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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:07 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:07 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14684-0.txt b/14684-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0192b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14684-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3889 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14684 *** + +Mr. DOOLEY SAYS + + + +BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR," +"MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC. + + + +NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +DIVORCE 1 + +GLORY 14 + +WOMAN SUFFRAGE 25 + +THE BACHELOR TAX 40 + +THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES 50 + +PANICS 67 + +OCEAN TRAVEL 78 + +WORK 89 + +DRUGS 100 + +A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP 106 + +THE ARMY CANTEEN 110 + +THINGS SPIRITUAL 123 + +BOOKS 134 + +THE TARIFF 144 + +THE BIG FINE 158 + +EXPERT TESTIMONY 168 + +THE CALL OF THE WILD 180 + +THE JAPANESE SCARE 193 + +THE HAGUE CONFERENCE 204 + +TURKISH POLITICS 214 + +VACATIONS 227 + + + + +Mr. DOOLEY SAYS + + + + +DIVORCE + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a Divoorce +Congress." + +"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxury +supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin a +marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go on +livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way some +mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at each +other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he has +th' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Reno +in ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud +find throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No, +sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river. +There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize, +an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall +bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timprary +husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an' +dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th' +neighbors are agin it. + +"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoo +marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an +onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' new +an' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says th' preacher. 'Or th' +jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride. + +"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was +assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's a +tur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'y +to be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border. +There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossible +f'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There's +no regularity at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'r +divoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman can +be freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wears +Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name back +because his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup. + +"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe his +boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota. Ye can +be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th' complaint. +Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' parties +dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' other +does, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sick +headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he give +her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society iv +th' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get a +divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he has +less. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibility +iv temper. That's whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' same +time. Ye'd call it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy. + +"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A man that +wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' do a tour iv +our gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly released he may want +to do it all over agin with th' second choice iv his wild, glad heart. + +"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws ought +to be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shud +be th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply be +goin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' an affydavit that th' +lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his taste. Be Hivens, I'd go +farther. Rather than have people endure this sarvichood I'd let anny +man escape be jumpin' th' conthract. All he'd have to do if I was +r-runnin' this Governmint wud be to put some clothes in th' grip, write +a note to his wife that afther thinkin' it over f'r forty years he had +made up his mind that his warm nature was not suited to marredge with +th' mother iv so manny iv his childher, an' go out to return no more. + +"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' what I +r-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this land onhappily +mated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if they had a sliver in +their thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows iv these people ar-re +beyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' jooty iv th' law to marcifully +release thim. + +"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' about +th' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me eyes filled +with tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he marrid. He was a +fireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his etarnal affection was th' +daughter iv th' most popylar saloon keeper in town. A gr-reat socyal +gulf opened between thim. He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein' +promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full iv +Monongahela rye an' a pool table, an' her parents objicted, because iv +th' diffrence in their positions. But love such as his is not to be +denied. Th' bold suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid. + +"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r twinty +years an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who expect to be +supported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, spurred on be th' +desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an' wurruked his +way to th' head iv th' railroad. He was no longer Greasy Bill, th' Oil +Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' Prince iv Industhree. All th' +diff'rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large money +an' small, other people's money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'd +wished f'r. Whin he set in his office countin' it he often left a call +f'r six o'clock f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th' +roundhouse on time. + +"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf as +though he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring saw him +on a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. He was +received with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city that knew the +combynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides be his fellow Kings +iv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv honor at a modest but +tasteful dinner, where there was a large artificyal lake iv champagne +into which th' comp'ny cud dive. In th' on'y part iv New York ye iver +read about--ar-re there no churches or homes in New York, but on'y +hotels, night resthrants, an' poolrooms?--in th' on'y part iv New York +ye read about he cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cud +fall on his bald but youthful head. + +"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is painful to +say that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life had not kept pace +with him. She had taught him to r-read, but he had gone on an' taken +what Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. Women get all their book +larnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd been pretty active about th' +childher while he was pickin' up more iddycation in th' way iv business +thin she'd iver dhream iv knowin'. She had th' latest news about th' +throuble in th' Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into his +office. + +"A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to read +about, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to tell ye +that th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he use to +whistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. It's no aisy +thing to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate th' hair with +another. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper classes in New York +she was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their tastes was decidedly +dissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he carrid th' wash pitcher +down to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, while she dandled th' baby an' +fried th' round steak at th' same time. That day was past. She hadn't +got to th' pint where she cud dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv her +nose. Th' passin' years had impaired all possible foundations f'r a new +crop iv hair. Sometimes conversation lagged. + +"Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successful +exthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. Gough. She +got her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was there f'r this joynt +intelleck an' this household tyrant to talk about? No wondher he pined. +Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin bein' compelled to set down ivry +month or two an' chat about a new tooth that Hiven had just sint to a +fam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was that all. She give him no rest. Time an' +time again she asked him was he comin' home that night. She tortured his +proud spirit be recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th' +window iv th' room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so far +as to dhraw on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives--their +tears. One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seen +her. Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim this +gr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise whin +he didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin th' Gr-reat +Fi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' Judge to sthrike +off th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a divoorce. + +"I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things," said Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Oh, I know ye don't agree with me," said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether does th' +parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's marrid he's +marrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand in th' grab-bag +an' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money back. + +"'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye talkin' +about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two people in th' +wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was there iver a +frindship that was annything more thin a kind iv suspension bridge +between quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv life,' says he, 'we leap +fr'm scrap to scrap,' he says. 'I'm wan iv th' best-timpered men in th' +wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not,' says I.) I'm wan iv th' kindest iv +mortals,' he says, 'but put me in th' same house with Saint Jerome,' he +says, 'an' there'd be at laste wan day in th' month whin I'd answer his +last wurrd be slammin' th' dure behind me,' he says. 'Man is nachrally a +fightin' an quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don't +always turn away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse,' he says. 'Th' +throuble about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wan +that made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, I'd +niver let th' sun go down on a quarrel,' he says. 'But if ye had a bad +mouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' partnership because ye'ar +a cantankerous old villain that no wan cud get on with,' he says. 'If +people knew they cudden't get away fr'm each other they'd settle down to +life, just as I detarmined to like coal smoke whin I found th' +collection wasn't big enough to put a new chimbley in th' parish house. +I've acchally got to like it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition iv +human life that's not endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've got +to endure it,' he says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this, +that whin a rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved over +breakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, an' +he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that afthernoon +they're in their lawyers' office,' he says. 'But whin a poor gintleman +an' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her anger into rubbin' +th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor gintleman aises his be +murdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be th' time night comes +ar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to go home annyhow, an' +it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm misjudged, an' he puts a +pound iv candy into his coat pocket an' goes home an' finds her +standin' at th' dure with a white apron on an' some new ruching ar-round +her neck,' he says. + +"An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions." + +"I see on'y wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly think?" + +"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced I'd let +thim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' childher. They'd +larn thim to behave." + + + + +GLORY + + +"Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more scandal +talked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld." + +"Hogan had betther keep quiet," said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goes +circulatin' anny stories about me I'll--" + +"Ye needn't worry," said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to talk about +annywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' subjick iv our +scand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a repytation. No, sir, +our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' illusthrees an' it ran all +th' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses Grant. + +"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody knows +about me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm pollyticks +whin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. If I'd let it +go a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest iv me life an' some +years afther me death. + +"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twas +th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goes +Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' have thim name babies, +sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an' +whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryod +in th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenth +iv charackter with love iv counthry. Such a man was found in Martin +Dooley, a prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.' + +"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I had, 'tis +little attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what Hogan calls +bi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though they mintioned +th' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted fatherland, they'd make th' +more intherestin' story about th' time I almost met it be fallin' down +stairs while runnin' away fr'm a polisman. F'r wan page they'd print +about me love iv counthry, they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink. + +"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in Byrnes's +book. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a lockstep down in +Joliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a robber in his old age. +He busted into churches, fooled ar-round with other men's wives, curled +his hair with a poker an' smelled iv perfumery like a Saturday night +car. An' his wife was a suspicyous charackter an' he turned her away. + +"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven f'r +thim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no betther than +she shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. Willum Shakespeare +is well known as an author of plays that no wan can play, but he was +betther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad actor, an' a thief. His +wife was a common scold an' led him th' life he desarved. They niver +leave th' ladies out iv these stories iv th' gr-reat. A woman that +marries a janius has a fine chance iv her false hair becomin' more +immortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It don't make anny difference if all +she knew about her marital hero was that he was a consistent feeder, a +sleepy husband, an' indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf, +an' that she had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men had +something th' matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton, +who was th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childless +hersilf, was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawl +ar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan says +she had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all his +frinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was a case. I +wish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A gr-reat moral +rellijous counthry like this desarves a betther parent. + +"They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote good +songs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan thinks iv him +as havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal iv his parish. I +remimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked th' British at Noo +Orleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but Hogan remimbers him as a +man that cudden't spell an' had a wife who smoked a corncob pipe. I +remimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' slaves, but Hogan remimbers how +he used to cut loose yarns that made th' bartinder shake th' stove +harder thin it needed. I remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shiloh +whin he was young, but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound New +York whin he was old. + +"An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out to write +a bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war departmint or +th' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' bureau dhrawers, +old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, an' th' recollections +iv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther thin annything else. He +don't care much f'r th' kind beginning: 'Dear wife, I'm settin' in +front iv th' camp fire wearin' th' flannel chest protector ye made me, +an' dhreamin' iv ye,' but if he can find wan beginnin': 'Little Bright +Eyes: Th' old woman has gone to th' counthry,' he's th' happiest +bi-ographer ye cud see in a month's thravel. + +"Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas written by a +frind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or another. 'At this +time,' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was destined to change th' +whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, while in a sthreet car, where +he lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke to see a beautiful woman thryin' to +find a nickel in a powder puff. Th' brutal conductor towered over her, +an' it was more thin th' Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with an +oath, he pulled th' rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car. + +"Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no doubt he +often thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, although he +niver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' dinin'-room at +th' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but th' fair vision iv +th' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked him up, an' there began a +frindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness to both iv thim. He seldom +mintioned her, but wan night he was heard to mutter: 'Her face is like +wan iv Rembrand's saints.' A few historyans contind that what he said +was: 'Her face looks like a remnant sale,' but I cannot believe this. + +"They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil th' +enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been able to +find anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv wan iv his +faithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. (Love an' Letters +iv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; Stolen, Collected an' +Edited be James Snooper.) * * * Next year was mim'rable f'r his gloryous +victhry at Punkheim, all th' more wondherful because at th' time our +hero was sufferin' fr'm deleeryyum thremens. + +"It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as gr-reat a +liar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that with th' cheers iv +his sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still write home to his wife: +'Ol' girl--I can't find annything fit to dhrink down here. Can't ye sind +me some cider fr'm th' farm.' * * * In 1865 he was accused iv +embezzlemint, but th' charges niver reached his ears or th' public's +ontil eight years afther his death. * * * In 67' his foster brother, +that he had neglected in Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an' +broke his leg. * * * In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fifty +years. They were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly iv +fourteen childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'r +some reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, one +of th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further details iv +th' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' volume.' It +seems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called bi-ography is a kind +iv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan side, an' bi-ography comes +along an' makes it rowl over an' lie on th' other side. Th' historyan +says, go up; th' bi-ographer says, come down among us. I don't believe +ayether iv thim. + +"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. 'Were +they all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think so +gloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye mustn't +believe all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' says he. 'It's +a thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat an' sthrong. Th' hero +sthruts through histhry with his chin up in th' air, his scipter in his +hand an' his crown on his head. But behind him dances a boot-black +imitatin' his walk an' makin' faces at him. Fame invites a man out iv +his house to be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a +warrant f'r batin' his wife. 'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it +shudden't be so. We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv +th' wurruld didn't have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen +to possess thim, we make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over +us. Wan way or another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we +can't reach th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feel +aisier about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' it +stimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in hand +'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seem' our pitchers in th' +pa-apers.' + +"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, th' people +ye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step iv ye'er youth, +all go thundherin' down to immortality together. An' afther all, isn't +it a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care about is th' one Mulligan +th' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I like Mulligan's style, f'r he's +no flatthrer, an' he has wan model iv bi-ography that he uses f'r old +an' young, rich an' poor. He merely writes something to th' gin'ral +effect that th' deceased was a wondher, an' lets it go at that." + +"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough to buy +off all threatenin' bi-ographers." + + + + +WOMAN SUFFRAGE + + +"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in their +might an' demanded a vote." + +"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy. + +"A vote," said Mr. Dooley. + +"Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they do?" + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv thim +gathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or naytional +dormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore proclaimed that a +debate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English gintlemen to marry +their deceased wife's sisters befure th' autopsy. In th' great hall iv +Rufus some iv th' mightiest male intellecks in Britain slept undher +their hats while an impassioned orator delivered a hem-stitched speech +on th' subject iv th' day to th' attintive knees an' feet iv th' +ministhry. It was into this here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen iv +Europe that ye see on ye'er way to France that th' furyous females +attimpted to enter. Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rude +jeers iv th' multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th' +idifice. There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim. +'What d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' says +th' commander iv th' army iv freedom. + +"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate battle +followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv 'Brute,' +'Monster,' 'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins were dhrawn. +Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done a +fit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be sufferin' +f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' little +finger iv th' right hand. Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' law +charged on th' champeens iv liberty. A scene iv horror followed. +Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' led thim down th' stairs; +others were carried out fainting by th' tyrants. In a few minyits all +was over, an' nawthin' but three hundhred hairpins remained to mark th' +scene iv slaughter. Thus, Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedom +fought an' lost." + +"It sarves thim right," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at home +tindin' th' babies." + +"A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry man. P'raps +they havn't got any babies. A baby is a good substichoot f'r a ballot, +an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom has time f'r anny other +luxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, says I. What have they done +to injye this impeeryal suffrage that we fought an' bled f'r? Whin me +forefathers were followin' George Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th' +hardships that men endure campin' out in vacation time, what were th' +women doin'? They were back in Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin' +socks, followin' th' plow, plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses, +an' pursooin' th' other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect. +Afther th' war our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'r +their devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrim +fathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on their +property. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we won. + +"Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy job that +anny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a sthrong man's +with a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that requires what Hogan +calls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin votin'. It's th' hardest +wurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure daylight an' thramp over to th' +Timple iv Freedom, which is also th' office iv a livery stable. Wan iv +th' judges has a cold in his head an' closes all th' windows. Another +judge has built a roarin' fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hots +on it. Th' room is lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowded +with pathrites who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or three +polismen that maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don't +know annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polisman +in his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call thim, +th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' best +seegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy. + +"In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls glows an' +puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' sanchoo-ary iv Liberty +comes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment made iv carbolic acid, pours it +into a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' domestic attindants iv th' guests iv +th' house walks through fr'm makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chief +judge, who knows me well, because he shaves me three times a week, gives +me a contimchous stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lous +questions about me age. + +"I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman movin' +nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. They're all +occypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled voices f'r somewan +to light th' candle so they'll be sure they ain't votin' th' prohybition +ticket. Th' calico sheets over th' front iv th' booths wave an' ar-re +pushed out like th' curtains iv a Pullman car whin a fat man is +dhressin' inside while th' thrain is goin' r-round a curve. In time a +freeman bursts through, with perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurls +his suffrage at th' judge an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inch +iv lead pencil be rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th' +top iv th' dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life. + +"Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' fair. It's +men's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she cud bound +Kamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't qualified f'r it. +It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites like Mulkowsky th' +Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet that he ain't votin' f'r +th' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still over there pretindin' to be a +horse instead iv a free American givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge. + +"On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' April a +man goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him down th' +sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He don't mind +inhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if Molly Donahue +wint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing she'd do wud be to get +a broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' windows, disinfect th' booths, +take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' hang up a pitcher iv Niagary be +moonlight, chase out th' watchers an' polis, remove th' seegars, make +th' judges get a shave, an' p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no job +f'r her, an' I told her so. + +"'We demand a vote,' says she. 'All right,' says I, 'take mine. It's +old, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little th' worse +f'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in this counthry +f'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' use it as ye +please,' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry sleep iliction day +mornin',' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired iv it annyhow,' says I. +'But,' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young an' beautiful as ye want to +do annything so foolish as to vote?' says I. 'Ain't we intilligent +enough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too intilligent,' says I. 'But intilligence +don't give ye a vote.' + +"'What does, thin,' says she. 'Well,' says I, 'enough iv ye at wan time +wantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er Woman's Rights +Club?' 'Twinty,' says she. 'Make it three hundher,' says I, 'an' ye'll +be on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, does she? No, nor ye'er +sister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor ye'er aunt? All that iliction +day means to thim is th' old man goin' off in th' mornin' with a light +step an' fire in his eye, an' comin' home too late at night with a dent +in his hat, news-boys hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-four +votes had been cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8 +o'clock, an' Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'r +th' bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote, +they'll vote. Ye bet they will.' + +"'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' on'y th' +king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an Indyan. Th' king +clapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' polls, marked a cross +at th' head iv th' column where his name was, an' wint out to cheer th' +returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' says they: Votin' seems a +healthy exercise an' we'd like to thry it. Give us th' franchise or +we'll do things to ye. An' they got it. Thin it wint down through th' +earls an' th' markises an' th' rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'lly +all that was left iv it was flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy, +because they made a lot iv noise an' threatened to set fire to th' +barns.' + +"'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r it. No +wan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same token, there +ar-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep ye fr'm gettin'. +Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right coorse, on'y there ain't +enough iv thim. If there were forty thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hat +pins an' prepared to plunge th' same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies iv +female suffrage, an' if, instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th' +constablry, they charged an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th' +House iv Commons, an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th' +hat over th' eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure some +mimber wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrage +club was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't be +long befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate creams f'r +ye'er vote.' + +"'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this in th' +pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women invaded th' +capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They chased th' polis +acrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was agin th' bill, an' +tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv th' opposition. At 10 +o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud veto th' bill, an' +instantly a huge crowd iv excited females gathered in front of the White +House, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' 'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelled +whin th' Prisident's wife appeared on th' balcony an' made a brief +speech. She said she was a mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' she +felt safe in assuring her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. If +nicissry, she wud sign it hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a little +onruly, but he was frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th' +aujeence wud undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his +tantrums. A little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. At +prisint th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughter +settin' on his head. + +"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob proceeded down +Pinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' capital were jammed. +Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be th' hair iv th' head an' +made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote right. Immejately afther th' +prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop iv Matsachoosetts offered th' +suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' motion is out iv ordher,' began th' +Speaker. At this minyit a lady standin' behind th' chair dhrove a +darning needle through his coat tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker, +reachin' behind him with an agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it go +annyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong, +'I protest--' At this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th' +gall'ries. Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, hand +mirrors, fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber. +In the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud be +seen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to come +home to-night, polthroon.' + +"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his face +livid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was on'y about to +say I second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried without a +dissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it was opposed be +Jeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' leader iv th' +suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly insthructed th' clerk +to cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. To-night in th' prisince iv +a vast multichood th' Prisident was led out be his wife. He was +supported, or rather pushed, be two iv his burly daughters. He seemed +much confused, an' his wife had to point out th' place where he was to +sign. With tremblin' fingers he affixed his signature an' was led back. + +"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all avenin' with +good-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' dry goods stores, +which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was almost impossible to get +through. Iv coorse there were th' usual riochous scenes in th' dhrug +stores, where th' bibulous gathered at th' sody-wather counthers an' +cillybrated th' victory in lemon, vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thim +keepin' it up till 9 o'clock, or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about, +me child,' says I, 'ye may sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary, +f'r ye'll have as much right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th' +ward. But don't ask f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan give +thim to ye. A right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th' +matther with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned inside +out,' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, though to +tell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan did. Some time +some fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or betther still, th' +other fellows', f'r th' right to vote.'" + +"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't care. +What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a little +soap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to pollyticks. It +wudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be illicted to office +onless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his boots an' shaved his chin +wanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I care not who casts th' votes +iv me counthry so long as we can hold th' offices. An' there's on'y wan +way to keep the women out iv office, an' that's to give thim a vote." + + + + +THE BACHELOR TAX + + +"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' to put +a tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a tax on +bachelors? There's one on dogs." + +"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it five +dollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession to us. +They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow more thin +twice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year to see me +throttin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on me neck. If me +tax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' th' bachelor +catcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll be kept there +three days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be dhrowned onless th' +pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver see it, me boy. No, Sir. +Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men polytickally, as well as +handsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us we'll fight ye to th' end. If +worst comes to worst we won't pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyit +that light-footed heroes that have been eludin' onprincipled females all +their lives won't be able to dodge a little thing like a five-dollar +tax. There's no clumsy collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with a +man iv me age who has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r forty +years an' remains unmarrid. + +"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' Constitution an' +about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' highest jooty iv +citizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give a vote to th' shad? +Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports th' Naytional Governmint be +payin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th' schools ye +sind ye'er ignorant little childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses, +who does th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marrid +men start all th' wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whin +war is declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be if +they niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid again +an' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' their +widow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' their +rilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live on +afther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken iron in his +stomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension come fr'm th' +Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over here an' stick a +sthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close down me shop an' go out +somewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose me leg defindin' th' hearths +iv me counthry, me that niver had a hearth iv me own to warm me toes by +but th' oil stove in me bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd be +wantin' to tax like a pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain! + +"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye +tax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer lookin' lot iv +fellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're bachelors. 'Tis with us as +with th' ladies. A lady with an erratic face is sure to be marrid befure +a Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to wurruk right away an' what Hogan calls +th' doctrine iv av'rages is always with thim that starts early an' makes +manny plays. But th' Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an' +take her pick an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes up +with a scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a man +down fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young woman +have I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large fam'ly whin +her frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' most beautiful +woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds waitin' f'r some +wan to take her buggy ridin'. + +"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan had +thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enough +to vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan calls th' +graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain but +has a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't an' didn't always +keep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld cud see he'd be lynched +be th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. But 'tis diff'rent with us +comely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, we can afford to be haughty an' +peevish. It makes us more inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with a +gentle but supeeryor eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice, +pretty atthractive girl. I hope she'll marry well.' By an' by whin th' +roses fade fr'm our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th' +inivitable, run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th' +multichood iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlight +pitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all. + +"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' landscape. +Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints iv th' +tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors. +What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest neckties in th' +front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier iris, as Hogan says, th' +burnished bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor comin' down th' sthreet, +with his shiny plug hat an' his white vest, th' dimon stud that he wint +in debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoes +on his feet out-shinin' th' noonday sun. + +"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' his tie +undher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his gaiters in a +way that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver wore a pair iv +darned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in me hosiery I throw +thim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that men are onhappy because +they have no wan to darn their socks an' put buttons on their shirts. +Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy because his socks ar-re not +darned but because they ar-re. An' as f'r buttons on his shirt, whin +th' buttons comes off a bachelor's shirt he fires it out iv th' window. +His rule about clothes is thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit, +d'ye mind. Th' others to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th' +plumage iv a bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets her +buy his cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes to +him which he smokes. + +"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral side iv it. +What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. We're th' most +onselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv th' neighborhood +ar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me own. If ye shed a tear f'r +anny person but wan ye lose ye'er latch-key, but havin' no wan in +partiklar to sympathize with I'm supposed to sympathize with ivry wan. +On th' conthry if ye have anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th' +overburdened shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I must +bear thim alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say: +'Oh, he's a gay dog. Sarves him right.' An' if he goes on complainin' +he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes to +ye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes cryin', +an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick th' widow +O'Brien on me. + +"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid home +without th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' chair or +in th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I live in gr-reat +luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' manny things that it +can't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on th' flure an' chandyleers +hang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry +wine, port wine, champagne, beer, whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weiss +beer, cream de mint, curaso, an' binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhraw +at an opeem pipe an' r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman's +hand wudden't help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away, +th' beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business broke +into th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ile +paintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off a +frame that cost me two dollars iv good money.' If they knew that th' +on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a thrunk an' +that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me clothes, an' +that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's now a life-size +plaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at th' end iv a chain. + +"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran that's +escaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult position with +honor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so dangerous as whin she's +sorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' rises to her lips an' th' +nurse light comes into her eyes, I know 'tis time f'r me to take me hat +an' go. An' if th' hat's not handy I go without it. + +"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear ladies. But +I say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on ye'er best +frinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us bachelors have +saved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we th' hope iv th' +future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' onmarrid ladies ar-re +to marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, they must look forward to. +We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're bachelors because we can't make a +choice. Ye all look so lovely to us that we hate to bring th' tears into +th' eyes iv others iv ye be marryin' some iv ye. Considher our +onforchnit position an' be kind. Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'r +slaves. Don't thry to coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. If +ye tax us there's hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't fling +his five dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th' +expense.'" + + + + +THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES + + +"Ye'er frind Simpson was in here awhile ago," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he +was that mad." + +"What ailed him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "it seems he wint into me frind Hip Lung's +laundhry to get his shirt an' it wasn't ready. Followin' what Hogan +calls immemoryal usage, he called Hip Lung such names as he cud remimber +and thried to dhrag him around th' place be his shinin' braid. But +instead iv askin' f'r mercy, as he ought to, Hip Lung swung a flat-iron +on him an' thin ironed out his spine as he galloped up th' stairs. He +come to me f'r advice an' I advised him to see th' American consul. +Who's th' American consul in Chicago now? I don't know. But Hogan, who +was here at th' time, grabs him be th' hand an' says he: 'I +congratulate ye, me boy,' he says. 'Ye have a chance to be wan iv th' +first martyrs iv th' white race in th' gr-reat sthruggle that's comin' +between thim an' th' smoked or tinted races iv th' wurruld,' he says. +'Ye'll be another Jawn Brown's body or Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Go back an' +let th' Chink kill ye an' cinchries hence people will come with wreathes +and ate hard-biled eggs on ye'er grave,' he says. + +"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was a +retail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, though +he got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' sthreet an' he +thought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. So he wint away. + +"Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us blondes +since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' gr-reatest +prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble. +No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasant +days. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms, +hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan that +predicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th' tea leaves an' +see th' institutions iv th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling +not to say grinnin', fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's +laid waste with fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'm +onhappy about to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyest +man in th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' to +happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy to-day +because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is goin' to be. +Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic next Saturdah.' +Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic.' + +"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. He +cudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv wan +through three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' most +blindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He's +predicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand that +haven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United States navy wud +be so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young fellow to row his girl +in Union Park. He can see a war cloud where I can't see annything but +somebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reat +foreign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r th' job f'r he's best late at night. + +"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' wurruld to +rejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' us black and +blue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in thim eggs or I'll +throw ye in th' fire. 'Yassir,' says Sam. 'Comin',' he says. 'Twas: 'Wow +Chow, while ye'er idly stewin' me cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaid +bills.' I wud feel repaid be a kick,' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'Maharajah +Sewar, swing th' fan swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip.' +'Higgins Sahib,' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawd +an' Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. My +blood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. 'Twas thine +old man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle up f'r eighty +days. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's flesh cooked f'r +breakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' ye?' + +"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans were +starved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has passed around +an' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' up. He says they +have aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates ours be miles. They have +no wires or poles or wathered stock but th' population is so thick that +whin they want to sind wurrud along th' line all they have to do is f'r +wan man to nudge another an' something happens in Northern Chiny is +known in Southern Indya befure sunset. And so it passed through th' +undherwurruld that th' color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an' +Hogan says that almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin' +through a window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in a +basement instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'll +be settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' watchin' +ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' wondhrn' whin +th' lynchin' party'll arrive. + +"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so much in +thim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan thin I have +iv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty cow. I have often +leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' his cow. Sometimes I +wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good an' large a cow as that +shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. But if Dorgan's cow shud +stand up on her hind legs, kick over the bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th' +lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin +shootin' at me, I wudden't be more surprised thin I am at th' idee iv +Japan bein' wan iv th' nations iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th' +subjick races got to kick about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to +thim. We sint thim missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their +relligyon an' nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin' +people like betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny +means where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an' +excitin' locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that +cud pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd +yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what was +wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose to th' +dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No Chinyman cud +fail to be pleased at seein' a tall Englishman hittin' th' Chinyman's +grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint explorers up th' Nile who +raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a +fact that th' naygurs had known f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces +that he has changed th' names iv these wather-coorses to Smith, +Blifkins an' Winkinson. He wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he +iver ate a native alive. But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a +counthry an' Sir Alfred is no viggytaryan. + +"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've done so +much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with war. Th' Chinese +won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv their +cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away their +piannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th' +levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel +onaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up. +Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we +lick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will +set fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against +th' white man. + +"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y funny whin +it's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped laughin' at +Jap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' I'm gettin' over +that feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' so scared as whin +something he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns on him. If a fellow man +hits him he hits him back. But if a dog bites him he yells 'mad dog' an' +him an' th' neighbors pound th' dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygurs +down South iver got together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no more +coon songs f'r awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it out +iv us an' we ar-re about th' same as th' rest." + +"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at us +together?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp us." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to speak +more acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been infeeryor too +long to change. It's got to be a habit with thim." + + + + +PANICS + + +"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim impechuse +prooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv fi-nance, +cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are ye not? I see +be th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have been a brave man; ye +have had faith in th' future iv our counthry; ye have perceived that our +financial institutions are sound if they are nawthin' else. Ye +undherstand that it's upon th' self-resthraint iv men like th' likes iv +ye that th' whole credit iv th' nation depinds. I read it in the +pa-apers an' 'tis thrue. Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'y +way ye or me cud rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be be +means iv a brace an' bit. + +"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to George B. +Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. Rockyfellar, +th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' clearing out +comity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that have stood firmly +with their backs to th' wall an' declared that anny money taken out iv +their institutions wud be taken over their dead bodies. They have +behaved as American gintlemen shud behave whin foorce iv circumstances +compels thim to behave that way. But if, in this tur-rible imergency I +am obliged to tell th' truth, I've got to confess to ye that th' thanks +iv th' nation, a little bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boys +that niver had a cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They have +disturbed none iv our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance has +turned green to see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life through +a closed payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv a +hammer can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther a +pearl necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, has +throubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' other +mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an' +though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic I +felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovel +on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th' +tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be +downcast. It's all right. I just see Hinnissy go by with his shovel.' + +"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that causes +panics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' money. Th' top +iv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard times is good times. +Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his shouldher dodgin' eight thousand +autymobills I begin to think 'tis time to put me money in me boot." + +"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. Hennessy. +"What does it all mean?" + +"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. Dooley. 'Tis +what is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r the sake iv +argymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r th' sake iv +argymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you wudden't be at +anny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' shoes. But supposin' +fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye get two dollars a day f'r +makin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye take part of ye'er ill-gotten +gains an' leave it with me f'r dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' money +over to th' shoe store an' buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th' +fellow at th' shoe store puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss. +Ye'er boss sees ye're dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv things +th' distillery business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to a +distiller. Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an' +havin' fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I owe +th' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money f'r th' +shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He goes over to th' +bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in a window. An' there +ye are. That's credit. + +"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan th' +banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though an +earthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory an' a +jail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks as solid as +though th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv him. See him with +his goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl buttons iv his vest. He +niver give me much more thin a nod out iv th' north-east corner iv his +left eyebrow, but he was always very kind an' polite to Mulligan, th' +little tailor. Except that I thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r me +an' none at all f'r Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on a +corner near th' bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'rite +journal in wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is a +coward,' says Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys public +confidence,' says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv his +life,' says I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,' +says I. 'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th' +likes iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I. +'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's as +sthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it up,' +says he. An' he wint. + +"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. Panics an' +circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv th' poor. An' a +time iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't too much. A little +while ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper annything about th' fellow that +had his money in th' bank anny more thin ye'd read about th' spectators +at a prize fight. 'Twas all what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'. +'Who's that man with th' plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin' +joint?' 'That's th' prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's that +shakin' dice at th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrust +comp'ny.' An' so it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal to +th' good sense iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, but +it might just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here, +Mulligan, me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther. +It's got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our heads +but a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash or +on-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher th' +situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' pathritism, +th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' face iv great +danger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' hole. Regards to Mrs. +Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't answer in person (signed) Jawn +D. Rockyfellar.' + +"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble be havin' +money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second place. Mulligan +will settle it all be carryin' his money back to th' bank where money +belongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, me boy. Cheer up. +'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or some time. 'Tis wan +good thing about this here wurruld, that nawthin' lasts long enough to +hurt. I have been through manny a panic. I cud handle wan as well as +Morgan. Panics cause thimsilves an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do I +blame for this wan? Grogan blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blames +Mulligan; to-morrah he won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will be +over. I blame no wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, be +brave, be ca'm an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy in +th' wurruld, an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him to +shovel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right. + +"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick just as it +jumped off th' roof." + + + + +OCEAN TRAVEL + + +"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come acrost th' +Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord at Liverpool on +Saturday were in New York Friday afthernoon." + +"But that's more thin four days." + +"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out th' +way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt limited +has broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York (Harrisburg) to +Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours.' But with a steamboat 'tis +different. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' what's left is th' +v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean greyhound or levithin iv th' +seas has broken all records iv transatlantic passages except thim made +be th' Germans. She has thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th' +coast iv Ireland that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook +lightship) in four or five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves.' So if +ye've anny frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim did +they swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If they +didn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it takes +to cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' house to +boordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on th' time ye go +to bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over on a five-day boat +has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his wife what he did with th' +other two days. No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into account +th' longest, roughest an' most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is +through th' New York custom house. + +"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th' +Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him +crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings. +Th' grand times they must've had. Time was whin a man got on a boat an' +was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers iv +modhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game iv +pinochle with another fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy +comes down th' deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad +tidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his +furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other +hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Just +as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island or +floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th' +pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy +bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most +marked. They make a handsome couple.' + +"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat. +In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpool +and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. Now ye r-read +iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie in th' billyard +tournymint was played off last night. Th' resthrants are crowded nightly +an' great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th' brilliant +illuminations. Th' public gardens are in full bloom an' are much +frequented be childher rollin' hoops and sailin' boats in th' artificial +lake. Th' autymobill speedway gives gr-reat satisfaction. Th' opening +day iv th' steeplechase races was a success. Th' ilivator in th' left +annex fell thirteen stories Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th' +brokerage house iv Conem an' Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiver +to-day. Th' failure was due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend anny +more money on hat pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church is +undher repair. Th' _Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color presses +an' will begin printin' a colored supplement Sunday next.' An' so it +goes. It ain't a boat at all. It's a city. + +"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it says it's +a boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time,' says I, 'in this floatin' palace, +atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at th' beautifully jooled +ladies,' says I. 'Ah,' says I, 'th' wondhers iv science that cud put +together a conthrivance th' like iv that,' says I. 'It's a boat,' says +he. 'That's th' best I can say about it,' says he. 'Did ye not glide +noiselessly through th' wather?' says I? 'I did not,' says he. 'Divvle +th' glide. We bumped along pretty fast an' th' injines made noises like +injines an' th' ship creaked like anny ship.' 'An' wasn't th' food +fine?' 'It depinded on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days, +an' too much iv it on other days.' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?' +'No wan knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' lady +that searched thim at th' custom house. + +"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley,' says he. 'A boat's a boat. That's +all it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on land. A +millyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a longshoreman +on earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way down to th' +steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I says to mesilf: +I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental luxury. Whin I got +aboord th' decks were crowded with happy people worryin' about their +baggage an' wondherin' already whether th' inspector in New York wud get +onto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. I give th' old an' enfeebled +English gintleman that carried me satchel a piece iv silver. He touched +his cap to me an' says Cue. Cue is th' English f'r I thank ye +kindly in Irish. He carrid me bag downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin' +down an' down till we touched bottom, thin we rambled through long lanes +neatly decorated with steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel. +That was me boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsome +berths in it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypied +be a gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'm +London an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief an' +wint up on th' roof iv th' ship. + +"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv ladies were +stretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, pretindin' to read +an' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. Three or four hundherd +men had begun to walk around th' ship with their hands folded behind +thim. A poker game between four rale poker players an' a man that didn't +know th' game but had sharp finger-nails was already started in th' +smokin'-room. About that time I begun to have a quare sinsation. I +haven't been able to find out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary. +I wasn't sea-sick, mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin' +in me forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kind +iv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' thried +to look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I didn't have +anny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't like th' smell +iv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to make th' place in me +head worse. Sivral times I wint to th' dinin'-room intindin' to jine th' +jovyal comp'ny there but quit at th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don't +know how to account f'r it. Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage, +but sivral hundherd who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beef +tea on deck spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it to +th' ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker as +to a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it was +th' most important ivint iv th' passage. + +"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find annybody that +wud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing to have to force +money on an Englishman in a uniform like an admiral's an' talkin' with +an accent that manny iv th' finest people on th' deck were thryin' to +imitate, but I schooled mesilf to it. An' sthrange to say they niver +refused. They were even betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whin +th' fellow that pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r me +touched me on th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eye +that made me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call five +bobs over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. He +touched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done wan +thing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected with th' +legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud hand a piece iv +change to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' Conyard line has +passed a dividend. They ought to make a merger with th' head stoort,' +says he. + +"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a hotel. +But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it 'tis wondherful +that anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. Th' Atlantic Ocean is +a fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv wather just th' same. It +wasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye cud put ye'er foot through it +annywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. Th' on'y time a human being can +float in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horseshoe into it an' +th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross an' he builds a boat iv th' +same mateeryal as a millyon horseshoes, loads it up with machinery, +pushes it out on th' billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as ye +plaze. If he didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dure +off its hinges an' go on that. + +"All ye have to do is to tell him there's land on th' other side iv th' +ragin' flood an' he'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at it.' Ye talk +about th' majesty iv th' ocean but what about th' majesty iv this here +little sixty-eight be eighteen inches bump iv self-reliance that treats +it like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a wondher to me that th' ocean +don't get tired iv growlin' an' roarin' at th' race iv men. They don't +pay anny heed to it's hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it +as though it was a good dog. 'How lovely our ocean looks undher our +moon.' Whin it rises in its wrath they show their contimpt f'r it be +bein' sea-sick into it. But no matther how it behaves they niver quit +usin' its face f'r a right iv way. They'll niver subjoo it but it niver +bates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little man's +sthruggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a decision on +points." + +"Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land," said Mr. Hennessy. +"Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?" + +"Not," said Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats on +throlleys." + + + + +WORK + + +"Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley. + +"Not yet," said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' mills +to-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now." + +"Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley. + +"Ye bet I will," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand firm be +union principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there these days. I +wudden't mind havin' a few weeks off." + +"Ye'll do right to quit," said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy with +sthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have with +people goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's vacation. +If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' men that have +made our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth iv th' wurruld--if +I had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' constitution, which thank Gawd I +haven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all th' time durin' th' heated term. I'd +begin sthrikin' whin th' flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'd +stay on sthrike till 'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th' +baseball park. Ye bet I wud. + +"I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time. +Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th' +summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, fannin' th' +cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, whin th' main +guy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r exceedin' th' speed limit, +whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at nights an' th' Sox have started a +batting sthreak, th' son iv Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling calls +him, begins to think iv th' rights iv labor. + +"Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about his +rights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss an' +saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, but so +are picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same not gettin' +up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r th' first time in +their good clothes an' th' same thumpin' sthrangers over th' head with a +brick. Afther awhile th' main guy comes home fr'm th' seaside, raises +wages twinty per cent, fires th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygate +as a specyal partner. + +"But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our industhreel +system blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' foundhry thin in th' +home. There is no hearth as ample in anny man's home as th' hearth th' +Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It is pleasant to see th' citizen +afther th' rigors iv a night at home hurryin' to th' mills to toast his +numbed limbs in th' warm glow iv th' Bessemer furnace. About this time +th' main guy takes a look at the thermometer an' chases th' specyal +partner out iv th' office with th' annual report iv th' Civic +Featheration. He thin summons his hardy assocyates about him an' says +he: 'Boys, I will no longer stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions. +Conditions has changed since last summer. It's grown much colder. I do +not care f'r the money at stake, but there is a great principle +involved. I cannot consint to have me business run be outsiders at a +cost iv near thirty thousand dollars a year,' says he. An' there's a +lockout. + +"'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get me +sympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me sympathy f'r +th' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm his toil an' that +has to sweat through August with no chanst iv gettin' a day in th' open +onless th' milishy are ordhered out an' thin whin he goes back to wurruk +th' chances are somebody's got his job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' man +returns with his pockets full iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be the +main guy. If I was rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a son +iv Marthy I'd be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin' +season. They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry not +to meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayers +always time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to be +done. + +"No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' man whin +he's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft op'rators that have +laid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as though they were +sufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft op'rator come home +last week with a smile on his face. 'I have good news f'r ye, mother,' +says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope sthrugglin' with fear in +her face. 'Ye've guessed it,' says he. 'We weren't exactly ordhered out. +Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a series iv sharp whistles fr'm the +walkin' dillygate, but, whin that didn't come an' we were tired iv +waitin' th' report iv th' baseball game come over th' wires an' we +mistook that f'r a signal. Ye must get the childher ready f'r a day in +th' counthry. We can't tell how soon this sthruggle again th' greed iv +capital will be declared off an' we must make th' most iv it while it +lasts,' says he. + +"I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key that has a +fine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be up in time to +flag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number thirty-two goes +through at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into each other, turn +switches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps an' hand out time tables +an' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations he dhraws down all th' way fr'm +fifteen to twinty dollars a week. An' he wants to sthrike. An' th' +pa-apers say if he does he'll tie up our impeeryal railroad systems. +Think iv that. I never had much iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver done +f'r me was to misspell me name. He's a little thin man that cudden't +lift an eighth iv beer with both hands, but he's that important if he +leaps his job we'll all have to walk. + +"I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv th' Liquor +Dealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher me to lay down +me lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But nawthin' iv th' +kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud care a sthraw. Th' +whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me frind Ike Simpson, the +tillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but me or Pierpont Morgan might +quit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. Supposin' Rockyfellar an' Pierpont +Morgan an' Jim Hill shud form a union, an' shud demand a raise iv a +millyon dollars a year, reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hour +ivry week, th' closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wan +allowed to make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrike +comity waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light a +seegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our flannel +shirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher. + +"We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not submit. F'r +years we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are plenty iv men to +take ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at first but they'll +soon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can bang th' dure afther +ye.' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have thryin' to persuade ye be +peaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think iv him on th' dead line +thryin' to coax ye not to go in but to stand by him as he would sit on +ye if you were in th' same position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'er +coat in his hands as ye plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort to +vilence. Th' stock exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud be +called out an' afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with their +hats in their hands an' find their old places took be other men. + +"No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis a +sthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a man +gets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld that he shud +go on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a combination wedding an' +divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head about him. But if ye shud go +to Paris--excuse me f'r laughin' mesilf black in th' face--th' +industhrees iv the counthry pines away. + +"An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts to. We +cud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but we'd have a +divvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on th' fellow that +dhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him ye'd niver be able to +pursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon iv pushin' th' barrow. Whin +Andhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'll +have to come back. P'raps that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't get +more iv thim little pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv a +Saturdah night. If he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to be +kept in thrainin'. + +"Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a little +money an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him happy, too. +I don't mean coarse, mateeryal happiness like private yachts an' +autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. I mean +something entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I see in th' +pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness was hard wurruk. +'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a hall an' preach it in +Newport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy Road where wurruk abounds. I +don't want to be run in f'r incitin' a riot. + +"This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' time to. +He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre lot. There's +nawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at night with his +nose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame home an' dhreams iv +cinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he walks in his sleep to +wake th' cow that left th' call f'r four o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'r +feedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. Th' sun arises as usual in th' +east an' bein' a keen student iv nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to put +in his hat. Breakfast follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin' +at nine-three. Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on a +bicycle seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, with +nawthin' but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with. +An' so he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get in +ear-shot iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'm +sufferin' his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tis +sthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday. + +"No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good f'r anny +man. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' stomach's sake +an' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye mind. But a gr-reat +deal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, will hurt anny man that +indulges in it. So, though I don't sympathize with sthrikers, I +congratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, while the iron is hot an' ye'er most +needed to pound it into a horseshoe. An' especially wud I advise +ivrybody to sthrike whin th' weather is hot." + + + + +DRUGS + + +"What ails ye?" asked Mr. Dooley of Mr. Hennessy, who looked dejected. + +"I'm a sick man," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Since th' picnic?" + +"Now that I come to think iv it, it did begin th' day afther th' +picnic," said Mr. Hennessy. "I've been to see Dock O'Leary. He give me +this an' these here pills an' some powdhers besides. An' d'ye know, +though I haven't taken anny iv thim yet, I feel betther already." + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a doctor. A man +that's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers to enjye life. Th' +likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, peaceful day in th' +counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a football in th' sun an' ivry +fifteen minyits or so washin' down a couple of dill-pickles with a +bottle of white pop. Th' next day ye get what's comin' to ye in th' +right place an' bein' a sthrong, hearty man that cudden't be kilt be +annything less thin a safe fallin' on ye fr'm a twenty-story building ye +know ye ar-re goin' to die. Th' good woman advises a mustard plasther +but ye scorn th' suggestion. What good wud a mustard plasther be again +this fatal epidemic that is ragin' inside iv ye? Besides a mustard +plasther wud hurt. So th' good woman, frivilous crather that she is, +goes back to her wurruk singin' a light chune. She knows she's goin' to +have to put up with ye f'r some time to come. A mustard plasther, +Hinnissy, is th' rale test iv whether a pain is goin' to kill ye or not. +If the plasther is onbearable ye can bet th' pain undherneath it is not. + +"But ye know ye are goin' to die an' ye're not sure whether ye'll send +f'r Father Kelly or th' doctor. Ye finally decide to save up Father +Kelly f'r th' last an' ye sind f'r th' Dock. Havin' rescued ye fr'm th' +jaws iv death two or three times befure whin ye had a sick headache th' +Dock takes his time about comin', but just as ye are beginnin' to throw +ye'er boots at th' clock an' show other signs iv what he calls rigem +mortar, he rides up in his fine horse an' buggy. He gets out slowly, one +foot at a time, hitches his horse an' ties a nose bag on his head. Thin +he chats f'r two hundherd years with th' polisman on th' beat. He tells +him a good story an' they laugh harshly. + +"Whin th' polisman goes his way th' Dock meets th' good woman at th' +dure an' they exchange a few wurruds about th' weather, th' bad +condition iv th' sthreets, th' health iv Mary Ann since she had th' +croup an' ye'ersilf. Ye catch th' wurruds, 'Grape Pie,' 'Canned Salmon,' +'Cast-iron digestion.' Still he doesn't come up. He tells a few stories +to th' childher. He weighs th' youngest in his hands an' says: 'That's a +fine boy ye have, Mrs. Hinnissy. I make no doubt he'll grow up to be a +polisman.' He examines th' phottygraft album an' asks if that isn't +so-an'-so. An' all this time ye lay writhin' in mortal agony an' sayin' +to ye'ersilf: 'Inhuman monsther, to lave me perish here while he chats +with a callous woman that I haven't said annything but What? to f'r +twinty years.' + +"Ye begin to think there's a conspiracy against ye to get ye'er money +befure he saunters into th' room an' says in a gay tone: 'Well, what +d'ye mane be tyin' up wan iv th' gr-reat industhrees iv our nation be +stayin' away fr'm wurruk f'r a day?' 'Dock,' says ye in a feeble voice, +'I have a tur'ble pain in me abdumdum. It reaches fr'm here to here,' +makin' a rough sketch iv th' burned disthrict undher th' blanket. 'I +felt it comin' on last night but I didn't say annything f'r fear iv +alarmin' me wife, so I simply groaned,' says ye. + +"While ye ar-re describin' ye'er pangs, he walks around th' room lookin' +at th' pictures. Afther ye've got through he comes over an says: 'Lave +me look at ye'er tongue. 'Hum,' he says, holdin' ye'er wrist an' bowin' +through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet car. 'Does that +hurt?' he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' suburbs iv th' pain. +'Ye know it does,' says ye with a groan. 'Don't do that again. Ye +scratched me.' He hurls ye'er wrist back at ye an' stands at th' window +lookin' out at th' firemen acrost th' sthreet playin' dominoes. He says +nawthin' to ye an' ye feel like th' prisoner while th' foreman iv th' +jury is fumblin' in his inside pocket f'r th' verdict. Ye can stand it +no longer. 'Dock,' says he, 'is it annything fatal? I'm not fit to die +but tell me th' worst an' I will thry to bear it. 'Well,' says he, 'ye +have a slight interioritis iv th' semi-colon. But this purscription +ought to fix ye up all right. Ye'd betther take it over to th' dhrug +sthore an' have it filled ye'ersilf. In th' manetime I'd advise ye to be +careful iv ye'er dite. I wudden't ate annything with glass or a large +percintage iv plasther iv Paris in it.' An' he goes away to write his +bill. + +"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read +his purscription. F'r all ye know, it may be a short note to th' +dhruggist askin' him to hit ye on th' head with a pestle. An' it's a +good thing ye can't read it. If ye cud, ye'd say: 'I'll not cash this in +at no dhrug store. I'll go over to Dooley's an' get th' rale thing.' So, +afther thryin' to decipher this here corner iv a dhress patthern, ye +climb into ye'er clothes f'r what may be ye'er last walk up Ar-rchy +Road. As ye go along ye begin to think that maybe th' Dock knows ye have +th' Asiatic cholery an' was onl'y thryin' to jolly ye with his manner iv +dealin' with ye. As ye get near th' dhrug store ye feel sure iv it, an' +'tis with th' air iv a man without hope that ye hand th' paper to a +young pharmycist who is mixin' a two-cent stamp f'r a lady customer. He +hands it over to a scientist who is compoundin' an ice-cream soda f'r a +child, with th' remark: 'O'Leary's writin' is gettin' worse an' worse. I +can't make this out at all.' 'Oh,' says th' chemist, layin' down his +spoon, 'that's his old cure f'r th' bellyache. Ye'll find a bucket iv +it in th' back room next to th' coal scuttle.' + +"It's a gr-reat medicine he give ye. It will do ye good no matther what +ye do with it. I wud first thry poorin' some iv it in me hair. If that +don't help ye see how far ye can throw th' bottle into th' river. Ye +feel betther already. Ye ought to write to th' medical journals about +th' case. It is a remarkable cure. 'M---- H---- was stricken with +excruciating tortures in th' gastric regions followin' an unusually +severe outing in th' counthry. F'r a time it looked as though it might +be niciss'ry to saw out th' infected area, but as this wud lave an ugly +space between legs an' chin, it was determined to apply Jam. Gin. +VIII. Th' remedy acted instantly. Afther carryin' th' bottle uncorked +f'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed signs iv +recovery an' is now again in his accustomed health.' + +"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' all th' +time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into whin I +wasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no good. An' +that wud be most iv me cases. + +"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. 'Ye'ers is a +very thrying pro-fissyon,' says I. 'It is,' says he. 'I'm tired out,' +says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases to-day?' says I. 'It +isn't that,' says he, 'but I'm not a very muscular man,' he says, 'an' +some iv th' windows in these old frame houses are hard to open,' he +says. Th' Dock don't believe much in dhrugs. He says that if he wasn't +afraid iv losin' his practice he wudn't give annybody annything but +quinine an' he isn't sure about that. He says th' more he practises +medicine th' more he becomes a janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. He +says if people wud on'y call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolish +ivry disease in th' ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he's +lookin' forward to th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll hear +a voice sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well in +his life.' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th' +horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a pipeful +iv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block.' + +"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him or +annything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' doctor +was th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er mustache, +give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while ye were havin' +ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv doctors has had +their favrite remedies. Wanst people were cured iv fatal maladies be +applications iv blind puppies, hair fr'm the skulls iv dead men an' +solutions iv bat's wings, just as now they're cured be dhrinkin' a +tayspoonful iv a very ordhinary article iv booze that's had some kind iv +a pizenous weed dissolved in it. + +"Dhrugs, says Dock O'Leary, are a little iv a pizen that a little more +iv wud kill ye. He says that if ye look up anny poplar dhrug in th' +ditchnry ye'll see that it is 'A very powerful pizen of great use in +medicine.' I took calomel at his hands f'r manny years till he told me +that it was about the same thing they put into Rough on Rats. Thin I +stopped. If I've got to die, I want to die on th' premises. + +"But, as he tells me, ye can't stop people from takin' dhrugs an' ye +might as well give thim something that will look important enough to be +inthrojuced to their important an' fatal cold in th' head. If ye don't, +they'll leap f'r the patent medicines. Mind ye, I haven't got annything +to say again patent medicines. If a man wud rather take thim thin dhrink +at a bar or go down to Hop Lung's f'r a long dhraw, he's within his +rights. Manny a man have I known who was a victim iv th' tortures iv a +cigareet cough who is now livin' comfortable an' happy as an opeem fiend +be takin' Doctor Wheezo's Consumption Cure. I knew a fellow wanst who +suffered fr'm spring fever to that extent that he niver did a day's +wurruk. To-day, afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home +not on'y with th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is a +dhrug store on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloons +onless th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine +or chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinal +minigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile." + +"Don't ye iver take dhrugs?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Niver whin I'm well," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I'm sick, I'm so sick I'd +take annything." + + + + +A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP + + +"Hogan was in here just now," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me he was +talkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to have war +with th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. Befure very +long thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand us a crack in th' +eye an' thin ye'll see throuble." + +"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Divvle a thing can I make out iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan says +we've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much fightin' I'd +do f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, which ar-re a blamed +nuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're about as vallyable as a toy +balloon to a horse-shoer, we've got to grab a lot iv th' surroundin' +dampness to protect thim. That's wan reason why we're sure to have war. +Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their little +forty-five-year-old childher to be iddycated in th' San Francisco public +schools. A third reason why it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Alderman +is that they'd been dhrinkin' together. + +"Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this counthry +cud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little Oryentals? +Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' home fr'm th' +bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around th' top iv a Jap's +head while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately about th' waist an' +they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo.' D'ye raymimber how we hollered with +joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th' bottom iv a +man-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we cheered in th' theaytre to see th' +cute little sojers iv th' Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyan +moojiks with masheen guns. An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone a +thousand miles into Rooshyan territory an' were about busted an' ayether +had to stop fightin' or not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, ye +know who I mean, jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It's +gone far enough to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An th' angel iv peace +brooded over th' earth an' crowed lustily. + +"Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column next to +th' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' defeat iv +Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw a Jap +annywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink. + +"Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little people. +How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akel +to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thin +anny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eight +days with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an old +civvylization but not tainted be age. Millyons iv years befure th' +first white man set fut in Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th' +mannyfacther iv patent wringers, sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones, +autymobills, ice-cream freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv our +boasted Westhren divilopement. + +"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a Jap +soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to have +his head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. Their treatment +iv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ago befure th' +higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this counthry, th' poorest +man in Japan cud sind his daughter to a tea-house, which is th' same as +our female siminaries, where she remained till she gradyated as th' wife +iv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push. + +"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O'Casey's +pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back, +was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' gr-reatest +athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Johnson +over a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cud +blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finest +soordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a Japanese soordsman wint into a +combat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thin +he uttered a bloodcurdlin' cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fifty +times over th' head iv th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eight +hundred an' ninety-six, give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud +'tag,' an' clove him to th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classes +engaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade but +started banks an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance. +He cud devote his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he got +two dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch iv +art that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they had us +beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld an' formerly +friends iv th' Prisidint. + +"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' pa-apers. I +invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' Lord hadn't given +me two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkiline nose, but a nose +like an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap +an' belong to th' higher civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that used +to come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a +cook an' a student in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hour +about th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh, +wondherful land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherry +blossoms a' gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' says +Prince Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I +salute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' may +ye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. Banzai,' +says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help on th' cause, +Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's collection f'r eighteen +dollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' next +mornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his new overcoat an' th' rest was +meltin' all over th' flure. + +"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' two +gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time Hogan got +th' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan outrage news both +stopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled to +Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidint +beginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a brick put through his hat as he wint to +visit th' foorth assistant to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant to +th' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to +his Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little +later a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive +in person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin' +ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth iv +their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel. +Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally were +shot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a +prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th' +Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line +men, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv +dinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th' +Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun, +austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign +attintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin' +childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th' +first reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, we +adore ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud've +shook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove our +affection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye'er +shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th' school system +is well worth studyin'.' + +"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years ago with +blood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything will happen. +Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has announced that +rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm larnin' his +a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite, +an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump lately +an' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r an invasion. Out there +they're beginnin' to talk about what nice people th' Chinese ar-re +compared with our old frinds an' allies. They say that th' Jap'nese grow +up too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a +Jap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a +little lamb,' and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools +he'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in." + +"We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't stand up +befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours." + +"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe we +on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it be +th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty iv +peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim +th' Ph'lippeens!" + + + + +THE ARMY CANTEEN + + +"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine sight. +Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' Doherty is th' +champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight. He had a +little th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get a neck holt, th' warryor +havin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reat +to see thim doin' a cart-wheel down th' sthreet." + +"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if ye +didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed. +Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' motto iv our brave +fellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis 'Wine f'r th' thremblin' +debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' 'Tis 'Father, dear father, +come home with me now.' An' who did it? Who is it that improves men an' +makes thim more ladylike, an' thin quits thim, but th' ladies? This here +reform was carried out be th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union, +no less. Ye see, 'twas this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theery +that dhrink an' fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye +fought ye drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd iv +war, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd +iv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to do th' +Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' says: 'That +fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to stand that?' an' +Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker ar-re behind ivry war. + +"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers. Up +at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors cud go an' besot +thimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was a sad sight to see +thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th' damp +sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these temples iv hell an' +swillin' down th' hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. To +this palace iv vice th' inthrepid definder iv his Nation's honor +hastened whin he had completed th' arjoos round iv his jooties, after he +had pressed th' Lootinant's clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mended +th' roof iv th' Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel's +wife, an' written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th' +food. There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th' +cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an' +thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th' +bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper. + +"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As a +dillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv America +I've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellow +fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show be +goin' into the army. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an' time +again to take th' Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin' +th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in +this thraffic in th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whin +dacint citizens were puttin' up their good money a block away an' niver +a soul comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress pay +anny attintion to us? It did not. + +"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' Christyan +Timp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at th' +last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they disthributed +copies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish,' among +our sojery. Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv our +gallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an outlyin' building, an' says wan iv +thim: 'What can they be in such a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel. +Let us go in.' An' in they wint. + +"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes was +enough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an' +blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happy +though single f'r four hundred years, an' that next to alcohol is th' +greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' wretches were playin' +cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; others were indulgin' in +music, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r idleness, while still others were +intint on th' furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell. +But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed +with unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans +shtud a bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellow +flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as I am +to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. But +concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be th' +taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv America, +supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' th' +flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer. + +"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not remain long +in this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' dillygation +recovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was thryin' to +skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to his +ineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye ralize that that +bottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. 'I think ye'er +wrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he says. 'Soon or late,' she +says, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' she says. 'Not me,' says th' +vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I don't care f'r rum. A pleasant +companyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little iv +th' Demon Hot Water an' th' Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has a +perfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum, +madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's a +demon,' says he. 'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?' +says she. 'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annything +sthronger without desertin,' he says. + +"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye know what a +Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Th' on'y +thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y thing I'd be afraid iv, +an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv is +th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' ten +commandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make +thim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.' +But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been +there befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair +in th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand, +an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat. +'Ladies,' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th' +ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an +adder,' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th' +Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that +will dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We +abolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make +th' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have +ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, 'th' +popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Ye +see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle iv +Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!' + +"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all right +now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Some +iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened places +convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corroding +beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I see +wan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If the +sojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes +care iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve +dollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times +eight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th' +coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeepers holds +its next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send dillygates to th' Young +Ladies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought to be what th' unions call +an affilyated organization." + +"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's right." + +"An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' th' +sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's as much +iv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r a year. I'd +give up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to escape th' throuble I +have fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I don't deny it. I'll admit I'm +no betther thin an ordinhry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something that +cures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th' +lungs. If it really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an' +ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life. +Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think he +was betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance has +thrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat ar-re +eppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. It's a frind +to thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those that love it most. +It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go out. I tell ye 'tis a +threacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be given to ivry man. + +"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish priest +to see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. F'r wan man +he'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock O'Leary does whin he +ordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another he'd write: 'Three times +a day at meals.' But most people he wudden't prescribe it f'r at all. + +"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud iv +me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanic +an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden't +care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah into +th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have to +get me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds. + +"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried to reform +man, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe he's not worth +reformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be allowed to pizen +himsilf into th' belief that he amounts to something, but thin they +don't undherstand man. They little know what a bluff he is an' how 'tis +on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no use +except to burn undher a tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all. +He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. They +see how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take it +away fr'm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he's +dhrunk he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside out +as well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th' +fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an' +something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know that +there is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an' +that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved that otherwise +might've died single." + +"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it." + +"Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver been +really against it." + + + + +THINGS SPIRITUAL + + +"Th' latest thing in science," said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' human +soul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye befure ye +die an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is what ye'er +soul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv a soul in New +England is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he argies that th' +conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' soul wud be in th' +heavyweight class, f'r th' New England conscience is no feather. He +thinks it don't escape with th' soul, but lies burrid in th' roons iv +its old fam'ly home--th' liver. + +"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow it's +simple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see anny money in +it as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul weighed? Suppose ye'er +time has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with their own thoughts, grievin' +because they hadn't been as good to ye as they might, because they won't +have ye with thim anny more, because it's too late f'r thim to square +thimsilves, pityin' ye because ye'er not remainin' to share their +sorrows with thim, wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were bought +in honor iv what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim in +mimry iv Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th' +very young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to look +as sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. They +nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm time to +time they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to make a laugh'ble +face. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're surprised he isn't +gayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe he's lost his job. There +ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles as +he goes by, an' two iv th' neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a +fine man ye were if ye didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much. + +"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. F'r th' +first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in ye'er life +ye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years ye've been somebody +else. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er relations, th' polisman +on th' beat, th' doctor, th' newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th' +mills, th' laws iv th' land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th' +tailor, th' barber, an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held a +lookin'-glass in front iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled ye +to make faces in it. But in this here particular business ye have no wan +to please but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're +akelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or stay +ye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry whistle +an' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science shakes ye be th' +elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out.' An' he weighs figures: 'Wan +hundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' fifty. Siven fr'm naught +can't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten leaves three. I find that th' +soul iv our late laminted frind weighed a light three pounds +avirdoopoise.' + +"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't have their +souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go through +th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, what?' 'They had to +get an expert accountant to figure its weight, it was that puny.' + +"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin he +entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul to +offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv us wud +have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no wan can see +him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes rompin' home miles +ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell have to weigh out,' an' +a little later a notice is posted up that Dorgan is disqualified f'r +ridin' undherweight in th' matther iv soul. On th' other hand, there's +little Miss Maddigan, th' seamstress. She's all but left at th' post; +she's jostled all th' way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. But +she's th' only wan iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighs +ninety-six pounds--six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it soul. + +"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their souls +weighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. Th' people +that wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want to be tested by +it. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: 'Misther So-an'-so, +th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, universally regretted. +His estate amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. There ar-re two large +bequests to charity. Wan is a thrust fund set aside f'r his maiden +sister Annybelle, who will receive f'r life th' income on eight +hundhred dollars in stock iv th' Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other +is forty-two dollars to buy a wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein' +undherstood that no charge is to be made be th' estate against th' +brother f'r a set iv false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteen +four. Th' balance iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minor +childher until they ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that his +soul be measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wan +pennyweight.'" + +"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I know it's +there, but I think--I kind iv feel--I wondher--I don't hardly know--" + +"I see what ye mean" said Mr. Dooley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re not to be +thrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who tells time be a +clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry hour is different to +me. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in th' avenin' that pass +between two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re hours in th' arly mornin' +whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's age cud stretch in. Clocks +ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as annything gets +good enough to weigh ye can't weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other +fellow. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's +weight fr'm what th' scales say. Little I care. A pound or two more or +less makes no diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' something +that's precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on a +see-saw. + +"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about annything? +I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years thin anny wan iver +wint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know annything about +annything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. I'm a modest man. +Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye, +Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors, +preachers, doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't +annybody say that they don't know annything about annything worth +knowin' about? Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure +me class an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a +scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant as--ye'ersilf. I'll +have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It was +obtained be false pretences.' + +"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am mesilf. +I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye don't care +annything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral eye. Nawthin' +that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go over to see +Dooley,' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go over to Dooley's.' +I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look like a row iv model +wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch ye'er silences to. I'm +always about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a millyon Dooleys an' all iv +thim sthrangers to ME. I niver know which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm +like a hotel keeper with on'y wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wan +at a time an' tumble each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th' +bottle with a gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th' +wurruld, an' suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomy +wretch that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'm +just gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross, +cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with me. An' +so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows an' I know +nawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip iv anny other +man, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted. + +"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. Don't +thry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if ye do that +enough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've got to start in +believin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er belief. Our old frind +Christopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason f'r believin' that there +was anny such a place as America. But he believed it without a reason +an' thin wint out an' found it. Th' fellows that discovered th' canals +on Mars which other fellows think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn't +anny right to think there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I +wondher if there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll look +an' see. Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd wondhered an' thin believed +about clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is proof +iv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in +th' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run away +fr'm doubt. + +"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his belief. If I +see a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him hollerin', 'Hooray, +I've discovered a new planet,' I'll be th' last man in th' wurruld to +brush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. I've known people that see +ghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. They cud see ghosts an' I +cudden't. There wasn't annything else to it. I knew a fellow that was a +Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' chattel morgedge business on week days +an' he was a Spiritulist on Sunday. He cud understand why th' spirits +wud always pick out a stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that had +his thumb mark registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an' +he knew why spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why they +convarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man that +wud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r good." + +"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost," said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +BOOKS + + +"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tis +me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth. +Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages iv +age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wud +rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv its +lessons f'r hope an' teeth. + +"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post grajate +coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld an' watchin' +th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how seeryous. How sure +they are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin'; we laugh but +we are not cheerful; we have no romance about th' colledge. Ye don't +hear us givin' nine long cheers f'r our almy matther. We ain't even +thankful f'r th' lessons it teaches us or th' wallops it hands us whin +we f'rget what we've been taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin' +th' school, but hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more. + +"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen comin' in an' +I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our vin'rable +institution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin' in to +waken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices. I'm sure th' +other undhergrajates will like him. He hasn't been spoiled be bein' th' +star iv his school f'r so long, Charles seems to me to be th' normal +healthy boy. He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whin +they enther. He tells people what books they shud read an' he invints a +new relligon. Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out +iv his system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven't +got th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' fr +mesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can get +th' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that if a man +was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't go to sleep +without takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, I shud think that +Doctor Eliot's very old vatted books are comparatively harmless. They +are sthrong it is thrue. They will go to th' head. I wud advise a man +who is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter. +But they will hurt no man who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim out +carefully. 'Give me me tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-foot +shelf iv books.' An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izes +that th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time +this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing. +Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table. +Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an' +hermetically sealed. + +"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore as +Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it shows +how broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has included +Milton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is what ye might +call summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe it to ye, Hinnissy. +Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story an' yet it ain't a problem +play. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul who becomes th' iditor iv a daily +newspaper. That is th' beginnin' iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how it +comes out. I don't want to spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niver +guess who committed th' crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A most +injanyous book an' wan iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were four +editions iv thirty copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-covered +copies at fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches. +I'm not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanst +f'r some manager. + +"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell--but I won't tell +ye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical things in it. I +don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light, +perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think iv +annything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with a +glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this little +jim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisy +call to tell ye what it all meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I mane +I niver go f'r a long journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica in +me pocket. I have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returned +it. I have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yet +how few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars that +if ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet an' out iv +ivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on three, have +niver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it was runnin' ye +cudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' f'r two cinchries it +has proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin anny iv Milton's pomes, +f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye hardly iver hear mentioned in th' +sthreet cars at th' prisint moment, was a pote as well as an author an' +blind at that, an', what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. I +wondher if two hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk iv +William Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they? + +"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it must be +grander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read annything. He +ain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' habit. Long years +ago I decided that I cudden't read annything but th' lightest newspaper +with me meals. I seldom read between meals excipt now an' thin f'r +socyability's sake. If I am with people that are readin' I'm very apt to +jine thim so's not to appear to be bad company. But Hogan is always at +it. I wudden't mind if he wint out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin let +it alone. But he reads whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He reads +with his meals. He is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand book +stores. He can't go on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' other +passengers or invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' their +houses. Not a bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tell +ye that th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an' +he'll talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him read +books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is +always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some men +are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hogan +believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain't +annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An' +he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' to +desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to a +hero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limit +ye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Take +soft readin'. How d'ye expict to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye are +goin'? Who wud make a confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'd +divide ye'er customers into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lend +money to th' villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'r +th' villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th' +heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to do +annything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes iv me +fellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I wudden't +thrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I see f'r all +th' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in th' wurruld,' +says he. + +"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent +get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full.' +An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about his +books so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't come +undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friend +Charles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He +is sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it. +'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th' +time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done, +on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' child +is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niver +know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about. +Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn ye +down. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th' +usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, but +because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm +just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead,' says th' +faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye +are. What'll ye take?" + +"I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy. + +"I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin' +paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?" + + + + +THE TARIFF + + +"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen are +doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' away +undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th' +tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frind +big Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to see +th' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has +been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv +some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little +gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that +is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, +Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender +in some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' give +him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerd +about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated crather +ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to be +helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight. +No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver. + +"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's a +fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrests +well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. So +he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r a +week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an' +romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th' +Dead-wood Dick series. + +"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th' +declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind iv +gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbia +puttin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' products iv our soil +fr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an' eyes, artyficial horse +hair an' bone casings, which comes undher th' head iv clothin' an' I +suppose is a polite name f'r pantaloons. + +"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's goin' +to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating luxuries. D'ye +know Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to hear it. He knows ye. +Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or three places. He does so. +'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin' +th' heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this, +counthries have perished because iv th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy. +We must presarve th' ideels iv American simplicity. We'll show this +vulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin' +around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, be +Hivens. How will we get at him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty per +cent. on ready made clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit. +That'll teach him to squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar in +th' Roo dilly Pay. We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv forty +per cent. on knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five a +dozen. We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes. +We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says he. + +"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'er +skin--an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' hide schedule +yet--that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It's +ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll have +to pay f'r thim. If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shingles +an' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it +with ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an' +karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er +wealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people. + +"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain't +so. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th' +Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathriotic +Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if ye +don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes in +free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones. +There, I told ye. Curling stones are free. Ye'll be able to buy all +ye'll need this summer f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladies +comin' into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in their +stockin's to avoid th' iniquitous customs. + +"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty.' +Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove that +they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thim +f'r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in f'r scientific +purposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th' +Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th' docks to +catch th' teeth smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth in +th' face iv anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't have +to put thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thim +chalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to hand a +five to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids that I +picked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me through.' No, sir, +teeth are free. + +"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's a good +thing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir in his tea. +Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can take th' London +_Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. They've removed th' jooty +on Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that far, but in spite iv th' +protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it +fr'm th' list iv jootyable articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse, +an' I'm sure ye'll be glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soap +is on th' free list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv New +York objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'we +must not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' poor,' he +says. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, an' I wud not +deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So pulu was put on th' +free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin had to go on, too, as it is +on'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease. + +"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed. +Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary +bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th' +next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrike +a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. But Sinitor Tillman, +who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd an' is niver seen without +wan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallant +fight f'r his protegees, an' thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a +lighter heart that night. Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this +year, an' anny American wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. There +ought to be some way iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud make +a nourishin' dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttle +fish bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop around +an' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed. + +"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down th' list +I see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a compliment to +Sinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' inthraduction iv this harmless +dhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that's +satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th' +free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand +that we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind +Willum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other +day that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. But +does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enough +American spunk? + +"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free list. But +there are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles, +wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, life +boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' new +tariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. But +there's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free +list? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No. +Sugar? Wrong. Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy. +Sinitor Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye if +ye're sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise. +Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re on +th' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll be wan +pretty soon. + +"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his priceless +joss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me week's washin' +pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' dhreamin' he was th' Impror +iv Chiny, while I've had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me a +headache! But that day is passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode +Island has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th' +tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought +to read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take +this sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv +hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has been +rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye. +Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye see +ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er private +yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art more +thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, while +th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle. + +"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, I +have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd in +Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hall +has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge in +accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv button +shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say +that this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th' +hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th' +custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic +result was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded +fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's +almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Ye +bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he can +lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to +disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail to +throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th' +riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing to +see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation. + +"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest jool in th' +dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored teachin's iv our +leaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. It is crushin' out th' +lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst parts iv this divvlish injine +iv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says, +'as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, while +wan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise me +voice again a tariff on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhread +implymint iv oppressyon is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' bland +an' beautiful molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says. + +"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' says th' +sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me arliest days I was +brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. At manny a con-vintion +ye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if there is such a lot iv this +monsthrous iniquity passin' around, don't Virginya get none? How about +th' mother iv prisidents? Ain't she goin' to have a grab at annything? +Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I will +talk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th' +proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th' +tamarack bark iv old Virginya.' + +"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?' + +"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether a cure +f'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv carpet +slippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes it +an' he needs th' money.' + +"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' says +Sinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to put +both feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' same item?' + +"'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud be +foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish docthrines +iv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says he. + +"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrything +done on th' fine old principle iv give an' take." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' foreigner +pays th' tax, annyhow." + +"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden." + + + + +THE BIG FINE + + +"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. Dooley. + +"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley. + +"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjous +fine. I can't hardly believe it." + +"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars. +Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was that +they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. was goin' +around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speed +limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th' +neighbors cud stand it no longer. The judge says: 'Ye're an old +offender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon +dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk. + +"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. He +wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that. All +he'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his pocket, skin +twinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' hurl thim at th' +clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv principle. 'Twas not that he +needed th' money. He don't care f'r money in th' passionate way that you +an' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes iv us are as crazy about a dollar as a +man is about his child whin he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoil +it. But Jawn D., havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takes +on'y a kind iv gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin' +that he's a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther his +own money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it where +it won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a society f'r +th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his money +he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry Saturdah night he lets th' +man see it fr a few hours. An' he says he's surprised to find that whin, +with th' purest intintions in th' wurruld, he is found thryin' to coax +our little money to his home where it'll find conjanial surroundings an' +have other money to play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th' +polis arrest him f'r abduction. + +"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, Hinnissy, +is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. 'Tis +sthrange that all th' pathrites that have wanted to hang Willum Jennings +Bryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, are +now showin' their respect f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm their +decisions. Ye'd think Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th' +awful presence iv Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor. +This here noble fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give me +enough? If agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' But +he doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th' +coorts on'y if they bow first. + +"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv cross an' +indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same respect f'r thim +as they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a decision iv a judge +onless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', second, other judges bow to it. +Ye can't be too careful about what decisions ye bow to. A decision that +seems agreeable may turn out like an acquaintance ye scrape up at a +picnic. Ye may be ashamed iv it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowed +to a decree iv a coort on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort, +knock at th' dure an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman in +a black silk petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty +vinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile. + +"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst, +payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th' +other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just to +annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. Manny's th' time I've +bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thin +it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th' +tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he's +figurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints iv +two or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to. +Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges because +they have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why +annybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'd +rather take a chance. Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decides +it th' way he intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's just +been beat climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th' +judge? Ye bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, gives +th' magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an' +runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick an' +says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except what ye've +whispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I wuddent thrust him +to referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay th' fine till ye hear +fr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' decision is th' fellow that won, +an' pretty soon he sees he's made a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coort +comes out an' declares that th' decision of th' lower coort is another +argymint in favor iv abolishing night law schools. + +"That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I wondher +will they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill be a long +sentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' attempted to +juggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv th' emergency +hospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't happen to have that +amount with him at th' moment or at anny moment since th' day he was +born. But the judge was very lenient with him. He said he needn't pay it +if he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a letther of inthroduction to th' +bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r two hundhred days. At that rate +it'll be a long time befure Jawn D. an' me meet again on the +goluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that if Jawn D. refuses to go back +on his Puritan principles an' separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll be +wan hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man ought +to be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight +thousand years. + +"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an' +good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an' +disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly in +life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to be +a little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that me +pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it. +'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I +got it. I was always clear about th' way to spend it but oncertain about +th' way to get it. If th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd've +turned me dhreams around an' made me clear about makin' th' money but +very awkward an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves to +ivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin' +how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat business +capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. No +matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn't +totally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our means +will allow. But now, I tell ye, I don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraid +iv it. In th' good old days th' polis coorts were crowded with th' +poor. They weren't charged with poverty, iv coorse, but with the results +iv poverty, d'ye mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th' +coorts an' the bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' gold +rimmed specs peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this man +charged with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tin +millyon dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' black +cap." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' to thim." + +"I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me frind +Jawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice to th' +worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain in +incompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave it where +it'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is that he don't +see how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father iv about thirty +dollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own foolish way. I may not +do what's right be thim. I may be too indulgent with thim. Their home +life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th' +Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betther +surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv +'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niver +will have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th' +governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good +manny iv thim go to th'bad." + +"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes out +at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll find a +great manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv transportation but +not much in annything else. He may find flyin' machines, though it'll be +arly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny people still walkin' to their +wurruk." + + + + +EXPERT TESTIMONY + + +"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a man +must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors +don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich do +that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men with +money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'r +sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a +crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get a +certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye're +let out iv Joliet. + +"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th' +scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. That +still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th' +privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completely +hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befure +an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther +his inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy +atmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome +pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury +iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole +judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hanged +an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletory +frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up iv +ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in him +that must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station. + +"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'Brief +News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th' +Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim +coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th' +law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in our +fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enough +to get all he wanted to eat. + +"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He +don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces +in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't +deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th' +circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I +do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an' +I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not +care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r +th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th' +polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, +fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced +an' that ye can slip somethin' to. + +"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y temple +iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niver +thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th' +handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles +where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may be +blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into +her lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th' +pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes +off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord. + +"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak into +Hogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable impulse to +take his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' all this. Ye +wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's sound asleep. Ye +give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed, an' hook th' +clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye're arristed. Th' pa-apers +comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch +fr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th' victim. +Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' there's an article to show that anny +wan has a right to take Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man to +have th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it. +This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich. +Ye're next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations, +an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard to +persons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye. + +"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th' +watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' says th' +clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid cheers an' +hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have,' says th' +pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me look at it,' says th' +coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, puttin' it back into his pocket. +'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-re +goin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime he was insane,' +says th' lawyer. 'I object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legal +to inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations is +established. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do +we know he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much money +have ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect more.' +Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.' + +"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th' +head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' 'As guest or +landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a question. +Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an' +supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in question, an' suppose it +was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' right +hand corner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat +an' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday--' 'I +objict,' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larned +frind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbids +th' mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an' +substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how does +th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Janooary--an' +supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye haven't got a very large +salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' college, an' +supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th' +night in question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he +not funny at th' roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th' +State's attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th' +wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th' +laws iv evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' says +th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike out +th' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud +"aloofness." + +"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' 'In th' +pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' 'What did that +indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety iv tomaine +excelsis--' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th' +expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th' +expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm a +sudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I +don't know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his +chimbley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th' +crime?' 'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes +leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germans +call tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly sane +all his life till this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his head +an' blew th' cover off.' + +"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have a +care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' pris'ner, carelessly +jingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well, +I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayed +feather-headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I +don't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen +had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be +wastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv +this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared +with this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able, +magnificent specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve four +an' twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at +that.' + +"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th' +Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some rale +experts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin' eight ways +fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insane +on this particklar night, this was th' on'y time that he was perfeckly +sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' Daily +Fluff_, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if ye +don't want a few remarks printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'll +let him off.' 'Don't pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' says +another lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a +cucumber. We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in our +vallyable journal this mornin'.' + +"'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend +Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same,' +says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard iv th' Lord +who astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th' +Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv standin' on me head an' +playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the accorjeen with me feet. +'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to th' law an' +th' fact: I am all mixed up on th' law; th' fact is there's a mob +outside waitin' to lynch ye if ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort will +now adjourn be th' back dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. +'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I +must be goin' too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re." + +"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim experts +ar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv tistymony +an' perjury?" + +"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +THE CALL OF THE WILD + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt has been +doin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are full iv mangled +authors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors goes out into th' +woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on crutches." + +"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"'Twas this way," said Mr. Dooley. "I have it fr'm Hogan, me lithry +adviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in lithrachoor, an' I do +th' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a little something that's +excitin' comin' to me, but this time he's made good. It seems, ye see, +that a good manny iv th' la-ads that write th' books have been lavin' +th' route iv th' throlley line an' takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtle +an' Clarence an' th' wrong done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutal +foreman iv lard tank nine, an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy love +affairs iv Carrie Boo, th' deer, an' th' throubles in th' domestic +relations iv th' pan fish an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'y +books that Hogan has told me about have been wrote about animiles. I've +always thought iv th' beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' a +leg off a man that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boys +tell me they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, get +marrid an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devoured +be thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink to +excess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be surprised +to know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' that th' gopher +complained iv his gas bills. + +"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' illyphant I +wondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv his that he uses +akelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' fork. Is he +recallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man sunk an ice pick +into him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some wan still there that +he thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does she iver dhream iv him as +she ates her hay an' rubs her back agin th' bars iv her gilded cage? +There's th' hippypotamus. He don't look to be full iv sintiment, but ye +never can tell. Manny an achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppy +exteeryor. Somewhere in sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' fr +him. Th' wallow at th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' ooze +arranged be tinder paws. But he will not return. They will meet, but +they will miss him, there will be wan vacant lair. + +"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm thinkin' iv +askin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to spind an avenin' +with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says there's nawthin' in it. +It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' best they can. Ye can't +expect an author to lave his comfortable flat an' go three or four +thousand miles to larn whether th' hero iv his little love story +murdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' ear or be fellin' him with a +half Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why should he? Who wud feed th' goold fish +while he was gone? + +"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' wilds an' +p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he calls f'r some +tea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' writes: 'Vichtry was +not long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he cud return to his burrow +Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail an' dashed his brains out agin +a rock. With a leap in th' air th' bold wolf put to rout a covey iv +muskrats, those evil sojers iv fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' over +ivry animile battlefield. Wan blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th' +buffalo. With another he crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th' +most threacherous an' th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzed +be th' boldness iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' scene +iv havoc, as is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th' +cow, which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted him +with th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it is +well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, th' wolf +is no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary wolf. As he +heerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' strength iv a +thousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience he shed his coat, +f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been more careful; he shed +his coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly advanced on th' foe. His +inimy give th' low growl iv his hated thribe. How manny a time have I +heerd it in Englewood an' shuddered with fear. But th' dauntless Tusky +answered back with his battle song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, his +wife accompanyin' him fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. With +wan spring th' inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sink +her venomous fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness, +he back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to point +iv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat bulk iv th' +monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' torrent an' took th' +count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his mate. She was eatin' th' +whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace come to th' jungle.' + +"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' best +animile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help me story +to tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his eye blacked, +an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to put wan over that +stopped another wolf. That's what usually happens up this way, an' it +ain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a story that'll inthrest me +frinds I give it to thim good. Whin I describe me fav'rite hero, Dock +Haggerty, I tell about him throwin' wan man out iv th' window an' usin' +another as a club to bate th' remainin' twelve into submission. But if +I had to swear to it, an' wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, I +wudden't say that I iver see Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man--at a +time. At a time, mind ye. He might take care iv a procession iv +Johnsons. But he'd be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th' +Ethical Culture Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If iver +more thin wan comes at wanst,' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked,' he says. + +"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I want to +read. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' blew in me +good thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd want some kind +iv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' best day I iver +knew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. I won't say it was +much, but now that we're both retired, I'll say that I'm glad I niver +challenged him. But I wudden't look at a book, an' I wudden't annyway, +but I wudden't let Hogan tell me about a hero that cudden't wear an +overcoat an' rubber boots, have wan arm done up in a sling, an' +something th' matther with th' other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a +plug hat on his head, th' aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th' +referee usin' a cross-cut saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an' +fifty Jawn L. Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through +th' window. Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether +'tis a wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same +thing--whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been talkin' about +f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he used to talk +about--what d'ye call him?--ah, where's me mind goin'?--Ivanhoe. + +"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called down thim +nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I wint befure th' +fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim what I thought wud +inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he say? I'll tell ye. 'I do +not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I wanted to charackterize these +here nature writers, I wud use a much shorter an' uglier wurrud thin +liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I cannot. Ye take, f'r example, +What's-his-name. Has this man iver been outside iv an aviary? I doubt +it. Here he has a guinea pig killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear. +Now it is notoryous to anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness +f'r these monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in +th' ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond +makin' thim hard iv hearin'. + +"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature writers. This +is a man whose name is a household wurrud in Conneticut. His books are +used in th' schools. An' what does this man, who got his knowledge iv +wild beasts apparently fr'm mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is +his message to th' little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim +that I've got to think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth, +instead iv leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an +undherstandin' iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons +their innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood--I can't +think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with premeditated--that +th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' its hidyous fangs into th' +gapin' throat iv its prey. How can honest citizens an' good women be +brought up on such infamyous docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attack +Conneticut an' th' bells shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' these +little darlings shud follow this false prophet an' run out in their +nighties an' thry to leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised? +Wudden't the little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want these +here darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautiful +truth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel him. +There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with wan +terrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way Willum +J. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest throat iv +anny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud hate to have to +sthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's cramp f'r months +aftherward.' + +"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these here +nature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. Th' wild +animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best they can an' +th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, manin' get what +ye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes on. But some wan ought +to bring out a new nature story. I've thought iv chapter twinty-eight: +'With wan blow iv his pen he laid low, but not much lower, Orpheus L. +Jubb, th' well-known minichure painter who has taken up nature study. +With another he disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who +retired fr'm th' Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to +their heejous docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote his +cillybrated book on wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn car +window. It took on'y a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound on +Seton-Thompson's kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primeval +forest. Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an' +thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted ally, +John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice that had so +long preyed on th' counthry.' + +"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these neefaryous +plots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. Th' man that +tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat kills an owl is be +pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen. He ought to +be put in an aquaryum. But take it day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long +won't give anny information to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much. +Th' number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes +that come down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make +anny wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to +us how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' we're +comin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason why. I +suppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite something +that they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had to bring up a +flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't much care what they +larned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' chambok, but I'd teach +thim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, an' th' bite iv th' polisman +on th' beat." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow that +writes books f'r childher ought to write th' truth." + +"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim," said Mr. Dooley. "Annyhow, +th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay aven boord wages, +an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a job on th' side." + + + + +THE JAPANESE SCARE + + +"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. Dooley. + +"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv a +sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're into +ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ral +Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare to +go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war. +Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. A +smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to us +Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellow +makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye,' says th' +Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' 'Thin he must have his face +changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll +divastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,' +he says. + +"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's no +legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th' +Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayor +desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman on +th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin' +visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel, +Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be +th' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me +liquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll +up me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh' +to any black-an'-tan I meet. + +"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymite +dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party iv +Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv John +Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed +with a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th' +Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that +brought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little +childer atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will +curse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that +done so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I +stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over. + +"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fear +an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five--Th' whole +nation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in +Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficult +f'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at +ye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war. +A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain +facthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose +name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo +befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what he +cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threaty +rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into his +collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouth +organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name iv +Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sad +result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threaty +rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is some +relief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidint +has sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully. + +"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discuss +sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rights +iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick iv +th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo +thransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th' +Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in +Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted +th' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land.' +'Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to +marry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student +an' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house +keeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese +Consul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old +frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th' +Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th' +Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' a +riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th' +seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats, +pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles which +is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their grief +th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an' +Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_ +an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo.' + +"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good old +days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't +insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong, +befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantile +disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a +German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an +Englishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give +him th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th' +head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wan +naytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud +boast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to +be a Fr-rinchman. + +"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don't +touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hat +down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be what +Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'll +be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long till +we'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I +r-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been +reorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned +petticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs +have been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new +assortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th' +evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th' +next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind Lip +Hung's laundhry. + +"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part iv +prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thin +abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They were +all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take off +me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r a +dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Their +ships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th' +Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver +payin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th' +whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They +use guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv +desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y known +to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin' +eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible. +A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on a +small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such a +perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that they +have made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies iv +Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in +Japan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv +their magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is +a sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be +feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He +is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most +sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hard +to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshya +because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought to +be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellar +is bomb-proof. + +"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls a +wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare, +winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body was +invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner. +Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybe +wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it anny +longer. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cut +into th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan +hand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th' +Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead +that was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look +at his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th' +deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighbor +winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an' +denouncin' me." + +"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. Hennessy. "Th' +likes iv thim!" + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to be +polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a man +is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he's +little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look out +f'r him." + + + + +THE HAGUE CONFERENCE + + +"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th' +Passyfic." + +"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th' +rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether it +is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers iv +New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-re +hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy is +divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided. Wan great +iditor, fr'm his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th' navy to +report at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another great +iditor livin' in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril. +Nawthin' is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his +mighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest +cook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy +Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict like +internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything. + +"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy goes to th' +Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They've +dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoists +ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loaded +with confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an' +sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th' +home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries +readin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a +series iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th' +Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last +war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up +be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. It +was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just been +blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv his +cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitive +peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as +he set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv +bombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken +glass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an aged +servitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic +Assassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says +to himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld +shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot each +other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'r +their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an' +go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he +says. + +"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reat +manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they have +been devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th' +future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a +resolution offered be a dillygate fr'm Paryguay callin' f'r immeejit +disarmamint, which is th' same, Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers to +turn in their guns to th' man at th' dure. This was carrid be a very +heavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay, +Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed were +England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' the +United States. + +"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' convintion thin +discussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish dillygate abolishin' war +altogether. This also was carried, on'y England, France, Rooshya, +Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' United States votin' no. + +"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger question iv +how future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests iv peace. Th' +conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' th' mushroom bullet +which, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not much larger thin a +marble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes whirlin' through th' +allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' Chinese dillygate said that he +regarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had an +aunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fifty +years iv age, who received wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscue +iv Pekin fr'm th' foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with +feelin' on th' subjick as th' Chinese army did not use these +pro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters. + +"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, 'quite +thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th' +digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that they be +abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th' subjick +races,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white man +off his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a black +man they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An' afther all, th' +improvemint iv th' moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thin +anny mere physical question. We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africa +that th' charmin' bullet now undher discussion did much to change +conditions in that enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains. +Th' darky that happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. He +retired fr'm labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says. +'I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters with +races that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate fr'm +Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er question iv +privilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' windows open,' +says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' he says. + +"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, moved that +in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on'y Italy +votin' no. + +"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with dinnymite, +poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to infants, bilin' +prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. Some excitemint was +created durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm th' cannybal islands who +proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th' German dillygate thought +that this was carryin' a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud give +th' cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeen +sojers were accustomed to horses. Th' English dillygate said that while +much cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to him +rather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv anny +cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th' +Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud be +considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid. + +"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to go +to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' slate. Th' +English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', says he, 'if ye +deprived us iv th' right to collect debts be killin' th' debtor ye wud +take away fr'm war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again to +cease thinkin' on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an' considher +th' moral side alone,' he says. Th' conference was much moved be this +pathetic speech, th' dillygate fr'm France wept softly into his +hankerchef, an' th' dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly took +an open-face goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala. + +"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud be +fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th' +reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' dillygate fr'm Chiny +arose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?' +'Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' chairman. 'We're all profissors iv +colledges or lawyers whin we're home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot my +aunt?' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to +hook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid +away to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery +war?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English +dillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says. + +"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tell +thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men +over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave or +by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an' +they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin, +set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv +th' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I +niver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th' +hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty +minyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a +summer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to +steal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that +war or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate +fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan +civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on his +hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' he wint +home." + + + + +TURKISH POLITICS + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny king's head +these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be a +king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly iv bein' born +outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't make +anny diff'rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don't come +fr'm th' counthry where he's king. 'No natives need apply,' is th' +motto. If a counthry is so bad off that it has to have a king, they sind +a comity down to Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan, +make him throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him +king, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that +are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a +Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other kings +an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord knows what +he is. + +"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to prevint me +fr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin I'd turn th' +Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me subjicks, +ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but marciful +monarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty handed. I'd +always lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a cabinet I'd have, +but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained flattherers that cud be +hired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud tell me th' truth, an' I'd live +an' die happy. I'd show these modhern kings how a king ought to behave. +Ye wudden't see Martin I, iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hired +entertainer, wan day doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th' +layin' iv a cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th' +Amalgamated Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horses +with Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r a +balloon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles away. +No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' thin I'd +blindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' I'd niver open +me mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' low taste iv kings +has rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think +twict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis as preecaryous as a steeple jack's, +an' no more permanent thin a Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a king +goes out an' looks haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipe +bomb at him, an' if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on +th' back in th' paddock an' called 'Joe.' + +"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, sometimes +I let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be Sultan iv Turkey. +There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. It was well paid, it +looked to be permanent, and I thought it about th' best situation in th' +wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a combination iv pope an' king. If he +didn't like ye, he first excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye. +There, thinks I to mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on a +silk embroidered lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legs +curled up undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap, +a pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his elbow, a +pipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales whistle in th' +cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful Circassyan ladies dance in +front iv him far fr'm his madding throng iv wives, as th' pote says. + +"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he starts +fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august prisince. +'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' Sultan. 'Bark f'r +th' ladies,' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, descindant iv th' prophet, +whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon an' stars, whose frown is death +an' whose smile is heaven to th' faithful;--' 'Don't be so familyar with +me first name,' says th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptible +supplication,' says he. 'Ye'er slave,' says th' sicrety iv th' threasury +fr'm th' flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther +standin' th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake out +more thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er +awfulness,' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyon +piasthres--bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls,' says he. +'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an insult. Lave it +on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv a tailor,' he says, +an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson with +little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear iv th' faithless minister is a +squeak an' a splash. He rules be love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that +life without love is useless, annybody that don't love him can go an' +get measured f'r a name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price +is lower. His people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thim +to keep all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits +be takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an +Armeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business in +this counthry. + +"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' man, +'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' days. So whin +I r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution startin' to fire +Abdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance ye've got, me lads. That +old boy will be holdin' down his job whin there's a resignation fr'm th' +supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton,' says I. 'Th' first thing ye young +Turks know ye'll-be gettin' a prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv a +necktie,' says I, 'an' it won't fit ye,' says I. + +"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a pitcher +iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper--a snap-shot, mind ye! Think of that, +will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew his thrade wud iver +let anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye iver hear iv Alexander th' +Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a snap-shot took iv him? No, sir. +Whin they wanted to satisfy th' vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to know +what their lord looked like, they chained an artist to a wall in th' +cellar of th' palace an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcher +iv me that will get ye out iv here,' says they. Nobody in thim days knew +that th' king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was made +iv glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose. + +"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around Constantinople in a +hack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor phottygrafters his job was +secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk talked to another about him they +talked in whispers. 'What d'ye suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Oh +me, oh my,' says th' other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says his +voice is like thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud +shrivel th' likes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul, be damid, +as th' potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th' +palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th' +Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look at--a +skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between ye'er thumb an' +forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He wore a hand-me-down +coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' he's crosseyed. Here's a +pitcher iv him.' 'What, that little runt? Ye don't mean to say that's +th' Sultan.--Why, he looks like th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th' +corner an' asks me have I anny old clothes betther thin what I have on. +An' to think iv th' likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let's +throw him out.' + +"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a squad iv +polis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' rung th' bell. +'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose change into his shoe. +'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain. 'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'd +betther come peaceful,' he says. An' they bust in th' dure an' th' +Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple iv collars into a grip an' selicts +iliven iv his least formid-able wives to go along with him an' they put +on their bonnets an' shawls an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' their +goold fish an' their fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an' +has to stop so that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something they +f'rgot at th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says, +'Did ye iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says, +'They're all alike, Doc,' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off goes +th' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. An' th' +sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had been kept +f'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' is boosted into +th' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is intherviewed be th' +reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best he can an' he hopes th' +press won't be too hard on him, because he is a poor loonytick annyhow. + +"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along with me +dhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If that's th' +kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to take that wants +it. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to search th' palace, like +th' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd left anny money behind, divvle +th' thrace they found iv annything that I'd thrade f'r me back room. I +begun to feel sorry f'r th' poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on a +sofy an' listenin' to th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranite +threes while ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him with +fans iv peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in a +garret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that come +next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent sleep +nights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was foorced be +fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was abundant. Take +it all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye he's happyer now where +he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' lawn, an' sneakin' into +Constantinople iv a Saturday night an' seein' Circassyan girls dancin' +f'r th' first time in his life. His childher are all grown up an' safe +in jail, he has four hundhred an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven are +a good manny in th' suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainy +day, out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher if +ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th' +first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'lar +ex-sultan.' + +"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, says I. +There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther all. What +opporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm a man that +niver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do annything he +wanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It doesn't make anny +diff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah iv Beloochistan, be +gorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that he can use it an' he'll +begin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan head tomorrah, two th' next +day, an' befure he's been on th' foorce or th' throne a year it'll be a +whack on th' chimbly befure he says 'How ar-re ye.' By an' by he'll get +so manny people afraid iv him that he'll be in danger and that'll make +him afraid iv thim, an' thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'ye +mind? Th' on'y man ye need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid iv +ye. An' that's what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thought +about it whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'd +find him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin she +come in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't put in +me application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be more of a +coward thin I am." + +"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' about?" said +Mr. Hennessy. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a cigar?" + + + + +VACATIONS + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm glad or +sorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here again in the +turmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis pleasant to see +th' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything happened since I wint away +on me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I much sunburnt?" + +"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye on'y last +night." + +"Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, but ye +didn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night it was. If +it was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont Morgan's yacht off th' +coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us settin' up on th' front stoop iv +th' boat. I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice, +an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eight +thirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed +into th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort." + +"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me mind not +to be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation whin a vacation +comes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me out to a summer +resort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it whiniver I feel like +it. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin ye're talkin' or business is +slack fr'm anny other reason, I throw a comb an' brush into a gripsack +an' hurry away to th' mountain or th' seashore. While ye think ye're +talkin' to me, at that very minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th' +Atlantic ocean or climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' to +mesilf. + +"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are overdue. +That's because they don't know how to take thim. They depind on +railroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about it. Long +afther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' fifteenth iv August, +they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. Nachrally they can't tear off +very far or they wudden't hear th' whistle whin it blew to call thim +back. F'r a week or two they spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyon +iv baggageman, atin' off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night. +Evenchooly th' time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble iv +th' city that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th' +counthry that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'r +Mudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin they +remimber that they left their tickets, money an' little Abigail Ann +behind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which doesn't stop at +Mudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, an' thin on'y on +signal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv th' city with its +sprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is left behind. Th' cool +counthry air blows into th' car laden with th' rich perfume iv dainty +food with which th' fireman is plyin' his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stops +occasion'lly. In fact ye might betther say that occasion'lly it don't +stop. A thrain that is goin' to anny iv th' penal colonies where most +men spind their vacations will stop at more places thin a boy on an +errand. Whiniver it sees a human habitation it will pause an' exchange a +few wurruds iv pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stop +at nawthin'. + +"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native land. Ye +make a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye didn't know +were on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' on'y place th' +thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye look into th' folder +an' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b says: 'Thrains two to +sixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' 'What is th' number iv +this here cannon-ball express?' says ye to th' conductor man. 'Number +twelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get off there?' says ye. 'How do ye +usually get off a movin' thrain?' says he. 'Forward or backward?' says +he. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' postal car an' get into a mail bag th' +clerk may hang ye on th' hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He made +three out iv tin last week,' he says. + +"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er thrunks an' +come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal who +calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife iv +wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisements +iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure she +gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down to +th' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin' +back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th' +theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv +her indisposition. + +"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well within me +means. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' thin th' thrade +iv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin he ast f'r a gin sour, +not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' me time away in th' Greek +islands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I don't have to carry anny +baggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. I'm not bothered be mosquitoes +or rain. In fact, it's on rainy days that I thravel most. I'm away most +iv th' time. I suppose me business suffers. But what care I? + +"In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky Mountains. In +th' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' West Indies or to +Monty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that iver beat Monty Carlo. I +plugged away at number siventeen an' it came up eighty-two times +runnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' money on th' fickle Countess de +Brie, but aisy came aisy go. Me disappointment was soon f'rgotten among +th' gayeties iv Algeers. I often go up th' Nile because it's handy to +th' Ar-rchey Road. I can get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go to +Newpoort, although it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. It +was simple thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because he +wore a hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready goold +bonnet that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an' +marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play tennis. +It has changed since. But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th' +older memberships iv th' stock exchange who cannot lave th' familyar +scenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an' gossip iv days +that ar-re no more. Faith, there's hardly a place that I don't spind me +summers. If I don't like a place I can move. I sail me yacht into +sthrange harbors. I take me private car wheriver I want to go. I hunt +an' I fish. Last year I wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made a +gr-reat catch--near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. An' +it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard. + +"Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at their +best. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to go there. +No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take ye'ersilf along +an' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv th' gr-reat comforts +iv my kind iv a vacation is that I always knows what's goin' on at home. +Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv vacation th' newspa-aper he gets was +printed just afther th' third inning iv th' baseball game th' day befure +yisterdah. Th' result is that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what's +happened. He doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago or +Pittsburg is at th' head iv th' league. + +"An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' sthrong +dhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do things that +make readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. Ivrything in th' pa-aper +inthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a cillybrated murdher thrile +blossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a cillybrated lawyer goin' to th' +cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' an increase in th' honoraryum iv his +cillybrated collague. Lawyers don't take money. What they get f'r their +public sarvices in deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in a +church. Ye don't give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peas +with the money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. But +whin things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested another +honoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum, +mainin' I need th' money. + +"Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How glad I am +to know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' tariff to a +level where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how cud I be happy +away fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum Taft was gettin' on +at goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that goes on at th' summer +capitol. I am glad to know that Charles played tennis fr'm ten to iliven +an' aftherward took a throlley car ride to Lynn, where he bought a pair +iv shoes an' a piece iv blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirely +recovered. But th' rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Me +fav'rite journal prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty. +Horrible rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied.' He's th' best goluf +player we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a shtroke +a stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be a scoore iv +wan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did so. + +"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd assimbled to see +th' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. He wore his club +unyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue shirt. His opponent, +th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' prisident was first off +th' tee with an excellent three while his opponent was almost hopelessly +bunkered in a camera. But he made a gallant recovery with a vaccuum +cleaner an' was aven with th' prisidint in four. Th' prisidint was +slightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin' +daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were in +th' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth +an' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was +first out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin' +at exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance iv +home on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. But +th' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv which wud be +th' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv th' sicrety iv +war. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to use a brassy in a +spirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was raaly a brillyant shot. +A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat in +golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruck +himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy, +took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th' +green. There was now nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash, +but always prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet to +bate th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that was +established be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance Union +in nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it to ye,' +an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His opponent was +obliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but still sound an' +meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated). + +"An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in touch with +what's goin' on." + +"What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they call it +rile an' ancient?" + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' prisidint iv +th' United States has just took it up." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley Says, by Finley Dunne + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14684 *** diff --git a/14684-h/14684-h.htm b/14684-h/14684-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f9da01 --- /dev/null +++ b/14684-h/14684-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3827 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st March 2004), see www.w3.org" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Dooley Says.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + } + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right;} /* page numbers */ + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; left: 12%; text-align: left;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14684 ***</div> + +<h1>Mr. DOOLEY SAYS</h1> +<p>BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR," "MR. DOOLEY +IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC.</p> +<p>NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2> +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p><a href="#Mr_DOOLEY_SAYS"><b>Mr. DOOLEY SAYS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#DIVORCE"><b>DIVORCE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#GLORY"><b>GLORY</b></a><br /> +<a href="#WOMAN_SUFFRAGE"><b>WOMAN SUFFRAGE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_BACHELOR_TAX"><b>THE BACHELOR TAX</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_RISING_OF_THE_SUBJECT_RACES"><b>THE RISING OF THE +SUBJECT RACES</b></a><br /> +<a href="#PANICS"><b>PANICS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#OCEAN_TRAVEL"><b>OCEAN TRAVEL</b></a><br /> +<a href="#WORK"><b>WORK</b></a><br /> +<a href="#DRUGS"><b>DRUGS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#A_BROKEN_FRIENDSHIP"><b>A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_ARMY_CANTEEN"><b>THE ARMY CANTEEN</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THINGS_SPIRITUAL"><b>THINGS SPIRITUAL</b></a><br /> +<a href="#BOOKS"><b>BOOKS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_TARIFF"><b>THE TARIFF</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_BIG_FINE"><b>THE BIG FINE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#EXPERT_TESTIMONY"><b>EXPERT TESTIMONY</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_CALL_OF_THE_WILD"><b>THE CALL OF THE +WILD</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_JAPANESE_SCARE"><b>THE JAPANESE SCARE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#HAGUE_CONFERENCE"><b>THE HAGUE CONFERENCE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#TURKISH_POLITICS"><b>TURKISH POLITICS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#VACATIONS"><b>VACATIONS</b></a><br /></p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Mr_DOOLEY_SAYS" id="Mr_DOOLEY_SAYS"></a>Mr. DOOLEY +SAYS</h2> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DIVORCE" id="DIVORCE"></a>DIVORCE</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a +Divoorce Congress."</p> +<p>"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y +luxury supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up +here whin a marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r +thim to go on livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel +that way some mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim +still glarin' at each other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver +laves her husband while he has th' breath iv life in him, an' anny +gintleman that took a thrip to Reno in ordher to saw off th' +housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud find throuble ready +f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No, sir, whin our +people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river. There's +on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize, an' +that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall +bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a +timprary husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv +July an' dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' +customs iv th' neighbors are agin it.</p> +<p>"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan +Avnoo marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid +life an' an onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' +on with th' new an' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says +th' preacher. 'Or th' jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride.</p> +<p>"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was +assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. +It's a tur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan +State on'y to be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses +th' border. There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's +almost impossible f'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has +a good raison. There's no regularity at all about it. In Kentucky +baldness is grounds f'r divoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' +weather. In Illinye a woman can be freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv +mathrimony because her husband wears Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin +th' old man can get his maiden name back because his wife tells +fortunes in th' taycup.</p> +<p>"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to +wipe his boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South +Dakota. Ye can be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge +th' complaint. Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because +wan iv th' parties dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't +dhrink an' th' other does, because they both dhrink, because th' +wife is addicted to sick headaches, because he asked her what she +did with that last $10 he give her, because he knows some wan else, +because she injyes th' society iv th' young, because he f'rgot to +wind th' clock. A husband can get a divoorce because he has more +money thin he had; a wife because he has less. Ye can always get a +divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibility iv temper. That's +whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' same time. Ye'd call +it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy.</p> +<p>"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A +man that wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' +do a tour iv our gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly +released he may want to do it all over agin with th' second choice +iv his wild, glad heart.</p> +<p>"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws +ought to be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv +ours it shud be th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with +alimony, simply be goin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' +an affydavit that th' lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his +taste. Be Hivens, I'd go farther. Rather than have people endure +this sarvichood I'd let anny man escape be jumpin' th' conthract. +All he'd have to do if I was r-runnin' this Governmint wud be to +put some clothes in th' grip, write a note to his wife that afther +thinkin' it over f'r forty years he had made up his mind that his +warm nature was not suited to marredge with th' mother iv so manny +iv his childher, an' go out to return no more.</p> +<p>"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' +what I r-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this +land onhappily mated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if +they had a sliver in their thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows +iv these people ar-re beyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' +jooty iv th' law to marcifully release thim.</p> +<p>"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' +about th' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me +eyes filled with tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he +marrid. He was a fireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his +etarnal affection was th' daughter iv th' most popylar saloon +keeper in town. A gr-reat socyal gulf opened between thim. He had +fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein' promoted to two-fifty a day, but +she was heiress to a cellar full iv Monongahela rye an' a pool +table, an' her parents objicted, because iv th' diffrence in their +positions. But love such as his is not to be denied. Th' bold +suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid.</p> +<p>"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r +twinty years an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who +expect to be supported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, +spurred on be th' desire to make good with his queen, slugged, +cheated, an' wurruked his way to th' head iv th' railroad. He was +no longer Greasy Bill, th' Oil Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' +Prince iv Industhree. All th' diff'rent kinds iv money he iver +heerd iv rolled into him, large money an' small, other people's +money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'd wished f'r. Whin he +set in his office countin' it he often left a call f'r six o'clock +f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th' roundhouse on +time.</p> +<p>"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf +as though he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring +saw him on a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. +He was received with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city +that knew the combynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides +be his fellow Kings iv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv +honor at a modest but tasteful dinner, where there was a large +artificyal lake iv champagne into which th' comp'ny cud dive. In +th' on'y part iv New York ye iver read about—ar-re there no +churches or homes in New York, but on'y hotels, night resthrants, +an' poolrooms?—in th' on'y part iv New York ye read about he +cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cud fall on his +bald but youthful head.</p> +<p>"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is +painful to say that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life +had not kept pace with him. She had taught him to r-read, but he +had gone on an' taken what Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. +Women get all their book larnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd +been pretty active about th' childher while he was pickin' up more +iddycation in th' way iv business thin she'd iver dhream iv +knowin'. She had th' latest news about th' throuble in th' +Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into his office.</p> +<p>"A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to +read about, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to +tell ye that th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he +use to whistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. +It's no aisy thing to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate +th' hair with another. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper +classes in New York she was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their +tastes was decidedly dissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he +carrid th' wash pitcher down to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, +while she dandled th' baby an' fried th' round steak at th' same +time. That day was past. She hadn't got to th' pint where she cud +dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv her nose. Th' passin' years had +impaired all possible foundations f'r a new crop iv hair. Sometimes +conversation lagged.</p> +<p>"Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successful +exthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. +Gough. She got her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was +there f'r this joynt intelleck an' this household tyrant to talk +about? No wondher he pined. Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin +bein' compelled to set down ivry month or two an' chat about a new +tooth that Hiven had just sint to a fam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was +that all. She give him no rest. Time an' time again she asked him +was he comin' home that night. She tortured his proud spirit be +recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th' window iv th' +room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so far as to dhraw +on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives—their tears. +One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seen her. +Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim this +gr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise +whin he didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin +th' Gr-reat Fi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' +Judge to sthrike off th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a +divoorce.</p> +<p>"I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things," said +Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Oh, I know ye don't agree with me," said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether +does th' parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's +marrid he's marrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand +in th' grab-bag an' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money +back.</p> +<p>"'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye +talkin' about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two +people in th' wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was +there iver a frindship that was annything more thin a kind iv +suspension bridge between quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv +life,' says he, 'we leap fr'm scrap to scrap,' he says. 'I'm wan iv +th' best-timpered men in th' wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not,' says +I.) I'm wan iv th' kindest iv mortals,' he says, 'but put me in th' +same house with Saint Jerome,' he says, 'an' there'd be at laste +wan day in th' month whin I'd answer his last wurrd be slammin' th' +dure behind me,' he says. 'Man is nachrally a fightin' an +quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don't always turn +away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse,' he says. 'Th' throuble +about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wan +that made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, +I'd niver let th' sun go down on a quarrel,' he says. 'But if ye +had a bad mouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' +partnership because ye'ar a cantankerous old villain that no wan +cud get on with,' he says. 'If people knew they cudden't get away +fr'm each other they'd settle down to life, just as I detarmined to +like coal smoke whin I found th' collection wasn't big enough to +put a new chimbley in th' parish house. I've acchally got to like +it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition iv human life that's not +endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've got to endure it,' he +says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this, that whin a +rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved over +breakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, +an' he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that +afthernoon they're in their lawyers' office,' he says. 'But whin a +poor gintleman an' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her +anger into rubbin' th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor +gintleman aises his be murdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be +th' time night comes ar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to +go home annyhow, an' it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm +misjudged, an' he puts a pound iv candy into his coat pocket an' +goes home an' finds her standin' at th' dure with a white apron on +an' some new ruching ar-round her neck,' he says.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions."</p> +<p>"I see on'y wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly +think?"</p> +<p>"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced +I'd let thim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' +childher. They'd larn thim to behave."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="GLORY" id="GLORY"></a>GLORY</h2> +<p>"Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more +scandal talked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld."</p> +<p>"Hogan had betther keep quiet," said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goes +circulatin' anny stories about me I'll—"</p> +<p>"Ye needn't worry," said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to +talk about annywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' +subjick iv our scand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a +repytation. No, sir, our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' +illusthrees an' it ran all th' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses +Grant.</p> +<p>"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody +knows about me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm +pollyticks whin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. +If I'd let it go a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest +iv me life an' some years afther me death.</p> +<p>"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' +foolish. 'Twas th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint +by: 'There goes Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' +have thim name babies, sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' +five-cent seegars afther me, an' whin I died to have it put in th' +books that 'at this critical peeryod in th' history of America +there was need iv a man who combined strenth iv charackter with +love iv counthry. Such a man was found in Martin Dooley, a +prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.'</p> +<p>"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I +had, 'tis little attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what +Hogan calls bi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though +they mintioned th' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted +fatherland, they'd make th' more intherestin' story about th' time +I almost met it be fallin' down stairs while runnin' away fr'm a +polisman. F'r wan page they'd print about me love iv counthry, +they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink.</p> +<p>"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in +Byrnes's book. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a +lockstep down in Joliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a +robber in his old age. He busted into churches, fooled ar-round +with other men's wives, curled his hair with a poker an' smelled iv +perfumery like a Saturday night car. An' his wife was a suspicyous +charackter an' he turned her away.</p> +<p>"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven +f'r thim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no +betther than she shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. +Willum Shakespeare is well known as an author of plays that no wan +can play, but he was betther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad +actor, an' a thief. His wife was a common scold an' led him th' +life he desarved. They niver leave th' ladies out iv these stories +iv th' gr-reat. A woman that marries a janius has a fine chance iv +her false hair becomin' more immortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It +don't make anny difference if all she knew about her marital hero +was that he was a consistent feeder, a sleepy husband, an' +indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf, an' that she +had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men had something th' +matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton, who was +th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childless hersilf, +was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawl +ar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan +says she had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all +his frinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was +a case. I wish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A +gr-reat moral rellijous counthry like this desarves a betther +parent.</p> +<p>"They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote +good songs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan +thinks iv him as havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal +iv his parish. I remimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked +th' British at Noo Orleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but +Hogan remimbers him as a man that cudden't spell an' had a wife who +smoked a corncob pipe. I remimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' +slaves, but Hogan remimbers how he used to cut loose yarns that +made th' bartinder shake th' stove harder thin it needed. I +remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shiloh whin he was young, +but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound New York whin he +was old.</p> +<p>"An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out +to write a bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war +departmint or th' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' +bureau dhrawers, old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, +an' th' recollections iv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther +thin annything else. He don't care much f'r th' kind beginning: +'Dear wife, I'm settin' in front iv th' camp fire wearin' th' +flannel chest protector ye made me, an' dhreamin' iv ye,' but if he +can find wan beginnin': 'Little Bright Eyes: Th' old woman has gone +to th' counthry,' he's th' happiest bi-ographer ye cud see in a +month's thravel.</p> +<p>"Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas +written by a frind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or +another. 'At this time,' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was +destined to change th' whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, +while in a sthreet car, where he lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke +to see a beautiful woman thryin' to find a nickel in a powder puff. +Th' brutal conductor towered over her, an' it was more thin th' +Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with an oath, he pulled th' +rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car.</p> +<p>"Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no +doubt he often thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, +although he niver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' +dinin'-room at th' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but +th' fair vision iv th' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked +him up, an' there began a frindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness +to both iv thim. He seldom mintioned her, but wan night he was +heard to mutter: 'Her face is like wan iv Rembrand's saints.' A few +historyans contind that what he said was: 'Her face looks like a +remnant sale,' but I cannot believe this.</p> +<p>"They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil +th' enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been +able to find anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv +wan iv his faithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. +(Love an' Letters iv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; +Stolen, Collected an' Edited be James Snooper.) * * * Next year was +mim'rable f'r his gloryous victhry at Punkheim, all th' more +wondherful because at th' time our hero was sufferin' fr'm +deleeryyum thremens.</p> +<p>"It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as +gr-reat a liar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that +with th' cheers iv his sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still +write home to his wife: 'Ol' girl—I can't find annything fit +to dhrink down here. Can't ye sind me some cider fr'm th' farm.' * +* * In 1865 he was accused iv embezzlemint, but th' charges niver +reached his ears or th' public's ontil eight years afther his +death. * * * In 67' his foster brother, that he had neglected in +Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an' broke his leg. * * * +In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fifty years. They +were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly iv fourteen +childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'r some +reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, one +of th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further +details iv th' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' +volume.' It seems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called +bi-ography is a kind iv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan +side, an' bi-ography comes along an' makes it rowl over an' lie on +th' other side. Th' historyan says, go up; th' bi-ographer says, +come down among us. I don't believe ayether iv thim.</p> +<p>"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. +'Were they all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think +so gloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye +mustn't believe all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' +says he. 'It's a thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat +an' sthrong. Th' hero sthruts through histhry with his chin up in +th' air, his scipter in his hand an' his crown on his head. But +behind him dances a boot-black imitatin' his walk an' makin' faces +at him. Fame invites a man out iv his house to be crowned f'r his +gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a warrant f'r batin' his wife. +'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it shudden't be so. We'd all +perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv th' wurruld didn't have +nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen to possess thim, we +make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over us. Wan way or +another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we can't reach +th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feel aisier +about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' it +stimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in +hand 'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seein' our pitchers +in th' pa-apers.'</p> +<p>"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, +th' people ye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step +iv ye'er youth, all go thundherin' down to immortality together. +An' afther all, isn't it a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care +about is th' one Mulligan th' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I +like Mulligan's style, f'r he's no flatthrer, an' he has wan model +iv bi-ography that he uses f'r old an' young, rich an' poor. He +merely writes something to th' gin'ral effect that th' deceased was +a wondher, an' lets it go at that."</p> +<p>"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. +Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough +to buy off all threatenin' bi-ographers."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WOMAN_SUFFRAGE" id="WOMAN_SUFFRAGE"></a>WOMAN +SUFFRAGE</h2> +<p>"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in +their might an' demanded a vote."</p> +<p>"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"A vote," said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they +do?"</p> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv +thim gathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or +naytional dormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore +proclaimed that a debate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English +gintlemen to marry their deceased wife's sisters befure th' +autopsy. In th' great hall iv Rufus some iv th' mightiest male +intellecks in Britain slept undher their hats while an impassioned +orator delivered a hem-stitched speech on th' subject iv th' day to +th' attintive knees an' feet iv th' ministhry. It was into this +here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen iv Europe that ye see on ye'er +way to France that th' furyous females attimpted to enter. +Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rude jeers iv th' +multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th' idifice. +There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim. 'What +d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' says +th' commander iv th' army iv freedom.</p> +<p>"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate +battle followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv +'Brute,' 'Monster,' 'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins +were dhrawn. Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin +th' rest, done a fit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered +insane be sufferin' f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a +Japanese fan on th' little finger iv th' right hand. Thin th' +infuryated officers iv th' law charged on th' champeens iv liberty. +A scene iv horror followed. Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' +led thim down th' stairs; others were carried out fainting by th' +tyrants. In a few minyits all was over, an' nawthin' but three +hundhred hairpins remained to mark th' scene iv slaughter. Thus, +Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedom fought an' lost."</p> +<p>"It sarves thim right," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at +home tindin' th' babies."</p> +<p>"A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry +man. P'raps they havn't got any babies. A baby is a good +substichoot f'r a ballot, an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom +has time f'r anny other luxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, +says I. What have they done to injye this impeeryal suffrage that +we fought an' bled f'r? Whin me forefathers were followin' George +Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th' hardships that men endure campin' +out in vacation time, what were th' women doin'? They were back in +Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin' socks, followin' th' plow, +plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses, an' pursooin' th' +other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect. Afther th' war +our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'r their +devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrim +fathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on their +property. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we +won.</p> +<p>"Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy +job that anny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a +sthrong man's with a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that +requires what Hogan calls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin +votin'. It's th' hardest wurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure +daylight an' thramp over to th' Timple iv Freedom, which is also +th' office iv a livery stable. Wan iv th' judges has a cold in his +head an' closes all th' windows. Another judge has built a roarin' +fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hots on it. Th' room is +lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowded with pathrites +who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or three polismen that +maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don't know +annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polisman +in his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call +thim, th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' +best seegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy.</p> +<p>"In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls +glows an' puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' +sanchoo-ary iv Liberty comes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment +made iv carbolic acid, pours it into a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' +domestic attindants iv th' guests iv th' house walks through fr'm +makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chief judge, who knows me well, +because he shaves me three times a week, gives me a contimchous +stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lous questions about +me age.</p> +<p>"I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman +movin' nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. +They're all occypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled +voices f'r somewan to light th' candle so they'll be sure they +ain't votin' th' prohybition ticket. Th' calico sheets over th' +front iv th' booths wave an' ar-re pushed out like th' curtains iv +a Pullman car whin a fat man is dhressin' inside while th' thrain +is goin' r-round a curve. In time a freeman bursts through, with +perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurls his suffrage at th' judge +an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inch iv lead pencil be +rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th' top iv th' +dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life.</p> +<p>"Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' +fair. It's men's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she +cud bound Kamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't +qualified f'r it. It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites +like Mulkowsky th' Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet +that he ain't votin' f'r th' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still +over there pretindin' to be a horse instead iv a free American +givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge.</p> +<p>"On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' +April a man goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him +down th' sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He +don't mind inhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if +Molly Donahue wint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing +she'd do wud be to get a broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' +windows, disinfect th' booths, take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' +hang up a pitcher iv Niagary be moonlight, chase out th' watchers +an' polis, remove th' seegars, make th' judges get a shave, an' +p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no job f'r her, an' I told her +so.</p> +<p>"'We demand a vote,' says she. 'All right,' says I, 'take mine. +It's old, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little +th' worse f'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in +this counthry f'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' +use it as ye please,' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry +sleep iliction day mornin',' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired +iv it annyhow,' says I. 'But,' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young +an' beautiful as ye want to do annything so foolish as to vote?' +says I. 'Ain't we intilligent enough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too +intilligent,' says I. 'But intilligence don't give ye a vote.'</p> +<p>"'What does, thin,' says she. 'Well,' says I, 'enough iv ye at +wan time wantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er +Woman's Rights Club?' 'Twinty,' says she. 'Make it three hundher,' +says I, 'an' ye'll be on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, +does she? No, nor ye'er sister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor +ye'er aunt? All that iliction day means to thim is th' old man +goin' off in th' mornin' with a light step an' fire in his eye, an' +comin' home too late at night with a dent in his hat, news-boys +hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-four votes had been +cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8 o'clock, an' +Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'r th' +bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote, +they'll vote. Ye bet they will.'</p> +<p>"'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' +on'y th' king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an +Indyan. Th' king clapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' +polls, marked a cross at th' head iv th' column where his name was, +an' wint out to cheer th' returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' +says they: Votin' seems a healthy exercise an' we'd like to thry +it. Give us th' franchise or we'll do things to ye. An' they got +it. Thin it wint down through th' earls an' th' markises an' th' +rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'lly all that was left iv it was +flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy, because they made a lot +iv noise an' threatened to set fire to th' barns.'</p> +<p>"'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r +it. No wan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same +token, there ar-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep +ye fr'm gettin'. Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right +coorse, on'y there ain't enough iv thim. If there were forty +thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hat pins an' prepared to plunge th' +same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies iv female suffrage, an' if, +instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th' constablry, they charged +an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th' House iv Commons, +an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th' hat over th' +eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure some mimber +wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrage +club was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't +be long befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate +creams f'r ye'er vote.'</p> +<p>"'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this +in th' pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women +invaded th' capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They +chased th' polis acrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was +agin th' bill, an' tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv +th' opposition. At 10 o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud +veto th' bill, an' instantly a huge crowd iv excited females +gathered in front of the White House, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' +'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelled whin th' Prisident's wife +appeared on th' balcony an' made a brief speech. She said she was a +mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' she felt safe in assuring +her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. If nicissry, she wud sign +it hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a little onruly, but he was +frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th' aujeence wud +undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his tantrums. A +little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. At prisint +th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughter settin' +on his head.</p> +<p>"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob +proceeded down Pinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' +capital were jammed. Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be +th' hair iv th' head an' made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote +right. Immejately afther th' prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop +iv Matsachoosetts offered th' suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' +motion is out iv ordher,' began th' Speaker. At this minyit a lady +standin' behind th' chair dhrove a darning needle through his coat +tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker, reachin' behind him with an +agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it go annyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I +protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong, 'I protest—' At +this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th' gall'ries. +Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, hand mirrors, +fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber. In +the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud be +seen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to +come home to-night, polthroon.'</p> +<p>"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his +face livid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was +on'y about to say I second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried +without a dissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it +was opposed be Jeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' +leader iv th' suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly +insthructed th' clerk to cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. +To-night in th' prisince iv a vast multichood th' Prisident was led +out be his wife. He was supported, or rather pushed, be two iv his +burly daughters. He seemed much confused, an' his wife had to point +out th' place where he was to sign. With tremblin' fingers he +affixed his signature an' was led back.</p> +<p>"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all +avenin' with good-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' +dry goods stores, which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was +almost impossible to get through. Iv coorse there were th' usual +riochous scenes in th' dhrug stores, where th' bibulous gathered at +th' sody-wather counthers an' cillybrated th' victory in lemon, +vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thim keepin' it up till 9 o'clock, +or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about, me child,' says I, 'ye may +sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary, f'r ye'll have as much +right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th' ward. But don't ask +f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan give thim to ye. A +right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th' matther +with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned inside +out,' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, +though to tell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan +did. Some time some fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or +betther still, th' other fellows', f'r th' right to vote.'"</p> +<p>"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. +Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't +care. What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a +little soap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to +pollyticks. It wudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be +illicted to office onless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his +boots an' shaved his chin wanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I +care not who casts th' votes iv me counthry so long as we can hold +th' offices. An' there's on'y wan way to keep the women out iv +office, an' that's to give thim a vote."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BACHELOR_TAX" id="THE_BACHELOR_TAX"></a>THE +BACHELOR TAX</h2> +<p>"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' +to put a tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a +tax on bachelors? There's one on dogs."</p> +<p>"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it +five dollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession +to us. They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow +more thin twice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year +to see me throttin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on +me neck. If me tax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' +th' bachelor catcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll +be kept there three days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be +dhrowned onless th' pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver +see it, me boy. No, Sir. Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men +polytickally, as well as handsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us +we'll fight ye to th' end. If worst comes to worst we won't pay th' +tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyit that light-footed heroes that have +been eludin' onprincipled females all their lives won't be able to +dodge a little thing like a five-dollar tax. There's no clumsy +collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with a man iv me age who +has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r forty years an' +remains unmarrid.</p> +<p>"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' +Constitution an' about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' +highest jooty iv citizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give +a vote to th' shad? Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports +th' Naytional Governmint be payin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo +jooties, who maintains th' schools ye sind ye'er ignorant little +childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses, who does th' fightin' +f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marrid men start all th' +wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whin war is +declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be if they +niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid again +an' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' their +widow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' their +rilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live +on afther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken +iron in his stomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension +come fr'm th' Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over +here an' stick a sthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close +down me shop an' go out somewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose +me leg defindin' th' hearths iv me counthry, me that niver had a +hearth iv me own to warm me toes by but th' oil stove in me +bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd be wantin' to tax like a +pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain!</p> +<p>"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' +bachelors ye tax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer +lookin' lot iv fellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're +bachelors. 'Tis with us as with th' ladies. A lady with an erratic +face is sure to be marrid befure a Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to +wurruk right away an' what Hogan calls th' doctrine iv av'rages is +always with thim that starts early an' makes manny plays. But th' +Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an' take her pick +an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes up with a +scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a man +down fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young +woman have I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large +fam'ly whin her frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' +most beautiful woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds +waitin' f'r some wan to take her buggy ridin'.</p> +<p>"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan +had thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is +old enough to vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan +calls th' graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is +very plain but has a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't +an' didn't always keep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld +cud see he'd be lynched be th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. +But 'tis diff'rent with us comely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, +we can afford to be haughty an' peevish. It makes us more +inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with a gentle but supeeryor +eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice, pretty atthractive +girl. I hope she'll marry well.' By an' by whin th' roses fade fr'm +our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th' inivitable, +run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th' multichood +iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlight +pitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all.</p> +<p>"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' +landscape. Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints +iv th' tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all +bachelors. What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest +neckties in th' front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier +iris, as Hogan says, th' burnished bachelor? See th' lordly +bachelor comin' down th' sthreet, with his shiny plug hat an' his +white vest, th' dimon stud that he wint in debt f'r glistenin' in +his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoes on his feet +out-shinin' th' noonday sun.</p> +<p>"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' +his tie undher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his +gaiters in a way that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver +wore a pair iv darned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in +me hosiery I throw thim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that +men are onhappy because they have no wan to darn their socks an' +put buttons on their shirts. Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy +because his socks ar-re not darned but because they ar-re. An' as +f'r buttons on his shirt, whin th' buttons comes off a bachelor's +shirt he fires it out iv th' window. His rule about clothes is +thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit, d'ye mind. Th' others +to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th' plumage iv a +bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets her buy his +cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes to him +which he smokes.</p> +<p>"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral +side iv it. What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. +We're th' most onselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles +iv th' neighborhood ar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me +own. If ye shed a tear f'r anny person but wan ye lose ye'er +latch-key, but havin' no wan in partiklar to sympathize with I'm +supposed to sympathize with ivry wan. On th' conthry if ye have +anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th' overburdened +shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I must bear thim +alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say: 'Oh, +he's a gay dog. Sarves him right.' An' if he goes on complainin' +he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes +to ye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes +cryin', an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick +th' widow O'Brien on me.</p> +<p>"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid +home without th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' +chair or in th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I +live in gr-reat luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' +manny things that it can't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on +th' flure an' chandyleers hang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at +night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry wine, port wine, champagne, beer, +whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weiss beer, cream de mint, curaso, an' +binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhraw at an opeem pipe an' +r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman's hand wudden't +help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away, th' +beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business broke +into th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ile +paintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off +a frame that cost me two dollars iv good money.' If they knew that +th' on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a +thrunk an' that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me +clothes, an' that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's +now a life-size plaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at +th' end iv a chain.</p> +<p>"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran +that's escaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult +position with honor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so +dangerous as whin she's sorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' +rises to her lips an' th' nurse light comes into her eyes, I know +'tis time f'r me to take me hat an' go. An' if th' hat's not handy +I go without it.</p> +<p>"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear +ladies. But I say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on +ye'er best frinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us +bachelors have saved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we +th' hope iv th' future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' +onmarrid ladies ar-re to marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, +they must look forward to. We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're +bachelors because we can't make a choice. Ye all look so lovely to +us that we hate to bring th' tears into th' eyes iv others iv ye be +marryin' some iv ye. Considher our onforchnit position an' be kind. +Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'r slaves. Don't thry to +coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. If ye tax us there's +hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't fling his five +dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th' +expense.'"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_RISING_OF_THE_SUBJECT_RACES" id= +"THE_RISING_OF_THE_SUBJECT_RACES"></a>THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT +RACES</h2> +<p>"Ye'er frind Simpson was in here awhile ago," said Mr. Dooley, +"an' he was that mad."</p> +<p>"What ailed him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "it seems he wint into me frind Hip +Lung's laundhry to get his shirt an' it wasn't ready. Followin' +what Hogan calls immemoryal usage, he called Hip Lung such names as +he cud remimber and thried to dhrag him around th' place be his +shinin' braid. But instead iv askin' f'r mercy, as he ought to, Hip +Lung swung a flat-iron on him an' thin ironed out his spine as he +galloped up th' stairs. He come to me f'r advice an' I advised him +to see th' American consul. Who's th' American consul in Chicago +now? I don't know. But Hogan, who was here at th' time, grabs him +be th' hand an' says he: 'I congratulate ye, me boy,' he says. 'Ye +have a chance to be wan iv th' first martyrs iv th' white race in +th' gr-reat sthruggle that's comin' between thim an' th' smoked or +tinted races iv th' wurruld,' he says. 'Ye'll be another Jawn +Brown's body or Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Go back an' let th' Chink kill +ye an' cinchries hence people will come with wreathes and ate +hard-biled eggs on ye'er grave,' he says.</p> +<p>"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was +a retail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, +though he got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' +sthreet an' he thought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. +So he wint away.</p> +<p>"Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us +blondes since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' +gr-reatest prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that +foresees throuble. No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that +prophesized pleasant days. A successful weather prophet is wan that +predicts thunder storms, hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good +financial prophet is wan that predicts panics; a pollytickal +prophet must look into th' tea leaves an' see th' institutions iv +th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling not to say grinnin', +fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's laid waste with +fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'm onhappy about +to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyest man in +th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' to +happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy +to-day because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is +goin' to be. Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic +next Saturdah.' Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic.'</p> +<p>"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. +He cudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv +wan through three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' +most blindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He's +predicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand +that haven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United +States navy wud be so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young +fellow to row his girl in Union Park. He can see a war cloud where +I can't see annything but somebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' +his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reat foreign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r +th' job f'r he's best late at night.</p> +<p>"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' +wurruld to rejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' +us black and blue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in +thim eggs or I'll throw ye in th' fire. 'Yassir,' says Sam. +'Comin',' he says. 'Twas: 'Wow Chow, while ye'er idly stewin' me +cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaid bills.' I wud feel repaid be a +kick,' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'Maharajah Sewar, swing th' fan +swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip.' 'Higgins +Sahib,' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawd an' +Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. +My blood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. +'Twas thine old man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle +up f'r eighty days. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's +flesh cooked f'r breakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' +ye?'</p> +<p>"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans +were starved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has +passed around an' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' +up. He says they have aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates +ours be miles. They have no wires or poles or wathered stock but +th' population is so thick that whin they want to sind wurrud along +th' line all they have to do is f'r wan man to nudge another an' +something happens in Northern Chiny is known in Southern Indya +befure sunset. And so it passed through th' undherwurruld that th' +color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an' Hogan says that +almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin' through a +window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in a basement +instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'll be +settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' +watchin' ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' +wondhrn' whin th' lynchin' party'll arrive.</p> +<p>"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so +much in thim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan +thin I have iv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty +cow. I have often leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' +his cow. Sometimes I wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good +an' large a cow as that shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. +But if Dorgan's cow shud stand up on her hind legs, kick over the +bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th' lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab +hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin shootin' at me, I wudden't be more +surprised thin I am at th' idee iv Japan bein' wan iv th' nations +iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th' subjick races got to kick +about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to thim. We sint thim +missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their relligyon an' +nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin' people like +betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny means +where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an' excitin' +locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that cud +pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd +yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what +was wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose +to th' dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No +Chinyman cud fail to be pleased at seem' a tall Englishman hittin' +th' Chinyman's grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint +explorers up th' Nile who raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into +th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a fact that th' naygurs had known +f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces that he has changed th' +names iv these wather-coorses to Smith, Blifkins an' Winkinson. He +wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he iver ate a native alive. +But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a counthry an' Sir Alfred +is no viggytaryan.</p> +<p>"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've +done so much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with +war. Th' Chinese won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' +missionaries out iv their cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a +chance to carry away their piannies or their silverware. There's +th' divvle to pay all along th' levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, +accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel onaisy. Th' first thing we know +all th' other subjick races will be up. Th' horses will kick an' +bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we lick thim, th' +fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will set fire +to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against th' +white man.</p> +<p>"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y +funny whin it's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped +laughin' at Jap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' +I'm gettin' over that feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' +so scared as whin something he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns +on him. If a fellow man hits him he hits him back. But if a dog +bites him he yells 'mad dog' an' him an' th' neighbors pound th' +dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygurs down South iver got +together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no more coon songs f'r +awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it out iv us an' +we ar-re about th' same as th' rest."</p> +<p>"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at +us together?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp +us."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to +speak more acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been +infeeryor too long to change. It's got to be a habit with +thim."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="PANICS" id="PANICS"></a>PANICS</h2> +<p>"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim +impechuse prooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv +fi-nance, cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are +ye not? I see be th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have +been a brave man; ye have had faith in th' future iv our counthry; +ye have perceived that our financial institutions are sound if they +are nawthin' else. Ye undherstand that it's upon th' +self-resthraint iv men like th' likes iv ye that th' whole credit +iv th' nation depinds. I read it in the pa-apers an' 'tis thrue. +Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'y way ye or me cud +rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be be means iv a +brace an' bit.</p> +<p>"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to +George B. Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. +Rockyfellar, th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' +clearing out comity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that +have stood firmly with their backs to th' wall an' declared that +anny money taken out iv their institutions wud be taken over their +dead bodies. They have behaved as American gintlemen shud behave +whin foorce iv circumstances compels thim to behave that way. But +if, in this tur-rible imergency I am obliged to tell th' truth, +I've got to confess to ye that th' thanks iv th' nation, a little +bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boys that niver had a +cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They have disturbed none iv +our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance has turned green to +see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life through a closed +payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv a hammer +can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther a pearl +necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, has +throubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' +other mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall +Sthreet an' though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan +continyal panic I felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye +go by with ye'er shovel on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. +I wanted to rush to th' tillygraft office and wire me frind J. +Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be downcast. It's all right. I just see +Hinnissy go by with his shovel.'</p> +<p>"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that +causes panics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' +money. Th' top iv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard +times is good times. Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his +shouldher dodgin' eight thousand autymobills I begin to think 'tis +time to put me money in me boot."</p> +<p>"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. +Hennessy. "What does it all mean?"</p> +<p>"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. +Dooley. 'Tis what is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r +the sake iv argymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r +th' sake iv argymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you +wudden't be at anny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' +shoes. But supposin' fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye +get two dollars a day f'r makin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye +take part of ye'er ill-gotten gains an' leave it with me f'r +dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' money over to th' shoe store an' +buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th' fellow at th' shoe store +puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss. Ye'er boss sees ye're +dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv things th' distillery +business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to a distiller. +Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an' havin' +fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I owe +th' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money +f'r th' shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He +goes over to th' bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in +a window. An' there ye are. That's credit.</p> +<p>"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan +th' banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though +an earthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory +an' a jail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks +as solid as though th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv +him. See him with his goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl +buttons iv his vest. He niver give me much more thin a nod out iv +th' north-east corner iv his left eyebrow, but he was always very +kind an' polite to Mulligan, th' little tailor. Except that I +thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r me an' none at all f'r +Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on a corner near th' +bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'rite journal in +wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is a coward,' says +Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys public confidence,' +says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv his life,' says +I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,' says I. +'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th' likes +iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I. +'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's as +sthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it +up,' says he. An' he wint.</p> +<p>"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. +Panics an' circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv +th' poor. An' a time iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't +too much. A little while ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper +annything about th' fellow that had his money in th' bank anny more +thin ye'd read about th' spectators at a prize fight. 'Twas all +what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'. 'Who's that man with th' +plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin' joint?' 'That's th' +prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's that shakin' dice at +th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrust comp'ny.' An' so +it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal to th' good sense +iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, but it might +just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here, Mulligan, +me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther. It's +got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our heads +but a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash or +on-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher +th' situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' +pathritism, th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' +face iv great danger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' +hole. Regards to Mrs. Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't +answer in person (signed) Jawn D. Rockyfellar.'</p> +<p>"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble +be havin' money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second +place. Mulligan will settle it all be carryin' his money back to +th' bank where money belongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, +me boy. Cheer up. 'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or +some time. 'Tis wan good thing about this here wurruld, that +nawthin' lasts long enough to hurt. I have been through manny a +panic. I cud handle wan as well as Morgan. Panics cause thimsilves +an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do I blame for this wan? Grogan +blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blames Mulligan; to-morrah he +won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will be over. I blame no +wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, be brave, be ca'm +an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy in th' wurruld, +an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him to shovel, we'll +be all right, or pretty near all right.</p> +<p>"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked +Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick +just as it jumped off th' roof."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="OCEAN_TRAVEL" id="OCEAN_TRAVEL"></a>OCEAN TRAVEL</h2> +<p>"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come +acrost th' Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord +at Liverpool on Saturday were in New York Friday afthernoon."</p> +<p>"But that's more thin four days."</p> +<p>"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out +th' way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt +limited has broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York +(Harrisburg) to Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours.' But with a +steamboat 'tis different. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' +what's left is th' v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean +greyhound or levithin iv th' seas has broken all records iv +transatlantic passages except thim made be th' Germans. She has +thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th' coast iv Ireland +that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook lightship) in four or +five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves.' So if ye've anny +frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim did they +swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If they +didn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it +takes to cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' +house to boordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on +th' time ye go to bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over +on a five-day boat has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his +wife what he did with th' other two days. No record iv +thransatlantic thravel takes into account th' longest, roughest an' +most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is through th' New York +custom house.</p> +<p>"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud +cross th' Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy +to think iv him crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row +iv office buildings. Th' grand times they must've had. Time was +whin a man got on a boat an' was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, +be hivens, through th' wondhers iv modhern science he's hardly +settled down to a cigar an' a game iv pinochle with another +fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy comes down th' +deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad tidings +fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his +furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' +other hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' +levithin. Just as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a +desert island or floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an +undershirt she picks up th' pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' +ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His +attintions to a widow from Omaha are most marked. They make a +handsome couple.'</p> +<p>"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new +boat. In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left +Liverpool and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. +Now ye r-read iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie +in th' billyard tournymint was played off last night. Th' +resthrants are crowded nightly an' great throngs are seen in Main +Sthreet undher th' brilliant illuminations. Th' public gardens are +in full bloom an' are much frequented be childher rollin' hoops and +sailin' boats in th' artificial lake. Th' autymobill speedway gives +gr-reat satisfaction. Th' opening day iv th' steeplechase races was +a success. Th' ilivator in th' left annex fell thirteen stories +Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th' brokerage house iv Conem an' +Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiver to-day. Th' failure was +due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend anny more money on hat +pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church is undher repair. Th' +_Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color presses an' will begin +printin' a colored supplement Sunday next.' An' so it goes. It +ain't a boat at all. It's a city.</p> +<p>"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it +says it's a boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time,' says I, 'in this +floatin' palace, atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at +th' beautifully jooled ladies,' says I. 'Ah,' says I, 'th' wondhers +iv science that cud put together a conthrivance th' like iv that,' +says I. 'It's a boat,' says he. 'That's th' best I can say about +it,' says he. 'Did ye not glide noiselessly through th' wather?' +says I? 'I did not,' says he. 'Divvle th' glide. We bumped along +pretty fast an' th' injines made noises like injines an' th' ship +creaked like anny ship.' 'An' wasn't th' food fine?' 'It depinded +on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days, an' too much +iv it on other days.' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?' 'No wan +knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' lady +that searched thim at th' custom house.</p> +<p>"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley,' says he. 'A boat's a boat. +That's all it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on +land. A millyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a +longshoreman on earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way +down to th' steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I +says to mesilf: I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental +luxury. Whin I got aboord th' decks were crowded with happy people +worryin' about their baggage an' wondherin' already whether th' +inspector in New York wud get onto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. +I give th' old an' enfeebled English gintleman that carried me +satchel a piece iv silver. He touched his cap to me an' says Cue. +Cue is th' English f'r I thank ye kindly in Irish. He carrid me bag +downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin' down an' down till we touched +bottom, thin we rambled through long lanes neatly decorated with +steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel. That was me +boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsome berths in +it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypied be a +gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'm +London an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief +an' wint up on th' roof iv th' ship.</p> +<p>"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv +ladies were stretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, +pretindin' to read an' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. +Three or four hundherd men had begun to walk around th' ship with +their hands folded behind thim. A poker game between four rale +poker players an' a man that didn't know th' game but had sharp +finger-nails was already started in th' smokin'-room. About that +time I begun to have a quare sinsation. I haven't been able to find +out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary. I wasn't sea-sick, +mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin' in me +forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kind +iv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' +thried to look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I +didn't have anny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't +like th' smell iv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to +make th' place in me head worse. Sivral times I wint to th' +dinin'-room intindin' to jine th' jovyal comp'ny there but quit at +th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don't know how to account f'r it. +Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage, but sivral hundherd +who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beef tea on deck +spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it to th' +ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker as +to a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it +was th' most important ivint iv th' passage.</p> +<p>"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find +annybody that wud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing +to have to force money on an Englishman in a uniform like an +admiral's an' talkin' with an accent that manny iv th' finest +people on th' deck were thryin' to imitate, but I schooled mesilf +to it. An' sthrange to say they niver refused. They were even +betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whin th' fellow that +pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r me touched me on +th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eye that made +me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call five bobs +over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. He +touched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done +wan thing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected +with th' legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud +hand a piece iv change to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' +Conyard line has passed a dividend. They ought to make a merger +with th' head stoort,' says he.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a +hotel. But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it +'tis wondherful that anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. +Th' Atlantic Ocean is a fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv +wather just th' same. It wasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye +cud put ye'er foot through it annywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. +Th' on'y time a human being can float in it is afther he's dead. A +man throws a horseshoe into it an' th' horseshoe sinks. This makes +him cross an' he builds a boat iv th' same mateeryal as a millyon +horseshoes, loads it up with machinery, pushes it out on th' +billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as ye plaze. If he +didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dure off its +hinges an' go on that.</p> +<p>"All ye have to do is to tell him there's land on th' other side +iv th' ragin' flood an' he'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at +it.' Ye talk about th' majesty iv th' ocean but what about th' +majesty iv this here little sixty-eight be eighteen inches bump iv +self-reliance that treats it like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a +wondher to me that th' ocean don't get tired iv growlin' an' +roarin' at th' race iv men. They don't pay anny heed to it's +hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it as though it was a +good dog. 'How lovely our ocean looks undher our moon.' Whin it +rises in its wrath they show their contimpt f'r it be bein' +sea-sick into it. But no matther how it behaves they niver quit +usin' its face f'r a right iv way. They'll niver subjoo it but it +niver bates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little +man's sthruggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a +decision on points."</p> +<p>"Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land," said Mr. +Hennessy. "Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?"</p> +<p>"Not," said Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats +on throlleys."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WORK" id="WORK"></a>WORK</h2> +<p>"Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Not yet," said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' +mills to-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now."</p> +<p>"Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Ye bet I will," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand +firm be union principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there +these days. I wudden't mind havin' a few weeks off."</p> +<p>"Ye'll do right to quit," said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy +with sthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have +with people goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's +vacation. If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' +men that have made our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth +iv th' wurruld—if I had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' +constitution, which thank Gawd I haven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all +th' time durin' th' heated term. I'd begin sthrikin' whin th' +flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'd stay on sthrike till +'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th' baseball park. Ye +bet I wud.</p> +<p>"I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time. +Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th' +summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, +fannin' th' cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, +whin th' main guy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r +exceedin' th' speed limit, whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at +nights an' th' Sox have started a batting sthreak, th' son iv +Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling calls him, begins to think iv +th' rights iv labor.</p> +<p>"Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about +his rights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss +an' saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, +but so are picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same +not gettin' up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r +th' first time in their good clothes an' th' same thumpin' +sthrangers over th' head with a brick. Afther awhile th' main guy +comes home fr'm th' seaside, raises wages twinty per cent, fires +th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygate as a specyal +partner.</p> +<p>"But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our +industhreel system blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' +foundhry thin in th' home. There is no hearth as ample in anny +man's home as th' hearth th' Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It +is pleasant to see th' citizen afther th' rigors iv a night at home +hurryin' to th' mills to toast his numbed limbs in th' warm glow iv +th' Bessemer furnace. About this time th' main guy takes a look at +the thermometer an' chases th' specyal partner out iv th' office +with th' annual report iv th' Civic Featheration. He thin summons +his hardy assocyates about him an' says he: 'Boys, I will no longer +stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions. Conditions has changed since +last summer. It's grown much colder. I do not care f'r the money at +stake, but there is a great principle involved. I cannot consint to +have me business run be outsiders at a cost iv near thirty thousand +dollars a year,' says he. An' there's a lockout.</p> +<p>"'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get +me sympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me +sympathy f'r th' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm +his toil an' that has to sweat through August with no chanst iv +gettin' a day in th' open onless th' milishy are ordhered out an' +thin whin he goes back to wurruk th' chances are somebody's got his +job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' man returns with his pockets full +iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be the main guy. If I was +rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a son iv Marthy I'd +be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin' season. +They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry not to +meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayers +always time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to +be done.</p> +<p>"No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' +man whin he's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft +op'rators that have laid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as +though they were sufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft +op'rator come home last week with a smile on his face. 'I have good +news f'r ye, mother,' says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope +sthrugglin' with fear in her face. 'Ye've guessed it,' says he. 'We +weren't exactly ordhered out. Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a +series iv sharp whistles fr'm the walkin' dillygate, but, whin that +didn't come an' we were tired iv waitin' th' report iv th' baseball +game come over th' wires an' we mistook that f'r a signal. Ye must +get the childher ready f'r a day in th' counthry. We can't tell how +soon this sthruggle again th' greed iv capital will be declared off +an' we must make th' most iv it while it lasts,' says he.</p> +<p>"I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key +that has a fine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be +up in time to flag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number +thirty-two goes through at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into +each other, turn switches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps +an' hand out time tables an' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations +he dhraws down all th' way fr'm fifteen to twinty dollars a week. +An' he wants to sthrike. An' th' pa-apers say if he does he'll tie +up our impeeryal railroad systems. Think iv that. I never had much +iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver done f'r me was to misspell me +name. He's a little thin man that cudden't lift an eighth iv beer +with both hands, but he's that important if he leaps his job we'll +all have to walk.</p> +<p>"I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv +th' Liquor Dealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher +me to lay down me lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But +nawthin' iv th' kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud +care a sthraw. Th' whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me +frind Ike Simpson, the tillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but +me or Pierpont Morgan might quit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. +Supposin' Rockyfellar an' Pierpont Morgan an' Jim Hill shud form a +union, an' shud demand a raise iv a millyon dollars a year, +reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hour ivry week, th' +closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wan allowed to +make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrike comity +waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light a +seegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our +flannel shirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher.</p> +<p>"We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not +submit. F'r years we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are +plenty iv men to take ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at +first but they'll soon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can +bang th' dure afther ye.' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have +thryin' to persuade ye be peaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think +iv him on th' dead line thryin' to coax ye not to go in but to +stand by him as he would sit on ye if you were in th' same +position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'er coat in his hands as ye +plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort to vilence. Th' stock +exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud be called out an' +afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with their hats in their +hands an' find their old places took be other men.</p> +<p>"No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis +a sthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a +man gets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld +that he shud go on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a +combination wedding an' divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head +about him. But if ye shud go to Paris—excuse me f'r laughin' +mesilf black in th' face—th' industhrees iv the counthry +pines away.</p> +<p>"An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts +to. We cud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but +we'd have a divvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on +th' fellow that dhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him +ye'd niver be able to pursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon +iv pushin' th' barrow. Whin Andhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on +wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'll have to come back. P'raps +that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't get more iv thim little +pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv a Saturdah night. If +he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to be kept in +thrainin'.</p> +<p>"Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a +little money an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him +happy, too. I don't mean coarse, mateeryal happiness like private +yachts an' autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. +I mean something entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I +see in th' pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness +was hard wurruk. 'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a +hall an' preach it in Newport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy +Road where wurruk abounds. I don't want to be run in f'r incitin' a +riot.</p> +<p>"This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' +time to. He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre +lot. There's nawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at +night with his nose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame +home an' dhreams iv cinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he +walks in his sleep to wake th' cow that left th' call f'r four +o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'r feedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. +Th' sun arises as usual in th' east an' bein' a keen student iv +nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to put in his hat. Breakfast +follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin' at nine-three. +Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on a bicycle +seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, with nawthin' +but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with. An' so +he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get in ear-shot +iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'm sufferin' +his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tis +sthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday.</p> +<p>"No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good +f'r anny man. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' +stomach's sake an' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye +mind. But a gr-reat deal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, +will hurt anny man that indulges in it. So, though I don't +sympathize with sthrikers, I congratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, +while the iron is hot an' ye'er most needed to pound it into a +horseshoe. An' especially wud I advise ivrybody to sthrike whin th' +weather is hot."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DRUGS" id="DRUGS"></a>DRUGS</h2> +<p>"What ails ye?" asked Mr. Dooley of Mr. Hennessy, who looked +dejected.</p> +<p>"I'm a sick man," said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Since th' picnic?"</p> +<p>"Now that I come to think iv it, it did begin th' day afther th' +picnic," said Mr. Hennessy. "I've been to see Dock O'Leary. He give +me this an' these here pills an' some powdhers besides. An' d'ye +know, though I haven't taken anny iv thim yet, I feel betther +already."</p> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a +doctor. A man that's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers +to enjye life. Th' likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, +peaceful day in th' counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a +football in th' sun an' ivry fifteen minyits or so washin' down a +couple of dill-pickles with a bottle of white pop. Th' next day ye +get what's comin' to ye in th' right place an' bein' a sthrong, +hearty man that cudden't be kilt be annything less thin a safe +fallin' on ye fr'm a twenty-story building ye know ye ar-re goin' +to die. Th' good woman advises a mustard plasther but ye scorn th' +suggestion. What good wud a mustard plasther be again this fatal +epidemic that is ragin' inside iv ye? Besides a mustard plasther +wud hurt. So th' good woman, frivilous crather that she is, goes +back to her wurruk singin' a light chune. She knows she's goin' to +have to put up with ye f'r some time to come. A mustard plasther, +Hinnissy, is th' rale test iv whether a pain is goin' to kill ye or +not. If the plasther is onbearable ye can bet th' pain undherneath +it is not.</p> +<p>"But ye know ye are goin' to die an' ye're not sure whether +ye'll send f'r Father Kelly or th' doctor. Ye finally decide to +save up Father Kelly f'r th' last an' ye sind f'r th' Dock. Havin' +rescued ye fr'm th' jaws iv death two or three times befure whin ye +had a sick headache th' Dock takes his time about comin', but just +as ye are beginnin' to throw ye'er boots at th' clock an' show +other signs iv what he calls rigem mortar, he rides up in his fine +horse an' buggy. He gets out slowly, one foot at a time, hitches +his horse an' ties a nose bag on his head. Thin he chats f'r two +hundherd years with th' polisman on th' beat. He tells him a good +story an' they laugh harshly.</p> +<p>"Whin th' polisman goes his way th' Dock meets th' good woman at +th' dure an' they exchange a few wurruds about th' weather, th' bad +condition iv th' sthreets, th' health iv Mary Ann since she had th' +croup an' ye'ersilf. Ye catch th' wurruds, 'Grape Pie,' 'Canned +Salmon,' 'Cast-iron digestion.' Still he doesn't come up. He tells +a few stories to th' childher. He weighs th' youngest in his hands +an' says: 'That's a fine boy ye have, Mrs. Hinnissy. I make no +doubt he'll grow up to be a polisman.' He examines th' phottygraft +album an' asks if that isn't so-an'-so. An' all this time ye lay +writhin' in mortal agony an' sayin' to ye'ersilf: 'Inhuman +monsther, to lave me perish here while he chats with a callous +woman that I haven't said annything but What? to f'r twinty +years.'</p> +<p>"Ye begin to think there's a conspiracy against ye to get ye'er +money befure he saunters into th' room an' says in a gay tone: +'Well, what d'ye mane be tyin' up wan iv th' gr-reat industhrees iv +our nation be stayin' away fr'm wurruk f'r a day?' 'Dock,' says ye +in a feeble voice, 'I have a tur'ble pain in me abdumdum. It +reaches fr'm here to here,' makin' a rough sketch iv th' burned +disthrict undher th' blanket. 'I felt it comin' on last night but I +didn't say annything f'r fear iv alarmin' me wife, so I simply +groaned,' says ye.</p> +<p>"While ye ar-re describin' ye'er pangs, he walks around th' room +lookin' at th' pictures. Afther ye've got through he comes over an +says: 'Lave me look at ye'er tongue. 'Hum,' he says, holdin' ye'er +wrist an' bowin' through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet +car. 'Does that hurt?' he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' +suburbs iv th' pain. 'Ye know it does,' says ye with a groan. +'Don't do that again. Ye scratched me.' He hurls ye'er wrist back +at ye an' stands at th' window lookin' out at th' firemen acrost +th' sthreet playin' dominoes. He says nawthin' to ye an' ye feel +like th' prisoner while th' foreman iv th' jury is fumblin' in his +inside pocket f'r th' verdict. Ye can stand it no longer. 'Dock,' +says he, 'is it annything fatal? I'm not fit to die but tell me th' +worst an' I will thry to bear it. 'Well,' says he, 'ye have a +slight interioritis iv th' semi-colon. But this purscription ought +to fix ye up all right. Ye'd betther take it over to th' dhrug +sthore an' have it filled ye'ersilf. In th' manetime I'd advise ye +to be careful iv ye'er dite. I wudden't ate annything with glass or +a large percintage iv plasther iv Paris in it.' An' he goes away to +write his bill.</p> +<p>"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver +can read his purscription. F'r all ye know, it may be a short note +to th' dhruggist askin' him to hit ye on th' head with a pestle. +An' it's a good thing ye can't read it. If ye cud, ye'd say: 'I'll +not cash this in at no dhrug store. I'll go over to Dooley's an' +get th' rale thing.' So, afther thryin' to decipher this here +corner iv a dhress patthern, ye climb into ye'er clothes f'r what +may be ye'er last walk up Ar-rchy Road. As ye go along ye begin to +think that maybe th' Dock knows ye have th' Asiatic cholery an' was +onl'y thryin' to jolly ye with his manner iv dealin' with ye. As ye +get near th' dhrug store ye feel sure iv it, an' 'tis with th' air +iv a man without hope that ye hand th' paper to a young pharmycist +who is mixin' a two-cent stamp f'r a lady customer. He hands it +over to a scientist who is compoundin' an ice-cream soda f'r a +child, with th' remark: 'O'Leary's writin' is gettin' worse an' +worse. I can't make this out at all.' 'Oh,' says th' chemist, +layin' down his spoon, 'that's his old cure f'r th' bellyache. +Ye'll find a bucket iv it in th' back room next to th' coal +scuttle.'</p> +<p>"It's a gr-reat medicine he give ye. It will do ye good no +matther what ye do with it. I wud first thry poorin' some iv it in +me hair. If that don't help ye see how far ye can throw th' bottle +into th' river. Ye feel betther already. Ye ought to write to th' +medical journals about th' case. It is a remarkable cure. +'M—— H—— was stricken with excruciating +tortures in th' gastric regions followin' an unusually severe +outing in th' counthry. F'r a time it looked as though it might be +niciss'ry to saw out th' infected area, but as this wud lave an +ugly space between legs an' chin, it was determined to apply Jam. +Gin. VIII. Th' remedy acted instantly. Afther carryin' th' bottle +uncorked f'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed +signs iv recovery an' is now again in his accustomed health.'</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' +all th' time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into +whin I wasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no +good. An' that wud be most iv me cases.</p> +<p>"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. +'Ye'ers is a very thrying pro-fissyon,' says I. 'It is,' says he. +'I'm tired out,' says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases +to-day?' says I. 'It isn't that,' says he, 'but I'm not a very +muscular man,' he says, 'an' some iv th' windows in these old frame +houses are hard to open,' he says. Th' Dock don't believe much in +dhrugs. He says that if he wasn't afraid iv losin' his practice he +wudn't give annybody annything but quinine an' he isn't sure about +that. He says th' more he practises medicine th' more he becomes a +janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. He says if people wud on'y +call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolish ivry disease in th' +ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he's lookin' forward to +th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll hear a voice +sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well in his +life.' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th' +horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a +pipeful iv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block.'</p> +<p>"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him or +annything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' +doctor was th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er +mustache, give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while +ye were havin' ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv +doctors has had their favrite remedies. Wanst people were cured iv +fatal maladies be applications iv blind puppies, hair fr'm the +skulls iv dead men an' solutions iv bat's wings, just as now +they're cured be dhrinkin' a tayspoonful iv a very ordhinary +article iv booze that's had some kind iv a pizenous weed dissolved +in it.</p> +<p>"Dhrugs, says Dock O'Leary, are a little iv a pizen that a +little more iv wud kill ye. He says that if ye look up anny poplar +dhrug in th' ditchnry ye'll see that it is 'A very powerful pizen +of great use in medicine.' I took calomel at his hands f'r manny +years till he told me that it was about the same thing they put +into Rough on Rats. Thin I stopped. If I've got to die, I want to +die on th' premises.</p> +<p>"But, as he tells me, ye can't stop people from takin' dhrugs +an' ye might as well give thim something that will look important +enough to be inthrojuced to their important an' fatal cold in th' +head. If ye don't, they'll leap f'r the patent medicines. Mind ye, +I haven't got annything to say again patent medicines. If a man wud +rather take thim thin dhrink at a bar or go down to Hop Lung's f'r +a long dhraw, he's within his rights. Manny a man have I known who +was a victim iv th' tortures iv a cigareet cough who is now livin' +comfortable an' happy as an opeem fiend be takin' Doctor Wheezo's +Consumption Cure. I knew a fellow wanst who suffered fr'm spring +fever to that extent that he niver did a day's wurruk. To-day, +afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home not on'y with +th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is a dhrug store +on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloons onless +th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine or +chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinal +minigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile."</p> +<p>"Don't ye iver take dhrugs?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Niver whin I'm well," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I'm sick, I'm so +sick I'd take annything."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_BROKEN_FRIENDSHIP" id="A_BROKEN_FRIENDSHIP"></a>A +BROKEN FRIENDSHIP</h2> +<p>"Hogan was in here just now," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me +he was talkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to +have war with th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. +Befure very long thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand +us a crack in th' eye an' thin ye'll see throuble."</p> +<p>"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Divvle a thing can I make out iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan +says we've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much +fightin' I'd do f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, +which ar-re a blamed nuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're +about as vallyable as a toy balloon to a horse-shoer, we've got to +grab a lot iv th' surroundin' dampness to protect thim. That's wan +reason why we're sure to have war. Another reason is that th' Japs +want to sind their little forty-five-year-old childher to be +iddycated in th' San Francisco public schools. A third reason why +it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Alderman is that they'd been +dhrinkin' together.</p> +<p>"Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this +counthry cud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little +Oryentals? Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' +home fr'm th' bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around +th' top iv a Jap's head while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately +about th' waist an' they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo.' D'ye +raymimber how we hollered with joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his +foot through th' bottom iv a man-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we +cheered in th' theaytre to see th' cute little sojers iv th' +Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyan moojiks with masheen guns. +An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone a thousand miles into Rooshyan +territory an' were about busted an' ayether had to stop fightin' or +not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, ye know who I mean, +jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It's gone far enough +to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An th' angel iv peace brooded over th' +earth an' crowed lustily.</p> +<p>"Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column +next to th' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' +defeat iv Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw +a Jap annywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink.</p> +<p>"Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little +people. How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' +wurruld was akel to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot +straighter an' oftener thin anny other nation. A Jap cud march +three hundred miles a day f'r eight days with nawthin' to eat. They +were highly civvylized. It was an old civvylization but not tainted +be age. Millyons iv years befure th' first white man set fut in +Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th' mannyfacther iv patent wringers, +sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones, autymobills, ice-cream +freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv our boasted Westhren +divilopement.</p> +<p>"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a +Jap soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home +to have his head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. +Their treatment iv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. +Cinchries ago befure th' higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv +in this counthry, th' poorest man in Japan cud sind his daughter to +a tea-house, which is th' same as our female siminaries, where she +remained till she gradyated as th' wife iv some proud noble iv th' +old Samuri push.</p> +<p>"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist +O'Casey's pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked +up her back, was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' +gr-reatest athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud +throw Johnson over a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which +a Jap rassler cud blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his +ankle. They were th' finest soordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a +Japanese soordsman wint into a combat he made such faces that his +opponent dhropped his soord an' thin he uttered a bloodcurdlin' +cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fifty times over th' head iv +th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eight hundred an' ninety-six, +give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud 'tag,' an' clove him to +th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classes engaged in business. +Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade but started banks an' got +all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance. He cud devote +his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he got two +dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch +iv art that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they +had us beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld +an' formerly friends iv th' Prisidint.</p> +<p>"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' +pa-apers. I invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' +Lord hadn't given me two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this +alkiline nose, but a nose like an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons +f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap an' belong to th' higher +civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that used to come in here with +him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a cook an' a student +in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hour about th' +beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh, wondherful +land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherry blossoms a' +gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' says Prince +Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I +salute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' +may ye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. +Banzai,' says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help +on th' cause, Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's +collection f'r eighteen dollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm +in th' rain an' th' next mornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his +new overcoat an' th' rest was meltin' all over th' flure.</p> +<p>"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' +two gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time +Hogan got th' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan +outrage news both stopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known +fi-nanceer who thravelled to Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction +to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidint beginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a +brick put through his hat as he wint to visit th' foorth assistant +to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant to th' plumber iv th' +bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to his Majesty +that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little later a +number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive in +person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him +talkin' ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be +th' warmth iv their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' +Rooshyan counsel. Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our +life-long frind an' ally were shot while hookin' seals fr'm our +side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was +discovered payin' a socyal visit to th' Ph'lippeens. He had with +him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line men, surveyin' tools, +a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv dinnymite bombs. Last +month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th' Prisidint: 'Most +gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun, austere an' +patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign attintion +that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin' childher +who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th' first +reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, we adore +ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud've +shook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove +our affection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to +visit ye'er shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand +th' school system is well worth studyin'.'</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years +ago with blood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything +will happen. Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has +announced that rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm +larnin' his a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, +flood, dinnymite, an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a +pretty good bump lately an' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r +an invasion. Out there they're beginnin' to talk about what nice +people th' Chinese ar-re compared with our old frinds an' allies. +They say that th' Jap'nese grow up too fast f'r their childher, an' +that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a Jap'nese pupil combin' a set +iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a little lamb,' and if th' +Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools he'll have to load thim +in a cannon an' shoot thim in."</p> +<p>"We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't +stand up befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours."</p> +<p>"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But +maybe we on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. +Wudden't it be th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we +signed a threaty iv peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation +in our eyes handed thim th' Ph'lippeens!"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_ARMY_CANTEEN" id="THE_ARMY_CANTEEN"></a>THE ARMY +CANTEEN</h2> +<p>"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine +sight. Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' +Doherty is th' champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp +Twinty-eight. He had a little th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get +a neck holt, th' warryor havin' no slack to his pants, but he +landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reat to see thim doin' a cart-wheel +down th' sthreet."</p> +<p>"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say +so if ye didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have +been rayformed. Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' +motto iv our brave fellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis +'Wine f'r th' thremblin' debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' +'Tis 'Father, dear father, come home with me now.' An' who did it? +Who is it that improves men an' makes thim more ladylike, an' thin +quits thim, but th' ladies? This here reform was carried out be th' +Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union, no less. Ye see, 'twas +this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theery that dhrink an' +fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye fought ye +drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd iv war, +was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd +iv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to +do th' Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' +says: 'That fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to +stand that?' an' Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker +ar-re behind ivry war.</p> +<p>"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' +sojers. Up at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors +cud go an' besot thimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was +a sad sight to see thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand +marches through th' damp sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in +these temples iv hell an' swillin' down th' hated cochineel that +has made Milwaukee what it is. To this palace iv vice th' inthrepid +definder iv his Nation's honor hastened whin he had completed th' +arjoos round iv his jooties, after he had pressed th' Lootinant's +clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mended th' roof iv th' +Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel's wife, an' +written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th' food. +There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th' +cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an' +thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil +th' bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As +a dillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv +America I've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave +boys in yellow fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what +intellicts they show be goin' into the army. Our organ-ization +petitioned Congress time an' time again to take th' Governmint out +iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin' th' very vitals iv our +sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in this thraffic in +th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whin dacint citizens +were puttin' up their good money a block away an' niver a soul +comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress pay +anny attintion to us? It did not.</p> +<p>"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' Christyan +Timp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at +th' last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they +disthributed copies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' +Booze-Fighter's Finish,' among our sojery. Whin they got up there +they seen a large bunch iv our gallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an +outlyin' building, an' says wan iv thim: 'What can they be in such +a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel. Let us go in.' An' in they +wint.</p> +<p>"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes +was enough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was +gray an' blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made +mankind happy though single f'r four hundred years, an' that next +to alcohol is th' greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' +wretches were playin' cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; +others were indulgin' in music, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r +idleness, while still others were intint on th' furyous game iv +dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell. But worse, still worse, +they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed with unbidden +tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans shtud a +bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellow +flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as +I am to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. But +concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be +th' taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv +America, supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to +upholdin' th' flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv +Aloes, gawd iv beer.</p> +<p>"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not +remain long in this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' +dillygation recovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who +was thryin' to skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a +jack full to his ineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, +d'ye ralize that that bottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' +she says. 'I think ye'er wrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he +says. 'Soon or late,' she says, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' +she says. 'Not me,' says th' vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I +don't care f'r rum. A pleasant companyon, but a gossip. It tells on +ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little iv th' Demon Hot Water an' th' +Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has a perfume to it that is +dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum, madam, is an informer. +Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's a demon,' says he. +'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?' says she. +'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annything sthronger +without desertin,' he says.</p> +<p>"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye +know what a Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this +barroom. Th' on'y thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y +thing I'd be afraid iv, an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' +thing he's most afraid iv is th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud +make Congress repeal th' ten commandments. Not that they'd iver ask +thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make thim ten thousand if they had their +way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.' But, annyhow, th' ladies comity +wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been there befure an' dhriven th' +Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair in th' comity room. A +Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand, an' put his +handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat. 'Ladies,' says +he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th' ar-rmy fr'm +th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an adder,' says +they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th' Congressman with +a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that will dhrink +beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We abolished +public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make th' +Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have +ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, +'th' popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be +outdone. Ye see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out +pops a bottle iv Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. +Whoop-ee!'</p> +<p>"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all +right now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a +block. Some iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have +opened places convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, +instead iv th' corroding beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric +acid to knock-out dhrops. I see wan iv thim stockin' up at a +wholesale dhrug store last week. If the sojers escape th' knock-out +dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes care iv thim. A sojer +gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve dollars he can +devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times eight +hundhred an' twelve times that—well, 'tis no small item in +th' coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv +Saloonkeepers holds its next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send +dillygates to th' Young Ladies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought +to be what th' unions call an affilyated organization."</p> +<p>"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's +right."</p> +<p>"An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' +th' sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's +as much iv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r +a year. I'd give up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to +escape th' throuble I have fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I +don't deny it. I'll admit I'm no betther thin an ordinhry doctor. +Both iv us gives ye something that cures ye iv th' idee that th' +pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th' lungs. If it really is +pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an' ayether ye cure +ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life. Dhrink +niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think he was +betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance has +thrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat +ar-re eppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. +It's a frind to thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those +that love it most. It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go +out. I tell ye 'tis a threacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be +given to ivry man.</p> +<p>"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish +priest to see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. +F'r wan man he'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock +O'Leary does whin he ordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another +he'd write: 'Three times a day at meals.' But most people he +wudden't prescribe it f'r at all.</p> +<p>"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm +proud iv me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to +be a mechanic an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. +No, sir, I wudden't care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld +was dumped to-morrah into th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week +or two afther it was I'd have to get me a diving suit if I wanted +to see annything iv me frinds.</p> +<p>"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried +to reform man, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe +he's not worth reformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be +allowed to pizen himsilf into th' belief that he amounts to +something, but thin they don't undherstand man. They little know +what a bluff he is an' how 'tis on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with +stuff that they regard as iv no use except to burn undher a +tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all. He knows how good +dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. They see how it +makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take it away fr'm +him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he's dhrunk +he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside out as +well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th' +fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an' +something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know +that there is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv +dhrink, an' that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved +that otherwise might've died single."</p> +<p>"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it."</p> +<p>"Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver +been really against it."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THINGS_SPIRITUAL" id="THINGS_SPIRITUAL"></a>THINGS +SPIRITUAL</h2> +<p>"Th' latest thing in science," said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' +human soul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye +befure ye die an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is +what ye'er soul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv +a soul in New England is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he +argies that th' conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' +soul wud be in th' heavyweight class, f'r th' New England +conscience is no feather. He thinks it don't escape with th' soul, +but lies burrid in th' roons iv its old fam'ly home—th' +liver.</p> +<p>"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow +it's simple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see +anny money in it as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul +weighed? Suppose ye'er time has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with +their own thoughts, grievin' because they hadn't been as good to ye +as they might, because they won't have ye with thim anny more, +because it's too late f'r thim to square thimsilves, pityin' ye +because ye'er not remainin' to share their sorrows with thim, +wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were bought in honor iv +what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim in mimry iv +Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th' very +young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to look +as sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. +They nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm +time to time they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to +make a laugh'ble face. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're +surprised he isn't gayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe +he's lost his job. There ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' +sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles as he goes by, an' two iv th' +neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a fine man ye were if ye +didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much.</p> +<p>"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. +F'r th' first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in +ye'er life ye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years +ye've been somebody else. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, +ye'er relations, th' polisman on th' beat, th' doctor, th' +newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th' mills, th' laws iv th' +land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th' tailor, th' barber, +an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held a lookin'-glass in front +iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled ye to make faces in +it. But in this here particular business ye have no wan to please +but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're +akelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or +stay ye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry +whistle an' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science +shakes ye be th' elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out.' An' he +weighs figures: 'Wan hundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' +fifty. Siven fr'm naught can't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten +leaves three. I find that th' soul iv our late laminted frind +weighed a light three pounds avirdoopoise.'</p> +<p>"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't +have their souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' +wurrud go through th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, +what?' 'They had to get an expert accountant to figure its weight, +it was that puny.'</p> +<p>"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin +he entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul +to offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv +us wud have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no +wan can see him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes +rompin' home miles ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell +have to weigh out,' an' a little later a notice is posted up that +Dorgan is disqualified f'r ridin' undherweight in th' matther iv +soul. On th' other hand, there's little Miss Maddigan, th' +seamstress. She's all but left at th' post; she's jostled all th' +way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. But she's th' only wan +iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighs ninety-six +pounds—six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it +soul.</p> +<p>"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their +souls weighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. +Th' people that wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want +to be tested by it. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: +'Misther So-an'-so, th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, +universally regretted. His estate amounts to nineteen millyon +dollars. There ar-re two large bequests to charity. Wan is a thrust +fund set aside f'r his maiden sister Annybelle, who will receive +f'r life th' income on eight hundhred dollars in stock iv th' +Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other is forty-two dollars to buy a +wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein' undherstood that no +charge is to be made be th' estate against th' brother f'r a set iv +false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteen four. Th' balance +iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minor childher until they +ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that his soul be +measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wan +pennyweight.'"</p> +<p>"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I +know it's there, but I think—I kind iv feel—I +wondher—I don't hardly know—"</p> +<p>"I see what ye mean" said Mr. Dooley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re +not to be thrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who +tells time be a clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry +hour is different to me. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in +th' avenin' that pass between two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re +hours in th' arly mornin' whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's +age cud stretch in. Clocks ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re +scales. As soon as annything gets good enough to weigh ye can't +weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other fellow. I'm perfectly willin' +to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's weight fr'm what th' scales +say. Little I care. A pound or two more or less makes no +diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' something that's +precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on a +see-saw.</p> +<p>"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about +annything? I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years +thin anny wan iver wint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know +annything about annything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. +I'm a modest man. Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, +Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye, Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, +Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors, preachers, doctors, +lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't annybody say that +they don't know annything about annything worth knowin' about? +Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure me class +an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a +scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant +as—ye'ersilf. I'll have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm +ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It was obtained be false pretences.'</p> +<p>"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am +mesilf. I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye +don't care annything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral +eye. Nawthin' that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go +over to see Dooley,' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go +over to Dooley's.' I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look +like a row iv model wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch +ye'er silences to. I'm always about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a +millyon Dooleys an' all iv thim sthrangers to ME. I niver know +which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm like a hotel keeper with on'y +wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wan at a time an' tumble +each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th' bottle with a +gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th' wurruld, an' +suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomy wretch +that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'm +just gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross, +cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with +me. An' so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows +an' I know nawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip +iv anny other man, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted.</p> +<p>"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. +Don't thry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if +ye do that enough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've +got to start in believin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er +belief. Our old frind Christopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason +f'r believin' that there was anny such a place as America. But he +believed it without a reason an' thin wint out an' found it. Th' +fellows that discovered th' canals on Mars which other fellows +think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn't anny right to think +there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I wondher if +there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll look an' +see. Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd wondhered an' thin believed +about clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is +proof iv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv +holes in th' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but +they run away fr'm doubt.</p> +<p>"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his +belief. If I see a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him +hollerin', 'Hooray, I've discovered a new planet,' I'll be th' last +man in th' wurruld to brush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. +I've known people that see ghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. +They cud see ghosts an' I cudden't. There wasn't annything else to +it. I knew a fellow that was a Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' +chattel morgedge business on week days an' he was a Spiritulist on +Sunday. He cud understand why th' spirits wud always pick out a +stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that had his thumb mark +registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an' he knew why +spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why they +convarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man +that wud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r +good."</p> +<p>"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost," said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="BOOKS" id="BOOKS"></a>BOOKS</h2> +<p>"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really +invy 'tis me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful +thing is youth. Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff +about th' advantages iv age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We +have wisdom, but we wud rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but +we wud thrade all iv its lessons f'r hope an' teeth.</p> +<p>"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post +grajate coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld +an' watchin' th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how +seeryous. How sure they are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure +iv nawthin'; we laugh but we are not cheerful; we have no romance +about th' colledge. Ye don't hear us givin' nine long cheers f'r +our almy matther. We ain't even thankful f'r th' lessons it teaches +us or th' wallops it hands us whin we f'rget what we've been +taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin' th' school, but +hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more.</p> +<p>"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen +comin' in an' I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our +vin'rable institution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed +la-ads comin' in to waken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their +young voices. I'm sure th' other undhergrajates will like him. He +hasn't been spoiled be bein' th' star iv his school f'r so long, +Charles seems to me to be th' normal healthy boy. He does exactly +what all freshmen in our university do whin they enther. He tells +people what books they shud read an' he invints a new relligon. +Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out iv his +system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven't got +th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' fr +mesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can +get th' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that +if a man was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't +go to sleep without takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, +I shud think that Doctor Eliot's very old vatted books are +comparatively harmless. They are sthrong it is thrue. They will go +to th' head. I wud advise a man who is aisily affected be books to +stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter. But they will hurt no man +who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim out carefully. 'Give me me +tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-foot shelf iv books.' +An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izes that th' first +thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be +decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing. +Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' +table. Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm +th' flure an' hermetically sealed.</p> +<p>"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore +as Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it +shows how broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has +included Milton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is +what ye might call summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe +it to ye, Hinnissy. Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story +an' yet it ain't a problem play. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul +who becomes th' iditor iv a daily newspaper. That is th' beginnin' +iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how it comes out. I don't want to +spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niver guess who committed th' +crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A most injanyous book an' wan +iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were four editions iv thirty +copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-covered copies at +fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches. I'm +not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanst +f'r some manager.</p> +<p>"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell—but +I won't tell ye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical +things in it. I don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is +trashy. It is light, perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat +merit. I can't think iv annything that wud be more agreeable thin +lyin' in a hammock, with a glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a +hot day an' readin' this little jim iv pure English an' havin' a +profissor fr'm colledge within aisy call to tell ye what it all +meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I mane I niver go f'r a long +journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica in me pocket. I +have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returned it. I +have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yet +how few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars +that if ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet +an' out iv ivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on +three, have niver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it +was runnin' ye cudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' +f'r two cinchries it has proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin +anny iv Milton's pomes, f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye +hardly iver hear mentioned in th' sthreet cars at th' prisint +moment, was a pote as well as an author an' blind at that, an', +what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. I wondher if two +hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk iv William +Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they?</p> +<p>"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it +must be grander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read +annything. He ain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' +habit. Long years ago I decided that I cudden't read annything but +th' lightest newspaper with me meals. I seldom read between meals +excipt now an' thin f'r socyability's sake. If I am with people +that are readin' I'm very apt to jine thim so's not to appear to be +bad company. But Hogan is always at it. I wudden't mind if he wint +out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin let it alone. But he reads +whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He reads with his meals. He +is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand book stores. He can't go +on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' other passengers or +invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' their houses. Not a +bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tell ye that +th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an' he'll +talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him read +books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is +always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some +men are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes +Hogan believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. +There ain't annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' +blond heroes. An' he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies +an' frinds, wantin' to desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' +losin' his good money to a hero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use +ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limit ye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' +says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Take soft readin'. How d'ye expict +to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye are goin'? Who wud make a +confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'd divide ye'er customers +into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lend money to th' +villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'r th' +villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th' +heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to +do annything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes +iv me fellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I +wudden't thrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I +see f'r all th' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in +th' wurruld,' says he.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent +get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man +full.' An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him +advised about his books so that he won't hurt himsilf with +lithrachoor that don't come undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad +to welcome our young friend Charles Eliot into our ancient +univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He is sure to make th' team +an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it. 'Tis a gr-reat +colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th' time, +because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done, +on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' +child is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. +Ye niver know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be +about. Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy +turn ye down. But there's wan sure thing—ye'll be grajiated. +Ye'll get th' usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv +annything ye've done, but because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' +old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. +'Pass on, blockhead,' says th' faculty. 'Pass on, +Hinnissy—ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye are. +What'll ye take?"</p> +<p>"I wudden't mind havin' a little"—began Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' +avenin' paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TARIFF" id="THE_TARIFF"></a>THE TARIFF</h2> +<p>"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' +Congressmen are doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor +fellows, steamin' away undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol +thryin' to rejooce th' tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' +same platform with me frind big Bill without endangerin' his life. +Th' likes iv ye wud want to see th' tariff rejooced with a jack +plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has been a good frind to some +iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv some iv th' others an' +they don't intend to be rough with it. A little gentle massage to +rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that is nicissry. +Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, Sinitor +Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender in +some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' +give him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' +last I heerd about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' +emacyated crather ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. +It won't have to be helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny +reduction in its weight. No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it +was heartier thin iver.</p> +<p>"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. +He's a fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me +inthrests well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care +what I read. So he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been +studyin' it f'r a week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. +'Tis full iv action an' romance. I haven't read annythink to akel +it since I used to get th' Dead-wood Dick series.</p> +<p>"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv +th' declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind +iv gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair +Columbia puttin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' +products iv our soil fr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks +an' eyes, artyficial horse hair an' bone casings, which comes +undher th' head iv clothin' an' I suppose is a polite name f'r +pantaloons.</p> +<p>"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's +goin' to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating +luxuries. D'ye know Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to +hear it. He knows ye. Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or +three places. He does so. 'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar +plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin' th' heads iv our young men with his +garish display. Befure this, counthries have perished because iv +th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy. We must presarve th' ideels iv +American simplicity. We'll show this vulgar upstart that he can't +humilyate his fellow citizens be goin' around dhressed up like an +Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, be Hivens. How will we get at +him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty per cent. on ready made +clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit. That'll teach him to +squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar in th' Roo dilly Pay. +We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv forty per cent. on +knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five a dozen. +We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes. +We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says +he.</p> +<p>"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt +ye'er skin—an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' +hide schedule yet—that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark +iv our liberties. It's ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in +wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll have to pay f'r thim. If ye will go on +decoratin' ye'er house with shingles an' paint an' puttin' paper on +th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it with ye'er barbaric taste +f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an' karosene lamps, ye've +got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er wealth too long in +th' face iv a sturdy people.</p> +<p>"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It +ain't so. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. +Th' Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' +pathriotic Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' +free list, if ye don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry +to existence comes in free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. +Here it is. Curling stones. There, I told ye. Curling stones are +free. Ye'll be able to buy all ye'll need this summer f'r +practically nawthin'. No more will ladies comin' into this counthry +have to conceal curling stones in their stockin's to avoid th' +iniquitous customs.</p> +<p>"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv +jooty.' Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye +cud prove that they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or +that ye had worn thim f'r two years in Europe, or that ye were +bringin' thim in f'r scientific purposes or to give a museem, there +was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th' Governmint used to sind +profissyonal humorists down to th' docks to catch th' teeth +smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth in th' face iv +anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't have to put +thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thim +chalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to +hand a five to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids +that I picked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me +through.' No, sir, teeth are free.</p> +<p>"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's +a good thing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir +in his tea. Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can +take th' London _Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. +They've removed th' jooty on Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that +far, but in spite iv th' protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv +Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it fr'm th' list iv jootyable +articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse, an' I'm sure ye'll be +glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soap is on th' free +list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv New York +objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'we +must not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' +poor,' he says. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, +an' I wud not deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So +pulu was put on th' free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin +had to go on, too, as it is on'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can +make axle-grease.</p> +<p>"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed. +Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary +bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought +that th' next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, +an' thus sthrike a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. +But Sinitor Tillman, who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd +an' is niver seen without wan perched on his wrist, which he has +taught to swear, put up a gallant fight f'r his protegees, an' +thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a lighter heart that night. +Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this year, an' anny American +wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. There ought to be some way +iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud make a nourishin' +dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttle fish +bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop around +an' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down +th' list I see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a +compliment to Sinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' +inthraduction iv this harmless dhrug into th' discussion he's been +able to get a bill through that's satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am +surprised to see that spunk is on th' free list. Is our spunk +industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand that we be +proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind Willum +Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other day +that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. +But does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there +enough American spunk?</p> +<p>"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free +list. But there are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, +hog bristles, wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, +marshmallows, life boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, +turtles, an' leeches. Th' new tariff bill puts these familyar +commodyties within th' reach iv all. But there's a bigger surprise +waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free list? I'll give ye +twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No. Sugar? Wrong. +Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy. Sinitor +Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye if ye're +sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise. +Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re +on th' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll +be wan pretty soon.</p> +<p>"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his +priceless joss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me +week's washin' pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' +dhreamin' he was th' Impror iv Chiny, while I've had to contint +mesilf with a stogy that give me a headache! But that day is +passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode Island has made me th' +akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th' tariff bill +wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought to read: +'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take this +sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv +hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has +been rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes +clear to ye. Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear +an' ye see ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in +ye'er private yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be +wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' +canary bur-rd seed, while th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' +binnacle.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff +bill, I have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has +been heerd in Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' +walls iv Congress hall has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. +Hinnery Cabin Lodge in accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' +coldest mannyfacthrer iv button shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r +th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say that this appeal fr'm th' +cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th' hide iv th' +pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th' custom house +befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic result +was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded +fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's +almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. +Ye bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' +he can lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin +it comes to disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, +don't ye fail to throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, +bricks at th' riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It +was a fine thing to see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our +grand old organyzation.</p> +<p>"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest +jool in th' dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored +teachin's iv our leaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. +It is crushin' out th' lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst +parts iv this divvlish injine iv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. +Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says, 'as I can stand, as long as +nature will sustain me in me protest, while wan dhrop iv pathriotic +blood surges through me heart, I will raise me voice again a tariff +on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhread implymint iv oppressyon +is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' bland an' beautiful +molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says.</p> +<p>"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' +says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me +arliest days I was brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. +At manny a con-vintion ye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if +there is such a lot iv this monsthrous iniquity passin' around, +don't Virginya get none? How about th' mother iv prisidents? Ain't +she goin' to have a grab at annything? Gintlemen, I do not ask, I +demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I will talk here ontil July +fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th' proposed hellish +tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th' tamarack bark +iv old Virginya.'</p> +<p>"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?'</p> +<p>"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether +a cure f'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv +carpet slippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who +makes it an' he needs th' money.'</p> +<p>"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' +says Sinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic +collague to put both feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' +same item?'</p> +<p>"'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud +be foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish +docthrines iv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says +he.</p> +<p>"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but +ivrything done on th' fine old principle iv give an' take."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' +foreigner pays th' tax, annyhow."</p> +<p>"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle +Garden."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BIG_FINE" id="THE_BIG_FINE"></a>THE BIG FINE</h2> +<p>"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. +Dooley.</p> +<p>"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a +gorjous fine. I can't hardly believe it."</p> +<p>"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon +dollars. Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' +charge was that they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that +Jawn D. was goin' around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, +exceedin' th' speed limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge +to keep I have' till th' neighbors cud stand it no longer. The +judge says: 'Ye're an old offender an' I'll have to make an example +iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. +Call th' next case, Misther Clerk.</p> +<p>"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted +to. He wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet +on that. All he'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his +pocket, skin twinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' +hurl thim at th' clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv +principle. 'Twas not that he needed th' money. He don't care f'r +money in th' passionate way that you an' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes +iv us are as crazy about a dollar as a man is about his child whin +he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoil it. But Jawn D., +havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takes on'y a kind iv +gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin' that he's +a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther his own +money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it where +it won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a +society f'r th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man +misusing his money he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry +Saturdah night he lets th' man see it fr a few hours. An' he says +he's surprised to find that whin, with th' purest intintions in th' +wurruld, he is found thryin' to coax our little money to his home +where it'll find conjanial surroundings an' have other money to +play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th' polis arrest him +f'r abduction.</p> +<p>"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, +Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r +another coort. 'Tis sthrange that all th' pathrites that have +wanted to hang Willum Jennings Bryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' +proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, are now showin' their respect +f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm their decisions. Ye'd think +Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th' awful presence iv +Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor. This here noble +fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give me enough? If +agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' But he +doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th' +coorts on'y if they bow first.</p> +<p>"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv +cross an' indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same +respect f'r thim as they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a +decision iv a judge onless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', +second, other judges bow to it. Ye can't be too careful about what +decisions ye bow to. A decision that seems agreeable may turn out +like an acquaintance ye scrape up at a picnic. Ye may be ashamed iv +it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowed to a decree iv a coort +on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort, knock at th' dure +an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman in a black silk +petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty vinrable +befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile.</p> +<p>"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at +wanst, payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills +an' th' other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar +bills just to annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. +Manny's th' time I've bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort +that lasted no longer thin it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to +call up another judge on th' tillyphone. A judge listens to a case +f'r days an' hears, while he's figurin' a possible goluf score on +his blotting pad, th' argymints iv two or three lawyers that no wan +wud dare to offer a judgeship to. Gin'rally speakin', judges are +lawyers. They get to be judges because they have what Hogan calls +th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why annybody gets a job. Th' +other kind people won't take a job. They'd rather take a chance. +Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decides it th' way he +intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's just been beat +climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th' judge? Ye +bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, gives th' +magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an' +runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick +an' says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except +what ye've whispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I +wuddent thrust him to referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay +th' fine till ye hear fr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' +decision is th' fellow that won, an' pretty soon he sees he's made +a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coort comes out an' declares that +th' decision of th' lower coort is another argymint in favor iv +abolishing night law schools.</p> +<p>"That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I +wondher will they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill +be a long sentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' +attempted to juggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv +th' emergency hospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't +happen to have that amount with him at th' moment or at anny moment +since th' day he was born. But the judge was very lenient with him. +He said he needn't pay it if he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a +letther of inthroduction to th' bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r +two hundhred days. At that rate it'll be a long time befure Jawn D. +an' me meet again on the goluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that +if Jawn D. refuses to go back on his Puritan principles an' +separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll be wan hundhred an' +fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man ought to be +pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand +years.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me +gr-reat an' good frind with a fine that's about akel to three +millyon dhrunk an' disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd +took to dhrink arly in life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be +very rich. I'd like to be a little rich, but not rich enough f'r +anny wan to notice that me pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed +iv havin' money an' lots iv it. 'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at +th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I got it. I was always clear +about th' way to spend it but oncertain about th' way to get it. If +th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd've turned me dhreams +around an' made me clear about makin' th' money but very awkward +an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves to ivry +dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin' +how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat +business capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending +incapacity. No matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be +rich if he wasn't totally ignorant iv a science that we have +developed as far as our means will allow. But now, I tell ye, I +don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraid iv it. In th' good old days +th' polis coorts were crowded with th' poor. They weren't charged +with poverty, iv coorse, but with the results iv poverty, d'ye +mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th' coorts an' the +bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' gold rimmed specs +peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this man charged +with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tin millyon +dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' black +cap."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' +to thim."</p> +<p>"I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me +frind Jawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice +to th' worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain +in incompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave +it where it'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is +that he don't see how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father +iv about thirty dollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own +foolish way. I may not do what's right be thim. I may be too +indulgent with thim. Their home life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis +clear that if they wint to th' Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care +iv money they'd be in betther surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to +carry thim off I raise a cry iv 'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver +had a dollar iv their own an' niver will have wan, pounce on th' +misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th' governmint condemns th' +institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good manny iv thim go to +th'bad."</p> +<p>"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. +Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes +out at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll +find a great manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv +transportation but not much in annything else. He may find flyin' +machines, though it'll be arly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny +people still walkin' to their wurruk."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="EXPERT_TESTIMONY" id="EXPERT_TESTIMONY"></a>EXPERT +TESTIMONY</h2> +<p>"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a +man must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these +doctors don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything +th' rich do that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between +two men with money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want +a diploma f'r sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' +it is to commit a crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with +th' coort. Ye'll get a certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to +show with pride whin ye're let out iv Joliet.</p> +<p>"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps +fr'm th' scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County +Jail. That still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob +him iv th' privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly +an' completely hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a +collar, he's yanked befure an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute +lawyer is appinted to look afther his inthrests an' see that they +don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy atmosphere iv th' +coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome pitcher iv him +as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury iv +onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole +judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be +hanged an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our +proletory frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first +thorough fill-up iv ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an +amount iv inthrest in him that must be surprisin' to a man iv his +humble station.</p> +<p>"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called +'Brief News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv +th' Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed +her grim coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to +know that th' law has been avinged, that life an' property again +ar-re safe in our fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched +criminal lived long enough to get all he wanted to eat.</p> +<p>"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he +gets. He don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a +pair iv dooces in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done +wrong I'd say: 'Don't deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that +wants it. Undher th' circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv +injustice an' much mercy. I do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv +me peers. I am a modest man an' I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' +humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not care to come triumphant out +iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r th' newspa-apers. All I +ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th' polisman's +coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, fair, +an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced +an' that ye can slip somethin' to.</p> +<p>"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y +temple iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. +Don't niver thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in +her hand an' th' handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, +though I've seen thriles where she raised th' bandage an' winked at +th' aujence—she may be blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv +touch she has, an' if ye vinture into her lodgins an' she goes +through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th' pawnticket f'r th' watch +ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes off th' handkerchief, +an' goes at ye with th' soord.</p> +<p>"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak +into Hogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable +impulse to take his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' +all this. Ye wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's +sound asleep. Ye give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be +disturbed, an' hook th' clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day +ye're arristed. Th' pa-apers comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign +iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch fr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv +dhreadful career iv th' victim. Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' +there's an article to show that anny wan has a right to take +Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man to have th' care iv a +watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it. This is always +th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich. Ye're next +ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations, an' +finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard to +persons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye.</p> +<p>"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' +set th' watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' +says th' clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid +cheers an' hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I +have,' says th' pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me +look at it,' says th' coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, +puttin' it back into his pocket. 'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this +crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-re goin' to prove that at th' time +he committed this crime he was insane,' says th' lawyer. 'I +object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legal to inthrajooce +evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations is established. +Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do we know +he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much money +have ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect +more.' Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.'</p> +<p>"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had +among th' head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' +'As guest or landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a +question. Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv +money, an' supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in +question, an' suppose it was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' +suppose he turned fr'm th' right hand corner to th' left goin' +upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat an' a pair iv skates, +an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday—' 'I objict,' says th' +State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larned frind is no +doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbids th' +mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an' +substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how +does th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in +Janooary—an' supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye +haven't got a very large salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption +fits at th' college, an' supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye +answer r-right, I ask ye, on th' night in question whin th' +pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he not funny at th' +roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th' State's +attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th' wurrud +and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th' laws iv +evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' says +th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike +out th' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud +"aloofness."</p> +<p>"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' +'In th' pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' +'What did that indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a +variety iv tomaine >excelsis—' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' +coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th' expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' +coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th' expert, 'that th' man, +when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm a sudden tempest in +his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I don't +know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his chimbley, +like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th' crime?' +'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes +leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' +Germans call tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was +perfectly sane all his life till this minnyit, an' that so much +sanity wint to his head an' blew th' cover off.'</p> +<p>"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther +have a care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' +pris'ner, carelessly jingling th' loose change in his pocket. +'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well, I shud think he was. Why, I can +hardly imagine how he stayed feather-headed long enough to take th' +villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I don't mean anny disrespect to th' +coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen had half as much good brains +in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be wastin' ye'er time here. There +ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv this gr-reat man. Talk +about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared with this joynt +intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able, magnificent +specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve four an' +twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at +that.'</p> +<p>"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' +says th' Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove +be some rale experts, men who have earned their repytations be +testifyin' eight ways fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that +so far fr'm bein' insane on this particklar night, this was th' +on'y time that he was perfeckly sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says +Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' Daily Fluff_, 'this here has gone far +enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if ye don't want a few remarks +printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'll let him off.' 'Don't +pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' says another lady. +'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a cucumber. +We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in our vallyable +journal this mornin'.'</p> +<p>"'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend +Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' +same,' says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard +iv th' Lord who astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit +an' havin' th' Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv +standin' on me head an' playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the +accorjeen with me feet. 'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now +charge th' jury as to th' law an' th' fact: I am all mixed up on +th' law; th' fact is there's a mob outside waitin' to lynch ye if +ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort will now adjourn be th' back +dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. 'He has gone to +addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I must be goin' +too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re."</p> +<p>"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim +experts ar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv +tistymony an' perjury?"</p> +<p>"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_CALL_OF_THE_WILD" id= +"THE_CALL_OF_THE_WILD"></a>THE CALL OF THE WILD</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt +has been doin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are +full iv mangled authors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors +goes out into th' woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on +crutches."</p> +<p>"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"'Twas this way," said Mr. Dooley. "I have it fr'm Hogan, me +lithry adviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in +lithrachoor, an' I do th' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a +little something that's excitin' comin' to me, but this time he's +made good. It seems, ye see, that a good manny iv th' la-ads that +write th' books have been lavin' th' route iv th' throlley line an' +takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtle an' Clarence an' th' wrong +done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutal foreman iv lard tank nine, +an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy love affairs iv Carrie Boo, th' +deer, an' th' throubles in th' domestic relations iv th' pan fish +an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'y books that Hogan has told +me about have been wrote about animiles. I've always thought iv th' +beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' a leg off a man +that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boys tell me +they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, get marrid +an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devoured be +thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink to +excess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be +surprised to know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' +that th' gopher complained iv his gas bills.</p> +<p>"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' +illyphant I wondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv +his that he uses akelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' +fork. Is he recallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man +sunk an ice pick into him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some +wan still there that he thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does +she iver dhream iv him as she ates her hay an' rubs her back agin +th' bars iv her gilded cage? There's th' hippypotamus. He don't +look to be full iv sintiment, but ye never can tell. Manny an +achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppy exteeryor. Somewhere in +sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' fr him. Th' wallow at +th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' ooze arranged be tinder +paws. But he will not return. They will meet, but they will miss +him, there will be wan vacant lair.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm +thinkin' iv askin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to +spind an avenin' with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says +there's nawthin' in it. It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' +best they can. Ye can't expect an author to lave his comfortable +flat an' go three or four thousand miles to larn whether th' hero +iv his little love story murdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' +ear or be fellin' him with a half Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why +should he? Who wud feed th' goold fish while he was gone?</p> +<p>"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' +wilds an' p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he +calls f'r some tea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' +writes: 'Vichtry was not long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he +cud return to his burrow Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail +an' dashed his brains out agin a rock. With a leap in th' air th' +bold wolf put to rout a covey iv muskrats, those evil sojers iv +fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' over ivry animile battlefield. Wan +blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th' buffalo. With another he +crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th' most threacherous an' +th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzed be th' boldness +iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' scene iv havoc, as +is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th' cow, +which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted him +with th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it +is well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, +th' wolf is no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary +wolf. As he heerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' +strength iv a thousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience +he shed his coat, f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been +more careful; he shed his coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly +advanced on th' foe. His inimy give th' low growl iv his hated +thribe. How manny a time have I heerd it in Englewood an' shuddered +with fear. But th' dauntless Tusky answered back with his battle +song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, his wife accompanyin' him +fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. With wan spring th' +inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sink her venomous +fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness, he +back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to +point iv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat +bulk iv th' monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' +torrent an' took th' count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his +mate. She was eatin' th' whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace +come to th' jungle.'</p> +<p>"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' +best animile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help +me story to tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his +eye blacked, an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to +put wan over that stopped another wolf. That's what usually happens +up this way, an' it ain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a +story that'll inthrest me frinds I give it to thim good. Whin I +describe me fav'rite hero, Dock Haggerty, I tell about him throwin' +wan man out iv th' window an' usin' another as a club to bate th' +remainin' twelve into submission. But if I had to swear to it, an' +wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, I wudden't say that I iver see +Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man—at a time. At a time, +mind ye. He might take care iv a procession iv Johnsons. But he'd +be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th' Ethical Culture +Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If iver more thin wan +comes at wanst,' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked,' he says.</p> +<p>"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I +want to read. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' +blew in me good thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd +want some kind iv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' +best day I iver knew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. +I won't say it was much, but now that we're both retired, I'll say +that I'm glad I niver challenged him. But I wudden't look at a +book, an' I wudden't annyway, but I wudden't let Hogan tell me +about a hero that cudden't wear an overcoat an' rubber boots, have +wan arm done up in a sling, an' something th' matther with th' +other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a plug hat on his head, th' +aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th' referee usin' a cross-cut +saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an' fifty Jawn L. +Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through th' window. +Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether 'tis a +wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same +thing—whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been +talkin' about f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he +used to talk about—what d'ye call him?—ah, where's me +mind goin'?—Ivanhoe.</p> +<p>"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called +down thim nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I +wint befure th' fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim +what I thought wud inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he +say? I'll tell ye. 'I do not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I +wanted to charackterize these here nature writers, I wud use a much +shorter an' uglier wurrud thin liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I +cannot. Ye take, f'r example, What's-his-name. Has this man iver +been outside iv an aviary? I doubt it. Here he has a guinea pig +killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear. Now it is notoryous to +anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness f'r these +monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in th' +ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond +makin' thim hard iv hearin'.</p> +<p>"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature +writers. This is a man whose name is a household wurrud in +Conneticut. His books are used in th' schools. An' what does this +man, who got his knowledge iv wild beasts apparently fr'm +mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is his message to th' +little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim that I've got to +think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth, instead iv +leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an undherstandin' +iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons their +innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood—I +can't think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with +premeditated—that th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' +its hidyous fangs into th' gapin' throat iv its prey. How can +honest citizens an' good women be brought up on such infamyous +docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attack Conneticut an' th' bells +shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' these little darlings shud +follow this false prophet an' run out in their nighties an' thry to +leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised? Wudden't the +little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want these here +darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautiful +truth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel +him. There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with +wan terrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way +Willum J. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest +throat iv anny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud +hate to have to sthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's +cramp f'r months aftherward.'</p> +<p>"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these +here nature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. +Th' wild animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best +they can an' th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, +manin' get what ye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes +on. But some wan ought to bring out a new nature story. I've +thought iv chapter twinty-eight: 'With wan blow iv his pen he laid +low, but not much lower, Orpheus L. Jubb, th' well-known minichure +painter who has taken up nature study. With another he +disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who retired fr'm th' +Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to their heejous +docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote his cillybrated book on +wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn car window. It took on'y +a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound on Seton-Thompson's +kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primeval forest. +Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an' +thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted +ally, John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice +that had so long preyed on th' counthry.'</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these +neefaryous plots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. +Th' man that tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat +kills an owl is be pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an +undesirable citizen. He ought to be put in an aquaryum. But take it +day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long won't give anny information +to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much. Th' number iv +carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes that come +down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make anny +wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to +us how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' +we're comin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason +why. I suppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite +something that they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had +to bring up a flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't +much care what they larned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' +chambok, but I'd teach thim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, +an' th' bite iv th' polisman on th' beat."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow +that writes books f'r childher ought to write th' truth."</p> +<p>"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim," said Mr. Dooley. +"Annyhow, th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay +aven boord wages, an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a +job on th' side."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_JAPANESE_SCARE" id="THE_JAPANESE_SCARE"></a>THE +JAPANESE SCARE</h2> +<p>"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. +Dooley.</p> +<p>"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv +a sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're +into ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind +Gin'ral Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I +didn't dare to go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv +ours in war. Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me +grinnin' at him. A smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental +that it is to us Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. +'Look at that fellow makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' +faces at ye,' says th' Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' +'Thin he must have his face changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll +appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll divastate this boasted raypublic +iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,' he says.</p> +<p>"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' +there's no legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' +Gov'nor, th' Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to +th' Mayor, th' Mayor desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis +ordhers th' polisman on th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat +commands me to take me alarmin' visage out iv th' public view. +Suppose I go down to see me counsel, Barrister Hogan. He tells me +that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be th' Constitution, which +Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me liquor license, I'm +entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll up me nose, +wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh' to any +black-an'-tan I meet.</p> +<p>"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with +dynnymite dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San +Francisco; a party iv Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs +off th' descindants iv John Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy +Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed with a small language book +thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th' Jap'nese tongue. And me +name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that brought roon to +his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little childer atin' +their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will curse me +f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that done +so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I +stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over.</p> +<p>"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper +with fear an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June +five—Th' whole nation is wild with excitement over th' +misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in Los Angeles, an' unless an apology +is forthcomin' it will be difficult f'r th' Governmint to prevint +th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at ye. Th' people iv America +shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war. A corryspondint iv +th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain facthry in Maine, +writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose name has +escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo +befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what +he cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his +threaty rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin +into his collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" +on a mouth organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man +be th' name iv Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with +Sweden with th' sad result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo +th' wrong threaty rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung +starter. There is some relief in th' situation to-night based on +th' repoort that th' Prisidint has sint an apology an' has ordhered +out th' army to subjoo Scully.</p> +<p>"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to +discuss sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv +threaty rights iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who +wudden't let a subjick iv th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first +Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo thransfer dated August eighteen +hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest +an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose +tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted th' Mickydoo to give us +another chance befure layin' waste our land.' 'Followin' th' advice +iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to marry rich +American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student an' cook +applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house keeper +where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese Consul's +house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old +frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry +th' Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint +iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' +a riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv +th' seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats, +pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles +which is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv +their grief th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner +to-night an' Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle +ship _Louisyanny_ an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' +deepo.'</p> +<p>"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' +good old days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we +cudden't insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was +sthrong, befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' +other infantile disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an +Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't +give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an Englishman I give him th' foot +too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give him th' same threaty rights +he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th' head. It seemed proper to +us. If 'twas right to belong to wan naytionality, 'twas wrong to +belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud boast to be an American, +it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to be a +Fr-rinchman.</p> +<p>"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a +Jap. Don't touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his +impeeryal hat down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye +know ye'll be what Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a +peaceful village in Indyanny'll be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, +be Hivens, it won't be long till we'll have to be threatin' th' +Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I r-read in th' pa-aper th' +other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been reorganized an' rearmed. +Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned petticoats they will wear +th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs have been cast aside +f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new assortment iv +gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th' evil eye +has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th' +next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind +Lip Hung's laundhry.</p> +<p>"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' +part iv prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a +Jap thin abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too +long. They were all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I +turn pale an' take off me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago +an' I'd bet I was good f'r a dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how +tur-rible a people they are. Their ships are th' best in th' +wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th' Lord knows I'm told +they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver payin' a cent f'r +wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th' whole Atlantic +squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They use guns that +shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv +desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y +known to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles +weighin' eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even +more tur-rible. A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a +day an' subsist on a small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have +arrived at such a perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' +goose step that they have made this awful insthrument iv carnage +th' terror iv th' armies iv Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re +unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in Japan, but ivry Japanese +sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv their magnificent +cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is a sight long +to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be feared +because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He +is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most +sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was +hard to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with +Rooshya because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith +we ought to be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' +whether me cellar is bomb-proof.</p> +<p>"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan +calls a wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' +solytare, winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. +Ivry-body was invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' +on in th' corner. Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, +gintlemen!' an' maybe wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But +we cudden't stand it anny longer. We had to give up our simple +little game iv patience an' cut into th' other deal. An' now, be +Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan hand we have wan partner; +another hand he's again us. This minyit th' Jap an' me ar-re +playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead that was; th' +next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look at his +hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th' +deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er +neighbor winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out +iv me boot an' denouncin' me."</p> +<p>"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. +Hennessy. "Th' likes iv thim!"</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've +got to be polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, +but whin a man is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all +th' time he's little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's +little, look out f'r him."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HAGUE_CONFERENCE" id="HAGUE_CONFERENCE"></a>THE HAGUE +CONFERENCE</h2> +<p>"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th' +Passyfic."</p> +<p>"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to +spend th' rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent +or whether it is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' +th' glaziers iv New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England +avarice, which ar-re hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' +Sicrety iv th' Navy is divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' +press is divided. Wan great iditor, fr'm his post iv danger in +Paris, has ordhered th' navy to report at San Francisco at four +eight next Thursday. Another great iditor livin' in Germany has +warned it that it will do so at its peril. Nawthin' is so fine as +to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his mighty task iv +selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest cook iv +Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy +Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict +like internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do +annything.</p> +<p>"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy +goes to th' Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make +war. They've dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' +ammunition hoists ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' +orchids. Th' guns are loaded with confetty. Th' officers dhrink +nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an' sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' +tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th' home iv th' Christyan +Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries readin' relligous +pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a series iv +articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th' Hague +Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last +war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got +up be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' +Japs. It was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister +had just been blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been +shot, an' wan iv his cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic +acid. All was comparitive peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon +th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as he set in his rile palace an' +listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv bombs bein' hurled at th' +Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken glass out iv th' dhrink +that'd just been brought to him be an aged servitor who was +prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic Assassins. +Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says to +himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful +wurruld shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out +to shoot each other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at +home an' wurruk f'r their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise +mesilf as a moojik an' go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon +a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he says.</p> +<p>"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a +g-reat manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' +they have been devotin' all their time since to makin' war +impossible in th' future. Th' meetin' was opened with an +acrimonyous debate over a resolution offered be a dillygate fr'm +Paryguay callin' f'r immeejit disarmamint, which is th' same, +Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers to turn in their guns to th' man +at th' dure. This was carrid be a very heavy majority. Among those +that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay, Uryguay, Switzerland, +Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed were England, France, +Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' the United +States.</p> +<p>"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' +convintion thin discussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish +dillygate abolishin' war altogether. This also was carried, on'y +England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' +United States votin' no.</p> +<p>"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger +question iv how future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests +iv peace. Th' conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' +th' mushroom bullet which, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not +much larger thin a marble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes +whirlin' through th' allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' +Chinese dillygate said that he regarded this here insthrumint iv +peace as highly painful. He had an aunt in Pekin, an estimable +lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fifty years iv age, who received +wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscue iv Pekin fr'm th' +foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with feelin' on th' +subjick as th' Chinese army did not use these pro-jictyles but were +armed with bean-shooters.</p> +<p>"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, +'quite thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to +th' digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that +they be abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be +th' subjick races,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might +throw a white man off his feed, but we have abundant proof that +whin injicted into a black man they gr-reatly improve his moral +tone. An' afther all, th' improvemint iv th' moral tone is, +gintlemen, a far graver matther thin anny mere physical question. +We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africa that th' charmin' bullet +now undher discussion did much to change conditions in that +enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains. Th' darky that +happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. He retired fr'm +labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says. 'I am +in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters with +races that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate +fr'm Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er +question iv privilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' +windows open,' says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' +he says.</p> +<p>"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, +moved that in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. +Carried, on'y Italy votin' no.</p> +<p>"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with +dinnymite, poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to +infants, bilin' prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. +Some excitemint was created durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm +th' cannybal islands who proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. +Th' German dillygate thought that this was carryin' a specyal gift +iv wan power too far. It wud give th' cannybal islands a distinct +advantage in case iv war, as Europeen sojers were accustomed to +horses. Th' English dillygate said that while much cud be said +against a practice which personally seemed to him rather +unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv anny +cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th' +Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band +shud be considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid.</p> +<p>"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought +to go to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' +slate. Th' English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', +says he, 'if ye deprived us iv th' right to collect debts be +killin' th' debtor ye wud take away fr'm war its entire moral +purpose. I must ask ye again to cease thinkin' on this subjick in a +gross mateeryal way an' considher th' moral side alone,' he says. +Th' conference was much moved be this pathetic speech, th' +dillygate fr'm France wept softly into his hankerchef, an' th' +dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly took an open-face +goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala.</p> +<p>"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses +shud be fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal +talk on th' reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' +dillygate fr'm Chiny arose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war +is. What is war annyhow?' 'Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' +chairman. 'We're all profissors iv colledges or lawyers whin we're +home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot my aunt?' says th' dillygate +fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to hook me father's best +hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid away to escape th' +attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery war?' says he. +'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English dillygate. +'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says.</p> +<p>"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home +an' tell thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv +young men over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with +ye'er leave or by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be +our psyche knots an' they burned down our little bamboo houses. +Thin they wint up to Pekin, set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry +thing in sight. I just got out iv th' back dure in time to escape a +jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I niver see befure. If it +hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th' hundred yards at th' +University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty minyits, an' if it +hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a summer overskirt +an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to steal me +garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that war +or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate +fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan +civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on +his hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' +he wint home."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="TURKISH_POLITICS" id="TURKISH_POLITICS"></a>TURKISH +POLITICS</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny +king's head these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan +iv thim to be a king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly +iv bein' born outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be +Prisidint. But it don't make anny diff'rence what counthry a king +comes from so long as he don't come fr'm th' counthry where he's +king. 'No natives need apply,' is th' motto. If a counthry is so +bad off that it has to have a king, they sind a comity down to +Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan, make him +throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him king, +Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that +are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a +Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other +kings an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord +knows what he is.</p> +<p>"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to +prevint me fr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin +I'd turn th' Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me +subjicks, ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but +marciful monarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty +handed. I'd always lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a +cabinet I'd have, but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained +flattherers that cud be hired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud +tell me th' truth, an' I'd live an' die happy. I'd show these +modhern kings how a king ought to behave. Ye wudden't see Martin I, +iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hired entertainer, wan day +doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th' layin' iv a +cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th' Amalgamated +Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horses with +Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r a +balloon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles +away. No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' +thin I'd blindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' +I'd niver open me mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' +low taste iv kings has rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r +gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think twict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis +as preecaryous as a steeple jack's, an' no more permanent thin a +Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a king goes out an' looks +haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipe bomb at him, an' +if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on th' back in +th' paddock an' called 'Joe.'</p> +<p>"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, +sometimes I let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be +Sultan iv Turkey. There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. +It was well paid, it looked to be permanent, and I thought it about +th' best situation in th' wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a +combination iv pope an' king. If he didn't like ye, he first +excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye. There, thinks I to +mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on a silk embroidered +lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legs curled up +undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap, a +pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his +elbow, a pipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales +whistle in th' cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful +Circassyan ladies dance in front iv him far fr'm his madding throng +iv wives, as th' pote says.</p> +<p>"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he +starts fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august +prisince. 'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' +Sultan. 'Bark f'r th' ladies,' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, +descindant iv th' prophet, whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon +an' stars, whose frown is death an' whose smile is heaven to th' +faithful;—' 'Don't be so familyar with me first name,' says +th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptible supplication,' says +he. 'Ye'er slave,' says th' sicrety iv th' threasury fr'm th' +flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther standin' +th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake out more +thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er +awfulness,' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyon +piasthres—bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls,' +says he. 'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an +insult. Lave it on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv +a tailor,' he says, an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain +comes Jawn Johnson with little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear +iv th' faithless minister is a squeak an' a splash. He rules be +love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that life without love is +useless, annybody that don't love him can go an' get measured f'r a +name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price is lower. His +people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thim to keep +all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits be +takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an +Armeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business +in this counthry.</p> +<p>"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' +man, 'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' +days. So whin I r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution +startin' to fire Abdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance +ye've got, me lads. That old boy will be holdin' down his job whin +there's a resignation fr'm th' supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton,' +says I. 'Th' first thing ye young Turks know ye'll-be gettin' a +prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv a necktie,' says I, 'an' it won't +fit ye,' says I.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a +pitcher iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper—a snap-shot, mind ye! +Think of that, will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew +his thrade wud iver let anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye +iver hear iv Alexander th' Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a +snap-shot took iv him? No, sir. Whin they wanted to satisfy th' +vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to know what their lord looked +like, they chained an artist to a wall in th' cellar of th' palace +an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcher iv me that will +get ye out iv here,' says they. Nobody in thim days knew that th' +king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was made iv +glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose.</p> +<p>"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around +Constantinople in a hack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor +phottygrafters his job was secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk +talked to another about him they talked in whispers. 'What d'ye +suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Oh me, oh my,' says th' +other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says his voice is like +thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud shrivel th' +likes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul, be damid, as th' +potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th' +palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th' +Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look +at—a skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between +ye'er thumb an' forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He +wore a hand-me-down coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' +he's crosseyed. Here's a pitcher iv him.' 'What, that little runt? +Ye don't mean to say that's th' Sultan.—Why, he looks like +th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th' corner an' asks me have I +anny old clothes betther thin what I have on. An' to think iv th' +likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let's throw him out.'</p> +<p>"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a +squad iv polis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' +rung th' bell. 'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose +change into his shoe. 'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain. +'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'd betther come peaceful,' he says. +An' they bust in th' dure an' th' Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple +iv collars into a grip an' selicts iliven iv his least formid-able +wives to go along with him an' they put on their bonnets an' shawls +an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' their goold fish an' their +fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an' has to stop so +that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something they f'rgot at +th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says, 'Did ye +iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says, +'They're all alike, Doc,' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off +goes th' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. +An' th' sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had +been kept f'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' +is boosted into th' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is +intherviewed be th' reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best +he can an' he hopes th' press won't be too hard on him, because he +is a poor loonytick annyhow.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along +with me dhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If +that's th' kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to +take that wants it. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to +search th' palace, like th' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd +left anny money behind, divvle th' thrace they found iv annything +that I'd thrade f'r me back room. I begun to feel sorry f'r th' +poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on a sofy an' listenin' to +th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranite threes while +ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him with fans iv +peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in a +garret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that +come next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent +sleep nights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was +foorced be fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was +abundant. Take it all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye +he's happyer now where he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' +lawn, an' sneakin' into Constantinople iv a Saturday night an' +seein' Circassyan girls dancin' f'r th' first time in his life. His +childher are all grown up an' safe in jail, he has four hundhred +an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven are a good manny in th' +suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainy day, +out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher if +ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th' +first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'lar +ex-sultan.'</p> +<p>"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, +says I. There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther +all. What opporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm +a man that niver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do +annything he wanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It +doesn't make anny diff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah +iv Beloochistan, be gorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that +he can use it an' he'll begin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan +head tomorrah, two th' next day, an' befure he's been on th' foorce +or th' throne a year it'll be a whack on th' chimbly befure he says +'How ar-re ye.' By an' by he'll get so manny people afraid iv him +that he'll be in danger and that'll make him afraid iv thim, an' +thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'ye mind? Th' on'y man ye +need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid iv ye. An' that's +what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thought about it +whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'd +find him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin +she come in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't +put in me application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be +more of a coward thin I am."</p> +<p>"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' +about?" said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a +cigar?"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="VACATIONS" id="VACATIONS"></a>VACATIONS</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm +glad or sorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here +again in the turmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis +pleasant to see th' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything +happened since I wint away on me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I +much sunburnt?"</p> +<p>"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye +on'y last night."</p> +<p>"Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, +but ye didn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night +it was. If it was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont +Morgan's yacht off th' coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us +settin' up on th' front stoop iv th' boat. I had just won thirty +millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice, an' he remarked to me 'I +bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eight thirty, th' wind, which +had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed into th' northeast +an' I moved back to Newpoort."</p> +<p>"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked.</p> +<p>"Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me +mind not to be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation +whin a vacation comes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me +out to a summer resort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it +whiniver I feel like it. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin +ye're talkin' or business is slack fr'm anny other reason, I throw +a comb an' brush into a gripsack an' hurry away to th' mountain or +th' seashore. While ye think ye're talkin' to me, at that very +minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th' Atlantic ocean or +climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' to mesilf.</p> +<p>"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are +overdue. That's because they don't know how to take thim. They +depind on railroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about +it. Long afther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' +fifteenth iv August, they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. +Nachrally they can't tear off very far or they wudden't hear th' +whistle whin it blew to call thim back. F'r a week or two they +spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyon iv baggageman, atin' +off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night. Evenchooly th' +time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble iv th' city +that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th' counthry +that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'r +Mudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin +they remimber that they left their tickets, money an' little +Abigail Ann behind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which +doesn't stop at Mudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, +an' thin on'y on signal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv +th' city with its sprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is +left behind. Th' cool counthry air blows into th' car laden with +th' rich perfume iv dainty food with which th' fireman is plyin' +his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stops occasion'lly. In fact ye might +betther say that occasion'lly it don't stop. A thrain that is goin' +to anny iv th' penal colonies where most men spind their vacations +will stop at more places thin a boy on an errand. Whiniver it sees +a human habitation it will pause an' exchange a few wurruds iv +pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stop at +nawthin'.</p> +<p>"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native +land. Ye make a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye +didn't know were on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' +on'y place th' thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye +look into th' folder an' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b +says: 'Thrains two to sixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' +'What is th' number iv this here cannon-ball express?' says ye to +th' conductor man. 'Number twelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get +off there?' says ye. 'How do ye usually get off a movin' thrain?' +says he. 'Forward or backward?' says he. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' +postal car an' get into a mail bag th' clerk may hang ye on th' +hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He made three out iv tin last +week,' he says.</p> +<p>"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er +thrunks an' come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad +officyal who calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's +cured his wife iv wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her +readin' advertisements iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit +is coming on, an' befure she gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r +freckles he takes her down to th' deepo an' shows her th' people +goin' on their vacations an' comin' back. Thin he gives her a boat +ride in th' park, takes her to th' theaytre, an' th' next mornin' +she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv her indisposition.</p> +<p>"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well +within me means. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' +thin th' thrade iv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin +he ast f'r a gin sour, not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' +me time away in th' Greek islands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I +don't have to carry anny baggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. +I'm not bothered be mosquitoes or rain. In fact, it's on rainy days +that I thravel most. I'm away most iv th' time. I suppose me +business suffers. But what care I?</p> +<p>"In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky +Mountains. In th' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' +West Indies or to Monty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that +iver beat Monty Carlo. I plugged away at number siventeen an' it +came up eighty-two times runnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' +money on th' fickle Countess de Brie, but aisy came aisy go. Me +disappointment was soon f'rgotten among th' gayeties iv Algeers. I +often go up th' Nile because it's handy to th' Ar-rchey Road. I can +get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go to Newpoort, although +it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. It was simple +thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because he wore a +hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready goold bonnet +that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an' +marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play +tennis. It has changed since. But there are still a few +riprisintatives iv th' older memberships iv th' stock exchange who +cannot lave th' familyar scenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these +pathricyans an' gossip iv days that ar-re no more. Faith, there's +hardly a place that I don't spind me summers. If I don't like a +place I can move. I sail me yacht into sthrange harbors. I take me +private car wheriver I want to go. I hunt an' I fish. Last year I +wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made a gr-reat +catch—near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. +An' it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard.</p> +<p>"Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at +their best. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to +go there. No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take +ye'ersilf along an' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv +th' gr-reat comforts iv my kind iv a vacation is that I always +knows what's goin' on at home. Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv +vacation th' newspa-aper he gets was printed just afther th' third +inning iv th' baseball game th' day befure yisterdah. Th' result is +that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what's happened. He +doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago or Pittsburg +is at th' head iv th' league.</p> +<p>"An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' +sthrong dhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do +things that make readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. +Ivrything in th' pa-aper inthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a +cillybrated murdher thrile blossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a +cillybrated lawyer goin' to th' cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' +an increase in th' honoraryum iv his cillybrated collague. Lawyers +don't take money. What they get f'r their public sarvices in +deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in a church. Ye don't +give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peas with the +money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. But whin +things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested another +honoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum, +mainin' I need th' money.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How +glad I am to know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' +tariff to a level where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how +cud I be happy away fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum +Taft was gettin' on at goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that +goes on at th' summer capitol. I am glad to know that Charles +played tennis fr'm ten to iliven an' aftherward took a throlley car +ride to Lynn, where he bought a pair iv shoes an' a piece iv +blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirely recovered. But th' +rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Me fav'rite journal +prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty. Horrible +rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied.' He's th' best goluf +player we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a +shtroke a stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be +a scoore iv wan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did +so.</p> +<p>"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd +assimbled to see th' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. +He wore his club unyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue +shirt. His opponent, th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' +prisident was first off th' tee with an excellent three while his +opponent was almost hopelessly bunkered in a camera. But he made a +gallant recovery with a vaccuum cleaner an' was aven with th' +prisidint in four. Th' prisidint was slightly to th' left in th' +long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin' daunted, he took a hoe an' +was well out in siven. Both players were in th' first bunker in +eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth an' bein' +punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was first out +iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin' at +exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance iv +home on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. +But th' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv +which wud be th' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv +th' sicrety iv war. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to +use a brassy in a spirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was +raaly a brillyant shot. A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have +accomplished a feat in golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was +against him an' he sthruck himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, +resolvin' to give him no mercy, took his dhriver an' made a +sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th' green. There was now +nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash, but always +prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet to bate +th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that was +established be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance +Union in nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it +to ye,' an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His +opponent was obliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but +still sound an' meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated).</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in +touch with what's goin' on."</p> +<p>"What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they +call it rile an' ancient?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' +prisidint iv th' United States has just took it up."</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14684 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley Says + +Author: Finley Dunne + +Release Date: January 13, 2005 [EBook #14684] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY SAYS *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Stephanie Bailey, David King, and the +PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>Mr. DOOLEY SAYS</h1> +<p>BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR," "MR. DOOLEY +IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC.</p> +<p>NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2> +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p><a href="#Mr_DOOLEY_SAYS"><b>Mr. DOOLEY SAYS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#DIVORCE"><b>DIVORCE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#GLORY"><b>GLORY</b></a><br /> +<a href="#WOMAN_SUFFRAGE"><b>WOMAN SUFFRAGE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_BACHELOR_TAX"><b>THE BACHELOR TAX</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_RISING_OF_THE_SUBJECT_RACES"><b>THE RISING OF THE +SUBJECT RACES</b></a><br /> +<a href="#PANICS"><b>PANICS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#OCEAN_TRAVEL"><b>OCEAN TRAVEL</b></a><br /> +<a href="#WORK"><b>WORK</b></a><br /> +<a href="#DRUGS"><b>DRUGS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#A_BROKEN_FRIENDSHIP"><b>A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_ARMY_CANTEEN"><b>THE ARMY CANTEEN</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THINGS_SPIRITUAL"><b>THINGS SPIRITUAL</b></a><br /> +<a href="#BOOKS"><b>BOOKS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_TARIFF"><b>THE TARIFF</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_BIG_FINE"><b>THE BIG FINE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#EXPERT_TESTIMONY"><b>EXPERT TESTIMONY</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_CALL_OF_THE_WILD"><b>THE CALL OF THE +WILD</b></a><br /> +<a href="#THE_JAPANESE_SCARE"><b>THE JAPANESE SCARE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#HAGUE_CONFERENCE"><b>THE HAGUE CONFERENCE</b></a><br /> +<a href="#TURKISH_POLITICS"><b>TURKISH POLITICS</b></a><br /> +<a href="#VACATIONS"><b>VACATIONS</b></a><br /></p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Mr_DOOLEY_SAYS" id="Mr_DOOLEY_SAYS"></a>Mr. DOOLEY +SAYS</h2> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DIVORCE" id="DIVORCE"></a>DIVORCE</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a +Divoorce Congress."</p> +<p>"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y +luxury supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up +here whin a marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r +thim to go on livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel +that way some mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim +still glarin' at each other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver +laves her husband while he has th' breath iv life in him, an' anny +gintleman that took a thrip to Reno in ordher to saw off th' +housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud find throuble ready +f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No, sir, whin our +people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river. There's +on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize, an' +that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall +bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a +timprary husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv +July an' dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' +customs iv th' neighbors are agin it.</p> +<p>"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan +Avnoo marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid +life an' an onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' +on with th' new an' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says +th' preacher. 'Or th' jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride.</p> +<p>"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was +assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. +It's a tur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan +State on'y to be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses +th' border. There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's +almost impossible f'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has +a good raison. There's no regularity at all about it. In Kentucky +baldness is grounds f'r divoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' +weather. In Illinye a woman can be freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv +mathrimony because her husband wears Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin +th' old man can get his maiden name back because his wife tells +fortunes in th' taycup.</p> +<p>"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to +wipe his boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South +Dakota. Ye can be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge +th' complaint. Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because +wan iv th' parties dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't +dhrink an' th' other does, because they both dhrink, because th' +wife is addicted to sick headaches, because he asked her what she +did with that last $10 he give her, because he knows some wan else, +because she injyes th' society iv th' young, because he f'rgot to +wind th' clock. A husband can get a divoorce because he has more +money thin he had; a wife because he has less. Ye can always get a +divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibility iv temper. That's +whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' same time. Ye'd call +it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy.</p> +<p>"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A +man that wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' +do a tour iv our gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly +released he may want to do it all over agin with th' second choice +iv his wild, glad heart.</p> +<p>"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws +ought to be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv +ours it shud be th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with +alimony, simply be goin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' +an affydavit that th' lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his +taste. Be Hivens, I'd go farther. Rather than have people endure +this sarvichood I'd let anny man escape be jumpin' th' conthract. +All he'd have to do if I was r-runnin' this Governmint wud be to +put some clothes in th' grip, write a note to his wife that afther +thinkin' it over f'r forty years he had made up his mind that his +warm nature was not suited to marredge with th' mother iv so manny +iv his childher, an' go out to return no more.</p> +<p>"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' +what I r-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this +land onhappily mated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if +they had a sliver in their thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows +iv these people ar-re beyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' +jooty iv th' law to marcifully release thim.</p> +<p>"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' +about th' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me +eyes filled with tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he +marrid. He was a fireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his +etarnal affection was th' daughter iv th' most popylar saloon +keeper in town. A gr-reat socyal gulf opened between thim. He had +fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein' promoted to two-fifty a day, but +she was heiress to a cellar full iv Monongahela rye an' a pool +table, an' her parents objicted, because iv th' diffrence in their +positions. But love such as his is not to be denied. Th' bold +suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid.</p> +<p>"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r +twinty years an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who +expect to be supported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, +spurred on be th' desire to make good with his queen, slugged, +cheated, an' wurruked his way to th' head iv th' railroad. He was +no longer Greasy Bill, th' Oil Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' +Prince iv Industhree. All th' diff'rent kinds iv money he iver +heerd iv rolled into him, large money an' small, other people's +money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'd wished f'r. Whin he +set in his office countin' it he often left a call f'r six o'clock +f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th' roundhouse on +time.</p> +<p>"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf +as though he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring +saw him on a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. +He was received with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city +that knew the combynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides +be his fellow Kings iv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv +honor at a modest but tasteful dinner, where there was a large +artificyal lake iv champagne into which th' comp'ny cud dive. In +th' on'y part iv New York ye iver read about—ar-re there no +churches or homes in New York, but on'y hotels, night resthrants, +an' poolrooms?—in th' on'y part iv New York ye read about he +cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cud fall on his +bald but youthful head.</p> +<p>"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is +painful to say that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life +had not kept pace with him. She had taught him to r-read, but he +had gone on an' taken what Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. +Women get all their book larnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd +been pretty active about th' childher while he was pickin' up more +iddycation in th' way iv business thin she'd iver dhream iv +knowin'. She had th' latest news about th' throuble in th' +Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into his office.</p> +<p>"A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to +read about, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to +tell ye that th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he +use to whistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. +It's no aisy thing to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate +th' hair with another. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper +classes in New York she was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their +tastes was decidedly dissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he +carrid th' wash pitcher down to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, +while she dandled th' baby an' fried th' round steak at th' same +time. That day was past. She hadn't got to th' pint where she cud +dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv her nose. Th' passin' years had +impaired all possible foundations f'r a new crop iv hair. Sometimes +conversation lagged.</p> +<p>"Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successful +exthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. +Gough. She got her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was +there f'r this joynt intelleck an' this household tyrant to talk +about? No wondher he pined. Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin +bein' compelled to set down ivry month or two an' chat about a new +tooth that Hiven had just sint to a fam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was +that all. She give him no rest. Time an' time again she asked him +was he comin' home that night. She tortured his proud spirit be +recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th' window iv th' +room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so far as to dhraw +on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives—their tears. +One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seen her. +Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim this +gr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise +whin he didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin +th' Gr-reat Fi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' +Judge to sthrike off th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a +divoorce.</p> +<p>"I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things," said +Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Oh, I know ye don't agree with me," said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether +does th' parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's +marrid he's marrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand +in th' grab-bag an' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money +back.</p> +<p>"'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye +talkin' about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two +people in th' wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was +there iver a frindship that was annything more thin a kind iv +suspension bridge between quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv +life,' says he, 'we leap fr'm scrap to scrap,' he says. 'I'm wan iv +th' best-timpered men in th' wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not,' says +I.) I'm wan iv th' kindest iv mortals,' he says, 'but put me in th' +same house with Saint Jerome,' he says, 'an' there'd be at laste +wan day in th' month whin I'd answer his last wurrd be slammin' th' +dure behind me,' he says. 'Man is nachrally a fightin' an +quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don't always turn +away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse,' he says. 'Th' throuble +about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wan +that made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, +I'd niver let th' sun go down on a quarrel,' he says. 'But if ye +had a bad mouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' +partnership because ye'ar a cantankerous old villain that no wan +cud get on with,' he says. 'If people knew they cudden't get away +fr'm each other they'd settle down to life, just as I detarmined to +like coal smoke whin I found th' collection wasn't big enough to +put a new chimbley in th' parish house. I've acchally got to like +it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition iv human life that's not +endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've got to endure it,' he +says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this, that whin a +rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved over +breakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, +an' he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that +afthernoon they're in their lawyers' office,' he says. 'But whin a +poor gintleman an' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her +anger into rubbin' th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor +gintleman aises his be murdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be +th' time night comes ar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to +go home annyhow, an' it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm +misjudged, an' he puts a pound iv candy into his coat pocket an' +goes home an' finds her standin' at th' dure with a white apron on +an' some new ruching ar-round her neck,' he says.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions."</p> +<p>"I see on'y wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly +think?"</p> +<p>"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced +I'd let thim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' +childher. They'd larn thim to behave."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="GLORY" id="GLORY"></a>GLORY</h2> +<p>"Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more +scandal talked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld."</p> +<p>"Hogan had betther keep quiet," said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goes +circulatin' anny stories about me I'll—"</p> +<p>"Ye needn't worry," said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to +talk about annywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' +subjick iv our scand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a +repytation. No, sir, our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' +illusthrees an' it ran all th' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses +Grant.</p> +<p>"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody +knows about me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm +pollyticks whin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. +If I'd let it go a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest +iv me life an' some years afther me death.</p> +<p>"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' +foolish. 'Twas th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint +by: 'There goes Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' +have thim name babies, sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' +five-cent seegars afther me, an' whin I died to have it put in th' +books that 'at this critical peeryod in th' history of America +there was need iv a man who combined strenth iv charackter with +love iv counthry. Such a man was found in Martin Dooley, a +prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.'</p> +<p>"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I +had, 'tis little attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what +Hogan calls bi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though +they mintioned th' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted +fatherland, they'd make th' more intherestin' story about th' time +I almost met it be fallin' down stairs while runnin' away fr'm a +polisman. F'r wan page they'd print about me love iv counthry, +they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink.</p> +<p>"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in +Byrnes's book. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a +lockstep down in Joliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a +robber in his old age. He busted into churches, fooled ar-round +with other men's wives, curled his hair with a poker an' smelled iv +perfumery like a Saturday night car. An' his wife was a suspicyous +charackter an' he turned her away.</p> +<p>"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven +f'r thim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no +betther than she shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. +Willum Shakespeare is well known as an author of plays that no wan +can play, but he was betther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad +actor, an' a thief. His wife was a common scold an' led him th' +life he desarved. They niver leave th' ladies out iv these stories +iv th' gr-reat. A woman that marries a janius has a fine chance iv +her false hair becomin' more immortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It +don't make anny difference if all she knew about her marital hero +was that he was a consistent feeder, a sleepy husband, an' +indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf, an' that she +had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men had something th' +matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton, who was +th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childless hersilf, +was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawl +ar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan +says she had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all +his frinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was +a case. I wish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A +gr-reat moral rellijous counthry like this desarves a betther +parent.</p> +<p>"They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote +good songs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan +thinks iv him as havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal +iv his parish. I remimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked +th' British at Noo Orleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but +Hogan remimbers him as a man that cudden't spell an' had a wife who +smoked a corncob pipe. I remimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' +slaves, but Hogan remimbers how he used to cut loose yarns that +made th' bartinder shake th' stove harder thin it needed. I +remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shiloh whin he was young, +but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound New York whin he +was old.</p> +<p>"An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out +to write a bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war +departmint or th' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' +bureau dhrawers, old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, +an' th' recollections iv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther +thin annything else. He don't care much f'r th' kind beginning: +'Dear wife, I'm settin' in front iv th' camp fire wearin' th' +flannel chest protector ye made me, an' dhreamin' iv ye,' but if he +can find wan beginnin': 'Little Bright Eyes: Th' old woman has gone +to th' counthry,' he's th' happiest bi-ographer ye cud see in a +month's thravel.</p> +<p>"Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas +written by a frind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or +another. 'At this time,' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was +destined to change th' whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, +while in a sthreet car, where he lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke +to see a beautiful woman thryin' to find a nickel in a powder puff. +Th' brutal conductor towered over her, an' it was more thin th' +Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with an oath, he pulled th' +rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car.</p> +<p>"Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no +doubt he often thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, +although he niver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' +dinin'-room at th' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but +th' fair vision iv th' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked +him up, an' there began a frindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness +to both iv thim. He seldom mintioned her, but wan night he was +heard to mutter: 'Her face is like wan iv Rembrand's saints.' A few +historyans contind that what he said was: 'Her face looks like a +remnant sale,' but I cannot believe this.</p> +<p>"They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil +th' enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been +able to find anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv +wan iv his faithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. +(Love an' Letters iv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; +Stolen, Collected an' Edited be James Snooper.) * * * Next year was +mim'rable f'r his gloryous victhry at Punkheim, all th' more +wondherful because at th' time our hero was sufferin' fr'm +deleeryyum thremens.</p> +<p>"It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as +gr-reat a liar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that +with th' cheers iv his sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still +write home to his wife: 'Ol' girl—I can't find annything fit +to dhrink down here. Can't ye sind me some cider fr'm th' farm.' * +* * In 1865 he was accused iv embezzlemint, but th' charges niver +reached his ears or th' public's ontil eight years afther his +death. * * * In 67' his foster brother, that he had neglected in +Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an' broke his leg. * * * +In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fifty years. They +were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly iv fourteen +childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'r some +reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, one +of th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further +details iv th' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' +volume.' It seems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called +bi-ography is a kind iv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan +side, an' bi-ography comes along an' makes it rowl over an' lie on +th' other side. Th' historyan says, go up; th' bi-ographer says, +come down among us. I don't believe ayether iv thim.</p> +<p>"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. +'Were they all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think +so gloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye +mustn't believe all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' +says he. 'It's a thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat +an' sthrong. Th' hero sthruts through histhry with his chin up in +th' air, his scipter in his hand an' his crown on his head. But +behind him dances a boot-black imitatin' his walk an' makin' faces +at him. Fame invites a man out iv his house to be crowned f'r his +gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a warrant f'r batin' his wife. +'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it shudden't be so. We'd all +perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv th' wurruld didn't have +nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen to possess thim, we +make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over us. Wan way or +another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we can't reach +th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feel aisier +about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' it +stimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in +hand 'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seein' our pitchers +in th' pa-apers.'</p> +<p>"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, +th' people ye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step +iv ye'er youth, all go thundherin' down to immortality together. +An' afther all, isn't it a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care +about is th' one Mulligan th' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I +like Mulligan's style, f'r he's no flatthrer, an' he has wan model +iv bi-ography that he uses f'r old an' young, rich an' poor. He +merely writes something to th' gin'ral effect that th' deceased was +a wondher, an' lets it go at that."</p> +<p>"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. +Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough +to buy off all threatenin' bi-ographers."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WOMAN_SUFFRAGE" id="WOMAN_SUFFRAGE"></a>WOMAN +SUFFRAGE</h2> +<p>"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in +their might an' demanded a vote."</p> +<p>"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"A vote," said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they +do?"</p> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv +thim gathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or +naytional dormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore +proclaimed that a debate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English +gintlemen to marry their deceased wife's sisters befure th' +autopsy. In th' great hall iv Rufus some iv th' mightiest male +intellecks in Britain slept undher their hats while an impassioned +orator delivered a hem-stitched speech on th' subject iv th' day to +th' attintive knees an' feet iv th' ministhry. It was into this +here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen iv Europe that ye see on ye'er +way to France that th' furyous females attimpted to enter. +Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rude jeers iv th' +multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th' idifice. +There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim. 'What +d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' says +th' commander iv th' army iv freedom.</p> +<p>"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate +battle followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv +'Brute,' 'Monster,' 'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins +were dhrawn. Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin +th' rest, done a fit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered +insane be sufferin' f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a +Japanese fan on th' little finger iv th' right hand. Thin th' +infuryated officers iv th' law charged on th' champeens iv liberty. +A scene iv horror followed. Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' +led thim down th' stairs; others were carried out fainting by th' +tyrants. In a few minyits all was over, an' nawthin' but three +hundhred hairpins remained to mark th' scene iv slaughter. Thus, +Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedom fought an' lost."</p> +<p>"It sarves thim right," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at +home tindin' th' babies."</p> +<p>"A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry +man. P'raps they havn't got any babies. A baby is a good +substichoot f'r a ballot, an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom +has time f'r anny other luxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, +says I. What have they done to injye this impeeryal suffrage that +we fought an' bled f'r? Whin me forefathers were followin' George +Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th' hardships that men endure campin' +out in vacation time, what were th' women doin'? They were back in +Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin' socks, followin' th' plow, +plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses, an' pursooin' th' +other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect. Afther th' war +our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'r their +devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrim +fathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on their +property. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we +won.</p> +<p>"Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy +job that anny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a +sthrong man's with a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that +requires what Hogan calls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin +votin'. It's th' hardest wurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure +daylight an' thramp over to th' Timple iv Freedom, which is also +th' office iv a livery stable. Wan iv th' judges has a cold in his +head an' closes all th' windows. Another judge has built a roarin' +fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hots on it. Th' room is +lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowded with pathrites +who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or three polismen that +maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don't know +annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polisman +in his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call +thim, th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' +best seegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy.</p> +<p>"In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls +glows an' puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' +sanchoo-ary iv Liberty comes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment +made iv carbolic acid, pours it into a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' +domestic attindants iv th' guests iv th' house walks through fr'm +makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chief judge, who knows me well, +because he shaves me three times a week, gives me a contimchous +stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lous questions about +me age.</p> +<p>"I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman +movin' nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. +They're all occypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled +voices f'r somewan to light th' candle so they'll be sure they +ain't votin' th' prohybition ticket. Th' calico sheets over th' +front iv th' booths wave an' ar-re pushed out like th' curtains iv +a Pullman car whin a fat man is dhressin' inside while th' thrain +is goin' r-round a curve. In time a freeman bursts through, with +perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurls his suffrage at th' judge +an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inch iv lead pencil be +rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th' top iv th' +dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life.</p> +<p>"Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' +fair. It's men's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she +cud bound Kamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't +qualified f'r it. It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites +like Mulkowsky th' Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet +that he ain't votin' f'r th' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still +over there pretindin' to be a horse instead iv a free American +givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge.</p> +<p>"On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' +April a man goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him +down th' sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He +don't mind inhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if +Molly Donahue wint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing +she'd do wud be to get a broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' +windows, disinfect th' booths, take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' +hang up a pitcher iv Niagary be moonlight, chase out th' watchers +an' polis, remove th' seegars, make th' judges get a shave, an' +p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no job f'r her, an' I told her +so.</p> +<p>"'We demand a vote,' says she. 'All right,' says I, 'take mine. +It's old, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little +th' worse f'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in +this counthry f'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' +use it as ye please,' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry +sleep iliction day mornin',' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired +iv it annyhow,' says I. 'But,' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young +an' beautiful as ye want to do annything so foolish as to vote?' +says I. 'Ain't we intilligent enough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too +intilligent,' says I. 'But intilligence don't give ye a vote.'</p> +<p>"'What does, thin,' says she. 'Well,' says I, 'enough iv ye at +wan time wantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er +Woman's Rights Club?' 'Twinty,' says she. 'Make it three hundher,' +says I, 'an' ye'll be on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, +does she? No, nor ye'er sister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor +ye'er aunt? All that iliction day means to thim is th' old man +goin' off in th' mornin' with a light step an' fire in his eye, an' +comin' home too late at night with a dent in his hat, news-boys +hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-four votes had been +cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8 o'clock, an' +Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'r th' +bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote, +they'll vote. Ye bet they will.'</p> +<p>"'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' +on'y th' king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an +Indyan. Th' king clapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' +polls, marked a cross at th' head iv th' column where his name was, +an' wint out to cheer th' returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' +says they: Votin' seems a healthy exercise an' we'd like to thry +it. Give us th' franchise or we'll do things to ye. An' they got +it. Thin it wint down through th' earls an' th' markises an' th' +rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'lly all that was left iv it was +flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy, because they made a lot +iv noise an' threatened to set fire to th' barns.'</p> +<p>"'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r +it. No wan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same +token, there ar-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep +ye fr'm gettin'. Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right +coorse, on'y there ain't enough iv thim. If there were forty +thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hat pins an' prepared to plunge th' +same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies iv female suffrage, an' if, +instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th' constablry, they charged +an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th' House iv Commons, +an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th' hat over th' +eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure some mimber +wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrage +club was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't +be long befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate +creams f'r ye'er vote.'</p> +<p>"'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this +in th' pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women +invaded th' capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They +chased th' polis acrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was +agin th' bill, an' tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv +th' opposition. At 10 o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud +veto th' bill, an' instantly a huge crowd iv excited females +gathered in front of the White House, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' +'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelled whin th' Prisident's wife +appeared on th' balcony an' made a brief speech. She said she was a +mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' she felt safe in assuring +her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. If nicissry, she wud sign +it hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a little onruly, but he was +frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th' aujeence wud +undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his tantrums. A +little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. At prisint +th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughter settin' +on his head.</p> +<p>"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob +proceeded down Pinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' +capital were jammed. Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be +th' hair iv th' head an' made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote +right. Immejately afther th' prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop +iv Matsachoosetts offered th' suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' +motion is out iv ordher,' began th' Speaker. At this minyit a lady +standin' behind th' chair dhrove a darning needle through his coat +tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker, reachin' behind him with an +agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it go annyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I +protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong, 'I protest—' At +this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th' gall'ries. +Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, hand mirrors, +fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber. In +the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud be +seen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to +come home to-night, polthroon.'</p> +<p>"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his +face livid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was +on'y about to say I second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried +without a dissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it +was opposed be Jeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' +leader iv th' suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly +insthructed th' clerk to cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. +To-night in th' prisince iv a vast multichood th' Prisident was led +out be his wife. He was supported, or rather pushed, be two iv his +burly daughters. He seemed much confused, an' his wife had to point +out th' place where he was to sign. With tremblin' fingers he +affixed his signature an' was led back.</p> +<p>"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all +avenin' with good-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' +dry goods stores, which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was +almost impossible to get through. Iv coorse there were th' usual +riochous scenes in th' dhrug stores, where th' bibulous gathered at +th' sody-wather counthers an' cillybrated th' victory in lemon, +vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thim keepin' it up till 9 o'clock, +or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about, me child,' says I, 'ye may +sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary, f'r ye'll have as much +right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th' ward. But don't ask +f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan give thim to ye. A +right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th' matther +with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned inside +out,' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, +though to tell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan +did. Some time some fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or +betther still, th' other fellows', f'r th' right to vote.'"</p> +<p>"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. +Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't +care. What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a +little soap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to +pollyticks. It wudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be +illicted to office onless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his +boots an' shaved his chin wanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I +care not who casts th' votes iv me counthry so long as we can hold +th' offices. An' there's on'y wan way to keep the women out iv +office, an' that's to give thim a vote."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BACHELOR_TAX" id="THE_BACHELOR_TAX"></a>THE +BACHELOR TAX</h2> +<p>"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' +to put a tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a +tax on bachelors? There's one on dogs."</p> +<p>"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it +five dollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession +to us. They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow +more thin twice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year +to see me throttin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on +me neck. If me tax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' +th' bachelor catcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll +be kept there three days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be +dhrowned onless th' pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver +see it, me boy. No, Sir. Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men +polytickally, as well as handsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us +we'll fight ye to th' end. If worst comes to worst we won't pay th' +tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyit that light-footed heroes that have +been eludin' onprincipled females all their lives won't be able to +dodge a little thing like a five-dollar tax. There's no clumsy +collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with a man iv me age who +has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r forty years an' +remains unmarrid.</p> +<p>"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' +Constitution an' about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' +highest jooty iv citizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give +a vote to th' shad? Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports +th' Naytional Governmint be payin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo +jooties, who maintains th' schools ye sind ye'er ignorant little +childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses, who does th' fightin' +f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marrid men start all th' +wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whin war is +declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be if they +niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid again +an' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' their +widow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' their +rilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live +on afther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken +iron in his stomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension +come fr'm th' Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over +here an' stick a sthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close +down me shop an' go out somewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose +me leg defindin' th' hearths iv me counthry, me that niver had a +hearth iv me own to warm me toes by but th' oil stove in me +bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd be wantin' to tax like a +pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain!</p> +<p>"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' +bachelors ye tax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer +lookin' lot iv fellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're +bachelors. 'Tis with us as with th' ladies. A lady with an erratic +face is sure to be marrid befure a Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to +wurruk right away an' what Hogan calls th' doctrine iv av'rages is +always with thim that starts early an' makes manny plays. But th' +Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an' take her pick +an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes up with a +scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a man +down fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young +woman have I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large +fam'ly whin her frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' +most beautiful woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds +waitin' f'r some wan to take her buggy ridin'.</p> +<p>"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan +had thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is +old enough to vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan +calls th' graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is +very plain but has a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't +an' didn't always keep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld +cud see he'd be lynched be th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. +But 'tis diff'rent with us comely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, +we can afford to be haughty an' peevish. It makes us more +inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with a gentle but supeeryor +eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice, pretty atthractive +girl. I hope she'll marry well.' By an' by whin th' roses fade fr'm +our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th' inivitable, +run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th' multichood +iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlight +pitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all.</p> +<p>"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' +landscape. Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints +iv th' tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all +bachelors. What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest +neckties in th' front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier +iris, as Hogan says, th' burnished bachelor? See th' lordly +bachelor comin' down th' sthreet, with his shiny plug hat an' his +white vest, th' dimon stud that he wint in debt f'r glistenin' in +his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoes on his feet +out-shinin' th' noonday sun.</p> +<p>"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' +his tie undher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his +gaiters in a way that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver +wore a pair iv darned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in +me hosiery I throw thim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that +men are onhappy because they have no wan to darn their socks an' +put buttons on their shirts. Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy +because his socks ar-re not darned but because they ar-re. An' as +f'r buttons on his shirt, whin th' buttons comes off a bachelor's +shirt he fires it out iv th' window. His rule about clothes is +thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit, d'ye mind. Th' others +to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th' plumage iv a +bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets her buy his +cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes to him +which he smokes.</p> +<p>"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral +side iv it. What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. +We're th' most onselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles +iv th' neighborhood ar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me +own. If ye shed a tear f'r anny person but wan ye lose ye'er +latch-key, but havin' no wan in partiklar to sympathize with I'm +supposed to sympathize with ivry wan. On th' conthry if ye have +anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th' overburdened +shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I must bear thim +alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say: 'Oh, +he's a gay dog. Sarves him right.' An' if he goes on complainin' +he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes +to ye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes +cryin', an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick +th' widow O'Brien on me.</p> +<p>"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid +home without th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' +chair or in th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I +live in gr-reat luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' +manny things that it can't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on +th' flure an' chandyleers hang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at +night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry wine, port wine, champagne, beer, +whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weiss beer, cream de mint, curaso, an' +binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhraw at an opeem pipe an' +r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman's hand wudden't +help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away, th' +beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business broke +into th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ile +paintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off +a frame that cost me two dollars iv good money.' If they knew that +th' on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a +thrunk an' that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me +clothes, an' that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's +now a life-size plaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at +th' end iv a chain.</p> +<p>"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran +that's escaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult +position with honor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so +dangerous as whin she's sorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' +rises to her lips an' th' nurse light comes into her eyes, I know +'tis time f'r me to take me hat an' go. An' if th' hat's not handy +I go without it.</p> +<p>"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear +ladies. But I say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on +ye'er best frinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us +bachelors have saved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we +th' hope iv th' future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' +onmarrid ladies ar-re to marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, +they must look forward to. We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're +bachelors because we can't make a choice. Ye all look so lovely to +us that we hate to bring th' tears into th' eyes iv others iv ye be +marryin' some iv ye. Considher our onforchnit position an' be kind. +Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'r slaves. Don't thry to +coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. If ye tax us there's +hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't fling his five +dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th' +expense.'"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_RISING_OF_THE_SUBJECT_RACES" id= +"THE_RISING_OF_THE_SUBJECT_RACES"></a>THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT +RACES</h2> +<p>"Ye'er frind Simpson was in here awhile ago," said Mr. Dooley, +"an' he was that mad."</p> +<p>"What ailed him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "it seems he wint into me frind Hip +Lung's laundhry to get his shirt an' it wasn't ready. Followin' +what Hogan calls immemoryal usage, he called Hip Lung such names as +he cud remimber and thried to dhrag him around th' place be his +shinin' braid. But instead iv askin' f'r mercy, as he ought to, Hip +Lung swung a flat-iron on him an' thin ironed out his spine as he +galloped up th' stairs. He come to me f'r advice an' I advised him +to see th' American consul. Who's th' American consul in Chicago +now? I don't know. But Hogan, who was here at th' time, grabs him +be th' hand an' says he: 'I congratulate ye, me boy,' he says. 'Ye +have a chance to be wan iv th' first martyrs iv th' white race in +th' gr-reat sthruggle that's comin' between thim an' th' smoked or +tinted races iv th' wurruld,' he says. 'Ye'll be another Jawn +Brown's body or Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Go back an' let th' Chink kill +ye an' cinchries hence people will come with wreathes and ate +hard-biled eggs on ye'er grave,' he says.</p> +<p>"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was +a retail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, +though he got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' +sthreet an' he thought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. +So he wint away.</p> +<p>"Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us +blondes since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' +gr-reatest prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that +foresees throuble. No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that +prophesized pleasant days. A successful weather prophet is wan that +predicts thunder storms, hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good +financial prophet is wan that predicts panics; a pollytickal +prophet must look into th' tea leaves an' see th' institutions iv +th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling not to say grinnin', +fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's laid waste with +fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'm onhappy about +to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyest man in +th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' to +happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy +to-day because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is +goin' to be. Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic +next Saturdah.' Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic.'</p> +<p>"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. +He cudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv +wan through three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' +most blindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He's +predicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand +that haven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United +States navy wud be so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young +fellow to row his girl in Union Park. He can see a war cloud where +I can't see annything but somebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' +his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reat foreign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r +th' job f'r he's best late at night.</p> +<p>"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' +wurruld to rejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' +us black and blue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in +thim eggs or I'll throw ye in th' fire. 'Yassir,' says Sam. +'Comin',' he says. 'Twas: 'Wow Chow, while ye'er idly stewin' me +cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaid bills.' I wud feel repaid be a +kick,' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'Maharajah Sewar, swing th' fan +swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip.' 'Higgins +Sahib,' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawd an' +Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. +My blood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. +'Twas thine old man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle +up f'r eighty days. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's +flesh cooked f'r breakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' +ye?'</p> +<p>"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans +were starved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has +passed around an' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' +up. He says they have aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates +ours be miles. They have no wires or poles or wathered stock but +th' population is so thick that whin they want to sind wurrud along +th' line all they have to do is f'r wan man to nudge another an' +something happens in Northern Chiny is known in Southern Indya +befure sunset. And so it passed through th' undherwurruld that th' +color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an' Hogan says that +almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin' through a +window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in a basement +instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'll be +settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' +watchin' ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' +wondhrn' whin th' lynchin' party'll arrive.</p> +<p>"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so +much in thim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan +thin I have iv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty +cow. I have often leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' +his cow. Sometimes I wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good +an' large a cow as that shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. +But if Dorgan's cow shud stand up on her hind legs, kick over the +bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th' lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab +hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin shootin' at me, I wudden't be more +surprised thin I am at th' idee iv Japan bein' wan iv th' nations +iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th' subjick races got to kick +about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to thim. We sint thim +missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their relligyon an' +nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin' people like +betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny means +where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an' excitin' +locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that cud +pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd +yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what +was wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose +to th' dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No +Chinyman cud fail to be pleased at seem' a tall Englishman hittin' +th' Chinyman's grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint +explorers up th' Nile who raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into +th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a fact that th' naygurs had known +f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces that he has changed th' +names iv these wather-coorses to Smith, Blifkins an' Winkinson. He +wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he iver ate a native alive. +But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a counthry an' Sir Alfred +is no viggytaryan.</p> +<p>"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've +done so much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with +war. Th' Chinese won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' +missionaries out iv their cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a +chance to carry away their piannies or their silverware. There's +th' divvle to pay all along th' levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, +accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel onaisy. Th' first thing we know +all th' other subjick races will be up. Th' horses will kick an' +bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we lick thim, th' +fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will set fire +to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against th' +white man.</p> +<p>"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y +funny whin it's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped +laughin' at Jap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' +I'm gettin' over that feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' +so scared as whin something he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns +on him. If a fellow man hits him he hits him back. But if a dog +bites him he yells 'mad dog' an' him an' th' neighbors pound th' +dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygurs down South iver got +together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no more coon songs f'r +awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it out iv us an' +we ar-re about th' same as th' rest."</p> +<p>"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at +us together?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp +us."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to +speak more acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been +infeeryor too long to change. It's got to be a habit with +thim."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="PANICS" id="PANICS"></a>PANICS</h2> +<p>"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim +impechuse prooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv +fi-nance, cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are +ye not? I see be th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have +been a brave man; ye have had faith in th' future iv our counthry; +ye have perceived that our financial institutions are sound if they +are nawthin' else. Ye undherstand that it's upon th' +self-resthraint iv men like th' likes iv ye that th' whole credit +iv th' nation depinds. I read it in the pa-apers an' 'tis thrue. +Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'y way ye or me cud +rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be be means iv a +brace an' bit.</p> +<p>"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to +George B. Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. +Rockyfellar, th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' +clearing out comity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that +have stood firmly with their backs to th' wall an' declared that +anny money taken out iv their institutions wud be taken over their +dead bodies. They have behaved as American gintlemen shud behave +whin foorce iv circumstances compels thim to behave that way. But +if, in this tur-rible imergency I am obliged to tell th' truth, +I've got to confess to ye that th' thanks iv th' nation, a little +bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boys that niver had a +cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They have disturbed none iv +our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance has turned green to +see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life through a closed +payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv a hammer +can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther a pearl +necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, has +throubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' +other mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall +Sthreet an' though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan +continyal panic I felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye +go by with ye'er shovel on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. +I wanted to rush to th' tillygraft office and wire me frind J. +Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be downcast. It's all right. I just see +Hinnissy go by with his shovel.'</p> +<p>"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that +causes panics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' +money. Th' top iv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard +times is good times. Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his +shouldher dodgin' eight thousand autymobills I begin to think 'tis +time to put me money in me boot."</p> +<p>"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. +Hennessy. "What does it all mean?"</p> +<p>"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. +Dooley. 'Tis what is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r +the sake iv argymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r +th' sake iv argymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you +wudden't be at anny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' +shoes. But supposin' fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye +get two dollars a day f'r makin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye +take part of ye'er ill-gotten gains an' leave it with me f'r +dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' money over to th' shoe store an' +buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th' fellow at th' shoe store +puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss. Ye'er boss sees ye're +dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv things th' distillery +business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to a distiller. +Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an' havin' +fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I owe +th' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money +f'r th' shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He +goes over to th' bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in +a window. An' there ye are. That's credit.</p> +<p>"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan +th' banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though +an earthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory +an' a jail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks +as solid as though th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv +him. See him with his goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl +buttons iv his vest. He niver give me much more thin a nod out iv +th' north-east corner iv his left eyebrow, but he was always very +kind an' polite to Mulligan, th' little tailor. Except that I +thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r me an' none at all f'r +Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on a corner near th' +bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'rite journal in +wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is a coward,' says +Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys public confidence,' +says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv his life,' says +I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,' says I. +'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th' likes +iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I. +'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's as +sthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it +up,' says he. An' he wint.</p> +<p>"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. +Panics an' circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv +th' poor. An' a time iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't +too much. A little while ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper +annything about th' fellow that had his money in th' bank anny more +thin ye'd read about th' spectators at a prize fight. 'Twas all +what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'. 'Who's that man with th' +plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin' joint?' 'That's th' +prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's that shakin' dice at +th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrust comp'ny.' An' so +it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal to th' good sense +iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, but it might +just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here, Mulligan, +me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther. It's +got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our heads +but a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash or +on-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher +th' situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' +pathritism, th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' +face iv great danger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' +hole. Regards to Mrs. Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't +answer in person (signed) Jawn D. Rockyfellar.'</p> +<p>"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble +be havin' money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second +place. Mulligan will settle it all be carryin' his money back to +th' bank where money belongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, +me boy. Cheer up. 'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or +some time. 'Tis wan good thing about this here wurruld, that +nawthin' lasts long enough to hurt. I have been through manny a +panic. I cud handle wan as well as Morgan. Panics cause thimsilves +an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do I blame for this wan? Grogan +blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blames Mulligan; to-morrah he +won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will be over. I blame no +wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, be brave, be ca'm +an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy in th' wurruld, +an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him to shovel, we'll +be all right, or pretty near all right.</p> +<p>"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked +Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick +just as it jumped off th' roof."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="OCEAN_TRAVEL" id="OCEAN_TRAVEL"></a>OCEAN TRAVEL</h2> +<p>"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come +acrost th' Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord +at Liverpool on Saturday were in New York Friday afthernoon."</p> +<p>"But that's more thin four days."</p> +<p>"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out +th' way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt +limited has broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York +(Harrisburg) to Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours.' But with a +steamboat 'tis different. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' +what's left is th' v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean +greyhound or levithin iv th' seas has broken all records iv +transatlantic passages except thim made be th' Germans. She has +thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th' coast iv Ireland +that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook lightship) in four or +five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves.' So if ye've anny +frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim did they +swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If they +didn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it +takes to cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' +house to boordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on +th' time ye go to bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over +on a five-day boat has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his +wife what he did with th' other two days. No record iv +thransatlantic thravel takes into account th' longest, roughest an' +most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is through th' New York +custom house.</p> +<p>"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud +cross th' Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy +to think iv him crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row +iv office buildings. Th' grand times they must've had. Time was +whin a man got on a boat an' was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, +be hivens, through th' wondhers iv modhern science he's hardly +settled down to a cigar an' a game iv pinochle with another +fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy comes down th' +deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad tidings +fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his +furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' +other hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' +levithin. Just as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a +desert island or floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an +undershirt she picks up th' pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' +ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His +attintions to a widow from Omaha are most marked. They make a +handsome couple.'</p> +<p>"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new +boat. In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left +Liverpool and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. +Now ye r-read iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie +in th' billyard tournymint was played off last night. Th' +resthrants are crowded nightly an' great throngs are seen in Main +Sthreet undher th' brilliant illuminations. Th' public gardens are +in full bloom an' are much frequented be childher rollin' hoops and +sailin' boats in th' artificial lake. Th' autymobill speedway gives +gr-reat satisfaction. Th' opening day iv th' steeplechase races was +a success. Th' ilivator in th' left annex fell thirteen stories +Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th' brokerage house iv Conem an' +Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiver to-day. Th' failure was +due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend anny more money on hat +pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church is undher repair. Th' +_Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color presses an' will begin +printin' a colored supplement Sunday next.' An' so it goes. It +ain't a boat at all. It's a city.</p> +<p>"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it +says it's a boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time,' says I, 'in this +floatin' palace, atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at +th' beautifully jooled ladies,' says I. 'Ah,' says I, 'th' wondhers +iv science that cud put together a conthrivance th' like iv that,' +says I. 'It's a boat,' says he. 'That's th' best I can say about +it,' says he. 'Did ye not glide noiselessly through th' wather?' +says I? 'I did not,' says he. 'Divvle th' glide. We bumped along +pretty fast an' th' injines made noises like injines an' th' ship +creaked like anny ship.' 'An' wasn't th' food fine?' 'It depinded +on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days, an' too much +iv it on other days.' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?' 'No wan +knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' lady +that searched thim at th' custom house.</p> +<p>"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley,' says he. 'A boat's a boat. +That's all it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on +land. A millyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a +longshoreman on earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way +down to th' steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I +says to mesilf: I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental +luxury. Whin I got aboord th' decks were crowded with happy people +worryin' about their baggage an' wondherin' already whether th' +inspector in New York wud get onto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. +I give th' old an' enfeebled English gintleman that carried me +satchel a piece iv silver. He touched his cap to me an' says Cue. +Cue is th' English f'r I thank ye kindly in Irish. He carrid me bag +downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin' down an' down till we touched +bottom, thin we rambled through long lanes neatly decorated with +steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel. That was me +boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsome berths in +it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypied be a +gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'm +London an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief +an' wint up on th' roof iv th' ship.</p> +<p>"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv +ladies were stretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, +pretindin' to read an' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. +Three or four hundherd men had begun to walk around th' ship with +their hands folded behind thim. A poker game between four rale +poker players an' a man that didn't know th' game but had sharp +finger-nails was already started in th' smokin'-room. About that +time I begun to have a quare sinsation. I haven't been able to find +out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary. I wasn't sea-sick, +mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin' in me +forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kind +iv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' +thried to look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I +didn't have anny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't +like th' smell iv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to +make th' place in me head worse. Sivral times I wint to th' +dinin'-room intindin' to jine th' jovyal comp'ny there but quit at +th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don't know how to account f'r it. +Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage, but sivral hundherd +who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beef tea on deck +spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it to th' +ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker as +to a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it +was th' most important ivint iv th' passage.</p> +<p>"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find +annybody that wud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing +to have to force money on an Englishman in a uniform like an +admiral's an' talkin' with an accent that manny iv th' finest +people on th' deck were thryin' to imitate, but I schooled mesilf +to it. An' sthrange to say they niver refused. They were even +betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whin th' fellow that +pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r me touched me on +th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eye that made +me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call five bobs +over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. He +touched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done +wan thing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected +with th' legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud +hand a piece iv change to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' +Conyard line has passed a dividend. They ought to make a merger +with th' head stoort,' says he.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a +hotel. But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it +'tis wondherful that anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. +Th' Atlantic Ocean is a fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv +wather just th' same. It wasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye +cud put ye'er foot through it annywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. +Th' on'y time a human being can float in it is afther he's dead. A +man throws a horseshoe into it an' th' horseshoe sinks. This makes +him cross an' he builds a boat iv th' same mateeryal as a millyon +horseshoes, loads it up with machinery, pushes it out on th' +billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as ye plaze. If he +didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dure off its +hinges an' go on that.</p> +<p>"All ye have to do is to tell him there's land on th' other side +iv th' ragin' flood an' he'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at +it.' Ye talk about th' majesty iv th' ocean but what about th' +majesty iv this here little sixty-eight be eighteen inches bump iv +self-reliance that treats it like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a +wondher to me that th' ocean don't get tired iv growlin' an' +roarin' at th' race iv men. They don't pay anny heed to it's +hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it as though it was a +good dog. 'How lovely our ocean looks undher our moon.' Whin it +rises in its wrath they show their contimpt f'r it be bein' +sea-sick into it. But no matther how it behaves they niver quit +usin' its face f'r a right iv way. They'll niver subjoo it but it +niver bates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little +man's sthruggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a +decision on points."</p> +<p>"Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land," said Mr. +Hennessy. "Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?"</p> +<p>"Not," said Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats +on throlleys."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WORK" id="WORK"></a>WORK</h2> +<p>"Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Not yet," said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' +mills to-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now."</p> +<p>"Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Ye bet I will," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand +firm be union principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there +these days. I wudden't mind havin' a few weeks off."</p> +<p>"Ye'll do right to quit," said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy +with sthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have +with people goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's +vacation. If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' +men that have made our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth +iv th' wurruld—if I had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' +constitution, which thank Gawd I haven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all +th' time durin' th' heated term. I'd begin sthrikin' whin th' +flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'd stay on sthrike till +'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th' baseball park. Ye +bet I wud.</p> +<p>"I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time. +Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th' +summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, +fannin' th' cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, +whin th' main guy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r +exceedin' th' speed limit, whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at +nights an' th' Sox have started a batting sthreak, th' son iv +Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling calls him, begins to think iv +th' rights iv labor.</p> +<p>"Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about +his rights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss +an' saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, +but so are picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same +not gettin' up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r +th' first time in their good clothes an' th' same thumpin' +sthrangers over th' head with a brick. Afther awhile th' main guy +comes home fr'm th' seaside, raises wages twinty per cent, fires +th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygate as a specyal +partner.</p> +<p>"But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our +industhreel system blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' +foundhry thin in th' home. There is no hearth as ample in anny +man's home as th' hearth th' Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It +is pleasant to see th' citizen afther th' rigors iv a night at home +hurryin' to th' mills to toast his numbed limbs in th' warm glow iv +th' Bessemer furnace. About this time th' main guy takes a look at +the thermometer an' chases th' specyal partner out iv th' office +with th' annual report iv th' Civic Featheration. He thin summons +his hardy assocyates about him an' says he: 'Boys, I will no longer +stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions. Conditions has changed since +last summer. It's grown much colder. I do not care f'r the money at +stake, but there is a great principle involved. I cannot consint to +have me business run be outsiders at a cost iv near thirty thousand +dollars a year,' says he. An' there's a lockout.</p> +<p>"'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get +me sympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me +sympathy f'r th' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm +his toil an' that has to sweat through August with no chanst iv +gettin' a day in th' open onless th' milishy are ordhered out an' +thin whin he goes back to wurruk th' chances are somebody's got his +job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' man returns with his pockets full +iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be the main guy. If I was +rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a son iv Marthy I'd +be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin' season. +They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry not to +meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayers +always time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to +be done.</p> +<p>"No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' +man whin he's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft +op'rators that have laid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as +though they were sufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft +op'rator come home last week with a smile on his face. 'I have good +news f'r ye, mother,' says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope +sthrugglin' with fear in her face. 'Ye've guessed it,' says he. 'We +weren't exactly ordhered out. Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a +series iv sharp whistles fr'm the walkin' dillygate, but, whin that +didn't come an' we were tired iv waitin' th' report iv th' baseball +game come over th' wires an' we mistook that f'r a signal. Ye must +get the childher ready f'r a day in th' counthry. We can't tell how +soon this sthruggle again th' greed iv capital will be declared off +an' we must make th' most iv it while it lasts,' says he.</p> +<p>"I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key +that has a fine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be +up in time to flag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number +thirty-two goes through at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into +each other, turn switches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps +an' hand out time tables an' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations +he dhraws down all th' way fr'm fifteen to twinty dollars a week. +An' he wants to sthrike. An' th' pa-apers say if he does he'll tie +up our impeeryal railroad systems. Think iv that. I never had much +iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver done f'r me was to misspell me +name. He's a little thin man that cudden't lift an eighth iv beer +with both hands, but he's that important if he leaps his job we'll +all have to walk.</p> +<p>"I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv +th' Liquor Dealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher +me to lay down me lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But +nawthin' iv th' kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud +care a sthraw. Th' whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me +frind Ike Simpson, the tillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but +me or Pierpont Morgan might quit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. +Supposin' Rockyfellar an' Pierpont Morgan an' Jim Hill shud form a +union, an' shud demand a raise iv a millyon dollars a year, +reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hour ivry week, th' +closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wan allowed to +make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrike comity +waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light a +seegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our +flannel shirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher.</p> +<p>"We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not +submit. F'r years we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are +plenty iv men to take ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at +first but they'll soon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can +bang th' dure afther ye.' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have +thryin' to persuade ye be peaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think +iv him on th' dead line thryin' to coax ye not to go in but to +stand by him as he would sit on ye if you were in th' same +position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'er coat in his hands as ye +plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort to vilence. Th' stock +exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud be called out an' +afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with their hats in their +hands an' find their old places took be other men.</p> +<p>"No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis +a sthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a +man gets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld +that he shud go on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a +combination wedding an' divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head +about him. But if ye shud go to Paris—excuse me f'r laughin' +mesilf black in th' face—th' industhrees iv the counthry +pines away.</p> +<p>"An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts +to. We cud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but +we'd have a divvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on +th' fellow that dhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him +ye'd niver be able to pursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon +iv pushin' th' barrow. Whin Andhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on +wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'll have to come back. P'raps +that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't get more iv thim little +pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv a Saturdah night. If +he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to be kept in +thrainin'.</p> +<p>"Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a +little money an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him +happy, too. I don't mean coarse, mateeryal happiness like private +yachts an' autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. +I mean something entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I +see in th' pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness +was hard wurruk. 'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a +hall an' preach it in Newport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy +Road where wurruk abounds. I don't want to be run in f'r incitin' a +riot.</p> +<p>"This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' +time to. He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre +lot. There's nawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at +night with his nose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame +home an' dhreams iv cinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he +walks in his sleep to wake th' cow that left th' call f'r four +o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'r feedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. +Th' sun arises as usual in th' east an' bein' a keen student iv +nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to put in his hat. Breakfast +follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin' at nine-three. +Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on a bicycle +seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, with nawthin' +but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with. An' so +he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get in ear-shot +iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'm sufferin' +his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tis +sthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday.</p> +<p>"No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good +f'r anny man. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' +stomach's sake an' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye +mind. But a gr-reat deal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, +will hurt anny man that indulges in it. So, though I don't +sympathize with sthrikers, I congratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, +while the iron is hot an' ye'er most needed to pound it into a +horseshoe. An' especially wud I advise ivrybody to sthrike whin th' +weather is hot."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DRUGS" id="DRUGS"></a>DRUGS</h2> +<p>"What ails ye?" asked Mr. Dooley of Mr. Hennessy, who looked +dejected.</p> +<p>"I'm a sick man," said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Since th' picnic?"</p> +<p>"Now that I come to think iv it, it did begin th' day afther th' +picnic," said Mr. Hennessy. "I've been to see Dock O'Leary. He give +me this an' these here pills an' some powdhers besides. An' d'ye +know, though I haven't taken anny iv thim yet, I feel betther +already."</p> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a +doctor. A man that's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers +to enjye life. Th' likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, +peaceful day in th' counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a +football in th' sun an' ivry fifteen minyits or so washin' down a +couple of dill-pickles with a bottle of white pop. Th' next day ye +get what's comin' to ye in th' right place an' bein' a sthrong, +hearty man that cudden't be kilt be annything less thin a safe +fallin' on ye fr'm a twenty-story building ye know ye ar-re goin' +to die. Th' good woman advises a mustard plasther but ye scorn th' +suggestion. What good wud a mustard plasther be again this fatal +epidemic that is ragin' inside iv ye? Besides a mustard plasther +wud hurt. So th' good woman, frivilous crather that she is, goes +back to her wurruk singin' a light chune. She knows she's goin' to +have to put up with ye f'r some time to come. A mustard plasther, +Hinnissy, is th' rale test iv whether a pain is goin' to kill ye or +not. If the plasther is onbearable ye can bet th' pain undherneath +it is not.</p> +<p>"But ye know ye are goin' to die an' ye're not sure whether +ye'll send f'r Father Kelly or th' doctor. Ye finally decide to +save up Father Kelly f'r th' last an' ye sind f'r th' Dock. Havin' +rescued ye fr'm th' jaws iv death two or three times befure whin ye +had a sick headache th' Dock takes his time about comin', but just +as ye are beginnin' to throw ye'er boots at th' clock an' show +other signs iv what he calls rigem mortar, he rides up in his fine +horse an' buggy. He gets out slowly, one foot at a time, hitches +his horse an' ties a nose bag on his head. Thin he chats f'r two +hundherd years with th' polisman on th' beat. He tells him a good +story an' they laugh harshly.</p> +<p>"Whin th' polisman goes his way th' Dock meets th' good woman at +th' dure an' they exchange a few wurruds about th' weather, th' bad +condition iv th' sthreets, th' health iv Mary Ann since she had th' +croup an' ye'ersilf. Ye catch th' wurruds, 'Grape Pie,' 'Canned +Salmon,' 'Cast-iron digestion.' Still he doesn't come up. He tells +a few stories to th' childher. He weighs th' youngest in his hands +an' says: 'That's a fine boy ye have, Mrs. Hinnissy. I make no +doubt he'll grow up to be a polisman.' He examines th' phottygraft +album an' asks if that isn't so-an'-so. An' all this time ye lay +writhin' in mortal agony an' sayin' to ye'ersilf: 'Inhuman +monsther, to lave me perish here while he chats with a callous +woman that I haven't said annything but What? to f'r twinty +years.'</p> +<p>"Ye begin to think there's a conspiracy against ye to get ye'er +money befure he saunters into th' room an' says in a gay tone: +'Well, what d'ye mane be tyin' up wan iv th' gr-reat industhrees iv +our nation be stayin' away fr'm wurruk f'r a day?' 'Dock,' says ye +in a feeble voice, 'I have a tur'ble pain in me abdumdum. It +reaches fr'm here to here,' makin' a rough sketch iv th' burned +disthrict undher th' blanket. 'I felt it comin' on last night but I +didn't say annything f'r fear iv alarmin' me wife, so I simply +groaned,' says ye.</p> +<p>"While ye ar-re describin' ye'er pangs, he walks around th' room +lookin' at th' pictures. Afther ye've got through he comes over an +says: 'Lave me look at ye'er tongue. 'Hum,' he says, holdin' ye'er +wrist an' bowin' through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet +car. 'Does that hurt?' he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' +suburbs iv th' pain. 'Ye know it does,' says ye with a groan. +'Don't do that again. Ye scratched me.' He hurls ye'er wrist back +at ye an' stands at th' window lookin' out at th' firemen acrost +th' sthreet playin' dominoes. He says nawthin' to ye an' ye feel +like th' prisoner while th' foreman iv th' jury is fumblin' in his +inside pocket f'r th' verdict. Ye can stand it no longer. 'Dock,' +says he, 'is it annything fatal? I'm not fit to die but tell me th' +worst an' I will thry to bear it. 'Well,' says he, 'ye have a +slight interioritis iv th' semi-colon. But this purscription ought +to fix ye up all right. Ye'd betther take it over to th' dhrug +sthore an' have it filled ye'ersilf. In th' manetime I'd advise ye +to be careful iv ye'er dite. I wudden't ate annything with glass or +a large percintage iv plasther iv Paris in it.' An' he goes away to +write his bill.</p> +<p>"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver +can read his purscription. F'r all ye know, it may be a short note +to th' dhruggist askin' him to hit ye on th' head with a pestle. +An' it's a good thing ye can't read it. If ye cud, ye'd say: 'I'll +not cash this in at no dhrug store. I'll go over to Dooley's an' +get th' rale thing.' So, afther thryin' to decipher this here +corner iv a dhress patthern, ye climb into ye'er clothes f'r what +may be ye'er last walk up Ar-rchy Road. As ye go along ye begin to +think that maybe th' Dock knows ye have th' Asiatic cholery an' was +onl'y thryin' to jolly ye with his manner iv dealin' with ye. As ye +get near th' dhrug store ye feel sure iv it, an' 'tis with th' air +iv a man without hope that ye hand th' paper to a young pharmycist +who is mixin' a two-cent stamp f'r a lady customer. He hands it +over to a scientist who is compoundin' an ice-cream soda f'r a +child, with th' remark: 'O'Leary's writin' is gettin' worse an' +worse. I can't make this out at all.' 'Oh,' says th' chemist, +layin' down his spoon, 'that's his old cure f'r th' bellyache. +Ye'll find a bucket iv it in th' back room next to th' coal +scuttle.'</p> +<p>"It's a gr-reat medicine he give ye. It will do ye good no +matther what ye do with it. I wud first thry poorin' some iv it in +me hair. If that don't help ye see how far ye can throw th' bottle +into th' river. Ye feel betther already. Ye ought to write to th' +medical journals about th' case. It is a remarkable cure. +'M—— H—— was stricken with excruciating +tortures in th' gastric regions followin' an unusually severe +outing in th' counthry. F'r a time it looked as though it might be +niciss'ry to saw out th' infected area, but as this wud lave an +ugly space between legs an' chin, it was determined to apply Jam. +Gin. VIII. Th' remedy acted instantly. Afther carryin' th' bottle +uncorked f'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed +signs iv recovery an' is now again in his accustomed health.'</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' +all th' time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into +whin I wasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no +good. An' that wud be most iv me cases.</p> +<p>"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. +'Ye'ers is a very thrying pro-fissyon,' says I. 'It is,' says he. +'I'm tired out,' says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases +to-day?' says I. 'It isn't that,' says he, 'but I'm not a very +muscular man,' he says, 'an' some iv th' windows in these old frame +houses are hard to open,' he says. Th' Dock don't believe much in +dhrugs. He says that if he wasn't afraid iv losin' his practice he +wudn't give annybody annything but quinine an' he isn't sure about +that. He says th' more he practises medicine th' more he becomes a +janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. He says if people wud on'y +call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolish ivry disease in th' +ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he's lookin' forward to +th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll hear a voice +sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well in his +life.' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th' +horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a +pipeful iv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block.'</p> +<p>"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him or +annything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' +doctor was th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er +mustache, give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while +ye were havin' ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv +doctors has had their favrite remedies. Wanst people were cured iv +fatal maladies be applications iv blind puppies, hair fr'm the +skulls iv dead men an' solutions iv bat's wings, just as now +they're cured be dhrinkin' a tayspoonful iv a very ordhinary +article iv booze that's had some kind iv a pizenous weed dissolved +in it.</p> +<p>"Dhrugs, says Dock O'Leary, are a little iv a pizen that a +little more iv wud kill ye. He says that if ye look up anny poplar +dhrug in th' ditchnry ye'll see that it is 'A very powerful pizen +of great use in medicine.' I took calomel at his hands f'r manny +years till he told me that it was about the same thing they put +into Rough on Rats. Thin I stopped. If I've got to die, I want to +die on th' premises.</p> +<p>"But, as he tells me, ye can't stop people from takin' dhrugs +an' ye might as well give thim something that will look important +enough to be inthrojuced to their important an' fatal cold in th' +head. If ye don't, they'll leap f'r the patent medicines. Mind ye, +I haven't got annything to say again patent medicines. If a man wud +rather take thim thin dhrink at a bar or go down to Hop Lung's f'r +a long dhraw, he's within his rights. Manny a man have I known who +was a victim iv th' tortures iv a cigareet cough who is now livin' +comfortable an' happy as an opeem fiend be takin' Doctor Wheezo's +Consumption Cure. I knew a fellow wanst who suffered fr'm spring +fever to that extent that he niver did a day's wurruk. To-day, +afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home not on'y with +th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is a dhrug store +on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloons onless +th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine or +chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinal +minigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile."</p> +<p>"Don't ye iver take dhrugs?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Niver whin I'm well," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I'm sick, I'm so +sick I'd take annything."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_BROKEN_FRIENDSHIP" id="A_BROKEN_FRIENDSHIP"></a>A +BROKEN FRIENDSHIP</h2> +<p>"Hogan was in here just now," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me +he was talkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to +have war with th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. +Befure very long thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand +us a crack in th' eye an' thin ye'll see throuble."</p> +<p>"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Divvle a thing can I make out iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan +says we've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much +fightin' I'd do f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, +which ar-re a blamed nuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're +about as vallyable as a toy balloon to a horse-shoer, we've got to +grab a lot iv th' surroundin' dampness to protect thim. That's wan +reason why we're sure to have war. Another reason is that th' Japs +want to sind their little forty-five-year-old childher to be +iddycated in th' San Francisco public schools. A third reason why +it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Alderman is that they'd been +dhrinkin' together.</p> +<p>"Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this +counthry cud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little +Oryentals? Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' +home fr'm th' bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around +th' top iv a Jap's head while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately +about th' waist an' they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo.' D'ye +raymimber how we hollered with joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his +foot through th' bottom iv a man-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we +cheered in th' theaytre to see th' cute little sojers iv th' +Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyan moojiks with masheen guns. +An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone a thousand miles into Rooshyan +territory an' were about busted an' ayether had to stop fightin' or +not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, ye know who I mean, +jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It's gone far enough +to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An th' angel iv peace brooded over th' +earth an' crowed lustily.</p> +<p>"Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column +next to th' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' +defeat iv Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw +a Jap annywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink.</p> +<p>"Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little +people. How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' +wurruld was akel to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot +straighter an' oftener thin anny other nation. A Jap cud march +three hundred miles a day f'r eight days with nawthin' to eat. They +were highly civvylized. It was an old civvylization but not tainted +be age. Millyons iv years befure th' first white man set fut in +Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th' mannyfacther iv patent wringers, +sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones, autymobills, ice-cream +freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv our boasted Westhren +divilopement.</p> +<p>"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a +Jap soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home +to have his head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. +Their treatment iv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. +Cinchries ago befure th' higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv +in this counthry, th' poorest man in Japan cud sind his daughter to +a tea-house, which is th' same as our female siminaries, where she +remained till she gradyated as th' wife iv some proud noble iv th' +old Samuri push.</p> +<p>"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist +O'Casey's pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked +up her back, was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' +gr-reatest athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud +throw Johnson over a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which +a Jap rassler cud blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his +ankle. They were th' finest soordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a +Japanese soordsman wint into a combat he made such faces that his +opponent dhropped his soord an' thin he uttered a bloodcurdlin' +cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fifty times over th' head iv +th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eight hundred an' ninety-six, +give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud 'tag,' an' clove him to +th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classes engaged in business. +Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade but started banks an' got +all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance. He cud devote +his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he got two +dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch +iv art that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they +had us beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld +an' formerly friends iv th' Prisidint.</p> +<p>"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' +pa-apers. I invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' +Lord hadn't given me two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this +alkiline nose, but a nose like an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons +f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap an' belong to th' higher +civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that used to come in here with +him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a cook an' a student +in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hour about th' +beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh, wondherful +land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherry blossoms a' +gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' says Prince +Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I +salute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' +may ye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. +Banzai,' says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help +on th' cause, Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's +collection f'r eighteen dollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm +in th' rain an' th' next mornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his +new overcoat an' th' rest was meltin' all over th' flure.</p> +<p>"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' +two gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time +Hogan got th' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan +outrage news both stopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known +fi-nanceer who thravelled to Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction +to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidint beginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a +brick put through his hat as he wint to visit th' foorth assistant +to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant to th' plumber iv th' +bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to his Majesty +that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little later a +number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive in +person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him +talkin' ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be +th' warmth iv their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' +Rooshyan counsel. Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our +life-long frind an' ally were shot while hookin' seals fr'm our +side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was +discovered payin' a socyal visit to th' Ph'lippeens. He had with +him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line men, surveyin' tools, +a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv dinnymite bombs. Last +month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th' Prisidint: 'Most +gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun, austere an' +patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign attintion +that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin' childher +who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th' first +reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, we adore +ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud've +shook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove +our affection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to +visit ye'er shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand +th' school system is well worth studyin'.'</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years +ago with blood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything +will happen. Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has +announced that rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm +larnin' his a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, +flood, dinnymite, an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a +pretty good bump lately an' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r +an invasion. Out there they're beginnin' to talk about what nice +people th' Chinese ar-re compared with our old frinds an' allies. +They say that th' Jap'nese grow up too fast f'r their childher, an' +that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a Jap'nese pupil combin' a set +iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a little lamb,' and if th' +Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools he'll have to load thim +in a cannon an' shoot thim in."</p> +<p>"We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't +stand up befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours."</p> +<p>"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But +maybe we on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. +Wudden't it be th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we +signed a threaty iv peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation +in our eyes handed thim th' Ph'lippeens!"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_ARMY_CANTEEN" id="THE_ARMY_CANTEEN"></a>THE ARMY +CANTEEN</h2> +<p>"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine +sight. Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' +Doherty is th' champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp +Twinty-eight. He had a little th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get +a neck holt, th' warryor havin' no slack to his pants, but he +landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reat to see thim doin' a cart-wheel +down th' sthreet."</p> +<p>"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say +so if ye didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have +been rayformed. Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' +motto iv our brave fellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis +'Wine f'r th' thremblin' debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' +'Tis 'Father, dear father, come home with me now.' An' who did it? +Who is it that improves men an' makes thim more ladylike, an' thin +quits thim, but th' ladies? This here reform was carried out be th' +Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union, no less. Ye see, 'twas +this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theery that dhrink an' +fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye fought ye +drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd iv war, +was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd +iv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to +do th' Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' +says: 'That fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to +stand that?' an' Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker +ar-re behind ivry war.</p> +<p>"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' +sojers. Up at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors +cud go an' besot thimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was +a sad sight to see thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand +marches through th' damp sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in +these temples iv hell an' swillin' down th' hated cochineel that +has made Milwaukee what it is. To this palace iv vice th' inthrepid +definder iv his Nation's honor hastened whin he had completed th' +arjoos round iv his jooties, after he had pressed th' Lootinant's +clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mended th' roof iv th' +Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel's wife, an' +written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th' food. +There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th' +cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an' +thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil +th' bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As +a dillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv +America I've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave +boys in yellow fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what +intellicts they show be goin' into the army. Our organ-ization +petitioned Congress time an' time again to take th' Governmint out +iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin' th' very vitals iv our +sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in this thraffic in +th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whin dacint citizens +were puttin' up their good money a block away an' niver a soul +comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress pay +anny attintion to us? It did not.</p> +<p>"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' Christyan +Timp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at +th' last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they +disthributed copies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' +Booze-Fighter's Finish,' among our sojery. Whin they got up there +they seen a large bunch iv our gallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an +outlyin' building, an' says wan iv thim: 'What can they be in such +a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel. Let us go in.' An' in they +wint.</p> +<p>"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes +was enough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was +gray an' blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made +mankind happy though single f'r four hundred years, an' that next +to alcohol is th' greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' +wretches were playin' cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; +others were indulgin' in music, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r +idleness, while still others were intint on th' furyous game iv +dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell. But worse, still worse, +they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed with unbidden +tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans shtud a +bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellow +flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as +I am to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. But +concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be +th' taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv +America, supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to +upholdin' th' flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv +Aloes, gawd iv beer.</p> +<p>"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not +remain long in this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' +dillygation recovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who +was thryin' to skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a +jack full to his ineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, +d'ye ralize that that bottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' +she says. 'I think ye'er wrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he +says. 'Soon or late,' she says, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' +she says. 'Not me,' says th' vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I +don't care f'r rum. A pleasant companyon, but a gossip. It tells on +ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little iv th' Demon Hot Water an' th' +Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has a perfume to it that is +dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum, madam, is an informer. +Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's a demon,' says he. +'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?' says she. +'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annything sthronger +without desertin,' he says.</p> +<p>"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye +know what a Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this +barroom. Th' on'y thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y +thing I'd be afraid iv, an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' +thing he's most afraid iv is th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud +make Congress repeal th' ten commandments. Not that they'd iver ask +thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make thim ten thousand if they had their +way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.' But, annyhow, th' ladies comity +wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been there befure an' dhriven th' +Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair in th' comity room. A +Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand, an' put his +handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat. 'Ladies,' says +he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th' ar-rmy fr'm +th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an adder,' says +they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th' Congressman with +a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that will dhrink +beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We abolished +public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make th' +Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have +ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, +'th' popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be +outdone. Ye see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out +pops a bottle iv Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. +Whoop-ee!'</p> +<p>"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all +right now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a +block. Some iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have +opened places convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, +instead iv th' corroding beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric +acid to knock-out dhrops. I see wan iv thim stockin' up at a +wholesale dhrug store last week. If the sojers escape th' knock-out +dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes care iv thim. A sojer +gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve dollars he can +devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times eight +hundhred an' twelve times that—well, 'tis no small item in +th' coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv +Saloonkeepers holds its next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send +dillygates to th' Young Ladies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought +to be what th' unions call an affilyated organization."</p> +<p>"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's +right."</p> +<p>"An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' +th' sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's +as much iv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r +a year. I'd give up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to +escape th' throuble I have fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I +don't deny it. I'll admit I'm no betther thin an ordinhry doctor. +Both iv us gives ye something that cures ye iv th' idee that th' +pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th' lungs. If it really is +pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an' ayether ye cure +ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life. Dhrink +niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think he was +betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance has +thrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat +ar-re eppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. +It's a frind to thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those +that love it most. It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go +out. I tell ye 'tis a threacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be +given to ivry man.</p> +<p>"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish +priest to see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. +F'r wan man he'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock +O'Leary does whin he ordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another +he'd write: 'Three times a day at meals.' But most people he +wudden't prescribe it f'r at all.</p> +<p>"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm +proud iv me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to +be a mechanic an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. +No, sir, I wudden't care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld +was dumped to-morrah into th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week +or two afther it was I'd have to get me a diving suit if I wanted +to see annything iv me frinds.</p> +<p>"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried +to reform man, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe +he's not worth reformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be +allowed to pizen himsilf into th' belief that he amounts to +something, but thin they don't undherstand man. They little know +what a bluff he is an' how 'tis on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with +stuff that they regard as iv no use except to burn undher a +tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all. He knows how good +dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. They see how it +makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take it away fr'm +him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he's dhrunk +he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside out as +well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th' +fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an' +something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know +that there is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv +dhrink, an' that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved +that otherwise might've died single."</p> +<p>"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it."</p> +<p>"Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver +been really against it."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THINGS_SPIRITUAL" id="THINGS_SPIRITUAL"></a>THINGS +SPIRITUAL</h2> +<p>"Th' latest thing in science," said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' +human soul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye +befure ye die an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is +what ye'er soul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv +a soul in New England is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he +argies that th' conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' +soul wud be in th' heavyweight class, f'r th' New England +conscience is no feather. He thinks it don't escape with th' soul, +but lies burrid in th' roons iv its old fam'ly home—th' +liver.</p> +<p>"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow +it's simple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see +anny money in it as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul +weighed? Suppose ye'er time has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with +their own thoughts, grievin' because they hadn't been as good to ye +as they might, because they won't have ye with thim anny more, +because it's too late f'r thim to square thimsilves, pityin' ye +because ye'er not remainin' to share their sorrows with thim, +wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were bought in honor iv +what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim in mimry iv +Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th' very +young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to look +as sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. +They nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm +time to time they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to +make a laugh'ble face. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're +surprised he isn't gayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe +he's lost his job. There ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' +sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles as he goes by, an' two iv th' +neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a fine man ye were if ye +didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much.</p> +<p>"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. +F'r th' first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in +ye'er life ye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years +ye've been somebody else. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, +ye'er relations, th' polisman on th' beat, th' doctor, th' +newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th' mills, th' laws iv th' +land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th' tailor, th' barber, +an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held a lookin'-glass in front +iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled ye to make faces in +it. But in this here particular business ye have no wan to please +but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're +akelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or +stay ye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry +whistle an' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science +shakes ye be th' elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out.' An' he +weighs figures: 'Wan hundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' +fifty. Siven fr'm naught can't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten +leaves three. I find that th' soul iv our late laminted frind +weighed a light three pounds avirdoopoise.'</p> +<p>"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't +have their souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' +wurrud go through th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, +what?' 'They had to get an expert accountant to figure its weight, +it was that puny.'</p> +<p>"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin +he entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul +to offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv +us wud have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no +wan can see him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes +rompin' home miles ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell +have to weigh out,' an' a little later a notice is posted up that +Dorgan is disqualified f'r ridin' undherweight in th' matther iv +soul. On th' other hand, there's little Miss Maddigan, th' +seamstress. She's all but left at th' post; she's jostled all th' +way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. But she's th' only wan +iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighs ninety-six +pounds—six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it +soul.</p> +<p>"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their +souls weighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. +Th' people that wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want +to be tested by it. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: +'Misther So-an'-so, th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, +universally regretted. His estate amounts to nineteen millyon +dollars. There ar-re two large bequests to charity. Wan is a thrust +fund set aside f'r his maiden sister Annybelle, who will receive +f'r life th' income on eight hundhred dollars in stock iv th' +Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other is forty-two dollars to buy a +wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein' undherstood that no +charge is to be made be th' estate against th' brother f'r a set iv +false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteen four. Th' balance +iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minor childher until they +ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that his soul be +measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wan +pennyweight.'"</p> +<p>"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I +know it's there, but I think—I kind iv feel—I +wondher—I don't hardly know—"</p> +<p>"I see what ye mean" said Mr. Dooley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re +not to be thrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who +tells time be a clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry +hour is different to me. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in +th' avenin' that pass between two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re +hours in th' arly mornin' whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's +age cud stretch in. Clocks ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re +scales. As soon as annything gets good enough to weigh ye can't +weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other fellow. I'm perfectly willin' +to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's weight fr'm what th' scales +say. Little I care. A pound or two more or less makes no +diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' something that's +precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on a +see-saw.</p> +<p>"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about +annything? I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years +thin anny wan iver wint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know +annything about annything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. +I'm a modest man. Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, +Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye, Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, +Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors, preachers, doctors, +lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't annybody say that +they don't know annything about annything worth knowin' about? +Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure me class +an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a +scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant +as—ye'ersilf. I'll have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm +ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It was obtained be false pretences.'</p> +<p>"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am +mesilf. I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye +don't care annything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral +eye. Nawthin' that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go +over to see Dooley,' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go +over to Dooley's.' I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look +like a row iv model wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch +ye'er silences to. I'm always about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a +millyon Dooleys an' all iv thim sthrangers to ME. I niver know +which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm like a hotel keeper with on'y +wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wan at a time an' tumble +each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th' bottle with a +gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th' wurruld, an' +suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomy wretch +that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'm +just gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross, +cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with +me. An' so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows +an' I know nawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip +iv anny other man, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted.</p> +<p>"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. +Don't thry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if +ye do that enough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've +got to start in believin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er +belief. Our old frind Christopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason +f'r believin' that there was anny such a place as America. But he +believed it without a reason an' thin wint out an' found it. Th' +fellows that discovered th' canals on Mars which other fellows +think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn't anny right to think +there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I wondher if +there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll look an' +see. Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd wondhered an' thin believed +about clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is +proof iv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv +holes in th' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but +they run away fr'm doubt.</p> +<p>"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his +belief. If I see a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him +hollerin', 'Hooray, I've discovered a new planet,' I'll be th' last +man in th' wurruld to brush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. +I've known people that see ghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. +They cud see ghosts an' I cudden't. There wasn't annything else to +it. I knew a fellow that was a Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' +chattel morgedge business on week days an' he was a Spiritulist on +Sunday. He cud understand why th' spirits wud always pick out a +stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that had his thumb mark +registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an' he knew why +spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why they +convarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man +that wud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r +good."</p> +<p>"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost," said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="BOOKS" id="BOOKS"></a>BOOKS</h2> +<p>"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really +invy 'tis me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful +thing is youth. Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff +about th' advantages iv age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We +have wisdom, but we wud rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but +we wud thrade all iv its lessons f'r hope an' teeth.</p> +<p>"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post +grajate coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld +an' watchin' th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how +seeryous. How sure they are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure +iv nawthin'; we laugh but we are not cheerful; we have no romance +about th' colledge. Ye don't hear us givin' nine long cheers f'r +our almy matther. We ain't even thankful f'r th' lessons it teaches +us or th' wallops it hands us whin we f'rget what we've been +taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin' th' school, but +hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more.</p> +<p>"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen +comin' in an' I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our +vin'rable institution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed +la-ads comin' in to waken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their +young voices. I'm sure th' other undhergrajates will like him. He +hasn't been spoiled be bein' th' star iv his school f'r so long, +Charles seems to me to be th' normal healthy boy. He does exactly +what all freshmen in our university do whin they enther. He tells +people what books they shud read an' he invints a new relligon. +Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out iv his +system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven't got +th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' fr +mesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can +get th' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that +if a man was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't +go to sleep without takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, +I shud think that Doctor Eliot's very old vatted books are +comparatively harmless. They are sthrong it is thrue. They will go +to th' head. I wud advise a man who is aisily affected be books to +stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter. But they will hurt no man +who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim out carefully. 'Give me me +tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-foot shelf iv books.' +An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izes that th' first +thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be +decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing. +Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' +table. Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm +th' flure an' hermetically sealed.</p> +<p>"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore +as Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it +shows how broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has +included Milton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is +what ye might call summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe +it to ye, Hinnissy. Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story +an' yet it ain't a problem play. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul +who becomes th' iditor iv a daily newspaper. That is th' beginnin' +iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how it comes out. I don't want to +spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niver guess who committed th' +crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A most injanyous book an' wan +iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were four editions iv thirty +copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-covered copies at +fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches. I'm +not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanst +f'r some manager.</p> +<p>"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell—but +I won't tell ye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical +things in it. I don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is +trashy. It is light, perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat +merit. I can't think iv annything that wud be more agreeable thin +lyin' in a hammock, with a glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a +hot day an' readin' this little jim iv pure English an' havin' a +profissor fr'm colledge within aisy call to tell ye what it all +meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I mane I niver go f'r a long +journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica in me pocket. I +have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returned it. I +have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yet +how few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars +that if ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet +an' out iv ivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on +three, have niver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it +was runnin' ye cudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' +f'r two cinchries it has proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin +anny iv Milton's pomes, f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye +hardly iver hear mentioned in th' sthreet cars at th' prisint +moment, was a pote as well as an author an' blind at that, an', +what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. I wondher if two +hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk iv William +Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they?</p> +<p>"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it +must be grander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read +annything. He ain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' +habit. Long years ago I decided that I cudden't read annything but +th' lightest newspaper with me meals. I seldom read between meals +excipt now an' thin f'r socyability's sake. If I am with people +that are readin' I'm very apt to jine thim so's not to appear to be +bad company. But Hogan is always at it. I wudden't mind if he wint +out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin let it alone. But he reads +whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He reads with his meals. He +is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand book stores. He can't go +on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' other passengers or +invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' their houses. Not a +bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tell ye that +th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an' he'll +talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him read +books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is +always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some +men are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes +Hogan believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. +There ain't annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' +blond heroes. An' he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies +an' frinds, wantin' to desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' +losin' his good money to a hero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use +ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limit ye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' +says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Take soft readin'. How d'ye expict +to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye are goin'? Who wud make a +confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'd divide ye'er customers +into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lend money to th' +villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'r th' +villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th' +heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to +do annything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes +iv me fellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I +wudden't thrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I +see f'r all th' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in +th' wurruld,' says he.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent +get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man +full.' An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him +advised about his books so that he won't hurt himsilf with +lithrachoor that don't come undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad +to welcome our young friend Charles Eliot into our ancient +univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He is sure to make th' team +an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it. 'Tis a gr-reat +colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th' time, +because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done, +on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' +child is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. +Ye niver know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be +about. Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy +turn ye down. But there's wan sure thing—ye'll be grajiated. +Ye'll get th' usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv +annything ye've done, but because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' +old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. +'Pass on, blockhead,' says th' faculty. 'Pass on, +Hinnissy—ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye are. +What'll ye take?"</p> +<p>"I wudden't mind havin' a little"—began Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' +avenin' paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TARIFF" id="THE_TARIFF"></a>THE TARIFF</h2> +<p>"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' +Congressmen are doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor +fellows, steamin' away undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol +thryin' to rejooce th' tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' +same platform with me frind big Bill without endangerin' his life. +Th' likes iv ye wud want to see th' tariff rejooced with a jack +plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has been a good frind to some +iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv some iv th' others an' +they don't intend to be rough with it. A little gentle massage to +rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that is nicissry. +Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, Sinitor +Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender in +some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' +give him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' +last I heerd about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' +emacyated crather ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. +It won't have to be helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny +reduction in its weight. No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it +was heartier thin iver.</p> +<p>"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. +He's a fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me +inthrests well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care +what I read. So he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been +studyin' it f'r a week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. +'Tis full iv action an' romance. I haven't read annythink to akel +it since I used to get th' Dead-wood Dick series.</p> +<p>"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv +th' declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind +iv gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair +Columbia puttin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' +products iv our soil fr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks +an' eyes, artyficial horse hair an' bone casings, which comes +undher th' head iv clothin' an' I suppose is a polite name f'r +pantaloons.</p> +<p>"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's +goin' to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating +luxuries. D'ye know Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to +hear it. He knows ye. Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or +three places. He does so. 'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar +plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin' th' heads iv our young men with his +garish display. Befure this, counthries have perished because iv +th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy. We must presarve th' ideels iv +American simplicity. We'll show this vulgar upstart that he can't +humilyate his fellow citizens be goin' around dhressed up like an +Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, be Hivens. How will we get at +him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty per cent. on ready made +clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit. That'll teach him to +squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar in th' Roo dilly Pay. +We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv forty per cent. on +knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five a dozen. +We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes. +We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says +he.</p> +<p>"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt +ye'er skin—an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' +hide schedule yet—that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark +iv our liberties. It's ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in +wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll have to pay f'r thim. If ye will go on +decoratin' ye'er house with shingles an' paint an' puttin' paper on +th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it with ye'er barbaric taste +f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an' karosene lamps, ye've +got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er wealth too long in +th' face iv a sturdy people.</p> +<p>"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It +ain't so. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. +Th' Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' +pathriotic Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' +free list, if ye don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry +to existence comes in free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. +Here it is. Curling stones. There, I told ye. Curling stones are +free. Ye'll be able to buy all ye'll need this summer f'r +practically nawthin'. No more will ladies comin' into this counthry +have to conceal curling stones in their stockin's to avoid th' +iniquitous customs.</p> +<p>"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv +jooty.' Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye +cud prove that they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or +that ye had worn thim f'r two years in Europe, or that ye were +bringin' thim in f'r scientific purposes or to give a museem, there +was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th' Governmint used to sind +profissyonal humorists down to th' docks to catch th' teeth +smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth in th' face iv +anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't have to put +thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thim +chalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to +hand a five to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids +that I picked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me +through.' No, sir, teeth are free.</p> +<p>"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's +a good thing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir +in his tea. Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can +take th' London _Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. +They've removed th' jooty on Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that +far, but in spite iv th' protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv +Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it fr'm th' list iv jootyable +articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse, an' I'm sure ye'll be +glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soap is on th' free +list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv New York +objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'we +must not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' +poor,' he says. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, +an' I wud not deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So +pulu was put on th' free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin +had to go on, too, as it is on'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can +make axle-grease.</p> +<p>"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed. +Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary +bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought +that th' next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, +an' thus sthrike a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. +But Sinitor Tillman, who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd +an' is niver seen without wan perched on his wrist, which he has +taught to swear, put up a gallant fight f'r his protegees, an' +thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a lighter heart that night. +Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this year, an' anny American +wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. There ought to be some way +iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud make a nourishin' +dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttle fish +bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop around +an' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down +th' list I see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a +compliment to Sinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' +inthraduction iv this harmless dhrug into th' discussion he's been +able to get a bill through that's satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am +surprised to see that spunk is on th' free list. Is our spunk +industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand that we be +proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind Willum +Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other day +that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. +But does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there +enough American spunk?</p> +<p>"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free +list. But there are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, +hog bristles, wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, +marshmallows, life boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, +turtles, an' leeches. Th' new tariff bill puts these familyar +commodyties within th' reach iv all. But there's a bigger surprise +waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free list? I'll give ye +twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No. Sugar? Wrong. +Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy. Sinitor +Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye if ye're +sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise. +Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re +on th' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll +be wan pretty soon.</p> +<p>"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his +priceless joss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me +week's washin' pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' +dhreamin' he was th' Impror iv Chiny, while I've had to contint +mesilf with a stogy that give me a headache! But that day is +passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode Island has made me th' +akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th' tariff bill +wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought to read: +'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take this +sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv +hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has +been rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes +clear to ye. Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear +an' ye see ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in +ye'er private yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be +wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' +canary bur-rd seed, while th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' +binnacle.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff +bill, I have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has +been heerd in Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' +walls iv Congress hall has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. +Hinnery Cabin Lodge in accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' +coldest mannyfacthrer iv button shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r +th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say that this appeal fr'm th' +cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th' hide iv th' +pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th' custom house +befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic result +was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded +fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's +almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. +Ye bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' +he can lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin +it comes to disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, +don't ye fail to throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, +bricks at th' riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It +was a fine thing to see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our +grand old organyzation.</p> +<p>"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest +jool in th' dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored +teachin's iv our leaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. +It is crushin' out th' lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst +parts iv this divvlish injine iv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. +Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says, 'as I can stand, as long as +nature will sustain me in me protest, while wan dhrop iv pathriotic +blood surges through me heart, I will raise me voice again a tariff +on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhread implymint iv oppressyon +is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' bland an' beautiful +molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says.</p> +<p>"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' +says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me +arliest days I was brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. +At manny a con-vintion ye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if +there is such a lot iv this monsthrous iniquity passin' around, +don't Virginya get none? How about th' mother iv prisidents? Ain't +she goin' to have a grab at annything? Gintlemen, I do not ask, I +demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I will talk here ontil July +fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th' proposed hellish +tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th' tamarack bark +iv old Virginya.'</p> +<p>"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?'</p> +<p>"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether +a cure f'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv +carpet slippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who +makes it an' he needs th' money.'</p> +<p>"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' +says Sinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic +collague to put both feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' +same item?'</p> +<p>"'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud +be foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish +docthrines iv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says +he.</p> +<p>"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but +ivrything done on th' fine old principle iv give an' take."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' +foreigner pays th' tax, annyhow."</p> +<p>"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle +Garden."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BIG_FINE" id="THE_BIG_FINE"></a>THE BIG FINE</h2> +<p>"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. +Dooley.</p> +<p>"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<p>"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a +gorjous fine. I can't hardly believe it."</p> +<p>"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon +dollars. Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' +charge was that they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that +Jawn D. was goin' around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, +exceedin' th' speed limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge +to keep I have' till th' neighbors cud stand it no longer. The +judge says: 'Ye're an old offender an' I'll have to make an example +iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. +Call th' next case, Misther Clerk.</p> +<p>"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted +to. He wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet +on that. All he'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his +pocket, skin twinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' +hurl thim at th' clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv +principle. 'Twas not that he needed th' money. He don't care f'r +money in th' passionate way that you an' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes +iv us are as crazy about a dollar as a man is about his child whin +he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoil it. But Jawn D., +havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takes on'y a kind iv +gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin' that he's +a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther his own +money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it where +it won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a +society f'r th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man +misusing his money he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry +Saturdah night he lets th' man see it fr a few hours. An' he says +he's surprised to find that whin, with th' purest intintions in th' +wurruld, he is found thryin' to coax our little money to his home +where it'll find conjanial surroundings an' have other money to +play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th' polis arrest him +f'r abduction.</p> +<p>"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, +Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r +another coort. 'Tis sthrange that all th' pathrites that have +wanted to hang Willum Jennings Bryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' +proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, are now showin' their respect +f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm their decisions. Ye'd think +Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th' awful presence iv +Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor. This here noble +fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give me enough? If +agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' But he +doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th' +coorts on'y if they bow first.</p> +<p>"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv +cross an' indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same +respect f'r thim as they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a +decision iv a judge onless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', +second, other judges bow to it. Ye can't be too careful about what +decisions ye bow to. A decision that seems agreeable may turn out +like an acquaintance ye scrape up at a picnic. Ye may be ashamed iv +it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowed to a decree iv a coort +on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort, knock at th' dure +an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman in a black silk +petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty vinrable +befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile.</p> +<p>"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at +wanst, payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills +an' th' other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar +bills just to annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. +Manny's th' time I've bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort +that lasted no longer thin it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to +call up another judge on th' tillyphone. A judge listens to a case +f'r days an' hears, while he's figurin' a possible goluf score on +his blotting pad, th' argymints iv two or three lawyers that no wan +wud dare to offer a judgeship to. Gin'rally speakin', judges are +lawyers. They get to be judges because they have what Hogan calls +th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why annybody gets a job. Th' +other kind people won't take a job. They'd rather take a chance. +Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decides it th' way he +intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's just been beat +climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th' judge? Ye +bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, gives th' +magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an' +runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick +an' says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except +what ye've whispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I +wuddent thrust him to referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay +th' fine till ye hear fr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' +decision is th' fellow that won, an' pretty soon he sees he's made +a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coort comes out an' declares that +th' decision of th' lower coort is another argymint in favor iv +abolishing night law schools.</p> +<p>"That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I +wondher will they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill +be a long sentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' +attempted to juggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv +th' emergency hospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't +happen to have that amount with him at th' moment or at anny moment +since th' day he was born. But the judge was very lenient with him. +He said he needn't pay it if he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a +letther of inthroduction to th' bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r +two hundhred days. At that rate it'll be a long time befure Jawn D. +an' me meet again on the goluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that +if Jawn D. refuses to go back on his Puritan principles an' +separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll be wan hundhred an' +fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man ought to be +pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand +years.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me +gr-reat an' good frind with a fine that's about akel to three +millyon dhrunk an' disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd +took to dhrink arly in life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be +very rich. I'd like to be a little rich, but not rich enough f'r +anny wan to notice that me pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed +iv havin' money an' lots iv it. 'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at +th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I got it. I was always clear +about th' way to spend it but oncertain about th' way to get it. If +th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd've turned me dhreams +around an' made me clear about makin' th' money but very awkward +an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves to ivry +dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin' +how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat +business capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending +incapacity. No matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be +rich if he wasn't totally ignorant iv a science that we have +developed as far as our means will allow. But now, I tell ye, I +don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraid iv it. In th' good old days +th' polis coorts were crowded with th' poor. They weren't charged +with poverty, iv coorse, but with the results iv poverty, d'ye +mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th' coorts an' the +bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' gold rimmed specs +peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this man charged +with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tin millyon +dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' black +cap."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' +to thim."</p> +<p>"I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me +frind Jawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice +to th' worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain +in incompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave +it where it'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is +that he don't see how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father +iv about thirty dollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own +foolish way. I may not do what's right be thim. I may be too +indulgent with thim. Their home life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis +clear that if they wint to th' Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care +iv money they'd be in betther surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to +carry thim off I raise a cry iv 'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver +had a dollar iv their own an' niver will have wan, pounce on th' +misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th' governmint condemns th' +institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good manny iv thim go to +th'bad."</p> +<p>"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. +Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes +out at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll +find a great manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv +transportation but not much in annything else. He may find flyin' +machines, though it'll be arly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny +people still walkin' to their wurruk."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="EXPERT_TESTIMONY" id="EXPERT_TESTIMONY"></a>EXPERT +TESTIMONY</h2> +<p>"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a +man must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these +doctors don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything +th' rich do that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between +two men with money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want +a diploma f'r sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' +it is to commit a crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with +th' coort. Ye'll get a certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to +show with pride whin ye're let out iv Joliet.</p> +<p>"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps +fr'm th' scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County +Jail. That still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob +him iv th' privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly +an' completely hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a +collar, he's yanked befure an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute +lawyer is appinted to look afther his inthrests an' see that they +don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy atmosphere iv th' +coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome pitcher iv him +as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury iv +onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole +judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be +hanged an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our +proletory frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first +thorough fill-up iv ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an +amount iv inthrest in him that must be surprisin' to a man iv his +humble station.</p> +<p>"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called +'Brief News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv +th' Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed +her grim coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to +know that th' law has been avinged, that life an' property again +ar-re safe in our fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched +criminal lived long enough to get all he wanted to eat.</p> +<p>"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he +gets. He don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a +pair iv dooces in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done +wrong I'd say: 'Don't deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that +wants it. Undher th' circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv +injustice an' much mercy. I do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv +me peers. I am a modest man an' I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' +humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not care to come triumphant out +iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r th' newspa-apers. All I +ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th' polisman's +coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, fair, +an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced +an' that ye can slip somethin' to.</p> +<p>"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y +temple iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. +Don't niver thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in +her hand an' th' handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, +though I've seen thriles where she raised th' bandage an' winked at +th' aujence—she may be blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv +touch she has, an' if ye vinture into her lodgins an' she goes +through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th' pawnticket f'r th' watch +ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes off th' handkerchief, +an' goes at ye with th' soord.</p> +<p>"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak +into Hogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable +impulse to take his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' +all this. Ye wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's +sound asleep. Ye give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be +disturbed, an' hook th' clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day +ye're arristed. Th' pa-apers comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign +iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch fr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv +dhreadful career iv th' victim. Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' +there's an article to show that anny wan has a right to take +Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man to have th' care iv a +watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it. This is always +th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich. Ye're next +ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations, an' +finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard to +persons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye.</p> +<p>"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' +set th' watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' +says th' clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid +cheers an' hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I +have,' says th' pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me +look at it,' says th' coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, +puttin' it back into his pocket. 'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this +crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-re goin' to prove that at th' time +he committed this crime he was insane,' says th' lawyer. 'I +object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legal to inthrajooce +evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations is established. +Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do we know +he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much money +have ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect +more.' Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.'</p> +<p>"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had +among th' head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' +'As guest or landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a +question. Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv +money, an' supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in +question, an' suppose it was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' +suppose he turned fr'm th' right hand corner to th' left goin' +upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat an' a pair iv skates, +an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday—' 'I objict,' says th' +State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larned frind is no +doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbids th' +mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an' +substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how +does th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in +Janooary—an' supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye +haven't got a very large salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption +fits at th' college, an' supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye +answer r-right, I ask ye, on th' night in question whin th' +pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he not funny at th' +roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th' State's +attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th' wurrud +and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th' laws iv +evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' says +th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike +out th' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud +"aloofness."</p> +<p>"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' +'In th' pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' +'What did that indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a +variety iv tomaine >excelsis—' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' +coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th' expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' +coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th' expert, 'that th' man, +when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm a sudden tempest in +his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I don't +know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his chimbley, +like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th' crime?' +'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes +leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' +Germans call tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was +perfectly sane all his life till this minnyit, an' that so much +sanity wint to his head an' blew th' cover off.'</p> +<p>"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther +have a care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' +pris'ner, carelessly jingling th' loose change in his pocket. +'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well, I shud think he was. Why, I can +hardly imagine how he stayed feather-headed long enough to take th' +villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I don't mean anny disrespect to th' +coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen had half as much good brains +in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be wastin' ye'er time here. There +ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv this gr-reat man. Talk +about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared with this joynt +intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able, magnificent +specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve four an' +twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at +that.'</p> +<p>"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' +says th' Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove +be some rale experts, men who have earned their repytations be +testifyin' eight ways fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that +so far fr'm bein' insane on this particklar night, this was th' +on'y time that he was perfeckly sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says +Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' Daily Fluff_, 'this here has gone far +enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if ye don't want a few remarks +printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'll let him off.' 'Don't +pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' says another lady. +'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a cucumber. +We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in our vallyable +journal this mornin'.'</p> +<p>"'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend +Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' +same,' says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard +iv th' Lord who astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit +an' havin' th' Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv +standin' on me head an' playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the +accorjeen with me feet. 'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now +charge th' jury as to th' law an' th' fact: I am all mixed up on +th' law; th' fact is there's a mob outside waitin' to lynch ye if +ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort will now adjourn be th' back +dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. 'He has gone to +addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I must be goin' +too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re."</p> +<p>"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim +experts ar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv +tistymony an' perjury?"</p> +<p>"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley.</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_CALL_OF_THE_WILD" id= +"THE_CALL_OF_THE_WILD"></a>THE CALL OF THE WILD</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt +has been doin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are +full iv mangled authors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors +goes out into th' woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on +crutches."</p> +<p>"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"'Twas this way," said Mr. Dooley. "I have it fr'm Hogan, me +lithry adviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in +lithrachoor, an' I do th' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a +little something that's excitin' comin' to me, but this time he's +made good. It seems, ye see, that a good manny iv th' la-ads that +write th' books have been lavin' th' route iv th' throlley line an' +takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtle an' Clarence an' th' wrong +done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutal foreman iv lard tank nine, +an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy love affairs iv Carrie Boo, th' +deer, an' th' throubles in th' domestic relations iv th' pan fish +an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'y books that Hogan has told +me about have been wrote about animiles. I've always thought iv th' +beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' a leg off a man +that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boys tell me +they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, get marrid +an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devoured be +thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink to +excess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be +surprised to know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' +that th' gopher complained iv his gas bills.</p> +<p>"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' +illyphant I wondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv +his that he uses akelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' +fork. Is he recallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man +sunk an ice pick into him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some +wan still there that he thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does +she iver dhream iv him as she ates her hay an' rubs her back agin +th' bars iv her gilded cage? There's th' hippypotamus. He don't +look to be full iv sintiment, but ye never can tell. Manny an +achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppy exteeryor. Somewhere in +sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' fr him. Th' wallow at +th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' ooze arranged be tinder +paws. But he will not return. They will meet, but they will miss +him, there will be wan vacant lair.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm +thinkin' iv askin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to +spind an avenin' with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says +there's nawthin' in it. It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' +best they can. Ye can't expect an author to lave his comfortable +flat an' go three or four thousand miles to larn whether th' hero +iv his little love story murdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' +ear or be fellin' him with a half Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why +should he? Who wud feed th' goold fish while he was gone?</p> +<p>"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' +wilds an' p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he +calls f'r some tea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' +writes: 'Vichtry was not long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he +cud return to his burrow Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail +an' dashed his brains out agin a rock. With a leap in th' air th' +bold wolf put to rout a covey iv muskrats, those evil sojers iv +fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' over ivry animile battlefield. Wan +blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th' buffalo. With another he +crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th' most threacherous an' +th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzed be th' boldness +iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' scene iv havoc, as +is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th' cow, +which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted him +with th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it +is well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, +th' wolf is no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary +wolf. As he heerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' +strength iv a thousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience +he shed his coat, f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been +more careful; he shed his coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly +advanced on th' foe. His inimy give th' low growl iv his hated +thribe. How manny a time have I heerd it in Englewood an' shuddered +with fear. But th' dauntless Tusky answered back with his battle +song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, his wife accompanyin' him +fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. With wan spring th' +inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sink her venomous +fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness, he +back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to +point iv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat +bulk iv th' monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' +torrent an' took th' count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his +mate. She was eatin' th' whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace +come to th' jungle.'</p> +<p>"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' +best animile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help +me story to tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his +eye blacked, an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to +put wan over that stopped another wolf. That's what usually happens +up this way, an' it ain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a +story that'll inthrest me frinds I give it to thim good. Whin I +describe me fav'rite hero, Dock Haggerty, I tell about him throwin' +wan man out iv th' window an' usin' another as a club to bate th' +remainin' twelve into submission. But if I had to swear to it, an' +wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, I wudden't say that I iver see +Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man—at a time. At a time, +mind ye. He might take care iv a procession iv Johnsons. But he'd +be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th' Ethical Culture +Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If iver more thin wan +comes at wanst,' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked,' he says.</p> +<p>"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I +want to read. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' +blew in me good thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd +want some kind iv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' +best day I iver knew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. +I won't say it was much, but now that we're both retired, I'll say +that I'm glad I niver challenged him. But I wudden't look at a +book, an' I wudden't annyway, but I wudden't let Hogan tell me +about a hero that cudden't wear an overcoat an' rubber boots, have +wan arm done up in a sling, an' something th' matther with th' +other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a plug hat on his head, th' +aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th' referee usin' a cross-cut +saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an' fifty Jawn L. +Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through th' window. +Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether 'tis a +wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same +thing—whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been +talkin' about f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he +used to talk about—what d'ye call him?—ah, where's me +mind goin'?—Ivanhoe.</p> +<p>"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called +down thim nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I +wint befure th' fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim +what I thought wud inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he +say? I'll tell ye. 'I do not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I +wanted to charackterize these here nature writers, I wud use a much +shorter an' uglier wurrud thin liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I +cannot. Ye take, f'r example, What's-his-name. Has this man iver +been outside iv an aviary? I doubt it. Here he has a guinea pig +killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear. Now it is notoryous to +anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness f'r these +monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in th' +ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond +makin' thim hard iv hearin'.</p> +<p>"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature +writers. This is a man whose name is a household wurrud in +Conneticut. His books are used in th' schools. An' what does this +man, who got his knowledge iv wild beasts apparently fr'm +mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is his message to th' +little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim that I've got to +think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth, instead iv +leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an undherstandin' +iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons their +innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood—I +can't think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with +premeditated—that th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' +its hidyous fangs into th' gapin' throat iv its prey. How can +honest citizens an' good women be brought up on such infamyous +docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attack Conneticut an' th' bells +shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' these little darlings shud +follow this false prophet an' run out in their nighties an' thry to +leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised? Wudden't the +little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want these here +darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautiful +truth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel +him. There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with +wan terrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way +Willum J. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest +throat iv anny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud +hate to have to sthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's +cramp f'r months aftherward.'</p> +<p>"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these +here nature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. +Th' wild animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best +they can an' th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, +manin' get what ye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes +on. But some wan ought to bring out a new nature story. I've +thought iv chapter twinty-eight: 'With wan blow iv his pen he laid +low, but not much lower, Orpheus L. Jubb, th' well-known minichure +painter who has taken up nature study. With another he +disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who retired fr'm th' +Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to their heejous +docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote his cillybrated book on +wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn car window. It took on'y +a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound on Seton-Thompson's +kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primeval forest. +Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an' +thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted +ally, John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice +that had so long preyed on th' counthry.'</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these +neefaryous plots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. +Th' man that tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat +kills an owl is be pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an +undesirable citizen. He ought to be put in an aquaryum. But take it +day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long won't give anny information +to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much. Th' number iv +carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes that come +down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make anny +wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to +us how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' +we're comin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason +why. I suppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite +something that they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had +to bring up a flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't +much care what they larned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' +chambok, but I'd teach thim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, +an' th' bite iv th' polisman on th' beat."</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow +that writes books f'r childher ought to write th' truth."</p> +<p>"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim," said Mr. Dooley. +"Annyhow, th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay +aven boord wages, an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a +job on th' side."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_JAPANESE_SCARE" id="THE_JAPANESE_SCARE"></a>THE +JAPANESE SCARE</h2> +<p>"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. +Dooley.</p> +<p>"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv +a sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're +into ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind +Gin'ral Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I +didn't dare to go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv +ours in war. Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me +grinnin' at him. A smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental +that it is to us Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. +'Look at that fellow makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' +faces at ye,' says th' Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' +'Thin he must have his face changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll +appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll divastate this boasted raypublic +iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,' he says.</p> +<p>"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' +there's no legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' +Gov'nor, th' Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to +th' Mayor, th' Mayor desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis +ordhers th' polisman on th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat +commands me to take me alarmin' visage out iv th' public view. +Suppose I go down to see me counsel, Barrister Hogan. He tells me +that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be th' Constitution, which +Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me liquor license, I'm +entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll up me nose, +wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh' to any +black-an'-tan I meet.</p> +<p>"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with +dynnymite dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San +Francisco; a party iv Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs +off th' descindants iv John Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy +Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed with a small language book +thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th' Jap'nese tongue. And me +name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that brought roon to +his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little childer atin' +their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will curse me +f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that done +so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I +stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over.</p> +<p>"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper +with fear an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June +five—Th' whole nation is wild with excitement over th' +misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in Los Angeles, an' unless an apology +is forthcomin' it will be difficult f'r th' Governmint to prevint +th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at ye. Th' people iv America +shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war. A corryspondint iv +th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain facthry in Maine, +writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose name has +escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo +befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what +he cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his +threaty rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin +into his collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" +on a mouth organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man +be th' name iv Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with +Sweden with th' sad result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo +th' wrong threaty rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung +starter. There is some relief in th' situation to-night based on +th' repoort that th' Prisidint has sint an apology an' has ordhered +out th' army to subjoo Scully.</p> +<p>"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to +discuss sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv +threaty rights iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who +wudden't let a subjick iv th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first +Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo thransfer dated August eighteen +hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest +an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose +tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted th' Mickydoo to give us +another chance befure layin' waste our land.' 'Followin' th' advice +iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to marry rich +American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student an' cook +applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house keeper +where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese Consul's +house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old +frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry +th' Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint +iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' +a riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv +th' seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats, +pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles +which is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv +their grief th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner +to-night an' Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle +ship _Louisyanny_ an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' +deepo.'</p> +<p>"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' +good old days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we +cudden't insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was +sthrong, befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' +other infantile disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an +Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't +give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an Englishman I give him th' foot +too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give him th' same threaty rights +he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th' head. It seemed proper to +us. If 'twas right to belong to wan naytionality, 'twas wrong to +belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud boast to be an American, +it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to be a +Fr-rinchman.</p> +<p>"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a +Jap. Don't touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his +impeeryal hat down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye +know ye'll be what Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a +peaceful village in Indyanny'll be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, +be Hivens, it won't be long till we'll have to be threatin' th' +Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I r-read in th' pa-aper th' +other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been reorganized an' rearmed. +Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned petticoats they will wear +th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs have been cast aside +f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new assortment iv +gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th' evil eye +has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th' +next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind +Lip Hung's laundhry.</p> +<p>"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' +part iv prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a +Jap thin abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too +long. They were all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I +turn pale an' take off me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago +an' I'd bet I was good f'r a dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how +tur-rible a people they are. Their ships are th' best in th' +wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th' Lord knows I'm told +they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver payin' a cent f'r +wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th' whole Atlantic +squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They use guns that +shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv +desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y +known to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles +weighin' eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even +more tur-rible. A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a +day an' subsist on a small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have +arrived at such a perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' +goose step that they have made this awful insthrument iv carnage +th' terror iv th' armies iv Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re +unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in Japan, but ivry Japanese +sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv their magnificent +cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is a sight long +to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be feared +because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He +is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most +sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was +hard to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with +Rooshya because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith +we ought to be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' +whether me cellar is bomb-proof.</p> +<p>"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan +calls a wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' +solytare, winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. +Ivry-body was invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' +on in th' corner. Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, +gintlemen!' an' maybe wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But +we cudden't stand it anny longer. We had to give up our simple +little game iv patience an' cut into th' other deal. An' now, be +Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan hand we have wan partner; +another hand he's again us. This minyit th' Jap an' me ar-re +playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead that was; th' +next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look at his +hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th' +deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er +neighbor winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out +iv me boot an' denouncin' me."</p> +<p>"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. +Hennessy. "Th' likes iv thim!"</p> +<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've +got to be polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, +but whin a man is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all +th' time he's little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's +little, look out f'r him."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HAGUE_CONFERENCE" id="HAGUE_CONFERENCE"></a>THE HAGUE +CONFERENCE</h2> +<p>"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th' +Passyfic."</p> +<p>"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to +spend th' rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent +or whether it is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' +th' glaziers iv New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England +avarice, which ar-re hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' +Sicrety iv th' Navy is divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' +press is divided. Wan great iditor, fr'm his post iv danger in +Paris, has ordhered th' navy to report at San Francisco at four +eight next Thursday. Another great iditor livin' in Germany has +warned it that it will do so at its peril. Nawthin' is so fine as +to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his mighty task iv +selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest cook iv +Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy +Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict +like internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do +annything.</p> +<p>"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy +goes to th' Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make +war. They've dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' +ammunition hoists ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' +orchids. Th' guns are loaded with confetty. Th' officers dhrink +nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an' sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' +tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th' home iv th' Christyan +Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries readin' relligous +pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a series iv +articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th' Hague +Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last +war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got +up be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' +Japs. It was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister +had just been blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been +shot, an' wan iv his cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic +acid. All was comparitive peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon +th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as he set in his rile palace an' +listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv bombs bein' hurled at th' +Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken glass out iv th' dhrink +that'd just been brought to him be an aged servitor who was +prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic Assassins. +Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says to +himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful +wurruld shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out +to shoot each other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at +home an' wurruk f'r their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise +mesilf as a moojik an' go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon +a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he says.</p> +<p>"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a +g-reat manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' +they have been devotin' all their time since to makin' war +impossible in th' future. Th' meetin' was opened with an +acrimonyous debate over a resolution offered be a dillygate fr'm +Paryguay callin' f'r immeejit disarmamint, which is th' same, +Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers to turn in their guns to th' man +at th' dure. This was carrid be a very heavy majority. Among those +that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay, Uryguay, Switzerland, +Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed were England, France, +Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' the United +States.</p> +<p>"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' +convintion thin discussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish +dillygate abolishin' war altogether. This also was carried, on'y +England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' +United States votin' no.</p> +<p>"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger +question iv how future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests +iv peace. Th' conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' +th' mushroom bullet which, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not +much larger thin a marble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes +whirlin' through th' allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' +Chinese dillygate said that he regarded this here insthrumint iv +peace as highly painful. He had an aunt in Pekin, an estimable +lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fifty years iv age, who received +wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscue iv Pekin fr'm th' +foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with feelin' on th' +subjick as th' Chinese army did not use these pro-jictyles but were +armed with bean-shooters.</p> +<p>"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, +'quite thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to +th' digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that +they be abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be +th' subjick races,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might +throw a white man off his feed, but we have abundant proof that +whin injicted into a black man they gr-reatly improve his moral +tone. An' afther all, th' improvemint iv th' moral tone is, +gintlemen, a far graver matther thin anny mere physical question. +We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africa that th' charmin' bullet +now undher discussion did much to change conditions in that +enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains. Th' darky that +happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. He retired fr'm +labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says. 'I am +in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters with +races that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate +fr'm Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er +question iv privilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' +windows open,' says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' +he says.</p> +<p>"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, +moved that in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. +Carried, on'y Italy votin' no.</p> +<p>"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with +dinnymite, poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to +infants, bilin' prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. +Some excitemint was created durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm +th' cannybal islands who proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. +Th' German dillygate thought that this was carryin' a specyal gift +iv wan power too far. It wud give th' cannybal islands a distinct +advantage in case iv war, as Europeen sojers were accustomed to +horses. Th' English dillygate said that while much cud be said +against a practice which personally seemed to him rather +unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv anny +cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th' +Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band +shud be considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid.</p> +<p>"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought +to go to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' +slate. Th' English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', +says he, 'if ye deprived us iv th' right to collect debts be +killin' th' debtor ye wud take away fr'm war its entire moral +purpose. I must ask ye again to cease thinkin' on this subjick in a +gross mateeryal way an' considher th' moral side alone,' he says. +Th' conference was much moved be this pathetic speech, th' +dillygate fr'm France wept softly into his hankerchef, an' th' +dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly took an open-face +goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala.</p> +<p>"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses +shud be fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal +talk on th' reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' +dillygate fr'm Chiny arose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war +is. What is war annyhow?' 'Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' +chairman. 'We're all profissors iv colledges or lawyers whin we're +home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot my aunt?' says th' dillygate +fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to hook me father's best +hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid away to escape th' +attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery war?' says he. +'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English dillygate. +'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says.</p> +<p>"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home +an' tell thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv +young men over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with +ye'er leave or by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be +our psyche knots an' they burned down our little bamboo houses. +Thin they wint up to Pekin, set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry +thing in sight. I just got out iv th' back dure in time to escape a +jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I niver see befure. If it +hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th' hundred yards at th' +University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty minyits, an' if it +hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a summer overskirt +an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to steal me +garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that war +or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate +fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan +civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on +his hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' +he wint home."</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="TURKISH_POLITICS" id="TURKISH_POLITICS"></a>TURKISH +POLITICS</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny +king's head these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan +iv thim to be a king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly +iv bein' born outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be +Prisidint. But it don't make anny diff'rence what counthry a king +comes from so long as he don't come fr'm th' counthry where he's +king. 'No natives need apply,' is th' motto. If a counthry is so +bad off that it has to have a king, they sind a comity down to +Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan, make him +throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him king, +Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that +are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a +Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other +kings an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord +knows what he is.</p> +<p>"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to +prevint me fr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin +I'd turn th' Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me +subjicks, ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but +marciful monarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty +handed. I'd always lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a +cabinet I'd have, but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained +flattherers that cud be hired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud +tell me th' truth, an' I'd live an' die happy. I'd show these +modhern kings how a king ought to behave. Ye wudden't see Martin I, +iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hired entertainer, wan day +doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th' layin' iv a +cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th' Amalgamated +Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horses with +Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r a +balloon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles +away. No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' +thin I'd blindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' +I'd niver open me mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' +low taste iv kings has rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r +gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think twict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis +as preecaryous as a steeple jack's, an' no more permanent thin a +Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a king goes out an' looks +haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipe bomb at him, an' +if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on th' back in +th' paddock an' called 'Joe.'</p> +<p>"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, +sometimes I let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be +Sultan iv Turkey. There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. +It was well paid, it looked to be permanent, and I thought it about +th' best situation in th' wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a +combination iv pope an' king. If he didn't like ye, he first +excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye. There, thinks I to +mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on a silk embroidered +lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legs curled up +undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap, a +pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his +elbow, a pipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales +whistle in th' cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful +Circassyan ladies dance in front iv him far fr'm his madding throng +iv wives, as th' pote says.</p> +<p>"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he +starts fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august +prisince. 'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' +Sultan. 'Bark f'r th' ladies,' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, +descindant iv th' prophet, whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon +an' stars, whose frown is death an' whose smile is heaven to th' +faithful;—' 'Don't be so familyar with me first name,' says +th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptible supplication,' says +he. 'Ye'er slave,' says th' sicrety iv th' threasury fr'm th' +flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther standin' +th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake out more +thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er +awfulness,' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyon +piasthres—bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls,' +says he. 'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an +insult. Lave it on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv +a tailor,' he says, an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain +comes Jawn Johnson with little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear +iv th' faithless minister is a squeak an' a splash. He rules be +love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that life without love is +useless, annybody that don't love him can go an' get measured f'r a +name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price is lower. His +people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thim to keep +all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits be +takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an +Armeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business +in this counthry.</p> +<p>"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' +man, 'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' +days. So whin I r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution +startin' to fire Abdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance +ye've got, me lads. That old boy will be holdin' down his job whin +there's a resignation fr'm th' supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton,' +says I. 'Th' first thing ye young Turks know ye'll-be gettin' a +prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv a necktie,' says I, 'an' it won't +fit ye,' says I.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a +pitcher iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper—a snap-shot, mind ye! +Think of that, will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew +his thrade wud iver let anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye +iver hear iv Alexander th' Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a +snap-shot took iv him? No, sir. Whin they wanted to satisfy th' +vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to know what their lord looked +like, they chained an artist to a wall in th' cellar of th' palace +an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcher iv me that will +get ye out iv here,' says they. Nobody in thim days knew that th' +king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was made iv +glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose.</p> +<p>"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around +Constantinople in a hack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor +phottygrafters his job was secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk +talked to another about him they talked in whispers. 'What d'ye +suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Oh me, oh my,' says th' +other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says his voice is like +thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud shrivel th' +likes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul, be damid, as th' +potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th' +palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th' +Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look +at—a skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between +ye'er thumb an' forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He +wore a hand-me-down coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' +he's crosseyed. Here's a pitcher iv him.' 'What, that little runt? +Ye don't mean to say that's th' Sultan.—Why, he looks like +th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th' corner an' asks me have I +anny old clothes betther thin what I have on. An' to think iv th' +likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let's throw him out.'</p> +<p>"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a +squad iv polis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' +rung th' bell. 'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose +change into his shoe. 'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain. +'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'd betther come peaceful,' he says. +An' they bust in th' dure an' th' Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple +iv collars into a grip an' selicts iliven iv his least formid-able +wives to go along with him an' they put on their bonnets an' shawls +an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' their goold fish an' their +fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an' has to stop so +that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something they f'rgot at +th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says, 'Did ye +iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says, +'They're all alike, Doc,' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off +goes th' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. +An' th' sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had +been kept f'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' +is boosted into th' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is +intherviewed be th' reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best +he can an' he hopes th' press won't be too hard on him, because he +is a poor loonytick annyhow.</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along +with me dhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If +that's th' kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to +take that wants it. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to +search th' palace, like th' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd +left anny money behind, divvle th' thrace they found iv annything +that I'd thrade f'r me back room. I begun to feel sorry f'r th' +poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on a sofy an' listenin' to +th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranite threes while +ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him with fans iv +peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in a +garret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that +come next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent +sleep nights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was +foorced be fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was +abundant. Take it all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye +he's happyer now where he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' +lawn, an' sneakin' into Constantinople iv a Saturday night an' +seein' Circassyan girls dancin' f'r th' first time in his life. His +childher are all grown up an' safe in jail, he has four hundhred +an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven are a good manny in th' +suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainy day, +out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher if +ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th' +first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'lar +ex-sultan.'</p> +<p>"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, +says I. There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther +all. What opporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm +a man that niver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do +annything he wanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It +doesn't make anny diff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah +iv Beloochistan, be gorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that +he can use it an' he'll begin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan +head tomorrah, two th' next day, an' befure he's been on th' foorce +or th' throne a year it'll be a whack on th' chimbly befure he says +'How ar-re ye.' By an' by he'll get so manny people afraid iv him +that he'll be in danger and that'll make him afraid iv thim, an' +thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'ye mind? Th' on'y man ye +need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid iv ye. An' that's +what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thought about it +whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'd +find him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin +she come in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't +put in me application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be +more of a coward thin I am."</p> +<p>"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' +about?" said Mr. Hennessy.</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a +cigar?"</p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="VACATIONS" id="VACATIONS"></a>VACATIONS</h2> +<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm +glad or sorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here +again in the turmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis +pleasant to see th' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything +happened since I wint away on me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I +much sunburnt?"</p> +<p>"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye +on'y last night."</p> +<p>"Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, +but ye didn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night +it was. If it was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont +Morgan's yacht off th' coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us +settin' up on th' front stoop iv th' boat. I had just won thirty +millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice, an' he remarked to me 'I +bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eight thirty, th' wind, which +had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed into th' northeast +an' I moved back to Newpoort."</p> +<p>"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked.</p> +<p>"Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me +mind not to be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation +whin a vacation comes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me +out to a summer resort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it +whiniver I feel like it. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin +ye're talkin' or business is slack fr'm anny other reason, I throw +a comb an' brush into a gripsack an' hurry away to th' mountain or +th' seashore. While ye think ye're talkin' to me, at that very +minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th' Atlantic ocean or +climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' to mesilf.</p> +<p>"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are +overdue. That's because they don't know how to take thim. They +depind on railroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about +it. Long afther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' +fifteenth iv August, they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. +Nachrally they can't tear off very far or they wudden't hear th' +whistle whin it blew to call thim back. F'r a week or two they +spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyon iv baggageman, atin' +off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night. Evenchooly th' +time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble iv th' city +that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th' counthry +that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'r +Mudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin +they remimber that they left their tickets, money an' little +Abigail Ann behind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which +doesn't stop at Mudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, +an' thin on'y on signal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv +th' city with its sprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is +left behind. Th' cool counthry air blows into th' car laden with +th' rich perfume iv dainty food with which th' fireman is plyin' +his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stops occasion'lly. In fact ye might +betther say that occasion'lly it don't stop. A thrain that is goin' +to anny iv th' penal colonies where most men spind their vacations +will stop at more places thin a boy on an errand. Whiniver it sees +a human habitation it will pause an' exchange a few wurruds iv +pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stop at +nawthin'.</p> +<p>"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native +land. Ye make a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye +didn't know were on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' +on'y place th' thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye +look into th' folder an' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b +says: 'Thrains two to sixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' +'What is th' number iv this here cannon-ball express?' says ye to +th' conductor man. 'Number twelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get +off there?' says ye. 'How do ye usually get off a movin' thrain?' +says he. 'Forward or backward?' says he. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' +postal car an' get into a mail bag th' clerk may hang ye on th' +hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He made three out iv tin last +week,' he says.</p> +<p>"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er +thrunks an' come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad +officyal who calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's +cured his wife iv wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her +readin' advertisements iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit +is coming on, an' befure she gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r +freckles he takes her down to th' deepo an' shows her th' people +goin' on their vacations an' comin' back. Thin he gives her a boat +ride in th' park, takes her to th' theaytre, an' th' next mornin' +she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv her indisposition.</p> +<p>"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well +within me means. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' +thin th' thrade iv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin +he ast f'r a gin sour, not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' +me time away in th' Greek islands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I +don't have to carry anny baggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. +I'm not bothered be mosquitoes or rain. In fact, it's on rainy days +that I thravel most. I'm away most iv th' time. I suppose me +business suffers. But what care I?</p> +<p>"In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky +Mountains. In th' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' +West Indies or to Monty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that +iver beat Monty Carlo. I plugged away at number siventeen an' it +came up eighty-two times runnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' +money on th' fickle Countess de Brie, but aisy came aisy go. Me +disappointment was soon f'rgotten among th' gayeties iv Algeers. I +often go up th' Nile because it's handy to th' Ar-rchey Road. I can +get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go to Newpoort, although +it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. It was simple +thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because he wore a +hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready goold bonnet +that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an' +marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play +tennis. It has changed since. But there are still a few +riprisintatives iv th' older memberships iv th' stock exchange who +cannot lave th' familyar scenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these +pathricyans an' gossip iv days that ar-re no more. Faith, there's +hardly a place that I don't spind me summers. If I don't like a +place I can move. I sail me yacht into sthrange harbors. I take me +private car wheriver I want to go. I hunt an' I fish. Last year I +wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made a gr-reat +catch—near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. +An' it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard.</p> +<p>"Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at +their best. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to +go there. No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take +ye'ersilf along an' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv +th' gr-reat comforts iv my kind iv a vacation is that I always +knows what's goin' on at home. Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv +vacation th' newspa-aper he gets was printed just afther th' third +inning iv th' baseball game th' day befure yisterdah. Th' result is +that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what's happened. He +doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago or Pittsburg +is at th' head iv th' league.</p> +<p>"An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' +sthrong dhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do +things that make readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. +Ivrything in th' pa-aper inthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a +cillybrated murdher thrile blossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a +cillybrated lawyer goin' to th' cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' +an increase in th' honoraryum iv his cillybrated collague. Lawyers +don't take money. What they get f'r their public sarvices in +deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in a church. Ye don't +give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peas with the +money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. But whin +things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested another +honoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum, +mainin' I need th' money.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How +glad I am to know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' +tariff to a level where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how +cud I be happy away fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum +Taft was gettin' on at goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that +goes on at th' summer capitol. I am glad to know that Charles +played tennis fr'm ten to iliven an' aftherward took a throlley car +ride to Lynn, where he bought a pair iv shoes an' a piece iv +blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirely recovered. But th' +rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Me fav'rite journal +prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty. Horrible +rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied.' He's th' best goluf +player we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a +shtroke a stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be +a scoore iv wan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did +so.</p> +<p>"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd +assimbled to see th' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. +He wore his club unyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue +shirt. His opponent, th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' +prisident was first off th' tee with an excellent three while his +opponent was almost hopelessly bunkered in a camera. But he made a +gallant recovery with a vaccuum cleaner an' was aven with th' +prisidint in four. Th' prisidint was slightly to th' left in th' +long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin' daunted, he took a hoe an' +was well out in siven. Both players were in th' first bunker in +eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth an' bein' +punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was first out +iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin' at +exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance iv +home on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. +But th' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv +which wud be th' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv +th' sicrety iv war. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to +use a brassy in a spirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was +raaly a brillyant shot. A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have +accomplished a feat in golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was +against him an' he sthruck himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, +resolvin' to give him no mercy, took his dhriver an' made a +sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th' green. There was now +nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash, but always +prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet to bate +th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that was +established be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance +Union in nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it +to ye,' an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His +opponent was obliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but +still sound an' meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated).</p> +<p>"An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in +touch with what's goin' on."</p> +<p>"What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they +call it rile an' ancient?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' +prisidint iv th' United States has just took it up."</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley Says, by Finley Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Dooley Says + +Author: Finley Dunne + +Release Date: January 13, 2005 [EBook #14684] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY SAYS *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Stephanie Bailey, David King, and the +PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + + +Mr. DOOLEY SAYS + + + +BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR," +"MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC. + + + +NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +DIVORCE 1 + +GLORY 14 + +WOMAN SUFFRAGE 25 + +THE BACHELOR TAX 40 + +THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES 50 + +PANICS 67 + +OCEAN TRAVEL 78 + +WORK 89 + +DRUGS 100 + +A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP 106 + +THE ARMY CANTEEN 110 + +THINGS SPIRITUAL 123 + +BOOKS 134 + +THE TARIFF 144 + +THE BIG FINE 158 + +EXPERT TESTIMONY 168 + +THE CALL OF THE WILD 180 + +THE JAPANESE SCARE 193 + +THE HAGUE CONFERENCE 204 + +TURKISH POLITICS 214 + +VACATIONS 227 + + + + +Mr. DOOLEY SAYS + + + + +DIVORCE + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a Divoorce +Congress." + +"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxury +supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin a +marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go on +livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way some +mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at each +other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he has +th' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Reno +in ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud +find throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No, +sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river. +There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize, +an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall +bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timprary +husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an' +dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th' +neighbors are agin it. + +"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoo +marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an +onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' new +an' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says th' preacher. 'Or th' +jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride. + +"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was +assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's a +tur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'y +to be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border. +There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossible +f'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There's +no regularity at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'r +divoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman can +be freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wears +Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name back +because his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup. + +"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe his +boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota. Ye can +be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th' complaint. +Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' parties +dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' other +does, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sick +headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he give +her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society iv +th' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get a +divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he has +less. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibility +iv temper. That's whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' same +time. Ye'd call it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy. + +"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A man that +wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' do a tour iv +our gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly released he may want +to do it all over agin with th' second choice iv his wild, glad heart. + +"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws ought +to be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shud +be th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply be +goin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' an affydavit that th' +lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his taste. Be Hivens, I'd go +farther. Rather than have people endure this sarvichood I'd let anny +man escape be jumpin' th' conthract. All he'd have to do if I was +r-runnin' this Governmint wud be to put some clothes in th' grip, write +a note to his wife that afther thinkin' it over f'r forty years he had +made up his mind that his warm nature was not suited to marredge with +th' mother iv so manny iv his childher, an' go out to return no more. + +"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' what I +r-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this land onhappily +mated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if they had a sliver in +their thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows iv these people ar-re +beyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' jooty iv th' law to marcifully +release thim. + +"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' about +th' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me eyes filled +with tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he marrid. He was a +fireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his etarnal affection was th' +daughter iv th' most popylar saloon keeper in town. A gr-reat socyal +gulf opened between thim. He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein' +promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full iv +Monongahela rye an' a pool table, an' her parents objicted, because iv +th' diffrence in their positions. But love such as his is not to be +denied. Th' bold suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid. + +"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r twinty +years an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who expect to be +supported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, spurred on be th' +desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an' wurruked his +way to th' head iv th' railroad. He was no longer Greasy Bill, th' Oil +Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' Prince iv Industhree. All th' +diff'rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large money +an' small, other people's money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'd +wished f'r. Whin he set in his office countin' it he often left a call +f'r six o'clock f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th' +roundhouse on time. + +"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf as +though he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring saw him +on a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. He was +received with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city that knew the +combynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides be his fellow Kings +iv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv honor at a modest but +tasteful dinner, where there was a large artificyal lake iv champagne +into which th' comp'ny cud dive. In th' on'y part iv New York ye iver +read about--ar-re there no churches or homes in New York, but on'y +hotels, night resthrants, an' poolrooms?--in th' on'y part iv New York +ye read about he cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cud +fall on his bald but youthful head. + +"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is painful to +say that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life had not kept pace +with him. She had taught him to r-read, but he had gone on an' taken +what Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. Women get all their book +larnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd been pretty active about th' +childher while he was pickin' up more iddycation in th' way iv business +thin she'd iver dhream iv knowin'. She had th' latest news about th' +throuble in th' Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into his +office. + +"A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to read +about, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to tell ye +that th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he use to +whistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. It's no aisy +thing to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate th' hair with +another. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper classes in New York +she was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their tastes was decidedly +dissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he carrid th' wash pitcher +down to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, while she dandled th' baby an' +fried th' round steak at th' same time. That day was past. She hadn't +got to th' pint where she cud dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv her +nose. Th' passin' years had impaired all possible foundations f'r a new +crop iv hair. Sometimes conversation lagged. + +"Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successful +exthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. Gough. She +got her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was there f'r this joynt +intelleck an' this household tyrant to talk about? No wondher he pined. +Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin bein' compelled to set down ivry +month or two an' chat about a new tooth that Hiven had just sint to a +fam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was that all. She give him no rest. Time an' +time again she asked him was he comin' home that night. She tortured his +proud spirit be recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th' +window iv th' room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so far +as to dhraw on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives--their +tears. One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seen +her. Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim this +gr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise whin +he didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin th' Gr-reat +Fi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' Judge to sthrike +off th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a divoorce. + +"I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things," said Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Oh, I know ye don't agree with me," said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether does th' +parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's marrid he's +marrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand in th' grab-bag +an' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money back. + +"'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye talkin' +about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two people in th' +wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was there iver a +frindship that was annything more thin a kind iv suspension bridge +between quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv life,' says he, 'we leap +fr'm scrap to scrap,' he says. 'I'm wan iv th' best-timpered men in th' +wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not,' says I.) I'm wan iv th' kindest iv +mortals,' he says, 'but put me in th' same house with Saint Jerome,' he +says, 'an' there'd be at laste wan day in th' month whin I'd answer his +last wurrd be slammin' th' dure behind me,' he says. 'Man is nachrally a +fightin' an quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don't +always turn away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse,' he says. 'Th' +throuble about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wan +that made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, I'd +niver let th' sun go down on a quarrel,' he says. 'But if ye had a bad +mouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' partnership because ye'ar +a cantankerous old villain that no wan cud get on with,' he says. 'If +people knew they cudden't get away fr'm each other they'd settle down to +life, just as I detarmined to like coal smoke whin I found th' +collection wasn't big enough to put a new chimbley in th' parish house. +I've acchally got to like it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition iv +human life that's not endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've got +to endure it,' he says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this, +that whin a rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved over +breakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, an' +he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that afthernoon +they're in their lawyers' office,' he says. 'But whin a poor gintleman +an' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her anger into rubbin' +th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor gintleman aises his be +murdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be th' time night comes +ar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to go home annyhow, an' +it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm misjudged, an' he puts a +pound iv candy into his coat pocket an' goes home an' finds her +standin' at th' dure with a white apron on an' some new ruching ar-round +her neck,' he says. + +"An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions." + +"I see on'y wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly think?" + +"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced I'd let +thim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' childher. They'd +larn thim to behave." + + + + +GLORY + + +"Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more scandal +talked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld." + +"Hogan had betther keep quiet," said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goes +circulatin' anny stories about me I'll--" + +"Ye needn't worry," said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to talk about +annywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' subjick iv our +scand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a repytation. No, sir, +our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' illusthrees an' it ran all +th' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses Grant. + +"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody knows +about me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm pollyticks +whin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. If I'd let it +go a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest iv me life an' some +years afther me death. + +"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twas +th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goes +Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' have thim name babies, +sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an' +whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryod +in th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenth +iv charackter with love iv counthry. Such a man was found in Martin +Dooley, a prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.' + +"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I had, 'tis +little attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what Hogan calls +bi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though they mintioned +th' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted fatherland, they'd make th' +more intherestin' story about th' time I almost met it be fallin' down +stairs while runnin' away fr'm a polisman. F'r wan page they'd print +about me love iv counthry, they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink. + +"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in Byrnes's +book. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a lockstep down in +Joliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a robber in his old age. +He busted into churches, fooled ar-round with other men's wives, curled +his hair with a poker an' smelled iv perfumery like a Saturday night +car. An' his wife was a suspicyous charackter an' he turned her away. + +"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven f'r +thim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no betther than +she shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. Willum Shakespeare +is well known as an author of plays that no wan can play, but he was +betther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad actor, an' a thief. His +wife was a common scold an' led him th' life he desarved. They niver +leave th' ladies out iv these stories iv th' gr-reat. A woman that +marries a janius has a fine chance iv her false hair becomin' more +immortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It don't make anny difference if all +she knew about her marital hero was that he was a consistent feeder, a +sleepy husband, an' indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf, +an' that she had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men had +something th' matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton, +who was th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childless +hersilf, was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawl +ar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan says +she had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all his +frinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was a case. I +wish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A gr-reat moral +rellijous counthry like this desarves a betther parent. + +"They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote good +songs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan thinks iv him +as havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal iv his parish. I +remimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked th' British at Noo +Orleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but Hogan remimbers him as a +man that cudden't spell an' had a wife who smoked a corncob pipe. I +remimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' slaves, but Hogan remimbers how +he used to cut loose yarns that made th' bartinder shake th' stove +harder thin it needed. I remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shiloh +whin he was young, but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound New +York whin he was old. + +"An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out to write +a bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war departmint or +th' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' bureau dhrawers, +old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, an' th' recollections +iv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther thin annything else. He +don't care much f'r th' kind beginning: 'Dear wife, I'm settin' in +front iv th' camp fire wearin' th' flannel chest protector ye made me, +an' dhreamin' iv ye,' but if he can find wan beginnin': 'Little Bright +Eyes: Th' old woman has gone to th' counthry,' he's th' happiest +bi-ographer ye cud see in a month's thravel. + +"Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas written by a +frind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or another. 'At this +time,' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was destined to change th' +whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, while in a sthreet car, where +he lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke to see a beautiful woman thryin' to +find a nickel in a powder puff. Th' brutal conductor towered over her, +an' it was more thin th' Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with an +oath, he pulled th' rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car. + +"Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no doubt he +often thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, although he +niver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' dinin'-room at +th' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but th' fair vision iv +th' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked him up, an' there began a +frindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness to both iv thim. He seldom +mintioned her, but wan night he was heard to mutter: 'Her face is like +wan iv Rembrand's saints.' A few historyans contind that what he said +was: 'Her face looks like a remnant sale,' but I cannot believe this. + +"They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil th' +enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been able to +find anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv wan iv his +faithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. (Love an' Letters +iv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; Stolen, Collected an' +Edited be James Snooper.) * * * Next year was mim'rable f'r his gloryous +victhry at Punkheim, all th' more wondherful because at th' time our +hero was sufferin' fr'm deleeryyum thremens. + +"It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as gr-reat a +liar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that with th' cheers iv +his sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still write home to his wife: +'Ol' girl--I can't find annything fit to dhrink down here. Can't ye sind +me some cider fr'm th' farm.' * * * In 1865 he was accused iv +embezzlemint, but th' charges niver reached his ears or th' public's +ontil eight years afther his death. * * * In 67' his foster brother, +that he had neglected in Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an' +broke his leg. * * * In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fifty +years. They were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly iv +fourteen childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'r +some reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, one +of th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further details iv +th' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' volume.' It +seems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called bi-ography is a kind +iv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan side, an' bi-ography comes +along an' makes it rowl over an' lie on th' other side. Th' historyan +says, go up; th' bi-ographer says, come down among us. I don't believe +ayether iv thim. + +"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. 'Were +they all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think so +gloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye mustn't +believe all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' says he. 'It's +a thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat an' sthrong. Th' hero +sthruts through histhry with his chin up in th' air, his scipter in his +hand an' his crown on his head. But behind him dances a boot-black +imitatin' his walk an' makin' faces at him. Fame invites a man out iv +his house to be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a +warrant f'r batin' his wife. 'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it +shudden't be so. We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv +th' wurruld didn't have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen +to possess thim, we make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over +us. Wan way or another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we +can't reach th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feel +aisier about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' it +stimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in hand +'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seem' our pitchers in th' +pa-apers.' + +"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, th' people +ye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step iv ye'er youth, +all go thundherin' down to immortality together. An' afther all, isn't +it a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care about is th' one Mulligan +th' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I like Mulligan's style, f'r he's +no flatthrer, an' he has wan model iv bi-ography that he uses f'r old +an' young, rich an' poor. He merely writes something to th' gin'ral +effect that th' deceased was a wondher, an' lets it go at that." + +"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough to buy +off all threatenin' bi-ographers." + + + + +WOMAN SUFFRAGE + + +"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in their +might an' demanded a vote." + +"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy. + +"A vote," said Mr. Dooley. + +"Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they do?" + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv thim +gathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or naytional +dormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore proclaimed that a +debate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English gintlemen to marry +their deceased wife's sisters befure th' autopsy. In th' great hall iv +Rufus some iv th' mightiest male intellecks in Britain slept undher +their hats while an impassioned orator delivered a hem-stitched speech +on th' subject iv th' day to th' attintive knees an' feet iv th' +ministhry. It was into this here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen iv +Europe that ye see on ye'er way to France that th' furyous females +attimpted to enter. Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rude +jeers iv th' multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th' +idifice. There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim. +'What d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' says +th' commander iv th' army iv freedom. + +"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate battle +followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv 'Brute,' +'Monster,' 'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins were dhrawn. +Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done a +fit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be sufferin' +f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' little +finger iv th' right hand. Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' law +charged on th' champeens iv liberty. A scene iv horror followed. +Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' led thim down th' stairs; +others were carried out fainting by th' tyrants. In a few minyits all +was over, an' nawthin' but three hundhred hairpins remained to mark th' +scene iv slaughter. Thus, Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedom +fought an' lost." + +"It sarves thim right," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at home +tindin' th' babies." + +"A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry man. P'raps +they havn't got any babies. A baby is a good substichoot f'r a ballot, +an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom has time f'r anny other +luxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, says I. What have they done +to injye this impeeryal suffrage that we fought an' bled f'r? Whin me +forefathers were followin' George Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th' +hardships that men endure campin' out in vacation time, what were th' +women doin'? They were back in Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin' +socks, followin' th' plow, plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses, +an' pursooin' th' other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect. +Afther th' war our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'r +their devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrim +fathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on their +property. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we won. + +"Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy job that +anny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a sthrong man's +with a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that requires what Hogan +calls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin votin'. It's th' hardest +wurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure daylight an' thramp over to th' +Timple iv Freedom, which is also th' office iv a livery stable. Wan iv +th' judges has a cold in his head an' closes all th' windows. Another +judge has built a roarin' fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hots +on it. Th' room is lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowded +with pathrites who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or three +polismen that maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don't +know annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polisman +in his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call thim, +th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' best +seegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy. + +"In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls glows an' +puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' sanchoo-ary iv Liberty +comes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment made iv carbolic acid, pours it +into a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' domestic attindants iv th' guests iv +th' house walks through fr'm makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chief +judge, who knows me well, because he shaves me three times a week, gives +me a contimchous stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lous +questions about me age. + +"I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman movin' +nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. They're all +occypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled voices f'r somewan +to light th' candle so they'll be sure they ain't votin' th' prohybition +ticket. Th' calico sheets over th' front iv th' booths wave an' ar-re +pushed out like th' curtains iv a Pullman car whin a fat man is +dhressin' inside while th' thrain is goin' r-round a curve. In time a +freeman bursts through, with perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurls +his suffrage at th' judge an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inch +iv lead pencil be rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th' +top iv th' dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life. + +"Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' fair. It's +men's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she cud bound +Kamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't qualified f'r it. +It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites like Mulkowsky th' +Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet that he ain't votin' f'r +th' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still over there pretindin' to be a +horse instead iv a free American givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge. + +"On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' April a +man goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him down th' +sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He don't mind +inhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if Molly Donahue +wint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing she'd do wud be to get +a broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' windows, disinfect th' booths, +take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' hang up a pitcher iv Niagary be +moonlight, chase out th' watchers an' polis, remove th' seegars, make +th' judges get a shave, an' p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no job +f'r her, an' I told her so. + +"'We demand a vote,' says she. 'All right,' says I, 'take mine. It's +old, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little th' worse +f'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in this counthry +f'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' use it as ye +please,' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry sleep iliction day +mornin',' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired iv it annyhow,' says I. +'But,' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young an' beautiful as ye want to +do annything so foolish as to vote?' says I. 'Ain't we intilligent +enough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too intilligent,' says I. 'But intilligence +don't give ye a vote.' + +"'What does, thin,' says she. 'Well,' says I, 'enough iv ye at wan time +wantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er Woman's Rights +Club?' 'Twinty,' says she. 'Make it three hundher,' says I, 'an' ye'll +be on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, does she? No, nor ye'er +sister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor ye'er aunt? All that iliction +day means to thim is th' old man goin' off in th' mornin' with a light +step an' fire in his eye, an' comin' home too late at night with a dent +in his hat, news-boys hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-four +votes had been cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8 +o'clock, an' Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'r +th' bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote, +they'll vote. Ye bet they will.' + +"'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' on'y th' +king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an Indyan. Th' king +clapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' polls, marked a cross +at th' head iv th' column where his name was, an' wint out to cheer th' +returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' says they: Votin' seems a +healthy exercise an' we'd like to thry it. Give us th' franchise or +we'll do things to ye. An' they got it. Thin it wint down through th' +earls an' th' markises an' th' rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'lly +all that was left iv it was flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy, +because they made a lot iv noise an' threatened to set fire to th' +barns.' + +"'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r it. No +wan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same token, there +ar-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep ye fr'm gettin'. +Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right coorse, on'y there ain't +enough iv thim. If there were forty thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hat +pins an' prepared to plunge th' same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies iv +female suffrage, an' if, instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th' +constablry, they charged an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th' +House iv Commons, an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th' +hat over th' eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure some +mimber wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrage +club was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't be +long befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate creams f'r +ye'er vote.' + +"'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this in th' +pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women invaded th' +capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They chased th' polis +acrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was agin th' bill, an' +tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv th' opposition. At 10 +o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud veto th' bill, an' +instantly a huge crowd iv excited females gathered in front of the White +House, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' 'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelled +whin th' Prisident's wife appeared on th' balcony an' made a brief +speech. She said she was a mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' she +felt safe in assuring her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. If +nicissry, she wud sign it hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a little +onruly, but he was frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th' +aujeence wud undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his +tantrums. A little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. At +prisint th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughter +settin' on his head. + +"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob proceeded down +Pinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' capital were jammed. +Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be th' hair iv th' head an' +made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote right. Immejately afther th' +prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop iv Matsachoosetts offered th' +suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' motion is out iv ordher,' began th' +Speaker. At this minyit a lady standin' behind th' chair dhrove a +darning needle through his coat tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker, +reachin' behind him with an agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it go +annyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong, +'I protest--' At this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th' +gall'ries. Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, hand +mirrors, fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber. +In the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud be +seen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to come +home to-night, polthroon.' + +"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his face +livid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was on'y about to +say I second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried without a +dissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it was opposed be +Jeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' leader iv th' +suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly insthructed th' clerk +to cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. To-night in th' prisince iv +a vast multichood th' Prisident was led out be his wife. He was +supported, or rather pushed, be two iv his burly daughters. He seemed +much confused, an' his wife had to point out th' place where he was to +sign. With tremblin' fingers he affixed his signature an' was led back. + +"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all avenin' with +good-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' dry goods stores, +which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was almost impossible to get +through. Iv coorse there were th' usual riochous scenes in th' dhrug +stores, where th' bibulous gathered at th' sody-wather counthers an' +cillybrated th' victory in lemon, vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thim +keepin' it up till 9 o'clock, or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about, +me child,' says I, 'ye may sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary, +f'r ye'll have as much right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th' +ward. But don't ask f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan give +thim to ye. A right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th' +matther with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned inside +out,' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, though to +tell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan did. Some time +some fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or betther still, th' +other fellows', f'r th' right to vote.'" + +"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't care. +What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a little +soap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to pollyticks. It +wudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be illicted to office +onless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his boots an' shaved his chin +wanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I care not who casts th' votes +iv me counthry so long as we can hold th' offices. An' there's on'y wan +way to keep the women out iv office, an' that's to give thim a vote." + + + + +THE BACHELOR TAX + + +"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' to put +a tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a tax on +bachelors? There's one on dogs." + +"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it five +dollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession to us. +They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow more thin +twice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year to see me +throttin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on me neck. If me +tax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' th' bachelor +catcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll be kept there +three days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be dhrowned onless th' +pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver see it, me boy. No, Sir. +Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men polytickally, as well as +handsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us we'll fight ye to th' end. If +worst comes to worst we won't pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyit +that light-footed heroes that have been eludin' onprincipled females all +their lives won't be able to dodge a little thing like a five-dollar +tax. There's no clumsy collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with a +man iv me age who has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r forty +years an' remains unmarrid. + +"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' Constitution an' +about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' highest jooty iv +citizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give a vote to th' shad? +Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports th' Naytional Governmint be +payin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th' schools ye +sind ye'er ignorant little childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses, +who does th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marrid +men start all th' wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whin +war is declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be if +they niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid again +an' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' their +widow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' their +rilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live on +afther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken iron in his +stomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension come fr'm th' +Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over here an' stick a +sthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close down me shop an' go out +somewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose me leg defindin' th' hearths +iv me counthry, me that niver had a hearth iv me own to warm me toes by +but th' oil stove in me bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd be +wantin' to tax like a pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain! + +"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye +tax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer lookin' lot iv +fellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're bachelors. 'Tis with us as +with th' ladies. A lady with an erratic face is sure to be marrid befure +a Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to wurruk right away an' what Hogan calls +th' doctrine iv av'rages is always with thim that starts early an' makes +manny plays. But th' Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an' +take her pick an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes up +with a scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a man +down fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young woman +have I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large fam'ly whin +her frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' most beautiful +woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds waitin' f'r some +wan to take her buggy ridin'. + +"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan had +thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enough +to vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan calls th' +graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain but +has a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't an' didn't always +keep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld cud see he'd be lynched +be th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. But 'tis diff'rent with us +comely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, we can afford to be haughty an' +peevish. It makes us more inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with a +gentle but supeeryor eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice, +pretty atthractive girl. I hope she'll marry well.' By an' by whin th' +roses fade fr'm our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th' +inivitable, run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th' +multichood iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlight +pitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all. + +"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' landscape. +Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints iv th' +tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors. +What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest neckties in th' +front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier iris, as Hogan says, th' +burnished bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor comin' down th' sthreet, +with his shiny plug hat an' his white vest, th' dimon stud that he wint +in debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoes +on his feet out-shinin' th' noonday sun. + +"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' his tie +undher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his gaiters in a +way that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver wore a pair iv +darned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in me hosiery I throw +thim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that men are onhappy because +they have no wan to darn their socks an' put buttons on their shirts. +Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy because his socks ar-re not +darned but because they ar-re. An' as f'r buttons on his shirt, whin +th' buttons comes off a bachelor's shirt he fires it out iv th' window. +His rule about clothes is thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit, +d'ye mind. Th' others to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th' +plumage iv a bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets her +buy his cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes to +him which he smokes. + +"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral side iv it. +What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. We're th' most +onselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv th' neighborhood +ar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me own. If ye shed a tear f'r +anny person but wan ye lose ye'er latch-key, but havin' no wan in +partiklar to sympathize with I'm supposed to sympathize with ivry wan. +On th' conthry if ye have anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th' +overburdened shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I must +bear thim alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say: +'Oh, he's a gay dog. Sarves him right.' An' if he goes on complainin' +he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes to +ye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes cryin', +an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick th' widow +O'Brien on me. + +"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid home +without th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' chair or +in th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I live in gr-reat +luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' manny things that it +can't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on th' flure an' chandyleers +hang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry +wine, port wine, champagne, beer, whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weiss +beer, cream de mint, curaso, an' binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhraw +at an opeem pipe an' r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman's +hand wudden't help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away, +th' beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business broke +into th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ile +paintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off a +frame that cost me two dollars iv good money.' If they knew that th' +on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a thrunk an' +that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me clothes, an' +that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's now a life-size +plaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at th' end iv a chain. + +"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran that's +escaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult position with +honor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so dangerous as whin she's +sorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' rises to her lips an' th' +nurse light comes into her eyes, I know 'tis time f'r me to take me hat +an' go. An' if th' hat's not handy I go without it. + +"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear ladies. But +I say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on ye'er best +frinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us bachelors have +saved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we th' hope iv th' +future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' onmarrid ladies ar-re +to marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, they must look forward to. +We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're bachelors because we can't make a +choice. Ye all look so lovely to us that we hate to bring th' tears into +th' eyes iv others iv ye be marryin' some iv ye. Considher our +onforchnit position an' be kind. Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'r +slaves. Don't thry to coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. If +ye tax us there's hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't fling +his five dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th' +expense.'" + + + + +THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES + + +"Ye'er frind Simpson was in here awhile ago," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he +was that mad." + +"What ailed him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "it seems he wint into me frind Hip Lung's +laundhry to get his shirt an' it wasn't ready. Followin' what Hogan +calls immemoryal usage, he called Hip Lung such names as he cud remimber +and thried to dhrag him around th' place be his shinin' braid. But +instead iv askin' f'r mercy, as he ought to, Hip Lung swung a flat-iron +on him an' thin ironed out his spine as he galloped up th' stairs. He +come to me f'r advice an' I advised him to see th' American consul. +Who's th' American consul in Chicago now? I don't know. But Hogan, who +was here at th' time, grabs him be th' hand an' says he: 'I +congratulate ye, me boy,' he says. 'Ye have a chance to be wan iv th' +first martyrs iv th' white race in th' gr-reat sthruggle that's comin' +between thim an' th' smoked or tinted races iv th' wurruld,' he says. +'Ye'll be another Jawn Brown's body or Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Go back an' +let th' Chink kill ye an' cinchries hence people will come with wreathes +and ate hard-biled eggs on ye'er grave,' he says. + +"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was a +retail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, though +he got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' sthreet an' he +thought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. So he wint away. + +"Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us blondes +since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' gr-reatest +prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble. +No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasant +days. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms, +hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan that +predicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th' tea leaves an' +see th' institutions iv th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling +not to say grinnin', fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's +laid waste with fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'm +onhappy about to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyest +man in th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' to +happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy to-day +because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is goin' to be. +Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic next Saturdah.' +Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic.' + +"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. He +cudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv wan +through three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' most +blindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He's +predicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand that +haven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United States navy wud +be so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young fellow to row his girl +in Union Park. He can see a war cloud where I can't see annything but +somebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reat +foreign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r th' job f'r he's best late at night. + +"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' wurruld to +rejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' us black and +blue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in thim eggs or I'll +throw ye in th' fire. 'Yassir,' says Sam. 'Comin',' he says. 'Twas: 'Wow +Chow, while ye'er idly stewin' me cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaid +bills.' I wud feel repaid be a kick,' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'Maharajah +Sewar, swing th' fan swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip.' +'Higgins Sahib,' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawd +an' Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. My +blood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. 'Twas thine +old man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle up f'r eighty +days. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's flesh cooked f'r +breakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' ye?' + +"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans were +starved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has passed around +an' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' up. He says they +have aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates ours be miles. They have +no wires or poles or wathered stock but th' population is so thick that +whin they want to sind wurrud along th' line all they have to do is f'r +wan man to nudge another an' something happens in Northern Chiny is +known in Southern Indya befure sunset. And so it passed through th' +undherwurruld that th' color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an' +Hogan says that almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin' +through a window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in a +basement instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'll +be settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' watchin' +ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' wondhrn' whin +th' lynchin' party'll arrive. + +"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so much in +thim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan thin I have +iv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty cow. I have often +leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' his cow. Sometimes I +wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good an' large a cow as that +shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. But if Dorgan's cow shud +stand up on her hind legs, kick over the bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th' +lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin +shootin' at me, I wudden't be more surprised thin I am at th' idee iv +Japan bein' wan iv th' nations iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th' +subjick races got to kick about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to +thim. We sint thim missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their +relligyon an' nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin' +people like betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny +means where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an' +excitin' locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that +cud pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd +yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what was +wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose to th' +dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No Chinyman cud +fail to be pleased at seein' a tall Englishman hittin' th' Chinyman's +grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint explorers up th' Nile who +raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a +fact that th' naygurs had known f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces +that he has changed th' names iv these wather-coorses to Smith, +Blifkins an' Winkinson. He wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he +iver ate a native alive. But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a +counthry an' Sir Alfred is no viggytaryan. + +"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've done so +much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with war. Th' Chinese +won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv their +cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away their +piannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th' +levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel +onaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up. +Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we +lick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will +set fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against +th' white man. + +"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y funny whin +it's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped laughin' at +Jap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' I'm gettin' over +that feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' so scared as whin +something he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns on him. If a fellow man +hits him he hits him back. But if a dog bites him he yells 'mad dog' an' +him an' th' neighbors pound th' dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygurs +down South iver got together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no more +coon songs f'r awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it out +iv us an' we ar-re about th' same as th' rest." + +"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at us +together?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp us." + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to speak +more acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been infeeryor too +long to change. It's got to be a habit with thim." + + + + +PANICS + + +"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim impechuse +prooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv fi-nance, +cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are ye not? I see +be th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have been a brave man; ye +have had faith in th' future iv our counthry; ye have perceived that our +financial institutions are sound if they are nawthin' else. Ye +undherstand that it's upon th' self-resthraint iv men like th' likes iv +ye that th' whole credit iv th' nation depinds. I read it in the +pa-apers an' 'tis thrue. Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'y +way ye or me cud rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be be +means iv a brace an' bit. + +"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to George B. +Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. Rockyfellar, +th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' clearing out +comity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that have stood firmly +with their backs to th' wall an' declared that anny money taken out iv +their institutions wud be taken over their dead bodies. They have +behaved as American gintlemen shud behave whin foorce iv circumstances +compels thim to behave that way. But if, in this tur-rible imergency I +am obliged to tell th' truth, I've got to confess to ye that th' thanks +iv th' nation, a little bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boys +that niver had a cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They have +disturbed none iv our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance has +turned green to see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life through +a closed payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv a +hammer can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther a +pearl necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, has +throubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' other +mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an' +though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic I +felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovel +on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th' +tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be +downcast. It's all right. I just see Hinnissy go by with his shovel.' + +"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that causes +panics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' money. Th' top +iv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard times is good times. +Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his shouldher dodgin' eight thousand +autymobills I begin to think 'tis time to put me money in me boot." + +"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. Hennessy. +"What does it all mean?" + +"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. Dooley. 'Tis +what is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r the sake iv +argymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r th' sake iv +argymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you wudden't be at +anny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' shoes. But supposin' +fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye get two dollars a day f'r +makin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye take part of ye'er ill-gotten +gains an' leave it with me f'r dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' money +over to th' shoe store an' buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th' +fellow at th' shoe store puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss. +Ye'er boss sees ye're dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv things +th' distillery business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to a +distiller. Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an' +havin' fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I owe +th' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money f'r th' +shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He goes over to th' +bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in a window. An' there +ye are. That's credit. + +"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan th' +banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though an +earthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory an' a +jail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks as solid as +though th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv him. See him with +his goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl buttons iv his vest. He +niver give me much more thin a nod out iv th' north-east corner iv his +left eyebrow, but he was always very kind an' polite to Mulligan, th' +little tailor. Except that I thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r me +an' none at all f'r Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on a +corner near th' bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'rite +journal in wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is a +coward,' says Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys public +confidence,' says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv his +life,' says I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,' +says I. 'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th' +likes iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I. +'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's as +sthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it up,' +says he. An' he wint. + +"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. Panics an' +circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv th' poor. An' a +time iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't too much. A little +while ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper annything about th' fellow that +had his money in th' bank anny more thin ye'd read about th' spectators +at a prize fight. 'Twas all what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'. +'Who's that man with th' plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin' +joint?' 'That's th' prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's that +shakin' dice at th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrust +comp'ny.' An' so it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal to +th' good sense iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, but +it might just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here, +Mulligan, me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther. +It's got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our heads +but a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash or +on-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher th' +situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' pathritism, +th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' face iv great +danger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' hole. Regards to Mrs. +Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't answer in person (signed) Jawn +D. Rockyfellar.' + +"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble be havin' +money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second place. Mulligan +will settle it all be carryin' his money back to th' bank where money +belongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, me boy. Cheer up. +'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or some time. 'Tis wan +good thing about this here wurruld, that nawthin' lasts long enough to +hurt. I have been through manny a panic. I cud handle wan as well as +Morgan. Panics cause thimsilves an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do I +blame for this wan? Grogan blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blames +Mulligan; to-morrah he won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will be +over. I blame no wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, be +brave, be ca'm an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy in +th' wurruld, an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him to +shovel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right. + +"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked Mr. +Hennessy. + +"Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick just as it +jumped off th' roof." + + + + +OCEAN TRAVEL + + +"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come acrost th' +Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord at Liverpool on +Saturday were in New York Friday afthernoon." + +"But that's more thin four days." + +"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out th' +way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt limited +has broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York (Harrisburg) to +Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours.' But with a steamboat 'tis +different. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' what's left is th' +v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean greyhound or levithin iv th' +seas has broken all records iv transatlantic passages except thim made +be th' Germans. She has thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th' +coast iv Ireland that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook +lightship) in four or five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves.' So if +ye've anny frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim did +they swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If they +didn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it takes +to cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' house to +boordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on th' time ye go +to bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over on a five-day boat +has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his wife what he did with th' +other two days. No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into account +th' longest, roughest an' most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is +through th' New York custom house. + +"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th' +Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him +crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings. +Th' grand times they must've had. Time was whin a man got on a boat an' +was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers iv +modhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game iv +pinochle with another fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy +comes down th' deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad +tidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his +furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other +hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Just +as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island or +floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th' +pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy +bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most +marked. They make a handsome couple.' + +"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat. +In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpool +and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. Now ye r-read +iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie in th' billyard +tournymint was played off last night. Th' resthrants are crowded nightly +an' great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th' brilliant +illuminations. Th' public gardens are in full bloom an' are much +frequented be childher rollin' hoops and sailin' boats in th' artificial +lake. Th' autymobill speedway gives gr-reat satisfaction. Th' opening +day iv th' steeplechase races was a success. Th' ilivator in th' left +annex fell thirteen stories Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th' +brokerage house iv Conem an' Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiver +to-day. Th' failure was due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend anny +more money on hat pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church is +undher repair. Th' _Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color presses +an' will begin printin' a colored supplement Sunday next.' An' so it +goes. It ain't a boat at all. It's a city. + +"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it says it's +a boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time,' says I, 'in this floatin' palace, +atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at th' beautifully jooled +ladies,' says I. 'Ah,' says I, 'th' wondhers iv science that cud put +together a conthrivance th' like iv that,' says I. 'It's a boat,' says +he. 'That's th' best I can say about it,' says he. 'Did ye not glide +noiselessly through th' wather?' says I? 'I did not,' says he. 'Divvle +th' glide. We bumped along pretty fast an' th' injines made noises like +injines an' th' ship creaked like anny ship.' 'An' wasn't th' food +fine?' 'It depinded on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days, +an' too much iv it on other days.' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?' +'No wan knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' lady +that searched thim at th' custom house. + +"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley,' says he. 'A boat's a boat. That's +all it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on land. A +millyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a longshoreman +on earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way down to th' +steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I says to mesilf: +I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental luxury. Whin I got +aboord th' decks were crowded with happy people worryin' about their +baggage an' wondherin' already whether th' inspector in New York wud get +onto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. I give th' old an' enfeebled +English gintleman that carried me satchel a piece iv silver. He touched +his cap to me an' says Cue. Cue is th' English f'r I thank ye +kindly in Irish. He carrid me bag downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin' +down an' down till we touched bottom, thin we rambled through long lanes +neatly decorated with steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel. +That was me boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsome +berths in it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypied +be a gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'm +London an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief an' +wint up on th' roof iv th' ship. + +"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv ladies were +stretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, pretindin' to read +an' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. Three or four hundherd +men had begun to walk around th' ship with their hands folded behind +thim. A poker game between four rale poker players an' a man that didn't +know th' game but had sharp finger-nails was already started in th' +smokin'-room. About that time I begun to have a quare sinsation. I +haven't been able to find out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary. +I wasn't sea-sick, mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin' +in me forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kind +iv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' thried +to look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I didn't have +anny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't like th' smell +iv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to make th' place in me +head worse. Sivral times I wint to th' dinin'-room intindin' to jine th' +jovyal comp'ny there but quit at th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don't +know how to account f'r it. Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage, +but sivral hundherd who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beef +tea on deck spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it to +th' ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker as +to a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it was +th' most important ivint iv th' passage. + +"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find annybody that +wud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing to have to force +money on an Englishman in a uniform like an admiral's an' talkin' with +an accent that manny iv th' finest people on th' deck were thryin' to +imitate, but I schooled mesilf to it. An' sthrange to say they niver +refused. They were even betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whin +th' fellow that pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r me +touched me on th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eye +that made me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call five +bobs over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. He +touched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done wan +thing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected with th' +legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud hand a piece iv +change to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' Conyard line has +passed a dividend. They ought to make a merger with th' head stoort,' +says he. + +"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a hotel. +But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it 'tis wondherful +that anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. Th' Atlantic Ocean is +a fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv wather just th' same. It +wasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye cud put ye'er foot through it +annywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. Th' on'y time a human being can +float in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horseshoe into it an' +th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross an' he builds a boat iv th' +same mateeryal as a millyon horseshoes, loads it up with machinery, +pushes it out on th' billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as ye +plaze. If he didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dure +off its hinges an' go on that. + +"All ye have to do is to tell him there's land on th' other side iv th' +ragin' flood an' he'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at it.' Ye talk +about th' majesty iv th' ocean but what about th' majesty iv this here +little sixty-eight be eighteen inches bump iv self-reliance that treats +it like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a wondher to me that th' ocean +don't get tired iv growlin' an' roarin' at th' race iv men. They don't +pay anny heed to it's hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it +as though it was a good dog. 'How lovely our ocean looks undher our +moon.' Whin it rises in its wrath they show their contimpt f'r it be +bein' sea-sick into it. But no matther how it behaves they niver quit +usin' its face f'r a right iv way. They'll niver subjoo it but it niver +bates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little man's +sthruggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a decision on +points." + +"Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land," said Mr. Hennessy. +"Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?" + +"Not," said Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats on +throlleys." + + + + +WORK + + +"Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley. + +"Not yet," said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' mills +to-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now." + +"Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley. + +"Ye bet I will," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand firm be +union principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there these days. I +wudden't mind havin' a few weeks off." + +"Ye'll do right to quit," said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy with +sthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have with +people goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's vacation. +If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' men that have +made our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth iv th' wurruld--if +I had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' constitution, which thank Gawd I +haven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all th' time durin' th' heated term. I'd +begin sthrikin' whin th' flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'd +stay on sthrike till 'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th' +baseball park. Ye bet I wud. + +"I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time. +Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th' +summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, fannin' th' +cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, whin th' main +guy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r exceedin' th' speed limit, +whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at nights an' th' Sox have started a +batting sthreak, th' son iv Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling calls +him, begins to think iv th' rights iv labor. + +"Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about his +rights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss an' +saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, but so +are picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same not gettin' +up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r th' first time in +their good clothes an' th' same thumpin' sthrangers over th' head with a +brick. Afther awhile th' main guy comes home fr'm th' seaside, raises +wages twinty per cent, fires th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygate +as a specyal partner. + +"But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our industhreel +system blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' foundhry thin in th' +home. There is no hearth as ample in anny man's home as th' hearth th' +Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It is pleasant to see th' citizen +afther th' rigors iv a night at home hurryin' to th' mills to toast his +numbed limbs in th' warm glow iv th' Bessemer furnace. About this time +th' main guy takes a look at the thermometer an' chases th' specyal +partner out iv th' office with th' annual report iv th' Civic +Featheration. He thin summons his hardy assocyates about him an' says +he: 'Boys, I will no longer stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions. +Conditions has changed since last summer. It's grown much colder. I do +not care f'r the money at stake, but there is a great principle +involved. I cannot consint to have me business run be outsiders at a +cost iv near thirty thousand dollars a year,' says he. An' there's a +lockout. + +"'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get me +sympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me sympathy f'r +th' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm his toil an' that +has to sweat through August with no chanst iv gettin' a day in th' open +onless th' milishy are ordhered out an' thin whin he goes back to wurruk +th' chances are somebody's got his job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' man +returns with his pockets full iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be the +main guy. If I was rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a son +iv Marthy I'd be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin' +season. They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry not +to meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayers +always time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to be +done. + +"No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' man whin +he's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft op'rators that have +laid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as though they were +sufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft op'rator come home +last week with a smile on his face. 'I have good news f'r ye, mother,' +says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope sthrugglin' with fear in +her face. 'Ye've guessed it,' says he. 'We weren't exactly ordhered out. +Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a series iv sharp whistles fr'm the +walkin' dillygate, but, whin that didn't come an' we were tired iv +waitin' th' report iv th' baseball game come over th' wires an' we +mistook that f'r a signal. Ye must get the childher ready f'r a day in +th' counthry. We can't tell how soon this sthruggle again th' greed iv +capital will be declared off an' we must make th' most iv it while it +lasts,' says he. + +"I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key that has a +fine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be up in time to +flag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number thirty-two goes +through at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into each other, turn +switches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps an' hand out time tables +an' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations he dhraws down all th' way fr'm +fifteen to twinty dollars a week. An' he wants to sthrike. An' th' +pa-apers say if he does he'll tie up our impeeryal railroad systems. +Think iv that. I never had much iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver done +f'r me was to misspell me name. He's a little thin man that cudden't +lift an eighth iv beer with both hands, but he's that important if he +leaps his job we'll all have to walk. + +"I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv th' Liquor +Dealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher me to lay down +me lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But nawthin' iv th' +kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud care a sthraw. Th' +whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me frind Ike Simpson, the +tillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but me or Pierpont Morgan might +quit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. Supposin' Rockyfellar an' Pierpont +Morgan an' Jim Hill shud form a union, an' shud demand a raise iv a +millyon dollars a year, reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hour +ivry week, th' closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wan +allowed to make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrike +comity waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light a +seegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our flannel +shirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher. + +"We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not submit. F'r +years we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are plenty iv men to +take ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at first but they'll +soon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can bang th' dure afther +ye.' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have thryin' to persuade ye be +peaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think iv him on th' dead line +thryin' to coax ye not to go in but to stand by him as he would sit on +ye if you were in th' same position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'er +coat in his hands as ye plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort to +vilence. Th' stock exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud be +called out an' afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with their +hats in their hands an' find their old places took be other men. + +"No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis a +sthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a man +gets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld that he shud +go on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a combination wedding an' +divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head about him. But if ye shud go +to Paris--excuse me f'r laughin' mesilf black in th' face--th' +industhrees iv the counthry pines away. + +"An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts to. We +cud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but we'd have a +divvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on th' fellow that +dhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him ye'd niver be able to +pursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon iv pushin' th' barrow. Whin +Andhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'll +have to come back. P'raps that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't get +more iv thim little pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv a +Saturdah night. If he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to be +kept in thrainin'. + +"Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a little +money an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him happy, too. +I don't mean coarse, mateeryal happiness like private yachts an' +autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. I mean +something entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I see in th' +pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness was hard wurruk. +'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a hall an' preach it in +Newport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy Road where wurruk abounds. I +don't want to be run in f'r incitin' a riot. + +"This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' time to. +He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre lot. There's +nawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at night with his +nose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame home an' dhreams iv +cinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he walks in his sleep to +wake th' cow that left th' call f'r four o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'r +feedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. Th' sun arises as usual in th' +east an' bein' a keen student iv nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to put +in his hat. Breakfast follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin' +at nine-three. Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on a +bicycle seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, with +nawthin' but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with. +An' so he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get in +ear-shot iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'm +sufferin' his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tis +sthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday. + +"No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good f'r anny +man. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' stomach's sake +an' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye mind. But a gr-reat +deal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, will hurt anny man that +indulges in it. So, though I don't sympathize with sthrikers, I +congratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, while the iron is hot an' ye'er most +needed to pound it into a horseshoe. An' especially wud I advise +ivrybody to sthrike whin th' weather is hot." + + + + +DRUGS + + +"What ails ye?" asked Mr. Dooley of Mr. Hennessy, who looked dejected. + +"I'm a sick man," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Since th' picnic?" + +"Now that I come to think iv it, it did begin th' day afther th' +picnic," said Mr. Hennessy. "I've been to see Dock O'Leary. He give me +this an' these here pills an' some powdhers besides. An' d'ye know, +though I haven't taken anny iv thim yet, I feel betther already." + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a doctor. A man +that's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers to enjye life. Th' +likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, peaceful day in th' +counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a football in th' sun an' ivry +fifteen minyits or so washin' down a couple of dill-pickles with a +bottle of white pop. Th' next day ye get what's comin' to ye in th' +right place an' bein' a sthrong, hearty man that cudden't be kilt be +annything less thin a safe fallin' on ye fr'm a twenty-story building ye +know ye ar-re goin' to die. Th' good woman advises a mustard plasther +but ye scorn th' suggestion. What good wud a mustard plasther be again +this fatal epidemic that is ragin' inside iv ye? Besides a mustard +plasther wud hurt. So th' good woman, frivilous crather that she is, +goes back to her wurruk singin' a light chune. She knows she's goin' to +have to put up with ye f'r some time to come. A mustard plasther, +Hinnissy, is th' rale test iv whether a pain is goin' to kill ye or not. +If the plasther is onbearable ye can bet th' pain undherneath it is not. + +"But ye know ye are goin' to die an' ye're not sure whether ye'll send +f'r Father Kelly or th' doctor. Ye finally decide to save up Father +Kelly f'r th' last an' ye sind f'r th' Dock. Havin' rescued ye fr'm th' +jaws iv death two or three times befure whin ye had a sick headache th' +Dock takes his time about comin', but just as ye are beginnin' to throw +ye'er boots at th' clock an' show other signs iv what he calls rigem +mortar, he rides up in his fine horse an' buggy. He gets out slowly, one +foot at a time, hitches his horse an' ties a nose bag on his head. Thin +he chats f'r two hundherd years with th' polisman on th' beat. He tells +him a good story an' they laugh harshly. + +"Whin th' polisman goes his way th' Dock meets th' good woman at th' +dure an' they exchange a few wurruds about th' weather, th' bad +condition iv th' sthreets, th' health iv Mary Ann since she had th' +croup an' ye'ersilf. Ye catch th' wurruds, 'Grape Pie,' 'Canned Salmon,' +'Cast-iron digestion.' Still he doesn't come up. He tells a few stories +to th' childher. He weighs th' youngest in his hands an' says: 'That's a +fine boy ye have, Mrs. Hinnissy. I make no doubt he'll grow up to be a +polisman.' He examines th' phottygraft album an' asks if that isn't +so-an'-so. An' all this time ye lay writhin' in mortal agony an' sayin' +to ye'ersilf: 'Inhuman monsther, to lave me perish here while he chats +with a callous woman that I haven't said annything but What? to f'r +twinty years.' + +"Ye begin to think there's a conspiracy against ye to get ye'er money +befure he saunters into th' room an' says in a gay tone: 'Well, what +d'ye mane be tyin' up wan iv th' gr-reat industhrees iv our nation be +stayin' away fr'm wurruk f'r a day?' 'Dock,' says ye in a feeble voice, +'I have a tur'ble pain in me abdumdum. It reaches fr'm here to here,' +makin' a rough sketch iv th' burned disthrict undher th' blanket. 'I +felt it comin' on last night but I didn't say annything f'r fear iv +alarmin' me wife, so I simply groaned,' says ye. + +"While ye ar-re describin' ye'er pangs, he walks around th' room lookin' +at th' pictures. Afther ye've got through he comes over an says: 'Lave +me look at ye'er tongue. 'Hum,' he says, holdin' ye'er wrist an' bowin' +through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet car. 'Does that +hurt?' he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' suburbs iv th' pain. +'Ye know it does,' says ye with a groan. 'Don't do that again. Ye +scratched me.' He hurls ye'er wrist back at ye an' stands at th' window +lookin' out at th' firemen acrost th' sthreet playin' dominoes. He says +nawthin' to ye an' ye feel like th' prisoner while th' foreman iv th' +jury is fumblin' in his inside pocket f'r th' verdict. Ye can stand it +no longer. 'Dock,' says he, 'is it annything fatal? I'm not fit to die +but tell me th' worst an' I will thry to bear it. 'Well,' says he, 'ye +have a slight interioritis iv th' semi-colon. But this purscription +ought to fix ye up all right. Ye'd betther take it over to th' dhrug +sthore an' have it filled ye'ersilf. In th' manetime I'd advise ye to be +careful iv ye'er dite. I wudden't ate annything with glass or a large +percintage iv plasther iv Paris in it.' An' he goes away to write his +bill. + +"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read +his purscription. F'r all ye know, it may be a short note to th' +dhruggist askin' him to hit ye on th' head with a pestle. An' it's a +good thing ye can't read it. If ye cud, ye'd say: 'I'll not cash this in +at no dhrug store. I'll go over to Dooley's an' get th' rale thing.' So, +afther thryin' to decipher this here corner iv a dhress patthern, ye +climb into ye'er clothes f'r what may be ye'er last walk up Ar-rchy +Road. As ye go along ye begin to think that maybe th' Dock knows ye have +th' Asiatic cholery an' was onl'y thryin' to jolly ye with his manner iv +dealin' with ye. As ye get near th' dhrug store ye feel sure iv it, an' +'tis with th' air iv a man without hope that ye hand th' paper to a +young pharmycist who is mixin' a two-cent stamp f'r a lady customer. He +hands it over to a scientist who is compoundin' an ice-cream soda f'r a +child, with th' remark: 'O'Leary's writin' is gettin' worse an' worse. I +can't make this out at all.' 'Oh,' says th' chemist, layin' down his +spoon, 'that's his old cure f'r th' bellyache. Ye'll find a bucket iv +it in th' back room next to th' coal scuttle.' + +"It's a gr-reat medicine he give ye. It will do ye good no matther what +ye do with it. I wud first thry poorin' some iv it in me hair. If that +don't help ye see how far ye can throw th' bottle into th' river. Ye +feel betther already. Ye ought to write to th' medical journals about +th' case. It is a remarkable cure. 'M---- H---- was stricken with +excruciating tortures in th' gastric regions followin' an unusually +severe outing in th' counthry. F'r a time it looked as though it might +be niciss'ry to saw out th' infected area, but as this wud lave an ugly +space between legs an' chin, it was determined to apply Jam. Gin. +VIII. Th' remedy acted instantly. Afther carryin' th' bottle uncorked +f'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed signs iv +recovery an' is now again in his accustomed health.' + +"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' all th' +time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into whin I +wasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no good. An' +that wud be most iv me cases. + +"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. 'Ye'ers is a +very thrying pro-fissyon,' says I. 'It is,' says he. 'I'm tired out,' +says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases to-day?' says I. 'It +isn't that,' says he, 'but I'm not a very muscular man,' he says, 'an' +some iv th' windows in these old frame houses are hard to open,' he +says. Th' Dock don't believe much in dhrugs. He says that if he wasn't +afraid iv losin' his practice he wudn't give annybody annything but +quinine an' he isn't sure about that. He says th' more he practises +medicine th' more he becomes a janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. He +says if people wud on'y call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolish +ivry disease in th' ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he's +lookin' forward to th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll hear +a voice sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well in +his life.' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th' +horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a pipeful +iv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block.' + +"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him or +annything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' doctor +was th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er mustache, +give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while ye were havin' +ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv doctors has had +their favrite remedies. Wanst people were cured iv fatal maladies be +applications iv blind puppies, hair fr'm the skulls iv dead men an' +solutions iv bat's wings, just as now they're cured be dhrinkin' a +tayspoonful iv a very ordhinary article iv booze that's had some kind iv +a pizenous weed dissolved in it. + +"Dhrugs, says Dock O'Leary, are a little iv a pizen that a little more +iv wud kill ye. He says that if ye look up anny poplar dhrug in th' +ditchnry ye'll see that it is 'A very powerful pizen of great use in +medicine.' I took calomel at his hands f'r manny years till he told me +that it was about the same thing they put into Rough on Rats. Thin I +stopped. If I've got to die, I want to die on th' premises. + +"But, as he tells me, ye can't stop people from takin' dhrugs an' ye +might as well give thim something that will look important enough to be +inthrojuced to their important an' fatal cold in th' head. If ye don't, +they'll leap f'r the patent medicines. Mind ye, I haven't got annything +to say again patent medicines. If a man wud rather take thim thin dhrink +at a bar or go down to Hop Lung's f'r a long dhraw, he's within his +rights. Manny a man have I known who was a victim iv th' tortures iv a +cigareet cough who is now livin' comfortable an' happy as an opeem fiend +be takin' Doctor Wheezo's Consumption Cure. I knew a fellow wanst who +suffered fr'm spring fever to that extent that he niver did a day's +wurruk. To-day, afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home +not on'y with th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is a +dhrug store on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloons +onless th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine +or chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinal +minigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile." + +"Don't ye iver take dhrugs?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Niver whin I'm well," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I'm sick, I'm so sick I'd +take annything." + + + + +A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP + + +"Hogan was in here just now," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me he was +talkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to have war +with th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. Befure very +long thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand us a crack in th' +eye an' thin ye'll see throuble." + +"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Divvle a thing can I make out iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan says +we've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much fightin' I'd +do f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, which ar-re a blamed +nuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're about as vallyable as a toy +balloon to a horse-shoer, we've got to grab a lot iv th' surroundin' +dampness to protect thim. That's wan reason why we're sure to have war. +Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their little +forty-five-year-old childher to be iddycated in th' San Francisco public +schools. A third reason why it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Alderman +is that they'd been dhrinkin' together. + +"Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this counthry +cud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little Oryentals? +Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' home fr'm th' +bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around th' top iv a Jap's +head while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately about th' waist an' +they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo.' D'ye raymimber how we hollered with +joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th' bottom iv a +man-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we cheered in th' theaytre to see th' +cute little sojers iv th' Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyan +moojiks with masheen guns. An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone a +thousand miles into Rooshyan territory an' were about busted an' ayether +had to stop fightin' or not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, ye +know who I mean, jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It's +gone far enough to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An th' angel iv peace +brooded over th' earth an' crowed lustily. + +"Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column next to +th' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' defeat iv +Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw a Jap +annywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink. + +"Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little people. +How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akel +to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thin +anny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eight +days with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an old +civvylization but not tainted be age. Millyons iv years befure th' +first white man set fut in Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th' +mannyfacther iv patent wringers, sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones, +autymobills, ice-cream freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv our +boasted Westhren divilopement. + +"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a Jap +soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to have +his head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. Their treatment +iv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ago befure th' +higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this counthry, th' poorest +man in Japan cud sind his daughter to a tea-house, which is th' same as +our female siminaries, where she remained till she gradyated as th' wife +iv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push. + +"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O'Casey's +pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back, +was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' gr-reatest +athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Johnson +over a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cud +blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finest +soordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a Japanese soordsman wint into a +combat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thin +he uttered a bloodcurdlin' cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fifty +times over th' head iv th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eight +hundred an' ninety-six, give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud +'tag,' an' clove him to th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classes +engaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade but +started banks an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance. +He cud devote his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he got +two dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch iv +art that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they had us +beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld an' formerly +friends iv th' Prisidint. + +"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' pa-apers. I +invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' Lord hadn't given +me two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkiline nose, but a nose +like an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap +an' belong to th' higher civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that used +to come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a +cook an' a student in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hour +about th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh, +wondherful land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherry +blossoms a' gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' says +Prince Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I +salute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' may +ye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. Banzai,' +says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help on th' cause, +Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's collection f'r eighteen +dollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' next +mornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his new overcoat an' th' rest was +meltin' all over th' flure. + +"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' two +gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time Hogan got +th' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan outrage news both +stopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled to +Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidint +beginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a brick put through his hat as he wint to +visit th' foorth assistant to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant to +th' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to +his Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little +later a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive +in person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin' +ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth iv +their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel. +Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally were +shot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a +prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th' +Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line +men, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv +dinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th' +Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun, +austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign +attintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin' +childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th' +first reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, we +adore ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud've +shook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove our +affection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye'er +shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th' school system +is well worth studyin'.' + +"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years ago with +blood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything will happen. +Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has announced that +rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm larnin' his +a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite, +an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump lately +an' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r an invasion. Out there +they're beginnin' to talk about what nice people th' Chinese ar-re +compared with our old frinds an' allies. They say that th' Jap'nese grow +up too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a +Jap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a +little lamb,' and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools +he'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in." + +"We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't stand up +befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours." + +"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe we +on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it be +th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty iv +peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim +th' Ph'lippeens!" + + + + +THE ARMY CANTEEN + + +"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine sight. +Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' Doherty is th' +champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight. He had a +little th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get a neck holt, th' warryor +havin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reat +to see thim doin' a cart-wheel down th' sthreet." + +"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if ye +didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed. +Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' motto iv our brave +fellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis 'Wine f'r th' thremblin' +debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' 'Tis 'Father, dear father, +come home with me now.' An' who did it? Who is it that improves men an' +makes thim more ladylike, an' thin quits thim, but th' ladies? This here +reform was carried out be th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union, +no less. Ye see, 'twas this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theery +that dhrink an' fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye +fought ye drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd iv +war, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd +iv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to do th' +Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' says: 'That +fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to stand that?' an' +Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker ar-re behind ivry war. + +"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers. Up +at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors cud go an' besot +thimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was a sad sight to see +thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th' damp +sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these temples iv hell an' +swillin' down th' hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. To +this palace iv vice th' inthrepid definder iv his Nation's honor +hastened whin he had completed th' arjoos round iv his jooties, after he +had pressed th' Lootinant's clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mended +th' roof iv th' Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel's +wife, an' written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th' +food. There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th' +cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an' +thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th' +bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper. + +"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As a +dillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv America +I've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellow +fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show be +goin' into the army. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an' time +again to take th' Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin' +th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in +this thraffic in th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whin +dacint citizens were puttin' up their good money a block away an' niver +a soul comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress pay +anny attintion to us? It did not. + +"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' Christyan +Timp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at th' +last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they disthributed +copies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish,' among +our sojery. Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv our +gallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an outlyin' building, an' says wan iv +thim: 'What can they be in such a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel. +Let us go in.' An' in they wint. + +"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes was +enough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an' +blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happy +though single f'r four hundred years, an' that next to alcohol is th' +greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' wretches were playin' +cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; others were indulgin' in +music, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r idleness, while still others were +intint on th' furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell. +But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed +with unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans +shtud a bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellow +flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as I am +to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. But +concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be th' +taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv America, +supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' th' +flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer. + +"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not remain long +in this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' dillygation +recovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was thryin' to +skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to his +ineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye ralize that that +bottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. 'I think ye'er +wrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he says. 'Soon or late,' she +says, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' she says. 'Not me,' says th' +vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I don't care f'r rum. A pleasant +companyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little iv +th' Demon Hot Water an' th' Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has a +perfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum, +madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's a +demon,' says he. 'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?' +says she. 'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annything +sthronger without desertin,' he says. + +"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye know what a +Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Th' on'y +thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y thing I'd be afraid iv, +an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv is +th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' ten +commandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make +thim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.' +But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been +there befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair +in th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand, +an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat. +'Ladies,' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th' +ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an +adder,' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th' +Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that +will dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We +abolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make +th' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have +ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, 'th' +popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Ye +see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle iv +Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!' + +"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all right +now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Some +iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened places +convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corroding +beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I see +wan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If the +sojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes +care iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve +dollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times +eight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th' +coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeepers holds +its next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send dillygates to th' Young +Ladies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought to be what th' unions call +an affilyated organization." + +"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's right." + +"An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' th' +sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's as much +iv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r a year. I'd +give up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to escape th' throuble I +have fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I don't deny it. I'll admit I'm +no betther thin an ordinhry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something that +cures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th' +lungs. If it really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an' +ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life. +Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think he +was betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance has +thrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat ar-re +eppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. It's a frind +to thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those that love it most. +It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go out. I tell ye 'tis a +threacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be given to ivry man. + +"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish priest +to see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. F'r wan man +he'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock O'Leary does whin he +ordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another he'd write: 'Three times +a day at meals.' But most people he wudden't prescribe it f'r at all. + +"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud iv +me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanic +an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden't +care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah into +th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have to +get me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds. + +"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried to reform +man, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe he's not worth +reformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be allowed to pizen +himsilf into th' belief that he amounts to something, but thin they +don't undherstand man. They little know what a bluff he is an' how 'tis +on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no use +except to burn undher a tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all. +He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. They +see how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take it +away fr'm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he's +dhrunk he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside out +as well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th' +fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an' +something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know that +there is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an' +that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved that otherwise +might've died single." + +"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it." + +"Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver been +really against it." + + + + +THINGS SPIRITUAL + + +"Th' latest thing in science," said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' human +soul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye befure ye +die an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is what ye'er +soul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv a soul in New +England is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he argies that th' +conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' soul wud be in th' +heavyweight class, f'r th' New England conscience is no feather. He +thinks it don't escape with th' soul, but lies burrid in th' roons iv +its old fam'ly home--th' liver. + +"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow it's +simple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see anny money in +it as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul weighed? Suppose ye'er +time has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with their own thoughts, grievin' +because they hadn't been as good to ye as they might, because they won't +have ye with thim anny more, because it's too late f'r thim to square +thimsilves, pityin' ye because ye'er not remainin' to share their +sorrows with thim, wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were bought +in honor iv what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim in +mimry iv Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th' +very young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to look +as sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. They +nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm time to +time they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to make a laugh'ble +face. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're surprised he isn't +gayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe he's lost his job. There +ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles as +he goes by, an' two iv th' neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a +fine man ye were if ye didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much. + +"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. F'r th' +first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in ye'er life +ye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years ye've been somebody +else. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er relations, th' polisman +on th' beat, th' doctor, th' newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th' +mills, th' laws iv th' land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th' +tailor, th' barber, an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held a +lookin'-glass in front iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled ye +to make faces in it. But in this here particular business ye have no wan +to please but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're +akelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or stay +ye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry whistle +an' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science shakes ye be th' +elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out.' An' he weighs figures: 'Wan +hundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' fifty. Siven fr'm naught +can't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten leaves three. I find that th' +soul iv our late laminted frind weighed a light three pounds +avirdoopoise.' + +"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't have their +souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go through +th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, what?' 'They had to +get an expert accountant to figure its weight, it was that puny.' + +"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin he +entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul to +offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv us wud +have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no wan can see +him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes rompin' home miles +ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell have to weigh out,' an' +a little later a notice is posted up that Dorgan is disqualified f'r +ridin' undherweight in th' matther iv soul. On th' other hand, there's +little Miss Maddigan, th' seamstress. She's all but left at th' post; +she's jostled all th' way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. But +she's th' only wan iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighs +ninety-six pounds--six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it soul. + +"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their souls +weighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. Th' people +that wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want to be tested by +it. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: 'Misther So-an'-so, +th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, universally regretted. +His estate amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. There ar-re two large +bequests to charity. Wan is a thrust fund set aside f'r his maiden +sister Annybelle, who will receive f'r life th' income on eight +hundhred dollars in stock iv th' Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other +is forty-two dollars to buy a wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein' +undherstood that no charge is to be made be th' estate against th' +brother f'r a set iv false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteen +four. Th' balance iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minor +childher until they ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that his +soul be measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wan +pennyweight.'" + +"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I know it's +there, but I think--I kind iv feel--I wondher--I don't hardly know--" + +"I see what ye mean" said Mr. Dooley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re not to be +thrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who tells time be a +clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry hour is different to +me. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in th' avenin' that pass +between two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re hours in th' arly mornin' +whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's age cud stretch in. Clocks +ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as annything gets +good enough to weigh ye can't weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other +fellow. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's +weight fr'm what th' scales say. Little I care. A pound or two more or +less makes no diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' something +that's precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on a +see-saw. + +"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about annything? +I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years thin anny wan iver +wint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know annything about +annything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. I'm a modest man. +Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye, +Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors, +preachers, doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't +annybody say that they don't know annything about annything worth +knowin' about? Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure +me class an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a +scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant as--ye'ersilf. I'll +have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It was +obtained be false pretences.' + +"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am mesilf. +I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye don't care +annything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral eye. Nawthin' +that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go over to see +Dooley,' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go over to Dooley's.' +I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look like a row iv model +wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch ye'er silences to. I'm +always about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a millyon Dooleys an' all iv +thim sthrangers to ME. I niver know which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm +like a hotel keeper with on'y wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wan +at a time an' tumble each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th' +bottle with a gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th' +wurruld, an' suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomy +wretch that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'm +just gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross, +cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with me. An' +so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows an' I know +nawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip iv anny other +man, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted. + +"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. Don't +thry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if ye do that +enough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've got to start in +believin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er belief. Our old frind +Christopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason f'r believin' that there +was anny such a place as America. But he believed it without a reason +an' thin wint out an' found it. Th' fellows that discovered th' canals +on Mars which other fellows think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn't +anny right to think there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I +wondher if there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll look +an' see. Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd wondhered an' thin believed +about clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is proof +iv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in +th' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run away +fr'm doubt. + +"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his belief. If I +see a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him hollerin', 'Hooray, +I've discovered a new planet,' I'll be th' last man in th' wurruld to +brush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. I've known people that see +ghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. They cud see ghosts an' I +cudden't. There wasn't annything else to it. I knew a fellow that was a +Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' chattel morgedge business on week days +an' he was a Spiritulist on Sunday. He cud understand why th' spirits +wud always pick out a stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that had +his thumb mark registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an' +he knew why spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why they +convarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man that +wud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r good." + +"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost," said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +BOOKS + + +"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tis +me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth. +Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages iv +age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wud +rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv its +lessons f'r hope an' teeth. + +"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post grajate +coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld an' watchin' +th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how seeryous. How sure +they are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin'; we laugh but +we are not cheerful; we have no romance about th' colledge. Ye don't +hear us givin' nine long cheers f'r our almy matther. We ain't even +thankful f'r th' lessons it teaches us or th' wallops it hands us whin +we f'rget what we've been taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin' +th' school, but hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more. + +"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen comin' in an' +I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our vin'rable +institution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin' in to +waken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices. I'm sure th' +other undhergrajates will like him. He hasn't been spoiled be bein' th' +star iv his school f'r so long, Charles seems to me to be th' normal +healthy boy. He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whin +they enther. He tells people what books they shud read an' he invints a +new relligon. Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out +iv his system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven't +got th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' fr +mesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can get +th' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that if a man +was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't go to sleep +without takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, I shud think that +Doctor Eliot's very old vatted books are comparatively harmless. They +are sthrong it is thrue. They will go to th' head. I wud advise a man +who is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter. +But they will hurt no man who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim out +carefully. 'Give me me tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-foot +shelf iv books.' An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izes +that th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time +this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing. +Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table. +Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an' +hermetically sealed. + +"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore as +Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it shows +how broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has included +Milton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is what ye might +call summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe it to ye, Hinnissy. +Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story an' yet it ain't a problem +play. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul who becomes th' iditor iv a daily +newspaper. That is th' beginnin' iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how it +comes out. I don't want to spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niver +guess who committed th' crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A most +injanyous book an' wan iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were four +editions iv thirty copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-covered +copies at fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches. +I'm not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanst +f'r some manager. + +"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell--but I won't tell +ye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical things in it. I +don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light, +perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think iv +annything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with a +glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this little +jim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisy +call to tell ye what it all meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I mane +I niver go f'r a long journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica in +me pocket. I have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returned +it. I have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yet +how few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars that +if ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet an' out iv +ivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on three, have +niver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it was runnin' ye +cudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' f'r two cinchries it +has proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin anny iv Milton's pomes, +f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye hardly iver hear mentioned in th' +sthreet cars at th' prisint moment, was a pote as well as an author an' +blind at that, an', what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. I +wondher if two hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk iv +William Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they? + +"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it must be +grander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read annything. He +ain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' habit. Long years +ago I decided that I cudden't read annything but th' lightest newspaper +with me meals. I seldom read between meals excipt now an' thin f'r +socyability's sake. If I am with people that are readin' I'm very apt to +jine thim so's not to appear to be bad company. But Hogan is always at +it. I wudden't mind if he wint out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin let +it alone. But he reads whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He reads +with his meals. He is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand book +stores. He can't go on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' other +passengers or invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' their +houses. Not a bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tell +ye that th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an' +he'll talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him read +books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is +always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some men +are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hogan +believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain't +annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An' +he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' to +desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to a +hero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limit +ye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Take +soft readin'. How d'ye expict to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye are +goin'? Who wud make a confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'd +divide ye'er customers into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lend +money to th' villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'r +th' villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th' +heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to do +annything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes iv me +fellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I wudden't +thrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I see f'r all +th' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in th' wurruld,' +says he. + +"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent +get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full.' +An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about his +books so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't come +undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friend +Charles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He +is sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it. +'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th' +time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done, +on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' child +is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niver +know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about. +Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn ye +down. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th' +usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, but +because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm +just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead,' says th' +faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye +are. What'll ye take?" + +"I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy. + +"I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin' +paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?" + + + + +THE TARIFF + + +"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen are +doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' away +undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th' +tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frind +big Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to see +th' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has +been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv +some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little +gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that +is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, +Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender +in some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' give +him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerd +about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated crather +ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to be +helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight. +No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver. + +"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's a +fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrests +well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. So +he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r a +week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an' +romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th' +Dead-wood Dick series. + +"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th' +declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind iv +gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbia +puttin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' products iv our soil +fr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an' eyes, artyficial horse +hair an' bone casings, which comes undher th' head iv clothin' an' I +suppose is a polite name f'r pantaloons. + +"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's goin' +to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating luxuries. D'ye +know Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to hear it. He knows ye. +Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or three places. He does so. +'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin' +th' heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this, +counthries have perished because iv th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy. +We must presarve th' ideels iv American simplicity. We'll show this +vulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin' +around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, be +Hivens. How will we get at him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty per +cent. on ready made clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit. +That'll teach him to squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar in +th' Roo dilly Pay. We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv forty +per cent. on knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five a +dozen. We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes. +We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says he. + +"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'er +skin--an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' hide schedule +yet--that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It's +ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll have +to pay f'r thim. If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shingles +an' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it +with ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an' +karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er +wealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people. + +"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain't +so. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th' +Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathriotic +Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if ye +don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes in +free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones. +There, I told ye. Curling stones are free. Ye'll be able to buy all +ye'll need this summer f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladies +comin' into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in their +stockin's to avoid th' iniquitous customs. + +"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty.' +Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove that +they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thim +f'r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in f'r scientific +purposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th' +Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th' docks to +catch th' teeth smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth in +th' face iv anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't have +to put thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thim +chalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to hand a +five to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids that I +picked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me through.' No, sir, +teeth are free. + +"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's a good +thing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir in his tea. +Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can take th' London +_Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. They've removed th' jooty +on Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that far, but in spite iv th' +protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it +fr'm th' list iv jootyable articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse, +an' I'm sure ye'll be glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soap +is on th' free list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv New +York objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'we +must not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' poor,' he +says. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, an' I wud not +deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So pulu was put on th' +free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin had to go on, too, as it is +on'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease. + +"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed. +Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary +bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th' +next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrike +a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. But Sinitor Tillman, +who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd an' is niver seen without +wan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallant +fight f'r his protegees, an' thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a +lighter heart that night. Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this +year, an' anny American wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. There +ought to be some way iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud make +a nourishin' dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttle +fish bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop around +an' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed. + +"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down th' list +I see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a compliment to +Sinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' inthraduction iv this harmless +dhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that's +satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th' +free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand +that we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind +Willum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other +day that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. But +does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enough +American spunk? + +"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free list. But +there are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles, +wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, life +boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' new +tariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. But +there's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free +list? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No. +Sugar? Wrong. Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy. +Sinitor Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye if +ye're sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise. +Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re on +th' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll be wan +pretty soon. + +"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his priceless +joss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me week's washin' +pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' dhreamin' he was th' Impror +iv Chiny, while I've had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me a +headache! But that day is passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode +Island has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th' +tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought +to read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take +this sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv +hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has been +rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye. +Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye see +ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er private +yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art more +thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, while +th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle. + +"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, I +have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd in +Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hall +has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge in +accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv button +shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say +that this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th' +hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th' +custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic +result was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded +fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's +almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Ye +bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he can +lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to +disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail to +throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th' +riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing to +see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation. + +"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest jool in th' +dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored teachin's iv our +leaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. It is crushin' out th' +lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst parts iv this divvlish injine +iv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says, +'as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, while +wan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise me +voice again a tariff on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhread +implymint iv oppressyon is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' bland +an' beautiful molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says. + +"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' says th' +sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me arliest days I was +brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. At manny a con-vintion +ye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if there is such a lot iv this +monsthrous iniquity passin' around, don't Virginya get none? How about +th' mother iv prisidents? Ain't she goin' to have a grab at annything? +Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I will +talk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th' +proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th' +tamarack bark iv old Virginya.' + +"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?' + +"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether a cure +f'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv carpet +slippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes it +an' he needs th' money.' + +"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' says +Sinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to put +both feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' same item?' + +"'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud be +foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish docthrines +iv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says he. + +"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrything +done on th' fine old principle iv give an' take." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' foreigner +pays th' tax, annyhow." + +"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden." + + + + +THE BIG FINE + + +"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. Dooley. + +"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley. + +"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjous +fine. I can't hardly believe it." + +"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars. +Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was that +they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. was goin' +around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speed +limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th' +neighbors cud stand it no longer. The judge says: 'Ye're an old +offender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon +dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk. + +"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. He +wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that. All +he'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his pocket, skin +twinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' hurl thim at th' +clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv principle. 'Twas not that he +needed th' money. He don't care f'r money in th' passionate way that you +an' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes iv us are as crazy about a dollar as a +man is about his child whin he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoil +it. But Jawn D., havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takes +on'y a kind iv gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin' +that he's a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther his +own money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it where +it won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a society f'r +th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his money +he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry Saturdah night he lets th' +man see it fr a few hours. An' he says he's surprised to find that whin, +with th' purest intintions in th' wurruld, he is found thryin' to coax +our little money to his home where it'll find conjanial surroundings an' +have other money to play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th' +polis arrest him f'r abduction. + +"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, Hinnissy, +is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. 'Tis +sthrange that all th' pathrites that have wanted to hang Willum Jennings +Bryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, are +now showin' their respect f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm their +decisions. Ye'd think Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th' +awful presence iv Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor. +This here noble fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give me +enough? If agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' But +he doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th' +coorts on'y if they bow first. + +"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv cross an' +indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same respect f'r thim +as they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a decision iv a judge +onless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', second, other judges bow to it. +Ye can't be too careful about what decisions ye bow to. A decision that +seems agreeable may turn out like an acquaintance ye scrape up at a +picnic. Ye may be ashamed iv it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowed +to a decree iv a coort on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort, +knock at th' dure an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman in +a black silk petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty +vinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile. + +"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst, +payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th' +other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just to +annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. Manny's th' time I've +bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thin +it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th' +tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he's +figurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints iv +two or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to. +Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges because +they have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why +annybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'd +rather take a chance. Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decides +it th' way he intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's just +been beat climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th' +judge? Ye bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, gives +th' magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an' +runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick an' +says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except what ye've +whispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I wuddent thrust him +to referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay th' fine till ye hear +fr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' decision is th' fellow that won, +an' pretty soon he sees he's made a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coort +comes out an' declares that th' decision of th' lower coort is another +argymint in favor iv abolishing night law schools. + +"That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I wondher +will they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill be a long +sentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' attempted to +juggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv th' emergency +hospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't happen to have that +amount with him at th' moment or at anny moment since th' day he was +born. But the judge was very lenient with him. He said he needn't pay it +if he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a letther of inthroduction to th' +bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r two hundhred days. At that rate +it'll be a long time befure Jawn D. an' me meet again on the +goluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that if Jawn D. refuses to go back +on his Puritan principles an' separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll be +wan hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man ought +to be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight +thousand years. + +"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an' +good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an' +disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly in +life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to be +a little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that me +pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it. +'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I +got it. I was always clear about th' way to spend it but oncertain about +th' way to get it. If th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd've +turned me dhreams around an' made me clear about makin' th' money but +very awkward an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves to +ivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin' +how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat business +capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. No +matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn't +totally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our means +will allow. But now, I tell ye, I don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraid +iv it. In th' good old days th' polis coorts were crowded with th' +poor. They weren't charged with poverty, iv coorse, but with the results +iv poverty, d'ye mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th' +coorts an' the bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' gold +rimmed specs peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this man +charged with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tin +millyon dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' black +cap." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' to thim." + +"I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me frind +Jawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice to th' +worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain in +incompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave it where +it'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is that he don't +see how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father iv about thirty +dollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own foolish way. I may not +do what's right be thim. I may be too indulgent with thim. Their home +life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th' +Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betther +surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv +'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niver +will have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th' +governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good +manny iv thim go to th'bad." + +"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes out +at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll find a +great manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv transportation but +not much in annything else. He may find flyin' machines, though it'll be +arly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny people still walkin' to their +wurruk." + + + + +EXPERT TESTIMONY + + +"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a man +must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors +don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich do +that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men with +money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'r +sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a +crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get a +certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye're +let out iv Joliet. + +"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th' +scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. That +still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th' +privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completely +hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befure +an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther +his inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy +atmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome +pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury +iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole +judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hanged +an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletory +frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up iv +ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in him +that must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station. + +"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'Brief +News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th' +Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim +coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th' +law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in our +fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enough +to get all he wanted to eat. + +"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He +don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces +in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't +deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th' +circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I +do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an' +I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not +care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r +th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th' +polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, +fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced +an' that ye can slip somethin' to. + +"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y temple +iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niver +thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th' +handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles +where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may be +blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into +her lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th' +pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes +off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord. + +"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak into +Hogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable impulse to +take his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' all this. Ye +wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's sound asleep. Ye +give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed, an' hook th' +clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye're arristed. Th' pa-apers +comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch +fr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th' victim. +Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' there's an article to show that anny +wan has a right to take Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man to +have th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it. +This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich. +Ye're next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations, +an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard to +persons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye. + +"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th' +watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' says th' +clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid cheers an' +hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have,' says th' +pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me look at it,' says th' +coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, puttin' it back into his pocket. +'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-re +goin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime he was insane,' +says th' lawyer. 'I object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legal +to inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations is +established. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do +we know he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much money +have ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect more.' +Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.' + +"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th' +head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' 'As guest or +landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a question. +Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an' +supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in question, an' suppose it +was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' right +hand corner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat +an' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday--' 'I +objict,' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larned +frind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbids +th' mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an' +substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how does +th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Janooary--an' +supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye haven't got a very large +salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' college, an' +supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th' +night in question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he +not funny at th' roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th' +State's attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th' +wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th' +laws iv evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' says +th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike out +th' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud +"aloofness." + +"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' 'In th' +pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' 'What did that +indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety iv tomaine +excelsis--' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th' +expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th' +expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm a +sudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I +don't know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his +chimbley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th' +crime?' 'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes +leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germans +call tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly sane +all his life till this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his head +an' blew th' cover off.' + +"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have a +care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' pris'ner, carelessly +jingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well, +I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayed +feather-headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I +don't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen +had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be +wastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv +this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared +with this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able, +magnificent specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve four +an' twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at +that.' + +"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th' +Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some rale +experts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin' eight ways +fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insane +on this particklar night, this was th' on'y time that he was perfeckly +sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' Daily +Fluff_, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if ye +don't want a few remarks printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'll +let him off.' 'Don't pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' says +another lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a +cucumber. We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in our +vallyable journal this mornin'.' + +"'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend +Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same,' +says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard iv th' Lord +who astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th' +Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv standin' on me head an' +playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the accorjeen with me feet. +'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to th' law an' +th' fact: I am all mixed up on th' law; th' fact is there's a mob +outside waitin' to lynch ye if ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort will +now adjourn be th' back dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. +'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I +must be goin' too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re." + +"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim experts +ar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv tistymony +an' perjury?" + +"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley. + + + + +THE CALL OF THE WILD + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt has been +doin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are full iv mangled +authors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors goes out into th' +woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on crutches." + +"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. + +"'Twas this way," said Mr. Dooley. "I have it fr'm Hogan, me lithry +adviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in lithrachoor, an' I do +th' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a little something that's +excitin' comin' to me, but this time he's made good. It seems, ye see, +that a good manny iv th' la-ads that write th' books have been lavin' +th' route iv th' throlley line an' takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtle +an' Clarence an' th' wrong done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutal +foreman iv lard tank nine, an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy love +affairs iv Carrie Boo, th' deer, an' th' throubles in th' domestic +relations iv th' pan fish an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'y +books that Hogan has told me about have been wrote about animiles. I've +always thought iv th' beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' a +leg off a man that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boys +tell me they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, get +marrid an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devoured +be thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink to +excess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be surprised +to know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' that th' gopher +complained iv his gas bills. + +"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' illyphant I +wondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv his that he uses +akelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' fork. Is he +recallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man sunk an ice pick +into him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some wan still there that +he thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does she iver dhream iv him as +she ates her hay an' rubs her back agin th' bars iv her gilded cage? +There's th' hippypotamus. He don't look to be full iv sintiment, but ye +never can tell. Manny an achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppy +exteeryor. Somewhere in sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' fr +him. Th' wallow at th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' ooze +arranged be tinder paws. But he will not return. They will meet, but +they will miss him, there will be wan vacant lair. + +"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm thinkin' iv +askin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to spind an avenin' +with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says there's nawthin' in it. +It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' best they can. Ye can't +expect an author to lave his comfortable flat an' go three or four +thousand miles to larn whether th' hero iv his little love story +murdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' ear or be fellin' him with a +half Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why should he? Who wud feed th' goold fish +while he was gone? + +"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' wilds an' +p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he calls f'r some +tea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' writes: 'Vichtry was +not long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he cud return to his burrow +Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail an' dashed his brains out agin +a rock. With a leap in th' air th' bold wolf put to rout a covey iv +muskrats, those evil sojers iv fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' over +ivry animile battlefield. Wan blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th' +buffalo. With another he crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th' +most threacherous an' th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzed +be th' boldness iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' scene +iv havoc, as is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th' +cow, which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted him +with th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it is +well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, th' wolf +is no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary wolf. As he +heerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' strength iv a +thousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience he shed his coat, +f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been more careful; he shed +his coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly advanced on th' foe. His +inimy give th' low growl iv his hated thribe. How manny a time have I +heerd it in Englewood an' shuddered with fear. But th' dauntless Tusky +answered back with his battle song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, his +wife accompanyin' him fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. With +wan spring th' inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sink +her venomous fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness, +he back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to point +iv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat bulk iv th' +monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' torrent an' took th' +count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his mate. She was eatin' th' +whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace come to th' jungle.' + +"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' best +animile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help me story +to tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his eye blacked, +an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to put wan over that +stopped another wolf. That's what usually happens up this way, an' it +ain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a story that'll inthrest me +frinds I give it to thim good. Whin I describe me fav'rite hero, Dock +Haggerty, I tell about him throwin' wan man out iv th' window an' usin' +another as a club to bate th' remainin' twelve into submission. But if +I had to swear to it, an' wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, I +wudden't say that I iver see Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man--at a +time. At a time, mind ye. He might take care iv a procession iv +Johnsons. But he'd be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th' +Ethical Culture Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If iver +more thin wan comes at wanst,' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked,' he says. + +"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I want to +read. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' blew in me +good thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd want some kind +iv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' best day I iver +knew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. I won't say it was +much, but now that we're both retired, I'll say that I'm glad I niver +challenged him. But I wudden't look at a book, an' I wudden't annyway, +but I wudden't let Hogan tell me about a hero that cudden't wear an +overcoat an' rubber boots, have wan arm done up in a sling, an' +something th' matther with th' other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a +plug hat on his head, th' aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th' +referee usin' a cross-cut saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an' +fifty Jawn L. Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through +th' window. Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether +'tis a wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same +thing--whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been talkin' about +f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he used to talk +about--what d'ye call him?--ah, where's me mind goin'?--Ivanhoe. + +"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called down thim +nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I wint befure th' +fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim what I thought wud +inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he say? I'll tell ye. 'I do +not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I wanted to charackterize these +here nature writers, I wud use a much shorter an' uglier wurrud thin +liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I cannot. Ye take, f'r example, +What's-his-name. Has this man iver been outside iv an aviary? I doubt +it. Here he has a guinea pig killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear. +Now it is notoryous to anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness +f'r these monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in +th' ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond +makin' thim hard iv hearin'. + +"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature writers. This +is a man whose name is a household wurrud in Conneticut. His books are +used in th' schools. An' what does this man, who got his knowledge iv +wild beasts apparently fr'm mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is +his message to th' little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim +that I've got to think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth, +instead iv leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an +undherstandin' iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons +their innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood--I can't +think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with premeditated--that +th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' its hidyous fangs into th' +gapin' throat iv its prey. How can honest citizens an' good women be +brought up on such infamyous docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attack +Conneticut an' th' bells shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' these +little darlings shud follow this false prophet an' run out in their +nighties an' thry to leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised? +Wudden't the little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want these +here darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautiful +truth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel him. +There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with wan +terrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way Willum +J. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest throat iv +anny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud hate to have to +sthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's cramp f'r months +aftherward.' + +"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these here +nature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. Th' wild +animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best they can an' +th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, manin' get what +ye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes on. But some wan ought +to bring out a new nature story. I've thought iv chapter twinty-eight: +'With wan blow iv his pen he laid low, but not much lower, Orpheus L. +Jubb, th' well-known minichure painter who has taken up nature study. +With another he disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who +retired fr'm th' Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to +their heejous docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote his +cillybrated book on wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn car +window. It took on'y a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound on +Seton-Thompson's kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primeval +forest. Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an' +thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted ally, +John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice that had so +long preyed on th' counthry.' + +"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these neefaryous +plots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. Th' man that +tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat kills an owl is be +pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen. He ought to +be put in an aquaryum. But take it day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long +won't give anny information to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much. +Th' number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes +that come down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make +anny wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to +us how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' we're +comin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason why. I +suppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite something +that they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had to bring up a +flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't much care what they +larned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' chambok, but I'd teach +thim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, an' th' bite iv th' polisman +on th' beat." + +"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow that +writes books f'r childher ought to write th' truth." + +"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim," said Mr. Dooley. "Annyhow, +th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay aven boord wages, +an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a job on th' side." + + + + +THE JAPANESE SCARE + + +"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. Dooley. + +"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy. + +"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv a +sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're into +ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ral +Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare to +go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war. +Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. A +smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to us +Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellow +makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye,' says th' +Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' 'Thin he must have his face +changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll +divastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,' +he says. + +"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's no +legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th' +Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayor +desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman on +th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin' +visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel, +Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be +th' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me +liquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll +up me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh' +to any black-an'-tan I meet. + +"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymite +dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party iv +Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv John +Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed +with a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th' +Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that +brought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little +childer atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will +curse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that +done so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I +stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over. + +"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fear +an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five--Th' whole +nation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in +Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficult +f'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at +ye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war. +A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain +facthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose +name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo +befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what he +cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threaty +rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into his +collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouth +organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name iv +Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sad +result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threaty +rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is some +relief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidint +has sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully. + +"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discuss +sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rights +iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick iv +th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo +thransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th' +Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in +Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted +th' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land.' +'Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to +marry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student +an' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house +keeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese +Consul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old +frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th' +Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th' +Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' a +riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th' +seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats, +pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles which +is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their grief +th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an' +Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_ +an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo.' + +"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good old +days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't +insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong, +befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantile +disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a +German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an +Englishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give +him th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th' +head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wan +naytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud +boast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to +be a Fr-rinchman. + +"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don't +touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hat +down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be what +Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'll +be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long till +we'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I +r-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been +reorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned +petticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs +have been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new +assortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th' +evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th' +next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind Lip +Hung's laundhry. + +"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part iv +prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thin +abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They were +all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take off +me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r a +dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Their +ships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th' +Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver +payin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th' +whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They +use guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv +desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y known +to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin' +eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible. +A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on a +small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such a +perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that they +have made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies iv +Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in +Japan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv +their magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is +a sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be +feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He +is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most +sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hard +to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshya +because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought to +be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellar +is bomb-proof. + +"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls a +wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare, +winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body was +invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner. +Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybe +wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it anny +longer. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cut +into th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan +hand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th' +Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead +that was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look +at his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th' +deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighbor +winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an' +denouncin' me." + +"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. Hennessy. "Th' +likes iv thim!" + +"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to be +polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a man +is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he's +little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look out +f'r him." + + + + +THE HAGUE CONFERENCE + + +"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th' +Passyfic." + +"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th' +rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether it +is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers iv +New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-re +hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy is +divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided. Wan great +iditor, fr'm his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th' navy to +report at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another great +iditor livin' in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril. +Nawthin' is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his +mighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest +cook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy +Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict like +internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything. + +"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy goes to th' +Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They've +dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoists +ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loaded +with confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an' +sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th' +home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries +readin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a +series iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th' +Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last +war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up +be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. It +was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just been +blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv his +cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitive +peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as +he set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv +bombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken +glass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an aged +servitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic +Assassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says +to himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld +shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot each +other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'r +their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an' +go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he +says. + +"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reat +manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they have +been devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th' +future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a +resolution offered be a dillygate fr'm Paryguay callin' f'r immeejit +disarmamint, which is th' same, Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers to +turn in their guns to th' man at th' dure. This was carrid be a very +heavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay, +Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed were +England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' the +United States. + +"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' convintion thin +discussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish dillygate abolishin' war +altogether. This also was carried, on'y England, France, Rooshya, +Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' United States votin' no. + +"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger question iv +how future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests iv peace. Th' +conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' th' mushroom bullet +which, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not much larger thin a +marble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes whirlin' through th' +allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' Chinese dillygate said that he +regarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had an +aunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fifty +years iv age, who received wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscue +iv Pekin fr'm th' foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with +feelin' on th' subjick as th' Chinese army did not use these +pro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters. + +"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, 'quite +thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th' +digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that they be +abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th' subjick +races,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white man +off his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a black +man they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An' afther all, th' +improvemint iv th' moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thin +anny mere physical question. We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africa +that th' charmin' bullet now undher discussion did much to change +conditions in that enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains. +Th' darky that happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. He +retired fr'm labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says. +'I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters with +races that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate fr'm +Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er question iv +privilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' windows open,' +says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' he says. + +"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, moved that +in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on'y Italy +votin' no. + +"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with dinnymite, +poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to infants, bilin' +prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. Some excitemint was +created durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm th' cannybal islands who +proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th' German dillygate thought +that this was carryin' a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud give +th' cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeen +sojers were accustomed to horses. Th' English dillygate said that while +much cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to him +rather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv anny +cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th' +Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud be +considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid. + +"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to go +to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' slate. Th' +English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', says he, 'if ye +deprived us iv th' right to collect debts be killin' th' debtor ye wud +take away fr'm war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again to +cease thinkin' on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an' considher +th' moral side alone,' he says. Th' conference was much moved be this +pathetic speech, th' dillygate fr'm France wept softly into his +hankerchef, an' th' dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly took +an open-face goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala. + +"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud be +fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th' +reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' dillygate fr'm Chiny +arose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?' +'Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' chairman. 'We're all profissors iv +colledges or lawyers whin we're home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot my +aunt?' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to +hook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid +away to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery +war?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English +dillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says. + +"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tell +thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men +over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave or +by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an' +they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin, +set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv +th' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I +niver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th' +hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty +minyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a +summer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to +steal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that +war or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate +fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan +civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on his +hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' he wint +home." + + + + +TURKISH POLITICS + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny king's head +these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be a +king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly iv bein' born +outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't make +anny diff'rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don't come +fr'm th' counthry where he's king. 'No natives need apply,' is th' +motto. If a counthry is so bad off that it has to have a king, they sind +a comity down to Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan, +make him throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him +king, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that +are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a +Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other kings +an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord knows what +he is. + +"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to prevint me +fr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin I'd turn th' +Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me subjicks, +ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but marciful +monarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty handed. I'd +always lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a cabinet I'd have, +but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained flattherers that cud be +hired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud tell me th' truth, an' I'd live +an' die happy. I'd show these modhern kings how a king ought to behave. +Ye wudden't see Martin I, iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hired +entertainer, wan day doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th' +layin' iv a cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th' +Amalgamated Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horses +with Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r a +balloon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles away. +No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' thin I'd +blindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' I'd niver open +me mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' low taste iv kings +has rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think +twict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis as preecaryous as a steeple jack's, +an' no more permanent thin a Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a king +goes out an' looks haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipe +bomb at him, an' if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on +th' back in th' paddock an' called 'Joe.' + +"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, sometimes +I let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be Sultan iv Turkey. +There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. It was well paid, it +looked to be permanent, and I thought it about th' best situation in th' +wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a combination iv pope an' king. If he +didn't like ye, he first excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye. +There, thinks I to mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on a +silk embroidered lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legs +curled up undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap, +a pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his elbow, a +pipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales whistle in th' +cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful Circassyan ladies dance in +front iv him far fr'm his madding throng iv wives, as th' pote says. + +"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he starts +fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august prisince. +'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' Sultan. 'Bark f'r +th' ladies,' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, descindant iv th' prophet, +whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon an' stars, whose frown is death +an' whose smile is heaven to th' faithful;--' 'Don't be so familyar with +me first name,' says th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptible +supplication,' says he. 'Ye'er slave,' says th' sicrety iv th' threasury +fr'm th' flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther +standin' th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake out +more thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er +awfulness,' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyon +piasthres--bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls,' says he. +'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an insult. Lave it +on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv a tailor,' he says, +an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson with +little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear iv th' faithless minister is a +squeak an' a splash. He rules be love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that +life without love is useless, annybody that don't love him can go an' +get measured f'r a name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price +is lower. His people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thim +to keep all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits +be takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an +Armeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business in +this counthry. + +"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' man, +'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' days. So whin +I r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution startin' to fire +Abdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance ye've got, me lads. That +old boy will be holdin' down his job whin there's a resignation fr'm th' +supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton,' says I. 'Th' first thing ye young +Turks know ye'll-be gettin' a prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv a +necktie,' says I, 'an' it won't fit ye,' says I. + +"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a pitcher +iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper--a snap-shot, mind ye! Think of that, +will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew his thrade wud iver +let anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye iver hear iv Alexander th' +Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a snap-shot took iv him? No, sir. +Whin they wanted to satisfy th' vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to know +what their lord looked like, they chained an artist to a wall in th' +cellar of th' palace an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcher +iv me that will get ye out iv here,' says they. Nobody in thim days knew +that th' king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was made +iv glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose. + +"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around Constantinople in a +hack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor phottygrafters his job was +secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk talked to another about him they +talked in whispers. 'What d'ye suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Oh +me, oh my,' says th' other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says his +voice is like thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud +shrivel th' likes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul, be damid, +as th' potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th' +palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th' +Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look at--a +skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between ye'er thumb an' +forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He wore a hand-me-down +coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' he's crosseyed. Here's a +pitcher iv him.' 'What, that little runt? Ye don't mean to say that's +th' Sultan.--Why, he looks like th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th' +corner an' asks me have I anny old clothes betther thin what I have on. +An' to think iv th' likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let's +throw him out.' + +"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a squad iv +polis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' rung th' bell. +'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose change into his shoe. +'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain. 'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'd +betther come peaceful,' he says. An' they bust in th' dure an' th' +Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple iv collars into a grip an' selicts +iliven iv his least formid-able wives to go along with him an' they put +on their bonnets an' shawls an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' their +goold fish an' their fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an' +has to stop so that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something they +f'rgot at th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says, +'Did ye iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says, +'They're all alike, Doc,' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off goes +th' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. An' th' +sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had been kept +f'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' is boosted into +th' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is intherviewed be th' +reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best he can an' he hopes th' +press won't be too hard on him, because he is a poor loonytick annyhow. + +"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along with me +dhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If that's th' +kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to take that wants +it. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to search th' palace, like +th' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd left anny money behind, divvle +th' thrace they found iv annything that I'd thrade f'r me back room. I +begun to feel sorry f'r th' poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on a +sofy an' listenin' to th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranite +threes while ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him with +fans iv peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in a +garret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that come +next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent sleep +nights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was foorced be +fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was abundant. Take +it all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye he's happyer now where +he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' lawn, an' sneakin' into +Constantinople iv a Saturday night an' seein' Circassyan girls dancin' +f'r th' first time in his life. His childher are all grown up an' safe +in jail, he has four hundhred an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven are +a good manny in th' suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainy +day, out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher if +ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th' +first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'lar +ex-sultan.' + +"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, says I. +There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther all. What +opporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm a man that +niver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do annything he +wanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It doesn't make anny +diff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah iv Beloochistan, be +gorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that he can use it an' he'll +begin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan head tomorrah, two th' next +day, an' befure he's been on th' foorce or th' throne a year it'll be a +whack on th' chimbly befure he says 'How ar-re ye.' By an' by he'll get +so manny people afraid iv him that he'll be in danger and that'll make +him afraid iv thim, an' thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'ye +mind? Th' on'y man ye need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid iv +ye. An' that's what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thought +about it whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'd +find him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin she +come in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't put in +me application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be more of a +coward thin I am." + +"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' about?" said +Mr. Hennessy. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a cigar?" + + + + +VACATIONS + + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm glad or +sorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here again in the +turmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis pleasant to see +th' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything happened since I wint away +on me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I much sunburnt?" + +"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye on'y last +night." + +"Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, but ye +didn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night it was. If +it was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont Morgan's yacht off th' +coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us settin' up on th' front stoop iv +th' boat. I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice, +an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eight +thirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed +into th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort." + +"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked. + +"Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me mind not +to be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation whin a vacation +comes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me out to a summer +resort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it whiniver I feel like +it. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin ye're talkin' or business is +slack fr'm anny other reason, I throw a comb an' brush into a gripsack +an' hurry away to th' mountain or th' seashore. While ye think ye're +talkin' to me, at that very minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th' +Atlantic ocean or climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' to +mesilf. + +"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are overdue. +That's because they don't know how to take thim. They depind on +railroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about it. Long +afther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' fifteenth iv August, +they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. Nachrally they can't tear off +very far or they wudden't hear th' whistle whin it blew to call thim +back. F'r a week or two they spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyon +iv baggageman, atin' off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night. +Evenchooly th' time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble iv +th' city that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th' +counthry that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'r +Mudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin they +remimber that they left their tickets, money an' little Abigail Ann +behind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which doesn't stop at +Mudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, an' thin on'y on +signal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv th' city with its +sprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is left behind. Th' cool +counthry air blows into th' car laden with th' rich perfume iv dainty +food with which th' fireman is plyin' his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stops +occasion'lly. In fact ye might betther say that occasion'lly it don't +stop. A thrain that is goin' to anny iv th' penal colonies where most +men spind their vacations will stop at more places thin a boy on an +errand. Whiniver it sees a human habitation it will pause an' exchange a +few wurruds iv pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stop +at nawthin'. + +"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native land. Ye +make a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye didn't know +were on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' on'y place th' +thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye look into th' folder +an' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b says: 'Thrains two to +sixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' 'What is th' number iv +this here cannon-ball express?' says ye to th' conductor man. 'Number +twelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get off there?' says ye. 'How do ye +usually get off a movin' thrain?' says he. 'Forward or backward?' says +he. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' postal car an' get into a mail bag th' +clerk may hang ye on th' hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He made +three out iv tin last week,' he says. + +"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er thrunks an' +come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal who +calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife iv +wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisements +iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure she +gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down to +th' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin' +back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th' +theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv +her indisposition. + +"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well within me +means. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' thin th' thrade +iv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin he ast f'r a gin sour, +not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' me time away in th' Greek +islands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I don't have to carry anny +baggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. I'm not bothered be mosquitoes +or rain. In fact, it's on rainy days that I thravel most. I'm away most +iv th' time. I suppose me business suffers. But what care I? + +"In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky Mountains. In +th' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' West Indies or to +Monty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that iver beat Monty Carlo. I +plugged away at number siventeen an' it came up eighty-two times +runnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' money on th' fickle Countess de +Brie, but aisy came aisy go. Me disappointment was soon f'rgotten among +th' gayeties iv Algeers. I often go up th' Nile because it's handy to +th' Ar-rchey Road. I can get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go to +Newpoort, although it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. It +was simple thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because he +wore a hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready goold +bonnet that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an' +marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play tennis. +It has changed since. But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th' +older memberships iv th' stock exchange who cannot lave th' familyar +scenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an' gossip iv days +that ar-re no more. Faith, there's hardly a place that I don't spind me +summers. If I don't like a place I can move. I sail me yacht into +sthrange harbors. I take me private car wheriver I want to go. I hunt +an' I fish. Last year I wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made a +gr-reat catch--near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. An' +it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard. + +"Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at their +best. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to go there. +No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take ye'ersilf along +an' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv th' gr-reat comforts +iv my kind iv a vacation is that I always knows what's goin' on at home. +Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv vacation th' newspa-aper he gets was +printed just afther th' third inning iv th' baseball game th' day befure +yisterdah. Th' result is that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what's +happened. He doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago or +Pittsburg is at th' head iv th' league. + +"An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' sthrong +dhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do things that +make readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. Ivrything in th' pa-aper +inthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a cillybrated murdher thrile +blossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a cillybrated lawyer goin' to th' +cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' an increase in th' honoraryum iv his +cillybrated collague. Lawyers don't take money. What they get f'r their +public sarvices in deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in a +church. Ye don't give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peas +with the money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. But +whin things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested another +honoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum, +mainin' I need th' money. + +"Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How glad I am +to know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' tariff to a +level where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how cud I be happy +away fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum Taft was gettin' on +at goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that goes on at th' summer +capitol. I am glad to know that Charles played tennis fr'm ten to iliven +an' aftherward took a throlley car ride to Lynn, where he bought a pair +iv shoes an' a piece iv blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirely +recovered. But th' rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Me +fav'rite journal prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty. +Horrible rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied.' He's th' best goluf +player we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a shtroke +a stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be a scoore iv +wan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did so. + +"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd assimbled to see +th' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. He wore his club +unyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue shirt. His opponent, +th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' prisident was first off +th' tee with an excellent three while his opponent was almost hopelessly +bunkered in a camera. But he made a gallant recovery with a vaccuum +cleaner an' was aven with th' prisidint in four. Th' prisidint was +slightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin' +daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were in +th' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth +an' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was +first out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin' +at exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance iv +home on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. But +th' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv which wud be +th' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv th' sicrety iv +war. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to use a brassy in a +spirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was raaly a brillyant shot. +A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat in +golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruck +himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy, +took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th' +green. There was now nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash, +but always prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet to +bate th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that was +established be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance Union +in nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it to ye,' +an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His opponent was +obliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but still sound an' +meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated). + +"An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in touch with +what's goin' on." + +"What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they call it +rile an' ancient?" + +"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' prisidint iv +th' United States has just took it up." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley Says, by Finley Dunne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY SAYS *** + +***** This file should be named 14684.txt or 14684.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/6/8/14684/ + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Stephanie Bailey, David King, and the +PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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