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diff --git a/14690-0.txt b/14690-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c449b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14690-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1241 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14690 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +May 28, 1892. + + + + +VENICE RESERVED. + +(_A SKETCH FROM A NUMBERED STALL AT OLYMPIA._) + +On the Stage, the Scene represents "A Public Place before the +Arsenal," where a number of artisans are apparently busily engaged +in making horse-shoes on cold anvils in preparation for the launch +of "_The Adriatica_." On extreme R. enter _Antonio_, who expresses +commercial embarrassment by going through a sort of dumb-bell exercise +on a bridge. On extreme L. enter _Bassanio_, _Lorenzo_, and _Antonio_, +who observe, with mild surprise, that there are several other persons +present, and proceed to point out objects of local interest to one +another with the officious amiability of persons in the foreground +of hotel advertisements. (_Here a Small Boy in a box, who has an +impression he is going to see a Pantomime, inquires audibly "when +the Clown Part will begin?" and has to be answered and consoled._) +_Bassanio_ perceives _Antonio_ afar off, and advances towards him with +stately deliberation, throwing out signals with one arm at intervals; +_Antonio_ goes to meet him; they shake each other by both hands with +affectionate cordiality, and then turn their backs on one another, +as though, on reflection, they found they had less to say than they +had imagined. Presently _Bassanio_ recollects why he wanted to see +_Antonio_ so particularly, and, by describing a circle in the air, +and pointing from the electric lights above to the balcony stalls in +front, and tapping his belt, puts _Antonio_ at once in possession of +his chronic impecuniosity, his passion for _Portia_, and his need for +a small temporary loan. _Antonio_ curls up his fists, raises them to +the level of his ears, and then pretends to take his heart out of +his doublet and throw it at _Bassanio_, who fields it with graceful +dexterity, instantly comprehending with Italian intuition that his +friend is, like himself, rather pressed for ready money, but is +prepared to back a bill for any amount. _Shylock_ passes that way, +and is introduced by _Antonio_ as a gentleman in the city who is in +the habit of making advances on personal security without inquiry. +_Shylock_ extracts imaginary ink from his chest, and writes with +one hand on the palm of the other, and cringingly produces a +paper-knife--whereupon the transaction is complete, and the parties, +becoming aware that a Grand Triumphal Procession is waiting to come +in, and that they are likely to be in the way, tactfully suggest +to one another the propriety of retiring. After the Procession, +_Valentina_, "the lovely daughter of the proud _Visconti_" embarks +on a barge with her maidens to meet her betrothed. + +(_In the Stalls, a Lady with a Catalogue, who hasn't been here before, +mistakes this proceeding for "The Launch of the Adriatica," but is +set right by a friend who has, and is consequently able to inform her +that_ Valentina _is_ Portia _on her way to plead against_ Shylock.) + +[Illustration: "Signals to Portia that it is not such an amusing game +as he thought."] + +A mimic battle takes place on a bridge--i.e., rival factions shake +their fists with prudent defiance over one another's shoulders. +(_An Old Lady in the Balcony, who has been watching this desperate +encounter, finds that she has missed a very important Scene between_ +Shylock _and_ Jessica _at the other end of the stage, and remorsefully +resolves to be more observant in future, as the Scene changes to +"Portia's Palatial Home."_) _Portia_ enters (_the Lady in the Stalls, +who has been here before, tells her companion that_ Portia's _dress +was "lovely when it was clean_"), and greets her guests by extending +both arms and inviting them to inspect the palms of her hands, thereby +intimating that the abundance of canopied recesses, and the absence of +any furniture to sit down upon, is due to the fact that the apartment +has been recently cleared for a parlour game. The company express a +well-bred gratification by bowing. Enter the _Prince of Morocco (who +is of course identified by various Spectators in the Stalls without +Catalogues as_ "Othello," _or "the Duke of Thingumbob_--you _know the +chap I mean_"), followed by his retinue; he kisses _Portia's_ hand, +as she explains to him, the _Prince of Arragon_, and _Bassanio_, the +rules of the game in three simple gestures. They reply, by flourishes, +that they have frequently played it at home, and promise faithfully +not to cheat. The three caskets are brought in and placed on a table; +the _Prince of Morocco_ is the first player, and walks towards them +very slowly, stopping at every ten paces and signalling to _Portia_ +that he is all right so far, and that she is not to be at all uneasy +on his account. On coming in sight of the caskets, he pauses and turns +to the audience, as if it had only just occurred to him that the +odds were two to one against him, and he must be careful. Presently +he jerks his right arm above his head and strikes his forehead, to +indicate a happy thought, rushes at the golden casket, opens it, and +slams the lid disgustedly. After which he signals to _Portia_ that +it is not such an amusing game as he thought, and he doesn't mean +to play any more, beckons to his retinue and goes off, throwing his +cloak over his shoulder with a gesture of manly and not unnatural +annoyance. The _Prince of Arragon_ tries the silver casket next, with +similar unsuccess. Then _Bassanio_--with an elaborate pretence of +uncertainty, considering he can hardly have helped witnessing the +proceedings--advances to the caskets, in front of which he performs +a little mental calculation, finally arriving at the conclusion that, +as the portrait is not in the gold and silver boxes, it may not +improbably be in the leaden one. He actually _does_ find it there, and +exhibits it to _Portia_ with extreme astonishment, as if it was quite +the _last_ thing he expected. Then he advances to meet her, comparing +her frequently with the picture, and expressing his approval of it +as a likeness, and his determination to be taken by the same artist. +Mutual satisfaction, interrupted by the arrival of a gondola with +a letter from _Antonio_. To read it and impart its contents and the +entire history of the bond to _Portia_, by a semicircular sweep of the +arm and sounding his chest, takes _Bassanio_ exactly two seconds and +a half, after which he departs in the gondola, and the scene changes +to the Piazzetta, where a variety of exciting events--including the +Trial, a Musical Ballet, and a Call to Arms--take place, culminating +in the embarkation of Venetian soldiers to recapture Chioggia, in +three highly ornamental but slightly unseaworthy barges, as the +Curtain falls on Act I. + +Interval of Fifteen Minutes, spent by some of the lady spectators in +speculation whether the dark and light patches on the blue curtains +are due to design or the action of damp. After which the Fortress +of Chioggia is disclosed, with a bivouac of the Genoese garrison. +A bevy of well-meaning maidens enter with fruit and vegetables for +the military, but, on the discovery that their wares are properties, +and too firmly glued to the baskets to be detached, they retire in +confusion. A small sail is seen behind the battlements; the soldiers +poke at it with halberds until it retreats, whereupon, soldier-like, +they dance. The sail returns with a still smaller one; red fire is +burnt under the walls, which so demoralises the Genoese soldiery that +they all tumble down with precaution, and the Venetians burst in and +stand over them in attitudes as the scene changes to an Island near +Venice and a Grand Aquatic Procession. (_Here intelligent Spectators +in the Stalls identify the first four pairs of gondolas,--which +are draped respectively in icicles, pale green, rose-colour, and +saffron,--as typifying the Seasons; another pair come in draped in +violet, which they find some difficulty in satisfactorily accounting +for. When two more appear hung with white and gold with a harp and +palette at the prows, they grow doubtful, and the entrance of the two +last couples, which carry shrines and images, reduces them to hopeless +mystification. The Small Boy wishes to know whether anybody will be +upset in the water, and being told that this is not a fixture in the +entertainment, conceives a poor opinion of the capacity of Mediæval +Venice for lighthearted revelry._) + +Terrace near Portia's Palace, _Portia_, _Bassanio_ and the _Doge_ +discovered enjoying a pasteboard banquet. + +(_A Lady in the Stalls "wonders whether it is correct to represent_ +Portia _as knowing a Doge so intimately as all that," and doubts +whether it is in Shakspeare._) + +The supper-table is removed, and the proceedings terminate by a Grand +Al Fresco Carnival. Ladies of the ballet dance bewitchingly, while +soldiers play at Bo-Peep behind enormous red hoops. Finally the +entire strength of the ballet link arms in one immense line, and +simultaneously execute a wonderful chromatic kick, upon which the +blue draperies descend amidst prolonged and thoroughly well-deserved +applause from a delighted audience. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GRACE-LESS! + +_Nursery Governess._ "NOW, ETHEL, SAY YOUR GRACE, LIKE A GOOD LITTLE +GIRL!" + +_Ethel._ "SHAN'T!" + +_Nursery Governess._ "OH, ETHEL! DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S VERY NAUGHTY NOT +TO BE THANKFUL, AND FOR SUCH A NICE PUDDING TOO?" + +_Ethel._ "I WOULD BE THANKFUL, BUT"--(_much distressed_)--"I CAN'T +FINISH IT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE (POLITICAL) LADY-CRICKETERS. + +(_A COLLOQUY NEAR THE NETS._) + + [At the meeting of the Women's Liberal Federation the + following "operative mandatory resolution" was carried:--"That + in pursuance of the resolution passed in May 1890, the + Council now instructs the Executive Committee that they shall + promote the enfranchisement of women, including the local + and parliamentary votes for all women, who possess any of the + legal qualifications enabling them to vote, among the other + Liberal reforms now before the Country, whilst not making it + a test question at the approaching Election."] + + SCENE--_"At the Nets" on the St. Stephen's Cricket Ground. + "The Champion" has been practising in the interval, prior + to playing in the Great Match of the Season, "Unionists v. + Home-Rulers." Various admiring Volunteers of both sexes have + been "scouting" for him._ + +_First Admiring Bystander._ By Jove, that was a slashing hit! What +powder he puts into it, eh? At _his_ age too! + +_Second A.B._ Oh, the Grand Old 'Un's in great form this season. Like +'tother W.G., who's just back from the Antipodes and, at forty-four, +can knock up his sixty-three in sixty-five minutes. There he goes +again, clean over all the "scouts"! + +_First A.B._ Oh! he gives 'em plenty to do, "in the country." Keeps +'em on the shift, eh? + +_Second A.B._ Bless you, yes. Why a hit like that, _run out_, would be +worth seven to his side-_in_ a match! + +_First A.B._ (_knowingly_). Ah, but I notice that _in a match_ these +tremendous swipes don't always come off, don'tcher-know. I've seen +some tremendous sloggers at the nets make a wonderful poor show when +between wickets with a watchful "field" round 'em. + +_Second A.B._ (_with candour_). Ah, quite so, of course. Everyone must +have noticed that. With a demon bowler in front of yer sending 'em +down like hundred-tonners, and a blarmed cat of a wicket-keeper on the +grab just at your back, not to mention a pouncer at point, it puzzles +the best of them to get 'em away, though "in a position of greater +freedom and less responsibility," practising at the nets, to wit, with +only the ground-bowler and a few scouts fielding, they may punish 'em +properly. + +_First A.B._ Ah, well, one must allow that the Champion plays the game +right away all the time. + +_Second A B._ Yea. Age cannot wither him, nor custom stale his +infinite variety. Wonderful, all the same, what perversely bad hits +he will persist in making, at times. Does things now and again you'd +think a school-girl with a bat would be ashamed of. + +_First A.B._ Ah, by the way, what do you think of these here +new-fangled Lady-Cricketers? + +_Second A.B._ (_significantly_). Ask the Old 'Un what _he_ thinks of +'em. + +_First A.B._ Ah! can't abide 'em, can he? And yet he likes the Ladies +to look on and applaud, and even to field for him at times. + +_Second A.B._ Yes; the Ladies have been good friends of his, and now +he'd bar them from the legitimate game. I fancy it's put their backs +up a bit, eh? + +_First A.B._ You bet! And it _do_ seem ray-ther ongrateful like, don't +it now? Though as fur as that goes _I_ don't believe Cricket's a game +for the petticoats. + +_Second A.B._ Nor me neither. But bless yer they gets their foot in +in everything now; tennis, and golf, and rowing and cetrer. And if you +let 'em in at all, for your own pleasure, I don't quite see how you're +going to draw the line arbitrary like just where it suits _you_, as +the Grand Old Slogger seems to fancy. + +_First A.B._ No; and, if you ask me, I say they won't stand it, even +from _him._ "No," says they, "fair's fair," they says. "All very well +to treat us like volunteer scouts at a country game, or at the nets, +returning the balls whilst you slog and show off. But when we want +to put on the gloves and pads, and take a hand at the bat in a +businesslike way, you boggle, and hint that it's degrading, unsexing, +and all that stuff." + +_Second A.B._ Ah, _that_ won't wash. If it unsexes 'em to bat, it +unsexes 'em to scout. And if the old cricketing gang didn't want +the Ladies between wickets, why, they shouldn't have let em into the +field, _I_ say. Strikes me Lady CARLISLE'll show 'em a thing or two. +That "operative mandatory resolution" of hers means mischief--_after_ +the next big match anyhow. "Ladies wait, and wait a bit more, wait +in truth till the day after to-morrow." Yes; but they won't wait for +ever. + +_First A.B._ Not they. Why, look yonder! There's one of 'em in full +fig. Lady-Cricketer from cap to shoes--short skirt, knickers, belt, +blouse, gloves, and all the rest of it. D'ye think that sort means +volunteer scouting only? Not a bit of it. Mean playing the game, Sir, +and having regular teams of their own. + +_Second A.B._ Look at her! She's a speaking to the Grand Old Champion +himself! + +_First A.B._ Giving him a bit of her mind, you bet. What's that she's +saying? + +_Second A.B._ Why, that she admires his style immensely, and doesn't +want to spoil his game; but that, _after_ the next great All England +Match, if not sooner, they mean to have a team of their own and go in +for the game all round! + +_First A.B._ Ah, what did I say? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL LADY-CRICKETERS. + +_Lady Cricketer._ "A TEAM OF OUR OWN? I SHOULD THINK SO! IF WE'RE GOOD +ENOUGH TO SCOUT FOR YOU, WHY SHOULDN'T WE TAKE A TURN AT THE BAT?"] + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +NO. X.--THE DUFFER ON THE TURF. + +"A horse for a protection is a deceitful thing," as the Scotch +translator of KING DAVID has it, and I entirely agree with him. I +rather wish to be protected from a horse, than expect any succour +from a creature so large, muscular and irrational. Far from being +"courageous," as his friends say, the horse (I am not speaking of the +war-horse) is afraid of almost everything, that is why I am afraid +of him. He is a most nervous animal, and I am a nervous rider. He is +afraid of a bicycle or a wheel-barrow, which do not alarm the most +timid bipeds, and when he is afraid he shies, and when he shies I no +longer remain. Irrational he is, or he would not let people ride him, +however, I never met a horse that would let _me_ do so. It is with the +horse as an instrument of gambling that I am concerned. In that sense +I have "backed" him, in no other sense to any satisfactory result. +With all his four legs he stumbles more than one does with only +a pair, an extraordinary proof of his want of harmony with his +environment. + +I was beguiled on to the Turf by winning a small family +sweepstakes--£3 in fact. A sporting cousin told me that I had better +"put it on _Cauliflower_," who was the favourite for The City and +Suburban. He put it on _Cauliflower_ for me, and we won, so that a +career of easy opulence seemed open. Then I took to backing horses, +a brief madness. I read all the sporting papers, and came to the +conclusion that the prophets are naught. If you look at their +vaticinations, you will find that they all select their winners out +of the first four favourites. Anybody could do that. Now the first +four favourites do not by any means always win, and, when they do, +how short are the odds you get--hardly worth mentioning! Horses +occasionally win with odds of forty to one against them, _these_ are +the animals of which I was in search, not the hackneyed favourites +of the Press and the Public. This, I think you will find, is usually +the attitude of the Duffer, who, in my time, was known, I cannot say +why, as the "Juggins." I liked to bring a little romance into my +speculations. Often I have backed a horse for his name, for something +curious, or literary, or classical about his name. _Xanthus_, or +_Podargus_, or _Phäeton_, or _Lampusa_ has often carried my investment +to an inconspicuous position in the ruck. Another plan of mine, which +I believe every Duffer adopts, was backing my dreams--those horses of +air. About the time of the Derby one always reads about lucky persons +who backed a dream. But one does not read about the unlucky persons +who take the same precaution. Several millions of people in this +country read, talk, and think about nothing but racehorses. When the +Socialists have their way, may I advise them to keep up Government or +communal racing studs and stables? What the betting is to be done in, +if there is no money (which is contemplated as I understand), is not +obvious. But the people will insist on having races, and what is a +race without a bet? However, these considerations wander from the +subject in hand. With a fourth of the population thinking about +horses, a large proportion must dream about horses. Out of these +dreams, perhaps one in one hundred and fifty thousand comes true, and +about that dream we read in the papers. We don't read about the other +dreams, such as mine were, for I have dreamed of winning numbers, +winning colours, winning horses, but my dreams came all through the +Ivory Gate, and my money followed them. + +[Illustration: "Yet here I was finally unsuccessful."] + +I don't pretend to be a judge of a horse; except for their colour they +all seem pretty much alike to me. Nor did I haunt race-courses much, +people there are often very unrefined, and the Ring is extremely +noisy and confusing. Once I heard a man offering to lay considerable +odds against the Field, and I offered in a shy and hesitating manner, +to accept them. He asked me what horse I backed? I said none in +particular, the Field at large, all of them, for really the odds +seemed very remarkable. But he did not accede to my wishes, and +continued to shout in rather a discourteous manner. Once, too, when I +had won some money, I lost it all on the way back, at a simple sort of +game of cards, not nearly so complex and difficult as whist. One need +only to say which of three cards, in the dealer's hand, was the card +one had chosen. Yet here I was finally unsuccessful, though fortunate +at first, and I am led to suppose that some kind of sleight of hand +had been employed; or, perhaps, that the card of my choice had in some +manner been smuggled away. However, once on a racecourse I saw a horse +which I fancied on his merits. He looked very tall and strong, and was +of a pretty colour, also he had a nice tail. He was hardly mentioned +in the betting, and I got "on" at seventy to one, very reasonable +odds. I backed him then, and he won, with great apparent ease, for his +jockey actually seemed to be holding him in, rather than spurring him +in the regrettable way which you sometimes see. But when I went to +look for the person with whom I had made my bet, I was unable to find +him anywhere, and I have never met him since. He had about him ten +pounds, the amount of my bet, which he had insisted on receiving as +a deposit, "not necessarily for publication," he said, "but as a +guarantee of good faith." Race-courses are crowded, confusing places, +and I doubt not, that so scrupulous a man was also looking for me. +But we have never met. If this meets his eye, probably he will send a +cheque for £700 to the office of _Mr. Punch_. I have often regretted +the circumstance, as it was my most fortunate _coup_ on the Turf, and +above all, reflected credit on my judgment of a horse. + +Conversing afterwards with a friend on this event, I expressed +surprise that _my_ horse had not been a favourite, considering his +agreeable exterior. + +"Why, you Juggins," he answered, "_Rumtifoo_ was a moral--everybody +knew _that_; but everybody knew he wasn't meant; he was being kept +for the Polehampton Stakes. He only won because he got the better of +little BOTHERBY, his jockey, who couldn't hold him. Why, the crowd +nearly murdered him, and his master sacked him on the spot--the little +idiot!" + +I do not quite understand this explanation. Poor _Rumtifoo was_ +"moral," like the "moral mare" mentioned by ARISTOTLE in the _Ethics_. +He did his best to win, and he did win; what else can you ask for in a +horse? + +There is, apparently, more in horse-racing than meets the eye. I am +not addicted to remembering much about the "previous performances" of +horses, as some men are, who will tell you that _Cynic_ was third in +the Kelso Hunt Cup for last year, and that you ought to keep an eye +on him for the Ayrshire Handicap. But I have remarked that horses are +not like men; they do not always run almost equally well, though the +conditions of the race seem similar. No doubt this is owing to the +nervousness of the animal, who may be discouraged by the noise, the +smell of bad tobacco, and so forth. + +I have given up Racing. That was after last year's Ascot meeting. I +was staying at a country house, some days before, and somehow I lost +my betting-book. It is really extraordinary how things do get lost. +Perhaps I left it in a railway carriage. Afterwards I tried to put +my bets, as far as I could remember them, down on a large sheet of +paper, and I think I got it very nearly right. But I left the paper +lying about in the library in a very interesting first edition of +_Plotinus_, I believe, and either the housemaid burned it, or my host +threw it into the waste-paper basket. At all events, it was lost, +and I have no head for figures, and things got mixed somehow. The +book-maker's recollection of the circumstances was not the same as +mine. But I began quite a fresh book, on imaginative principles, on +the course. I had not a good Ascot. And as Racing gives me a headache, +and I seldom meet any people on the Turf who are at all interested in +the same things as myself, I have given it up for good. They say I am +a good deal regretted by the Ring. It is always pleasant to remember +having made a favourable impression. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday, May 16._--Sound the trumpets, Beat the drums! All Hail to +Sir DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS, the most successful Knight of the Season! +A brilliant audience in a brilliant house lighted by thousands of +additional electric lights, acclaimed with rapture the awakening +of Opera. _Philémon et Baucis_ began it, a work by GOUNOD (which +is not intended for swearing) of great sweetness and light; and +this was followed by PIETRO MASCAGNI's _Cavalleria Rusticana_, +"Rustic Chivalry," which might be epigrammatically described as a +"Clod-hoppera." _Philémon et Baucis_ is charming. M. MONTARIOL was a +capital _Philémon_, and Mlle. SIGRID ARNOLDSEN as _Baucis_, a sort of +classical Little Bo-peep, received a hearty welcome on her return to +the Covent Garden House and Home. M. PLANÇON was the thoroughly French +_Jupin_, and M. CASTELMARY an amiable _Vulcan_; both most accomplished +Divines. Altogether, a perfect quartette. The graceful _intermezzo_ +only escaped an _encore_ because the knowing ones among the gods and +groundlings felt that too much enthusiasm at first might do serious +damage to the subsequent reception of the great _intermezzo_ of the +evening. All on _qui vive_ for great _intermezzo_. Anticipations of +event heard in the lobbies. Anxiety depicted on some countenances, but +most features looking happy and hopeful. The members of what was once +known as "the Organising Committee" nod encouragingly to one another +as they pass to and fro; the officials and _habitués_ exchange +greetings without any expression of opinion. Sir DRURIOLANUS +does not issue forth until the right moment, when he can shut up +his opera-glass with a click, and give the word to Field-Marshal +MANCINELLI to lead his men to the attack. For the present, "Wait" is +the _mot d'ordre_, "and this," quoth a jig-maker, "is the only weight +in the entire entertainment." + +[Illustration: The Good and Great Archbishop Druriolanus +Coventgardenus giving his Chorus Flock permission to use Palms on +Easter Sunday. Quite "the palmy days" of the Opera.] + +Up goes the Curtain, and those who remember the _Cavalleria_ as it +was put on "in another place," to use parliamentary language, see +at the first glance that this representation is going to be quite +another pair of shoes. The stage management is admirable: not a +second without movement, and every movement with a motive--musical +or dramatic, or both. Madame CALVÉ's _Santuzza_ is operatically and +histrionically--but especially the latter--a triumph; and "this is the +verdict of us all." GIULIA RAVOGLI makes a great part of _Lola_; the +many-talented little Mlle. BAUERMEISTER's _Lucia_ is not quite up to +her own _Marta_ in _Faust_. As for the men, the singing and the acting +of Signor DE LUCIA as _Turiddu_ (ye gods! what a name!), and of Mons. +DUFRICHE as _Alfio_ cannot be surpassed. + +But--stop--the tremendous row (a quarrel quite representative of +Whitechapel in Italy, and suggesting to some of us what Signor +Coster CHEVALIER might do if this Opera were Londonised) between +_Turiddu-de-Lucia_ and _Santuzza-Calvé_ is over, the latter has +denounced her former lover, there is thunder in the air--the +atmosphere is heavy with fate--and the stage is clear. Then comes +the _intermezzo_, foreboding ill, presaging tragedy,--magnificent! +And as MANCINELLI bows from his seat, acknowledges the thunder of +applause--this was the thunder in the atmosphere--and pulls his forces +together again to repeat and emphasize the triumph--DRURIOLANUS shuts +up his lorgnette, beams on the world around, and murmurs to himself, +"Waterloo is won!" Decides thereupon to give the same performance on +Thursday, and does so, with repetition of triumph. + +Now one word as to a picturesque detail. The action takes place on +Easter Sunday, not on Palm Sunday; but Archbishop DRURIOLANUS has +issued a pastoral melody dispensing his flock from the usual custom, +and allowing them to have the palms distributed on Easter Sunday, for +the sake of the show. "_Palmam qui meruit ferat_,"--and well does each +one of the Chorus deserve his or her palm. And do not those in front +who are nervous as to splitting their glove-seams, also bare their +palms to applaud this Opera? Why certainly. Truly, Sir DRURIOLANUS +ARCHIEPISCOPUS DISPENSATOR, well hast thou inaugurated the palmy days +of this Opera Season. + +_Friday_.--_Faust_ selected because alliteration in _Faust_ and +Friday. A trifle, but as DRURIOLANUS says, "The world is governed +by trifles." Wise saw this, with practical modern instance. VAN +DYCK looking like a Rembrandt, a Faust-rate _Faust_, and Miss EMMA +EAMES a charming _Marguerite_, Mons. PLANÇON's _Mephistopheles à la +Française_. Mons. CESTE good as _Valentine_. _À propos_ of _Valentine +_ and his soldiers, why do the army and their friends who come +to welcome them, invariably _turn their backs_ on the triumphal +procession, taking no sort of interest in it whatever? Also, why is +that banner persistently and purposelessly waved during the whole +of the great Soldiers' Chorus? Is this _the_ reason why nowadays the +ever-popular Soldiers' Chorus is seldom encored? As this monotonous +action on the part of the Bannerman (not CAMPBELL of that ilk, but the +ensign-bearing supernumerary) suggests "flagging interest," hadn't it +better be abolished altogether? + +_Saturday_.--Great excitement in outer Hall. Everybody buzzing about. +What has happened? Has dynamite been found? Has some eminent vocalist +"gone up to see," and can't come down again in time? Sir DRURIOLANUS +is present, explaining matters to the critics, and repeating +explanation in various tongues to eager foreign inquirers. The +sentinels eye the moving scene with determination and bayonets fixed. +At a word from Sir DRURIOLANUS, they will give an extra charge, and +rout the crowd. "What is it all about?" asks little PETERKIN. Sir +DRURIOLANUS can tell him. Madame CALVÉ is indisposed, and _L'Amico +Fritz_ cannot be performed. So GLUCK's _Orfeo_ is substituted in a +happy-g'lucky sort of way. The two RAVOGLI are excellent, and Box and +Stall are satisfied. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"MRS. HENNIKER," my Baronite writes, "dedicates to her brother, Lord +HOUGHTON, her first essay in fiction, on the ground that he will be +the most kindly critic. _Bid me Good-bye_ (BENTLEY) does not stand in +need of the adventitious aid of fraternal kindliness to recommend it +to the reader. The story of woman's sacrifice to a sense of duty has +been told before; but Mrs. HENNIKER endows her version with a charm +of simplicity under which, here and there, glows the fire of passion. +Moreover, she writes excellent English, which ladies who make books do +sometimes. It is a pity the story is so sad. _Colonel St. Aubyn_ might +just as well have married _Mary Giffard_, and lived ever after in that +charming Brereton Royal which Mrs. HENNIKER doubtless sketches from +life. If she had insisted on his being a cripple for life, her dictum +could not have been disputed. But there ought to have been a union +between _William_ and _Mary_." + + * * * * * + +Why are the Obstructives like last Season's Walnuts?--Because they are +troublesome to PEEL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VOLO EPISCOPARI. + +_Festive Middy_. "I SAY, GUV'NOR! I THINK YOU MUST RATHER LIKE BEING +BISHOP HERE!" + +_His Lordship_. "WELL, MY BOY, I HOPE I DO! BUT WHY DO YOU ASK?" + +_Festive Middy_. "OH, I'VE JUST BEEN TAKING A WALK THROUGH THE CITY, +AND--I _SAY_!--THERE _IS_ AN UNCOMMONLY GOOD-LOOKING LOT O' GIRLS +ABOUT, AND _NO_ MISTAKE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO LORD SALISBURY. + +(_BY A PERTURBED TORY_.) + + ["We trust that the present Administration will not commit + the blunder of attempting to 'gain favour with this or that + section of the constituencies, by indulging in loose talk on + economical questions.'"--_The Standard_.] + + To thump the Drum Ecclesiastic + Was very likely mere parade; + But oh, why make yourself seem plastic + To the fanatics of Fair Trade? + Of course a warning's no "incitement"; + You only said, in tones of thunder, + The valiant Ulstermen to fight meant, + And on your soul you didn't wonder. + Encouragement in _that_? Go to! + Did shouting SAUNDERSON so take it? + (_Still it did raise a hullabaloo_. + _It's settling now, DON'T re-awake it!_) + No; civil war is far--and fudge! + But why the dickens make suggestions + That England is inclined to budge + An inch, on Economic Questions? + Let HOWARD VINCENT, if he likes, + Talk "Fair Trade" fustian; no one listens. + But _you_?--best keep to slating Strikes. + You bet the eye of HARCOURT glistens, + And GLADSTONE reading with a grin, + Says, "Now I have him on the hip!" + This will _not_ do, if we're to win. + Of course, dear Lord, 'twas but a slip, + But then you do make such a lot; + Explaining them away gets wearying. + You seem as though--of course, 'tis rot!-- + Our Free Trade system you were querying. + That cock won't fight; Protection's dead, + Don't trot its ghost out. Just ask GOSCHEN! + That Silver Conference, too! _His_ head + Must have gone woolly, I've a notion. + Fire us with militant suggestions; + Your loyal followers they embolden, + But upon Economic Questions + Remember Silence is _so_ golden! + + * * * * * + +REPORTED DISAPPEARANCE OF THE BROAD GAUGE.--It has been "converted," +and in this sense our old friend, The Broad Gauge, with its easy-going +ways, is defunct for ever. Is the conversion for the better? From +"broad" to "narrow" is not, ordinarily speaking, beneficial to the +individual or to society. And as applied to lines that fall in such +pleasant places as do those of the Great Western, will the change to +"narrow" result in the same breadth of view which the passengers have +hitherto enjoyed? Will the ideas of the management and direction of +the G.W.R. change from "broad" to "narrow"? We see it mentioned that +the "cross sleepers" have been disturbed and re-laid (enough to make +them crosser than ever; the ceremony should have been accompanied +by a band playing selections from "_The Sleeper Awakened_"), +and that "an inner row of chairs" is already fixed. But chairs +are not so comfortable for sleepers as the good old-fashioned +broad-gauge-G.-W.-R. first-class seat, in which, after you had +lunched, you could repose from Swindon to Exeter. However, we all know +the safety of choosing the "narrow" in preference to the "broad" way +in life, and so, no doubt, the spiritually-minded Directors of the +G.W.R. have acted with the best intentions and upon the most unanimous +resolutions. Yet "intentions" or "resolutions" are more compatible +with the "broad" than the "narrow" way. + + * * * * * + +LORD BRAMWELL. + +BORN 1808. DIED 1892. + + Alas! The Busy "B" is dead, + No more we'll hear him buzz a-wing, + Nor picture with a smiling dread + The pungent terrors of his sting. + As Io's gadfly was this "B" + To Sentiment and to Pretence. + Oh, Property! Ah, Liberty! + Fallen in your supreme defence! + Gone is the friend that in a phrase + The "Common Sense" of things could settle, + That with a stroke could slay a craze, + And folly lash with flail of nettle. + Who now will thunder in the _Times_ + Against the Socialistic Rad's tone? + Who'll flout the cant and check the crimes + Of him, the all-surviving GLADSTONE? + + * * * * * + +Military Tournament at Islington successful as ever. All the glory of +war, as Mr. JORROCKS observed in his lecture, with one-half per cent. +of its danger. Under command of Major TULLY. For seats, apply per +Tully-phone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNDER WHICH THIMBLE?] + + * * * * * + +ON MY LADY'S POODLE. + +[Illustration] + + I wonder what on earth it is + That makes me think my lady's poodle + (Her minion smug of solemn phiz,) + The pink and pattern of a noodle: + Its eyes are deep; their look, serene; + Its lips are sensitive and smiling; + But oh! the gross effect, I ween, + Is, passing measure, dull and riling. + + It is not that its locks are crisp; + Your humble servant's hair is crisper, + It is not that its accents lisp; + I, too, affect a stammered whisper: + Nor that a gorgeous bow it wears + And struts with particoloured bib on; + I like these macaronic airs; + I'm very fond of rainbow ribbon. + + Nor can it be--of this I'm sure-- + Because she pampers all its wishes + And tempts her peevish epicure + With dainty meats in dainty dishes. + To tell the truth, while _I'm_ her guest, + _My_ little wants and whims she studies; + If "Beau"'s a rival, I protest + No jealous tincture in my blood is. + + I wonder, wonder, at a loss + To justify such wayward snarling-- + It makes her very, _very_ cross + My poor opinion of her darling; + The cause (should pride the cause withhold, + She bodes and I deserve a scrimmage,) + The cause is this--she calls, I'm told, + The little brute my "_Living image!_" + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--My dear friend, Lady HARRIET ENTOUCAS, said to me, +the other day at Kempton, when I told her to have a sovereign on +_Conifer_:--"My dear Lady GAY, your tips are so marvellous that I +really wonder you don't write to the papers!" Being struck with the +idea, my thoughts naturally flew to you--not only as the most gallant +Editor of my acquaintance, but also as probably the only one hitherto +unrepresented with a regular Turf Correspondent. + +It is, therefore, with true feminine confidence that I place my +services at your disposal, and, my information being of the most +unreliable description (derived invariably from the owners), I feel +sure that those of your readers who follow my tips will have no cause +to regret their temerity, as, being like all women, nothing if not +original, I intend to tip, not the probable _winner_, but the probable +_last_ horse in important races! + +As I invariably attend all the fashionable meetings and most of +the unfashionable (incognito of course the latter), it can be left +to _me_ to decide which horse was last--thus reducing the matter +to a _certainty_--distinctly an object to be gained in making a +bet--whatever _men_ may say to the contrary. + +An ancestor of mine (the poet of the name)--having transmitted to me a +spark of his genius--I propose to give my selections in verse--select +verse in fact, and will now in concluding my letter, give my tip for +the probable last horse in the Derby--(which, by the way, happens in +this case to be a mare--I repeat--I am nothing if not original!)--and, +before doing so, I should like to express my sympathy with the Duke +of WESTMINSTER and JOHN PORTER, who have indeed had an Orme-ful of +trouble with the unfortunate erstwhile Derby Favourite, which would +undoubtedly have been my selection had he not been scratched! Yours +devotedly, + + LADY GAY. + +"THE TIP." + + The Baron boldly said, "Je vais + Renvoyer cette dépêche: + 'À Monsieur FRY of London Town. + Un livre sur _La Flèche_.'" + + * * * * * + +HYDE PARK CORNER. + +(MAY, 1892.) + + My hansom here completely stuck; + No chance to catch my train, worse luck! + I sit and wonder: + Why should the roads be up in May? + Who muddles matters in this way, + With bungling blunder? + + What use to make a shapeless space, + Where rambling roadways interlace, + And, in the Season, + To close just what was meant to save + This block, because they want to pave? + What is the reason? + + By Jove, it's like some years ago, + The traffic stopping in a row + In Piccadilly! + The Vestry does not care a pin + For all the muddle that we're in; + They're much too silly. + + Perhaps they'd say they meant it well. + I do not know. All I can tell + Is that I'm raving. + I'd send that Vestry down below, + Where all such good intentions go, + To make more paving! + + * * * * * + +FAIR TRADERS. + +Lady friend of my wife's wants us to "try her tea"! Seems she's +started (with two other Ladies) as Firm of Tea Merchants in City. What +_are_ we coming to? Or rather, what are male Tea Merchants coming to? +Mr. Registrar BROUGHAM, most likely. In incautious moment--as I was +out--wife promised to give her an order for a couple of pounds of her +"best Ceylon Mixture." + +Tried it. Never tasted such vile stuff! Wife agrees, and asks me to +call at the Firm's Offices and see if they haven't got anything with +more Ceylon and less Mixture in it. Don't much like the job. How +can one blow up a woman whom one will have to meet in one's own +drawing-room, calling? + +Have looked in. Must say that Tea-dealeress is better than her +tea. Really quite an attractive person. The three of them gave me +afternoon tea in a little sanctum behind the shop, and chatted _most_ +pleasantly. My wife's friend the head of Firm. Said the Ceylon Mixture +was a mistake--really intended for kitchen use--but as they've only +just started business, their stocks have got jumbled together. She +hoped--quite penitently--that I would "overlook the error." + +What _could_ I say? What I _did_ was to order a whole box of their +"Incomparable Congou," at four shillings a pound. + +Wife (when I tell her of this) seems surprised. Says "she won't +send _me_ shopping again." But can one call this cosy--this +tea-cosy--social visit to three accomplished women by the vulgar +term "shopping "? + +Wife incautiously mentions that she is "out of Coffee." Gives me an +excuse to call on Firm again, and see if they sell Coffee too. Yes, +they do. Head of Firm more fascinating than ever. Asks me "if I +would mind, as a very great favour, mentioning her tea to all my City +friends? She _knows_ I have great influence in the City." Says this +with winning smile. Query--is not _Mincing_ Lane rather an appropriate +locality for Lady Tea-dealers? + +Later. Wife has forbidden my ever going to Mincing Lane again! Says +the box of "Incomparable Congou" was mere "dust." So are my hopes! + + * * * * * + +A DENTIST'S WAITING-ROOM. + +[Illustration] + + Clasping tight my jaw, I staggered, + Pale and haggard, + To this room, + Where were fellow-martyrs sitting + In befitting, + Solemn gloom; + + Whilst they turned, with air dejected, + Books collected + To amuse, + _Graphics_, or accumulated + _Illustrated_ + _London News_. + + How they glared! No fellow-feeling + O'er them stealing, + Made them kind; + "Touch of nature" that is dental + Makes no mental + Kin, I find. + + There I sat, the numbers growing + Less, each going + To his fate-- + What a dismal occupation! + My elation + Was not great-- + + Heard the butler call each saddened, + Toothache-maddened + Victim's name; + Watched them wincing as they strode out: + I should no doubt + Look the same. + + Then, when me he had to take in, + "Mr. AIKIN!" + Made me quail; + O'er the after vivisection + Recollection + Draws a veil! + + * * * * * + +FROM THE SHADES. + +(_AT THE SIGN OF THE "CASTOR AND POLLUX."_) + +DEAR MISTER PUNCH,--Look at 'ere! This is not one of your penny +papers--there was none on 'em in _my_ time--ups and says, says +it:--"The travelling expenses from America of Mr. JACKSON, who is +coming to England to fight Mr. SLAVIN for the Championship of the +World, are reckoned at no less than £150." + +Wy, wot a delikit plarnt, wot a blooming hexotic, this "Mister" +JACKSON (oh, the pooty perliteness of it!) must be! Saloon passage +and fust-class fare, I persoom, for the likes of _'im_. Isters and +champagne, no doubt, and liquoor brandy, and sixpenny smokes! A poor +old pug like me wos glad of a steak and inguns, and a 'arf ounce o' +shag, with a penny clay. And as to "travelling hexpenses"--I wonder +wot the Noble Captings of _our_ day would 'ave said to the accounts +laid afore your "National Sporting Club!" £2000 for the Purse, and +£150 for Mister JACKSON's travelling hexpenses!!! Oh, I say! Pugs _is_ +a-looking up! And yet I'm told some o' your cockered-up fly-flappers +carnt 'it a 'ole in a pound o' butter, or stand a straight nose-ender +without turning faint! Evidently funking _and_ faking pays a jolly +sight better than 'onesty and 'ard 'itting. + +Well, well, _Mister Punch_, I'm hout of it now, thanksbe. And I ain't +sure as I could shape myself 'andy to the Slugger SULLIVAN and JEM +SMITH kind o' caper. The "resources o' science" is so remarkable +different from what they wos in _my_ days, and include so many +new-fangled barnies as we worn't hup to. These 'ere pugilistic +horchids, so to speak, wants deliket 'andling _in_ the Ring, as well +as hout on it, and a fair 'ammering from a 'onest bunch o' fives might +spile the pooty look of 'em for their fust-clarss Saloons, Privet +Boxes, and Swell Clubs. But you can tell Mister JACKSON, Eskvire, an +cetrer, an cetrer, an cetrer (put it all in, please, Sir, as I vant to +be perlite), that in my day I'd a bin only too 'appy to fight 'im to +a finish (which mighn't ha' bin in five minutes, either, hunless he +wanted it so), for--his Travelling Hexpenses!!! + + Yours to kommand, + THE CHICKEN. + + * * * * * + +SINGULAR PLURALITY! + + O SHAW-LEFEVRE, was it but fatality, + Or could it be because the subjects bore 'em, + That, when you wished to argue on plurality. + About one Member came to form a quorum? + No doubt the others meant this to denote + That when you speak you like "One Man, One Vote." + + * * * * * + +FRIENDLY ADVICE TO MRS. HUMPHRY WARD, À PROPOS OF HER TROUBLE WITH HER +ADVERSE CRITICS.--_Grieve_ no more! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ONE WHO PAINTS THE PRETTY +"KISS-MAMMY" PICTURES) HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Tommy._ "IT'S A LITTLE GIRL, FAST ASLEEP, WITH HER DOLL IN HER ARMS!" + +_Jimmy._ "YES; AND WHEN SHE WAKES UP, _WON'T_ SHE BE FRIGHTENED AT +THAT GREAT BIG BIRD!"] + + * * * * * + +ST. JOHN'S WOOD. + + These hapless homes of middle class, + Can they escape annihilation + When come, in place of trees and grass, + A filthy goods-yard and a station? + + If such seclusion sheltered Peers, + Their wealth and influence might save it; + No speculator ever fears + Artists or writers such as crave it; + + Or if it housed the WORKING MAN, + Would Lords or Commons dare eject him? + Picture the clamour if you can! + His vote, his demagogues, protect him. + + But you, who only use your brains-- + The people's voice, the noble's money, + Not yours--why save you from the trains? + For quiet, do you say? How funny! + + Perhaps you think, because in May + The talk is all of Art and beauty, + The Commons also think that way; + Not so, they have a higher duty. + + If only speculators shout, + And millionnaires take up the story, + They thrust all Art and Nature out, + For Trade is England's greatest glory. + + Then, if a careless House some day + Permit the Channel Tunnel boring, + Think how this railway line would pay; + If you had shares you'd cease deploring. + + Think of the cotton-laden trains + Direct from Manchester to Asia! + Think of the Sheffield Railway's gains, + Not of your lilac or acacia! + + * * * * * + +"ONE TOUCH OF NATURE." + +To introduce in a monument to a great writer a presentment of one of +his most popular characters, as Mr. F. EDWIN ELWELL has done in his +bronze statue of "_Charles Dickens and 'Little Nell,'_" is decidedly +a pretty notion. "The child," looking up into the face of the great +creative genius, who loved this offspring of his sympathetic fancy +better than did all her other admirers, is a pathetic figure, and +gives to the monument a more human and less coldly mortuary aspect +than, unhappily, is usual in such work. It is a "touch of Nature" that +makes even the adjunct of the mausoleum akin to the quick world of +the living and loving. The vivid valiant genius, who so detested and +denounced the superfluous horrors with which we surround death and +the tomb, would cordially have approved it, little as was his love for +monumental effigies, or care for the fame that is dependent on them. + + * * * * * + +VERY "FRENCH BEFORE BREAKFAST."--It was reported in the _Times_ that a +M. ROULEZ fought four duels between nine and ten on Wednesday morning, +severely wounded his four adversaries, and then, after this morning's +pleasure, went about his business, that is his ordinary business, as +if nothing particular had happened. To this accomplished swordsman the +series of combats had been merely like taking a little gentle exercise +"_pour faire Rouler le sang_." The combatants, as it turns out, appear +to have been like _Falstaff's_ "men in buckram." + + * * * * * + +THE LIMB AND THE LAW.--"To whom does an amputated limb belong?" +queries the _Standard_ (_à propos_ of the case of the boy HOUSLEY, +whose father demanded that the arm cut off in the Infirmary should be +given up to him). The answer is clear. An amputated limb belongs to +_no body_! + + + * * * * * + +IN DEFENCE OF THE GREAT PARADOXIST. + + He may not be "earnest," he may not be "smart," + You may say, if you please, he's unable to sing; + But, oh, you _must_ own he's a "work of art,"-- + A "beautiful untrue thing!" + + * * * * * + +ASPIRATIONS.--A Music-hall Manager told the Parliamentary Committee +sitting on Theatres and Places of Entertainment, that he did not +believe in Art with a capital A. Perhaps he believed in Art with a +capital H? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROYAL PARLIAMENTARY TOURNAMENT; OR, THE SESSION +ENDS IN SMOKE.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 16._--This looked forward to in advance +as grand field-night. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD been preparing onslaught on +JOKIM's last Budget. Should have come off days ago, but Squire had +other engagements in the country. Nothing to equal Prince ARTHUR's +accommodating spirit. If the Squire not ready to demolish Budget, say, +on Thursday, well, it shall be put off till Monday, or even later if +that day not convenient. JOKIM doesn't mind; accustomed to have his +Budgets torn up, and the little pieces returned to him postage unpaid; +would feel lonely if Budget went through an uninterrupted course. +Arranged accordingly that to-night the great onslaught shall he +delivered. The Squire judiciously spent interval since Friday amidst +quiet glades of Malwood. + +"I always like, TOBY," he said, "if I get a chance, to have Monday set +apart for one of my more important speeches. I make a point of going +to the morning service on the day which, happily still, lies 'tween +Saturday and Monday, and I don't know anything more conducive to the +preparation of impromptus than a good sermon read out for space of +twenty minutes; not more, or your wit begins to falter and you repeat +yourself; just twenty minutes. A moderately comfortable pew, a voice +not too loud in the pulpit, a fairly full congregation, and a general +sense that you're doing the right thing and setting an example to your +neighbours. Such circumstances preceding by some twenty-four hours my +rising in the Commons, are calculated to make JOKIM sit up." + +[Illustration: Waiting!] + +Calculation on this occasion somewhat astray. Rather hard to sit up +all the way through the Squire's speech; an hour and a half long; +bristling with figures; mellifluous with millions, throbbing with +thousands. The Squire is in peculiar degree dependent for success upon +mood of his audience. In crowded House, Members cheering, laughing, +or, if you please, jeering and howling, the Squire improves with every +five minutes of his Speech. To-night House not a quarter full; those +present depressed with consciousness that no real fight meant; Mr. G. +sat it out with some intervals of suspicious quietude. HENRY FOWLER +also faithful found; sitting with folded arms waiting for the time +when a new Chancellor of the Exchequer shall find opening made for +him on a newly-arranged Treasury Bench. + +Only JOKIM really listened; nervous, restless, murmuring comment, +muttering contradiction, clutching at himself with strange gestures +reminiscent of hereditary instinct to rend his garments in moments of +tribulation. That was something in recompense for the meditations of +yesterday morning. But as one swallow does not make a summer, neither +does one Minister, however unhappy under criticism, make an audience. +JOKIM followed with a speech scrupulously measured as to length by +that of the Squire's; through the dead unhappy night the rain of talk +fell on the roof, and everyone was glad when midnight, slowly coming, +struck. + +_Business done._--Budget Resolutions agreed to. + +_Tuesday._--Small Holdings Bill through Committee. Last clause added +amid buzz of admiration from a not too full House. + +[Illustration: "In rapt admiration!"] + +HAMLEY looked on in rapt admiration. + +JESSE COLLINGS rose up and called CHAPLIN blessed. + +"Not at all," said CHAPLIN, blushing; "as my friend TOOLE says from +the deck of the Houseboat, anyone could do it." + +"The fact is, TOBY," CHAPLIN whispered to me a little later, as we sat +on the Terrace sharing a bottle of gingerbeer imbibed through a couple +of straws, "I've really done a clever thing, only those fellows don't +quite see it. Here we've been for a week pegging away at this Bill, +bargaining and bickering. Sometimes I've yielded a trifle to the +Opposition; sometimes I haven't. But it's pretty much all the same in +the end. The Act will look very well in the Statute Book, and I hope +will help us at the General Election. But as far as practical use +goes, I have sometimes laughed when I look round the Committee and +see Members seriously discussing the thing. Just before the Bill was +printed, Prince ARTHUR asked me when I proposed the Act should come +into operation. 'When are you going to have the General Election?' I +asked, by way of reply. Prince ARTHUR said he couldn't exactly tell +at the moment. 'Very well,' I said; 'let us put it this way. If you're +going to dissolve at the end of June, the Act may as well come into +operation as soon as it receives Royal Assent. But if you postpone +Election over Autumn, better fix date for Act coming into force on the +first of January. 'What d'you mean?' asked ARTHUR. 'I mean just this. +If this Bill's to help us at the General Election, we mustn't give +time for people to find it out.' 'Um!' said ARTHUR, and he can put a +good deal of meaning into the observation." + +_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill in Committee. + +[Illustration: Admiral Jeremiah Field.] + +_Thursday._--Admiral JEREMIAH FIELD pacing quarter-deck, uttering +lamentations over collapse of the Eastbourne stand against the +Salvationists. Bill amending Eastbourne Improvement Act up for +Third Reading. JEREMIAH had proposed to introduce Clause enabling +inhabitants of town to protect themselves against the Sabbath +incursions of a mob in red waistcoats and poke bonnets, with drums, +trumpets also, and shawms. Evidently no use; so the Admiral lowered +his topsails, pulled taut his lee scuppers, and sheered off. "We're +living in flabby times," he complained to sympathetic House. + +He heaved one sigh, then he hove-to, and Bill read Third Time. + +Truth of Admiral's remark about living in flabby times proved through +rest of Sitting. "Don't," said GEORGE TREVELYAN, yesterday, speaking +about RUSSELL's Amendment on Plurality of Vote Bill--"don't drag this +ghost of a dead red-herring across the path." Only the imagination +of genius could conjure up this terrible vision. Realised it to-night +when Irish Local Government Bill took the floor, and asked to be read +a Second Time. Thought it was as dead as a herring, red or otherwise; +but here's its ghost filling House with gloom. Promise of several +days' cheerful conversation. SEXTON promptly turned on flood of +everlasting talk, hopelessly swamping place to begin with. Here's +a Bill no one believes Government seriously intend to proceed with; +still feel bound, having introduced it, to take Second Reading. Must +show it's not quite so ridiculous as it seemed when, three months +ago, Prince ARTHUR introduced it, and House laughed it off premises. +Sensible course suggested at close of Sitting by WILFRID LAWSOW. +"Scandalous waste of time," he said; "the sooner we finish Debate the +better." + +SEXTON full of scorn for the hapless measure. Looked it all over, +and behold! there is no good thing in it. Might have said this in ten +minutes, or at most, quarter of an hour. But temptation to straddle +irresistible; discoursed for full hour and half; talked clean out of +Peers' Gallery FIFE and Earl SPENCER, who had innocently looked in. +MADDEN, not to be outdone, talked for another hour and half; out of a +possible seven hours' debate three appropriated by two speakers. Quite +Maddening. Afterwards, RATHBONE, JOHNSTON (of Ballykilbeg), WEBB, +COGHILL, BLANE, and AMBROSE. + +A weary world, my masters! + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday._--Morning Sitting for further discussion of Local Government +Bill. Only four Members spoke, each Member at terrible length. At +this rate quite clear, if every Member is to have his say--and why +shouldn't he?--House must sit into August before even Second Reading +stage of Bill is disposed of. Should have been Evening Sitting, +but things rapidly approaching collapse. Members in state of coma. +Couldn't get forty together; and as soon as SPEAKER took chair Counted +Out. + +_Business done._--None. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch Volume 102, May 28, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14690 *** |