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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+March 7, 1917., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 7, 1917.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14966]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+March 7th, 1917.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"A motor car repairer," says Mr. Justice BRAY, "is like a plumber. Once you
+get him into the house you cannot get him out."... Unless, of course, you
+show him a burst bath pipe, when he will immediately go out to fetch his
+mate.
+
+       ***
+
+According to Herr WILDRUBE, a member of the Reichstag, Germans should
+"rejoice at the departure of Mr. GERARD and his pro-Entente espionage
+bureau." They have some rubes in the U.S.A., but nothing quite so wild as
+this.
+
+       ***
+
+An historical film, called "The Discovery of Germany," is being exhibited
+widely through the Fatherland under the auspices of the Government. A
+further discovery of Germany--that she has been fatally misled by her
+rulers--has not at present received the approval of the Imperial House.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Army authorities have issued an urgent warning to the public not
+to discuss military matters. Their own communiqués are to be taken as a
+model of the right kind of reticence.
+
+       ***
+
+An American film syndicate have overcome their difficulty in finding a man
+to take the place of CHARLIE CHAPLIN. They have decided to do without.
+
+       ***
+
+In Vienna, so as not to infuriate the indigent poor, tables are no longer
+placed near the window of the dearer restaurants. Similar establishments in
+Germany for the same reason were long ago made sound-proof.
+
+       ***
+
+We note that German and Turkish diplomats have been engaged in conference
+for the purpose of drawing the two countries closer together. Any little
+pressure from outside (as on the Tigris and the Ancre) is doubtless welcome
+as contributing to this end.
+
+       ***
+
+"The right way to dissipate the submarine nightmare" is how a contemporary
+describes the new restrictions on imports. The embargo on tinned lobster
+should certainly have that effect.
+
+       ***
+
+A museum is to be established at Stuttgart "to interest the masses of the
+people in overseas Germans and their conditions of life." Several Foreign
+Governments, it is understood, have expressed their willingness to supply
+specimens in any reasonable quantity.
+
+       ***
+
+Lively satisfaction is being expressed among members of the younger set at
+the appointment of Mr. ALFRED BIGLAND, M.P., as Controller of Soap. They
+are now discussing a resolution calling for the abolition of nurse-maids,
+who are notorious for using soap to excess.
+
+       ***
+
+A Bill has been introduced into the House of Lords with the object of
+admitting women to practise as solicitors. The raising of the statutory fee
+for a consultation to 6_s._ 8¾_d._ is also under consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+At Old Street Police Court a man charged with bigamy pleaded that when a
+child he had a fall which affected his head. It is not known why other
+bigamists do it.
+
+       ***
+
+At Haweswater, Westmoreland, some sheep were recently dug out alive after
+being buried in a snow-drift forty days. It is thought that a morbid fear
+of being sold as New Zealand mutton caused the animals to make a supreme
+struggle for life.
+
+       ***
+
+A lady correspondent of _The Daily Telegraph_ suggests that tradesmen
+should economise paper by ceasing to send out a separate expression of
+thanks with every receipted bill. A further economy is suggested by a
+hardened creditor, who advocates the abolition of the absurd custom of
+sending out a quarterly statement of "account rendered."
+
+       ***
+
+Beer bottles are now said to be worth more than the beer they contain, and
+apprehension is being felt lest the practice shall develop of giving away
+the contents to those who consent to return the empty bottles.
+
+       ***
+
+Difficulty having been found in replacing firemen called up for military
+service, the Hendon Council, it is rumoured, are requesting the residents
+not to have any conflagrations for the present at least.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. JOHN INNS, of Stevenage, has just purchased the whole parish of
+Caldecote, Herts; but the report that he had to do this in order to obtain
+a pound of sugar proves incorrect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOTICE.
+
+In order to meet the national need for economy in the consumption of paper,
+the Proprietors of _Punch_ are compelled to reduce the number of its pages,
+but propose that the amount of matter published in _Punch_ shall by
+condensation and compression be maintained and even, it is hoped,
+increased.
+
+It is further necessary that means should be taken to restrict the
+circulation of _Punch_, and on and after March 14th its price will be
+Sixpence. The Proprietors believe that the public will prefer an increase
+of price to a reduction of matter.
+
+Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for the regular
+delivery of copies, as _Punch_ may otherwise be unobtainable, the shortage
+of paper making imperative the withdrawal from Newsagents of the
+"on-sale-or-return" privilege.
+
+In consequence of the increase in the price of _Punch_ the period covered
+by subscriptions already paid direct to the _Punch_ Office will have to be
+proportionately shortened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APOLOGY OF A WARRIOR MINSTREL.
+
+  Lucasta, don't be cruel
+    If my bewildered lyre
+  Amidst such stores of fuel
+    Seems reft of sacred fire.
+
+  For if you know what France is
+    You know how it is hard
+  To blend, as in romances,
+    The warrior with the bard.
+
+  The troubadours of story
+    Knew no such woes as we,
+  Whose hopes of martial glory
+    Are built on F.A.T.[1]
+
+  With songs and swords and horses
+    They learned their careless rôle,
+  While we are sent on courses
+    That starve the poet's soul.
+
+  With gay anticipations
+    They feasted ere a fight,
+  But we in calculations
+    Wear out the chilly night.
+
+  And if some hour of leisure
+    Permits a lyric mood
+  My wretched Muse takes pleasure
+    In nothing else but food.
+
+  Thus when I am returning
+    Ice-cold from some O.P.,
+  And in the East is burning
+    Aurora's heraldry,
+
+  That spark she fails to waken
+    With which of yore I glowed,
+  Who, fain of eggs and bacon,
+    Tramp ravening down the road,
+
+  Aware, with self-despising,
+    Which interests me most--
+  The silvery mists a-rising
+    Or marmalade and toast.
+
+  Such are the War-bard's passions--
+    Rank seedlings of a time
+  That chokes with maths and rations
+    The bursting buds of rhyme.
+
+        [1]: Field Artillery Training
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROMANCE OF RATIONS.
+
+  "Not like to like, but like in difference."
+                  "_The Princess._"
+
+I have always misjudged Victorine--I admit it now with shame. While other
+girls have become engaged--and disengaged quite soon after--she has
+remained unattached and solitary. As I watched the disappointed suitors
+turn sadly away I put it down to pride and self-sufficiency, but I was
+wrong. I see now that she always had the situation well in hand.
+
+As for Algernon, he is the sort of man who writes sonnets to lilies and
+butterflies and the rosy-fingered dawn--this last from hearsay as he really
+knows nothing about it. He is prematurely bald and suffers from the
+grossest form of astigmatism, and I thought that no woman would ever love
+him. I never dreamt that Victorine had even noticed he was there.
+
+One day I heard that they were engaged. It was too hard for me to
+understand.
+
+On the third morning I went to see her.
+
+"Victorine," I said, "you have never loved before?"
+
+"Never," she assented softly.
+
+"Now, this man you have chosen--you do not care overmuch for lilies and
+butterflies and rosy-fingered dawns?"
+
+"Not overmuch," she admitted sadly.
+
+"Then what is it brings you together? What strange link of the spirit has
+been forged between you? To speak quite plainly, what do you see in him?"
+
+"Yesterday we lunched together, and two days before that he got here in
+time for breakfast."
+
+"And the engagement still holds?" I am no optimist.
+
+"Before that we dined. Yes, I do not exaggerate. It was my suggestion. One
+sees so much unhappiness now-a-days, and I wished to be quite sure we were
+suited to one another."
+
+"And you are convinced of the sincerity of the attachment?"
+
+"Why, I feel for him as Mother does for the knife-and-boot boy, and Uncle
+Stephen for the charlady. We cannot be separated. It would be monstrous."
+
+I ceased to be articulate. Victorine suddenly became radiant.
+
+"We must always be together--at any rate for the duration of the War, you
+see. I eat under my meat and he is over. In flour and sugar--oh, how can I
+confess it?--I _exceed_. He is far, far below his ration. Apart we are
+failures; together we are perfect. We both saw it at once."
+
+I realised suddenly the inevitability of this mutual bond.
+
+"So marriage is the only thing?" I asked; but I was already conquered.
+
+She assented with a regal air.
+
+As I went away I saw a new and strange beauty in the problem of Food
+Shortage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+IV.
+
+The Farmer's Boy (New Style).
+
+  The Hun was set on making us fret
+    For lack of food to eat,
+  When up there ran a City man
+    In gaiters trim and neat--
+  Oh, just tell me if a farm there be
+    Where I can get employ,
+  To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,
+    And he a farmer's boy,
+    And be a farmer's boy.
+
+  "In khaki dight my juniors fight--
+    I wish that I could too;
+  But since the land's in need of hands
+    There's work for me to do;
+  Though you call me a 'swell,' I would labour well--
+    I'm aware it's not pure joy--
+  To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O
+    And be a farmer's boy,
+    And be a farmer's boy."
+
+  The farmer quoth, "I be mortal loth,
+    But the farm 'tis goin' back,
+  And I do declare as I can't a-bear
+    Any farming hands to lack;
+  So if you've got grit and be middlin' fit
+    An'll larn to cry, 'Ut hoy!'
+  And to plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,
+    You shall be a farmer's boy,
+    You shall be a farmer's boy."
+
+  Bold farmers all, obey the call
+    Of townsfolk game and gay!
+  And you City men put by the pen
+    And hear me what I say:--
+  Get straight enrolled with a farmer bold,
+    And the Hun you'll straight annoy,
+  If you plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O
+    And be a farmer's boy,
+    And be a farmer's boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Sex-Problem Again.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--A 3-year-old Holstein gentleman cow."--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Liverpool master carter told the Tribunal that the last 'substitute'
+    sent him for one of his men backed a horse down a tip and landed him in
+    an expense of £50."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_.
+
+Many men have lost more by backing a horse _on_ a tip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bare Outlook.
+
+    "THINGS YOU HAVE GOT TO DO WITHOUT.
+    CLOTHES AND FOOD."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+This seems to bring the War even closer than the PREMIER intended.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE OR LESS.
+
+The fleet of Dutch merchantmen which has been sunk by a waiting submarine
+sailed, it now appears, under a German guarantee of "relative security":
+and the incident has been received in Holland with a widespread outburst of
+relative acquiescence. Germany, in the little ingenious arrangements that
+she is so fond of making for the safety and comfort of her neighbours, is
+so often misunderstood. It should be obvious by this time that her attitude
+to International Law has always been one of approximate reverence. The
+shells with which she bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent shells,
+and the _Lusitania_ was sunk by a relative torpedo.
+
+Neutrals all over the world who are smarting just now under a fresh
+manifestation of Germany's respective goodwill should try to realise before
+they take any action what is the precise situation of our chief enemy. He
+has (relatively) won the War; he has (virtually) broken the resistance of
+the Allies; he has (conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in
+particular, he is (morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight
+appear to be pretty heavily involved, but that will soon be adjusted by
+(hypothetical) indemnities; he has enormous (proportional) reserves of men;
+he has (theoretically) blockaded Great Britain, and his final victory is
+(controvertibly) at hand.
+
+But his most impressive argument, which cannot fail to come home to
+hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latest exhibition of offensive
+power, namely, in his (putative) advance upon the Ancre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Realism.
+
+From a cinema announcement:--
+
+    "The management regret that 'The Lost Bridegroom' missed the boat on
+    Sunday."--_Guernsey Evening Express_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Family Affair.
+
+From an account of a "gift sale":
+
+    "Alderman ---- advised the Committee to sell the donkey in the evening,
+    when there would be a lot present."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Impending Apologies.
+
+I.
+
+"Mr. ---- writes from New Cross:--'Sir,--I was pleased to see that you do not
+intend increasing the price of 'The Daily News,' and hope that you will not
+have to reconsider your decision. If necessary I, for one, would be quite
+content with four pages only."--_Daily News_.
+
+II.
+
+"The nurses who have a seven minutes' walk to their home quarters, have
+never had a rude word said to them, 'even,' she added, 'when they have had
+too much to drink.'"--_Daily Province (Vancouver, B.C.)_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE FREEDOM OF THE SEA."
+
+HOLLAND. "YOU'VE TAKEN A GREAT LIBERTY WITH ME."
+
+GERMANY. "OF COURSE I HAVE. I'M THE APOSTLE OF LIBERTY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE THEATRE OF WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOLACE.
+
+Mr. William Wood, grocer, of Acton, was very tired. And no wonder, for not
+only had he lost his two assistants, both having been called up, but the
+girls who had taken their places were frivolous and slow. Moreover his
+errand boy had that day given notice. And, furthermore, the submarine
+campaign was making it every day more difficult to keep up the stock, and
+the rise in prices meant anything but the commensurate increase of profit
+of which he was accused by indignant customers.
+
+Mr. Wood, therefore, was not sorry when, the shutters up, he could retire
+to his sitting-room upstairs and rest. His one hobby being reading, and his
+favourite form of literature being Lives and Letters, he had normally no
+difficulty in dismissing the shop from his mind. He would open the latest
+memoir from the library and lose himself in whatever society it
+reconstructed, political for choice. But to-night the solace could not so
+easily be found. For one thing, he had no new books; for another, the cares
+of business were too recent and too real.
+
+He sank into his armchair, covered his eyes with his hand, and pondered.
+
+Then suddenly he had an idea. If there were no letters of the Great to
+read, he would himself write to the Great and thus escape grocerdom and
+worry. If he were not a person of importance, he would at least pretend to
+be, and thus be comforted.
+
+Seating himself at the table and taking up his pen, he composed with
+infinite care the following chapter from a biography of himself:--
+
+The year 1916 was a comparatively uneventful one in the life of our hero.
+The principal events were the marriage of his youngest daughter with the
+son of the Bishop of Brighton and the rebuilding of The Towers after the
+fire. Perhaps the most important of his new friends were the Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY and Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, but unfortunately Sir HEDWORTH has not
+kept any of the letters. Nor is there much correspondence; but a few
+letters may be printed here, all testifying to the multifarious interests
+of this remarkable man, who not only knew everyone worth knowing, but
+projected himself into their careers with so much sympathy and keenness.
+The first is to the then Prime Minister:--
+
+_To the Right Hon. H.H. ASQUITH, M.P._
+
+MY DEAR ASQUITH,--This is only a line to remind you that you lunch with me
+at the Primrose Club on Monday at one o'clock. I have asked two or three
+friends to meet you, all good fellows. With regard to that matter on which
+you were asking my advice, I think that the wisest course at present is (to
+use the phrase, now a little stale, which I invented for you) to wait and
+see. Let me say that I thought your speech at the Guildhall a fine effort.
+Kindly remember me to the wife and Miss ELIZABETH, and believe me,
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+      WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+P.S.--I wish you would call me William. I always think of you as Herbert.
+
+_To the Earl of ROSEBERY._
+
+MY DEAR ROSEBERY,--It is a great grief to me to have to decline your kind
+invite to Dalmeny, but there is an obstacle I cannot overcome. My youngest
+daughter is to be married next week to the son of the Bishop of Brighton, a
+most well-bred young fellow with perfect manners. Nothing but the necessity
+of my presence at the feast of Hymen could deprive me of the pleasure of
+seeing your country place. Do not stay away too long, I beg. The town is
+dull without you.
+
+  I am, dear ROSEBERY,
+      Yours most affectionately,
+          WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING._
+
+MY DEAR KIPLING,--Just a line to say how much I admire your poem in this
+morning's _Times_. You have never voiced the feeling of the moment with
+more force or keener insight. But you will, I am sure, pardon me when I say
+that in the fifty-eighth stanza there is a regrettable flaw, which could
+however quickly be put right. To me, that fine appeal to Monaco to give up
+its neutrality is impaired by the use of the word "cope," which I have
+always understood should be avoided by good writers. "Deal" has the same
+meaning and is a truer word. You will, I am sure, agree with me in this
+criticism when you have leisure to think it over.
+
+Believe me, my dear KIPLING,
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+      WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To His Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY._
+
+MY DEAR ARCHBISHOP,--That was a very delightful dinner you gave me last
+night, and I was glad to have the opportunity of meeting Lord MORLEY and
+discussing with him the character of MARLBOROUGH. While not agreeing with
+everything that Lord MORLEY said, I am bound to admit that his views
+impressed me. Some day soon you must bring her Ladyship down to The Towers
+for a dine and sleep.
+
+  I am, my dear Archbishop,
+      Yours cordially,
+          WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To Lord NORTHCLIFFE._
+
+MY DEAR ALFRED,--You cannot, I am sure, do better than continue in the
+course you have chosen. What England needs is a vigilant observer from
+without; and who, as I have so often told you, is better fitted for such a
+part than you? You have all the qualities--high mobility, the courage to
+abandon convictions, and extreme youth. If you lack anything it is perhaps
+ballast, and here I might help you. Ring me up at any time, day or night,
+and I will come to you, just as I used to do years ago when you were
+beginning.
+
+  Think of me always as
+      Yours very sincerely,
+          WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO._
+
+MY DEAR PINERO,--I am glad you liked my suggestion and are already at work
+upon it. No one could handle it so well as you. I write now because it has
+occurred to me that the proper place for Lord Scudamore to disown his
+guilty wife and for her impassioned reply is not, as we had it, the spare
+room, but the parlour.
+
+  I am, dear old fellow,
+      Always yours to command,
+          WILLIAM WOOD
+
+Having written thus far, Mr. William Wood went to bed, perfectly at peace
+with himself and the world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend (to Professor, whose lecture, "How to Stop the War,"
+has just concluded)_. "CONGRATULATE YOU, OLD MAN--WENT SPLENDIDLY, AT ONE
+TIME DURING THE AFTERNOON I WAS RATHER ANXIOUS FOR YOU."
+
+_Professor._ "THANKS. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SO
+CONCERNED ON MY BEHALF."
+
+_Friend._ "WELL, A RUMOUR _DID_ GO ROUND THE ROOM THAT THE WAR WOULD BE
+OVER BEFORE YOUR LECTURE." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT BETRAYAL.
+
+  'Twas night, and near the Boreal cliff
+    The monarch in seclusion lay,
+  A wondrous human hieroglyph,
+    Worshipped from Chile to Cathay;
+  When lo! a cry, "Sire, up and fly!
+    The pirate ships are in the bay!"
+
+  "Begone, ye cravens," straight replied
+    The monarch with his eyes ablaze;
+  "No pirate on the ocean wide
+    Can fright me, for I know their ways.
+  Shall I do less in times of stress
+    Than soldiers who have earned My praise?
+
+  "Yet stay," he paused awhile, and then--
+    "Let messengers the country scour
+  On pain of death forbidding men
+    To speak, in hut or hall or tower,
+  Of what I said this night of dread,
+    Or where I spent its darkest hour."
+
+  Swift flew the minions to obey;
+    The wearied monarch slumbered late;
+  Yet, in the Capital next day,
+    Writ large upon his palace gate,
+  A mighty scroll to every soul
+    Blazoned the words that challenged Fate.
+
+  The monarch's rage surpassed all bounds
+    When of this treachery he read;
+  A price of several million pounds
+    Was  placed upon the miscreant's head;
+  But sceptics jibe--an odious tribe--
+    And swear that he will die in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Way to Pay Old Debts.
+
+    "The Inventor of British and American Patents is desirous to Sell or
+    License to Manufacturers, &c., &c.... The above Inventor and Patentee
+    will be greatly obliged if anyone that he owes money to will forward
+    the amount not later than this month, otherwise he will not acknowledge
+    after."--_Financial Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LITTLE WAR PICTURES.
+    A NOBLE ARMY OF OPTIMISTS IN TRANCE."--_Straits Times (Singapore)._
+
+We wish our pessimists would join them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVII.
+
+My Dear Charles,--St. John, in 1914 a light-hearted lieut., advancing and
+retiring with his platoon as an all-seeing Providence or a short-spoken
+Company Commander might direct, and in 1915 a Brass-hat with a vast amount
+of knowledge and only a hundred buff slips or so to write it down on, is
+now Second in Command of his regiment. He tells me he is encamped with his
+little lot on the forward slope of a muddy and much pitted ravine. On the
+opposite slope are some nasty noisy guns, and at the bottom of the ravine
+are the cookers.
+
+When, after much forethought, he has found something to do and has begun
+doing it, there is a cry of "Stand clear!" and, with that prudence which
+even an Englishman will learn if you do not hustle him but give him a year
+or two to find by experience that care should sometimes be taken, all get
+to earth. The guns fire; the neighbourhood heaves and readjusts itself, and
+a man may then come out again. By the time, however, he has collected his
+senses and his materials there is another "Stand clear!" and back he must
+go to earth. This is what is technically known as Rest.
+
+It was not good enough for one of the battalion cooks. No man can do
+justice to a mess of pottage by lying on his belly at a distance and
+frowning at it. After many movements to and fro, he eventually said be
+damned to guns and "Stand clears;" stood on the top of his cooker (there
+was nowhere else to stand), and, holding a dixie lid in his hand and
+bestowing on the contents of the dixie that encouraging smile without which
+no stew can stew, defied all the artillery of the B.E.F. to do its worst.
+It did.
+
+The cook recovered to find himself among his dixies, frizzling pleasantly
+and browning nicely in certain parts. Even so, professional interests
+over-came any feeling of personal injury. Rising majestically, he stepped
+down and advanced upon the nearest gun crew. "Now you've done it, you
+blighters!" he shouted, waving an angry fist at them. "You've been and gone
+and blown all the pork out of the beans."
+
+The same man went on holiday to the neighbouring town, which is in reality
+an ordinarily dull and dirty provincial place, but to the tired warrior is
+a haven of rest and a paradise of gaiety and good things. Here he came into
+contact with the local A.P.M. in the following way. The latter was in his
+office after lunch, brooding no doubt, when in came a French policeman
+greatly excited in French. There was, it appeared, promise of a commotion
+at the Hotel de Ville. A British soldier had got mixed up in the queue of
+honest French civilians who were waiting outside for the delivery of their
+legal papers. There were no bi-linguists present, but it had been made
+quite clear to the Britisher that he must go, and it had been made quite
+clear by the Britisher that he should stay. Always outside the Hotel de
+Ville at 2.30 of an afternoon was this queue of natives, each waiting his
+turn to be admitted to the joyless sanctum of the Commissaire, there to
+receive those illegible documents without which no French home is complete.
+Never before had a British soldier fallen in with them, and, when requested
+to dismiss, showed signs of being obstreperous.
+
+The A.P.M. buckled on his Sam Browne belt and prepared for the worst, which
+he assumed to be but another example of the frailty of human nature when
+suddenly confronted with unaccustomed luxuries. When he got to his prey he
+found him not quite in the state expected. Usually at the sight of an
+A.P.M. a soldier, whatever the strength of his case, will express regret,
+promise reform, and make ready to pass on. This one stood his ground; on no
+account would he leave the queue. He explained to the A.P.M. that he was
+too used to the manifold and subtle devices of people who wanted to snaffle
+other people's places in queues. He was however quite prepared to parley,
+and was only too glad to find a fellow-countryman, speaking the right
+language and having the right sense of justice, to parley with.
+
+He said he had taken his proper place in the line, with no attempt to
+hustle or jostle anyone else. He meant to do no one any harm, and he was
+prepared to pay the due price, in current French notes, whatever it might
+be. But having got his place by right he refused to give it up to anyone
+else, be he French or English, Field Officer or even gendarme. He had been
+excessively restrained in resisting the unscrupulous attempts of the
+gendarme to dislodge him. If he had made any threat of knocking the
+gendarme down he had not really intended to take that course. The threat
+was only a formal reply to the gendarme's proposal to stick a sword through
+his middle.
+
+He was, he said most emphatically, not drunk. If the A.P.M., in whom he had
+all confidence, would occupy his place in the queue and keep it for him, he
+would demonstrate this by a practical test. In any case he ventured to
+insist on his point. Without claiming any special privileges for a man
+fighting and cooking for his country, he claimed the right of any human
+being, whatever his nationality, to witness any cinema show which might be
+in progress.
+
+The underlying good qualities of both nations were evidenced in the sequel.
+When the A.P.M. had interpreted the matter the gendarme insisted on an
+embrace, and the cook permitted it. Later, I have reason to believe, they
+witnessed a most moving cinema play together, but not in the Commissaire's
+office at the Hotel de Ville.
+
+  Yours ever,
+      HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+I.
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+It hadn't rained for forty days and forty nights.
+
+"The reason it doesn't rain," said the guinea-fowl, "is that the barometer
+is very high."
+
+But no one listened to her.
+
+"The reason is," said the duck with the black wings, "that the pond is
+nearly empty. When the pond is empty it doesn't rain."
+
+"It's the hen-house," said the black hen. "Whenever the roof drips there is
+rain."
+
+"It is certainly the hen-house," said all the hens.
+
+"It comes from the trees," said the turkey. "The leaves drip and then there
+is rain, and the more they drip the heavier it rains."
+
+"It is my kennel," chuckled Bruno, the wise old dog. "The more it leaks the
+more it rains."
+
+At that very moment it began to rain in torrents.
+
+"The pond is full," quacked the ducks. "Look at the pond."
+
+"Oh, do look at the hen-house roof--dripping!" shrieked the hens.
+
+"The leaves--look at the leaves," gurgled the turkeys.
+
+"And my kennel leaks. I can feel it on my back," chuckled Bruno.
+
+"The barometer has gone down," said the guinea-fowl.
+
+But no one took any notice of her--quite properly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Housing Problem.
+
+    "Three chicken coops, also pigeon-house, for pole; suitable for
+    lady."--_The Lady_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Open-Air Cure.
+
+    "The _Telegraaf_ learns from its correspondent at the frontier that on
+    yesterday (Monday) afternoon a fresh air attack was made on
+    Zeebrugge."--_Morning Post_.
+
+A pleasant change from stuffy shells.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FEMININE.
+
+"THAT SHADE. WOULDN'T 'ALF SUIT ME."
+
+"LOR LUMMY, LIL! WOT TISTE--AN' YOU A BLONDE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SONG OF THE MILL.
+
+    [Most of our water-mills have fallen into decay and disuse owing to the
+    unsuitability of their machinery to grind imported grain. Will the
+    revival of English grain production bring about a renewal of their
+    usefulness?]
+
+  As by the pool I wandered that lies so clear and still
+  With tall old trees about it, hard by the silent mill
+  Whose ancient oaken timbers no longer creak and groan
+  With roar of wheel and water, and grind of stone on stone,
+
+  The idle mill-race slumbered beneath the mouldering wheel,
+  The pale March sunlight gilded no motes of floating meal,
+  But the stream went singing onward, went singing by the weir--
+  And this, or something like it, was the song I seemed to hear:--
+
+  "By Teviot, Tees and Avon, by Esk and Ure and Tweed,
+  Here's many a trusty henchman would rally to your need;
+  By Itchen, Test and Waveney, by Tamar, Trent and Ouse,
+  Here's many a loyal servant will help you if you choose.
+
+  "Do they no longer need us who needed us of yore?
+  We stood not still aforetime when England marched to war;
+  Like those our wind-driven brothers, far seen o'er weald and fen,
+  We ground the wheat and barley to feed stout Englishmen.
+
+  "You call the men of England, their strength, their toil, their gold,
+  But us you have not summoned, who served your sires of old;
+  For service high or humble, for tribute great and small,
+  You call them and they answer--but us you do not call.
+
+  "Yet we no hoarded fuel of mine or well require,
+  That drives your fleets to battle or lights the poor man's fire;
+  We need no white-hot furnace for tending night and day,
+  No power of harnessed lightnings to speed us on our way.
+
+  "By Tavy, Dart and Derwent, by Wharfe and Usk and Nidd,
+  Here's many a trusty vassal is yours when you shall bid,
+  With the strength of English rivers to push the wheels along
+  And the roar of many a mill-race to join the victory song."
+                  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Berlin Municipality has issued the following order. 'Despite the
+    present unfavourable conditions of production, it has become possible
+    that from Friday this week one shss will be available for every citizen
+    of Berlin,'"--_Egyptian Gazette_.
+
+Judging by the mystery surrounding it we infer that "shss" must be some
+kind of sausage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOD RESTRICTION.
+
+SCENE: _Hotel._
+
+_Little Girl._ "OH, MUMMY! THEY'VE GIVEN ME A DIRTY PLATE."
+
+_Mother._ "HUSH, DARLING. THAT'S THE SOUP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+"MINSTREL BOY."--You are confusing TENNYSON'S "Brook" with the Tigris. Also
+it is the Turkish Army and not the river (which flows the other way) that
+is speaking in the famous lines--
+
+  "I come from haunts of Kut (return);
+    I make a sudden sally."
+
+"ANXIOUS INQUIRER."--No, we are without reliable news of FERDIE. But it is
+rumoured that he is preparing to conform to the general movement of the
+Central Allied Powers, and is therefore taking a little gentle running
+exercise in the Vulpedrome at Vienna.
+
+"V.T.C."--We rejoice with you that already--not more than 2½ years since
+the revival of the Volunteer Force--the War Office has recognised the
+desirability of giving the Volunteer a rifle to shoot with; and it now
+seems almost certain that he will receive one, _free of charge_, before the
+conclusion of peace. We welcome this wise and generous decision, for though
+we have never pretended to be a military authority we have always held the
+view that in a tight corner a man with a rifle has an appreciable advantage
+over an unarmed man.
+
+"FORTUNE-TELLER."--Like you, we are greatly impressed by the convincing
+arguments advanced by our military experts in support of the view that the
+Germans are likely to put forth a great effort this year at some point on
+one of their fronts; and we share your belief that the time has come when
+the Government should supply a long-felt want by establishing a Department
+of Intelligent Anticipation. It is a happy suggestion of yours to offer,
+for a reasonable consideration, to place at the disposal of such a
+Department your admirably-equipped premises in Bond Street.
+
+"SCHNAPPS."--The correct version is:--
+
+  "In the matter of U-Boats the fault of the Dutch
+  Is protesting too little and standing too much."
+
+"CARILLON."--You ask how the Germans will manage for their joy-peals now
+that the military authorities have commandeered the church bells. It was
+very bright of you to think of this. The answer is that, in view of
+pressing national needs, they are going to give up having victories. After
+all, this is an age of sacrifice.     EDITOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "Abandon housekeeping and live in comfort at the hotel ------.
+    Not too large to give the best of service, and not too small to be
+    uncomfortable."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We feel it to be our patriotic duty to call the attention of the FOOD
+CONTROLLER to the conduct of a well-known restaurant which blatantly
+describes itself on a bill of fare as
+
+    "THE GORGE AND VULTURE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Women lamplighters will shortly be seen in the submarine districts of
+    London."--_Bradford Daily Argus_.
+
+But to prevent disappointment we ought to mention that this phenomenon can
+only be witnessed by the _Argus_-eyed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALSO RAN.
+
+WILLIAM. "ARE YOUR LURING THEM ON, LIKE ME?"          MEHMED. "I'M AFRAID I
+AM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 26th._--The new Member for Roscommon has not yet appeared
+in the House, but he is nevertheless doing his bit more effectively,
+perhaps, than some of his compatriots. The SPEAKER'S ruling is "No seat, no
+salary"; so Count PLUNKETT will have the satisfaction of knowing that by
+his self-sacrificing absence he is paying the expenses of the War for at
+least five seconds.
+
+With suitable solemnity Sir EDWARD CARSON gave a brief account of the
+exploits of the German destroyer squadrons. One of them, comprising several
+vessels, had engaged a single British destroyer for several minutes before
+cleverly executing a strategic movement in the direction of the German
+coast; while another had simultaneously bombarded the strongholds of
+Broadstairs and Margate, completely demolishing two entire houses. The
+damage would have been still more serious but for the fortunate
+circumstance that the fortresses erected on the foreshore last summer by an
+army of youthful workpeople had been subsequently removed.
+
+Any gloom engendered by the fore-going announcement was quickly dissipated
+by Mr. BONAR LAW, who read a telegram from General MAUDE, announcing the
+fall of Kut-el-Amara.
+
+The rest of the afternoon was chiefly occupied by a further combat over the
+merits of Lord FISHER. Although, as Dr. MACNAMARA subsequently remarked,
+"this is not the time for fighting battles along the Whitehall front," I am
+afraid the House thoroughly enjoyed Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S discursive account
+of his relations with the late FIRST SEA LORD, who really seems to be quite
+a forgiving person. At least it is not everybody who, after being greeted
+at a garden-party with "Come here, you wicked old sinner," would afterwards
+invite his accuser to lunch at the Ritz.
+
+In the first statement of policy made by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE after his
+appointment as Prime Minister he said that the primary step towards a
+settlement of an age-long Irish trouble would be the removal of the
+suspicion of Irishmen by Irishmen. Mr. DILLON'S notion of contributing to
+that desirable end is to accuse Sir BRYAN MAHON, who has had to deport
+certain recidivist Sinn Feiners, of being the tool of a Dublin Castle gang.
+Not, of course, that Mr. DILLON is in sympathy with Sinn Feiners; on the
+contrary he dislikes them so much that he would like to keep St. George's
+Channel between them and himself. But by his own speeches he has hypnotized
+himself into the belief that everything done by the British Government in
+Ireland must have a corrupt motive. His colleague from West Belfast is not
+much wiser, to judge by the tone of his speech to-night; and I think Mr.
+DUKE, who is doing his best to reconcile the irreconcilable, must have been
+tempted to adapt one of MR. DILLON'S phrases and to say that Ireland was
+between the DEVLIN and the deep sea.
+
+_Tuesday, February 27._--The capture of Kut has had an exhilarating effect
+upon Lord CREWE. Not long ago he was warning us against excessive
+jubilation over the British advance in that region. Now he justified his
+title by coming out as a regular _Chanticleer_, and invited Lord CURZON to
+tell the assembled Peers that we might be confident of regaining
+predominance in the whole of Mesopotamia.
+
+[Illustration: LORD BUCKMASTER'S DREAM OF A BRIGHTENED HOUSE OF LORDS.]
+
+In these times the Lords can refuse nothing to the Ladies. In moving the
+second reading of a Bill to enable women to become solicitors Lord
+BUCKMASTER may have approached his subject in the spirit of a cautious
+knight-errant, as Lord SUMNER said, but he carried his argument. He owed
+something, perhaps, to the unintentional assistance of his opponents. Lord
+BUCKMASTER had incidentally mentioned that a woman once sat on the
+Woolsack, and there administered such very odd law that the City of London
+rose in mutiny. This shocked the historical sense of Lord HALSBURY, who
+hastened to point out that the lady in question had left the Woolsack for a
+reason entirely creditable to her sex, namely to become the mother of one
+of our greatest Kings. Then Lord FINLAY, who now occupies the seat alleged
+to have been filled by ELEANOR of Provence, endeavoured to frighten their
+Lordships by the thin end of the wedge argument. If women were admitted
+solicitors they would next want to practise at the Bar, and even become
+Judges. But the Peers refused to be intimidated, and gave the Bill a second
+reading.
+
+Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT'S colossal intellect, like the elephant's trunk, can
+grapple with the most minute objects. Yesterday it was the shortage of
+sausage-skins; this afternoon it was the grievance of Scottish bee-keepers,
+who are deprived of sugar for their charges, and compelled to put up with
+medicated candy at twice the price. In spite of the FOOD CONTROLLER, I
+understand that MR. SCOTT has no intention of parting with the very
+promising swarm that he carries in his national headgear.
+
+_Wednesday, February 28th._--Mr. WATT was seized with a bright idea this
+afternoon. The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND had explained to Mr. GINNELL,
+that certain men had been convicted of having attempted to cause
+disaffection by singing disloyal songs. "Will the right hon. and learned
+gentleman give the House a sample?" interjected Mr. WATT. The notion of Mr.
+DUKE, _vir pietate gravis_, if ever there was one, indulging in ribald
+melody, caused much laughter, which was increased when the right hon.
+gentleman in his most portentous manner implied that his only reason for
+not granting the request was fear that the SPEAKER might intervene.
+
+[Illustration: SIR FREDERICK BANBURY AND COLONEL MARK LOCKWOOD CONSULT THE
+WATER LIST.]
+
+A brief recrudescence of the MEUX-CHURCHILL duel was not much to the taste
+of the House, which is evidently of opinion that LORD FISHER might now be
+left alone both by foes and by friends. Members were glad to seek solace in
+the drink question, and gave a sympathetic hearing to the proposal of Mr.
+WING that they should voluntarily submit to the same restricted hours of
+consumption as they had imposed on the outside world. Mr. WING is a
+temperance reformer, but on this occasion he had the redoubtable assistance
+of Mr. GEORGE FABER, a stout friend of the "trade" whose hair had grown
+white, he declared (though in other respects he still looks delightfully
+juvenile), in fighting the Licensing Bill of 1908. In his opinion the House
+could no longer keep itself in a compartment apart--especially as it was
+not a watertight compartment. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, who is naturally a
+champion of cakes--and ale--made a despairing effort to preserve the
+privileges of the Palace of Westminster, but did not carry his protest to a
+division; and after a few valedictory remarks from Colonel LOCKWOOD,
+including two quotations from LUCRETIUS (derived from a crib, as he
+modestly explained), the House unanimously decided that its habits should
+be in conformity with its debates--dry with moist intervals.
+
+_Thursday, March 1st._--Copies of the unexpurgated edition of the Report of
+the Dardanelles Commission marked "confidential" are to be sent to the
+SPEAKER and to the leader of every political party in the House. If Mr.
+BONAR LAW thought by this announcement to allay curiosity he was
+disappointed. Requests for a definition of the term "political party"
+rained upon him from all quarters. It really is a rather nice point. Mr.
+ASQUITH, Mr. REDMOND and Mr. WARDLE will, of course, receive their copies
+of the _editio princeps_. But what about Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who commands
+a bare half-section, even if one includes Mr. T.M. HEALY as odd file? What,
+too, of the Peace-without-Victory party, which is all leaders? The case of
+Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE, which was publicly mentioned, presents little
+difficulty. Much as they love one another, neither is prepared to
+acknowledge the other as his leader.
+
+The greatest crux is furnished by Mr. GINNELL and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING.
+Each of them leads a distinct party, making up by its activity and
+volubility for its comparative lack of size. Logically they may look
+forward to receiving copies of the "confidential" document too sacred for
+the inspection even of Peers and Privy Councillors. But I should not
+encourage them to hope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Maid._ "THE DOCTOR HAS CALLED TO SEE YOU, SIR."
+
+_Government Official (faintly)._ "TELL HIM TO FILL UP A FORM, STATING THE
+NATURE OF HIS BUSINESS AND IF BY APPOINTMENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boss (to typist, a war flapper, who is very late)._ "EH,
+YE'VE COOM AT LAST. WE WERE JUST TALKIN' ABOOT YE."
+
+_Typist._ "AH, I WONDERED WHAT MADE MY EAR BURN." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CLASSICAL AMERICA.
+
+    [A correspondent of _The Westminster Gazette_ remarks in a recent
+    issue, "I am told American students sing their Pindar."]
+
+  A WRITER in the evening Press
+  Lays quite unnecessary stress
+  Upon the fact that youthful scholars,
+  Residing in the land of dollars,
+  Where men are shrewd and level-headed,
+  Sing songs to PINDAR'S verses wedded.
+  Yet why this wonder, when you think
+  How strongly welded is the link
+  That binds Columbia and its glory
+  To lands renowned in classic story?
+  There's hardly any town of note
+  Mentioned by MOMMSEN or by GROTE
+  Except Byzantium, perhaps--
+  Which doesn't figure in our maps.
+  Of Ithacas we have a score,
+  And Troys and Uticas galore;
+  Chicago has a Punic sound,
+  And pretty often, I'll be bound,
+  Austere Bostonians heavenward send a
+  Petition calling her _delenda_;
+  While Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
+  Betray the classicising mania.
+  We have a Capitol, also,
+  As fine as Rome's of long ago;
+  Pompey and Romulus and Remus
+  (I'm not so sure of Polyphemus)
+  Are names with us more often worn
+  Than in the lands where they were born.
+  Then, as true classicists to stamp us,
+  Each College has its separate Campus,
+  And we have Senators whose mien
+  Might well have turned old BRENNUS green.
+  Why even the Bird that proudly soars
+  In majesty to guard our shores
+  Before migrating to these regions
+  Was followed by the Roman legions.
+  But we have writ enough to show
+  What everybody ought to know,
+  That, spite of hustle and skyscrapers,
+  And Tammany and yellow papers,
+  The spirit of both Greece and Rome
+  Has found a second lasting home
+  Across the wide Atlantic foam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More War Economy.
+
+    "Perambulator, cheap, for cash, as new; cost £9 15s., receipt shown;
+    owner getting rid of baby."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Turn to the annals of the period 1914-1917, everlastingly to be
+    remembered by the Meuse of History."--_Jamaica Paper_.
+
+The Meuse needs no reminder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DOING WITHOUT."
+
+A valued correspondent writes:--
+"We are deluged in the Press just now with information on how to 'do
+without.' One morning a splendid recipe for making pancakes without eggs;
+another, a perfect Irish stew without potatoes; another, a Welsh rabbit
+without cheese. Meatless days are to be as natural as wireless telegraphy;
+and the other day we were asked seriously to consider the problem of a
+school without teachers! But there is a certain little corner of the daily
+paper headed, 'London Readings,' which could better, in war-time phrases,
+be expressed thus: 'Stern Facts must be Faced--How to do without Sunshine,'
+for all that the Meteorological expert can find to say is, 'Yesterday
+Sunshine, 0.0. Previous day Sunshine, 0.0.' O! O!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What a Woman Notices.
+
+    "Sears succeeded in cashing two of the cheques at the bank, the woman
+    cashier not noticing that they were crossed. When she came to the bank
+    a third time, however, the cashier recognised the hat she was wearing,
+    and caused her to be detained."--_Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIVILEGE.
+
+Mr. Jenkins, junior partner in the firm of Baldwin and Jenkins, antique
+dealers, Wigpole Street, was in the habit, on fine afternoons, of walking
+home from business to his flat in the Brompton Road.
+
+He invariably chose the path which runs parallel to Park Lane, just inside
+the Park railings.
+
+Being middle-aged and unmarried he walked slowly and methodically, and was
+careful, when he came level with an entrance, to note the particular gates
+marked "In" and "Out." He would, as he crossed the "Out" opening, look
+sharply to the right, and as he passed the "In" opening look sharply to the
+left. "Safety first" was a creed with him.
+
+One mild Spring afternoon, as he was passing by an "Out" aperture, with his
+whole attention fixed to the right, he was aware, amid the sound of
+motor-horns and shouts, that the roadway had risen up and struck him on the
+back of the neck, and that something like the Marble Arch had kicked him at
+the same moment.
+
+A week later Mr. Jenkins recovered consciousness in a beautiful clean ward
+of St. George's Hospital. A smiling nurse stood by his bed and, as he tried
+to sit up, she told him he must be quiet and not disturb the bandages.
+
+"Your friend Mr. Baldwin is coming to see you to-day at two o'clock," she
+told him. "No, it is not serious; you are out of danger. Now you have only
+to be quiet; so when your friend comes you mustn't talk too much."
+
+He lay still and thought, and it all came back to him. "But, good heavens!"
+was his reflection, "that car must have come _in_ by the '_Out_' gate! In
+that case," he continued, not without pleasure, "I can claim damages--very
+severe damages too."
+
+At two o'clock Mr. Baldwin, his grey-bearded friend and partner, entered.
+"Well, Jenkins," said he, "I'm glad to see you've turned the corner. You've
+had rather a narrow squeak."
+
+Mr. Jenkins looked at his friend for a moment. "Look here," he said, "I'm
+not allowed to speak much, but did you know that that car, when it struck
+me, was coming in through an 'Out' gate, and, as that can be proved, don't
+you see that I can get pretty good compensation?"
+
+His friend's face remained solemn. "I fear not," he said.
+
+"But I must," said Jenkins. "It's as clear as can be. Scores of people must
+have seen it."
+
+Mr. Baldwin shook his head horizontally.
+
+"Heavy damages," said Mr. Jenkins, "I repeat."
+
+"I've gone into it," his partner replied, "and it's hopeless."
+
+"Why?" asked the sick man.
+
+"I'll tell you," said Mr. Baldwin. "Because that car belonged to the Duke
+of Mudcaster."
+
+"The more reason," said Mr. Jenkins, "for heavy damages. Very heavy. The
+Duke's rolling."
+
+"Maybe he rolls," said Mr. Baldwin. "But that is not all. Listen. The Duke
+of Mudcaster is the only representative of the Pennecuiks, whose founder
+had the good fortune to be of some service to KING WILLIAM III. For this
+service he and his posterity were allowed the privilege of entering places
+by gates marked 'Out' and leaving by gates marked 'In.'"
+
+Mr. Jenkins sat half up, groaned and subsided again. He said nothing.
+
+"Well, I must say good-bye now," said Mr. Baldwin. "Sorry I've depressed
+you about compensation, but you never had an earthly. See you again soon.
+So long."
+
+For some minutes Mr. Jenkins remained as one stunned. Then he began to
+think again. "I wonder," he said once or twice, for he knew his
+partner,--"I wonder. Could it have been Baldwin himself in his old Ford?
+Could it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_ruminating_). "WHAT A POOR SUPPLY OF GAS THERE
+IS! AH, WELL, I MUSTN'T GRUMBLE. PERHAPS WE ARE ATTACKING WITH GAS AT THE
+FRONT TO-DAY." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a schoolboy's letter:--
+
+    "Please do not send me a cake this term, or it will go to the Red Cross
+    Soldiers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MANAGERESS wanted immediately, small Blouse Factory, Harrogate; able
+    to cut out and control girls."--_Harrogate Advertiser._
+
+She will need to be careful. A girl who has been cut out is apt to be
+uncontrollable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The German KAISER and a wounded Belgian Officer, a Prisoner._)
+
+_The Kaiser._ So, then, you are still in arms against me, still persisting
+in your insane desire for battle and bloodshed? Will nothing content you?
+Must you compel us to continue in our enmity when by a word peace might be
+established between us, and Belgium might take her place at the side of
+Germany as a sister-nation striving with us to promote the cause of true
+civilisation?
+
+_The Belgian._ It is useless, Sir, to say such things to any Belgian.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Why useless? Do you not wish that death and ruin and misery
+should cease?
+
+_The Belgian._ Certainly we do. No one more ardently than the Belgians, for
+it was not we who desired war or began the contest. But when you talk of
+stopping we must remind you that it was by your deliberate choice that war
+was treacherously forced on us. What could we do except defend ourselves
+against the dastardly blow that you aimed at our life? And after that it
+was not by us that Louvain was destroyed, that old men and women and
+children were ruthlessly massacred. Do you think such scenes can be wiped
+out of the memory of a nation, so that her men shall turn round and kiss
+the bloodstained hand that has tried to throttle them? Surely you expect
+too much.
+
+_The Kaiser._ You speak too freely. Remember in whose presence you are.
+
+_The Belgian._ There is not much fear that I shall forget. I am in the
+presence of one who has desired at all costs to concentrate on himself the
+gaze of the world, caring nothing as to the means by which he accomplished
+his object. This man, for he is, after all, only a poor human creature
+prone to anger, suspicion and foolish jealousy--this man has always gone
+about arrogating to himself the attributes of a god, calling upon his own
+people to worship him, and on all other peoples to be humble before him.
+Stung by his own restless vanity and the servile applause of those who are
+ever ready to prostrate themselves before an Emperor, he has rushed hither
+and thither seeking to make others the mere foils of his splendour and his
+wisdom, making mischief wherever he went and striving to irritate and
+depress his neighbours. This man in peace was a bad neighbour, and in war a
+base and treacherous foe, sanctioning by his enthusiastic approval such
+deeds as the meanest villain would have contemplated with shame.
+
+_The Kaiser._ This is too much. I gave you leave to speak, but not to
+revile me. You must not forget that you are in my power.
+
+_The Belgian._ A noble threat! But it is right and proper that men like
+you, who think they are infallible because their cringing flatterers tell
+them so, should sometimes hear the truth. You dare, forsooth, to talk to a
+Belgian of your magnanimity and your desire for peace. Cannot you realise
+that our nation has been tempered by outrage and ruin; that exile and the
+ruthless breaking of their homes only serve to make its men and women more
+resolute; that even if others were to cease fighting against you, and if
+her sword were broken, Belgium would dash its hilt in your face till breath
+and life were driven out of her mangled body; that, in short, we hate you
+for your cruelty and despise you for your baseness; and that for the
+future, wherever there is a Belgian, there is one who is the enemy of the
+thing called KAISER.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Enough, enough. I did not come here to be insulted. If you
+have suffered, you and your nation, it is because you have deserved to
+suffer for having dared to set yourself against Germany, whom our good old
+German god has appointed to lead the way in righteousness to the goal
+marked out for her.
+
+_The Belgian._ Sir, when you speak like that you are no doubt a marvel in
+your own eyes, but to others you are a laughing-stock, a mere scare-crow
+dressed up to resemble a man, a thing of shreds and patches to whom for a
+time the inscrutable decrees of Providence have permitted a dreadful power.
+But we are resolute to endure to the end, and your blandishments will avail
+as little as your threats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY WATCH.
+
+  The Sage who above a Greek signature nightly
+    Emits a succession of eloquent screeds,
+  Instructing us firmly but also politely
+    How best to supply our material needs,
+  Has specially urged us of late, in a shining
+    Example of zeal for his frivolous flock,
+  With the object of "speed" and "precision" combining
+        To "work with our eye on the clock."
+
+  The precept is sound, and its due application
+    Is fraught with undoubted advantage to some,
+  But I'm free to remark that my own situation
+    Represents a recalcitrant re-sidu-um;
+  Clocks I cannot abide with their truculent ticking--
+    A nuisance I always have striven to scotch--
+  And I gain very little assistance in sticking
+        To work, if I'm watching my watch.
+
+  For my watch, which I treasure with ardent affection--
+    'Twas given to me in my juvenile prime--
+  Exhibits a truly uncanny objection
+    To keeping an accurate count of the time;
+  In the matter of speed it's a regular sprinter;
+    Repairs are a farce; it invariably gains;
+  And in Spring and in Autumn, in Summer and Winter
+        Precision it never attains.
+
+  Mathematics to me are a terrible trial,
+    They plague me in age as they floored me in youth,
+  Or I might, when observing the hour on my dial,
+    Allow for the error and guess at the truth.
+  Then why do I keep it? Because it's a mascot,
+    And none of its vices can alter the fact
+  That the very first day that I wore it, at Ascot,
+        Three winners I happily backed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The annual meeting of the Court of Governors of the University of
+    Birmingham was held yesterday at the University, Edmund Street. The
+    Pro-Vice-Chancellor said the University had done its share in the
+    present awful state of Europe."--_Birmingham Daily Post_.
+
+We are sorry to hear this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Government have apparently taken infinite pains to so 'cut their
+    coast according to their cloth' as to provide for the least possible
+    inconvenience and suffering to the people of these islands."--_Cork
+    Constitution._
+
+Thanks to this wise provision there is still just enough coast to go round.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a schoolmasters' conference:--
+
+    "That we should spread our education wider, and not allow a boy to
+    spend too much time on specialising is a good idea, but it is rather
+    difficult to carry out in practice. It means switching the boy's mind
+    from one subject to another. The whole day is spent in this
+    way--switching from one subject to another, and therefore it is very
+    difficult."--_United Empire_.
+
+And it sounds painful too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jock._ "AND ME GIVIN' YON MAN AT THE STATION TWA BAWBEES
+TAE MIND MA GREATCOAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+It is strange to find the inexhaustible Mr. W.E. NORRIS turning towards the
+supernatural. Yet there is at least more than a flavouring of this in the
+composition of _Brown Amber_ (HUTCHINSON), which partly concerns a
+remarkable bead, having the property of bringing good or evil luck to its
+various owners. As (after the manner of such things in stories) the charm
+was for ever being lost, and as the kind of fortune it conferred went in
+alternations, possession of it was rather in the nature of a gamble. All I
+have to observe about it is that such hazards consort somewhat better with
+the world of HANS ANDERSEN or the _Arabian Nights_ than with those quiet
+and well-bred inhabitants of South-Western London whom one has learnt to
+associate with the name of NORRIS. Thus, in considering the nice problem of
+whether _Clement Drake_ (as typical a Norrisian as ever buttoned spats)
+would or would not escape the entanglements of _Mrs. D'Esterre_, it simply
+irritated me to suppose that the event might be determined by the
+machinations of djins. In a word, East is East and S.W. is S.W., and never
+the twain shall, or should, be mixed up in a novel that pretends to
+anything more serious than burlesque. I am not sure also that, for
+different reasons, I did not regret the introduction of the War; though as
+a grand climax it has, I admit, a lure that must be almost irresistible to
+the novelist. For the rest, if you do not share my objection to the (dare I
+say it?) amberdexterity of the plot, you will find Mr. NORRIS as pleasant
+as ever in his scenes of drawing-room comedy.
+
+A volume of remarkable interest is _In Ruhleben _(HURST AND BLACKETT), into
+which Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN has gathered a variety of information concerning
+the life of the English civilian prisoners in Germany, its many hardships
+and few ameliorations. The greater part of the book is filled with a series
+of letters sent by one of these prisoners to his mother. Perhaps (one
+suspects) the writer of these was not altogether an ordinary young man.
+From whatever reason, the fact remains that his letters are by no means
+uncheery reading; his books and study, most of all his friendships (with
+one fellow-captive especially), seem to have kept him contented and even
+happy. Of course some part of this may well have been coloured for the
+maternal eye; it is clear that he was greatly concerned that she should not
+be too anxious about him. A more impartial picture of the conditions at
+Ruhleben is given in the second part of the volume, and in a letter by Sir
+TIMOTHY EDEN, reprinted from _The Times_, on The Case for a wholesale
+Exchange of Civilian Prisoners. I should add that the book is illustrated
+with a number of drawings of Ruhleben made by Mr. STANLEY GRIMM, an artist
+of the Expressionist School (whatever that may mean). These are vigorous
+and arresting, if, to the unmodern eye, somewhat formless. But they are
+part of a record that all Englishmen can study with quickened sympathy and
+a great pride in the courage and resource of our race under conditions
+needlessly brutal at their worst, and never better than just endurable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing will ever persuade me that _This Way Out_ (METHUEN) is an
+attractive title for a novel, however effective it may be as a notice in a
+railway station. The book itself, however, is intriguing in spite of its
+gloominess. The grandfather of _Jane_ and _John-Andrew Vaguener_ committed
+a most cold-blooded murder--this in a prologue. Then, when we get to the
+real story, we find _Jane_ tapping out popular fiction at an amazing pace,
+and her brother, _John-Andrew_, living on the proceeds thereof. _Jane_ is
+noisy, vulgar, and successful in her own line, and gets on _John-Andrew's_
+nerves; and when he discovers that she has for once turned aside from
+tawdry fiction and written a play that is really good he decides that he
+can stand it and her no longer. While she was pouring out literary garbage
+he could just manage to endure his position, but the thought that she would
+be hailed as a genius while he remained an utter failure was the final
+stroke that turned him from a mendicant into a madman. I am not going to
+tell you exactly what happened, but _Jane_ found a "way out," and with her
+departure from this life my interest in the book evaporated. Mrs. HENRY
+DUDENEY has notable gifts as a descriptive writer, and my only complaint
+against her is that vulgar _Jane_ was not allowed to live, for in the Army
+or out of it she was worth a whole platoon of _John-Andrews_. The
+_Vagueners_, I may add, were not a little mad, but then they were Cornish,
+and novelists persist in treating Cornwall as if it were a delirious duchy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I don't think I can honourably recommend Mr. HUGH ELLIOT'S volume on
+_Herbert Spencer_ (CONSTABLE) as light reading, though the ungodly may wax
+merry over the philosopher's first swear-word, at the age of thirty-six, in
+the matter of a tangled fishing-line, and may be kindled at the later
+picture of a middle-aged sportsman shinning, effectively too, after a
+Neapolitan who had pinched his opera-glasses. Fine human traits these in a
+character which will strike the normal man as bewilderingly unlike the
+general run of the species. The serious-flippant reader, tackling Mr.
+ELLIOT'S elaborate and acute analyses, may get an impression of an
+obstinate old apriorist, a sort of White Knight of Philosophyland, with all
+manner of reasoned-out "inventions" at his saddle-bow (labelled
+"Homogeneity-Heterogeneity," "Unknowable," "Ghost Theory,"
+"Presentative-Representative"), which don't seem, somehow, as helpful as
+their inventor assumes. And 'tis certain he took tosses into many of the
+pits of his dangerous deductive method. I don't present this as Mr.
+ELLIOT'S view. He is respectful-critical, and makes perhaps the best case
+for his old master's claim to greatness out of the assumption that SPENCER
+himself, stark enemy to authority and dogmatism, would have preferred his
+biographer's critical examination to any mere "master's-voice" reproduction
+of Spencerian doctrine. I wonder if he would!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss F.E. MILLS YOUNG'S newest story has at least this much merit about it,
+that no one who has seen the title can complain thereafter of having been
+taken unawares by the course of the narrative. That is perhaps as well,
+for, having discovered in the opening chapters a sufficiently charming
+_Pamela_ living in perpetual honeymoon with a partner rich, good-looking
+and with no particular occupation to interfere with unlimited motor trips
+and dinner parties, we might have imagined the tale was going to remain a
+jolly meaningless thing like that all through, and so have been as much
+shocked as the heroine herself on reading the fatal letter. But, since we
+knew the book to be called straight out _The Bigamist_ (LANE), we could
+have no possible difficulty in foreseeing the emergence of that other wife
+from the buried past ready to pounce down on poor little _Pam_ at her
+happiest. And of course she duly appeared. Not that such happiness could in
+any case have lasted long, for the man was, flatly, a cur, not deserving
+the notice of any of the rather foolish women he managed to attract--there
+were three of them--and not particularly worth your attention either for
+that matter. Having said so much I can gladly leave the rest to your
+perusal, or, better perhaps, your imagination, only hinting that the
+conclusion has something of dignity that does a little to redeem the
+volume. But when all is said this is not Miss YOUNG at her best, the
+characters without exception being unusually stilted, the plot unpleasant,
+and the South African atmosphere, for which I have gladly praised her
+before now, so negligible that but for an occasional name and a page or two
+of railway journey the yarn might as well have been placed in a suburb of
+London or Manchester as in the land of delectable sunshine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN S. MARGERISON, in _The Sure Shield_ (DUCKWORTH) sees to it that
+our national pride in our Fleet is thoroughly encouraged. Whether he is
+describing a race against the Germans in times of peace, or a fight against
+odds with them in these days of war, we always come out top dog. Very good.
+But, at the same time, I am bound to add that some of his stories compelled
+me to make considerable drafts on my reserves of credulity before I could
+swallow them. So improbable are the incidents in one or two of them that I
+am inclined to believe that they must be founded on fact. However that may
+be, their author is an expert in his subject, and writes with a vigour that
+is very bracing and infectious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tactful Customer (forestalling a rebuff at a coal order
+office)._ "OF COURSE, MISS, I DON'T EXPECT THAT YOU REALLY _SELL_ COALS,
+BUT I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD HAVE NO OBJECTION TO MAKING THEM A SUBJECT FOR
+CONVERSATION?" ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Music in Mesopotamia.
+
+Among the songs which have recently exhausted their popularity in the
+music-halls of Baghdad is:--
+
+  "Come into the Garden of Eden, MAUDE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The White Star Company, the Dominion Shipping Company, and other
+    Atlantic lines are now arranging to employ a certain number of Sea
+    Scouts on their boats. The shipping companies will certainly be
+    ducky."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+Or perhaps they may even happen upon a DRAKE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, March 7, 1917., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
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+
+    <title>Punch, March 7th, 1917.</title>
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+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
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+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
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+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
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+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+March 7, 1917., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 7, 1917.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14966]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>March 7th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149"
+       id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>"A motor car repairer," says Mr. Justice BRAY, "is like a
+    plumber. Once you get him into the house you cannot get him
+    out."... Unless, of course, you show him a burst bath pipe,
+    when he will immediately go out to fetch his mate.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>According to Herr WILDRUBE, a member of the Reichstag,
+    Germans should "rejoice at the departure of Mr. GERARD and his
+    pro-Entente espionage bureau." They have some rubes in the
+    U.S.A., but nothing quite so wild as this.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An historical film, called "The Discovery of Germany," is
+    being exhibited widely through the Fatherland under the
+    auspices of the Government. A further discovery of
+    Germany&mdash;that she has been fatally misled by her
+    rulers&mdash;has not at present received the approval of the
+    Imperial House.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German Army authorities have issued an urgent warning to
+    the public not to discuss military matters. Their own
+    communiqu&eacute;s are to be taken as a model of the right kind
+    of reticence.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An American film syndicate have overcome their difficulty in
+    finding a man to take the place of CHARLIE CHAPLIN. They have
+    decided to do without.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In Vienna, so as not to infuriate the indigent poor, tables
+    are no longer placed near the window of the dearer restaurants.
+    Similar establishments in Germany for the same reason were long
+    ago made sound-proof.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We note that German and Turkish diplomats have been engaged
+    in conference for the purpose of drawing the two countries
+    closer together. Any little pressure from outside (as on the
+    Tigris and the Ancre) is doubtless welcome as contributing to
+    this end.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The right way to dissipate the submarine nightmare" is how
+    a contemporary describes the new restrictions on imports. The
+    embargo on tinned lobster should certainly have that
+    effect.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A museum is to be established at Stuttgart "to interest the
+    masses of the people in overseas Germans and their conditions
+    of life." Several Foreign Governments, it is understood, have
+    expressed their willingness to supply specimens in any
+    reasonable quantity.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lively satisfaction is being expressed among members of the
+    younger set at the appointment of Mr. ALFRED BIGLAND, M.P., as
+    Controller of Soap. They are now discussing a resolution
+    calling for the abolition of nurse-maids, who are notorious for
+    using soap to excess.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Bill has been introduced into the House of Lords with the
+    object of admitting women to practise as solicitors. The
+    raising of the statutory fee for a consultation to 6<i>s.</i>
+    8&frac34;<i>d.</i> is also under consideration.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At Old Street Police Court a man charged with bigamy pleaded
+    that when a child he had a fall which affected his head. It is
+    not known why other bigamists do it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At Haweswater, Westmoreland, some sheep were recently dug
+    out alive after being buried in a snow-drift forty days. It is
+    thought that a morbid fear of being sold as New Zealand mutton
+    caused the animals to make a supreme struggle for life.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A lady correspondent of <i>The Daily Telegraph</i> suggests
+    that tradesmen should economise paper by ceasing to send out a
+    separate expression of thanks with every receipted bill. A
+    further economy is suggested by a hardened creditor, who
+    advocates the abolition of the absurd custom of sending out a
+    quarterly statement of "account rendered."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Beer bottles are now said to be worth more than the beer
+    they contain, and apprehension is being felt lest the practice
+    shall develop of giving away the contents to those who consent
+    to return the empty bottles.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Difficulty having been found in replacing firemen called up
+    for military service, the Hendon Council, it is rumoured, are
+    requesting the residents not to have any conflagrations for the
+    present at least.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. JOHN INNS, of Stevenage, has just purchased the whole
+    parish of Caldecote, Herts; but the report that he had to do
+    this in order to obtain a pound of sugar proves incorrect.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>NOTICE.</h3>
+
+    <p>In order to meet the national need for economy in the
+    consumption of paper, the Proprietors of <i>Punch</i> are
+    compelled to reduce the number of its pages, but propose that
+    the amount of matter published in <i>Punch</i> shall by
+    condensation and compression be maintained and even, it is
+    hoped, increased.</p>
+
+    <p>It is further necessary that means should be taken to
+    restrict the circulation of <i>Punch</i>, and on and after
+    March 14th its price will be Sixpence. The Proprietors believe
+    that the public will prefer an increase of price to a reduction
+    of matter.</p>
+
+    <p>Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for
+    the regular delivery of copies, as <i>Punch</i> may otherwise
+    be unobtainable, the shortage of paper making imperative the
+    withdrawal from Newsagents of the "on-sale-or-return"
+    privilege.</p>
+
+    <p>In consequence of the increase in the price of <i>Punch</i>
+    the period covered by subscriptions already paid direct to the
+    <i>Punch</i> Office will have to be proportionately
+    shortened.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>APOLOGY OF A WARRIOR MINSTREL.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lucasta, don't be cruel</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If my bewildered lyre</p>
+
+            <p>Amidst such stores of fuel</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seems reft of sacred fire.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For if you know what France is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You know how it is hard</p>
+
+            <p>To blend, as in romances,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The warrior with the bard.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The troubadours of story</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Knew no such woes as we,</p>
+
+            <p>Whose hopes of martial glory</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are built on F.A.T.<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With songs and swords and horses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They learned their careless
+            r&ocirc;le,</p>
+
+            <p>While we are sent on courses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That starve the poet's soul.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With gay anticipations</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They feasted ere a fight,</p>
+
+            <p>But we in calculations</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wear out the chilly night.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And if some hour of leisure</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Permits a lyric mood</p>
+
+            <p>My wretched Muse takes pleasure</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In nothing else but food.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus when I am returning</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ice-cold from some O.P.,</p>
+
+            <p>And in the East is burning</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Aurora's heraldry,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That spark she fails to waken</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With which of yore I glowed,</p>
+
+            <p>Who, fain of eggs and bacon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tramp ravening down the road,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Aware, with self-despising,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which interests me most&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The silvery mists a-rising</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or marmalade and toast.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Such are the War-bard's passions&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Rank seedlings of a time</p>
+
+            <p>That chokes with maths and rations</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The bursting buds of rhyme.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a> <b>Footnote 1</b>: Field
+                    Artillery Training.
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150"
+       id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span>
+
+    <h3>A ROMANCE OF RATIONS.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Not like to like, but like in difference."</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">"<i>The Princess.</i>"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I have always misjudged Victorine&mdash;I admit it now with
+    shame. While other girls have become engaged&mdash;and
+    disengaged quite soon after&mdash;she has remained unattached
+    and solitary. As I watched the disappointed suitors turn sadly
+    away I put it down to pride and self-sufficiency, but I was
+    wrong. I see now that she always had the situation well in
+    hand.</p>
+
+    <p>As for Algernon, he is the sort of man who writes sonnets to
+    lilies and butterflies and the rosy-fingered dawn&mdash;this
+    last from hearsay as he really knows nothing about it. He is
+    prematurely bald and suffers from the grossest form of
+    astigmatism, and I thought that no woman would ever love him. I
+    never dreamt that Victorine had even noticed he was there.</p>
+
+    <p>One day I heard that they were engaged. It was too hard for
+    me to understand.</p>
+
+    <p>On the third morning I went to see her.</p>
+
+    <p>"Victorine," I said, "you have never loved before?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Never," she assented softly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Now, this man you have chosen&mdash;you do not care
+    overmuch for lilies and butterflies and rosy-fingered
+    dawns?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not overmuch," she admitted sadly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then what is it brings you together? What strange link of
+    the spirit has been forged between you? To speak quite plainly,
+    what do you see in him?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yesterday we lunched together, and two days before that he
+    got here in time for breakfast."</p>
+
+    <p>"And the engagement still holds?" I am no optimist.</p>
+
+    <p>"Before that we dined. Yes, I do not exaggerate. It was my
+    suggestion. One sees so much unhappiness now-a-days, and I
+    wished to be quite sure we were suited to one another."</p>
+
+    <p>"And you are convinced of the sincerity of the
+    attachment?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, I feel for him as Mother does for the knife-and-boot
+    boy, and Uncle Stephen for the charlady. We cannot be
+    separated. It would be monstrous."</p>
+
+    <p>I ceased to be articulate. Victorine suddenly became
+    radiant.</p>
+
+    <p>"We must always be together&mdash;at any rate for the
+    duration of the War, you see. I eat under my meat and he is
+    over. In flour and sugar&mdash;oh, how can I confess
+    it?&mdash;I <i>exceed</i>. He is far, far below his ration.
+    Apart we are failures; together we are perfect. We both saw it
+    at once."</p>
+
+    <p>I realised suddenly the inevitability of this mutual
+    bond.</p>
+
+    <p>"So marriage is the only thing?" I asked; but I was already
+    conquered.</p>
+
+    <p>She assented with a regal air.</p>
+
+    <p>As I went away I saw a new and strange beauty in the problem
+    of Food Shortage.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">The Farmer's Boy (New Style).</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Hun was set on making us fret</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For lack of food to eat,</p>
+
+            <p>When up there ran a City man</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In gaiters trim and neat&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, just tell me if a farm there be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where I can get employ,</p>
+
+            <p>To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And he a farmer's boy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And be a farmer's boy.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"In khaki dight my juniors fight&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wish that I could too;</p>
+
+            <p>But since the land's in need of hands</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There's work for me to do;</p>
+
+            <p>Though you call me a 'swell,' I would labour
+            well&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'm aware it's not pure joy&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And be a farmer's boy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And be a farmer's boy."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The farmer quoth, "I be mortal loth,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But the farm 'tis goin' back,</p>
+
+            <p>And I do declare as I can't a-bear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Any farming hands to lack;</p>
+
+            <p>So if you've got grit and be middlin' fit</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An'll larn to cry, 'Ut hoy!'</p>
+
+            <p>And to plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You shall be a farmer's boy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You shall be a farmer's boy."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bold farmers all, obey the call</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of townsfolk game and gay!</p>
+
+            <p>And you City men put by the pen</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And hear me what I say:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Get straight enrolled with a farmer bold,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the Hun you'll straight annoy,</p>
+
+            <p>If you plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And be a farmer's boy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And be a farmer's boy.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Sex-Problem Again.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "FOR SALE.&mdash;A 3-year-old Holstein gentleman
+        cow."&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A Liverpool master carter told the Tribunal that the last
+        'substitute' sent him for one of his men backed a horse
+        down a tip and landed him in an expense of
+        &pound;50."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Evening Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Many men have lost more by backing a horse <i>on</i> a
+    tip.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>A Bare Outlook.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "THINGS YOU HAVE GOT TO DO WITHOUT.<br />
+        CLOTHES AND FOOD."&mdash;<i>Daily Sketch</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This seems to bring the War even closer than the PREMIER
+    intended.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>MORE OR LESS.</h3>
+
+    <p>The fleet of Dutch merchantmen which has been sunk by a
+    waiting submarine sailed, it now appears, under a German
+    guarantee of "relative security": and the incident has been
+    received in Holland with a widespread outburst of relative
+    acquiescence. Germany, in the little ingenious arrangements
+    that she is so fond of making for the safety and comfort of her
+    neighbours, is so often misunderstood. It should be obvious by
+    this time that her attitude to International Law has always
+    been one of approximate reverence. The shells with which she
+    bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent shells, and the
+    <i>Lusitania</i> was sunk by a relative torpedo.</p>
+
+    <p>Neutrals all over the world who are smarting just now under
+    a fresh manifestation of Germany's respective goodwill should
+    try to realise before they take any action what is the precise
+    situation of our chief enemy. He has (relatively) won the War;
+    he has (virtually) broken the resistance of the Allies; he has
+    (conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in particular,
+    he is (morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight
+    appear to be pretty heavily involved, but that will soon be
+    adjusted by (hypothetical) indemnities; he has enormous
+    (proportional) reserves of men; he has (theoretically)
+    blockaded Great Britain, and his final victory is
+    (controvertibly) at hand.</p>
+
+    <p>But his most impressive argument, which cannot fail to come
+    home to hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latest
+    exhibition of offensive power, namely, in his (putative)
+    advance upon the Ancre.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Realism.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a cinema announcement:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The management regret that 'The Lost Bridegroom' missed
+        the boat on Sunday."&mdash;<i>Guernsey Evening Express</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>A Family Affair.</h4>
+
+    <p>From an account of a "gift sale":</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Alderman &mdash;&mdash; advised the Committee to sell the
+        donkey in the evening, when there would be a lot
+        present."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>More Impending Apologies.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center">I.</p>
+
+    <p>"Mr. &mdash;&mdash; writes from New
+    Cross:&mdash;'Sir,&mdash;I was pleased to see that you do not
+    intend increasing the price of 'The Daily News,' and hope that
+    you will not have to reconsider your decision. If necessary I,
+    for one, would be quite content with four pages
+    only."&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">II.</p>
+
+    <p>"The nurses who have a seven minutes' walk to their home
+    quarters, have never had a rude word said to them, 'even,' she
+    added, 'when they have had too much to drink.'"&mdash;<i>Daily
+    Province (Vancouver, B.C.)</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151"
+       id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/151.png"
+             alt="The Freedom of the Sea" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"THE FREEDOM OF THE SEA."</h3>
+
+        <div class="i16">
+            <p>HOLLAND. "YOU'VE TAKEN A GREAT LIBERTY WITH ME."</p>
+
+            <p>GERMANY. "OF COURSE I HAVE. I'M THE APOSTLE OF
+            LIBERTY."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page152"
+       id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/152.png"
+             alt="The Theatre of War." /></a> THE THEATRE OF WAR.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE SOLACE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. William Wood, grocer, of Acton, was very tired. And no
+    wonder, for not only had he lost his two assistants, both
+    having been called up, but the girls who had taken their places
+    were frivolous and slow. Moreover his errand boy had that day
+    given notice. And, furthermore, the submarine campaign was
+    making it every day more difficult to keep up the stock, and
+    the rise in prices meant anything but the commensurate increase
+    of profit of which he was accused by indignant customers.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. Wood, therefore, was not sorry when, the shutters up, he
+    could retire to his sitting-room upstairs and rest. His one
+    hobby being reading, and his favourite form of literature being
+    Lives and Letters, he had normally no difficulty in dismissing
+    the shop from his mind. He would open the latest memoir from
+    the library and lose himself in whatever society it
+    reconstructed, political for choice. But to-night the solace
+    could not so easily be found. For one thing, he had no new
+    books; for another, the cares of business were too recent and
+    too real.</p>
+
+    <p>He sank into his armchair, covered his eyes with his hand,
+    and pondered.</p>
+
+    <p>Then suddenly he had an idea. If there were no letters of
+    the Great to read, he would himself write to the Great and thus
+    escape grocerdom and worry. If he were not a person of
+    importance, he would at least pretend to be, and thus be
+    comforted.</p>
+
+    <p>Seating himself at the table and taking up his pen, he
+    composed with infinite care the following chapter from a
+    biography of himself:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>The year 1916 was a comparatively uneventful one in the life
+    of our hero. The principal events were the marriage of his
+    youngest daughter with the son of the Bishop of Brighton and
+    the rebuilding of The Towers after the fire. Perhaps the most
+    important of his new friends were the Archbishop of CANTERBURY
+    and Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, but unfortunately Sir HEDWORTH has not
+    kept any of the letters. Nor is there much correspondence; but
+    a few letters may be printed here, all testifying to the
+    multifarious interests of this remarkable man, who not only
+    knew everyone worth knowing, but projected himself into their
+    careers with so much sympathy and keenness. The first is to the
+    then Prime Minister:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>To the Right Hon. H.H. ASQUITH,
+    M.P.</i></p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR ASQUITH,&mdash;This is only a line to remind you
+    that you lunch with me at the Primrose Club on Monday at one
+    o'clock. I have asked two or three friends to meet you, all
+    good fellows. With regard to that matter on which you were
+    asking my advice, I think that the wisest course at present is
+    (to use the phrase, now a little stale, which I invented for
+    you) to wait and see. Let me say that I thought your speech at
+    the Guildhall a fine effort. Kindly remember me to the wife and
+    Miss ELIZABETH, and believe me,</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yours sincerely,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">WILLIAM WOOD.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>P.S.&mdash;I wish you would call me William. I always think
+    of you as Herbert.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>To the Earl of ROSEBERY.</i></p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR ROSEBERY,&mdash;It is a great grief to me to have to
+    decline your kind invite to Dalmeny, but there is an obstacle I
+    cannot overcome. My youngest daughter is to be married next
+    week to the son of the Bishop of Brighton, a most well-bred
+    young fellow with perfect manners. Nothing but the necessity of
+    my presence at the feast of Hymen could deprive me of the
+    pleasure of seeing your country place. Do not stay away too
+    long, I beg. The town is dull without you.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I am, dear ROSEBERY,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Yours most affectionately,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">WILLIAM WOOD.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>To Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING.</i></p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR KIPLING,&mdash;Just a line to say how much I admire
+    your poem in this morning's <i>Times</i>. You have never voiced
+    the feeling of the moment with more force or keener insight.
+    But you will, I am sure, pardon me when I say that in the
+    fifty-eighth stanza there is a regrettable flaw, which could
+    however quickly be put right. To me, that fine appeal to Monaco
+    to give up its neutrality is impaired by the use of the word
+    "cope," which I have always understood should be avoided by
+    good writers. "Deal" has the same meaning and is a truer word.
+    You will, I am sure, agree with me in this criticism when you
+    have leisure to think it over.</p>
+
+    <p>Believe me, my dear KIPLING,</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yours sincerely,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">WILLIAM WOOD.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>To His Grace the Archbishop of
+    CANTERBURY.</i></p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR ARCHBISHOP,&mdash;That was a very delightful dinner
+    you gave me last night, and I was glad to have the opportunity
+    of meeting Lord MORLEY and discussing with him the character of
+    MARLBOROUGH. While not agreeing with everything that Lord
+    MORLEY said, I am bound to admit that his views impressed me.
+    Some day soon you must bring her Ladyship down to The Towers
+    for a dine and sleep.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I am, my dear Archbishop,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Yours cordially,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">WILLIAM WOOD.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>To Lord NORTHCLIFFE.</i></p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR ALFRED,&mdash;You cannot, I am sure, do better than
+    continue in the course you have chosen. What England needs is a
+    vigilant observer from without; and who, as I have so often
+    told you, is better fitted for such a part than you? You have
+    all the qualities&mdash;high mobility, the courage
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page153"
+       id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> to abandon convictions, and
+       extreme youth. If you lack anything it is perhaps ballast,
+       and here I might help you. Ring me up at any time, day or
+       night, and I will come to you, just as I used to do years
+       ago when you were beginning.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Think of me always as</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Yours very sincerely,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">WILLIAM WOOD.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>To Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO.</i></p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR PINERO,&mdash;I am glad you liked my suggestion and
+    are already at work upon it. No one could handle it so well as
+    you. I write now because it has occurred to me that the proper
+    place for Lord Scudamore to disown his guilty wife and for her
+    impassioned reply is not, as we had it, the spare room, but the
+    parlour.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I am, dear old fellow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Always yours to command,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">WILLIAM WOOD</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Having written thus far, Mr. William Wood went to bed,
+    perfectly at peace with himself and the world.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/153.png"
+             alt="Friend to Professor, whose lecture, How to Stop the War, has just concluded." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Friend (to Professor, whose lecture, "How to Stop the
+        War," has just concluded)</i>. "CONGRATULATE YOU, OLD
+        MAN&mdash;WENT SPLENDIDLY, AT ONE TIME DURING THE AFTERNOON
+        I WAS RATHER ANXIOUS FOR YOU."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Professor.</i> "THANKS. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU
+        SHOULD HAVE BEEN SO CONCERNED ON MY BEHALF."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Friend.</i> "WELL, A RUMOUR <i>DID</i> GO ROUND THE
+        ROOM THAT THE WAR WOULD BE OVER BEFORE YOUR LECTURE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE GREAT BETRAYAL.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Twas night, and near the Boreal cliff</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The monarch in seclusion lay,</p>
+
+            <p>A wondrous human hieroglyph,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Worshipped from Chile to Cathay;</p>
+
+            <p>When lo! a cry, "Sire, up and fly!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The pirate ships are in the bay!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Begone, ye cravens," straight replied</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The monarch with his eyes ablaze;</p>
+
+            <p>"No pirate on the ocean wide</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can fright me, for I know their ways.</p>
+
+            <p>Shall I do less in times of stress</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than soldiers who have earned My
+            praise?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Yet stay," he paused awhile, and then&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Let messengers the country scour</p>
+
+            <p>On pain of death forbidding men</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To speak, in hut or hall or tower,</p>
+
+            <p>Of what I said this night of dread,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or where I spent its darkest hour."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Swift flew the minions to obey;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The wearied monarch slumbered late;</p>
+
+            <p>Yet, in the Capital next day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Writ large upon his palace gate,</p>
+
+            <p>A mighty scroll to every soul</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blazoned the words that challenged
+            Fate.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The monarch's rage surpassed all bounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When of this treachery he read;</p>
+
+            <p>A price of several million pounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was placed upon the miscreant's head;</p>
+
+            <p>But sceptics jibe&mdash;an odious tribe&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And swear that he will die in bed.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A New Way to Pay Old Debts.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Inventor of British and American Patents is desirous
+        to Sell or License to Manufacturers, &amp;c., &amp;c....
+        The above Inventor and Patentee will be greatly obliged if
+        anyone that he owes money to will forward the amount not
+        later than this month, otherwise he will not acknowledge
+        after."&mdash;<i>Financial Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "LITTLE WAR PICTURES.<br />
+         A NOBLE ARMY OF OPTIMISTS IN TRANCE."&mdash;<i>Straits
+        Times (Singapore).</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We wish our pessimists would join them.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page154"
+       id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">LVII.</p>
+
+    <p>My Dear Charles,&mdash;St. John, in 1914 a light-hearted
+    lieut., advancing and retiring with his platoon as an
+    all-seeing Providence or a short-spoken Company Commander might
+    direct, and in 1915 a Brass-hat with a vast amount of knowledge
+    and only a hundred buff slips or so to write it down on, is now
+    Second in Command of his regiment. He tells me he is encamped
+    with his little lot on the forward slope of a muddy and much
+    pitted ravine. On the opposite slope are some nasty noisy guns,
+    and at the bottom of the ravine are the cookers.</p>
+
+    <p>When, after much forethought, he has found something to do
+    and has begun doing it, there is a cry of "Stand clear!" and,
+    with that prudence which even an Englishman will learn if you
+    do not hustle him but give him a year or two to find by
+    experience that care should sometimes be taken, all get to
+    earth. The guns fire; the neighbourhood heaves and readjusts
+    itself, and a man may then come out again. By the time,
+    however, he has collected his senses and his materials there is
+    another "Stand clear!" and back he must go to earth. This is
+    what is technically known as Rest.</p>
+
+    <p>It was not good enough for one of the battalion cooks. No
+    man can do justice to a mess of pottage by lying on his belly
+    at a distance and frowning at it. After many movements to and
+    fro, he eventually said be damned to guns and "Stand clears;"
+    stood on the top of his cooker (there was nowhere else to
+    stand), and, holding a dixie lid in his hand and bestowing on
+    the contents of the dixie that encouraging smile without which
+    no stew can stew, defied all the artillery of the B.E.F. to do
+    its worst. It did.</p>
+
+    <p>The cook recovered to find himself among his dixies,
+    frizzling pleasantly and browning nicely in certain parts. Even
+    so, professional interests over-came any feeling of personal
+    injury. Rising majestically, he stepped down and advanced upon
+    the nearest gun crew. "Now you've done it, you blighters!" he
+    shouted, waving an angry fist at them. "You've been and gone
+    and blown all the pork out of the beans."</p>
+
+    <p>The same man went on holiday to the neighbouring town, which
+    is in reality an ordinarily dull and dirty provincial place,
+    but to the tired warrior is a haven of rest and a paradise of
+    gaiety and good things. Here he came into contact with the
+    local A.P.M. in the following way. The latter was in his office
+    after lunch, brooding no doubt, when in came a French policeman
+    greatly excited in French. There was, it appeared, promise of a
+    commotion at the Hotel de Ville. A British soldier had got
+    mixed up in the queue of honest French civilians who were
+    waiting outside for the delivery of their legal papers. There
+    were no bi-linguists present, but it had been made quite clear
+    to the Britisher that he must go, and it had been made quite
+    clear by the Britisher that he should stay. Always outside the
+    Hotel de Ville at 2.30 of an afternoon was this queue of
+    natives, each waiting his turn to be admitted to the joyless
+    sanctum of the Commissaire, there to receive those illegible
+    documents without which no French home is complete. Never
+    before had a British soldier fallen in with them, and, when
+    requested to dismiss, showed signs of being obstreperous.</p>
+
+    <p>The A.P.M. buckled on his Sam Browne belt and prepared for
+    the worst, which he assumed to be but another example of the
+    frailty of human nature when suddenly confronted with
+    unaccustomed luxuries. When he got to his prey he found him not
+    quite in the state expected. Usually at the sight of an A.P.M.
+    a soldier, whatever the strength of his case, will express
+    regret, promise reform, and make ready to pass on. This one
+    stood his ground; on no account would he leave the queue. He
+    explained to the A.P.M. that he was too used to the manifold
+    and subtle devices of people who wanted to snaffle other
+    people's places in queues. He was however quite prepared to
+    parley, and was only too glad to find a fellow-countryman,
+    speaking the right language and having the right sense of
+    justice, to parley with.</p>
+
+    <p>He said he had taken his proper place in the line, with no
+    attempt to hustle or jostle anyone else. He meant to do no one
+    any harm, and he was prepared to pay the due price, in current
+    French notes, whatever it might be. But having got his place by
+    right he refused to give it up to anyone else, be he French or
+    English, Field Officer or even gendarme. He had been
+    excessively restrained in resisting the unscrupulous attempts
+    of the gendarme to dislodge him. If he had made any threat of
+    knocking the gendarme down he had not really intended to take
+    that course. The threat was only a formal reply to the
+    gendarme's proposal to stick a sword through his middle.</p>
+
+    <p>He was, he said most emphatically, not drunk. If the A.P.M.,
+    in whom he had all confidence, would occupy his place in the
+    queue and keep it for him, he would demonstrate this by a
+    practical test. In any case he ventured to insist on his point.
+    Without claiming any special privileges for a man fighting and
+    cooking for his country, he claimed the right of any human
+    being, whatever his nationality, to witness any cinema show
+    which might be in progress.</p>
+
+    <p>The underlying good qualities of both nations were evidenced
+    in the sequel. When the A.P.M. had interpreted the matter the
+    gendarme insisted on an embrace, and the cook permitted it.
+    Later, I have reason to believe, they witnessed a most moving
+    cinema play together, but not in the Commissaire's office at
+    the Hotel de Ville.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yours ever,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">HENRY.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">I.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">CAUSE AND EFFECT.</p>
+
+    <p>It hadn't rained for forty days and forty nights.</p>
+
+    <p>"The reason it doesn't rain," said the guinea-fowl, "is that
+    the barometer is very high."</p>
+
+    <p>But no one listened to her.</p>
+
+    <p>"The reason is," said the duck with the black wings, "that
+    the pond is nearly empty. When the pond is empty it doesn't
+    rain."</p>
+
+    <p>"It's the hen-house," said the black hen. "Whenever the roof
+    drips there is rain."</p>
+
+    <p>"It is certainly the hen-house," said all the hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"It comes from the trees," said the turkey. "The leaves drip
+    and then there is rain, and the more they drip the heavier it
+    rains."</p>
+
+    <p>"It is my kennel," chuckled Bruno, the wise old dog. "The
+    more it leaks the more it rains."</p>
+
+    <p>At that very moment it began to rain in torrents.</p>
+
+    <p>"The pond is full," quacked the ducks. "Look at the
+    pond."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, do look at the hen-house roof&mdash;dripping!" shrieked
+    the hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"The leaves&mdash;look at the leaves," gurgled the
+    turkeys.</p>
+
+    <p>"And my kennel leaks. I can feel it on my back," chuckled
+    Bruno.</p>
+
+    <p>"The barometer has gone down," said the guinea-fowl.</p>
+
+    <p>But no one took any notice of her&mdash;quite properly.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Housing Problem.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Three chicken coops, also pigeon-house, for pole; suitable
+        for lady."&mdash;<i>The Lady</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Open-Air Cure.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The <i>Telegraaf</i> learns from its correspondent at the
+        frontier that on yesterday (Monday) afternoon a fresh air
+        attack was made on Zeebrugge."&mdash;<i>Morning Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>A pleasant change from stuffy shells.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155"
+       id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/155.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/155.png"
+             alt="The Eternal Feminine." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE ETERNAL FEMININE.</h3>
+
+        <div class="i32">
+            <p>"THAT SHADE. WOULDN'T 'ALF SUIT ME."</p>
+
+            <p>"LOR LUMMY, LIL! WOT TISTE&mdash;AN' YOU A
+            BLONDE!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE SONG OF THE MILL.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [Most of our water-mills have fallen into decay and disuse
+        owing to the unsuitability of their machinery to grind
+        imported grain. Will the revival of English grain
+        production bring about a renewal of their usefulness?]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As by the pool I wandered that lies so clear and
+            still</p>
+
+            <p>With tall old trees about it, hard by the silent
+            mill</p>
+
+            <p>Whose ancient oaken timbers no longer creak and
+            groan</p>
+
+            <p>With roar of wheel and water, and grind of stone on
+            stone,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The idle mill-race slumbered beneath the mouldering
+            wheel,</p>
+
+            <p>The pale March sunlight gilded no motes of floating
+            meal,</p>
+
+            <p>But the stream went singing onward, went singing by
+            the weir&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>And this, or something like it, was the song I
+            seemed to hear:&mdash;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"By Teviot, Tees and Avon, by Esk and Ure and
+            Tweed,</p>
+
+            <p>Here's many a trusty henchman would rally to your
+            need;</p>
+
+            <p>By Itchen, Test and Waveney, by Tamar, Trent and
+            Ouse,</p>
+
+            <p>Here's many a loyal servant will help you if you
+            choose.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Do they no longer need us who needed us of
+            yore?</p>
+
+            <p>We stood not still aforetime when England marched to
+            war;</p>
+
+            <p>Like those our wind-driven brothers, far seen o'er
+            weald and fen,</p>
+
+            <p>We ground the wheat and barley to feed stout
+            Englishmen.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"You call the men of England, their strength, their
+            toil, their gold,</p>
+
+            <p>But us you have not summoned, who served your sires
+            of old;</p>
+
+            <p>For service high or humble, for tribute great and
+            small,</p>
+
+            <p>You call them and they answer&mdash;but us you do
+            not call.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Yet we no hoarded fuel of mine or well require,</p>
+
+            <p>That drives your fleets to battle or lights the poor
+            man's fire;</p>
+
+            <p>We need no white-hot furnace for tending night and
+            day,</p>
+
+            <p>No power of harnessed lightnings to speed us on our
+            way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"By Tavy, Dart and Derwent, by Wharfe and Usk and
+            Nidd,</p>
+
+            <p>Here's many a trusty vassal is yours when you shall
+            bid,</p>
+
+            <p>With the strength of English rivers to push the
+            wheels along</p>
+
+            <p>And the roar of many a mill-race to join the victory
+            song."</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">C.F.S.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Berlin Municipality has issued the following order.
+        'Despite the present unfavourable conditions of production,
+        it has become possible that from Friday this week one shss
+        will be available for every citizen of
+        Berlin,'"&mdash;<i>Egyptian Gazette</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Judging by the mystery surrounding it we infer that "shss"
+    must be some kind of sausage.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page156"
+       id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/156.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/156.png"
+             alt="Food Restriction." /></a>
+
+        <h3>FOOD RESTRICTION.</h3>
+
+        <p class="center">SCENE: <i>Hotel.</i></p>
+
+        <div class="i32">
+            <p><i>Little Girl.</i> "OH, MUMMY! THEY'VE GIVEN ME A
+            DIRTY PLATE."</p>
+
+            <p><i>Mother.</i> "HUSH, DARLING. THAT'S THE SOUP."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2>
+
+    <p>"MINSTREL BOY."&mdash;You are confusing TENNYSON'S "Brook"
+    with the Tigris. Also it is the Turkish Army and not the river
+    (which flows the other way) that is speaking in the famous
+    lines&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I come from haunts of Kut (return);</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I make a sudden sally."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"ANXIOUS INQUIRER."&mdash;No, we are without reliable news
+    of FERDIE. But it is rumoured that he is preparing to conform
+    to the general movement of the Central Allied Powers, and is
+    therefore taking a little gentle running exercise in the
+    Vulpedrome at Vienna.</p>
+
+    <p>"V.T.C."&mdash;We rejoice with you that already&mdash;not
+    more than 2&frac12; years since the revival of the Volunteer
+    Force&mdash;the War Office has recognised the desirability of
+    giving the Volunteer a rifle to shoot with; and it now seems
+    almost certain that he will receive one, <i>free of charge</i>,
+    before the conclusion of peace. We welcome this wise and
+    generous decision, for though we have never pretended to be a
+    military authority we have always held the view that in a tight
+    corner a man with a rifle has an appreciable advantage over an
+    unarmed man.</p>
+
+    <p>"FORTUNE-TELLER."&mdash;Like you, we are greatly impressed
+    by the convincing arguments advanced by our military experts in
+    support of the view that the Germans are likely to put forth a
+    great effort this year at some point on one of their fronts;
+    and we share your belief that the time has come when the
+    Government should supply a long-felt want by establishing a
+    Department of Intelligent Anticipation. It is a happy
+    suggestion of yours to offer, for a reasonable consideration,
+    to place at the disposal of such a Department your
+    admirably-equipped premises in Bond Street.</p>
+
+    <p>"SCHNAPPS."&mdash;The correct version is:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"In the matter of U-Boats the fault of the Dutch</p>
+
+            <p>Is protesting too little and standing too much."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"CARILLON."&mdash;You ask how the Germans will manage for
+    their joy-peals now that the military authorities have
+    commandeered the church bells. It was very bright of you to
+    think of this. The answer is that, in view of pressing national
+    needs, they are going to give up having victories. After all,
+    this is an age of
+    sacrifice.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;EDITOR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Abandon housekeeping and live in comfort at the hotel
+        &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;.<br />
+         Not too large to give the best of service, and not too
+        small to be uncomfortable."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We feel it to be our patriotic duty to call the attention of
+    the FOOD CONTROLLER to the conduct of a well-known restaurant
+    which blatantly describes itself on a bill of fare as</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "THE GORGE AND VULTURE."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Women lamplighters will shortly be seen in the submarine
+        districts of London."&mdash;<i>Bradford Daily Argus</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But to prevent disappointment we ought to mention that this
+    phenomenon can only be witnessed by the <i>Argus</i>-eyed.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157"
+       id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157.png"
+             alt="Also Ran." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ALSO RAN.</h3>
+
+        <p>WILLIAM. "ARE YOUR LURING THEM ON, LIKE
+        ME?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;MEHMED.
+        "I'M AFRAID I AM!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158"
+       id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, February 26th.</i>&mdash;The new Member for
+    Roscommon has not yet appeared in the House, but he is
+    nevertheless doing his bit more effectively, perhaps, than some
+    of his compatriots. The SPEAKER'S ruling is "No seat, no
+    salary"; so Count PLUNKETT will have the satisfaction of
+    knowing that by his self-sacrificing absence he is paying the
+    expenses of the War for at least five seconds.</p>
+
+    <p>With suitable solemnity Sir EDWARD CARSON gave a brief
+    account of the exploits of the German destroyer squadrons. One
+    of them, comprising several vessels, had engaged a single
+    British destroyer for several minutes before cleverly executing
+    a strategic movement in the direction of the German coast;
+    while another had simultaneously bombarded the strongholds of
+    Broadstairs and Margate, completely demolishing two entire
+    houses. The damage would have been still more serious but for
+    the fortunate circumstance that the fortresses erected on the
+    foreshore last summer by an army of youthful workpeople had
+    been subsequently removed.</p>
+
+    <p>Any gloom engendered by the fore-going announcement was
+    quickly dissipated by Mr. BONAR LAW, who read a telegram from
+    General MAUDE, announcing the fall of Kut-el-Amara.</p>
+
+    <p>The rest of the afternoon was chiefly occupied by a further
+    combat over the merits of Lord FISHER. Although, as Dr.
+    MACNAMARA subsequently remarked, "this is not the time for
+    fighting battles along the Whitehall front," I am afraid the
+    House thoroughly enjoyed Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S discursive account
+    of his relations with the late FIRST SEA LORD, who really seems
+    to be quite a forgiving person. At least it is not everybody
+    who, after being greeted at a garden-party with "Come here, you
+    wicked old sinner," would afterwards invite his accuser to
+    lunch at the Ritz.</p>
+
+    <p>In the first statement of policy made by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE
+    after his appointment as Prime Minister he said that the
+    primary step towards a settlement of an age-long Irish trouble
+    would be the removal of the suspicion of Irishmen by Irishmen.
+    Mr. DILLON'S notion of contributing to that desirable end is to
+    accuse Sir BRYAN MAHON, who has had to deport certain
+    recidivist Sinn Feiners, of being the tool of a Dublin Castle
+    gang. Not, of course, that Mr. DILLON is in sympathy with Sinn
+    Feiners; on the contrary he dislikes them so much that he would
+    like to keep St. George's Channel between them and himself. But
+    by his own speeches he has hypnotized himself into the belief
+    that everything done by the British Government in Ireland must
+    have a corrupt motive. His colleague from West Belfast is not
+    much wiser, to judge by the tone of his speech to-night; and I
+    think Mr. DUKE, who is doing his best to reconcile the
+    irreconcilable, must have been tempted to adapt one of MR.
+    DILLON'S phrases and to say that Ireland was between the DEVLIN
+    and the deep sea.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, February 27.</i>&mdash;The capture of Kut has
+    had an exhilarating effect upon Lord CREWE. Not long ago he was
+    warning us against excessive jubilation over the British
+    advance in that region. Now he justified his title by coming
+    out as a regular <i>Chanticleer</i>, and invited Lord CURZON to
+    tell the assembled Peers that we might be confident of
+    regaining predominance in the whole of Mesopotamia.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/158a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158a.png"
+             alt="Lord Buckmaster's Dream of a brightened House of Lords." />
+        </a> LORD BUCKMASTER'S DREAM OF A BRIGHTENED HOUSE OF
+        LORDS.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>In these times the Lords can refuse nothing to the Ladies.
+    In moving the second reading of a Bill to enable women to
+    become solicitors Lord BUCKMASTER may have approached his
+    subject in the spirit of a cautious knight-errant, as Lord
+    SUMNER said, but he carried his argument. He owed something,
+    perhaps, to the unintentional assistance of his opponents. Lord
+    BUCKMASTER had incidentally mentioned that a woman once sat on
+    the Woolsack, and there administered such very odd law that the
+    City of London rose in mutiny. This shocked the historical
+    sense of Lord HALSBURY, who hastened to point out that the lady
+    in question had left the Woolsack for a reason entirely
+    creditable to her sex, namely to become the mother of one of
+    our greatest Kings. Then Lord FINLAY, who now occupies the seat
+    alleged to have been filled by ELEANOR of Provence, endeavoured
+    to frighten their Lordships by the thin end of the wedge
+    argument. If women were admitted solicitors they would next
+    want to practise at the Bar, and even become Judges. But the
+    Peers refused to be intimidated, and gave the Bill a second
+    reading.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT'S colossal intellect, like the
+    elephant's trunk, can grapple with the most minute objects.
+    Yesterday it was the shortage of sausage-skins; this afternoon
+    it was the grievance of Scottish bee-keepers, who are deprived
+    of sugar for their charges, and compelled to put up with
+    medicated candy at twice the price. In spite of the FOOD
+    CONTROLLER, I understand that MR. SCOTT has no intention of
+    parting with the very promising swarm that he carries in his
+    national headgear.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, February 28th.</i>&mdash;Mr. WATT was seized
+    with a bright idea <span class="pagenum"><a name="page159"
+       id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> this afternoon. The CHIEF
+       SECRETARY FOR IRELAND had explained to Mr. GINNELL, that
+       certain men had been convicted of having attempted to cause
+       disaffection by singing disloyal songs. "Will the right hon.
+       and learned gentleman give the House a sample?" interjected
+       Mr. WATT. The notion of Mr. DUKE, <i>vir pietate gravis</i>,
+       if ever there was one, indulging in ribald melody, caused
+       much laughter, which was increased when the right hon.
+       gentleman in his most portentous manner implied that his
+       only reason for not granting the request was fear that the
+       SPEAKER might intervene.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/158b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158b.png"
+             alt="Sir Frederick Banbury and Colonel Mark Lockwood consult the Water List." />
+        </a> SIR FREDERICK BANBURY AND COLONEL MARK LOCKWOOD
+        CONSULT THE WATER LIST.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>A brief recrudescence of the MEUX-CHURCHILL duel was not
+    much to the taste of the House, which is evidently of opinion
+    that LORD FISHER might now be left alone both by foes and by
+    friends. Members were glad to seek solace in the drink
+    question, and gave a sympathetic hearing to the proposal of Mr.
+    WING that they should voluntarily submit to the same restricted
+    hours of consumption as they had imposed on the outside world.
+    Mr. WING is a temperance reformer, but on this occasion he had
+    the redoubtable assistance of Mr. GEORGE FABER, a stout friend
+    of the "trade" whose hair had grown white, he declared (though
+    in other respects he still looks delightfully juvenile), in
+    fighting the Licensing Bill of 1908. In his opinion the House
+    could no longer keep itself in a compartment
+    apart&mdash;especially as it was not a watertight compartment.
+    Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, who is naturally a champion of
+    cakes&mdash;and ale&mdash;made a despairing effort to preserve
+    the privileges of the Palace of Westminster, but did not carry
+    his protest to a division; and after a few valedictory remarks
+    from Colonel LOCKWOOD, including two quotations from LUCRETIUS
+    (derived from a crib, as he modestly explained), the House
+    unanimously decided that its habits should be in conformity
+    with its debates&mdash;dry with moist intervals.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, March 1st.</i>&mdash;Copies of the unexpurgated
+    edition of the Report of the Dardanelles Commission marked
+    "confidential" are to be sent to the SPEAKER and to the leader
+    of every political party in the House. If Mr. BONAR LAW thought
+    by this announcement to allay curiosity he was disappointed.
+    Requests for a definition of the term "political party" rained
+    upon him from all quarters. It really is a rather nice point.
+    Mr. ASQUITH, Mr. REDMOND and Mr. WARDLE will, of course,
+    receive their copies of the <i>editio princeps</i>. But what
+    about Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who commands a bare half-section,
+    even if one includes Mr. T.M. HEALY as odd file? What, too, of
+    the Peace-without-Victory party, which is all leaders? The case
+    of Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE, which was publicly mentioned,
+    presents little difficulty. Much as they love one another,
+    neither is prepared to acknowledge the other as his leader.</p>
+
+    <p>The greatest crux is furnished by Mr. GINNELL and Mr.
+    PEMBERTON-BILLING. Each of them leads a distinct party, making
+    up by its activity and volubility for its comparative lack of
+    size. Logically they may look forward to receiving copies of
+    the "confidential" document too sacred for the inspection even
+    of Peers and Privy Councillors. But I should not encourage them
+    to hope.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/159.png"
+             alt="The Doctor has called to see you, Sir." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Maid.</i> "THE DOCTOR HAS CALLED TO SEE YOU,
+        SIR."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Government Official (faintly).</i> "TELL HIM TO FILL
+        UP A FORM, STATING THE NATURE OF HIS BUSINESS AND IF BY
+        APPOINTMENT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160"
+       id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160.png"
+             alt="Eh, ye've coom at last." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Boss (to typist, a war flapper, who is very
+        late).</i> "EH, YE'VE COOM AT LAST. WE WERE JUST TALKIN'
+        ABOOT YE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Typist.</i> "AH, I WONDERED WHAT MADE MY EAR
+        BURN."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CLASSICAL AMERICA.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [A correspondent of <i>The Westminster Gazette</i> remarks
+        in a recent issue, "I am told American students sing their
+        Pindar."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A WRITER in the evening Press</p>
+
+            <p>Lays quite unnecessary stress</p>
+
+            <p>Upon the fact that youthful scholars,</p>
+
+            <p>Residing in the land of dollars,</p>
+
+            <p>Where men are shrewd and level-headed,</p>
+
+            <p>Sing songs to PINDAR'S verses wedded.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet why this wonder, when you think</p>
+
+            <p>How strongly welded is the link</p>
+
+            <p>That binds Columbia and its glory</p>
+
+            <p>To lands renowned in classic story?</p>
+
+            <p>There's hardly any town of note</p>
+
+            <p>Mentioned by MOMMSEN or by GROTE</p>
+
+            <p>Except Byzantium, perhaps&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Which doesn't figure in our maps.</p>
+
+            <p>Of Ithacas we have a score,</p>
+
+            <p>And Troys and Uticas galore;</p>
+
+            <p>Chicago has a Punic sound,</p>
+
+            <p>And pretty often, I'll be bound,</p>
+
+            <p>Austere Bostonians heavenward send a</p>
+
+            <p>Petition calling her <i>delenda</i>;</p>
+
+            <p>While Philadelphia, Pennsylvania</p>
+
+            <p>Betray the classicising mania.</p>
+
+            <p>We have a Capitol, also,</p>
+
+            <p>As fine as Rome's of long ago;</p>
+
+            <p>Pompey and Romulus and Remus</p>
+
+            <p>(I'm not so sure of Polyphemus)</p>
+
+            <p>Are names with us more often worn</p>
+
+            <p>Than in the lands where they were born.</p>
+
+            <p>Then, as true classicists to stamp us,</p>
+
+            <p>Each College has its separate Campus,</p>
+
+            <p>And we have Senators whose mien</p>
+
+            <p>Might well have turned old BRENNUS green.</p>
+
+            <p>Why even the Bird that proudly soars</p>
+
+            <p>In majesty to guard our shores</p>
+
+            <p>Before migrating to these regions</p>
+
+            <p>Was followed by the Roman legions.</p>
+
+            <p>But we have writ enough to show</p>
+
+            <p>What everybody ought to know,</p>
+
+            <p>That, spite of hustle and skyscrapers,</p>
+
+            <p>And Tammany and yellow papers,</p>
+
+            <p>The spirit of both Greece and Rome</p>
+
+            <p>Has found a second lasting home</p>
+
+            <p>Across the wide Atlantic foam.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>More War Economy.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Perambulator, cheap, for cash, as new; cost &pound;9 15s.,
+        receipt shown; owner getting rid of
+        baby."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Turn to the annals of the period 1914-1917, everlastingly
+        to be remembered by the Meuse of History."&mdash;<i>Jamaica
+        Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The Meuse needs no reminder.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"DOING WITHOUT."</h3>
+
+    <p>A valued correspondent writes:&mdash;<br />
+     "We are deluged in the Press just now with information on how
+    to 'do without.' One morning a splendid recipe for making
+    pancakes without eggs; another, a perfect Irish stew without
+    potatoes; another, a Welsh rabbit without cheese. Meatless days
+    are to be as natural as wireless telegraphy; and the other day
+    we were asked seriously to consider the problem of a school
+    without teachers! But there is a certain little corner of the
+    daily paper headed, 'London Readings,' which could better, in
+    war-time phrases, be expressed thus: 'Stern Facts must be
+    Faced&mdash;How to do without Sunshine,' for all that the
+    Meteorological expert can find to say is, 'Yesterday Sunshine,
+    0.0. Previous day Sunshine, 0.0.' O! O!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>What a Woman Notices.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Sears succeeded in cashing two of the cheques at the bank,
+        the woman cashier not noticing that they were crossed. When
+        she came to the bank a third time, however, the cashier
+        recognised the hat she was wearing, and caused her to be
+        detained."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161"
+       id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span>
+
+    <h2>PRIVILEGE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. Jenkins, junior partner in the firm of Baldwin and
+    Jenkins, antique dealers, Wigpole Street, was in the habit, on
+    fine afternoons, of walking home from business to his flat in
+    the Brompton Road.</p>
+
+    <p>He invariably chose the path which runs parallel to Park
+    Lane, just inside the Park railings.</p>
+
+    <p>Being middle-aged and unmarried he walked slowly and
+    methodically, and was careful, when he came level with an
+    entrance, to note the particular gates marked "In" and "Out."
+    He would, as he crossed the "Out" opening, look sharply to the
+    right, and as he passed the "In" opening look sharply to the
+    left. "Safety first" was a creed with him.</p>
+
+    <p>One mild Spring afternoon, as he was passing by an "Out"
+    aperture, with his whole attention fixed to the right, he was
+    aware, amid the sound of motor-horns and shouts, that the
+    roadway had risen up and struck him on the back of the neck,
+    and that something like the Marble Arch had kicked him at the
+    same moment.</p>
+
+    <p>A week later Mr. Jenkins recovered consciousness in a
+    beautiful clean ward of St. George's Hospital. A smiling nurse
+    stood by his bed and, as he tried to sit up, she told him he
+    must be quiet and not disturb the bandages.</p>
+
+    <p>"Your friend Mr. Baldwin is coming to see you to-day at two
+    o'clock," she told him. "No, it is not serious; you are out of
+    danger. Now you have only to be quiet; so when your friend
+    comes you mustn't talk too much."</p>
+
+    <p>He lay still and thought, and it all came back to him. "But,
+    good heavens!" was his reflection, "that car must have come
+    <i>in</i> by the '<i>Out</i>' gate! In that case," he
+    continued, not without pleasure, "I can claim
+    damages&mdash;very severe damages too."</p>
+
+    <p>At two o'clock Mr. Baldwin, his grey-bearded friend and
+    partner, entered. "Well, Jenkins," said he, "I'm glad to see
+    you've turned the corner. You've had rather a narrow
+    squeak."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. Jenkins looked at his friend for a moment. "Look here,"
+    he said, "I'm not allowed to speak much, but did you know that
+    that car, when it struck me, was coming in through an 'Out'
+    gate, and, as that can be proved, don't you see that I can get
+    pretty good compensation?"</p>
+
+    <p>His friend's face remained solemn. "I fear not," he
+    said.</p>
+
+    <p>"But I must," said Jenkins. "It's as clear as can be. Scores
+    of people must have seen it."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. Baldwin shook his head horizontally.</p>
+
+    <p>"Heavy damages," said Mr. Jenkins, "I repeat."</p>
+
+    <p>"I've gone into it," his partner replied, "and it's
+    hopeless."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why?" asked the sick man.</p>
+
+    <p>"I'll tell you," said Mr. Baldwin. "Because that car
+    belonged to the Duke of Mudcaster."</p>
+
+    <p>"The more reason," said Mr. Jenkins, "for heavy damages.
+    Very heavy. The Duke's rolling."</p>
+
+    <p>"Maybe he rolls," said Mr. Baldwin. "But that is not all.
+    Listen. The Duke of Mudcaster is the only representative of the
+    Pennecuiks, whose founder had the good fortune to be of some
+    service to KING WILLIAM III. For this service he and his
+    posterity were allowed the privilege of entering places by
+    gates marked 'Out' and leaving by gates marked 'In.'"</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. Jenkins sat half up, groaned and subsided again. He said
+    nothing.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, I must say good-bye now," said Mr. Baldwin. "Sorry
+    I've depressed you about compensation, but you never had an
+    earthly. See you again soon. So long."</p>
+
+    <p>For some minutes Mr. Jenkins remained as one stunned. Then
+    he began to think again. "I wonder," he said once or twice, for
+    he knew his partner,&mdash;"I wonder. Could it have been
+    Baldwin himself in his old Ford? Could it?"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/161.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161.png"
+             alt="What a poor supply of gas there is!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>ruminating</i>). "WHAT A POOR SUPPLY
+        OF GAS THERE IS! AH, WELL, I MUSTN'T GRUMBLE. PERHAPS WE
+        ARE ATTACKING WITH GAS AT THE FRONT TO-DAY."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Extract from a schoolboy's letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Please do not send me a cake this term, or it will go to
+        the Red Cross Soldiers."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "MANAGERESS wanted immediately, small Blouse Factory,
+        Harrogate; able to cut out and control
+        girls."&mdash;<i>Harrogate Advertiser.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>She will need to be careful. A girl who has been cut out is
+    apt to be uncontrollable.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162"
+       id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+    <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>The German KAISER and a wounded Belgian
+    Officer, a Prisoner.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> So, then, you are still in arms against
+    me, still persisting in your insane desire for battle and
+    bloodshed? Will nothing content you? Must you compel us to
+    continue in our enmity when by a word peace might be
+    established between us, and Belgium might take her place at the
+    side of Germany as a sister-nation striving with us to promote
+    the cause of true civilisation?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Belgian.</i> It is useless, Sir, to say such things
+    to any Belgian.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Why useless? Do you not wish that death
+    and ruin and misery should cease?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Belgian.</i> Certainly we do. No one more ardently
+    than the Belgians, for it was not we who desired war or began
+    the contest. But when you talk of stopping we must remind you
+    that it was by your deliberate choice that war was
+    treacherously forced on us. What could we do except defend
+    ourselves against the dastardly blow that you aimed at our
+    life? And after that it was not by us that Louvain was
+    destroyed, that old men and women and children were ruthlessly
+    massacred. Do you think such scenes can be wiped out of the
+    memory of a nation, so that her men shall turn round and kiss
+    the bloodstained hand that has tried to throttle them? Surely
+    you expect too much.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> You speak too freely. Remember in whose
+    presence you are.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Belgian.</i> There is not much fear that I shall
+    forget. I am in the presence of one who has desired at all
+    costs to concentrate on himself the gaze of the world, caring
+    nothing as to the means by which he accomplished his object.
+    This man, for he is, after all, only a poor human creature
+    prone to anger, suspicion and foolish jealousy&mdash;this man
+    has always gone about arrogating to himself the attributes of a
+    god, calling upon his own people to worship him, and on all
+    other peoples to be humble before him. Stung by his own
+    restless vanity and the servile applause of those who are ever
+    ready to prostrate themselves before an Emperor, he has rushed
+    hither and thither seeking to make others the mere foils of his
+    splendour and his wisdom, making mischief wherever he went and
+    striving to irritate and depress his neighbours. This man in
+    peace was a bad neighbour, and in war a base and treacherous
+    foe, sanctioning by his enthusiastic approval such deeds as the
+    meanest villain would have contemplated with shame.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> This is too much. I gave you leave to
+    speak, but not to revile me. You must not forget that you are
+    in my power.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Belgian.</i> A noble threat! But it is right and
+    proper that men like you, who think they are infallible because
+    their cringing flatterers tell them so, should sometimes hear
+    the truth. You dare, forsooth, to talk to a Belgian of your
+    magnanimity and your desire for peace. Cannot you realise that
+    our nation has been tempered by outrage and ruin; that exile
+    and the ruthless breaking of their homes only serve to make its
+    men and women more resolute; that even if others were to cease
+    fighting against you, and if her sword were broken, Belgium
+    would dash its hilt in your face till breath and life were
+    driven out of her mangled body; that, in short, we hate you for
+    your cruelty and despise you for your baseness; and that for
+    the future, wherever there is a Belgian, there is one who is
+    the enemy of the thing called KAISER.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Enough, enough. I did not come here to be
+    insulted. If you have suffered, you and your nation, it is
+    because you have deserved to suffer for having dared to set
+    yourself against Germany, whom our good old German god has
+    appointed to lead the way in righteousness to the goal marked
+    out for her.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Belgian.</i> Sir, when you speak like that you are no
+    doubt a marvel in your own eyes, but to others you are a
+    laughing-stock, a mere scare-crow dressed up to resemble a man,
+    a thing of shreds and patches to whom for a time the
+    inscrutable decrees of Providence have permitted a dreadful
+    power. But we are resolute to endure to the end, and your
+    blandishments will avail as little as your threats.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MY WATCH.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Sage who above a Greek signature nightly</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Emits a succession of eloquent
+            screeds,</p>
+
+            <p>Instructing us firmly but also politely</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">How best to supply our material
+            needs,</p>
+
+            <p>Has specially urged us of late, in a shining</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Example of zeal for his frivolous
+            flock,</p>
+
+            <p>With the object of "speed" and "precision"
+            combining</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">To "work with our eye on the clock."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The precept is sound, and its due application</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is fraught with undoubted advantage to
+            some,</p>
+
+            <p>But I'm free to remark that my own situation</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Represents a recalcitrant re-sidu-um;</p>
+
+            <p>Clocks I cannot abide with their truculent
+            ticking&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A nuisance I always have striven to
+            scotch&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>And I gain very little assistance in sticking</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">To work, if I'm watching my watch.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For my watch, which I treasure with ardent
+            affection&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Twas given to me in my juvenile
+            prime&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Exhibits a truly uncanny objection</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To keeping an accurate count of the
+            time;</p>
+
+            <p>In the matter of speed it's a regular sprinter;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Repairs are a farce; it invariably
+            gains;</p>
+
+            <p>And in Spring and in Autumn, in Summer and
+            Winter</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Precision it never attains.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Mathematics to me are a terrible trial,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They plague me in age as they floored me
+            in youth,</p>
+
+            <p>Or I might, when observing the hour on my dial,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Allow for the error and guess at the
+            truth.</p>
+
+            <p>Then why do I keep it? Because it's a mascot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And none of its vices can alter the
+            fact</p>
+
+            <p>That the very first day that I wore it, at
+            Ascot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Three winners I happily backed.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The annual meeting of the Court of Governors of the
+        University of Birmingham was held yesterday at the
+        University, Edmund Street. The Pro-Vice-Chancellor said the
+        University had done its share in the present awful state of
+        Europe."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We are sorry to hear this.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Government have apparently taken infinite pains to so
+        'cut their coast according to their cloth' as to provide
+        for the least possible inconvenience and suffering to the
+        people of these islands."&mdash;<i>Cork Constitution.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Thanks to this wise provision there is still just enough
+    coast to go round.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From the report of a schoolmasters' conference:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "That we should spread our education wider, and not allow a
+        boy to spend too much time on specialising is a good idea,
+        but it is rather difficult to carry out in practice. It
+        means switching the boy's mind from one subject to another.
+        The whole day is spent in this way&mdash;switching from one
+        subject to another, and therefore it is very
+        difficult."&mdash;<i>United Empire</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And it sounds painful too.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163"
+       id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/163.png"
+             alt="And me givin' yon man at the station twa bawbees tae mind ma greatcoat!" />
+        </a> <i>Jock.</i> "AND ME GIVIN' YON MAN AT THE STATION TWA
+        BAWBEES TAE MIND MA GREATCOAT!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>It is strange to find the inexhaustible Mr. W.E. NORRIS
+    turning towards the supernatural. Yet there is at least more
+    than a flavouring of this in the composition of <i>Brown
+    Amber</i> (HUTCHINSON), which partly concerns a remarkable
+    bead, having the property of bringing good or evil luck to its
+    various owners. As (after the manner of such things in stories)
+    the charm was for ever being lost, and as the kind of fortune
+    it conferred went in alternations, possession of it was rather
+    in the nature of a gamble. All I have to observe about it is
+    that such hazards consort somewhat better with the world of
+    HANS ANDERSEN or the <i>Arabian Nights</i> than with those
+    quiet and well-bred inhabitants of South-Western London whom
+    one has learnt to associate with the name of NORRIS. Thus, in
+    considering the nice problem of whether <i>Clement Drake</i>
+    (as typical a Norrisian as ever buttoned spats) would or would
+    not escape the entanglements of <i>Mrs. D'Esterre</i>, it
+    simply irritated me to suppose that the event might be
+    determined by the machinations of djins. In a word, East is
+    East and S.W. is S.W., and never the twain shall, or should, be
+    mixed up in a novel that pretends to anything more serious than
+    burlesque. I am not sure also that, for different reasons, I
+    did not regret the introduction of the War; though as a grand
+    climax it has, I admit, a lure that must be almost irresistible
+    to the novelist. For the rest, if you do not share my objection
+    to the (dare I say it?) amberdexterity of the plot, you will
+    find Mr. NORRIS as pleasant as ever in his scenes of
+    drawing-room comedy.</p>
+
+    <p>A volume of remarkable interest is <i>In Ruhleben</i> (HURST
+    AND BLACKETT), into which Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN has gathered a
+    variety of information concerning the life of the English
+    civilian prisoners in Germany, its many hardships and few
+    ameliorations. The greater part of the book is filled with a
+    series of letters sent by one of these prisoners to his mother.
+    Perhaps (one suspects) the writer of these was not altogether
+    an ordinary young man. From whatever reason, the fact remains
+    that his letters are by no means uncheery reading; his books
+    and study, most of all his friendships (with one fellow-captive
+    especially), seem to have kept him contented and even happy. Of
+    course some part of this may well have been coloured for the
+    maternal eye; it is clear that he was greatly concerned that
+    she should not be too anxious about him. A more impartial
+    picture of the conditions at Ruhleben is given in the second
+    part of the volume, and in a letter by Sir TIMOTHY EDEN,
+    reprinted from <i>The Times</i>, on The Case for a wholesale
+    Exchange of Civilian Prisoners. I should add that the book is
+    illustrated with a number of drawings of Ruhleben made by Mr.
+    STANLEY GRIMM, an artist of the Expressionist School (whatever
+    that may mean). These are vigorous and arresting, if, to the
+    unmodern eye, somewhat formless. But they are part of a record
+    that all Englishmen can study with quickened sympathy and a
+    great pride in the courage and resource of our race under
+    conditions needlessly brutal at their worst, and never better
+    than just endurable.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Nothing will ever persuade me that <i>This Way Out</i>
+    (METHUEN) is an attractive title for a novel, however
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page164"
+       id="page164"></a>[pg 164]</span> effective it may be as a
+       notice in a railway station. The book itself, however, is
+       intriguing in spite of its gloominess. The grandfather of
+       <i>Jane</i> and <i>John-Andrew Vaguener</i> committed a most
+       cold-blooded murder&mdash;this in a prologue. Then, when we
+       get to the real story, we find <i>Jane</i> tapping out
+       popular fiction at an amazing pace, and her brother,
+       <i>John-Andrew</i>, living on the proceeds thereof.
+       <i>Jane</i> is noisy, vulgar, and successful in her own
+       line, and gets on <i>John-Andrew's</i> nerves; and when he
+       discovers that she has for once turned aside from tawdry
+       fiction and written a play that is really good he decides
+       that he can stand it and her no longer. While she was
+       pouring out literary garbage he could just manage to endure
+       his position, but the thought that she would be hailed as a
+       genius while he remained an utter failure was the final
+       stroke that turned him from a mendicant into a madman. I am
+       not going to tell you exactly what happened, but <i>Jane</i>
+       found a "way out," and with her departure from this life my
+       interest in the book evaporated. Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY has
+       notable gifts as a descriptive writer, and my only complaint
+       against her is that vulgar <i>Jane</i> was not allowed to
+       live, for in the Army or out of it she was worth a whole
+       platoon of <i>John-Andrews</i>. The <i>Vagueners</i>, I may
+       add, were not a little mad, but then they were Cornish, and
+       novelists persist in treating Cornwall as if it were a
+       delirious duchy.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I don't think I can honourably recommend Mr. HUGH ELLIOT'S
+    volume on <i>Herbert Spencer</i> (CONSTABLE) as light reading,
+    though the ungodly may wax merry over the philosopher's first
+    swear-word, at the age of thirty-six, in the matter of a
+    tangled fishing-line, and may be kindled at the later picture
+    of a middle-aged sportsman shinning, effectively too, after a
+    Neapolitan who had pinched his opera-glasses. Fine human traits
+    these in a character which will strike the normal man as
+    bewilderingly unlike the general run of the species. The
+    serious-flippant reader, tackling Mr. ELLIOT'S elaborate and
+    acute analyses, may get an impression of an obstinate old
+    apriorist, a sort of White Knight of Philosophyland, with all
+    manner of reasoned-out "inventions" at his saddle-bow (labelled
+    "Homogeneity-Heterogeneity," "Unknowable," "Ghost Theory,"
+    "Presentative-Representative"), which don't seem, somehow, as
+    helpful as their inventor assumes. And 'tis certain he took
+    tosses into many of the pits of his dangerous deductive method.
+    I don't present this as Mr. ELLIOT'S view. He is
+    respectful-critical, and makes perhaps the best case for his
+    old master's claim to greatness out of the assumption that
+    SPENCER himself, stark enemy to authority and dogmatism, would
+    have preferred his biographer's critical examination to any
+    mere "master's-voice" reproduction of Spencerian doctrine. I
+    wonder if he would!</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Miss F.E. MILLS YOUNG'S newest story has at least this much
+    merit about it, that no one who has seen the title can complain
+    thereafter of having been taken unawares by the course of the
+    narrative. That is perhaps as well, for, having discovered in
+    the opening chapters a sufficiently charming <i>Pamela</i>
+    living in perpetual honeymoon with a partner rich, good-looking
+    and with no particular occupation to interfere with unlimited
+    motor trips and dinner parties, we might have imagined the tale
+    was going to remain a jolly meaningless thing like that all
+    through, and so have been as much shocked as the heroine
+    herself on reading the fatal letter. But, since we knew the
+    book to be called straight out <i>The Bigamist</i> (LANE), we
+    could have no possible difficulty in foreseeing the emergence
+    of that other wife from the buried past ready to pounce down on
+    poor little <i>Pam</i> at her happiest. And of course she duly
+    appeared. Not that such happiness could in any case have lasted
+    long, for the man was, flatly, a cur, not deserving the notice
+    of any of the rather foolish women he managed to
+    attract&mdash;there were three of them&mdash;and not
+    particularly worth your attention either for that matter.
+    Having said so much I can gladly leave the rest to your
+    perusal, or, better perhaps, your imagination, only hinting
+    that the conclusion has something of dignity that does a little
+    to redeem the volume. But when all is said this is not Miss
+    YOUNG at her best, the characters without exception being
+    unusually stilted, the plot unpleasant, and the South African
+    atmosphere, for which I have gladly praised her before now, so
+    negligible that but for an occasional name and a page or two of
+    railway journey the yarn might as well have been placed in a
+    suburb of London or Manchester as in the land of delectable
+    sunshine.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. JOHN S. MARGERISON, in <i>The Sure Shield</i>
+    (DUCKWORTH) sees to it that our national pride in our Fleet is
+    thoroughly encouraged. Whether he is describing a race against
+    the Germans in times of peace, or a fight against odds with
+    them in these days of war, we always come out top dog. Very
+    good. But, at the same time, I am bound to add that some of his
+    stories compelled me to make considerable drafts on my reserves
+    of credulity before I could swallow them. So improbable are the
+    incidents in one or two of them that I am inclined to believe
+    that they must be founded on fact. However that may be, their
+    author is an expert in his subject, and writes with a vigour
+    that is very bracing and infectious.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/164.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/164.png"
+             alt="Tactful Customer forestalls a rebuff at a coal order office." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Tactful Customer (forestalling a rebuff at a coal
+        order office).</i> "OF COURSE, MISS, I DON'T EXPECT THAT
+        YOU REALLY <i>SELL</i> COALS, BUT I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD HAVE
+        NO OBJECTION TO MAKING THEM A SUBJECT FOR
+        CONVERSATION?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Music in Mesopotamia.</h4>
+
+    <p>Among the songs which have recently exhausted their
+    popularity in the music-halls of Baghdad is:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Come into the Garden of Eden, MAUDE."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The White Star Company, the Dominion Shipping Company, and
+        other Atlantic lines are now arranging to employ a certain
+        number of Sea Scouts on their boats. The shipping companies
+        will certainly be ducky."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Or perhaps they may even happen upon a DRAKE.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, March 7, 1917., by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1978 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+March 7, 1917., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 7, 1917.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14966]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+March 7th, 1917.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"A motor car repairer," says Mr. Justice BRAY, "is like a plumber. Once you
+get him into the house you cannot get him out."... Unless, of course, you
+show him a burst bath pipe, when he will immediately go out to fetch his
+mate.
+
+       ***
+
+According to Herr WILDRUBE, a member of the Reichstag, Germans should
+"rejoice at the departure of Mr. GERARD and his pro-Entente espionage
+bureau." They have some rubes in the U.S.A., but nothing quite so wild as
+this.
+
+       ***
+
+An historical film, called "The Discovery of Germany," is being exhibited
+widely through the Fatherland under the auspices of the Government. A
+further discovery of Germany--that she has been fatally misled by her
+rulers--has not at present received the approval of the Imperial House.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Army authorities have issued an urgent warning to the public not
+to discuss military matters. Their own communiques are to be taken as a
+model of the right kind of reticence.
+
+       ***
+
+An American film syndicate have overcome their difficulty in finding a man
+to take the place of CHARLIE CHAPLIN. They have decided to do without.
+
+       ***
+
+In Vienna, so as not to infuriate the indigent poor, tables are no longer
+placed near the window of the dearer restaurants. Similar establishments in
+Germany for the same reason were long ago made sound-proof.
+
+       ***
+
+We note that German and Turkish diplomats have been engaged in conference
+for the purpose of drawing the two countries closer together. Any little
+pressure from outside (as on the Tigris and the Ancre) is doubtless welcome
+as contributing to this end.
+
+       ***
+
+"The right way to dissipate the submarine nightmare" is how a contemporary
+describes the new restrictions on imports. The embargo on tinned lobster
+should certainly have that effect.
+
+       ***
+
+A museum is to be established at Stuttgart "to interest the masses of the
+people in overseas Germans and their conditions of life." Several Foreign
+Governments, it is understood, have expressed their willingness to supply
+specimens in any reasonable quantity.
+
+       ***
+
+Lively satisfaction is being expressed among members of the younger set at
+the appointment of Mr. ALFRED BIGLAND, M.P., as Controller of Soap. They
+are now discussing a resolution calling for the abolition of nurse-maids,
+who are notorious for using soap to excess.
+
+       ***
+
+A Bill has been introduced into the House of Lords with the object of
+admitting women to practise as solicitors. The raising of the statutory fee
+for a consultation to 6_s._ 83/4_d._ is also under consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+At Old Street Police Court a man charged with bigamy pleaded that when a
+child he had a fall which affected his head. It is not known why other
+bigamists do it.
+
+       ***
+
+At Haweswater, Westmoreland, some sheep were recently dug out alive after
+being buried in a snow-drift forty days. It is thought that a morbid fear
+of being sold as New Zealand mutton caused the animals to make a supreme
+struggle for life.
+
+       ***
+
+A lady correspondent of _The Daily Telegraph_ suggests that tradesmen
+should economise paper by ceasing to send out a separate expression of
+thanks with every receipted bill. A further economy is suggested by a
+hardened creditor, who advocates the abolition of the absurd custom of
+sending out a quarterly statement of "account rendered."
+
+       ***
+
+Beer bottles are now said to be worth more than the beer they contain, and
+apprehension is being felt lest the practice shall develop of giving away
+the contents to those who consent to return the empty bottles.
+
+       ***
+
+Difficulty having been found in replacing firemen called up for military
+service, the Hendon Council, it is rumoured, are requesting the residents
+not to have any conflagrations for the present at least.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. JOHN INNS, of Stevenage, has just purchased the whole parish of
+Caldecote, Herts; but the report that he had to do this in order to obtain
+a pound of sugar proves incorrect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOTICE.
+
+In order to meet the national need for economy in the consumption of paper,
+the Proprietors of _Punch_ are compelled to reduce the number of its pages,
+but propose that the amount of matter published in _Punch_ shall by
+condensation and compression be maintained and even, it is hoped,
+increased.
+
+It is further necessary that means should be taken to restrict the
+circulation of _Punch_, and on and after March 14th its price will be
+Sixpence. The Proprietors believe that the public will prefer an increase
+of price to a reduction of matter.
+
+Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for the regular
+delivery of copies, as _Punch_ may otherwise be unobtainable, the shortage
+of paper making imperative the withdrawal from Newsagents of the
+"on-sale-or-return" privilege.
+
+In consequence of the increase in the price of _Punch_ the period covered
+by subscriptions already paid direct to the _Punch_ Office will have to be
+proportionately shortened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APOLOGY OF A WARRIOR MINSTREL.
+
+  Lucasta, don't be cruel
+    If my bewildered lyre
+  Amidst such stores of fuel
+    Seems reft of sacred fire.
+
+  For if you know what France is
+    You know how it is hard
+  To blend, as in romances,
+    The warrior with the bard.
+
+  The troubadours of story
+    Knew no such woes as we,
+  Whose hopes of martial glory
+    Are built on F.A.T.[1]
+
+  With songs and swords and horses
+    They learned their careless role,
+  While we are sent on courses
+    That starve the poet's soul.
+
+  With gay anticipations
+    They feasted ere a fight,
+  But we in calculations
+    Wear out the chilly night.
+
+  And if some hour of leisure
+    Permits a lyric mood
+  My wretched Muse takes pleasure
+    In nothing else but food.
+
+  Thus when I am returning
+    Ice-cold from some O.P.,
+  And in the East is burning
+    Aurora's heraldry,
+
+  That spark she fails to waken
+    With which of yore I glowed,
+  Who, fain of eggs and bacon,
+    Tramp ravening down the road,
+
+  Aware, with self-despising,
+    Which interests me most--
+  The silvery mists a-rising
+    Or marmalade and toast.
+
+  Such are the War-bard's passions--
+    Rank seedlings of a time
+  That chokes with maths and rations
+    The bursting buds of rhyme.
+
+        [1]: Field Artillery Training
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROMANCE OF RATIONS.
+
+  "Not like to like, but like in difference."
+                  "_The Princess._"
+
+I have always misjudged Victorine--I admit it now with shame. While other
+girls have become engaged--and disengaged quite soon after--she has
+remained unattached and solitary. As I watched the disappointed suitors
+turn sadly away I put it down to pride and self-sufficiency, but I was
+wrong. I see now that she always had the situation well in hand.
+
+As for Algernon, he is the sort of man who writes sonnets to lilies and
+butterflies and the rosy-fingered dawn--this last from hearsay as he really
+knows nothing about it. He is prematurely bald and suffers from the
+grossest form of astigmatism, and I thought that no woman would ever love
+him. I never dreamt that Victorine had even noticed he was there.
+
+One day I heard that they were engaged. It was too hard for me to
+understand.
+
+On the third morning I went to see her.
+
+"Victorine," I said, "you have never loved before?"
+
+"Never," she assented softly.
+
+"Now, this man you have chosen--you do not care overmuch for lilies and
+butterflies and rosy-fingered dawns?"
+
+"Not overmuch," she admitted sadly.
+
+"Then what is it brings you together? What strange link of the spirit has
+been forged between you? To speak quite plainly, what do you see in him?"
+
+"Yesterday we lunched together, and two days before that he got here in
+time for breakfast."
+
+"And the engagement still holds?" I am no optimist.
+
+"Before that we dined. Yes, I do not exaggerate. It was my suggestion. One
+sees so much unhappiness now-a-days, and I wished to be quite sure we were
+suited to one another."
+
+"And you are convinced of the sincerity of the attachment?"
+
+"Why, I feel for him as Mother does for the knife-and-boot boy, and Uncle
+Stephen for the charlady. We cannot be separated. It would be monstrous."
+
+I ceased to be articulate. Victorine suddenly became radiant.
+
+"We must always be together--at any rate for the duration of the War, you
+see. I eat under my meat and he is over. In flour and sugar--oh, how can I
+confess it?--I _exceed_. He is far, far below his ration. Apart we are
+failures; together we are perfect. We both saw it at once."
+
+I realised suddenly the inevitability of this mutual bond.
+
+"So marriage is the only thing?" I asked; but I was already conquered.
+
+She assented with a regal air.
+
+As I went away I saw a new and strange beauty in the problem of Food
+Shortage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+IV.
+
+The Farmer's Boy (New Style).
+
+  The Hun was set on making us fret
+    For lack of food to eat,
+  When up there ran a City man
+    In gaiters trim and neat--
+  Oh, just tell me if a farm there be
+    Where I can get employ,
+  To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,
+    And he a farmer's boy,
+    And be a farmer's boy.
+
+  "In khaki dight my juniors fight--
+    I wish that I could too;
+  But since the land's in need of hands
+    There's work for me to do;
+  Though you call me a 'swell,' I would labour well--
+    I'm aware it's not pure joy--
+  To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O
+    And be a farmer's boy,
+    And be a farmer's boy."
+
+  The farmer quoth, "I be mortal loth,
+    But the farm 'tis goin' back,
+  And I do declare as I can't a-bear
+    Any farming hands to lack;
+  So if you've got grit and be middlin' fit
+    An'll larn to cry, 'Ut hoy!'
+  And to plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,
+    You shall be a farmer's boy,
+    You shall be a farmer's boy."
+
+  Bold farmers all, obey the call
+    Of townsfolk game and gay!
+  And you City men put by the pen
+    And hear me what I say:--
+  Get straight enrolled with a farmer bold,
+    And the Hun you'll straight annoy,
+  If you plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O
+    And be a farmer's boy,
+    And be a farmer's boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Sex-Problem Again.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--A 3-year-old Holstein gentleman cow."--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Liverpool master carter told the Tribunal that the last 'substitute'
+    sent him for one of his men backed a horse down a tip and landed him in
+    an expense of L50."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_.
+
+Many men have lost more by backing a horse _on_ a tip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bare Outlook.
+
+    "THINGS YOU HAVE GOT TO DO WITHOUT.
+    CLOTHES AND FOOD."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+This seems to bring the War even closer than the PREMIER intended.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE OR LESS.
+
+The fleet of Dutch merchantmen which has been sunk by a waiting submarine
+sailed, it now appears, under a German guarantee of "relative security":
+and the incident has been received in Holland with a widespread outburst of
+relative acquiescence. Germany, in the little ingenious arrangements that
+she is so fond of making for the safety and comfort of her neighbours, is
+so often misunderstood. It should be obvious by this time that her attitude
+to International Law has always been one of approximate reverence. The
+shells with which she bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent shells,
+and the _Lusitania_ was sunk by a relative torpedo.
+
+Neutrals all over the world who are smarting just now under a fresh
+manifestation of Germany's respective goodwill should try to realise before
+they take any action what is the precise situation of our chief enemy. He
+has (relatively) won the War; he has (virtually) broken the resistance of
+the Allies; he has (conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in
+particular, he is (morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight
+appear to be pretty heavily involved, but that will soon be adjusted by
+(hypothetical) indemnities; he has enormous (proportional) reserves of men;
+he has (theoretically) blockaded Great Britain, and his final victory is
+(controvertibly) at hand.
+
+But his most impressive argument, which cannot fail to come home to
+hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latest exhibition of offensive
+power, namely, in his (putative) advance upon the Ancre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Realism.
+
+From a cinema announcement:--
+
+    "The management regret that 'The Lost Bridegroom' missed the boat on
+    Sunday."--_Guernsey Evening Express_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Family Affair.
+
+From an account of a "gift sale":
+
+    "Alderman ---- advised the Committee to sell the donkey in the evening,
+    when there would be a lot present."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Impending Apologies.
+
+I.
+
+"Mr. ---- writes from New Cross:--'Sir,--I was pleased to see that you do not
+intend increasing the price of 'The Daily News,' and hope that you will not
+have to reconsider your decision. If necessary I, for one, would be quite
+content with four pages only."--_Daily News_.
+
+II.
+
+"The nurses who have a seven minutes' walk to their home quarters, have
+never had a rude word said to them, 'even,' she added, 'when they have had
+too much to drink.'"--_Daily Province (Vancouver, B.C.)_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE FREEDOM OF THE SEA."
+
+HOLLAND. "YOU'VE TAKEN A GREAT LIBERTY WITH ME."
+
+GERMANY. "OF COURSE I HAVE. I'M THE APOSTLE OF LIBERTY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE THEATRE OF WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOLACE.
+
+Mr. William Wood, grocer, of Acton, was very tired. And no wonder, for not
+only had he lost his two assistants, both having been called up, but the
+girls who had taken their places were frivolous and slow. Moreover his
+errand boy had that day given notice. And, furthermore, the submarine
+campaign was making it every day more difficult to keep up the stock, and
+the rise in prices meant anything but the commensurate increase of profit
+of which he was accused by indignant customers.
+
+Mr. Wood, therefore, was not sorry when, the shutters up, he could retire
+to his sitting-room upstairs and rest. His one hobby being reading, and his
+favourite form of literature being Lives and Letters, he had normally no
+difficulty in dismissing the shop from his mind. He would open the latest
+memoir from the library and lose himself in whatever society it
+reconstructed, political for choice. But to-night the solace could not so
+easily be found. For one thing, he had no new books; for another, the cares
+of business were too recent and too real.
+
+He sank into his armchair, covered his eyes with his hand, and pondered.
+
+Then suddenly he had an idea. If there were no letters of the Great to
+read, he would himself write to the Great and thus escape grocerdom and
+worry. If he were not a person of importance, he would at least pretend to
+be, and thus be comforted.
+
+Seating himself at the table and taking up his pen, he composed with
+infinite care the following chapter from a biography of himself:--
+
+The year 1916 was a comparatively uneventful one in the life of our hero.
+The principal events were the marriage of his youngest daughter with the
+son of the Bishop of Brighton and the rebuilding of The Towers after the
+fire. Perhaps the most important of his new friends were the Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY and Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, but unfortunately Sir HEDWORTH has not
+kept any of the letters. Nor is there much correspondence; but a few
+letters may be printed here, all testifying to the multifarious interests
+of this remarkable man, who not only knew everyone worth knowing, but
+projected himself into their careers with so much sympathy and keenness.
+The first is to the then Prime Minister:--
+
+_To the Right Hon. H.H. ASQUITH, M.P._
+
+MY DEAR ASQUITH,--This is only a line to remind you that you lunch with me
+at the Primrose Club on Monday at one o'clock. I have asked two or three
+friends to meet you, all good fellows. With regard to that matter on which
+you were asking my advice, I think that the wisest course at present is (to
+use the phrase, now a little stale, which I invented for you) to wait and
+see. Let me say that I thought your speech at the Guildhall a fine effort.
+Kindly remember me to the wife and Miss ELIZABETH, and believe me,
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+      WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+P.S.--I wish you would call me William. I always think of you as Herbert.
+
+_To the Earl of ROSEBERY._
+
+MY DEAR ROSEBERY,--It is a great grief to me to have to decline your kind
+invite to Dalmeny, but there is an obstacle I cannot overcome. My youngest
+daughter is to be married next week to the son of the Bishop of Brighton, a
+most well-bred young fellow with perfect manners. Nothing but the necessity
+of my presence at the feast of Hymen could deprive me of the pleasure of
+seeing your country place. Do not stay away too long, I beg. The town is
+dull without you.
+
+  I am, dear ROSEBERY,
+      Yours most affectionately,
+          WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING._
+
+MY DEAR KIPLING,--Just a line to say how much I admire your poem in this
+morning's _Times_. You have never voiced the feeling of the moment with
+more force or keener insight. But you will, I am sure, pardon me when I say
+that in the fifty-eighth stanza there is a regrettable flaw, which could
+however quickly be put right. To me, that fine appeal to Monaco to give up
+its neutrality is impaired by the use of the word "cope," which I have
+always understood should be avoided by good writers. "Deal" has the same
+meaning and is a truer word. You will, I am sure, agree with me in this
+criticism when you have leisure to think it over.
+
+Believe me, my dear KIPLING,
+
+  Yours sincerely,
+      WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To His Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY._
+
+MY DEAR ARCHBISHOP,--That was a very delightful dinner you gave me last
+night, and I was glad to have the opportunity of meeting Lord MORLEY and
+discussing with him the character of MARLBOROUGH. While not agreeing with
+everything that Lord MORLEY said, I am bound to admit that his views
+impressed me. Some day soon you must bring her Ladyship down to The Towers
+for a dine and sleep.
+
+  I am, my dear Archbishop,
+      Yours cordially,
+          WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To Lord NORTHCLIFFE._
+
+MY DEAR ALFRED,--You cannot, I am sure, do better than continue in the
+course you have chosen. What England needs is a vigilant observer from
+without; and who, as I have so often told you, is better fitted for such a
+part than you? You have all the qualities--high mobility, the courage to
+abandon convictions, and extreme youth. If you lack anything it is perhaps
+ballast, and here I might help you. Ring me up at any time, day or night,
+and I will come to you, just as I used to do years ago when you were
+beginning.
+
+  Think of me always as
+      Yours very sincerely,
+          WILLIAM WOOD.
+
+_To Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO._
+
+MY DEAR PINERO,--I am glad you liked my suggestion and are already at work
+upon it. No one could handle it so well as you. I write now because it has
+occurred to me that the proper place for Lord Scudamore to disown his
+guilty wife and for her impassioned reply is not, as we had it, the spare
+room, but the parlour.
+
+  I am, dear old fellow,
+      Always yours to command,
+          WILLIAM WOOD
+
+Having written thus far, Mr. William Wood went to bed, perfectly at peace
+with himself and the world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend (to Professor, whose lecture, "How to Stop the War,"
+has just concluded)_. "CONGRATULATE YOU, OLD MAN--WENT SPLENDIDLY, AT ONE
+TIME DURING THE AFTERNOON I WAS RATHER ANXIOUS FOR YOU."
+
+_Professor._ "THANKS. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SO
+CONCERNED ON MY BEHALF."
+
+_Friend._ "WELL, A RUMOUR _DID_ GO ROUND THE ROOM THAT THE WAR WOULD BE
+OVER BEFORE YOUR LECTURE." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT BETRAYAL.
+
+  'Twas night, and near the Boreal cliff
+    The monarch in seclusion lay,
+  A wondrous human hieroglyph,
+    Worshipped from Chile to Cathay;
+  When lo! a cry, "Sire, up and fly!
+    The pirate ships are in the bay!"
+
+  "Begone, ye cravens," straight replied
+    The monarch with his eyes ablaze;
+  "No pirate on the ocean wide
+    Can fright me, for I know their ways.
+  Shall I do less in times of stress
+    Than soldiers who have earned My praise?
+
+  "Yet stay," he paused awhile, and then--
+    "Let messengers the country scour
+  On pain of death forbidding men
+    To speak, in hut or hall or tower,
+  Of what I said this night of dread,
+    Or where I spent its darkest hour."
+
+  Swift flew the minions to obey;
+    The wearied monarch slumbered late;
+  Yet, in the Capital next day,
+    Writ large upon his palace gate,
+  A mighty scroll to every soul
+    Blazoned the words that challenged Fate.
+
+  The monarch's rage surpassed all bounds
+    When of this treachery he read;
+  A price of several million pounds
+    Was  placed upon the miscreant's head;
+  But sceptics jibe--an odious tribe--
+    And swear that he will die in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Way to Pay Old Debts.
+
+    "The Inventor of British and American Patents is desirous to Sell or
+    License to Manufacturers, &c., &c.... The above Inventor and Patentee
+    will be greatly obliged if anyone that he owes money to will forward
+    the amount not later than this month, otherwise he will not acknowledge
+    after."--_Financial Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LITTLE WAR PICTURES.
+    A NOBLE ARMY OF OPTIMISTS IN TRANCE."--_Straits Times (Singapore)._
+
+We wish our pessimists would join them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVII.
+
+My Dear Charles,--St. John, in 1914 a light-hearted lieut., advancing and
+retiring with his platoon as an all-seeing Providence or a short-spoken
+Company Commander might direct, and in 1915 a Brass-hat with a vast amount
+of knowledge and only a hundred buff slips or so to write it down on, is
+now Second in Command of his regiment. He tells me he is encamped with his
+little lot on the forward slope of a muddy and much pitted ravine. On the
+opposite slope are some nasty noisy guns, and at the bottom of the ravine
+are the cookers.
+
+When, after much forethought, he has found something to do and has begun
+doing it, there is a cry of "Stand clear!" and, with that prudence which
+even an Englishman will learn if you do not hustle him but give him a year
+or two to find by experience that care should sometimes be taken, all get
+to earth. The guns fire; the neighbourhood heaves and readjusts itself, and
+a man may then come out again. By the time, however, he has collected his
+senses and his materials there is another "Stand clear!" and back he must
+go to earth. This is what is technically known as Rest.
+
+It was not good enough for one of the battalion cooks. No man can do
+justice to a mess of pottage by lying on his belly at a distance and
+frowning at it. After many movements to and fro, he eventually said be
+damned to guns and "Stand clears;" stood on the top of his cooker (there
+was nowhere else to stand), and, holding a dixie lid in his hand and
+bestowing on the contents of the dixie that encouraging smile without which
+no stew can stew, defied all the artillery of the B.E.F. to do its worst.
+It did.
+
+The cook recovered to find himself among his dixies, frizzling pleasantly
+and browning nicely in certain parts. Even so, professional interests
+over-came any feeling of personal injury. Rising majestically, he stepped
+down and advanced upon the nearest gun crew. "Now you've done it, you
+blighters!" he shouted, waving an angry fist at them. "You've been and gone
+and blown all the pork out of the beans."
+
+The same man went on holiday to the neighbouring town, which is in reality
+an ordinarily dull and dirty provincial place, but to the tired warrior is
+a haven of rest and a paradise of gaiety and good things. Here he came into
+contact with the local A.P.M. in the following way. The latter was in his
+office after lunch, brooding no doubt, when in came a French policeman
+greatly excited in French. There was, it appeared, promise of a commotion
+at the Hotel de Ville. A British soldier had got mixed up in the queue of
+honest French civilians who were waiting outside for the delivery of their
+legal papers. There were no bi-linguists present, but it had been made
+quite clear to the Britisher that he must go, and it had been made quite
+clear by the Britisher that he should stay. Always outside the Hotel de
+Ville at 2.30 of an afternoon was this queue of natives, each waiting his
+turn to be admitted to the joyless sanctum of the Commissaire, there to
+receive those illegible documents without which no French home is complete.
+Never before had a British soldier fallen in with them, and, when requested
+to dismiss, showed signs of being obstreperous.
+
+The A.P.M. buckled on his Sam Browne belt and prepared for the worst, which
+he assumed to be but another example of the frailty of human nature when
+suddenly confronted with unaccustomed luxuries. When he got to his prey he
+found him not quite in the state expected. Usually at the sight of an
+A.P.M. a soldier, whatever the strength of his case, will express regret,
+promise reform, and make ready to pass on. This one stood his ground; on no
+account would he leave the queue. He explained to the A.P.M. that he was
+too used to the manifold and subtle devices of people who wanted to snaffle
+other people's places in queues. He was however quite prepared to parley,
+and was only too glad to find a fellow-countryman, speaking the right
+language and having the right sense of justice, to parley with.
+
+He said he had taken his proper place in the line, with no attempt to
+hustle or jostle anyone else. He meant to do no one any harm, and he was
+prepared to pay the due price, in current French notes, whatever it might
+be. But having got his place by right he refused to give it up to anyone
+else, be he French or English, Field Officer or even gendarme. He had been
+excessively restrained in resisting the unscrupulous attempts of the
+gendarme to dislodge him. If he had made any threat of knocking the
+gendarme down he had not really intended to take that course. The threat
+was only a formal reply to the gendarme's proposal to stick a sword through
+his middle.
+
+He was, he said most emphatically, not drunk. If the A.P.M., in whom he had
+all confidence, would occupy his place in the queue and keep it for him, he
+would demonstrate this by a practical test. In any case he ventured to
+insist on his point. Without claiming any special privileges for a man
+fighting and cooking for his country, he claimed the right of any human
+being, whatever his nationality, to witness any cinema show which might be
+in progress.
+
+The underlying good qualities of both nations were evidenced in the sequel.
+When the A.P.M. had interpreted the matter the gendarme insisted on an
+embrace, and the cook permitted it. Later, I have reason to believe, they
+witnessed a most moving cinema play together, but not in the Commissaire's
+office at the Hotel de Ville.
+
+  Yours ever,
+      HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+I.
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+It hadn't rained for forty days and forty nights.
+
+"The reason it doesn't rain," said the guinea-fowl, "is that the barometer
+is very high."
+
+But no one listened to her.
+
+"The reason is," said the duck with the black wings, "that the pond is
+nearly empty. When the pond is empty it doesn't rain."
+
+"It's the hen-house," said the black hen. "Whenever the roof drips there is
+rain."
+
+"It is certainly the hen-house," said all the hens.
+
+"It comes from the trees," said the turkey. "The leaves drip and then there
+is rain, and the more they drip the heavier it rains."
+
+"It is my kennel," chuckled Bruno, the wise old dog. "The more it leaks the
+more it rains."
+
+At that very moment it began to rain in torrents.
+
+"The pond is full," quacked the ducks. "Look at the pond."
+
+"Oh, do look at the hen-house roof--dripping!" shrieked the hens.
+
+"The leaves--look at the leaves," gurgled the turkeys.
+
+"And my kennel leaks. I can feel it on my back," chuckled Bruno.
+
+"The barometer has gone down," said the guinea-fowl.
+
+But no one took any notice of her--quite properly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Housing Problem.
+
+    "Three chicken coops, also pigeon-house, for pole; suitable for
+    lady."--_The Lady_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Open-Air Cure.
+
+    "The _Telegraaf_ learns from its correspondent at the frontier that on
+    yesterday (Monday) afternoon a fresh air attack was made on
+    Zeebrugge."--_Morning Post_.
+
+A pleasant change from stuffy shells.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FEMININE.
+
+"THAT SHADE. WOULDN'T 'ALF SUIT ME."
+
+"LOR LUMMY, LIL! WOT TISTE--AN' YOU A BLONDE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SONG OF THE MILL.
+
+    [Most of our water-mills have fallen into decay and disuse owing to the
+    unsuitability of their machinery to grind imported grain. Will the
+    revival of English grain production bring about a renewal of their
+    usefulness?]
+
+  As by the pool I wandered that lies so clear and still
+  With tall old trees about it, hard by the silent mill
+  Whose ancient oaken timbers no longer creak and groan
+  With roar of wheel and water, and grind of stone on stone,
+
+  The idle mill-race slumbered beneath the mouldering wheel,
+  The pale March sunlight gilded no motes of floating meal,
+  But the stream went singing onward, went singing by the weir--
+  And this, or something like it, was the song I seemed to hear:--
+
+  "By Teviot, Tees and Avon, by Esk and Ure and Tweed,
+  Here's many a trusty henchman would rally to your need;
+  By Itchen, Test and Waveney, by Tamar, Trent and Ouse,
+  Here's many a loyal servant will help you if you choose.
+
+  "Do they no longer need us who needed us of yore?
+  We stood not still aforetime when England marched to war;
+  Like those our wind-driven brothers, far seen o'er weald and fen,
+  We ground the wheat and barley to feed stout Englishmen.
+
+  "You call the men of England, their strength, their toil, their gold,
+  But us you have not summoned, who served your sires of old;
+  For service high or humble, for tribute great and small,
+  You call them and they answer--but us you do not call.
+
+  "Yet we no hoarded fuel of mine or well require,
+  That drives your fleets to battle or lights the poor man's fire;
+  We need no white-hot furnace for tending night and day,
+  No power of harnessed lightnings to speed us on our way.
+
+  "By Tavy, Dart and Derwent, by Wharfe and Usk and Nidd,
+  Here's many a trusty vassal is yours when you shall bid,
+  With the strength of English rivers to push the wheels along
+  And the roar of many a mill-race to join the victory song."
+                  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Berlin Municipality has issued the following order. 'Despite the
+    present unfavourable conditions of production, it has become possible
+    that from Friday this week one shss will be available for every citizen
+    of Berlin,'"--_Egyptian Gazette_.
+
+Judging by the mystery surrounding it we infer that "shss" must be some
+kind of sausage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOD RESTRICTION.
+
+SCENE: _Hotel._
+
+_Little Girl._ "OH, MUMMY! THEY'VE GIVEN ME A DIRTY PLATE."
+
+_Mother._ "HUSH, DARLING. THAT'S THE SOUP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+"MINSTREL BOY."--You are confusing TENNYSON'S "Brook" with the Tigris. Also
+it is the Turkish Army and not the river (which flows the other way) that
+is speaking in the famous lines--
+
+  "I come from haunts of Kut (return);
+    I make a sudden sally."
+
+"ANXIOUS INQUIRER."--No, we are without reliable news of FERDIE. But it is
+rumoured that he is preparing to conform to the general movement of the
+Central Allied Powers, and is therefore taking a little gentle running
+exercise in the Vulpedrome at Vienna.
+
+"V.T.C."--We rejoice with you that already--not more than 21/2 years since
+the revival of the Volunteer Force--the War Office has recognised the
+desirability of giving the Volunteer a rifle to shoot with; and it now
+seems almost certain that he will receive one, _free of charge_, before the
+conclusion of peace. We welcome this wise and generous decision, for though
+we have never pretended to be a military authority we have always held the
+view that in a tight corner a man with a rifle has an appreciable advantage
+over an unarmed man.
+
+"FORTUNE-TELLER."--Like you, we are greatly impressed by the convincing
+arguments advanced by our military experts in support of the view that the
+Germans are likely to put forth a great effort this year at some point on
+one of their fronts; and we share your belief that the time has come when
+the Government should supply a long-felt want by establishing a Department
+of Intelligent Anticipation. It is a happy suggestion of yours to offer,
+for a reasonable consideration, to place at the disposal of such a
+Department your admirably-equipped premises in Bond Street.
+
+"SCHNAPPS."--The correct version is:--
+
+  "In the matter of U-Boats the fault of the Dutch
+  Is protesting too little and standing too much."
+
+"CARILLON."--You ask how the Germans will manage for their joy-peals now
+that the military authorities have commandeered the church bells. It was
+very bright of you to think of this. The answer is that, in view of
+pressing national needs, they are going to give up having victories. After
+all, this is an age of sacrifice.     EDITOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "Abandon housekeeping and live in comfort at the hotel ------.
+    Not too large to give the best of service, and not too small to be
+    uncomfortable."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We feel it to be our patriotic duty to call the attention of the FOOD
+CONTROLLER to the conduct of a well-known restaurant which blatantly
+describes itself on a bill of fare as
+
+    "THE GORGE AND VULTURE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Women lamplighters will shortly be seen in the submarine districts of
+    London."--_Bradford Daily Argus_.
+
+But to prevent disappointment we ought to mention that this phenomenon can
+only be witnessed by the _Argus_-eyed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALSO RAN.
+
+WILLIAM. "ARE YOUR LURING THEM ON, LIKE ME?"          MEHMED. "I'M AFRAID I
+AM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 26th._--The new Member for Roscommon has not yet appeared
+in the House, but he is nevertheless doing his bit more effectively,
+perhaps, than some of his compatriots. The SPEAKER'S ruling is "No seat, no
+salary"; so Count PLUNKETT will have the satisfaction of knowing that by
+his self-sacrificing absence he is paying the expenses of the War for at
+least five seconds.
+
+With suitable solemnity Sir EDWARD CARSON gave a brief account of the
+exploits of the German destroyer squadrons. One of them, comprising several
+vessels, had engaged a single British destroyer for several minutes before
+cleverly executing a strategic movement in the direction of the German
+coast; while another had simultaneously bombarded the strongholds of
+Broadstairs and Margate, completely demolishing two entire houses. The
+damage would have been still more serious but for the fortunate
+circumstance that the fortresses erected on the foreshore last summer by an
+army of youthful workpeople had been subsequently removed.
+
+Any gloom engendered by the fore-going announcement was quickly dissipated
+by Mr. BONAR LAW, who read a telegram from General MAUDE, announcing the
+fall of Kut-el-Amara.
+
+The rest of the afternoon was chiefly occupied by a further combat over the
+merits of Lord FISHER. Although, as Dr. MACNAMARA subsequently remarked,
+"this is not the time for fighting battles along the Whitehall front," I am
+afraid the House thoroughly enjoyed Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S discursive account
+of his relations with the late FIRST SEA LORD, who really seems to be quite
+a forgiving person. At least it is not everybody who, after being greeted
+at a garden-party with "Come here, you wicked old sinner," would afterwards
+invite his accuser to lunch at the Ritz.
+
+In the first statement of policy made by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE after his
+appointment as Prime Minister he said that the primary step towards a
+settlement of an age-long Irish trouble would be the removal of the
+suspicion of Irishmen by Irishmen. Mr. DILLON'S notion of contributing to
+that desirable end is to accuse Sir BRYAN MAHON, who has had to deport
+certain recidivist Sinn Feiners, of being the tool of a Dublin Castle gang.
+Not, of course, that Mr. DILLON is in sympathy with Sinn Feiners; on the
+contrary he dislikes them so much that he would like to keep St. George's
+Channel between them and himself. But by his own speeches he has hypnotized
+himself into the belief that everything done by the British Government in
+Ireland must have a corrupt motive. His colleague from West Belfast is not
+much wiser, to judge by the tone of his speech to-night; and I think Mr.
+DUKE, who is doing his best to reconcile the irreconcilable, must have been
+tempted to adapt one of MR. DILLON'S phrases and to say that Ireland was
+between the DEVLIN and the deep sea.
+
+_Tuesday, February 27._--The capture of Kut has had an exhilarating effect
+upon Lord CREWE. Not long ago he was warning us against excessive
+jubilation over the British advance in that region. Now he justified his
+title by coming out as a regular _Chanticleer_, and invited Lord CURZON to
+tell the assembled Peers that we might be confident of regaining
+predominance in the whole of Mesopotamia.
+
+[Illustration: LORD BUCKMASTER'S DREAM OF A BRIGHTENED HOUSE OF LORDS.]
+
+In these times the Lords can refuse nothing to the Ladies. In moving the
+second reading of a Bill to enable women to become solicitors Lord
+BUCKMASTER may have approached his subject in the spirit of a cautious
+knight-errant, as Lord SUMNER said, but he carried his argument. He owed
+something, perhaps, to the unintentional assistance of his opponents. Lord
+BUCKMASTER had incidentally mentioned that a woman once sat on the
+Woolsack, and there administered such very odd law that the City of London
+rose in mutiny. This shocked the historical sense of Lord HALSBURY, who
+hastened to point out that the lady in question had left the Woolsack for a
+reason entirely creditable to her sex, namely to become the mother of one
+of our greatest Kings. Then Lord FINLAY, who now occupies the seat alleged
+to have been filled by ELEANOR of Provence, endeavoured to frighten their
+Lordships by the thin end of the wedge argument. If women were admitted
+solicitors they would next want to practise at the Bar, and even become
+Judges. But the Peers refused to be intimidated, and gave the Bill a second
+reading.
+
+Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT'S colossal intellect, like the elephant's trunk, can
+grapple with the most minute objects. Yesterday it was the shortage of
+sausage-skins; this afternoon it was the grievance of Scottish bee-keepers,
+who are deprived of sugar for their charges, and compelled to put up with
+medicated candy at twice the price. In spite of the FOOD CONTROLLER, I
+understand that MR. SCOTT has no intention of parting with the very
+promising swarm that he carries in his national headgear.
+
+_Wednesday, February 28th._--Mr. WATT was seized with a bright idea this
+afternoon. The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND had explained to Mr. GINNELL,
+that certain men had been convicted of having attempted to cause
+disaffection by singing disloyal songs. "Will the right hon. and learned
+gentleman give the House a sample?" interjected Mr. WATT. The notion of Mr.
+DUKE, _vir pietate gravis_, if ever there was one, indulging in ribald
+melody, caused much laughter, which was increased when the right hon.
+gentleman in his most portentous manner implied that his only reason for
+not granting the request was fear that the SPEAKER might intervene.
+
+[Illustration: SIR FREDERICK BANBURY AND COLONEL MARK LOCKWOOD CONSULT THE
+WATER LIST.]
+
+A brief recrudescence of the MEUX-CHURCHILL duel was not much to the taste
+of the House, which is evidently of opinion that LORD FISHER might now be
+left alone both by foes and by friends. Members were glad to seek solace in
+the drink question, and gave a sympathetic hearing to the proposal of Mr.
+WING that they should voluntarily submit to the same restricted hours of
+consumption as they had imposed on the outside world. Mr. WING is a
+temperance reformer, but on this occasion he had the redoubtable assistance
+of Mr. GEORGE FABER, a stout friend of the "trade" whose hair had grown
+white, he declared (though in other respects he still looks delightfully
+juvenile), in fighting the Licensing Bill of 1908. In his opinion the House
+could no longer keep itself in a compartment apart--especially as it was
+not a watertight compartment. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, who is naturally a
+champion of cakes--and ale--made a despairing effort to preserve the
+privileges of the Palace of Westminster, but did not carry his protest to a
+division; and after a few valedictory remarks from Colonel LOCKWOOD,
+including two quotations from LUCRETIUS (derived from a crib, as he
+modestly explained), the House unanimously decided that its habits should
+be in conformity with its debates--dry with moist intervals.
+
+_Thursday, March 1st._--Copies of the unexpurgated edition of the Report of
+the Dardanelles Commission marked "confidential" are to be sent to the
+SPEAKER and to the leader of every political party in the House. If Mr.
+BONAR LAW thought by this announcement to allay curiosity he was
+disappointed. Requests for a definition of the term "political party"
+rained upon him from all quarters. It really is a rather nice point. Mr.
+ASQUITH, Mr. REDMOND and Mr. WARDLE will, of course, receive their copies
+of the _editio princeps_. But what about Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who commands
+a bare half-section, even if one includes Mr. T.M. HEALY as odd file? What,
+too, of the Peace-without-Victory party, which is all leaders? The case of
+Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE, which was publicly mentioned, presents little
+difficulty. Much as they love one another, neither is prepared to
+acknowledge the other as his leader.
+
+The greatest crux is furnished by Mr. GINNELL and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING.
+Each of them leads a distinct party, making up by its activity and
+volubility for its comparative lack of size. Logically they may look
+forward to receiving copies of the "confidential" document too sacred for
+the inspection even of Peers and Privy Councillors. But I should not
+encourage them to hope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Maid._ "THE DOCTOR HAS CALLED TO SEE YOU, SIR."
+
+_Government Official (faintly)._ "TELL HIM TO FILL UP A FORM, STATING THE
+NATURE OF HIS BUSINESS AND IF BY APPOINTMENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boss (to typist, a war flapper, who is very late)._ "EH,
+YE'VE COOM AT LAST. WE WERE JUST TALKIN' ABOOT YE."
+
+_Typist._ "AH, I WONDERED WHAT MADE MY EAR BURN." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CLASSICAL AMERICA.
+
+    [A correspondent of _The Westminster Gazette_ remarks in a recent
+    issue, "I am told American students sing their Pindar."]
+
+  A WRITER in the evening Press
+  Lays quite unnecessary stress
+  Upon the fact that youthful scholars,
+  Residing in the land of dollars,
+  Where men are shrewd and level-headed,
+  Sing songs to PINDAR'S verses wedded.
+  Yet why this wonder, when you think
+  How strongly welded is the link
+  That binds Columbia and its glory
+  To lands renowned in classic story?
+  There's hardly any town of note
+  Mentioned by MOMMSEN or by GROTE
+  Except Byzantium, perhaps--
+  Which doesn't figure in our maps.
+  Of Ithacas we have a score,
+  And Troys and Uticas galore;
+  Chicago has a Punic sound,
+  And pretty often, I'll be bound,
+  Austere Bostonians heavenward send a
+  Petition calling her _delenda_;
+  While Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
+  Betray the classicising mania.
+  We have a Capitol, also,
+  As fine as Rome's of long ago;
+  Pompey and Romulus and Remus
+  (I'm not so sure of Polyphemus)
+  Are names with us more often worn
+  Than in the lands where they were born.
+  Then, as true classicists to stamp us,
+  Each College has its separate Campus,
+  And we have Senators whose mien
+  Might well have turned old BRENNUS green.
+  Why even the Bird that proudly soars
+  In majesty to guard our shores
+  Before migrating to these regions
+  Was followed by the Roman legions.
+  But we have writ enough to show
+  What everybody ought to know,
+  That, spite of hustle and skyscrapers,
+  And Tammany and yellow papers,
+  The spirit of both Greece and Rome
+  Has found a second lasting home
+  Across the wide Atlantic foam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More War Economy.
+
+    "Perambulator, cheap, for cash, as new; cost L9 15s., receipt shown;
+    owner getting rid of baby."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Turn to the annals of the period 1914-1917, everlastingly to be
+    remembered by the Meuse of History."--_Jamaica Paper_.
+
+The Meuse needs no reminder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DOING WITHOUT."
+
+A valued correspondent writes:--
+"We are deluged in the Press just now with information on how to 'do
+without.' One morning a splendid recipe for making pancakes without eggs;
+another, a perfect Irish stew without potatoes; another, a Welsh rabbit
+without cheese. Meatless days are to be as natural as wireless telegraphy;
+and the other day we were asked seriously to consider the problem of a
+school without teachers! But there is a certain little corner of the daily
+paper headed, 'London Readings,' which could better, in war-time phrases,
+be expressed thus: 'Stern Facts must be Faced--How to do without Sunshine,'
+for all that the Meteorological expert can find to say is, 'Yesterday
+Sunshine, 0.0. Previous day Sunshine, 0.0.' O! O!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What a Woman Notices.
+
+    "Sears succeeded in cashing two of the cheques at the bank, the woman
+    cashier not noticing that they were crossed. When she came to the bank
+    a third time, however, the cashier recognised the hat she was wearing,
+    and caused her to be detained."--_Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIVILEGE.
+
+Mr. Jenkins, junior partner in the firm of Baldwin and Jenkins, antique
+dealers, Wigpole Street, was in the habit, on fine afternoons, of walking
+home from business to his flat in the Brompton Road.
+
+He invariably chose the path which runs parallel to Park Lane, just inside
+the Park railings.
+
+Being middle-aged and unmarried he walked slowly and methodically, and was
+careful, when he came level with an entrance, to note the particular gates
+marked "In" and "Out." He would, as he crossed the "Out" opening, look
+sharply to the right, and as he passed the "In" opening look sharply to the
+left. "Safety first" was a creed with him.
+
+One mild Spring afternoon, as he was passing by an "Out" aperture, with his
+whole attention fixed to the right, he was aware, amid the sound of
+motor-horns and shouts, that the roadway had risen up and struck him on the
+back of the neck, and that something like the Marble Arch had kicked him at
+the same moment.
+
+A week later Mr. Jenkins recovered consciousness in a beautiful clean ward
+of St. George's Hospital. A smiling nurse stood by his bed and, as he tried
+to sit up, she told him he must be quiet and not disturb the bandages.
+
+"Your friend Mr. Baldwin is coming to see you to-day at two o'clock," she
+told him. "No, it is not serious; you are out of danger. Now you have only
+to be quiet; so when your friend comes you mustn't talk too much."
+
+He lay still and thought, and it all came back to him. "But, good heavens!"
+was his reflection, "that car must have come _in_ by the '_Out_' gate! In
+that case," he continued, not without pleasure, "I can claim damages--very
+severe damages too."
+
+At two o'clock Mr. Baldwin, his grey-bearded friend and partner, entered.
+"Well, Jenkins," said he, "I'm glad to see you've turned the corner. You've
+had rather a narrow squeak."
+
+Mr. Jenkins looked at his friend for a moment. "Look here," he said, "I'm
+not allowed to speak much, but did you know that that car, when it struck
+me, was coming in through an 'Out' gate, and, as that can be proved, don't
+you see that I can get pretty good compensation?"
+
+His friend's face remained solemn. "I fear not," he said.
+
+"But I must," said Jenkins. "It's as clear as can be. Scores of people must
+have seen it."
+
+Mr. Baldwin shook his head horizontally.
+
+"Heavy damages," said Mr. Jenkins, "I repeat."
+
+"I've gone into it," his partner replied, "and it's hopeless."
+
+"Why?" asked the sick man.
+
+"I'll tell you," said Mr. Baldwin. "Because that car belonged to the Duke
+of Mudcaster."
+
+"The more reason," said Mr. Jenkins, "for heavy damages. Very heavy. The
+Duke's rolling."
+
+"Maybe he rolls," said Mr. Baldwin. "But that is not all. Listen. The Duke
+of Mudcaster is the only representative of the Pennecuiks, whose founder
+had the good fortune to be of some service to KING WILLIAM III. For this
+service he and his posterity were allowed the privilege of entering places
+by gates marked 'Out' and leaving by gates marked 'In.'"
+
+Mr. Jenkins sat half up, groaned and subsided again. He said nothing.
+
+"Well, I must say good-bye now," said Mr. Baldwin. "Sorry I've depressed
+you about compensation, but you never had an earthly. See you again soon.
+So long."
+
+For some minutes Mr. Jenkins remained as one stunned. Then he began to
+think again. "I wonder," he said once or twice, for he knew his
+partner,--"I wonder. Could it have been Baldwin himself in his old Ford?
+Could it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_ruminating_). "WHAT A POOR SUPPLY OF GAS THERE
+IS! AH, WELL, I MUSTN'T GRUMBLE. PERHAPS WE ARE ATTACKING WITH GAS AT THE
+FRONT TO-DAY." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a schoolboy's letter:--
+
+    "Please do not send me a cake this term, or it will go to the Red Cross
+    Soldiers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MANAGERESS wanted immediately, small Blouse Factory, Harrogate; able
+    to cut out and control girls."--_Harrogate Advertiser._
+
+She will need to be careful. A girl who has been cut out is apt to be
+uncontrollable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The German KAISER and a wounded Belgian Officer, a Prisoner._)
+
+_The Kaiser._ So, then, you are still in arms against me, still persisting
+in your insane desire for battle and bloodshed? Will nothing content you?
+Must you compel us to continue in our enmity when by a word peace might be
+established between us, and Belgium might take her place at the side of
+Germany as a sister-nation striving with us to promote the cause of true
+civilisation?
+
+_The Belgian._ It is useless, Sir, to say such things to any Belgian.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Why useless? Do you not wish that death and ruin and misery
+should cease?
+
+_The Belgian._ Certainly we do. No one more ardently than the Belgians, for
+it was not we who desired war or began the contest. But when you talk of
+stopping we must remind you that it was by your deliberate choice that war
+was treacherously forced on us. What could we do except defend ourselves
+against the dastardly blow that you aimed at our life? And after that it
+was not by us that Louvain was destroyed, that old men and women and
+children were ruthlessly massacred. Do you think such scenes can be wiped
+out of the memory of a nation, so that her men shall turn round and kiss
+the bloodstained hand that has tried to throttle them? Surely you expect
+too much.
+
+_The Kaiser._ You speak too freely. Remember in whose presence you are.
+
+_The Belgian._ There is not much fear that I shall forget. I am in the
+presence of one who has desired at all costs to concentrate on himself the
+gaze of the world, caring nothing as to the means by which he accomplished
+his object. This man, for he is, after all, only a poor human creature
+prone to anger, suspicion and foolish jealousy--this man has always gone
+about arrogating to himself the attributes of a god, calling upon his own
+people to worship him, and on all other peoples to be humble before him.
+Stung by his own restless vanity and the servile applause of those who are
+ever ready to prostrate themselves before an Emperor, he has rushed hither
+and thither seeking to make others the mere foils of his splendour and his
+wisdom, making mischief wherever he went and striving to irritate and
+depress his neighbours. This man in peace was a bad neighbour, and in war a
+base and treacherous foe, sanctioning by his enthusiastic approval such
+deeds as the meanest villain would have contemplated with shame.
+
+_The Kaiser._ This is too much. I gave you leave to speak, but not to
+revile me. You must not forget that you are in my power.
+
+_The Belgian._ A noble threat! But it is right and proper that men like
+you, who think they are infallible because their cringing flatterers tell
+them so, should sometimes hear the truth. You dare, forsooth, to talk to a
+Belgian of your magnanimity and your desire for peace. Cannot you realise
+that our nation has been tempered by outrage and ruin; that exile and the
+ruthless breaking of their homes only serve to make its men and women more
+resolute; that even if others were to cease fighting against you, and if
+her sword were broken, Belgium would dash its hilt in your face till breath
+and life were driven out of her mangled body; that, in short, we hate you
+for your cruelty and despise you for your baseness; and that for the
+future, wherever there is a Belgian, there is one who is the enemy of the
+thing called KAISER.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Enough, enough. I did not come here to be insulted. If you
+have suffered, you and your nation, it is because you have deserved to
+suffer for having dared to set yourself against Germany, whom our good old
+German god has appointed to lead the way in righteousness to the goal
+marked out for her.
+
+_The Belgian._ Sir, when you speak like that you are no doubt a marvel in
+your own eyes, but to others you are a laughing-stock, a mere scare-crow
+dressed up to resemble a man, a thing of shreds and patches to whom for a
+time the inscrutable decrees of Providence have permitted a dreadful power.
+But we are resolute to endure to the end, and your blandishments will avail
+as little as your threats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY WATCH.
+
+  The Sage who above a Greek signature nightly
+    Emits a succession of eloquent screeds,
+  Instructing us firmly but also politely
+    How best to supply our material needs,
+  Has specially urged us of late, in a shining
+    Example of zeal for his frivolous flock,
+  With the object of "speed" and "precision" combining
+        To "work with our eye on the clock."
+
+  The precept is sound, and its due application
+    Is fraught with undoubted advantage to some,
+  But I'm free to remark that my own situation
+    Represents a recalcitrant re-sidu-um;
+  Clocks I cannot abide with their truculent ticking--
+    A nuisance I always have striven to scotch--
+  And I gain very little assistance in sticking
+        To work, if I'm watching my watch.
+
+  For my watch, which I treasure with ardent affection--
+    'Twas given to me in my juvenile prime--
+  Exhibits a truly uncanny objection
+    To keeping an accurate count of the time;
+  In the matter of speed it's a regular sprinter;
+    Repairs are a farce; it invariably gains;
+  And in Spring and in Autumn, in Summer and Winter
+        Precision it never attains.
+
+  Mathematics to me are a terrible trial,
+    They plague me in age as they floored me in youth,
+  Or I might, when observing the hour on my dial,
+    Allow for the error and guess at the truth.
+  Then why do I keep it? Because it's a mascot,
+    And none of its vices can alter the fact
+  That the very first day that I wore it, at Ascot,
+        Three winners I happily backed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The annual meeting of the Court of Governors of the University of
+    Birmingham was held yesterday at the University, Edmund Street. The
+    Pro-Vice-Chancellor said the University had done its share in the
+    present awful state of Europe."--_Birmingham Daily Post_.
+
+We are sorry to hear this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Government have apparently taken infinite pains to so 'cut their
+    coast according to their cloth' as to provide for the least possible
+    inconvenience and suffering to the people of these islands."--_Cork
+    Constitution._
+
+Thanks to this wise provision there is still just enough coast to go round.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a schoolmasters' conference:--
+
+    "That we should spread our education wider, and not allow a boy to
+    spend too much time on specialising is a good idea, but it is rather
+    difficult to carry out in practice. It means switching the boy's mind
+    from one subject to another. The whole day is spent in this
+    way--switching from one subject to another, and therefore it is very
+    difficult."--_United Empire_.
+
+And it sounds painful too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jock._ "AND ME GIVIN' YON MAN AT THE STATION TWA BAWBEES
+TAE MIND MA GREATCOAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+It is strange to find the inexhaustible Mr. W.E. NORRIS turning towards the
+supernatural. Yet there is at least more than a flavouring of this in the
+composition of _Brown Amber_ (HUTCHINSON), which partly concerns a
+remarkable bead, having the property of bringing good or evil luck to its
+various owners. As (after the manner of such things in stories) the charm
+was for ever being lost, and as the kind of fortune it conferred went in
+alternations, possession of it was rather in the nature of a gamble. All I
+have to observe about it is that such hazards consort somewhat better with
+the world of HANS ANDERSEN or the _Arabian Nights_ than with those quiet
+and well-bred inhabitants of South-Western London whom one has learnt to
+associate with the name of NORRIS. Thus, in considering the nice problem of
+whether _Clement Drake_ (as typical a Norrisian as ever buttoned spats)
+would or would not escape the entanglements of _Mrs. D'Esterre_, it simply
+irritated me to suppose that the event might be determined by the
+machinations of djins. In a word, East is East and S.W. is S.W., and never
+the twain shall, or should, be mixed up in a novel that pretends to
+anything more serious than burlesque. I am not sure also that, for
+different reasons, I did not regret the introduction of the War; though as
+a grand climax it has, I admit, a lure that must be almost irresistible to
+the novelist. For the rest, if you do not share my objection to the (dare I
+say it?) amberdexterity of the plot, you will find Mr. NORRIS as pleasant
+as ever in his scenes of drawing-room comedy.
+
+A volume of remarkable interest is _In Ruhleben _(HURST AND BLACKETT), into
+which Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN has gathered a variety of information concerning
+the life of the English civilian prisoners in Germany, its many hardships
+and few ameliorations. The greater part of the book is filled with a series
+of letters sent by one of these prisoners to his mother. Perhaps (one
+suspects) the writer of these was not altogether an ordinary young man.
+From whatever reason, the fact remains that his letters are by no means
+uncheery reading; his books and study, most of all his friendships (with
+one fellow-captive especially), seem to have kept him contented and even
+happy. Of course some part of this may well have been coloured for the
+maternal eye; it is clear that he was greatly concerned that she should not
+be too anxious about him. A more impartial picture of the conditions at
+Ruhleben is given in the second part of the volume, and in a letter by Sir
+TIMOTHY EDEN, reprinted from _The Times_, on The Case for a wholesale
+Exchange of Civilian Prisoners. I should add that the book is illustrated
+with a number of drawings of Ruhleben made by Mr. STANLEY GRIMM, an artist
+of the Expressionist School (whatever that may mean). These are vigorous
+and arresting, if, to the unmodern eye, somewhat formless. But they are
+part of a record that all Englishmen can study with quickened sympathy and
+a great pride in the courage and resource of our race under conditions
+needlessly brutal at their worst, and never better than just endurable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing will ever persuade me that _This Way Out_ (METHUEN) is an
+attractive title for a novel, however effective it may be as a notice in a
+railway station. The book itself, however, is intriguing in spite of its
+gloominess. The grandfather of _Jane_ and _John-Andrew Vaguener_ committed
+a most cold-blooded murder--this in a prologue. Then, when we get to the
+real story, we find _Jane_ tapping out popular fiction at an amazing pace,
+and her brother, _John-Andrew_, living on the proceeds thereof. _Jane_ is
+noisy, vulgar, and successful in her own line, and gets on _John-Andrew's_
+nerves; and when he discovers that she has for once turned aside from
+tawdry fiction and written a play that is really good he decides that he
+can stand it and her no longer. While she was pouring out literary garbage
+he could just manage to endure his position, but the thought that she would
+be hailed as a genius while he remained an utter failure was the final
+stroke that turned him from a mendicant into a madman. I am not going to
+tell you exactly what happened, but _Jane_ found a "way out," and with her
+departure from this life my interest in the book evaporated. Mrs. HENRY
+DUDENEY has notable gifts as a descriptive writer, and my only complaint
+against her is that vulgar _Jane_ was not allowed to live, for in the Army
+or out of it she was worth a whole platoon of _John-Andrews_. The
+_Vagueners_, I may add, were not a little mad, but then they were Cornish,
+and novelists persist in treating Cornwall as if it were a delirious duchy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I don't think I can honourably recommend Mr. HUGH ELLIOT'S volume on
+_Herbert Spencer_ (CONSTABLE) as light reading, though the ungodly may wax
+merry over the philosopher's first swear-word, at the age of thirty-six, in
+the matter of a tangled fishing-line, and may be kindled at the later
+picture of a middle-aged sportsman shinning, effectively too, after a
+Neapolitan who had pinched his opera-glasses. Fine human traits these in a
+character which will strike the normal man as bewilderingly unlike the
+general run of the species. The serious-flippant reader, tackling Mr.
+ELLIOT'S elaborate and acute analyses, may get an impression of an
+obstinate old apriorist, a sort of White Knight of Philosophyland, with all
+manner of reasoned-out "inventions" at his saddle-bow (labelled
+"Homogeneity-Heterogeneity," "Unknowable," "Ghost Theory,"
+"Presentative-Representative"), which don't seem, somehow, as helpful as
+their inventor assumes. And 'tis certain he took tosses into many of the
+pits of his dangerous deductive method. I don't present this as Mr.
+ELLIOT'S view. He is respectful-critical, and makes perhaps the best case
+for his old master's claim to greatness out of the assumption that SPENCER
+himself, stark enemy to authority and dogmatism, would have preferred his
+biographer's critical examination to any mere "master's-voice" reproduction
+of Spencerian doctrine. I wonder if he would!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss F.E. MILLS YOUNG'S newest story has at least this much merit about it,
+that no one who has seen the title can complain thereafter of having been
+taken unawares by the course of the narrative. That is perhaps as well,
+for, having discovered in the opening chapters a sufficiently charming
+_Pamela_ living in perpetual honeymoon with a partner rich, good-looking
+and with no particular occupation to interfere with unlimited motor trips
+and dinner parties, we might have imagined the tale was going to remain a
+jolly meaningless thing like that all through, and so have been as much
+shocked as the heroine herself on reading the fatal letter. But, since we
+knew the book to be called straight out _The Bigamist_ (LANE), we could
+have no possible difficulty in foreseeing the emergence of that other wife
+from the buried past ready to pounce down on poor little _Pam_ at her
+happiest. And of course she duly appeared. Not that such happiness could in
+any case have lasted long, for the man was, flatly, a cur, not deserving
+the notice of any of the rather foolish women he managed to attract--there
+were three of them--and not particularly worth your attention either for
+that matter. Having said so much I can gladly leave the rest to your
+perusal, or, better perhaps, your imagination, only hinting that the
+conclusion has something of dignity that does a little to redeem the
+volume. But when all is said this is not Miss YOUNG at her best, the
+characters without exception being unusually stilted, the plot unpleasant,
+and the South African atmosphere, for which I have gladly praised her
+before now, so negligible that but for an occasional name and a page or two
+of railway journey the yarn might as well have been placed in a suburb of
+London or Manchester as in the land of delectable sunshine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN S. MARGERISON, in _The Sure Shield_ (DUCKWORTH) sees to it that
+our national pride in our Fleet is thoroughly encouraged. Whether he is
+describing a race against the Germans in times of peace, or a fight against
+odds with them in these days of war, we always come out top dog. Very good.
+But, at the same time, I am bound to add that some of his stories compelled
+me to make considerable drafts on my reserves of credulity before I could
+swallow them. So improbable are the incidents in one or two of them that I
+am inclined to believe that they must be founded on fact. However that may
+be, their author is an expert in his subject, and writes with a vigour that
+is very bracing and infectious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tactful Customer (forestalling a rebuff at a coal order
+office)._ "OF COURSE, MISS, I DON'T EXPECT THAT YOU REALLY _SELL_ COALS,
+BUT I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD HAVE NO OBJECTION TO MAKING THEM A SUBJECT FOR
+CONVERSATION?" ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Music in Mesopotamia.
+
+Among the songs which have recently exhausted their popularity in the
+music-halls of Baghdad is:--
+
+  "Come into the Garden of Eden, MAUDE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The White Star Company, the Dominion Shipping Company, and other
+    Atlantic lines are now arranging to employ a certain number of Sea
+    Scouts on their boats. The shipping companies will certainly be
+    ducky."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+Or perhaps they may even happen upon a DRAKE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, March 7, 1917., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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