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diff --git a/14966.txt b/14966.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..18a1044 --- /dev/null +++ b/14966.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1978 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +March 7, 1917., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 7, 1917. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +March 7th, 1917. + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"A motor car repairer," says Mr. Justice BRAY, "is like a plumber. Once you +get him into the house you cannot get him out."... Unless, of course, you +show him a burst bath pipe, when he will immediately go out to fetch his +mate. + + *** + +According to Herr WILDRUBE, a member of the Reichstag, Germans should +"rejoice at the departure of Mr. GERARD and his pro-Entente espionage +bureau." They have some rubes in the U.S.A., but nothing quite so wild as +this. + + *** + +An historical film, called "The Discovery of Germany," is being exhibited +widely through the Fatherland under the auspices of the Government. A +further discovery of Germany--that she has been fatally misled by her +rulers--has not at present received the approval of the Imperial House. + + *** + +The German Army authorities have issued an urgent warning to the public not +to discuss military matters. Their own communiques are to be taken as a +model of the right kind of reticence. + + *** + +An American film syndicate have overcome their difficulty in finding a man +to take the place of CHARLIE CHAPLIN. They have decided to do without. + + *** + +In Vienna, so as not to infuriate the indigent poor, tables are no longer +placed near the window of the dearer restaurants. Similar establishments in +Germany for the same reason were long ago made sound-proof. + + *** + +We note that German and Turkish diplomats have been engaged in conference +for the purpose of drawing the two countries closer together. Any little +pressure from outside (as on the Tigris and the Ancre) is doubtless welcome +as contributing to this end. + + *** + +"The right way to dissipate the submarine nightmare" is how a contemporary +describes the new restrictions on imports. The embargo on tinned lobster +should certainly have that effect. + + *** + +A museum is to be established at Stuttgart "to interest the masses of the +people in overseas Germans and their conditions of life." Several Foreign +Governments, it is understood, have expressed their willingness to supply +specimens in any reasonable quantity. + + *** + +Lively satisfaction is being expressed among members of the younger set at +the appointment of Mr. ALFRED BIGLAND, M.P., as Controller of Soap. They +are now discussing a resolution calling for the abolition of nurse-maids, +who are notorious for using soap to excess. + + *** + +A Bill has been introduced into the House of Lords with the object of +admitting women to practise as solicitors. The raising of the statutory fee +for a consultation to 6_s._ 83/4_d._ is also under consideration. + + *** + +At Old Street Police Court a man charged with bigamy pleaded that when a +child he had a fall which affected his head. It is not known why other +bigamists do it. + + *** + +At Haweswater, Westmoreland, some sheep were recently dug out alive after +being buried in a snow-drift forty days. It is thought that a morbid fear +of being sold as New Zealand mutton caused the animals to make a supreme +struggle for life. + + *** + +A lady correspondent of _The Daily Telegraph_ suggests that tradesmen +should economise paper by ceasing to send out a separate expression of +thanks with every receipted bill. A further economy is suggested by a +hardened creditor, who advocates the abolition of the absurd custom of +sending out a quarterly statement of "account rendered." + + *** + +Beer bottles are now said to be worth more than the beer they contain, and +apprehension is being felt lest the practice shall develop of giving away +the contents to those who consent to return the empty bottles. + + *** + +Difficulty having been found in replacing firemen called up for military +service, the Hendon Council, it is rumoured, are requesting the residents +not to have any conflagrations for the present at least. + + *** + +Mr. JOHN INNS, of Stevenage, has just purchased the whole parish of +Caldecote, Herts; but the report that he had to do this in order to obtain +a pound of sugar proves incorrect. + + * * * * * + + +NOTICE. + +In order to meet the national need for economy in the consumption of paper, +the Proprietors of _Punch_ are compelled to reduce the number of its pages, +but propose that the amount of matter published in _Punch_ shall by +condensation and compression be maintained and even, it is hoped, +increased. + +It is further necessary that means should be taken to restrict the +circulation of _Punch_, and on and after March 14th its price will be +Sixpence. The Proprietors believe that the public will prefer an increase +of price to a reduction of matter. + +Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for the regular +delivery of copies, as _Punch_ may otherwise be unobtainable, the shortage +of paper making imperative the withdrawal from Newsagents of the +"on-sale-or-return" privilege. + +In consequence of the increase in the price of _Punch_ the period covered +by subscriptions already paid direct to the _Punch_ Office will have to be +proportionately shortened. + + * * * * * + +APOLOGY OF A WARRIOR MINSTREL. + + Lucasta, don't be cruel + If my bewildered lyre + Amidst such stores of fuel + Seems reft of sacred fire. + + For if you know what France is + You know how it is hard + To blend, as in romances, + The warrior with the bard. + + The troubadours of story + Knew no such woes as we, + Whose hopes of martial glory + Are built on F.A.T.[1] + + With songs and swords and horses + They learned their careless role, + While we are sent on courses + That starve the poet's soul. + + With gay anticipations + They feasted ere a fight, + But we in calculations + Wear out the chilly night. + + And if some hour of leisure + Permits a lyric mood + My wretched Muse takes pleasure + In nothing else but food. + + Thus when I am returning + Ice-cold from some O.P., + And in the East is burning + Aurora's heraldry, + + That spark she fails to waken + With which of yore I glowed, + Who, fain of eggs and bacon, + Tramp ravening down the road, + + Aware, with self-despising, + Which interests me most-- + The silvery mists a-rising + Or marmalade and toast. + + Such are the War-bard's passions-- + Rank seedlings of a time + That chokes with maths and rations + The bursting buds of rhyme. + + [1]: Field Artillery Training + + * * * * * + +A ROMANCE OF RATIONS. + + "Not like to like, but like in difference." + "_The Princess._" + +I have always misjudged Victorine--I admit it now with shame. While other +girls have become engaged--and disengaged quite soon after--she has +remained unattached and solitary. As I watched the disappointed suitors +turn sadly away I put it down to pride and self-sufficiency, but I was +wrong. I see now that she always had the situation well in hand. + +As for Algernon, he is the sort of man who writes sonnets to lilies and +butterflies and the rosy-fingered dawn--this last from hearsay as he really +knows nothing about it. He is prematurely bald and suffers from the +grossest form of astigmatism, and I thought that no woman would ever love +him. I never dreamt that Victorine had even noticed he was there. + +One day I heard that they were engaged. It was too hard for me to +understand. + +On the third morning I went to see her. + +"Victorine," I said, "you have never loved before?" + +"Never," she assented softly. + +"Now, this man you have chosen--you do not care overmuch for lilies and +butterflies and rosy-fingered dawns?" + +"Not overmuch," she admitted sadly. + +"Then what is it brings you together? What strange link of the spirit has +been forged between you? To speak quite plainly, what do you see in him?" + +"Yesterday we lunched together, and two days before that he got here in +time for breakfast." + +"And the engagement still holds?" I am no optimist. + +"Before that we dined. Yes, I do not exaggerate. It was my suggestion. One +sees so much unhappiness now-a-days, and I wished to be quite sure we were +suited to one another." + +"And you are convinced of the sincerity of the attachment?" + +"Why, I feel for him as Mother does for the knife-and-boot boy, and Uncle +Stephen for the charlady. We cannot be separated. It would be monstrous." + +I ceased to be articulate. Victorine suddenly became radiant. + +"We must always be together--at any rate for the duration of the War, you +see. I eat under my meat and he is over. In flour and sugar--oh, how can I +confess it?--I _exceed_. He is far, far below his ration. Apart we are +failures; together we are perfect. We both saw it at once." + +I realised suddenly the inevitability of this mutual bond. + +"So marriage is the only thing?" I asked; but I was already conquered. + +She assented with a regal air. + +As I went away I saw a new and strange beauty in the problem of Food +Shortage. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION. + +IV. + +The Farmer's Boy (New Style). + + The Hun was set on making us fret + For lack of food to eat, + When up there ran a City man + In gaiters trim and neat-- + Oh, just tell me if a farm there be + Where I can get employ, + To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O, + And he a farmer's boy, + And be a farmer's boy. + + "In khaki dight my juniors fight-- + I wish that I could too; + But since the land's in need of hands + There's work for me to do; + Though you call me a 'swell,' I would labour well-- + I'm aware it's not pure joy-- + To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O + And be a farmer's boy, + And be a farmer's boy." + + The farmer quoth, "I be mortal loth, + But the farm 'tis goin' back, + And I do declare as I can't a-bear + Any farming hands to lack; + So if you've got grit and be middlin' fit + An'll larn to cry, 'Ut hoy!' + And to plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O, + You shall be a farmer's boy, + You shall be a farmer's boy." + + Bold farmers all, obey the call + Of townsfolk game and gay! + And you City men put by the pen + And hear me what I say:-- + Get straight enrolled with a farmer bold, + And the Hun you'll straight annoy, + If you plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O + And be a farmer's boy, + And be a farmer's boy. + + * * * * * + +The Sex-Problem Again. + + "FOR SALE.--A 3-year-old Holstein gentleman cow."--_Canadian Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "A Liverpool master carter told the Tribunal that the last 'substitute' + sent him for one of his men backed a horse down a tip and landed him in + an expense of L50."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +Many men have lost more by backing a horse _on_ a tip. + + * * * * * + +A Bare Outlook. + + "THINGS YOU HAVE GOT TO DO WITHOUT. + CLOTHES AND FOOD."--_Daily Sketch_. + +This seems to bring the War even closer than the PREMIER intended. + + * * * * * + +MORE OR LESS. + +The fleet of Dutch merchantmen which has been sunk by a waiting submarine +sailed, it now appears, under a German guarantee of "relative security": +and the incident has been received in Holland with a widespread outburst of +relative acquiescence. Germany, in the little ingenious arrangements that +she is so fond of making for the safety and comfort of her neighbours, is +so often misunderstood. It should be obvious by this time that her attitude +to International Law has always been one of approximate reverence. The +shells with which she bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent shells, +and the _Lusitania_ was sunk by a relative torpedo. + +Neutrals all over the world who are smarting just now under a fresh +manifestation of Germany's respective goodwill should try to realise before +they take any action what is the precise situation of our chief enemy. He +has (relatively) won the War; he has (virtually) broken the resistance of +the Allies; he has (conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in +particular, he is (morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight +appear to be pretty heavily involved, but that will soon be adjusted by +(hypothetical) indemnities; he has enormous (proportional) reserves of men; +he has (theoretically) blockaded Great Britain, and his final victory is +(controvertibly) at hand. + +But his most impressive argument, which cannot fail to come home to +hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latest exhibition of offensive +power, namely, in his (putative) advance upon the Ancre. + + * * * * * + +Realism. + +From a cinema announcement:-- + + "The management regret that 'The Lost Bridegroom' missed the boat on + Sunday."--_Guernsey Evening Express_. + + * * * * * + +A Family Affair. + +From an account of a "gift sale": + + "Alderman ---- advised the Committee to sell the donkey in the evening, + when there would be a lot present."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +More Impending Apologies. + +I. + +"Mr. ---- writes from New Cross:--'Sir,--I was pleased to see that you do not +intend increasing the price of 'The Daily News,' and hope that you will not +have to reconsider your decision. If necessary I, for one, would be quite +content with four pages only."--_Daily News_. + +II. + +"The nurses who have a seven minutes' walk to their home quarters, have +never had a rude word said to them, 'even,' she added, 'when they have had +too much to drink.'"--_Daily Province (Vancouver, B.C.)_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE FREEDOM OF THE SEA." + +HOLLAND. "YOU'VE TAKEN A GREAT LIBERTY WITH ME." + +GERMANY. "OF COURSE I HAVE. I'M THE APOSTLE OF LIBERTY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THEATRE OF WAR.] + + * * * * * + +THE SOLACE. + +Mr. William Wood, grocer, of Acton, was very tired. And no wonder, for not +only had he lost his two assistants, both having been called up, but the +girls who had taken their places were frivolous and slow. Moreover his +errand boy had that day given notice. And, furthermore, the submarine +campaign was making it every day more difficult to keep up the stock, and +the rise in prices meant anything but the commensurate increase of profit +of which he was accused by indignant customers. + +Mr. Wood, therefore, was not sorry when, the shutters up, he could retire +to his sitting-room upstairs and rest. His one hobby being reading, and his +favourite form of literature being Lives and Letters, he had normally no +difficulty in dismissing the shop from his mind. He would open the latest +memoir from the library and lose himself in whatever society it +reconstructed, political for choice. But to-night the solace could not so +easily be found. For one thing, he had no new books; for another, the cares +of business were too recent and too real. + +He sank into his armchair, covered his eyes with his hand, and pondered. + +Then suddenly he had an idea. If there were no letters of the Great to +read, he would himself write to the Great and thus escape grocerdom and +worry. If he were not a person of importance, he would at least pretend to +be, and thus be comforted. + +Seating himself at the table and taking up his pen, he composed with +infinite care the following chapter from a biography of himself:-- + +The year 1916 was a comparatively uneventful one in the life of our hero. +The principal events were the marriage of his youngest daughter with the +son of the Bishop of Brighton and the rebuilding of The Towers after the +fire. Perhaps the most important of his new friends were the Archbishop of +CANTERBURY and Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, but unfortunately Sir HEDWORTH has not +kept any of the letters. Nor is there much correspondence; but a few +letters may be printed here, all testifying to the multifarious interests +of this remarkable man, who not only knew everyone worth knowing, but +projected himself into their careers with so much sympathy and keenness. +The first is to the then Prime Minister:-- + +_To the Right Hon. H.H. ASQUITH, M.P._ + +MY DEAR ASQUITH,--This is only a line to remind you that you lunch with me +at the Primrose Club on Monday at one o'clock. I have asked two or three +friends to meet you, all good fellows. With regard to that matter on which +you were asking my advice, I think that the wisest course at present is (to +use the phrase, now a little stale, which I invented for you) to wait and +see. Let me say that I thought your speech at the Guildhall a fine effort. +Kindly remember me to the wife and Miss ELIZABETH, and believe me, + + Yours sincerely, + WILLIAM WOOD. + +P.S.--I wish you would call me William. I always think of you as Herbert. + +_To the Earl of ROSEBERY._ + +MY DEAR ROSEBERY,--It is a great grief to me to have to decline your kind +invite to Dalmeny, but there is an obstacle I cannot overcome. My youngest +daughter is to be married next week to the son of the Bishop of Brighton, a +most well-bred young fellow with perfect manners. Nothing but the necessity +of my presence at the feast of Hymen could deprive me of the pleasure of +seeing your country place. Do not stay away too long, I beg. The town is +dull without you. + + I am, dear ROSEBERY, + Yours most affectionately, + WILLIAM WOOD. + +_To Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING._ + +MY DEAR KIPLING,--Just a line to say how much I admire your poem in this +morning's _Times_. You have never voiced the feeling of the moment with +more force or keener insight. But you will, I am sure, pardon me when I say +that in the fifty-eighth stanza there is a regrettable flaw, which could +however quickly be put right. To me, that fine appeal to Monaco to give up +its neutrality is impaired by the use of the word "cope," which I have +always understood should be avoided by good writers. "Deal" has the same +meaning and is a truer word. You will, I am sure, agree with me in this +criticism when you have leisure to think it over. + +Believe me, my dear KIPLING, + + Yours sincerely, + WILLIAM WOOD. + +_To His Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY._ + +MY DEAR ARCHBISHOP,--That was a very delightful dinner you gave me last +night, and I was glad to have the opportunity of meeting Lord MORLEY and +discussing with him the character of MARLBOROUGH. While not agreeing with +everything that Lord MORLEY said, I am bound to admit that his views +impressed me. Some day soon you must bring her Ladyship down to The Towers +for a dine and sleep. + + I am, my dear Archbishop, + Yours cordially, + WILLIAM WOOD. + +_To Lord NORTHCLIFFE._ + +MY DEAR ALFRED,--You cannot, I am sure, do better than continue in the +course you have chosen. What England needs is a vigilant observer from +without; and who, as I have so often told you, is better fitted for such a +part than you? You have all the qualities--high mobility, the courage to +abandon convictions, and extreme youth. If you lack anything it is perhaps +ballast, and here I might help you. Ring me up at any time, day or night, +and I will come to you, just as I used to do years ago when you were +beginning. + + Think of me always as + Yours very sincerely, + WILLIAM WOOD. + +_To Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO._ + +MY DEAR PINERO,--I am glad you liked my suggestion and are already at work +upon it. No one could handle it so well as you. I write now because it has +occurred to me that the proper place for Lord Scudamore to disown his +guilty wife and for her impassioned reply is not, as we had it, the spare +room, but the parlour. + + I am, dear old fellow, + Always yours to command, + WILLIAM WOOD + +Having written thus far, Mr. William Wood went to bed, perfectly at peace +with himself and the world. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Friend (to Professor, whose lecture, "How to Stop the War," +has just concluded)_. "CONGRATULATE YOU, OLD MAN--WENT SPLENDIDLY, AT ONE +TIME DURING THE AFTERNOON I WAS RATHER ANXIOUS FOR YOU." + +_Professor._ "THANKS. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SO +CONCERNED ON MY BEHALF." + +_Friend._ "WELL, A RUMOUR _DID_ GO ROUND THE ROOM THAT THE WAR WOULD BE +OVER BEFORE YOUR LECTURE." ] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT BETRAYAL. + + 'Twas night, and near the Boreal cliff + The monarch in seclusion lay, + A wondrous human hieroglyph, + Worshipped from Chile to Cathay; + When lo! a cry, "Sire, up and fly! + The pirate ships are in the bay!" + + "Begone, ye cravens," straight replied + The monarch with his eyes ablaze; + "No pirate on the ocean wide + Can fright me, for I know their ways. + Shall I do less in times of stress + Than soldiers who have earned My praise? + + "Yet stay," he paused awhile, and then-- + "Let messengers the country scour + On pain of death forbidding men + To speak, in hut or hall or tower, + Of what I said this night of dread, + Or where I spent its darkest hour." + + Swift flew the minions to obey; + The wearied monarch slumbered late; + Yet, in the Capital next day, + Writ large upon his palace gate, + A mighty scroll to every soul + Blazoned the words that challenged Fate. + + The monarch's rage surpassed all bounds + When of this treachery he read; + A price of several million pounds + Was placed upon the miscreant's head; + But sceptics jibe--an odious tribe-- + And swear that he will die in bed. + + * * * * * + +A New Way to Pay Old Debts. + + "The Inventor of British and American Patents is desirous to Sell or + License to Manufacturers, &c., &c.... The above Inventor and Patentee + will be greatly obliged if anyone that he owes money to will forward + the amount not later than this month, otherwise he will not acknowledge + after."--_Financial Times._ + + * * * * * + + "LITTLE WAR PICTURES. + A NOBLE ARMY OF OPTIMISTS IN TRANCE."--_Straits Times (Singapore)._ + +We wish our pessimists would join them. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LVII. + +My Dear Charles,--St. John, in 1914 a light-hearted lieut., advancing and +retiring with his platoon as an all-seeing Providence or a short-spoken +Company Commander might direct, and in 1915 a Brass-hat with a vast amount +of knowledge and only a hundred buff slips or so to write it down on, is +now Second in Command of his regiment. He tells me he is encamped with his +little lot on the forward slope of a muddy and much pitted ravine. On the +opposite slope are some nasty noisy guns, and at the bottom of the ravine +are the cookers. + +When, after much forethought, he has found something to do and has begun +doing it, there is a cry of "Stand clear!" and, with that prudence which +even an Englishman will learn if you do not hustle him but give him a year +or two to find by experience that care should sometimes be taken, all get +to earth. The guns fire; the neighbourhood heaves and readjusts itself, and +a man may then come out again. By the time, however, he has collected his +senses and his materials there is another "Stand clear!" and back he must +go to earth. This is what is technically known as Rest. + +It was not good enough for one of the battalion cooks. No man can do +justice to a mess of pottage by lying on his belly at a distance and +frowning at it. After many movements to and fro, he eventually said be +damned to guns and "Stand clears;" stood on the top of his cooker (there +was nowhere else to stand), and, holding a dixie lid in his hand and +bestowing on the contents of the dixie that encouraging smile without which +no stew can stew, defied all the artillery of the B.E.F. to do its worst. +It did. + +The cook recovered to find himself among his dixies, frizzling pleasantly +and browning nicely in certain parts. Even so, professional interests +over-came any feeling of personal injury. Rising majestically, he stepped +down and advanced upon the nearest gun crew. "Now you've done it, you +blighters!" he shouted, waving an angry fist at them. "You've been and gone +and blown all the pork out of the beans." + +The same man went on holiday to the neighbouring town, which is in reality +an ordinarily dull and dirty provincial place, but to the tired warrior is +a haven of rest and a paradise of gaiety and good things. Here he came into +contact with the local A.P.M. in the following way. The latter was in his +office after lunch, brooding no doubt, when in came a French policeman +greatly excited in French. There was, it appeared, promise of a commotion +at the Hotel de Ville. A British soldier had got mixed up in the queue of +honest French civilians who were waiting outside for the delivery of their +legal papers. There were no bi-linguists present, but it had been made +quite clear to the Britisher that he must go, and it had been made quite +clear by the Britisher that he should stay. Always outside the Hotel de +Ville at 2.30 of an afternoon was this queue of natives, each waiting his +turn to be admitted to the joyless sanctum of the Commissaire, there to +receive those illegible documents without which no French home is complete. +Never before had a British soldier fallen in with them, and, when requested +to dismiss, showed signs of being obstreperous. + +The A.P.M. buckled on his Sam Browne belt and prepared for the worst, which +he assumed to be but another example of the frailty of human nature when +suddenly confronted with unaccustomed luxuries. When he got to his prey he +found him not quite in the state expected. Usually at the sight of an +A.P.M. a soldier, whatever the strength of his case, will express regret, +promise reform, and make ready to pass on. This one stood his ground; on no +account would he leave the queue. He explained to the A.P.M. that he was +too used to the manifold and subtle devices of people who wanted to snaffle +other people's places in queues. He was however quite prepared to parley, +and was only too glad to find a fellow-countryman, speaking the right +language and having the right sense of justice, to parley with. + +He said he had taken his proper place in the line, with no attempt to +hustle or jostle anyone else. He meant to do no one any harm, and he was +prepared to pay the due price, in current French notes, whatever it might +be. But having got his place by right he refused to give it up to anyone +else, be he French or English, Field Officer or even gendarme. He had been +excessively restrained in resisting the unscrupulous attempts of the +gendarme to dislodge him. If he had made any threat of knocking the +gendarme down he had not really intended to take that course. The threat +was only a formal reply to the gendarme's proposal to stick a sword through +his middle. + +He was, he said most emphatically, not drunk. If the A.P.M., in whom he had +all confidence, would occupy his place in the queue and keep it for him, he +would demonstrate this by a practical test. In any case he ventured to +insist on his point. Without claiming any special privileges for a man +fighting and cooking for his country, he claimed the right of any human +being, whatever his nationality, to witness any cinema show which might be +in progress. + +The underlying good qualities of both nations were evidenced in the sequel. +When the A.P.M. had interpreted the matter the gendarme insisted on an +embrace, and the cook permitted it. Later, I have reason to believe, they +witnessed a most moving cinema play together, but not in the Commissaire's +office at the Hotel de Ville. + + Yours ever, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +I. + +CAUSE AND EFFECT. + +It hadn't rained for forty days and forty nights. + +"The reason it doesn't rain," said the guinea-fowl, "is that the barometer +is very high." + +But no one listened to her. + +"The reason is," said the duck with the black wings, "that the pond is +nearly empty. When the pond is empty it doesn't rain." + +"It's the hen-house," said the black hen. "Whenever the roof drips there is +rain." + +"It is certainly the hen-house," said all the hens. + +"It comes from the trees," said the turkey. "The leaves drip and then there +is rain, and the more they drip the heavier it rains." + +"It is my kennel," chuckled Bruno, the wise old dog. "The more it leaks the +more it rains." + +At that very moment it began to rain in torrents. + +"The pond is full," quacked the ducks. "Look at the pond." + +"Oh, do look at the hen-house roof--dripping!" shrieked the hens. + +"The leaves--look at the leaves," gurgled the turkeys. + +"And my kennel leaks. I can feel it on my back," chuckled Bruno. + +"The barometer has gone down," said the guinea-fowl. + +But no one took any notice of her--quite properly. + + * * * * * + +The Housing Problem. + + "Three chicken coops, also pigeon-house, for pole; suitable for + lady."--_The Lady_. + + * * * * * + +The Open-Air Cure. + + "The _Telegraaf_ learns from its correspondent at the frontier that on + yesterday (Monday) afternoon a fresh air attack was made on + Zeebrugge."--_Morning Post_. + +A pleasant change from stuffy shells. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FEMININE. + +"THAT SHADE. WOULDN'T 'ALF SUIT ME." + +"LOR LUMMY, LIL! WOT TISTE--AN' YOU A BLONDE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE MILL. + + [Most of our water-mills have fallen into decay and disuse owing to the + unsuitability of their machinery to grind imported grain. Will the + revival of English grain production bring about a renewal of their + usefulness?] + + As by the pool I wandered that lies so clear and still + With tall old trees about it, hard by the silent mill + Whose ancient oaken timbers no longer creak and groan + With roar of wheel and water, and grind of stone on stone, + + The idle mill-race slumbered beneath the mouldering wheel, + The pale March sunlight gilded no motes of floating meal, + But the stream went singing onward, went singing by the weir-- + And this, or something like it, was the song I seemed to hear:-- + + "By Teviot, Tees and Avon, by Esk and Ure and Tweed, + Here's many a trusty henchman would rally to your need; + By Itchen, Test and Waveney, by Tamar, Trent and Ouse, + Here's many a loyal servant will help you if you choose. + + "Do they no longer need us who needed us of yore? + We stood not still aforetime when England marched to war; + Like those our wind-driven brothers, far seen o'er weald and fen, + We ground the wheat and barley to feed stout Englishmen. + + "You call the men of England, their strength, their toil, their gold, + But us you have not summoned, who served your sires of old; + For service high or humble, for tribute great and small, + You call them and they answer--but us you do not call. + + "Yet we no hoarded fuel of mine or well require, + That drives your fleets to battle or lights the poor man's fire; + We need no white-hot furnace for tending night and day, + No power of harnessed lightnings to speed us on our way. + + "By Tavy, Dart and Derwent, by Wharfe and Usk and Nidd, + Here's many a trusty vassal is yours when you shall bid, + With the strength of English rivers to push the wheels along + And the roar of many a mill-race to join the victory song." + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + + "The Berlin Municipality has issued the following order. 'Despite the + present unfavourable conditions of production, it has become possible + that from Friday this week one shss will be available for every citizen + of Berlin,'"--_Egyptian Gazette_. + +Judging by the mystery surrounding it we infer that "shss" must be some +kind of sausage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOOD RESTRICTION. + +SCENE: _Hotel._ + +_Little Girl._ "OH, MUMMY! THEY'VE GIVEN ME A DIRTY PLATE." + +_Mother._ "HUSH, DARLING. THAT'S THE SOUP."] + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +"MINSTREL BOY."--You are confusing TENNYSON'S "Brook" with the Tigris. Also +it is the Turkish Army and not the river (which flows the other way) that +is speaking in the famous lines-- + + "I come from haunts of Kut (return); + I make a sudden sally." + +"ANXIOUS INQUIRER."--No, we are without reliable news of FERDIE. But it is +rumoured that he is preparing to conform to the general movement of the +Central Allied Powers, and is therefore taking a little gentle running +exercise in the Vulpedrome at Vienna. + +"V.T.C."--We rejoice with you that already--not more than 21/2 years since +the revival of the Volunteer Force--the War Office has recognised the +desirability of giving the Volunteer a rifle to shoot with; and it now +seems almost certain that he will receive one, _free of charge_, before the +conclusion of peace. We welcome this wise and generous decision, for though +we have never pretended to be a military authority we have always held the +view that in a tight corner a man with a rifle has an appreciable advantage +over an unarmed man. + +"FORTUNE-TELLER."--Like you, we are greatly impressed by the convincing +arguments advanced by our military experts in support of the view that the +Germans are likely to put forth a great effort this year at some point on +one of their fronts; and we share your belief that the time has come when +the Government should supply a long-felt want by establishing a Department +of Intelligent Anticipation. It is a happy suggestion of yours to offer, +for a reasonable consideration, to place at the disposal of such a +Department your admirably-equipped premises in Bond Street. + +"SCHNAPPS."--The correct version is:-- + + "In the matter of U-Boats the fault of the Dutch + Is protesting too little and standing too much." + +"CARILLON."--You ask how the Germans will manage for their joy-peals now +that the military authorities have commandeered the church bells. It was +very bright of you to think of this. The answer is that, in view of +pressing national needs, they are going to give up having victories. After +all, this is an age of sacrifice. EDITOR. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + + "Abandon housekeeping and live in comfort at the hotel ------. + Not too large to give the best of service, and not too small to be + uncomfortable."--_Morning Paper_. + + * * * * * + +We feel it to be our patriotic duty to call the attention of the FOOD +CONTROLLER to the conduct of a well-known restaurant which blatantly +describes itself on a bill of fare as + + "THE GORGE AND VULTURE." + + * * * * * + + "Women lamplighters will shortly be seen in the submarine districts of + London."--_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +But to prevent disappointment we ought to mention that this phenomenon can +only be witnessed by the _Argus_-eyed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALSO RAN. + +WILLIAM. "ARE YOUR LURING THEM ON, LIKE ME?" MEHMED. "I'M AFRAID I +AM!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, February 26th._--The new Member for Roscommon has not yet appeared +in the House, but he is nevertheless doing his bit more effectively, +perhaps, than some of his compatriots. The SPEAKER'S ruling is "No seat, no +salary"; so Count PLUNKETT will have the satisfaction of knowing that by +his self-sacrificing absence he is paying the expenses of the War for at +least five seconds. + +With suitable solemnity Sir EDWARD CARSON gave a brief account of the +exploits of the German destroyer squadrons. One of them, comprising several +vessels, had engaged a single British destroyer for several minutes before +cleverly executing a strategic movement in the direction of the German +coast; while another had simultaneously bombarded the strongholds of +Broadstairs and Margate, completely demolishing two entire houses. The +damage would have been still more serious but for the fortunate +circumstance that the fortresses erected on the foreshore last summer by an +army of youthful workpeople had been subsequently removed. + +Any gloom engendered by the fore-going announcement was quickly dissipated +by Mr. BONAR LAW, who read a telegram from General MAUDE, announcing the +fall of Kut-el-Amara. + +The rest of the afternoon was chiefly occupied by a further combat over the +merits of Lord FISHER. Although, as Dr. MACNAMARA subsequently remarked, +"this is not the time for fighting battles along the Whitehall front," I am +afraid the House thoroughly enjoyed Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S discursive account +of his relations with the late FIRST SEA LORD, who really seems to be quite +a forgiving person. At least it is not everybody who, after being greeted +at a garden-party with "Come here, you wicked old sinner," would afterwards +invite his accuser to lunch at the Ritz. + +In the first statement of policy made by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE after his +appointment as Prime Minister he said that the primary step towards a +settlement of an age-long Irish trouble would be the removal of the +suspicion of Irishmen by Irishmen. Mr. DILLON'S notion of contributing to +that desirable end is to accuse Sir BRYAN MAHON, who has had to deport +certain recidivist Sinn Feiners, of being the tool of a Dublin Castle gang. +Not, of course, that Mr. DILLON is in sympathy with Sinn Feiners; on the +contrary he dislikes them so much that he would like to keep St. George's +Channel between them and himself. But by his own speeches he has hypnotized +himself into the belief that everything done by the British Government in +Ireland must have a corrupt motive. His colleague from West Belfast is not +much wiser, to judge by the tone of his speech to-night; and I think Mr. +DUKE, who is doing his best to reconcile the irreconcilable, must have been +tempted to adapt one of MR. DILLON'S phrases and to say that Ireland was +between the DEVLIN and the deep sea. + +_Tuesday, February 27._--The capture of Kut has had an exhilarating effect +upon Lord CREWE. Not long ago he was warning us against excessive +jubilation over the British advance in that region. Now he justified his +title by coming out as a regular _Chanticleer_, and invited Lord CURZON to +tell the assembled Peers that we might be confident of regaining +predominance in the whole of Mesopotamia. + +[Illustration: LORD BUCKMASTER'S DREAM OF A BRIGHTENED HOUSE OF LORDS.] + +In these times the Lords can refuse nothing to the Ladies. In moving the +second reading of a Bill to enable women to become solicitors Lord +BUCKMASTER may have approached his subject in the spirit of a cautious +knight-errant, as Lord SUMNER said, but he carried his argument. He owed +something, perhaps, to the unintentional assistance of his opponents. Lord +BUCKMASTER had incidentally mentioned that a woman once sat on the +Woolsack, and there administered such very odd law that the City of London +rose in mutiny. This shocked the historical sense of Lord HALSBURY, who +hastened to point out that the lady in question had left the Woolsack for a +reason entirely creditable to her sex, namely to become the mother of one +of our greatest Kings. Then Lord FINLAY, who now occupies the seat alleged +to have been filled by ELEANOR of Provence, endeavoured to frighten their +Lordships by the thin end of the wedge argument. If women were admitted +solicitors they would next want to practise at the Bar, and even become +Judges. But the Peers refused to be intimidated, and gave the Bill a second +reading. + +Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT'S colossal intellect, like the elephant's trunk, can +grapple with the most minute objects. Yesterday it was the shortage of +sausage-skins; this afternoon it was the grievance of Scottish bee-keepers, +who are deprived of sugar for their charges, and compelled to put up with +medicated candy at twice the price. In spite of the FOOD CONTROLLER, I +understand that MR. SCOTT has no intention of parting with the very +promising swarm that he carries in his national headgear. + +_Wednesday, February 28th._--Mr. WATT was seized with a bright idea this +afternoon. The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND had explained to Mr. GINNELL, +that certain men had been convicted of having attempted to cause +disaffection by singing disloyal songs. "Will the right hon. and learned +gentleman give the House a sample?" interjected Mr. WATT. The notion of Mr. +DUKE, _vir pietate gravis_, if ever there was one, indulging in ribald +melody, caused much laughter, which was increased when the right hon. +gentleman in his most portentous manner implied that his only reason for +not granting the request was fear that the SPEAKER might intervene. + +[Illustration: SIR FREDERICK BANBURY AND COLONEL MARK LOCKWOOD CONSULT THE +WATER LIST.] + +A brief recrudescence of the MEUX-CHURCHILL duel was not much to the taste +of the House, which is evidently of opinion that LORD FISHER might now be +left alone both by foes and by friends. Members were glad to seek solace in +the drink question, and gave a sympathetic hearing to the proposal of Mr. +WING that they should voluntarily submit to the same restricted hours of +consumption as they had imposed on the outside world. Mr. WING is a +temperance reformer, but on this occasion he had the redoubtable assistance +of Mr. GEORGE FABER, a stout friend of the "trade" whose hair had grown +white, he declared (though in other respects he still looks delightfully +juvenile), in fighting the Licensing Bill of 1908. In his opinion the House +could no longer keep itself in a compartment apart--especially as it was +not a watertight compartment. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, who is naturally a +champion of cakes--and ale--made a despairing effort to preserve the +privileges of the Palace of Westminster, but did not carry his protest to a +division; and after a few valedictory remarks from Colonel LOCKWOOD, +including two quotations from LUCRETIUS (derived from a crib, as he +modestly explained), the House unanimously decided that its habits should +be in conformity with its debates--dry with moist intervals. + +_Thursday, March 1st._--Copies of the unexpurgated edition of the Report of +the Dardanelles Commission marked "confidential" are to be sent to the +SPEAKER and to the leader of every political party in the House. If Mr. +BONAR LAW thought by this announcement to allay curiosity he was +disappointed. Requests for a definition of the term "political party" +rained upon him from all quarters. It really is a rather nice point. Mr. +ASQUITH, Mr. REDMOND and Mr. WARDLE will, of course, receive their copies +of the _editio princeps_. But what about Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who commands +a bare half-section, even if one includes Mr. T.M. HEALY as odd file? What, +too, of the Peace-without-Victory party, which is all leaders? The case of +Mr. PRINGLE and Mr. HOGGE, which was publicly mentioned, presents little +difficulty. Much as they love one another, neither is prepared to +acknowledge the other as his leader. + +The greatest crux is furnished by Mr. GINNELL and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING. +Each of them leads a distinct party, making up by its activity and +volubility for its comparative lack of size. Logically they may look +forward to receiving copies of the "confidential" document too sacred for +the inspection even of Peers and Privy Councillors. But I should not +encourage them to hope. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Maid._ "THE DOCTOR HAS CALLED TO SEE YOU, SIR." + +_Government Official (faintly)._ "TELL HIM TO FILL UP A FORM, STATING THE +NATURE OF HIS BUSINESS AND IF BY APPOINTMENT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Boss (to typist, a war flapper, who is very late)._ "EH, +YE'VE COOM AT LAST. WE WERE JUST TALKIN' ABOOT YE." + +_Typist._ "AH, I WONDERED WHAT MADE MY EAR BURN." ] + + * * * * * + +CLASSICAL AMERICA. + + [A correspondent of _The Westminster Gazette_ remarks in a recent + issue, "I am told American students sing their Pindar."] + + A WRITER in the evening Press + Lays quite unnecessary stress + Upon the fact that youthful scholars, + Residing in the land of dollars, + Where men are shrewd and level-headed, + Sing songs to PINDAR'S verses wedded. + Yet why this wonder, when you think + How strongly welded is the link + That binds Columbia and its glory + To lands renowned in classic story? + There's hardly any town of note + Mentioned by MOMMSEN or by GROTE + Except Byzantium, perhaps-- + Which doesn't figure in our maps. + Of Ithacas we have a score, + And Troys and Uticas galore; + Chicago has a Punic sound, + And pretty often, I'll be bound, + Austere Bostonians heavenward send a + Petition calling her _delenda_; + While Philadelphia, Pennsylvania + Betray the classicising mania. + We have a Capitol, also, + As fine as Rome's of long ago; + Pompey and Romulus and Remus + (I'm not so sure of Polyphemus) + Are names with us more often worn + Than in the lands where they were born. + Then, as true classicists to stamp us, + Each College has its separate Campus, + And we have Senators whose mien + Might well have turned old BRENNUS green. + Why even the Bird that proudly soars + In majesty to guard our shores + Before migrating to these regions + Was followed by the Roman legions. + But we have writ enough to show + What everybody ought to know, + That, spite of hustle and skyscrapers, + And Tammany and yellow papers, + The spirit of both Greece and Rome + Has found a second lasting home + Across the wide Atlantic foam. + + * * * * * + +More War Economy. + + "Perambulator, cheap, for cash, as new; cost L9 15s., receipt shown; + owner getting rid of baby."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "Turn to the annals of the period 1914-1917, everlastingly to be + remembered by the Meuse of History."--_Jamaica Paper_. + +The Meuse needs no reminder. + + * * * * * + +"DOING WITHOUT." + +A valued correspondent writes:-- +"We are deluged in the Press just now with information on how to 'do +without.' One morning a splendid recipe for making pancakes without eggs; +another, a perfect Irish stew without potatoes; another, a Welsh rabbit +without cheese. Meatless days are to be as natural as wireless telegraphy; +and the other day we were asked seriously to consider the problem of a +school without teachers! But there is a certain little corner of the daily +paper headed, 'London Readings,' which could better, in war-time phrases, +be expressed thus: 'Stern Facts must be Faced--How to do without Sunshine,' +for all that the Meteorological expert can find to say is, 'Yesterday +Sunshine, 0.0. Previous day Sunshine, 0.0.' O! O!" + + * * * * * + +What a Woman Notices. + + "Sears succeeded in cashing two of the cheques at the bank, the woman + cashier not noticing that they were crossed. When she came to the bank + a third time, however, the cashier recognised the hat she was wearing, + and caused her to be detained."--_Times_. + + * * * * * + +PRIVILEGE. + +Mr. Jenkins, junior partner in the firm of Baldwin and Jenkins, antique +dealers, Wigpole Street, was in the habit, on fine afternoons, of walking +home from business to his flat in the Brompton Road. + +He invariably chose the path which runs parallel to Park Lane, just inside +the Park railings. + +Being middle-aged and unmarried he walked slowly and methodically, and was +careful, when he came level with an entrance, to note the particular gates +marked "In" and "Out." He would, as he crossed the "Out" opening, look +sharply to the right, and as he passed the "In" opening look sharply to the +left. "Safety first" was a creed with him. + +One mild Spring afternoon, as he was passing by an "Out" aperture, with his +whole attention fixed to the right, he was aware, amid the sound of +motor-horns and shouts, that the roadway had risen up and struck him on the +back of the neck, and that something like the Marble Arch had kicked him at +the same moment. + +A week later Mr. Jenkins recovered consciousness in a beautiful clean ward +of St. George's Hospital. A smiling nurse stood by his bed and, as he tried +to sit up, she told him he must be quiet and not disturb the bandages. + +"Your friend Mr. Baldwin is coming to see you to-day at two o'clock," she +told him. "No, it is not serious; you are out of danger. Now you have only +to be quiet; so when your friend comes you mustn't talk too much." + +He lay still and thought, and it all came back to him. "But, good heavens!" +was his reflection, "that car must have come _in_ by the '_Out_' gate! In +that case," he continued, not without pleasure, "I can claim damages--very +severe damages too." + +At two o'clock Mr. Baldwin, his grey-bearded friend and partner, entered. +"Well, Jenkins," said he, "I'm glad to see you've turned the corner. You've +had rather a narrow squeak." + +Mr. Jenkins looked at his friend for a moment. "Look here," he said, "I'm +not allowed to speak much, but did you know that that car, when it struck +me, was coming in through an 'Out' gate, and, as that can be proved, don't +you see that I can get pretty good compensation?" + +His friend's face remained solemn. "I fear not," he said. + +"But I must," said Jenkins. "It's as clear as can be. Scores of people must +have seen it." + +Mr. Baldwin shook his head horizontally. + +"Heavy damages," said Mr. Jenkins, "I repeat." + +"I've gone into it," his partner replied, "and it's hopeless." + +"Why?" asked the sick man. + +"I'll tell you," said Mr. Baldwin. "Because that car belonged to the Duke +of Mudcaster." + +"The more reason," said Mr. Jenkins, "for heavy damages. Very heavy. The +Duke's rolling." + +"Maybe he rolls," said Mr. Baldwin. "But that is not all. Listen. The Duke +of Mudcaster is the only representative of the Pennecuiks, whose founder +had the good fortune to be of some service to KING WILLIAM III. For this +service he and his posterity were allowed the privilege of entering places +by gates marked 'Out' and leaving by gates marked 'In.'" + +Mr. Jenkins sat half up, groaned and subsided again. He said nothing. + +"Well, I must say good-bye now," said Mr. Baldwin. "Sorry I've depressed +you about compensation, but you never had an earthly. See you again soon. +So long." + +For some minutes Mr. Jenkins remained as one stunned. Then he began to +think again. "I wonder," he said once or twice, for he knew his +partner,--"I wonder. Could it have been Baldwin himself in his old Ford? +Could it?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_ruminating_). "WHAT A POOR SUPPLY OF GAS THERE +IS! AH, WELL, I MUSTN'T GRUMBLE. PERHAPS WE ARE ATTACKING WITH GAS AT THE +FRONT TO-DAY." ] + + * * * * * + +Extract from a schoolboy's letter:-- + + "Please do not send me a cake this term, or it will go to the Red Cross + Soldiers." + + * * * * * + + "MANAGERESS wanted immediately, small Blouse Factory, Harrogate; able + to cut out and control girls."--_Harrogate Advertiser._ + +She will need to be careful. A girl who has been cut out is apt to be +uncontrollable. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The German KAISER and a wounded Belgian Officer, a Prisoner._) + +_The Kaiser._ So, then, you are still in arms against me, still persisting +in your insane desire for battle and bloodshed? Will nothing content you? +Must you compel us to continue in our enmity when by a word peace might be +established between us, and Belgium might take her place at the side of +Germany as a sister-nation striving with us to promote the cause of true +civilisation? + +_The Belgian._ It is useless, Sir, to say such things to any Belgian. + +_The Kaiser._ Why useless? Do you not wish that death and ruin and misery +should cease? + +_The Belgian._ Certainly we do. No one more ardently than the Belgians, for +it was not we who desired war or began the contest. But when you talk of +stopping we must remind you that it was by your deliberate choice that war +was treacherously forced on us. What could we do except defend ourselves +against the dastardly blow that you aimed at our life? And after that it +was not by us that Louvain was destroyed, that old men and women and +children were ruthlessly massacred. Do you think such scenes can be wiped +out of the memory of a nation, so that her men shall turn round and kiss +the bloodstained hand that has tried to throttle them? Surely you expect +too much. + +_The Kaiser._ You speak too freely. Remember in whose presence you are. + +_The Belgian._ There is not much fear that I shall forget. I am in the +presence of one who has desired at all costs to concentrate on himself the +gaze of the world, caring nothing as to the means by which he accomplished +his object. This man, for he is, after all, only a poor human creature +prone to anger, suspicion and foolish jealousy--this man has always gone +about arrogating to himself the attributes of a god, calling upon his own +people to worship him, and on all other peoples to be humble before him. +Stung by his own restless vanity and the servile applause of those who are +ever ready to prostrate themselves before an Emperor, he has rushed hither +and thither seeking to make others the mere foils of his splendour and his +wisdom, making mischief wherever he went and striving to irritate and +depress his neighbours. This man in peace was a bad neighbour, and in war a +base and treacherous foe, sanctioning by his enthusiastic approval such +deeds as the meanest villain would have contemplated with shame. + +_The Kaiser._ This is too much. I gave you leave to speak, but not to +revile me. You must not forget that you are in my power. + +_The Belgian._ A noble threat! But it is right and proper that men like +you, who think they are infallible because their cringing flatterers tell +them so, should sometimes hear the truth. You dare, forsooth, to talk to a +Belgian of your magnanimity and your desire for peace. Cannot you realise +that our nation has been tempered by outrage and ruin; that exile and the +ruthless breaking of their homes only serve to make its men and women more +resolute; that even if others were to cease fighting against you, and if +her sword were broken, Belgium would dash its hilt in your face till breath +and life were driven out of her mangled body; that, in short, we hate you +for your cruelty and despise you for your baseness; and that for the +future, wherever there is a Belgian, there is one who is the enemy of the +thing called KAISER. + +_The Kaiser._ Enough, enough. I did not come here to be insulted. If you +have suffered, you and your nation, it is because you have deserved to +suffer for having dared to set yourself against Germany, whom our good old +German god has appointed to lead the way in righteousness to the goal +marked out for her. + +_The Belgian._ Sir, when you speak like that you are no doubt a marvel in +your own eyes, but to others you are a laughing-stock, a mere scare-crow +dressed up to resemble a man, a thing of shreds and patches to whom for a +time the inscrutable decrees of Providence have permitted a dreadful power. +But we are resolute to endure to the end, and your blandishments will avail +as little as your threats. + + * * * * * + +MY WATCH. + + The Sage who above a Greek signature nightly + Emits a succession of eloquent screeds, + Instructing us firmly but also politely + How best to supply our material needs, + Has specially urged us of late, in a shining + Example of zeal for his frivolous flock, + With the object of "speed" and "precision" combining + To "work with our eye on the clock." + + The precept is sound, and its due application + Is fraught with undoubted advantage to some, + But I'm free to remark that my own situation + Represents a recalcitrant re-sidu-um; + Clocks I cannot abide with their truculent ticking-- + A nuisance I always have striven to scotch-- + And I gain very little assistance in sticking + To work, if I'm watching my watch. + + For my watch, which I treasure with ardent affection-- + 'Twas given to me in my juvenile prime-- + Exhibits a truly uncanny objection + To keeping an accurate count of the time; + In the matter of speed it's a regular sprinter; + Repairs are a farce; it invariably gains; + And in Spring and in Autumn, in Summer and Winter + Precision it never attains. + + Mathematics to me are a terrible trial, + They plague me in age as they floored me in youth, + Or I might, when observing the hour on my dial, + Allow for the error and guess at the truth. + Then why do I keep it? Because it's a mascot, + And none of its vices can alter the fact + That the very first day that I wore it, at Ascot, + Three winners I happily backed. + + * * * * * + + "The annual meeting of the Court of Governors of the University of + Birmingham was held yesterday at the University, Edmund Street. The + Pro-Vice-Chancellor said the University had done its share in the + present awful state of Europe."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +We are sorry to hear this. + + * * * * * + + "The Government have apparently taken infinite pains to so 'cut their + coast according to their cloth' as to provide for the least possible + inconvenience and suffering to the people of these islands."--_Cork + Constitution._ + +Thanks to this wise provision there is still just enough coast to go round. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a schoolmasters' conference:-- + + "That we should spread our education wider, and not allow a boy to + spend too much time on specialising is a good idea, but it is rather + difficult to carry out in practice. It means switching the boy's mind + from one subject to another. The whole day is spent in this + way--switching from one subject to another, and therefore it is very + difficult."--_United Empire_. + +And it sounds painful too. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jock._ "AND ME GIVIN' YON MAN AT THE STATION TWA BAWBEES +TAE MIND MA GREATCOAT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +It is strange to find the inexhaustible Mr. W.E. NORRIS turning towards the +supernatural. Yet there is at least more than a flavouring of this in the +composition of _Brown Amber_ (HUTCHINSON), which partly concerns a +remarkable bead, having the property of bringing good or evil luck to its +various owners. As (after the manner of such things in stories) the charm +was for ever being lost, and as the kind of fortune it conferred went in +alternations, possession of it was rather in the nature of a gamble. All I +have to observe about it is that such hazards consort somewhat better with +the world of HANS ANDERSEN or the _Arabian Nights_ than with those quiet +and well-bred inhabitants of South-Western London whom one has learnt to +associate with the name of NORRIS. Thus, in considering the nice problem of +whether _Clement Drake_ (as typical a Norrisian as ever buttoned spats) +would or would not escape the entanglements of _Mrs. D'Esterre_, it simply +irritated me to suppose that the event might be determined by the +machinations of djins. In a word, East is East and S.W. is S.W., and never +the twain shall, or should, be mixed up in a novel that pretends to +anything more serious than burlesque. I am not sure also that, for +different reasons, I did not regret the introduction of the War; though as +a grand climax it has, I admit, a lure that must be almost irresistible to +the novelist. For the rest, if you do not share my objection to the (dare I +say it?) amberdexterity of the plot, you will find Mr. NORRIS as pleasant +as ever in his scenes of drawing-room comedy. + +A volume of remarkable interest is _In Ruhleben _(HURST AND BLACKETT), into +which Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN has gathered a variety of information concerning +the life of the English civilian prisoners in Germany, its many hardships +and few ameliorations. The greater part of the book is filled with a series +of letters sent by one of these prisoners to his mother. Perhaps (one +suspects) the writer of these was not altogether an ordinary young man. +From whatever reason, the fact remains that his letters are by no means +uncheery reading; his books and study, most of all his friendships (with +one fellow-captive especially), seem to have kept him contented and even +happy. Of course some part of this may well have been coloured for the +maternal eye; it is clear that he was greatly concerned that she should not +be too anxious about him. A more impartial picture of the conditions at +Ruhleben is given in the second part of the volume, and in a letter by Sir +TIMOTHY EDEN, reprinted from _The Times_, on The Case for a wholesale +Exchange of Civilian Prisoners. I should add that the book is illustrated +with a number of drawings of Ruhleben made by Mr. STANLEY GRIMM, an artist +of the Expressionist School (whatever that may mean). These are vigorous +and arresting, if, to the unmodern eye, somewhat formless. But they are +part of a record that all Englishmen can study with quickened sympathy and +a great pride in the courage and resource of our race under conditions +needlessly brutal at their worst, and never better than just endurable. + + * * * * * + +Nothing will ever persuade me that _This Way Out_ (METHUEN) is an +attractive title for a novel, however effective it may be as a notice in a +railway station. The book itself, however, is intriguing in spite of its +gloominess. The grandfather of _Jane_ and _John-Andrew Vaguener_ committed +a most cold-blooded murder--this in a prologue. Then, when we get to the +real story, we find _Jane_ tapping out popular fiction at an amazing pace, +and her brother, _John-Andrew_, living on the proceeds thereof. _Jane_ is +noisy, vulgar, and successful in her own line, and gets on _John-Andrew's_ +nerves; and when he discovers that she has for once turned aside from +tawdry fiction and written a play that is really good he decides that he +can stand it and her no longer. While she was pouring out literary garbage +he could just manage to endure his position, but the thought that she would +be hailed as a genius while he remained an utter failure was the final +stroke that turned him from a mendicant into a madman. I am not going to +tell you exactly what happened, but _Jane_ found a "way out," and with her +departure from this life my interest in the book evaporated. Mrs. HENRY +DUDENEY has notable gifts as a descriptive writer, and my only complaint +against her is that vulgar _Jane_ was not allowed to live, for in the Army +or out of it she was worth a whole platoon of _John-Andrews_. The +_Vagueners_, I may add, were not a little mad, but then they were Cornish, +and novelists persist in treating Cornwall as if it were a delirious duchy. + + * * * * * + +I don't think I can honourably recommend Mr. HUGH ELLIOT'S volume on +_Herbert Spencer_ (CONSTABLE) as light reading, though the ungodly may wax +merry over the philosopher's first swear-word, at the age of thirty-six, in +the matter of a tangled fishing-line, and may be kindled at the later +picture of a middle-aged sportsman shinning, effectively too, after a +Neapolitan who had pinched his opera-glasses. Fine human traits these in a +character which will strike the normal man as bewilderingly unlike the +general run of the species. The serious-flippant reader, tackling Mr. +ELLIOT'S elaborate and acute analyses, may get an impression of an +obstinate old apriorist, a sort of White Knight of Philosophyland, with all +manner of reasoned-out "inventions" at his saddle-bow (labelled +"Homogeneity-Heterogeneity," "Unknowable," "Ghost Theory," +"Presentative-Representative"), which don't seem, somehow, as helpful as +their inventor assumes. And 'tis certain he took tosses into many of the +pits of his dangerous deductive method. I don't present this as Mr. +ELLIOT'S view. He is respectful-critical, and makes perhaps the best case +for his old master's claim to greatness out of the assumption that SPENCER +himself, stark enemy to authority and dogmatism, would have preferred his +biographer's critical examination to any mere "master's-voice" reproduction +of Spencerian doctrine. I wonder if he would! + + * * * * * + +Miss F.E. MILLS YOUNG'S newest story has at least this much merit about it, +that no one who has seen the title can complain thereafter of having been +taken unawares by the course of the narrative. That is perhaps as well, +for, having discovered in the opening chapters a sufficiently charming +_Pamela_ living in perpetual honeymoon with a partner rich, good-looking +and with no particular occupation to interfere with unlimited motor trips +and dinner parties, we might have imagined the tale was going to remain a +jolly meaningless thing like that all through, and so have been as much +shocked as the heroine herself on reading the fatal letter. But, since we +knew the book to be called straight out _The Bigamist_ (LANE), we could +have no possible difficulty in foreseeing the emergence of that other wife +from the buried past ready to pounce down on poor little _Pam_ at her +happiest. And of course she duly appeared. Not that such happiness could in +any case have lasted long, for the man was, flatly, a cur, not deserving +the notice of any of the rather foolish women he managed to attract--there +were three of them--and not particularly worth your attention either for +that matter. Having said so much I can gladly leave the rest to your +perusal, or, better perhaps, your imagination, only hinting that the +conclusion has something of dignity that does a little to redeem the +volume. But when all is said this is not Miss YOUNG at her best, the +characters without exception being unusually stilted, the plot unpleasant, +and the South African atmosphere, for which I have gladly praised her +before now, so negligible that but for an occasional name and a page or two +of railway journey the yarn might as well have been placed in a suburb of +London or Manchester as in the land of delectable sunshine. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN S. MARGERISON, in _The Sure Shield_ (DUCKWORTH) sees to it that +our national pride in our Fleet is thoroughly encouraged. Whether he is +describing a race against the Germans in times of peace, or a fight against +odds with them in these days of war, we always come out top dog. Very good. +But, at the same time, I am bound to add that some of his stories compelled +me to make considerable drafts on my reserves of credulity before I could +swallow them. So improbable are the incidents in one or two of them that I +am inclined to believe that they must be founded on fact. However that may +be, their author is an expert in his subject, and writes with a vigour that +is very bracing and infectious. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tactful Customer (forestalling a rebuff at a coal order +office)._ "OF COURSE, MISS, I DON'T EXPECT THAT YOU REALLY _SELL_ COALS, +BUT I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD HAVE NO OBJECTION TO MAKING THEM A SUBJECT FOR +CONVERSATION?" ] + + * * * * * + +Music in Mesopotamia. + +Among the songs which have recently exhausted their popularity in the +music-halls of Baghdad is:-- + + "Come into the Garden of Eden, MAUDE." + + * * * * * + + "The White Star Company, the Dominion Shipping Company, and other + Atlantic lines are now arranging to employ a certain number of Sea + Scouts on their boats. The shipping companies will certainly be + ducky."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +Or perhaps they may even happen upon a DRAKE. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, March 7, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14966.txt or 14966.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/6/14966/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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