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diff --git a/14974.txt b/14974.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eefdf7e --- /dev/null +++ b/14974.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1910 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +April 4, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 4, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 8, 2005 [EBook #14974] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +April 4th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The KAISER has conferred upon the Turkish GRAND VIZIER the Order of the +Black Eagle. The GRAND VIZIER has had persistent bad luck. + + *** + +"A few weeks ago," says Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD, I asked, "What manner of man +is the Tsar? And now he has abdicated." We understand that the EX-TSAR +absolves Mr. BLATCHFORD from all blame. + + *** + +The Amsterdam rumour to the effect that eighty thousand German soldiers had +surrendered was followed the next day by the report that it was really +ninety thousand. It appears that a recount was demanded. + + *** + +_The Evening News,_ ever ready to assist with economical hints, now throws +out suggestions for renovating last year's suit. No mention is made, +however, of the fact that people with fur coats can now obtain quite cheap +butterfly-nets for the moth-chasing season. + + *** + +In the Reichstag a member of the Socialist Minority Party has denounced the +KAISER as the originator of the War. The denunciation made little +impression on the House, as it was generally felt that he must have been +listening to some idle street-corner gossip. + + *** + +A cat's-meat-man informed the Southwark Tribunal at a recent sitting that +he served over four hundred families a day. The unwisdom of permitting cats +to have families in war-time has been made the subject of adverse comment. + + *** + +"I swear by Almighty God that I will speak the truth, no nonsense, and +won't be foolish," was the form of oath taken by a witness at a recent case +in the Bloomsbury County Court. It was explained to him that this was only +suitable for persons taking office under the Crown. + + *** + +It was urged on behalf of a man at the Harrow Tribunal that there would be +no boots in the Army to fit him. If a small enough pair can be found for +him it is understood that he will join the police. + + *** + +We fear an injustice has been done to the large number of Mexicans who have +lately entered the United States. It was at first suggested that they were +of pro-German sympathies, but it now appears that they were only fugitives +who had fled from the elections in Mexico. + + *** + +[Illustration: _Impressionable Grocer._ "BELIEVE, ME, MISS, IN WAR-TIME A +GROCER NEEDS A 'EART AS COLD AS AN 'INDENBURG."] + + *** + +A man at Bristol charged as an absentee said that he had been so busy +wilting poetry that he had forgotten all about military matters. His very +emphatic assurance that he will now push on with the War has afforded the +liveliest satisfaction to the authorities concerned. + + *** + +"Owing to restrictions on the output of beer," says a contemporary, "the +passing of the village inn is merely a question of time." Even before the +War it often took hours and hours. + + *** + +It is announced that a wealthy American lady with Socialistic leanings +will, at the end of the War, marry a well-known conscientious objector at +present undergoing a term of imprisonment. The American craze for +curio-hunting has not abated one bit. + + *** + +A woman in North London who two years ago offered her services to the +Government in any capacity has just been informed that her offer is noted. +There is good reason to believe that she will he among the first women +called upon for service in our next war. + + *** + +Because a man had jilted her fifteen years ago, a Spanish woman shot him +while he was being married to another woman. It is a remarkable thing, but +rarely does a marriage ceremony go off in Spain without some little hitch +or other. + + *** + +Proper mastication of food is necessary in these times, and we are not +surprised to hear that one large dental firm are advertising double sets of +teeth with a two-speed gear attachment. + + *** + +According to _The Pall Mall Gazette,_ Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S double was seen at +Cardiff the other day. The suggestion that there are two Lloyd Georges in +the world has caused consternation among the German Headquarters Staff. + + *** + +The bones of a woolly rhinoceros have been dug up twenty-three feet below +the surface at High Wycombe, and very strong expressions have been used in +the locality concerning this gross example of food-hoarding. + + *** + +Complaint has been made by a brass finisher at Oldham that his +fellow-workmen will not speak to him because he receives less wages than +they do. To end an awkward situation it is hoped that the good fellow may +eventually consent to accept a weekly wage on the higher scale. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE. + +The Proprietors of _Punch_ are glad to announce that they find themselves +in a position to revert, for the time being at any rate, to the type and +size of _Punch_ as they were before the recent changes. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR. + +WE record with deep regret the death from pneumonia of Captain HARRY +NEVILLE GITTINS, R.G.A., on Active Service. He was a member of the +Territorials before the outbreak of war, and, after serving two years at +home, went out to France in August of last year. His light-hearted +contributions to _Punch_ will be greatly missed. + + * * * * * + +THE HOHENZOLLERN PROSPECT. + +REFLECTIONS OF THE HEIR-APPARENT. + + When I've surveyed with half-shut eyes, + Over the winking Champagne wine, + What I shall do when Father dies + And hands me down his right divine, + Often I've said that, when in God's + Good time he goes, I mean to show 'em + How scorpions sting in place of rods, + Taking my cue from REHOBOAM. + + But now with Liberty on the loose, + And All the Russias capped in red, + And Demos hustling like the deuce, + And Tsardom's day as good as dead-- + When on the Dynasty they dance + And with the Imperial Orb play hockey, + I feel that LITTLE WILLIE'S chance + Looks, at the moment, rather rocky. + + Not that the Teuton's stolid wits + Are built to plan so rude a plot; + Somehow I cannot picture Fritz + Careering as a _sansculotte_; + Schooled to obedience, hand and heart, + I can imagine nothing odder + Than such behaviour on the part + Of inoffensive cannon fodder. + + And yet one never really knows. + You cannot feed his massive trunk + On fairy tales of beaten foes + Or HINDENBURG'S "victorious" bunk; + And if his rations run too short + Through this accursed British blockade + Even the worm may turn and sport + A revolutionary cockade. + + Well, at the worst, I have my loot; + And if, in search of healthier air, + We Hohenzollerns do a scoot, + There's wine and women everywhere; + And, for myself, I frankly own + A taste for privacy; I should rather + Not face the high light on a throne-- + But O my poor, my poor old Father! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +THE French are a great people; the more I see of them the more I admire +them, and I have been seeing a lot of them lately. + +I seem to have spent the last week eating six-course dinners in cellars +with grizzled sky-blue colonels, endeavouring to reply to their charming +compliments in a mixture of Gaelic and CORNELIUS NEPOS. I myself had no +intention of babbling these jargons; it is the fault of my tongue, which +takes charge on these occasions, and seems to be under the impression that, +when it is talking to a foreigner, any foreign language will do. + +Atkins, I notice, also suffers from a form of the same delusion. When +talking to a Frenchman, he employs a mangled cross between West Coast and +China pidgin, and by placing a long E at the end of every word imagines he +is making himself completely clear to the suffering Gaul. And the suffering +Gaul listens to it all with incredible patience and courtesy, and, what is +more, somehow or other disentangles a meaning, thereby proving himself the +most intelligent creature on earth. + +We have always prided ourselves that the teaching of modern languages in +our island seminaries is unique; but such is not the case. Here and there +in France, apparently, they teach English on the same lines. I discovered +this, the other day, when we called on a French battery to have the local +tactical situation explained to us. I was pushed forward as the star +linguist of our party; the French produced a smiling Captain as theirs. The +non-combatants of both sides then sat back and waited for their champions +to begin. I felt a trifle nervous myself, and the Frenchman didn't seem too +happy. We filled in a few minutes bowing, saluting, kissing and shaking +hands, and then let Babel loose, I in my fourth-form French, and he, to my +amazement, in equally elementary English. The affair looked hopeless from +the start; if either of us would have consented to talk in his own +language, the other might have understood him, but neither of us could, +before that audience, with our reputations at stake. + +Towards lunch-time things grew really desperate; we had got as far as "the +pen of my female cousin," but the local tactical situation remained as +foggy as ever, our backers were showing signs of impatience, and we were +both lathering freely. Then by some happy chance we discovered we had both +been in Africa, fell crowing into each other's arms, and the local tactical +situation was cleared "one time" in flowing Swahili. Our respective +reputations as linguists are now beyond doubt. + +We became fast friends, this Captain and I. He bore me off to his cellar, +stood me the usual six-course feed (with wines), and after it was over +asked how I would like to while away the afternoon. I left it in his hands. +"Eh bien, let us play on the Bosch a little," he suggested. It sounded as +pleasant a light after-dinner amusement as any, so I bowed and we sallied +forth. + +He led me to his observation post, spoke down a telephone, and about twenty +yards of Hun parapet were not. "That will spoil his siesta," said my +Captain. "By the way, his Headquarters is behind that ruined farm," + +"Which?" I inquired; there were several farms about, none of them in any +great state of repair. + +"I will show you--watch," he replied, talked into the 'phone again, and far +away a cloud, a cloud of brick dust, smoked aloft. "_Voila!_" + +He thereupon pointed out all the objects of local interest in the same +fashion. + +"We will now give him fifty rounds for luck, and then we will return to my +cellar for a cup of coffee," said he, and a further twenty yards of Hun +parapet were removed. + +Suddenly there came an answering salvo from Hunland, and a flock of shells +whizzed over our heads. + +"Tiens!" my Captain exclaimed. "He has lost his little temper, has he? +Naughty, naughty! I must give him a slap. A hundred rounds!" he shouted +into the 'phone, and the German lines spouted like a school of whales +blowing. + +Again the Bosch slammed across a heavy reply. My Captain leapt to his +'phone. "He would answer me back, would he? The impudence! Give him a +_thousand_ rounds, my children!" + +Then for the next hour or so the sky was filled with a screaming tornado of +shells, rushing, bumping, and bursting, and the Bosch lines sagged, bulged, +quivered, slopped over, and were spattered against the blue in small +smithereens. + +"And now let us see what he says to that," said my Captain pleasantly. We +waited, we watched, we listened; but there came no reply (possibly because +there was no one left to make one), and my Captain turned to me, shoulders +shrugged, palms outspread, a grimace of apologetic disgust on his mobile +face--like a circus-master explaining that his clown has got the measles: +"Nottin, see you? _Pas d'esprit, l'animal!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RUMOURISTS. + +FIRST ASS. "AND I HAVE IT ON THE BEST AUTHORITY." + +SECOND ASS. "INCREDIBLE!" [_Goes off and repeats it._]] + + * * * * * + +Certainly Hans the Hun does not seem to be enjoying the same high spirits +he did of yore. Possibly he is beginning to regret the day he left the old +beer garden, his ample Gretchen, and the fatty foods his figure demands. +The story of Patrick and Goldilocks would tend to prove as much. + +The other day Patrick was engaged in one of those little "gains" which +straighten out the unsightly kinks in the "line" and give the +War-correspondents a chance to get their names in print. + +Patrick and his friends attacked in a snowstorm, dropped into a German +post, gave the occupants every assistance in evacuating, and prepared to +make themselves at home. While they were clearing up the mess, they found +they had taken a prisoner, a blond Bavarian hero who had found it +impossible to leave with his friends on account of half-a-ton of sandbags +on his chest. They excavated him, told him if he was a good boy they'd give +him a ticket to Donington Hall at nightfall, christened him Goldilocks for +the time being, and threw him some rations, among which was a tin of +butter. + +He listened to all they had to say in a dazed sulky fashion, but at the +sight of the tin of butter he gurgled drunkenly and seemed to go +light-headed. He spent a perfect day revelling in the joys of +anticipation, crooning over that butter, cuddling it, hiding it in one +pocket after the other. Towards dusk down came the snow again, and under +cover thereof the Bosch counter-attacked. + +Patrick says he suddenly heard the bull voice of a Hun officer hic-coughing +gutturals, and they were on him. He had no time to send up an S.O.S. +rocket, and his machine-gun jammed. In a minute they were all mixed up, at +it tooth and claw as merry as a Galway election, the big Bosch officer, +throwing off a hymn of hate, the life and soul of the party. He came for +Patrick with an automatic, and Patrick thought all was up; and so it would +have been but for Goldilocks, who materialized suddenly out of nowhere, +deftly tripped up his officer from behind, and, dancing on his stomach with +inspired hooves, trod him out of sight. + +Their moving spirit being wiped out, the Huns lost whatever heart they had +had, and went through their "Kamerad" exercise without further ado. + +When the excitement was over Patrick sought out Goldilocks, and, shaking +him warmly by the hand, thanked him for suppressing the officer and saving +the situation. + +"Situation be damned" (or words to that effect), Goldilocks retorted. "He +would have pinched my butter!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Clerk._ "YES, SIR, IT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, SIR. TWINS I AM +HAPPY TO SAY, SIR. ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS A WEEK WILL COME IN VERY HANDY, +SIR." + +_Employer_ (_imagining him to mean a rise in salary_). "ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS +A WEEK! GOOD LORD!!" + +_Clerk._ "YES SIR. LORD DEVONPORT, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +THE FLOWERLESS FUTURE. + +(_Notes from a Society newspaper of the coming vegetable epoch._) + +PERSONAL PARS. + +We regret to learn that Lady Diana Dashweed has returned from Nice +suffering from nervous shock. During a battle of vegetables at the recent +carnival Lady Diana, while in the act of aiming a tomato at a well-known +peer, was struck on the head by a fourteen-pound marrow hurled by some +unknown admirer. There is unfortunately a growing tendency at these +festivities to use missiles over the regulation weight. + + * * * * * + +A daring innovation was made by last Wednesday's bride. One has become so +accustomed to the orthodox cauliflower bouquet at weddings that it came +almost as a shock to see her holding a huge bunch of rich crimson +beetroots, tied with old-gold streamers. The effect however was altogether +delightful. + + * * * * * + +The decorations for a particularly smart "pink-and-white" dinner at one of +our smartest restaurants last evening were charmingly carried out in spring +rhubarb and Spanish onions, the table being softly illuminated by tinted +electric lights concealed in hollow turnips, fashioned to represent the +heads of famous statesmen. + + * * * * * + +FROM THE SERIAL STORY. + +"Sick at heart, Adela tottered across the room and, opening her bureau, +drew from its secret hiding-place an old letter. As she tremblingly removed +it from the envelope a few faded leaves fluttered down to the floor. It was +the brussels-sprout he had given her on the night they parted." + + * * * * * + +AN INDUCEMENT. + + "WANTED, Nurse, L30, for three children, 13, 7, and 3 years: nurseryman + kept."--_Evesham Journal_. + +To help, we suppose, in making up the beds. + + * * * * * + + "The stream proved treacherous in the extreme, being a succession of + rapids and whirlpools. Often their magazine rifles and automatic + revolvers were all that stood between them and death."--_Observer_. + +We always use a Winchester repeater for shooting rapids. + + * * * * * + + "Merely as photographs these postcards are remarkable. As ikons for men + to vow by; as lessons for women to show their children in days to + come--when the Hun octopus roots himself again in the comity of + civilised nations, lying in wait at our doorways, stretching out his + antennae, like those foul things that lurk at sea-cavern mouths--these + eight pictures have historical value."--_Daily Mail_. + +Biologists too will be glad to have this description of the habits and +characteristics of that fearsome beast the _Octopus Germanicus_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT'S FOR YOU, MISSIE?" "I FORGET ITS NIME--BUT IT'S +A PINT O' WOT IT SMELLS LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +ANTICIPATORY INTELLIGENCE. + +(_Items gathered from the Dally Press of April 1st_, 1927). + +LORD KENNEDY-JONES, Grand Editor to the Nation, announced yesterday that he +proposed to take no notice of the protest against the use of the words +"voiced," "glimpsed" and "featured" in official documents. + + * * * * * + +The Earl of Mount-Carmel has left London on a protracted tour in Pulpesia. +He requests that no mention shall be made of his movements during his +absence in any newspapers. A special correspondent of _Chimes_ will, we +understand, accompany his lordship. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL gave further evidence yesterday before the +Dardanelles Commission. + + * * * * * + +Lord BILLING left England yesterday for New York in the Transatlantic +air-liner _P.B._ + + * * * * * + +"Polymachus," the famous descriptive journalist, yesterday published his +five-thousandth daily article on the policies, principles and opinions of +the house of Pelfwidge. An ox was roasted whole on the roof garden of the +famous emporium in honour of the event. + + * * * * * + +Mr. GINNELL created a slight sensation in the House of Commons yesterday by +attempting to accompany on the Irish harp his speech in support of the +Atlantic Tunnel Bill. + + * * * * * + +The SPEAKER of the House of Commons has ruled a Member out of order for +making a Latin quotation, the first heard at Westminster for nine years. + + * * * * * + +The Right Hon. GILBERT CHESTERTON is recovering from a mild attack of +mumps. During the progress of the complaint his portrait was painted by Sir +AUGUSTUS JOHN. + + * * * * * + +The Rev. H. G. WELLS preached yesterday evening at the City Temple. + + * * * * * + +Viscount GREBA (Sir HALL CAINE) takes his seat in the House of Lords +to-day, and is expected to make an important pronouncement on Compulsory +Manx at the Universities. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S portrait of Lord FISHER has been accepted at Madame +TUSSAUD'S Exhibition. + + * * * * * + +OLD RHYMES FOR RATION TIMES. + + There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, + She had so many children she didn't know what to do; + She gave them some broth without any bread, + So as not to exceed her allowance per head. + + Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard + To get her poor dog a bone; + But when she got there the cupboard was bare, + And so the poor dog had none. + She went to the kitchen and scolded the slavey, + Who answered, "All bones must be boiled down for gravy." + + "Mary, Mary, quite contrairy, how does your garden grow?" + "Early greens and haricot beans and cauliflowers all in a row." + + When good KING ARTHUR ruled this land he was a goodly king, + He stored ten sacks of barleymeal to last him through the Spring; + The Food-Controller heard thereof, and said, "This wicked hoarding + Must not go on--and if it does I'll have to act according." + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +v. + +THE RIVALS. + +The frog challenged the nightingale to a singing contest. "Of course for +gurgling and untutored warbling I know he has it," he said to his friend +the toad, "but in technique I shall beat him hollow." + +So the jury was chosen. The nightingale proposed the lark, the thrush, the +blackbird and the bullfinch as experts in singing, and the frog proposed +the starling, the linnet, the chaffinch and the reed-warbler. + +The nightingale was overcome with emotion at the generosity of the frog, +and insisted on adding the crow and the toad as experts in croaking. + +The nightingale sang first, whilst his trade rivals sat and chattered. They +chattered so loud that the nightingale stopped singing in a huff. + +"You are hardly at your best, you know, old thing," said the linnet +sympathetically. + +"You will find these throat lozenges excellent for hoarseness," said the +blackbird. + +"His upper register is weak--abominably weak," said the starling to the +lark. + +"Perhaps if his voice were trained," suggested the lark. + +Meanwhile the frog croaked away lustily, but no one listened to him. "The +jury must vote by ballot," he said as he finished the last croak. + +"Of course we must," twittered the jury. + +The frog won by eight votes to two. + +"I voted for the nightingale," whispered the crow to the toad. + +"So did I," whispered the toad. + + * * * * * + +A LOSS. + +For many reasons the passing of the poster is to be welcomed. For one +thing, it robbed the papers themselves of that element of surprise which is +one of life's few spices; for another, it added to life's many complexities +by forcing the reader into a hunt through the columns which often ended in +disappointment: in other words the poster's promise was not seldom greater +than the paper's performance. Then, again, it was often offensive, as when +it called for the impeachment of an effete "old gang," many of whose +members had joined the perfect new; or redundant, as when it demanded +twenty ropes where one would have sufficed. + +But, even although the streets may be said to have been sweetened by the +absence of posters, days will come, it must be remembered, when we shall +badly miss them. It goes painfully to one's heart to think that the +embargo, if it is ever lifted, will not be lifted in time for most of the +events which we all most desire, events that clamour to be recorded in the +large black type that for so many years Londoners have associated with +fatefulness. Such as ("reading from left to right"):-- + +-------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- +| | | | | | | | +| | | | | ALLIES | | FLIGHT | +| FALL | | STRASBURG | | CROSS | | OF | +| OF | | FRENCH | | THE | | CROWN | +| METZ | | AGAIN. | | RHINE. | | PRINCE. | +| | | | | | | | +| | | | | | | | +-------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- + +-------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- +| | | | | | | | +| | | BRITISH | | | | | +| RUSSIANS | | AND | | REVOLUTION | | FALL | +| NEARING | | FRENCH | | IN | | OF | +| BERLIN. | | NEARING | | GERMANY. | | BERLIN. | +| | | BERLIN. | | | | | +| | | | | | | | +-------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- + +-------------- -------------- +| | | | +| THE | | | +| KAISER | | | +| A | | VICTORY! | +| CAPTIVE. | | | +| | | | +| | | | +-------------- -------------- + +And Finally-- +-------------- -------------- +| | | | +| | | | +| AMERICA | | | +| DECLARES | | PEACE! | +| WAR. | | | +| | | | +| | | | +-------------- -------------- + +It will be hard to lose these. + + * * * * * + +FRITZ'S APOLOGIA. + + Yes, war is horrible and hideous-- + It jars upon my sense fastidious, + My "noble instincts," to decline + To actions that are not divine. + So, when I mutilate your pictures, + So far from meriting your strictures, + Compassion rather is my due + For doing what I hate to do. + It grieves my super-saintly soul + Even to smash a china bowl; + To carry off expensive clocks + My tender conscience sears and shocks; + I really don't enjoy at all + Hacking to bits a panelled hall, + Rare books with priceless bindings burning, + Or boudoirs into cesspools turning. + My heart invariably bleeds + When I'm engaged upon these deeds, + And teardrops of the largest size + Fall from my heav'n-aspiring eyes. + But, though my sorrow is unfeigned, + Still discipline must be maintained; + And, when the High Command says, "Smash, + Bedaub with filth, loot, hack and slash," + I do it (much against the grain) + Because, though gentle and humane, + When dirty work is to be done + I always am a docile Hun. + + * * * * * + + "It is proposed to collect from Nottinghamshire householders bones and + fat for the extraction of glycerine."--_Christian World_. + +Poor "lambs"! + + * * * * * + + "Lady Companion Wanted, immediately, by young married woman; servant + kept, and there are no children: applicant must be well educated, well + read, well-bred, and of impeachable character."--_Provincial Paper_. + +So as to give her employer something to talk about? + + * * * * * + + "'Baghdad' written large on the wall of the terminus in English and + Arabic reminded them that they had arrived. In the booking office, now + deserted, there had been a rush for tickets to Constantinople. The last + train had gone out at 2 a.m. A supper officer discovered the + way-bill."--_Daily Paper_. + +A poor substitute if he was looking for the bill-of-fare. + + * * * * * + +From an Egyptian picture-palace programme:-- + + "Sensationing. Dramatic. + MARINKA'S HEART. + Great drama, in 3 parts, of a poignancy interest, + assisting with anguish at the terrible + peripeties of a Young Girl, falling in hand, of + Bohemian bandits. + Pictures of this film are celicious, being taken + at fir trees and mountan's of the Alpes.-- + Great success. + Comic. Silly laughter." + +The translator of the French original was probably justified in his +rendering of "_fou rire_." + + * * * * * + +PROTESTS OF AN AMMUNITION MULE. + +[Illustration: _Mule._ "WHAT ON EARTH'S HE STOPPING FOR?] + +[Illustration: OH--GET A MOVE ON!] + +[Illustration: NOW WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?] + +[Illustration: WELL, OF ALL THE--] + +[Illustration: HERE, HOLD ON--YOU WAIT FOR _ME_ NOW. HANG THESE FLIES!".] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bosch_ (_downed after long Homeric combat_). "KAMERAD!" + +_Pat._ "BE JABERS, 'TIS THE WORD I'VE BEEN THRYING TO REMEMBER FOR THE LAST +THREE MINUTS."] + + * * * * * + +ADMIRAL DUGOUT. + + He had done with fleets and squadrons, with the restless roaming seas, + He had found the quiet haven he desired, + And he lay there to his moorings with the dignity and ease + Most becoming to Rear-Admirals (retired); + He was bred on "Spit and Polish"--he was reared to "Stick and String"-- + All the things the ultra-moderns never name; + But a storm blew up to seaward, and it meant the Real Thing, + And he had to slip his cable when it came. + + So he hied him up to London for to hang about Whitehall, + And he sat upon the steps there soon and late, + He importuned night and morning, he bombarded great and small, + From messengers to Ministers of State; + He was like a guilty conscience, he was like a ghost unlaid, + He was like a debt of which you can't get rid, + Till the Powers that Be, despairing, in a fit of temper said, + "For the Lord's sake give him something"--and they did. + + They commissioned him a trawler with a high and raking bow, + Black and workmanlike as any pirate craft, + With a crew of steady seamen very handy in a row, + And a brace of little barkers fore and aft; + And he blessed the Lord his Maker when he faced the North Sea sprays + And exceedingly extolled his lucky star + That had given his youth renewal in the evening of his days + (With the rank of Captain Dugout, R.N.R.). + + He is jolly as a sandboy, he is happier than a king, + And his trawler is the darling of his heart + (With her cuddy like a cupboard where a kitten couldn't swing, + And a smell of fish that simply won't depart); + He has found upon occasion sundry targets for his guns; + He could tell you tales of mine and submarine; + Oh, the holes he's in and out of and the glorious risks he runs + Turn his son--who's in a Super-Dreadnought--green. + + He is fit as any fiddle; he is hearty, hale and tanned; + He is proof against the coldest gales that blow; + He has never felt so lively since he got his first command + (Which is rather more than forty years ago); + And of all the joyful picnics of his wild and wandering youth-- + Little dust-ups from Taku to Zanzibar-- + There was none to match the picnic, he declares in sober sooth, + That he has as Captain Dugout, R.N.R. + +C.F.S. + + * * * * * + + "Would the Lady who took the Wrong Patent Leather Shoe (right) from + ---- on 7th instant return same?"--_Provincial Press_. + +And then she can recover the right shoe which was left. + + * * * * * + + "Bethnal Green Military Hospital, formerly an infirmary, names its + wards after British virtues, thus:--Courage, Truth, Fortitude, Loyalty, + Justice, Honour, Faith, Hope, Charity, Prudence, Mercy, Grace, Candour, + Innocence, and Patience."--_Evening Standard_. + +We note with regret the omission of that eminently British virtue, +Humility. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CATCH OF THE SEASON. + +CONDUCTORETTE (_to Mr. ASQUITH_). "COME ALONG, SIR. BETTER LATE THAN +NEVER."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 26th._--Major PRETYMAN NEWMAN has a bright sense of humour +much appreciated by his fellow-countrymen from Ireland. His latest notion +is that journals "of a comic and serio-comic nature" should be deprived of +their stocks of paper in order that catalogues and circulars should +continue to appear. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS expressed his regret at being unable +to discriminate between different classes of publications; but I understand +that several Members have offered to satisfy Major NEWMAN's taste for light +literature by lending him their old Stores catalogues. + +Housewives who have been economising in their meagre supply of sugar in +order to have a stock for jam-making have been alarmed by a rumour that +they would be charged with food-hoarding and made to disgorge their +savings. There is not a word of truth in it, and they may rest assured, on +Capt. BATHURST'S authority, that our non-party Government entirely approves +this form of Conservatism. + +[Illustration: MR. BRACE.] + +Misled by Mr. BRACE's appearance--I have before now noted his likeness to +an amiable cat--Mr. SNOWDEN pressed his advocacy of a certain conscientious +objector called PETT to such lengths as to discover that even this kind of +cat has claws. "These conscientious objectors," said Mr. BRACE at last, +"are not the angels he thinks they are, and it is only with the utmost +difficulty that a large number of them will do anything like reasonable +work." Thus a PETT illusion has been shattered. Mr. SNOWDEN, however, has +plenty more. + +_Tuesday, March 27th._--If British artisans, as at Barrow-in-Furness, +prefer to strike for Germany, it seems hardly reasonable to expect German +prisoners to work for England. The nature of the "disciplinary measures" +which caused the Germans promptly to return to work on normal conditions +was not disclosed, but it seems a pity that they are not tried in the other +case. + +"We are getting on," as Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN said on a famous +occasion. Formerly it was considered the height of Parliamentary +impropriety to say in so many words that an Hon. Member was not telling the +truth; and all sorts of more or less transparent subterfuges, of which Mr. +CHURCHILL's "terminological inexactitude" is the best remembered, were +employed to evade this breach of good manners. But the present House is +thicker-skinned than its predecessors, and heard without a tremor the +following conversation between the MINISTER OF PENSIONS and Mr. HOGGE:-- +_Mr. Barnes:_ "I never said there was a scale." _Mr. Hogge:_ "Yes, you +did." _Mr. Barnes:_ "No, I didn't." + +A little later on, Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL always a stickler for constitutional +precedent, attacked the Government for introducing important +Bills--including one for extending once more the life of this immortal +Parliament--without vouchsafing any explanation of them. He appealed to +the SPEAKER to condemn this procedure as being contrary to the spirit of +the standing order. Mr. LOWTHER explained that it was his business to +carry out the rules of the House, not to express opinions about the use +that was made of them. But he ventured to remind the Hon. Member that +under this rule a Home Rule Bill, a Welsh Disestablishment Bill and a +Plural Voting Bill had all been introduced on a single day. And it is not +on record that on that occasion Mr. MACNEILL entered any protest. + +_Wednesday, March 28th_--Rumours that Mr. ASQUITH was about to make a +public recantation of his hostility to Women's Suffrage caused a large +attendance of Members, Peers and the general public. The interval of +waiting was beguiled by, among others, Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, who, having +been told by Mr. MACPHERSON that the number of accidents during the +training of pilots during the last half-year of 1916 was 1.53 per cent., +proceeded to inquire, "What is the percentage based on? Is it percentage +per hundred?" Mr. BILLING may be comforted by the recollection that a +greater than he, Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, confessed that he "never could +understand what those d--d dots meant." + +The Editor of _The Glasgow High School Magazine_ must be a proud man this +day, for he has been mentioned in Parliament. It seems that he has been +refused permission to post his periodical to subscribers in neutral +countries, and Mr. MACPHERSON explained that this was in pursuance of a +general rule, since "school magazines contain much information useful to +the enemy." It is pleasant to picture the German General Staff laboriously +ploughing through reports of football-matches, juvenile poems and letters +to the Editor complaining of the rise in prices at the tuck-shop, in order +to discover that Second-Lieutenant Blank, of the Umptieth Battery, R.F.A., +is stationed in Mesopotamia, and therefrom to deduce the present +distribution of the British Army. + +The SPEAKER occupied the Chair during the discussion of the recommendations +of his Conference on Electoral Reform, and heard nothing but good of +himself. It was, indeed, a notable achievement to have induced so +heterogeneous a collection of Members to present a practically unanimous +report on a bundle of problems acutely controversial. + +Only on one point did the Conference fail to agree, and that was in regard +to Women's Suffrage. But, after Mr. ASQUITH'S handsome admission that, by +their splendid services in the War, women had worked out their own +electoral salvation, even that topic seemed to have lost most of its +provocative quality; and there is a general desire to forget what the late +PRIME MINISTER described as a detestable campaign and bury the hatchet and +all the other weapons employed in it. + +[Illustration: "CO-ORDINATION." + +_Foreign Office._ _Admiralty_ +LORD ROBERT CECIL. SIR EDWARD CARSON] + +Do you recall the distraught lady in _Ruddigore_, who was always charmed +into silence by the mystic word "Basingstoke"? More than once during Mr. +CLAVELL SALTER'S over-elaborated speech I hoped that he would remember his +constituency and take the hint. But he went on and on, occasionally +dropping into a vein of sentiment and working it so hard that I quite +expected to hear him say, "Gentlemen of the Jury" instead of "Mr. Speaker." +When it came to the division, however, he only carried some three-score +stalwarts into the Lobby, and the House decided by a majority of 279 to +support the Government's intention to give immediate effect to the +recommendations of the Conference. + +_Thursday, March 29th._--Employers in want of agricultural labourers should +apply to Lord NEWTON, who has a large selection of interned Austrians, +Hungarians and Turks, and undertakes to supply an alien "almost by return +of post." The Turk is specially recommended, as, even if he fails to give +complete satisfaction, the farmer can relieve the monotony of an arduous +existence by "sitting on the Ottoman." + +Brave man as he is, the FOOD CONTROLLER is not prepared to prohibit +entirely the manufacture of cakes and confectionery. But he is preparing to +do something hardly less daring, namely, to standardize the types that may +be sold. + +An old spelling-book used to tell us that "It is agreeable to watch the +unparalleled embarrassment of a harassed pedlar when gauging the symmetry +of a peeled pear." Lord DEVONPORT, occupied in deciding on the exact +architecture and decoration of the Bath bun (official sealed pattern), +would make a companion picture. + +The unwillingness of some young Scottish Members to volunteer for National +Service is now explained. It seems that by an unpardonable oversight the +appeals of the DIRECTOR-GENERAL, as published in the Scottish newspapers, +were addressed "to the men of England." The wording has now been altered-- +not too late, I trust, for the country to obtain the valuable assistance of +Messrs. PRINGLE and HOGGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The New-comer._ "MY VILLAGE, I THINK?" + +_The One in Possession._ "BOBBY, OLD THING; I TOOK IT HALF-AN-HOUR AGO."] + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD-SHORTAGE. + + "Wanted, Second-hand Cavity Pan, with agitators complete, for edible + purposes."--_Manchester Guardian_. + + * * * * * + + "No potatoes are to be served in future at any meal at the Portland + Club, St. James's Square."--_Westminster Gazette_. + +Hence the new name for this club--the Devonportland. + + * * * * * + + "We shall have to work more harder."--_Daily Paper_. + +And some of us will have to write more better English. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +v. + +LAVENDER. + + Grey walls that lichen stains, + That take the sun and the rains, + Old, stately and wise; + Clipt yews, old lawns flag-bordered, + In ancient ways yet ordered; + South walks where the loud bee plies + Daylong till Summer flies;-- + _Here grows Lavender, here breathes England_. + + Gay cottage gardens, glad, + Comely, unkempt and mad, + Jumbled, jolly and quaint; + Nooks where some old man dozes; + Currants and beans and roses + Mingling without restraint; + A wicket that long lacks paint;-- + _Here grows Lavender, here breathes England_. + + Sprawling for elbow-room, + Spearing straight spikes of bloom, + Clean, wayward and tough; + Sweet and tall and slender, + True, enduring and tender, + Buoyant and bold and bluff, + Simplest, sanest of stuff;-- + _Thus grows Lavender, thence breathes England_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Baker._ "WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LITTLE CHAP?" + +_Mother._ "I GIVE IT UP. I'VE GIVEN HIM A BUN--I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE 'E +WANTS. I CAN'T GET 'IM TO REALISE THERE'S A WAR ON."] + + * * * * * + +CO-OPERATIVE ADVERTISEMENTS. + +In view of the restriction of the paper supply it has been suggested that +advertisers should unite in cultivating the available space on a co-operative +intensive system. + +For example, the various proprietors of three popular brands of cigarettes, +instead of having a page advertisement each, might combine in one single +page, like this:-- + + THREE OF THE BEST. + + _You cannot consider yourself a connoisseur of + cigarettes unless you are able to distinguish at + one and the same time the individually exquisite + flavours of_ + "THE BRASS HAT" + "THE OFFENSIVE." + "THE GAS ATTACK." + + _THERE IS NO OTHER PERFECT BLEND._ + + These cigarettes are smoked in our patent + "Trident" cigarette-holders. + + Of all Tobacconists. + +You see? Not only does each manufacturer still obtain the same sale for his +cigarettes, but he actually gains a third share in the profits of a new +accessory--the triple cigarette-holder. + +Of course ingenuity of this sort is not required when the advertisers are +not in any sense rivals. All that is then necessary is what we may call the +_economic common factor of appeal_. For instance:-- + + ARE YOU ON OUR WAITING LIST? + + The War Office | The Cricklewood + Car. | Crematorium. + + _As soon as we are through with our urgent + contracts we shall be happy to serve you._ + +Finally, we note that there are innumerable classifications of +_complementary trades_ which are, of course, eminently suited to +co-operative advertising. We append two samples of what may be done in +this direction. + + I. + + _If you want to GET an Engagement as Mistress_-- + Solicit an interview at the + HOUSEWIVES' HOSTEL. + + _If you want to KEEP an Engagement as Mistress_-- + Have the whole of your Servants' Suite + CREATED BY + THE CLASSY FURNISHING CO. + + * * * * * + + II. + + As Omar Khayyam said:-- + + "_A Loaf of Bread_--" + "MONKEY-NUTTO-BRAN" + Contains the whole of the husk. + + "_A Flask of Wine_--" + A Wise Host + _PLUMES HIMSELF_ + on his + CHATEAU VINAIGRETTE. + + "_A Book of Verse_--" + "_PURPLE PIFFLE._" + By + PERCIVAL DRIVEL. + + * * * * * + + "No submarines were sighted, but the vessel's commander steered a + tortoise course through the danger zone."--_Newfoundland Paper._ + +Far, far better than turning turtle. + + * * * * * + + "Metra laughed and deposited herself bewitchingly among the cushions on + the davenport."--_London Magazine_. + +Personally, we prefer a roll on the top of an American desk. + + * * * * * + + "By Regulation 35B of the Defence of the Realm Regulations, it is an + offence for any person having found any bomb, or projectile, or any + fragment thereof, or any document, map, &c., which may have been + discharged, dropped, &c., from any hostile aircraft, to forthwith + communicate the fact to a Military Post or to a Police Constable in the + neighbourhood."--_Scotsman_. + +Why this mistrust of Scottish policemen? + + * * * * * + +EARLIER FOOD PROBLEMS. + +Peace, I remember, had her alimentary perplexities not much less renowned +than war. At any rate I can think of two. + +The first was some years ago, in Yorkshire, on one of those sultry and +stifling days of August which in winter, or even in such a March as we have +been suffering, one can view as something more desirable than rubies, but +which in actual fact are depressing, enervating, and the mother of +moodiness and fatigue. We had left Chop Yat early in the morning after a +night of excessive heat in beds of excessive featheriness and were walking +towards Helmsley by way of Rievaulx, all unconcerned as to lunch by the +way, because the ordnance map marked with such cordial legibility an inn on +the road at a reasonable distance. Moreover, was not Yorkshire made up of +hospitable ridings, and had we not, on the previous day, found lunch in +this cottage and tea in that, with no trouble at all, to say nothing of the +terrific spread confronting us at Chop Yat? Why then carry anything? + +But we soon began to regret the absence of sustenance, for this kind of +weather makes for extreme lassitude shot through with rattiness, and under +its influence nourishment dies in one with painful celerity. + +The blessed word "inn" was however on the ordnance map, and since it was +the one-inch scale that cannot lie we braced ourselves, mended and remended +our tempers, and plodded on. The dales no doubt are gorgeous places, but +under this grey humid sky anyone who wanted it could have had my share of +Billsdale (as I believe it was). Scenery had become an outrage. There was +no joy, no beauty; nothing was worth living for but that inn. As we +laboured forward we cheered each other by word-pictures of its parlour, its +larder and its cellar. A pork-pie ("porch-peen" I fancy the Yorkshiremen +call it) would probably be there. Eggs, of course. A ham, surely. Bacon, no +doubt. Yellow butter, crusty new bread, and beer. Indeed, let the rest go, +so long as there was beer. But beer, of course, was beyond any question; an +inn without beer was unthinkable. + +Thus the miles wore away until, footsore, sticky and faint, we came upon +the hostelry itself--only to find, instead of any grateful sign and the +promise of delight, the frigid words, "Friends' Meeting House," painted on +the board.... + +That was one experience, over which a veil may well be drawn. The other was +not so long ago, in Sussex, a little before the War. This time we had not +walked, but had done that much more hungrifying thing--we had been for +hours in a motor-car, exceedingly engaged on the task of looking at houses +to let. At last, utterly worn out, in the way that motoring can wear out +body, soul and nerves, and filled with a ravening desire to tear meat limb +from limb, we came to an inn of which our host had the highest opinion--so +high, indeed, that, empty though we were, he had forced the car at +full-speed past at least half-a-dozen admirable but less pretentious +houses, where I, in my small way, had more than once been nourished and +sustained. + +When, however, at last we did arrive at his desired haven, late in the +afternoon, when dusk was beginning to fall and blur with her gentle hand +the sharp lines of hill and tree, we acknowledged his wisdom, for in the +window beside the door, where we creakingly but joyfully alighted, were +visible, although no longer distinctly, a vast ham as yet uncut and two +richly-browned cold fowls. "There," said he, with a pardonable triumph, +"didn't I tell you?" and so, our lips trembling with the anticipation of +nutriment, we entered, flung off our wraps, and prepared, on the evidence, +for such bliss as earth too rarely affords. But alas for hopes raised only +to be shattered, for the host had nothing to offer us but bread and cheese. +The ham and chickens were of _papier-mache_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry._ '"OO GOES THERE?" + +_Jock._ "TWA SCOTCHES, AN' AWFU' UNDER PROOF."] + + * * * * * + + "HOTEL. ---- Sitting Waiter required, good experience."--_Bournemouth + Daily Echo_. + +The inclusion of the functions of a waiter among "sedentary occupations" +explains a good deal. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ex-Proprietor of a Cokernut Stall_ (_who has just had his +helmet shot off_). "WHAT'LL YE 'AVE, FRITZ--NUTS OR A SEEGAR?"] + + * * * * * + +FROM LORD DEVONPORT'S LETTER-BAG. + +I.--_From Professor Tripewell._ + +MY LORD,--You will, no doubt, forgive me for drawing your attention to the +fact that the rationing system, to which you have lent the credit of your +name, will bring us to the end of our food supplies in something +considerably less than a month from now. I am far from wishing to be an +alarmist, but it is as well that we should face the facts, especially when +they are supported by statistics so irrefutable as those which I am willing +to produce to you at any moment on receiving your request to do so. + +Fortunately it is not yet too late to apply a simple and adequate remedy to +this condition of affairs. All you have to do is to issue _and enforce_ an +Order in the following terms:-- + +(1) Every occasion on which food, no matter how small the amount, is eaten +shall count as a meal. + +(2) Not more than two meals shall be eaten by any person, of whatever size, +age or sex, in a day of twenty-four hours. + +(3) No meal shall last more than ten minutes. + +(4) The mastication of every mouthful shall last not less than thirty +seconds. + +(5) A mouthful for the purpose of this Order shall not consist of more food +than can be conveyed to the mouth in an ordinary teaspoon. + +I venture to think that this order, _if issued at once and drastically +applied_, will meet every difficulty, and that we shall hear no more of a +shortage. + + * * * * * + +II.--_From Joshua Stodmarsh._ + +DEAR OLD SPORT,--It won't do--really it won't. I've been doing my best to +give your plan of food rations a fair run, and every week I've found myself +on the wrong side of the fence. I have never considered myself a large or +reckless eater, though I own to having had a liking for a good breakfast +(fish, kidneys and eggs, with muffin or buttered toast and marmalade) as a +start for the day. Then came luncheon--steak or chop or Irish stew, with a +roly-poly pudding to follow, and a top-up of bread-and-butter and cheese. +Tea, of course, at five o'clock, with more buttered toast, and then home to +a good solid dinner of soup, fish and _entree_ and joint and some sort of +sweet. This just left room for an occasional supper--say three times a +week. It doesn't sound out of the way, now does it? And you must remember +that I'm not one of your thin, dwarfish, anaemic blokes that you could feed +out of a packet of bird-seed. No, I stand six foot, and I don't weigh an +ounce under seventeen stone. Dear old boy, you can't have the heart to ask +me to do it. + + * * * * * + +III.--From _Miss Lavinia Fluttermere_. + +DEAR LORD DEVONPORT,--I am writing on behalf of my sister Penelope as well +as on my own to bring before you a difficulty under which we are labouring +in connection with your Lordship's order in regard to the consumption of +food. We are two sisters, the daughters of a country clergyman, who died +when I was eighteen and Penelope a year and a half younger. I tell you this +to show you that we were not accustomed in our youth to luxurious living. +For many years now Penelope and I have lived together in a very small way +on the income of an annuity for our joint lives which was bought with a sum +of money left to us by an uncle. On this we have managed to get along +comfortably, and have even been able to pay for occasional help in the work +of our very modest household. When your Lordship's food order was issued we +determined to obey it strictly, being glad of an opportunity to show our +patriotic devotion to the cause of our country. "It will be hard for us, +Penelope," I said, "for we are not used to such quantities of meat, and +even the allowance of bread is too great, I fear, for our poor appetites; +but, since Lord DEVONPORT wishes it, all we can do is to obey, even though +this may entail a change in our manner of living and an increase in our +weekly expenses." Penelope agreed, and on this principle we have +endeavoured to act. We have, however, now found the task to be beyond our +capacity, though we have struggled loyally to fulfil the duty imposed upon +us; and we write to ask your Lordship to grant us some dispensation, lest +permanent plethora should ensue. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +Mr. Punch desires to support very heartily Lord BERESFORD'S appeal on +behalf of the fine work of the Ladies' Emergency Committee of the Navy +League, who supply warm clothing to the crews of men-of-war and mercantile +auxiliaries; equipment to Naval hospitals, and parcels of food and other +necessaries to Naval prisoners of war. The strain upon the Committee's +resources has been very heavy, and Mr. Punch is confident that his friends +will not allow our gallant sea-services to suffer through any need which it +is within their power to supply. + +Cheques may be made payable to Admiral Lord BERESFORD, and addressed to the +Hon. Secretary, Ladies' Emergency Committee of the Navy League, 56, Queen +Anne Street, Cavendish Street, W. + + * * * * * + + "L1 REWARD.--Lost, Umbrella, engraved W.C.B. 1865-1915."--_The Times_. + +We do not believe that such a faithful friend is lost; it has simply gone +out to celebrate its jubilee. + + * * * * * + + "FOOD IN FRANCE. + + A friend who was in France last week tells me that the only cheap + article of diet just now is eggs, which are about 1-1/2d. each. Meat, + he said, averages 5f. a kilo, which is about the equivalent of 5s. a + pound."--_Daily Mirror_. + +No wonder we are not allowed to have the metric system. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMOURS OF A REMOUNT DEPOT. + +_Sergeant._ "FRIGHTENED OF 'IM, ARE YOU? DIDN'T YOU 'AVE NOTHIN' TO DO WITH +ANIMALS BEFORE YE JOINED UP?" + +_Recruit._ "YESSIR. I WAS A LION-TAMER."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +MR. CONRAD'S new hero is an unnamed chief-mate who gets his first command +to a sailing vessel, also unnamed--queer and of course quite deliberate +instance of the author's reticent, allusive method which is so entirely +plausible. Her last captain, who had some mad savage hatred of ship and +crew, died aboard her and was buried in latitude 8 deg. 20'. The chief-mate, +who got the vessel back to port and remained under her new captain, is +convinced that the dead man haunts her vengefully; and one desperate +accident after another, racking a crew overwhelmed with fever, almost +persuades the captain to share the mate's illusion that 8 deg. 20'--_The Shadow +Line_ (DENT)--is possessed by the dead scoundrel. I found the book less +interesting as a yarn than as an example of the astonishingly conscious and +perfect artistry of this really great master of the ways of men and words. +Mr. CONRAD never made me believe that the new captain would go so near +sharing his mate's superstitious panic (which is perhaps because I know +little of sailor-men save what he has taught me); and in the incident, so +curiously and deliberately detailed, of his finding the quinine bottles +filled with a worthless substitute, and letting them "each in turn" slip to +ground, I had again the most unusual shock of being unable to accept the +credibility of his invention. This is so rare an experience that it only +throws into relief for me the fine craft of this most brilliant of our +impressionists, who tells so much with such delicate strokes, so +conscientiously considered, so unerringly conveyed. + + * * * * * + +_This is the End_ (MACMILLAN) is the kind of book that only youth can +write--youth at its best. It has the qualities and defects of its +parentage; but the qualities, a fine careless rapture, sensitive vision, a +wayward and jolly fantasy, challenging provocativeness, faintly malicious +humour, are dominant. Miss STELLA BENSON will grow out of her youthful +cynicisms and intolerances, will focus her effects, without losing any of +her substantial equipment. This is by no means the end. It is the second +step of a very brilliant beginning. Already it shows improvement upon her +first clever book, _I Pose_; a surer touch, a finer restraint. What is it +all about? Does that matter? It is the manner of the telling rather than +what is told that constitutes the charm. If I tell, you that _Jay_ runs +away from a respectable home, and, after a grievous experiment as a +bolster-filler, becomes a bus-conductor, has a romantic friendship with a +middle-aged married man, and marries the faithful _Mr. Morgan_, her dead +brother's soldier friend, I have told you just nothing at all. I will +merely add that you will be foolish if you miss this book. + + * * * * * + +I have to begin by confessing that, despite its most attractive title, my +first glance into _French Windows_ (ARNOLD) produced in me some feeling of +prejudice. It was not that I failed to recognise both dignity and beauty of +phrase in the writing; on the contrary, I told myself that "Mr. JOHN +AYSCOUGH" had been betrayed by his own appreciation of beautiful phrases +into an indulgence in "style," a deliberate arrangement of his war-pictures +that was somehow out of harmony with the stark and horrible simplicity of +their subject. But I hasten to make confession that this was but a passing +and, I am convinced, a wrong judgment. Indeed, the abiding impression that +the book has left upon me is one of enormous sincerity. Both as a soldier +and a priest, the writer enjoyed (as his publishers quite justly say) +special opportunities for getting into touch with men of all sorts and +conditions. This, aided by his own gift of sympathy and comradeship, has +resulted in a book that is very largely a record of fleeting but genuine +friendships, made with individual soldiers, both French and English, in the +Western battle. Many of them contain portraits and character-studies (a +pedantic term for anything so sensitive and sympathetic as these tributes +to nameless heroes, but I can find no better) that linger in the memory. I +defy you, for example, to forget soon the story of that winter walk taken +by the writer and certain officer-boys of his unit to the Cistercian +Monastery, and what _Chutney_ said by the way; and what happened +afterwards. For the sake of such sincere and memorable sketches as this I +am more than ready to forgive what seemed like a touch of artifice +elsewhere. + + * * * * * + +Mr. GEORGE MOORE, continuing his labours as reviser and editor-in-chief of +the Moorish masterpieces, has now directed his attention to _A Modern +Lover_. Finding this (presumably) not modern enough, he has refashioned and +republished it under the admirably comprehensive title of _Lewis Seymour +and Some Women_ (HEINEMANN). Not having the original at hand, I am unable +to indulge in comparisons; but there seems good reason to suppose that +_Lewis Seymour's_ relations with the three amiable ladies who assist his +artistic and amatory career remain very much what they probably were in the +beginning. As for the tale itself, that too will hardly belie your +expectation, being full of cleverness, carried off with an infectious +gaiety, and boasting (I use the word advisedly) more than a sufficiency of +that rather assertive and school-boy impropriety which the charitable might +quote as evidence of our author's perpetual youth. It is an interesting, +though perhaps futile, speculation to reflect how Mr. THOMAS HARDY, to +whose plots the present bears some resemblance, might have handled it. Had +_Lewis Seymour_ pursued his education in womanhood under the guidance of +the wizard of Dorchester there would probably have been less of the +atmosphere of holiday humour; but, on the other hand, we should almost +certainly have been spared the quite superfluous naughtiness of the +Parisian scenes. By the way, talking of Paris, surely I am right in +supposing that the vision of a revived Versailles was an experience of two +ladies? It is unexpected to find Mr. MOORE denying anything to "the sex." + + * * * * * + +Of the late Mr. JACK LONDON'S alternative methods of writing, the defiantly +propagandist and the joyously adventurous, I, being an average reader, have +always preferred the latter; so that, remembering how separate and distinct +he usually kept his two styles, I expected, in taking up _The Strength of +the Strong_ (MILLS AND BOON), to be immediately either disappointed or +gratified. But, as it turns out, the half-dozen essay-stories that make up +this slender volume are by no means characteristic, for there is very +little plot in any, and even less attempt forcibly to extract a moral; and +amongst them are two not very successful North of Ireland studies that seem +to have no connection at all with the author's usual manner. The volume is +made up of social pictures, all (as Mr. LONDON liked to pretend) within his +own experience, presented impartially for you to study, and draw, if you +choose, your own conclusions. That experience ranges, comprehensively +enough, from a first-hand sketch of primeval man attempting rather +unhappily to group himself in clans and tribes, to a journalistic note of +the Yellow Peril that materialised, we learn, somewhere late in the +twentieth century and was overcome by science liberating disease--a Hunnish +method no longer novel. Of the series I like best the tale of the San +Francisco professor of dual personality, who by dint of much practical +study of labour problems came at last to cut loose from his own circle and +disappear in the army of industry. In this chapter alone is there a spark +of the volcanic fire, now unhappily no longer in eruption, that blazes in +such great stories as _The Sea Wolf_, _Adventure_ and _Burning Daylight_. + + * * * * * + +Though there may be no very particular reason why you should be invited to +read _The Love Story of Guillaume-Marc_ (HUTCHINSON) it is, I vouch, a +vivid enough tale of its _genre_. Squeamish folk, perhaps, may think that +this is not the most opportune time at which to draw attention to the +blood-lust that was so marked a feature of the French Revolution. But, +granted that you do not suffer from squeams, you will find Miss MARIAN +BOWER a deft weaver of romance. Here love and adventure walk firmly +hand-in-hand, and from the moment _Guillaume-Marc_ makes his entrance upon +the stage until the happy ending is reached any day might have been his +last. The villain, too, is a satisfactory scoundrel, and cunning withal. +"Brains," he considered, "may conceive revolutions, but it is the empty +stomach which propagates them." I wonder whether they have the brains for +it in Berlin. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Helen_ (_who has been reckoning termination of the War by +counting opposite diner's prune stones_). "MOTHER, I _DO_ BELIEVE IT'S +GOING TO BE _THIS_ YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +According to a recent official _communique_ from Petrograd, among the +captures on the Caucasian Front was "an apomecometer (an instrument for +estimating altitudes)." It is understood that the latest Turkish estimate +of the "All Highest" was captured with the instrument, but was found to be +unfit for publication. + + * * * * * + + "The _Weser Zeitung_ now reports from Berlin that deliberations by the + State authorities have led to the decision that from April 15 the meat + ration will be increased to half a kilometre (about 17-1/2 ozs.) per + week."--_Liverpool Daily Post_. + +This must refer to the sausage-ration, which by reason of its length and +tenuity is now advertised by the butchers (civilian) of Berlin as "The +HINDENBURG line." + + * * * * * + + "STEAM LUNCH--50 ft. x 7-1/4 ft., fast, liquid fuel."--_Yachting + Monthly_. + +A meal of these dimensions should surely attract the attention both of the +FOOD CONTROLLER and the Liquor Control Board. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, April 4, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14974.txt or 14974.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/7/14974/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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