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diff --git a/14991-h/14991-h.htm b/14991-h/14991-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e265ae --- /dev/null +++ b/14991-h/14991-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2285 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 9, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + pre {font-size: 8pt;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +July 9, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 9, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: February 9, 2005 [eBook #14991]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, JULY 9, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 9, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1-1.png" + alt="Vol. CIII" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SIMPLE AS A "B" "C."</h2> + + <p>DEAR EX-CHANCELLOR WITH A PAST,—I am sorry to have to + address you, especially as to you I owe my promotion. But + matters are coming to a crisis, and the Fatherland is suffering + from your indiscretions. You are making a great + mistake—you are, indeed.</p> + + <p>Now, I ask you, what would you do under the following + circumstances? Supposing you were in my position, what would + you do if your predecessor held you up to ridicule, spoilt all + your favourite diplomatic plans, insulted your employer, and + made himself generally disagreeable all round? You must know, + my good Prince, that you are sowing dissension in every + direction. You are embroiling us with Russia, and running the + chance of a war with France. Moreover, you are breaking the + very laws you made for the solitary purpose of meeting the case + you have raised yourself! So now, with every kindly + recollection of the past, tell me why I don't arrest you, why I + don't put you into prison, why I don't break your power once + and for ever?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + VON C——.</p> + + <h4><i>Reply to the above.</i></h4> + + <p>DEAR CHANCELLOR WITHOUT A FUTURE,—I will answer you + why you do not arrest me? The simple reason is that you, my + dear friend, are not BISMARCK.</p> + + <p class="author">And I am, yours truly,<br /> + VON B——.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A CORRESPONDENT signing himself "ONE WHO LIVES AND LEARNS," + wishes to know what is the meaning of the expression, "The + Minute Gun at Sea?" We will tell him. "A Minute Gun" is, of + course, a very small one. When it goes wrong, it is "at sea." + No extra charge for this gun.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM.—You can't expect much from the Speakers at a + Convention, where the Speeches must be Conventional.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"HARPY THOUGHT!"—Mr. JOHN THOMAS's Grand Harp + Concert.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A WILDE IDEA.</h3> + + <h4>OR, MORE INJUSTICE TO IRELAND!</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/1-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The licence for the production of his French Play of + <i>Salomé</i>, accepted by SARAH B., having been refused by the + Saxon Licenser of Plays, The O'SCAR, dreams of becoming a + French Citizen, but doesn't quite "see himself," at the + beginning of his career, as a conscript in the French Army, and + so, to adapt the Gilbertian lines, probably—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"In spite of great temptation</p> + + <p>To French na-tu-ra-li-sa-tion,</p> + + <p>He'll remain an Irishman!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MY PUGGY!</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A Correspondent writes to the <i>Standard</i> in praise + of pugs, as the most useful household dogs to prevent + burglaries.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who bears, despite a wrinkled skin,</p> + + <p>A heart that's soft and warm within,</p> + + <p>And hates a visitor like sin?—</p> + + <p class="i10">My puggy!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who has a little temper of</p> + + <p>His own, and sports a winter cough,</p> + + <p>And thinks himself a mighty toff?—</p> + + <p class="i10">My puggy!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whose voice, disturbing midnight rest,</p> + + <p>Do wily house-breakers detest,</p> + + <p>And move to some less guarded nest?—</p> + + <p class="i10">My puggy's!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who does not, like a stupid cat,</p> + + <p>'Gainst burglars' boots rub himself flat,—</p> + + <p>Soliciting a felon's pat?—</p> + + <p class="i10">My puggy!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when the burglar's body's half</p> + + <p>Inside the sash, with doggish laugh,</p> + + <p>Who masticates his nearest calf?—</p> + + <p class="i10">My puggy!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who owns a phiz (which <i>I</i> could hug),</p> + + <p>That's called by stupid boys an ug-</p> + + <p>ly sulky unattractive "mug?"—</p> + + <p class="i10">My puggy!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, has been sightseeing in the + country. Being asked whether she had seen the Midgetts, she + said, "Don't mention 'em, my dear! I've seen 'em, and felt + 'em—thousands of 'em—they very nearly closed my + eyes up."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THROUGH EVER-GREEN + GLASSES.</h3><a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/2.png" + alt="THROUGH EVER-GREEN GLASSES." /></a> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["On the side of those poor men who constitute the + Irish nation, with their few and disparaged leaders, we + have found a consideration, a calmness, and a + liberality of view, a disposition to interpret + everything in the best sense, and to make every + concession that could possibly bring harmony + about."—<i>Mr. Gladstone in Edinburgh.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>The Wearing of the Green</i>." + </center> + + <center> + <i>Ever-Green Statesman sings</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Och, Erin dear, and did ye hear the cry that's + going round?</p> + + <p>The Home-Rule plant they would forbid to grow on + Irish ground.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> had my doubts at one time, but more + clearly I have seen</p> + + <p>Since I took—in shamrock + spectacles—to Wearing of the Green.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm Ever-Green myself, ye know, so take me by + the hand,</p> + + <p>And tell me how Ould Oireland is, and how our + chances stand.</p> + + <p>'Tis the most disthressful country, dear, that + ever yet was seen;</p> + + <p>But I'm sworn to right ye, darlint, now I'm + Wearing of the Green!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With unsurpassed frivolity and cruelty, 'tis + said,</p> + + <p>That you, Mavourneen, wish to set your heel on + Ulster's head.</p> + + <p>If <i>you</i>, who under Orange foot so long + time have been trod,</p> + + <p>Would trample down your tyrants old, it would be + passing odd.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i>—I'm Ever-Green myself, ye know, + &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the law can stop your friends, my dear, + from growing as they grow,</p> + + <p>When the Tories stop my "flowing tide" from + flowing as 'twill flow,</p> + + <p>Then I will change the colour, dear, that in my + specs is seen,</p> + + <p>But until that day, please Heaven, I'll stick to + Wearing of the Green.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am Ever-Green myself as is your own dear + Emerald Land,</p> + + <p>And that is why the Green Isle's case I've + learned to understand.</p> + + <p>'Tis the most disthressful country, yours, that + ever yet was seen;</p> + + <p>But <i>I'll</i> right ye. Twig my glasses, dear! + I'm Wearing of the Green!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h2>THE LAST TRAIN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It will fade from mortal vision,</p> + + <p class="i2">So the fashion-plates ordain;</p> + + <p>Worthy subject of derision,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not the mail, but female, train!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It has goaded men to mutter</p> + + <p class="i2">Words unhappily profane,</p> + + <p>Trailed in ball-room or in gutter,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whether cheap or first-class train.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far and wide, on floor and paving,</p> + + <p class="i2">Spread the dress to catch the swain;</p> + + <p>Sometimes long—in distance waving;</p> + + <p class="i2">Sometimes wide—a "broad-gauge + train."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It has dragged a long existence</p> + + <p class="i2">Through the dust, the mud, the rain,</p> + + <p>Great is feminine persistence,</p> + + <p class="i2">She would never lose the train.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Booby-traps were beaten hollow,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hapless man stepped back in vain,</p> + + <p>Knowing what a trip would follow</p> + + <p class="i2">If he only caught the train!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the anguish that it gave us,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quite unnecessary pain!</p> + + <p>WORTH, not WESTINGHOUSE, will save us,</p> + + <p class="i2">And at last will stop the train!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. R., hearing her Nephew say that he had been discussing + some "Two-year-old Stakes" with a friend, observed that she was + afraid they must have been dreadfully tough, adding, after + consideration, "Perhaps they were frozen meat."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="AN EXCITING TIME." /></a> + + <h3>AN EXCITING TIME.</h3>POOR JONES IS CONVINCED THAT HIS + WORST FEARS ARE AT LAST REALISED, AND HE <i>IS</i> LEFT + ALONE WITH A <i>DANGEROUS LUNATIC</i>!! (IT WAS ONLY LITTLE + WOBBLES RUNNING ANXIOUSLY OVER THE POINTS OF HIS COMING + SPEECH TO THE ELECTORS OF PLUMPWELL-ON-TYME!!) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE CANDIDATE'S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>In Answer to a Sweep asking for a F.O. Clerkship.</i>) + </center> + + <p>MY DEAR MR. ——,</p> + + <p>Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to secure for + your interesting son a Clerkship in the Foreign Office. The + fact that he has a distaste for the profession to which you + belong would be no disqualification. I agree with you that + chimney-sweeping is better than diplomacy. However, if he won't + help you it can't be helped. I am exceptionally busy just now, + but please repeat the purport of your letter after the + Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than + now to assist you,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours sincerely,<br /> + SOPHT SAWDER.</p> + + <center> + (<i>In Answer to a Letter about meeting a Duchess.</i>) + </center> + + <p>MY DEAR MADAM,</p> + + <p>Yes, I have the honour of the Duchess's acquaintance. As you + say, Her Grace's "at homes" are charming, but of course they + are not equal to her dinners. I shall be only too pleased if I + can bring about a meeting with the Duchess.</p> + + <p>I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the + purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not + be in a better position then than now to assist you.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours sincerely,<br /> + SOPHT SAWDER.</p> + + <center> + (<i>In Answer to all Letters generally.</i>) + </center> + + <p>MY DEAR ——,</p> + + <p>Of course I shall be only too delighted to help you in any + way in my power. You may always command me—only too + pleased, only too overjoyed. But the fact is, I am just now + exceptionally busy. Please repeat the purport of your letter + after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position + then than now to assist you.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours sincerely,<br /> + SOPHT SAWDER.</p> + + <center> + (<i>Common Form Reply to Answers to the above.</i>) + </center> + + <p>MR. SOPHT SAWDER, M.P., presents his compliments to + ——, and begs to say that he has no recollection of + having promised anything. Mr. S.S. regrets to say that he has + no time for an interview.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRICKLE-ME-UPS.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—I am delighted to observe that some Constant + Contributors (to other papers, not yours, Sir) are making + dietetic experiments on Nettles. Perhaps you would allow me to + mention that Groundsel Salad is a delicious dish, when you get + used to it, and that a <i>Purée</i> of Chickweed rarely fails + to create delighted astonishment at a crowded dinner-table. + Bramble Pie is another excellent recipe straight from Dame + Nature's Cookery Book. With great care, it is possible to cook + Thistles in such a way as to make them taste just like + Artichokes. My family often has these and similar delicacies at + their mid-day meal, when I am away in the City.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + LOVER OF ECONOMY.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I saw that letter about eating Nettles. Of course + it's all rot (it you will excuse the expression), but I thought + it would be fun to try the nettle diet on my Uncle JAMES, who + never gives me a tip when I go to visit him, although my Mother + says he's as rich as Creesers, though I don't know who they + are. So I got one or two good stinging ones (I knew they were + stingers, because I tried them on Cook first) and cut off + little bits and put them in Uncle JAMES's sandwiches, which he + always has for lunch. It was awful larks to watch him eat them. + I thought he'd have a fit. Then I said good-bye, and I haven't + been near him since. But I got Cook to take him in a dock-leaf + from me, and I hope he ate it after the sandwiches. I thought + it might do him good. I'm going to try nettle sandwiches on a + boy I know at school, who's a beast. I expect it will give him + nettle-rash. No more now from</p> + + <p class="author">Yours respectfully,<br /> + TOMMY.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I frequently recommend patients suffering from + advanced atrophy to try Nettle Broth. I must say that I am + myself nettled, when they reply that they prefer the advanced + atrophy. A good counter-irritant in cases of blood-poisoning is + a stout holly leaf, <i>eaten raw</i>. In serious cases of + collapse, if a patient can be got to consume a cactus or a + prickly pear, the stimulative effect is really surprising. In + the absence of these products of the vegetable kingdom, a + hedge-stake, taken directly after a meal, will do equally + well.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours professionally,<br /> + SOLUBLE SALT, F.R.C.P.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <h2>AT THE WILD WEST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Sketch at Earl's Court.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Orator's Opening Discourse</i> (<i>as heard in + the back rows</i>). Ladies and Gentlemen, I desire to draw + your attention to an important fact. It will be my pleasure + to introduce to you ... ("<i>The real American popcorn, + equally famous in Paris and London, tuppence each packet!" + from Vendor in gangway</i>) ... history and life of the ... + (<i>"'Buffalo Bill Puzzle,' one penny!" from another vendor + behind</i>) ... impress one fact upon your minds; this is + not ... (<i>roar and rattle of passing train</i>) ... in + the ordinary or common acceptation of ... + (<i>"Puff-puff-puff!" from engine shunting trucks</i>) ... + Many unthinking persons have said ... (<i>Piercing and + prolonged scream from same engine.</i>) This is not so. On + the contrary ... (<i>Metallic bangs from trucks.</i>) Men + and animals are ... ("<i>Programmes! Opera-glasses on + hire!</i>") ... purely the creatures of ...</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Remainder of remarks hopelessly lost amidst the + clank of coupling chains, whistles, snorts and puffs from + shunting engine.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Old Lady in Audience.</i> He has such a beautiful + clear voice, we <i>ought</i> to hear every word. If + <i>I</i> were Buffalo BILL, I should positively insist on + the trains keeping quiet while the Orator was speaking!</p> + + <p><i>Orator</i> (<i>during the Grand Processional + Review</i>). A Troop of Arapahoe Indians!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Band strikes up; a party of painted Indians gallop + into Arena, uttering little puppy-like barks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Artistic Lady</i> (<i>shuddering</i>). Look at + that creature with a raw pink body, and a pea-green + face—it's too <i>frightful</i>, and such <i>crude</i> + yellows! I <i>wish</i> they could be taught to paint + themselves some <i>decent</i> colour!</p> + + <p><i>Her Sister.</i> Really, dear, as far as + <i>decency</i> is concerned, I don't exactly see what + difference the mere <i>colour</i> would make.</p> + + <p><i>Her Husband.</i> That isn't quite what EMILY meant. + She'd like to enamel 'em all in Art shades and drape + Liberty scarves round 'em, like terra-cotta drainpipes or + wicker-chairs—eh, EMILY?</p> + + <p><i>Emily</i> (<i>loftily</i>). Oh, my dear HENRY, I + wasn't speaking to <i>you</i>. I know what a contempt you + have for all that makes a home beautiful!</p> + + <p><i>Henry.</i> Meaning Indians? My love, I respect them + and admire them—at a distance; but, plain <i>or</i> + coloured, I cannot admit that they would be decorative as + furniture—even in <i>your</i> drawing-room!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[EMILY <i>endures him in silence.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Orator.</i> A party of Women of the Ogallalla + Tribe!</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="'I am perfectly aware of <i>that</i>, Euphemia!'" /> + </a>"I am perfectly aware of <i>that</i>, Euphemia!" + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Three mounted Indian ladies in blankets—walk + their horses slowly round the Arena, crooning + "Aye-eia-ha-ya-hee-hi-ya!" with every sign of enjoying + their own performance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Poetical Lady.</i> What strange wild singing it + is, JOHN! There's something so creepy about it, + somehow.</p> + + <p><i>John</i> (<i>a prosaic but frivolous person</i>). + There is, indeed. It explains <i>one</i> thing I never + quite understood before, though.</p> + + <p><i>The Poetical Lady.</i> I thought it would impress + you—but what does it explain?</p> + + <p><i>John.</i> The reason why the buffalo in those parts + has so entirely died out.</p> + + <p><i>A Rigid Matron</i> (<i>during the Emigrant Train + Scene</i>). I don't care to see a girl ride in that bold + way myself. I'm sure it <i>must</i> be so unsexing for + them. And what <i>is</i> she about now, with that man? + They're actually having a duel with knives—on + <i>horseback</i> too! not at <i>all</i> a nice thing for + any young girl to do. There! she's pulled out a pistol and + shot him—and galloped off as if nothing had happened! + I have always heard that American girls were allowed a good + <i>deal</i> of liberty—but I'd really no idea they + went as far as this! I should be sorry indeed to see any + girl of <i>mine</i> (<i>here the glances instructively at + three dumpy and dough-faced Daughters</i>) acting in that + forward and <i>most</i> unfeminine manner. + (<i>Reassuringly.</i>) But I'm very sure there's no fear of + <i>that</i>, is there, dears?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Daughters repudiate with gratifying unanimity + any desire to shoot gentlemen on horseback.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Bloodthirsty Boy</i> (<i>as the hostile Indians + attack the train</i>). Will the Indians <i>scalp</i> + anybody, Uncle?</p> + + <p><i>His Uncle.</i> No, my boy, they don't let 'em get + near enough for that, you see! [<i>The Indians are + ignominiously chased off by Cowboys.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Boy</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). They'd a splendid + chance of scalping the Orator that time—and not one + of them even saw it!</p> + + <p><i>Orator.</i> Captain JACK BURTZ, of the United States + Army, will now give you an example of his phenomenal + Lightning Drill.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Captain takes up his position with an air of + fierce resolution, and proceeds to do wonderful things with + a rifle and fixed bayonet, which he treats with a + familiarity bordering on contempt.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Lady</i> (<i>to a</i> Military Friend—<i>as + the Captain twirls the rifle rapidly round his neck</i>). + Have you ever seen anyone drill like that before?</p> + + <p><i>The Mil. F.</i> Saw CINQUEVALLI do something very + like it at the Empire. But <i>he</i> had a cannon-ball as + well.</p> + + <p><i>The Lady.</i> Look at him now—he's making the + gun revolve upside down with the bayonet on the palm of his + hand! Could <i>you</i> do that?</p> + + <p><i>The M.F.</i> Not without drilling a hole in + myself.</p> + + <p><i>The Lady.</i> It really is wonderful that he + shouldn't feel the point, isn't it now?</p> + + <p><i>The M.F.</i> Well, I don't see much point <i>in</i> + it myself—but so long as it amuses him, I daresay + it's all right.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Captain discharges the gun in the air and + retires at the double, feeling that his country's safety is + secure for the present.</i> JOHNNY BAKER, <i>the young + American Marksman, appears and exhibits his skill in + shooting upside down.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Rigid Matron.</i> He missed one that + time—he's not quite such a good shot as the girl + was.</p> + + <p><i>One of the Daughters.</i> Oh, but, Mother, you + forget! Miss ANNIE OAKLEY didn't stand on + <i>her</i>—</p> + + <p><i>The R.M.</i> (<i>in an awful voice</i>), I am + perfectly aware of that, EUPHEMIA; so pray don't make such + unnecessary remarks!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[EUPHEMIA <i>subsides in confusion.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Unsophisticated Spectator</i> (<i>as Master</i> + BAKER, <i>after rubbing his forehead, discovers a brickbat + under the mat where his head had been</i>). Now, how + <i>very</i> odd! He found a brick in exactly the same place + when I was here before! Someone must have a grudge against + him, poor boy! But he ought to look <i>before</i> he stands + on his head, next time!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Timmerman</i> (<i>carelessly, to his wife, as the + Deadwood Coach is introduced</i>). It would be rather fun + to have a ride in the Coach—new experience and all + that.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> (<i>who doesn't intend him to go</i>). + Oh, do be <i>careful</i> then.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>feeling quite the Daredevil</i>). + Pooh, my dear, what is there to be careful about?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> It does look such a ramshackle old + thing—it might break down. Accidents do happen so + quickly.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>reflecting that they certainly + do</i>). Oh, if it wasn't perfectly safe, they + wouldn't—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Well, promise me if you go on the box to + hold on tight round the corners, then!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>who doesn't see much to hold on + by</i>). I shan't <i>go</i> on the box—I shall go + inside.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> There mayn't be room. There are several + people waiting to go already. You'll have to make haste to + get a seat at all. I shall be <i>miserable</i> till I see + you safe back again!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>who is not sure he doesn't share her + feelings</i>). Oh well, if you feel like <i>that</i> about + it, I won't—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Oh, yes, do, I <i>want</i> you to + go—it will be so exciting for you to see real Indians + yelling and shooting all + round.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>thinking that it may be more exciting + than pleasant</i>). Might bring on one of my headaches, and + there'll be such a smell of gunpowder too. I hardly think, + after all, it's worth while.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> If you feel in the least <i>nervous</i> + about it. (Mr. T. <i>denies this indignantly.</i>) Then go + at once—you may never have the chance again; only + don't stay talking about it—go!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>pulling himself together</i>). Very + well, if you really wish it.... Confound it! <i>Most</i> + annoying, really! (<i>Sits down relieved.</i>) They've + started! It's all <i>your</i> fault, if you hadn't kept me + here talking!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.</i> (<i>humbly</i>). I <i>am</i> so + sorry—but there's another performance in the evening; + we might dine here, and then you could easily go on the + Coach afterwards if you're so anxious to!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> And sit through the show twice in one day? + No, good as it is, I really—and I've some letters I + must write after dinner, too.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mrs. T. <i>smiles to herself discreetly, satisfied with + having gained her point.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>UNOPPOSED ELECTION.</h2> + + <p>On Saturday last, being the first day permissible under the + statute, the nomination of a Knight to serve in Parliament for + the Shire of Barks, was held in the county town. The + proceedings were marked by a pleasing unanimity, and an + outburst of popular enthusiasm which seriously tried the + resources of the local police. There was only one + candidate—TOBY once more M.P. The nomination paper was + signed by <i>Mr. Punch</i>, Mr. GLADSTONE, Lord SALISBURY, and + most of the Crowned Heads of Europe.</p> + + <p>The Sheriff inquired if it were desired to nominate any + other Gentleman. (<i>A Voice</i>—"<i>I should think + not!</i>") There being no other response, the Sheriff declared + the Hon. Gentleman duly elected, and said he would like to be + permitted to forego his fees, if indeed any were due.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>In response to loud calls from the assembled crowd, <i>Mr. + Punch</i> said he had great pleasure in recommending his young + friend to the suffrages of this important constituency. + (<i>Cheers.</i>) He called him young, for though he had been on + his (<i>Mr. Punch's</i>) establishment for over fifty years, he + was very little altered. There were some people who never grew + old (<i>A Voice</i>—"<i>Bully for you, Mr. Punch!</i>") + and amongst them he might include his faithful follower, whom + they had just unanimously re-elected Member for Barks. He + trusted that in the future, his young friend would pursue the + course honourably followed by him in the past. ("<i>Hear! + Hear!</i>") This was the fourth Parliament to which he had been + elected, and he trusted it would not be the last. + (<i>Cheers.</i>) He might perhaps allude to a rumour current in + the ordinary channels of information, which seemed to point to + their friend's transference to another place. He had the + authority of TOBY, M.P., to say that, as far as his freedom of + action is concerned—and <i>Mr. Punch</i> thanked Heaven + this is still free England—(<i>loud + cheers</i>)—that prognostication would never be realised. + The highest honour ever done to his friend, was the selection + of him by the men of Barks to represent them in the Commons + House of Parliament. (<i>Renewed cheering.</i>) His fullest + pleasure was to retain their confidence and to serve them and + posterity to the utmost extent of his power and opportunity. + (<i>Disturbance at the rear of the hall; cries of "Put him + out!" "Sit on 'is 'ead!"</i>) <i>Mr. Punch</i> begged they + would do no such thing. It would be sure to give way under + pressure. (<i>Laughter.</i>) In conclusion, he begged to thank + them for the honour they had done his friend, and he might add, + themselves.</p> + + <p>There were loud cries for TOBY, M.P., but the Hon. Member + begged to be excused from making a speech on this occasion. For + one reason he shrank from coming into competition in the lists + of platform-speaking with his revered friend and Leader. + Another thing was, he was really so overcome by the honour just + done him, that he could not trust himself to speak. He would + write—as soon as the new Parliament met.</p> + + <p>After the customary votes of thanks had been carried by + acclamation, the new Member was hoisted shoulder-high by the + enthusiastic mob, and carried off to his country residence, The + Kennel, Barks, where he will remain during the Recess.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-2.png" + alt="THE IMPORTANCE OF EXTERNALS." /></a> + + <h3>THE IMPORTANCE OF EXTERNALS.</h3> + + <p>"BUT WHY DON'T YOU SEND FOR DR. MASHER, AUNT JANE? HE'S + THE CLEVEREST DOCTOR IN THE WHOLE COUNTY!"</p> + + <p>"OH, MY DEAR, I COULDN'T! HE <i>DRESSES</i> SO + IRRELIGIOUSLY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Votes and the Man!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"One Man, one Vote!" A fine, fair-sounding plan!</p> + + <p>Would we could also get "One Vote, one + <i>Man</i>!"</p> + + <p>Then we might also reach, "One Vote, one value."</p> + + <p>But, England, you have never found, nor shall + you,</p> + + <p>Alas! (despite the democracy's promoter)</p> + + <p>That real manhood always marks the voter;</p> + + <p>Or fearing neither knave's device, nor "rough" + rage,</p> + + <p>We'd trust the State to a <i>true</i> Manhood + Suffrage!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>FROM TAPLOW.</h4> + + <p><i>First 'Arry.</i> I'll tell you a good name for a + Riverside Inn—"<i>The 'Av-a-launch</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Second 'Arry.</i> I'll tell you a better—"The + 'Ave-a-lunch." Come along!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/6.png" + alt="WHITE LIES." /></a> + + <h3>WHITE LIES.</h3> + + <p><i>Frisky Spinster.</i> "HOW MANY DANCES ARE YOU GOING + TO GIVE ME TO-NIGHT, CAPTAIN WAXHAM?"</p> + + <p><i>Captain Waxham.</i> "OH, I'M SO SORRY, BUT THERE'S + NOT ENOUGH MEN, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD OFF BY + MRS. MASHAM TO DANCE WITH THE GIRLS WHO—A—WHO + ARE NOT LIKELY TO GET PARTNERS!"</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Asks the Girl just behind him for + three Waltzes and a Polka!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Song of the Theatre Royal, St. Stephen's.</i>)</h4> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>Killaloe.</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Closed! The long wild whillaloo</p> + + <p>That oft smacked of "Killaloe,"</p> + + <p class="i2">The contagious wrath of Buskin and of + Sock</p> + + <p>Hath abated for awhile,</p> + + <p>And no more the Emerald Isle</p> + + <p class="i2">On the stage and in the green-room seems + to shock.</p> + + <p>The curtain is rung down,</p> + + <p>The comedian and the clown,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the sombre putter-on of tragic + airs,</p> + + <p>Are gone, with all the cast,</p> + + <p>And the Theatre, at last,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is "Closed for Alterations and + Repairs."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">They may cheer for GLADSTONE hearty,</p> + + <p class="i4">For BALFOUR or MCCARTHY,</p> + + <p class="i4">This, that, or t'other party,</p> + + <p class="i6">As it pleases them to do.</p> + + <p class="i4">They may howl like Mćnads crazy,</p> + + <p class="i4">For policies dark and hazy;</p> + + <p class="i8">New stars ere long</p> + + <p class="i8">The stage may throng,</p> + + <p class="i6">To play in pieces new.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The managerial soul</p> + + <p>Though relieved, upon the whole,</p> + + <p class="i2">From the six years' run, and all its stir + and strain;</p> + + <p>Feels anxiety, no doubt,</p> + + <p>As to "stars" which may go out,</p> + + <p class="i2">And others that may probably remain.</p> + + <p>He has run a popular play,</p> + + <p>Which the Treasury says will pay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Despite of gallery hisses, groundling + blares;</p> + + <p>But there's care upon his face,</p> + + <p>'Tis a most expensive place,</p> + + <p class="i2">And 'tis "Closed for Alterations and + Repairs."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">They may cheer, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No doubt there has been fun,</p> + + <p>But the piece has had its run.</p> + + <p class="i2">And now from stage and playbill + disappears.</p> + + <p>Now east, west, north, and south,</p> + + <p>The quidnuncs are giving mouth,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till the Manager would gladly close his + ears.</p> + + <p>Two companies, neither loth,</p> + + <p>Seek his suffrages, and both</p> + + <p class="i2">Have a <i>répertoire</i> that half + attracts, half scares.</p> + + <p>He's aware it will need <i>nous</i></p> + + <p>To make choice. Meanwhile the House,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is "Closed for Alterations and + Repairs."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">They may cheer, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Much money must be spent</p> + + <p>Ere the public is content.</p> + + <p class="i2">Says the Manager, "By Jingo, I'm + perplext.</p> + + <p>Shall I keep on SALISBUREE,</p> + + <p>Or engage old W.G.,</p> + + <p class="i2">And what's the piece that I shall put on + next?</p> + + <p>Well, no more need be said,</p> + + <p>Till July has fully sped</p> + + <p class="i2">And August brings the Autumn Season's + cares,</p> + + <p>Then we'll learn the cast and play—</p> + + <p>'Tis sufficient for to-day</p> + + <p class="i2">That we've 'Closed for Alterations and + Repairs.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"They may cheer the Old Man hearty,</p> + + <p class="i4">Brave BALFOUR, mild MCCARTHY,</p> + + <p class="i4">This, that, or t'other party,</p> + + <p class="i6">As it pleases 'em to do.</p> + + <p class="i4">Their noise half drives me crazy,</p> + + <p class="i4">The future's rather hazy,</p> + + <p class="i8">But interest strong,</p> + + <p class="i8">I trust, ere long,</p> + + <p class="i6">Will crowd my House anew!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OH, SAUNDERSON, MY COLONEL!</h3> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>John Anderson, my Jo!</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel,</p> + + <p class="i2">You're stout and eloquent,</p> + + <p>But boding; as the raven.</p> + + <p class="i2">Knock ninety-nine per cent.</p> + + <p>From your Cassandra prophecies,</p> + + <p class="i2">As bogeyish as eternal,</p> + + <p>And you'll be nearer to the truth,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel,</p> + + <p class="i2">Could you but pull together,</p> + + <p>Orange and Green, a truce were seen</p> + + <p class="i2">To bigotry and blether.</p> + + <p>'Tis <i>they</i> that keep the Emerald Isle</p> + + <p class="i2">In pother so infernal.</p> + + <p>Drop hate and fear, try love and trust,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OBVIOUS.—The <i>Daily News</i> reports the mysterious + disappearance from the Government Saw Mills at Portsmouth, of + 2,570 feet of deal. "No one can say," it is added, "what became + of the wood." Why, it walked off of course, with so many feet + the temptation was irresistible.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="'CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS.'" /></a> + + <h3>"CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS."</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH. "CHANGE OF ACTORS AND PROGRAMME, EH, MR. + BULL?"</p> + + <p>MR. JOHN BULL (<i>Manager and Proprietor</i>). "CAN'T + TELL YET, MR. PUNCH,—DON'T OPEN TILL AUGUST!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="A FUTURE DIPLOMAT." /></a> + + <h3>A FUTURE DIPLOMAT.</h3> + + <p>"MUMMIE, DEAR, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ENOUGH SUGAR FOR MY + STRAWBERRIES!" (<i>Mummie helps him to some more + sugar.</i>) "<i>NOW</i>, MUMMIE, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME + ENOUGH STRAWBERRIES FOR MY SUGAR!"</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Mummie helps him to more + Strawberries!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ELECTION NOTES.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Special Commissioner.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The excitement is getting terrific. In the principal streets + party flags are waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house + is hidden beneath vast posters, setting forth the merits of the + rival parties. The Association of Jam-Dealers held a private + meeting last night. I was, however, enabled to be present + having disguised myself as Mr. BLACKFORD, one of the + Vice-Presidents of the Association, who was taken ill at the + last moment, and whose letter of excuse for non-attendance I + managed to intercept. The proceedings opened with prayer, on + the model of the recent Ulster Convention. After this, the + discussion began. A series of questions had, it appears, been + addressed to both Candidates. Here they are:—</p> + + <p>(1) Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of + foreign jam-stuffs?</p> + + <p>(2) Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the + London Cooperative Stores to sell only Jam manufactured by the + Bunkham Jam-Dealers' Association?</p> + + <p>(3) Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the + rising generation of one of the necessaries of life in the + shape of Bunkham Jam? And will you therefore oppose, by all + lawful Parliamentary means, the use of the domestic rod as a + punishment for so-called Jam-stealing out of store-room + cupboards?</p> + + <p>(4) Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or + strawberries?</p> + + <p>(5) Will you advocate a tax of twopence per pot on all jam + not manufactured in the Bunkham district?</p> + + <p>Both Candidates had sent written replies. But it was + generally felt that on the answers to the fourth question, the + vote of the meeting would depend. Bunkham is a district in + which raspberries and gooseberries are almost exclusively + grown. Now it is well-known that Mr. PLEDGER, the Liberal + Candidate, has an almost passionate affection for + strawberry-jam, and much interest was shown as to whether he + would be true to his favourite food, or renounce it in order to + capture votes. I am glad to say that the honourable gentleman + refused to palter with his convictions. In a manly and + straightforward answer, he declined to be a party to "a system + of espionage which had invaded the breakfast table, and might + go far to make even luncheon intolerable."</p> + + <p>"From my youth up," he continued, "I have never wavered in + the conviction, that of all known preserves, strawberry-jam is + both the best, and the most sustaining. I should disgrace + myself if I were now, at the eleventh hour, to declare a + preference which I do not honestly feel for gooseberry or + raspberry."</p> + + <p>This, of course, settled the matter. Mr. TUFFAN declared + emphatically against the obnoxious strawberry; and the result + was that the Association, by an enormous majority, decided to + support him. The Liberals were at first much discouraged, but + they have now taken heart again. One of their Canvassers, it + seems, has succeeded in making himself a <i>persona grata</i> + to a lady who occupies the position of under-housemaid in the + establishment of the TUFFANS. Through her he obtained an empty + pot of strawberry-jam, lately consumed by the TUFFAN family. + This has been fixed upon a long pole, with a placard underneath + it, to the following effect:—</p> + + <h4 class="sc">Taken from Tuffan's Table!</h4> + + <h4 class="sc">Vote for PLEDGER, and Honest Convictions!</h4> + + <p>And the device is now being carried all over the Town by the + Junior Liberal Association.</p> + + <p>The polling takes place to-morrow. Both sides are confident, + but, on the whole, after reviewing all the circumstances of the + case as impartially as possible, taking into account everything + that tells for or against both parties, and not forgetting the + effect produced by the public secession of Mr. HONEYDEW, the + tobacconist, and Ex-President of the Liberal 500, I am disposed + to believe in the victory of Mr. PLEDGER; that is to say, + unless Mr. TUFFAN should manage to secure a sufficient number + of votes to defeat his opponent.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours &c.,<br /> + THE MAN IN THE MOON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S ELECTION ADDRESS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To the Electors of the United Kingdom!</p> + + <p>I, PUNCH, who shoot at follies, and have wing'd + 'em</p> + + <p>For fifty years, and shall for fifty more,</p> + + <p>Greet ye! It were to force an open door</p> + + <p>To ask ye one and all, to give your votes</p> + + <p>To ME! There, there, my boys! don't strain your + throats!</p> + + <p>My tympanum is tender. <i>Punch</i> rejoices</p> + + <p>To listen once more to "your most sweet voices,"</p> + + <p>Only you need not howl and make them raucous.</p> + + <p>I'm not a Party Nominee, no Caucus</p> + + <p>Has wire-pulled Me! I'd like to see 'em do so!</p> + + <p>I am <i>Man Friday</i> to no party + <i>Crusoe</i>,</p> + + <p>SALISBURY, GLADSTONE, BALFOUR, HARCOURT, + GOSCHEN,</p> + + <p>Are all on my Committee. MORLEY's notion</p> + + <p>(Shared for the nonce by JOE the shrewd and + able),</p> + + <p>Is, that it's safe to sit at <i>my</i> Round + Table,</p> + + <p>Where they all hob-a-nob as friends, not foes!</p> + + <p>E'en the MACULLUM MORE cocks not his nose</p> + + <p>Too high in <i>Punch's</i> presence; he knows + better!</p> + + <p>Supremacy unchallenged is a fetter</p> + + <p>E'en to patrician pride, provincial vanity;</p> + + <p>Scot modesty, and Birmingham urbanity,</p> + + <p>Bow at my shrine, because they can't resist.</p> + + <p>Thus I'm the only genuine Unionist,</p> + + <p>While all the same, my British Public <i>you</i>'ll + err,</p> + + <p>If you conceive I'm not a firm Home-Ruler.</p> + + <p>Perpend! There's sense and truth in my + suggestions,</p> + + <p>And therefore, do not ask superfluous questions.</p> + + <p>You might as fitly paint Dame Venus freckled,</p> + + <p>As fancy <i>Punch</i> will stoop to being + "heckled."</p> + + <p>I have no "Programmes," I. My wit's too wide</p> + + <p>To a wire-puller's "platform" to be tied.</p> + + <p>I know what's right, I mean to see it done,</p> + + <p>And for the rest good-tempered chaff and fun</p> + + <p>Are my pet "principles"—till fools grow + rash</p> + + <p>From toleration, <i>then</i> they feel the lash.</p> + + <p>I am a sage, and not a prig or pump,</p> + + <p>Therefore I never canvas, spout or stump,</p> + + <p>I'm Liberal—as the sunlight—of all + Good,</p> + + <p>Which to Conserve I strive—that's + understood,</p> + + <p>But Tory nincompoop, or rowdy Rad,</p> + + <p>The thrall of bigotry, the fool of fad</p> + + <p>I hate alike. There's the straight tip, my + bloaters!</p> + + <p>Now run and vote for <i>Punch</i>—all who are + voters;</p> + + <p>And if some few have not that boon indeed,</p> + + <p>Well those who cannot run at least can + <i>read</i>.</p> + + <p>There! that's enough, my lads! I'm off to lunch,</p> + + <p>You, go and do your duty; plump for + <b>PUNCH!!!</b></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="'SED REVOCARE GRADUM.'" /></a> + + <h3>"SED REVOCARE GRADUM."</h3> + + <p><i>Beauty</i> (<i>with cool candour</i>). "OH YES, + INDEED, I FREQUENTLY MAKE BETS; BUT I AM SO UNLUCKY!"</p> + + <p><i>Sporting Youth</i> (<i>trying to be sympathetic</i>). + "REALLY? BUT I SUPPOSE YOU NEVER HAVE MUCH ON—THAT + IS—I MEAN—"</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Collapse.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OTHERWISE ENGAGED!</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Sentimental Fragment from Henley.</i>)</h4> + + <p>And so they sat in the boat and looked into one another's + eyes, and found much to read in them. They ignored the presence + of the houseboats, and scarcely remembered that there were such + things as launches propelled by steam or electricity. And they + turned deaf ears to the niggers, and did not want their + fortunes told by dirty females of a gipsy type.</p> + + <p>"This is very pleasant," said EDWIN.</p> + + <p>"Isn't it?" replied ANGELINA; "and it's such a good place + for seeing all the events."</p> + + <p>"Admirable!" and they talked of other things; and the time + sped on, and the dark shadows grew, and still they talked, and + talked, and talked.</p> + + <p>At length the lanterns on the river began to glow, and + Henley put on its best appearance, and broke out violently into + fireworks, it was then Mrs. GRUNDY spied them out. She had been + on the look out for scandal all day long, but could find none. + This seemed a pleasant and promising case.</p> + + <p>"So you are here?" she exclaimed. "Why, we thought you must + have gone long ago! And what do you say of the meeting?"</p> + + <p>"A most perfect success," said he.</p> + + <p>"And the company?"</p> + + <p>"Could not be more charming," was her reply.</p> + + <p>"And what did you think of the racing?" Then they looked at + one another and smiled. They spoke together, and + observed:—</p> + + <p>"Oh, we did not think of the racing!"</p> + + <p>And Mrs. GRUNDY was not altogether satisfied.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."—"The real 'Battle + of Life' begins with a short engagement."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>The Look-out, Sheepsdoor, Kent.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>My rest at the seaside has done me such a world of good that + I feel more lazy than ever! But I fear I am in danger of a + relapse into excitement, owing to a letter I received a few + days ago from an old military friend of mine, General ELECTION, + in which he asks me to lend my <i>invaluable</i> assistance in + "canvassing" for his nephew, the Hon. CHARLIE HULLOTHERE, who + is standing for Sheepsdoor.—Ah, how little did I think + that my reference to "canvas" shoes in my last letter would be + so prophetic! The General is very gallant, and fully + appreciates the usefulness of women in canvassing; and, in + order to be quite "up to date," I have ordered in a large + supply of gingerbread-nuts and oyster-shells, which I observe + (see daily papers) are distributed as marks of respect among + Candidates and their wives!</p> + + <p>Having also heard that a Brass Band is indispensable (the + more brass it is, the better), I have made friendly overtures + (<i>musical</i>, of course) to the Sheepsdoor Purveyors of + Brassharmony, with the flattering result that they now conclude + every performance with my specially composed "<i>Election War + Cry</i>"—the refrain of which is most effective when + given by a chorus of trained Constituents!—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">HullLo-there!</p> + + <p class="i2">HullLo-there!</p> + + <p>He's the man for us;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">We respect him!</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll elect him!</p> + + <p>And we might do wuss!!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>In fact, our Candidate is very popular, and is sure to "romp + in an easy winner"—which is another puzzling racing + expression, as, although I've seen plenty of horses indulge in + a game of romps before the start (notably, <i>L'Abbé Morin</i>, + in the "City"), they seem to have had more than enough of it + before the finish!</p> + + <p>I hear from Newmarket, that I missed an extremely pleasant + week's racing—and although my selection for the Stud + Produce Stakes was rather wide of the mark, I fairly hit the + bullseye—(what a painful operation this must be for the + bull)—in my one "<i>Song from the Birdcage</i>," which I + warbled in the ear of a racing friend whom I met down here; it + was <i>ŕ propos</i> of the July Stakes and ran thus:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The night was dark when "<i>Portland Bill</i>" + escaped by Chesil Beach!</p> + + <p>And hope beat high within his heart, that he the + goal might reach!</p> + + <p>For "<i>Milford</i>" Haven lies in sight!—one + effort and he's there!</p> + + <p>But see!—At last—he's caught!—he's + passed!—just by the Judge's Chair!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Which really remarkable prophecy was fully borne out by the + race, in fact, so close a description might almost have been + written <i>after the race</i>—a great compliment to my + powers of divination!</p> + + <p>Next week takes us to Bibury and Stockbridge. and if this + hot weather continues, the motto of the Club should be, "<i>Dum + vivo Bibere</i>"—or, freely translated—"<i>Half</i> + the soda, please!" The race to which I propose to give my + attention is the Alington Plate, and as I am nothing if not + thorough, you will see that my tip is influenced by my being at + the Seaside?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h4 class="sc">Alington Plate Selection.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The storm was raging through the night,</p> + + <p class="i2">I tossed upon my pillow,</p> + + <p>And pitied any luckless wight</p> + + <p class="i2">Who tossed upon the "<i>Billow</i>!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A SLIGHT MUDDLE.—"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that the + Cassocks are performing at the Buffalo Bill place—though + not knowing the gentleman personally, I would prefer calling + him BUFFALO WILLIAM or WILLIAM BUFFELLOW, which would be a less + outlandish name—and I confess I was astonished, as I + always thought that Cassocks were Clergymen, or had something + to do with the Clergy. I suppose I had connected them with + Hassocks, which are always in Church, and were, I believe, + invented by Mr. HASSOCK, or Squire HASSOCK, who made all his + money by keeping a gate on the old Brighton Coach Road. The + station is still called Hassock's Gate, in his memory. HER + MAJESTY had all the Cassocks sent down to her at Windsor. They + must have been quite worn out by the end of the day."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="ELECTION FEVER. A CANDIDATE'S DREAM." /></a> + + <h3>ELECTION FEVER. A CANDIDATE'S DREAM.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday.—Lohengrin.</i> House full to hear Brother + JOHN and Madame MELBA. "Please, Sir, Mr. JOHNNIE DE RISKY ain't + here," blurts out the pale and trembling call-boy.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-1.png" + alt="Cherubino takes the Chair at a small Meeting. A De Risky situation." /> + </a>Cherubino takes the Chair at a small Meeting. A De + Risky situation. + </div> + + <p>Sir AUGUSTUS calm, impassible. Crisis. If no one turned up, + he would act the part himself, and, it being Wagnerian music, + the orchestra would play what of the part had to be played. At + that moment lounged in Monsieur VAN DYCK, just to see how + things were going on without him. "I'm a little hoarse + to-night," quoth VAN DYCK, pleasantly. "Nonsense!" cries Sir + DRURIOLANUS, cheerily, "a '<i>Van</i>' can never be a little + hoarse." Much merriment. "DYCK, my boy," continues Sir D., + "you've come in the very nick of time—quite a Devil's + Dyke, you are,"—the accomplished vocalist was in + ecstasies at his Manager's joke,—"and you shall + distinguish yourself to-night as <i>Lohengrin</i>!" Oh, what a + surprise! No sooner said than done. Armour for one ordered + immediately. ISAAC of York Street goes to work, + and—presto!—VAN DYCK is "ready in case." "Now," + asks DRURIOLANUS, "what are we waiting for?"</p> + + <p>"Please, Sir, Madame MELBA isn't here!"</p> + + <p>"MELBA not here to play <i>Elsa</i>!" exclaims Sir + DRURIOLANUS, immediately adding, with that wit which is always, + like the British Tar, 'Ready, aye ready!'—"then we must + get somebody Else Sir!" and scarcely had the words escaped his + lips, than Madame NORDICA, who happened to be passing by, sang + out in an extempore recitative, "<i>Me voici!</i>" + "<i>Bravissima!</i>" cried Sir DRURIOLANUS. "Saved! Saved!" + General dance of joy.</p> + + <p>So the Curtain was rung up, and the Opera, with Madame + NORDICA (<i>vice</i> MELBA) as <i>Elsa</i>, and VAN DYCK + (<i>vice</i> Little JOHNNIE THE RISKY) as <i>Lohengrin</i>, + made a big success. House crowded. All's well that ends as well + as this.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:24%;"> + <a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-2.png" + alt="Sir Druriolanus, M.P.(ressario) for Covent Garden." /> + </a>Sir Druriolanus, M.P.(ressario) for Covent Garden. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday with Mozart.</i>—What a good starting idea + for a Comic Opera would be the notion of making those two types + of knaves, <i>Leporello</i> and <i>Figaro</i>, meet as + counter-plotters. Monsieur MAUREL suggests a step in this + direction, when one night he impersonates the gay Spanish Don, + and on another he appears as the roguish Italian barber, no + longer an intriguing bachelor but a jealous bridegroom. Merry + Melodious MOZART! Old-fashioned he may be, like not a few of + the best melodies and the best stories. Elegant Countess is + Madame EMMA EAMES. Can she possibly ever have been + <i>Rosina</i>, <i>Dr. Bartolo's</i> tricky ward! What a change + matrimony makes in some folks! Old <i>Dr. Bartolo</i> bears not + much resemblance to the other <i>Dr. Bartolo</i>, and <i>Don + Basilio</i>, a kind of Ecclesiastical lawyer, is quite a + rollicking wag as compared with the <i>Basilio</i> of the + Barber of Seville. Nothing could be better than the + <i>Susanna</i> of Mlle. TELEKI, or sweeter than the duet, + heartily encored, between her and the <i>Countess</i>. EDOUARD + DE RESZKÉ is a magnificent representative of the + gloomily-jealous Count, who, having once been the gayest of the + gay, still retains something of his old sly-boots character in + private. He is always going wrong, and always being in the + wrong when found out: a Count quite at a discount, for whom + there will perhaps be no rest until he is "par." with a family. + Needless to say, the part was well acted and sung by Brother + NED, whom a gentleman near me, who "knew all about it," mistook + for his brother JOHN, and criticised accordingly. As + <i>Cherubino</i>, Mlle. SIGRID ARNOLDSON is a delightfully + boyish scapegrace, giving us just that <i>soupçon</i> of + natural awkwardness which a spoilt sunny Southern lad of + sixteen, brought up in such mixed society as is represented by + <i>Count Almaviva's</i> household, would occasionally show when + more than usually "spoony." Mlle. ARNOLDSON sings MOZART pure + and simple, without interpolating cadenzas, roulades, + nourishes, or exercises of musical fireworks, and the audience + rewarded her artistically simple rendering of "<i>Voi che + sapete</i>" with an <i>encore</i>, which was as hearty as it + was well-deserved. Capital House. Parliamentary musicians + conspicuous by their absence. Ex-M.P.'s represented in a body + by Sir H-NRY EDW-RDS the evergreen.</p> + + <p>It was reported in the House—the Opera + House—that Sir DRURIOLANUS was standing; but for what + Constituency, was not mentioned. The rumour was justified by + his appearing at the Stall entrance, where he stood for some + time, but as he finely observed, "I am not in search of a + seat—in Parliament. No! Let who will make the people's + laws, give me the bringing out for them of their Operas and + Pantomimes." So saying, he bowed gracefully to nobody in + particular (who happened to be talking to him), and, with a + refreshing wave of the hand, Sir DRURIOLANUS was wafted away + into the offing, and "lost to sight," while still "to memory + dear."</p> + + <p><i>Trumpet Note in advance.</i>—<i>The Trompeter of + Sakkingen</i> is announced as "in active preparation." Needless + to say more, as, of course, he blows his own trumpet for + himself. The question is, will it be a big trump in the hand of + Sir DRURIOLANUS?</p> + + <p><i>Saturday.</i>—<i>Elaine</i> changed her mind, and + wouldn't come out to-night.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/12-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>NEW RENDERING OF "CONSULE PLANCO"—"CONSULT + PLANCHETTE."—If "Planchette" can give such accurate + information as it appears to have done at Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM's + supper-party, and elsewhere, as recounted in the <i>Daily + Telegraph</i>, why is it not at once put into general + requisition? Why is there any Parliamentary debating? Why not + use "Planchette?" Why run any chance of losing on a race, but + simply "ask Planchette?" Only, by the way, if this were + universal, and if everyone is to win, who is to lose? Thus + Planchette would put an end to nearly all speculation. + Planchette would inaugurate a new era of complete and + unqualified success. No doubt Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM consulted + Planchette before producing <i>The Fringe of Society</i>, and + is in consequence being amply rewarded for placing his trust in + Planchette. Failure would be impossible except to the obstinate + few who should persistently refuse to pin their faith on the + utterances of "Planchette." But, suppose after doing enough to + establish her reputation, "Planchette," being feminine and + therefore "<i>varium et mutabile semper</i>," should suddenly + deceive her followers, as did <i>Zamiel's</i> seventh charmed + bullet (which ought always to have been kept up <i>Caspar's</i> + sleeve—but <i>Caspar</i> was an idiot), and the Weird but + Larky Sisters who captivated <i>Macbeth</i>?</p> + + <p>"Trust her not, she's fooling thee, Beware! Beware!" and + Planchette, the little plank, will make more of her followers + "plank down" than pick up gold and silver.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4><big>"Dearest Chuck!"</big>—<i>Shakspeare.</i></h4> + + <center> + "<i>Mr. G.</i>" (<i>to the Ardent Female Supporter, + henceforth to be historically known as "The + Gingerbread-nut-Chucker"</i>):— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas all very well to dissemble your love,</p> + + <p>But why chuck the nut in my eye?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. G. <i>is aware that the Divine</i> WILLIAMS <i>has + spoken of ginger as "hot in the mouth," but</i> Mr. G. + <i>says "he got it uncommonly hot in the eye</i>."]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL."—Lord RANDOLPH in again + for South Paddington. The First to arrive.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no ease be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, JULY 9, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 14991-h.txt or 14991-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/9/9/14991">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/9/14991</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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