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diff --git a/14991-8.txt b/14991-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9683ac9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14991-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1618 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +July 9, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 9, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 9, 2005 [eBook #14991] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, JULY 9, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14991-h.htm or 14991-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/9/9/14991/14991-h/14991-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/9/9/14991/14991-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +JULY 9, 1892 + + + + + + + +[Illustration: (Vol. CIII)] + + * * * * * + +SIMPLE AS A "B" "C." + +DEAR EX-CHANCELLOR WITH A PAST,--I am sorry to have to address you, +especially as to you I owe my promotion. But matters are coming to a +crisis, and the Fatherland is suffering from your indiscretions. You +are making a great mistake--you are, indeed. + +Now, I ask you, what would you do under the following circumstances? +Supposing you were in my position, what would you do if your +predecessor held you up to ridicule, spoilt all your favourite +diplomatic plans, insulted your employer, and made himself generally +disagreeable all round? You must know, my good Prince, that you are +sowing dissension in every direction. You are embroiling us with +Russia, and running the chance of a war with France. Moreover, you +are breaking the very laws you made for the solitary purpose of +meeting the case you have raised yourself! So now, with every kindly +recollection of the past, tell me why I don't arrest you, why I don't +put you into prison, why I don't break your power once and for ever? + +Yours truly, +VON C----. + +_REPLY TO THE ABOVE._ + +DEAR CHANCELLOR WITHOUT A FUTURE,--I will answer you why you do not +arrest me? The simple reason is that you, my dear friend, are not +BISMARCK. + +And I am, yours truly, +VON B----. + + * * * * * + +A CORRESPONDENT signing himself "ONE WHO LIVES AND LEARNS," wishes to +know what is the meaning of the expression, "The Minute Gun at Sea?" +We will tell him. "A Minute Gun" is, of course, a very small one. When +it goes wrong, it is "at sea." No extra charge for this gun. + + * * * * * + +MEM.--You can't expect much from the Speakers at a Convention, where +the Speeches must be Conventional. + + * * * * * + +"HARPY THOUGHT!"--Mr. JOHN THOMAS's Grand Harp Concert. + + * * * * * + +A WILDE IDEA. + +OR, MORE INJUSTICE TO IRELAND! + +[Illustration] + +The licence for the production of his French Play of _Salomé_, +accepted by SARAH B., having been refused by the Saxon Licenser of +Plays, The O'SCAR, dreams of becoming a French Citizen, but doesn't +quite "see himself," at the beginning of his career, as a conscript in +the French Army, and so, to adapt the Gilbertian lines, probably-- + + "In spite of great temptation + To French na-tu-ra-li-sa-tion, + He'll remain an Irishman!" + + * * * * * + +MY PUGGY! + + [A Correspondent writes to the _Standard_ in praise of pugs, + as the most useful household dogs to prevent burglaries.] + + Who bears, despite a wrinkled skin, + A heart that's soft and warm within, + And hates a visitor like sin?-- + My puggy! + + Who has a little temper of + His own, and sports a winter cough, + And thinks himself a mighty toff?-- + My puggy! + + Whose voice, disturbing midnight rest, + Do wily house-breakers detest, + And move to some less guarded nest?-- + My puggy's! + + Who does not, like a stupid cat, + 'Gainst burglars' boots rub himself flat,-- + Soliciting a felon's pat?-- + My puggy! + + And when the burglar's body's half + Inside the sash, with doggish laugh, + Who masticates his nearest calf?-- + My puggy! + + Who owns a phiz (which _I_ could hug), + That's called by stupid boys an ug- + ly sulky unattractive "mug?"-- + My puggy! + + * * * * * + +Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, has been sightseeing in the country. +Being asked whether she had seen the Midgetts, she said, "Don't +mention 'em, my dear! I've seen 'em, and felt 'em--thousands of +'em--they very nearly closed my eyes up." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THROUGH EVER-GREEN GLASSES. + + ["On the side of those poor men who constitute the Irish + nation, with their few and disparaged leaders, we have found + a consideration, a calmness, and a liberality of view, a + disposition to interpret everything in the best sense, and + to make every concession that could possibly bring harmony + about."--_Mr. Gladstone in Edinburgh._] + +AIR--"_The Wearing of the Green_." + +_Ever-Green Statesman sings_:-- + + Och, Erin dear, and did ye hear the cry that's going round? + The Home-Rule plant they would forbid to grow on Irish ground. + _I_ had my doubts at one time, but more clearly I have seen + Since I took--in shamrock spectacles--to Wearing of the Green. + +_Chorus._ + + I'm Ever-Green myself, ye know, so take me by the hand, + And tell me how Ould Oireland is, and how our chances stand. + 'Tis the most disthressful country, dear, that ever yet was seen; + But I'm sworn to right ye, darlint, now I'm Wearing of the Green! + + With unsurpassed frivolity and cruelty, 'tis said, + That you, Mavourneen, wish to set your heel on Ulster's head. + If _you_, who under Orange foot so long time have been trod, + Would trample down your tyrants old, it would be passing odd. + +_Chorus._--I'm Ever-Green myself, ye know, &c. + + When the law can stop your friends, my dear, from growing as they + grow, + When the Tories stop my "flowing tide" from flowing as 'twill flow, + Then I will change the colour, dear, that in my specs is seen, + But until that day, please Heaven, I'll stick to Wearing of the + Green. + +_Chorus._ + + I am Ever-Green myself as is your own dear Emerald Land, + And that is why the Green Isle's case I've learned to understand. + 'Tis the most disthressful country, yours, that ever yet was seen; + But _I'll_ right ye. Twig my glasses, dear! I'm Wearing of the + Green!] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST TRAIN. + + It will fade from mortal vision, + So the fashion-plates ordain; + Worthy subject of derision, + Not the mail, but female, train! + + It has goaded men to mutter + Words unhappily profane, + Trailed in ball-room or in gutter, + Whether cheap or first-class train. + + Far and wide, on floor and paving, + Spread the dress to catch the swain; + Sometimes long--in distance waving; + Sometimes wide--a "broad-gauge train." + + It has dragged a long existence + Through the dust, the mud, the rain, + Great is feminine persistence, + She would never lose the train. + + Booby-traps were beaten hollow, + Hapless man stepped back in vain, + Knowing what a trip would follow + If he only caught the train! + + Oh, the anguish that it gave us, + Quite unnecessary pain! + WORTH, not WESTINGHOUSE, will save us, + And at last will stop the train! + + * * * * * + +MRS. R., hearing her Nephew say that he had been discussing some +"Two-year-old Stakes" with a friend, observed that she was afraid they +must have been dreadfully tough, adding, after consideration, "Perhaps +they were frozen meat." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME. + +POOR JONES IS CONVINCED THAT HIS WORST FEARS ARE AT LAST REALISED, AND +HE _IS_ LEFT ALONE WITH A _DANGEROUS LUNATIC_!! (IT WAS ONLY LITTLE +WOBBLES RUNNING ANXIOUSLY OVER THE POINTS OF HIS COMING SPEECH TO THE +ELECTORS OF PLUMPWELL-ON-TYME!!)] + + * * * * * + +THE CANDIDATE'S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER. + +(_In Answer to a Sweep asking for a F.O. Clerkship._) + +MY DEAR MR. ----, + +Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to secure for your +interesting son a Clerkship in the Foreign Office. The fact that he +has a distaste for the profession to which you belong would be no +disqualification. I agree with you that chimney-sweeping is better +than diplomacy. However, if he won't help you it can't be helped. I +am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your +letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position +then than now to assist you, + +Yours sincerely, +SOPHT SAWDER. + +(_In Answer to a Letter about meeting a Duchess._) + +MY DEAR MADAM, + +Yes, I have the honour of the Duchess's acquaintance. As you say, Her +Grace's "at homes" are charming, but of course they are not equal +to her dinners. I shall be only too pleased if I can bring about a +meeting with the Duchess. + +I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of +your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better +position then than now to assist you. + +Yours sincerely, +SOPHT SAWDER. + +(_In Answer to all Letters generally._) + +MY DEAR ----, + +Of course I shall be only too delighted to help you in any way in +my power. You may always command me--only too pleased, only too +overjoyed. But the fact is, I am just now exceptionally busy. Please +repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may +not be in a better position then than now to assist you. + +Yours sincerely, +SOPHT SAWDER. + +(_Common Form Reply to Answers to the above._) + +MR. SOPHT SAWDER, M.P., presents his compliments to ----, and begs to +say that he has no recollection of having promised anything. Mr. S.S. +regrets to say that he has no time for an interview. + + * * * * * + +PRICKLE-ME-UPS. + +SIR,--I am delighted to observe that some Constant Contributors (to +other papers, not yours, Sir) are making dietetic experiments on +Nettles. Perhaps you would allow me to mention that Groundsel Salad +is a delicious dish, when you get used to it, and that a _Purée_ of +Chickweed rarely fails to create delighted astonishment at a crowded +dinner-table. Bramble Pie is another excellent recipe straight from +Dame Nature's Cookery Book. With great care, it is possible to cook +Thistles in such a way as to make them taste just like Artichokes. My +family often has these and similar delicacies at their mid-day meal, +when I am away in the City. + +Yours truly, +LOVER OF ECONOMY. + +SIR,--I saw that letter about eating Nettles. Of course it's all rot +(it you will excuse the expression), but I thought it would be fun to +try the nettle diet on my Uncle JAMES, who never gives me a tip when +I go to visit him, although my Mother says he's as rich as Creesers, +though I don't know who they are. So I got one or two good stinging +ones (I knew they were stingers, because I tried them on Cook first) +and cut off little bits and put them in Uncle JAMES's sandwiches, +which he always has for lunch. It was awful larks to watch him eat +them. I thought he'd have a fit. Then I said good-bye, and I haven't +been near him since. But I got Cook to take him in a dock-leaf from +me, and I hope he ate it after the sandwiches. I thought it might +do him good. I'm going to try nettle sandwiches on a boy I know at +school, who's a beast. I expect it will give him nettle-rash. No more +now from + +Yours respectfully, +TOMMY. + +SIR,--I frequently recommend patients suffering from advanced atrophy +to try Nettle Broth. I must say that I am myself nettled, when they +reply that they prefer the advanced atrophy. A good counter-irritant +in cases of blood-poisoning is a stout holly leaf, _eaten raw_. In +serious cases of collapse, if a patient can be got to consume a cactus +or a prickly pear, the stimulative effect is really surprising. In +the absence of these products of the vegetable kingdom, a hedge-stake, +taken directly after a meal, will do equally well. + +Yours professionally, +SOLUBLE SALT, F.R.C.P. + + * * * * * + +AT THE WILD WEST. + +(_A SKETCH AT EARL'S COURT._) + +_The Orator's Opening Discourse_ (_as heard in the back rows_). Ladies +and Gentlemen, I desire to draw your attention to an important fact. +It will be my pleasure to introduce to you ... ("_The real American +popcorn, equally famous in Paris and London, tuppence each packet!" +from Vendor in gangway_) ... history and life of the ... (_"'Buffalo +Bill Puzzle,' one penny!" from another vendor behind_) ... impress +one fact upon your minds; this is not ... (_roar and rattle of +passing train_) ... in the ordinary or common acceptation of ... +(_"Puff-puff-puff!" from engine shunting trucks_) ... Many unthinking +persons have said ... (_Piercing and prolonged scream from same +engine._) This is not so. On the contrary ... (_Metallic bangs from +trucks._) Men and animals are ... ("_Programmes! Opera-glasses on +hire!_") ... purely the creatures of ... + + [_Remainder of remarks hopelessly lost amidst the clank of + coupling chains, whistles, snorts and puffs from shunting + engine._ + +_An Old Lady in Audience._ He has such a beautiful clear voice, +we _ought_ to hear every word. If _I_ were Buffalo BILL, I should +positively insist on the trains keeping quiet while the Orator was +speaking! + +_Orator_ (_during the Grand Processional Review_). A Troop of Arapahoe +Indians! + + [_Band strikes up; a party of painted Indians gallop into + Arena, uttering little puppy-like barks._ + +_An Artistic Lady_ (_shuddering_). Look at that creature with a +raw pink body, and a pea-green face--it's too _frightful_, and such +_crude_ yellows! I _wish_ they could be taught to paint themselves +some _decent_ colour! + +_Her Sister._ Really, dear, as far as _decency_ is concerned, I don't +exactly see what difference the mere _colour_ would make. + +_Her Husband._ That isn't quite what EMILY meant. She'd like to +enamel 'em all in Art shades and drape Liberty scarves round 'em, like +terra-cotta drainpipes or wicker-chairs--eh, EMILY? + +_Emily_ (_loftily_). Oh, my dear HENRY, I wasn't speaking to _you_. I +know what a contempt you have for all that makes a home beautiful! + +_Henry._ Meaning Indians? My love, I respect them and admire them--at +a distance; but, plain _or_ coloured, I cannot admit that they would +be decorative as furniture--even in _your_ drawing-room! + + [_EMILY endures him in silence._ + +_Orator._ A party of Women of the Ogallalla Tribe! + +[Illustration: "I am perfectly aware of _that_, Euphemia!"] + + [_Three mounted Indian ladies in blankets--walk their horses + slowly round the Arena, crooning "Aye-eia-ha-ya-hee-hi-ya!" + with every sign of enjoying their own performance._ + +_A Poetical Lady._ What strange wild singing it is, JOHN! There's +something so creepy about it, somehow. + +_John_ (_a prosaic but frivolous person_). There is, indeed. It +explains _one_ thing I never quite understood before, though. + +_The Poetical Lady._ I thought it would impress you--but what does it +explain? + +_John._ The reason why the buffalo in those parts has so entirely died +out. + +_A Rigid Matron_ (_during the Emigrant Train Scene_). I don't care +to see a girl ride in that bold way myself. I'm sure it _must_ be so +unsexing for them. And what _is_ she about now, with that man? They're +actually having a duel with knives--on _horseback_ too! not at _all_ a +nice thing for any young girl to do. There! she's pulled out a pistol +and shot him--and galloped off as if nothing had happened! I have +always heard that American girls were allowed a good _deal_ of +liberty--but I'd really no idea they went as far as this! I should +be sorry indeed to see any girl of _mine_ (_here the glances +instructively at three dumpy and dough-faced Daughters_) acting in +that forward and _most_ unfeminine manner. (_Reassuringly._) But I'm +very sure there's no fear of _that_, is there, dears? + + [_The Daughters repudiate with gratifying unanimity any desire + to shoot gentlemen on horseback._ + +_A Bloodthirsty Boy_ (_as the hostile Indians attack the train_). Will +the Indians _scalp_ anybody, Uncle? + +_His Uncle._ No, my boy, they don't let 'em get near enough for that, +you see! [_The Indians are ignominiously chased off by Cowboys._ + +_The Boy_ (_disappointed_). They'd a splendid chance of scalping the +Orator that time--and not one of them even saw it! + +_Orator._ Captain JACK BURTZ, of the United States Army, will now give +you an example of his phenomenal Lightning Drill. + + [_The Captain takes up his position with an air of fierce + resolution, and proceeds to do wonderful things with a + rifle and fixed bayonet, which he treats with a familiarity + bordering on contempt._ + +_A Lady_ (_to a_ Military Friend--_as the Captain twirls the rifle +rapidly round his neck_). Have you ever seen anyone drill like that +before? + +_The Mil. F._ Saw CINQUEVALLI do something very like it at the Empire. +But _he_ had a cannon-ball as well. + +_The Lady._ Look at him now--he's making the gun revolve upside down +with the bayonet on the palm of his hand! Could _you_ do that? + +_The M.F._ Not without drilling a hole in myself. + +_The Lady._ It really is wonderful that he shouldn't feel the point, +isn't it now? + +_The M.F._ Well, I don't see much point _in_ it myself--but so long as +it amuses him, I daresay it's all right. + + [_The Captain discharges the gun in the air and retires at the + double, feeling that his country's safety is secure for the + present. JOHNNY BAKER, the young American Marksman, appears + and exhibits his skill in shooting upside down._ + +_The Rigid Matron._ He missed one that time--he's not quite such a +good shot as the girl was. + +_One of the Daughters._ Oh, but, Mother, you forget! Miss ANNIE OAKLEY +didn't stand on _her_-- + +_The R.M._ (_in an awful voice_), I am perfectly aware of that, +EUPHEMIA; so pray don't make such unnecessary remarks! + + [_EUPHEMIA subsides in confusion._ + +_An Unsophisticated Spectator_ (_as Master BAKER, after rubbing +his forehead, discovers a brickbat under the mat where his head had +been_). Now, how _very_ odd! He found a brick in exactly the same +place when I was here before! Someone must have a grudge against him, +poor boy! But he ought to look _before_ he stands on his head, next +time! + +_Mr. Timmerman_ (_carelessly, to his wife, as the Deadwood Coach is +introduced_). It would be rather fun to have a ride in the Coach--new +experience and all that. + +_Mrs. T._ (_who doesn't intend him to go_). Oh, do be _careful_ then. + +_Mr. T._ (_feeling quite the Daredevil_). Pooh, my dear, what is there +to be careful about? + +_Mrs. T._ It does look such a ramshackle old thing--it might break +down. Accidents do happen so quickly. + +_Mr. T._ (_reflecting that they certainly do_). Oh, if it wasn't +perfectly safe, they wouldn't-- + +_Mrs. T._ Well, promise me if you go on the box to hold on tight round +the corners, then! + +_Mr. T._ (_who doesn't see much to hold on by_). I shan't _go_ on the +box--I shall go inside. + +_Mrs. T._ There mayn't be room. There are several people waiting to +go already. You'll have to make haste to get a seat at all. I shall be +_miserable_ till I see you safe back again! + +_Mr. T._ (_who is not sure he doesn't share her feelings_). Oh well, +if you feel like _that_ about it, I won't-- + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, yes, do, I _want_ you to go--it will be so exciting for +you to see real Indians yelling and shooting all round. + +_Mr. T._ (_thinking that it may be more exciting than pleasant_). +Might bring on one of my headaches, and there'll be such a smell of +gunpowder too. I hardly think, after all, it's worth while. + +_Mrs. T._ If you feel in the least _nervous_ about it. (_Mr. T. denies +this indignantly._) Then go at once--you may never have the chance +again; only don't stay talking about it--go! + +_Mr. T._ (_pulling himself together_). Very well, if you really wish +it.... Confound it! _Most_ annoying, really! (_Sits down relieved._) +They've started! It's all _your_ fault, if you hadn't kept me here +talking! + +_Mrs. T._ (_humbly_). I _am_ so sorry--but there's another performance +in the evening; we might dine here, and then you could easily go on +the Coach afterwards if you're so anxious to! + +_Mr. T._ And sit through the show twice in one day? No, good as it is, +I really--and I've some letters I must write after dinner, too. + + [_Mrs. T. smiles to herself discreetly, satisfied with having + gained her point._ + + * * * * * + +UNOPPOSED ELECTION. + +On Saturday last, being the first day permissible under the statute, +the nomination of a Knight to serve in Parliament for the Shire of +Barks, was held in the county town. The proceedings were marked by +a pleasing unanimity, and an outburst of popular enthusiasm which +seriously tried the resources of the local police. There was only one +candidate--TOBY once more M.P. The nomination paper was signed by _Mr. +Punch_, Mr. GLADSTONE, Lord SALISBURY, and most of the Crowned Heads +of Europe. + +The Sheriff inquired if it were desired to nominate any other +Gentleman. (_A Voice_--"_I should think not!_") There being no other +response, the Sheriff declared the Hon. Gentleman duly elected, and +said he would like to be permitted to forego his fees, if indeed any +were due. + +[Illustration] + +In response to loud calls from the assembled crowd, _Mr. Punch_ +said he had great pleasure in recommending his young friend to the +suffrages of this important constituency. (_Cheers._) He called him +young, for though he had been on his (_Mr. Punch's_) establishment for +over fifty years, he was very little altered. There were some people +who never grew old (_A Voice_--"_Bully for you, Mr. Punch!_") and +amongst them he might include his faithful follower, whom they had +just unanimously re-elected Member for Barks. He trusted that in the +future, his young friend would pursue the course honourably followed +by him in the past. ("_Hear! Hear!_") This was the fourth Parliament +to which he had been elected, and he trusted it would not be the +last. (_Cheers._) He might perhaps allude to a rumour current in +the ordinary channels of information, which seemed to point to their +friend's transference to another place. He had the authority of TOBY, +M.P., to say that, as far as his freedom of action is concerned--and +_Mr. Punch_ thanked Heaven this is still free England--(_loud +cheers_)--that prognostication would never be realised. The highest +honour ever done to his friend, was the selection of him by the men of +Barks to represent them in the Commons House of Parliament. (_Renewed +cheering._) His fullest pleasure was to retain their confidence and +to serve them and posterity to the utmost extent of his power and +opportunity. (_Disturbance at the rear of the hall; cries of "Put him +out!" "Sit on 'is 'ead!"_) _Mr. Punch_ begged they would do no such +thing. It would be sure to give way under pressure. (_Laughter._) In +conclusion, he begged to thank them for the honour they had done his +friend, and he might add, themselves. + +There were loud cries for TOBY, M.P., but the Hon. Member begged to +be excused from making a speech on this occasion. For one reason he +shrank from coming into competition in the lists of platform-speaking +with his revered friend and Leader. Another thing was, he was really +so overcome by the honour just done him, that he could not trust +himself to speak. He would write--as soon as the new Parliament met. + +After the customary votes of thanks had been carried by acclamation, +the new Member was hoisted shoulder-high by the enthusiastic mob, and +carried off to his country residence, The Kennel, Barks, where he will +remain during the Recess. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IMPORTANCE OF EXTERNALS. + +"BUT WHY DON'T YOU SEND FOR DR. MASHER, AUNT JANE? HE'S THE CLEVEREST +DOCTOR IN THE WHOLE COUNTY!" + +"OH, MY DEAR, I COULDN'T! HE _DRESSES_ SO IRRELIGIOUSLY!"] + + * * * * * + +VOTES AND THE MAN! + + "One Man, one Vote!" A fine, fair-sounding plan! + Would we could also get "One Vote, one _Man_!" + Then we might also reach, "One Vote, one value." + But, England, you have never found, nor shall you, + Alas! (despite the democracy's promoter) + That real manhood always marks the voter; + Or fearing neither knave's device, nor "rough" rage, + We'd trust the State to a _true_ Manhood Suffrage! + + * * * * * + +FROM TAPLOW. + +_First 'Arry._ I'll tell you a good name for a Riverside Inn--"_The +'Av-a-launch_." + +_Second 'Arry._ I'll tell you a better--"The 'Ave-a-lunch." Come +along! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHITE LIES. + +_Frisky Spinster._ "HOW MANY DANCES ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME TO-NIGHT, +CAPTAIN WAXHAM?" + +_Captain Waxham._ "OH, I'M SO SORRY, BUT THERE'S NOT ENOUGH MEN, YOU +KNOW, AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD OFF BY MRS. MASHAM TO DANCE WITH THE +GIRLS WHO--A--WHO ARE NOT LIKELY TO GET PARTNERS!" + +[_Asks the Girl just behind him for three Waltzes and a Polka!_] + + * * * * * + +"CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS." + +(_A SONG OF THE THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S._) + +AIR--"_Killaloe._" + + Closed! The long wild whillaloo + That oft smacked of "Killaloe," + The contagious wrath of Buskin and of Sock + Hath abated for awhile, + And no more the Emerald Isle + On the stage and in the green-room seems to shock. + The curtain is rung down, + The comedian and the clown, + With the sombre putter-on of tragic airs, + Are gone, with all the cast, + And the Theatre, at last, + Is "Closed for Alterations and Repairs." + + They may cheer for GLADSTONE hearty, + For BALFOUR or MCCARTHY, + This, that, or t'other party, + As it pleases them to do. + They may howl like Mænads crazy, + For policies dark and hazy; + New stars ere long + The stage may throng, + To play in pieces new. + + The managerial soul + Though relieved, upon the whole, + From the six years' run, and all its stir and strain; + Feels anxiety, no doubt, + As to "stars" which may go out, + And others that may probably remain. + He has run a popular play, + Which the Treasury says will pay, + Despite of gallery hisses, groundling blares; + But there's care upon his face, + 'Tis a most expensive place, + And 'tis "Closed for Alterations and Repairs." + + They may cheer, &c. + + No doubt there has been fun, + But the piece has had its run. + And now from stage and playbill disappears. + Now east, west, north, and south, + The quidnuncs are giving mouth, + Till the Manager would gladly close his ears. + Two companies, neither loth, + Seek his suffrages, and both + Have a _répertoire_ that half attracts, half scares. + He's aware it will need _nous_ + To make choice. Meanwhile the House, + Is "Closed for Alterations and Repairs." + + They may cheer, &c. + + Much money must be spent + Ere the public is content. + Says the Manager, "By Jingo, I'm perplext. + Shall I keep on SALISBUREE, + Or engage old W.G., + And what's the piece that I shall put on next? + Well, no more need be said, + Till July has fully sped + And August brings the Autumn Season's cares, + Then we'll learn the cast and play-- + 'Tis sufficient for to-day + That we've 'Closed for Alterations and Repairs.' + + "They may cheer the Old Man hearty, + Brave BALFOUR, mild MCCARTHY, + This, that, or t'other party, + As it pleases 'em to do. + Their noise half drives me crazy, + The future's rather hazy, + But interest strong, + I trust, ere long, + Will crowd my House anew!" + + * * * * * + +OH, SAUNDERSON, MY COLONEL! + +AIR--"_John Anderson, my Jo!_" + + Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel, + You're stout and eloquent, + But boding; as the raven. + Knock ninety-nine per cent. + From your Cassandra prophecies, + As bogeyish as eternal, + And you'll be nearer to the truth, + Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel! + + Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel, + Could you but pull together, + Orange and Green, a truce were seen + To bigotry and blether. + 'Tis _they_ that keep the Emerald Isle + In pother so infernal. + Drop hate and fear, try love and trust, + Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel! + + * * * * * + +OBVIOUS.--The _Daily News_ reports the mysterious disappearance from +the Government Saw Mills at Portsmouth, of 2,570 feet of deal. "No one +can say," it is added, "what became of the wood." Why, it walked off +of course, with so many feet the temptation was irresistible. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS." + +MR. PUNCH. "CHANGE OF ACTORS AND PROGRAMME, EH, MR. BULL?" + +MR. JOHN BULL (_Manager and Proprietor_). "CAN'T TELL YET, MR. +PUNCH,--DON'T OPEN TILL AUGUST!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FUTURE DIPLOMAT. + +"MUMMIE, DEAR, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ENOUGH SUGAR FOR MY STRAWBERRIES!" +(_Mummie helps him to some more sugar._) "_NOW_, MUMMIE, YOU HAVEN'T +GIVEN ME ENOUGH STRAWBERRIES FOR MY SUGAR!" + +[_Mummie helps him to more Strawberries!_] + + * * * * * + +ELECTION NOTES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S SPECIAL COMMISSIONER._) + +The excitement is getting terrific. In the principal streets party +flags are waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house is hidden +beneath vast posters, setting forth the merits of the rival parties. +The Association of Jam-Dealers held a private meeting last night. +I was, however, enabled to be present having disguised myself as +Mr. BLACKFORD, one of the Vice-Presidents of the Association, who +was taken ill at the last moment, and whose letter of excuse for +non-attendance I managed to intercept. The proceedings opened with +prayer, on the model of the recent Ulster Convention. After this, +the discussion began. A series of questions had, it appears, been +addressed to both Candidates. Here they are:-- + +(1) Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of foreign +jam-stuffs? + +(2) Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the London +Cooperative Stores to sell only Jam manufactured by the Bunkham +Jam-Dealers' Association? + +(3) Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the rising +generation of one of the necessaries of life in the shape of Bunkham +Jam? And will you therefore oppose, by all lawful Parliamentary means, +the use of the domestic rod as a punishment for so-called Jam-stealing +out of store-room cupboards? + +(4) Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or strawberries? + +(5) Will you advocate a tax of twopence per pot on all jam not +manufactured in the Bunkham district? + +Both Candidates had sent written replies. But it was generally felt +that on the answers to the fourth question, the vote of the meeting +would depend. Bunkham is a district in which raspberries and +gooseberries are almost exclusively grown. Now it is well-known that +Mr. PLEDGER, the Liberal Candidate, has an almost passionate affection +for strawberry-jam, and much interest was shown as to whether he would +be true to his favourite food, or renounce it in order to capture +votes. I am glad to say that the honourable gentleman refused to +palter with his convictions. In a manly and straightforward answer, he +declined to be a party to "a system of espionage which had invaded the +breakfast table, and might go far to make even luncheon intolerable." + +"From my youth up," he continued, "I have never wavered in the +conviction, that of all known preserves, strawberry-jam is both the +best, and the most sustaining. I should disgrace myself if I were now, +at the eleventh hour, to declare a preference which I do not honestly +feel for gooseberry or raspberry." + +This, of course, settled the matter. Mr. TUFFAN declared emphatically +against the obnoxious strawberry; and the result was that the +Association, by an enormous majority, decided to support him. The +Liberals were at first much discouraged, but they have now taken heart +again. One of their Canvassers, it seems, has succeeded in making +himself a _persona grata_ to a lady who occupies the position of +under-housemaid in the establishment of the TUFFANS. Through her he +obtained an empty pot of strawberry-jam, lately consumed by the +TUFFAN family. This has been fixed upon a long pole, with a placard +underneath it, to the following effect:-- + +TAKEN FROM TUFFAN'S TABLE! + +VOTE FOR PLEDGER, AND HONEST CONVICTIONS! + +And the device is now being carried all over the Town by the Junior +Liberal Association. + +The polling takes place to-morrow. Both sides are confident, but, +on the whole, after reviewing all the circumstances of the case as +impartially as possible, taking into account everything that tells for +or against both parties, and not forgetting the effect produced by the +public secession of Mr. HONEYDEW, the tobacconist, and Ex-President +of the Liberal 500, I am disposed to believe in the victory of Mr. +PLEDGER; that is to say, unless Mr. TUFFAN should manage to secure a +sufficient number of votes to defeat his opponent. + +Yours &c., THE MAN IN THE MOON. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S ELECTION ADDRESS. + + To the Electors of the United Kingdom! + I, PUNCH, who shoot at follies, and have wing'd 'em + For fifty years, and shall for fifty more, + Greet ye! It were to force an open door + To ask ye one and all, to give your votes + To ME! There, there, my boys! don't strain your throats! + My tympanum is tender. _Punch_ rejoices + To listen once more to "your most sweet voices," + Only you need not howl and make them raucous. + I'm not a Party Nominee, no Caucus + Has wire-pulled Me! I'd like to see 'em do so! + I am _Man Friday_ to no party _Crusoe_, + SALISBURY, GLADSTONE, BALFOUR, HARCOURT, GOSCHEN, + Are all on my Committee. MORLEY's notion + (Shared for the nonce by JOE the shrewd and able), + Is, that it's safe to sit at _my_ Round Table, + Where they all hob-a-nob as friends, not foes! + E'en the MACULLUM MORE cocks not his nose + Too high in _Punch's_ presence; he knows better! + Supremacy unchallenged is a fetter + E'en to patrician pride, provincial vanity; + Scot modesty, and Birmingham urbanity, + Bow at my shrine, because they can't resist. + Thus I'm the only genuine Unionist, + While all the same, my British Public _you_'ll err, + If you conceive I'm not a firm Home-Ruler. + Perpend! There's sense and truth in my suggestions, + And therefore, do not ask superfluous questions. + You might as fitly paint Dame Venus freckled, + As fancy _Punch_ will stoop to being "heckled." + I have no "Programmes," I. My wit's too wide + To a wire-puller's "platform" to be tied. + I know what's right, I mean to see it done, + And for the rest good-tempered chaff and fun + Are my pet "principles"--till fools grow rash + From toleration, _then_ they feel the lash. + I am a sage, and not a prig or pump, + Therefore I never canvas, spout or stump, + I'm Liberal--as the sunlight--of all Good, + Which to Conserve I strive--that's understood, + But Tory nincompoop, or rowdy Rad, + The thrall of bigotry, the fool of fad + I hate alike. There's the straight tip, my bloaters! + Now run and vote for _Punch_--all who are voters; + And if some few have not that boon indeed, + Well those who cannot run at least can _read_. + There! that's enough, my lads! I'm off to lunch, + You, go and do your duty; plump for PUNCH!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SED REVOCARE GRADUM." + +_Beauty_ (_with cool candour_). "OH YES, INDEED, I FREQUENTLY MAKE +BETS; BUT I AM SO UNLUCKY!" + +_Sporting Youth_ (_trying to be sympathetic_). "REALLY? BUT I SUPPOSE +YOU NEVER HAVE MUCH ON--THAT IS--I MEAN--" [_Collapse._] + + * * * * * + +OTHERWISE ENGAGED! + +(_A SENTIMENTAL FRAGMENT FROM HENLEY._) + +And so they sat in the boat and looked into one another's eyes, +and found much to read in them. They ignored the presence of the +houseboats, and scarcely remembered that there were such things as +launches propelled by steam or electricity. And they turned deaf ears +to the niggers, and did not want their fortunes told by dirty females +of a gipsy type. + +"This is very pleasant," said EDWIN. + +"Isn't it?" replied ANGELINA; "and it's such a good place for seeing +all the events." + +"Admirable!" and they talked of other things; and the time sped on, +and the dark shadows grew, and still they talked, and talked, and +talked. + +At length the lanterns on the river began to glow, and Henley put on +its best appearance, and broke out violently into fireworks, it was +then Mrs. GRUNDY spied them out. She had been on the look out for +scandal all day long, but could find none. This seemed a pleasant and +promising case. + +"So you are here?" she exclaimed. "Why, we thought you must have gone +long ago! And what do you say of the meeting?" + +"A most perfect success," said he. + +"And the company?" + +"Could not be more charming," was her reply. + +"And what did you think of the racing?" Then they looked at one +another and smiled. They spoke together, and observed:-- + +"Oh, we did not think of the racing!" + +And Mrs. GRUNDY was not altogether satisfied. + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins +with a short engagement." + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_The Look-out, Sheepsdoor, Kent._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +My rest at the seaside has done me such a world of good that I feel +more lazy than ever! But I fear I am in danger of a relapse into +excitement, owing to a letter I received a few days ago from an old +military friend of mine, General ELECTION, in which he asks me to lend +my _invaluable_ assistance in "canvassing" for his nephew, the Hon. +CHARLIE HULLOTHERE, who is standing for Sheepsdoor.--Ah, how little +did I think that my reference to "canvas" shoes in my last letter +would be so prophetic! The General is very gallant, and fully +appreciates the usefulness of women in canvassing; and, in order +to be quite "up to date," I have ordered in a large supply of +gingerbread-nuts and oyster-shells, which I observe (see daily papers) +are distributed as marks of respect among Candidates and their wives! + +Having also heard that a Brass Band is indispensable (the more brass +it is, the better), I have made friendly overtures (_musical_, +of course) to the Sheepsdoor Purveyors of Brassharmony, with the +flattering result that they now conclude every performance with my +specially composed "_Election War Cry_"--the refrain of which is most +effective when given by a chorus of trained Constituents!-- + + HullLo-there! + HullLo-there! + He's the man for us; + + We respect him! + We'll elect him! + And we might do wuss!! + +In fact, our Candidate is very popular, and is sure to "romp in +an easy winner"--which is another puzzling racing expression, as, +although I've seen plenty of horses indulge in a game of romps before +the start (notably, _L'Abbé Morin_, in the "City"), they seem to have +had more than enough of it before the finish! + +I hear from Newmarket, that I missed an extremely pleasant week's +racing--and although my selection for the Stud Produce Stakes was +rather wide of the mark, I fairly hit the bullseye--(what a painful +operation this must be for the bull)--in my one "_Song from the +Birdcage_," which I warbled in the ear of a racing friend whom I met +down here; it was _à propos_ of the July Stakes and ran thus:-- + + The night was dark when "_Portland Bill_" escaped by Chesil Beach! + And hope beat high within his heart, that he the goal might reach! + For "_Milford_" Haven lies in sight!--one effort and he's there! + But see!--At last--he's caught!--he's passed!--just by the Judge's + Chair! + +Which really remarkable prophecy was fully borne out by the race, in +fact, so close a description might almost have been written _after the +race_--a great compliment to my powers of divination! + +Next week takes us to Bibury and Stockbridge. and if this hot weather +continues, the motto of the Club should be, "_Dum vivo Bibere_"--or, +freely translated--"_Half_ the soda, please!" The race to which +I propose to give my attention is the Alington Plate, and as I am +nothing if not thorough, you will see that my tip is influenced by my +being at the Seaside? + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +ALINGTON PLATE SELECTION. + + The storm was raging through the night, + I tossed upon my pillow, + And pitied any luckless wight + Who tossed upon the "_Billow_!" + + * * * * * + +A SLIGHT MUDDLE.--"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that the Cassocks are +performing at the Buffalo Bill place--though not knowing the gentleman +personally, I would prefer calling him BUFFALO WILLIAM or WILLIAM +BUFFELLOW, which would be a less outlandish name--and I confess I was +astonished, as I always thought that Cassocks were Clergymen, or had +something to do with the Clergy. I suppose I had connected them with +Hassocks, which are always in Church, and were, I believe, invented +by Mr. HASSOCK, or Squire HASSOCK, who made all his money by keeping +a gate on the old Brighton Coach Road. The station is still called +Hassock's Gate, in his memory. HER MAJESTY had all the Cassocks sent +down to her at Windsor. They must have been quite worn out by the end +of the day." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELECTION FEVER. A CANDIDATE'S DREAM.] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday.--Lohengrin._ House full to hear Brother JOHN and Madame +MELBA. "Please, Sir, Mr. JOHNNIE DE RISKY ain't here," blurts out the +pale and trembling call-boy. + +[Illustration: Cherubino takes the Chair at a small Meeting. A De +Risky situation.] + +Sir AUGUSTUS calm, impassible. Crisis. If no one turned up, he would +act the part himself, and, it being Wagnerian music, the orchestra +would play what of the part had to be played. At that moment lounged +in Monsieur VAN DYCK, just to see how things were going on without +him. "I'm a little hoarse to-night," quoth VAN DYCK, pleasantly. +"Nonsense!" cries Sir DRURIOLANUS, cheerily, "a '_Van_' can never be +a little hoarse." Much merriment. "DYCK, my boy," continues Sir D., +"you've come in the very nick of time--quite a Devil's Dyke, you +are,"--the accomplished vocalist was in ecstasies at his Manager's +joke,--"and you shall distinguish yourself to-night as _Lohengrin_!" +Oh, what a surprise! No sooner said than done. Armour for one ordered +immediately. ISAAC of York Street goes to work, and--presto!--VAN +DYCK is "ready in case." "Now," asks DRURIOLANUS, "what are we waiting +for?" + +"Please, Sir, Madame MELBA isn't here!" + +"MELBA not here to play _Elsa_!" exclaims Sir DRURIOLANUS, immediately +adding, with that wit which is always, like the British Tar, 'Ready, +aye ready!'--"then we must get somebody Else Sir!" and scarcely had +the words escaped his lips, than Madame NORDICA, who happened to +be passing by, sang out in an extempore recitative, "_Me voici!_" +"_Bravissima!_" cried Sir DRURIOLANUS. "Saved! Saved!" General dance +of joy. + +So the Curtain was rung up, and the Opera, with Madame NORDICA (_vice_ +MELBA) as _Elsa_, and VAN DYCK (_vice_ Little JOHNNIE THE RISKY) as +_Lohengrin_, made a big success. House crowded. All's well that ends +as well as this. + +[Illustration: Sir Druriolanus, M.P.(ressario) for Covent Garden.] + +_Tuesday with Mozart._--What a good starting idea for a Comic Opera +would be the notion of making those two types of knaves, _Leporello_ +and _Figaro_, meet as counter-plotters. Monsieur MAUREL suggests +a step in this direction, when one night he impersonates the gay +Spanish Don, and on another he appears as the roguish Italian barber, +no longer an intriguing bachelor but a jealous bridegroom. Merry +Melodious MOZART! Old-fashioned he may be, like not a few of the best +melodies and the best stories. Elegant Countess is Madame EMMA EAMES. +Can she possibly ever have been _Rosina_, _Dr. Bartolo's_ tricky ward! +What a change matrimony makes in some folks! Old _Dr. Bartolo_ bears +not much resemblance to the other _Dr. Bartolo_, and _Don Basilio_, a +kind of Ecclesiastical lawyer, is quite a rollicking wag as compared +with the _Basilio_ of the Barber of Seville. Nothing could be better +than the _Susanna_ of Mlle. TELEKI, or sweeter than the duet, heartily +encored, between her and the _Countess_. EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ is a +magnificent representative of the gloomily-jealous Count, who, having +once been the gayest of the gay, still retains something of his old +sly-boots character in private. He is always going wrong, and always +being in the wrong when found out: a Count quite at a discount, for +whom there will perhaps be no rest until he is "par." with a family. +Needless to say, the part was well acted and sung by Brother NED, whom +a gentleman near me, who "knew all about it," mistook for his brother +JOHN, and criticised accordingly. As _Cherubino_, Mlle. SIGRID +ARNOLDSON is a delightfully boyish scapegrace, giving us just that +_soupçon_ of natural awkwardness which a spoilt sunny Southern lad of +sixteen, brought up in such mixed society as is represented by _Count +Almaviva's_ household, would occasionally show when more than usually +"spoony." Mlle. ARNOLDSON sings MOZART pure and simple, without +interpolating cadenzas, roulades, nourishes, or exercises of musical +fireworks, and the audience rewarded her artistically simple rendering +of "_Voi che sapete_" with an _encore_, which was as hearty as it was +well-deserved. Capital House. Parliamentary musicians conspicuous by +their absence. Ex-M.P.'s represented in a body by Sir H-NRY EDW-RDS +the evergreen. + +It was reported in the House--the Opera House--that Sir DRURIOLANUS +was standing; but for what Constituency, was not mentioned. The rumour +was justified by his appearing at the Stall entrance, where he stood +for some time, but as he finely observed, "I am not in search of a +seat--in Parliament. No! Let who will make the people's laws, give +me the bringing out for them of their Operas and Pantomimes." So +saying, he bowed gracefully to nobody in particular (who happened +to be talking to him), and, with a refreshing wave of the hand, Sir +DRURIOLANUS was wafted away into the offing, and "lost to sight," +while still "to memory dear." + +_Trumpet Note in advance._--_The Trompeter of Sakkingen_ is announced +as "in active preparation." Needless to say more, as, of course, he +blows his own trumpet for himself. The question is, will it be a big +trump in the hand of Sir DRURIOLANUS? + +_Saturday._--_Elaine_ changed her mind, and wouldn't come out +to-night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NEW RENDERING OF "CONSULE PLANCO"--"CONSULT PLANCHETTE."--If +"Planchette" can give such accurate information as it appears to +have done at Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM's supper-party, and elsewhere, as +recounted in the _Daily Telegraph_, why is it not at once put into +general requisition? Why is there any Parliamentary debating? Why not +use "Planchette?" Why run any chance of losing on a race, but simply +"ask Planchette?" Only, by the way, if this were universal, and if +everyone is to win, who is to lose? Thus Planchette would put an end +to nearly all speculation. Planchette would inaugurate a new era +of complete and unqualified success. No doubt Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM +consulted Planchette before producing _The Fringe of Society_, and +is in consequence being amply rewarded for placing his trust in +Planchette. Failure would be impossible except to the obstinate few +who should persistently refuse to pin their faith on the utterances +of "Planchette." But, suppose after doing enough to establish her +reputation, "Planchette," being feminine and therefore "_varium et +mutabile semper_," should suddenly deceive her followers, as did +_Zamiel's_ seventh charmed bullet (which ought always to have been +kept up _Caspar's_ sleeve--but _Caspar_ was an idiot), and the Weird +but Larky Sisters who captivated _Macbeth_? + +"Trust her not, she's fooling thee, Beware! Beware!" and Planchette, +the little plank, will make more of her followers "plank down" than +pick up gold and silver. + + * * * * * + +"DEAREST CHUCK!"--_SHAKSPEARE._ + +"_Mr. G._" (_to the Ardent Female Supporter, henceforth to be +historically known as "The Gingerbread-nut-Chucker"_):-- + + 'Twas all very well to dissemble your love, + But why chuck the nut in my eye? + + [_Mr. G. is aware that the Divine WILLIAMS has spoken of + ginger as "hot in the mouth," but Mr. G. says "he got it + uncommonly hot in the eye."_] + + * * * * * + +"THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL."--Lord RANDOLPH in again for South +Paddington. The First to arrive. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +ease be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, JULY 9, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14991-8.txt or 14991-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/9/9/14991 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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