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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+October 1, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 22, 2005  [eBook #15439]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 15439-h.htm or 15439-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/4/3/15439/15439-h/15439-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/4/3/15439/15439-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 103
+
+OCTOBER 1, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"STUMPED!"
+
+(_A WOULD-BE LAUDATORY ODE. BY JINGLE JUNIOR._)
+
+    [The young Indian Gentleman, Mr. H. RANJITSINHJI, has "secured
+    his century" at Cricket no less than eleven times this
+    season.]
+
+  O H.S. RANJIT--(spelling a wild venture is!)
+  Wielder of willow, runner-up of "centuries"!
+  What's in a name? A name like RANJITSIN--
+  (_Can't_ finish it, was foolish to begin!)
+  How many miles was it you ran, O RAN--
+  (Bowled out again. Am sorry I began!)
+  In running out those hundreds, RANJITSINGHJ--
+  (A man were a patched fool, a perfect ninny,
+  Who'd try to spell that name, Ask _Bully Bottom!_)
+  With such a name to carry, how you got 'em,
+  O RANJ--(that sounds like Orange!)--those same "notches"
+  Is quite a wonder. Were they "bowls" or "cotches"
+  That got you out at last, those times eleven?
+  (Where is GRACE now? He has not scored _one_ even,
+  This season, though as close as ninety-nine to it.)
+  Applause has greeted you; let me add mine to it,
+  O RAN-JIT-SIN-HJI! (Those last three letters
+  What _do_ they spell?) Orthography's cold fetters
+  Shan't chill my admiration, smart young Hindoo!
+  Say, did you smite a sixer through a window,
+  Like Slogger THORNTON in _his_ boyish prime,
+  O RANJITSINHJI? Got it this time!
+  That is, it _spelt_ all right. E'en admiration
+  Shan't tempt me to attempt _pronunciation_!
+  Eleven centuries we to Indian skill owe!
+  Will the East lick the West at its own "Willow?"
+  Here's luck to India and young RAN--Och, murther!
+  RAN-JIT-SIN-SIN--How's that! _Out_? Can't get further!
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OH NO, WE NEVER MENTION IT."--The KENDALS have got a Play by a young
+American Author with the very uncompromising name of DAM. He, or his
+Play, may be Dam good, or just the reverse: still, if he does turn out
+to be the "big, big D," then all the Dam family, such as Amsterdam,
+Rotterdam, Schiedam, and so forth, will be real proud of him. Future
+Dams will revere him as their worthy ancestral sire, and American
+Dam may become naturalised among us (we have a lot of English ones
+quite a _spécialité_ in that line, so the French say), and become
+Dam-nationalised. What fame if the piece is successful, and DAM is
+on every tongue! So will it be too, if unsuccessful. Englishmen will
+welcome the new American playright with the name unmentionable to
+ears polite, and will recognise in him, as _the_ Dam _par excellence_,
+their brother, as one of the uncommon descendants of A-DAM. By the
+way, the appropriate night for its production would be Christmas
+Eve. Fancy the cries all over the House, calling for the successful
+Author!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE.
+
+"COME UNDER THE UMBRELLA, JACK, IT'S BEGUN TO RAIN, AND YOU'LL CATCH
+COLD, AND MAMMA'LL BE VEXED!"
+
+"POOH! AS IF SALT WATER EVER GAVE ONE COLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PUNSCH"
+
+(_IN THE READING-ROOM OF THE BERNERHOF._)
+
+  Although thy name is wrongly spelt
+  Upon thy case, what joy I felt
+  To find a place where thou hast dwelt,
+            My Punsch!
+
+  Yet wit and wisdom, even thine,
+  Can't wake up Berne, where folks supine
+  All go to bed at half-past nine,
+            My Punsch!
+
+  What art or jokes could entertain,
+  Such sleepy people? True, they feign
+  It's later, for they say "_halb zehn_,"
+            My Punsch!
+
+  My German "_Punsch_," what gender thine?
+  They who accept, likewise decline,
+  "_Das Weib_" might feminine assign--
+            Die Punsch!
+
+  No matter which, if I behold
+  Thy pages, worth their weight in gold--
+  It's true they're more than three weeks old,
+            My Punsch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ODD FELLOW OUT.--The Church-breaking thief (_vide_ the _Standard's_
+provincial news) who was arrested at Oswestry (fitting that a
+Church-thief should have been arrested by Os-Westry-men--which sounds
+like a body of mounted ecclesiastical police), explained that he was
+a "monumental mason of Dublin." Perhaps the Jury will find him
+monu-mentally deranged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEALTH AND HOPPINESS.
+
+    [It is reported that the latest move is for ladies to combine
+    profit and pleasure by going "hopping."]
+
+  Fair Woman longs for novelty,
+    Her daily task is apt to cloy her,
+  The pastimes that were wont to be
+    Diverting now do but annoy her.
+  The common joys of life are spent
+    So tired of tennis, shooting, shopping,
+  She turns in her despair to Kent,
+    And tries her 'prentice hand at hopping.
+
+  Now girls whom you would scarce believe
+    Would not turn up their nose at soiling
+  Their dainty hands, to dewy eve
+    From early morn keep ever toiling.
+  There's ETHEL of the golden hair
+    Who flutters through existence gaily
+  (Her father is a millionnaire),
+    Hops hard and does her twelve hours daily.
+
+  Then pretty MAUD, with laughing eyes,
+    Who hardly knew what daily wage meant,
+  To everybody's great surprise
+    Proceeds to cut this, that engagement.
+  Amid the vines she daily goes,
+    And picks till weary fingers tingle,
+  The sweetest music now she knows
+    Is hearing hard-earned sovereigns jingle.
+
+  This latest move, it's very true,
+    Appears to be a rather rum thing,
+  But yet for idle hands to do
+    We know that Someone will find something.
+  Will fashionable hopping last?
+    Well, this it's safe to lay your cash on,
+  Before another year has passed
+    There'll be another female fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIVE LA RAIN DU BALLET À L'ALHAMBRA!--"Certainly," says MR. JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD, "Ve've la rain. It comes pouring down on the stage, and
+the people come pouring in to see it. I suppose," says he, "they'll
+now call me 'The Wetter'un?" The ballet is very effective, not a drop
+too much, and "not a drop in the business" in front of the house,
+though there is, as is evident, on the stage. If Manager JOHN liked
+to quote SHAKSPEARE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might
+say, "With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it raineth
+every night!" For some time to come this show will be the raining
+favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the _Sheffield Telegraph_,
+describing the alterations and improvements in front at the Alhambra,
+wrote--"The ceiling has been bevelled with porous plasters so as to
+hide the girders." We know that hand:--it's Our "Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM,"
+and she "comes from Sheffield." However, "porous plasters" would be
+another attraction at the Alhambra, or anywhere, as they certainly
+ought to _draw_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+Unlucky Leicester was even more unlucky than usual--and when the big
+race was run last Wednesday, so thick was the rain, that the horses
+could only be seen for the last half mile! Of course this made all
+the difference to the horse I selected--_Windgall_--who finished
+second;--as he only gives his _best_ performances _in public_, and
+as he doubtless _knew he couldn't be seen_, he thought it was only a
+private trial until he got close home, when his gallant effort was too
+late to be of any use!--at least, this is how _I_ read the result of
+the race, and who can know more about a horse than the racing-prophet,
+I should like to know?
+
+I was told by Sir WALTER GREENINGTON, that the public "tumbled over
+each other" to back _Breach_, but I must say I didn't notice anything
+of the sort, and it was not the kind of day anyone would choose for
+a roll on the turf, the state of which was detrimental to any kind of
+_Breach_!--The believers in "coincidences"--(of which I need hardly
+say _I_ am one--a coincidence being a truly feminine reason for
+backing a horse)--had no option but to back the winner, _Rusticus_;
+as he drew the same berth he occupied in last year's race, which he
+alsop--(I mean also)--won for Mr. HAMAR BASS!--_Stuart_ was a great
+eleventh hour tip--(why _eleventh_ hour I wonder?--more than any
+other--and who fixes the precise moment when the _eleventh_ hour
+commences?)--but history tells us the STUARTS were mostly unreliable;
+and though I am told he ran a "great horse"--I thought him rather on
+the small side myself!
+
+I hear that Mr. LEONARD BOYNE has received a "licence to ride" from
+the Jockey Club, and that his ambition is to ride the winner of the
+"Grand National"--to which end he has started "schooling" a well-known
+chaser over the private training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to
+Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS--if he hopes to escape observation by training
+at night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the evening, I
+went to witness this "new departure" in training, I found most of the
+London racing-touts present, with the inevitable field-glasses!
+
+Next week sees us once more at our beloved Newmarket First
+October--(this is a Jockey-Club joke, as the meeting _always_ takes
+place in _September_! But what does a little paradox of this kind
+matter to such an _August_ body!)--and I shall append my selection
+for the most important race of Wednesday, but I also wish to give a
+hint to the "Worldly Wise" not to miss the October Handicap, or the
+match, for which _Buccaneer_ will be favourite at the "fall of the
+flag!"--(The flag may _fall_, but such a _Buccaneer_ as this is will
+never "strike his flag" I feel sure!) Being absolutely overloaded
+with prophecy, I must also have a word to say on the Rutland
+Plate, which aristocratically-named race could only be won by the
+aristocratically-named _Buckingham_!--Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.
+
+GREAT-EASTERN RAILWAY HANDICAP SELECTION:--
+
+  Though good his chance to win the prize,
+    "Lord HENRY" soon detected,
+  That greatest danger would arise,
+    From Colonel NORTH's "_Selected._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES."
+
+"On July 4th, Lieutenant PEARY, in his great sledge journey, commenced
+on May 15th last, in Greenland, came on a glacier which he named The
+Academy Glacier."--_Times_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SWORD AND PEN.
+
+A FABLE.
+
+(_TRANSLATED FROM THE RUSSO-FRENCH._)
+
+Pen was a busy personage. He was flying from place to place, and
+had much importance. He was pompous and mysterious, and puzzled many
+people. Pen was accompanied by a sheet of paper that he called Treaty.
+Pen took Treaty everywhere. To Russia, to France, to Rome, and to
+Turkey. No one knew exactly what Treaty was like. Pen said he was
+satisfied with Treaty, and as Pen and Treaty were such constant
+companions, Pen's word on the subject was accepted as authentic.
+
+But one fine day there was a breeze, and Treaty was blown away by the
+wind.
+
+"Can I not assist?" asked Pen. "Things seem to have gone wrong."
+
+"No, thanks," replied Sword, grimly; "when it comes to close quarters,
+we find ink not quite so useful as gunpowder!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR AN OUTSIDE ADVERTISEMENT TO BE DISPLAYED AT THE DOOR OF
+THE STRAND THEATER.--"_Niobe_ all tiers" (full).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIEF INTERVIEW.
+
+"And," asked our deferential Interviewer, "what did your Lordship
+reply to the deputation about Uganda?"
+
+Lord ROSEBERY at once answered, "I said little, but I--"
+
+"_Ment-more_," interrupted the Private Secretary, sticking a label on
+his Lordship's travelling bag.
+
+"Quite so," said Lord ROSEBERY, and off he went.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAD FOR WOULD-BE "ENGLISH WIVES"--It is reported that "Yankee Girls
+and American Belles were the feature of the Miscellaneous Market."
+This should put our young men on their mettle--tin, of course, for
+choice. No reasonable offer refused.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HOW IT'S DONE!"
+
+(_Hard on Sketchley, who was there at the time and in the thick of it,
+and has just had his Picture photographed._)
+
+"OH! MR. SKETCHLEY, HOW CLEVER OF YOU TO PAINT SUCH A LARGE PICTURE
+FROM SUCH A SMALL PHOTOGRAPH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAYS OF MODERN HOME.
+
+NO. V.--MY BUTTONS!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  It wasn't that he blacked the plate
+    And rouged the boots, and breathed, half-choking,
+  Half-snorting, when he leaned to wait;
+    Although these habits _are_ provoking.
+
+  It wasn't that he sang his fill,
+    Although his mouth with food was giving;
+  This latter, as a feat of skill,
+    Might have procured the lad a living.
+
+  It wasn't that he'd purchase hosts
+    Of squibs and sweets to mess the pantry;
+  That horrid boy, and broomstick-ghosts
+    On timid JANE would oft, and ANN try.
+
+  These petty peccadilloes might
+    Have all improved with careful training.--
+  It was his shameless appetite
+    That gave us cause for most complaining.
+
+  He swilled and stuffed as never mere
+    Adult voracity can own to;
+  He was a "growing boy," I fear;
+    I wonder much what he has grown to!
+
+  He wore away our forks and spoons
+    With hard, incessant gormandizing;
+  The Baker's, and, for some blue moons,
+    The Milkman's bill were quite surprising.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  He cost us more in Butcher's meat
+    And Grocer's tea, and things from Cutlers,
+  He cost, I solemnly repeat,
+    Far more than two or three big Butlers.
+
+  And thus his fat increased until't
+    Became a show that sight bewilders;
+  We trembled for our mansion built,
+    You see, by noted Jerry-builders.
+
+  At length (you'll scarce the fact believe)
+    One evening, as we sat at dinner,
+  And strove our senses to deceive
+    By just imagining him thinner;
+
+  We heard a crack, a burst, a groan,
+    We felt a broadside round us battered,
+  We _saw_ his buttons fiercely blown
+    About our heads, and piecemeal scattered!
+
+  The suit had split; the boy was bare
+    Of clothes designed to last for ages;
+  We gave him notice then and there--
+    This _volume_, so to speak, of pages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG TO BE SUNG IN HAYMARKET ORCHESTRA DURING OVERTURE.--"Oh, why
+should we wait till to-morrow? See _Queen of Manoa_ to-night!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A GUERNSEY EXCURSION CAR.
+
+    _The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with Excursionists
+    on pleasure bent, is toiling up the steep streets of St. Peter
+    Port, when it comes to a sudden halt._
+
+[Illustration: "Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey
+expression."]
+
+_Excursionists_ (_impatiently_). Now then, what's this? What are we
+stopping here for?
+
+_The Driver_. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will thoroughly understand
+that it is customary for the car to stop here, in order that the
+party may be photographed, thus providing an agreeable souvenir of
+the trip, and a useful means of identification at Scotland Yard. (_A
+Photographer appears in the road with a camera, and the party prepare
+themselves for perpetuation in a pleased flutter_.) P'raps, Sir--(_to
+a Mild Man on the box-seat_)--you'd like to be taken 'andling the
+ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do.
+
+    [_The Mild Man accepts the reins, and endeavours to assume a
+    knowing and horsey expression._
+
+_A Timid Lady_ (_behind_). I _do_ hope no Gentleman will take the
+reins, unless he is thoroughly accustomed to driving four-in-hand.
+Suppose they took it into their heads to run away suddenly!
+
+_Driver_ (_solemnly_). Don't you alarm yourself about that, Ma'am, in
+the very slightest degree. These 'osses take that pride in themselves,
+they'd stop here all day rather than spoil their own likenesses!
+
+    [_The M.M. intimates that he is no novice in the art of
+    driving, which is fairly true as regards a pony-trap--and the
+    fears of the_ T.L. _are allayed._
+
+_Photographer_. Now, steady all, please, those at the further ends of
+the seats stand up so as to come into the picture, a little more to
+the right, please, the gentleman in the straw 'at, turn your 'ead a
+trifle more towards the camera, the lady in the pink shirt,--that's
+better. Better take off your spectacles, Sir. Now then--are you ready?
+
+_A Comic Exc._ 'Old on a bit--I've a fly on my nose.
+
+    [_Some of the party giggle; the photograph is successfully
+    taken, and the car proceeds._
+
+_The Driver_. On your left, Ladies and Gentlemen, you have the
+Prison--the cheapest Hotel in the Island for parties who intend making
+a protracted stay here. On our right we are now passing "Paradise."
+You will observe that someone has 'ung his 'at and coat up at
+the entrance, not being certain of getting in. Notice the tree in
+front--the finest specimen on the island of the good old Guernsey
+hoak.
+
+    [_He keeps turning from time to time to address these
+    instructive remarks to the passengers behind him._
+
+_The Timid Lady._ I wish he wouldn't talk so much, and look more where
+he is going--we're _much_ too near the hedge!
+
+_Driver_ (_standing up, and turning his back on the horses, as they
+trot on_). Ladies and Gentlemen, you will all thoroughly understand
+that the roads in this Island are narrow. Consequently, you must look
+after the branches and briars yourselves. I've enough to do to look
+after my 'orses, I assure you, and it looks bad to see 'ats and
+bonnets decorating the 'edges after the car has passed. (_Some of the
+Excursionists look at one another uneasily._) The glass-'ouses you see
+in such quantities, are employed in the production of early grapes and
+tomators for the London Market. This Island alone exports annually--
+
+    [_Here the car rounds a corner rather sharply, and he sits
+    down again._
+
+_The Mild Man (with a Mild Man's thirst for information_). What are
+those buildings over there with the chimney?
+
+    [_Here he is conscious of being furtively prodded in the
+    back--but decides to take no notice._
+
+_Driver_ (_rising as before_). Those buildings, Ladies and Gentlemen,
+are Chemical works for extracting iodine from seaweed. The seaweed,
+after being dried, is then boiled, and from the ash--
+
+    [_Here the Mild Man, who has been listening with much
+    interest, is startled by receiving a folded piece of paper,
+    which it passed up to him from behind._
+
+_The M.M._ (_to himself, as he reads the message_). "Keep the Driver
+quiet. He is drunk." Good Gracious! I never noticed--and yet--dear me,
+I hope they don't expect _me_ to interfere!
+
+_The Timid Lady_ (_to the Driver_). For goodness sake never mind about
+iodine now--sit down and attend to your driving, like a good man!
+
+_Driver_. You will thoroughly understand, my horses require _no_
+attention. (_Sleepily._) No attention whatever. I assure you I am
+perfectly competent to drive this car and give you information
+going along at the same time. (_The car takes another corner rather
+abruptly._) Simply matter of habit. (_Gravely._) Matter'f habit!
+
+_A Serious Exc._ (_in an undertone._) A very _bad_ habit, I'm afraid.
+It's really time somebody else took the reins from him!
+
+_The M.M._ (_overhearing_). I'm afraid they mean me--I wish now I'd
+never touched the reins at all!
+
+_Driver_. The Church we are now coming to, is St. Martin's, built in
+the year eleven 'undred.
+
+_A Female Exc._ (_critically_). It _has_ got an old-fashioned look
+about it, certainly.
+
+_A Male Exc._ There's nothing to see inside of these old churches. I
+went in one the other day, and I was looking up at the rafters, and
+I saw a sort o' picture there, and I said, "Ullo--they've been
+advertising Pears' Soap here, or something." But when I looked again,
+it was only an old fresco. I was so little interested I walked out
+without tipping the Verger!
+
+_The Female Exc._ That Church we went to on Sunday evening is very
+old.
+
+_Her Comp._ Is it? How do you know?
+
+_The F.E._ Why, my dress was covered with bits of fluff out of the
+hassock!
+
+_Driver._ The carved stone figure you see by the gate, is supposed
+to be a portrait of Julius Cæsar's Grandmother, and very like the
+old lady. (_The Excursionists nearest him smile in a sickly way, to
+avoid hurting his feelings, as the car moves on--to halt once more at
+Icart Point._) It is customary to alight here and go round the point,
+and I can assure you, Ladies and Gentlemen, the scenery is well worth
+your inspection and will give you a little idea of what the Island
+_is_.
+
+_Excursionists_ (_taking advantage of the opportunity to discuss the
+situation_). I noticed it the minute I set eyes on him--he never
+ought to have been sent out like this ... He's been to a wedding this
+morning, so I heard, and it's upset him a little, that's all ... Upset
+_him_--we're lucky if he doesn't upset _us_. What a fidget you are! I
+shan't take _you_ into Switzerland next year, if you're like this...
+If Switzerland's full of a lot of drunken men, I don't want to go...
+Well, what had we better _do_ about it? Perhaps _this_ gentleman
+would--Oh, no, I couldn't take the responsibility, really, not without
+knowing the way. Well, we can't _walk_ back, that's certain--we must
+trust to luck, that's all! Pretty bit of the coast you get here ...
+Oh, don't talk about the scenery _now_, when, for all we know!--&c.,
+&c.
+
+    [_The car starts again, and presently arrives at a winding
+    and precipitous road leading down to Petit Bot Bay, where the
+    Driver again rises with his back to the horses, and proceeds
+    to address the Excursionists, as they sit paralysed with
+    horror._
+
+_Driver_. Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point I shall explain the
+scenery. (_The Timid Lady protests that she is content to leave
+the scenery unexplained._) Pardon me, this is a portion of the
+scenery--(_Here his eyes close and reopen with an effort_)--a portion
+of the scenery that can only be properly enjoyed coming out on one of
+these cars. If you go out with ordinary drivers, they take you along
+the main roads, and you come away fancying you've seen the Island.
+Now the advantage of coming along with _me_--(_His eyes close once
+more--the Excursionists implore him to attend to his team_.) You will
+thoroughly understand there is not the slightest cause to apprehend
+any danger. I've driven this car fifteen years without least
+accident--up to _present_. So you can devote your whole attention
+to the scenery, without needing to keep an eye upon the Driver.
+(_He points to the abyss_.) That is the _shortest_ way down--on this
+occasion, however, I shall endeavour _not_ to take it. (_He whips up
+his horses, and accomplishes the descent at a brisk pace_.) There,
+didn't I _tell_ you there wouldn't be no accident? Very _well_, then.
+P'rhaps you'll believe me another time!
+
+_Mild Man_ (_alighting at Hotel for luncheon_). We've had a remarkably
+lucky escape--I never felt more thankful in my life!
+
+_A Gloomy Exc._ Don't you be in too great a hurry, Sir! We've got to
+get _back_--and he's bound to be worse after he's had his lunch!
+
+    [_The M.M.'s appetite for lobster is entirely destroyed by
+    this sinister prediction; but whether the Driver has been
+    unjustly maligned, or whether he has sobered himself in
+    the interval--he reappears in a more sedentary, and less
+    discursive mood, and the journey home proves agreeably devoid
+    of sensation._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIMPLE STORIES.
+
+"Be always kind to animals wherever you may be."
+
+RUBY AND THE ROOK.
+
+RUBY, although she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty and clever
+girl.
+
+But, like many pretty and clever little ladies, she was sometimes very
+naughty. When she was good, she was as good as gold, but when she was
+naughty, she was as naughty as pinchbeck.
+
+The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning, it
+happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothing would please
+her--she was cross with her governess at breakfast, she quarrelled
+with her bread-and-milk; and even when her favourite tame Rook,
+Cawcus, came hopping on her shoulder, she refused to give it anything
+to eat, but hit it on the beak with her spoon.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Miss DUMBELL was very much grieved at the way in which her pupil
+lolled in her chair, gave sullen answers, and put flies in the
+milk-jug, and pinched the cat's tail. "Mind, RUBY," said Miss DUMBELL,
+"at eleven o'clock I shall expect you in the school-room with that
+page of French phrases quite perfect." RUBY's eyes flashed as she
+went out of the room; she pouted, she swung her skirts, and shook her
+shoulders, so that even Miss DUMBELL, the most patient and kindest of
+governesses, quite longed to slap her.
+
+RUBY went to the school-room; she immediately flung the French
+phrase-book from one end of the room to the other. She took some
+story-books, and a little basket full of apples, bath-buns and
+"three-corners," and ran down to a little plantation called the
+Wilderness, at the bottom of the garden. She selected one of the
+tallest elms, and as she could climb like a kitten, she was soon at
+the top of it, quite hidden from view among the leaves.
+
+"So much for old DUMMY and her French phrases!" said the naughty girl,
+as she settled herself in a comfortable position and brought out her
+story-book. The stable-clock had struck twelve, and she heard her
+name called in all directions, by JORGINS, the gardener, BRILLIT,
+the buttons, and long-suffering Miss DUMBELL. They could not find her
+anywhere, and her Most Serene Naughtiness sat screened by the leaves
+and shook with laughter.
+
+Presently "Cawcus," her pet Rook, came fluttering amid the leaves,
+and began to caw. RUBY offered him bits of Bath bun, and even a whole
+three-corner, in order to keep him quiet.
+
+But he remembered his treatment at breakfast, and refused all
+these bribes with scorn. He declined to be petted, he continued to
+hover over the tree, and circle around it, giving vent to the most
+discordant shrieks. Presently she heard the clear measured tones of
+her Mamma's voice saying, "RUBY, come down at once. I know you are
+up in the elm." Cawcus, whom she had maltreated, had betrayed her
+hiding-place.
+
+RUBY dared not disobey. Quite subdued, and with garments grievously
+greened, she descended. Mamma took her little daughter indoors, and
+improved the occasion. RUBY eventually appeared, with tears in her
+eyes, and subsequently apologised to her governess, recited the page
+of French phrases without a mistake, and promised to be a good girl.
+Though she sometimes forgot herself, and was rude to Miss DUMBELL
+afterwards, she never failed to treat Cawcus the Rook with most
+profound consideration and reverence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MELENDA.
+
+(_A SET OF VERSES ACCOMPANYING A PHOTOGRAPH._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I remember--do you?--the remarkable sky light
+    That flooded the heavens one evening in May,
+  How together we talked _tête-à-tête_ in the twilight,
+    When the glow of the sunset had faded away.
+  Then you showed me your album. I looked at its pages.
+    With yourself as my guide and companion went through
+  Its contents--there were people of all sorts and ages,
+    But the portrait I fancied the most was--of you.
+
+  And you saw that I did. Which perhaps was the reason
+    Of your "No!" when I asked "May I have it?" You swore
+  You were going to be shot at the close of the season,
+    And you couldn't spare that, as there weren't any more.
+  But at length I prevailed, or at least you relented,
+    After ever so many excuses--in fine
+  We agreed to a compact, you only consented
+    On condition I gave you a portrait of mine.
+
+  Well, I promised, of course. And I write you these verses
+    With your face--you'll forgive me--quite close to my own.
+  There's a charm in your look that completely disperses
+    All my cares in a way that is yours, dear, alone.
+  And although I am pleased, since I won in the end--a
+    More ridiculous bargain has never, I vow,
+  Been arranged than a picture of pretty MELENDA,
+    In exchange for the photograph sent to you now.
+
+  We did not meet again through some horrible blunder,
+    Which a merciless Fate must be asked to explain,
+  And I sometimes sit smoking, and wearily wonder
+    If I ever _am_ destined to see you again.
+  Yet wherever the future may possibly find you,
+    To this final request do not answer me Nay,
+  When I ask that this gift of myself may remind you
+    Of the friend who was with you that evening in May.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE.
+
+SCENE--_Public Drawing-room of Hotel in the Engadine._
+
+_The Hon. Mrs. Snebbington_ (_to Fair Stranger_), "ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE
+SO UNSOCIABLE, AND NEVER SPEAK TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION.
+I ALWAYS MAKE A POINT OF BEING FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE STAYING AT THE
+SAME HOTEL. ONE NEED NEVER KNOW THEM AFTERWARDS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVANCING YEARS.
+
+(_HOW IT STRIKES A CONTEMPORARY._)
+
+    ["Owing to advancing years, Mr. ---- has been compelled to
+    resign his position as ----" _Extract from any Daily Paper_."]
+
+  Advancing years! It cannot be.
+    What, JACK, the boy I've known--God bless me!
+  Why yes, it was in '43
+    That first we met, and--since you press me--
+  The time has sped without my knowledge,
+    That's close on fifty years ago;
+  Like some deep river's silent flow,
+    Since JACK and I first met at College.
+
+  'Twas on a cloudy Autumn day.
+    Fast fading into misty twilight;
+  The freshmen, as they trooped to pray,
+    Stepped bolder in the evening's shy light.
+  As yet we did not break the rules
+    In which the College deans immesh men,
+  We fledglings from a score of schools,
+    That far October's brood of freshmen.
+
+  Like one who starts upon a race,
+    The Chaplain through the service scurried.
+  From prayer to prayer he sped apace;
+    I marked him less the more he hurried.
+  My prayer-book fell--my neighbour smiled;
+    Reversing NEWTON with the apple,
+  I, by that neighbour's eye beguiled,
+    Quite lost my gravity in chapel.
+
+  And so we smiled. I see him still,
+    Blue eyes, where darting gleams of fun shine,
+  A smile like some translucent rill
+    That sparkles in the summer sunshine,
+  A manly mien, and unafraid,
+    Crisp hair, fair face, and square-set shoulders,
+  That made him on the King's Parade
+    The cynosure of all beholders.
+
+  And from this slight irreverence,
+    Too small, I hope, to waste your blame on,
+  We grew, in quite a Cambridge sense,
+    A sort of PYTHIAS and DAMON.
+  Together "kept," together broke
+    Laws framed by elderly Draconians,
+  And I was six, and JACK was stroke,
+    That famous night we bumped the Johnians.
+
+  How strong he was, how fleet of foot,
+    Ye bull-dogs witness, and ye Proctors;
+  How bright his jests, how aptly put
+    His scorn of duns, and Dons, and Doctors.
+  We laughed at care, read now and then--
+    Though vexed by EUCLID on the same bridge--
+  Ah, men in those great days were men
+    When JACK and I wore gowns at Cambridge.
+
+  We paid our fines, we paid our fees,
+    And, though the Dons seemed stony-hearted,
+  We both got very fair degrees,
+    And then, like other friends, we parted.
+  And when we said good-bye at last
+    I vowed through life to be his brother--
+  And more than forty years have passed
+    Since each set eyes upon the other.
+
+  And so through all these changing years
+    With all their thousand changing faces,
+  Their failures, hopes, successes, fears,
+    In half a hundred different places,
+  JACK still has been the same to me,
+    As bright within my memory's fair book
+  As when we met in '43,
+    And smiled about that fallen prayer-book.
+
+  Ah well, the moments swiftly stream
+    Unheeded through the upturned hour-glass;
+  I've lived my life, and dreamed my dream,
+    And quaffed the sweet, as now the sour glass.
+  But old and spent my mind strays back
+    To pleasant paths fresh-strewn with roses,
+  And I would see my old friend JACK
+    Once more before the curtain closes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANNOUNCEMENT.--The Earl of LATHOM (who, being quite six feet or
+more, cannot be described as Small and Earl-y) is to lay the
+foundation-stone of "The Cross Deaf and Dumb School for N. and E.
+Lancashire." Now the Deaf and Dumb are, as a rule, exceptionally
+cheerful and good-tempered. It is quite right, therefore, that
+exceptions to this rule should be treated in a separate establishment,
+and that the "Cross Deaf and Dumb" ones should have a house to
+themselves. _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HIGHLY-POLISH'D PERFORMANCE.--HENRY IRVING as _Le Juif Polonais_ in
+_The Bells._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TUNING THE HARP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FRIEND TAKES ME FOR A QUIET DRIVE.
+
+[Illustration: 1. "Don't be alarmed, Jack--it's only her way. She
+always does this at starting. Never knew her to come over."]
+
+[Illustration: 2. "May as well get out. She always makes me walk up
+here."]
+
+[Illustration: 3. "Look sharp, Jack, and get the reins from under her
+tail or we'll have an accident!"]
+
+[Illustration: 4. "Curious thing how she hates trains!"]
+
+[Illustration: 5. "Better be on the look-out for a soft spot, old
+chap!"]
+
+[Illustration: 6. "Now this is the second time she has turned me out
+just here!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE MONKEY-HOUSE;
+
+_OR, CAGE VERSUS CLUB._
+
+  PROFESSOR GARNER goes to the Gaboon
+  To garner Monkey talk; a dubious boon!
+  Stucco Philistia shows in many shapes
+  The babble of baboons, the chat of apes.
+  Why hang, Sir, up a tree, in a big cage,
+  To study Simian speech, which in our age
+  May be o'erheard on Platform or in Pub,
+  And studied 'mid the comforts of a Club?
+  And yet perchance your forest apes would shrink
+  From Smoke-room chat of apes who _never_ think,
+  But cackle imitatively all round,
+  Till their speech hath an automatic sound.
+  Put the dread name of GL-DST-NE in the slot
+  SMELFUNGUS calls his mouth, and rabid rot
+  Will gurgle forth in a swift sewer-like gush
+  Of coarse abuse would make a bargee blush.
+  SMELFUNGUS is a soldier, and a swell,
+  But--the Gaboon can scarce surpass Pall-Mall
+  In vicious, gibbering vulgarity
+  Of coarse vituperation. Decency,
+  Courtesy, common-sense, all cast aside!
+  Pheugh! GARNER, in his cage, would open wide
+  His listening ears, did Jacko of the forest
+  So "slate" a foeman when his head was sorest.
+  Strange that to rave and rant, like scullion storm,
+  Like low virago scold, should seem "good form"
+  To our Society Simians, when one name
+  Makes vulgar spite oblivious of its shame!
+  "Voluntary and deliberate," their speech,
+  "Articulate too"--those Apes! Then could they teach
+  Their--say _descendants_,--much. Does Club or cage
+  Hear most of rabid and unreasoned rage?
+  "Apes' manner of delivery shows" (they say)
+  "They're conscious of the meaning they'd convey!"
+  Then pardon, GARNER! Apes, though found in clans.
+  Are _not_, of course, political partisans.
+  Tired of the Club-room's incoherent rage,
+  One pines for the Gaboon, and GARNER's cage.
+  For what arboreal ape _could_ rage and rail
+  Like him, with fierce Gladstonophobia pale,
+  That Smoke-room Simian, though without a tail!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE BASKETS.
+
+The _Daily Graphic_ published a specific against cholera, alleged to
+have been invented by Doctor PICK, a German. Evidently "Our pick'd
+man of countries." As it is something to drink, and not to eat,
+the inventor is under no necessity to be known henceforth as Dr.
+PICK-AND-CHEWS. His remedy is to treat the _bacilli_ to Rhine
+Wine. The result of experiments has been "so much the worse for the
+_bacilli_." Substitute for the first vowel in "grapes" the third of
+the vowels, and it is of that the poor bacillus suffers, and dies. As
+the poet GROSSMITH sings of the German Rhine,--
+
+      "_That_ of the Fatherland,
+      The happy Fatherland,
+  Gives the greatest pain inside."
+
+However, the Bacillus is an enemy, and if he can be got rid of by
+_grape-shot_, pour it in and spare not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW PUBLICATION.--"_The Dumb D._" Musical Novel. Companion to _The
+Silent Sea_, by Mrs. MACLEOD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNS AND OUTS.
+
+NO. IV.--THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS.
+
+"And efery time _he_ gif a shoomp, _he_ make de winders sound."
+
+I do not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that shades the
+Grand Hôtel windows. It is of the clique who insist on shutting the
+windows that I write. Briefly speaking, the inmates of the Grand
+Hôtel may be divided into two classes--the window-openers and the
+window-shutters. The former are all British. The same Britons who
+at the Club scowl at a suspicion of draught, and luxuriate in an
+asphyxiating atmosphere, band against "the foreigners" in this
+respect. We have a national reputation to keep up. We are the nation
+of soap, of fresh air, of condescending discontent; and when we are on
+the Continent every one else, including the native, is "a foreigner;"
+we carry our nationality about with us like a camp-stool; we squat on
+it; we are jealous of it; it is a case of "_Regardez, mais ne touchez
+pas!_"
+
+[Illustration: COMMERCIAL INSTINCT.
+
+_Original Genius_ (_soliloquising_). "Lor, it 'id bin a crool Shame to
+miss an Opportunity like this 'ere. The gov'nor oughter lemme 'ave Ten
+Bob on that job!"]
+
+This patriotic obtrusiveness culminates in the Battle of the Windows.
+It is an oppressive evening. The _Table d'Hôte_-room is seething like
+a caldron; a few chosen conspirators and myself open the campaign
+early; we "tip" ADOLF "the wink." That diplomatist orders the great
+window to be half-opened. If things go smoothly, he will gradually
+open out other sources of ventilation. The Noah's Ark procession files
+in--all shapes and all languages, like the repast itself; DONNERWITZ,
+TARTARIN, SHIRTSOFF, SCAMPELINI; there is nothing in common
+between them--save the paper collar; they would hail international
+declarations of war to-morrow; but the sight of us, and that speck
+of air leagues them. "_Mein Gott, Die Engländer!_" coughs DONNERWITZ;
+"_Ce sont de fanatiques enrhumés!_" hisses TARTARIN; SHIRTSOFF sneezes
+the sneeze of All the Russias; "_Corpo di Bacco!_" cries SCAMPALINI;
+still nothing is done; the "_Potage à la reine_,"--so called from the
+predominance of rain-water--ebbs away in the commingled smacks and
+gulps of the infuriated Powers; "_Saumon du Rhin, sauce Tartare_"
+is being apportioned to the knives of all nations; it is perhaps
+the sight of his knife, from which soup only is sacred, that nerves
+the fuming DONNERWITZ to lead the attack. "Hst!" he shouts to the
+studiously unheeding ADOLF; "'nother bottil Pellell--ver' well sare!"
+chirrups ADOLF reassuringly to _me_; DONNERWITZ raises his knife;
+I fear for the consequences; he brings it down with a clang on
+the hardened tumbler of the Grand Hôtel; the timid _pensionnaire_
+of numberless summers starts and grows pale; SHIRTSOFF looks with
+peremptory encouragement towards the Teuton; "_Ach, gräsglich!_"
+rattles out DONNERWITZ, and strikes again; the cobra-like gutturality
+of that "_Ach_" is heart-rending; still no ADOLF; at a gold-fraught
+glance from my companions, he has ordered another detachment to the
+front; a fresh current of air invades the room. DONNERWITZ's knife is
+now brandishing peas; his offended napkin chokes him; with the yell
+and spring of a corpulent hyena, he rises and rushes to the windows.
+The timid _pensionnaire_ and her shrinking sisterhood follow him,
+under the misconception that he is summoning them to admire the
+sunset; the sunset is their evening excitement, and DONNERWITZ can be
+sentimental in his calmer moments; but no "_Wie wunder, wunderschön!_"
+escapes him; a Saxon word, that even they can understand, is on his
+lips; the ring on his forefinger gleams luridly; bang, bang, bang; he
+opens fire; down go the windows, and DONNERWITZ resumes his seat of
+war, his napkin waving like a standard before him. It is now my turn;
+I don't like it; but my co-conspirators expect me to maintain the
+honour of our country: ADOLF cannot be trusted further; I advance
+furtively; the eyes of Europe are upon me; one by one I open them
+again and subside; a terrible silence supervenes. What next?--that is
+the question!
+
+But DONNERWITZ is not only a MOLTKE, he is also a BISMARCK; flushed
+and moist with exertion, he has foreseen this move; it is the hour of
+that inevitable "_Bavaroise_"; the fork has succeeded to the knife:
+his mouth is at last free to confabulate with his neighbour--the Lady
+from Chicago.
+
+"Wal, I call that slap-up rude," I hear her remark. "In Amur'ca we
+should just hev' him removed; but Englishmen are built that way; they
+fancy, I s'pose, they discovered CO-LUMBUS;" and then DONNERWITZ
+leans over the table and, grasping the united weapons of fork,
+knife, and spoon, addresses me with effervescent deliberation.
+"Pardon,--Mister,--but--dis--leddy,--haf--gatarrh; in a Sherman
+shentleman's house--most--keep--first--de--leddy zimmer; so!" I
+don't fully understand, but I feel that my chivalry is impugned. My
+confederates, too, round upon me; "Of course," they whisper, "had no
+idea the lady was an invalid." The brutes! I stutter an apology, and
+"climb down;" the windows are again hermetically sealed; and, as I
+slink away. I hear "_Viva_!" "_Hoch_!" and clinking glasses. Then
+ADOLF hurries up surreptitiously, and whispers, "Tell you vat, Sare:
+to-morrer you shoost dine on de terass; dere, plenty breeze, hein?"
+"Plenty breeze!"--and you pay three francs extra, and catch a cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGH NO MORE, LOTTIE.
+
+    ["The disinfecting process has ruined all the dresses of Miss
+    COLLINS."--_New York Telegram_.]
+
+  Sigh no more, LOTTIE, sigh no more,
+    Those gowns have gone for ever;
+  You've cut some capers on that shore
+    That you expected never;
+  Then sigh not so, but let them go,
+    And be you blithe and bonny,
+  Converting all your sounds of woe
+    To Tarara--boom--de nonny.
+  Sing that vile ditty yet once more,
+    And win almighty dollars
+  From Yankees who have spoilt your store
+    Of frocks, frills, cuffs and collars;
+  The air will run in their heads like one
+    O'clock, till it makes the same ache.
+  While on you shines prosperity's sun.
+    Your Tarara-boom-de hay make!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PATTENMAKERS' BANQUET.--At the Court Dinner of the
+Pattenmakers, held at the Metropole. the eulogies of the Worshipful
+Master, Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (now Master of Horse at Drury Lane),
+were plentiful, and he had a considerable amount of _patten_ on the
+back from all his guests. The great dish of the evening was _Partridge
+au Patten_, an English substitute for _Perdrix au chou_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.]
+
+OUR GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (HERBERT II.),
+
+IN HIS NEW CHARACTER OF THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE.
+
+(_With Song_)--"_Here's to the Health of the Parley Mow_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONNET ON CHILLON.
+
+(_WHERE THE ELECTRIC LIGHT IS NOW INSTALLED IN THE DUNGEON OF
+BONIVARD._)
+
+  Electric lighting, dear to modern mind,
+    Bright in this dungeon! Switzerland, thou art
+    Too mad for things quite _fin-de-siècle_ smart!
+  Surely the trains, that rumble just behind,
+  And Vevey tramcars, in my thoughts consigned
+    To even hotter place, had been enough
+    To scare SAND, HUGO, SHELLEY, in a huff;
+  Make BYRON cast his poem to the wind!
+  Chillon, thy prison may become a place
+    With little marble tables in a row,
+  Where tourists, dressed with artless English grace,
+    May drink their _bock_ or _café_ down below,
+  And foreign penknives rapidly efface
+    The boasted names this light is meant to show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NOTE.--The most tranquillising, or even somniferous melodies
+ever composed, must have been those written by the celebrated LULLI.
+The first thing by LULLI was a "_Lulliby_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW WORDS TO AN OLD TUNE (AND A SYLLABLE TO SPARE).--Song for the
+SECRETARY for IRELAND:--"_'Tis all for good luck, quoth bould Rory
+O'Mor-ley._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL THE DIFFERENCE--between "_Sir_ G.O.M." and "_The_ G.O.M."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXAMINATION PAPER FOR A PRESS CANDIDATE.
+
+(_WITH A VIEW TO CARRYING OUT THE SUGGESTION OF THE INSTITUTE OF
+JOURNALISTS._)
+
+1. What are the principal duties of an Editor? State what you would do
+if you were visited by bores of the following kinds:--(1), a friend;
+(2), an enemy; (3), a proprietor.
+
+2. Show how a political article may be written, saying as little as
+possible in the greatest amount of space? Give specimens of "writing
+round a subject" without offending susceptibilities.
+
+3. What are the duties of a Dramatic Critic? Show, by a specimen
+article, how a critique of a bad play, indifferently performed, can
+yet be made to give satisfaction to the Author, the Manager, the
+Company, and the Public?
+
+4. What are the duties of a Special Correspondent at a Seat of War?
+Give a short descriptive article of a battle written in such a manner
+that the readers of your paper may learn everything without your
+getting shot as a spy, or drummed out of camp as an informer.
+
+5. What are the duties of a Reviewer? Describe the process of
+log-rolling, and give specimen of notices of books:--(1), when the
+Author is your friend, but you object to the Publisher; (2), when you
+hate the writer, but must not offend the gentleman whose name appears
+as the distributor, and (3), when you know nothing of the volume
+and its producer, but suspect that the Author reviews for another
+periodical, and that you may possibly get an order from his literary
+introducer.
+
+6. What are the duties of a Musical Critic? Show how it is feasible to
+write a most scientific notice without being able to distinguish the
+National Anthem, MASCAGNI's "_Intermezzo_," or "_The Wedding March_,"
+from "_The Slue Bells of Scotland_."
+
+7. Distinguish the difference between "Our Own Commissioner" and "Our
+Own Correspondent," and "Our Special Reporter" and "An Occasional
+Contributor." Give the rates of remuneration (if any) attaching to
+each office.
+
+8. What is "City Intelligence?" Is it affected by the rise and fall
+of the advertisement columns? State the difference between "News
+Specially Communicated" and a puff paragraph.
+
+9. Give the statistics (if you are able) of the number of aspirants to
+Journalism who have risen and fallen. Show that a small certainty in
+the City is better than an occasional ten-pound note earned in Fleet
+Street.
+
+10. Write an essay upon the subject that Journalism is better as a
+stick than a crutch, and show that it is useless to take up your pen
+if you have not already provided (from other sources) for the payment
+of your butcher's book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO FOOTBALL.
+
+  Farewell to thee, Cricket,
+    Thy last match is o'er;
+  Thy bat, ball, and wicket,
+    Are needed no more.
+  To thy sister we turn,
+    For her coming we pray:
+  Her worshippers burn
+    For the heat of the fray.
+
+  Hail! Goddess of battle,
+    Yet hated of Ma(r)s,
+  How ceaseless their tattle
+    Of tumbles and scars!
+  Such warnings are vain,
+    For thy rites we prepare,
+  Youth is yearning again
+    In thy perils to share.
+
+  Broken limbs and black eyes,
+    May, perchance, be our lot;
+  But grant goals and ties
+    And we care not a jot.
+  Too sacred to name
+    With thy posts, ball, and field,
+  There is no winter game
+    To which thou canst yield.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW TRANSLATION--"VERY CHOICE ITALIAN,"--"_Sotto voce_;" i.e., in a
+drunken tone of voice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE!
+
+_BEING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER OF DRURY LANE._
+
+CHAPTER I.--_THE TEA-URN OF THE HUNTER._
+
+SIR JOHN HENRY NEVILLE WOODMERE was the most considerate of men, and
+he had a very considerate family, and a large circle of considerate
+acquaintances. He was obliging to the last degree, Among those he
+knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of gratitude (for they had
+furnished him with an old family mansion, a stud of racers, and passes
+for himself and circle to Paris) were AUGUSTE LE GRAND, and HENRI LE
+PETTITT.
+
+[Illustration: Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great
+Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up.]
+
+"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming. She has been
+well brought up, and has the finest sentiments; but it is necessary
+that she should run away to Paris, and dodge the parson. Otherwise,
+how could she be called _The Prodigal Daughter_?"
+
+Sir JOHN saw the force of this reasoning, and consented.
+
+"And stay," said AUGUSTE, "we must really have a good set, and you
+must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a breakfast, and all
+of you must wear hunting-coats. And look here, we can't do without
+flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open windows."
+
+"But," objected Sir JOHN, "if I am going a fox-hunting, surely it
+should be in the winter or spring. And how about the flowers?"
+
+"You have got them from Nice," replied AUGUSTE.
+
+So it was thus arranged. Sir JOHN's daughter, who was called ROSE
+MILLWARD WOODMERE, eloped and broke her father's heart.
+
+"But," exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a horse that
+was waiting for him on the lawn amongst the flower-beds, "although my
+heart is breaking, I will show the world I am a true English gentleman
+by starting off to head the chace!"
+
+And he said this out of consideration for AUGUSTE and HENRI, because
+he knew they wanted what is technically known as a Curtain. And by
+this means he gave them one. And a good one too.
+
+CHAPTER II.--_A LITTLE TRIP TO PARIS._
+
+And then Sir JOHN and all his considerate family and acquaintances
+went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hôtel, which seemed to have been
+surrendered to them (at convenient times) for their special use. Sir
+JOHN was accompanied by a most useful villain, who showed the depth of
+his depravity by wearing a moustache of the deepest dye. So that this
+depth might be better known, he called himself DEEPWATER.
+
+"Sir JOHN," said this villain, "your daughter has come to Paris with
+Captain HARRY VERNON, and you should trounce him."
+
+"I will," replied Sir JOHN, heartily; "but surely I have seen my
+daughter, and my niece, and Captain HARRY BOYNE VERNON, and the Hon.
+JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD, and Lord HARRY NICHOLLS BANBERRY (a comic
+Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress), and DUDLEY J.L. SHINE
+ROPER, a wicked but amusing Hebrew, hanging about. Cannot we meet for
+two minutes, and set everything to-rights?"
+
+"My dear Sir JOHN," returned MAURICE FERNANDEZ DEEPWATER, "pray
+consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met together for
+two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be settled. But then I
+am distinctly under the impression that AUGUSTE LE GRAND and HENRI LE
+PETTITT would be confoundedly annoyed."
+
+"Oh," exclaimed Sir JOHN, "if you think _they_ would be annoyed, do
+not say another word about it!"
+
+So the various characters gave one another a clear berth, and missed
+each other at the nick of time.
+
+But after awhile ROSE was left alone with the Hon. JULIAN BELFORD.
+
+"It is not very clear to me why we haven't married," said he.
+
+"Nor to me either!" she replied. "We dawdled a bit, and I daresay put
+it off because what one knows can be done at any moment is often not
+done at all."
+
+"Well, hadn't we better go to the British Embassy?"
+
+"Why, yes." she replied, with some hesitation; "but I really think
+you had better say you will marry my cousin. I fancy it would please
+AUGUSTE and HENRI."
+
+"Anything to oblige them," returned the Hon. JULIAN.
+
+"That being settled, please leave me, as I have to fall in a dead
+faint--must get an effective Curtain, you know!"
+
+The HON. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD nodded his head, and then ROSE MILLWARD
+WOODMERE fainted--with the desired result.
+
+CHAPTER III.--_CACKLE_ V. _'OSSES. THE FAVOURITE WINS._
+
+And now Sir JOHN and his considerate circle had come to England, and
+were close to Liverpool.
+
+"My dear people," said HENRI, "never mind your love-making, never mind
+your plot, leave it to AUGUSTE, and he will pull you through."
+
+And HENRI was quite right. AUGUSTE went to work with a will, and did
+pull them through. He took them to the Grand National Steeple Chace,
+and showed them and all the world a sight the like of which they had
+never seen before. There were real horses, real touts, and a real
+winner. Oh, how it went! It was magnificent! And, before this great
+race, AUGUSTE (helped by HENRI this time) showed a training-stable,
+and how a favourite can be nobbled. It didn't in the least matter
+why it was done, or where it was done. It was a lovely sight to see
+somebody or other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked
+them, and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On
+the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient vigour
+to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane, with a trot
+to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, perhaps to the old
+quarters, up to Easter.
+
+[Illustration: Oss-tentation; or, "Giving him Beans."]
+
+"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE. "_Voluptuary_
+will carry the whole of us--Authors, Managers, and Actors--to
+victory!" And he was right--_Voluptuary_ did carry them to success--a
+gigantic one.
+
+CHAPTER IV.--_THE MEANS JUSTIFY THE END._
+
+And Sir JOHN and his considerate circle acted up to their principles
+to the very end.
+
+"ROSE, come to my arms!" said he, to his child; "you have
+been prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and
+conciliation."
+
+"Then may we marry?" asked the Hon. JULIAN.
+
+"Certainly!" was the reply.
+
+And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted for.
+
+"Are you contented?" asked Sir JOHN, of AUGUSTE and HENRI.
+
+"How does it end?" was the answer, taking the shape of a question.
+
+"Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the Public
+generally."
+
+And AUGUSTE, HENRI, _Box_ and _Cox_, and in fact everybody who was
+anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they should be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 15439-8.txt or 15439-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+October 1, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: March 22, 2005  [eBook #15439]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***</p>
+<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />
+                and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br />
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 103.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>October 1, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145"
+       id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span>
+
+    <h2>"STUMPED!"</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A would-be laudatory Ode.<br />
+    By Jingle Junior.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[The young Indian Gentleman, Mr. H. RANJITSINHJI, has
+        "secured his century" at Cricket no less than eleven times
+        this season.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O H.S. RANJIT&mdash;(spelling a wild venture
+            is!)</p>
+
+            <p>Wielder of willow, runner-up of "centuries"!</p>
+
+            <p>What's in a name? A name like RANJITSIN&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>(<i>Can't</i> finish it, was foolish to begin!)</p>
+
+            <p>How many miles was it you ran, O RAN&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>(Bowled out again. Am sorry I began!)</p>
+
+            <p>In running out those hundreds,
+            RANJITSINGHJ&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>(A man were a patched fool, a perfect ninny,</p>
+
+            <p>Who'd try to spell that name, Ask <i>Bully
+            Bottom!</i>)</p>
+
+            <p>With such a name to carry, how you got 'em,</p>
+
+            <p>O RANJ&mdash;(that sounds like Orange!)&mdash;those
+            same "notches"</p>
+
+            <p>Is quite a wonder. Were they "bowls" or
+            "cotches"</p>
+
+            <p>That got you out at last, those times eleven?</p>
+
+            <p>(Where is GRACE now? He has not scored <i>one</i>
+            even,</p>
+
+            <p>This season, though as close as ninety-nine to
+            it.)</p>
+
+            <p>Applause has greeted you; let me add mine to it,</p>
+
+            <p>O RAN-JIT-SIN-HJI! (Those last three letters</p>
+
+            <p>What <i>do</i> they spell?) Orthography's cold
+            fetters</p>
+
+            <p>Shan't chill my admiration, smart young Hindoo!</p>
+
+            <p>Say, did you smite a sixer through a window,</p>
+
+            <p>Like Slogger THORNTON in <i>his</i> boyish
+            prime,</p>
+
+            <p>O RANJITSINHJI? Got it this time!</p>
+
+            <p>That is, it <i>spelt</i> all right. E'en
+            admiration</p>
+
+            <p>Shan't tempt me to attempt <i>pronunciation</i>!</p>
+
+            <p>Eleven centuries we to Indian skill owe!</p>
+
+            <p>Will the East lick the West at its own "Willow?"</p>
+
+            <p>Here's luck to India and young RAN&mdash;Och,
+            murther!</p>
+
+            <p>RAN-JIT-SIN-SIN&mdash;How's that! <i>Out</i>? Can't
+            get further!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"OH NO, WE NEVER MENTION IT."&mdash;The KENDALS have got a
+    Play by a young American Author with the very uncompromising
+    name of DAM. He, or his Play, may be Dam good, or just the
+    reverse: still, if he does turn out to be the "big, big D,"
+    then all the Dam family, such as Amsterdam, Rotterdam,
+    Schiedam, and so forth, will be real proud of him. Future Dams
+    will revere him as their worthy ancestral sire, and American
+    Dam may become naturalised among us (we have a lot of English
+    ones quite a <i>spécialité</i> in that line, so the French
+    say), and become Dam-nationalised. What fame if the piece is
+    successful, and DAM is on every tongue! So will it be too, if
+    unsuccessful. Englishmen will welcome the new American
+    playright with the name unmentionable to ears polite, and will
+    recognise in him, as <i>the</i> Dam <i>par excellence</i>,
+    their brother, as one of the uncommon descendants of A-DAM. By
+    the way, the appropriate night for its production would be
+    Christmas Eve. Fancy the cries all over the House, calling for
+    the successful Author!!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/145.png"
+             alt="IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE.</h3>
+
+        <p>"COME UNDER THE UMBRELLA, JACK, IT'S BEGUN TO RAIN, AND
+        YOU'LL CATCH COLD, AND MAMMA'LL BE VEXED!"</p>
+
+        <p>"POOH! AS IF SALT WATER EVER GAVE ONE COLD!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"PUNSCH"</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>In the Reading-room of the Bernerhof.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Although thy name is wrongly spelt</p>
+
+            <p>Upon thy case, what joy I felt</p>
+
+            <p>To find a place where thou hast dwelt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet wit and wisdom, even thine,</p>
+
+            <p>Can't wake up Berne, where folks supine</p>
+
+            <p>All go to bed at half-past nine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What art or jokes could entertain,</p>
+
+            <p>Such sleepy people? True, they feign</p>
+
+            <p>It's later, for they say "<i>halb zehn</i>,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My German "<i>Punsch</i>," what gender thine?</p>
+
+            <p>They who accept, likewise decline,</p>
+
+            <p>"<i>Das Weib</i>" might feminine assign&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Die Punsch!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No matter which, if I behold</p>
+
+            <p>Thy pages, worth their weight in gold&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>It's true they're more than three weeks old,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>AN ODD FELLOW OUT.&mdash;The Church-breaking thief
+    (<i>vide</i> the <i>Standard's</i> provincial news) who was
+    arrested at Oswestry (fitting that a Church-thief should have
+    been arrested by Os-Westry-men&mdash;which sounds like a body
+    of mounted ecclesiastical police), explained that he was a
+    "monumental mason of Dublin." Perhaps the Jury will find him
+    monu-mentally deranged.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HEALTH AND HOPPINESS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[It is reported that the latest move is for ladies to
+        combine profit and pleasure by going "hopping."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fair Woman longs for novelty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her daily task is apt to cloy her,</p>
+
+            <p>The pastimes that were wont to be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Diverting now do but annoy her.</p>
+
+            <p>The common joys of life are spent</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So tired of tennis, shooting,
+            shopping,</p>
+
+            <p>She turns in her despair to Kent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And tries her 'prentice hand at
+            hopping.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now girls whom you would scarce believe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would not turn up their nose at
+            soiling</p>
+
+            <p>Their dainty hands, to dewy eve</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From early morn keep ever toiling.</p>
+
+            <p>There's ETHEL of the golden hair</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who flutters through existence gaily</p>
+
+            <p>(Her father is a millionnaire),</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hops hard and does her twelve hours
+            daily.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then pretty MAUD, with laughing eyes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who hardly knew what daily wage
+            meant,</p>
+
+            <p>To everybody's great surprise</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Proceeds to cut this, that
+            engagement.</p>
+
+            <p>Amid the vines she daily goes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And picks till weary fingers tingle,</p>
+
+            <p>The sweetest music now she knows</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is hearing hard-earned sovereigns
+            jingle.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This latest move, it's very true,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Appears to be a rather rum thing,</p>
+
+            <p>But yet for idle hands to do</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We know that Someone will find
+            something.</p>
+
+            <p>Will fashionable hopping last?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, this it's safe to lay your cash
+            on,</p>
+
+            <p>Before another year has passed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There'll be another female fashion.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>VIVE LA RAIN DU BALLET À L'ALHAMBRA!&mdash;"Certainly," says
+    MR. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD, "Ve've la rain. It comes pouring down on
+    the stage, and the people come pouring in to see it. I
+    suppose," says he, "they'll now call me 'The Wetter'un?" The
+    ballet is very effective, not a drop too much, and "not a drop
+    in the business" in front of the house, though there is, as is
+    evident, on the stage. If Manager JOHN liked to quote
+    SHAKSPEARE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might
+    say, "With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it
+    raineth every night!" For some time to come this show will be
+    the raining favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the
+    <i>Sheffield Telegraph</i>, describing the alterations and
+    improvements in front at the Alhambra, wrote&mdash;"The ceiling
+    has been bevelled with porous plasters so as to hide the
+    girders." We know that hand:&mdash;it's Our "Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM,"
+    and she "comes from Sheffield." However, "porous plasters"
+    would be another attraction at the Alhambra, or anywhere, as
+    they certainly ought to <i>draw</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146"
+       id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span>
+
+    <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p>
+
+    <p>Unlucky Leicester was even more unlucky than usual&mdash;and
+    when the big race was run last Wednesday, so thick was the
+    rain, that the horses could only be seen for the last half
+    mile! Of course this made all the difference to the horse I
+    selected&mdash;<i>Windgall</i>&mdash;who finished
+    second;&mdash;as he only gives his <i>best</i> performances
+    <i>in public</i>, and as he doubtless <i>knew he couldn't be
+    seen</i>, he thought it was only a private trial until he got
+    close home, when his gallant effort was too late to be of any
+    use!&mdash;at least, this is how <i>I</i> read the result of
+    the race, and who can know more about a horse than the
+    racing-prophet, I should like to know?</p>
+
+    <p>I was told by Sir WALTER GREENINGTON, that the public
+    "tumbled over each other" to back <i>Breach</i>, but I must say
+    I didn't notice anything of the sort, and it was not the kind
+    of day anyone would choose for a roll on the turf, the state of
+    which was detrimental to any kind of <i>Breach</i>!&mdash;The
+    believers in "coincidences"&mdash;(of which I need hardly say
+    <i>I</i> am one&mdash;a coincidence being a truly feminine
+    reason for backing a horse)&mdash;had no option but to back the
+    winner, <i>Rusticus</i>; as he drew the same berth he occupied
+    in last year's race, which he alsop&mdash;(I mean
+    also)&mdash;won for Mr. HAMAR BASS!&mdash;<i>Stuart</i> was a
+    great eleventh hour tip&mdash;(why <i>eleventh</i> hour I
+    wonder?&mdash;more than any other&mdash;and who fixes the
+    precise moment when the <i>eleventh</i> hour
+    commences?)&mdash;but history tells us the STUARTS were mostly
+    unreliable; and though I am told he ran a "great horse"&mdash;I
+    thought him rather on the small side myself!</p>
+
+    <p>I hear that Mr. LEONARD BOYNE has received a "licence to
+    ride" from the Jockey Club, and that his ambition is to ride
+    the winner of the "Grand National"&mdash;to which end he has
+    started "schooling" a well-known chaser over the private
+    training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to Sir AUGUSTUS
+    HARRIS&mdash;if he hopes to escape observation by training at
+    night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the
+    evening, I went to witness this "new departure" in training, I
+    found most of the London racing-touts present, with the
+    inevitable field-glasses!</p>
+
+    <p>Next week sees us once more at our beloved Newmarket First
+    October&mdash;(this is a Jockey-Club joke, as the meeting
+    <i>always</i> takes place in <i>September</i>! But what does a
+    little paradox of this kind matter to such an <i>August</i>
+    body!)&mdash;and I shall append my selection for the most
+    important race of Wednesday, but I also wish to give a hint to
+    the "Worldly Wise" not to miss the October Handicap, or the
+    match, for which <i>Buccaneer</i> will be favourite at the
+    "fall of the flag!"&mdash;(The flag may <i>fall</i>, but such a
+    <i>Buccaneer</i> as this is will never "strike his flag" I feel
+    sure!) Being absolutely overloaded with prophecy, I must also
+    have a word to say on the Rutland Plate, which
+    aristocratically-named race could only be won by the
+    aristocratically-named <i>Buckingham</i>!&mdash;Yours
+    devotedly, LADY GAY.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">Great-Eastern Railway Handicap
+    Selection:&mdash;</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though good his chance to win the prize,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Lord HENRY" soon detected,</p>
+
+            <p>That greatest danger would arise,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From Colonel NORTH's
+            "<i>Selected.</i>"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/146.png"
+             alt="'THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES."</h3>
+
+        <p>"On July 4th, Lieutenant PEARY, in his great sledge
+        journey, commenced on May 15th last, in Greenland, came on
+        a glacier which he named The Academy
+        Glacier."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SWORD AND PEN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>A FABLE.</h4>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Translated from the Russo-French.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Pen was a busy personage. He was flying from place to place,
+    and had much importance. He was pompous and mysterious, and
+    puzzled many people. Pen was accompanied by a sheet of paper
+    that he called Treaty. Pen took Treaty everywhere. To Russia,
+    to France, to Rome, and to Turkey. No one knew exactly what
+    Treaty was like. Pen said he was satisfied with Treaty, and as
+    Pen and Treaty were such constant companions, Pen's word on the
+    subject was accepted as authentic.</p>
+
+    <p>But one fine day there was a breeze, and Treaty was blown
+    away by the wind.</p>
+
+    <p>"Can I not assist?" asked Pen. "Things seem to have gone
+    wrong."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, thanks," replied Sword, grimly; "when it comes to close
+    quarters, we find ink not quite so useful as gunpowder!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTION FOR AN OUTSIDE ADVERTISEMENT TO BE DISPLAYED AT
+    THE DOOR OF THE STRAND THEATER.&mdash;"<i>Niobe</i> all tiers"
+    (full).</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Brief Interview.</h3>
+
+    <p>"And," asked our deferential Interviewer, "what did your
+    Lordship reply to the deputation about Uganda?"</p>
+
+    <p>Lord ROSEBERY at once answered, "I said little, but
+    I&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Ment-more</i>," interrupted the Private Secretary,
+    sticking a label on his Lordship's travelling bag.</p>
+
+    <p>"Quite so," said Lord ROSEBERY, and off he went.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>BAD FOR WOULD-BE "ENGLISH WIVES"&mdash;It is reported that
+    "Yankee Girls and American Belles were the feature of the
+    Miscellaneous Market." This should put our young men on their
+    mettle&mdash;tin, of course, for choice. No reasonable offer
+    refused.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147"
+       id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/147-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/147-1.png"
+             alt="'HOW IT'S DONE!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"HOW IT'S DONE!"</h3>(<i>Hard on Sketchley, who was
+        there at the time and in the thick of it, and has just had
+        his Picture photographed.</i>)<br />
+         "OH! MR. SKETCHLEY, HOW CLEVER OF YOU TO PAINT SUCH A
+        LARGE PICTURE FROM SUCH A SMALL PHOTOGRAPH!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LAYS OF MODERN HOME.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. V.&mdash;MY BUTTONS!</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/147-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/147-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It wasn't that he blacked the plate</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And rouged the boots, and breathed,
+            half-choking,</p>
+
+            <p>Half-snorting, when he leaned to wait;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Although these habits <i>are</i>
+            provoking.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It wasn't that he sang his fill,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Although his mouth with food was
+            giving;</p>
+
+            <p>This latter, as a feat of skill,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Might have procured the lad a living.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It wasn't that he'd purchase hosts</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of squibs and sweets to mess the
+            pantry;</p>
+
+            <p>That horrid boy, and broomstick-ghosts</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On timid JANE would oft, and ANN try.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>These petty peccadilloes might</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have all improved with careful
+            training.&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>It was his shameless appetite</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That gave us cause for most
+            complaining.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He swilled and stuffed as never mere</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Adult voracity can own to;</p>
+
+            <p>He was a "growing boy," I fear;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wonder much what he has grown to!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He wore away our forks and spoons</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With hard, incessant gormandizing;</p>
+
+            <p>The Baker's, and, for some blue moons,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Milkman's bill were quite
+            surprising.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/147-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/147-3.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He cost us more in Butcher's meat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Grocer's tea, and things from
+            Cutlers,</p>
+
+            <p>He cost, I solemnly repeat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Far more than two or three big
+            Butlers.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And thus his fat increased until't</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Became a show that sight bewilders;</p>
+
+            <p>We trembled for our mansion built,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You see, by noted Jerry-builders.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>At length (you'll scarce the fact believe)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One evening, as we sat at dinner,</p>
+
+            <p>And strove our senses to deceive</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By just imagining him thinner;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We heard a crack, a burst, a groan,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We felt a broadside round us
+            battered,</p>
+
+            <p>We <i>saw</i> his buttons fiercely blown</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">About our heads, and piecemeal
+            scattered!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The suit had split; the boy was bare</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of clothes designed to last for ages;</p>
+
+            <p>We gave him notice then and there&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">This <i>volume</i>, so to speak, of
+            pages!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SONG TO BE SUNG IN HAYMARKET ORCHESTRA DURING
+    OVERTURE.&mdash;"Oh, why should we wait till to-morrow? See
+    <i>Queen of Manoa</i> to-night!"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148"
+       id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>
+
+    <h2>ON A GUERNSEY EXCURSION CAR.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with
+        Excursionists on pleasure bent, is toiling up the steep
+        streets of St. Peter Port, when it comes to a sudden
+        halt.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/148.png"
+             alt="'Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression.'" />
+        </a>"Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression."
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Excursionists</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Now then,
+        what's this? What are we stopping here for?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Driver</i>. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will
+        thoroughly understand that it is customary for the car to
+        stop here, in order that the party may be photographed,
+        thus providing an agreeable souvenir of the trip, and a
+        useful means of identification at Scotland Yard. (<i>A</i>
+        Photographer <i>appears in the road with a camera, and the
+        party prepare themselves for perpetuation in a pleased
+        flutter</i>.) P'raps, Sir&mdash;(<i>to a</i> Mild Man <i>on
+        the box-seat</i>)&mdash;you'd like to be taken 'andling the
+        ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> Mild Man <i>accepts the reins, and
+        endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey
+        expression.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>A Timid Lady</i> (<i>behind</i>). I <i>do</i> hope no
+        Gentleman will take the reins, unless he is thoroughly
+        accustomed to driving four-in-hand. Suppose they took it
+        into their heads to run away suddenly!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Driver</i> (<i>solemnly</i>). Don't you alarm
+        yourself about that, Ma'am, in the very slightest degree.
+        These 'osses take that pride in themselves, they'd stop
+        here all day rather than spoil their own likenesses!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> M.M. <i>intimates that he is no novice in
+        the art of driving, which is fairly true as regards a
+        pony-trap&mdash;and the fears of the</i> T.L. <i>are
+        allayed.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Photographer</i>. Now, steady all, please, those at
+        the further ends of the seats stand up so as to come into
+        the picture, a little more to the right, please, the
+        gentleman in the straw 'at, turn your 'ead a trifle more
+        towards the camera, the lady in the pink
+        shirt,&mdash;that's better. Better take off your
+        spectacles, Sir. Now then&mdash;are you ready?</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Comic Exc.</i> 'Old on a bit&mdash;I've a fly on my
+        nose.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Some of the party giggle; the photograph is
+        successfully taken, and the car proceeds.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The Driver</i>. On your left, Ladies and Gentlemen,
+        you have the Prison&mdash;the cheapest Hotel in the Island
+        for parties who intend making a protracted stay here. On
+        our right we are now passing "Paradise." You will observe
+        that someone has 'ung his 'at and coat up at the entrance,
+        not being certain of getting in. Notice the tree in
+        front&mdash;the finest specimen on the island of the good
+        old Guernsey hoak.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He keeps turning from time to time to address these
+        instructive remarks to the passengers behind him.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The Timid Lady.</i> I wish he wouldn't talk so much,
+        and look more where he is going&mdash;we're <i>much</i> too
+        near the hedge!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Driver</i> (<i>standing up, and turning his back on
+        the horses, as they trot on</i>). Ladies and Gentlemen, you
+        will all thoroughly understand that the roads in this
+        Island are narrow. Consequently, you must look after the
+        branches and briars yourselves. I've enough to do to look
+        after my 'orses, I assure you, and it looks bad to see 'ats
+        and bonnets decorating the 'edges after the car has passed.
+        (<i>Some of the Excursionists look at one another
+        uneasily.</i>) The glass-'ouses you see in such quantities,
+        are employed in the production of early grapes and tomators
+        for the London Market. This Island alone exports
+        annually&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Here the car rounds a corner rather sharply, and he
+        sits down again.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The Mild Man (with a</i> Mild Man's <i>thirst for
+        information</i>). What are those buildings over there with
+        the chimney?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Here he is conscious of being furtively prodded in
+        the back&mdash;but decides to take no notice.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Driver</i> (<i>rising as before</i>). Those
+        buildings, Ladies and Gentlemen, are Chemical works for
+        extracting iodine from seaweed. The seaweed, after being
+        dried, is then boiled, and from the ash&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Here the</i> Mild Man, <i>who has been listening
+        with much interest, is startled by receiving a folded piece
+        of paper, which it passed up to him from behind.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>to himself, as he reads the
+        message</i>). "Keep the Driver quiet. He is drunk." Good
+        Gracious! I never noticed&mdash;and yet&mdash;dear me, I
+        hope they don't expect <i>me</i> to interfere!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Timid Lady</i> (<i>to the</i> Driver). For
+        goodness sake never mind about iodine now&mdash;sit down
+        and attend to your driving, like a good man!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Driver</i>. You will thoroughly understand, my horses
+        require <i>no</i> attention. (<i>Sleepily.</i>) No
+        attention whatever. I assure you I am perfectly competent
+        to drive this car and give you information going along at
+        the same time. (<i>The car takes another corner rather
+        abruptly.</i>) Simply matter of habit. (<i>Gravely.</i>)
+        Matter'f habit!</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Serious Exc.</i> (<i>in an undertone.</i>) A very
+        <i>bad</i> habit, I'm afraid. It's really time somebody
+        else took the reins from him!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>overhearing</i>). I'm afraid they
+        mean me&mdash;I wish now I'd never touched the reins at
+        all!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Driver</i>. The Church we are now coming to, is St.
+        Martin's, built in the year eleven 'undred.</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Female Exc.</i> (<i>critically</i>). It <i>has</i>
+        got an old-fashioned look about it, certainly.</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Male Exc.</i> There's nothing to see inside of
+        these old churches. I went in one the other day, and I was
+        looking up at the rafters, and I saw a sort o' picture
+        there, and I said, "Ullo&mdash;they've been advertising
+        Pears' Soap here, or something." But when I looked again,
+        it was only an old fresco. I was so little interested I
+        walked out without tipping the Verger!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Female Exc.</i> That Church we went to on Sunday
+        evening is very old.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Comp.</i> Is it? How do you know?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The F.E.</i> Why, my dress was covered with bits of
+        fluff out of the hassock!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Driver.</i> The carved stone figure you see by the
+        gate, is supposed to be a portrait of Julius Cæsar's
+        Grandmother, and very like the old lady. (<i>The</i>
+        Excursionists <i>nearest him smile in a sickly way, to
+        avoid hurting his feelings, as the car moves on&mdash;to
+        halt once more at Icart Point.</i>) It is customary to
+        alight here and go round the point, and I can assure you,
+        Ladies and Gentlemen, the scenery is well worth your
+        inspection and will give you a little idea of what the
+        Island <i>is</i>.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Excursionists</i> (<i>taking advantage of the
+        opportunity to discuss the situation</i>). I noticed it the
+        minute I set eyes on him&mdash;he never ought to have been
+        sent out like this ... He's been to a wedding this morning,
+        so I heard, and it's upset him a little, that's all ...
+        Upset <i>him</i>&mdash;we're lucky if he doesn't upset
+        <i>us</i>. What a fidget you are! I shan't take <i>you</i>
+        into Switzerland next year, if you're like this... If
+        Switzerland's full of a lot of drunken men, I don't want to
+        go... Well, what had we better <i>do</i> about it? Perhaps
+        <i>this</i> gentleman would&mdash;Oh, no, I couldn't take
+        the responsibility, really, not without knowing the way.
+        Well, we can't <i>walk</i> back, that's certain&mdash;we
+        must trust to luck, that's all! Pretty bit of the coast you
+        get here ... Oh, don't talk about the scenery <i>now</i>,
+        when, for all we know!&mdash;&amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The car starts again, and presently arrives at a
+        winding and precipitous road leading down to Petit Bot Bay,
+        where the</i> Driver <i>again rises with his back to the
+        horses, and proceeds to address the</i> Excursionists <i>,
+        as they sit paralysed with horror.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Driver</i>. Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point I
+        shall explain the scenery. (<i>The</i> Timid Lady
+        <i>protests that she is content to leave the scenery
+        unexplained.</i>) Pardon me, this is a portion of the
+        scenery&mdash;(<i>Here his eyes close and reopen with an
+        effort</i>)&mdash;a portion of the
+        <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149"
+           id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> scenery that can only
+           be properly enjoyed coming out on one of these cars. If
+           you go out with ordinary drivers, they take you along
+           the main roads, and you come away fancying you've seen
+           the Island. Now the advantage of coming along with
+           <i>me</i>&mdash;(<i>His eyes close once
+           more&mdash;the</i> Excursionists <i>implore him to
+           attend to his team</i>.) You will thoroughly understand
+           there is not the slightest cause to apprehend any
+           danger. I've driven this car fifteen years without least
+           accident&mdash;up to <i>present</i>. So you can devote
+           your whole attention to the scenery, without needing to
+           keep an eye upon the Driver. (<i>He points to the
+           abyss</i>.) That is the <i>shortest</i> way
+           down&mdash;on this occasion, however, I shall endeavour
+           <i>not</i> to take it. (<i>He whips up his horses, and
+           accomplishes the descent at a brisk pace</i>.) There,
+           didn't I <i>tell</i> you there wouldn't be no accident?
+           Very <i>well</i>, then. P'rhaps you'll believe me
+           another time!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mild Man</i> (<i>alighting at Hotel for
+        luncheon</i>). We've had a remarkably lucky escape&mdash;I
+        never felt more thankful in my life!</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Gloomy Exc.</i> Don't you be in too great a hurry,
+        Sir! We've got to get <i>back</i>&mdash;and he's bound to
+        be worse after he's had his lunch!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> M.M.'s <i>appetite for lobster is entirely
+        destroyed by this sinister prediction; but whether the</i>
+        Driver <i>has been unjustly maligned, or whether he has
+        sobered himself in the interval&mdash;he reappears in a
+        more sedentary, and less discursive mood, and the journey
+        home proves agreeably devoid of sensation.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SIMPLE STORIES.</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        "Be always kind to animals wherever you may be."
+    </center>
+
+    <h3>RUBY AND THE ROOK.</h3>
+
+    <p>RUBY, although she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty
+    and clever girl.</p>
+
+    <p>But, like many pretty and clever little ladies, she was
+    sometimes very naughty. When she was good, she was as good as
+    gold, but when she was naughty, she was as naughty as
+    pinchbeck.</p>
+
+    <p>The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning,
+    it happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothing would
+    please her&mdash;she was cross with her governess at breakfast,
+    she quarrelled with her bread-and-milk; and even when her
+    favourite tame Rook, Cawcus, came hopping on her shoulder, she
+    refused to give it anything to eat, but hit it on the beak with
+    her spoon.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/149-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/149-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Miss DUMBELL was very much grieved at the way in which her
+    pupil lolled in her chair, gave sullen answers, and put flies
+    in the milk-jug, and pinched the cat's tail. "Mind, RUBY," said
+    Miss DUMBELL, "at eleven o'clock I shall expect you in the
+    school-room with that page of French phrases quite perfect."
+    RUBY's eyes flashed as she went out of the room; she pouted,
+    she swung her skirts, and shook her shoulders, so that even
+    Miss DUMBELL, the most patient and kindest of governesses,
+    quite longed to slap her.</p>
+
+    <p>RUBY went to the school-room; she immediately flung the
+    French phrase-book from one end of the room to the other. She
+    took some story-books, and a little basket full of apples,
+    bath-buns and "three-corners," and ran down to a little
+    plantation called the Wilderness, at the bottom of the garden.
+    She selected one of the tallest elms, and as she could climb
+    like a kitten, she was soon at the top of it, quite hidden from
+    view among the leaves.</p>
+
+    <p>"So much for old DUMMY and her French phrases!" said the
+    naughty girl, as she settled herself in a comfortable position
+    and brought out her story-book. The stable-clock had struck
+    twelve, and she heard her name called in all directions, by
+    JORGINS, the gardener, BRILLIT, the buttons, and long-suffering
+    Miss DUMBELL. They could not find her anywhere, and her Most
+    Serene Naughtiness sat screened by the leaves and shook with
+    laughter.</p>
+
+    <p>Presently "Cawcus," her pet Rook, came fluttering amid the
+    leaves, and began to caw. RUBY offered him bits of Bath bun,
+    and even a whole three-corner, in order to keep him quiet.</p>
+
+    <p>But he remembered his treatment at breakfast, and refused
+    all these bribes with scorn. He declined to be petted, he
+    continued to hover over the tree, and circle around it, giving
+    vent to the most discordant shrieks. Presently she heard the
+    clear measured tones of her Mamma's voice saying, "RUBY, come
+    down at once. I know you are up in the elm." Cawcus, whom she
+    had maltreated, had betrayed her hiding-place.</p>
+
+    <p>RUBY dared not disobey. Quite subdued, and with garments
+    grievously greened, she descended. Mamma took her little
+    daughter indoors, and improved the occasion. RUBY eventually
+    appeared, with tears in her eyes, and subsequently apologised
+    to her governess, recited the page of French phrases without a
+    mistake, and promised to be a good girl. Though she sometimes
+    forgot herself, and was rude to Miss DUMBELL afterwards, she
+    never failed to treat Cawcus the Rook with most profound
+    consideration and reverence.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO MELENDA.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Set of Verses accompanying a Photograph.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/149-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/149-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember&mdash;do you?&mdash;the remarkable sky
+            light</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That flooded the heavens one evening in
+            May,</p>
+
+            <p>How together we talked <i>tête-à-tête</i> in the
+            twilight,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When the glow of the sunset had faded
+            away.</p>
+
+            <p>Then you showed me your album. I looked at its
+            pages.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With yourself as my guide and companion
+            went through</p>
+
+            <p>Its contents&mdash;there were people of all sorts
+            and ages,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But the portrait I fancied the most
+            was&mdash;of you.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And you saw that I did. Which perhaps was the
+            reason</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of your "No!" when I asked "May I have
+            it?" You swore</p>
+
+            <p>You were going to be shot at the close of the
+            season,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And you couldn't spare that, as there
+            weren't any more.</p>
+
+            <p>But at length I prevailed, or at least you
+            relented,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">After ever so many excuses&mdash;in
+            fine</p>
+
+            <p>We agreed to a compact, you only consented</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On condition I gave you a portrait of
+            mine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, I promised, of course. And I write you these
+            verses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With your face&mdash;you'll forgive
+            me&mdash;quite close to my own.</p>
+
+            <p>There's a charm in your look that completely
+            disperses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All my cares in a way that is yours,
+            dear, alone.</p>
+
+            <p>And although I am pleased, since I won in the
+            end&mdash;a</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">More ridiculous bargain has never, I
+            vow,</p>
+
+            <p>Been arranged than a picture of pretty MELENDA,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In exchange for the photograph sent to
+            you now.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We did not meet again through some horrible
+            blunder,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which a merciless Fate must be asked to
+            explain,</p>
+
+            <p>And I sometimes sit smoking, and wearily wonder</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If I ever <i>am</i> destined to see you
+            again.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet wherever the future may possibly find you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To this final request do not answer me
+            Nay,</p>
+
+            <p>When I ask that this gift of myself may remind
+            you</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the friend who was with you that
+            evening in May.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150"
+       id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/150.png"
+             alt="BREAKING THE ICE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>BREAKING THE ICE.</h3>SCENE&mdash;<i>Public
+        Drawing-room of Hotel in the Engadine.</i>
+
+        <p><i>The Hon. Mrs. Snebbington</i> (<i>to Fair
+        Stranger</i>), "ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE SO UNSOCIABLE, AND NEVER
+        SPEAK TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION. I ALWAYS MAKE
+        A POINT OF BEING FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE STAYING AT THE SAME
+        HOTEL. ONE NEED NEVER KNOW THEM AFTERWARDS!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ADVANCING YEARS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>How it strikes a Contemporary.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Owing to advancing years, Mr. &mdash;&mdash; has been
+        compelled to resign his position as &mdash;&mdash;"
+        <i>Extract from any Daily Paper</i>."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Advancing years! It cannot be.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What, JACK, the boy I've known&mdash;God
+            bless me!</p>
+
+            <p>Why yes, it was in '43</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That first we met, and&mdash;since you
+            press me&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The time has sped without my knowledge,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That's close on fifty years ago;</p>
+
+            <p>Like some deep river's silent flow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Since JACK and I first met at
+            College.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Twas on a cloudy Autumn day.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fast fading into misty twilight;</p>
+
+            <p>The freshmen, as they trooped to pray,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Stepped bolder in the evening's shy
+            light.</p>
+
+            <p>As yet we did not break the rules</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In which the College deans immesh
+            men,</p>
+
+            <p>We fledglings from a score of schools,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That far October's brood of freshmen.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Like one who starts upon a race,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Chaplain through the service
+            scurried.</p>
+
+            <p>From prayer to prayer he sped apace;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I marked him less the more he
+            hurried.</p>
+
+            <p>My prayer-book fell&mdash;my neighbour smiled;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Reversing NEWTON with the apple,</p>
+
+            <p>I, by that neighbour's eye beguiled,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Quite lost my gravity in chapel.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And so we smiled. I see him still,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blue eyes, where darting gleams of fun
+            shine,</p>
+
+            <p>A smile like some translucent rill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That sparkles in the summer sunshine,</p>
+
+            <p>A manly mien, and unafraid,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Crisp hair, fair face, and square-set
+            shoulders,</p>
+
+            <p>That made him on the King's Parade</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cynosure of all beholders.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And from this slight irreverence,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Too small, I hope, to waste your blame
+            on,</p>
+
+            <p>We grew, in quite a Cambridge sense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A sort of PYTHIAS and DAMON.</p>
+
+            <p>Together "kept," together broke</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Laws framed by elderly Draconians,</p>
+
+            <p>And I was six, and JACK was stroke,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That famous night we bumped the
+            Johnians.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How strong he was, how fleet of foot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ye bull-dogs witness, and ye
+            Proctors;</p>
+
+            <p>How bright his jests, how aptly put</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His scorn of duns, and Dons, and
+            Doctors.</p>
+
+            <p>We laughed at care, read now and then&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though vexed by EUCLID on the same
+            bridge&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, men in those great days were men</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When JACK and I wore gowns at
+            Cambridge.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We paid our fines, we paid our fees,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And, though the Dons seemed
+            stony-hearted,</p>
+
+            <p>We both got very fair degrees,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And then, like other friends, we
+            parted.</p>
+
+            <p>And when we said good-bye at last</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I vowed through life to be his
+            brother&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>And more than forty years have passed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Since each set eyes upon the other.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And so through all these changing years</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With all their thousand changing
+            faces,</p>
+
+            <p>Their failures, hopes, successes, fears,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In half a hundred different places,</p>
+
+            <p>JACK still has been the same to me,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As bright within my memory's fair
+            book</p>
+
+            <p>As when we met in '43,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And smiled about that fallen
+            prayer-book.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah well, the moments swiftly stream</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Unheeded through the upturned
+            hour-glass;</p>
+
+            <p>I've lived my life, and dreamed my dream,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And quaffed the sweet, as now the sour
+            glass.</p>
+
+            <p>But old and spent my mind strays back</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To pleasant paths fresh-strewn with
+            roses,</p>
+
+            <p>And I would see my old friend JACK</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Once more before the curtain closes.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ANNOUNCEMENT.&mdash;The Earl of LATHOM (who, being quite six
+    feet or more, cannot be described as Small and Earl-y) is to
+    lay the foundation-stone of "The Cross Deaf and Dumb School for
+    N. and E. Lancashire." Now the Deaf and Dumb are, as a rule,
+    exceptionally cheerful and good-tempered. It is quite right,
+    therefore, that exceptions to this rule should be treated in a
+    separate establishment, and that the "Cross Deaf and Dumb" ones
+    should have a house to themselves. <i>Prosit!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A HIGHLY-POLISH'D PERFORMANCE.&mdash;HENRY IRVING as <i>Le
+    Juif Polonais</i> in <i>The Bells.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151"
+       id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/151.png"
+             alt="TUNING THE HARP." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TUNING THE HARP.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page153"
+       id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span>
+
+    <h3>A FRIEND TAKES ME FOR A QUIET DRIVE.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/153-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/153-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <table summary="caption"
+           align="center"
+           width="80%">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                width="50%">1. "Don't be alarmed, Jack&mdash;it's
+                only her way. She always does this at starting.
+                Never knew her to come over."</td>
+
+            <td align="center"
+                width="50%">2. "May as well get out. She always
+                makes me walk up here."</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/153-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/153-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <table summary="caption"
+           align="center"
+           width="80%">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                width="50%">3. "Look sharp, Jack, and get the reins
+                from under her tail or we'll have an
+                accident!"</td>
+
+            <td align="center"
+                width="50%">4. "Curious thing how she hates
+                trains!"</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/153-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/153-3.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <table summary="caption"
+           align="center"
+           width="80%">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                width="50%">5. "Better be on the look-out for a
+                soft spot, old chap!"</td>
+
+            <td align="center"
+                width="50%">6. "Now this is the second time she has
+                turned me out just here!"</td>
+
+            <td>"</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN THE MONKEY-HOUSE;</h2>
+
+    <h3><i>Or, Cage versus Club.</i></h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>PROFESSOR GARNER goes to the Gaboon</p>
+
+            <p>To garner Monkey talk; a dubious boon!</p>
+
+            <p>Stucco Philistia shows in many shapes</p>
+
+            <p>The babble of baboons, the chat of apes.</p>
+
+            <p>Why hang, Sir, up a tree, in a big cage,</p>
+
+            <p>To study Simian speech, which in our age</p>
+
+            <p>May be o'erheard on Platform or in Pub,</p>
+
+            <p>And studied 'mid the comforts of a Club?</p>
+
+            <p>And yet perchance your forest apes would shrink</p>
+
+            <p>From Smoke-room chat of apes who <i>never</i>
+            think,</p>
+
+            <p>But cackle imitatively all round,</p>
+
+            <p>Till their speech hath an automatic sound.</p>
+
+            <p>Put the dread name of GL-DST-NE in the slot</p>
+
+            <p>SMELFUNGUS calls his mouth, and rabid rot</p>
+
+            <p>Will gurgle forth in a swift sewer-like gush</p>
+
+            <p>Of coarse abuse would make a bargee blush.</p>
+
+            <p>SMELFUNGUS is a soldier, and a swell,</p>
+
+            <p>But&mdash;the Gaboon can scarce surpass
+            Pall-Mall</p>
+
+            <p>In vicious, gibbering vulgarity</p>
+
+            <p>Of coarse vituperation. Decency,</p>
+
+            <p>Courtesy, common-sense, all cast aside!</p>
+
+            <p>Pheugh! GARNER, in his cage, would open wide</p>
+
+            <p>His listening ears, did Jacko of the forest</p>
+
+            <p>So "slate" a foeman when his head was sorest.</p>
+
+            <p>Strange that to rave and rant, like scullion
+            storm,</p>
+
+            <p>Like low virago scold, should seem "good form"</p>
+
+            <p>To our Society Simians, when one name</p>
+
+            <p>Makes vulgar spite oblivious of its shame!</p>
+
+            <p>"Voluntary and deliberate," their speech,</p>
+
+            <p>"Articulate too"&mdash;those Apes! Then could they
+            teach</p>
+
+            <p>Their&mdash;say <i>descendants</i>,&mdash;much. Does
+            Club or cage</p>
+
+            <p>Hear most of rabid and unreasoned rage?</p>
+
+            <p>"Apes' manner of delivery shows" (they say)</p>
+
+            <p>"They're conscious of the meaning they'd
+            convey!"</p>
+
+            <p>Then pardon, GARNER! Apes, though found in
+            clans.</p>
+
+            <p>Are <i>not</i>, of course, political partisans.</p>
+
+            <p>Tired of the Club-room's incoherent rage,</p>
+
+            <p>One pines for the Gaboon, and GARNER's cage.</p>
+
+            <p>For what arboreal ape <i>could</i> rage and rail</p>
+
+            <p>Like him, with fierce Gladstonophobia pale,</p>
+
+            <p>That Smoke-room Simian, though without a tail!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE PICK OF THE BASKETS.</h3>
+
+    <p>The <i>Daily Graphic</i> published a specific against
+    cholera, alleged to have been invented by Doctor PICK, a
+    German. Evidently "Our pick'd man of countries." As it is
+    something to drink, and not to eat, the inventor is under no
+    necessity to be known henceforth as Dr. PICK-AND-CHEWS. His
+    remedy is to treat the <i>bacilli</i> to Rhine Wine. The result
+    of experiments has been "so much the worse for the
+    <i>bacilli</i>." Substitute for the first vowel in "grapes" the
+    third of the vowels, and it is of that the poor bacillus
+    suffers, and dies. As the poet GROSSMITH sings of the German
+    Rhine,&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i4">"<i>That</i> of the Fatherland,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">The happy Fatherland,</p>
+
+            <p>Gives the greatest pain inside."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>However, the Bacillus is an enemy, and if he can be got rid
+    of by <i>grape-shot</i>, pour it in and spare not.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW PUBLICATION.&mdash;"<i>The Dumb D.</i>" Musical Novel.
+    Companion to <i>The Silent Sea</i>, by Mrs. MACLEOD.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page154"
+       id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span>
+
+    <h2>INNS AND OUTS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. IV.&mdash;THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS.</h3>
+
+    <center>
+        "And efery time <i>he</i> gif a shoomp, <i>he</i> make de
+        winders sound."
+    </center>
+
+    <p>I do not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that
+    shades the Grand Hôtel windows. It is of the clique who insist
+    on shutting the windows that I write. Briefly speaking, the
+    inmates of the Grand Hôtel may be divided into two
+    classes&mdash;the window-openers and the window-shutters. The
+    former are all British. The same Britons who at the Club scowl
+    at a suspicion of draught, and luxuriate in an asphyxiating
+    atmosphere, band against "the foreigners" in this respect. We
+    have a national reputation to keep up. We are the nation of
+    soap, of fresh air, of condescending discontent; and when we
+    are on the Continent every one else, including the native, is
+    "a foreigner;" we carry our nationality about with us like a
+    camp-stool; we squat on it; we are jealous of it; it is a case
+    of "<i>Regardez, mais ne touchez pas!</i>"</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/154.png"
+             alt="COMMERCIAL INSTINCT." /></a>
+
+        <h4>COMMERCIAL INSTINCT.</h4>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Original Genius</i> (<i>soliloquising</i>). "Lor, it 'id
+    bin a crool Shame to miss an Opportunity like this 'ere. The
+    gov'nor oughter lemme 'ave Ten Bob on that job!"]</p>
+
+    <p>This patriotic obtrusiveness culminates in the Battle of the
+    Windows. It is an oppressive evening. The <i>Table
+    d'Hôte</i>-room is seething like a caldron; a few chosen
+    conspirators and myself open the campaign early; we "tip" ADOLF
+    "the wink." That diplomatist orders the great window to be
+    half-opened. If things go smoothly, he will gradually open out
+    other sources of ventilation. The Noah's Ark procession files
+    in&mdash;all shapes and all languages, like the repast itself;
+    DONNERWITZ, TARTARIN, SHIRTSOFF, SCAMPELINI; there is nothing
+    in common between them&mdash;save the paper collar; they would
+    hail international declarations of war to-morrow; but the sight
+    of us, and that speck of air leagues them. "<i>Mein Gott, Die
+    Engländer!</i>" coughs DONNERWITZ; "<i>Ce sont de fanatiques
+    enrhumés!</i>" hisses TARTARIN; SHIRTSOFF sneezes the sneeze of
+    All the Russias; "<i>Corpo di Bacco!</i>" cries SCAMPALINI;
+    still nothing is done; the "<i>Potage à la reine</i>,"&mdash;so
+    called from the predominance of rain-water&mdash;ebbs away in
+    the commingled smacks and gulps of the infuriated Powers;
+    "<i>Saumon du Rhin, sauce Tartare</i>" is being apportioned to
+    the knives of all nations; it is perhaps the sight of his
+    knife, from which soup only is sacred, that nerves the fuming
+    DONNERWITZ to lead the attack. "Hst!" he shouts to the
+    studiously unheeding ADOLF; "'nother bottil Pellell&mdash;ver'
+    well sare!" chirrups ADOLF reassuringly to <i>me</i>;
+    DONNERWITZ raises his knife; I fear for the consequences; he
+    brings it down with a clang on the hardened tumbler of the
+    Grand Hôtel; the timid <i>pensionnaire</i> of numberless
+    summers starts and grows pale; SHIRTSOFF looks with peremptory
+    encouragement towards the Teuton; "<i>Ach, gräsglich!</i>"
+    rattles out DONNERWITZ, and strikes again; the cobra-like
+    gutturality of that "<i>Ach</i>" is heart-rending; still no
+    ADOLF; at a gold-fraught glance from my companions, he has
+    ordered another detachment to the front; a fresh current of air
+    invades the room. DONNERWITZ's knife is now brandishing peas;
+    his offended napkin chokes him; with the yell and spring of a
+    corpulent hyena, he rises and rushes to the windows. The timid
+    <i>pensionnaire</i> and her shrinking sisterhood follow him,
+    under the misconception that he is summoning them to admire the
+    sunset; the sunset is their evening excitement, and DONNERWITZ
+    can be sentimental in his calmer moments; but no "<i>Wie
+    wunder, wunderschön!</i>" escapes him; a Saxon word, that even
+    they can understand, is on his lips; the ring on his forefinger
+    gleams luridly; bang, bang, bang; he opens fire; down go the
+    windows, and DONNERWITZ resumes his seat of war, his napkin
+    waving like a standard before him. It is now my turn; I don't
+    like it; but my co-conspirators expect me to maintain the
+    honour of our country: ADOLF cannot be trusted further; I
+    advance furtively; the eyes of Europe are upon me; one by one I
+    open them again and subside; a terrible silence supervenes.
+    What next?&mdash;that is the question!</p>
+
+    <p>But DONNERWITZ is not only a MOLTKE, he is also a BISMARCK;
+    flushed and moist with exertion, he has foreseen this move; it
+    is the hour of that inevitable "<i>Bavaroise</i>"; the fork has
+    succeeded to the knife: his mouth is at last free to
+    confabulate with his neighbour&mdash;the Lady from Chicago.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wal, I call that slap-up rude," I hear her remark. "In
+    Amur'ca we should just hev' him removed; but Englishmen are
+    built that way; they fancy, I s'pose, they discovered
+    CO-LUMBUS;" and then DONNERWITZ leans over the table and,
+    grasping the united weapons of fork, knife, and spoon,
+    addresses me with effervescent deliberation.
+    "Pardon,&mdash;Mister,&mdash;but&mdash;dis&mdash;leddy,&mdash;haf&mdash;gatarrh;
+    in a Sherman shentleman's
+    house&mdash;most&mdash;keep&mdash;first&mdash;de&mdash;leddy
+    zimmer; so!" I don't fully understand, but I feel that my
+    chivalry is impugned. My confederates, too, round upon me; "Of
+    course," they whisper, "had no idea the lady was an invalid."
+    The brutes! I stutter an apology, and "climb down;" the windows
+    are again hermetically sealed; and, as I slink away. I hear
+    "<i>Viva</i>!" "<i>Hoch</i>!" and clinking glasses. Then ADOLF
+    hurries up surreptitiously, and whispers, "Tell you vat, Sare:
+    to-morrer you shoost dine on de terass; dere, plenty breeze,
+    hein?" "Plenty breeze!"&mdash;and you pay three francs extra,
+    and catch a cold.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155"
+       id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span>
+
+    <h3>SIGH NO MORE, LOTTIE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The disinfecting process has ruined all the dresses of
+        Miss COLLINS."&mdash;<i>New York Telegram</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Sigh no more, LOTTIE, sigh no more,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Those gowns have gone for ever;</p>
+
+            <p>You've cut some capers on that shore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That you expected never;</p>
+
+            <p>Then sigh not so, but let them go,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And be you blithe and bonny,</p>
+
+            <p>Converting all your sounds of woe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To Tarara&mdash;boom&mdash;de nonny.</p>
+
+            <p>Sing that vile ditty yet once more,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And win almighty dollars</p>
+
+            <p>From Yankees who have spoilt your store</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of frocks, frills, cuffs and collars;</p>
+
+            <p>The air will run in their heads like one</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">O'clock, till it makes the same ache.</p>
+
+            <p>While on you shines prosperity's sun.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your Tarara-boom-de hay make!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>AT THE PATTENMAKERS' BANQUET.&mdash;At the Court Dinner of
+    the Pattenmakers, held at the Metropole. the eulogies of the
+    Worshipful Master, Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (now Master of
+    Horse at Drury Lane), were plentiful, and he had a considerable
+    amount of <i>patten</i> on the back from all his guests. The
+    great dish of the evening was <i>Partridge au Patten</i>, an
+    English substitute for <i>Perdrix au chou</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/155.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/155.png"
+             alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a>
+
+        <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>OUR GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (HERBERT
+        II.),<br />
+         IN HIS NEW CHARACTER OF THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE.<br />
+         (<i>With Song</i>)&mdash;"<i>Here's to the Health of the
+        Parley Mow</i>!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONNET ON CHILLON.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Where the electric light is now installed in the
+    dungeon of Bonivard.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Electric lighting, dear to modern mind,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bright in this dungeon! Switzerland, thou
+            art</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Too mad for things quite
+            <i>fin-de-siècle</i> smart!</p>
+
+            <p>Surely the trains, that rumble just behind,</p>
+
+            <p>And Vevey tramcars, in my thoughts consigned</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To even hotter place, had been enough</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To scare SAND, HUGO, SHELLEY, in a
+            huff;</p>
+
+            <p>Make BYRON cast his poem to the wind!</p>
+
+            <p>Chillon, thy prison may become a place</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With little marble tables in a row,</p>
+
+            <p>Where tourists, dressed with artless English
+            grace,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">May drink their <i>bock</i> or
+            <i>café</i> down below,</p>
+
+            <p>And foreign penknives rapidly efface</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The boasted names this light is meant to
+            show.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MUSICAL NOTE.&mdash;The most tranquillising, or even
+    somniferous melodies ever composed, must have been those
+    written by the celebrated LULLI. The first thing by LULLI was a
+    "<i>Lulliby</i>."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW WORDS TO AN OLD TUNE (AND A SYLLABLE TO
+    SPARE).&mdash;Song for the SECRETARY for
+    IRELAND:&mdash;"<i>'Tis all for good luck, quoth bould Rory
+    O'Mor-ley.</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ALL THE DIFFERENCE&mdash;between "<i>Sir</i> G.O.M." and
+    "<i>The</i> G.O.M."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>EXAMINATION PAPER FOR A PRESS CANDIDATE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>With a View to Carrying out the Suggestion of the
+    Institute of Journalists.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>1. What are the principal duties of an Editor? State what
+    you would do if you were visited by bores of the following
+    kinds:&mdash;(1), a friend; (2), an enemy; (3), a
+    proprietor.</p>
+
+    <p>2. Show how a political article may be written, saying as
+    little as possible in the greatest amount of space? Give
+    specimens of "writing round a subject" without offending
+    susceptibilities.</p>
+
+    <p>3. What are the duties of a Dramatic Critic? Show, by a
+    specimen article, how a critique of a bad play, indifferently
+    performed, can yet be made to give satisfaction to the Author,
+    the Manager, the Company, and the Public?</p>
+
+    <p>4. What are the duties of a Special Correspondent at a Seat
+    of War? Give a short descriptive article of a battle written in
+    such a manner that the readers of your paper may learn
+    everything without your getting shot as a spy, or drummed out
+    of camp as an informer.</p>
+
+    <p>5. What are the duties of a Reviewer? Describe the process
+    of log-rolling, and give specimen of notices of
+    books:&mdash;(1), when the Author is your friend, but you
+    object to the Publisher; (2), when you hate the writer, but
+    must not offend the gentleman whose name appears as the
+    distributor, and (3), when you know nothing of the volume and
+    its producer, but suspect that the Author reviews for another
+    periodical, and that you may possibly get an order from his
+    literary introducer.</p>
+
+    <p>6. What are the duties of a Musical Critic? Show how it is
+    feasible to write a most scientific notice without being able
+    to distinguish the National Anthem, MASCAGNI's
+    "<i>Intermezzo</i>," or "<i>The Wedding March</i>," from
+    "<i>The Slue Bells of Scotland</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>7. Distinguish the difference between "Our Own Commissioner"
+    and "Our Own Correspondent," and "Our Special Reporter" and "An
+    Occasional Contributor." Give the rates of remuneration (if
+    any) attaching to each office.</p>
+
+    <p>8. What is "City Intelligence?" Is it affected by the rise
+    and fall of the advertisement columns? State the difference
+    between "News Specially Communicated" and a puff paragraph.</p>
+
+    <p>9. Give the statistics (if you are able) of the number of
+    aspirants to Journalism who have risen and fallen. Show that a
+    small certainty in the City is better than an occasional
+    ten-pound note earned in Fleet Street.</p>
+
+    <p>10. Write an essay upon the subject that Journalism is
+    better as a stick than a crutch, and show that it is useless to
+    take up your pen if you have not already provided (from other
+    sources) for the payment of your butcher's book.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TO FOOTBALL.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Farewell to thee, Cricket,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thy last match is o'er;</p>
+
+            <p>Thy bat, ball, and wicket,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are needed no more.</p>
+
+            <p>To thy sister we turn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For her coming we pray:</p>
+
+            <p>Her worshippers burn</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For the heat of the fray.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Hail! Goddess of battle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yet hated of Ma(r)s,</p>
+
+            <p>How ceaseless their tattle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of tumbles and scars!</p>
+
+            <p>Such warnings are vain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For thy rites we prepare,</p>
+
+            <p>Youth is yearning again</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In thy perils to share.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Broken limbs and black eyes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">May, perchance, be our lot;</p>
+
+            <p>But grant goals and ties</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And we care not a jot.</p>
+
+            <p>Too sacred to name</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With thy posts, ball, and field,</p>
+
+            <p>There is no winter game</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To which thou canst yield.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW TRANSLATION&mdash;"VERY CHOICE ITALIAN,"&mdash;"<i>Sotto
+    voce</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, in a drunken tone of voice.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page156"
+       id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span>
+
+    <h2>AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE!</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>Being some account of the Prodigal Daughter of Drury
+    Lane.</i></h4>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.&mdash;<i>The Tea-urn of the Hunter.</i></h4>
+
+    <p>SIR JOHN HENRY NEVILLE WOODMERE was the most considerate of
+    men, and he had a very considerate family, and a large circle
+    of considerate acquaintances. He was obliging to the last
+    degree, Among those he knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of
+    gratitude (for they had furnished him with an old family
+    mansion, a stud of racers, and passes for himself and circle to
+    Paris) were AUGUSTE LE GRAND, and HENRI LE PETTITT.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/156-1.png"
+             alt="Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up." />
+        </a>Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great
+        Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming.
+    She has been well brought up, and has the finest sentiments;
+    but it is necessary that she should run away to Paris, and
+    dodge the parson. Otherwise, how could she be called <i>The
+    Prodigal Daughter</i>?"</p>
+
+    <p>Sir JOHN saw the force of this reasoning, and consented.</p>
+
+    <p>"And stay," said AUGUSTE, "we must really have a good set,
+    and you must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a
+    breakfast, and all of you must wear hunting-coats. And look
+    here, we can't do without flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open
+    windows."</p>
+
+    <p>"But," objected Sir JOHN, "if I am going a fox-hunting,
+    surely it should be in the winter or spring. And how about the
+    flowers?"</p>
+
+    <p>"You have got them from Nice," replied AUGUSTE.</p>
+
+    <p>So it was thus arranged. Sir JOHN's daughter, who was called
+    ROSE MILLWARD WOODMERE, eloped and broke her father's
+    heart.</p>
+
+    <p>"But," exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a
+    horse that was waiting for him on the lawn amongst the
+    flower-beds, "although my heart is breaking, I will show the
+    world I am a true English gentleman by starting off to head the
+    chace!"</p>
+
+    <p>And he said this out of consideration for AUGUSTE and HENRI,
+    because he knew they wanted what is technically known as a
+    Curtain. And by this means he gave them one. And a good one
+    too.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.&mdash;<i>A little Trip to Paris.</i></h4>
+
+    <p>And then Sir JOHN and all his considerate family and
+    acquaintances went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hôtel, which
+    seemed to have been surrendered to them (at convenient times)
+    for their special use. Sir JOHN was accompanied by a most
+    useful villain, who showed the depth of his depravity by
+    wearing a moustache of the deepest dye. So that this depth
+    might be better known, he called himself DEEPWATER.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sir JOHN," said this villain, "your daughter has come to
+    Paris with Captain HARRY VERNON, and you should trounce
+    him."</p>
+
+    <p>"I will," replied Sir JOHN, heartily; "but surely I have
+    seen my daughter, and my niece, and Captain HARRY BOYNE VERNON,
+    and the Hon. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD, and Lord HARRY NICHOLLS
+    BANBERRY (a comic Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress),
+    and DUDLEY J.L. SHINE ROPER, a wicked but amusing Hebrew,
+    hanging about. Cannot we meet for two minutes, and set
+    everything to-rights?"</p>
+
+    <p>"My dear Sir JOHN," returned MAURICE FERNANDEZ DEEPWATER,
+    "pray consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met
+    together for two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be
+    settled. But then I am distinctly under the impression that
+    AUGUSTE LE GRAND and HENRI LE PETTITT would be confoundedly
+    annoyed."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh," exclaimed Sir JOHN, "if you think <i>they</i> would be
+    annoyed, do not say another word about it!"</p>
+
+    <p>So the various characters gave one another a clear berth,
+    and missed each other at the nick of time.</p>
+
+    <p>But after awhile ROSE was left alone with the Hon. JULIAN
+    BELFORD.</p>
+
+    <p>"It is not very clear to me why we haven't married," said
+    he.</p>
+
+    <p>"Nor to me either!" she replied. "We dawdled a bit, and I
+    daresay put it off because what one knows can be done at any
+    moment is often not done at all."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, hadn't we better go to the British Embassy?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, yes." she replied, with some hesitation; "but I really
+    think you had better say you will marry my cousin. I fancy it
+    would please AUGUSTE and HENRI."</p>
+
+    <p>"Anything to oblige them," returned the Hon. JULIAN._</p>
+
+    <p>"That being settled, please leave me, as I have to fall in a
+    dead faint&mdash;must get an effective Curtain, you know!"</p>
+
+    <p>The HON. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD nodded his head, and then
+    ROSE MILLWARD WOODMERE fainted&mdash;with the desired
+    result.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.&mdash;<i>Cackle</i> v. <i>'Osses. The
+    Favourite wins.</i></h4>
+
+    <p>And now Sir JOHN and his considerate circle had come to
+    England, and were close to Liverpool.</p>
+
+    <p>"My dear people," said HENRI, "never mind your love-making,
+    never mind your plot, leave it to AUGUSTE, and he will pull you
+    through."</p>
+
+    <p>And HENRI was quite right. AUGUSTE went to work with a will,
+    and did pull them through. He took them to the Grand National
+    Steeple Chace, and showed them and all the world a sight the
+    like of which they had never seen before. There were real
+    horses, real touts, and a real winner. Oh, how it went! It was
+    magnificent! And, before this great race, AUGUSTE (helped by
+    HENRI this time) showed a training-stable, and how a favourite
+    can be nobbled. It didn't in the least matter why it was done,
+    or where it was done. It was a lovely sight to see somebody or
+    other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked them,
+    and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On
+    the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient
+    vigour to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane,
+    with a trot to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again,
+    perhaps to the old quarters, up to Easter.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/156-2.png"
+             alt="Oss-tentation; or, 'Giving him Beans.'" />
+             </a>Oss-tentation; or, "Giving him Beans."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE.
+    "<i>Voluptuary</i> will carry the whole of us&mdash;Authors,
+    Managers, and Actors&mdash;to victory!" And he was
+    right&mdash;<i>Voluptuary</i> did carry them to success&mdash;a
+    gigantic one.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.&mdash;<i>The Means justify the End.</i></h4>
+
+    <p>And Sir JOHN and his considerate circle acted up to their
+    principles to the very end.</p>
+
+    <p>"ROSE, come to my arms!" said he, to his child; "you have
+    been prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and
+    conciliation."</p>
+
+    <p>"Then may we marry?" asked the Hon. JULIAN.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly!" was the reply.</p>
+
+    <p>And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted
+    for.</p>
+
+    <p>"Are you contented?" asked Sir JOHN, of AUGUSTE and
+    HENRI.</p>
+
+    <p>"How does it end?" was the answer, taking the shape of a
+    question.</p>
+
+    <p>"Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the
+    Public generally."</p>
+
+    <p>And AUGUSTE, HENRI, <i>Box</i> and <i>Cox</i>, and in fact
+    everybody who was anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they
+    should be.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p><font size="+1">&#9758;</font> NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+    Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+    Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+    returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+    Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+    exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 15439-h.txt or 15439-h.zip *******</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1741 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+October 1, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 22, 2005  [eBook #15439]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 15439-h.htm or 15439-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/4/3/15439/15439-h/15439-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/4/3/15439/15439-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 103
+
+OCTOBER 1, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"STUMPED!"
+
+(_A WOULD-BE LAUDATORY ODE. BY JINGLE JUNIOR._)
+
+    [The young Indian Gentleman, Mr. H. RANJITSINHJI, has "secured
+    his century" at Cricket no less than eleven times this
+    season.]
+
+  O H.S. RANJIT--(spelling a wild venture is!)
+  Wielder of willow, runner-up of "centuries"!
+  What's in a name? A name like RANJITSIN--
+  (_Can't_ finish it, was foolish to begin!)
+  How many miles was it you ran, O RAN--
+  (Bowled out again. Am sorry I began!)
+  In running out those hundreds, RANJITSINGHJ--
+  (A man were a patched fool, a perfect ninny,
+  Who'd try to spell that name, Ask _Bully Bottom!_)
+  With such a name to carry, how you got 'em,
+  O RANJ--(that sounds like Orange!)--those same "notches"
+  Is quite a wonder. Were they "bowls" or "cotches"
+  That got you out at last, those times eleven?
+  (Where is GRACE now? He has not scored _one_ even,
+  This season, though as close as ninety-nine to it.)
+  Applause has greeted you; let me add mine to it,
+  O RAN-JIT-SIN-HJI! (Those last three letters
+  What _do_ they spell?) Orthography's cold fetters
+  Shan't chill my admiration, smart young Hindoo!
+  Say, did you smite a sixer through a window,
+  Like Slogger THORNTON in _his_ boyish prime,
+  O RANJITSINHJI? Got it this time!
+  That is, it _spelt_ all right. E'en admiration
+  Shan't tempt me to attempt _pronunciation_!
+  Eleven centuries we to Indian skill owe!
+  Will the East lick the West at its own "Willow?"
+  Here's luck to India and young RAN--Och, murther!
+  RAN-JIT-SIN-SIN--How's that! _Out_? Can't get further!
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OH NO, WE NEVER MENTION IT."--The KENDALS have got a Play by a young
+American Author with the very uncompromising name of DAM. He, or his
+Play, may be Dam good, or just the reverse: still, if he does turn out
+to be the "big, big D," then all the Dam family, such as Amsterdam,
+Rotterdam, Schiedam, and so forth, will be real proud of him. Future
+Dams will revere him as their worthy ancestral sire, and American
+Dam may become naturalised among us (we have a lot of English ones
+quite a _specialite_ in that line, so the French say), and become
+Dam-nationalised. What fame if the piece is successful, and DAM is
+on every tongue! So will it be too, if unsuccessful. Englishmen will
+welcome the new American playright with the name unmentionable to
+ears polite, and will recognise in him, as _the_ Dam _par excellence_,
+their brother, as one of the uncommon descendants of A-DAM. By the
+way, the appropriate night for its production would be Christmas
+Eve. Fancy the cries all over the House, calling for the successful
+Author!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE.
+
+"COME UNDER THE UMBRELLA, JACK, IT'S BEGUN TO RAIN, AND YOU'LL CATCH
+COLD, AND MAMMA'LL BE VEXED!"
+
+"POOH! AS IF SALT WATER EVER GAVE ONE COLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PUNSCH"
+
+(_IN THE READING-ROOM OF THE BERNERHOF._)
+
+  Although thy name is wrongly spelt
+  Upon thy case, what joy I felt
+  To find a place where thou hast dwelt,
+            My Punsch!
+
+  Yet wit and wisdom, even thine,
+  Can't wake up Berne, where folks supine
+  All go to bed at half-past nine,
+            My Punsch!
+
+  What art or jokes could entertain,
+  Such sleepy people? True, they feign
+  It's later, for they say "_halb zehn_,"
+            My Punsch!
+
+  My German "_Punsch_," what gender thine?
+  They who accept, likewise decline,
+  "_Das Weib_" might feminine assign--
+            Die Punsch!
+
+  No matter which, if I behold
+  Thy pages, worth their weight in gold--
+  It's true they're more than three weeks old,
+            My Punsch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ODD FELLOW OUT.--The Church-breaking thief (_vide_ the _Standard's_
+provincial news) who was arrested at Oswestry (fitting that a
+Church-thief should have been arrested by Os-Westry-men--which sounds
+like a body of mounted ecclesiastical police), explained that he was
+a "monumental mason of Dublin." Perhaps the Jury will find him
+monu-mentally deranged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEALTH AND HOPPINESS.
+
+    [It is reported that the latest move is for ladies to combine
+    profit and pleasure by going "hopping."]
+
+  Fair Woman longs for novelty,
+    Her daily task is apt to cloy her,
+  The pastimes that were wont to be
+    Diverting now do but annoy her.
+  The common joys of life are spent
+    So tired of tennis, shooting, shopping,
+  She turns in her despair to Kent,
+    And tries her 'prentice hand at hopping.
+
+  Now girls whom you would scarce believe
+    Would not turn up their nose at soiling
+  Their dainty hands, to dewy eve
+    From early morn keep ever toiling.
+  There's ETHEL of the golden hair
+    Who flutters through existence gaily
+  (Her father is a millionnaire),
+    Hops hard and does her twelve hours daily.
+
+  Then pretty MAUD, with laughing eyes,
+    Who hardly knew what daily wage meant,
+  To everybody's great surprise
+    Proceeds to cut this, that engagement.
+  Amid the vines she daily goes,
+    And picks till weary fingers tingle,
+  The sweetest music now she knows
+    Is hearing hard-earned sovereigns jingle.
+
+  This latest move, it's very true,
+    Appears to be a rather rum thing,
+  But yet for idle hands to do
+    We know that Someone will find something.
+  Will fashionable hopping last?
+    Well, this it's safe to lay your cash on,
+  Before another year has passed
+    There'll be another female fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIVE LA RAIN DU BALLET A L'ALHAMBRA!--"Certainly," says MR. JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD, "Ve've la rain. It comes pouring down on the stage, and
+the people come pouring in to see it. I suppose," says he, "they'll
+now call me 'The Wetter'un?" The ballet is very effective, not a drop
+too much, and "not a drop in the business" in front of the house,
+though there is, as is evident, on the stage. If Manager JOHN liked
+to quote SHAKSPEARE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might
+say, "With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it raineth
+every night!" For some time to come this show will be the raining
+favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the _Sheffield Telegraph_,
+describing the alterations and improvements in front at the Alhambra,
+wrote--"The ceiling has been bevelled with porous plasters so as to
+hide the girders." We know that hand:--it's Our "Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM,"
+and she "comes from Sheffield." However, "porous plasters" would be
+another attraction at the Alhambra, or anywhere, as they certainly
+ought to _draw_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+Unlucky Leicester was even more unlucky than usual--and when the big
+race was run last Wednesday, so thick was the rain, that the horses
+could only be seen for the last half mile! Of course this made all
+the difference to the horse I selected--_Windgall_--who finished
+second;--as he only gives his _best_ performances _in public_, and
+as he doubtless _knew he couldn't be seen_, he thought it was only a
+private trial until he got close home, when his gallant effort was too
+late to be of any use!--at least, this is how _I_ read the result of
+the race, and who can know more about a horse than the racing-prophet,
+I should like to know?
+
+I was told by Sir WALTER GREENINGTON, that the public "tumbled over
+each other" to back _Breach_, but I must say I didn't notice anything
+of the sort, and it was not the kind of day anyone would choose for
+a roll on the turf, the state of which was detrimental to any kind of
+_Breach_!--The believers in "coincidences"--(of which I need hardly
+say _I_ am one--a coincidence being a truly feminine reason for
+backing a horse)--had no option but to back the winner, _Rusticus_;
+as he drew the same berth he occupied in last year's race, which he
+alsop--(I mean also)--won for Mr. HAMAR BASS!--_Stuart_ was a great
+eleventh hour tip--(why _eleventh_ hour I wonder?--more than any
+other--and who fixes the precise moment when the _eleventh_ hour
+commences?)--but history tells us the STUARTS were mostly unreliable;
+and though I am told he ran a "great horse"--I thought him rather on
+the small side myself!
+
+I hear that Mr. LEONARD BOYNE has received a "licence to ride" from
+the Jockey Club, and that his ambition is to ride the winner of the
+"Grand National"--to which end he has started "schooling" a well-known
+chaser over the private training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to
+Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS--if he hopes to escape observation by training
+at night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the evening, I
+went to witness this "new departure" in training, I found most of the
+London racing-touts present, with the inevitable field-glasses!
+
+Next week sees us once more at our beloved Newmarket First
+October--(this is a Jockey-Club joke, as the meeting _always_ takes
+place in _September_! But what does a little paradox of this kind
+matter to such an _August_ body!)--and I shall append my selection
+for the most important race of Wednesday, but I also wish to give a
+hint to the "Worldly Wise" not to miss the October Handicap, or the
+match, for which _Buccaneer_ will be favourite at the "fall of the
+flag!"--(The flag may _fall_, but such a _Buccaneer_ as this is will
+never "strike his flag" I feel sure!) Being absolutely overloaded
+with prophecy, I must also have a word to say on the Rutland
+Plate, which aristocratically-named race could only be won by the
+aristocratically-named _Buckingham_!--Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.
+
+GREAT-EASTERN RAILWAY HANDICAP SELECTION:--
+
+  Though good his chance to win the prize,
+    "Lord HENRY" soon detected,
+  That greatest danger would arise,
+    From Colonel NORTH's "_Selected._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES."
+
+"On July 4th, Lieutenant PEARY, in his great sledge journey, commenced
+on May 15th last, in Greenland, came on a glacier which he named The
+Academy Glacier."--_Times_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SWORD AND PEN.
+
+A FABLE.
+
+(_TRANSLATED FROM THE RUSSO-FRENCH._)
+
+Pen was a busy personage. He was flying from place to place, and
+had much importance. He was pompous and mysterious, and puzzled many
+people. Pen was accompanied by a sheet of paper that he called Treaty.
+Pen took Treaty everywhere. To Russia, to France, to Rome, and to
+Turkey. No one knew exactly what Treaty was like. Pen said he was
+satisfied with Treaty, and as Pen and Treaty were such constant
+companions, Pen's word on the subject was accepted as authentic.
+
+But one fine day there was a breeze, and Treaty was blown away by the
+wind.
+
+"Can I not assist?" asked Pen. "Things seem to have gone wrong."
+
+"No, thanks," replied Sword, grimly; "when it comes to close quarters,
+we find ink not quite so useful as gunpowder!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR AN OUTSIDE ADVERTISEMENT TO BE DISPLAYED AT THE DOOR OF
+THE STRAND THEATER.--"_Niobe_ all tiers" (full).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIEF INTERVIEW.
+
+"And," asked our deferential Interviewer, "what did your Lordship
+reply to the deputation about Uganda?"
+
+Lord ROSEBERY at once answered, "I said little, but I--"
+
+"_Ment-more_," interrupted the Private Secretary, sticking a label on
+his Lordship's travelling bag.
+
+"Quite so," said Lord ROSEBERY, and off he went.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAD FOR WOULD-BE "ENGLISH WIVES"--It is reported that "Yankee Girls
+and American Belles were the feature of the Miscellaneous Market."
+This should put our young men on their mettle--tin, of course, for
+choice. No reasonable offer refused.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HOW IT'S DONE!"
+
+(_Hard on Sketchley, who was there at the time and in the thick of it,
+and has just had his Picture photographed._)
+
+"OH! MR. SKETCHLEY, HOW CLEVER OF YOU TO PAINT SUCH A LARGE PICTURE
+FROM SUCH A SMALL PHOTOGRAPH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAYS OF MODERN HOME.
+
+NO. V.--MY BUTTONS!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  It wasn't that he blacked the plate
+    And rouged the boots, and breathed, half-choking,
+  Half-snorting, when he leaned to wait;
+    Although these habits _are_ provoking.
+
+  It wasn't that he sang his fill,
+    Although his mouth with food was giving;
+  This latter, as a feat of skill,
+    Might have procured the lad a living.
+
+  It wasn't that he'd purchase hosts
+    Of squibs and sweets to mess the pantry;
+  That horrid boy, and broomstick-ghosts
+    On timid JANE would oft, and ANN try.
+
+  These petty peccadilloes might
+    Have all improved with careful training.--
+  It was his shameless appetite
+    That gave us cause for most complaining.
+
+  He swilled and stuffed as never mere
+    Adult voracity can own to;
+  He was a "growing boy," I fear;
+    I wonder much what he has grown to!
+
+  He wore away our forks and spoons
+    With hard, incessant gormandizing;
+  The Baker's, and, for some blue moons,
+    The Milkman's bill were quite surprising.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  He cost us more in Butcher's meat
+    And Grocer's tea, and things from Cutlers,
+  He cost, I solemnly repeat,
+    Far more than two or three big Butlers.
+
+  And thus his fat increased until't
+    Became a show that sight bewilders;
+  We trembled for our mansion built,
+    You see, by noted Jerry-builders.
+
+  At length (you'll scarce the fact believe)
+    One evening, as we sat at dinner,
+  And strove our senses to deceive
+    By just imagining him thinner;
+
+  We heard a crack, a burst, a groan,
+    We felt a broadside round us battered,
+  We _saw_ his buttons fiercely blown
+    About our heads, and piecemeal scattered!
+
+  The suit had split; the boy was bare
+    Of clothes designed to last for ages;
+  We gave him notice then and there--
+    This _volume_, so to speak, of pages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG TO BE SUNG IN HAYMARKET ORCHESTRA DURING OVERTURE.--"Oh, why
+should we wait till to-morrow? See _Queen of Manoa_ to-night!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A GUERNSEY EXCURSION CAR.
+
+    _The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with Excursionists
+    on pleasure bent, is toiling up the steep streets of St. Peter
+    Port, when it comes to a sudden halt._
+
+[Illustration: "Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey
+expression."]
+
+_Excursionists_ (_impatiently_). Now then, what's this? What are we
+stopping here for?
+
+_The Driver_. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will thoroughly understand
+that it is customary for the car to stop here, in order that the
+party may be photographed, thus providing an agreeable souvenir of
+the trip, and a useful means of identification at Scotland Yard. (_A
+Photographer appears in the road with a camera, and the party prepare
+themselves for perpetuation in a pleased flutter_.) P'raps, Sir--(_to
+a Mild Man on the box-seat_)--you'd like to be taken 'andling the
+ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do.
+
+    [_The Mild Man accepts the reins, and endeavours to assume a
+    knowing and horsey expression._
+
+_A Timid Lady_ (_behind_). I _do_ hope no Gentleman will take the
+reins, unless he is thoroughly accustomed to driving four-in-hand.
+Suppose they took it into their heads to run away suddenly!
+
+_Driver_ (_solemnly_). Don't you alarm yourself about that, Ma'am, in
+the very slightest degree. These 'osses take that pride in themselves,
+they'd stop here all day rather than spoil their own likenesses!
+
+    [_The M.M. intimates that he is no novice in the art of
+    driving, which is fairly true as regards a pony-trap--and the
+    fears of the_ T.L. _are allayed._
+
+_Photographer_. Now, steady all, please, those at the further ends of
+the seats stand up so as to come into the picture, a little more to
+the right, please, the gentleman in the straw 'at, turn your 'ead a
+trifle more towards the camera, the lady in the pink shirt,--that's
+better. Better take off your spectacles, Sir. Now then--are you ready?
+
+_A Comic Exc._ 'Old on a bit--I've a fly on my nose.
+
+    [_Some of the party giggle; the photograph is successfully
+    taken, and the car proceeds._
+
+_The Driver_. On your left, Ladies and Gentlemen, you have the
+Prison--the cheapest Hotel in the Island for parties who intend making
+a protracted stay here. On our right we are now passing "Paradise."
+You will observe that someone has 'ung his 'at and coat up at
+the entrance, not being certain of getting in. Notice the tree in
+front--the finest specimen on the island of the good old Guernsey
+hoak.
+
+    [_He keeps turning from time to time to address these
+    instructive remarks to the passengers behind him._
+
+_The Timid Lady._ I wish he wouldn't talk so much, and look more where
+he is going--we're _much_ too near the hedge!
+
+_Driver_ (_standing up, and turning his back on the horses, as they
+trot on_). Ladies and Gentlemen, you will all thoroughly understand
+that the roads in this Island are narrow. Consequently, you must look
+after the branches and briars yourselves. I've enough to do to look
+after my 'orses, I assure you, and it looks bad to see 'ats and
+bonnets decorating the 'edges after the car has passed. (_Some of the
+Excursionists look at one another uneasily._) The glass-'ouses you see
+in such quantities, are employed in the production of early grapes and
+tomators for the London Market. This Island alone exports annually--
+
+    [_Here the car rounds a corner rather sharply, and he sits
+    down again._
+
+_The Mild Man (with a Mild Man's thirst for information_). What are
+those buildings over there with the chimney?
+
+    [_Here he is conscious of being furtively prodded in the
+    back--but decides to take no notice._
+
+_Driver_ (_rising as before_). Those buildings, Ladies and Gentlemen,
+are Chemical works for extracting iodine from seaweed. The seaweed,
+after being dried, is then boiled, and from the ash--
+
+    [_Here the Mild Man, who has been listening with much
+    interest, is startled by receiving a folded piece of paper,
+    which it passed up to him from behind._
+
+_The M.M._ (_to himself, as he reads the message_). "Keep the Driver
+quiet. He is drunk." Good Gracious! I never noticed--and yet--dear me,
+I hope they don't expect _me_ to interfere!
+
+_The Timid Lady_ (_to the Driver_). For goodness sake never mind about
+iodine now--sit down and attend to your driving, like a good man!
+
+_Driver_. You will thoroughly understand, my horses require _no_
+attention. (_Sleepily._) No attention whatever. I assure you I am
+perfectly competent to drive this car and give you information
+going along at the same time. (_The car takes another corner rather
+abruptly._) Simply matter of habit. (_Gravely._) Matter'f habit!
+
+_A Serious Exc._ (_in an undertone._) A very _bad_ habit, I'm afraid.
+It's really time somebody else took the reins from him!
+
+_The M.M._ (_overhearing_). I'm afraid they mean me--I wish now I'd
+never touched the reins at all!
+
+_Driver_. The Church we are now coming to, is St. Martin's, built in
+the year eleven 'undred.
+
+_A Female Exc._ (_critically_). It _has_ got an old-fashioned look
+about it, certainly.
+
+_A Male Exc._ There's nothing to see inside of these old churches. I
+went in one the other day, and I was looking up at the rafters, and
+I saw a sort o' picture there, and I said, "Ullo--they've been
+advertising Pears' Soap here, or something." But when I looked again,
+it was only an old fresco. I was so little interested I walked out
+without tipping the Verger!
+
+_The Female Exc._ That Church we went to on Sunday evening is very
+old.
+
+_Her Comp._ Is it? How do you know?
+
+_The F.E._ Why, my dress was covered with bits of fluff out of the
+hassock!
+
+_Driver._ The carved stone figure you see by the gate, is supposed
+to be a portrait of Julius Caesar's Grandmother, and very like the
+old lady. (_The Excursionists nearest him smile in a sickly way, to
+avoid hurting his feelings, as the car moves on--to halt once more at
+Icart Point._) It is customary to alight here and go round the point,
+and I can assure you, Ladies and Gentlemen, the scenery is well worth
+your inspection and will give you a little idea of what the Island
+_is_.
+
+_Excursionists_ (_taking advantage of the opportunity to discuss the
+situation_). I noticed it the minute I set eyes on him--he never
+ought to have been sent out like this ... He's been to a wedding this
+morning, so I heard, and it's upset him a little, that's all ... Upset
+_him_--we're lucky if he doesn't upset _us_. What a fidget you are! I
+shan't take _you_ into Switzerland next year, if you're like this...
+If Switzerland's full of a lot of drunken men, I don't want to go...
+Well, what had we better _do_ about it? Perhaps _this_ gentleman
+would--Oh, no, I couldn't take the responsibility, really, not without
+knowing the way. Well, we can't _walk_ back, that's certain--we must
+trust to luck, that's all! Pretty bit of the coast you get here ...
+Oh, don't talk about the scenery _now_, when, for all we know!--&c.,
+&c.
+
+    [_The car starts again, and presently arrives at a winding
+    and precipitous road leading down to Petit Bot Bay, where the
+    Driver again rises with his back to the horses, and proceeds
+    to address the Excursionists, as they sit paralysed with
+    horror._
+
+_Driver_. Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point I shall explain the
+scenery. (_The Timid Lady protests that she is content to leave
+the scenery unexplained._) Pardon me, this is a portion of the
+scenery--(_Here his eyes close and reopen with an effort_)--a portion
+of the scenery that can only be properly enjoyed coming out on one of
+these cars. If you go out with ordinary drivers, they take you along
+the main roads, and you come away fancying you've seen the Island.
+Now the advantage of coming along with _me_--(_His eyes close once
+more--the Excursionists implore him to attend to his team_.) You will
+thoroughly understand there is not the slightest cause to apprehend
+any danger. I've driven this car fifteen years without least
+accident--up to _present_. So you can devote your whole attention
+to the scenery, without needing to keep an eye upon the Driver.
+(_He points to the abyss_.) That is the _shortest_ way down--on this
+occasion, however, I shall endeavour _not_ to take it. (_He whips up
+his horses, and accomplishes the descent at a brisk pace_.) There,
+didn't I _tell_ you there wouldn't be no accident? Very _well_, then.
+P'rhaps you'll believe me another time!
+
+_Mild Man_ (_alighting at Hotel for luncheon_). We've had a remarkably
+lucky escape--I never felt more thankful in my life!
+
+_A Gloomy Exc._ Don't you be in too great a hurry, Sir! We've got to
+get _back_--and he's bound to be worse after he's had his lunch!
+
+    [_The M.M.'s appetite for lobster is entirely destroyed by
+    this sinister prediction; but whether the Driver has been
+    unjustly maligned, or whether he has sobered himself in
+    the interval--he reappears in a more sedentary, and less
+    discursive mood, and the journey home proves agreeably devoid
+    of sensation._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIMPLE STORIES.
+
+"Be always kind to animals wherever you may be."
+
+RUBY AND THE ROOK.
+
+RUBY, although she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty and clever
+girl.
+
+But, like many pretty and clever little ladies, she was sometimes very
+naughty. When she was good, she was as good as gold, but when she was
+naughty, she was as naughty as pinchbeck.
+
+The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning, it
+happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothing would please
+her--she was cross with her governess at breakfast, she quarrelled
+with her bread-and-milk; and even when her favourite tame Rook,
+Cawcus, came hopping on her shoulder, she refused to give it anything
+to eat, but hit it on the beak with her spoon.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Miss DUMBELL was very much grieved at the way in which her pupil
+lolled in her chair, gave sullen answers, and put flies in the
+milk-jug, and pinched the cat's tail. "Mind, RUBY," said Miss DUMBELL,
+"at eleven o'clock I shall expect you in the school-room with that
+page of French phrases quite perfect." RUBY's eyes flashed as she
+went out of the room; she pouted, she swung her skirts, and shook her
+shoulders, so that even Miss DUMBELL, the most patient and kindest of
+governesses, quite longed to slap her.
+
+RUBY went to the school-room; she immediately flung the French
+phrase-book from one end of the room to the other. She took some
+story-books, and a little basket full of apples, bath-buns and
+"three-corners," and ran down to a little plantation called the
+Wilderness, at the bottom of the garden. She selected one of the
+tallest elms, and as she could climb like a kitten, she was soon at
+the top of it, quite hidden from view among the leaves.
+
+"So much for old DUMMY and her French phrases!" said the naughty girl,
+as she settled herself in a comfortable position and brought out her
+story-book. The stable-clock had struck twelve, and she heard her
+name called in all directions, by JORGINS, the gardener, BRILLIT,
+the buttons, and long-suffering Miss DUMBELL. They could not find her
+anywhere, and her Most Serene Naughtiness sat screened by the leaves
+and shook with laughter.
+
+Presently "Cawcus," her pet Rook, came fluttering amid the leaves,
+and began to caw. RUBY offered him bits of Bath bun, and even a whole
+three-corner, in order to keep him quiet.
+
+But he remembered his treatment at breakfast, and refused all
+these bribes with scorn. He declined to be petted, he continued to
+hover over the tree, and circle around it, giving vent to the most
+discordant shrieks. Presently she heard the clear measured tones of
+her Mamma's voice saying, "RUBY, come down at once. I know you are
+up in the elm." Cawcus, whom she had maltreated, had betrayed her
+hiding-place.
+
+RUBY dared not disobey. Quite subdued, and with garments grievously
+greened, she descended. Mamma took her little daughter indoors, and
+improved the occasion. RUBY eventually appeared, with tears in her
+eyes, and subsequently apologised to her governess, recited the page
+of French phrases without a mistake, and promised to be a good girl.
+Though she sometimes forgot herself, and was rude to Miss DUMBELL
+afterwards, she never failed to treat Cawcus the Rook with most
+profound consideration and reverence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MELENDA.
+
+(_A SET OF VERSES ACCOMPANYING A PHOTOGRAPH._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I remember--do you?--the remarkable sky light
+    That flooded the heavens one evening in May,
+  How together we talked _tete-a-tete_ in the twilight,
+    When the glow of the sunset had faded away.
+  Then you showed me your album. I looked at its pages.
+    With yourself as my guide and companion went through
+  Its contents--there were people of all sorts and ages,
+    But the portrait I fancied the most was--of you.
+
+  And you saw that I did. Which perhaps was the reason
+    Of your "No!" when I asked "May I have it?" You swore
+  You were going to be shot at the close of the season,
+    And you couldn't spare that, as there weren't any more.
+  But at length I prevailed, or at least you relented,
+    After ever so many excuses--in fine
+  We agreed to a compact, you only consented
+    On condition I gave you a portrait of mine.
+
+  Well, I promised, of course. And I write you these verses
+    With your face--you'll forgive me--quite close to my own.
+  There's a charm in your look that completely disperses
+    All my cares in a way that is yours, dear, alone.
+  And although I am pleased, since I won in the end--a
+    More ridiculous bargain has never, I vow,
+  Been arranged than a picture of pretty MELENDA,
+    In exchange for the photograph sent to you now.
+
+  We did not meet again through some horrible blunder,
+    Which a merciless Fate must be asked to explain,
+  And I sometimes sit smoking, and wearily wonder
+    If I ever _am_ destined to see you again.
+  Yet wherever the future may possibly find you,
+    To this final request do not answer me Nay,
+  When I ask that this gift of myself may remind you
+    Of the friend who was with you that evening in May.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE.
+
+SCENE--_Public Drawing-room of Hotel in the Engadine._
+
+_The Hon. Mrs. Snebbington_ (_to Fair Stranger_), "ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE
+SO UNSOCIABLE, AND NEVER SPEAK TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION.
+I ALWAYS MAKE A POINT OF BEING FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE STAYING AT THE
+SAME HOTEL. ONE NEED NEVER KNOW THEM AFTERWARDS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVANCING YEARS.
+
+(_HOW IT STRIKES A CONTEMPORARY._)
+
+    ["Owing to advancing years, Mr. ---- has been compelled to
+    resign his position as ----" _Extract from any Daily Paper_."]
+
+  Advancing years! It cannot be.
+    What, JACK, the boy I've known--God bless me!
+  Why yes, it was in '43
+    That first we met, and--since you press me--
+  The time has sped without my knowledge,
+    That's close on fifty years ago;
+  Like some deep river's silent flow,
+    Since JACK and I first met at College.
+
+  'Twas on a cloudy Autumn day.
+    Fast fading into misty twilight;
+  The freshmen, as they trooped to pray,
+    Stepped bolder in the evening's shy light.
+  As yet we did not break the rules
+    In which the College deans immesh men,
+  We fledglings from a score of schools,
+    That far October's brood of freshmen.
+
+  Like one who starts upon a race,
+    The Chaplain through the service scurried.
+  From prayer to prayer he sped apace;
+    I marked him less the more he hurried.
+  My prayer-book fell--my neighbour smiled;
+    Reversing NEWTON with the apple,
+  I, by that neighbour's eye beguiled,
+    Quite lost my gravity in chapel.
+
+  And so we smiled. I see him still,
+    Blue eyes, where darting gleams of fun shine,
+  A smile like some translucent rill
+    That sparkles in the summer sunshine,
+  A manly mien, and unafraid,
+    Crisp hair, fair face, and square-set shoulders,
+  That made him on the King's Parade
+    The cynosure of all beholders.
+
+  And from this slight irreverence,
+    Too small, I hope, to waste your blame on,
+  We grew, in quite a Cambridge sense,
+    A sort of PYTHIAS and DAMON.
+  Together "kept," together broke
+    Laws framed by elderly Draconians,
+  And I was six, and JACK was stroke,
+    That famous night we bumped the Johnians.
+
+  How strong he was, how fleet of foot,
+    Ye bull-dogs witness, and ye Proctors;
+  How bright his jests, how aptly put
+    His scorn of duns, and Dons, and Doctors.
+  We laughed at care, read now and then--
+    Though vexed by EUCLID on the same bridge--
+  Ah, men in those great days were men
+    When JACK and I wore gowns at Cambridge.
+
+  We paid our fines, we paid our fees,
+    And, though the Dons seemed stony-hearted,
+  We both got very fair degrees,
+    And then, like other friends, we parted.
+  And when we said good-bye at last
+    I vowed through life to be his brother--
+  And more than forty years have passed
+    Since each set eyes upon the other.
+
+  And so through all these changing years
+    With all their thousand changing faces,
+  Their failures, hopes, successes, fears,
+    In half a hundred different places,
+  JACK still has been the same to me,
+    As bright within my memory's fair book
+  As when we met in '43,
+    And smiled about that fallen prayer-book.
+
+  Ah well, the moments swiftly stream
+    Unheeded through the upturned hour-glass;
+  I've lived my life, and dreamed my dream,
+    And quaffed the sweet, as now the sour glass.
+  But old and spent my mind strays back
+    To pleasant paths fresh-strewn with roses,
+  And I would see my old friend JACK
+    Once more before the curtain closes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANNOUNCEMENT.--The Earl of LATHOM (who, being quite six feet or
+more, cannot be described as Small and Earl-y) is to lay the
+foundation-stone of "The Cross Deaf and Dumb School for N. and E.
+Lancashire." Now the Deaf and Dumb are, as a rule, exceptionally
+cheerful and good-tempered. It is quite right, therefore, that
+exceptions to this rule should be treated in a separate establishment,
+and that the "Cross Deaf and Dumb" ones should have a house to
+themselves. _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HIGHLY-POLISH'D PERFORMANCE.--HENRY IRVING as _Le Juif Polonais_ in
+_The Bells._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TUNING THE HARP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FRIEND TAKES ME FOR A QUIET DRIVE.
+
+[Illustration: 1. "Don't be alarmed, Jack--it's only her way. She
+always does this at starting. Never knew her to come over."]
+
+[Illustration: 2. "May as well get out. She always makes me walk up
+here."]
+
+[Illustration: 3. "Look sharp, Jack, and get the reins from under her
+tail or we'll have an accident!"]
+
+[Illustration: 4. "Curious thing how she hates trains!"]
+
+[Illustration: 5. "Better be on the look-out for a soft spot, old
+chap!"]
+
+[Illustration: 6. "Now this is the second time she has turned me out
+just here!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE MONKEY-HOUSE;
+
+_OR, CAGE VERSUS CLUB._
+
+  PROFESSOR GARNER goes to the Gaboon
+  To garner Monkey talk; a dubious boon!
+  Stucco Philistia shows in many shapes
+  The babble of baboons, the chat of apes.
+  Why hang, Sir, up a tree, in a big cage,
+  To study Simian speech, which in our age
+  May be o'erheard on Platform or in Pub,
+  And studied 'mid the comforts of a Club?
+  And yet perchance your forest apes would shrink
+  From Smoke-room chat of apes who _never_ think,
+  But cackle imitatively all round,
+  Till their speech hath an automatic sound.
+  Put the dread name of GL-DST-NE in the slot
+  SMELFUNGUS calls his mouth, and rabid rot
+  Will gurgle forth in a swift sewer-like gush
+  Of coarse abuse would make a bargee blush.
+  SMELFUNGUS is a soldier, and a swell,
+  But--the Gaboon can scarce surpass Pall-Mall
+  In vicious, gibbering vulgarity
+  Of coarse vituperation. Decency,
+  Courtesy, common-sense, all cast aside!
+  Pheugh! GARNER, in his cage, would open wide
+  His listening ears, did Jacko of the forest
+  So "slate" a foeman when his head was sorest.
+  Strange that to rave and rant, like scullion storm,
+  Like low virago scold, should seem "good form"
+  To our Society Simians, when one name
+  Makes vulgar spite oblivious of its shame!
+  "Voluntary and deliberate," their speech,
+  "Articulate too"--those Apes! Then could they teach
+  Their--say _descendants_,--much. Does Club or cage
+  Hear most of rabid and unreasoned rage?
+  "Apes' manner of delivery shows" (they say)
+  "They're conscious of the meaning they'd convey!"
+  Then pardon, GARNER! Apes, though found in clans.
+  Are _not_, of course, political partisans.
+  Tired of the Club-room's incoherent rage,
+  One pines for the Gaboon, and GARNER's cage.
+  For what arboreal ape _could_ rage and rail
+  Like him, with fierce Gladstonophobia pale,
+  That Smoke-room Simian, though without a tail!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE BASKETS.
+
+The _Daily Graphic_ published a specific against cholera, alleged to
+have been invented by Doctor PICK, a German. Evidently "Our pick'd
+man of countries." As it is something to drink, and not to eat,
+the inventor is under no necessity to be known henceforth as Dr.
+PICK-AND-CHEWS. His remedy is to treat the _bacilli_ to Rhine
+Wine. The result of experiments has been "so much the worse for the
+_bacilli_." Substitute for the first vowel in "grapes" the third of
+the vowels, and it is of that the poor bacillus suffers, and dies. As
+the poet GROSSMITH sings of the German Rhine,--
+
+      "_That_ of the Fatherland,
+      The happy Fatherland,
+  Gives the greatest pain inside."
+
+However, the Bacillus is an enemy, and if he can be got rid of by
+_grape-shot_, pour it in and spare not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW PUBLICATION.--"_The Dumb D._" Musical Novel. Companion to _The
+Silent Sea_, by Mrs. MACLEOD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNS AND OUTS.
+
+NO. IV.--THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS.
+
+"And efery time _he_ gif a shoomp, _he_ make de winders sound."
+
+I do not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that shades the
+Grand Hotel windows. It is of the clique who insist on shutting the
+windows that I write. Briefly speaking, the inmates of the Grand
+Hotel may be divided into two classes--the window-openers and the
+window-shutters. The former are all British. The same Britons who
+at the Club scowl at a suspicion of draught, and luxuriate in an
+asphyxiating atmosphere, band against "the foreigners" in this
+respect. We have a national reputation to keep up. We are the nation
+of soap, of fresh air, of condescending discontent; and when we are on
+the Continent every one else, including the native, is "a foreigner;"
+we carry our nationality about with us like a camp-stool; we squat on
+it; we are jealous of it; it is a case of "_Regardez, mais ne touchez
+pas!_"
+
+[Illustration: COMMERCIAL INSTINCT.
+
+_Original Genius_ (_soliloquising_). "Lor, it 'id bin a crool Shame to
+miss an Opportunity like this 'ere. The gov'nor oughter lemme 'ave Ten
+Bob on that job!"]
+
+This patriotic obtrusiveness culminates in the Battle of the Windows.
+It is an oppressive evening. The _Table d'Hote_-room is seething like
+a caldron; a few chosen conspirators and myself open the campaign
+early; we "tip" ADOLF "the wink." That diplomatist orders the great
+window to be half-opened. If things go smoothly, he will gradually
+open out other sources of ventilation. The Noah's Ark procession files
+in--all shapes and all languages, like the repast itself; DONNERWITZ,
+TARTARIN, SHIRTSOFF, SCAMPELINI; there is nothing in common
+between them--save the paper collar; they would hail international
+declarations of war to-morrow; but the sight of us, and that speck
+of air leagues them. "_Mein Gott, Die Englaender!_" coughs DONNERWITZ;
+"_Ce sont de fanatiques enrhumes!_" hisses TARTARIN; SHIRTSOFF sneezes
+the sneeze of All the Russias; "_Corpo di Bacco!_" cries SCAMPALINI;
+still nothing is done; the "_Potage a la reine_,"--so called from the
+predominance of rain-water--ebbs away in the commingled smacks and
+gulps of the infuriated Powers; "_Saumon du Rhin, sauce Tartare_"
+is being apportioned to the knives of all nations; it is perhaps
+the sight of his knife, from which soup only is sacred, that nerves
+the fuming DONNERWITZ to lead the attack. "Hst!" he shouts to the
+studiously unheeding ADOLF; "'nother bottil Pellell--ver' well sare!"
+chirrups ADOLF reassuringly to _me_; DONNERWITZ raises his knife;
+I fear for the consequences; he brings it down with a clang on
+the hardened tumbler of the Grand Hotel; the timid _pensionnaire_
+of numberless summers starts and grows pale; SHIRTSOFF looks with
+peremptory encouragement towards the Teuton; "_Ach, graesglich!_"
+rattles out DONNERWITZ, and strikes again; the cobra-like gutturality
+of that "_Ach_" is heart-rending; still no ADOLF; at a gold-fraught
+glance from my companions, he has ordered another detachment to the
+front; a fresh current of air invades the room. DONNERWITZ's knife is
+now brandishing peas; his offended napkin chokes him; with the yell
+and spring of a corpulent hyena, he rises and rushes to the windows.
+The timid _pensionnaire_ and her shrinking sisterhood follow him,
+under the misconception that he is summoning them to admire the
+sunset; the sunset is their evening excitement, and DONNERWITZ can be
+sentimental in his calmer moments; but no "_Wie wunder, wunderschoen!_"
+escapes him; a Saxon word, that even they can understand, is on his
+lips; the ring on his forefinger gleams luridly; bang, bang, bang; he
+opens fire; down go the windows, and DONNERWITZ resumes his seat of
+war, his napkin waving like a standard before him. It is now my turn;
+I don't like it; but my co-conspirators expect me to maintain the
+honour of our country: ADOLF cannot be trusted further; I advance
+furtively; the eyes of Europe are upon me; one by one I open them
+again and subside; a terrible silence supervenes. What next?--that is
+the question!
+
+But DONNERWITZ is not only a MOLTKE, he is also a BISMARCK; flushed
+and moist with exertion, he has foreseen this move; it is the hour of
+that inevitable "_Bavaroise_"; the fork has succeeded to the knife:
+his mouth is at last free to confabulate with his neighbour--the Lady
+from Chicago.
+
+"Wal, I call that slap-up rude," I hear her remark. "In Amur'ca we
+should just hev' him removed; but Englishmen are built that way; they
+fancy, I s'pose, they discovered CO-LUMBUS;" and then DONNERWITZ
+leans over the table and, grasping the united weapons of fork,
+knife, and spoon, addresses me with effervescent deliberation.
+"Pardon,--Mister,--but--dis--leddy,--haf--gatarrh; in a Sherman
+shentleman's house--most--keep--first--de--leddy zimmer; so!" I
+don't fully understand, but I feel that my chivalry is impugned. My
+confederates, too, round upon me; "Of course," they whisper, "had no
+idea the lady was an invalid." The brutes! I stutter an apology, and
+"climb down;" the windows are again hermetically sealed; and, as I
+slink away. I hear "_Viva_!" "_Hoch_!" and clinking glasses. Then
+ADOLF hurries up surreptitiously, and whispers, "Tell you vat, Sare:
+to-morrer you shoost dine on de terass; dere, plenty breeze, hein?"
+"Plenty breeze!"--and you pay three francs extra, and catch a cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGH NO MORE, LOTTIE.
+
+    ["The disinfecting process has ruined all the dresses of Miss
+    COLLINS."--_New York Telegram_.]
+
+  Sigh no more, LOTTIE, sigh no more,
+    Those gowns have gone for ever;
+  You've cut some capers on that shore
+    That you expected never;
+  Then sigh not so, but let them go,
+    And be you blithe and bonny,
+  Converting all your sounds of woe
+    To Tarara--boom--de nonny.
+  Sing that vile ditty yet once more,
+    And win almighty dollars
+  From Yankees who have spoilt your store
+    Of frocks, frills, cuffs and collars;
+  The air will run in their heads like one
+    O'clock, till it makes the same ache.
+  While on you shines prosperity's sun.
+    Your Tarara-boom-de hay make!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PATTENMAKERS' BANQUET.--At the Court Dinner of the
+Pattenmakers, held at the Metropole. the eulogies of the Worshipful
+Master, Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (now Master of Horse at Drury Lane),
+were plentiful, and he had a considerable amount of _patten_ on the
+back from all his guests. The great dish of the evening was _Partridge
+au Patten_, an English substitute for _Perdrix au chou_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.]
+
+OUR GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (HERBERT II.),
+
+IN HIS NEW CHARACTER OF THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE.
+
+(_With Song_)--"_Here's to the Health of the Parley Mow_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONNET ON CHILLON.
+
+(_WHERE THE ELECTRIC LIGHT IS NOW INSTALLED IN THE DUNGEON OF
+BONIVARD._)
+
+  Electric lighting, dear to modern mind,
+    Bright in this dungeon! Switzerland, thou art
+    Too mad for things quite _fin-de-siecle_ smart!
+  Surely the trains, that rumble just behind,
+  And Vevey tramcars, in my thoughts consigned
+    To even hotter place, had been enough
+    To scare SAND, HUGO, SHELLEY, in a huff;
+  Make BYRON cast his poem to the wind!
+  Chillon, thy prison may become a place
+    With little marble tables in a row,
+  Where tourists, dressed with artless English grace,
+    May drink their _bock_ or _cafe_ down below,
+  And foreign penknives rapidly efface
+    The boasted names this light is meant to show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NOTE.--The most tranquillising, or even somniferous melodies
+ever composed, must have been those written by the celebrated LULLI.
+The first thing by LULLI was a "_Lulliby_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW WORDS TO AN OLD TUNE (AND A SYLLABLE TO SPARE).--Song for the
+SECRETARY for IRELAND:--"_'Tis all for good luck, quoth bould Rory
+O'Mor-ley._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL THE DIFFERENCE--between "_Sir_ G.O.M." and "_The_ G.O.M."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXAMINATION PAPER FOR A PRESS CANDIDATE.
+
+(_WITH A VIEW TO CARRYING OUT THE SUGGESTION OF THE INSTITUTE OF
+JOURNALISTS._)
+
+1. What are the principal duties of an Editor? State what you would do
+if you were visited by bores of the following kinds:--(1), a friend;
+(2), an enemy; (3), a proprietor.
+
+2. Show how a political article may be written, saying as little as
+possible in the greatest amount of space? Give specimens of "writing
+round a subject" without offending susceptibilities.
+
+3. What are the duties of a Dramatic Critic? Show, by a specimen
+article, how a critique of a bad play, indifferently performed, can
+yet be made to give satisfaction to the Author, the Manager, the
+Company, and the Public?
+
+4. What are the duties of a Special Correspondent at a Seat of War?
+Give a short descriptive article of a battle written in such a manner
+that the readers of your paper may learn everything without your
+getting shot as a spy, or drummed out of camp as an informer.
+
+5. What are the duties of a Reviewer? Describe the process of
+log-rolling, and give specimen of notices of books:--(1), when the
+Author is your friend, but you object to the Publisher; (2), when you
+hate the writer, but must not offend the gentleman whose name appears
+as the distributor, and (3), when you know nothing of the volume
+and its producer, but suspect that the Author reviews for another
+periodical, and that you may possibly get an order from his literary
+introducer.
+
+6. What are the duties of a Musical Critic? Show how it is feasible to
+write a most scientific notice without being able to distinguish the
+National Anthem, MASCAGNI's "_Intermezzo_," or "_The Wedding March_,"
+from "_The Slue Bells of Scotland_."
+
+7. Distinguish the difference between "Our Own Commissioner" and "Our
+Own Correspondent," and "Our Special Reporter" and "An Occasional
+Contributor." Give the rates of remuneration (if any) attaching to
+each office.
+
+8. What is "City Intelligence?" Is it affected by the rise and fall
+of the advertisement columns? State the difference between "News
+Specially Communicated" and a puff paragraph.
+
+9. Give the statistics (if you are able) of the number of aspirants to
+Journalism who have risen and fallen. Show that a small certainty in
+the City is better than an occasional ten-pound note earned in Fleet
+Street.
+
+10. Write an essay upon the subject that Journalism is better as a
+stick than a crutch, and show that it is useless to take up your pen
+if you have not already provided (from other sources) for the payment
+of your butcher's book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO FOOTBALL.
+
+  Farewell to thee, Cricket,
+    Thy last match is o'er;
+  Thy bat, ball, and wicket,
+    Are needed no more.
+  To thy sister we turn,
+    For her coming we pray:
+  Her worshippers burn
+    For the heat of the fray.
+
+  Hail! Goddess of battle,
+    Yet hated of Ma(r)s,
+  How ceaseless their tattle
+    Of tumbles and scars!
+  Such warnings are vain,
+    For thy rites we prepare,
+  Youth is yearning again
+    In thy perils to share.
+
+  Broken limbs and black eyes,
+    May, perchance, be our lot;
+  But grant goals and ties
+    And we care not a jot.
+  Too sacred to name
+    With thy posts, ball, and field,
+  There is no winter game
+    To which thou canst yield.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW TRANSLATION--"VERY CHOICE ITALIAN,"--"_Sotto voce_;" i.e., in a
+drunken tone of voice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE!
+
+_BEING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER OF DRURY LANE._
+
+CHAPTER I.--_THE TEA-URN OF THE HUNTER._
+
+SIR JOHN HENRY NEVILLE WOODMERE was the most considerate of men, and
+he had a very considerate family, and a large circle of considerate
+acquaintances. He was obliging to the last degree, Among those he
+knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of gratitude (for they had
+furnished him with an old family mansion, a stud of racers, and passes
+for himself and circle to Paris) were AUGUSTE LE GRAND, and HENRI LE
+PETTITT.
+
+[Illustration: Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great
+Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up.]
+
+"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming. She has been
+well brought up, and has the finest sentiments; but it is necessary
+that she should run away to Paris, and dodge the parson. Otherwise,
+how could she be called _The Prodigal Daughter_?"
+
+Sir JOHN saw the force of this reasoning, and consented.
+
+"And stay," said AUGUSTE, "we must really have a good set, and you
+must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a breakfast, and all
+of you must wear hunting-coats. And look here, we can't do without
+flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open windows."
+
+"But," objected Sir JOHN, "if I am going a fox-hunting, surely it
+should be in the winter or spring. And how about the flowers?"
+
+"You have got them from Nice," replied AUGUSTE.
+
+So it was thus arranged. Sir JOHN's daughter, who was called ROSE
+MILLWARD WOODMERE, eloped and broke her father's heart.
+
+"But," exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a horse that
+was waiting for him on the lawn amongst the flower-beds, "although my
+heart is breaking, I will show the world I am a true English gentleman
+by starting off to head the chace!"
+
+And he said this out of consideration for AUGUSTE and HENRI, because
+he knew they wanted what is technically known as a Curtain. And by
+this means he gave them one. And a good one too.
+
+CHAPTER II.--_A LITTLE TRIP TO PARIS._
+
+And then Sir JOHN and all his considerate family and acquaintances
+went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hotel, which seemed to have been
+surrendered to them (at convenient times) for their special use. Sir
+JOHN was accompanied by a most useful villain, who showed the depth of
+his depravity by wearing a moustache of the deepest dye. So that this
+depth might be better known, he called himself DEEPWATER.
+
+"Sir JOHN," said this villain, "your daughter has come to Paris with
+Captain HARRY VERNON, and you should trounce him."
+
+"I will," replied Sir JOHN, heartily; "but surely I have seen my
+daughter, and my niece, and Captain HARRY BOYNE VERNON, and the Hon.
+JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD, and Lord HARRY NICHOLLS BANBERRY (a comic
+Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress), and DUDLEY J.L. SHINE
+ROPER, a wicked but amusing Hebrew, hanging about. Cannot we meet for
+two minutes, and set everything to-rights?"
+
+"My dear Sir JOHN," returned MAURICE FERNANDEZ DEEPWATER, "pray
+consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met together for
+two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be settled. But then I
+am distinctly under the impression that AUGUSTE LE GRAND and HENRI LE
+PETTITT would be confoundedly annoyed."
+
+"Oh," exclaimed Sir JOHN, "if you think _they_ would be annoyed, do
+not say another word about it!"
+
+So the various characters gave one another a clear berth, and missed
+each other at the nick of time.
+
+But after awhile ROSE was left alone with the Hon. JULIAN BELFORD.
+
+"It is not very clear to me why we haven't married," said he.
+
+"Nor to me either!" she replied. "We dawdled a bit, and I daresay put
+it off because what one knows can be done at any moment is often not
+done at all."
+
+"Well, hadn't we better go to the British Embassy?"
+
+"Why, yes." she replied, with some hesitation; "but I really think
+you had better say you will marry my cousin. I fancy it would please
+AUGUSTE and HENRI."
+
+"Anything to oblige them," returned the Hon. JULIAN.
+
+"That being settled, please leave me, as I have to fall in a dead
+faint--must get an effective Curtain, you know!"
+
+The HON. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD nodded his head, and then ROSE MILLWARD
+WOODMERE fainted--with the desired result.
+
+CHAPTER III.--_CACKLE_ V. _'OSSES. THE FAVOURITE WINS._
+
+And now Sir JOHN and his considerate circle had come to England, and
+were close to Liverpool.
+
+"My dear people," said HENRI, "never mind your love-making, never mind
+your plot, leave it to AUGUSTE, and he will pull you through."
+
+And HENRI was quite right. AUGUSTE went to work with a will, and did
+pull them through. He took them to the Grand National Steeple Chace,
+and showed them and all the world a sight the like of which they had
+never seen before. There were real horses, real touts, and a real
+winner. Oh, how it went! It was magnificent! And, before this great
+race, AUGUSTE (helped by HENRI this time) showed a training-stable,
+and how a favourite can be nobbled. It didn't in the least matter
+why it was done, or where it was done. It was a lovely sight to see
+somebody or other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked
+them, and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On
+the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient vigour
+to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane, with a trot
+to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, perhaps to the old
+quarters, up to Easter.
+
+[Illustration: Oss-tentation; or, "Giving him Beans."]
+
+"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE. "_Voluptuary_
+will carry the whole of us--Authors, Managers, and Actors--to
+victory!" And he was right--_Voluptuary_ did carry them to success--a
+gigantic one.
+
+CHAPTER IV.--_THE MEANS JUSTIFY THE END._
+
+And Sir JOHN and his considerate circle acted up to their principles
+to the very end.
+
+"ROSE, come to my arms!" said he, to his child; "you have
+been prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and
+conciliation."
+
+"Then may we marry?" asked the Hon. JULIAN.
+
+"Certainly!" was the reply.
+
+And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted for.
+
+"Are you contented?" asked Sir JOHN, of AUGUSTE and HENRI.
+
+"How does it end?" was the answer, taking the shape of a question.
+
+"Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the Public
+generally."
+
+And AUGUSTE, HENRI, _Box_ and _Cox_, and in fact everybody who was
+anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they should be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***
+
+
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