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diff --git a/15439.txt b/15439.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dce289 --- /dev/null +++ b/15439.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1741 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 1, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 22, 2005 [eBook #15439] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, OCTOBER 1, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15439-h.htm or 15439-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/4/3/15439/15439-h/15439-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/4/3/15439/15439-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +OCTOBER 1, 1892 + + + + + + + +"STUMPED!" + +(_A WOULD-BE LAUDATORY ODE. BY JINGLE JUNIOR._) + + [The young Indian Gentleman, Mr. H. RANJITSINHJI, has "secured + his century" at Cricket no less than eleven times this + season.] + + O H.S. RANJIT--(spelling a wild venture is!) + Wielder of willow, runner-up of "centuries"! + What's in a name? A name like RANJITSIN-- + (_Can't_ finish it, was foolish to begin!) + How many miles was it you ran, O RAN-- + (Bowled out again. Am sorry I began!) + In running out those hundreds, RANJITSINGHJ-- + (A man were a patched fool, a perfect ninny, + Who'd try to spell that name, Ask _Bully Bottom!_) + With such a name to carry, how you got 'em, + O RANJ--(that sounds like Orange!)--those same "notches" + Is quite a wonder. Were they "bowls" or "cotches" + That got you out at last, those times eleven? + (Where is GRACE now? He has not scored _one_ even, + This season, though as close as ninety-nine to it.) + Applause has greeted you; let me add mine to it, + O RAN-JIT-SIN-HJI! (Those last three letters + What _do_ they spell?) Orthography's cold fetters + Shan't chill my admiration, smart young Hindoo! + Say, did you smite a sixer through a window, + Like Slogger THORNTON in _his_ boyish prime, + O RANJITSINHJI? Got it this time! + That is, it _spelt_ all right. E'en admiration + Shan't tempt me to attempt _pronunciation_! + Eleven centuries we to Indian skill owe! + Will the East lick the West at its own "Willow?" + Here's luck to India and young RAN--Och, murther! + RAN-JIT-SIN-SIN--How's that! _Out_? Can't get further! + * * * * * + +"OH NO, WE NEVER MENTION IT."--The KENDALS have got a Play by a young +American Author with the very uncompromising name of DAM. He, or his +Play, may be Dam good, or just the reverse: still, if he does turn out +to be the "big, big D," then all the Dam family, such as Amsterdam, +Rotterdam, Schiedam, and so forth, will be real proud of him. Future +Dams will revere him as their worthy ancestral sire, and American +Dam may become naturalised among us (we have a lot of English ones +quite a _specialite_ in that line, so the French say), and become +Dam-nationalised. What fame if the piece is successful, and DAM is +on every tongue! So will it be too, if unsuccessful. Englishmen will +welcome the new American playright with the name unmentionable to +ears polite, and will recognise in him, as _the_ Dam _par excellence_, +their brother, as one of the uncommon descendants of A-DAM. By the +way, the appropriate night for its production would be Christmas +Eve. Fancy the cries all over the House, calling for the successful +Author!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE. + +"COME UNDER THE UMBRELLA, JACK, IT'S BEGUN TO RAIN, AND YOU'LL CATCH +COLD, AND MAMMA'LL BE VEXED!" + +"POOH! AS IF SALT WATER EVER GAVE ONE COLD!"] + + * * * * * + +"PUNSCH" + +(_IN THE READING-ROOM OF THE BERNERHOF._) + + Although thy name is wrongly spelt + Upon thy case, what joy I felt + To find a place where thou hast dwelt, + My Punsch! + + Yet wit and wisdom, even thine, + Can't wake up Berne, where folks supine + All go to bed at half-past nine, + My Punsch! + + What art or jokes could entertain, + Such sleepy people? True, they feign + It's later, for they say "_halb zehn_," + My Punsch! + + My German "_Punsch_," what gender thine? + They who accept, likewise decline, + "_Das Weib_" might feminine assign-- + Die Punsch! + + No matter which, if I behold + Thy pages, worth their weight in gold-- + It's true they're more than three weeks old, + My Punsch! + + * * * * * + +AN ODD FELLOW OUT.--The Church-breaking thief (_vide_ the _Standard's_ +provincial news) who was arrested at Oswestry (fitting that a +Church-thief should have been arrested by Os-Westry-men--which sounds +like a body of mounted ecclesiastical police), explained that he was +a "monumental mason of Dublin." Perhaps the Jury will find him +monu-mentally deranged. + + * * * * * + +HEALTH AND HOPPINESS. + + [It is reported that the latest move is for ladies to combine + profit and pleasure by going "hopping."] + + Fair Woman longs for novelty, + Her daily task is apt to cloy her, + The pastimes that were wont to be + Diverting now do but annoy her. + The common joys of life are spent + So tired of tennis, shooting, shopping, + She turns in her despair to Kent, + And tries her 'prentice hand at hopping. + + Now girls whom you would scarce believe + Would not turn up their nose at soiling + Their dainty hands, to dewy eve + From early morn keep ever toiling. + There's ETHEL of the golden hair + Who flutters through existence gaily + (Her father is a millionnaire), + Hops hard and does her twelve hours daily. + + Then pretty MAUD, with laughing eyes, + Who hardly knew what daily wage meant, + To everybody's great surprise + Proceeds to cut this, that engagement. + Amid the vines she daily goes, + And picks till weary fingers tingle, + The sweetest music now she knows + Is hearing hard-earned sovereigns jingle. + + This latest move, it's very true, + Appears to be a rather rum thing, + But yet for idle hands to do + We know that Someone will find something. + Will fashionable hopping last? + Well, this it's safe to lay your cash on, + Before another year has passed + There'll be another female fashion. + + * * * * * + +VIVE LA RAIN DU BALLET A L'ALHAMBRA!--"Certainly," says MR. JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD, "Ve've la rain. It comes pouring down on the stage, and +the people come pouring in to see it. I suppose," says he, "they'll +now call me 'The Wetter'un?" The ballet is very effective, not a drop +too much, and "not a drop in the business" in front of the house, +though there is, as is evident, on the stage. If Manager JOHN liked +to quote SHAKSPEARE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might +say, "With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it raineth +every night!" For some time to come this show will be the raining +favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the _Sheffield Telegraph_, +describing the alterations and improvements in front at the Alhambra, +wrote--"The ceiling has been bevelled with porous plasters so as to +hide the girders." We know that hand:--it's Our "Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM," +and she "comes from Sheffield." However, "porous plasters" would be +another attraction at the Alhambra, or anywhere, as they certainly +ought to _draw_. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Unlucky Leicester was even more unlucky than usual--and when the big +race was run last Wednesday, so thick was the rain, that the horses +could only be seen for the last half mile! Of course this made all +the difference to the horse I selected--_Windgall_--who finished +second;--as he only gives his _best_ performances _in public_, and +as he doubtless _knew he couldn't be seen_, he thought it was only a +private trial until he got close home, when his gallant effort was too +late to be of any use!--at least, this is how _I_ read the result of +the race, and who can know more about a horse than the racing-prophet, +I should like to know? + +I was told by Sir WALTER GREENINGTON, that the public "tumbled over +each other" to back _Breach_, but I must say I didn't notice anything +of the sort, and it was not the kind of day anyone would choose for +a roll on the turf, the state of which was detrimental to any kind of +_Breach_!--The believers in "coincidences"--(of which I need hardly +say _I_ am one--a coincidence being a truly feminine reason for +backing a horse)--had no option but to back the winner, _Rusticus_; +as he drew the same berth he occupied in last year's race, which he +alsop--(I mean also)--won for Mr. HAMAR BASS!--_Stuart_ was a great +eleventh hour tip--(why _eleventh_ hour I wonder?--more than any +other--and who fixes the precise moment when the _eleventh_ hour +commences?)--but history tells us the STUARTS were mostly unreliable; +and though I am told he ran a "great horse"--I thought him rather on +the small side myself! + +I hear that Mr. LEONARD BOYNE has received a "licence to ride" from +the Jockey Club, and that his ambition is to ride the winner of the +"Grand National"--to which end he has started "schooling" a well-known +chaser over the private training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to +Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS--if he hopes to escape observation by training +at night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the evening, I +went to witness this "new departure" in training, I found most of the +London racing-touts present, with the inevitable field-glasses! + +Next week sees us once more at our beloved Newmarket First +October--(this is a Jockey-Club joke, as the meeting _always_ takes +place in _September_! But what does a little paradox of this kind +matter to such an _August_ body!)--and I shall append my selection +for the most important race of Wednesday, but I also wish to give a +hint to the "Worldly Wise" not to miss the October Handicap, or the +match, for which _Buccaneer_ will be favourite at the "fall of the +flag!"--(The flag may _fall_, but such a _Buccaneer_ as this is will +never "strike his flag" I feel sure!) Being absolutely overloaded +with prophecy, I must also have a word to say on the Rutland +Plate, which aristocratically-named race could only be won by the +aristocratically-named _Buckingham_!--Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +GREAT-EASTERN RAILWAY HANDICAP SELECTION:-- + + Though good his chance to win the prize, + "Lord HENRY" soon detected, + That greatest danger would arise, + From Colonel NORTH's "_Selected._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES." + +"On July 4th, Lieutenant PEARY, in his great sledge journey, commenced +on May 15th last, in Greenland, came on a glacier which he named The +Academy Glacier."--_Times_.] + + * * * * * + +SWORD AND PEN. + +A FABLE. + +(_TRANSLATED FROM THE RUSSO-FRENCH._) + +Pen was a busy personage. He was flying from place to place, and +had much importance. He was pompous and mysterious, and puzzled many +people. Pen was accompanied by a sheet of paper that he called Treaty. +Pen took Treaty everywhere. To Russia, to France, to Rome, and to +Turkey. No one knew exactly what Treaty was like. Pen said he was +satisfied with Treaty, and as Pen and Treaty were such constant +companions, Pen's word on the subject was accepted as authentic. + +But one fine day there was a breeze, and Treaty was blown away by the +wind. + +"Can I not assist?" asked Pen. "Things seem to have gone wrong." + +"No, thanks," replied Sword, grimly; "when it comes to close quarters, +we find ink not quite so useful as gunpowder!" + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOR AN OUTSIDE ADVERTISEMENT TO BE DISPLAYED AT THE DOOR OF +THE STRAND THEATER.--"_Niobe_ all tiers" (full). + + * * * * * + +BRIEF INTERVIEW. + +"And," asked our deferential Interviewer, "what did your Lordship +reply to the deputation about Uganda?" + +Lord ROSEBERY at once answered, "I said little, but I--" + +"_Ment-more_," interrupted the Private Secretary, sticking a label on +his Lordship's travelling bag. + +"Quite so," said Lord ROSEBERY, and off he went. + + * * * * * + +BAD FOR WOULD-BE "ENGLISH WIVES"--It is reported that "Yankee Girls +and American Belles were the feature of the Miscellaneous Market." +This should put our young men on their mettle--tin, of course, for +choice. No reasonable offer refused. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HOW IT'S DONE!" + +(_Hard on Sketchley, who was there at the time and in the thick of it, +and has just had his Picture photographed._) + +"OH! MR. SKETCHLEY, HOW CLEVER OF YOU TO PAINT SUCH A LARGE PICTURE +FROM SUCH A SMALL PHOTOGRAPH!"] + + * * * * * + +LAYS OF MODERN HOME. + +NO. V.--MY BUTTONS! + +[Illustration] + + It wasn't that he blacked the plate + And rouged the boots, and breathed, half-choking, + Half-snorting, when he leaned to wait; + Although these habits _are_ provoking. + + It wasn't that he sang his fill, + Although his mouth with food was giving; + This latter, as a feat of skill, + Might have procured the lad a living. + + It wasn't that he'd purchase hosts + Of squibs and sweets to mess the pantry; + That horrid boy, and broomstick-ghosts + On timid JANE would oft, and ANN try. + + These petty peccadilloes might + Have all improved with careful training.-- + It was his shameless appetite + That gave us cause for most complaining. + + He swilled and stuffed as never mere + Adult voracity can own to; + He was a "growing boy," I fear; + I wonder much what he has grown to! + + He wore away our forks and spoons + With hard, incessant gormandizing; + The Baker's, and, for some blue moons, + The Milkman's bill were quite surprising. + +[Illustration] + + He cost us more in Butcher's meat + And Grocer's tea, and things from Cutlers, + He cost, I solemnly repeat, + Far more than two or three big Butlers. + + And thus his fat increased until't + Became a show that sight bewilders; + We trembled for our mansion built, + You see, by noted Jerry-builders. + + At length (you'll scarce the fact believe) + One evening, as we sat at dinner, + And strove our senses to deceive + By just imagining him thinner; + + We heard a crack, a burst, a groan, + We felt a broadside round us battered, + We _saw_ his buttons fiercely blown + About our heads, and piecemeal scattered! + + The suit had split; the boy was bare + Of clothes designed to last for ages; + We gave him notice then and there-- + This _volume_, so to speak, of pages! + + * * * * * + +SONG TO BE SUNG IN HAYMARKET ORCHESTRA DURING OVERTURE.--"Oh, why +should we wait till to-morrow? See _Queen of Manoa_ to-night!" + + * * * * * + +ON A GUERNSEY EXCURSION CAR. + + _The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with Excursionists + on pleasure bent, is toiling up the steep streets of St. Peter + Port, when it comes to a sudden halt._ + +[Illustration: "Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey +expression."] + +_Excursionists_ (_impatiently_). Now then, what's this? What are we +stopping here for? + +_The Driver_. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will thoroughly understand +that it is customary for the car to stop here, in order that the +party may be photographed, thus providing an agreeable souvenir of +the trip, and a useful means of identification at Scotland Yard. (_A +Photographer appears in the road with a camera, and the party prepare +themselves for perpetuation in a pleased flutter_.) P'raps, Sir--(_to +a Mild Man on the box-seat_)--you'd like to be taken 'andling the +ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do. + + [_The Mild Man accepts the reins, and endeavours to assume a + knowing and horsey expression._ + +_A Timid Lady_ (_behind_). I _do_ hope no Gentleman will take the +reins, unless he is thoroughly accustomed to driving four-in-hand. +Suppose they took it into their heads to run away suddenly! + +_Driver_ (_solemnly_). Don't you alarm yourself about that, Ma'am, in +the very slightest degree. These 'osses take that pride in themselves, +they'd stop here all day rather than spoil their own likenesses! + + [_The M.M. intimates that he is no novice in the art of + driving, which is fairly true as regards a pony-trap--and the + fears of the_ T.L. _are allayed._ + +_Photographer_. Now, steady all, please, those at the further ends of +the seats stand up so as to come into the picture, a little more to +the right, please, the gentleman in the straw 'at, turn your 'ead a +trifle more towards the camera, the lady in the pink shirt,--that's +better. Better take off your spectacles, Sir. Now then--are you ready? + +_A Comic Exc._ 'Old on a bit--I've a fly on my nose. + + [_Some of the party giggle; the photograph is successfully + taken, and the car proceeds._ + +_The Driver_. On your left, Ladies and Gentlemen, you have the +Prison--the cheapest Hotel in the Island for parties who intend making +a protracted stay here. On our right we are now passing "Paradise." +You will observe that someone has 'ung his 'at and coat up at +the entrance, not being certain of getting in. Notice the tree in +front--the finest specimen on the island of the good old Guernsey +hoak. + + [_He keeps turning from time to time to address these + instructive remarks to the passengers behind him._ + +_The Timid Lady._ I wish he wouldn't talk so much, and look more where +he is going--we're _much_ too near the hedge! + +_Driver_ (_standing up, and turning his back on the horses, as they +trot on_). Ladies and Gentlemen, you will all thoroughly understand +that the roads in this Island are narrow. Consequently, you must look +after the branches and briars yourselves. I've enough to do to look +after my 'orses, I assure you, and it looks bad to see 'ats and +bonnets decorating the 'edges after the car has passed. (_Some of the +Excursionists look at one another uneasily._) The glass-'ouses you see +in such quantities, are employed in the production of early grapes and +tomators for the London Market. This Island alone exports annually-- + + [_Here the car rounds a corner rather sharply, and he sits + down again._ + +_The Mild Man (with a Mild Man's thirst for information_). What are +those buildings over there with the chimney? + + [_Here he is conscious of being furtively prodded in the + back--but decides to take no notice._ + +_Driver_ (_rising as before_). Those buildings, Ladies and Gentlemen, +are Chemical works for extracting iodine from seaweed. The seaweed, +after being dried, is then boiled, and from the ash-- + + [_Here the Mild Man, who has been listening with much + interest, is startled by receiving a folded piece of paper, + which it passed up to him from behind._ + +_The M.M._ (_to himself, as he reads the message_). "Keep the Driver +quiet. He is drunk." Good Gracious! I never noticed--and yet--dear me, +I hope they don't expect _me_ to interfere! + +_The Timid Lady_ (_to the Driver_). For goodness sake never mind about +iodine now--sit down and attend to your driving, like a good man! + +_Driver_. You will thoroughly understand, my horses require _no_ +attention. (_Sleepily._) No attention whatever. I assure you I am +perfectly competent to drive this car and give you information +going along at the same time. (_The car takes another corner rather +abruptly._) Simply matter of habit. (_Gravely._) Matter'f habit! + +_A Serious Exc._ (_in an undertone._) A very _bad_ habit, I'm afraid. +It's really time somebody else took the reins from him! + +_The M.M._ (_overhearing_). I'm afraid they mean me--I wish now I'd +never touched the reins at all! + +_Driver_. The Church we are now coming to, is St. Martin's, built in +the year eleven 'undred. + +_A Female Exc._ (_critically_). It _has_ got an old-fashioned look +about it, certainly. + +_A Male Exc._ There's nothing to see inside of these old churches. I +went in one the other day, and I was looking up at the rafters, and +I saw a sort o' picture there, and I said, "Ullo--they've been +advertising Pears' Soap here, or something." But when I looked again, +it was only an old fresco. I was so little interested I walked out +without tipping the Verger! + +_The Female Exc._ That Church we went to on Sunday evening is very +old. + +_Her Comp._ Is it? How do you know? + +_The F.E._ Why, my dress was covered with bits of fluff out of the +hassock! + +_Driver._ The carved stone figure you see by the gate, is supposed +to be a portrait of Julius Caesar's Grandmother, and very like the +old lady. (_The Excursionists nearest him smile in a sickly way, to +avoid hurting his feelings, as the car moves on--to halt once more at +Icart Point._) It is customary to alight here and go round the point, +and I can assure you, Ladies and Gentlemen, the scenery is well worth +your inspection and will give you a little idea of what the Island +_is_. + +_Excursionists_ (_taking advantage of the opportunity to discuss the +situation_). I noticed it the minute I set eyes on him--he never +ought to have been sent out like this ... He's been to a wedding this +morning, so I heard, and it's upset him a little, that's all ... Upset +_him_--we're lucky if he doesn't upset _us_. What a fidget you are! I +shan't take _you_ into Switzerland next year, if you're like this... +If Switzerland's full of a lot of drunken men, I don't want to go... +Well, what had we better _do_ about it? Perhaps _this_ gentleman +would--Oh, no, I couldn't take the responsibility, really, not without +knowing the way. Well, we can't _walk_ back, that's certain--we must +trust to luck, that's all! Pretty bit of the coast you get here ... +Oh, don't talk about the scenery _now_, when, for all we know!--&c., +&c. + + [_The car starts again, and presently arrives at a winding + and precipitous road leading down to Petit Bot Bay, where the + Driver again rises with his back to the horses, and proceeds + to address the Excursionists, as they sit paralysed with + horror._ + +_Driver_. Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point I shall explain the +scenery. (_The Timid Lady protests that she is content to leave +the scenery unexplained._) Pardon me, this is a portion of the +scenery--(_Here his eyes close and reopen with an effort_)--a portion +of the scenery that can only be properly enjoyed coming out on one of +these cars. If you go out with ordinary drivers, they take you along +the main roads, and you come away fancying you've seen the Island. +Now the advantage of coming along with _me_--(_His eyes close once +more--the Excursionists implore him to attend to his team_.) You will +thoroughly understand there is not the slightest cause to apprehend +any danger. I've driven this car fifteen years without least +accident--up to _present_. So you can devote your whole attention +to the scenery, without needing to keep an eye upon the Driver. +(_He points to the abyss_.) That is the _shortest_ way down--on this +occasion, however, I shall endeavour _not_ to take it. (_He whips up +his horses, and accomplishes the descent at a brisk pace_.) There, +didn't I _tell_ you there wouldn't be no accident? Very _well_, then. +P'rhaps you'll believe me another time! + +_Mild Man_ (_alighting at Hotel for luncheon_). We've had a remarkably +lucky escape--I never felt more thankful in my life! + +_A Gloomy Exc._ Don't you be in too great a hurry, Sir! We've got to +get _back_--and he's bound to be worse after he's had his lunch! + + [_The M.M.'s appetite for lobster is entirely destroyed by + this sinister prediction; but whether the Driver has been + unjustly maligned, or whether he has sobered himself in + the interval--he reappears in a more sedentary, and less + discursive mood, and the journey home proves agreeably devoid + of sensation._ + + * * * * * + +SIMPLE STORIES. + +"Be always kind to animals wherever you may be." + +RUBY AND THE ROOK. + +RUBY, although she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty and clever +girl. + +But, like many pretty and clever little ladies, she was sometimes very +naughty. When she was good, she was as good as gold, but when she was +naughty, she was as naughty as pinchbeck. + +The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning, it +happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothing would please +her--she was cross with her governess at breakfast, she quarrelled +with her bread-and-milk; and even when her favourite tame Rook, +Cawcus, came hopping on her shoulder, she refused to give it anything +to eat, but hit it on the beak with her spoon. + +[Illustration] + +Miss DUMBELL was very much grieved at the way in which her pupil +lolled in her chair, gave sullen answers, and put flies in the +milk-jug, and pinched the cat's tail. "Mind, RUBY," said Miss DUMBELL, +"at eleven o'clock I shall expect you in the school-room with that +page of French phrases quite perfect." RUBY's eyes flashed as she +went out of the room; she pouted, she swung her skirts, and shook her +shoulders, so that even Miss DUMBELL, the most patient and kindest of +governesses, quite longed to slap her. + +RUBY went to the school-room; she immediately flung the French +phrase-book from one end of the room to the other. She took some +story-books, and a little basket full of apples, bath-buns and +"three-corners," and ran down to a little plantation called the +Wilderness, at the bottom of the garden. She selected one of the +tallest elms, and as she could climb like a kitten, she was soon at +the top of it, quite hidden from view among the leaves. + +"So much for old DUMMY and her French phrases!" said the naughty girl, +as she settled herself in a comfortable position and brought out her +story-book. The stable-clock had struck twelve, and she heard her +name called in all directions, by JORGINS, the gardener, BRILLIT, +the buttons, and long-suffering Miss DUMBELL. They could not find her +anywhere, and her Most Serene Naughtiness sat screened by the leaves +and shook with laughter. + +Presently "Cawcus," her pet Rook, came fluttering amid the leaves, +and began to caw. RUBY offered him bits of Bath bun, and even a whole +three-corner, in order to keep him quiet. + +But he remembered his treatment at breakfast, and refused all +these bribes with scorn. He declined to be petted, he continued to +hover over the tree, and circle around it, giving vent to the most +discordant shrieks. Presently she heard the clear measured tones of +her Mamma's voice saying, "RUBY, come down at once. I know you are +up in the elm." Cawcus, whom she had maltreated, had betrayed her +hiding-place. + +RUBY dared not disobey. Quite subdued, and with garments grievously +greened, she descended. Mamma took her little daughter indoors, and +improved the occasion. RUBY eventually appeared, with tears in her +eyes, and subsequently apologised to her governess, recited the page +of French phrases without a mistake, and promised to be a good girl. +Though she sometimes forgot herself, and was rude to Miss DUMBELL +afterwards, she never failed to treat Cawcus the Rook with most +profound consideration and reverence. + + * * * * * + +TO MELENDA. + +(_A SET OF VERSES ACCOMPANYING A PHOTOGRAPH._) + +[Illustration] + + I remember--do you?--the remarkable sky light + That flooded the heavens one evening in May, + How together we talked _tete-a-tete_ in the twilight, + When the glow of the sunset had faded away. + Then you showed me your album. I looked at its pages. + With yourself as my guide and companion went through + Its contents--there were people of all sorts and ages, + But the portrait I fancied the most was--of you. + + And you saw that I did. Which perhaps was the reason + Of your "No!" when I asked "May I have it?" You swore + You were going to be shot at the close of the season, + And you couldn't spare that, as there weren't any more. + But at length I prevailed, or at least you relented, + After ever so many excuses--in fine + We agreed to a compact, you only consented + On condition I gave you a portrait of mine. + + Well, I promised, of course. And I write you these verses + With your face--you'll forgive me--quite close to my own. + There's a charm in your look that completely disperses + All my cares in a way that is yours, dear, alone. + And although I am pleased, since I won in the end--a + More ridiculous bargain has never, I vow, + Been arranged than a picture of pretty MELENDA, + In exchange for the photograph sent to you now. + + We did not meet again through some horrible blunder, + Which a merciless Fate must be asked to explain, + And I sometimes sit smoking, and wearily wonder + If I ever _am_ destined to see you again. + Yet wherever the future may possibly find you, + To this final request do not answer me Nay, + When I ask that this gift of myself may remind you + Of the friend who was with you that evening in May. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE. + +SCENE--_Public Drawing-room of Hotel in the Engadine._ + +_The Hon. Mrs. Snebbington_ (_to Fair Stranger_), "ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE +SO UNSOCIABLE, AND NEVER SPEAK TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION. +I ALWAYS MAKE A POINT OF BEING FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE STAYING AT THE +SAME HOTEL. ONE NEED NEVER KNOW THEM AFTERWARDS!"] + + * * * * * + +ADVANCING YEARS. + +(_HOW IT STRIKES A CONTEMPORARY._) + + ["Owing to advancing years, Mr. ---- has been compelled to + resign his position as ----" _Extract from any Daily Paper_."] + + Advancing years! It cannot be. + What, JACK, the boy I've known--God bless me! + Why yes, it was in '43 + That first we met, and--since you press me-- + The time has sped without my knowledge, + That's close on fifty years ago; + Like some deep river's silent flow, + Since JACK and I first met at College. + + 'Twas on a cloudy Autumn day. + Fast fading into misty twilight; + The freshmen, as they trooped to pray, + Stepped bolder in the evening's shy light. + As yet we did not break the rules + In which the College deans immesh men, + We fledglings from a score of schools, + That far October's brood of freshmen. + + Like one who starts upon a race, + The Chaplain through the service scurried. + From prayer to prayer he sped apace; + I marked him less the more he hurried. + My prayer-book fell--my neighbour smiled; + Reversing NEWTON with the apple, + I, by that neighbour's eye beguiled, + Quite lost my gravity in chapel. + + And so we smiled. I see him still, + Blue eyes, where darting gleams of fun shine, + A smile like some translucent rill + That sparkles in the summer sunshine, + A manly mien, and unafraid, + Crisp hair, fair face, and square-set shoulders, + That made him on the King's Parade + The cynosure of all beholders. + + And from this slight irreverence, + Too small, I hope, to waste your blame on, + We grew, in quite a Cambridge sense, + A sort of PYTHIAS and DAMON. + Together "kept," together broke + Laws framed by elderly Draconians, + And I was six, and JACK was stroke, + That famous night we bumped the Johnians. + + How strong he was, how fleet of foot, + Ye bull-dogs witness, and ye Proctors; + How bright his jests, how aptly put + His scorn of duns, and Dons, and Doctors. + We laughed at care, read now and then-- + Though vexed by EUCLID on the same bridge-- + Ah, men in those great days were men + When JACK and I wore gowns at Cambridge. + + We paid our fines, we paid our fees, + And, though the Dons seemed stony-hearted, + We both got very fair degrees, + And then, like other friends, we parted. + And when we said good-bye at last + I vowed through life to be his brother-- + And more than forty years have passed + Since each set eyes upon the other. + + And so through all these changing years + With all their thousand changing faces, + Their failures, hopes, successes, fears, + In half a hundred different places, + JACK still has been the same to me, + As bright within my memory's fair book + As when we met in '43, + And smiled about that fallen prayer-book. + + Ah well, the moments swiftly stream + Unheeded through the upturned hour-glass; + I've lived my life, and dreamed my dream, + And quaffed the sweet, as now the sour glass. + But old and spent my mind strays back + To pleasant paths fresh-strewn with roses, + And I would see my old friend JACK + Once more before the curtain closes. + + * * * * * + +ANNOUNCEMENT.--The Earl of LATHOM (who, being quite six feet or +more, cannot be described as Small and Earl-y) is to lay the +foundation-stone of "The Cross Deaf and Dumb School for N. and E. +Lancashire." Now the Deaf and Dumb are, as a rule, exceptionally +cheerful and good-tempered. It is quite right, therefore, that +exceptions to this rule should be treated in a separate establishment, +and that the "Cross Deaf and Dumb" ones should have a house to +themselves. _Prosit!_ + + * * * * * + +A HIGHLY-POLISH'D PERFORMANCE.--HENRY IRVING as _Le Juif Polonais_ in +_The Bells._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TUNING THE HARP.] + + * * * * * + +A FRIEND TAKES ME FOR A QUIET DRIVE. + +[Illustration: 1. "Don't be alarmed, Jack--it's only her way. She +always does this at starting. Never knew her to come over."] + +[Illustration: 2. "May as well get out. She always makes me walk up +here."] + +[Illustration: 3. "Look sharp, Jack, and get the reins from under her +tail or we'll have an accident!"] + +[Illustration: 4. "Curious thing how she hates trains!"] + +[Illustration: 5. "Better be on the look-out for a soft spot, old +chap!"] + +[Illustration: 6. "Now this is the second time she has turned me out +just here!"] + + * * * * * + +IN THE MONKEY-HOUSE; + +_OR, CAGE VERSUS CLUB._ + + PROFESSOR GARNER goes to the Gaboon + To garner Monkey talk; a dubious boon! + Stucco Philistia shows in many shapes + The babble of baboons, the chat of apes. + Why hang, Sir, up a tree, in a big cage, + To study Simian speech, which in our age + May be o'erheard on Platform or in Pub, + And studied 'mid the comforts of a Club? + And yet perchance your forest apes would shrink + From Smoke-room chat of apes who _never_ think, + But cackle imitatively all round, + Till their speech hath an automatic sound. + Put the dread name of GL-DST-NE in the slot + SMELFUNGUS calls his mouth, and rabid rot + Will gurgle forth in a swift sewer-like gush + Of coarse abuse would make a bargee blush. + SMELFUNGUS is a soldier, and a swell, + But--the Gaboon can scarce surpass Pall-Mall + In vicious, gibbering vulgarity + Of coarse vituperation. Decency, + Courtesy, common-sense, all cast aside! + Pheugh! GARNER, in his cage, would open wide + His listening ears, did Jacko of the forest + So "slate" a foeman when his head was sorest. + Strange that to rave and rant, like scullion storm, + Like low virago scold, should seem "good form" + To our Society Simians, when one name + Makes vulgar spite oblivious of its shame! + "Voluntary and deliberate," their speech, + "Articulate too"--those Apes! Then could they teach + Their--say _descendants_,--much. Does Club or cage + Hear most of rabid and unreasoned rage? + "Apes' manner of delivery shows" (they say) + "They're conscious of the meaning they'd convey!" + Then pardon, GARNER! Apes, though found in clans. + Are _not_, of course, political partisans. + Tired of the Club-room's incoherent rage, + One pines for the Gaboon, and GARNER's cage. + For what arboreal ape _could_ rage and rail + Like him, with fierce Gladstonophobia pale, + That Smoke-room Simian, though without a tail! + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE BASKETS. + +The _Daily Graphic_ published a specific against cholera, alleged to +have been invented by Doctor PICK, a German. Evidently "Our pick'd +man of countries." As it is something to drink, and not to eat, +the inventor is under no necessity to be known henceforth as Dr. +PICK-AND-CHEWS. His remedy is to treat the _bacilli_ to Rhine +Wine. The result of experiments has been "so much the worse for the +_bacilli_." Substitute for the first vowel in "grapes" the third of +the vowels, and it is of that the poor bacillus suffers, and dies. As +the poet GROSSMITH sings of the German Rhine,-- + + "_That_ of the Fatherland, + The happy Fatherland, + Gives the greatest pain inside." + +However, the Bacillus is an enemy, and if he can be got rid of by +_grape-shot_, pour it in and spare not. + + * * * * * + +NEW PUBLICATION.--"_The Dumb D._" Musical Novel. Companion to _The +Silent Sea_, by Mrs. MACLEOD. + + * * * * * + +INNS AND OUTS. + +NO. IV.--THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS. + +"And efery time _he_ gif a shoomp, _he_ make de winders sound." + +I do not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that shades the +Grand Hotel windows. It is of the clique who insist on shutting the +windows that I write. Briefly speaking, the inmates of the Grand +Hotel may be divided into two classes--the window-openers and the +window-shutters. The former are all British. The same Britons who +at the Club scowl at a suspicion of draught, and luxuriate in an +asphyxiating atmosphere, band against "the foreigners" in this +respect. We have a national reputation to keep up. We are the nation +of soap, of fresh air, of condescending discontent; and when we are on +the Continent every one else, including the native, is "a foreigner;" +we carry our nationality about with us like a camp-stool; we squat on +it; we are jealous of it; it is a case of "_Regardez, mais ne touchez +pas!_" + +[Illustration: COMMERCIAL INSTINCT. + +_Original Genius_ (_soliloquising_). "Lor, it 'id bin a crool Shame to +miss an Opportunity like this 'ere. The gov'nor oughter lemme 'ave Ten +Bob on that job!"] + +This patriotic obtrusiveness culminates in the Battle of the Windows. +It is an oppressive evening. The _Table d'Hote_-room is seething like +a caldron; a few chosen conspirators and myself open the campaign +early; we "tip" ADOLF "the wink." That diplomatist orders the great +window to be half-opened. If things go smoothly, he will gradually +open out other sources of ventilation. The Noah's Ark procession files +in--all shapes and all languages, like the repast itself; DONNERWITZ, +TARTARIN, SHIRTSOFF, SCAMPELINI; there is nothing in common +between them--save the paper collar; they would hail international +declarations of war to-morrow; but the sight of us, and that speck +of air leagues them. "_Mein Gott, Die Englaender!_" coughs DONNERWITZ; +"_Ce sont de fanatiques enrhumes!_" hisses TARTARIN; SHIRTSOFF sneezes +the sneeze of All the Russias; "_Corpo di Bacco!_" cries SCAMPALINI; +still nothing is done; the "_Potage a la reine_,"--so called from the +predominance of rain-water--ebbs away in the commingled smacks and +gulps of the infuriated Powers; "_Saumon du Rhin, sauce Tartare_" +is being apportioned to the knives of all nations; it is perhaps +the sight of his knife, from which soup only is sacred, that nerves +the fuming DONNERWITZ to lead the attack. "Hst!" he shouts to the +studiously unheeding ADOLF; "'nother bottil Pellell--ver' well sare!" +chirrups ADOLF reassuringly to _me_; DONNERWITZ raises his knife; +I fear for the consequences; he brings it down with a clang on +the hardened tumbler of the Grand Hotel; the timid _pensionnaire_ +of numberless summers starts and grows pale; SHIRTSOFF looks with +peremptory encouragement towards the Teuton; "_Ach, graesglich!_" +rattles out DONNERWITZ, and strikes again; the cobra-like gutturality +of that "_Ach_" is heart-rending; still no ADOLF; at a gold-fraught +glance from my companions, he has ordered another detachment to the +front; a fresh current of air invades the room. DONNERWITZ's knife is +now brandishing peas; his offended napkin chokes him; with the yell +and spring of a corpulent hyena, he rises and rushes to the windows. +The timid _pensionnaire_ and her shrinking sisterhood follow him, +under the misconception that he is summoning them to admire the +sunset; the sunset is their evening excitement, and DONNERWITZ can be +sentimental in his calmer moments; but no "_Wie wunder, wunderschoen!_" +escapes him; a Saxon word, that even they can understand, is on his +lips; the ring on his forefinger gleams luridly; bang, bang, bang; he +opens fire; down go the windows, and DONNERWITZ resumes his seat of +war, his napkin waving like a standard before him. It is now my turn; +I don't like it; but my co-conspirators expect me to maintain the +honour of our country: ADOLF cannot be trusted further; I advance +furtively; the eyes of Europe are upon me; one by one I open them +again and subside; a terrible silence supervenes. What next?--that is +the question! + +But DONNERWITZ is not only a MOLTKE, he is also a BISMARCK; flushed +and moist with exertion, he has foreseen this move; it is the hour of +that inevitable "_Bavaroise_"; the fork has succeeded to the knife: +his mouth is at last free to confabulate with his neighbour--the Lady +from Chicago. + +"Wal, I call that slap-up rude," I hear her remark. "In Amur'ca we +should just hev' him removed; but Englishmen are built that way; they +fancy, I s'pose, they discovered CO-LUMBUS;" and then DONNERWITZ +leans over the table and, grasping the united weapons of fork, +knife, and spoon, addresses me with effervescent deliberation. +"Pardon,--Mister,--but--dis--leddy,--haf--gatarrh; in a Sherman +shentleman's house--most--keep--first--de--leddy zimmer; so!" I +don't fully understand, but I feel that my chivalry is impugned. My +confederates, too, round upon me; "Of course," they whisper, "had no +idea the lady was an invalid." The brutes! I stutter an apology, and +"climb down;" the windows are again hermetically sealed; and, as I +slink away. I hear "_Viva_!" "_Hoch_!" and clinking glasses. Then +ADOLF hurries up surreptitiously, and whispers, "Tell you vat, Sare: +to-morrer you shoost dine on de terass; dere, plenty breeze, hein?" +"Plenty breeze!"--and you pay three francs extra, and catch a cold. + + * * * * * + +SIGH NO MORE, LOTTIE. + + ["The disinfecting process has ruined all the dresses of Miss + COLLINS."--_New York Telegram_.] + + Sigh no more, LOTTIE, sigh no more, + Those gowns have gone for ever; + You've cut some capers on that shore + That you expected never; + Then sigh not so, but let them go, + And be you blithe and bonny, + Converting all your sounds of woe + To Tarara--boom--de nonny. + Sing that vile ditty yet once more, + And win almighty dollars + From Yankees who have spoilt your store + Of frocks, frills, cuffs and collars; + The air will run in their heads like one + O'clock, till it makes the same ache. + While on you shines prosperity's sun. + Your Tarara-boom-de hay make! + + * * * * * + +AT THE PATTENMAKERS' BANQUET.--At the Court Dinner of the +Pattenmakers, held at the Metropole. the eulogies of the Worshipful +Master, Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (now Master of Horse at Drury Lane), +were plentiful, and he had a considerable amount of _patten_ on the +back from all his guests. The great dish of the evening was _Partridge +au Patten_, an English substitute for _Perdrix au chou_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.] + +OUR GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (HERBERT II.), + +IN HIS NEW CHARACTER OF THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE. + +(_With Song_)--"_Here's to the Health of the Parley Mow_!" + + * * * * * + +SONNET ON CHILLON. + +(_WHERE THE ELECTRIC LIGHT IS NOW INSTALLED IN THE DUNGEON OF +BONIVARD._) + + Electric lighting, dear to modern mind, + Bright in this dungeon! Switzerland, thou art + Too mad for things quite _fin-de-siecle_ smart! + Surely the trains, that rumble just behind, + And Vevey tramcars, in my thoughts consigned + To even hotter place, had been enough + To scare SAND, HUGO, SHELLEY, in a huff; + Make BYRON cast his poem to the wind! + Chillon, thy prison may become a place + With little marble tables in a row, + Where tourists, dressed with artless English grace, + May drink their _bock_ or _cafe_ down below, + And foreign penknives rapidly efface + The boasted names this light is meant to show. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTE.--The most tranquillising, or even somniferous melodies +ever composed, must have been those written by the celebrated LULLI. +The first thing by LULLI was a "_Lulliby_." + + * * * * * + +NEW WORDS TO AN OLD TUNE (AND A SYLLABLE TO SPARE).--Song for the +SECRETARY for IRELAND:--"_'Tis all for good luck, quoth bould Rory +O'Mor-ley._" + + * * * * * + +ALL THE DIFFERENCE--between "_Sir_ G.O.M." and "_The_ G.O.M." + + * * * * * + +EXAMINATION PAPER FOR A PRESS CANDIDATE. + +(_WITH A VIEW TO CARRYING OUT THE SUGGESTION OF THE INSTITUTE OF +JOURNALISTS._) + +1. What are the principal duties of an Editor? State what you would do +if you were visited by bores of the following kinds:--(1), a friend; +(2), an enemy; (3), a proprietor. + +2. Show how a political article may be written, saying as little as +possible in the greatest amount of space? Give specimens of "writing +round a subject" without offending susceptibilities. + +3. What are the duties of a Dramatic Critic? Show, by a specimen +article, how a critique of a bad play, indifferently performed, can +yet be made to give satisfaction to the Author, the Manager, the +Company, and the Public? + +4. What are the duties of a Special Correspondent at a Seat of War? +Give a short descriptive article of a battle written in such a manner +that the readers of your paper may learn everything without your +getting shot as a spy, or drummed out of camp as an informer. + +5. What are the duties of a Reviewer? Describe the process of +log-rolling, and give specimen of notices of books:--(1), when the +Author is your friend, but you object to the Publisher; (2), when you +hate the writer, but must not offend the gentleman whose name appears +as the distributor, and (3), when you know nothing of the volume +and its producer, but suspect that the Author reviews for another +periodical, and that you may possibly get an order from his literary +introducer. + +6. What are the duties of a Musical Critic? Show how it is feasible to +write a most scientific notice without being able to distinguish the +National Anthem, MASCAGNI's "_Intermezzo_," or "_The Wedding March_," +from "_The Slue Bells of Scotland_." + +7. Distinguish the difference between "Our Own Commissioner" and "Our +Own Correspondent," and "Our Special Reporter" and "An Occasional +Contributor." Give the rates of remuneration (if any) attaching to +each office. + +8. What is "City Intelligence?" Is it affected by the rise and fall +of the advertisement columns? State the difference between "News +Specially Communicated" and a puff paragraph. + +9. Give the statistics (if you are able) of the number of aspirants to +Journalism who have risen and fallen. Show that a small certainty in +the City is better than an occasional ten-pound note earned in Fleet +Street. + +10. Write an essay upon the subject that Journalism is better as a +stick than a crutch, and show that it is useless to take up your pen +if you have not already provided (from other sources) for the payment +of your butcher's book. + + * * * * * + +TO FOOTBALL. + + Farewell to thee, Cricket, + Thy last match is o'er; + Thy bat, ball, and wicket, + Are needed no more. + To thy sister we turn, + For her coming we pray: + Her worshippers burn + For the heat of the fray. + + Hail! Goddess of battle, + Yet hated of Ma(r)s, + How ceaseless their tattle + Of tumbles and scars! + Such warnings are vain, + For thy rites we prepare, + Youth is yearning again + In thy perils to share. + + Broken limbs and black eyes, + May, perchance, be our lot; + But grant goals and ties + And we care not a jot. + Too sacred to name + With thy posts, ball, and field, + There is no winter game + To which thou canst yield. + + * * * * * + +NEW TRANSLATION--"VERY CHOICE ITALIAN,"--"_Sotto voce_;" i.e., in a +drunken tone of voice. + + * * * * * + +AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE! + +_BEING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER OF DRURY LANE._ + +CHAPTER I.--_THE TEA-URN OF THE HUNTER._ + +SIR JOHN HENRY NEVILLE WOODMERE was the most considerate of men, and +he had a very considerate family, and a large circle of considerate +acquaintances. He was obliging to the last degree, Among those he +knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of gratitude (for they had +furnished him with an old family mansion, a stud of racers, and passes +for himself and circle to Paris) were AUGUSTE LE GRAND, and HENRI LE +PETTITT. + +[Illustration: Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great +Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up.] + +"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming. She has been +well brought up, and has the finest sentiments; but it is necessary +that she should run away to Paris, and dodge the parson. Otherwise, +how could she be called _The Prodigal Daughter_?" + +Sir JOHN saw the force of this reasoning, and consented. + +"And stay," said AUGUSTE, "we must really have a good set, and you +must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a breakfast, and all +of you must wear hunting-coats. And look here, we can't do without +flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open windows." + +"But," objected Sir JOHN, "if I am going a fox-hunting, surely it +should be in the winter or spring. And how about the flowers?" + +"You have got them from Nice," replied AUGUSTE. + +So it was thus arranged. Sir JOHN's daughter, who was called ROSE +MILLWARD WOODMERE, eloped and broke her father's heart. + +"But," exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a horse that +was waiting for him on the lawn amongst the flower-beds, "although my +heart is breaking, I will show the world I am a true English gentleman +by starting off to head the chace!" + +And he said this out of consideration for AUGUSTE and HENRI, because +he knew they wanted what is technically known as a Curtain. And by +this means he gave them one. And a good one too. + +CHAPTER II.--_A LITTLE TRIP TO PARIS._ + +And then Sir JOHN and all his considerate family and acquaintances +went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hotel, which seemed to have been +surrendered to them (at convenient times) for their special use. Sir +JOHN was accompanied by a most useful villain, who showed the depth of +his depravity by wearing a moustache of the deepest dye. So that this +depth might be better known, he called himself DEEPWATER. + +"Sir JOHN," said this villain, "your daughter has come to Paris with +Captain HARRY VERNON, and you should trounce him." + +"I will," replied Sir JOHN, heartily; "but surely I have seen my +daughter, and my niece, and Captain HARRY BOYNE VERNON, and the Hon. +JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD, and Lord HARRY NICHOLLS BANBERRY (a comic +Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress), and DUDLEY J.L. SHINE +ROPER, a wicked but amusing Hebrew, hanging about. Cannot we meet for +two minutes, and set everything to-rights?" + +"My dear Sir JOHN," returned MAURICE FERNANDEZ DEEPWATER, "pray +consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met together for +two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be settled. But then I +am distinctly under the impression that AUGUSTE LE GRAND and HENRI LE +PETTITT would be confoundedly annoyed." + +"Oh," exclaimed Sir JOHN, "if you think _they_ would be annoyed, do +not say another word about it!" + +So the various characters gave one another a clear berth, and missed +each other at the nick of time. + +But after awhile ROSE was left alone with the Hon. JULIAN BELFORD. + +"It is not very clear to me why we haven't married," said he. + +"Nor to me either!" she replied. "We dawdled a bit, and I daresay put +it off because what one knows can be done at any moment is often not +done at all." + +"Well, hadn't we better go to the British Embassy?" + +"Why, yes." she replied, with some hesitation; "but I really think +you had better say you will marry my cousin. I fancy it would please +AUGUSTE and HENRI." + +"Anything to oblige them," returned the Hon. JULIAN. + +"That being settled, please leave me, as I have to fall in a dead +faint--must get an effective Curtain, you know!" + +The HON. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD nodded his head, and then ROSE MILLWARD +WOODMERE fainted--with the desired result. + +CHAPTER III.--_CACKLE_ V. _'OSSES. THE FAVOURITE WINS._ + +And now Sir JOHN and his considerate circle had come to England, and +were close to Liverpool. + +"My dear people," said HENRI, "never mind your love-making, never mind +your plot, leave it to AUGUSTE, and he will pull you through." + +And HENRI was quite right. AUGUSTE went to work with a will, and did +pull them through. He took them to the Grand National Steeple Chace, +and showed them and all the world a sight the like of which they had +never seen before. There were real horses, real touts, and a real +winner. Oh, how it went! It was magnificent! And, before this great +race, AUGUSTE (helped by HENRI this time) showed a training-stable, +and how a favourite can be nobbled. It didn't in the least matter +why it was done, or where it was done. It was a lovely sight to see +somebody or other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked +them, and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On +the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient vigour +to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane, with a trot +to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, perhaps to the old +quarters, up to Easter. + +[Illustration: Oss-tentation; or, "Giving him Beans."] + +"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE. "_Voluptuary_ +will carry the whole of us--Authors, Managers, and Actors--to +victory!" And he was right--_Voluptuary_ did carry them to success--a +gigantic one. + +CHAPTER IV.--_THE MEANS JUSTIFY THE END._ + +And Sir JOHN and his considerate circle acted up to their principles +to the very end. + +"ROSE, come to my arms!" said he, to his child; "you have +been prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and +conciliation." + +"Then may we marry?" asked the Hon. JULIAN. + +"Certainly!" was the reply. + +And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted for. + +"Are you contented?" asked Sir JOHN, of AUGUSTE and HENRI. + +"How does it end?" was the answer, taking the shape of a question. + +"Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the Public +generally." + +And AUGUSTE, HENRI, _Box_ and _Cox_, and in fact everybody who was +anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they should be. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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