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diff --git a/15439-h/15439-h.htm b/15439-h/15439-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7b8accf --- /dev/null +++ b/15439-h/15439-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2576 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 1, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 1, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 22, 2005 [eBook #15439]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 1, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 1, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <h2>"STUMPED!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A would-be laudatory Ode.<br /> + By Jingle Junior.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The young Indian Gentleman, Mr. H. RANJITSINHJI, has + "secured his century" at Cricket no less than eleven times + this season.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O H.S. RANJIT—(spelling a wild venture + is!)</p> + + <p>Wielder of willow, runner-up of "centuries"!</p> + + <p>What's in a name? A name like RANJITSIN—</p> + + <p>(<i>Can't</i> finish it, was foolish to begin!)</p> + + <p>How many miles was it you ran, O RAN—</p> + + <p>(Bowled out again. Am sorry I began!)</p> + + <p>In running out those hundreds, + RANJITSINGHJ—</p> + + <p>(A man were a patched fool, a perfect ninny,</p> + + <p>Who'd try to spell that name, Ask <i>Bully + Bottom!</i>)</p> + + <p>With such a name to carry, how you got 'em,</p> + + <p>O RANJ—(that sounds like Orange!)—those + same "notches"</p> + + <p>Is quite a wonder. Were they "bowls" or + "cotches"</p> + + <p>That got you out at last, those times eleven?</p> + + <p>(Where is GRACE now? He has not scored <i>one</i> + even,</p> + + <p>This season, though as close as ninety-nine to + it.)</p> + + <p>Applause has greeted you; let me add mine to it,</p> + + <p>O RAN-JIT-SIN-HJI! (Those last three letters</p> + + <p>What <i>do</i> they spell?) Orthography's cold + fetters</p> + + <p>Shan't chill my admiration, smart young Hindoo!</p> + + <p>Say, did you smite a sixer through a window,</p> + + <p>Like Slogger THORNTON in <i>his</i> boyish + prime,</p> + + <p>O RANJITSINHJI? Got it this time!</p> + + <p>That is, it <i>spelt</i> all right. E'en + admiration</p> + + <p>Shan't tempt me to attempt <i>pronunciation</i>!</p> + + <p>Eleven centuries we to Indian skill owe!</p> + + <p>Will the East lick the West at its own "Willow?"</p> + + <p>Here's luck to India and young RAN—Och, + murther!</p> + + <p>RAN-JIT-SIN-SIN—How's that! <i>Out</i>? Can't + get further!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"OH NO, WE NEVER MENTION IT."—The KENDALS have got a + Play by a young American Author with the very uncompromising + name of DAM. He, or his Play, may be Dam good, or just the + reverse: still, if he does turn out to be the "big, big D," + then all the Dam family, such as Amsterdam, Rotterdam, + Schiedam, and so forth, will be real proud of him. Future Dams + will revere him as their worthy ancestral sire, and American + Dam may become naturalised among us (we have a lot of English + ones quite a <i>spécialité</i> in that line, so the French + say), and become Dam-nationalised. What fame if the piece is + successful, and DAM is on every tongue! So will it be too, if + unsuccessful. Englishmen will welcome the new American + playright with the name unmentionable to ears polite, and will + recognise in him, as <i>the</i> Dam <i>par excellence</i>, + their brother, as one of the uncommon descendants of A-DAM. By + the way, the appropriate night for its production would be + Christmas Eve. Fancy the cries all over the House, calling for + the successful Author!!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/145.png" + alt="IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE." /></a> + + <h3>IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE.</h3> + + <p>"COME UNDER THE UMBRELLA, JACK, IT'S BEGUN TO RAIN, AND + YOU'LL CATCH COLD, AND MAMMA'LL BE VEXED!"</p> + + <p>"POOH! AS IF SALT WATER EVER GAVE ONE COLD!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"PUNSCH"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>In the Reading-room of the Bernerhof.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Although thy name is wrongly spelt</p> + + <p>Upon thy case, what joy I felt</p> + + <p>To find a place where thou hast dwelt,</p> + + <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet wit and wisdom, even thine,</p> + + <p>Can't wake up Berne, where folks supine</p> + + <p>All go to bed at half-past nine,</p> + + <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What art or jokes could entertain,</p> + + <p>Such sleepy people? True, they feign</p> + + <p>It's later, for they say "<i>halb zehn</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My German "<i>Punsch</i>," what gender thine?</p> + + <p>They who accept, likewise decline,</p> + + <p>"<i>Das Weib</i>" might feminine assign—</p> + + <p class="i10">Die Punsch!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No matter which, if I behold</p> + + <p>Thy pages, worth their weight in gold—</p> + + <p>It's true they're more than three weeks old,</p> + + <p class="i10">My Punsch!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>AN ODD FELLOW OUT.—The Church-breaking thief + (<i>vide</i> the <i>Standard's</i> provincial news) who was + arrested at Oswestry (fitting that a Church-thief should have + been arrested by Os-Westry-men—which sounds like a body + of mounted ecclesiastical police), explained that he was a + "monumental mason of Dublin." Perhaps the Jury will find him + monu-mentally deranged.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HEALTH AND HOPPINESS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[It is reported that the latest move is for ladies to + combine profit and pleasure by going "hopping."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair Woman longs for novelty,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her daily task is apt to cloy her,</p> + + <p>The pastimes that were wont to be</p> + + <p class="i2">Diverting now do but annoy her.</p> + + <p>The common joys of life are spent</p> + + <p class="i2">So tired of tennis, shooting, + shopping,</p> + + <p>She turns in her despair to Kent,</p> + + <p class="i2">And tries her 'prentice hand at + hopping.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now girls whom you would scarce believe</p> + + <p class="i2">Would not turn up their nose at + soiling</p> + + <p>Their dainty hands, to dewy eve</p> + + <p class="i2">From early morn keep ever toiling.</p> + + <p>There's ETHEL of the golden hair</p> + + <p class="i2">Who flutters through existence gaily</p> + + <p>(Her father is a millionnaire),</p> + + <p class="i2">Hops hard and does her twelve hours + daily.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then pretty MAUD, with laughing eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who hardly knew what daily wage + meant,</p> + + <p>To everybody's great surprise</p> + + <p class="i2">Proceeds to cut this, that + engagement.</p> + + <p>Amid the vines she daily goes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And picks till weary fingers tingle,</p> + + <p>The sweetest music now she knows</p> + + <p class="i2">Is hearing hard-earned sovereigns + jingle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This latest move, it's very true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Appears to be a rather rum thing,</p> + + <p>But yet for idle hands to do</p> + + <p class="i2">We know that Someone will find + something.</p> + + <p>Will fashionable hopping last?</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, this it's safe to lay your cash + on,</p> + + <p>Before another year has passed</p> + + <p class="i2">There'll be another female fashion.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>VIVE LA RAIN DU BALLET À L'ALHAMBRA!—"Certainly," says + MR. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD, "Ve've la rain. It comes pouring down on + the stage, and the people come pouring in to see it. I + suppose," says he, "they'll now call me 'The Wetter'un?" The + ballet is very effective, not a drop too much, and "not a drop + in the business" in front of the house, though there is, as is + evident, on the stage. If Manager JOHN liked to quote + SHAKSPEARE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might + say, "With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it + raineth every night!" For some time to come this show will be + the raining favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the + <i>Sheffield Telegraph</i>, describing the alterations and + improvements in front at the Alhambra, wrote—"The ceiling + has been bevelled with porous plasters so as to hide the + girders." We know that hand:—it's Our "Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM," + and she "comes from Sheffield." However, "porous plasters" + would be another attraction at the Alhambra, or anywhere, as + they certainly ought to <i>draw</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>Unlucky Leicester was even more unlucky than usual—and + when the big race was run last Wednesday, so thick was the + rain, that the horses could only be seen for the last half + mile! Of course this made all the difference to the horse I + selected—<i>Windgall</i>—who finished + second;—as he only gives his <i>best</i> performances + <i>in public</i>, and as he doubtless <i>knew he couldn't be + seen</i>, he thought it was only a private trial until he got + close home, when his gallant effort was too late to be of any + use!—at least, this is how <i>I</i> read the result of + the race, and who can know more about a horse than the + racing-prophet, I should like to know?</p> + + <p>I was told by Sir WALTER GREENINGTON, that the public + "tumbled over each other" to back <i>Breach</i>, but I must say + I didn't notice anything of the sort, and it was not the kind + of day anyone would choose for a roll on the turf, the state of + which was detrimental to any kind of <i>Breach</i>!—The + believers in "coincidences"—(of which I need hardly say + <i>I</i> am one—a coincidence being a truly feminine + reason for backing a horse)—had no option but to back the + winner, <i>Rusticus</i>; as he drew the same berth he occupied + in last year's race, which he alsop—(I mean + also)—won for Mr. HAMAR BASS!—<i>Stuart</i> was a + great eleventh hour tip—(why <i>eleventh</i> hour I + wonder?—more than any other—and who fixes the + precise moment when the <i>eleventh</i> hour + commences?)—but history tells us the STUARTS were mostly + unreliable; and though I am told he ran a "great horse"—I + thought him rather on the small side myself!</p> + + <p>I hear that Mr. LEONARD BOYNE has received a "licence to + ride" from the Jockey Club, and that his ambition is to ride + the winner of the "Grand National"—to which end he has + started "schooling" a well-known chaser over the private + training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to Sir AUGUSTUS + HARRIS—if he hopes to escape observation by training at + night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the + evening, I went to witness this "new departure" in training, I + found most of the London racing-touts present, with the + inevitable field-glasses!</p> + + <p>Next week sees us once more at our beloved Newmarket First + October—(this is a Jockey-Club joke, as the meeting + <i>always</i> takes place in <i>September</i>! But what does a + little paradox of this kind matter to such an <i>August</i> + body!)—and I shall append my selection for the most + important race of Wednesday, but I also wish to give a hint to + the "Worldly Wise" not to miss the October Handicap, or the + match, for which <i>Buccaneer</i> will be favourite at the + "fall of the flag!"—(The flag may <i>fall</i>, but such a + <i>Buccaneer</i> as this is will never "strike his flag" I feel + sure!) Being absolutely overloaded with prophecy, I must also + have a word to say on the Rutland Plate, which + aristocratically-named race could only be won by the + aristocratically-named <i>Buckingham</i>!—Yours + devotedly, LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Great-Eastern Railway Handicap + Selection:—</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though good his chance to win the prize,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Lord HENRY" soon detected,</p> + + <p>That greatest danger would arise,</p> + + <p class="i2">From Colonel NORTH's + "<i>Selected.</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/146.png" + alt="'THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES.'" /></a> + + <h3>"THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES."</h3> + + <p>"On July 4th, Lieutenant PEARY, in his great sledge + journey, commenced on May 15th last, in Greenland, came on + a glacier which he named The Academy + Glacier."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>SWORD AND PEN.</h3> + + <h4>A FABLE.</h4> + + <h4>(<i>Translated from the Russo-French.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Pen was a busy personage. He was flying from place to place, + and had much importance. He was pompous and mysterious, and + puzzled many people. Pen was accompanied by a sheet of paper + that he called Treaty. Pen took Treaty everywhere. To Russia, + to France, to Rome, and to Turkey. No one knew exactly what + Treaty was like. Pen said he was satisfied with Treaty, and as + Pen and Treaty were such constant companions, Pen's word on the + subject was accepted as authentic.</p> + + <p>But one fine day there was a breeze, and Treaty was blown + away by the wind.</p> + + <p>"Can I not assist?" asked Pen. "Things seem to have gone + wrong."</p> + + <p>"No, thanks," replied Sword, grimly; "when it comes to close + quarters, we find ink not quite so useful as gunpowder!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTION FOR AN OUTSIDE ADVERTISEMENT TO BE DISPLAYED AT + THE DOOR OF THE STRAND THEATER.—"<i>Niobe</i> all tiers" + (full).</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Brief Interview.</h3> + + <p>"And," asked our deferential Interviewer, "what did your + Lordship reply to the deputation about Uganda?"</p> + + <p>Lord ROSEBERY at once answered, "I said little, but + I—"</p> + + <p>"<i>Ment-more</i>," interrupted the Private Secretary, + sticking a label on his Lordship's travelling bag.</p> + + <p>"Quite so," said Lord ROSEBERY, and off he went.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BAD FOR WOULD-BE "ENGLISH WIVES"—It is reported that + "Yankee Girls and American Belles were the feature of the + Miscellaneous Market." This should put our young men on their + mettle—tin, of course, for choice. No reasonable offer + refused.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/147-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147-1.png" + alt="'HOW IT'S DONE!'" /></a> + + <h3>"HOW IT'S DONE!"</h3>(<i>Hard on Sketchley, who was + there at the time and in the thick of it, and has just had + his Picture photographed.</i>)<br /> + "OH! MR. SKETCHLEY, HOW CLEVER OF YOU TO PAINT SUCH A + LARGE PICTURE FROM SUCH A SMALL PHOTOGRAPH!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LAYS OF MODERN HOME.</h2> + + <h3>No. V.—MY BUTTONS!</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/147-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It wasn't that he blacked the plate</p> + + <p class="i2">And rouged the boots, and breathed, + half-choking,</p> + + <p>Half-snorting, when he leaned to wait;</p> + + <p class="i2">Although these habits <i>are</i> + provoking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It wasn't that he sang his fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Although his mouth with food was + giving;</p> + + <p>This latter, as a feat of skill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Might have procured the lad a living.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It wasn't that he'd purchase hosts</p> + + <p class="i2">Of squibs and sweets to mess the + pantry;</p> + + <p>That horrid boy, and broomstick-ghosts</p> + + <p class="i2">On timid JANE would oft, and ANN try.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These petty peccadilloes might</p> + + <p class="i2">Have all improved with careful + training.—</p> + + <p>It was his shameless appetite</p> + + <p class="i2">That gave us cause for most + complaining.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He swilled and stuffed as never mere</p> + + <p class="i2">Adult voracity can own to;</p> + + <p>He was a "growing boy," I fear;</p> + + <p class="i2">I wonder much what he has grown to!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He wore away our forks and spoons</p> + + <p class="i2">With hard, incessant gormandizing;</p> + + <p>The Baker's, and, for some blue moons,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Milkman's bill were quite + surprising.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/147-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He cost us more in Butcher's meat</p> + + <p class="i2">And Grocer's tea, and things from + Cutlers,</p> + + <p>He cost, I solemnly repeat,</p> + + <p class="i2">Far more than two or three big + Butlers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And thus his fat increased until't</p> + + <p class="i2">Became a show that sight bewilders;</p> + + <p>We trembled for our mansion built,</p> + + <p class="i2">You see, by noted Jerry-builders.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At length (you'll scarce the fact believe)</p> + + <p class="i2">One evening, as we sat at dinner,</p> + + <p>And strove our senses to deceive</p> + + <p class="i2">By just imagining him thinner;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We heard a crack, a burst, a groan,</p> + + <p class="i2">We felt a broadside round us + battered,</p> + + <p>We <i>saw</i> his buttons fiercely blown</p> + + <p class="i2">About our heads, and piecemeal + scattered!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The suit had split; the boy was bare</p> + + <p class="i2">Of clothes designed to last for ages;</p> + + <p>We gave him notice then and there—</p> + + <p class="i2">This <i>volume</i>, so to speak, of + pages!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SONG TO BE SUNG IN HAYMARKET ORCHESTRA DURING + OVERTURE.—"Oh, why should we wait till to-morrow? See + <i>Queen of Manoa</i> to-night!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <h2>ON A GUERNSEY EXCURSION CAR.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with + Excursionists on pleasure bent, is toiling up the steep + streets of St. Peter Port, when it comes to a sudden + halt.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/148.png" + alt="'Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression.'" /> + </a>"Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression." + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Excursionists</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Now then, + what's this? What are we stopping here for?</p> + + <p><i>The Driver</i>. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will + thoroughly understand that it is customary for the car to + stop here, in order that the party may be photographed, + thus providing an agreeable souvenir of the trip, and a + useful means of identification at Scotland Yard. (<i>A</i> + Photographer <i>appears in the road with a camera, and the + party prepare themselves for perpetuation in a pleased + flutter</i>.) P'raps, Sir—(<i>to a</i> Mild Man <i>on + the box-seat</i>)—you'd like to be taken 'andling the + ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Mild Man <i>accepts the reins, and + endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey + expression.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Timid Lady</i> (<i>behind</i>). I <i>do</i> hope no + Gentleman will take the reins, unless he is thoroughly + accustomed to driving four-in-hand. Suppose they took it + into their heads to run away suddenly!</p> + + <p><i>Driver</i> (<i>solemnly</i>). Don't you alarm + yourself about that, Ma'am, in the very slightest degree. + These 'osses take that pride in themselves, they'd stop + here all day rather than spoil their own likenesses!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> M.M. <i>intimates that he is no novice in + the art of driving, which is fairly true as regards a + pony-trap—and the fears of the</i> T.L. <i>are + allayed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Photographer</i>. Now, steady all, please, those at + the further ends of the seats stand up so as to come into + the picture, a little more to the right, please, the + gentleman in the straw 'at, turn your 'ead a trifle more + towards the camera, the lady in the pink + shirt,—that's better. Better take off your + spectacles, Sir. Now then—are you ready?</p> + + <p><i>A Comic Exc.</i> 'Old on a bit—I've a fly on my + nose.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Some of the party giggle; the photograph is + successfully taken, and the car proceeds.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Driver</i>. On your left, Ladies and Gentlemen, + you have the Prison—the cheapest Hotel in the Island + for parties who intend making a protracted stay here. On + our right we are now passing "Paradise." You will observe + that someone has 'ung his 'at and coat up at the entrance, + not being certain of getting in. Notice the tree in + front—the finest specimen on the island of the good + old Guernsey hoak.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He keeps turning from time to time to address these + instructive remarks to the passengers behind him.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Timid Lady.</i> I wish he wouldn't talk so much, + and look more where he is going—we're <i>much</i> too + near the hedge!</p> + + <p><i>Driver</i> (<i>standing up, and turning his back on + the horses, as they trot on</i>). Ladies and Gentlemen, you + will all thoroughly understand that the roads in this + Island are narrow. Consequently, you must look after the + branches and briars yourselves. I've enough to do to look + after my 'orses, I assure you, and it looks bad to see 'ats + and bonnets decorating the 'edges after the car has passed. + (<i>Some of the Excursionists look at one another + uneasily.</i>) The glass-'ouses you see in such quantities, + are employed in the production of early grapes and tomators + for the London Market. This Island alone exports + annually—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here the car rounds a corner rather sharply, and he + sits down again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Mild Man (with a</i> Mild Man's <i>thirst for + information</i>). What are those buildings over there with + the chimney?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here he is conscious of being furtively prodded in + the back—but decides to take no notice.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Driver</i> (<i>rising as before</i>). Those + buildings, Ladies and Gentlemen, are Chemical works for + extracting iodine from seaweed. The seaweed, after being + dried, is then boiled, and from the ash—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here the</i> Mild Man, <i>who has been listening + with much interest, is startled by receiving a folded piece + of paper, which it passed up to him from behind.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>to himself, as he reads the + message</i>). "Keep the Driver quiet. He is drunk." Good + Gracious! I never noticed—and yet—dear me, I + hope they don't expect <i>me</i> to interfere!</p> + + <p><i>The Timid Lady</i> (<i>to the</i> Driver). For + goodness sake never mind about iodine now—sit down + and attend to your driving, like a good man!</p> + + <p><i>Driver</i>. You will thoroughly understand, my horses + require <i>no</i> attention. (<i>Sleepily.</i>) No + attention whatever. I assure you I am perfectly competent + to drive this car and give you information going along at + the same time. (<i>The car takes another corner rather + abruptly.</i>) Simply matter of habit. (<i>Gravely.</i>) + Matter'f habit!</p> + + <p><i>A Serious Exc.</i> (<i>in an undertone.</i>) A very + <i>bad</i> habit, I'm afraid. It's really time somebody + else took the reins from him!</p> + + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>overhearing</i>). I'm afraid they + mean me—I wish now I'd never touched the reins at + all!</p> + + <p><i>Driver</i>. The Church we are now coming to, is St. + Martin's, built in the year eleven 'undred.</p> + + <p><i>A Female Exc.</i> (<i>critically</i>). It <i>has</i> + got an old-fashioned look about it, certainly.</p> + + <p><i>A Male Exc.</i> There's nothing to see inside of + these old churches. I went in one the other day, and I was + looking up at the rafters, and I saw a sort o' picture + there, and I said, "Ullo—they've been advertising + Pears' Soap here, or something." But when I looked again, + it was only an old fresco. I was so little interested I + walked out without tipping the Verger!</p> + + <p><i>The Female Exc.</i> That Church we went to on Sunday + evening is very old.</p> + + <p><i>Her Comp.</i> Is it? How do you know?</p> + + <p><i>The F.E.</i> Why, my dress was covered with bits of + fluff out of the hassock!</p> + + <p><i>Driver.</i> The carved stone figure you see by the + gate, is supposed to be a portrait of Julius Cæsar's + Grandmother, and very like the old lady. (<i>The</i> + Excursionists <i>nearest him smile in a sickly way, to + avoid hurting his feelings, as the car moves on—to + halt once more at Icart Point.</i>) It is customary to + alight here and go round the point, and I can assure you, + Ladies and Gentlemen, the scenery is well worth your + inspection and will give you a little idea of what the + Island <i>is</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Excursionists</i> (<i>taking advantage of the + opportunity to discuss the situation</i>). I noticed it the + minute I set eyes on him—he never ought to have been + sent out like this ... He's been to a wedding this morning, + so I heard, and it's upset him a little, that's all ... + Upset <i>him</i>—we're lucky if he doesn't upset + <i>us</i>. What a fidget you are! I shan't take <i>you</i> + into Switzerland next year, if you're like this... If + Switzerland's full of a lot of drunken men, I don't want to + go... Well, what had we better <i>do</i> about it? Perhaps + <i>this</i> gentleman would—Oh, no, I couldn't take + the responsibility, really, not without knowing the way. + Well, we can't <i>walk</i> back, that's certain—we + must trust to luck, that's all! Pretty bit of the coast you + get here ... Oh, don't talk about the scenery <i>now</i>, + when, for all we know!—&c., &c.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The car starts again, and presently arrives at a + winding and precipitous road leading down to Petit Bot Bay, + where the</i> Driver <i>again rises with his back to the + horses, and proceeds to address the</i> Excursionists <i>, + as they sit paralysed with horror.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Driver</i>. Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point I + shall explain the scenery. (<i>The</i> Timid Lady + <i>protests that she is content to leave the scenery + unexplained.</i>) Pardon me, this is a portion of the + scenery—(<i>Here his eyes close and reopen with an + effort</i>)—a portion of the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" + id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> scenery that can only + be properly enjoyed coming out on one of these cars. If + you go out with ordinary drivers, they take you along + the main roads, and you come away fancying you've seen + the Island. Now the advantage of coming along with + <i>me</i>—(<i>His eyes close once + more—the</i> Excursionists <i>implore him to + attend to his team</i>.) You will thoroughly understand + there is not the slightest cause to apprehend any + danger. I've driven this car fifteen years without least + accident—up to <i>present</i>. So you can devote + your whole attention to the scenery, without needing to + keep an eye upon the Driver. (<i>He points to the + abyss</i>.) That is the <i>shortest</i> way + down—on this occasion, however, I shall endeavour + <i>not</i> to take it. (<i>He whips up his horses, and + accomplishes the descent at a brisk pace</i>.) There, + didn't I <i>tell</i> you there wouldn't be no accident? + Very <i>well</i>, then. P'rhaps you'll believe me + another time!</p> + + <p><i>Mild Man</i> (<i>alighting at Hotel for + luncheon</i>). We've had a remarkably lucky escape—I + never felt more thankful in my life!</p> + + <p><i>A Gloomy Exc.</i> Don't you be in too great a hurry, + Sir! We've got to get <i>back</i>—and he's bound to + be worse after he's had his lunch!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> M.M.'s <i>appetite for lobster is entirely + destroyed by this sinister prediction; but whether the</i> + Driver <i>has been unjustly maligned, or whether he has + sobered himself in the interval—he reappears in a + more sedentary, and less discursive mood, and the journey + home proves agreeably devoid of sensation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>SIMPLE STORIES.</h2> + + <center> + "Be always kind to animals wherever you may be." + </center> + + <h3>RUBY AND THE ROOK.</h3> + + <p>RUBY, although she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty + and clever girl.</p> + + <p>But, like many pretty and clever little ladies, she was + sometimes very naughty. When she was good, she was as good as + gold, but when she was naughty, she was as naughty as + pinchbeck.</p> + + <p>The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning, + it happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothing would + please her—she was cross with her governess at breakfast, + she quarrelled with her bread-and-milk; and even when her + favourite tame Rook, Cawcus, came hopping on her shoulder, she + refused to give it anything to eat, but hit it on the beak with + her spoon.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/149-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Miss DUMBELL was very much grieved at the way in which her + pupil lolled in her chair, gave sullen answers, and put flies + in the milk-jug, and pinched the cat's tail. "Mind, RUBY," said + Miss DUMBELL, "at eleven o'clock I shall expect you in the + school-room with that page of French phrases quite perfect." + RUBY's eyes flashed as she went out of the room; she pouted, + she swung her skirts, and shook her shoulders, so that even + Miss DUMBELL, the most patient and kindest of governesses, + quite longed to slap her.</p> + + <p>RUBY went to the school-room; she immediately flung the + French phrase-book from one end of the room to the other. She + took some story-books, and a little basket full of apples, + bath-buns and "three-corners," and ran down to a little + plantation called the Wilderness, at the bottom of the garden. + She selected one of the tallest elms, and as she could climb + like a kitten, she was soon at the top of it, quite hidden from + view among the leaves.</p> + + <p>"So much for old DUMMY and her French phrases!" said the + naughty girl, as she settled herself in a comfortable position + and brought out her story-book. The stable-clock had struck + twelve, and she heard her name called in all directions, by + JORGINS, the gardener, BRILLIT, the buttons, and long-suffering + Miss DUMBELL. They could not find her anywhere, and her Most + Serene Naughtiness sat screened by the leaves and shook with + laughter.</p> + + <p>Presently "Cawcus," her pet Rook, came fluttering amid the + leaves, and began to caw. RUBY offered him bits of Bath bun, + and even a whole three-corner, in order to keep him quiet.</p> + + <p>But he remembered his treatment at breakfast, and refused + all these bribes with scorn. He declined to be petted, he + continued to hover over the tree, and circle around it, giving + vent to the most discordant shrieks. Presently she heard the + clear measured tones of her Mamma's voice saying, "RUBY, come + down at once. I know you are up in the elm." Cawcus, whom she + had maltreated, had betrayed her hiding-place.</p> + + <p>RUBY dared not disobey. Quite subdued, and with garments + grievously greened, she descended. Mamma took her little + daughter indoors, and improved the occasion. RUBY eventually + appeared, with tears in her eyes, and subsequently apologised + to her governess, recited the page of French phrases without a + mistake, and promised to be a good girl. Though she sometimes + forgot herself, and was rude to Miss DUMBELL afterwards, she + never failed to treat Cawcus the Rook with most profound + consideration and reverence.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MELENDA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Set of Verses accompanying a Photograph.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/149-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember—do you?—the remarkable sky + light</p> + + <p class="i2">That flooded the heavens one evening in + May,</p> + + <p>How together we talked <i>tête-à-tête</i> in the + twilight,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the glow of the sunset had faded + away.</p> + + <p>Then you showed me your album. I looked at its + pages.</p> + + <p class="i2">With yourself as my guide and companion + went through</p> + + <p>Its contents—there were people of all sorts + and ages,</p> + + <p class="i2">But the portrait I fancied the most + was—of you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And you saw that I did. Which perhaps was the + reason</p> + + <p class="i2">Of your "No!" when I asked "May I have + it?" You swore</p> + + <p>You were going to be shot at the close of the + season,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you couldn't spare that, as there + weren't any more.</p> + + <p>But at length I prevailed, or at least you + relented,</p> + + <p class="i2">After ever so many excuses—in + fine</p> + + <p>We agreed to a compact, you only consented</p> + + <p class="i2">On condition I gave you a portrait of + mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, I promised, of course. And I write you these + verses</p> + + <p class="i2">With your face—you'll forgive + me—quite close to my own.</p> + + <p>There's a charm in your look that completely + disperses</p> + + <p class="i2">All my cares in a way that is yours, + dear, alone.</p> + + <p>And although I am pleased, since I won in the + end—a</p> + + <p class="i2">More ridiculous bargain has never, I + vow,</p> + + <p>Been arranged than a picture of pretty MELENDA,</p> + + <p class="i2">In exchange for the photograph sent to + you now.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We did not meet again through some horrible + blunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which a merciless Fate must be asked to + explain,</p> + + <p>And I sometimes sit smoking, and wearily wonder</p> + + <p class="i2">If I ever <i>am</i> destined to see you + again.</p> + + <p>Yet wherever the future may possibly find you,</p> + + <p class="i2">To this final request do not answer me + Nay,</p> + + <p>When I ask that this gift of myself may remind + you</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the friend who was with you that + evening in May.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" + id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/150.png" + alt="BREAKING THE ICE." /></a> + + <h3>BREAKING THE ICE.</h3>SCENE—<i>Public + Drawing-room of Hotel in the Engadine.</i> + + <p><i>The Hon. Mrs. Snebbington</i> (<i>to Fair + Stranger</i>), "ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE SO UNSOCIABLE, AND NEVER + SPEAK TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION. I ALWAYS MAKE + A POINT OF BEING FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE STAYING AT THE SAME + HOTEL. ONE NEED NEVER KNOW THEM AFTERWARDS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVANCING YEARS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>How it strikes a Contemporary.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Owing to advancing years, Mr. —— has been + compelled to resign his position as ——" + <i>Extract from any Daily Paper</i>."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Advancing years! It cannot be.</p> + + <p class="i2">What, JACK, the boy I've known—God + bless me!</p> + + <p>Why yes, it was in '43</p> + + <p class="i2">That first we met, and—since you + press me—</p> + + <p>The time has sped without my knowledge,</p> + + <p class="i2">That's close on fifty years ago;</p> + + <p>Like some deep river's silent flow,</p> + + <p class="i2">Since JACK and I first met at + College.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas on a cloudy Autumn day.</p> + + <p class="i2">Fast fading into misty twilight;</p> + + <p>The freshmen, as they trooped to pray,</p> + + <p class="i2">Stepped bolder in the evening's shy + light.</p> + + <p>As yet we did not break the rules</p> + + <p class="i2">In which the College deans immesh + men,</p> + + <p>We fledglings from a score of schools,</p> + + <p class="i2">That far October's brood of freshmen.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Like one who starts upon a race,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Chaplain through the service + scurried.</p> + + <p>From prayer to prayer he sped apace;</p> + + <p class="i2">I marked him less the more he + hurried.</p> + + <p>My prayer-book fell—my neighbour smiled;</p> + + <p class="i2">Reversing NEWTON with the apple,</p> + + <p>I, by that neighbour's eye beguiled,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quite lost my gravity in chapel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so we smiled. I see him still,</p> + + <p class="i2">Blue eyes, where darting gleams of fun + shine,</p> + + <p>A smile like some translucent rill</p> + + <p class="i2">That sparkles in the summer sunshine,</p> + + <p>A manly mien, and unafraid,</p> + + <p class="i2">Crisp hair, fair face, and square-set + shoulders,</p> + + <p>That made him on the King's Parade</p> + + <p class="i2">The cynosure of all beholders.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And from this slight irreverence,</p> + + <p class="i2">Too small, I hope, to waste your blame + on,</p> + + <p>We grew, in quite a Cambridge sense,</p> + + <p class="i2">A sort of PYTHIAS and DAMON.</p> + + <p>Together "kept," together broke</p> + + <p class="i2">Laws framed by elderly Draconians,</p> + + <p>And I was six, and JACK was stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">That famous night we bumped the + Johnians.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How strong he was, how fleet of foot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ye bull-dogs witness, and ye + Proctors;</p> + + <p>How bright his jests, how aptly put</p> + + <p class="i2">His scorn of duns, and Dons, and + Doctors.</p> + + <p>We laughed at care, read now and then—</p> + + <p class="i2">Though vexed by EUCLID on the same + bridge—</p> + + <p>Ah, men in those great days were men</p> + + <p class="i2">When JACK and I wore gowns at + Cambridge.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We paid our fines, we paid our fees,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, though the Dons seemed + stony-hearted,</p> + + <p>We both got very fair degrees,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then, like other friends, we + parted.</p> + + <p>And when we said good-bye at last</p> + + <p class="i2">I vowed through life to be his + brother—</p> + + <p>And more than forty years have passed</p> + + <p class="i2">Since each set eyes upon the other.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so through all these changing years</p> + + <p class="i2">With all their thousand changing + faces,</p> + + <p>Their failures, hopes, successes, fears,</p> + + <p class="i2">In half a hundred different places,</p> + + <p>JACK still has been the same to me,</p> + + <p class="i2">As bright within my memory's fair + book</p> + + <p>As when we met in '43,</p> + + <p class="i2">And smiled about that fallen + prayer-book.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah well, the moments swiftly stream</p> + + <p class="i2">Unheeded through the upturned + hour-glass;</p> + + <p>I've lived my life, and dreamed my dream,</p> + + <p class="i2">And quaffed the sweet, as now the sour + glass.</p> + + <p>But old and spent my mind strays back</p> + + <p class="i2">To pleasant paths fresh-strewn with + roses,</p> + + <p>And I would see my old friend JACK</p> + + <p class="i2">Once more before the curtain closes.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANNOUNCEMENT.—The Earl of LATHOM (who, being quite six + feet or more, cannot be described as Small and Earl-y) is to + lay the foundation-stone of "The Cross Deaf and Dumb School for + N. and E. Lancashire." Now the Deaf and Dumb are, as a rule, + exceptionally cheerful and good-tempered. It is quite right, + therefore, that exceptions to this rule should be treated in a + separate establishment, and that the "Cross Deaf and Dumb" ones + should have a house to themselves. <i>Prosit!</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>A HIGHLY-POLISH'D PERFORMANCE.—HENRY IRVING as <i>Le + Juif Polonais</i> in <i>The Bells.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" + id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/151.png" + alt="TUNING THE HARP." /></a> + + <h3>TUNING THE HARP.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" + id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + <h3>A FRIEND TAKES ME FOR A QUIET DRIVE.</h3> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/153-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="caption" + align="center" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td align="center" + width="50%">1. "Don't be alarmed, Jack—it's + only her way. She always does this at starting. + Never knew her to come over."</td> + + <td align="center" + width="50%">2. "May as well get out. She always + makes me walk up here."</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/153-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="caption" + align="center" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td align="center" + width="50%">3. "Look sharp, Jack, and get the reins + from under her tail or we'll have an + accident!"</td> + + <td align="center" + width="50%">4. "Curious thing how she hates + trains!"</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/153-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="caption" + align="center" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td align="center" + width="50%">5. "Better be on the look-out for a + soft spot, old chap!"</td> + + <td align="center" + width="50%">6. "Now this is the second time she has + turned me out just here!"</td> + + <td>"</td> + </tr> + </table> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THE MONKEY-HOUSE;</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, Cage versus Club.</i></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>PROFESSOR GARNER goes to the Gaboon</p> + + <p>To garner Monkey talk; a dubious boon!</p> + + <p>Stucco Philistia shows in many shapes</p> + + <p>The babble of baboons, the chat of apes.</p> + + <p>Why hang, Sir, up a tree, in a big cage,</p> + + <p>To study Simian speech, which in our age</p> + + <p>May be o'erheard on Platform or in Pub,</p> + + <p>And studied 'mid the comforts of a Club?</p> + + <p>And yet perchance your forest apes would shrink</p> + + <p>From Smoke-room chat of apes who <i>never</i> + think,</p> + + <p>But cackle imitatively all round,</p> + + <p>Till their speech hath an automatic sound.</p> + + <p>Put the dread name of GL-DST-NE in the slot</p> + + <p>SMELFUNGUS calls his mouth, and rabid rot</p> + + <p>Will gurgle forth in a swift sewer-like gush</p> + + <p>Of coarse abuse would make a bargee blush.</p> + + <p>SMELFUNGUS is a soldier, and a swell,</p> + + <p>But—the Gaboon can scarce surpass + Pall-Mall</p> + + <p>In vicious, gibbering vulgarity</p> + + <p>Of coarse vituperation. Decency,</p> + + <p>Courtesy, common-sense, all cast aside!</p> + + <p>Pheugh! GARNER, in his cage, would open wide</p> + + <p>His listening ears, did Jacko of the forest</p> + + <p>So "slate" a foeman when his head was sorest.</p> + + <p>Strange that to rave and rant, like scullion + storm,</p> + + <p>Like low virago scold, should seem "good form"</p> + + <p>To our Society Simians, when one name</p> + + <p>Makes vulgar spite oblivious of its shame!</p> + + <p>"Voluntary and deliberate," their speech,</p> + + <p>"Articulate too"—those Apes! Then could they + teach</p> + + <p>Their—say <i>descendants</i>,—much. Does + Club or cage</p> + + <p>Hear most of rabid and unreasoned rage?</p> + + <p>"Apes' manner of delivery shows" (they say)</p> + + <p>"They're conscious of the meaning they'd + convey!"</p> + + <p>Then pardon, GARNER! Apes, though found in + clans.</p> + + <p>Are <i>not</i>, of course, political partisans.</p> + + <p>Tired of the Club-room's incoherent rage,</p> + + <p>One pines for the Gaboon, and GARNER's cage.</p> + + <p>For what arboreal ape <i>could</i> rage and rail</p> + + <p>Like him, with fierce Gladstonophobia pale,</p> + + <p>That Smoke-room Simian, though without a tail!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PICK OF THE BASKETS.</h3> + + <p>The <i>Daily Graphic</i> published a specific against + cholera, alleged to have been invented by Doctor PICK, a + German. Evidently "Our pick'd man of countries." As it is + something to drink, and not to eat, the inventor is under no + necessity to be known henceforth as Dr. PICK-AND-CHEWS. His + remedy is to treat the <i>bacilli</i> to Rhine Wine. The result + of experiments has been "so much the worse for the + <i>bacilli</i>." Substitute for the first vowel in "grapes" the + third of the vowels, and it is of that the poor bacillus + suffers, and dies. As the poet GROSSMITH sings of the German + Rhine,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"<i>That</i> of the Fatherland,</p> + + <p class="i4">The happy Fatherland,</p> + + <p>Gives the greatest pain inside."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>However, the Bacillus is an enemy, and if he can be got rid + of by <i>grape-shot</i>, pour it in and spare not.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW PUBLICATION.—"<i>The Dumb D.</i>" Musical Novel. + Companion to <i>The Silent Sea</i>, by Mrs. MACLEOD.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" + id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + + <h2>INNS AND OUTS.</h2> + + <h3>No. IV.—THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS.</h3> + + <center> + "And efery time <i>he</i> gif a shoomp, <i>he</i> make de + winders sound." + </center> + + <p>I do not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that + shades the Grand Hôtel windows. It is of the clique who insist + on shutting the windows that I write. Briefly speaking, the + inmates of the Grand Hôtel may be divided into two + classes—the window-openers and the window-shutters. The + former are all British. The same Britons who at the Club scowl + at a suspicion of draught, and luxuriate in an asphyxiating + atmosphere, band against "the foreigners" in this respect. We + have a national reputation to keep up. We are the nation of + soap, of fresh air, of condescending discontent; and when we + are on the Continent every one else, including the native, is + "a foreigner;" we carry our nationality about with us like a + camp-stool; we squat on it; we are jealous of it; it is a case + of "<i>Regardez, mais ne touchez pas!</i>"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/154.png" + alt="COMMERCIAL INSTINCT." /></a> + + <h4>COMMERCIAL INSTINCT.</h4> + </div> + + <p><i>Original Genius</i> (<i>soliloquising</i>). "Lor, it 'id + bin a crool Shame to miss an Opportunity like this 'ere. The + gov'nor oughter lemme 'ave Ten Bob on that job!"]</p> + + <p>This patriotic obtrusiveness culminates in the Battle of the + Windows. It is an oppressive evening. The <i>Table + d'Hôte</i>-room is seething like a caldron; a few chosen + conspirators and myself open the campaign early; we "tip" ADOLF + "the wink." That diplomatist orders the great window to be + half-opened. If things go smoothly, he will gradually open out + other sources of ventilation. The Noah's Ark procession files + in—all shapes and all languages, like the repast itself; + DONNERWITZ, TARTARIN, SHIRTSOFF, SCAMPELINI; there is nothing + in common between them—save the paper collar; they would + hail international declarations of war to-morrow; but the sight + of us, and that speck of air leagues them. "<i>Mein Gott, Die + Engländer!</i>" coughs DONNERWITZ; "<i>Ce sont de fanatiques + enrhumés!</i>" hisses TARTARIN; SHIRTSOFF sneezes the sneeze of + All the Russias; "<i>Corpo di Bacco!</i>" cries SCAMPALINI; + still nothing is done; the "<i>Potage à la reine</i>,"—so + called from the predominance of rain-water—ebbs away in + the commingled smacks and gulps of the infuriated Powers; + "<i>Saumon du Rhin, sauce Tartare</i>" is being apportioned to + the knives of all nations; it is perhaps the sight of his + knife, from which soup only is sacred, that nerves the fuming + DONNERWITZ to lead the attack. "Hst!" he shouts to the + studiously unheeding ADOLF; "'nother bottil Pellell—ver' + well sare!" chirrups ADOLF reassuringly to <i>me</i>; + DONNERWITZ raises his knife; I fear for the consequences; he + brings it down with a clang on the hardened tumbler of the + Grand Hôtel; the timid <i>pensionnaire</i> of numberless + summers starts and grows pale; SHIRTSOFF looks with peremptory + encouragement towards the Teuton; "<i>Ach, gräsglich!</i>" + rattles out DONNERWITZ, and strikes again; the cobra-like + gutturality of that "<i>Ach</i>" is heart-rending; still no + ADOLF; at a gold-fraught glance from my companions, he has + ordered another detachment to the front; a fresh current of air + invades the room. DONNERWITZ's knife is now brandishing peas; + his offended napkin chokes him; with the yell and spring of a + corpulent hyena, he rises and rushes to the windows. The timid + <i>pensionnaire</i> and her shrinking sisterhood follow him, + under the misconception that he is summoning them to admire the + sunset; the sunset is their evening excitement, and DONNERWITZ + can be sentimental in his calmer moments; but no "<i>Wie + wunder, wunderschön!</i>" escapes him; a Saxon word, that even + they can understand, is on his lips; the ring on his forefinger + gleams luridly; bang, bang, bang; he opens fire; down go the + windows, and DONNERWITZ resumes his seat of war, his napkin + waving like a standard before him. It is now my turn; I don't + like it; but my co-conspirators expect me to maintain the + honour of our country: ADOLF cannot be trusted further; I + advance furtively; the eyes of Europe are upon me; one by one I + open them again and subside; a terrible silence supervenes. + What next?—that is the question!</p> + + <p>But DONNERWITZ is not only a MOLTKE, he is also a BISMARCK; + flushed and moist with exertion, he has foreseen this move; it + is the hour of that inevitable "<i>Bavaroise</i>"; the fork has + succeeded to the knife: his mouth is at last free to + confabulate with his neighbour—the Lady from Chicago.</p> + + <p>"Wal, I call that slap-up rude," I hear her remark. "In + Amur'ca we should just hev' him removed; but Englishmen are + built that way; they fancy, I s'pose, they discovered + CO-LUMBUS;" and then DONNERWITZ leans over the table and, + grasping the united weapons of fork, knife, and spoon, + addresses me with effervescent deliberation. + "Pardon,—Mister,—but—dis—leddy,—haf—gatarrh; + in a Sherman shentleman's + house—most—keep—first—de—leddy + zimmer; so!" I don't fully understand, but I feel that my + chivalry is impugned. My confederates, too, round upon me; "Of + course," they whisper, "had no idea the lady was an invalid." + The brutes! I stutter an apology, and "climb down;" the windows + are again hermetically sealed; and, as I slink away. I hear + "<i>Viva</i>!" "<i>Hoch</i>!" and clinking glasses. Then ADOLF + hurries up surreptitiously, and whispers, "Tell you vat, Sare: + to-morrer you shoost dine on de terass; dere, plenty breeze, + hein?" "Plenty breeze!"—and you pay three francs extra, + and catch a cold.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" + id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> + + <h3>SIGH NO MORE, LOTTIE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The disinfecting process has ruined all the dresses of + Miss COLLINS."—<i>New York Telegram</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sigh no more, LOTTIE, sigh no more,</p> + + <p class="i2">Those gowns have gone for ever;</p> + + <p>You've cut some capers on that shore</p> + + <p class="i2">That you expected never;</p> + + <p>Then sigh not so, but let them go,</p> + + <p class="i2">And be you blithe and bonny,</p> + + <p>Converting all your sounds of woe</p> + + <p class="i2">To Tarara—boom—de nonny.</p> + + <p>Sing that vile ditty yet once more,</p> + + <p class="i2">And win almighty dollars</p> + + <p>From Yankees who have spoilt your store</p> + + <p class="i2">Of frocks, frills, cuffs and collars;</p> + + <p>The air will run in their heads like one</p> + + <p class="i2">O'clock, till it makes the same ache.</p> + + <p>While on you shines prosperity's sun.</p> + + <p class="i2">Your Tarara-boom-de hay make!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>AT THE PATTENMAKERS' BANQUET.—At the Court Dinner of + the Pattenmakers, held at the Metropole. the eulogies of the + Worshipful Master, Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (now Master of + Horse at Drury Lane), were plentiful, and he had a considerable + amount of <i>patten</i> on the back from all his guests. The + great dish of the evening was <i>Partridge au Patten</i>, an + English substitute for <i>Perdrix au chou</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/155.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/155.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>OUR GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (HERBERT + II.),<br /> + IN HIS NEW CHARACTER OF THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE.<br /> + (<i>With Song</i>)—"<i>Here's to the Health of the + Parley Mow</i>!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>SONNET ON CHILLON.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Where the electric light is now installed in the + dungeon of Bonivard.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Electric lighting, dear to modern mind,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bright in this dungeon! Switzerland, thou + art</p> + + <p class="i2">Too mad for things quite + <i>fin-de-siècle</i> smart!</p> + + <p>Surely the trains, that rumble just behind,</p> + + <p>And Vevey tramcars, in my thoughts consigned</p> + + <p class="i2">To even hotter place, had been enough</p> + + <p class="i2">To scare SAND, HUGO, SHELLEY, in a + huff;</p> + + <p>Make BYRON cast his poem to the wind!</p> + + <p>Chillon, thy prison may become a place</p> + + <p class="i2">With little marble tables in a row,</p> + + <p>Where tourists, dressed with artless English + grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">May drink their <i>bock</i> or + <i>café</i> down below,</p> + + <p>And foreign penknives rapidly efface</p> + + <p class="i2">The boasted names this light is meant to + show.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MUSICAL NOTE.—The most tranquillising, or even + somniferous melodies ever composed, must have been those + written by the celebrated LULLI. The first thing by LULLI was a + "<i>Lulliby</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW WORDS TO AN OLD TUNE (AND A SYLLABLE TO + SPARE).—Song for the SECRETARY for + IRELAND:—"<i>'Tis all for good luck, quoth bould Rory + O'Mor-ley.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ALL THE DIFFERENCE—between "<i>Sir</i> G.O.M." and + "<i>The</i> G.O.M."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>EXAMINATION PAPER FOR A PRESS CANDIDATE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>With a View to Carrying out the Suggestion of the + Institute of Journalists.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1. What are the principal duties of an Editor? State what + you would do if you were visited by bores of the following + kinds:—(1), a friend; (2), an enemy; (3), a + proprietor.</p> + + <p>2. Show how a political article may be written, saying as + little as possible in the greatest amount of space? Give + specimens of "writing round a subject" without offending + susceptibilities.</p> + + <p>3. What are the duties of a Dramatic Critic? Show, by a + specimen article, how a critique of a bad play, indifferently + performed, can yet be made to give satisfaction to the Author, + the Manager, the Company, and the Public?</p> + + <p>4. What are the duties of a Special Correspondent at a Seat + of War? Give a short descriptive article of a battle written in + such a manner that the readers of your paper may learn + everything without your getting shot as a spy, or drummed out + of camp as an informer.</p> + + <p>5. What are the duties of a Reviewer? Describe the process + of log-rolling, and give specimen of notices of + books:—(1), when the Author is your friend, but you + object to the Publisher; (2), when you hate the writer, but + must not offend the gentleman whose name appears as the + distributor, and (3), when you know nothing of the volume and + its producer, but suspect that the Author reviews for another + periodical, and that you may possibly get an order from his + literary introducer.</p> + + <p>6. What are the duties of a Musical Critic? Show how it is + feasible to write a most scientific notice without being able + to distinguish the National Anthem, MASCAGNI's + "<i>Intermezzo</i>," or "<i>The Wedding March</i>," from + "<i>The Slue Bells of Scotland</i>."</p> + + <p>7. Distinguish the difference between "Our Own Commissioner" + and "Our Own Correspondent," and "Our Special Reporter" and "An + Occasional Contributor." Give the rates of remuneration (if + any) attaching to each office.</p> + + <p>8. What is "City Intelligence?" Is it affected by the rise + and fall of the advertisement columns? State the difference + between "News Specially Communicated" and a puff paragraph.</p> + + <p>9. Give the statistics (if you are able) of the number of + aspirants to Journalism who have risen and fallen. Show that a + small certainty in the City is better than an occasional + ten-pound note earned in Fleet Street.</p> + + <p>10. Write an essay upon the subject that Journalism is + better as a stick than a crutch, and show that it is useless to + take up your pen if you have not already provided (from other + sources) for the payment of your butcher's book.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO FOOTBALL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell to thee, Cricket,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy last match is o'er;</p> + + <p>Thy bat, ball, and wicket,</p> + + <p class="i2">Are needed no more.</p> + + <p>To thy sister we turn,</p> + + <p class="i2">For her coming we pray:</p> + + <p>Her worshippers burn</p> + + <p class="i2">For the heat of the fray.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hail! Goddess of battle,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet hated of Ma(r)s,</p> + + <p>How ceaseless their tattle</p> + + <p class="i2">Of tumbles and scars!</p> + + <p>Such warnings are vain,</p> + + <p class="i2">For thy rites we prepare,</p> + + <p>Youth is yearning again</p> + + <p class="i2">In thy perils to share.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Broken limbs and black eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">May, perchance, be our lot;</p> + + <p>But grant goals and ties</p> + + <p class="i2">And we care not a jot.</p> + + <p>Too sacred to name</p> + + <p class="i2">With thy posts, ball, and field,</p> + + <p>There is no winter game</p> + + <p class="i2">To which thou canst yield.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW TRANSLATION—"VERY CHOICE ITALIAN,"—"<i>Sotto + voce</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, in a drunken tone of voice.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" + id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + + <h2>AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE!</h2> + + <h4><i>Being some account of the Prodigal Daughter of Drury + Lane.</i></h4> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.—<i>The Tea-urn of the Hunter.</i></h4> + + <p>SIR JOHN HENRY NEVILLE WOODMERE was the most considerate of + men, and he had a very considerate family, and a large circle + of considerate acquaintances. He was obliging to the last + degree, Among those he knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of + gratitude (for they had furnished him with an old family + mansion, a stud of racers, and passes for himself and circle to + Paris) were AUGUSTE LE GRAND, and HENRI LE PETTITT.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-1.png" + alt="Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up." /> + </a>Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great + Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up. + </div> + + <p>"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming. + She has been well brought up, and has the finest sentiments; + but it is necessary that she should run away to Paris, and + dodge the parson. Otherwise, how could she be called <i>The + Prodigal Daughter</i>?"</p> + + <p>Sir JOHN saw the force of this reasoning, and consented.</p> + + <p>"And stay," said AUGUSTE, "we must really have a good set, + and you must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a + breakfast, and all of you must wear hunting-coats. And look + here, we can't do without flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open + windows."</p> + + <p>"But," objected Sir JOHN, "if I am going a fox-hunting, + surely it should be in the winter or spring. And how about the + flowers?"</p> + + <p>"You have got them from Nice," replied AUGUSTE.</p> + + <p>So it was thus arranged. Sir JOHN's daughter, who was called + ROSE MILLWARD WOODMERE, eloped and broke her father's + heart.</p> + + <p>"But," exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a + horse that was waiting for him on the lawn amongst the + flower-beds, "although my heart is breaking, I will show the + world I am a true English gentleman by starting off to head the + chace!"</p> + + <p>And he said this out of consideration for AUGUSTE and HENRI, + because he knew they wanted what is technically known as a + Curtain. And by this means he gave them one. And a good one + too.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.—<i>A little Trip to Paris.</i></h4> + + <p>And then Sir JOHN and all his considerate family and + acquaintances went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hôtel, which + seemed to have been surrendered to them (at convenient times) + for their special use. Sir JOHN was accompanied by a most + useful villain, who showed the depth of his depravity by + wearing a moustache of the deepest dye. So that this depth + might be better known, he called himself DEEPWATER.</p> + + <p>"Sir JOHN," said this villain, "your daughter has come to + Paris with Captain HARRY VERNON, and you should trounce + him."</p> + + <p>"I will," replied Sir JOHN, heartily; "but surely I have + seen my daughter, and my niece, and Captain HARRY BOYNE VERNON, + and the Hon. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD, and Lord HARRY NICHOLLS + BANBERRY (a comic Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress), + and DUDLEY J.L. SHINE ROPER, a wicked but amusing Hebrew, + hanging about. Cannot we meet for two minutes, and set + everything to-rights?"</p> + + <p>"My dear Sir JOHN," returned MAURICE FERNANDEZ DEEPWATER, + "pray consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met + together for two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be + settled. But then I am distinctly under the impression that + AUGUSTE LE GRAND and HENRI LE PETTITT would be confoundedly + annoyed."</p> + + <p>"Oh," exclaimed Sir JOHN, "if you think <i>they</i> would be + annoyed, do not say another word about it!"</p> + + <p>So the various characters gave one another a clear berth, + and missed each other at the nick of time.</p> + + <p>But after awhile ROSE was left alone with the Hon. JULIAN + BELFORD.</p> + + <p>"It is not very clear to me why we haven't married," said + he.</p> + + <p>"Nor to me either!" she replied. "We dawdled a bit, and I + daresay put it off because what one knows can be done at any + moment is often not done at all."</p> + + <p>"Well, hadn't we better go to the British Embassy?"</p> + + <p>"Why, yes." she replied, with some hesitation; "but I really + think you had better say you will marry my cousin. I fancy it + would please AUGUSTE and HENRI."</p> + + <p>"Anything to oblige them," returned the Hon. JULIAN._</p> + + <p>"That being settled, please leave me, as I have to fall in a + dead faint—must get an effective Curtain, you know!"</p> + + <p>The HON. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD nodded his head, and then + ROSE MILLWARD WOODMERE fainted—with the desired + result.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.—<i>Cackle</i> v. <i>'Osses. The + Favourite wins.</i></h4> + + <p>And now Sir JOHN and his considerate circle had come to + England, and were close to Liverpool.</p> + + <p>"My dear people," said HENRI, "never mind your love-making, + never mind your plot, leave it to AUGUSTE, and he will pull you + through."</p> + + <p>And HENRI was quite right. AUGUSTE went to work with a will, + and did pull them through. He took them to the Grand National + Steeple Chace, and showed them and all the world a sight the + like of which they had never seen before. There were real + horses, real touts, and a real winner. Oh, how it went! It was + magnificent! And, before this great race, AUGUSTE (helped by + HENRI this time) showed a training-stable, and how a favourite + can be nobbled. It didn't in the least matter why it was done, + or where it was done. It was a lovely sight to see somebody or + other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked them, + and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On + the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient + vigour to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane, + with a trot to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, + perhaps to the old quarters, up to Easter.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-2.png" + alt="Oss-tentation; or, 'Giving him Beans.'" /> + </a>Oss-tentation; or, "Giving him Beans." + </div> + + <p>"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE. + "<i>Voluptuary</i> will carry the whole of us—Authors, + Managers, and Actors—to victory!" And he was + right—<i>Voluptuary</i> did carry them to success—a + gigantic one.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.—<i>The Means justify the End.</i></h4> + + <p>And Sir JOHN and his considerate circle acted up to their + principles to the very end.</p> + + <p>"ROSE, come to my arms!" said he, to his child; "you have + been prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and + conciliation."</p> + + <p>"Then may we marry?" asked the Hon. JULIAN.</p> + + <p>"Certainly!" was the reply.</p> + + <p>And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted + for.</p> + + <p>"Are you contented?" asked Sir JOHN, of AUGUSTE and + HENRI.</p> + + <p>"How does it end?" was the answer, taking the shape of a + question.</p> + + <p>"Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the + Public generally."</p> + + <p>And AUGUSTE, HENRI, <i>Box</i> and <i>Cox</i>, and in fact + everybody who was anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they + should be.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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