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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+October 8, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 8, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor:   Francis Burnand
+
+
+Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15441]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+October 10, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+AT A HYPNOTIC SÉANCE.
+
+    SCENE--_A Public Hall in a provincial town. The Hypnotist--a
+    tall, graceful, and handsome young man, in well-fitting
+    evening clothes--has already succeeded in putting most of
+    his subjects to sleep, and is going round and inspecting them
+    critically, as they droop limply on a semicircle of chairs,
+    in a variety of unpicturesque attitudes. The only Lady on
+    the platform is evidently as yet in full possession of her
+    senses._
+
+_First Female Spectator_ (_to Second_). MARIA MANGLES do take a time
+sending off, don't she?
+
+_Second F.S._ (_also a friend of Miss MANGLES_). Yes, that she do--it
+gives her such a silly look, sitting there, the on'y one with her
+senses about her!
+
+_First F.S._ It's all affectation--she could shut her eyes fast enough
+if she _liked_!
+
+_Second F.S._ The 'Ipnotiser's coming round to her now--she'll _have_
+to go off now. (_With a not unpleasurable anticipation_.) I expect
+he'll make her do all manner o' ridic'lous things!
+
+_First F.S._ Well, it will be a lesson, to her against making' herself
+so conspicuous another time. I shan't pity her.
+
+_The Hyp._ (_after a brief colloquy with Miss MANGLES_). I see I am
+not likely to succeed with this Lady; so, with many thanks to her on
+behalf of myself and the audience for coming forward, I will detain
+her no longer.
+
+[Illustration: "I do. Lovely creature!"]
+
+    [_Applause, amidst which Miss M. descends to her seat in the
+    body of the hall, with a smile of conscious triumph._
+
+_First F.S._ (_disappointed_). I don't see what she's done to clap
+their hands about, myself!
+
+_Second F.S._ Nor I neither--taking up his time all for
+nothing--depend upon it she wouldn't have gone up if he hadn't been so
+nice-looking!
+
+_First F.S._ I wouldn't like to think _that_ of her myself; but,
+anyhow, she didn't get much by it, did she? He soon sent _her_
+packing!
+
+_Male Spectator_ (_to a Woman in front of him_). Evening, Mrs.
+MIDGELLY--I see they've got your good man up on the platform.
+
+_Mrs. M._ He _will_ go, Mr. BUDKIN! He's gone up every night the
+'Ipnotiser's been here, and says he feels it's going to do him good.
+So this evening I said I'd come in too, and judge for myself. What
+good he expects to get, laying there like a damp dishclout, _I_ don't
+know!
+
+    [_Meanwhile the Hypnotist has borrowed a silver-handled
+    umbrella from the audience, and thrust it before the faces of
+    one or two loutish-looking youths, who immediately begin to
+    squint horribly and follow the silver-top with their noses,
+    till they knock their heads together._
+
+_Mr. Budkin_ (_to Mrs. MIDGELLY_). He's going to give your husband a
+turn of it now.
+
+    [_The umbrella-handle is applied to Mr. M., a feeble-looking
+    little man with a sandy top-knot; he grovels after the
+    silver-top when it is depressed, and makes futile attempts to
+    clamber up the umbrella after it when it is held aloft._
+
+_Mrs. M._ (_severely_). I haven't patience to look at him. A _Kitten_
+'ud have had more sense!
+
+_The Hyp._ (_calling up one of the heavy youths_). Can you whistle,
+Sir? Yes? Then whistle something. (_The Youth whistles a popular air
+in a lugubrious tone._) Now you _can't_ whistle--try. (_The Youth
+tries--and produces nothing but a close imitation of an air-cushion
+that is being unscrewed._) Now, if I were not to wake him up, this
+young gentleman's friends would never enjoy the benefit of his whistle
+again!
+
+_Voice from a Back Row_. _Don't_ wake him, Guv'nor, we can _bear_ it!
+
+_Hyp._ (_after restoring the lost talent, and calling up another
+Youth, somewhat smartly attired_). Now, Sir, what do you drink?
+
+_The Youth_ (_with a sleepy candour_). Beer when I can get 'old of it.
+
+_A Friend of his in Audience_. JIM's 'aving a lark with him--he said
+as 'ow he meant to kid him like--_he_ ain't 'ipnotised, bless yer!
+
+_Hyp._ But you like water, too, don't you? (_JIM admits this--in
+moderation._) Try this. (_He gives him a tumbler of water._) Is that
+good water?
+
+_Jim_ (_smacking his lips_). That's good water enough, Sir.
+
+_Hyp._ It's bad water--taste it again.
+
+    [_JIM tastes, and ejects it with every symptom of extreme
+    disapproval._
+
+_Jim's Friend_. Try him with a drop o' Scotch in it--_'e'll_ get it
+down!
+
+_Hyp._ (_to JIM_). There is _no_ water in that glass--it's full of
+sovereigns, don't you see? (_JIM agrees that this is so, and testifies
+to his conviction by promptly emptying the contents of the glass into
+his trousers' pocket_) What have you got in your pocket?
+
+_Jim_ (_chuckling with satisfaction_). Quids--golden sovereigns!
+
+_Hyp._ Wake up! _Now_ what do you find in your pocket--any sovereigns?
+
+_Jim_ (_surprised_). Sovereigns? No, Sir! (_After putting his hand
+in his pocket, bringing it out dripping, and dolefully regarding the
+stream of water issuing from his leg_.) More like water, Sir.
+
+    [_He makes dismal efforts to dry himself, amidst roars of
+    laughter._
+
+_His Friend_. Old JIM didn't come best out o' that!
+
+_Hyp._ (_to JIM_). You don't feel comfortable? (_Emphatic assent from_
+JIM.) Yes, you do, you feel no discomfort whatever.
+
+    [_JIM resumes his seat with a satisfied expression._
+
+_An Open-minded Spect._ Mind yer, if this yere 'Ipnotism can prevent
+water from being wet, there must be _something_ in it!
+
+_Hyp._ I will now give you an illustration of the manner in which,
+by hypnotic influence, a subject can_ be affected with an entirely
+imaginary pain. Take this gentleman. (_Indicating the unfortunate
+Mr. MIDGELLY, who is slumbering peacefully._) Now, what pain shall we
+give him?
+
+_A Voice_. Stomach-ache!
+
+    [_This suggestion, however, is so coyly advanced that it
+    fortunately escapes notice._
+
+_Hyp._ Tooth-ache? Very good--we will give him tooth-ache.
+
+    [_The Audience receive this with enthusiasm, which increases
+    to rapturous delight when Mr. MIDGELLY's cheek begins to
+    twitch violently, and he nurses his jaw in acute agony; the
+    tooth-ache is then transferred to another victim, who writhes
+    in an even more entertaining manner, until the unhappy couple
+    are finally relieved from torment._
+
+_A Spect._ Well, it's better nor any play, this is--but he ought to
+ha' passed the toothache round the lot of 'em, just for the fun o' the
+thing!
+
+_Mrs. Midgelly_. I should ha' thought there was toothache enough
+without coming here to get more of it, but so long as MIDGELLY's
+enjoyin' himself, _I_ shan't interfere!
+
+    [_The Hypnot. has impressed his subjects with the idea that
+    there is an Angel at the other end of the hall, and they are
+    variously affected by the celestial apparition, some gazing
+    with a rapt grin, while others invoke her stiffly, or hail her
+    like a cab. Mr. MIDGELLY alone exhibits no interest._
+
+_Mr. Budkin_ (_to Mrs. M._). Your 'usband don't seem to be putting
+himself out, Angel or no Angel.
+
+_Mrs. M._ (_complacently_). He knows too well what's due to _me_, Mr.
+BUDKIN. _I'm_ Angel enough for him!
+
+_Hyp._ I shall now persuade this Gentleman that there is a beautiful
+young lady in green at the door of this hall. (_To Mr. M._) Do you see
+her, Sir?
+
+_Mr. M._ (_rising with alacrity_). I do. Lovely creature!
+
+    [_He suddenly snatches up a decanter of water, and invites
+    his invisible charmer, in passionate pantomime, to come up and
+    share it with him--to the infinite delight of the Audience,
+    and disgust of his Wife._
+
+AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.
+
+_Mr. Midgelly_ (_as he rejoins his Wife_). I felt the influence more
+strongly to-night than what I have yet; and the Professor says, if I
+only keep on coming up every night while he's here, I shall soon be
+completely susceptible to--Why, whatever's the matter, my dear?
+
+_Mrs. M._ Matter! You're quite susceptible enough as it is; and, now
+I know how you can go on, you don't catch me letting _you_ get
+'ipnotised again. You and your young lady in green indeed!
+
+_Mr. M._ (_utterly mystified_). Me and my--I don't know what you're
+alluding to. It's the first _I've_ heard of it!
+
+_Mrs. M._ (_grimly_). Well, it won't be the last by a long way. Oh,
+the insight I've had into your character this evening, MIDGELLY!
+
+    [_Mr. M. is taken home, to realise that Hypnotism is not
+    altogether without its dangers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON.
+
+    "Nothing could have served my purpose better, than to have
+    drawn this illuminating flash out of the thunders," &c.,
+    &c.--_Vide Duke of Argyll's Letter to The Times, and his
+    Letter to Somebody who had drawn his Grace's attention to Mr.
+    Gladstone's Snowdon Speech._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. FROM WHITBREADFORDSHIRE.--Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE is reported to
+have said, "I'll give you a good tip. Back _Duke_--and my horses for
+the Cambridgeshire." New Carpet Knight not successful as a sporting
+tipster, seeing that Colonel DUKE, though he fought well, was beaten.
+Perhaps Sir BLUNDELL meant _the Duke_, who races every night at Drury
+Lane. That's a very good tip, as safe as houses--Drury Lane houses, of
+course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CITY PARADOX.
+
+  Our City Aldermanic lights
+    Who talk (and live) a trifle high,
+  In stern defence of civic rights
+    Profess themselves prepared to die.
+  And yet the Aldermanic crowd--
+    It's amply true, say what you will--
+  With open eyes have just allowed
+    The Mayoralty to come to KNILL!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HABITUAL DRUNKARDS COMMITTEE."--An awful-looking heading to a
+paragraph! What a picture the imagination may conjure up of a
+Committee of Habitual Drunkards! There would be the Honble. TOM TOPER,
+Lord SOTT, SAM SOKER, Marquis of MOPPS and BROOMS, Captain FUDDLE,
+DICK SWIZZLER, R.N., FRANK FARGONE (of the _Daily Booze_), with TITE
+ASA DRUMM in the Chair, or if not, under the table with the others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._)
+
+Many manuals have been published for the edification of beginners in
+the art of shooting. If that art can indeed be acquired by reading,
+there is no reason why any youth, whose education has been properly
+attended to, should not be perfectly proficient in it without having
+fired a single shot. But, _Mr. Punch_ has noticed in all these volumes
+a grave defect. In none of them is any instruction given which shall
+enable a man to obtain a conversational as well as a merely shooting
+success. Every pursuit has its proper conversational complement. The
+Farmer must know how to speak of crops and the weather in picturesque
+and inflammatory language; the Barrister must note, for use at the
+dinner-table, the subtle jests of his colleagues, the perplexity
+of stumbling witnesses, and the soul-stirring jokes of Judges;
+the Clergyman must babble of Sunday-schools and Choir-practices.
+Similarly, a Shooter must be able to speak of his sport and its varied
+incidents. To be merely a good shot is nothing. Many dull men can
+be that. The great thing, surely, is to be both a good shot and a
+cheerful light-hearted companion, with a fund of anecdotes and a rich
+store of allusions appropriate to every phase of shooting. _Mr. Punch_
+ventures to hope that the hints he has here put together, may be of
+value to all who propose to go out and "kill something" with a gun.
+
+THE GUN.
+
+No subject offers a greater variety of conversation than this. But,
+of course, the occasion counts for a good deal. It would be foolish to
+discharge it (metaphorically speaking) at the head of the first comer.
+You must watch for your opportunity. For instance, guns ought not
+to be talked about directly after breakfast, before a shot has been
+fired. Better wait till after the shooting-lunch, when a fresh start
+is being made, say for the High Covert half a mile away. You can then
+begin after this fashion to your host:--"That's a nice gun of yours,
+CHALMERS. I saw you doing rare work with it at the corner of the new
+plantation this morning." CHALMERS is sure to be pleased. You not only
+call attention to his skill, but you praise his gun, and a man's gun
+is, as a rule, as sacred to him as his pipe, his political prejudices,
+his taste in wine, or his wife's jewels. Therefore, CHALMERS is
+pleased. He smiles in a deprecating way, and says, "Yes, it's not a
+bad gun, one of a pair I bought last year."
+
+"Would you mind letting me feel it?"
+
+"Certainly not, my dear fellow here you are."
+
+You then interchange guns, having, of course, assured one another that
+they are not loaded. Having received CHALMERS's gun, you first appear
+to weigh it critically. Then, with an air of great resolution, you
+bring it to your shoulder two or three times in rapid succession, and
+fire imaginary shots at a cloud, or a tuft of grass. You now hand
+it back to CHALMERS, observing, "By Jove, old chap, it's beautifully
+balanced! It comes up splendidly. Suits me better than my own."
+CHALMERS, who will have been going through a similar pantomime with
+your gun, will make some decently complimentary remark about it, and
+each of you will think the other a devilish knowing and agreeable
+fellow.
+
+From this point you can diverge into a discussion of the latest
+improvements, as, e.g., "Are ejectors really valuable?" This is sure
+to bring out the man who has tried ejectors, and has given them up,
+because last year, at one of the hottest corners he ever knew, when
+the sky was simply black with pheasants, the ejectors of both his guns
+got stuck. He will talk of this incident as another man might talk of
+the loss of a friend or a fortune. Here you may say,--"By gad, what
+frightful luck! What did you do?" He will then narrate his comminatory
+interview with his gun-maker; others will burst in, and defend
+ejectors, or praise their own gun-makers, and the ball, once set
+rolling, will not be stopped until you take your places for the
+first beat of the afternoon, just as MARKHAM is telling you that his
+old Governor never shoots with anything but an old muzzle-loader by
+MANTON, and makes deuced good practice with it too.
+
+"Choke" is not a very good topic; it doesn't last long. After you have
+asked your neighbour if his gun is choked, and told him that your left
+barrel has a modified choke, the subject is pretty well exhausted.
+
+"Cast-off." Not to be recommended. There is very little to be made of
+it.
+
+Something may be done with the price of guns. There's sure to be
+someone who has done all his best and straightest shooting with a gun
+that cost him only £15. Everybody else will say, "It's perfect rot
+giving such high prices for guns. You only pay for the name. Mere
+robbery." But there isn't one of them who would consent not to be
+robbed.
+
+It sometimes creates a pretty effect to call your gun "My old
+fire-iron," or "my bundook," or "this old gas-pipe of mine."
+
+"Bore." Never pun on this word. It is never done in really good
+sporting society. But you can make a few remarks, here and there,
+about the comparative merits of twelve-bore and sixteen-bore. Choose
+a good opening for telling your story of the man who shot with a
+fourteen-bore gun, ran short of cartridges on a big day, and was, of
+course, unable to borrow from anyone else. Hence you can deduce the
+superiority of twelve-bores, as being the more common size.
+
+All these subjects, like all others connected with shooting, can be
+resumed and continued after dinner, and in the smoking-room. Talk of
+the staleness of smoke! It's nothing to the staleness of the stories
+to which four self-respecting smoking-room walls have to listen in the
+course of an evening.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PIS-ALLER.
+
+"ARE THERE ANY NIGGERS ON THE BEACH THIS MORNING, MAMMIE?"
+
+"NO, DEAR; IT'S SUNDAY MORNING."
+
+"OH, THEN I MAY AS WELL GO TO CHURCH WITH YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY-AND-BY LAWS FOR TRAFALGAR SQUARE.
+
+(_WHEN MEETINGS ARE HELD IN "TIMES OF POLITICAL OR SOCIAL CRISES_.")
+
+1. Cabs, omnibuses, carriages, and pedestrians will be expected to
+keep clear of the space occupied by the Demonstrators.
+
+2. To prevent destruction of glass and removal of property from shop
+windows, tradesmen will be expected to put up their shutters several
+hours before the holding of the meeting.
+
+3. No particular notice will be paid to the transference of property
+from one leader of labour to another. If done by stealth, it will be
+accepted as a proof of secret Socialism.
+
+4. No objection will be raised to combats amongst the Demonstrators,
+with the restriction that no Government property is injured.
+
+5. As the maintaining of the road is a matter of contract,
+Demonstrators wishing to emphasise their opinions, must bring their
+own stones.
+
+6. As a good deal of property is expected to change hands during the
+various proceedings, an application with a description of lost goods,
+and photograph of supposed thief, can be addressed to the Chief
+Inspector of Police, Scotland Yard.
+
+7. These regulations (which are tentative) will be in force until
+after the next General Election, when a fresh series will be
+published, to be followed by others as occasion may require.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POOR ROAD TO LEARNING.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a School Board Office. Official discovered
+    hard at work, doing single-handed in London what is done by
+    nearly a thousand officials combined in "Bonnie Scotland."
+    Enter Female Applicant, with infant._
+
+_Applicant_. Please, Sir, here's my boy. Can you take him?
+
+_Official_. Certainly. Has he had any education?
+
+_App._ Well, as he's rising five, not much.
+
+_Off._ But does he know anything? For instance, has he learned any
+English history?
+
+_App._ Not that I know of.
+
+_Off._ Has he dipped into geography?
+
+_App._ Well, I don't think he has.
+
+_Off._ Can he cipher at all?
+
+_App._ Not very well.
+
+_Off._ Does he know what two and two make?
+
+_App._ Well, he has never said he does.
+
+_Off._ Can he write?
+
+_App._ Well, no, he doesn't write.
+
+_Off._ But I suppose he can read? Come, he at least can read?
+
+_App._ Well, no, Sir, I am afraid he's not much of a scholar. I don't
+think he can read.
+
+_Off._ Then he is absolutely ignorant--miserably ignorant.
+
+_App._ Very likely, Sir,--you know best.
+
+_Off._ Well, now, my good woman, I will tell you what we will do with
+him. We will teach him to read, write, and cipher, and give him an
+excellent education.
+
+_App._ And you will take care of him, Sir?
+
+_Off._ Of course we will take care of him; and as for his education,
+we will--
+
+_App._ Oh, Sir, so long as you looks after him, never you mind about
+his education!
+
+    [_Exit infantless._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MAUD.
+
+_A PENITENT ROUNDEL._
+
+  I called you MAUDE. I only meant to tease,
+    But somehow, ere I ended, came to laud
+  Your charms in my poor verses. So in these
+          I called you MAUDE.
+
+  "My name is _MAUD_."
+      And I am overawed,
+    Forgive the indiscretion if you please.
+  The spirit Truth, they tell me, is abroad,
+    And since she sojourns still across the seas,
+  I swear I knew the final _e_ a fraud--
+    So that you suffered from no lack of _e_'s
+          I called you MAUDE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KNILL NISI BOIMUM.
+
+[Illustration: Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose.]
+
+The good common sense of the Common Councilman and Liverymen of the
+City,--Liverymen not to be led astray by any false lights,--coupled
+with their truly English love of fairplay, prevailed, and the City
+Fathers on Goose Day were prevented from following in the goose-steps
+of that Uncommon Councilman who, bearing the honoured names of BEAUFOY
+(a fine old Norman-Baron title!) and of MOORE (shade of Sir THOMAS!),
+made so extraordinary a display of bigotry and ignorance as, it is to
+be hoped, is rare, and becoming rarer every day, among our worthy JOHN
+GILPINS of credit and renown East of the Griffin.
+
+But in spite of this nonsensical hot-gospelling rant, Alderman and
+Sheriff STUART KNILL was elected Lord Mayor, while BEAUFOY MOORE
+was, so to speak, no MOORE, and, in fact, very much against his will
+and wish, was reduced to NIL. WILLY-KNILLY he had to cave in. _Mr.
+Punch_ congratulates the Lord Mayor Elect, but still more does he
+congratulate the City Fathers on rising above paltry sectarianism, so
+utterly unworthy of time, place, and persons, and for standing up,
+in true English fashion, for freedom of worship coupled with absolute
+Liberty of Conscience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIDE OF THE EMPIRE.
+
+[Illustration: "A Warde with you."]
+
+[Illustration: Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period).]
+
+At this moment there is really a very excellent extertainment at
+the Empire Theatre of Varieties, something, or rather many things
+of which the Management may, and should be proud. A capital troupe
+of Bicyclists, a Spanish Dancer and singer--whose gestures to the
+multitude are more intelligible than her language--a graceful,
+serpentine dancer, and "a very peculiar American Comedian"--all these
+are a part of the programme. But the best item in this liberal bill of
+fare is _Round the Town_, a characteristic Ballet, in five _tableaux_.
+The composers of this pleasing piece are Madame KATTI LANNER, and Mr.
+GEORGE EDWARDES. As the lady is well known for her admirable dances,
+it may be safely presumed that the gentleman is solely responsible for
+the plot, or rather "the argument." It runs as follows:--"_Dr. Burch_,
+newly arrived in London with his pupils, wishes to show them the
+sights. What better to begin with than Covent Garden Market in the
+early morning?" Quite so, the more especially as the lads must be very
+backward boys. There are six of them, and the youngest seems about
+thirty, and the oldest about double that age. The Doctor must have
+rescued them from Epsom Race Course, and apparently is attempting to
+give them an education fitting them to follow what seems to be his own
+calling--the profession of an undertaker. These elderly pupils follow
+their kind preceptor (for, although he is called _Burch_, there is
+not the slightest suggestion of the rod about him, and, moreover, his
+charges are really too elderly to receive chastisement) to the Royal
+Exchange, the Thames Embankment, and, lastly, to the Empire. During
+their travels, they meet _Mr. Rapless_, known as "the Oofless Swell,"
+(a part amusingly played by Mr. W. WARDE), and _John Brough_, a
+carpenter with a taste for ballet costumes and drink, the carpenter's
+wife, and the carpenter's child. _Dr. Burch_, who is evidently
+easy-going, but good-hearted, after flirting with a lady who has her
+boots cleaned before the Royal Exchange, suddenly developes into a
+philanthropist, not to say a divine. On the carpenter's wife and
+child appearing on the Thames Embankment in the characters of would-be
+suicides, the worthy pedagogue convinces them (to quote the programme)
+"That they have no right to take away the lives which the Almighty has
+placed in their hands." Mother and child are quickly convinced, and
+the neat but drunken father (Signorina MALVINA CAVALAZZI) appearing
+on the scene, the good man informs him that his wife and child are
+dead, "driven to an untimely grave by his (the intemperate but natty
+artisan's) desertion and cruelty." The effect of this inaccurate
+statement is startling. To quote once more from the argument,
+"incontinently the now penitent ruffian falls fainting to the ground."
+But he is brought back to himself, his better self, by his child
+whispering "Father!" The situation is full of pathos, even when
+witnessed from the Stalls. Recovering his senses, the converted
+carpenter promptly borrows money from the good old Doctor, and when
+that estimable gentleman is about to enter the Empire Theatre of
+Varieties (accompanied by his school), a little later he has the
+"satisfaction of seeing his _protégé Mortimer_ (the ex-ruffian),
+returning contentedly from his work." This is the simple but pathetic
+story that Mr. GEO. EDWARDES touchingly tells with the assistance of
+a full _corps de ballet_, five _tableaux_, and last, but certainly not
+least, the hints of Madame KATTI LANNER.
+
+[Illustration: Jolly Tar A.B. "Hip, Hip, Hooray!"]
+
+[Illustration: Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen from
+Empire Stalls.]
+
+There are many remarkable persons in _Round the Town_. Notably
+an effeminate but substantial stock-broker, who looks like a
+stock-jobber's maiden-aunt in disguise. Another important personage is
+a representative of the Navy, whose figure suggests as an appropriate
+greeting, "Hip, hip, hip, hooray!" Both these characters are
+well-played, and although subordinate parts, make their mark, or
+rather, we should say, score heavily. Altogether; the ballet is
+excellent both in dances and plot. The first is a testimony of the
+good head of Madame KATTI LANNER, and the last of the equally good
+heart of Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. There is no doubt that _Round the Town_
+will draw all London to see (in its realistic scenes) all London
+drawn!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.
+
+(_FROM A COLLECTION OF COMMUNICATIONS SUPPLIED BY OUR PROPHETIC
+COMPILER._)
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Forgive me for addressing you, but the urgency of
+the occasion warrants the intrusion. A hundred years since, the old
+Fighting _Foudroyant_ was sold by the Admiralty to be broken up. The
+moment the Public of the Period learned the cruel fact through the
+customary sources of information, they flew to the rescue. Headed by
+the then LORD MAYOR, they raised a fund to bring back the discarded
+vessel, and yet in those distant days there were they who denied
+that the _Foudroyant_ had ever done anything in particular. And now
+we propose doing the same thing. On the Thames there is an ancient
+steamboat called _Citizen Z_, that once belonged to the Company that
+started penny river lifts. It is certainly rather out of date, but is
+full of historical memories. It is said that the Cabinet travelled
+to Greenwich on its venerable boards, where they feasted on the
+half-forgotten Whitebait, and the entirely, superseded Champagne. It
+has carried, at one time or another, all the nobility to Rosherville,
+there to spend (as the old saying went) "a happy day," and yet it is
+proposed to break it up! Out upon the thought! Have we no veneration
+for our relics of the past? Cannot we appreciate a boat that should
+have had an honoured place in the Museum at Woolwich? Do not let this
+act of Vandalism be done. Save the steamer for the sake of its past.
+
+Yours truly, A REAR-ADMIRAL.
+
+_H.M.S. Electric-Balloon, Skye._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I appeal to you, and I know I shall not appeal in
+vain. The picturesque Cabman's Shelter in the middle of Piccadilly is
+threatened! I hope you will exert your influence to preserve it. It
+absolutely teems with historical associations. Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL
+is supposed to have used it for writing his famous letter on the
+Poor-Laws, and to this day is shown the initials of CHARLES STUART
+PARNELL which were carved by that celebrated statesman on one of its
+benches about the middle of the last century--probably in 1854. And
+why is it to be removed? Simply because it is said to impede the
+traffic! Could anything be more absurd? Do, pray, save it from the
+hand of the ruthless "improver." Yours truly,
+
+ONE WHO RESPECTS THE PAST.
+
+_Tumbledowns, West Kensington_ (_late Reading_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS.
+
+_First Chieftain_. "I SAY, OLD CHAP, WHAT A DOOSE OF A BORE THESE
+GAMES ARE!"
+
+_Second Chieftain_. "AH, BUT, MY DEAR BOY, IT IS THIS SORT OF THING
+THAT HAS MADE US SCOTCHMEN _WHAT WE ARE_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NUISANCE.
+
+_Miss Priscilla_. "YES; IT'S A BEAUTIFUL VIEW. BUT TOURISTS ARE IN THE
+HABIT OF BATHING ON THE OPPOSITE SHORE, AND THAT'S RATHER A DRAWBACK."
+
+_Fair Visitor_. "DEAR ME! BUT AT SUCH A DISTANCE AS THAT--SURELY--"
+
+_Miss Priscilla_. "AH, BUT WITH A _TELESCOPE_, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT LAST!
+
+(_JEREMIAD BY A MIDDLE-AGED MARTYR TO THE GREAT SEASIDE
+SUPERSTITION._)
+
+    ["To middle-aged people, at all events, nothing can be more
+    trying and deleterious than holidays."--_Daily News_.]
+
+  Oh, thanks to thee, thanks to thee, sage unconventional!
+    Heaven be blest, the truth's out, then, at last!
+  Holiday woes--'twould take volumes to mention all!--
+    Now, in the lump, meet a shrewd counterblast.
+  _Trying?_ Of course they are! _Most deleterious?_
+    Scribe, let me clasp thee, in thought, to this breast!
+  Holiday-hunting is Man's most mysterious,
+            Maddening guest!
+
+  _Quixote_, I swear, was a model of sanity,
+    When with the Holiday-seeker compared.
+  Fidgety folly, and fussy inanity.
+    These be the figments by which we are snared.
+  Soon as you're drawn from your own cosy drawing-room,
+    Far over flood, field, or foam--for your sins--
+  Then, when your breast makes for vulturine gnawing room,
+            Bother begins!
+
+  Bother, that bugbear of bufferish Middle-Age!
+    Swift "scurry-funging" may do for the young,
+  The "hey-diddle-diddle, the Cat-and-the-fiddle" age.
+    "Over the moon" I myself once had sprung,
+  Thirty years syne, in sheer fervour athletical--
+    Now, like the dog, I would laugh, and look on.
+  Once, with sheer "drive," I'd a sense sympathetical--
+            Now I have none!
+
+  Holiday? Term, Sir, is simply a synonym
+    For--waste of tissue! What doctor will dare
+  Tell his poor patients so? _I_'ll put _my_ tin on him!
+    Rest? Recreation? Pick-up? Change of air?
+  All question-begging fudge-phrases of sophistry!
+    Let city-toilers who're fagged or "run down,"
+  Autumnal _quiet_ (in home or in office), try;
+            _Not_ "out of town."
+
+  Out of town? Where is the term that's claptrappier?
+    _Means_ out of temper, or out of your mind.
+  Boot-black or old crossing-sweeper's far happier,
+    Tied to his task in the town--as you'll find.
+  Picking up coppers far better than picking up
+    Shells by the sea, or sham friends on the snore.
+  Bah! What have buffers to do with such kicking-up
+            Heels? It's a bore!
+
+  Who'll start a League to be called Anti-Holiday?
+    Bet half the middle-aged men-folk will join!
+  Then we _might_ get an occasional jolly day,
+    Free from the pests who perplex and purloin.
+  "Health-Resort" quackery, portmanteau-packery,
+    Cheat-brigade charges and chills I might miss.
+  Dear-bought jimcrackery, female knicknackery!--
+            Oh! 'twere pure bliss!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRAVO, BOBBY!
+
+    ["The Brighton Police have received orders to move on all
+    organ-grinders."]
+
+  Bless you, Brighton Bobby, bless you,
+    Boldly bringing balmy bliss!
+  Barrel--organ barred--I guess you
+    Banish blatant bands with this.
+
+  Brazen blasts, by boobies blowing,
+    Bad as barrel's buzz can be.
+  Bid them budge! I'd vote for throwing
+    Beggars like these in the sea.
+
+  Battered bands from Bremen, Berlin;
+    Bearded bandits, born between
+  Bari and Bergamo, hurl in!
+    Bathed--that's what they've never been!
+
+  Britons all, oh, be not laggards,
+    But, like Brighton, move them on!
+  Bad, bacteria-hearing black-guards,
+    Beastly, blatant brutes, begone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER ABOUT THE NEW LORD MAYOR ELECT.--"It's _a Knill wind_ that
+blows nobody any good." _Signed_, BOGIE MOORE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD SPIRIT.
+
+["_Gentlemen of the Life Guards,--Forward--March!"--_Sir WALTER SCOTT.
+"_Old Mortality_."]
+
+L'ESPRIT DE CORPS (_loq._). "SHAME! SHAME!--IS IT THUS YOU USE YOUR
+SWORDS? WHATEVER MAY HAVE HAPPENED, ARE WE NOT STILL 'GENTLEMEN OF THE
+LIFE GUARDS'?"
+
+    "It is stated that Lord METHUEN, after censuring the
+    conduct of the regiment, requested the men who had cut the
+    saddle-panels to step forward and own the act, which would in
+    that case be dealt with simply as a case of insubordination.
+    He gave them a few minutes to consider, but as none of them
+    made any admission, he intimated that he should have to report
+    the matter to the Commander-in-Chief as a mutiny."--_Daily
+    Paper_, 30th Sept., 1892.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ABSENT AUDIENCE.
+
+_Socialist_. "Ah!--it's all very well yer looking at _Me_, with yer
+Smiles AND yer Jeers...."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE CORONA.
+
+    ["The shape of the hat is another token in which individuality
+    asserts itself, and the angle at which it is worn. There are
+    men who vary this angle with their different moods."--_Article
+    on "Men's Dress," Daily News, Sept. 10._]
+
+  You ask why I gaze with devotion
+    At ALGERNON's features, my love?
+  Nay, you are astray in your notion,
+    My glance is directed above;
+  His hair may be yellow or ruddy,
+    No longer I'm anxious for that,
+  But now I incessantly study
+          The tilt of his hat.
+
+  At times it will carelessly dangle
+    With an air of æsthetic repose,
+  At others will point to an angle
+    Inclined to the tip of his nose;
+  When it rests on the side of his head, he
+    Will smile at whatever befalls,
+  When pushed o'er his brow, we make ready
+          For numerous squalls!
+
+  When he starts for his train to the City
+    It is put on exactly upright,
+  And who would not view it with pity
+    Return, mud-bespattered, at night?
+  When early, so polished and glowing,
+    Jammed on at haphazard when late;
+  It forms a barometer, showing
+          His mood up to date.
+
+  And you, who are young and unmarried,
+    Give heed to my counsel, I pray;
+  Do not, I entreat you, be carried
+    By wealth or affection away;
+  The heroine, novelists mention,
+    "Eyes fondly his features." Instead,
+  Observe, for _your_ part, with attention,
+          The hat on his head!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW COLLECTION OF _HIMS_, ANCIENT AND MODERN.--The Church Congress
+at Folkestone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+We were not overcrowded last week at Newmarket, and really the more
+one takes racing from a business point of view, the more attractive it
+becomes!--at least, I have found it so myself ever since it has been
+my duty to acquire information for the benefit of my readers.
+
+There was only one thing that annoyed me during the week, and that
+was the inconsiderate behaviour of _Windgall_ in winning the October
+Handicap, although it was a most extraordinary confirmation of my
+remarks anent his performance in the Leicester Handicap, in my last
+letter; but it _is_ annoying that, when you select a horse to win a
+race, he runs _second_, and directly after wins a race for which he is
+_not_ selected, beating the horse chosen by a length!--it puzzles me
+completely, as it is impossible in this case to put it down to want
+of good breeding! We were sorry not to have the _Buccaneer-Orvieto_
+match decided, as it would have been the event of the meeting; but,
+as the old proverb runs, "a wise owner is merciful to his beast," so
+_Orvieto_ had an afternoon's rest at the price of £100!--rather more
+than some people might be inclined to pay for a game of forfeits!
+
+The time is not yet ripe--(has anyone _ever_ seen time get ripe, I
+wonder?)--for disclosing what I know about the Cesarewitch--(I never
+know whether I've spelt that correctly or not!--and the more you look
+at it the "wronger" it seems!)--but I may mention that I've heard
+great accounts of _Kingkneel_, who was bought the other day for Sir
+GREENASH BURNLEY (the latest favourite of fortune, and beloved of
+the ring)--and had he not earned a penalty--(this expression ought
+to be changed, as it implies, to my mind, which is an _excellent_
+average sample; a misdemeanor)--by winning a paltry thousand pounds
+race somewhere; I really believe the Cesare--no!--not again!--was
+at his mercy--but now, as the turf-writer puts it--"I shall look
+elsewhere!"--as if _that_ would make any difference!--but of this
+race, more anon, and meantime, those who are fond of the "good things"
+of this life must not miss my selection for the big race of next week
+at Kempton--on the Jubilee Course, which said course, I am told, is by
+no means a Jubilee for the jockeys, owing to the danger in "racing for
+the bend."
+
+There are several horses entered who seem to have great chances,
+making the race as difficult as a problem in _Euclid_--but my
+selection will most certainly be "there, or thereabouts," which is a
+comforting, if somewhat vague reflection.
+
+Yours truly, LADY GAY.
+
+DUKE OF YORK STAKES SELECTION.
+
+  The muse is dull!--the day is dead!
+    And vain is all endeavour
+  To light afresh the poet's spark--
+    I _can't_ find a rhyme for the winner,
+          _Iddesleigh_,
+
+P.S.--Really it's most thoughtless of owners to harass one with such
+names!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IN THIS STYLE, TWO-AND-SIX."
+
+(IN THE POUND).
+
+SIR,--I have been much struck with the suggestion to do without hats,
+and have made trial of the system. It has also made trial of _me_,
+in the way of colds in the head, bronchial catarrh, &c., but I still
+persevere. _It's so much cheaper!_ I have sold my stock of old
+hats for half-a-crown, and calculate that I shall save _quite three
+shillings per annum_ by not buying new ones. Surely anybody can see
+that this is well worth doing! I am now seriously contemplating the
+possibility of _doing without boots_!
+
+Yours truly, SAVE THE SAXPENCES.
+
+SIR,--Talk about hair growing if you leave off hats! My hair
+was falling off in handfuls a little time ago. Did I abjure hats
+altogether? Not being a born idiot, I did not. But I saw that what was
+needed was proper ventilation aloft. So I had a specially-constructed
+top-hat made, with holes all round it. In fact there were more holes
+than hat, and the hatter scornfully referred to it as a "sieve." The
+invention answered splendidly. There was a thorough draught constantly
+rushing across the top of my head, with the speed and violence of a
+first-class tornado. My locks, before so scanty, at once began to grow
+in such profusion that it now seems impossible to stop them, except
+by liberal applications of "Crinificatrix," the Patent Hair Restorer.
+_That_ checks the growth effectually. My general name among chance
+acquaintances is "Old Doormat." You can judge how thick my hair must
+be and I ascribe it entirely to the beneficent action of the draught,
+as before,
+
+Yours, WELL-COVERED.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Why would it be a mistake to say that a Negro was "as
+black as my hat?" _Because I never wear one._ The only inconvenience
+resulting is in wet weather--but, even then, I am prepared for all
+emergencies. I keep in my pocket a little square of black waterproof,
+to cover my head when it rains. In an Assize town, the other day, I
+was followed by an angry crowd, who imagined that I was one of the
+Judges, and that I had gone mad, and was walking about the streets
+with the black cap on! But all true reformers are treated in this way,
+even in England, the land of Liberty.
+
+Yours, HATZOFF.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK.]
+
+  "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
+    The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!"--
+  Ah, CARROLL! it is not in fun
+    Your song's light lilt we snatch.
+
+  Our Jabberwock's a _real_ brute,
+    With mighty maw, and ruthless hand,
+  Who ravage makes beyond compute
+    In Civic Blunderland.
+
+  Look at the ogre's hideous mouth!
+    His tiger-teeth, his dragon-tail!
+  O'er Town, East, West, and North and South,
+    He leaves his slimy trail.
+
+  And where he comes all Beauty dies,
+    And where he halts all Greenery fades.
+  Pleasantness flies where'er he plies
+    His gruesomest of trades.
+
+  He blights the field, he blasts the wood,
+    With breath as fierce as prairie flame;
+  And where sweet works of Nature stood,
+    He leaves us--slums of shame.
+
+  The locust and the canker-worm
+    Are not more ruinous than he.
+  "I'll take this Eden--for a term!"
+    He cries, and howls with glee.
+
+  "Beauty? Mere bosh! Charm? Utter rot!
+    What boots your 'Earthly Paradise,'
+  Until 'tis made 'A Building Plot'?
+    Then it indeed looks nice!
+
+  "O Jerry Street! O Jerry Park!
+    O Jerry Gardens, Jerry Square!--
+  You won't discover--what a lark!--
+    One 'touch of Nature' there!
+
+  "'This handsome Villa Residence'
+    Means mud-built walls and clay-clogged walks;
+  And drains offensive to the sense,
+    And swamps whence fever stalks.
+
+  "Beauty's best friends I drive away,
+    Artists who sketch, ramblers who rove,
+  Lovers who spoon, children who play,--
+    All, all who Nature love.
+
+  "Nor do I give them wholesome homes
+    For verdant meads--no, there's the fun!
+  Stuccodom, frail and sickly, comes
+    After 'Lot Twenty-One!'
+
+  "I make a clearing, dig a trench,
+    Run up a shell of rotten bricks.
+  And thus the rule of sham and stench
+    Upon the 'site' I fix.
+
+  "The ugly and unhealthy still
+    Associate with the name of Jerry;
+  And thus I work my wicked will,
+    And flourish, and make merry!"
+
+  'Twas so the Jerry-Jabberwock
+    Sang in a suburb, void of shame,
+  Blunderland's civic will to mock,
+    And put its sense to shame.
+
+  This ogre of our towns to slay,
+    Where is the urban "Beamish Boy"?
+  CARROLL, when comes that "frabjous day,"
+    _We_'ll "chortle in our joy."
+
+  Young County Council, are _you_ one?
+    'Tis said you're but a Bumble-batch!
+  Beware the Jobjob Bird, and shun
+    The Bigot-Bandersnatch!
+
+  We'll pardon much that seems absurd,
+    Excuse some blunders that bewilder,
+  If you'll but "draw your vorpal sword"
+    And slay--the Jerry-Builder!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METAMORPHOSIS.
+
+("_We know what we are, but we know not what we may be._")
+
+_Conductor_. "TAKE YER TO THE CIRCUS, AND THERE YOU'LL CHANGE INTO A
+HELEPHANT."
+
+_Master Kenneth_. "OH, MOTHER, WHAT A JOLLY CIRCUS! MAY WE GO AND SEE
+THE OLD GENTLEMAN CHANGE INTO AN ELEPHANT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN MERCURY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Behold that urchin, occupied
+  In counting with an honest pride
+    The marbles he has won!
+  O tardy messenger of fate,
+  Without distinction, small and great,
+  Their telegrams, perforce, await
+    Until your game is done.
+
+  Perchance a philosophic strain
+  Makes you regard as wholly vain
+    Our human bliss and woes;
+  What matters, whether State affairs,
+  Or news of good, or weighty carts,
+  Or tidings relative to shares
+    Within your bag repose?
+
+  Well, not by me will you be blamed;
+  I like to see you not ashamed
+   To dawdle for awhile;
+  You furnish, by example sage,
+  A moral for our busy age;
+  And so, though others fume and rage,
+    I watch you with a smile.
+
+  He moves at length, and now we'll see
+  Which way ... This telegram for me?
+    Oh, worst of human crimes
+  Is such delay!--it's monstrous quite!
+  I'll forward a complaint to-night!
+  Here, pen and paper--let me write
+    A letter to the _Times_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAM was heard to remark that she "didn't know a finer body of
+men than the Yokel Loamanry." Probably the old lady meant the Local
+Yeomanry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. XVI.--TO YOUTHFULNESS.
+
+You are much misunderstood. For it is supposed that those who in this
+world bear your stamp upon them are to be recognised without trouble
+by the mere calculation of their years of life. No notion can be
+further from the truth. Mere absence of wrinkles, the presence or
+colour of the hair on the head, the elasticity of limbs, these do not
+of themselves, I protest, testify to youthfulness. I knew a lad of
+twenty, who, in the judgment of the world, was young. In mine he was
+one of the hoariest as he was one of the least scrupulous of men. No
+veteran that I ever met could have put him up to any trick, or added
+any experience to his store. He seemed to have a marvellous and
+intuitive experience of the ways of life, and of the tricks of men.
+No shady society came amiss to him. He gambled, in his way, as coolly,
+and with as careful a precision, as _Barry Lyndon_; he met the keen
+frequenters of the betting-ring on equal terms, and contrived, amid
+that vortex to keep his head above water. He had a faultless taste
+in wine--he knew a good cigar by an instinct. It is hardly necessary
+to add that, with all these accomplishments, he held and expressed
+the meanest opinion of human nature in general. Not even Sir ROBERT
+WALPOLE could have more cynically estimated the price at which men
+might be bought. As for women, this precocious paragon despised them,
+and women, as is their wont, repaid him by admiration, and, here
+and there, by genuine affection. I shudder to think how he might
+have developed in the course of years. It happened, however, that a
+shipwreck--a form of disaster against which cynicism and precocity
+afford no protection--removed him from the world before he had come of
+age. Now, to call this infant young, would have been a mockery. To all
+outward appearance, indeed, he was a boy, but his mind was that of a
+selfish and used-up _roué_ of sixty, without illusions, and without
+hope.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Let me pass to a more pleasant subject, and one with which you,
+my dear boy, are more closely connected. I refer to my old friend.
+General VANGARD, the kindest and best-natured man that ever drew
+half-pay. Seventy years have passed over his head, and turned his hair
+to silver, but his heart remains pure gold without alloy. In vain do
+his whiskers and moustache attempt to give a touch of fierceness to
+his face. The kindly eyes smile it away in a moment. He stands six
+feet and an inch, his back his broad, his step springy; he carries
+his head erect on his massive shoulders with a leonine air of
+good-humoured defiance. To hear him greet you, to feel his hand-shake,
+is to get a lesson in geniality. I never knew a man who had so
+whole-hearted a contempt for insincerity and affectation. It was
+only the other day that I saw little TOM TITTERTON, of the Diplomatic
+Service, introduced to him. TOM is a devil of a fellow in Society.
+He warbles little songs of his own composition at afternoon teas,
+he insinuates himself into the elderly affections of stony-hearted
+dowagers, he can lead a _cotillon_ to perfection, and is universally
+acknowledged as an authority on gloves and handkerchiefs. It was at a
+shooting-party that he and the General met. The little fellow advanced
+simpering, and raised a limp and dangling hand to about the height
+of his eyes. The General had extended his in his usual bluff and
+unceremonious manner. Naturally enough the hands failed to meet. A
+puzzled look came over the General's face. In a moment, however,
+he had grasped the situation, and TITTERTON's hand, and shaken the
+latter with a ferocious heartiness. "OW!" screamed TOM. It was a short
+exclamation, but a world of agony was concentrated into it. "The
+old bear has spoilt my shooting for the day," said TITTERTON to me
+afterwards, as he missed his tenth partridge. That very evening, I
+remember, there was a great discussion in the smoking-room on the
+subject of wrestling. One of the party, a burly youth of twenty-six,
+boasted somewhat loudly of the tricks that a Cornishman had lately
+taught him. For a long time the General sat silently puffing his
+cigar, but at length the would-be wrestler said something that roused
+him. "Would you mind showing me how that's done?" he said; "I seem to
+remember something about it, but it was done differently in my time.
+No doubt your notion's an improvement." Nothing loth the burly one
+stood up. I don't quite know what happened. The General seemed to
+stoop with outstretched hands and then raise himself with a spring as
+he met his opponent. A large body hurtled through the air, and in a
+moment the younger man was lying flat on the carpet amidst the shouts
+of the company. "It's the old 'flying mare' my boy," said the General
+to me, "a very useful dodge. I learnt it fifty years ago."
+
+In the company of young men the General is at his very best. He knows
+all their little weaknesses, and chaffs them with delightful point and
+humour, though he would not, for all the world, give them pain. It
+is a pleasant sight to see the old fellow with a party of his young
+friends, poking sly fun at them, laughing with them, taking all their
+jests in good part, and thoroughly enjoying himself. He can walk most
+of them off their legs still, can row with them on the broad reaches
+of the Thames, and keep his form with the best of them; he can hold
+his gun straight at driven birds, and revel like a boy in a rattling
+run to hounds across country. All the youngsters respect him by
+instinct, and love the cheery old fellow, whose heart is as soft as
+his muscles are hard. They talk to him as to an elder brother, come to
+him for his advice, and, which is perhaps even more strange, like it,
+and follow it. Withal, the General is the most modest of men. In his
+youth he was a mighty man of war. It was only the other day that I
+heard (not from his own lips, you may be sure) the thrilling stories
+of his hand-to-hand conflict with two gigantic Russians in the fog of
+Inkermann, and of his rescue of a wounded Sergeant at the attack in
+the Redan. With women, old or young, the General uses an old-fashioned
+and chivalrous courtesy, as far removed from latter-day smartness as
+was BAYARD from BOULANGER. The younger ones adore him. They all seem
+to be his nieces, for they all call him Uncle JOHN.
+
+A year or two ago the General fell ill, and the doctors shook their
+heads. It was touching to see the concern of all his young friends.
+CHARLIE CHIRPER, a gay little butterfly of a fellow, who never seemed
+to treat life as anything but a huge joke, became gloomy with anxiety.
+Twice every day he called to make inquiries, and, as the bulletins
+got worse, CHARLIE became visibly thinner. I saw him at the Club one
+evening, sitting moodily in a corner. "What's up, CHARLIE?" I said
+to him. "You look as if you'd been refused by an heiress." "The Old
+General's worse to-day," said CHARLIE, simply. "They're very anxious
+about him. No, dash it all!" he went on, "it's too bad. I can't bear
+to think of it. Such an old ripper as the General! Why must they take
+him? Why can't they take a useless chap like me, who never did anyone
+any good?" And the unaccustomed tears came into the lad's eyes as he
+turned his head away. But the old General battled through, and, thank
+Heaven, I can still write of him in the present tense.
+
+Yours as always, my dear boy, DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ANECDOTAGE."
+
+(_COMPANION VOLUME TO OTHER WORKS OF THE SAME KIND._)
+
+A traveller in Italy during the middle ages knew a Chemist very well
+indeed. One day a rather stylish Lady, with a shifty look about the
+eyes, entered the shop and asked for some poison. "I cannot furnish
+you. Madam, with what you require. I have quarrelled with the
+undertaker." The Traveller subsequently ascertained that the name of
+the lady was LUCREZIA BORGIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Just before the Battle of Waterloo, FOUCHÉ met BONAPARTE, who was then
+in command of the French Army. He said, "You will find that, before
+this campaign is over, I shall have on one foot a BLUCHER, and on
+the other a WELLINGTON. It is fortunate for me I cannot find pairs
+of both! This is a proof (if one is needed) of the EMPEROR's fear of
+fate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was (as a lad) very fond of exploration. One day
+he went over to America, and, arriving at his destination, christened
+it Columbia. The land of the Yankees, even now, is occasionally known
+by this appellation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Punch_ one day was invited to listen to Someone's Recollections
+or Reminiscences. All went well for five minutes, when the
+Autobiographist, looking up from his Autobiography, found that _Mr.
+Punch_ was fast asleep. The Sage slumbered as the Representative of
+the Public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, October 8, 1892, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+October 8, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 8, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor:   Francis Burnand
+
+
+Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15441]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 103.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>October 8, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157"
+       id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+    <h2>AT A HYPNOTIC SÉANCE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Public Hall in a provincial town. The
+        Hypnotist&mdash;a tall, graceful, and handsome young man,
+        in well-fitting evening clothes&mdash;has already succeeded
+        in putting most of his subjects to sleep, and is going
+        round and inspecting them critically, as they droop limply
+        on a semicircle of chairs, in a variety of unpicturesque
+        attitudes. The only Lady on the platform is evidently as
+        yet in full possession of her senses.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First Female Spectator</i> (<i>to Second</i>). MARIA
+        MANGLES do take a time sending off, don't she?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second F.S.</i> (<i>also a friend of</i> Miss
+        MANGLES). Yes, that she do&mdash;it gives her such a silly
+        look, sitting there, the on'y one with her senses about
+        her!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First F.S.</i> It's all affectation&mdash;she could
+        shut her eyes fast enough if she <i>liked</i>!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second F.S.</i> The 'Ipnotiser's coming round to her
+        now&mdash;she'll <i>have</i> to go off now. (<i>With a not
+        unpleasurable anticipation</i>.) I expect he'll make her do
+        all manner o' ridic'lous things!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First F.S.</i> Well, it will be a lesson, to her
+        against making' herself so conspicuous another time. I
+        shan't pity her.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Hyp.</i> (<i>after a brief colloquy with</i> Miss
+        MANGLES). I see I am not likely to succeed with this Lady;
+        so, with many thanks to her on behalf of myself and the
+        audience for coming forward, I will detain her no
+        longer.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157.png"
+             alt="'I do. Lovely creature!'" /></a>"I do. Lovely
+             creature!"
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Applause, amidst which</i> Miss M. <i>descends to
+        her seat in the body of the hall, with a smile of conscious
+        triumph.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First F.S.</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). I don't see
+        what she's done to clap their hands about, myself!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second F.S.</i> Nor I neither&mdash;taking up his
+        time all for nothing&mdash;depend upon it she wouldn't have
+        gone up if he hadn't been so nice-looking!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First F.S.</i> I wouldn't like to think <i>that</i>
+        of her myself; but, anyhow, she didn't get much by it, did
+        she? He soon sent <i>her</i> packing!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Male Spectator</i> (<i>to a Woman in front of
+        him</i>). Evening, Mrs. MIDGELLY&mdash;I see they've got
+        your good man up on the platform.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> He <i>will</i> go, Mr. BUDKIN! He's gone
+        up every night the 'Ipnotiser's been here, and says he
+        feels it's going to do him good. So this evening I said I'd
+        come in too, and judge for myself. What good he expects to
+        get, laying there like a damp dishclout, <i>I</i> don't
+        know!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Meanwhile the</i> Hypnotist <i>has borrowed a
+        silver-handled umbrella from the audience, and thrust it
+        before the faces of one or two loutish-looking youths, who
+        immediately begin to squint horribly and follow the
+        silver-top with their noses, till they knock their heads
+        together.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. Budkin</i> (<i>to</i> Mrs. MIDGELLY). He's going
+        to give your husband a turn of it now.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The umbrella-handle is applied to</i> Mr. M., <i>a
+        feeble-looking little man with a sandy top-knot; he grovels
+        after the silver-top when it is depressed, and makes futile
+        attempts to clamber up the umbrella after it when it is
+        held aloft.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I haven't patience to
+        look at him. A <i>Kitten</i> 'ud have had more sense!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Hyp.</i> (<i>calling up one of the heavy
+        youths</i>). Can you whistle, Sir? Yes? Then whistle
+        something. (<i>The</i> Youth <i>whistles a popular air in a
+        lugubrious tone</i>.) Now you <i>can't</i>
+        whistle&mdash;try. (<i>The</i> Youth <i>tries&mdash;and
+        produces nothing but a close imitation of an air-cushion
+        that is being unscrewed</i>.) Now, if I were not to wake
+        him up, this young gentleman's friends would never enjoy
+        the benefit of his whistle again!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Voice from a Back Row. Don't</i> wake him, Guv'nor,
+        we can <i>bear</i> it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>after restoring the lost talent, and
+        calling up another</i> Youth, <i>somewhat smartly
+        attired</i>). Now, Sir, what do you drink?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Youth</i> (<i>with a sleepy candour</i>). Beer
+        when I can get 'old of it.</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Friend of his in Audience</i>. JIM's 'aving a lark
+        with him&mdash;he said as 'ow he meant to kid him
+        like&mdash;<i>he</i> ain't 'ipnotised, bless yer!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> But you like water, too, don't you? (JIM
+        <i>admits this&mdash;in moderation.)</i> Try this. (<i>He
+        gives him a tumbler of water</i>.) Is that good water?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Jim</i> (<i>smacking his lips</i>). That's good water
+        enough, Sir.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> It's bad water&mdash;taste it again.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[JIM <i>tastes, and ejects it with every symptom of
+        extreme disapproval.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Jim's Friend</i>. Try him with a drop o' Scotch in
+        it&mdash;<i>'e'll</i> get it down!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>to</i> JIM). There is <i>no</i> water in
+        that glass&mdash;it's full of sovereigns, don't you see?
+        (JIM <i>agrees that this is so, and testifies to his
+        conviction by promptly emptying the contents of the glass
+        into his trousers' pocket</i>) What have you got in your
+        pocket?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Jim</i> (<i>chuckling with satisfaction</i>).
+        Quids&mdash;golden sovereigns!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> Wake up! <i>Now</i> what do you find in your
+        pocket&mdash;any sovereigns?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Jim</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Sovereigns? No, Sir!
+        (<i>After putting his hand in his pocket, bringing it out
+        dripping, and dolefully regarding the stream of water
+        issuing from his leg</i>.) More like water, Sir.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He makes dismal efforts to dry himself, amidst roars
+        of laughter.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>His Friend</i>. Old JIM didn't come best out o'
+        that!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>to</i> JIM). You don't feel comfortable?
+        (<i>Emphatic assent from</i> JIM.) Yes, you do, you feel no
+        discomfort whatever.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[JIM <i>resumes his seat with a satisfied
+        expression.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>An Open-minded Spect.</i> Mind yer, if this yere
+        'Ipnotism can prevent water from being wet, there must be
+        <i>something</i> in it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> I will now give you an illustration of the
+        manner in which, by hypnotic influence, a subject can_ be
+        affected with an entirely imaginary pain. Take this
+        gentleman. (<i>Indicating the unfortunate</i> Mr. MIDGELLY,
+        <i>who is slumbering peacefully</i>.) Now, what pain shall
+        we give him?</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Voice</i>. Stomach-ache!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>This suggestion, however, is so coyly advanced that
+        it fortunately escapes notice.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> Tooth-ache? Very good&mdash;we will give him
+        tooth-ache.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The Audience receive this with enthusiasm, which
+        increases to rapturous delight when</i> Mr. MIDGELLY's
+        <i>cheek begins to twitch violently, and he nurses his jaw
+        in acute agony; the tooth-ache is then transferred to
+        another victim, who writhes in an even more entertaining
+        manner, until the unhappy couple are finally relieved from
+        torment.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>A Spect.</i> Well, it's better nor any play, this
+        is&mdash;but he ought to ha' passed the toothache round the
+        lot of 'em, just for the fun o' the thing!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Midgelly</i>. I should ha' thought there was
+        toothache enough without coming here to get more of it, but
+        so long as MIDGELLY's enjoyin' himself, <i>I</i> shan't
+        interfere!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> Hypnot. <i>has impressed his subjects with
+        the idea that there is an Angel at the other end of the
+        hall, and they are variously affected by the celestial
+        apparition, some gazing with a rapt grin, while others
+        invoke her stiffly, or hail her like a cab.</i> Mr.
+        MIDGELLY <i>alone exhibits no interest.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. Budkin</i> (<i>to</i> Mrs. M.). Your 'usband
+        don't seem to be putting himself out, Angel or no
+        Angel.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>complacently</i>). He knows too well
+        what's due to <i>me</i>, Mr. BUDKIN. <i>I'm</i> Angel
+        enough for him!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Hyp.</i> I shall now persuade this Gentleman that
+        there is a beautiful young lady in green at the door of
+        this hall. (<i>To</i> Mr. M.) Do you see her, Sir?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. M.</i> (<i>rising with alacrity</i>). I do.
+        Lovely creature!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He suddenly snatches up a decanter of water, and
+        invites his invisible charmer, in passionate pantomime, to
+        come up and share it with him&mdash;to the infinite delight
+        of the Audience, and disgust of his Wife.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">After the Performance.</h3>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. Midgelly</i> (<i>as he rejoins his Wife</i>). I
+        felt the influence more strongly to-night than what I have
+        yet; and the Professor says, if I only keep on coming up
+        every night while he's here, I shall soon be completely
+        susceptible to&mdash;Why, whatever's the matter, my
+        dear?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> Matter! You're quite susceptible enough
+        as it is; and, now I know how you can go on, you don't
+        catch me letting <i>you</i> get 'ipnotised again. You and
+        your young lady in green indeed!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. M.</i> (<i>utterly mystified</i>). Me and
+        my&mdash;I don't know what you're alluding to. It's the
+        first <i>I've</i> heard of it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>grimly</i>). Well, it won't be the
+        last by a long way. Oh, the insight I've had into your
+        character this evening, MIDGELLY!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Mr. M. <i>is taken home, to realise that Hypnotism is
+        not altogether without its dangers.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158"
+       id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158.png"
+             alt="THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON.</h3>
+
+        <blockquote class="note">
+            <p>"Nothing could have served my purpose better, than
+            to have drawn this illuminating flash out of the
+            thunders," &amp;c., &amp;c.&mdash;<i>Vide Duke of
+            Argyll's Letter to The Times, and his Letter to
+            Somebody who had drawn his Grace's attention to Mr.
+            Gladstone's Snowdon Speech.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MEM. FROM WHITBREADFORDSHIRE.&mdash;Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE is
+    reported to have said, "I'll give you a good tip. Back
+    <i>Duke</i>&mdash;and my horses for the Cambridgeshire." New
+    Carpet Knight not successful as a sporting tipster, seeing that
+    Colonel DUKE, though he fought well, was beaten. Perhaps Sir
+    BLUNDELL meant <i>the Duke</i>, who races every night at Drury
+    Lane. That's a very good tip, as safe as houses&mdash;Drury
+    Lane houses, of course.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A CITY PARADOX.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our City Aldermanic lights</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who talk (and live) a trifle high,</p>
+
+            <p>In stern defence of civic rights</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Profess themselves prepared to die.</p>
+
+            <p>And yet the Aldermanic crowd&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's amply true, say what you
+            will&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>With open eyes have just allowed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Mayoralty to come to KNILL!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"HABITUAL DRUNKARDS COMMITTEE."&mdash;An awful-looking
+    heading to a paragraph! What a picture the imagination may
+    conjure up of a Committee of Habitual Drunkards! There would be
+    the Honble. TOM TOPER, Lord SOTT, SAM SOKER, Marquis of MOPPS
+    and BROOMS, Captain FUDDLE, DICK SWIZZLER, R.N., FRANK FARGONE
+    (of the <i>Daily Booze</i>), with TITE ASA DRUMM in the Chair,
+    or if not, under the table with the others.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page159"
+       id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+
+    <h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Grouse in the Gun-room.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Many manuals have been published for the edification of
+    beginners in the art of shooting. If that art can indeed be
+    acquired by reading, there is no reason why any youth, whose
+    education has been properly attended to, should not be
+    perfectly proficient in it without having fired a single shot.
+    But, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has noticed in all these volumes a grave
+    defect. In none of them is any instruction given which shall
+    enable a man to obtain a conversational as well as a merely
+    shooting success. Every pursuit has its proper conversational
+    complement. The Farmer must know how to speak of crops and the
+    weather in picturesque and inflammatory language; the Barrister
+    must note, for use at the dinner-table, the subtle jests of his
+    colleagues, the perplexity of stumbling witnesses, and the
+    soul-stirring jokes of Judges; the Clergyman must babble of
+    Sunday-schools and Choir-practices. Similarly, a Shooter must
+    be able to speak of his sport and its varied incidents. To be
+    merely a good shot is nothing. Many dull men can be that. The
+    great thing, surely, is to be both a good shot and a cheerful
+    light-hearted companion, with a fund of anecdotes and a rich
+    store of allusions appropriate to every phase of shooting.
+    <i>Mr. Punch</i> ventures to hope that the hints he has here
+    put together, may be of value to all who propose to go out and
+    "kill something" with a gun.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">The Gun.</h3>
+
+    <p>No subject offers a greater variety of conversation than
+    this. But, of course, the occasion counts for a good deal. It
+    would be foolish to discharge it (metaphorically speaking) at
+    the head of the first comer. You must watch for your
+    opportunity. For instance, guns ought not to be talked about
+    directly after breakfast, before a shot has been fired. Better
+    wait till after the shooting-lunch, when a fresh start is being
+    made, say for the High Covert half a mile away. You can then
+    begin after this fashion to your host:&mdash;"That's a nice gun
+    of yours, CHALMERS. I saw you doing rare work with it at the
+    corner of the new plantation this morning." CHALMERS is sure to
+    be pleased. You not only call attention to his skill, but you
+    praise his gun, and a man's gun is, as a rule, as sacred to him
+    as his pipe, his political prejudices, his taste in wine, or
+    his wife's jewels. Therefore, CHALMERS is pleased. He smiles in
+    a deprecating way, and says, "Yes, it's not a bad gun, one of a
+    pair I bought last year."</p>
+
+    <p>"Would you mind letting me feel it?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly not, my dear fellow here you are."</p>
+
+    <p>You then interchange guns, having, of course, assured one
+    another that they are not loaded. Having received CHALMERS's
+    gun, you first appear to weigh it critically. Then, with an air
+    of great resolution, you bring it to your shoulder two or three
+    times in rapid succession, and fire imaginary shots at a cloud,
+    or a tuft of grass. You now hand it back to CHALMERS,
+    observing, "By Jove, old chap, it's beautifully balanced! It
+    comes up splendidly. Suits me better than my own." CHALMERS,
+    who will have been going through a similar pantomime with your
+    gun, will make some decently complimentary remark about it, and
+    each of you will think the other a devilish knowing and
+    agreeable fellow.</p>
+
+    <p>From this point you can diverge into a discussion of the
+    latest improvements, as, <i>e.g.</i>, "Are ejectors really
+    valuable?" This is sure to bring out the man who has tried
+    ejectors, and has given them up, because last year, at one of
+    the hottest corners he ever knew, when the sky was simply black
+    with pheasants, the ejectors of both his guns got stuck. He
+    will talk of this incident as another man might talk of the
+    loss of a friend or a fortune. Here you may say,&mdash;"By gad,
+    what frightful luck! What did you do?" He will then narrate his
+    comminatory interview with his gun-maker; others will burst in,
+    and defend ejectors, or praise their own gun-makers, and the
+    ball, once set rolling, will not be stopped until you take your
+    places for the first beat of the afternoon, just as MARKHAM is
+    telling you that his old Governor never shoots with anything
+    but an old muzzle-loader by MANTON, and makes deuced good
+    practice with it too.</p>
+
+    <p>"Choke" is not a very good topic; it doesn't last long.
+    After you have asked your neighbour if his gun is choked, and
+    told him that your left barrel has a modified choke, the
+    subject is pretty well exhausted.</p>
+
+    <p>"Cast-off." Not to be recommended. There is very little to
+    be made of it.</p>
+
+    <p>Something may be done with the price of guns. There's sure
+    to be someone who has done all his best and straightest
+    shooting with a gun that cost him only £15. Everybody else will
+    say, "It's perfect rot giving such high prices for guns. You
+    only pay for the name. Mere robbery." But there isn't one of
+    them who would consent not to be robbed.</p>
+
+    <p>It sometimes creates a pretty effect to call your gun "My
+    old fire-iron," or "my bundook," or "this old gas-pipe of
+    mine."</p>
+
+    <p>"Bore." Never pun on this word. It is never done in really
+    good sporting society. But you can make a few remarks, here and
+    there, about the comparative merits of twelve-bore and
+    sixteen-bore. Choose a good opening for telling your story of
+    the man who shot with a fourteen-bore gun, ran short of
+    cartridges on a big day, and was, of course, unable to borrow
+    from anyone else. Hence you can deduce the superiority of
+    twelve-bores, as being the more common size.</p>
+
+    <p>All these subjects, like all others connected with shooting,
+    can be resumed and continued after dinner, and in the
+    smoking-room. Talk of the staleness of smoke! It's nothing to
+    the staleness of the stories to which four self-respecting
+    smoking-room walls have to listen in the course of an
+    evening.</p>
+
+    <center>
+        (<i>To be continued.</i>)
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/159.png"
+             alt="A PIS-ALLER." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A PIS-ALLER.</h3>
+
+        <p>"ARE THERE ANY NIGGERS ON THE BEACH THIS MORNING,
+        MAMMIE?"</p>
+
+        <p>"NO, DEAR; IT'S SUNDAY MORNING."</p>
+
+        <p>"OH, THEN I MAY AS WELL GO TO CHURCH WITH YOU!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>BY-AND-BY LAWS FOR TRAFALGAR SQUARE.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>When Meetings are held in "Times of Political or Social
+    Crises</i>.")</h4>
+
+    <p>1. Cabs, omnibuses, carriages, and pedestrians will be
+    expected to keep clear of the space occupied by the
+    Demonstrators.</p>
+
+    <p>2. To prevent destruction of glass and removal of property
+    from shop windows, tradesmen will be expected to put up their
+    shutters several hours before the holding of the meeting.</p>
+
+    <p>3. No particular notice will be paid to the transference of
+    property from one leader of labour to another. If done by
+    stealth, it will be accepted as a proof of secret
+    Socialism.</p>
+
+    <p>4. No objection will be raised to combats amongst the
+    Demonstrators, with the restriction that no Government property
+    is injured.</p>
+
+    <p>5. As the maintaining of the road is a matter of contract,
+    Demonstrators wishing to emphasise their opinions, must bring
+    their own stones.</p>
+
+    <p>6. As a good deal of property is expected to change hands
+    during the various proceedings, an application with a
+    description of lost goods, and photograph of supposed thief,
+    can be addressed to the Chief Inspector of Police, Scotland
+    Yard.</p>
+
+    <p>7. These regulations (which are tentative) will be in force
+    until after the next General Election, when a fresh series will
+    be published, to be followed by others as occasion may
+    require.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160"
+       id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+    <h2>A POOR ROAD TO LEARNING.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of a School Board Office.
+        Official discovered hard at work, doing single-handed in
+        London what is done by nearly a thousand officials combined
+        in "Bonnie Scotland." Enter Female Applicant, with
+        infant.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Applicant</i>. Please, Sir, here's my boy. Can you
+        take him?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Official</i>. Certainly. Has he had any
+        education?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Well, as he's rising five, not much.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> But does he know anything? For instance, has
+        he learned any English history?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Not that I know of.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Has he dipped into geography?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Well, I don't think he has.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Can he cipher at all?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Not very well.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Does he know what two and two make?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Well, he has never said he does.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Can he write?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Well, no, he doesn't write.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> But I suppose he can read? Come, he at least
+        can read?</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Well, no, Sir, I am afraid he's not much of
+        a scholar. I don't think he can read.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Then he is absolutely
+        ignorant&mdash;miserably ignorant.</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Very likely, Sir,&mdash;you know best.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Well, now, my good woman, I will tell you
+        what we will do with him. We will teach him to read, write,
+        and cipher, and give him an excellent education.</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> And you will take care of him, Sir?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Off.</i> Of course we will take care of him; and as
+        for his education, we will&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>App.</i> Oh, Sir, so long as you looks after him,
+        never you mind about his education!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Exit infantless.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TO MAUD.</h3>
+
+    <h4><i>A Penitent Roundel.</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I called you MAUDE. I only meant to tease,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But somehow, ere I ended, came to
+            laud</p>
+
+            <p>Your charms in my poor verses. So in these</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">I called you MAUDE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"My name is <i>MAUD</i>."</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And I am overawed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Forgive the indiscretion if you
+            please.</p>
+
+            <p>The spirit Truth, they tell me, is abroad,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And since she sojourns still across the
+            seas,</p>
+
+            <p>I swear I knew the final <i>e</i> a fraud&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So that you suffered from no lack of
+            <i>e</i>'s</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">I called you MAUDE!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>KNILL NISI BOIMUM.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/160-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160-1.png"
+             alt="Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose." />
+             </a>Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The good common sense of the Common Councilman and Liverymen
+    of the City,&mdash;Liverymen not to be led astray by any false
+    lights,&mdash;coupled with their truly English love of
+    fairplay, prevailed, and the City Fathers on Goose Day were
+    prevented from following in the goose-steps of that Uncommon
+    Councilman who, bearing the honoured names of BEAUFOY (a fine
+    old Norman-Baron title!) and of MOORE (shade of Sir THOMAS!),
+    made so extraordinary a display of bigotry and ignorance as, it
+    is to be hoped, is rare, and becoming rarer every day, among
+    our worthy JOHN GILPINS of credit and renown East of the
+    Griffin.</p>
+
+    <p>But in spite of this nonsensical hot-gospelling rant,
+    Alderman and Sheriff STUART KNILL was elected Lord Mayor, while
+    BEAUFOY MOORE was, so to speak, no MOORE, and, in fact, very
+    much against his will and wish, was reduced to NIL.
+    WILLY-KNILLY he had to cave in. <i>Mr. Punch</i> congratulates
+    the Lord Mayor Elect, but still more does he congratulate the
+    City Fathers on rising above paltry sectarianism, so utterly
+    unworthy of time, place, and persons, and for standing up, in
+    true English fashion, for freedom of worship coupled with
+    absolute Liberty of Conscience.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE PRIDE OF THE EMPIRE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/160-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160-2.png"
+             alt="'A Warde with you.'" /></a>"A Warde with you."
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:23%;">
+        <a href="images/160-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160-3.png"
+             alt="Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period)." />
+             </a>Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period).
+    </div>
+
+    <p>At this moment there is really a very excellent
+    extertainment at the Empire Theatre of Varieties, something, or
+    rather many things of which the Management may, and should be
+    proud. A capital troupe of Bicyclists, a Spanish Dancer and
+    singer&mdash;whose gestures to the multitude are more
+    intelligible than her language&mdash;a graceful, serpentine
+    dancer, and "a very peculiar American Comedian"&mdash;all these
+    are a part of the programme. But the best item in this liberal
+    bill of fare is <i>Round the Town</i>, a characteristic Ballet,
+    in five <i>tableaux</i>. The composers of this pleasing piece
+    are Madame KATTI LANNER, and Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. As the lady
+    is well known for her admirable dances, it may be safely
+    presumed that the gentleman is solely responsible for the plot,
+    or rather "the argument." It runs as follows:&mdash;"<i>Dr.
+    Burch</i>, newly arrived in London with his pupils, wishes to
+    show them the sights. What better to begin with than Covent
+    Garden Market in the early morning?" Quite so, the more
+    especially as the lads must be very backward boys. There are
+    six of them, and the youngest seems about thirty, and the
+    oldest about double that age. The Doctor must have rescued them
+    from Epsom Race Course, and apparently is attempting to give
+    them an education fitting them to follow what seems to be his
+    own calling&mdash;the profession of an undertaker. These
+    elderly pupils follow their kind preceptor (for, although he is
+    called <i>Burch</i>, there is not the slightest suggestion of
+    the rod about him, and, moreover, his charges are really too
+    elderly to receive chastisement) to the Royal Exchange, the
+    Thames Embankment, and, lastly, to the Empire. During their
+    travels, they meet <i>Mr. Rapless</i>, known as "the Oofless
+    Swell," (a part amusingly played by Mr. W. WARDE), and <i>John
+    Brough</i>, a carpenter with a taste for ballet costumes and
+    drink, the carpenter's wife, and the carpenter's
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161"
+       id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> child. <i>Dr. Burch</i>,
+       who is evidently easy-going, but good-hearted, after
+       flirting with a lady who has her boots cleaned before the
+       Royal Exchange, suddenly developes into a philanthropist,
+       not to say a divine. On the carpenter's wife and child
+       appearing on the Thames Embankment in the characters of
+       would-be suicides, the worthy pedagogue convinces them (to
+       quote the programme) "That they have no right to take away
+       the lives which the Almighty has placed in their hands."
+       Mother and child are quickly convinced, and the neat but
+       drunken father (Signorina MALVINA CAVALAZZI) appearing on
+       the scene, the good man informs him that his wife and child
+       are dead, "driven to an untimely grave by his (the
+       intemperate but natty artisan's) desertion and cruelty." The
+       effect of this inaccurate statement is startling. To quote
+       once more from the argument, "incontinently the now penitent
+       ruffian falls fainting to the ground." But he is brought
+       back to himself, his better self, by his child whispering
+       "Father!" The situation is full of pathos, even when
+       witnessed from the Stalls. Recovering his senses, the
+       converted carpenter promptly borrows money from the good old
+       Doctor, and when that estimable gentleman is about to enter
+       the Empire Theatre of Varieties (accompanied by his school),
+       a little later he has the "satisfaction of seeing his
+       <i>protégé Mortimer</i> (the ex-ruffian), returning
+       contentedly from his work." This is the simple but pathetic
+       story that Mr. GEO. EDWARDES touchingly tells with the
+       assistance of a full <i>corps de ballet</i>, five
+       <i>tableaux</i>, and last, but certainly not least, the
+       hints of Madame KATTI LANNER.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-2.png"
+             alt="Jolly Tar A.B. 'Hip, Hip, Hooray!'" /></a>Jolly
+             Tar A.B. "Hip, Hip, Hooray!"
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/161-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-3.png"
+             alt="Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen from Empire Stalls." />
+        </a>Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen from
+        Empire Stalls.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>There are many remarkable persons in <i>Round the Town</i>.
+    Notably an effeminate but substantial stock-broker, who looks
+    like a stock-jobber's maiden-aunt in disguise. Another
+    important personage is a representative of the Navy, whose
+    figure suggests as an appropriate greeting, "Hip, hip, hip,
+    hooray!" Both these characters are well-played, and although
+    subordinate parts, make their mark, or rather, we should say,
+    score heavily. Altogether; the ballet is excellent both in
+    dances and plot. The first is a testimony of the good head of
+    Madame KATTI LANNER, and the last of the equally good heart of
+    Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. There is no doubt that <i>Round the
+    Town</i> will draw all London to see (in its realistic scenes)
+    all London drawn!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>From a Collection of Communications supplied by our
+    Prophetic Compiler.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;Forgive me for addressing you, but the
+    urgency of the occasion warrants the intrusion. A hundred years
+    since, the old Fighting <i>Foudroyant</i> was sold by the
+    Admiralty to be broken up. The moment the Public of the Period
+    learned the cruel fact through the customary sources of
+    information, they flew to the rescue. Headed by the then LORD
+    MAYOR, they raised a fund to bring back the discarded vessel,
+    and yet in those distant days there were they who denied that
+    the <i>Foudroyant</i> had ever done anything in particular. And
+    now we propose doing the same thing. On the Thames there is an
+    ancient steamboat called <i>Citizen Z</i>, that once belonged
+    to the Company that started penny river lifts. It is certainly
+    rather out of date, but is full of historical memories. It is
+    said that the Cabinet travelled to Greenwich on its venerable
+    boards, where they feasted on the half-forgotten Whitebait, and
+    the entirely, superseded Champagne. It has carried, at one time
+    or another, all the nobility to Rosherville, there to spend (as
+    the old saying went) "a happy day," and yet it is proposed to
+    break it up! Out upon the thought! Have we no veneration for
+    our relics of the past? Cannot we appreciate a boat that should
+    have had an honoured place in the Museum at Woolwich? Do not
+    let this act of Vandalism be done. Save the steamer for the
+    sake of its past.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours truly, A REAR-ADMIRAL.</p>
+
+    <p><i>H.M.S. Electric-Balloon, Skye.</i></p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;I appeal to you, and I know I shall
+    not appeal in vain. The picturesque Cabman's Shelter in the
+    middle of Piccadilly is threatened! I hope you will exert your
+    influence to preserve it. It absolutely teems with historical
+    associations. Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL is supposed to have used
+    it for writing his famous letter on the Poor-Laws, and to this
+    day is shown the initials of CHARLES STUART PARNELL which were
+    carved by that celebrated statesman on one of its benches about
+    the middle of the last century&mdash;probably in 1854. And why
+    is it to be removed? Simply because it is said to impede the
+    traffic! Could anything be more absurd? Do, pray, save it from
+    the hand of the ruthless "improver." Yours truly,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ONE WHO RESPECTS THE PAST.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tumbledowns, West Kensington</i> (<i>late
+    Reading</i>).</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-1.png"
+             alt="OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>First Chieftain</i>. "I SAY, OLD CHAP, WHAT A DOOSE
+        OF A BORE THESE GAMES ARE!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Chieftain</i>. "AH, BUT, MY DEAR BOY, IT IS
+        THIS SORT OF THING THAT HAS MADE US SCOTCHMEN <i>WHAT WE
+        ARE</i>!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162"
+       id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/162.png"
+             alt="A NUISANCE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A NUISANCE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Miss Priscilla</i>. "YES; IT'S A BEAUTIFUL VIEW. BUT
+        TOURISTS ARE IN THE HABIT OF BATHING ON THE OPPOSITE SHORE,
+        AND THAT'S RATHER A DRAWBACK."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fair Visitor</i>. "DEAR ME! BUT AT SUCH A DISTANCE AS
+        THAT&mdash;SURELY&mdash;"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Miss Priscilla</i>. "AH, BUT WITH A <i>TELESCOPE</i>,
+        YOU KNOW!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>AT LAST!</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Jeremiad by a Middle-aged Martyr to the great Seaside
+    Superstition.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["To middle-aged people, at all events, nothing can be
+        more trying and deleterious than holidays."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        News</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, thanks to thee, thanks to thee, sage
+            unconventional!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Heaven be blest, the truth's out, then,
+            at last!</p>
+
+            <p>Holiday woes&mdash;'twould take volumes to mention
+            all!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now, in the lump, meet a shrewd
+            counterblast.</p>
+
+            <p><i>Trying?</i> Of course they are! <i>Most
+            deleterious?</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Scribe, let me clasp thee, in thought, to
+            this breast!</p>
+
+            <p>Holiday-hunting is Man's most mysterious,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Maddening guest!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Quixote</i>, I swear, was a model of sanity,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When with the Holiday-seeker
+            compared.</p>
+
+            <p>Fidgety folly, and fussy inanity.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">These be the figments by which we are
+            snared.</p>
+
+            <p>Soon as you're drawn from your own cosy
+            drawing-room,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Far over flood, field, or foam&mdash;for
+            your sins&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Then, when your breast makes for vulturine gnawing
+            room,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Bother begins!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bother, that bugbear of bufferish Middle-Age!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Swift "scurry-funging" may do for the
+            young,</p>
+
+            <p>The "hey-diddle-diddle, the Cat-and-the-fiddle"
+            age.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Over the moon" I myself once had
+            sprung,</p>
+
+            <p>Thirty years syne, in sheer fervour
+            athletical&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now, like the dog, I would laugh, and
+            look on.</p>
+
+            <p>Once, with sheer "drive," I'd a sense
+            sympathetical&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Now I have none!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Holiday? Term, Sir, is simply a synonym</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For&mdash;waste of tissue! What doctor
+            will dare</p>
+
+            <p>Tell his poor patients so? <i>I</i>'ll put <i>my</i>
+            tin on him!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Rest? Recreation? Pick-up? Change of
+            air?</p>
+
+            <p>All question-begging fudge-phrases of sophistry!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let city-toilers who're fagged or "run
+            down,"</p>
+
+            <p>Autumnal <i>quiet</i> (in home or in office),
+            try;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Not</i> "out of town."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Out of town? Where is the term that's
+            claptrappier?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Means</i> out of temper, or out of
+            your mind.</p>
+
+            <p>Boot-black or old crossing-sweeper's far
+            happier,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tied to his task in the town&mdash;as
+            you'll find.</p>
+
+            <p>Picking up coppers far better than picking up</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shells by the sea, or sham friends on the
+            snore.</p>
+
+            <p>Bah! What have buffers to do with such
+            kicking-up</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Heels? It's a bore!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Who'll start a League to be called Anti-Holiday?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bet half the middle-aged men-folk will
+            join!</p>
+
+            <p>Then we <i>might</i> get an occasional jolly
+            day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Free from the pests who perplex and
+            purloin.</p>
+
+            <p>"Health-Resort" quackery, portmanteau-packery,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cheat-brigade charges and chills I might
+            miss.</p>
+
+            <p>Dear-bought jimcrackery, female
+            knicknackery!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Oh! 'twere pure bliss!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>BRAVO, BOBBY!</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The Brighton Police have received orders to move on
+        all organ-grinders."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bless you, Brighton Bobby, bless you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Boldly bringing balmy bliss!</p>
+
+            <p>Barrel&mdash;organ barred&mdash;I guess you</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Banish blatant bands with this.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Brazen blasts, by boobies blowing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bad as barrel's buzz can be.</p>
+
+            <p>Bid them budge! I'd vote for throwing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Beggars like these in the sea.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Battered bands from Bremen, Berlin;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bearded bandits, born between</p>
+
+            <p>Bari and Bergamo, hurl in!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bathed&mdash;that's what they've never
+            been!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Britons all, oh, be not laggards,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But, like Brighton, move them on!</p>
+
+            <p>Bad, bacteria-hearing black-guards,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Beastly, blatant brutes, begone!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ANOTHER ABOUT THE NEW LORD MAYOR ELECT.&mdash;"It's <i>a
+    Knill wind</i> that blows nobody any good." <i>Signed</i>,
+    BOGIE MOORE.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163"
+       id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/163.png"
+             alt="THE OLD SPIRIT." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE OLD SPIRIT.</h3>
+
+        <center>
+            ["<i>Gentlemen of the Life
+            Guards,&mdash;Forward&mdash;March!"&mdash;</i>Sir
+            WALTER SCOTT. "<i>Old Mortality</i>."]
+        </center>
+
+        <p>L'ESPRIT DE CORPS (<i>loq.</i>). "SHAME! SHAME!&mdash;IS
+        IT THUS YOU USE YOUR SWORDS? WHATEVER MAY HAVE HAPPENED,
+        ARE WE NOT STILL 'GENTLEMEN OF THE LIFE GUARDS'?"</p>
+
+        <blockquote class="note">
+            <p>"It is stated that Lord METHUEN, after censuring the
+            conduct of the regiment, requested the men who had cut
+            the saddle-panels to step forward and own the act,
+            which would in that case be dealt with simply as a case
+            of insubordination. He gave them a few minutes to
+            consider, but as none of them made any admission, he
+            intimated that he should have to report the matter to
+            the Commander-in-Chief as a mutiny."&mdash;<i>Daily
+            Paper, 30th Sept.</i>, 1892.</p>
+        </blockquote>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165"
+       id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/165.png"
+             alt="AN ABSENT AUDIENCE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AN ABSENT AUDIENCE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Socialist</i>. "Ah!&mdash;it's all very well yer
+        looking at <i>Me</i>, with yer Smiles AND yer
+        Jeers...."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>DE CORONA.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The shape of the hat is another token in which
+        individuality asserts itself, and the angle at which it is
+        worn. There are men who vary this angle with their
+        different moods."&mdash;<i>Article on "Men's Dress," Daily
+        News, Sept.</i> 10.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You ask why I gaze with devotion</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At ALGERNON's features, my love?</p>
+
+            <p>Nay, you are astray in your notion,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My glance is directed above;</p>
+
+            <p>His hair may be yellow or ruddy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No longer I'm anxious for that,</p>
+
+            <p>But now I incessantly study</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">The tilt of his hat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>At times it will carelessly dangle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With an air of æsthetic repose,</p>
+
+            <p>At others will point to an angle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Inclined to the tip of his nose;</p>
+
+            <p>When it rests on the side of his head, he</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will smile at whatever befalls,</p>
+
+            <p>When pushed o'er his brow, we make ready</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">For numerous squalls!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When he starts for his train to the City</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It is put on exactly upright,</p>
+
+            <p>And who would not view it with pity</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Return, mud-bespattered, at night?</p>
+
+            <p>When early, so polished and glowing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Jammed on at haphazard when late;</p>
+
+            <p>It forms a barometer, showing</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">His mood up to date.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And you, who are young and unmarried,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Give heed to my counsel, I pray;</p>
+
+            <p>Do not, I entreat you, be carried</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By wealth or affection away;</p>
+
+            <p>The heroine, novelists mention,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Eyes fondly his features." Instead,</p>
+
+            <p>Observe, for <i>your</i> part, with attention,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">The hat on his head!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A NEW COLLECTION OF <i>HIMS</i>, ANCIENT AND
+    MODERN.&mdash;The Church Congress at Folkestone.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square.</i></p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p>
+
+    <p>We were not overcrowded last week at Newmarket, and really
+    the more one takes racing from a business point of view, the
+    more attractive it becomes!&mdash;at least, I have found it so
+    myself ever since it has been my duty to acquire information
+    for the benefit of my readers.</p>
+
+    <p>There was only one thing that annoyed me during the week,
+    and that was the inconsiderate behaviour of <i>Windgall</i> in
+    winning the October Handicap, although it was a most
+    extraordinary confirmation of my remarks anent his performance
+    in the Leicester Handicap, in my last letter; but it <i>is</i>
+    annoying that, when you select a horse to win a race, he runs
+    <i>second</i>, and directly after wins a race for which he is
+    <i>not</i> selected, beating the horse chosen by a
+    length!&mdash;it puzzles me completely, as it is impossible in
+    this case to put it down to want of good breeding! We were
+    sorry not to have the <i>Buccaneer-Orvieto</i> match decided,
+    as it would have been the event of the meeting; but, as the old
+    proverb runs, "a wise owner is merciful to his beast," so
+    <i>Orvieto</i> had an afternoon's rest at the price of
+    £100!&mdash;rather more than some people might be inclined to
+    pay for a game of forfeits!</p>
+
+    <p>The time is not yet ripe&mdash;(has anyone <i>ever</i> seen
+    time get ripe, I wonder?)&mdash;for disclosing what I know
+    about the Cesarewitch&mdash;(I never know whether I've spelt
+    that correctly or not!&mdash;and the more you look at it the
+    "wronger" it seems!)&mdash;but I may mention that I've heard
+    great accounts of <i>Kingkneel</i>, who was bought the other
+    day for Sir GREENASH BURNLEY (the latest favourite of fortune,
+    and beloved of the ring)&mdash;and had he not earned a
+    penalty&mdash;(this expression ought to be changed, as it
+    implies, to my mind, which is an <i>excellent</i> average
+    sample; a misdemeanor)&mdash;by winning a paltry thousand
+    pounds race somewhere; I really believe the
+    Cesare&mdash;no!&mdash;not again!&mdash;was at his
+    mercy&mdash;but now, as the turf-writer puts it&mdash;"I shall
+    look elsewhere!"&mdash;as if <i>that</i> would make any
+    difference!&mdash;but of this race, more anon, and meantime,
+    those who are fond of the "good things" of this life must not
+    miss my selection for the big race of next week at
+    Kempton&mdash;on the Jubilee Course, which said course, I am
+    told, is by no means a Jubilee for the jockeys, owing to the
+    danger in "racing for the bend."</p>
+
+    <p>There are several horses entered who seem to have great
+    chances, making the race as difficult as a problem in
+    <i>Euclid</i>&mdash;but my selection will most certainly be
+    "there, or thereabouts," which is a comforting, if somewhat
+    vague reflection.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours truly, LADY GAY.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">Duke of York Stakes Selection.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The muse is dull!&mdash;the day is dead!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And vain is all endeavour</p>
+
+            <p>To light afresh the poet's spark&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I <i>can't</i> find a rhyme for the
+            winner,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8"><i>Iddesleigh</i>,</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>P.S.&mdash;Really it's most thoughtless of owners to harass
+    one with such names!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"IN THIS STYLE, TWO-AND-SIX."</h2>
+
+    <h4 class="sc">(In the Pound).</h4>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I have been much struck with the suggestion to do
+    without hats, and have made trial of the system. It has also
+    made trial of <i>me</i>, in the way of colds in the head,
+    bronchial catarrh, &amp;c., but I still persevere. <i>It's so
+    much cheaper!</i> I have sold my stock of old hats for
+    half-a-crown, and calculate that I shall save <i>quite three
+    shillings per annum</i> by not buying new ones. Surely anybody
+    can see that this is well worth doing! I am now seriously
+    contemplating the possibility of <i>doing without
+    boots</i>!</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours truly,<br />
+    SAVE THE SAXPENCES.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;Talk about hair growing if you leave off hats! My
+    hair was falling off in handfuls a little time ago. Did I
+    abjure hats altogether? Not being a born idiot, I did not. But
+    I saw that what was needed was proper ventilation aloft. So I
+    had a specially-constructed top-hat made, with holes all round
+    it. In fact there were more holes than hat, and the hatter
+    scornfully referred to it as a "sieve." The invention answered
+    splendidly. There was a thorough draught constantly rushing
+    across the top of my head, with the speed and violence of a
+    first-class tornado. My locks, before so scanty, at once began
+    to grow in such profusion that it now seems impossible to stop
+    them, except by liberal applications of "Crinificatrix," the
+    Patent Hair Restorer. <i>That</i> checks the growth
+    effectually. My general name among chance acquaintances is "Old
+    Doormat." You can judge how thick my hair must be and I ascribe
+    it entirely to the beneficent action of the draught, as
+    before,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, WELL-COVERED.</p>
+
+    <p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;Why would it be a mistake to say that a
+    Negro was "as black as my hat?" <i>Because I never wear
+    one.</i> The only inconvenience resulting is in wet
+    weather&mdash;but, even then, I am prepared for all
+    emergencies. I keep in my pocket a little square of black
+    waterproof, to cover my head when it rains. In an Assize town,
+    the other day, I was followed by an angry crowd, who imagined
+    that I was one of the Judges, and that I had gone mad, and was
+    walking about the streets with the black cap on! But all true
+    reformers are treated in this way, even in England, the land of
+    Liberty.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, HATZOFF.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166"
+       id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166.png"
+             alt="THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK.</h3>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The jaws that bite, the claws that
+            catch!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, CARROLL! it is not in fun</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your song's light lilt we snatch.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our Jabberwock's a <i>real</i> brute,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With mighty maw, and ruthless hand,</p>
+
+            <p>Who ravage makes beyond compute</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In Civic Blunderland.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Look at the ogre's hideous mouth!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His tiger-teeth, his dragon-tail!</p>
+
+            <p>O'er Town, East, West, and North and South,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He leaves his slimy trail.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And where he comes all Beauty dies,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And where he halts all Greenery
+            fades.</p>
+
+            <p>Pleasantness flies where'er he plies</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His gruesomest of trades.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He blights the field, he blasts the wood,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With breath as fierce as prairie
+            flame;</p>
+
+            <p>And where sweet works of Nature stood,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He leaves us&mdash;slums of shame.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The locust and the canker-worm</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are not more ruinous than he.</p>
+
+            <p>"I'll take this Eden&mdash;for a term!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He cries, and howls with glee.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Beauty? Mere bosh! Charm? Utter rot!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What boots your 'Earthly Paradise,'</p>
+
+            <p>Until 'tis made 'A Building Plot'?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then it indeed looks nice!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"O Jerry Street! O Jerry Park!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">O Jerry Gardens, Jerry Square!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>You won't discover&mdash;what a lark!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One 'touch of Nature' there!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"'This handsome Villa Residence'</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Means mud-built walls and clay-clogged
+            walks;</p>
+
+            <p>And drains offensive to the sense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And swamps whence fever
+            stalks.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page167"
+               id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Beauty's best friends I drive away,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Artists who sketch, ramblers who
+            rove,</p>
+
+            <p>Lovers who spoon, children who play,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All, all who Nature love.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Nor do I give them wholesome homes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For verdant meads&mdash;no, there's the
+            fun!</p>
+
+            <p>Stuccodom, frail and sickly, comes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">After 'Lot Twenty-One!'</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I make a clearing, dig a trench,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Run up a shell of rotten bricks.</p>
+
+            <p>And thus the rule of sham and stench</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon the 'site' I fix.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The ugly and unhealthy still</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Associate with the name of Jerry;</p>
+
+            <p>And thus I work my wicked will,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And flourish, and make merry!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Twas so the Jerry-Jabberwock</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sang in a suburb, void of shame,</p>
+
+            <p>Blunderland's civic will to mock,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And put its sense to shame.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This ogre of our towns to slay,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where is the urban "Beamish Boy"?</p>
+
+            <p>CARROLL, when comes that "frabjous day,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>We</i>'ll "chortle in our joy."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young County Council, are <i>you</i> one?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis said you're but a Bumble-batch!</p>
+
+            <p>Beware the Jobjob Bird, and shun</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Bigot-Bandersnatch!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We'll pardon much that seems absurd,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Excuse some blunders that bewilder,</p>
+
+            <p>If you'll but "draw your vorpal sword"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And slay&mdash;the Jerry-Builder!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/167-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/167-1.png"
+             alt="METAMORPHOSIS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>METAMORPHOSIS.</h3>
+
+        <center>
+            ("<i>We know what we are, but we know not what we may
+            be.</i>")
+        </center>
+
+        <p><i>Conductor</i>. "TAKE YER TO THE CIRCUS, AND THERE
+        YOU'LL CHANGE INTO A HELEPHANT."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Master Kenneth</i>. "OH, MOTHER, WHAT A JOLLY CIRCUS!
+        MAY WE GO AND SEE THE OLD GENTLEMAN CHANGE INTO AN
+        ELEPHANT?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MODERN MERCURY.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/167-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/167-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Behold that urchin, occupied</p>
+
+            <p>In counting with an honest pride</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The marbles he has won!</p>
+
+            <p>O tardy messenger of fate,</p>
+
+            <p>Without distinction, small and great,</p>
+
+            <p>Their telegrams, perforce, await</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Until your game is done.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Perchance a philosophic strain</p>
+
+            <p>Makes you regard as wholly vain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our human bliss and woes;</p>
+
+            <p>What matters, whether State affairs,</p>
+
+            <p>Or news of good, or weighty carts,</p>
+
+            <p>Or tidings relative to shares</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Within your bag repose?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, not by me will you be blamed;</p>
+
+            <p>I like to see you not ashamed</p>
+
+            <p>To dawdle for awhile;</p>
+
+            <p>You furnish, by example sage,</p>
+
+            <p>A moral for our busy age;</p>
+
+            <p>And so, though others fume and rage,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I watch you with a smile.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He moves at length, and now we'll see</p>
+
+            <p>Which way ... This telegram for me?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, worst of human crimes</p>
+
+            <p>Is such delay!&mdash;it's monstrous quite!</p>
+
+            <p>I'll forward a complaint to-night!</p>
+
+            <p>Here, pen and paper&mdash;let me write</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A letter to the <i>Times</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MRS. RAM was heard to remark that she "didn't know a finer
+    body of men than the Yokel Loamanry." Probably the old lady
+    meant the Local Yeomanry.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page168"
+       id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+
+    <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XVI.&mdash;TO YOUTHFULNESS.</h3>
+
+    <p>You are much misunderstood. For it is supposed that those
+    who in this world bear your stamp upon them are to be
+    recognised without trouble by the mere calculation of their
+    years of life. No notion can be further from the truth. Mere
+    absence of wrinkles, the presence or colour of the hair on the
+    head, the elasticity of limbs, these do not of themselves, I
+    protest, testify to youthfulness. I knew a lad of twenty, who,
+    in the judgment of the world, was young. In mine he was one of
+    the hoariest as he was one of the least scrupulous of men. No
+    veteran that I ever met could have put him up to any trick, or
+    added any experience to his store. He seemed to have a
+    marvellous and intuitive experience of the ways of life, and of
+    the tricks of men. No shady society came amiss to him. He
+    gambled, in his way, as coolly, and with as careful a
+    precision, as <i>Barry Lyndon</i>; he met the keen frequenters
+    of the betting-ring on equal terms, and contrived, amid that
+    vortex to keep his head above water. He had a faultless taste
+    in wine&mdash;he knew a good cigar by an instinct. It is hardly
+    necessary to add that, with all these accomplishments, he held
+    and expressed the meanest opinion of human nature in general.
+    Not even Sir ROBERT WALPOLE could have more cynically estimated
+    the price at which men might be bought. As for women, this
+    precocious paragon despised them, and women, as is their wont,
+    repaid him by admiration, and, here and there, by genuine
+    affection. I shudder to think how he might have developed in
+    the course of years. It happened, however, that a
+    shipwreck&mdash;a form of disaster against which cynicism and
+    precocity afford no protection&mdash;removed him from the world
+    before he had come of age. Now, to call this infant young,
+    would have been a mockery. To all outward appearance, indeed,
+    he was a boy, but his mind was that of a selfish and used-up
+    <i>roué</i> of sixty, without illusions, and without hope.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/168.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Let me pass to a more pleasant subject, and one with which
+    you, my dear boy, are more closely connected. I refer to my old
+    friend. General VANGARD, the kindest and best-natured man that
+    ever drew half-pay. Seventy years have passed over his head,
+    and turned his hair to silver, but his heart remains pure gold
+    without alloy. In vain do his whiskers and moustache attempt to
+    give a touch of fierceness to his face. The kindly eyes smile
+    it away in a moment. He stands six feet and an inch, his back
+    his broad, his step springy; he carries his head erect on his
+    massive shoulders with a leonine air of good-humoured defiance.
+    To hear him greet you, to feel his hand-shake, is to get a
+    lesson in geniality. I never knew a man who had so
+    whole-hearted a contempt for insincerity and affectation. It
+    was only the other day that I saw little TOM TITTERTON, of the
+    Diplomatic Service, introduced to him. TOM is a devil of a
+    fellow in Society. He warbles little songs of his own
+    composition at afternoon teas, he insinuates himself into the
+    elderly affections of stony-hearted dowagers, he can lead a
+    <i>cotillon</i> to perfection, and is universally acknowledged
+    as an authority on gloves and handkerchiefs. It was at a
+    shooting-party that he and the General met. The little fellow
+    advanced simpering, and raised a limp and dangling hand to
+    about the height of his eyes. The General had extended his in
+    his usual bluff and unceremonious manner. Naturally enough the
+    hands failed to meet. A puzzled look came over the General's
+    face. In a moment, however, he had grasped the situation, and
+    TITTERTON's hand, and shaken the latter with a ferocious
+    heartiness. "OW!" screamed TOM. It was a short exclamation, but
+    a world of agony was concentrated into it. "The old bear has
+    spoilt my shooting for the day," said TITTERTON to me
+    afterwards, as he missed his tenth partridge. That very
+    evening, I remember, there was a great discussion in the
+    smoking-room on the subject of wrestling. One of the party, a
+    burly youth of twenty-six, boasted somewhat loudly of the
+    tricks that a Cornishman had lately taught him. For a long time
+    the General sat silently puffing his cigar, but at length the
+    would-be wrestler said something that roused him. "Would you
+    mind showing me how that's done?" he said; "I seem to remember
+    something about it, but it was done differently in my time. No
+    doubt your notion's an improvement." Nothing loth the burly one
+    stood up. I don't quite know what happened. The General seemed
+    to stoop with outstretched hands and then raise himself with a
+    spring as he met his opponent. A large body hurtled through the
+    air, and in a moment the younger man was lying flat on the
+    carpet amidst the shouts of the company. "It's the old 'flying
+    mare' my boy," said the General to me, "a very useful dodge. I
+    learnt it fifty years ago."</p>
+
+    <p>In the company of young men the General is at his very best.
+    He knows all their little weaknesses, and chaffs them with
+    delightful point and humour, though he would not, for all the
+    world, give them pain. It is a pleasant sight to see the old
+    fellow with a party of his young friends, poking sly fun at
+    them, laughing with them, taking all their jests in good part,
+    and thoroughly enjoying himself. He can walk most of them off
+    their legs still, can row with them on the broad reaches of the
+    Thames, and keep his form with the best of them; he can hold
+    his gun straight at driven birds, and revel like a boy in a
+    rattling run to hounds across country. All the youngsters
+    respect him by instinct, and love the cheery old fellow, whose
+    heart is as soft as his muscles are hard. They talk to him as
+    to an elder brother, come to him for his advice, and, which is
+    perhaps even more strange, like it, and follow it. Withal, the
+    General is the most modest of men. In his youth he was a mighty
+    man of war. It was only the other day that I heard (not from
+    his own lips, you may be sure) the thrilling stories of his
+    hand-to-hand conflict with two gigantic Russians in the fog of
+    Inkermann, and of his rescue of a wounded Sergeant at the
+    attack in the Redan. With women, old or young, the General uses
+    an old-fashioned and chivalrous courtesy, as far removed from
+    latter-day smartness as was BAYARD from BOULANGER. The younger
+    ones adore him. They all seem to be his nieces, for they all
+    call him Uncle JOHN.</p>
+
+    <p>A year or two ago the General fell ill, and the doctors
+    shook their heads. It was touching to see the concern of all
+    his young friends. CHARLIE CHIRPER, a gay little butterfly of a
+    fellow, who never seemed to treat life as anything but a huge
+    joke, became gloomy with anxiety. Twice every day he called to
+    make inquiries, and, as the bulletins got worse, CHARLIE became
+    visibly thinner. I saw him at the Club one evening, sitting
+    moodily in a corner. "What's up, CHARLIE?" I said to him. "You
+    look as if you'd been refused by an heiress." "The Old
+    General's worse to-day," said CHARLIE, simply. "They're very
+    anxious about him. No, dash it all!" he went on, "it's too bad.
+    I can't bear to think of it. Such an old ripper as the General!
+    Why must they take him? Why can't they take a useless chap like
+    me, who never did anyone any good?" And the unaccustomed tears
+    came into the lad's eyes as he turned his head away. But the
+    old General battled through, and, thank Heaven, I can still
+    write of him in the present tense.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours as always, my dear boy,<br />
+    DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"ANECDOTAGE."</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Companion Volume to other Works of the same
+    kind.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>A traveller in Italy during the middle ages knew a Chemist
+    very well indeed. One day a rather stylish Lady, with a shifty
+    look about the eyes, entered the shop and asked for some
+    poison. "I cannot furnish you. Madam, with what you require. I
+    have quarrelled with the undertaker." The Traveller
+    subsequently ascertained that the name of the lady was LUCREZIA
+    BORGIA.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Just before the Battle of Waterloo, FOUCHÉ met BONAPARTE,
+    who was then in command of the French Army. He said, "You will
+    find that, before this campaign is over, I shall have on one
+    foot a BLUCHER, and on the other a WELLINGTON. It is fortunate
+    for me I cannot find pairs of both! This is a proof (if one is
+    needed) of the EMPEROR's fear of fate.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was (as a lad) very fond of
+    exploration. One day he went over to America, and, arriving at
+    his destination, christened it Columbia. The land of the
+    Yankees, even now, is occasionally known by this
+    appellation.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Punch</i> one day was invited to listen to Someone's
+    Recollections or Reminiscences. All went well for five minutes,
+    when the Autobiographist, looking up from his Autobiography,
+    found that <i>Mr. Punch</i> was fast asleep. The Sage slumbered
+    as the Representative of the Public.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p><font size="+1">&#9758;</font> NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+    Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+    Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+    returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+    Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+    exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, October 8, 1892, by Various
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+October 8, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 8, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor:   Francis Burnand
+
+
+Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15441]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+October 10, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+AT A HYPNOTIC SEANCE.
+
+    SCENE--_A Public Hall in a provincial town. The Hypnotist--a
+    tall, graceful, and handsome young man, in well-fitting
+    evening clothes--has already succeeded in putting most of
+    his subjects to sleep, and is going round and inspecting them
+    critically, as they droop limply on a semicircle of chairs,
+    in a variety of unpicturesque attitudes. The only Lady on
+    the platform is evidently as yet in full possession of her
+    senses._
+
+_First Female Spectator_ (_to Second_). MARIA MANGLES do take a time
+sending off, don't she?
+
+_Second F.S._ (_also a friend of Miss MANGLES_). Yes, that she do--it
+gives her such a silly look, sitting there, the on'y one with her
+senses about her!
+
+_First F.S._ It's all affectation--she could shut her eyes fast enough
+if she _liked_!
+
+_Second F.S._ The 'Ipnotiser's coming round to her now--she'll _have_
+to go off now. (_With a not unpleasurable anticipation_.) I expect
+he'll make her do all manner o' ridic'lous things!
+
+_First F.S._ Well, it will be a lesson, to her against making' herself
+so conspicuous another time. I shan't pity her.
+
+_The Hyp._ (_after a brief colloquy with Miss MANGLES_). I see I am
+not likely to succeed with this Lady; so, with many thanks to her on
+behalf of myself and the audience for coming forward, I will detain
+her no longer.
+
+[Illustration: "I do. Lovely creature!"]
+
+    [_Applause, amidst which Miss M. descends to her seat in the
+    body of the hall, with a smile of conscious triumph._
+
+_First F.S._ (_disappointed_). I don't see what she's done to clap
+their hands about, myself!
+
+_Second F.S._ Nor I neither--taking up his time all for
+nothing--depend upon it she wouldn't have gone up if he hadn't been so
+nice-looking!
+
+_First F.S._ I wouldn't like to think _that_ of her myself; but,
+anyhow, she didn't get much by it, did she? He soon sent _her_
+packing!
+
+_Male Spectator_ (_to a Woman in front of him_). Evening, Mrs.
+MIDGELLY--I see they've got your good man up on the platform.
+
+_Mrs. M._ He _will_ go, Mr. BUDKIN! He's gone up every night the
+'Ipnotiser's been here, and says he feels it's going to do him good.
+So this evening I said I'd come in too, and judge for myself. What
+good he expects to get, laying there like a damp dishclout, _I_ don't
+know!
+
+    [_Meanwhile the Hypnotist has borrowed a silver-handled
+    umbrella from the audience, and thrust it before the faces of
+    one or two loutish-looking youths, who immediately begin to
+    squint horribly and follow the silver-top with their noses,
+    till they knock their heads together._
+
+_Mr. Budkin_ (_to Mrs. MIDGELLY_). He's going to give your husband a
+turn of it now.
+
+    [_The umbrella-handle is applied to Mr. M., a feeble-looking
+    little man with a sandy top-knot; he grovels after the
+    silver-top when it is depressed, and makes futile attempts to
+    clamber up the umbrella after it when it is held aloft._
+
+_Mrs. M._ (_severely_). I haven't patience to look at him. A _Kitten_
+'ud have had more sense!
+
+_The Hyp._ (_calling up one of the heavy youths_). Can you whistle,
+Sir? Yes? Then whistle something. (_The Youth whistles a popular air
+in a lugubrious tone._) Now you _can't_ whistle--try. (_The Youth
+tries--and produces nothing but a close imitation of an air-cushion
+that is being unscrewed._) Now, if I were not to wake him up, this
+young gentleman's friends would never enjoy the benefit of his whistle
+again!
+
+_Voice from a Back Row_. _Don't_ wake him, Guv'nor, we can _bear_ it!
+
+_Hyp._ (_after restoring the lost talent, and calling up another
+Youth, somewhat smartly attired_). Now, Sir, what do you drink?
+
+_The Youth_ (_with a sleepy candour_). Beer when I can get 'old of it.
+
+_A Friend of his in Audience_. JIM's 'aving a lark with him--he said
+as 'ow he meant to kid him like--_he_ ain't 'ipnotised, bless yer!
+
+_Hyp._ But you like water, too, don't you? (_JIM admits this--in
+moderation._) Try this. (_He gives him a tumbler of water._) Is that
+good water?
+
+_Jim_ (_smacking his lips_). That's good water enough, Sir.
+
+_Hyp._ It's bad water--taste it again.
+
+    [_JIM tastes, and ejects it with every symptom of extreme
+    disapproval._
+
+_Jim's Friend_. Try him with a drop o' Scotch in it--_'e'll_ get it
+down!
+
+_Hyp._ (_to JIM_). There is _no_ water in that glass--it's full of
+sovereigns, don't you see? (_JIM agrees that this is so, and testifies
+to his conviction by promptly emptying the contents of the glass into
+his trousers' pocket_) What have you got in your pocket?
+
+_Jim_ (_chuckling with satisfaction_). Quids--golden sovereigns!
+
+_Hyp._ Wake up! _Now_ what do you find in your pocket--any sovereigns?
+
+_Jim_ (_surprised_). Sovereigns? No, Sir! (_After putting his hand
+in his pocket, bringing it out dripping, and dolefully regarding the
+stream of water issuing from his leg_.) More like water, Sir.
+
+    [_He makes dismal efforts to dry himself, amidst roars of
+    laughter._
+
+_His Friend_. Old JIM didn't come best out o' that!
+
+_Hyp._ (_to JIM_). You don't feel comfortable? (_Emphatic assent from_
+JIM.) Yes, you do, you feel no discomfort whatever.
+
+    [_JIM resumes his seat with a satisfied expression._
+
+_An Open-minded Spect._ Mind yer, if this yere 'Ipnotism can prevent
+water from being wet, there must be _something_ in it!
+
+_Hyp._ I will now give you an illustration of the manner in which,
+by hypnotic influence, a subject can_ be affected with an entirely
+imaginary pain. Take this gentleman. (_Indicating the unfortunate
+Mr. MIDGELLY, who is slumbering peacefully._) Now, what pain shall we
+give him?
+
+_A Voice_. Stomach-ache!
+
+    [_This suggestion, however, is so coyly advanced that it
+    fortunately escapes notice._
+
+_Hyp._ Tooth-ache? Very good--we will give him tooth-ache.
+
+    [_The Audience receive this with enthusiasm, which increases
+    to rapturous delight when Mr. MIDGELLY's cheek begins to
+    twitch violently, and he nurses his jaw in acute agony; the
+    tooth-ache is then transferred to another victim, who writhes
+    in an even more entertaining manner, until the unhappy couple
+    are finally relieved from torment._
+
+_A Spect._ Well, it's better nor any play, this is--but he ought to
+ha' passed the toothache round the lot of 'em, just for the fun o' the
+thing!
+
+_Mrs. Midgelly_. I should ha' thought there was toothache enough
+without coming here to get more of it, but so long as MIDGELLY's
+enjoyin' himself, _I_ shan't interfere!
+
+    [_The Hypnot. has impressed his subjects with the idea that
+    there is an Angel at the other end of the hall, and they are
+    variously affected by the celestial apparition, some gazing
+    with a rapt grin, while others invoke her stiffly, or hail her
+    like a cab. Mr. MIDGELLY alone exhibits no interest._
+
+_Mr. Budkin_ (_to Mrs. M._). Your 'usband don't seem to be putting
+himself out, Angel or no Angel.
+
+_Mrs. M._ (_complacently_). He knows too well what's due to _me_, Mr.
+BUDKIN. _I'm_ Angel enough for him!
+
+_Hyp._ I shall now persuade this Gentleman that there is a beautiful
+young lady in green at the door of this hall. (_To Mr. M._) Do you see
+her, Sir?
+
+_Mr. M._ (_rising with alacrity_). I do. Lovely creature!
+
+    [_He suddenly snatches up a decanter of water, and invites
+    his invisible charmer, in passionate pantomime, to come up and
+    share it with him--to the infinite delight of the Audience,
+    and disgust of his Wife._
+
+AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.
+
+_Mr. Midgelly_ (_as he rejoins his Wife_). I felt the influence more
+strongly to-night than what I have yet; and the Professor says, if I
+only keep on coming up every night while he's here, I shall soon be
+completely susceptible to--Why, whatever's the matter, my dear?
+
+_Mrs. M._ Matter! You're quite susceptible enough as it is; and, now
+I know how you can go on, you don't catch me letting _you_ get
+'ipnotised again. You and your young lady in green indeed!
+
+_Mr. M._ (_utterly mystified_). Me and my--I don't know what you're
+alluding to. It's the first _I've_ heard of it!
+
+_Mrs. M._ (_grimly_). Well, it won't be the last by a long way. Oh,
+the insight I've had into your character this evening, MIDGELLY!
+
+    [_Mr. M. is taken home, to realise that Hypnotism is not
+    altogether without its dangers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON.
+
+    "Nothing could have served my purpose better, than to have
+    drawn this illuminating flash out of the thunders," &c.,
+    &c.--_Vide Duke of Argyll's Letter to The Times, and his
+    Letter to Somebody who had drawn his Grace's attention to Mr.
+    Gladstone's Snowdon Speech._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. FROM WHITBREADFORDSHIRE.--Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE is reported to
+have said, "I'll give you a good tip. Back _Duke_--and my horses for
+the Cambridgeshire." New Carpet Knight not successful as a sporting
+tipster, seeing that Colonel DUKE, though he fought well, was beaten.
+Perhaps Sir BLUNDELL meant _the Duke_, who races every night at Drury
+Lane. That's a very good tip, as safe as houses--Drury Lane houses, of
+course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CITY PARADOX.
+
+  Our City Aldermanic lights
+    Who talk (and live) a trifle high,
+  In stern defence of civic rights
+    Profess themselves prepared to die.
+  And yet the Aldermanic crowd--
+    It's amply true, say what you will--
+  With open eyes have just allowed
+    The Mayoralty to come to KNILL!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HABITUAL DRUNKARDS COMMITTEE."--An awful-looking heading to a
+paragraph! What a picture the imagination may conjure up of a
+Committee of Habitual Drunkards! There would be the Honble. TOM TOPER,
+Lord SOTT, SAM SOKER, Marquis of MOPPS and BROOMS, Captain FUDDLE,
+DICK SWIZZLER, R.N., FRANK FARGONE (of the _Daily Booze_), with TITE
+ASA DRUMM in the Chair, or if not, under the table with the others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._)
+
+Many manuals have been published for the edification of beginners in
+the art of shooting. If that art can indeed be acquired by reading,
+there is no reason why any youth, whose education has been properly
+attended to, should not be perfectly proficient in it without having
+fired a single shot. But, _Mr. Punch_ has noticed in all these volumes
+a grave defect. In none of them is any instruction given which shall
+enable a man to obtain a conversational as well as a merely shooting
+success. Every pursuit has its proper conversational complement. The
+Farmer must know how to speak of crops and the weather in picturesque
+and inflammatory language; the Barrister must note, for use at the
+dinner-table, the subtle jests of his colleagues, the perplexity
+of stumbling witnesses, and the soul-stirring jokes of Judges;
+the Clergyman must babble of Sunday-schools and Choir-practices.
+Similarly, a Shooter must be able to speak of his sport and its varied
+incidents. To be merely a good shot is nothing. Many dull men can
+be that. The great thing, surely, is to be both a good shot and a
+cheerful light-hearted companion, with a fund of anecdotes and a rich
+store of allusions appropriate to every phase of shooting. _Mr. Punch_
+ventures to hope that the hints he has here put together, may be of
+value to all who propose to go out and "kill something" with a gun.
+
+THE GUN.
+
+No subject offers a greater variety of conversation than this. But,
+of course, the occasion counts for a good deal. It would be foolish to
+discharge it (metaphorically speaking) at the head of the first comer.
+You must watch for your opportunity. For instance, guns ought not
+to be talked about directly after breakfast, before a shot has been
+fired. Better wait till after the shooting-lunch, when a fresh start
+is being made, say for the High Covert half a mile away. You can then
+begin after this fashion to your host:--"That's a nice gun of yours,
+CHALMERS. I saw you doing rare work with it at the corner of the new
+plantation this morning." CHALMERS is sure to be pleased. You not only
+call attention to his skill, but you praise his gun, and a man's gun
+is, as a rule, as sacred to him as his pipe, his political prejudices,
+his taste in wine, or his wife's jewels. Therefore, CHALMERS is
+pleased. He smiles in a deprecating way, and says, "Yes, it's not a
+bad gun, one of a pair I bought last year."
+
+"Would you mind letting me feel it?"
+
+"Certainly not, my dear fellow here you are."
+
+You then interchange guns, having, of course, assured one another that
+they are not loaded. Having received CHALMERS's gun, you first appear
+to weigh it critically. Then, with an air of great resolution, you
+bring it to your shoulder two or three times in rapid succession, and
+fire imaginary shots at a cloud, or a tuft of grass. You now hand
+it back to CHALMERS, observing, "By Jove, old chap, it's beautifully
+balanced! It comes up splendidly. Suits me better than my own."
+CHALMERS, who will have been going through a similar pantomime with
+your gun, will make some decently complimentary remark about it, and
+each of you will think the other a devilish knowing and agreeable
+fellow.
+
+From this point you can diverge into a discussion of the latest
+improvements, as, e.g., "Are ejectors really valuable?" This is sure
+to bring out the man who has tried ejectors, and has given them up,
+because last year, at one of the hottest corners he ever knew, when
+the sky was simply black with pheasants, the ejectors of both his guns
+got stuck. He will talk of this incident as another man might talk of
+the loss of a friend or a fortune. Here you may say,--"By gad, what
+frightful luck! What did you do?" He will then narrate his comminatory
+interview with his gun-maker; others will burst in, and defend
+ejectors, or praise their own gun-makers, and the ball, once set
+rolling, will not be stopped until you take your places for the
+first beat of the afternoon, just as MARKHAM is telling you that his
+old Governor never shoots with anything but an old muzzle-loader by
+MANTON, and makes deuced good practice with it too.
+
+"Choke" is not a very good topic; it doesn't last long. After you have
+asked your neighbour if his gun is choked, and told him that your left
+barrel has a modified choke, the subject is pretty well exhausted.
+
+"Cast-off." Not to be recommended. There is very little to be made of
+it.
+
+Something may be done with the price of guns. There's sure to be
+someone who has done all his best and straightest shooting with a gun
+that cost him only L15. Everybody else will say, "It's perfect rot
+giving such high prices for guns. You only pay for the name. Mere
+robbery." But there isn't one of them who would consent not to be
+robbed.
+
+It sometimes creates a pretty effect to call your gun "My old
+fire-iron," or "my bundook," or "this old gas-pipe of mine."
+
+"Bore." Never pun on this word. It is never done in really good
+sporting society. But you can make a few remarks, here and there,
+about the comparative merits of twelve-bore and sixteen-bore. Choose
+a good opening for telling your story of the man who shot with a
+fourteen-bore gun, ran short of cartridges on a big day, and was, of
+course, unable to borrow from anyone else. Hence you can deduce the
+superiority of twelve-bores, as being the more common size.
+
+All these subjects, like all others connected with shooting, can be
+resumed and continued after dinner, and in the smoking-room. Talk of
+the staleness of smoke! It's nothing to the staleness of the stories
+to which four self-respecting smoking-room walls have to listen in the
+course of an evening.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PIS-ALLER.
+
+"ARE THERE ANY NIGGERS ON THE BEACH THIS MORNING, MAMMIE?"
+
+"NO, DEAR; IT'S SUNDAY MORNING."
+
+"OH, THEN I MAY AS WELL GO TO CHURCH WITH YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY-AND-BY LAWS FOR TRAFALGAR SQUARE.
+
+(_WHEN MEETINGS ARE HELD IN "TIMES OF POLITICAL OR SOCIAL CRISES_.")
+
+1. Cabs, omnibuses, carriages, and pedestrians will be expected to
+keep clear of the space occupied by the Demonstrators.
+
+2. To prevent destruction of glass and removal of property from shop
+windows, tradesmen will be expected to put up their shutters several
+hours before the holding of the meeting.
+
+3. No particular notice will be paid to the transference of property
+from one leader of labour to another. If done by stealth, it will be
+accepted as a proof of secret Socialism.
+
+4. No objection will be raised to combats amongst the Demonstrators,
+with the restriction that no Government property is injured.
+
+5. As the maintaining of the road is a matter of contract,
+Demonstrators wishing to emphasise their opinions, must bring their
+own stones.
+
+6. As a good deal of property is expected to change hands during the
+various proceedings, an application with a description of lost goods,
+and photograph of supposed thief, can be addressed to the Chief
+Inspector of Police, Scotland Yard.
+
+7. These regulations (which are tentative) will be in force until
+after the next General Election, when a fresh series will be
+published, to be followed by others as occasion may require.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POOR ROAD TO LEARNING.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a School Board Office. Official discovered
+    hard at work, doing single-handed in London what is done by
+    nearly a thousand officials combined in "Bonnie Scotland."
+    Enter Female Applicant, with infant._
+
+_Applicant_. Please, Sir, here's my boy. Can you take him?
+
+_Official_. Certainly. Has he had any education?
+
+_App._ Well, as he's rising five, not much.
+
+_Off._ But does he know anything? For instance, has he learned any
+English history?
+
+_App._ Not that I know of.
+
+_Off._ Has he dipped into geography?
+
+_App._ Well, I don't think he has.
+
+_Off._ Can he cipher at all?
+
+_App._ Not very well.
+
+_Off._ Does he know what two and two make?
+
+_App._ Well, he has never said he does.
+
+_Off._ Can he write?
+
+_App._ Well, no, he doesn't write.
+
+_Off._ But I suppose he can read? Come, he at least can read?
+
+_App._ Well, no, Sir, I am afraid he's not much of a scholar. I don't
+think he can read.
+
+_Off._ Then he is absolutely ignorant--miserably ignorant.
+
+_App._ Very likely, Sir,--you know best.
+
+_Off._ Well, now, my good woman, I will tell you what we will do with
+him. We will teach him to read, write, and cipher, and give him an
+excellent education.
+
+_App._ And you will take care of him, Sir?
+
+_Off._ Of course we will take care of him; and as for his education,
+we will--
+
+_App._ Oh, Sir, so long as you looks after him, never you mind about
+his education!
+
+    [_Exit infantless._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MAUD.
+
+_A PENITENT ROUNDEL._
+
+  I called you MAUDE. I only meant to tease,
+    But somehow, ere I ended, came to laud
+  Your charms in my poor verses. So in these
+          I called you MAUDE.
+
+  "My name is _MAUD_."
+      And I am overawed,
+    Forgive the indiscretion if you please.
+  The spirit Truth, they tell me, is abroad,
+    And since she sojourns still across the seas,
+  I swear I knew the final _e_ a fraud--
+    So that you suffered from no lack of _e_'s
+          I called you MAUDE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KNILL NISI BOIMUM.
+
+[Illustration: Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose.]
+
+The good common sense of the Common Councilman and Liverymen of the
+City,--Liverymen not to be led astray by any false lights,--coupled
+with their truly English love of fairplay, prevailed, and the City
+Fathers on Goose Day were prevented from following in the goose-steps
+of that Uncommon Councilman who, bearing the honoured names of BEAUFOY
+(a fine old Norman-Baron title!) and of MOORE (shade of Sir THOMAS!),
+made so extraordinary a display of bigotry and ignorance as, it is to
+be hoped, is rare, and becoming rarer every day, among our worthy JOHN
+GILPINS of credit and renown East of the Griffin.
+
+But in spite of this nonsensical hot-gospelling rant, Alderman and
+Sheriff STUART KNILL was elected Lord Mayor, while BEAUFOY MOORE
+was, so to speak, no MOORE, and, in fact, very much against his will
+and wish, was reduced to NIL. WILLY-KNILLY he had to cave in. _Mr.
+Punch_ congratulates the Lord Mayor Elect, but still more does he
+congratulate the City Fathers on rising above paltry sectarianism, so
+utterly unworthy of time, place, and persons, and for standing up,
+in true English fashion, for freedom of worship coupled with absolute
+Liberty of Conscience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIDE OF THE EMPIRE.
+
+[Illustration: "A Warde with you."]
+
+[Illustration: Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period).]
+
+At this moment there is really a very excellent extertainment at
+the Empire Theatre of Varieties, something, or rather many things
+of which the Management may, and should be proud. A capital troupe
+of Bicyclists, a Spanish Dancer and singer--whose gestures to the
+multitude are more intelligible than her language--a graceful,
+serpentine dancer, and "a very peculiar American Comedian"--all these
+are a part of the programme. But the best item in this liberal bill of
+fare is _Round the Town_, a characteristic Ballet, in five _tableaux_.
+The composers of this pleasing piece are Madame KATTI LANNER, and Mr.
+GEORGE EDWARDES. As the lady is well known for her admirable dances,
+it may be safely presumed that the gentleman is solely responsible for
+the plot, or rather "the argument." It runs as follows:--"_Dr. Burch_,
+newly arrived in London with his pupils, wishes to show them the
+sights. What better to begin with than Covent Garden Market in the
+early morning?" Quite so, the more especially as the lads must be very
+backward boys. There are six of them, and the youngest seems about
+thirty, and the oldest about double that age. The Doctor must have
+rescued them from Epsom Race Course, and apparently is attempting to
+give them an education fitting them to follow what seems to be his own
+calling--the profession of an undertaker. These elderly pupils follow
+their kind preceptor (for, although he is called _Burch_, there is
+not the slightest suggestion of the rod about him, and, moreover, his
+charges are really too elderly to receive chastisement) to the Royal
+Exchange, the Thames Embankment, and, lastly, to the Empire. During
+their travels, they meet _Mr. Rapless_, known as "the Oofless Swell,"
+(a part amusingly played by Mr. W. WARDE), and _John Brough_, a
+carpenter with a taste for ballet costumes and drink, the carpenter's
+wife, and the carpenter's child. _Dr. Burch_, who is evidently
+easy-going, but good-hearted, after flirting with a lady who has her
+boots cleaned before the Royal Exchange, suddenly developes into a
+philanthropist, not to say a divine. On the carpenter's wife and
+child appearing on the Thames Embankment in the characters of would-be
+suicides, the worthy pedagogue convinces them (to quote the programme)
+"That they have no right to take away the lives which the Almighty has
+placed in their hands." Mother and child are quickly convinced, and
+the neat but drunken father (Signorina MALVINA CAVALAZZI) appearing
+on the scene, the good man informs him that his wife and child are
+dead, "driven to an untimely grave by his (the intemperate but natty
+artisan's) desertion and cruelty." The effect of this inaccurate
+statement is startling. To quote once more from the argument,
+"incontinently the now penitent ruffian falls fainting to the ground."
+But he is brought back to himself, his better self, by his child
+whispering "Father!" The situation is full of pathos, even when
+witnessed from the Stalls. Recovering his senses, the converted
+carpenter promptly borrows money from the good old Doctor, and when
+that estimable gentleman is about to enter the Empire Theatre of
+Varieties (accompanied by his school), a little later he has the
+"satisfaction of seeing his _protege Mortimer_ (the ex-ruffian),
+returning contentedly from his work." This is the simple but pathetic
+story that Mr. GEO. EDWARDES touchingly tells with the assistance of
+a full _corps de ballet_, five _tableaux_, and last, but certainly not
+least, the hints of Madame KATTI LANNER.
+
+[Illustration: Jolly Tar A.B. "Hip, Hip, Hooray!"]
+
+[Illustration: Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen from
+Empire Stalls.]
+
+There are many remarkable persons in _Round the Town_. Notably
+an effeminate but substantial stock-broker, who looks like a
+stock-jobber's maiden-aunt in disguise. Another important personage is
+a representative of the Navy, whose figure suggests as an appropriate
+greeting, "Hip, hip, hip, hooray!" Both these characters are
+well-played, and although subordinate parts, make their mark, or
+rather, we should say, score heavily. Altogether; the ballet is
+excellent both in dances and plot. The first is a testimony of the
+good head of Madame KATTI LANNER, and the last of the equally good
+heart of Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. There is no doubt that _Round the Town_
+will draw all London to see (in its realistic scenes) all London
+drawn!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.
+
+(_FROM A COLLECTION OF COMMUNICATIONS SUPPLIED BY OUR PROPHETIC
+COMPILER._)
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Forgive me for addressing you, but the urgency of
+the occasion warrants the intrusion. A hundred years since, the old
+Fighting _Foudroyant_ was sold by the Admiralty to be broken up. The
+moment the Public of the Period learned the cruel fact through the
+customary sources of information, they flew to the rescue. Headed by
+the then LORD MAYOR, they raised a fund to bring back the discarded
+vessel, and yet in those distant days there were they who denied
+that the _Foudroyant_ had ever done anything in particular. And now
+we propose doing the same thing. On the Thames there is an ancient
+steamboat called _Citizen Z_, that once belonged to the Company that
+started penny river lifts. It is certainly rather out of date, but is
+full of historical memories. It is said that the Cabinet travelled
+to Greenwich on its venerable boards, where they feasted on the
+half-forgotten Whitebait, and the entirely, superseded Champagne. It
+has carried, at one time or another, all the nobility to Rosherville,
+there to spend (as the old saying went) "a happy day," and yet it is
+proposed to break it up! Out upon the thought! Have we no veneration
+for our relics of the past? Cannot we appreciate a boat that should
+have had an honoured place in the Museum at Woolwich? Do not let this
+act of Vandalism be done. Save the steamer for the sake of its past.
+
+Yours truly, A REAR-ADMIRAL.
+
+_H.M.S. Electric-Balloon, Skye._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I appeal to you, and I know I shall not appeal in
+vain. The picturesque Cabman's Shelter in the middle of Piccadilly is
+threatened! I hope you will exert your influence to preserve it. It
+absolutely teems with historical associations. Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL
+is supposed to have used it for writing his famous letter on the
+Poor-Laws, and to this day is shown the initials of CHARLES STUART
+PARNELL which were carved by that celebrated statesman on one of its
+benches about the middle of the last century--probably in 1854. And
+why is it to be removed? Simply because it is said to impede the
+traffic! Could anything be more absurd? Do, pray, save it from the
+hand of the ruthless "improver." Yours truly,
+
+ONE WHO RESPECTS THE PAST.
+
+_Tumbledowns, West Kensington_ (_late Reading_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS.
+
+_First Chieftain_. "I SAY, OLD CHAP, WHAT A DOOSE OF A BORE THESE
+GAMES ARE!"
+
+_Second Chieftain_. "AH, BUT, MY DEAR BOY, IT IS THIS SORT OF THING
+THAT HAS MADE US SCOTCHMEN _WHAT WE ARE_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NUISANCE.
+
+_Miss Priscilla_. "YES; IT'S A BEAUTIFUL VIEW. BUT TOURISTS ARE IN THE
+HABIT OF BATHING ON THE OPPOSITE SHORE, AND THAT'S RATHER A DRAWBACK."
+
+_Fair Visitor_. "DEAR ME! BUT AT SUCH A DISTANCE AS THAT--SURELY--"
+
+_Miss Priscilla_. "AH, BUT WITH A _TELESCOPE_, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT LAST!
+
+(_JEREMIAD BY A MIDDLE-AGED MARTYR TO THE GREAT SEASIDE
+SUPERSTITION._)
+
+    ["To middle-aged people, at all events, nothing can be more
+    trying and deleterious than holidays."--_Daily News_.]
+
+  Oh, thanks to thee, thanks to thee, sage unconventional!
+    Heaven be blest, the truth's out, then, at last!
+  Holiday woes--'twould take volumes to mention all!--
+    Now, in the lump, meet a shrewd counterblast.
+  _Trying?_ Of course they are! _Most deleterious?_
+    Scribe, let me clasp thee, in thought, to this breast!
+  Holiday-hunting is Man's most mysterious,
+            Maddening guest!
+
+  _Quixote_, I swear, was a model of sanity,
+    When with the Holiday-seeker compared.
+  Fidgety folly, and fussy inanity.
+    These be the figments by which we are snared.
+  Soon as you're drawn from your own cosy drawing-room,
+    Far over flood, field, or foam--for your sins--
+  Then, when your breast makes for vulturine gnawing room,
+            Bother begins!
+
+  Bother, that bugbear of bufferish Middle-Age!
+    Swift "scurry-funging" may do for the young,
+  The "hey-diddle-diddle, the Cat-and-the-fiddle" age.
+    "Over the moon" I myself once had sprung,
+  Thirty years syne, in sheer fervour athletical--
+    Now, like the dog, I would laugh, and look on.
+  Once, with sheer "drive," I'd a sense sympathetical--
+            Now I have none!
+
+  Holiday? Term, Sir, is simply a synonym
+    For--waste of tissue! What doctor will dare
+  Tell his poor patients so? _I_'ll put _my_ tin on him!
+    Rest? Recreation? Pick-up? Change of air?
+  All question-begging fudge-phrases of sophistry!
+    Let city-toilers who're fagged or "run down,"
+  Autumnal _quiet_ (in home or in office), try;
+            _Not_ "out of town."
+
+  Out of town? Where is the term that's claptrappier?
+    _Means_ out of temper, or out of your mind.
+  Boot-black or old crossing-sweeper's far happier,
+    Tied to his task in the town--as you'll find.
+  Picking up coppers far better than picking up
+    Shells by the sea, or sham friends on the snore.
+  Bah! What have buffers to do with such kicking-up
+            Heels? It's a bore!
+
+  Who'll start a League to be called Anti-Holiday?
+    Bet half the middle-aged men-folk will join!
+  Then we _might_ get an occasional jolly day,
+    Free from the pests who perplex and purloin.
+  "Health-Resort" quackery, portmanteau-packery,
+    Cheat-brigade charges and chills I might miss.
+  Dear-bought jimcrackery, female knicknackery!--
+            Oh! 'twere pure bliss!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRAVO, BOBBY!
+
+    ["The Brighton Police have received orders to move on all
+    organ-grinders."]
+
+  Bless you, Brighton Bobby, bless you,
+    Boldly bringing balmy bliss!
+  Barrel--organ barred--I guess you
+    Banish blatant bands with this.
+
+  Brazen blasts, by boobies blowing,
+    Bad as barrel's buzz can be.
+  Bid them budge! I'd vote for throwing
+    Beggars like these in the sea.
+
+  Battered bands from Bremen, Berlin;
+    Bearded bandits, born between
+  Bari and Bergamo, hurl in!
+    Bathed--that's what they've never been!
+
+  Britons all, oh, be not laggards,
+    But, like Brighton, move them on!
+  Bad, bacteria-hearing black-guards,
+    Beastly, blatant brutes, begone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER ABOUT THE NEW LORD MAYOR ELECT.--"It's _a Knill wind_ that
+blows nobody any good." _Signed_, BOGIE MOORE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD SPIRIT.
+
+["_Gentlemen of the Life Guards,--Forward--March!"--_Sir WALTER SCOTT.
+"_Old Mortality_."]
+
+L'ESPRIT DE CORPS (_loq._). "SHAME! SHAME!--IS IT THUS YOU USE YOUR
+SWORDS? WHATEVER MAY HAVE HAPPENED, ARE WE NOT STILL 'GENTLEMEN OF THE
+LIFE GUARDS'?"
+
+    "It is stated that Lord METHUEN, after censuring the
+    conduct of the regiment, requested the men who had cut the
+    saddle-panels to step forward and own the act, which would in
+    that case be dealt with simply as a case of insubordination.
+    He gave them a few minutes to consider, but as none of them
+    made any admission, he intimated that he should have to report
+    the matter to the Commander-in-Chief as a mutiny."--_Daily
+    Paper_, 30th Sept., 1892.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ABSENT AUDIENCE.
+
+_Socialist_. "Ah!--it's all very well yer looking at _Me_, with yer
+Smiles AND yer Jeers...."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE CORONA.
+
+    ["The shape of the hat is another token in which individuality
+    asserts itself, and the angle at which it is worn. There are
+    men who vary this angle with their different moods."--_Article
+    on "Men's Dress," Daily News, Sept. 10._]
+
+  You ask why I gaze with devotion
+    At ALGERNON's features, my love?
+  Nay, you are astray in your notion,
+    My glance is directed above;
+  His hair may be yellow or ruddy,
+    No longer I'm anxious for that,
+  But now I incessantly study
+          The tilt of his hat.
+
+  At times it will carelessly dangle
+    With an air of aesthetic repose,
+  At others will point to an angle
+    Inclined to the tip of his nose;
+  When it rests on the side of his head, he
+    Will smile at whatever befalls,
+  When pushed o'er his brow, we make ready
+          For numerous squalls!
+
+  When he starts for his train to the City
+    It is put on exactly upright,
+  And who would not view it with pity
+    Return, mud-bespattered, at night?
+  When early, so polished and glowing,
+    Jammed on at haphazard when late;
+  It forms a barometer, showing
+          His mood up to date.
+
+  And you, who are young and unmarried,
+    Give heed to my counsel, I pray;
+  Do not, I entreat you, be carried
+    By wealth or affection away;
+  The heroine, novelists mention,
+    "Eyes fondly his features." Instead,
+  Observe, for _your_ part, with attention,
+          The hat on his head!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW COLLECTION OF _HIMS_, ANCIENT AND MODERN.--The Church Congress
+at Folkestone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+We were not overcrowded last week at Newmarket, and really the more
+one takes racing from a business point of view, the more attractive it
+becomes!--at least, I have found it so myself ever since it has been
+my duty to acquire information for the benefit of my readers.
+
+There was only one thing that annoyed me during the week, and that
+was the inconsiderate behaviour of _Windgall_ in winning the October
+Handicap, although it was a most extraordinary confirmation of my
+remarks anent his performance in the Leicester Handicap, in my last
+letter; but it _is_ annoying that, when you select a horse to win a
+race, he runs _second_, and directly after wins a race for which he is
+_not_ selected, beating the horse chosen by a length!--it puzzles me
+completely, as it is impossible in this case to put it down to want
+of good breeding! We were sorry not to have the _Buccaneer-Orvieto_
+match decided, as it would have been the event of the meeting; but,
+as the old proverb runs, "a wise owner is merciful to his beast," so
+_Orvieto_ had an afternoon's rest at the price of L100!--rather more
+than some people might be inclined to pay for a game of forfeits!
+
+The time is not yet ripe--(has anyone _ever_ seen time get ripe, I
+wonder?)--for disclosing what I know about the Cesarewitch--(I never
+know whether I've spelt that correctly or not!--and the more you look
+at it the "wronger" it seems!)--but I may mention that I've heard
+great accounts of _Kingkneel_, who was bought the other day for Sir
+GREENASH BURNLEY (the latest favourite of fortune, and beloved of
+the ring)--and had he not earned a penalty--(this expression ought
+to be changed, as it implies, to my mind, which is an _excellent_
+average sample; a misdemeanor)--by winning a paltry thousand pounds
+race somewhere; I really believe the Cesare--no!--not again!--was
+at his mercy--but now, as the turf-writer puts it--"I shall look
+elsewhere!"--as if _that_ would make any difference!--but of this
+race, more anon, and meantime, those who are fond of the "good things"
+of this life must not miss my selection for the big race of next week
+at Kempton--on the Jubilee Course, which said course, I am told, is by
+no means a Jubilee for the jockeys, owing to the danger in "racing for
+the bend."
+
+There are several horses entered who seem to have great chances,
+making the race as difficult as a problem in _Euclid_--but my
+selection will most certainly be "there, or thereabouts," which is a
+comforting, if somewhat vague reflection.
+
+Yours truly, LADY GAY.
+
+DUKE OF YORK STAKES SELECTION.
+
+  The muse is dull!--the day is dead!
+    And vain is all endeavour
+  To light afresh the poet's spark--
+    I _can't_ find a rhyme for the winner,
+          _Iddesleigh_,
+
+P.S.--Really it's most thoughtless of owners to harass one with such
+names!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IN THIS STYLE, TWO-AND-SIX."
+
+(IN THE POUND).
+
+SIR,--I have been much struck with the suggestion to do without hats,
+and have made trial of the system. It has also made trial of _me_,
+in the way of colds in the head, bronchial catarrh, &c., but I still
+persevere. _It's so much cheaper!_ I have sold my stock of old
+hats for half-a-crown, and calculate that I shall save _quite three
+shillings per annum_ by not buying new ones. Surely anybody can see
+that this is well worth doing! I am now seriously contemplating the
+possibility of _doing without boots_!
+
+Yours truly, SAVE THE SAXPENCES.
+
+SIR,--Talk about hair growing if you leave off hats! My hair
+was falling off in handfuls a little time ago. Did I abjure hats
+altogether? Not being a born idiot, I did not. But I saw that what was
+needed was proper ventilation aloft. So I had a specially-constructed
+top-hat made, with holes all round it. In fact there were more holes
+than hat, and the hatter scornfully referred to it as a "sieve." The
+invention answered splendidly. There was a thorough draught constantly
+rushing across the top of my head, with the speed and violence of a
+first-class tornado. My locks, before so scanty, at once began to grow
+in such profusion that it now seems impossible to stop them, except
+by liberal applications of "Crinificatrix," the Patent Hair Restorer.
+_That_ checks the growth effectually. My general name among chance
+acquaintances is "Old Doormat." You can judge how thick my hair must
+be and I ascribe it entirely to the beneficent action of the draught,
+as before,
+
+Yours, WELL-COVERED.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Why would it be a mistake to say that a Negro was "as
+black as my hat?" _Because I never wear one._ The only inconvenience
+resulting is in wet weather--but, even then, I am prepared for all
+emergencies. I keep in my pocket a little square of black waterproof,
+to cover my head when it rains. In an Assize town, the other day, I
+was followed by an angry crowd, who imagined that I was one of the
+Judges, and that I had gone mad, and was walking about the streets
+with the black cap on! But all true reformers are treated in this way,
+even in England, the land of Liberty.
+
+Yours, HATZOFF.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK.]
+
+  "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
+    The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!"--
+  Ah, CARROLL! it is not in fun
+    Your song's light lilt we snatch.
+
+  Our Jabberwock's a _real_ brute,
+    With mighty maw, and ruthless hand,
+  Who ravage makes beyond compute
+    In Civic Blunderland.
+
+  Look at the ogre's hideous mouth!
+    His tiger-teeth, his dragon-tail!
+  O'er Town, East, West, and North and South,
+    He leaves his slimy trail.
+
+  And where he comes all Beauty dies,
+    And where he halts all Greenery fades.
+  Pleasantness flies where'er he plies
+    His gruesomest of trades.
+
+  He blights the field, he blasts the wood,
+    With breath as fierce as prairie flame;
+  And where sweet works of Nature stood,
+    He leaves us--slums of shame.
+
+  The locust and the canker-worm
+    Are not more ruinous than he.
+  "I'll take this Eden--for a term!"
+    He cries, and howls with glee.
+
+  "Beauty? Mere bosh! Charm? Utter rot!
+    What boots your 'Earthly Paradise,'
+  Until 'tis made 'A Building Plot'?
+    Then it indeed looks nice!
+
+  "O Jerry Street! O Jerry Park!
+    O Jerry Gardens, Jerry Square!--
+  You won't discover--what a lark!--
+    One 'touch of Nature' there!
+
+  "'This handsome Villa Residence'
+    Means mud-built walls and clay-clogged walks;
+  And drains offensive to the sense,
+    And swamps whence fever stalks.
+
+  "Beauty's best friends I drive away,
+    Artists who sketch, ramblers who rove,
+  Lovers who spoon, children who play,--
+    All, all who Nature love.
+
+  "Nor do I give them wholesome homes
+    For verdant meads--no, there's the fun!
+  Stuccodom, frail and sickly, comes
+    After 'Lot Twenty-One!'
+
+  "I make a clearing, dig a trench,
+    Run up a shell of rotten bricks.
+  And thus the rule of sham and stench
+    Upon the 'site' I fix.
+
+  "The ugly and unhealthy still
+    Associate with the name of Jerry;
+  And thus I work my wicked will,
+    And flourish, and make merry!"
+
+  'Twas so the Jerry-Jabberwock
+    Sang in a suburb, void of shame,
+  Blunderland's civic will to mock,
+    And put its sense to shame.
+
+  This ogre of our towns to slay,
+    Where is the urban "Beamish Boy"?
+  CARROLL, when comes that "frabjous day,"
+    _We_'ll "chortle in our joy."
+
+  Young County Council, are _you_ one?
+    'Tis said you're but a Bumble-batch!
+  Beware the Jobjob Bird, and shun
+    The Bigot-Bandersnatch!
+
+  We'll pardon much that seems absurd,
+    Excuse some blunders that bewilder,
+  If you'll but "draw your vorpal sword"
+    And slay--the Jerry-Builder!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METAMORPHOSIS.
+
+("_We know what we are, but we know not what we may be._")
+
+_Conductor_. "TAKE YER TO THE CIRCUS, AND THERE YOU'LL CHANGE INTO A
+HELEPHANT."
+
+_Master Kenneth_. "OH, MOTHER, WHAT A JOLLY CIRCUS! MAY WE GO AND SEE
+THE OLD GENTLEMAN CHANGE INTO AN ELEPHANT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN MERCURY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Behold that urchin, occupied
+  In counting with an honest pride
+    The marbles he has won!
+  O tardy messenger of fate,
+  Without distinction, small and great,
+  Their telegrams, perforce, await
+    Until your game is done.
+
+  Perchance a philosophic strain
+  Makes you regard as wholly vain
+    Our human bliss and woes;
+  What matters, whether State affairs,
+  Or news of good, or weighty carts,
+  Or tidings relative to shares
+    Within your bag repose?
+
+  Well, not by me will you be blamed;
+  I like to see you not ashamed
+   To dawdle for awhile;
+  You furnish, by example sage,
+  A moral for our busy age;
+  And so, though others fume and rage,
+    I watch you with a smile.
+
+  He moves at length, and now we'll see
+  Which way ... This telegram for me?
+    Oh, worst of human crimes
+  Is such delay!--it's monstrous quite!
+  I'll forward a complaint to-night!
+  Here, pen and paper--let me write
+    A letter to the _Times_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAM was heard to remark that she "didn't know a finer body of
+men than the Yokel Loamanry." Probably the old lady meant the Local
+Yeomanry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. XVI.--TO YOUTHFULNESS.
+
+You are much misunderstood. For it is supposed that those who in this
+world bear your stamp upon them are to be recognised without trouble
+by the mere calculation of their years of life. No notion can be
+further from the truth. Mere absence of wrinkles, the presence or
+colour of the hair on the head, the elasticity of limbs, these do not
+of themselves, I protest, testify to youthfulness. I knew a lad of
+twenty, who, in the judgment of the world, was young. In mine he was
+one of the hoariest as he was one of the least scrupulous of men. No
+veteran that I ever met could have put him up to any trick, or added
+any experience to his store. He seemed to have a marvellous and
+intuitive experience of the ways of life, and of the tricks of men.
+No shady society came amiss to him. He gambled, in his way, as coolly,
+and with as careful a precision, as _Barry Lyndon_; he met the keen
+frequenters of the betting-ring on equal terms, and contrived, amid
+that vortex to keep his head above water. He had a faultless taste
+in wine--he knew a good cigar by an instinct. It is hardly necessary
+to add that, with all these accomplishments, he held and expressed
+the meanest opinion of human nature in general. Not even Sir ROBERT
+WALPOLE could have more cynically estimated the price at which men
+might be bought. As for women, this precocious paragon despised them,
+and women, as is their wont, repaid him by admiration, and, here
+and there, by genuine affection. I shudder to think how he might
+have developed in the course of years. It happened, however, that a
+shipwreck--a form of disaster against which cynicism and precocity
+afford no protection--removed him from the world before he had come of
+age. Now, to call this infant young, would have been a mockery. To all
+outward appearance, indeed, he was a boy, but his mind was that of a
+selfish and used-up _roue_ of sixty, without illusions, and without
+hope.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Let me pass to a more pleasant subject, and one with which you,
+my dear boy, are more closely connected. I refer to my old friend.
+General VANGARD, the kindest and best-natured man that ever drew
+half-pay. Seventy years have passed over his head, and turned his hair
+to silver, but his heart remains pure gold without alloy. In vain do
+his whiskers and moustache attempt to give a touch of fierceness to
+his face. The kindly eyes smile it away in a moment. He stands six
+feet and an inch, his back his broad, his step springy; he carries
+his head erect on his massive shoulders with a leonine air of
+good-humoured defiance. To hear him greet you, to feel his hand-shake,
+is to get a lesson in geniality. I never knew a man who had so
+whole-hearted a contempt for insincerity and affectation. It was
+only the other day that I saw little TOM TITTERTON, of the Diplomatic
+Service, introduced to him. TOM is a devil of a fellow in Society.
+He warbles little songs of his own composition at afternoon teas,
+he insinuates himself into the elderly affections of stony-hearted
+dowagers, he can lead a _cotillon_ to perfection, and is universally
+acknowledged as an authority on gloves and handkerchiefs. It was at a
+shooting-party that he and the General met. The little fellow advanced
+simpering, and raised a limp and dangling hand to about the height
+of his eyes. The General had extended his in his usual bluff and
+unceremonious manner. Naturally enough the hands failed to meet. A
+puzzled look came over the General's face. In a moment, however,
+he had grasped the situation, and TITTERTON's hand, and shaken the
+latter with a ferocious heartiness. "OW!" screamed TOM. It was a short
+exclamation, but a world of agony was concentrated into it. "The
+old bear has spoilt my shooting for the day," said TITTERTON to me
+afterwards, as he missed his tenth partridge. That very evening, I
+remember, there was a great discussion in the smoking-room on the
+subject of wrestling. One of the party, a burly youth of twenty-six,
+boasted somewhat loudly of the tricks that a Cornishman had lately
+taught him. For a long time the General sat silently puffing his
+cigar, but at length the would-be wrestler said something that roused
+him. "Would you mind showing me how that's done?" he said; "I seem to
+remember something about it, but it was done differently in my time.
+No doubt your notion's an improvement." Nothing loth the burly one
+stood up. I don't quite know what happened. The General seemed to
+stoop with outstretched hands and then raise himself with a spring as
+he met his opponent. A large body hurtled through the air, and in a
+moment the younger man was lying flat on the carpet amidst the shouts
+of the company. "It's the old 'flying mare' my boy," said the General
+to me, "a very useful dodge. I learnt it fifty years ago."
+
+In the company of young men the General is at his very best. He knows
+all their little weaknesses, and chaffs them with delightful point and
+humour, though he would not, for all the world, give them pain. It
+is a pleasant sight to see the old fellow with a party of his young
+friends, poking sly fun at them, laughing with them, taking all their
+jests in good part, and thoroughly enjoying himself. He can walk most
+of them off their legs still, can row with them on the broad reaches
+of the Thames, and keep his form with the best of them; he can hold
+his gun straight at driven birds, and revel like a boy in a rattling
+run to hounds across country. All the youngsters respect him by
+instinct, and love the cheery old fellow, whose heart is as soft as
+his muscles are hard. They talk to him as to an elder brother, come to
+him for his advice, and, which is perhaps even more strange, like it,
+and follow it. Withal, the General is the most modest of men. In his
+youth he was a mighty man of war. It was only the other day that I
+heard (not from his own lips, you may be sure) the thrilling stories
+of his hand-to-hand conflict with two gigantic Russians in the fog of
+Inkermann, and of his rescue of a wounded Sergeant at the attack in
+the Redan. With women, old or young, the General uses an old-fashioned
+and chivalrous courtesy, as far removed from latter-day smartness as
+was BAYARD from BOULANGER. The younger ones adore him. They all seem
+to be his nieces, for they all call him Uncle JOHN.
+
+A year or two ago the General fell ill, and the doctors shook their
+heads. It was touching to see the concern of all his young friends.
+CHARLIE CHIRPER, a gay little butterfly of a fellow, who never seemed
+to treat life as anything but a huge joke, became gloomy with anxiety.
+Twice every day he called to make inquiries, and, as the bulletins
+got worse, CHARLIE became visibly thinner. I saw him at the Club one
+evening, sitting moodily in a corner. "What's up, CHARLIE?" I said
+to him. "You look as if you'd been refused by an heiress." "The Old
+General's worse to-day," said CHARLIE, simply. "They're very anxious
+about him. No, dash it all!" he went on, "it's too bad. I can't bear
+to think of it. Such an old ripper as the General! Why must they take
+him? Why can't they take a useless chap like me, who never did anyone
+any good?" And the unaccustomed tears came into the lad's eyes as he
+turned his head away. But the old General battled through, and, thank
+Heaven, I can still write of him in the present tense.
+
+Yours as always, my dear boy, DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ANECDOTAGE."
+
+(_COMPANION VOLUME TO OTHER WORKS OF THE SAME KIND._)
+
+A traveller in Italy during the middle ages knew a Chemist very well
+indeed. One day a rather stylish Lady, with a shifty look about the
+eyes, entered the shop and asked for some poison. "I cannot furnish
+you. Madam, with what you require. I have quarrelled with the
+undertaker." The Traveller subsequently ascertained that the name of
+the lady was LUCREZIA BORGIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Just before the Battle of Waterloo, FOUCHE met BONAPARTE, who was then
+in command of the French Army. He said, "You will find that, before
+this campaign is over, I shall have on one foot a BLUCHER, and on
+the other a WELLINGTON. It is fortunate for me I cannot find pairs
+of both! This is a proof (if one is needed) of the EMPEROR's fear of
+fate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was (as a lad) very fond of exploration. One day
+he went over to America, and, arriving at his destination, christened
+it Columbia. The land of the Yankees, even now, is occasionally known
+by this appellation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Punch_ one day was invited to listen to Someone's Recollections
+or Reminiscences. All went well for five minutes, when the
+Autobiographist, looking up from his Autobiography, found that _Mr.
+Punch_ was fast asleep. The Sage slumbered as the Representative of
+the Public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, October 8, 1892, by Various
+
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