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diff --git a/15441-h/15441-h.htm b/15441-h/15441-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dadf063 --- /dev/null +++ b/15441-h/15441-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2351 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, October 8, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 8, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 8, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + + +Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15441] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 8, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" + id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + + <h2>AT A HYPNOTIC SÉANCE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Public Hall in a provincial town. The + Hypnotist—a tall, graceful, and handsome young man, + in well-fitting evening clothes—has already succeeded + in putting most of his subjects to sleep, and is going + round and inspecting them critically, as they droop limply + on a semicircle of chairs, in a variety of unpicturesque + attitudes. The only Lady on the platform is evidently as + yet in full possession of her senses.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First Female Spectator</i> (<i>to Second</i>). MARIA + MANGLES do take a time sending off, don't she?</p> + + <p><i>Second F.S.</i> (<i>also a friend of</i> Miss + MANGLES). Yes, that she do—it gives her such a silly + look, sitting there, the on'y one with her senses about + her!</p> + + <p><i>First F.S.</i> It's all affectation—she could + shut her eyes fast enough if she <i>liked</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Second F.S.</i> The 'Ipnotiser's coming round to her + now—she'll <i>have</i> to go off now. (<i>With a not + unpleasurable anticipation</i>.) I expect he'll make her do + all manner o' ridic'lous things!</p> + + <p><i>First F.S.</i> Well, it will be a lesson, to her + against making' herself so conspicuous another time. I + shan't pity her.</p> + + <p><i>The Hyp.</i> (<i>after a brief colloquy with</i> Miss + MANGLES). I see I am not likely to succeed with this Lady; + so, with many thanks to her on behalf of myself and the + audience for coming forward, I will detain her no + longer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/157.png" + alt="'I do. Lovely creature!'" /></a>"I do. Lovely + creature!" + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Applause, amidst which</i> Miss M. <i>descends to + her seat in the body of the hall, with a smile of conscious + triumph.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First F.S.</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). I don't see + what she's done to clap their hands about, myself!</p> + + <p><i>Second F.S.</i> Nor I neither—taking up his + time all for nothing—depend upon it she wouldn't have + gone up if he hadn't been so nice-looking!</p> + + <p><i>First F.S.</i> I wouldn't like to think <i>that</i> + of her myself; but, anyhow, she didn't get much by it, did + she? He soon sent <i>her</i> packing!</p> + + <p><i>Male Spectator</i> (<i>to a Woman in front of + him</i>). Evening, Mrs. MIDGELLY—I see they've got + your good man up on the platform.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> He <i>will</i> go, Mr. BUDKIN! He's gone + up every night the 'Ipnotiser's been here, and says he + feels it's going to do him good. So this evening I said I'd + come in too, and judge for myself. What good he expects to + get, laying there like a damp dishclout, <i>I</i> don't + know!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Meanwhile the</i> Hypnotist <i>has borrowed a + silver-handled umbrella from the audience, and thrust it + before the faces of one or two loutish-looking youths, who + immediately begin to squint horribly and follow the + silver-top with their noses, till they knock their heads + together.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Budkin</i> (<i>to</i> Mrs. MIDGELLY). He's going + to give your husband a turn of it now.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The umbrella-handle is applied to</i> Mr. M., <i>a + feeble-looking little man with a sandy top-knot; he grovels + after the silver-top when it is depressed, and makes futile + attempts to clamber up the umbrella after it when it is + held aloft.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I haven't patience to + look at him. A <i>Kitten</i> 'ud have had more sense!</p> + + <p><i>The Hyp.</i> (<i>calling up one of the heavy + youths</i>). Can you whistle, Sir? Yes? Then whistle + something. (<i>The</i> Youth <i>whistles a popular air in a + lugubrious tone</i>.) Now you <i>can't</i> + whistle—try. (<i>The</i> Youth <i>tries—and + produces nothing but a close imitation of an air-cushion + that is being unscrewed</i>.) Now, if I were not to wake + him up, this young gentleman's friends would never enjoy + the benefit of his whistle again!</p> + + <p><i>Voice from a Back Row. Don't</i> wake him, Guv'nor, + we can <i>bear</i> it!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>after restoring the lost talent, and + calling up another</i> Youth, <i>somewhat smartly + attired</i>). Now, Sir, what do you drink?</p> + + <p><i>The Youth</i> (<i>with a sleepy candour</i>). Beer + when I can get 'old of it.</p> + + <p><i>A Friend of his in Audience</i>. JIM's 'aving a lark + with him—he said as 'ow he meant to kid him + like—<i>he</i> ain't 'ipnotised, bless yer!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> But you like water, too, don't you? (JIM + <i>admits this—in moderation.)</i> Try this. (<i>He + gives him a tumbler of water</i>.) Is that good water?</p> + + <p><i>Jim</i> (<i>smacking his lips</i>). That's good water + enough, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> It's bad water—taste it again.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[JIM <i>tastes, and ejects it with every symptom of + extreme disapproval.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Jim's Friend</i>. Try him with a drop o' Scotch in + it—<i>'e'll</i> get it down!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>to</i> JIM). There is <i>no</i> water in + that glass—it's full of sovereigns, don't you see? + (JIM <i>agrees that this is so, and testifies to his + conviction by promptly emptying the contents of the glass + into his trousers' pocket</i>) What have you got in your + pocket?</p> + + <p><i>Jim</i> (<i>chuckling with satisfaction</i>). + Quids—golden sovereigns!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Wake up! <i>Now</i> what do you find in your + pocket—any sovereigns?</p> + + <p><i>Jim</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Sovereigns? No, Sir! + (<i>After putting his hand in his pocket, bringing it out + dripping, and dolefully regarding the stream of water + issuing from his leg</i>.) More like water, Sir.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He makes dismal efforts to dry himself, amidst roars + of laughter.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>His Friend</i>. Old JIM didn't come best out o' + that!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>to</i> JIM). You don't feel comfortable? + (<i>Emphatic assent from</i> JIM.) Yes, you do, you feel no + discomfort whatever.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[JIM <i>resumes his seat with a satisfied + expression.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Open-minded Spect.</i> Mind yer, if this yere + 'Ipnotism can prevent water from being wet, there must be + <i>something</i> in it!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> I will now give you an illustration of the + manner in which, by hypnotic influence, a subject can_ be + affected with an entirely imaginary pain. Take this + gentleman. (<i>Indicating the unfortunate</i> Mr. MIDGELLY, + <i>who is slumbering peacefully</i>.) Now, what pain shall + we give him?</p> + + <p><i>A Voice</i>. Stomach-ache!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>This suggestion, however, is so coyly advanced that + it fortunately escapes notice.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Tooth-ache? Very good—we will give him + tooth-ache.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Audience receive this with enthusiasm, which + increases to rapturous delight when</i> Mr. MIDGELLY's + <i>cheek begins to twitch violently, and he nurses his jaw + in acute agony; the tooth-ache is then transferred to + another victim, who writhes in an even more entertaining + manner, until the unhappy couple are finally relieved from + torment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Spect.</i> Well, it's better nor any play, this + is—but he ought to ha' passed the toothache round the + lot of 'em, just for the fun o' the thing!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Midgelly</i>. I should ha' thought there was + toothache enough without coming here to get more of it, but + so long as MIDGELLY's enjoyin' himself, <i>I</i> shan't + interfere!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Hypnot. <i>has impressed his subjects with + the idea that there is an Angel at the other end of the + hall, and they are variously affected by the celestial + apparition, some gazing with a rapt grin, while others + invoke her stiffly, or hail her like a cab.</i> Mr. + MIDGELLY <i>alone exhibits no interest.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Budkin</i> (<i>to</i> Mrs. M.). Your 'usband + don't seem to be putting himself out, Angel or no + Angel.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>complacently</i>). He knows too well + what's due to <i>me</i>, Mr. BUDKIN. <i>I'm</i> Angel + enough for him!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> I shall now persuade this Gentleman that + there is a beautiful young lady in green at the door of + this hall. (<i>To</i> Mr. M.) Do you see her, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> (<i>rising with alacrity</i>). I do. + Lovely creature!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He suddenly snatches up a decanter of water, and + invites his invisible charmer, in passionate pantomime, to + come up and share it with him—to the infinite delight + of the Audience, and disgust of his Wife.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h3 class="sc">After the Performance.</h3> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Midgelly</i> (<i>as he rejoins his Wife</i>). I + felt the influence more strongly to-night than what I have + yet; and the Professor says, if I only keep on coming up + every night while he's here, I shall soon be completely + susceptible to—Why, whatever's the matter, my + dear?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> Matter! You're quite susceptible enough + as it is; and, now I know how you can go on, you don't + catch me letting <i>you</i> get 'ipnotised again. You and + your young lady in green indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. M.</i> (<i>utterly mystified</i>). Me and + my—I don't know what you're alluding to. It's the + first <i>I've</i> heard of it!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>grimly</i>). Well, it won't be the + last by a long way. Oh, the insight I've had into your + character this evening, MIDGELLY!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. M. <i>is taken home, to realise that Hypnotism is + not altogether without its dangers.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" + id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/158.png" + alt="THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON." /></a> + + <h3>THUNDERS FROM SNOWDON.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Nothing could have served my purpose better, than + to have drawn this illuminating flash out of the + thunders," &c., &c.—<i>Vide Duke of + Argyll's Letter to The Times, and his Letter to + Somebody who had drawn his Grace's attention to Mr. + Gladstone's Snowdon Speech.</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM. FROM WHITBREADFORDSHIRE.—Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE is + reported to have said, "I'll give you a good tip. Back + <i>Duke</i>—and my horses for the Cambridgeshire." New + Carpet Knight not successful as a sporting tipster, seeing that + Colonel DUKE, though he fought well, was beaten. Perhaps Sir + BLUNDELL meant <i>the Duke</i>, who races every night at Drury + Lane. That's a very good tip, as safe as houses—Drury + Lane houses, of course.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A CITY PARADOX.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our City Aldermanic lights</p> + + <p class="i2">Who talk (and live) a trifle high,</p> + + <p>In stern defence of civic rights</p> + + <p class="i2">Profess themselves prepared to die.</p> + + <p>And yet the Aldermanic crowd—</p> + + <p class="i2">It's amply true, say what you + will—</p> + + <p>With open eyes have just allowed</p> + + <p class="i2">The Mayoralty to come to KNILL!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"HABITUAL DRUNKARDS COMMITTEE."—An awful-looking + heading to a paragraph! What a picture the imagination may + conjure up of a Committee of Habitual Drunkards! There would be + the Honble. TOM TOPER, Lord SOTT, SAM SOKER, Marquis of MOPPS + and BROOMS, Captain FUDDLE, DICK SWIZZLER, R.N., FRANK FARGONE + (of the <i>Daily Booze</i>), with TITE ASA DRUMM in the Chair, + or if not, under the table with the others.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" + id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + + <h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Grouse in the Gun-room.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Many manuals have been published for the edification of + beginners in the art of shooting. If that art can indeed be + acquired by reading, there is no reason why any youth, whose + education has been properly attended to, should not be + perfectly proficient in it without having fired a single shot. + But, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has noticed in all these volumes a grave + defect. In none of them is any instruction given which shall + enable a man to obtain a conversational as well as a merely + shooting success. Every pursuit has its proper conversational + complement. The Farmer must know how to speak of crops and the + weather in picturesque and inflammatory language; the Barrister + must note, for use at the dinner-table, the subtle jests of his + colleagues, the perplexity of stumbling witnesses, and the + soul-stirring jokes of Judges; the Clergyman must babble of + Sunday-schools and Choir-practices. Similarly, a Shooter must + be able to speak of his sport and its varied incidents. To be + merely a good shot is nothing. Many dull men can be that. The + great thing, surely, is to be both a good shot and a cheerful + light-hearted companion, with a fund of anecdotes and a rich + store of allusions appropriate to every phase of shooting. + <i>Mr. Punch</i> ventures to hope that the hints he has here + put together, may be of value to all who propose to go out and + "kill something" with a gun.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">The Gun.</h3> + + <p>No subject offers a greater variety of conversation than + this. But, of course, the occasion counts for a good deal. It + would be foolish to discharge it (metaphorically speaking) at + the head of the first comer. You must watch for your + opportunity. For instance, guns ought not to be talked about + directly after breakfast, before a shot has been fired. Better + wait till after the shooting-lunch, when a fresh start is being + made, say for the High Covert half a mile away. You can then + begin after this fashion to your host:—"That's a nice gun + of yours, CHALMERS. I saw you doing rare work with it at the + corner of the new plantation this morning." CHALMERS is sure to + be pleased. You not only call attention to his skill, but you + praise his gun, and a man's gun is, as a rule, as sacred to him + as his pipe, his political prejudices, his taste in wine, or + his wife's jewels. Therefore, CHALMERS is pleased. He smiles in + a deprecating way, and says, "Yes, it's not a bad gun, one of a + pair I bought last year."</p> + + <p>"Would you mind letting me feel it?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly not, my dear fellow here you are."</p> + + <p>You then interchange guns, having, of course, assured one + another that they are not loaded. Having received CHALMERS's + gun, you first appear to weigh it critically. Then, with an air + of great resolution, you bring it to your shoulder two or three + times in rapid succession, and fire imaginary shots at a cloud, + or a tuft of grass. You now hand it back to CHALMERS, + observing, "By Jove, old chap, it's beautifully balanced! It + comes up splendidly. Suits me better than my own." CHALMERS, + who will have been going through a similar pantomime with your + gun, will make some decently complimentary remark about it, and + each of you will think the other a devilish knowing and + agreeable fellow.</p> + + <p>From this point you can diverge into a discussion of the + latest improvements, as, <i>e.g.</i>, "Are ejectors really + valuable?" This is sure to bring out the man who has tried + ejectors, and has given them up, because last year, at one of + the hottest corners he ever knew, when the sky was simply black + with pheasants, the ejectors of both his guns got stuck. He + will talk of this incident as another man might talk of the + loss of a friend or a fortune. Here you may say,—"By gad, + what frightful luck! What did you do?" He will then narrate his + comminatory interview with his gun-maker; others will burst in, + and defend ejectors, or praise their own gun-makers, and the + ball, once set rolling, will not be stopped until you take your + places for the first beat of the afternoon, just as MARKHAM is + telling you that his old Governor never shoots with anything + but an old muzzle-loader by MANTON, and makes deuced good + practice with it too.</p> + + <p>"Choke" is not a very good topic; it doesn't last long. + After you have asked your neighbour if his gun is choked, and + told him that your left barrel has a modified choke, the + subject is pretty well exhausted.</p> + + <p>"Cast-off." Not to be recommended. There is very little to + be made of it.</p> + + <p>Something may be done with the price of guns. There's sure + to be someone who has done all his best and straightest + shooting with a gun that cost him only £15. Everybody else will + say, "It's perfect rot giving such high prices for guns. You + only pay for the name. Mere robbery." But there isn't one of + them who would consent not to be robbed.</p> + + <p>It sometimes creates a pretty effect to call your gun "My + old fire-iron," or "my bundook," or "this old gas-pipe of + mine."</p> + + <p>"Bore." Never pun on this word. It is never done in really + good sporting society. But you can make a few remarks, here and + there, about the comparative merits of twelve-bore and + sixteen-bore. Choose a good opening for telling your story of + the man who shot with a fourteen-bore gun, ran short of + cartridges on a big day, and was, of course, unable to borrow + from anyone else. Hence you can deduce the superiority of + twelve-bores, as being the more common size.</p> + + <p>All these subjects, like all others connected with shooting, + can be resumed and continued after dinner, and in the + smoking-room. Talk of the staleness of smoke! It's nothing to + the staleness of the stories to which four self-respecting + smoking-room walls have to listen in the course of an + evening.</p> + + <center> + (<i>To be continued.</i>) + </center> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/159.png" + alt="A PIS-ALLER." /></a> + + <h3>A PIS-ALLER.</h3> + + <p>"ARE THERE ANY NIGGERS ON THE BEACH THIS MORNING, + MAMMIE?"</p> + + <p>"NO, DEAR; IT'S SUNDAY MORNING."</p> + + <p>"OH, THEN I MAY AS WELL GO TO CHURCH WITH YOU!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BY-AND-BY LAWS FOR TRAFALGAR SQUARE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>When Meetings are held in "Times of Political or Social + Crises</i>.")</h4> + + <p>1. Cabs, omnibuses, carriages, and pedestrians will be + expected to keep clear of the space occupied by the + Demonstrators.</p> + + <p>2. To prevent destruction of glass and removal of property + from shop windows, tradesmen will be expected to put up their + shutters several hours before the holding of the meeting.</p> + + <p>3. No particular notice will be paid to the transference of + property from one leader of labour to another. If done by + stealth, it will be accepted as a proof of secret + Socialism.</p> + + <p>4. No objection will be raised to combats amongst the + Demonstrators, with the restriction that no Government property + is injured.</p> + + <p>5. As the maintaining of the road is a matter of contract, + Demonstrators wishing to emphasise their opinions, must bring + their own stones.</p> + + <p>6. As a good deal of property is expected to change hands + during the various proceedings, an application with a + description of lost goods, and photograph of supposed thief, + can be addressed to the Chief Inspector of Police, Scotland + Yard.</p> + + <p>7. These regulations (which are tentative) will be in force + until after the next General Election, when a fresh series will + be published, to be followed by others as occasion may + require.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" + id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span> + + <h2>A POOR ROAD TO LEARNING.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of a School Board Office. + Official discovered hard at work, doing single-handed in + London what is done by nearly a thousand officials combined + in "Bonnie Scotland." Enter Female Applicant, with + infant.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Applicant</i>. Please, Sir, here's my boy. Can you + take him?</p> + + <p><i>Official</i>. Certainly. Has he had any + education?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Well, as he's rising five, not much.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> But does he know anything? For instance, has + he learned any English history?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Not that I know of.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Has he dipped into geography?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Well, I don't think he has.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Can he cipher at all?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Not very well.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Does he know what two and two make?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Well, he has never said he does.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Can he write?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Well, no, he doesn't write.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> But I suppose he can read? Come, he at least + can read?</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Well, no, Sir, I am afraid he's not much of + a scholar. I don't think he can read.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Then he is absolutely + ignorant—miserably ignorant.</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Very likely, Sir,—you know best.</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Well, now, my good woman, I will tell you + what we will do with him. We will teach him to read, write, + and cipher, and give him an excellent education.</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> And you will take care of him, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Of course we will take care of him; and as + for his education, we will—</p> + + <p><i>App.</i> Oh, Sir, so long as you looks after him, + never you mind about his education!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit infantless.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO MAUD.</h3> + + <h4><i>A Penitent Roundel.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I called you MAUDE. I only meant to tease,</p> + + <p class="i2">But somehow, ere I ended, came to + laud</p> + + <p>Your charms in my poor verses. So in these</p> + + <p class="i8">I called you MAUDE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My name is <i>MAUD</i>."</p> + + <p class="i4">And I am overawed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forgive the indiscretion if you + please.</p> + + <p>The spirit Truth, they tell me, is abroad,</p> + + <p class="i2">And since she sojourns still across the + seas,</p> + + <p>I swear I knew the final <i>e</i> a fraud—</p> + + <p class="i2">So that you suffered from no lack of + <i>e</i>'s</p> + + <p class="i8">I called you MAUDE!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KNILL NISI BOIMUM.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/160-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/160-1.png" + alt="Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose." /> + </a>Lord Mayor Elect Knill and the Livery Goose. + </div> + + <p>The good common sense of the Common Councilman and Liverymen + of the City,—Liverymen not to be led astray by any false + lights,—coupled with their truly English love of + fairplay, prevailed, and the City Fathers on Goose Day were + prevented from following in the goose-steps of that Uncommon + Councilman who, bearing the honoured names of BEAUFOY (a fine + old Norman-Baron title!) and of MOORE (shade of Sir THOMAS!), + made so extraordinary a display of bigotry and ignorance as, it + is to be hoped, is rare, and becoming rarer every day, among + our worthy JOHN GILPINS of credit and renown East of the + Griffin.</p> + + <p>But in spite of this nonsensical hot-gospelling rant, + Alderman and Sheriff STUART KNILL was elected Lord Mayor, while + BEAUFOY MOORE was, so to speak, no MOORE, and, in fact, very + much against his will and wish, was reduced to NIL. + WILLY-KNILLY he had to cave in. <i>Mr. Punch</i> congratulates + the Lord Mayor Elect, but still more does he congratulate the + City Fathers on rising above paltry sectarianism, so utterly + unworthy of time, place, and persons, and for standing up, in + true English fashion, for freedom of worship coupled with + absolute Liberty of Conscience.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PRIDE OF THE EMPIRE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/160-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/160-2.png" + alt="'A Warde with you.'" /></a>"A Warde with you." + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/160-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/160-3.png" + alt="Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period)." /> + </a>Stock Exchange Swell (Empire Period). + </div> + + <p>At this moment there is really a very excellent + extertainment at the Empire Theatre of Varieties, something, or + rather many things of which the Management may, and should be + proud. A capital troupe of Bicyclists, a Spanish Dancer and + singer—whose gestures to the multitude are more + intelligible than her language—a graceful, serpentine + dancer, and "a very peculiar American Comedian"—all these + are a part of the programme. But the best item in this liberal + bill of fare is <i>Round the Town</i>, a characteristic Ballet, + in five <i>tableaux</i>. The composers of this pleasing piece + are Madame KATTI LANNER, and Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. As the lady + is well known for her admirable dances, it may be safely + presumed that the gentleman is solely responsible for the plot, + or rather "the argument." It runs as follows:—"<i>Dr. + Burch</i>, newly arrived in London with his pupils, wishes to + show them the sights. What better to begin with than Covent + Garden Market in the early morning?" Quite so, the more + especially as the lads must be very backward boys. There are + six of them, and the youngest seems about thirty, and the + oldest about double that age. The Doctor must have rescued them + from Epsom Race Course, and apparently is attempting to give + them an education fitting them to follow what seems to be his + own calling—the profession of an undertaker. These + elderly pupils follow their kind preceptor (for, although he is + called <i>Burch</i>, there is not the slightest suggestion of + the rod about him, and, moreover, his charges are really too + elderly to receive chastisement) to the Royal Exchange, the + Thames Embankment, and, lastly, to the Empire. During their + travels, they meet <i>Mr. Rapless</i>, known as "the Oofless + Swell," (a part amusingly played by Mr. W. WARDE), and <i>John + Brough</i>, a carpenter with a taste for ballet costumes and + drink, the carpenter's wife, and the carpenter's + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" + id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> child. <i>Dr. Burch</i>, + who is evidently easy-going, but good-hearted, after + flirting with a lady who has her boots cleaned before the + Royal Exchange, suddenly developes into a philanthropist, + not to say a divine. On the carpenter's wife and child + appearing on the Thames Embankment in the characters of + would-be suicides, the worthy pedagogue convinces them (to + quote the programme) "That they have no right to take away + the lives which the Almighty has placed in their hands." + Mother and child are quickly convinced, and the neat but + drunken father (Signorina MALVINA CAVALAZZI) appearing on + the scene, the good man informs him that his wife and child + are dead, "driven to an untimely grave by his (the + intemperate but natty artisan's) desertion and cruelty." The + effect of this inaccurate statement is startling. To quote + once more from the argument, "incontinently the now penitent + ruffian falls fainting to the ground." But he is brought + back to himself, his better self, by his child whispering + "Father!" The situation is full of pathos, even when + witnessed from the Stalls. Recovering his senses, the + converted carpenter promptly borrows money from the good old + Doctor, and when that estimable gentleman is about to enter + the Empire Theatre of Varieties (accompanied by his school), + a little later he has the "satisfaction of seeing his + <i>protégé Mortimer</i> (the ex-ruffian), returning + contentedly from his work." This is the simple but pathetic + story that Mr. GEO. EDWARDES touchingly tells with the + assistance of a full <i>corps de ballet</i>, five + <i>tableaux</i>, and last, but certainly not least, the + hints of Madame KATTI LANNER.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-2.png" + alt="Jolly Tar A.B. 'Hip, Hip, Hooray!'" /></a>Jolly + Tar A.B. "Hip, Hip, Hooray!" + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/161-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-3.png" + alt="Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen from Empire Stalls." /> + </a>Dramatic Situation on the Embankment, as seen from + Empire Stalls. + </div> + + <p>There are many remarkable persons in <i>Round the Town</i>. + Notably an effeminate but substantial stock-broker, who looks + like a stock-jobber's maiden-aunt in disguise. Another + important personage is a representative of the Navy, whose + figure suggests as an appropriate greeting, "Hip, hip, hip, + hooray!" Both these characters are well-played, and although + subordinate parts, make their mark, or rather, we should say, + score heavily. Altogether; the ballet is excellent both in + dances and plot. The first is a testimony of the good head of + Madame KATTI LANNER, and the last of the equally good heart of + Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES. There is no doubt that <i>Round the + Town</i> will draw all London to see (in its realistic scenes) + all London drawn!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From a Collection of Communications supplied by our + Prophetic Compiler.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Forgive me for addressing you, but the + urgency of the occasion warrants the intrusion. A hundred years + since, the old Fighting <i>Foudroyant</i> was sold by the + Admiralty to be broken up. The moment the Public of the Period + learned the cruel fact through the customary sources of + information, they flew to the rescue. Headed by the then LORD + MAYOR, they raised a fund to bring back the discarded vessel, + and yet in those distant days there were they who denied that + the <i>Foudroyant</i> had ever done anything in particular. And + now we propose doing the same thing. On the Thames there is an + ancient steamboat called <i>Citizen Z</i>, that once belonged + to the Company that started penny river lifts. It is certainly + rather out of date, but is full of historical memories. It is + said that the Cabinet travelled to Greenwich on its venerable + boards, where they feasted on the half-forgotten Whitebait, and + the entirely, superseded Champagne. It has carried, at one time + or another, all the nobility to Rosherville, there to spend (as + the old saying went) "a happy day," and yet it is proposed to + break it up! Out upon the thought! Have we no veneration for + our relics of the past? Cannot we appreciate a boat that should + have had an honoured place in the Museum at Woolwich? Do not + let this act of Vandalism be done. Save the steamer for the + sake of its past.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly, A REAR-ADMIRAL.</p> + + <p><i>H.M.S. Electric-Balloon, Skye.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I appeal to you, and I know I shall + not appeal in vain. The picturesque Cabman's Shelter in the + middle of Piccadilly is threatened! I hope you will exert your + influence to preserve it. It absolutely teems with historical + associations. Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL is supposed to have used + it for writing his famous letter on the Poor-Laws, and to this + day is shown the initials of CHARLES STUART PARNELL which were + carved by that celebrated statesman on one of its benches about + the middle of the last century—probably in 1854. And why + is it to be removed? Simply because it is said to impede the + traffic! Could anything be more absurd? Do, pray, save it from + the hand of the ruthless "improver." Yours truly,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO RESPECTS THE PAST.</p> + + <p><i>Tumbledowns, West Kensington</i> (<i>late + Reading</i>).</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-1.png" + alt="OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS." /></a> + + <h3>OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS.</h3> + + <p><i>First Chieftain</i>. "I SAY, OLD CHAP, WHAT A DOOSE + OF A BORE THESE GAMES ARE!"</p> + + <p><i>Second Chieftain</i>. "AH, BUT, MY DEAR BOY, IT IS + THIS SORT OF THING THAT HAS MADE US SCOTCHMEN <i>WHAT WE + ARE</i>!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" + id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/162.png" + alt="A NUISANCE." /></a> + + <h3>A NUISANCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Priscilla</i>. "YES; IT'S A BEAUTIFUL VIEW. BUT + TOURISTS ARE IN THE HABIT OF BATHING ON THE OPPOSITE SHORE, + AND THAT'S RATHER A DRAWBACK."</p> + + <p><i>Fair Visitor</i>. "DEAR ME! BUT AT SUCH A DISTANCE AS + THAT—SURELY—"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Priscilla</i>. "AH, BUT WITH A <i>TELESCOPE</i>, + YOU KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT LAST!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Jeremiad by a Middle-aged Martyr to the great Seaside + Superstition.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["To middle-aged people, at all events, nothing can be + more trying and deleterious than holidays."—<i>Daily + News</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, thanks to thee, thanks to thee, sage + unconventional!</p> + + <p class="i2">Heaven be blest, the truth's out, then, + at last!</p> + + <p>Holiday woes—'twould take volumes to mention + all!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now, in the lump, meet a shrewd + counterblast.</p> + + <p><i>Trying?</i> Of course they are! <i>Most + deleterious?</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Scribe, let me clasp thee, in thought, to + this breast!</p> + + <p>Holiday-hunting is Man's most mysterious,</p> + + <p class="i10">Maddening guest!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Quixote</i>, I swear, was a model of sanity,</p> + + <p class="i2">When with the Holiday-seeker + compared.</p> + + <p>Fidgety folly, and fussy inanity.</p> + + <p class="i2">These be the figments by which we are + snared.</p> + + <p>Soon as you're drawn from your own cosy + drawing-room,</p> + + <p class="i2">Far over flood, field, or foam—for + your sins—</p> + + <p>Then, when your breast makes for vulturine gnawing + room,</p> + + <p class="i10">Bother begins!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bother, that bugbear of bufferish Middle-Age!</p> + + <p class="i2">Swift "scurry-funging" may do for the + young,</p> + + <p>The "hey-diddle-diddle, the Cat-and-the-fiddle" + age.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Over the moon" I myself once had + sprung,</p> + + <p>Thirty years syne, in sheer fervour + athletical—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now, like the dog, I would laugh, and + look on.</p> + + <p>Once, with sheer "drive," I'd a sense + sympathetical—</p> + + <p class="i10">Now I have none!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Holiday? Term, Sir, is simply a synonym</p> + + <p class="i2">For—waste of tissue! What doctor + will dare</p> + + <p>Tell his poor patients so? <i>I</i>'ll put <i>my</i> + tin on him!</p> + + <p class="i2">Rest? Recreation? Pick-up? Change of + air?</p> + + <p>All question-begging fudge-phrases of sophistry!</p> + + <p class="i2">Let city-toilers who're fagged or "run + down,"</p> + + <p>Autumnal <i>quiet</i> (in home or in office), + try;</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Not</i> "out of town."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Out of town? Where is the term that's + claptrappier?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Means</i> out of temper, or out of + your mind.</p> + + <p>Boot-black or old crossing-sweeper's far + happier,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tied to his task in the town—as + you'll find.</p> + + <p>Picking up coppers far better than picking up</p> + + <p class="i2">Shells by the sea, or sham friends on the + snore.</p> + + <p>Bah! What have buffers to do with such + kicking-up</p> + + <p class="i10">Heels? It's a bore!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who'll start a League to be called Anti-Holiday?</p> + + <p class="i2">Bet half the middle-aged men-folk will + join!</p> + + <p>Then we <i>might</i> get an occasional jolly + day,</p> + + <p class="i2">Free from the pests who perplex and + purloin.</p> + + <p>"Health-Resort" quackery, portmanteau-packery,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cheat-brigade charges and chills I might + miss.</p> + + <p>Dear-bought jimcrackery, female + knicknackery!—</p> + + <p class="i10">Oh! 'twere pure bliss!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BRAVO, BOBBY!</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The Brighton Police have received orders to move on + all organ-grinders."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bless you, Brighton Bobby, bless you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Boldly bringing balmy bliss!</p> + + <p>Barrel—organ barred—I guess you</p> + + <p class="i2">Banish blatant bands with this.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brazen blasts, by boobies blowing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bad as barrel's buzz can be.</p> + + <p>Bid them budge! I'd vote for throwing</p> + + <p class="i2">Beggars like these in the sea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Battered bands from Bremen, Berlin;</p> + + <p class="i2">Bearded bandits, born between</p> + + <p>Bari and Bergamo, hurl in!</p> + + <p class="i2">Bathed—that's what they've never + been!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Britons all, oh, be not laggards,</p> + + <p class="i2">But, like Brighton, move them on!</p> + + <p>Bad, bacteria-hearing black-guards,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beastly, blatant brutes, begone!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANOTHER ABOUT THE NEW LORD MAYOR ELECT.—"It's <i>a + Knill wind</i> that blows nobody any good." <i>Signed</i>, + BOGIE MOORE.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" + id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/163.png" + alt="THE OLD SPIRIT." /></a> + + <h3>THE OLD SPIRIT.</h3> + + <center> + ["<i>Gentlemen of the Life + Guards,—Forward—March!"—</i>Sir + WALTER SCOTT. "<i>Old Mortality</i>."] + </center> + + <p>L'ESPRIT DE CORPS (<i>loq.</i>). "SHAME! SHAME!—IS + IT THUS YOU USE YOUR SWORDS? WHATEVER MAY HAVE HAPPENED, + ARE WE NOT STILL 'GENTLEMEN OF THE LIFE GUARDS'?"</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"It is stated that Lord METHUEN, after censuring the + conduct of the regiment, requested the men who had cut + the saddle-panels to step forward and own the act, + which would in that case be dealt with simply as a case + of insubordination. He gave them a few minutes to + consider, but as none of them made any admission, he + intimated that he should have to report the matter to + the Commander-in-Chief as a mutiny."—<i>Daily + Paper, 30th Sept.</i>, 1892.</p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" + id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/165.png" + alt="AN ABSENT AUDIENCE." /></a> + + <h3>AN ABSENT AUDIENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Socialist</i>. "Ah!—it's all very well yer + looking at <i>Me</i>, with yer Smiles AND yer + Jeers...."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DE CORONA.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The shape of the hat is another token in which + individuality asserts itself, and the angle at which it is + worn. There are men who vary this angle with their + different moods."—<i>Article on "Men's Dress," Daily + News, Sept.</i> 10.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You ask why I gaze with devotion</p> + + <p class="i2">At ALGERNON's features, my love?</p> + + <p>Nay, you are astray in your notion,</p> + + <p class="i2">My glance is directed above;</p> + + <p>His hair may be yellow or ruddy,</p> + + <p class="i2">No longer I'm anxious for that,</p> + + <p>But now I incessantly study</p> + + <p class="i8">The tilt of his hat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At times it will carelessly dangle</p> + + <p class="i2">With an air of æsthetic repose,</p> + + <p>At others will point to an angle</p> + + <p class="i2">Inclined to the tip of his nose;</p> + + <p>When it rests on the side of his head, he</p> + + <p class="i2">Will smile at whatever befalls,</p> + + <p>When pushed o'er his brow, we make ready</p> + + <p class="i8">For numerous squalls!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When he starts for his train to the City</p> + + <p class="i2">It is put on exactly upright,</p> + + <p>And who would not view it with pity</p> + + <p class="i2">Return, mud-bespattered, at night?</p> + + <p>When early, so polished and glowing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Jammed on at haphazard when late;</p> + + <p>It forms a barometer, showing</p> + + <p class="i8">His mood up to date.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And you, who are young and unmarried,</p> + + <p class="i2">Give heed to my counsel, I pray;</p> + + <p>Do not, I entreat you, be carried</p> + + <p class="i2">By wealth or affection away;</p> + + <p>The heroine, novelists mention,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Eyes fondly his features." Instead,</p> + + <p>Observe, for <i>your</i> part, with attention,</p> + + <p class="i8">The hat on his head!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW COLLECTION OF <i>HIMS</i>, ANCIENT AND + MODERN.—The Church Congress at Folkestone.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>We were not overcrowded last week at Newmarket, and really + the more one takes racing from a business point of view, the + more attractive it becomes!—at least, I have found it so + myself ever since it has been my duty to acquire information + for the benefit of my readers.</p> + + <p>There was only one thing that annoyed me during the week, + and that was the inconsiderate behaviour of <i>Windgall</i> in + winning the October Handicap, although it was a most + extraordinary confirmation of my remarks anent his performance + in the Leicester Handicap, in my last letter; but it <i>is</i> + annoying that, when you select a horse to win a race, he runs + <i>second</i>, and directly after wins a race for which he is + <i>not</i> selected, beating the horse chosen by a + length!—it puzzles me completely, as it is impossible in + this case to put it down to want of good breeding! We were + sorry not to have the <i>Buccaneer-Orvieto</i> match decided, + as it would have been the event of the meeting; but, as the old + proverb runs, "a wise owner is merciful to his beast," so + <i>Orvieto</i> had an afternoon's rest at the price of + £100!—rather more than some people might be inclined to + pay for a game of forfeits!</p> + + <p>The time is not yet ripe—(has anyone <i>ever</i> seen + time get ripe, I wonder?)—for disclosing what I know + about the Cesarewitch—(I never know whether I've spelt + that correctly or not!—and the more you look at it the + "wronger" it seems!)—but I may mention that I've heard + great accounts of <i>Kingkneel</i>, who was bought the other + day for Sir GREENASH BURNLEY (the latest favourite of fortune, + and beloved of the ring)—and had he not earned a + penalty—(this expression ought to be changed, as it + implies, to my mind, which is an <i>excellent</i> average + sample; a misdemeanor)—by winning a paltry thousand + pounds race somewhere; I really believe the + Cesare—no!—not again!—was at his + mercy—but now, as the turf-writer puts it—"I shall + look elsewhere!"—as if <i>that</i> would make any + difference!—but of this race, more anon, and meantime, + those who are fond of the "good things" of this life must not + miss my selection for the big race of next week at + Kempton—on the Jubilee Course, which said course, I am + told, is by no means a Jubilee for the jockeys, owing to the + danger in "racing for the bend."</p> + + <p>There are several horses entered who seem to have great + chances, making the race as difficult as a problem in + <i>Euclid</i>—but my selection will most certainly be + "there, or thereabouts," which is a comforting, if somewhat + vague reflection.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly, LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Duke of York Stakes Selection.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The muse is dull!—the day is dead!</p> + + <p class="i2">And vain is all endeavour</p> + + <p>To light afresh the poet's spark—</p> + + <p class="i2">I <i>can't</i> find a rhyme for the + winner,</p> + + <p class="i8"><i>Iddesleigh</i>,</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>P.S.—Really it's most thoughtless of owners to harass + one with such names!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"IN THIS STYLE, TWO-AND-SIX."</h2> + + <h4 class="sc">(In the Pound).</h4> + + <p>SIR,—I have been much struck with the suggestion to do + without hats, and have made trial of the system. It has also + made trial of <i>me</i>, in the way of colds in the head, + bronchial catarrh, &c., but I still persevere. <i>It's so + much cheaper!</i> I have sold my stock of old hats for + half-a-crown, and calculate that I shall save <i>quite three + shillings per annum</i> by not buying new ones. Surely anybody + can see that this is well worth doing! I am now seriously + contemplating the possibility of <i>doing without + boots</i>!</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + SAVE THE SAXPENCES.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Talk about hair growing if you leave off hats! My + hair was falling off in handfuls a little time ago. Did I + abjure hats altogether? Not being a born idiot, I did not. But + I saw that what was needed was proper ventilation aloft. So I + had a specially-constructed top-hat made, with holes all round + it. In fact there were more holes than hat, and the hatter + scornfully referred to it as a "sieve." The invention answered + splendidly. There was a thorough draught constantly rushing + across the top of my head, with the speed and violence of a + first-class tornado. My locks, before so scanty, at once began + to grow in such profusion that it now seems impossible to stop + them, except by liberal applications of "Crinificatrix," the + Patent Hair Restorer. <i>That</i> checks the growth + effectually. My general name among chance acquaintances is "Old + Doormat." You can judge how thick my hair must be and I ascribe + it entirely to the beneficent action of the draught, as + before,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, WELL-COVERED.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—Why would it be a mistake to say that a + Negro was "as black as my hat?" <i>Because I never wear + one.</i> The only inconvenience resulting is in wet + weather—but, even then, I am prepared for all + emergencies. I keep in my pocket a little square of black + waterproof, to cover my head when it rains. In an Assize town, + the other day, I was followed by an angry crowd, who imagined + that I was one of the Judges, and that I had gone mad, and was + walking about the streets with the black cap on! But all true + reformers are treated in this way, even in England, the land of + Liberty.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, HATZOFF.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" + id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/166.png" + alt="THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK." /></a> + + <h3>THE JERRY-BUILDING JABBERWOCK.</h3> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!</p> + + <p class="i2">The jaws that bite, the claws that + catch!"—</p> + + <p>Ah, CARROLL! it is not in fun</p> + + <p class="i2">Your song's light lilt we snatch.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our Jabberwock's a <i>real</i> brute,</p> + + <p class="i2">With mighty maw, and ruthless hand,</p> + + <p>Who ravage makes beyond compute</p> + + <p class="i2">In Civic Blunderland.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Look at the ogre's hideous mouth!</p> + + <p class="i2">His tiger-teeth, his dragon-tail!</p> + + <p>O'er Town, East, West, and North and South,</p> + + <p class="i2">He leaves his slimy trail.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And where he comes all Beauty dies,</p> + + <p class="i2">And where he halts all Greenery + fades.</p> + + <p>Pleasantness flies where'er he plies</p> + + <p class="i2">His gruesomest of trades.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He blights the field, he blasts the wood,</p> + + <p class="i2">With breath as fierce as prairie + flame;</p> + + <p>And where sweet works of Nature stood,</p> + + <p class="i2">He leaves us—slums of shame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The locust and the canker-worm</p> + + <p class="i2">Are not more ruinous than he.</p> + + <p>"I'll take this Eden—for a term!"</p> + + <p class="i2">He cries, and howls with glee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beauty? Mere bosh! Charm? Utter rot!</p> + + <p class="i2">What boots your 'Earthly Paradise,'</p> + + <p>Until 'tis made 'A Building Plot'?</p> + + <p class="i2">Then it indeed looks nice!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"O Jerry Street! O Jerry Park!</p> + + <p class="i2">O Jerry Gardens, Jerry Square!—</p> + + <p>You won't discover—what a lark!—</p> + + <p class="i2">One 'touch of Nature' there!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'This handsome Villa Residence'</p> + + <p class="i2">Means mud-built walls and clay-clogged + walks;</p> + + <p>And drains offensive to the sense,</p> + + <p class="i2">And swamps whence fever + stalks.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" + id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beauty's best friends I drive away,</p> + + <p class="i2">Artists who sketch, ramblers who + rove,</p> + + <p>Lovers who spoon, children who play,—</p> + + <p class="i2">All, all who Nature love.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Nor do I give them wholesome homes</p> + + <p class="i2">For verdant meads—no, there's the + fun!</p> + + <p>Stuccodom, frail and sickly, comes</p> + + <p class="i2">After 'Lot Twenty-One!'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I make a clearing, dig a trench,</p> + + <p class="i2">Run up a shell of rotten bricks.</p> + + <p>And thus the rule of sham and stench</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the 'site' I fix.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The ugly and unhealthy still</p> + + <p class="i2">Associate with the name of Jerry;</p> + + <p>And thus I work my wicked will,</p> + + <p class="i2">And flourish, and make merry!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas so the Jerry-Jabberwock</p> + + <p class="i2">Sang in a suburb, void of shame,</p> + + <p>Blunderland's civic will to mock,</p> + + <p class="i2">And put its sense to shame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This ogre of our towns to slay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where is the urban "Beamish Boy"?</p> + + <p>CARROLL, when comes that "frabjous day,"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i>'ll "chortle in our joy."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young County Council, are <i>you</i> one?</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis said you're but a Bumble-batch!</p> + + <p>Beware the Jobjob Bird, and shun</p> + + <p class="i2">The Bigot-Bandersnatch!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We'll pardon much that seems absurd,</p> + + <p class="i2">Excuse some blunders that bewilder,</p> + + <p>If you'll but "draw your vorpal sword"</p> + + <p class="i2">And slay—the Jerry-Builder!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/167-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/167-1.png" + alt="METAMORPHOSIS." /></a> + + <h3>METAMORPHOSIS.</h3> + + <center> + ("<i>We know what we are, but we know not what we may + be.</i>") + </center> + + <p><i>Conductor</i>. "TAKE YER TO THE CIRCUS, AND THERE + YOU'LL CHANGE INTO A HELEPHANT."</p> + + <p><i>Master Kenneth</i>. "OH, MOTHER, WHAT A JOLLY CIRCUS! + MAY WE GO AND SEE THE OLD GENTLEMAN CHANGE INTO AN + ELEPHANT?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MODERN MERCURY.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/167-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/167-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Behold that urchin, occupied</p> + + <p>In counting with an honest pride</p> + + <p class="i2">The marbles he has won!</p> + + <p>O tardy messenger of fate,</p> + + <p>Without distinction, small and great,</p> + + <p>Their telegrams, perforce, await</p> + + <p class="i2">Until your game is done.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Perchance a philosophic strain</p> + + <p>Makes you regard as wholly vain</p> + + <p class="i2">Our human bliss and woes;</p> + + <p>What matters, whether State affairs,</p> + + <p>Or news of good, or weighty carts,</p> + + <p>Or tidings relative to shares</p> + + <p class="i2">Within your bag repose?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, not by me will you be blamed;</p> + + <p>I like to see you not ashamed</p> + + <p>To dawdle for awhile;</p> + + <p>You furnish, by example sage,</p> + + <p>A moral for our busy age;</p> + + <p>And so, though others fume and rage,</p> + + <p class="i2">I watch you with a smile.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He moves at length, and now we'll see</p> + + <p>Which way ... This telegram for me?</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, worst of human crimes</p> + + <p>Is such delay!—it's monstrous quite!</p> + + <p>I'll forward a complaint to-night!</p> + + <p>Here, pen and paper—let me write</p> + + <p class="i2">A letter to the <i>Times</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM was heard to remark that she "didn't know a finer + body of men than the Yokel Loamanry." Probably the old lady + meant the Local Yeomanry.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" + id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVI.—TO YOUTHFULNESS.</h3> + + <p>You are much misunderstood. For it is supposed that those + who in this world bear your stamp upon them are to be + recognised without trouble by the mere calculation of their + years of life. No notion can be further from the truth. Mere + absence of wrinkles, the presence or colour of the hair on the + head, the elasticity of limbs, these do not of themselves, I + protest, testify to youthfulness. I knew a lad of twenty, who, + in the judgment of the world, was young. In mine he was one of + the hoariest as he was one of the least scrupulous of men. No + veteran that I ever met could have put him up to any trick, or + added any experience to his store. He seemed to have a + marvellous and intuitive experience of the ways of life, and of + the tricks of men. No shady society came amiss to him. He + gambled, in his way, as coolly, and with as careful a + precision, as <i>Barry Lyndon</i>; he met the keen frequenters + of the betting-ring on equal terms, and contrived, amid that + vortex to keep his head above water. He had a faultless taste + in wine—he knew a good cigar by an instinct. It is hardly + necessary to add that, with all these accomplishments, he held + and expressed the meanest opinion of human nature in general. + Not even Sir ROBERT WALPOLE could have more cynically estimated + the price at which men might be bought. As for women, this + precocious paragon despised them, and women, as is their wont, + repaid him by admiration, and, here and there, by genuine + affection. I shudder to think how he might have developed in + the course of years. It happened, however, that a + shipwreck—a form of disaster against which cynicism and + precocity afford no protection—removed him from the world + before he had come of age. Now, to call this infant young, + would have been a mockery. To all outward appearance, indeed, + he was a boy, but his mind was that of a selfish and used-up + <i>roué</i> of sixty, without illusions, and without hope.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/168.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Let me pass to a more pleasant subject, and one with which + you, my dear boy, are more closely connected. I refer to my old + friend. General VANGARD, the kindest and best-natured man that + ever drew half-pay. Seventy years have passed over his head, + and turned his hair to silver, but his heart remains pure gold + without alloy. In vain do his whiskers and moustache attempt to + give a touch of fierceness to his face. The kindly eyes smile + it away in a moment. He stands six feet and an inch, his back + his broad, his step springy; he carries his head erect on his + massive shoulders with a leonine air of good-humoured defiance. + To hear him greet you, to feel his hand-shake, is to get a + lesson in geniality. I never knew a man who had so + whole-hearted a contempt for insincerity and affectation. It + was only the other day that I saw little TOM TITTERTON, of the + Diplomatic Service, introduced to him. TOM is a devil of a + fellow in Society. He warbles little songs of his own + composition at afternoon teas, he insinuates himself into the + elderly affections of stony-hearted dowagers, he can lead a + <i>cotillon</i> to perfection, and is universally acknowledged + as an authority on gloves and handkerchiefs. It was at a + shooting-party that he and the General met. The little fellow + advanced simpering, and raised a limp and dangling hand to + about the height of his eyes. The General had extended his in + his usual bluff and unceremonious manner. Naturally enough the + hands failed to meet. A puzzled look came over the General's + face. In a moment, however, he had grasped the situation, and + TITTERTON's hand, and shaken the latter with a ferocious + heartiness. "OW!" screamed TOM. It was a short exclamation, but + a world of agony was concentrated into it. "The old bear has + spoilt my shooting for the day," said TITTERTON to me + afterwards, as he missed his tenth partridge. That very + evening, I remember, there was a great discussion in the + smoking-room on the subject of wrestling. One of the party, a + burly youth of twenty-six, boasted somewhat loudly of the + tricks that a Cornishman had lately taught him. For a long time + the General sat silently puffing his cigar, but at length the + would-be wrestler said something that roused him. "Would you + mind showing me how that's done?" he said; "I seem to remember + something about it, but it was done differently in my time. No + doubt your notion's an improvement." Nothing loth the burly one + stood up. I don't quite know what happened. The General seemed + to stoop with outstretched hands and then raise himself with a + spring as he met his opponent. A large body hurtled through the + air, and in a moment the younger man was lying flat on the + carpet amidst the shouts of the company. "It's the old 'flying + mare' my boy," said the General to me, "a very useful dodge. I + learnt it fifty years ago."</p> + + <p>In the company of young men the General is at his very best. + He knows all their little weaknesses, and chaffs them with + delightful point and humour, though he would not, for all the + world, give them pain. It is a pleasant sight to see the old + fellow with a party of his young friends, poking sly fun at + them, laughing with them, taking all their jests in good part, + and thoroughly enjoying himself. He can walk most of them off + their legs still, can row with them on the broad reaches of the + Thames, and keep his form with the best of them; he can hold + his gun straight at driven birds, and revel like a boy in a + rattling run to hounds across country. All the youngsters + respect him by instinct, and love the cheery old fellow, whose + heart is as soft as his muscles are hard. They talk to him as + to an elder brother, come to him for his advice, and, which is + perhaps even more strange, like it, and follow it. Withal, the + General is the most modest of men. In his youth he was a mighty + man of war. It was only the other day that I heard (not from + his own lips, you may be sure) the thrilling stories of his + hand-to-hand conflict with two gigantic Russians in the fog of + Inkermann, and of his rescue of a wounded Sergeant at the + attack in the Redan. With women, old or young, the General uses + an old-fashioned and chivalrous courtesy, as far removed from + latter-day smartness as was BAYARD from BOULANGER. The younger + ones adore him. They all seem to be his nieces, for they all + call him Uncle JOHN.</p> + + <p>A year or two ago the General fell ill, and the doctors + shook their heads. It was touching to see the concern of all + his young friends. CHARLIE CHIRPER, a gay little butterfly of a + fellow, who never seemed to treat life as anything but a huge + joke, became gloomy with anxiety. Twice every day he called to + make inquiries, and, as the bulletins got worse, CHARLIE became + visibly thinner. I saw him at the Club one evening, sitting + moodily in a corner. "What's up, CHARLIE?" I said to him. "You + look as if you'd been refused by an heiress." "The Old + General's worse to-day," said CHARLIE, simply. "They're very + anxious about him. No, dash it all!" he went on, "it's too bad. + I can't bear to think of it. Such an old ripper as the General! + Why must they take him? Why can't they take a useless chap like + me, who never did anyone any good?" And the unaccustomed tears + came into the lad's eyes as he turned his head away. But the + old General battled through, and, thank Heaven, I can still + write of him in the present tense.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours as always, my dear boy,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"ANECDOTAGE."</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Companion Volume to other Works of the same + kind.</i>)</h4> + + <p>A traveller in Italy during the middle ages knew a Chemist + very well indeed. One day a rather stylish Lady, with a shifty + look about the eyes, entered the shop and asked for some + poison. "I cannot furnish you. Madam, with what you require. I + have quarrelled with the undertaker." The Traveller + subsequently ascertained that the name of the lady was LUCREZIA + BORGIA.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Just before the Battle of Waterloo, FOUCHÉ met BONAPARTE, + who was then in command of the French Army. He said, "You will + find that, before this campaign is over, I shall have on one + foot a BLUCHER, and on the other a WELLINGTON. It is fortunate + for me I cannot find pairs of both! This is a proof (if one is + needed) of the EMPEROR's fear of fate.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was (as a lad) very fond of + exploration. One day he went over to America, and, arriving at + his destination, christened it Columbia. The land of the + Yankees, even now, is occasionally known by this + appellation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i> one day was invited to listen to Someone's + Recollections or Reminiscences. All went well for five minutes, + when the Autobiographist, looking up from his Autobiography, + found that <i>Mr. Punch</i> was fast asleep. The Sage slumbered + as the Representative of the Public.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, October 8, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15441-h.htm or 15441-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/4/15441/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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