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diff --git a/15442-h/15442-h.htm b/15442-h/15442-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7040ce --- /dev/null +++ b/15442-h/15442-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2457 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, October 31, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101, +October 31, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101, October 31, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + + +Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15442] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 31, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" + id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + + <h2>YOUNG GRANDOLPH'S BARTY.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:55%; margin-right:4em;"> + <a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205-1.png" + alt="Y" /></a> + </div> + + <p>(<i>Afrikander Version of the great Breitmann Ballad, + penned, "more in sorrow than in anger," by a "Deutscher" + resident in the distant regions where the Correspondent of the + "Daily Graphic" is, like der Herr Breitmann himself, + "drafellin' apout like eferydings.</i>")</p> + + <div class="poem" + style="margin-right:7%;"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty—</p> + + <p class="i2">Vhere is dat Barty now?</p> + + <p>He fell'd in luf mit der African goldt;</p> + + <p class="i2">Mit SOLLY he'd hat a row;</p> + + <p>He dinks dat his secession</p> + + <p class="i2">Would make der resht look plue,</p> + + <p>But, before he drafel vast and var,</p> + + <p class="i2">His Barty sphlit in two.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty—</p> + + <p class="i2">Dere vash B-LF-R, W-LFF, and G-RST,</p> + + <p>Dey haf vorgot deir "Leater,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Und dat ish not deir vorst.</p> + + <p>B-LF-R vill "boss" der Commons,</p> + + <p class="i2">Vhile GRANDOLPH—sore + disgraced—</p> + + <p>Ish "oop a tree," like der Bumble Bee,</p> + + <p class="i2">Und W-LFF and G-RST are "placed."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty—</p> + + <p class="i2">Vhen he dat Barty led,</p> + + <p>B-LF-R vash but a "Bummer,"</p> + + <p class="i2">A loafing lollop-head.</p> + + <p>Young Tories schvore by GRANDOLPH,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Dey schvear <i>at</i> GRANDOLPH + now,)</p> + + <p>Now at de feet of der "lank æsthete"</p> + + <p class="i2">Der <i>Times</i> itshelf doth bow!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,</p> + + <p class="i2">Dere all vash "Souse und + Brouse."<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p>Now he hets not dat prave gompany</p> + + <p class="i2">All in der Commons House,</p> + + <p>To see <i>him</i> skywgle GL-DST-NE,</p> + + <p class="i2">Und schlog him on der kop.</p> + + <p>Young Tory bloods no longer shout</p> + + <p class="i2">Till der SCHPEAKER bids dem shtop.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Und, like dat Rhine Mermaiden</p> + + <p class="i2">"Vot hadn't got nodings on,"</p> + + <p>Dey "don't dink mooch of beoplesh</p> + + <p class="i2">Vat goes mit demselfs alone!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH <i>hat</i> a Barty—</p> + + <p class="i2">Where ish dat Barty now?</p> + + <p>Where ish dat oder ARTHUR's song</p> + + <p class="i2">Vot darkened der Champerlain's prow?</p> + + <p>Where ish de himmelstrahlende stern,</p> + + <p class="i2">De shtar of der Tory fight?</p> + + <p>All gon'd afay, as on Woodcock's wing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Afay in de ewigkeit!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty;</p> + + <p class="i2">He hunt der lions now,</p> + + <p>All in der lone Mashonaland,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he does not + "score"—somehow.</p> + + <p>One Grand Old Lion he dared to peard,</p> + + <p class="i2">Und he "potted" Earls and Dukes,</p> + + <p>But eight or nine real lions at once,</p> + + <p class="i2">He thinks are "<i>trop de luxe</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he scooted 'cross der sea,</p> + + <p>Und he tidn't say to dem, "Come, my poys,</p> + + <p class="i2">Und drafel along mit me!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p><i>Saus und Braus</i>—Ger., Riot and Bustle.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>"CORRECT CARD, GENTS!"—"Wanted a Map of London" was + the heading of a letter in the <i>Times</i> last Thursday. No, + Sir! that's not what is wanted. There are hundreds of 'em, + specially seductive pocket ones, with just the very streets + that one wants to discover as short cuts to great centres + carefully omitted. What <i>is</i> wanted is a <i>correct</i> + map of London, divided into pocketable sections, portable, + foldable, durable, on canvas,—but if imperfect, as so + many of these small pocket catch-shilling ones are just now, + although professedly brought up to date '91, they are worse + than useless, and to purchase one is a waste of time, temper + and money. We could mention an attractive-looking little + map—which, but no— Publishers and public are hereby + cautioned! N.B.—Test well your pocket map through a + magnifying glass before buying. <i>Experto crede!</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OYSTERLESS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By an Impecunious Gourmet</i>.)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Oysters are very dear, and are likely, as the season + advances, to be still higher in price.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Oyster mine! Oh, Oyster mine!</p> + + <p class="i2">You're still as exquisitely nice;</p> + + <p>With perfect pearly tints you shine,</p> + + <p class="i2">But you are such an awful price.</p> + + <p>The lemon and the fresh cayenne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brown bread and butter and the stout</p> + + <p>Are here, and just the same, but then</p> + + <p class="i2">What if I have to leave you out?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What wonder that my spirits droop,</p> + + <p class="i2">That life can bring me no delight,</p> + + <p>When I must give up oyster soup,</p> + + <p class="i2">So softly delicately white.</p> + + <p>The curry powder stands anear,</p> + + <p class="i2">The scallop shells, but what care + I—</p> + + <p>You're so abominably dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">O Oyster! that I cannot buy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With sad imaginative flights,</p> + + <p class="i2">I think upon the days of yore;</p> + + <p>Like TICKLER, on Ambrosian nights,</p> + + <p class="i2">I have consumed them by the score.</p> + + <p>And still, whenever you appeared,</p> + + <p class="i2">My pride it was to use you well;</p> + + <p>I let the juice play round your beard,</p> + + <p class="i2">And always on the hollow shell.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I placed you in the fair lark-pie.</p> + + <p class="i2">With steak and kidneys too, of + course;</p> + + <p>Your ancestors were glad to die,</p> + + <p class="i2">So well I made the oyster sauce.</p> + + <p>I had you stewed and featly fried,</p> + + <p class="i2">And dipped in batter—think of + that;</p> + + <p>And, as a pleasant change, I've tried</p> + + <p class="i2">You, skewered in rows, with + bacon-fat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Where art thou, ALICE?" cried the bard.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Where art thou, Oyster?" I exclaim.</p> + + <p>It really is extremely hard,</p> + + <p class="i2">To know thee nothing but a name.</p> + + <p>For this is surely torment worse</p> + + <p class="i2">Than DANTE heaped upon his + dead;—</p> + + <p>To find thee quite beyond my purse,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so go oysterless to bed.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>À PROPOS</i> OF THE SECRETARY FOR WAR'S ROSEATE + AFTER—DINNER SPEECH (<i>on the entirely satisfactory + state of the Army generally</i>).—(STAN-)"HOPE told a + flattering tale."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNIVERSITY MEM.—The Dean of Christ Church will keep + his seat till Christmas, and just a LIDDELL longer.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" + id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE RAVEN.</h2> + + <center> + (<i>Very Latest War-Office Version. See Mr. Stanhope's + After-Dinner Speech at the Holborn Restaurant (Oct. + 17), and Letter in "Times" (Oct. 21) on "Pangloss at + the War Office."</i>) + </center><a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/206.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Secretarial Pangloss sings:</i>—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Late, upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, + tired but cheery,</p> + + <p>Over many an optimistic record of War Office + lore;</p> + + <p>Whilst I worked, assorting, mapping, suddenly there + came a tapping,</p> + + <p>As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my + Office-door.</p> + + <p>"Some late messenger," I muttered, "tapping at my + Office-door—</p> + + <p class="i10">Only this, but it's a bore."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember—being sober—it was in the + chill October,</p> + + <p>Light from the electric globe or horseshoe lighted + wall and floor;</p> + + <p>Also that it was the morrow of the Holborn Banquet; + sorrow</p> + + <p>From the Blue Books croakers borrow—sorrow for + the days of yore,</p> + + <p>For the days when "<i>Rule Britannia</i>" sounded + far o'er sea and shore.</p> + + <p class="i10">Ah! it <i>must</i> have been a bore!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But on that let's draw the curtain. I am simply + cock-sure—certain</p> + + <p>That "our splendid little Army" never was so fine + before.</p> + + <p>It will take a lot of beating! Such remarks I keep + repeating;</p> + + <p>They come handy—after eating, and are always + sure to score—</p> + + <p>Dash that rapping chap entreating entrance at my + Office-door!</p> + + <p class="i10">It is an infernal + bore!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" + id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Presently I grew more placid (Optimists should not + be acid.)</p> + + <p>"Come in!" I exclaimed—"con<i>found</i> you! + Pray stand drumming there no more."</p> + + <p>But the donkey still kept tapping. "Dolt!" I + muttered, sharply snapping,</p> + + <p>"Why the deuce do you come rapping, rapping at my + Office-door?</p> + + <p>Yet not 'enter' when you're told to?"—here I + opened wide the door—</p> + + <p class="i10">Darkness there, and nothing more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Open next I flung the shutter, when, with a + prodigious flutter,</p> + + <p>In there stepped a bumptious Raven, black as any + blackamoor.</p> + + <p>Not the least obeisance made he, not a moment + stopped or stayed he,</p> + + <p>But with scornful look, though shady, perched above + my Office-door,</p> + + <p>Perched upon BRITANNIA's bust that stood above my + Office-door—</p> + + <p class="i10">Perched, and sat, and seemed to + snore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well," I said, sardonic smiling, "this is really + rather riling;</p> + + <p>"It comports not with decorum such as the War Office + bore</p> + + <p>In old days stiff and clean-shaven. Dub me a + Gladstonian craven</p> + + <p>If I ever saw a Raven at the W.O. before.</p> + + <p>Tell me what your blessed name is. '<i>Rule + Britannia</i>' held of yore,"</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth the bird, "'Tis so no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Much I marvelled this sophistic fowl to utter + pessimistic</p> + + <p>Fustian, which so little meaning—little + relevancy bore</p> + + <p>To the rule of me and SOLLY; but, although it may + sound folly,</p> + + <p>This strange fowl a strange resemblance to "Our Only + General" wore,</p> + + <p>To the W-LS-L-Y whose pretensions to sound military + lore</p> + + <p class="i10">Are becoming quite a bore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the Raven, sitting lonely on that much-peeled + bust, spake only</p> + + <p>Of our Army as a makeshift, small, ill-manned, and + precious poor.</p> + + <p>Drat the pessimistic bird!—he grumbled of "the + hurdy-gurdy</p> + + <p>Marching-past side of a soldier's life in peace." + "We've fought before,</p> + + <p>Winning battles with boy-troops," I cried, "We'll do + as we before—"</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Nonsense!" said I. "After dinner at the Holborn, as + a winner</p> + + <p>Spake I in the <i>Pangloss</i> spirit to the + taxpayers, (<i>Don't</i> snore!)</p> + + <p>Told them our recruits—who'll master e'en + unmerciful disaster,</p> + + <p>Come in fast and come in faster, quite as good as + those of yore,"—</p> + + <p>"Flattering tales of (Stan) Hope!" cried the bird, + whose dismal dirges bore,</p> + + <p class="i10">One dark burden—"Nevermore!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Hang it, Raven, this <i>is</i> riling!" cried I. + "Stop your rude reviling!"</p> + + <p>Then I wheeled my office-chair in front of bird and + bust and door;</p> + + <p>And upon its cushion sinking, "I," I said, "will + smash like winking</p> + + <p>This impeachment you are bringing, O you ominous + bird of yore,</p> + + <p>O you grim, ungainly, ghastly, grumbling, gruesome + feathered bore!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Croaked the Raven, "You I'll floor."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then methought the bird looked denser, and his cheek + became immenser.</p> + + <p>And he twaddled of VON MOLTKE, and his German Army + Corps;</p> + + <p>"Flattering the tax-payers' vanity," and much + similar insanity,</p> + + <p>In a style that lacked urbanity, till the thing + became a bore.</p> + + <p>"Oh, get out of it!" I cried; "our little Army yet + will score."</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Prophet!" said I, "of all evil, that we're 'going + to the devil'</p> + + <p>Has been the old croaker's gospel for a century, and + more.</p> + + <p>Red-gilled Colonels this have chaunted in + BRITTANIA's ears undaunted,</p> + + <p>By their ghosts you must he haunted. Take a + Blue-pill, I implore!</p> + + <p>When our Army meets the foe it's bound to lick him + as of yore!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Prophet!" said I, "that's uncivil. You may go + to—well, the devil!</p> + + <p>That Establishments are 'short,' and 'standards' + lowered o'er and o'er.</p> + + <p>That mere 'weeds,' with chests of maiden, cannot + march with knapsack laden;</p> + + <p>That the heat of sultry Aden, or the cold of + Labrador,</p> + + <p>Such can't stand, <i>may</i> be the truth; but keep + it dark, bird, I implore!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Then excuse me, we'll be parting, doleful fowl," I + cried, upstarting;</p> + + <p>"Get thee back to—the Red River, or the Nile's + sand-cumbered shore!</p> + + <p>Leave no 'Magazine' as token of the twaddle you have + spoken.</p> + + <p>What? BRITANNIA stoney-broken? Quit her bust above + my door.</p> + + <p>Take thy hook from the War Office; take thy beak + from off my door!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the Raven still is sitting, croaking statements + most unfitting,</p> + + <p>On BRITANNIA's much-peeled bust that's placed above + my Office-door,</p> + + <p>And if <i>Pangloss</i>, e'en in seeming, lent an ear + to his dark dreaming,</p> + + <p>Useless were official scheming, grants of millions + by the score,</p> + + <p>For my soul were like the shadow that he casts upon + the floor,</p> + + <p class="i10">Dark and dismal evermore!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/207.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED + DIFFERENTLY.</h3> + + <p><i>Aunt Jane</i>. "THAT MAKES THREE WEDDINGS IN OUR + FAMILY WITHIN A TWELVEMONTH! IT WILL BE <i>YOUR</i> TURN + NEXT, MATILDA!"</p> + + <p><i>Matilda</i>. "OH, NO!"</p> + + <p><i>Aunt Jane</i>. "WELL, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY THINGS + HAPPEN SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>TUPPER'S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY UP TO DATE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The range of our inquiry was intended to include the + whole migratory range for seals.... Our movements were kept + most secret."—<i>Sir George Baden-Powell on the Work + of the Behring Sea Commission</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We came, we saw, we—held our tongues + (myself—BADEN-POWELL—and Mr. DAWSON.)</p> + + <p>We popped on each seal-island "unbeknownst," and + what we discovered we held our jaws on.</p> + + <p>We'd five hundred interviews within three months, + which I think "cuts the record" in interviewing,</p> + + <p>Corresponded with 'Frisco, Japan, and Russia; so I + hope you'll allow we've been "up and doing."</p> + + <p>(Not up and <i>saying</i>, be't well understood). As + TUPPER (the Honourable C.H., Minister</p> + + <p>Of Fisheries) said, in the style of his namesake, + "The fool imagines all Silence is sinister,</p> + + <p>"But the wise man knows that it's often dexterous." + Be sure no inquisitive shyness or bounce'll</p> + + <p>Make us "too previous" with our Report, which goes + first to the QUEEN and the Privy Council.</p> + + <p>Some bigwig's motto is, "Say and Seal," but as + TUPPER remarked a forefinger laying</p> + + <p>To the dexter side of a fine proboscis, "Our motto + at present is, Seal <i>without</i> saying!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>LEGAL QUERY.—The oldest of the thirteen Judges on the + Scotch Bench is YOUNG. Any chance for a Junior after this?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" + id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>In front of the Hôtel Bodenhaus at + Splügen. The Diligence for Bellinzona is having its team + attached. An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk, + trying to run through the last hundred pages of a novel + from the Hotel Library before her departure.</i> PODBURY + <i>is in the Hotel, negotiating for sandwiches.</i> + CULCHARD <i>is practising his Italian upon a very dingy + gentleman in smoked spectacles, with a shawl round his + throat.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Dingy Italian</i> (<i>suddenly discovering + CULCHARD's nationality</i>). Ecco, siete Inglese! Lat us + spika Ingelis, I onnerstan' 'im to ze bottom-side. + (<i>Laboriously, to</i> CULCHARD, <i>who tries to conceal + his chagrin.</i>) 'Ow menni time you employ to go since + Coire at here? (C. <i>nods with vague encouragement</i>.) + Vich manners of vezzer you vere possess troo your + travels—mosh ommerella? (C.'s <i>eyes grow + vacant</i>.) Ha, I <i>tink</i> it vood! Zis day ze vicket + root sall 'ave plenti 'orse to pull, &c., &c. + (<i>Here</i> PODBURY <i>comes up, and puts some rugs + the</i> coupé <i>of the diligence.</i>) You sit at ze + beginning-end, hey? better, you tink, zan ze mizzle? I too, + zen, sall ride at ze front—we vill spika Ingelis, + altro!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>overhearing this, with horror</i>). One + minute, CULCHARD. (<i>He draws him aside.</i>) I say, for + goodness' sake, don't let's have that old organ-grinding + Johnny in the <i>coupé</i> with <i>us</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Organ-grinder! you are so <i>very</i> + insular! For anything you can tell, he may be a decayed + nobleman.</p> + + <p><i>Pod.</i> (<i>coarsely</i>). Well, let him decay + somewhere else, that's all! Just tell the Conductor to + shove him in the <i>intérieur</i>, do, while I nip in the + <i>coupé</i> and keep our places.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/208.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/208.png" + alt="'An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk.'" /> + </a>"An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk." + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD, <i>on reflection, adopts this suggestion, and + the</i> Italian Gentleman, <i>after fluttering feebly about + the</i> coupé <i>door, is unceremoniously bundled by + the</i> Conductor <i>into the hinder part of the + diligence.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>In the Bernardino Pass, during the Ascent.</i></h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Culch.</i> Glorious view one gets at each fresh turn + of the road, PODBURY! Look at Hinter-rhein, far down below + there, like a toy village, and that vast desolate valley, + with the grey river rushing through it, and the green + glacier at the end, and these awful snow-covered peaks all + round—<i>look</i>, man!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I'm looking, old chap. It's all there, + right enough!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>vexed</i>). It doesn't seem to be + making any particular impression on you, I must say!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> It's making me deuced peckish, I know + that—how about lunch, eh!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>pained</i>). We are going through + scenery like this, and all you think of is—lunch! + (PODBURY <i>opens a basket.</i>) You may give me one of + those sandwiches. What made you get <i>veal</i>? and the + bread's all crust, too! Thanks, I'll take some claret.... + (<i>They lunch; the vehicle meanwhile toils up to the head + of the Pass.</i>) Dear me, we're at the top already! These + rocks shut out the valley altogether—much colder at + this height, eh? Don't you find this keen air most + exhilarating?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>shivering</i>). Oh very, do you mind + putting your window up? Thanks. You seem uncommon chirpy + to-day. Beginning to get <i>over</i> it, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> We shan't get over it for some hours + yet.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I didn't mean the Pass, I + meant—(<i>hesitating</i>)—well, your little + affair with Miss PRENDERGAST, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> My little affair? Get over? (<i>He + suddenly understands.</i>) Oh, ah, to be sure. Yes, thank + you, my dear fellow, it is not making me + <i>particularly</i> unhappy. [<i>He goes into a fit of + silent laughter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Glad to hear it. (<i>To himself</i>.) + 'Jove, if he only knew what <i>I</i> know! [<i>He + chuckles.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You don't appear to be exactly + heartbroken?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I? why <i>should</i> I be—about + <i>what</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with an affectation of reserve</i>). + Exactly, I was forgetting. (<i>To himself</i>.) It's really + rather humorous. (<i>He laughs again.</i>) Ha, we're + beginning to go down now. Hey for Italy—la bella + Italia! (<i>The diligence takes the first curve.</i>) Good + Heavens, what a turn! We're going at rather a sharp pace + for downhill, eh? I suppose these Swiss drivers know what + they're about, though.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, yes, generally—when they're not + drunk. I can only see this fellow's boots—but they + look to me a trifle squiffy.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>inspecting them, anxiously</i>). He + does seem to drive very recklessly. <i>Look</i> at those + leaders—heading right for the precipice.... Ah, just + saved it! How we do lurch in swinging round!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Topheavy—I expect, too much luggage + on board—have another sandwich?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Not for me, thanks. I say, I wonder if + it's safe, having no parapet, only these stone posts, + eh?</p> + + <p><i>Pod.</i> Safe enough—unless the wheel catches + one—it was as near as a toucher just + then—aren't you going to smoke? No? <i>I</i> am. By + the way, what were you so amused about just now, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> <i>Was</i> I amused? (<i>The vehicle gives + another tremendous lurch.</i>) Really, this is <i>too</i> + horrible!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with secret enjoyment</i>). We're right + enough, if the horses don't happen to stumble. That + off-leader isn't over sure-footed—did you see + <i>that</i>? (<i>Culch. shudders.</i>) But what's the joke + about Miss PRENDERGAST?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>irritably</i>). Oh, for Heaven's sake, + don't bother about that <i>now</i>. I've something else to + think about. My goodness, we were nearly over that time! + What are you looking at?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>who has been leaning forward</i>). Only + one of the traces—they've done it up with a penny + ball of string, but I daresay it will stand the strain. You + aren't <i>half</i> enjoying the view, old fellow.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Yes, I am. + Magnificent!—glorious!—isn't it?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Find you see it better with your eyes shut? + But I say, I wish you'd explain what you were sniggering + at.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Take my advice, and don't press me, my + dear fellow; you may regret it if you do!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I'll risk it. It must be a devilish funny + joke to tickle you like that. Come, out with it!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Well, if you must know, I was laughing.... + Oh, he'll <i>never</i> get those horses round in.... I + was—er—rather amused by your evident assumption + that I must have been <i>rejected</i> by Miss + PRENDERGAST.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, was <i>that</i> it? And you're nothing + of the kind, eh? [<i>He chuckles again.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). No doubt you will + find it very singular; but, as a matter of fact, + she—well, she most certainly did not + <i>discourage</i> my pretensions.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> The deuce she didn't! Did she tell you + RUSKIN's ideas about courtship being a probation, and ask + you if you were ready to be under vow for her, by any + chance?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> This is too bad, PODBURY; you must have + been there, or you couldn't possibly know!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Much obliged, I'm sure. I don't listen + behind doors, as a general thing. I suppose, now, she set + you a trial of some kind, to prove your mettle, eh? + [<i>With another chuckle.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>furiously</i>). Take care—or I + may tell you more than you bargain for!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Go on—never mind <i>me</i>. Bless + you, <i>I'm</i> under vow for her, too, my dear boy. + Fact!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> That's impossible, and I can prove it. The + service she demanded was, that I should leave Constance at + once—with you. Do you understand—with + <i>you</i>, PODBURY!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with a prolonged whistle</i>). My + aunt!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>severely</i>). You may invoke every + female relative you possess in the world, but it won't + alter the fact, and that alone ought to convince + you—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Hold on a bit. Wait till you've heard + <i>my</i> penance. She told me to cart <i>you</i> off, + <i>Now</i>, then!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>faintly</i>). If I thought she'd been + trifling with us both like that, I'd never—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> She's no end of a clever girl, you know. + And, after all, she may only have wanted time to make up + her mind.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>violently</i>). I tell you <i>what</i> + she is—she's a cold-blooded pedantic prig, and a + systematic flirt! I loathe and detest a prig, but a flirt I + despise—yes, <i>despise</i>, PODBURY!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with only apparent irrelevance</i>). + The same to you, and many of 'em, old chap! Hullo, we're + going to stop at this inn. Let's get out and stretch our + legs and have some coffee.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They do; on returning, they find the</i> Italian + Gentleman <i>smiling blandly at them from inside the</i> + coupé.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The It. G.</i> Goodaby, dear frens, a riverderla! I + success at your chairs. I vish you a pleasure's delay!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> But I say, look here, Sir, we're going on, + and you've got our place!</p> + + <p><i>The It. G.</i> Sank you verri moch. I 'ope so. [<i>He + blows</i> PODBURY <i>a + kiss.</i></p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" + id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with intense disgust</i>). How on earth + are we going to get that beggar out? Set the Conductor at + him, CULCHARD, do—you can talk the lingo best!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who has had enough of</i> PODBURY + <i>for the present</i>). Talk to him yourself, my dear + fellow, <i>I</i>'m not going to make a row. [<i>He gets + in.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>to</i> Conductor). Hi! sprechen sie + Französisch, oder was? <i>il-y-a quelque chose dans mon + siège, dites-lui de</i>—what the deuce is the French + for "clear out"?</p> + + <p><i>Cond.</i> <i>Montez, Monsieur, nous bartons, montez + vîte alors!</i></p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He thrusts</i> PODBURY, <i>protesting vainly, into + the intérieur, with two peasants, a priest and the elderly + Englishwoman. The diligence starts again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT THE ITALIAN OPERA.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/209-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-1.png" + alt="Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!!" /> + </a>Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!! + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/209-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-2.png" + alt="Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,—a shrewd guess at what really happens." /> + </a>Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,—a shrewd guess at + what really happens. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday, October 20th</i>.—Opening night. <i>Roméo + et Juliette; débuts</i> of Mlle. SIMMONET, of the Opera + Comique, and M. COSSIRA, as the lovers. <i>Lady Capulet's</i> + Small Dance, quite the smartest of the season, as the Veronese + nobility present were evidently remarking, with abundance of + easy gesture, to one another, as they led the way to the + lemonade. The <i>Juliette</i> of the evening charming, and soon + singing herself into the good graces of a large audience; + ditto, M. COSSIRA, "than which," as the Prophet NICHOLAS would + say, "a more competent <i>Roméo</i>—though perhaps a + trifle full in the waist for balcony-scaling by moonlight." If + he had really trusted himself to that gossamer ladder in the + Fourth Act, he would never have got away to Mantua, especially + as <i>Juliette</i>, with the thoughtlessness of her age and + sex, omitted to secure it in any way. Fortunately it was not a + long drop, and the descent was accomplished without accident, + as will be seen from the accompanying sketch.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHANGE FOR A TENOR.—Mr. SEYMOUR HADEN, the opponent of + the Cremation gospel according to THOMPSON (Sir HENRY of that + ilk), should come to an arrangement with the English Light + Opera tenor, and tack COFFIN on to his name.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From Mr. Punch's Own Rumourists.</i>)</h4> + + <p>It may be interesting at this time of the year to mention + the fact that Lord SALISBURY always uses a poker in cracking + walnuts. He says it saves the silver. The other day, whilst + wielding the poker across the walnuts and the wine, Mr. + GLADSTONE chanced to look in. The Premier, with his well-known + hospitality, immediately furnished the Right Hon. Gentleman + with another poker (brought in from the drawing-room), and + ordered up a fresh supply of nuts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/209-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Mr. GLADSTONE, recurring in private conversation to a recent + visit paid by him to Lord SALISBURY in Arlington Street, + questioned the convenience of a poker as an instrument for + shattering the shell of the walnut. For himself, he says, he + has always found a pair of tongs more convenient.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Marquis of HARTINGTON, to whom this remark was reported, + observed that as a dissentient Liberal he naturally differed + from Mr. GLADSTONE, and was not to the fullest extent able to + agree with his noble friend, the Marquis of SALISBURY. For his + own part, he found the most convenient way of cracking a walnut + was deftly to place the article in the interstice of the + dining-room door, and gently close it. He found this plan + combined with its original purpose a gentle exercise on the + part of the guests highly conducive to digestion.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two hours later, the Leader of the Opposition was seen + walking up Arlington Street, and on reaching Piccadilly, he + hailed an omnibus, observing the precaution before entering of + requiring the conductor to produce the scale of charges. "No + pirate busses for <i>me</i>," the Right Hon. Member remarked, + as (omitting the oath) he took his seat.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is no secret in official circles that before the vacancy + in the office of Postmaster-General was filled, it was placed + at the disposal of the BARON BE BOOK-WORMS. Upon Sir JAMES + FERGUSSON stepping in, the PRIME MINISTER was urgently desirous + to have the collaboration of the noble BARON at the Foreign + Office. But, somehow, the post of Under-Secretary vacated by + Sir JAMES was assigned to Mr. WILLIAM JAMES LOWTHER.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are authorised to state that His Imperial Majesty the + Emperor of GERMANY, feeling the need of a little change, has + resolved to stay at home for a fortnight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are in a position to state that just prior to the General + Election of 1880, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was observed standing before + a cheval glass, alternatively fixing his eyeglass in the right + eye and in the left. Asked why he should thus quaintly occupy + his leisure moments, he replied: "It is in view of the General + Election. If on the platform any person in the crowd poses you + with an awkward question, should you be able rapidly to + transfer your eyeglass from your right eye to your left, and + fix the obtruder with a stony stare, he is so much engaged in + wondering whether you can keep the glass in position, that he + forgets what he asked you, and you can pass on to less + dangerous topics."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When Mr. SCHOMBERG McDONNELL informed his chief that Lord + RANDOLPH CHURCHILL had "come upon eight lions," Lord SALISBURY + sighed and remained for a moment in deep thought. Then he said, + "How different had the eight lions come upon him!"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. GLADSTONE has backed himself to walk a mile, talk a + mile, write a mile, review a mile, disestablish a mile, chop a + mile and hop a mile in one hour. Sporting circles are much + interested in the veteran statesman's undertaking, and little + else is talked about at the chief West End resorts. The general + opinion of those who ought to know seems to be in favour of the + scythe-bearer, but not a few have invested a pound or two on + the Mid-Lothian Marvel.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" + id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/210.png" + alt="TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS." /></a> + + <h3>TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS.</h3> + + <p>"<i>WHAT</i>, MY DEAR REGINALD! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY + YOU DON'T ADMIRE BYRON AS A POET?"</p> + + <p>"CERTAINLY NOT. INDEED I HAVE A QUITE SPECIAL LOATHING + AND CONTEMPT FOR HIM IN THAT PARTICULAR CHARACTAH!"</p> + + <p>"DEAR ME! WHY, WHAT PARTICULAR POEMS OF HIS DO YOU + OBJECT TO SO STRONGLY?"</p> + + <p>"MY DEAH GRANDMOTHAH, I NEVAH READ A LINE OF BYRON IN MY + LIFE,—AND I CERTAINLY NEVAH MEAN TO!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TRYING IT ON.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The natural result of a <i>rapprochement</i> between + Russia and Italy, even if avowedly platonic in its + character, would be to weaken the prestige and moral force + of the Triple Alliance."—<i>The Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + <i>Mr. Bruin loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Pst!</i> Hang it, quite <i>au mieux!</i> Now what + am I to do?</p> + + <p class="i2">I must draw her attention, if I'm going + to have a chance.</p> + + <p>She seems so satisfied with those gallants at her + side</p> + + <p class="i2">That just now in my direction she will + hardly deign a glance.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Darling, just a word!</p> + + <p>No! Deaf as any post! It is perfectly absurd!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Pst!</i> Heeds me not the least, just as though I + were the Beast,</p> + + <p class="i2">And she the sovereign Beauty that she + deems she is, no doubt.</p> + + <p>Since she won those burly <i>beaux</i>, it appears + to be no go,</p> + + <p class="i2">But Bruin's an old Masher, and he knows + what he's about.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Darling, look this way!</p> + + <p>In your pretty little ear I've a word or two to + say!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The coy Gallic girl I've won. It is really awful + fun,</p> + + <p class="i2">For <i>her</i> prejudice was strong as + was that of Lady ANNE</p> + + <p>To the ugly crookback, DICK. But my wooing there was + quick.</p> + + <p class="i2">Platonic? Oh! of course. That is always + Bruin's plan.</p> + + <p class="i4">A flirtation means no harm,</p> + + <p>When you wish not to corrupt or betray, but simply + charm.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fancy Italian girl won by the swagger twirl</p> + + <p class="i2">Of an Austrian moustache! It is + monstrous, nothing less.</p> + + <p>What <i>would</i> GARIBALDI say? Well, he doesn't + live to-day,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or he'd tear her from the arm of her + ancient foe, I guess.</p> + + <p class="i4">And that stalwart Teuton too!</p> + + <p>Do you really think, my girl, he can really care for + <i>you</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! you always were a flirt, Miss ITALIA. You have + hurt</p> + + <p class="i2">France's feelings very much. Why, she + stood your faithful friend</p> + + <p>When the hated Austrian yoke bowed your neck. Did + you invoke</p> + + <p class="i2">The pompous Prussian then your captivity + to end?</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Just a moment, dear.</p> + + <p>I've a word or two to say it were worth your while + to hear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! A hasty glance she throws o'er her shoulder. But + for those</p> + + <p class="i2">Big, blonde, burly bullies twain, I could + win her, I am sure;</p> + + <p>For my manners all girls praise, and I have such + winning ways,</p> + + <p class="i2">And my lips, for kisses made, are for + love a lasting lure.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> How those two stride on,</p> + + <p>Without a glance at me! Do they think the game is + won?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hrumph! The Bear, although polite, is as + pertinacious, quite,</p> + + <p class="i2">As the tactless Teuton pig. I'll yet + spoil their little game.</p> + + <p>Triple Alliance? Fudge! If that girl is a good + judge,</p> + + <p class="i2">She will make a third with Me and my + latest Gallic "flame."</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Come along with me,</p> + + <p>My dark Italian <i>belle</i>! We shall make a lovely + Three!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">[<i>Left making signs.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>ACCI-DENTAL QUERY.—Let me ask the <i>Patres + Conscripti</i> of our Academy Royal, why Dentists are not + admitted A.R.A. <i>ex officio</i>. We have all for ever so + long, since the memory of the oldest JOE MILLER, which runneth + not to the contrary, known that Dentists drew teeth. But they + nowadays add to their accomplishments by painting gums. The + other day a friend of ours had a gum beautifully painted by a + Dentist-artist in a certain Welbeck Street studio. It was a + wonderful gathering; our friend in the chair.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Old Joe and the New.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To the humorous mind of a cynical cast,</p> + + <p class="i2">Party change many matters for mirth + affords;</p> + + <p>But of all the big jokes, we've the biggest at + last,</p> + + <p class="i2">In CHAMBERLAIN's backing the House of + Lords!</p> + + <p>They toil not, nor spin? That's a very old jeer!</p> + + <p><i>Won't</i> the Lilies take back seats when JOE is + a Peer?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" + id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/211.png" + alt="TRYING IT ON!" /></a> + + <h3>TRYING IT ON!</h3>RUSSIA. "SS—S—T! + (<i>Whispers.</i>) I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU, MY DEAR!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" + id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/213-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-1.png" + alt="'LISTEN TO MY TALE OF WOA!'" /></a> + + <h3>"LISTEN TO MY TALE OF WOA!"</h3>(<i>Not much Gaiety + about it.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY LORD ADDINGTON.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Lord ADDINGTON, speaking recently at a Harvest + Festival, said, "If he were a labourer, and saw a rabbit + nibbling his cabbages, he would go for that rabbit with the + first thing at hand." (<i>Enthusiastic + cheers.</i>)—<i>Daily News</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/213-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lord ADDINGTON, most wonderful</p> + + <p class="i2">Of people-pleasing peers,</p> + + <p>You certainly contrived to raise</p> + + <p class="i2">"Enthusiastic cheers."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The villagers come flocking in</p> + + <p class="i2">From all the country through,</p> + + <p>To hear Your Lordship speak his mind</p> + + <p class="i2">And tell them what to do.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You did it well, you told them how</p> + + <p class="i2">You'd have them understand</p> + + <p>A lucky chance has made you own</p> + + <p class="i2">A quantity of land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though very fond of shooting, yet</p> + + <p class="i2">Your love of shooting stops</p> + + <p>At letting rabbits have their way</p> + + <p class="i2">At decimating crops.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so, if you a labourer were,</p> + + <p class="i2">(The which of course you're not),</p> + + <p>And saw a rabbit in your ground</p> + + <p class="i2">A-nibbling—on the spot</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You'd go for him with spade or fork,</p> + + <p class="i2">At which, so it appears,</p> + + <p>There rang throughout the crowded room</p> + + <p class="i2">"Enthusiastic cheers."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Peer's advice is always good,</p> + + <p class="i2">So doubtless they will grab + it,—</p> + + <p><i>But</i> no one will be happier than</p> + + <p class="i2">The cabbage-nibbling rabbit!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A LITTLE STRANGER.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["At the meeting of the Bermondsey Vestry, the Medical + Officer reported that water drawn from the service-pipe of + a house in the Jamaica Road, had been submitted to him. The + water was clear, but it contained a live + horse-leech."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, into our domestic pipes</p> + + <p class="i2">They crawl and creep by stealth,</p> + + <p>The gruesome creatures known unto</p> + + <p class="i2">An Officer of Health!</p> + + <p>Harken to him of Bermondsey,</p> + + <p class="i2">Think what his murmurings teach,</p> + + <p>"The water seemed quite limpid, + <i>but</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">It did contain a Leech!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The service-pipe was sound and good</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Jamaica Road;</p> + + <p>The cistern there had harboured ne'er</p> + + <p class="i2">Microbe, or newt, or toad;</p> + + <p>No clearer water softly laved</p> + + <p class="i2">A coral island beach;</p> + + <p>So thought the householder, until—</p> + + <p class="i2">He found that awful Leech!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Perchance he was a temperance foe</p> + + <p class="i2">To alcoholic drink,</p> + + <p>And from all dalliance with Bung</p> + + <p class="i2">Did scrupulously shrink.</p> + + <p>Yet now to forms of fluid sin</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll cotton, all and each;</p> + + <p>He does not like such liquors, <i>but</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">Prefers them to a Leech!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our pipes will not be pipes of peace</p> + + <p class="i2">If such things hap, I trow;</p> + + <p>And as for Water Trusts, 'tis hard</p> + + <p class="i2">To trust in water now.</p> + + <p>Oh, Co. of Southwark and Vauxhall,</p> + + <p class="i2">We ratepayers beseech,</p> + + <p>Double your filtering charges, <i>but</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">Remove the loathly Leech!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/213-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>There is a judicial review of GEORGE MEREDITH's work in the + <i>Quarterly</i> for October—masterly, too, quoth the + Baron, as striking a balance between effect and defect, and + finding so much to be duly said in high praise of the diffuse + and picturesquely-circumnavigating Novelist through whose + labyrinthine pages the simple Baron finds it hard to thread his + way, and yet keep the clue. When the unskippingly conscientious + peruser of GEORGE M.'s novels is most desirous that the author + shall go ahead, GEORGE, like an Irish cardriver, will stop to + "discoorse us," and at such length, and so diffusely, and with + such a wealth of eccentric word-coming and grammar-dodging, + that at last the Baron gasps, choked by the rolling billows of + sonorously booming or boomingly sonorous words, battles with + the waves, ducks, and comes up again breathlessly, wondering + where he may be, and what it was all about. "Story! God bless + you, I haven't much to tell, Sir!" says the luxuriantly + fanciful novel-grinder. And he hasn't much, it must be owned, + for essenced it would go into half a volume, or less, and all + over and above is pot-fuls of rich colour, spilt about almost + at haphazard, permutations and combinations, giving the effect + of genius. Which—genius it is; but a little of it goes a + great way, in fact, a very great way, wandering and straying + until at length the Baron calls for his <i>Richard Feverel</i>, + and says, "This is the best that GEORGE MEREDITH has written, + as sure as my name is</p> + + <p class="author">"THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Bard v. Bard.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a poor Poet named CLOUGH,</p> + + <p>Poet SWINBURNE declares he wrote stuff.</p> + + <p class="i4">Ah, well, <i>he</i> is dead!</p> + + <p class="i4">'Tis the living are fed,</p> + + <p>By log-rollers, on butter and puff.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A SUGGESTION.—In a new poetical play at the Opera + Comique there is a good deal of hide-and-seek. It might have + had a second title, and been appropriately called <i>The + Queen's Room; or, Secret Passages in the Life of Mary + Stuart</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" + id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/214.png" + alt="STREET IMPROVEMENTS." /></a> + + <h3>STREET IMPROVEMENTS.</h3> + + <p>["If we really used the Thames Embankment sensibly and + liberally, it would abound with handsome shops and cheerful + cafés a and volksgartens, with newspaper kiosks and long + lines of bookstalls."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>, Oct. + 21.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" + id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span> + + <h3>BLENDIMUS!</h3> + + <p>"Water, water everywhere" in the <i>Times</i> recently, + except when Messrs. GILBEY wrote their annual, and this time + hopeful, account of the Claret vintage, and when subsequently + Messrs. "P. and G."—(who on earth are "P. and + G."?)—with a few modest lines at the foot of a page, last + Wednesday, enlivened our drooping spirits with a brief but + satisfactory account of Champagne Prospects. If the vintages of + '86 and '87 are good, and those of '90 and '91 poor, why not + make a blend? and why not sell it as such? Let "P. and + G."—[confound it! who on earth can P. and G. be? "P. and + J." would be "Punch and Judy"—and, by the way, in the + choice <i>Lingua Tuscana</i>, "P. and G." would stand for + "<i>Poncio è Giulia</i>." But, on the other hand, who, + unauthorised, would dare to use this signature? No + matter—where were we?—ah!—to resume.] Let "P. + and G.," whoe'er they be—which is rhyme, though not so + intended—(but why this masquerade in initials?)—let + them exploit a "Blend of '90-cum-'86 and '91-cum-'87," sell it + as such—viz., The "P. and G. Blend," or "The Punchius and + Giulia Blend"—at a reasonable figure, and thus the + Not-quite-up-to-the-mark vintages will be saved. Have we not + seen in City partnerships how a strong house saves a failing + one, and then the Blends go on successfully? Let "P. and G." + give us a first-rate Champagne, call it, say, The "G.B.," or + "Golden Blend," at a reasonable price, and, to drop once again + into poetry, No matter what their name may be, We'll ever bless + our P. and G.!<a id="footnotetag2" + name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote2" + name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a> + + <p>"P. and G." might stand for "Pay-for-it and Get-it," or + "Pour-it and Guzzle-it." A Correspondent has suggested that + solution of the initial problem might possibly be found in + the names of Pommery and Gre'—No! So common-place a + suggestion is evidently, and on the face of it, absurd. Not + in this spirit did the Pickwick Club treat the celebrated + inscription on the stone that so puzzled the + antiquarians.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/215.png" + alt="SPORT!" /></a> + + <h3>SPORT!</h3> + + <p><i>Cockney Sportsman</i> (<i>eager, but + disappointed</i>). "I SAY, MY BOY, SEEN ANY BIRDS THIS + WAY?"</p> + + <p>'<i>Cute Rustic (likewise anxious to make a bag).</i> + "OH, A RARE LOT, GUV'NOR—A RARE LOT—JUST FLEW + OVER THIS 'ERE 'EDGE, AND SETTLED IN THAT 'ERE FIELD, CLOSE + TO SQUIRE BLANK'S RICKS."</p> + + <p>[<i>Grateful Cockney Sportsman tips boy a shilling, and + goes hopefully after ... a flock of Starlings!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CAUGHT BY THE CLASSICS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>The Record of a Ruined Life.</i>)</h4> + + <p>AUGUSTUS SPARKLER was an exceptionally brilliant man. At + school he had done marvellously well, and if he did not + distinguish himself at either of the Universities, it was less + his fault than his misfortune. When he entered the world, after + casting off parental control, he took up Medicine. He was a + great success. He rose by leaps and bounds, until at length it + was thought highly probable that he would be elected President + of the Royal College of Physicians. He was sounded upon the + subject, and a question was put to him.</p> + + <p>"No," he replied, sorrowfully, and then the courteous + Secretary informed him, with tears in his voice, that he feared + he was disqualified.</p> + + <p>"Well, I will enter the Navy."</p> + + <p>He did. He passed through the <i>Britannia</i>, and rose by + leaps and bounds, until it was considered desirable to revive + the post of Lord High Admiral for his acceptance. But before + this was done, he was sounded upon the subject, and asked a + question.</p> + + <p>"No," he again answered, regretfully.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid then, that the scheme must be abandoned," + returned the First Civil Lord (he had been chosen as more + polite than his sea colleagues), and he was almost moved to + tears in his sadness.</p> + + <p>"I will enter the Army," cried AUGUSTUS, with + determination.</p> + + <p>And he did. He rose from the ranks in less than no time to + become a Field Marshal. It was then that a certain Illustrious + Personage asked him if he would like to become + Commander-in-Chief.</p> + + <p>"It is not impossible I might resign in your favour," said + the I.P. And then he asked him the necessary question.</p> + + <p>"No, Sir," returned AUGUSTUS, bowing down his head in shame. + Again he found that his career was interrupted.</p> + + <p>"I will try the Bar," he shouted.</p> + + <p>And he did. He entered at Gray's Inn, and in a very short + time became a Q.C., a Judge, and a Lord Justice. Then the + entire Ministry begged him, as a personal favour, to accept the + post of Lord Chancellor.</p> + + <p>"With pleasure," was his modest rejoinder. Then he + remembered that he had been asked a certain question on + previous occasions, and explained matters.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid you won't do," cried the entire Ministry, + mournfully.</p> + + <p>"Well, then, I will try the Church."</p> + + <p>And he tried the Church. He became an eminent divine. Every + one spoke well of him; and when, in due course, the Primacy of + all England was vacant, he was asked to accept it. Again he + explained matters.</p> + + <p>"No!" shouted all the Deans and Chapters.</p> + + <p>"You can't mean it!" cried the entire body of + Archdeacons.</p> + + <p>"Well, I never!" exclaimed every other ecclesiastical + authority. But it could not be, and the disappointment was too + much for poor AUGUSTUS, and he died of grief.</p> + + <p>And so they put on the tombstone, that he would have been + President of the Royal College of Physicians, Lord High + Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Lord Chancellor, and Archbishop of + Canterbury, if—<i>he had only learned Greek!</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" + id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. V.—TO GUSH.</h3> + + <p>MY DEAREST DARLING PERSON,</p> + + <p>How sweet and amiable of you to allow a humble being like + myself to write to you. Dropping your own special style (which, + to be perfectly frank with you, I could no more continue + through the whole of this letter than I could dine off treacle + and butter-scotch), I beg to say that I am heartily glad to + have this opportunity of telling you a few things which have + been on my mind for a long time. In what corner of the great + realm of abstractions do you make your home? I imagine you + whiling away the hours on some soft couch of imitation down, + with a little army of sweet but irrelevant smiles ready at all + times to do your bidding. You are refined, I am sure. You + cultivate sympathy as some men cultivate orchids, until it + blooms and luxuriates in the strangest and gaudiest shapes. + Your real face is known of no other abstraction; indeed, you + never see it yourself, so well-fitted and so constant is the + mask through which you waft the endearments which have caused + you to be avoided everywhere. This, I admit, is imagination; + but is it very far from the truth? Perhaps I ask in vain, for + truth is the very last thing that may be expected of you and of + those who do your bidding upon earth. I will not, therefore, + press the question, but proceed at once to business.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/216-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>About a month ago I met your friend, ALGERNON JESSAMY. What + is there about ALGERNON that inspires such distrust? He is very + presentable; some people have gone so far as to call him + absolutely good-looking. He is tall, his figure is good, his + clothes fit him admirably, and are always speckless; his + features are regular, his complexion fresh, and his fair hair, + carefully parted in the middle, lies like a smooth and shining + lid upon his head. I pass over all his remaining advantages, + whether of dress or of nature. It is enough to say that, thus + equipped, and with the additional merits of wealth and a good + position, ALGERNON ought to have found no difficulty in being + one of the most popular men in town. Perhaps he would have been + if he had not tried with such a persistent energy to make + himself "so deuced agreeable." The phrase is not mine, but that + of SAMMY MIGGS, who has a contempt for ALGERNON and his + methods, which he never attempts to conceal.</p> + + <p>"ALGY, my boy," I have heard him say, while the unfortunate + JESSAMY smiled uneasily, and shifted on his seat, "ALGY, my + boy, I've known you too long to give in to any of your + nonsense. All that butter of yours is wasted here, so you'd + better keep it for someone who likes it. Try it on QUISBY," he + continued, indicating the celebrated actor, who was at that + moment frowning furiously over a notice of his latest + performance; "he loves it in firkins, and I'll undertake to say + you'll never get to the bottom of his swallowing capacity. + You'll have to exhaust even your stock, ALGY, my boy; and + that's saying a lot."</p> + + <p>So thoroughly uncomfortable did the suave and gentle + ALGERNON look, that I afterwards ventured to remonstrate mildly + with the gadfly MIGGS.</p> + + <p>"What?" he said, "made him uncomfortable, did I? And a jolly + good job too. Bless you, I know the beggar through and through. + I wasn't at Oxford with him for nothing. Wish I had been. He's + the sort of chap who loses no end of I.O.U.'s at cards one + night, and when he wins piles of ready the next never offers to + redeem them. You let me alone about ALGY. I tell you I know + him. There's no bigger humbug in Christendom with all his soft + sawder and gas about everybody being the dearest and cleverest + fellow he's ever met. Bah!"</p> + + <p>And therewith SAMMY left me, evidently smarting under some + ancient sore inflicted by the apparently angelic ALGERNON.</p> + + <p>However, this little incident was not the one I intended to + narrate. I met ALGY, as I said, about a month ago. It was in + Piccadilly. At first, as I approached, I thought he did not see + me, but suddenly he seemed to become aware of my presence. An + electric thrill of joy ran through him, a smile of heavenly + welcome irradiated his face, he darted towards me with both + hands stretched out and almost fell round my neck before all + the astonished cabmen.</p> + + <p>"My dear, dear fellow," he gasped, apparently struggling + hard with an overpowering emotion, "this is almost too much. To + think that I should meet the one man of all others whom I have + been literally longing to see. Now you simply must walk with me + for a bit. I can't afford to let you go without having a good + talk with you. It always refreshes me so to hear your opinions + of men and things."</p> + + <p>Ignoring my assurance that I had an important appointment to + keep, he linked his arm closely in mine and dragged me with him + in the direction from which I had come. How he pattered and + chattered and flattered. He daubed me over with flattery as I + have seen bill-stickers brush a hoarding over with paste. Never + in my life had I felt so small, so mean and such a perfect + fool, for though I own I have no objection to an occasional + lollipop of praise, I must say I loathe it in lumps the size of + a jelly-fish. Yet such is the fare on which JESSAMY compels me + to subsist. And the annoying part of it was that every lump + which he crammed down my throat contained an inferential + compliment to himself, which I was forced either to accept, or + in declining it to appear a churl. I was never more churlish, + never less satisfied with myself. Amongst other things we spoke + of the affairs of "The Dustheap," a little Club of which we + were both members. JESSAMY opined it was going to the dogs. + "Just look," he said, "at the men they've got on the Committee; + mere nobodies. I've always wondered why you are not on it. Men + like you and me wouldn't make the ridiculous mistakes the + present lot are constantly making. Fancy their electing + MUMPLEY, a regular outsider, without enough manners for a + school-boy. I really don't care about being in the same room + with him." At this very moment, by one of those curious + coincidences which invariably happen, the abused MUMPLEY + himself, a wealthy but otherwise inoffensive stockbroker, hove + in sight. "There comes the brute himself," said JESSAMY; and in + another moment his arms were round MUMPLEY's neck, and he was + protesting, with all the fervour of a heartfelt conviction, + that MUMPLEY was the one man of all others for whom his heart + had been yearning. That being so, I left them together, and + departed to my business.</p> + + <p>Now does JESSAMY imagine that that kind of thing makes him a + favourite? It must be admitted that he is not very artistic in + his methods; and I fancy he must sometimes perceive, if I may + use a homely phrase, that he doesn't go down. But the poor + beggar can't help himself. He is driven by a force which he + finds it impossible to resist into the cruel snares that are + spread for the over-amiable. You, my dear GUSH, are that force, + and to you, therefore, the sugary JESSAMY owes his failure to + win the appreciation which he courts so ardently.</p> + + <p>And now I think I have relieved my mind of a sufficient load + for the time being. If I can remember anything else that might + interest you, you may count upon me to address you again. + Permit me in the meantime to subscribe myself with all proper + curtness,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours. &c.<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"THE PRODIGY SON."</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/216-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216-2.png" + alt="Much put out." /></a>Much put out. + </div> + + <p>Sir,—I have not seen <i>Pamela's Prodigy</i>, but I + have just read the criticism in the <i>Times</i>, which says of + it, "It must be regarded either as a boyish effusion or a sorry + joke." The criticism then points out how it lacks "wit, humour, + literary skill," and apparently is wanting in everything that + goes to make a successful play,—everything that is, + except the actors. Mrs. JOHN WOOD was in it: she is a host in + herself: not only a host, but the Manageress of the theatre + who, with her partner in the business, is responsible for the + selection of pieces. Now granting the critic to be + right—and, on referring to others, I find a + <i>consensus</i> of opinion backing him up—at whose door + lies the responsibility of having deliberately selected a + failure? Under what compulsion could so clever and experienced + an autocrat, sharp as a needle and with the "heye of an 'awk" + in theatrical matters, as Mrs. JOHN WOOD, have made so fatal a + mistake—that is, if the critics are right, and if it be a + mistake? "<i>To err, is human</i>"—and, including even + Mrs. JOHN WOOD, and the critics, we are all human,—"<i>To + forgive, divine</i>"—the critics not being divine could + not forgive; the public apparently, did forgive—and, + will, of course, forget. 'Tis all very well to fall foul of the + unhappy author—whom we will not name—<i>after</i> + the event; but why was the piece ever chosen, and why was not + the discovery of its unfitness made during rehearsal? No! "as + long as the world goes round" these things will happen in the + best regulated theatres, and experience is apparently no sort + of guide in such matters.—Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p class="author">"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume +101, October 31, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15442-h.htm or 15442-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/4/15442/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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