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diff --git a/16263.txt b/16263.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff81fb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/16263.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1554 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, +December 3, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 3, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: July 11, 2005 [EBook #16263] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +December 3, 1892. + + + + +THE MAN WHO WOULD. + +III.--THE MAN WHO WOULD GET ON. + +"I dreamed," said the Scotch Professor, "that I was struggling for +dear life with a monstrous reptile, whose scaly coils wound about my +body, while the extremity of his own was lost in the distance. At last +I managed to shake myself free, and setting my foot on his neck, I +was preparing to cut his throat, when the animal looked up at me with +an appealing expression, and said, 'At least you might give me a +testimonial!'" + +This professional nightmare (for the labours of a Scotch instructor +consist, to a great extent, in writing testimonials, or in evading +requests for them), suggested to one of his audience the history of +SAUNDERS MCGREGOR, the Man who would Get on. In boyhood, SAUNDERS +obtained an exhibition, or bursary, to the University of St. Mungo's. +This success implied no high degree of scholarship, for the benefice +was only open to persons of the surname of MCGREGOR, and the +Christian-name of SAUNDERS. The provident parents of our hero, having +accidentally become aware of this circumstance, had their offspring +christened SAUNDERS, and thus secured, from the very first, an opening +for the young man. + +[Illustration] + +At St. Mungo's, SAUNDERS was mainly notable for a generous view of +life, which enabled him to look on the goods of others as practically +common among Christians. A pipe of his own he somehow possessed, +but tobacco and lights he invariably borrowed, also golf-balls, +postage-stamps, railway fares, books, caps, gowns, and similar +trifles; while his nature was so social, that he invariably dropped in +to supper with one or other of his companions. The accident of being +left alone for a few moments in the study of our Examiner, where +SAUNDERS deftly possessed himself of a set of examination-papers, +enabled him to take his degree with an ease and brilliance which very +considerably astonished his instructors. By adroitly using his good +fortune, SAUNDERS accumulated a pile of most egregious testimonials, +and these he regarded as the mainspring of success in life. He had +early discovered in himself a singular capacity for drawing salaries, +and as he had unbounded conceit and unqualified ignorance, he +conceived himself to be fit for any post in life to which a salary is +attached. He had also really great gifts as a _crampon_, or hanger-on, +and neglected no opportunity, while he made many, of securing useful +acquaintances. Thus it was the custom of his college to elect, +at stated periods, a man of eminence as Rector. SAUNDERS at once +constituted himself secretary of a committee, and, without consulting +his associates, wrote invitations to eminent politicians, poets, +painters, actors, editors, clergymen, and other people much in the +public eye. In these effusions he poured forth the innocent enthusiasm +of his heart, expressing an admiration which might seem excessive to +all but its objects. They, with the guilelessness of mature age and +conscious merit, were touched by SAUNDERS'S expressions of esteem, +which they set down to hero-worship, and a fervent study of Mr. +CARLYLE'S works. Only one of the persons addressed, unluckily, +could be elected; but SAUNDERS added their responses to his pile +of testimonials, and frequently gave them good epistolary reason to +remember his existence and his devotion. + +His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or something, +the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the Society +for the Protection of Aborigines, or Ancient Monuments, or even as +Secretary to the Carlton Club, SAUNDERS felt he could do his talents +justice in any of these positions. If anything was to be had, SAUNDERS +was the boy to ask for it; nay more, to ask other people to ask. +Private Secretaryships to Ministers, or societies, or great Clubs, +are not invariably given to the first applicant who comes along, even +if he appeals to testimonials in the Junior Mathematical Class from +Professor MCGLASHAN of St. Mungo's. But SAUNDERS was not daunted. He +would write to one notable, informing him that his grandmother had +been at a parish school with the notable's great uncle--on which +ground of acquaintanceship he would ask that the notable should +at once get him a post as Secretary of a Geological Society, or as +Inspector of Manufactories, or of Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commission +on the Trade of Knife-grinding. + +Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed out +to him in a railway station, therefore he was emboldened to ask +his correspondent to ask his Publisher, to get at the Editor of +the _Times_, and recommend him, SAUNDERS, as Musical Critic, +or Sub-editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did SAUNDERS neglect +Professorships, and vacant Chairs. His testimonials went in for all +of them. He was equally ready and qualified to be Professor of Greek, +Metaphysics, Etruscan, Chemistry, or the Use of the Globes, while +Biblical criticism and Natural Religion, prompted his wildest +yearnings. Though ignorant of foreign languages, he was prepared to +be a correspondent anywhere, and though he was purely unlearned in all +matters, he proposed to edit Dictionaries and Encyclopaedias, of course +with the assistance of a large and competent staff. His proofs of +capacity for a series of occupations that would have staggered a +CRICHTON, was always attested by his old College testimonials, for +SAUNDERS was of opinion that the courteous _obiter dictum_ of a +Professor was an Open Sesame to all the golden gates of the world. +Meanwhile, he supported existence by teaching the elements of the +classic languages, with which he had the most distant acquaintance, to +little boys, at a Day School. But one of these pupils came home, one +afternoon, in tears, having been beaten on the palms of the hands +with a leathern strap, in addition to the task of writing out the +verb [Greek: tupto]. This punishment was inflicted because, in +accordance with SAUNDERS'S instructions, he had represented the +Cyclops of Euripides as "sweeping the stars with a rake." The +original words of the Athenian poet do not bear this remarkable +construction, so SAUNDERS was dismissed from the only work which he +had ever made even a pretence of doing. He has not the energy, nor +the lungs necessary for the profession of an agitator; he has not +the grammar required in a penny-a-liner, he cannot cut hair, and his +manners unfit him for the occupation of a shop-assistant, so that +little is left open to SAUNDERS but the industry of the Blackmailer. +The office of Secretary to a Missionary in a Leper settlement, on an +island of Tierra Del Fuego, is, however, vacant; and, if the many +important personages with whom SAUNDERS has corresponded will only +make a united effort, it is possible that the Man who would Get +on may at last be got off, and relieve society from the burden of +his solicitations. May the comparative failure in life of SAUNDERS +MCGREGOR act as a warning to those who think that they shall be +heard, by men, for their much asking! + +P.S.--This does not apply to women. We have just been informed that +Mr. SAUNDERS MCGREGOR, M.A., is about to lead to the altar the only +and orphan daughter of the late ALISTER MCFUNGUS, Esq., of Castle +Fungus, Dreepdaily, N.B., the eminent introducer of remarkably +improved processes in the manufacture of Heel-ball. + + * * * * * + +"ONE DOWN, T'OTHER COME ON!"--Mr. HORACE SEDGER has a _Prima Donna_ +supply always on tap. After two of them have retired from the +principal part in _Incognita_, the lively Miss AIDA JENOURE--("'Aid +'em JENOURE,' she ought to be called," quoth Mr. WAGGSTAFF)--comes to +the rescue, and "on we goes again" with an excellent _danseuse_, too, +thoroughly in earnest, as her name implies, which sounds like Miss +Sin-cere and is written Miss ST. CYR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MERE DETAIL. + +_Friend of the Family._ "WEEL, MRS. M'GLASGIE, AND HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER +DOIN', THE ONE THAT WAS MARRIED A WHILE AGO?" + +_Mrs. M'Glasgie._ "OH, VARRA WEEL, THANK YE, MR. BROWN, VARRA WEEL, +INDEED! SHE CANNA ABIDE HER MAN. BUT THEN, YE KEN, THERE'S AYE A +SOMETHING!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD. + +(_MODERN MONETARY VERSION._) + + 'Twas the gallant Golden Knight downed his visor for the fight. + All true champions delight in hard tussles. + With his yellow Standard reared at his back, no foe he feared, + And his gaze all comers queered, + There at Brussels. + + Like _Sir Kenneth_, only more so, he expanded his fine torso. + His Standard--bold he swore so--flying proudly, + Still supreme should flow and flaunt, its defenders none should + daunt. + 'Twas a very valiant vaunt. + Shouted loudly. + + Now the Silver Knight had sworn--that the Standard so long borne + By the Aureate One, in scorn irreducible + Should not solitary wave. He'd squabosh that champion brave, + Or would find a torrid grave-- + In some crucible! + + Such cremation he would dare if that Standard he might bear + To the dust, and upraise there one more Silvery. + For this Argent Knight, though pale, was right sure he could not + fail, + He was proud of his white mail, + And his skill--very! + + So here, Gentles, you behold that brave Knight in mail of Gold, + Sworn his Standard to uphold high and aureate; + And that blusterous battle-bout, twixt those champions stern and + stout, + Will inspire, I have no doubt, + Our next Laureate! + + Yank Knights-Errant may evince interest grave; that Indian Prince + Will alternate swell and wince as they struggle; + The young Scottish Knight BALFOUR (who looks callow more than dour) + Hopes the Silver Knight may score, + By some juggle. + + But in spite of Yank and Scot, and the Bimetallic lot, + They who're fly to what is what, back the Gold 'un. + And did _I_ bet--for fun--ere this Standard fight is done, + I should plank my ten to one + On the Old 'Un! + + * * * * * + +SUN-SPOTS. + + Fog, haze, smoke or cloud, almost daily enshroud + The Metropolis--place we should shun-- + And day after day the reports briefly say, + "Bright sunshine at Westminster--none," + Yes, none! + O Sol, not a ray; no, not one! + + _The Times_ says that lots, quite a fine group of spots, + Are discernible now on the sun; + Have these stopped heat or light, so that weather-wise write, + "Bright sunshine at Westminster--none?" + Yes, none! + O Sol, what have you been and done? + + Have these sun-spots increased? We know London, at least, + Is a spot unconnected with sun; + All day long we burn gas, the report is, alas! + "Bright sunshine at Westminster--none," + Yes, none! + O Sol, you old son of a gun! + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTION. + +_Mount Street, Berkeley Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +I am proud of being the "selection" referred to above, though, as a +matter of fact it was _I_ who "selected" GAY from the numerous sweet +young things submitted for my approval during the Season when I +was considered "_the_ parti"!--but on this point I maintain a noble +silence! In spite of the old Welsh proverb, "Oh, wad some Gay the +giftie gie us," &c. &c., I was a bit puzzled on reading GAY's letters, +at the similarity of names, but thought it only a coincidence, until +she was so upset by the one she read when abroad, that she confessed +everything, and asked my advice!--It's very strange how all these +clever women, when they get into a fix, apply for assistance to weak +"_man_!" eh? Now that flat-racing is over, we are "resting on our +oars" for a time--(that is literally true, for the country has been +mostly under water lately!)--but we shall shortly have a cut-in at +steeplechasing, when GAY will doubtless have some new experiences to +relate; meanwhile, allow me to subscribe myself--(I like to subscribe +to everything good)--Yours explanatorily, + +(Lord) ARTHUR FLEETWOOD. + + * * * * * + +ALL ROUND THE FAIR. + +NO. III. + +IN THE "FINE ART" EXHIBITION. + + _Rustic Art Patrons discovered applying their eyes to + peepholes, through which a motley collection of coloured + lithographs of the Crimean Campaign, faded stereoscopic-views, + Scriptural engravings, and daubed woodcuts from the + "Illustrated Police News," is arranged for their inspection._ + +_First Art Patron_ (_waiting for his turn at the first peephole_). +Look alive theer, GE-ARGE, ain't ye done squintin' at 'un yet? + +_Ge-arge_ (_a local humorist_). 'Tis a rare old novelty, BEN, th' +latest from London, and naw mistake 'bout it! + +_Ben_ (_with disappointment, as he succeeds to the peephole_). Why, +'tain't on'y ADAM an' EVE afoor th' Fall! that ain't so partickler +noo, as _I_ can see--Lar dear, they're a settin' nekked on a live +lion, and a nursin' o' rabbits! (_At the next hole_ ADAM _and_ EVE +_are represented "After the Fall," overwhelmed with confusion, while +the lion is stalking off scandalised, with a fine expression of lofty +moral indignation._) 'Ere they are _agen_! that theer lion thinks he's +played sofy to 'en long 'nough, seemin'ly! + +_Ge-arge_ (_from a further peephole_). I say, BEN, 'ere's Mrs. PEARCEY +a murderin' Mrs. 'OGG down this 'un--we're a-gittin' _along_! + +_Ben_ (_puzzled_). They must ha' skipped out a deal. I'm on'y at "CAIN +killin' ABEL!" + +_Female Patron_ (_to Proprietor_). 'Ere, Master, I can't see nothen' +down 'ere--'tis all dark like! + +_Proprietor._ Let _me_ 'ave a look! You shud put your 'ands so, each +side o' your eyes, and--(_He looks._) 'Um, it is _rayther_--but +what else do yer _expeck_? It's a "View o' Paris by Night," ain't +it--_that_'s all right! + +OUTSIDE "PROFESSOR PUGMAN'S SPARRING SALOON." + +_The Professor_ (_on a little platform, with a pair of Pupils_). +Now then, all you as are lovers o' the Noble and Manly Art o' +Self-Defence, step inside and see it illusterated in a scientific an' +fust-class manner! This (_introducing first Pupil, who rubs his nose +with dignity_) is 'OPPER of 'Olloway, the becoming nine-stun Champion. +This hother's BATTERS o' Bermondsey, open to fight any lad in England +at eight-stun four. Is there anyone among you willing to 'ave a round +or two with either on 'em fur a drink an' admission free?--if so, +now's his time to step forward--there's no waiting, mind yer? + +_Joe_ (_to Melia_). I b'lieve as 'ow I could tackle the little 'un--I +used to box above a bit. + +_Melia._ Don't ye now, JOE; you'll on'y go and git yourself 'urt or +summat! + +_Joe._ _I_ shan't git 'urt. 'Ere, Master, I'm game fur to put on the +gloves wi' _'im_. + +_Prof._ Git inside with yer then! (_To Crowd._) Now then for the Great +Glove Contest--Just goin' inside to begin--Mind, there's _no_ waitin'! + +_Joe._ 'Ere, MELIA, come along in, and look arter my 'at an' coat. + +_Melia._ I dussen't, JOE! I can't abear to see no fightin', I'll bide +'ere till ye come out. + + [_JOE enters the tent, followed by the Pupils and a few + Connoisseurs._ + +_Prof._ (_looking into the interior of tent through a slit in the +canvas_). Theer they are! Oh my, what a pictur'! They're puttin' on +the gloves now, make 'aste if you're goin' in! (_The Crowd hesitate._) +'Ere! (_To the Champions._) Step outside once more and show +yourselves! + + [_The Champions appear, re-mount the platform, and are + introduced all over again._ + +_Melia_ (_intercepting her swain_). JOE, 'ow are ye gittin' on? You +don't look none the worse so fur; is it neelly over? + +_Joe_ (_gruffly_). Neelly over! why, we ain't _begun_ yet--nor likely +to wi' all this bloomin' palaverin'! + +_Melia._ I do wish 'twas over--Kip a good 'art, JOE; don't let 'un go +knockin' ye about! + +_Joe_ (_with a slight decrease of confidence_). Theer's a way to talk! +I doan't reckon as 'ow he'll _kill_ me, not in three rounds, I doan't, +but if I'd a-know'd there'd be all this messin' about fust, I'd a-- + + [_He goes inside gloomily._ + +[Illustration: "Theer they are! Oh my, what a pictur'!"] + +INSIDE THE SPARRING SALOON. + + _The Spectators are waiting patiently around the ropes; the + Professor is still on the platform, expatiating on the coming + contest. JOE has found a friend whom he has entrusted with + his hat and coat._ + +_Joe_ (_to the Friend_). Jest kip a heye on these 'ere, will ye! + + [_He hands him a huge pair of highlows._ + +_Prof._ (_calling in_). Fur the larst time, come outside and show +yerselves, all on yer! + +_The Friend._ You got to go out agin, JOE, better putt on yer coat an' +'at, not to ketch cold! + +_Joe._ Ah, and I'll 'ave to 'ave they bo-oots on agen, too. (_He gets +into his things in a great flurry, and hastens outside._) 'Tis enough +to take th' 'art out of a man, thet 'tis! + + [_More exhortations from Proprietor, until the last Spectator + has been induced to enter the Saloon, whereupon the Champions + return, and the hangings at the entrance are finally drawn._ + +_Prof._ (_acting as Timekeeper_). Now then, all ready? (_To JOE._) +In you go--What are yer waitin' for? Never mind about takin' orf +yer boots! Gentlemen, BATTERS o' Bermondsey is agoin' to fight three +rounds with a volunteer, one o' your own men. Whatever you see between +'em (_solemnly_), pass no remarks! Time! + + [_JOE and "BATTERS o' Bermondsey" walk round each other + and make a fumbling attempt to shake hands, after which JOE, + while preparing to deliver a blow with extreme caution and + deliberation, is surprised by a smart smack on his cheek, + which makes him stagger; he recovers himself and prances down + on BATTERS with a windmill action._ + +_Batters_ (_limping into his corner_). 'Ere, I say, ole man--moind my +tows--foight at yer right _end_! + +_Joe_ (_apologetically_). I didn't mean nothing unfair-like--I +_warnted_ fur to take off them 'ere boots--but I warn't let! + +_Batters._ I'll _let_ ye--fur 'taint no corpet slippers as you've got +on, ole feller, I tell yer strite! + + [_JOE removes the offending boots._ + +_Spectators_ (_during the second round, which is fought with more +spirit than science on JOE'S part_). Ah, JOE ain't no match for +'un--he let un _'ave_ it then, didn't he? My word! but it's "Go 'ome +an' tell yer Mother, an' ax yer Uncle 'ow ye be" with 'un, pretty near +every time! + +_Prof._ (_with affected rapture_). Oh dear! Oh lor! _What_ doins! +Time! you two, afore ye _kill_ one another! Now, Gentlemen, a good +clap, to encourage 'em. I think you'll agree as the Volunteer is +showin' you good sport; and, if you think him deservin' of a drink, +p'raps one o' you will oblige with the loan of a 'at, which he'll now +take round. (_The hat is procured, and offered to_ JOE, _who, however, +prefers that the collection should be made by deputy._) Don't _forgit_ +'im, Gentlemen! (_Coppers pour into the hat, and the last round is +fought;_ B. of B. _ducking_ JOE'S _blows with great agility, and +planting his own freely in various parts of_ JOE'S _anatomy._) + +_Spectators._ 'E'll be knocked out in a minnit, 'e will! Don't sim to +git near 'un no 'ow. Look a' _that_--and _thar_ agin! Ah, JOE got +one in that time--but the tother's the better man--'e don't touch 'un +without _'ittin'_ of 'un--d'ye see? Time! Ah, and time it _was_ time, +too--fur _'im_! + +_Prof._ (_to JOE, as he sits blinking, and blowing his nose with +vigour_). That was a jolly good fight--tho' rough. You've some notion +o' sparrin'--we'd soon make a boxer o' _you_. 'Ere's _your_ share of +the collection--sevenpence ap'ny. We give _you_ the extry ap'ny, bein' +a stranger. Would you feel inclined to fight six rounds, later on +like, with another of our lads, fur ten bob, now? + +_Joe_ (_making a futile attempt to untie his glove with his teeth_). +Much obliged, Master, but I've 'ad about enough spree a'ready to do me +fur a bit. + +_Prof._ Are there any two friends in 'ere as 'ud like to fight a round +or two? + + [_Two Rustics step forward valiantly--a tall dark man and a + little red-haired one--and, after the usual preliminaries, + square up at a safe distance._ + +_Spectators_ (_to the tall man_). Why don't ye step _up_ to 'un, JIM? +Use yer right 'and a bit! (_To the short one._) Let out on 'un, TOM! + + [_TOM, thus exhorted, lands an unexpected blow on JIM'S eye._ + +_Jim_ (_suddenly ducking under the rope in great dudgeon_). 'Twas a +cowardly blow! I didn' stan' up to be 'it in th' fa-ace i' that way; +I've 'ad enoof of it! + +_Tom._ Come back and fight it out! (_Soothingly._) Why, ye come at me +like a thunderin' great _lion_, ye did! + +_Jim_ (_putting on his hat and coat, sulkily_). Loi-on or noan, +I ain't gawin' to hev naw moor on it, I tell 'ee. [_Groans from_ +Spectators. + +_Prof._ Don't be 'ard on 'im, Gents; it ain't 'is fault if he's on'y +bin used to box with bolsters, and as he ain't goin' to finish 'is +rounds, it's all over for this time, and I 'ope you're all satisfied +with what you've seen. + +_A Malcontent._ _I_ ain't. I carl it a bloomin' swindle. I come 'ere +to see some _sparrin'_, _I_ did! + +_Prof._ Step inside the ropes then, and _I'll_ soon show yer some! +(_This invitation is hastily declined._) Well, then, go outside quiet, +d'jear me? or else you'll do it upside down, like ole JOHN BROWN, in +'arf a sec., I can tell yer! + + [_The Malcontent departs meekly, and reserves any further + observations until he is out of hearing._ + +_Melia_ (_to JOE_). Lor, I wish now I'd been there to see ye; I do +'ope ye weren't too _rough_ with 'un, though, JOE. What shall we do +next?--'ave a turn on the swings, or the swishback circus, or the +giddy-go-round--or what? (JOE _shakes his head._) _Why_ won't ye, JOE? + +_Joe_ (_driven to candour_). Why?--'cause it 'ud be throwin' away +money, seein' I've got 'em all goin' on inside o' me at once as 'tis, +if ye _want_ to know! I feel a deal more like settin' down quiet a +bit, I do, if I cud find a place. + +_Melia_ (_with an inspiration_). Then let's go and 'ave our likenesses +took! + + [_She cannot understand why JOE should be so needlessly + incensed at so innocent and opportune a suggestion._ + + * * * * * + +THE "BEST EVIDENCE"--HOW NOT TO GET IT. + +Have been summoned to attend as a Witness in the trial of the six +roughs who first drugged and then savagely ill-treated a foolishly +convivial citizen in Whitechapel. Don't know if it was wise of me +to tell the Police that I could identify the men. Since my evidence +before the Magistrate came out, I have had thirty-seven threatening +letters, my front windows have been broken several times over, and a +valuable dog poisoned. Still, evidently a patriotic duty to "assist +the course of Justice;" and no doubt I shall be compensated. + +So this is the "Central Criminal Court," is it? Should hardly have +believed it possible. Outside mean and dirty. + +Interior, meaner and much dirtier. Speak to Usher. Usher most +polite. Glad, that at any rate, they _do_ know how to treat important +Witnesses. Am assured I shall have a seat "close to the Judge." +Produce my witness-summons. Demeanour of Usher suddenly changes. I +shall have to go to the "Witnesses' Waiting-room in the old Court." +Where's that? _He_ doesn't know. I'd better ask a Policeman. It now +flashes across me that Usher mistook me for a wealthy, and probably +generous spectator, and thought when I was fumbling in my pocket for +my summons, I was looking for half-a-crown for _him_! Depressing. + +Policeman leaves me in a dark, draughty passage, with a bench on each +side. "But where is the waiting-room?" I ask an attendant. "_This_ is +the waiting-room," he replies. More like the Black Hole. _Was_ it wise +of me to give information to the Police? + +_Two Days later._--They crammed _forty_ Witnesses into that passage! +No seats for half of them. We had one chair, and Usher took it away +"as a lady wanted it in Court." Lady no doubt a spectator--did _she_ +hunt in her pocket for half-a-crown? Anyhow, after two days in the +passage, I have just given my evidence in Court, with fearful cold +on my lungs, owing to the draught. Very hoarse. Ordered by Judge, +sternly, to "speak up." Conscious that I looked a wretched object. +Jury regarded me with evident suspicion. Severely cross-examined. +Mentioned to Judge about my windows being smashed, &c.; could I +receive anything for it? "Oh, dear no," replied the Judge; "we never +reward Witnesses." Amusement in Court--at my expense. In fact, the +course of Justice generally seems to be altogether at my expense. +Home in a cab and a fever. Find ten more threatening letters, and an +infernal machine under area-steps. Go to bed. Doctor says I am in +for pneumonia and bronchitis, he thinks. Tells me I am thoroughly +run down, and asks me, "What I've been doing to reduce myself to this +state?" I reply that, "I have been assisting the course of Justice." +Doctor shrugs his shoulders, and I hear him distinctly mutter, "More +fool you!" I agree with Doctor, cordially. Am quite certain now that +it _was_ unwise to tell Police that I could identify those criminals. +If this is the way in which Witnesses are treated, let Justice in +future assist itself! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +My Baronite has been reading _Mona Maclean, Medical Student_. +(BLACKWOOD.) "It is," he tells me, "a Novel with a purpose--no +recommendation for a novel, more especially when the purpose selected +is that of demonstrating the indispensability of women-doctors." +Happily GRAHAM TRAVERS, as the author (being evidently a woman) +calls herself, is lured from her fell design. There is a chapter or +two of talk among the girls in the dissecting-room and the chemical +laboratory, with much about the "spheno-maxillary fossa," the +"dorsalis pedis," and the general whereabouts of "Scarpa's triangle." +But these can be skipped, and the reader may get into the company of +_Mona Maclean_ when she is less erudite, and more womanly. When not +dissecting the "plantar arch," _Mona_ is a bright, fearless, clever +girl, with a breezy manner, refreshing to all admitted to her company. +The episode of her shopkeeping experience is admirably told, and +affords the author abundant and varied opportunity of exercising her +gift of drawing character. _Mona Maclean_ is, apparently, a first +effort at novel-writing. The workmanship improves up to the end of the +third volume; and Miss TRAVERS' next book will be better still. + +[Illustration: Affection's Offering--from Alfred the Second to Dear +George the first.] + +To Mr. J. FISHER UNWIN comes the happy thought of issuing, in +a neatly-packed box, the whole twenty volumes of the Pseudonym +Library--and a very acceptable Christmas-Box it will make. The +volumes, with their odd, oblong shape, are delightful to hold; the +type is good, and the excellence of the literary matter is remarkably +well kept up over the already long series. Mr. UNWIN promises fresh +volumes, introducing to the British public Finnish and Danish authors, +or Danish first, and the others to Finnish. + +See how these Poets love one another! How touching is the dedication +of ALFRED AUSTIN'S latest volume to GEORGE MEREDITH! May both live +long and prosper, is the hearty wish of their friend, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL ROAD TO COMFORT.--A DREAM. + +The rival Steamboats were on the alert. It was a misty night, and it +was a difficult matter to make out the lights of Calais Harbour. + +"We shall catch him yet," said the Captain of the Blue Vessel. + +"He will not escape us," observed the C.O. of the Red. + +Suddenly the Blue started at full steam ahead, and was lost to sight +in Calais harbour. She was quickly followed by the Red, moving with +equal expedition. + +The vessels reached the quay nearly at the same time. Then there was +confusion and sounds of military music. Evidently the Illustrious +Personage had embarked. Then the mist cleared away. + +"He is safe on board," said the Captain of the Blue Vessel, and his +Mate indulged in a short laugh of triumph. + +"It does not matter," observed the Commanding Officer of the Red; "the +Blue may have his person, but _we_ have his luggage!" + +And then the cheers were renewed again and again, and the Illustrious +Personage came to the conclusion that English enterprise was not +without its disadvantages! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +HE TRAVELS ALL OVER ENGLAND IN SEARCH OF A BACKGROUND FOR HIS "_VIVIAN +BEGUILING MERLIN IN THE FOREST OF BROCELIANDE_,"--A HOPELESS QUEST!] + + * * * * * + +BOGEY OR BENEFACTOR? + +_Timid Ratepayer loquitur:--_ + + O lor! O dear! What have we here? What a nondescript, huge + NID-NODDY! + None know, I'm sure, what _I_ have to endure. It's enough to + frighten a body! + They are always up to some queer new game, and a giving me some + fresh master; + But this one is a _crux_ from the sole of his foot to the crown of + his comical castor. + + He looks as big as all out-of-doors, and e'en BUMBLE was hardly as + bumptious. + He'd make my London a Paradise, which is a prospect that's + perfectly scrumptious. + But oh! he _is_ big, with the funniest rig; a Titan who, if he + _should_ tumble, + Might squelch me as flat as an opera-hat, and make me regret old + BUMBLE. + + Noodledom ruled me for many long years; this means, I am told, a + new Era; + But bad as a Booby may be as a Boss, what about a colossal Chimaera? + I don't say he's that, but with body of goat, dragon's tail, and + the head of a lion, + A creature were hardly more "mixed" than _this_ monster, whose + rule for the time I must try on. + + A complex, conglomerate, Jack-of-all-Trades! Well, I trust he'll + be master of some of them! + _Largo al factotum_! He's game for all tasks, and--I wish I was + sure what would come of them. + Most representative? Palpable that! And his plans most sublime (so + he says) are; + But he looks just as motley a nondescript as the image of + Nebuchadnezzar. + + The elephant who can root up a huge oak, or handle a needle or + pin, is + Less marvellous much, and it may be, of course, that the folks who + distrust him are ninnies. + I hope so, I'm sure. There are evils to cure, and of room for + improvement there's plenty; + And all must admit that, whatever his faults, he cannot be called + _far niente_. + + He _does_ look a bit of a Bogey, but then he _may_ prove just a + big Benefactor, + And if he should work on the cheap, kill Corruption, and kick out + the knavish Contractor, + Without piling Pelion on Ossa (of rates) on my back, till my legs + with the "tottle" limp, + I _shall_ "learn to love him" as Giant Beneficent, not a big, + blundering Bottle-Imp! + + * * * * * + +OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.--_Otello_ (the Grand Otello Company, Limited) was +the feature last week. GIANINI a stout _Otello_, much and Moor. MELBA +a charming _Desdemona_, but not a great part for her. DUFRICHE as +_Iago_, good, but not good enough for _him_. Sir DRURIOLANUS gives +_Carmen_ at Windsor Castle, before the QUEEN! Aha! Where now is +LAGO Factotum and His Special Patronaged Royal Box at the Olympic? +DRURIOLANUS Victor, with all the honours. + + * * * * * + +AT A RINK. + + Round and round, and to and fro + At a rink, + Pretty girls, with cheeks that glow + Rosy pink; + Graceful, gleeful, gliding, go, + Whilst they link + Arms together, like the flow + Past its brink + Of a river's eddy--so + Duffers think + They can glide. See one start slow, + Shyly shrink, + Fearful lest his end be woe, + Sheepish slink, + Skates on unaccustomed toe + Strangely clink, + Hot and thirsty he will grow, + Long for drink; + All around amusement show, + Laugh and wink, + But they look as black as crow, + Or as ink, + If he fall against them. Oh, + In a twink + On the floor, not soft but low, + See him sink! + Whilst he murmurs gently, "Blow + This old rink!" + + * * * * * + +LOGICAL AND ENGINE-IOUS.--Why object (though we do) to Advertisements +of all sorts along our Railway lines? Surely, wherever the Locomotive +goes, there is the very place for puffing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BOGEY OR BENEFACTOR? + +L.C.C. "HA, HA! YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE ME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUITE UNPARDONABLE. + +_Assistant_ (_in his most insinuating manner_). "IN YOUR CASE, MADAM, +I SHOULD CERTAINLY CONSIDER _FAST_ COLOURS MOST SUITABLE." RESULT!] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +(_WITH WHICH IS INCORPORATED "ANECDOTES."_) + +Let us imagine, if you please, that the toils and trampings of the day +are over. You are staying at a comfortable country-house with friends +whom you like. You have had a good day at your host's pheasants +and his rabbits. Your shooting has been fairly accurate, not +ostentatiously brilliant, but on the whole satisfactory. You have +followed out the hints given in my previous Chapters, and are +consequently looked upon as a pleasant fellow, with plenty to say for +himself. After tea, in the drawing-room, you have had an hour or two +for the writing of letters, which you have of course not written, for +the reading of the morning papers from London which you have skimmed +with a faint interest, and for the forty or eighty or one hundred +and twenty winks in an armchair in front of the fire, which are by +no means the least pleasant and comforting incident in the day's +programme. You have dressed for dinner in good time; you have tied +your white tie successfully "in once;" you have taken in a charming +girl (ROSE LARKING, let us say) to dinner. The dinner itself has been +good, the drawing-room interlude after dinner has been pleasantly +varied with music, and the ladies have, with the tact for which they +are sometimes distinguished, retired early to bed-rooms, where it is +believed they spend hours in the combing of their beautiful hair, and +the interchange of gossip. You are in high spirits. You think, indeed +you are sure (and again, on thinking it well over, not quite so sure), +that the adorable ROSE looked kindly upon you as she said good-night, +and allowed her pretty little hand to linger in your own while you +assured her that to-morrow you would get for her the pinion-feather +of a woodcock, or die in the attempt. You are now arrayed in your +smoking-coat (the black with the red silk-facings), and your velvet +slippers with your initials worked in gold--a birthday present from +your sister. All the rest are, each after his own fashion, similarly +attired, and the whole male party is gathered together in the +smoking-room. There you sit and smoke and chat until the witching hour +of night, when everybody yawns and grave men, as well as gay, go up to +their beds. + +Now, since you are an unassuming youngster, and anxious to learn, +you ask me probably, how you are to bear yourself in this important +assembly, what you are to speak about, and how? The chief thing, I +answer, is _not to be a bore_. It is so easy _not_ to be a bore if +only you give a little thought to it. Nobody wants to be a bore. I +cannot imagine any man consciously incurring the execration of his +fellow-men. And yet there exist innumerable bores scattered through +the length and breadth of our happy country, and carrying on their +dismal business with an almost malignant persistency. Longwindedness, +pomposity, the exaggeration of petty trivialities, the irresistible +desire to magnify one's own wretched little achievements, to pose as +the little hero of insignificant adventures, and to relate them to the +whole world in every dull detail, regardless of the right of other men +to get an occasional word in edgewise--these are the true marks of +the genuine bore. He must know that you take no interest in him or his +story. Even if you did, his manner of telling it would flatten you, +yet he fascinates you with that glassy stare, that self-conscious +and self-admiring smirk, and distils his tale into your ears at the +very moment when you are burning to talk over old College-days with +CHALMERS, or to discuss an article in the _Field_ with SHABRACK. + +I remember once finding myself, by some freak of mocking destiny, in +a house in which _two_ bores had established fortified camps. On the +first night, we all became so dazed with intolerable dulness, that +our powers of resistance faded away to the vanishing point. Both bores +sallied out from their ramparts, laid our little possessions waste, +and led, each his tale of captives back with him, gagged, bound, and +incapable of struggle. + + So next day, when the accustomed train + Of things grew round our sense again, + +we agreed together, those of us, I mean, who had suffered on the +previous night, that something must be done. What it was to be +we could not at first decide. We should have preferred "something +lingering, with boiling oil in it," but at last we decided on the +brilliant suggestion of SHABRACK, who was of the party, that we should +endeavour by some means or other to bring the two bores, as it were, +face to face in a kind of boring-competition in the smoking-room +that very night, to engage them in warfare against one another +and ourselves to sit by and watch them mutually extinguishing one +another; a result that, we were certain, could not fail to be brought +about, owing to the deadly nature of the weapons with which each was +provided. Both the bores, I may observe, shot execrably during the +day. In the evening, after a short preliminary skirmish, from which +SHABRACK the hussar extricated us with but little loss, that which we +desired came to pass. It was a terrible spectacle. In a moment both +these magnificent animals, their bristles erect, and all their tusks +flashing fiercely in the lamp-light, were locked in the death-grapple. +Every detail of the memorable struggle is indelibly burnt into my +brain. Even at this distance of time, I can remember how we all looked +on, silent, awestruck, fascinated, as the dreadful fight proceeded +to its inevitable close. For the benefit of others, let me attempt to +describe it in the appropriate language of the Ring. + +GREAT FIGHT BETWEEN THE KENTISH PROSER AND THE HAMPSHIRE DULLARD. + +_Round I._--Both men advanced, confident, but cautious. After sparring +for an opening, the Proser landed lightly on the jaw with,--"When +the Duke of DASHBURY did me the honour to ask me to his Grace's +noble deer-forest." He ducked to avoid the return, but the Hampshire +Champion would not be denied, and placed two heavy fish-stories fair +in the bread-basket. The Proser swung round a vicious right-hander +anecdote about a stag shot at 250 yards, but the blow fell short, +and he was fairly staggered by two in succession ("the tree-climbing +rabbit," and "the Marquis of DULLFIELD'S gaiters"), delivered straight +on the mouth. First blood for the Dullard. After some hard exchanges +they closed, and fell, the Dullard underneath. + +_Round II._--Both blowing a good deal. The Proser put up his Dukes, +and let fly with both of them, one after another, at the Dullard's +conk, drawing claret profusely. Nothing daunted, the Dullard watched +his opportunity, and delivered a first-class Royal Prince on the +Proser's right eye, half closing that optic. The men now closed, but +broke away again almost directly. Some smart fibbing, in which neither +could claim an advantage, ensued. The round was brought to a close by +some rapid exchanges, after which the Proser went down. Betting 6 to 4 +on the Dullard. + +_Round III., and last._--Proser's right peeper badly swollen, the +Dullard gory, and a bit groggy, but still smiling. Proser opened with +a ricochet, which did great execution, but was countered heavily when +he attempted to repeat the trick, the Dullard all but knocking him +off his legs with a fifty-pound salmon. After some slight exchanges +they began a hammer-and-tongs game, in which Proser scored heavily. +Dullard, however, pulled himself together for a final rush. They met +in the middle of the ring, and both fell heavily. As neither was able +to rise, the fight was drawn. Both men were heavily damaged, and were +carried away with their jaws broken. + +There you have the story. The actual result was that these two +ponderous bores all but did one another to death. So exhausted +were they by the terrible conflict, that our comfort was not again +disturbed by them during this particular visit. We were lucky, though +at first we scarcely saw it, in getting two evenly matched ironclad +bores together. If we had had only one, the matter would have been far +more difficult. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERPENT'S TOOTH. + +"DIDN'T I SEND 'IM TO HETON AN' HOXFORD? DIDN'T I SEND 'IM INTO THE +HARMY, ALONG O' SOME O' THE BIGGEST NOBS IN ALL HENGLAND, WITH AN +ALLOWANCE FIT FOR A YOUNG HEARL? AND WHAT'S THE HUPSHOT OF IT ALL? +WHY, HE GIVES DINNERS TO DOOKS AND ROYAL 'IGHNESSES, AN' DON'T EVEN +HARSK 'IS PORE OLD FATHER TO MEET 'EM. 'IGHNESSES, INDEED! I COULD BUY +UP THE 'OLE BLESSED LOT! AND, _WHAT'S MORE, I WOULDN'T MIND TELLIN' +'EM SO TO THEIR FACES, FOR TWO PINS!--AH! JUST AS SOON AS LOOK AT +'EM--AND 'E KNOWS IT!_"] + + * * * * * + +UNDECIDED. + + Goosey, Goose, Uganda, + With whom will you wander, + With the English, with the French? + Or with King MWANGA? + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS (_by a Bill Poster_).--"Invest all your savings in +hoardings." + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLIMENT OF COIN. + +(_AN EXTRACT FROM MR. PUNCH'S PURELY IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS._) + + SCENE--_Interior of a Palace._ Emperor _and_ Empress + _discovered discussing the former's tour in foreign parts._ + +_Emperor_ (_finishing a good story_). So after I had made a hearty +meal off the bread-and-milk, I gave the old woman a note for five +thousand thalers, and told her to buy a three-sous portrait of +myself so that she might see the Sovereign that she had saved from +starvation. Ha! ha! ha! Wasn't it amusing? + +_Empress_ (_smiling_). Very, dear; but wasn't it a little expensive? +Surely you could have got the bread-and-milk for a smaller sum? + +_Emperor._ Of course I could! But then, don't you see, it made me +popular. It's in all the papers, and reads splendidly! + +_Empress._ Yes, of course, dear. By the way, I found this volume +(_producing book bound in velvet with real gold clasps_) in your +overcoat. May I peep into it? + +_Emperor_ (_doubtfully_). I don't think you will find it particularly +interesting. I have just jotted down my petty cash disbursements. + +_Empress_ (_opening book and glancing at contents_). Dear me! Why the +total amounts to L15,000! I see it's put in English money. + +_Emperor._ Yes, it saves trouble. When I am travelling I get rather +confused with all coinage save that of Mother's Fatherland. + +_Empress._ But surely L15,000 is a lot to expend upon extras? + +_Emperor._ Depends on the view you take of things. I had a lot of +things to buy. + +_Empress._ But surely _this_ must be wrong? Shoeblack fifty guineas! + +_Emperor_ (_lightly_). No, I think that's all right. You see, the +fellow, after he had cleaned my boots, suddenly recognised me, called +me Sire, and sang the "_Wacht am Rhein_." I couldn't, after that, give +him less. + +_Empress._ Well, you know best, dear; but I should have thought you +could have got your boots cleaned for rather less! + +_Emperor._ Possibly; but I should have lost the story. And you know it +reads so well. + +_Empress._ And here's another rather big item. L800 for a London +cabman! + +_Emperor._ I consider _that_ the cheapest item in the lot. He wanted +more! + +_Empress._ And here are several items of seventy pounds apiece. What +were _they_ for? + +_Emperor._ Oh, nothing in particular. Little girl picked up my +handkerchief, and a little boy asked me for a kite. Was obliged to +give them each a bundle of tenners. It would have been so mean if I +had given them less. But there, I told you you wouldn't find the book +at all interesting. If you will pass it to me, I will lock it up. + +_Empress._ Oh, certainly, dear. (_Gives up volume._) And now, darling, +I am going to ask you a favour. You never saw such a pet of a +coronet as they have at Von ----'s. Now I want you to buy it for me +particularly. + +_Emperor_ (_embarrassed_). Certainly, dear--but you know, we are not +too well off. + +_Empress._ Oh, but it is simply charming. Rubies round the edge, and +a cross of brilliants and emeralds. And, really, _so_ cheap. They only +want L100,000 for it! + +_Emperor._ Very nice indeed; but just at this moment it would be a +little inconvenient to produce so large a sum. + +_Empress._ Large sum! Why, the rubies alone are worth all the money. + +_Emperor._ Yes, I know, dear. And now I must hurry away; duty, my +love, comes before pleasure. See you soon. + + [_Exit hurriedly, to attend a review. In the meanwhile, + Coronet remains in the jeweller's shop-window. Curtain_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON. A SCOTCH NIGHT.] + + * * * * * + +AN EVENING FROM HOME. + +There used to appear daily--and it may be appearing daily now, for +aught I know, only, speaking on oath, I haven't lately noticed it--a +question addressed by Everybody in General, or by Nobody in Particular +to Everybody Else, which took this form: "Where shall we dine to-day?" +I forget what the answer was, but, as a rule, the domesticated man, +with a good cook in his own kitchen, could answer it offhand by +saying to himself, "'_Where_ shall we dine to-day?' Why, at home, of +course--where better?--and catch me moving out afterwards." But, if he +were contemplating the unpleasant certainty of having post-prandially +to leave his hearth and home in order to visit some theatre, opera, or +concert, then it might occur to him that he could do the thing well, +and give his party a novel treat, if, in French fashion, he took them +somewhere to dine, previous to doing their play. Thus it occurred to +Yours truly, Y TI-BULLUS BIBULUS, a day or two ago, when, dressed in +his classical evening Togaryii in a _Currus Pulcher_ (with a _Cursor_ +alongside anticipating _denarii_, and risking the sharp rebuke of a +probable _Cursor_ inside the vehicle) he was passing the Oxford Music +Hall, and a brightly decorated Restauration caught his observant eye. +Was it new, or was it a Restauration restored? Its name, in large +letters, "FRASCATI." This seemed at once to lend itself to a familiar +jingle, and I found myself humming,-- + + Oh, did you never hear of Frascati? + 'Tis not far from Rome, eh my hearty? + The place looks so fine, + I will there go and dine, + And I'll bring with me all of my party! + +[Illustration: "Our Hamp-phitryon."] + +Horatian inspiration! I like to find out a new dining-place. Years +ago, by the merest accident sailing north, I discovered the Holborn, +and, since then, how many have not blessed the Columbus Holbornius? +I do not ask how many _have_ done so. "That is another story." Since +then, the taste for dining domestically away from home has come +considerably into fashion. The Ladies like it, and the Law allows it. +(Quotation from _Merchant of Venice_ adapted to occasion--Restaurant +edition--_Portia_ for two.) It is a cheerful change, it assists the +circulation of coin, it is an aid to the solution of the problems of +Bimetallism, it rejuvenesces the home-fire-sider, it developes ideas, +restores the balance of temper; and, if only the dinner be good, +everybody goes away delighted,--guests are satisfied, the host is +pleased, the waiter smiles on the tipper, the tipper on the manager, +the manager on the proprietor, and all is Joy and Junketing! Judge my +surprise, when to me, TIBULLUS, entering Frascati, and as _Cicerone_, +informing my friends (all eager and hungry, and therefore unwilling +to dispute) how Frascati was the ancient Tusculum, a well-known face +appears welcoming us with smiles. It is Signor HAMPI, better known as +Mr. HAMP of Holborn. "Salve!" quoth I, as TIBULLUS. "The same to you, +Sir," responds HAMPIUS. "Now," said my friend WAGSTAFFIUS, without +whom no party is complete, "Now we shall be Hamp-ly satisfied." + +The arrangement of the Frascati is a novelty; it is all so open and, +though there are plenty of staffers about, not in the least stuffy. +It would take a considerable crowd to overcrowd the place and to +demoralise the troops of well-disciplined waiters, all under the +eye of the ever-vigilant generalissimo of the forces, who in his +white waist-coat, black tie, and frock-coat of most decided cut and +uncompromising character--there is much in a frock-coat and something +too in the wearing of it--is here, there, and everywhere, and only +waiting till the last moment, and the right one, when the banquet +is ended, to give the word of command, "Charge!"--and the charge +(decidedly moderate and previously named in the _carte du jour_) is +received with satisfaction and defrayed with delight. + +I have only one suggestion to make, and that affects the music not the +meal. Let the music be adapted to the dishes; and not only should the +course of time be considered as it progresses, but also the time of +the course. For example,--who that has an ear for music can swallow +oysters deliberately and sedately while the band is playing a mad +galop? Let there be something very slow and _pianissimo_ for the _hors +d'oeuvres_: something gentle and soothing for the oysters; there +can be an indication of heartiness in the melody that ushers in the +soup, as though giving it a warm welcome. There should be a mincing +minuet-like movement for the _entrees_, a sparkling air for the +champagne, and something robust for the joint. A sporting tune for the +game: sweet melody for the sweets, and a grand and grateful Chorale--a +kind of thanksgiving service as it were--when the last crumb and the +last bit of cheese have been swept away. + +[Illustration: "Up I came with my little lot!!"] + +After this to The Pavilion, in plenty of time to hear the ubiquitous +ALBERT CHEVALIER singing his celebrated coster-songs. Signor COSTA +was a well-known name in the musical world some years ago; CHEVALIER +Coster is about the best-known now. These ditties are uncommonly +telling; the music is so catching and so really good. Then his singing +of the little Nipper "on'y so 'igh, that's all," has in it that touch +of nature which makes you drop the silent tear and pretend you are +blowing your nose. Capital entertainment at the "Pav." Ingress and +egress is not difficult, and the place doesn't become inconveniently +hot. The sweet singer with the poetic name of HERBERT CAMPBELL is very +funny; which indeed he would be, even if he never opened his mouth. +Such a low comedian's "mug!" + +But of all the pretty things to be seen in its perfection here (I have +seen it elsewhere, and was not so struck by it) is the Skirt Dance. It +is "real elegant," graceful, and picturesque. What a change has come +over the Music-hall entertainment since--since--"since even _I_ was +a boy!" says the Acting Manager, Mr. EDWARD SWANBOROUGH,--evergreen +in the true sense of the word. A vast improvement, no doubt of it. +But, with such good amusement for the public, why on earth do the +Music-Halls want to do "Dramatic Sketches"? And, if they do them, +then, judging by what I saw at the "Pav," I am fain to ask again, +why, in the name of SHAKSPEARE, and the musical glasses, should the +theatres object? + +Does anyone seriously think that _Othello_ or _King Lear_ is wanted +at the Music-Halls, or that SHERIDAN'S _School for Scandal_ wouldn't +empty any Music-Hall of its patrons? It is the "variety" which is +the charm of the Music-hall show, and if any one part of the variety +show is a bit too long--longer let us say, than the time it takes to +smoke one-eighth of a fair-sized cigar and to drink half a glass of +something according to taste--then the audience will pretty plainly +express what _they_ understand by Variety, what _they_ have paid to +see, and what they mean to have for their money; and if they don't get +it there, they'll go somewhere else where it will be given them. The +summing-up, Gentlemen, is that, if you want a pleasant evening, you +can't do better than dine at Frascati and afterwards patronise the +"Pav." Such is the opinion of + +Y TI-BULLUS BIB. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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