diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:48:31 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:48:31 -0700 |
| commit | e36e85858ed5ebb4934f9ba771951b0407bb788d (patch) | |
| tree | a0d972b4c56b1487693f78e1461058be633410d7 /16271-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '16271-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/16271-h.htm | 2461 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/000.png | bin | 0 -> 81732 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/002.png | bin | 0 -> 196096 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/042.png | bin | 0 -> 97767 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/043.png | bin | 0 -> 109008 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/045.png | bin | 0 -> 244029 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/046-1.png | bin | 0 -> 91252 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/046-2.png | bin | 0 -> 12186 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/047.png | bin | 0 -> 138023 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/048.png | bin | 0 -> 134313 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/049.png | bin | 0 -> 225999 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/050.png | bin | 0 -> 161814 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/051.png | bin | 0 -> 142516 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/052.png | bin | 0 -> 177617 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-1.png | bin | 0 -> 9203 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-2.png | bin | 0 -> 7211 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-3.png | bin | 0 -> 9317 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-4.png | bin | 0 -> 10691 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-5.png | bin | 0 -> 8903 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-6.png | bin | 0 -> 7707 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-7.png | bin | 0 -> 12931 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-8.png | bin | 0 -> 14340 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-9.png | bin | 0 -> 13768 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-A.png | bin | 0 -> 16470 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-B.png | bin | 0 -> 16741 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/054-C.png | bin | 0 -> 17262 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/055.png | bin | 0 -> 60387 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/056.png | bin | 0 -> 110892 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271-h/images/057.png | bin | 0 -> 91198 bytes |
29 files changed, 2461 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/16271-h/16271-h.htm b/16271-h/16271-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c22070 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/16271-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2461 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, January 21st, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 21st, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 21st, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 12, 2005 [EBook #16271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 21st, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>We understand that the Frenchman who lost his temper so completely + during a duel with pistols that he threatened to shoot his opponent will + be suspended from taking part in similar encounters for the next six + months.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man who had half a ton of coal delivered to him without warning has + been removed to an asylum, where he is being treated for coal-shock.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Wrexham Education Committee has decided not to have Welsh taught in + the elementary schools. Doubts have recently arisen, it appears, as to + whether it will ever be the chosen medium of communication in the League + of Nations.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"There is a movement on foot," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "to + brighten the dress of boys." Smith Tertius writes to say that, according + to the best opinion in his set, the waist should be worn fuller and less + attention paid to the "sit" of the shirt.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man recently arrested in Dublin was found to have in his possession + a loaded revolver, three sticks of gelignite, four lengths of fuse, a + number of detonators and a jemmy. It is thought that he may have been + dabbling in politics.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Demobilised men are doing such execution at the London World's Fair + Shooting Galleries," says a news item, "that the supply of bottles is + running short." Nothing, however, can be done about it till the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font> returns from Paris.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"There is a proper time for the last meal of the day," says a medical + writer. We have always been of the opinion that supper should not be + taken between meals.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>After addressing a meeting for two hours, says a contemporary, <font + class="sc">Trotsky</font> fainted. A more humane man would have fainted + first.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We feel very jealous of the suburban gentleman who wrote last week + asking what an O.B.E. was, and whether, if it was a bird, it should be + fed on hemp-seed or ants' eggs.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the wooden house which fell down last week, the + builder is of the opinion that a sparrow must have accidentally stepped + on it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lord <font class="sc">Birkenhead</font> describes the Coalition as an + "invertebrate and undefined body." Meaning that they have rather more + wishbone than backbone.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Indian native was recently sentenced to write a poem. In other + countries of course you commit a poem first and are sentenced + afterwards.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">F.H. Rose</font>, M.P., writing in <i>The Sunday + Pictorial</i>, refers to the Ministry of Munitions as "a veritable + monument of superfluous futility." For ourselves we don't mind futility + so long as it isn't superfluous.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Will the lady who, during the Winter Sales' scramble, inadvertently + went off with two husbands please return the other one to his rightful + owner?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">J.H. Symons</font>, the Weymouth draper novelist, + has told a <i>Star</i> reporter that he only writes novels for a hobby. + This sets him apart from the many who do it with malicious intent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A referee has lodged a complaint against the Football Club on whose + ground he was assaulted by several spectators who disagreed with his + decisions. Although sympathising with him we fear his attempt to rob our + national game of its most sporting element will not meet with general + approval.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is generally expected that, owing to the number of deaths from + whisky poisoning which have occurred of late, America may decide to go + dry again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported on good authority that Mr. <font class="sc">C.B. + Cochran</font> will visit America daily until the signature of <font + class="sc">Dempsey's</font> manager is obtained.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><font class="sc">Lenin</font>, says a contemporary, has completed his + plans for the overthrow of civilisation. It seems that all our efforts to + conceal from him its presence in our midst are doomed to failure.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A search for combined beauty and brains," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, + "has been instituted by <i>The Weekly Dispatch</i>." We gather, however, + that a good circulation will also be taken into consideration.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the Technical Secretary of the Civil Aviation Committee a + vehicle has been designed which is equally at home in the air, on land, + on the water and under it. It is said to be distinguishable from Mr. + <font class="sc">Winston Churchill</font> only by the latter's + eloquence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that certain members of the betting classes have + demanded that the starting price for coal should be published each day in + the early evening papers.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/000.png"><img width="100%" src="images/000.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">Scene.</font>—<i>Miles from anywhere.</i> + + <p><i>Tammas.</i> <font class="sc">"Could ye oblige me wi' a match, + Sir?"</font></p> + + <p><i>Stranger.</i> <font class="sc">"I'm afraid I've only got + one."</font></p> + + <p><i>Tammas.</i> <font class="sc">"Ay—she'll do."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Triumph of Realism.</h4> + + <p>From a publisher's advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'<font class="sc">Falling Waters.</font>' 'Not a dry page in + it.'"</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The New Polygamy.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride... carried a handsome bouquet of harem + lilies."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + +<h2>THE BENEFITS OF PEACE</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>as they appear to be viewed by certain unofficial guardians +of public morality</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Peace superseded the strife and the stress</p> + <p>Which the public regard as a gift for the Press,</p> + <p>It was feared in the quiet that followed the storm,</p> + <p>With nothing to do but retrench and reform,</p> + <p>That the Town would be painted a colourless tint</p> + <p>And the printers have nothing exciting to print.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That fear was unfounded, I'm happy to say,</p> + <p>And red is the dominant tone of to-day;</p> + <p>So far from incurring a shortage of news</p> + <p>While the place is made fit for our heroes to use,</p> + <p>We cannot remember a rosier time;</p> + <p>We have rarely enjoyed such an orgy of crime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are scandals as nice for the reader to nose</p> + <p>As any old garbage of carrion crows;</p> + <p>Our mystery-mongers are full of resource;</p> + <p>There's a bigamy boom and a vogue of divorce;</p> + <p>To the licence of flappers we freely allude,</p> + <p>And we do what we can with the cult of the nude.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, the War isn't missed; there's a murrain of strikes</p> + <p>Where a paper can take any side that it likes;</p> + <p>We are done with denouncing the filth of the Bosch,</p> + <p>But we still have our own dirty linen to wash;</p> + <p>Though we trade with the brute as a man and a brother,</p> + <p>Our Warriors still can abuse one another.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And if spicier features incline to be slack</p> + <p>There is always the Chief of the State to attack;</p> + <p>We have standing instructions to cake him with mud</p> + <p>And a couple of columns reserved for his blood.</p> + <p>Oh, yes, there is Peace, but our property thrives—</p> + <p>We are having, I tell you, the time of our lives.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/002.png"><img width="100%" src="images/002.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>"WANTED."</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Holland.</font> "SO YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE ME TO + SURRENDER THE EX-KAISER?"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Entente Policeman.</font> "WELL, MA'AM, I DIDN'T GO + SO FAR AS THAT. I ONLY <i>ASKED</i> YOU FOR HIM."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BALLYBUN LOTTERY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>À propos</i> of Premium Bonds it has been recalled that in his + evidence, given some years ago before a Select Committee, the then + Under-Secretary for Ireland stated that in that distressful country + "lotteries are very much used for religious purposes by people of all + denominations," and that "it would be flying in the face of public + opinion, especially of the great religious bodies, to interfere with + them."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Murphy has given up charity for ever. He was perhaps fuller of this + virtue than any other body in Ballybun, and his house was packed with + things he had won at raffles. When a brick tore a hole in the Orange drum + our Presbyterian pastor at once got up a bazaar for repairs to the + chapel, and Murphy won the finest silver tea-service this side of the + Aran Islands. Murphy knew no distinctions of race, creed or sex in the + holy cause of charity. When our Methodist minister, who is universally + popular, as his knowledge of a horse would be a credit to any + denomination, got up an Auction Bridge Drive in aid of the Anti-Gambling + League, Murphy came home with three pink antimacassars, a discourse by + <font class="sc">Jeremy Taylor</font> and two months' pay out of the + pocket of McDougal, the organist, who seems to play cards by ear. But + Nemesis was lying in ambush for Murphy.</p> + + <p>Three old ladies in Trim decided to get up a Tombola for the poor this + winter, and of course they sent Murphy a sheaf of tickets. As lotteries + are illegal they, being pious, hated them; anyway they decided to call it + a Tombola. They got the whole of Ireland to send them prizes, articles of + vertu and bric-à-brac, and any other old things that are of no use to + anybody, The carriage on the stuff and the printer's bill nearly ruined + the charitable ladies, but, as they said, the Tombola would pay all the + expenses, and if they could knock any more out of it the poor should have + it.</p> + + <p>If you sold a dozen tickets you could keep the thirteenth for + yourself, and as Murphy, on account of his charity, was so popular he + must have sold hundreds. People seemed to have an idea that the raffle + was for a gondola, and they thought it would look beautiful on the pond + in front of the Town Hall. Unfortunately our local poetess confirmed this + error by writing a poem about it called "Italy in Ireland," which was + produced in <i>The Ballybun Binnacle</i>, with a misprint about the + gondolier's "untanned sole," which caused a fracas in the editorial + office.</p> + + <p>Murphy explained to all concerned that perhaps his Italian was rusty, + and anyway his time was so taken up reading lottery-tickets and other + charitable literature that he never knew what it was all for. It was a + Tombola, however, this time, and not a gondola, they were subscribing + for. It was a kind of Italian lottery which the police didn't mind + because the prizes were not in money or anything of value, but just Old + Masters and brick-bracks. Murphy has such a way with him that the editor + and the poetess each took a dozen tickets.</p> + + <p>When the result of the draw was published Murphy won six prizes, but + no one grudged him them as he had taken so much trouble. The Grand Prize, + a "statue carved by an Italian artist, the finest bit of sculpture ever + seen in Ireland," was won by our popular grocer, Mr. McAroon. We were all + delighted. People trooped in crowds to McAroon's back-door after + closing-time to toll him so. The police took their names, but the + magistrates, who have a great respect for the fine arts, said that this + was a day in the artistic development of the Cinderella of the West which + automatically and <i>primâ facie</i> regularised an extension of + closing-hours.</p> + + <p>McAroon said that his religion did not run much to statues, but that, + to show his tolerance to all denominations, especially to those on his + books, he would have it unveiled by his Minister. He would invite the + Bishop and all men of goodwill to be present at the ceremony. He would + place it in the corner of his garden overlooking the esplanade, where it + would cheer the simple mariners coming home after their arduous fishing + toils, and perhaps remind one or two of them (but he would mention no + names) of a dozen or so of porter that had been left unpaid for after a + recent wedding.</p> + + <p>The Ballybun express carries no goods whatever, except with the + connivance of the guard and driver, who are both very decent Ballybun + boys, and will bring anything down from Dublin for anyone. They promised + to carry the statue themselves from the railway station up to McAroon's + house. If the express was less than three hours late, which it was sure + to be if it was running smoothly, they could just beam-end the statue on + its pedestal and the presiding elder could unveil it with a hammer.</p> + + <p>The train was not too late, just punctually late, and the guard had + time to hurry the statue along through the biggest crowd we have had for + years in Ballybun.</p> + + <p>The Minister said that he would not open the case with prayer, because + it might give offence to friends of other Christian denominations; he + would just knock the front off and let this matchless piece of statuary + from the blue skies of Italy dazzle them with its beauty. It needed no + words from him, but he would just like to remind any of his flock present + that the collection next Sunday was for the heathen both at home and + abroad.</p> + + <p>The statue then flashed out on us and left us breathless.</p> + + <p>It was the most scandalous thing ever seen in Ballybun; it was Venus + rising from the sea without a stitch. There <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page44" id="page44"></a>[pg 44]</span> she stood with one hand + raised toward the sky and the other pointing at the backs of all the + pious people in Ballybun as they hurried indignantly home. Some of them + blamed McAroon, while others said that Murphy knew all the time what a + Tombola really was and that he ought to be ashamed of himself.</p> + + <p>The Bishop ordered his people not to deal at McAroon's until Murphy + had removed the scandalous object. So many bitter things were said that + McAroon, who is obstinate when roused, vowed that as long as the sun + shone in heaven the lady should add lustre to his back-yard. The Minister + however tried to move him to a more prayerful spirit.</p> + + <p>McAroon said it wouldn't be right to smash up for firewood a marble + statue that had cost five hundred pounds if a penny. The clergyman said + that if everybody stopped away from his store he would lose more than + that in a year, and that in any case, if McAroon suffered, he would + suffer in the holy cause of charity.</p> + + <p>McAroon's piety was touched, and he said that in the interests of + peace and holy charity he would agree on a compromise. He had forsooth to + keep his vow and let the lady stop, but she had two outstretched arms and + there was always abundance of family washing on hand in the daytime at + all events. The clergy of all denominations agreed that his decision was + in keeping with the best traditions of a Family Grocer.</p> + + <p>Murphy and McAroon made it up publicly. Murphy asked how anyone in + Ballybun could possibly know the Italian bathing regulations. Italy was a + godless country; but "anyway," said he, "hear you me. I have suffered so + much in mind from this that I have done with charity for ever."</p> + + <p>Christian peace and friendship reign once more in Ballybun; but any + visitor who desires to see the beauties of Spagnoletti's famous + masterpiece (what McAroon calls his "Anna Dryomeny") without the washing + to serve as a veil must come by night and bring his own matches.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/042.png"><img width="100%" src="images/042.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>A MINISTERIAL ATTITUDE.</h3> + + <p><i>Wife</i> (<i>to amateur politician</i>). "<font class="sc">Nah + then—where do you think you are? In the 'Ouse o' + Commons?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>SO LONG.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All coiled down, and it's time for us to go,</p> + <p>Every sail's furled in a smart harbour stow,</p> + <p>Another ship for us an' for her another crew;</p> + <p>An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fun an' friends I wish you till the pay's all gone,</p> + <p>Pleasure while you spend it an' content when it's done,</p> + <p>An' a chest that's not empty when you go back to sea,</p> + <p>An' a better ship than she's been an' a truer pal than me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A good berth I wish you in a ship that's well-found,</p> + <p>With a decent crowd forrard an' her gear all sound,</p> + <p>Spars a man can trust to when it comes on to blow,</p> + <p>An' no bo'sun bawlin' when it's your watch below.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A good Trade I wish you an' a fair landfall,</p> + <p>Neither fog nor iceberg, nor long calm nor squall,</p> + <p>A pleasant port to come to when the work's all through...</p> + <p>An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/043.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE NEW POOR.</h3> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Good morning, Madam. I deal in cast-off + clothing.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Oh, how lucky! Do you think you have anything that + would suit my husband?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SMUGGLER.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With the British Army in France.</i>)</p> + + <p>"If I am to be a bold bad smuggler, old scream," said Percival, + packing pyjamas and parcels into his bag, "I demand the proper costume + and accessories of the craft. No self-respecting smuggler can be expected + to run a cargo in a British warm and field-boots."</p> + + <p>"Of course, my swaggering buccaneer, if you want to do it in the grand + manner," answered Frederick, "I'll arrange for the saucy little cutter, + the sequestered cove an' the hard-riding exciseman with a cocked hat and + cutlass. But the simpler if less picturesque way is to dump your bag on + the counter at the Customs House and be taken with a fit of sneezing when + the Grand Inquisitor asks you if you have anything to declare."</p> + + <p>"Whereupon he'll hand me a quinine tablet and, when I show signs of + convalescence, repeat the question in a loud voice. And if I don't know + the correct answer I'll find myself meditating in Portland or + Pentonville. That's what I'm exposing myself to by obliging corrupt an' + unscrupulous friends," continued Percival bitterly.</p> + + <p>"Hang it!" expostulated Frederick, "the potty little bottle of scent + I'm asking you to deliver to my cousin Julia won't get you more than a + seven-days' stretch. And you've got <i>fourteen</i> days' leave."</p> + + <p>"Well, I won't grumble about that, although I'd arranged my programme + differently. But what about the box of Flor Fantomas I'm taking for the + Major, and the bottle of whisky with which the skipper has entrusted me + for the purpose of propitiating his projected father-in-law, to say + nothing of the piece of Brussels lace which Binnie says is for his aunt. + Their combined weight will just about earn me a lifer. I can see me + wiring the War Office for an extension of leave on urgent business + grounds—nature of business, to enable applicant to complete term of + penal servitude."</p> + + <p>"Don't, Percival, old crumpet," murmured Frederick, visibly affected; + "the thought of you languishing in a felon's cell, without cigarettes, + gives me a pain in my heart. Let me see what I can do for you."</p> + + <p>In a few minutes he was back, beaming. "I've fixed it all right, + <i>mon lapin</i>," he said; "if the worst comes to the worst they'll bail + you out with the Mess funds. But they won't accept further + responsibility. The Major says, if a fellow who's spent his whole career + dodging duties can't dodge the duty on a box of cigars he doesn't deserve + sympathy."</p> + + <p>So Percival proceeded on leave with a heavy bag and a heavier + conscience. On the boat he was greeted hilariously by Gillow the gunner + and Sparkes the sapper, who invited him below to drink success to the + voyage. In order to give the voyage no chance of failure they continued + to drink success to it until the vessel backed into Folkestone Harbour, + when they felt their precautions might be relaxed.</p> + + <p>"Thanks to our efforts we've arrived safely," said Gillow as they + strolled up on deck; "but the sight of jolly old England doesn't seem to + be moving you to mirth and song, Percival. Why this outward-bound + expression when we're on the homeward tack, my hearty?"</p> + + <p>"It's the gnawing molar of conscience," said Percival ruefully; "I've + got a consignment of pink-ribboned parcels in my bag which I know to + contain contraband and which I also suspect—Frederick's and + Binnie's <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" id="page46"></a>[pg + 46]</span> anyway—to contain amorous missives not meant for vulgar + eyes. If I deliver the parcels with the seals broken I shall get the + glacial glare from the damsels concerned, and when I get back scorpions + and poisoned bill-hooks will be too good for poor Percival."</p> + + <p>"Phew!" whistled Sparkes. "They go through your baggage with a fine + toothcomb nowadays. Couldn't you drop over the side with your bag and + drift ashore on a deserted beach, disguised as a floating mine?"</p> + + <p>"I've cut impersonations of hardware out of my <i>répertoire</i> since + the day I failed to get past an R.T.O. disguised as a brass-hat," said + Percival sadly. "I suppose I must fall back on direct action. I've a + feeling that England expects every man this day to pay his duty."</p> + + <p>On the quay there was the usual mad charge of porters. Percival + indicated his bag to one of them with a distracted air, and followed him + to the Customs House guiltily. The porter dumped the bag before an + official, who had a piece of chalk hopefully poised between his + fingers.</p> + + <p>"'Nything t' 'clare?" he asked, preparing to affix the sign which + spelt freedom.</p> + + <p>Percival blew his nose violently, hoping the chalk would descend to + save him the necessity of answering, but it remained poised in + mid-air.</p> + + <p>"Anything to declare?" repeated the official, with emphasis.</p> + + <p>"Er," said Percival weakly—"nothing that you need worry + about—only a few presents."</p> + + <p>"I'll have to trouble you for your keys, then," said the + incorruptible.</p> + + <p>Percival sighed dismally and produced them. Suddenly he noticed Gillow + declaring his baggage, and became so interested that he failed to + perceive that the official was in difficulties with the lock of his + bag.</p> + + <p>"This the right key, Sir?" demanded the latter at length.</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes," said Percival absently. "But perhaps the bag isn't + locked."</p> + + <p>The bag wasn't. It opened easily, and the official plunged into a + welter of articles of personal use; but no parcels or dutiable goods came + to light.</p> + + <p>"P'raps you think it's a joke, wasting my time like this," snorted the + official indignantly. "All I can say is, it's an infernal bad one."</p> + + <p>"Awf'lly sorry," said Percival sweetly, as his eye followed Gillow, + who had emerged unchallenged. "I must have forgotten to bring the parcels + I spoke about."</p> + + <p>Smiling cheerfully, he directed the porter to place his bag by the + side of Gillow's in a Pullman, and took his seat with an expression of + complete content.</p> + + <p>"How fares the master criminal?" asked Sparkes.</p> + + <p>"A sympathetic friend took my troubles on his shoulders," said + Percival, "and got the parcels through with an effrontery which amazed + me. I always took him for an upright youth, too."</p> + + <p>"Who was it?" asked Gillow.</p> + + <p>"You! Didn't you notice you took my bag by mistake? But don't let it + weigh unduly on your conscience. Mine's clear anyway, and I feel that my + troubles are over."</p> + + <p>But it was not till he got home and opened his own bag that he + discovered a quantity of broken glass, a pungent odour of whisky and + Cologne water, a discoloured parcel of lace and a box of sodden + cigars.</p> + + <p>"I was never meant for a smuggler," he groaned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE BOOK OF ADVENTURE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh the glory of the trappers!</p> + <p class="i2">Oh to be as in this book,</p> + <p>Chasing things in furry wrappers,</p> + <p class="i2">Poking from their crevice-nook</p> + <p>Loudly though they squeak and grumble,</p> + <p class="i2">Squirrel fitch and Arctic cat</p> + <p>(<i>Editor:</i> "I do not tumble;</p> + <p>Will you please explain this jumble?"</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Author:</i> "I shall come to that").</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! (as I was just remarking</p> + <p class="i2">When you interrupted me)</p> + <p>Where the marabouts are barking</p> + <p class="i2">It is there that I would be;</p> + <p>Where on promontories stony</p> + <p class="i2">All the loud Atlantic raves</p> + <p>And the, if not very tony,</p> + <p>Still quite practical seal coney</p> + <p class="i2">Plunges in the wind-whipt waves.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where the graceful skunk opossum</p> + <p class="i2">And the stylish leopard mink</p> + <p>Scamper as you come across 'em,</p> + <p class="i2">Climb upon the cañon's brink,</p> + <p>Gambol with the pony musquash,</p> + <p class="i2">Claimed not for a collar yet—</p> + <p>Far away from London's bus-squash</p> + <p>And advertisements of tusk-wash</p> + <p class="i2">Are my yearning visions set.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If such dreams and such romances,</p> + <p class="i2">Editor and reader mine,</p> + <p>Have not filled your heart with fancies—</p> + <p class="i2">Silence and the lonely pine,</p> + <p>Distant snows that cool the fever</p> + <p class="i2">Of a weary world-worn soul,</p> + <p>There where life is no deceiver</p> + <p>And the wallaby-dyed-beaver</p> + <p class="i2">Makes a very natural mole—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you have not heard the calling</p> + <p class="i2">Of the lone, lone trail and far,</p> + <p>Where the animals enthralling</p> + <p class="i2">I have lately mentioned are,</p> + <p>Nature splendid and full-blooded,</p> + <p class="i2">Just a gun and pipe and dog</p> + <p>(How those avalanches thudded!)—</p> + <p>No? Why, then you can't have studied</p> + <p class="i2">Perkins' Bargain Catalogue.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/045.png"><img width="100%" src="images/045.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p class="center">DYSPEPSIA DE LUXE.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>BILLIARDS.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Herbert <i>v.</i> James.</font></p> + + <p>This match of a hundred up was played in the handsome saloon of the + "Leadswingers' Arms" yesterday afternoon before an unusually dense crowd, + who both came in just too late to secure the table. It is understood that + the game was arranged as the result of a heated discussion during lunch + the same day, in the course of which Herbert had the effrontery to tell + me—I mean, to tell James—that what I—that is, + he—knew about billiards wouldn't cover the pyramid-spot. James, who + some hours later thought of a perfectly priceless repartee, which he has + since forgotten, replied with dignity by challenging the other to an + immediate game. Herbert accepted and, hastily finishing their lunch, the + two repaired to the nearest billiard-room.</p> + + <p>"I'm not due back at the office for another twenty minutes, so we've + tons of time," observed Herbert airily as they entered.</p> + + <p>James looked at him, but said nothing. He had the better of the + opening manœuvres, however, for he secured the only cue that + possessed a non-flexible tip; Herbert's was at the best of the semi-rigid + type, a fact which impelled him to declare that the place would soon + resemble a popular tea-shop. Not being pressed for an elucidation of this + remark, he volunteered one. "No tips," he explained as he tenderly + chalked his.</p> + + <p>Herbert won the toss and elected to break with spot, which appeared to + be a rounder ball than its fellow. Taking a careful and protracted aim at + the red, he only missed the object-ball by inches, his own travelling + twice round the table before finally coming to rest in baulk.</p> + + <p>"Now then, Inman," he said, with a poor attempt at jauntiness, "score + off that if you can."</p> + + <p>James's reply was a calculated safety-miss, which only failed of its + intention in that it left his ball about an inch away from the middle + pocket. The closeness of the contest may be gauged from the fact that at + this stage the game was called (or would have been called if the marker + had not gone out to his dinner) at one all.</p> + + <p>"In off the white," declared Herbert, and promptly potted it. "Sorry," + he added almost before the ball was in the pocket.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/046-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>A MASTERLY TEN-SHOT, WHICH COLLECTED ALL THREE BALLS IN THE BOTTOM + RIGHT-HAND POCKET.</p> + + <p>[The continuous line shows the path of the striker's ball and the + dotted lines those of the object balls.]</p> + </div> + <p>For some time after this episode, <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page48" id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> which chilled the atmosphere + a trifle, the exchanges were uneventful. A slight tendency towards + "barracking" on the part of the crowd was quickly stifled, however, by a + brilliant effort from James, who by means of all-round play built up an + attractive break of 5.</p> + + <p>Herbert at once responded by taking off his coat, but for several + innings contributed nothing else of note except a powerful shot which + pocketed the red ball in the fireplace. After an agreement had at last + been reached about the rule governing this particular class of stroke, + both players settled down to their work and put in some useful breaks, + runs of 3, 7 and 4 by James being countered by 2, 5, 6 and 3 (twice) by + Herbert. The latter was the first to reach the 50-mark, an event which + the crowd signalised by hanging up their hats and advancing to the table. + When they were informed that the game was one of a hundred up, they + seemed disposed to argue the matter, and from this stage their attitude + towards the players became openly and impartially critical.</p> + + <p>The latter half of the match was marked by a somewhat peculiar + incident. With the game standing at 75 all Herbert made a stroke that + left the red hovering on the brink of a pocket. He waited anxiously, but + with no result. At this point one of the crowd emitted a prodigious yawn, + and it was the intense vibration set up from this act, so James declared, + that induced the ball to topple over into the pocket. In support of his + contention that no score should ensue he pointed to a framed copy of the + Rules of Billiards on the wall that balanced a coloured advertisement of + Tommy Dodd whisky, and recited the rule on vibration. Herbert strenuously + denied that any such phenomenon had taken place, and when James appealed + to its author he was met with such an outburst of elephantine sarcasm + that he refrained from further contesting the point.</p> + + <p>After this the luck of the play went against James, and when, the + marker having by now finished his meal, the score was actually called at + 90-99 in his opponent's favour, he might have been excused for giving up + the game as lost. With dogged determination, however, he faced the + situation. His own ball was somewhere near the centre, the red about + eighteen inches from the top left-hand pocket, and the white midway + between the right-hand cushion and the D. With an almost superhuman + stroke (but <i>not</i>, as was subsequently averred, with his eyes shut) + he smote the red, and his ball travelled rapidly up and down the table. + On the down journey it glanced off the white, after which, still going at + a tremendous pace, it made a complete tour of the table and concluded its + meteoric career in the bottom right-hand pocket. Meanwhile the red and + the white had both departed on voyages of their own, the terminus in each + case being the self-same pocket. (<i>See diagram.</i>) After the balls + had been taken out, examined and counted, and James's person had been + searched to see if he were concealing any, the marker pronounced this to + be a 10-shot, and the game was thus strikingly ended in James's + favour.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/046-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + + <p class="center">"<font class="sc">Hop it, Leander! The Hellespont's + down at the other end of the tank. This end's 'Fun at Flounder + Beach.</font>'"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Great Song of a Britisher is—</p> + <p>'There's No Place Like Home.'</p> + <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Stay at ——'s Hotel</font>,</p> + <p>And you'll Sing it and Realise it."—<i>South African Paper.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The mere selling of an article is a simple matter, but keeping the + customer sold is our principal aim."—<i>Advt. in West Indian + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/047.png"><img width="100%" src="images/047.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>First Novice.</i> <font class="sc">"Would you mind my passing, + please?"</font></p> + + <p><i>Second ditto.</i> <font class="sc">"Not at all—not at + all—if you don't mind using me as the handrail."</font></p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>MY DÉBUT IN "PUNCH."</h2> + + <p>I am, I hope, decently modest. When I said so once to Margery she + remarked that there was no need to make a virtue of necessity. But + younger sisters, of course...</p> + + <p>I came down to breakfast at my usual time—as the others were + finishing—and found a letter awaiting me. I opened it under the + usual fire of insults from Margery and John. To-day I ignored them, + however, and my young heart gave a small jump. I am a modest young + man.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter with you, little Sunbeam?" asked John (he is + Cecilia's husband, through no fault of mine). "Is the tailor more rude + than usual, or has she found out your address?"</p> + + <p>"The Vicar has asked him to sing at the Band of Hope," suggested + Margery.</p> + + <p>I commenced my breakfast.</p> + + <p>"What is it, Alan?" asked Cecilia.</p> + + <p>"Oh, nothing," I said easily. "The proof of a thing of mine that + <i>Punch</i> has accepted."</p> + + <p>They hadn't a word to say for a few seconds, then Margery + began:—</p> + + <p>"Poor old dear, it must be some awful mistake."</p> + + <p>I ignored Margery.</p> + + <p>"But, Alan darling, how beautiful! You've been trying for years and + years and now at last it has happened. I <i>do</i> hope it isn't a + mistake," said Cecilia anxiously. She was trying to be nice, you know. + I'm sure she was. I went on with my breakfast.</p> + + <p>"Well, John," said Cecilia, "can't you congratulate him, or are you + too jealous?"</p> + + <p>John sighed deeply and pondered.</p> + + <p>"Terrible how <i>Punch</i> has gone down since our young days, isn't + it?" he said heavily.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I spent a miserable time until it appeared. Somehow or other Cecilia + let the great glad news get about the village. Farley, our newsagent and + tobacconist, held me when I went in for an ounce of the usual mild.</p> + + <p>"So I 'ear you've 'ad a article printed by this 'ere <i>Punch</i>, + Sir," he said. "Somethink laughable it'd be, I suppose like, eh?"</p> + + <p>"Not half," I said, striving hard to impersonate a successful + humourist.</p> + + <p>"Ah, well, it's all good for business," he said, as one who sees the + silver lining. "I've 'ad quite a number of orders for the paper for the + next two or three weeks."</p> + + <p>I crept from the shop, only to meet an atrocious woman from "The + Gables," who stopped me with a little shriek of joy.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Mr. Jarvis, I've been dying to meet you, do you know. I always + have thought you so funny, ever since that little sketch you got up for + the Bazaar last summer. I said to my husband when I heard of your + success, '<i>I'm</i> not surprised. After that sketch, <i>I knew</i>.' + <i>Do</i> tell me when it's appearing. I'm sure I shall simply scream at + it."</p> + + <p>I escaped after a time and wondered whether it was too late to stop + publication of the horrible thing.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I came down to breakfast and found John with a copy beside him. I + looked at him.</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said, "the worst has happened. It is in print. We have been + waiting for you to appear."</p> + + <p>He turned the pages and cleared his throat.</p> + + <p>"I shall now read the article aloud," he said. "Each time I raise my + hand the audience will please burst into hearty laughter."</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <p>Margery giggled.</p> + + <p>"Cecilia," I said, rising, "if you don't control this reptile that you + have married, if you don't force him to hold his peace, if you allow him + to read one word, I'll throw the bread-knife at him and ... and pour my + coffee all over the tablecloth."</p> + + <p>"John," said Cecilia, "have a little thought for others and read it + quietly to yourself."</p> + + <p>Cecilia meant well, of course, but Margery giggled again.</p> + + <p>John read it to himself in a dead silence, sighed heavily and passed + it to Margery.</p> + + <p>"We shall never live it down," he said, putting his head into his + hands and gazing moodily at the marmalade.</p> + + <p>Margery read it and giggled three or four times; but Margery giggles + at anything.</p> + + <p>Cecilia read it and beamed.</p> + + <p>"Alan, dear," she said, "it's lovely! Of <i>course</i> they accepted + it. John, you wretch, say you liked it." (Cecilia can be a dear.)</p> + + <p>"Well, if I must tell the truth," said John, "it isn't quite so bad as + I expected. In fact I very much doubt whether he wrote it at all. If he + did—well, it's a marvellous fluke, that's all."</p> + + <p>I smiled.</p> + + <p>"You may smile, swelled-head," said John; "but I'll bet you five + golden guineas to a bad tanner you couldn't do it again."</p> + + <p>"Done," I said.</p> + + <p>After a few days, however, I realised that I had made a mistake. Even + a bad sixpence is worth something nowadays.</p> + + <p>Cecilia and Margery vied with each other in offering me the feeblest + suggestions for articles that they felt sure would reduce a rhinoceros to + hysterics. John presented me with a copy of <i>A Thousand and One Jokes + and Anecdotes</i> "to prove he was a sportsman," he said. I started to + look for a bad sixpence.</p> + + <p>Then Margery said to me:—</p> + + <p>"Why don't you write and explain the whole thing to the Editor and + offer to go halves if he prints it?"</p> + + <p>I looked at her in amazement.</p> + + <p>"You horrible little cheat!" I said.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>However, on thinking it over carefully there seems a lot to say for + the idea and it's really quite fair. Anyhow I can't possibly let John + win. So here's the story, and with any luck it will cost John five golden + guineas. But I shan't give the Editor half.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/048.png"><img width="100%" src="images/048.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Little Girl (rather sceptical about what she regards as her new + toy).</i> <font class="sc">"Put him on the floor, Mummy, and see if + he'll go."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>The Perils of Humour.</h4> + + <p>From <i>Punch</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'<font class="sc">The Profiteer's Anthem.</font></p> + + <p>The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do + well."'—<i>Rangoon Times.</i>"</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>From <i>The Manchester Evening Chronicle</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'<font class="sc">The Profiteer's Anthem.</font></p> + + <p>The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do + dwell."'</p> + + <p><i>Rangoon Times</i>, quoted in <i>Punch</i>."</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was reported to the Sanitary Committee yesterday that the + Inspector of Nuisances had made arrangements for the repair of the + meteorological instruments."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Judging by our recent weather, quite the right man to look after + it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a money-lender's circular:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Having been, perhaps, the richest nation in the world before the war, + and wealth being only comparative, it is our empirical duty to achieve a + like position again."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>So that's why they are "trying it on."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The news, says the Paris correspondent of <i>The Times</i>, in itself + is serious enough as showing the dangers of letting the Adriatic + settlement continue to be at the mercy of a coup de theatre or coup de + d'etat, whichever one may like to call it."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We fancy the Paris correspondent of <i>The Times</i> would prefer the + former.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/049.png"><img width="100%" src="images/049.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>EVEN-HANDED JUSTICE</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>As dispensed by the <font class="sc">Lord + Chancellor</font> and a predecessor</i>).</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Injured Parties</font> (<i>simultaneously</i>).</p> + + <p class="center">"OH! TO BE SMACKED BY THOSE WE LOVE DOTH WORK LIKE + MADNESS IN THE BRAIN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/050.png"><img width="100%" src="images/050.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>FRENZIED BOXING FINANCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Master of the Ceremonies.</i> <font class="sc">"Look 'ere! 'Fore + my man fights he wants two potties, three glassies an' a blood-alley; + an' I wants a packet o' fags for meself."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE BURIAL OF DUNDEE.</h2> + + <p>"Dundee is dead," said my wife, returning from her morning visit to + the kitchen.</p> + + <p>"I am very sorry to hear it," I replied, laying down the newspaper on + the breakfast-table, at which I still lingered; and indeed I was sorry. + Dundee had been our household cat from the earliest days of our married + life, from the time when he was a tiny kitten the colour of marmalade, + which had earned him his name.</p> + + <p>"Cook is very much upset," my wife continued.</p> + + <p>"Her distress does her credit," I answered.</p> + + <p>"She talks of leaving."</p> + + <p>I must confess with shame that a pang acuter than the first went + through me at the news, for Cook was one of those rare artists who + understands the value of surprise and never rides success to death.</p> + + <p>"Ask her to reconsider her decision," I said.</p> + + <p>"I have," said my wife, "and she remained immovable."</p> + + <p>"Perhaps when the first shock has worn off?"</p> + + <p>"There is just a chance."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I am sure you can persuade her," I concluded, preparing to leave + for my office.</p> + + <p>"Before you go," interrupted my wife, "what are we going to do about + the burial?"</p> + + <p>"How does one usually dispose of dead cats?" I asked. "I thought the + dustman—"</p> + + <p>"Out of the question."</p> + + <p>"I know it is forbidden by the by-laws of the Corporation, but a + shilling——"</p> + + <p>"How stupid you are! If anything were to decide Cook to go it would be + handing over Dundee's remains to the dustman. You know how particular + Cook is about funerals."</p> + + <p>I knew indeed. The rate of mortality among her friends and relations + was abnormally high, and on account, as I suspect, of her skill in + cookery she was in frequent demand as a mourner. By continual attendance + she had cultivated a nice sense of what was fitting on these occasions + and posed as an authority on the subject.</p> + + <p>"Very well, then, let's have him buried," I said.</p> + + <p>"Where?"</p> + + <p>"In our garden."</p> + + <p>"Who by?"</p> + + <p>"Palmer or Emily."</p> + + <p>Palmer and Emily are respectively the parlour- and house-maid.</p> + + <p>"Both would say it was not the work for which they were engaged. They + would leave at the same time as Cook, if I asked them."</p> + + <p>"Who else can we get?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Yourself," my wife made answer.</p> + + <p>"Me? But I can't be seen by all the street burying a cat." I should + explain that our only garden is in front of the house.</p> + + <p>"If you wait till it is dark you needn't be afraid of anyone seeing + you," protested my wife.</p> + + <p>"And run the risk of being detected by some suspicious policeman. No, + thank you."</p> + + <p>"Then if you won't do it yourself you must find someone who will. It + is our last hope of persuading Cook to stay."</p> + + <p>"By heaven!" I cried, looking at <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page54" id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> my watch, I am a + quarter-of-an-hour late. I must run."</p> + + <p>This was my customary device to evade the embarrassing dilemmas which + my wife not infrequently thrust upon me at this hour. So for the moment I + escaped. All day in the office I was fully occupied. From time to time + the memory of Dundee lying stark in the basement obtruded itself upon my + thoughts, but I dismissed the vision as one does a problem one has not + the courage to face.</p> + + <p>The problem remained unsolved when I stepped out of the train on my + return from the City. To gain time for reflection I resolved to make a + détour. As I struck into an unfamiliar side street, I looked up, and + there in front of me stood an undertaker's shop.</p> + + <p>The inspiration! I entered. From the back premises advanced to meet me + the undertaker, with a visage tentatively wobegone, not yet knowing + whether I was widower, orphan, businesslike executor or merely the + busybody family friend. I unfolded my difficulty. Beneath the outer crust + of professional melancholy there evidently seethed within the undertaker + a lava of joviality.</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Sir, certainly," he said. "It is not perhaps strictly in + my line, but one of my assistants will be delighted to earn an extra + shilling or so by obliging you. What name and address?"</p> + + <p>I joyfully gave both and made my way home.</p> + + <p>Midway through dinner came a ring at the front-door bell. Palmer + interrupted her service to answer, and returned to me with a card on a + salver.</p> + + <p>"A gentleman to see you, Sir," she announced.</p> + + <p>"How strange, at this hour! Who can it be?" asked my wife.</p> + + <p>"The gentleman to bury Dundee," I explained in a lowered voice, as I + passed the visiting-card, deeply edged with black, across the table to + her.</p> + + <p>Next morning my wife was able to announce that Cook had consented to + stay. The burial of Dundee by a real undertaker had gratified her sense + of the correct. I departed to the City filled with self-complacency.</p> + + <p>For a month I dwelt in this fool's paradise. Then one evening my wife + gently broke the news.</p> + + <p>"I have something serious to tell you. Cook has given notice."</p> + + <p>"Who is dead now?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"No one. She is engaged to be married."</p> + + <p>"Married?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, to the young undertaker."</p> + + <p>"What young undertaker?"</p> + + <p>"The one who buried Dundee."</p> + + <p>It was too true. At supper, after the inhumation, a mutual esteem had + sprung up that rapidly ripened into love. The enterprising young + journeyman, so enamoured of his calling that he consented to inter dumb + creatures in his leisure time, had evidently discerned in Cook, with her + wealth of funeral lore, a helpmeet worthy of himself; while Cook on her + side, conquered by his diligence and discretion, considered she had + secured a respectable settlement for life, with the prospect of obsequies + of the highest class for herself.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/051.png"><img width="100%" src="images/051.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Cheery Member (to Club pessimist</i>). "<font class="sc">Hullo, old + chap! Having a bad crossing</font>?" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>CLERICAL EDUCATION.</h3> + + <p>[The Rev. <font class="sc">Kennedy Bell</font>, in <i>The Daily + Sketch</i>, deplores the dreariness of parish magazines and suggests, + with a view to brighten their contents, that clergymen should serve an + apprenticeship on the daily Press.]</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Reverend Mr. <font class="sc">Kennedy Bell</font></p> + <p>Is wholly unable to say all's well</p> + <p>With the state of our parish magazines,</p> + <p>And is moved to indicate the means</p> + <p>Of making their pages bright and snappy</p> + <p>And bored subscribers cheerful and happy.</p> + <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span></p> + <p>Now the most original of his hints</p> + <p>For galvanizing these dreary prints</p> + <p>Is this: That every parson, before</p> + <p>He aspires to be parish editor,</p> + <p>Should join the staff of a leading daily</p> + <p>And learn to write genially and gaily.</p> + <p>It may be a counsel of sheer perfection,</p> + <p>And yet, perhaps, on further reflection,</p> + <p>We may admit that something is gained</p> + <p>By the plan of having clergymen trained</p> + <p>In the very heart of the Street of Ink</p> + <p>To paint their parish magazines pink.</p> + <p>So generous laymen may haply decide</p> + <p>That it <i>may</i> be worth their while to provide</p> + <p>Each <font class="sc">Kennedy Bell</font> with stepping-stones</p> + <p>To rise to the height of a <font class="sc">Kennedy Jones.</font></p> + <p>But others, a small and dwindling crew,</p> + <p>Possibly fit, but certainly few,</p> + <p>And cursed with a most pronounced capacity</p> + <p>For suffering from inept vivacity,</p> + <p>Would gladly be reckoned as unenlightened</p> + <p>Could they keep one class of journal un-"brightened."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/052.png"><img width="100%" src="images/052.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"My dear, you are not dancing.</font>"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">"No—most provoking. I mislaid my partner at + Paddington, and he hasn't the faintest idea where the dance + is</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE PASSING OF THE LITTER.</h3> + + <p>It happened only a couple of weeks ago, but the horrible memory comes + back to me as if it only happened yesterday. It was my own fault, because + with a telephone loose about the place one ought not to encourage other + pets.</p> + + <p>"Well," I said to Sibyl, "there we are, and we must make the best of + them."</p> + + <p>Sibyl sniffed as she usually does when these periodical occurences + happen in our house.</p> + + <p>"Which of them are you going to keep?" she asked, "and is it really + necessary to keep any of them?"</p> + + <p>"Well," I said; "but——"</p> + + <p>"What I mean to say," said Sibyl, "better do away with them when they + are quite young. It would be far more humane."</p> + + <p>"I am with you up to a point," I said; "I admit they are not a very + prepossessing lot."</p> + + <p>"How they came to be born at all is what I cannot understand," said + Sibyl, who is always like that when trying to be serious.</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "I have decided to keep one of them—No. 1."</p> + + <p>"But surely," said Sibyl, "that the most delicate one of the lot."</p> + + <p>That, I well knew, was quite true. Whether I should ever rear No. 1 + was a matter for time to prove. It was so delicate that once or twice + already it had been on the verge of collapse, but I had rallied it each + time.</p> + + <p>"As for the others," I said, "we shall have to get rid of them."</p> + + <p>I need not go into painful details, but the thing was easily done. + That very evening, unfortunately, through an oversight, No. 1 perished + also.</p> + + <p>For this I blame McWhirter.</p> + + <p>"The number of my bus is 21," he said in the theatre buffet that + night; "by the way what's yours?"</p> + + <p>"Whisky," I said absent-mindedly, "and not much soda."</p> + + <p>And it was only after I had drunk it that I realised my error. It was + then too late.</p> + + <p>And that is how New Year Resolution No. 1—the most delicate of + the litter—passed away at the early age of one week.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Plutocratic Sportsmen Again.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, set of gold clubs, with bag, for lady."—<i>Local + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + +<h2>LIFE.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">A Modern Novel—Spasmodic School.</font></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her parents were hygienic, so they never let a germ intrude</p> + <p>Within the cells and tissues of the girl they christened Ermyntrude;</p> + <p>They bathed her body every hour and all internal harm allayed</p> + <p>By pouring Condy's Fluid on her butter and her marmalade;</p> + <p>And when they dressed her took good care to tuck her chest-protector in—</p> + <p>Result, she grew up strong and fair as any peach or nectarine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She had no fear of lion or of tiger (in imprisonment)</p> + <p>And in an awful storm at sea she asked the mate what mizzen meant;</p> + <p>It was a plucky act; if I'd neglected to report it you'd</p> + <p>Never have known the depth and true dimensions of her fortitude.</p> + <p>If you remain agnostic, if you hold it still not proven, I'll</p> + <p>Give fifty more examples of her courage when a juvenile;</p> + <p>They lie in my portfolio, all printed, filed and docketed,</p> + <p>Including one in which a stick of dynamite she pocketed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">III.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She also painted: one could tell her pictures mid a billion,</p> + <p>So daubed were they with ochre blots and splashes of vermilion;</p> + <p>She claimed to be a connoisseur of <i>objets d'art</i> and curios,</p> + <p>But what attracted notice was her openwork and lury hose,</p> + <p>Fashioned in every colour from magenta down to cinnabar,</p> + <p>Suggestive of a rainbow or the various liquors <i>in</i> a bar.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">IV.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when she came to twenty-one, the age they call discretional,</p> + <p>The trooping of her followers was, in a word, processional.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">V.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But she disdained flamboyant types and snubbed the gay and gildy brand;</p> + <p>Instead she loved a decadent whose pagan name was Hildebrand,</p> + <p>Until that sad occasion when she met him coming back o' night,</p> + <p>His system loaded up with bhang and opium and aconite.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">VI.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An artist next attracted her; she turned on her cajoleries,</p> + <p>And soon in unison they laughed at other people's drolleries;</p> + <p>His speech was polychromous (as the speech of many a carman is);</p> + <p>He mostly talked of masses, lights, half-tones and colour-harmonies;</p> + <p>That was his doom, for one fine day he went to his sarcophagus,</p> + <p>The word "<i>chiaroscuro</i>" stuck deep down in his œsophagus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">VII.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I do not know; it may have been her hose that took poor Rendall in,</p> + <p>Who previously had flirted with her elder sister, Gwendoline.</p> + <p>This Rendall was a wholesale dealer, very rich and large in all</p> + <p>His habits, though he always said his profits were but marginal.</p> + <p>Well, Rendall kept on waddling round her, like a tired and tardy yak;</p> + <p>His movements showed beyond a doubt that his disease was cardiac;</p> + <p>He took her on the river; after thinking for a time, aloud</p> + <p>He said, "I will propose to you; that is, of course, if I'm allowed."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">VIII.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And she replied, "If I were going to propose, I'm blest if I</p> + <p>Would personate an elder who is just about to testify.</p> + <p>Now first of all I must remark that Love has come to grip you late</p> + <p>In life, but, passing over that, I've certain things to stipulate:</p> + <p>You must exhibit interest, as even Goth or Vandal would,</p> + <p>In curios and bric-à-brac, in ivories and sandalwood;</p> + <p>And you must cope with cameo, veneer, relief and lacquer (Ah!</p> + <p>And, parenthetically, pay my debts at bridge and baccarat).</p> + <p>I dote on Futurism, and so a mate would give me little ease</p> + <p>Whose views were strictly orthodox on <font class="sc">Myron</font> and <font class="sc">Praxiteles</font>.</p> + <p>You do not understand," she sneered, "so gross is your fatuity;</p> + <p>Well then, I answer 'No,' without a trace of ambiguity."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">IX.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And Rendall turned back sad at heart; but in a stride his honey-bee</p> + <p>Was in his arms exclaiming, "Then would wasted all your money be.</p> + <p>Come, I will take you with your faults and try to make the best of you;</p> + <p>Your purse is good; perhaps in time I may improve the rest of you."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">[<i>Publishers' Note</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Readers who are not sated yet and still for more are hungering</p> + <p>Will find Vol. II. describe how E. gave cause for scandal-mongering.</p> + <p>Vol. III. narrates how R. became enamoured of a fairy at</p> + <p>A ball, was robbed of all his wealth and joined the proletariat.</p> + <p>How E. washed clothes to earn her bread, while R. reclined in beery ease</p> + <p>Upon his bed, will be exposed in Vol. IV. of this series.</p> + <p>And further volumes show exactly what was worst and best in E.,</p> + <p>And how at last, aged eighty-four, she found her life's true destiny.]</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Side-Slip.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Just before the war we were in danger of having the ugly and even + abominable word 'aviator' fostered upon us. Just as that word seemed + victorious, <i>The Times</i> suddenly announced that it had decided once + and for all to use 'airman' instead, and there can be no doubt that the + example there set, which was copied by journalists on other papers, + secured the predominance of a good new English word over a deformed + importation."—<i>Times Literary Supplement</i>.</p> + + <p>"The volume contains some 500 portraits of New England + aviators."—<i>Same paper, same date, same page</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"QUARTER MILE CHAMPIONSHIP.—Record, Sgt. Smith (North + Staffords), 5 2-5secs.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wilkinson........ 1</p> + <p>Goddard.......... 2</p> + <p>Worsley.......... 3</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>An excellent win, Wilkinson putting in a wonderful spurt in the last + 30 years."—<i>Indian Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>From which we infer that he did not succeed in lowering Sergeant + Smith's remarkable record.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + +<h2>THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">I'll put it right.</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">"Plumber? Of course not—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"Horace, there's something wrong with the boiler. + Shall I get the plumber?"</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-6.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and a ladder—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-5.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-5.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and a hammer—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">Just get me a spanner—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-9.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-9.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and as many towels as you can find—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-8.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-8.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and a wooden plug or two—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-7.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and some string—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-C.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-C.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">the doctor."</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-B.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-B.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-A.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-A.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and all the blankets in the house—</font> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + +<h3>SHAKSPEARE THE TRADUCER.</h3> + + <p>The members of the League of Scottish Veterans of the World War met + recently in New York, and after "due deliberation" (<i>Query</i>, Can + Scotchmen deliberate "duly" in New York now?) passed a resolution + demanding that <font class="sc">Shakspeare's</font> tragedy, + <i>Macbeth</i>, be removed from the curriculum of English literature + studies in American schools.</p> + + <p>Apparently this was an example of "dry" Scotch humour. A neighbouring + city had previously banned <i>The Merchant of Venice</i> from its schools + on the ground that the character of <i>Shylock</i> was a libel on the + Jewish race. If Jewish children no longer had to pay for school editions + of <i>The Merchant of Venice</i> should Scottish infants still have to + squander their bawbees on a play that insulted their forbears? Perish the + thought! "We consider," they declared, "that if a Jewish gabardine is to + be cleaned by American Boards of Education the stain should likewise be + removed from the Scottish kilt." And if there are no reliable cleaners in + the U.S.A. it should be sent to Perth.</p> + + <p>The example thus nobly set is being widely followed. The members of + the Southern Jazz-band Union met yesterday way down in Tennessee, and + passed a resolution demanding the elimination of <i>Othello</i> from the + educational curriculum. The proposer declared with some heat that "no + coloured gentleman would spifflicate his missus wid a bolster on de word + of a mean white thief like dat <i>Iago</i>." The mere suggestion was dam + foolishness and an insult to the most prominent section of the freeborn + citizens of the U.S.A. "If dey gwine whitewash de Scotchman, why not de + man ob colour too?"</p> + + <p>At a representative meeting of Welshmen Mr. Jones ap Jones moved that, + as a protest against <font class="sc">Shakspeare's</font> treatment of + <i>Fluellen</i> and the Cymric vegetable symbol, <i>Henry V.</i> "be no + longer taught in Welsh schools or read at Jesus College, Oxford, + whateffer."</p> + + <p>At a recent meeting of the S.P.R. it was proposed by Sir A. <font + class="sc">Conan Doyle</font>, of Oliver Lodge, Ether, Surrey, "that the + Board of Education be asked, in the interests of scientific truth, to + suspend the teaching of <i>Hamlet</i> until the scenes in which the + <i>Ghost</i> appears shall have been emended in the light of modern + research by a committee of psychical experts appointed for the purpose. + The proposer quoted the line spoken by <i>Hamlet</i> to the + apparition:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and said he would like to substitute for it, "Be thou a subjective + hallucination arising from an uprush of inhibited emotional disturbance + from the subliminal consciousness, or the objectivisation of a telepathic + communication from the extra-corporeal sphere of being, or, finally, a + manifestation to sensory perception of some supra-normal undulatory + movement of the ether."</p> + + <p>He had always deprecated, he said, the meddling of untrained amateurs + with the details of psychic phenomena, and felt that the rule should be + made retrospective. An amendment was carried to add <i>Julius Cæsar</i> + and <i>Richard III.</i> to the motion for similar reasons.</p> + + <p>The Labour Party have decided to ask Mr. <font + class="sc">Fisher</font> to ban <i>Coriolanus</i> on the ground that many + of the speeches of the chief character betray an anti-democratic bias, + out of keeping with the ideals that should be set before the rising + generation. Phrases like "The mutable rank-scented many," applied to the + proletariat, could only foster the bourgeois prejudices of jaundiced + reactionaries and teach the young scions of the capitalist classes to + look down upon the manual worker.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For Sale Black Ebony Gentleman's Shaving Outfit."—<i>Local + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We gather that our coloured brother is about to grow a beard.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/055.png"><img width="100%" src="images/055.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>buying music</i>). "<font class="sc">Oh, and have + you got 'A Lover in Damascus</font>'?"</p> + + <p><i>New Girl.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, Ma'am, my fiancé was in + Mespot, but he's back in Brixton now</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>MODERN MOON-RAKERS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Porta</font>, the once notorious Michigander,</p> + <p>Who launched the now exploded solar slander,</p> + <p>Whereat ten thousand negroes stood aghast,</p> + <p>In one short month into oblivion passed,</p> + <p>But <font class="sc">Pickering's</font> momentous lunar screed</p> + <p>Proves the persistence of this wondrous breed.</p> + <p>Yet this in <font class="sc">Pickering's</font> favour let us state:</p> + <p>He has no scare or scandal to relate—</p> + <p>Nothing in any way that may impugn</p> + <p>The credit or the morals of the moon;</p> + <p>And on the other hand it does attract us</p> + <p>To learn that she is growing sage and cactus.</p> + <p>Hardly romantic vegetables, these,</p> + <p>And not so edible as good green cheese</p> + <p>Which nursery rhymers (banned by <font class="sc">Montessori</font>)</p> + <p>Associated with the lunar story.</p> + <p>Still <font class="sc">Pickering's</font> vegetable views are tame</p> + <p>Contrasted with Professor <font class="sc">Goddard's</font> aim;</p> + <p>For he, as from the daily Press we learn,</p> + <p>An obvious plagiarist of good <font class="sc">Jules Verne</font>,</p> + <p>Would have us build a Bertha fat enough</p> + <p>To send a charge of high explosive stuff</p> + <p>Across the intervening seas of space</p> + <p>Bang into Luna's unoffending face.</p> + <p>Meanwhile our own alert star-gazing chief,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Dyson</font> (Sir <font class="sc">Frank</font>), is rather moved to grief</p> + <p>Than anger by the astronomic pranks</p> + <p>Played by unbalanced professorial cranks,</p> + <p>Who study science in the wild-cat vein</p> + <p>And "ruin along the illimitable inane."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The New Naval Uniform.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">For Sale, Naval Cadet's (R.N.) Mess-dress</font>; 39 + inches side seam; pair cricket boots, purple velour hat, grey chiffon + velvet dress."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Suede Turnip</font>, best varieties."—<i>Advt. + in Tasmanian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>No kid about this offer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, at once, respectable Man for Polishing + Porter."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The manners of some of our porters notoriously leave much to be + desired.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/056.png"><img width="100%" src="images/056.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3> + + <p class="center">A SLIGHT ACCIDENT SECURES HIM A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION + TO THE MASTER.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>From Friend to Friend</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>) is the + name given, from the first of them, to a collection of eight fugitive + papers, prepared for republication by the late Lady <font + class="sc">Ritchie</font> during the last months of her life, and now + edited by her sister-in-law, Miss <font class="sc">Emily Ritchie</font>. + Fugitive though they may have been in original intent, these pages are so + filled with their writer's delicate and very personal charm that her + lovers will be delighted to have their flight thus pleasantly arrested. + Lady <font class="sc">Ritchie</font> was above all else the perfect + appreciator. <i>Horas non numerat nisi serenas</i>; the gaze that she + turns smilingly upon old happy far-off days looks through spectacles + rose-tinted both by the magic of retrospect and her own genius for + admiration. London, Freshwater, Paris, Rome—these are the settings + of her memories; and we see them all by a light that (perhaps) never was + on land or sea, in whose radiance beauty and wit and genius move + wonderfully to a perpetual music. In truth, however, these eminent + Victorians of Lady <font class="sc">Ritchie's</font> circle must have + been a rare company; I have no space for even a catalogue of + them—Mrs. <font class="sc">Cameron</font>, with her vague + magnificence, pouring letters and an embarrassment of gifts upon her dear + <font class="sc">Tennysons</font>; the <font class="sc">Kemble</font> + sisters, <font class="sc">Lockhart, Thackeray</font> himself, a score of + great and (to the kindly chronicler) gracious personalities live again in + her pages. I should add that the volume is rounded off by a short story, + a late addition to the <i>Miss Williamson</i> series, which might be + called a pot-boiler, were it not somehow incongruous to associate so + gentle a flame with any such activities. Slight as it is, <i>From Friend + to Friend</i> forms an apt and graceful finish to the work of one whose + life was given to the claims of friendship.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Fanny goes to War</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>) should be + read by those who also went and those who didn't. It is a chronicle of + the adventures of the First Aid Nursing Yeomanry in Belgium and + France—vivid; inviting wonder, laughter and sometimes tears; fresh + and delicious. The account of the first visit to the trenches awakens + memories. Viewed from this distance it seems all to have been so + picturesque, such fun! The humour of Thomas, the intelligence and tact of + the good French <i>poilu</i>, the awful moments and the wild jests in + between—these are all shown. The splendid humour with which "<font + class="sc">Pat Beauchamp</font>," the author, bravely endured her own + casualty with its distressing effects is typical in itself of that spirit + in the Anglo-Saxon race which made the Teuton race wish it hadn't. In my + view, the <i>obiter dictum</i> of an anonymous Colonel sums up the values + of this ladies' contingent better than does the preface of the + distinguished Major-General: "Neither fish, flesh nor fowl," said the + Colonel on having the constitution of this anomalous unit explained to + him, "but thundering good red herring!" Time was, I believe and hope, + when I myself, passing through the Base Port on leave and being full of + life and daring, have sighted a lady-chauffeur of a motor-ambulance and + have thrown a friendly glance, even a froward smile, at her. Waiving all + questions of propriety, I hope that this was so, and that the + lady-chauffeur was no less than "<font class="sc">Pat Beauchamp</font>" + herself, in the later stages of her career overseas. Though her only + response may have <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> been to splash mud over me, I should feel + happy, now, thus to have paid my respects to this gallant and + high-spirited lady. I count myself among the company, battalion, + division, corps and army of her admirers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It certainly does not seem eight years, yet it must be fully that, + since <font class="sc">Joseph Conrad</font> in <i>The English Review</i> + lifted a veil that lay between his admirers and an interesting + personality with the pleasantly discursive papers which form the basis of + the re-issued <i>A Personal Record</i> (<font class="sc">Dent</font>). + Between then and now <i>Chance</i>, that masterly but difficult book, has + by a curious freak of public taste given Mr. <font + class="sc">Conrad</font>, hitherto the well-loved favourite of the + relatively few, a much wider constituency. To these late comers, rather + than to the older (and of course superior) Conradists, who know it + already, let me recommend this rambling, which is by no means to say + aimless, account of the wanderings of the MS. of <i>Almayer's Folly</i>, + some queer entertaining scraps of the author's family history, a + description of the encounters with the original <i>Almayer</i>, and those + vignettes of Marseilles which obviously were used as the background of + <i>The Arrow of Gold</i>. This record is one of those quiet friendly + books that flatter the devotee by a sense of peculiar intimacy with his + hero. It is also engagingly characteristic. Mr. <font + class="sc">Conrad</font> here unravels the fine threads of his personal + history and philosophy with the same artful reserve and exquisite + elaboration with which he evolves the creatures of his resourceful + imagination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Life of Liza Lehmann</i> (<font class="sc">Unwin</font>), + written by herself, and finished, as her husband tells in a pathetic + foot-note, "scarcely two weeks before her death," is a book holding many + special bonds of association with <i>Punch</i>, not least the fact that + her father-in-law, Deputy <font class="sc">J.T. Bedford</font>, was the + author of that <i>Robert, the City Waiter</i>, who was among the most + famous and popular of Mr. Punch's early creations. The volume that the + writer has put together is the record of a busy, successful and, on the + whole, happy life, passed in the company of interesting people, about + many of whom Madame <font class="sc">Lehmann</font> has remembered some + entertaining story. Chiefly, as is natural, the persons recorded are the + musical folk of the last half-century, from <font class="sc">Jenny + Lind</font> to Sir <font class="sc">Thomas Beecham</font>; though in the + allied Arts I was taken by a pleasing and new anecdote of <font + class="sc">Robert Browning</font> reciting <i>How they Brought the Good + News</i> into an Edison phonograph, and overcome by loss of memory + halfway through the ordeal. One wonders if this rather surprising record + exists to-day. I am not going to assert that the non-technical reader may + not find the pages devoted to reprinted criticism rather over-numerous; + old newspaper files, like old theatrical photographs, too quickly fade. + But the author's humour endured; and I like to think that she could + appreciate a joke made at her own expense; witness her quotation from the + gushing friend who, at the moment of the first triumph of <i>The Persian + Garden</i>, overwhelmed the composer with the tribute, "<i>Do</i> let me + thank you! The local colour is <i>too</i> wonderful. I simply felt <i>as + if I was at Liberty's</i>!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>To the jaded reader I recommend <i>The Road to En-Dor</i> (<font + class="sc">Lane</font>) as a book which should undoubtedly stir him up. + It is the most extraordinary war-tale which has come my way. With such + material as he had to his hand Lieutenant <font class="sc">E.H. + Jones</font> would have been a sad muddler if he had not made his story + intriguing; but, anyhow, he happens to be a sound craftsman with a + considerable sense of style and construction. And he has a convincing way + of handling his facts that compels belief in the most incredible of + stories. Lieutenant <font class="sc">Jones</font> was a prisoner in the + hands of the Turks at Zozgad, and to amuse himself and his + fellow-prisoners he raised a "spook" which in time gained such a + reputation that it had the Turkish officials almost hopelessly at its + mercy. From being merely a joke his spook soon began to suggest, to him a + way of escaping from the camp, and then, in conjunction with Lieutenant + <font class="sc">C.W. Hill</font>, he worked it for all it was worth. His + record of their adventures and of the sufferings, physical and mental, + which they had to face is really astounding; but I fear it will be + received coldly by the psychist. Spiritualism, indeed, is treated with + scant respect, and whatever our own view of this vexed subject may be + most of us will admit that Lieutenant <font class="sc">Jones</font> has + considerable reason for his strong opinion.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>The Green Shoes of April</i> (<font class="sc">Hurst and + Blackett</font>) Miss <font class="sc">Rachel Swete Macnamara</font> has + got together quite a lot of people and situations that other novelists + have used before. There is the fine young Irishman soldiering in India, + the soulless actress who marries and leaves him, and the splendid Irish + girl, his true mate, whom he weds in happy ignorance of his first + partner's continued existence. But the hero has a maiden aunt, with a + story of her own, and the heroine a terrific grandmother who are Miss + <font class="sc">Macnamara's</font> creations, and as she makes wife + number one lie like a trooper in order to preserve the happiness of wife + number two a <i>soupçon</i> of freshness is imparted to the + <i>réchauffé</i>. Of course the well-meaning first wife is not allowed to + succeed in her efforts, and <i>Beau</i> and <i>Perry</i> (you would never + guess from that which was which, but in this case it doesn't matter) have + a very bad time indeed until, reassured by a friendly barrister, they + settle down again into wedded happiness. These are the confiding souls + whom novelists and lawyers love, and I can see Miss <font + class="sc">Macnamara</font>, by-and-by, getting quite a nice story out of + someone's attempt to oust their eldest son from his inheritance. I hope + she will.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/057.png"><img width="100%" src="images/057.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>FAIRY TALES REVISED.</h3> + + <p><i>Cassim Baba.</i> "<font class="sc">Ah! now I have it—'Open + Sesame!' Lucky thing I had that course of lessons in memory + training</font>."</p> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, January 21st, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16271-h.htm or 16271-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/7/16271/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/16271-h/images/000.png b/16271-h/images/000.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7752da3 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/000.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/002.png b/16271-h/images/002.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8801e78 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/002.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/042.png b/16271-h/images/042.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..970522f --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/042.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/043.png b/16271-h/images/043.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fdcb1f --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/043.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/045.png b/16271-h/images/045.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2fb712 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/045.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/046-1.png b/16271-h/images/046-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..59bfb59 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/046-1.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/046-2.png b/16271-h/images/046-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1e7f59 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/046-2.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/047.png b/16271-h/images/047.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97d8325 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/047.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/048.png b/16271-h/images/048.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1533f3f --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/048.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/049.png b/16271-h/images/049.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7123f4a --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/049.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/050.png b/16271-h/images/050.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..54b2962 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/050.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/051.png b/16271-h/images/051.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..75ce7b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/051.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/052.png b/16271-h/images/052.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fe026d --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/052.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-1.png b/16271-h/images/054-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..132ee12 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-1.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-2.png b/16271-h/images/054-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8eefda --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-2.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-3.png b/16271-h/images/054-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5594555 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-3.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-4.png b/16271-h/images/054-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..517750b --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-4.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-5.png b/16271-h/images/054-5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..493a9e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-5.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-6.png b/16271-h/images/054-6.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..375efaa --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-6.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-7.png b/16271-h/images/054-7.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..53d47a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-7.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-8.png b/16271-h/images/054-8.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3103575 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-8.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-9.png b/16271-h/images/054-9.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..74eaff2 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-9.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-A.png b/16271-h/images/054-A.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa69c82 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-A.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-B.png b/16271-h/images/054-B.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f18346 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-B.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/054-C.png b/16271-h/images/054-C.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..041ec75 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/054-C.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/055.png b/16271-h/images/055.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d37ca83 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/055.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/056.png b/16271-h/images/056.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dff4a9b --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/056.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/057.png b/16271-h/images/057.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..78614ad --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/057.png |
