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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/16271-8.txt b/16271-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b630d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2046 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 21st, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 21st, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 12, 2005 [EBook #16271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +January 21st, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that the Frenchman who lost his temper so completely during a +duel with pistols that he threatened to shoot his opponent will be +suspended from taking part in similar encounters for the next six months. + +* * * + +A man who had half a ton of coal delivered to him without warning has been +removed to an asylum, where he is being treated for coal-shock. + +* * * + +Wrexham Education Committee has decided not to have Welsh taught in the +elementary schools. Doubts have recently arisen, it appears, as to whether +it will ever be the chosen medium of communication in the League of +Nations. + +* * * + +"There is a movement on foot," says _The Daily Mail_, "to brighten the +dress of boys." Smith Tertius writes to say that, according to the best +opinion in his set, the waist should be worn fuller and less attention paid +to the "sit" of the shirt. + +* * * + +A man recently arrested in Dublin was found to have in his possession a +loaded revolver, three sticks of gelignite, four lengths of fuse, a number +of detonators and a jemmy. It is thought that he may have been dabbling in +politics. + +* * * + +"Demobilised men are doing such execution at the London World's Fair +Shooting Galleries," says a news item, "that the supply of bottles is +running short." Nothing, however, can be done about it till the PRIME +MINISTER returns from Paris. + +* * * + +"There is a proper time for the last meal of the day," says a medical +writer. We have always been of the opinion that supper should not be taken +between meals. + +* * * + +After addressing a meeting for two hours, says a contemporary, TROTSKY +fainted. A more humane man would have fainted first. + +* * * + +We feel very jealous of the suburban gentleman who wrote last week asking +what an O.B.E. was, and whether, if it was a bird, it should be fed on +hemp-seed or ants' eggs. + +* * * + +With reference to the wooden house which fell down last week, the builder +is of the opinion that a sparrow must have accidentally stepped on it. + +* * * + +Lord BIRKENHEAD describes the Coalition as an "invertebrate and undefined +body." Meaning that they have rather more wishbone than backbone. + +* * * + +An Indian native was recently sentenced to write a poem. In other countries +of course you commit a poem first and are sentenced afterwards. + +* * * + +Mr. F.H. ROSE, M.P., writing in _The Sunday Pictorial_, refers to the +Ministry of Munitions as "a veritable monument of superfluous futility." +For ourselves we don't mind futility so long as it isn't superfluous. + +* * * + +Will the lady who, during the Winter Sales' scramble, inadvertently went +off with two husbands please return the other one to his rightful owner? + +* * * + +Mr. J.H. SYMONS, the Weymouth draper novelist, has told a _Star_ reporter +that he only writes novels for a hobby. This sets him apart from the many +who do it with malicious intent. + +* * * + +A referee has lodged a complaint against the Football Club on whose ground +he was assaulted by several spectators who disagreed with his decisions. +Although sympathising with him we fear his attempt to rob our national game +of its most sporting element will not meet with general approval. + +* * * + +It is generally expected that, owing to the number of deaths from whisky +poisoning which have occurred of late, America may decide to go dry again. + +* * * + +It is reported on good authority that Mr. C.B. COCHRAN will visit America +daily until the signature of DEMPSEY'S manager is obtained. + +* * * + +LENIN, says a contemporary, has completed his plans for the overthrow of +civilisation. It seems that all our efforts to conceal from him its +presence in our midst are doomed to failure. + +* * * + +"A search for combined beauty and brains," says _The Daily Mail_, "has been +instituted by _The Weekly Dispatch_." We gather, however, that a good +circulation will also be taken into consideration. + +* * * + +According to the Technical Secretary of the Civil Aviation Committee a +vehicle has been designed which is equally at home in the air, on land, on +the water and under it. It is said to be distinguishable from Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL only by the latter's eloquence. + +* * * + +We understand that certain members of the betting classes have demanded +that the starting price for coal should be published each day in the early +evening papers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_Miles from anywhere._ + +_Tammas._ "COULD YE OBLIGE ME WI' A MATCH, SIR?" + +_Stranger._ "I'M AFRAID I'VE ONLY GOT ONE." + +_Tammas._ "AY--SHE'LL DO."] + + * * * * * + +A TRIUMPH OF REALISM. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "'FALLING WATERS.' 'Not a dry page in it.'" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW POLYGAMY. + + "The bride... carried a handsome bouquet of harem lilies."--_Local + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE BENEFITS OF PEACE + +(_as they appear to be viewed by certain unofficial guardians of public +morality_). + + When Peace superseded the strife and the stress + Which the public regard as a gift for the Press, + It was feared in the quiet that followed the storm, + With nothing to do but retrench and reform, + That the Town would be painted a colourless tint + And the printers have nothing exciting to print. + + That fear was unfounded, I'm happy to say, + And red is the dominant tone of to-day; + So far from incurring a shortage of news + While the place is made fit for our heroes to use, + We cannot remember a rosier time; + We have rarely enjoyed such an orgy of crime. + + There are scandals as nice for the reader to nose + As any old garbage of carrion crows; + Our mystery-mongers are full of resource; + There's a bigamy boom and a vogue of divorce; + To the licence of flappers we freely allude, + And we do what we can with the cult of the nude. + + No, the War isn't missed; there's a murrain of strikes + Where a paper can take any side that it likes; + We are done with denouncing the filth of the Bosch, + But we still have our own dirty linen to wash; + Though we trade with the brute as a man and a brother, + Our Warriors still can abuse one another. + + And if spicier features incline to be slack + There is always the Chief of the State to attack; + We have standing instructions to cake him with mud + And a couple of columns reserved for his blood. + Oh, yes, there is Peace, but our property thrives-- + We are having, I tell you, the time of our lives. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WANTED." + +HOLLAND. "SO YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE ME TO SURRENDER THE EX-KAISER?" + +ENTENTE POLICEMAN. "WELL, MA'AM, I DIDN'T GO SO FAR AS THAT. I ONLY _ASKED_ +YOU FOR HIM."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BALLYBUN LOTTERY. + + [_À propos_ of Premium Bonds it has been recalled that in his evidence, + given some years ago before a Select Committee, the then Under- + Secretary for Ireland stated that in that distressful country + "lotteries are very much used for religious purposes by people of all + denominations," and that "it would be flying in the face of public + opinion, especially of the great religious bodies, to interfere with + them."] + +Murphy has given up charity for ever. He was perhaps fuller of this virtue +than any other body in Ballybun, and his house was packed with things he +had won at raffles. When a brick tore a hole in the Orange drum our +Presbyterian pastor at once got up a bazaar for repairs to the chapel, and +Murphy won the finest silver tea-service this side of the Aran Islands. +Murphy knew no distinctions of race, creed or sex in the holy cause of +charity. When our Methodist minister, who is universally popular, as his +knowledge of a horse would be a credit to any denomination, got up an +Auction Bridge Drive in aid of the Anti-Gambling League, Murphy came home +with three pink antimacassars, a discourse by JEREMY TAYLOR and two months' +pay out of the pocket of McDougal, the organist, who seems to play cards by +ear. But Nemesis was lying in ambush for Murphy. + +Three old ladies in Trim decided to get up a Tombola for the poor this +winter, and of course they sent Murphy a sheaf of tickets. As lotteries are +illegal they, being pious, hated them; anyway they decided to call it a +Tombola. They got the whole of Ireland to send them prizes, articles of +vertu and bric-à-brac, and any other old things that are of no use to +anybody, The carriage on the stuff and the printer's bill nearly ruined the +charitable ladies, but, as they said, the Tombola would pay all the +expenses, and if they could knock any more out of it the poor should have +it. + +If you sold a dozen tickets you could keep the thirteenth for yourself, and +as Murphy, on account of his charity, was so popular he must have sold +hundreds. People seemed to have an idea that the raffle was for a gondola, +and they thought it would look beautiful on the pond in front of the Town +Hall. Unfortunately our local poetess confirmed this error by writing a +poem about it called "Italy in Ireland," which was produced in _The +Ballybun Binnacle_, with a misprint about the gondolier's "untanned sole," +which caused a fracas in the editorial office. + +Murphy explained to all concerned that perhaps his Italian was rusty, and +anyway his time was so taken up reading lottery-tickets and other +charitable literature that he never knew what it was all for. It was a +Tombola, however, this time, and not a gondola, they were subscribing for. +It was a kind of Italian lottery which the police didn't mind because the +prizes were not in money or anything of value, but just Old Masters and +brick-bracks. Murphy has such a way with him that the editor and the +poetess each took a dozen tickets. + +When the result of the draw was published Murphy won six prizes, but no one +grudged him them as he had taken so much trouble. The Grand Prize, a +"statue carved by an Italian artist, the finest bit of sculpture ever seen +in Ireland," was won by our popular grocer, Mr. McAroon. We were all +delighted. People trooped in crowds to McAroon's back-door after closing- +time to toll him so. The police took their names, but the magistrates, who +have a great respect for the fine arts, said that this was a day in the +artistic development of the Cinderella of the West which automatically and +_primâ facie_ regularised an extension of closing-hours. + +McAroon said that his religion did not run much to statues, but that, to +show his tolerance to all denominations, especially to those on his books, +he would have it unveiled by his Minister. He would invite the Bishop and +all men of goodwill to be present at the ceremony. He would place it in the +corner of his garden overlooking the esplanade, where it would cheer the +simple mariners coming home after their arduous fishing toils, and perhaps +remind one or two of them (but he would mention no names) of a dozen or so +of porter that had been left unpaid for after a recent wedding. + +The Ballybun express carries no goods whatever, except with the connivance +of the guard and driver, who are both very decent Ballybun boys, and will +bring anything down from Dublin for anyone. They promised to carry the +statue themselves from the railway station up to McAroon's house. If the +express was less than three hours late, which it was sure to be if it was +running smoothly, they could just beam-end the statue on its pedestal and +the presiding elder could unveil it with a hammer. + +The train was not too late, just punctually late, and the guard had time to +hurry the statue along through the biggest crowd we have had for years in +Ballybun. + +The Minister said that he would not open the case with prayer, because it +might give offence to friends of other Christian denominations; he would +just knock the front off and let this matchless piece of statuary from the +blue skies of Italy dazzle them with its beauty. It needed no words from +him, but he would just like to remind any of his flock present that the +collection next Sunday was for the heathen both at home and abroad. + +The statue then flashed out on us and left us breathless. + +It was the most scandalous thing ever seen in Ballybun; it was Venus rising +from the sea without a stitch. There she stood with one hand raised toward +the sky and the other pointing at the backs of all the pious people in +Ballybun as they hurried indignantly home. Some of them blamed McAroon, +while others said that Murphy knew all the time what a Tombola really was +and that he ought to be ashamed of himself. + +The Bishop ordered his people not to deal at McAroon's until Murphy had +removed the scandalous object. So many bitter things were said that +McAroon, who is obstinate when roused, vowed that as long as the sun shone +in heaven the lady should add lustre to his back-yard. The Minister however +tried to move him to a more prayerful spirit. + +McAroon said it wouldn't be right to smash up for firewood a marble statue +that had cost five hundred pounds if a penny. The clergyman said that if +everybody stopped away from his store he would lose more than that in a +year, and that in any case, if McAroon suffered, he would suffer in the +holy cause of charity. + +McAroon's piety was touched, and he said that in the interests of peace and +holy charity he would agree on a compromise. He had forsooth to keep his +vow and let the lady stop, but she had two outstretched arms and there was +always abundance of family washing on hand in the daytime at all events. +The clergy of all denominations agreed that his decision was in keeping +with the best traditions of a Family Grocer. + +Murphy and McAroon made it up publicly. Murphy asked how anyone in Ballybun +could possibly know the Italian bathing regulations. Italy was a godless +country; but "anyway," said he, "hear you me. I have suffered so much in +mind from this that I have done with charity for ever." + +Christian peace and friendship reign once more in Ballybun; but any visitor +who desires to see the beauties of Spagnoletti's famous masterpiece (what +McAroon calls his "Anna Dryomeny") without the washing to serve as a veil +must come by night and bring his own matches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MINISTERIAL ATTITUDE. + +_Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "NAH THEN--WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IN +THE 'OUSE O' COMMONS?"] + + * * * * * + +SO LONG. + + All coiled down, and it's time for us to go, + Every sail's furled in a smart harbour stow, + Another ship for us an' for her another crew; + An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you! + + Fun an' friends I wish you till the pay's all gone, + Pleasure while you spend it an' content when it's done, + An' a chest that's not empty when you go back to sea, + An' a better ship than she's been an' a truer pal than me. + + A good berth I wish you in a ship that's well-found, + With a decent crowd forrard an' her gear all sound, + Spars a man can trust to when it comes on to blow, + An' no bo'sun bawlin' when it's your watch below. + + A good Trade I wish you an' a fair landfall, + Neither fog nor iceberg, nor long calm nor squall, + A pleasant port to come to when the work's all through... + An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you! + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW POOR. + +"GOOD MORNING, MADAM. I DEAL IN CAST-OFF CLOTHING." + +"OH, HOW LUCKY! DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT WOULD SUIT MY +HUSBAND?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SMUGGLER. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +"If I am to be a bold bad smuggler, old scream," said Percival, packing +pyjamas and parcels into his bag, "I demand the proper costume and +accessories of the craft. No self-respecting smuggler can be expected to +run a cargo in a British warm and field-boots." + +"Of course, my swaggering buccaneer, if you want to do it in the grand +manner," answered Frederick, "I'll arrange for the saucy little cutter, the +sequestered cove an' the hard-riding exciseman with a cocked hat and +cutlass. But the simpler if less picturesque way is to dump your bag on the +counter at the Customs House and be taken with a fit of sneezing when the +Grand Inquisitor asks you if you have anything to declare." + +"Whereupon he'll hand me a quinine tablet and, when I show signs of +convalescence, repeat the question in a loud voice. And if I don't know the +correct answer I'll find myself meditating in Portland or Pentonville. +That's what I'm exposing myself to by obliging corrupt an' unscrupulous +friends," continued Percival bitterly. + +"Hang it!" expostulated Frederick, "the potty little bottle of scent I'm +asking you to deliver to my cousin Julia won't get you more than a +seven-days' stretch. And you've got _fourteen_ days' leave." + +"Well, I won't grumble about that, although I'd arranged my programme +differently. But what about the box of Flor Fantomas I'm taking for the +Major, and the bottle of whisky with which the skipper has entrusted me for +the purpose of propitiating his projected father-in-law, to say nothing of +the piece of Brussels lace which Binnie says is for his aunt. Their +combined weight will just about earn me a lifer. I can see me wiring the +War Office for an extension of leave on urgent business grounds--nature of +business, to enable applicant to complete term of penal servitude." + +"Don't, Percival, old crumpet," murmured Frederick, visibly affected; "the +thought of you languishing in a felon's cell, without cigarettes, gives me +a pain in my heart. Let me see what I can do for you." + +In a few minutes he was back, beaming. "I've fixed it all right, _mon +lapin_," he said; "if the worst comes to the worst they'll bail you out +with the Mess funds. But they won't accept further responsibility. The +Major says, if a fellow who's spent his whole career dodging duties can't +dodge the duty on a box of cigars he doesn't deserve sympathy." + +So Percival proceeded on leave with a heavy bag and a heavier conscience. +On the boat he was greeted hilariously by Gillow the gunner and Sparkes the +sapper, who invited him below to drink success to the voyage. In order to +give the voyage no chance of failure they continued to drink success to it +until the vessel backed into Folkestone Harbour, when they felt their +precautions might be relaxed. + +"Thanks to our efforts we've arrived safely," said Gillow as they strolled +up on deck; "but the sight of jolly old England doesn't seem to be moving +you to mirth and song, Percival. Why this outward-bound expression when +we're on the homeward tack, my hearty?" + +"It's the gnawing molar of conscience," said Percival ruefully; "I've got a +consignment of pink-ribboned parcels in my bag which I know to contain +contraband and which I also suspect--Frederick's and Binnie's anyway--to +contain amorous missives not meant for vulgar eyes. If I deliver the +parcels with the seals broken I shall get the glacial glare from the +damsels concerned, and when I get back scorpions and poisoned bill-hooks +will be too good for poor Percival." + +"Phew!" whistled Sparkes. "They go through your baggage with a fine +toothcomb nowadays. Couldn't you drop over the side with your bag and drift +ashore on a deserted beach, disguised as a floating mine?" + +"I've cut impersonations of hardware out of my _répertoire_ since the day I +failed to get past an R.T.O. disguised as a brass-hat," said Percival +sadly. "I suppose I must fall back on direct action. I've a feeling that +England expects every man this day to pay his duty." + +On the quay there was the usual mad charge of porters. Percival indicated +his bag to one of them with a distracted air, and followed him to the +Customs House guiltily. The porter dumped the bag before an official, who +had a piece of chalk hopefully poised between his fingers. + +"'Nything t' 'clare?" he asked, preparing to affix the sign which spelt +freedom. + +Percival blew his nose violently, hoping the chalk would descend to save +him the necessity of answering, but it remained poised in mid-air. + +"Anything to declare?" repeated the official, with emphasis. + +"Er," said Percival weakly--"nothing that you need worry about--only a few +presents." + +"I'll have to trouble you for your keys, then," said the incorruptible. + +Percival sighed dismally and produced them. Suddenly he noticed Gillow +declaring his baggage, and became so interested that he failed to perceive +that the official was in difficulties with the lock of his bag. + +"This the right key, Sir?" demanded the latter at length. + +"Oh, yes," said Percival absently. "But perhaps the bag isn't locked." + +The bag wasn't. It opened easily, and the official plunged into a welter of +articles of personal use; but no parcels or dutiable goods came to light. + +"P'raps you think it's a joke, wasting my time like this," snorted the +official indignantly. "All I can say is, it's an infernal bad one." + +"Awf'lly sorry," said Percival sweetly, as his eye followed Gillow, who had +emerged unchallenged. "I must have forgotten to bring the parcels I spoke +about." + +Smiling cheerfully, he directed the porter to place his bag by the side of +Gillow's in a Pullman, and took his seat with an expression of complete +content. + +"How fares the master criminal?" asked Sparkes. + +"A sympathetic friend took my troubles on his shoulders," said Percival, +"and got the parcels through with an effrontery which amazed me. I always +took him for an upright youth, too." + +"Who was it?" asked Gillow. + +"You! Didn't you notice you took my bag by mistake? But don't let it weigh +unduly on your conscience. Mine's clear anyway, and I feel that my troubles +are over." + +But it was not till he got home and opened his own bag that he discovered a +quantity of broken glass, a pungent odour of whisky and Cologne water, a +discoloured parcel of lace and a box of sodden cigars. + +"I was never meant for a smuggler," he groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE BOOK OF ADVENTURE. + + Oh the glory of the trappers! + Oh to be as in this book, + Chasing things in furry wrappers, + Poking from their crevice-nook + Loudly though they squeak and grumble, + Squirrel fitch and Arctic cat + (_Editor:_ "I do not tumble; + Will you please explain this jumble?" + _Author:_ "I shall come to that"). + + Oh! (as I was just remarking + When you interrupted me) + Where the marabouts are barking + It is there that I would be; + Where on promontories stony + All the loud Atlantic raves + And the, if not very tony, + Still quite practical seal coney + Plunges in the wind-whipt waves. + + Where the graceful skunk opossum + And the stylish leopard mink + Scamper as you come across 'em, + Climb upon the cañon's brink, + Gambol with the pony musquash, + Claimed not for a collar yet-- + Far away from London's bus-squash + And advertisements of tusk-wash + Are my yearning visions set. + + If such dreams and such romances, + Editor and reader mine, + Have not filled your heart with fancies-- + Silence and the lonely pine, + Distant snows that cool the fever + Of a weary world-worn soul, + There where life is no deceiver + And the wallaby-dyed-beaver + Makes a very natural mole-- + + If you have not heard the calling + Of the lone, lone trail and far, + Where the animals enthralling + I have lately mentioned are, + Nature splendid and full-blooded, + Just a gun and pipe and dog + (How those avalanches thudded!)-- + No? Why, then you can't have studied + Perkins' Bargain Catalogue. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +DYSPEPSIA DE LUXE.] + + * * * * * + +BILLIARDS. + +HERBERT _V._ JAMES. + +This match of a hundred up was played in the handsome saloon of the +"Leadswingers' Arms" yesterday afternoon before an unusually dense crowd, +who both came in just too late to secure the table. It is understood that +the game was arranged as the result of a heated discussion during lunch the +same day, in the course of which Herbert had the effrontery to tell me--I +mean, to tell James--that what I--that is, he--knew about billiards +wouldn't cover the pyramid-spot. James, who some hours later thought of a +perfectly priceless repartee, which he has since forgotten, replied with +dignity by challenging the other to an immediate game. Herbert accepted +and, hastily finishing their lunch, the two repaired to the nearest +billiard-room. + +"I'm not due back at the office for another twenty minutes, so we've tons +of time," observed Herbert airily as they entered. + +James looked at him, but said nothing. He had the better of the opening +manoeuvres, however, for he secured the only cue that possessed a +non-flexible tip; Herbert's was at the best of the semi-rigid type, a fact +which impelled him to declare that the place would soon resemble a popular +tea-shop. Not being pressed for an elucidation of this remark, he +volunteered one. "No tips," he explained as he tenderly chalked his. + +Herbert won the toss and elected to break with spot, which appeared to be a +rounder ball than its fellow. Taking a careful and protracted aim at the +red, he only missed the object-ball by inches, his own travelling twice +round the table before finally coming to rest in baulk. + +"Now then, Inman," he said, with a poor attempt at jauntiness, "score off +that if you can." + +James's reply was a calculated safety-miss, which only failed of its +intention in that it left his ball about an inch away from the middle +pocket. The closeness of the contest may be gauged from the fact that at +this stage the game was called (or would have been called if the marker had +not gone out to his dinner) at one all. + +"In off the white," declared Herbert, and promptly potted it. "Sorry," he +added almost before the ball was in the pocket. + +[Illustration: A MASTERLY TEN-SHOT, WHICH COLLECTED ALL THREE BALLS IN THE +BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND POCKET. + +[The continuous line shows the path of the striker's ball and the dotted +lines those of the object balls.]] + +For some time after this episode, which chilled the atmosphere a trifle, +the exchanges were uneventful. A slight tendency towards "barracking" on +the part of the crowd was quickly stifled, however, by a brilliant effort +from James, who by means of all-round play built up an attractive break of +5. + +Herbert at once responded by taking off his coat, but for several innings +contributed nothing else of note except a powerful shot which pocketed the +red ball in the fireplace. After an agreement had at last been reached +about the rule governing this particular class of stroke, both players +settled down to their work and put in some useful breaks, runs of 3, 7 and +4 by James being countered by 2, 5, 6 and 3 (twice) by Herbert. The latter +was the first to reach the 50-mark, an event which the crowd signalised by +hanging up their hats and advancing to the table. When they were informed +that the game was one of a hundred up, they seemed disposed to argue the +matter, and from this stage their attitude towards the players became +openly and impartially critical. + +The latter half of the match was marked by a somewhat peculiar incident. +With the game standing at 75 all Herbert made a stroke that left the red +hovering on the brink of a pocket. He waited anxiously, but with no result. +At this point one of the crowd emitted a prodigious yawn, and it was the +intense vibration set up from this act, so James declared, that induced the +ball to topple over into the pocket. In support of his contention that no +score should ensue he pointed to a framed copy of the Rules of Billiards on +the wall that balanced a coloured advertisement of Tommy Dodd whisky, and +recited the rule on vibration. Herbert strenuously denied that any such +phenomenon had taken place, and when James appealed to its author he was +met with such an outburst of elephantine sarcasm that he refrained from +further contesting the point. + +After this the luck of the play went against James, and when, the marker +having by now finished his meal, the score was actually called at 90-99 in +his opponent's favour, he might have been excused for giving up the game as +lost. With dogged determination, however, he faced the situation. His own +ball was somewhere near the centre, the red about eighteen inches from the +top left-hand pocket, and the white midway between the right-hand cushion +and the D. With an almost superhuman stroke (but _not_, as was subsequently +averred, with his eyes shut) he smote the red, and his ball travelled +rapidly up and down the table. On the down journey it glanced off the +white, after which, still going at a tremendous pace, it made a complete +tour of the table and concluded its meteoric career in the bottom +right-hand pocket. Meanwhile the red and the white had both departed on +voyages of their own, the terminus in each case being the self-same pocket. +(_See diagram._) After the balls had been taken out, examined and counted, +and James's person had been searched to see if he were concealing any, the +marker pronounced this to be a 10-shot, and the game was thus strikingly +ended in James's favour. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"HOP IT, LEANDER! THE HELLESPONT'S DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE TANK. THIS +END'S 'FUN AT FLOUNDER BEACH.'"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The Great Song of a Britisher is-- + 'There's No Place Like Home.' + STAY AT ----'S HOTEL, + And you'll Sing it and Realise it."--_South African Paper._ + + "The mere selling of an article is a simple matter, but keeping the + customer sold is our principal aim."--_Advt. in West Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Novice._ "WOULD YOU MIND MY PASSING, PLEASE?" + +_Second ditto._ "NOT AT ALL--NOT AT ALL--IF YOU DON'T MIND USING ME AS THE +HANDRAIL."] + + * * * * * + +MY DÉBUT IN "PUNCH." + +I am, I hope, decently modest. When I said so once to Margery she remarked +that there was no need to make a virtue of necessity. But younger sisters, +of course... + +I came down to breakfast at my usual time--as the others were finishing-- +and found a letter awaiting me. I opened it under the usual fire of insults +from Margery and John. To-day I ignored them, however, and my young heart +gave a small jump. I am a modest young man. + +"What's the matter with you, little Sunbeam?" asked John (he is Cecilia's +husband, through no fault of mine). "Is the tailor more rude than usual, or +has she found out your address?" + +"The Vicar has asked him to sing at the Band of Hope," suggested Margery. + +I commenced my breakfast. + +"What is it, Alan?" asked Cecilia. + +"Oh, nothing," I said easily. "The proof of a thing of mine that _Punch_ +has accepted." + +They hadn't a word to say for a few seconds, then Margery began:-- + +"Poor old dear, it must be some awful mistake." + +I ignored Margery. + +"But, Alan darling, how beautiful! You've been trying for years and years +and now at last it has happened. I _do_ hope it isn't a mistake," said +Cecilia anxiously. She was trying to be nice, you know. I'm sure she was. I +went on with my breakfast. + +"Well, John," said Cecilia, "can't you congratulate him, or are you too +jealous?" + +John sighed deeply and pondered. + +"Terrible how _Punch_ has gone down since our young days, isn't it?" he +said heavily. + + * * * * * + +I spent a miserable time until it appeared. Somehow or other Cecilia let +the great glad news get about the village. Farley, our newsagent and +tobacconist, held me when I went in for an ounce of the usual mild. + +"So I 'ear you've 'ad a article printed by this 'ere _Punch_, Sir," he +said. "Somethink laughable it'd be, I suppose like, eh?" + +"Not half," I said, striving hard to impersonate a successful humourist. + +"Ah, well, it's all good for business," he said, as one who sees the silver +lining. "I've 'ad quite a number of orders for the paper for the next two +or three weeks." + +I crept from the shop, only to meet an atrocious woman from "The Gables," +who stopped me with a little shriek of joy. + +"Oh, Mr. Jarvis, I've been dying to meet you, do you know. I always have +thought you so funny, ever since that little sketch you got up for the +Bazaar last summer. I said to my husband when I heard of your success, +'_I'm_ not surprised. After that sketch, _I knew_.' _Do_ tell me when it's +appearing. I'm sure I shall simply scream at it." + +I escaped after a time and wondered whether it was too late to stop +publication of the horrible thing. + + * * * * * + +I came down to breakfast and found John with a copy beside him. I looked at +him. + +"Yes," he said, "the worst has happened. It is in print. We have been +waiting for you to appear." + +He turned the pages and cleared his throat. + +"I shall now read the article aloud," he said. "Each time I raise my hand +the audience will please burst into hearty laughter." + +Margery giggled. + +"Cecilia," I said, rising, "if you don't control this reptile that you have +married, if you don't force him to hold his peace, if you allow him to read +one word, I'll throw the bread-knife at him and ... and pour my coffee all +over the tablecloth." + +"John," said Cecilia, "have a little thought for others and read it quietly +to yourself." + +Cecilia meant well, of course, but Margery giggled again. + +John read it to himself in a dead silence, sighed heavily and passed it to +Margery. + +"We shall never live it down," he said, putting his head into his hands and +gazing moodily at the marmalade. + +Margery read it and giggled three or four times; but Margery giggles at +anything. + +Cecilia read it and beamed. + +"Alan, dear," she said, "it's lovely! Of _course_ they accepted it. John, +you wretch, say you liked it." (Cecilia can be a dear.) + +"Well, if I must tell the truth," said John, "it isn't quite so bad as I +expected. In fact I very much doubt whether he wrote it at all. If he +did--well, it's a marvellous fluke, that's all." + +I smiled. + +"You may smile, swelled-head," said John; "but I'll bet you five golden +guineas to a bad tanner you couldn't do it again." + +"Done," I said. + +After a few days, however, I realised that I had made a mistake. Even a bad +sixpence is worth something nowadays. + +Cecilia and Margery vied with each other in offering me the feeblest +suggestions for articles that they felt sure would reduce a rhinoceros to +hysterics. John presented me with a copy of _A Thousand and One Jokes and +Anecdotes_ "to prove he was a sportsman," he said. I started to look for a +bad sixpence. + +Then Margery said to me:-- + +"Why don't you write and explain the whole thing to the Editor and offer to +go halves if he prints it?" + +I looked at her in amazement. + +"You horrible little cheat!" I said. + + * * * * * + +However, on thinking it over carefully there seems a lot to say for the +idea and it's really quite fair. Anyhow I can't possibly let John win. So +here's the story, and with any luck it will cost John five golden guineas. +But I shan't give the Editor half. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (rather sceptical about what she regards as her +new toy)._ "PUT HIM ON THE FLOOR, MUMMY, AND SEE IF HE'LL GO."] + + * * * * * + +THE PERILS OF HUMOUR. + +From _Punch_:-- + + "'THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do well."'-- + _Rangoon Times._" + +From _The Manchester Evening Chronicle_:-- + + "'THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do dwell."' + + _Rangoon Times_, quoted in _Punch_." + + * * * * * + + "It was reported to the Sanitary Committee yesterday that the Inspector + of Nuisances had made arrangements for the repair of the meteorological + instruments."--_Local Paper._ + +Judging by our recent weather, quite the right man to look after it. + + * * * * * + +From a money-lender's circular:-- + + "Having been, perhaps, the richest nation in the world before the war, + and wealth being only comparative, it is our empirical duty to achieve + a like position again." + +So that's why they are "trying it on." + + * * * * * + + "The news, says the Paris correspondent of _The Times_, in itself is + serious enough as showing the dangers of letting the Adriatic + settlement continue to be at the mercy of a coup de theatre or coup de + d'etat, whichever one may like to call it."--_Evening Paper._ + +We fancy the Paris correspondent of _The Times_ would prefer the former. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVEN-HANDED JUSTICE + +(_As dispensed by the LORD CHANCELLOR and a predecessor_). + +INJURED PARTIES (_simultaneously_). + +"OH! TO BE SMACKED BY THOSE WE LOVE DOTH WORK LIKE MADNESS IN THE BRAIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENZIED BOXING FINANCE. + +_Master of the Ceremonies._ "LOOK 'ERE! 'FORE MY MAN FIGHTS HE WANTS TWO +POTTIES, THREE GLASSIES AN' A BLOOD-ALLEY; AN' I WANTS A PACKET O' FAGS FOR +MESELF."] + + * * * * * + +THE BURIAL OF DUNDEE. + +"Dundee is dead," said my wife, returning from her morning visit to the +kitchen. + +"I am very sorry to hear it," I replied, laying down the newspaper on the +breakfast-table, at which I still lingered; and indeed I was sorry. Dundee +had been our household cat from the earliest days of our married life, from +the time when he was a tiny kitten the colour of marmalade, which had +earned him his name. + +"Cook is very much upset," my wife continued. + +"Her distress does her credit," I answered. + +"She talks of leaving." + +I must confess with shame that a pang acuter than the first went through me +at the news, for Cook was one of those rare artists who understands the +value of surprise and never rides success to death. + +"Ask her to reconsider her decision," I said. + +"I have," said my wife, "and she remained immovable." + +"Perhaps when the first shock has worn off?" + +"There is just a chance." + +"Yes, I am sure you can persuade her," I concluded, preparing to leave for +my office. + +"Before you go," interrupted my wife, "what are we going to do about the +burial?" + +"How does one usually dispose of dead cats?" I asked. "I thought the +dustman--" + +"Out of the question." + +"I know it is forbidden by the by-laws of the Corporation, but a shilling +----" + +"How stupid you are! If anything were to decide Cook to go it would be +handing over Dundee's remains to the dustman. You know how particular Cook +is about funerals." + +I knew indeed. The rate of mortality among her friends and relations was +abnormally high, and on account, as I suspect, of her skill in cookery she +was in frequent demand as a mourner. By continual attendance she had +cultivated a nice sense of what was fitting on these occasions and posed as +an authority on the subject. + +"Very well, then, let's have him buried," I said. + +"Where?" + +"In our garden." + +"Who by?" + +"Palmer or Emily." + +Palmer and Emily are respectively the parlour- and house-maid. + +"Both would say it was not the work for which they were engaged. They would +leave at the same time as Cook, if I asked them." + +"Who else can we get?" I asked. + +"Yourself," my wife made answer. + +"Me? But I can't be seen by all the street burying a cat." I should explain +that our only garden is in front of the house. + +"If you wait till it is dark you needn't be afraid of anyone seeing you," +protested my wife. + +"And run the risk of being detected by some suspicious policeman. No, thank +you." + +"Then if you won't do it yourself you must find someone who will. It is our +last hope of persuading Cook to stay." + +"By heaven!" I cried, looking at my watch, I am a quarter-of-an-hour late. +I must run." + +This was my customary device to evade the embarrassing dilemmas which my +wife not infrequently thrust upon me at this hour. So for the moment I +escaped. All day in the office I was fully occupied. From time to time the +memory of Dundee lying stark in the basement obtruded itself upon my +thoughts, but I dismissed the vision as one does a problem one has not the +courage to face. + +The problem remained unsolved when I stepped out of the train on my return +from the City. To gain time for reflection I resolved to make a détour. As +I struck into an unfamiliar side street, I looked up, and there in front of +me stood an undertaker's shop. + +The inspiration! I entered. From the back premises advanced to meet me the +undertaker, with a visage tentatively wobegone, not yet knowing whether I +was widower, orphan, businesslike executor or merely the busybody family +friend. I unfolded my difficulty. Beneath the outer crust of professional +melancholy there evidently seethed within the undertaker a lava of +joviality. + +"Certainly, Sir, certainly," he said. "It is not perhaps strictly in my +line, but one of my assistants will be delighted to earn an extra shilling +or so by obliging you. What name and address?" + +I joyfully gave both and made my way home. + +Midway through dinner came a ring at the front-door bell. Palmer +interrupted her service to answer, and returned to me with a card on a +salver. + +"A gentleman to see you, Sir," she announced. + +"How strange, at this hour! Who can it be?" asked my wife. + +"The gentleman to bury Dundee," I explained in a lowered voice, as I passed +the visiting-card, deeply edged with black, across the table to her. + +Next morning my wife was able to announce that Cook had consented to stay. +The burial of Dundee by a real undertaker had gratified her sense of the +correct. I departed to the City filled with self-complacency. + +For a month I dwelt in this fool's paradise. Then one evening my wife +gently broke the news. + +"I have something serious to tell you. Cook has given notice." + +"Who is dead now?" I asked. + +"No one. She is engaged to be married." + +"Married?" + +"Yes, to the young undertaker." + +"What young undertaker?" + +"The one who buried Dundee." + +It was too true. At supper, after the inhumation, a mutual esteem had +sprung up that rapidly ripened into love. The enterprising young +journeyman, so enamoured of his calling that he consented to inter dumb +creatures in his leisure time, had evidently discerned in Cook, with her +wealth of funeral lore, a helpmeet worthy of himself; while Cook on her +side, conquered by his diligence and discretion, considered she had secured +a respectable settlement for life, with the prospect of obsequies of the +highest class for herself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cheery Member (to Club pessimist_). "HULLO, OLD CHAP! +HAVING A BAD CROSSING?"] + + * * * * * + +CLERICAL EDUCATION. + +[The Rev. KENNEDY BELL, in _The Daily Sketch_, deplores the dreariness of +parish magazines and suggests, with a view to brighten their contents, that +clergymen should serve an apprenticeship on the daily Press.] + + The Reverend Mr. KENNEDY BELL + Is wholly unable to say all's well + With the state of our parish magazines, + And is moved to indicate the means + Of making their pages bright and snappy + And bored subscribers cheerful and happy. + Now the most original of his hints + For galvanizing these dreary prints + Is this: That every parson, before + He aspires to be parish editor, + Should join the staff of a leading daily + And learn to write genially and gaily. + It may be a counsel of sheer perfection, + And yet, perhaps, on further reflection, + We may admit that something is gained + By the plan of having clergymen trained + In the very heart of the Street of Ink + To paint their parish magazines pink. + So generous laymen may haply decide + That it _may_ be worth their while to provide + Each KENNEDY BELL with stepping-stones + To rise to the height of a KENNEDY JONES. + But others, a small and dwindling crew, + Possibly fit, but certainly few, + And cursed with a most pronounced capacity + For suffering from inept vivacity, + Would gladly be reckoned as unenlightened + Could they keep one class of journal un-"brightened." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MY DEAR, YOU ARE NOT DANCING." + +"NO--MOST PROVOKING. I MISLAID MY PARTNER AT PADDINGTON, AND HE HASN'T THE +FAINTEST IDEA WHERE THE DANCE IS."] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF THE LITTER. + +It happened only a couple of weeks ago, but the horrible memory comes back +to me as if it only happened yesterday. It was my own fault, because with a +telephone loose about the place one ought not to encourage other pets. + +"Well," I said to Sibyl, "there we are, and we must make the best of them." + +Sibyl sniffed as she usually does when these periodical occurences happen +in our house. + +"Which of them are you going to keep?" she asked, "and is it really +necessary to keep any of them?" + +"Well," I said; "but----" + +"What I mean to say," said Sibyl, "better do away with them when they are +quite young. It would be far more humane." + +"I am with you up to a point," I said; "I admit they are not a very +prepossessing lot." + +"How they came to be born at all is what I cannot understand," said Sibyl, +who is always like that when trying to be serious. + +"Well," I said, "I have decided to keep one of them--No. 1." + +"But surely," said Sibyl, "that the most delicate one of the lot." + +That, I well knew, was quite true. Whether I should ever rear No. 1 was a +matter for time to prove. It was so delicate that once or twice already it +had been on the verge of collapse, but I had rallied it each time. + +"As for the others," I said, "we shall have to get rid of them." + +I need not go into painful details, but the thing was easily done. That +very evening, unfortunately, through an oversight, No. 1 perished also. + +For this I blame McWhirter. + +"The number of my bus is 21," he said in the theatre buffet that night; "by +the way what's yours?" + +"Whisky," I said absent-mindedly, "and not much soda." + +And it was only after I had drunk it that I realised my error. It was then +too late. + +And that is how New Year Resolution No. 1--the most delicate of the +litter--passed away at the early age of one week. + + * * * * * + +OUR PLUTOCRATIC SPORTSMEN AGAIN. + + "Wanted, set of gold clubs, with bag, for lady."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + +LIFE. + +A MODERN NOVEL--SPASMODIC SCHOOL. + + I. + + Her parents were hygienic, so they never let a germ intrude + Within the cells and tissues of the girl they christened Ermyntrude; + They bathed her body every hour and all internal harm allayed + By pouring Condy's Fluid on her butter and her marmalade; + And when they dressed her took good care to tuck her chest-protector in-- + Result, she grew up strong and fair as any peach or nectarine. + + II. + + She had no fear of lion or of tiger (in imprisonment) + And in an awful storm at sea she asked the mate what mizzen meant; + It was a plucky act; if I'd neglected to report it you'd + Never have known the depth and true dimensions of her fortitude. + If you remain agnostic, if you hold it still not proven, I'll + Give fifty more examples of her courage when a juvenile; + They lie in my portfolio, all printed, filed and docketed, + Including one in which a stick of dynamite she pocketed. + + III. + + She also painted: one could tell her pictures mid a billion, + So daubed were they with ochre blots and splashes of vermilion; + She claimed to be a connoisseur of _objets d'art_ and curios, + But what attracted notice was her openwork and lury hose, + Fashioned in every colour from magenta down to cinnabar, + Suggestive of a rainbow or the various liquors _in_ a bar. + + IV. + + So when she came to twenty-one, the age they call discretional, + The trooping of her followers was, in a word, processional. + + V. + + But she disdained flamboyant types and snubbed the gay and gildy brand; + Instead she loved a decadent whose pagan name was Hildebrand, + Until that sad occasion when she met him coming back o' night, + His system loaded up with bhang and opium and aconite. + + VI. + + An artist next attracted her; she turned on her cajoleries, + And soon in unison they laughed at other people's drolleries; + His speech was polychromous (as the speech of many a carman is); + He mostly talked of masses, lights, half-tones and colour-harmonies; + That was his doom, for one fine day he went to his sarcophagus, + The word "_chiaroscuro_" stuck deep down in his oesophagus. + + VII. + + I do not know; it may have been her hose that took poor Rendall in, + Who previously had flirted with her elder sister, Gwendoline. + This Rendall was a wholesale dealer, very rich and large in all + His habits, though he always said his profits were but marginal. + Well, Rendall kept on waddling round her, like a tired and tardy yak; + His movements showed beyond a doubt that his disease was cardiac; + He took her on the river; after thinking for a time, aloud + He said, "I will propose to you; that is, of course, if I'm allowed." + + VIII. + + And she replied, "If I were going to propose, I'm blest if I + Would personate an elder who is just about to testify. + Now first of all I must remark that Love has come to grip you late + In life, but, passing over that, I've certain things to stipulate: + You must exhibit interest, as even Goth or Vandal would, + In curios and bric-à-brac, in ivories and sandalwood; + And you must cope with cameo, veneer, relief and lacquer (Ah! + And, parenthetically, pay my debts at bridge and baccarat). + I dote on Futurism, and so a mate would give me little ease + Whose views were strictly orthodox on MYRON and PRAXITELES. + You do not understand," she sneered, "so gross is your fatuity; + Well then, I answer 'No,' without a trace of ambiguity." + + IX. + + And Rendall turned back sad at heart; but in a stride his honey-bee + Was in his arms exclaiming, "Then would wasted all your money be. + Come, I will take you with your faults and try to make the best of you; + Your purse is good; perhaps in time I may improve the rest of you." + + [_Publishers' Note_. + + Readers who are not sated yet and still for more are hungering + Will find Vol. II. describe how E. gave cause for scandal-mongering. + Vol. III. narrates how R. became enamoured of a fairy at + A ball, was robbed of all his wealth and joined the proletariat. + How E. washed clothes to earn her bread, while R. reclined in beery ease + Upon his bed, will be exposed in Vol. IV. of this series. + And further volumes show exactly what was worst and best in E., + And how at last, aged eighty-four, she found her life's true destiny.] + + * * * * * + +A SIDE-SLIP. + + "Just before the war we were in danger of having the ugly and even + abominable word 'aviator' fostered upon us. Just as that word seemed + victorious, _The Times_ suddenly announced that it had decided once and + for all to use 'airman' instead, and there can be no doubt that the + example there set, which was copied by journalists on other papers, + secured the predominance of a good new English word over a deformed + importation."--_Times Literary Supplement_. + + "The volume contains some 500 portraits of New England aviators."-- + _Same paper, same date, same page_. + + * * * * * + + "QUARTER MILE CHAMPIONSHIP.--Record, Sgt. Smith (North Staffords), 5 + 2-5secs. + + Wilkinson........ 1 + Goddard.......... 2 + Worsley.......... 3 + +An excellent win, Wilkinson putting in a wonderful spurt in the last 30 +years."--_Indian Paper_. + +From which we infer that he did not succeed in lowering Sergeant Smith's +remarkable record. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF. + +[Illustration: "HORACE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BOILER. SHALL I +GET THE PLUMBER?"] + +[Illustration: "PLUMBER? OF COURSE NOT--] + +[Illustration: I'LL PUT IT RIGHT.] + +[Illustration: JUST GET ME A SPANNER--] + +[Illustration: AND A HAMMER--] + +[Illustration: AND A LADDER--] + +[Illustration: AND SOME STRING--] + +[Illustration: AND A WOODEN PLUG OR TWO--] + +[Illustration: AND AS MANY TOWELS AS YOU CAN FIND--] + +[Illustration: AND ALL THE BLANKETS IN THE HOUSE--] + +[Illustration: AND--] + +[Illustration: THE DOCTOR."] + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE THE TRADUCER. + +The members of the League of Scottish Veterans of the World War met +recently in New York, and after "due deliberation" (_Query_, Can Scotchmen +deliberate "duly" in New York now?) passed a resolution demanding that +SHAKSPEARE'S tragedy, _Macbeth_, be removed from the curriculum of English +literature studies in American schools. + +Apparently this was an example of "dry" Scotch humour. A neighbouring city +had previously banned _The Merchant of Venice_ from its schools on the +ground that the character of _Shylock_ was a libel on the Jewish race. If +Jewish children no longer had to pay for school editions of _The Merchant +of Venice_ should Scottish infants still have to squander their bawbees on +a play that insulted their forbears? Perish the thought! "We consider," +they declared, "that if a Jewish gabardine is to be cleaned by American +Boards of Education the stain should likewise be removed from the Scottish +kilt." And if there are no reliable cleaners in the U.S.A. it should be +sent to Perth. + +The example thus nobly set is being widely followed. The members of the +Southern Jazz-band Union met yesterday way down in Tennessee, and passed a +resolution demanding the elimination of _Othello_ from the educational +curriculum. The proposer declared with some heat that "no coloured +gentleman would spifflicate his missus wid a bolster on de word of a mean +white thief like dat _Iago_." The mere suggestion was dam foolishness and +an insult to the most prominent section of the freeborn citizens of the +U.S.A. "If dey gwine whitewash de Scotchman, why not de man ob colour too?" + +At a representative meeting of Welshmen Mr. Jones ap Jones moved that, as a +protest against SHAKSPEARE'S treatment of _Fluellen_ and the Cymric +vegetable symbol, _Henry V._ "be no longer taught in Welsh schools or read +at Jesus College, Oxford, whateffer." + +At a recent meeting of the S.P.R. it was proposed by Sir A. CONAN DOYLE, of +Oliver Lodge, Ether, Surrey, "that the Board of Education be asked, in the +interests of scientific truth, to suspend the teaching of _Hamlet_ until +the scenes in which the _Ghost_ appears shall have been emended in the +light of modern research by a committee of psychical experts appointed for +the purpose. The proposer quoted the line spoken by _Hamlet_ to the +apparition:-- + + "Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd," + +and said he would like to substitute for it, "Be thou a subjective +hallucination arising from an uprush of inhibited emotional disturbance +from the subliminal consciousness, or the objectivisation of a telepathic +communication from the extra-corporeal sphere of being, or, finally, a +manifestation to sensory perception of some supra-normal undulatory +movement of the ether." + +He had always deprecated, he said, the meddling of untrained amateurs with +the details of psychic phenomena, and felt that the rule should be made +retrospective. An amendment was carried to add _Julius Cæsar_ and _Richard +III._ to the motion for similar reasons. + +The Labour Party have decided to ask Mr. FISHER to ban _Coriolanus_ on the +ground that many of the speeches of the chief character betray an +anti-democratic bias, out of keeping with the ideals that should be set +before the rising generation. Phrases like "The mutable rank-scented many," +applied to the proletariat, could only foster the bourgeois prejudices of +jaundiced reactionaries and teach the young scions of the capitalist +classes to look down upon the manual worker. + + * * * * * + + "For Sale Black Ebony Gentleman's Shaving Outfit."--_Local Paper._ + +We gather that our coloured brother is about to grow a beard. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_buying music_). "OH, AND HAVE YOU GOT 'A LOVER IN +DAMASCUS'?" + +_New Girl._ "WELL, MA'AM, MY FIANCÉ WAS IN MESPOT, BUT HE'S BACK IN BRIXTON +NOW."] + + * * * * * + +MODERN MOON-RAKERS. + + PORTA, the once notorious Michigander, + Who launched the now exploded solar slander, + Whereat ten thousand negroes stood aghast, + In one short month into oblivion passed, + But PICKERING'S momentous lunar screed + Proves the persistence of this wondrous breed. + Yet this in PICKERING'S favour let us state: + He has no scare or scandal to relate-- + Nothing in any way that may impugn + The credit or the morals of the moon; + And on the other hand it does attract us + To learn that she is growing sage and cactus. + Hardly romantic vegetables, these, + And not so edible as good green cheese + Which nursery rhymers (banned by MONTESSORI) + Associated with the lunar story. + Still PICKERING'S vegetable views are tame + Contrasted with Professor GODDARD'S aim; + For he, as from the daily Press we learn, + An obvious plagiarist of good JULES VERNE, + Would have us build a Bertha fat enough + To send a charge of high explosive stuff + Across the intervening seas of space + Bang into Luna's unoffending face. + Meanwhile our own alert star-gazing chief, + DYSON (Sir FRANK), is rather moved to grief + Than anger by the astronomic pranks + Played by unbalanced professorial cranks, + Who study science in the wild-cat vein + And "ruin along the illimitable inane." + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NAVAL UNIFORM. + + "FOR SALE, NAVAL CADET'S (R.N.) MESS-DRESS; 39 inches side seam; pair + cricket boots, purple velour hat, grey chiffon velvet dress."--_Daily + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "SUEDE TURNIP, best varieties."--_Advt. in Tasmanian Paper._ + +No kid about this offer. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, respectable Man for Polishing Porter."--_Daily + Paper._ + +The manners of some of our porters notoriously leave much to be desired. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +A SLIGHT ACCIDENT SECURES HIM A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION TO THE MASTER.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +_From Friend to Friend_ (MURRAY) is the name given, from the first of them, +to a collection of eight fugitive papers, prepared for republication by the +late Lady RITCHIE during the last months of her life, and now edited by her +sister-in-law, Miss EMILY RITCHIE. Fugitive though they may have been in +original intent, these pages are so filled with their writer's delicate and +very personal charm that her lovers will be delighted to have their flight +thus pleasantly arrested. Lady RITCHIE was above all else the perfect +appreciator. _Horas non numerat nisi serenas_; the gaze that she turns +smilingly upon old happy far-off days looks through spectacles rose-tinted +both by the magic of retrospect and her own genius for admiration. London, +Freshwater, Paris, Rome--these are the settings of her memories; and we see +them all by a light that (perhaps) never was on land or sea, in whose +radiance beauty and wit and genius move wonderfully to a perpetual music. +In truth, however, these eminent Victorians of Lady RITCHIE'S circle must +have been a rare company; I have no space for even a catalogue of +them--Mrs. CAMERON, with her vague magnificence, pouring letters and an +embarrassment of gifts upon her dear TENNYSONS; the KEMBLE sisters, +LOCKHART, THACKERAY himself, a score of great and (to the kindly +chronicler) gracious personalities live again in her pages. I should add +that the volume is rounded off by a short story, a late addition to the +_Miss Williamson_ series, which might be called a pot-boiler, were it not +somehow incongruous to associate so gentle a flame with any such +activities. Slight as it is, _From Friend to Friend_ forms an apt and +graceful finish to the work of one whose life was given to the claims of +friendship. + + * * * * * + +_Fanny goes to War_ (MURRAY) should be read by those who also went and +those who didn't. It is a chronicle of the adventures of the First Aid +Nursing Yeomanry in Belgium and France--vivid; inviting wonder, laughter +and sometimes tears; fresh and delicious. The account of the first visit to +the trenches awakens memories. Viewed from this distance it seems all to +have been so picturesque, such fun! The humour of Thomas, the intelligence +and tact of the good French _poilu_, the awful moments and the wild jests +in between--these are all shown. The splendid humour with which "PAT +BEAUCHAMP," the author, bravely endured her own casualty with its +distressing effects is typical in itself of that spirit in the Anglo-Saxon +race which made the Teuton race wish it hadn't. In my view, the _obiter +dictum_ of an anonymous Colonel sums up the values of this ladies' +contingent better than does the preface of the distinguished Major-General: +"Neither fish, flesh nor fowl," said the Colonel on having the constitution +of this anomalous unit explained to him, "but thundering good red herring!" +Time was, I believe and hope, when I myself, passing through the Base Port +on leave and being full of life and daring, have sighted a lady-chauffeur +of a motor-ambulance and have thrown a friendly glance, even a froward +smile, at her. Waiving all questions of propriety, I hope that this was so, +and that the lady-chauffeur was no less than "PAT BEAUCHAMP" herself, in +the later stages of her career overseas. Though her only response may have +been to splash mud over me, I should feel happy, now, thus to have paid my +respects to this gallant and high-spirited lady. I count myself among the +company, battalion, division, corps and army of her admirers. + + * * * * * + +It certainly does not seem eight years, yet it must be fully that, since +JOSEPH CONRAD in _The English Review_ lifted a veil that lay between his +admirers and an interesting personality with the pleasantly discursive +papers which form the basis of the re-issued _A Personal Record_ (DENT). +Between then and now _Chance_, that masterly but difficult book, has by a +curious freak of public taste given Mr. CONRAD, hitherto the well-loved +favourite of the relatively few, a much wider constituency. To these late +comers, rather than to the older (and of course superior) Conradists, who +know it already, let me recommend this rambling, which is by no means to +say aimless, account of the wanderings of the MS. of _Almayer's Folly_, +some queer entertaining scraps of the author's family history, a +description of the encounters with the original _Almayer_, and those +vignettes of Marseilles which obviously were used as the background of _The +Arrow of Gold_. This record is one of those quiet friendly books that +flatter the devotee by a sense of peculiar intimacy with his hero. It is +also engagingly characteristic. Mr. CONRAD here unravels the fine threads +of his personal history and philosophy with the same artful reserve and +exquisite elaboration with which he evolves the creatures of his +resourceful imagination. + + * * * * * + +_The Life of Liza Lehmann_ (UNWIN), written by herself, and finished, as +her husband tells in a pathetic foot-note, "scarcely two weeks before her +death," is a book holding many special bonds of association with _Punch_, +not least the fact that her father-in-law, Deputy J.T. BEDFORD, was the +author of that _Robert, the City Waiter_, who was among the most famous and +popular of Mr. Punch's early creations. The volume that the writer has put +together is the record of a busy, successful and, on the whole, happy life, +passed in the company of interesting people, about many of whom Madame +LEHMANN has remembered some entertaining story. Chiefly, as is natural, the +persons recorded are the musical folk of the last half-century, from JENNY +LIND to Sir THOMAS BEECHAM; though in the allied Arts I was taken by a +pleasing and new anecdote of ROBERT BROWNING reciting _How they Brought the +Good News_ into an Edison phonograph, and overcome by loss of memory +halfway through the ordeal. One wonders if this rather surprising record +exists to-day. I am not going to assert that the non-technical reader may +not find the pages devoted to reprinted criticism rather over-numerous; old +newspaper files, like old theatrical photographs, too quickly fade. But the +author's humour endured; and I like to think that she could appreciate a +joke made at her own expense; witness her quotation from the gushing friend +who, at the moment of the first triumph of _The Persian Garden_, +overwhelmed the composer with the tribute, "_Do_ let me thank you! The +local colour is _too_ wonderful. I simply felt _as if I was at Liberty's_!" + + * * * * * + +To the jaded reader I recommend _The Road to En-Dor_ (LANE) as a book which +should undoubtedly stir him up. It is the most extraordinary war-tale which +has come my way. With such material as he had to his hand Lieutenant E.H. +JONES would have been a sad muddler if he had not made his story +intriguing; but, anyhow, he happens to be a sound craftsman with a +considerable sense of style and construction. And he has a convincing way +of handling his facts that compels belief in the most incredible of +stories. Lieutenant JONES was a prisoner in the hands of the Turks at +Zozgad, and to amuse himself and his fellow-prisoners he raised a "spook" +which in time gained such a reputation that it had the Turkish officials +almost hopelessly at its mercy. From being merely a joke his spook soon +began to suggest, to him a way of escaping from the camp, and then, in +conjunction with Lieutenant C.W. HILL, he worked it for all it was worth. +His record of their adventures and of the sufferings, physical and mental, +which they had to face is really astounding; but I fear it will be received +coldly by the psychist. Spiritualism, indeed, is treated with scant +respect, and whatever our own view of this vexed subject may be most of us +will admit that Lieutenant JONES has considerable reason for his strong +opinion. + + * * * * * + +In _The Green Shoes of April_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) Miss RACHEL SWETE +MACNAMARA has got together quite a lot of people and situations that other +novelists have used before. There is the fine young Irishman soldiering in +India, the soulless actress who marries and leaves him, and the splendid +Irish girl, his true mate, whom he weds in happy ignorance of his first +partner's continued existence. But the hero has a maiden aunt, with a story +of her own, and the heroine a terrific grandmother who are Miss MACNAMARA'S +creations, and as she makes wife number one lie like a trooper in order to +preserve the happiness of wife number two a _soupçon_ of freshness is +imparted to the _réchauffé_. Of course the well-meaning first wife is not +allowed to succeed in her efforts, and _Beau_ and _Perry_ (you would never +guess from that which was which, but in this case it doesn't matter) have a +very bad time indeed until, reassured by a friendly barrister, they settle +down again into wedded happiness. These are the confiding souls whom +novelists and lawyers love, and I can see Miss MACNAMARA, by-and-by, +getting quite a nice story out of someone's attempt to oust their eldest +son from his inheritance. I hope she will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAIRY TALES REVISED. + +_Cassim Baba._ "AH! NOW I HAVE IT--'OPEN SESAME!' LUCKY THING I HAD THAT +COURSE OF LESSONS IN MEMORY TRAINING."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, January 21st, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16271-8.txt or 16271-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/7/16271/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 21st, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 12, 2005 [EBook #16271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 21st, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>We understand that the Frenchman who lost his temper so completely + during a duel with pistols that he threatened to shoot his opponent will + be suspended from taking part in similar encounters for the next six + months.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man who had half a ton of coal delivered to him without warning has + been removed to an asylum, where he is being treated for coal-shock.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Wrexham Education Committee has decided not to have Welsh taught in + the elementary schools. Doubts have recently arisen, it appears, as to + whether it will ever be the chosen medium of communication in the League + of Nations.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"There is a movement on foot," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "to + brighten the dress of boys." Smith Tertius writes to say that, according + to the best opinion in his set, the waist should be worn fuller and less + attention paid to the "sit" of the shirt.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man recently arrested in Dublin was found to have in his possession + a loaded revolver, three sticks of gelignite, four lengths of fuse, a + number of detonators and a jemmy. It is thought that he may have been + dabbling in politics.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Demobilised men are doing such execution at the London World's Fair + Shooting Galleries," says a news item, "that the supply of bottles is + running short." Nothing, however, can be done about it till the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font> returns from Paris.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"There is a proper time for the last meal of the day," says a medical + writer. We have always been of the opinion that supper should not be + taken between meals.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>After addressing a meeting for two hours, says a contemporary, <font + class="sc">Trotsky</font> fainted. A more humane man would have fainted + first.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We feel very jealous of the suburban gentleman who wrote last week + asking what an O.B.E. was, and whether, if it was a bird, it should be + fed on hemp-seed or ants' eggs.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the wooden house which fell down last week, the + builder is of the opinion that a sparrow must have accidentally stepped + on it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lord <font class="sc">Birkenhead</font> describes the Coalition as an + "invertebrate and undefined body." Meaning that they have rather more + wishbone than backbone.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Indian native was recently sentenced to write a poem. In other + countries of course you commit a poem first and are sentenced + afterwards.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">F.H. Rose</font>, M.P., writing in <i>The Sunday + Pictorial</i>, refers to the Ministry of Munitions as "a veritable + monument of superfluous futility." For ourselves we don't mind futility + so long as it isn't superfluous.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Will the lady who, during the Winter Sales' scramble, inadvertently + went off with two husbands please return the other one to his rightful + owner?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">J.H. Symons</font>, the Weymouth draper novelist, + has told a <i>Star</i> reporter that he only writes novels for a hobby. + This sets him apart from the many who do it with malicious intent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A referee has lodged a complaint against the Football Club on whose + ground he was assaulted by several spectators who disagreed with his + decisions. Although sympathising with him we fear his attempt to rob our + national game of its most sporting element will not meet with general + approval.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is generally expected that, owing to the number of deaths from + whisky poisoning which have occurred of late, America may decide to go + dry again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported on good authority that Mr. <font class="sc">C.B. + Cochran</font> will visit America daily until the signature of <font + class="sc">Dempsey's</font> manager is obtained.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><font class="sc">Lenin</font>, says a contemporary, has completed his + plans for the overthrow of civilisation. It seems that all our efforts to + conceal from him its presence in our midst are doomed to failure.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A search for combined beauty and brains," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, + "has been instituted by <i>The Weekly Dispatch</i>." We gather, however, + that a good circulation will also be taken into consideration.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the Technical Secretary of the Civil Aviation Committee a + vehicle has been designed which is equally at home in the air, on land, + on the water and under it. It is said to be distinguishable from Mr. + <font class="sc">Winston Churchill</font> only by the latter's + eloquence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that certain members of the betting classes have + demanded that the starting price for coal should be published each day in + the early evening papers.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/000.png"><img width="100%" src="images/000.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">Scene.</font>—<i>Miles from anywhere.</i> + + <p><i>Tammas.</i> <font class="sc">"Could ye oblige me wi' a match, + Sir?"</font></p> + + <p><i>Stranger.</i> <font class="sc">"I'm afraid I've only got + one."</font></p> + + <p><i>Tammas.</i> <font class="sc">"Ay—she'll do."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Triumph of Realism.</h4> + + <p>From a publisher's advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'<font class="sc">Falling Waters.</font>' 'Not a dry page in + it.'"</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The New Polygamy.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride... carried a handsome bouquet of harem + lilies."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + +<h2>THE BENEFITS OF PEACE</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>as they appear to be viewed by certain unofficial guardians +of public morality</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Peace superseded the strife and the stress</p> + <p>Which the public regard as a gift for the Press,</p> + <p>It was feared in the quiet that followed the storm,</p> + <p>With nothing to do but retrench and reform,</p> + <p>That the Town would be painted a colourless tint</p> + <p>And the printers have nothing exciting to print.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That fear was unfounded, I'm happy to say,</p> + <p>And red is the dominant tone of to-day;</p> + <p>So far from incurring a shortage of news</p> + <p>While the place is made fit for our heroes to use,</p> + <p>We cannot remember a rosier time;</p> + <p>We have rarely enjoyed such an orgy of crime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are scandals as nice for the reader to nose</p> + <p>As any old garbage of carrion crows;</p> + <p>Our mystery-mongers are full of resource;</p> + <p>There's a bigamy boom and a vogue of divorce;</p> + <p>To the licence of flappers we freely allude,</p> + <p>And we do what we can with the cult of the nude.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, the War isn't missed; there's a murrain of strikes</p> + <p>Where a paper can take any side that it likes;</p> + <p>We are done with denouncing the filth of the Bosch,</p> + <p>But we still have our own dirty linen to wash;</p> + <p>Though we trade with the brute as a man and a brother,</p> + <p>Our Warriors still can abuse one another.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And if spicier features incline to be slack</p> + <p>There is always the Chief of the State to attack;</p> + <p>We have standing instructions to cake him with mud</p> + <p>And a couple of columns reserved for his blood.</p> + <p>Oh, yes, there is Peace, but our property thrives—</p> + <p>We are having, I tell you, the time of our lives.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/002.png"><img width="100%" src="images/002.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>"WANTED."</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Holland.</font> "SO YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE ME TO + SURRENDER THE EX-KAISER?"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Entente Policeman.</font> "WELL, MA'AM, I DIDN'T GO + SO FAR AS THAT. I ONLY <i>ASKED</i> YOU FOR HIM."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BALLYBUN LOTTERY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>À propos</i> of Premium Bonds it has been recalled that in his + evidence, given some years ago before a Select Committee, the then + Under-Secretary for Ireland stated that in that distressful country + "lotteries are very much used for religious purposes by people of all + denominations," and that "it would be flying in the face of public + opinion, especially of the great religious bodies, to interfere with + them."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Murphy has given up charity for ever. He was perhaps fuller of this + virtue than any other body in Ballybun, and his house was packed with + things he had won at raffles. When a brick tore a hole in the Orange drum + our Presbyterian pastor at once got up a bazaar for repairs to the + chapel, and Murphy won the finest silver tea-service this side of the + Aran Islands. Murphy knew no distinctions of race, creed or sex in the + holy cause of charity. When our Methodist minister, who is universally + popular, as his knowledge of a horse would be a credit to any + denomination, got up an Auction Bridge Drive in aid of the Anti-Gambling + League, Murphy came home with three pink antimacassars, a discourse by + <font class="sc">Jeremy Taylor</font> and two months' pay out of the + pocket of McDougal, the organist, who seems to play cards by ear. But + Nemesis was lying in ambush for Murphy.</p> + + <p>Three old ladies in Trim decided to get up a Tombola for the poor this + winter, and of course they sent Murphy a sheaf of tickets. As lotteries + are illegal they, being pious, hated them; anyway they decided to call it + a Tombola. They got the whole of Ireland to send them prizes, articles of + vertu and bric-à-brac, and any other old things that are of no use to + anybody, The carriage on the stuff and the printer's bill nearly ruined + the charitable ladies, but, as they said, the Tombola would pay all the + expenses, and if they could knock any more out of it the poor should have + it.</p> + + <p>If you sold a dozen tickets you could keep the thirteenth for + yourself, and as Murphy, on account of his charity, was so popular he + must have sold hundreds. People seemed to have an idea that the raffle + was for a gondola, and they thought it would look beautiful on the pond + in front of the Town Hall. Unfortunately our local poetess confirmed this + error by writing a poem about it called "Italy in Ireland," which was + produced in <i>The Ballybun Binnacle</i>, with a misprint about the + gondolier's "untanned sole," which caused a fracas in the editorial + office.</p> + + <p>Murphy explained to all concerned that perhaps his Italian was rusty, + and anyway his time was so taken up reading lottery-tickets and other + charitable literature that he never knew what it was all for. It was a + Tombola, however, this time, and not a gondola, they were subscribing + for. It was a kind of Italian lottery which the police didn't mind + because the prizes were not in money or anything of value, but just Old + Masters and brick-bracks. Murphy has such a way with him that the editor + and the poetess each took a dozen tickets.</p> + + <p>When the result of the draw was published Murphy won six prizes, but + no one grudged him them as he had taken so much trouble. The Grand Prize, + a "statue carved by an Italian artist, the finest bit of sculpture ever + seen in Ireland," was won by our popular grocer, Mr. McAroon. We were all + delighted. People trooped in crowds to McAroon's back-door after + closing-time to toll him so. The police took their names, but the + magistrates, who have a great respect for the fine arts, said that this + was a day in the artistic development of the Cinderella of the West which + automatically and <i>primâ facie</i> regularised an extension of + closing-hours.</p> + + <p>McAroon said that his religion did not run much to statues, but that, + to show his tolerance to all denominations, especially to those on his + books, he would have it unveiled by his Minister. He would invite the + Bishop and all men of goodwill to be present at the ceremony. He would + place it in the corner of his garden overlooking the esplanade, where it + would cheer the simple mariners coming home after their arduous fishing + toils, and perhaps remind one or two of them (but he would mention no + names) of a dozen or so of porter that had been left unpaid for after a + recent wedding.</p> + + <p>The Ballybun express carries no goods whatever, except with the + connivance of the guard and driver, who are both very decent Ballybun + boys, and will bring anything down from Dublin for anyone. They promised + to carry the statue themselves from the railway station up to McAroon's + house. If the express was less than three hours late, which it was sure + to be if it was running smoothly, they could just beam-end the statue on + its pedestal and the presiding elder could unveil it with a hammer.</p> + + <p>The train was not too late, just punctually late, and the guard had + time to hurry the statue along through the biggest crowd we have had for + years in Ballybun.</p> + + <p>The Minister said that he would not open the case with prayer, because + it might give offence to friends of other Christian denominations; he + would just knock the front off and let this matchless piece of statuary + from the blue skies of Italy dazzle them with its beauty. It needed no + words from him, but he would just like to remind any of his flock present + that the collection next Sunday was for the heathen both at home and + abroad.</p> + + <p>The statue then flashed out on us and left us breathless.</p> + + <p>It was the most scandalous thing ever seen in Ballybun; it was Venus + rising from the sea without a stitch. There <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page44" id="page44"></a>[pg 44]</span> she stood with one hand + raised toward the sky and the other pointing at the backs of all the + pious people in Ballybun as they hurried indignantly home. Some of them + blamed McAroon, while others said that Murphy knew all the time what a + Tombola really was and that he ought to be ashamed of himself.</p> + + <p>The Bishop ordered his people not to deal at McAroon's until Murphy + had removed the scandalous object. So many bitter things were said that + McAroon, who is obstinate when roused, vowed that as long as the sun + shone in heaven the lady should add lustre to his back-yard. The Minister + however tried to move him to a more prayerful spirit.</p> + + <p>McAroon said it wouldn't be right to smash up for firewood a marble + statue that had cost five hundred pounds if a penny. The clergyman said + that if everybody stopped away from his store he would lose more than + that in a year, and that in any case, if McAroon suffered, he would + suffer in the holy cause of charity.</p> + + <p>McAroon's piety was touched, and he said that in the interests of + peace and holy charity he would agree on a compromise. He had forsooth to + keep his vow and let the lady stop, but she had two outstretched arms and + there was always abundance of family washing on hand in the daytime at + all events. The clergy of all denominations agreed that his decision was + in keeping with the best traditions of a Family Grocer.</p> + + <p>Murphy and McAroon made it up publicly. Murphy asked how anyone in + Ballybun could possibly know the Italian bathing regulations. Italy was a + godless country; but "anyway," said he, "hear you me. I have suffered so + much in mind from this that I have done with charity for ever."</p> + + <p>Christian peace and friendship reign once more in Ballybun; but any + visitor who desires to see the beauties of Spagnoletti's famous + masterpiece (what McAroon calls his "Anna Dryomeny") without the washing + to serve as a veil must come by night and bring his own matches.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/042.png"><img width="100%" src="images/042.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>A MINISTERIAL ATTITUDE.</h3> + + <p><i>Wife</i> (<i>to amateur politician</i>). "<font class="sc">Nah + then—where do you think you are? In the 'Ouse o' + Commons?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>SO LONG.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All coiled down, and it's time for us to go,</p> + <p>Every sail's furled in a smart harbour stow,</p> + <p>Another ship for us an' for her another crew;</p> + <p>An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fun an' friends I wish you till the pay's all gone,</p> + <p>Pleasure while you spend it an' content when it's done,</p> + <p>An' a chest that's not empty when you go back to sea,</p> + <p>An' a better ship than she's been an' a truer pal than me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A good berth I wish you in a ship that's well-found,</p> + <p>With a decent crowd forrard an' her gear all sound,</p> + <p>Spars a man can trust to when it comes on to blow,</p> + <p>An' no bo'sun bawlin' when it's your watch below.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A good Trade I wish you an' a fair landfall,</p> + <p>Neither fog nor iceberg, nor long calm nor squall,</p> + <p>A pleasant port to come to when the work's all through...</p> + <p>An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/043.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE NEW POOR.</h3> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Good morning, Madam. I deal in cast-off + clothing.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Oh, how lucky! Do you think you have anything that + would suit my husband?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SMUGGLER.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With the British Army in France.</i>)</p> + + <p>"If I am to be a bold bad smuggler, old scream," said Percival, + packing pyjamas and parcels into his bag, "I demand the proper costume + and accessories of the craft. No self-respecting smuggler can be expected + to run a cargo in a British warm and field-boots."</p> + + <p>"Of course, my swaggering buccaneer, if you want to do it in the grand + manner," answered Frederick, "I'll arrange for the saucy little cutter, + the sequestered cove an' the hard-riding exciseman with a cocked hat and + cutlass. But the simpler if less picturesque way is to dump your bag on + the counter at the Customs House and be taken with a fit of sneezing when + the Grand Inquisitor asks you if you have anything to declare."</p> + + <p>"Whereupon he'll hand me a quinine tablet and, when I show signs of + convalescence, repeat the question in a loud voice. And if I don't know + the correct answer I'll find myself meditating in Portland or + Pentonville. That's what I'm exposing myself to by obliging corrupt an' + unscrupulous friends," continued Percival bitterly.</p> + + <p>"Hang it!" expostulated Frederick, "the potty little bottle of scent + I'm asking you to deliver to my cousin Julia won't get you more than a + seven-days' stretch. And you've got <i>fourteen</i> days' leave."</p> + + <p>"Well, I won't grumble about that, although I'd arranged my programme + differently. But what about the box of Flor Fantomas I'm taking for the + Major, and the bottle of whisky with which the skipper has entrusted me + for the purpose of propitiating his projected father-in-law, to say + nothing of the piece of Brussels lace which Binnie says is for his aunt. + Their combined weight will just about earn me a lifer. I can see me + wiring the War Office for an extension of leave on urgent business + grounds—nature of business, to enable applicant to complete term of + penal servitude."</p> + + <p>"Don't, Percival, old crumpet," murmured Frederick, visibly affected; + "the thought of you languishing in a felon's cell, without cigarettes, + gives me a pain in my heart. Let me see what I can do for you."</p> + + <p>In a few minutes he was back, beaming. "I've fixed it all right, + <i>mon lapin</i>," he said; "if the worst comes to the worst they'll bail + you out with the Mess funds. But they won't accept further + responsibility. The Major says, if a fellow who's spent his whole career + dodging duties can't dodge the duty on a box of cigars he doesn't deserve + sympathy."</p> + + <p>So Percival proceeded on leave with a heavy bag and a heavier + conscience. On the boat he was greeted hilariously by Gillow the gunner + and Sparkes the sapper, who invited him below to drink success to the + voyage. In order to give the voyage no chance of failure they continued + to drink success to it until the vessel backed into Folkestone Harbour, + when they felt their precautions might be relaxed.</p> + + <p>"Thanks to our efforts we've arrived safely," said Gillow as they + strolled up on deck; "but the sight of jolly old England doesn't seem to + be moving you to mirth and song, Percival. Why this outward-bound + expression when we're on the homeward tack, my hearty?"</p> + + <p>"It's the gnawing molar of conscience," said Percival ruefully; "I've + got a consignment of pink-ribboned parcels in my bag which I know to + contain contraband and which I also suspect—Frederick's and + Binnie's <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" id="page46"></a>[pg + 46]</span> anyway—to contain amorous missives not meant for vulgar + eyes. If I deliver the parcels with the seals broken I shall get the + glacial glare from the damsels concerned, and when I get back scorpions + and poisoned bill-hooks will be too good for poor Percival."</p> + + <p>"Phew!" whistled Sparkes. "They go through your baggage with a fine + toothcomb nowadays. Couldn't you drop over the side with your bag and + drift ashore on a deserted beach, disguised as a floating mine?"</p> + + <p>"I've cut impersonations of hardware out of my <i>répertoire</i> since + the day I failed to get past an R.T.O. disguised as a brass-hat," said + Percival sadly. "I suppose I must fall back on direct action. I've a + feeling that England expects every man this day to pay his duty."</p> + + <p>On the quay there was the usual mad charge of porters. Percival + indicated his bag to one of them with a distracted air, and followed him + to the Customs House guiltily. The porter dumped the bag before an + official, who had a piece of chalk hopefully poised between his + fingers.</p> + + <p>"'Nything t' 'clare?" he asked, preparing to affix the sign which + spelt freedom.</p> + + <p>Percival blew his nose violently, hoping the chalk would descend to + save him the necessity of answering, but it remained poised in + mid-air.</p> + + <p>"Anything to declare?" repeated the official, with emphasis.</p> + + <p>"Er," said Percival weakly—"nothing that you need worry + about—only a few presents."</p> + + <p>"I'll have to trouble you for your keys, then," said the + incorruptible.</p> + + <p>Percival sighed dismally and produced them. Suddenly he noticed Gillow + declaring his baggage, and became so interested that he failed to + perceive that the official was in difficulties with the lock of his + bag.</p> + + <p>"This the right key, Sir?" demanded the latter at length.</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes," said Percival absently. "But perhaps the bag isn't + locked."</p> + + <p>The bag wasn't. It opened easily, and the official plunged into a + welter of articles of personal use; but no parcels or dutiable goods came + to light.</p> + + <p>"P'raps you think it's a joke, wasting my time like this," snorted the + official indignantly. "All I can say is, it's an infernal bad one."</p> + + <p>"Awf'lly sorry," said Percival sweetly, as his eye followed Gillow, + who had emerged unchallenged. "I must have forgotten to bring the parcels + I spoke about."</p> + + <p>Smiling cheerfully, he directed the porter to place his bag by the + side of Gillow's in a Pullman, and took his seat with an expression of + complete content.</p> + + <p>"How fares the master criminal?" asked Sparkes.</p> + + <p>"A sympathetic friend took my troubles on his shoulders," said + Percival, "and got the parcels through with an effrontery which amazed + me. I always took him for an upright youth, too."</p> + + <p>"Who was it?" asked Gillow.</p> + + <p>"You! Didn't you notice you took my bag by mistake? But don't let it + weigh unduly on your conscience. Mine's clear anyway, and I feel that my + troubles are over."</p> + + <p>But it was not till he got home and opened his own bag that he + discovered a quantity of broken glass, a pungent odour of whisky and + Cologne water, a discoloured parcel of lace and a box of sodden + cigars.</p> + + <p>"I was never meant for a smuggler," he groaned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE BOOK OF ADVENTURE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh the glory of the trappers!</p> + <p class="i2">Oh to be as in this book,</p> + <p>Chasing things in furry wrappers,</p> + <p class="i2">Poking from their crevice-nook</p> + <p>Loudly though they squeak and grumble,</p> + <p class="i2">Squirrel fitch and Arctic cat</p> + <p>(<i>Editor:</i> "I do not tumble;</p> + <p>Will you please explain this jumble?"</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Author:</i> "I shall come to that").</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! (as I was just remarking</p> + <p class="i2">When you interrupted me)</p> + <p>Where the marabouts are barking</p> + <p class="i2">It is there that I would be;</p> + <p>Where on promontories stony</p> + <p class="i2">All the loud Atlantic raves</p> + <p>And the, if not very tony,</p> + <p>Still quite practical seal coney</p> + <p class="i2">Plunges in the wind-whipt waves.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where the graceful skunk opossum</p> + <p class="i2">And the stylish leopard mink</p> + <p>Scamper as you come across 'em,</p> + <p class="i2">Climb upon the cañon's brink,</p> + <p>Gambol with the pony musquash,</p> + <p class="i2">Claimed not for a collar yet—</p> + <p>Far away from London's bus-squash</p> + <p>And advertisements of tusk-wash</p> + <p class="i2">Are my yearning visions set.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If such dreams and such romances,</p> + <p class="i2">Editor and reader mine,</p> + <p>Have not filled your heart with fancies—</p> + <p class="i2">Silence and the lonely pine,</p> + <p>Distant snows that cool the fever</p> + <p class="i2">Of a weary world-worn soul,</p> + <p>There where life is no deceiver</p> + <p>And the wallaby-dyed-beaver</p> + <p class="i2">Makes a very natural mole—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you have not heard the calling</p> + <p class="i2">Of the lone, lone trail and far,</p> + <p>Where the animals enthralling</p> + <p class="i2">I have lately mentioned are,</p> + <p>Nature splendid and full-blooded,</p> + <p class="i2">Just a gun and pipe and dog</p> + <p>(How those avalanches thudded!)—</p> + <p>No? Why, then you can't have studied</p> + <p class="i2">Perkins' Bargain Catalogue.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/045.png"><img width="100%" src="images/045.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p class="center">DYSPEPSIA DE LUXE.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>BILLIARDS.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Herbert <i>v.</i> James.</font></p> + + <p>This match of a hundred up was played in the handsome saloon of the + "Leadswingers' Arms" yesterday afternoon before an unusually dense crowd, + who both came in just too late to secure the table. It is understood that + the game was arranged as the result of a heated discussion during lunch + the same day, in the course of which Herbert had the effrontery to tell + me—I mean, to tell James—that what I—that is, + he—knew about billiards wouldn't cover the pyramid-spot. James, who + some hours later thought of a perfectly priceless repartee, which he has + since forgotten, replied with dignity by challenging the other to an + immediate game. Herbert accepted and, hastily finishing their lunch, the + two repaired to the nearest billiard-room.</p> + + <p>"I'm not due back at the office for another twenty minutes, so we've + tons of time," observed Herbert airily as they entered.</p> + + <p>James looked at him, but said nothing. He had the better of the + opening manœuvres, however, for he secured the only cue that + possessed a non-flexible tip; Herbert's was at the best of the semi-rigid + type, a fact which impelled him to declare that the place would soon + resemble a popular tea-shop. Not being pressed for an elucidation of this + remark, he volunteered one. "No tips," he explained as he tenderly + chalked his.</p> + + <p>Herbert won the toss and elected to break with spot, which appeared to + be a rounder ball than its fellow. Taking a careful and protracted aim at + the red, he only missed the object-ball by inches, his own travelling + twice round the table before finally coming to rest in baulk.</p> + + <p>"Now then, Inman," he said, with a poor attempt at jauntiness, "score + off that if you can."</p> + + <p>James's reply was a calculated safety-miss, which only failed of its + intention in that it left his ball about an inch away from the middle + pocket. The closeness of the contest may be gauged from the fact that at + this stage the game was called (or would have been called if the marker + had not gone out to his dinner) at one all.</p> + + <p>"In off the white," declared Herbert, and promptly potted it. "Sorry," + he added almost before the ball was in the pocket.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/046-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>A MASTERLY TEN-SHOT, WHICH COLLECTED ALL THREE BALLS IN THE BOTTOM + RIGHT-HAND POCKET.</p> + + <p>[The continuous line shows the path of the striker's ball and the + dotted lines those of the object balls.]</p> + </div> + <p>For some time after this episode, <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page48" id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> which chilled the atmosphere + a trifle, the exchanges were uneventful. A slight tendency towards + "barracking" on the part of the crowd was quickly stifled, however, by a + brilliant effort from James, who by means of all-round play built up an + attractive break of 5.</p> + + <p>Herbert at once responded by taking off his coat, but for several + innings contributed nothing else of note except a powerful shot which + pocketed the red ball in the fireplace. After an agreement had at last + been reached about the rule governing this particular class of stroke, + both players settled down to their work and put in some useful breaks, + runs of 3, 7 and 4 by James being countered by 2, 5, 6 and 3 (twice) by + Herbert. The latter was the first to reach the 50-mark, an event which + the crowd signalised by hanging up their hats and advancing to the table. + When they were informed that the game was one of a hundred up, they + seemed disposed to argue the matter, and from this stage their attitude + towards the players became openly and impartially critical.</p> + + <p>The latter half of the match was marked by a somewhat peculiar + incident. With the game standing at 75 all Herbert made a stroke that + left the red hovering on the brink of a pocket. He waited anxiously, but + with no result. At this point one of the crowd emitted a prodigious yawn, + and it was the intense vibration set up from this act, so James declared, + that induced the ball to topple over into the pocket. In support of his + contention that no score should ensue he pointed to a framed copy of the + Rules of Billiards on the wall that balanced a coloured advertisement of + Tommy Dodd whisky, and recited the rule on vibration. Herbert strenuously + denied that any such phenomenon had taken place, and when James appealed + to its author he was met with such an outburst of elephantine sarcasm + that he refrained from further contesting the point.</p> + + <p>After this the luck of the play went against James, and when, the + marker having by now finished his meal, the score was actually called at + 90-99 in his opponent's favour, he might have been excused for giving up + the game as lost. With dogged determination, however, he faced the + situation. His own ball was somewhere near the centre, the red about + eighteen inches from the top left-hand pocket, and the white midway + between the right-hand cushion and the D. With an almost superhuman + stroke (but <i>not</i>, as was subsequently averred, with his eyes shut) + he smote the red, and his ball travelled rapidly up and down the table. + On the down journey it glanced off the white, after which, still going at + a tremendous pace, it made a complete tour of the table and concluded its + meteoric career in the bottom right-hand pocket. Meanwhile the red and + the white had both departed on voyages of their own, the terminus in each + case being the self-same pocket. (<i>See diagram.</i>) After the balls + had been taken out, examined and counted, and James's person had been + searched to see if he were concealing any, the marker pronounced this to + be a 10-shot, and the game was thus strikingly ended in James's + favour.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/046-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + + <p class="center">"<font class="sc">Hop it, Leander! The Hellespont's + down at the other end of the tank. This end's 'Fun at Flounder + Beach.</font>'"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Great Song of a Britisher is—</p> + <p>'There's No Place Like Home.'</p> + <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Stay at ——'s Hotel</font>,</p> + <p>And you'll Sing it and Realise it."—<i>South African Paper.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The mere selling of an article is a simple matter, but keeping the + customer sold is our principal aim."—<i>Advt. in West Indian + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/047.png"><img width="100%" src="images/047.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>First Novice.</i> <font class="sc">"Would you mind my passing, + please?"</font></p> + + <p><i>Second ditto.</i> <font class="sc">"Not at all—not at + all—if you don't mind using me as the handrail."</font></p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>MY DÉBUT IN "PUNCH."</h2> + + <p>I am, I hope, decently modest. When I said so once to Margery she + remarked that there was no need to make a virtue of necessity. But + younger sisters, of course...</p> + + <p>I came down to breakfast at my usual time—as the others were + finishing—and found a letter awaiting me. I opened it under the + usual fire of insults from Margery and John. To-day I ignored them, + however, and my young heart gave a small jump. I am a modest young + man.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter with you, little Sunbeam?" asked John (he is + Cecilia's husband, through no fault of mine). "Is the tailor more rude + than usual, or has she found out your address?"</p> + + <p>"The Vicar has asked him to sing at the Band of Hope," suggested + Margery.</p> + + <p>I commenced my breakfast.</p> + + <p>"What is it, Alan?" asked Cecilia.</p> + + <p>"Oh, nothing," I said easily. "The proof of a thing of mine that + <i>Punch</i> has accepted."</p> + + <p>They hadn't a word to say for a few seconds, then Margery + began:—</p> + + <p>"Poor old dear, it must be some awful mistake."</p> + + <p>I ignored Margery.</p> + + <p>"But, Alan darling, how beautiful! You've been trying for years and + years and now at last it has happened. I <i>do</i> hope it isn't a + mistake," said Cecilia anxiously. She was trying to be nice, you know. + I'm sure she was. I went on with my breakfast.</p> + + <p>"Well, John," said Cecilia, "can't you congratulate him, or are you + too jealous?"</p> + + <p>John sighed deeply and pondered.</p> + + <p>"Terrible how <i>Punch</i> has gone down since our young days, isn't + it?" he said heavily.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I spent a miserable time until it appeared. Somehow or other Cecilia + let the great glad news get about the village. Farley, our newsagent and + tobacconist, held me when I went in for an ounce of the usual mild.</p> + + <p>"So I 'ear you've 'ad a article printed by this 'ere <i>Punch</i>, + Sir," he said. "Somethink laughable it'd be, I suppose like, eh?"</p> + + <p>"Not half," I said, striving hard to impersonate a successful + humourist.</p> + + <p>"Ah, well, it's all good for business," he said, as one who sees the + silver lining. "I've 'ad quite a number of orders for the paper for the + next two or three weeks."</p> + + <p>I crept from the shop, only to meet an atrocious woman from "The + Gables," who stopped me with a little shriek of joy.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Mr. Jarvis, I've been dying to meet you, do you know. I always + have thought you so funny, ever since that little sketch you got up for + the Bazaar last summer. I said to my husband when I heard of your + success, '<i>I'm</i> not surprised. After that sketch, <i>I knew</i>.' + <i>Do</i> tell me when it's appearing. I'm sure I shall simply scream at + it."</p> + + <p>I escaped after a time and wondered whether it was too late to stop + publication of the horrible thing.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I came down to breakfast and found John with a copy beside him. I + looked at him.</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said, "the worst has happened. It is in print. We have been + waiting for you to appear."</p> + + <p>He turned the pages and cleared his throat.</p> + + <p>"I shall now read the article aloud," he said. "Each time I raise my + hand the audience will please burst into hearty laughter."</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <p>Margery giggled.</p> + + <p>"Cecilia," I said, rising, "if you don't control this reptile that you + have married, if you don't force him to hold his peace, if you allow him + to read one word, I'll throw the bread-knife at him and ... and pour my + coffee all over the tablecloth."</p> + + <p>"John," said Cecilia, "have a little thought for others and read it + quietly to yourself."</p> + + <p>Cecilia meant well, of course, but Margery giggled again.</p> + + <p>John read it to himself in a dead silence, sighed heavily and passed + it to Margery.</p> + + <p>"We shall never live it down," he said, putting his head into his + hands and gazing moodily at the marmalade.</p> + + <p>Margery read it and giggled three or four times; but Margery giggles + at anything.</p> + + <p>Cecilia read it and beamed.</p> + + <p>"Alan, dear," she said, "it's lovely! Of <i>course</i> they accepted + it. John, you wretch, say you liked it." (Cecilia can be a dear.)</p> + + <p>"Well, if I must tell the truth," said John, "it isn't quite so bad as + I expected. In fact I very much doubt whether he wrote it at all. If he + did—well, it's a marvellous fluke, that's all."</p> + + <p>I smiled.</p> + + <p>"You may smile, swelled-head," said John; "but I'll bet you five + golden guineas to a bad tanner you couldn't do it again."</p> + + <p>"Done," I said.</p> + + <p>After a few days, however, I realised that I had made a mistake. Even + a bad sixpence is worth something nowadays.</p> + + <p>Cecilia and Margery vied with each other in offering me the feeblest + suggestions for articles that they felt sure would reduce a rhinoceros to + hysterics. John presented me with a copy of <i>A Thousand and One Jokes + and Anecdotes</i> "to prove he was a sportsman," he said. I started to + look for a bad sixpence.</p> + + <p>Then Margery said to me:—</p> + + <p>"Why don't you write and explain the whole thing to the Editor and + offer to go halves if he prints it?"</p> + + <p>I looked at her in amazement.</p> + + <p>"You horrible little cheat!" I said.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>However, on thinking it over carefully there seems a lot to say for + the idea and it's really quite fair. Anyhow I can't possibly let John + win. So here's the story, and with any luck it will cost John five golden + guineas. But I shan't give the Editor half.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/048.png"><img width="100%" src="images/048.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Little Girl (rather sceptical about what she regards as her new + toy).</i> <font class="sc">"Put him on the floor, Mummy, and see if + he'll go."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>The Perils of Humour.</h4> + + <p>From <i>Punch</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'<font class="sc">The Profiteer's Anthem.</font></p> + + <p>The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do + well."'—<i>Rangoon Times.</i>"</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>From <i>The Manchester Evening Chronicle</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'<font class="sc">The Profiteer's Anthem.</font></p> + + <p>The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do + dwell."'</p> + + <p><i>Rangoon Times</i>, quoted in <i>Punch</i>."</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was reported to the Sanitary Committee yesterday that the + Inspector of Nuisances had made arrangements for the repair of the + meteorological instruments."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Judging by our recent weather, quite the right man to look after + it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a money-lender's circular:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Having been, perhaps, the richest nation in the world before the war, + and wealth being only comparative, it is our empirical duty to achieve a + like position again."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>So that's why they are "trying it on."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The news, says the Paris correspondent of <i>The Times</i>, in itself + is serious enough as showing the dangers of letting the Adriatic + settlement continue to be at the mercy of a coup de theatre or coup de + d'etat, whichever one may like to call it."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We fancy the Paris correspondent of <i>The Times</i> would prefer the + former.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/049.png"><img width="100%" src="images/049.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>EVEN-HANDED JUSTICE</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>As dispensed by the <font class="sc">Lord + Chancellor</font> and a predecessor</i>).</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Injured Parties</font> (<i>simultaneously</i>).</p> + + <p class="center">"OH! TO BE SMACKED BY THOSE WE LOVE DOTH WORK LIKE + MADNESS IN THE BRAIN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/050.png"><img width="100%" src="images/050.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>FRENZIED BOXING FINANCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Master of the Ceremonies.</i> <font class="sc">"Look 'ere! 'Fore + my man fights he wants two potties, three glassies an' a blood-alley; + an' I wants a packet o' fags for meself."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE BURIAL OF DUNDEE.</h2> + + <p>"Dundee is dead," said my wife, returning from her morning visit to + the kitchen.</p> + + <p>"I am very sorry to hear it," I replied, laying down the newspaper on + the breakfast-table, at which I still lingered; and indeed I was sorry. + Dundee had been our household cat from the earliest days of our married + life, from the time when he was a tiny kitten the colour of marmalade, + which had earned him his name.</p> + + <p>"Cook is very much upset," my wife continued.</p> + + <p>"Her distress does her credit," I answered.</p> + + <p>"She talks of leaving."</p> + + <p>I must confess with shame that a pang acuter than the first went + through me at the news, for Cook was one of those rare artists who + understands the value of surprise and never rides success to death.</p> + + <p>"Ask her to reconsider her decision," I said.</p> + + <p>"I have," said my wife, "and she remained immovable."</p> + + <p>"Perhaps when the first shock has worn off?"</p> + + <p>"There is just a chance."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I am sure you can persuade her," I concluded, preparing to leave + for my office.</p> + + <p>"Before you go," interrupted my wife, "what are we going to do about + the burial?"</p> + + <p>"How does one usually dispose of dead cats?" I asked. "I thought the + dustman—"</p> + + <p>"Out of the question."</p> + + <p>"I know it is forbidden by the by-laws of the Corporation, but a + shilling——"</p> + + <p>"How stupid you are! If anything were to decide Cook to go it would be + handing over Dundee's remains to the dustman. You know how particular + Cook is about funerals."</p> + + <p>I knew indeed. The rate of mortality among her friends and relations + was abnormally high, and on account, as I suspect, of her skill in + cookery she was in frequent demand as a mourner. By continual attendance + she had cultivated a nice sense of what was fitting on these occasions + and posed as an authority on the subject.</p> + + <p>"Very well, then, let's have him buried," I said.</p> + + <p>"Where?"</p> + + <p>"In our garden."</p> + + <p>"Who by?"</p> + + <p>"Palmer or Emily."</p> + + <p>Palmer and Emily are respectively the parlour- and house-maid.</p> + + <p>"Both would say it was not the work for which they were engaged. They + would leave at the same time as Cook, if I asked them."</p> + + <p>"Who else can we get?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Yourself," my wife made answer.</p> + + <p>"Me? But I can't be seen by all the street burying a cat." I should + explain that our only garden is in front of the house.</p> + + <p>"If you wait till it is dark you needn't be afraid of anyone seeing + you," protested my wife.</p> + + <p>"And run the risk of being detected by some suspicious policeman. No, + thank you."</p> + + <p>"Then if you won't do it yourself you must find someone who will. It + is our last hope of persuading Cook to stay."</p> + + <p>"By heaven!" I cried, looking at <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page54" id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> my watch, I am a + quarter-of-an-hour late. I must run."</p> + + <p>This was my customary device to evade the embarrassing dilemmas which + my wife not infrequently thrust upon me at this hour. So for the moment I + escaped. All day in the office I was fully occupied. From time to time + the memory of Dundee lying stark in the basement obtruded itself upon my + thoughts, but I dismissed the vision as one does a problem one has not + the courage to face.</p> + + <p>The problem remained unsolved when I stepped out of the train on my + return from the City. To gain time for reflection I resolved to make a + détour. As I struck into an unfamiliar side street, I looked up, and + there in front of me stood an undertaker's shop.</p> + + <p>The inspiration! I entered. From the back premises advanced to meet me + the undertaker, with a visage tentatively wobegone, not yet knowing + whether I was widower, orphan, businesslike executor or merely the + busybody family friend. I unfolded my difficulty. Beneath the outer crust + of professional melancholy there evidently seethed within the undertaker + a lava of joviality.</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Sir, certainly," he said. "It is not perhaps strictly in + my line, but one of my assistants will be delighted to earn an extra + shilling or so by obliging you. What name and address?"</p> + + <p>I joyfully gave both and made my way home.</p> + + <p>Midway through dinner came a ring at the front-door bell. Palmer + interrupted her service to answer, and returned to me with a card on a + salver.</p> + + <p>"A gentleman to see you, Sir," she announced.</p> + + <p>"How strange, at this hour! Who can it be?" asked my wife.</p> + + <p>"The gentleman to bury Dundee," I explained in a lowered voice, as I + passed the visiting-card, deeply edged with black, across the table to + her.</p> + + <p>Next morning my wife was able to announce that Cook had consented to + stay. The burial of Dundee by a real undertaker had gratified her sense + of the correct. I departed to the City filled with self-complacency.</p> + + <p>For a month I dwelt in this fool's paradise. Then one evening my wife + gently broke the news.</p> + + <p>"I have something serious to tell you. Cook has given notice."</p> + + <p>"Who is dead now?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"No one. She is engaged to be married."</p> + + <p>"Married?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, to the young undertaker."</p> + + <p>"What young undertaker?"</p> + + <p>"The one who buried Dundee."</p> + + <p>It was too true. At supper, after the inhumation, a mutual esteem had + sprung up that rapidly ripened into love. The enterprising young + journeyman, so enamoured of his calling that he consented to inter dumb + creatures in his leisure time, had evidently discerned in Cook, with her + wealth of funeral lore, a helpmeet worthy of himself; while Cook on her + side, conquered by his diligence and discretion, considered she had + secured a respectable settlement for life, with the prospect of obsequies + of the highest class for herself.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/051.png"><img width="100%" src="images/051.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Cheery Member (to Club pessimist</i>). "<font class="sc">Hullo, old + chap! Having a bad crossing</font>?" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>CLERICAL EDUCATION.</h3> + + <p>[The Rev. <font class="sc">Kennedy Bell</font>, in <i>The Daily + Sketch</i>, deplores the dreariness of parish magazines and suggests, + with a view to brighten their contents, that clergymen should serve an + apprenticeship on the daily Press.]</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Reverend Mr. <font class="sc">Kennedy Bell</font></p> + <p>Is wholly unable to say all's well</p> + <p>With the state of our parish magazines,</p> + <p>And is moved to indicate the means</p> + <p>Of making their pages bright and snappy</p> + <p>And bored subscribers cheerful and happy.</p> + <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span></p> + <p>Now the most original of his hints</p> + <p>For galvanizing these dreary prints</p> + <p>Is this: That every parson, before</p> + <p>He aspires to be parish editor,</p> + <p>Should join the staff of a leading daily</p> + <p>And learn to write genially and gaily.</p> + <p>It may be a counsel of sheer perfection,</p> + <p>And yet, perhaps, on further reflection,</p> + <p>We may admit that something is gained</p> + <p>By the plan of having clergymen trained</p> + <p>In the very heart of the Street of Ink</p> + <p>To paint their parish magazines pink.</p> + <p>So generous laymen may haply decide</p> + <p>That it <i>may</i> be worth their while to provide</p> + <p>Each <font class="sc">Kennedy Bell</font> with stepping-stones</p> + <p>To rise to the height of a <font class="sc">Kennedy Jones.</font></p> + <p>But others, a small and dwindling crew,</p> + <p>Possibly fit, but certainly few,</p> + <p>And cursed with a most pronounced capacity</p> + <p>For suffering from inept vivacity,</p> + <p>Would gladly be reckoned as unenlightened</p> + <p>Could they keep one class of journal un-"brightened."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/052.png"><img width="100%" src="images/052.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"My dear, you are not dancing.</font>"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">"No—most provoking. I mislaid my partner at + Paddington, and he hasn't the faintest idea where the dance + is</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE PASSING OF THE LITTER.</h3> + + <p>It happened only a couple of weeks ago, but the horrible memory comes + back to me as if it only happened yesterday. It was my own fault, because + with a telephone loose about the place one ought not to encourage other + pets.</p> + + <p>"Well," I said to Sibyl, "there we are, and we must make the best of + them."</p> + + <p>Sibyl sniffed as she usually does when these periodical occurences + happen in our house.</p> + + <p>"Which of them are you going to keep?" she asked, "and is it really + necessary to keep any of them?"</p> + + <p>"Well," I said; "but——"</p> + + <p>"What I mean to say," said Sibyl, "better do away with them when they + are quite young. It would be far more humane."</p> + + <p>"I am with you up to a point," I said; "I admit they are not a very + prepossessing lot."</p> + + <p>"How they came to be born at all is what I cannot understand," said + Sibyl, who is always like that when trying to be serious.</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "I have decided to keep one of them—No. 1."</p> + + <p>"But surely," said Sibyl, "that the most delicate one of the lot."</p> + + <p>That, I well knew, was quite true. Whether I should ever rear No. 1 + was a matter for time to prove. It was so delicate that once or twice + already it had been on the verge of collapse, but I had rallied it each + time.</p> + + <p>"As for the others," I said, "we shall have to get rid of them."</p> + + <p>I need not go into painful details, but the thing was easily done. + That very evening, unfortunately, through an oversight, No. 1 perished + also.</p> + + <p>For this I blame McWhirter.</p> + + <p>"The number of my bus is 21," he said in the theatre buffet that + night; "by the way what's yours?"</p> + + <p>"Whisky," I said absent-mindedly, "and not much soda."</p> + + <p>And it was only after I had drunk it that I realised my error. It was + then too late.</p> + + <p>And that is how New Year Resolution No. 1—the most delicate of + the litter—passed away at the early age of one week.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Plutocratic Sportsmen Again.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, set of gold clubs, with bag, for lady."—<i>Local + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + +<h2>LIFE.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">A Modern Novel—Spasmodic School.</font></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her parents were hygienic, so they never let a germ intrude</p> + <p>Within the cells and tissues of the girl they christened Ermyntrude;</p> + <p>They bathed her body every hour and all internal harm allayed</p> + <p>By pouring Condy's Fluid on her butter and her marmalade;</p> + <p>And when they dressed her took good care to tuck her chest-protector in—</p> + <p>Result, she grew up strong and fair as any peach or nectarine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She had no fear of lion or of tiger (in imprisonment)</p> + <p>And in an awful storm at sea she asked the mate what mizzen meant;</p> + <p>It was a plucky act; if I'd neglected to report it you'd</p> + <p>Never have known the depth and true dimensions of her fortitude.</p> + <p>If you remain agnostic, if you hold it still not proven, I'll</p> + <p>Give fifty more examples of her courage when a juvenile;</p> + <p>They lie in my portfolio, all printed, filed and docketed,</p> + <p>Including one in which a stick of dynamite she pocketed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">III.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She also painted: one could tell her pictures mid a billion,</p> + <p>So daubed were they with ochre blots and splashes of vermilion;</p> + <p>She claimed to be a connoisseur of <i>objets d'art</i> and curios,</p> + <p>But what attracted notice was her openwork and lury hose,</p> + <p>Fashioned in every colour from magenta down to cinnabar,</p> + <p>Suggestive of a rainbow or the various liquors <i>in</i> a bar.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">IV.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when she came to twenty-one, the age they call discretional,</p> + <p>The trooping of her followers was, in a word, processional.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">V.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But she disdained flamboyant types and snubbed the gay and gildy brand;</p> + <p>Instead she loved a decadent whose pagan name was Hildebrand,</p> + <p>Until that sad occasion when she met him coming back o' night,</p> + <p>His system loaded up with bhang and opium and aconite.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">VI.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An artist next attracted her; she turned on her cajoleries,</p> + <p>And soon in unison they laughed at other people's drolleries;</p> + <p>His speech was polychromous (as the speech of many a carman is);</p> + <p>He mostly talked of masses, lights, half-tones and colour-harmonies;</p> + <p>That was his doom, for one fine day he went to his sarcophagus,</p> + <p>The word "<i>chiaroscuro</i>" stuck deep down in his œsophagus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">VII.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I do not know; it may have been her hose that took poor Rendall in,</p> + <p>Who previously had flirted with her elder sister, Gwendoline.</p> + <p>This Rendall was a wholesale dealer, very rich and large in all</p> + <p>His habits, though he always said his profits were but marginal.</p> + <p>Well, Rendall kept on waddling round her, like a tired and tardy yak;</p> + <p>His movements showed beyond a doubt that his disease was cardiac;</p> + <p>He took her on the river; after thinking for a time, aloud</p> + <p>He said, "I will propose to you; that is, of course, if I'm allowed."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">VIII.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And she replied, "If I were going to propose, I'm blest if I</p> + <p>Would personate an elder who is just about to testify.</p> + <p>Now first of all I must remark that Love has come to grip you late</p> + <p>In life, but, passing over that, I've certain things to stipulate:</p> + <p>You must exhibit interest, as even Goth or Vandal would,</p> + <p>In curios and bric-à-brac, in ivories and sandalwood;</p> + <p>And you must cope with cameo, veneer, relief and lacquer (Ah!</p> + <p>And, parenthetically, pay my debts at bridge and baccarat).</p> + <p>I dote on Futurism, and so a mate would give me little ease</p> + <p>Whose views were strictly orthodox on <font class="sc">Myron</font> and <font class="sc">Praxiteles</font>.</p> + <p>You do not understand," she sneered, "so gross is your fatuity;</p> + <p>Well then, I answer 'No,' without a trace of ambiguity."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">IX.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And Rendall turned back sad at heart; but in a stride his honey-bee</p> + <p>Was in his arms exclaiming, "Then would wasted all your money be.</p> + <p>Come, I will take you with your faults and try to make the best of you;</p> + <p>Your purse is good; perhaps in time I may improve the rest of you."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">[<i>Publishers' Note</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Readers who are not sated yet and still for more are hungering</p> + <p>Will find Vol. II. describe how E. gave cause for scandal-mongering.</p> + <p>Vol. III. narrates how R. became enamoured of a fairy at</p> + <p>A ball, was robbed of all his wealth and joined the proletariat.</p> + <p>How E. washed clothes to earn her bread, while R. reclined in beery ease</p> + <p>Upon his bed, will be exposed in Vol. IV. of this series.</p> + <p>And further volumes show exactly what was worst and best in E.,</p> + <p>And how at last, aged eighty-four, she found her life's true destiny.]</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Side-Slip.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Just before the war we were in danger of having the ugly and even + abominable word 'aviator' fostered upon us. Just as that word seemed + victorious, <i>The Times</i> suddenly announced that it had decided once + and for all to use 'airman' instead, and there can be no doubt that the + example there set, which was copied by journalists on other papers, + secured the predominance of a good new English word over a deformed + importation."—<i>Times Literary Supplement</i>.</p> + + <p>"The volume contains some 500 portraits of New England + aviators."—<i>Same paper, same date, same page</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"QUARTER MILE CHAMPIONSHIP.—Record, Sgt. Smith (North + Staffords), 5 2-5secs.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wilkinson........ 1</p> + <p>Goddard.......... 2</p> + <p>Worsley.......... 3</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>An excellent win, Wilkinson putting in a wonderful spurt in the last + 30 years."—<i>Indian Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>From which we infer that he did not succeed in lowering Sergeant + Smith's remarkable record.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + +<h2>THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">I'll put it right.</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">"Plumber? Of course not—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"Horace, there's something wrong with the boiler. + Shall I get the plumber?"</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-6.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and a ladder—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-5.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-5.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and a hammer—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">Just get me a spanner—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-9.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-9.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and as many towels as you can find—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-8.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-8.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and a wooden plug or two—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-7.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and some string—</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-C.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-C.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">the doctor."</font> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-B.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-B.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and—</font> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/054-A.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054-A.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">and all the blankets in the house—</font> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + +<h3>SHAKSPEARE THE TRADUCER.</h3> + + <p>The members of the League of Scottish Veterans of the World War met + recently in New York, and after "due deliberation" (<i>Query</i>, Can + Scotchmen deliberate "duly" in New York now?) passed a resolution + demanding that <font class="sc">Shakspeare's</font> tragedy, + <i>Macbeth</i>, be removed from the curriculum of English literature + studies in American schools.</p> + + <p>Apparently this was an example of "dry" Scotch humour. A neighbouring + city had previously banned <i>The Merchant of Venice</i> from its schools + on the ground that the character of <i>Shylock</i> was a libel on the + Jewish race. If Jewish children no longer had to pay for school editions + of <i>The Merchant of Venice</i> should Scottish infants still have to + squander their bawbees on a play that insulted their forbears? Perish the + thought! "We consider," they declared, "that if a Jewish gabardine is to + be cleaned by American Boards of Education the stain should likewise be + removed from the Scottish kilt." And if there are no reliable cleaners in + the U.S.A. it should be sent to Perth.</p> + + <p>The example thus nobly set is being widely followed. The members of + the Southern Jazz-band Union met yesterday way down in Tennessee, and + passed a resolution demanding the elimination of <i>Othello</i> from the + educational curriculum. The proposer declared with some heat that "no + coloured gentleman would spifflicate his missus wid a bolster on de word + of a mean white thief like dat <i>Iago</i>." The mere suggestion was dam + foolishness and an insult to the most prominent section of the freeborn + citizens of the U.S.A. "If dey gwine whitewash de Scotchman, why not de + man ob colour too?"</p> + + <p>At a representative meeting of Welshmen Mr. Jones ap Jones moved that, + as a protest against <font class="sc">Shakspeare's</font> treatment of + <i>Fluellen</i> and the Cymric vegetable symbol, <i>Henry V.</i> "be no + longer taught in Welsh schools or read at Jesus College, Oxford, + whateffer."</p> + + <p>At a recent meeting of the S.P.R. it was proposed by Sir A. <font + class="sc">Conan Doyle</font>, of Oliver Lodge, Ether, Surrey, "that the + Board of Education be asked, in the interests of scientific truth, to + suspend the teaching of <i>Hamlet</i> until the scenes in which the + <i>Ghost</i> appears shall have been emended in the light of modern + research by a committee of psychical experts appointed for the purpose. + The proposer quoted the line spoken by <i>Hamlet</i> to the + apparition:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and said he would like to substitute for it, "Be thou a subjective + hallucination arising from an uprush of inhibited emotional disturbance + from the subliminal consciousness, or the objectivisation of a telepathic + communication from the extra-corporeal sphere of being, or, finally, a + manifestation to sensory perception of some supra-normal undulatory + movement of the ether."</p> + + <p>He had always deprecated, he said, the meddling of untrained amateurs + with the details of psychic phenomena, and felt that the rule should be + made retrospective. An amendment was carried to add <i>Julius Cæsar</i> + and <i>Richard III.</i> to the motion for similar reasons.</p> + + <p>The Labour Party have decided to ask Mr. <font + class="sc">Fisher</font> to ban <i>Coriolanus</i> on the ground that many + of the speeches of the chief character betray an anti-democratic bias, + out of keeping with the ideals that should be set before the rising + generation. Phrases like "The mutable rank-scented many," applied to the + proletariat, could only foster the bourgeois prejudices of jaundiced + reactionaries and teach the young scions of the capitalist classes to + look down upon the manual worker.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For Sale Black Ebony Gentleman's Shaving Outfit."—<i>Local + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We gather that our coloured brother is about to grow a beard.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/055.png"><img width="100%" src="images/055.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>buying music</i>). "<font class="sc">Oh, and have + you got 'A Lover in Damascus</font>'?"</p> + + <p><i>New Girl.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, Ma'am, my fiancé was in + Mespot, but he's back in Brixton now</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>MODERN MOON-RAKERS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Porta</font>, the once notorious Michigander,</p> + <p>Who launched the now exploded solar slander,</p> + <p>Whereat ten thousand negroes stood aghast,</p> + <p>In one short month into oblivion passed,</p> + <p>But <font class="sc">Pickering's</font> momentous lunar screed</p> + <p>Proves the persistence of this wondrous breed.</p> + <p>Yet this in <font class="sc">Pickering's</font> favour let us state:</p> + <p>He has no scare or scandal to relate—</p> + <p>Nothing in any way that may impugn</p> + <p>The credit or the morals of the moon;</p> + <p>And on the other hand it does attract us</p> + <p>To learn that she is growing sage and cactus.</p> + <p>Hardly romantic vegetables, these,</p> + <p>And not so edible as good green cheese</p> + <p>Which nursery rhymers (banned by <font class="sc">Montessori</font>)</p> + <p>Associated with the lunar story.</p> + <p>Still <font class="sc">Pickering's</font> vegetable views are tame</p> + <p>Contrasted with Professor <font class="sc">Goddard's</font> aim;</p> + <p>For he, as from the daily Press we learn,</p> + <p>An obvious plagiarist of good <font class="sc">Jules Verne</font>,</p> + <p>Would have us build a Bertha fat enough</p> + <p>To send a charge of high explosive stuff</p> + <p>Across the intervening seas of space</p> + <p>Bang into Luna's unoffending face.</p> + <p>Meanwhile our own alert star-gazing chief,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Dyson</font> (Sir <font class="sc">Frank</font>), is rather moved to grief</p> + <p>Than anger by the astronomic pranks</p> + <p>Played by unbalanced professorial cranks,</p> + <p>Who study science in the wild-cat vein</p> + <p>And "ruin along the illimitable inane."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The New Naval Uniform.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">For Sale, Naval Cadet's (R.N.) Mess-dress</font>; 39 + inches side seam; pair cricket boots, purple velour hat, grey chiffon + velvet dress."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Suede Turnip</font>, best varieties."—<i>Advt. + in Tasmanian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>No kid about this offer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, at once, respectable Man for Polishing + Porter."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The manners of some of our porters notoriously leave much to be + desired.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/056.png"><img width="100%" src="images/056.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3> + + <p class="center">A SLIGHT ACCIDENT SECURES HIM A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION + TO THE MASTER.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>From Friend to Friend</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>) is the + name given, from the first of them, to a collection of eight fugitive + papers, prepared for republication by the late Lady <font + class="sc">Ritchie</font> during the last months of her life, and now + edited by her sister-in-law, Miss <font class="sc">Emily Ritchie</font>. + Fugitive though they may have been in original intent, these pages are so + filled with their writer's delicate and very personal charm that her + lovers will be delighted to have their flight thus pleasantly arrested. + Lady <font class="sc">Ritchie</font> was above all else the perfect + appreciator. <i>Horas non numerat nisi serenas</i>; the gaze that she + turns smilingly upon old happy far-off days looks through spectacles + rose-tinted both by the magic of retrospect and her own genius for + admiration. London, Freshwater, Paris, Rome—these are the settings + of her memories; and we see them all by a light that (perhaps) never was + on land or sea, in whose radiance beauty and wit and genius move + wonderfully to a perpetual music. In truth, however, these eminent + Victorians of Lady <font class="sc">Ritchie's</font> circle must have + been a rare company; I have no space for even a catalogue of + them—Mrs. <font class="sc">Cameron</font>, with her vague + magnificence, pouring letters and an embarrassment of gifts upon her dear + <font class="sc">Tennysons</font>; the <font class="sc">Kemble</font> + sisters, <font class="sc">Lockhart, Thackeray</font> himself, a score of + great and (to the kindly chronicler) gracious personalities live again in + her pages. I should add that the volume is rounded off by a short story, + a late addition to the <i>Miss Williamson</i> series, which might be + called a pot-boiler, were it not somehow incongruous to associate so + gentle a flame with any such activities. Slight as it is, <i>From Friend + to Friend</i> forms an apt and graceful finish to the work of one whose + life was given to the claims of friendship.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Fanny goes to War</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>) should be + read by those who also went and those who didn't. It is a chronicle of + the adventures of the First Aid Nursing Yeomanry in Belgium and + France—vivid; inviting wonder, laughter and sometimes tears; fresh + and delicious. The account of the first visit to the trenches awakens + memories. Viewed from this distance it seems all to have been so + picturesque, such fun! The humour of Thomas, the intelligence and tact of + the good French <i>poilu</i>, the awful moments and the wild jests in + between—these are all shown. The splendid humour with which "<font + class="sc">Pat Beauchamp</font>," the author, bravely endured her own + casualty with its distressing effects is typical in itself of that spirit + in the Anglo-Saxon race which made the Teuton race wish it hadn't. In my + view, the <i>obiter dictum</i> of an anonymous Colonel sums up the values + of this ladies' contingent better than does the preface of the + distinguished Major-General: "Neither fish, flesh nor fowl," said the + Colonel on having the constitution of this anomalous unit explained to + him, "but thundering good red herring!" Time was, I believe and hope, + when I myself, passing through the Base Port on leave and being full of + life and daring, have sighted a lady-chauffeur of a motor-ambulance and + have thrown a friendly glance, even a froward smile, at her. Waiving all + questions of propriety, I hope that this was so, and that the + lady-chauffeur was no less than "<font class="sc">Pat Beauchamp</font>" + herself, in the later stages of her career overseas. Though her only + response may have <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> been to splash mud over me, I should feel + happy, now, thus to have paid my respects to this gallant and + high-spirited lady. I count myself among the company, battalion, + division, corps and army of her admirers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It certainly does not seem eight years, yet it must be fully that, + since <font class="sc">Joseph Conrad</font> in <i>The English Review</i> + lifted a veil that lay between his admirers and an interesting + personality with the pleasantly discursive papers which form the basis of + the re-issued <i>A Personal Record</i> (<font class="sc">Dent</font>). + Between then and now <i>Chance</i>, that masterly but difficult book, has + by a curious freak of public taste given Mr. <font + class="sc">Conrad</font>, hitherto the well-loved favourite of the + relatively few, a much wider constituency. To these late comers, rather + than to the older (and of course superior) Conradists, who know it + already, let me recommend this rambling, which is by no means to say + aimless, account of the wanderings of the MS. of <i>Almayer's Folly</i>, + some queer entertaining scraps of the author's family history, a + description of the encounters with the original <i>Almayer</i>, and those + vignettes of Marseilles which obviously were used as the background of + <i>The Arrow of Gold</i>. This record is one of those quiet friendly + books that flatter the devotee by a sense of peculiar intimacy with his + hero. It is also engagingly characteristic. Mr. <font + class="sc">Conrad</font> here unravels the fine threads of his personal + history and philosophy with the same artful reserve and exquisite + elaboration with which he evolves the creatures of his resourceful + imagination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Life of Liza Lehmann</i> (<font class="sc">Unwin</font>), + written by herself, and finished, as her husband tells in a pathetic + foot-note, "scarcely two weeks before her death," is a book holding many + special bonds of association with <i>Punch</i>, not least the fact that + her father-in-law, Deputy <font class="sc">J.T. Bedford</font>, was the + author of that <i>Robert, the City Waiter</i>, who was among the most + famous and popular of Mr. Punch's early creations. The volume that the + writer has put together is the record of a busy, successful and, on the + whole, happy life, passed in the company of interesting people, about + many of whom Madame <font class="sc">Lehmann</font> has remembered some + entertaining story. Chiefly, as is natural, the persons recorded are the + musical folk of the last half-century, from <font class="sc">Jenny + Lind</font> to Sir <font class="sc">Thomas Beecham</font>; though in the + allied Arts I was taken by a pleasing and new anecdote of <font + class="sc">Robert Browning</font> reciting <i>How they Brought the Good + News</i> into an Edison phonograph, and overcome by loss of memory + halfway through the ordeal. One wonders if this rather surprising record + exists to-day. I am not going to assert that the non-technical reader may + not find the pages devoted to reprinted criticism rather over-numerous; + old newspaper files, like old theatrical photographs, too quickly fade. + But the author's humour endured; and I like to think that she could + appreciate a joke made at her own expense; witness her quotation from the + gushing friend who, at the moment of the first triumph of <i>The Persian + Garden</i>, overwhelmed the composer with the tribute, "<i>Do</i> let me + thank you! The local colour is <i>too</i> wonderful. I simply felt <i>as + if I was at Liberty's</i>!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>To the jaded reader I recommend <i>The Road to En-Dor</i> (<font + class="sc">Lane</font>) as a book which should undoubtedly stir him up. + It is the most extraordinary war-tale which has come my way. With such + material as he had to his hand Lieutenant <font class="sc">E.H. + Jones</font> would have been a sad muddler if he had not made his story + intriguing; but, anyhow, he happens to be a sound craftsman with a + considerable sense of style and construction. And he has a convincing way + of handling his facts that compels belief in the most incredible of + stories. Lieutenant <font class="sc">Jones</font> was a prisoner in the + hands of the Turks at Zozgad, and to amuse himself and his + fellow-prisoners he raised a "spook" which in time gained such a + reputation that it had the Turkish officials almost hopelessly at its + mercy. From being merely a joke his spook soon began to suggest, to him a + way of escaping from the camp, and then, in conjunction with Lieutenant + <font class="sc">C.W. Hill</font>, he worked it for all it was worth. His + record of their adventures and of the sufferings, physical and mental, + which they had to face is really astounding; but I fear it will be + received coldly by the psychist. Spiritualism, indeed, is treated with + scant respect, and whatever our own view of this vexed subject may be + most of us will admit that Lieutenant <font class="sc">Jones</font> has + considerable reason for his strong opinion.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>The Green Shoes of April</i> (<font class="sc">Hurst and + Blackett</font>) Miss <font class="sc">Rachel Swete Macnamara</font> has + got together quite a lot of people and situations that other novelists + have used before. There is the fine young Irishman soldiering in India, + the soulless actress who marries and leaves him, and the splendid Irish + girl, his true mate, whom he weds in happy ignorance of his first + partner's continued existence. But the hero has a maiden aunt, with a + story of her own, and the heroine a terrific grandmother who are Miss + <font class="sc">Macnamara's</font> creations, and as she makes wife + number one lie like a trooper in order to preserve the happiness of wife + number two a <i>soupçon</i> of freshness is imparted to the + <i>réchauffé</i>. Of course the well-meaning first wife is not allowed to + succeed in her efforts, and <i>Beau</i> and <i>Perry</i> (you would never + guess from that which was which, but in this case it doesn't matter) have + a very bad time indeed until, reassured by a friendly barrister, they + settle down again into wedded happiness. These are the confiding souls + whom novelists and lawyers love, and I can see Miss <font + class="sc">Macnamara</font>, by-and-by, getting quite a nice story out of + someone's attempt to oust their eldest son from his inheritance. I hope + she will.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/057.png"><img width="100%" src="images/057.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>FAIRY TALES REVISED.</h3> + + <p><i>Cassim Baba.</i> "<font class="sc">Ah! now I have it—'Open + Sesame!' Lucky thing I had that course of lessons in memory + training</font>."</p> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, January 21st, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16271-h.htm or 16271-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/7/16271/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dff4a9b --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/056.png diff --git a/16271-h/images/057.png b/16271-h/images/057.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..78614ad --- /dev/null +++ b/16271-h/images/057.png diff --git a/16271.txt b/16271.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d407bc --- /dev/null +++ b/16271.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2046 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 21st, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 21st, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 12, 2005 [EBook #16271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +January 21st, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that the Frenchman who lost his temper so completely during a +duel with pistols that he threatened to shoot his opponent will be +suspended from taking part in similar encounters for the next six months. + +* * * + +A man who had half a ton of coal delivered to him without warning has been +removed to an asylum, where he is being treated for coal-shock. + +* * * + +Wrexham Education Committee has decided not to have Welsh taught in the +elementary schools. Doubts have recently arisen, it appears, as to whether +it will ever be the chosen medium of communication in the League of +Nations. + +* * * + +"There is a movement on foot," says _The Daily Mail_, "to brighten the +dress of boys." Smith Tertius writes to say that, according to the best +opinion in his set, the waist should be worn fuller and less attention paid +to the "sit" of the shirt. + +* * * + +A man recently arrested in Dublin was found to have in his possession a +loaded revolver, three sticks of gelignite, four lengths of fuse, a number +of detonators and a jemmy. It is thought that he may have been dabbling in +politics. + +* * * + +"Demobilised men are doing such execution at the London World's Fair +Shooting Galleries," says a news item, "that the supply of bottles is +running short." Nothing, however, can be done about it till the PRIME +MINISTER returns from Paris. + +* * * + +"There is a proper time for the last meal of the day," says a medical +writer. We have always been of the opinion that supper should not be taken +between meals. + +* * * + +After addressing a meeting for two hours, says a contemporary, TROTSKY +fainted. A more humane man would have fainted first. + +* * * + +We feel very jealous of the suburban gentleman who wrote last week asking +what an O.B.E. was, and whether, if it was a bird, it should be fed on +hemp-seed or ants' eggs. + +* * * + +With reference to the wooden house which fell down last week, the builder +is of the opinion that a sparrow must have accidentally stepped on it. + +* * * + +Lord BIRKENHEAD describes the Coalition as an "invertebrate and undefined +body." Meaning that they have rather more wishbone than backbone. + +* * * + +An Indian native was recently sentenced to write a poem. In other countries +of course you commit a poem first and are sentenced afterwards. + +* * * + +Mr. F.H. ROSE, M.P., writing in _The Sunday Pictorial_, refers to the +Ministry of Munitions as "a veritable monument of superfluous futility." +For ourselves we don't mind futility so long as it isn't superfluous. + +* * * + +Will the lady who, during the Winter Sales' scramble, inadvertently went +off with two husbands please return the other one to his rightful owner? + +* * * + +Mr. J.H. SYMONS, the Weymouth draper novelist, has told a _Star_ reporter +that he only writes novels for a hobby. This sets him apart from the many +who do it with malicious intent. + +* * * + +A referee has lodged a complaint against the Football Club on whose ground +he was assaulted by several spectators who disagreed with his decisions. +Although sympathising with him we fear his attempt to rob our national game +of its most sporting element will not meet with general approval. + +* * * + +It is generally expected that, owing to the number of deaths from whisky +poisoning which have occurred of late, America may decide to go dry again. + +* * * + +It is reported on good authority that Mr. C.B. COCHRAN will visit America +daily until the signature of DEMPSEY'S manager is obtained. + +* * * + +LENIN, says a contemporary, has completed his plans for the overthrow of +civilisation. It seems that all our efforts to conceal from him its +presence in our midst are doomed to failure. + +* * * + +"A search for combined beauty and brains," says _The Daily Mail_, "has been +instituted by _The Weekly Dispatch_." We gather, however, that a good +circulation will also be taken into consideration. + +* * * + +According to the Technical Secretary of the Civil Aviation Committee a +vehicle has been designed which is equally at home in the air, on land, on +the water and under it. It is said to be distinguishable from Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL only by the latter's eloquence. + +* * * + +We understand that certain members of the betting classes have demanded +that the starting price for coal should be published each day in the early +evening papers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_Miles from anywhere._ + +_Tammas._ "COULD YE OBLIGE ME WI' A MATCH, SIR?" + +_Stranger._ "I'M AFRAID I'VE ONLY GOT ONE." + +_Tammas._ "AY--SHE'LL DO."] + + * * * * * + +A TRIUMPH OF REALISM. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "'FALLING WATERS.' 'Not a dry page in it.'" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW POLYGAMY. + + "The bride... carried a handsome bouquet of harem lilies."--_Local + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE BENEFITS OF PEACE + +(_as they appear to be viewed by certain unofficial guardians of public +morality_). + + When Peace superseded the strife and the stress + Which the public regard as a gift for the Press, + It was feared in the quiet that followed the storm, + With nothing to do but retrench and reform, + That the Town would be painted a colourless tint + And the printers have nothing exciting to print. + + That fear was unfounded, I'm happy to say, + And red is the dominant tone of to-day; + So far from incurring a shortage of news + While the place is made fit for our heroes to use, + We cannot remember a rosier time; + We have rarely enjoyed such an orgy of crime. + + There are scandals as nice for the reader to nose + As any old garbage of carrion crows; + Our mystery-mongers are full of resource; + There's a bigamy boom and a vogue of divorce; + To the licence of flappers we freely allude, + And we do what we can with the cult of the nude. + + No, the War isn't missed; there's a murrain of strikes + Where a paper can take any side that it likes; + We are done with denouncing the filth of the Bosch, + But we still have our own dirty linen to wash; + Though we trade with the brute as a man and a brother, + Our Warriors still can abuse one another. + + And if spicier features incline to be slack + There is always the Chief of the State to attack; + We have standing instructions to cake him with mud + And a couple of columns reserved for his blood. + Oh, yes, there is Peace, but our property thrives-- + We are having, I tell you, the time of our lives. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WANTED." + +HOLLAND. "SO YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE ME TO SURRENDER THE EX-KAISER?" + +ENTENTE POLICEMAN. "WELL, MA'AM, I DIDN'T GO SO FAR AS THAT. I ONLY _ASKED_ +YOU FOR HIM."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BALLYBUN LOTTERY. + + [_A propos_ of Premium Bonds it has been recalled that in his evidence, + given some years ago before a Select Committee, the then Under- + Secretary for Ireland stated that in that distressful country + "lotteries are very much used for religious purposes by people of all + denominations," and that "it would be flying in the face of public + opinion, especially of the great religious bodies, to interfere with + them."] + +Murphy has given up charity for ever. He was perhaps fuller of this virtue +than any other body in Ballybun, and his house was packed with things he +had won at raffles. When a brick tore a hole in the Orange drum our +Presbyterian pastor at once got up a bazaar for repairs to the chapel, and +Murphy won the finest silver tea-service this side of the Aran Islands. +Murphy knew no distinctions of race, creed or sex in the holy cause of +charity. When our Methodist minister, who is universally popular, as his +knowledge of a horse would be a credit to any denomination, got up an +Auction Bridge Drive in aid of the Anti-Gambling League, Murphy came home +with three pink antimacassars, a discourse by JEREMY TAYLOR and two months' +pay out of the pocket of McDougal, the organist, who seems to play cards by +ear. But Nemesis was lying in ambush for Murphy. + +Three old ladies in Trim decided to get up a Tombola for the poor this +winter, and of course they sent Murphy a sheaf of tickets. As lotteries are +illegal they, being pious, hated them; anyway they decided to call it a +Tombola. They got the whole of Ireland to send them prizes, articles of +vertu and bric-a-brac, and any other old things that are of no use to +anybody, The carriage on the stuff and the printer's bill nearly ruined the +charitable ladies, but, as they said, the Tombola would pay all the +expenses, and if they could knock any more out of it the poor should have +it. + +If you sold a dozen tickets you could keep the thirteenth for yourself, and +as Murphy, on account of his charity, was so popular he must have sold +hundreds. People seemed to have an idea that the raffle was for a gondola, +and they thought it would look beautiful on the pond in front of the Town +Hall. Unfortunately our local poetess confirmed this error by writing a +poem about it called "Italy in Ireland," which was produced in _The +Ballybun Binnacle_, with a misprint about the gondolier's "untanned sole," +which caused a fracas in the editorial office. + +Murphy explained to all concerned that perhaps his Italian was rusty, and +anyway his time was so taken up reading lottery-tickets and other +charitable literature that he never knew what it was all for. It was a +Tombola, however, this time, and not a gondola, they were subscribing for. +It was a kind of Italian lottery which the police didn't mind because the +prizes were not in money or anything of value, but just Old Masters and +brick-bracks. Murphy has such a way with him that the editor and the +poetess each took a dozen tickets. + +When the result of the draw was published Murphy won six prizes, but no one +grudged him them as he had taken so much trouble. The Grand Prize, a +"statue carved by an Italian artist, the finest bit of sculpture ever seen +in Ireland," was won by our popular grocer, Mr. McAroon. We were all +delighted. People trooped in crowds to McAroon's back-door after closing- +time to toll him so. The police took their names, but the magistrates, who +have a great respect for the fine arts, said that this was a day in the +artistic development of the Cinderella of the West which automatically and +_prima facie_ regularised an extension of closing-hours. + +McAroon said that his religion did not run much to statues, but that, to +show his tolerance to all denominations, especially to those on his books, +he would have it unveiled by his Minister. He would invite the Bishop and +all men of goodwill to be present at the ceremony. He would place it in the +corner of his garden overlooking the esplanade, where it would cheer the +simple mariners coming home after their arduous fishing toils, and perhaps +remind one or two of them (but he would mention no names) of a dozen or so +of porter that had been left unpaid for after a recent wedding. + +The Ballybun express carries no goods whatever, except with the connivance +of the guard and driver, who are both very decent Ballybun boys, and will +bring anything down from Dublin for anyone. They promised to carry the +statue themselves from the railway station up to McAroon's house. If the +express was less than three hours late, which it was sure to be if it was +running smoothly, they could just beam-end the statue on its pedestal and +the presiding elder could unveil it with a hammer. + +The train was not too late, just punctually late, and the guard had time to +hurry the statue along through the biggest crowd we have had for years in +Ballybun. + +The Minister said that he would not open the case with prayer, because it +might give offence to friends of other Christian denominations; he would +just knock the front off and let this matchless piece of statuary from the +blue skies of Italy dazzle them with its beauty. It needed no words from +him, but he would just like to remind any of his flock present that the +collection next Sunday was for the heathen both at home and abroad. + +The statue then flashed out on us and left us breathless. + +It was the most scandalous thing ever seen in Ballybun; it was Venus rising +from the sea without a stitch. There she stood with one hand raised toward +the sky and the other pointing at the backs of all the pious people in +Ballybun as they hurried indignantly home. Some of them blamed McAroon, +while others said that Murphy knew all the time what a Tombola really was +and that he ought to be ashamed of himself. + +The Bishop ordered his people not to deal at McAroon's until Murphy had +removed the scandalous object. So many bitter things were said that +McAroon, who is obstinate when roused, vowed that as long as the sun shone +in heaven the lady should add lustre to his back-yard. The Minister however +tried to move him to a more prayerful spirit. + +McAroon said it wouldn't be right to smash up for firewood a marble statue +that had cost five hundred pounds if a penny. The clergyman said that if +everybody stopped away from his store he would lose more than that in a +year, and that in any case, if McAroon suffered, he would suffer in the +holy cause of charity. + +McAroon's piety was touched, and he said that in the interests of peace and +holy charity he would agree on a compromise. He had forsooth to keep his +vow and let the lady stop, but she had two outstretched arms and there was +always abundance of family washing on hand in the daytime at all events. +The clergy of all denominations agreed that his decision was in keeping +with the best traditions of a Family Grocer. + +Murphy and McAroon made it up publicly. Murphy asked how anyone in Ballybun +could possibly know the Italian bathing regulations. Italy was a godless +country; but "anyway," said he, "hear you me. I have suffered so much in +mind from this that I have done with charity for ever." + +Christian peace and friendship reign once more in Ballybun; but any visitor +who desires to see the beauties of Spagnoletti's famous masterpiece (what +McAroon calls his "Anna Dryomeny") without the washing to serve as a veil +must come by night and bring his own matches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MINISTERIAL ATTITUDE. + +_Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "NAH THEN--WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IN +THE 'OUSE O' COMMONS?"] + + * * * * * + +SO LONG. + + All coiled down, and it's time for us to go, + Every sail's furled in a smart harbour stow, + Another ship for us an' for her another crew; + An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you! + + Fun an' friends I wish you till the pay's all gone, + Pleasure while you spend it an' content when it's done, + An' a chest that's not empty when you go back to sea, + An' a better ship than she's been an' a truer pal than me. + + A good berth I wish you in a ship that's well-found, + With a decent crowd forrard an' her gear all sound, + Spars a man can trust to when it comes on to blow, + An' no bo'sun bawlin' when it's your watch below. + + A good Trade I wish you an' a fair landfall, + Neither fog nor iceberg, nor long calm nor squall, + A pleasant port to come to when the work's all through... + An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you! + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW POOR. + +"GOOD MORNING, MADAM. I DEAL IN CAST-OFF CLOTHING." + +"OH, HOW LUCKY! DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT WOULD SUIT MY +HUSBAND?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SMUGGLER. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +"If I am to be a bold bad smuggler, old scream," said Percival, packing +pyjamas and parcels into his bag, "I demand the proper costume and +accessories of the craft. No self-respecting smuggler can be expected to +run a cargo in a British warm and field-boots." + +"Of course, my swaggering buccaneer, if you want to do it in the grand +manner," answered Frederick, "I'll arrange for the saucy little cutter, the +sequestered cove an' the hard-riding exciseman with a cocked hat and +cutlass. But the simpler if less picturesque way is to dump your bag on the +counter at the Customs House and be taken with a fit of sneezing when the +Grand Inquisitor asks you if you have anything to declare." + +"Whereupon he'll hand me a quinine tablet and, when I show signs of +convalescence, repeat the question in a loud voice. And if I don't know the +correct answer I'll find myself meditating in Portland or Pentonville. +That's what I'm exposing myself to by obliging corrupt an' unscrupulous +friends," continued Percival bitterly. + +"Hang it!" expostulated Frederick, "the potty little bottle of scent I'm +asking you to deliver to my cousin Julia won't get you more than a +seven-days' stretch. And you've got _fourteen_ days' leave." + +"Well, I won't grumble about that, although I'd arranged my programme +differently. But what about the box of Flor Fantomas I'm taking for the +Major, and the bottle of whisky with which the skipper has entrusted me for +the purpose of propitiating his projected father-in-law, to say nothing of +the piece of Brussels lace which Binnie says is for his aunt. Their +combined weight will just about earn me a lifer. I can see me wiring the +War Office for an extension of leave on urgent business grounds--nature of +business, to enable applicant to complete term of penal servitude." + +"Don't, Percival, old crumpet," murmured Frederick, visibly affected; "the +thought of you languishing in a felon's cell, without cigarettes, gives me +a pain in my heart. Let me see what I can do for you." + +In a few minutes he was back, beaming. "I've fixed it all right, _mon +lapin_," he said; "if the worst comes to the worst they'll bail you out +with the Mess funds. But they won't accept further responsibility. The +Major says, if a fellow who's spent his whole career dodging duties can't +dodge the duty on a box of cigars he doesn't deserve sympathy." + +So Percival proceeded on leave with a heavy bag and a heavier conscience. +On the boat he was greeted hilariously by Gillow the gunner and Sparkes the +sapper, who invited him below to drink success to the voyage. In order to +give the voyage no chance of failure they continued to drink success to it +until the vessel backed into Folkestone Harbour, when they felt their +precautions might be relaxed. + +"Thanks to our efforts we've arrived safely," said Gillow as they strolled +up on deck; "but the sight of jolly old England doesn't seem to be moving +you to mirth and song, Percival. Why this outward-bound expression when +we're on the homeward tack, my hearty?" + +"It's the gnawing molar of conscience," said Percival ruefully; "I've got a +consignment of pink-ribboned parcels in my bag which I know to contain +contraband and which I also suspect--Frederick's and Binnie's anyway--to +contain amorous missives not meant for vulgar eyes. If I deliver the +parcels with the seals broken I shall get the glacial glare from the +damsels concerned, and when I get back scorpions and poisoned bill-hooks +will be too good for poor Percival." + +"Phew!" whistled Sparkes. "They go through your baggage with a fine +toothcomb nowadays. Couldn't you drop over the side with your bag and drift +ashore on a deserted beach, disguised as a floating mine?" + +"I've cut impersonations of hardware out of my _repertoire_ since the day I +failed to get past an R.T.O. disguised as a brass-hat," said Percival +sadly. "I suppose I must fall back on direct action. I've a feeling that +England expects every man this day to pay his duty." + +On the quay there was the usual mad charge of porters. Percival indicated +his bag to one of them with a distracted air, and followed him to the +Customs House guiltily. The porter dumped the bag before an official, who +had a piece of chalk hopefully poised between his fingers. + +"'Nything t' 'clare?" he asked, preparing to affix the sign which spelt +freedom. + +Percival blew his nose violently, hoping the chalk would descend to save +him the necessity of answering, but it remained poised in mid-air. + +"Anything to declare?" repeated the official, with emphasis. + +"Er," said Percival weakly--"nothing that you need worry about--only a few +presents." + +"I'll have to trouble you for your keys, then," said the incorruptible. + +Percival sighed dismally and produced them. Suddenly he noticed Gillow +declaring his baggage, and became so interested that he failed to perceive +that the official was in difficulties with the lock of his bag. + +"This the right key, Sir?" demanded the latter at length. + +"Oh, yes," said Percival absently. "But perhaps the bag isn't locked." + +The bag wasn't. It opened easily, and the official plunged into a welter of +articles of personal use; but no parcels or dutiable goods came to light. + +"P'raps you think it's a joke, wasting my time like this," snorted the +official indignantly. "All I can say is, it's an infernal bad one." + +"Awf'lly sorry," said Percival sweetly, as his eye followed Gillow, who had +emerged unchallenged. "I must have forgotten to bring the parcels I spoke +about." + +Smiling cheerfully, he directed the porter to place his bag by the side of +Gillow's in a Pullman, and took his seat with an expression of complete +content. + +"How fares the master criminal?" asked Sparkes. + +"A sympathetic friend took my troubles on his shoulders," said Percival, +"and got the parcels through with an effrontery which amazed me. I always +took him for an upright youth, too." + +"Who was it?" asked Gillow. + +"You! Didn't you notice you took my bag by mistake? But don't let it weigh +unduly on your conscience. Mine's clear anyway, and I feel that my troubles +are over." + +But it was not till he got home and opened his own bag that he discovered a +quantity of broken glass, a pungent odour of whisky and Cologne water, a +discoloured parcel of lace and a box of sodden cigars. + +"I was never meant for a smuggler," he groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE BOOK OF ADVENTURE. + + Oh the glory of the trappers! + Oh to be as in this book, + Chasing things in furry wrappers, + Poking from their crevice-nook + Loudly though they squeak and grumble, + Squirrel fitch and Arctic cat + (_Editor:_ "I do not tumble; + Will you please explain this jumble?" + _Author:_ "I shall come to that"). + + Oh! (as I was just remarking + When you interrupted me) + Where the marabouts are barking + It is there that I would be; + Where on promontories stony + All the loud Atlantic raves + And the, if not very tony, + Still quite practical seal coney + Plunges in the wind-whipt waves. + + Where the graceful skunk opossum + And the stylish leopard mink + Scamper as you come across 'em, + Climb upon the canon's brink, + Gambol with the pony musquash, + Claimed not for a collar yet-- + Far away from London's bus-squash + And advertisements of tusk-wash + Are my yearning visions set. + + If such dreams and such romances, + Editor and reader mine, + Have not filled your heart with fancies-- + Silence and the lonely pine, + Distant snows that cool the fever + Of a weary world-worn soul, + There where life is no deceiver + And the wallaby-dyed-beaver + Makes a very natural mole-- + + If you have not heard the calling + Of the lone, lone trail and far, + Where the animals enthralling + I have lately mentioned are, + Nature splendid and full-blooded, + Just a gun and pipe and dog + (How those avalanches thudded!)-- + No? Why, then you can't have studied + Perkins' Bargain Catalogue. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +DYSPEPSIA DE LUXE.] + + * * * * * + +BILLIARDS. + +HERBERT _V._ JAMES. + +This match of a hundred up was played in the handsome saloon of the +"Leadswingers' Arms" yesterday afternoon before an unusually dense crowd, +who both came in just too late to secure the table. It is understood that +the game was arranged as the result of a heated discussion during lunch the +same day, in the course of which Herbert had the effrontery to tell me--I +mean, to tell James--that what I--that is, he--knew about billiards +wouldn't cover the pyramid-spot. James, who some hours later thought of a +perfectly priceless repartee, which he has since forgotten, replied with +dignity by challenging the other to an immediate game. Herbert accepted +and, hastily finishing their lunch, the two repaired to the nearest +billiard-room. + +"I'm not due back at the office for another twenty minutes, so we've tons +of time," observed Herbert airily as they entered. + +James looked at him, but said nothing. He had the better of the opening +manoeuvres, however, for he secured the only cue that possessed a +non-flexible tip; Herbert's was at the best of the semi-rigid type, a fact +which impelled him to declare that the place would soon resemble a popular +tea-shop. Not being pressed for an elucidation of this remark, he +volunteered one. "No tips," he explained as he tenderly chalked his. + +Herbert won the toss and elected to break with spot, which appeared to be a +rounder ball than its fellow. Taking a careful and protracted aim at the +red, he only missed the object-ball by inches, his own travelling twice +round the table before finally coming to rest in baulk. + +"Now then, Inman," he said, with a poor attempt at jauntiness, "score off +that if you can." + +James's reply was a calculated safety-miss, which only failed of its +intention in that it left his ball about an inch away from the middle +pocket. The closeness of the contest may be gauged from the fact that at +this stage the game was called (or would have been called if the marker had +not gone out to his dinner) at one all. + +"In off the white," declared Herbert, and promptly potted it. "Sorry," he +added almost before the ball was in the pocket. + +[Illustration: A MASTERLY TEN-SHOT, WHICH COLLECTED ALL THREE BALLS IN THE +BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND POCKET. + +[The continuous line shows the path of the striker's ball and the dotted +lines those of the object balls.]] + +For some time after this episode, which chilled the atmosphere a trifle, +the exchanges were uneventful. A slight tendency towards "barracking" on +the part of the crowd was quickly stifled, however, by a brilliant effort +from James, who by means of all-round play built up an attractive break of +5. + +Herbert at once responded by taking off his coat, but for several innings +contributed nothing else of note except a powerful shot which pocketed the +red ball in the fireplace. After an agreement had at last been reached +about the rule governing this particular class of stroke, both players +settled down to their work and put in some useful breaks, runs of 3, 7 and +4 by James being countered by 2, 5, 6 and 3 (twice) by Herbert. The latter +was the first to reach the 50-mark, an event which the crowd signalised by +hanging up their hats and advancing to the table. When they were informed +that the game was one of a hundred up, they seemed disposed to argue the +matter, and from this stage their attitude towards the players became +openly and impartially critical. + +The latter half of the match was marked by a somewhat peculiar incident. +With the game standing at 75 all Herbert made a stroke that left the red +hovering on the brink of a pocket. He waited anxiously, but with no result. +At this point one of the crowd emitted a prodigious yawn, and it was the +intense vibration set up from this act, so James declared, that induced the +ball to topple over into the pocket. In support of his contention that no +score should ensue he pointed to a framed copy of the Rules of Billiards on +the wall that balanced a coloured advertisement of Tommy Dodd whisky, and +recited the rule on vibration. Herbert strenuously denied that any such +phenomenon had taken place, and when James appealed to its author he was +met with such an outburst of elephantine sarcasm that he refrained from +further contesting the point. + +After this the luck of the play went against James, and when, the marker +having by now finished his meal, the score was actually called at 90-99 in +his opponent's favour, he might have been excused for giving up the game as +lost. With dogged determination, however, he faced the situation. His own +ball was somewhere near the centre, the red about eighteen inches from the +top left-hand pocket, and the white midway between the right-hand cushion +and the D. With an almost superhuman stroke (but _not_, as was subsequently +averred, with his eyes shut) he smote the red, and his ball travelled +rapidly up and down the table. On the down journey it glanced off the +white, after which, still going at a tremendous pace, it made a complete +tour of the table and concluded its meteoric career in the bottom +right-hand pocket. Meanwhile the red and the white had both departed on +voyages of their own, the terminus in each case being the self-same pocket. +(_See diagram._) After the balls had been taken out, examined and counted, +and James's person had been searched to see if he were concealing any, the +marker pronounced this to be a 10-shot, and the game was thus strikingly +ended in James's favour. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"HOP IT, LEANDER! THE HELLESPONT'S DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE TANK. THIS +END'S 'FUN AT FLOUNDER BEACH.'"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The Great Song of a Britisher is-- + 'There's No Place Like Home.' + STAY AT ----'S HOTEL, + And you'll Sing it and Realise it."--_South African Paper._ + + "The mere selling of an article is a simple matter, but keeping the + customer sold is our principal aim."--_Advt. in West Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Novice._ "WOULD YOU MIND MY PASSING, PLEASE?" + +_Second ditto._ "NOT AT ALL--NOT AT ALL--IF YOU DON'T MIND USING ME AS THE +HANDRAIL."] + + * * * * * + +MY DEBUT IN "PUNCH." + +I am, I hope, decently modest. When I said so once to Margery she remarked +that there was no need to make a virtue of necessity. But younger sisters, +of course... + +I came down to breakfast at my usual time--as the others were finishing-- +and found a letter awaiting me. I opened it under the usual fire of insults +from Margery and John. To-day I ignored them, however, and my young heart +gave a small jump. I am a modest young man. + +"What's the matter with you, little Sunbeam?" asked John (he is Cecilia's +husband, through no fault of mine). "Is the tailor more rude than usual, or +has she found out your address?" + +"The Vicar has asked him to sing at the Band of Hope," suggested Margery. + +I commenced my breakfast. + +"What is it, Alan?" asked Cecilia. + +"Oh, nothing," I said easily. "The proof of a thing of mine that _Punch_ +has accepted." + +They hadn't a word to say for a few seconds, then Margery began:-- + +"Poor old dear, it must be some awful mistake." + +I ignored Margery. + +"But, Alan darling, how beautiful! You've been trying for years and years +and now at last it has happened. I _do_ hope it isn't a mistake," said +Cecilia anxiously. She was trying to be nice, you know. I'm sure she was. I +went on with my breakfast. + +"Well, John," said Cecilia, "can't you congratulate him, or are you too +jealous?" + +John sighed deeply and pondered. + +"Terrible how _Punch_ has gone down since our young days, isn't it?" he +said heavily. + + * * * * * + +I spent a miserable time until it appeared. Somehow or other Cecilia let +the great glad news get about the village. Farley, our newsagent and +tobacconist, held me when I went in for an ounce of the usual mild. + +"So I 'ear you've 'ad a article printed by this 'ere _Punch_, Sir," he +said. "Somethink laughable it'd be, I suppose like, eh?" + +"Not half," I said, striving hard to impersonate a successful humourist. + +"Ah, well, it's all good for business," he said, as one who sees the silver +lining. "I've 'ad quite a number of orders for the paper for the next two +or three weeks." + +I crept from the shop, only to meet an atrocious woman from "The Gables," +who stopped me with a little shriek of joy. + +"Oh, Mr. Jarvis, I've been dying to meet you, do you know. I always have +thought you so funny, ever since that little sketch you got up for the +Bazaar last summer. I said to my husband when I heard of your success, +'_I'm_ not surprised. After that sketch, _I knew_.' _Do_ tell me when it's +appearing. I'm sure I shall simply scream at it." + +I escaped after a time and wondered whether it was too late to stop +publication of the horrible thing. + + * * * * * + +I came down to breakfast and found John with a copy beside him. I looked at +him. + +"Yes," he said, "the worst has happened. It is in print. We have been +waiting for you to appear." + +He turned the pages and cleared his throat. + +"I shall now read the article aloud," he said. "Each time I raise my hand +the audience will please burst into hearty laughter." + +Margery giggled. + +"Cecilia," I said, rising, "if you don't control this reptile that you have +married, if you don't force him to hold his peace, if you allow him to read +one word, I'll throw the bread-knife at him and ... and pour my coffee all +over the tablecloth." + +"John," said Cecilia, "have a little thought for others and read it quietly +to yourself." + +Cecilia meant well, of course, but Margery giggled again. + +John read it to himself in a dead silence, sighed heavily and passed it to +Margery. + +"We shall never live it down," he said, putting his head into his hands and +gazing moodily at the marmalade. + +Margery read it and giggled three or four times; but Margery giggles at +anything. + +Cecilia read it and beamed. + +"Alan, dear," she said, "it's lovely! Of _course_ they accepted it. John, +you wretch, say you liked it." (Cecilia can be a dear.) + +"Well, if I must tell the truth," said John, "it isn't quite so bad as I +expected. In fact I very much doubt whether he wrote it at all. If he +did--well, it's a marvellous fluke, that's all." + +I smiled. + +"You may smile, swelled-head," said John; "but I'll bet you five golden +guineas to a bad tanner you couldn't do it again." + +"Done," I said. + +After a few days, however, I realised that I had made a mistake. Even a bad +sixpence is worth something nowadays. + +Cecilia and Margery vied with each other in offering me the feeblest +suggestions for articles that they felt sure would reduce a rhinoceros to +hysterics. John presented me with a copy of _A Thousand and One Jokes and +Anecdotes_ "to prove he was a sportsman," he said. I started to look for a +bad sixpence. + +Then Margery said to me:-- + +"Why don't you write and explain the whole thing to the Editor and offer to +go halves if he prints it?" + +I looked at her in amazement. + +"You horrible little cheat!" I said. + + * * * * * + +However, on thinking it over carefully there seems a lot to say for the +idea and it's really quite fair. Anyhow I can't possibly let John win. So +here's the story, and with any luck it will cost John five golden guineas. +But I shan't give the Editor half. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (rather sceptical about what she regards as her +new toy)._ "PUT HIM ON THE FLOOR, MUMMY, AND SEE IF HE'LL GO."] + + * * * * * + +THE PERILS OF HUMOUR. + +From _Punch_:-- + + "'THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do well."'-- + _Rangoon Times._" + +From _The Manchester Evening Chronicle_:-- + + "'THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do dwell."' + + _Rangoon Times_, quoted in _Punch_." + + * * * * * + + "It was reported to the Sanitary Committee yesterday that the Inspector + of Nuisances had made arrangements for the repair of the meteorological + instruments."--_Local Paper._ + +Judging by our recent weather, quite the right man to look after it. + + * * * * * + +From a money-lender's circular:-- + + "Having been, perhaps, the richest nation in the world before the war, + and wealth being only comparative, it is our empirical duty to achieve + a like position again." + +So that's why they are "trying it on." + + * * * * * + + "The news, says the Paris correspondent of _The Times_, in itself is + serious enough as showing the dangers of letting the Adriatic + settlement continue to be at the mercy of a coup de theatre or coup de + d'etat, whichever one may like to call it."--_Evening Paper._ + +We fancy the Paris correspondent of _The Times_ would prefer the former. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVEN-HANDED JUSTICE + +(_As dispensed by the LORD CHANCELLOR and a predecessor_). + +INJURED PARTIES (_simultaneously_). + +"OH! TO BE SMACKED BY THOSE WE LOVE DOTH WORK LIKE MADNESS IN THE BRAIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENZIED BOXING FINANCE. + +_Master of the Ceremonies._ "LOOK 'ERE! 'FORE MY MAN FIGHTS HE WANTS TWO +POTTIES, THREE GLASSIES AN' A BLOOD-ALLEY; AN' I WANTS A PACKET O' FAGS FOR +MESELF."] + + * * * * * + +THE BURIAL OF DUNDEE. + +"Dundee is dead," said my wife, returning from her morning visit to the +kitchen. + +"I am very sorry to hear it," I replied, laying down the newspaper on the +breakfast-table, at which I still lingered; and indeed I was sorry. Dundee +had been our household cat from the earliest days of our married life, from +the time when he was a tiny kitten the colour of marmalade, which had +earned him his name. + +"Cook is very much upset," my wife continued. + +"Her distress does her credit," I answered. + +"She talks of leaving." + +I must confess with shame that a pang acuter than the first went through me +at the news, for Cook was one of those rare artists who understands the +value of surprise and never rides success to death. + +"Ask her to reconsider her decision," I said. + +"I have," said my wife, "and she remained immovable." + +"Perhaps when the first shock has worn off?" + +"There is just a chance." + +"Yes, I am sure you can persuade her," I concluded, preparing to leave for +my office. + +"Before you go," interrupted my wife, "what are we going to do about the +burial?" + +"How does one usually dispose of dead cats?" I asked. "I thought the +dustman--" + +"Out of the question." + +"I know it is forbidden by the by-laws of the Corporation, but a shilling +----" + +"How stupid you are! If anything were to decide Cook to go it would be +handing over Dundee's remains to the dustman. You know how particular Cook +is about funerals." + +I knew indeed. The rate of mortality among her friends and relations was +abnormally high, and on account, as I suspect, of her skill in cookery she +was in frequent demand as a mourner. By continual attendance she had +cultivated a nice sense of what was fitting on these occasions and posed as +an authority on the subject. + +"Very well, then, let's have him buried," I said. + +"Where?" + +"In our garden." + +"Who by?" + +"Palmer or Emily." + +Palmer and Emily are respectively the parlour- and house-maid. + +"Both would say it was not the work for which they were engaged. They would +leave at the same time as Cook, if I asked them." + +"Who else can we get?" I asked. + +"Yourself," my wife made answer. + +"Me? But I can't be seen by all the street burying a cat." I should explain +that our only garden is in front of the house. + +"If you wait till it is dark you needn't be afraid of anyone seeing you," +protested my wife. + +"And run the risk of being detected by some suspicious policeman. No, thank +you." + +"Then if you won't do it yourself you must find someone who will. It is our +last hope of persuading Cook to stay." + +"By heaven!" I cried, looking at my watch, I am a quarter-of-an-hour late. +I must run." + +This was my customary device to evade the embarrassing dilemmas which my +wife not infrequently thrust upon me at this hour. So for the moment I +escaped. All day in the office I was fully occupied. From time to time the +memory of Dundee lying stark in the basement obtruded itself upon my +thoughts, but I dismissed the vision as one does a problem one has not the +courage to face. + +The problem remained unsolved when I stepped out of the train on my return +from the City. To gain time for reflection I resolved to make a detour. As +I struck into an unfamiliar side street, I looked up, and there in front of +me stood an undertaker's shop. + +The inspiration! I entered. From the back premises advanced to meet me the +undertaker, with a visage tentatively wobegone, not yet knowing whether I +was widower, orphan, businesslike executor or merely the busybody family +friend. I unfolded my difficulty. Beneath the outer crust of professional +melancholy there evidently seethed within the undertaker a lava of +joviality. + +"Certainly, Sir, certainly," he said. "It is not perhaps strictly in my +line, but one of my assistants will be delighted to earn an extra shilling +or so by obliging you. What name and address?" + +I joyfully gave both and made my way home. + +Midway through dinner came a ring at the front-door bell. Palmer +interrupted her service to answer, and returned to me with a card on a +salver. + +"A gentleman to see you, Sir," she announced. + +"How strange, at this hour! Who can it be?" asked my wife. + +"The gentleman to bury Dundee," I explained in a lowered voice, as I passed +the visiting-card, deeply edged with black, across the table to her. + +Next morning my wife was able to announce that Cook had consented to stay. +The burial of Dundee by a real undertaker had gratified her sense of the +correct. I departed to the City filled with self-complacency. + +For a month I dwelt in this fool's paradise. Then one evening my wife +gently broke the news. + +"I have something serious to tell you. Cook has given notice." + +"Who is dead now?" I asked. + +"No one. She is engaged to be married." + +"Married?" + +"Yes, to the young undertaker." + +"What young undertaker?" + +"The one who buried Dundee." + +It was too true. At supper, after the inhumation, a mutual esteem had +sprung up that rapidly ripened into love. The enterprising young +journeyman, so enamoured of his calling that he consented to inter dumb +creatures in his leisure time, had evidently discerned in Cook, with her +wealth of funeral lore, a helpmeet worthy of himself; while Cook on her +side, conquered by his diligence and discretion, considered she had secured +a respectable settlement for life, with the prospect of obsequies of the +highest class for herself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cheery Member (to Club pessimist_). "HULLO, OLD CHAP! +HAVING A BAD CROSSING?"] + + * * * * * + +CLERICAL EDUCATION. + +[The Rev. KENNEDY BELL, in _The Daily Sketch_, deplores the dreariness of +parish magazines and suggests, with a view to brighten their contents, that +clergymen should serve an apprenticeship on the daily Press.] + + The Reverend Mr. KENNEDY BELL + Is wholly unable to say all's well + With the state of our parish magazines, + And is moved to indicate the means + Of making their pages bright and snappy + And bored subscribers cheerful and happy. + Now the most original of his hints + For galvanizing these dreary prints + Is this: That every parson, before + He aspires to be parish editor, + Should join the staff of a leading daily + And learn to write genially and gaily. + It may be a counsel of sheer perfection, + And yet, perhaps, on further reflection, + We may admit that something is gained + By the plan of having clergymen trained + In the very heart of the Street of Ink + To paint their parish magazines pink. + So generous laymen may haply decide + That it _may_ be worth their while to provide + Each KENNEDY BELL with stepping-stones + To rise to the height of a KENNEDY JONES. + But others, a small and dwindling crew, + Possibly fit, but certainly few, + And cursed with a most pronounced capacity + For suffering from inept vivacity, + Would gladly be reckoned as unenlightened + Could they keep one class of journal un-"brightened." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MY DEAR, YOU ARE NOT DANCING." + +"NO--MOST PROVOKING. I MISLAID MY PARTNER AT PADDINGTON, AND HE HASN'T THE +FAINTEST IDEA WHERE THE DANCE IS."] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF THE LITTER. + +It happened only a couple of weeks ago, but the horrible memory comes back +to me as if it only happened yesterday. It was my own fault, because with a +telephone loose about the place one ought not to encourage other pets. + +"Well," I said to Sibyl, "there we are, and we must make the best of them." + +Sibyl sniffed as she usually does when these periodical occurences happen +in our house. + +"Which of them are you going to keep?" she asked, "and is it really +necessary to keep any of them?" + +"Well," I said; "but----" + +"What I mean to say," said Sibyl, "better do away with them when they are +quite young. It would be far more humane." + +"I am with you up to a point," I said; "I admit they are not a very +prepossessing lot." + +"How they came to be born at all is what I cannot understand," said Sibyl, +who is always like that when trying to be serious. + +"Well," I said, "I have decided to keep one of them--No. 1." + +"But surely," said Sibyl, "that the most delicate one of the lot." + +That, I well knew, was quite true. Whether I should ever rear No. 1 was a +matter for time to prove. It was so delicate that once or twice already it +had been on the verge of collapse, but I had rallied it each time. + +"As for the others," I said, "we shall have to get rid of them." + +I need not go into painful details, but the thing was easily done. That +very evening, unfortunately, through an oversight, No. 1 perished also. + +For this I blame McWhirter. + +"The number of my bus is 21," he said in the theatre buffet that night; "by +the way what's yours?" + +"Whisky," I said absent-mindedly, "and not much soda." + +And it was only after I had drunk it that I realised my error. It was then +too late. + +And that is how New Year Resolution No. 1--the most delicate of the +litter--passed away at the early age of one week. + + * * * * * + +OUR PLUTOCRATIC SPORTSMEN AGAIN. + + "Wanted, set of gold clubs, with bag, for lady."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + +LIFE. + +A MODERN NOVEL--SPASMODIC SCHOOL. + + I. + + Her parents were hygienic, so they never let a germ intrude + Within the cells and tissues of the girl they christened Ermyntrude; + They bathed her body every hour and all internal harm allayed + By pouring Condy's Fluid on her butter and her marmalade; + And when they dressed her took good care to tuck her chest-protector in-- + Result, she grew up strong and fair as any peach or nectarine. + + II. + + She had no fear of lion or of tiger (in imprisonment) + And in an awful storm at sea she asked the mate what mizzen meant; + It was a plucky act; if I'd neglected to report it you'd + Never have known the depth and true dimensions of her fortitude. + If you remain agnostic, if you hold it still not proven, I'll + Give fifty more examples of her courage when a juvenile; + They lie in my portfolio, all printed, filed and docketed, + Including one in which a stick of dynamite she pocketed. + + III. + + She also painted: one could tell her pictures mid a billion, + So daubed were they with ochre blots and splashes of vermilion; + She claimed to be a connoisseur of _objets d'art_ and curios, + But what attracted notice was her openwork and lury hose, + Fashioned in every colour from magenta down to cinnabar, + Suggestive of a rainbow or the various liquors _in_ a bar. + + IV. + + So when she came to twenty-one, the age they call discretional, + The trooping of her followers was, in a word, processional. + + V. + + But she disdained flamboyant types and snubbed the gay and gildy brand; + Instead she loved a decadent whose pagan name was Hildebrand, + Until that sad occasion when she met him coming back o' night, + His system loaded up with bhang and opium and aconite. + + VI. + + An artist next attracted her; she turned on her cajoleries, + And soon in unison they laughed at other people's drolleries; + His speech was polychromous (as the speech of many a carman is); + He mostly talked of masses, lights, half-tones and colour-harmonies; + That was his doom, for one fine day he went to his sarcophagus, + The word "_chiaroscuro_" stuck deep down in his oesophagus. + + VII. + + I do not know; it may have been her hose that took poor Rendall in, + Who previously had flirted with her elder sister, Gwendoline. + This Rendall was a wholesale dealer, very rich and large in all + His habits, though he always said his profits were but marginal. + Well, Rendall kept on waddling round her, like a tired and tardy yak; + His movements showed beyond a doubt that his disease was cardiac; + He took her on the river; after thinking for a time, aloud + He said, "I will propose to you; that is, of course, if I'm allowed." + + VIII. + + And she replied, "If I were going to propose, I'm blest if I + Would personate an elder who is just about to testify. + Now first of all I must remark that Love has come to grip you late + In life, but, passing over that, I've certain things to stipulate: + You must exhibit interest, as even Goth or Vandal would, + In curios and bric-a-brac, in ivories and sandalwood; + And you must cope with cameo, veneer, relief and lacquer (Ah! + And, parenthetically, pay my debts at bridge and baccarat). + I dote on Futurism, and so a mate would give me little ease + Whose views were strictly orthodox on MYRON and PRAXITELES. + You do not understand," she sneered, "so gross is your fatuity; + Well then, I answer 'No,' without a trace of ambiguity." + + IX. + + And Rendall turned back sad at heart; but in a stride his honey-bee + Was in his arms exclaiming, "Then would wasted all your money be. + Come, I will take you with your faults and try to make the best of you; + Your purse is good; perhaps in time I may improve the rest of you." + + [_Publishers' Note_. + + Readers who are not sated yet and still for more are hungering + Will find Vol. II. describe how E. gave cause for scandal-mongering. + Vol. III. narrates how R. became enamoured of a fairy at + A ball, was robbed of all his wealth and joined the proletariat. + How E. washed clothes to earn her bread, while R. reclined in beery ease + Upon his bed, will be exposed in Vol. IV. of this series. + And further volumes show exactly what was worst and best in E., + And how at last, aged eighty-four, she found her life's true destiny.] + + * * * * * + +A SIDE-SLIP. + + "Just before the war we were in danger of having the ugly and even + abominable word 'aviator' fostered upon us. Just as that word seemed + victorious, _The Times_ suddenly announced that it had decided once and + for all to use 'airman' instead, and there can be no doubt that the + example there set, which was copied by journalists on other papers, + secured the predominance of a good new English word over a deformed + importation."--_Times Literary Supplement_. + + "The volume contains some 500 portraits of New England aviators."-- + _Same paper, same date, same page_. + + * * * * * + + "QUARTER MILE CHAMPIONSHIP.--Record, Sgt. Smith (North Staffords), 5 + 2-5secs. + + Wilkinson........ 1 + Goddard.......... 2 + Worsley.......... 3 + +An excellent win, Wilkinson putting in a wonderful spurt in the last 30 +years."--_Indian Paper_. + +From which we infer that he did not succeed in lowering Sergeant Smith's +remarkable record. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF. + +[Illustration: "HORACE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BOILER. SHALL I +GET THE PLUMBER?"] + +[Illustration: "PLUMBER? OF COURSE NOT--] + +[Illustration: I'LL PUT IT RIGHT.] + +[Illustration: JUST GET ME A SPANNER--] + +[Illustration: AND A HAMMER--] + +[Illustration: AND A LADDER--] + +[Illustration: AND SOME STRING--] + +[Illustration: AND A WOODEN PLUG OR TWO--] + +[Illustration: AND AS MANY TOWELS AS YOU CAN FIND--] + +[Illustration: AND ALL THE BLANKETS IN THE HOUSE--] + +[Illustration: AND--] + +[Illustration: THE DOCTOR."] + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE THE TRADUCER. + +The members of the League of Scottish Veterans of the World War met +recently in New York, and after "due deliberation" (_Query_, Can Scotchmen +deliberate "duly" in New York now?) passed a resolution demanding that +SHAKSPEARE'S tragedy, _Macbeth_, be removed from the curriculum of English +literature studies in American schools. + +Apparently this was an example of "dry" Scotch humour. A neighbouring city +had previously banned _The Merchant of Venice_ from its schools on the +ground that the character of _Shylock_ was a libel on the Jewish race. If +Jewish children no longer had to pay for school editions of _The Merchant +of Venice_ should Scottish infants still have to squander their bawbees on +a play that insulted their forbears? Perish the thought! "We consider," +they declared, "that if a Jewish gabardine is to be cleaned by American +Boards of Education the stain should likewise be removed from the Scottish +kilt." And if there are no reliable cleaners in the U.S.A. it should be +sent to Perth. + +The example thus nobly set is being widely followed. The members of the +Southern Jazz-band Union met yesterday way down in Tennessee, and passed a +resolution demanding the elimination of _Othello_ from the educational +curriculum. The proposer declared with some heat that "no coloured +gentleman would spifflicate his missus wid a bolster on de word of a mean +white thief like dat _Iago_." The mere suggestion was dam foolishness and +an insult to the most prominent section of the freeborn citizens of the +U.S.A. "If dey gwine whitewash de Scotchman, why not de man ob colour too?" + +At a representative meeting of Welshmen Mr. Jones ap Jones moved that, as a +protest against SHAKSPEARE'S treatment of _Fluellen_ and the Cymric +vegetable symbol, _Henry V._ "be no longer taught in Welsh schools or read +at Jesus College, Oxford, whateffer." + +At a recent meeting of the S.P.R. it was proposed by Sir A. CONAN DOYLE, of +Oliver Lodge, Ether, Surrey, "that the Board of Education be asked, in the +interests of scientific truth, to suspend the teaching of _Hamlet_ until +the scenes in which the _Ghost_ appears shall have been emended in the +light of modern research by a committee of psychical experts appointed for +the purpose. The proposer quoted the line spoken by _Hamlet_ to the +apparition:-- + + "Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd," + +and said he would like to substitute for it, "Be thou a subjective +hallucination arising from an uprush of inhibited emotional disturbance +from the subliminal consciousness, or the objectivisation of a telepathic +communication from the extra-corporeal sphere of being, or, finally, a +manifestation to sensory perception of some supra-normal undulatory +movement of the ether." + +He had always deprecated, he said, the meddling of untrained amateurs with +the details of psychic phenomena, and felt that the rule should be made +retrospective. An amendment was carried to add _Julius Caesar_ and _Richard +III._ to the motion for similar reasons. + +The Labour Party have decided to ask Mr. FISHER to ban _Coriolanus_ on the +ground that many of the speeches of the chief character betray an +anti-democratic bias, out of keeping with the ideals that should be set +before the rising generation. Phrases like "The mutable rank-scented many," +applied to the proletariat, could only foster the bourgeois prejudices of +jaundiced reactionaries and teach the young scions of the capitalist +classes to look down upon the manual worker. + + * * * * * + + "For Sale Black Ebony Gentleman's Shaving Outfit."--_Local Paper._ + +We gather that our coloured brother is about to grow a beard. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_buying music_). "OH, AND HAVE YOU GOT 'A LOVER IN +DAMASCUS'?" + +_New Girl._ "WELL, MA'AM, MY FIANCE WAS IN MESPOT, BUT HE'S BACK IN BRIXTON +NOW."] + + * * * * * + +MODERN MOON-RAKERS. + + PORTA, the once notorious Michigander, + Who launched the now exploded solar slander, + Whereat ten thousand negroes stood aghast, + In one short month into oblivion passed, + But PICKERING'S momentous lunar screed + Proves the persistence of this wondrous breed. + Yet this in PICKERING'S favour let us state: + He has no scare or scandal to relate-- + Nothing in any way that may impugn + The credit or the morals of the moon; + And on the other hand it does attract us + To learn that she is growing sage and cactus. + Hardly romantic vegetables, these, + And not so edible as good green cheese + Which nursery rhymers (banned by MONTESSORI) + Associated with the lunar story. + Still PICKERING'S vegetable views are tame + Contrasted with Professor GODDARD'S aim; + For he, as from the daily Press we learn, + An obvious plagiarist of good JULES VERNE, + Would have us build a Bertha fat enough + To send a charge of high explosive stuff + Across the intervening seas of space + Bang into Luna's unoffending face. + Meanwhile our own alert star-gazing chief, + DYSON (Sir FRANK), is rather moved to grief + Than anger by the astronomic pranks + Played by unbalanced professorial cranks, + Who study science in the wild-cat vein + And "ruin along the illimitable inane." + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NAVAL UNIFORM. + + "FOR SALE, NAVAL CADET'S (R.N.) MESS-DRESS; 39 inches side seam; pair + cricket boots, purple velour hat, grey chiffon velvet dress."--_Daily + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "SUEDE TURNIP, best varieties."--_Advt. in Tasmanian Paper._ + +No kid about this offer. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, respectable Man for Polishing Porter."--_Daily + Paper._ + +The manners of some of our porters notoriously leave much to be desired. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +A SLIGHT ACCIDENT SECURES HIM A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION TO THE MASTER.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +_From Friend to Friend_ (MURRAY) is the name given, from the first of them, +to a collection of eight fugitive papers, prepared for republication by the +late Lady RITCHIE during the last months of her life, and now edited by her +sister-in-law, Miss EMILY RITCHIE. Fugitive though they may have been in +original intent, these pages are so filled with their writer's delicate and +very personal charm that her lovers will be delighted to have their flight +thus pleasantly arrested. Lady RITCHIE was above all else the perfect +appreciator. _Horas non numerat nisi serenas_; the gaze that she turns +smilingly upon old happy far-off days looks through spectacles rose-tinted +both by the magic of retrospect and her own genius for admiration. London, +Freshwater, Paris, Rome--these are the settings of her memories; and we see +them all by a light that (perhaps) never was on land or sea, in whose +radiance beauty and wit and genius move wonderfully to a perpetual music. +In truth, however, these eminent Victorians of Lady RITCHIE'S circle must +have been a rare company; I have no space for even a catalogue of +them--Mrs. CAMERON, with her vague magnificence, pouring letters and an +embarrassment of gifts upon her dear TENNYSONS; the KEMBLE sisters, +LOCKHART, THACKERAY himself, a score of great and (to the kindly +chronicler) gracious personalities live again in her pages. I should add +that the volume is rounded off by a short story, a late addition to the +_Miss Williamson_ series, which might be called a pot-boiler, were it not +somehow incongruous to associate so gentle a flame with any such +activities. Slight as it is, _From Friend to Friend_ forms an apt and +graceful finish to the work of one whose life was given to the claims of +friendship. + + * * * * * + +_Fanny goes to War_ (MURRAY) should be read by those who also went and +those who didn't. It is a chronicle of the adventures of the First Aid +Nursing Yeomanry in Belgium and France--vivid; inviting wonder, laughter +and sometimes tears; fresh and delicious. The account of the first visit to +the trenches awakens memories. Viewed from this distance it seems all to +have been so picturesque, such fun! The humour of Thomas, the intelligence +and tact of the good French _poilu_, the awful moments and the wild jests +in between--these are all shown. The splendid humour with which "PAT +BEAUCHAMP," the author, bravely endured her own casualty with its +distressing effects is typical in itself of that spirit in the Anglo-Saxon +race which made the Teuton race wish it hadn't. In my view, the _obiter +dictum_ of an anonymous Colonel sums up the values of this ladies' +contingent better than does the preface of the distinguished Major-General: +"Neither fish, flesh nor fowl," said the Colonel on having the constitution +of this anomalous unit explained to him, "but thundering good red herring!" +Time was, I believe and hope, when I myself, passing through the Base Port +on leave and being full of life and daring, have sighted a lady-chauffeur +of a motor-ambulance and have thrown a friendly glance, even a froward +smile, at her. Waiving all questions of propriety, I hope that this was so, +and that the lady-chauffeur was no less than "PAT BEAUCHAMP" herself, in +the later stages of her career overseas. Though her only response may have +been to splash mud over me, I should feel happy, now, thus to have paid my +respects to this gallant and high-spirited lady. I count myself among the +company, battalion, division, corps and army of her admirers. + + * * * * * + +It certainly does not seem eight years, yet it must be fully that, since +JOSEPH CONRAD in _The English Review_ lifted a veil that lay between his +admirers and an interesting personality with the pleasantly discursive +papers which form the basis of the re-issued _A Personal Record_ (DENT). +Between then and now _Chance_, that masterly but difficult book, has by a +curious freak of public taste given Mr. CONRAD, hitherto the well-loved +favourite of the relatively few, a much wider constituency. To these late +comers, rather than to the older (and of course superior) Conradists, who +know it already, let me recommend this rambling, which is by no means to +say aimless, account of the wanderings of the MS. of _Almayer's Folly_, +some queer entertaining scraps of the author's family history, a +description of the encounters with the original _Almayer_, and those +vignettes of Marseilles which obviously were used as the background of _The +Arrow of Gold_. This record is one of those quiet friendly books that +flatter the devotee by a sense of peculiar intimacy with his hero. It is +also engagingly characteristic. Mr. CONRAD here unravels the fine threads +of his personal history and philosophy with the same artful reserve and +exquisite elaboration with which he evolves the creatures of his +resourceful imagination. + + * * * * * + +_The Life of Liza Lehmann_ (UNWIN), written by herself, and finished, as +her husband tells in a pathetic foot-note, "scarcely two weeks before her +death," is a book holding many special bonds of association with _Punch_, +not least the fact that her father-in-law, Deputy J.T. BEDFORD, was the +author of that _Robert, the City Waiter_, who was among the most famous and +popular of Mr. Punch's early creations. The volume that the writer has put +together is the record of a busy, successful and, on the whole, happy life, +passed in the company of interesting people, about many of whom Madame +LEHMANN has remembered some entertaining story. Chiefly, as is natural, the +persons recorded are the musical folk of the last half-century, from JENNY +LIND to Sir THOMAS BEECHAM; though in the allied Arts I was taken by a +pleasing and new anecdote of ROBERT BROWNING reciting _How they Brought the +Good News_ into an Edison phonograph, and overcome by loss of memory +halfway through the ordeal. One wonders if this rather surprising record +exists to-day. I am not going to assert that the non-technical reader may +not find the pages devoted to reprinted criticism rather over-numerous; old +newspaper files, like old theatrical photographs, too quickly fade. But the +author's humour endured; and I like to think that she could appreciate a +joke made at her own expense; witness her quotation from the gushing friend +who, at the moment of the first triumph of _The Persian Garden_, +overwhelmed the composer with the tribute, "_Do_ let me thank you! The +local colour is _too_ wonderful. I simply felt _as if I was at Liberty's_!" + + * * * * * + +To the jaded reader I recommend _The Road to En-Dor_ (LANE) as a book which +should undoubtedly stir him up. It is the most extraordinary war-tale which +has come my way. With such material as he had to his hand Lieutenant E.H. +JONES would have been a sad muddler if he had not made his story +intriguing; but, anyhow, he happens to be a sound craftsman with a +considerable sense of style and construction. And he has a convincing way +of handling his facts that compels belief in the most incredible of +stories. Lieutenant JONES was a prisoner in the hands of the Turks at +Zozgad, and to amuse himself and his fellow-prisoners he raised a "spook" +which in time gained such a reputation that it had the Turkish officials +almost hopelessly at its mercy. From being merely a joke his spook soon +began to suggest, to him a way of escaping from the camp, and then, in +conjunction with Lieutenant C.W. HILL, he worked it for all it was worth. +His record of their adventures and of the sufferings, physical and mental, +which they had to face is really astounding; but I fear it will be received +coldly by the psychist. Spiritualism, indeed, is treated with scant +respect, and whatever our own view of this vexed subject may be most of us +will admit that Lieutenant JONES has considerable reason for his strong +opinion. + + * * * * * + +In _The Green Shoes of April_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) Miss RACHEL SWETE +MACNAMARA has got together quite a lot of people and situations that other +novelists have used before. There is the fine young Irishman soldiering in +India, the soulless actress who marries and leaves him, and the splendid +Irish girl, his true mate, whom he weds in happy ignorance of his first +partner's continued existence. But the hero has a maiden aunt, with a story +of her own, and the heroine a terrific grandmother who are Miss MACNAMARA'S +creations, and as she makes wife number one lie like a trooper in order to +preserve the happiness of wife number two a _soupcon_ of freshness is +imparted to the _rechauffe_. Of course the well-meaning first wife is not +allowed to succeed in her efforts, and _Beau_ and _Perry_ (you would never +guess from that which was which, but in this case it doesn't matter) have a +very bad time indeed until, reassured by a friendly barrister, they settle +down again into wedded happiness. These are the confiding souls whom +novelists and lawyers love, and I can see Miss MACNAMARA, by-and-by, +getting quite a nice story out of someone's attempt to oust their eldest +son from his inheritance. I hope she will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAIRY TALES REVISED. + +_Cassim Baba._ "AH! NOW I HAVE IT--'OPEN SESAME!' LUCKY THING I HAD THAT +COURSE OF LESSONS IN MEMORY TRAINING."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, January 21st, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16271.txt or 16271.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/7/16271/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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