diff options
Diffstat (limited to '16271.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 16271.txt | 2046 |
1 files changed, 2046 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/16271.txt b/16271.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d407bc --- /dev/null +++ b/16271.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2046 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 21st, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 21st, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 12, 2005 [EBook #16271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +January 21st, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that the Frenchman who lost his temper so completely during a +duel with pistols that he threatened to shoot his opponent will be +suspended from taking part in similar encounters for the next six months. + +* * * + +A man who had half a ton of coal delivered to him without warning has been +removed to an asylum, where he is being treated for coal-shock. + +* * * + +Wrexham Education Committee has decided not to have Welsh taught in the +elementary schools. Doubts have recently arisen, it appears, as to whether +it will ever be the chosen medium of communication in the League of +Nations. + +* * * + +"There is a movement on foot," says _The Daily Mail_, "to brighten the +dress of boys." Smith Tertius writes to say that, according to the best +opinion in his set, the waist should be worn fuller and less attention paid +to the "sit" of the shirt. + +* * * + +A man recently arrested in Dublin was found to have in his possession a +loaded revolver, three sticks of gelignite, four lengths of fuse, a number +of detonators and a jemmy. It is thought that he may have been dabbling in +politics. + +* * * + +"Demobilised men are doing such execution at the London World's Fair +Shooting Galleries," says a news item, "that the supply of bottles is +running short." Nothing, however, can be done about it till the PRIME +MINISTER returns from Paris. + +* * * + +"There is a proper time for the last meal of the day," says a medical +writer. We have always been of the opinion that supper should not be taken +between meals. + +* * * + +After addressing a meeting for two hours, says a contemporary, TROTSKY +fainted. A more humane man would have fainted first. + +* * * + +We feel very jealous of the suburban gentleman who wrote last week asking +what an O.B.E. was, and whether, if it was a bird, it should be fed on +hemp-seed or ants' eggs. + +* * * + +With reference to the wooden house which fell down last week, the builder +is of the opinion that a sparrow must have accidentally stepped on it. + +* * * + +Lord BIRKENHEAD describes the Coalition as an "invertebrate and undefined +body." Meaning that they have rather more wishbone than backbone. + +* * * + +An Indian native was recently sentenced to write a poem. In other countries +of course you commit a poem first and are sentenced afterwards. + +* * * + +Mr. F.H. ROSE, M.P., writing in _The Sunday Pictorial_, refers to the +Ministry of Munitions as "a veritable monument of superfluous futility." +For ourselves we don't mind futility so long as it isn't superfluous. + +* * * + +Will the lady who, during the Winter Sales' scramble, inadvertently went +off with two husbands please return the other one to his rightful owner? + +* * * + +Mr. J.H. SYMONS, the Weymouth draper novelist, has told a _Star_ reporter +that he only writes novels for a hobby. This sets him apart from the many +who do it with malicious intent. + +* * * + +A referee has lodged a complaint against the Football Club on whose ground +he was assaulted by several spectators who disagreed with his decisions. +Although sympathising with him we fear his attempt to rob our national game +of its most sporting element will not meet with general approval. + +* * * + +It is generally expected that, owing to the number of deaths from whisky +poisoning which have occurred of late, America may decide to go dry again. + +* * * + +It is reported on good authority that Mr. C.B. COCHRAN will visit America +daily until the signature of DEMPSEY'S manager is obtained. + +* * * + +LENIN, says a contemporary, has completed his plans for the overthrow of +civilisation. It seems that all our efforts to conceal from him its +presence in our midst are doomed to failure. + +* * * + +"A search for combined beauty and brains," says _The Daily Mail_, "has been +instituted by _The Weekly Dispatch_." We gather, however, that a good +circulation will also be taken into consideration. + +* * * + +According to the Technical Secretary of the Civil Aviation Committee a +vehicle has been designed which is equally at home in the air, on land, on +the water and under it. It is said to be distinguishable from Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL only by the latter's eloquence. + +* * * + +We understand that certain members of the betting classes have demanded +that the starting price for coal should be published each day in the early +evening papers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_Miles from anywhere._ + +_Tammas._ "COULD YE OBLIGE ME WI' A MATCH, SIR?" + +_Stranger._ "I'M AFRAID I'VE ONLY GOT ONE." + +_Tammas._ "AY--SHE'LL DO."] + + * * * * * + +A TRIUMPH OF REALISM. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "'FALLING WATERS.' 'Not a dry page in it.'" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW POLYGAMY. + + "The bride... carried a handsome bouquet of harem lilies."--_Local + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE BENEFITS OF PEACE + +(_as they appear to be viewed by certain unofficial guardians of public +morality_). + + When Peace superseded the strife and the stress + Which the public regard as a gift for the Press, + It was feared in the quiet that followed the storm, + With nothing to do but retrench and reform, + That the Town would be painted a colourless tint + And the printers have nothing exciting to print. + + That fear was unfounded, I'm happy to say, + And red is the dominant tone of to-day; + So far from incurring a shortage of news + While the place is made fit for our heroes to use, + We cannot remember a rosier time; + We have rarely enjoyed such an orgy of crime. + + There are scandals as nice for the reader to nose + As any old garbage of carrion crows; + Our mystery-mongers are full of resource; + There's a bigamy boom and a vogue of divorce; + To the licence of flappers we freely allude, + And we do what we can with the cult of the nude. + + No, the War isn't missed; there's a murrain of strikes + Where a paper can take any side that it likes; + We are done with denouncing the filth of the Bosch, + But we still have our own dirty linen to wash; + Though we trade with the brute as a man and a brother, + Our Warriors still can abuse one another. + + And if spicier features incline to be slack + There is always the Chief of the State to attack; + We have standing instructions to cake him with mud + And a couple of columns reserved for his blood. + Oh, yes, there is Peace, but our property thrives-- + We are having, I tell you, the time of our lives. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WANTED." + +HOLLAND. "SO YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE ME TO SURRENDER THE EX-KAISER?" + +ENTENTE POLICEMAN. "WELL, MA'AM, I DIDN'T GO SO FAR AS THAT. I ONLY _ASKED_ +YOU FOR HIM."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BALLYBUN LOTTERY. + + [_A propos_ of Premium Bonds it has been recalled that in his evidence, + given some years ago before a Select Committee, the then Under- + Secretary for Ireland stated that in that distressful country + "lotteries are very much used for religious purposes by people of all + denominations," and that "it would be flying in the face of public + opinion, especially of the great religious bodies, to interfere with + them."] + +Murphy has given up charity for ever. He was perhaps fuller of this virtue +than any other body in Ballybun, and his house was packed with things he +had won at raffles. When a brick tore a hole in the Orange drum our +Presbyterian pastor at once got up a bazaar for repairs to the chapel, and +Murphy won the finest silver tea-service this side of the Aran Islands. +Murphy knew no distinctions of race, creed or sex in the holy cause of +charity. When our Methodist minister, who is universally popular, as his +knowledge of a horse would be a credit to any denomination, got up an +Auction Bridge Drive in aid of the Anti-Gambling League, Murphy came home +with three pink antimacassars, a discourse by JEREMY TAYLOR and two months' +pay out of the pocket of McDougal, the organist, who seems to play cards by +ear. But Nemesis was lying in ambush for Murphy. + +Three old ladies in Trim decided to get up a Tombola for the poor this +winter, and of course they sent Murphy a sheaf of tickets. As lotteries are +illegal they, being pious, hated them; anyway they decided to call it a +Tombola. They got the whole of Ireland to send them prizes, articles of +vertu and bric-a-brac, and any other old things that are of no use to +anybody, The carriage on the stuff and the printer's bill nearly ruined the +charitable ladies, but, as they said, the Tombola would pay all the +expenses, and if they could knock any more out of it the poor should have +it. + +If you sold a dozen tickets you could keep the thirteenth for yourself, and +as Murphy, on account of his charity, was so popular he must have sold +hundreds. People seemed to have an idea that the raffle was for a gondola, +and they thought it would look beautiful on the pond in front of the Town +Hall. Unfortunately our local poetess confirmed this error by writing a +poem about it called "Italy in Ireland," which was produced in _The +Ballybun Binnacle_, with a misprint about the gondolier's "untanned sole," +which caused a fracas in the editorial office. + +Murphy explained to all concerned that perhaps his Italian was rusty, and +anyway his time was so taken up reading lottery-tickets and other +charitable literature that he never knew what it was all for. It was a +Tombola, however, this time, and not a gondola, they were subscribing for. +It was a kind of Italian lottery which the police didn't mind because the +prizes were not in money or anything of value, but just Old Masters and +brick-bracks. Murphy has such a way with him that the editor and the +poetess each took a dozen tickets. + +When the result of the draw was published Murphy won six prizes, but no one +grudged him them as he had taken so much trouble. The Grand Prize, a +"statue carved by an Italian artist, the finest bit of sculpture ever seen +in Ireland," was won by our popular grocer, Mr. McAroon. We were all +delighted. People trooped in crowds to McAroon's back-door after closing- +time to toll him so. The police took their names, but the magistrates, who +have a great respect for the fine arts, said that this was a day in the +artistic development of the Cinderella of the West which automatically and +_prima facie_ regularised an extension of closing-hours. + +McAroon said that his religion did not run much to statues, but that, to +show his tolerance to all denominations, especially to those on his books, +he would have it unveiled by his Minister. He would invite the Bishop and +all men of goodwill to be present at the ceremony. He would place it in the +corner of his garden overlooking the esplanade, where it would cheer the +simple mariners coming home after their arduous fishing toils, and perhaps +remind one or two of them (but he would mention no names) of a dozen or so +of porter that had been left unpaid for after a recent wedding. + +The Ballybun express carries no goods whatever, except with the connivance +of the guard and driver, who are both very decent Ballybun boys, and will +bring anything down from Dublin for anyone. They promised to carry the +statue themselves from the railway station up to McAroon's house. If the +express was less than three hours late, which it was sure to be if it was +running smoothly, they could just beam-end the statue on its pedestal and +the presiding elder could unveil it with a hammer. + +The train was not too late, just punctually late, and the guard had time to +hurry the statue along through the biggest crowd we have had for years in +Ballybun. + +The Minister said that he would not open the case with prayer, because it +might give offence to friends of other Christian denominations; he would +just knock the front off and let this matchless piece of statuary from the +blue skies of Italy dazzle them with its beauty. It needed no words from +him, but he would just like to remind any of his flock present that the +collection next Sunday was for the heathen both at home and abroad. + +The statue then flashed out on us and left us breathless. + +It was the most scandalous thing ever seen in Ballybun; it was Venus rising +from the sea without a stitch. There she stood with one hand raised toward +the sky and the other pointing at the backs of all the pious people in +Ballybun as they hurried indignantly home. Some of them blamed McAroon, +while others said that Murphy knew all the time what a Tombola really was +and that he ought to be ashamed of himself. + +The Bishop ordered his people not to deal at McAroon's until Murphy had +removed the scandalous object. So many bitter things were said that +McAroon, who is obstinate when roused, vowed that as long as the sun shone +in heaven the lady should add lustre to his back-yard. The Minister however +tried to move him to a more prayerful spirit. + +McAroon said it wouldn't be right to smash up for firewood a marble statue +that had cost five hundred pounds if a penny. The clergyman said that if +everybody stopped away from his store he would lose more than that in a +year, and that in any case, if McAroon suffered, he would suffer in the +holy cause of charity. + +McAroon's piety was touched, and he said that in the interests of peace and +holy charity he would agree on a compromise. He had forsooth to keep his +vow and let the lady stop, but she had two outstretched arms and there was +always abundance of family washing on hand in the daytime at all events. +The clergy of all denominations agreed that his decision was in keeping +with the best traditions of a Family Grocer. + +Murphy and McAroon made it up publicly. Murphy asked how anyone in Ballybun +could possibly know the Italian bathing regulations. Italy was a godless +country; but "anyway," said he, "hear you me. I have suffered so much in +mind from this that I have done with charity for ever." + +Christian peace and friendship reign once more in Ballybun; but any visitor +who desires to see the beauties of Spagnoletti's famous masterpiece (what +McAroon calls his "Anna Dryomeny") without the washing to serve as a veil +must come by night and bring his own matches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MINISTERIAL ATTITUDE. + +_Wife_ (_to amateur politician_). "NAH THEN--WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IN +THE 'OUSE O' COMMONS?"] + + * * * * * + +SO LONG. + + All coiled down, and it's time for us to go, + Every sail's furled in a smart harbour stow, + Another ship for us an' for her another crew; + An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you! + + Fun an' friends I wish you till the pay's all gone, + Pleasure while you spend it an' content when it's done, + An' a chest that's not empty when you go back to sea, + An' a better ship than she's been an' a truer pal than me. + + A good berth I wish you in a ship that's well-found, + With a decent crowd forrard an' her gear all sound, + Spars a man can trust to when it comes on to blow, + An' no bo'sun bawlin' when it's your watch below. + + A good Trade I wish you an' a fair landfall, + Neither fog nor iceberg, nor long calm nor squall, + A pleasant port to come to when the work's all through... + An' so long, sailorman. Good luck to you! + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW POOR. + +"GOOD MORNING, MADAM. I DEAL IN CAST-OFF CLOTHING." + +"OH, HOW LUCKY! DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT WOULD SUIT MY +HUSBAND?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SMUGGLER. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +"If I am to be a bold bad smuggler, old scream," said Percival, packing +pyjamas and parcels into his bag, "I demand the proper costume and +accessories of the craft. No self-respecting smuggler can be expected to +run a cargo in a British warm and field-boots." + +"Of course, my swaggering buccaneer, if you want to do it in the grand +manner," answered Frederick, "I'll arrange for the saucy little cutter, the +sequestered cove an' the hard-riding exciseman with a cocked hat and +cutlass. But the simpler if less picturesque way is to dump your bag on the +counter at the Customs House and be taken with a fit of sneezing when the +Grand Inquisitor asks you if you have anything to declare." + +"Whereupon he'll hand me a quinine tablet and, when I show signs of +convalescence, repeat the question in a loud voice. And if I don't know the +correct answer I'll find myself meditating in Portland or Pentonville. +That's what I'm exposing myself to by obliging corrupt an' unscrupulous +friends," continued Percival bitterly. + +"Hang it!" expostulated Frederick, "the potty little bottle of scent I'm +asking you to deliver to my cousin Julia won't get you more than a +seven-days' stretch. And you've got _fourteen_ days' leave." + +"Well, I won't grumble about that, although I'd arranged my programme +differently. But what about the box of Flor Fantomas I'm taking for the +Major, and the bottle of whisky with which the skipper has entrusted me for +the purpose of propitiating his projected father-in-law, to say nothing of +the piece of Brussels lace which Binnie says is for his aunt. Their +combined weight will just about earn me a lifer. I can see me wiring the +War Office for an extension of leave on urgent business grounds--nature of +business, to enable applicant to complete term of penal servitude." + +"Don't, Percival, old crumpet," murmured Frederick, visibly affected; "the +thought of you languishing in a felon's cell, without cigarettes, gives me +a pain in my heart. Let me see what I can do for you." + +In a few minutes he was back, beaming. "I've fixed it all right, _mon +lapin_," he said; "if the worst comes to the worst they'll bail you out +with the Mess funds. But they won't accept further responsibility. The +Major says, if a fellow who's spent his whole career dodging duties can't +dodge the duty on a box of cigars he doesn't deserve sympathy." + +So Percival proceeded on leave with a heavy bag and a heavier conscience. +On the boat he was greeted hilariously by Gillow the gunner and Sparkes the +sapper, who invited him below to drink success to the voyage. In order to +give the voyage no chance of failure they continued to drink success to it +until the vessel backed into Folkestone Harbour, when they felt their +precautions might be relaxed. + +"Thanks to our efforts we've arrived safely," said Gillow as they strolled +up on deck; "but the sight of jolly old England doesn't seem to be moving +you to mirth and song, Percival. Why this outward-bound expression when +we're on the homeward tack, my hearty?" + +"It's the gnawing molar of conscience," said Percival ruefully; "I've got a +consignment of pink-ribboned parcels in my bag which I know to contain +contraband and which I also suspect--Frederick's and Binnie's anyway--to +contain amorous missives not meant for vulgar eyes. If I deliver the +parcels with the seals broken I shall get the glacial glare from the +damsels concerned, and when I get back scorpions and poisoned bill-hooks +will be too good for poor Percival." + +"Phew!" whistled Sparkes. "They go through your baggage with a fine +toothcomb nowadays. Couldn't you drop over the side with your bag and drift +ashore on a deserted beach, disguised as a floating mine?" + +"I've cut impersonations of hardware out of my _repertoire_ since the day I +failed to get past an R.T.O. disguised as a brass-hat," said Percival +sadly. "I suppose I must fall back on direct action. I've a feeling that +England expects every man this day to pay his duty." + +On the quay there was the usual mad charge of porters. Percival indicated +his bag to one of them with a distracted air, and followed him to the +Customs House guiltily. The porter dumped the bag before an official, who +had a piece of chalk hopefully poised between his fingers. + +"'Nything t' 'clare?" he asked, preparing to affix the sign which spelt +freedom. + +Percival blew his nose violently, hoping the chalk would descend to save +him the necessity of answering, but it remained poised in mid-air. + +"Anything to declare?" repeated the official, with emphasis. + +"Er," said Percival weakly--"nothing that you need worry about--only a few +presents." + +"I'll have to trouble you for your keys, then," said the incorruptible. + +Percival sighed dismally and produced them. Suddenly he noticed Gillow +declaring his baggage, and became so interested that he failed to perceive +that the official was in difficulties with the lock of his bag. + +"This the right key, Sir?" demanded the latter at length. + +"Oh, yes," said Percival absently. "But perhaps the bag isn't locked." + +The bag wasn't. It opened easily, and the official plunged into a welter of +articles of personal use; but no parcels or dutiable goods came to light. + +"P'raps you think it's a joke, wasting my time like this," snorted the +official indignantly. "All I can say is, it's an infernal bad one." + +"Awf'lly sorry," said Percival sweetly, as his eye followed Gillow, who had +emerged unchallenged. "I must have forgotten to bring the parcels I spoke +about." + +Smiling cheerfully, he directed the porter to place his bag by the side of +Gillow's in a Pullman, and took his seat with an expression of complete +content. + +"How fares the master criminal?" asked Sparkes. + +"A sympathetic friend took my troubles on his shoulders," said Percival, +"and got the parcels through with an effrontery which amazed me. I always +took him for an upright youth, too." + +"Who was it?" asked Gillow. + +"You! Didn't you notice you took my bag by mistake? But don't let it weigh +unduly on your conscience. Mine's clear anyway, and I feel that my troubles +are over." + +But it was not till he got home and opened his own bag that he discovered a +quantity of broken glass, a pungent odour of whisky and Cologne water, a +discoloured parcel of lace and a box of sodden cigars. + +"I was never meant for a smuggler," he groaned. + + * * * * * + +THE BOOK OF ADVENTURE. + + Oh the glory of the trappers! + Oh to be as in this book, + Chasing things in furry wrappers, + Poking from their crevice-nook + Loudly though they squeak and grumble, + Squirrel fitch and Arctic cat + (_Editor:_ "I do not tumble; + Will you please explain this jumble?" + _Author:_ "I shall come to that"). + + Oh! (as I was just remarking + When you interrupted me) + Where the marabouts are barking + It is there that I would be; + Where on promontories stony + All the loud Atlantic raves + And the, if not very tony, + Still quite practical seal coney + Plunges in the wind-whipt waves. + + Where the graceful skunk opossum + And the stylish leopard mink + Scamper as you come across 'em, + Climb upon the canon's brink, + Gambol with the pony musquash, + Claimed not for a collar yet-- + Far away from London's bus-squash + And advertisements of tusk-wash + Are my yearning visions set. + + If such dreams and such romances, + Editor and reader mine, + Have not filled your heart with fancies-- + Silence and the lonely pine, + Distant snows that cool the fever + Of a weary world-worn soul, + There where life is no deceiver + And the wallaby-dyed-beaver + Makes a very natural mole-- + + If you have not heard the calling + Of the lone, lone trail and far, + Where the animals enthralling + I have lately mentioned are, + Nature splendid and full-blooded, + Just a gun and pipe and dog + (How those avalanches thudded!)-- + No? Why, then you can't have studied + Perkins' Bargain Catalogue. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +DYSPEPSIA DE LUXE.] + + * * * * * + +BILLIARDS. + +HERBERT _V._ JAMES. + +This match of a hundred up was played in the handsome saloon of the +"Leadswingers' Arms" yesterday afternoon before an unusually dense crowd, +who both came in just too late to secure the table. It is understood that +the game was arranged as the result of a heated discussion during lunch the +same day, in the course of which Herbert had the effrontery to tell me--I +mean, to tell James--that what I--that is, he--knew about billiards +wouldn't cover the pyramid-spot. James, who some hours later thought of a +perfectly priceless repartee, which he has since forgotten, replied with +dignity by challenging the other to an immediate game. Herbert accepted +and, hastily finishing their lunch, the two repaired to the nearest +billiard-room. + +"I'm not due back at the office for another twenty minutes, so we've tons +of time," observed Herbert airily as they entered. + +James looked at him, but said nothing. He had the better of the opening +manoeuvres, however, for he secured the only cue that possessed a +non-flexible tip; Herbert's was at the best of the semi-rigid type, a fact +which impelled him to declare that the place would soon resemble a popular +tea-shop. Not being pressed for an elucidation of this remark, he +volunteered one. "No tips," he explained as he tenderly chalked his. + +Herbert won the toss and elected to break with spot, which appeared to be a +rounder ball than its fellow. Taking a careful and protracted aim at the +red, he only missed the object-ball by inches, his own travelling twice +round the table before finally coming to rest in baulk. + +"Now then, Inman," he said, with a poor attempt at jauntiness, "score off +that if you can." + +James's reply was a calculated safety-miss, which only failed of its +intention in that it left his ball about an inch away from the middle +pocket. The closeness of the contest may be gauged from the fact that at +this stage the game was called (or would have been called if the marker had +not gone out to his dinner) at one all. + +"In off the white," declared Herbert, and promptly potted it. "Sorry," he +added almost before the ball was in the pocket. + +[Illustration: A MASTERLY TEN-SHOT, WHICH COLLECTED ALL THREE BALLS IN THE +BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND POCKET. + +[The continuous line shows the path of the striker's ball and the dotted +lines those of the object balls.]] + +For some time after this episode, which chilled the atmosphere a trifle, +the exchanges were uneventful. A slight tendency towards "barracking" on +the part of the crowd was quickly stifled, however, by a brilliant effort +from James, who by means of all-round play built up an attractive break of +5. + +Herbert at once responded by taking off his coat, but for several innings +contributed nothing else of note except a powerful shot which pocketed the +red ball in the fireplace. After an agreement had at last been reached +about the rule governing this particular class of stroke, both players +settled down to their work and put in some useful breaks, runs of 3, 7 and +4 by James being countered by 2, 5, 6 and 3 (twice) by Herbert. The latter +was the first to reach the 50-mark, an event which the crowd signalised by +hanging up their hats and advancing to the table. When they were informed +that the game was one of a hundred up, they seemed disposed to argue the +matter, and from this stage their attitude towards the players became +openly and impartially critical. + +The latter half of the match was marked by a somewhat peculiar incident. +With the game standing at 75 all Herbert made a stroke that left the red +hovering on the brink of a pocket. He waited anxiously, but with no result. +At this point one of the crowd emitted a prodigious yawn, and it was the +intense vibration set up from this act, so James declared, that induced the +ball to topple over into the pocket. In support of his contention that no +score should ensue he pointed to a framed copy of the Rules of Billiards on +the wall that balanced a coloured advertisement of Tommy Dodd whisky, and +recited the rule on vibration. Herbert strenuously denied that any such +phenomenon had taken place, and when James appealed to its author he was +met with such an outburst of elephantine sarcasm that he refrained from +further contesting the point. + +After this the luck of the play went against James, and when, the marker +having by now finished his meal, the score was actually called at 90-99 in +his opponent's favour, he might have been excused for giving up the game as +lost. With dogged determination, however, he faced the situation. His own +ball was somewhere near the centre, the red about eighteen inches from the +top left-hand pocket, and the white midway between the right-hand cushion +and the D. With an almost superhuman stroke (but _not_, as was subsequently +averred, with his eyes shut) he smote the red, and his ball travelled +rapidly up and down the table. On the down journey it glanced off the +white, after which, still going at a tremendous pace, it made a complete +tour of the table and concluded its meteoric career in the bottom +right-hand pocket. Meanwhile the red and the white had both departed on +voyages of their own, the terminus in each case being the self-same pocket. +(_See diagram._) After the balls had been taken out, examined and counted, +and James's person had been searched to see if he were concealing any, the +marker pronounced this to be a 10-shot, and the game was thus strikingly +ended in James's favour. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"HOP IT, LEANDER! THE HELLESPONT'S DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE TANK. THIS +END'S 'FUN AT FLOUNDER BEACH.'"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The Great Song of a Britisher is-- + 'There's No Place Like Home.' + STAY AT ----'S HOTEL, + And you'll Sing it and Realise it."--_South African Paper._ + + "The mere selling of an article is a simple matter, but keeping the + customer sold is our principal aim."--_Advt. in West Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Novice._ "WOULD YOU MIND MY PASSING, PLEASE?" + +_Second ditto._ "NOT AT ALL--NOT AT ALL--IF YOU DON'T MIND USING ME AS THE +HANDRAIL."] + + * * * * * + +MY DEBUT IN "PUNCH." + +I am, I hope, decently modest. When I said so once to Margery she remarked +that there was no need to make a virtue of necessity. But younger sisters, +of course... + +I came down to breakfast at my usual time--as the others were finishing-- +and found a letter awaiting me. I opened it under the usual fire of insults +from Margery and John. To-day I ignored them, however, and my young heart +gave a small jump. I am a modest young man. + +"What's the matter with you, little Sunbeam?" asked John (he is Cecilia's +husband, through no fault of mine). "Is the tailor more rude than usual, or +has she found out your address?" + +"The Vicar has asked him to sing at the Band of Hope," suggested Margery. + +I commenced my breakfast. + +"What is it, Alan?" asked Cecilia. + +"Oh, nothing," I said easily. "The proof of a thing of mine that _Punch_ +has accepted." + +They hadn't a word to say for a few seconds, then Margery began:-- + +"Poor old dear, it must be some awful mistake." + +I ignored Margery. + +"But, Alan darling, how beautiful! You've been trying for years and years +and now at last it has happened. I _do_ hope it isn't a mistake," said +Cecilia anxiously. She was trying to be nice, you know. I'm sure she was. I +went on with my breakfast. + +"Well, John," said Cecilia, "can't you congratulate him, or are you too +jealous?" + +John sighed deeply and pondered. + +"Terrible how _Punch_ has gone down since our young days, isn't it?" he +said heavily. + + * * * * * + +I spent a miserable time until it appeared. Somehow or other Cecilia let +the great glad news get about the village. Farley, our newsagent and +tobacconist, held me when I went in for an ounce of the usual mild. + +"So I 'ear you've 'ad a article printed by this 'ere _Punch_, Sir," he +said. "Somethink laughable it'd be, I suppose like, eh?" + +"Not half," I said, striving hard to impersonate a successful humourist. + +"Ah, well, it's all good for business," he said, as one who sees the silver +lining. "I've 'ad quite a number of orders for the paper for the next two +or three weeks." + +I crept from the shop, only to meet an atrocious woman from "The Gables," +who stopped me with a little shriek of joy. + +"Oh, Mr. Jarvis, I've been dying to meet you, do you know. I always have +thought you so funny, ever since that little sketch you got up for the +Bazaar last summer. I said to my husband when I heard of your success, +'_I'm_ not surprised. After that sketch, _I knew_.' _Do_ tell me when it's +appearing. I'm sure I shall simply scream at it." + +I escaped after a time and wondered whether it was too late to stop +publication of the horrible thing. + + * * * * * + +I came down to breakfast and found John with a copy beside him. I looked at +him. + +"Yes," he said, "the worst has happened. It is in print. We have been +waiting for you to appear." + +He turned the pages and cleared his throat. + +"I shall now read the article aloud," he said. "Each time I raise my hand +the audience will please burst into hearty laughter." + +Margery giggled. + +"Cecilia," I said, rising, "if you don't control this reptile that you have +married, if you don't force him to hold his peace, if you allow him to read +one word, I'll throw the bread-knife at him and ... and pour my coffee all +over the tablecloth." + +"John," said Cecilia, "have a little thought for others and read it quietly +to yourself." + +Cecilia meant well, of course, but Margery giggled again. + +John read it to himself in a dead silence, sighed heavily and passed it to +Margery. + +"We shall never live it down," he said, putting his head into his hands and +gazing moodily at the marmalade. + +Margery read it and giggled three or four times; but Margery giggles at +anything. + +Cecilia read it and beamed. + +"Alan, dear," she said, "it's lovely! Of _course_ they accepted it. John, +you wretch, say you liked it." (Cecilia can be a dear.) + +"Well, if I must tell the truth," said John, "it isn't quite so bad as I +expected. In fact I very much doubt whether he wrote it at all. If he +did--well, it's a marvellous fluke, that's all." + +I smiled. + +"You may smile, swelled-head," said John; "but I'll bet you five golden +guineas to a bad tanner you couldn't do it again." + +"Done," I said. + +After a few days, however, I realised that I had made a mistake. Even a bad +sixpence is worth something nowadays. + +Cecilia and Margery vied with each other in offering me the feeblest +suggestions for articles that they felt sure would reduce a rhinoceros to +hysterics. John presented me with a copy of _A Thousand and One Jokes and +Anecdotes_ "to prove he was a sportsman," he said. I started to look for a +bad sixpence. + +Then Margery said to me:-- + +"Why don't you write and explain the whole thing to the Editor and offer to +go halves if he prints it?" + +I looked at her in amazement. + +"You horrible little cheat!" I said. + + * * * * * + +However, on thinking it over carefully there seems a lot to say for the +idea and it's really quite fair. Anyhow I can't possibly let John win. So +here's the story, and with any luck it will cost John five golden guineas. +But I shan't give the Editor half. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (rather sceptical about what she regards as her +new toy)._ "PUT HIM ON THE FLOOR, MUMMY, AND SEE IF HE'LL GO."] + + * * * * * + +THE PERILS OF HUMOUR. + +From _Punch_:-- + + "'THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do well."'-- + _Rangoon Times._" + +From _The Manchester Evening Chronicle_:-- + + "'THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + The hymns to be sung will be (1) "All people that on earth do dwell."' + + _Rangoon Times_, quoted in _Punch_." + + * * * * * + + "It was reported to the Sanitary Committee yesterday that the Inspector + of Nuisances had made arrangements for the repair of the meteorological + instruments."--_Local Paper._ + +Judging by our recent weather, quite the right man to look after it. + + * * * * * + +From a money-lender's circular:-- + + "Having been, perhaps, the richest nation in the world before the war, + and wealth being only comparative, it is our empirical duty to achieve + a like position again." + +So that's why they are "trying it on." + + * * * * * + + "The news, says the Paris correspondent of _The Times_, in itself is + serious enough as showing the dangers of letting the Adriatic + settlement continue to be at the mercy of a coup de theatre or coup de + d'etat, whichever one may like to call it."--_Evening Paper._ + +We fancy the Paris correspondent of _The Times_ would prefer the former. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVEN-HANDED JUSTICE + +(_As dispensed by the LORD CHANCELLOR and a predecessor_). + +INJURED PARTIES (_simultaneously_). + +"OH! TO BE SMACKED BY THOSE WE LOVE DOTH WORK LIKE MADNESS IN THE BRAIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRENZIED BOXING FINANCE. + +_Master of the Ceremonies._ "LOOK 'ERE! 'FORE MY MAN FIGHTS HE WANTS TWO +POTTIES, THREE GLASSIES AN' A BLOOD-ALLEY; AN' I WANTS A PACKET O' FAGS FOR +MESELF."] + + * * * * * + +THE BURIAL OF DUNDEE. + +"Dundee is dead," said my wife, returning from her morning visit to the +kitchen. + +"I am very sorry to hear it," I replied, laying down the newspaper on the +breakfast-table, at which I still lingered; and indeed I was sorry. Dundee +had been our household cat from the earliest days of our married life, from +the time when he was a tiny kitten the colour of marmalade, which had +earned him his name. + +"Cook is very much upset," my wife continued. + +"Her distress does her credit," I answered. + +"She talks of leaving." + +I must confess with shame that a pang acuter than the first went through me +at the news, for Cook was one of those rare artists who understands the +value of surprise and never rides success to death. + +"Ask her to reconsider her decision," I said. + +"I have," said my wife, "and she remained immovable." + +"Perhaps when the first shock has worn off?" + +"There is just a chance." + +"Yes, I am sure you can persuade her," I concluded, preparing to leave for +my office. + +"Before you go," interrupted my wife, "what are we going to do about the +burial?" + +"How does one usually dispose of dead cats?" I asked. "I thought the +dustman--" + +"Out of the question." + +"I know it is forbidden by the by-laws of the Corporation, but a shilling +----" + +"How stupid you are! If anything were to decide Cook to go it would be +handing over Dundee's remains to the dustman. You know how particular Cook +is about funerals." + +I knew indeed. The rate of mortality among her friends and relations was +abnormally high, and on account, as I suspect, of her skill in cookery she +was in frequent demand as a mourner. By continual attendance she had +cultivated a nice sense of what was fitting on these occasions and posed as +an authority on the subject. + +"Very well, then, let's have him buried," I said. + +"Where?" + +"In our garden." + +"Who by?" + +"Palmer or Emily." + +Palmer and Emily are respectively the parlour- and house-maid. + +"Both would say it was not the work for which they were engaged. They would +leave at the same time as Cook, if I asked them." + +"Who else can we get?" I asked. + +"Yourself," my wife made answer. + +"Me? But I can't be seen by all the street burying a cat." I should explain +that our only garden is in front of the house. + +"If you wait till it is dark you needn't be afraid of anyone seeing you," +protested my wife. + +"And run the risk of being detected by some suspicious policeman. No, thank +you." + +"Then if you won't do it yourself you must find someone who will. It is our +last hope of persuading Cook to stay." + +"By heaven!" I cried, looking at my watch, I am a quarter-of-an-hour late. +I must run." + +This was my customary device to evade the embarrassing dilemmas which my +wife not infrequently thrust upon me at this hour. So for the moment I +escaped. All day in the office I was fully occupied. From time to time the +memory of Dundee lying stark in the basement obtruded itself upon my +thoughts, but I dismissed the vision as one does a problem one has not the +courage to face. + +The problem remained unsolved when I stepped out of the train on my return +from the City. To gain time for reflection I resolved to make a detour. As +I struck into an unfamiliar side street, I looked up, and there in front of +me stood an undertaker's shop. + +The inspiration! I entered. From the back premises advanced to meet me the +undertaker, with a visage tentatively wobegone, not yet knowing whether I +was widower, orphan, businesslike executor or merely the busybody family +friend. I unfolded my difficulty. Beneath the outer crust of professional +melancholy there evidently seethed within the undertaker a lava of +joviality. + +"Certainly, Sir, certainly," he said. "It is not perhaps strictly in my +line, but one of my assistants will be delighted to earn an extra shilling +or so by obliging you. What name and address?" + +I joyfully gave both and made my way home. + +Midway through dinner came a ring at the front-door bell. Palmer +interrupted her service to answer, and returned to me with a card on a +salver. + +"A gentleman to see you, Sir," she announced. + +"How strange, at this hour! Who can it be?" asked my wife. + +"The gentleman to bury Dundee," I explained in a lowered voice, as I passed +the visiting-card, deeply edged with black, across the table to her. + +Next morning my wife was able to announce that Cook had consented to stay. +The burial of Dundee by a real undertaker had gratified her sense of the +correct. I departed to the City filled with self-complacency. + +For a month I dwelt in this fool's paradise. Then one evening my wife +gently broke the news. + +"I have something serious to tell you. Cook has given notice." + +"Who is dead now?" I asked. + +"No one. She is engaged to be married." + +"Married?" + +"Yes, to the young undertaker." + +"What young undertaker?" + +"The one who buried Dundee." + +It was too true. At supper, after the inhumation, a mutual esteem had +sprung up that rapidly ripened into love. The enterprising young +journeyman, so enamoured of his calling that he consented to inter dumb +creatures in his leisure time, had evidently discerned in Cook, with her +wealth of funeral lore, a helpmeet worthy of himself; while Cook on her +side, conquered by his diligence and discretion, considered she had secured +a respectable settlement for life, with the prospect of obsequies of the +highest class for herself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cheery Member (to Club pessimist_). "HULLO, OLD CHAP! +HAVING A BAD CROSSING?"] + + * * * * * + +CLERICAL EDUCATION. + +[The Rev. KENNEDY BELL, in _The Daily Sketch_, deplores the dreariness of +parish magazines and suggests, with a view to brighten their contents, that +clergymen should serve an apprenticeship on the daily Press.] + + The Reverend Mr. KENNEDY BELL + Is wholly unable to say all's well + With the state of our parish magazines, + And is moved to indicate the means + Of making their pages bright and snappy + And bored subscribers cheerful and happy. + Now the most original of his hints + For galvanizing these dreary prints + Is this: That every parson, before + He aspires to be parish editor, + Should join the staff of a leading daily + And learn to write genially and gaily. + It may be a counsel of sheer perfection, + And yet, perhaps, on further reflection, + We may admit that something is gained + By the plan of having clergymen trained + In the very heart of the Street of Ink + To paint their parish magazines pink. + So generous laymen may haply decide + That it _may_ be worth their while to provide + Each KENNEDY BELL with stepping-stones + To rise to the height of a KENNEDY JONES. + But others, a small and dwindling crew, + Possibly fit, but certainly few, + And cursed with a most pronounced capacity + For suffering from inept vivacity, + Would gladly be reckoned as unenlightened + Could they keep one class of journal un-"brightened." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MY DEAR, YOU ARE NOT DANCING." + +"NO--MOST PROVOKING. I MISLAID MY PARTNER AT PADDINGTON, AND HE HASN'T THE +FAINTEST IDEA WHERE THE DANCE IS."] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF THE LITTER. + +It happened only a couple of weeks ago, but the horrible memory comes back +to me as if it only happened yesterday. It was my own fault, because with a +telephone loose about the place one ought not to encourage other pets. + +"Well," I said to Sibyl, "there we are, and we must make the best of them." + +Sibyl sniffed as she usually does when these periodical occurences happen +in our house. + +"Which of them are you going to keep?" she asked, "and is it really +necessary to keep any of them?" + +"Well," I said; "but----" + +"What I mean to say," said Sibyl, "better do away with them when they are +quite young. It would be far more humane." + +"I am with you up to a point," I said; "I admit they are not a very +prepossessing lot." + +"How they came to be born at all is what I cannot understand," said Sibyl, +who is always like that when trying to be serious. + +"Well," I said, "I have decided to keep one of them--No. 1." + +"But surely," said Sibyl, "that the most delicate one of the lot." + +That, I well knew, was quite true. Whether I should ever rear No. 1 was a +matter for time to prove. It was so delicate that once or twice already it +had been on the verge of collapse, but I had rallied it each time. + +"As for the others," I said, "we shall have to get rid of them." + +I need not go into painful details, but the thing was easily done. That +very evening, unfortunately, through an oversight, No. 1 perished also. + +For this I blame McWhirter. + +"The number of my bus is 21," he said in the theatre buffet that night; "by +the way what's yours?" + +"Whisky," I said absent-mindedly, "and not much soda." + +And it was only after I had drunk it that I realised my error. It was then +too late. + +And that is how New Year Resolution No. 1--the most delicate of the +litter--passed away at the early age of one week. + + * * * * * + +OUR PLUTOCRATIC SPORTSMEN AGAIN. + + "Wanted, set of gold clubs, with bag, for lady."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + +LIFE. + +A MODERN NOVEL--SPASMODIC SCHOOL. + + I. + + Her parents were hygienic, so they never let a germ intrude + Within the cells and tissues of the girl they christened Ermyntrude; + They bathed her body every hour and all internal harm allayed + By pouring Condy's Fluid on her butter and her marmalade; + And when they dressed her took good care to tuck her chest-protector in-- + Result, she grew up strong and fair as any peach or nectarine. + + II. + + She had no fear of lion or of tiger (in imprisonment) + And in an awful storm at sea she asked the mate what mizzen meant; + It was a plucky act; if I'd neglected to report it you'd + Never have known the depth and true dimensions of her fortitude. + If you remain agnostic, if you hold it still not proven, I'll + Give fifty more examples of her courage when a juvenile; + They lie in my portfolio, all printed, filed and docketed, + Including one in which a stick of dynamite she pocketed. + + III. + + She also painted: one could tell her pictures mid a billion, + So daubed were they with ochre blots and splashes of vermilion; + She claimed to be a connoisseur of _objets d'art_ and curios, + But what attracted notice was her openwork and lury hose, + Fashioned in every colour from magenta down to cinnabar, + Suggestive of a rainbow or the various liquors _in_ a bar. + + IV. + + So when she came to twenty-one, the age they call discretional, + The trooping of her followers was, in a word, processional. + + V. + + But she disdained flamboyant types and snubbed the gay and gildy brand; + Instead she loved a decadent whose pagan name was Hildebrand, + Until that sad occasion when she met him coming back o' night, + His system loaded up with bhang and opium and aconite. + + VI. + + An artist next attracted her; she turned on her cajoleries, + And soon in unison they laughed at other people's drolleries; + His speech was polychromous (as the speech of many a carman is); + He mostly talked of masses, lights, half-tones and colour-harmonies; + That was his doom, for one fine day he went to his sarcophagus, + The word "_chiaroscuro_" stuck deep down in his oesophagus. + + VII. + + I do not know; it may have been her hose that took poor Rendall in, + Who previously had flirted with her elder sister, Gwendoline. + This Rendall was a wholesale dealer, very rich and large in all + His habits, though he always said his profits were but marginal. + Well, Rendall kept on waddling round her, like a tired and tardy yak; + His movements showed beyond a doubt that his disease was cardiac; + He took her on the river; after thinking for a time, aloud + He said, "I will propose to you; that is, of course, if I'm allowed." + + VIII. + + And she replied, "If I were going to propose, I'm blest if I + Would personate an elder who is just about to testify. + Now first of all I must remark that Love has come to grip you late + In life, but, passing over that, I've certain things to stipulate: + You must exhibit interest, as even Goth or Vandal would, + In curios and bric-a-brac, in ivories and sandalwood; + And you must cope with cameo, veneer, relief and lacquer (Ah! + And, parenthetically, pay my debts at bridge and baccarat). + I dote on Futurism, and so a mate would give me little ease + Whose views were strictly orthodox on MYRON and PRAXITELES. + You do not understand," she sneered, "so gross is your fatuity; + Well then, I answer 'No,' without a trace of ambiguity." + + IX. + + And Rendall turned back sad at heart; but in a stride his honey-bee + Was in his arms exclaiming, "Then would wasted all your money be. + Come, I will take you with your faults and try to make the best of you; + Your purse is good; perhaps in time I may improve the rest of you." + + [_Publishers' Note_. + + Readers who are not sated yet and still for more are hungering + Will find Vol. II. describe how E. gave cause for scandal-mongering. + Vol. III. narrates how R. became enamoured of a fairy at + A ball, was robbed of all his wealth and joined the proletariat. + How E. washed clothes to earn her bread, while R. reclined in beery ease + Upon his bed, will be exposed in Vol. IV. of this series. + And further volumes show exactly what was worst and best in E., + And how at last, aged eighty-four, she found her life's true destiny.] + + * * * * * + +A SIDE-SLIP. + + "Just before the war we were in danger of having the ugly and even + abominable word 'aviator' fostered upon us. Just as that word seemed + victorious, _The Times_ suddenly announced that it had decided once and + for all to use 'airman' instead, and there can be no doubt that the + example there set, which was copied by journalists on other papers, + secured the predominance of a good new English word over a deformed + importation."--_Times Literary Supplement_. + + "The volume contains some 500 portraits of New England aviators."-- + _Same paper, same date, same page_. + + * * * * * + + "QUARTER MILE CHAMPIONSHIP.--Record, Sgt. Smith (North Staffords), 5 + 2-5secs. + + Wilkinson........ 1 + Goddard.......... 2 + Worsley.......... 3 + +An excellent win, Wilkinson putting in a wonderful spurt in the last 30 +years."--_Indian Paper_. + +From which we infer that he did not succeed in lowering Sergeant Smith's +remarkable record. + + * * * * * + +THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF. + +[Illustration: "HORACE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BOILER. SHALL I +GET THE PLUMBER?"] + +[Illustration: "PLUMBER? OF COURSE NOT--] + +[Illustration: I'LL PUT IT RIGHT.] + +[Illustration: JUST GET ME A SPANNER--] + +[Illustration: AND A HAMMER--] + +[Illustration: AND A LADDER--] + +[Illustration: AND SOME STRING--] + +[Illustration: AND A WOODEN PLUG OR TWO--] + +[Illustration: AND AS MANY TOWELS AS YOU CAN FIND--] + +[Illustration: AND ALL THE BLANKETS IN THE HOUSE--] + +[Illustration: AND--] + +[Illustration: THE DOCTOR."] + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE THE TRADUCER. + +The members of the League of Scottish Veterans of the World War met +recently in New York, and after "due deliberation" (_Query_, Can Scotchmen +deliberate "duly" in New York now?) passed a resolution demanding that +SHAKSPEARE'S tragedy, _Macbeth_, be removed from the curriculum of English +literature studies in American schools. + +Apparently this was an example of "dry" Scotch humour. A neighbouring city +had previously banned _The Merchant of Venice_ from its schools on the +ground that the character of _Shylock_ was a libel on the Jewish race. If +Jewish children no longer had to pay for school editions of _The Merchant +of Venice_ should Scottish infants still have to squander their bawbees on +a play that insulted their forbears? Perish the thought! "We consider," +they declared, "that if a Jewish gabardine is to be cleaned by American +Boards of Education the stain should likewise be removed from the Scottish +kilt." And if there are no reliable cleaners in the U.S.A. it should be +sent to Perth. + +The example thus nobly set is being widely followed. The members of the +Southern Jazz-band Union met yesterday way down in Tennessee, and passed a +resolution demanding the elimination of _Othello_ from the educational +curriculum. The proposer declared with some heat that "no coloured +gentleman would spifflicate his missus wid a bolster on de word of a mean +white thief like dat _Iago_." The mere suggestion was dam foolishness and +an insult to the most prominent section of the freeborn citizens of the +U.S.A. "If dey gwine whitewash de Scotchman, why not de man ob colour too?" + +At a representative meeting of Welshmen Mr. Jones ap Jones moved that, as a +protest against SHAKSPEARE'S treatment of _Fluellen_ and the Cymric +vegetable symbol, _Henry V._ "be no longer taught in Welsh schools or read +at Jesus College, Oxford, whateffer." + +At a recent meeting of the S.P.R. it was proposed by Sir A. CONAN DOYLE, of +Oliver Lodge, Ether, Surrey, "that the Board of Education be asked, in the +interests of scientific truth, to suspend the teaching of _Hamlet_ until +the scenes in which the _Ghost_ appears shall have been emended in the +light of modern research by a committee of psychical experts appointed for +the purpose. The proposer quoted the line spoken by _Hamlet_ to the +apparition:-- + + "Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd," + +and said he would like to substitute for it, "Be thou a subjective +hallucination arising from an uprush of inhibited emotional disturbance +from the subliminal consciousness, or the objectivisation of a telepathic +communication from the extra-corporeal sphere of being, or, finally, a +manifestation to sensory perception of some supra-normal undulatory +movement of the ether." + +He had always deprecated, he said, the meddling of untrained amateurs with +the details of psychic phenomena, and felt that the rule should be made +retrospective. An amendment was carried to add _Julius Caesar_ and _Richard +III._ to the motion for similar reasons. + +The Labour Party have decided to ask Mr. FISHER to ban _Coriolanus_ on the +ground that many of the speeches of the chief character betray an +anti-democratic bias, out of keeping with the ideals that should be set +before the rising generation. Phrases like "The mutable rank-scented many," +applied to the proletariat, could only foster the bourgeois prejudices of +jaundiced reactionaries and teach the young scions of the capitalist +classes to look down upon the manual worker. + + * * * * * + + "For Sale Black Ebony Gentleman's Shaving Outfit."--_Local Paper._ + +We gather that our coloured brother is about to grow a beard. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_buying music_). "OH, AND HAVE YOU GOT 'A LOVER IN +DAMASCUS'?" + +_New Girl._ "WELL, MA'AM, MY FIANCE WAS IN MESPOT, BUT HE'S BACK IN BRIXTON +NOW."] + + * * * * * + +MODERN MOON-RAKERS. + + PORTA, the once notorious Michigander, + Who launched the now exploded solar slander, + Whereat ten thousand negroes stood aghast, + In one short month into oblivion passed, + But PICKERING'S momentous lunar screed + Proves the persistence of this wondrous breed. + Yet this in PICKERING'S favour let us state: + He has no scare or scandal to relate-- + Nothing in any way that may impugn + The credit or the morals of the moon; + And on the other hand it does attract us + To learn that she is growing sage and cactus. + Hardly romantic vegetables, these, + And not so edible as good green cheese + Which nursery rhymers (banned by MONTESSORI) + Associated with the lunar story. + Still PICKERING'S vegetable views are tame + Contrasted with Professor GODDARD'S aim; + For he, as from the daily Press we learn, + An obvious plagiarist of good JULES VERNE, + Would have us build a Bertha fat enough + To send a charge of high explosive stuff + Across the intervening seas of space + Bang into Luna's unoffending face. + Meanwhile our own alert star-gazing chief, + DYSON (Sir FRANK), is rather moved to grief + Than anger by the astronomic pranks + Played by unbalanced professorial cranks, + Who study science in the wild-cat vein + And "ruin along the illimitable inane." + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NAVAL UNIFORM. + + "FOR SALE, NAVAL CADET'S (R.N.) MESS-DRESS; 39 inches side seam; pair + cricket boots, purple velour hat, grey chiffon velvet dress."--_Daily + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "SUEDE TURNIP, best varieties."--_Advt. in Tasmanian Paper._ + +No kid about this offer. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, respectable Man for Polishing Porter."--_Daily + Paper._ + +The manners of some of our porters notoriously leave much to be desired. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +A SLIGHT ACCIDENT SECURES HIM A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION TO THE MASTER.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +_From Friend to Friend_ (MURRAY) is the name given, from the first of them, +to a collection of eight fugitive papers, prepared for republication by the +late Lady RITCHIE during the last months of her life, and now edited by her +sister-in-law, Miss EMILY RITCHIE. Fugitive though they may have been in +original intent, these pages are so filled with their writer's delicate and +very personal charm that her lovers will be delighted to have their flight +thus pleasantly arrested. Lady RITCHIE was above all else the perfect +appreciator. _Horas non numerat nisi serenas_; the gaze that she turns +smilingly upon old happy far-off days looks through spectacles rose-tinted +both by the magic of retrospect and her own genius for admiration. London, +Freshwater, Paris, Rome--these are the settings of her memories; and we see +them all by a light that (perhaps) never was on land or sea, in whose +radiance beauty and wit and genius move wonderfully to a perpetual music. +In truth, however, these eminent Victorians of Lady RITCHIE'S circle must +have been a rare company; I have no space for even a catalogue of +them--Mrs. CAMERON, with her vague magnificence, pouring letters and an +embarrassment of gifts upon her dear TENNYSONS; the KEMBLE sisters, +LOCKHART, THACKERAY himself, a score of great and (to the kindly +chronicler) gracious personalities live again in her pages. I should add +that the volume is rounded off by a short story, a late addition to the +_Miss Williamson_ series, which might be called a pot-boiler, were it not +somehow incongruous to associate so gentle a flame with any such +activities. Slight as it is, _From Friend to Friend_ forms an apt and +graceful finish to the work of one whose life was given to the claims of +friendship. + + * * * * * + +_Fanny goes to War_ (MURRAY) should be read by those who also went and +those who didn't. It is a chronicle of the adventures of the First Aid +Nursing Yeomanry in Belgium and France--vivid; inviting wonder, laughter +and sometimes tears; fresh and delicious. The account of the first visit to +the trenches awakens memories. Viewed from this distance it seems all to +have been so picturesque, such fun! The humour of Thomas, the intelligence +and tact of the good French _poilu_, the awful moments and the wild jests +in between--these are all shown. The splendid humour with which "PAT +BEAUCHAMP," the author, bravely endured her own casualty with its +distressing effects is typical in itself of that spirit in the Anglo-Saxon +race which made the Teuton race wish it hadn't. In my view, the _obiter +dictum_ of an anonymous Colonel sums up the values of this ladies' +contingent better than does the preface of the distinguished Major-General: +"Neither fish, flesh nor fowl," said the Colonel on having the constitution +of this anomalous unit explained to him, "but thundering good red herring!" +Time was, I believe and hope, when I myself, passing through the Base Port +on leave and being full of life and daring, have sighted a lady-chauffeur +of a motor-ambulance and have thrown a friendly glance, even a froward +smile, at her. Waiving all questions of propriety, I hope that this was so, +and that the lady-chauffeur was no less than "PAT BEAUCHAMP" herself, in +the later stages of her career overseas. Though her only response may have +been to splash mud over me, I should feel happy, now, thus to have paid my +respects to this gallant and high-spirited lady. I count myself among the +company, battalion, division, corps and army of her admirers. + + * * * * * + +It certainly does not seem eight years, yet it must be fully that, since +JOSEPH CONRAD in _The English Review_ lifted a veil that lay between his +admirers and an interesting personality with the pleasantly discursive +papers which form the basis of the re-issued _A Personal Record_ (DENT). +Between then and now _Chance_, that masterly but difficult book, has by a +curious freak of public taste given Mr. CONRAD, hitherto the well-loved +favourite of the relatively few, a much wider constituency. To these late +comers, rather than to the older (and of course superior) Conradists, who +know it already, let me recommend this rambling, which is by no means to +say aimless, account of the wanderings of the MS. of _Almayer's Folly_, +some queer entertaining scraps of the author's family history, a +description of the encounters with the original _Almayer_, and those +vignettes of Marseilles which obviously were used as the background of _The +Arrow of Gold_. This record is one of those quiet friendly books that +flatter the devotee by a sense of peculiar intimacy with his hero. It is +also engagingly characteristic. Mr. CONRAD here unravels the fine threads +of his personal history and philosophy with the same artful reserve and +exquisite elaboration with which he evolves the creatures of his +resourceful imagination. + + * * * * * + +_The Life of Liza Lehmann_ (UNWIN), written by herself, and finished, as +her husband tells in a pathetic foot-note, "scarcely two weeks before her +death," is a book holding many special bonds of association with _Punch_, +not least the fact that her father-in-law, Deputy J.T. BEDFORD, was the +author of that _Robert, the City Waiter_, who was among the most famous and +popular of Mr. Punch's early creations. The volume that the writer has put +together is the record of a busy, successful and, on the whole, happy life, +passed in the company of interesting people, about many of whom Madame +LEHMANN has remembered some entertaining story. Chiefly, as is natural, the +persons recorded are the musical folk of the last half-century, from JENNY +LIND to Sir THOMAS BEECHAM; though in the allied Arts I was taken by a +pleasing and new anecdote of ROBERT BROWNING reciting _How they Brought the +Good News_ into an Edison phonograph, and overcome by loss of memory +halfway through the ordeal. One wonders if this rather surprising record +exists to-day. I am not going to assert that the non-technical reader may +not find the pages devoted to reprinted criticism rather over-numerous; old +newspaper files, like old theatrical photographs, too quickly fade. But the +author's humour endured; and I like to think that she could appreciate a +joke made at her own expense; witness her quotation from the gushing friend +who, at the moment of the first triumph of _The Persian Garden_, +overwhelmed the composer with the tribute, "_Do_ let me thank you! The +local colour is _too_ wonderful. I simply felt _as if I was at Liberty's_!" + + * * * * * + +To the jaded reader I recommend _The Road to En-Dor_ (LANE) as a book which +should undoubtedly stir him up. It is the most extraordinary war-tale which +has come my way. With such material as he had to his hand Lieutenant E.H. +JONES would have been a sad muddler if he had not made his story +intriguing; but, anyhow, he happens to be a sound craftsman with a +considerable sense of style and construction. And he has a convincing way +of handling his facts that compels belief in the most incredible of +stories. Lieutenant JONES was a prisoner in the hands of the Turks at +Zozgad, and to amuse himself and his fellow-prisoners he raised a "spook" +which in time gained such a reputation that it had the Turkish officials +almost hopelessly at its mercy. From being merely a joke his spook soon +began to suggest, to him a way of escaping from the camp, and then, in +conjunction with Lieutenant C.W. HILL, he worked it for all it was worth. +His record of their adventures and of the sufferings, physical and mental, +which they had to face is really astounding; but I fear it will be received +coldly by the psychist. Spiritualism, indeed, is treated with scant +respect, and whatever our own view of this vexed subject may be most of us +will admit that Lieutenant JONES has considerable reason for his strong +opinion. + + * * * * * + +In _The Green Shoes of April_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) Miss RACHEL SWETE +MACNAMARA has got together quite a lot of people and situations that other +novelists have used before. There is the fine young Irishman soldiering in +India, the soulless actress who marries and leaves him, and the splendid +Irish girl, his true mate, whom he weds in happy ignorance of his first +partner's continued existence. But the hero has a maiden aunt, with a story +of her own, and the heroine a terrific grandmother who are Miss MACNAMARA'S +creations, and as she makes wife number one lie like a trooper in order to +preserve the happiness of wife number two a _soupcon_ of freshness is +imparted to the _rechauffe_. Of course the well-meaning first wife is not +allowed to succeed in her efforts, and _Beau_ and _Perry_ (you would never +guess from that which was which, but in this case it doesn't matter) have a +very bad time indeed until, reassured by a friendly barrister, they settle +down again into wedded happiness. These are the confiding souls whom +novelists and lawyers love, and I can see Miss MACNAMARA, by-and-by, +getting quite a nice story out of someone's attempt to oust their eldest +son from his inheritance. I hope she will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAIRY TALES REVISED. + +_Cassim Baba._ "AH! NOW I HAVE IT--'OPEN SESAME!' LUCKY THING I HAD THAT +COURSE OF LESSONS IN MEMORY TRAINING."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, January 21st, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16271.txt or 16271.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/7/16271/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |