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diff --git a/16281.txt b/16281.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..777b387 --- /dev/null +++ b/16281.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2195 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 28th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 28th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 13, 2005 [EBook #16281] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +January 28th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Now that petrol is being increased by eightpence a gallon, pedestrians will +shortly have to be content to be knocked down by horsed vehicles or hand +trucks. + +* * * + +Moleskins, says a news item, are now worth eighteen-pence each. It is only +fair to add that the moles do not admit the accuracy of these figures. + +* * * + +Three hundred pounds is the price asked by an advertiser in _The Times_ for +a motor-coat lined with Persian lamb. It is still possible to get a +waistcoat lined with English lamb (or even good capon) for a mere fraction +of that sum. + +* * * + +Charged with impersonation at a municipal election a defendant told the +Carlisle Bench that it was only a frolic. The Bench, entering into the +spirit of the thing, told the man to go and have a good frisk in the second +division. + +* * * + +"Steamers carrying coal from Dover to Calais," says a news item, "are +bringing back champagne." It is characteristic of the period that we should +thus exchange the luxuries of life for its necessities. + +* * * + +Charged at Willesden with travelling without a ticket a Walworth girl was +stated to have a mania for travelling on the Tube. The Court missionary +thought that a position could probably be obtained for her as scrum-half at +a West End bargain-counter. + +* * * + +A correspondent writes to a London paper to say that he heard a lark in +full song on Sunday. We can only suppose that the misguided bird did not +know it was Sunday. + +* * * + +A medical man refers to the case of a woman who has no sense of time, +proportion or numbers. There should be a great chance for her as a +telephone operator. + +* * * + +"Owing to its weed-choked condition," says _The Evening News_, "the Thames +is going to ruin." Unless something is done at once it is feared that this +famous river may have to be abolished. + +* * * + +As the supply of foodstuffs will probably be normal in August next, the +Food Ministry will cease to exist, its business being finished. This seems +a pretty poor excuse for a Government Department to give for closing down. + +* * * + +"Music is not heard by the ear alone," says M. JACQUES DALCROZE. Experience +proves that when the piano is going next door it is heard by the whole of +the neighbour at once. + +* * * + +A weekly paper points out that there are at least thirty thousand +unemployed persons in this country. This of course is very serious. After +all you cannot have strikes unless the people are in work. + +* * * + +It appears that the dog (since destroyed) which was found wandering outside +No. 10, Downing Street, had never tasted Prime Minister. + +* * * + +It is reported that when Sir DAVID BURNETT put up Drury Lane Theatre for +sale under the hammer the other day one gentleman offered to buy it on +condition that the vendor papered the principal room and put a bath in. + +* * * + +A Bolton labourer who picked up twenty-five one-pound Treasury notes and +restored them to the proper owner was rewarded with a shilling. It is only +fair to say that the lady also said, "Thank you." + +* * * + +Asked what he would give towards a testimonial fund for a local hero one +hardy Scot is reported to have said that he would give three cheers. + +* * * + +We learn on good authority that should a General Election take place during +one of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S visits to Paris _The Daily Mail_ will undertake +to keep him informed regarding the results by means of its Continental +edition. + +* * * + +A sad story reaches us from South-West London. It appears that a girl of +twenty attempted suicide because she realised she was too old to write +either a popular novel or a book of poems. + +* * * + +The Guards, it is stated, are to revert to the pre-war scarlet tunic and +busby. Pre-war head-pieces, it may be added, are now worn exclusively at +the War Office. + +* * * + +At the Independent Labour Party's Victory dance it was stipulated that +"evening dress and shirt sleeves are barred." This challenge to the upper +classes (with whom shirt-sleeves are of course _de rigueur_) is not without +its significance. + +* * * + +As much alarm was caused by the announcement in these columns last week +that the collapse of a wooden house was caused by a sparrow stepping on it, +we feel we ought to mention that, owing to a sudden gust of wind, the bird +in question leaned to one side, and it was simply this movement which +caused the house to overbalance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WAVE OF CRIME. + +_Gent._ "WHAT MADE YOU PUT YOUR HAND INTO MY POCKET?" + +_Doubtful Character._ "JUST ABSENT-MINDEDNESS. I ONCE 'AD A PAIR OF PANTS +EXACTLY LIKE THOSE YOU'RE WEARING."] + + * * * * * + + "The eternal combustion engine has become recognised the world over as + a factor in modern civilisation."--_Provincial Paper._ + +But surely it is many years since Lord WESTBURY in the GORHAM case was said +to have "dismissed h---- with costs?" + + * * * * * + +THE SWEET INFLUENCES OF TRADE. + + [The revival, in certain quarters, of commercial relations with Germany + has already begun to blunt the memory of the War. And now the proposal + to open up trade with the Co-operative Societies in Russia, to the + obvious benefit of the Bolshevists, who practically control the whole + country, looks like an attempt to bring about indirectly a peace which + we cannot in decency negotiate through the ordinary channels of + diplomacy.] + + They are coming, the carpet-baggers, their voices are heard in the land, + Guttural Teuton organs, but very polite and bland; + And our arms are stretched for their welcome; we've buried the past like + a dud; + For blood may be thicker than water, but Trade is thicker than blood. + + The Winter of war is over, and lo! with the dawn of Spring + They come, and we greet them coming, like swallows that homeward swing, + Fair as the violet's waking, swift as the snows in flood, + For blood may be thicker than water, but Trade is thicker than blood. + + Likewise with Soviet Russia--we've done with the need to fight; + There are gentler methods (and cheaper) of putting the whole thing right; + The palms of the dealers are plying the soap's invisible sud, + For blood may be thicker than water, but Trade is thicker than blood. + + Of Peace there can be no parley with LENIN'S _regime_, as such, + But Business can easily tackle what Honour declines to touch, + Making the sewage to blossom, sampling the septic mud, + For blood may be thicker than water, but Trade is thicker than blood. + + Thus may our merchant princes modestly play their part, + Speeding the silent process of soldering heart to heart, + Just as the forces of Nature silently swell the bud, + For blood may be thicker than water, but Trade is thicker than blood. + + So in the hands of the Bolshie our hands shall at last be laid; + Deep unto deep is calling to lift the long blockade; + "No truck," we had sworn, "with murder;" but God will forget that oath, + For blood is thicker than water, but Trade is thicker than both. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +WITH THE AUXILIARY PATROL. + +AN HONOURABLE RECORD. + +Many years ago, in the reign of good QUEEN VICTORIA, a little ship sailed +out of Grimsby Docks in all the proud bravery of new paint and snow-white +decks, and passed the Newsand bound for the Dogger Bank. They had +christened her the _King George_, and, though her feminine susceptibilities +were perhaps a trifle piqued at this affront to her sex, it was a right +royal name, and her brand-new boilers swelled with loyal fervour. She was a +steam trawler--at that time one of the smartest steam trawlers afloat, and +she knew it; she held her headlights very high indeed, you may be sure. + +Time passed, and the winds and waters of the North Sea dealt all too rudely +with the fair freshness of her exterior; she grew worn and weather-stained, +and it was apparent even to the casual eye of a landsman that she had left +her girlhood behind her out on the Nor'-East Rough. Some of the younger +trawlers would jeeringly refer to her behind her back as "Auntie," and +affected to regard her as an antediluvian old dowager, which of course was +mainly due to jealousy. But she still pegged away at her work, bringing in +from the Dogger week by week her cargoes of fish, regardless alike of the +ravages of time and the jibes of her upstart rivals. As long as her owners +were satisfied she was happy, for she cherished first and last a sense of +duty, as all good ships do. + +And then suddenly came the War, infesting the seas with unaccustomed and +nerve-racking dangers. I must apologise for mentioning this, as everybody +knows that we ought now to forget about the War as quickly as possible and +get on with more important matters, but at the time it had a certain effect +upon us all, not excluding the _King George_. Scorning the menaces that +lurked about her path she carried on the pursuit of the cod and haddock in +her old undemonstrative fashion, for she was a British ship from stem to +stern and conscious of the tradition behind her. + +Then one day they hauled her up in dock, gave her a six-pounder astern, +fitted her with wireless and sent her out to take care of her unarmed +sisters on the fishing-grounds. She flew the White Ensign. + +These were the proudest days of her life: she was helping to keep the seas. +It is true the big ships of the Fleet might laugh at her in a good-natured +way and pass uncomplimentary remarks about her personal appearance, but +they had to acknowledge her seamanship and her pluck. She could buffet her +way through weather that no destroyer dare face, and mines had no terrors +for her, for even if she were to bump a tin-fish it only meant one old +trawler the less, and the Navy could afford it. + +It was during these days, too, that she became known, though not by name, +to readers of _Punch_, for her adventures and those of her crew were often +chronicled in his tales of the "Auxiliary Patrol." And when she had seen +the War through she said Good-bye to his pages and made ready to return +again to the ways of peace. She was quite satisfied; she never thought of +giving up her job, though she was now a very old ship, and it would have +been no shame to her. She just took a fresh coat of paint and steamed away +to the Dogger Bank once more. + + * * * * * + +The other day a small paragraph appeared in some of the newspapers that +were not too busy discussing the possibilities of another railway strike: +"The Grimsby trawler _King George_," it said, "is reported long over-due +from the fishing-grounds, and the owners say that there is no hope of her +return." No one would notice this, because the first round of the English +Cup was to be played that week, and besides it was not as though it were a +battleship or a big liner that had gone down. It was just the old _King +George_. + +And that, I suppose, is the end of her, except that she may continue to be +remembered by one or two who served aboard her in the days of the Auxiliary +Patrol--remembered as a gallant little ship that served her country in its +hour of need, and did not hold that hour the limit of her service. Well +played, _King George_! + + * * * * * + + "THE DRINKWATER TRAGEDY."--_Heading in "New York Times."_ + +This comes from dry America, but it is not the wail of a "Wet"; merely the +heading of an article on _Abraham Lincoln_. + + * * * * * + + "Wales has its Ulster just as Ireland had, and it was a question + whether Wales was going to be conquered by the industrial area of + Cardiff and the district, or whether the industrial area was going to + conquer Wales."--_Western Mail._ + +We shall put our money on "the industrial area." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POPULAR REAPPEARANCE. + +MR. ASQUITH (_the Veteran Scots Impersonator_) _sings_:-- + + "I LOVE A LASSIE, + ANITHER LOWLAN' LASSIE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WELL, PETERS, HOW DID YOU GET ON?" + +_Steward_ (_who has asked for special leave_). "NOTHIN' DOIN', SIR. THE +SKIPPER 'E SEZ TO ME, 'E SEZ, 'IT'LL COST THE COUNTRY FOUR-AN'-SEVENPENCE +TO SEND YOU 'OME, AN' AS THE NAVY 'AS GOT TO ECONOMISE YOU'LL DO TO BEGIN +ON,' 'E SEZ."] + + * * * * * + +A LIMPET OF WAR. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +The day on which that fine old crusted warrior, Major Slingswivel, quits +the hospitable confines of Nullepart Camp will be the signal that the +British Army in France has completed its work, even to the labelling and +despatching of the last bundle of assorted howitzers. A British army in +France without Major Slingswivel would be unthinkable. It is confidently +asserted that Nullepart Camp was built round him when he landed in '14, and +that he has only emerged from it on annual visits to his tailor for the +purpose of affixing an additional chevron and having another inch let into +his tunic. Latest reports state that he is still going strong, and +indenting for ice-cream freezers in anticipation of a hot summer. + +But for an unforgivable error of tact I might have stood by the old +brontosaurus to the bitter end. One evening he and I were listening to a +concert given by the "Fluffy Furbelows" in the camp Nissen Coliseum, and a +Miss Gwennie Gwillis was expressing an ardent desire to get back to Alabama +and dear ole Mammy and Dad, not to speak of the rooster and the lil +melon-patch way down by the swamp. The prospect as painted by her was so +alluring that by the end of the first verse all the troops were infected +with trans-Atlantic yearnings and voiced them in a manner that would have +made an emigration agent rub his hands and start chartering transport right +away. She had an enticing twinkle which lighted on the Major a few times, +so that I wasn't surprised when the second chorus found him roaring out +that he too was going to take a long lease of a shack down Alabama way. + +"Gad--she's immense! We must invite her to tea to-morrow," he said to me in +a whisper that shook the Nissen hut to its foundations. Slingswivel was no +vocal lightweight. Those people in Thanet and Kent who used to write to the +papers saying they could hear the guns in the Vimy Ridge and Messines +offensives were wrong. What they really heard was Major Slingswivel at +Nullepart expostulating with his partner for declaring clubs on a no-trump +hand. + +"Very well," I answered sulkily. It wasn't the first time the Major had +been captivated by ladies with Southern syncopated tastes, and I knew I +should be expected to complete the party with the other lady member of the +troupe, Miss Dulcie Demiton, and listen to the old boy making very small +talk in a very large voice. I could see myself balancing a teacup and +trying to get in a word here and there through the barrage. + +Still, there was no getting out of it, and next afternoon found our +quartette nibbling _petits gateaux_ in the only _patisserie_ in the +village. The Major was in fine fettle as the war-worn old veteran, and +Gwennie and Dulcie spurred him on with open and undisguised admiration. + +"Now I'm in France," gushed Gwennie, "I want to see _everything_--where the +trenches were and where you fought your terrible battles." + +"Delighted to show you," said Slingswivel, bursting with pride at being +taken for a combatant officer. "How about to-morrow?" + +"Just lovely," cooed Gwennie. "We're showing at Petiteville in the evening, +but we shan't be starting before lunch." + +"That gives us all morning," said the Major enthusiastically. "Miss +Gwennie, Miss Dulcie, Spenlow, we will parade to-morrow at 9.30." + +I couldn't understand it. Naturally Gwennie, with her mind constantly set +on Alabama, couldn't be expected to be up in war geography, but the Major +knew jolly well that all the battles within reasonable distance of +Nullepart had been fought out with chits and indents. I put it to him that +it wasn't likely country for war thrills. + +"Leave it to me," he said confidently. + +So I left it, and when we paraded next morning where do you think the wily +old bird led us? Why, to the old training ground on the edge of the camp, +where the R.E.'s used to lay out beautifully revetted geometrical trenches +as models of what we were supposed to imitate in the front line between +hates. Having been neglected since the Armistice they had caved in a bit +and sagged round the corners till they were a very passable imitation of +the crump-battered thing. + +Old Slingswivel so arranged the itinerary that the girls didn't perceive +that the sector was bounded on one side by Pere Popeau's turnip field and +on the other by a duck-pond, and he showed a tactical knowledge of the +value of cover in getting us into a trench out of view of certain stakes +and pickets that were obviously used by Mere Popeau as a drying-ground. To +divert attention he gave a vivid demonstration of bombing along a C.T. with +clods of earth, with myself as bayonet-man nipping round traverses and +mortally puncturing sand-bags with a walking-stick. It must have been a +pretty nervy business for the Major, for any minute we might have come +across a notice-board about the hours of working parties knocking off for +dinner that would have given the whole show away. But he displayed fine +qualities of leadership and presence of mind at critical moments, notably +when Gwennie showed a disposition to explore a particular dug-out. + +"I shouldn't advise you to go in there, Miss Gwennie," he said gravely. + +"Why?" asked Gwennie apprehensively. + +"Not a pleasant sight for a lady," said the Major gruffly. "It upset _me_ +one day when I looked in." + +This was probable enough, for the Mess steward used it as a store for empty +bottles. + +Gwennie shuddered and passed on. + +The Major mopped his forehead with relief and set the ladies souveniring +among old water-tin stoppers, which he alleged to be the plugs of +hand-grenades. + +Taking it all round, it was a successful morning's show, which did credit +to the producer, and it was only spoiled when, so to speak, the curtain +rolled down amidst thunders of applause. + +"We don't realize what we owe to gallant soldiers like you," said Gwennie +admiringly. + +The Major waved a fat deprecating hand. + +"And Captain Spenlow has just been telling me," continued Gwennie, "that +you occupied this sector all through the War and that you hung on right to +the very last, _notwithstanding incredible efforts to dislodge you_." + +At this crude statement of the naked facts Slingswivel's face went a deeper +shade of purple, and you can appreciate why I put in an urgent application +for immediate release, on compassionate grounds, and why the Major gladly +endorsed it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The New Minister._ "BOY, DO YE NO KEN IT'S THE SAWBATH?" + +_Boy._ "OH AY, FINE. BUT THIS IS WORK O' NECESSITY." + +_Minister._ "AN' HOO IS THAT?" + +_Boy._ "THE MEENISTER'S COMIN' TAE DINNER AN' WE'VE NAETHIN' TAE GIE 'IM."] + + * * * * * + + "WAR CRIMINALS. + + THE THREE PREMIERS MEET ALONE TO-DAY."--_Evening Paper._ + +We suspect Mr. KEYNES' hand in these headlines. + + * * * * * + + "Information wanted as to whereabouts of Mrs. J.O. Plonk (Blonk) wife + of J.O. Plonk (Clonk)."--_Advt. in Chinese Paper._ + +This should go very well with a banjo accompaniment. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAGEDY OF AN AUTHOR'S WIFE. + +"I won't stand it any longer," said Janet intensely, meeting me in the +hall. "Take off your umbrella and listen to me." + +"It's off," I replied faintly, perceiving that something was all my fault. +"Can't you hear it singing 'Niagara' in the porch?" + +I dropped the shopping on the floor and sat down to watch Janet walking up +and down the room. + +"I want," she continued in the tone of one who has had nobody to be +indignant with all day, "a divorce." + +"Who for?" I inquired. "Really, darling, we can't afford any more presents +this--" + +"Me," she interrupted, frowning. + +"Couldn't you have it for your birthday?" I suggested. "I may have some +more money by then. Besides, I gave you--" + +"No, I could not," replied Janet in a voice like the end of the world; "I +want it now. I will not wear myself out trying to live up to an impossible +ideal, and lose all my friends because they can't help comparing me with +it. And it isn't even as if it were my own ideal. I never know what I've +got to be like from one week to another. And what do I get for my +struggles? Not even recognition, much less gratitude." + +"Janet," I said kindly, "I don't know _what_ you're talking about. Who are +these people who keep idealising you? I will not have you annoyed in this +way. Send them to me and I'll put a little solid realism into their heads. +I'll tell them what you really are, and that'll settle their unfortunate +illusions. Dear old girl, don't worry so.... I'll soon put it right." + +Janet looked at me piercingly. + +"It's this," she said; "I keep having people to call on me." + +"I know," I answered, shuddering; "but I can't help it, can I? You +shouldn't be so attractive." + +"Dear Willyum," she replied, "that's just the point; you _can_ help it." + +"Stop calling me names and I'll see what can be done." + +"But it's part of my 'whimsical wit' to call you Willyum," she said grimly. +"I understand that I am like that. People realise this when they read your +articles, and immediately call to see if I'm true. I've read through nearly +all your stories to-day, in between the visitors, and--and--" + +I gripped her hand in silence. + +"I'm losing all my friends," she mourned, touched by my sympathy, "even +those who used to like me long ago. Girls who knew me at school say to +themselves, 'Fancy poor old Janet being like that all the time, and we +never knew!' and they rush down to see me again. They sit hopefully round +me as long as they can bear it; then, after the breakdown, they go away +indignant and never think kindly of me again." + +She gloomed. + +"And all the cousins and nice young men who used to think I was quite jolly +have suddenly noticed how much jollier I might be if only I could say the +things they say you say I say...." + +"Hush, hush," I whispered; "have an aspirin." + +"But it's quite _true_," she cried hopelessly. "And She's just what I ought +to be. She says everything just in the right place. When I compare myself +with Her, I know I'm not a bit the kind of person you admire, and--and it's +no good pretending any longer. I'm not jealous, only--sort of misrubble." + +She rose with a pale smile and, hushing my protestations, arrived at her +conclusion. + +"We must part," she said, throwing her cigarette into the fire and walking +to the window; "I can't help it. I suppose I'm not good enough for you. You +must be free to marry Her when we find Her. I too," she sighed, "must be +free...." + +"I now call upon myself to speak," I remarked, rising hurriedly. "Janet," I +continued, arriving at her side, "keep perfectly still and do not attempt +to breathe, because you will not be able to, and look as pleasant as you +can while I tell you truthfully what I think you are really like." + +(I have been compelled to delete this passage on the ground that even if +people believed me it would only attract more callers.) + +"All right," she continued, unruffling her hair; "but if I do you must +promise to leave off writing stories about me. Will you?" + +"But, darling," I objected, "consider the bread-and-jam." + +She was silent. + +"Well, then," she said at last, "you must only write careful ones that I +can live up to." + +"I'll try," I agreed remorsefully; "I'll go and do one now--all about this. +And you can censor it." I left the room jauntily. + +Janet's voice, suddenly repentant, followed me. + +"No," she called, "that won't do either. Because if it's a true one you +won't sell it." + +"But if it isn't," I called back, "and I do, we can put the money in the +Divorce Fund." + + * * * * * + +THE SORROWS OF A SUPER-PROFITEER. + + [Bradford wool-spinners are stated to be unable to escape from the + deluge of wealth that pours upon them or avoid making profits of three + thousand two hundred per cent.] + + And so you thought we simply steered + Great motor-cars to champagne dinners + And bought tiaras and were cheered + By hopes of breeding Epsom winners; + Eh, lad, you little knew the weird + Dreed by the Yorkshire spinners. + + How hollow are those marble halls, + The place I built and deemed a show-thing, + Its terraces, its waterfalls-- + Once more I hear that sound of loathing, + The bell rings and a stranger calls + To speak of underclothing. + + They've bashed my offices to wrecks, + They've broke their way beyond the warders, + And now my country seat they vex, + They trample my herbaceous borders; + They chase me up and down with cheques, + They flummox me with orders. + + They bolt me to the billiard-room, + Where chaps are playing five-bob snooker; + They see me dodging from the doom, + They heed no threats and no rebuker; + "We've got thee now," they say, "ba goom!" + And pelt me with their lucre. + + Vainly I put the prices up + To stem that flowing tide of riches; + The horror haunts me as I sup; + The unknown guest arrives and pitches + His ultimatum in my cup:-- + "The people must have breeches." + + I shall not see the skylark soar + Nor hear the cuckoo nor the linnet, + When Springtime comes, above the roar + Of folk a-hollering each minute + For yarn at thirty-two times more + Than what I spent to spin it. + + Eh me, I cannot help but pine + For days departed now and olden, + When I could drink of common wine, + To powdered flunkeys unbeholden; + Do peas taste better when we dine + Because the knife is golden? + + Often I wish I might repair + To haunts that once I used to enter, + Like "The Old Fleece" up yonder there, + Of which I was a great frequenter, + Not yet a brass-bound millionaire, + But just a cent-per-center. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "Over 30,000 people paid L2,019 to see the cup tie at Valley Parade."-- + _Provincial Paper._ + +The new rich! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +HERO-WORSHIP: DISTRACTIONS OF THE FILM WORLD.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Female_ (_to ignorant party_). "'E'S DRESSED AS ONE O' THEM +BRONCHIAL BUSTERS TO ATTRACT ATTENTION TO 'IS CORF CURE."] + + * * * * * + +THE JUMBLE SALE. + +Aunt Angela coughed. "By the way, Etta was here this afternoon." + +Edward's eye met mine. The result of Etta's last call was that Edward spent +a vivid afternoon got up as Father Christmas in a red dressing-gown and +cotton-wool whiskers, which caught fire and singed his home-grown articles, +small boys at the same time pinching his legs to see if he was real, while +I put in some sultry hours under a hearthrug playing the benevolent +polar-bear to a crowd of small girls who hunted me with fire-irons. + +"What is it this time?" I asked. + +"A jumble sale," said Aunt Angela. + +"What's that?" + +"A scheme by which the bucolic English exchange garbage," Edward explained. + +"Oh, well, that has nothing to do with us, thank goodness." + +He returned to his book, a romance entitled _Gertie, or Should She Have +Done It?_ Edward, I should explain, is a philosopher by trade, but he +beguiles his hours of ease with works of fiction borrowed from the cook. + +Aunt Angela was of a different opinion. "Oh, yes, it has: both of you are +gradually filling the house up with accumulated rubbish. If you don't +surrender most of it for Etta's sale there'll be a raid." + +My eye met Edward's. We walked out into the hall. + +"We'll have to give Angela something or she'll tidy us," he groaned. + +"These orderly people are a curse," I protested. "They have no +consideration for others. Look at me; I am naturally disorderly, but I +don't run round and untidy people's houses for them." + +Edward nodded. "I know; I know it's all wrong, of course; we should make a +stand. Still, if we can buy Angela off, I think ... you understand?..." And +he ambled off to his muck-room. + +If anybody in this neighbourhood has anything that is both an eyesore and +an encumbrance they bestow it on Edward for his muck-room, where he stores +it against an impossible contingency. I trotted upstairs to my bedroom and +routed about among my _Lares et Penates_. I have many articles which, +though of no intrinsic value, are bound to me by strong ties of sentiment; +little old bits of things--you know how it is. After twenty minutes' +heart-and-drawer-searching I decided to sacrifice a policeman's helmet and +a sock, the upper of which had outlasted the toe and heel. I bore these +downstairs and laid them at Aunt Angela's feet. + +"What's this?" said she, stirring the helmet disdainfully with her toe. + +"Relic of the Great War. The Crown Prince used to wear it in wet weather to +keep the crown dry." + +Aunt Angela sniffed and picked up the sock with the fire-tongs. "And this?" + +"A sock, of course," I explained. "An emergency sock of my own invention. +It has three exits, you will observe, very handy in case of fire." + +"Hump!" said Aunt Angela. + +Edward returned bearing his offerings, a gent's rimless boater, a doorknob, +six inches of lead-piping and half a bottle of cod-liver oil. + +"Hump!" said Aunt Angela. + +No more was said of it that night. Aunt Angela resumed her sewing, Edward +his _Gertie_, I my slumb--, my meditations. Nor indeed was the jumble sale +again mentioned, a fact which in itself should have aroused my suspicions; +but I am like that, innocent as a sucking-dove. I had put the matter out of +my mind altogether until yesterday evening, when, hearing the sound of +laboured breathing and the frantic clanking of a bicycle pump proceeding +from the shed, I went thither to investigate, and was nearly capsized by +Edward charging out. + +"It's gone," he cried--"gone!" and pawed wildly for his stirrup. + +"What has?" I inquired. + +"'The Limit,'" he wailed. "She's picked ... lock ... muck-room with a +hairpin, sent ... Limit ... jumble sale!" + +He sprang aboard his cycle and disappeared down the high road to St. +Gwithian, pedalling like a squirrel on a treadmill, the tails of his new +mackintosh spread like wings on the breeze. So Aunt Angela with serpentine +guile had deferred her raid until the last moment and then bagged "The +Limit," the pride of the muck-room. + +"The Limit," I should tell you, is (or was) a waterproof. It is a faithful +record of Edward's artistic activities during the last thirty years, being +decorated all down the front with smears of red, white and green paint. +Here and there it has been repaired with puncture patches and strips of +surgical plaster, but more often it has not. As Edward is incapable of +replacing a button and Aunt Angela refuses to touch the "Limit," he knots +himself into it with odds and ends of string and has to be liberated by his +ally, the cook, with a kitchen knife. Edward calls it his "garden coat," +and swears he only wears it on dirty jobs, to save his new mackintosh, but +nevertheless he is sincerely attached to the rag, and once attempted to +travel to London to a Royal Society beano in it, and was only frustrated in +the nick of time. + +So the oft-threatened "Limit" had been reached at last. I laughed heartily +for a moment, then a sudden cold dread gripped me, and I raced upstairs and +tore open my wardrobe. Gregory, the glory of Gopherville, had gone too! + +A word as to Gregory. If you look at a map of Montana and follow a line due +North through from Fort Custer you will not find Gopherville, because a +cyclone removed it some eight years ago. Nine years ago, however, Gregory +and I first met in the "Bon Ton Parisian Clothing Store," in the main (and +only) street of Gopherville, and I secured him for ten dollars cash. He is +a mauve satin waistcoat, embroidered with a chaste design of anchors and +forget-me-nots, subtly suggesting perennial fidelity. The combination of +Gregory and me proved irresistible at all Gopherville's social events. + +Wishing to create a favourable atmosphere, I wore Gregory at my first party +in England. I learn that Aunt Angela disclaimed all knowledge of me during +that evening. + +Subsequently she made several determined attempts to present Gregory to the +gardener, the butcher's boy and to an itinerant musician as an overcoat for +his simian colleague. Had I foiled her in all of these to be beaten in the +end? No, not without a struggle. I scampered downstairs again and, wresting +Harriet's bicycle from its owner's hands (Harriet is the housemaid and it +was her night out), was soon pedalling furiously after Edward. + +The jumble sale was being held in the schools and all St. Gwithian was +there, fighting tooth and nail over the bargains. A jumble sale is to _rus_ +what remnant sales are to _urbs_. I battled my way round to each table in +turn, but nowhere could I find my poor dear old Gregory. Then I saw Etta, +the presiding genius, and butted my way towards her. + +"Look here," I gasped--"have you by any chance seen--?" I gave her a full +description of the lost one. + +Etta nodded. "Sort of illuminated horse-blanket? Oh, yes, I should say I +have." + +"Tell me," I panted--"tell me, is it sold yet? Who bought it? Where is--?" + +"It's not sold _yet_," said Etta calmly. "There was such rivalry over it +that it's going to be raffled. Tickets half-a-crown each. Like one?" + +"But it's _mine_!" I protested. + +"On the contrary, it's _mine_; Angela gave it to me. If you care to buy all +the tickets--?" + +"How much?" I growled. + +"Four pounds." + +"But--but that's twice as much as I paid for it originally!" + +"I know," said Etta sweetly, "but prices have risen terribly owing to the +War." + + * * * * * + +I found Edward outside leaning on his jaded velocipede. He was wearing the +"Limit." + +"Hello," said he, "got what you wanted?" + +"Yes," said I, "and so, I observe, did you. How much did _you_ have to +pay?" + +"Nothing," said he triumphantly; "Etta took my new mackintosh in exchange," +he chuckled. "I think we rather scored off Angela this time, don't you?" + +"Yes," said I--"ye-es." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN IN PROCESS OF DECIDING THAT THE HIRE +OF A CAR TO TAKE HIM TO HIS FANCY-DRESS REVEL WOULD HAVE BEEN WELL WORTH +THE EXPENSE.] + + * * * * * + +From an invitation to a subscription-ball:-- + + "Hoping that you will endeavour to make this, our first dance, a + bumping success...." + +As the Latin gentleman might have said, _Nemo repente fuit Terpsichore_. + + * * * * * + + "_Two pigs off their feet had hard work to get to food trough, but + K---- Pig Powders soon put them right._"--_Local Paper._ + +Set them on their feet again, we conclude. + + * * * * * + + "Respectable reserved lady (25), of ability, wishes to meet respectable + keen Business Gentleman, honourable and reserved."--_Advt. in Irish + Paper._ + +Obviously reserved for one another. + + * * * * * + + "A big re-union of all returned men and their dependents is to be held + at the Board of Trade building on New Year's day.... A year ago the + affair was a hug success and the ladies hope for an even better record + this year."--_Manitoba Free Press._ + +Manitoba is so embracing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Boy_ (_indicating highly-powdered lady_). "MUMMY, MAY +I WRITE 'DUST' ON THAT LADY'S BACK?"] + + * * * * * + +TO MY BUTTER RATION + +(_On hearing that the stuff is shortly to be decontrolled_). + + Thou whom, when Saturday's expiring sun + Informs me that another day is done + And summons fire from the reflecting pane + Of Griggs and Sons, where groceries obtain, + I seek, not lightly nor in careless haste + As men buy bloaters or anchovy paste, + Who fling the cash down with abstracted air, + Crying, "Two tins, please," or "I'll take the pair," + But reverently and with concentred gaze + Lest Griggs's varlet (drat his casual ways!), + Intrigued with passing friend or canine strife, + Leave half of thee adhering to the knife-- + My butter ration! If symbolic breath + Can be presumed in one so close to death, + It is decreed that thou, my heart's desire, + Who scarcely art, must finally expire; + Yea, they who hold thy fortunes in their hands, + Base-truckling to the profiteer's commands, + No more to my slim revenues will temper + The cost of thee, but with a harsh "_Sic semper_ + _Pauperibus_" fling thee, heedless of my prayers, + Into the fatted laps of war-time millionaires. + + No more when Phoebus bids the day be born + And savoury odours greet the Sabbath morn, + Calling to Jane to bring the bacon in, + Shall I bespread thee, marvellously thin, + But ah! how toothsome! while my offspring barge + Into the cheap but uninspiring marge, + While James, our youngest (spoilt), proceeds to cram + His ample crop with plum and rhubarb jam. + No more when twilight fades from tower and tree + Shall I conceal what still remains of thee + Lest that the housemaid or, perchance, the cat + Should mischief thee, imponderable pat. + Ah, mine no more! for lo! 'tis noised around + How thou wilt soon cost seven bob a pound. + As well demand thy weight in radium + As probe my 'poverished poke for such a sum. + Wherefore, farewell! No more, alas! thou'lt oil + These joints that creak with unrewarded toil; + No more thy heartsick votary's midmost riff + Wilt lubricate, and, oh! (as WORDSWORTH says) the diff! + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +"PUNCH" ON THE SCREEN. + +Mr. Punch begs to inform the Public that he has prepared for their +entertainment twelve sets of Lantern Slides reproducing his most famous +Cartoons and Pictures (five of the sets deal with the Great War), and that +they may be hired, along with explanatory Lectures, and, if desired, a +Lantern and Operator, on application to Messrs. E.G. WOOD, 2, Queen Street, +Cheapside, E.C., to whom all inquiries as to terms should be addressed. + + * * * * * + + "When he endeavoured to put the man out the Alderman was chucked under + the paw. He drove straight to the barracks, informed the police of what + had occurred, and having met his assailant on the road near by, he was + placed under arrest."--_Irish Paper._ + +The Alderman seems to have had a rough time all through. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ROUGE GAGNE-- + +MAIS LA SEANCE N'EST PAS ENCORE TERMINEE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Newly-crowned Cotton King_ (_with the plovers' eggs_). +"'ERE, MY LAD, TAKE THESE DARN THINGS AWAY. THEY'RE 'ARD-BOILED AND +ABSOLUTELY STONE-COLD."] + + * * * * * + +THE MOO-COW. + +I was getting so tired of the syncopated life of town (and it didn't fit in +with my present literary work) that I bribed my old pal Hobson to exchange +residences with me for six months, with option; so now he has my flat in +town, complete with Underground Railway and street noises (to say nothing +of jazz music wherever he goes), and I have his country cottage, old- +fashioned and clean, and a perfectly heavenly silence to listen to. Still, +there _are_ noises, and their comparative infrequency makes them the more +noticeable. There is, for instance, a cow that bothers me more than a +little. It has chosen, or there has been chosen, for its day nursery a +field adjoining my (really Hobson's) garden. It has selected a spot by the +hedge, almost under the study window, as a fit and proper place for its +daily round of mooing. + +Possibly this was at Hobson's request. Perhaps he likes the sound of +mooing, or, conceivably, the cow doesn't like Hobson, and moos to annoy +him. But surely it cannot mistake me for him. We are not at all alike. He +is short and dark; I am tall and fair. This has given rise to a question in +my mind: Can cows distinguish between human beings? + +Anyway the cow worries me with its continual fog-horn, and I thought I +would write to the owner (a small local dairy-farmer) to see if he could +manage to find another field in which to batten this cow, where it could +moo till it broke its silly tonsils for all I should care; so I indited +this to him:-- + +MY DEAR SIR,--You have in your entourage a cow that is causing me some +annoyance. It is one of those red-and-white cows (an Angora or Pomeranian +perhaps; I don't know the names of the different breeds, being a town +mouse), and it has horns of which one is worn at an angle of fifteen or +twenty degrees higher than the other. This may help you to identify it. It +possesses, moreover, a moo which is a blend between a ship's siren and a +taxicab's honk syringe. If you haven't heard either of these instruments +you may take my word for them. Further, I think it may really assist you if +I describe its tail. The last two feet of it have become unravelled, and +the upper part is red, with a white patch where the tail is fastened on to +the body. + +It is only the moo part of the cow that is annoying me; I like the rest of +it. I am engaged in writing a book on the Dynamic Force of Modern Art, and +a solo on the Moo does not blend well with such labour as mine. + +There are hens here at Hillcroft. This remark may seem irrelevant, but not +if you read on. Every time one of these hens brings five-pence-halfpenny +worth of egg into the world it makes a noise commensurate with this feat. +But I contend that even if your cow laid an egg every time it moos (which +it doesn't, so far as my survey reveals) its idiotic bellowing would still +be out of all proportion to the achievement. Even milk at a shilling a +quart scarcely justifies such assertiveness. + +My friend Mr. Hobson may, of course, have offended the animal in question, +but even so I cannot see why I should have to put up with its horrible +revenge; which brings me to the real and ultimate reason for troubling you, +and that is, to ask you if you will be so good as to tell the cow to +desist, and, in case of its refusal, to remove it to other quarters. If the +annoyance continues I cannot answer for the consequences. + + Thanking you in anticipation, + I am, Yours faithfully, + ARTHUR K. WILKINSON. + +The reply ran:-- + +DEER SIR,--i am not a scollard and can't understand more'n 'alf your letter +if you don't lik my cow why not go back were you cum from i dunno what you +mean by consequences but if you lay 'ands on my cow i'll 'ave the lor of +you. + +Yours obedient HENRY GIBBS. + +I felt that I hadn't got off very well with Henry, and thought I would try +again, so wrote:-- + +DEAR MR. GIBBS,--Thank you so much for your too delightful letter. I am +afraid you somewhat misapprehended the purport of mine. I freely admit your +right to turn all manner of beasts into your demesne; equally do I concede +to them the right to play upon such instruments as Nature has handed out to +them; but I also claim the right to be allowed to carry on my work +undisturbed. The consequences would be to me, not to the cow, unless +laryngitis supervenes. I love cows, and I greatly admire this particular +cow, but not its moo; that is all. + +Is it, do you suppose, uttering some Jeremiad or prophecy? Can it, for +example, be foretelling the doom of the middle classes? Or is it possible +that our noisy friend is uttering a protest against some injurious +treatment received from its master? + +I have discovered that our daily supply of milk is supplied by your herd, +and on inquiry I find that our cook is not at all confident that a quart of +the same as delivered to us would satisfy the requirements of the Imperial +standard of measurement. + +If the animal's fog-horn continues I shall take it as an indignant protest +against a slight that has been cast on its fertility, and shall seriously +think of calling in the Food-Inspector to examine you in the table of +liquid measure. + +Delightful weather we have been experiencing, have we not? + + Believe me as ever, dear Mr. Gibbs, + Yours most sincerely, + ARTHUR K. WILKINSON. + +I do not know how much my correspondent understood of this letter, but, as +the moo-cow was shortly afterwards relegated to fresh pastures, and as we +are getting decidedly better measure for our milk money, I gather that he +had enough intelligence for my purposes. + +The threat which I thus put at a venture may be recommended to anyone +suffering from the moo nuisance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: USES OF A TUBE NUISANCE.] + + * * * * * + + "The serious loss to D'Annunzio recently of 300,000 lire, through the + disappearance of his cashier, has had a happy sequel. The airman-poet + has received a like amount from a rich Milanese lady. The donor remains + incognito."--_Evening Standard._ + +It was very clever of the lady to disguise herself as an unknown man. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW SUBTRACTION. + +(_By a middle-class Martyr._) + + EUCLID is gone, dethroned, + By dominies disowned, + And modern physicists, Judaeo-Teuton, + Finding strange kinks in space, + Swerves in light's arrowy race, + Make havoc of the theories of NEWTON. + + Yet, mid this general wreck, + These blows dealt in the neck + Of authors of established reputation, + Four methods unassailed + Endured and never failed + To guide our arithmetic calculations. + + But now at last new rules + Are used in "Council Schools" + In consequence of Governmental action; + And newspapers abound + In praise of the profound + Importance of the so-called "New Subtraction." + + New, maybe, but too well + I know its influence fell; + The "new subtraction" (which _I_ suffer under) + From what I earn or save + By toiling like a slave + Is just a euphemistic name for plunder. + + * * * * * + + "At Richmond a discharged soldier was charged with stealing a pillow, + valued at 7/6, the property of the Government.... The prisoner, who had + a clean sheet, was fined 40/-."--_Local Paper._ + +We can understand his wanting a fresh pillow to go with his clean sheet. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Golf Enthusiast_ (_urging the merits of the game_). "--AND, +BESIDES, IT'S SO GOOD FOR YOU." + +_Unbeliever._ "SO IS COD-LIVER OIL."] + + * * * * * + +GOLDEN GEESE. + +The London University Correspondent of _The Observer_ has been deploring +the fact that a number of professors and lecturers have lately resigned +their poorly-paid academic positions in order to take up commercial and +industrial posts at much higher salaries. Among the instances he cites is +that of a Professor of Chemistry at King's College, who has been appointed +Director of Research to the British Cotton Industry Research Association. + +The movement, which the writer denounces as bearing "too obvious an analogy +to the killing of the golden goose," is not however confined to London +University. From the great seats of learning all over the country the same +complaint is heard. We learn, for instance, that Mr. Angus McToddie, until +recently Professor of Physics at the John Walker University, N.B., has +vacated that post on his appointment as Experimental Adviser to the British +Constitutional Whisky Manufacturers' Association. + +Past and present _alumni_ of Tonypandy will learn with regret that the +University is to lose the services of its Professor of Live Languages, Mr. +O. Evans, who is about to assume the responsible and highly-remunerated +position of Director of Research to the Billingsgate Fishporters' Self-Help +Society. + +The Egregius Professor of Ancient History at Giggleswick University will +shortly take up his duties as Editor of _Chestnuts_, the new comic weekly. + +Professor Ernest Grubb, who for many years has adorned the Chair of +Entomology at Durdleham, is about to enter the dramatic sphere as +stage-manager to a well-known troupe of performing insects. + +Another recruit to Stage enterprise is Professor Seymour Legge, who has +been appointed Chief Investigator to the Beauty Chorus Providers' +Corporation. Mr. Legge was formerly Professor of Comparative Anatomy at +Ballycorp. + + * * * * * + +SATURDAYS. + + Now has the soljer handed in his pack, + And "Peace on earth, goodwill to all" been sung; + I've got a pension and my ole job back-- + Me, with my right leg gawn and half a lung; + But, Lord! I'd give my bit o' buckshee pay + And my gratuity in honest Brads + To go down to the field nex' Saturday + And have a game o' football with the lads. + + It's Saturdays as does it. In the week + It's not too bad; there's cinemas and things; + But I gets up against it, so to speak, + When half-day-off comes round again and brings + The smell o' mud an' grass an' sweating men + Back to my mind--there's no denying it; + There ain't much comfort tellin' myself then, + "Thank Gawd, I went _toot sweet_ an' did my bit!" + + Oh, yes, I knows I'm lucky, more or less; + There's some pore blokes back there who played the game + Until they heard the whistle go, I guess, + For Time an' Time eternal. All the same + It makes me proper down at heart and sick + To see the lads go laughing off to play; + I'd sell my bloomin' soul to have a kick-- + But what's the good of talkin', anyway? + + * * * * * + + "If we were suddenly to be deprived of the fast underground train, and + presented with a sparse service of steam trains in sulphurous tunnels, + the result on our tempers and the rate of our travelling would be-- + well, electric!"--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + +We have tried to think of a less appropriate word than "electric," but have +failed miserably. + + * * * * * + +THE RIDING LESSON. + +Phillida arrived up to time with her suit-case, a riding-crop and a large +copy of D'AULNOY'S _Fairy Tales_. She was not very communicative as we +drove out, and I sought to draw her. You never, by the way, talk down to +Phillida. Personally, I don't believe in talking down to any child; but to +employ this method with Phillida is to court disaster. + +"Pleasant journey?" I inquired casually, flicking Rex's ear. + +"'M," responded Phillida in the manner of a child sucking sweets. Phillida +was not sucking sweets, and I accepted my snub. We drove on for a bit in +silence. Phillida removed her hat, and her bobbed hair went all round her +head like a brown busby. I looked round and was embarrassed to find the +straight grey eyes fixed on my face, the expression in them almost +rapturous. + +"Jolly country, isn't it?" I essayed hurriedly, with a comprehensive wave +of my whip. + +The preoccupied "'M" was repeated with even less emphasis. + +Another protracted silence. I decided not to interfere with the course of +nature as manifested in one small grey-eyed maiden of eight. Presently +there burst from her ecstatically, "Uncle Dick, is this the one I'm going +to ride?" So that was it. From that moment we got on splendidly. We +discussed, agreed and disagreed over breeds, paces, sizes. I told her the +horse she would ride would be twice the size of Rex, and she nearly fell +out of the trap when I said we might go together that very afternoon. + +"I've not learned to gallop," she remarked with some reluctance; "but of +course you could teach me." + +I had only heard the vaguest rumours of her riding experience, and she was +very mysterious about it herself. However, when she came downstairs at the +appointed time, in her brown velvet jockey-cap, top-boots, breeches and +gloves complete, she looked so determined and efficient I felt reassured. + +I had to make holes in the stirrup leathers eleven inches higher than the +top one of all before she could touch the irons; but she settled into the +saddle with great firmness and we were off without any fuss. Once on a +horse, she had no difficulty in maintaining a perfect continuity of speech, +and I soon felt relieved of all anxiety about her safety. If she was not an +old and practised hand, she had nerve and balance, and I did not think fit +to produce the leading rein which I had smuggled into my pocket. + +We trotted a perfect three miles, and she had an eye to the country and a +word to say about all she saw. When we turned to come back, I felt +Brimstone make his usual spurt forward, but I was not prepared for +Treacle's sudden break away. He was off like a rocket. That small child's +cap was flung across my eyes in a sudden gust. I had retrieved it in a +second, but it was time lost, and, by Jove! she was out of sight round a +bend. I followed after, might and main, but the racket of Brimstone's hoofs +only sent Treacle flying faster. I caught sight of the small figure leaning +back, the bright hair flying. Then they were gone again. My heart beat very +fast. "She had never learned to gallop!" At every bend I hardly dared to +look for what I might find. I knew Treacle, once started, would dash for +home. If the child could only stick it, all might be well. I pounded along, +and after a two-mile run I came on them. She had pulled him in and was +walking him, waiting for me, a little turned in the saddle, one minute hand +resting lightly on his broad back. She was prettily flushed, her hair +blown, but she hadn't even lost her crop. + +"Did you stop to get my cap?" she said as we came up. "Thanks awfully." + +I wanted to hug the little thing, but her dignity forbade any such +exhibition. + +The only other reference to the afternoon's experience was on a postcard I +happened to see written the same night, addressed to her mother. + +"DARLING BEE" (it ran in very large baby characters),--"I had the most +adorable ride to-day I ever had. I learned to galup all by myself. I thaut +at first the horse was running away with me, but Uncle Dick soon caut me +up. He had my cap. + + Your loving + PHILLIDA." + +I only hope that Isabel will think it was all just as deliberate as that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"YOU NEEDN'T BE A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT HANDLING THE CHILD, ME LAD. IT'S NOT A +REAL ONE."] + + * * * * * + + "The Ashton-under-Lyne fight is beginning, and _The Daily News_ comes + forward to-day with the suggestion that the Liberal candidate should + withdraw. + + The practical effect of the candidature of a Liebral may be only to + reduce the Labour majority.... + + In such circumstances we think it matter for great regret that there + should be any Libtral candilature.... + + Upon this the comment at the Liberal headquarters to-day was, 'Well, it + is a little difficult to know just where we are, isn't it?'"--_Evening + Paper._ + +Yes, or _what_ we are, for that matter. + + * * * * * + + "GILBERT-SULLIVAN OPERAS. + + Friday, 'Trial by July.'"--_Provincial Paper._ + +It seems a long remand. + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC CAMARADERIE. + + "The whole of this preliminary business is nauseating, and in _real_ + sporting circles it is taboo as a topic of conversation. No wonder _The + Times_ devoted a leading article to the matter the other day."--_Daily + Mail._ + +How these NORTHCLIFFE journals love one another! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _P.C._ (_referring to notes_). "I TOLD 'ER SHE WOULD BE +REPORTED, YOUR WORSHIP, TO WHICH SHE REPLIED, 'GO AHEAD, MY CHEERY LITTLE +SUNBEAM!'"] + + * * * * * + +MORE CHAMPIONSHIPS. + +The sporting public is so intrigued by the prospect of a DEMPSEY-CARPENTIER +match that other impending championship events are in danger of being +forgotten. + +The present position in the challenge for the World's Halma Championship is +this. Mr. George P. Henrun is patriotically endeavouring to secure the +contest for Britain, and to that end has put up a purse of half-a-guinea. +The Societe Halma de Bordeaux has cut in with a firm offer of twenty-two +francs, and the matter now remains in abeyance while financial advisers +calculate the rate of exchange in order to ascertain which proposal is the +more advantageous. The challenger, of course, is Tommy Jupes, aged twelve, +of Ashby-de-la-Zouche. His opponent, the champion, has an advantage of +three years in age and two inches in reach, but the strategy of Master +Jupes is said to be irresistible. Only last week he overwhelmed his mother, +herself a scratch player, when conceding her four men and the liberty to +cheat twice. + +The public will be thrilled to hear that a match has now been arranged +between the two lady aspirants for the World's Patience Championship, +_viz._, Miss Tabitha Templeman, of Bath, and Miss Priscilla J. Jarndyce, of +Washington. To meet the territorial prejudices of both ladies the contest +will take place in mid-Atlantic, on a liner. There will be no seconds, but +Miss Templeman will be accompanied by the pet Persian, which she always +holds in her lap while playing, and Miss Jarndyce will bring with her the +celebrated foot-warmer which is associated with her greatest triumphs. The +vexed question of the allocation of cinema royalties has been settled +through the tact of Mr. Manketlow Spefforth, author of _Patience for the +Impatient_. One lady wanted the royalties to be devoted to a Home for Stray +Cats, and the other expressed a desire to benefit the Society for the +Preservation of Wild Bird Life. Mr. Spefforth's happy compromise is that +the money shall be assigned to the Fund in aid of Distressed Spinsters. + +Bert Hawkins, of Whitechapel, has expressed his willingness, on suitable +terms, to meet T'gumbu, the powerful Matabele, in a twenty-ball contest for +the World's Cokernut-Shying Championship. There is however a deadlock over +details. T'gumbu's manager is adamant that the match shall take place in +his nominee's native village of Mpm, but Mr. Hawkins objects, seeing little +chance of escaping alive after the victory of which he is so confident. He +says he would "feel more safer like on 'Ampstead 'Eaf." Another difficulty +is that Mr. Hawkins insists on wearing his _fiancee's_ headgear while +competing, and this is regarded by T'gumbu as savouring of witchcraft. Mr. +Hawkins generously offers his opponent permission to wear any article of +his wives' clothing; but the coloured candidate quite reasonably retorts +that this concession is practically valueless. On one point fortunately +there is unaniminity: both parties are firm that all bad nuts must be +replaced. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER ASIAN MYSTERY. + +"OLD AND RARE PAINTINGS. Exquisite works of old Indian art. Mytholo-Roast +Beef or Pork: Bindaloo Sausages gical, Historical, Mediaeval."--_Englishman_ +(_Calcutta_). + + * * * * * + + "Two capable young gentlemen desire Posts in good families as + Companions, ladies or children; mending, hairdressing, decorations; + willing to travel; in or near London."--_Daily Paper._ + +What did _they_ do in the Great War? + + * * * * * + + "One of the exquisite features was the presence of the Deacon's wives. + We had 83 upon our Roll of Honour, and of these 36 turned up."--_Parish + Magazine._ + +The other forty-seven being presumably engaged in looking after the Deacon. + + * * * * * + + "In addition to the fine work done by the Irish regiments he assured + them that many a warm Irish heart beat under a Scottish kilt."--_Local + Paper._ + +Surely Irishmen enlisted in Scottish regiments are not so down-hearted as +all that! + + * * * * * + +THE TALE OF THE TUNEFUL TUB. + + ["Why do so many people sing in the bathroom?... The note is struck for + them by the running water. While the voice sounds resonantly in the + bath-room it is not half so fine and inspiring when the song is + continued in the dressing-room. The reason is that the furniture of the + dressing-room tends to deaden the reverberations."--_Prof. W.H. BRAGG + on "The World of Sound."_] + + When to my morning tub I go, + With towel, dressing-gown and soap, + Then most, the while I puff and blow, + My soul with song doth overflow + (Not unmelodiously, I hope). + + The plashing of the H. and C. + Castalian stimulus affords; + I reach with ease an upper G + And, like the wild swan, carol free + The gamut of my vocal chords. + + And when, my pure ablutions o'er, + The larynx fairly gets to work, + Amid the unplugged water's roar + I caper, trolling round the floor, + In tones as rich as THOMAS BURKE. + + But in my dressing-room's retreat + My native wood-notes wilt and sag; + Not there those raptures I repeat; + My bellow now becomes a bleat + (For reasons, ask Professor BRAGG). + + So, Ruth, if song may find a path + Still through thy heart, be listening by + The bathroom while I take my bath; + But leave before the aftermath, + Nor while I'm dressing linger nigh. + + On the acoustic side, I fear, + My chest of drawers is quite a "dud;" + The chairs would silence Chanticleer, + Nor would I have you overhear + When I have lost my collar-stud. + + * * * * * + +BOOKS AND BACKS. + +The proposal to revive the old "yellow back" cover for novels, partly in +the interest of economy in production, partly to attract the purchaser by +the lure of colour, has caused no little stir in the literary world. In +order to clarify opinion on the subject Mr. Punch has been at pains to +secure the following expressions of their views from some of the leading +authors of both sexes:-- + +Mr. J.M. KEYNES, C.B., the author of the most sensational book of the hour, +contributed some interesting observations on the economics of the dye +industry and their bearing on the question. These we are reluctantly +obliged to omit. We may note however his general conclusion that the impact +on the public mind of a book often varies in an inverse ratio with the +attractiveness of its appearance or its title. At the same time he admits +that if he had called his momentous work _The Terrible Treaty_, and if it +had been bound in a rainbow cover with a Cubist design, its circulation +might have been even greater than it actually is. But then, as he candidly +owns, "as a Cambridge man, I may be inclined to attach an undue importance +to 'Backs.'" + +Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON writes: "MATT. ARNOLD once chaffed me for keeping a +guillotine in my back-garden. But my real colour was never sea-green in +politics any more than it is yellow in literature or journalism. Yet I have +a great tenderness for the old yellow-backs of fifty years ago. Yellow +Books are another story. The yellow-backs may have sometimes affronted the +eye, but for the most part they were dove-like in their outlook. Now 'red +ruin and the breaking-up of laws' flaunt themselves in the soberest livery. +I do not often drop into verse, but this inversion of the old order has +suggested these lines, which you may care to print:-- + + "'In an age mid-Victorian and mellow, + Ere the current of life ran askew, + The backs of our novels were yellow, + Their hearts were of Quaker-like hue; + But now, when extravagant lovers + Their hectic emotions parade, + In sober or colourless covers + We find them arrayed.'" + +Mr. CHARLES GARVICE points out that the choice of colour in bindings calls +for especial care and caution at the present time, owing to the powerful +influence of association. Yellow might lend impetus to the Yellow Peril. +Red is especially to be avoided owing to its unfortunate appropriation by +Revolutionary propagandists. Blue, though affected by statisticians and +Government publishers, has a traditional connection with the expression of +sentiments of an antinomian and heterodox character. At all costs the +sobriety and dignity of fiction should be maintained, and sparing use +should be made of the brighter hues of the spectrum. He had forgotten a +good deal of his Latin, but there still lingered in his memory the old +warning: "_O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori_." + +Miss DAISY ASHFORD, another of our "best sellers," demurs to the view that +a gaudy or garish exterior is needed to catch the public eye. The +enlightened child-author scorned such devices. Books, like men and +women--especially women--ought not to be judged by their backs, but by +their hearts. She confessed, however, to a weakness for "jackets" as a form +of attire peculiarly consecrated to youth. + +Madame MONTESSORI cables from Rome as follows:--"The colour of book-covers +is of vital importance in education. I wish to express my strong conviction +that, where books for the young are concerned, no action should be taken by +publishers without holding an unfettered plebiscite of all children under +twelve. Also that the polychromatic series of Fairy Stories edited by the +late Mr. ANDREW LANG should be at once withdrawn from circulation, not only +because of the reckless and unscientific colour scheme adopted, but to +check the wholesale dissemination of futile fables concocted and invented +by irresponsible adults of all ages and countries." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE HOME. + + III.--THE GUEST. + + I have a friend; his name is John; + He's nothing much to dote upon, + But, on the whole, a pleasant soul + And, like myself, no paragon. + + I have a house, and, then again, + An extra room to take a guest; + And in my house I have a spouse. + It's good for me; I don't protest. + + By her is every virtue taught; + Man does as he is told, and ought; + He has to eat his own conceit, + So, "Just the place for John!" I thought. + + The unsuspecting guest arrives; + But (note the worthlessness of wives) + Does he endure the kill-or-cure + Refining process? No, he thrives. + + He's led to think that he has got + The very virtues I have not; + Her every phrase is subtle praise + And oh! how he absorbs the lot. + + She finds his wisdom full of wit + And listens to no end of it; + And if he dash tobacco-ash + On carpets doesn't mind a bit. + + All that the human frame requires, + From flattery to bedroom fires, + Is his; and I must self-deny + To satisfy his least desires. + + I have a friend; his name is John; + I tell him he is "getting on" + And "growing fat," and things like that.... + He pays no heed. He's too far gone. + + HENRY. + + * * * * * + + "PUPILS wanted for Pianoforte and Theory.--J.G. Peat, Dyer and + Cleaner."--_New Zealand Herald._ + +"That strain again! It had a dying fall."--_Twelfth Night_, Act I., Sc. 1, +4. + + * * * * * + + "The lowest grade of porter is the grade from which railway employees + in the traffic departments gravitate to higher positions."--_Daily + Paper._ + +The EINSTEIN theory is beginning to capture our journalists. + + * * * * * + + There was a Society Sinner + Who no longer was asked out to dinner; + This proof of his guilt + So caused him to wilt + That he's now emigrated to Pinner. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Post-War Sportsman._"WOT'S THE MATTER?" + +_Mrs. P.-W.S._"WHEN I WANT HIM TO JUMP THE FENCE HE JUST STOPS AND EATS IT. +WHAT AM I TO DO?" + +_P.-W.S._ "COME ALONG WI' ME, MY DEAR; I'LL SHOW YOU. 'E CAN'T EAT A +GATE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In the war-after-the-war, the bombardment of books that is now so violently +raging upon all fronts, any contribution by a writer as eminent as Lord +HALDANE naturally commands the respect due to weapons of the heaviest +calibre. Unfortunately "heavy" is here an epithet unkindly apt, since it +has to be admitted that the noble lord wields a pen rather philosophic than +popular, with the result that _Before the War_ (CASSELL) tells a story of +the highest interest in a manner that can only be called ponderous. Our +ex-War Minister is, at least chiefly, responding to the literary offensives +of BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and TIRPITZ, in connection with whose books his should +be read, if the many references are properly to be understood. As every +reader will know, however, Lord HALDANE could hardly have delivered his +apologia before the accuser without the gates and not at the same time had +an eye on the critic within. Fortunately it is here no part of a reviewer's +task to obtrude his own political theories. With regard to the chief +indictment, of having permitted the country to be taken unawares, the +author betrays his legal training by a defence which is in effect (1) that +circumstances compelled our being so taken, and that (2) we weren't. On +this and other matter, however, the individual reader, having paid his +money (7_s_. 6_d_. net), remains at liberty to take his choice. One +revelation at least emerges clearly enough from Lord HALDANE'S pages--the +danger of playing diplomat to a democracy. "Extremists, whether Chauvinist +or Pacifist, are not helpful in avoiding wars" is one of many conclusions, +double-edged perhaps, to which he is led by retrospect of his own trials. +His book, while making no concessions to the modern demand for vivacity, is +one that no student of the War and its first causes can neglect. + + * * * * * + +It is not Mr. L. COPE CORNFORD'S fault that his initials are identical with +those of the London County Council, nor do I consider it to be mine that +his rather pontifical attitude towards men and matters reminds me of that +august body. Anyone ignorant of recent inventions might be excused for +thinking that _The Paravane Adventure_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is the title +of a stirring piece of sensational fiction. But fiction it is not, though +in some of its disclosures it may be considered sensational enough. In this +history of the invention of the Paravane Mr. CORNFORD hurls a lot of +well-directed bricks at Officialdom, and concludes his book by giving us +his frank opinion of the way in which the Navy ought to be run. It is +impossible, even if one does not subscribe to all his ideas, to refrain +from commending the enthusiasm with which he writes of those who, in spite +of great difficulties, set to work to invent and perfect the Paravane. If +you don't know what a Paravane is I have neither the space nor the ability +to tell you; but Mr. CORNFORD has, and it's all in the book. + + * * * * * + +A stray paragraph in a contemporary, to the effect that the portrait of the +heroine and the story of her life in Baroness VON HUTTEN'S _Happy House_ +(HUTCHINSON) is a transcript of actual fact, saves me from the indiscretion +of declaring that I found _Mrs. Walbridge_ and her egregious husband and +the general situation at Happy House frankly incredible. Pleasantly +incredible, I should have added; and I rather liked the young man, +_Oliver_, from Fleet Street, whom the Great Man had recently made Editor of +_Sparks_ and who realised that he was destined to be a titled millionaire, +for is not that the authentic procedure? Hence his fanatical obstinacy in +wooing his, if you ask me, none too desirable bride. I hope I am not doing +the author a disservice in describing this as a thoroughly wholesome book, +well on the side of the angels. It has the air of flowing easily from a +practised pen. But nothing will induce me to believe that _Mrs. Walbridge_, +putting off her Victorian airs, did win the prize competition with a novel +in the modern manner. + + * * * * * + +Mr. ALEXANDER MACFARLAN'S new story, _The Inscrutable Lovers_ (HEINEMANN), +is not the first to have what one may call Revolutionary Ireland for its +background, but it is by all odds the most readable, possibly because it is +not in any sense a political novel. It is in characters rather than events +that the author interests himself. A highly refined, well-to-do and +extremely picturesque Irish revolutionary, whom the author not very happily +christens _Count Kettle_, has a daughter who secretly abhors romance and +the high-falutin sentimentality that he and his circle mistake for +patriotism. To her father's disgust she marries an apparently staid and +practical young Scotch ship-owner, who at heart is a confirmed romantic. +The circumstances which lead to their marriage and the subsequent events +which reveal to each the other's true temperament provide the "plot" of +_The Inscrutable Lovers_. Though slender it is original and might lend +itself either to farce or tragedy. Mr. MACFARLAN'S attitude is pleasantly +analytical. It is indeed his delightful air of remote criticism, his +restrained and epigrammatic style queerly suggestive of ROMAIN ROLAND in +_The Market Place_, and his extremely clever portraiture, rather than any +breadth or depth appertaining to the story itself, that entitle the author +to a high place among the young novelists of to-day. Mr. MACFARLAN--is he +by any chance the Rev. ALEXANDER MACFARLAN?--may and doubtless will produce +more formidable works of fiction in due course; he will scarcely write +anything smoother, more sparing of the superfluous word or that offers a +more perfect blend of sympathy and analysis. + + * * * * * + +_Susie_ (DUCKWORTH) is the story of a minx or an exposition of the eternal +feminine according to the reader's own convictions. I am not sure--and I +suppose that places me among those who regard her heroine as the mere +minx--that the Hon. Mrs. DOWDALL has done well in expending so much +cleverness in telling _Susie's_ story. Certainly those who think of +marriage as a high calling, for which the vocation is love, will be as much +annoyed with her as was her cousin _Lucy_, the idealist, at once the most +amusing and most pathetic figure in the book. I am quite sure that Susies +and Lucys both abound, and that Mrs. DOWDALL knows all about them; but I am +not equally sure that the Susies deserve the encouragement of such a +brilliant dissection. Yet the men whose happiness she played with believed +in _Susie's_ representation of herself as quite well-meaning, and other +women who saw through her liked her in spite of their annoyance; and--after +all the other things I have said--I am bound, in sincerity, to admit that I +liked her too. + + * * * * * + +You could scarcely have given a novelist a harder case than to prove the +likeableness of _Cherry Mart_, as her actions show her in _September_ +(METHUEN), and I wonder how a Victorian writer would have dealt with the +terrible chit. But FRANK SWINNERTON, of course, is able to hold these +astonishing briefs with ease. Here is a girl who first turns the head of +_Marian Forster's_ middle-aged husband in a pure fit of experimentalism, +and then sets her cap with defiant malice at the young man who seems likely +to bring real love into the elder woman's life. And yet _Marian_ grows +always fonder of her, and she, in the manner of a wayward and naughty +child, of _Marian_. Insolence and _gaucherie_ are on the one hand, coolness +and finished grace on the other, and, although there are several moments of +hatred between the two, their affection is the proper theme of the book. As +for _Nigel_, he is impetuous and handsome, and falls in love with _Marian_ +because she is sympathetic, and with _Cherry_ because she is _Cherry_, and +also perhaps a little because the War has begun and the day of youth +triumphant has arrived. But he does not make a very deep impression upon +me, and as for _Marian's_ husband, who is big and rather stupid, and always +has been, I gather, a bit of a dog, he scarcely counts at all. _Marian_, +however, is an extremely clever and intricate study, and for _Cherry_--I +don't really know whether I like _Cherry_ or not. But I have certainly met +her. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Punch has pleasure in calling attention to two small volumes, lately +issued, which reproduce matter that has appeared in his pages and therefore +does not need any further token of his approbation: to wit, _A Little Loot_ +(ALLEN AND UNWIN), by Captain E.V. KNOX ("EVOE"); and _Staff Tales_ +(CONSTABLE), by Captain W.P. LIPSCOMB, M.C. ("L."), with illustrations, now +first published, by Mr. H.M. BATEMAN. Also to _A Zoovenir_ (Dublin: The +Royal Zoological Society of Ireland), by Mr. CYRIL BRETHERTON ("ALGOL"), a +book of verses which have appeared elsewhere and are being sold for the +benefit of the Dublin Zoo. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Fool._ "GOOD MASTER CARPENTER, I AM IN GREAT NEED OF +WIT FOR TONIGHT'S FEAST. HAST THOU ANY MERRY QUIP OR QUAINT CONCEIT +WHEREWITH I MIGHT SET THE TABLE IN A ROAR?" + +_The Carpenter._ "NAY, MASTER FOOL, I HAVE BUT ONE WHICH I FASHIONED MYSELF +WITH MUCH LABOUR. IT GOETH THUS: 'WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A ----?'" + +_The Fool._" ENOUGH! THAT JOKE HATH ALREADY COST ME TWO GOOD SITUATIONS."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, January 28th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16281.txt or 16281.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/8/16281/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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