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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/16509-8.txt b/16509-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9ddea9 --- /dev/null +++ b/16509-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2179 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +February 25th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 11, 2005 [EBook #16509] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +February 25th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Another American," says a Washington despatch, "has been captured by +Mexicans and is being held to ransom." We deplore these pin-prick tactics. +If there is something about the United States that President CARRANZA wants +changed he should say so. + +* * * + +A contemporary states that the old theory, that when your ears burn it +means that people are talking about you, is accurate. Upon hearing this a +dear old lady at once commenced to crochet a set of asbestos ear-guards for +Mr. CHURCHILL. + +* * * + +The American gentleman who claims to have invented _revues_ is shortly +coming over to England for a holiday. Personally we should advise him to +wait until the crime wave has died down a bit. + +* * * + +It is pleasing to note that in spite of the recent spring-like weather the +POET LAUREATE is calmly keeping his head. + +* * * + +In their last Note to Holland on the subject of the ex-Kaiser's trial the +Allied Governments drop a hint that it was they and not Holland who won the +War. It is impossible to be too definite on this matter. + +* * * + +Cotton, it is announced, has gone up to tenpence a reel. The new American +whisky stands at the same figure. + +* * * + +"Boys sing automatically, like parrots," declares the choirmaster of St. +John's Church, Grimsby. His facts are wrong. The only thing automatic about +a parrot is its bite. + +* * * + +So thirsty were the Americans on board, it is stated, that on her homeward +trip the _Mauretania_ was drunk dry two days out. To remedy this +unsatisfactory state of affairs a syndicate of wealthy Americans is +understood to be formulating an offer to tow Ireland over to the New Jersey +coast if a liquor licence is granted to the tug. + +* * * + +There is no truth in the report that, as the result of a majority vote of +the Dublin Corporation, the sword and mace have been replaced by a pistol +and mitre. + +* * * + +We live in strenuous times. The MAD MULLAH has been reported in action and +Willesden has won the London Draughts' Tournament. + +* * * + +By the way, those who remember the MAD MULLAH'S earlier escapades are of +the opinion that it is high time for him to be killed again. + +* * * + +The HOME SECRETARY hopes to introduce an Anti-Firearms Bill. Under this Act +it is expected that it will be made illegal for criminals to shoot at +people into whose homes they break. + +* * * + +A postcard posted in 1888 has just been delivered to _The Leeds Mercury_, +and they ask if this is a record. Not a permanent one, if the Post Office +can help it. + +* * * + +A young lady told the Stratford magistrates that she gave up her young man +because he said he was a millionaire, and she had later learned that he was +a waiter. But there is nothing contradictory in this. + +* * * + +The ex-CROWN-PRINCE has written in the _Tägliche Rundschau_ on "How I Lost +the War." He pays a fine tribute to the British soldier, who, it appears, +helped him to lose it. + +* * * + +"How to Manage Twopenny Eggs" is the headline of a morning paper. A good +plan is to grip them firmly round the neck and wring it. + +* * * + +An article in _Tit-Bits_ tells readers how to make canaries pay. We have +felt for some time that there must be a better method than that of suing +the birds in the County Court. + +* * * + +"Useful wedding-presents are now the vogue," says a weekly journal. Only +last week we heard of a Scotsman who at a recent wedding gave the bride +away. + +* * * + +"The Jolly Bachelors" is the title of a new club at Nottingham. No attempt +has yet been made to start a Jolly Husbands' Club. + +* * * + +It is gratifying to learn that the workman who last week fell from some +scaffolding in Oxford Street, but managed to grasp a rope and hang on to it +till rescued fifteen minutes later, has now been elected an honorary member +of the Underground Travellers' Association. + +* * * + +A reader living in Hertfordshire writes to say that spring-like weather is +prevailing and that a pair of bricklayers who started building about three +weeks ago can now be seen daily sitting on three bricks which they laid +last week. + +* * * + +With such energy are the inhabitants of Leeds carrying out their campaign +against rats that it is considered unsafe for any rodent under three years +old to venture out alone after dark. + +* * * + +We are glad to learn that the Brixton lady who mislaid her husband last +week at one of these West-End bargain sales has now received him back from +the firm in fairly good condition. + +* * * + +During the recent spell of warm weather several wooden houses threw out new +shoots, some of which are already in bud. + +* * * + +We understand that the Government contemplate passing a Bill to forbid +silver-weddings unless a larger percentage of alloy is used with them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CRIME WAVE. + +_Crank_ (_enlarging upon pet theory_). "I TELL YOU, SIR, WE ARE ALL OF US +BOLSHEVISTS AT HEART. THE ONLY THING THAT'S KEEPING YOU AND ME FROM A LIFE +OF CRIME IS THE THOUGHT OF THE POLICEMAN ROUND THE CORNER."] + + * * * * * + + "How utterly unimpressive for ceremonial purposes is the ordinary + episcopal habit.... What dignity it ever possessed has been most + successfully shorn off by the merciless scissors of ecclesiastical + tailors. The history of the chimere and rochet has been truly tragic." + --_Church Paper._ + +Fortunately, the hat and gaiters do something to relieve the gloom. + + * * * * * + +CLOTHES AND THE POET. + + ["The public will welcome an announcement that the standard clothing + scheme may be revived on a voluntary basis."--_The Times_.] + + I do not ask for silk attire, + For purple, no, nor puce; + The only wear that I require + Is something plain and loose, + A quiet set of reach-me-downs for serviceable use. + + For these, which I must have because + The honour of the Press + Compels me, by unwritten laws, + To clothe my nakedness, + Four guineas is my limit--more or (preferably) less. + + Let others go in Harris tweeds, + Men of the leisured sort; + Mine are the modest, homely needs + That with my state comport; + I am a simple labouring man whose work is all his sport. + + I covet not the gear of those + Who neither toil nor spin; + I merely want some standard clo's + To drape my standard skin, + Wrought of material suitable for writing verses in. + + Something that won't pick up the dust + When rhymes refuse to flow; + And roomy, lest the seams be bust + Should the afflatus blow-- + Say five-and-forty round the ribs and rather more below. + + For poets they should stock a brand + To serve each type's behest-- + Pastoral, epic, lyric--and + An outer size of chest + For those whose puffy job it is to build the arduous jest. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE WOLF AND THE LAMB. + +(_An imaginary conversation._) + + [In his lecture at the Royal Institution, to which Mr. Punch recently + referred, Mr. ALFRED NOYES said that "our art and literature were + increasingly Bolshevik, and if they looked at the columns of any + newspaper they would see the unusual spectacle of the political editor + desperately fighting that which the art and literary portions of the + paper upheld."] + +SCENE.--_A Club-room near Fleet Street. The_ Political Editor _and the_ +Literary Editor _of "The Daily Crisis" are discovered seated in adjoining +armchairs_. + +_Political Editor._ Excuse me, but haven't I seen you occasionally in _The +Crisis_ office? + +_Literary Editor._ Possibly. I look after its literary pages, you know. + +_P.E._ Really? I run the political columns. Did you read my showing-up this +morning of the Bolshevik peril in the House of Lords? + +_L.E._ I'm afraid I never read the political articles. Did you notice my +two-column boom of young Applecart's latest book of poems? + +_P.E._ No time to read the literary columns, and modern poetry's as good as +Chinese to me. Who's Applecart? + +_L.E._ My dear Sir, is it possible that you are unfamiliar with the author +of _I Will Destroy_? He's the hope of the future as far as English poetry +is concerned. + +_P.E. (cheerfully)._ Never heard of him. What's he done? + +_L.E. (impressively)._ He has overthrown all the rules, not only of art, +but of morality. He has created a new Way of Life. + +_P.E._ Can't see that that's anything to shout about. What's his platform, +anyway? + +_L.E._ Platform? To anyone who has tho slightest acquaintance with +Applecart the very idea of a platform is fantastic. He doesn't stand; he +soars. + +_P.E._ Well, what are his _views_, then? Pretty tall, I suppose, if he's +such a high flier. + +_L.E._ You may well say so. In the first place he discards all the old +artistic formulæ. + +_P.E._ I know; you write a solid slab of purple prose, scissor it into a +jig-saw puzzle, serve it with a dazzle dressing and call it the New Poetry. + +_L.E._ Have your joke, if you will. But, more important still, Applecart is +a rebel against humanity and all its fetishes, social, ethical and +political. + +_P.E. (startled)._ A Bolshie, I suppose you mean? + +_L.E._ The artist is proof against all these vulgar terms of abuse, culled +from the hustings. Call him a Pussyfoot as well; you cannot shake him from +his pinnacle. + +_P.E._ Yes, but look here--he's just the sort of pernicious agitator we're +out against in _The Crisis_--at least in my department. My special article +this morning--three thickly-leaded columns--actually revealed the existence +of a most insidious plot to undermine the restraining influence of the +House of Lords by the spread of Bolshevik propaganda masquerading as +literature. You see, there's a certain section of the Lords, mainly new +creations who've only recently been released from various employments, who +now for the first time in their lives have leisure for reading; then +there's the spread of education among the sporting Peers. Well, these +people are ready to succumb to all sorts of poisonous doctrines, if they're +served up in what I presume to be the fashionable mode of the moment; and I +expect your precious Applecart is one of the Bolsh agents who are laying +the trap. You'll have to stop booming him, you know. He's not doing the +paper any good. + +_L.E._ My dear Sir, literature takes no account of the fads and fancies of +party politics. And I gather from you that party politics have no use for +literature except from a propagandist view. Let us be content to go our own +ways in peace. + +_P.E._ Yes, that's all very well for you and me, but what about the Chief? +How does he reconcile these absolutely conflicting standpoints? And what +does the public think of it all? + +_L.E. (confidentially)._ Between you and me, the Chief knows his public. +And the public knows its papers. The last thing it wants from us is +consistency, which is always boring. Besides (_still more confidentially_), +the public doesn't take us quite so seriously as we like to pretend. + +_P.E._ H'm, maybe you're right. As a matter of fact (_lowering his voice_) +I sometimes think I'm a bit of a Socialist myself. + +_L.E._ Really? As for me (_conspiratorially_), I adore TENNYSON, and EZRA +POUND fills me with a secret wrath. Still, the public-- + +_P.E._ Ah, the public--! Have a drink? + + [_They pledge each other. NOYES without. They disperse hurriedly._ + + * * * * * + + "In view of the serious shortage of female help, the United Boards of + Trade of Western Ontaria have been discussing proposals to encourage + the immigration of young women from Great Britain."--_Morning Paper_. + +And have apparently feminized the Province in advance. + + * * * * * + + "If the Archdeacon of Coventry is correct in stating, as he did in + Convocation, that the word 'tush' found in the Psalter means 'bosh,' it + must in this sense be what the classical dons call a 'hapslegomenon'." + --_Evening Standard_. + +Which, again, must be what the classical undergraduates call a "slipsus +languæ." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IRREMOVABLES. + +TURKEY (_to his old patron in Holland_). "SO, WE'RE BOTH REMAINING, WHAT?" + +VOICE FROM THE OTHER END. "YES, BUT _YOU_'VE GOT TO BEHAVE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Angry Father (of the Old School)._ "I SHALL CUT YOU OFF +WITH A SHILLING!" + +_The Prodigal._ "NOT ONE OF THE NEW NICKEL THINGS, I HOPE, FATHER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +Cecilia was knitting by the fire. + +"What on earth have you two been doing?" she asked as we came in. "John +looks as if he'd been in a boiler explosion." + +"Hardly that," I said. "We've been playing with Chris--haven't we, John?" + +John gasped. + +"No, we haven't," he said. "On the contrary, _they_ have been playing with +_me_, Cecilia." + +"Well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?" said Cecilia. "Anyhow, I heard +_you_ making a most frightful row." + +"Of course I was making a row. So would you make a row if people suddenly +mistook you for a Teddy Bear or something and started bunging you about the +room." + +"I haven't the least idea what you're talking about," said Cecilia, "but I +think you're being intensely vulgar." + +"Vulgar! 'Vulgar,' she says." He laughed bitterly. "You'd be vulgar too if +you'd had that great hulking brute" (he pointed at me) "sitting on the +small of your back, and a hooligan of a boy--" + +Cecilia sat up and took notice. + +"Hooligan!" she said, "Hooligan! Who's a Hooligan?" + +"Sh! sister," I murmured. "You'll strain the epiglottis." + +John turned on me savagely. + +"You keep quiet. It isn't your epi--epi--what you said--and, anyway, can't +I even have a quiet row with my own wife without--" + +"John, calm yourself," said Cecilia crushingly. "Alan, tell me what you've +been doing." + +"Yes," muttered John, "tell her." He subsided into an armchair. + +"Well," I said, "you see, Christopher and I were up in the nursery and +getting on quite all right when John butted in--" + +"I simply opened--" + +"John, keep quiet," said his wife. "Well, Alan?" + +"Well, the fact is, Chris and I were in the middle of a great war with all +his soldiers. I had just firmly established fire superiority and was +actually on the verge of launching a huge offensive--the one that was going +to win the war, in fact--when, as I said, in butted this great clumsy +elephant and knocked half of Christopher's army over." + +"Purely an accident," said John. + +"_Will_ you keep quiet, or must I make you?" asked Cecilia. + +"Well, of course," I went on, "finding ourselves suddenly attacked by a +common foe, Chris and I naturally joined forces to defend ourselves." + +"Defend!--" shrieked John. "No, I won't keep quiet another second. Defend! +Why, they rushed at me like a couple of wild hyenas." + +"My dear John," said Cecilia, "_you_ attacked them first, and of course +they defended themselves as best they could." + +"Precisely," I said. + +"After all, John," said Cecilia, "you ought to be glad your son is so ready +to look after himself, instead of calling him a hooligan. You're always +shouting about the noble art of self-defence." + +"Noble art of self-defence _rot_," said John. "There's nothing in the noble +art about pushing lead soldiers down a man's neck." + +"Down your neck?" said Cecilia. + +"Yes," said John. "I keep trying to tell you and you won't let me. That +brute sat on the small of my back while Christopher pushed 'em down. The +little beasts all had their bayonets fixed, too." + +Cecilia and I laughed. + +"Yes, laugh," said John bitterly. "It _is_ funny that our child should be +growing up a Bolshevist; trying to flay his own father. He'll be setting +fire to the cat in a week and then you'll have another laugh." + +"John," shrieked Cecilia, "how dare you? If you say another word about the +darling--" + +The door opened and Christopher came into the room. + +He seemed to have washed his face or something. Anyway, he looked quite a +little angel and that's hardly--however. + +"I shall tell Chris what you've been saying," said Cecilia. + +John jumped. + +"No, no, Cecilia," he said in a strangled voice. "Don't betray me. I--I'm +sorry; I withdraw everything. Cecilia, save me. Think of our courting days; +remember--" + +"Christopher," said Cecilia clearly, "you see your father? Go and pull his +last remaining hairs out." + +Christopher looked at her in amazement. Then he walked over to John, +climbed on his knee and put an arm round his neck. + +"I wouldn't hurt you, dear old Dad, would I?" he asked affectionately, +looking at his mother in pained surprise. + +John positively gasped with relief. + +"Dear old Chris," he said. + +"Oh, you hypocrite!" said Cecilia. + +"Coward!" said I. + +I was sitting on one of those dumpy hassock sort of things. John looked +down at me vindictively for a moment and then a horrid smile started +spreading about his nasty face. + +"Christopher," he said very gently, "wouldn't it be a good thing if we +pushed Uncle Alan over and knocked his slippers off, and then I'll sit on +him while you tickle his feet?" + +Now it sounds silly, but a cold prespiration came over me. Being tickled is +so hopelessly undignified. And, anyhow, I simply can't stand it on the +feet. + +"John," I said severely, "don't be absurd." + +Christopher gurgled. + +"He's afraid," he said. "Come on, Dad." + +I saw that they really meant it, and I can only suppose that I was carried +away by one of those panics that you read of as attacking the bravest at +times. Anyhow, quite suddenly I found myself moving rapidly round the +table, out of the door and up the stairs. Halfway up I stopped to listen. +Cecilia and John were laughing loudly and coarsely and Christopher was +chanting "Uncle's got the wind up" in a piercing treble. Not at all a nice +phrase for a small boy to have on his tongue. + +It was all very galling for one who has fought and, I may say, bled for his +country. I almost decided to go back and fight if necessary. Then I heard a +stage-whisper from Christopher: + +"Let's creep upstairs after him and tickle him to death. Shall we, Dad?" + +Sheer hooliganism. It was impossible to fight with honour against such +opponents. I disdained to try. I went hastily up the remaining stairs and +locked myself in my room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Straphanger (to lady who has been standing on his +toes for a considerable time)._ "PARDON ME, MADAM, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO GET +OFF HERE--THIS IS AS FAR AS I GO."] + + * * * * * + +THE INTERNATIONALIST. + +"What on earth," I said to the waiter, who was standing a few yards off, +lost in a pensive dream of his native land--Switzerland, France, Italy?-- +well, anyhow, lost in a pensive dream--"what on earth is a Petrograd +steak?" + +The white napkin whisked like the scut of a rabbit, and he bounded to my +side. "Eet is mince-up," he said melodramatically. "Ze Petrograd steak ver +good. Two minute--mince-up." + +"But isn't that a Vienna steak?" I asked. + +A spasm of pain passed over his face. "Before ze War," he whispered, "yes, +Vienna steak. Now we call it ze Petrograd. You vill have one? Yes? Two +minute." + +Memories came flooding back of that moment of crisis which had found so +many of our trusted statesmen ill-prepared, but, terrible as it was, had +not caught the managers of London restaurants napping. I remembered the +immense stores of Dutch lager beer which they had so providentially and so +patriotically held in anticipation of the hour of need. Dutch beer, both +light and dark, so that inveterate drinkers of Munich and Pilsener were +enabled to face Armageddon almost without a jerk. They had other things +ready too--Danish _pâté de fois gras_, Swiss liver sausages, Belgian +pastries and the rest. It was in that dark hour, I suppose, that the Vienna +steak set its face towards the steppes. But this was in 1914, and a good +deal had happened since then. It appeared to me that the restaurant was not +exactly _au courant_ with international complications and the gastronomic +consequences of the Peace. I felt entitled to further illumination. + +"I don't feel at all certain," I told the man, "that I ought to eat a +Petrograd steak. Is it a white steak?" + +"Ah, no, not vite, not vite at all," he assured me. "Eet is underdone--not +much, but a little underdone. Ver good mince-up." + +"I absolutely refuse to eat a Red Petrograd steak," I declared. "Have you +by any chance anything Jugo-Slavian on the menu?" + +"Zere is ze jugged hare--" + +"I think you misunderstand me," I interrupted; "this is a point of +principle with me. Supposing I consume this Czecho-Slovakian mince-up and +then have a piece of Stilton; there has been no war with Stilton, I +fancy--" + +"Ver good, ze Stilton," interjected the chorus. + +"And coffee--' + +"Turkish coffee?" he said. + +"There you go again," I grumbled. "Whatever my attitude may be towards +Vienna and Petrograd (and, mind you, I am not feeling at all bitter towards +Vienna), my relations with Turkey are most certainly strained." + +"No, not strained, ze Turkish coffee," he cried eagerly; "eet has ze +grounds." + +"So have I," I told him; "we will call it the Macedonian coffee. It is you +who insisted in obtruding these international relations on my simple lunch, +and I mean to do the thing thoroughly. Better a dish of Croat Serbs where +love is than a bifteck Petrograd--Never mind, go and get the thing." + +When he returned with it I fell to, but my thoughts remained with the +waiter. What a man! With his dispassionate judgment, his calm sane outlook +on men and affairs, shaken a little perhaps in 1914, but since then +undisturbed, was he not cut out above all others to settle the vexed +frontier lines of Europe? I wondered whether Lord ROBERT CECIL might not +possibly make use of him. I was tempted to try him still further. + +"Have you ever heard of Mr. J.M. KEYNES?" I asked him when he brought me +the Bessarabian coffee. + +"Mr. KEYNES I not know. He not come here, I zink." + +"Or the Treaty of London?" + +"I vill ask ze manager." + +"Or President WILSON?" + +A brilliant smile of illumination lit up his features. + +"American, is he not?" he said. "Ver reech, ze Americans." + +This saddened me a little. He was not then absolutely complete. There was a +faint tarnish on the lustre of his innocence. He was scarcely perhaps +suited for the League of Nations after all. Lighting an Albanian cigarette +I asked him for my bill. + + * * * * * + +THINKING ALOUD. + +LORD HALDANE _loquitur_. + + "Tired of laborious days and nights + Spent on the intellectual heights, + I long to raise and educate + The masters of the future State. + Besides, the people in the plains + Are lamentably short of brains, + And I have even more than KEYNES. + Already in _The Herald's_ page + Am I acclaimed as seer and sage; + Mine be it then to teach my neighbour + To quit the lowly rut of Labour, + And scale the heights of Pisgah, Nebo, + Or some equivalent gazebo, + For even Labour must afford + To keep one competent Law Lord." + + * * * * * + + "WAR CRIMINALS DEMAND TO BE SUSPENDED."--_Evening Paper._ + +Too good to be true. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +A YOUNG GIRL HAS THE TEMERITY TO BRING A CHAPERON TO A DANCE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"THIS IS WHERE HE SWIMS THE RAPIDS. HOW SHALL WE SEND HIM--UP OR DOWN?"] + + * * * * * + +COX AND BOX. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let us talk _Haute Finance_. In other words, let us +indulge in that good old Anglo-Saxon pastime of blackguarding COX AND CO. +It will remind us of the piping days of war. There is too much peace about, +and the gentle and ever-forgiving COX AND CO. expect their customers to be +men of force and character, showing temper from time to time. Everybody +else may be demobilised; I remain a soldier, and as such I have my special +bank. Ah, me! the battles in Charing Cross are not the easy things they +used to be. No longer, as of old, I come fresh to the attack against a mere +underling, worn down by the assaults of wave after wave of brother-officers +attacking, before me. I enter the Territorial Department alone and am taken +on by a master-hand, supported and flanked by a number of unoccupied +subordinates. About the Spring of 1925, when I expect to be the only "T" +left, I anticipate the decisive moment when I shall cross swords or swop +bombs with Sir COX himself. Having bravely encountered "AND CO." these many +years, I shall not be daunted by that gilded knight. + +The war having once put me in possession of my COX AND CO., I had very +frequent recourse to them when in need of such solace as only money can +bring. The time arrived when I applied in vain; the money had disappeared. +Though I had no reason to suspect COX AND CO. of being dishonest I noticed +a tone of assuredness and self-complacency in their letters strangely +similar to that in my own, and I _knew_ that I was being dishonest, so I +demanded to see my pass-book. It was a horrid sight, and it gave me +seriously to think. How came it that the side of the book which showed my +takings was so clear and easily to be understood, but the side which showed +their takings wrapt in mystery and hieroglyphics such as not even the +world's leading financiers and mathematicians could hope to unravel? My +subaltern, being consulted, agreed with me; I would have had him carpeted +by the C.O. at once if he hadn't. + +I stepped round to COX AND CO. and had it out with them verbally. After a +discussion lasting half-an-hour, it was shown that I had been credited with +a week's pay to which I wasn't entitled and that a month's income-tax, to +which a grasping Government _was_ entitled, had not been deducted. I left +the building ninety-three shillings worse off than I entered it. + +I gave COX AND CO. six months to go wrong in, and then called for that +pass-book again. My eye fell upon a paying and deducting and refunding and +readjusting of an item itself so shameful that it dared only appear under +its initials. Why this oscillation? I asked myself. So we engaged upon +another correspondence, and another interview took place, at which I was +supported by my subaltern (who could multiply and add), and the bank-man +was supported by a young lady (who could divide and subtract). At the end +of a passionate discussion, which lasted fifty-seven minutes (forty-five of +them being after closing time) the conclusion was arrived at that the total +was correct to a halfpenny. Even COX AND CO. themselves were a bit +surprised at that. + +Years passed, and there was no doubt about it; the money continued to +disappear. Trusting that COX AND CO. were now lulled into a feeling of +false security I tried a surprise reconnaissance. I dropped in on them +without warning and asked to see that pass-book then and there. They +searched high and low, but they couldn't find it. I, on the other hand, +found it quite easily, when I searched amongst my papers at home. To me +this proved that I was the better searcher. My subaltern, however, would +have it that the circumstances gave me no right of action against COX AND +CO. His sympathies were clearly with them, so I requested him kindly to get +on with his own work and not to interfere further in my private affairs. He +went away in a huff, got demobilised and, I have little doubt, married the +young lady who divided and subtracted and, with her, set up a bank of his +own. I devoted my young life to the search for some person, firm or +corporation, expert in pass-books, haughty of demeanour, capable of getting +blood out of a stone and not likely to give even the devil his due; I +wanted such an ally for the next assault. + +I have always remained a civilian, and as such have retained my other +banker. A man of unlimited possessions, I may state accurately that I have +to-day no fewer than two banks of my own. Let us call this other one Box +and Co. That is not the real name, but it is as far as I dare go to refer +to them, even under an assumed name. Years of stern handling by them have +taken all the spirit out of me. It is as much as I can do to screw up my +courage so far as to ask the loan of a pound or two of my own money off +them. And there have been times, in the pre-1914 past, when I have felt it +would be better to go without money than to have the stuff thrown at me, +shovelled at me in that contemptuous offhand manner. I now repaired in +person to the premises of Box and Co., with their handsome marble façade +and their costly mahogany fittings, and had a word with Mr. Box himself. A +little artful flattery, a few simple lies and just a touch of ginger in the +matter of professional competition, and Box and Co. were brought into the +war. I handed them COX AND CO.'s pass-book and told them that now was their +time to go in and win. + +I used to look in every other day to see how the struggle went. At first +Box and Co. were confident, remarking on my wisdom in placing myself (and +my pass-book) in such competent hands as theirs. But as the correspondence +went on their enthusiasm wore off; Mr. Box gave vent to observations +reflecting ill on the Army system of pay, on the Army itself, even on that +part of it which was me. Had it not been that the pride of Box and Co. was +involved, I believe they would have gone to London in a body, there to form +a lifelong friendship with COX AND CO., out of pure fellow-feeling. But I +have hinted that Box and Co. were a cold inhuman institution, whose +business in life it was to do people down, or go down itself. And so COX +AND CO. had to be for it. Eventually, in the late winter of 1919, Box and +Co. extracted from COX AND CO. the admission that a five had been mistaken +for a three, and I had been done out of twopence, an affair all the more +gross in that it had happened as long ago as the early spring of 1915, and +never a word of remorse meanwhile! A conclusion by which neither Box nor +COX was really satisfied, but which, for me, was enough. We English may +only win one battle in a war, but that battle is the last. + +Possibly, my dear Charles, you have a soft spot in your heart for this COX +AND CO., never failing in courtesy and attention and ever heaped with +abuse? So, to be frank, have I. Let us turn round and blackguard the other +fellow. The sequel is incredible. + +I next handed my Box and Co. pass-book to COX AND CO., giving them a brief +and touching _résumé_ of my sad story of wrong and oppression, and bidding +them do their damnedest in their turn. They wrote to Box and Co.: "Our +customer, your customer, we may say THE customer, Second-Lieutenant, +Brevet-Lieutenant, Temporary Captain, Acting Major, Local Colonel, Aspiring +General (entered in your books as plain Mister) Henry Neplusultra, informs +us that, though he has banked with you since the first sovereign he earned +at his baptism, he has been so frowned at and scorned as to have been +rendered morally unable to handle his current balance. He instructs us...." + +But why relate the story in all its grim horror? Enough to say that so +successfully did COX AND CO. pursue their instructions that they discovered +a credit balance in my favour of 14s. 3d.; so politely and firmly did they +conduct the correspondence that eventually Box and Co. burst into tears, +admitted the claim and, upon my calling the other day personally to receive +satisfaction, handed me the 14s. 3d. with a deferential bow. If you doubt +the truth of this statement you have only to come round to my place, where +you can see for yourself the threepence, which is still in my possession. + +Yours ever, + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fusser._ "I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW JUST HOW MUCH THIS TRAIN IS +OVERDUE." + +_Cynic._ "A WATCH AIN'T NO GOOD--WHAT YOU WANT IS A HALMANACK."] + + * * * * * + +DAY BY DAY IN THE WORLD OF CRIME. + +(_By a well-known Professor of Larceny._) + +In these days when robbery with violence is an everyday occurence, few +people will trust themselves alone in railway carriages. Imagine, +therefore, my surprise, not unmingled with pleasure, on seeing a somewhat +pompous-looking individual, with the circumference and watch-chain of the +successful merchant, sitting alone in a first-class carriage on the +suburban up-line from Wallingford. I always travel from Wallingford, as it +is the one station on the line at which you are not required to show a +ticket on entry. Accordingly I entered the old gentleman's carriage, took +his ticket, and offered him a cigarette, which he accepted. I then opened +the conversation. + +"I wonder you wear your watch-chain so prominently," I remarked, +"especially during the present vogue of crime--so tempting, you know." + +"Ah!" he said, "so you may think; but, being a bit of a criminologist, I +have arranged that as a little trap. It is my belief that the pickpocket, +foiled in one particular, never attempts to rob his victim in any other +way. Now this chain cost me precisely ninepence. It is weighted at each end +with a piece of lead, which gives an appearance of genuineness to the +watch-pocket. I am heavily armed, in case he should attempt violence." + +It was here that I removed his pocket-book and slipped it into my +great-coat. Not daring to examine it openly, I fingered it cautiously, and +felt the stiff softness of bank-notes. I was so carried away with pleasure +that I was quite surprised to hear his voice returning from a distance. + +"As for my ticket," he continued, "that is a single from Wallingford to the +next station, Sadlington; it is two years old. My season I keep inside the +lining of my hat." + +It was here that I returned the ticket to his pocket. After all, I +reflected, I could pay at the other end with a very small portion of the +contents of the pocket-book, which I reckoned must contain at least +half-a-dozen fivers. + +"By the way," he added, "I have a passion for biscuits; will you join me in +one?" and he proffered a small tin. "I eat so many of them," he said, "that +I can write all my memoranda on the slips of paper from the tins, and these +I keep in my pocket-book. My money I keep next my season." + +It was here that I returned the pocket-book. + + * * * * * + +"THE OPTIMISTIC WAITERS. + + 'SOON WE SHALL GO BARK TO OUR WORK TRIUMPHANTLY.'"--_Evening Paper._ + +We hope that in the case of certain restaurants the bark will not be so bad +as the bite. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_who has something in her eye_). "IT'S STILL VERY +SORE, MUMMY. SHALL I GARGLE IT?"] + + * * * * * + +THE DEAD TREE. + + (_Being a terrible result of reading too much poetry in the modern + manner._) + + Slushy is the highway between the unspeakable hedges; + I pause + Irresolute under a telegraph-pole, + The fourteenth telegraph-pole on the way + From Shere to Havering, + The twenty-first + From Havering to Shere. + + Crimson is the western sky; upright it stands, + The solitary pole, + Sombre and terrible, + Splitting the dying sun + Into two semi-circular halves. + I do not think I have seen, not even in Vorticist pictures, + Anything so solitary, + So absolutely nude; + Yet this was an item once in the uninteresting forest, + With branches sticking out of it, and crude green leaves + And resinous sap, + And underneath it a litter of pine spindles + And ants; + Birds fretted in the boughs and bees were busy in it, + Squirrels ran noisily up it; + Now it is naked and dead, + Delightfully naked + And beautifully dead. + + Delightfully and beautifully, for across it melodiously, + Stirred by the evening wind, + The wires where electric messages are continually being despatched + Between various post-offices, + Messages of business and messages of love, + Rates of advertisements and all the winners, + Are vibrating and thrumming + Like a thousand lutes. + + Is the old grey heart of the telegraph pole stirred by these messages? + I fancy not. + Yet it all seems very strange; + And even stranger still, now that I notice it, + Is the fact that the thing is after all not absolutely naked, + For a short way up it, half obliterated with age, + Discoloured and torn, + Fastened on by tintacks, + There is a paper _affiche_ + Relating to swine fever. + + The sun sinks lower and I pass on, + On to the fifteenth pole from Shere to Havering, + And the twentieth + From Havering to Shere; + It is even more naked and desolate than the last. + I pause (as before).... + + [_Author._ We can start all over again now if you like. _Editor._ I + don't like.] + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +"HOPS. + + CANTERBURY, Saturday.--Trade was quiet, with prices steady, as follows: + --Kent mixed fleeces, 36d; lambs' wool, 22d to 24d; downs, 41d to 42d; + and half-bred fleeces, 38d to 39d per lb."--_Financial Paper._ + +This may help to explain the taste of "Government ale." + + * * * * * + + "By systematic and scientific training is it possible to produce that + perfect type of manhood gifted with the best powers of what we are wont + to call the 'lower orders of creation'--keen sighted and swift of + motion as a bird, sharp-scented as a greyhound, faithful and acute as a + dog, and full of sentient wisdom as an elephant."--_Daily Paper._ + +We are doubtful about the rest, but the greyhound part should be quite +easy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL EURYTHYMICS. + +AN ALLIED _PAS DE TROIS_ AND AN "ASSOCIATED" _PAS SEUL_.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Ko-ko_ (_Sir GORDON HEWART_). "PARDON ME, BUT THERE I AM +ADAMANT."] + +_Monday, February 16th._--The great AUCKLAND still reposes a touching faith +in the Profiteering Act. In his opinion it "has had a stabilising effect on +the price of clothing;" by which he means, I suppose, that West-End tailors +long ago nailed their high prices to the mast-head. + +In commending the Bill for the continuance of D.O.R.A., a _remanet_ from +last Session, the ATTORNEY-GENERAL was almost apologetic. He laid much +stress upon the "modest and attenuated form" which the measure now +presented, and the short time it was to remain in force. Serious objection +was taken by the Irish Members to the provision that in districts where a +proclamation is in force the D.O.R.A. regulations, instead of coming to an +end on August 31st, will continue for a year after the end of the War. This +they naturally interpreted as a means of continuing the military government +of Ireland, a country in which, according to Mr. DEVLIN, the Government had +as much right as the Germans in Belgium. The House, however, seemed to +agree with the Irish Attorney-General that in the present state of Ireland +it would not be wise to dispense with the regulations, and gave the Bill a +second reading by 219 votes to 61. + +Then the House turned to the discussion of the levy on capital. The +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was still inexorably opposed to a general levy, +but would like a toll on war-wealth alone, and proposed to set up a +Committee to consider whether it was practicable. Mr. ADAMSON frankly +declared that the Labour Party was in favour of a capital levy, but wanted +to get at the war-profits first. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN objected to widening the +scope of the inquiry on the ground that it would take too long, and also +that uncertainty would promote extravagance and discourage saving. And, +despite Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY'S naïve suggestion that we should +restore credit by making a bonfire of paper-money--he did not say +whose--the House agreed with the CHANCELLOR. + +[Illustration: COLONEL AMERY CRUSOE RETURNS FROM A SUCCESSFUL DAY WITH HIS +MAN FRIDAY.] + +_Tuesday, February 17th._--The Acting Colonial Secretary bubbled over with +delight as he described the success of the operations against the +Somaliland dervishes. The principal credit was due to the Royal Air Force, +but the native levies had also done their part effectively. The only fly in +Colonel AMERY'S ointment was the escape of that evasive gentleman, the +MULLAH, to whom he was careful on this occasion not to apply the epithet +"Mad." As, however, the MULLAH has lost all his forces, all his stock and +all his belongings, it is hoped that it will be at any rate some time +before he pops up again. + +The Coal Mines Bill was wisely entrusted to Mr. BRIDGEMAN. Lord SPENCER +once delighted the House of Commons by announcing that he was "not an +agricultural labourer"; and Mr. BRIDGEMAN similarly put it in a good temper +by admitting that he had never himself worked in a mine. But he showed +quite a sufficient acquaintance with his subject, and succeeded in +dispelling some of the fog that enshrouds the figures of coal-finance. The +miners, of course, objected to the Bill on the ground that it was not +nationalisation, but were left in a very small minority. + +A Private Members' debate on the Housing Problem occupied the evening. +There was much friendly criticism of the MINISTER OF HEALTH, for whom Major +LLOYD GREAME suggested a motto from the _Koran_:-- + + "This life is but a bridge; + Let no man build his house upon it." + +But the lapse of time is gradually bringing performance nearer to promise, +and Dr. ADDISON was able to announce that over one hundred thousand houses +were now "in the tender stage." Let us hope no bitter blast will nip them +in the bud. + +_Wednesday, February 18th._--The Lords returned to work after their week's +holiday in a rather gloomy mood. By some occult process of reasoning Lord +PARMOOR has convinced himself that the distress in Central Europe is +largely the fault of the Peace Conference. He was supported by Lord BRYCE, +who declared that the "Big Four" approached the business of Treaty-making +in a German rather than an English spirit (which sounds as if he thought +they never meant to keep it), and by Lord HALDANE, who, _more suo_, accused +the negotiators of having shown "no adequate prevision." Lord CRAWFORD +dealt pretty faithfully with the cavillers and pointed out that this +country had already spent twelve millions on relieving European distress, +and was prepared to spend nearly as much again when the United States was +ready to co-operate; but at present, he reminded them, that country was +still in a state of war with Germany. + +The one bright spot of the sitting was Lord HYLTON'S statement that the +National Debt, which was within a fraction of eight thousand millions on +December 31st, had since been reduced by eighty-five millions. The pace is +too good to last, but it is something to have made a start. + +For nearly four years we have been anxiously waiting to know what really +did happen at the battle of Jutland. The voluminous efforts of Admirals and +journalists have failed to clear up the mystery, and even Commander CARLYON +BELLAIRS has not satisfied everybody so completely as himself that his +recent work reveals the truth. But now the official history is on the eve +of publication and Mr. LONG no longer feels it necessary to keep the +secret. Here it is in his own words: "The _moral_ of the German fleet was +very seriously shaken." What a relief! + +It seems that the Turks were informed in advance of the intention of the +Peace Conference to let them stay at Constantinople in the hope that they +would forthwith abandon their sanguinary habits. Instead of which they +appear to have said to themselves, "What a jolly day! Let us go out and +kill something--Armenians for choice." So now a further message has been +sent to them to the effect that the new title to the old tenement is not +absolute but conditional, and that one of the covenants forbids its use as +a slaughterhouse. + +[Illustration: TAKING THE OFFERTORY. + +_MR. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN_ (_as Sidesman_). "THE THREEPENNY-BIT IS +ECONOMICAL, PERHAPS; BUT A DESIRABLE COIN, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, IT IS +NOT."] + +A modest little Bill empowering the Mint to manufacture coins worth +something less than their weight in silver aroused the wrath of Professor +OMAN. The last time, according to his account, that the coinage was thus +debased was in the days of HENRY VIII., whose views both on money and +matrimony were notoriously lax. Other Members were friendly to the project, +and Mr. DENNIS HERBERT, in the avowed interest of churchwardens, urged the +Government to seize the opportunity to abolish the threepeeny-bit, the +irreducible minimum of "respectable" almsgiving. The CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER, however, stoutly championed the elusive little coin, for which +he declared there was "an immense demand." + +On Captain HAMBRO'S motion deploring the action of certain trade-unions in +refusing to admit ex-Service men to their ranks the Labour Party heard some +very straight talking. The whips of Lady BONHAM-CARTER at Paisley were +nothing to the scorpions of ex-Private HOPKINSON, who has actually been +fined at the instance of the trade-unions because he insisted upon +employing some of his old comrades-in-arms. + +Mr. SEXTON'S rather maladroit attempt to shift the blame on to the +employers only deepened the impression that trade-unionism is developing +into a system of caste, in which certain occupations are reserved for +certain people. Only an elect bricklayer, for example, may lay bricks-- +though anybody can heave them--and the mere fact that a man has shouldered +a rifle in the service of his country in no way entitles him to carry a +hod. + +_Thursday, February 19th._--The impending advent of a Home Rule Bill is +greatly perturbing the little remnant of Irish Nationalist Members, +threatened with the extinction of their pet grievance. Although but seven +in number they made almost noise enough for seventy. Question-time was +punctuated with their plaints. The CHIEF SECRETARY did his best to soothe +them, but his remark that "no man in Ireland need be in prison if he will +obey the law" poured oil on the flames. + +Despite the reduction of the Question-ration from eight to four per Member, +the House collectively grows "curiouser and curiouser." This is partly due +to the popularity of PREMIER-baiting, now to be enjoyed on Mondays and +Thursdays. In future, Members are to be further restricted to three +Questions _per diem_; but no substantial relief is to be hoped for until +the House sets up its own censorship, with power to expunge all Questions +that are trivial, personal or put for purposes of self-advertisement. Not +many--a dozen or two daily, perhaps--would survive the scrutiny. + + * * * * * + +A NEW ISLE OF THE BLEST. + + (_The "Cubanisation" of Ireland, suggested by Mr. DE VALERA, is being + seriously discussed in Sinn Fein circles._) + + When Ireland is treated like Cuba, + As great DE VALERA suggests, + And the pestilent loyalist Pooh-Bah + No longer our island infests, + The Pearl that adorns the Antilles + We'll speedily duplicate here, + From the Lough in the North, that is Swilly's, + Right down to Cape Clear. + + The militant minstrels of Tara + Will change their war-harps for guitars; + And Clare, to be called Santa Clara, + Will grow the most splendid cigars; + On the banks of the Bann the banana + Will yield us its succulent fruit, + And the pig with the gentle iguana + Together will root. + + Our poets, both major and minor, + Will work the new Manganese vein, + And turn out a product diviner + Than even the Cubans obtain; + Limerigo, Galvejo, Doblino-- + How lovely and noble they sound! + And think of Don José Devlino + Cavorting around! + + We'll borrow a leaf from Havana; + We'll cultivate yuccas and yams; + The Curragh shall be our savannah, + Swept clear of all soldiers and shams; + And then to the cry of "Majuba" + We'll shatter the enemy's yoke, + When Ireland is governed like Cuba + And grows her own smoke. + + * * * * * + +DEAD SEA FRUIT. + +To-day the telephone has been installed. The members of our staff are going +about their duties in a dazed fashion, and I, to whose single-handed +tenacity the achievement is due, find myself unable in these first full +moments of triumph to concentrate on my every-day affairs. + +I can still remember that fresh summer morning when with springy step I set +out to call upon the District Contract Agent for the first time. Innocently +enough I expected to arrange for the installation of a telephone within the +next two or three days. But I recollect that as I ascended the steps of his +premises I became depressed by that House of Usher foreboding, and then, +when I witnessed the way in which an imperturbable official discomfited a +tempestuous gentleman who was giving tongue to a long list of his wrongs, +my carefully rehearsed and resolute address shrivelled on my lips and I +found myself asking tamely for a form. + +This form, _plus_ the information that telephones were more speedily +installed where ex-Service men were employed, was the net result of my +first encounter. + +And now, as I turn in reminiscent mood to a dusty file, I pause before one +of my early letters to the District Contract Agent: "... If you saw our +staff, who are without exception ex-soldiers, you would say at once that +they are a remarkably fine body of men and deserving of a telephone. They +mark their possessions with their initials in indelible pencil. Between +them they have seen service on every front, from Mespot to Ireland. Some +have been mentioned in despatches, many have figured in Cox's Book of +Martyrs, and our cashier _says_ that he once opened a tin of bully with the +key provided for that purpose. One of our juniors, Major Bays Waller, +O.B.E., who came to us from a Control Office and who advises us on our +filing, says that it is like coming from a home to a home. You must come +round and have a chat with him; you would have _so_ much in common. + +"Trusting that you will expedite the little matter of our telephone +installation, and assuring you that the spirit of our staff continues to be +excellent, etc...." + +Although this letter was signed "Henry Thomas, James & Sons," the District +Contract Agent's vague reply on the file before me commences: "Sir (or +Madam);" and I feel now, as I did then, that it is not in the best of taste +for him to brag as he does about his telephone and his "Private Branch +Exchange" on the very paper on which he writes to baffled applicants for +installation. + +From this time the correspondence is marked by an increasing bitterness on +my side and a level colourlessness on his. Only once did he assume the +offensive, which took the shape of a demand for four pounds for possible +services to be rendered at some period in the future. At Yuletide I hoped +that "during this season of goodwill he would see his way to give +instructions for the installation of our telephone," and in the New Year I +played once more the ex-Service employees' card:--"... Whatever views you +may hold on the policy of the withdrawal of British troops from Russia, we +are convinced that you will sympathise with our desire to extend a hearty +welcome to a member of our staff on his return to this office from +Murmansk; and we feel that, since he served with the R.E. Signals, it would +be a graceful compliment to him if we had the telephone installed. We +therefore cordially invite your co-operation so that this may take place +before his arrival.... The idea of installing a telephone in this office is +not in itself a novel one, as you may recollect that the suggestion has +cropped up in the correspondence that has passed between us...." + + * * * * * + +And now, as I have said, the telephone is installed. The instrument is +fashioned in a severe style (receiver and mouth-piece mounted on an ebonite +column of the Roman Doric Order), and it stands for all to see as a symbol +that in the seclusion of our offices we are in touch with the world at +large. But as a symbol only it must remain, for the voices of the outer +world that call us up as they search for other friends or obstruct us when +we in turn are, as it were, groping after ours, have already frayed the +temper of our staff. It was inevitable that under such constant irritation +these ex-Service men of ours would one day burst into strong military +idiom, so we have disconnected our telephone in order to avoid the calamity +of losing our lady-typist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST. + +_Scene._--RUNNYMEDE, 1215.] + + * * * * * + + "Man Wanted to lift 1,200 square yards of Turf at once--_Provincial + Paper._ + +Before applying for the job our young friend Foozle would like to know +whether he will be required to replace the divot. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"JUST LIKE JUDY." + +If the author of _Just Like Judy_ will look into that commodious classic, +_Mrs. Beeton's Cookery Book_, he will find a formula for light pastry. And +if he will proceed to the (for him) enlivening adventure of essaying a +tartlet, he will find that most fatal among a host of fatal errors will be +any failure to preserve the due proportion of ingredients. I do not suggest +that there is as rigid a formula for light comedy. But certainly Mr. DENNY +threw in too many unnecessary mystifications and crude explanations in +proportion to the wit, wisdom and lively incident of his confection. In +particular he was constantly making some of his characters tell the others +what we of the audience either already knew or quite easily guessed. To +exhaust my tedious-homely metaphor, if you put in a double measure of water +the mixture will refuse to rise. And that I imagine is essentially what +happened to _Just Like Judy_. + +Irish _Judy_, a charmingly pretty busybody, outwardly just like Miss IRIS +HOEY, comes to _Peter Keppel's_ studio and hears that this casual youth has +got into a deplorable habit of putting off his marriage with her friend +_Milly_. She (_Judy_) will see to that! She assumes the _rôle_ of a +notorious Chelsea model, whom proper _Peter_ has never seen. _Peter_ knocks +his head on the mantelpiece, just where a shrapnel splinter had hit him, +and is persuaded that she, _Judy McCarthy_, affecting to be _Trixie +O'Farrel_, is his wife. It all seems very horrible to him, but, shell-shock +or no shell-shock, he sets to work to paint her portrait in a business-like +way, and at the end of four hours it doesn't seem at all horrible. And by +the time it is explained that it was all a joke (some people do have such a +nice sense of humour) he is all for rushing off to the registry-office, +_Judy_ agreeing. + +Not that _Judy_ is a minx. She did her level best to make two people who +obviously didn't love one another fulfil their engagement, instead of, like +a sensible woman, accepting the inevitable, which was, as it happens, so +congenial to her. What puzzled me was _Peter's_ indignation with poor +_Milly_ when he found that she really didn't love him (but, on the +contrary, a bounder called _Crauford_), yet couldn't bear to cause him +unhappiness, and was sacrificing herself for him. As that was his attitude +precisely, I suppose he felt annoyed by this lack of originality. If we men +are like that, it wasn't nice of Mr. DENNY to give us away. + +At any rate I am sure Mr. DONALD CALTHROP didn't believe in _Peter_ all the +time. When he did he was very good indeed. When he didn't he was horrid. +Did Miss IRIS HOEY believe in _Judy_? I am not so sure. I suspect not. Did +I believe in either? I did not. + +I was a little surprised that Miss JOAN VIVIAN-REES should so overplay her +_Trixie_. Her work is certainly in general not like that, and I conjecture +the influence of some baleful autocrat of a producer. It seemed to me that +Miss MILDRED EVELYN'S _Milly_ was, all things considered, a capable and +consistent study of a desperately unsympathetic character, a more difficult +and creditable feat than is commonly supposed. + +T. + +"WILD GEESE." + +[Illustration: _Mr. JACK BUCHANAN_ (_Hon. Bill Malcolm_). "WHAT'S THE IDEA? +ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER?" + +_Miss PHYLLIS MONKMAN_ (_Violet Braid_). "NO. I JUST KEEP ON DOING THIS FOR +THE LOOK OF THE THING."] + +I should hesitate to accuse Mr. RONALD JEANS of originality in the design +of his musical trifle at the Comedy. The idea of a company of women that +bans the society of men is at least as old as the Attic stage. But it is to +his credit that though the theme invited suggestiveness he at least avoided +the licence of _The Lysistrata_. Indeed there were moments when his +restraint filled me with respectful wonder. Thus, though the Pacific Island +to which the Junior Jumper Club retired--with no male attendant but the +Club porter--clearly indicated a bathing scene, yet we had to be satisfied +with an occasional glimpse of an exiguous _maillot_ with nobody inside it. + +In fact, the fun throughout had a note of reserve and was never boisterous. +Mr. JACK BUCHANAN'S quiet methods in the part of the _Hon. Bill Malcolm_, +universal philanderer, lent themselves to this quality of understatement. +In a scene where he tried to extricate himself from a number of coincident +entanglements with various members of the Club he was quite amusing without +the aid of italics. Mr. GILBERT CHILDS, again, as _Weekes_--Club porter and +_Admirable Crichton_ of the island--though a little broader in his style, +was too clever to force the fun. + +The other sex, as was natural with women who affected a serious purpose, +had fewer chances, and Miss PHYLLIS MONKMAN spoilt hers by a bad trick of +hunching her shoulders and waggling her arms as if she were out for a +cake-walk on Montmartre. + +There were touches of humour in Mr. CUVILLIER'S tuneful music and in the +limited movements of the best-looking chorus that I have seen for a long +time. + +As for the plot, it had at least the merit of continuity and conformed to +the logic, seldom too severe, of this kind of entertainment, as distinct +from the so-called _revue_. Nearly everything was well within my +intelligence, the chief exception being the title; for never surely did a +wild-goose chase offer such easy sport. The birds were just asking to be +put into the bag. I should myself have preferred, out of compliment to the +chorus, to call the play "Wild Ducks," only, of course, IBSEN had been +there before. Not that this would have greatly troubled an author who +showed so little regard for the proprietary rights of ARISTOPHANES and Sir +JAMES BARRIE. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +WITCHES. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "'tis born in 'em maybe, + The same as fits an' freckles an' follerin' the sea, + An' ginger hair in some folks--an' likin' beer in me. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "an' powerful strong ones too; + They'll whistle a wind from nowhere an' a storm out o' the blue + 'Ud sink this here old hooker an' all her bloomin' crew. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, rubbing his hairy chin, + "An' some counts witchcraft bunkum, an' some a deadly sin, + But--there ain't no harm as I see in standing well with a Finn." + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +OUR CYNICAL PRESS. + + "Mr. ----, M.P., is leaving home for a fortnight's rest."--_Scotch + Paper._ + + * * * * * + +PROTECTION FROM BURGLARS. + +FOR IDEAL AND OTHER HOMES. + +[Illustration: HAVING SEEN THAT THE FRONT-DOOR BURGLAR ALARM-GONG IS IN +WORKING ORDER-- + +AND THE PASSAGE SPRING-TRAP ADJUSTED TO A NICETY-- + +AND THE PATENT PROTECTIVE STAIR-CREAK RECORDER IS SET TO THE RIGHT KEY-- + +AND YOUR SYNCHRONISED WINDOW-CATCH WARNING SYSTEM GEARED PROPERLY-- + +YOU CAN JUST GIVE A LOOK AT THE MECHANISM CONTROLLING THE BURGLAR +CHLOROFORM SHOWER-- + +ARRANGE YOUR BARBED-WIRE-ENTANGLEMENT RUG-- + +RUN THROUGH YOUR JIU-JITSU EXERCISES ACCORDING TO CHART-- + +FIX YOUR INTERIOR BEDROOM-DOOR DEFENCES-- + +AND GO TO BED.] + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRIGIBLE. + + Ernest was a sprightly youth + With a passion for the truth, + Who, the other day, began + His career as midshipman. + 'Twas not in the least degree + Vulgar curiosity + Urging him to ask the reason + Why, both in and out of season; + 'Twas but keenness; all he lacked + Was a saving sense of tact. + + Once the Lieut. of Ernie's watch, + Dour, meticulous and Scotch, + Thought he'd show the timid snotty + (Newly joined) exactly what he + Wanted when inspecting men. + Closely Ernest watched, and then + Said, saluting, "Sir, I note + Several creases in your coat, + And I see upon your trouser + Signs of paint-work; yet just now, Sir, + Did you not think fit to blame + One poor man who had the same?" + + Ere that outraged Lieut. replied + Suddenly our hero spied + Coming aft, his labours done, + Our benignant Number One + (_Most_ abstemious is he, + And, in fact, a strict T.T., + But--it shows how Fate can blunder-- + No one could be rubicunder. + Ernest, after one swift glance, + Said, "Excuse my ignorance, + But, Sir, can you tell me why + You are always red, while I, + Even when I drink a lot, + Only flush if I am hot?" + + Just as Number One grew pale + And collapsed against the rail, + Striving grimly not to choke, + Ernest heard the busy Bloke + Calling loudly, "Let her go!" + To a seaman down below; + "Fool! the cutter's bound to ram you, + Push the pinnace forrard, damn you!" + Ernest shook his youthful head + And he very gently said + Into his Commander's ear, + "You forget yourself, I fear. + May I ask what you would do + If I used that word to _you_? + Is it worthy, Sir, of an + Officer and gentleman?" + + Aft ran little Ernest, only + Pausing when he saw a lonely + Figure bright with golden lace + Who appeared to own the place. + "Ah!" thought Ernie, "I know you; + You're the luckless Captain who + (Though you hadn't then a beard) + Most unwillingly appeared + But a year ago or less + In the Illustrated Press." + "Tell me, Sir," the youngster cried, + Crossing to the Captain's side + Of the sacred quarterdeck-- + "How did you contrive the wreck + Of the cruiser you commanded + When she bumped the beach and stranded?" + + You may say, "He is so brave he + Ought some day to rule the Navy." + Certainly he _ought_, but still + I'm afraid he never will; + For they talked to him so gruffly + And they handled him so roughly + That, when he was fit to drop + And the kindly Bloke said, "Stop! + Or you'll make him even madder; + He is wiser now and sadder," + Ernest simply answered, "Ay, Sir, + You have _made_ me sad; but why, Sir?" + + * * * * * + +ÆQUAM MEMENTO. + +"I wonder," said Mary for the third time, "if we shall catch the tram at +the other end." + +"Calmness," I told her--this for the second time--"is the essence of +comfortable travel. Meeting trouble half-way--" + +"It isn't half-way," she said indignantly. "We're nearly there." + +We were on a bus whose "route" terminated some five miles from home, which +we proposed to reach by a tram, and, the hour being late, it was our +chances of catching a car that were worrying Mary. + +"Never get flurried," I went on. "If people would only go ahead calmly and +steadily.... What causes half our traffic congestion? Flurry. What makes it +so difficult to move quickly in the streets? Flurry. What is it clogs the +wheels of progress everywhere?" + +"Don't tell me," she implored. "Let me guess. Flurry." + +"Exactly," I said, and at this point we reached our terminus. Two trams +were waiting, one behind the other, some thirty yards away, and, as we +descended the steps of the bus, the bell of the first one rang warningly. +Mary would have started running, but I detained her. + +"Flurrying again," I said indulgently. "Here are two trams, but of course +you must have the first one, however full it is," and I led her towards the +second. As I expected, it was quite empty, and I was still using it to +point my moral when its conductor began juggling with the pole. It was then +that I realised that, though on the down lines, this car was going no +further. It was, in fact, turning round for its journey back to London, +while in the distance the rear lights of our last down tram seemed to wink +a derisive farewell. + +There was nothing for it but to go ahead calmly and steadily, and we did +so. It was somewhere about the end of the fourth mile that Mary asked +suddenly:-- + +"What was it you said clogged the wheels of progress everywhere?" + +"Flurry," I said feebly. + +"Well, _I_ think it's blisters," she said. + + * * * * * + +FILM NOTES. + +Those who are still inclined to question whether the cinema is to be +regarded as a serious force in the realm of Art should not only read the +frequent contributions to _The Times_ and other newspapers on this +department of the drama, but should bear in mind that quite recently it has +been stated that both the Rev. SILAS K. HOCKING and Mr. JACK DEMPSEY have +taken part in photo-plays. It cannot be doubted that the peculiar talent +required for making the heart of the people throb is being revealed in the +most unlikely places. + + * * * * * + +If proof were needed that the art of the film is a dangerous rival to that +of the stage, we would point to the five-reel drama, _The Call of the +Thug_, of which a private trade view was given last week. Miss Flora +Poudray, who is here featured--her name is new to us--proves to be a screen +actress of superb gifts. We have seen nothing quite so subtly perfect as +her gesture of dissent when the villain proposes that he and she together +should strangle the infant heir to the millionaire woollen merchant on the +raft during the thunder-storm. Patrons of the cinema will do well to look +out for this delicate yet moving passage. The film will be released as +early as November, 1921. + + * * * * * + + "MR. BALFOUR ON OUR WAR CRIMINALS LIST."--_Daily Paper._ + +We simply can't believe it. + + * * * * * + + "The amount of coal available for home consumption last year was 4,385 + tons per head of the population."--_Evening Paper._ + +Then somebody else must have collared our share. + + * * * * * + +"LIVE STOCK AND PETS. + + GENERAL, family 2; liberal wages and outings."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +The difficulty with "pets" of this kind is that they are hard to get and +almost impossible to keep. + + * * * * * + + "An Englishman usually finds it about as difficult to produce an R from + his thoat as to produce a rabbit from a top-hat--both feats require + practice."--_Provincial Paper._ + +In this case we fear it can't be done, even with practice. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Mrs. P.-W.S._ (_to P.-W.S., who has been pulled off at a gate, +consolingly_). "NEVER MIND, HENRY; THE HUNTING SEASON IS NEARLY OVER, AND +YOU HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE DONE YOUR DUTY IN THE +STATION TO WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The publishers of _Peter Jackson: Cigar Merchant_ (HUTCHINSON) seem in +their announcements to be desperately afraid lest anyone should guess it to +be a War book. It is, they suggest, the story of the flowering of perfect +love between two married folk who had drifted apart. It is really an +admirable epitome of the War as seen through one pair of eyes and one +particular temperament. I don't recall another War novel that is so +convincing. The almost incredible confusions of the early days of the +making of K.'s army; the gradual shaping of the great instrument; the +comradeship of fine spirits and the intrigues of meaner; leadership good +and less good; action with its energy, glory and horror; reaction (with +incidentally a most moving analysis of the agonies of shell-shock and +protracted neurasthenia) after the long strain of campaigning--all this is +brought before you in the most vivid manner. Mr. GILBERT FRANKAU writes +with a fierce sincerity and with perhaps the defects of that sincerity--a +bitterness against the non-combatant which was not usual in the fighting- +man, at least when he was fighting; or perhaps it was only that they were +too kind then to say so. Also as "one of us" he is a little overwhelmed by +the sterling qualities of the rank-and-file--qualities which ought, he +would be inclined to assume, to be the exclusive product of public-school +playing-fields. I haven't said that _Peter Jackson_ gave up cigars and +cigarettes for the sword, and beat that into a plough-share for a +small-holding when the War was done. A jolly interesting book. + + * * * * * + +I found the arrangement of _The Clintons and Others_ (COLLINS) at first a +little confusing, because Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, instead of keeping his +_Clinton_ tales consecutive, has mixed them democratically with the +_Others_. Our first sight of the family (and incidentally the most +agreeable thing in the volume) is provided by "Kencote," a brightly- +coloured and engaging anecdote of Regency times, and of the plucking of an +honoured house from the ambiguous patronage of the First Gentleman in +Europe. I found this delightful, spirited, picturesque and original. Thence +we pass to the _Others_, to the theme (old, but given here with a pleasant +freshness of circumstance) of maternal craft in averting a threatened +mésalliance, to a study of architecture in its effect upon character, to a +girls' school tale; finally to the portrait of a modern _Squire Clinton_, +struggling to adjust his mind to the complexities of the War. This last, a +character-study of very moving and sympathetic realism, suffers a little +from a defect inherent in one of Mr. MARSHALL'S best qualities, his gift +for absolutely natural dialogue. The danger of this is that, as here in the +bedroom chatter of the Squire's daughters, his folk are apt to repeat +themselves, as talk does in nature, but should not (I suppose) in art. +Still this is a small defect in a book that is sincere in quality and +convincingly human in effect. _The Clintons and Others_ is certainly miles +away from the collections of reprinted pot-boilers that at one time brought +books of short stories into poor repute. Mr. MARSHALL and Others (a select +band) will rapidly correct this by giving us in small compass work equal to +their own best. + + * * * * * + +_Shuttered Doors_ (LANE) is what you might call a third-and-fourth- +generation story--one of those books, so rightly devastating to the +skipper, in which the accidental turning of two pages together is quite +liable to involve you with the great-grandchildren of the couple whose +courtship you have been perusing. Observe that I was careful to say the +"accidental" turning, though I can picture a type of reader who might soon +be fluttering the pages of _Shuttered Doors_ in impatient handfuls. The +fact is that Mrs. WILLIAM HICKS BEACH has here written what is less a novel +than a treatise, tasteful, informed and sympathetic, on county life and +manners and houses. The last of these themes especially has an undisguised +fascination for her. When _Aletta_, the chief heroine, was left pots of +money by a Dutch uncle (who was so far from filling his proverbial _rôle_ +that he hardly talked at all) she spent it and her enthusiasm, indeed her +existence, in restoring two variously dilapidated mansions--Graythorpes, +her husband's home, and Doller Place, left her by an appreciative aunt. +When not thus employed she would be reading a paper on Homes (given here +_in extenso_), or comparing those of other persons with her own. I don't +want you to get the impression that _Shuttered Doors_ is precisely arid; it +is too full of ideas and vitalities for that; but it does undoubtedly +demand a special kind of reader. Incidentally, Mrs. HICKS BEACH should +revise her chronology. For _Aletta_, who was married at twenty-eight and +died at sixty-two, to have had at that time a grandson on the staff of the +Viceroy of India, he must have received his appointment before the age of +fifteen--which even in these experimental days sounds a little premature. + + * * * * * + +Do not allow yourself to be misled by the fact that the portrait on the +paper cover of _Maureen_ (JENKINS) does, I admit, remarkably suggest a lady +whose mission in life is the advertisement of complexion soap. You probably +know already that the methods of Mr. PATRICK MACGILL are made of sterner +stuff. This "Story of Donegal," which I have no intention of giving in +detail, is the history of the course of true love in an Irish village, full +of types which, I dare say, are realistically observed; verbose in places +to an almost infuriating degree (not till page 61 does the heroine so much +as put her nose round the scenery), but working up to a climax of +considerable power. _Maureen_, I need hardly say, was as fair as moonrise, +but suffered from the drawback of an irregular origin, which took the poor +girl a great deal of living down. Nor need I specify the fact that most of +the male characters in the district are soon claimants for her hand. Really +this is the plot. Having betrayed so much, however, nothing shall persuade +me to expose the bogie scenes on the midnight moor, where the villain +combines his illicit whiskey manufacture with his courtship, and where +finally the three protagonists come by a startling finish. _Maureen_ is not +a story that I should recommend save for readers with abundant leisure; but +those whose pluck and endurance carry them to the kill will certainly have +their reward. + + * * * * * + +In _Memories of a Marine_ (MURRAY) Major-General Sir GEORGE ASTON records +for us, cosily and anecdotally, a life spent in service, not only of the +active kind--in Egypt and South Africa--but also as a Staff College +Professor, and, more intriguingly, as an expert in Secret Intelligence in +the cloisters of Whitehall or up and down the Mediterranean. If his book is +not so sensational in the matter of revelations as the current fashion +requires, it has a restful interest all its own, varied here and there with +some very attractive stories. To give just one example, the author, when +setting out to co-ordinate the work of various authorities in a certain +harbour, found a signal buoy, a torpedo station, a fixed mine and a boom, +each under separate control, all included in the defences. But the torpedo +could not be launched unless the buoy were first cleared away, and the +mine, if fired, would blow up the boom. One would have welcomed more of +this sort of thing, for the truth is that even restfulness may be overdone +and discretion become almost too admirable. Occasionally too the writer +enlarges a little on--well, he enlarges a little, as anyone would with half +his provocation. Still, for all comrades of his service, at any rate, every +word he has written will be of interest; and perhaps he does not really +mind so much about the general public, though he has had the good sense to +crown his work with an apposite quotation from _Punch_. + + * * * * * + +_The Specials_ (HEINEMANN) is the story of the Metropolitan Special +Constabulary, and it would have been a thousand pities if it had not been +told. Colonel W.T. REAY'S book will stand as a record of invaluable service +performed by a devoted body of men, service for which the whole nation--and +London in particular--has every reason to be grateful. If I understand +Colonel REAY rightly he doesn't wish bouquets to be thrown at the Specials, +but he would not, I think, discourage me from saying that they performed +dangerous and ticklish work with unfailing resource and tact. All of us +know that they desire no other reward for their services than the +satisfaction of having done their duty; but our gratitude demands to be +heard; and I for one take this occasion to trumpet forth the "All clear" +signal with feelings of affectionate pride. + + * * * * * + +If _By Way of Bohemia_ (SKEFFINGTON) is a fair sample of Mr. MARK +ALLERTON'S work I have been missing a number of very readable stories. His +hero, _Hugh Kelvin_, a journalist (they must be rare) who had no very good +conceit of himself, married a barmaid, and she ran his house as if it were +a third-class drinking saloon. She was one of those women who for want of a +better word we call impossible; but she found _Hugh_ as unsatisfactory as +he found her. In the circumstances the union had to be dissolved, and, +although I suspect Mr. ALLERTON'S tongue of being very near his cheek when +he contrived _Hugh's_ escape from a life of sordid misery, I admit that his +solution of the difficulty is cleverly told. And, after all, coincidences +do happen in real life, and it would be unfair to Providence to suppose +that they were not put there for a useful purpose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME AWAY, ROBERT. YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THEY PUT CHEESE IN +THERE JUST FOR FUN AT TWO SHILLINGS A POUND?"] + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman washes to be received as Paying Guest."--_Daily Paper._ + +A very proper preliminary. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, February 25th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16509-8.txt or 16509-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/0/16509/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 11, 2005 [EBook #16509] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 25th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"Another American," says a Washington despatch, "has been captured by + Mexicans and is being held to ransom." We deplore these pin-prick + tactics. If there is something about the United States that President + <font class="sc">Carranza</font> wants changed he should say so.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A contemporary states that the old theory, that when your ears burn it + means that people are talking about you, is accurate. Upon hearing this a + dear old lady at once commenced to crochet a set of asbestos ear-guards + for Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The American gentleman who claims to have invented <i>revues</i> is + shortly coming over to England for a holiday. Personally we should advise + him to wait until the crime wave has died down a bit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is pleasing to note that in spite of the recent spring-like weather + the <font class="sc">Poet Laureate</font> is calmly keeping his head.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In their last Note to Holland on the subject of the ex-Kaiser's trial + the Allied Governments drop a hint that it was they and not Holland who + won the War. It is impossible to be too definite on this matter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Cotton, it is announced, has gone up to tenpence a reel. The new + American whisky stands at the same figure.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Boys sing automatically, like parrots," declares the choirmaster of + St. John's Church, Grimsby. His facts are wrong. The only thing automatic + about a parrot is its bite.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>So thirsty were the Americans on board, it is stated, that on her + homeward trip the <i>Mauretania</i> was drunk dry two days out. To remedy + this unsatisfactory state of affairs a syndicate of wealthy Americans is + understood to be formulating an offer to tow Ireland over to the New + Jersey coast if a liquor licence is granted to the tug.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the report that, as the result of a majority vote + of the Dublin Corporation, the sword and mace have been replaced by a + pistol and mitre.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We live in strenuous times. The <font class="sc">Mad Mullah</font> has + been reported in action and Willesden has won the London Draughts' + Tournament.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>By the way, those who remember the <font class="sc">Mad + Mullah's</font> earlier escapades are of the opinion that it is high time + for him to be killed again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <font class="sc">Home Secretary</font> hopes to introduce an + Anti-Firearms Bill. Under this Act it is expected that it will be made + illegal for criminals to shoot at people into whose homes they break.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A postcard posted in 1888 has just been delivered to <i>The Leeds + Mercury</i>, and they ask if this is a record. Not a permanent one, if + the Post Office can help it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A young lady told the Stratford magistrates that she gave up her young + man because he said he was a millionaire, and she had later learned that + he was a waiter. But there is nothing contradictory in this.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The ex-<font class="sc">Crown-prince</font> has written in the + <i>Tägliche Rundschau</i> on "How I Lost the War." He pays a fine tribute + to the British soldier, who, it appears, helped him to lose it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"How to Manage Twopenny Eggs" is the headline of a morning paper. A + good plan is to grip them firmly round the neck and wring it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An article in <i>Tit-Bits</i> tells readers how to make canaries pay. + We have felt for some time that there must be a better method than that + of suing the birds in the County Court.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Useful wedding-presents are now the vogue," says a weekly journal. + Only last week we heard of a Scotsman who at a recent wedding gave the + bride away.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The Jolly Bachelors" is the title of a new club at Nottingham. No + attempt has yet been made to start a Jolly Husbands' Club.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is gratifying to learn that the workman who last week fell from + some scaffolding in Oxford Street, but managed to grasp a rope and hang + on to it till rescued fifteen minutes later, has now been elected an + honorary member of the Underground Travellers' Association.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A reader living in Hertfordshire writes to say that spring-like + weather is prevailing and that a pair of bricklayers who started building + about three weeks ago can now be seen daily sitting on three bricks which + they laid last week.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>With such energy are the inhabitants of Leeds carrying out their + campaign against rats that it is considered unsafe for any rodent under + three years old to venture out alone after dark.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to learn that the Brixton lady who mislaid her husband + last week at one of these West-End bargain sales has now received him + back from the firm in fairly good condition.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>During the recent spell of warm weather several wooden houses threw + out new shoots, some of which are already in bud.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that the Government contemplate passing a Bill to forbid + silver-weddings unless a larger percentage of alloy is used with + them.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" src="images/134.png" + alt="" /></a> + THE CRIME WAVE. + + <p><i>Crank</i> (<i>enlarging upon pet theory</i>). "<font class="sc">I + tell you, Sir, we are all of us Bolshevists at heart. The only thing + that's keeping you and me from a life of crime is the thought of the + policeman round the corner.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"How utterly unimpressive for ceremonial purposes is the ordinary + episcopal habit.... What dignity it ever possessed has been most + successfully shorn off by the merciless scissors of ecclesiastical + tailors. The history of the chimere and rochet has been truly + tragic."—<i>Church Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Fortunately, the hat and gaiters do something to relieve the + gloom.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + +<h2>CLOTHES AND THE POET.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>["The public will welcome an announcement that the standard clothing + scheme may be revived on a voluntary basis."—<i>The Times</i>.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">I do not ask for silk attire,</p> + <p class="i10">For purple, no, nor puce;</p> + <p class="i8">The only wear that I require</p> + <p class="i10">Is something plain and loose,</p> + <p>A quiet set of reach-me-downs for serviceable use.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">For these, which I must have because</p> + <p class="i10">The honour of the Press</p> + <p class="i8">Compels me, by unwritten laws,</p> + <p class="i10">To clothe my nakedness,</p> + <p>Four guineas is my limit—more or (preferably) less.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">Let others go in Harris tweeds,</p> + <p class="i10">Men of the leisured sort;</p> + <p class="i8">Mine are the modest, homely needs</p> + <p class="i10">That with my state comport;</p> + <p>I am a simple labouring man whose work is all his sport.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">I covet not the gear of those</p> + <p class="i10">Who neither toil nor spin;</p> + <p class="i8">I merely want some standard clo's</p> + <p class="i10">To drape my standard skin,</p> + <p>Wrought of material suitable for writing verses in.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">Something that won't pick up the dust</p> + <p class="i10">When rhymes refuse to flow;</p> + <p class="i8">And roomy, lest the seams be bust</p> + <p class="i10">Should the afflatus blow—</p> + <p>Say five-and-forty round the ribs and rather more below.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">For poets they should stock a brand</p> + <p class="i10">To serve each type's behest—</p> + <p class="i8">Pastoral, epic, lyric—and</p> + <p class="i10">An outer size of chest</p> + <p>For those whose puffy job it is to build the arduous jest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WOLF AND THE LAMB.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>An imaginary conversation.</i>)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[In his lecture at the Royal Institution, to which Mr. Punch recently + referred, Mr. <font class="sc">Alfred Noyes</font> said that "our art and + literature were increasingly Bolshevik, and if they looked at the columns + of any newspaper they would see the unusual spectacle of the political + editor desperately fighting that which the art and literary portions of + the paper upheld."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">Scene.</font>—<i>A Club-room near Fleet Street. + The</i> Political Editor <i>and the</i> Literary Editor <i>of "The Daily + Crisis" are discovered seated in adjoining armchairs</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Political Editor.</i> Excuse me, but haven't I seen you + occasionally in <i>The Crisis</i> office?</p> + + <p><i>Literary Editor.</i> Possibly. I look after its literary pages, you + know.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> Really? I run the political columns. Did you read my + showing-up this morning of the Bolshevik peril in the House of Lords?</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> I'm afraid I never read the political articles. Did you + notice my two-column boom of young Applecart's latest book of poems?</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> No time to read the literary columns, and modern poetry's + as good as Chinese to me. Who's Applecart?</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> My dear Sir, is it possible that you are unfamiliar with + the author of <i>I Will Destroy</i>? He's the hope of the future as far + as English poetry is concerned.</p> + + <p><i>P.E. (cheerfully).</i> Never heard of him. What's he done?</p> + + <p><i>L.E. (impressively).</i> He has overthrown all the rules, not only + of art, but of morality. He has created a new Way of Life.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> Can't see that that's anything to shout about. What's his + platform, anyway?</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> Platform? To anyone who has tho slightest acquaintance + with Applecart the very idea of a platform is fantastic. He doesn't + stand; he soars.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> Well, what are his <i>views</i>, then? Pretty tall, I + suppose, if he's such a high flier.</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> You may well say so. In the first place he discards all + the old artistic formulæ.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> I know; you write a solid slab of purple prose, scissor it + into a jig-saw puzzle, serve it with a dazzle dressing and call it the + New Poetry.</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> Have your joke, if you will. But, more important still, + Applecart is a rebel against humanity and all its fetishes, social, + ethical and political.</p> + + <p><i>P.E. (startled).</i> A Bolshie, I suppose you mean?</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> The artist is proof against all these vulgar terms of + abuse, culled from the hustings. Call him a Pussyfoot as well; you cannot + shake him from his pinnacle.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> Yes, but look here—he's just the sort of pernicious + agitator we're out against in <i>The Crisis</i>—at least in my + department. My special article this morning—three thickly-leaded + columns—actually revealed the existence of a most insidious plot to + undermine the restraining influence of the House of Lords by the spread + of Bolshevik propaganda masquerading as literature. You see, there's a + certain section of the Lords, mainly new creations who've only recently + been released from various employments, who now for the first time in + their lives have leisure for reading; then there's the spread of + education among the sporting Peers. Well, these people are ready to + succumb to all sorts of poisonous doctrines, if they're served up in what + I presume to be the fashionable mode of the moment; and I expect your + precious Applecart is one of the Bolsh agents who are laying the trap. + You'll have to stop booming him, you know. He's not doing the paper any + good.</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> My dear Sir, literature takes no account of the fads and + fancies of party politics. And I gather from you that party politics have + no use for literature except from a propagandist view. Let us be content + to go our own ways in peace.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> Yes, that's all very well for you and me, but what about + the Chief? How does he reconcile these absolutely conflicting + standpoints? And what does the public think of it all?</p> + + <p><i>L.E. (confidentially).</i> Between you and me, the Chief knows his + public. And the public knows its papers. The last thing it wants from us + is consistency, which is always boring. Besides (<i>still more + confidentially</i>), the public doesn't take us quite so seriously as we + like to pretend.</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> H'm, maybe you're right. As a matter of fact (<i>lowering + his voice</i>) I sometimes think I'm a bit of a Socialist myself.</p> + + <p><i>L.E.</i> Really? As for me (<i>conspiratorially</i>), I adore <font + class="sc">Tennyson</font>, and <font class="sc">Ezra Pound</font> fills + me with a secret wrath. Still, the public—</p> + + <p><i>P.E.</i> Ah, the public—! Have a drink?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They pledge each other. <font class="sc">Noyes</font> without. + They disperse hurriedly.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In view of the serious shortage of female help, the United Boards of + Trade of Western Ontaria have been discussing proposals to encourage the + immigration of young women from Great Britain."—<i>Morning + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And have apparently feminized the Province in advance.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If the Archdeacon of Coventry is correct in stating, as he did in + Convocation, that the word 'tush' found in the Psalter means 'bosh,' it + must in this sense be what the classical dons call a + 'hapslegomenon'."—<i>Evening Standard</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Which, again, must be what the classical undergraduates call a + "slipsus languæ."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" src="images/136.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <h3>THE IRREMOVABLES.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Turkey</font> (<i>to his old patron in + Holland</i>). "SO, WE'RE BOTH REMAINING, WHAT?"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Voice from the Other End.</font> "YES, BUT + <i>YOU</i>'VE GOT TO BEHAVE."</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/137.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Angry Father (of the Old School).</i> <font class="sc">"I shall + cut you off with a shilling!"</font></p> + + <p><i>The Prodigal.</i> <font class="sc">"Not one of the new nickel + things, I hope, Father?"</font></p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE COWARD.</h2> + + <p>Cecilia was knitting by the fire.</p> + + <p>"What on earth have you two been doing?" she asked as we came in. + "John looks as if he'd been in a boiler explosion."</p> + + <p>"Hardly that," I said. "We've been playing with Chris—haven't + we, John?"</p> + + <p>John gasped.</p> + + <p>"No, we haven't," he said. "On the contrary, <i>they</i> have been + playing with <i>me</i>, Cecilia."</p> + + <p>"Well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?" said Cecilia. "Anyhow, I + heard <i>you</i> making a most frightful row."</p> + + <p>"Of course I was making a row. So would you make a row if people + suddenly mistook you for a Teddy Bear or something and started bunging + you about the room."</p> + + <p>"I haven't the least idea what you're talking about," said Cecilia, + "but I think you're being intensely vulgar."</p> + + <p>"Vulgar! 'Vulgar,' she says." He laughed bitterly. "You'd be vulgar + too if you'd had that great hulking brute" (he pointed at me) "sitting on + the small of your back, and a hooligan of a boy—"</p> + + <p>Cecilia sat up and took notice.</p> + + <p>"Hooligan!" she said, "Hooligan! Who's a Hooligan?"</p> + + <p>"Sh! sister," I murmured. "You'll strain the epiglottis."</p> + + <p>John turned on me savagely.</p> + + <p>"You keep quiet. It isn't your epi—epi—what you + said—and, anyway, can't I even have a quiet row with my own wife + without—"</p> + + <p>"John, calm yourself," said Cecilia crushingly. "Alan, tell me what + you've been doing."</p> + + <p>"Yes," muttered John, "tell her." He subsided into an armchair.</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "you see, Christopher and I were up in the nursery and + getting on quite all right when John butted in—"</p> + + <p>"I simply opened—"</p> + + <p>"John, keep quiet," said his wife. "Well, Alan?"</p> + + <p>"Well, the fact is, Chris and I were in the middle of a great war with + all his soldiers. I had just firmly established fire superiority and was + actually on the verge of launching a huge offensive—the one that + was going to win the war, in fact—when, as I said, in butted this + great clumsy elephant and knocked half of Christopher's army over."</p> + + <p>"Purely an accident," said John.</p> + + <p>"<i>Will</i> you keep quiet, or must I make you?" asked Cecilia.</p> + + <p>"Well, of course," I went on, "finding ourselves suddenly attacked by + a common foe, Chris and I naturally joined forces to defend + ourselves."</p> + + <p>"Defend!—" shrieked John. "No, I won't keep quiet another + second. Defend! Why, they rushed at me like a couple of wild hyenas."</p> + + <p>"My dear John," said Cecilia, "<i>you</i> attacked them first, and of + course they defended themselves as best they could."</p> + + <p>"Precisely," I said.</p> + + <p>"After all, John," said Cecilia, "you ought to be glad your son is so + ready to look after himself, instead of calling him a hooligan. You're + always shouting about the noble art of self-defence."</p> + + <p>"Noble art of self-defence <i>rot</i>," said <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> John. "There's nothing in + the noble art about pushing lead soldiers down a man's neck."</p> + + <p>"Down your neck?" said Cecilia.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said John. "I keep trying to tell you and you won't let me. + That brute sat on the small of my back while Christopher pushed 'em down. + The little beasts all had their bayonets fixed, too."</p> + + <p>Cecilia and I laughed.</p> + + <p>"Yes, laugh," said John bitterly. "It <i>is</i> funny that our child + should be growing up a Bolshevist; trying to flay his own father. He'll + be setting fire to the cat in a week and then you'll have another + laugh."</p> + + <p>"John," shrieked Cecilia, "how dare you? If you say another word about + the darling—"</p> + + <p>The door opened and Christopher came into the room.</p> + + <p>He seemed to have washed his face or something. Anyway, he looked + quite a little angel and that's hardly—however.</p> + + <p>"I shall tell Chris what you've been saying," said Cecilia.</p> + + <p>John jumped.</p> + + <p>"No, no, Cecilia," he said in a strangled voice. "Don't betray me. + I—I'm sorry; I withdraw everything. Cecilia, save me. Think of our + courting days; remember—"</p> + + <p>"Christopher," said Cecilia clearly, "you see your father? Go and pull + his last remaining hairs out."</p> + + <p>Christopher looked at her in amazement. Then he walked over to John, + climbed on his knee and put an arm round his neck.</p> + + <p>"I wouldn't hurt you, dear old Dad, would I?" he asked affectionately, + looking at his mother in pained surprise.</p> + + <p>John positively gasped with relief.</p> + + <p>"Dear old Chris," he said.</p> + + <p>"Oh, you hypocrite!" said Cecilia.</p> + + <p>"Coward!" said I.</p> + + <p>I was sitting on one of those dumpy hassock sort of things. John + looked down at me vindictively for a moment and then a horrid smile + started spreading about his nasty face.</p> + + <p>"Christopher," he said very gently, "wouldn't it be a good thing if we + pushed Uncle Alan over and knocked his slippers off, and then I'll sit on + him while you tickle his feet?"</p> + + <p>Now it sounds silly, but a cold prespiration came over me. Being + tickled is so hopelessly undignified. And, anyhow, I simply can't stand + it on the feet.</p> + + <p>"John," I said severely, "don't be absurd."</p> + + <p>Christopher gurgled.</p> + + <p>"He's afraid," he said. "Come on, Dad."</p> + + <p>I saw that they really meant it, and I can only suppose that I was + carried away by one of those panics that you read of as attacking the + bravest at times. Anyhow, quite suddenly I found myself moving rapidly + round the table, out of the door and up the stairs. Halfway up I stopped + to listen. Cecilia and John were laughing loudly and coarsely and + Christopher was chanting "Uncle's got the wind up" in a piercing treble. + Not at all a nice phrase for a small boy to have on his tongue.</p> + + <p>It was all very galling for one who has fought and, I may say, bled + for his country. I almost decided to go back and fight if necessary. Then + I heard a stage-whisper from Christopher:</p> + + <p>"Let's creep upstairs after him and tickle him to death. Shall we, + Dad?"</p> + + <p>Sheer hooliganism. It was impossible to fight with honour against such + opponents. I disdained to try. I went hastily up the remaining stairs and + locked myself in my room.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%" src="images/138.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Polite Straphanger (to lady who has been standing on his toes for + a considerable time).</i> "<font class="sc">Pardon me, Madam, but + you'll have to get off here—this is as far as I go.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + +<h2>THE INTERNATIONALIST.</h2> + + <p>"What on earth," I said to the waiter, who was standing a few yards + off, lost in a pensive dream of his native land—Switzerland, + France, Italy?—well, anyhow, lost in a pensive dream—"what on + earth is a Petrograd steak?"</p> + + <p>The white napkin whisked like the scut of a rabbit, and he bounded to + my side. "Eet is mince-up," he said melodramatically. "Ze Petrograd steak + ver good. Two minute—mince-up."</p> + + <p>"But isn't that a Vienna steak?" I asked.</p> + + <p>A spasm of pain passed over his face. "Before ze War," he whispered, + "yes, Vienna steak. Now we call it ze Petrograd. You vill have one? Yes? + Two minute."</p> + + <p>Memories came flooding back of that moment of crisis which had found + so many of our trusted statesmen ill-prepared, but, terrible as it was, + had not caught the managers of London restaurants napping. I remembered + the immense stores of Dutch lager beer which they had so providentially + and so patriotically held in anticipation of the hour of need. Dutch + beer, both light and dark, so that inveterate drinkers of Munich and + Pilsener were enabled to face Armageddon almost without a jerk. They had + other things ready too—Danish <i>pâté de fois gras</i>, Swiss liver + sausages, Belgian pastries and the rest. It was in that dark hour, I + suppose, that the Vienna steak set its face towards the steppes. But this + was in 1914, and a good deal had happened since then. It appeared to me + that the restaurant was not exactly <i>au courant</i> with international + complications and the gastronomic consequences of the Peace. I felt + entitled to further illumination.</p> + + <p>"I don't feel at all certain," I told the man, "that I ought to eat a + Petrograd steak. Is it a white steak?"</p> + + <p>"Ah, no, not vite, not vite at all," he assured me. "Eet is + underdone—not much, but a little underdone. Ver good mince-up."</p> + + <p>"I absolutely refuse to eat a Red Petrograd steak," I declared. "Have + you by any chance anything Jugo-Slavian on the menu?"</p> + + <p>"Zere is ze jugged hare—"</p> + + <p>"I think you misunderstand me," I interrupted; "this is a point of + principle with me. Supposing I consume this Czecho-Slovakian mince-up and + then have a piece of Stilton; there has been no war with Stilton, I + fancy—"</p> + + <p>"Ver good, ze Stilton," interjected the chorus.</p> + + <p>"And coffee—'</p> + + <p>"Turkish coffee?" he said.</p> + + <p>"There you go again," I grumbled. "Whatever my attitude may be towards + Vienna and Petrograd (and, mind you, I am not feeling at all bitter + towards Vienna), my relations with Turkey are most certainly + strained."</p> + + <p>"No, not strained, ze Turkish coffee," he cried eagerly; "eet has ze + grounds."</p> + + <p>"So have I," I told him; "we will call it the Macedonian coffee. It is + you who insisted in obtruding these international relations on my simple + lunch, and I mean to do the thing thoroughly. Better a dish of Croat + Serbs where love is than a bifteck Petrograd—Never mind, go and get + the thing."</p> + + <p>When he returned with it I fell to, but my thoughts remained with the + waiter. What a man! With his dispassionate judgment, his calm sane + outlook on men and affairs, shaken a little perhaps in 1914, but since + then undisturbed, was he not cut out above all others to settle the vexed + frontier lines of Europe? I wondered whether Lord <font class="sc">Robert + Cecil</font> might not possibly make use of him. I was tempted to try him + still further.</p> + + <p>"Have you ever heard of Mr. J.M. <font class="sc">Keynes</font>?" I + asked him when he brought me the Bessarabian coffee.</p> + + <p>"Mr. <font class="sc">Keynes</font> I not know. He not come here, I + zink."</p> + + <p>"Or the Treaty of London?"</p> + + <p>"I vill ask ze manager."</p> + + <p>"Or President <font class="sc">Wilson</font>?"</p> + + <p>A brilliant smile of illumination lit up his features.</p> + + <p>"American, is he not?" he said. "Ver reech, ze Americans."</p> + + <p>This saddened me a little. He was not then absolutely complete. There + was a faint tarnish on the lustre of his innocence. He was scarcely + perhaps suited for the League of Nations after all. Lighting an Albanian + cigarette I asked him for my bill.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THINKING ALOUD.</h3> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Lord Haldane</font> <i>loquitur</i>.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Tired of laborious days and nights</p> + <p>Spent on the intellectual heights,</p> + <p>I long to raise and educate</p> + <p>The masters of the future State.</p> + <p>Besides, the people in the plains</p> + <p>Are lamentably short of brains,</p> + <p>And I have even more than <font class="sc">Keynes</font>.</p> + <p>Already in <i>The Herald's</i> page</p> + <p>Am I acclaimed as seer and sage;</p> + <p>Mine be it then to teach my neighbour</p> + <p>To quit the lowly rut of Labour,</p> + <p>And scale the heights of Pisgah, Nebo,</p> + <p>Or some equivalent gazebo,</p> + <p>For even Labour must afford</p> + <p>To keep one competent Law Lord."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WAR CRIMINALS DEMAND TO BE SUSPENDED."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Too good to be true.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/140.png"><img width="100%" src="images/140.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p class="center">A YOUNG GIRL HAS THE TEMERITY TO BRING A CHAPERON TO + A DANCE.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/141.png"><img width="100%" src="images/141.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + + <p class="center">"<font class="sc">This is where he swims the rapids. + How shall we send him—up or down?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>COX AND BOX.</h2> + + <p><font class="sc">My dear Charles</font>,—Let us talk <i>Haute + Finance</i>. In other words, let us indulge in that good old Anglo-Saxon + pastime of blackguarding <font class="sc">Cox and Co</font>. It will + remind us of the piping days of war. There is too much peace about, and + the gentle and ever-forgiving <font class="sc">Cox and Co</font>. expect + their customers to be men of force and character, showing temper from + time to time. Everybody else may be demobilised; I remain a soldier, and + as such I have my special bank. Ah, me! the battles in Charing Cross are + not the easy things they used to be. No longer, as of old, I come fresh + to the attack against a mere underling, worn down by the assaults of wave + after wave of brother-officers attacking, before me. I enter the + Territorial Department alone and am taken on by a master-hand, supported + and flanked by a number of unoccupied subordinates. About the Spring of + 1925, when I expect to be the only "T" left, I anticipate the decisive + moment when I shall cross swords or swop bombs with Sir <font + class="sc">Cox</font> himself. Having bravely encountered "<font + class="sc">and Co</font>." these many years, I shall not be daunted by + that gilded knight.</p> + + <p>The war having once put me in possession of my <font class="sc">Cox + and Co</font>., I had very frequent recourse to them when in need of such + solace as only money can bring. The time arrived when I applied in vain; + the money had disappeared. Though I had no reason to suspect <font + class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> of being dishonest I noticed a tone of + assuredness and self-complacency in their letters strangely similar to + that in my own, and I <i>knew</i> that I was being dishonest, so I + demanded to see my pass-book. It was a horrid sight, and it gave me + seriously to think. How came it that the side of the book which showed my + takings was so clear and easily to be understood, but the side which + showed their takings wrapt in mystery and hieroglyphics such as not even + the world's leading financiers and mathematicians could hope to unravel? + My subaltern, being consulted, agreed with me; I would have had him + carpeted by the C.O. at once if he hadn't.</p> + + <p>I stepped round to <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> and had it out + with them verbally. After a discussion lasting half-an-hour, it was shown + that I had been credited with a week's pay to which I wasn't entitled and + that a month's income-tax, to which a grasping Government <i>was</i> + entitled, had not been deducted. I left the building ninety-three + shillings worse off than I entered it.</p> + + <p>I gave <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> six months to go wrong in, + and then called for that pass-book again. My eye fell upon a paying and + deducting and refunding and readjusting of an item itself so shameful + that it dared only appear under its initials. Why this oscillation? I + asked myself. So we engaged upon another correspondence, and another + interview took place, at which I was supported by my subaltern (who could + multiply and add), and the bank-man was supported by a young lady (who + could divide and subtract). At the end of a passionate discussion, which + lasted fifty-seven minutes (forty-five of them being after closing time) + the conclusion was arrived at that the total was correct to a halfpenny. + Even <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> themselves were a bit surprised + at that.</p> + + <p>Years passed, and there was no doubt about it; the money continued to + disappear. Trusting that <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> were now + lulled into a feeling of false security I tried a surprise + reconnaissance. I dropped in on them without warning and asked to see + that pass-book then and there. They searched high and low, but they + couldn't find it. I, on the other hand, found it quite easily, when I + searched amongst my papers at home. To me this proved that I was the + better searcher. My subaltern, however, would have it that the + circumstances gave me no right of action against <font class="sc">Cox and + Co.</font> His sympathies were clearly with them, so I requested him + kindly to get on with his own work and not to interfere further in my + private affairs. He went away in a huff, got demobilised and, I have + little doubt, married the young lady who divided and subtracted and, with + her, set up a bank of his own. I devoted my young life to the search for + some person, firm or corporation, expert in pass-books, haughty of + demeanour, capable of getting blood out of a stone and not likely to give + even the devil his due; I wanted such an ally for the next assault.</p> + + <p>I have always remained a civilian, and as such have retained my other + banker. A man of unlimited possessions, I may state accurately that I + have to-day no fewer than two banks of my own. Let us call this other one + Box and Co. That is not the real name, but it is as far as I dare go to + refer to them, even under an assumed name. Years of stern handling by + them have taken all the spirit out of me. It is as much as I can do to + screw up my courage so far as to ask the loan of a pound or two of my own + money off them. And there have been times, in the pre-1914 past, when I + have felt it would be better to go without money than to have the stuff + thrown at me, shovelled at me in that contemptuous offhand manner. I now + repaired in person to the premises of Box and Co., with their handsome + marble façade and their costly mahogany fittings, and had a word with Mr. + Box himself. A little artful flattery, a few simple lies and just a touch + of ginger in the matter of professional competition, and Box and Co. were + brought into the war. I handed them <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font>'s + pass-book and told them that now was their time to go in and win.</p> + + <p>I used to look in every other day to see how the struggle went. At + first Box and Co. were confident, remarking on my wisdom in placing + myself (and my pass-book) in such competent hands as theirs. But as the + correspondence went on their enthusiasm wore off; Mr. Box gave vent to + observations reflecting ill on the Army system of pay, on the Army + itself, even on that part of it which was me. Had it not been that the + pride of Box and Co. was involved, I believe they would have gone to + London in a body, there to form a lifelong friendship with <font + class="sc">Cox and Co.</font>, out of pure fellow-feeling. But I have + hinted that Box and Co. were a cold inhuman institution, whose business + in life it was to do people down, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" + id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> or go down itself. And so <font + class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> had to be for it. Eventually, in the late + winter of 1919, Box and Co. extracted from <font class="sc">Cox and + Co.</font> the admission that a five had been mistaken for a three, and I + had been done out of twopence, an affair all the more gross in that it + had happened as long ago as the early spring of 1915, and never a word of + remorse meanwhile! A conclusion by which neither Box nor <font + class="sc">Cox</font> was really satisfied, but which, for me, was + enough. We English may only win one battle in a war, but that battle is + the last.</p> + + <p>Possibly, my dear Charles, you have a soft spot in your heart for this + <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font>, never failing in courtesy and + attention and ever heaped with abuse? So, to be frank, have I. Let us + turn round and blackguard the other fellow. The sequel is incredible.</p> + + <p>I next handed my Box and Co. pass-book to <font class="sc">Cox and + Co.</font>, giving them a brief and touching <i>résumé</i> of my sad + story of wrong and oppression, and bidding them do their damnedest in + their turn. They wrote to Box and Co.: "Our customer, your customer, we + may say <font class="sc">the</font> customer, Second-Lieutenant, + Brevet-Lieutenant, Temporary Captain, Acting Major, Local Colonel, + Aspiring General (entered in your books as plain Mister) Henry + Neplusultra, informs us that, though he has banked with you since the + first sovereign he earned at his baptism, he has been so frowned at and + scorned as to have been rendered morally unable to handle his current + balance. He instructs us...."</p> + + <p>But why relate the story in all its grim horror? Enough to say that so + successfully did <font class="sc">Cox and Co.</font> pursue their + instructions that they discovered a credit balance in my favour of + 14<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i>; so politely and firmly did they conduct the + correspondence that eventually Box and Co. burst into tears, admitted the + claim and, upon my calling the other day personally to receive + satisfaction, handed me the 14<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> with a deferential + bow. If you doubt the truth of this statement you have only to come round + to my place, where you can see for yourself the threepence, which is + still in my possession.</p> + +<p class="center">Yours ever,</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Henry</font>.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%" src="images/142.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Fusser.</i> "<font class="sc">I should like to know just how much + this train is overdue.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Cynic.</i> "<font class="sc">A watch ain't no good—what you + want is a halmanack.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>DAY BY DAY IN THE WORLD OF CRIME.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a well-known Professor of Larceny.</i>)</p> + + <p>In these days when robbery with violence is an everyday occurence, few + people will trust themselves alone in railway carriages. Imagine, + therefore, my surprise, not unmingled with pleasure, on seeing a somewhat + pompous-looking individual, with the circumference and watch-chain of the + successful merchant, sitting alone in a first-class carriage on the + suburban up-line from Wallingford. I always travel from Wallingford, as + it is the one station on the line at which you are not required to show a + ticket on entry. Accordingly I entered the old gentleman's carriage, took + his ticket, and offered him a cigarette, which he accepted. I then opened + the conversation.</p> + + <p>"I wonder you wear your watch-chain so prominently," I remarked, + "especially during the present vogue of crime—so tempting, you + know."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" he said, "so you may think; but, being a bit of a criminologist, + I have arranged that as a little trap. It is my belief that the + pickpocket, foiled in one particular, never attempts to rob his victim in + any other way. Now this chain cost me precisely ninepence. It is weighted + at each end with a piece of lead, which gives an appearance of + genuineness to the watch-pocket. I am heavily armed, in case he should + attempt violence."</p> + + <p>It was here that I removed his pocket-book and slipped it into my + great-coat. Not daring to examine it openly, I fingered it cautiously, + and felt the stiff softness of bank-notes. I was so carried away with + pleasure that I was quite surprised to hear his voice returning from a + distance.</p> + + <p>"As for my ticket," he continued, "that is a single from Wallingford + to the next station, Sadlington; it is two years old. My season I keep + inside the lining of my hat."</p> + + <p>It was here that I returned the ticket to his pocket. After all, I + reflected, I could pay at the other end with a very small portion of the + contents of the pocket-book, which I reckoned must contain at least + half-a-dozen fivers.</p> + + <p>"By the way," he added, "I have a passion for biscuits; will you join + me in one?" and he proffered a small tin. "I eat so many of them," he + said, "that I can write all my memoranda on the slips of paper from the + tins, and these I keep in my pocket-book. My money I keep next my + season."</p> + + <p>It was here that I returned the pocket-book.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"THE OPTIMISTIC WAITERS.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">'Soon We Shall Go Bark to Our Work + Triumphantly.'</font>"—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We hope that in the case of certain restaurants the bark will not be + so bad as the bite.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/143.png"><img width="100%" src="images/143.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>who has something in her eye</i>). "<font + class="sc">It's still very sore, Mummy. Shall I gargle it?</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE DEAD TREE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Being a terrible result of reading too much poetry in the modern + manner.</i>)</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Slushy is the highway between the unspeakable hedges;</p> + <p>I pause</p> + <p>Irresolute under a telegraph-pole,</p> + <p>The fourteenth telegraph-pole on the way</p> + <p>From Shere to Havering,</p> + <p>The twenty-first</p> + <p>From Havering to Shere.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Crimson is the western sky; upright it stands,</p> + <p>The solitary pole,</p> + <p>Sombre and terrible,</p> + <p>Splitting the dying sun</p> + <p>Into two semi-circular halves.</p> + <p>I do not think I have seen, not even in Vorticist pictures,</p> + <p>Anything so solitary,</p> + <p>So absolutely nude;</p> + <p>Yet this was an item once in the uninteresting forest,</p> + <p>With branches sticking out of it, and crude green leaves</p> + <p>And resinous sap,</p> + <p>And underneath it a litter of pine spindles</p> + <p>And ants;</p> + <p>Birds fretted in the boughs and bees were busy in it,</p> + <p>Squirrels ran noisily up it;</p> + <p>Now it is naked and dead,</p> + <p>Delightfully naked</p> + <p>And beautifully dead.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Delightfully and beautifully, for across it melodiously,</p> + <p>Stirred by the evening wind,</p> + <p>The wires where electric messages are continually being despatched</p> + <p>Between various post-offices,</p> + <p>Messages of business and messages of love,</p> + <p>Rates of advertisements and all the winners,</p> + <p>Are vibrating and thrumming</p> + <p>Like a thousand lutes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is the old grey heart of the telegraph pole stirred by these messages?</p> + <p>I fancy not.</p> + <p>Yet it all seems very strange;</p> + <p>And even stranger still, now that I notice it,</p> + <p>Is the fact that the thing is after all not absolutely naked,</p> + <p>For a short way up it, half obliterated with age,</p> + <p>Discoloured and torn,</p> + <p>Fastened on by tintacks,</p> + <p>There is a paper <i>affiche</i></p> + <p>Relating to swine fever.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sun sinks lower and I pass on,</p> + <p>On to the fifteenth pole from Shere to Havering,</p> + <p>And the twentieth</p> + <p>From Havering to Shere;</p> + <p>It is even more naked and desolate than the last.</p> + <p>I pause (as before)....</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Author.</i> We can start all over again now if you like. + <i>Editor.</i> I don't like.]</p> + + </blockquote> +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"HOPS.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">Canterbury</font>, Saturday.—Trade was quiet, + with prices steady, as follows:—Kent mixed fleeces, 36d; lambs' + wool, 22d to 24d; downs, 41d to 42d; and half-bred fleeces, 38d to 39d + per lb."—<i>Financial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>This may help to explain the taste of "Government ale."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"By systematic and scientific training is it possible to produce that + perfect type of manhood gifted with the best powers of what we are wont + to call the 'lower orders of creation'—keen sighted and swift of + motion as a bird, sharp-scented as a greyhound, faithful and acute as a + dog, and full of sentient wisdom as an elephant."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We are doubtful about the rest, but the greyhound part should be quite + easy.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/144.png"><img width="100%" src="images/144.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>INTERNATIONAL EURYTHYMICS.</h3> + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">AN ALLIED <i>PAS DE TROIS</i> AND AN + "ASSOCIATED" <i>PAS SEUL</i>.</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" src="images/146.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Ko-ko</i> (<i>Sir <font class="sc">Gordon Hewart</font></i>). + "<font class="sc">Pardon me, but there I am adamant.</font>"</p> + </div> + <p><i>Monday, February 16th.</i>—The great <font + class="sc">Auckland</font> still reposes a touching faith in the + Profiteering Act. In his opinion it "has had a stabilising effect on the + price of clothing;" by which he means, I suppose, that West-End tailors + long ago nailed their high prices to the mast-head.</p> + + <p>In commending the Bill for the continuance of D.O.R.A., a + <i>remanet</i> from last Session, the <font + class="sc">Attorney-General</font> was almost apologetic. He laid much + stress upon the "modest and attenuated form" which the measure now + presented, and the short time it was to remain in force. Serious + objection was taken by the Irish Members to the provision that in + districts where a proclamation is in force the D.O.R.A. regulations, + instead of coming to an end on August 31st, will continue for a year + after the end of the War. This they naturally interpreted as a means of + continuing the military government of Ireland, a country in which, + according to Mr. <font class="sc">Devlin</font>, the Government had as + much right as the Germans in Belgium. The House, however, seemed to agree + with the Irish Attorney-General that in the present state of Ireland it + would not be wise to dispense with the regulations, and gave the Bill a + second reading by 219 votes to 61.</p> + + <p>Then the House turned to the discussion of the levy on capital. The + <font class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font> was still inexorably + opposed to a general levy, but would like a toll on war-wealth alone, and + proposed to set up a Committee to consider whether it was practicable. + Mr. <font class="sc">Adamson</font> frankly declared that the Labour + Party was in favour of a capital levy, but wanted to get at the + war-profits first. Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> objected to + widening the scope of the inquiry on the ground that it would take too + long, and also that uncertainty would promote extravagance and discourage + saving. And, despite Lieut.-Commander <font class="sc">Kenworthy's</font> + naïve suggestion that we should restore credit by making a bonfire of + paper-money—he did not say whose—the House agreed with the + <font class="sc">Chancellor</font>.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/145-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>COLONEL AMERY CRUSOE RETURNS FROM A SUCCESSFUL DAY WITH HIS MAN + FRIDAY.</p> + </div> + <p><i>Tuesday, February 17th.</i>—The Acting Colonial Secretary + bubbled over with delight as he described the success of the operations + against the Somaliland dervishes. The principal credit was due to the + Royal Air Force, but the native levies had also done their part + effectively. The only fly in Colonel <font class="sc">Amery's</font> + ointment was the escape of that evasive gentleman, the <font + class="sc">Mullah</font>, to whom he was careful on this occasion not to + apply the epithet "Mad." As, however, the <font class="sc">Mullah</font> + has lost all his forces, all his stock and all his belongings, it is + hoped that it will be at any rate some time before he pops up again.</p> + + <p>The Coal Mines Bill was wisely entrusted to Mr. <font + class="sc">Bridgeman</font>. Lord <font class="sc">Spencer</font> once + delighted the House of Commons by announcing that he was "not an + agricultural labourer"; and Mr. <font class="sc">Bridgeman</font> + similarly put it in a good temper by admitting that he had never himself + worked in a mine. But he showed quite a sufficient acquaintance with his + subject, and succeeded in dispelling some of the fog that enshrouds the + figures of coal-finance. The miners, of course, objected to the Bill on + the ground that it was not nationalisation, but were left in a very small + minority.</p> + + <p>A Private Members' debate on the Housing Problem occupied the evening. + There was much friendly criticism of the <font class="sc">Minister of + Health</font>, for whom Major <font class="sc">Lloyd Greame</font> + suggested a motto from the <i>Koran</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"This life is but a bridge;</p> + <p>Let no man build his house upon it."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But the lapse of time is gradually bringing performance nearer to + promise, and Dr. <font class="sc">Addison</font> was able to announce + that over one hundred thousand houses were now "in the tender stage." Let + us hope no bitter blast will nip them in the bud.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, February 18th.</i>—The Lords returned to work + after their week's holiday in a rather gloomy mood. By some occult + process of reasoning Lord <font class="sc">Parmoor</font> has convinced + himself that the distress in Central Europe is largely the fault of the + Peace Conference. He was supported by Lord <font class="sc">Bryce</font>, + who declared that the "Big Four" approached the business of Treaty-making + in a German rather than an English spirit (which sounds as if he thought + they never meant to keep it), and by Lord <font + class="sc">Haldane</font>, who, <i>more suo</i>, accused the negotiators + of having shown "no adequate prevision." Lord <font + class="sc">Crawford</font> dealt pretty faithfully with the cavillers and + pointed out that this country had already spent twelve millions on + relieving European distress, and was prepared to spend nearly as <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> much + again when the United States was ready to co-operate; but at present, he + reminded them, that country was still in a state of war with Germany.</p> + + <p>The one bright spot of the sitting was Lord <font + class="sc">Hylton's</font> statement that the National Debt, which was + within a fraction of eight thousand millions on December 31st, had since + been reduced by eighty-five millions. The pace is too good to last, but + it is something to have made a start.</p> + + <p>For nearly four years we have been anxiously waiting to know what + really did happen at the battle of Jutland. The voluminous efforts of + Admirals and journalists have failed to clear up the mystery, and even + Commander <font class="sc">Carlyon Bellairs</font> has not satisfied + everybody so completely as himself that his recent work reveals the + truth. But now the official history is on the eve of publication and Mr. + <font class="sc">Long</font> no longer feels it necessary to keep the + secret. Here it is in his own words: "The <i>moral</i> of the German + fleet was very seriously shaken." What a relief!</p> + + <p>It seems that the Turks were informed in advance of the intention of + the Peace Conference to let them stay at Constantinople in the hope that + they would forthwith abandon their sanguinary habits. Instead of which + they appear to have said to themselves, "What a jolly day! Let us go out + and kill something—Armenians for choice." So now a further message + has been sent to them to the effect that the new title to the old + tenement is not absolute but conditional, and that one of the covenants + forbids its use as a slaughterhouse.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/145-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + TAKING THE OFFERTORY. + + <p><i><font class="sc">Mr. Austen Chamberlain</font></i> (<i>as + Sidesman</i>). "<font class="sc">The threepenny-bit is economical, + perhaps; but a desirable coin, from my point of view, it is + not.</font>"</p> + </div> + <p>A modest little Bill empowering the Mint to manufacture coins worth + something less than their weight in silver aroused the wrath of Professor + <font class="sc">Oman</font>. The last time, according to his account, + that the coinage was thus debased was in the days of <font + class="sc">Henry VIII.</font>, whose views both on money and matrimony + were notoriously lax. Other Members were friendly to the project, and Mr. + <font class="sc">Dennis Herbert</font>, in the avowed interest of + churchwardens, urged the Government to seize the opportunity to abolish + the threepeeny-bit, the irreducible minimum of "respectable" almsgiving. + The <font class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font>, however, stoutly + championed the elusive little coin, for which he declared there was "an + immense demand."</p> + + <p>On Captain <font class="sc">Hambro's</font> motion deploring the + action of certain trade-unions in refusing to admit ex-Service men to + their ranks the Labour Party heard some very straight talking. The whips + of Lady <font class="sc">Bonham-Carter</font> at Paisley were nothing to + the scorpions of ex-Private <font class="sc">Hopkinson</font>, who has + actually been fined at the instance of the trade-unions because he + insisted upon employing some of his old comrades-in-arms.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Sexton's</font> rather maladroit attempt to shift + the blame on to the employers only deepened the impression that + trade-unionism is developing into a system of caste, in which certain + occupations are reserved for certain people. Only an elect bricklayer, + for example, may lay bricks—though anybody can heave them—and + the mere fact that a man has shouldered a rifle in the service of his + country in no way entitles him to carry a hod.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, February 19th.</i>—The impending advent of a Home + Rule Bill is greatly perturbing the little remnant of Irish Nationalist + Members, threatened with the extinction of their pet grievance. Although + but seven in number they made almost noise enough for seventy. + Question-time was punctuated with their plaints. The <font + class="sc">Chief Secretary</font> did his best to soothe them, but his + remark that "no man in Ireland need be in prison if he will obey the law" + poured oil on the flames.</p> + + <p>Despite the reduction of the Question-ration from eight to four per + Member, the House collectively grows "curiouser and curiouser." This is + partly due to the popularity of <font class="sc">Premier</font>-baiting, + now to be enjoyed on Mondays and Thursdays. In future, Members are to be + further restricted to three Questions <i>per diem</i>; but no substantial + relief is to be hoped for until the House sets up its own censorship, + with power to expunge all Questions that are trivial, personal or put for + purposes of self-advertisement. Not many—a dozen or two daily, + perhaps—would survive the scrutiny.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A NEW ISLE OF THE BLEST.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>The "Cubanisation" of Ireland, suggested by Mr. <font + class="sc">de Valera</font>, is being seriously discussed in Sinn Fein + circles.</i>)</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Ireland is treated like Cuba,</p> + <p class="i2">As great <font class="sc">de Valera</font> suggests,</p> + <p>And the pestilent loyalist Pooh-Bah</p> + <p class="i2">No longer our island infests,</p> + <p>The Pearl that adorns the Antilles</p> + <p class="i2">We'll speedily duplicate here,</p> + <p>From the Lough in the North, that is Swilly's,</p> + <p class="i6">Right down to Cape Clear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The militant minstrels of Tara</p> + <p class="i2">Will change their war-harps for guitars;</p> + <p>And Clare, to be called Santa Clara,</p> + <p class="i2">Will grow the most splendid cigars;</p> + <p>On the banks of the Bann the banana</p> + <p class="i2"> Will yield us its succulent fruit,</p> + <p>And the pig with the gentle iguana</p> + <p class="i6">Together will root.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our poets, both major and minor,</p> + <p class="i2">Will work the new Manganese vein,</p> + <p>And turn out a product diviner</p> + <p class="i2">Than even the Cubans obtain;</p> + <p>Limerigo, Galvejo, Doblino—</p> + <p class="i2">How lovely and noble they sound!</p> + <p>And think of Don José Devlino</p> + <p class="i6">Cavorting around!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We'll borrow a leaf from Havana;</p> + <p class="i2">We'll cultivate yuccas and yams;</p> + <p>The Curragh shall be our savannah,</p> + <p class="i2">Swept clear of all soldiers and shams;</p> + <p>And then to the cry of "Majuba"</p> + <p class="i2">We'll shatter the enemy's yoke,</p> + <p>When Ireland is governed like Cuba</p> + <p class="i6">And grows her own smoke.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>DEAD SEA FRUIT.</h2> + + <p>To-day the telephone has been installed. The members of our staff are + going about their duties in a dazed fashion, and I, to whose + single-handed tenacity the achievement is due, find myself unable in + these first full moments of triumph to concentrate on my every-day + affairs.</p> + + <p>I can still remember that fresh summer morning when with springy step + I set out to call upon the District Contract Agent for the first time. + Innocently enough I expected to arrange for the installation of a + telephone within the next two or three days. But I recollect that as I + ascended the steps of his premises I became depressed by that House of + Usher foreboding, and then, when I witnessed the way in which an + imperturbable official discomfited a tempestuous gentleman who was giving + tongue to a long list of his wrongs, my carefully rehearsed and resolute + address shrivelled on my lips <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" + id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> and I found myself asking tamely for a + form.</p> + + <p>This form, <i>plus</i> the information that telephones were more + speedily installed where ex-Service men were employed, was the net result + of my first encounter.</p> + + <p>And now, as I turn in reminiscent mood to a dusty file, I pause before + one of my early letters to the District Contract Agent: "... If you saw + our staff, who are without exception ex-soldiers, you would say at once + that they are a remarkably fine body of men and deserving of a telephone. + They mark their possessions with their initials in indelible pencil. + Between them they have seen service on every front, from Mespot to + Ireland. Some have been mentioned in despatches, many have figured in + Cox's Book of Martyrs, and our cashier <i>says</i> that he once opened a + tin of bully with the key provided for that purpose. One of our juniors, + Major Bays Waller, O.B.E., who came to us from a Control Office and who + advises us on our filing, says that it is like coming from a home to a + home. You must come round and have a chat with him; you would have + <i>so</i> much in common.</p> + + <p>"Trusting that you will expedite the little matter of our telephone + installation, and assuring you that the spirit of our staff continues to + be excellent, etc...."</p> + + <p>Although this letter was signed "Henry Thomas, James & Sons," the + District Contract Agent's vague reply on the file before me commences: + "Sir (or Madam);" and I feel now, as I did then, that it is not in the + best of taste for him to brag as he does about his telephone and his + "Private Branch Exchange" on the very paper on which he writes to baffled + applicants for installation.</p> + + <p>From this time the correspondence is marked by an increasing + bitterness on my side and a level colourlessness on his. Only once did he + assume the offensive, which took the shape of a demand for four pounds + for possible services to be rendered at some period in the future. At + Yuletide I hoped that "during this season of goodwill he would see his + way to give instructions for the installation of our telephone," and in + the New Year I played once more the ex-Service employees' + card:—"... Whatever views you may hold on the policy of the + withdrawal of British troops from Russia, we are convinced that you will + sympathise with our desire to extend a hearty welcome to a member of our + staff on his return to this office from Murmansk; and we feel that, since + he served with the R.E. Signals, it would be a graceful compliment to him + if we had the telephone installed. We therefore cordially invite your + co-operation so that this may take place before his arrival.... The idea + of installing a telephone in this office is not in itself a novel one, as + you may recollect that the suggestion has cropped up in the + correspondence that has passed between us...."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>And now, as I have said, the telephone is installed. The instrument is + fashioned in a severe style (receiver and mouth-piece mounted on an + ebonite column of the Roman Doric Order), and it stands for all to see as + a symbol that in the seclusion of our offices we are in touch with the + world at large. But as a symbol only it must remain, for the voices of + the outer world that call us up as they search for other friends or + obstruct us when we in turn are, as it were, groping after ours, have + already frayed the temper of our staff. It was inevitable that under such + constant irritation these ex-Service men of ours would one day burst into + strong military idiom, so we have disconnected our telephone in order to + avoid the calamity of losing our lady-typist.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" src="images/147.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Scene.</i>—RUNNYMEDE, 1215.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Man Wanted to lift 1,200 square yards of Turf at + once—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Before applying for the job our young friend Foozle would like to know + whether he will be required to replace the divot.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Just Like Judy.</font>"</p> + + <p>If the author of <i>Just Like Judy</i> will look into that commodious + classic, <i>Mrs. Beeton's Cookery Book</i>, he will find a formula for + light pastry. And if he will proceed to the (for him) enlivening + adventure of essaying a tartlet, he will find that most fatal among a + host of fatal errors will be any failure to preserve the due proportion + of ingredients. I do not suggest that there is as rigid a formula for + light comedy. But certainly Mr. <font class="sc">Denny</font> threw in + too many unnecessary mystifications and crude explanations in proportion + to the wit, wisdom and lively incident of his confection. In particular + he was constantly making some of his characters tell the others what we + of the audience either already knew or quite easily guessed. To exhaust + my tedious-homely metaphor, if you put in a double measure of water the + mixture will refuse to rise. And that I imagine is essentially what + happened to <i>Just Like Judy</i>.</p> + + <p>Irish <i>Judy</i>, a charmingly pretty busybody, outwardly just like + Miss <font class="sc">Iris Hoey</font>, comes to <i>Peter Keppel's</i> + studio and hears that this casual youth has got into a deplorable habit + of putting off his marriage with her friend <i>Milly</i>. She + (<i>Judy</i>) will see to that! She assumes the <i>rôle</i> of a + notorious Chelsea model, whom proper <i>Peter</i> has never seen. + <i>Peter</i> knocks his head on the mantelpiece, just where a shrapnel + splinter had hit him, and is persuaded that she, <i>Judy McCarthy</i>, + affecting to be <i>Trixie O'Farrel</i>, is his wife. It all seems very + horrible to him, but, shell-shock or no shell-shock, he sets to work to + paint her portrait in a business-like way, and at the end of four hours + it doesn't seem at all horrible. And by the time it is explained that it + was all a joke (some people do have such a nice sense of humour) he is + all for rushing off to the registry-office, <i>Judy</i> agreeing.</p> + + <p>Not that <i>Judy</i> is a minx. She did her level best to make two + people who obviously didn't love one another fulfil their engagement, + instead of, like a sensible woman, accepting the inevitable, which was, + as it happens, so congenial to her. What puzzled me was <i>Peter's</i> + indignation with poor <i>Milly</i> when he found that she really didn't + love him (but, on the contrary, a bounder called <i>Crauford</i>), yet + couldn't bear to cause him unhappiness, and was sacrificing herself for + him. As that was his attitude precisely, I suppose he felt annoyed by + this lack of originality. If we men are like that, it wasn't nice of Mr. + <font class="sc">Denny</font> to give us away.</p> + + <p>At any rate I am sure Mr. <font class="sc">Donald Calthrop</font> + didn't believe in <i>Peter</i> all the time. When he did he was very good + indeed. When he didn't he was horrid. Did Miss <font class="sc">Iris + Hoey</font> believe in <i>Judy</i>? I am not so sure. I suspect not. Did + I believe in either? I did not.</p> + + <p>I was a little surprised that Miss <font class="sc">Joan + Vivian-Rees</font> should so overplay her <i>Trixie</i>. Her work is + certainly in general not like that, and I conjecture the influence of + some baleful autocrat of a producer. It seemed to me that Miss <font + class="sc">Mildred Evelyn's</font> <i>Milly</i> was, all things + considered, a capable and consistent study of a desperately unsympathetic + character, a more difficult and creditable feat than is commonly + supposed.</p> + +<p class="author">T.</p> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Wild Geese.</font>"</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" src="images/148.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Jack Buchanan</font></i> (<i>Hon. Bill + Malcolm</i>). "<font class="sc">What's the idea? Are you by any chance + trying to give me the cold shoulder?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Miss <font class="sc">Phyllis Monkman</font></i> (<i>Violet + Braid</i>). "<font class="sc">No. I just keep on doing this for the + look of the thing.</font>"</p> + </div> + <p>I should hesitate to accuse Mr. <font class="sc">Ronald Jeans</font> + of originality in the design of his musical trifle at the Comedy. The + idea of a company of women that bans the society of men is at least as + old as the Attic stage. But it is to his credit that though the theme + invited suggestiveness he at least avoided the licence of <i>The + Lysistrata</i>. Indeed there were moments when his restraint filled me + with respectful wonder. Thus, though the Pacific Island to which the + Junior Jumper Club retired—with no male attendant but the Club + porter—clearly indicated a bathing scene, yet we had to be + satisfied with an occasional glimpse of an exiguous <i>maillot</i> with + nobody inside it.</p> + + <p>In fact, the fun throughout had a note of reserve and was never + boisterous. Mr. <font class="sc">Jack Buchanan's</font> quiet methods in + the part of the <i>Hon. Bill Malcolm</i>, universal philanderer, lent + themselves to this quality of understatement. In a scene where he tried + to extricate himself from a number of coincident entanglements with + various members of the Club he was quite amusing without the aid of + italics. Mr. <font class="sc">Gilbert Childs</font>, again, as + <i>Weekes</i>—Club porter and <i>Admirable Crichton</i> of the + island—though a little broader in his style, was too clever to + force the fun.</p> + + <p>The other sex, as was natural with women who affected a serious + purpose, had fewer chances, and Miss <font class="sc">Phyllis + Monkman</font> spoilt hers by a bad trick of hunching her shoulders and + waggling her arms as if she were out for a cake-walk on Montmartre.</p> + + <p>There were touches of humour in Mr. <font + class="sc">Cuvillier's</font> tuneful music and in the limited movements + of the best-looking chorus that I have seen for a long time.</p> + + <p>As for the plot, it had at least the merit of continuity and conformed + to the logic, seldom too severe, of this kind of entertainment, as + distinct from the so-called <i>revue</i>. Nearly everything was well + within my intelligence, the chief exception being the title; for never + surely did a wild-goose chase offer such easy sport. The birds were just + asking to be put into the bag. I should myself have preferred, out of + compliment to the chorus, to call the play "Wild Ducks," only, of course, + <font class="sc">Ibsen</font> had been there before. Not that this would + have greatly troubled an author who showed so little regard for the + proprietary rights of <font class="sc">Aristophanes</font> and Sir <font + class="sc">James Barrie</font>.</p> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>WITCHES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "'tis born in 'em maybe,</p> + <p>The same as fits an' freckles an' follerin' the sea,</p> + <p>An' ginger hair in some folks—an' likin' beer in me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "an' powerful strong ones too;</p> + <p>They'll whistle a wind from nowhere an' a storm out o' the blue</p> + <p>'Ud sink this here old hooker an' all her bloomin' crew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, rubbing his hairy chin,</p> + <p>"An' some counts witchcraft bunkum, an' some a deadly sin,</p> + <p>But—there ain't no harm as I see in standing well with a Finn."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Cynical Press.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. ——, M.P., is leaving home for a fortnight's + rest."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + +<h3>PROTECTION FROM BURGLARS.</h3> + +<p class="center">FOR IDEAL AND OTHER HOMES.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">and the patent protective stair-creak recorder is + set to the right key—</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">and the passage spring-trap adjusted to a + nicety—</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">Having seen that the front-door burglar alarm-gong + is in working order—</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-6.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">arrange your barbed-wire-entanglement rug— + </font></p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-5.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-5.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">you can just give a look at the mechanism + controlling the burglar chloroform shower—</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">and your synchronised window-catch warning system + geared properly—</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-9.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-9.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">and go to bed.</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-8.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-8.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">fix your interior bedroom-door defences— + </font></p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/149-7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149-7.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">run through your jiu-jitsu exercises according to + chart—</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + +<h3>THE INCORRIGIBLE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ernest was a sprightly youth</p> + <p>With a passion for the truth,</p> + <p>Who, the other day, began</p> + <p>His career as midshipman.</p> + <p>'Twas not in the least degree</p> + <p>Vulgar curiosity</p> + <p>Urging him to ask the reason</p> + <p>Why, both in and out of season;</p> + <p>'Twas but keenness; all he lacked</p> + <p>Was a saving sense of tact.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once the Lieut. of Ernie's watch,</p> + <p>Dour, meticulous and Scotch,</p> + <p>Thought he'd show the timid snotty</p> + <p>(Newly joined) exactly what he</p> + <p>Wanted when inspecting men.</p> + <p>Closely Ernest watched, and then</p> + <p>Said, saluting, "Sir, I note</p> + <p>Several creases in your coat,</p> + <p>And I see upon your trouser</p> + <p>Signs of paint-work; yet just now, Sir,</p> + <p>Did you not think fit to blame</p> + <p>One poor man who had the same?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ere that outraged Lieut. replied</p> + <p>Suddenly our hero spied</p> + <p>Coming aft, his labours done,</p> + <p>Our benignant Number One</p> + <p>(<i>Most</i> abstemious is he,</p> + <p>And, in fact, a strict T.T.,</p> + <p>But—it shows how Fate can blunder—</p> + <p>No one could be rubicunder.</p> + <p>Ernest, after one swift glance,</p> + <p>Said, "Excuse my ignorance,</p> + <p>But, Sir, can you tell me why</p> + <p>You are always red, while I,</p> + <p>Even when I drink a lot,</p> + <p>Only flush if I am hot?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Just as Number One grew pale</p> + <p>And collapsed against the rail,</p> + <p>Striving grimly not to choke,</p> + <p>Ernest heard the busy Bloke</p> + <p>Calling loudly, "Let her go!"</p> + <p>To a seaman down below;</p> + <p>"Fool! the cutter's bound to ram you,</p> + <p>Push the pinnace forrard, damn you!"</p> + <p>Ernest shook his youthful head</p> + <p>And he very gently said</p> + <p>Into his Commander's ear,</p> + <p>"You forget yourself, I fear.</p> + <p>May I ask what you would do</p> + <p>If I used that word to <i>you</i>?</p> + <p>Is it worthy, Sir, of an</p> + <p>Officer and gentleman?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Aft ran little Ernest, only</p> + <p>Pausing when he saw a lonely</p> + <p>Figure bright with golden lace</p> + <p>Who appeared to own the place.</p> + <p>"Ah!" thought Ernie, "I know you;</p> + <p>You're the luckless Captain who</p> + <p>(Though you hadn't then a beard)</p> + <p>Most unwillingly appeared</p> + <p>But a year ago or less</p> + <p>In the Illustrated Press."</p> + <p>"Tell me, Sir," the youngster cried,</p> + <p>Crossing to the Captain's side</p> + <p>Of the sacred quarterdeck—</p> + <p>"How did you contrive the wreck</p> + <p>Of the cruiser you commanded</p> + <p>When she bumped the beach and stranded?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You may say, "He is so brave he</p> + <p>Ought some day to rule the Navy."</p> + <p>Certainly he <i>ought</i>, but still</p> + <p>I'm afraid he never will;</p> + <p>For they talked to him so gruffly</p> + <p>And they handled him so roughly</p> + <p>That, when he was fit to drop</p> + <p>And the kindly Bloke said, "Stop!</p> + <p>Or you'll make him even madder;</p> + <p>He is wiser now and sadder,"</p> + <p>Ernest simply answered, "Ay, Sir,</p> + <p>You have <i>made</i> me sad; but why, Sir?"</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ÆQUAM MEMENTO.</h3> + + <p>"I wonder," said Mary for the third time, "if we shall catch the tram + at the other end."</p> + + <p>"Calmness," I told her—this for the second time—"is the + essence of comfortable travel. Meeting trouble half-way—"</p> + + <p>"It isn't half-way," she said indignantly. "We're nearly there."</p> + + <p>We were on a bus whose "route" terminated some five miles from home, + which we proposed to reach by a tram, and, the hour being late, it was + our chances of catching a car that were worrying Mary.</p> + + <p>"Never get flurried," I went on. "If people would only go ahead calmly + and steadily.... What causes half our traffic congestion? Flurry. What + makes it so difficult to move quickly in the streets? Flurry. What is it + clogs the wheels of progress everywhere?"</p> + + <p>"Don't tell me," she implored. "Let me guess. Flurry."</p> + + <p>"Exactly," I said, and at this point we reached our terminus. Two + trams were waiting, one behind the other, some thirty yards away, and, as + we descended the steps of the bus, the bell of the first one rang + warningly. Mary would have started running, but I detained her.</p> + + <p>"Flurrying again," I said indulgently. "Here are two trams, but of + course you must have the first one, however full it is," and I led her + towards the second. As I expected, it was quite empty, and I was still + using it to point my moral when its conductor began juggling with the + pole. It was then that I realised that, though on the down lines, this + car was going no further. It was, in fact, turning round for its journey + back to London, while in the distance the rear lights of our last down + tram seemed to wink a derisive farewell.</p> + + <p>There was nothing for it but to go ahead calmly and steadily, and we + did so. It was somewhere about the end of the fourth mile that Mary asked + suddenly:—</p> + + <p>"What was it you said clogged the wheels of progress everywhere?"</p> + + <p>"Flurry," I said feebly.</p> + + <p>"Well, <i>I</i> think it's blisters," she said.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>FILM NOTES.</h3> + + <p>Those who are still inclined to question whether the cinema is to be + regarded as a serious force in the realm of Art should not only read the + frequent contributions to <i>The Times</i> and other newspapers on this + department of the drama, but should bear in mind that quite recently it + has been stated that both the Rev. <font class="sc">Silas K. + Hocking</font> and Mr. <font class="sc">Jack Dempsey</font> have taken + part in photo-plays. It cannot be doubted that the peculiar talent + required for making the heart of the people throb is being revealed in + the most unlikely places.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>If proof were needed that the art of the film is a dangerous rival to + that of the stage, we would point to the five-reel drama, <i>The Call of + the Thug</i>, of which a private trade view was given last week. Miss + Flora Poudray, who is here featured—her name is new to + us—proves to be a screen actress of superb gifts. We have seen + nothing quite so subtly perfect as her gesture of dissent when the + villain proposes that he and she together should strangle the infant heir + to the millionaire woollen merchant on the raft during the thunder-storm. + Patrons of the cinema will do well to look out for this delicate yet + moving passage. The film will be released as early as November, 1921.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"MR. BALFOUR ON OUR WAR CRIMINALS LIST."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We simply can't believe it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The amount of coal available for home consumption last year was 4,385 + tons per head of the population."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Then somebody else must have collared our share.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Live Stock and Pets.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">General</font>, family 2; liberal wages and + outings."—<i>Liverpool Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The difficulty with "pets" of this kind is that they are hard to get + and almost impossible to keep.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"An Englishman usually finds it about as difficult to produce an R + from his thoat as to produce a rabbit from a top-hat—both feats + require practice."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>In this case we fear it can't be done, even with practice.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3> + + <p><i>Mrs. P.-W.S.</i> (<i>to P.-W.S., who has been pulled off at a + gate, consolingly</i>). "<font class="sc">Never mind, Henry; the + hunting season is nearly over, and you have the satisfaction of knowing + that you have done your duty in the station to which you have been + called.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>The publishers of <i>Peter Jackson: Cigar Merchant</i> (<font + class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) seem in their announcements to be + desperately afraid lest anyone should guess it to be a War book. It is, + they suggest, the story of the flowering of perfect love between two + married folk who had drifted apart. It is really an admirable epitome of + the War as seen through one pair of eyes and one particular temperament. + I don't recall another War novel that is so convincing. The almost + incredible confusions of the early days of the making of K.'s army; the + gradual shaping of the great instrument; the comradeship of fine spirits + and the intrigues of meaner; leadership good and less good; action with + its energy, glory and horror; reaction (with incidentally a most moving + analysis of the agonies of shell-shock and protracted neurasthenia) after + the long strain of campaigning—all this is brought before you in + the most vivid manner. Mr. <font class="sc">Gilbert Frankau</font> writes + with a fierce sincerity and with perhaps the defects of that + sincerity—a bitterness against the non-combatant which was not + usual in the fighting-man, at least when he was fighting; or perhaps it + was only that they were too kind then to say so. Also as "one of us" he + is a little overwhelmed by the sterling qualities of the + rank-and-file—qualities which ought, he would be inclined to + assume, to be the exclusive product of public-school playing-fields. I + haven't said that <i>Peter Jackson</i> gave up cigars and cigarettes for + the sword, and beat that into a plough-share for a small-holding when the + War was done. A jolly interesting book.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I found the arrangement of <i>The Clintons and Others</i> (<font + class="sc">Collins</font>) at first a little confusing, because Mr. <font + class="sc">Archibald Marshall</font>, instead of keeping his + <i>Clinton</i> tales consecutive, has mixed them democratically with the + <i>Others</i>. Our first sight of the family (and incidentally the most + agreeable thing in the volume) is provided by "Kencote," a + brightly-coloured and engaging anecdote of Regency times, and of the + plucking of an honoured house from the ambiguous patronage of the First + Gentleman in Europe. I found this delightful, spirited, picturesque and + original. Thence we pass to the <i>Others</i>, to the theme (old, but + given here with a pleasant freshness of circumstance) of maternal craft + in averting a threatened mésalliance, to a study of architecture in its + effect upon character, to a girls' school tale; finally to the portrait + of a modern <i>Squire Clinton</i>, struggling to adjust his mind to the + complexities of the War. This last, a character-study of very moving and + sympathetic realism, suffers a little from a defect inherent in one of + Mr. <font class="sc">Marshall's</font> best qualities, his gift for + absolutely natural dialogue. The danger of this is that, as here in the + bedroom chatter of the Squire's daughters, his folk are apt to repeat + themselves, as talk does in nature, but should not (I suppose) in art. + Still this is a small defect in a book that is sincere in quality and + convincingly human in effect. <i>The Clintons and Others</i> is certainly + miles away from the collections of reprinted pot-boilers that at one time + brought <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg + 160]</span> books of short stories into poor repute. Mr. <font + class="sc">Marshall</font> and Others (a select band) will rapidly + correct this by giving us in small compass work equal to their own + best.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Shuttered Doors</i> (<font class="sc">Lane</font>) is what you + might call a third-and-fourth-generation story—one of those books, + so rightly devastating to the skipper, in which the accidental turning of + two pages together is quite liable to involve you with the + great-grandchildren of the couple whose courtship you have been perusing. + Observe that I was careful to say the "accidental" turning, though I can + picture a type of reader who might soon be fluttering the pages of + <i>Shuttered Doors</i> in impatient handfuls. The fact is that Mrs. <font + class="sc">William Hicks Beach</font> has here written what is less a + novel than a treatise, tasteful, informed and sympathetic, on county life + and manners and houses. The last of these themes especially has an + undisguised fascination for her. When <i>Aletta</i>, the chief heroine, + was left pots of money by a Dutch uncle (who was so far from filling his + proverbial <i>rôle</i> that he hardly talked at all) she spent it and her + enthusiasm, indeed her existence, in restoring two variously dilapidated + mansions—Graythorpes, her husband's home, and Doller Place, left + her by an appreciative aunt. When not thus employed she would be reading + a paper on Homes (given here <i>in extenso</i>), or comparing those of + other persons with her own. I don't want you to get the impression that + <i>Shuttered Doors</i> is precisely arid; it is too full of ideas and + vitalities for that; but it does undoubtedly demand a special kind of + reader. Incidentally, Mrs. <font class="sc">Hicks Beach</font> should + revise her chronology. For <i>Aletta</i>, who was married at twenty-eight + and died at sixty-two, to have had at that time a grandson on the staff + of the Viceroy of India, he must have received his appointment before the + age of fifteen—which even in these experimental days sounds a + little premature.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Do not allow yourself to be misled by the fact that the portrait on + the paper cover of <i>Maureen</i> (<font class="sc">Jenkins</font>) does, + I admit, remarkably suggest a lady whose mission in life is the + advertisement of complexion soap. You probably know already that the + methods of Mr. <font class="sc">Patrick Macgill</font> are made of + sterner stuff. This "Story of Donegal," which I have no intention of + giving in detail, is the history of the course of true love in an Irish + village, full of types which, I dare say, are realistically observed; + verbose in places to an almost infuriating degree (not till page 61 does + the heroine so much as put her nose round the scenery), but working up to + a climax of considerable power. <i>Maureen</i>, I need hardly say, was as + fair as moonrise, but suffered from the drawback of an irregular origin, + which took the poor girl a great deal of living down. Nor need I specify + the fact that most of the male characters in the district are soon + claimants for her hand. Really this is the plot. Having betrayed so much, + however, nothing shall persuade me to expose the bogie scenes on the + midnight moor, where the villain combines his illicit whiskey manufacture + with his courtship, and where finally the three protagonists come by a + startling finish. <i>Maureen</i> is not a story that I should recommend + save for readers with abundant leisure; but those whose pluck and + endurance carry them to the kill will certainly have their reward.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>Memories of a Marine</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>) + Major-General Sir <font class="sc">George Aston</font> records for us, + cosily and anecdotally, a life spent in service, not only of the active + kind—in Egypt and South Africa—but also as a Staff College + Professor, and, more intriguingly, as an expert in Secret Intelligence in + the cloisters of Whitehall or up and down the Mediterranean. If his book + is not so sensational in the matter of revelations as the current fashion + requires, it has a restful interest all its own, varied here and there + with some very attractive stories. To give just one example, the author, + when setting out to co-ordinate the work of various authorities in a + certain harbour, found a signal buoy, a torpedo station, a fixed mine and + a boom, each under separate control, all included in the defences. But + the torpedo could not be launched unless the buoy were first cleared + away, and the mine, if fired, would blow up the boom. One would have + welcomed more of this sort of thing, for the truth is that even + restfulness may be overdone and discretion become almost too admirable. + Occasionally too the writer enlarges a little on—well, he enlarges + a little, as anyone would with half his provocation. Still, for all + comrades of his service, at any rate, every word he has written will be + of interest; and perhaps he does not really mind so much about the + general public, though he has had the good sense to crown his work with + an apposite quotation from <i>Punch</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Specials</i> (<font class="sc">Heinemann</font>) is the story + of the Metropolitan Special Constabulary, and it would have been a + thousand pities if it had not been told. Colonel <font class="sc">W.T. + Reay's</font> book will stand as a record of invaluable service performed + by a devoted body of men, service for which the whole nation—and + London in particular—has every reason to be grateful. If I + understand Colonel <font class="sc">Reay</font> rightly he doesn't wish + bouquets to be thrown at the Specials, but he would not, I think, + discourage me from saying that they performed dangerous and ticklish work + with unfailing resource and tact. All of us know that they desire no + other reward for their services than the satisfaction of having done + their duty; but our gratitude demands to be heard; and I for one take + this occasion to trumpet forth the "All clear" signal with feelings of + affectionate pride.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>If <i>By Way of Bohemia</i> (<font class="sc">Skeffington</font>) is a + fair sample of Mr. <font class="sc">Mark Allerton's</font> work I have + been missing a number of very readable stories. His hero, <i>Hugh + Kelvin</i>, a journalist (they must be rare) who had no very good conceit + of himself, married a barmaid, and she ran his house as if it were a + third-class drinking saloon. She was one of those women who for want of a + better word we call impossible; but she found <i>Hugh</i> as + unsatisfactory as he found her. In the circumstances the union had to be + dissolved, and, although I suspect Mr. <font class="sc">Allerton's</font> + tongue of being very near his cheek when he contrived <i>Hugh's</i> + escape from a life of sordid misery, I admit that his solution of the + difficulty is cleverly told. And, after all, coincidences do happen in + real life, and it would be unfair to Providence to suppose that they were + not put there for a useful purpose.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%" src="images/152.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">Come away, Robert. You don't suppose they put + cheese in there just for fun at two shillings a pound?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Gentleman washes to be received as Paying Guest."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>A very proper preliminary.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, February 25th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16509-h.htm or 16509-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/0/16509/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 11, 2005 [EBook #16509] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +February 25th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Another American," says a Washington despatch, "has been captured by +Mexicans and is being held to ransom." We deplore these pin-prick tactics. +If there is something about the United States that President CARRANZA wants +changed he should say so. + +* * * + +A contemporary states that the old theory, that when your ears burn it +means that people are talking about you, is accurate. Upon hearing this a +dear old lady at once commenced to crochet a set of asbestos ear-guards for +Mr. CHURCHILL. + +* * * + +The American gentleman who claims to have invented _revues_ is shortly +coming over to England for a holiday. Personally we should advise him to +wait until the crime wave has died down a bit. + +* * * + +It is pleasing to note that in spite of the recent spring-like weather the +POET LAUREATE is calmly keeping his head. + +* * * + +In their last Note to Holland on the subject of the ex-Kaiser's trial the +Allied Governments drop a hint that it was they and not Holland who won the +War. It is impossible to be too definite on this matter. + +* * * + +Cotton, it is announced, has gone up to tenpence a reel. The new American +whisky stands at the same figure. + +* * * + +"Boys sing automatically, like parrots," declares the choirmaster of St. +John's Church, Grimsby. His facts are wrong. The only thing automatic about +a parrot is its bite. + +* * * + +So thirsty were the Americans on board, it is stated, that on her homeward +trip the _Mauretania_ was drunk dry two days out. To remedy this +unsatisfactory state of affairs a syndicate of wealthy Americans is +understood to be formulating an offer to tow Ireland over to the New Jersey +coast if a liquor licence is granted to the tug. + +* * * + +There is no truth in the report that, as the result of a majority vote of +the Dublin Corporation, the sword and mace have been replaced by a pistol +and mitre. + +* * * + +We live in strenuous times. The MAD MULLAH has been reported in action and +Willesden has won the London Draughts' Tournament. + +* * * + +By the way, those who remember the MAD MULLAH'S earlier escapades are of +the opinion that it is high time for him to be killed again. + +* * * + +The HOME SECRETARY hopes to introduce an Anti-Firearms Bill. Under this Act +it is expected that it will be made illegal for criminals to shoot at +people into whose homes they break. + +* * * + +A postcard posted in 1888 has just been delivered to _The Leeds Mercury_, +and they ask if this is a record. Not a permanent one, if the Post Office +can help it. + +* * * + +A young lady told the Stratford magistrates that she gave up her young man +because he said he was a millionaire, and she had later learned that he was +a waiter. But there is nothing contradictory in this. + +* * * + +The ex-CROWN-PRINCE has written in the _Taegliche Rundschau_ on "How I Lost +the War." He pays a fine tribute to the British soldier, who, it appears, +helped him to lose it. + +* * * + +"How to Manage Twopenny Eggs" is the headline of a morning paper. A good +plan is to grip them firmly round the neck and wring it. + +* * * + +An article in _Tit-Bits_ tells readers how to make canaries pay. We have +felt for some time that there must be a better method than that of suing +the birds in the County Court. + +* * * + +"Useful wedding-presents are now the vogue," says a weekly journal. Only +last week we heard of a Scotsman who at a recent wedding gave the bride +away. + +* * * + +"The Jolly Bachelors" is the title of a new club at Nottingham. No attempt +has yet been made to start a Jolly Husbands' Club. + +* * * + +It is gratifying to learn that the workman who last week fell from some +scaffolding in Oxford Street, but managed to grasp a rope and hang on to it +till rescued fifteen minutes later, has now been elected an honorary member +of the Underground Travellers' Association. + +* * * + +A reader living in Hertfordshire writes to say that spring-like weather is +prevailing and that a pair of bricklayers who started building about three +weeks ago can now be seen daily sitting on three bricks which they laid +last week. + +* * * + +With such energy are the inhabitants of Leeds carrying out their campaign +against rats that it is considered unsafe for any rodent under three years +old to venture out alone after dark. + +* * * + +We are glad to learn that the Brixton lady who mislaid her husband last +week at one of these West-End bargain sales has now received him back from +the firm in fairly good condition. + +* * * + +During the recent spell of warm weather several wooden houses threw out new +shoots, some of which are already in bud. + +* * * + +We understand that the Government contemplate passing a Bill to forbid +silver-weddings unless a larger percentage of alloy is used with them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CRIME WAVE. + +_Crank_ (_enlarging upon pet theory_). "I TELL YOU, SIR, WE ARE ALL OF US +BOLSHEVISTS AT HEART. THE ONLY THING THAT'S KEEPING YOU AND ME FROM A LIFE +OF CRIME IS THE THOUGHT OF THE POLICEMAN ROUND THE CORNER."] + + * * * * * + + "How utterly unimpressive for ceremonial purposes is the ordinary + episcopal habit.... What dignity it ever possessed has been most + successfully shorn off by the merciless scissors of ecclesiastical + tailors. The history of the chimere and rochet has been truly tragic." + --_Church Paper._ + +Fortunately, the hat and gaiters do something to relieve the gloom. + + * * * * * + +CLOTHES AND THE POET. + + ["The public will welcome an announcement that the standard clothing + scheme may be revived on a voluntary basis."--_The Times_.] + + I do not ask for silk attire, + For purple, no, nor puce; + The only wear that I require + Is something plain and loose, + A quiet set of reach-me-downs for serviceable use. + + For these, which I must have because + The honour of the Press + Compels me, by unwritten laws, + To clothe my nakedness, + Four guineas is my limit--more or (preferably) less. + + Let others go in Harris tweeds, + Men of the leisured sort; + Mine are the modest, homely needs + That with my state comport; + I am a simple labouring man whose work is all his sport. + + I covet not the gear of those + Who neither toil nor spin; + I merely want some standard clo's + To drape my standard skin, + Wrought of material suitable for writing verses in. + + Something that won't pick up the dust + When rhymes refuse to flow; + And roomy, lest the seams be bust + Should the afflatus blow-- + Say five-and-forty round the ribs and rather more below. + + For poets they should stock a brand + To serve each type's behest-- + Pastoral, epic, lyric--and + An outer size of chest + For those whose puffy job it is to build the arduous jest. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE WOLF AND THE LAMB. + +(_An imaginary conversation._) + + [In his lecture at the Royal Institution, to which Mr. Punch recently + referred, Mr. ALFRED NOYES said that "our art and literature were + increasingly Bolshevik, and if they looked at the columns of any + newspaper they would see the unusual spectacle of the political editor + desperately fighting that which the art and literary portions of the + paper upheld."] + +SCENE.--_A Club-room near Fleet Street. The_ Political Editor _and the_ +Literary Editor _of "The Daily Crisis" are discovered seated in adjoining +armchairs_. + +_Political Editor._ Excuse me, but haven't I seen you occasionally in _The +Crisis_ office? + +_Literary Editor._ Possibly. I look after its literary pages, you know. + +_P.E._ Really? I run the political columns. Did you read my showing-up this +morning of the Bolshevik peril in the House of Lords? + +_L.E._ I'm afraid I never read the political articles. Did you notice my +two-column boom of young Applecart's latest book of poems? + +_P.E._ No time to read the literary columns, and modern poetry's as good as +Chinese to me. Who's Applecart? + +_L.E._ My dear Sir, is it possible that you are unfamiliar with the author +of _I Will Destroy_? He's the hope of the future as far as English poetry +is concerned. + +_P.E. (cheerfully)._ Never heard of him. What's he done? + +_L.E. (impressively)._ He has overthrown all the rules, not only of art, +but of morality. He has created a new Way of Life. + +_P.E._ Can't see that that's anything to shout about. What's his platform, +anyway? + +_L.E._ Platform? To anyone who has tho slightest acquaintance with +Applecart the very idea of a platform is fantastic. He doesn't stand; he +soars. + +_P.E._ Well, what are his _views_, then? Pretty tall, I suppose, if he's +such a high flier. + +_L.E._ You may well say so. In the first place he discards all the old +artistic formulae. + +_P.E._ I know; you write a solid slab of purple prose, scissor it into a +jig-saw puzzle, serve it with a dazzle dressing and call it the New Poetry. + +_L.E._ Have your joke, if you will. But, more important still, Applecart is +a rebel against humanity and all its fetishes, social, ethical and +political. + +_P.E. (startled)._ A Bolshie, I suppose you mean? + +_L.E._ The artist is proof against all these vulgar terms of abuse, culled +from the hustings. Call him a Pussyfoot as well; you cannot shake him from +his pinnacle. + +_P.E._ Yes, but look here--he's just the sort of pernicious agitator we're +out against in _The Crisis_--at least in my department. My special article +this morning--three thickly-leaded columns--actually revealed the existence +of a most insidious plot to undermine the restraining influence of the +House of Lords by the spread of Bolshevik propaganda masquerading as +literature. You see, there's a certain section of the Lords, mainly new +creations who've only recently been released from various employments, who +now for the first time in their lives have leisure for reading; then +there's the spread of education among the sporting Peers. Well, these +people are ready to succumb to all sorts of poisonous doctrines, if they're +served up in what I presume to be the fashionable mode of the moment; and I +expect your precious Applecart is one of the Bolsh agents who are laying +the trap. You'll have to stop booming him, you know. He's not doing the +paper any good. + +_L.E._ My dear Sir, literature takes no account of the fads and fancies of +party politics. And I gather from you that party politics have no use for +literature except from a propagandist view. Let us be content to go our own +ways in peace. + +_P.E._ Yes, that's all very well for you and me, but what about the Chief? +How does he reconcile these absolutely conflicting standpoints? And what +does the public think of it all? + +_L.E. (confidentially)._ Between you and me, the Chief knows his public. +And the public knows its papers. The last thing it wants from us is +consistency, which is always boring. Besides (_still more confidentially_), +the public doesn't take us quite so seriously as we like to pretend. + +_P.E._ H'm, maybe you're right. As a matter of fact (_lowering his voice_) +I sometimes think I'm a bit of a Socialist myself. + +_L.E._ Really? As for me (_conspiratorially_), I adore TENNYSON, and EZRA +POUND fills me with a secret wrath. Still, the public-- + +_P.E._ Ah, the public--! Have a drink? + + [_They pledge each other. NOYES without. They disperse hurriedly._ + + * * * * * + + "In view of the serious shortage of female help, the United Boards of + Trade of Western Ontaria have been discussing proposals to encourage + the immigration of young women from Great Britain."--_Morning Paper_. + +And have apparently feminized the Province in advance. + + * * * * * + + "If the Archdeacon of Coventry is correct in stating, as he did in + Convocation, that the word 'tush' found in the Psalter means 'bosh,' it + must in this sense be what the classical dons call a 'hapslegomenon'." + --_Evening Standard_. + +Which, again, must be what the classical undergraduates call a "slipsus +languae." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IRREMOVABLES. + +TURKEY (_to his old patron in Holland_). "SO, WE'RE BOTH REMAINING, WHAT?" + +VOICE FROM THE OTHER END. "YES, BUT _YOU_'VE GOT TO BEHAVE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Angry Father (of the Old School)._ "I SHALL CUT YOU OFF +WITH A SHILLING!" + +_The Prodigal._ "NOT ONE OF THE NEW NICKEL THINGS, I HOPE, FATHER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +Cecilia was knitting by the fire. + +"What on earth have you two been doing?" she asked as we came in. "John +looks as if he'd been in a boiler explosion." + +"Hardly that," I said. "We've been playing with Chris--haven't we, John?" + +John gasped. + +"No, we haven't," he said. "On the contrary, _they_ have been playing with +_me_, Cecilia." + +"Well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?" said Cecilia. "Anyhow, I heard +_you_ making a most frightful row." + +"Of course I was making a row. So would you make a row if people suddenly +mistook you for a Teddy Bear or something and started bunging you about the +room." + +"I haven't the least idea what you're talking about," said Cecilia, "but I +think you're being intensely vulgar." + +"Vulgar! 'Vulgar,' she says." He laughed bitterly. "You'd be vulgar too if +you'd had that great hulking brute" (he pointed at me) "sitting on the +small of your back, and a hooligan of a boy--" + +Cecilia sat up and took notice. + +"Hooligan!" she said, "Hooligan! Who's a Hooligan?" + +"Sh! sister," I murmured. "You'll strain the epiglottis." + +John turned on me savagely. + +"You keep quiet. It isn't your epi--epi--what you said--and, anyway, can't +I even have a quiet row with my own wife without--" + +"John, calm yourself," said Cecilia crushingly. "Alan, tell me what you've +been doing." + +"Yes," muttered John, "tell her." He subsided into an armchair. + +"Well," I said, "you see, Christopher and I were up in the nursery and +getting on quite all right when John butted in--" + +"I simply opened--" + +"John, keep quiet," said his wife. "Well, Alan?" + +"Well, the fact is, Chris and I were in the middle of a great war with all +his soldiers. I had just firmly established fire superiority and was +actually on the verge of launching a huge offensive--the one that was going +to win the war, in fact--when, as I said, in butted this great clumsy +elephant and knocked half of Christopher's army over." + +"Purely an accident," said John. + +"_Will_ you keep quiet, or must I make you?" asked Cecilia. + +"Well, of course," I went on, "finding ourselves suddenly attacked by a +common foe, Chris and I naturally joined forces to defend ourselves." + +"Defend!--" shrieked John. "No, I won't keep quiet another second. Defend! +Why, they rushed at me like a couple of wild hyenas." + +"My dear John," said Cecilia, "_you_ attacked them first, and of course +they defended themselves as best they could." + +"Precisely," I said. + +"After all, John," said Cecilia, "you ought to be glad your son is so ready +to look after himself, instead of calling him a hooligan. You're always +shouting about the noble art of self-defence." + +"Noble art of self-defence _rot_," said John. "There's nothing in the noble +art about pushing lead soldiers down a man's neck." + +"Down your neck?" said Cecilia. + +"Yes," said John. "I keep trying to tell you and you won't let me. That +brute sat on the small of my back while Christopher pushed 'em down. The +little beasts all had their bayonets fixed, too." + +Cecilia and I laughed. + +"Yes, laugh," said John bitterly. "It _is_ funny that our child should be +growing up a Bolshevist; trying to flay his own father. He'll be setting +fire to the cat in a week and then you'll have another laugh." + +"John," shrieked Cecilia, "how dare you? If you say another word about the +darling--" + +The door opened and Christopher came into the room. + +He seemed to have washed his face or something. Anyway, he looked quite a +little angel and that's hardly--however. + +"I shall tell Chris what you've been saying," said Cecilia. + +John jumped. + +"No, no, Cecilia," he said in a strangled voice. "Don't betray me. I--I'm +sorry; I withdraw everything. Cecilia, save me. Think of our courting days; +remember--" + +"Christopher," said Cecilia clearly, "you see your father? Go and pull his +last remaining hairs out." + +Christopher looked at her in amazement. Then he walked over to John, +climbed on his knee and put an arm round his neck. + +"I wouldn't hurt you, dear old Dad, would I?" he asked affectionately, +looking at his mother in pained surprise. + +John positively gasped with relief. + +"Dear old Chris," he said. + +"Oh, you hypocrite!" said Cecilia. + +"Coward!" said I. + +I was sitting on one of those dumpy hassock sort of things. John looked +down at me vindictively for a moment and then a horrid smile started +spreading about his nasty face. + +"Christopher," he said very gently, "wouldn't it be a good thing if we +pushed Uncle Alan over and knocked his slippers off, and then I'll sit on +him while you tickle his feet?" + +Now it sounds silly, but a cold prespiration came over me. Being tickled is +so hopelessly undignified. And, anyhow, I simply can't stand it on the +feet. + +"John," I said severely, "don't be absurd." + +Christopher gurgled. + +"He's afraid," he said. "Come on, Dad." + +I saw that they really meant it, and I can only suppose that I was carried +away by one of those panics that you read of as attacking the bravest at +times. Anyhow, quite suddenly I found myself moving rapidly round the +table, out of the door and up the stairs. Halfway up I stopped to listen. +Cecilia and John were laughing loudly and coarsely and Christopher was +chanting "Uncle's got the wind up" in a piercing treble. Not at all a nice +phrase for a small boy to have on his tongue. + +It was all very galling for one who has fought and, I may say, bled for his +country. I almost decided to go back and fight if necessary. Then I heard a +stage-whisper from Christopher: + +"Let's creep upstairs after him and tickle him to death. Shall we, Dad?" + +Sheer hooliganism. It was impossible to fight with honour against such +opponents. I disdained to try. I went hastily up the remaining stairs and +locked myself in my room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Straphanger (to lady who has been standing on his +toes for a considerable time)._ "PARDON ME, MADAM, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO GET +OFF HERE--THIS IS AS FAR AS I GO."] + + * * * * * + +THE INTERNATIONALIST. + +"What on earth," I said to the waiter, who was standing a few yards off, +lost in a pensive dream of his native land--Switzerland, France, Italy?-- +well, anyhow, lost in a pensive dream--"what on earth is a Petrograd +steak?" + +The white napkin whisked like the scut of a rabbit, and he bounded to my +side. "Eet is mince-up," he said melodramatically. "Ze Petrograd steak ver +good. Two minute--mince-up." + +"But isn't that a Vienna steak?" I asked. + +A spasm of pain passed over his face. "Before ze War," he whispered, "yes, +Vienna steak. Now we call it ze Petrograd. You vill have one? Yes? Two +minute." + +Memories came flooding back of that moment of crisis which had found so +many of our trusted statesmen ill-prepared, but, terrible as it was, had +not caught the managers of London restaurants napping. I remembered the +immense stores of Dutch lager beer which they had so providentially and so +patriotically held in anticipation of the hour of need. Dutch beer, both +light and dark, so that inveterate drinkers of Munich and Pilsener were +enabled to face Armageddon almost without a jerk. They had other things +ready too--Danish _pate de fois gras_, Swiss liver sausages, Belgian +pastries and the rest. It was in that dark hour, I suppose, that the Vienna +steak set its face towards the steppes. But this was in 1914, and a good +deal had happened since then. It appeared to me that the restaurant was not +exactly _au courant_ with international complications and the gastronomic +consequences of the Peace. I felt entitled to further illumination. + +"I don't feel at all certain," I told the man, "that I ought to eat a +Petrograd steak. Is it a white steak?" + +"Ah, no, not vite, not vite at all," he assured me. "Eet is underdone--not +much, but a little underdone. Ver good mince-up." + +"I absolutely refuse to eat a Red Petrograd steak," I declared. "Have you +by any chance anything Jugo-Slavian on the menu?" + +"Zere is ze jugged hare--" + +"I think you misunderstand me," I interrupted; "this is a point of +principle with me. Supposing I consume this Czecho-Slovakian mince-up and +then have a piece of Stilton; there has been no war with Stilton, I +fancy--" + +"Ver good, ze Stilton," interjected the chorus. + +"And coffee--' + +"Turkish coffee?" he said. + +"There you go again," I grumbled. "Whatever my attitude may be towards +Vienna and Petrograd (and, mind you, I am not feeling at all bitter towards +Vienna), my relations with Turkey are most certainly strained." + +"No, not strained, ze Turkish coffee," he cried eagerly; "eet has ze +grounds." + +"So have I," I told him; "we will call it the Macedonian coffee. It is you +who insisted in obtruding these international relations on my simple lunch, +and I mean to do the thing thoroughly. Better a dish of Croat Serbs where +love is than a bifteck Petrograd--Never mind, go and get the thing." + +When he returned with it I fell to, but my thoughts remained with the +waiter. What a man! With his dispassionate judgment, his calm sane outlook +on men and affairs, shaken a little perhaps in 1914, but since then +undisturbed, was he not cut out above all others to settle the vexed +frontier lines of Europe? I wondered whether Lord ROBERT CECIL might not +possibly make use of him. I was tempted to try him still further. + +"Have you ever heard of Mr. J.M. KEYNES?" I asked him when he brought me +the Bessarabian coffee. + +"Mr. KEYNES I not know. He not come here, I zink." + +"Or the Treaty of London?" + +"I vill ask ze manager." + +"Or President WILSON?" + +A brilliant smile of illumination lit up his features. + +"American, is he not?" he said. "Ver reech, ze Americans." + +This saddened me a little. He was not then absolutely complete. There was a +faint tarnish on the lustre of his innocence. He was scarcely perhaps +suited for the League of Nations after all. Lighting an Albanian cigarette +I asked him for my bill. + + * * * * * + +THINKING ALOUD. + +LORD HALDANE _loquitur_. + + "Tired of laborious days and nights + Spent on the intellectual heights, + I long to raise and educate + The masters of the future State. + Besides, the people in the plains + Are lamentably short of brains, + And I have even more than KEYNES. + Already in _The Herald's_ page + Am I acclaimed as seer and sage; + Mine be it then to teach my neighbour + To quit the lowly rut of Labour, + And scale the heights of Pisgah, Nebo, + Or some equivalent gazebo, + For even Labour must afford + To keep one competent Law Lord." + + * * * * * + + "WAR CRIMINALS DEMAND TO BE SUSPENDED."--_Evening Paper._ + +Too good to be true. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +A YOUNG GIRL HAS THE TEMERITY TO BRING A CHAPERON TO A DANCE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"THIS IS WHERE HE SWIMS THE RAPIDS. HOW SHALL WE SEND HIM--UP OR DOWN?"] + + * * * * * + +COX AND BOX. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let us talk _Haute Finance_. In other words, let us +indulge in that good old Anglo-Saxon pastime of blackguarding COX AND CO. +It will remind us of the piping days of war. There is too much peace about, +and the gentle and ever-forgiving COX AND CO. expect their customers to be +men of force and character, showing temper from time to time. Everybody +else may be demobilised; I remain a soldier, and as such I have my special +bank. Ah, me! the battles in Charing Cross are not the easy things they +used to be. No longer, as of old, I come fresh to the attack against a mere +underling, worn down by the assaults of wave after wave of brother-officers +attacking, before me. I enter the Territorial Department alone and am taken +on by a master-hand, supported and flanked by a number of unoccupied +subordinates. About the Spring of 1925, when I expect to be the only "T" +left, I anticipate the decisive moment when I shall cross swords or swop +bombs with Sir COX himself. Having bravely encountered "AND CO." these many +years, I shall not be daunted by that gilded knight. + +The war having once put me in possession of my COX AND CO., I had very +frequent recourse to them when in need of such solace as only money can +bring. The time arrived when I applied in vain; the money had disappeared. +Though I had no reason to suspect COX AND CO. of being dishonest I noticed +a tone of assuredness and self-complacency in their letters strangely +similar to that in my own, and I _knew_ that I was being dishonest, so I +demanded to see my pass-book. It was a horrid sight, and it gave me +seriously to think. How came it that the side of the book which showed my +takings was so clear and easily to be understood, but the side which showed +their takings wrapt in mystery and hieroglyphics such as not even the +world's leading financiers and mathematicians could hope to unravel? My +subaltern, being consulted, agreed with me; I would have had him carpeted +by the C.O. at once if he hadn't. + +I stepped round to COX AND CO. and had it out with them verbally. After a +discussion lasting half-an-hour, it was shown that I had been credited with +a week's pay to which I wasn't entitled and that a month's income-tax, to +which a grasping Government _was_ entitled, had not been deducted. I left +the building ninety-three shillings worse off than I entered it. + +I gave COX AND CO. six months to go wrong in, and then called for that +pass-book again. My eye fell upon a paying and deducting and refunding and +readjusting of an item itself so shameful that it dared only appear under +its initials. Why this oscillation? I asked myself. So we engaged upon +another correspondence, and another interview took place, at which I was +supported by my subaltern (who could multiply and add), and the bank-man +was supported by a young lady (who could divide and subtract). At the end +of a passionate discussion, which lasted fifty-seven minutes (forty-five of +them being after closing time) the conclusion was arrived at that the total +was correct to a halfpenny. Even COX AND CO. themselves were a bit +surprised at that. + +Years passed, and there was no doubt about it; the money continued to +disappear. Trusting that COX AND CO. were now lulled into a feeling of +false security I tried a surprise reconnaissance. I dropped in on them +without warning and asked to see that pass-book then and there. They +searched high and low, but they couldn't find it. I, on the other hand, +found it quite easily, when I searched amongst my papers at home. To me +this proved that I was the better searcher. My subaltern, however, would +have it that the circumstances gave me no right of action against COX AND +CO. His sympathies were clearly with them, so I requested him kindly to get +on with his own work and not to interfere further in my private affairs. He +went away in a huff, got demobilised and, I have little doubt, married the +young lady who divided and subtracted and, with her, set up a bank of his +own. I devoted my young life to the search for some person, firm or +corporation, expert in pass-books, haughty of demeanour, capable of getting +blood out of a stone and not likely to give even the devil his due; I +wanted such an ally for the next assault. + +I have always remained a civilian, and as such have retained my other +banker. A man of unlimited possessions, I may state accurately that I have +to-day no fewer than two banks of my own. Let us call this other one Box +and Co. That is not the real name, but it is as far as I dare go to refer +to them, even under an assumed name. Years of stern handling by them have +taken all the spirit out of me. It is as much as I can do to screw up my +courage so far as to ask the loan of a pound or two of my own money off +them. And there have been times, in the pre-1914 past, when I have felt it +would be better to go without money than to have the stuff thrown at me, +shovelled at me in that contemptuous offhand manner. I now repaired in +person to the premises of Box and Co., with their handsome marble facade +and their costly mahogany fittings, and had a word with Mr. Box himself. A +little artful flattery, a few simple lies and just a touch of ginger in the +matter of professional competition, and Box and Co. were brought into the +war. I handed them COX AND CO.'s pass-book and told them that now was their +time to go in and win. + +I used to look in every other day to see how the struggle went. At first +Box and Co. were confident, remarking on my wisdom in placing myself (and +my pass-book) in such competent hands as theirs. But as the correspondence +went on their enthusiasm wore off; Mr. Box gave vent to observations +reflecting ill on the Army system of pay, on the Army itself, even on that +part of it which was me. Had it not been that the pride of Box and Co. was +involved, I believe they would have gone to London in a body, there to form +a lifelong friendship with COX AND CO., out of pure fellow-feeling. But I +have hinted that Box and Co. were a cold inhuman institution, whose +business in life it was to do people down, or go down itself. And so COX +AND CO. had to be for it. Eventually, in the late winter of 1919, Box and +Co. extracted from COX AND CO. the admission that a five had been mistaken +for a three, and I had been done out of twopence, an affair all the more +gross in that it had happened as long ago as the early spring of 1915, and +never a word of remorse meanwhile! A conclusion by which neither Box nor +COX was really satisfied, but which, for me, was enough. We English may +only win one battle in a war, but that battle is the last. + +Possibly, my dear Charles, you have a soft spot in your heart for this COX +AND CO., never failing in courtesy and attention and ever heaped with +abuse? So, to be frank, have I. Let us turn round and blackguard the other +fellow. The sequel is incredible. + +I next handed my Box and Co. pass-book to COX AND CO., giving them a brief +and touching _resume_ of my sad story of wrong and oppression, and bidding +them do their damnedest in their turn. They wrote to Box and Co.: "Our +customer, your customer, we may say THE customer, Second-Lieutenant, +Brevet-Lieutenant, Temporary Captain, Acting Major, Local Colonel, Aspiring +General (entered in your books as plain Mister) Henry Neplusultra, informs +us that, though he has banked with you since the first sovereign he earned +at his baptism, he has been so frowned at and scorned as to have been +rendered morally unable to handle his current balance. He instructs us...." + +But why relate the story in all its grim horror? Enough to say that so +successfully did COX AND CO. pursue their instructions that they discovered +a credit balance in my favour of 14s. 3d.; so politely and firmly did they +conduct the correspondence that eventually Box and Co. burst into tears, +admitted the claim and, upon my calling the other day personally to receive +satisfaction, handed me the 14s. 3d. with a deferential bow. If you doubt +the truth of this statement you have only to come round to my place, where +you can see for yourself the threepence, which is still in my possession. + +Yours ever, + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fusser._ "I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW JUST HOW MUCH THIS TRAIN IS +OVERDUE." + +_Cynic._ "A WATCH AIN'T NO GOOD--WHAT YOU WANT IS A HALMANACK."] + + * * * * * + +DAY BY DAY IN THE WORLD OF CRIME. + +(_By a well-known Professor of Larceny._) + +In these days when robbery with violence is an everyday occurence, few +people will trust themselves alone in railway carriages. Imagine, +therefore, my surprise, not unmingled with pleasure, on seeing a somewhat +pompous-looking individual, with the circumference and watch-chain of the +successful merchant, sitting alone in a first-class carriage on the +suburban up-line from Wallingford. I always travel from Wallingford, as it +is the one station on the line at which you are not required to show a +ticket on entry. Accordingly I entered the old gentleman's carriage, took +his ticket, and offered him a cigarette, which he accepted. I then opened +the conversation. + +"I wonder you wear your watch-chain so prominently," I remarked, +"especially during the present vogue of crime--so tempting, you know." + +"Ah!" he said, "so you may think; but, being a bit of a criminologist, I +have arranged that as a little trap. It is my belief that the pickpocket, +foiled in one particular, never attempts to rob his victim in any other +way. Now this chain cost me precisely ninepence. It is weighted at each end +with a piece of lead, which gives an appearance of genuineness to the +watch-pocket. I am heavily armed, in case he should attempt violence." + +It was here that I removed his pocket-book and slipped it into my +great-coat. Not daring to examine it openly, I fingered it cautiously, and +felt the stiff softness of bank-notes. I was so carried away with pleasure +that I was quite surprised to hear his voice returning from a distance. + +"As for my ticket," he continued, "that is a single from Wallingford to the +next station, Sadlington; it is two years old. My season I keep inside the +lining of my hat." + +It was here that I returned the ticket to his pocket. After all, I +reflected, I could pay at the other end with a very small portion of the +contents of the pocket-book, which I reckoned must contain at least +half-a-dozen fivers. + +"By the way," he added, "I have a passion for biscuits; will you join me in +one?" and he proffered a small tin. "I eat so many of them," he said, "that +I can write all my memoranda on the slips of paper from the tins, and these +I keep in my pocket-book. My money I keep next my season." + +It was here that I returned the pocket-book. + + * * * * * + +"THE OPTIMISTIC WAITERS. + + 'SOON WE SHALL GO BARK TO OUR WORK TRIUMPHANTLY.'"--_Evening Paper._ + +We hope that in the case of certain restaurants the bark will not be so bad +as the bite. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_who has something in her eye_). "IT'S STILL VERY +SORE, MUMMY. SHALL I GARGLE IT?"] + + * * * * * + +THE DEAD TREE. + + (_Being a terrible result of reading too much poetry in the modern + manner._) + + Slushy is the highway between the unspeakable hedges; + I pause + Irresolute under a telegraph-pole, + The fourteenth telegraph-pole on the way + From Shere to Havering, + The twenty-first + From Havering to Shere. + + Crimson is the western sky; upright it stands, + The solitary pole, + Sombre and terrible, + Splitting the dying sun + Into two semi-circular halves. + I do not think I have seen, not even in Vorticist pictures, + Anything so solitary, + So absolutely nude; + Yet this was an item once in the uninteresting forest, + With branches sticking out of it, and crude green leaves + And resinous sap, + And underneath it a litter of pine spindles + And ants; + Birds fretted in the boughs and bees were busy in it, + Squirrels ran noisily up it; + Now it is naked and dead, + Delightfully naked + And beautifully dead. + + Delightfully and beautifully, for across it melodiously, + Stirred by the evening wind, + The wires where electric messages are continually being despatched + Between various post-offices, + Messages of business and messages of love, + Rates of advertisements and all the winners, + Are vibrating and thrumming + Like a thousand lutes. + + Is the old grey heart of the telegraph pole stirred by these messages? + I fancy not. + Yet it all seems very strange; + And even stranger still, now that I notice it, + Is the fact that the thing is after all not absolutely naked, + For a short way up it, half obliterated with age, + Discoloured and torn, + Fastened on by tintacks, + There is a paper _affiche_ + Relating to swine fever. + + The sun sinks lower and I pass on, + On to the fifteenth pole from Shere to Havering, + And the twentieth + From Havering to Shere; + It is even more naked and desolate than the last. + I pause (as before).... + + [_Author._ We can start all over again now if you like. _Editor._ I + don't like.] + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +"HOPS. + + CANTERBURY, Saturday.--Trade was quiet, with prices steady, as follows: + --Kent mixed fleeces, 36d; lambs' wool, 22d to 24d; downs, 41d to 42d; + and half-bred fleeces, 38d to 39d per lb."--_Financial Paper._ + +This may help to explain the taste of "Government ale." + + * * * * * + + "By systematic and scientific training is it possible to produce that + perfect type of manhood gifted with the best powers of what we are wont + to call the 'lower orders of creation'--keen sighted and swift of + motion as a bird, sharp-scented as a greyhound, faithful and acute as a + dog, and full of sentient wisdom as an elephant."--_Daily Paper._ + +We are doubtful about the rest, but the greyhound part should be quite +easy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL EURYTHYMICS. + +AN ALLIED _PAS DE TROIS_ AND AN "ASSOCIATED" _PAS SEUL_.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Ko-ko_ (_Sir GORDON HEWART_). "PARDON ME, BUT THERE I AM +ADAMANT."] + +_Monday, February 16th._--The great AUCKLAND still reposes a touching faith +in the Profiteering Act. In his opinion it "has had a stabilising effect on +the price of clothing;" by which he means, I suppose, that West-End tailors +long ago nailed their high prices to the mast-head. + +In commending the Bill for the continuance of D.O.R.A., a _remanet_ from +last Session, the ATTORNEY-GENERAL was almost apologetic. He laid much +stress upon the "modest and attenuated form" which the measure now +presented, and the short time it was to remain in force. Serious objection +was taken by the Irish Members to the provision that in districts where a +proclamation is in force the D.O.R.A. regulations, instead of coming to an +end on August 31st, will continue for a year after the end of the War. This +they naturally interpreted as a means of continuing the military government +of Ireland, a country in which, according to Mr. DEVLIN, the Government had +as much right as the Germans in Belgium. The House, however, seemed to +agree with the Irish Attorney-General that in the present state of Ireland +it would not be wise to dispense with the regulations, and gave the Bill a +second reading by 219 votes to 61. + +Then the House turned to the discussion of the levy on capital. The +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was still inexorably opposed to a general levy, +but would like a toll on war-wealth alone, and proposed to set up a +Committee to consider whether it was practicable. Mr. ADAMSON frankly +declared that the Labour Party was in favour of a capital levy, but wanted +to get at the war-profits first. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN objected to widening the +scope of the inquiry on the ground that it would take too long, and also +that uncertainty would promote extravagance and discourage saving. And, +despite Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY'S naive suggestion that we should +restore credit by making a bonfire of paper-money--he did not say +whose--the House agreed with the CHANCELLOR. + +[Illustration: COLONEL AMERY CRUSOE RETURNS FROM A SUCCESSFUL DAY WITH HIS +MAN FRIDAY.] + +_Tuesday, February 17th._--The Acting Colonial Secretary bubbled over with +delight as he described the success of the operations against the +Somaliland dervishes. The principal credit was due to the Royal Air Force, +but the native levies had also done their part effectively. The only fly in +Colonel AMERY'S ointment was the escape of that evasive gentleman, the +MULLAH, to whom he was careful on this occasion not to apply the epithet +"Mad." As, however, the MULLAH has lost all his forces, all his stock and +all his belongings, it is hoped that it will be at any rate some time +before he pops up again. + +The Coal Mines Bill was wisely entrusted to Mr. BRIDGEMAN. Lord SPENCER +once delighted the House of Commons by announcing that he was "not an +agricultural labourer"; and Mr. BRIDGEMAN similarly put it in a good temper +by admitting that he had never himself worked in a mine. But he showed +quite a sufficient acquaintance with his subject, and succeeded in +dispelling some of the fog that enshrouds the figures of coal-finance. The +miners, of course, objected to the Bill on the ground that it was not +nationalisation, but were left in a very small minority. + +A Private Members' debate on the Housing Problem occupied the evening. +There was much friendly criticism of the MINISTER OF HEALTH, for whom Major +LLOYD GREAME suggested a motto from the _Koran_:-- + + "This life is but a bridge; + Let no man build his house upon it." + +But the lapse of time is gradually bringing performance nearer to promise, +and Dr. ADDISON was able to announce that over one hundred thousand houses +were now "in the tender stage." Let us hope no bitter blast will nip them +in the bud. + +_Wednesday, February 18th._--The Lords returned to work after their week's +holiday in a rather gloomy mood. By some occult process of reasoning Lord +PARMOOR has convinced himself that the distress in Central Europe is +largely the fault of the Peace Conference. He was supported by Lord BRYCE, +who declared that the "Big Four" approached the business of Treaty-making +in a German rather than an English spirit (which sounds as if he thought +they never meant to keep it), and by Lord HALDANE, who, _more suo_, accused +the negotiators of having shown "no adequate prevision." Lord CRAWFORD +dealt pretty faithfully with the cavillers and pointed out that this +country had already spent twelve millions on relieving European distress, +and was prepared to spend nearly as much again when the United States was +ready to co-operate; but at present, he reminded them, that country was +still in a state of war with Germany. + +The one bright spot of the sitting was Lord HYLTON'S statement that the +National Debt, which was within a fraction of eight thousand millions on +December 31st, had since been reduced by eighty-five millions. The pace is +too good to last, but it is something to have made a start. + +For nearly four years we have been anxiously waiting to know what really +did happen at the battle of Jutland. The voluminous efforts of Admirals and +journalists have failed to clear up the mystery, and even Commander CARLYON +BELLAIRS has not satisfied everybody so completely as himself that his +recent work reveals the truth. But now the official history is on the eve +of publication and Mr. LONG no longer feels it necessary to keep the +secret. Here it is in his own words: "The _moral_ of the German fleet was +very seriously shaken." What a relief! + +It seems that the Turks were informed in advance of the intention of the +Peace Conference to let them stay at Constantinople in the hope that they +would forthwith abandon their sanguinary habits. Instead of which they +appear to have said to themselves, "What a jolly day! Let us go out and +kill something--Armenians for choice." So now a further message has been +sent to them to the effect that the new title to the old tenement is not +absolute but conditional, and that one of the covenants forbids its use as +a slaughterhouse. + +[Illustration: TAKING THE OFFERTORY. + +_MR. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN_ (_as Sidesman_). "THE THREEPENNY-BIT IS +ECONOMICAL, PERHAPS; BUT A DESIRABLE COIN, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, IT IS +NOT."] + +A modest little Bill empowering the Mint to manufacture coins worth +something less than their weight in silver aroused the wrath of Professor +OMAN. The last time, according to his account, that the coinage was thus +debased was in the days of HENRY VIII., whose views both on money and +matrimony were notoriously lax. Other Members were friendly to the project, +and Mr. DENNIS HERBERT, in the avowed interest of churchwardens, urged the +Government to seize the opportunity to abolish the threepeeny-bit, the +irreducible minimum of "respectable" almsgiving. The CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER, however, stoutly championed the elusive little coin, for which +he declared there was "an immense demand." + +On Captain HAMBRO'S motion deploring the action of certain trade-unions in +refusing to admit ex-Service men to their ranks the Labour Party heard some +very straight talking. The whips of Lady BONHAM-CARTER at Paisley were +nothing to the scorpions of ex-Private HOPKINSON, who has actually been +fined at the instance of the trade-unions because he insisted upon +employing some of his old comrades-in-arms. + +Mr. SEXTON'S rather maladroit attempt to shift the blame on to the +employers only deepened the impression that trade-unionism is developing +into a system of caste, in which certain occupations are reserved for +certain people. Only an elect bricklayer, for example, may lay bricks-- +though anybody can heave them--and the mere fact that a man has shouldered +a rifle in the service of his country in no way entitles him to carry a +hod. + +_Thursday, February 19th._--The impending advent of a Home Rule Bill is +greatly perturbing the little remnant of Irish Nationalist Members, +threatened with the extinction of their pet grievance. Although but seven +in number they made almost noise enough for seventy. Question-time was +punctuated with their plaints. The CHIEF SECRETARY did his best to soothe +them, but his remark that "no man in Ireland need be in prison if he will +obey the law" poured oil on the flames. + +Despite the reduction of the Question-ration from eight to four per Member, +the House collectively grows "curiouser and curiouser." This is partly due +to the popularity of PREMIER-baiting, now to be enjoyed on Mondays and +Thursdays. In future, Members are to be further restricted to three +Questions _per diem_; but no substantial relief is to be hoped for until +the House sets up its own censorship, with power to expunge all Questions +that are trivial, personal or put for purposes of self-advertisement. Not +many--a dozen or two daily, perhaps--would survive the scrutiny. + + * * * * * + +A NEW ISLE OF THE BLEST. + + (_The "Cubanisation" of Ireland, suggested by Mr. DE VALERA, is being + seriously discussed in Sinn Fein circles._) + + When Ireland is treated like Cuba, + As great DE VALERA suggests, + And the pestilent loyalist Pooh-Bah + No longer our island infests, + The Pearl that adorns the Antilles + We'll speedily duplicate here, + From the Lough in the North, that is Swilly's, + Right down to Cape Clear. + + The militant minstrels of Tara + Will change their war-harps for guitars; + And Clare, to be called Santa Clara, + Will grow the most splendid cigars; + On the banks of the Bann the banana + Will yield us its succulent fruit, + And the pig with the gentle iguana + Together will root. + + Our poets, both major and minor, + Will work the new Manganese vein, + And turn out a product diviner + Than even the Cubans obtain; + Limerigo, Galvejo, Doblino-- + How lovely and noble they sound! + And think of Don Jose Devlino + Cavorting around! + + We'll borrow a leaf from Havana; + We'll cultivate yuccas and yams; + The Curragh shall be our savannah, + Swept clear of all soldiers and shams; + And then to the cry of "Majuba" + We'll shatter the enemy's yoke, + When Ireland is governed like Cuba + And grows her own smoke. + + * * * * * + +DEAD SEA FRUIT. + +To-day the telephone has been installed. The members of our staff are going +about their duties in a dazed fashion, and I, to whose single-handed +tenacity the achievement is due, find myself unable in these first full +moments of triumph to concentrate on my every-day affairs. + +I can still remember that fresh summer morning when with springy step I set +out to call upon the District Contract Agent for the first time. Innocently +enough I expected to arrange for the installation of a telephone within the +next two or three days. But I recollect that as I ascended the steps of his +premises I became depressed by that House of Usher foreboding, and then, +when I witnessed the way in which an imperturbable official discomfited a +tempestuous gentleman who was giving tongue to a long list of his wrongs, +my carefully rehearsed and resolute address shrivelled on my lips and I +found myself asking tamely for a form. + +This form, _plus_ the information that telephones were more speedily +installed where ex-Service men were employed, was the net result of my +first encounter. + +And now, as I turn in reminiscent mood to a dusty file, I pause before one +of my early letters to the District Contract Agent: "... If you saw our +staff, who are without exception ex-soldiers, you would say at once that +they are a remarkably fine body of men and deserving of a telephone. They +mark their possessions with their initials in indelible pencil. Between +them they have seen service on every front, from Mespot to Ireland. Some +have been mentioned in despatches, many have figured in Cox's Book of +Martyrs, and our cashier _says_ that he once opened a tin of bully with the +key provided for that purpose. One of our juniors, Major Bays Waller, +O.B.E., who came to us from a Control Office and who advises us on our +filing, says that it is like coming from a home to a home. You must come +round and have a chat with him; you would have _so_ much in common. + +"Trusting that you will expedite the little matter of our telephone +installation, and assuring you that the spirit of our staff continues to be +excellent, etc...." + +Although this letter was signed "Henry Thomas, James & Sons," the District +Contract Agent's vague reply on the file before me commences: "Sir (or +Madam);" and I feel now, as I did then, that it is not in the best of taste +for him to brag as he does about his telephone and his "Private Branch +Exchange" on the very paper on which he writes to baffled applicants for +installation. + +From this time the correspondence is marked by an increasing bitterness on +my side and a level colourlessness on his. Only once did he assume the +offensive, which took the shape of a demand for four pounds for possible +services to be rendered at some period in the future. At Yuletide I hoped +that "during this season of goodwill he would see his way to give +instructions for the installation of our telephone," and in the New Year I +played once more the ex-Service employees' card:--"... Whatever views you +may hold on the policy of the withdrawal of British troops from Russia, we +are convinced that you will sympathise with our desire to extend a hearty +welcome to a member of our staff on his return to this office from +Murmansk; and we feel that, since he served with the R.E. Signals, it would +be a graceful compliment to him if we had the telephone installed. We +therefore cordially invite your co-operation so that this may take place +before his arrival.... The idea of installing a telephone in this office is +not in itself a novel one, as you may recollect that the suggestion has +cropped up in the correspondence that has passed between us...." + + * * * * * + +And now, as I have said, the telephone is installed. The instrument is +fashioned in a severe style (receiver and mouth-piece mounted on an ebonite +column of the Roman Doric Order), and it stands for all to see as a symbol +that in the seclusion of our offices we are in touch with the world at +large. But as a symbol only it must remain, for the voices of the outer +world that call us up as they search for other friends or obstruct us when +we in turn are, as it were, groping after ours, have already frayed the +temper of our staff. It was inevitable that under such constant irritation +these ex-Service men of ours would one day burst into strong military +idiom, so we have disconnected our telephone in order to avoid the calamity +of losing our lady-typist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST. + +_Scene._--RUNNYMEDE, 1215.] + + * * * * * + + "Man Wanted to lift 1,200 square yards of Turf at once--_Provincial + Paper._ + +Before applying for the job our young friend Foozle would like to know +whether he will be required to replace the divot. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"JUST LIKE JUDY." + +If the author of _Just Like Judy_ will look into that commodious classic, +_Mrs. Beeton's Cookery Book_, he will find a formula for light pastry. And +if he will proceed to the (for him) enlivening adventure of essaying a +tartlet, he will find that most fatal among a host of fatal errors will be +any failure to preserve the due proportion of ingredients. I do not suggest +that there is as rigid a formula for light comedy. But certainly Mr. DENNY +threw in too many unnecessary mystifications and crude explanations in +proportion to the wit, wisdom and lively incident of his confection. In +particular he was constantly making some of his characters tell the others +what we of the audience either already knew or quite easily guessed. To +exhaust my tedious-homely metaphor, if you put in a double measure of water +the mixture will refuse to rise. And that I imagine is essentially what +happened to _Just Like Judy_. + +Irish _Judy_, a charmingly pretty busybody, outwardly just like Miss IRIS +HOEY, comes to _Peter Keppel's_ studio and hears that this casual youth has +got into a deplorable habit of putting off his marriage with her friend +_Milly_. She (_Judy_) will see to that! She assumes the _role_ of a +notorious Chelsea model, whom proper _Peter_ has never seen. _Peter_ knocks +his head on the mantelpiece, just where a shrapnel splinter had hit him, +and is persuaded that she, _Judy McCarthy_, affecting to be _Trixie +O'Farrel_, is his wife. It all seems very horrible to him, but, shell-shock +or no shell-shock, he sets to work to paint her portrait in a business-like +way, and at the end of four hours it doesn't seem at all horrible. And by +the time it is explained that it was all a joke (some people do have such a +nice sense of humour) he is all for rushing off to the registry-office, +_Judy_ agreeing. + +Not that _Judy_ is a minx. She did her level best to make two people who +obviously didn't love one another fulfil their engagement, instead of, like +a sensible woman, accepting the inevitable, which was, as it happens, so +congenial to her. What puzzled me was _Peter's_ indignation with poor +_Milly_ when he found that she really didn't love him (but, on the +contrary, a bounder called _Crauford_), yet couldn't bear to cause him +unhappiness, and was sacrificing herself for him. As that was his attitude +precisely, I suppose he felt annoyed by this lack of originality. If we men +are like that, it wasn't nice of Mr. DENNY to give us away. + +At any rate I am sure Mr. DONALD CALTHROP didn't believe in _Peter_ all the +time. When he did he was very good indeed. When he didn't he was horrid. +Did Miss IRIS HOEY believe in _Judy_? I am not so sure. I suspect not. Did +I believe in either? I did not. + +I was a little surprised that Miss JOAN VIVIAN-REES should so overplay her +_Trixie_. Her work is certainly in general not like that, and I conjecture +the influence of some baleful autocrat of a producer. It seemed to me that +Miss MILDRED EVELYN'S _Milly_ was, all things considered, a capable and +consistent study of a desperately unsympathetic character, a more difficult +and creditable feat than is commonly supposed. + +T. + +"WILD GEESE." + +[Illustration: _Mr. JACK BUCHANAN_ (_Hon. Bill Malcolm_). "WHAT'S THE IDEA? +ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER?" + +_Miss PHYLLIS MONKMAN_ (_Violet Braid_). "NO. I JUST KEEP ON DOING THIS FOR +THE LOOK OF THE THING."] + +I should hesitate to accuse Mr. RONALD JEANS of originality in the design +of his musical trifle at the Comedy. The idea of a company of women that +bans the society of men is at least as old as the Attic stage. But it is to +his credit that though the theme invited suggestiveness he at least avoided +the licence of _The Lysistrata_. Indeed there were moments when his +restraint filled me with respectful wonder. Thus, though the Pacific Island +to which the Junior Jumper Club retired--with no male attendant but the +Club porter--clearly indicated a bathing scene, yet we had to be satisfied +with an occasional glimpse of an exiguous _maillot_ with nobody inside it. + +In fact, the fun throughout had a note of reserve and was never boisterous. +Mr. JACK BUCHANAN'S quiet methods in the part of the _Hon. Bill Malcolm_, +universal philanderer, lent themselves to this quality of understatement. +In a scene where he tried to extricate himself from a number of coincident +entanglements with various members of the Club he was quite amusing without +the aid of italics. Mr. GILBERT CHILDS, again, as _Weekes_--Club porter and +_Admirable Crichton_ of the island--though a little broader in his style, +was too clever to force the fun. + +The other sex, as was natural with women who affected a serious purpose, +had fewer chances, and Miss PHYLLIS MONKMAN spoilt hers by a bad trick of +hunching her shoulders and waggling her arms as if she were out for a +cake-walk on Montmartre. + +There were touches of humour in Mr. CUVILLIER'S tuneful music and in the +limited movements of the best-looking chorus that I have seen for a long +time. + +As for the plot, it had at least the merit of continuity and conformed to +the logic, seldom too severe, of this kind of entertainment, as distinct +from the so-called _revue_. Nearly everything was well within my +intelligence, the chief exception being the title; for never surely did a +wild-goose chase offer such easy sport. The birds were just asking to be +put into the bag. I should myself have preferred, out of compliment to the +chorus, to call the play "Wild Ducks," only, of course, IBSEN had been +there before. Not that this would have greatly troubled an author who +showed so little regard for the proprietary rights of ARISTOPHANES and Sir +JAMES BARRIE. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +WITCHES. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "'tis born in 'em maybe, + The same as fits an' freckles an' follerin' the sea, + An' ginger hair in some folks--an' likin' beer in me. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "an' powerful strong ones too; + They'll whistle a wind from nowhere an' a storm out o' the blue + 'Ud sink this here old hooker an' all her bloomin' crew. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, rubbing his hairy chin, + "An' some counts witchcraft bunkum, an' some a deadly sin, + But--there ain't no harm as I see in standing well with a Finn." + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +OUR CYNICAL PRESS. + + "Mr. ----, M.P., is leaving home for a fortnight's rest."--_Scotch + Paper._ + + * * * * * + +PROTECTION FROM BURGLARS. + +FOR IDEAL AND OTHER HOMES. + +[Illustration: HAVING SEEN THAT THE FRONT-DOOR BURGLAR ALARM-GONG IS IN +WORKING ORDER-- + +AND THE PASSAGE SPRING-TRAP ADJUSTED TO A NICETY-- + +AND THE PATENT PROTECTIVE STAIR-CREAK RECORDER IS SET TO THE RIGHT KEY-- + +AND YOUR SYNCHRONISED WINDOW-CATCH WARNING SYSTEM GEARED PROPERLY-- + +YOU CAN JUST GIVE A LOOK AT THE MECHANISM CONTROLLING THE BURGLAR +CHLOROFORM SHOWER-- + +ARRANGE YOUR BARBED-WIRE-ENTANGLEMENT RUG-- + +RUN THROUGH YOUR JIU-JITSU EXERCISES ACCORDING TO CHART-- + +FIX YOUR INTERIOR BEDROOM-DOOR DEFENCES-- + +AND GO TO BED.] + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRIGIBLE. + + Ernest was a sprightly youth + With a passion for the truth, + Who, the other day, began + His career as midshipman. + 'Twas not in the least degree + Vulgar curiosity + Urging him to ask the reason + Why, both in and out of season; + 'Twas but keenness; all he lacked + Was a saving sense of tact. + + Once the Lieut. of Ernie's watch, + Dour, meticulous and Scotch, + Thought he'd show the timid snotty + (Newly joined) exactly what he + Wanted when inspecting men. + Closely Ernest watched, and then + Said, saluting, "Sir, I note + Several creases in your coat, + And I see upon your trouser + Signs of paint-work; yet just now, Sir, + Did you not think fit to blame + One poor man who had the same?" + + Ere that outraged Lieut. replied + Suddenly our hero spied + Coming aft, his labours done, + Our benignant Number One + (_Most_ abstemious is he, + And, in fact, a strict T.T., + But--it shows how Fate can blunder-- + No one could be rubicunder. + Ernest, after one swift glance, + Said, "Excuse my ignorance, + But, Sir, can you tell me why + You are always red, while I, + Even when I drink a lot, + Only flush if I am hot?" + + Just as Number One grew pale + And collapsed against the rail, + Striving grimly not to choke, + Ernest heard the busy Bloke + Calling loudly, "Let her go!" + To a seaman down below; + "Fool! the cutter's bound to ram you, + Push the pinnace forrard, damn you!" + Ernest shook his youthful head + And he very gently said + Into his Commander's ear, + "You forget yourself, I fear. + May I ask what you would do + If I used that word to _you_? + Is it worthy, Sir, of an + Officer and gentleman?" + + Aft ran little Ernest, only + Pausing when he saw a lonely + Figure bright with golden lace + Who appeared to own the place. + "Ah!" thought Ernie, "I know you; + You're the luckless Captain who + (Though you hadn't then a beard) + Most unwillingly appeared + But a year ago or less + In the Illustrated Press." + "Tell me, Sir," the youngster cried, + Crossing to the Captain's side + Of the sacred quarterdeck-- + "How did you contrive the wreck + Of the cruiser you commanded + When she bumped the beach and stranded?" + + You may say, "He is so brave he + Ought some day to rule the Navy." + Certainly he _ought_, but still + I'm afraid he never will; + For they talked to him so gruffly + And they handled him so roughly + That, when he was fit to drop + And the kindly Bloke said, "Stop! + Or you'll make him even madder; + He is wiser now and sadder," + Ernest simply answered, "Ay, Sir, + You have _made_ me sad; but why, Sir?" + + * * * * * + +AEQUAM MEMENTO. + +"I wonder," said Mary for the third time, "if we shall catch the tram at +the other end." + +"Calmness," I told her--this for the second time--"is the essence of +comfortable travel. Meeting trouble half-way--" + +"It isn't half-way," she said indignantly. "We're nearly there." + +We were on a bus whose "route" terminated some five miles from home, which +we proposed to reach by a tram, and, the hour being late, it was our +chances of catching a car that were worrying Mary. + +"Never get flurried," I went on. "If people would only go ahead calmly and +steadily.... What causes half our traffic congestion? Flurry. What makes it +so difficult to move quickly in the streets? Flurry. What is it clogs the +wheels of progress everywhere?" + +"Don't tell me," she implored. "Let me guess. Flurry." + +"Exactly," I said, and at this point we reached our terminus. Two trams +were waiting, one behind the other, some thirty yards away, and, as we +descended the steps of the bus, the bell of the first one rang warningly. +Mary would have started running, but I detained her. + +"Flurrying again," I said indulgently. "Here are two trams, but of course +you must have the first one, however full it is," and I led her towards the +second. As I expected, it was quite empty, and I was still using it to +point my moral when its conductor began juggling with the pole. It was then +that I realised that, though on the down lines, this car was going no +further. It was, in fact, turning round for its journey back to London, +while in the distance the rear lights of our last down tram seemed to wink +a derisive farewell. + +There was nothing for it but to go ahead calmly and steadily, and we did +so. It was somewhere about the end of the fourth mile that Mary asked +suddenly:-- + +"What was it you said clogged the wheels of progress everywhere?" + +"Flurry," I said feebly. + +"Well, _I_ think it's blisters," she said. + + * * * * * + +FILM NOTES. + +Those who are still inclined to question whether the cinema is to be +regarded as a serious force in the realm of Art should not only read the +frequent contributions to _The Times_ and other newspapers on this +department of the drama, but should bear in mind that quite recently it has +been stated that both the Rev. SILAS K. HOCKING and Mr. JACK DEMPSEY have +taken part in photo-plays. It cannot be doubted that the peculiar talent +required for making the heart of the people throb is being revealed in the +most unlikely places. + + * * * * * + +If proof were needed that the art of the film is a dangerous rival to that +of the stage, we would point to the five-reel drama, _The Call of the +Thug_, of which a private trade view was given last week. Miss Flora +Poudray, who is here featured--her name is new to us--proves to be a screen +actress of superb gifts. We have seen nothing quite so subtly perfect as +her gesture of dissent when the villain proposes that he and she together +should strangle the infant heir to the millionaire woollen merchant on the +raft during the thunder-storm. Patrons of the cinema will do well to look +out for this delicate yet moving passage. The film will be released as +early as November, 1921. + + * * * * * + + "MR. BALFOUR ON OUR WAR CRIMINALS LIST."--_Daily Paper._ + +We simply can't believe it. + + * * * * * + + "The amount of coal available for home consumption last year was 4,385 + tons per head of the population."--_Evening Paper._ + +Then somebody else must have collared our share. + + * * * * * + +"LIVE STOCK AND PETS. + + GENERAL, family 2; liberal wages and outings."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +The difficulty with "pets" of this kind is that they are hard to get and +almost impossible to keep. + + * * * * * + + "An Englishman usually finds it about as difficult to produce an R from + his thoat as to produce a rabbit from a top-hat--both feats require + practice."--_Provincial Paper._ + +In this case we fear it can't be done, even with practice. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Mrs. P.-W.S._ (_to P.-W.S., who has been pulled off at a gate, +consolingly_). "NEVER MIND, HENRY; THE HUNTING SEASON IS NEARLY OVER, AND +YOU HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE DONE YOUR DUTY IN THE +STATION TO WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The publishers of _Peter Jackson: Cigar Merchant_ (HUTCHINSON) seem in +their announcements to be desperately afraid lest anyone should guess it to +be a War book. It is, they suggest, the story of the flowering of perfect +love between two married folk who had drifted apart. It is really an +admirable epitome of the War as seen through one pair of eyes and one +particular temperament. I don't recall another War novel that is so +convincing. The almost incredible confusions of the early days of the +making of K.'s army; the gradual shaping of the great instrument; the +comradeship of fine spirits and the intrigues of meaner; leadership good +and less good; action with its energy, glory and horror; reaction (with +incidentally a most moving analysis of the agonies of shell-shock and +protracted neurasthenia) after the long strain of campaigning--all this is +brought before you in the most vivid manner. Mr. GILBERT FRANKAU writes +with a fierce sincerity and with perhaps the defects of that sincerity--a +bitterness against the non-combatant which was not usual in the fighting- +man, at least when he was fighting; or perhaps it was only that they were +too kind then to say so. Also as "one of us" he is a little overwhelmed by +the sterling qualities of the rank-and-file--qualities which ought, he +would be inclined to assume, to be the exclusive product of public-school +playing-fields. I haven't said that _Peter Jackson_ gave up cigars and +cigarettes for the sword, and beat that into a plough-share for a +small-holding when the War was done. A jolly interesting book. + + * * * * * + +I found the arrangement of _The Clintons and Others_ (COLLINS) at first a +little confusing, because Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, instead of keeping his +_Clinton_ tales consecutive, has mixed them democratically with the +_Others_. Our first sight of the family (and incidentally the most +agreeable thing in the volume) is provided by "Kencote," a brightly- +coloured and engaging anecdote of Regency times, and of the plucking of an +honoured house from the ambiguous patronage of the First Gentleman in +Europe. I found this delightful, spirited, picturesque and original. Thence +we pass to the _Others_, to the theme (old, but given here with a pleasant +freshness of circumstance) of maternal craft in averting a threatened +mesalliance, to a study of architecture in its effect upon character, to a +girls' school tale; finally to the portrait of a modern _Squire Clinton_, +struggling to adjust his mind to the complexities of the War. This last, a +character-study of very moving and sympathetic realism, suffers a little +from a defect inherent in one of Mr. MARSHALL'S best qualities, his gift +for absolutely natural dialogue. The danger of this is that, as here in the +bedroom chatter of the Squire's daughters, his folk are apt to repeat +themselves, as talk does in nature, but should not (I suppose) in art. +Still this is a small defect in a book that is sincere in quality and +convincingly human in effect. _The Clintons and Others_ is certainly miles +away from the collections of reprinted pot-boilers that at one time brought +books of short stories into poor repute. Mr. MARSHALL and Others (a select +band) will rapidly correct this by giving us in small compass work equal to +their own best. + + * * * * * + +_Shuttered Doors_ (LANE) is what you might call a third-and-fourth- +generation story--one of those books, so rightly devastating to the +skipper, in which the accidental turning of two pages together is quite +liable to involve you with the great-grandchildren of the couple whose +courtship you have been perusing. Observe that I was careful to say the +"accidental" turning, though I can picture a type of reader who might soon +be fluttering the pages of _Shuttered Doors_ in impatient handfuls. The +fact is that Mrs. WILLIAM HICKS BEACH has here written what is less a novel +than a treatise, tasteful, informed and sympathetic, on county life and +manners and houses. The last of these themes especially has an undisguised +fascination for her. When _Aletta_, the chief heroine, was left pots of +money by a Dutch uncle (who was so far from filling his proverbial _role_ +that he hardly talked at all) she spent it and her enthusiasm, indeed her +existence, in restoring two variously dilapidated mansions--Graythorpes, +her husband's home, and Doller Place, left her by an appreciative aunt. +When not thus employed she would be reading a paper on Homes (given here +_in extenso_), or comparing those of other persons with her own. I don't +want you to get the impression that _Shuttered Doors_ is precisely arid; it +is too full of ideas and vitalities for that; but it does undoubtedly +demand a special kind of reader. Incidentally, Mrs. HICKS BEACH should +revise her chronology. For _Aletta_, who was married at twenty-eight and +died at sixty-two, to have had at that time a grandson on the staff of the +Viceroy of India, he must have received his appointment before the age of +fifteen--which even in these experimental days sounds a little premature. + + * * * * * + +Do not allow yourself to be misled by the fact that the portrait on the +paper cover of _Maureen_ (JENKINS) does, I admit, remarkably suggest a lady +whose mission in life is the advertisement of complexion soap. You probably +know already that the methods of Mr. PATRICK MACGILL are made of sterner +stuff. This "Story of Donegal," which I have no intention of giving in +detail, is the history of the course of true love in an Irish village, full +of types which, I dare say, are realistically observed; verbose in places +to an almost infuriating degree (not till page 61 does the heroine so much +as put her nose round the scenery), but working up to a climax of +considerable power. _Maureen_, I need hardly say, was as fair as moonrise, +but suffered from the drawback of an irregular origin, which took the poor +girl a great deal of living down. Nor need I specify the fact that most of +the male characters in the district are soon claimants for her hand. Really +this is the plot. Having betrayed so much, however, nothing shall persuade +me to expose the bogie scenes on the midnight moor, where the villain +combines his illicit whiskey manufacture with his courtship, and where +finally the three protagonists come by a startling finish. _Maureen_ is not +a story that I should recommend save for readers with abundant leisure; but +those whose pluck and endurance carry them to the kill will certainly have +their reward. + + * * * * * + +In _Memories of a Marine_ (MURRAY) Major-General Sir GEORGE ASTON records +for us, cosily and anecdotally, a life spent in service, not only of the +active kind--in Egypt and South Africa--but also as a Staff College +Professor, and, more intriguingly, as an expert in Secret Intelligence in +the cloisters of Whitehall or up and down the Mediterranean. If his book is +not so sensational in the matter of revelations as the current fashion +requires, it has a restful interest all its own, varied here and there with +some very attractive stories. To give just one example, the author, when +setting out to co-ordinate the work of various authorities in a certain +harbour, found a signal buoy, a torpedo station, a fixed mine and a boom, +each under separate control, all included in the defences. But the torpedo +could not be launched unless the buoy were first cleared away, and the +mine, if fired, would blow up the boom. One would have welcomed more of +this sort of thing, for the truth is that even restfulness may be overdone +and discretion become almost too admirable. Occasionally too the writer +enlarges a little on--well, he enlarges a little, as anyone would with half +his provocation. Still, for all comrades of his service, at any rate, every +word he has written will be of interest; and perhaps he does not really +mind so much about the general public, though he has had the good sense to +crown his work with an apposite quotation from _Punch_. + + * * * * * + +_The Specials_ (HEINEMANN) is the story of the Metropolitan Special +Constabulary, and it would have been a thousand pities if it had not been +told. Colonel W.T. REAY'S book will stand as a record of invaluable service +performed by a devoted body of men, service for which the whole nation--and +London in particular--has every reason to be grateful. If I understand +Colonel REAY rightly he doesn't wish bouquets to be thrown at the Specials, +but he would not, I think, discourage me from saying that they performed +dangerous and ticklish work with unfailing resource and tact. All of us +know that they desire no other reward for their services than the +satisfaction of having done their duty; but our gratitude demands to be +heard; and I for one take this occasion to trumpet forth the "All clear" +signal with feelings of affectionate pride. + + * * * * * + +If _By Way of Bohemia_ (SKEFFINGTON) is a fair sample of Mr. MARK +ALLERTON'S work I have been missing a number of very readable stories. His +hero, _Hugh Kelvin_, a journalist (they must be rare) who had no very good +conceit of himself, married a barmaid, and she ran his house as if it were +a third-class drinking saloon. She was one of those women who for want of a +better word we call impossible; but she found _Hugh_ as unsatisfactory as +he found her. In the circumstances the union had to be dissolved, and, +although I suspect Mr. ALLERTON'S tongue of being very near his cheek when +he contrived _Hugh's_ escape from a life of sordid misery, I admit that his +solution of the difficulty is cleverly told. And, after all, coincidences +do happen in real life, and it would be unfair to Providence to suppose +that they were not put there for a useful purpose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME AWAY, ROBERT. YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THEY PUT CHEESE IN +THERE JUST FOR FUN AT TWO SHILLINGS A POUND?"] + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman washes to be received as Paying Guest."--_Daily Paper._ + +A very proper preliminary. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, February 25th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16509.txt or 16509.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/0/16509/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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