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diff --git a/16509-8.txt b/16509-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9ddea9 --- /dev/null +++ b/16509-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2179 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +February 25th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 11, 2005 [EBook #16509] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +February 25th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Another American," says a Washington despatch, "has been captured by +Mexicans and is being held to ransom." We deplore these pin-prick tactics. +If there is something about the United States that President CARRANZA wants +changed he should say so. + +* * * + +A contemporary states that the old theory, that when your ears burn it +means that people are talking about you, is accurate. Upon hearing this a +dear old lady at once commenced to crochet a set of asbestos ear-guards for +Mr. CHURCHILL. + +* * * + +The American gentleman who claims to have invented _revues_ is shortly +coming over to England for a holiday. Personally we should advise him to +wait until the crime wave has died down a bit. + +* * * + +It is pleasing to note that in spite of the recent spring-like weather the +POET LAUREATE is calmly keeping his head. + +* * * + +In their last Note to Holland on the subject of the ex-Kaiser's trial the +Allied Governments drop a hint that it was they and not Holland who won the +War. It is impossible to be too definite on this matter. + +* * * + +Cotton, it is announced, has gone up to tenpence a reel. The new American +whisky stands at the same figure. + +* * * + +"Boys sing automatically, like parrots," declares the choirmaster of St. +John's Church, Grimsby. His facts are wrong. The only thing automatic about +a parrot is its bite. + +* * * + +So thirsty were the Americans on board, it is stated, that on her homeward +trip the _Mauretania_ was drunk dry two days out. To remedy this +unsatisfactory state of affairs a syndicate of wealthy Americans is +understood to be formulating an offer to tow Ireland over to the New Jersey +coast if a liquor licence is granted to the tug. + +* * * + +There is no truth in the report that, as the result of a majority vote of +the Dublin Corporation, the sword and mace have been replaced by a pistol +and mitre. + +* * * + +We live in strenuous times. The MAD MULLAH has been reported in action and +Willesden has won the London Draughts' Tournament. + +* * * + +By the way, those who remember the MAD MULLAH'S earlier escapades are of +the opinion that it is high time for him to be killed again. + +* * * + +The HOME SECRETARY hopes to introduce an Anti-Firearms Bill. Under this Act +it is expected that it will be made illegal for criminals to shoot at +people into whose homes they break. + +* * * + +A postcard posted in 1888 has just been delivered to _The Leeds Mercury_, +and they ask if this is a record. Not a permanent one, if the Post Office +can help it. + +* * * + +A young lady told the Stratford magistrates that she gave up her young man +because he said he was a millionaire, and she had later learned that he was +a waiter. But there is nothing contradictory in this. + +* * * + +The ex-CROWN-PRINCE has written in the _Tägliche Rundschau_ on "How I Lost +the War." He pays a fine tribute to the British soldier, who, it appears, +helped him to lose it. + +* * * + +"How to Manage Twopenny Eggs" is the headline of a morning paper. A good +plan is to grip them firmly round the neck and wring it. + +* * * + +An article in _Tit-Bits_ tells readers how to make canaries pay. We have +felt for some time that there must be a better method than that of suing +the birds in the County Court. + +* * * + +"Useful wedding-presents are now the vogue," says a weekly journal. Only +last week we heard of a Scotsman who at a recent wedding gave the bride +away. + +* * * + +"The Jolly Bachelors" is the title of a new club at Nottingham. No attempt +has yet been made to start a Jolly Husbands' Club. + +* * * + +It is gratifying to learn that the workman who last week fell from some +scaffolding in Oxford Street, but managed to grasp a rope and hang on to it +till rescued fifteen minutes later, has now been elected an honorary member +of the Underground Travellers' Association. + +* * * + +A reader living in Hertfordshire writes to say that spring-like weather is +prevailing and that a pair of bricklayers who started building about three +weeks ago can now be seen daily sitting on three bricks which they laid +last week. + +* * * + +With such energy are the inhabitants of Leeds carrying out their campaign +against rats that it is considered unsafe for any rodent under three years +old to venture out alone after dark. + +* * * + +We are glad to learn that the Brixton lady who mislaid her husband last +week at one of these West-End bargain sales has now received him back from +the firm in fairly good condition. + +* * * + +During the recent spell of warm weather several wooden houses threw out new +shoots, some of which are already in bud. + +* * * + +We understand that the Government contemplate passing a Bill to forbid +silver-weddings unless a larger percentage of alloy is used with them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CRIME WAVE. + +_Crank_ (_enlarging upon pet theory_). "I TELL YOU, SIR, WE ARE ALL OF US +BOLSHEVISTS AT HEART. THE ONLY THING THAT'S KEEPING YOU AND ME FROM A LIFE +OF CRIME IS THE THOUGHT OF THE POLICEMAN ROUND THE CORNER."] + + * * * * * + + "How utterly unimpressive for ceremonial purposes is the ordinary + episcopal habit.... What dignity it ever possessed has been most + successfully shorn off by the merciless scissors of ecclesiastical + tailors. The history of the chimere and rochet has been truly tragic." + --_Church Paper._ + +Fortunately, the hat and gaiters do something to relieve the gloom. + + * * * * * + +CLOTHES AND THE POET. + + ["The public will welcome an announcement that the standard clothing + scheme may be revived on a voluntary basis."--_The Times_.] + + I do not ask for silk attire, + For purple, no, nor puce; + The only wear that I require + Is something plain and loose, + A quiet set of reach-me-downs for serviceable use. + + For these, which I must have because + The honour of the Press + Compels me, by unwritten laws, + To clothe my nakedness, + Four guineas is my limit--more or (preferably) less. + + Let others go in Harris tweeds, + Men of the leisured sort; + Mine are the modest, homely needs + That with my state comport; + I am a simple labouring man whose work is all his sport. + + I covet not the gear of those + Who neither toil nor spin; + I merely want some standard clo's + To drape my standard skin, + Wrought of material suitable for writing verses in. + + Something that won't pick up the dust + When rhymes refuse to flow; + And roomy, lest the seams be bust + Should the afflatus blow-- + Say five-and-forty round the ribs and rather more below. + + For poets they should stock a brand + To serve each type's behest-- + Pastoral, epic, lyric--and + An outer size of chest + For those whose puffy job it is to build the arduous jest. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE WOLF AND THE LAMB. + +(_An imaginary conversation._) + + [In his lecture at the Royal Institution, to which Mr. Punch recently + referred, Mr. ALFRED NOYES said that "our art and literature were + increasingly Bolshevik, and if they looked at the columns of any + newspaper they would see the unusual spectacle of the political editor + desperately fighting that which the art and literary portions of the + paper upheld."] + +SCENE.--_A Club-room near Fleet Street. The_ Political Editor _and the_ +Literary Editor _of "The Daily Crisis" are discovered seated in adjoining +armchairs_. + +_Political Editor._ Excuse me, but haven't I seen you occasionally in _The +Crisis_ office? + +_Literary Editor._ Possibly. I look after its literary pages, you know. + +_P.E._ Really? I run the political columns. Did you read my showing-up this +morning of the Bolshevik peril in the House of Lords? + +_L.E._ I'm afraid I never read the political articles. Did you notice my +two-column boom of young Applecart's latest book of poems? + +_P.E._ No time to read the literary columns, and modern poetry's as good as +Chinese to me. Who's Applecart? + +_L.E._ My dear Sir, is it possible that you are unfamiliar with the author +of _I Will Destroy_? He's the hope of the future as far as English poetry +is concerned. + +_P.E. (cheerfully)._ Never heard of him. What's he done? + +_L.E. (impressively)._ He has overthrown all the rules, not only of art, +but of morality. He has created a new Way of Life. + +_P.E._ Can't see that that's anything to shout about. What's his platform, +anyway? + +_L.E._ Platform? To anyone who has tho slightest acquaintance with +Applecart the very idea of a platform is fantastic. He doesn't stand; he +soars. + +_P.E._ Well, what are his _views_, then? Pretty tall, I suppose, if he's +such a high flier. + +_L.E._ You may well say so. In the first place he discards all the old +artistic formulæ. + +_P.E._ I know; you write a solid slab of purple prose, scissor it into a +jig-saw puzzle, serve it with a dazzle dressing and call it the New Poetry. + +_L.E._ Have your joke, if you will. But, more important still, Applecart is +a rebel against humanity and all its fetishes, social, ethical and +political. + +_P.E. (startled)._ A Bolshie, I suppose you mean? + +_L.E._ The artist is proof against all these vulgar terms of abuse, culled +from the hustings. Call him a Pussyfoot as well; you cannot shake him from +his pinnacle. + +_P.E._ Yes, but look here--he's just the sort of pernicious agitator we're +out against in _The Crisis_--at least in my department. My special article +this morning--three thickly-leaded columns--actually revealed the existence +of a most insidious plot to undermine the restraining influence of the +House of Lords by the spread of Bolshevik propaganda masquerading as +literature. You see, there's a certain section of the Lords, mainly new +creations who've only recently been released from various employments, who +now for the first time in their lives have leisure for reading; then +there's the spread of education among the sporting Peers. Well, these +people are ready to succumb to all sorts of poisonous doctrines, if they're +served up in what I presume to be the fashionable mode of the moment; and I +expect your precious Applecart is one of the Bolsh agents who are laying +the trap. You'll have to stop booming him, you know. He's not doing the +paper any good. + +_L.E._ My dear Sir, literature takes no account of the fads and fancies of +party politics. And I gather from you that party politics have no use for +literature except from a propagandist view. Let us be content to go our own +ways in peace. + +_P.E._ Yes, that's all very well for you and me, but what about the Chief? +How does he reconcile these absolutely conflicting standpoints? And what +does the public think of it all? + +_L.E. (confidentially)._ Between you and me, the Chief knows his public. +And the public knows its papers. The last thing it wants from us is +consistency, which is always boring. Besides (_still more confidentially_), +the public doesn't take us quite so seriously as we like to pretend. + +_P.E._ H'm, maybe you're right. As a matter of fact (_lowering his voice_) +I sometimes think I'm a bit of a Socialist myself. + +_L.E._ Really? As for me (_conspiratorially_), I adore TENNYSON, and EZRA +POUND fills me with a secret wrath. Still, the public-- + +_P.E._ Ah, the public--! Have a drink? + + [_They pledge each other. NOYES without. They disperse hurriedly._ + + * * * * * + + "In view of the serious shortage of female help, the United Boards of + Trade of Western Ontaria have been discussing proposals to encourage + the immigration of young women from Great Britain."--_Morning Paper_. + +And have apparently feminized the Province in advance. + + * * * * * + + "If the Archdeacon of Coventry is correct in stating, as he did in + Convocation, that the word 'tush' found in the Psalter means 'bosh,' it + must in this sense be what the classical dons call a 'hapslegomenon'." + --_Evening Standard_. + +Which, again, must be what the classical undergraduates call a "slipsus +languæ." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IRREMOVABLES. + +TURKEY (_to his old patron in Holland_). "SO, WE'RE BOTH REMAINING, WHAT?" + +VOICE FROM THE OTHER END. "YES, BUT _YOU_'VE GOT TO BEHAVE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Angry Father (of the Old School)._ "I SHALL CUT YOU OFF +WITH A SHILLING!" + +_The Prodigal._ "NOT ONE OF THE NEW NICKEL THINGS, I HOPE, FATHER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE COWARD. + +Cecilia was knitting by the fire. + +"What on earth have you two been doing?" she asked as we came in. "John +looks as if he'd been in a boiler explosion." + +"Hardly that," I said. "We've been playing with Chris--haven't we, John?" + +John gasped. + +"No, we haven't," he said. "On the contrary, _they_ have been playing with +_me_, Cecilia." + +"Well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?" said Cecilia. "Anyhow, I heard +_you_ making a most frightful row." + +"Of course I was making a row. So would you make a row if people suddenly +mistook you for a Teddy Bear or something and started bunging you about the +room." + +"I haven't the least idea what you're talking about," said Cecilia, "but I +think you're being intensely vulgar." + +"Vulgar! 'Vulgar,' she says." He laughed bitterly. "You'd be vulgar too if +you'd had that great hulking brute" (he pointed at me) "sitting on the +small of your back, and a hooligan of a boy--" + +Cecilia sat up and took notice. + +"Hooligan!" she said, "Hooligan! Who's a Hooligan?" + +"Sh! sister," I murmured. "You'll strain the epiglottis." + +John turned on me savagely. + +"You keep quiet. It isn't your epi--epi--what you said--and, anyway, can't +I even have a quiet row with my own wife without--" + +"John, calm yourself," said Cecilia crushingly. "Alan, tell me what you've +been doing." + +"Yes," muttered John, "tell her." He subsided into an armchair. + +"Well," I said, "you see, Christopher and I were up in the nursery and +getting on quite all right when John butted in--" + +"I simply opened--" + +"John, keep quiet," said his wife. "Well, Alan?" + +"Well, the fact is, Chris and I were in the middle of a great war with all +his soldiers. I had just firmly established fire superiority and was +actually on the verge of launching a huge offensive--the one that was going +to win the war, in fact--when, as I said, in butted this great clumsy +elephant and knocked half of Christopher's army over." + +"Purely an accident," said John. + +"_Will_ you keep quiet, or must I make you?" asked Cecilia. + +"Well, of course," I went on, "finding ourselves suddenly attacked by a +common foe, Chris and I naturally joined forces to defend ourselves." + +"Defend!--" shrieked John. "No, I won't keep quiet another second. Defend! +Why, they rushed at me like a couple of wild hyenas." + +"My dear John," said Cecilia, "_you_ attacked them first, and of course +they defended themselves as best they could." + +"Precisely," I said. + +"After all, John," said Cecilia, "you ought to be glad your son is so ready +to look after himself, instead of calling him a hooligan. You're always +shouting about the noble art of self-defence." + +"Noble art of self-defence _rot_," said John. "There's nothing in the noble +art about pushing lead soldiers down a man's neck." + +"Down your neck?" said Cecilia. + +"Yes," said John. "I keep trying to tell you and you won't let me. That +brute sat on the small of my back while Christopher pushed 'em down. The +little beasts all had their bayonets fixed, too." + +Cecilia and I laughed. + +"Yes, laugh," said John bitterly. "It _is_ funny that our child should be +growing up a Bolshevist; trying to flay his own father. He'll be setting +fire to the cat in a week and then you'll have another laugh." + +"John," shrieked Cecilia, "how dare you? If you say another word about the +darling--" + +The door opened and Christopher came into the room. + +He seemed to have washed his face or something. Anyway, he looked quite a +little angel and that's hardly--however. + +"I shall tell Chris what you've been saying," said Cecilia. + +John jumped. + +"No, no, Cecilia," he said in a strangled voice. "Don't betray me. I--I'm +sorry; I withdraw everything. Cecilia, save me. Think of our courting days; +remember--" + +"Christopher," said Cecilia clearly, "you see your father? Go and pull his +last remaining hairs out." + +Christopher looked at her in amazement. Then he walked over to John, +climbed on his knee and put an arm round his neck. + +"I wouldn't hurt you, dear old Dad, would I?" he asked affectionately, +looking at his mother in pained surprise. + +John positively gasped with relief. + +"Dear old Chris," he said. + +"Oh, you hypocrite!" said Cecilia. + +"Coward!" said I. + +I was sitting on one of those dumpy hassock sort of things. John looked +down at me vindictively for a moment and then a horrid smile started +spreading about his nasty face. + +"Christopher," he said very gently, "wouldn't it be a good thing if we +pushed Uncle Alan over and knocked his slippers off, and then I'll sit on +him while you tickle his feet?" + +Now it sounds silly, but a cold prespiration came over me. Being tickled is +so hopelessly undignified. And, anyhow, I simply can't stand it on the +feet. + +"John," I said severely, "don't be absurd." + +Christopher gurgled. + +"He's afraid," he said. "Come on, Dad." + +I saw that they really meant it, and I can only suppose that I was carried +away by one of those panics that you read of as attacking the bravest at +times. Anyhow, quite suddenly I found myself moving rapidly round the +table, out of the door and up the stairs. Halfway up I stopped to listen. +Cecilia and John were laughing loudly and coarsely and Christopher was +chanting "Uncle's got the wind up" in a piercing treble. Not at all a nice +phrase for a small boy to have on his tongue. + +It was all very galling for one who has fought and, I may say, bled for his +country. I almost decided to go back and fight if necessary. Then I heard a +stage-whisper from Christopher: + +"Let's creep upstairs after him and tickle him to death. Shall we, Dad?" + +Sheer hooliganism. It was impossible to fight with honour against such +opponents. I disdained to try. I went hastily up the remaining stairs and +locked myself in my room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Straphanger (to lady who has been standing on his +toes for a considerable time)._ "PARDON ME, MADAM, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO GET +OFF HERE--THIS IS AS FAR AS I GO."] + + * * * * * + +THE INTERNATIONALIST. + +"What on earth," I said to the waiter, who was standing a few yards off, +lost in a pensive dream of his native land--Switzerland, France, Italy?-- +well, anyhow, lost in a pensive dream--"what on earth is a Petrograd +steak?" + +The white napkin whisked like the scut of a rabbit, and he bounded to my +side. "Eet is mince-up," he said melodramatically. "Ze Petrograd steak ver +good. Two minute--mince-up." + +"But isn't that a Vienna steak?" I asked. + +A spasm of pain passed over his face. "Before ze War," he whispered, "yes, +Vienna steak. Now we call it ze Petrograd. You vill have one? Yes? Two +minute." + +Memories came flooding back of that moment of crisis which had found so +many of our trusted statesmen ill-prepared, but, terrible as it was, had +not caught the managers of London restaurants napping. I remembered the +immense stores of Dutch lager beer which they had so providentially and so +patriotically held in anticipation of the hour of need. Dutch beer, both +light and dark, so that inveterate drinkers of Munich and Pilsener were +enabled to face Armageddon almost without a jerk. They had other things +ready too--Danish _pâté de fois gras_, Swiss liver sausages, Belgian +pastries and the rest. It was in that dark hour, I suppose, that the Vienna +steak set its face towards the steppes. But this was in 1914, and a good +deal had happened since then. It appeared to me that the restaurant was not +exactly _au courant_ with international complications and the gastronomic +consequences of the Peace. I felt entitled to further illumination. + +"I don't feel at all certain," I told the man, "that I ought to eat a +Petrograd steak. Is it a white steak?" + +"Ah, no, not vite, not vite at all," he assured me. "Eet is underdone--not +much, but a little underdone. Ver good mince-up." + +"I absolutely refuse to eat a Red Petrograd steak," I declared. "Have you +by any chance anything Jugo-Slavian on the menu?" + +"Zere is ze jugged hare--" + +"I think you misunderstand me," I interrupted; "this is a point of +principle with me. Supposing I consume this Czecho-Slovakian mince-up and +then have a piece of Stilton; there has been no war with Stilton, I +fancy--" + +"Ver good, ze Stilton," interjected the chorus. + +"And coffee--' + +"Turkish coffee?" he said. + +"There you go again," I grumbled. "Whatever my attitude may be towards +Vienna and Petrograd (and, mind you, I am not feeling at all bitter towards +Vienna), my relations with Turkey are most certainly strained." + +"No, not strained, ze Turkish coffee," he cried eagerly; "eet has ze +grounds." + +"So have I," I told him; "we will call it the Macedonian coffee. It is you +who insisted in obtruding these international relations on my simple lunch, +and I mean to do the thing thoroughly. Better a dish of Croat Serbs where +love is than a bifteck Petrograd--Never mind, go and get the thing." + +When he returned with it I fell to, but my thoughts remained with the +waiter. What a man! With his dispassionate judgment, his calm sane outlook +on men and affairs, shaken a little perhaps in 1914, but since then +undisturbed, was he not cut out above all others to settle the vexed +frontier lines of Europe? I wondered whether Lord ROBERT CECIL might not +possibly make use of him. I was tempted to try him still further. + +"Have you ever heard of Mr. J.M. KEYNES?" I asked him when he brought me +the Bessarabian coffee. + +"Mr. KEYNES I not know. He not come here, I zink." + +"Or the Treaty of London?" + +"I vill ask ze manager." + +"Or President WILSON?" + +A brilliant smile of illumination lit up his features. + +"American, is he not?" he said. "Ver reech, ze Americans." + +This saddened me a little. He was not then absolutely complete. There was a +faint tarnish on the lustre of his innocence. He was scarcely perhaps +suited for the League of Nations after all. Lighting an Albanian cigarette +I asked him for my bill. + + * * * * * + +THINKING ALOUD. + +LORD HALDANE _loquitur_. + + "Tired of laborious days and nights + Spent on the intellectual heights, + I long to raise and educate + The masters of the future State. + Besides, the people in the plains + Are lamentably short of brains, + And I have even more than KEYNES. + Already in _The Herald's_ page + Am I acclaimed as seer and sage; + Mine be it then to teach my neighbour + To quit the lowly rut of Labour, + And scale the heights of Pisgah, Nebo, + Or some equivalent gazebo, + For even Labour must afford + To keep one competent Law Lord." + + * * * * * + + "WAR CRIMINALS DEMAND TO BE SUSPENDED."--_Evening Paper._ + +Too good to be true. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +A YOUNG GIRL HAS THE TEMERITY TO BRING A CHAPERON TO A DANCE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"THIS IS WHERE HE SWIMS THE RAPIDS. HOW SHALL WE SEND HIM--UP OR DOWN?"] + + * * * * * + +COX AND BOX. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let us talk _Haute Finance_. In other words, let us +indulge in that good old Anglo-Saxon pastime of blackguarding COX AND CO. +It will remind us of the piping days of war. There is too much peace about, +and the gentle and ever-forgiving COX AND CO. expect their customers to be +men of force and character, showing temper from time to time. Everybody +else may be demobilised; I remain a soldier, and as such I have my special +bank. Ah, me! the battles in Charing Cross are not the easy things they +used to be. No longer, as of old, I come fresh to the attack against a mere +underling, worn down by the assaults of wave after wave of brother-officers +attacking, before me. I enter the Territorial Department alone and am taken +on by a master-hand, supported and flanked by a number of unoccupied +subordinates. About the Spring of 1925, when I expect to be the only "T" +left, I anticipate the decisive moment when I shall cross swords or swop +bombs with Sir COX himself. Having bravely encountered "AND CO." these many +years, I shall not be daunted by that gilded knight. + +The war having once put me in possession of my COX AND CO., I had very +frequent recourse to them when in need of such solace as only money can +bring. The time arrived when I applied in vain; the money had disappeared. +Though I had no reason to suspect COX AND CO. of being dishonest I noticed +a tone of assuredness and self-complacency in their letters strangely +similar to that in my own, and I _knew_ that I was being dishonest, so I +demanded to see my pass-book. It was a horrid sight, and it gave me +seriously to think. How came it that the side of the book which showed my +takings was so clear and easily to be understood, but the side which showed +their takings wrapt in mystery and hieroglyphics such as not even the +world's leading financiers and mathematicians could hope to unravel? My +subaltern, being consulted, agreed with me; I would have had him carpeted +by the C.O. at once if he hadn't. + +I stepped round to COX AND CO. and had it out with them verbally. After a +discussion lasting half-an-hour, it was shown that I had been credited with +a week's pay to which I wasn't entitled and that a month's income-tax, to +which a grasping Government _was_ entitled, had not been deducted. I left +the building ninety-three shillings worse off than I entered it. + +I gave COX AND CO. six months to go wrong in, and then called for that +pass-book again. My eye fell upon a paying and deducting and refunding and +readjusting of an item itself so shameful that it dared only appear under +its initials. Why this oscillation? I asked myself. So we engaged upon +another correspondence, and another interview took place, at which I was +supported by my subaltern (who could multiply and add), and the bank-man +was supported by a young lady (who could divide and subtract). At the end +of a passionate discussion, which lasted fifty-seven minutes (forty-five of +them being after closing time) the conclusion was arrived at that the total +was correct to a halfpenny. Even COX AND CO. themselves were a bit +surprised at that. + +Years passed, and there was no doubt about it; the money continued to +disappear. Trusting that COX AND CO. were now lulled into a feeling of +false security I tried a surprise reconnaissance. I dropped in on them +without warning and asked to see that pass-book then and there. They +searched high and low, but they couldn't find it. I, on the other hand, +found it quite easily, when I searched amongst my papers at home. To me +this proved that I was the better searcher. My subaltern, however, would +have it that the circumstances gave me no right of action against COX AND +CO. His sympathies were clearly with them, so I requested him kindly to get +on with his own work and not to interfere further in my private affairs. He +went away in a huff, got demobilised and, I have little doubt, married the +young lady who divided and subtracted and, with her, set up a bank of his +own. I devoted my young life to the search for some person, firm or +corporation, expert in pass-books, haughty of demeanour, capable of getting +blood out of a stone and not likely to give even the devil his due; I +wanted such an ally for the next assault. + +I have always remained a civilian, and as such have retained my other +banker. A man of unlimited possessions, I may state accurately that I have +to-day no fewer than two banks of my own. Let us call this other one Box +and Co. That is not the real name, but it is as far as I dare go to refer +to them, even under an assumed name. Years of stern handling by them have +taken all the spirit out of me. It is as much as I can do to screw up my +courage so far as to ask the loan of a pound or two of my own money off +them. And there have been times, in the pre-1914 past, when I have felt it +would be better to go without money than to have the stuff thrown at me, +shovelled at me in that contemptuous offhand manner. I now repaired in +person to the premises of Box and Co., with their handsome marble façade +and their costly mahogany fittings, and had a word with Mr. Box himself. A +little artful flattery, a few simple lies and just a touch of ginger in the +matter of professional competition, and Box and Co. were brought into the +war. I handed them COX AND CO.'s pass-book and told them that now was their +time to go in and win. + +I used to look in every other day to see how the struggle went. At first +Box and Co. were confident, remarking on my wisdom in placing myself (and +my pass-book) in such competent hands as theirs. But as the correspondence +went on their enthusiasm wore off; Mr. Box gave vent to observations +reflecting ill on the Army system of pay, on the Army itself, even on that +part of it which was me. Had it not been that the pride of Box and Co. was +involved, I believe they would have gone to London in a body, there to form +a lifelong friendship with COX AND CO., out of pure fellow-feeling. But I +have hinted that Box and Co. were a cold inhuman institution, whose +business in life it was to do people down, or go down itself. And so COX +AND CO. had to be for it. Eventually, in the late winter of 1919, Box and +Co. extracted from COX AND CO. the admission that a five had been mistaken +for a three, and I had been done out of twopence, an affair all the more +gross in that it had happened as long ago as the early spring of 1915, and +never a word of remorse meanwhile! A conclusion by which neither Box nor +COX was really satisfied, but which, for me, was enough. We English may +only win one battle in a war, but that battle is the last. + +Possibly, my dear Charles, you have a soft spot in your heart for this COX +AND CO., never failing in courtesy and attention and ever heaped with +abuse? So, to be frank, have I. Let us turn round and blackguard the other +fellow. The sequel is incredible. + +I next handed my Box and Co. pass-book to COX AND CO., giving them a brief +and touching _résumé_ of my sad story of wrong and oppression, and bidding +them do their damnedest in their turn. They wrote to Box and Co.: "Our +customer, your customer, we may say THE customer, Second-Lieutenant, +Brevet-Lieutenant, Temporary Captain, Acting Major, Local Colonel, Aspiring +General (entered in your books as plain Mister) Henry Neplusultra, informs +us that, though he has banked with you since the first sovereign he earned +at his baptism, he has been so frowned at and scorned as to have been +rendered morally unable to handle his current balance. He instructs us...." + +But why relate the story in all its grim horror? Enough to say that so +successfully did COX AND CO. pursue their instructions that they discovered +a credit balance in my favour of 14s. 3d.; so politely and firmly did they +conduct the correspondence that eventually Box and Co. burst into tears, +admitted the claim and, upon my calling the other day personally to receive +satisfaction, handed me the 14s. 3d. with a deferential bow. If you doubt +the truth of this statement you have only to come round to my place, where +you can see for yourself the threepence, which is still in my possession. + +Yours ever, + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fusser._ "I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW JUST HOW MUCH THIS TRAIN IS +OVERDUE." + +_Cynic._ "A WATCH AIN'T NO GOOD--WHAT YOU WANT IS A HALMANACK."] + + * * * * * + +DAY BY DAY IN THE WORLD OF CRIME. + +(_By a well-known Professor of Larceny._) + +In these days when robbery with violence is an everyday occurence, few +people will trust themselves alone in railway carriages. Imagine, +therefore, my surprise, not unmingled with pleasure, on seeing a somewhat +pompous-looking individual, with the circumference and watch-chain of the +successful merchant, sitting alone in a first-class carriage on the +suburban up-line from Wallingford. I always travel from Wallingford, as it +is the one station on the line at which you are not required to show a +ticket on entry. Accordingly I entered the old gentleman's carriage, took +his ticket, and offered him a cigarette, which he accepted. I then opened +the conversation. + +"I wonder you wear your watch-chain so prominently," I remarked, +"especially during the present vogue of crime--so tempting, you know." + +"Ah!" he said, "so you may think; but, being a bit of a criminologist, I +have arranged that as a little trap. It is my belief that the pickpocket, +foiled in one particular, never attempts to rob his victim in any other +way. Now this chain cost me precisely ninepence. It is weighted at each end +with a piece of lead, which gives an appearance of genuineness to the +watch-pocket. I am heavily armed, in case he should attempt violence." + +It was here that I removed his pocket-book and slipped it into my +great-coat. Not daring to examine it openly, I fingered it cautiously, and +felt the stiff softness of bank-notes. I was so carried away with pleasure +that I was quite surprised to hear his voice returning from a distance. + +"As for my ticket," he continued, "that is a single from Wallingford to the +next station, Sadlington; it is two years old. My season I keep inside the +lining of my hat." + +It was here that I returned the ticket to his pocket. After all, I +reflected, I could pay at the other end with a very small portion of the +contents of the pocket-book, which I reckoned must contain at least +half-a-dozen fivers. + +"By the way," he added, "I have a passion for biscuits; will you join me in +one?" and he proffered a small tin. "I eat so many of them," he said, "that +I can write all my memoranda on the slips of paper from the tins, and these +I keep in my pocket-book. My money I keep next my season." + +It was here that I returned the pocket-book. + + * * * * * + +"THE OPTIMISTIC WAITERS. + + 'SOON WE SHALL GO BARK TO OUR WORK TRIUMPHANTLY.'"--_Evening Paper._ + +We hope that in the case of certain restaurants the bark will not be so bad +as the bite. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_who has something in her eye_). "IT'S STILL VERY +SORE, MUMMY. SHALL I GARGLE IT?"] + + * * * * * + +THE DEAD TREE. + + (_Being a terrible result of reading too much poetry in the modern + manner._) + + Slushy is the highway between the unspeakable hedges; + I pause + Irresolute under a telegraph-pole, + The fourteenth telegraph-pole on the way + From Shere to Havering, + The twenty-first + From Havering to Shere. + + Crimson is the western sky; upright it stands, + The solitary pole, + Sombre and terrible, + Splitting the dying sun + Into two semi-circular halves. + I do not think I have seen, not even in Vorticist pictures, + Anything so solitary, + So absolutely nude; + Yet this was an item once in the uninteresting forest, + With branches sticking out of it, and crude green leaves + And resinous sap, + And underneath it a litter of pine spindles + And ants; + Birds fretted in the boughs and bees were busy in it, + Squirrels ran noisily up it; + Now it is naked and dead, + Delightfully naked + And beautifully dead. + + Delightfully and beautifully, for across it melodiously, + Stirred by the evening wind, + The wires where electric messages are continually being despatched + Between various post-offices, + Messages of business and messages of love, + Rates of advertisements and all the winners, + Are vibrating and thrumming + Like a thousand lutes. + + Is the old grey heart of the telegraph pole stirred by these messages? + I fancy not. + Yet it all seems very strange; + And even stranger still, now that I notice it, + Is the fact that the thing is after all not absolutely naked, + For a short way up it, half obliterated with age, + Discoloured and torn, + Fastened on by tintacks, + There is a paper _affiche_ + Relating to swine fever. + + The sun sinks lower and I pass on, + On to the fifteenth pole from Shere to Havering, + And the twentieth + From Havering to Shere; + It is even more naked and desolate than the last. + I pause (as before).... + + [_Author._ We can start all over again now if you like. _Editor._ I + don't like.] + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +"HOPS. + + CANTERBURY, Saturday.--Trade was quiet, with prices steady, as follows: + --Kent mixed fleeces, 36d; lambs' wool, 22d to 24d; downs, 41d to 42d; + and half-bred fleeces, 38d to 39d per lb."--_Financial Paper._ + +This may help to explain the taste of "Government ale." + + * * * * * + + "By systematic and scientific training is it possible to produce that + perfect type of manhood gifted with the best powers of what we are wont + to call the 'lower orders of creation'--keen sighted and swift of + motion as a bird, sharp-scented as a greyhound, faithful and acute as a + dog, and full of sentient wisdom as an elephant."--_Daily Paper._ + +We are doubtful about the rest, but the greyhound part should be quite +easy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL EURYTHYMICS. + +AN ALLIED _PAS DE TROIS_ AND AN "ASSOCIATED" _PAS SEUL_.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Ko-ko_ (_Sir GORDON HEWART_). "PARDON ME, BUT THERE I AM +ADAMANT."] + +_Monday, February 16th._--The great AUCKLAND still reposes a touching faith +in the Profiteering Act. In his opinion it "has had a stabilising effect on +the price of clothing;" by which he means, I suppose, that West-End tailors +long ago nailed their high prices to the mast-head. + +In commending the Bill for the continuance of D.O.R.A., a _remanet_ from +last Session, the ATTORNEY-GENERAL was almost apologetic. He laid much +stress upon the "modest and attenuated form" which the measure now +presented, and the short time it was to remain in force. Serious objection +was taken by the Irish Members to the provision that in districts where a +proclamation is in force the D.O.R.A. regulations, instead of coming to an +end on August 31st, will continue for a year after the end of the War. This +they naturally interpreted as a means of continuing the military government +of Ireland, a country in which, according to Mr. DEVLIN, the Government had +as much right as the Germans in Belgium. The House, however, seemed to +agree with the Irish Attorney-General that in the present state of Ireland +it would not be wise to dispense with the regulations, and gave the Bill a +second reading by 219 votes to 61. + +Then the House turned to the discussion of the levy on capital. The +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was still inexorably opposed to a general levy, +but would like a toll on war-wealth alone, and proposed to set up a +Committee to consider whether it was practicable. Mr. ADAMSON frankly +declared that the Labour Party was in favour of a capital levy, but wanted +to get at the war-profits first. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN objected to widening the +scope of the inquiry on the ground that it would take too long, and also +that uncertainty would promote extravagance and discourage saving. And, +despite Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY'S naïve suggestion that we should +restore credit by making a bonfire of paper-money--he did not say +whose--the House agreed with the CHANCELLOR. + +[Illustration: COLONEL AMERY CRUSOE RETURNS FROM A SUCCESSFUL DAY WITH HIS +MAN FRIDAY.] + +_Tuesday, February 17th._--The Acting Colonial Secretary bubbled over with +delight as he described the success of the operations against the +Somaliland dervishes. The principal credit was due to the Royal Air Force, +but the native levies had also done their part effectively. The only fly in +Colonel AMERY'S ointment was the escape of that evasive gentleman, the +MULLAH, to whom he was careful on this occasion not to apply the epithet +"Mad." As, however, the MULLAH has lost all his forces, all his stock and +all his belongings, it is hoped that it will be at any rate some time +before he pops up again. + +The Coal Mines Bill was wisely entrusted to Mr. BRIDGEMAN. Lord SPENCER +once delighted the House of Commons by announcing that he was "not an +agricultural labourer"; and Mr. BRIDGEMAN similarly put it in a good temper +by admitting that he had never himself worked in a mine. But he showed +quite a sufficient acquaintance with his subject, and succeeded in +dispelling some of the fog that enshrouds the figures of coal-finance. The +miners, of course, objected to the Bill on the ground that it was not +nationalisation, but were left in a very small minority. + +A Private Members' debate on the Housing Problem occupied the evening. +There was much friendly criticism of the MINISTER OF HEALTH, for whom Major +LLOYD GREAME suggested a motto from the _Koran_:-- + + "This life is but a bridge; + Let no man build his house upon it." + +But the lapse of time is gradually bringing performance nearer to promise, +and Dr. ADDISON was able to announce that over one hundred thousand houses +were now "in the tender stage." Let us hope no bitter blast will nip them +in the bud. + +_Wednesday, February 18th._--The Lords returned to work after their week's +holiday in a rather gloomy mood. By some occult process of reasoning Lord +PARMOOR has convinced himself that the distress in Central Europe is +largely the fault of the Peace Conference. He was supported by Lord BRYCE, +who declared that the "Big Four" approached the business of Treaty-making +in a German rather than an English spirit (which sounds as if he thought +they never meant to keep it), and by Lord HALDANE, who, _more suo_, accused +the negotiators of having shown "no adequate prevision." Lord CRAWFORD +dealt pretty faithfully with the cavillers and pointed out that this +country had already spent twelve millions on relieving European distress, +and was prepared to spend nearly as much again when the United States was +ready to co-operate; but at present, he reminded them, that country was +still in a state of war with Germany. + +The one bright spot of the sitting was Lord HYLTON'S statement that the +National Debt, which was within a fraction of eight thousand millions on +December 31st, had since been reduced by eighty-five millions. The pace is +too good to last, but it is something to have made a start. + +For nearly four years we have been anxiously waiting to know what really +did happen at the battle of Jutland. The voluminous efforts of Admirals and +journalists have failed to clear up the mystery, and even Commander CARLYON +BELLAIRS has not satisfied everybody so completely as himself that his +recent work reveals the truth. But now the official history is on the eve +of publication and Mr. LONG no longer feels it necessary to keep the +secret. Here it is in his own words: "The _moral_ of the German fleet was +very seriously shaken." What a relief! + +It seems that the Turks were informed in advance of the intention of the +Peace Conference to let them stay at Constantinople in the hope that they +would forthwith abandon their sanguinary habits. Instead of which they +appear to have said to themselves, "What a jolly day! Let us go out and +kill something--Armenians for choice." So now a further message has been +sent to them to the effect that the new title to the old tenement is not +absolute but conditional, and that one of the covenants forbids its use as +a slaughterhouse. + +[Illustration: TAKING THE OFFERTORY. + +_MR. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN_ (_as Sidesman_). "THE THREEPENNY-BIT IS +ECONOMICAL, PERHAPS; BUT A DESIRABLE COIN, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, IT IS +NOT."] + +A modest little Bill empowering the Mint to manufacture coins worth +something less than their weight in silver aroused the wrath of Professor +OMAN. The last time, according to his account, that the coinage was thus +debased was in the days of HENRY VIII., whose views both on money and +matrimony were notoriously lax. Other Members were friendly to the project, +and Mr. DENNIS HERBERT, in the avowed interest of churchwardens, urged the +Government to seize the opportunity to abolish the threepeeny-bit, the +irreducible minimum of "respectable" almsgiving. The CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER, however, stoutly championed the elusive little coin, for which +he declared there was "an immense demand." + +On Captain HAMBRO'S motion deploring the action of certain trade-unions in +refusing to admit ex-Service men to their ranks the Labour Party heard some +very straight talking. The whips of Lady BONHAM-CARTER at Paisley were +nothing to the scorpions of ex-Private HOPKINSON, who has actually been +fined at the instance of the trade-unions because he insisted upon +employing some of his old comrades-in-arms. + +Mr. SEXTON'S rather maladroit attempt to shift the blame on to the +employers only deepened the impression that trade-unionism is developing +into a system of caste, in which certain occupations are reserved for +certain people. Only an elect bricklayer, for example, may lay bricks-- +though anybody can heave them--and the mere fact that a man has shouldered +a rifle in the service of his country in no way entitles him to carry a +hod. + +_Thursday, February 19th._--The impending advent of a Home Rule Bill is +greatly perturbing the little remnant of Irish Nationalist Members, +threatened with the extinction of their pet grievance. Although but seven +in number they made almost noise enough for seventy. Question-time was +punctuated with their plaints. The CHIEF SECRETARY did his best to soothe +them, but his remark that "no man in Ireland need be in prison if he will +obey the law" poured oil on the flames. + +Despite the reduction of the Question-ration from eight to four per Member, +the House collectively grows "curiouser and curiouser." This is partly due +to the popularity of PREMIER-baiting, now to be enjoyed on Mondays and +Thursdays. In future, Members are to be further restricted to three +Questions _per diem_; but no substantial relief is to be hoped for until +the House sets up its own censorship, with power to expunge all Questions +that are trivial, personal or put for purposes of self-advertisement. Not +many--a dozen or two daily, perhaps--would survive the scrutiny. + + * * * * * + +A NEW ISLE OF THE BLEST. + + (_The "Cubanisation" of Ireland, suggested by Mr. DE VALERA, is being + seriously discussed in Sinn Fein circles._) + + When Ireland is treated like Cuba, + As great DE VALERA suggests, + And the pestilent loyalist Pooh-Bah + No longer our island infests, + The Pearl that adorns the Antilles + We'll speedily duplicate here, + From the Lough in the North, that is Swilly's, + Right down to Cape Clear. + + The militant minstrels of Tara + Will change their war-harps for guitars; + And Clare, to be called Santa Clara, + Will grow the most splendid cigars; + On the banks of the Bann the banana + Will yield us its succulent fruit, + And the pig with the gentle iguana + Together will root. + + Our poets, both major and minor, + Will work the new Manganese vein, + And turn out a product diviner + Than even the Cubans obtain; + Limerigo, Galvejo, Doblino-- + How lovely and noble they sound! + And think of Don José Devlino + Cavorting around! + + We'll borrow a leaf from Havana; + We'll cultivate yuccas and yams; + The Curragh shall be our savannah, + Swept clear of all soldiers and shams; + And then to the cry of "Majuba" + We'll shatter the enemy's yoke, + When Ireland is governed like Cuba + And grows her own smoke. + + * * * * * + +DEAD SEA FRUIT. + +To-day the telephone has been installed. The members of our staff are going +about their duties in a dazed fashion, and I, to whose single-handed +tenacity the achievement is due, find myself unable in these first full +moments of triumph to concentrate on my every-day affairs. + +I can still remember that fresh summer morning when with springy step I set +out to call upon the District Contract Agent for the first time. Innocently +enough I expected to arrange for the installation of a telephone within the +next two or three days. But I recollect that as I ascended the steps of his +premises I became depressed by that House of Usher foreboding, and then, +when I witnessed the way in which an imperturbable official discomfited a +tempestuous gentleman who was giving tongue to a long list of his wrongs, +my carefully rehearsed and resolute address shrivelled on my lips and I +found myself asking tamely for a form. + +This form, _plus_ the information that telephones were more speedily +installed where ex-Service men were employed, was the net result of my +first encounter. + +And now, as I turn in reminiscent mood to a dusty file, I pause before one +of my early letters to the District Contract Agent: "... If you saw our +staff, who are without exception ex-soldiers, you would say at once that +they are a remarkably fine body of men and deserving of a telephone. They +mark their possessions with their initials in indelible pencil. Between +them they have seen service on every front, from Mespot to Ireland. Some +have been mentioned in despatches, many have figured in Cox's Book of +Martyrs, and our cashier _says_ that he once opened a tin of bully with the +key provided for that purpose. One of our juniors, Major Bays Waller, +O.B.E., who came to us from a Control Office and who advises us on our +filing, says that it is like coming from a home to a home. You must come +round and have a chat with him; you would have _so_ much in common. + +"Trusting that you will expedite the little matter of our telephone +installation, and assuring you that the spirit of our staff continues to be +excellent, etc...." + +Although this letter was signed "Henry Thomas, James & Sons," the District +Contract Agent's vague reply on the file before me commences: "Sir (or +Madam);" and I feel now, as I did then, that it is not in the best of taste +for him to brag as he does about his telephone and his "Private Branch +Exchange" on the very paper on which he writes to baffled applicants for +installation. + +From this time the correspondence is marked by an increasing bitterness on +my side and a level colourlessness on his. Only once did he assume the +offensive, which took the shape of a demand for four pounds for possible +services to be rendered at some period in the future. At Yuletide I hoped +that "during this season of goodwill he would see his way to give +instructions for the installation of our telephone," and in the New Year I +played once more the ex-Service employees' card:--"... Whatever views you +may hold on the policy of the withdrawal of British troops from Russia, we +are convinced that you will sympathise with our desire to extend a hearty +welcome to a member of our staff on his return to this office from +Murmansk; and we feel that, since he served with the R.E. Signals, it would +be a graceful compliment to him if we had the telephone installed. We +therefore cordially invite your co-operation so that this may take place +before his arrival.... The idea of installing a telephone in this office is +not in itself a novel one, as you may recollect that the suggestion has +cropped up in the correspondence that has passed between us...." + + * * * * * + +And now, as I have said, the telephone is installed. The instrument is +fashioned in a severe style (receiver and mouth-piece mounted on an ebonite +column of the Roman Doric Order), and it stands for all to see as a symbol +that in the seclusion of our offices we are in touch with the world at +large. But as a symbol only it must remain, for the voices of the outer +world that call us up as they search for other friends or obstruct us when +we in turn are, as it were, groping after ours, have already frayed the +temper of our staff. It was inevitable that under such constant irritation +these ex-Service men of ours would one day burst into strong military +idiom, so we have disconnected our telephone in order to avoid the calamity +of losing our lady-typist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST. + +_Scene._--RUNNYMEDE, 1215.] + + * * * * * + + "Man Wanted to lift 1,200 square yards of Turf at once--_Provincial + Paper._ + +Before applying for the job our young friend Foozle would like to know +whether he will be required to replace the divot. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"JUST LIKE JUDY." + +If the author of _Just Like Judy_ will look into that commodious classic, +_Mrs. Beeton's Cookery Book_, he will find a formula for light pastry. And +if he will proceed to the (for him) enlivening adventure of essaying a +tartlet, he will find that most fatal among a host of fatal errors will be +any failure to preserve the due proportion of ingredients. I do not suggest +that there is as rigid a formula for light comedy. But certainly Mr. DENNY +threw in too many unnecessary mystifications and crude explanations in +proportion to the wit, wisdom and lively incident of his confection. In +particular he was constantly making some of his characters tell the others +what we of the audience either already knew or quite easily guessed. To +exhaust my tedious-homely metaphor, if you put in a double measure of water +the mixture will refuse to rise. And that I imagine is essentially what +happened to _Just Like Judy_. + +Irish _Judy_, a charmingly pretty busybody, outwardly just like Miss IRIS +HOEY, comes to _Peter Keppel's_ studio and hears that this casual youth has +got into a deplorable habit of putting off his marriage with her friend +_Milly_. She (_Judy_) will see to that! She assumes the _rôle_ of a +notorious Chelsea model, whom proper _Peter_ has never seen. _Peter_ knocks +his head on the mantelpiece, just where a shrapnel splinter had hit him, +and is persuaded that she, _Judy McCarthy_, affecting to be _Trixie +O'Farrel_, is his wife. It all seems very horrible to him, but, shell-shock +or no shell-shock, he sets to work to paint her portrait in a business-like +way, and at the end of four hours it doesn't seem at all horrible. And by +the time it is explained that it was all a joke (some people do have such a +nice sense of humour) he is all for rushing off to the registry-office, +_Judy_ agreeing. + +Not that _Judy_ is a minx. She did her level best to make two people who +obviously didn't love one another fulfil their engagement, instead of, like +a sensible woman, accepting the inevitable, which was, as it happens, so +congenial to her. What puzzled me was _Peter's_ indignation with poor +_Milly_ when he found that she really didn't love him (but, on the +contrary, a bounder called _Crauford_), yet couldn't bear to cause him +unhappiness, and was sacrificing herself for him. As that was his attitude +precisely, I suppose he felt annoyed by this lack of originality. If we men +are like that, it wasn't nice of Mr. DENNY to give us away. + +At any rate I am sure Mr. DONALD CALTHROP didn't believe in _Peter_ all the +time. When he did he was very good indeed. When he didn't he was horrid. +Did Miss IRIS HOEY believe in _Judy_? I am not so sure. I suspect not. Did +I believe in either? I did not. + +I was a little surprised that Miss JOAN VIVIAN-REES should so overplay her +_Trixie_. Her work is certainly in general not like that, and I conjecture +the influence of some baleful autocrat of a producer. It seemed to me that +Miss MILDRED EVELYN'S _Milly_ was, all things considered, a capable and +consistent study of a desperately unsympathetic character, a more difficult +and creditable feat than is commonly supposed. + +T. + +"WILD GEESE." + +[Illustration: _Mr. JACK BUCHANAN_ (_Hon. Bill Malcolm_). "WHAT'S THE IDEA? +ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER?" + +_Miss PHYLLIS MONKMAN_ (_Violet Braid_). "NO. I JUST KEEP ON DOING THIS FOR +THE LOOK OF THE THING."] + +I should hesitate to accuse Mr. RONALD JEANS of originality in the design +of his musical trifle at the Comedy. The idea of a company of women that +bans the society of men is at least as old as the Attic stage. But it is to +his credit that though the theme invited suggestiveness he at least avoided +the licence of _The Lysistrata_. Indeed there were moments when his +restraint filled me with respectful wonder. Thus, though the Pacific Island +to which the Junior Jumper Club retired--with no male attendant but the +Club porter--clearly indicated a bathing scene, yet we had to be satisfied +with an occasional glimpse of an exiguous _maillot_ with nobody inside it. + +In fact, the fun throughout had a note of reserve and was never boisterous. +Mr. JACK BUCHANAN'S quiet methods in the part of the _Hon. Bill Malcolm_, +universal philanderer, lent themselves to this quality of understatement. +In a scene where he tried to extricate himself from a number of coincident +entanglements with various members of the Club he was quite amusing without +the aid of italics. Mr. GILBERT CHILDS, again, as _Weekes_--Club porter and +_Admirable Crichton_ of the island--though a little broader in his style, +was too clever to force the fun. + +The other sex, as was natural with women who affected a serious purpose, +had fewer chances, and Miss PHYLLIS MONKMAN spoilt hers by a bad trick of +hunching her shoulders and waggling her arms as if she were out for a +cake-walk on Montmartre. + +There were touches of humour in Mr. CUVILLIER'S tuneful music and in the +limited movements of the best-looking chorus that I have seen for a long +time. + +As for the plot, it had at least the merit of continuity and conformed to +the logic, seldom too severe, of this kind of entertainment, as distinct +from the so-called _revue_. Nearly everything was well within my +intelligence, the chief exception being the title; for never surely did a +wild-goose chase offer such easy sport. The birds were just asking to be +put into the bag. I should myself have preferred, out of compliment to the +chorus, to call the play "Wild Ducks," only, of course, IBSEN had been +there before. Not that this would have greatly troubled an author who +showed so little regard for the proprietary rights of ARISTOPHANES and Sir +JAMES BARRIE. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +WITCHES. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "'tis born in 'em maybe, + The same as fits an' freckles an' follerin' the sea, + An' ginger hair in some folks--an' likin' beer in me. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, "an' powerful strong ones too; + They'll whistle a wind from nowhere an' a storm out o' the blue + 'Ud sink this here old hooker an' all her bloomin' crew. + + "Finns, they're witches," said Murphy, rubbing his hairy chin, + "An' some counts witchcraft bunkum, an' some a deadly sin, + But--there ain't no harm as I see in standing well with a Finn." + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +OUR CYNICAL PRESS. + + "Mr. ----, M.P., is leaving home for a fortnight's rest."--_Scotch + Paper._ + + * * * * * + +PROTECTION FROM BURGLARS. + +FOR IDEAL AND OTHER HOMES. + +[Illustration: HAVING SEEN THAT THE FRONT-DOOR BURGLAR ALARM-GONG IS IN +WORKING ORDER-- + +AND THE PASSAGE SPRING-TRAP ADJUSTED TO A NICETY-- + +AND THE PATENT PROTECTIVE STAIR-CREAK RECORDER IS SET TO THE RIGHT KEY-- + +AND YOUR SYNCHRONISED WINDOW-CATCH WARNING SYSTEM GEARED PROPERLY-- + +YOU CAN JUST GIVE A LOOK AT THE MECHANISM CONTROLLING THE BURGLAR +CHLOROFORM SHOWER-- + +ARRANGE YOUR BARBED-WIRE-ENTANGLEMENT RUG-- + +RUN THROUGH YOUR JIU-JITSU EXERCISES ACCORDING TO CHART-- + +FIX YOUR INTERIOR BEDROOM-DOOR DEFENCES-- + +AND GO TO BED.] + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRIGIBLE. + + Ernest was a sprightly youth + With a passion for the truth, + Who, the other day, began + His career as midshipman. + 'Twas not in the least degree + Vulgar curiosity + Urging him to ask the reason + Why, both in and out of season; + 'Twas but keenness; all he lacked + Was a saving sense of tact. + + Once the Lieut. of Ernie's watch, + Dour, meticulous and Scotch, + Thought he'd show the timid snotty + (Newly joined) exactly what he + Wanted when inspecting men. + Closely Ernest watched, and then + Said, saluting, "Sir, I note + Several creases in your coat, + And I see upon your trouser + Signs of paint-work; yet just now, Sir, + Did you not think fit to blame + One poor man who had the same?" + + Ere that outraged Lieut. replied + Suddenly our hero spied + Coming aft, his labours done, + Our benignant Number One + (_Most_ abstemious is he, + And, in fact, a strict T.T., + But--it shows how Fate can blunder-- + No one could be rubicunder. + Ernest, after one swift glance, + Said, "Excuse my ignorance, + But, Sir, can you tell me why + You are always red, while I, + Even when I drink a lot, + Only flush if I am hot?" + + Just as Number One grew pale + And collapsed against the rail, + Striving grimly not to choke, + Ernest heard the busy Bloke + Calling loudly, "Let her go!" + To a seaman down below; + "Fool! the cutter's bound to ram you, + Push the pinnace forrard, damn you!" + Ernest shook his youthful head + And he very gently said + Into his Commander's ear, + "You forget yourself, I fear. + May I ask what you would do + If I used that word to _you_? + Is it worthy, Sir, of an + Officer and gentleman?" + + Aft ran little Ernest, only + Pausing when he saw a lonely + Figure bright with golden lace + Who appeared to own the place. + "Ah!" thought Ernie, "I know you; + You're the luckless Captain who + (Though you hadn't then a beard) + Most unwillingly appeared + But a year ago or less + In the Illustrated Press." + "Tell me, Sir," the youngster cried, + Crossing to the Captain's side + Of the sacred quarterdeck-- + "How did you contrive the wreck + Of the cruiser you commanded + When she bumped the beach and stranded?" + + You may say, "He is so brave he + Ought some day to rule the Navy." + Certainly he _ought_, but still + I'm afraid he never will; + For they talked to him so gruffly + And they handled him so roughly + That, when he was fit to drop + And the kindly Bloke said, "Stop! + Or you'll make him even madder; + He is wiser now and sadder," + Ernest simply answered, "Ay, Sir, + You have _made_ me sad; but why, Sir?" + + * * * * * + +ÆQUAM MEMENTO. + +"I wonder," said Mary for the third time, "if we shall catch the tram at +the other end." + +"Calmness," I told her--this for the second time--"is the essence of +comfortable travel. Meeting trouble half-way--" + +"It isn't half-way," she said indignantly. "We're nearly there." + +We were on a bus whose "route" terminated some five miles from home, which +we proposed to reach by a tram, and, the hour being late, it was our +chances of catching a car that were worrying Mary. + +"Never get flurried," I went on. "If people would only go ahead calmly and +steadily.... What causes half our traffic congestion? Flurry. What makes it +so difficult to move quickly in the streets? Flurry. What is it clogs the +wheels of progress everywhere?" + +"Don't tell me," she implored. "Let me guess. Flurry." + +"Exactly," I said, and at this point we reached our terminus. Two trams +were waiting, one behind the other, some thirty yards away, and, as we +descended the steps of the bus, the bell of the first one rang warningly. +Mary would have started running, but I detained her. + +"Flurrying again," I said indulgently. "Here are two trams, but of course +you must have the first one, however full it is," and I led her towards the +second. As I expected, it was quite empty, and I was still using it to +point my moral when its conductor began juggling with the pole. It was then +that I realised that, though on the down lines, this car was going no +further. It was, in fact, turning round for its journey back to London, +while in the distance the rear lights of our last down tram seemed to wink +a derisive farewell. + +There was nothing for it but to go ahead calmly and steadily, and we did +so. It was somewhere about the end of the fourth mile that Mary asked +suddenly:-- + +"What was it you said clogged the wheels of progress everywhere?" + +"Flurry," I said feebly. + +"Well, _I_ think it's blisters," she said. + + * * * * * + +FILM NOTES. + +Those who are still inclined to question whether the cinema is to be +regarded as a serious force in the realm of Art should not only read the +frequent contributions to _The Times_ and other newspapers on this +department of the drama, but should bear in mind that quite recently it has +been stated that both the Rev. SILAS K. HOCKING and Mr. JACK DEMPSEY have +taken part in photo-plays. It cannot be doubted that the peculiar talent +required for making the heart of the people throb is being revealed in the +most unlikely places. + + * * * * * + +If proof were needed that the art of the film is a dangerous rival to that +of the stage, we would point to the five-reel drama, _The Call of the +Thug_, of which a private trade view was given last week. Miss Flora +Poudray, who is here featured--her name is new to us--proves to be a screen +actress of superb gifts. We have seen nothing quite so subtly perfect as +her gesture of dissent when the villain proposes that he and she together +should strangle the infant heir to the millionaire woollen merchant on the +raft during the thunder-storm. Patrons of the cinema will do well to look +out for this delicate yet moving passage. The film will be released as +early as November, 1921. + + * * * * * + + "MR. BALFOUR ON OUR WAR CRIMINALS LIST."--_Daily Paper._ + +We simply can't believe it. + + * * * * * + + "The amount of coal available for home consumption last year was 4,385 + tons per head of the population."--_Evening Paper._ + +Then somebody else must have collared our share. + + * * * * * + +"LIVE STOCK AND PETS. + + GENERAL, family 2; liberal wages and outings."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +The difficulty with "pets" of this kind is that they are hard to get and +almost impossible to keep. + + * * * * * + + "An Englishman usually finds it about as difficult to produce an R from + his thoat as to produce a rabbit from a top-hat--both feats require + practice."--_Provincial Paper._ + +In this case we fear it can't be done, even with practice. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Mrs. P.-W.S._ (_to P.-W.S., who has been pulled off at a gate, +consolingly_). "NEVER MIND, HENRY; THE HUNTING SEASON IS NEARLY OVER, AND +YOU HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE DONE YOUR DUTY IN THE +STATION TO WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The publishers of _Peter Jackson: Cigar Merchant_ (HUTCHINSON) seem in +their announcements to be desperately afraid lest anyone should guess it to +be a War book. It is, they suggest, the story of the flowering of perfect +love between two married folk who had drifted apart. It is really an +admirable epitome of the War as seen through one pair of eyes and one +particular temperament. I don't recall another War novel that is so +convincing. The almost incredible confusions of the early days of the +making of K.'s army; the gradual shaping of the great instrument; the +comradeship of fine spirits and the intrigues of meaner; leadership good +and less good; action with its energy, glory and horror; reaction (with +incidentally a most moving analysis of the agonies of shell-shock and +protracted neurasthenia) after the long strain of campaigning--all this is +brought before you in the most vivid manner. Mr. GILBERT FRANKAU writes +with a fierce sincerity and with perhaps the defects of that sincerity--a +bitterness against the non-combatant which was not usual in the fighting- +man, at least when he was fighting; or perhaps it was only that they were +too kind then to say so. Also as "one of us" he is a little overwhelmed by +the sterling qualities of the rank-and-file--qualities which ought, he +would be inclined to assume, to be the exclusive product of public-school +playing-fields. I haven't said that _Peter Jackson_ gave up cigars and +cigarettes for the sword, and beat that into a plough-share for a +small-holding when the War was done. A jolly interesting book. + + * * * * * + +I found the arrangement of _The Clintons and Others_ (COLLINS) at first a +little confusing, because Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, instead of keeping his +_Clinton_ tales consecutive, has mixed them democratically with the +_Others_. Our first sight of the family (and incidentally the most +agreeable thing in the volume) is provided by "Kencote," a brightly- +coloured and engaging anecdote of Regency times, and of the plucking of an +honoured house from the ambiguous patronage of the First Gentleman in +Europe. I found this delightful, spirited, picturesque and original. Thence +we pass to the _Others_, to the theme (old, but given here with a pleasant +freshness of circumstance) of maternal craft in averting a threatened +mésalliance, to a study of architecture in its effect upon character, to a +girls' school tale; finally to the portrait of a modern _Squire Clinton_, +struggling to adjust his mind to the complexities of the War. This last, a +character-study of very moving and sympathetic realism, suffers a little +from a defect inherent in one of Mr. MARSHALL'S best qualities, his gift +for absolutely natural dialogue. The danger of this is that, as here in the +bedroom chatter of the Squire's daughters, his folk are apt to repeat +themselves, as talk does in nature, but should not (I suppose) in art. +Still this is a small defect in a book that is sincere in quality and +convincingly human in effect. _The Clintons and Others_ is certainly miles +away from the collections of reprinted pot-boilers that at one time brought +books of short stories into poor repute. Mr. MARSHALL and Others (a select +band) will rapidly correct this by giving us in small compass work equal to +their own best. + + * * * * * + +_Shuttered Doors_ (LANE) is what you might call a third-and-fourth- +generation story--one of those books, so rightly devastating to the +skipper, in which the accidental turning of two pages together is quite +liable to involve you with the great-grandchildren of the couple whose +courtship you have been perusing. Observe that I was careful to say the +"accidental" turning, though I can picture a type of reader who might soon +be fluttering the pages of _Shuttered Doors_ in impatient handfuls. The +fact is that Mrs. WILLIAM HICKS BEACH has here written what is less a novel +than a treatise, tasteful, informed and sympathetic, on county life and +manners and houses. The last of these themes especially has an undisguised +fascination for her. When _Aletta_, the chief heroine, was left pots of +money by a Dutch uncle (who was so far from filling his proverbial _rôle_ +that he hardly talked at all) she spent it and her enthusiasm, indeed her +existence, in restoring two variously dilapidated mansions--Graythorpes, +her husband's home, and Doller Place, left her by an appreciative aunt. +When not thus employed she would be reading a paper on Homes (given here +_in extenso_), or comparing those of other persons with her own. I don't +want you to get the impression that _Shuttered Doors_ is precisely arid; it +is too full of ideas and vitalities for that; but it does undoubtedly +demand a special kind of reader. Incidentally, Mrs. HICKS BEACH should +revise her chronology. For _Aletta_, who was married at twenty-eight and +died at sixty-two, to have had at that time a grandson on the staff of the +Viceroy of India, he must have received his appointment before the age of +fifteen--which even in these experimental days sounds a little premature. + + * * * * * + +Do not allow yourself to be misled by the fact that the portrait on the +paper cover of _Maureen_ (JENKINS) does, I admit, remarkably suggest a lady +whose mission in life is the advertisement of complexion soap. You probably +know already that the methods of Mr. PATRICK MACGILL are made of sterner +stuff. This "Story of Donegal," which I have no intention of giving in +detail, is the history of the course of true love in an Irish village, full +of types which, I dare say, are realistically observed; verbose in places +to an almost infuriating degree (not till page 61 does the heroine so much +as put her nose round the scenery), but working up to a climax of +considerable power. _Maureen_, I need hardly say, was as fair as moonrise, +but suffered from the drawback of an irregular origin, which took the poor +girl a great deal of living down. Nor need I specify the fact that most of +the male characters in the district are soon claimants for her hand. Really +this is the plot. Having betrayed so much, however, nothing shall persuade +me to expose the bogie scenes on the midnight moor, where the villain +combines his illicit whiskey manufacture with his courtship, and where +finally the three protagonists come by a startling finish. _Maureen_ is not +a story that I should recommend save for readers with abundant leisure; but +those whose pluck and endurance carry them to the kill will certainly have +their reward. + + * * * * * + +In _Memories of a Marine_ (MURRAY) Major-General Sir GEORGE ASTON records +for us, cosily and anecdotally, a life spent in service, not only of the +active kind--in Egypt and South Africa--but also as a Staff College +Professor, and, more intriguingly, as an expert in Secret Intelligence in +the cloisters of Whitehall or up and down the Mediterranean. If his book is +not so sensational in the matter of revelations as the current fashion +requires, it has a restful interest all its own, varied here and there with +some very attractive stories. To give just one example, the author, when +setting out to co-ordinate the work of various authorities in a certain +harbour, found a signal buoy, a torpedo station, a fixed mine and a boom, +each under separate control, all included in the defences. But the torpedo +could not be launched unless the buoy were first cleared away, and the +mine, if fired, would blow up the boom. One would have welcomed more of +this sort of thing, for the truth is that even restfulness may be overdone +and discretion become almost too admirable. Occasionally too the writer +enlarges a little on--well, he enlarges a little, as anyone would with half +his provocation. Still, for all comrades of his service, at any rate, every +word he has written will be of interest; and perhaps he does not really +mind so much about the general public, though he has had the good sense to +crown his work with an apposite quotation from _Punch_. + + * * * * * + +_The Specials_ (HEINEMANN) is the story of the Metropolitan Special +Constabulary, and it would have been a thousand pities if it had not been +told. Colonel W.T. REAY'S book will stand as a record of invaluable service +performed by a devoted body of men, service for which the whole nation--and +London in particular--has every reason to be grateful. If I understand +Colonel REAY rightly he doesn't wish bouquets to be thrown at the Specials, +but he would not, I think, discourage me from saying that they performed +dangerous and ticklish work with unfailing resource and tact. All of us +know that they desire no other reward for their services than the +satisfaction of having done their duty; but our gratitude demands to be +heard; and I for one take this occasion to trumpet forth the "All clear" +signal with feelings of affectionate pride. + + * * * * * + +If _By Way of Bohemia_ (SKEFFINGTON) is a fair sample of Mr. MARK +ALLERTON'S work I have been missing a number of very readable stories. His +hero, _Hugh Kelvin_, a journalist (they must be rare) who had no very good +conceit of himself, married a barmaid, and she ran his house as if it were +a third-class drinking saloon. She was one of those women who for want of a +better word we call impossible; but she found _Hugh_ as unsatisfactory as +he found her. In the circumstances the union had to be dissolved, and, +although I suspect Mr. ALLERTON'S tongue of being very near his cheek when +he contrived _Hugh's_ escape from a life of sordid misery, I admit that his +solution of the difficulty is cleverly told. And, after all, coincidences +do happen in real life, and it would be unfair to Providence to suppose +that they were not put there for a useful purpose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME AWAY, ROBERT. YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THEY PUT CHEESE IN +THERE JUST FOR FUN AT TWO SHILLINGS A POUND?"] + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman washes to be received as Paying Guest."--_Daily Paper._ + +A very proper preliminary. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, February 25th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16509-8.txt or 16509-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/0/16509/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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