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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 3rd, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 3rd, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 20, 2005 [EBook #16563]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+March 3rd, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A lunatic who recently escaped from an asylum was eventually recaptured in
+a large dancing-hall in the West-End. The fact that he was waltzing
+divinely and keeping perfect time with the music aroused the other dancers'
+suspicions and led to his recapture.
+
+* * *
+
+The latest type of Tank, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL informed the House of
+Commons, weighs thirty tons and can pass over a brick without crushing it.
+It is said to be modelled on the Profiteering Act.
+
+* * *
+
+The proposal of the HOME SECRETARY to add fifty per cent. to taxi-cab fares
+and abolish the initial charge of sixpence is said to find favour both with
+owners and drivers. The men in particular have always chafed at the
+necessity of messing about with small silver.
+
+* * *
+
+Much sympathy is felt locally for the man who in the excitement caused by
+the declaration of the poll at Paisley lost his corkscrew.
+
+* * *
+
+"The ex-Kaiser was responsible for the War," says the _Kölnische Zeitung_.
+Our Hush-hush Department seems to have grown very lax of late.
+
+* * *
+
+A welcome case of judicial sympathy is reported from West London. It
+appears that a Society lady charged with shop-lifting pleaded that she was
+the sole support of two kennel-ridden poodles, and was immediately
+discharged.
+
+* * *
+
+The Press reports the existence of miles and miles of war-material in huge
+dumps near Calais and Boulogne. War Office officials, we hear, are greatly
+relieved, as they have been trying for several months to remember where
+they had left the stuff.
+
+* * *
+
+A lady with small capital would like to meet another similarly situated,
+with a view to the joint purchase of a reel of thread.
+
+* * *
+
+At Jerusalem a tree has been uprooted whose fall is locally believed to
+presage the destruction of the Turkish Empire. It is only fair to the tree
+to point out that if it had known of this it would probably, like the
+Government, have changed its mind at the last minute.
+
+* * *
+
+"One of the problems of civilized humanity," says a writer in _The Daily
+Mail_, "is the avoidance of pain-producing elements in ordinary diet."
+Nowadays it is impossible to eat even so simple a thing as a boiled egg in
+a restaurant without the risk of being stung.
+
+* * *
+
+The identity of the gentleman who, under the initials "A.G.," recently
+advertised in the Press for the thyroid gland of _Proteus diplomaticus_
+remains unrevealed.
+
+* * *
+
+It appears that the Government have undertaken not to engage in any more
+war with the Bolshevists, if they, for their part, will endeavour to quell
+the peace which is still raging.
+
+* * *
+
+"Englishmen will never forget America," says a Service paper. For ourselves
+we had hoped that the American bacon affair was closed.
+
+* * *
+
+A burglar broke into a barrister's chambers in the Temple last week. We
+understand that he got away without having any money taken off him.
+
+* * *
+
+A woman who said she had had six husbands asked a London magistrate to
+grant her a separation. It is supposed that she is breaking up her
+collection.
+
+* * *
+
+Owing to the thick fog experienced in London, last week several daylight
+hold-ups were unavoidably postponed.
+
+* * *
+
+With the present fashion in ladies' wear many owners of beautiful brooches
+are in the unhappy position of having nothing to attach them to.
+
+* * *
+
+In order to raise funds for the building of a new church-porch in a
+Birmingham parish a member of the committee suggested the sale of small
+flags in the street. Struck by the originality of this novel idea the
+chairman agreed to go into the matter in order to see if it was
+practicable.
+
+* * *
+
+A farmer writing from Bridgnorth, Salop, to a daily paper states that he
+has a tame fox which guards the house at night and shepherds the sheep by
+day. We understand that the Dogs' Trade Union takes a serious view of the
+whole matter, but is not without hope of being able to avert a strike.
+
+* * *
+
+The real value of co-operation was illustrated the other day on the
+Underground Railway when a lady complained that a straphanger was standing
+on her foot. Word was immediately passed down the carriage, with the result
+that by a combined swaying movement in one direction the offender was
+enabled to remove his foot.
+
+* * *
+
+It is estimated that three hundred and forty thousand persons made fortunes
+out of the War. Of these it is only fair to say that the number who
+actually encouraged the War to happen are few. The vast majority simply
+allowed it to come along and do its worst.
+
+* * *
+
+The Corporation of London made £18 on the sale of waste paper in the year
+1919-1920, as compared with over £9000 in the year 1918-1919. It looks as
+if in the last-named year the Corporation was in communication with a
+Government Department.
+
+* * *
+
+"Why will not Scotsmen eat eels?" asks _The Manchester Guardian_. We cannot
+say, but we have always understood that the attitude is reciprocal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY--ER--HATS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POST-WAR HERO.
+
+  It was a stainless patriot, who could not bear to fight
+  For England the oppressor, or own that she was right;
+  But when the War was over, to show his martial breed,
+  He shot down three policemen and made a woman bleed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAISLEY TO THE RESCUE OF THE COALITION.
+
+(_The PRIME MINISTER to Mr. ASQUITH_)
+
+  Welcome, for Old Long Since's sake,
+    Home to your ancient seat!
+  It needed only this to make
+    My cup of joy complete;
+  The weary waiting time is past;
+    The yawning vacuum is mended;
+  And here we have you back at last--
+    Oh, HERBERT, this is splendid!
+
+  As one whose wisdom overflows
+    With human nature's lore,
+  You know they make the keenest foes
+    Who have been friends before;
+  We loved as only Liberals do
+    Until their rival sabres rattle
+  And Greek joins Greek (like me and you)--
+    Then is the tug of battle.
+
+  As an old Parliamentary hand
+    Familiar with the ropes,
+  Those perils you will understand
+    With which a Premier copes
+  Whose big battalions run to seed,
+    Having indulged a taste for slacking,
+  And let their muscles moult for need
+    Of foemen worth the whacking.
+
+  Such was my case. By habit's use
+    They still obeyed the whip,
+  But loyal zeal grew limp and loose
+    And things were left to rip;
+  I had no hope to stay the rot
+    And fortify their old affections
+  (Save for the stimulus they got
+    From losing by-elections).
+
+  Daily I took, to keep me fit,
+    My tonic in _The Times_;
+  Daily recovered tone and grit
+    Reading about my crimes;
+  But one strong foe is what we lack
+    To put us on our best behaviour;
+  That's why in you I welcome back
+    The Coalition's saviour.
+
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUCTION IN THE SPACIOUS TIMES.
+
+"It is Our Royal pleasure to will and declare one diamond," said the VIRGIN
+QUEEN, when the Keeper of the Privy Purse had arranged her hand for her.
+Sir WALTER RALEIGH, who sat on her left, was on his feet in a twinkling.
+"Like to like, 'twas ever thus," he murmured, bowing low to his Sovereign.
+"I crave leave to call two humble clubs, as becometh so mean a subject of
+Your Majesty," It is not known whether his allusion to the QUEEN'S call was
+intended to refer to the diamond rings upon HER MAJESTY'S fingers or to the
+scintillating glint in HER MAJESTY'S eyes, but she inclined her head
+graciously in acknowledgment of his remarks before turning to her partner.
+
+"What say you, my Lord of LEICESTER?" she asked. "Wilt support a poor weak
+woman?" His Lordship, however, looked down his noble nose and said nothing
+for quite a long time. He found himself, to use a vulgar phrase, in the
+_consommé_. His hand contained the ace, king and six other spades, nothing
+to write home about in hearts or clubs, and one small diamond. To take from
+his partner the right to play the hand would be the act of a fool--the mere
+thought made him raise a hand to his neck as though to assure himself of
+its continuity. Even failure to support her call would be looked on as
+ungallant, if nothing worse.
+
+"How now, sirrah? Art sleeping in Our presence?" prompted the QUEEN
+sharply.
+
+The EARL swallowed noisily once or twice, just to show that he was awake,
+and then plunged.
+
+"An it please you, Madam, two diamonds," he muttered, with but a sorry show
+of his habitual arrogance.
+
+"Double!" said Sir FRANCIS DRAKE in crisp seamanlike tones, whereat the
+Earl of LEICESTER was seen to fumble for the hilt of his rapier.
+
+"Stay, my Lord," his liege commanded; "'tis true the Knight hath left his
+manners in Devonshire, or on the Spanish main mayhap, but keep your brawl
+for an hour and place more fitting. We redouble."
+
+A momentary silence followed the QUEEN'S discourse, cut short by the
+uncouth ejaculation "'Ods fish!" which escaped from Sir FRANCIS apparently
+without his consent. He embarked on an apology at once, based on the fact
+that he was but an honest sailor; but, meeting with no encouragement, he
+gave it up and fell to sucking his teeth.
+
+Sir WALTER meanwhile made good use of the interval to perfect a flower of
+speech signifying, in a manner worthy a courtier of his reputation, that he
+was content. His effort drew from the QUEEN a glance as nearly approaching
+the "glad eye" as any that august spinster was ever known to dispense. The
+Laird of Kenilworth announced that he also was content; but historians
+should accept the statement with reserve. Sir FRANCIS either wasn't sure
+whether the rules of the game allowed him to double again, or else had just
+enough tact not to do so. The game then proceeded.
+
+Sir WALTER led the ace of clubs. The appearance of the noble lord's
+solitary little diamond, as he laid down his hand, was greeted by a loud
+hiccough from the old salt, and the QUEEN herself was only saved from
+swooning by the timely administrations of a page with a flask of sal-
+volatile.
+
+When, fourth in hand, she trumped the honest sailor's ace, her partner had
+the hardihood to make conventional inquiry as to whether she had any clubs.
+HER MAJESTY uttered in reply the one dreadful word, "Treason," thus
+avoiding with true statesmanship any direct answer to the question, and
+indicating clearly her opinion of his two-diamond call. The Keeper of the
+Privy Purse shot out a lean hand and gathered in the trick.
+
+With the help of the ace of spades in dummy, the ace of hearts in her own
+hand, and a discriminating use of her Royal prerogative in the matter of
+following suit, all went well until the odd trick had been won. After that,
+however, Sir FRANCIS, who had not doubled without good reason, proceeded to
+deal out six diamonds, led by the ace, king and queen. His partner unwisely
+allowed his feelings to get the better of him. "As WILL SHAKSPEARE hath
+it," he observed with unction, "'now is the winter of our discontent made
+glorious summer--'" but stopped on a sudden, with ears and scalp twitching
+horribly.
+
+"Ho without! Summon the guard!" roared the last of the Tudors, and
+immediately an N.C.O. and six private beef-eaters appeared on the scene.
+"Convey Our compliments to the Governor of the Tower," she continued,
+addressing the N.C.O., "and bid him confine the Earl of LEICESTER during
+Our pleasure. My Lord," she added, turning to her luckless partner, "'twere
+well, methinks, you should have leisure in which to reflect on the folly of
+trifling with a woman."
+
+It is greatly to the EARL'S credit that at this point he made strenuous
+endeavours to surrender his sword in accordance with the drill-book, but as
+it refused to come out of its scabbard he was obliged to unbutton the frog
+from his belt and hand over the weapon complete with leather gear. This
+formality achieved, he was led away to durance vile.
+
+Sir FRANCIS, poor fellow, fared scarcely better than the Earl. "Begone to
+sea, Sir Knight," hissed the QUEEN; "mayhap the Dons will teach you more
+becoming manners. Begone, I say, and look to 't your ships return not
+empty, else shall you not receive payment of your winnings."
+
+Sir FRANCIS went.
+
+A glance at the pitiable condition of Sir WALTER caused HER MAJESTY'S heart
+to soften somewhat. "Come, Sir," she cooed, "an arm, prithee, and We will
+seek a place where you may read to Us the mummings of this strange bard,
+WILL SHAKSPEARE."
+
+Sir WALTER at once regained control of his nerve-centres and escorted HER
+MAJESTY from the painful scene.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ELUSIVE PEST.
+
+JOHN BULL. "GOT HIM!"
+
+THE PROFITEER. "I DON'T THINK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Patient._ "AND YOU REALLY THINK THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH
+MY EYESIGHT?"
+
+_Oculist._ "NOTHING AT ALL. PERFECTLY NORMAL."
+
+_Patient._ "AH, THEN IT MUST BE THE WAY I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY PUTTER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEORGE AND THE COW-DRAGON.
+
+The "rockerty-tockerty-tock" refrain of the carriage-wheels below me
+changed into a jarring whine as the train came to a full stop. I looked out
+on a dim-lit platform which seemed to be peopled only by a squad of
+milk-cans standing shoulder to shoulder like Noah's Ark soldiers.
+
+As the engine shrieked and plunged into its collar again the door was
+jerked open and a man projected himself into the carriage and, opening the
+window so that the compartment was flooded with cold air, leaned out and
+resumed his conversation with a friend till the train bore him out of
+shouting range. He then pulled up the window, trod on my foot, sat on my
+lap and eventually came to rest on the seat opposite me.
+
+It was a small man, red of head and bright of eye. He wore his cap at the
+back of his head, so as to exhibit to an admiring world a carefully-
+cultured curl of the "quiff" variety, which was plastered across his
+forehead with a great expenditure of grease. His tie was a ready-made bow
+of shot-colours, red, green, blue and purple, and from his glittering
+watch-chain hung many fanciful medals, like soles upon a line.
+
+"Brother-in-law to me," he remarked, jerking his thumb towards the
+back-rushing lights of Exeter.
+
+"Who?" I inquired.
+
+"That young feller I was talking to just now. Didn't you see me talking to
+a young feller?"
+
+"Oh, yes, I believe I did hear you talking to somebody."
+
+"Well, him. Married a sister to me, so he's my brother-in-law, ain't he?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"Well, you're wrong then. He's only a half-brother-in-law, because she is
+only a half-sister to me, her ma marrying my old man. Understand?"
+
+I said I did and pulled up my rug as a signal that I was going to sleep and
+the conversation was at an end.
+
+"Anyhow, whatever he is, he's good enough for her."
+
+I remarked that that was most satisfactory and closed my eyes.
+
+He drew out a yellow packet of cigarettes, selected one and held them in my
+direction. I declined and again closed my eyes.
+
+"Very good, please yourself, it's one more for little Willie. All I can say
+is that you're foolish not taking a good fag when it don't cost you
+nothing. You don't catch me refusing a free fag even when I don't want to
+smoke. I takes it and puts it in my cap for when I do. Pounds I've saved
+that way, pounds and pounds."
+
+He lit his limp tube of paper and mystery, stamped out the match and spat
+deliberately on the floor.
+
+"See me do that?"
+
+I nodded with as much disgust as I could contrive.
+
+"Know what them notices say I can get for that? Fined or imprisoned."
+
+He paused for me to marvel at his daring.
+
+"Think I'm mad to take risks like that, don't cher? Well, I aren't neither.
+They couldn't catch me out, not they."
+
+He brushed some ash off his lap on to mine and winked sagely.
+
+"Suppose the guard was to come in here and start fining and imprisoning me
+for it, do you know what I'd do? I'd swear _you_ did it."
+
+"But I should deny it," I retorted hotly.
+
+"Of course you would, old chum, and I shouldn't blame you neither, but you
+wouldn't stand no chance against me"--he leaned forward and tapped me on
+the knee as though to emphasize his words--"_I could lie your life away_."
+
+He sank back in his seat, his face aglow with conscious superiority. The
+clamour of the wheels increased as if they were live things burning with
+the fever of some bloodthirsty hunt.
+
+"Firing her up," said the red man; "always racing time, these passenger
+wagons. It's a dog's life and no blooming error." He prodded my foot with
+his. "I said 'it's a dog's life and no error.'"
+
+"What is?" I growled.
+
+"Engine-driving, of course. I'm on the road myself. Goods-pushing just now,
+but I've been on the expresses off and on, though it don't suit me--too
+much flaring hurry."
+
+He rattled off into technicalities of his trade, embroidered with tales of
+hair-bristling adventures and escapes.
+
+"Yes, old chum, there's more in our trade than what most fat-headed
+passengers thinks. As long as an accident don't occur they don't know what
+trouble we've been to avoiding of it. I've a good mind to give 'em a
+smash-up now and again just to teach 'em gratitood. F'instance, me and me
+mate was running a local down Ilfracombe way last week when what d'you
+think we runned into?"
+
+"Ilfracombe?" I hazarded sleepily.
+
+"An old cow! Now what d' you think of that?"
+
+"It was so much the worse for the coo," I quoted.
+
+"What say?"
+
+"It was so much the worse for the cow."
+
+"Worse for the cow?"
+
+"So GEORGE STEPHENSON said, and he invented the locomotive and ought to
+know, you'll admit."
+
+The little man stared at me, his mouth open; for once he seemed bereft of
+words. We had slowed to a momentary stop, in a small station and pulled out
+again before he regained control of his tongue, then he broke loose.
+
+"No, I don't admit it neither. I don't care if your friend George invented
+the moon, he talks like a fool, and you can tell him so from me."
+
+"I can't, unfortunately; he's--"
+
+"A chap that talks disrespectful and ignorant of cows like that didn't
+oughter be allowed to live. A cow is one of the worstest things you can run
+up against. I'd rather run into a row of brick houses than one of them
+nasty leathery old devils; and you can hand the information to your chum
+George."
+
+"I tell you I can't; he's--"
+
+"Ask any driver or fireman on the road, and if he don't slip you one with a
+shovel for your withering ignorance he'll tell you just what I'm telling
+you now. Yes, you and your funny friend."
+
+"Look here, GEORGE STEPHENSON has been--"
+
+"Let your funny friend try running into a cow just for 'speriment. Just let
+him try it once. They tangle up in your bogies, all slippery bones and
+hide, slither along with you a yard or two, and the next thing you know is
+you're over an embankment and your widder is putting in for insurance. Tell
+your pal George from me."
+
+The brakes ground on and the lights of a station flickered past the
+windows.
+
+"My gosh!" exclaimed the red-headed man, springing to his feet, "this is
+Cullumpton, and I ought to have got out at the station before." He wrestled
+with the door-handle. "And it's all through sitting here listening to your
+everlasting damfool chatter about you and your friend George."
+
+"Who died forty years before I was born," said I. "Good night."
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Robinson._ "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU CHAPS STARTED TO DO
+SOMETHING. HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY."
+
+_Mendicant._ "YOU ARE MISTAKEN, SIR. I LOST THREE WIVES THROUGH IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WIZARDS: KLINGSOR AND ANOTHER.
+
+"Another _Parsifal_ ought to be written from the angle of Klingsor, who was
+an enlightened Arabian, physician, scientist and probably Aristotelian....
+The Knights, and Wagner with them, call him a wizard, which was a crude
+mediæval way of 'slanging' any man who preferred knowledge to
+superstition."
+
+This remarkable utterance by the musical critic of _The Daily Mail_ in the
+issue of February 25th has created a sensation in the political world fully
+equal to that caused by the announcement of Mr. ASQUITH'S return for
+Paisley. Scientific and artistic circles have also been deeply moved.
+
+Sir PHILIP SASSOON, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S new secretary, interviewed by our
+representative, said that the tribute to his chief was all the more welcome
+considering its source. His only criticism was that, instead of calling the
+charge of wizardry a "crude mediæval" mode of invective, he should prefer
+to style it an ultra-modern application of the art of obloquy.
+
+Sir OLIVER LODGE, in a wireless message from New York, entirely approved of
+_The Daily Mail's_ reading of KLINGSOR'S character. He was clearly a
+scientist and a spiritualist of remarkable attainments. The defection of
+_Kundry_ to the side of the Knights was a sad instance--but not without
+modern parallels--of the unrelenting pressure exerted on weak women by the
+zealots of orthodoxy.
+
+Mr. A.B. WALKLEY said that he had long suspected KLINGSOR of being a
+crypto-Aristotelian, but the arguments of the writer in _The Daily Mail_
+had converted his suspicion to a certainty. He proposed to deal with the
+matter more fully in an imaginary dialogue between KLINGSOR and Sir OSWALD
+STOLL (who was a devout follower of HERBERT SPENCER) which would shortly
+appear in _The Times_.
+
+Mr. DEVANT professed himself delighted with the vindication of KLINGSOR,
+who was undoubtedly, like ROGER BACON, a first-rate conjurer, far in
+advance of his time, and with limited resources was yet capable of
+producing illusions which would not have disgraced the stage of St.
+George's Hall.
+
+The Archbishop of CANTERBURY excused himself from pronouncing a definite
+opinion on the subject, but pointed out that it would doubtless come within
+the purview of the inquiry into Spiritualism undertaken by high clerical
+authority.
+
+Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN made the gratifying announcement that he was engaged on a
+colossal statue of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the character of the modern
+_Merlin_. His treatment might not commend itself to the leaders of
+Nonconformity in Wales, but his own artistic conscience was clear, and he
+felt he could count on the benevolent sympathy of the Northcliffe Press.
+
+The Editor of _The Times_ strongly demurred to the statement that KLINGSOR
+was an Arabian. The great authority on KLINGSOR was the anonymous
+thirteenth-century epic poem on _Lohengrin_, the father of _Parsifal_, and
+he had no doubt (1) that the author was either a Czecho-Slovak or a
+Yugo-Slav; (2) that KLINGSOR, as the etymology suggested, was of the latter
+race. In these circumstances the attempt to establish an affinity between
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and KLINGSOR was nothing short of an outrage, which might
+have disastrous results on our relations with the new States of Central
+Europe.
+
+Mr. J. MAYNARD KEYNES observed that the characterisation of Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE, implicit in the defence of KLINGSOR made by the musical critic of
+_The Daily Mail_, indirectly confirmed his own impressions. It was true
+that the PREMIER did not physically resemble an Arab sheikh, and his
+knowledge of medicine, science or philosophy, to say nothing of geography,
+was decidedly jejune, but the sad case of President WILSON made it all too
+clear that he was capable of exerting a hypnotic influence on his
+colleagues. Mr. KEYNES did not think Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was an Aristotelian;
+he preferred to consider him an unconscious Pragmatist. This view he
+proposed to develop in his forthcoming volume on the Subliminal Conscience
+of Nonconformity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO JAMES (MULE) WHO HAS PLAYED ME FALSE.
+
+[Many mules are appearing upon the streets of London and are showing an
+extraordinary and unexpected docility amidst the traffic.]
+
+  James, when I note your air supremely docile,
+    Your well-fed look of undisturbed content
+  (Doubtless you find this land an adipose isle
+    After lean times on active service spent),
+  I do not join with those who hymn your praises
+    For calmness mid the turmoil of the town;
+  I find myself consigning you to blazes--
+        James, you have let me down.
+
+  For I am one who, after having striven,
+    A hero (_vide_ Press) though far from bold,
+  Has come back home and, naturally, given
+    Artistic touches to the tales he's told;
+  The Transport was my scene of martial labours;
+    That was the section where I saw it through;
+  And I have told astonished friends and neighbours
+        Some lurid yarns of you.
+
+  You are the theme I have been wont to brag on;
+    I've told how you, my now innocuous moke,
+  Would chew the tail-board off a G.S. wagon
+    By way of mere _plaisanterie_ (or joke);
+  Dubbed you most diabolical of ragers,
+    A rampant hooligan, a fetid tough,
+  A thing without respect for sergeant-majors--
+        That is to say, hot stuff.
+
+  Full many a fair young thing I've seen displaying
+    A sympathetic pallor on her cheek
+  And wonder in her eye, when I've been saying
+    How almost every day in Salonique
+  You jazzed with me on brinks of precipices;
+    But when I talk to-day they cannot fail
+  To think of you in town and murmur, "This is
+        A likely sort of tale."
+
+  To take, without one thought of evil plotting,
+    Even without one last protesting kick,
+  Thus kindly to somnambulistic trotting--
+    Oh, James, old pal, it was a dirty trick;
+  To show the yarns I'd told of you and written
+    (In letters home) were not entirely swank
+  At very least, I think, you might have bitten
+        The policeman at the Bank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOAT RACE "INTELLIGENCE."
+
+"The Oxford University crew arrived at Henley yesterday for a week's
+practice. The Cambridge president, Mr. E.A. Berrisford, accompanied the
+crew as spare man."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Government, said Mr. Bonar Law, had not received any intimation
+    from the Netherlands Government that Holland had decided to keep the
+    ex-Kaiser in Curaçoa."--_Evening Standard._
+
+Good news for Mr. PUSSYFOOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ESSEX and SUSSEX BORDERS.--To be Let, well-built Mansion, surrounded
+    by fine gardens, situate in one of the finest parts of this delightful
+    country."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But it must be rather a nuisance to cross the Thames every time you want to
+go from the Essex to the Sussex wing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+TYPICAL COSTUME FOR AN EARNEST WORKER IN THE CAUSE OF CHARITY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+THE RAGE EXHIBITED BY AN AUTHOR WHILE HAVING ONE OF HIS NOVELS FILMED IS
+UTILISED BY THE INTELLIGENT MANAGER OF THE FILM COMPANY FOR A NEW
+"THREE-REEL COMIC," ENTITLED "HOW AUTHORS WORK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUZANNE'S BANKING ACCOUNT.
+
+"These want paying," said Suzanne as she bounced into my nominally sacred
+den at a strictly prohibited hour. Therewith she thrust a _dossier_ of
+tradesmen's bills into my feebly-resisting hands, and bang went an idea I
+had been tenderly nursing since breakfast.
+
+"But I can't spend the rest of the morning writing cheques," I protested.
+"I'm engaged just now on a most important article."
+
+"With your eyes shut," commented Suzanne, stooping to a grossly unfair
+insinuation. "I must tell Cook to make the breakfast coffee stronger in
+future; then you might manage to--"
+
+"Look here, Suzanne, you've been married to me long enough to know my
+methods of work. I can't begin an article until I've got the whole thing
+shaped in my mind, and to do that I must shut out everything else."
+
+"Especially your wife, I suppose. Well, I won't stay. You've got all the
+bills there; but don't start writing the cheques till you've got them well
+shaped in your mind."
+
+"But what on earth does all this mass of accounting literature represent?"
+I asked.
+
+"For the benefit of new readers a synopsis is attached," said Suzanne.
+"They're mostly small items; for instance, Madame Pillby--she's the little
+dressmaker round the corner, you know; though why an all-British spinster
+should call herself 'Madame' I can't imagine--five-and-fourpence-ha'penny."
+
+"Suzanne; I will _not_ write a cheque for five-and-fourpence-ha'penny! Are
+they all like that?"
+
+"The biggest is two guineas; that's what it cost to have my last dance-hat
+altered to your specifications, because you said it tickled your nose.
+There are seventeen of them in all--bills, not hats; total, twelve pounds
+fifteen shillings and elevenpence three farthings, pa-pa."
+
+"I'll tell you what I'm going to do," I said. "I'm going to advertise in
+the Personal Columns of the papers that I will not be responsible for
+payment of any debts incurred by my wife under the sum of one pound.
+That'll stop this half-crown cheque nuisance. Why don't you go out and buy
+yourself a packet of assorted postal-orders?"
+
+"I did once; but I got in with a nice long list just before closing-time,
+and there was very nearly a riot on both sides of the counter."
+
+"Well, anyhow, this sort of thing has got to stop; I can't waste all the
+morning settling your miserable little bills. What we'll do is this: you
+shall have your own banking-account, and in future you can write your own
+cheques--as long as the Bank will stick it."
+
+"Oh, how perfectly splendid!" cried Suzanne. "I've always wanted to have a
+cheque-book of my own, but Father thought it unsexing. Do let's go and take
+out the licence at once."
+
+The precious hour of fertilisation was already wasted, so there and then I
+escorted Suzanne to the Bank. At my demand we were ushered into the
+Manager's room, where we were received with a courtesy only too obviously
+tempered by the suspicion that I had come to suggest an overdraft. On my
+explaining our errand, however, the Manager's features relaxed their
+tenseness, and as I wrote the cheque that brought Suzanne's account into a
+sordid world he even attempted a vein of fatherly benediction.
+
+"Now we shall require a specimen of the lady's signature," he said as he
+produced an amazingly obese ledger and indicated where Suzanne was to sign
+her name. "Remove the glove, please," he added hastily.
+
+"Just like old times in the vestry," said Suzanne to me in a whisper. Then
+she wrote her name--"Suzanne Désirée Beverley Trumpington-Jones"--all of
+it. By the time she had finished she had trespassed into several columns
+reserved for entirely different uses. The Manager surveyed the effect with
+consternation.
+
+"Rather a long name, isn't it?" he asked diffidently. "I was only wondering
+if our cheque-forms would accommodate it all."
+
+"Well, I'm not really responsible for it all," she replied. "The
+Trumpington-Jones part is the more or less permanent result of a serious
+accident when I was little more than a child. But I might shorten it a bit.
+I sometimes answer to the name of Soozles, but I suppose that would only do
+for really intimate cheques. How would 'S. Beverley T.-Jones' do? I
+shouldn't like to lose the 'Beverley' as it's a kind of family heirloom,
+and I always use it, even when I'm writing to the sweep."
+
+I edged away to the window and left them to settle the signature question
+among themselves.
+
+"And what kind of cheques would you like--'Order' or 'Bearer'?" I next
+heard the Manager asking.
+
+"Show me some patterns, please," commanded Suzanne.
+
+On the wall was a frame containing a number of different cheque varieties,
+to which her attention was directed.
+
+"Haven't you any other colours?" she asked. "I thought a black-and-yellow
+cheque would be rather becoming; but don't bother about it if it's not in
+stock."
+
+She ended by taking one book of blue and one of purple cheques, and with
+these and a paying-in-book (which she said would do so nicely for spills)
+we at last departed. From behind the closed door of the private office I
+distinctly heard a prolonged sigh of relief.
+
+A few days later I came upon Suzanne sitting at her writing-table and
+examining a cheque with a mystified air.
+
+"Anything wrong?" I asked.
+
+"I don't quite know," she replied. "I sent Angela this cheque the other day
+to pay for my ticket for the Law-Courts' Revel, and she says the Bank
+people have returned it to her. And it's marked 'R.D.' in red ink. Who is
+'R.D.'?"
+
+"He's the gentleman who censors cheques; and he has a way of disqualifying
+them when there's not enough cash to pay them. Suzanne, what have you done
+with all that money I paid into your account last Monday?"
+
+"But I've only paid those footling little bills. There must be tons of
+money left, unless the Bank's been speculating with it."
+
+"Let me have a look at that cheque," I said.
+
+She handed it to me and I examined it carefully.
+
+"I see it's signed 'Thine, Suzanne.'"
+
+"But that's how I always sign myself to Angela," she said; "and the Manager
+distinctly told me to use my customary signature."
+
+"Signature--not signatures," I explained gently. "They're rooted in
+convention at the Bank and can't bear the least approach to variety. And
+what's this scribbled on the back of it?"
+
+"Oh, that's only a note I dashed off to Angela telling her what I was going
+to wear. It seemed such a pity to waste a sheet of notepaper when there was
+all that space to spare."
+
+I gave her a quarter-of-an-hour's lesson in the art of drawing cheques.
+Then I took up the paying-in book which was lying on the table. I knew it
+ought to be in a virgin state as I had added nothing to the entrance money.
+"And what might all these figures portend?" I asked.
+
+"Those? Oh, that's baby's weight-chart. I'm always going to keep it there."
+
+Well, well, if Suzanne looks after the weighing-in I can at least control
+the paying-in. And I left it at that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown._ "WHAT DID THEY GIVE OLD SLOWCOMBE THE O.B.E. FOR?"
+
+_Jones._ "THE 'OTHER BEGGARS' ENERGY,' I IMAGINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fond Parent_ (_who has done pretty well in woollens_).
+"WELL, SONNY, WE'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST EDUCATION THAT MONEY CAN
+BUY. AFTER ALL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT BE A GENTLEMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IF THE ARMY ADVERTISED.
+
+BATTALION ORDERS.
+
+(1) _Duties, Officers._--Orderly Officer for to-morrow: Second-Lieutenant
+W. Jenks.
+
+W. Jenks is prepared to undertake duty for any brother subaltern.
+Terms--one day's pay, plus fifty per cent. for Saturdays or Sundays
+(handsome discount for cash in advance). Sleepless activity. Guards visited
+courteously but firmly. Any unusual occurrence handled with precision and
+despatch. Engage W. Jenks to do your duty, then sign your report with a
+clear conscience. Testimonials from all ranks.
+
+(2) _Parades._--0830 hours and 1130 hours, as per routine.
+
+Hello! Hello!! Hello!!! Come in your hundreds. Amusing and health-giving.
+Bracing barrack-square; magnificent pedestrian exercise. Come and be
+experimented on by Sergt.-Major Whizbang, the great military spellbinder.
+See the Adjutant put Company Commanders through the hoop. Screams of
+laughter at every performance. Best places in the ranks for those who
+arrive early. Twice daily (Sundays excepted) till further notice. Breakfast
+kept for those attending first house.
+
+(3) _Dress, etc., Officers._--Attention is again drawn to recent
+instructions on these matters.
+
+Why invite trouble when the local A.P.M. is simply yearning to advise you
+on points of etiquette? A kindly benevolent man who never forgets that he
+himself was once a regimental officer. He will tell you whether or not you
+may arm your aged grandmother across a busy London street without risking
+your commission. If you favour whiskers, call and see his inimitable museum
+of permissible patterns. Always at your service.
+
+(4) _Musketry._--The next party to fire General Musketry Course will
+proceed on the 2nd prox.
+
+The finest form of outdoor sport (for these who prefer it to any other) is
+shooting. We are making up a little party to proceed to camp next week.
+Will you join us? Sylvan scenery; country air; simple wholesome diet; young
+and cheery society. Cigars or cocoanuts every time you hit the bull's-eye.
+Practice at stray dogs about camp is encouraged. Secure the skin of one of
+these beautifully-marked creatures for your own barrack-room bedside.
+
+(5) _Hair, Length of._--The practice of allowing the hair to grow beyond
+the regulation length must cease.
+
+Why suffer the inconvenience of long hair when our own regimental tonsorial
+artist is waiting to bob it for you free of charge? Luxurious saloon; deft
+workmanship; no tips. His speciality--memento locks. Twelve such souvenirs
+guaranteed from one crop. Bald soldiers supplied to taste from surplus
+clippings. A delicate, lasting and inexpensive compliment to lady friends
+on leaving a station. Start collecting now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNS OF COURT RESERVE CORPS.
+
+A psychical séance of the above disembodied Corps will be held on Friday
+the 26th March, in the Common Room of the Law Society in Chancery Lane (by
+kind permission of the Council), commencing 7.30 P.M.
+
+Astral members desirous of attending should apply to their late Platoon
+Sergeants, or to Mr. H.L. BOLTON, 1, The Sanctuary, Westminster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE EX-CHAMPION.
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "WELCOME BACK! I'VE BEEN WANTING A SPARRING PARTNER TO
+GET ME INTO CONDITION; AND YOU'RE THE VERY MAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 23rd._--The Highland Fling involves, I understand, some
+complicated figures, but it is nothing to the Lowland Reel (COATS'
+variety), on which subject Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES was rather badly heckled
+this afternoon. A suggestion that Messrs. COATS might use the profits of
+their foreign trade to reduce the price to the home consumer drove the
+harassed Minister into an unconscious _mot_. "Suppose," he said, "they cut
+the thread ... where should we be then?"
+
+[Illustration: THE TANK AND THE LITTLE BRICK.
+
+(MR. CHURCHILL AND CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.)
+
+"The tank, weighing thirty tons, is able to pass over a brick lying on the
+road without crushing it. This is a very important point."--_Mr.
+CHURCHILL_.]
+
+Mr. CHARLES PALMER, the well-known _Globe_-trotter, has just completed a
+remarkable journey. Within the space of a few weeks he has traversed the
+distance from the Press Gallery to the Floor of the Chamber, going round by
+the Wrekin. During the last stage of the route the intrepid traveller was
+accompanied by Sir HENRY DALZIEL and Mr. BOTTOMLEY.
+
+In introducing a Vote on Account of the Army for a trifle of seventy-four
+millions the WAR MINISTER proudly announced that Britain and Germany were
+the only countries in the world that had abolished conscription--and
+Germany's action was not exactly voluntary.
+
+Mr. CHURCHILL'S description of a new tank, so fast that it could outstrip a
+foxhound "over a country," so cool that even in the tropics its crew would
+preserve their _sangfroid traditionnel_, and so delicately sprung that it
+could run over a brick without hurting itself--or the brick--momentarily
+encouraged the belief that here was the weapon to make war impossible. But
+almost in the same breath Mr. CHURCHILL stated that simultaneously the War
+Office had invented a rifle grenade which would put the super-tank out of
+action. "As you were!"
+
+Criticism was not entirely disarmed. Mr. DEVLIN of course talked of
+Ireland--"the only country with which the Empire is at war to-day;" and
+little Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN rebuked Mr. CHURCHILL for his unfilial sneer at
+"pious America," and was himself advised "not to develop more indignation
+than he could contain."
+
+_Tuesday, February 24th._--In both Houses the new policy of the Allies in
+regard to Soviet Russia was unfolded. The gist of it is that they will not
+enter into diplomatic relations with the Bolshevist Government until it is
+ready to adopt civilised methods, but in the meantime will heartily
+encourage trade with Russia. It would seem that the practical genius of our
+race has once more discovered a means of indulging sentiment without
+interfering with business.
+
+[Illustration: THE LABOUR LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+_A forecast._
+
+LORD HALDANE.]
+
+Lord BIRKENHEAD (not BROKENHEAD, by the way, as the _Cork Constitution_,
+inadvertently or not, calls him) chaffed LORD HALDANE on his "How Happy
+could I be with Either" attitude between Liberalism and Labour, and advised
+him definitely to be off with the old love and on with the new, in order
+that when Labour came into its own the Woolsack might be adequately filled.
+
+Sir ALFRED MOND did not allow himself to be perturbed by the description of
+certain pictures in the Imperial War Museum as "freaks" and "libels," for
+he had observed "with some astonishment" that most of the art critics had
+pronounced them to be very fine works of art. But when Mr. JEREMIAH
+MACVEAGH asked if some of these pictures were not portraits of Cabinet
+Ministers, "and if so how can they possibly be works of art?" the First
+Commissioner's artistic conscience was stirred, and compelled him to give
+the questioner a little instruction in first principles. "Whether a
+portrait is a work of art depends," he pointed out, "on the artist and not
+on the subject painted."
+
+The evening was devoted to drink. Sir JOHN REES, who urged the abolition of
+all wartime restrictions, would have been more effective, perhaps, if he
+had not striven so hard to be lively. One of his sallies, evoked by the
+impending _début_ of Lady ASTOR as a Parliamentary orator, was indeed, as
+she observed, "more than polite."
+
+She herself had her moments of gaiety, but was best, I thought, when
+seriously arguing for the continuance of the restrictions on alcohol in the
+special interests of women.
+
+I am afraid, however, that the unregenerate were more intrigued by Mr.
+CARR'S claim that the Carlisle experiment had been a great success--"it was
+the only city in the country in which a man could buy a bottle of whisky to
+take home."
+
+_Wednesday, February 25th._--Question-time in the Commons was dominated by
+the news that Mr. ASQUITH was in for Paisley, and Members were more
+concerned in discussing the effect of his return upon the Government and
+Opposition than in listening to Ministerial replies. Sir DONALD MACLEAN was
+"all smiles" over his approaching release from the responsibilities of
+leadership; but Mr. HOGGE, I thought, looked rather like _Mrs. Gummidge_
+when "thinking of the old 'un."
+
+A nod from Mr. MACPHERSON and the Government of Ireland Bill was formally
+and silently introduced--strange contrast to the long debates and exciting
+scenes that attended the birth of the Bill's three predecessors in 1886,
+1893 and 1912.
+
+Sir ROBERT HORNE explained with his usual clarity and persuasiveness the
+new Unemployment Insurance Bill. The debate on it was interrupted to allow
+the discussion of a motion by Sir J. REMNANT advocating the increase of
+police pensions to meet the present cost of living. The police are, with
+good reason, very popular with the House. In vain the HOME SECRETARY
+pointed out that the Government even in this cause did not feel justified
+in "out-running the constable." Forgetting all their recent zeal for
+economy Members trooped into the Bobbies' Lobby and beat the Government by
+123 to 57.
+
+[Illustration: "Whether a portrait is a work of art depends on the artist
+and not on the subject painted."--_Sir A. MOND on the Imperial War Museum
+Pictures_.]
+
+The idea that Irishmen, however much they may dislike British rule, never
+miss an opportunity of raiding the British Treasury, has received a rude
+shock. Captain REDMOND, inquiring about the allocation of a sum of a
+quarter-of-a-million for reconstruction in Ireland, was surprised to learn
+that ten thousand pounds had been allotted to his own constituency, but not
+claimed. Mr. DEVLIN supplied the key to the mystery: "The reason it was not
+asked for was because we did not know it was there."
+
+I learn from _Who's Who?_ that the recreations of Sir ALFRED MOND include
+"golf, motoring and all forms of sport." It must have been with keen
+regret, therefore, that he felt himself compelled to refuse facilities for
+cricket in Hyde Park, owing to the risk to the public. Viscount CURZON
+asked if cricket was more dangerous than inflammatory speeches. But the
+FIRST COMMISSIONER, speaking no doubt from personal experience, expressed
+the view that there was considerably more danger from a cricket-ball.
+
+The Opposition had rather bad luck on the Constantinople debate. If they
+had waited till Monday, as originally arranged, they could have trained
+their big gun from Paisley on to the Government entrenchments. Through
+insisting on the earliest possible date, they had to content themselves
+with the far lighter artillery of Sir DONALD MACLEAN. Much, however, was
+hoped from Lord ROBERT CECIL, who was believed to be heavily charged with
+high explosives. But before he could come into range up jumped Sir EDWARD
+CARSON, and in a few brief sentences pointed out that until the PRIME
+MINISTER had told them the grounds for the decision to leave the Turk his
+capital, and the conditions under which he was to stay there, the House was
+talking in the air. Members thereupon clamoured for the PRIME MINISTER, who
+accordingly had to make his defence when he had heard only half the
+indictment, and to expend most of the ammunition he had prepared for Lord
+ROBERT, including some remarkable specimens of the "deadly parallel,"
+before receiving his adversary's fire.
+
+That in turn rather upset Lord ROBERT'S plan of campaign, and he was not
+much more destructive than Sir DONALD MACLEAN had been. The House as a
+whole seemed satisfied that the Allies had done their best with a problem
+for which there is no perfect solution, and that there was at least a
+chance that the SULTAN would find the guns of an international fleet
+pointing at his palace windows a strong incentive to good behaviour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER LADY M.P.?
+
+    "Mr. Asquith was accompanied by Mrs. Asquith and the audience singing
+    'He's a jolly good Lady Bonham-Carter.'"--_Scotch Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FANCY BIRD.
+
+When any friend of mine is in trouble I always make a point of writing and
+asking if there is anything I can do. As a rule, there isn't, but it is a
+satisfaction to me to know I have made the offer. When I heard that Filmer
+was leaving his spacious house and grounds at Hampstead, selling half his
+furniture and moving into a third storey flat at Battersea, I wrote at
+once. I received in reply one of his usual barely decipherable scrawls:
+"Yes, old dear, you might find a home for my raven; it's ancient and a bit
+rusty, but lots of life in it yet. I'm parting with all my garden things."
+
+I busied myself about the matter at once. When a man you have known and
+respected for years is driven by high prices and income-tax to vacate a
+beautiful home and asks such a simple thing of you as to find a shelter for
+his bird, you like to do your best. Personally I knew nothing of ravens,
+but I recognized the inadequacy of my garden for the accommodation of a
+bird of any kind, therefore I could not think of taking it. But I had a
+surface acquaintance with the owner of a carriage drive, and I approached
+him without delay. He was cold in his manner and said with so many calls
+upon him he could not see his way to contribute towards the expense of
+Filmer's move, although he had no doubt, from my representation, that it
+was a deserving case.
+
+The misunderstanding arose from my leading up to the object of my visit
+gradually instead of coming to the point at once and asking him to give a
+comfortable home to a raven. When I explained further he unbent and said he
+would think it over.
+
+Later he wrote:--
+
+_Re_ RAVEN.
+
+"DEAR SIR,--I have consulted an authority on this bird and find that its
+bad character has brought about its practical extinction in this country
+save in the mountain fastnesses of Wales and the craggy moors of Yorkshire.
+I also learn that its extended wings measure thirty-six inches on an
+average. I must decline to provide an asylum for such an extensive mass of
+depravity."
+
+I confess I was discouraged and also somewhat shocked. I felt Filmer should
+have enlightened me more on the characteristics of his _protégé_. The
+episode taught me to avoid preamble in my next quest for a domicile. Also I
+thought it only right to express myself with absolute frankness. The
+address of a lady with a reputation for a love of animals was given to me,
+and I hastened to call upon her. She answered the door herself.
+
+"Madam," I said, "may I ask you of your kind heart to give a home to an
+almost extinct bird of evil character about a yard across?"
+
+She looked startled for a moment and then quietly closed the door.
+
+I was still further discouraged. I felt bound in honour to comply, if
+possible, with Filmer's comparatively simple request. By chance I ran
+across Timberley, a man brimful of resource and suggestion. "You want a
+brewery," he said; "that's the _milieu_ for a raven. To my mind no brewery
+is artistically complete without one. A raven hopping about the casks gives
+a _je ne sais quoi_, a _cachet_, to the premises. You should get an
+introduction to a manager."
+
+With some difficulty I did, and I waited upon him in his private office. He
+seemed immersed in business and asked me to be seated in such a brusque
+manner that I had no alternative but to remain standing.
+
+"I must apologise for trespassing upon your valuable time, but it has been
+suggested to me that no brewery is complete without a raven--" I began,
+stammering slightly from nervousness.
+
+"Well, we've got one. What about it?" he said.
+
+In face of this unlooked-for development I could do nothing but bow and
+retire.
+
+After this third failure to house the bird I threw convention to the winds
+and took to accosting utter strangers in the street with, "Will you have a
+raven?" I went rides in trams and tubes and canvassed the passengers. "Not
+to-day, thank you," was the response, save in a few instances. One man
+invited me to ask him again and he would do me in. A lady to whom I
+propounded the query as we were descending the moving staircase side by
+side precipitated herself forward with such haste that but for the
+intervening travellers she must have fallen headlong to the bottom. The
+mother of a family to whom I appealed shook her head politely and said she
+was obliged to me for the offer, but it was hard enough to pay for
+butcher's meat; she couldn't afford poultry.
+
+Then at last, all my efforts having failed, I reluctantly took my pen and
+wrote to Filmer. In reply I received another of his scrawls:--
+
+"What's this about a raven? Don't let it grow on you. The Victory Croquet
+Club is taking my ROLLER, £7 carriage forward. I gave £3 10s. for it
+second-hand ten years ago.
+
+"N.B.--I had great difficulty in reading your writing. Don't cultivate
+illegibility; it's tiresome for your friends."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NO, THIS IS NOT A CELEBRATED COMEDIAN TELLING A FUNNY STORY;
+IT'S MERELY A PRIVATE CITIZEN THREATENING TO REPORT TO THE PROFITEERING
+COMMITTEE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Referring to charges of drunkenness the Chairman said there were 13
+    men and five women fined for drunkenness and residing at Chiswick."--
+    _Local Paper._
+
+To reside at Chiswick may be an eccentricity, but surely is not an offence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "COME, GENTS, HOW MUCH FOR THESE DOZEN
+BRACES?"
+
+_Tommy._ "CAN'T TAKE MORE'N ELEVEN, GUV'NOR. LOST MY SECOND-BEST EVENING
+TROUSERS ON THE SOMME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"JOHN FERGUSON."
+
+After the unsatisfying theatre-diet which has fallen to me of late I was
+doubly glad to get my teeth into Mr. St. JOHN ERVINE'S good meaty ration at
+the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith. His theme is as old and new as Job. _John
+Ferguson_ is a saintly Ulster farmer, apostle of the doctrine of non-
+resistance (rare type in those parts, I understand) and eager justifier of
+the ways of God to men. _Ferguson's_ beloved farm is mortgaged; foreclosure
+imminent. Help is confidently expected from brother _Andrew_ in America,
+but does not come. Daughter _Hannah_, sent with a message to the brutal
+mortgagee, is outraged by him. Prospective son-in-law _James_, man of great
+words but little heart, rushes into the night to kill the ravisher. But it
+is silent son _Andrew_ (destined for the ministry) who does the killing,
+because he knows _James_ to be a craven.
+
+_John Ferguson_ urges confidently the will of God that _James_, whom he
+believes blood-guilty, should not avoid arrest, and refuses to hide him.
+But when young _Andrew_ insists on giving himself up to save _James_ and
+his own peace the old man's faith, weakened, falters; he protests in his
+anguish, but rallies to accept this last blow from the hand of God--made
+none the easier to bear by the arrival, just a fatal fortnight late, of the
+money from his brother, a forgetful sort of man, who had mistaken the date
+of the mail. The tragic irony of the whole is skilfully heightened by the
+fact that it is half-witted "_Clutie_," with his penny whistle and his
+random words, who goads young _Andrew_ to his vengeance.
+
+A grim tale finely (perhaps just a little too diffusely) told and admirably
+presented. Mr. ERVINE'S most effective stroke was, I think, the character
+of _James Cæsar_, with his pathetic yet revolting self-condemnation,
+interpreted with a real mastery of art without artifice by Mr. J.M.
+KERRIGAN, of the old band of "Irish Players." Miss MOYNA MACGILL (a name
+new to me) played her _Hannah_ with an exquisite sincerity and restraint. A
+particular moment when, from her hysterical laughter at the careful choice
+made by her father's God of the moment for the arrival of the money, she
+breaks into a passionate "It's not right! It's not just!" was very fine.
+The whole character was skilfully built up. The part by no means played
+itself.
+
+Mr. HERBERT MARSHALL'S _Andrew_ was also an excellent performance. Was it
+quite right, however, that the morning after the murder he should appear so
+completely unruffled? (I admit I don't know my Ulster intimately). I rather
+think that Mr. MILES MALLESON'S well-studied "_Clutie_" might have been a
+little less coherent, with more fawning in his manner. He seemed something
+too normal for his purpose in the piece. The way in which the other
+characters staved off his piping was beyond all praise. I should guess,
+from specimens submitted, that his repertory was not extensive.
+
+Mr. REA, as the father, was of course competent, but surely a little
+overplacid throughout. He accepted the blow of his daughter's dishonour
+with scarcely a sign that submission caused him any serious pang--a seeming
+indifference shared by Miss MAIRE O'NEILL (_Hannah's_ mother), who appeared
+quite untroubled a few minutes after the harrowing relation, and indeed
+seemed throughout to be playing too easily. Mr. RAYMOND VALENTINE had a
+"fat" part as the villain, and well and fatly he played it.
+
+I realise more than ever the difficulties of an Irish Settlement.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR ANIMAL ARTIST, AFTER A HARD DAY AT THE ZOO, GOES HOME IN
+A NON-SMOKER AND FALLS ASLEEP.]
+
+[Illustration: HE SLEEPS SO SOUNDLY THAT THE ENTRY OF A BIG-GAME HUNTER'S
+FAMILY FAILS TO DISTURB HIM.]
+
+[Illustration: THE ROAR OF A PASSING TRAIN FITS IN WITH HIS DREAMS OF WILD
+ANIMALS, AND--HE WAKES!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAME.
+
+For a long time past I had felt that something ought to be done about it,
+and then one evening as I opened my paper in the Tube I came suddenly upon
+the following paragraph:--
+
+"Lunching yesterday with Jack Poppington at the Bitz, where, by the way, M.
+Caramel treated us to a superbly priceless _mousse à la Canadienne_, he
+told me that his _Little Pests_ is selling like wildfire and proving a real
+bonanza to the lucky publishers, Messrs. Painter and Lilley. Had a pleasant
+chat with him about old times in the Army Pay Corps, in which we served
+together for nearly sixteen months during one of the hottest periods of
+hostilities 'out yonder.' More famous amongst the general public for his
+black ribboned tortoiseshell monocle and invariable presence at all truly
+semi-smart Bohemian functions, Poppington keeps a brindled bulldog, grows
+primulas and is, of course, known to a select circle as the energetic
+Organising Secretary of the North Battersea Entomological Society."
+
+The letterpress which I have quoted above was headed "Popular Pap" and
+formed a kind of frame for a photograph of Mr. Poppington, which seemed to
+show that his luncheon at the Bitz had not really agreed with him after
+all, and at the bottom of the column I noted the familiar signature of
+"_Marchand du Beurre_."
+
+As usual when I read paragraphs of this kind I first of all blushed
+guiltily and glanced round to see whether anyone had noticed how eagerly I
+was drinking it all in. Then I put on the faint superior smile of
+recognition which I felt that the situation obviously demanded. Good old
+Poppington! One of the best. What recollections it stirred! _Marchand_ and
+he and I--
+
+When I left the Tube I carefully crumpled the paper up and threw it away,
+and in the middle of dinner I took care to remark casually to Araminta, "By
+the way, I suppose you put _Little Pests_ on the library list?"
+
+"Awfully sorry," she said, "but I'm afraid I hadn't heard of them."
+
+"Poppington's latest," I said curtly.
+
+"I'm afraid I haven't heard of Poppington either."
+
+I gave a sigh of desperation and leant back in my chair.
+
+"Well, really!" I protested. "Surely the man himself--everybody--I
+mean--his--his eye-glass--his bulldog--of course only a few of us fully
+appreciate the extent of his actual research work--but still--"
+
+"All right, I'll get it," she replied.
+
+That finished off Araminta easily enough, but the situation none the less
+was serious. Paragraphs exactly like this had been meeting my eye in almost
+every popular paper for month after month, and, though I use two memory
+systems and have an electric scalp shampoo each week, I find them
+increasingly difficult to cope with. _Who's Which_ already transgresses the
+established canons of literary art. It is almost as tall lying down as
+standing up, and fellows like Poppington are not even in _Who's Which_. He
+had not, you observed, even obtained an O.B.E. What would happen if I met
+him at some public gathering or dinner and by some awful mischance forgot
+those salient facts?
+
+It appeared to me that a process for reproducing short biographies of this
+nature in a slightly larger type on the shirt-fronts of eminent personages
+was badly needed; it should be coupled, I felt, with an arrangement of
+periscopes to help one when sitting beside the great man or standing behind
+his back. Or he might perhaps wear upon his sleeve something like the
+divisional signs which were so useful in France. Old Poppington, for
+instance, might have a--might wear an--I mean there might be something or
+other on his coat in red or green or blue to indicate the nature and scope
+of his secretarial activities and give a fellow the right lead. And to
+think that every week dozens and dozens of new Poppingtons are springing up
+like crocuses about me! It was a bewildering thought. They were becoming
+perhaps the most numerous and influential class in the community. I had
+visions of mass meetings of "well-known" men--"well-known" men marching in
+procession with flags to Downing Street to demand State recognition,
+statues and pensions, and insisting that it should be made a penal offence
+not to recognise their well-known features in the street. I made a great
+resolve. Why should I be left out of it? I determined to join the crowd.
+
+I had got rather out of touch with old _Marchand_ for some time, and had
+indeed forgotten exactly what he looked like, but I persuaded a mutual
+friend to point him out to me, and, selecting the psychological moment,
+cannoned into him heavily in the street. His spectacles dropped off and his
+note-book fell out of his hand.
+
+"Why, if it isn't _Du Beurre_!" I shouted, feigning an ecstatic surprise.
+
+"I am sorry," he said rather stiffly, when he had recovered his breath,
+"but I am afraid I haven't the pleasure--"
+
+"I am John Smith," I said.
+
+"I am afraid I still--"
+
+"Allow me to tell you all about myself," I said. And I did.
+
+I was a little nervous as to how he would take it, but the event justified
+me. When I opened my paper next evening I found the following words:--
+
+"Ran across John Smith of Ravenscourt Park yesterday afternoon. Chatting
+with him about one thing and another, he told me something of the methods
+he has employed to bring about his present celebrity in that salubrious
+suburb. He has never, it appears, written a book, collaborated in a review,
+appeared in a night-club, lunched at the Bitz, sat on a committee, or been
+summoned as a witness in a sensational divorce case. His record, I fancy,
+must be one of the most thoroughly unique in Greater London."
+
+There was no photograph of John Smith, but, biting partly into this
+paragraph and partly into another on the opposite side of the column, was
+one of Mortimer Despenser, the new film star, featured in _Scented Sin_,
+which really did almost as well. Dear old _Du Beurre_!
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC À LA MODE.
+
+  There was a young singer whose moans
+  Struck a chill to her auditors' bones;
+      So she had to explain
+      That she wasn't in pain,
+  But was trying to sing quarter-tones.
+
+  There once was a basso, a swain
+  Who came from the rolling Ukraine;
+      He could sing double D
+      From breakfast till tea
+  Without any symptom of strain.
+
+  There was a benevolent peer
+  Who wished to make Art less severe,
+      So he learned the Jazz drum
+      And bids fair to become
+  The black man's most terrible fear.
+
+  There once was a critic whose bane
+  Was his dread of a style that was plain,
+      So, resolved to refresh us,
+      He strove to be precious,
+  But sank to the nether inane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "AMATEUR SNOOKER POOL CHAMPIONSHIP: S.H. FRY DEFLATED."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+It was noticed even during the Billiard competition that he never really
+got the wind up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The chief obstacle to the development of water-power is usually the
+    question of finance, and if the scheme will not hold water from that
+    point of view it is not likely to float."--_Electrical Review._
+
+And if it holds too much water it is certain to sink.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_Irishman_ (_discussing "roarer" recently purchased by P.-W.S._). "VERY
+WELL KNOWN, SHE WAS, WID THE WARD UNION STAG HOUNDS. THE BOYS USED TO CALL
+HER 'THE WIDDA,' FOR WHY THEY SAID YE COULD ALWAYS HEAR HER SOBBIN' AFTHER
+THE DEER DEPARTED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Undeniably Mr. CARADOC EVANS is the bold boy. No doubt you remember (since
+they are so difficult to forget) the two volumes in which he dealt
+faithfully (and a bit over) with the manners of his countrymen in the land
+of their fathers. I have heard, and can well believe, that some of Mr.
+EVANS' own people were moved by this tribute even to the extent of
+threatening its author with personal violence. And now he has turned from
+Welsh Wales to English London, and gives us in _My Neighbours_ (MELROSE) a
+further collection of sketches pleasantly calculated to prove that the
+general detestability of his compatriots remains unchanged by their
+migration from a whitewashed cottage to a villa in Suburbia. Whatever you
+may think of Mr. EVANS' work, whether it attracts or violently repels,
+there can be no question of its devastating skill. His sketches, no more
+than a few pages in length, contain never an idle word, and the phrases
+bite like vitriol. Moreover he employs an idiom that is (I conjecture) a
+direct transcription from native speech, which adds enormously to the
+effect. Understand me, not for worlds would I commend these volumes
+haphazard to the fastidious; I only say they are clever, arresting and
+violently individual. Also that, if you have not so far met the work of Mr.
+EVANS, here is your opportunity, in a volume that shows it at its best, or
+worst. Half-an-hour's reading will give you an excellent idea of it. At the
+end of that time you will probably send either to the chemist for a
+restorative or to the bookseller for the two previous volumes. Meanwhile,
+if I were the writer, I should purchase a bulldog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. GEORGE WEMYSS has for some time past specialised in spinster-aunts,
+bachelor-uncles and charming nieces. In _Oranges and Lemons_ (CONSTABLE)
+she introduces us pleasantly to some more. The plot, in fact, is chiefly
+concerned with the violent squabbles of an uncle and aunt, who belong to
+different sides of the family, for the good graces of _Diana_ (who is
+nineteen, or thereabouts, and radiant), and _Shant_, (who says so--just
+like that--and is five). There are also several young men. To test his
+abilities in the _Admirable Crichton_ line _Diana_ maroons the most
+favoured of these, together with three other aspirants to her hand, and her
+bachelor uncle, on an island in a Scottish loch, hamperless, on a soft day.
+As the affections of all the lovers remain undimmed, you can guess what
+kind of a girl _Diana_ must have been. _Shant's_ even more responsible job
+is to tumble off a pony and allay the temporary tartness which existed
+between her two elderly admirers, so that nothing but oranges and
+orange-blossoms remain. Really, of course, none of the story much matters.
+But if you want the sensation of having stayed with delightful people in
+delightful places, where rising prices are not even mentioned or thought
+of, Mrs. WEMYSS can give it you all the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Night and Day_ (DUCKWORTH) is the title of VIRGINIA WOOLF'S last book; but
+there is no night for the author's clarity of vision, or her cleverness in
+describing every detail she has seen, or her delicate precision of style;
+there is only daylight, temperate, pervading, but at times, I am afraid,
+almost irritatingly calm. "Give me one indiscretion of sympathy or emotion
+on behalf of your characters," the reader is tempted to implore her; "let
+me feel that you are a little bit excited about them and I shall feel
+excited too." The story, after all, is the simple one (to put it in the
+shudderingly crude language of former days) of a girl's change of heart
+from an unreal love to one of whose sincerity she eventually convinces
+herself. _Katharine Hilbery_, the granddaughter of a great poet, brought up
+by a father whose only interest is in literature, and a charming mother who
+wanders in fields of Victorian romance, breaks off her engagement with a
+civil servant who has more taste than talent for letters, and chooses
+instead a man slightly below her in social position, but with firmness and
+decision of character and genuine skill in--what? Ironmongery? No,
+literature. All through the book I found myself wondering whether a mind so
+finely tempered as _Katharine's_, a perception so acute, was really fitted
+for anything so commonplace as, after all, love is. And I longed for the
+authoress, who explained every mood so amazingly well, to explain this too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. NORRIS is evidently a specialist in unconventional situations. In her
+last novel her theme was the intrigue between a man and his step-mother. In
+_Sisters_ (MURRAY) it is the passion of a man for his living wife's married
+sister, and in neither case does the author seem to be conscious of
+anything out of the ordinary. Not that there is any air of naughtiness
+about the business. _Peter_, a rich cripple, loved _Cherry_, the youngest
+and prettiest of the three _Strickland_ girls. But _Martin_, a casual
+impecunious stranger, stepped in and took her in one bite before _Peter_
+could quite realise she was no longer a child. So in default he married
+_Alix_, who was, incidentally, worth six of her. Meeting his _Cherry_,
+disillusioned about an unsatisfactory and unsuccessful _Martin_, he reaches
+out his hand for this forbidden fruit. Whereupon _Alix_, the selfless,
+drives herself and _Martin_ over a cliff by way of making things smooth for
+_Peter_ and _Cherry_, which was inconsiderate, if resourceful; for, while
+_Alix_ is happily killed, poor _Martin_ only breaks his back, so that all
+may end with the balance on the credit side of the Recording Angel's ledger
+with _Cherry_ nursing her hopeless invalid. An unlikely story, pleasantly
+and competently told.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My appreciation of _The Ancient Allan_ (CASSELL) may be measured by my keen
+disappointment on finding that the concluding pages of the book were absent
+in the copy vouchsafed to me, and that (apparently) in their place a double
+dose of pages 279-294 was offered. Nevertheless I can safely assert that
+you will find this a yarn worth reading, for here Sir RIDER HAGGARD is in
+as good form as ever he was, when both he and _Allan Quatermain_ were
+younger. _Lady Ragnall_, who is an old friend to readers of _The Ivory
+Child_, reappears here, having in her possession a mysterious and potent
+herb, which she persuades _Allan_ to inhale. Then the fun takes on a great
+liveliness. _Allan_ is wafted back to the days when Egypt was under the
+domination of the Persians, and he in his ancient existence performed some
+of the very doughtiest of deeds. No one living can tell such a tale with a
+greater dexterity and zest than Sir RIDER. And at that I will leave it,
+with one more regret that I was not allowed to be present when _Allan_
+recovered from the effects of Taduki (the herb that did it).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I find that when the medicine of thought is wrapped up in the jam of
+fiction I generally take both more willingly than either alone. But if my
+author, holding out the spoonful, protests that the jam isn't jam at all
+but part of the dose, then my mouth does not open with quite its usual
+happy confidence. Miss W.M. LETTS has said something of the sort about her
+great little book, _Corporal's Corner_ (WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON), and I wish
+she hadn't. It is cast in the form of letters written by a soldier in
+hospital to a nurse who has been good to him and whose lover has been
+killed at the Front. Miss Letts introduces it with a foreword which conveys
+the impression that a real _Corporal Jack_ wrote these letters to a real
+nurse; but the letters themselves convince--or very nearly convince--me
+that the foreword itself is a mere device of authorship, and one which
+defeats its own intention of adding weight to the wise and tender and often
+humorous things the writer has to say. From his own death-bed _Corporal
+Jack_, together with his own love-story and that of his chum _Mac_, writes
+what he can of comfort to his friend, and whether his hand or Miss LETTS'S
+held the pen the book is the work of someone who knows all about sorrow,
+and only the initiated--who must be many for a decade to come--will know
+quite how well it is done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the late Mr. NOEL ROSS, who, to the infinite loss of British journalism,
+died at the early age of twenty-seven, Mr. Punch cannot trust himself to
+speak with the cold detachment of the critic. He saw life with the clear
+eye of happy youth and set it down with the easy pen of a ready writer.
+Coming from New Zealand, through the War, to England, his natural talents
+were at once recognised, and he won a position for himself on the staff of
+_The Times_. In the leisure moments spared from the service of the Old Lady
+of Printing House Square, he would crack a jest, now and then, with the Old
+Sage of Bouverie Street. Mr. EDWIN ARNOLD now publishes a collection of his
+writings under the title, _Noel Ross and His Work_, and Mr. Punch confines
+himself to commending the volume to his readers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST.
+
+SIR ISAAC NEWTON'S APPLE.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, March 3rd, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 16563-8.txt or 16563-8.zip *****
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, March 3rd, 1920.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
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+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
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+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 3rd, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 3rd, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 20, 2005 [EBook #16563]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 158.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 3rd, 1920.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+  <p>A lunatic who recently escaped from an asylum was eventually
+  recaptured in a large dancing-hall in the West-End. The fact that he was
+  waltzing divinely and keeping perfect time with the music aroused the
+  other dancers' suspicions and led to his recapture.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The latest type of Tank, Mr. <font class="sc">Winston Churchill</font>
+  informed the House of Commons, weighs thirty tons and can pass over a
+  brick without crushing it. It is said to be modelled on the Profiteering
+  Act.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The proposal of the <font class="sc">Home Secretary</font> to add
+  fifty per cent. to taxi-cab fares and abolish the initial charge of
+  sixpence is said to find favour both with owners and drivers. The men in
+  particular have always chafed at the necessity of messing about with
+  small silver.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Much sympathy is felt locally for the man who in the excitement caused
+  by the declaration of the poll at Paisley lost his corkscrew.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"The ex-Kaiser was responsible for the War," says the <i>Kölnische
+  Zeitung</i>. Our Hush-hush Department seems to have grown very lax of
+  late.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A welcome case of judicial sympathy is reported from West London. It
+  appears that a Society lady charged with shop-lifting pleaded that she
+  was the sole support of two kennel-ridden poodles, and was immediately
+  discharged.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Press reports the existence of miles and miles of war-material in
+  huge dumps near Calais and Boulogne. War Office officials, we hear, are
+  greatly relieved, as they have been trying for several months to remember
+  where they had left the stuff.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A lady with small capital would like to meet another similarly
+  situated, with a view to the joint purchase of a reel of thread.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>At Jerusalem a tree has been uprooted whose fall is locally believed
+  to presage the destruction of the Turkish Empire. It is only fair to the
+  tree to point out that if it had known of this it would probably, like
+  the Government, have changed its mind at the last minute.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"One of the problems of civilized humanity," says a writer in <i>The
+  Daily Mail</i>, "is the avoidance of pain-producing elements in ordinary
+  diet." Nowadays it is impossible to eat even so simple a thing as a
+  boiled egg in a restaurant without the risk of being stung.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The identity of the gentleman who, under the initials "A.G.," recently
+  advertised in the Press for the thyroid gland of <i>Proteus
+  diplomaticus</i> remains unrevealed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It appears that the Government have undertaken not to engage in any
+  more war with the Bolshevists, if they, for their part, will endeavour to
+  quell the peace which is still raging.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Englishmen will never forget America," says a Service paper. For
+  ourselves we had hoped that the American bacon affair was closed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A burglar broke into a barrister's chambers in the Temple last week.
+  We understand that he got away without having any money taken off
+  him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A woman who said she had had six husbands asked a London magistrate to
+  grant her a separation. It is supposed that she is breaking up her
+  collection.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Owing to the thick fog experienced in London, last week several
+  daylight hold-ups were unavoidably postponed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>With the present fashion in ladies' wear many owners of beautiful
+  brooches are in the unhappy position of having nothing to attach them
+  to.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In order to raise funds for the building of a new church-porch in a
+  Birmingham parish a member of the committee suggested the sale of small
+  flags in the street. Struck by the originality of this novel idea the
+  chairman agreed to go into the matter in order to see if it was
+  practicable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A farmer writing from Bridgnorth, Salop, to a daily paper states that
+  he has a tame fox which guards the house at night and shepherds the sheep
+  by day. We understand that the Dogs' Trade Union takes a serious view of
+  the whole matter, but is not without hope of being able to avert a
+  strike.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The real value of co-operation was illustrated the other day on the
+  Underground Railway when a lady complained that a straphanger was
+  standing on her foot. Word was immediately passed down the carriage, with
+  the result that by a combined swaying movement in one direction the
+  offender was enabled to remove his foot.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It is estimated that three hundred and forty thousand persons made
+  fortunes out of the War. Of these it is only fair to say that the number
+  who actually encouraged the War to happen are few. The vast majority
+  simply allowed it to come along and do its worst.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Corporation of London made £18 on the sale of waste paper in the
+  year 1919-1920, as compared with over £9000 in the year 1918-1919. It
+  looks as if in the last-named year the Corporation was in communication
+  with a Government Department.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Why will not Scotsmen eat eels?" asks <i>The Manchester Guardian</i>.
+  We cannot say, but we have always understood that the attitude is
+  reciprocal.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" src="images/153.png"
+      alt="Have you an--er--hats?" /></a>
+    "<font class="sc">Have you any&mdash;er&mdash;hats?</font>"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Post-War Hero.</h2>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>It was a stainless patriot, who could not bear to fight</p>
+      <p>For England the oppressor, or own that she was right;</p>
+      <p>But when the War was over, to show his martial breed,</p>
+      <p>He shot down three policemen and made a woman bleed.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+<h2>PAISLEY TO THE RESCUE OF
+THE COALITION.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>The <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> to Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font></i>)</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Welcome, for Old Long Since's sake,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Home to your ancient seat!</p>
+      <p>It needed only this to make</p>
+      <p class="i2">My cup of joy complete;</p>
+      <p>The weary waiting time is past;</p>
+      <p class="i2">The yawning vacuum is mended;</p>
+      <p>And here we have you back at last&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Oh, <font class="sc">Herbert</font>, this is splendid!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>As one whose wisdom overflows</p>
+      <p class="i2">With human nature's lore,</p>
+      <p>You know they make the keenest foes</p>
+      <p class="i2">Who have been friends before;</p>
+      <p>We loved as only Liberals do</p>
+      <p class="i2">Until their rival sabres rattle</p>
+      <p>And Greek joins Greek (like me and you)&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Then is the tug of battle.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>As an old Parliamentary hand</p>
+      <p class="i2">Familiar with the ropes,</p>
+      <p>Those perils you will understand</p>
+      <p class="i2">With which a Premier copes</p>
+      <p>Whose big battalions run to seed,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Having indulged a taste for slacking,</p>
+      <p>And let their muscles moult for need</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of foemen worth the whacking.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Such was my case. By habit's use</p>
+      <p class="i2">They still obeyed the whip,</p>
+      <p>But loyal zeal grew limp and loose</p>
+      <p class="i2">And things were left to rip;</p>
+      <p>I had no hope to stay the rot</p>
+      <p class="i2">And fortify their old affections</p>
+      <p>(Save for the stimulus they got</p>
+      <p class="i2">From losing by-elections).</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Daily I took, to keep me fit,</p>
+      <p class="i2">My tonic in <i>The Times</i>;</p>
+      <p>Daily recovered tone and grit</p>
+      <p class="i2">Reading about my crimes;</p>
+      <p>But one strong foe is what we lack</p>
+      <p class="i2">To put us on our best behaviour;</p>
+      <p>That's why in you I welcome back</p>
+      <p class="i2">The Coalition's saviour.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">O.S.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AUCTION IN THE SPACIOUS TIMES.</h2>
+
+  <p>"It is Our Royal pleasure to will and declare one diamond," said the
+  <font class="sc">Virgin Queen</font>, when the Keeper of the Privy Purse
+  had arranged her hand for her. Sir <font class="sc">Walter
+  Raleigh</font>, who sat on her left, was on his feet in a twinkling.
+  "Like to like, 'twas ever thus," he murmured, bowing low to his
+  Sovereign. "I crave leave to call two humble clubs, as becometh so mean a
+  subject of Your Majesty," It is not known whether his allusion to the
+  <font class="sc">Queen's</font> call was intended to refer to the diamond
+  rings upon <font class="sc">Her Majesty's</font> fingers or to the
+  scintillating glint in <font class="sc">Her Majesty's</font> eyes, but
+  she inclined her head graciously in acknowledgment of his remarks before
+  turning to her partner.</p>
+
+  <p>"What say you, my Lord of <font class="sc">Leicester</font>?" she
+  asked. "Wilt support a poor weak woman?" His Lordship, however, looked
+  down his noble nose and said nothing for quite a long time. He found
+  himself, to use a vulgar phrase, in the <i>consommé</i>. His hand
+  contained the ace, king and six other spades, nothing to write home about
+  in hearts or clubs, and one small diamond. To take from his partner the
+  right to play the hand would be the act of a fool&mdash;the mere thought
+  made him raise a hand to his neck as though to assure himself of its
+  continuity. Even failure to support her call would be looked on as
+  ungallant, if nothing worse.</p>
+
+  <p>"How now, sirrah? Art sleeping in Our presence?" prompted the <font
+  class="sc">Queen</font> sharply.</p>
+
+  <p>The <font class="sc">Earl</font> swallowed noisily once or twice, just
+  to show that he was awake, and then plunged.</p>
+
+  <p>"An it please you, Madam, two diamonds," he muttered, with but a sorry
+  show of his habitual arrogance.</p>
+
+  <p>"Double!" said Sir <font class="sc">Francis Drake</font> in crisp
+  seamanlike tones, whereat the Earl of <font class="sc">Leicester</font>
+  was seen to fumble for the hilt of his rapier.</p>
+
+  <p>"Stay, my Lord," his liege commanded; "'tis true the Knight hath left
+  his manners in Devonshire, or on the Spanish main mayhap, but keep your
+  brawl for an hour and place more fitting. We redouble."</p>
+
+  <p>A momentary silence followed the <font class="sc">Queen's</font>
+  discourse, cut short by the uncouth ejaculation "'Ods fish!" which
+  escaped from Sir <font class="sc">Francis</font> apparently without his
+  consent. He embarked on an apology at once, based on the fact that he was
+  but an honest sailor; but, meeting with no encouragement, he gave it up
+  and fell to sucking his teeth.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Walter</font> meanwhile made good use of the
+  interval to perfect a flower of speech signifying, in a manner worthy a
+  courtier of his reputation, that he was content. His effort drew from the
+  <font class="sc">Queen</font> a glance as nearly approaching the "glad
+  eye" as any that august spinster was ever known to dispense. The Laird of
+  Kenilworth announced that he also was content; but historians should
+  accept the statement with reserve. Sir <font class="sc">Francis</font>
+  either wasn't sure whether the rules of the game allowed him to double
+  again, or else had just enough tact not to do so. The game then
+  proceeded.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Walter</font> led the ace of clubs. The
+  appearance of the noble lord's solitary little diamond, as he laid down
+  his hand, was greeted by a loud hiccough from the old salt, and the <font
+  class="sc">Queen</font> herself was only saved from swooning by the
+  timely administrations of a page with a flask of sal-volatile.</p>
+
+  <p>When, fourth in hand, she trumped the honest sailor's ace, her partner
+  had the hardihood to make conventional inquiry as to whether she had any
+  clubs. <font class="sc">Her Majesty</font> uttered in reply the one
+  dreadful word, "Treason," thus avoiding with true statesmanship any
+  direct answer to the question, and indicating clearly her opinion of his
+  two-diamond call. The Keeper of the Privy Purse shot out a lean hand and
+  gathered in the trick.</p>
+
+  <p>With the help of the ace of spades in dummy, the ace of hearts in her
+  own hand, and a discriminating use of her Royal prerogative in the matter
+  of following suit, all went well until the odd trick had been won. After
+  that, however, Sir <font class="sc">Francis</font>, who had not doubled
+  without good reason, proceeded to deal out six diamonds, led by the ace,
+  king and queen. His partner unwisely allowed his feelings to get the
+  better of him. "As <font class="sc">Will Shakspeare</font> hath it," he
+  observed with unction, "'now is the winter of our discontent made
+  glorious summer&mdash;'" but stopped on a sudden, with ears and scalp
+  twitching horribly.</p>
+
+  <p>"Ho without! Summon the guard!" roared the last of the Tudors, and
+  immediately an N.C.O. and six private beef-eaters appeared on the scene.
+  "Convey Our compliments to the Governor of the Tower," she continued,
+  addressing the N.C.O., "and bid him confine the Earl of <font
+  class="sc">Leicester</font> during Our pleasure. My Lord," she added,
+  turning to her luckless partner, "'twere well, methinks, you should have
+  leisure in which to reflect on the folly of trifling with a woman."</p>
+
+  <p>It is greatly to the <font class="sc">Earl's</font> credit that at
+  this point he made strenuous endeavours to surrender his sword in
+  accordance with the drill-book, but as it refused to come out of its
+  scabbard he was obliged to unbutton the frog from his belt and hand over
+  the weapon complete with leather gear. This formality achieved, he was
+  led away to durance vile.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Francis</font>, poor fellow, fared scarcely
+  better than the Earl. "Begone to sea, Sir Knight," hissed the <font
+  class="sc">Queen</font>; "mayhap the Dons will teach you more becoming
+  manners. Begone, I say, and look to 't your ships return not empty, else
+  shall you not receive payment of your winnings."</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Francis</font> went.</p>
+
+  <p>A glance at the pitiable condition of Sir <font
+  class="sc">Walter</font> caused <font class="sc">Her Majesty's</font>
+  heart to soften somewhat. "Come, Sir," she cooed, "an arm, prithee, and
+  We will seek a place where you may read to Us the mummings of this
+  strange bard, <font class="sc">Will Shakspeare</font>."</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Walter</font> at once regained control of his
+  nerve-centres and escorted <font class="sc">Her Majesty</font> from the
+  painful scene.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/155.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155.png"
+      alt="THE ELUSIVE PEST." /></a>
+    <h3>THE ELUSIVE PEST.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><font class="sc">John Bull.</font> "GOT HIM!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><font class="sc">The Profiteer.</font> "I DON'T
+    THINK!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page164" id="page164"></a>[pg 164]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/156.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156.png"
+      alt="Nothing wrong with my eyesight?" /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Patient.</i> "<font class="sc">And you really think there is
+    nothing wrong with my eyesight?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Oculist.</i> "<font class="sc">Nothing at all. Perfectly
+    normal</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Patient.</i> "<font class="sc">Ah, then it must be the way I've
+    been holding my putter</font>."</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GEORGE AND THE COW-DRAGON.</h2>
+
+  <p>The "rockerty-tockerty-tock" refrain of the carriage-wheels below me
+  changed into a jarring whine as the train came to a full stop. I looked
+  out on a dim-lit platform which seemed to be peopled only by a squad of
+  milk-cans standing shoulder to shoulder like Noah's Ark soldiers.</p>
+
+  <p>As the engine shrieked and plunged into its collar again the door was
+  jerked open and a man projected himself into the carriage and, opening
+  the window so that the compartment was flooded with cold air, leaned out
+  and resumed his conversation with a friend till the train bore him out of
+  shouting range. He then pulled up the window, trod on my foot, sat on my
+  lap and eventually came to rest on the seat opposite me.</p>
+
+  <p>It was a small man, red of head and bright of eye. He wore his cap at
+  the back of his head, so as to exhibit to an admiring world a
+  carefully-cultured curl of the "quiff" variety, which was plastered
+  across his forehead with a great expenditure of grease. His tie was a
+  ready-made bow of shot-colours, red, green, blue and purple, and from his
+  glittering watch-chain hung many fanciful medals, like soles upon a
+  line.</p>
+
+  <p>"Brother-in-law to me," he remarked, jerking his thumb towards the
+  back-rushing lights of Exeter.</p>
+
+  <p>"Who?" I inquired.</p>
+
+  <p>"That young feller I was talking to just now. Didn't you see me
+  talking to a young feller?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, yes, I believe I did hear you talking to somebody."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, him. Married a sister to me, so he's my brother-in-law, ain't
+  he?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Certainly."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, you're wrong then. He's only a half-brother-in-law, because she
+  is only a half-sister to me, her ma marrying my old man. Understand?"</p>
+
+  <p>I said I did and pulled up my rug as a signal that I was going to
+  sleep and the conversation was at an end.</p>
+
+  <p>"Anyhow, whatever he is, he's good enough for her."</p>
+
+  <p>I remarked that that was most satisfactory and closed my eyes.</p>
+
+  <p>He drew out a yellow packet of cigarettes, selected one and held them
+  in my direction. I declined and again closed my eyes.</p>
+
+  <p>"Very good, please yourself, it's one more for little Willie. All I
+  can say is that you're foolish not taking a good fag when it don't cost
+  you nothing. You don't catch me refusing a free fag even when I don't
+  want to smoke. I takes it and puts it in my cap for when I do. Pounds
+  I've saved that way, pounds and pounds."</p>
+
+  <p>He lit his limp tube of paper and mystery, stamped out the match and
+  spat deliberately on the floor.</p>
+
+  <p>"See me do that?"</p>
+
+  <p>I nodded with as much disgust as I could contrive.</p>
+
+  <p>"Know what them notices say I can get for that? Fined or
+  imprisoned."</p>
+
+  <p>He paused for me to marvel at his daring.</p>
+
+  <p>"Think I'm mad to take risks like that, don't cher? Well, I aren't
+  neither. They couldn't catch me out, not they."</p>
+
+  <p>He brushed some ash off his lap on to mine and winked sagely.</p>
+
+  <p>"Suppose the guard was to come in here and start fining and
+  imprisoning me for it, do you know what I'd do? I'd swear <i>you</i> did
+  it."</p>
+
+  <p>"But I should deny it," I retorted hotly.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+  <p>"Of course you would, old chum, and I shouldn't blame you neither, but
+  you wouldn't stand no chance against me"&mdash;he leaned forward and
+  tapped me on the knee as though to emphasize his words&mdash;"<i>I could
+  lie your life away</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>He sank back in his seat, his face aglow with conscious superiority.
+  The clamour of the wheels increased as if they were live things burning
+  with the fever of some bloodthirsty hunt.</p>
+
+  <p>"Firing her up," said the red man; "always racing time, these
+  passenger wagons. It's a dog's life and no blooming error." He prodded my
+  foot with his. "I said 'it's a dog's life and no error.'"</p>
+
+  <p>"What is?" I growled.</p>
+
+  <p>"Engine-driving, of course. I'm on the road myself. Goods-pushing just
+  now, but I've been on the expresses off and on, though it don't suit
+  me&mdash;too much flaring hurry."</p>
+
+  <p>He rattled off into technicalities of his trade, embroidered with
+  tales of hair-bristling adventures and escapes.</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, old chum, there's more in our trade than what most fat-headed
+  passengers thinks. As long as an accident don't occur they don't know
+  what trouble we've been to avoiding of it. I've a good mind to give 'em a
+  smash-up now and again just to teach 'em gratitood. F'instance, me and me
+  mate was running a local down Ilfracombe way last week when what d'you
+  think we runned into?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Ilfracombe?" I hazarded sleepily.</p>
+
+  <p>"An old cow! Now what d' you think of that?"</p>
+
+  <p>"It was so much the worse for the coo," I quoted.</p>
+
+  <p>"What say?"</p>
+
+  <p>"It was so much the worse for the cow."</p>
+
+  <p>"Worse for the cow?"</p>
+
+  <p>"So <font class="sc">George Stephenson</font> said, and he invented
+  the locomotive and ought to know, you'll admit."</p>
+
+  <p>The little man stared at me, his mouth open; for once he seemed bereft
+  of words. We had slowed to a momentary stop, in a small station and
+  pulled out again before he regained control of his tongue, then he broke
+  loose.</p>
+
+  <p>"No, I don't admit it neither. I don't care if your friend George
+  invented the moon, he talks like a fool, and you can tell him so from
+  me."</p>
+
+  <p>"I can't, unfortunately; he's&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"A chap that talks disrespectful and ignorant of cows like that didn't
+  oughter be allowed to live. A cow is one of the worstest things you can
+  run up against. I'd rather run into a row of brick houses than one of
+  them nasty leathery old devils; and you can hand the information to your
+  chum George."</p>
+
+  <p>"I tell you I can't; he's&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Ask any driver or fireman on the road, and if he don't slip you one
+  with a shovel for your withering ignorance he'll tell you just what I'm
+  telling you now. Yes, you and your funny friend."</p>
+
+  <p>"Look here, <font class="sc">George Stephenson</font> has
+  been&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Let your funny friend try running into a cow just for 'speriment.
+  Just let him try it once. They tangle up in your bogies, all slippery
+  bones and hide, slither along with you a yard or two, and the next thing
+  you know is you're over an embankment and your widder is putting in for
+  insurance. Tell your pal George from me."</p>
+
+  <p>The brakes ground on and the lights of a station flickered past the
+  windows.</p>
+
+  <p>"My gosh!" exclaimed the red-headed man, springing to his feet, "this
+  is Cullumpton, and I ought to have got out at the station before." He
+  wrestled with the door-handle. "And it's all through sitting here
+  listening to your everlasting damfool chatter about you and your friend
+  George."</p>
+
+  <p>"Who died forty years before I was born," said I. "Good night."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><font class="sc">Patlander.</font></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" src="images/157.png"
+      alt="Hard work never killed anybody." /></a>
+    <p><i>Robinson.</i> "<font class="sc">It's about time you chaps started
+    to do something. Hard work never killed anybody.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mendicant.</i> "<font class="sc">You are mistaken, Sir. I lost
+    three wives through it.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>
+
+<h2>WIZARDS: KLINGSOR AND ANOTHER.</h2>
+
+  <p>"Another <i>Parsifal</i> ought to be written from the angle of
+  Klingsor, who was an enlightened Arabian, physician, scientist and
+  probably Aristotelian.... The Knights, and Wagner with them, call him a
+  wizard, which was a crude mediæval way of 'slanging' any man who
+  preferred knowledge to superstition."</p>
+
+  <p>This remarkable utterance by the musical critic of <i>The Daily
+  Mail</i> in the issue of February 25th has created a sensation in the
+  political world fully equal to that caused by the announcement of Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Asquith's</font> return for Paisley. Scientific and
+  artistic circles have also been deeply moved.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Philip Sassoon</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd
+  George's</font> new secretary, interviewed by our representative, said
+  that the tribute to his chief was all the more welcome considering its
+  source. His only criticism was that, instead of calling the charge of
+  wizardry a "crude mediæval" mode of invective, he should prefer to style
+  it an ultra-modern application of the art of obloquy.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Oliver Lodge</font>, in a wireless message from
+  New York, entirely approved of <i>The Daily Mail's</i> reading of <font
+  class="sc">Klingsor's</font> character. He was clearly a scientist and a
+  spiritualist of remarkable attainments. The defection of <i>Kundry</i> to
+  the side of the Knights was a sad instance&mdash;but not without modern
+  parallels&mdash;of the unrelenting pressure exerted on weak women by the
+  zealots of orthodoxy.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. A.B. <font class="sc">Walkley</font> said that he had long
+  suspected <font class="sc">Klingsor</font> of being a
+  crypto-Aristotelian, but the arguments of the writer in <i>The Daily
+  Mail</i> had converted his suspicion to a certainty. He proposed to deal
+  with the matter more fully in an imaginary dialogue between <font
+  class="sc">Klingsor</font> and Sir <font class="sc">Oswald Stoll</font>
+  (who was a devout follower of <font class="sc">Herbert Spencer</font>)
+  which would shortly appear in <i>The Times</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Devant</font> professed himself delighted with
+  the vindication of <font class="sc">Klingsor</font>, who was undoubtedly,
+  like <font class="sc">Roger Bacon</font>, a first-rate conjurer, far in
+  advance of his time, and with limited resources was yet capable of
+  producing illusions which would not have disgraced the stage of St.
+  George's Hall.</p>
+
+  <p>The Archbishop of <font class="sc">Canterbury</font> excused himself
+  from pronouncing a definite opinion on the subject, but pointed out that
+  it would doubtless come within the purview of the inquiry into
+  Spiritualism undertaken by high clerical authority.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Jacob Epstein</font> made the gratifying
+  announcement that he was engaged on a colossal statue of Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Lloyd George</font> in the character of the modern
+  <i>Merlin</i>. His treatment might not commend itself to the leaders of
+  Nonconformity in Wales, but his own artistic conscience was clear, and he
+  felt he could count on the benevolent sympathy of the Northcliffe
+  Press.</p>
+
+  <p>The Editor of <i>The Times</i> strongly demurred to the statement that
+  <font class="sc">Klingsor</font> was an Arabian. The great authority on
+  <font class="sc">Klingsor</font> was the anonymous thirteenth-century
+  epic poem on <i>Lohengrin</i>, the father of <i>Parsifal</i>, and he had
+  no doubt (1) that the author was either a Czecho-Slovak or a Yugo-Slav;
+  (2) that <font class="sc">Klingsor</font>, as the etymology suggested,
+  was of the latter race. In these circumstances the attempt to establish
+  an affinity between Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> and <font
+  class="sc">Klingsor</font> was nothing short of an outrage, which might
+  have disastrous results on our relations with the new States of Central
+  Europe.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. J. <font class="sc">Maynard Keynes</font> observed that the
+  characterisation of Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font>, implicit in
+  the defence of <font class="sc">Klingsor</font> made by the musical
+  critic of <i>The Daily Mail</i>, indirectly confirmed his own
+  impressions. It was true that the <font class="sc">Premier</font> did not
+  physically resemble an Arab sheikh, and his knowledge of medicine,
+  science or philosophy, to say nothing of geography, was decidedly jejune,
+  but the sad case of President <font class="sc">Wilson</font> made it all
+  too clear that he was capable of exerting a hypnotic influence on his
+  colleagues. Mr. <font class="sc">Keynes</font> did not think Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Lloyd George</font> was an Aristotelian; he preferred to
+  consider him an unconscious Pragmatist. This view he proposed to develop
+  in his forthcoming volume on the Subliminal Conscience of
+  Nonconformity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO JAMES (MULE) WHO HAS PLAYED ME FALSE.</h2>
+
+  <p>[Many mules are appearing upon the streets of London and are showing
+  an extraordinary and unexpected docility amidst the traffic.]</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>James, when I note your air supremely docile,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Your well-fed look of undisturbed content</p>
+      <p>(Doubtless you find this land an adipose isle</p>
+      <p class="i2">After lean times on active service spent),</p>
+      <p>I do not join with those who hymn your praises</p>
+      <p class="i2">For calmness mid the turmoil of the town;</p>
+      <p>I find myself consigning you to blazes&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i6">James, you have let me down.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>For I am one who, after having striven,</p>
+      <p class="i2">A hero (<i>vide</i> Press) though far from bold,</p>
+      <p>Has come back home and, naturally, given</p>
+      <p class="i2">Artistic touches to the tales he's told;</p>
+      <p>The Transport was my scene of martial labours;</p>
+      <p class="i2">That was the section where I saw it through;</p>
+      <p>And I have told astonished friends and neighbours</p>
+      <p class="i6">Some lurid yarns of you.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>You are the theme I have been wont to brag on;</p>
+      <p class="i2">I've told how you, my now innocuous moke,</p>
+      <p>Would chew the tail-board off a G.S. wagon</p>
+      <p class="i2">By way of mere <i>plaisanterie</i> (or joke);</p>
+      <p>Dubbed you most diabolical of ragers,</p>
+      <p class="i2">A rampant hooligan, a fetid tough,</p>
+      <p>A thing without respect for sergeant-majors&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i6">That is to say, hot stuff.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Full many a fair young thing I've seen displaying</p>
+      <p class="i2">A sympathetic pallor on her cheek</p>
+      <p>And wonder in her eye, when I've been saying</p>
+      <p class="i2">How almost every day in Salonique</p>
+      <p>You jazzed with me on brinks of precipices;</p>
+      <p class="i2">But when I talk to-day they cannot fail</p>
+      <p>To think of you in town and murmur, "This is</p>
+      <p class="i6">A likely sort of tale."</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>To take, without one thought of evil plotting,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Even without one last protesting kick,</p>
+      <p>Thus kindly to somnambulistic trotting&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Oh, James, old pal, it was a dirty trick;</p>
+      <p>To show the yarns I'd told of you and written</p>
+      <p class="i2">(In letters home) were not entirely swank</p>
+      <p>At very least, I think, you might have bitten</p>
+      <p class="i6">The policeman at the Bank.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Boat Race "Intelligence."</h4>
+
+  <p>"The Oxford University crew arrived at Henley yesterday for a week's
+  practice. The Cambridge president, Mr. E.A. Berrisford, accompanied the
+  crew as spare man."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The Government, said Mr. Bonar Law, had not received any intimation
+  from the Netherlands Government that Holland had decided to keep the
+  ex-Kaiser in Curaçoa."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Good news for Mr. <font class="sc">Pussyfoot</font>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Essex</font> and <font class="sc">Sussex
+  Borders</font>.&mdash;To be Let, well-built Mansion, surrounded by fine
+  gardens, situate in one of the finest parts of this delightful
+  country."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>But it must be rather a nuisance to cross the Thames every time you
+  want to go from the Essex to the Sussex wing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159.png"
+      alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a>
+    <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">TYPICAL COSTUME FOR AN EARNEST WORKER IN THE CAUSE OF
+    CHARITY.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" src="images/160.png"
+      alt="BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND." /></a>
+    <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3>
+
+    <p>THE RAGE EXHIBITED BY AN AUTHOR WHILE HAVING ONE OF HIS NOVELS
+    FILMED IS UTILISED BY THE INTELLIGENT MANAGER OF THE FILM COMPANY FOR A
+    NEW "THREE-REEL COMIC," ENTITLED "HOW AUTHORS WORK."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SUZANNE'S BANKING ACCOUNT.</h2>
+
+  <p>"These want paying," said Suzanne as she bounced into my nominally
+  sacred den at a strictly prohibited hour. Therewith she thrust a
+  <i>dossier</i> of tradesmen's bills into my feebly-resisting hands, and
+  bang went an idea I had been tenderly nursing since breakfast.</p>
+
+  <p>"But I can't spend the rest of the morning writing cheques," I
+  protested. "I'm engaged just now on a most important article."</p>
+
+  <p>"With your eyes shut," commented Suzanne, stooping to a grossly unfair
+  insinuation. "I must tell Cook to make the breakfast coffee stronger in
+  future; then you might manage to&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Look here, Suzanne, you've been married to me long enough to know my
+  methods of work. I can't begin an article until I've got the whole thing
+  shaped in my mind, and to do that I must shut out everything else."</p>
+
+  <p>"Especially your wife, I suppose. Well, I won't stay. You've got all
+  the bills there; but don't start writing the cheques till you've got them
+  well shaped in your mind."</p>
+
+  <p>"But what on earth does all this mass of accounting literature
+  represent?" I asked.</p>
+
+  <p>"For the benefit of new readers a synopsis is attached," said Suzanne.
+  "They're mostly small items; for instance, Madame Pillby&mdash;she's the
+  little dressmaker round the corner, you know; though why an all-British
+  spinster should call herself 'Madame' I can't
+  imagine&mdash;five-and-fourpence-ha'penny."</p>
+
+  <p>"Suzanne; I will <i>not</i> write a cheque for
+  five-and-fourpence-ha'penny! Are they all like that?"</p>
+
+  <p>"The biggest is two guineas; that's what it cost to have my last
+  dance-hat altered to your specifications, because you said it tickled
+  your nose. There are seventeen of them in all&mdash;bills, not hats;
+  total, twelve pounds fifteen shillings and elevenpence three farthings,
+  pa-pa."</p>
+
+  <p>"I'll tell you what I'm going to do," I said. "I'm going to advertise
+  in the Personal Columns of the papers that I will not be responsible for
+  payment of any debts incurred by my wife under the sum of one pound.
+  That'll stop this half-crown cheque nuisance. Why don't you go out and
+  buy yourself a packet of assorted postal-orders?"</p>
+
+  <p>"I did once; but I got in with a nice long list just before
+  closing-time, and there was very nearly a riot on both sides of the
+  counter."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, anyhow, this sort of thing has got to stop; I can't waste all
+  the morning settling your miserable little bills. What we'll do is this:
+  you shall have your own banking-account, and in future you can write your
+  own cheques&mdash;as long as the Bank will stick it."</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, how perfectly splendid!" cried Suzanne. "I've always wanted to
+  have a cheque-book of my own, but Father thought it unsexing. Do let's go
+  and take out the licence at once."</p>
+
+  <p>The precious hour of fertilisation was already wasted, so there and
+  then I escorted Suzanne to the Bank. At my demand we were ushered into
+  the Manager's room, where we were received with a courtesy only too
+  obviously tempered by the suspicion that I had come to suggest an
+  overdraft. On my explaining our errand, however, the Manager's features
+  relaxed their tenseness, and as I wrote the cheque that brought Suzanne's
+  account into a sordid world he even attempted a vein of fatherly
+  benediction.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now we shall require a specimen of the lady's signature," he said as
+  he produced an amazingly obese ledger and indicated where Suzanne was to
+  sign her name. "Remove the glove, please," he added hastily.</p>
+
+  <p>"Just like old times in the vestry," said Suzanne to me in a whisper.
+  Then she wrote her name&mdash;"Suzanne Désirée <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page169" id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> Beverley
+  Trumpington-Jones"&mdash;all of it. By the time she had finished she had
+  trespassed into several columns reserved for entirely different uses. The
+  Manager surveyed the effect with consternation.</p>
+
+  <p>"Rather a long name, isn't it?" he asked diffidently. "I was only
+  wondering if our cheque-forms would accommodate it all."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, I'm not really responsible for it all," she replied. "The
+  Trumpington-Jones part is the more or less permanent result of a serious
+  accident when I was little more than a child. But I might shorten it a
+  bit. I sometimes answer to the name of Soozles, but I suppose that would
+  only do for really intimate cheques. How would 'S. Beverley T.-Jones' do?
+  I shouldn't like to lose the 'Beverley' as it's a kind of family
+  heirloom, and I always use it, even when I'm writing to the sweep."</p>
+
+  <p>I edged away to the window and left them to settle the signature
+  question among themselves.</p>
+
+  <p>"And what kind of cheques would you like&mdash;'Order' or 'Bearer'?" I
+  next heard the Manager asking.</p>
+
+  <p>"Show me some patterns, please," commanded Suzanne.</p>
+
+  <p>On the wall was a frame containing a number of different cheque
+  varieties, to which her attention was directed.</p>
+
+  <p>"Haven't you any other colours?" she asked. "I thought a
+  black-and-yellow cheque would be rather becoming; but don't bother about
+  it if it's not in stock."</p>
+
+  <p>She ended by taking one book of blue and one of purple cheques, and
+  with these and a paying-in-book (which she said would do so nicely for
+  spills) we at last departed. From behind the closed door of the private
+  office I distinctly heard a prolonged sigh of relief.</p>
+
+  <p>A few days later I came upon Suzanne sitting at her writing-table and
+  examining a cheque with a mystified air.</p>
+
+  <p>"Anything wrong?" I asked.</p>
+
+  <p>"I don't quite know," she replied. "I sent Angela this cheque the
+  other day to pay for my ticket for the Law-Courts' Revel, and she says
+  the Bank people have returned it to her. And it's marked 'R.D.' in red
+  ink. Who is 'R.D.'?"</p>
+
+  <p>"He's the gentleman who censors cheques; and he has a way of
+  disqualifying them when there's not enough cash to pay them. Suzanne,
+  what have you done with all that money I paid into your account last
+  Monday?"</p>
+
+  <p>"But I've only paid those footling little bills. There must be tons of
+  money left, unless the Bank's been speculating with it."</p>
+
+  <p>"Let me have a look at that cheque," I said.</p>
+
+  <p>She handed it to me and I examined it carefully.</p>
+
+  <p>"I see it's signed 'Thine, Suzanne.'"</p>
+
+  <p>"But that's how I always sign myself to Angela," she said; "and the
+  Manager distinctly told me to use my customary signature."</p>
+
+  <p>"Signature&mdash;not signatures," I explained gently. "They're rooted
+  in convention at the Bank and can't bear the least approach to variety.
+  And what's this scribbled on the back of it?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, that's only a note I dashed off to Angela telling her what I was
+  going to wear. It seemed such a pity to waste a sheet of notepaper when
+  there was all that space to spare."</p>
+
+  <p>I gave her a quarter-of-an-hour's lesson in the art of drawing
+  cheques. Then I took up the paying-in book which was lying on the table.
+  I knew it ought to be in a virgin state as I had added nothing to the
+  entrance money. "And what might all these figures portend?" I asked.</p>
+
+  <p>"Those? Oh, that's baby's weight-chart. I'm always going to keep it
+  there."</p>
+
+  <p>Well, well, if Suzanne looks after the weighing-in I can at least
+  control the paying-in. And I left it at that.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/161.png"><img width="100%" src="images/161.png"
+      alt="The O.B.E." /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Brown.</i> "<font class="sc">What did they give old Slowcombe the
+    O.B.E. for?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones.</i> "<font class="sc">The 'Other Beggars' Energy,' I
+    imagine.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%" src="images/162.png"
+      alt="The best education that money can buy." /></a>
+    <p><i>Fond Parent</i> (<i>who has done pretty well in woollens</i>).
+    "<font class="sc">Well, Sonny, we've decided to give you the best
+    education that money can buy. After all, you won't have to do anything
+    except be a gentleman.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>IF THE ARMY ADVERTISED.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">BATTALION ORDERS.</p>
+
+  <p>(1) <i>Duties, Officers.</i>&mdash;Orderly Officer for to-morrow:
+  Second-Lieutenant W. Jenks.</p>
+
+  <p>W. Jenks is prepared to undertake duty for any brother subaltern.
+  Terms&mdash;one day's pay, plus fifty per cent. for Saturdays or Sundays
+  (handsome discount for cash in advance). Sleepless activity. Guards
+  visited courteously but firmly. Any unusual occurrence handled with
+  precision and despatch. Engage W. Jenks to do your duty, then sign your
+  report with a clear conscience. Testimonials from all ranks.</p>
+
+  <p>(2) <i>Parades.</i>&mdash;0830 hours and 1130 hours, as per
+  routine.</p>
+
+  <p>Hello! Hello!! Hello!!! Come in your hundreds. Amusing and
+  health-giving. Bracing barrack-square; magnificent pedestrian exercise.
+  Come and be experimented on by Sergt.-Major Whizbang, the great military
+  spellbinder. See the Adjutant put Company Commanders through the hoop.
+  Screams of laughter at every performance. Best places in the ranks for
+  those who arrive early. Twice daily (Sundays excepted) till further
+  notice. Breakfast kept for those attending first house.</p>
+
+  <p>(3) <i>Dress, etc., Officers.</i>&mdash;Attention is again drawn to
+  recent instructions on these matters.</p>
+
+  <p>Why invite trouble when the local A.P.M. is simply yearning to advise
+  you on points of etiquette? A kindly benevolent man who never forgets
+  that he himself was once a regimental officer. He will tell you whether
+  or not you may arm your aged grandmother across a busy London street
+  without risking your commission. If you favour whiskers, call and see his
+  inimitable museum of permissible patterns. Always at your service.</p>
+
+  <p>(4) <i>Musketry.</i>&mdash;The next party to fire General Musketry
+  Course will proceed on the 2nd prox.</p>
+
+  <p>The finest form of outdoor sport (for these who prefer it to any
+  other) is shooting. We are making up a little party to proceed to camp
+  next week. Will you join us? Sylvan scenery; country air; simple
+  wholesome diet; young and cheery society. Cigars or cocoanuts every time
+  you hit the bull's-eye. Practice at stray dogs about camp is encouraged.
+  Secure the skin of one of these beautifully-marked creatures for your own
+  barrack-room bedside.</p>
+
+  <p>(5) <i>Hair, Length of.</i>&mdash;The practice of allowing the hair to
+  grow beyond the regulation length must cease.</p>
+
+  <p>Why suffer the inconvenience of long hair when our own regimental
+  tonsorial artist is waiting to bob it for you free of charge? Luxurious
+  saloon; deft workmanship; no tips. His speciality&mdash;memento locks.
+  Twelve such souvenirs guaranteed from one crop. Bald soldiers supplied to
+  taste from surplus clippings. A delicate, lasting and inexpensive
+  compliment to lady friends on leaving a station. Start collecting
+  now.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Inns of Court Reserve Corps.</h4>
+
+  <p>A psychical séance of the above disembodied Corps will be held on
+  Friday the 26th March, in the Common Room of the Law Society in Chancery
+  Lane (by kind permission of the Council), commencing 7.30 <font
+  class="sc">p.m</font>.</p>
+
+  <p>Astral members desirous of attending should apply to their late
+  Platoon Sergeants, or to Mr. H.L. <font class="sc">Bolton</font>, 1, The
+  Sanctuary, Westminster.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%" src="images/163.png"
+      alt="THE RETURN OF THE EX-CHAMPION." /></a>
+    <h3>THE RETURN OF THE EX-CHAMPION.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Mr. Lloyd George.</font> "WELCOME BACK! I'VE BEEN
+    WANTING A SPARRING PARTNER TO GET ME INTO CONDITION; AND YOU'RE THE
+    VERY MAN."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+  <p><i>Monday, February 23rd.</i>&mdash;The Highland Fling involves, I
+  understand, some complicated figures, but it is nothing to the Lowland
+  Reel (<font class="sc">Coats</font>' variety), on which subject Sir <font
+  class="sc">Auckland Geddes</font> was rather badly heckled this
+  afternoon. A suggestion that Messrs. <font class="sc">Coats</font> might
+  use the profits of their foreign trade to reduce the price to the home
+  consumer drove the harassed Minister into an unconscious <i>mot</i>.
+  "Suppose," he said, "they cut the thread ... where should we be
+  then?"</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/164-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/164-1.png"
+      alt="THE TANK AND THE LITTLE BRICK." /></a>
+    THE TANK AND THE LITTLE BRICK.
+
+    <p class="center">(<font class="sc">Mr. Churchill and Captain Wedgwood
+    Benn</font>.)</p>
+
+    <p>"The tank, weighing thirty tons, is able to pass over a brick lying
+    on the road without crushing it. This is a very important
+    point."&mdash;<i>Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font></i>.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Charles Palmer</font>, the well-known
+  <i>Globe</i>-trotter, has just completed a remarkable journey. Within the
+  space of a few weeks he has traversed the distance from the Press Gallery
+  to the Floor of the Chamber, going round by the Wrekin. During the last
+  stage of the route the intrepid traveller was accompanied by Sir <font
+  class="sc">Henry Dalziel</font> and Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Bottomley</font>.</p>
+
+  <p>In introducing a Vote on Account of the Army for a trifle of
+  seventy-four millions the <font class="sc">War Minister</font> proudly
+  announced that Britain and Germany were the only countries in the world
+  that had abolished conscription&mdash;and Germany's action was not
+  exactly voluntary.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill's</font> description of a new tank, so
+  fast that it could outstrip a foxhound "over a country," so cool that
+  even in the tropics its crew would preserve their <i>sangfroid
+  traditionnel</i>, and so delicately sprung that it could run over a brick
+  without hurting itself&mdash;or the brick&mdash;momentarily encouraged
+  the belief that here was the weapon to make war impossible. But almost in
+  the same breath Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font> stated that
+  simultaneously the War Office had invented a rifle grenade which would
+  put the super-tank out of action. "As you were!"</p>
+
+  <p>Criticism was not entirely disarmed. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Devlin</font> of course talked of Ireland&mdash;"the only
+  country with which the Empire is at war to-day;" and little Capt. <font
+  class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</font> rebuked Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Churchill</font> for his unfilial sneer at "pious America,"
+  and was himself advised "not to develop more indignation than he could
+  contain."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday, February 24th.</i>&mdash;In both Houses the new policy of
+  the Allies in regard to Soviet Russia was unfolded. The gist of it is
+  that they will not enter into diplomatic relations with the Bolshevist
+  Government until it is ready to adopt civilised methods, but in the
+  meantime will heartily encourage trade with Russia. It would seem that
+  the practical genius of our race has once more discovered a means of
+  indulging sentiment without interfering with business.</p>
+
+<br clear="all" />
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+      <a href="images/164-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/164-2.png"
+      alt="THE LABOUR LORD CHANCELLOR." /></a>
+    THE LABOUR LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+    <p class="center"><i>A forecast.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><font class="sc">Lord Haldane.</font></p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Lord <font class="sc">Birkenhead</font> (not <font
+  class="sc">Brokenhead</font>, by the way, as the <i>Cork
+  Constitution</i>, inadvertently or not, calls him) chaffed <font
+  class="sc">Lord Haldane</font> on his "How Happy could I be with Either"
+  attitude between Liberalism and Labour, and advised him definitely to be
+  off with the old love and on with the new, in order that when Labour came
+  into its own the Woolsack might be adequately filled.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Alfred Mond</font> did not allow himself to be
+  perturbed by the description of certain pictures in the Imperial War
+  Museum as "freaks" and "libels," for he had observed "with some
+  astonishment" that most of the art critics had pronounced them to be very
+  fine works of art. But when Mr. <font class="sc">Jeremiah MacVeagh</font>
+  asked if some of these pictures were not portraits of Cabinet Ministers,
+  "and if so how can they possibly be works of art?" the First
+  Commissioner's artistic conscience was stirred, and compelled him to give
+  the questioner a little instruction in first principles. "Whether a
+  portrait is a work of art depends," he pointed out, "on the artist and
+  not on the subject painted."</p>
+
+  <p>The evening was devoted to drink. Sir <font class="sc">John
+  Rees</font>, who urged the abolition of all wartime restrictions, would
+  have been more effective, perhaps, if he had not striven so hard to be
+  lively. One of his sallies, evoked by the impending <i>début</i> of Lady
+  <font class="sc">Astor</font> as a Parliamentary orator, was indeed, as
+  she observed, "more than polite."</p>
+
+  <p>She herself had her moments of gaiety, but was best, I thought, when
+  seriously arguing for the continuance of the restrictions on alcohol in
+  the special interests of women.</p>
+
+  <p>I am afraid, however, that the unregenerate were more intrigued by Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Carr's</font> claim that the Carlisle experiment <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page174" id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> had
+  been a great success&mdash;"it was the only city in the country in which
+  a man could buy a bottle of whisky to take home."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday, February 25th.</i>&mdash;Question-time in the Commons
+  was dominated by the news that Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font> was in
+  for Paisley, and Members were more concerned in discussing the effect of
+  his return upon the Government and Opposition than in listening to
+  Ministerial replies. Sir <font class="sc">Donald Maclean</font> was "all
+  smiles" over his approaching release from the responsibilities of
+  leadership; but Mr. <font class="sc">Hogge</font>, I thought, looked
+  rather like <i>Mrs. Gummidge</i> when "thinking of the old 'un."</p>
+
+  <p>A nod from Mr. <font class="sc">Macpherson</font> and the Government
+  of Ireland Bill was formally and silently introduced&mdash;strange
+  contrast to the long debates and exciting scenes that attended the birth
+  of the Bill's three predecessors in 1886, 1893 and 1912.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir <font class="sc">Robert Horne</font> explained with his usual
+  clarity and persuasiveness the new Unemployment Insurance Bill. The
+  debate on it was interrupted to allow the discussion of a motion by Sir
+  J. <font class="sc">Remnant</font> advocating the increase of police
+  pensions to meet the present cost of living. The police are, with good
+  reason, very popular with the House. In vain the <font class="sc">Home
+  Secretary</font> pointed out that the Government even in this cause did
+  not feel justified in "out-running the constable." Forgetting all their
+  recent zeal for economy Members trooped into the Bobbies' Lobby and beat
+  the Government by 123 to 57.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
+      <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%" src="images/165.png"
+      alt="A work of art." /></a>
+    <p>"Whether a portrait is a work of art depends on the artist and not
+    on the subject painted."&mdash;<i>Sir A. <font class="sc">Mond</font>
+    on the Imperial War Museum Pictures</i>.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>The idea that Irishmen, however much they may dislike British rule,
+  never miss an opportunity of raiding the British Treasury, has received a
+  rude shock. Captain <font class="sc">Redmond</font>, inquiring about the
+  allocation of a sum of a quarter-of-a-million for reconstruction in
+  Ireland, was surprised to learn that ten thousand pounds had been
+  allotted to his own constituency, but not claimed. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Devlin</font> supplied the key to the mystery: "The reason it
+  was not asked for was because we did not know it was there."</p>
+
+  <p>I learn from <i>Who's Who?</i> that the recreations of Sir <font
+  class="sc">Alfred Mond</font> include "golf, motoring and all forms of
+  sport." It must have been with keen regret, therefore, that he felt
+  himself compelled to refuse facilities for cricket in Hyde Park, owing to
+  the risk to the public. Viscount <font class="sc">Curzon</font> asked if
+  cricket was more dangerous than inflammatory speeches. But the <font
+  class="sc">First Commissioner</font>, speaking no doubt from personal
+  experience, expressed the view that there was considerably more danger
+  from a cricket-ball.</p>
+
+  <p>The Opposition had rather bad luck on the Constantinople debate. If
+  they had waited till Monday, as originally arranged, they could have
+  trained their big gun from Paisley on to the Government entrenchments.
+  Through insisting on the earliest possible date, they had to content
+  themselves with the far lighter artillery of Sir <font class="sc">Donald
+  Maclean</font>. Much, however, was hoped from Lord <font
+  class="sc">Robert Cecil</font>, who was believed to be heavily charged
+  with high explosives. But before he could come into range up jumped Sir
+  <font class="sc">Edward Carson</font>, and in a few brief sentences
+  pointed out that until the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> had
+  told them the grounds for the decision to leave the Turk his capital, and
+  the conditions under which he was to stay there, the House was talking in
+  the air. Members thereupon clamoured for the <font class="sc">Prime
+  Minister</font>, who accordingly had to make his defence when he had
+  heard only half the indictment, and to expend most of the ammunition he
+  had prepared for Lord <font class="sc">Robert</font>, including some
+  remarkable specimens of the "deadly parallel," before receiving his
+  adversary's fire.</p>
+
+  <p>That in turn rather upset Lord <font class="sc">Robert's</font> plan
+  of campaign, and he was not much more destructive than Sir <font
+  class="sc">Donald Maclean</font> had been. The House as a whole seemed
+  satisfied that the Allies had done their best with a problem for which
+  there is no perfect solution, and that there was at least a chance that
+  the <font class="sc">Sultan</font> would find the guns of an
+  international fleet pointing at his palace windows a strong incentive to
+  good behaviour.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Another Lady M.P.?</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Mr. Asquith was accompanied by Mrs. Asquith and the audience singing
+  'He's a jolly good Lady Bonham-Carter.'"&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A FANCY BIRD.</h2>
+
+  <p>When any friend of mine is in trouble I always make a point of writing
+  and asking if there is anything I can do. As a rule, there isn't, but it
+  is a satisfaction to me to know I have made the offer. When I heard that
+  Filmer was leaving his spacious house and grounds at Hampstead, selling
+  half his furniture and moving into a third storey flat at Battersea, I
+  wrote at once. I received in reply one of his usual barely decipherable
+  scrawls: "Yes, old dear, you might find a home for my raven; it's ancient
+  and a bit rusty, but lots of life in it yet. I'm parting with all my
+  garden things."</p>
+
+  <p>I busied myself about the matter at once. When a man you have known
+  and respected for years is driven by high prices and income-tax to vacate
+  a beautiful home and asks such a simple thing of you as to find a shelter
+  for his bird, you like to do your best. Personally I knew nothing of
+  ravens, but I recognized the inadequacy of my garden for the
+  accommodation of a bird of any kind, therefore I could not think of
+  taking it. But I had a surface acquaintance with the owner of a carriage
+  drive, and I approached him without delay. He was cold in his manner and
+  said with so many calls upon him he could not see his way to contribute
+  towards the expense of Filmer's move, although he had no doubt, from my
+  representation, that it was a deserving case.</p>
+
+  <p>The misunderstanding arose from my leading up to the object of my
+  visit gradually instead of coming to the point at once and asking him to
+  give a comfortable home to a raven. When I explained further he unbent
+  and said he would think it over.</p>
+
+  <p>Later he wrote:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Re</i> <font class="sc">Raven</font>.</p>
+
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Dear Sir</font>,&mdash;I have consulted an authority
+  on this bird and find that its bad character has brought about its
+  practical extinction in this country save in the mountain fastnesses of
+  Wales and the craggy moors of Yorkshire. I also learn that its extended
+  wings measure thirty-six inches on an average. I must decline to provide
+  an asylum for such an extensive mass of depravity."</p>
+
+  <p>I confess I was discouraged and also somewhat shocked. I felt Filmer
+  should have enlightened me more on the characteristics of his
+  <i>protégé</i>. The episode taught me to avoid preamble in my next quest
+  for a domicile. Also I thought it only right to express myself with
+  absolute frankness. The address of a lady with a reputation for <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page175" id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> a love
+  of animals was given to me, and I hastened to call upon her. She answered
+  the door herself.</p>
+
+  <p>"Madam," I said, "may I ask you of your kind heart to give a home to
+  an almost extinct bird of evil character about a yard across?"</p>
+
+  <p>She looked startled for a moment and then quietly closed the door.</p>
+
+  <p>I was still further discouraged. I felt bound in honour to comply, if
+  possible, with Filmer's comparatively simple request. By chance I ran
+  across Timberley, a man brimful of resource and suggestion. "You want a
+  brewery," he said; "that's the <i>milieu</i> for a raven. To my mind no
+  brewery is artistically complete without one. A raven hopping about the
+  casks gives a <i>je ne sais quoi</i>, a <i>cachet</i>, to the premises.
+  You should get an introduction to a manager."</p>
+
+  <p>With some difficulty I did, and I waited upon him in his private
+  office. He seemed immersed in business and asked me to be seated in such
+  a brusque manner that I had no alternative but to remain standing.</p>
+
+  <p>"I must apologise for trespassing upon your valuable time, but it has
+  been suggested to me that no brewery is complete without a raven&mdash;"
+  I began, stammering slightly from nervousness.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, we've got one. What about it?" he said.</p>
+
+  <p>In face of this unlooked-for development I could do nothing but bow
+  and retire.</p>
+
+  <p>After this third failure to house the bird I threw convention to the
+  winds and took to accosting utter strangers in the street with, "Will you
+  have a raven?" I went rides in trams and tubes and canvassed the
+  passengers. "Not to-day, thank you," was the response, save in a few
+  instances. One man invited me to ask him again and he would do me in. A
+  lady to whom I propounded the query as we were descending the moving
+  staircase side by side precipitated herself forward with such haste that
+  but for the intervening travellers she must have fallen headlong to the
+  bottom. The mother of a family to whom I appealed shook her head politely
+  and said she was obliged to me for the offer, but it was hard enough to
+  pay for butcher's meat; she couldn't afford poultry.</p>
+
+  <p>Then at last, all my efforts having failed, I reluctantly took my pen
+  and wrote to Filmer. In reply I received another of his
+  scrawls:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"What's this about a raven? Don't let it grow on you. The Victory
+  Croquet Club is taking my <font class="sc">Roller</font>, £7 carriage
+  forward. I gave £3 10<i>s.</i> for it second-hand ten years ago.</p>
+
+  <p>"N.B.&mdash;I had great difficulty in reading your writing. Don't
+  cultivate illegibility; it's tiresome for your friends."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%" src="images/166.png"
+      alt="NOT A CELEBRATED COMEDIAN." /></a>
+    <p>NO, THIS IS NOT A CELEBRATED COMEDIAN TELLING A FUNNY STORY; IT'S
+    MERELY A PRIVATE CITIZEN THREATENING TO REPORT TO THE PROFITEERING
+    COMMITTEE.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Referring to charges of drunkenness the Chairman said there were 13
+  men and five women fined for drunkenness and residing at
+  Chiswick."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>To reside at Chiswick may be an eccentricity, but surely is not an
+  offence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page176" id="page176"></a>[pg 176]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%" src="images/167.png"
+      alt="How much for these dozen braces?" /></a>
+    <p><i>Auctioneer.</i> "<font class="sc">Come, gents, how much for these
+    dozen braces?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy.</i> "<font class="sc">Can't take more'n eleven, guv'nor.
+    Lost my second-best evening trousers on the Somme.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">"<font class="sc">John Ferguson.</font>"</p>
+
+  <p>After the unsatisfying theatre-diet which has fallen to me of late I
+  was doubly glad to get my teeth into Mr. St. <font class="sc">John
+  Ervine's</font> good meaty ration at the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith. His
+  theme is as old and new as Job. <i>John Ferguson</i> is a saintly Ulster
+  farmer, apostle of the doctrine of non-resistance (rare type in those
+  parts, I understand) and eager justifier of the ways of God to men.
+  <i>Ferguson's</i> beloved farm is mortgaged; foreclosure imminent. Help
+  is confidently expected from brother <i>Andrew</i> in America, but does
+  not come. Daughter <i>Hannah</i>, sent with a message to the brutal
+  mortgagee, is outraged by him. Prospective son-in-law <i>James</i>, man
+  of great words but little heart, rushes into the night to kill the
+  ravisher. But it is silent son <i>Andrew</i> (destined for the ministry)
+  who does the killing, because he knows <i>James</i> to be a craven.</p>
+
+  <p><i>John Ferguson</i> urges confidently the will of God that
+  <i>James</i>, whom he believes blood-guilty, should not avoid arrest, and
+  refuses to hide him. But when young <i>Andrew</i> insists on giving
+  himself up to save <i>James</i> and his own peace the old man's faith,
+  weakened, falters; he protests in his anguish, but rallies to accept this
+  last blow from the hand of God&mdash;made none the easier to bear by the
+  arrival, just a fatal fortnight late, of the money from his brother, a
+  forgetful sort of man, who had mistaken the date of the mail. The tragic
+  irony of the whole is skilfully heightened by the fact that it is
+  half-witted "<i>Clutie</i>," with his penny whistle and his random words,
+  who goads young <i>Andrew</i> to his vengeance.</p>
+
+  <p>A grim tale finely (perhaps just a little too diffusely) told and
+  admirably presented. Mr. <font class="sc">Ervine's</font> most effective
+  stroke was, I think, the character of <i>James Cæsar</i>, with his
+  pathetic yet revolting self-condemnation, interpreted with a real mastery
+  of art without artifice by Mr. J.M. <font class="sc">Kerrigan</font>, of
+  the old band of "Irish Players." Miss <font class="sc">Moyna
+  MacGill</font> (a name new to me) played her <i>Hannah</i> with an
+  exquisite sincerity and restraint. A particular moment when, from her
+  hysterical laughter at the careful choice made by her father's God of the
+  moment for the arrival of the money, she breaks into a passionate "It's
+  not right! It's not just!" was very fine. The whole character was
+  skilfully built up. The part by no means played itself.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Herbert Marshall's</font> <i>Andrew</i> was also
+  an excellent performance. Was it quite right, however, that the morning
+  after the murder he should appear so completely unruffled? (I admit I
+  don't know my Ulster intimately). I rather think that Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Miles Malleson's</font> well-studied "<i>Clutie</i>" might
+  have been a little less coherent, with more fawning in his manner. He
+  seemed something too normal for his purpose in the piece. The way in
+  which the other characters staved off his piping was beyond all praise. I
+  should guess, from specimens submitted, that his repertory was not
+  extensive.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Rea</font>, as the father, was of course
+  competent, but surely a little overplacid throughout. He accepted the
+  blow of his daughter's dishonour with scarcely a sign that submission
+  caused him any serious pang&mdash;a seeming indifference shared by Miss
+  <font class="sc">Maire O'Neill</font> (<i>Hannah's</i> mother), who
+  appeared quite untroubled a few minutes after the harrowing relation, and
+  indeed seemed throughout to be playing too easily. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Raymond Valentine</font> had a "fat" part as the villain, and
+  well and fatly he played it.</p>
+
+  <p>I realise more than ever the difficulties of an Irish Settlement.</p>
+
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/168-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/168-1.png"
+      alt="Our animal artist..." /></a>
+    <font class="sc">Our animal artist, after a hard day at the Zoo, goes
+    home in a non-smoker and falls asleep.</font>
+  </div>
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/168-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/168-2.png"
+      alt="...sleeps so soundly..." /></a>
+    <font class="sc">He sleeps so soundly that the entry of a big-game
+    hunter's family fails to disturb him.</font>
+  </div>
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/168-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/168-3.png"
+      alt="...he wakes!" /></a>
+    <font class="sc">The roar of a passing train fits in with his dreams of
+    wild animals, and&mdash;he wakes!</font>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span>
+
+<h2>FAME.</h2>
+
+  <p>For a long time past I had felt that something ought to be done about
+  it, and then one evening as I opened my paper in the Tube I came suddenly
+  upon the following paragraph:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"Lunching yesterday with Jack Poppington at the Bitz, where, by the
+  way, M. Caramel treated us to a superbly priceless <i>mousse à la
+  Canadienne</i>, he told me that his <i>Little Pests</i> is selling like
+  wildfire and proving a real bonanza to the lucky publishers, Messrs.
+  Painter and Lilley. Had a pleasant chat with him about old times in the
+  Army Pay Corps, in which we served together for nearly sixteen months
+  during one of the hottest periods of hostilities 'out yonder.' More
+  famous amongst the general public for his black ribboned tortoiseshell
+  monocle and invariable presence at all truly semi-smart Bohemian
+  functions, Poppington keeps a brindled bulldog, grows primulas and is, of
+  course, known to a select circle as the energetic Organising Secretary of
+  the North Battersea Entomological Society."</p>
+
+  <p>The letterpress which I have quoted above was headed "Popular Pap" and
+  formed a kind of frame for a photograph of Mr. Poppington, which seemed
+  to show that his luncheon at the Bitz had not really agreed with him
+  after all, and at the bottom of the column I noted the familiar signature
+  of "<i>Marchand du Beurre</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>As usual when I read paragraphs of this kind I first of all blushed
+  guiltily and glanced round to see whether anyone had noticed how eagerly
+  I was drinking it all in. Then I put on the faint superior smile of
+  recognition which I felt that the situation obviously demanded. Good old
+  Poppington! One of the best. What recollections it stirred!
+  <i>Marchand</i> and he and I&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>When I left the Tube I carefully crumpled the paper up and threw it
+  away, and in the middle of dinner I took care to remark casually to
+  Araminta, "By the way, I suppose you put <i>Little Pests</i> on the
+  library list?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Awfully sorry," she said, "but I'm afraid I hadn't heard of
+  them."</p>
+
+  <p>"Poppington's latest," I said curtly.</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm afraid I haven't heard of Poppington either."</p>
+
+  <p>I gave a sigh of desperation and leant back in my chair.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, really!" I protested. "Surely the man
+  himself&mdash;everybody&mdash;I mean&mdash;his&mdash;his
+  eye-glass&mdash;his bulldog&mdash;of course only a few of us fully
+  appreciate the extent of his actual research work&mdash;but
+  still&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"All right, I'll get it," she replied.</p>
+
+  <p>That finished off Araminta easily enough, but the situation none the
+  less was serious. Paragraphs exactly like this had been meeting my eye in
+  almost every popular paper for month after month, and, though I use two
+  memory systems and have an electric scalp shampoo each week, I find them
+  increasingly difficult to cope with. <i>Who's Which</i> already
+  transgresses the established canons of literary art. It is almost as tall
+  lying down as standing up, and fellows like Poppington are not even in
+  <i>Who's Which</i>. He had not, you observed, even obtained an O.B.E.
+  What would happen if I met him at some public gathering or dinner and by
+  some awful mischance forgot those salient facts?</p>
+
+  <p>It appeared to me that a process for reproducing short biographies of
+  this nature in a slightly larger type on the shirt-fronts of eminent
+  personages was badly needed; it should be coupled, I felt, with an
+  arrangement of periscopes to help one when sitting beside the great man
+  or standing behind his back. Or he might perhaps wear upon his sleeve
+  something like the divisional signs which were so useful in France. Old
+  Poppington, for instance, might have a&mdash;might wear an&mdash;I mean
+  there might be something or other on his coat in red or green or blue to
+  indicate the nature and scope of his secretarial activities and give a
+  fellow the right lead. And to think that every week dozens and dozens of
+  new Poppingtons are springing up like crocuses about me! It was a
+  bewildering thought. They were becoming perhaps the most numerous and
+  influential class in the community. I had visions of mass meetings of
+  "well-known" men&mdash;"well-known" men marching in procession with flags
+  to Downing Street to demand State recognition, statues and pensions, and
+  insisting that it should be made a penal offence not to recognise their
+  well-known features in the street. I made a great resolve. Why should I
+  be left out of it? I determined to join the crowd.</p>
+
+  <p>I had got rather out of touch with old <i>Marchand</i> for some time,
+  and had indeed forgotten exactly what he looked like, but I persuaded a
+  mutual friend to point him out to me, and, selecting the psychological
+  moment, cannoned into him heavily in the street. His spectacles dropped
+  off and his note-book fell out of his hand.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, if it isn't <i>Du Beurre</i>!" I shouted, feigning an ecstatic
+  surprise.</p>
+
+  <p>"I am sorry," he said rather stiffly, when he had recovered his
+  breath, "but I am afraid I haven't the pleasure&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"I am John Smith," I said.</p>
+
+  <p>"I am afraid I still&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Allow me to tell you all about myself," I said. And I did.</p>
+
+  <p>I was a little nervous as to how he would take it, but the event
+  justified me. When I opened my paper next evening I found the following
+  words:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"Ran across John Smith of Ravenscourt Park yesterday afternoon.
+  Chatting with him about one thing and another, he told me something of
+  the methods he has employed to bring about his present celebrity in that
+  salubrious suburb. He has never, it appears, written a book, collaborated
+  in a review, appeared in a night-club, lunched at the Bitz, sat on a
+  committee, or been summoned as a witness in a sensational divorce case.
+  His record, I fancy, must be one of the most thoroughly unique in Greater
+  London."</p>
+
+  <p>There was no photograph of John Smith, but, biting partly into this
+  paragraph and partly into another on the opposite side of the column, was
+  one of Mortimer Despenser, the new film star, featured in <i>Scented
+  Sin</i>, which really did almost as well. Dear old <i>Du Beurre</i>!</p>
+
+<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MUSIC À LA MODE.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was a young singer whose moans</p>
+      <p>Struck a chill to her auditors' bones;</p>
+      <p class="i4">So she had to explain</p>
+      <p class="i4">That she wasn't in pain,</p>
+      <p>But was trying to sing quarter-tones.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There once was a basso, a swain</p>
+      <p>Who came from the rolling Ukraine;</p>
+      <p class="i4">He could sing double D</p>
+      <p class="i4">From breakfast till tea</p>
+      <p>Without any symptom of strain.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was a benevolent peer</p>
+      <p>Who wished to make Art less severe,</p>
+      <p class="i4">So he learned the Jazz drum</p>
+      <p class="i4">And bids fair to become</p>
+      <p>The black man's most terrible fear.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There once was a critic whose bane</p>
+      <p>Was his dread of a style that was plain,</p>
+      <p class="i4">So, resolved to refresh us,</p>
+      <p class="i4">He strove to be precious,</p>
+      <p>But sank to the nether inane.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Amateur Snooker Pool Championship: S.H. Fry
+  Deflated.</font>"&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>It was noticed even during the Billiard competition that he never
+  really got the wind up.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The chief obstacle to the development of water-power is usually the
+  question of finance, and if the scheme will not hold water from that
+  point of view it is not likely to float."&mdash;<i>Electrical
+  Review.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>And if it holds too much water it is certain to sink.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/170.png"><img width="100%" src="images/170.png"
+      alt="MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN." /></a>
+    <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Irishman</i> (<i>discussing "roarer" recently purchased by
+    P.-W.S.</i>). "<font class="sc">Very well known, she was, wid the Ward
+    Union Stag Hounds. The boys used to call her 'the widda,' for why they
+    said ye could always hear her sobbin' afther the deer
+    departed.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>Undeniably Mr. <font class="sc">Caradoc Evans</font> is the bold boy.
+  No doubt you remember (since they are so difficult to forget) the two
+  volumes in which he dealt faithfully (and a bit over) with the manners of
+  his countrymen in the land of their fathers. I have heard, and can well
+  believe, that some of Mr. <font class="sc">Evans'</font> own people were
+  moved by this tribute even to the extent of threatening its author with
+  personal violence. And now he has turned from Welsh Wales to English
+  London, and gives us in <i>My Neighbours</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Melrose</font>) a further collection of sketches pleasantly
+  calculated to prove that the general detestability of his compatriots
+  remains unchanged by their migration from a whitewashed cottage to a
+  villa in Suburbia. Whatever you may think of Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Evans'</font> work, whether it attracts or violently repels,
+  there can be no question of its devastating skill. His sketches, no more
+  than a few pages in length, contain never an idle word, and the phrases
+  bite like vitriol. Moreover he employs an idiom that is (I conjecture) a
+  direct transcription from native speech, which adds enormously to the
+  effect. Understand me, not for worlds would I commend these volumes
+  haphazard to the fastidious; I only say they are clever, arresting and
+  violently individual. Also that, if you have not so far met the work of
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Evans</font>, here is your opportunity, in a volume
+  that shows it at its best, or worst. Half-an-hour's reading will give you
+  an excellent idea of it. At the end of that time you will probably send
+  either to the chemist for a restorative or to the bookseller for the two
+  previous volumes. Meanwhile, if I were the writer, I should purchase a
+  bulldog.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mrs. <font class="sc">George Wemyss</font> has for some time past
+  specialised in spinster-aunts, bachelor-uncles and charming nieces. In
+  <i>Oranges and Lemons</i> (<font class="sc">Constable</font>) she
+  introduces us pleasantly to some more. The plot, in fact, is chiefly
+  concerned with the violent squabbles of an uncle and aunt, who belong to
+  different sides of the family, for the good graces of <i>Diana</i> (who
+  is nineteen, or thereabouts, and radiant), and <i>Shant</i>, (who says
+  so&mdash;just like that&mdash;and is five). There are also several young
+  men. To test his abilities in the <i>Admirable Crichton</i> line
+  <i>Diana</i> maroons the most favoured of these, together with three
+  other aspirants to her hand, and her bachelor uncle, on an island in a
+  Scottish loch, hamperless, on a soft day. As the affections of all the
+  lovers remain undimmed, you can guess what kind of a girl <i>Diana</i>
+  must have been. <i>Shant's</i> even more responsible job is to tumble off
+  a pony and allay the temporary tartness which existed between her two
+  elderly admirers, so that nothing but oranges and orange-blossoms remain.
+  Really, of course, none of the story much matters. But if you want the
+  sensation of having stayed with delightful people in delightful places,
+  where rising prices are not even mentioned or thought of, Mrs. <font
+  class="sc">Wemyss</font> can give it you all the time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>Night and Day</i> (<font class="sc">Duckworth</font>) is the title
+  of <font class="sc">Virginia Woolf's</font> last book; but there is no
+  night for the author's <span class="pagenum"><a name="page180"
+  id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> clarity of vision, or her cleverness in
+  describing every detail she has seen, or her delicate precision of style;
+  there is only daylight, temperate, pervading, but at times, I am afraid,
+  almost irritatingly calm. "Give me one indiscretion of sympathy or
+  emotion on behalf of your characters," the reader is tempted to implore
+  her; "let me feel that you are a little bit excited about them and I
+  shall feel excited too." The story, after all, is the simple one (to put
+  it in the shudderingly crude language of former days) of a girl's change
+  of heart from an unreal love to one of whose sincerity she eventually
+  convinces herself. <i>Katharine Hilbery</i>, the granddaughter of a great
+  poet, brought up by a father whose only interest is in literature, and a
+  charming mother who wanders in fields of Victorian romance, breaks off
+  her engagement with a civil servant who has more taste than talent for
+  letters, and chooses instead a man slightly below her in social position,
+  but with firmness and decision of character and genuine skill
+  in&mdash;what? Ironmongery? No, literature. All through the book I found
+  myself wondering whether a mind so finely tempered as <i>Katharine's</i>,
+  a perception so acute, was really fitted for anything so commonplace as,
+  after all, love is. And I longed for the authoress, who explained every
+  mood so amazingly well, to explain this too.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mrs. <font class="sc">Norris</font> is evidently a specialist in
+  unconventional situations. In her last novel her theme was the intrigue
+  between a man and his step-mother. In <i>Sisters</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Murray</font>) it is the passion of a man for his living
+  wife's married sister, and in neither case does the author seem to be
+  conscious of anything out of the ordinary. Not that there is any air of
+  naughtiness about the business. <i>Peter</i>, a rich cripple, loved
+  <i>Cherry</i>, the youngest and prettiest of the three <i>Strickland</i>
+  girls. But <i>Martin</i>, a casual impecunious stranger, stepped in and
+  took her in one bite before <i>Peter</i> could quite realise she was no
+  longer a child. So in default he married <i>Alix</i>, who was,
+  incidentally, worth six of her. Meeting his <i>Cherry</i>, disillusioned
+  about an unsatisfactory and unsuccessful <i>Martin</i>, he reaches out
+  his hand for this forbidden fruit. Whereupon <i>Alix</i>, the selfless,
+  drives herself and <i>Martin</i> over a cliff by way of making things
+  smooth for <i>Peter</i> and <i>Cherry</i>, which was inconsiderate, if
+  resourceful; for, while <i>Alix</i> is happily killed, poor <i>Martin</i>
+  only breaks his back, so that all may end with the balance on the credit
+  side of the Recording Angel's ledger with <i>Cherry</i> nursing her
+  hopeless invalid. An unlikely story, pleasantly and competently told.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>My appreciation of <i>The Ancient Allan</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Cassell</font>) may be measured by my keen disappointment on
+  finding that the concluding pages of the book were absent in the copy
+  vouchsafed to me, and that (apparently) in their place a double dose of
+  pages 279-294 was offered. Nevertheless I can safely assert that you will
+  find this a yarn worth reading, for here Sir <font class="sc">Rider
+  Haggard</font> is in as good form as ever he was, when both he and
+  <i>Allan Quatermain</i> were younger. <i>Lady Ragnall</i>, who is an old
+  friend to readers of <i>The Ivory Child</i>, reappears here, having in
+  her possession a mysterious and potent herb, which she persuades
+  <i>Allan</i> to inhale. Then the fun takes on a great liveliness.
+  <i>Allan</i> is wafted back to the days when Egypt was under the
+  domination of the Persians, and he in his ancient existence performed
+  some of the very doughtiest of deeds. No one living can tell such a tale
+  with a greater dexterity and zest than Sir <font class="sc">Rider</font>.
+  And at that I will leave it, with one more regret that I was not allowed
+  to be present when <i>Allan</i> recovered from the effects of Taduki (the
+  herb that did it).</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I find that when the medicine of thought is wrapped up in the jam of
+  fiction I generally take both more willingly than either alone. But if my
+  author, holding out the spoonful, protests that the jam isn't jam at all
+  but part of the dose, then my mouth does not open with quite its usual
+  happy confidence. Miss W.M. <font class="sc">Letts</font> has said
+  something of the sort about her great little book, <i>Corporal's
+  Corner</i> (<font class="sc">Wells, Gardner, Darton</font>), and I wish
+  she hadn't. It is cast in the form of letters written by a soldier in
+  hospital to a nurse who has been good to him and whose lover has been
+  killed at the Front. Miss Letts introduces it with a foreword which
+  conveys the impression that a real <i>Corporal Jack</i> wrote these
+  letters to a real nurse; but the letters themselves convince&mdash;or
+  very nearly convince&mdash;me that the foreword itself is a mere device
+  of authorship, and one which defeats its own intention of adding weight
+  to the wise and tender and often humorous things the writer has to say.
+  From his own death-bed <i>Corporal Jack</i>, together with his own
+  love-story and that of his chum <i>Mac</i>, writes what he can of comfort
+  to his friend, and whether his hand or Miss <font
+  class="sc">Letts's</font> held the pen the book is the work of someone
+  who knows all about sorrow, and only the initiated&mdash;who must be many
+  for a decade to come&mdash;will know quite how well it is done.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Of the late Mr. <font class="sc">Noel Ross</font>, who, to the
+  infinite loss of British journalism, died at the early age of
+  twenty-seven, Mr. Punch cannot trust himself to speak with the cold
+  detachment of the critic. He saw life with the clear eye of happy youth
+  and set it down with the easy pen of a ready writer. Coming from New
+  Zealand, through the War, to England, his natural talents were at once
+  recognised, and he won a position for himself on the staff of <i>The
+  Times</i>. In the leisure moments spared from the service of the Old Lady
+  of Printing House Square, he would crack a jest, now and then, with the
+  Old Sage of Bouverie Street. Mr. <font class="sc">Edwin Arnold</font> now
+  publishes a collection of his writings under the title, <i>Noel Ross and
+  His Work</i>, and Mr. Punch confines himself to commending the volume to
+  his readers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/171.png"><img width="100%" src="images/171.png"
+      alt="SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST." /></a>
+    SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST.
+
+    <p class="center"><font class="sc">Sir Isaac Newton's Apple.</font></p>
+  </div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, March 3rd, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1995 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 3rd, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 3rd, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 20, 2005 [EBook #16563]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+March 3rd, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A lunatic who recently escaped from an asylum was eventually recaptured in
+a large dancing-hall in the West-End. The fact that he was waltzing
+divinely and keeping perfect time with the music aroused the other dancers'
+suspicions and led to his recapture.
+
+* * *
+
+The latest type of Tank, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL informed the House of
+Commons, weighs thirty tons and can pass over a brick without crushing it.
+It is said to be modelled on the Profiteering Act.
+
+* * *
+
+The proposal of the HOME SECRETARY to add fifty per cent. to taxi-cab fares
+and abolish the initial charge of sixpence is said to find favour both with
+owners and drivers. The men in particular have always chafed at the
+necessity of messing about with small silver.
+
+* * *
+
+Much sympathy is felt locally for the man who in the excitement caused by
+the declaration of the poll at Paisley lost his corkscrew.
+
+* * *
+
+"The ex-Kaiser was responsible for the War," says the _Koelnische Zeitung_.
+Our Hush-hush Department seems to have grown very lax of late.
+
+* * *
+
+A welcome case of judicial sympathy is reported from West London. It
+appears that a Society lady charged with shop-lifting pleaded that she was
+the sole support of two kennel-ridden poodles, and was immediately
+discharged.
+
+* * *
+
+The Press reports the existence of miles and miles of war-material in huge
+dumps near Calais and Boulogne. War Office officials, we hear, are greatly
+relieved, as they have been trying for several months to remember where
+they had left the stuff.
+
+* * *
+
+A lady with small capital would like to meet another similarly situated,
+with a view to the joint purchase of a reel of thread.
+
+* * *
+
+At Jerusalem a tree has been uprooted whose fall is locally believed to
+presage the destruction of the Turkish Empire. It is only fair to the tree
+to point out that if it had known of this it would probably, like the
+Government, have changed its mind at the last minute.
+
+* * *
+
+"One of the problems of civilized humanity," says a writer in _The Daily
+Mail_, "is the avoidance of pain-producing elements in ordinary diet."
+Nowadays it is impossible to eat even so simple a thing as a boiled egg in
+a restaurant without the risk of being stung.
+
+* * *
+
+The identity of the gentleman who, under the initials "A.G.," recently
+advertised in the Press for the thyroid gland of _Proteus diplomaticus_
+remains unrevealed.
+
+* * *
+
+It appears that the Government have undertaken not to engage in any more
+war with the Bolshevists, if they, for their part, will endeavour to quell
+the peace which is still raging.
+
+* * *
+
+"Englishmen will never forget America," says a Service paper. For ourselves
+we had hoped that the American bacon affair was closed.
+
+* * *
+
+A burglar broke into a barrister's chambers in the Temple last week. We
+understand that he got away without having any money taken off him.
+
+* * *
+
+A woman who said she had had six husbands asked a London magistrate to
+grant her a separation. It is supposed that she is breaking up her
+collection.
+
+* * *
+
+Owing to the thick fog experienced in London, last week several daylight
+hold-ups were unavoidably postponed.
+
+* * *
+
+With the present fashion in ladies' wear many owners of beautiful brooches
+are in the unhappy position of having nothing to attach them to.
+
+* * *
+
+In order to raise funds for the building of a new church-porch in a
+Birmingham parish a member of the committee suggested the sale of small
+flags in the street. Struck by the originality of this novel idea the
+chairman agreed to go into the matter in order to see if it was
+practicable.
+
+* * *
+
+A farmer writing from Bridgnorth, Salop, to a daily paper states that he
+has a tame fox which guards the house at night and shepherds the sheep by
+day. We understand that the Dogs' Trade Union takes a serious view of the
+whole matter, but is not without hope of being able to avert a strike.
+
+* * *
+
+The real value of co-operation was illustrated the other day on the
+Underground Railway when a lady complained that a straphanger was standing
+on her foot. Word was immediately passed down the carriage, with the result
+that by a combined swaying movement in one direction the offender was
+enabled to remove his foot.
+
+* * *
+
+It is estimated that three hundred and forty thousand persons made fortunes
+out of the War. Of these it is only fair to say that the number who
+actually encouraged the War to happen are few. The vast majority simply
+allowed it to come along and do its worst.
+
+* * *
+
+The Corporation of London made L18 on the sale of waste paper in the year
+1919-1920, as compared with over L9000 in the year 1918-1919. It looks as
+if in the last-named year the Corporation was in communication with a
+Government Department.
+
+* * *
+
+"Why will not Scotsmen eat eels?" asks _The Manchester Guardian_. We cannot
+say, but we have always understood that the attitude is reciprocal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY--ER--HATS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POST-WAR HERO.
+
+  It was a stainless patriot, who could not bear to fight
+  For England the oppressor, or own that she was right;
+  But when the War was over, to show his martial breed,
+  He shot down three policemen and made a woman bleed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAISLEY TO THE RESCUE OF THE COALITION.
+
+(_The PRIME MINISTER to Mr. ASQUITH_)
+
+  Welcome, for Old Long Since's sake,
+    Home to your ancient seat!
+  It needed only this to make
+    My cup of joy complete;
+  The weary waiting time is past;
+    The yawning vacuum is mended;
+  And here we have you back at last--
+    Oh, HERBERT, this is splendid!
+
+  As one whose wisdom overflows
+    With human nature's lore,
+  You know they make the keenest foes
+    Who have been friends before;
+  We loved as only Liberals do
+    Until their rival sabres rattle
+  And Greek joins Greek (like me and you)--
+    Then is the tug of battle.
+
+  As an old Parliamentary hand
+    Familiar with the ropes,
+  Those perils you will understand
+    With which a Premier copes
+  Whose big battalions run to seed,
+    Having indulged a taste for slacking,
+  And let their muscles moult for need
+    Of foemen worth the whacking.
+
+  Such was my case. By habit's use
+    They still obeyed the whip,
+  But loyal zeal grew limp and loose
+    And things were left to rip;
+  I had no hope to stay the rot
+    And fortify their old affections
+  (Save for the stimulus they got
+    From losing by-elections).
+
+  Daily I took, to keep me fit,
+    My tonic in _The Times_;
+  Daily recovered tone and grit
+    Reading about my crimes;
+  But one strong foe is what we lack
+    To put us on our best behaviour;
+  That's why in you I welcome back
+    The Coalition's saviour.
+
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUCTION IN THE SPACIOUS TIMES.
+
+"It is Our Royal pleasure to will and declare one diamond," said the VIRGIN
+QUEEN, when the Keeper of the Privy Purse had arranged her hand for her.
+Sir WALTER RALEIGH, who sat on her left, was on his feet in a twinkling.
+"Like to like, 'twas ever thus," he murmured, bowing low to his Sovereign.
+"I crave leave to call two humble clubs, as becometh so mean a subject of
+Your Majesty," It is not known whether his allusion to the QUEEN'S call was
+intended to refer to the diamond rings upon HER MAJESTY'S fingers or to the
+scintillating glint in HER MAJESTY'S eyes, but she inclined her head
+graciously in acknowledgment of his remarks before turning to her partner.
+
+"What say you, my Lord of LEICESTER?" she asked. "Wilt support a poor weak
+woman?" His Lordship, however, looked down his noble nose and said nothing
+for quite a long time. He found himself, to use a vulgar phrase, in the
+_consomme_. His hand contained the ace, king and six other spades, nothing
+to write home about in hearts or clubs, and one small diamond. To take from
+his partner the right to play the hand would be the act of a fool--the mere
+thought made him raise a hand to his neck as though to assure himself of
+its continuity. Even failure to support her call would be looked on as
+ungallant, if nothing worse.
+
+"How now, sirrah? Art sleeping in Our presence?" prompted the QUEEN
+sharply.
+
+The EARL swallowed noisily once or twice, just to show that he was awake,
+and then plunged.
+
+"An it please you, Madam, two diamonds," he muttered, with but a sorry show
+of his habitual arrogance.
+
+"Double!" said Sir FRANCIS DRAKE in crisp seamanlike tones, whereat the
+Earl of LEICESTER was seen to fumble for the hilt of his rapier.
+
+"Stay, my Lord," his liege commanded; "'tis true the Knight hath left his
+manners in Devonshire, or on the Spanish main mayhap, but keep your brawl
+for an hour and place more fitting. We redouble."
+
+A momentary silence followed the QUEEN'S discourse, cut short by the
+uncouth ejaculation "'Ods fish!" which escaped from Sir FRANCIS apparently
+without his consent. He embarked on an apology at once, based on the fact
+that he was but an honest sailor; but, meeting with no encouragement, he
+gave it up and fell to sucking his teeth.
+
+Sir WALTER meanwhile made good use of the interval to perfect a flower of
+speech signifying, in a manner worthy a courtier of his reputation, that he
+was content. His effort drew from the QUEEN a glance as nearly approaching
+the "glad eye" as any that august spinster was ever known to dispense. The
+Laird of Kenilworth announced that he also was content; but historians
+should accept the statement with reserve. Sir FRANCIS either wasn't sure
+whether the rules of the game allowed him to double again, or else had just
+enough tact not to do so. The game then proceeded.
+
+Sir WALTER led the ace of clubs. The appearance of the noble lord's
+solitary little diamond, as he laid down his hand, was greeted by a loud
+hiccough from the old salt, and the QUEEN herself was only saved from
+swooning by the timely administrations of a page with a flask of sal-
+volatile.
+
+When, fourth in hand, she trumped the honest sailor's ace, her partner had
+the hardihood to make conventional inquiry as to whether she had any clubs.
+HER MAJESTY uttered in reply the one dreadful word, "Treason," thus
+avoiding with true statesmanship any direct answer to the question, and
+indicating clearly her opinion of his two-diamond call. The Keeper of the
+Privy Purse shot out a lean hand and gathered in the trick.
+
+With the help of the ace of spades in dummy, the ace of hearts in her own
+hand, and a discriminating use of her Royal prerogative in the matter of
+following suit, all went well until the odd trick had been won. After that,
+however, Sir FRANCIS, who had not doubled without good reason, proceeded to
+deal out six diamonds, led by the ace, king and queen. His partner unwisely
+allowed his feelings to get the better of him. "As WILL SHAKSPEARE hath
+it," he observed with unction, "'now is the winter of our discontent made
+glorious summer--'" but stopped on a sudden, with ears and scalp twitching
+horribly.
+
+"Ho without! Summon the guard!" roared the last of the Tudors, and
+immediately an N.C.O. and six private beef-eaters appeared on the scene.
+"Convey Our compliments to the Governor of the Tower," she continued,
+addressing the N.C.O., "and bid him confine the Earl of LEICESTER during
+Our pleasure. My Lord," she added, turning to her luckless partner, "'twere
+well, methinks, you should have leisure in which to reflect on the folly of
+trifling with a woman."
+
+It is greatly to the EARL'S credit that at this point he made strenuous
+endeavours to surrender his sword in accordance with the drill-book, but as
+it refused to come out of its scabbard he was obliged to unbutton the frog
+from his belt and hand over the weapon complete with leather gear. This
+formality achieved, he was led away to durance vile.
+
+Sir FRANCIS, poor fellow, fared scarcely better than the Earl. "Begone to
+sea, Sir Knight," hissed the QUEEN; "mayhap the Dons will teach you more
+becoming manners. Begone, I say, and look to 't your ships return not
+empty, else shall you not receive payment of your winnings."
+
+Sir FRANCIS went.
+
+A glance at the pitiable condition of Sir WALTER caused HER MAJESTY'S heart
+to soften somewhat. "Come, Sir," she cooed, "an arm, prithee, and We will
+seek a place where you may read to Us the mummings of this strange bard,
+WILL SHAKSPEARE."
+
+Sir WALTER at once regained control of his nerve-centres and escorted HER
+MAJESTY from the painful scene.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ELUSIVE PEST.
+
+JOHN BULL. "GOT HIM!"
+
+THE PROFITEER. "I DON'T THINK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Patient._ "AND YOU REALLY THINK THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH
+MY EYESIGHT?"
+
+_Oculist._ "NOTHING AT ALL. PERFECTLY NORMAL."
+
+_Patient._ "AH, THEN IT MUST BE THE WAY I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY PUTTER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEORGE AND THE COW-DRAGON.
+
+The "rockerty-tockerty-tock" refrain of the carriage-wheels below me
+changed into a jarring whine as the train came to a full stop. I looked out
+on a dim-lit platform which seemed to be peopled only by a squad of
+milk-cans standing shoulder to shoulder like Noah's Ark soldiers.
+
+As the engine shrieked and plunged into its collar again the door was
+jerked open and a man projected himself into the carriage and, opening the
+window so that the compartment was flooded with cold air, leaned out and
+resumed his conversation with a friend till the train bore him out of
+shouting range. He then pulled up the window, trod on my foot, sat on my
+lap and eventually came to rest on the seat opposite me.
+
+It was a small man, red of head and bright of eye. He wore his cap at the
+back of his head, so as to exhibit to an admiring world a carefully-
+cultured curl of the "quiff" variety, which was plastered across his
+forehead with a great expenditure of grease. His tie was a ready-made bow
+of shot-colours, red, green, blue and purple, and from his glittering
+watch-chain hung many fanciful medals, like soles upon a line.
+
+"Brother-in-law to me," he remarked, jerking his thumb towards the
+back-rushing lights of Exeter.
+
+"Who?" I inquired.
+
+"That young feller I was talking to just now. Didn't you see me talking to
+a young feller?"
+
+"Oh, yes, I believe I did hear you talking to somebody."
+
+"Well, him. Married a sister to me, so he's my brother-in-law, ain't he?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"Well, you're wrong then. He's only a half-brother-in-law, because she is
+only a half-sister to me, her ma marrying my old man. Understand?"
+
+I said I did and pulled up my rug as a signal that I was going to sleep and
+the conversation was at an end.
+
+"Anyhow, whatever he is, he's good enough for her."
+
+I remarked that that was most satisfactory and closed my eyes.
+
+He drew out a yellow packet of cigarettes, selected one and held them in my
+direction. I declined and again closed my eyes.
+
+"Very good, please yourself, it's one more for little Willie. All I can say
+is that you're foolish not taking a good fag when it don't cost you
+nothing. You don't catch me refusing a free fag even when I don't want to
+smoke. I takes it and puts it in my cap for when I do. Pounds I've saved
+that way, pounds and pounds."
+
+He lit his limp tube of paper and mystery, stamped out the match and spat
+deliberately on the floor.
+
+"See me do that?"
+
+I nodded with as much disgust as I could contrive.
+
+"Know what them notices say I can get for that? Fined or imprisoned."
+
+He paused for me to marvel at his daring.
+
+"Think I'm mad to take risks like that, don't cher? Well, I aren't neither.
+They couldn't catch me out, not they."
+
+He brushed some ash off his lap on to mine and winked sagely.
+
+"Suppose the guard was to come in here and start fining and imprisoning me
+for it, do you know what I'd do? I'd swear _you_ did it."
+
+"But I should deny it," I retorted hotly.
+
+"Of course you would, old chum, and I shouldn't blame you neither, but you
+wouldn't stand no chance against me"--he leaned forward and tapped me on
+the knee as though to emphasize his words--"_I could lie your life away_."
+
+He sank back in his seat, his face aglow with conscious superiority. The
+clamour of the wheels increased as if they were live things burning with
+the fever of some bloodthirsty hunt.
+
+"Firing her up," said the red man; "always racing time, these passenger
+wagons. It's a dog's life and no blooming error." He prodded my foot with
+his. "I said 'it's a dog's life and no error.'"
+
+"What is?" I growled.
+
+"Engine-driving, of course. I'm on the road myself. Goods-pushing just now,
+but I've been on the expresses off and on, though it don't suit me--too
+much flaring hurry."
+
+He rattled off into technicalities of his trade, embroidered with tales of
+hair-bristling adventures and escapes.
+
+"Yes, old chum, there's more in our trade than what most fat-headed
+passengers thinks. As long as an accident don't occur they don't know what
+trouble we've been to avoiding of it. I've a good mind to give 'em a
+smash-up now and again just to teach 'em gratitood. F'instance, me and me
+mate was running a local down Ilfracombe way last week when what d'you
+think we runned into?"
+
+"Ilfracombe?" I hazarded sleepily.
+
+"An old cow! Now what d' you think of that?"
+
+"It was so much the worse for the coo," I quoted.
+
+"What say?"
+
+"It was so much the worse for the cow."
+
+"Worse for the cow?"
+
+"So GEORGE STEPHENSON said, and he invented the locomotive and ought to
+know, you'll admit."
+
+The little man stared at me, his mouth open; for once he seemed bereft of
+words. We had slowed to a momentary stop, in a small station and pulled out
+again before he regained control of his tongue, then he broke loose.
+
+"No, I don't admit it neither. I don't care if your friend George invented
+the moon, he talks like a fool, and you can tell him so from me."
+
+"I can't, unfortunately; he's--"
+
+"A chap that talks disrespectful and ignorant of cows like that didn't
+oughter be allowed to live. A cow is one of the worstest things you can run
+up against. I'd rather run into a row of brick houses than one of them
+nasty leathery old devils; and you can hand the information to your chum
+George."
+
+"I tell you I can't; he's--"
+
+"Ask any driver or fireman on the road, and if he don't slip you one with a
+shovel for your withering ignorance he'll tell you just what I'm telling
+you now. Yes, you and your funny friend."
+
+"Look here, GEORGE STEPHENSON has been--"
+
+"Let your funny friend try running into a cow just for 'speriment. Just let
+him try it once. They tangle up in your bogies, all slippery bones and
+hide, slither along with you a yard or two, and the next thing you know is
+you're over an embankment and your widder is putting in for insurance. Tell
+your pal George from me."
+
+The brakes ground on and the lights of a station flickered past the
+windows.
+
+"My gosh!" exclaimed the red-headed man, springing to his feet, "this is
+Cullumpton, and I ought to have got out at the station before." He wrestled
+with the door-handle. "And it's all through sitting here listening to your
+everlasting damfool chatter about you and your friend George."
+
+"Who died forty years before I was born," said I. "Good night."
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Robinson._ "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU CHAPS STARTED TO DO
+SOMETHING. HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY."
+
+_Mendicant._ "YOU ARE MISTAKEN, SIR. I LOST THREE WIVES THROUGH IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WIZARDS: KLINGSOR AND ANOTHER.
+
+"Another _Parsifal_ ought to be written from the angle of Klingsor, who was
+an enlightened Arabian, physician, scientist and probably Aristotelian....
+The Knights, and Wagner with them, call him a wizard, which was a crude
+mediaeval way of 'slanging' any man who preferred knowledge to
+superstition."
+
+This remarkable utterance by the musical critic of _The Daily Mail_ in the
+issue of February 25th has created a sensation in the political world fully
+equal to that caused by the announcement of Mr. ASQUITH'S return for
+Paisley. Scientific and artistic circles have also been deeply moved.
+
+Sir PHILIP SASSOON, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S new secretary, interviewed by our
+representative, said that the tribute to his chief was all the more welcome
+considering its source. His only criticism was that, instead of calling the
+charge of wizardry a "crude mediaeval" mode of invective, he should prefer
+to style it an ultra-modern application of the art of obloquy.
+
+Sir OLIVER LODGE, in a wireless message from New York, entirely approved of
+_The Daily Mail's_ reading of KLINGSOR'S character. He was clearly a
+scientist and a spiritualist of remarkable attainments. The defection of
+_Kundry_ to the side of the Knights was a sad instance--but not without
+modern parallels--of the unrelenting pressure exerted on weak women by the
+zealots of orthodoxy.
+
+Mr. A.B. WALKLEY said that he had long suspected KLINGSOR of being a
+crypto-Aristotelian, but the arguments of the writer in _The Daily Mail_
+had converted his suspicion to a certainty. He proposed to deal with the
+matter more fully in an imaginary dialogue between KLINGSOR and Sir OSWALD
+STOLL (who was a devout follower of HERBERT SPENCER) which would shortly
+appear in _The Times_.
+
+Mr. DEVANT professed himself delighted with the vindication of KLINGSOR,
+who was undoubtedly, like ROGER BACON, a first-rate conjurer, far in
+advance of his time, and with limited resources was yet capable of
+producing illusions which would not have disgraced the stage of St.
+George's Hall.
+
+The Archbishop of CANTERBURY excused himself from pronouncing a definite
+opinion on the subject, but pointed out that it would doubtless come within
+the purview of the inquiry into Spiritualism undertaken by high clerical
+authority.
+
+Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN made the gratifying announcement that he was engaged on a
+colossal statue of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the character of the modern
+_Merlin_. His treatment might not commend itself to the leaders of
+Nonconformity in Wales, but his own artistic conscience was clear, and he
+felt he could count on the benevolent sympathy of the Northcliffe Press.
+
+The Editor of _The Times_ strongly demurred to the statement that KLINGSOR
+was an Arabian. The great authority on KLINGSOR was the anonymous
+thirteenth-century epic poem on _Lohengrin_, the father of _Parsifal_, and
+he had no doubt (1) that the author was either a Czecho-Slovak or a
+Yugo-Slav; (2) that KLINGSOR, as the etymology suggested, was of the latter
+race. In these circumstances the attempt to establish an affinity between
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and KLINGSOR was nothing short of an outrage, which might
+have disastrous results on our relations with the new States of Central
+Europe.
+
+Mr. J. MAYNARD KEYNES observed that the characterisation of Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE, implicit in the defence of KLINGSOR made by the musical critic of
+_The Daily Mail_, indirectly confirmed his own impressions. It was true
+that the PREMIER did not physically resemble an Arab sheikh, and his
+knowledge of medicine, science or philosophy, to say nothing of geography,
+was decidedly jejune, but the sad case of President WILSON made it all too
+clear that he was capable of exerting a hypnotic influence on his
+colleagues. Mr. KEYNES did not think Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was an Aristotelian;
+he preferred to consider him an unconscious Pragmatist. This view he
+proposed to develop in his forthcoming volume on the Subliminal Conscience
+of Nonconformity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO JAMES (MULE) WHO HAS PLAYED ME FALSE.
+
+[Many mules are appearing upon the streets of London and are showing an
+extraordinary and unexpected docility amidst the traffic.]
+
+  James, when I note your air supremely docile,
+    Your well-fed look of undisturbed content
+  (Doubtless you find this land an adipose isle
+    After lean times on active service spent),
+  I do not join with those who hymn your praises
+    For calmness mid the turmoil of the town;
+  I find myself consigning you to blazes--
+        James, you have let me down.
+
+  For I am one who, after having striven,
+    A hero (_vide_ Press) though far from bold,
+  Has come back home and, naturally, given
+    Artistic touches to the tales he's told;
+  The Transport was my scene of martial labours;
+    That was the section where I saw it through;
+  And I have told astonished friends and neighbours
+        Some lurid yarns of you.
+
+  You are the theme I have been wont to brag on;
+    I've told how you, my now innocuous moke,
+  Would chew the tail-board off a G.S. wagon
+    By way of mere _plaisanterie_ (or joke);
+  Dubbed you most diabolical of ragers,
+    A rampant hooligan, a fetid tough,
+  A thing without respect for sergeant-majors--
+        That is to say, hot stuff.
+
+  Full many a fair young thing I've seen displaying
+    A sympathetic pallor on her cheek
+  And wonder in her eye, when I've been saying
+    How almost every day in Salonique
+  You jazzed with me on brinks of precipices;
+    But when I talk to-day they cannot fail
+  To think of you in town and murmur, "This is
+        A likely sort of tale."
+
+  To take, without one thought of evil plotting,
+    Even without one last protesting kick,
+  Thus kindly to somnambulistic trotting--
+    Oh, James, old pal, it was a dirty trick;
+  To show the yarns I'd told of you and written
+    (In letters home) were not entirely swank
+  At very least, I think, you might have bitten
+        The policeman at the Bank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOAT RACE "INTELLIGENCE."
+
+"The Oxford University crew arrived at Henley yesterday for a week's
+practice. The Cambridge president, Mr. E.A. Berrisford, accompanied the
+crew as spare man."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Government, said Mr. Bonar Law, had not received any intimation
+    from the Netherlands Government that Holland had decided to keep the
+    ex-Kaiser in Curacoa."--_Evening Standard._
+
+Good news for Mr. PUSSYFOOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ESSEX and SUSSEX BORDERS.--To be Let, well-built Mansion, surrounded
+    by fine gardens, situate in one of the finest parts of this delightful
+    country."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But it must be rather a nuisance to cross the Thames every time you want to
+go from the Essex to the Sussex wing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+TYPICAL COSTUME FOR AN EARNEST WORKER IN THE CAUSE OF CHARITY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+THE RAGE EXHIBITED BY AN AUTHOR WHILE HAVING ONE OF HIS NOVELS FILMED IS
+UTILISED BY THE INTELLIGENT MANAGER OF THE FILM COMPANY FOR A NEW
+"THREE-REEL COMIC," ENTITLED "HOW AUTHORS WORK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUZANNE'S BANKING ACCOUNT.
+
+"These want paying," said Suzanne as she bounced into my nominally sacred
+den at a strictly prohibited hour. Therewith she thrust a _dossier_ of
+tradesmen's bills into my feebly-resisting hands, and bang went an idea I
+had been tenderly nursing since breakfast.
+
+"But I can't spend the rest of the morning writing cheques," I protested.
+"I'm engaged just now on a most important article."
+
+"With your eyes shut," commented Suzanne, stooping to a grossly unfair
+insinuation. "I must tell Cook to make the breakfast coffee stronger in
+future; then you might manage to--"
+
+"Look here, Suzanne, you've been married to me long enough to know my
+methods of work. I can't begin an article until I've got the whole thing
+shaped in my mind, and to do that I must shut out everything else."
+
+"Especially your wife, I suppose. Well, I won't stay. You've got all the
+bills there; but don't start writing the cheques till you've got them well
+shaped in your mind."
+
+"But what on earth does all this mass of accounting literature represent?"
+I asked.
+
+"For the benefit of new readers a synopsis is attached," said Suzanne.
+"They're mostly small items; for instance, Madame Pillby--she's the little
+dressmaker round the corner, you know; though why an all-British spinster
+should call herself 'Madame' I can't imagine--five-and-fourpence-ha'penny."
+
+"Suzanne; I will _not_ write a cheque for five-and-fourpence-ha'penny! Are
+they all like that?"
+
+"The biggest is two guineas; that's what it cost to have my last dance-hat
+altered to your specifications, because you said it tickled your nose.
+There are seventeen of them in all--bills, not hats; total, twelve pounds
+fifteen shillings and elevenpence three farthings, pa-pa."
+
+"I'll tell you what I'm going to do," I said. "I'm going to advertise in
+the Personal Columns of the papers that I will not be responsible for
+payment of any debts incurred by my wife under the sum of one pound.
+That'll stop this half-crown cheque nuisance. Why don't you go out and buy
+yourself a packet of assorted postal-orders?"
+
+"I did once; but I got in with a nice long list just before closing-time,
+and there was very nearly a riot on both sides of the counter."
+
+"Well, anyhow, this sort of thing has got to stop; I can't waste all the
+morning settling your miserable little bills. What we'll do is this: you
+shall have your own banking-account, and in future you can write your own
+cheques--as long as the Bank will stick it."
+
+"Oh, how perfectly splendid!" cried Suzanne. "I've always wanted to have a
+cheque-book of my own, but Father thought it unsexing. Do let's go and take
+out the licence at once."
+
+The precious hour of fertilisation was already wasted, so there and then I
+escorted Suzanne to the Bank. At my demand we were ushered into the
+Manager's room, where we were received with a courtesy only too obviously
+tempered by the suspicion that I had come to suggest an overdraft. On my
+explaining our errand, however, the Manager's features relaxed their
+tenseness, and as I wrote the cheque that brought Suzanne's account into a
+sordid world he even attempted a vein of fatherly benediction.
+
+"Now we shall require a specimen of the lady's signature," he said as he
+produced an amazingly obese ledger and indicated where Suzanne was to sign
+her name. "Remove the glove, please," he added hastily.
+
+"Just like old times in the vestry," said Suzanne to me in a whisper. Then
+she wrote her name--"Suzanne Desiree Beverley Trumpington-Jones"--all of
+it. By the time she had finished she had trespassed into several columns
+reserved for entirely different uses. The Manager surveyed the effect with
+consternation.
+
+"Rather a long name, isn't it?" he asked diffidently. "I was only wondering
+if our cheque-forms would accommodate it all."
+
+"Well, I'm not really responsible for it all," she replied. "The
+Trumpington-Jones part is the more or less permanent result of a serious
+accident when I was little more than a child. But I might shorten it a bit.
+I sometimes answer to the name of Soozles, but I suppose that would only do
+for really intimate cheques. How would 'S. Beverley T.-Jones' do? I
+shouldn't like to lose the 'Beverley' as it's a kind of family heirloom,
+and I always use it, even when I'm writing to the sweep."
+
+I edged away to the window and left them to settle the signature question
+among themselves.
+
+"And what kind of cheques would you like--'Order' or 'Bearer'?" I next
+heard the Manager asking.
+
+"Show me some patterns, please," commanded Suzanne.
+
+On the wall was a frame containing a number of different cheque varieties,
+to which her attention was directed.
+
+"Haven't you any other colours?" she asked. "I thought a black-and-yellow
+cheque would be rather becoming; but don't bother about it if it's not in
+stock."
+
+She ended by taking one book of blue and one of purple cheques, and with
+these and a paying-in-book (which she said would do so nicely for spills)
+we at last departed. From behind the closed door of the private office I
+distinctly heard a prolonged sigh of relief.
+
+A few days later I came upon Suzanne sitting at her writing-table and
+examining a cheque with a mystified air.
+
+"Anything wrong?" I asked.
+
+"I don't quite know," she replied. "I sent Angela this cheque the other day
+to pay for my ticket for the Law-Courts' Revel, and she says the Bank
+people have returned it to her. And it's marked 'R.D.' in red ink. Who is
+'R.D.'?"
+
+"He's the gentleman who censors cheques; and he has a way of disqualifying
+them when there's not enough cash to pay them. Suzanne, what have you done
+with all that money I paid into your account last Monday?"
+
+"But I've only paid those footling little bills. There must be tons of
+money left, unless the Bank's been speculating with it."
+
+"Let me have a look at that cheque," I said.
+
+She handed it to me and I examined it carefully.
+
+"I see it's signed 'Thine, Suzanne.'"
+
+"But that's how I always sign myself to Angela," she said; "and the Manager
+distinctly told me to use my customary signature."
+
+"Signature--not signatures," I explained gently. "They're rooted in
+convention at the Bank and can't bear the least approach to variety. And
+what's this scribbled on the back of it?"
+
+"Oh, that's only a note I dashed off to Angela telling her what I was going
+to wear. It seemed such a pity to waste a sheet of notepaper when there was
+all that space to spare."
+
+I gave her a quarter-of-an-hour's lesson in the art of drawing cheques.
+Then I took up the paying-in book which was lying on the table. I knew it
+ought to be in a virgin state as I had added nothing to the entrance money.
+"And what might all these figures portend?" I asked.
+
+"Those? Oh, that's baby's weight-chart. I'm always going to keep it there."
+
+Well, well, if Suzanne looks after the weighing-in I can at least control
+the paying-in. And I left it at that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown._ "WHAT DID THEY GIVE OLD SLOWCOMBE THE O.B.E. FOR?"
+
+_Jones._ "THE 'OTHER BEGGARS' ENERGY,' I IMAGINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fond Parent_ (_who has done pretty well in woollens_).
+"WELL, SONNY, WE'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST EDUCATION THAT MONEY CAN
+BUY. AFTER ALL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT BE A GENTLEMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IF THE ARMY ADVERTISED.
+
+BATTALION ORDERS.
+
+(1) _Duties, Officers._--Orderly Officer for to-morrow: Second-Lieutenant
+W. Jenks.
+
+W. Jenks is prepared to undertake duty for any brother subaltern.
+Terms--one day's pay, plus fifty per cent. for Saturdays or Sundays
+(handsome discount for cash in advance). Sleepless activity. Guards visited
+courteously but firmly. Any unusual occurrence handled with precision and
+despatch. Engage W. Jenks to do your duty, then sign your report with a
+clear conscience. Testimonials from all ranks.
+
+(2) _Parades._--0830 hours and 1130 hours, as per routine.
+
+Hello! Hello!! Hello!!! Come in your hundreds. Amusing and health-giving.
+Bracing barrack-square; magnificent pedestrian exercise. Come and be
+experimented on by Sergt.-Major Whizbang, the great military spellbinder.
+See the Adjutant put Company Commanders through the hoop. Screams of
+laughter at every performance. Best places in the ranks for those who
+arrive early. Twice daily (Sundays excepted) till further notice. Breakfast
+kept for those attending first house.
+
+(3) _Dress, etc., Officers._--Attention is again drawn to recent
+instructions on these matters.
+
+Why invite trouble when the local A.P.M. is simply yearning to advise you
+on points of etiquette? A kindly benevolent man who never forgets that he
+himself was once a regimental officer. He will tell you whether or not you
+may arm your aged grandmother across a busy London street without risking
+your commission. If you favour whiskers, call and see his inimitable museum
+of permissible patterns. Always at your service.
+
+(4) _Musketry._--The next party to fire General Musketry Course will
+proceed on the 2nd prox.
+
+The finest form of outdoor sport (for these who prefer it to any other) is
+shooting. We are making up a little party to proceed to camp next week.
+Will you join us? Sylvan scenery; country air; simple wholesome diet; young
+and cheery society. Cigars or cocoanuts every time you hit the bull's-eye.
+Practice at stray dogs about camp is encouraged. Secure the skin of one of
+these beautifully-marked creatures for your own barrack-room bedside.
+
+(5) _Hair, Length of._--The practice of allowing the hair to grow beyond
+the regulation length must cease.
+
+Why suffer the inconvenience of long hair when our own regimental tonsorial
+artist is waiting to bob it for you free of charge? Luxurious saloon; deft
+workmanship; no tips. His speciality--memento locks. Twelve such souvenirs
+guaranteed from one crop. Bald soldiers supplied to taste from surplus
+clippings. A delicate, lasting and inexpensive compliment to lady friends
+on leaving a station. Start collecting now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNS OF COURT RESERVE CORPS.
+
+A psychical seance of the above disembodied Corps will be held on Friday
+the 26th March, in the Common Room of the Law Society in Chancery Lane (by
+kind permission of the Council), commencing 7.30 P.M.
+
+Astral members desirous of attending should apply to their late Platoon
+Sergeants, or to Mr. H.L. BOLTON, 1, The Sanctuary, Westminster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE EX-CHAMPION.
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "WELCOME BACK! I'VE BEEN WANTING A SPARRING PARTNER TO
+GET ME INTO CONDITION; AND YOU'RE THE VERY MAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 23rd._--The Highland Fling involves, I understand, some
+complicated figures, but it is nothing to the Lowland Reel (COATS'
+variety), on which subject Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES was rather badly heckled
+this afternoon. A suggestion that Messrs. COATS might use the profits of
+their foreign trade to reduce the price to the home consumer drove the
+harassed Minister into an unconscious _mot_. "Suppose," he said, "they cut
+the thread ... where should we be then?"
+
+[Illustration: THE TANK AND THE LITTLE BRICK.
+
+(MR. CHURCHILL AND CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.)
+
+"The tank, weighing thirty tons, is able to pass over a brick lying on the
+road without crushing it. This is a very important point."--_Mr.
+CHURCHILL_.]
+
+Mr. CHARLES PALMER, the well-known _Globe_-trotter, has just completed a
+remarkable journey. Within the space of a few weeks he has traversed the
+distance from the Press Gallery to the Floor of the Chamber, going round by
+the Wrekin. During the last stage of the route the intrepid traveller was
+accompanied by Sir HENRY DALZIEL and Mr. BOTTOMLEY.
+
+In introducing a Vote on Account of the Army for a trifle of seventy-four
+millions the WAR MINISTER proudly announced that Britain and Germany were
+the only countries in the world that had abolished conscription--and
+Germany's action was not exactly voluntary.
+
+Mr. CHURCHILL'S description of a new tank, so fast that it could outstrip a
+foxhound "over a country," so cool that even in the tropics its crew would
+preserve their _sangfroid traditionnel_, and so delicately sprung that it
+could run over a brick without hurting itself--or the brick--momentarily
+encouraged the belief that here was the weapon to make war impossible. But
+almost in the same breath Mr. CHURCHILL stated that simultaneously the War
+Office had invented a rifle grenade which would put the super-tank out of
+action. "As you were!"
+
+Criticism was not entirely disarmed. Mr. DEVLIN of course talked of
+Ireland--"the only country with which the Empire is at war to-day;" and
+little Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN rebuked Mr. CHURCHILL for his unfilial sneer at
+"pious America," and was himself advised "not to develop more indignation
+than he could contain."
+
+_Tuesday, February 24th._--In both Houses the new policy of the Allies in
+regard to Soviet Russia was unfolded. The gist of it is that they will not
+enter into diplomatic relations with the Bolshevist Government until it is
+ready to adopt civilised methods, but in the meantime will heartily
+encourage trade with Russia. It would seem that the practical genius of our
+race has once more discovered a means of indulging sentiment without
+interfering with business.
+
+[Illustration: THE LABOUR LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+_A forecast._
+
+LORD HALDANE.]
+
+Lord BIRKENHEAD (not BROKENHEAD, by the way, as the _Cork Constitution_,
+inadvertently or not, calls him) chaffed LORD HALDANE on his "How Happy
+could I be with Either" attitude between Liberalism and Labour, and advised
+him definitely to be off with the old love and on with the new, in order
+that when Labour came into its own the Woolsack might be adequately filled.
+
+Sir ALFRED MOND did not allow himself to be perturbed by the description of
+certain pictures in the Imperial War Museum as "freaks" and "libels," for
+he had observed "with some astonishment" that most of the art critics had
+pronounced them to be very fine works of art. But when Mr. JEREMIAH
+MACVEAGH asked if some of these pictures were not portraits of Cabinet
+Ministers, "and if so how can they possibly be works of art?" the First
+Commissioner's artistic conscience was stirred, and compelled him to give
+the questioner a little instruction in first principles. "Whether a
+portrait is a work of art depends," he pointed out, "on the artist and not
+on the subject painted."
+
+The evening was devoted to drink. Sir JOHN REES, who urged the abolition of
+all wartime restrictions, would have been more effective, perhaps, if he
+had not striven so hard to be lively. One of his sallies, evoked by the
+impending _debut_ of Lady ASTOR as a Parliamentary orator, was indeed, as
+she observed, "more than polite."
+
+She herself had her moments of gaiety, but was best, I thought, when
+seriously arguing for the continuance of the restrictions on alcohol in the
+special interests of women.
+
+I am afraid, however, that the unregenerate were more intrigued by Mr.
+CARR'S claim that the Carlisle experiment had been a great success--"it was
+the only city in the country in which a man could buy a bottle of whisky to
+take home."
+
+_Wednesday, February 25th._--Question-time in the Commons was dominated by
+the news that Mr. ASQUITH was in for Paisley, and Members were more
+concerned in discussing the effect of his return upon the Government and
+Opposition than in listening to Ministerial replies. Sir DONALD MACLEAN was
+"all smiles" over his approaching release from the responsibilities of
+leadership; but Mr. HOGGE, I thought, looked rather like _Mrs. Gummidge_
+when "thinking of the old 'un."
+
+A nod from Mr. MACPHERSON and the Government of Ireland Bill was formally
+and silently introduced--strange contrast to the long debates and exciting
+scenes that attended the birth of the Bill's three predecessors in 1886,
+1893 and 1912.
+
+Sir ROBERT HORNE explained with his usual clarity and persuasiveness the
+new Unemployment Insurance Bill. The debate on it was interrupted to allow
+the discussion of a motion by Sir J. REMNANT advocating the increase of
+police pensions to meet the present cost of living. The police are, with
+good reason, very popular with the House. In vain the HOME SECRETARY
+pointed out that the Government even in this cause did not feel justified
+in "out-running the constable." Forgetting all their recent zeal for
+economy Members trooped into the Bobbies' Lobby and beat the Government by
+123 to 57.
+
+[Illustration: "Whether a portrait is a work of art depends on the artist
+and not on the subject painted."--_Sir A. MOND on the Imperial War Museum
+Pictures_.]
+
+The idea that Irishmen, however much they may dislike British rule, never
+miss an opportunity of raiding the British Treasury, has received a rude
+shock. Captain REDMOND, inquiring about the allocation of a sum of a
+quarter-of-a-million for reconstruction in Ireland, was surprised to learn
+that ten thousand pounds had been allotted to his own constituency, but not
+claimed. Mr. DEVLIN supplied the key to the mystery: "The reason it was not
+asked for was because we did not know it was there."
+
+I learn from _Who's Who?_ that the recreations of Sir ALFRED MOND include
+"golf, motoring and all forms of sport." It must have been with keen
+regret, therefore, that he felt himself compelled to refuse facilities for
+cricket in Hyde Park, owing to the risk to the public. Viscount CURZON
+asked if cricket was more dangerous than inflammatory speeches. But the
+FIRST COMMISSIONER, speaking no doubt from personal experience, expressed
+the view that there was considerably more danger from a cricket-ball.
+
+The Opposition had rather bad luck on the Constantinople debate. If they
+had waited till Monday, as originally arranged, they could have trained
+their big gun from Paisley on to the Government entrenchments. Through
+insisting on the earliest possible date, they had to content themselves
+with the far lighter artillery of Sir DONALD MACLEAN. Much, however, was
+hoped from Lord ROBERT CECIL, who was believed to be heavily charged with
+high explosives. But before he could come into range up jumped Sir EDWARD
+CARSON, and in a few brief sentences pointed out that until the PRIME
+MINISTER had told them the grounds for the decision to leave the Turk his
+capital, and the conditions under which he was to stay there, the House was
+talking in the air. Members thereupon clamoured for the PRIME MINISTER, who
+accordingly had to make his defence when he had heard only half the
+indictment, and to expend most of the ammunition he had prepared for Lord
+ROBERT, including some remarkable specimens of the "deadly parallel,"
+before receiving his adversary's fire.
+
+That in turn rather upset Lord ROBERT'S plan of campaign, and he was not
+much more destructive than Sir DONALD MACLEAN had been. The House as a
+whole seemed satisfied that the Allies had done their best with a problem
+for which there is no perfect solution, and that there was at least a
+chance that the SULTAN would find the guns of an international fleet
+pointing at his palace windows a strong incentive to good behaviour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER LADY M.P.?
+
+    "Mr. Asquith was accompanied by Mrs. Asquith and the audience singing
+    'He's a jolly good Lady Bonham-Carter.'"--_Scotch Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FANCY BIRD.
+
+When any friend of mine is in trouble I always make a point of writing and
+asking if there is anything I can do. As a rule, there isn't, but it is a
+satisfaction to me to know I have made the offer. When I heard that Filmer
+was leaving his spacious house and grounds at Hampstead, selling half his
+furniture and moving into a third storey flat at Battersea, I wrote at
+once. I received in reply one of his usual barely decipherable scrawls:
+"Yes, old dear, you might find a home for my raven; it's ancient and a bit
+rusty, but lots of life in it yet. I'm parting with all my garden things."
+
+I busied myself about the matter at once. When a man you have known and
+respected for years is driven by high prices and income-tax to vacate a
+beautiful home and asks such a simple thing of you as to find a shelter for
+his bird, you like to do your best. Personally I knew nothing of ravens,
+but I recognized the inadequacy of my garden for the accommodation of a
+bird of any kind, therefore I could not think of taking it. But I had a
+surface acquaintance with the owner of a carriage drive, and I approached
+him without delay. He was cold in his manner and said with so many calls
+upon him he could not see his way to contribute towards the expense of
+Filmer's move, although he had no doubt, from my representation, that it
+was a deserving case.
+
+The misunderstanding arose from my leading up to the object of my visit
+gradually instead of coming to the point at once and asking him to give a
+comfortable home to a raven. When I explained further he unbent and said he
+would think it over.
+
+Later he wrote:--
+
+_Re_ RAVEN.
+
+"DEAR SIR,--I have consulted an authority on this bird and find that its
+bad character has brought about its practical extinction in this country
+save in the mountain fastnesses of Wales and the craggy moors of Yorkshire.
+I also learn that its extended wings measure thirty-six inches on an
+average. I must decline to provide an asylum for such an extensive mass of
+depravity."
+
+I confess I was discouraged and also somewhat shocked. I felt Filmer should
+have enlightened me more on the characteristics of his _protege_. The
+episode taught me to avoid preamble in my next quest for a domicile. Also I
+thought it only right to express myself with absolute frankness. The
+address of a lady with a reputation for a love of animals was given to me,
+and I hastened to call upon her. She answered the door herself.
+
+"Madam," I said, "may I ask you of your kind heart to give a home to an
+almost extinct bird of evil character about a yard across?"
+
+She looked startled for a moment and then quietly closed the door.
+
+I was still further discouraged. I felt bound in honour to comply, if
+possible, with Filmer's comparatively simple request. By chance I ran
+across Timberley, a man brimful of resource and suggestion. "You want a
+brewery," he said; "that's the _milieu_ for a raven. To my mind no brewery
+is artistically complete without one. A raven hopping about the casks gives
+a _je ne sais quoi_, a _cachet_, to the premises. You should get an
+introduction to a manager."
+
+With some difficulty I did, and I waited upon him in his private office. He
+seemed immersed in business and asked me to be seated in such a brusque
+manner that I had no alternative but to remain standing.
+
+"I must apologise for trespassing upon your valuable time, but it has been
+suggested to me that no brewery is complete without a raven--" I began,
+stammering slightly from nervousness.
+
+"Well, we've got one. What about it?" he said.
+
+In face of this unlooked-for development I could do nothing but bow and
+retire.
+
+After this third failure to house the bird I threw convention to the winds
+and took to accosting utter strangers in the street with, "Will you have a
+raven?" I went rides in trams and tubes and canvassed the passengers. "Not
+to-day, thank you," was the response, save in a few instances. One man
+invited me to ask him again and he would do me in. A lady to whom I
+propounded the query as we were descending the moving staircase side by
+side precipitated herself forward with such haste that but for the
+intervening travellers she must have fallen headlong to the bottom. The
+mother of a family to whom I appealed shook her head politely and said she
+was obliged to me for the offer, but it was hard enough to pay for
+butcher's meat; she couldn't afford poultry.
+
+Then at last, all my efforts having failed, I reluctantly took my pen and
+wrote to Filmer. In reply I received another of his scrawls:--
+
+"What's this about a raven? Don't let it grow on you. The Victory Croquet
+Club is taking my ROLLER, L7 carriage forward. I gave L3 10s. for it
+second-hand ten years ago.
+
+"N.B.--I had great difficulty in reading your writing. Don't cultivate
+illegibility; it's tiresome for your friends."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NO, THIS IS NOT A CELEBRATED COMEDIAN TELLING A FUNNY STORY;
+IT'S MERELY A PRIVATE CITIZEN THREATENING TO REPORT TO THE PROFITEERING
+COMMITTEE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Referring to charges of drunkenness the Chairman said there were 13
+    men and five women fined for drunkenness and residing at Chiswick."--
+    _Local Paper._
+
+To reside at Chiswick may be an eccentricity, but surely is not an offence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "COME, GENTS, HOW MUCH FOR THESE DOZEN
+BRACES?"
+
+_Tommy._ "CAN'T TAKE MORE'N ELEVEN, GUV'NOR. LOST MY SECOND-BEST EVENING
+TROUSERS ON THE SOMME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"JOHN FERGUSON."
+
+After the unsatisfying theatre-diet which has fallen to me of late I was
+doubly glad to get my teeth into Mr. St. JOHN ERVINE'S good meaty ration at
+the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith. His theme is as old and new as Job. _John
+Ferguson_ is a saintly Ulster farmer, apostle of the doctrine of non-
+resistance (rare type in those parts, I understand) and eager justifier of
+the ways of God to men. _Ferguson's_ beloved farm is mortgaged; foreclosure
+imminent. Help is confidently expected from brother _Andrew_ in America,
+but does not come. Daughter _Hannah_, sent with a message to the brutal
+mortgagee, is outraged by him. Prospective son-in-law _James_, man of great
+words but little heart, rushes into the night to kill the ravisher. But it
+is silent son _Andrew_ (destined for the ministry) who does the killing,
+because he knows _James_ to be a craven.
+
+_John Ferguson_ urges confidently the will of God that _James_, whom he
+believes blood-guilty, should not avoid arrest, and refuses to hide him.
+But when young _Andrew_ insists on giving himself up to save _James_ and
+his own peace the old man's faith, weakened, falters; he protests in his
+anguish, but rallies to accept this last blow from the hand of God--made
+none the easier to bear by the arrival, just a fatal fortnight late, of the
+money from his brother, a forgetful sort of man, who had mistaken the date
+of the mail. The tragic irony of the whole is skilfully heightened by the
+fact that it is half-witted "_Clutie_," with his penny whistle and his
+random words, who goads young _Andrew_ to his vengeance.
+
+A grim tale finely (perhaps just a little too diffusely) told and admirably
+presented. Mr. ERVINE'S most effective stroke was, I think, the character
+of _James Caesar_, with his pathetic yet revolting self-condemnation,
+interpreted with a real mastery of art without artifice by Mr. J.M.
+KERRIGAN, of the old band of "Irish Players." Miss MOYNA MACGILL (a name
+new to me) played her _Hannah_ with an exquisite sincerity and restraint. A
+particular moment when, from her hysterical laughter at the careful choice
+made by her father's God of the moment for the arrival of the money, she
+breaks into a passionate "It's not right! It's not just!" was very fine.
+The whole character was skilfully built up. The part by no means played
+itself.
+
+Mr. HERBERT MARSHALL'S _Andrew_ was also an excellent performance. Was it
+quite right, however, that the morning after the murder he should appear so
+completely unruffled? (I admit I don't know my Ulster intimately). I rather
+think that Mr. MILES MALLESON'S well-studied "_Clutie_" might have been a
+little less coherent, with more fawning in his manner. He seemed something
+too normal for his purpose in the piece. The way in which the other
+characters staved off his piping was beyond all praise. I should guess,
+from specimens submitted, that his repertory was not extensive.
+
+Mr. REA, as the father, was of course competent, but surely a little
+overplacid throughout. He accepted the blow of his daughter's dishonour
+with scarcely a sign that submission caused him any serious pang--a seeming
+indifference shared by Miss MAIRE O'NEILL (_Hannah's_ mother), who appeared
+quite untroubled a few minutes after the harrowing relation, and indeed
+seemed throughout to be playing too easily. Mr. RAYMOND VALENTINE had a
+"fat" part as the villain, and well and fatly he played it.
+
+I realise more than ever the difficulties of an Irish Settlement.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR ANIMAL ARTIST, AFTER A HARD DAY AT THE ZOO, GOES HOME IN
+A NON-SMOKER AND FALLS ASLEEP.]
+
+[Illustration: HE SLEEPS SO SOUNDLY THAT THE ENTRY OF A BIG-GAME HUNTER'S
+FAMILY FAILS TO DISTURB HIM.]
+
+[Illustration: THE ROAR OF A PASSING TRAIN FITS IN WITH HIS DREAMS OF WILD
+ANIMALS, AND--HE WAKES!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAME.
+
+For a long time past I had felt that something ought to be done about it,
+and then one evening as I opened my paper in the Tube I came suddenly upon
+the following paragraph:--
+
+"Lunching yesterday with Jack Poppington at the Bitz, where, by the way, M.
+Caramel treated us to a superbly priceless _mousse a la Canadienne_, he
+told me that his _Little Pests_ is selling like wildfire and proving a real
+bonanza to the lucky publishers, Messrs. Painter and Lilley. Had a pleasant
+chat with him about old times in the Army Pay Corps, in which we served
+together for nearly sixteen months during one of the hottest periods of
+hostilities 'out yonder.' More famous amongst the general public for his
+black ribboned tortoiseshell monocle and invariable presence at all truly
+semi-smart Bohemian functions, Poppington keeps a brindled bulldog, grows
+primulas and is, of course, known to a select circle as the energetic
+Organising Secretary of the North Battersea Entomological Society."
+
+The letterpress which I have quoted above was headed "Popular Pap" and
+formed a kind of frame for a photograph of Mr. Poppington, which seemed to
+show that his luncheon at the Bitz had not really agreed with him after
+all, and at the bottom of the column I noted the familiar signature of
+"_Marchand du Beurre_."
+
+As usual when I read paragraphs of this kind I first of all blushed
+guiltily and glanced round to see whether anyone had noticed how eagerly I
+was drinking it all in. Then I put on the faint superior smile of
+recognition which I felt that the situation obviously demanded. Good old
+Poppington! One of the best. What recollections it stirred! _Marchand_ and
+he and I--
+
+When I left the Tube I carefully crumpled the paper up and threw it away,
+and in the middle of dinner I took care to remark casually to Araminta, "By
+the way, I suppose you put _Little Pests_ on the library list?"
+
+"Awfully sorry," she said, "but I'm afraid I hadn't heard of them."
+
+"Poppington's latest," I said curtly.
+
+"I'm afraid I haven't heard of Poppington either."
+
+I gave a sigh of desperation and leant back in my chair.
+
+"Well, really!" I protested. "Surely the man himself--everybody--I
+mean--his--his eye-glass--his bulldog--of course only a few of us fully
+appreciate the extent of his actual research work--but still--"
+
+"All right, I'll get it," she replied.
+
+That finished off Araminta easily enough, but the situation none the less
+was serious. Paragraphs exactly like this had been meeting my eye in almost
+every popular paper for month after month, and, though I use two memory
+systems and have an electric scalp shampoo each week, I find them
+increasingly difficult to cope with. _Who's Which_ already transgresses the
+established canons of literary art. It is almost as tall lying down as
+standing up, and fellows like Poppington are not even in _Who's Which_. He
+had not, you observed, even obtained an O.B.E. What would happen if I met
+him at some public gathering or dinner and by some awful mischance forgot
+those salient facts?
+
+It appeared to me that a process for reproducing short biographies of this
+nature in a slightly larger type on the shirt-fronts of eminent personages
+was badly needed; it should be coupled, I felt, with an arrangement of
+periscopes to help one when sitting beside the great man or standing behind
+his back. Or he might perhaps wear upon his sleeve something like the
+divisional signs which were so useful in France. Old Poppington, for
+instance, might have a--might wear an--I mean there might be something or
+other on his coat in red or green or blue to indicate the nature and scope
+of his secretarial activities and give a fellow the right lead. And to
+think that every week dozens and dozens of new Poppingtons are springing up
+like crocuses about me! It was a bewildering thought. They were becoming
+perhaps the most numerous and influential class in the community. I had
+visions of mass meetings of "well-known" men--"well-known" men marching in
+procession with flags to Downing Street to demand State recognition,
+statues and pensions, and insisting that it should be made a penal offence
+not to recognise their well-known features in the street. I made a great
+resolve. Why should I be left out of it? I determined to join the crowd.
+
+I had got rather out of touch with old _Marchand_ for some time, and had
+indeed forgotten exactly what he looked like, but I persuaded a mutual
+friend to point him out to me, and, selecting the psychological moment,
+cannoned into him heavily in the street. His spectacles dropped off and his
+note-book fell out of his hand.
+
+"Why, if it isn't _Du Beurre_!" I shouted, feigning an ecstatic surprise.
+
+"I am sorry," he said rather stiffly, when he had recovered his breath,
+"but I am afraid I haven't the pleasure--"
+
+"I am John Smith," I said.
+
+"I am afraid I still--"
+
+"Allow me to tell you all about myself," I said. And I did.
+
+I was a little nervous as to how he would take it, but the event justified
+me. When I opened my paper next evening I found the following words:--
+
+"Ran across John Smith of Ravenscourt Park yesterday afternoon. Chatting
+with him about one thing and another, he told me something of the methods
+he has employed to bring about his present celebrity in that salubrious
+suburb. He has never, it appears, written a book, collaborated in a review,
+appeared in a night-club, lunched at the Bitz, sat on a committee, or been
+summoned as a witness in a sensational divorce case. His record, I fancy,
+must be one of the most thoroughly unique in Greater London."
+
+There was no photograph of John Smith, but, biting partly into this
+paragraph and partly into another on the opposite side of the column, was
+one of Mortimer Despenser, the new film star, featured in _Scented Sin_,
+which really did almost as well. Dear old _Du Beurre_!
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC A LA MODE.
+
+  There was a young singer whose moans
+  Struck a chill to her auditors' bones;
+      So she had to explain
+      That she wasn't in pain,
+  But was trying to sing quarter-tones.
+
+  There once was a basso, a swain
+  Who came from the rolling Ukraine;
+      He could sing double D
+      From breakfast till tea
+  Without any symptom of strain.
+
+  There was a benevolent peer
+  Who wished to make Art less severe,
+      So he learned the Jazz drum
+      And bids fair to become
+  The black man's most terrible fear.
+
+  There once was a critic whose bane
+  Was his dread of a style that was plain,
+      So, resolved to refresh us,
+      He strove to be precious,
+  But sank to the nether inane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "AMATEUR SNOOKER POOL CHAMPIONSHIP: S.H. FRY DEFLATED."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+It was noticed even during the Billiard competition that he never really
+got the wind up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The chief obstacle to the development of water-power is usually the
+    question of finance, and if the scheme will not hold water from that
+    point of view it is not likely to float."--_Electrical Review._
+
+And if it holds too much water it is certain to sink.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_Irishman_ (_discussing "roarer" recently purchased by P.-W.S._). "VERY
+WELL KNOWN, SHE WAS, WID THE WARD UNION STAG HOUNDS. THE BOYS USED TO CALL
+HER 'THE WIDDA,' FOR WHY THEY SAID YE COULD ALWAYS HEAR HER SOBBIN' AFTHER
+THE DEER DEPARTED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Undeniably Mr. CARADOC EVANS is the bold boy. No doubt you remember (since
+they are so difficult to forget) the two volumes in which he dealt
+faithfully (and a bit over) with the manners of his countrymen in the land
+of their fathers. I have heard, and can well believe, that some of Mr.
+EVANS' own people were moved by this tribute even to the extent of
+threatening its author with personal violence. And now he has turned from
+Welsh Wales to English London, and gives us in _My Neighbours_ (MELROSE) a
+further collection of sketches pleasantly calculated to prove that the
+general detestability of his compatriots remains unchanged by their
+migration from a whitewashed cottage to a villa in Suburbia. Whatever you
+may think of Mr. EVANS' work, whether it attracts or violently repels,
+there can be no question of its devastating skill. His sketches, no more
+than a few pages in length, contain never an idle word, and the phrases
+bite like vitriol. Moreover he employs an idiom that is (I conjecture) a
+direct transcription from native speech, which adds enormously to the
+effect. Understand me, not for worlds would I commend these volumes
+haphazard to the fastidious; I only say they are clever, arresting and
+violently individual. Also that, if you have not so far met the work of Mr.
+EVANS, here is your opportunity, in a volume that shows it at its best, or
+worst. Half-an-hour's reading will give you an excellent idea of it. At the
+end of that time you will probably send either to the chemist for a
+restorative or to the bookseller for the two previous volumes. Meanwhile,
+if I were the writer, I should purchase a bulldog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. GEORGE WEMYSS has for some time past specialised in spinster-aunts,
+bachelor-uncles and charming nieces. In _Oranges and Lemons_ (CONSTABLE)
+she introduces us pleasantly to some more. The plot, in fact, is chiefly
+concerned with the violent squabbles of an uncle and aunt, who belong to
+different sides of the family, for the good graces of _Diana_ (who is
+nineteen, or thereabouts, and radiant), and _Shant_, (who says so--just
+like that--and is five). There are also several young men. To test his
+abilities in the _Admirable Crichton_ line _Diana_ maroons the most
+favoured of these, together with three other aspirants to her hand, and her
+bachelor uncle, on an island in a Scottish loch, hamperless, on a soft day.
+As the affections of all the lovers remain undimmed, you can guess what
+kind of a girl _Diana_ must have been. _Shant's_ even more responsible job
+is to tumble off a pony and allay the temporary tartness which existed
+between her two elderly admirers, so that nothing but oranges and
+orange-blossoms remain. Really, of course, none of the story much matters.
+But if you want the sensation of having stayed with delightful people in
+delightful places, where rising prices are not even mentioned or thought
+of, Mrs. WEMYSS can give it you all the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Night and Day_ (DUCKWORTH) is the title of VIRGINIA WOOLF'S last book; but
+there is no night for the author's clarity of vision, or her cleverness in
+describing every detail she has seen, or her delicate precision of style;
+there is only daylight, temperate, pervading, but at times, I am afraid,
+almost irritatingly calm. "Give me one indiscretion of sympathy or emotion
+on behalf of your characters," the reader is tempted to implore her; "let
+me feel that you are a little bit excited about them and I shall feel
+excited too." The story, after all, is the simple one (to put it in the
+shudderingly crude language of former days) of a girl's change of heart
+from an unreal love to one of whose sincerity she eventually convinces
+herself. _Katharine Hilbery_, the granddaughter of a great poet, brought up
+by a father whose only interest is in literature, and a charming mother who
+wanders in fields of Victorian romance, breaks off her engagement with a
+civil servant who has more taste than talent for letters, and chooses
+instead a man slightly below her in social position, but with firmness and
+decision of character and genuine skill in--what? Ironmongery? No,
+literature. All through the book I found myself wondering whether a mind so
+finely tempered as _Katharine's_, a perception so acute, was really fitted
+for anything so commonplace as, after all, love is. And I longed for the
+authoress, who explained every mood so amazingly well, to explain this too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. NORRIS is evidently a specialist in unconventional situations. In her
+last novel her theme was the intrigue between a man and his step-mother. In
+_Sisters_ (MURRAY) it is the passion of a man for his living wife's married
+sister, and in neither case does the author seem to be conscious of
+anything out of the ordinary. Not that there is any air of naughtiness
+about the business. _Peter_, a rich cripple, loved _Cherry_, the youngest
+and prettiest of the three _Strickland_ girls. But _Martin_, a casual
+impecunious stranger, stepped in and took her in one bite before _Peter_
+could quite realise she was no longer a child. So in default he married
+_Alix_, who was, incidentally, worth six of her. Meeting his _Cherry_,
+disillusioned about an unsatisfactory and unsuccessful _Martin_, he reaches
+out his hand for this forbidden fruit. Whereupon _Alix_, the selfless,
+drives herself and _Martin_ over a cliff by way of making things smooth for
+_Peter_ and _Cherry_, which was inconsiderate, if resourceful; for, while
+_Alix_ is happily killed, poor _Martin_ only breaks his back, so that all
+may end with the balance on the credit side of the Recording Angel's ledger
+with _Cherry_ nursing her hopeless invalid. An unlikely story, pleasantly
+and competently told.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My appreciation of _The Ancient Allan_ (CASSELL) may be measured by my keen
+disappointment on finding that the concluding pages of the book were absent
+in the copy vouchsafed to me, and that (apparently) in their place a double
+dose of pages 279-294 was offered. Nevertheless I can safely assert that
+you will find this a yarn worth reading, for here Sir RIDER HAGGARD is in
+as good form as ever he was, when both he and _Allan Quatermain_ were
+younger. _Lady Ragnall_, who is an old friend to readers of _The Ivory
+Child_, reappears here, having in her possession a mysterious and potent
+herb, which she persuades _Allan_ to inhale. Then the fun takes on a great
+liveliness. _Allan_ is wafted back to the days when Egypt was under the
+domination of the Persians, and he in his ancient existence performed some
+of the very doughtiest of deeds. No one living can tell such a tale with a
+greater dexterity and zest than Sir RIDER. And at that I will leave it,
+with one more regret that I was not allowed to be present when _Allan_
+recovered from the effects of Taduki (the herb that did it).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I find that when the medicine of thought is wrapped up in the jam of
+fiction I generally take both more willingly than either alone. But if my
+author, holding out the spoonful, protests that the jam isn't jam at all
+but part of the dose, then my mouth does not open with quite its usual
+happy confidence. Miss W.M. LETTS has said something of the sort about her
+great little book, _Corporal's Corner_ (WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON), and I wish
+she hadn't. It is cast in the form of letters written by a soldier in
+hospital to a nurse who has been good to him and whose lover has been
+killed at the Front. Miss Letts introduces it with a foreword which conveys
+the impression that a real _Corporal Jack_ wrote these letters to a real
+nurse; but the letters themselves convince--or very nearly convince--me
+that the foreword itself is a mere device of authorship, and one which
+defeats its own intention of adding weight to the wise and tender and often
+humorous things the writer has to say. From his own death-bed _Corporal
+Jack_, together with his own love-story and that of his chum _Mac_, writes
+what he can of comfort to his friend, and whether his hand or Miss LETTS'S
+held the pen the book is the work of someone who knows all about sorrow,
+and only the initiated--who must be many for a decade to come--will know
+quite how well it is done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the late Mr. NOEL ROSS, who, to the infinite loss of British journalism,
+died at the early age of twenty-seven, Mr. Punch cannot trust himself to
+speak with the cold detachment of the critic. He saw life with the clear
+eye of happy youth and set it down with the easy pen of a ready writer.
+Coming from New Zealand, through the War, to England, his natural talents
+were at once recognised, and he won a position for himself on the staff of
+_The Times_. In the leisure moments spared from the service of the Old Lady
+of Printing House Square, he would crack a jest, now and then, with the Old
+Sage of Bouverie Street. Mr. EDWIN ARNOLD now publishes a collection of his
+writings under the title, _Noel Ross and His Work_, and Mr. Punch confines
+himself to commending the volume to his readers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST.
+
+SIR ISAAC NEWTON'S APPLE.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, March 3rd, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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