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diff --git a/16563.txt b/16563.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..69cee1a --- /dev/null +++ b/16563.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1995 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +March 3rd, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 3rd, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 20, 2005 [EBook #16563] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +March 3rd, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A lunatic who recently escaped from an asylum was eventually recaptured in +a large dancing-hall in the West-End. The fact that he was waltzing +divinely and keeping perfect time with the music aroused the other dancers' +suspicions and led to his recapture. + +* * * + +The latest type of Tank, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL informed the House of +Commons, weighs thirty tons and can pass over a brick without crushing it. +It is said to be modelled on the Profiteering Act. + +* * * + +The proposal of the HOME SECRETARY to add fifty per cent. to taxi-cab fares +and abolish the initial charge of sixpence is said to find favour both with +owners and drivers. The men in particular have always chafed at the +necessity of messing about with small silver. + +* * * + +Much sympathy is felt locally for the man who in the excitement caused by +the declaration of the poll at Paisley lost his corkscrew. + +* * * + +"The ex-Kaiser was responsible for the War," says the _Koelnische Zeitung_. +Our Hush-hush Department seems to have grown very lax of late. + +* * * + +A welcome case of judicial sympathy is reported from West London. It +appears that a Society lady charged with shop-lifting pleaded that she was +the sole support of two kennel-ridden poodles, and was immediately +discharged. + +* * * + +The Press reports the existence of miles and miles of war-material in huge +dumps near Calais and Boulogne. War Office officials, we hear, are greatly +relieved, as they have been trying for several months to remember where +they had left the stuff. + +* * * + +A lady with small capital would like to meet another similarly situated, +with a view to the joint purchase of a reel of thread. + +* * * + +At Jerusalem a tree has been uprooted whose fall is locally believed to +presage the destruction of the Turkish Empire. It is only fair to the tree +to point out that if it had known of this it would probably, like the +Government, have changed its mind at the last minute. + +* * * + +"One of the problems of civilized humanity," says a writer in _The Daily +Mail_, "is the avoidance of pain-producing elements in ordinary diet." +Nowadays it is impossible to eat even so simple a thing as a boiled egg in +a restaurant without the risk of being stung. + +* * * + +The identity of the gentleman who, under the initials "A.G.," recently +advertised in the Press for the thyroid gland of _Proteus diplomaticus_ +remains unrevealed. + +* * * + +It appears that the Government have undertaken not to engage in any more +war with the Bolshevists, if they, for their part, will endeavour to quell +the peace which is still raging. + +* * * + +"Englishmen will never forget America," says a Service paper. For ourselves +we had hoped that the American bacon affair was closed. + +* * * + +A burglar broke into a barrister's chambers in the Temple last week. We +understand that he got away without having any money taken off him. + +* * * + +A woman who said she had had six husbands asked a London magistrate to +grant her a separation. It is supposed that she is breaking up her +collection. + +* * * + +Owing to the thick fog experienced in London, last week several daylight +hold-ups were unavoidably postponed. + +* * * + +With the present fashion in ladies' wear many owners of beautiful brooches +are in the unhappy position of having nothing to attach them to. + +* * * + +In order to raise funds for the building of a new church-porch in a +Birmingham parish a member of the committee suggested the sale of small +flags in the street. Struck by the originality of this novel idea the +chairman agreed to go into the matter in order to see if it was +practicable. + +* * * + +A farmer writing from Bridgnorth, Salop, to a daily paper states that he +has a tame fox which guards the house at night and shepherds the sheep by +day. We understand that the Dogs' Trade Union takes a serious view of the +whole matter, but is not without hope of being able to avert a strike. + +* * * + +The real value of co-operation was illustrated the other day on the +Underground Railway when a lady complained that a straphanger was standing +on her foot. Word was immediately passed down the carriage, with the result +that by a combined swaying movement in one direction the offender was +enabled to remove his foot. + +* * * + +It is estimated that three hundred and forty thousand persons made fortunes +out of the War. Of these it is only fair to say that the number who +actually encouraged the War to happen are few. The vast majority simply +allowed it to come along and do its worst. + +* * * + +The Corporation of London made L18 on the sale of waste paper in the year +1919-1920, as compared with over L9000 in the year 1918-1919. It looks as +if in the last-named year the Corporation was in communication with a +Government Department. + +* * * + +"Why will not Scotsmen eat eels?" asks _The Manchester Guardian_. We cannot +say, but we have always understood that the attitude is reciprocal. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY--ER--HATS?"] + + * * * * * + +THE POST-WAR HERO. + + It was a stainless patriot, who could not bear to fight + For England the oppressor, or own that she was right; + But when the War was over, to show his martial breed, + He shot down three policemen and made a woman bleed. + + * * * * * + +PAISLEY TO THE RESCUE OF THE COALITION. + +(_The PRIME MINISTER to Mr. ASQUITH_) + + Welcome, for Old Long Since's sake, + Home to your ancient seat! + It needed only this to make + My cup of joy complete; + The weary waiting time is past; + The yawning vacuum is mended; + And here we have you back at last-- + Oh, HERBERT, this is splendid! + + As one whose wisdom overflows + With human nature's lore, + You know they make the keenest foes + Who have been friends before; + We loved as only Liberals do + Until their rival sabres rattle + And Greek joins Greek (like me and you)-- + Then is the tug of battle. + + As an old Parliamentary hand + Familiar with the ropes, + Those perils you will understand + With which a Premier copes + Whose big battalions run to seed, + Having indulged a taste for slacking, + And let their muscles moult for need + Of foemen worth the whacking. + + Such was my case. By habit's use + They still obeyed the whip, + But loyal zeal grew limp and loose + And things were left to rip; + I had no hope to stay the rot + And fortify their old affections + (Save for the stimulus they got + From losing by-elections). + + Daily I took, to keep me fit, + My tonic in _The Times_; + Daily recovered tone and grit + Reading about my crimes; + But one strong foe is what we lack + To put us on our best behaviour; + That's why in you I welcome back + The Coalition's saviour. + + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +AUCTION IN THE SPACIOUS TIMES. + +"It is Our Royal pleasure to will and declare one diamond," said the VIRGIN +QUEEN, when the Keeper of the Privy Purse had arranged her hand for her. +Sir WALTER RALEIGH, who sat on her left, was on his feet in a twinkling. +"Like to like, 'twas ever thus," he murmured, bowing low to his Sovereign. +"I crave leave to call two humble clubs, as becometh so mean a subject of +Your Majesty," It is not known whether his allusion to the QUEEN'S call was +intended to refer to the diamond rings upon HER MAJESTY'S fingers or to the +scintillating glint in HER MAJESTY'S eyes, but she inclined her head +graciously in acknowledgment of his remarks before turning to her partner. + +"What say you, my Lord of LEICESTER?" she asked. "Wilt support a poor weak +woman?" His Lordship, however, looked down his noble nose and said nothing +for quite a long time. He found himself, to use a vulgar phrase, in the +_consomme_. His hand contained the ace, king and six other spades, nothing +to write home about in hearts or clubs, and one small diamond. To take from +his partner the right to play the hand would be the act of a fool--the mere +thought made him raise a hand to his neck as though to assure himself of +its continuity. Even failure to support her call would be looked on as +ungallant, if nothing worse. + +"How now, sirrah? Art sleeping in Our presence?" prompted the QUEEN +sharply. + +The EARL swallowed noisily once or twice, just to show that he was awake, +and then plunged. + +"An it please you, Madam, two diamonds," he muttered, with but a sorry show +of his habitual arrogance. + +"Double!" said Sir FRANCIS DRAKE in crisp seamanlike tones, whereat the +Earl of LEICESTER was seen to fumble for the hilt of his rapier. + +"Stay, my Lord," his liege commanded; "'tis true the Knight hath left his +manners in Devonshire, or on the Spanish main mayhap, but keep your brawl +for an hour and place more fitting. We redouble." + +A momentary silence followed the QUEEN'S discourse, cut short by the +uncouth ejaculation "'Ods fish!" which escaped from Sir FRANCIS apparently +without his consent. He embarked on an apology at once, based on the fact +that he was but an honest sailor; but, meeting with no encouragement, he +gave it up and fell to sucking his teeth. + +Sir WALTER meanwhile made good use of the interval to perfect a flower of +speech signifying, in a manner worthy a courtier of his reputation, that he +was content. His effort drew from the QUEEN a glance as nearly approaching +the "glad eye" as any that august spinster was ever known to dispense. The +Laird of Kenilworth announced that he also was content; but historians +should accept the statement with reserve. Sir FRANCIS either wasn't sure +whether the rules of the game allowed him to double again, or else had just +enough tact not to do so. The game then proceeded. + +Sir WALTER led the ace of clubs. The appearance of the noble lord's +solitary little diamond, as he laid down his hand, was greeted by a loud +hiccough from the old salt, and the QUEEN herself was only saved from +swooning by the timely administrations of a page with a flask of sal- +volatile. + +When, fourth in hand, she trumped the honest sailor's ace, her partner had +the hardihood to make conventional inquiry as to whether she had any clubs. +HER MAJESTY uttered in reply the one dreadful word, "Treason," thus +avoiding with true statesmanship any direct answer to the question, and +indicating clearly her opinion of his two-diamond call. The Keeper of the +Privy Purse shot out a lean hand and gathered in the trick. + +With the help of the ace of spades in dummy, the ace of hearts in her own +hand, and a discriminating use of her Royal prerogative in the matter of +following suit, all went well until the odd trick had been won. After that, +however, Sir FRANCIS, who had not doubled without good reason, proceeded to +deal out six diamonds, led by the ace, king and queen. His partner unwisely +allowed his feelings to get the better of him. "As WILL SHAKSPEARE hath +it," he observed with unction, "'now is the winter of our discontent made +glorious summer--'" but stopped on a sudden, with ears and scalp twitching +horribly. + +"Ho without! Summon the guard!" roared the last of the Tudors, and +immediately an N.C.O. and six private beef-eaters appeared on the scene. +"Convey Our compliments to the Governor of the Tower," she continued, +addressing the N.C.O., "and bid him confine the Earl of LEICESTER during +Our pleasure. My Lord," she added, turning to her luckless partner, "'twere +well, methinks, you should have leisure in which to reflect on the folly of +trifling with a woman." + +It is greatly to the EARL'S credit that at this point he made strenuous +endeavours to surrender his sword in accordance with the drill-book, but as +it refused to come out of its scabbard he was obliged to unbutton the frog +from his belt and hand over the weapon complete with leather gear. This +formality achieved, he was led away to durance vile. + +Sir FRANCIS, poor fellow, fared scarcely better than the Earl. "Begone to +sea, Sir Knight," hissed the QUEEN; "mayhap the Dons will teach you more +becoming manners. Begone, I say, and look to 't your ships return not +empty, else shall you not receive payment of your winnings." + +Sir FRANCIS went. + +A glance at the pitiable condition of Sir WALTER caused HER MAJESTY'S heart +to soften somewhat. "Come, Sir," she cooed, "an arm, prithee, and We will +seek a place where you may read to Us the mummings of this strange bard, +WILL SHAKSPEARE." + +Sir WALTER at once regained control of his nerve-centres and escorted HER +MAJESTY from the painful scene. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ELUSIVE PEST. + +JOHN BULL. "GOT HIM!" + +THE PROFITEER. "I DON'T THINK!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Patient._ "AND YOU REALLY THINK THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH +MY EYESIGHT?" + +_Oculist._ "NOTHING AT ALL. PERFECTLY NORMAL." + +_Patient._ "AH, THEN IT MUST BE THE WAY I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY PUTTER."] + + * * * * * + +GEORGE AND THE COW-DRAGON. + +The "rockerty-tockerty-tock" refrain of the carriage-wheels below me +changed into a jarring whine as the train came to a full stop. I looked out +on a dim-lit platform which seemed to be peopled only by a squad of +milk-cans standing shoulder to shoulder like Noah's Ark soldiers. + +As the engine shrieked and plunged into its collar again the door was +jerked open and a man projected himself into the carriage and, opening the +window so that the compartment was flooded with cold air, leaned out and +resumed his conversation with a friend till the train bore him out of +shouting range. He then pulled up the window, trod on my foot, sat on my +lap and eventually came to rest on the seat opposite me. + +It was a small man, red of head and bright of eye. He wore his cap at the +back of his head, so as to exhibit to an admiring world a carefully- +cultured curl of the "quiff" variety, which was plastered across his +forehead with a great expenditure of grease. His tie was a ready-made bow +of shot-colours, red, green, blue and purple, and from his glittering +watch-chain hung many fanciful medals, like soles upon a line. + +"Brother-in-law to me," he remarked, jerking his thumb towards the +back-rushing lights of Exeter. + +"Who?" I inquired. + +"That young feller I was talking to just now. Didn't you see me talking to +a young feller?" + +"Oh, yes, I believe I did hear you talking to somebody." + +"Well, him. Married a sister to me, so he's my brother-in-law, ain't he?" + +"Certainly." + +"Well, you're wrong then. He's only a half-brother-in-law, because she is +only a half-sister to me, her ma marrying my old man. Understand?" + +I said I did and pulled up my rug as a signal that I was going to sleep and +the conversation was at an end. + +"Anyhow, whatever he is, he's good enough for her." + +I remarked that that was most satisfactory and closed my eyes. + +He drew out a yellow packet of cigarettes, selected one and held them in my +direction. I declined and again closed my eyes. + +"Very good, please yourself, it's one more for little Willie. All I can say +is that you're foolish not taking a good fag when it don't cost you +nothing. You don't catch me refusing a free fag even when I don't want to +smoke. I takes it and puts it in my cap for when I do. Pounds I've saved +that way, pounds and pounds." + +He lit his limp tube of paper and mystery, stamped out the match and spat +deliberately on the floor. + +"See me do that?" + +I nodded with as much disgust as I could contrive. + +"Know what them notices say I can get for that? Fined or imprisoned." + +He paused for me to marvel at his daring. + +"Think I'm mad to take risks like that, don't cher? Well, I aren't neither. +They couldn't catch me out, not they." + +He brushed some ash off his lap on to mine and winked sagely. + +"Suppose the guard was to come in here and start fining and imprisoning me +for it, do you know what I'd do? I'd swear _you_ did it." + +"But I should deny it," I retorted hotly. + +"Of course you would, old chum, and I shouldn't blame you neither, but you +wouldn't stand no chance against me"--he leaned forward and tapped me on +the knee as though to emphasize his words--"_I could lie your life away_." + +He sank back in his seat, his face aglow with conscious superiority. The +clamour of the wheels increased as if they were live things burning with +the fever of some bloodthirsty hunt. + +"Firing her up," said the red man; "always racing time, these passenger +wagons. It's a dog's life and no blooming error." He prodded my foot with +his. "I said 'it's a dog's life and no error.'" + +"What is?" I growled. + +"Engine-driving, of course. I'm on the road myself. Goods-pushing just now, +but I've been on the expresses off and on, though it don't suit me--too +much flaring hurry." + +He rattled off into technicalities of his trade, embroidered with tales of +hair-bristling adventures and escapes. + +"Yes, old chum, there's more in our trade than what most fat-headed +passengers thinks. As long as an accident don't occur they don't know what +trouble we've been to avoiding of it. I've a good mind to give 'em a +smash-up now and again just to teach 'em gratitood. F'instance, me and me +mate was running a local down Ilfracombe way last week when what d'you +think we runned into?" + +"Ilfracombe?" I hazarded sleepily. + +"An old cow! Now what d' you think of that?" + +"It was so much the worse for the coo," I quoted. + +"What say?" + +"It was so much the worse for the cow." + +"Worse for the cow?" + +"So GEORGE STEPHENSON said, and he invented the locomotive and ought to +know, you'll admit." + +The little man stared at me, his mouth open; for once he seemed bereft of +words. We had slowed to a momentary stop, in a small station and pulled out +again before he regained control of his tongue, then he broke loose. + +"No, I don't admit it neither. I don't care if your friend George invented +the moon, he talks like a fool, and you can tell him so from me." + +"I can't, unfortunately; he's--" + +"A chap that talks disrespectful and ignorant of cows like that didn't +oughter be allowed to live. A cow is one of the worstest things you can run +up against. I'd rather run into a row of brick houses than one of them +nasty leathery old devils; and you can hand the information to your chum +George." + +"I tell you I can't; he's--" + +"Ask any driver or fireman on the road, and if he don't slip you one with a +shovel for your withering ignorance he'll tell you just what I'm telling +you now. Yes, you and your funny friend." + +"Look here, GEORGE STEPHENSON has been--" + +"Let your funny friend try running into a cow just for 'speriment. Just let +him try it once. They tangle up in your bogies, all slippery bones and +hide, slither along with you a yard or two, and the next thing you know is +you're over an embankment and your widder is putting in for insurance. Tell +your pal George from me." + +The brakes ground on and the lights of a station flickered past the +windows. + +"My gosh!" exclaimed the red-headed man, springing to his feet, "this is +Cullumpton, and I ought to have got out at the station before." He wrestled +with the door-handle. "And it's all through sitting here listening to your +everlasting damfool chatter about you and your friend George." + +"Who died forty years before I was born," said I. "Good night." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Robinson._ "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU CHAPS STARTED TO DO +SOMETHING. HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY." + +_Mendicant._ "YOU ARE MISTAKEN, SIR. I LOST THREE WIVES THROUGH IT."] + + * * * * * + +WIZARDS: KLINGSOR AND ANOTHER. + +"Another _Parsifal_ ought to be written from the angle of Klingsor, who was +an enlightened Arabian, physician, scientist and probably Aristotelian.... +The Knights, and Wagner with them, call him a wizard, which was a crude +mediaeval way of 'slanging' any man who preferred knowledge to +superstition." + +This remarkable utterance by the musical critic of _The Daily Mail_ in the +issue of February 25th has created a sensation in the political world fully +equal to that caused by the announcement of Mr. ASQUITH'S return for +Paisley. Scientific and artistic circles have also been deeply moved. + +Sir PHILIP SASSOON, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S new secretary, interviewed by our +representative, said that the tribute to his chief was all the more welcome +considering its source. His only criticism was that, instead of calling the +charge of wizardry a "crude mediaeval" mode of invective, he should prefer +to style it an ultra-modern application of the art of obloquy. + +Sir OLIVER LODGE, in a wireless message from New York, entirely approved of +_The Daily Mail's_ reading of KLINGSOR'S character. He was clearly a +scientist and a spiritualist of remarkable attainments. The defection of +_Kundry_ to the side of the Knights was a sad instance--but not without +modern parallels--of the unrelenting pressure exerted on weak women by the +zealots of orthodoxy. + +Mr. A.B. WALKLEY said that he had long suspected KLINGSOR of being a +crypto-Aristotelian, but the arguments of the writer in _The Daily Mail_ +had converted his suspicion to a certainty. He proposed to deal with the +matter more fully in an imaginary dialogue between KLINGSOR and Sir OSWALD +STOLL (who was a devout follower of HERBERT SPENCER) which would shortly +appear in _The Times_. + +Mr. DEVANT professed himself delighted with the vindication of KLINGSOR, +who was undoubtedly, like ROGER BACON, a first-rate conjurer, far in +advance of his time, and with limited resources was yet capable of +producing illusions which would not have disgraced the stage of St. +George's Hall. + +The Archbishop of CANTERBURY excused himself from pronouncing a definite +opinion on the subject, but pointed out that it would doubtless come within +the purview of the inquiry into Spiritualism undertaken by high clerical +authority. + +Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN made the gratifying announcement that he was engaged on a +colossal statue of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the character of the modern +_Merlin_. His treatment might not commend itself to the leaders of +Nonconformity in Wales, but his own artistic conscience was clear, and he +felt he could count on the benevolent sympathy of the Northcliffe Press. + +The Editor of _The Times_ strongly demurred to the statement that KLINGSOR +was an Arabian. The great authority on KLINGSOR was the anonymous +thirteenth-century epic poem on _Lohengrin_, the father of _Parsifal_, and +he had no doubt (1) that the author was either a Czecho-Slovak or a +Yugo-Slav; (2) that KLINGSOR, as the etymology suggested, was of the latter +race. In these circumstances the attempt to establish an affinity between +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and KLINGSOR was nothing short of an outrage, which might +have disastrous results on our relations with the new States of Central +Europe. + +Mr. J. MAYNARD KEYNES observed that the characterisation of Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE, implicit in the defence of KLINGSOR made by the musical critic of +_The Daily Mail_, indirectly confirmed his own impressions. It was true +that the PREMIER did not physically resemble an Arab sheikh, and his +knowledge of medicine, science or philosophy, to say nothing of geography, +was decidedly jejune, but the sad case of President WILSON made it all too +clear that he was capable of exerting a hypnotic influence on his +colleagues. Mr. KEYNES did not think Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was an Aristotelian; +he preferred to consider him an unconscious Pragmatist. This view he +proposed to develop in his forthcoming volume on the Subliminal Conscience +of Nonconformity. + + * * * * * + +TO JAMES (MULE) WHO HAS PLAYED ME FALSE. + +[Many mules are appearing upon the streets of London and are showing an +extraordinary and unexpected docility amidst the traffic.] + + James, when I note your air supremely docile, + Your well-fed look of undisturbed content + (Doubtless you find this land an adipose isle + After lean times on active service spent), + I do not join with those who hymn your praises + For calmness mid the turmoil of the town; + I find myself consigning you to blazes-- + James, you have let me down. + + For I am one who, after having striven, + A hero (_vide_ Press) though far from bold, + Has come back home and, naturally, given + Artistic touches to the tales he's told; + The Transport was my scene of martial labours; + That was the section where I saw it through; + And I have told astonished friends and neighbours + Some lurid yarns of you. + + You are the theme I have been wont to brag on; + I've told how you, my now innocuous moke, + Would chew the tail-board off a G.S. wagon + By way of mere _plaisanterie_ (or joke); + Dubbed you most diabolical of ragers, + A rampant hooligan, a fetid tough, + A thing without respect for sergeant-majors-- + That is to say, hot stuff. + + Full many a fair young thing I've seen displaying + A sympathetic pallor on her cheek + And wonder in her eye, when I've been saying + How almost every day in Salonique + You jazzed with me on brinks of precipices; + But when I talk to-day they cannot fail + To think of you in town and murmur, "This is + A likely sort of tale." + + To take, without one thought of evil plotting, + Even without one last protesting kick, + Thus kindly to somnambulistic trotting-- + Oh, James, old pal, it was a dirty trick; + To show the yarns I'd told of you and written + (In letters home) were not entirely swank + At very least, I think, you might have bitten + The policeman at the Bank. + + * * * * * + +BOAT RACE "INTELLIGENCE." + +"The Oxford University crew arrived at Henley yesterday for a week's +practice. The Cambridge president, Mr. E.A. Berrisford, accompanied the +crew as spare man."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The Government, said Mr. Bonar Law, had not received any intimation + from the Netherlands Government that Holland had decided to keep the + ex-Kaiser in Curacoa."--_Evening Standard._ + +Good news for Mr. PUSSYFOOT. + + * * * * * + + "ESSEX and SUSSEX BORDERS.--To be Let, well-built Mansion, surrounded + by fine gardens, situate in one of the finest parts of this delightful + country."--_Daily Paper._ + +But it must be rather a nuisance to cross the Thames every time you want to +go from the Essex to the Sussex wing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +TYPICAL COSTUME FOR AN EARNEST WORKER IN THE CAUSE OF CHARITY.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +THE RAGE EXHIBITED BY AN AUTHOR WHILE HAVING ONE OF HIS NOVELS FILMED IS +UTILISED BY THE INTELLIGENT MANAGER OF THE FILM COMPANY FOR A NEW +"THREE-REEL COMIC," ENTITLED "HOW AUTHORS WORK."] + + * * * * * + +SUZANNE'S BANKING ACCOUNT. + +"These want paying," said Suzanne as she bounced into my nominally sacred +den at a strictly prohibited hour. Therewith she thrust a _dossier_ of +tradesmen's bills into my feebly-resisting hands, and bang went an idea I +had been tenderly nursing since breakfast. + +"But I can't spend the rest of the morning writing cheques," I protested. +"I'm engaged just now on a most important article." + +"With your eyes shut," commented Suzanne, stooping to a grossly unfair +insinuation. "I must tell Cook to make the breakfast coffee stronger in +future; then you might manage to--" + +"Look here, Suzanne, you've been married to me long enough to know my +methods of work. I can't begin an article until I've got the whole thing +shaped in my mind, and to do that I must shut out everything else." + +"Especially your wife, I suppose. Well, I won't stay. You've got all the +bills there; but don't start writing the cheques till you've got them well +shaped in your mind." + +"But what on earth does all this mass of accounting literature represent?" +I asked. + +"For the benefit of new readers a synopsis is attached," said Suzanne. +"They're mostly small items; for instance, Madame Pillby--she's the little +dressmaker round the corner, you know; though why an all-British spinster +should call herself 'Madame' I can't imagine--five-and-fourpence-ha'penny." + +"Suzanne; I will _not_ write a cheque for five-and-fourpence-ha'penny! Are +they all like that?" + +"The biggest is two guineas; that's what it cost to have my last dance-hat +altered to your specifications, because you said it tickled your nose. +There are seventeen of them in all--bills, not hats; total, twelve pounds +fifteen shillings and elevenpence three farthings, pa-pa." + +"I'll tell you what I'm going to do," I said. "I'm going to advertise in +the Personal Columns of the papers that I will not be responsible for +payment of any debts incurred by my wife under the sum of one pound. +That'll stop this half-crown cheque nuisance. Why don't you go out and buy +yourself a packet of assorted postal-orders?" + +"I did once; but I got in with a nice long list just before closing-time, +and there was very nearly a riot on both sides of the counter." + +"Well, anyhow, this sort of thing has got to stop; I can't waste all the +morning settling your miserable little bills. What we'll do is this: you +shall have your own banking-account, and in future you can write your own +cheques--as long as the Bank will stick it." + +"Oh, how perfectly splendid!" cried Suzanne. "I've always wanted to have a +cheque-book of my own, but Father thought it unsexing. Do let's go and take +out the licence at once." + +The precious hour of fertilisation was already wasted, so there and then I +escorted Suzanne to the Bank. At my demand we were ushered into the +Manager's room, where we were received with a courtesy only too obviously +tempered by the suspicion that I had come to suggest an overdraft. On my +explaining our errand, however, the Manager's features relaxed their +tenseness, and as I wrote the cheque that brought Suzanne's account into a +sordid world he even attempted a vein of fatherly benediction. + +"Now we shall require a specimen of the lady's signature," he said as he +produced an amazingly obese ledger and indicated where Suzanne was to sign +her name. "Remove the glove, please," he added hastily. + +"Just like old times in the vestry," said Suzanne to me in a whisper. Then +she wrote her name--"Suzanne Desiree Beverley Trumpington-Jones"--all of +it. By the time she had finished she had trespassed into several columns +reserved for entirely different uses. The Manager surveyed the effect with +consternation. + +"Rather a long name, isn't it?" he asked diffidently. "I was only wondering +if our cheque-forms would accommodate it all." + +"Well, I'm not really responsible for it all," she replied. "The +Trumpington-Jones part is the more or less permanent result of a serious +accident when I was little more than a child. But I might shorten it a bit. +I sometimes answer to the name of Soozles, but I suppose that would only do +for really intimate cheques. How would 'S. Beverley T.-Jones' do? I +shouldn't like to lose the 'Beverley' as it's a kind of family heirloom, +and I always use it, even when I'm writing to the sweep." + +I edged away to the window and left them to settle the signature question +among themselves. + +"And what kind of cheques would you like--'Order' or 'Bearer'?" I next +heard the Manager asking. + +"Show me some patterns, please," commanded Suzanne. + +On the wall was a frame containing a number of different cheque varieties, +to which her attention was directed. + +"Haven't you any other colours?" she asked. "I thought a black-and-yellow +cheque would be rather becoming; but don't bother about it if it's not in +stock." + +She ended by taking one book of blue and one of purple cheques, and with +these and a paying-in-book (which she said would do so nicely for spills) +we at last departed. From behind the closed door of the private office I +distinctly heard a prolonged sigh of relief. + +A few days later I came upon Suzanne sitting at her writing-table and +examining a cheque with a mystified air. + +"Anything wrong?" I asked. + +"I don't quite know," she replied. "I sent Angela this cheque the other day +to pay for my ticket for the Law-Courts' Revel, and she says the Bank +people have returned it to her. And it's marked 'R.D.' in red ink. Who is +'R.D.'?" + +"He's the gentleman who censors cheques; and he has a way of disqualifying +them when there's not enough cash to pay them. Suzanne, what have you done +with all that money I paid into your account last Monday?" + +"But I've only paid those footling little bills. There must be tons of +money left, unless the Bank's been speculating with it." + +"Let me have a look at that cheque," I said. + +She handed it to me and I examined it carefully. + +"I see it's signed 'Thine, Suzanne.'" + +"But that's how I always sign myself to Angela," she said; "and the Manager +distinctly told me to use my customary signature." + +"Signature--not signatures," I explained gently. "They're rooted in +convention at the Bank and can't bear the least approach to variety. And +what's this scribbled on the back of it?" + +"Oh, that's only a note I dashed off to Angela telling her what I was going +to wear. It seemed such a pity to waste a sheet of notepaper when there was +all that space to spare." + +I gave her a quarter-of-an-hour's lesson in the art of drawing cheques. +Then I took up the paying-in book which was lying on the table. I knew it +ought to be in a virgin state as I had added nothing to the entrance money. +"And what might all these figures portend?" I asked. + +"Those? Oh, that's baby's weight-chart. I'm always going to keep it there." + +Well, well, if Suzanne looks after the weighing-in I can at least control +the paying-in. And I left it at that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Brown._ "WHAT DID THEY GIVE OLD SLOWCOMBE THE O.B.E. FOR?" + +_Jones._ "THE 'OTHER BEGGARS' ENERGY,' I IMAGINE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fond Parent_ (_who has done pretty well in woollens_). +"WELL, SONNY, WE'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST EDUCATION THAT MONEY CAN +BUY. AFTER ALL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT BE A GENTLEMAN."] + + * * * * * + +IF THE ARMY ADVERTISED. + +BATTALION ORDERS. + +(1) _Duties, Officers._--Orderly Officer for to-morrow: Second-Lieutenant +W. Jenks. + +W. Jenks is prepared to undertake duty for any brother subaltern. +Terms--one day's pay, plus fifty per cent. for Saturdays or Sundays +(handsome discount for cash in advance). Sleepless activity. Guards visited +courteously but firmly. Any unusual occurrence handled with precision and +despatch. Engage W. Jenks to do your duty, then sign your report with a +clear conscience. Testimonials from all ranks. + +(2) _Parades._--0830 hours and 1130 hours, as per routine. + +Hello! Hello!! Hello!!! Come in your hundreds. Amusing and health-giving. +Bracing barrack-square; magnificent pedestrian exercise. Come and be +experimented on by Sergt.-Major Whizbang, the great military spellbinder. +See the Adjutant put Company Commanders through the hoop. Screams of +laughter at every performance. Best places in the ranks for those who +arrive early. Twice daily (Sundays excepted) till further notice. Breakfast +kept for those attending first house. + +(3) _Dress, etc., Officers._--Attention is again drawn to recent +instructions on these matters. + +Why invite trouble when the local A.P.M. is simply yearning to advise you +on points of etiquette? A kindly benevolent man who never forgets that he +himself was once a regimental officer. He will tell you whether or not you +may arm your aged grandmother across a busy London street without risking +your commission. If you favour whiskers, call and see his inimitable museum +of permissible patterns. Always at your service. + +(4) _Musketry._--The next party to fire General Musketry Course will +proceed on the 2nd prox. + +The finest form of outdoor sport (for these who prefer it to any other) is +shooting. We are making up a little party to proceed to camp next week. +Will you join us? Sylvan scenery; country air; simple wholesome diet; young +and cheery society. Cigars or cocoanuts every time you hit the bull's-eye. +Practice at stray dogs about camp is encouraged. Secure the skin of one of +these beautifully-marked creatures for your own barrack-room bedside. + +(5) _Hair, Length of._--The practice of allowing the hair to grow beyond +the regulation length must cease. + +Why suffer the inconvenience of long hair when our own regimental tonsorial +artist is waiting to bob it for you free of charge? Luxurious saloon; deft +workmanship; no tips. His speciality--memento locks. Twelve such souvenirs +guaranteed from one crop. Bald soldiers supplied to taste from surplus +clippings. A delicate, lasting and inexpensive compliment to lady friends +on leaving a station. Start collecting now. + + * * * * * + +INNS OF COURT RESERVE CORPS. + +A psychical seance of the above disembodied Corps will be held on Friday +the 26th March, in the Common Room of the Law Society in Chancery Lane (by +kind permission of the Council), commencing 7.30 P.M. + +Astral members desirous of attending should apply to their late Platoon +Sergeants, or to Mr. H.L. BOLTON, 1, The Sanctuary, Westminster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE EX-CHAMPION. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "WELCOME BACK! I'VE BEEN WANTING A SPARRING PARTNER TO +GET ME INTO CONDITION; AND YOU'RE THE VERY MAN."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, February 23rd._--The Highland Fling involves, I understand, some +complicated figures, but it is nothing to the Lowland Reel (COATS' +variety), on which subject Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES was rather badly heckled +this afternoon. A suggestion that Messrs. COATS might use the profits of +their foreign trade to reduce the price to the home consumer drove the +harassed Minister into an unconscious _mot_. "Suppose," he said, "they cut +the thread ... where should we be then?" + +[Illustration: THE TANK AND THE LITTLE BRICK. + +(MR. CHURCHILL AND CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.) + +"The tank, weighing thirty tons, is able to pass over a brick lying on the +road without crushing it. This is a very important point."--_Mr. +CHURCHILL_.] + +Mr. CHARLES PALMER, the well-known _Globe_-trotter, has just completed a +remarkable journey. Within the space of a few weeks he has traversed the +distance from the Press Gallery to the Floor of the Chamber, going round by +the Wrekin. During the last stage of the route the intrepid traveller was +accompanied by Sir HENRY DALZIEL and Mr. BOTTOMLEY. + +In introducing a Vote on Account of the Army for a trifle of seventy-four +millions the WAR MINISTER proudly announced that Britain and Germany were +the only countries in the world that had abolished conscription--and +Germany's action was not exactly voluntary. + +Mr. CHURCHILL'S description of a new tank, so fast that it could outstrip a +foxhound "over a country," so cool that even in the tropics its crew would +preserve their _sangfroid traditionnel_, and so delicately sprung that it +could run over a brick without hurting itself--or the brick--momentarily +encouraged the belief that here was the weapon to make war impossible. But +almost in the same breath Mr. CHURCHILL stated that simultaneously the War +Office had invented a rifle grenade which would put the super-tank out of +action. "As you were!" + +Criticism was not entirely disarmed. Mr. DEVLIN of course talked of +Ireland--"the only country with which the Empire is at war to-day;" and +little Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN rebuked Mr. CHURCHILL for his unfilial sneer at +"pious America," and was himself advised "not to develop more indignation +than he could contain." + +_Tuesday, February 24th._--In both Houses the new policy of the Allies in +regard to Soviet Russia was unfolded. The gist of it is that they will not +enter into diplomatic relations with the Bolshevist Government until it is +ready to adopt civilised methods, but in the meantime will heartily +encourage trade with Russia. It would seem that the practical genius of our +race has once more discovered a means of indulging sentiment without +interfering with business. + +[Illustration: THE LABOUR LORD CHANCELLOR. + +_A forecast._ + +LORD HALDANE.] + +Lord BIRKENHEAD (not BROKENHEAD, by the way, as the _Cork Constitution_, +inadvertently or not, calls him) chaffed LORD HALDANE on his "How Happy +could I be with Either" attitude between Liberalism and Labour, and advised +him definitely to be off with the old love and on with the new, in order +that when Labour came into its own the Woolsack might be adequately filled. + +Sir ALFRED MOND did not allow himself to be perturbed by the description of +certain pictures in the Imperial War Museum as "freaks" and "libels," for +he had observed "with some astonishment" that most of the art critics had +pronounced them to be very fine works of art. But when Mr. JEREMIAH +MACVEAGH asked if some of these pictures were not portraits of Cabinet +Ministers, "and if so how can they possibly be works of art?" the First +Commissioner's artistic conscience was stirred, and compelled him to give +the questioner a little instruction in first principles. "Whether a +portrait is a work of art depends," he pointed out, "on the artist and not +on the subject painted." + +The evening was devoted to drink. Sir JOHN REES, who urged the abolition of +all wartime restrictions, would have been more effective, perhaps, if he +had not striven so hard to be lively. One of his sallies, evoked by the +impending _debut_ of Lady ASTOR as a Parliamentary orator, was indeed, as +she observed, "more than polite." + +She herself had her moments of gaiety, but was best, I thought, when +seriously arguing for the continuance of the restrictions on alcohol in the +special interests of women. + +I am afraid, however, that the unregenerate were more intrigued by Mr. +CARR'S claim that the Carlisle experiment had been a great success--"it was +the only city in the country in which a man could buy a bottle of whisky to +take home." + +_Wednesday, February 25th._--Question-time in the Commons was dominated by +the news that Mr. ASQUITH was in for Paisley, and Members were more +concerned in discussing the effect of his return upon the Government and +Opposition than in listening to Ministerial replies. Sir DONALD MACLEAN was +"all smiles" over his approaching release from the responsibilities of +leadership; but Mr. HOGGE, I thought, looked rather like _Mrs. Gummidge_ +when "thinking of the old 'un." + +A nod from Mr. MACPHERSON and the Government of Ireland Bill was formally +and silently introduced--strange contrast to the long debates and exciting +scenes that attended the birth of the Bill's three predecessors in 1886, +1893 and 1912. + +Sir ROBERT HORNE explained with his usual clarity and persuasiveness the +new Unemployment Insurance Bill. The debate on it was interrupted to allow +the discussion of a motion by Sir J. REMNANT advocating the increase of +police pensions to meet the present cost of living. The police are, with +good reason, very popular with the House. In vain the HOME SECRETARY +pointed out that the Government even in this cause did not feel justified +in "out-running the constable." Forgetting all their recent zeal for +economy Members trooped into the Bobbies' Lobby and beat the Government by +123 to 57. + +[Illustration: "Whether a portrait is a work of art depends on the artist +and not on the subject painted."--_Sir A. MOND on the Imperial War Museum +Pictures_.] + +The idea that Irishmen, however much they may dislike British rule, never +miss an opportunity of raiding the British Treasury, has received a rude +shock. Captain REDMOND, inquiring about the allocation of a sum of a +quarter-of-a-million for reconstruction in Ireland, was surprised to learn +that ten thousand pounds had been allotted to his own constituency, but not +claimed. Mr. DEVLIN supplied the key to the mystery: "The reason it was not +asked for was because we did not know it was there." + +I learn from _Who's Who?_ that the recreations of Sir ALFRED MOND include +"golf, motoring and all forms of sport." It must have been with keen +regret, therefore, that he felt himself compelled to refuse facilities for +cricket in Hyde Park, owing to the risk to the public. Viscount CURZON +asked if cricket was more dangerous than inflammatory speeches. But the +FIRST COMMISSIONER, speaking no doubt from personal experience, expressed +the view that there was considerably more danger from a cricket-ball. + +The Opposition had rather bad luck on the Constantinople debate. If they +had waited till Monday, as originally arranged, they could have trained +their big gun from Paisley on to the Government entrenchments. Through +insisting on the earliest possible date, they had to content themselves +with the far lighter artillery of Sir DONALD MACLEAN. Much, however, was +hoped from Lord ROBERT CECIL, who was believed to be heavily charged with +high explosives. But before he could come into range up jumped Sir EDWARD +CARSON, and in a few brief sentences pointed out that until the PRIME +MINISTER had told them the grounds for the decision to leave the Turk his +capital, and the conditions under which he was to stay there, the House was +talking in the air. Members thereupon clamoured for the PRIME MINISTER, who +accordingly had to make his defence when he had heard only half the +indictment, and to expend most of the ammunition he had prepared for Lord +ROBERT, including some remarkable specimens of the "deadly parallel," +before receiving his adversary's fire. + +That in turn rather upset Lord ROBERT'S plan of campaign, and he was not +much more destructive than Sir DONALD MACLEAN had been. The House as a +whole seemed satisfied that the Allies had done their best with a problem +for which there is no perfect solution, and that there was at least a +chance that the SULTAN would find the guns of an international fleet +pointing at his palace windows a strong incentive to good behaviour. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER LADY M.P.? + + "Mr. Asquith was accompanied by Mrs. Asquith and the audience singing + 'He's a jolly good Lady Bonham-Carter.'"--_Scotch Paper._ + + * * * * * + +A FANCY BIRD. + +When any friend of mine is in trouble I always make a point of writing and +asking if there is anything I can do. As a rule, there isn't, but it is a +satisfaction to me to know I have made the offer. When I heard that Filmer +was leaving his spacious house and grounds at Hampstead, selling half his +furniture and moving into a third storey flat at Battersea, I wrote at +once. I received in reply one of his usual barely decipherable scrawls: +"Yes, old dear, you might find a home for my raven; it's ancient and a bit +rusty, but lots of life in it yet. I'm parting with all my garden things." + +I busied myself about the matter at once. When a man you have known and +respected for years is driven by high prices and income-tax to vacate a +beautiful home and asks such a simple thing of you as to find a shelter for +his bird, you like to do your best. Personally I knew nothing of ravens, +but I recognized the inadequacy of my garden for the accommodation of a +bird of any kind, therefore I could not think of taking it. But I had a +surface acquaintance with the owner of a carriage drive, and I approached +him without delay. He was cold in his manner and said with so many calls +upon him he could not see his way to contribute towards the expense of +Filmer's move, although he had no doubt, from my representation, that it +was a deserving case. + +The misunderstanding arose from my leading up to the object of my visit +gradually instead of coming to the point at once and asking him to give a +comfortable home to a raven. When I explained further he unbent and said he +would think it over. + +Later he wrote:-- + +_Re_ RAVEN. + +"DEAR SIR,--I have consulted an authority on this bird and find that its +bad character has brought about its practical extinction in this country +save in the mountain fastnesses of Wales and the craggy moors of Yorkshire. +I also learn that its extended wings measure thirty-six inches on an +average. I must decline to provide an asylum for such an extensive mass of +depravity." + +I confess I was discouraged and also somewhat shocked. I felt Filmer should +have enlightened me more on the characteristics of his _protege_. The +episode taught me to avoid preamble in my next quest for a domicile. Also I +thought it only right to express myself with absolute frankness. The +address of a lady with a reputation for a love of animals was given to me, +and I hastened to call upon her. She answered the door herself. + +"Madam," I said, "may I ask you of your kind heart to give a home to an +almost extinct bird of evil character about a yard across?" + +She looked startled for a moment and then quietly closed the door. + +I was still further discouraged. I felt bound in honour to comply, if +possible, with Filmer's comparatively simple request. By chance I ran +across Timberley, a man brimful of resource and suggestion. "You want a +brewery," he said; "that's the _milieu_ for a raven. To my mind no brewery +is artistically complete without one. A raven hopping about the casks gives +a _je ne sais quoi_, a _cachet_, to the premises. You should get an +introduction to a manager." + +With some difficulty I did, and I waited upon him in his private office. He +seemed immersed in business and asked me to be seated in such a brusque +manner that I had no alternative but to remain standing. + +"I must apologise for trespassing upon your valuable time, but it has been +suggested to me that no brewery is complete without a raven--" I began, +stammering slightly from nervousness. + +"Well, we've got one. What about it?" he said. + +In face of this unlooked-for development I could do nothing but bow and +retire. + +After this third failure to house the bird I threw convention to the winds +and took to accosting utter strangers in the street with, "Will you have a +raven?" I went rides in trams and tubes and canvassed the passengers. "Not +to-day, thank you," was the response, save in a few instances. One man +invited me to ask him again and he would do me in. A lady to whom I +propounded the query as we were descending the moving staircase side by +side precipitated herself forward with such haste that but for the +intervening travellers she must have fallen headlong to the bottom. The +mother of a family to whom I appealed shook her head politely and said she +was obliged to me for the offer, but it was hard enough to pay for +butcher's meat; she couldn't afford poultry. + +Then at last, all my efforts having failed, I reluctantly took my pen and +wrote to Filmer. In reply I received another of his scrawls:-- + +"What's this about a raven? Don't let it grow on you. The Victory Croquet +Club is taking my ROLLER, L7 carriage forward. I gave L3 10s. for it +second-hand ten years ago. + +"N.B.--I had great difficulty in reading your writing. Don't cultivate +illegibility; it's tiresome for your friends." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NO, THIS IS NOT A CELEBRATED COMEDIAN TELLING A FUNNY STORY; +IT'S MERELY A PRIVATE CITIZEN THREATENING TO REPORT TO THE PROFITEERING +COMMITTEE.] + + * * * * * + + "Referring to charges of drunkenness the Chairman said there were 13 + men and five women fined for drunkenness and residing at Chiswick."-- + _Local Paper._ + +To reside at Chiswick may be an eccentricity, but surely is not an offence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "COME, GENTS, HOW MUCH FOR THESE DOZEN +BRACES?" + +_Tommy._ "CAN'T TAKE MORE'N ELEVEN, GUV'NOR. LOST MY SECOND-BEST EVENING +TROUSERS ON THE SOMME."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"JOHN FERGUSON." + +After the unsatisfying theatre-diet which has fallen to me of late I was +doubly glad to get my teeth into Mr. St. JOHN ERVINE'S good meaty ration at +the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith. His theme is as old and new as Job. _John +Ferguson_ is a saintly Ulster farmer, apostle of the doctrine of non- +resistance (rare type in those parts, I understand) and eager justifier of +the ways of God to men. _Ferguson's_ beloved farm is mortgaged; foreclosure +imminent. Help is confidently expected from brother _Andrew_ in America, +but does not come. Daughter _Hannah_, sent with a message to the brutal +mortgagee, is outraged by him. Prospective son-in-law _James_, man of great +words but little heart, rushes into the night to kill the ravisher. But it +is silent son _Andrew_ (destined for the ministry) who does the killing, +because he knows _James_ to be a craven. + +_John Ferguson_ urges confidently the will of God that _James_, whom he +believes blood-guilty, should not avoid arrest, and refuses to hide him. +But when young _Andrew_ insists on giving himself up to save _James_ and +his own peace the old man's faith, weakened, falters; he protests in his +anguish, but rallies to accept this last blow from the hand of God--made +none the easier to bear by the arrival, just a fatal fortnight late, of the +money from his brother, a forgetful sort of man, who had mistaken the date +of the mail. The tragic irony of the whole is skilfully heightened by the +fact that it is half-witted "_Clutie_," with his penny whistle and his +random words, who goads young _Andrew_ to his vengeance. + +A grim tale finely (perhaps just a little too diffusely) told and admirably +presented. Mr. ERVINE'S most effective stroke was, I think, the character +of _James Caesar_, with his pathetic yet revolting self-condemnation, +interpreted with a real mastery of art without artifice by Mr. J.M. +KERRIGAN, of the old band of "Irish Players." Miss MOYNA MACGILL (a name +new to me) played her _Hannah_ with an exquisite sincerity and restraint. A +particular moment when, from her hysterical laughter at the careful choice +made by her father's God of the moment for the arrival of the money, she +breaks into a passionate "It's not right! It's not just!" was very fine. +The whole character was skilfully built up. The part by no means played +itself. + +Mr. HERBERT MARSHALL'S _Andrew_ was also an excellent performance. Was it +quite right, however, that the morning after the murder he should appear so +completely unruffled? (I admit I don't know my Ulster intimately). I rather +think that Mr. MILES MALLESON'S well-studied "_Clutie_" might have been a +little less coherent, with more fawning in his manner. He seemed something +too normal for his purpose in the piece. The way in which the other +characters staved off his piping was beyond all praise. I should guess, +from specimens submitted, that his repertory was not extensive. + +Mr. REA, as the father, was of course competent, but surely a little +overplacid throughout. He accepted the blow of his daughter's dishonour +with scarcely a sign that submission caused him any serious pang--a seeming +indifference shared by Miss MAIRE O'NEILL (_Hannah's_ mother), who appeared +quite untroubled a few minutes after the harrowing relation, and indeed +seemed throughout to be playing too easily. Mr. RAYMOND VALENTINE had a +"fat" part as the villain, and well and fatly he played it. + +I realise more than ever the difficulties of an Irish Settlement. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR ANIMAL ARTIST, AFTER A HARD DAY AT THE ZOO, GOES HOME IN +A NON-SMOKER AND FALLS ASLEEP.] + +[Illustration: HE SLEEPS SO SOUNDLY THAT THE ENTRY OF A BIG-GAME HUNTER'S +FAMILY FAILS TO DISTURB HIM.] + +[Illustration: THE ROAR OF A PASSING TRAIN FITS IN WITH HIS DREAMS OF WILD +ANIMALS, AND--HE WAKES!] + + * * * * * + +FAME. + +For a long time past I had felt that something ought to be done about it, +and then one evening as I opened my paper in the Tube I came suddenly upon +the following paragraph:-- + +"Lunching yesterday with Jack Poppington at the Bitz, where, by the way, M. +Caramel treated us to a superbly priceless _mousse a la Canadienne_, he +told me that his _Little Pests_ is selling like wildfire and proving a real +bonanza to the lucky publishers, Messrs. Painter and Lilley. Had a pleasant +chat with him about old times in the Army Pay Corps, in which we served +together for nearly sixteen months during one of the hottest periods of +hostilities 'out yonder.' More famous amongst the general public for his +black ribboned tortoiseshell monocle and invariable presence at all truly +semi-smart Bohemian functions, Poppington keeps a brindled bulldog, grows +primulas and is, of course, known to a select circle as the energetic +Organising Secretary of the North Battersea Entomological Society." + +The letterpress which I have quoted above was headed "Popular Pap" and +formed a kind of frame for a photograph of Mr. Poppington, which seemed to +show that his luncheon at the Bitz had not really agreed with him after +all, and at the bottom of the column I noted the familiar signature of +"_Marchand du Beurre_." + +As usual when I read paragraphs of this kind I first of all blushed +guiltily and glanced round to see whether anyone had noticed how eagerly I +was drinking it all in. Then I put on the faint superior smile of +recognition which I felt that the situation obviously demanded. Good old +Poppington! One of the best. What recollections it stirred! _Marchand_ and +he and I-- + +When I left the Tube I carefully crumpled the paper up and threw it away, +and in the middle of dinner I took care to remark casually to Araminta, "By +the way, I suppose you put _Little Pests_ on the library list?" + +"Awfully sorry," she said, "but I'm afraid I hadn't heard of them." + +"Poppington's latest," I said curtly. + +"I'm afraid I haven't heard of Poppington either." + +I gave a sigh of desperation and leant back in my chair. + +"Well, really!" I protested. "Surely the man himself--everybody--I +mean--his--his eye-glass--his bulldog--of course only a few of us fully +appreciate the extent of his actual research work--but still--" + +"All right, I'll get it," she replied. + +That finished off Araminta easily enough, but the situation none the less +was serious. Paragraphs exactly like this had been meeting my eye in almost +every popular paper for month after month, and, though I use two memory +systems and have an electric scalp shampoo each week, I find them +increasingly difficult to cope with. _Who's Which_ already transgresses the +established canons of literary art. It is almost as tall lying down as +standing up, and fellows like Poppington are not even in _Who's Which_. He +had not, you observed, even obtained an O.B.E. What would happen if I met +him at some public gathering or dinner and by some awful mischance forgot +those salient facts? + +It appeared to me that a process for reproducing short biographies of this +nature in a slightly larger type on the shirt-fronts of eminent personages +was badly needed; it should be coupled, I felt, with an arrangement of +periscopes to help one when sitting beside the great man or standing behind +his back. Or he might perhaps wear upon his sleeve something like the +divisional signs which were so useful in France. Old Poppington, for +instance, might have a--might wear an--I mean there might be something or +other on his coat in red or green or blue to indicate the nature and scope +of his secretarial activities and give a fellow the right lead. And to +think that every week dozens and dozens of new Poppingtons are springing up +like crocuses about me! It was a bewildering thought. They were becoming +perhaps the most numerous and influential class in the community. I had +visions of mass meetings of "well-known" men--"well-known" men marching in +procession with flags to Downing Street to demand State recognition, +statues and pensions, and insisting that it should be made a penal offence +not to recognise their well-known features in the street. I made a great +resolve. Why should I be left out of it? I determined to join the crowd. + +I had got rather out of touch with old _Marchand_ for some time, and had +indeed forgotten exactly what he looked like, but I persuaded a mutual +friend to point him out to me, and, selecting the psychological moment, +cannoned into him heavily in the street. His spectacles dropped off and his +note-book fell out of his hand. + +"Why, if it isn't _Du Beurre_!" I shouted, feigning an ecstatic surprise. + +"I am sorry," he said rather stiffly, when he had recovered his breath, +"but I am afraid I haven't the pleasure--" + +"I am John Smith," I said. + +"I am afraid I still--" + +"Allow me to tell you all about myself," I said. And I did. + +I was a little nervous as to how he would take it, but the event justified +me. When I opened my paper next evening I found the following words:-- + +"Ran across John Smith of Ravenscourt Park yesterday afternoon. Chatting +with him about one thing and another, he told me something of the methods +he has employed to bring about his present celebrity in that salubrious +suburb. He has never, it appears, written a book, collaborated in a review, +appeared in a night-club, lunched at the Bitz, sat on a committee, or been +summoned as a witness in a sensational divorce case. His record, I fancy, +must be one of the most thoroughly unique in Greater London." + +There was no photograph of John Smith, but, biting partly into this +paragraph and partly into another on the opposite side of the column, was +one of Mortimer Despenser, the new film star, featured in _Scented Sin_, +which really did almost as well. Dear old _Du Beurre_! + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +MUSIC A LA MODE. + + There was a young singer whose moans + Struck a chill to her auditors' bones; + So she had to explain + That she wasn't in pain, + But was trying to sing quarter-tones. + + There once was a basso, a swain + Who came from the rolling Ukraine; + He could sing double D + From breakfast till tea + Without any symptom of strain. + + There was a benevolent peer + Who wished to make Art less severe, + So he learned the Jazz drum + And bids fair to become + The black man's most terrible fear. + + There once was a critic whose bane + Was his dread of a style that was plain, + So, resolved to refresh us, + He strove to be precious, + But sank to the nether inane. + + * * * * * + + "AMATEUR SNOOKER POOL CHAMPIONSHIP: S.H. FRY DEFLATED."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +It was noticed even during the Billiard competition that he never really +got the wind up. + + * * * * * + + "The chief obstacle to the development of water-power is usually the + question of finance, and if the scheme will not hold water from that + point of view it is not likely to float."--_Electrical Review._ + +And if it holds too much water it is certain to sink. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_Irishman_ (_discussing "roarer" recently purchased by P.-W.S._). "VERY +WELL KNOWN, SHE WAS, WID THE WARD UNION STAG HOUNDS. THE BOYS USED TO CALL +HER 'THE WIDDA,' FOR WHY THEY SAID YE COULD ALWAYS HEAR HER SOBBIN' AFTHER +THE DEER DEPARTED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Undeniably Mr. CARADOC EVANS is the bold boy. No doubt you remember (since +they are so difficult to forget) the two volumes in which he dealt +faithfully (and a bit over) with the manners of his countrymen in the land +of their fathers. I have heard, and can well believe, that some of Mr. +EVANS' own people were moved by this tribute even to the extent of +threatening its author with personal violence. And now he has turned from +Welsh Wales to English London, and gives us in _My Neighbours_ (MELROSE) a +further collection of sketches pleasantly calculated to prove that the +general detestability of his compatriots remains unchanged by their +migration from a whitewashed cottage to a villa in Suburbia. Whatever you +may think of Mr. EVANS' work, whether it attracts or violently repels, +there can be no question of its devastating skill. His sketches, no more +than a few pages in length, contain never an idle word, and the phrases +bite like vitriol. Moreover he employs an idiom that is (I conjecture) a +direct transcription from native speech, which adds enormously to the +effect. Understand me, not for worlds would I commend these volumes +haphazard to the fastidious; I only say they are clever, arresting and +violently individual. Also that, if you have not so far met the work of Mr. +EVANS, here is your opportunity, in a volume that shows it at its best, or +worst. Half-an-hour's reading will give you an excellent idea of it. At the +end of that time you will probably send either to the chemist for a +restorative or to the bookseller for the two previous volumes. Meanwhile, +if I were the writer, I should purchase a bulldog. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. GEORGE WEMYSS has for some time past specialised in spinster-aunts, +bachelor-uncles and charming nieces. In _Oranges and Lemons_ (CONSTABLE) +she introduces us pleasantly to some more. The plot, in fact, is chiefly +concerned with the violent squabbles of an uncle and aunt, who belong to +different sides of the family, for the good graces of _Diana_ (who is +nineteen, or thereabouts, and radiant), and _Shant_, (who says so--just +like that--and is five). There are also several young men. To test his +abilities in the _Admirable Crichton_ line _Diana_ maroons the most +favoured of these, together with three other aspirants to her hand, and her +bachelor uncle, on an island in a Scottish loch, hamperless, on a soft day. +As the affections of all the lovers remain undimmed, you can guess what +kind of a girl _Diana_ must have been. _Shant's_ even more responsible job +is to tumble off a pony and allay the temporary tartness which existed +between her two elderly admirers, so that nothing but oranges and +orange-blossoms remain. Really, of course, none of the story much matters. +But if you want the sensation of having stayed with delightful people in +delightful places, where rising prices are not even mentioned or thought +of, Mrs. WEMYSS can give it you all the time. + + * * * * * + +_Night and Day_ (DUCKWORTH) is the title of VIRGINIA WOOLF'S last book; but +there is no night for the author's clarity of vision, or her cleverness in +describing every detail she has seen, or her delicate precision of style; +there is only daylight, temperate, pervading, but at times, I am afraid, +almost irritatingly calm. "Give me one indiscretion of sympathy or emotion +on behalf of your characters," the reader is tempted to implore her; "let +me feel that you are a little bit excited about them and I shall feel +excited too." The story, after all, is the simple one (to put it in the +shudderingly crude language of former days) of a girl's change of heart +from an unreal love to one of whose sincerity she eventually convinces +herself. _Katharine Hilbery_, the granddaughter of a great poet, brought up +by a father whose only interest is in literature, and a charming mother who +wanders in fields of Victorian romance, breaks off her engagement with a +civil servant who has more taste than talent for letters, and chooses +instead a man slightly below her in social position, but with firmness and +decision of character and genuine skill in--what? Ironmongery? No, +literature. All through the book I found myself wondering whether a mind so +finely tempered as _Katharine's_, a perception so acute, was really fitted +for anything so commonplace as, after all, love is. And I longed for the +authoress, who explained every mood so amazingly well, to explain this too. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. NORRIS is evidently a specialist in unconventional situations. In her +last novel her theme was the intrigue between a man and his step-mother. In +_Sisters_ (MURRAY) it is the passion of a man for his living wife's married +sister, and in neither case does the author seem to be conscious of +anything out of the ordinary. Not that there is any air of naughtiness +about the business. _Peter_, a rich cripple, loved _Cherry_, the youngest +and prettiest of the three _Strickland_ girls. But _Martin_, a casual +impecunious stranger, stepped in and took her in one bite before _Peter_ +could quite realise she was no longer a child. So in default he married +_Alix_, who was, incidentally, worth six of her. Meeting his _Cherry_, +disillusioned about an unsatisfactory and unsuccessful _Martin_, he reaches +out his hand for this forbidden fruit. Whereupon _Alix_, the selfless, +drives herself and _Martin_ over a cliff by way of making things smooth for +_Peter_ and _Cherry_, which was inconsiderate, if resourceful; for, while +_Alix_ is happily killed, poor _Martin_ only breaks his back, so that all +may end with the balance on the credit side of the Recording Angel's ledger +with _Cherry_ nursing her hopeless invalid. An unlikely story, pleasantly +and competently told. + + * * * * * + +My appreciation of _The Ancient Allan_ (CASSELL) may be measured by my keen +disappointment on finding that the concluding pages of the book were absent +in the copy vouchsafed to me, and that (apparently) in their place a double +dose of pages 279-294 was offered. Nevertheless I can safely assert that +you will find this a yarn worth reading, for here Sir RIDER HAGGARD is in +as good form as ever he was, when both he and _Allan Quatermain_ were +younger. _Lady Ragnall_, who is an old friend to readers of _The Ivory +Child_, reappears here, having in her possession a mysterious and potent +herb, which she persuades _Allan_ to inhale. Then the fun takes on a great +liveliness. _Allan_ is wafted back to the days when Egypt was under the +domination of the Persians, and he in his ancient existence performed some +of the very doughtiest of deeds. No one living can tell such a tale with a +greater dexterity and zest than Sir RIDER. And at that I will leave it, +with one more regret that I was not allowed to be present when _Allan_ +recovered from the effects of Taduki (the herb that did it). + + * * * * * + +I find that when the medicine of thought is wrapped up in the jam of +fiction I generally take both more willingly than either alone. But if my +author, holding out the spoonful, protests that the jam isn't jam at all +but part of the dose, then my mouth does not open with quite its usual +happy confidence. Miss W.M. LETTS has said something of the sort about her +great little book, _Corporal's Corner_ (WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON), and I wish +she hadn't. It is cast in the form of letters written by a soldier in +hospital to a nurse who has been good to him and whose lover has been +killed at the Front. Miss Letts introduces it with a foreword which conveys +the impression that a real _Corporal Jack_ wrote these letters to a real +nurse; but the letters themselves convince--or very nearly convince--me +that the foreword itself is a mere device of authorship, and one which +defeats its own intention of adding weight to the wise and tender and often +humorous things the writer has to say. From his own death-bed _Corporal +Jack_, together with his own love-story and that of his chum _Mac_, writes +what he can of comfort to his friend, and whether his hand or Miss LETTS'S +held the pen the book is the work of someone who knows all about sorrow, +and only the initiated--who must be many for a decade to come--will know +quite how well it is done. + + * * * * * + +Of the late Mr. NOEL ROSS, who, to the infinite loss of British journalism, +died at the early age of twenty-seven, Mr. Punch cannot trust himself to +speak with the cold detachment of the critic. He saw life with the clear +eye of happy youth and set it down with the easy pen of a ready writer. +Coming from New Zealand, through the War, to England, his natural talents +were at once recognised, and he won a position for himself on the staff of +_The Times_. In the leisure moments spared from the service of the Old Lady +of Printing House Square, he would crack a jest, now and then, with the Old +Sage of Bouverie Street. Mr. EDWIN ARNOLD now publishes a collection of his +writings under the title, _Noel Ross and His Work_, and Mr. Punch confines +himself to commending the volume to his readers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOUVENIR-HUNTERS OF THE PAST. + +SIR ISAAC NEWTON'S APPLE.] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, March 3rd, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16563.txt or 16563.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/6/16563/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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