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diff --git a/1870.txt b/1870.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..12c2351 --- /dev/null +++ b/1870.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2977 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Reginald in Russia, by Saki + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Reginald in Russia + and Other Sketches + + +Author: Saki + + + +Release Date: September 12, 2010 [eBook #1870] +First Posted: January, 8, 1999 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REGINALD IN RUSSIA*** + + +This etext was prepared from the 1910 Methuen and Co. edition by Jane +Duff; proofed by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf + + + + +BY THE SAME AUTHOR +REGINALD + + + "He is a delightful person. One would not like a rich and + octogenarian uncle to suppose that Reginald was one's ideal of + conduct and conversion. Yet there is sometimes reason in his + paradoxical frivolities, and justice in his practical + performances."--_Morning Post_. + + "The book, by reason of its sustained brilliance, may be likened to a + Brock's Benefit at the Crystal Palace."--_Athenaeum_. + + "Mr. H. H. Munro ('Saki') has one of the lightest and most + entertaining touches of the humorists of the day . . . The book is + admirable comedy and free from malice and bad taste."--_Queen_. + + "We feel sure that those who have already made Reginald's + acquaintance will be glad to renew it, and that those who know him + not will not regret it if they add him to the list of their + fictitious (albeit very real) acquaintances, not to say + friends."--_Westminster Gazette_. + + + + + + REGINALD IN + RUSSIA + + + AND OTHER SKETCHES + + BY + SAKI + (H. H. MUNRO) + + * * * * * + + METHUEN & CO. + 36 ESSEX STREET W.C. + LONDON + + _First Published in 1910_. + + TO + M. V. P. + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +REGINALD IN RUSSIA 1 +THE RETICENCE OF LADY ANNE 7 +THE LOST SANJAK 13 +THE SEX THAT DOESN'T SHOP 25 +THE BLOOD-FEUD OF TOAD-WATER 31 +A YOUNG TURKISH CATASTROPHE 38 +JUDKIN OF THE PARCELS 42 +GABRIEL-ERNEST 47 +THE SAINT AND THE GOBLIN 60 +THE SOUL OF LAPLOSHKA 66 +THE BAG 75 +THE STRATEGIST 85 +CROSS CURRENTS 94 +THE BAKER'S DOZEN (A PLAYLET) 106 +THE MOUSE 116 + + "_The Baker's Dozen_" _originally appeared in_ "_The Journal of the +Leinster Regiment_." _The other sketches have appeared from time to time +in the_ "_Westminster Gazette_." _To the Editors of these publications I + am indebted for courteous permission to reproduce the stories in their + present form_. + + + + +REGINALD IN RUSSIA + + +Reginald sat in a corner of the Princess's salon and tried to forgive the +furniture, which started out with an obvious intention of being Louis +Quinze, but relapsed at frequent intervals into Wilhelm II. + +He classified the Princess with that distinct type of woman that looks as +if it habitually went out to feed hens in the rain. + +Her name was Olga; she kept what she hoped and believed to be a +fox-terrier, and professed what she thought were Socialist opinions. It +is not necessary to be called Olga if you are a Russian Princess; in +fact, Reginald knew quite a number who were called Vera; but the +fox-terrier and the Socialism are essential. + +"The Countess Lomshen keeps a bull-dog," said the Princess suddenly. "In +England is it more chic to have a bull-dog than a fox-terrier?" + +Reginald threw his mind back over the canine fashions of the last ten +years and gave an evasive answer. + +"Do you think her handsome, the Countess Lomshen?" asked the Princess. + +Reginald thought the Countess's complexion suggested an exclusive diet of +macaroons and pale sherry. He said so. + +"But that cannot be possible," said the Princess triumphantly; "I've seen +her eating fish-soup at Donon's." + +The Princess always defended a friend's complexion if it was really bad. +With her, as with a great many of her sex, charity began at homeliness +and did not generally progress much farther. + +Reginald withdrew his macaroon and sherry theory, and became interested +in a case of miniatures. + +"That?" said the Princess; "that is the old Princess Lorikoff. She lived +in Millionaya Street, near the Winter Palace, and was one of the Court +ladies of the old Russian school. Her knowledge of people and events was +extremely limited; but she used to patronise every one who came in +contact with her. There was a story that when she died and left the +Millionaya for Heaven she addressed St. Peter in her formal staccato +French: 'Je suis la Princesse Lor-i-koff. Il me donne grand plaisir a +faire votre connaissance. Je vous en prie me presenter au Bon Dieu.' +St. Peter made the desired introduction, and the Princess addressed le +Bon Dieu: 'Je suis la Princesse Lor-i-koff. Il me donne grand plaisir a +faire votre connaissance. On a souvent parle de vous a l'eglise de la +rue Million.'" + +"Only the old and the clergy of Established churches know how to be +flippant gracefully," commented Reginald; "which reminds me that in the +Anglican Church in a certain foreign capital, which shall be nameless, I +was present the other day when one of the junior chaplains was preaching +in aid of distressed somethings or other, and he brought a really +eloquent passage to a close with the remark, 'The tears of the afflicted, +to what shall I liken them--to diamonds?' The other junior chaplain, who +had been dozing out of professional jealousy, awoke with a start and +asked hurriedly, 'Shall I play to diamonds, partner?' It didn't improve +matters when the senior chaplain remarked dreamily but with painful +distinctness, 'Double diamonds.' Every one looked at the preacher, half +expecting him to redouble, but he contented himself with scoring what +points he could under the circumstances." + +"You English are always so frivolous," said the Princess. "In Russia we +have too many troubles to permit of our being light-hearted." + +Reginald gave a delicate shiver, such as an Italian greyhound might give +in contemplating the approach of an ice age of which he personally +disapproved, and resigned himself to the inevitable political discussion. + +"Nothing that you hear about us in England is true," was the Princess's +hopeful beginning. + +"I always refused to learn Russian geography at school," observed +Reginald; "I was certain some of the names must be wrong." + +"Everything is wrong with our system of government," continued the +Princess placidly. "The Bureaucrats think only of their pockets, and the +people are exploited and plundered in every direction, and everything is +mismanaged." + +"With us," said Reginald, "a Cabinet usually gets the credit of being +depraved and worthless beyond the bounds of human conception by the time +it has been in office about four years." + +"But if it is a bad Government you can turn it out at the elections," +argued the Princess. + +"As far as I remember, we generally do," said Reginald. + +"But here it is dreadful, every one goes to such extremes. In England +you never go to extremes." + +"We go to the Albert Hall," explained Reginald. + +"There is always a see-saw with us between repression and violence," +continued the Princess; "and the pity of it is the people are really not +in the least inclined to be anything but peaceable. Nowhere will you +find people more good-natured, or family circles where there is more +affection." + +"There I agree with you," said Reginald. "I know a boy who lives +somewhere on the French Quay who is a case in point. His hair curls +naturally, especially on Sundays, and he plays bridge well, even for a +Russian, which is saying much. I don't think he has any other +accomplishments, but his family affection is really of a very high order. +When his maternal grandmother died he didn't go as far as to give up +bridge altogether, but he declared on nothing but black suits for the +next three months. That, I think, was really beautiful." + +The Princess was not impressed. + +"I think you must be very self-indulgent and live only for amusement," +she said, "a life of pleasure-seeking and card-playing and dissipation +brings only dissatisfaction. You will find that out some day." + +"Oh, I know it turns out that way sometimes," assented Reginald. +"Forbidden fizz is often the sweetest." + +But the remark was wasted on the Princess, who preferred champagne that +had at least a suggestion of dissolved barley-sugar. + +"I hope you will come and see me again," she said, in a tone that +prevented the hope from becoming too infectious; adding as a happy +afterthought, "you must come to stay with us in the country." + +Her particular part of the country was a few hundred versts the other +side of Tamboff, with some fifteen miles of agrarian disturbance between +her and the nearest neighbour. Reginald felt that there is some privacy +which should be sacred from intrusion. + + + + +THE RETICENCE OF LADY ANNE + + +Egbert came into the large, dimly lit drawing-room with the air of a man +who is not certain whether he is entering a dovecote or a bomb factory, +and is prepared for either eventuality. The little domestic quarrel over +the luncheon-table had not been fought to a definite finish, and the +question was how far Lady Anne was in a mood to renew or forgo +hostilities. Her pose in the arm-chair by the tea-table was rather +elaborately rigid; in the gloom of a December afternoon Egbert's +pince-nez did not materially help him to discern the expression of her +face. + +By way of breaking whatever ice might be floating on the surface he made +a remark about a dim religious light. He or Lady Anne were accustomed to +make that remark between 4.30 and 6 on winter and late autumn evenings; +it was a part of their married life. There was no recognised rejoinder +to it, and Lady Anne made none. + +Don Tarquinio lay astretch on the Persian rug, basking in the firelight +with superb indifference to the possible ill-humour of Lady Anne. His +pedigree was as flawlessly Persian as the rug, and his ruff was coming +into the glory of its second winter. The page-boy, who had Renaissance +tendencies, had christened him Don Tarquinio. Left to themselves, Egbert +and Lady Anne would unfailingly have called him Fluff, but they were not +obstinate. + +Egbert poured himself out some tea. As the silence gave no sign of +breaking on Lady Anne's initiative, he braced himself for another Yermak +effort. + +"My remark at lunch had a purely academic application," he announced; +"you seem to put an unnecessarily personal significance into it." + +Lady Anne maintained her defensive barrier of silence. The bullfinch +lazily filled in the interval with an air from _Iphigenie en Tauride_. +Egbert recognised it immediately, because it was the only air the +bullfinch whistled, and he had come to them with the reputation for +whistling it. Both Egbert and Lady Anne would have preferred something +from _The Yeomen of the Guard_, which was their favourite opera. In +matters artistic they had a similarity of taste. They leaned towards the +honest and explicit in art, a picture, for instance, that told its own +story, with generous assistance from its title. A riderless warhorse +with harness in obvious disarray, staggering into a courtyard full of +pale swooning women, and marginally noted "Bad News", suggested to their +minds a distinct interpretation of some military catastrophe. They could +see what it was meant to convey, and explain it to friends of duller +intelligence. + +The silence continued. As a rule Lady Anne's displeasure became +articulate and markedly voluble after four minutes of introductory +muteness. Egbert seized the milk-jug and poured some of its contents +into Don Tarquinio's saucer; as the saucer was already full to the brim +an unsightly overflow was the result. Don Tarquinio looked on with a +surprised interest that evanesced into elaborate unconsciousness when he +was appealed to by Egbert to come and drink up some of the spilt matter. +Don Tarquinio was prepared to play many roles in life, but a vacuum +carpet-cleaner was not one of them. + +"Don't you think we're being rather foolish?" said Egbert cheerfully. + +If Lady Anne thought so she didn't say so. + +"I dare say the fault has been partly on my side," continued Egbert, with +evaporating cheerfulness. "After all, I'm only human, you know. You +seem to forget that I'm only human." + +He insisted on the point, as if there had been unfounded suggestions that +he was built on Satyr lines, with goat continuations where the human left +off. + +The bullfinch recommenced its air from _Iphigenie en Tauride_. Egbert +began to feel depressed. Lady Anne was not drinking her tea. Perhaps +she was feeling unwell. But when Lady Anne felt unwell she was not wont +to be reticent on the subject. "No one knows what I suffer from +indigestion" was one of her favourite statements; but the lack of +knowledge can only have been caused by defective listening; the amount of +information available on the subject would have supplied material for a +monograph. + +Evidently Lady Anne was not feeling unwell. + +Egbert began to think he was being unreasonably dealt with; naturally he +began to make concessions. + +"I dare say," he observed, taking as central a position on the hearth-rug +as Don Tarquinio could be persuaded to concede him, "I may have been to +blame. I am willing, if I can thereby restore things to a happier +standpoint, to undertake to lead a better life." + +He wondered vaguely how it would be possible. Temptations came to him, +in middle age, tentatively and without insistence, like a neglected +butcher-boy who asks for a Christmas box in February for no more hopeful +reason that than he didn't get one in December. He had no more idea of +succumbing to them than he had of purchasing the fish-knives and fur boas +that ladies are impelled to sacrifice through the medium of advertisement +columns during twelve months of the year. Still, there was something +impressive in this unasked-for renunciation of possibly latent +enormities. + +Lady Anne showed no sign of being impressed. + +Egbert looked at her nervously through his glasses. To get the worst of +an argument with her was no new experience. To get the worst of a +monologue was a humiliating novelty. + +"I shall go and dress for diner," he announced in a voice into which he +intended some shade of sternness to creep. + +At the door a final access of weakness impelled him to make a further +appeal. + +"Aren't we being very silly?" + +"A fool" was Don Tarquinio's mental comment as the door closed on +Egbert's retreat. Then he lifted his velvet forepaws in the air and +leapt lightly on to a bookshelf immediately under the bullfinch's cage. +It was the first time he had seemed to notice the bird's existence, but +he was carrying out a long-formed theory of action with the precision of +mature deliberation. The bullfinch, who had fancied himself something of +a despot, depressed himself of a sudden into a third of his normal +displacement; then he fell to a helpless wing-beating and shrill +cheeping. He had cost twenty-seven shillings without the cage, but Lady +Anne made no sign of interfering. She had been dead for two hours. + + + + +THE LOST SANJAK + + +The prison Chaplain entered the condemned's cell for the last time, to +give such consolation as he might. + +"The only consolation I crave for," said the condemned, "is to tell my +story in its entirety to some one who will at least give it a respectful +hearing." + +"We must not be too long over it," said the Chaplain, looking at his +watch. + +The condemned repressed a shiver and commenced. + +"Most people will be of opinion that I am paying the penalty of my own +violent deeds. In reality I am a victim to a lack of specialisation in +my education and character." + +"Lack of specialisation!" said the Chaplain. + +"Yes. If I had been known as one of the few men in England familiar with +the fauna of the Outer Hebrides, or able to repeat stanzas of Camoens' +poetry in the original, I should have had no difficulty in proving my +identity in the crisis when my identity became a matter of life and death +for me. But my education was merely a moderately good one, and my +temperament was of the general order that avoids specialisation. I know +a little in a general way about gardening and history and old masters, +but I could never tell you off-hand whether 'Stella van der Loopen' was a +chrysanthemum or a heroine of the American War of Independence, or +something by Romney in the Louvre." + +The Chaplain shifted uneasily in his seat. Now that the alternatives had +been suggested they all seemed dreadfully possible. + +"I fell in love, or thought I did, with the local doctor's wife," +continued the condemned. "Why I should have done so, I cannot say, for I +do not remember that she possessed any particular attractions of mind or +body. On looking back at past events if seems to me that she must have +been distinctly ordinary, but I suppose the doctor had fallen in love +with her once, and what man had done man can do. She appeared to be +pleased with the attentions which I paid her, and to that extent I +suppose I might say she encouraged me, but I think she was honestly +unaware that I meant anything more than a little neighbourly interest. +When one is face to face with Death one wishes to be just." + +The Chaplain murmured approval. "At any rate, she was genuinely +horrified when I took advantage of the doctor's absence one evening to +declare what I believed to be my passion. She begged me to pass out of +her life, and I could scarcely do otherwise than agree, though I hadn't +the dimmest idea of how it was to be done. In novels and plays I knew it +was a regular occurrence, and if you mistook a lady's sentiments or +intentions you went off to India and did things on the frontier as a +matter of course. As I stumbled along the doctor's carriage-drive I had +no very clear idea as to what my line of action was to be, but I had a +vague feeling that I must look at the _Times_ Atlas before going to bed. +Then, on the dark and lonely highway, I came suddenly on a dead body." + +The Chaplain's interest in the story visibly quickened. + +"Judging by the clothes it wore, the corpse was that of a Salvation Army +captain. Some shocking accident seemed to have struck him down, and the +head was crushed and battered out of all human semblance. Probably, I +thought, a motor-car fatality; and then, with a sudden overmastering +insistence, came another thought, that here was a remarkable opportunity +for losing my identity and passing out of the life of the doctor's wife +for ever. No tiresome and risky voyage to distant lands, but a mere +exchange of clothes and identity with the unknown victim of an +unwitnessed accident. With considerable difficulty I undressed the +corpse, and clothed it anew in my own garments. Any one who has valeted +a dead Salvation Army captain in an uncertain light will appreciate the +difficulty. With the idea, presumably, of inducing the doctor's wife to +leave her husband's roof-tree for some habitation which would be run at +my expense, I had crammed my pockets with a store of banknotes, which +represented a good deal of my immediate worldly wealth. When, therefore, +I stole away into the world in the guise of a nameless Salvationist, I +was not without resources which would easily support so humble a role for +a considerable period. I tramped to a neighbouring market-town, and, +late as the hour was, the production of a few shillings procured me +supper and a night's lodging in a cheap coffee-house. The next day I +started forth on an aimless course of wandering from one small town to +another. I was already somewhat disgusted with the upshot of my sudden +freak; in a few hours' time I was considerably more so. In the +contents-bill of a local news sheet I read the announcement of my own +murder at the hands of some person unknown; on buying a copy of the paper +for a detailed account of the tragedy, which at first had aroused in me a +certain grim amusement, I found that the deed ascribed to a wandering +Salvationist of doubtful antecedents, who had been seen lurking in the +roadway near the scene of the crime. I was no longer amused. The matter +promised to be embarrassing. What I had mistaken for a motor accident +was evidently a case of savage assault and murder, and, until the real +culprit was found, I should have much difficulty in explaining my +intrusion into the affair. Of course I could establish my own identity; +but how, without disagreeably involving the doctor's wife, could I give +any adequate reason for changing clothes with the murdered man? While my +brain worked feverishly at this problem, I subconsciously obeyed a +secondary instinct--to get as far away as possible from the scene of the +crime, and to get rid at all costs of my incriminating uniform. There I +found a difficulty. I tried two or three obscure clothes shops, but my +entrance invariably aroused an attitude of hostile suspicion in the +proprietors, and on one excuse or another they avoided serving me with +the now ardently desired change of clothing. The uniform that I had so +thoughtlessly donned seemed as difficult to get out of as the fatal shirt +of--You know, I forget the creature's name." + +"Yes, yes," said the Chaplain hurriedly. "Go on with your story." + +"Somehow, until I could get out of those compromising garments, I felt it +would not be safe to surrender myself to the police. The thing that +puzzled me was why no attempt was made to arrest me, since there was no +question as to the suspicion which followed me, like an inseparable +shadow, wherever I went. Stares, nudgings, whisperings, and even +loud-spoken remarks of 'that's 'im' greeted my every appearance, and the +meanest and most deserted eating-house that I patronised soon became +filled with a crowd of furtively watching customers. I began to +sympathise with the feeling of Royal personages trying to do a little +private shopping under the unsparing scrutiny of an irrepressible public. +And still, with all this inarticulate shadowing, which weighed on my +nerves almost worse than open hostility would have done, no attempt was +made to interfere with my liberty. Later on I discovered the reason. At +the time of the murder on the lonely highway a series of important +bloodhound trials had been taking place in the near neighbourhood, and +some dozen and a half couples of trained animals had been put on the +track of the supposed murderer--on my track. One of our most +public-spirited London dailies had offered a princely prize to the owner +of the pair that should first track me down, and betting on the chances +of the respective competitors became rife throughout the land. The dogs +ranged far and wide over about thirteen counties, and though my own +movements had become by this time perfectly well-known to police and +public alike, the sporting instincts of the nation stepped in to prevent +my premature arrest. "Give the dogs a chance," was the prevailing +sentiment, whenever some ambitious local constable wished to put an end +to my drawn-out evasion of justice. My final capture by the winning pair +was not a very dramatic episode, in fact, I'm not sure that they would +have taken any notice of me if I hadn't spoken to them and patted them, +but the event gave rise to an extraordinary amount of partisan +excitement. The owner of the pair who were next nearest up at the finish +was an American, and he lodged a protest on the ground that an otterhound +had married into the family of the winning pair six generations ago, and +that the prize had been offered to the first pair of bloodhounds to +capture the murderer, and that a dog that had 1/64th part of otterhound +blood in it couldn't technically be considered a bloodhound. I forget +how the matter was ultimately settled, but it aroused a tremendous amount +of acrimonious discussion on both sides of the Atlantic. My own +contribution to the controversy consisted in pointing out that the whole +dispute was beside the mark, as the actual murderer had not yet been +captured; but I soon discovered that on this point there was not the +least divergence of public or expert opinion. I had looked forward +apprehensively to the proving of my identity and the establishment of my +motives as a disagreeable necessity; I speedily found out that the most +disagreeable part of the business was that it couldn't be done. When I +saw in the glass the haggard and hunted expression which the experiences +of the past few weeks had stamped on my erstwhile placid countenance, I +could scarcely feel surprised that the few friends and relations I +possessed refused to recognise me in my altered guise, and persisted in +their obstinate but widely shared belief that it was I who had been done +to death on the highway. To make matters worse, infinitely worse, an +aunt of the really murdered man, an appalling female of an obviously low +order of intelligence, identified me as her nephew, and gave the +authorities a lurid account of my depraved youth and of her laudable but +unavailing efforts to spank me into a better way. I believe it was even +proposed to search me for fingerprints." + +"But," said the Chaplain, "surely your educational attainments--" + +"That was just the crucial point," said the condemned; "that was where my +lack of specialisation told so fatally against me. The dead +Salvationist, whose identity I had so lightly and so disastrously +adopted, had possessed a veneer of cheap modern education. It should +have been easy to demonstrate that my learning was on altogether another +plane to his, but in my nervousness I bungled miserably over test after +test that was put to me. The little French I had ever known deserted me; +I could not render a simple phrase about the gooseberry of the gardener +into that language, because I had forgotten the French for gooseberry." + +The Chaplain again wriggled uneasily in his seat. "And then," resumed +the condemned, "came the final discomfiture. In our village we had a +modest little debating club, and I remembered having promised, chiefly, I +suppose, to please and impress the doctor's wife, to give a sketchy kind +of lecture on the Balkan Crisis. I had relied on being able to get up my +facts from one or two standard works, and the back-numbers of certain +periodicals. The prosecution had made a careful note of the circumstance +that the man whom I claimed to be--and actually was--had posed locally as +some sort of second-hand authority on Balkan affairs, and, in the midst +of a string of questions on indifferent topics, the examining counsel +asked me with a diabolical suddenness if I could tell the Court the +whereabouts of Novibazar. I felt the question to be a crucial one; +something told me that the answer was St. Petersburg or Baker Street. I +hesitated, looked helplessly round at the sea of tensely expectant faces, +pulled myself together, and chose Baker Street. And then I knew that +everything was lost. The prosecution had no difficulty in demonstrating +that an individual, even moderately versed in the affairs of the Near +East, could never have so unceremoniously dislocated Novibazar from its +accustomed corner of the map. It was an answer which the Salvation Army +captain might conceivably have made--and I made it. The circumstantial +evidence connecting the Salvationist with the crime was overwhelmingly +convincing, and I had inextricably identified myself with the +Salvationist. And thus it comes to pass that in ten minutes' time I +shall be hanged by the neck until I am dead in expiation of the murder of +myself, which murder never took place, and of which, in any case, I am +innocent." + + * * * * * + +When the Chaplain returned to his quarters some fifteen minutes later, +the black flag was floating over the prison tower. Breakfast was waiting +for him in the dining-room, but he first passed into his library, and, +taking up the _Times_ Atlas, consulted a map of the Balkan Peninsula. "A +thing like that," he observed, closing the volume with a snap, "might +happen to any one." + + + + +THE SEX THAT DOESN'T SHOP + + +The opening of a large new centre for West End shopping, particularly +feminine shopping, suggests the reflection, Do women ever really shop? +Of course, it is a well-attested fact that they go forth shopping as +assiduously as a bee goes flower-visiting, but do they shop in the +practical sense of the word? Granted the money, time, and energy, a +resolute course of shopping transactions would naturally result in having +one's ordinary domestic needs unfailingly supplied, whereas it is +notorious that women servants (and housewives of all classes) make it +almost a point of honour not to be supplied with everyday necessities. +"We shall be out of starch by Thursday," they say with fatalistic +foreboding, and by Thursday they are out of starch. They have predicted +almost to a minute the moment when their supply would give out and if +Thursday happens to be early closing day their triumph is complete. A +shop where starch is stored for retail purposes possibly stands at their +very door, but the feminine mind has rejected such an obvious source for +replenishing a dwindling stock. "We don't deal there" places it at once +beyond the pale of human resort. And it is noteworthy that, just as a +sheep-worrying dog seldom molests the flocks in his near neighbourhood, +so a woman rarely deals with shops in her immediate vicinity. The more +remote the source of supply the more fixed seems to be the resolve to run +short of the commodity. The Ark had probably not quitted its last +moorings five minutes before some feminine voice gloatingly recorded a +shortage of bird-seed. A few days ago two lady acquaintances of mine +were confessing to some mental uneasiness because a friend had called +just before lunch-time, and they had been unable to ask her to stop and +share their meal, as (with a touch of legitimate pride) "there was +nothing in the house." I pointed out that they lived in a street that +bristled with provision shops and that it would have been easy to +mobilise a very passable luncheon in less than five minutes. "That," +they said with quiet dignity, "would not have occurred to us," and I felt +that I had suggested something bordering on the indecent. + +But it is in catering for her literary wants that a woman's shopping +capacity breaks down most completely. If you have perchance produced a +book which has met with some little measure of success, you are certain +to get a letter from some lady whom you scarcely known to bow to, asking +you "how it can be got." She knows the name of the book, its author, and +who published it, but how to get into actual contact with it is still an +unsolved problem to her. You write back pointing out that to have +recourse to an ironmonger or a corn-dealer will only entail delay and +disappointment, and suggest an application to a bookseller as the most +hopeful thing you can think of. In a day or two she writes again: "It is +all right; I have borrowed it from your aunt." Here, of course, we have +an example of the Beyond-Shopper, one who has learned the Better Way, but +the helplessness exists even when such bypaths of relief are closed. A +lady who lives in the West End was expressing to me the other day her +interest in West Highland terriers, and her desire to know more about the +breed, so when, a few days later, I came across an exhaustive article on +that subject in the current number of one of our best known outdoor-life +weeklies, I mentioned that circumstance in a letter, giving the date of +that number. "I cannot get the paper," was her telephoned response. And +she couldn't. She lived in a city where newsagents are numbered, I +suppose, by the thousand, and she must have passed dozens of such shops +in her daily shopping excursions, but as far as she was concerned that +article on West Highland terriers might as well have been written in a +missal stored away in some Buddhist monastery in Eastern Thibet. + +The brutal directness of the masculine shopper arouses a certain +combative derision in the feminine onlooker. A cat that spreads one +shrew-mouse over the greater part of a long summer afternoon, and then +possibly loses him, doubtless feels the same contempt for the terrier who +compresses his rat into ten seconds of the strenuous life. I was +finishing off a short list of purchases a few afternoons ago when I was +discovered by a lady of my acquaintance whom, swerving aside from the +lead given us by her godparents thirty years ago, we will call Agatha. + +"You're surely not buying blotting-paper _here_?" she exclaimed in an +agitated whisper, and she seemed so genuinely concerned that I stayed my +hand. + +"Let me take you to Winks and Pinks," she said as soon as we were out of +the building: "they've got such lovely shades of blotting-paper--pearl +and heliotrope and _momie_ and crushed--" + +"But I want ordinary white blotting-paper," I said. + +"Never mind. They know me at Winks and Pinks," she replied +inconsequently. Agatha apparently has an idea that blotting-paper is +only sold in small quantities to persons of known reputation, who may be +trusted not to put it to dangerous or improper uses. After walking some +two hundred yards she began to feel that her tea was of more immediate +importance than my blotting-paper. + +"What do you want blotting-paper for?" she asked suddenly. I explained +patiently. + +"I use it to dry up the ink of wet manuscript without smudging the +writing. Probably a Chinese invention of the second century before +Christ, but I'm not sure. The only other use for it that I can think of +is to roll it into a ball for a kitten to play with." + +"But you haven't got a kitten," said Agatha, with a feminine desire for +stating the entire truth on most occasions. + +"A stray one might come in at any moment," I replied. + +Anyway, I didn't get the blotting-paper. + + + + +THE BLOOD-FEUD OF TOAD-WATER +A WEST-COUNTRY EPIC + + +The Cricks lived at Toad-Water; and in the same lonely upland spot Fate +had pitched the home of the Saunderses, and for miles around these two +dwellings there was never a neighbour or a chimney or even a +burying-ground to bring a sense of cheerful communion or social +intercourse. Nothing but fields and spinneys and barns, lanes and +waste-lands. Such was Toad-Water; and, even so, Toad-Water had its +history. + +Thrust away in the benighted hinterland of a scattered market district, +it might have been supposed that these two detached items of the Great +Human Family would have leaned towards one another in a fellowship +begotten of kindred circumstances and a common isolation from the outer +world. And perhaps it had been so once, but the way of things had +brought it otherwise. Indeed, otherwise. Fate, which had linked the two +families in such unavoidable association of habitat, had ordained that +the Crick household should nourish and maintain among its earthly +possessions sundry head of domestic fowls, while to the Saunderses was +given a disposition towards the cultivation of garden crops. Herein lay +the material, ready to hand, for the coming of feud and ill-blood. For +the grudge between the man of herbs and the man of live stock is no new +thing; you will find traces of it in the fourth chapter of Genesis. And +one sunny afternoon in late spring-time the feud came--came, as such +things mostly do come, with seeming aimlessness and triviality. One of +the Crick hens, in obedience to the nomadic instincts of her kind, +wearied of her legitimate scratching-ground, and flew over the low wall +that divided the holdings of the neighbours. And there, on the yonder +side, with a hurried consciousness that her time and opportunities might +be limited, the misguided bird scratched and scraped and beaked and +delved in the soft yielding bed that had been prepared for the solace and +well-being of a colony of seedling onions. Little showers of earth-mould +and root-fibres went spraying before the hen and behind her, and every +minute the area of her operations widened. The onions suffered +considerably. Mrs. Saunders, sauntering at this luckless moment down the +garden path, in order to fill her soul with reproaches at the iniquity of +the weeds, which grew faster than she or her good man cared to remove +them, stopped in mute discomfiture before the presence of a more +magnificent grievance. And then, in the hour of her calamity, she turned +instinctively to the Great Mother, and gathered in her capacious hands +large clods of the hard brown soil that lay at her feet. With a terrible +sincerity of purpose, though with a contemptible inadequacy of aim, she +rained her earth bolts at the marauder, and the bursting pellets called +forth a flood of cackling protest and panic from the hastily departing +fowl. Calmness under misfortune is not an attribute of either hen-folk +or womenkind, and while Mrs. Saunders declaimed over her onion bed such +portions of the slang dictionary as are permitted by the Nonconformist +conscience to be said or sung, the Vasco da Gama fowl was waking the +echoes of Toad-Water with crescendo bursts of throat music which +compelled attention to her griefs. Mrs. Crick had a long family, and was +therefore licensed, in the eyes of her world, to have a short temper, and +when some of her ubiquitous offspring had informed her, with the +authority of eye-witnesses, that her neighbour had so far forgotten +herself as to heave stones at her hen--her best hen, the best layer in +the countryside--her thoughts clothed themselves in language "unbecoming +to a Christian woman"--so at least said Mrs. Saunders, to whom most of +the language was applied. Nor was she, on her part, surprised at Mrs. +Crick's conduct in letting her hens stray into other body's gardens, and +then abusing of them, seeing as how she remembered things against Mrs. +Crick--and the latter simultaneously had recollections of lurking +episodes in the past of Susan Saunders that were nothing to her credit. +"Fond memory, when all things fade we fly to thee," and in the paling +light of an April afternoon the two women confronted each other from +their respective sides of the party wall, recalling with shuddering +breath the blots and blemishes of their neighbour's family record. There +was that aunt of Mrs. Crick's who had died a pauper in Exeter +workhouse--every one knew that Mrs. Saunders' uncle on her mother's side +drank himself to death--then there was that Bristol cousin of Mrs. +Crick's! From the shrill triumph with which his name was dragged in, his +crime must have been pilfering from a cathedral at least, but as both +remembrancers were speaking at once it was difficult to distinguish his +infamy from the scandal which beclouded the memory of Mrs. Saunders' +brother's wife's mother--who may have been a regicide, and was certainly +not a nice person as Mrs. Crick painted her. And then, with an air of +accumulating and irresistible conviction, each belligerent informed the +other that she was no lady--after which they withdrew in a great silence, +feeling that nothing further remained to be said. The chaffinches +clinked in the apple trees and the bees droned round the berberis bushes, +and the waning sunlight slanted pleasantly across the garden plots, but +between the neighbour households had sprung up a barrier of hate, +permeating and permanent. + +The male heads of the families were necessarily drawn into the quarrel, +and the children on either side were forbidden to have anything to do +with the unhallowed offspring of the other party. As they had to travel +a good three miles along the same road to school every day, this was +awkward, but such things have to be. Thus all communication between the +households was sundered. Except the cats. Much as Mrs. Saunders might +deplore it, rumour persistently pointed to the Crick he-cat as the +presumable father of sundry kittens of which the Saunders she-cat was +indisputably the mother. Mrs. Saunders drowned the kittens, but the +disgrace remained. + +Summer succeeded spring, and winter summer, but the feud outlasted the +waning seasons. Once, indeed, it seemed as though the healing influences +of religion might restore to Toad-Water its erstwhile peace; the hostile +families found themselves side by side in the soul-kindling atmosphere of +a Revival Tea, where hymns were blended with a beverage that came of +tea-leaves and hot water and took after the latter parent, and where +ghostly counsel was tempered by garnishings of solidly fashioned +buns--and here, wrought up by the environment of festive piety, Mrs. +Saunders so far unbent as to remark guardedly to Mrs. Crick that the +evening had been a fine one. Mrs. Crick, under the influence of her +ninth cup of tea and her fourth hymn, ventured on the hope that it might +continue fine, but a maladroit allusion on the part of the Saunders good +man to the backwardness of garden crops brought the Feud stalking forth +from its corner with all its old bitterness. Mrs. Saunders joined +heartily in the singing of the final hymn, which told of peace and joy +and archangels and golden glories; but her thoughts were dwelling on the +pauper aunt of Exeter. + +Years have rolled away, and some of the actors in this wayside drama have +passed into the Unknown; other onions have arisen, have flourished, have +gone their way, and the offending hen has long since expiated her +misdeeds and lain with trussed feet and a look of ineffable peace under +the arched roof of Barnstaple market. + +But the Blood-feud of Toad-Water survives to this day. + + + + +A YOUNG TURKISH CATASTROPHE +IN TWO SCENES + + +The Minister for Fine Arts (to whose Department had been lately added the +new sub-section of Electoral Engineering) paid a business visit to the +Grand Vizier. According to Eastern etiquette they discoursed for a while +on indifferent subjects. The minister only checked himself in time from +making a passing reference to the Marathon Race, remembering that the +Vizier had a Persian grandmother and might consider any allusion to +Marathon as somewhat tactless. Presently the Minister broached the +subject of his interview. + +"Under the new Constitution are women to have votes?" he asked suddenly. + +"To have votes? Women?" exclaimed the Vizier in some astonishment. "My +dear Pasha, the New Departure has a flavour of the absurd as it is; don't +let's try and make it altogether ridiculous. Women have no souls and no +intelligence; why on earth should they have votes?" + +"I know it sounds absurd," said the Minister, "but they are seriously +considering the idea in the West." + +"Then they must have a larger equipment of seriousness than I gave them +credit for. After a lifetime of specialised effort in maintaining my +gravity I can scarcely restrain an inclination to smile at the +suggestion. Why, out womenfolk in most cases don't know how to read or +write. How could they perform the operation of voting?" + +"They could be shown the names of the candidates and where to make their +cross." + +"I beg your pardon?" interrupted the Vizier. + +"Their crescent, I mean," corrected the Minister. "It would be to the +liking of the Young Turkish Party," he added. + +"Oh, well," said the Vizier, "if we are to do the thing at all we may as +well go the whole h---" he pulled up just as he was uttering the name of +an unclean animal, and continued, "the complete camel. I will issue +instructions that womenfolk are to have votes." + + * * * * * + +The poll was drawing to a close in the Lakoumistan division. The +candidate of the Young Turkish Party was known to be three or four +hundred votes ahead, and he was already drafting his address, returning +thanks to the electors. His victory had been almost a foregone +conclusion, for he had set in motion all the approved electioneering +machinery of the West. He had even employed motorcars. Few of his +supporters had gone to the poll in these vehicles, but, thanks to the +intelligent driving of his chauffeurs, many of his opponents had gone to +their graves or to the local hospitals, or otherwise abstained from +voting. And then something unlooked-for happened. The rival candidate, +Ali the Blest, arrived on the scene with his wives and womenfolk, who +numbered, roughly, six hundred. Ali had wasted little effort on election +literature, but had been heard to remark that every vote given to his +opponent meant another sack thrown into the Bosphorus. The Young Turkish +candidate, who had conformed to the Western custom of one wife and hardly +any mistresses, stood by helplessly while his adversary's poll swelled to +a triumphant majority. + +"Cristabel Columbus!" he exclaimed, invoking in some confusion the name +of a distinguished pioneer; "who would have thought it?" + +"Strange," mused Ali, "that one who harangued so clamorously about the +Secret Ballot should have overlooked the Veiled Vote." + +And, walking homeward with his constituents, he murmured in his beard an +improvisation on the heretic poet of Persia: + + "One, rich in metaphors, his Cause contrives + To urge with edged words, like Kabul knives; + And I, who worst him in this sorry game, + Was never rich in anything but--wives." + + + + +JUDKIN OF THE PARCELS + + +A figure in an indefinite tweed suit, carrying brown-paper parcels. That +is what we met suddenly, at the bend of a muddy Dorsetshire lane, and the +roan mare stared and obviously thought of a curtsey. The mare is +road-shy, with intervals of stolidity, and there is no telling what she +will pass and what she won't. We call her Redford. That was my first +meeting with Judkin, and the next time the circumstances were the same; +the same muddy lane, the same rather apologetic figure in the tweed suit, +the same--or very similar--parcels. Only this time the roan looked +straight in front of her. + +Whether I asked the groom or whether he advanced the information, I +forget; but someway I gradually reconstructed the life-history of this +trudger of the lanes. It was much the same, no doubt, as that of many +others who are from time to time pointed out to one as having been +aforetime in crack cavalry regiments and noted performers in the saddle; +men who have breathed into their lungs the wonder of the East, have +romped through life as through a cotillon, have had a thrust perhaps at +the Viceroy's Cup, and done fantastic horsefleshy things around the Gulf +of Aden. And then a golden stream has dried up, the sunlight has faded +suddenly out of things, and the gods have nodded "Go." And they have not +gone. They have turned instead to the muddy lanes and cheap villas and +the marked-down ills of life, to watch pear trees growing and to +encourage hens for their eggs. And Judkin was even as these others; the +wine had been suddenly spilt from his cup of life, and he had stayed to +suck at the dregs which the wise throw away. In the days of his scorn +for most things he would have stared the roan mare and her turn-out out +of all pretension to smartness, as he would have frozen a cheap claret +behind its cork, or a plain woman behind her veil; and now he was walking +stoically through the mud, in a tweed suit that would eventually go on to +the gardener's boy, and would perhaps fit him. The dear gods, who know +the end before the beginning, were perhaps growing a gardener's boy +somewhere to fit the garments, and Judkin was only a caretaker, +inhabiting a portion of them. That is what I like to think, and I am +probably wrong. And Judkin, whose clothes had been to him once more than +a religion, scarcely less sacred than a family quarrel, would carry those +parcels back to his villa and to the wife who awaited him and them--a +wife who may, for all we know to the contrary, have had a figure once, +and perhaps has yet a heart of gold--of nine-carat gold, let us say at +the least--but assuredly a soul of tape. And he that has fetched and +carried will explain how it has fared with him in his dealings, and if he +has brought the wrong sort of sugar or thread he will wheedle away the +displeasure from that leaden face as a pastrycook girl will drive +bluebottles off a stale bun. And that man has known what it was to coax +the fret of a thoroughbred, to soothe its toss and sweat as it danced +beneath him in the glee and chafe of its pulses and the glory of its +thews. He has been in the raw places of the earth, where the desert +beasts have whimpered their unthinkable psalmody, and their eyes have +shone back the reflex of the midnight stars--and he can immerse himself +in the tending of an incubator. It is horrible and wrong, and yet when I +have met him in the lanes his face has worn a look of tedious +cheerfulness that might pass for happiness. Has Judkin of the Parcels +found something in the lees of life that I have missed in going to and +fro over many waters? Is there more wisdom in his perverseness than in +the madness of the wise? The dear gods know. + +I don't think I saw Judkin more than three times all told, and always the +lane was our point of contact; but as the roan mare was taking me to the +station one heavy, cloud-smeared day, I passed a dull-looking villa that +the groom, or instinct, told me was Judkin's home. From beyond a hedge +of ragged elder-bushes could be heard the thud, thud of a spade, with an +occasional clink and pause, as if some one had picked out a stone and +thrown it to a distance, and I knew that _he_ was doing nameless things +to the roots of a pear tree. Near by him, I felt sure, would be lying a +large and late vegetable marrow, and its largeness and lateness would be +a theme of conversation at luncheon. It would be suggested that it +should grace the harvest thanksgiving service; the harvest having been so +generally unsatisfactory, it would be unfair to let the farmers supply +all the material for rejoicing. + +And while I was speeding townwards along the rails Judkin would be +plodding his way to the vicarage bearing a vegetable marrow and a +basketful of dahlias. The basket to be returned. + + + + +GABRIEL-ERNEST + + +"There is a wild beast in your woods," said the artist Cunningham, as he +was being driven to the station. It was the only remark he had made +during the drive, but as Van Cheele had talked incessantly his +companion's silence had not been noticeable. + +"A stray fox or two and some resident weasels. Nothing more formidable," +said Van Cheele. The artist said nothing. + +"What did you mean about a wild beast?" said Van Cheele later, when they +were on the platform. + +"Nothing. My imagination. Here is the train," said Cunningham. + +That afternoon Van Cheele went for one of his frequent rambles through +his woodland property. He had a stuffed bittern in his study, and knew +the names of quite a number of wild flowers, so his aunt had possibly +some justification in describing him as a great naturalist. At any rate, +he was a great walker. It was his custom to take mental notes of +everything he saw during his walks, not so much for the purpose of +assisting contemporary science as to provide topics for conversation +afterwards. When the bluebells began to show themselves in flower he +made a point of informing every one of the fact; the season of the year +might have warned his hearers of the likelihood of such an occurrence, +but at least they felt that he was being absolutely frank with them. + +What Van Cheele saw on this particular afternoon was, however, something +far removed from his ordinary range of experience. On a shelf of smooth +stone overhanging a deep pool in the hollow of an oak coppice a boy of +about sixteen lay asprawl, drying his wet brown limbs luxuriously in the +sun. His wet hair, parted by a recent dive, lay close to his head, and +his light-brown eyes, so light that there was an almost tigerish gleam in +them, were turned towards Van Cheele with a certain lazy watchfulness. +It was an unexpected apparition, and Van Cheele found himself engaged in +the novel process of thinking before he spoke. Where on earth could this +wild-looking boy hail from? The miller's wife had lost a child some two +months ago, supposed to have been swept away by the mill-race, but that +had been a mere baby, not a half-grown lad. + +"What are you doing there?" he demanded. + +"Obviously, sunning myself," replied the boy. + +"Where do you live?" + +"Here, in these woods." + +"You can't live in the woods," said Van Cheele. + +"They are very nice woods," said the boy, with a touch of patronage in +his voice. + +"But where do you sleep at night?" + +"I don't sleep at night; that's my busiest time." + +Van Cheele began to have an irritated feeling that he was grappling with +a problem that was eluding him. + +"What do you feed on?" he asked. + +"Flesh," said the boy, and he pronounced the word with slow relish, as +though he were tasting it. + +"Flesh! What Flesh?" + +"Since it interests you, rabbits, wild-fowl, hares, poultry, lambs in +their season, children when I can get any; they're usually too well +locked in at night, when I do most of my hunting. It's quite two months +since I tasted child-flesh." + +Ignoring the chaffing nature of the last remark Van Cheele tried to draw +the boy on the subject of possible poaching operations. + +"You're talking rather through your hat when you speak of feeding on +hares." (Considering the nature of the boy's toilet the simile was +hardly an apt one.) "Our hillside hares aren't easily caught." + +"At night I hunt on four feet," was the somewhat cryptic response. + +"I suppose you mean that you hunt with a dog?" hazarded Van Cheele. + +The boy rolled slowly over on to his back, and laughed a weird low laugh, +that was pleasantly like a chuckle and disagreeably like a snarl. + +"I don't fancy any dog would be very anxious for my company, especially +at night." + +Van Cheele began to feel that there was something positively uncanny +about the strange-eyed, strange-tongued youngster. + +"I can't have you staying in these woods," he declared authoritatively. + +"I fancy you'd rather have me here than in your house," said the boy. + +The prospect of this wild, nude animal in Van Cheele's primly ordered +house was certainly an alarming one. + +"If you don't go. I shall have to make you," said Van Cheele. + +The boy turned like a flash, plunged into the pool, and in a moment had +flung his wet and glistening body half-way up the bank where Van Cheele +was standing. In an otter the movement would not have been remarkable; +in a boy Van Cheele found it sufficiently startling. His foot slipped as +he made an involuntarily backward movement, and he found himself almost +prostrate on the slippery weed-grown bank, with those tigerish yellow +eyes not very far from his own. Almost instinctively he half raised his +hand to his throat. They boy laughed again, a laugh in which the snarl +had nearly driven out the chuckle, and then, with another of his +astonishing lightning movements, plunged out of view into a yielding +tangle of weed and fern. + +"What an extraordinary wild animal!" said Van Cheele as he picked himself +up. And then he recalled Cunningham's remark "There is a wild beast in +your woods." + +Walking slowly homeward, Van Cheele began to turn over in his mind +various local occurrences which might be traceable to the existence of +this astonishing young savage. + +Something had been thinning the game in the woods lately, poultry had +been missing from the farms, hares were growing unaccountably scarcer, +and complaints had reached him of lambs being carried off bodily from the +hills. Was it possible that this wild boy was really hunting the +countryside in company with some clever poacher dogs? He had spoken of +hunting "four-footed" by night, but then, again, he had hinted strangely +at no dog caring to come near him, "especially at night." It was +certainly puzzling. And then, as Van Cheele ran his mind over the +various depredations that had been committed during the last month or +two, he came suddenly to a dead stop, alike in his walk and his +speculations. The child missing from the mill two months ago--the +accepted theory was that it had tumbled into the mill-race and been swept +away; but the mother had always declared she had heard a shriek on the +hill side of the house, in the opposite direction from the water. It was +unthinkable, of course, but he wished that the boy had not made that +uncanny remark about child-flesh eaten two months ago. Such dreadful +things should not be said even in fun. + +Van Cheele, contrary to his usual wont, did not feel disposed to be +communicative about his discovery in the wood. His position as a parish +councillor and justice of the peace seemed somehow compromised by the +fact that he was harbouring a personality of such doubtful repute on his +property; there was even a possibility that a heavy bill of damages for +raided lambs and poultry might be laid at his door. At dinner that night +he was quite unusually silent. + +"Where's your voice gone to?" said his aunt. "One would think you had +seen a wolf." + +Van Cheele, who was not familiar with the old saying, thought the remark +rather foolish; if he _had_ seen a wolf on his property his tongue would +have been extraordinarily busy with the subject. + +At breakfast next morning Van Cheele was conscious that his feeling of +uneasiness regarding yesterday's episode had not wholly disappeared, and +he resolved to go by train to the neighbouring cathedral town, hunt up +Cunningham, and learn from him what he had really seen that had prompted +the remark about a wild beast in the woods. With this resolution taken, +his usual cheerfulness partially returned, and he hummed a bright little +melody as he sauntered to the morning-room for his customary cigarette. +As he entered the room the melody made way abruptly for a pious +invocation. Gracefully asprawl on the ottoman, in an attitude of almost +exaggerated repose, was the boy of the woods. He was drier than when Van +Cheele had last seen him, but no other alteration was noticeable in his +toilet. + +"How dare you come here?" asked Van Cheele furiously. + +"You told me I was not to stay in the woods," said the boy calmly. + +"But not to come here. Supposing my aunt should see you!" + +And with a view to minimising that catastrophe, Van Cheele hastily +obscured as much of his unwelcome guest as possible under the folds of a +_Morning Post_. At that moment his aunt entered the room. + +"This is a poor boy who has lost his way--and lost his memory. He +doesn't know who he is or where he comes from," explained Van Cheele +desperately, glancing apprehensively at the waif's face to see whether he +was going to add inconvenient candour to his other savage propensities. + +Miss Van Cheele was enormously interested. + +"Perhaps his underlinen is marked," she suggested. + +"He seems to have lost most of that, too," said Van Cheele, making +frantic little grabs at the _Morning Post_ to keep it in its place. + +A naked homeless child appealed to Miss Van Cheele as warmly as a stray +kitten or derelict puppy would have done. + +"We must do all we can for him," she decided, and in a very short time a +messenger, dispatched to the rectory, where a page-boy was kept, had +returned with a suit of pantry clothes, and the necessary accessories of +shirt, shoes, collar, etc. Clothed, clean, and groomed, the boy lost +none of his uncanniness in Van Cheele's eyes, but his aunt found him +sweet. + +"We must call him something till we know who he really is," she said. +"Gabriel-Ernest, I think; those are nice suitable names." + +Van Cheele agreed, but he privately doubted whether they were being +grafted on to a nice suitable child. His misgivings were not diminished +by the fact that his staid and elderly spaniel had bolted out of the +house at the first incoming of the boy, and now obstinately remained +shivering and yapping at the farther end of the orchard, while the +canary, usually as vocally industrious as Van Cheele himself, had put +itself on an allowance of frightened cheeps. More than ever he was +resolved to consult Cunningham without loss of time. + +As he drove off to the station his aunt was arranging that Gabriel-Ernest +should help her to entertain the infant members of her Sunday-school +class at tea that afternoon. + +Cunningham was not at first disposed to be communicative. + +"My mother died of some brain trouble," he explained, "so you will +understand why I am averse to dwelling on anything of an impossibly +fantastic nature that I may see or think that I have seen." + +"But what _did_ you see?" persisted Van Cheele. + +"What I thought I saw was something so extraordinary that no really sane +man could dignify it with the credit of having actually happened. I was +standing, the last evening I was with you, half-hidden in the +hedge-growth by the orchard gate, watching the dying glow of the sunset. +Suddenly I became aware of a naked boy, a bather from some neighbouring +pool, I took him to be, who was standing out on the bare hillside also +watching the sunset. His pose was so suggestive of some wild faun of +Pagan myth that I instantly wanted to engage him as a model, and in +another moment I think I should have hailed him. But just then the sun +dipped out of view, and all the orange and pink slid out of the +landscape, leaving it cold and grey. And at the same moment an +astounding thing happened--the boy vanished too!" + +"What! vanished away into nothing?" asked Van Cheele excitedly. + +"No; that is the dreadful part of it," answered the artist; "on the open +hillside where the boy had been standing a second ago, stood a large +wolf, blackish in colour, with gleaming fangs and cruel, yellow eyes. +You may think--" + +But Van Cheele did not stop for anything as futile as thought. Already +he was tearing at top speed towards the station. He dismissed the idea +of a telegram. "Gabriel-Ernest is a werewolf" was a hopelessly +inadequate effort at conveying the situation, and his aunt would think it +was a code message to which he had omitted to give her the key. His one +hope was that he might reach home before sundown. The cab which he +chartered at the other end of the railway journey bore him with what +seemed exasperating slowness along the country roads, which were pink and +mauve with the flush of the sinking sun. His aunt was putting away some +unfinished jams and cake when he arrived. + +"Where is Gabriel-Ernest?" he almost screamed. + +"He is taking the little Toop child home," said his aunt. "It was +getting so late, I thought it wasn't safe to let it go back alone. What +a lovely sunset, isn't it?" + +But Van Cheele, although not oblivious of the glow in the western sky, +did not stay to discuss its beauties. At a speed for which he was +scarcely geared he raced along the narrow lane that led to the home of +the Toops. On one side ran the swift current of the mill-stream, on the +other rose the stretch of bare hillside. A dwindling rim of red sun +showed still on the skyline, and the next turning must bring him in view +of the ill-assorted couple he was pursuing. Then the colour went +suddenly out of things, and a grey light settled itself with a quick +shiver over the landscape. Van Cheele heard a shrill wail of fear, and +stopped running. + +Nothing was ever seen again of the Toop child or Gabriel-Ernest, but the +latter's discarded garments were found lying in the road so it was +assumed that the child had fallen into the water, and that the boy had +stripped and jumped in, in a vain endeavour to save it. Van Cheele and +some workmen who were near by at the time testified to having heard a +child scream loudly just near the spot where the clothes were found. +Mrs. Toop, who had eleven other children, was decently resigned to her +bereavement, but Miss Van Cheele sincerely mourned her lost foundling. +It was on her initiative that a memorial brass was put up in the parish +church to "Gabriel-Ernest, an unknown boy, who bravely sacrificed his +life for another." + +Van Cheele gave way to his aunt in most things, but he flatly refused to +subscribe to the Gabriel-Ernest memorial. + + + + +THE SAINT AND THE GOBLIN + + +The little stone Saint occupied a retired niche in a side aisle of the +old cathedral. No one quite remembered who he had been, but that in a +way was a guarantee of respectability. At least so the Goblin said. The +Goblin was a very fine specimen of quaint stone carving, and lived up in +the corbel on the wall opposite the niche of the little Saint. He was +connected with some of the best cathedral folk, such as the queer +carvings in the choir stalls and chancel screen, and even the gargoyles +high up on the roof. All the fantastic beasts and manikins that sprawled +and twisted in wood or stone or lead overhead in the arches or away down +in the crypt were in some way akin to him; consequently he was a person +of recognised importance in the cathedral world. + +The little stone Saint and the Goblin got on very well together, though +they looked at most things from different points of view. The Saint was +a philanthropist in an old fashioned way; he thought the world, as he saw +it, was good, but might be improved. In particular he pitied the church +mice, who were miserably poor. The Goblin, on the other hand, was of +opinion that the world, as he knew it, was bad, but had better be let +alone. It was the function of the church mice to be poor. + +"All the same," said the Saint, "I feel very sorry for them." + +"Of course you do," said the Goblin; "it's _your_ function to feel sorry +for them. If they were to leave off being poor you couldn't fulfil your +functions. You'd be a sinecure." + +He rather hoped that the Saint would ask him what a sinecure meant, but +the latter took refuge in a stony silence. The Goblin might be right, +but still, he thought, he would like to do something for the church mice +before winter came on; they were so very poor. + +Whilst he was thinking the matter over he was startled by something +falling between his feet with a hard metallic clatter. It was a bright +new thaler; one of the cathedral jackdaws, who collected such things, had +flown in with it to a stone cornice just above his niche, and the banging +of the sacristy door had startled him into dropping it. Since the +invention of gunpowder the family nerves were not what they had been. + +"What have you got there?" asked the Goblin. + +"A silver thaler," said the Saint. "Really," he continued, "it is most +fortunate; now I can do something for the church mice." + +"How will you manage it?" asked the Goblin. + +The Saint considered. + +"I will appear in a vision to the vergeress who sweeps the floors. I +will tell her that she will find a silver thaler between my feet, and +that she must take it and buy a measure of corn and put it on my shrine. +When she finds the money she will know that it was a true dream, and she +will take care to follow my directions. Then the mice will have food all +the winter." + +"Of course _you_ can do that," observed the Goblin. "Now, _I_ can only +appear to people after they have had a heavy supper of indigestible +things. My opportunities with the vergeress would be limited. There is +some advantage in being a saint after all." + +All this while the coin was lying at the Saint's feet. It was clean and +glittering and had the Elector's arms beautifully stamped upon it. The +Saint began to reflect that such an opportunity was too rare to be +hastily disposed of. Perhaps indiscriminate charity might be harmful to +the church mice. After all, it was their function to be poor; the Goblin +had said so, and the Goblin was generally right. + +"I've been thinking," he said to that personage, "that perhaps it would +be really better if I ordered a thaler's worth of candles to be placed on +my shrine instead of the corn." + +He often wished, for the look of the thing, that people would sometimes +burn candles at his shrine; but as they had forgotten who he was it was +not considered a profitable speculation to pay him that attention. + +"Candles would be more orthodox," said the Goblin. + +"More orthodox, certainly," agreed the Saint, "and the mice could have +the ends to eat; candle-ends are most fattening." + +The Goblin was too well bred to wink; besides, being a stone goblin, it +was out of the question. + + * * * * * + +"Well, if it ain't there, sure enough!" said the vergeress next morning. +She took the shining coin down from the dusty niche and turned it over +and over in her grimy hands. Then she put it to her mouth and bit it. + +"She can't be going to eat it," thought the Saint, and fixed her with his +stoniest stare. + +"Well," said the woman, in a somewhat shriller key, "who'd have thought +it! A saint, too!" + +Then she did an unaccountable thing. She hunted an old piece of tape out +of her pocket, and tied to crosswise, with a big loop, round the thaler, +and hung it round the neck of the little Saint. + +Then she went away. + +"The only possible explanation," said the Goblin, "is that it's a bad +one." + + * * * * * + +"What is that decoration your neighbour is wearing?" asked a wyvern that +was wrought into the capital of an adjacent pillar. + +The Saint was ready to cry with mortification, only, being of stone, he +couldn't. + +"It's a coin of--ahem!--fabulous value," replied the Goblin tactfully. + +And the news went round the Cathedral that the shrine of the little stone +Saint had been enriched by a priceless offering. + +"After all, it's something to have the conscience of a goblin," said the +Saint to himself. + +The church mice were as poor as ever. But that was their function. + + + + +THE SOUL OF LAPLOSHKA + + +Laploshka was one of the meanest men I have ever met, and quite one of +the most entertaining. He said horrid things about other people in such +a charming way that one forgave him for the equally horrid things he said +about oneself behind one's back. Hating anything in the way of +ill-natured gossip ourselves, we are always grateful to those who do it +for us and do it well. And Laploshka did it really well. + +Naturally Laploshka had a large circle of acquaintances, and as he +exercised some care in their selection it followed that an appreciable +proportion were men whose bank balances enabled them to acquiesce +indulgently in his rather one-sided views on hospitality. Thus, although +possessed of only moderate means, he was able to live comfortably within +his income, and still more comfortably within those of various tolerantly +disposed associates. + +But towards the poor or to those of the same limited resources as himself +his attitude was one of watchful anxiety; he seemed to be haunted by a +besetting fear lest some fraction of a shilling or franc, or whatever the +prevailing coinage might be, should be diverted from his pocket or +service into that of a hard-up companion. A two-franc cigar would be +cheerfully offered to a wealthy patron, on the principle of doing evil +that good may come, but I have known him indulge in agonies of perjury +rather than admit the incriminating possession of a copper coin when +change was needed to tip a waiter. The coin would have been duly +returned at the earliest opportunity--he would have taken means to insure +against forgetfulness on the part of the borrower--but accidents might +happen, and even the temporary estrangement from his penny or sou was a +calamity to be avoided. + +The knowledge of this amiable weakness offered a perpetual temptation to +play upon Laploshka's fears of involuntary generosity. To offer him a +lift in a cab and pretend not to have enough money to pay the fair, to +fluster him with a request for a sixpence when his hand was full of +silver just received in change, these were a few of the petty torments +that ingenuity prompted as occasion afforded. To do justice to +Laploshka's resourcefulness it must be admitted that he always emerged +somehow or other from the most embarrassing dilemma without in any way +compromising his reputation for saying "No." But the gods send +opportunities at some time to most men, and mine came one evening when +Laploshka and I were supping together in a cheap boulevard restaurant. +(Except when he was the bidden guest of some one with an irreproachable +income, Laploshka was wont to curb his appetite for high living; on such +fortunate occasions he let it go on an easy snaffle.) At the conclusion +of the meal a somewhat urgent message called me away, and without heeding +my companion's agitated protest, I called back cruelly, "Pay my share; +I'll settle with you to-morrow." Early on the morrow Laploshka hunted me +down by instinct as I walked along a side street that I hardly ever +frequented. He had the air of a man who had not slept. + +"You owe me two francs from last night," was his breathless greeting. + +I spoke evasively of the situation in Portugal, where more trouble seemed +brewing. But Laploshka listened with the abstraction of the deaf adder, +and quickly returned to the subject of the two francs. + +"I'm afraid I must owe it to you," I said lightly and brutally. "I +haven't a sou in the world," and I added mendaciously, "I'm going away +for six months or perhaps longer." + +Laploshka said nothing, but his eyes bulged a little and his cheeks took +on the mottled hues of an ethnographical map of the Balkan Peninsula. +That same day, at sundown, he died. "Failure of the heart's action," was +the doctor's verdict; but I, who knew better, knew that he died of grief. + +There arose the problem of what to do with his two francs. To have +killed Laploshka was one thing; to have kept his beloved money would have +argued a callousness of feeling of which I am not capable. The ordinary +solution, of giving it to the poor, would by no means fit the present +situation, for nothing would have distressed the dead man more than such +a misuse of his property. On the other hand, the bestowal of two francs +on the rich was an operation which called for some tact. An easy way out +of the difficulty seemed, however, to present itself the following +Sunday, as I was wedged into the cosmopolitan crowd which filled the +side-aisle of one of the most popular Paris churches. A collecting-bag, +for "the poor of Monsieur le Cure," was buffeting its tortuous way across +the seemingly impenetrable human sea, and a German in front of me, who +evidently did not wish his appreciation of the magnificent music to be +marred by a suggestion of payment, made audible criticisms to his +companion on the claims of the said charity. + +"They do not want money," he said; "they have too much money. They have +no poor. They are all pampered." + +If that were really the case my way seemed clear. I dropped Laploshka's +two francs into the bag with a murmured blessing on the rich of Monsieur +le Cure. + +Some three weeks later chance had taken me to Vienna, and I sat one +evening regaling myself in a humble but excellent little Gasthaus up in +the Wahringer quarter. The appointments were primitive, but the +Schnitzel, the beer, and the cheese could not have been improved on. +Good cheer brought good custom, and with the exception of one small table +near the door every place was occupied. Half-way through my meal I +happened to glance in the direction of that empty seat, and saw that it +was no longer empty. Poring over the bill of fare with the absorbed +scrutiny of one who seeks the cheapest among the cheap was Laploshka. +Once he looked across at me, with a comprehensive glance at my repast, as +though to say, "It is my two francs you are eating," and then looked +swiftly away. Evidently the poor of Monsieur le Cure had been genuine +poor. The Schnitzel turned to leather in my mouth, the beer seemed +tepid; I left the Emmenthaler untasted. My one idea was to get away from +the room, away from the table where _that_ was seated; and as I fled I +felt Laploshka's reproachful eyes watching the amount that I gave to the +piccolo--out of his two francs. I lunched next day at an expensive +restaurant which I felt sure that the living Laploshka would never have +entered on his own account, and I hoped that the dead Laploshka would +observe the same barriers. I was not mistaken, but as I came out I found +him miserably studying the bill of fare stuck up on the portals. Then he +slowly made his way over to a milk-hall. For the first time in my +experience I missed the charm and gaiety of Vienna life. + +After that, in Paris or London or wherever I happened to be, I continued +to see a good deal of Laploshka. If I had a seat in a box at a theatre I +was always conscious of his eyes furtively watching me from the dim +recesses of the gallery. As I turned into my club on a rainy afternoon I +would see him taking inadequate shelter in a doorway opposite. Even if I +indulged in the modest luxury of a penny chair in the Park he generally +confronted me from one of the free benches, never staring at me, but +always elaborately conscious of my presence. My friends began to comment +on my changed looks, and advised me to leave off heaps of things. I +should have liked to have left off Laploshka. + +On a certain Sunday--it was probably Easter, for the crush was worse than +ever--I was again wedged into the crowd listening to the music in the +fashionable Paris church, and again the collection-bag was buffeting its +way across the human sea. An English lady behind me was making +ineffectual efforts to convey a coin into the still distant bag, so I +took the money at her request and helped it forward to its destination. +It was a two-franc piece. A swift inspiration came to me, and I merely +dropped my own sou into the bag and slid the silver coin into my pocket. +I had withdrawn Laploshka's two francs from the poor, who should never +have had the legacy. As I backed away from the crowd I heard a woman's +voice say, "I don't believe he put my money in the bag. There are swarms +of people in Paris like that!" But my mind was lighter that it had been +for a long time. + +The delicate mission of bestowing the retrieved sum on the deserving rich +still confronted me. Again I trusted to the inspiration of accident, and +again fortune favoured me. A shower drove me, two days later, into one +of the historic churches on the left bank of the Seine, and there I +found, peering at the old wood-carvings, the Baron R., one of the +wealthiest and most shabbily dressed men in Paris. It was now or never. +Putting a strong American inflection into the French which I usually +talked with an unmistakable British accent, I catechised the Baron as to +the date of the church's building, its dimensions, and other details +which an American tourist would be certain to want to know. Having +acquired such information as the Baron was able to impart on short +notice, I solemnly placed the two-franc piece in his hand, with the +hearty assurance that it was "pour vous," and turned to go. The Baron +was slightly taken aback, but accepted the situation with a good grace. +Walking over to a small box fixed in the wall, he dropped Laploshka's two +francs into the slot. Over the box was the inscription, "Pour les +pauvres de M. le Cure." + +That evening, at the crowded corner by the Cafe de la Paix, I caught a +fleeting glimpse of Laploshka. He smiled, slightly raised his hat, and +vanished. I never saw him again. After all, the money had been _given_ +to the deserving rich, and the soul of Laploshka was at peace. + + + + +THE BAG + + +"The Major is coming in to tea," said Mrs. Hoopington to her niece. +"He's just gone round to the stables with his horse. Be as bright and +lively as you can; the poor man's got a fit of the glooms." + +Major Pallaby was a victim of circumstances, over which he had no +control, and of his temper, over which he had very little. He had taken +on the Mastership of the Pexdale Hounds in succession to a highly popular +man who had fallen foul of his committee, and the Major found himself +confronted with the overt hostility of at least half the hunt, while his +lack of tact and amiability had done much to alienate the remainder. +Hence subscriptions were beginning to fall off, foxes grew provokingly +scarcer, and wire obtruded itself with increasing frequency. The Major +could plead reasonable excuse for his fit of the glooms. + +In ranging herself as a partisan on the side of Major Pallaby Mrs. +Hoopington had been largely influenced by the fact that she had made up +her mind to marry him at an early date. Against his notorious bad temper +she set his three thousand a year, and his prospective succession to a +baronetcy gave a casting vote in his favour. The Major's plans on the +subject of matrimony were not at present in such an advanced stage as +Mrs. Hoopington's, but he was beginning to find his way over to +Hoopington Hall with a frequency that was already being commented on. + +"He had a wretchedly thin field out again yesterday," said Mrs. +Hoopington. "Why you didn't bring one or two hunting men down with you, +instead of that stupid Russian boy, I can't think." + +"Vladimir isn't stupid," protested her niece; "he's one of the most +amusing boys I ever met. Just compare him for a moment with some of your +heavy hunting men--" + +"Anyhow, my dear Norah, he can't ride." + +"Russians never can; but he shoots." + +"Yes; and what does he shoot? Yesterday he brought home a woodpecker in +his game-bag." + +"But he'd shot three pheasants and some rabbits as well." + +"That's no excuse for including a woodpecker in his game-bag." + +"Foreigners go in for mixed bags more than we do. A Grand Duke pots a +vulture just as seriously as we should stalk a bustard. Anyhow, I've +explained to Vladimir that certain birds are beneath his dignity as a +sportsman. And as he's only nineteen, of course, his dignity is a sure +thing to appeal to." + +Mrs. Hoopington sniffed. Most people with whom Vladimir came in contact +found his high spirits infectious, but his present hostess was guaranteed +immune against infection of that sort. + +"I hear him coming in now," she observed. "I shall go and get ready for +tea. We're going to have it here in the hall. Entertain the Major if he +comes in before I'm down, and, above all, be bright." + +Norah was dependent on her aunt's good graces for many little things that +made life worth living, and she was conscious of a feeling of +discomfiture because the Russian youth whom she had brought down as a +welcome element of change in the country-house routine was not making a +good impression. That young gentleman, however, was supremely +unconscious of any shortcomings, and burst into the hall, tired, and less +sprucely groomed than usual, but distinctly radiant. His game-bag looked +comfortably full. + +"Guess what I have shot," he demanded. + +"Pheasants, woodpigeons, rabbits," hazarded Norah. + +"No; a large beast; I don't know what you call it in English. Brown, +with a darkish tail." Norah changed colour. + +"Does it live in a tree and eat nuts?" she asked, hoping that the use of +the adjective "large" might be an exaggeration. + +Vladimir laughed. + +"Oh no; not a _biyelka_." + +"Does it swim and eat fish?" asked Norah, with a fervent prayer in her +heart that it might turn out to be an otter. + +"No," said Vladimir, busy with the straps of his game-bag; "it lives in +the woods, and eats rabbits and chickens." + +Norah sat down suddenly, and hid her face in her hands. + +"Merciful Heaven!" she wailed; "he's shot a fox!" + +Vladimir looked up at her in consternation. In a torrent of agitated +words she tried to explain the horror of the situation. The boy +understood nothing, but was thoroughly alarmed. + +"Hide it, hide it!" said Norah frantically, pointing to the still +unopened bag. "My aunt and the Major will be here in a moment. Throw it +on the top of that chest; they won't see it there." + +Vladimir swung the bag with fair aim; but the strap caught in its flight +on the outstanding point of an antler fixed in the wall, and the bag, +with its terrible burden, remained suspended just above the alcove where +tea would presently be laid. At that moment Mrs. Hoopington and the +Major entered the hall. + +"The Major is going to draw our covers to-morrow," announced the lady, +with a certain heavy satisfaction. "Smithers is confident that we'll be +able to show him some sport; he swears he's seen a fox in the nut copse +three times this week." + +"I'm sure I hope so; I hope so," said the Major moodily. "I must break +this sequence of blank days. One hears so often that a fox has settled +down as a tenant for life in certain covers, and then when you go to turn +him out there isn't a trace of him. I'm certain a fox was shot or +trapped in Lady Widden's woods the very day before we drew them." + +"Major, if any one tried that game on in my woods they'd get short +shrift," said Mrs. Hoopington. + +Norah found her way mechanically to the tea-table and made her fingers +frantically busy in rearranging the parsley round the sandwich dish. On +one side of her loomed the morose countenance of the Major, on the other +she was conscious of the scared, miserable eyes of Vladimir. And above +it all hung _that_. She dared not raise her eyes above the level of the +tea-table, and she almost expected to see a spot of accusing vulpine +blood drip down and stain the whiteness of the cloth. Her aunt's manner +signalled to her the repeated message to "be bright"; for the present she +was fully occupied in keeping her teeth from chattering. + +"What did you shoot to-day?" asked Mrs. Hoopington suddenly of the +unusually silent Vladimir. + +"Nothing--nothing worth speaking of," said the boy. + +Norah's heart, which had stood still for a space, made up for lost time +with a most disturbing bound. + +"I wish you'd find something that was worth speaking about," said the +hostess; "every one seems to have lost their tongues." + +"When did Smithers last see that fox?" said the Major. + +"Yesterday morning; a fine dog-fox, with a dark brush," confided Mrs. +Hoopington. + +"Aha, we'll have a good gallop after that brush to-morrow," said the +Major, with a transient gleam of good humour. And then gloomy silence +settled again round the tea-table, a silence broken only by despondent +munchings and the occasional feverish rattle of a teaspoon in its saucer. +A diversion was at last afforded by Mrs. Hoopington's fox-terrier, which +had jumped on to a vacant chair, the better to survey the delicacies of +the table, and was now sniffing in an upward direction at something +apparently more interesting than cold tea-cake. + +"What is exciting him?" asked his mistress, as the dog suddenly broke +into short angry barks, with a running accompaniment of tremulous whines. + +"Why," she continued, "it's your game-bag, Vladimir! What _have_ you got +in it?" + +"By Gad," said the Major, who was now standing up; "there's a pretty warm +scent!" + +And then a simultaneous idea flashed on himself and Mrs. Hoopington. +Their faces flushed to distinct but harmonious tones of purple, and with +one accusing voice they screamed, "You've shot the fox!" + +Norah tried hastily to palliate Vladimir's misdeed in their eyes, but it +is doubtful whether they heard her. The Major's fury clothed and +reclothed itself in words as frantically as a woman up in town for one +day's shopping tries on a succession of garments. He reviled and railed +at fate and the general scheme of things, he pitied himself with a +strong, deep pity too poignent for tears, he condemned every one with +whom he had ever come in contact to endless and abnormal punishments. In +fact, he conveyed the impression that if a destroying angel had been lent +to him for a week it would have had very little time for private study. +In the lulls of his outcry could be heard the querulous monotone of Mrs. +Hoopington and the sharp staccato barking of the fox-terrier. Vladimir, +who did not understand a tithe of what was being said, sat fondling a +cigarette and repeating under his breath from time to time a vigorous +English adjective which he had long ago taken affectionately into his +vocabulary. His mind strayed back to the youth in the old Russian +folk-tale who shot an enchanted bird with dramatic results. Meanwhile, +the Major, roaming round the hall like an imprisoned cyclone, had caught +sight of and joyfully pounced on the telephone apparatus, and lost no +time in ringing up the hunt secretary and announcing his resignation of +the Mastership. A servant had by this time brought his horse round to +the door, and in a few seconds Mrs. Hoopington's shrill monotone had the +field to itself. But after the Major's display her best efforts at vocal +violence missed their full effect; it was as though one had come straight +out from a Wagner opera into a rather tame thunderstorm. Realising, +perhaps, that her tirades were something of an anticlimax, Mrs. +Hoopington broke suddenly into some rather necessary tears and marched +out of the room, leaving behind her a silence almost as terrible as the +turmoil which had preceded it. + +"What shall I do with--_that_?" asked Vladimir at last. + +"Bury it," said Norah. + +"Just plain burial?" said Vladimir, rather relieved. He had almost +expected that some of the local clergy would have insisted on being +present, or that a salute might have to be fired over the grave. + +And thus it came to pass that in the dusk of a November evening the +Russian boy, murmuring a few of the prayers of his Church for luck, gave +hasty but decent burial to a large polecat under the lilac trees at +Hoopington. + + + + +THE STRATEGIST + + +Mrs. Jallatt's young people's parties were severely exclusive; it came +cheaper that way, because you could ask fewer to them. Mrs. Jallatt +didn't study cheapness, but somehow she generally attained it. + +"There'll be about ten girls," speculated Rollo, as he drove to the +function, "and I suppose four fellows, unless the Wrotsleys bring their +cousin, which Heaven forbid. That would mean Jack and me against three +of them." + +Rollo and the Wrotsley brethren had maintained an undying feud almost +from nursery days. They only met now and then in the holidays, and the +meeting was usually tragic for whichever happened to have the fewest +backers on hand. Rollo was counting to-night on the presence of a +devoted and muscular partisan to hold an even balance. As he arrived he +heard his prospective champion's sister apologising to the hostess for +the unavoidable absence of her brother; a moment later he noted that the +Wrotsleys _had_ brought their cousin. + +Two against three would have been exciting and possibly unpleasant; one +against three promised to be about as amusing as a visit to the dentist. +Rollo ordered his carriage for as early as was decently possible, and +faced the company with a smile that he imagined the better sort of +aristocrat would have worn when mounting to the guillotine. + +"So glad you were able to come," said the elder Wrotsley heartily. + +"Now, you children will like to play games, I suppose," said Mrs. +Jallatt, by way of giving things a start, and as they were too well-bred +to contradict her there only remained the question of what they were to +play at. + +"I know of a good game," said the elder Wrotsley innocently. "The +fellows leave the room and think of a word; then they come back again, +and the girls have to find out what the word is." + +Rollo knew the game. He would have suggested it himself if his faction +had been in the majority. + +"It doesn't promise to be very exciting," sniffed the superior Dolores +Sneep as the boys filed out of the room. Rollo thought differently. He +trusted to Providence that Wrotsley had nothing worse than knotted +handkerchiefs at his disposal. + +The word-choosers locked themselves in the library to ensure that their +deliberations should not be interrupted. Providence turned out to be not +even decently neutral; on a rack on the library wall were a dog-whip and +a whalebone riding-switch. Rollo thought it criminal negligence to leave +such weapons of precision lying about. He was given a choice of evils, +and chose the dog-whip; the next minute or so he spent in wondering how +he could have made such a stupid selection. Then they went back to the +languidly expectant females. + +"The word's 'camel,'" announced the Wrotsley cousin blunderingly. + +"You stupid!" screamed the girls, "we've got to _guess_ the word. Now +you'll have to go back and think of another." + +"Not for worlds," said Rollo; "I mean, the word isn't really camel; we +were rotting. Pretend it's dromedary!" he whispered to the others. + +"I heard them say 'dromedary'! I heard them. I don't care what you say; +I heard them," squealed the odious Dolores. "With ears as long as hers +one would hear anything," thought Rollo savagely. + +"We shall have to go back, I suppose," said the elder Wrotsley +resignedly. + +The conclave locked itself once more into the library. "Look here, I'm +not going through that dog-whip business again," protested Rollo. + +"Certainly not, dear," said the elder Wrotsley; "we'll try the whalebone +switch this time, and you'll know which hurts most. It's only by +personal experience that one finds out these things." + +It was swiftly borne in upon Rollo that his earlier selection of the +dog-whip had been a really sound one. The conclave gave his under-lip +time to steady itself while it debated the choice of the necessary word. +"Mustang" was no good, as half the girls wouldn't know what it meant; +finally "quagga" was pitched on. + +"You must come and sit down over here," chorused the investigating +committee on their return; but Rollo was obdurate in insisting that the +questioned person always stood up. On the whole, it was a relief when +the game was ended and supper was announced. + +Mrs. Jallatt did not stint her young guests, but the more expensive +delicacies of her supper-table were never unnecessarily duplicated, and +it was usually good policy to take what you wanted while it was still +there. On this occasion she had provided sixteen peaches to "go round" +among fourteen children; it was really not her fault that the two +Wrotsleys and their cousin, foreseeing the long foodless drive home, had +each quietly pocketed an extra peach, but it was distinctly trying for +Dolores and the fat and good-natured Agnes Blaik to be left with one +peach between them. + +"I suppose we had better halve it," said Dolores sourly. + +But Agnes was fat first and good-natured afterwards; those were her +guiding principles in life. She was profuse in her sympathy for Dolores, +but she hastily devoured the peach, explaining that it would spoil it to +divide it; the juice ran out so. + +"Now what would you all like to do?" demanded Mrs. Jallatt by way of +diversion. "The professional conjurer whom I had engaged has failed me +at the last moment. Can any of you recite?" + +There were symptoms of a general panic. Dolores was known to recite +"Locksley Hall" on the least provocation. There had been occasions when +her opening line, "Comrades, leave me here a little," had been taken as a +literal injunction by a large section of her hearers. There was a murmur +of relief when Rollo hastily declared that he could do a few conjuring +tricks. He had never done one in his life, but those two visits to the +library had goaded him to unusual recklessness. + +"You've seen conjuring chaps take coins and cards out of people," he +announced; "well, I'm going to take more interesting things out of some +of you. Mice, for instance." + +"Not mice!" + +A shrill protest rose, as he had foreseen, from the majority of his +audience. + +"Well, fruit, them." + +The amended proposal was received with approval. Agnes positively +beamed. + +Without more ado Rollo made straight for his trio of enemies, plunged his +hand successively into their breast-pockets, and produced three peaches. +There was no applause, but no amount of hand-clapping would have given +the performer as much pleasure as the silence which greeted his coup. + +"Of course, we were in the know," said the Wrotsley cousin lamely. + +"That's done it," chuckled Rollo to himself. + +"If they _had_ been confederates they would have sworn they knew nothing +about it," said Dolores, with piercing conviction. + +"Do you know any more tricks?" asked Mrs. Jallatt hurriedly. + +Rollo did not. He hinted that he might have changed the three peaches +into something else, but Agnes had already converted one into girl-food, +so nothing more could be done in that direction. + +"I know a game," said the elder Wrotsley heavily, "where the fellows go +out of the room, and think of some character in history; then they come +back and act him, and the girls have to guess who it's meant for." + +"I'm afraid I must be going," said Rollo to his hostess. + +"Your carriage won't be here for another twenty minutes," said Mrs. +Jallatt. + +"It's such a fine evening I think I'll walk and meet it." + +"It's raining rather steadily at present. You've just time to play that +historical game." + +"We haven't heard Dolores recite," said Rollo desperately; as soon as he +had said it he realised his mistake. Confronted with the alternative of +"Locksley Hall," public opinion declared unanimously for the history +game. + +Rollo played his last card. In an undertone meant apparently for the +Wrotsley boy, but carefully pitched to reach Agnes, he observed-- + +"All right, old man; we'll go and finish those chocolates we left in the +library." + +"I think it's only fair that the girls should take their turn in going +out," exclaimed Agnes briskly. She was great on fairness. + +"Nonsense," said the others; "there are too many of us." + +"Well, four of us can go. I'll be one of them." + +And Agnes darted off towards the library, followed by three less eager +damsels. + +Rollo sank into a chair and smiled ever so faintly at the Wrotsleys, just +a momentary baring of the teeth; an otter, escaping from the fangs of the +hounds into the safety of a deep pool, might have given a similar +demonstration of feelings. + +From the library came the sound of moving furniture. Agnes was leaving +nothing unturned in her quest for the mythical chocolates. And then came +a more blessed sound, wheels crunching wet gravel. + +"It has been a most enjoyable evening," said Rollo to his hostess. + + + + +CROSS CURRENTS + + +Vanessa Pennington had a husband who was poor, with few extenuating +circumstances, and an admirer who, though comfortably rich, was cumbered +with a sense of honour. His wealth made him welcome in Vanessa's eyes, +but his code of what was right impelled him to go away and forget her, or +at the most to think of her in the intervals of doing a great many other +things. And although Alaric Clyde loved Vanessa, and thought he should +always go on loving her, he gradually and unconsciously allowed himself +to be wooed and won by a more alluring mistress; he fancied that his +continued shunning of the haunts of men was a self-imposed exile, but his +heart was caught in the spell of the Wilderness, and the Wilderness was +kind and beautiful to him. When one is young and strong and unfettered +the wild earth can be very kind and very beautiful. Witness the legion +of men who were once young and unfettered and now eat out their souls in +dustbins, because, having erstwhile known and loved the Wilderness, they +broke from her thrall and turned aside into beaten paths. + +In the high waste places of the world Clyde roamed and hunted and +dreamed, death-dealing and gracious as some god of Hellas, moving with +his horses and servants and four-footed camp followers from one dwelling +ground to another, a welcome guest among wild primitive village folk and +nomads, a friend and slayer of the fleet, shy beasts around him. By the +shores of misty upland lakes he shot the wild fowl that had winged their +way to him across half the old world; beyond Bokhara he watched the wild +Aryan horsemen at their gambols; watched, too, in some dim-lit tea-house +one of those beautiful uncouth dances that one can never wholly forget; +or, making a wide cast down to the valley of the Tigris, swam and rolled +in its snow-cooled racing waters. Vanessa, meanwhile, in a Bayswater +back street, was making out the weekly laundry list, attending bargain +sales, and, in her more adventurous moments, trying new ways of cooking +whiting. Occasionally she went to bridge parties, where, if the play was +not illuminating, at least one learned a great deal about the private +life of some of the Royal and Imperial Houses. Vanessa, in a way, was +glad that Clyde had done the proper thing. She had a strong natural bias +towards respectability, though she would have preferred to have been +respectable in smarter surroundings, where her example would have done +more good. To be beyond reproach was one thing, but it would have been +nicer to have been nearer to the Park. + +And then of a sudden her regard for respectability and Clyde's sense of +what was right were thrown on the scrap-heap of unnecessary things. They +had been useful and highly important in their time, but the death of +Vanessa's husband made them of no immediate moment. + +The news of the altered condition of things followed Clyde with leisurely +persistence from one place of call to another, and at last ran him to a +standstill somewhere in the Orenburg Steppe. He would have found it +exceedingly difficult to analyse his feelings on receipt of the tidings. +The Fates had unexpectedly (and perhaps just a little officiously) +removed an obstacle from his path. He supposed he was overjoyed, but he +missed the feeling of elation which he had experienced some four months +ago when he had bagged a snow-leopard with a lucky shot after a day's +fruitless stalking. Of course he would go back and ask Vanessa to marry +him, but he was determined on enforcing a condition; on no account would +he desert his newer love. Vanessa would have to agree to come out into +the Wilderness with him. + +The lady hailed the return of her lover with even more relief than had +been occasioned by his departure. The death of John Pennington had left +his widow in circumstances which were more straitened than ever, and the +Park had receded even from her notepaper, where it had long been retained +as a courtesy title on the principle that addresses are given to us to +conceal our whereabouts. Certainly she was more independent now than +heretofore, but independence, which means so much to many women, was of +little account to Vanessa, who came under the heading of the mere female. +She made little ado about accepting Clyde's condition, and announced +herself ready to follow him to the end of the world; as the world was +round she nourished a complacent idea that in the ordinary course of +things one would find oneself in the neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner +sooner or later no matter how far afield one wandered. + +East of Budapest her complacency began to filter away, and when she saw +her husband treating the Black Sea with a familiarity which she had never +been able to assume towards the English Channel, misgivings began to +crowd in upon her. Adventures which would have presented an amusing and +enticing aspect to a better-bred woman aroused in Vanessa only the twin +sensations of fright and discomfort. Flies bit her, and she was +persuaded that it was only sheer boredom that prevented camels from doing +the same. Clyde did his best, and a very good best it was, to infuse +something of the banquet into their prolonged desert picnics, but even +snow-cooled Heidsieck lost its flavour when you were convinced that the +dusky cupbearer who served it with such reverent elegance was only +waiting a convenient opportunity to cut your throat. It was useless for +Clyde to give Yussuf a character for devotion such as is rarely found in +any Western servant. Vanessa was well enough educated to know that all +dusky-skinned people take human life as unconcernedly as Bayswater folk +take singing lessons. + +And with a growing irritation and querulousness on her part came a +further disenchantment, born of the inability of husband and wife to find +a common ground of interest. The habits and migrations of the sand +grouse, the folklore and customs of Tartars and Turkomans, the points of +a Cossack pony--these were matter which evoked only a bored indifference +in Vanessa. On the other hand, Clyde was not thrilled on being informed +that the Queen of Spain detested mauve, or that a certain Royal duchess, +for whose tastes he was never likely to be called on to cater, nursed a +violent but perfectly respectable passion for beef olives. + +Vanessa began to arrive at the conclusion that a husband who added a +roving disposition to a settled income was a mixed blessing. It was one +thing to go to the end of the world; it was quite another thing to make +oneself at home there. Even respectability seemed to lose some of its +virtue when one practised it in a tent. + +Bored and disillusioned with the drift of her new life, Vanessa was +undisguisedly glad when distraction offered itself in the person of Mr. +Dobrinton, a chance acquaintance whom they had first run against in the +primitive hostelry of a benighted Caucasian town. Dobrinton was +elaborately British, in deference perhaps to the memory of his mother, +who was said to have derived part of her origin from an English governess +who had come to Lemberg a long way back in the last century. If you had +called him Dobrinski when off his guard he would probably have responded +readily enough; holding, no doubt, that the end crowns all, he had taken +a slight liberty with the family patronymic. To look at, Mr. Dobrinton +was not a very attractive specimen of masculine humanity, but in +Vanessa's eyes he was a link with that civilisation which Clyde seemed so +ready to ignore and forgo. He could sing "Yip-I-Addy" and spoke of +several duchesses as if he knew them--in his more inspired moments almost +as if they knew him. He even pointed out blemishes in the cuisine or +cellar departments of some of the more august London restaurants, a +species of Higher Criticism which was listened to by Vanessa in +awe-stricken admiration. And, above all, he sympathised, at first +discreetly, afterwards with more latitude, with her fretful discontent at +Clyde's nomadic instincts. Business connected with oil-wells had brought +Dobrinton to the neighbourhood of Baku; the pleasure of appealing to an +appreciative female audience induced him to deflect his return journey so +as to coincide a good deal with his new aquaintances' line of march. And +while Clyde trafficked with Persian horse-dealers or hunted the wild grey +pigs in their lairs and added to his notes on Central Asian game-fowl, +Dobrinton and the lady discussed the ethics of desert respectability from +points of view that showed a daily tendency to converge. And one evening +Clyde dined alone, reading between the courses a long letter from +Vanessa, justifying her action in flitting to more civilised lands with a +more congenial companion. + +It was distinctly evil luck for Vanessa, who really was thoroughly +respectable at heart, that she and her lover should run into the hands of +Kurdish brigands on the first day of their flight. To be mewed up in a +squalid Kurdish village in close companionship with a man who was only +your husband by adoption, and to have the attention of all Europe drawn +to your plight, was about the least respectable thing that could happen. +And there were international complications, which made things worse. +"English lady and her husband, of foreign nationality, held by Kurdish +brigands who demand ransom" had been the report of the nearest Consul. +Although Dobrinton was British at heart, the other portions of him +belonged to the Habsburgs, and though the Habsburgs took no great pride +or pleasure in this particular unit of their wide and varied possessions, +and would gladly have exchanged him for some interesting bird or mammal +for the Schoenbrunn Park, the code of international dignity demanded that +they should display a decent solicitude for his restoration. And while +the Foreign Offices of the two countries were taking the usual steps to +secure the release of their respective subjects a further horrible +complication ensued. Clyde, following on the track of the fugitives, not +with any special desire to overtake them, but with a dim feeling that it +was expected of him, fell into the hands of the same community of +brigands. Diplomacy, while anxious to do its best for a lady in +misfortune, showed signs of becoming restive at this expansion of its +task; as a frivolous young gentleman in Downing Street remarked, "Any +husband of Mrs. Dobrinton's we shall be glad to extricate, but let us +know how many there are of them." For a woman who valued respectability +Vanessa really had no luck. + +Meanwhile the situation of the captives was not free from embarrassment. +When Clyde explained to the Kurdish headmen the nature of his +relationship with the runaway couple they were gravely sympathetic, but +vetoed any idea of summary vengeance, since the Habsburgs would be sure +to insist on the delivery of Dobrinton alive, and in a reasonably +undamaged condition. They did not object to Clyde administering a +beating to his rival for half an hour every Monday and Thursday, but +Dobrinton turned such a sickly green when he heard of this arrangement +that the chief was obliged to withdraw the concession. + +And so, in the cramped quarters of a mountain hut, the ill-assorted trio +watched the insufferable hours crawl slowly by. Dobrinton was too +frightened to be conversational, Vanessa was too mortified to open her +lips, and Clyde was moodily silent. The little Limberg _negociant_ +plucked up heart once to give a quavering rendering of "Yip-I-Addy," but +when he reached the statement "home was never like this" Vanessa +tearfully begged him to stop. And silence fastened itself with growing +insistence on the three captives who were so tragically herded together; +thrice a day they drew near to one another to swallow the meal that had +been prepared for them, like desert beasts meeting in mute suspended +hostility at the drinking pool, and then drew back to resume the vigil of +waiting. + +Clyde was less carefully watched than the others. "Jealousy will keep +him to the woman's side," thought his Kurdish captors. They did not know +that his wilder, truer love was calling to him with a hundred voices from +beyond the village bounds. And one evening, finding that he was not +getting the attention to which he was entitled, Clyde slipped away down +the mountain side and resumed his study of Central Asian game-fowl. The +remaining captives were guarded henceforth with greater rigour, but +Dobrinton at any rate scarcely regretted Clyde's departure. + +The long arm, or perhaps one might better say the long purse, of +diplomacy at last effected the release of the prisoners, but the +Habsburgs were never to enjoy the guerdon of their outlay. On the quay +of the little Black Sea port, where the rescued pair came once more into +contact with civilisation, Dobrinton was bitten by a dog which was +assumed to be mad, though it may only have been indiscriminating. The +victim did not wait for symptoms of rabies to declare themselves, but +died forthwith of fright, and Vanessa made the homeward journey alone, +conscious somehow of a sense of slightly restored respectability. Clyde, +in the intervals of correcting the proofs of his book on the game-fowl of +Central Asia, found time to press a divorce suit through the Courts, and +as soon as possible hied him away to the congenial solitudes of the Gobi +Desert to collect material for a work on the fauna of that region. +Vanessa, by virtue perhaps of her earlier intimacy with the cooking rites +of the whiting, obtained a place on the kitchen staff of a West End club. +It was not brilliant, but at least it was within two minutes of the Park. + + + + +THE BAKER'S DOZEN + + +_Characters_-- + + Major Richard Dumbarton. + + Mrs. Carewe. + + Mrs. Paly-Paget. + +_Scene_--Deck of eastward-bound steamer. Major Dumbarton seated on +deck-chair, another chair by his side, with the name "Mrs. Carewe" +painted on it, a third near by. + +(Enter R. Mrs. Carewe, seats herself leisurely in her deck-chair, the +Major affecting to ignore her presence.) + +_Major_ (turning suddenly): Emily! After all these years! This is fate! + +_Em._: Fate! Nothing of the sort; it's only me. You men are always such +fatalists. I deferred my departure three whole weeks, in order to come +out in the same boat that I saw you were travelling by. I bribed the +steward to put out chairs side by side in an unfrequented corner, and I +took enormous pains to be looking particularly attractive this morning, +and then you say "This is fate." I am looking particularly attractive, +am I not? + +_Maj._: More than ever. Time has only added a ripeness to your charms. + +_Em._: I knew you'd put it exactly in those words. The phraseology of +love-making is awfully limited, isn't it? After all, the chief charm is +in the fact of being made love to. You _are_ making love to me, aren't +you? + +_Maj._: Emily dearest, I had already begun making advances, even before +you sat down here. I also bribed the steward to put our seats together +in a secluded corner. "You may consider it done, sir," was his reply. +That was immediately after breakfast. + +_Em._: How like a man to have his breakfast first. I attended to the +seat business as soon as I left my cabin. + +_Maj._: Don't be unreasonable. It was only at breakfast that I +discovered your blessed presence on the boat. I paid violent and unusual +attention to a flapper all through the meal in order to make you jealous. +She's probably in her cabin writing reams about me to a fellow-flapper at +this very moment. + +_Em._: You needn't have taken all that trouble to make me jealous, +Dickie. You did that years ago, when you married another woman. + +_Maj._: Well, you had gone and married another man--a widower, too, at +that. + +_Em._: Well, there's no particular harm in marrying a widower, I suppose. +I'm ready to do it again, if I meet a really nice one. + +_Maj._: Look here, Emily, it's not fair to go at that rate. You're a lap +ahead of me the whole time. It's my place to propose to you; all you've +got to do is to say "Yes." + +_Em._: Well, I've practically said it already, so we needn't dawdle over +that part. + +_Maj._: Oh, well-- + +(They look at each other, then suddenly embrace with considerable +energy.) + +_Maj._: We dead-heated it that time. (Suddenly jumping to his feet) Oh, +d--- I'd forgotten! + +_Em._: Forgotten what? + +_Maj._: The children. I ought to have told you. Do you mind children? + +_Em._: Not in moderate quantities. How many have you got? + +_Maj._ (counting hurriedly on his fingers): Five. + +_Em._: Five! + +_Maj._ (anxiously): Is that too many? + +_Em._: It's rather a number. The worst of it is, I've some myself. + +_Maj._: Many? + +_Em._: Eight. + +_Maj._: Eight in six years! Oh, Emily! + +_Em._: Only four were my own. The other four were by my husband's first +marriage. Still, that practically makes eight. + +_Maj._: And eight and five make thirteen. We can't start our married +life with thirteen children; it would be most unlucky. (Walks up and +down in agitation.) Some way must be found out of this. If we could +only bring them down to twelve. Thirteen is so horribly unlucky. + +_Em._: Isn't there some way by which we could part with one or two? Don't +the French want more children? I've often seen articles about it in the +_Figaro_. + +_Maj._: I fancy they want French children. Mine don't even speak French. + +_Em._: There's always a chance that one of them might turn out depraved +and vicious, and then you could disown him. I've heard of that being +done. + +_Maj._: But, good gracious, you've got to educate him first. You can't +expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. + +_Em._: Why couldn't he be naturally depraved? Lots of boys are. + +_Maj._: Only when they inherit it from depraved parents. You don't +suppose there's any depravity in me, do you? + +_Em._: It sometimes skips a generation, you know. Weren't any of your +family bad? + +_Maj._: There was an aunt who was never spoken of. + +_Em._: There you are! + +_Maj._: But one can't build too much on that. In mid-Victorian days they +labelled all sorts of things as unspeakable that we should speak about +quite tolerantly. I dare say this particular aunt had only married a +Unitarian, or rode to hounds on both sides of her horse, or something of +that sort. Anyhow, we can't wait indefinitely for one of the children to +take after a doubtfully depraved great-aunt. Something else must be +thought of. + +_Em._: Don't people ever adopt children from other families? + +_Maj._: I've heard of it being done by childless couples, and those sort +of people-- + +_Em._: Hush! Some one's coming. Who is it? + +_Maj._: Mrs. Paly-Paget. + +_Em._: The very person! + +_Maj._: What, to adopt a child? Hasn't she got any? + +_Em._: Only one miserable hen-baby. + +_Maj._: Let's sound her on the subject. + +(Enter Mrs. Paly-Paget, R.) + +Ah, good morning. Mrs. Paly-Paget. I was just wondering at breakfast +where did we meet last? + +_Mrs. P.-P._: At the Criterion, wasn't it? + +(Drops into vacant chair.) + +_Maj._: At the Criterion, of course. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: I was dining with Lord and Lady Slugford. Charming people, +but so mean. They took us afterwards to the Velodrome, to see some +dancer interpreting Mendelssohn's "song without clothes." We were all +packed up in a little box near the roof, and you may imagine how hot it +was. It was like a Turkish bath. And, of course, one couldn't see +anything. + +_Maj._: Then it was not like a Turkish bath. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Major! + +_Em._: We were just talking of you when you joined us. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Really! Nothing very dreadful, I hope. + +_Em._: Oh dear, no! It's too early on the voyage for that sort of thing. +We were feeling rather sorry for you. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Sorry for me? Whatever for? + +_Maj._: Your childless hearth and all that, you know. No little +pattering feet. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Major! How dare you? I've got my little girl, I suppose +you know. Her feet can patter as well as other children's. + +_Maj._: Only one pair of feet. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Certainly. My child isn't a centipede. Considering the +way they move us about in those horrid jungle stations, without a decent +bungalow to set one's foot in, I consider I've got a hearthless child, +rather than a childless hearth. Thank you for your sympathy all the +same. I dare say it was well meant. Impertinence often is. + +_Em._: Dear Mrs. Paly-Paget, we were only feeling sorry for your sweet +little girl when she grows older, you know. No little brothers and +sisters to play with. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Mrs. Carewe, this conversation strikes me as being +indelicate, to say the least of it. I've only been married two and a +half years, and my family is naturally a small one. + +_Maj._: Isn't it rather an exaggeration to talk of one little female +child as a family? A family suggests numbers. + +_Mrs. P.-P._: Really, Major, you language is extraordinary. I dare say +I've only got a little female child, as you call it, at present-- + +_Maj._: Oh, it won't change into a boy later on, if that's what you're +counting on. Take our word for it; we've had so much more experience in +these affairs than you have. Once a female, always a female. Nature is +not infallible, but she always abides by her mistakes. + +_Mrs. P.-P._ (rising): Major Dumbarton, these boats are uncomfortably +small, but I trust we shall find ample accommodation for avoiding each +other's society during the rest of the voyage. The same wish applies to +you, Mrs. Carewe. + +(Exit Mrs. Paly-Paget, L.) + +_Maj._: What an unnatural mother! (Sinks into chair.) + +_Em._: I wouldn't trust a child with any one who had a temper like hers. +Oh, Dickie, why did you go and have such a large family? You always said +you wanted me to be the mother of your children. + +_Maj._: I wasn't going to wait while you were founding and fostering +dynasties in other directions. Why you couldn't be content to have +children of your own, without collecting them like batches of postage +stamps I can't think. The idea of marrying a man with four children! + +_Em._: Well, you're asking me to marry one with five. + +_Maj._: Five! (Springing to his feet) Did I say five? + +_Em._: You certainly said five. + +_Maj._: Oh, Emily, supposing I've miscounted them! Listen now, keep +count with me. Richard--that's after me, of course. + +_Em._: One. + +_Maj._: Albert-Victor--that must have been in Coronation year. + +_Em._: Two! + +_Maj._: Maud. She's called after-- + +_Em._: Never mind who's she's called after. Three! + +_Maj._: And Gerald. + +_Em._: Four! + +_Maj._: That's the lot. + +_Em._: Are you sure? + +_Maj._: I swear that's the lot. I must have counted Albert-Victor as +two. + +_Em._: Richard! + +_Maj._: Emily! + + (They embrace.) + + + + +THE MOUSE + + +Theodoric Voler had been brought up, from infancy to the confines of +middle age, by a fond mother whose chief solicitude had been to keep him +screened from what she called the coarser realities of life. When she +died she left Theodoric alone in a world that was as real as ever, and a +good deal coarser than he considered it had any need to be. To a man of +his temperament and upbringing even a simple railway journey was crammed +with petty annoyances and minor discords, and as he settled himself down +in a second-class compartment one September morning he was conscious of +ruffled feelings and general mental discomposure. He had been staying at +a country vicarage, the inmates of which had been certainly neither +brutal nor bacchanalian, but their supervision of the domestic +establishment had been of that lax order which invites disaster. The +pony carriage that was to take him to the station had never been properly +ordered, and when the moment for his departure drew near the handy-man +who should have produced the required article was nowhere to be found. +In this emergency Theodoric, to his mute but very intense disgust, found +himself obliged to collaborate with the vicar's daughter in the task of +harnessing the pony, which necessitated groping about in an ill-lighted +outhouse called a stable, and smelling very like one--except in patches +where it smelt of mice. Without being actually afraid of mice, Theodoric +classed them among the coarser incidents of life, and considered that +Providence, with a little exercise of moral courage, might long ago have +recognised that they were not indispensable, and have withdrawn them from +circulation. As the train glided out of the station Theodoric's nervous +imagination accused himself of exhaling a weak odour of stable-yard, and +possibly of displaying a mouldy straw or two on his usually well-brushed +garments. Fortunately the only other occupant of the compartment, a lady +of about the same age as himself, seemed inclined for slumber rather than +scrutiny; the train was not due to stop till the terminus was reached, in +about an hour's time, and the carriage was of the old-fashioned sort, +that held no communication with a corridor, therefore no further +travelling companions were likely to intrude on Theodoric's semi-privacy. +And yet the train had scarcely attained its normal speed before he became +reluctantly but vividly aware that he was not alone with the slumbering +lady; he was not even alone in his own clothes. A warm, creeping +movement over his flesh betrayed the unwelcome and highly resented +presence, unseen but poignant, of a strayed mouse, that had evidently +dashed into its present retreat during the episode of the pony +harnessing. Furtive stamps and shakes and wildly directed pinches failed +to dislodge the intruder, whose motto, indeed, seemed to be Excelsior; +and the lawful occupant of the clothes lay back against the cushions and +endeavoured rapidly to evolve some means for putting an end to the dual +ownership. It was unthinkable that he should continue for the space of a +whole hour in the horrible position of a Rowton House for vagrant mice +(already his imagination had at least doubled the numbers of the alien +invasion). On the other hand, nothing less drastic than partial +disrobing would ease him of his tormentor, and to undress in the presence +of a lady, even for so laudable a purpose, was an idea that made his +eartips tingle in a blush of abject shame. He had never been able to +bring himself even to the mild exposure of open-work socks in the +presence of the fair sex. And yet--the lady in this case was to all +appearances soundly and securely asleep; the mouse, on the other hand, +seemed to be trying to crowd a Wanderjahr into a few strenuous minutes. +If there is any truth in the theory of transmigration, this particular +mouse must certainly have been in a former state a member of the Alpine +Club. Sometimes in its eagerness it lost its footing and slipped for +half an inch or so; and then, in fright, or more probably temper, it bit. +Theodoric was goaded into the most audacious undertaking of his life. +Crimsoning to the hue of a beetroot and keeping an agonised watch on his +slumbering fellow-traveller, he swiftly and noiselessly secured the ends +of his railway-rug to the racks on either side of the carriage, so that a +substantial curtain hung athwart the compartment. In the narrow +dressing-room that he had thus improvised he proceeded with violent haste +to extricate himself partially and the mouse entirely from the +surrounding casings of tweed and half-wool. As the unravelled mouse gave +a wild leap to the floor, the rug, slipping its fastening at either end, +also came down with a heart-curdling flop, and almost simultaneously the +awakened sleeper opened her eyes. With a movement almost quicker than +the mouse's, Theodoric pounced on the rug, and hauled its ample folds +chin-high over his dismantled person as he collapsed into the further +corner of the carriage. The blood raced and beat in the veins of his +neck and forehead, while he waited dumbly for the communication-cord to +be pulled. The lady, however, contented herself with a silent stare at +her strangely muffled companion. How much had she seen, Theodoric +queried to himself, and in any case what on earth must she think of his +present posture? + +"I think I have caught a chill," he ventured desperately. + +"Really, I'm sorry," she replied. "I was just going to ask you if you +would open this window." + +"I fancy it's malaria," he added, his teeth chattering slightly, as much +from fright as from a desire to support his theory. + +"I've got some brandy in my hold-all, if you'll kindly reach it down for +me," said his companion. + +"Not for worlds--I mean, I never take anything for it," he assured her +earnestly. + +"I suppose you caught it in the Tropics?" + +Theodoric, whose acquaintance with the Tropics was limited to an annual +present of a chest of tea from an uncle in Ceylon, felt that even the +malaria was slipping from him. Would it be possible, he wondered, to +disclose the real state of affairs to her in small instalments? + +"Are you afraid of mice?" he ventured, growing, if possible, more scarlet +in the face. + +"Not unless they came in quantities, like those that ate up Bishop Hatto. +Why do you ask?" + +"I had one crawling inside my clothes just now," said Theodoric in a +voice that hardly seemed his own. "It was a most awkward situation." + +"It must have been, if you wear your clothes at all tight," she observed; +"but mice have strange ideas of comfort." + +"I had to get rid of it while you were asleep," he continued; then, with +a gulp, he added, "it was getting rid of it that brought me to--to this." + +"Surely leaving off one small mouse wouldn't bring on a chill," she +exclaimed, with a levity that Theodoric accounted abominable. + +Evidently she had detected something of his predicament, and was enjoying +his confusion. All the blood in his body seemed to have mobilised in one +concentrated blush, and an agony of abasement, worse than a myriad mice, +crept up and down over his soul. And then, as reflection began to assert +itself, sheer terror took the place of humiliation. With every minute +that passed the train was rushing nearer to the crowded and bustling +terminus where dozens of prying eyes would be exchanged for the one +paralysing pair that watched him from the further corner of the carriage. +There was one slender despairing chance, which the next few minutes must +decide. His fellow-traveller might relapse into a blessed slumber. But +as the minutes throbbed by that chance ebbed away. The furtive glance +which Theodoric stole at her from time to time disclosed only an +unwinking wakefulness. + +"I think we must be getting near now," she presently observed. + +Theodoric had already noted with growing terror the recurring stacks of +small, ugly dwellings that heralded the journey's end. The words acted +as a signal. Like a hunted beast breaking cover and dashing madly +towards some other haven of momentary safety he threw aside his rug, and +struggled frantically into his dishevelled garments. He was conscious of +dull surburban stations racing past the window, of a choking, hammering +sensation in his throat and heart, and of an icy silence in that corner +towards which he dared not look. Then as he sank back in his seat, +clothed and almost delirious, the train slowed down to a final crawl, and +the woman spoke. + +"Would you be so kind," she asked, "as to get me a porter to put me into +a cab? It's a shame to trouble you when you're feeling unwell, but being +blind makes one so helpless at a railway station." + + _Printed by_ + MORRISON & GIBB LIMITED + _Edinburgh_ + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REGINALD IN RUSSIA*** + + +******* This file should be named 1870.txt or 1870.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/8/7/1870 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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