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diff --git a/old/rgrus10.txt b/old/rgrus10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a4b368 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/rgrus10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2941 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of Reginald in Russia etc by Saki(Munro) +#4 in our series by Saki (H.H. Munro) + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Reginald in Russia and Other Sketches + +by Saki (H.H. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by Jane Duff; proofed by David Price, email +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk from the 1910 Methuen and Co. edition. + + + + + +REGINALD IN RUSSIA AND OTHER SKETCHES + + + + +Contents: + +REGINALD IN RUSSIA +THE RETICENCE OF LADY ANNE +THE LOST SANJAK +THE SEX THAT DOESN'T SHOP +THE BLOOD-FEUD OF TOAD-WATER +A YOUNG TURKISH CATASTROPHE +JUDKIN OF THE PARCELS +GABRIEL-ERNEST +THE SAINT AND THE GOBLIN +THE SOUL OF LAPLOSHKA +THE BAG +THE STRATEGIST +CROSS CURRENTS +THE BAKER'S DOZEN +THE MOUSE + + + +REGINALD IN RUSSIA + + + +Reginald sat in a corner of the Princess's salon and tried to +forgive the furniture, which started out with an obvious intention +of being Louis Quinze, but relapsed at frequent intervals into +Wilhelm II. + +He classified the Princess with that distinct type of woman that +looks as if it habitually went out to feed hens in the rain. + +Her name was Olga; she kept what she hoped and believed to be a fox- +terrier, and professed what she thought were Socialist opinions. It +is not necessary to be called Olga if you are a Russian Princess; in +fact, Reginald knew quite a number who were called Vera; but the +fox-terrier and the Socialism are essential. + +"The Countess Lomshen keeps a bull-dog," said the Princess suddenly. +"In England is it more chic to have a bull-dog than a fox-terrier?" + +Reginald threw his mind back over the canine fashions of the last +ten years and gave an evasive answer. + +"Do you think her handsome, the Countess Lomshen?" asked the +Princess. + +Reginald thought the Countess's complexion suggested an exclusive +diet of macaroons and pale sherry. He said so. + +"But that cannot be possible," said the Princess triumphantly; "I've +seen her eating fish-soup at Donon's." + +The Princess always defended a friend's complexion if it was really +bad. With her, as with a great many of her sex, charity began at +homeliness and did not generally progress much farther. + +Reginald withdrew his macaroon and sherry theory, and became +interested in a case of miniatures. + +"That?" said the Princess; "that is the old Princess Lorikoff. She +lived in Millionaya Street, near the Winter Palace, and was one of +the Court ladies of the old Russian school. Her knowledge of people +and events was extremely limited; but she used to patronise every +one who came in contact with her. There was a story that when she +died and left the Millionaya for Heaven she addressed St. Peter in +her formal staccato French: 'Je suis la Princesse Lor-i-koff. Il +me donne grand plaisir a faire votre connaissance. Je vous en prie +me presenter au Bon Dieu.' St. Peter made the desired introduction, +and the Princess addressed le Bon Dieu: 'Je suis la Princesse Lor- +i-koff. Il me donne grand plaisir a faire votre connaissance. On a +souvent parle de vous a l'eglise de la rue Million.'" + +"Only the old and the clergy of Established churches know how to be +flippant gracefully," commented Reginald; "which reminds me that in +the Anglican Church in a certain foreign capital, which shall be +nameless, I was present the other day when one of the junior +chaplains was preaching in aid of distressed somethings or other, +and he brought a really eloquent passage to a close with the remark, +'The tears of the afflicted, to what shall I liken them--to +diamonds?' The other junior chaplain, who had been dozing out of +professional jealousy, awoke with a start and asked hurriedly, +'Shall I play to diamonds, partner?' It didn't improve matters when +the senior chaplain remarked dreamily but with painful distinctness, +'Double diamonds.' Every one looked at the preacher, half expecting +him to redouble, but he contented himself with scoring what points +he could under the circumstances." + +"You English are always so frivolous," said the Princess. "In +Russia we have too many troubles to permit of our being +lighthearted." + +Reginald gave a delicate shiver, such as an Italian greyhound might +give in contemplating the approach of an ice age of which he +personally disapproved, and resigned himself to the inevitable +political discussion. + +"Nothing that you hear about us in England is true," was the +Princess's hopeful beginning. + +"I always refused to learn Russian geography at school," observed +Reginald; "I was certain some of the names must be wrong." + +"Everything is wrong with our system of government," continued the +Princess placidly. "The Bureaucrats think only of their pockets, +and the people are exploited and plundered in every direction, and +everything is mismanaged." + +"With us," said Reginald, "a Cabinet usually gets the credit of +being depraved and worthless beyond the bounds of human conception +by the time it has been in office about four years." + +"But if it is a bad Government you can turn it out at the +elections," argued the Princess. + +"As far as I remember, we generally do," said Reginald. + +"But here it is dreadful, every one goes to such extremes. In +England you never go to extremes." + +"We go to the Albert Hall," explained Reginald. + +"There is always a see-saw with us between repression and violence," +continued the Princess; "and the pity of it is the people are really +not in the least inclined to be anything but peaceable. Nowhere +will you find people more good-natured, or family circles where +there is more affection." + +"There I agree with you," said Reginald. "I know a boy who lives +somewhere on the French Quay who is a case in point. His hair curls +naturally, especially on Sundays, and he plays bridge well, even for +a Russian, which is saying much. I don't think he has any other +accomplishments, but his family affection is really of a very high +order. When his maternal grandmother died he didn't go as far as to +give up bridge altogether, but he declared on nothing but black +suits for the next three months. That, I think, was really +beautiful." + +The Princess was not impressed. + +"I think you must be very self-indulgent and live only for +amusement," she said, "a life of pleasure-seeking and card-playing +and dissipation brings only dissatisfaction. You will find that out +some day." + +"Oh, I know it turns out that way sometimes," assented Reginald. +"Forbidden fizz is often the sweetest." + +But the remark was wasted on the Princess, who preferred champagne +that had at least a suggestion of dissolved barley-sugar. + +"I hope you will come and see me again," she said, in a tone that +prevented the hope from becoming too infectious; adding as a happy +afterthought, "you must come to stay with us in the country." + +Her particular part of the country was a few hundred versts the +other side of Tamboff, with some fifteen miles of agrarian +disturbance between her and the nearest neighbour. Reginald felt +that there is some privacy which should be sacred from intrusion. + + + +THE RETICENCE OF LADY ANNE + + + +Egbert came into the large, dimly lit drawing-room with the air of a +man who is not certain whether he is entering a dovecote or a bomb +factory, and is prepared for either eventuality. The little +domestic quarrel over the luncheon-table had not been fought to a +definite finish, and the question was how far Lady Anne was in a +mood to renew or forgo hostilities. Her pose in the arm-chair by +the tea-table was rather elaborately rigid; in the gloom of a +December afternoon Egbert's pince-nez did not materially help him to +discern the expression of her face. + +By way of breaking whatever ice might be floating on the surface he +made a remark about a dim religious light. He or Lady Anne were +accustomed to make that remark between 4.30 and 6 on winter and late +autumn evenings; it was a part of their married life. There was no +recognised rejoinder to it, and Lady Anne made none. + +Don Tarquinio lay astretch on the Persian rug, basking in the +firelight with superb indifference to the possible ill-humour of +Lady Anne. His pedigree was as flawlessly Persian as the rug, and +his ruff was coming into the glory of its second winter. The page- +boy, who had Renaissance tendencies, had christened him Don +Tarquinio. Left to themselves, Egbert and Lady Anne would +unfailingly have called him Fluff, but they were not obstinate. + +Egbert poured himself out some tea. As the silence gave no sign of +breaking on Lady Anne's initiative, he braced himself for another +Yermak effort. + +"My remark at lunch had a purely academic application," he +announced; "you seem to put an unnecessarily personal significance +into it." + +Lady Anne maintained her defensive barrier of silence. The +bullfinch lazily filled in the interval with an air from Iphigenie +en Tauride. Egbert recognised it immediately, because it was the +only air the bullfinch whistled, and he had come to them with the +reputation for whistling it. Both Egbert and Lady Anne would have +preferred something from The Yeomen of the Guard, which was their +favourite opera. In matters artistic they had a similarity of +taste. They leaned towards the honest and explicit in art, a +picture, for instance, that told its own story, with generous +assistance from its title. A riderless warhorse with harness in +obvious disarray, staggering into a courtyard full of pale swooning +women, and marginally noted "Bad News", suggested to their minds a +distinct interpretation of some military catastrophe. They could +see what it was meant to convey, and explain it to friends of duller +intelligence. + +The silence continued. As a rule Lady Anne's displeasure became +articulate and markedly voluble after four minutes of introductory +muteness. Egbert seized the milkjug and poured some of its contents +into Don Tarquinio's saucer; as the saucer was already full to the +brim an unsightly overflow was the result. Don Tarquinio looked on +with a surprised interest that evanesced into elaborate +unconsciousness when he was appealed to by Egbert to come and drink +up some of the spilt matter. Don Tarquinio was prepared to play +many roles in life, but a vacuum carpet-cleaner was not one of them. + +"Don't you think we're being rather foolish?" said Egbert +cheerfully. + +If Lady Anne thought so she didn't say so. + +"I dare say the fault has been partly on my side," continued Egbert, +with evaporating cheerfulness. "After all, I'm only human, you +know. You seem to forget that I'm only human." + +He insisted on the point, as if there had been unfounded suggestions +that he was built on Satyr lines, with goat continuations where the +human left off. + +The bullfinch recommenced its air from Iphigenie en Tauride. Egbert +began to feel depressed. Lady Anne was not drinking her tea. +Perhaps she was feeling unwell. But when Lady Anne felt unwell she +was not wont to be reticent on the subject. "No one knows what I +suffer from indigestion" was one of her favourite statements; but +the lack of knowledge can only have been caused by defective +listening; the amount of information available on the subject would +have supplied material for a monograph. + +Evidently Lady Anne was not feeling unwell. + +Egbert began to think he was being unreasonably dealt with; +naturally he began to make concessions. + +"I dare say," he observed, taking as central a position on the +hearth-rug as Don Tarquinio could be persuaded to concede him, "I +may have been to blame. I am willing, if I can thereby restore +things to a happier standpoint, to undertake to lead a better life." + +He wondered vaguely how it would be possible. Temptations came to +him, in middle age, tentatively and without insistence, like a +neglected butcher-boy who asks for a Christmas box in February for +no more hopeful reason that than he didn't get one in December. He +had no more idea of succumbing to them than he had of purchasing the +fish-knives and fur boas that ladies are impelled to sacrifice +through the medium of advertisement columns during twelve months of +the year. Still, there was something impressive in this unasked-for +renunciation of possibly latent enormities. + +Lady Anne showed no sign of being impressed. + +Egbert looked at her nervously through his glasses. To get the +worst of an argument with her was no new experience. To get the +worst of a monologue was a humiliating novelty. + +"I shall go and dress for diner," he announced in a voice into which +he intended some shade of sternness to creep. + +At the door a final access of weakness impelled him to make a +further appeal. + +"Aren't we being very silly?" + +"A fool" was Don Tarquinio's mental comment as the door closed on +Egbert's retreat. Then he lifted his velvet forepaws in the air and +leapt lightly on to a bookshelf immediately under the bullfinch's +cage. It was the first time he had seemed to notice the bird's +existence, but he was carrying out a long-formed theory of action +with the precision of mature deliberation. The bullfinch, who had +fancied himself something of a despot, depressed himself of a sudden +into a third of his normal displacement; then he fell to a helpless +wing-beating and shrill cheeping. He had cost twenty-seven +shillings without the cage, but Lady Anne made no sign of +interfering. She had been dead for two hours. + + + +THE LOST SANJAK + + + +The prison Chaplain entered the condemned's cell for the last time, +to give such consolation as he might. + +"The only consolation I crave for," said the condemned, "is to tell +my story in its entirety to some one who will at least give it a +respectful hearing." + +"We must not be too long over it," said the Chaplain, looking at his +watch. + +The condemned repressed a shiver and commenced. + +"Most people will be of opinion that I am paying the penalty of my +own violent deeds. In reality I am a victim to a lack of +specialisation in my education and character." + +"Lack of specialisation!" said the Chaplain. + +"Yes. If I had been known as one of the few men in England familiar +with the fauna of the Outer Hebrides, or able to repeat stanzas of +Camoens' poetry in the original, I should have had no difficulty in +proving my identity in the crisis when my identity became a matter +of life and death for me. But my education was merely a moderately +good one, and my temperament was of the general order that avoids +specialisation. I know a little in a general way about gardening +and history and old masters, but I could never tell you off-hand +whether 'Stella van der Loopen' was a chrysanthemum or a heroine of +the American War of Independence, or something by Romney in the +Louvre." + +The Chaplain shifted uneasily in his seat. Now that the +alternatives had been suggested they all seemed dreadfully possible. + +"I fell in love, or thought I did, with the local doctor's wife," +continued the condemned. "Why I should have done so, I cannot say, +for I do not remember that she possessed any particular attractions +of mind or body. On looking back at past events if seems to me that +she must have been distinctly ordinary, but I suppose the doctor had +fallen in love with her once, and what man had done man can do. She +appeared to be pleased with the attentions which I paid her, and to +that extent I suppose I might say she encouraged me, but I think she +was honestly unaware that I meant anything more than a little +neighbourly interest. When one is face to face with Death one +wishes to be just." + +The Chaplain murmured approval. "At any rate, she was genuinely +horrified when I took advantage of the doctor's absence one evening +to declare what I believed to be my passion. She begged me to pass +out of her life, and I could scarcely do otherwise than agree, +though I hadn't the dimmest idea of how it was to be done. In +novels and plays I knew it was a regular occurrence, and if you +mistook a lady's sentiments or intentions you went off to India and +did things on the frontier as a matter of course. As I stumbled +along the doctor's carriagedrive I had no very clear idea as to what +my line of action was to be, but I had a vague feeling that I must +look at the Times Atlas before going to bed. Then, on the dark and +lonely highway, I came suddenly on a dead body." + +The Chaplain's interest in the story visibly quickened. + +"Judging by the clothes it wore, the corpse was that of a Salvation +Army captain. Some shocking accident seemed to have struck him +down, and the head was crushed and battered out of all human +semblance. Probably, I thought, a motor-car fatality; and then, +with a sudden overmastering insistence, came another thought, that +here was a remarkable opportunity for losing my identity and passing +out of the life of the doctor's wife for ever. No tiresome and +risky voyage to distant lands, but a mere exchange of clothes and +identity with the unknown victim of an unwitnessed accident. With +considerable difficulty I undressed the corpse, and clothed it anew +in my own garments. Any one who has valeted a dead Salvation Army +captain in an uncertain light will appreciate the difficulty. With +the idea, presumably, of inducing the doctor's wife to leave her +husband's roof-tree for some habitation which would be run at my +expense, I had crammed my pockets with a store of banknotes, which +represented a good deal of my immediate worldly wealth. When, +therefore, I stole away into the world in the guise of a nameless +Salvationist, I was not without resources which would easily support +so humble a role for a considerable period. I tramped to a +neighbouring market-town, and, late as the hour was, the production +of a few shillings procured me supper and a night's lodging in a +cheap coffee-house. The next day I started forth on an aimless +course of wandering from one small town to another. I was already +somewhat disgusted with the upshot of my sudden freak; in a few +hours' time I was considerably more so. In the contents-bill of a +local news sheet I read the announcement of my own murder at the +hands of some person unknown; on buying a copy of the paper for a +detailed account of the tragedy, which at first had aroused in me a +certain grim amusement, I found that the deed ascribed to a +wandering Salvationist of doubtful antecedents, who had been seen +lurking in the roadway near the scene of the crime. I was no longer +amused. The matter promised to be embarrassing. What I had +mistaken for a motor accident was evidently a case of savage assault +and murder, and, until the real culprit was found, I should have +much difficulty in explaining my intrusion into the affair. Of +course I could establish my own identity; but how, without +disagreeably involving the doctor's wife, could I give any adequate +reason for changing clothes with the murdered man? While my brain +worked feverishly at this problem, I subconsciously obeyed a +secondary instinct--to get as far away as possible from the scene of +the crime, and to get rid at all costs of my incriminating uniform. +There I found a difficulty. I tried two or three obscure clothes +shops, but my entrance invariably aroused an attitude of hostile +suspicion in the proprietors, and on one excuse or another they +avoided serving me with the now ardently desired change of clothing. +The uniform that I had so thoughtlessly donned seemed as difficult +to get out of as the fatal shirt of--You know, I forget the +creature's name." + +"Yes, yes," said the Chaplain hurriedly. "Go on with your story." + +"Somehow, until I could get out of those compromising garments, I +felt it would not be safe to surrender myself to the police. The +thing that puzzled me was why no attempt was made to arrest me, +since there was no question as to the suspicion which followed me, +like an inseparable shadow, wherever I went. Stares, nudgings, +whisperings, and even loud-spoken remarks of 'that's 'im' greeted my +every appearance, and the meanest and most deserted eating-house +that I patronised soon became filled with a crowd of furtively +watching customers. I began to sympathise with the feeling of Royal +personages trying to do a little private shopping under the +unsparing scrutiny of an irrepressible public. And still, with all +this inarticulate shadowing, which weighed on my nerves almost worse +than open hostility would have done, no attempt was made to +interfere with my liberty. Later on I discovered the reason. At +the time of the murder on the lonely highway a series of important +bloodhound trials had been taking place in the near neighbourhood, +and some dozen and a half couples of trained animals had been put on +the track of the supposed murderer--on my track. One of our most +public-spirited London dailies had offered a princely prize to the +owner of the pair that should first track me down, and betting on +the chances of the respective competitors became rife throughout the +land. The dogs ranged far and wide over about thirteen counties, +and though my own movements had become by this time perfectly well- +known to police and public alike, the sporting instincts of the +nation stepped in to prevent my premature arrest. "Give the dogs a +chance," was the prevailing sentiment, whenever some ambitious local +constable wished to put an end to my drawn-out evasion of justice. +My final capture by the winning pair was not a very dramatic +episode, in fact, I'm not sure that they would have taken any notice +of me if I hadn't spoken to them and patted them, but the event gave +rise to an extraordinary amount of partisan excitement. The owner +of the pair who were next nearest up at the finish was an American, +and he lodged a protest on the ground that an otterhound had married +into the family of the winning pair six generations ago, and that +the prize had been offered to the first pair of bloodhounds to +capture the murderer, and that a dog that had 1/64th part of +otterhound blood in it couldn't technically be considered a +bloodhound. I forget how the matter was ultimately settled, but it +aroused a tremendous amount of acrimonious discussion on both sides +of the Atlantic. My own contribution to the controversy consisted +in pointing out that the whole dispute was beside the mark, as the +actual murderer had not yet been captured; but I soon discovered +that on this point there was not the least divergence of public or +expert opinion. I had looked forward apprehensively to the proving +of my identity and the establishment of my motives as a disagreeable +necessity; I speedily found out that the most disagreeable part of +the business was that it couldn't be done. When I saw in the glass +the haggard and hunted expression which the experiences of the past +few weeks had stamped on my erstwhile placid countenance, I could +scarcely feel surprised that the few friends and relations I +possessed refused to recognise me in my altered guise, and persisted +in their obstinate but widely shared belief that it was I who had +been done to death on the highway. To make matters worse, +infinitely worse, an aunt of the really murdered man, an appalling +female of an obviously low order of intelligence, identified me as +her nephew, and gave the authorities a lurid account of my depraved +youth and of her laudable but unavailing efforts to spank me into a +better way. I believe it was even proposed to search me for +fingerprints." + +"But," said the Chaplain, "surely your educational attainments--" + +"That was just the crucial point," said the condemned; "that was +where my lack of specialisation told so fatally against me. The +dead Salvationist, whose identity I had so lightly and so +disastrously adopted, had possessed a veneer of cheap modern +education. It should have been easy to demonstrate that my learning +was on altogether another plane to his, but in my nervousness I +bungled miserably over test after test that was put to me. The +little French I had ever known deserted me; I could not render a +simple phrase about the gooseberry of the gardener into that +language, because I had forgotten the French for gooseberry." + +The Chaplain again wriggled uneasily in his seat. "And then," +resumed the condemned, "came the final discomfiture. In our village +we had a modest little debating club, and I remembered having +promised, chiefly, I suppose, to please and impress the doctor's +wife, to give a sketchy kind of lecture on the Balkan Crisis. I had +relied on being able to get up my facts from one or two standard +works, and the back-numbers of certain periodicals. The prosecution +had made a careful note of the circumstance that the man whom I +claimed to be--and actually was--had posed locally as some sort of +second-hand authority on Balkan affairs, and, in the midst of a +string of questions on indifferent topics, the examining counsel +asked me with a diabolical suddenness if I could tell the Court the +whereabouts of Novibazar. I felt the question to be a crucial one; +something told me that the answer was St. Petersburg or Baker +Street. I hesitated, looked helplessly round at the sea of tensely +expectant faces, pulled myself together, and chose Baker Street. +And then I knew that everything was lost. The prosecution had no +difficulty in demonstrating that an individual, even moderately +versed in the affairs of the Near East, could never have so +unceremoniously dislocated Novibazar from its accustomed corner of +the map. It was an answer which the Salvation Army captain might +conceivably have made--and I made it. The circumstantial evidence +connecting the Salvationist with the crime was overwhelmingly +convincing, and I had inextricably identified myself with the +Salvationist. And thus it comes to pass that in ten minutes' time I +shall be hanged by the neck until I am dead in expiation of the +murder of myself, which murder never took place, and of which, in +any case, I am innocent." + +* * * + +When the Chaplain returned to his quarters some fifteen minutes +later, the black flag was floating over the prison tower. Breakfast +was waiting for him in the dining-room, but he first passed into his +library, and, taking up the Times Atlas, consulted a map of the +Balkan Peninsula. "A thing like that," he observed, closing the +volume with a snap, "might happen to any one." + + + +THE SEX THAT DOESN'T SHOP + + + +The opening of a large new centre for West End shopping, +particularly feminine shopping, suggests the reflection, Do women +ever really shop? Of course, it is a well-attested fact that they +go forth shopping as assiduously as a bee goes flower-visiting, but +do they shop in the practical sense of the word? Granted the money, +time, and energy, a resolute course of shopping transactions would +naturally result in having one's ordinary domestic needs unfailingly +supplied, whereas it is notorious that women servants (and +housewives of all classes) make it almost a point of honour not to +be supplied with everyday necessities. "We shall be out of starch +by Thursday," they say with fatalistic foreboding, and by Thursday +they are out of starch. They have predicted almost to a minute the +moment when their supply would give out and if Thursday happens to +be early closing day their triumph is complete. A shop where starch +is stored for retail purposes possibly stands at their very door, +but the feminine mind has rejected such an obvious source for +replenishing a dwindling stock. "We don't deal there" places it at +once beyond the pale of human resort. And it is noteworthy that, +just as a sheep-worrying dog seldom molests the flocks in his near +neighbourhood, so a woman rarely deals with shops in her immediate +vicinity. The more remote the source of supply the more fixed seems +to be the resolve to run short of the commodity. The Ark had +probably not quitted its last moorings five minutes before some +feminine voice gloatingly recorded a shortage of bird-seed. A few +days ago two lady acquaintances of mine were confessing to some +mental uneasiness because a friend had called just before lunch- +time, and they had been unable to ask her to stop and share their +meal, as (with a touch of legitimate pride) "there was nothing in +the house." I pointed out that they lived in a street that bristled +with provision shops and that it would have been easy to mobilise a +very passable luncheon in less than five minutes. "That," they said +with quiet dignity, "would not have occurred to us," and I felt that +I had suggested something bordering on the indecent. + +But it is in catering for her literary wants that a woman's shopping +capacity breaks down most completely. If you have perchance +produced a book which has met with some little measure of success, +you are certain to get a letter from some lady whom you scarcely +known to bow to, asking you "how it can be got." She knows the name +of the book, its author, and who published it, but how to get into +actual contact with it is still an unsolved problem to her. You +write back pointing out that to have recourse to an ironmonger or a +corn-dealer will only entail delay and disappointment, and suggest +an application to a bookseller as the most hopeful thing you can +think of. In a day or two she writes again: "It is all right; I +have borrowed it from your aunt." Here, of course, we have an +example of the Beyond-Shopper, one who has learned the Better Way, +but the helplessness exists even when such bypaths of relief are +closed. A lady who lives in the West End was expressing to me the +other day her interest in West Highland terriers, and her desire to +know more about the breed, so when, a few days later, I came across +an exhaustive article on that subject in the current number of one +of our best known outdoor-life weeklies, I mentioned that +circumstance in a letter, giving the date of that number. "I cannot +get the paper," was her telephoned response. And she couldn't. She +lived in a city where newsagents are numbered, I suppose, by the +thousand, and she must have passed dozens of such shops in her daily +shopping excursions, but as far as she was concerned that article on +West Highland terriers might as well have been written in a missal +stored away in some Buddhist monastery in Eastern Thibet. + +The brutal directness of the masculine shopper arouses a certain +combative derision in the feminine onlooker. A cat that spreads one +shrew-mouse over the greater part of a long summer afternoon, and +then possibly loses him, doubtless feels the same contempt for the +terrier who compresses his rat into ten seconds of the strenuous +life. I was finishing off a short list of purchases a few +afternoons ago when I was discovered by a lady of my acquaintance +whom, swerving aside from the lead given us by her godparents thirty +years ago, we will call Agatha. + +"You're surely not buying blotting-paper HERE?" she exclaimed in an +agitated whisper, and she seemed so genuinely concerned that I +stayed my hand. + +"Let me take you to Winks and Pinks," she said as soon as we were +out of the building: "they've got such lovely shades of blotting- +paper--pearl and heliotrope and momie and crushed--" + +"But I want ordinary white blotting-paper," I said. + +"Never mind. They know me at Winks and Pinks," she replied +inconsequently. Agatha apparently has an idea that blotting-paper +is only sold in small quantities to persons of known reputation, who +may be trusted not to put it to dangerous or improper uses. After +walking some two hundred yards she began to feel that her tea was of +more immediate importance than my blotting-paper. + +"What do you want blotting-paper for?" she asked suddenly. I +explained patiently. + +"I use it to dry up the ink of wet manuscript without smudging the +writing. Probably a Chinese invention of the second century before +Christ, but I'm not sure. The only other use for it that I can +think of is to roll it into a ball for a kitten to play with." + +"But you haven't got a kitten," said Agatha, with a feminine desire +for stating the entire truth on most occasions. + +"A stray one might come in at any moment," I replied. + +Anyway, I didn't get the blotting-paper. + + + +THE BLOOD-FEUD OF TOAD-WATER +A WEST-COUNTRY EPIC + + + +The Cricks lived at Toad-Water; and in the same lonely upland spot +Fate had pitched the home of the Saunderses, and for miles around +these two dwellings there was never a neighbour or a chimney or even +a burying-ground to bring a sense of cheerful communion or social +intercourse. Nothing but fields and spinneys and barns, lanes and +waste-lands. Such was Toad-Water; and, even so, Toad-Water had its +history. + +Thrust away in the benighted hinterland of a scattered market +district, it might have been supposed that these two detached items +of the Great Human Family would have leaned towards one another in a +fellowship begotten of kindred circumstances and a common isolation +from the outer world. And perhaps it had been so once, but the way +of things had brought it otherwise. Indeed, otherwise. Fate, which +had linked the two families in such unavoidable association of +habitat, had ordained that the Crick household should nourish and +maintain among its earthly possessions sundry head of domestic +fowls, while to the Saunderses was given a disposition towards the +cultivation of garden crops. Herein lay the material, ready to +hand, for the coming of feud and ill-blood. For the grudge between +the man of herbs and the man of live stock is no new thing; you will +find traces of it in the fourth chapter of Genesis. And one sunny +afternoon in late spring-time the feud came--came, as such things +mostly do come, with seeming aimlessness and triviality. One of the +Crick hens, in obedience to the nomadic instincts of her kind, +wearied of her legitimate scatching-ground, and flew over the low +wall that divided the holdings of the neighbours. And there, on the +yonder side, with a hurried consciousness that her time and +opportunities might be limited, the misguided bird scratched and +scraped and beaked and delved in the soft yielding bed that had been +prepared for the solace and well-being of a colony of seedling +onions. Little showers of earth-mould and root-fibres went spraying +before the hen and behind her, and every minute the area of her +operations widened. The onions suffered considerably. Mrs. +Saunders, sauntering at this luckless moment down the garden path, +in order to fill her soul with reproaches at the iniquity of the +weeds, which grew faster than she or her good man cared to remove +them, stopped in mute discomfiture before the presence of a more +magnificent grievance. And then, in the hour of her calamity, she +turned instinctively to the Great Mother, and gathered in her +capacious hands large clods of the hard brown soil that lay at her +feet. With a terrible sincerity of purpose, though with a +contemptible inadequacy of aim, she rained her earth bolts at the +marauder, and the bursting pellets called forth a flood of cackling +protest and panic from the hastily departing fowl. Calmness under +misfortune is not an attribute of either hen-folk or womenkind, and +while Mrs. Saunders declaimed over her onion bed such portions of +the slang dictionary as are permitted by the Nonconformist +conscience to be said or sung, the Vasco da Gama fowl was waking the +echoes of Toad-Water with crescendo bursts of throat music which +compelled attention to her griefs. Mrs. Crick had a long family, +and was therefore licensed, in the eyes of her world, to have a +short temper, and when some of her ubiquitous offspring had informed +her, with the authority of eye-witnesses, that her neighbour had so +far forgotten herself as to heave stones at her hen--her best hen, +the best layer in the countryside--her thoughts clothed themselves +in language "unbecoming to a Christian woman"--so at least said Mrs. +Saunders, to whom most of the language was applied. Nor was she, on +her part, surprised at Mrs. Crick's conduct in letting her hens +stray into other body's gardens, and then abusing of them, seeing as +how she remembered things against Mrs. Crick--and the latter +simultaneously had recollections of lurking episodes in the past of +Susan Saunders that were nothing to her credit. "Fond memory, when +all things fade we fly to thee," and in the paling light of an April +afternoon the two women confronted each other from their respective +sides of the party wall, recalling with shuddering breath the blots +and blemishes of their neighbour's family record. There was that +aunt of Mrs. Crick's who had died a pauper in Exeter workhouse-- +every one knew that Mrs. Saunders' uncle on her mother's side drank +himself to death--then there was that Bristol cousin of Mrs. +Crick's! From the shrill triumph with which his name was dragged +in, his crime must have been pilfering from a cathedral at least, +but as both remembrancers were speaking at once it was difficult to +distinguish his infamy from the scandal which beclouded the memory +of Mrs. Saunders' brother's wife's mother--who may have been a +regicide, and was certainly not a nice person as Mrs. Crick painted +her. And then, with an air of accumulating and irresistible +conviction, each belligerent informed the other that she was no +lady--after which they withdrew in a great silence, feeling that +nothing further remained to be said. The chaffinches clinked in the +apple trees and the bees droned round the berberis bushes, and the +waning sunlight slanted pleasantly across the garden plots, but +between the neighbour households had sprung up a barrier of hate, +permeating and permanent. + +The male heads of the families were necessarily drawn into the +quarrel, and the children on either side were forbidden to have +anything to do with the unhallowed offspring of the other party. As +they had to travel a good three miles along the same road to school +every day, this was awkward, but such things have to be. Thus all +communication between the households was sundered. Except the cats. +Much as Mrs. Saunders might deplore it, rumour persistently pointed +to the Crick he-cat as the presumable father of sundry kittens of +which the Saunders she-cat was indisputably the mother. Mrs. +Saunders drowned the kittens, but the disgrace remained. + +Summer succeeded spring, and winter summer, but the feud outlasted +the waning seasons. Once, indeed, it seemed as though the healing +influences of religion might restore to Toad-Water its erstwhile +peace; the hostile families found themselves side by side in the +soul-kindling atmosphere of a Revival Tea, where hymns were blended +with a beverage that came of tea-leaves and hot water and took after +the latter parent, and where ghostly counsel was tempered by +garnishings of solidly fashioned buns--and here, wrought up by the +environment of festive piety, Mrs. Saunders so far unbent as to +remark guardedly to Mrs. Crick that the evening had been a fine one. +Mrs. Crick, under the influence of her ninth cup of tea and her +fourth hymn, ventured on the hope that it might continue fine, but a +maladroit allusion on the part of the Saunders good man to the +backwardness of garden crops brought the Feud stalking forth from +its corner with all its old bitterness. Mrs. Saunders joined +heartily in the singing of the final hymn, which told of peace and +joy and archangels and golden glories; but her thoughts were +dwelling on the pauper aunt of Exeter. + +Years have rolled away, and some of the actors in this wayside drama +have passed into the Unknown; other onions have arisen, have +flourished, have gone their way, and the offending hen has long +since expiated her misdeeds and lain with trussed feet and a look of +ineffable peace under the arched roof of Barnstaple market. + +But the Blood-feud of Toad-Water survives to this day. + + + +A YOUNG TURKISH CATASTROPHE +IN TWO SCENES + + + +The Minister for Fine Arts (to whose Department had been lately +added the new sub-section of Electoral Engineering) paid a business +visit to the Grand Vizier. According to Eastern etiquette they +discoursed for a while on indifferent subjects. The minister only +checked himself in time from making a passing reference to the +Marathon Race, remembering that the Vizier had a Persian grandmother +and might consider any allusion to Marathon as somewhat tactless. +Presently the Minister broached the subject of his interview. + +"Under the new Constitution are women to have votes?" he asked +suddenly. + +"To have votes? Women?" exclaimed the Vizier in some astonishment. +"My dear Pasha, the New Departure has a flavour of the absurd as it +is; don't let's try and make it altogether ridiculous. Women have +no souls and no intelligence; why on earth should they have votes?" + +"I know it sounds absurd," said the Minister, "but they are +seriously considering the idea in the West." + +"Then they must have a larger equipment of seriousness than I gave +them credit for. After a lifetime of specialised effort in +maintaining my gravity I can scarcely restrain an inclination to +smile at the suggestion. Why, out womenfolk in most cases don't +know how to read or write. How could they perform the operation of +voting?" + +"They could be shown the names of the candidates and where to make +their cross." + +"I beg your pardon?" interrupted the Vizier. + +"Their crescent, I mean," corrected the Minister. "It would be to +the liking of the Young Turkish Party," he added. + +"Oh, well," said the Vizier, "if we are to do the thing at all we +may as well go the whole h- " he pulled up just as he was uttering +the name of an unclean animal, and continued, "the complete camel. +I will issue instructions that womenfolk are to have votes." + +* * * + +The poll was drawing to a close in the Lakoumistan division. The +candidate of the Young Turkish Party was known to be three or four +hundred votes ahead, and he was already drafting his address, +returning thanks to the electors. His victory had been almost a +foregone conclusion, for he had set in motion all the approved +electioneering machinery of the West. He had even employed +motorcars. Few of his supporters had gone to the poll in these +vehicles, but, thanks to the intelligent driving of his chauffeurs, +many of his opponents had gone to their graves or to the local +hospitals, or otherwise abstained from voting. And then something +unlooked-for happened. The rival candidate, Ali the Blest, arrived +on the scene with his wives and womenfolk, who numbered, roughly, +six hundred. Ali had wasted little effort on election literature, +but had been heard to remark that every vote given to his opponent +meant another sack thrown into the Bosphorus. The Young Turkish +candidate, who had conformed to the Western custom of one wife and +hardly any mistresses, stood by helplessly while his adversary's +poll swelled to a triumphant majority. + +"Cristabel Columbus!" he exclaimed, invoking in some confusion the +name of a distinguished pioneer; "who would have thought it?" + +"Strange," mused Ali, "that one who harangued so clamorously about +the Secret Ballot should have overlooked the Veiled Vote." + +And, walking homeward with his constituents, he murmured in his +beard an improvisation on the heretic poet of Persia: + + +"One, rich in metaphors, his Cause contrives +To urge with edged words, like Kabul knives; +And I, who worst him in this sorry game, +Was never rich in anything but--wives." + + + +JUDKIN OF THE PARCELS + + + +A figure in an indefinite tweed suit, carrying brown-paper parcels. +That is what we met suddenly, at the bend of a muddy Dorsetshire +lane, and the roan mare stared and obviously thought of a curtsey. +The mare is road-shy, with intervals of stolidity, and there is no +telling what she will pass and what she won't. We call her Redford. +That was my first meeting with Judkin, and the next time the +circumstances were the same; the same muddy lane, the same rather +apologetic figure in the tweed suit, the same--or very similar-- +parcels. Only this time the roan looked straight in front of her. + +Whether I asked the groom or whether he advanced the information, I +forget; but someway I gradually reconstructed the life-history of +this trudger of the lanes. It was much the same, no doubt, as that +of many others who are from time to time pointed out to one as +having been aforetime in crack cavalry regiments and noted +performers in the saddle; men who have breathed into their lungs the +wonder of the East, have romped through life as through a cotillon, +have had a thrust perhaps at the Viceroy's Cup, and done fantastic +horsefleshy things around the Gulf of Aden. And then a golden +stream has dried up, the sunlight has faded suddenly out of things, +and the gods have nodded "Go." And they have not gone. They have +turned instead to the muddy lanes and cheap villas and the marked- +down ills of life, to watch pear trees growing and to encourage hens +for their eggs. And Judkin was even as these others; the wine had +been suddenly spilt from his cup of life, and he had stayed to suck +at the dregs which the wise throw away. In the days of his scorn +for most things he would have stared the roan mare and her turn-out +out of all pretension to smartness, as he would have frozen a cheap +claret behind its cork, or a plain woman behind her veil; and now he +was walking stoically through the mud, in a tweed suit that would +eventually go on to the gardener's boy, and would perhaps fit him. +The dear gods, who know the end before the beginning, were perhaps +growing a gardener's boy somewhere to fit the garments, and Judkin +was only a caretaker, inhabiting a portion of them. That is what I +like to think, and I am probably wrong. And Judkin, whose clothes +had been to him once more than a religion, scarcely less sacred than +a family quarrel, would carry those parcels back to his villa and to +the wife who awaited him and them--a wife who may, for all we know +to the contrary, have had a figure once, and perhaps has yet a heart +of gold--of nine-carat gold, let us say at the least--but assuredly +a soul of tape. And he that has fetched and carried will explain +how it has fared with him in his dealings, and if he has brought the +wrong sort of sugar or thread he will wheedle away the displeasure +from that leaden face as a pastrycook girl will drive bluebottles +off a stale bun. And that man has known what it was to coax the +fret of a thoroughbred, to soothe its toss and sweat as it danced +beneath him in the glee and chafe of its pulses and the glory of its +thews. He has been in the raw places of the earth, where the desert +beasts have whimpered their unthinkable psalmody, and their eyes +have shone back the reflex of the midnight stars--and he can immerse +himself in the tending of an incubator. It is horrible and wrong, +and yet when I have met him in the lanes his face has worn a look of +tedious cheerfulness that might pass for happiness. Has Judkin of +the Parcels found something in the lees of life that I have missed +in going to and fro over many waters? Is there more wisdom in his +perverseness than in the madness of the wise? The dear gods know. + +I don't think I saw Judkin more than three times all told, and +always the lane was our point of contact; but as the roan mare was +taking me to the station one heavy, cloud-smeared day, I passed a +dull-looking villa that the groom, or instinct, told me was Judkin's +home. From beyond a hedge of ragged elder-bushes could be heard the +thud, thud of a spade, with an occasional clink and pause, as if +some one had picked out a stone and thrown it to a distance, and I +knew that HE was doing nameless things to the roots of a pear tree. +Near by him, I felt sure, would be lying a large and late vegetable +marrow, and its largeness and lateness would be a theme of +conversation at luncheon. It would be suggested that it should +grace the harvest thanksgiving service; the harvest having been so +generally unsatisfactory, it would be unfair to let the farmers +supply all the material for rejoicing. + +And while I was speeding townwards along the rails Judkin would be +plodding his way to the vicarage bearing a vegetable marrow and a +basketful of dahlias. The basket to be returned. + + + +GABRIEL-ERNEST + + + +"There is a wild beast in your woods," said the artist Cunningham, +as he was being driven to the station. It was the only remark he +had made during the drive, but as Van Cheele had talked incessantly +his companion's silence had not been noticeable. + +"A stray fox or two and some resident weasels. Nothing more +formidable," said Van Cheele. The artist said nothing. + +"What did you mean about a wild beast?" said Van Cheele later, when +they were on the platform. + +"Nothing. My imagination. Here is the train," said Cunningham. + +That afternoon Van Cheele went for one of his frequent rambles +through his woodland property. He had a stuffed bittern in his +study, and knew the names of quite a number of wild flowers, so his +aunt had possibly some justification in describing him as a great +naturalist. At any rate, he was a great walker. It was his custom +to take mental notes of everything he saw during his walks, not so +much for the purpose of assisting contemporary science as to provide +topics for conversation afterwards. When the bluebells began to +show themselves in flower he made a point of informing every one of +the fact; the season of the year might have warned his hearers of +the likelihood of such an occurrence, but at least they felt that he +was being absolutely frank with them. + +What Van Cheele saw on this particular afternoon was, however, +something far removed from his ordinary range of experience. On a +shelf of smooth stone overhanging a deep pool in the hollow of an +oak coppice a boy of about sixteen lay asprawl, drying his wet brown +limbs luxuriously in the sun. His wet hair, parted by a recent +dive, lay close to his head, and his light-brown eyes, so light that +there was an almost tigerish gleam in them, were turned towards Van +Cheele with a certain lazy watchfulness. It was an unexpected +apparition, and Van Cheele found himself engaged in the novel +process of thinking before he spoke. Where on earth could this +wild-looking boy hail from? The miller's wife had lost a child some +two months ago, supposed to have been swept away by the mill-race, +but that had been a mere baby, not a half-grown lad. + +"What are you doing there?" he demanded. + +"Obviously, sunning myself," replied the boy. + +"Where do you live?" + +"Here, in these woods." + +"You can't live in the woods," said Van Cheele. + +"They are very nice woods," said the boy, with a touch of patronage +in his voice. + +"But where do you sleep at night?" + +"I don't sleep at night; that's my busiest time." + +Van Cheele began to have an irritated feeling that he was grappling +with a problem that was eluding him. + +"What do you feed on?" he asked. + +"Flesh," said the boy, and he pronounced the word with slow relish, +as though he were tasting it. + +"Flesh! What Flesh?" + +"Since it interests you, rabbits, wild-fowl, hares, poultry, lambs +in their season, children when I can get any; they're usually too +well locked in at night, when I do most of my hunting. It's quite +two months since I tasted child-flesh." + +Ignoring the chaffing nature of the last remark Van Cheele tried to +draw the boy on the subject of possible poaching operations. + +"You're talking rather through your hat when you speak of feeding on +hares." (Considering the nature of the boy's toilet the simile was +hardly an apt one.) "Our hillside hares aren't easily caught." + +"At night I hunt on four feet," was the somewhat cryptic response. + +"I suppose you mean that you hunt with a dog?" hazarded Van Cheele. + +The boy rolled slowly over on to his back, and laughed a weird low +laugh, that was pleasantly like a chuckle and disagreeably like a +snarl. + +"I don't fancy any dog would be very anxious for my company, +especially at night." + +Van Cheele began to feel that there was something positively uncanny +about the strange-eyed, strange-tongued youngster. + +"I can't have you staying in these woods," he declared +authoritatively. + +"I fancy you'd rather have me here than in your house," said the +boy. + +The prospect of this wild, nude animal in Van Cheele's primly +ordered house was certainly an alarming one. + +"If you don't go. I shall have to make you," said Van Cheele. + +The boy turned like a flash, plunged into the pool, and in a moment +had flung his wet and glistening body half-way up the bank where Van +Cheele was standing. In an otter the movement would not have been +remarkable; in a boy Van Cheele found it sufficiently startling. +His foot slipped as he made an involuntarily backward movement, and +he found himself almost prostrate on the slippery weed-grown bank, +with those tigerish yellow eyes not very far from his own. Almost +instinctively he half raised his hand to his throat. They boy +laughed again, a laugh in which the snarl had nearly driven out the +chuckle, and then, with another of his astonishing lightning +movements, plunged out of view into a yielding tangle of weed and +fern. + +"What an extraordinary wild animal!" said Van Cheele as he picked +himself up. And then he recalled Cunningham's remark "There is a +wild beast in your woods." + +Walking slowly homeward, Van Cheele began to turn over in his mind +various local occurrences which might be traceable to the existence +of this astonishing young savage. + +Something had been thinning the game in the woods lately, poultry +had been missing from the farms, hares were growing unaccountably +scarcer, and complaints had reached him of lambs being carried off +bodily from the hills. Was it possible that this wild boy was +really hunting the countryside in company with some clever poacher +dogs? He had spoken of hunting "four-footed" by night, but then, +again, he had hinted strangely at no dog caring to come near him, +"especially at night." It was certainly puzzling. And then, as Van +Cheele ran his mind over the various depredations that had been +committed during the last month or two, he came suddenly to a dead +stop, alike in his walk and his speculations. The child missing +from the mill two months ago--the accepted theory was that it had +tumbled into the mill-race and been swept away; but the mother had +always declared she had heard a shriek on the hill side of the +house, in the opposite direction from the water. It was +unthinkable, of course, but he wished that the boy had not made that +uncanny remark about child-flesh eaten two months ago. Such +dreadful things should not be said even in fun. + +Van Cheele, contrary to his usual wont, did not feel disposed to be +communicative about his discovery in the wood. His position as a +parish councillor and justice of the peace seemed somehow +compromised by the fact that he was harbouring a personality of such +doubtful repute on his property; there was even a possibility that a +heavy bill of damages for raided lambs and poultry might be laid at +his door. At dinner that night he was quite unusually silent. + +"Where's your voice gone to?" said his aunt. "One would think you +had seen a wolf." + +Van Cheele, who was not familiar with the old saying, thought the +remark rather foolish; if he HAD seen a wolf on his property his +tongue would have been extraordinarily busy with the subject. + +At breakfast next morning Van Cheele was conscious that his feeling +of uneasiness regarding yesterday's episode had not wholly +disappeared, and he resolved to go by train to the neighbouring +cathedral town, hunt up Cunningham, and learn from him what he had +really seen that had prompted the remark about a wild beast in the +woods. With this resolution taken, his usual cheerfulness partially +returned, and he hummed a bright little melody as he sauntered to +the morning-room for his customary cigarette. As he entered the +room the melody made way abruptly for a pious invocation. +Gracefully asprawl on the ottoman, in an attitude of almost +exaggerated repose, was the boy of the woods. He was drier than +when Van Cheele had last seen him, but no other alteration was +noticeable in his toilet. + +"How dare you come here?" asked Van Cheele furiously. + +"You told me I was not to stay in the woods," said the boy calmly. + +"But not to come here. Supposing my aunt should see you!" + +And with a view to minimising that catastrophe, Van Cheele hastily +obscured as much of his unwelcome guest as possible under the folds +of a Morning Post. At that moment his aunt entered the room. + +"This is a poor boy who has lost his way--and lost his memory. He +doesn't know who he is or where he comes from," explained Van Cheele +desperately, glancing apprehensively at the waif's face to see +whether he was going to add inconvenient candour to his other savage +propensities. + +Miss Van Cheele was enormously interested. + +"Perhaps his underlinen is marked," she suggested. + +"He seems to have lost most of that, too," said Van Cheele, making +frantic little grabs at the Morning Post to keep it in its place. + +A naked homeless child appealed to Miss Van Cheele as warmly as a +stray kitten or derelict puppy would have done. + +"We must do all we can for him," she decided, and in a very short +time a messenger, dispatched to the rectory, where a page-boy was +kept, had returned with a suit of pantry clothes, and the necessary +accessories of shirt, shoes, collar, etc. Clothed, clean, and +groomed, the boy lost none of his uncanniness in Van Cheele's eyes, +but his aunt found him sweet. + +"We must call him something till we know who he really is," she +said. "Gabriel-Ernest, I think; those are nice suitable names." + +Van Cheele agreed, but he privately doubted whether they were being +grafted on to a nice suitable child. His misgivings were not +diminished by the fact that his staid and elderly spaniel had bolted +out of the house at the first incoming of the boy, and now +obstinately remained shivering and yapping at the farther end of the +orchard, while the canary, usually as vocally industrious as Van +Cheele himself, had put itself on an allowance of frightened cheeps. +More than ever he was resolved to consult Cunningham without loss of +time. + +As he drove off to the station his aunt was arranging that Gabriel- +Ernest should help her to entertain the infant members of her +Sunday-school class at tea that afternoon. + +Cunningham was not at first disposed to be communicative. + +"My mother died of some brain trouble," he explained, "so you will +understand why I am averse to dwelling on anything of an impossibly +fantastic nature that I may see or think that I have seen." + +"But what DID you see?" persisted Van Cheele. + +"What I thought I saw was something so extraordinary that no really +sane man could dignify it with the credit of having actually +happened. I was standing, the last evening I was with you, half- +hidden in the hedgegrowth by the orchard gate, watching the dying +glow of the sunset. Suddenly I became aware of a naked boy, a +bather from some neighbouring pool, I took him to be, who was +standing out on the bare hillside also watching the sunset. His +pose was so suggestive of some wild faun of Pagan myth that I +instantly wanted to engage him as a model, and in another moment I +think I should have hailed him. But just then the sun dipped out of +view, and all the orange and pink slid out of the landscape, leaving +it cold and grey. And at the same moment an astounding thing +happened--the boy vanished too!" + +"What! vanished away into nothing?" asked Van Cheele excitedly. + +"No; that is the dreadful part of it," answered the artist; "on the +open hillside where the boy had been standing a second ago, stood a +large wolf, blackish in colour, with gleaming fangs and cruel, +yellow eyes. You may think--" + +But Van Cheele did not stop for anything as futile as thought. +Already he was tearing at top speed towards the station. He +dismissed the idea of a telegram. "Gabriel-Ernest is a werewolf" +was a hopelessly inadequate effort at conveying the situation, and +his aunt would think it was a code message to which he had omitted +to give her the key. His one hope was that he might reach home +before sundown. The cab which he chartered at the other end of the +railway journey bore him with what seemed exasperating slowness +along the country roads, which were pink and mauve with the flush of +the sinking sun. His aunt was putting away some unfinished jams and +cake when he arrived. + +"Where is Gabriel-Ernest?" he almost screamed. + +"He is taking the little Toop child home," said his aunt. "It was +getting so late, I thought it wasn't safe to let it go back alone. +What a lovely sunset, isn't it?" + +But Van Cheele, although not oblivious of the glow in the western +sky, did not stay to discuss its beauties. At a speed for which he +was scarcely geared he raced along the narrow lane that led to the +home of the Toops. On one side ran the swift current of the mill- +stream, on the other rose the stretch of bare hillside. A dwindling +rim of red sun showed still on the skyline, and the next turning +must bring him in view of the ill-assorted couple he was pursuing. +Then the colour went suddenly out of things, and a grey light +settled itself with a quick shiver over the landscape. Van Cheele +heard a shrill wail of fear, and stopped running. + +Nothing was ever seen again of the Toop child or Gabriel-Ernest, but +the latter's discarded garments were found lying in the road so it +was assumed that the child had fallen into the water, and that the +boy had stripped and jumped in, in a vain endeavour to save it. Van +Cheele and some workmen who were near by at the time testified to +having heard a child scream loudly just near the spot where the +clothes were found. Mrs. Toop, who had eleven other children, was +decently resigned to her bereavement, but Miss Van Cheele sincerely +mourned her lost foundling. It was on her initiative that a +memorial brass was put up in the parish church to "Gabriel-Ernest, +an unknown boy, who bravely sacrificed his life for another." + +Van Cheele gave way to his aunt in most things, but he flatly +refused to subscribe to the Gabriel-Ernest memorial. + + + +THE SAINT AND THE GOBLIN + + + +The little stone Saint occupied a retired niche in a side aisle of +the old cathedral. No one quite remembered who he had been, but +that in a way was a guarantee of respectability. At least so the +Goblin said. The Goblin was a very fine specimen of quaint stone +carving, and lived up in the corbel on the wall opposite the niche +of the little Saint. He was connected with some of the best +cathedral folk, such as the queer carvings in the choir stalls and +chancel screen, and even the gargoyles high up on the roof. All the +fantastic beasts and manikins that sprawled and twisted in wood or +stone or lead overhead in the arches or away down in the crypt were +in some way akin to him; consequently he was a person of recognised +importance in the cathedral world. + +The little stone Saint and the Goblin got on very well together, +though they looked at most things from different points of view. +The Saint was a philanthropist in an old fashioned way; he thought +the world, as he saw it, was good, but might be improved. In +particular he pitied the church mice, who were miserably poor. The +Goblin, on the other hand, was of opinion that the world, as he knew +it, was bad, but had better be let alone. It was the function of +the church mice to be poor. + +"All the same," said the Saint, "I feel very sorry for them." + +"Of course you do," said the Goblin; "it's YOUR function to feel +sorry for them. If they were to leave off being poor you couldn't +fulfil your functions. You'd be a sinecure." + +He rather hoped that the Saint would ask him what a sinecure meant, +but the latter took refuge in a stony silence. The Goblin might be +right, but still, he thought, he would like to do something for the +church mice before winter came on; they were so very poor. + +Whilst he was thinking the matter over he was startled by something +falling between his feet with a hard metallic clatter. It was a +bright new thaler; one of the cathedral jackdaws, who collected such +things, had flown in with it to a stone cornice just above his +niche, and the banging of the sacristy door had startled him into +dropping it. Since the invention of gunpowder the family nerves +were not what they had been. + +"What have you got there?" asked the Goblin. + +"A silver thaler," said the Saint. "Really," he continued, "it is +most fortunate; now I can do something for the church mice." + +"How will you manage it?" asked the Goblin. + +The Saint considered. + +"I will appear in a vision to the vergeress who sweeps the floors. +I will tell her that she will find a silver thaler between my feet, +and that she must take it and buy a measure of corn and put it on my +shrine. When she finds the money she will know that it was a true +dream, and she will take care to follow my directions. Then the +mice will have food all the winter." + +"Of course YOU can do that," observed the Goblin. "Now, I can only +appear to people after they have had a heavy supper of indigestible +things. My opportunities with the vergeress would be limited. +There is some advantage in being a saint after all." + +All this while the coin was lying at the Saint's feet. It was clean +and glittering and had the Elector's arms beautifully stamped upon +it. The Saint began to reflect that such an opportunity was too +rare to be hastily disposed of. Perhaps indiscriminate charity +might be harmful to the church mice. After all, it was their +function to be poor; the Goblin had said so, and the Goblin was +generally right. + +"I've been thinking," he said to that personage, "that perhaps it +would be really better if I ordered a thaler's worth of candles to +be placed on my shrine instead of the corn." + +He often wished, for the look of the thing, that people would +sometimes burn candles at his shrine; but as they had forgotten who +he was it was not considered a profitable speculation to pay him +that attention. + +"Candles would be more orthodox," said the Goblin. + +"More orthodox, certainly," agreed the Saint, "and the mice could +have the ends to eat; candle-ends are most fattening." + +The Goblin was too well bred to wink; besides, being a stone goblin, +it was out of the question. + +* * * + +"Well, if it ain't there, sure enough!" said the vergeress next +morning. She took the shining coin down from the dusty niche and +turned it over and over in her grimy hands. Then she put it to her +mouth and bit it. + +"She can't be going to eat it," thought the Saint, and fixed her +with his stoniest stare. + +"Well," said the woman, in a somewhat shriller key, "who'd have +thought it! A saint, too!" + +Then she did an unaccountable thing. She hunted an old piece of +tape out of her pocket, and tied to crosswise, with a big loop, +round the thaler, and hung it round the neck of the little Saint. + +Then she went away. + +"The only possible explanation," said the Goblin, "is that it's a +bad one." + +* * * + +"What is that decoration your neighbour is wearing?" asked a wyvern +that was wrought into the capital of an adjacent pillar. + +The Saint was ready to cry with mortification, only, being of stone, +he couldn't. + +"It's a coin of--ahem!--fabulous value," replied the Goblin +tactfully. + +And the news went round the Cathedral that the shrine of the little +stone Saint had been enriched by a priceless offering. + +"After all, it's something to have the conscience of a goblin," said +the Saint to himself. + +The church mice were as poor as ever. But that was their function. + + + +THE SOUL OF LAPLOSHKA + + + +Laploshka was one of the meanest men I have ever met, and quite one +of the most entertaining. He said horrid things about other people +in such a charming way that one forgave him for the equally horrid +things he said about oneself behind one's back. Hating anything in +the way of ill-natured gossip ourselves, we are always grateful to +those who do it for us and do it well. And Laploshka did it really +well. + +Naturally Laploshka had a large circle of acquaintances, and as he +exercised some care in their selection it followed that an +appreciable proportion were men whose bank balances enabled them to +acquiesce indulgently in his rather one-sided views on hospitality. +Thus, although possessed of only moderate means, he was able to live +comfortably within his income, and still more comfortably within +those of various tolerantly disposed associates. + +But towards the poor or to those of the same limited resources as +himself his attitude was one of watchful anxiety; he seemed to be +haunted by a besetting fear lest some fraction of a shilling or +franc, or whatever the prevailing coinage might be, should be +diverted from his pocket or service into that of a hard-up +companion. A two-franc cigar would be cheerfully offered to a +wealthy patron, on the principle of doing evil that good may come, +but I have known him indulge in agonies of perjury rather than admit +the incriminating possession of a copper coin when change was needed +to tip a waiter. The coin would have been duly returned at the +earliest opportunity--he would have taken means to insure against +forgetfulness on the part of the borrower--but accidents might +happen, and even the temporary estrangement from his penny or sou +was a calamity to be avoided. + +The knowledge of this amiable weakness offered a perpetual +temptation to play upon Laploshka's fears of involuntary generosity. +To offer him a lift in a cab and pretend not to have enough money to +pay the fair, to fluster him with a request for a sixpence when his +hand was full of silver just received in change, these were a few of +the petty torments that ingenuity prompted as occasion afforded. To +do justice to Laploshka's resourcefulness it must be admitted that +he always emerged somehow or other from the most embarrassing +dilemma without in any way compromising his reputation for saying +"No." But the gods send opportunities at some time to most men, and +mine came one evening when Laploshka and I were supping together in +a cheap boulevard restaurant. (Except when he was the bidden guest +of some one with an irreproachable income, Laploshka was wont to +curb his appetite for high living; on such fortunate occasions he +let it go on an easy snaffle.) At the conclusion of the meal a +somewhat urgent message called me away, and without heeding my +companion's agitated protest, I called back cruelly, "Pay my share; +I'll settle with you to-morrow." Early on the morrow Laploshka +hunted me down by instinct as I walked along a side street that I +hardly ever frequented. He had the air of a man who had not slept. + +"You owe me two francs from last night," was his breathless +greeting. + +I spoke evasively of the situation in Portugal, where more trouble +seemed brewing. But Laploshka listened with the abstraction of the +deaf adder, and quickly returned to the subject of the two francs. + +"I'm afraid I must owe it to you," I said lightly and brutally. "I +haven't a sou in the world," and I added mendaciously, "I'm going +away for six months or perhaps longer." + +Laploshka said nothing, but his eyes bulged a little and his cheeks +took on the mottled hues of an ethnographical map of the Balkan +Peninsula. That same day, at sundown, he died. "Failure of the +heart's action," was the doctor's verdict; but I, who knew better, +knew that he died of grief. + +There arose the problem of what to do with his two francs. To have +killed Laploshka was one thing; to have kept his beloved money would +have argued a callousness of feeling of which I am not capable. The +ordinary solution, of giving it to the poor, would by no means fit +the present situation, for nothing would have distressed the dead +man more than such a misuse of his property. On the other hand, the +bestowal of two francs on the rich was an operation which called for +some tact. An easy way out of the difficulty seemed, however, to +present itself the following Sunday, as I was wedged into the +cosmopolitan crowd which filled the side-aisle of one of the most +popular Paris churches. A collecting-bag, for "the poor of Monsieur +le Cure," was buffeting its tortuous way across the seemingly +impenetrable human sea, and a German in front of me, who evidently +did not wish his appreciation of the magnificent music to be marred +by a suggestion of payment, made audible criticisms to his companion +on the claims of the said charity. + +"They do not want money," he said; "they have too much money. They +have no poor. They are all pampered." + +If that were really the case my way seemed clear. I dropped +Laploshka's two francs into the bag with a murmured blessing on the +rich of Monsieur le Cure. + +Some three weeks later chance had taken me to Vienna, and I sat one +evening regaling myself in a humble but excellent little Gasthaus up +in the Wahringer quarter. The appointments were primitive, but the +Schnitzel, the beer, and the cheese could not have been improved on. +Good cheer brought good custom, and with the exception of one small +table near the door every place was occupied. Half-way through my +meal I happened to glance in the direction of that empty seat, and +saw that it was no longer empty. Poring over the bill of fare with +the absorbed scrutiny of one who seeks the cheapest among the cheap +was Laploshka. Once he looked across at me, with a comprehensive +glance at my repast, as though to say, "It is my two francs you are +eating," and then looked swiftly away. Evidently the poor of +Monsieur le Cure had been genuine poor. The Schnitzel turned to +leather in my mouth, the beer seemed tepid; I left the Emmenthaler +untasted. My one idea was to get away from the room, away from the +table where THAT was seated; and as I fled I felt Laploshka's +reproachful eyes watching the amount that I gave to the piccolo--out +of his two francs. I lunched next day at an expensive restaurant +which I felt sure that the living Laploshka would never have entered +on his own account, and I hoped that the dead Laploshka would +observe the same barriers. I was not mistaken, but as I came out I +found him miserably studying the bill of fare stuck up on the +portals. Then he slowly made his way over to a milk-hall. For the +first time in my experience I missed the charm and gaiety of Vienna +life. + +After that, in Paris or London or wherever I happened to be, I +continued to see a good deal of Laploshka. If I had a seat in a box +at a theatre I was always conscious of his eyes furtively watching +me from the dim recesses of the gallery. As I turned into my club +on a rainy afternoon I would see him taking inadequate shelter in a +doorway opposite. Even if I indulged in the modest luxury of a +penny chair in the Park he generally confronted me from one of the +free benches, never staring at me, but always elaborately conscious +of my presence. My friends began to comment on my changed looks, +and advised me to leave off heaps of things. I should have liked to +have left off Laploshka. + +On a certain Sunday--it was probably Easter, for the crush was worse +than ever--I was again wedged into the crowd listening to the music +in the fashionable Paris church, and again the collection-bag was +buffeting its way across the human sea. An English lady behind me +was making ineffectual efforts to convey a coin into the still +distant bag, so I took the money at her request and helped it +forward to its destination. It was a two-franc piece. A swift +inspiration came to me, and I merely dropped my own sou into the bag +and slid the silver coin into my pocket. I had withdrawn +Laploshka's two francs from the poor, who should never have had the +legacy. As I backed away from the crowd I heard a woman's voice +say, "I don't believe he put my money in the bag. There are swarms +of people in Paris like that!" But my mind was lighter that it had +been for a long time. + +The delicate mission of bestowing the retrieved sum on the deserving +rich still confronted me. Again I trusted to the inspiration of +accident, and again fortune favoured me. A shower drove me, two +days later, into one of the historic churches on the left bank of +the Seine, and there I found, peering at the old wood-carvings, the +Baron R., one of the wealthiest and most shabbily dressed men in +Paris. It was now or never. Putting a strong American inflection +into the French which I usually talked with an unmistakable British +accent, I catechised the Baron as to the date of the church's +building, its dimensions, and other details which an American +tourist would be certain to want to know. Having acquired such +information as the Baron was able to impart on short notice, I +solemnly placed the two-franc piece in his hand, with the hearty +assurance that it was "pour vous," and turned to go. The Baron was +slightly taken aback, but accepted the situation with a good grace. +Walking over to a small box fixed in the wall, he dropped +Laploshka's two francs into the slot. Over the box was the +inscription, "Pour les pauvres de M. le Cure." + +That evening, at the crowded corner by the Cafe de la Paix, I caught +a fleeting glimpse of Laploshka. He smiled, slightly raised his +hat, and vanished. I never saw him again. After all, the money had +been GIVEN to the deserving rich, and the soul of Laploshka was at +peace. + + + +THE BAG + + + +"The Major is coming in to tea," said Mrs. Hoopington to her niece. +"He's just gone round to the stables with his horse. Be as bright +and lively as you can; the poor man's got a fit of the glooms." + +Major Pallaby was a victim of circumstances, over which he had no +control, and of his temper, over which he had very little. He had +taken on the Mastership of the Pexdale Hounds in succession to a +highly popular man who had fallen foul of his committee, and the +Major found himself confronted with the overt hostility of at least +half the hunt, while his lack of tact and amiability had done much +to alienate the remainder. Hence subscriptions were beginning to +fall off, foxes grew provokingly scarcer, and wire obtruded itself +with increasing frequency. The Major could plead reasonable excuse +for his fit of the glooms. + +In ranging herself as a partisan on the side of Major Pallaby Mrs. +Hoopington had been largely influenced by the fact that she had made +up her mind to marry him at an early date. Against his notorious +bad temper she set his three thousand a year, and his prospective +succession to a baronetcy gave a casting vote in his favour. The +Major's plans on the subject of matrimony were not at present in +such an advanced stage as Mrs. Hoopington's, but he was beginning to +find his way over to Hoopington Hall with a frequency that was +already being commented on. + +"He had a wretchedly thin field out again yesterday," said Mrs. +Hoopington. "Why you didn't bring one or two hunting men down with +you, instead of that stupid Russian boy, I can't think." + +"Vladimir isn't stupid," protested her niece; "he's one of the most +amusing boys I ever met. Just compare him for a moment with some of +your heavy hunting men--" + +"Anyhow, my dear Norah, he can't ride." + +"Russians never can; but he shoots." + +"Yes; and what does he shoot? Yesterday he brought home a +woodpecker in his game-bag." + +"But he'd shot three pheasants and some rabbits as well." + +"That's no excuse for including a woodpecker in his game-bag." + +"Foreigners go in for mixed bags more than we do. A Grand Duke pots +a vulture just as seriously as we should stalk a bustard. Anyhow, +I've explained to Vladimir that certain birds are beneath his +dignity as a sportsman. And as he's only nineteen, of course, his +dignity is a sure thing to appeal to." + +Mrs. Hoopington sniffed. Most people with whom Vladimir came in +contact found his high spirits infectious, but his present hostess +was guaranteed immune against infection of that sort. + +"I hear him coming in now," she observed. "I shall go and get ready +for tea. We're going to have it here in the hall. Entertain the +Major if he comes in before I'm down, and, above all, be bright." + +Norah was dependent on her aunt's good graces for many little things +that made life worth living, and she was conscious of a feeling of +discomfiture because the Russian youth whom she had brought down as +a welcome element of change in the country-house routine was not +making a good impression. That young gentleman, however, was +supremely unconscious of any shortcomings, and burst into the hall, +tired, and less sprucely groomed than usual, but distinctly radiant. +His game-bag looked comfortably full. + +"Guess what I have shot," he demanded. + +"Pheasants, woodpigeons, rabbits," hazarded Norah. + +"No; a large beast; I don't know what you call it in English. +Brown, with a darkish tail." Norah changed colour. + +"Does it live in a tree and eat nuts?" she asked, hoping that the +use of the adjective "large" might be an exaggeration. + +Vladimir laughed. + +"Oh no; not a biyelka." + +"Does it swim and eat fish?" asked Norah, with a fervent prayer in +her heart that it might turn out to be an otter. + +"No," said Vladimir, busy with the straps of his game-bag; "it lives +in the woods, and eats rabbits and chickens." + +Norah sat down suddenly, and hid her face in her hands. + +"Merciful Heaven!" she wailed; "he's shot a fox!" + +Vladimir looked up at her in consternation. In a torrent of +agitated words she tried to explain the horror of the situation. +The boy understood nothing, but was thoroughly alarmed. + +"Hide it, hide it!" said Norah frantically, pointing to the still +unopened bag. "My aunt and the Major will be here in a moment. +Throw it on the top of that chest; they won't see it there." + +Vladimir swung the bag with fair aim; but the strap caught in its +flight on the outstanding point of an antler fixed in the wall, and +the bag, with its terrible burden, remained suspended just above the +alcove where tea would presently be laid. At that moment Mrs. +Hoopington and the Major entered the hall. + +"The Major is going to draw our covers to-morrow," announced the +lady, with a certain heavy satisfaction. "Smithers is confident +that we'll be able to show him some sport; he swears he's seen a fox +in the nut copse three times this week." + +"I'm sure I hope so; I hope so," said the Major moodily. "I must +break this sequence of blank days. One hears so often that a fox +has settled down as a tenant for life in certain covers, and then +when you go to turn him out there isn't a trace of him. I'm certain +a fox was shot or trapped in Lady Widden's woods the very day before +we drew them." + +"Major, if any one tried that game on in my woods they'd get short +shrift," said Mrs. Hoopington. + +Norah found her way mechanically to the tea-table and made her +fingers frantically busy in rearranging the parsley round the +sandwich dish. On one side of her loomed the morose countenance of +the Major, on the other she was conscious of the scared, miserable +eyes of Vladimir. And above it all hung THAT. She dared not raise +her eyes above the level of the tea-table, and she almost expected +to see a spot of accusing vulpine blood drip down and stain the +whiteness of the cloth. Her aunt's manner signalled to her the +repeated message to "be bright"; for the present she was fully +occupied in keeping her teeth from chattering. + +"What did you shoot to-day?" asked Mrs. Hoopington suddenly of the +unusually silent Vladimir. + +"Nothing--nothing worth speaking of," said the boy. + +Norah's heart, which had stood still for a space, made up for lost +time with a most disturbing bound. + +"I wish you'd find something that was worth speaking about," said +the hostess; "every one seems to have lost their tongues." + +"When did Smithers last see that fox?" said the Major. + +"Yesterday morning; a fine dog-fox, with a dark brush," confided +Mrs. Hoopington. + +"Aha, we'll have a good gallop after that brush to-morrow," said the +Major, with a transient gleam of good humour. And then gloomy +silence settled again round the teatable, a silence broken only by +despondent munchings and the occasional feverish rattle of a +teaspoon in its saucer. A diversion was at last afforded by Mrs. +Hoopington's fox-terrier, which had jumped on to a vacant chair, the +better to survey the delicacies of the table, and was now sniffing +in an upward direction at something apparently more interesting than +cold tea-cake. + +"What is exciting him?" asked his mistress, as the dog suddenly +broke into short angry barks, with a running accompaniment of +tremulous whines. + +"Why," she continued, "it's your gamebag, Vladimir! What HAVE you +got in it?" + +"By Gad," said the Major, who was now standing up; "there's a pretty +warm scent!" + +And then a simultaneous idea flashed on himself and Mrs. Hoopington. +Their faces flushed to distinct but harmonious tones of purple, and +with one accusing voice they screamed, "You've shot the fox!" + +Norah tried hastily to palliate Vladimir's misdeed in their eyes, +but it is doubtful whether they heard her. The Major's fury clothed +and reclothed itself in words as frantically as a woman up in town +for one day's shopping tries on a succession of garments. He +reviled and railed at fate and the general scheme of things, he +pitied himself with a strong, deep pity too poignent for tears, he +condemned every one with whom he had ever come in contact to endless +and abnormal punishments. In fact, he conveyed the impression that +if a destroying angel had been lent to him for a week it would have +had very little time for private study. In the lulls of his outcry +could be heard the querulous monotone of Mrs. Hoopington and the +sharp staccato barking of the fox-terrier. Vladimir, who did not +understand a tithe of what was being said, sat fondling a cigarette +and repeating under his breath from time to time a vigorous English +adjective which he had long ago taken affectionately into his +vocabulary. His mind strayed back to the youth in the old Russian +folk-tale who shot an enchanted bird with dramatic results. +Meanwhile, the Major, roaming round the hall like an imprisoned +cyclone, had caught sight of and joyfully pounced on the telephone +apparatus, and lost no time in ringing up the hunt secretary and +announcing his resignation of the Mastership. A servant had by this +time brought his horse round to the door, and in a few seconds Mrs. +Hoopington's shrill monotone had the field to itself. But after the +Major's display her best efforts at vocal violence missed their full +effect; it was as though one had come straight out from a Wagner +opera into a rather tame thunderstorm. Realising, perhaps, that her +tirades were something of an anticlimax, Mrs. Hoopington broke +suddenly into some rather necessary tears and marched out of the +room, leaving behind her a silence almost as terrible as the turmoil +which had preceded it. + +"What shall I do with--THAT?" asked Vladimir at last. + +"Bury it," said Norah. + +"Just plain burial?" said Vladimir, rather relieved. He had almost +expected that some of the local clergy would have insisted on being +present, or that a salute might have to be fired over the grave. + +And thus it came to pass that in the dusk of a November evening the +Russian boy, murmuring a few of the prayers of his Church for luck, +gave hasty but decent burial to a large polecat under the lilac +trees at Hoopington. + + + +THE STRATEGIST + + + +Mrs. Jallatt's young people's parties were severely exclusive; it +came cheaper that way, because you could ask fewer to them. Mrs. +Jallatt didn't study cheapness, but somehow she generally attained +it. + +"There'll be about ten girls," speculated Rollo, as he drove to the +function, "and I suppose four fellows, unless the Wrotsleys bring +their cousin, which Heaven forbid. That would mean Jack and me +against three of them." + +Rollo and the Wrotsley brethren had maintained an undying feud +almost from nursery days. They only met now and then in the +holidays, and the meeting was usually tragic for whichever happened +to have the fewest backers on hand. Rollo was counting to-night on +the presence of a devoted and muscular partisan to hold an even +balance. As he arrived he heard his prospective champion's sister +apologising to the hostess for the unavoidable absence of her +brother; a moment later he noted that the Wrotsleys HAD brought +their cousin. + +Two against three would have been exciting and possibly unpleasant; +one against three promised to be about as amusing as a visit to the +dentist. Rollo ordered his carriage for as early as was decently +possible, and faced the company with a smile that he imagined the +better sort of aristocrat would have worn when mounting to the +guillotine. + +"So glad you were able to come," said the elder Wrotsley heartily. + +"Now, you children will like to play games, I suppose," said Mrs. +Jallatt, by way of giving things a start, and as they were too well- +bred to contradict her there only remained the question of what they +were to play at. + +"I know of a good game," said the elder Wrotsley innocently. "The +fellows leave the room and think of a word; then they come back +again, and the girls have to find out what the word is." + +Rollo knew the game. He would have suggested it himself if his +faction had been in the majority. + +"It doesn't promise to be very exciting," sniffed the superior +Dolores Sneep as the boys filed out of the room. Rollo thought +differently. He trusted to Providence that Wrotsley had nothing +worse than knotted handkerchiefs at his disposal. + +The word-choosers locked themselves in the library to ensure that +their deliberations should not be interrupted. Providence turned +out to be not even decently neutral; on a rack on the library wall +were a dog-whip and a whalebone riding-switch. Rollo thought it +criminal negligence to leave such weapons of precision lying about. +He was given a choice of evils, and chose the dog-whip; the next +minute or so he spent in wondering how he could have made such a +stupid selection. Then they went back to the languidly expectant +females. + +"The word's 'camel,'" announced the Wrotsley cousin blunderingly. + +"You stupid!" screamed the girls, "we've got to GUESS the word. Now +you'll have to go back and think of another." + +"Not for worlds," said Rollo; "I mean, the word isn't really camel; +we were rotting. Pretend it's dromedary!" he whispered to the +others. + +"I heard them say 'dromedary'! I heard them. I don't care what you +say; I heard them," squealed the odious Dolores. "With ears as long +as hers one would hear anything," thought Rollo savagely. + +"We shall have to go back, I suppose," said the elder Wrotsley +resignedly. + +The conclave locked itself once more into the library. "Look here, +I'm not going through that dog-whip business again," protested +Rollo. + +"Certainly not, dear," said the elder Wrotsley; "we'll try the +whalebone switch this time, and you'll know which hurts most. It's +only by personal experience that one finds out these things." + +It was swiftly borne in upon Rollo that his earlier selection of the +dog-whip had been a really sound one. The conclave gave his under- +lip time to steady itself while it debated the choice of the +necessary word. "Mustang" was no good, as half the girls wouldn't +know what it meant; finally "quagga" was pitched on. + +"You must come and sit down over here," chorused the investigating +committee on their return; but Rollo was obdurate in insisting that +the questioned person always stood up. On the whole, it was a +relief when the game was ended and supper was announced. + +Mrs. Jallatt did not stint her young guests, but the more expensive +delicacies of her supper-table were never unnecessarily duplicated, +and it was usually good policy to take what you wanted while it was +still there. On this occasion she had provided sixteen peaches to +"go round" among fourteen children; it was really not her fault that +the two Wrotsleys and their cousin, foreseeing the long foodless +drive home, had each quietly pocketed an extra peach, but it was +distinctly trying for Dolores and the fat and good-natured Agnes +Blaik to be left with one peach between them. + +"I suppose we had better halve it," said Dolores sourly. + +But Agnes was fat first and good-natured afterwards; those were her +guiding principles in life. She was profuse in her sympathy for +Dolores, but she hastily devoured the peach, explaining that it +would spoil it to divide it; the juice ran out so. + +"Now what would you all like to do?" demanded Mrs. Jallatt by way of +diversion. "The professional conjurer whom I had engaged has failed +me at the last moment. Can any of you recite?" + +There were symptoms of a general panic. Dolores was known to recite +"Locksley Hall" on the least provocation. There had been occasions +when her opening line, "Comrades, leave me here a little," had been +taken as a literal injunction by a large section of her hearers. +There was a murmur of relief when Rollo hastily declared that he +could do a few conjuring tricks. He had never done one in his life, +but those two visits to the library had goaded him to unusual +recklessness. + +"You've seen conjuring chaps take coins and cards out of people," he +announced; "well, I'm going to take more interesting things out of +some of you. Mice, for instance." + +"Not mice!" + +A shrill protest rose, as he had foreseen, from the majority of his +audience. + +"Well, fruit, them." + +The amended proposal was received with approval. Agnes positively +beamed. + +Without more ado Rollo made straight for his trio of enemies, +plunged his hand successively into their breast-pockets, and +produced three peaches. There was no applause, but no amount of +hand-clapping would have given the performer as much pleasure as the +silence which greeted his coup. + +"Of course, we were in the know," said the Wrotsley cousin lamely. + +"That's done it," chuckled Rollo to himself. + +"If they HAD been confederates they would have sworn they knew +nothing about it," said Dolores, with piercing conviction. + +"Do you know any more tricks?" asked Mrs. Jallatt hurriedly. + +Rollo did not. He hinted that he might have changed the three +peaches into something else, but Agnes had already converted one +into girl-food, so nothing more could be done in that direction. + +"I know a game," said the elder Wrotsley heavily, "where the fellows +go out of the room, and think of some character in history; then +they come back and act him, and the girls have to guess who it's +meant for." + +"I'm afraid I must be going," said Rollo to his hostess. + +"Your carriage won't be here for another twenty minutes," said Mrs. +Jallatt. + +"It's such a fine evening I think I'll walk and meet it." + +"It's raining rather steadily at present. You've just time to play +that historical game." + +"We haven't heard Dolores recite," said Rollo desperately; as soon +as he had said it he realised his mistake. Confronted with the +alternative of "Locksley Hall," public opinion declared unanimously +for the history game. + +Rollo played his last card. In an undertone meant apparently for +the Wrotsley boy, but carefully pitched to reach Agnes, he observed +- + +"All right, old man; we'll go and finish those chocolates we left in +the library." + +"I think it's only fair that the girls should take their turn in +going out," exclaimed Agnes briskly. She was great on fairness. + +"Nonsense," said the others; "there are too many of us." + +"Well, four of us can go. I'll be one of them." + +And Agnes darted off towards the library, followed by three less +eager damsels. + +Rollo sank into a chair and smiled ever so faintly at the Wrotsleys, +just a momentary baring of the teeth; an otter, escaping from the +fangs of the hounds into the safety of a deep pool, might have given +a similar demonstration of feelings. + +From the library came the sound of moving furniture. Agnes was +leaving nothing unturned in her quest for the mythical chocolates. +And then came a more blessed sound, wheels crunching wet gravel. + +"It has been a most enjoyable evening," said Rollo to his hostess. + + + +CROSS CURRENTS + + + +Vanessa Pennington had a husband who was poor, with few extenuating +circumstances, and an admirer who, though comfortably rich, was +cumbered with a sense of honour. His wealth made him welcome in +Vanessa's eyes, but his code of what was right impelled him to go +away and forget her, or at the most to think of her in the intervals +of doing a great many other things. And although Alaric Clyde loved +Vanessa, and thought he should always go on loving her, he gradually +and unconsciously allowed himself to be wooed and won by a more +alluring mistress; he fancied that his continued shunning of the +haunts of men was a self-imposed exile, but his heart was caught in +the spell of the Wilderness, and the Wilderness was kind and +beautiful to him. When one is young and strong and unfettered the +wild earth can be very kind and very beautiful. Witness the legion +of men who were once young and unfettered and now eat out their +souls in dustbins, because, having erstwhile known and loved the +Wilderness, they broke from her thrall and turned aside into beaten +paths. + +In the high waste places of the world Clyde roamed and hunted and +dreamed, death-dealing and gracious as some god of Hellas, moving +with his horses and servants and four-footed camp followers from one +dwelling ground to another, a welcome guest among wild primitive +village folk and nomads, a friend and slayer of the fleet, shy +beasts around him. By the shores of misty upland lakes he shot the +wild fowl that had winged their way to him across half the old +world; beyond Bokhara he watched the wild Aryan horsemen at their +gambols; watched, too, in some dim-lit tea-house one of those +beautiful uncouth dances that one can never wholly forget; or, +making a wide cast down to the valley of the Tigris, swam and rolled +in its snow-cooled racing waters. Vanessa, meanwhile, in a +Bayswater back street, was making out the weekly laundry list, +attending bargain sales, and, in her more adventurous moments, +trying new ways of cooking whiting. Occasionally she went to bridge +parties, where, if the play was not illuminating, at least one +learned a great deal about the private life of some of the Royal and +Imperial Houses. Vanessa, in a way, was glad that Clyde had done +the proper thing. She had a strong natural bias towards +respectability, though she would have preferred to have been +respectable in smarter surroundings, where her example would have +done more good. To be beyond reproach was one thing, but it would +have been nicer to have been nearer to the Park. + +And then of a sudden her regard for respectability and Clyde's sense +of what was right were thrown on the scrap-heap of unnecessary +things. They had been useful and highly important in their time, +but the death of Vanessa's husband made them of no immediate moment. + +The news of the altered condition of things followed Clyde with +leisurely persistence from one place of call to another, and at last +ran him to a standstill somewhere in the Orenburg Steppe. He would +have found it exceedingly difficult to analyse his feelings on +receipt of the tidings. The Fates had unexpectedly (and perhaps +just a little officiously) removed an obstacle from his path. He +supposed he was overjoyed, but he missed the feeling of elation +which he had experienced some four months ago when he had bagged a +snow-leopard with a lucky shot after a day's fruitless stalking. Of +course he would go back and ask Vanessa to marry him, but he was +determined on enforcing a condition; on no account would he desert +his newer love. Vanessa would have to agree to come out into the +Wilderness with him. + +The lady hailed the return of her lover with even more relief than +had been occasioned by his departure. The death of John Pennington +had left his widow in circumstances which were more straitened than +ever, and the Park had receded even from her notepaper, where it had +long been retained as a courtesy title on the principle that +addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts. Certainly she +was more independent now than heretofore, but independence, which +means so much to many women, was of little account to Vanessa, who +came under the heading of the mere female. She made little ado +about accepting Clyde's condition, and announced herself ready to +follow him to the end of the world; as the world was round she +nourished a complacent idea that in the ordinary course of things +one would find oneself in the neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner +sooner or later no matter how far afield one wandered. + +East of Budapest her complacency began to filter away, and when she +saw her husband treating the Black Sea with a familiarity which she +had never been able to assume towards the English Channel, +misgivings began to crowd in upon her. Adventures which would have +presented an amusing and enticing aspect to a better-bred woman +aroused in Vanessa only the twin sensations of fright and +discomfort. Flies bit her, and she was persuaded that it was only +sheer boredom that prevented camels from doing the same. Clyde did +his best, and a very good best it was, to infuse something of the +banquet into their prolonged desert picnics, but even snow-cooled +Heidsieck lost its flavour when you were convinced that the dusky +cupbearer who served it with such reverent elegance was only waiting +a convenient opportunity to cut your throat. It was useless for +Clyde to give Yussuf a character for devotion such as is rarely +found in any Western servant. Vanessa was well enough educated to +know that all dusky-skinned people take human life as unconcernedly +as Bayswater folk take singing lessons. + +And with a growing irritation and querulousness on her part came a +further disenchantment, born of the inability of husband and wife to +find a common ground of interest. The habits and migrations of the +sand grouse, the folklore and customs of Tartars and Turkomans, the +points of a Cossack pony--these were matter which evoked only a +bored indifference in Vanessa. On the other hand, Clyde was not +thrilled on being informed that the Queen of Spain detested mauve, +or that a certain Royal duchess, for whose tastes he was never +likely to be called on to cater, nursed a violent but perfectly +respectable passion for beef olives. + +Vanessa began to arrive at the conclusion that a husband who added a +roving disposition to a settled income was a mixed blessing. It was +one thing to go to the end of the world; it was quite another thing +to make oneself at home there. Even respectability seemed to lose +some of its virtue when one practised it in a tent. + +Bored and disillusioned with the drift of her new life, Vanessa was +undisguisedly glad when distraction offered itself in the person of +Mr. Dobrinton, a chance acquaintance whom they had first run against +in the primitive hostelry of a benighted Caucasian town. Dobrinton +was elaborately British, in deference perhaps to the memory of his +mother, who was said to have derived part of her origin from an +English governess who had come to Lemberg a long way back in the +last century. If you had called him Dobrinski when off his guard he +would probably have responded readily enough; holding, no doubt, +that the end crowns all, he had taken a slight liberty with the +family patronymic. To look at, Mr. Dobrinton was not a very +attractive specimen of masculine humanity, but in Vanessa's eyes he +was a link with that civilisation which Clyde seemed so ready to +ignore and forgo. He could sing "Yip-I-Addy" and spoke of several +duchesses as if he knew them--in his more inspired moments almost as +if they knew him. He even pointed out blemishes in the cuisine or +cellar departments of some of the more august London restaurants, a +species of Higher Criticism which was listened to by Vanessa in awe- +stricken admiration. And, above all, he sympathised, at first +discreetly, afterwards with more latitude, with her fretful +discontent at Clyde's nomadic instincts. Business connected with +oil-wells had brought Dobrinton to the neighbourhood of Baku; the +pleasure of appealing to an appreciative female audience induced him +to deflect his return journey so as to coincide a good deal with his +new aquaintances' line of march. And while Clyde trafficked with +Persian horse-dealers or hunted the wild grey pigs in their lairs +and added to his notes on Central Asian game-fowl, Dobrinton and the +lady discussed the ethics of desert respectability from points of +view that showed a daily tendency to converge. And one evening +Clyde dined alone, reading between the courses a long letter from +Vanessa, justifying her action in flitting to more civilised lands +with a more congenial companion. + +It was distinctly evil luck for Vanessa, who really was thoroughly +respectable at heart, that she and her lover should run into the +hands of Kurdish brigands on the first day of their flight. To be +mewed up in a squalid Kurdish village in close companionship with a +man who was only your husband by adoption, and to have the attention +of all Europe drawn to your plight, was about the least respectable +thing that could happen. And there were international +complications, which made things worse. "English lady and her +husband, of foreign nationality, held by Kurdish brigands who demand +ransom" had been the report of the nearest Consul. Although +Dobrinton was British at heart, the other portions of him belonged +to the Habsburgs, and though the Habsburgs took no great pride or +pleasure in this particular unit of their wide and varied +possessions, and would gladly have exchanged him for some +interesting bird or mammal for the Schoenbrunn Park, the code of +international dignity demanded that they should display a decent +solicitude for his restoration. And while the Foreign Offices of +the two countries were taking the usual steps to secure the release +of their respective subjects a further horrible complication ensued. +Clyde, following on the track of the fugitives, not with any special +desire to overtake them, but with a dim feeling that it was expected +of him, fell into the hands of the same community of brigands. +Diplomacy, while anxious to do its best for a lady in misfortune, +showed signs of becoming restive at this expansion of its task; as a +frivolous young gentleman in Downing Street remarked, "Any husband +of Mrs. Dobrinton's we shall be glad to extricate, but let us know +how many there are of them." For a woman who valued respectability +Vanessa really had no luck. + +Meanwhile the situation of the captives was not free from +embarrassment. When Clyde explained to the Kurdish headmen the +nature of his relationship with the runaway couple they were gravely +sympathetic, but vetoed any idea of summary vengeance, since the +Habsburgs would be sure to insist on the delivery of Dobrinton +alive, and in a reasonably undamaged condition. They did not object +to Clyde administering a beating to his rival for half an hour every +Monday and Thursday, but Dobrinton turned such a sickly green when +he heard of this arrangement that the chief was obliged to withdraw +the concession. + +And so, in the cramped quarters of a mountain hut, the ill-assorted +trio watched the insufferable hours crawl slowly by. Dobrinton was +too frightened to be conversational, Vanessa was too mortified to +open her lips, and Clyde was moodily silent. The little Limberg +negociant plucked up heart once to give a quavering rendering of +"Yip-I-Addy," but when he reached the statement "home was never like +this" Vanessa tearfully begged him to stop. And silence fastened +itself with growing insistence on the three captives who were so +tragically herded together; thrice a day they drew near to one +another to swallow the meal that had been prepared for them, like +desert beasts meeting in mute suspended hostility at the drinking +pool, and then drew back to resume the vigil of waiting. + +Clyde was less carefully watched than the others. "Jealousy will +keep him to the woman's side," thought his Kurdish captors. They +did not know that his wilder, truer love was calling to him with a +hundred voices from beyond the village bounds. And one evening, +finding that he was not getting the attention to which he was +entitled, Clyde slipped away down the mountain side and resumed his +study of Central Asian game-fowl. The remaining captives were +guarded henceforth with greater rigour, but Dobrinton at any rate +scarcely regretted Clyde's departure. + +The long arm, or perhaps one might better say the long purse, of +diplomacy at last effected the release of the prisoners, but the +Habsburgs were never to enjoy the guerdon of their outlay. On the +quay of the little Black Sea port, where the rescued pair came once +more into contact with civilisation, Dobrinton was bitten by a dog +which was assumed to be mad, though it may only have been +indiscriminating. The victim did not wait for symptoms of rabies to +declare themselves, but died forthwith of fright, and Vanessa made +the homeward journey alone, conscious somehow of a sense of slightly +restored respectability. Clyde, in the intervals of correcting the +proofs of his book on the game-fowl of Central Asia, found time to +press a divorce suit through the Courts, and as soon as possible +hied him away to the congenial solitudes of the Gobi Desert to +collect material for a work on the fauna of that region. Vanessa, +by virtue perhaps of her earlier intimacy with the cooking rites of +the whiting, obtained a place on the kitchen staff of a West End +club. It was not brilliant, but at least it was within two minutes +of the Park. + + + +THE BAKER'S DOZEN + + + +Characters - + +MAJOR RICHARD DUMBARTON +MRS. CAREWE +MRS. PALY-PAGET + +Scene--Deck of eastward-bound steamer. Major Dumbarton seated on +deck-chair, another chair by his side, with the name "Mrs. Carewe" +painted on it, a third near by. + +(Enter R. Mrs. Carewe, seats herself leisurely in her deck-chair, +the Major affecting to ignore her presence.) + +Major (turning suddenly): Emily! After all these years! This is +fate! + +Em.: Fate! Nothing of the sort; it's only me. You men are always +such fatalists. I deferred my departure three whole weeks, in order +to come out in the same boat that I saw you were travelling by. I +bribed the steward to put out chairs side by side in an unfrequented +corner, and I took enormous pains to be looking particularly +attractive this morning, and then you say "This is fate." I AM +looking particularly attractive, am I not? + +Maj.: More than ever. Time has only added a ripeness to your +charms. + +Em.: I knew you'd put it exactly in those words. The phraseology +of love-making is awfully limited, isn't it? After all, the chief +charm is in the fact of being made love to. You ARE making love to +me, aren't you? + +Maj.: Emily dearest, I had already begun making advances, even +before you sat down here. I also bribed the steward to put our +seats together in a secluded corner. "You may consider it done, +sir," was his reply. That was immediately after breakfast. + +Em.: How like a man to have his breakfast first. I attended to the +seat business as soon as I left my cabin. + +Maj.: Don't be unreasonable. It was only at breakfast that I +discovered your blessed presence on the boat. I paid violent and +unusual attention to a flapper all through the meal in order to make +you jealous. She's probably in her cabin writing reams about me to +a fellow-flapper at this very moment. + +Em.: You needn't have taken all that trouble to make me jealous, +Dickie. You did that years ago, when you married another woman. + +Maj.: Well, you had gone and married another man--a widower, too, +at that. + +Em.: Well, there's no particular harm in marrying a widower, I +suppose. I'm ready to do it again, if I meet a really nice one. + +Maj.: Look here, Emily, it's not fair to go at that rate. You're a +lap ahead of me the whole time. It's my place to propose to you; +all you've got to do is to say "Yes." + +Em.: Well, I've practically said it already, so we needn't dawdle +over that part. + +Maj.: Oh, well - + +(They look at each other, then suddenly embrace with considerable +energy.) + +Maj.: We dead-heated it that time. (Suddenly jumping to his feet) +Oh, d--- I'd forgotten! + +Em.: Forgotten what? + +Maj.: The children. I ought to have told you. Do you mind +children? + +Em.: Not in moderate quantities. How many have you got? + +Maj. (counting hurriedly on his fingers): Five. + +Em.: Five! + +Maj. (anxiously): Is that too many? + +Em.: It's rather a number. The worst of it is, I've some myself. + +Maj.: Many? + +Em.: Eight. + +Maj.: Eight in six years! Oh, Emily! + +Em.: Only four were my own. The other four were by my husband's +first marriage. Still, that practically makes eight. + +Maj.: And eight and five make thirteen. We can't start our married +life with thirteen children; it would be most unlucky. (Walks up +and down in agitation.) Some way must be found out of this. If we +could only bring them down to twelve. Thirteen is so horribly +unlucky. + +Em.: Isn't there some way by which we could part with one or two? +Don't the French want more children? I've often seen articles about +it in the FIGARO. + +Maj.: I fancy they want French children. Mind don't even speak +French. + +Em.: There's always a chance that one of them might turn out +depraved and vicious, and then you could disown him. I've heard of +that being done. + +Maj.: But, good gracious, you've got to educate him first. You +can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. + +Em.: Why couldn't he be naturally depraved. Lots of boys are. + +Maj.: Only when they inherit it from depraved parents. You don't +suppose there's any depravity in me, do you? + +Em.: It sometimes skips a generation, you know. Weren't any of +your family bad? + +Maj.: There was an aunt who was never spoken of. + +Em.: There you are! + +Maj.: But one can't build too much on that. In mid-Victorian days +they labelled all sorts of things as unspeakable that we should +speak about quite tolerantly. I dare say this particular aunt had +only married a Unitarian, or rode to hounds on both sides of her +horse, or something of that sort. Anyhow, we can't wait +indefinitely for one of the children to take after a doubtfully +depraved great-aunt. Something else must be thought of. + +Em.: Don't people ever adopt children from other families? + +Maj.: I've heard of it being done by childless couples, and those +sort of people - + +Em.: Hush! Some one's coming. Who is it? + +Maj.: Mrs. Paly-Paget. + +Em.: The very person! + +Maj.: What, to adopt a child? Hasn't she got any? + +Em.: Only one miserable hen-baby. + +Maj.: Let's sound her on the subject. + +(Enter Mrs. Paly-Paget, R.) + +Ah, good morning. Mrs. Paly-Paget. I was just wondering at +breakfast where did we meet last? + +Mrs. P.-P.: At the Criterion, wasn't it? + +(Drops into vacant chair.) + +Maj.: At the Criterion, of course. + +Mrs. P.-P.: I was dining with Lord and Lady Slugford. Charming +people, but so mean. They took us afterwards to the Velodrome, to +see some dancer interpreting Mendelssohn's "song without clothes." +We were all packed up in a little box near the roof, and you may +imagine how hot it was. It was like a Turkish bath. And, of +course, one couldn't see anything. + +Maj.: Then it was not like a Turkish bath. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Major! + +Em.: We were just talking of you when you joined us. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Really! Nothing very dreadful, I hope. + +Em.: Oh dear, no! It's too early on the voyage for that sort of +thing. We were feeling rather sorry for you. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Sorry for me? Whatever for? + +Maj.: Your childless hearth and all that, you know. No little +pattering feet. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Major! How dare you? I've got my little girl, I +suppose you know. Her feet can patter as well as other children's. + +Maj.: Only one pair of feet. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Certainly. My child isn't a centipede. Considering +the way they move us about in those horrid jungle stations, without +a decent bungalow to set one's foot in, I consider I've got a +hearthless child, rather than a childless hearth. Thank you for +your sympathy all the same. I dare say it was well meant. +Impertinence often is. + +Em.: Dear Mrs. Paly-Paget, we were only feeling sorry for your +sweet little girl when she grows older, you know. No little +brothers and sisters to play with. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Mrs. Carewe, this conversation strikes me as being +indelicate, to say the least of it. I've only been married two and +a half years, and my family is naturally a small one. + +Maj.: Isn't it rather an exaggeration to talk of one little female +child as a family? A family suggests numbers. + +Mrs. P.-P.: Really, Major, you language is extraordinary. I dare +say I've only got a little female child, as you call it, at present +- + +Maj.: Oh, it won't change into a boy later on, if that's what +you're counting on. Take our word for it; we've had so much more +experience in these affairs than you have. Once a female, always a +female. Nature is not infallible, but she always abides by her +mistakes. + +Mrs. P.-P. (rising): Major Dumbarton, these boats are uncomfortably +small, but I trust we shall find ample accommodation for avoiding +each other's society during the rest of the voyage. The same wish +applies to you, Mrs. Carewe. + +(Exit Mrs. Paly-Paget, L.) + +Maj.: What an unnatural mother! (Sinks into chair.) + +Em.: I wouldn't trust a child with any one who had a temper like +hers. Oh, Dickie, why did you go and have such a large family? You +always said you wanted me to be the mother of your children. + +Maj.: I wasn't going to wait while you were founding and fostering +dynasties in other directions. Why you couldn't be content to have +children of your own, without collecting them like batches of +postage stamps I can't think. The idea of marrying a man with four +children! + +Em.: Well, you're asking me to marry one with five. + +Maj.: Five! (Springing to his feet) Did I say five? + +Em.: You certainly said five. + +Maj.: Oh, Emily, supposing I've miscounted them! Listen now, keep +count with me. Richard--that's after me, of course. + +Em.: One. + +Maj.: Albert-Victor--that must have been in Coronation year. + +Em.: Two! + +Maj.: Maud. She's called after - + +Em.: Never mind who's she's called after. Three! + +Maj.: And Gerald. + +Em.: Four! + +Maj.: That's the lot. + +Em.: Are you sure? + +Maj.: I swear that's the lot. I must have counted Albert-Victor as +two. + +Em.: Richard! + +Maj.: Emily! + +(They embrace.) + + + +THE MOUSE + + + +Theodoric Voler had been brought up, from infancy to the confines of +middle age, by a fond mother whose chief solicitude had been to keep +him screened from what she called the coarser realities of life. +When she died she left Theodoric alone in a world that was as real +as ever, and a good deal coarser than he considered it had any need +to be. To a man of his temperament and upbringing even a simple +railway journey was crammed with petty annoyances and minor +discords, and as he settled himself down in a secondclass +compartment one September morning he was conscious of ruffled +feelings and general mental discomposure. He had been staying at a +country vicarage, the inmates of which had been certainly neither +brutal nor bacchanalian, but their supervision of the domestic +establishment had been of that lax order which invites disaster. +The pony carriage that was to take him to the station had never been +properly ordered, and when the moment for his departure drew near +the handy-man who should have produced the required article was +nowhere to be found. In this emergency Theodoric, to his mute but +very intense disgust, found himself obliged to collaborate with the +vicar's daughter in the task of harnessing the pony, which +necessitated groping about in an ill-lighted outhouse called a +stable, and smelling very like one--except in patches where it smelt +of mice. Without being actually afraid of mice, Theodoric classed +them among the coarser incidents of life, and considered that +Providence, with a little exercise of moral courage, might long ago +have recognised that they were not indispensable, and have withdrawn +them from circulation. As the train glided out of the station +Theodoric's nervous imagination accused himself of exhaling a weak +odour of stable-yard, and possibly of displaying a mouldy straw or +two on his usually well-brushed garments. Fortunately the only +other occupant of the compartment, a lady of about the same age as +himself, seemed inclined for slumber rather than scrutiny; the train +was not due to stop till the terminus was reached, in about an +hour's time, and the carriage was of the old-fashioned sort, that +held no communication with a corridor, therefore no further +travelling companions were likely to intrude on Theodoric's semi- +privacy. And yet the train had scarcely attained its normal speed +before he became reluctantly but vividly aware that he was not alone +with the slumbering lady; he was not even alone in his own clothes. +A warm, creeping movement over his flesh betrayed the unwelcome and +highly resented presence, unseen but poignant, of a strayed mouse, +that had evidently dashed into its present retreat during the +episode of the pony harnessing. Furtive stamps and shakes and +wildly directed pinches failed to dislodge the intruder, whose +motto, indeed, seemed to be Excelsior; and the lawful occupant of +the clothes lay back against the cushions and endeavoured rapidly to +evolve some means for putting an end to the dual ownership. It was +unthinkable that he should continue for the space of a whole hour in +the horrible position of a Rowton House for vagrant mice (already +his imagination had at least doubled the numbers of the alien +invasion). On the other hand, nothing less drastic than partial +disrobing would ease him of his tormentor, and to undress in the +presence of a lady, even for so laudable a purpose, was an idea that +made his eartips tingle in a blush of abject shame. He had never +been able to bring himself even to the mild exposure of open-work +socks in the presence of the fair sex. And yet--the lady in this +case was to all appearances soundly and securely asleep; the mouse, +on the other hand, seemed to be trying to crowd a Wanderjahr into a +few strenuous minutes. If there is any truth in the theory of +transmigration, this particular mouse must certainly have been in a +former state a member of the Alpine Club. Sometimes in its +eagerness it lost its footing and slipped for half an inch or so; +and then, in fright, or more probably temper, it bit. Theodoric was +goaded into the most audacious undertaking of his life. Crimsoning +to the hue of a beetroot and keeping an agonised watch on his +slumbering fellow-traveller, he swiftly and noiselessly secured the +ends of his railway-rug to the racks on either side of the carriage, +so that a substantial curtain hung athwart the compartment. In the +narrow dressing-room that he had thus improvised he proceeded with +violent haste to extricate himself partially and the mouse entirely +from the surrounding casings of tweed and halfwool. As the +unravelled mouse gave a wild leap to the floor, the rug, slipping +its fastening at either end, also came down with a heart-curdling +flop, and almost simultaneously the awakened sleeper opened her +eyes. With a movement almost quicker than the mouse's, Theodoric +pounced on the rug, and hauled its ample folds chin-high over his +dismantled person as he collapsed into the further corner of the +carriage. The blood raced and beat in the veins of his neck and +forehead, while he waited dumbly for the communication-cord to be +pulled. The lady, however, contented herself with a silent stare at +her strangely muffled companion. How much had she seen, Theodoric +queried to himself, and in any case what on earth must she think of +his present posture? + +"I think I have caught a chill," he ventured desperately. + +"Really, I'm sorry," she replied. "I was just going to ask you if +you would open this window." + +"I fancy it's malaria," he added, his teeth chattering slightly, as +much from fright as from a desire to support his theory. + +"I've got some brandy in my hold-all, if you'll kindly reach it down +for me," said his companion. + +"Not for worlds--I mean, I never take anything for it," he assured +her earnestly. + +"I suppose you caught it in the Tropics?" + +Theodoric, whose acquaintance with the Tropics was limited to an +annual present of a chest of tea from an uncle in Ceylon, felt that +even the malaria was slipping from him. Would it be possible, he +wondered, to disclose the real state of affairs to her in small +instalments? + +"Are you afraid of mice?" he ventured, growing, if possible, more +scarlet in the face. + +"Not unless they came in quantities, like those that ate up Bishop +Hatto. Why do you ask?" + +"I had one crawling inside my clothes just now," said Theodoric in a +voice that hardly seemed his own. "It was a most awkward +situation." + +"It must have been, if you wear your clothes at all tight," she +observed; "but mice have strange ideas of comfort." + +"I had to get rid of it while you were asleep," he continued; then, +with a gulp, he added, "it was getting rid of it that brought me to- +-to this." + +"Surely leaving off one small mouse wouldn't bring on a chill," she +exclaimed, with a levity that Theodoric accounted abominable. + +Evidently she had detected something of his predicament, and was +enjoying his confusion. All the blood in his body seemed to have +mobilised in one concentrated blush, and an agony of abasement, +worse than a myriad mice, crept up and down over his soul. And the, +as reflection began to assert itself, sheer terror took the place of +humiliation. With every minute that passed the train was rushing +nearer to the crowded and bustling terminus where dozens of prying +eyes would be exchanged for the one paralysing pair that watched him +from the further corner of the carriage. There was one slender +despairing chance, which the next few minutes must decide. His +fellow-traveller might relapse into a blessed slumber. But as the +minutes throbbed by that chance ebbed away. The furtive glance +which Theodoric stole at her from time to time disclosed only an +unwinking wakefulness. + +"I think we must be getting near now," she presently observed. + +Theodoric had already noted with growing terror the recurring stacks +of small, ugly dwellings that heralded the journey's end. The words +acted as a signal. Like a hunted beast breaking cover and dashing +madly towards some other haven of momentary safety he threw aside +his rug, and struggled frantically into his dishevelled garments. +He was conscious of dull surburban stations racing past the window, +of a choking, hammering sensation in his throat and heart, and of an +icy silence in that corner towards which he dared not look. Then as +he sank back in his seat, clothed and almost delirious, the train +slowed down to a final crawl, and the woman spoke. + +"Would you be so kind," she asked, "as to get me a porter to put me +into a cab? It's a shame to trouble you when you're feeling unwell, +but being blind makes one so helpless at a railway station." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Reginald in Russia etc by Saki(Munro) + |