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Kountz, Jr. + + + + +Contents: +Preface +Out Hunting +One Night +In Society +In Love +In New York +Johnny Black's Girl + + + +PREFACE + +In presenting this work, we believe that an explanation is +due the reader as to why the letters are given in their present +form at this time. + +The first book published, "One Night," was "issued by The Duquesne +Distributing Company to show its great love for the American +people, and to incidentally advertise the 'R--R--S--.'" Its +success was immediate. + +"In Society" appeared February 1, 1899, and scored as promptly +as "One Night." The demand for the booklets was phenomenal, and +Mr. Kountz received thousands of friendly letters applauding +him for his humor. He also received flattering offers from the +leading comic weeklies, the metropolitan dailies, and great +advertisers throughout the Union. He declined them all, being +primarily a business man, and carrying literature only as a +side line. + +On May 1st "In Love" was given to the public, with the promise +that "In New York" would follow on October Ist. On the evening +of August 9th, William J. Kountz, Jr., turned to the writer of +this preface, and referring to "In New York," said: "Well, I'm +through, all but going over it." He never returned to his office, +and on August 18th he died in the room where he was born not +quite thirty-two years before. + +We then conceived the idea of putting the letters out in their +present form, as a last tribute to the author, who in less than +a year's work lifted himself into a place among the nation's +humorists. + +We have reproduced only such of the prefaces and advertisements +as have been widely discussed for their humorous quality, and +which the author's friends insisted should no be omitted. + +The two heretofore unmentioned letters were discovered after +the author's death, and are published in the rough, as they +were found. "Out Hunting" is based on a trip which actually +took place, and from personal knowledge contains a good deal +of fact. It was doubtless written before "One Night," and for +that reason is given priority in the arrangement. + +"Johnny Black's Girl" is merely a scrap, and is inserted as +such. It shows, however, that the author had a "tear for pity" +as well as an eye for the ridiculous. + +Geo. McC. Kountz. + + + +OUT HUNTING + +Pittsburg, September 1, 1898. + +Dear Jim: + +I am just back from St. Paul, where I spent a couple of days +with Teddy Worthington. Teddy and Bud Hathaway of Chicago were +going on a shooting trip in the Big Woods of Minnesota, and they +asked me to go with them. It was new deal for me, so of course I +was for it. I hired a hammerless breech-loader for seven a week, +borrowed a lot of fishing-tackle, and bought a hunting-knife with +a nickel-plated handle. It was a beaut, and stood me three fifty. +A fellow can never be too careful. Up there you are likely any +minute to come face to face with an Apache or some old left-over +Aztec rubbering around among the trees. + +At the last minute Bud Hathaway's father had to die, so just Teddy +and myself went. After we left the train we rode twenty miles in +a wagon to Freshwater Lake, which was our destination. The house +where we stayed was kept by a half-breed guide named Sarpo, and +with him lived his two sons and his second wife, who was a young +white girl, and not a bad looker at that. + +The next morning we started out after ducks. I made a horrible +bluff that I was one of the old boys at the business, and that +I was on to everything--till it came to loading my hammerless, +and there's where I went to the bad. I couldn't get the blamed +thing open. Teddy handed me a few of his kind little remarks, +and I got back at him with something personal. He got sore. No +thoroughbred kidder would have grown personal, but I couldn't +think of anything else at the time. There was nothing stirring +in the duck line, and for two hours we sat all hunched up in a +little boat among a lot of weeds. It was getting to be a sad +affair for me, and I was thinking of Atlantic City, and the bands +of music, and the swell dances, and trying to figure where these +hunters have the fun they are always coming home and talking +about, when suddenly along came a drove of ducks. On the square, +there must have been a million. The other members of the party +began picking them off, but your Uncle Bill is one of those wise +shooters. I waited till they were right over my head. Say! they +were so thick I couldn't see the sky. I let go with the first +barrel, right into the center of the bunch. Nit duck. Then the +second barrel went off of its own accord. I'll swear, Jim, I had +nothing whatever to do with it. Anyway, nit duck. I think if I'd +had three barrels on that gun I would have nailed a duck, a duck +and a half, or two ducks, as I was just getting good. I loaded +up, and I must have been flustered a bit, as I blew one of the +decoys clear into the next block. + +Then things again assumed their usual hunter's attitude, and +after sitting for another hour we paddled over to our sail-boat +and started down the lake for the house. It was blowing pretty +hard, and the sky was blacker than Pittsburg. The skipper said +something about a squall, but it didn't hit us until we were +about two hundred yards from the dock. Then we got it, and got +it good. It was buttercups and daisies. Thunder, lightning, rain, +and all the side dishes. I'd have given eight dollars to have +seen a cable car coming along about that time. The skipper yelled +to me to ease off the larboard stay. Now, I might know something +about mince pie, but a larboard stay is not my long and hasty. +Then some one pushed me aside, and succeeded in putting things +in such excellent shape that we ran plumb through the dock. It +was great! + +That night we sat around, and Sarpo and his sons told some funny +stories. My, but they were to the saddings! I told one of my best, +and nobody filtered but Teddy. + +The next morning at five we took the dogs and started out after +deer. They have what they call run-ways or deer passes, and the +deer always go the same route. They ought to have better sense, +although as far as I am concerned they are perfectly safe. They +put me on one of the passes, behind a lot of underbrush. Well, +I sat and sat until I went to sleep, but I slept with one eye +open. Deadwood Dick and all the great scouts and trappers had the +one-eye-open habit. I was awakened by hearing something crack, +and there standing about twenty feet away with its side turned +to me was a deer. It must have belonged to the fair sex, as it +had no horns. Talk about shaking! I would have shaken my best +friend. I finally pulled myself together, and remembering the +ducks, I let her have both barrels at once. She kicked her feet +up in the air, turned her head, and on the level, she gave me +the laugh and cut into the woods. I believe she saw me all the +time, and knew I was a lobster. + +On the way back, I met the half-breed, and we walked together. +On reaching the house we happened to glance through the window, +and there was Teddy with his arm around the young wife's waist. +Teddy always was a rubber. It was lovely cards for a while, and +Teddy worked the old gag that he was showing her how they did in +a play, but she wasn't wise enough to follow it up, so we had to +leave. + +While returning on the train I made the horrible discovery that +I had been using my buckshot on the ducks and my birdshot on the +deer. I can see how the deer got away, but I'll say one thing, +and that is, that if a passing duck had ever reached his mitt out +for one of those buckshot he would have thought Rusie was doing +the pitching. He would have got it fine and daisy. + +I am not for the country. They have ticks, jiggers, and gnats, +all doing a nice conservative business at once. You never had +a tick on you, did you, Jim? Well, a tick is a very busy little +cup of tea. First, he'll crawl all over you, and then select a +spot on the back directly between the shoulder blades, where you +can't reach him. I talked to a man who was up on ticks, and he +said a tick was wiser than a bedbug. Now, you take a bedbug whose +head is perfectly clear, and who hasn't been drinking or smoking +too much, and there won't be many men on Wall Street much wiser +than he is. Well, after a tick gets his place picked out he +burrows in under the skin, then dies and festers. You wouldn't +catch a bedbug standing for that martyr game. + +There should be some kind of a law against gnats. About two +hundred of them will stay right in front of your eyes until one +of them gets an opening; then he'll cut in and land a jab, and +the other hundred and ninety-nine will give you the Big Minnehaha. +I had so many lumps on me when I got back to St. Paul that they +called me Pneumatic Willie. + +Talk about your sylvan dells and sweet-scented fragrance! Why, +an asphalt street has a sylvan dell skinned to death, and a +twelve-percent soap factory is sweet enough for me. + +Yours as ever, + +Billy. + +P. S.--Good night. I'm for the sleeps. + + + +ONE NIGHT + +A Kind of a Preface + +The Baxter Letters are written in the up-to-date slang of the +day, by one who has seen several of the sides of life, and who +has also come in contact with a few of the corners. + +We will mail "One Night" to any address in North America upon +receipt of four cents* in postage. Do not lick stamps and attach +to letter of request, as at some future date we may wish to use +same, and the Government foolishly requires a whole stamp. + +As there are several people in the United States with whom we +are not personally acquainted, and not being mind-readers, we +ask that all signatures be written plainly. + +* This offer is superseded by the publication of this volume. + + +Admiral Dewey's Letter + +In November, 1898 we sent Admiral Dewey a copy of "One Night." +The appended letter is photographed from the original reply +addressed to the president of our company, which was received +March 9, 1899. + +Flagship Olympia +Manila, + +Jan'y 28/99 + +Dear Sir, + +Accept my best thanks for the book (One Night) which you were +good enough to send me. + +Very truly + +George Dewey + +We also sent a copy to His Royal Highness, Albert, Prince of +Wales, and, having heard nothing from him, it now looks as +though Al were going to snob us. Under the circumstances, when +he runs for King we can't be for him. + + +One Night + +Pittsburg, PA., August, 189-. + +Dear Jim: + +You remember I wrote you about a sack suit I ordered last week. +Well, it came yesterday, and you know the finish. Why can't a +fellow put on a new suit, make a few calls, and go home like a +gentleman? The minute I got into that suit, I fell off the water +wagon with an awful bump, although I hadn't touched a drink for +thirty-seven days. Oh! But I got a lovely bun on. That's the last. +No more for me. There's nothing in it. If anybody says, "Have +something, Billy," you'll see your Uncle Bill take to the trees. + +Yesterday at 2:30 I had a hundred and ten dollars; this morning +I'm there with a dollar eighty, and that's the draw out of a +two-dollar touch. If there is any truth in the old saying that +money talks, I am certainly deaf and dumb to-day. Besides I have +a card in my pocket which says I've opened up a running account +of thirty-two forty at George's place. I wonder if this George +is on the level, because I'll swear I don't think I was in there +at all. I'll bet he stuck the forty on anyway. You know me, Jim; +I am one of those bright people who tries to keep up with a lot +of guys who have nothing to do but blow their coin. I stood around +yesterday and looked wise, and licked up about four high-balls; +then I kind of stretched. Whenever I give one of those little +stretches and swell up a bit that's a sign I am commencing to +get wealthy. I switched over and took a couple of gin fizzes, +and then it hit me I was richer than Jay Gould ever was; I had +the Rothschilds backed clear off the board; and I made William +H. Vanderbilt look like a hundred-to-one shot. You understand, +Jim, this was yesterday. I got a little red spot in each cheek, +and then I leaned over the bar and whispered, "Mr. Bartender, +break a bottle of that Pommery." Ordinarily I call the booze +clerk by his first name, but when you are cutting into the grape +at four dollars per, you always want to say Mr. Bartender, and +you should always whisper, or just nod your head each time you +open a new bottle, as it makes it appear as though you were +accustomed to ordering wine. You see, Jim, that's where I go off +my dip. That wine affair is an awful stunt for a fellow who makes +not over two thousand a year, carries ten thousand life, and rooms +in a flat that's fifteen a month stronger than he can stand. But +to continue, I lost the push I started out with, and got mixed +up with a fellow named Thorne, or Thorpe, or something like that, +and we got along great for a while. He knew a lot of fellows in +Boston that I did, and every time we struck a new mutual friend +we opened another bottle. I don't know just what the total +population of Boston is, but we must have known everybody there. +Finally Thorne got to crying because his mother had died. You +know I am a good fellow, so I cried, too. I always cry some time +during a bat, and there was an opening for your life. I cried so +hard that the bartender had to ask me to stop three different +times. I made Niobe look like a two spot. Between sobs I asked +him about the sad affair, and found that his mother had died +when he was born. I guess it had just struck him. Then there +were doings. + +I had wasted a wad of cries that would float the Maine, and I was +sore for fair. A fat fellow cut into the argument, and some one +soaked him in the eye, and then, as they say in Texas, "there was +three minutes rough house." In the general bustle a seedy looking +man pinched the Fresh Air Fund, box and all. You know I'm not much +for the bat cave, and to avoid such after-complications as patrol +wagons and things, I blew the bunch and started up street. I guess +the wind must have been against me, as I was tacking. + +I met Johnny Black, and he was going to keep a date with a couple +of swell heiresses at one of the hotel dining-rooms. I saw them +on the street to-day, and they won't do. One of them wore an +amethyst ring that weighed about sixty carats, and the other +had on white slippers covered with little beads. + +I don't know anything about them, but I'll gamble that they are +the kind of people that have pictures of the family and wreaths +in the parlor. They looked fine and daisy last night, though. +Probably the grape. My girl's name was Estelle. Wouldn't that +scald you? Estelle handed me a lot of talk about having seen +me on the street for the last two years, and how she had always +been dying to meet me, and I got swelled up and bought wine like +a horse owner. Johnny was shaking his head and motioning for me +to chop, but what cared I? Estelle was saying, "He done it," +"I seen it," and "Usen't you?" right along, but the grape stood +for everything. + +Estelle's friend was talking about her piano, and how hard it +was to get good servants nowadays, and say, Jim, I've heard +knockers in my time, but Estelle is the original leader of the +anvil chorus. She just put everybody in town on the pan and +roasted them to a whisper. She could build the best battleship +Dewey ever saw with her little hammer. Estelle's friend, after +much urging, then sang a pathetic ballad entitled, "She Should +Be Scolded, but Not Turned Adrift," and I sat there with one +eye shut, so that I could see single, and kept saying, "Per'fly +beauf'ful." + +About this time I commenced to forget. I remember getting an +awful rise out of Estelle by remarking that her switch didn't +match her hair. She came up like a human yeast cake. Johnny +sided with the dame, and said I might at least try to act like +a gentleman, even if I weren't one. Perhaps the grape wasn't +getting to Johnny by this time. He was nobby and boss. He was +dropping his r's like a Southerner, and you know how much of a +Southerner Johnny is--Johnstown, Pa.; and he was hollering around +about his little three-year-old, standard-bred, and registered +bay mare out of Highland Belle, by Homer Wilkes, with a mark of +twenty-one, that could out-trot any thing of her age that ever +champed a bit. Did you get that, Jim? That ever champed a bit; +and still he said at noon to-day that he had had two, possibly +three, glasses of wine, but no more. The only way that mare of +Johnny's can go a mile in twenty-one is "In the Baggage Coach +Ahead." + +Say, Jim, I've never said much about it, but you let any of these +fellows who own horses get a soak on, and they get to be a kind +of a village pest, with their talk about blowing up in the stretch, +shoe blisters on the left forearm, etc. Now, since when did a horse +get an arm? They have got me winging. I can't follow them at all. + +But to return to last night. When Johnny threw that thing at me +about champing the bit, it was all off to Buffalo with little +Will. I went out of business right there. + +When I got up this morning I had to ask the bellboy what hotel +I was in. I'll see the fellows to-night, and they'll all tell me +how dirty my face was, and what I called so and so, and make me +feel as bad as they possibly can. It's a wonder a fellow doesn't +get used to that, but I never do; I feel meaner each time. Guess +I'll take the veil. + +Don't fail to come down Saturday. Several of us are going yachting +on the Ohio River. It will be lovely billiards. + +Yours as ever, + +Billy. + +P. S.--Do you know anything about that George's place? + + +Horse Sense + +Sometimes you eat too much, sometimes you drink too much, and +sometimes you do both. In any event, you feel like the very old +scratch the next morning. Too much liquor overheats the blood. +Too much food, and the liver goes on a strike. The first remedy +which should suggest itself is a purgative which will act on the +liver, and cleanse the system of all the indigestible junk with +which it has been overtaxed. This is positively the foundation +for permanent relief. The next thing is to cool the blood. Now, +isn't it common horse sense? + +Think it over. + +The R--R-- is the only water which acts on the liver. It's base +is sodium phosphate. + +The R--R-- is the only water which cools the blood, Overheated blood is what +causes the pressure on the head. + +The R--R-- is the only pleasant-tasting aperient water of any +strength on the market to-day. + +We have stumbled onto a good thing, and we've got the money to +push it. + +You remember the man who at breakfast said: "Waiter, bring me +about ten grains of oatmeal, and put stickers on it so that it +will stay down; and say, waiter, please look as pleasant as +possible, for I feel like h--l." + +Well, that's how a person's stomach gets some mornings. + +If you are going to drink an aperient, why try to force down a +water that is warm, and tastes like a lot of bad eggs, doesn't +touch your liver, and won't cool your blood, when you can get +the R--R--, cold and sparkling and pleasant, which will do all +these things? + +If you are annoyed with constipation, stomach or liver trouble, +use as your system dictates, and see bow much better you feel. +It can't hurt you. Best before breakfast. + + + +IN SOCIETY + +Preface + +In presenting "In Society," we are confident of success. Upon +"One Night" comment is unnecessary. A bona fide demand for nearly +250,000 copies in less than three months speaks for itself. In +inclosing stamps for books, our men readers who will join the +"Union" mentioned on page 36 will so state. No names attached to +such communications will be published. The partial description +of the Grand Opera "Die Walkure" in this book is given precisely +as it occurred; and although the up-to-date slang used might +suggest exaggeration, such is really not the case. Again we ask +that your name be written plainly. This caution is not addressed +to the women. We have given up all hope of ever getting a readable +signature from a woman. Don't think for a moment that we have +anything against the women. Heaven forbid! We merely say that +if there is a woman in the United States who can write plainly, +that particular woman hasn't written us yet. + + +In Society + +Pittsburg, Pa., Feb. 1, 1899. + +Dear Jim: + +There is no new scandal worth mentioning. What I started to write +you about was Hemingway's duplicate whist party which was pulled +off last night. I had a bid, and as there was nothing else stirring, +I put on that boy's size dress suit of mine, and blew out there. +Jim, you know the signs you see on the dummies in front of these +little Yiddisher stores, "Take me home for $io.98," or "I used +to be $6.21, now I'm yours for $3.39." Well, that's your Uncle +Bill in a dress suit. Every one takes me for a waiter. + +I have just been thinking this society push over, and I have +come to the conclusion that an active leader in society has more +troubles than a man in the wheat pit, and a man in the wheat pit +is long on troubles about as often as he is on wheat. If you don't +believe it, ask Joe Leiter. He was long on both at the same time. + +Take the woman who uses fair English and has coin, and let her +display the same good cold judgment that has made her husband +successful in business, and some rainy Thursday morning the four +hundred will wake up and find a new member has joined the order. +While she is on her way she'll get many a frost, but after she +lands she'll even up on the other candidates. + +I have heard it said that locomotive engineers as a rule suffer +from kidney troubles, caused by the jolting and bumping of the +engine. If jolts and bumps go for anything, some of these people +who are trying to break into society must have Bright's Disease +something grievous. + +Jim, if you have never been to a duplicate whist party, see some +of those people play whist and then order your shroud. Last night +for a partner I drew an old girl who was a Colonial Dame because +her ancestors on both sides had worked on the Old Colony Railroad. +She must have taken a foolish powder or something, just before she +left home, as she was clean to the bad. She had to be called five +minutes before each play, and the way she trumped my ace the first +time around was enough to drive a person dippy. Once she mentioned +her husband's diamond-studded airship. Poor old lady! Probably took +a double dose by mistake. How careless! + +Everybody was making a great fuss over some girl who is lecturing +throughout the country on "Man as Woman Sees Him." Talk about +lavish eyes. My boy! my boy! but this dame was there with the +swell lamps. A hundred candle power easily. I tried to sit up +to her, but there was nothing doing. I might have known I was a +dead one. Because why? Because Mr. Percy Harold was talking to +her, and he knows all about rare china, real old lace, and such +things. When I came up the subject was Du Bois' Messe de Mariage. +(Spelling not guaranteed.) I asked about it this morning, Jim. +A Messe de Mariage seems to be some kind of a wedding march, and +a bishop who is a real hot dog won't issue a certificate unless +the band plays the Messe. Mr. Percy Harold kept right on talking +about Jack Hayes being so desperately in love with Mrs. Hardy- +Steele, and how late they were getting home from the Opera the +other night, and what a shame it was, as Mr. Steele seemed like +such a nice fellow. There I stood like a Harlem goat. I couldn't +cut in, because I have so many troubles of my own getting home +from any place at all that I haven't time to keep tab on other +people. I must be as slow getting onto a scandal as the injured +husband. If 115,000 people know something about a woman, my +number is 14,999, and the husband's number is 15,000. It seems +strange, but the husband always seems to get wise last. + +But to return to the girl with the electric eyes. I hung around in +that sad dress suit like a big dub, hoping that the conversation +would finally get switched to theaters or dogs or sparring, or +something where I could make good, but Mr. Harold had the floor, +and he certainly had me looking like a dirty deuce in a new deck. +I stood for him till he suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, fudge!" because +he had forgotten one of his rings, and there was where I took to +the tall timbers. If I were a ring I wouldn't let a guy like that +wear me. Now will you kindly tell me why it is that a girl will +throw a good fellow down every time for one of those Lizzie boys? +If I thought there were enough men in the country who feel as +I do, I would start "The American Union for the Suppression of +Lizzie Boys." + +Well, I decided to get into my class, so I started for the +smoking-room. I hadn't gone three feet till some woman held me +up, and began telling me how she adored grand opera. I didn't +even reply. I flew madly and remained hidden in the tall grasses +of the smoking-room until it was time to go home. Jim, should +any one ever tell you that grand opera is all right, he is either +trying to even up, or he is not a true friend. I was over in New +York with the family last winter, and they made me go with them +to "Die Walkure" at the Metropolitan Opera House. When I got +the tickets I asked the man's advice as to the best location. +He said that all true lovers of music occupied the dress circle +and balconies, and that he had some good center dress circle +seats at three bones per. Here's a tip, Jim. If the box man ever +hands you that true lover game, just reach in through the little +hole and soak him in the solar for me. It's coming to him. I'll +give you my word of honor we were a quarter of a mile from the +stage. We went up in an elevator, were shown to our seats, and +who was right behind us but my old pal Bud Hathaway from Chicago. +Bud had his two sisters with him, and he gave me one sad look +which said plainer than words, "So you're up against it, too, +eh?" We introduced all hands around, and about nine o'clock the +curtain went up. After we had waited fully ten minutes, out came +a big, fat, greasy looking Dago with nothing on but a bear robe. +He went over to the side of the stage, and sat down on a bum rock. +It was plainly to be seen, even from my true lover's seat, that +his bearlets was sorer than a dog about something. Presently in +came a woman, and none of the true lovers seemed to know who she +was. Some said it was Melba, others Nordica. Bud and I decided it +was May Irwin. We were mistaken, though, as Irwin has this woman +lashed to the mast at any time or place. As soon as Mike the +Dago espied the dame it was all off. He rushed, and drove a +straight-arm jab, which had it reached would have given him the +purse. But Shifty Sadie wasn't there. She ducked, side-stepped, +and landed a clever half-arm hook which seemed to stun the big +fellow. They clinched, and swayed back and forth, growling +continually, while the orchestra played this trembly +Eliza-crossing-the-ice music. Jim, I'm not swelling this a bit. +On the level, it happened just as I write it. All of a sudden +some one seemed to win. They broke away, and ran wildly to the +front of the stage with their arms outstretched, yelling to beat +three of a kind. The band cut loose something fierce. The leader +tore out about $9.00 worth of hair, and acted generally as though +he had bats in his belfry. I thought sure the place would be +pinched. It reminded me of Thirsty Thornton's dance-hall out in +Merrill, Wisconsin, when the Silent Swede used to start a general +survival of the fittest every time Mamie the Mink danced twice +in succession with the young fellow from Albany, whose father +owned the big mill up Rough River. Of course, this audience was +perfectly orderly, and showed no intention whatever of cutting in, +and there were no chairs or glasses in the air, but I am forced to +admit that the opera had Thornton's faded for noise. I asked Bud +what the trouble was, and he answered that I could search him. +The audience apparently went wild. Everybody said "Simply sublime!" +"Isn't it grand?" "Perfectly superb!" "Bravo!" etc., not because +they really enjoyed it, but merely because they thought it was the +proper thing to do. After that for three solid hours Rough House +Mike and Shifty Sadie seemed to be apologizing to the audience +for their disgraceful street brawl, which was honestly the only +good thing in the show. Along about twelve o'clock I thought I +would talk over old times with Bud, but when I turned his way I +found my tried and trusty comrade "Asleep at the Switch." + +At the finish the woman next to me, who seemed to be on, said that +the main lady was dying. After it was too late, Mike seemed kind +of sorry. He must have given her the knife, or the drops, because +there wasn't a minute that he could look in on her according to the +rules. He laid her out on the bum rock, they set off a lot of red +fire for some unknown reason, and the curtain dropped at 12:25. +Never again for my money. Far be it from me knocking, but any time +I want noise I'll take to a boiler shop or a Union Station where +I can understand what's coming off. I'm for a good mother show. +Do you remember "The White Slave," Jim? Well, that's me. Wasn't +it immense where the main lady spurned the leering villain's gold, +and exclaimed with flashing eye, "Rags are royal raiment, when +worn for virtue's sake." Great! + +"The White Slave" has "Die Walkure" beaten to a pulp, and they +don't get to you for three cases gate money, either. + +Say, Jim, if you ever happen to be hunting around for a real true +old sport, don't overlook General Hemingway, last evening's host. +When it comes to warm propositions he is certainly the bell cow. +They all follow him. He is one of those fat, bald headed old boys +who at one time has had the smallpox so badly that he looks as +though he had lost a lot of settings out of his face. He hustled +for about twenty years, harnessed up a bunch of money, and now his +life is one continual crimson sunset. Some people know when they +have enough, but when the old general has enough he doesn't know +anything. Smoke up! Jim, I didn't get that one myself the first +time I heard it. Every time the general gets lit up, he places his +arm around your shoulder, puts his face close to yours, blows ashes +in your eyes, and tells you confidentially, so that every one in +Texas can hear him, that he knew your father when the seat of his +trousers was ragged, and he didn't have one dollar to rub against +another. I don't mind that so much, but every time he comes to +a word with the letter _P_ in it, he spits all over a fellow. +Why, the other night he was telling me about our newly acquired +_P_ossessions, the _P_hilippines, being a land of _P_erpetual +_P_lenty, and for a while I thought I was in the natatorium. Under +the circumstances I don't know which would be more desirable, a +plumber for the general, or a mackintosh for myself. + +Yours as ever, + +Billy. + +P. S.--Jim, you know those little white checks they issue in +some bars and you pay at the cashier's desk? Well, one of the +boys just telephoned me that he saw Johnny Black a few minutes +ago in a down-town place with a beautiful sosh on, and that he +was eating his checks because he was broke. He had swallowed +five checks amounting to $2.30 before the bartender tumbled. +That's a new one on me, and it's all right. My! but that boy +Johnny is a sincere drinker. + + +More Horse Sense + +Sometimes you get up in the morning feeling as though you were +not expected to live. You know the cause. If you are at home, the +first thing to do is to square yourself. Some experts on squaring +say that it is best to deny everything, others advise a partial +acknowledgment of the facts, together with a solemn promise that +it will never occur again. We would respectfully suggest that you +try the first; If unsuccessful, spring the second, and if both fail, +be a thoroughbred and take it like a man. You probably deserve it, +but look at the fun you had the night before singing bass. Remember +one thing: don't say you missed the twelve o'clock car, and rather +than wait you walked home. You may have arrived in a cab. Wonderful +what a noise one small cab can make in the middle of the night. +Well, the next thing is your physical condition. Your liver must +be got going. Would you rather drink a cold, sparkling, pleasant- +tasting R--R--S-- that will produce instant action upon the liver? +or would you prefer a water that is warm and sickening, tastes +like an Italian tenement looks, and half the time won't stay down? +Many a good fellow has his own troubles in the morning trying to +find something that will stick. The R--R-- will stick, and what's +more, it cools the blood, which naturally relieves the pressure +upon the head. For constipation, stomach, and liver troubles, +R--R-- has no equal. Being on a sodium phosphate base, it is +positively the only liver water on the market to-day. Why subject +yourself to probable salivation from poisonous calomel when the +R--R-- is absolutely harmless and will give you better results? +Keep our goods at your home, and when you are away from home you +can get it at any first-class hotel, cafe, or club. + + + +IN LOVE + +Pittsburg, Pa., May 1, 1899. + +Dear Jim: + +So you want to know how a fellow is going to tell positively when +he is stuck on a girl, do you? Well, I'll tell you, and I'll tell +you mighty quick. If some guy cuts in on your steady, you are +going out to her home, and you are going to call her fine and +plenty, aren't you? And unless she promises to bump the other +fellow, you are going to leave her in a rage, aren't you? _Now, +if you go back without being sent for, you're it._ + +Jim, if you can you had better wait for her to break the ice. +If you don't, from that time on she will make you look like a +white chip. A woman is like one of the big trusts. The instant +she acquires a controlling interest in you she becomes a regular +ring-master. She will make you jump through, lie down and roll +over, walk lame, and play dead; and don't think for a moment you +won't do it, either. All the rest of them have. You show me a man +who hasn't been up against such a game, and I'll show you a man +who lacks experience. A lot of these handsome gazabes go around +looking wise, winning girls out, and thinking they are the happy +thought. That's because they have had a run of luck and landed +in among a bunch of marks. Let them keep it up. It is only a matter +of time until they will stumble over a live wire, and then it will +be pay-day on the Wabash. It's grand to see a great big slob +running along behind some little bit of a girl, a faithful Fido, +taking his orders like a politician. I know what I'm talking about, +Jim, because I have certainly been the original human dog. I used +to think I was the Village Rubber--but not any more. They have +made me look like thirty cents not once, but a dozen times. I can +gaze into the dim, hazy distance and see where every one of these +coy, clever fellows is going to get it, and get it good, and I am +glad of it. My hat's off. + +Say, Jim, I'm not much for these love stories in the books. They +are liable to mislead a fellow. You read how Benton Brockway, +the hero, looks into pretty Bessie Bell's blue eyes, places his +hand on her shapely shoulder, and tells her how he loves her. +Even her downcast eye doesn't hide the pearly tear as she answers +"Yes." Now, I can look into their eyes for four hours, and I can +tell them how I love them till I am black in the face, and they +seem to like it; but whenever I come to the laying of the hand on +the shapely shoulder part, it's all off. I am told that I am no +gentleman, and to roll my hoop out of that house forever. What's +a fellow going to do? You can never tell whether a girl is really +sore or whether she is stalling. A girl might be for a fellow +strong, and yet she wouldn't admit it for a thousand dollars. +There may be some things I wouldn't admit for a thousand, but I +don't just recall them at the present time. It only goes to show +that things are not always what they seem. Many a girl wears a +sailor hat who doesn't own a yacht. + +Just to show you what a chance a man has nowadays: The other +night I went out to see a certain girl. Won't mention any names. +Never do, sober. She made what she called a Robert E. Lee punch +out of apple brandy and stuff. Well, sir, after I had hit three +Robert E. Lees, I could see waving green fields and fruit-laden +orchards, and kind-faced old cows standing in silvery streams of +water. I couldn't remember of owing a cent, and the drawing-room +lamp looked like a flood of golden sunshine. Jim, I have never +been against the pipe, because I'm too young, but if it beats the +Robert E. Lee punch, I'll have to go after it. I took one more +dipper of Robert E. Lee, and then I decided that any girl who +could make that kind of a mix could have me for better or for +worse; and if I didn't propose right there I'll eat your hat. +I told her that I had loved her madly for months, but had never +found the courage to say so till that night. I also mentioned +the fact that even if she was very small and I was large, and +even if the people in the church would say we looked like Rhode +Island and Texas marching out together, that it made no difference +where true love was concerned. I finished it all up with a look +that would have melted the heart of a bank dealer. My work must +have been a little to the sandpaper, or I may have backed up +kind of foolish like, or something. Whatever it was, she answered, +"Billy, your brother's hair is a good deal darker than yours, +isn't it?" Now, what do you think of that frosty-hearted fairy? +Literally forced me to drink that punch, gets me ripened up, and +then throws the hooks into me. As a love-maker I guess I am a +shine. Jim, have you ever gone home late at night and told yourself +in front of the mirror how you loved some girl? and have you ever +seen that same girl walking along the street the next day with +another fellow, and the instant you discovered them, did a great +big lump come into your breast? And did you immediately think of +a lot of things about the fellow you didn't like, although +previously you had rather admired him? Well, that thing you get +in your breast is what we experts call the love lump, and you were +placing yourself in a position to later on become a kind of Patsy +to that girl. + +Isn't that love lump all the money, though? It makes a well-developed +case of indigestion look like a sunny summer day. When you come to +figure it all over, there's nothing to that jealousy thing. I used +to be Billy Brighteyes, and sneak out to my regular's home, thinking +that perhaps I would catch some one else there. What do I do now? +Why, I telephone that I will be out in thirty minutes. What you +don't know won't hurt you. + +Jim, what has ever become of that girl you were so crazy about +a couple of years ago? I guess maybe she didn't put a dent into +your heart that a person could drive a four-in-hand into and never +touch the sides, a regular Hoosac Tunnel. Then when she had you +all ribbed up and done to a turn, she said, "I love Mr. Hawkins +and Mr. Hawkins loves me. Good by, Jim; take care of yourself." +You couldn't have gotten a better jolt on the B. & 0. You will +pardon my suppressed merriment, but that girl certainly made you +look like a trailer. Never mind, Jim, old pal, we have all had a +crimp put into us at one time or another, and if you work hard and +observe good hours you'll get over it in four or five years. It's +nothing at all. + +I have often thought I would land a girl with coin, blow business, +and sit around for a while. It would be great to have your own +hearthstone with a couple of registered St. Bernard's lying around, +and here and there a golden-haired darling romping and playing +with a bottle of paregoric. But somehow or other I always fall +down. Now, take that Katherine Clark, who has been visiting the +Hemingways for the past month. When she first came I said to +myself, "Billy, my boy, here's your chance; break in and cop out +an heiress." So I sicked myself on to her. Well, you know I'm +not a piker. I went after her right. Eats, drinks, shows, and +all the expensive things. I touched Johnny Black's brother-in-law +for fifty, and gave an informal luncheon that was a pippin. I +wore my New York Central shirt with the four stripes, and we had +wine with cobwebs. There wasn't a thing served that any one could +pronounce, and Johnny Black got loaded and told us on the quiet +why his sister had left her husband. I insulted Johnny by making +some remark about his joining the Tell Club, and altogether +everything was a big success. The check came to $44.60, and I +flashed Johnny's brother-in-law's fifty. When the waiter brought +the five-forty change I waved him away as though the Standard Oil +Company was the smallest thing I owned. The tip was out that old +man Clark was black with money, and if it's so I know why. He is +tight-ribbed and popcorn. Down in George's Place the other day +I asked the old man what he was going to drink, and he said he +would rather have the money. And say, he gave me a cigar that +looked as though it had some skin trouble, and smelled like some +one was shoeing a horse. However, a fellow doesn't always have +to live with the bride's parents. Jim, this girl was a dream. +Tailor-made, cloak-model form, city-broke, kind, and sound. She +could just naturally beat the works out of a piano; and talk about +your swell valves. Why, the other night she sang "A Sailor's Life's +the Life for Me" so realistically that Johnny Black got seasick. +Well, to make a long story short, this morning I got an invitation +to Katherine Clark's wedding. Jim, did you ever have a fellow +come up behind you and smear you back of the ear when you weren't +looking? Well, that's exactly how that invitation felt. She is +going to marry some lobster out in St. Louis, and I'll bet he is +a pup, and is marrying her for her money. I figured it up on the +back of the invitation, and that lady sent me along for just two +hundred and ten dollars, not counting what I owe Johnny Black's +brother-in-law; and the best I get is a "come to the church." Of +course you will say I'm stung again, and that some one should +lead me out to the end of the Chicago Crib and push me into the +lake, and all that sort of rot; but hang it all, Jim, if I could +get that girl I would take her if she didn't have a cent. I guess +I'll light my p1pe. + +Yours as ever, + +Billy. + +P. S.--"Good by, Jim; take care of yourself." + + +More Horse Sense +Have you ever sat on the edge of the bed in the morning with +your elbows on your knees, your head buried in your hands, and +wondered if there was anything you overlooked the night before +that would have made you feel worse? Among the more polite, this +feeling is spoken of as the realization of indiscretion in diet; +but we plain people call it old Colonel R. E. Morse. There are +lots of things that will give you a Colonel, but a R--R--S-- is +the only thing that will make you feel like a person with a future +instead of a person with a past. You must cleanse your liver, and +that's all there is to it. Here's the proposition: Say there were +two glasses of aperient water standing on a table. One was muddy- +looking, bad-tasting, warm, and flat, and wouldn't touch your +liver. The other was clear, pleasant-tasting, cold, and sparkling, +and acted instantly upon your liver. Which would you take? Inasmuch +as our circulation is confined entirely to the most intelligent, +all we ask is, that you give this proposition one moment of your +thought. The immense sale of R--R--S-- proves beyond a doubt that +the American people are thoroughly disgusted with vile-tasting +foreign bitter waters, and were merely awaiting the advent of +something new and sparkling, like R--R--. + + + +IN NEW YORK + +Preface + +"In New York" is the last of the Baxter Letters for the present. +We think it well to stop before we get bad. We make but one claim +for distinction--the largest circulation America has ever seen +or heard of. The people, up to date, have actually demanded over +three and a half million copies, or nearly five car-loads of our +little books, and there is no telling where it will stop. We have +Robinson Crusoe backed clear off his island, and Uncle Tom's Cabin +burned to the ground. Still it would have been a different story +had we asked a dollar apiece for our books; so we are not so much +after all. + + +In New York + +Pittsburg, Pa., August 1, 1899. + +Dear Jim: + +Just got back from New York this morning. Bud Hathaway stopped +off here on his way from Chicago, and coaxed Johnny Black and me +to go over East with him. We went, and a pretty mess we made of +it. Bud is sore on both of us, I got touched for ninety, and +Johnny is lost. + +Nothing of interest occurred going over on the train, excepting +that when I turned in I took off my trousers without spilling my +money all over the Pullman floor. This is done by sewing the human +pocket shut. We landed at Twenty-third Street, in good shape, early +in the morning of the day before yesterday. When we reached the +Pennsylvania cab-stand some one had taken the hansom, so we had to +hire a carriage. They are building another hansom, and then there +will be plenty of hansoms for all. At the hotel Johnny claimed I +had a drag because I drew a room with a window in it. Breakfast +was hardly over until Bud, without consulting us at all, commenced +arrangements for giving a swell dinner to a couple of heiresses +who lived on Eighteenth Street and who were worth eight millions, +or who lived in Eighth Street and were worth eighty millions-- +Johnny and I didn't know which. Bud gave us a lot of hot air about +his mother's cousin standing fifteen balls in the New York Four, +and how that made him a nonresident member, and if we did just +as he said, he would put us in right. He told us that there were +thousands of people right in New York City, any one of whom would +give a cool million for our opportunity. Johnny immediately began +to figure, on how he would treat certain people over in Pittsburg +who had given him the eye in bygone days; and I got so struck on +myself that I cut the head waiter dead, although I had known him +intimately for years. Along about 11 A.M. the deal went through +by 'phone for seven o'clock that evening. Bud went to get shaved, +and Johnny and I retired to the bar to wait until it was time to +get ready for the dinner. + +Well, sir, I never met so many people in all my life as we met +in that bar. There was a wine agent whom everybody called Dick, +and I'm for Dick. He sapped up all kinds of booze except wine, +like four dollars' worth of blue blotters, and every time he took +a drink he raised his salary a thousand dollars a year. Once I +weakened, and went outside and watched the hotel lobby go around +for a while. When I returned, Johnny Black, Dick the wine agent, +and a large red-faced man who looked as though he had helped to +make Milwaukee famous, and who said he was from K. C., Mizzoo, +were doing some close harmony that was great. The three of them +were bunched with their arms resting on each others' shoulders, +singing "She May Have Seen Better Days," and the way they all +looked up toward heaven was something pathetic. Whenever they +came to a barber-shop minor they would hold it for a full minute, +and then they would all stop and tell each other how good they +were. Suddenly a fellow rushed in through the street door and +breathlessly exclaimed: "My goodness gracious, sakes alive! the +undertow almost carried me beyond the bar." The newcomer still +wore his dress suit from the evening before, and his shirt front +was all spattered with egg. He was promptly named "His Chickens." +His Chickens did a trick with a wine glass and a half-dollar, and +finally succeeded in cutting a gash in his wrist an inch long. +Johnny Black, who was rapidly becoming normal, remarked that His +Chickens was the village cut-up. I laughed so loud at Johnny's +shine joke that the manager of the hotel called me, and the whole +tribe got insulted and told the man his place was no good anyhow. + +We started out, and the first thing we did was to strike one of +those foolish cabs. We made a bargain for a dollar and a half +the first hour and a dollar each succeeding hour, and then we +fell in and told the pilot to take us all over New York. He said +he would, and from the way I feel, he did. K. C. started an awful +argument in one place by declaring that a straight should beat a +flush because there were only eight chances to fill a straight, +while with a flush there were nine. I never figured it out before, +but K. C. is right. + +In another place we met a Philadelphia-looking sort of a fellow +with a soft hat, a Prince Albert coat with narrow braid on it, +and a couple of those little bow-legged dogs with the long ears +and their stomachs away down on the ground. They call them Dasch +hounds, or something, and I can't for the life of me see what +anybody would want with such fool-looking dogs. They look as +though they had been born under a bureau or in a New York hotel +room, where you have to close the folding bed to find your clothes, +or in the Boston baseball grounds. The dog man said he used to know +a George Black years ago in Johnstown, Pa., who was a puddler in +the mills there. Johnny answered, "That's my father. He is manager +of those mills now, and what's more, he can lick any man in Cambria +County, just the same as I can lick any man in New York City." The +last was announced in a tone sufficiently loud to be heard all over +the place. Jim, I got it four times just from the overflow. Now, +you know merely because Johnny's father can lick any man in Cambria +County, is that any reason why I should land out in the middle of +the car track? Not at all. + +Along about ten in the evening Bud wanted to keep the seven-o'clock- +dinner date with the heiresses, but the rest of the gang were too +busy. We blew into one of those concert halls over on Eighth Avenue +where they have sand on the floor, red-white-and-blue tissue paper +around the edge of the ceiling, no programme because it costs too +much, and a bum piano for an orchestra. The Professor wore no coat, +but he certainly knew his way around the ivories. A sad-looking, +thin guy, with a four days' growth and a large near-diamond stud, +came out and announced that the next turn was the feature of the +evening--the winsome Sisters Montclair, who would sing a lovely +waltz ballad written expressly for them, entitled, "The Check +Was Forged--He Had Went Too Far." Johnny Black set 'em up to the +Professor right in the middle of the song, and the Professor bowed +his regards, blew the froth off his beer, drank it, and lit a +cigarette without losing a note. Immediately after the act the +Professor presented Miss Alice Montclair of the famous "Sisters +Montclair." Barring the fact that Miss Montclair had a mouth like +a cave, she wasn't a bad looker. Old K. C. gave what was intended +for a tender, loving look, and asked her if he could call her +Alice; then without waiting for an answer, passed into a Rip Van +Winkle that looked good for a hundred years. + +We told the lady it was up to her, and she said she would take a +Brandy and soda. Brandy and soda being fifty a throw and beer five +a copy, we told her to behave, and ordered the waiter to back her up +a tub of suds, Texas size. I noticed Miss Montclair's handkerchief +was marked "Mary Burke." Probably some mistake on the part of the +laundry. Careless laundry! Alice told us what lovely people her +folks were; she said her father was mayor of his town, and if we +only knew her real name it would surprise us all. Johnny Black +started to guess it, but was interrupted by having to settle for +the last round His Chickens had ordered. It seems His Chickens +would madly order, and then when the waiter would kind of hang +around for the price, he would do the earnest conversation gag +until some one else had made good. Alice, who was now getting a +trifle weary, went on to tell us that the girl who appeared with +her was not her sister, and that the only reason she stood for her +at all was because she had once been good to her when she was sick. +All of a sudden old K. C., who had been leaning over farther and +farther, did a Brodie out of his chair and lit on his eye. We dug +him out of the sand and put him back where he belonged, and he +immediately departed into another dreamless but jumpy slumber. At +this juncture somebody sold Dick six tickets at a dollar per for a +ball that had been given over a month ago by the Varnish Makers' +Union, K. of L., No. 229. Upon learning that he had been bunked, +Dick became very dignified, and said he would remember the fellow +perfectly, and that the day would come when they would be brought +face to face. + +We were all getting along great; everybody was calling Alice +by her first name, and Alice was saying, "I'll leave it to Bill +if it ain't right," and speaking of Manager Frohman as Charley, +when Johnny Black, the president of all the trouble-makers, +spoiled the whole business. It appears that Alice's eyelids were +slightly granulated. It was barely noticeable, and nobody but a +dog like Johnny would have mentioned such a thing. Anyway, Johnny +suggested that the lady's granulated eyelids were probably caused +by looking for a rise in "Sugar." Jim, you should have seen Alice +go up! Johnny certainly cut her weights fine and proper. Of course, +Johnny was batting under two hundred, but for some unknown reason +we all got the blue pencil. She called Johnny an illy bred, low- +born, undersized, cavery-faced Protestant pup. Johnny was so +excited he couldn't get back at all. He just sputtered and spit +and made motions with his mouth. It was grand and touching and +refined. I cut in and tried to square it, and the lady told me +I was a spangle-eyed big dub. I'll bet that's one of the worst +things a fellow can be. Dick was then told what he was, and he +put it down in a book, after which Alice finished it all up with +a flood of tears. The head waiter came up and said: "Look a here, +Mary, what ails you, anyway? You're getting so lately you turn +them tears on every night. Be a good fellow, and don't make a +lot of gents think we're running a morgue. You've blowed half +your make-up as it is." Mary, alias Alice, gave the head waiter +one withering look, and left the place. We started to move on, +but found it was impossible to bring old K. C. back. We pounded +him and yelled at him for ten minutes, but there wasn't a leaf +stirring, except once, when he came to long enough to remark that +he was sweating like a June bride. We finally took his watch and +all his money but two dollars, and left him like a dog. A fellow +is perfectly safe in New York without any money. + +We then mounted our deep-sea-going cab, and told the skipper +we were for the eats. He took us to a big restaurant on upper +Sixth Avenue. We told the waiter to bring us everything that +was good. When the waiter returned with the knives and forks, +he also brought us some Dill pickles. I took a bite at one of +them, and she squirted and hit a fellow at the next table in the +eye. I guess a Dill pickle must smart right pert--however, I won't +bore you with any details. Jim, I can remember that just at the +start of it a waiter happened to be passing with a very large +order on his tray, and for a while the air was literally crowded +with oyster stews, Welsh rarebits, glasses, showers of booze, +frogs' legs, and everything that wasn't chained down. When the +smoke cleared away I was occupying my regular position in the +center of the car track. They wouldn't let me in again, and the +rest of the fellows were too hungry to come out; so there I was +"Alone in New York." The cabman then asked for his money for the +whole day. I told him that the lack of money was the least of my +troubles, and I went down after ninety dollars that I had pinned +in my trousers watch-pocket with a safety pin. Exit money. Whoever +got to me hadn't even left the safety pin. The cabman made some +remarks about taking it out of my hide, and I spent all of twenty +minutes proving to him that the rest of the bunch would settle when +they came out. I then walked all the way down to the hotel, alone +and hungry. In my whole life I never met such a quarrelsome lot +of people. You know yourself, Jim, that any one who can guess +when a Dill pickle is going to squirt is entitled to the barrel +of flour, or the gold-plated oil stove; and as far as that ninety +is concerned, I suppose I went in front of the City Hall and +presented it to somebody. I'll bet, all told, I've been in a +hundred scraps in New York, and have never won a battle. I'll +win out yet, if I have to go out and beat up a poor old apple-woman. + +Say, Jim, the greatest game in New York is to walk into some hotel +Palm-room with a particularly swell girl and watch all the rest +of them get jealous. You know that Harper girl from Louisville? +Well, I showed her around New York a couple of months ago, and +she made them all look like a summer resort on a rainy day. When +we entered any of the big restaurants I would send her along ahead, +and I would trail to hear the cracks. It was grand to see them +rubber and hear the women say, "She isn't so much," or "My, isn't +she padded frightfully!" and hear the men say, "Gee! A dream," or +"Pipe, Dan, I guess she's perfectly miserable, eh?" I lost two or +three sets of studs that trip just from swelling up. + +Well, I'm home, and here I am going to stay. Just on the quiet, +I never felt so bad in my life. I'm all sore and stiff from that +car-track habit, and talk about your jumps! Why, a minute ago I +was sitting as quiet as a lamb, when, without the slightest warning +I did a leap straight up into the air about four feet. I wonder what +causes that? Coming down to the office this morning somebody kept +calling me continually, and when I would look around there wouldn't +be a soul near, and I am all the time hearing bands of music, and +maybe I am not perspiring! + +If I ever get over this, that narrow-path gag for your Uncle Bill +for a long time to come. When you get to throwing your money away +there is nothing doing. Far be it from me casting up, neither am I +a hard loser, but I certainly could use that ninety. Well, that'll +be about all. + +Yours as ever, + +Billy. + +P. S.--Just received the following telegram from Johnny Black, +dated New York, 1:50 P. M.: "Old K. C. has just been sighted. +She's a little dismantled, but game. She's arranging for a +foolisher for a whole week, and I am going to stay with him. +Dick sends best. Chickens has a roll." + +I wired Johnny as follows: "If you see a safety pin anywhere +around Chickens, that roll belongs to me." + + + +JOHNNY BLACK'S GIRL + +Pittsburg, Pa., July 1, 1899. + +Dear Jim: + +I have something to tell you, and it's not necessary to stand +on the courthouse steps at high noon and do the human phonograph +act, as it's strictly under your bonnet. One evening about three +years ago, before Johnny and I had moved to our new flat, I had +turned in kind of early, as I had been to the Cabinet-Makers' Ball +at Turner's Hall the night before, and it had been a great success. +I was wakened by Johnny beating me and asking me to shake hands. +He was dancing around like a crazy man, and as soon as I fairly +got my eyes opened I guessed the cause. Little Nellie Morrison +had told him she loved him, and they were engaged. My! but Johnny +was happy and important. Well, sir, he just kept me up till two +o'clock, telling me all their plans. It wasn't very hard to do, +either, for although I tried to appear kind of careless, I was +as much excited as Johnny. It was just six months later that +poor little Nell was taken out dead from that big wreck over +East. Well, now comes the trouble. Johnny Black loves that little +girl just as much as he did the day she was brought back home. +So far as the boys are concerned, he has hidden it fairly well. +They think he is over it, but, Jim, he's getting worse. Last night +I came in about twelve, and there sat Johnny curled up in the big +chair you gave me last Christmas. He had cried himself to sleep, +and in his hand was a picture of Nell. There she was in a little +white dress, smiling up at him just as she used to before it all +happened. I leaned over and touched him as gently as I could, and +said, "Come on to bed, Johnny." He never answered a word. He placed +the picture in his pocket, and I led him off to his room. He didn't +speak until just before he put out his light, and then he said, +"You know, Bill, I used to tell her all my schemes, and she was +so kind, and how she did want to see me a success. You know how +things are coming, Bill, and I'd like to see her just a minute +and have her cuddle up and say, 'I knew my boy was all right.'" +What was I going to do? I don't know anything about consoling +people, so I just said, "Never mind, Johnny; you and I'll take +a trip and try to forget it." Jim, it's been over two years now, +and he loves her more than ever. What I want you to do is to write +him and tell him to take a rest. He can afford it easily enough. +Every time he looks at anything somebody gallops in and hands him +a check. Do this, will you Jim? + +Yours as ever, + +Billy. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Billy Baxter's Letters, by Wm J. 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