1 files changed, 5432 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/19220-8.txt b/19220-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fab4b4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19220-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,5432 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Irish Wit and Humor, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Irish Wit and Humor
+       Anecdote Biography of Swift, Curran, O'Leary and O'Connell
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Release Date: September 8, 2006 [EBook #19220]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH WIT AND HUMOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Marilynda Fraser-Cunliffe, Ted Garvin and the
+Online Distributed Proofreaders Europe at
+http://dp.rastko.net (produced from page scans provided
+by the Digital and Multimedia Center, Michigan State
+University Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: DEAN SWIFT.]
+
+IRISH WIT AND HUMOR,
+
+ANECDOTE BIOGRAPHY
+
+OF
+
+SWIFT, CURRAN, O'LEARY AND O'CONNELL.
+
+NEW YORK:
+
+J. A. McGEE, 9 BARCLAY STREET.
+
+1872.
+
+Entered according to the act of Congress, in the year 1871, by
+James McGee in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at
+Washington.
+
+Stereotyped at the New York Catholic Protectory, West Chester, N. Y.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+DEAN SWIFT.
+
+His Birth--Singular Event 9
+
+A Certificate of Marriage 10
+
+Grace after Dinner 11
+
+The Three Crosses 13
+
+Chief Justice Whitshed 12
+
+To Quilca 16
+
+Mr. Pulteney 16
+
+Resolutions when I come to be Old 17
+
+Miss Bennet 19
+
+The Feast of O'Rourke 20
+
+Swift's Behavior at Table 24
+
+Countess of Burlington 25
+
+Swift's Political Principles 27
+
+Swift's Charity 29
+
+Public Absurdity in Ireland 30
+
+Swift's Peculiarity of Humor 30
+
+Dr. Bolton 32
+
+The Scriblerus Club 33
+
+The Upstart 36
+
+Meditation upon a broomstick 37
+
+Cossing a Dog 39
+
+Trade of Ireland 40
+
+A Beggar's Wedding 41
+
+The Pies--Short Charity Sermon 43
+
+A Courtier's Retort--Lying 44
+
+Dr. Sacheverell 45
+
+Taxing the Air--Wisdom 46
+
+Epitaph on Judge Boat 47
+
+On Stephen Duck, the Thresher and Favorite Poet 47
+
+Dialogue between Swift and his Landlord 48
+
+Roger Cox 50
+
+Roger and the Poultry 52
+
+Kelly the Blacksmith 52
+
+Birth-day Presents 53
+
+The Dean's Contributory Dinner 56
+
+Swift and Bettesworth 58
+
+Swift among the Lawyers 61
+
+Preaching Patriotism 61
+
+Swift and his Butler 63
+
+His Saturnalia 65
+
+The Dean and Faulkner 66
+
+Swift, Arbuthnot, and Parnell 67
+
+Dean Swift and the Preacher who stole his sermon 69
+
+Swift's queer Testimonial to his Servant 71
+
+Swift at Thomastown 73
+
+Swift's Last Lines 77
+
+
+JOHN PHILPOT CURRAN.
+
+His birth 79
+
+Curran as Punch's Man 80
+
+At a debating Society 80
+
+The Bank--Duel with St. Leger 82
+
+The Monks of the Screw 83
+
+Lord Avonmore 84
+
+His first Client 86
+
+Curran and the Informer 89
+
+Lord Clare 93
+
+Curran's Eloquence 94
+
+Scene between Fitzgibbon and Curran 96
+
+Defence of Rowan 98
+
+Encounter with a Fishwoman 114
+
+Curran and Lord Erskine 114
+
+Duel with Bully Egan 116
+
+Massy versus Headfort 116
+
+The Serenading Lover 121
+
+Employment of Informers 128
+
+Curran and the Farmer 130
+
+Curran and the Judge 132
+
+Curran's quarrel with Fitzgibbon 133
+
+High Authority 136
+
+Red Tape--Curran and the Mastiff 137
+
+
+ARTHUR O'LEARY.
+
+His birth 139
+
+Controversy with an Infidel 140
+
+Interview with Dr. Mann 144
+
+Controversy with John Wesley 145
+
+Meeting of O'Leary and Wesley 151
+
+Dr. O'Leary and Father Callanan 152
+
+O'Leary and the Quakers 154
+
+His Reception by the Volunteers 155
+
+O'Leary and John O'Keefe 157
+
+O'Leary and the Irish Parliament 159
+
+His Interview with Daniel Danser 162
+
+A Fop 164
+
+His Person--Captain Rock 166
+
+Lots drawn to have him at dinner 168
+
+Reply to charge of Recantation 171
+
+O'Leary and the Rector 173
+
+Lady Morgan 174
+
+A Batch of Interesting Anecdotes 175
+
+A Dog's Religion 179
+
+Howard and Mr. Henry Shears 180
+
+His Habits of study 181
+
+Edmond Burke 182
+
+His Charity 183
+
+O'Leary versus Curran 184
+
+His triumph over Dr. Johnson 186
+
+A Nolle Prosequi 187
+
+The Prince of Wales 188
+
+The Closing Scenes of his Life 189
+
+
+DANIEL O'CONNELL.
+
+Darby Moran 193
+
+A Dead Man with Life in Him 194
+
+A Young Judge Done 196
+
+O'Connell and a Snarling Attorney 197
+
+His encounter with Biddy Moriarty 201
+
+O'Connell and a Bilking Client 207
+
+Sow-West and the Wigs 209
+
+Election and Railway Dinners 211
+
+Scene at Killiney 213
+
+An Insolent Judge 214
+
+A Witness Cajoled 216
+
+His Duel with Captain D'Esterre 217
+
+O'Connell and Secretary Goulburn 225
+
+Entrapping a Witness 220
+
+Gaining over a Jury 227
+
+Paddy and the Parson 229
+
+A Martial Judge 230
+
+Retentive Memory 231
+
+A Political Hurrah at a Funeral 233
+
+Refusal of Office 233
+
+A Mistaken Frenchman 234
+
+Epistolary Bores 235
+
+Sir R. Peel's Opinion of O'Connell 237
+
+Anecdote of O'Connell's Uncle 237
+
+A Slight Rebuke 238
+
+
+
+
+IRISH WIT AND HUMOR.
+
+
+
+
+DEAN SWIFT.
+
+
+HIS BIRTH.
+
+Dr. Jonathan Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, was born A.D. 1667,
+in Hoey's Court, Dublin, the fourth house, right hand side, as you enter
+from Werburgh-street. The houses in this court still bear evidence of
+having been erected for the residence of respectable folks. The "Dean's
+House," as it is usually designated, had marble chimney-pieces, was
+wainscotted from hall to garret, and had panelled oak doors, one of
+which is in possession of Doctor Willis, Rathmines--a gentleman who
+takes a deep interest in all matters connected with the history of his
+native city.
+
+
+SINGULAR EVENT.
+
+When Swift was a year old, an event happened to him that seems very
+unusual; for his nurse, who was a woman of Whitehaven, being under the
+absolute necessity of seeing one of her relations, who was then
+extremely sick, and from whom she expected a legacy; and being extremely
+fond of the infant, she stole him on shipboard unknown to his mother and
+uncle, and carried him with her to Whitehaven, where he continued for
+almost three years. For, when the matter was discovered, his mother sent
+orders by all means not to hazard a second voyage till he could be
+better able to bear it. The nurse was so careful of him that before he
+returned he had learned to spell; and by the time that he was five years
+old, he could read any chapter in the Bible.
+
+After his return to Ireland he was sent at six years old to the school
+of Kilkenny, from whence at fourteen he was admitted into the Dublin
+University.
+
+
+A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.
+
+Swift, in one of his pedestrian journeys from London towards Chester, is
+reported to have taken shelter from a summer tempest under a large oak
+on the road side, at no great distance from Litchfield. Presently, a
+man, with a pregnant woman, wore driven by the like impulse to avail
+themselves of the same covert. The Dean, entering into conversation,
+found the parties were destined for Litchfield to be married. As the
+situation of the woman indicated no time should be lost, a proposition
+was made on his part to save them the rest of the journey, by performing
+the ceremony on the spot. The offer was gladly accepted, and thanks
+being duly returned, the bridal pair, as the sky brightened, was about
+to return: but the bridegroom suddenly recollecting that a certificate
+was requisite to authenticate the marriage, requested one, which the
+Dean wrote in these words:
+
+    Under an oak, in stormy weather,
+    I joined this rogue and wench together,
+    And none but he who rules the thunder,
+    Can put this wench and rogue asunder.
+
+
+GRACE AFTER DINNER.
+
+Swift was once invited by a rich miser with a large party to dine; being
+requested by the host to return thanks at the removal of the cloth,
+uttered the following grace:--
+
+    Thanks for this miracle!--this is no less
+    Than to eat manna in the wilderness.
+    Where raging hunger reign'd we've found relief,
+    And seen that wondrous thing, a piece of beef.
+    Here chimneys smoke, that never smok'd before,
+    And we've all ate, where we shall eat no more!
+
+
+THE THREE CROSSES.
+
+Swift in his journeys on foot from Dublin to London, was accustomed to
+stop for refreshments or rest at the neat little ale-houses at the
+road's side. One of these, between Dunchurch and Daventry, was formerly
+distinguished by the sign of the _Three Crosses_, in reference to the
+three intersecting ways which fixed the site of the house. At this the
+Dean called for his breakfast, but the landlady, being engaged with
+accommodating her more constant customers, some wagoners, and staying to
+settle an altercation which unexpectedly arose, keeping him waiting, and
+inattentive to his repeated exclamations, he took from his pocket a
+diamond, and wrote on every pane of glass in her best room:--
+
+
+TO THE LANDLORD.
+
+    There hang three crosses at thy door:
+    Hang up thy wife, and she'll make four.
+
+
+CHIEF JUSTICE WHITSHED.
+
+Swift, in a letter to Pope, thus mentions the conduct of this worthy
+Chief Justice:--
+
+"I have written in this kingdom a discourse to persuade the wretched
+people to wear their own manufactures instead of those from England:
+this treatise soon spread very fast, being agreeable to the sentiments
+of a whole nation, except of those gentlemen who had employments, or
+were expectants. Upon which a person in great office here immediately
+took the alarm; he sent in haste to Lord Chief Justice Whitshed, and
+informed him of a seditious, factious, and virulent pamphlet, lately
+published, with a design of setting the two kingdoms at variance,
+directing at the same time that the printer should be prosecuted with
+the utmost rigor of the law. The Chief Justice had so quick an
+understanding that he resolved, if possible, to outdo his orders. The
+grand juries of the county and city were practised effectually with to
+represent the said pamphlet with all aggravating epithets, for which
+they had thanks sent them from England, and their presentments published
+for several weeks in all the newspapers. The printer was seized, and
+forced to give great bail: after this trial the jury brought him in _not
+guilty_, although they had been culled with the greatest industry. The
+Chief Justice sent them back nine times, and kept them eleven hours,
+until, being tired out, they were forced to leave the matter to the
+mercy of the judge, by what they call a special verdict. During the
+trial, the Chief Justice, among other singularities, laid his hand on
+his breast, and protested solemnly that the author's design was to bring
+in the Pretender, although there was not a single syllable of party in
+the whole treatise, and although it was known that the most eminent of
+those who professed his own principles publicly disallowed his
+proceedings. But the cause being so very odious and unpopular, the trial
+of the verdict was deferred from one term to another, until, upon the
+arrival of the Duke of Grafton, the Lord Lieutenant, his Grace, after
+mature advice and permission from England, was pleased to grant a _nolle
+prosequi_."
+
+
+CHIEF JUSTICE WHITSHED'S MOTTO ON HIS COACH.
+
+    _Libertas et natale solum._
+    Liberty and my native country.
+
+    _Libertas et natale solum_;
+    Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em:
+    Could nothing but thy chief reproach
+    Serve for a motto on thy coach?
+    But let me now the words translate:
+    _Natale solum_:--my estate:
+    My dear estate, how well I love it!
+    My tenants, if you doubt, will prove it.
+    They swear I am so kind and good,
+    I hug them till I squeeze their blood.
+    _Libertas_ bears a large import:
+    First, how to swagger in a court;
+    And, secondly, to show my fury
+    Against an uncomplying Jury;
+    And, thirdly, 'tis a new invention
+    To favor Wood, and keep my pension:
+    And fourthly, 'tis to play an odd trick,
+    Get the Great Seal, and turn out _Brod'rick_.
+    And, fifthly, you know whom I mean,
+    To humble that vexatious Dean;
+    And, sixthly, for my soul to barter it
+    For fifty times its worth to Carteret.
+    Now since your motto thus you construe,
+    I must confess you've spoken once true.
+    _Libertas et natale solum_,
+    You had good reason when you stole 'em.
+
+
+ON THE SAME UPRIGHT CHIEF JUSTICE WHITSHED.
+
+    In church your grandsire cut his throat:
+      To do the job too long he tarried,
+    He should have had my hearty vote,
+      To cut his throat before he married.
+
+
+TO QUILCA.
+
+This was a country house of Dr. Sheridan's, where Swift and some of his
+friends spent a summer in the year 1725, and being in very bad repair,
+Swift wrote the following lines on the occasion:--
+
+    Let me thy properties explain;
+    A rotten cabin dropping rain:
+    Chimneys with scorn rejecting smoke:
+    Stools, tables, chairs and bedsteads broke.
+    Here elements have lost their uses,
+    Air ripens not, nor earth produces:
+    In vain we make poor Shelah toil,
+    Fire will not roast, nor water boil.
+    Through all the valleys, hills, and plains,
+    The _goddess Want_ in triumph reigns;
+    And her chief officers of state;
+    Sloth, Dirt, and Theft, around her wait.
+
+
+MR. PULTENEY.
+
+Swift says, in a letter to Mr. Pulteney: "I will do an unmannerly thing,
+which is to bequeath you an epitaph for forty years hence, in two words,
+_ultimus Britannorum_. You never forsook your party. You might often
+have been as great as the court can make any man so; but you preserved
+your spirit of liberty when your former colleagues had utterly
+sacrificed theirs; and if it shall ever begin to breathe in these days,
+it must entirely be owing to yourself and one or two friends; but it is
+altogether impossible for any nation to preserve its liberty long under
+a tenth part of the present luxury, infidelity, and a million of
+corruptions. We see the Gothic system of limited monarchy is
+extinguished in all the nations of Europe. It is utterly extirpated in
+this wretched kingdom, and yours must be next. Such has ever been human
+nature, that a single man, without any superior advantages either of
+body or mind, but usually the direct contrary, is able to attach twenty
+millions, and drag them voluntarily at his chariot wheels. But no more
+of this: I am as sick of the world as I am of age and disease. I live in
+a nation of slaves, who sell themselves for nothing."
+
+
+RESOLUTIONS WHEN I COME TO BE OLD.
+
+These resolutions seem to be of that kind which are easily formed, and
+the propriety of which we readily admit at the time we make them, but
+secretly never design to put them in practice.
+
+1. Not to marry a young woman.
+
+2. Not to keep young company, unless they really desire it.
+
+3. Not to be peevish, or morose, or suspicious.
+
+4. Not to scorn present ways, or wits, or fashions, or men, or war, &c.
+
+5. Not to be fond of children.
+
+6. Not to tell the same story over and over to the same people.
+
+7. Not to be covetous.
+
+8. Not to neglect decency or cleanliness, for fear of falling into
+nastiness.
+
+9. Not to be over severe with young people, but to give allowance for
+their youthful follies and weaknesses.
+
+10. Not to be influenced by, or give ear to, knavish tattling servants,
+or others.
+
+11. Not to be too free of advice, nor trouble any but those who desire
+it.
+
+12. To desire some good friends to inform me which of these resolutions
+I break or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
+
+13. Not to talk much, nor of myself.
+
+14. Not to boast of my former beauty or favor with ladies, &c.
+
+15. Not to hearken to flatteries, or believe I can be beloved by a young
+woman.
+
+16. Not to be positive or opiniative.
+
+17. Not to set up for observing all these rules, for fear I should
+observe none.
+
+
+MISS BENNET.
+
+This lady was a celebrated beauty in her day, and often mentioned by
+Swift. Dr. Arbuthnot thus speaks of her in one of his letters: "Amongst
+other things, I had the honor to carry an Irish lady to court that was
+admired beyond all the ladies in France for her beauty. She had great
+honors done her. The hussar himself was ordered to bring her the King's
+cat to kiss. Her name is Bennet."
+
+This circumstance gave rise to the following lines by the Dean:--
+
+    For when as Nelly came to France,
+      (Invited by her cousins)
+    Across the _Tuileries_ each glance
+      Kill'd Frenchmen by whole dozens.
+
+    The king, as he at dinner sat,
+      Did beckon to his hussar,
+    And bid him bring his tabby cat
+      For charming Nell to buss her.
+
+    The ladies were with rage provok'd,
+      To see her so respected;
+    The men look'd arch as Nelly strok'd,
+      And puss her tail erected.
+
+    But not a man did look employ,
+      Except on pretty Nelly;
+    Then said the Duke de Villeroi,
+      Ah! _qu'elle est bien jolie_!
+
+    The courtiers all with one accord,
+      Broke out in Nelly's praises:
+    Admir'd her rose, and _lis sans farde_,
+      Which are your terms _Francaises_.
+
+
+THE FEAST OF O'ROURKE.
+
+Swift had been heard to say more than once that he should like to pass a
+few days in the county of Leitrim, as he was told that the native Irish
+in that part were so obstinately attached to the rude manners of their
+ancestors, that they could neither be induced by _promises_, nor forced
+by _threats_, to exchange them for those of their neighbors. Swift, no
+doubt, wished to know what they would get by the exchange. Mr. Core was
+resolved that the Dean should be indulged to the fullest extent of his
+wish; for this purpose he had a person posted in Cavan, who was to give
+him immediate notice when the Dean arrived in that town, which he
+usually did once a year, and where he remained a day or two or longer,
+if the weather was not fair enough to travel. The instant Mr. Gore was
+informed of the Dean's arrival, he called and invited him to pass a few
+days at a noble mansion which he had just finished on a wing of his own
+estate in that county. The Dean accepted the invitation; and, as the
+season was fine, every thing as he advanced excited his attention; for,
+like other men, he was at times subject to "the skyey influence," and
+used to complain of the winds of March, and the gloom of November.
+
+Mr. Gore had heard so much of Swift's peculiar manners that he was
+determined he should have his way in every thing; but was resolved,
+however, that he should be entertained in the old Irish style of
+hospitality, which Mr. Gore always kept up to such a degree, that his
+house might be called a public inn without sign. The best pipers and
+harpers were collected from every quarter, as well as the first singers,
+for music is an essential ingredient in every Irish feast. The Dean was
+pleased with many of the Irish airs, but was peculiarly struck with the
+Feast of O'Rourke, which was played by Jeremy Dignum, the Irish
+Timotheus, who swept the lyre with flying fingers, when he was told that
+in the judgment of the Dean, he carried off the _spolia opima_ from all
+the rest of the musical circle. The words of the air were afterwards
+sung by a young man with so much taste and execution, that the Dean
+expressed a desire to have them translated into English. Dr. Gore told
+him that the author, a Mr. Macgowran, lived at a little distance, and
+that he would be proud to furnish a literal translation of his own
+composition either in Latin or English, for he was well skilled in both
+languages. Mr. Gore accordingly sent for the bard, the Laureate of the
+Plains, as he called himself, who came immediately. "I am very well
+pleased," said the Dean, "with your composition. The words seem to be
+what my friend Pope calls 'an echo to the sense.'" "I am pleased and
+proud," answered Macgowran, "that it has afforded you any amusement: and
+when you, Sir," addressing himself to the Dean, "put all the strings of
+the Irish harp in tune, it will yield your Reverence a double pleasure,
+and perhaps put me out of my senses with joy." Macgowran, in a short
+time, presented the Dean with a literal translation, for which he
+rewarded him very liberally, and recommended him to the protection of
+Mr. Gore, who behaved with great kindness to him as long as he lived.
+To this incident we are indebted for the translation of a song or poem,
+which may be called a true picture of an Irish feast, where every one
+was welcome to eat what he pleased, to drink what he pleased, to say
+what he pleased, to sing what he pleased, to fight when he pleased, to
+sleep when he pleased, and to dream what he pleased; where all was
+native--their dress the produce of their own shuttle--their cups and
+tables the growth of their own woods--their whiskey _warm from the still
+and faithful to its fires_! The Dean, however, did not translate the
+whole of the poem; the remaining stanzas were translated some years
+since by Mr. Wilson, as follow:--
+
+    Who rais'd this alarm?
+      Says one of the clergy,
+    And threat'ning severely,
+      Cease fighting, I charge ye.
+
+    A good knotted staff,
+      The full of his hand,
+    Instead of the _Spiradis_,
+      Back'd his command.
+
+    So falling to thrash,
+      Fast as he was able,
+    A trip and a box
+      Stretch'd him under the table.
+
+    Then rose a big friar,
+      To settle them straight,
+    But the back of the fire
+      Was quickly his fate.
+
+    From whence he cried out,
+      Do you thus treat your _pastors_!
+    Ye that scarcely were bred
+      To the _sewn wise masters_;
+
+    That when with the Pope
+      I was getting my lore,
+    Ye were roasting potatoes
+      At the foot of _Sheemor_.
+
+
+SWIFT'S BEHAVIOR AT TABLE.
+
+Swift's manner of entertaining his guests, and his behavior at table,
+were curious. A frequent visitor thus described them: He placed himself
+at the head of the table, and opposite to a great pier glass, so that he
+could see whatever his servants did at the marble side-board behind his
+chair. He was served entirely in plate, and with great elegance. The
+beef being once over-roasted, he called for the cook-maid to take it
+down stairs and do it less. The girl very innocently replied that she
+could not. "Why, what sort of a creature are you," exclaimed he, "to
+commit a fault which cannot be mended?" Then, turning to one that sate
+next to him, he said very gravely, that he hoped, as the cook was a
+woman of genius, he should, by this manner of arguing, be able, in about
+a year's time, to convince her she had better send up the meat too
+little than too much done: at the same time he charged the men-servants,
+that whenever they thought the meat was ready, to take it up, spit and
+all, and bring it up by force, promising to assist them in case the cook
+resisted. Another time the Dean turning his eye towards the
+looking-glass, espied the butler opening a bottle of ale, and helping
+himself. "Ha, friend," said the Dean, "sharp is the word with you, I
+find: you have drunk my ale, for which I stop two shillings out of your
+board wages this week, for I scorn to be outdone in any thing, even in
+cheating."
+
+
+COUNTESS OF BURLINGTON.
+
+Swift was dining one day with the Earl of Burlington soon after his
+lordship's marriage, when that nobleman, expecting some diversion from
+Swift's oddities of behavior, purposely neglected to name him to his
+lady, who was entirely ignorant of the Dean's person. The Dean
+generally wore his gowns till they were quite rusty, which being the
+case, she supposed him to be some clergyman of no great consequence.
+After dinner, the Dean said to her, "Lady Burlington, I hear you can
+sing; come, sing me a song." The Lady, disgusted with this unceremonious
+way of asking such a favor, positively refused him. He said she could
+sing, or he would make her. "What, madam, I suppose you take me for one
+of your poor paltry English hedge-parsons; sing, when I bid you!" As the
+Earl did nothing but laugh at his freedom, the lady was so vexed that
+she burst into tears, and retired. His first compliment when he saw her
+a little time afterwards was, "Pray, madam, are you as proud and
+ill-natured now as when I saw you last?" To which she replied with the
+greatest good humor, "No, Mr. Dean; I will sing for you now, if you
+please." From this time he conceived the greatest esteem for her, and
+always behaved with the utmost respect. Those who knew Swift, took no
+offence at his bluntness of behavior. It seems Queen Caroline did not,
+if we may credit his words in the verses on his own death.
+
+
+SWIFT'S POLITICAL PRINCIPLES.
+
+In a letter to Pope, alluding to the days when he took part in politics,
+he thus expresses himself:--
+
+"I had likewise in those days a mortal antipathy to standing armies in
+times of peace. Because I always took standing armies to be only
+servants, hired by the master of the family to keep his own children in
+slavery; and because I conceived that a prince who could not think
+himself secure without mercenary troops, must needs have a separate
+interest from that of his subjects.
+
+"As to Parliaments, I adored the wisdom of that Gothic institution which
+made them annual, and I was confident that our liberty could never be
+placed upon a firm foundation until that ancient law were restored among
+us. For who sees not, that while such assemblies are permitted to have a
+longer duration, there grows up a commerce of corruption between the
+ministry and the deputies, wherein they both find account, to the
+manifest danger of liberty; which traffic would neither answer the
+design nor expense, if parliaments met once a year.
+
+"I ever abominated that scheme of politics (now about thirty years old)
+of setting up a moneyed interest in opposition to that of the landed:
+for I conceived there could not be a truer maxim in government than
+this, that the possessors of the soil are the best judges of what is for
+the advantage of the kingdom. If others had thought the same way, funds
+of credit and South Sea projects would neither have been felt nor heard
+of.
+
+"I could never see the necessity _of suspending any law_ upon which the
+liberty of the most innocent persons depend: neither do I think this
+practice has made the taste of arbitrary power so agreeable as that we
+should desire to see it repeated. Every rebellion subdued, and plot
+discovered, contributes to the firmer establishment of the Prince: in
+the latter case, the knot of conspirators is entirely broken, and they
+are to begin their work anew under a thousand disadvantages; so that
+those diligent inquiries into remote and problematical guilt, with a new
+power of enforcing them by chains and dungeons to every person whose
+face a minister thinks fit to dislike, are not only opposite to that
+maxim which declares it better that ten guilty men should escape than
+one innocent suffer, but likewise leave a gate wide open to the whole
+tribe of informers, the most accursed, and prostitute, and abandoned
+race that God ever permitted to plague mankind."
+
+
+SWIFT'S CHARITY.
+
+One cold morning a poor ancient woman sat at the deanery steps a
+considerable time, during which the dean saw her through a window, and,
+no doubt, commiserated her desolate condition. His footman happened to
+go to the door, and the poor creature besought him to give a paper to
+his reverence. The servant read it, and told her his master had
+something else to do than to mind her petition. "What is that you say,
+fellow?" said the dean, putting his head out of the window; "come up
+here directly." The man obeyed him, and was ordered to tell the woman to
+come up to him. After bidding her to be seated, he directed some bread
+and wine to be given to her; after which, turning round to the man, he
+said, "At what time did I order you to open and read a paper directed to
+me? or to refuse a letter from any one? Hark you, sirrah, you have been
+admonished by me for drunkenness, idleness, and other faults; but since
+I have discovered your inhuman disposition, I must dismiss you from my
+service: so pull off your clothes, take your wages, and let me hear no
+more of you."
+
+
+PUBLIC ABSURDITIES IN IRELAND.
+
+Among the public absurdities in Ireland, Swift notices the insurance
+office against fire; the profits of which to the amount of several
+thousand pounds, were annually remitted to England. "For," observes he,
+"as if we could well spare the money, the society-marks upon our houses
+spread faster and further than the colony of frogs; and we are not only
+indebted to England for the materials to light our own fires, but for
+engines to put them out."
+
+
+SWIFT'S PECULIARITY OF HUMOR.
+
+Trifles become of some consequence when connected with a great name, or
+when they throw any light on a distinguished character. Spence thus
+relates a story told by Pope: "Dr. Swift had an odd blunt way that is
+mistaken by strangers for ill nature. It is so odd that there is no
+describing it but by facts. I'll tell you one that first comes into my
+head. One evening Gay and I went to see him: you know how intimately we
+were all acquainted. On our coming in, "Hey-day, gentlemen (says the
+Doctor), what's the meaning of this visit? How came you to leave all the
+Lords that you are so fond of, to come here to see a poor Dean?"
+"Because we would rather see you than any of them." "Ay, any one that
+did not know you so well as I do, might believe you. But since you are
+come, I must get some supper for you, I suppose." "No, Doctor, we have
+supped already." "Supped already, that's impossible! why it is not eight
+o'clock yet. That's very strange! But, if you had not supped, I must
+have got something for you. Let me see what should I have had? A couple
+of lobsters; ay, that would have done very well; two shillings: tarts, a
+shilling. But you will drink a glass of wine with me, though you supped
+so much before your usual time only to spare my pocket." "No, we had
+rather talk with you than drink with you." "But if you had supped with
+me, as in all reason you ought to have done, you must then have drank
+with me. A bottle of wine, two shillings--two and two is four, and one
+is five; just two and sixpence a piece. There, Pope, there's
+half-a-crown for you; and there's another for you, Sir; for I won't save
+any thing by you, I am determined." This was all said and done with his
+usual seriousness on such occasions; and in spite of every thing we
+could say to the contrary, he actually obliged us to take the money."
+
+
+DR. BOLTON.
+
+Dr. Theophilus Bolton was not only a learned divine, but a very fine
+gentleman. His merit as a preacher was so eminent that it was early
+rewarded with a mitre. Swift went to congratulate him on the occasion,
+when he observed that as his lordship was a native of Ireland, and had
+now a seat in the House of Peers, he hoped he would employ his eloquence
+in the service of his distressed country. The prelate told him the
+bishopric was but a very small one, and he could not hope for a better
+if he disobliged the court. "Very well," said Swift; "then it is to be
+hoped when you have a better you will become an honest man." "Ay, that
+I will, Mr. Dean." "Till then, my lord, farewell," answered Swift. The
+prelate was soon translated to a richer see, on which occasion Swift
+called to remind him of his promise; but to no purpose: there was an
+arch-bishopric in view, and till that was obtained nothing could be
+done. Having in a few years attained this object likewise, he then
+waited on the Dean, and told him, "I am now at the top of my preferment,
+for I well know that no Irishman will ever be made primate; therefore,
+as I can rise no higher in fortune or station, I will most zealously
+promote the good of my country." From that he became a most active
+patriot.
+
+
+THE SCRIBLERUS CLUB.
+
+Before Swift retired to Ireland, Mr. Pope, Dr. Arbuthnot, Mr. Gay, Mr.
+Parnell, Mr. Jervas, and Swift formed themselves into a society called
+the Scriblerus Club. They wrote a good many things in conjunction, and,
+according to Goldsmith, Gay was usually the amanuensis. The connection
+between these wits advanced the fame and interest of them all. They
+submitted their several productions to the review of their friends, and
+readily adopted alterations dictated by taste and judgment, unmixed with
+envy, or any sinister motive.
+
+When the members of the Scriblerus Club were in town, they were
+generally together, and often made excursions into the country. They
+generally preferred walking to riding, and all agreed once to walk down
+to Lord Burlington's about twelve miles from town. It was Swift's custom
+in whatever company he might visit to travel, to endeavor to procure the
+best bed for himself. To secure that, on the present occasion, Swift,
+who was an excellent walker, proposed, as they were leaving town, that
+each should make the best of his way. Dr. Parnell, guessing the Dean's
+intentions, pretended to agree; but as his friend was out of sight, he
+took a horse, and arrived at his Lordship's by another way, before
+Swift. Having acquainted his noble host with the other's design, he
+begged of him to disappoint it. It was resolved that Swift should be
+kept out of the house. Swift had never had the small-pox, and was, as
+all his friends knew, very much afraid of catching that distemper. A
+servant was despatched to meet him as he was approaching the gate, and
+to tell him that the small-pox was raging in the house, that it would be
+unsafe for him to enter the doors, but that there was a field-bed in the
+summer house in the garden, at his service. Thither the Dean was under
+the necessity of betaking himself. He was forced to be content with a
+cold supper, whilst his friends, whom he had tried to outstrip, were
+feasting in the house. At last after they thought they had sufficiently
+punished his too eager desire for his own accommodation, they requested
+his lordship to admit him into the company. The Dean was obliged to
+promise he would not afterwards, when with his friends, attempt to
+secure the best bed to himself. Swift was often the butt of their
+waggery, which he bore with great good humor, knowing well, that though
+they laughed at his singularities, they esteemed his virtues, admired
+his wit, and venerated his wisdom.
+
+Many were the frolics of the Scriblerus Club. They often evinced the
+truth of an observation made by the poet, "_dulce est desipere in
+loco_."
+
+The time for wits to play the fool, is when they are met together, to
+relax from the severity of mental exertion. Their follies have a degree
+of extravagance much beyond the phlegmatic merriment of sober dulness,
+and can be relished by those only, who having wit themselves, can trace
+the extravagance to the real source.
+
+This society carefully abstained from their frolics before the stupid
+and ignorant, knowing that on no occasion ought a wise man to guard his
+words and actions more than when in the company of fools.
+
+How long the Scriblerus Club lasted is not exactly ascertained, or
+whether it existed during the intimacy between Swift and Addison,
+previous to the Doctor's connection with the Tory ministry.
+
+
+THE UPSTART.
+
+There was one character which, through life, always kindled Swift's
+indignation, _the haughty, presuming, tyrannizing upstart_! A person of
+this description chanced to reside in the parish of Laracor. Swift
+omitted no opportunity of humbling his pride; but, as he was as ignorant
+as insolent, he was obliged to accommodate the coarseness of the lash to
+the callosity of the back. The following lines have been found written
+by Swift upon this man:--
+
+    The rascal! that's too mild a name;
+    Does he forget from whence he came;
+    Has he forgot from whence he sprung;
+    A mushroom in a bed of dung;
+    A maggot in a cake of fat,
+    The offspring of a beggar's brat.
+    As eels delight to creep in mud,
+    To eels we may compare his blood;
+    His blood in mud delights to run;
+    Witness his lazy, lousy son!
+    Puff'd up with pride and insolence,
+    Without a grain of common sense,
+    See with what consequence he stalks,
+    With what pomposity he talks;
+    See how the gaping crowd admire
+    The stupid blockhead and the liar.
+    How long shall vice triumphant reign?
+    How long shall mortals bend to gain?
+    How long shall virtue hide her face,
+    And leave her votaries in disgrace?
+    ----Let indignation fire my strains,
+    Another villain yet remains--
+    Let purse-proud C----n next approach,
+    With what an air he mounts his coach!
+    A cart would best become the knave,
+    A dirty parasite and slave;
+    His heart in poison deeply dipt,
+    His tongue with oily accents tipt,
+    A smile still ready at command,
+    The pliant bow, the forehead bland----
+
+
+MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK.
+
+This single stick, which you now behold ingloriously lying in that
+neglected corner, I once knew in a flourishing state in a forest; it
+was full of sap, full of leaves, and full of boughs: but now in vain
+does the busy art of man pretend to vie with nature, by tying that
+withered bundle of twigs to its sapless trunk. It is now at best but the
+reverse of what it was, a tree turned upside down, the branches on the
+earth, and the root in the air. It is now handled by every dirty wench,
+condemned to do her drudgery, and by a capricious kind of fate, destined
+to make her things clean, and be nasty itself. At length, worn out to
+the stumps in the service of the maids, it is either thrown out of
+doors, or condemned to the last use, of kindling a fire. When I beheld
+this, I sighed and said within myself, _Surely, mortal man is a
+broomstick_! Nature sent him into the world strong and lusty, in a
+thriving condition, wearing his own hair on his head, the proper
+branches of this reasoning vegetable, until the axe of intemperance has
+lopped off his green boughs, and left him a withered trunk: he then
+flies to art, and puts on a periwig, valuing himself upon an unnatural
+bundle of hairs, all covered with powder, that never grew upon his head;
+but now, should this, _our broomstick_, pretend to enter the scene,
+proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered with dust,
+though the sweepings of the finest lady's chamber, we should be apt to
+ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are of our own
+excellencies, and other men's defaults!
+
+But a _broomstick_, perhaps you will say, is an emblem of a tree
+standing on its head; and pray what is man but a topsy-turvy creature,
+his animal faculties perpetually mounted on his rational, his head where
+his heels should be, groveling on the earth! and yet, with all his
+faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer and corrector of abuses, a
+remover of grievances, * * sharing deeply all the while in the very same
+pollutions he pretends to sweep away: his last days are spent in slavery
+to women, and generally the least deserving; till worn to the stumps
+like his brother besom, he is either kicked out of doors, or made use of
+to kindle flames for others to warm themselves by.
+
+
+COSSING A DOG.
+
+In a humorous paper written in 1732, entitled, "An Examination of
+certain Abuses, Corruptions, and Enormities in the city of Dublin,"
+Swift mentions this diversion, which he ludicrously enough applies to
+the violent persecutions of the political parties of the day. The
+ceremony was this: A strange dog happens to pass through a flesh market;
+whereupon an expert butcher immediately cries in a loud voice and proper
+tone, _coss, coss_, several times. The same word is repeated by the
+people. The dog, who perfectly understands the terms of art, and
+consequently the danger he is in, immediately flies. The people, and
+even his own brother animals, pursue: the pursuit and cry attend him
+perhaps half a mile; he is well worried in his flight; and sometimes
+hardly escapes. "This," adds Swift, "our ill-wishers of the Jacobite
+kind are pleased to call a persecution; and affirm, that it always falls
+upon dogs of the _Tory_ principles."
+
+
+TRADE OF IRELAND.
+
+Swift being one day at a sheriffs feast, among other toasts the chairman
+called out, "Mr. Dean, the Trade of Ireland." The Dean answered, "Sir,
+_I drink no memories_." The idea of the answer was evidently taken from
+Bishop Brown's book against "Drinking the Memories of the dead," which
+had just then appeared, and made much noise.
+
+
+A BEGGAR'S WEDDING.
+
+As Swift was fond of scenes in low life, he missed no opportunity of
+being present at them when they fell in his way. Once when he was in the
+country, he received intelligence that there was to be a beggar's
+wedding in the neighborhood. He was resolved not to miss the opportunity
+of seeing so curious a ceremony; and that he might enjoy the whole
+completely, proposed to Dr. Sheridan that he should go thither disguised
+as a blind fiddler, with a bandage over his eyes, and he would attend
+him as his man to lead him. Thus accoutred, they reached the scene of
+action, where the blind fiddler was received with joyful shouts. They
+had plenty of meat and drink, and plied the fiddler and his man with
+more than was agreeable to them. Never was a more joyful wedding seen.
+They sung, they danced, told their stories, cracked jokes, &c., in a
+vein of humor more entertaining to the two guests than they probably
+could have found in any other meeting on a like occasion. When they were
+about to depart, they pulled out the leather pouches, and rewarded the
+fiddler very handsomely.
+
+The next day the Dean and the Doctor walked out in their usual dress,
+and found their companions of the preceding evening scattered about in
+different parts of the road and the neighboring village, all begging
+their charity in doleful strains, and telling dismal stories of their
+distress. Among these they found some upon crutches, who had danced very
+nimbly at the wedding, others stone-blind, who were perfectly
+clear-sighted at the feast. The Doctor distributed among them the money
+which he had received as his pay; but the Dean, who mortally hated these
+sturdy vagrants, rated them soundly; told them in what manner he had
+been present at the wedding, and was let into their roguery; and assured
+them, if they did not immediately apply to honest labor, he would have
+them taken up and sent to gaol. Whereupon the lame once more recovered
+their legs, and the blind their eyes, so as to make a very precipitate
+retreat.
+
+
+THE PIES.
+
+Swift, in passing through the county of Cavan, called at a homely but
+hospitable house, where he knew he should be well received. The Lady
+Bountiful of the mansion, rejoiced to have so distinguished a guest,
+runs up to him, and with great eagerness and flippancy asks him what he
+will have for dinner. "Will you have an apple-pie, sir? Will you have a
+gooseberry-pie, sir? Will you have a cherry-pie, sir? Will you have a
+currant-pie, sir? Will you have a plum-pie, sir? Will you have a
+pigeon-pie, sir?" "Any pie, madam, but a _magpie_."
+
+
+SHORT CHARITY SERMON.
+
+The Dean once preached a charity sermon in St. Patrick's Cathedral,
+Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which,
+coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach
+another sermon of the like kind in the same place, he took special care
+to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, "He that hath pity
+upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given will
+he pay him again." The Dean, after repeating his text in a more than
+commonly emphatical tone, added, "Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the
+terms of this loan; if you like the security, down with your dust." The
+quaintness and brevity of the sermon produced a very large contribution.
+
+
+A COURTIER'S RETORT.
+
+While the prosecution for the Draper's fourth letter was depending,
+Swift one day waited at the Castle for an audience of Lord Carteret, the
+Lord Lieutenant, till his patience was exhausted; upon which he wrote
+the following couplet on a window, and went away:--
+
+    "My very good Lord, 'tis a very hard task,
+    For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask."
+
+The Earl, upon this being shown to him, immediately wrote the following
+answer underneath:--
+
+    "My very good Dean, there are few who come here,
+    But have something to ask, or something to fear."
+
+
+LYING.
+
+Swift could not bear to have any lies told him, which his natural
+shrewdness and knowledge of the world generally enabled him to detect;
+and when the party attempted to palliate them, his usual reply
+was--"Come, come, don't attempt to darn your cobwebs."
+
+
+DR. SACHEVERELL.
+
+Some time after the expiration of Dr. Sacheverell's punishment, having
+been silenced three years from preaching, and his sermon ordered to be
+burned, the ministry treated him with great indifference, and he applied
+in vain for the vacant rectory of St. Andrew's, Holborn. Having,
+however, a slender acquaintance with Swift, he wrote to him for his
+interest with government in his behalf, stating how much he had suffered
+in the cause of the ministry. Swift immediately carried his letter to
+Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of State, who railed much at
+Sacheverell, calling him a busy intermeddling fellow; a prig and an
+incendiary, who had set the kingdom in a flame which could not be
+extinguished, and therefore deserved censure instead of reward. Although
+Swift had not a much better opinion of the Doctor than Lord Bolingbroke,
+he replied, "True, my Lord; but let me tell you a story. In a sea fight
+in the reign of Charles the Second, there was a very bloody engagement
+between the English and Dutch fleets, in the heat of which a Scotch
+sea-man was very severely bit by a louse on his neck, which he caught;
+and stooping down to crack it between his nails, many of the sailors
+near him had their heads taken off by a chain-shot from the enemy, which
+dashed their blood and brains about him; on which he had compassion upon
+the poor louse, returned him to his place and bid him live there at
+discretion, for as he had saved his life, he was bound in gratitude to
+save his." This recital threw my Lord Bolingbroke into a violent fit of
+laughing, who, when it was over, said, "The louse shall have the living
+for your story." And soon after Sacheverell was presented to it.
+
+
+TAXING THE AIR.
+
+Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant, said to Swift, "The air of
+Ireland is very excellent and healthy." "For God's sake, madam," said
+Swift, "don't say so in England; for if you do, they will certainly tax
+it."
+
+
+WISDOM.
+
+Wisdom (said the Dean) is a _fox_, who, after long hunting, will at last
+cost you the pains to dig out: it is a _cheese_, which, by how much the
+richer, has the thicker, the homelier, and the coarser coat, and whereof
+to a judicious palate the maggots are the best; it is a _sack-posset_,
+wherein the deeper you go you will find it the sweeter. Wisdom is a
+_hen_, whose cackling we must value and consider, because it is
+attended with an egg; but then, lastly, it is a _nut_, which, unless you
+choose with judgment, may cost you a tooth, and pay you with nothing but
+a worm.
+
+
+EPITAPH ON JUDGE BOAT.
+
+    Here lies Judge _Boat_ within a coffin,
+    Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffin';
+    A _Boat_ a judge! yes, where's the blunder
+    A _wooden_ Judge is no such wonder!
+    And in his robes you must agree,
+    No _Boat_ was better _dekt_ than he.
+    'Tis needless to describe him fuller,
+    In short he was an able _sculler_.
+
+
+ON STEPHEN DUCK, THE THRESHER AND FAVORITE POET.
+
+    The thresher Duck could o'er the Queen prevail,
+    The proverb says, "_no fence against a flail_."
+    From _threshing_ corn he turns to _thresh his brains_,
+    For which her Majesty allows him gains.
+    Though 'tis confest, that those who ever saw
+    His poems, think them all not worth a straw!
+    Thrice happy Duck, employed in threshing _stubble_,
+    Thy toil is lessen'd and thy profits double.
+
+
+DIALOGUE BETWEEN SWIFT AND HIS LANDLORD.
+
+The three towns of Navan, Kells, and Trim, which lay in Swift's route on
+his first journey to Laracor, seem to have deeply arrested his
+attention, for he has been frequently heard to speak of the beautiful
+situation of the first, the antiquity of the second, and the time-shaken
+towers of the third. There were three inns in Navan, each of which
+claims to this day the honor of having entertained Dr. Swift. It is
+probable that he dined at one of them, for it is certain that he slept
+at Kells, in the house of Jonathan Belcher, a Leicestershire man, who
+had built the inn in that town on the English model, which still exists,
+and, in point of capaciousness and convenience, would not disgrace the
+first road in England. The host, whether struck by the commanding
+sternness of Swift's appearance, or from natural civility, showed him
+into the best room, and waited himself at table. The attention of
+Belcher seems to have won so far upon Swift as to have produced some
+conversation. "You're an Englishman, Sir?" said Swift. "Yes, Sir." "What
+is your name?" "Jonathan Belcher, Sir." "An Englishman and Jonathan too,
+in the town of Kells--who would have thought it! What brought you to
+this country?" "I came with Sir Thomas Taylor, Sir; and I believe I
+could reckon fifty Jonathans in my family, Sir." "Then you are a man of
+family?" "Yes, Sir; I have four sons and three daughters by one mother,
+a good woman of true Irish mould." "Have you been long out of your
+native country?" "Thirty years, Sir." "Do you ever expect to visit it
+again?" "Never." "Can you say that without a sigh?" "I can, Sir; my
+family is my country!" "Why, Sir, you are a better philosopher than
+those who have written volumes on the subject. Then you are reconciled
+to your fate?" "I ought to be so; I am very happy; I like the people,
+and, though I was not born in Ireland, I'll die in it and that's the
+same thing." Swift paused in deep thought for near a minute, and then
+with much energy repeated the first line of the preamble of the noted
+Irish statute--_Ipsis Hibernis Hiberniores!_--"(_The English) are more
+Irish than the Irish themselves_."
+
+
+ROGER COX.
+
+What perhaps contributed more than any thing to Swift's enjoyment, was
+the constant fund of amusement he found in the facetious humor and
+oddity of the parish clerk, Roger Cox. Roger was originally a hatter in
+the town of Cavan, trot, being of a lively jovial temper, and fonder of
+setting the fire-side of a village alehouse in a roar, over a tankard of
+ale or a bowl of whiskey, with his flashes of merriment and jibes of
+humor, than pursuing the dull routine of business to which fate had
+fixed him, wisely forsook it for the honorable function of a parish
+clerk, which he considered as an office appertaining in some wise to
+ecclesiastical dignity; since by wearing a band, no small part of the
+ornament of the Protestant clergy, he thought he might not unworthily be
+deemed, as it were, "_a shred of the linen vestment of Aaron_." Nor was
+Roger one of those worthy parish clerks who could be accused of merely
+humming the psalms through the nostrils as a sack-butt, but much oftener
+instructed and amused his fellow-parishioners with the amorous ditties
+of the _Waiting Maid's Lamentation_, or one of those national songs
+which awake the remembrance of glorious deeds, and make each man burn
+with the enthusiasm of the conquering hero. With this jocund companion
+Swift relieved the tediousness of his lonesome retirement; nor did the
+easy freedom which he indulged with Roger ever lead his humble friend
+beyond the bounds of decorum and respect.
+
+Roger's dress was not the least extraordinary feature of his appearance.
+He constantly wore a full-trimmed scarlet waistcoat of most uncommon
+dimensions, a light grey coat, which altogether gave him an air of
+singularity and whim as remarkable as his character.
+
+To repeat all the anecdotes and witticisms which are recorded of the
+prolific genius of Roger in the simple annals of Laracor, would fill a
+little volume. He died at the good old age of ninety.
+
+Soon after Swift's arrival at Laracor, he gave public notice that he
+would read prayers every Wednesday and Friday. On the first of those
+days after he had summoned his congregation, he ascended the desk, and
+after sitting some time with no other auditor than his clerk Roger, he
+rose up and with a composure and gravity that, upon this occasion, were
+irresistibly ridiculous, began--"Dearly beloved Roger, the Scripture
+moveth you and me in sundry places," and so proceeded to the end of the
+service. The story is not quite complete. But the fact is, that when he
+went into the church he found Roger _alone_, and exclaimed with evident
+surprise, "_What, Roger! none here but you_?" "_Yes, sir_," replied
+Roger drily (turning over the book to find the lessons, for the day),
+"_sure you are here too_."
+
+
+ROGER AND THE POULTRY.
+
+There happened, while Swift was at Laracor, the sale of a farm and
+stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the
+auction just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger bid for them,
+and was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. "What, Roger, won't
+you buy the poultry?" exclaimed Swift. "No, sir," said Roger, "I see
+they are _just a'going to Hatch_."
+
+
+KELLY THE BLACKSMITH.
+
+Although Roger took the lead, he did not monopolize all the wit, of the
+parish. It happened that Swift, having been dining at some little
+distance from Laracor, was returning home on horseback in the evening,
+which was pretty dark. Just before he reached Kellistown, a neighboring
+village, his horse lost a shoe. Unwilling to run the risk of laming the
+animal by continuing his ride in that condition, he stopped at one
+Kelly's, the blacksmith of the village, where, having called the man, he
+asked him if he could shoe a horse with a _candle_. "No," replied the
+smutty son of Vulcan, "but I can with a _hammer_." Swift, struck with
+the reply, determined to have a little more conversation with him.
+Accordingly, he alighted and went into the cabin, which was literally
+rotten, but supported, wherever it had given way at different times,
+with pieces of timber. Swift, as was usual with him, began to rate poor
+Kelly soundly for his indolence in not getting his house put into better
+repair, in which the wife joined. "Hold, Doctor, for one moment!"
+exclaimed Kelly, "and tell me, whether you ever saw a _rotten_ house
+_better_ supported in all your life."
+
+
+BIRTH-DAY PRESENTS.
+
+It was for many years a regular custom with Swift's most intimate
+friends to make him some presents on his birth day. On that occasion,
+30th November, 1732, Lord Orrery presented him with a paper book, finely
+bound, and Dr Delany with a silver standish, accompanied with the
+following verses;--
+
+    TO DR. SWIFT, WITH A PAPER BOOK, BY JOHN,
+    EARL OF ORRERY
+
+    To thee, Dear Swift, those spotless leaves I send;
+    Small is the present, but sincere the friend.
+    Think not so poor a book below thy care;
+    Who knows the price that thou canst make it bear?
+    Tho' tawdry now, and like Tyralla's face,
+    The spacious front shines out with borrow'd grace;
+    Tho' pasteboards, glitt'ring like a tinsell'd coat,
+    A _rasa tabula_ within denote;
+    Yet if a venal and corrupted age,
+    And modern vices should provoke thy rage;
+    If, warn'd once more by their impending fate,
+    A sinking country and an injured state
+    Thy great assistance should again demand,
+    And call forth Reason to defend the land;
+    Then shall we view these sheets with glad surprise
+    Inspired with thought, and speaking to our eyes:
+    Each vacant space shall then, enrich'd, dispense
+    True force of eloquence and nervous sense;
+    Inform the judgment, animate the heart,
+    And sacred rules of policy impart.
+    The spangled cov'ring, bright with splendid ore,
+    Shall cheat the sight with empty show no more;
+    But lead us inward to those golden mines,
+    Where all thy soul in native lustre shines.
+    So when the eye surveys some lovely fair,
+    With bloom of beauty, graced with shape and air,
+    How is the rapture heightened when we find
+    The form excelled by her celestial mind!
+
+
+VERSES LEFT WITH A SILVER STANDISH ON THE
+DEAN'S DESK, BY DR. DELANY.
+
+    Hither from Mexico I came,
+    To serve a proud Iernian dame;
+    Was long submitted to her will,
+    At length she lost me at Quadrille.
+    Through various shapes I often passed,
+    Still hoping to have rest at last;
+    And still ambitious to obtain
+    Admittance to the patriot Dean;
+    And sometimes got within his door,
+    But soon turn'd out to serve the poor;
+    Not strolling idleness to aid,
+    But honest industry decay'd.
+    At length an artist purchased me,
+    And wrought me to the shape you see.
+      This done, to Hermes I applied:
+    "O Hermes! gratify my pride!
+    Be it my fate to serve a sage,
+    The greatest genius of his age;
+    That matchless pen let me supply,
+    Whose living lines will never die!"
+      "I grant your suit," the god replied,
+    And here he left me to reside.
+
+
+VERSES BY SWIFT, ON THE OCCASION.
+
+    A paper Book is sent by _Boyle,_
+    Too neatly gilt for me to soil:
+    Delany sends a Silver Standish,
+    When I no more a pen can brandish.
+    Let both around my tomb be placed,
+    As trophies of a muse deceas'd:
+    And let the friendly lines they writ,
+    In praise of long departed wit,
+    Be graved on either side in columns,
+    More to my praise than all my volumes;
+    To burst with envy, spite, and rage,
+    The Vandals of the present age.
+
+
+THE DEAN'S CONTRIBUTORY DINNER.
+
+Dean Swift once invited to dinner several of the first noblemen and
+gentlemen in Dublin. A servant announced the dinner, and the Dean led
+the way to the dining-room. To each chair was a servant, a bottle of
+wine, a roll, and an inverted plate. On taking his seat, the Dean
+desired the guests to arrange themselves according to their own ideas of
+precedence, and fall to. The company were astonished to find the table
+without a dish or any provisions. The Lord Chancellor, who was present,
+said, "Mr. Dean, we do not see the joke." "Then I will show it you,"
+answered the Dean, turning up his plate, under which was half-a-crown
+and a bill of fare from a neighboring tavern. "Here, sir," said he, to
+his servant, "bring me a plate of goose." The company caught the idea,
+and each man sent his plate and half-a-crown. Covers, with everything
+that the appetites of the moment dictated, soon appeared. The novelty,
+the peculiarity of the manner, and the unexpected circumstances,
+altogether excited the plaudits of the noble guests, who declared
+themselves particularly gratified by the Dean's entertainment. "Well,"
+said the Dean, "gentlemen, if you have dined, I will order _dessert_." A
+large roll of paper, presenting the particulars of a splendid dinner,
+was produced, with an estimate of expense. The Dean requested the
+accountant-general to deduct the half-crowns from the amount, observing,
+"that as his noble guests were pleased to express their satisfaction
+with the dinner, he begged their advice and assistance in disposing of
+the _fragments_ and _crumbs_," as he termed the balance mentioned by the
+accountant-general--which was two hundred and fifty pounds. The company
+said, that no person was capable of instructing the Dean in things of
+that nature. After the circulation of the finest wines, the most
+judicious remarks on charity and its abuse were introduced, and it was
+agreed that the proper objects of liberal relief were well-educated
+families, who from affluence, or the expectation of it, were reduced
+through misfortune to silent despair. The Dean then divided the sum by
+the number of his guests, and addressed them according to their
+respective private characters, with which no one was, perhaps, better
+acquainted. "You, my Lords," said the Dean to several young noblemen, "I
+wish to introduce to some new acquaintance, who will at least make their
+acknowledgment for your favors with sincerity. You, my reverend Lords,"
+addressing the bishops present, "adhere so closely to the spirit of the
+Scriptures, that your left hands are literally ignorant of the
+beneficence of your right. You, my Lord of Kildare, and the two noble
+lords near you, I will not entrust with any part of this money, as you
+have been long in the _usurious_ habits of lending your own on such
+occasions; but your assistance, my Lord of Kerry, I must entreat, as
+charity covereth a multitude of sins."
+
+
+SWIFT AND BETTESWORTH.
+
+Dean Swift having taken a strong dislike to Sergeant Bettesworth,
+revenged himself by the following lines in one of his poems:
+
+    So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,
+    Tho' half-a-crown outpays his sweat's worth,
+    Who knows in law nor text nor margent,
+    Calls Singleton his brother sergeant.
+
+The poem was sent to Bettesworth, when he was in company with some of
+his friends. He read it aloud, till he had finished the lines relating
+to himself. He then flung it down with great violence, trembled and
+turned pale. After some pause, his rage for a while depriving him of
+utterance, he took out his penknife, and swore he would cut off the
+Dean's ears with it. Soon after he went to seek the Dean at his house;
+and not finding him at home, followed him to a friend's, where he had an
+interview with him. Upon entering the room, Swift desired to know his
+commands. "Sir," says he, "I am Sergeant Bet-tes-worth;" in his usual
+pompous way of pronouncing his name in three distinct syllables. "Of
+what regiment, pray?" says Swift. "O, Mr. Dean, we know your powers of
+raillery; you know me well enough, that I am one of his majesty's
+sergeants-at-law." "What then, sir?" "Why then, sir, I am come to demand
+of you, whether you are the author of this poem (producing it), and the
+villanous lines on me?" at the same time reading them aloud with great
+vehemence of emphasis, and much gesticulation. "Sir," said Swift, "it
+was a piece of advice given me in my early days by Lord Somers, never to
+own or disown any writing laid to my charge; because, if I did this in
+some cases, whatever I did not disown afterwards would infallibly be
+imputed to me as mine. Now, sir, I take this to have been a very wise
+maxim, and as such have followed it ever since; and I believe it will
+hardly be in the power of all your rhetoric, as great a master as you
+are of it, to make me swerve from that rule." Bettesworth replied,
+"Well, since you will give me no satisfaction in this affair, let me
+tell you, that your gown is alone your protection," and then left the
+room.
+
+The sergeant continuing to utter violent threats against the Dean, there
+was an association formed and signed by all the principal inhabitants of
+the neighborhood, to stand by and support their generous benefactor
+against any one who should attempt to offer the least injury to his
+person or fortune. Besides, the public indignation became so strong
+against the sergeant, that although he had made a considerable figure at
+the bar, he now lost his business, and was seldom employed in any suit
+afterwards.
+
+
+SWIFT AMONG THE LAWYERS.
+
+Dean Swift having preached an assize sermon in Ireland, was invited to
+dine with the Judges; and having in his sermon considered the use and
+abuse of the law, he then pressed a little hard upon those counsellors,
+who plead causes which they knew in their consciences to be wrong. When
+dinner was over, and the glass began to go round, a young barrister
+retorted upon the dean; and after several altercations, the counsellor
+asked him, "If the devil was to die, whether a _parson_ might not be
+found, who, for money, would preach his funeral?" "Yes," said Swift, "I
+would gladly be the man, and I would then give the _devil_ his due, as I
+have this day done his _children_."
+
+
+PREACHING PATRIOTISM.
+
+Dean Swift is said to have jocularly remarked, that he never preached
+but twice in his life, and then they were not sermons, but pamphlets.
+Being asked, upon what subject? he replied, they were against Wood's
+halfpence. One of these sermons has been preserved, and is from this
+text, "As we have the opportunity, let us do good to all men." Its
+object was to show the great want of public spirit in Ireland, and to
+enforce the necessity of practising that virtue. "I confess," said he,
+"it was chiefly the consideration of the great danger we are in, which
+engaged me to discourse to you on this subject, to exhort you to a love
+of your country, and a public spirit, when all you have is at stake; to
+prefer the interest of your prince and your fellow subjects before that
+of one destructive impostor, and a few of his adherents."
+
+"Perhaps it may be thought by some, that this way of discoursing is not
+so proper from the pulpit; but surely when an open attempt is made, and
+far carried on, to make a great kingdom one large poor-house; to deprive
+us of all means to excite hospitality or charity; to turn our cities and
+churches into ruins; to make this country a desert for wild beasts and
+robbers; to destroy all arts and sciences, all trades and manufactures,
+and the very tillage of the ground, only to enrich one obscure
+ill-designing projector, and his followers; it is time for the pastor
+to cry out that the wolf is getting into his flock, to warn them to
+stand together, and all to consult the common safety. And God be praised
+for his infinite goodness, in raising such a spirit of union among us at
+least in this point, in the midst of all our former divisions; which
+union, if it continues, will in all probability defeat the pernicious
+design of this pestilent enemy to the nation."
+
+It will scarcely be credited, that this dreadful description, when
+stripped of its exaggerations, meant no more than that Ireland might
+lose about six thousand a year during Wood's patent for coining
+halfpence!
+
+
+SWIFT AND HIS BUTLER
+
+During the publication of the Drapers Letters, Swift was particularly
+careful to conceal himself from being known as the author. The only
+persons in the secret, were Robert Blakely, his butler, whom he employed
+as an amanuensis, and Dr. Sheridan. It happened, that on the very
+evening before the proclamation, offering a reward of �300 for
+discovering the author of these letters, was issued, Robert Blakely
+stopped out later than usual without his master's leave. The dean
+ordered the door to be locked at the accustomed hour, and shut him out.
+The next morning the poor fellow appeared before his master with marks
+of great contrition. Swift would hear no excuses, but abusing him
+severely, bade him strip off his livery, and quit the house instantly.
+"What!" said he, "is it because I am in your power that you dare to take
+these liberties with me? get out of my house, and receive the reward of
+your treachery."
+
+Mrs. Johnson (Stella), who was at the deanery, did not interfere, but
+immediately dispatched a messenger to Dr. Sheridan, who on his arrival
+found Robert walking up and down the hall in great agitation. The doctor
+bade him not be uneasy, as he would try to pacify the dean, so that he
+should continue in his place. "That is not what vexes me," replied
+Robert, "though to be sure I should be sorry to lose so good a master;
+but what grieves me to the soul, is, that my master should have so bad
+an opinion of me, as to suppose me capable of betraying him for any
+reward whatever." When this was related to the dean, he was so struck
+with the honor and generosity of sentiment, which it exhibited in one
+so humble in life, that he immediately restored him to his situation,
+and was not long in rewarding his fidelity.
+
+The place of verger to the cathedral becoming vacant, Swift called
+Robert to him, and asked him if he had any clothes of his own that were
+not a livery? Robert replying in the affirmative, he desired him to take
+off his livery, and put them on. The poor fellow, quite astonished,
+begged to know what crime he had committed, that he was to be
+discharged. The dean bade him do as he was ordered; and when he returned
+in his new dress, the dean called all the other servants into the room,
+and told them that they were no longer to consider him as their
+fellow-servant Robert, but as Mr. Blakely, verger of St. Patrick's
+Cathedral; an office which he had bestowed on him for his faithful
+services, and as a proof of that sure reward, which honesty and fidelity
+would always obtain.
+
+
+HIS SATURNALIA.
+
+Dean Swift, among other eccentricities, determined upon having a feast
+once a year, in imitation of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. In this
+project he engaged several persons of rank, and his plan was put in
+execution at the deanery house. When all the servants were seated, and
+every gentleman placed behind his own servant, the Dean's footman, who
+presided, found fault with some meat that was not done to his taste; and
+imitating his master on such occasions, threw it at him. But the Dean
+was either so mortified by the reproof, or so provoked at the insult,
+that he flew into a violent passion, beat the fellow, and dispersed the
+whole assembly.--Thus abruptly terminated the Dean's Saturnalia.
+
+
+THE DEAN AND FAULKNER.
+
+George Faulkner, the Dublin printer, once called on Dean Swift on his
+return from London, dressed in a rich coat of silk brocade and gold
+lace, and seeming not a little proud of the adorning of his person: the
+Dean determined to humble him. When he entered the room, and saluted the
+Dean with all the respectful familiarity of an old acquaintance, the
+Dean affected not to know him; in vain did he declare himself as George
+Faulkner, the Dublin printer; the Dean declared him an impostor, and at
+last abruptly bade him begone. Faulkner, perceiving the error he had
+committed, instantly returned home, and resuming his usual dress, again
+went to the Dean, when he was very cordially received. "Ah, George,"
+said he, "I am so glad to see you, for here has been an impudent
+coxcomb, bedizened in silks and gold lace, who wanted to pass himself
+off for you; but I soon sent the fellow about his business; for I knew
+you to be _always_ a plain dressed and honest man, just as you now
+appear before me."
+
+
+SWIFT, ARBUTHNOT, AND PARNELL.
+
+Swift, Arbuthnot, and Parnell, taking the advantage of a fine frosty
+morning, set out together upon a walk to a little place which Lord
+Bathurst had, about eleven miles from London. Swift, remarkable for
+being an old traveller, and for getting possession of the best rooms and
+warmest beds, pretended, when they were about half way, that he did not
+like the slowness of their pace; adding, that he would walk on before
+them, and acquaint his lordship with their journey. To this proposal
+they readily agreed; but as soon as he was out of sight, sent off a
+horseman by a private way (suspecting their friend's errand), to inform
+his lordship of their apprehensions. The man arrived in time enough to
+deliver his message before Swift made his appearance. His lordship then
+recollecting that the dean never had the small-pox, thought of the
+following stratagem. Seeing him coming up the avenue, he ran out to meet
+him, and expressed his happiness at the sight of him. "But I am
+mortified at one circumstance," continued his lordship, "as it must
+deprive me of the pleasure of your company; there is a raging small-pox
+in the house: I beg, however, that you will accept of such accommodation
+as a small house at the bottom of the avenue can afford you." Swift was
+forced to comply with this request: and in this solitary situation,
+fearful of speaking to any person around him, he was served with dinner.
+In the evening, the wits thought proper to release him, by going down to
+him in a body, to inform him of the deception, and to tell him that the
+first best room and bed in the house were at his service. Swift, though
+he might be inwardly chagrined, deemed it prudent to join in the laugh
+against himself; they adjourned to the mansion-house, and spent the
+evening in a manner easily to be conceived by those who are in the
+least acquainted with the brilliancy of their powers.
+
+
+DEAN SWIFT AND THE PREACHER WHO STOLE HIS SERMON.
+
+The eccentric Dean Swift, in the course of one of those journies to
+Holyhead, which, it is well known, he several times performed _on foot_,
+was travelling through Church Stretton, Shropshire, when he put up at
+the sign of the Crown, and finding the host to be a communicative
+good-humored man, inquired if there was any agreeable person in town,
+with whom he might partake of a dinner (as he had desired him to provide
+one), and that such a person should have nothing to pay. The landlord
+immediately replied, that the curate, Mr. Jones, was a very agreeable,
+companionable man, and would not, he supposed, have any objection to
+spend a few hours with a gentleman of his appearance. The Dean directed
+him to wait on Mr. Jones, with his compliments, and say that a traveller
+would be glad to be favored with his company at the Crown, if it was
+agreeable. When Mr. Jones and the Dean had dined, and the glass began
+to circulate, the former made an apology for an occasional absence,
+saying that at three o'clock he was to read prayers and preach at the
+church. Upon this intimation, the Dean replied, that he also should
+attend prayers. Service being ended, and the two gentlemen having
+resumed their station at the Crown, the Dean began to compliment Mr.
+Jones on his delivery of a very appropriate sermon; and remarked, that
+it must have cost him (Mr. Jones) some time and attention to compose
+such a one.
+
+Mr. Jones observed, that his duty was rather _laborious_, as he served
+another parish church at a distance; which, with the Sunday and weekly
+service at Church Stretton, straitened him much with respect to the time
+necessary for the composition of sermons; so that when the subjects
+pressed, he could only devote a few days and nights to that purpose.
+
+"Well," says the Dean, "it is well for you to have such a talent; for my
+part, the very sermon you preached this afternoon, cost me some _months_
+in the composing." On this observation, Mr. Jones began to look very
+gloomy, and to recognize his companion. "However," rejoined the Dean,
+"don't you be alarmed; you have so good a talent at delivery, that I
+hereby declare, you have done more honor to my sermon this day, than I
+_could_ do myself; and by way of compromising the matter, you must
+accept of this half-guinea for the justice you have done in the delivery
+of it."
+
+
+SWIFT'S QUEER TESTIMONIAL TO HIS SERVANT.
+
+Dean Swift, standing one morning at the window of his study, observed a
+decent old woman offer a paper to one of his servants, which the fellow
+at first refused in an insolent and surly manner. The woman however
+pressed her suit with all the energy of distress, and in the end
+prevailed. The dean, whose very soul was compassion, saw, felt, and was
+determined to alleviate her misery. He waited most anxiously for the
+servant to bring the paper; but to his surprise and indignation, an hour
+elapsed, and the man did not present it. The dean again looked out. The
+day was cold and wet, and the wretched petitioner still retained her
+situation, with many an eloquent and anxious look at the house. The
+benevolent divine lost all patience, and was going to ring the bell,
+when he observed the servant cross the street, and return the paper with
+the utmost _sang froid_ and indifference. The dean could bear no longer;
+he threw up the sash, and loudly demanded what the paper contained. "It
+is a petition, please your reverence," replied the woman. "Bring it up,
+rascal!" cried the enraged dean. The servant, surprised and petrified,
+obeyed. With Swift, to know distress was to pity it; to pity to relieve.
+The poor woman was instantly made happy, and the servant almost as
+instantly turned out of doors, with the following written testimonial of
+his conduct. "The bearer lived two years in my service, in which time he
+was frequently drunk and negligent of his duty; which, conceiving him to
+be honest, I excused; but at last detecting him in a flagrant instance
+of cruelty, I discharge him." Such were the consequences of this paper,
+that for seven years the fellow was an itinerant beggar; after which the
+dean forgave him; and in consequence of another paper equally singular,
+he was hired by Mr. Pope, with whom he lived till death removed him.
+
+
+SWIFT AT THOMASTOWN.
+
+Dean Swift had heard much of the hospitable festivities of Thomastown,
+the seat of Mr. Matthew (See Anecdotes of Conviviality), from his friend
+Dr. Sheridan, who had been often, a welcome guest, both on account of
+his convivial qualities, and as being the preceptor of the nephew of Mr.
+Matthew. He, at length, became desirous of ascertaining with his own
+eyes, the truth of a report, which he could not forbear considering as
+greatly exaggerated. On receiving an intimation of this from Sheridan,
+Mr. Matthew wrote a polite letter to the Dean, requesting the honor of a
+visit, in company with the doctor, at his next school vacation. They
+accordingly set out on horseback, attended by a gentleman who was a near
+relation to Mr. Matthew.
+
+They had scarcely reached the inn where they intended to pass the first
+night, and which, like most of the Irish inns at that time, afforded but
+miserable entertainment, when they were surprised by the arrival of a
+coach and six horses, sent to convey them the remainder of the journey
+to Thomastown; and at the same time, bringing a supply of the choicest
+viands, wines, and other liquors, for their refreshment. Swift was
+highly pleased with this uncommon mark of attention paid him; and the
+coach proved particularly acceptable, as he had been a good deal
+fatigued with his day's journey.
+
+When they came in sight of the house, the Dean, astonished at its
+magnitude, cried out, "What, in the name of God, can be the use of such
+a vast building?" "Why, Mr. Dean," replied the fellow traveller before
+mentioned, "there are no less than forty apartments for guests in that
+house, and all of them probably occupied at this time, except what are
+reserved for us." Swift, in his usual manner, called out to the
+coachman, to stop, and drive him back to Dublin, for he could not think
+of mixing with such a crowd. "Well," said he, immediately afterwards,
+"there is no remedy, I must submit, but I have lost a fortnight of my
+life."
+
+Mr. Mathew received him at the door with uncommon marks of respect; and
+then conducting him to his apartments, after some compliments, made his
+usual speech, acquainting him with the customs of the house, and
+retired, leaving him in possession of his castle. Soon after, the cook
+appeared with his bill of fare, to receive his directions about supper;
+and the butler at the same time, with a list of wines, and other
+liquors. "And is all this really so?" said Swift, "and may I command
+here, as in my own house?" His companion assured him he might, and that
+nothing could be more agreeable to the owner of the mansion, than that
+all under his roof should live comformably to their own inclinations,
+without the least restraint. "Well then," said Swift, "I invite you and
+Dr. Sheridan to be my guests, while I stay; for I think I shall scarcely
+be tempted to mix with the mob below."
+
+Three days were passed in riding over the demesne, and viewing the
+various improvements, without ever seeing Mr. Mathew, or any of the
+guests; nor were the company below much concerned at the dean's absence,
+as his very name usually inspired those who did not know him, with awe;
+and they were afraid that his presence would put an end to the ease and
+cheerfulness which reigned among them. On the fourth day, Swift entered
+the room where the company were assembled before dinner, and addressed
+Mr. Mathew, in a strain of the highest compliment, expatiating on all
+the beauties of his improvements, with all the skill of an artist, and
+with the taste of a connoisseur. Such an address for a man of Swift's
+character, could not fail of being pleasing to the owner, who was, at
+the same time, the planner of these improvements; and so fine an
+eulogium from one, who was supposed to deal more largely in satire, than
+panegyric, was likely to remove the prejudice entertained against his
+character, and prepossessed the rest of the company in his favor. He
+concluded his speech by saying: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I am
+come to live among you, and it shall be no fault of mine, if we do not
+pass our time agreeably."
+
+In a short time, all restraint on his account disappeared, he entered
+readily into all the little schemes for promoting mirth; and every day,
+with the assistance of his coadjutor, produced some new one, which
+afforded a good deal of sport and merriment. In short, never were such
+joyous scenes know at, Thomastown before. When the time came, which
+obliged Sheridan to return to his school, the company were so delighted
+with the dean, that they earnestly entreated him to remain there some
+time longer; and Mr. Mathew himself for once broke through a rule which
+he observed, of never soliciting the stay of any guest. Swift found
+himself so happy, that he readily yielded to their solicitations; and
+instead of a fortnight, passed four months there, much to his
+satisfaction, and that of all those who visited the place during that
+time.
+
+
+SWIFT'S LAST LINES.
+
+In one of those lucid intervals which varied the course of Swift's
+unhappy lunacy, his guardians or physicians took him out to give him an
+airing. When they came to the Phoenix park, Swift remarked a new building
+which he had never seen, and asked what it was designed for? Dr.
+Kingsbury answered, "That, Mr. Dean, is the magazine for arms and
+powder, for the security of the city." "Oh! oh!" says the dean, pulling
+out his pocket-book, "let me take an item of that. This is worth
+remarking; my tablets, as Hamlet says, my tablets--memory, put down
+that." He then produced the following lines, being the last he ever
+wrote:
+
+    Behold! a proof of Irish sense!
+      Here Irish wit is seen,
+    When nothing's left for our defence,
+      We build a magazine.
+
+The Dean then put up his pocket-book, laughing heartily at the conceit,
+and clenching it with, "After the steed's stolen, shut the stable
+door."
+
+
+
+
+JOHN PHILPOT CURRAN.
+
+
+HIS BIRTH
+
+John Philpot Curran was born at Newmarket, a small village in
+the county of Cork, on the 24th of July, 1750. His father, James Curran,
+was seneschal of the manor, and possessed of a very moderate income. His
+mother was a very extraordinary woman. Eloquent and witty, she was the
+delight of her neighbors, and their chronicle and arbitress. Her stories
+were of the olden time, and made their way to the hearts of the people,
+who delighted in her wit and the truly national humor of her character.
+Little Curran used to hang with ecstasy upon his mother's accents, used
+to repeat her tales and her jests, and caught up her enthusiasm. After
+her death, he erected a monument over her remains, upon which the
+following memorial was inscribed:--
+
+"Here lieth all that was mortal of Martha Curran--a woman of many
+virtues, few foibles, great talents, and no vice. This tablet was
+inscribed to her memory by a son who loved her, and whom she loved."
+
+
+CURRAN AS PUNCH'S MAN.
+
+Curran's first effort in public commenced when a boy in the droll
+character of Mr. Punch's man. It occurred in this way: One of the
+puppet-shows known as "Punch and Judy," arrived at Newmarket, to the
+great gratification of the neighborhood. Young Curran was an attentive
+listener at every exhibition of the show. At length, Mr. Punch's man
+fell ill, and immediately ruin threatened the establishment. Curran, who
+had devoured all the man's eloquence, offered himself to the manager as
+Mr. Punch's man. His services were gladly accepted, and his success so
+complete, that crowds attended every performance, and Mr. Punch's new
+man became the theme of universal panegyric.
+
+
+CURRAN AT A DEBATING SOCIETY.
+
+Curran's account of his introduction and _debut_ at a debating society,
+is the identical "first appearance" of hundreds. "Upon the first of our
+assembling," he says, "I attended, my foolish heart throbbing with the
+anticipated honor of being styled 'the learned member that opened the
+debate,' or 'the very eloquent gentleman who has just sat down.' All day
+the coming scene had been flitting before my fancy, and cajoling it. My
+ear already caught the glorious melody of 'Hear him! hear him!' Already
+I was practising how to steal a sidelong glance at the tears of generous
+approbation bubbling in the eyes of my little auditory,--never
+suspecting, alas! that a modern eye may have so little affinity with
+moisture, that the finest gunpowder may be dried upon it. I stood up; my
+mind was stored with about a folio volume of matter; but I wanted a
+preface, and for want of a preface, the volume was never published. I
+stood up, trembling through every fibre: but remembering that in this I
+was but imitating Tully, I took courage, and had actually proceeded
+almost as far as 'Mr. Chairman,' when, to my astonishment and terror, I
+perceived that every eye was riveted upon me. There were only six or
+seven present, and the little room could not have contained as many
+more; yet was it, to my panic-stricken imagination, as if I were the
+central object in nature, and assembled millions were gazing upon me in
+breathless expectation. I became dismayed and dumb. My friends cried
+'Hear him!' but there was nothing to hear. My lips, indeed, went through
+the pantomime of articulation; but I was like the unfortunate fiddler at
+the fair, who, coming to strike up the solo that was to ravish every
+ear, discovered that an enemy had maliciously soaped his bow; or rather,
+like poor Punch, as I once saw him, grimacing a soliloquy, of which his
+prompter had most indiscreetly neglected to administer the words." Such
+was the _debut_ of "Stuttering Jack Curran," or "Orator Mum," as he was
+waggishly styled; but not many months elapsed ere the sun of his
+eloquence burst forth in dazzling splendor.
+
+
+CURRAN AND THE BANKER.
+
+A Limerick banker, remarkable for his sagacity, had an iron leg. "His
+leg," said Curran "is the _softest_ part about him."
+
+
+HIS DUEL WITH ST. LEGER.
+
+Curran was employed at Cork to prosecute a British officer of the name
+of St. Leger, for an assault upon a Catholic clergyman. St. Leger was
+suspected by Curran to be a creature of Lord Doneraile, and to have
+acted under the influence of his lordship's religious prejudice. Curran
+rated him soundly on this, and with such effect that St. Leger sent him
+a challenge the next day. They met, but as Curran did not return his
+fire, the affair ended. "It was not necessary," said Curran, "for me to
+fire at him, for he died in three weeks after the duel, of the _report
+of his own pistol_."
+
+
+THE MONKS OF THE SCREW.
+
+This was the name of a club that met on every Saturday during term in a
+house in Kevin-street, and had for its members Curran, Grattan, Flood,
+Father O'Leary, Lord Charlemont, Judge Day, Judge Metge, Judge
+Chamberlaine, Lord Avonmore, Bowes Daly, George Ogle, and Mr. Keller.
+Curran, being Grand Prior of the order, composed the charter song as
+follows:--
+
+    When Saint Patrick our order created,
+      And called us the Monks of the Screw,
+    Good rules he revealed to our Abbot,
+      To guide us in what we should do.
+
+    But first he replenished his fountain
+      With liquor the best in the sky:
+    And he swore by the word of his saintship
+      That fountain should never run dry.
+
+    My children, be chaste till you're tempted--
+      While sober, be wise and discreet--
+    And humble your bodies with fasting,
+      Whene'er you've got nothing to eat.
+
+    Then be not a glass in the convent,
+      Except on a festival, found--
+    And this rule to enforce, I ordain it
+      A festival--_all the year round_.
+
+
+LORD AVONMORE.
+
+Curran was often annoyed when pleading before Lord Avonmore, owing to
+his lordship's habit of being influenced by first impressions. He and
+Curran were to dine together at the house of a friend, and the
+opportunity was seized by Curran to cure his lordship's habit of
+anticipating.
+
+"Why, Mr. Curran, you have kept us a full hour waiting dinner for you,"
+grumbled out Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my dear Lord, I regret it much; you
+must know it seldom happens, but--I've just been witness to a most
+melancholy occurrence." "My God! you seem terribly moved by it--take a
+glass of wine. What was it?--what was it?"--"I will tell you, my Lord,
+the moment I can collect myself. I had been detained at Court--in the
+Court of Chancery--your Lordship knows the Chancellor sits late." "I do,
+I do--but _go on_."--"Well, my Lord, I was hurrying here as fast as ever
+I could--I did not even change my dress--I hope I shall be excused for
+coming in my boots?" "Poh, poh--never mind your boots: the point--come
+at once to the point of the story."--"Oh--I will, my good Lord, in a
+moment. I walked here--I would not even wait to get the carriage
+ready--it would have taken time, you know. Now there is a market exactly
+in the road by which I had to pass--your Lordship may perhaps recollect
+the market--do you?" "To be sure I do--_go on_, Curran--_go on_ with the
+story."--"I am very glad your Lordship remembers the market, for I
+totally forget the name of it--the name--the name--" "What the devil
+signifies the name of it, sir?--it's the Castle Market."--"Your Lordship
+is perfectly right--it is called the Castle Market. Well, I was passing
+through that very identical Castle Market, when I observed a butcher
+preparing to kill a calf. He had a huge knife in his hand--it was as
+sharp as a razor. The calf was standing beside him--he drew the knife to
+plunge it into the animal. Just as he was in the act of doing so, a
+little boy about four years old--his only son--the loveliest little baby
+I ever saw, ran suddenly across his path, and he killed--oh, my God! he
+killed--" "The child! the child! the child!" vociferated Lord Avonmore.
+"No, my Lord, _the calf_," continued Curran, very coolly; "he killed the
+calf, but--_your Lordship is in the habit of anticipating_."
+
+
+HIS FIRST CLIENT.
+
+When Curran was called to the bar, he was without friends, without
+connections, without fortune, conscious of talents far above the mob by
+which he was elbowed, and cursed with sensibility, which rendered him
+painfully alive to the mortifications he was fated to experience. Those
+who have risen to professional eminence, and recollect the impediments
+of such a commencement--the neglect abroad--the poverty, perhaps, at
+home--the frowns of rivalry--the fears of friendship--the sneer at the
+first essay--the prophecy that it will be the last--discouragement as
+to the present--forebodings as to the future--some who are established
+endeavoring to crush the chance of competition, and some who have failed
+anxious for the wretched consolation of companionship--those who
+recollect the comforts of such an apprenticeship may duly appreciate
+poor Curran's situation. After toiling for a very inadequate recompense
+at the Sessions of Cork, and wearing, as he said himself, his teeth
+almost to their stumps, he proceeded to the metropolis, taking for his
+wife and young children a miserable lodging on Hog-hill. Term after
+term, without either profit or professional reputation, he paced the
+hall of the Four Courts. Yet even thus he was not altogether
+undistinguished. If his pocket was not heavy, his heart was light--he
+was young and ardent, buoyed up not less by the consciousness of what he
+felt within, than by the encouraging comparison with those who were
+successful around him, and his station among the crowd of idlers, whom
+he amused with his wit or amused by his eloquence. Many even who had
+emerged from that crowd, did not disdain occasionally to glean from his
+conversation the rich and varied treasures which he did not fail to
+squander with the most unsparing prodigality; and some there were who
+observed the brightness of the infant luminary struggling through the
+obscurity that clouded its commencement. Among those who had the
+discrimination to appreciate, and the heart to feel for him, luckily for
+Curran, was Mr. Arthur Wolfe, afterwards the unfortunate, but respected
+Lord Kilwarden. The first fee of any consequence that he received was
+through his recommendation; and his recital of the incident cannot be
+without its interest to the young professional aspirant whom a temporary
+neglect may have sunk into dejection. "I then lived," said he, "upon
+Hog-hill; my wife and children were the chief furniture of my
+apartments; and as to my rent, it stood much the same chance of its
+liquidation with the national debt. Mrs. Curran, however, was a
+barrister's lady, and what was wanting in wealth, she was well
+determined should be supplied by dignity. The landlady, on the other
+hand, had no idea of any other gradation except that of pounds,
+shillings, and pence. I walked out one morning in order to avoid the
+perpetual altercations on the subject, with my mind, you may imagine, in
+no very enviable temperament. I fell into gloom, to which from my
+infancy I had been occasionally subject. I had a family for whom I had
+no dinner, and a landlady for whom I had no rent. I had gone abroad in
+despondence--I returned home almost in desperation. When I opened the
+door of my study, where _Lavater_ alone could have found a library, the
+first object that presented itself was an immense folio of a brief,
+twenty golden guineas wrapped up beside it, and the name of _Old Bob
+Lyons_ marked on the back of it. I paid my landlady--bought a good
+dinner--gave Bob Lyons a share of it; and that dinner was the date of my
+prosperity!"
+
+
+CURRAN AND THE INFORMER.
+
+The following is an extract from Curran's speech delivered before a
+committee of the house of Lords, against the Bill of attainder on Lord
+Edward's property:--
+
+"I have been asked," said he, "by the committee, whether I have any
+defensive evidence? I am confounded by such a question. Where is there a
+possibility of obtaining defensive evidence? Where am I to seek it? I
+have often, of late, gone to the dungeon of the captive, but never have
+I gone to the grave of the dead, to receive instructions for his
+defence; nor, in truth, have I ever before been at the trial of a dead
+man! I offer, therefore, no evidence upon this inquiry, against the
+perilous example of which I do protest on behalf of the public, and
+against the cruelty and inhumanity and injustice of which I do protest
+in the name of the dead father, whose memory is sought to be dishonored,
+and of his infant orphans, whose bread is sought to be taken away. Some
+observations, and but a few, upon the evidence of the informer I will
+make. I do believe all he has admitted respecting himself. I do verily
+believe him in that instance, even though I heard him assert it upon his
+oath--by his own confession an informer, and a bribed informer--a man
+whom respectable witnesses had sworn in a court of justice, upon their
+oaths, not to be credible on his oath--a man upon whose single testimony
+no jury ever did, or ever ought to pronounce a verdict of guilty--a kind
+of man to whom the law resorts with abhorrence, and from necessity, in
+order to set the criminal against the crime, but who is made use of for
+the same reason that the most obnoxious poisons are resorted to in
+medicine. If such be the man, look for a moment at his story. He
+confines himself to mere conversation only, with a dead man! He ventures
+not to introduce any third person, living or even dead! he ventures to
+state no act whatever done. He wishes, indeed, to asperse the conduct of
+Lady Edward Fitzgerald; but he well knew that, even were she in this
+country, she could not be called as a witness to contradict him. See
+therefore, if there be any one assertion to which credit can be given,
+except this--that he has sworn and forsworn--that he is a traitor--that
+he has received five hundred guineas to be an informer, and that his
+general reputation is, to be utterly unworthy of credit."
+
+He concludes thus:--"Every act of this sort ought to have a practical
+morality flowing from its principle. If loyalty and justice require that
+those children should be deprived of bread, must it not be a violation
+of that principle to give them food or shelter? Must not every loyal and
+just man wish to see them, in the words of the famous Golden Bull,
+'always poor and necessitous, and for ever accompanied by the infamy of
+the father, languishing in continued indigence, and finding their
+punishment in living, and their relief in dying?' If the widowed mother
+should carry the orphan heir of her unfortunate husband to the gate of
+any man who himself touched with the sad vicissitude of human affairs,
+might feel a compassionate reverence for the noble blood that flowed in
+his veins, nobler than the royalty that first ennobled it, that, like a
+rich stream, rose till it ran and hid its fountain--if, remembering the
+many noble qualities of his unfortunate father, his heart melted over
+the calamities of the child--if his heart swelled, if his eyes
+overflowed, if his too precipitate hand was stretched forth by his pity
+or his gratitude to the excommunicated sufferers, how could he justify
+the rebel tear or the traitorous humanity? One word more and I have
+done. I once more earnestly and solemnly conjure you to reflect that the
+fact--I mean the fact of guilt or innocence which must be the foundation
+of this bill--is not now, after the death of the party, capable of being
+tried, consistent with the liberty of a free people, or the unalterable
+rules of eternal justice; and that as to the forfeiture and the ignominy
+which it enacts, that only can be punishment which lights upon guilt,
+and that can be only vengeance which breaks upon innocence."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Curran was one day setting his watch at the Post Office, which was then
+opposite the late Parliament House, when a noble member of the House of
+Lords said to him, "Curran, what do they mean to do with that useless
+building? For my part, I am sure I hate even the sight of it." "I do not
+wonder at it, my lord," replied Curran contemptuously; "I never yet
+heard of a _murderer_ who was not afraid of a _ghost_."
+
+
+LORD CLARE.
+
+One day when it was known that Curran had to make an elaborate argument
+in Chancery, Lord Clare brought a large Newfoundland dog upon the bench
+with him, and during the progress of the argument he lent his ear much
+more to the dog than to the barrister. This was observed at length by
+the entire profession. In time the Chancellor lost all regard for
+decency; he turned himself quite aside in the most material part of the
+case, and began in full court to fondle the animal. Curran stopped at
+once. "Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "Oh! I beg a
+thousand pardons, my Lord; I really took it for granted that your
+Lordship was _employed in consultation_."
+
+
+CURRAN'S ELOQUENCE.
+
+In a debate on attachments in the Irish House of Commons, in 1785, Mr.
+Curran rose to speak against them; and perceiving Mr. Fitzgibbon, the
+attorney-general (afterwards Lord Clare), had fallen asleep on his seat,
+he thus commenced:--"I hope I may say a few words on this great subject,
+without disturbing the sleep of any right honorable member; and yet,
+perhaps, I ought rather to envy than blame the tranquility of the right
+honorable gentleman. I do not feel myself so happily tempered, as to be
+lulled to repose by the storms that shake the land. If they invited any
+to rest, that rest ought not to be lavished on the guilty spirit."
+
+Although Mr. Curran appears here to have commenced hostilities, it
+should be mentioned, that he was apprised of Mr. Fitzgibbon's having
+given out in the ministerial circles that he would take an opportunity
+during the debate, in which he knew that Mr. Curran would take a part,
+of _putting down the young patriot_. The Duchess of Rutland, and all the
+ladies of the castle were present in the gallery, to witness what Mr.
+Curran called, in the course of the debate, "this exhibition by
+command."
+
+When Mr. Curran sat down, Mr. Fitzgibbon, provoked by the expressions he
+had used, and by the general tenor of his observation, replied with much
+personality, and among other things, denominated Mr. Curran a "_puny
+babbler_." Mr. C. retorted by the following description of his opponent:
+"I am not a man whose respect in person and character depends upon the
+importance of his office; I am not a young man who thrusts himself into
+the fore-ground of a picture, which ought to be occupied by a better
+figure; I am not one who replies with invective, when sinking under the
+weight of argument; I am not a man who denies the necessity of
+parliamentary reform, at the time that he approves of its expediency, by
+reviling his own constituents, the parish clerk, the sexton, and the
+grave-digger; and if there be any man who can apply what I am not, to
+himself, I leave him to think of it in the committee, and contemplate
+upon it when he goes home."
+
+The result of this night's debate was a duel between Mr. Curran and Mr.
+Fitzgibbon; after exchanging shots, they separated, but confirmed in
+their feeling of mutual aversion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the assizes at Cork, Curran had once just entered upon his case, and
+stated the facts to the jury. He then, with his usual impressiveness and
+pathos, appealed to their feelings, and was concluding the whole with
+this sentence: "Thus, gentlemen, I trust I have made the innocence of
+that persecuted man as clear to you as"--At that instant the sun, which
+had hitherto been overclouded, shot its rays into the court-house--"as
+clear to you," continued he, "as yonder sun-beam, which now burst in
+among us, and supplies me with its splendid illustration."
+
+
+SCENE BETWEEN FITZGIBBON AND CURRAN IN THE IRISH PARLIAMENT.
+
+Mr. Fitzgibbon (afterwards Lord Clare) rose and said:--"The politically
+insane gentleman has asserted much, but he only emitted some effusions
+of the witticisms of fancy. His declamation, indeed, was better
+calculated for the stage of Sadler's Wells than the floor of the House
+of Commons. A mountebank, with but one-half of the honorable gentleman's
+talent for rant, would undoubtedly make his fortune. However, I am
+somewhat surprised he should entertain such a particular asperity
+against me, as I never did him a favor. But, perhaps, the honorable
+gentleman imagines he may talk himself into consequence; if so, I should
+be sorry to obstruct his promotion; he is heartily welcome to attack me.
+Of one thing only I will assure him, that I hold him in so small a
+degree of estimation, either as a man or as a lawyer, that I shall never
+hereafter deign to make him any answer."
+
+Mr. Curran.--"The honorable gentleman says I have poured forth some
+witticisms of fancy. That is a charge I shall never be able to retort
+upon him. He says I am insane. For my part were I the man who, when all
+debate had subsided--who, when the bill was given up, had risen to make
+an inflammatory speech against my country, I should be obliged to any
+friend who would excuse my conduct by attributing it to insanity. Were
+I the man who could commit a murder on the reputation of my country, I
+should thank the friend who would excuse my conduct by attributing it to
+insanity. Were I a man possessed of so much arrogance as to set up my
+own little head against the opinions of the nation, I should thank the
+friend who would say, 'Heed him not, he is insane!' Nay, if I were such
+a man, I would thank the friend who had sent me to Bedlam. If I knew one
+man who was 'easily roused and easily appeased,' I would not give his
+character as that of the whole nation. The right honorable gentleman
+says he never came here with written speeches. I never suspected him of
+it, and I believe there is not a gentleman in the house, who, having
+heard what has fallen from him, would ever suspect him of writing
+speeches. But I will not pursue him further. I will not enter into a
+conflict in which victory can gain no honor."
+
+
+HIS DEFENCE OF ARCHIBALD HAMILTON ROWAN.
+
+The following extracts, commencing with a description of Mr. Rowan, will
+be found interesting:
+
+"Gentlemen, let me suggest another observation or two, if still you have
+any doubt as to the guilt or the innocence of the defendant. Give me
+leave to suggest to you what circumstances you ought to consider, in
+order to found your verdict. You should consider the character of the
+person accused; and in this your task is easy. I will venture to say,
+there is not a man in this nation more known than the gentleman who is
+the subject of this persecution, not only by the part he has taken in
+public concerns, and which he has taken in common with many, but still
+more so by that extraordinary sympathy for human affliction which, I am
+sorry to think, he shares with so small a number. There is not a day
+that you hear the cries of your starving manufacturers in your streets,
+that you do not also see the advocate of their sufferings--that you do
+not see his honest and manly figure, with uncovered head soliciting for
+their relief: searching the frozen heart of charity for every string
+that can be touched by compassion, and urging the force of every
+argument and every motive, save that which his modesty suppresses--the
+authority of his own generous example. Or if you see him not there, you
+may trace his steps to the abode of disease, and famine, and despair;
+the messenger of Heaven--bearing with him food, and medicine, and
+consolation. Are these the materials of which we suppose anarchy and
+public rapine to be formed? Is this the man on whom to fasten the
+abominable charge of goading on a frantic populace to mutiny and
+bloodshed? Is this the man likely to apostatize from every principle
+that can bind him to the State--his birth, his property, his education,
+his character, and his children? Let me tell you, gentlemen of the jury,
+if you agree with his prosecutors in thinking there ought to be a
+sacrifice of such a man, on such an occasion, and upon the credit of
+such evidence you are to convict him, never did you, never can you, give
+a sentence consigning any man to public punishment with less danger to
+his person or to his fame; for where could the hireling be found to
+fling contumely or ingratitude at his head whose private distress he had
+not labored to alleviate, or whose public condition he had not labored
+to improve?"
+
+Speaking of the liberty of the press, he says--
+
+"What, then, remains? The liberty of the press only; that sacred
+Palladium, which no influence, no power, no government, which nothing
+but the folly or the depravity, or the folly or the corruption, of a
+jury ever can destroy. And what calamities are the people saved from by
+having public communication kept open to them! I will tell you,
+gentlemen, what they are saved from; I will tell you also to what both
+are exposed by shutting up that communication. In one case, sedition
+speaks aloud and walks abroad; the demagogue goes forth; the public eye
+is upon him; he frets his busy hour upon the stage; but soon either
+weariness, or bribe, or punishment, or disappointment, bears him down,
+or drives him off, and he appears no more. In the other case, how does
+the work of sedition go forward? Night after night the muffled rebel
+steals forth in the dark, and casts another brand upon the pile, to
+which, when the hour of fatal maturity shall arrive, he will apply the
+flame. If you doubt of the horrid consequences of suppressing the
+effusion of even individual discontent, look to those enslaved countries
+where the protection of despotism is supposed to be secured by such
+restraints. Even the person of the despot there is never in safety.
+Neither the fears of the despot, nor the machinations of the slave, have
+any slumber--the one anticipating the moment of peril, the other
+watching the opportunity of aggression. The fatal crisis is equally a
+surprise upon both; the decisive instant is precipitated without
+warning, by folly on the one side, or by frenzy on the other; and there
+is no notice of the treason till the traitor acts. In those unfortunate
+countries--one cannot read it without horror--there are officers whose
+province it is to have the water which is to be drank by their rulers,
+sealed up in bottles, lest some wretched miscreant should throw poison
+into the draught. But, gentlemen, if you wish for a nearer and a more
+interesting example, you have it in the history of your own Revolution;
+you have it at that memorable period, when the monarch found a servile
+acquiescence in the ministers of his folly--when the liberty of the
+press was trodden under foot--when venal sheriff's returned packed
+juries to carry into effect those fatal conspiracies of the few against
+the many--when the devoted benches of public justice were filled by some
+of those foundlings of fortune, who, overwhelmed in the torrent of
+corruption at an early period, lay at the bottom like drowned bodies
+while sanity remained in them, but at length, becoming buoyant by
+putrefaction, they rose as they rotted, and floated to the surface of
+the polluted stream, where they were drifted along, the objects of
+terror and contagion and abomination.
+
+"In that awful moment of a nation's travail, of the last gasp of
+tyranny, and the first breath of freedom, how pregnant is the example!
+The press extinguished, the people enslaved, and the prince undone! As
+the advocate of society therefore--of peace, of domestic liberty, and
+the lasting union of the two countries, I conjure you to guard the
+liberty of the press, that great sentinel of the State, that grand
+detector of public imposture: guard it, because when it sinks, there
+sink with it, in one common grave, the liberty of the subject and the
+security of the Crown.
+
+"Gentlemen, I am glad that this question has not been brought forward
+earlier. I rejoice for the sake of the court, the jury, and of the
+public repose, that this question has not been brought forward till now.
+In. Great Britain, analogous circumstances have taken place. At the
+commencement of that unfortunate war which has deluged Europe with
+blood, the spirit of the English people was tremblingly alive to the
+terror of French principles; at that moment of general paroxysm, to
+accuse was to convict. The danger loomed larger to the public eye from
+the misty region through which it was surveyed. We measure inaccessible
+heights by the shadows they project, when the lowness and the distance
+of the light form the length of the shade.
+
+"There is a sort of aspiring and adventurous credulity, which disdains
+assenting to obvious truths, and delights in catching at the
+improbabilities of a case as its best ground of faith. To what other
+cause, gentlemen, can you ascribe that, in the wise, the reflecting, and
+the philosophic nation of Great Britain, a printer has been gravely
+found guilty of a libel for publishing those resolutions to which the
+present minister of that kingdom had already subscribed his name? To
+what other cause can you ascribe, what in my mind is still more
+astonishing, in such a country as Scotland--a nation, cast in the happy
+medium between the spiritless acquiescence of submissive poverty, and
+the sturdy credulity of pampered wealth--cool and ardent, adventurous
+and persevering, winging her eagle flight against the blaze of every
+science, with an eye that never winks, and a wing that never tires;
+crowned, as she is, with the spoils of every art and decked with the
+wreath of every muse, from the deep and scrutinizing researches of her
+Hume, to the sweet and simple, but not less sublime and pathetic,
+morality of her Burns--how, from the bosom of a country like that,
+genius and character and talents [Muir, Margarot, &c.,] should be
+banished to a distant and barbarous soil, condemned to pine under the
+horrid communion of vulgar vice, and base-born profligacy, twice the
+period that ordinary calculation gives to the continuance of human life!
+But I will not further press any idea that is painful to me, and I am
+sure must be painful to you; I will only say, you have now an example of
+which neither England nor Scotland had the advantage; you have the
+example of the panic, the infatuation, and the contrition of both. It is
+now for you to decide whether you will profit by their experience of
+idle panic and idle regret, or whether you meanly prefer to palliate a
+servile imitation of their frailty by a paltry affectation of their
+repentance. It is now for you to show that you are not carried away by
+the same hectic delusions, to acts of which no tears can wash away the
+fatal consequences or the indelible reproach."
+
+He thus speaks of the Volunteers of Ireland:--
+
+"Gentlemen, Mr. Attorney-General has thought proper to direct your
+attention to the state and circumstances of public affairs at the time
+of this transaction: let me also make a few retrospective observations
+on a period at which he has but slightly glanced. You know, gentlemen,
+that France had espoused the cause of America, and we became thereby
+involved in a war with that nation.
+
+    '_Heu, nescia mens hominum futuri_!'
+
+"Little did that ill-fated monarch know that he was forming the first
+cause of those disastrous events that were to end in the subversion of
+his throne, in the slaughter of his family, and the deluging of his
+country with the blood of his people. You cannot but remember that a
+time when we had scarcely a regular soldier for our defence--when the
+old and young were alarmed and terrified with apprehensions of a
+descent upon our coasts--that Providence seemed to have worked a sort of
+miracle in our favor. You saw a band of armed men at the great call of
+nature, of honor, and their country; you saw men of the greatest wealth
+and rank; you saw every class of the community give up its members, and
+send them armed into the field to protect the public and private
+tranquility of Ireland; it is impossible for any man to turn back to
+that period, without reviving those sentiments of tenderness and
+gratitude which then beat in the public bosom; to recollect amidst what
+applause, what tears, what prayers, what benedictions, they walked forth
+amongst spectators, agitated by the mingled sensations of terror and of
+reliance, of danger and of protection, imploring the blessings of Heaven
+upon their heads, and its conquest upon their swords. That illustrious,
+and adored and abused body of men stood forward and assumed the title,
+which I trust the ingratitude of their country will never blot from its
+history--the Volunteers of Ireland."
+
+He thus speaks of the national representation of the people;
+
+"Gentlemen, the representation of our people is the vital principle of
+their political existence; without it, they are dead, or they live only
+to servitude; without it, there are two estates acting upon and against
+the third, instead of acting in co-operation with it; without it, if the
+people are oppressed by their judges, where is the tribunal to which the
+offender shall be amenable?--without it, if they are trampled upon and
+plundered by a minister, where is the tribunal to which the offender
+shall be amenable?--without it, where is the ear to hear, or the heart
+to feel, or the hand to redress their sufferings? Shall they be found,
+let me ask you, in the accursed bands of imps and minions that bask in
+their disgrace, and fatten upon their spoils, and flourish upon their
+ruin? But let me not put this to you as a merely speculative question:
+it is a plain question of fact. Rely on it, physical man is everywhere
+the same: it is only the various operation of moral causes that gives
+variety to the social or individual character or condition. How
+otherwise happens it, that modern slavery looks quietly at the despot on
+the very spot where Leonidas expired? The answer is, Sparta has not
+changed her climate, but she has lost that government which her liberty
+could not survive."
+
+Speaking of universal emancipation, he says:--
+
+"This paper, gentlemen, insists on the necessity of emancipating the
+Catholics of Ireland; and that is charged as part of the libel. If they
+had waited another year--if they had kept this prosecution pending for
+another year, how much would remain for a jury to decide upon, I should
+be at a loss to discover. It seems as if the progress of public
+information was eating away the ground of prosecution. Since its
+commencement, this part of the libel has unluckily received the sanction
+of the Legislature. In that interval our Catholic brethren have
+re-obtained that admission which, it seems, it was a libel to propose.
+In what way to account for this I am really at a loss. Have any alarms
+been occasioned by the emancipation of our Catholic brethren? Has the
+bigoted malignity of any individual been crushed? Or has the stability
+of the government or that of the country been weakened? Or is one
+million of subjects stronger than four millions? Do you think that the
+benefit they have received, should be poisoned by the sting of
+vengeance. If you think so, you must say to them: You have demanded
+emancipation, and you have got it; but we abhor your persons; we are
+outraged at your success, and we will stigmatize by a criminal
+prosecution the adviser of that relief which you have obtained from the
+voice of your country. I ask you, do you think, as honest men anxious
+for the public tranquility, conscious that there are wounds not yet
+completely cicatrized, that you ought to speak this language at this
+time to men who are very much disposed to think that, in this very
+emancipation, they have been saved from their own Parliament by the
+humanity of their own sovereign? Or do you wish to prepare them for the
+revocation of these improvident concessions? Do you think it wise or
+humane at this moment to insult them, by sticking up in a pillory the
+man who dared to stand forth as their advocate? I put it to your oaths:
+Do you think that a blessing of that kind--that a victory obtained by
+justice over bigotry and oppression, should have a stigma cast upon it,
+by an ignominious sentence upon men bold enough and honest enough to
+propose that measure;--to propose the redeeming of religion from the
+abuses of the church, the reclaiming of three millions of men from
+bondage, and giving liberty to all who had a right to demand it; giving,
+I say, in the so much censured words of this paper--giving 'universal
+emancipation.'
+
+"I speak in the spirit of the British law, which makes liberty
+commensurate with, and inseparable from, British soil--which proclaims
+even to the stranger and sojourner, the moment he sets his foot upon
+British earth, that the ground on which he treads is holy, and
+consecrated by the genius of universal emancipation. No matter in what
+language his doom may have been pronounced--no matter what complexion,
+incompatible with freedom, an Indian or an African sun may have burnt on
+him--no matter in what disastrous battle the helm of his liberty may
+been cloven down--no matter with what solemnities he may have been
+devoted upon the altar of slavery--the moment he touches the sacred soil
+of Britain, the altar and the god sink together in the dust; his soul
+walks abroad in its own majesty; his body swells beyond the measure of
+his chains, which burst from around him, and he stands redeemed,
+regenerated, and disenthralled by the irresistible genius of
+universal emancipation."
+
+(Mr. Curran was here interrupted with the loud and irresistible
+acclamations of all within hearing. When, after a long interval, the
+enthusiasm had in some degree subsided, he thus modestly alluded to the
+incident).
+
+"Gentlemen, I am not such a fool as to ascribe any effusion of this sort
+to any merit of mine. It is the mighty theme, and not the inconsiderable
+advocate, that can excite interest in the hearer: what you hear is but
+the testimony which nature bears to her own character; it is the
+effusion of her gratitude to that power which stamped that character
+upon her."
+
+He concludes with this brilliant peroration:--
+
+"Upon this subject, therefore, credit me when I say I am still more
+anxious for you than I can possibly be for him. Not the jury of his own
+choice, which the law of England allows, but which ours refuses,
+collected in that box by a person certainly no friend to Mr.
+Rowan--certainly not very deeply interested in giving him a very
+impartial jury. Feeling this, as I am persuaded you do, you cannot be
+surprised, however you may be distressed, at the mournful presage with
+which an anxious public is led to fear the worst from your possible
+determination. But I will not, for the justice and honor of our common
+country, suffer my mind to be borne away by such melancholy
+anticipation. I will not relinquish the confidence that this day will be
+the period of his sufferings; and, however mercilessly he has been
+hitherto pursued, that your verdict will send him home to the arms of
+his family and the wishes of his country. But if, which Heaven forbid!
+it hath still been unfortunately determined, that because he has not
+bent to power and authority, because he would not bow down before the
+golden calf and worship it, he is to be bound and cast into the
+furnace,--I do trust in God there is a redeeming spirit in the
+constitution, which will be seen to walk with the sufferer through the
+flames, and to preserve him unhurt by the conflagration."
+
+After this brilliant speech, when Curran made his appearance outside the
+court, he was surrounded by the populace, who had assembled to chair
+him. He begged of them to desist, in a commanding tone; but a gigantic
+chairman, eyeing Curran from top to toe, cried out to his
+companion--"Arrah, blood and turf! Pat, don't mind the little darlin';
+pitch him upon _my_ shoulder." He was, accordingly, carried to his
+carriage, and drawn home by the people.
+
+
+ENCOUNTER WITH A FISHWOMAN.
+
+There was a fishwoman in Cork who was more than a match for the whole
+fraternity of her order. She could only be matched by Mrs. Scutcheen, of
+Patrick-street, Dublin--the lady who used to boast of her "bag of
+farthin's," and regale herself before each encounter with a pennorth of
+the "droppin's o' the cock." Curran was passing the quay at Cork where
+this virago held forth, when, stopping to listen to her, he was
+requested to "go on ou' that." Hesitating to retreat as quick as the
+lady wished, she opened a broadside upon Curran, who returned fire with
+such effect as to bring forth the applause of the surrounding
+sisterhood. She was vanquished for the first time, though she had been
+"thirty years on the stones o' the quay."
+
+
+CURRAN AND LORD ERSKINE.
+
+Dr. Crolly, in speaking of the two great forensic orators of the day,
+draws a comparison between the circumstances under which both addressed
+their audiences:--
+
+"When Erskine pleaded, he stood in the midst of a secure nation, and
+pleaded like a priest of the temple of justice, with his hand on the
+altar of the constitution, and all England waiting to treasure every
+deluding oracle that came from his lips. Curran pleaded--not in a time
+when the public system was only so far disturbed as to give additional
+interest to his eloquence--but in a time when the system was threatened
+with instant dissolution; when society seemed to be falling in fragments
+round him; when the soil was already throwing up flames. Rebellion was
+in arms. He pleaded, not on the floor of a shrine, but on a scaffold;
+with no companions but the wretched and culpable beings who were to be
+flung from it, hour by hour; and no hearers but the crowd, who rushed in
+desperate anxiety to that spot of hurried execution--and then rushed
+away, eager to shake off all remembrance of scenes which had torn every
+heart among them."
+
+
+HIS DUEL WITH BULLY EGAN.
+
+When Curran and Bully Egan met on the ground, the latter complained of
+the advantage his antagonist had over him, and declared that he was as
+easily hit as a turf stack, while, as to firing at Curran, he might as
+well fire at a razor's edge. Whereupon, Curran waggishly proposed that
+his size should be chalked out upon Egan's side, and that "every shot
+which hits outside that mark should _go for nothing_!"
+
+
+MASSY VERSUS HEADFORT.
+
+The following extract is from his celebrated speech against the Marquis
+of Headfort:--
+
+"Never so clearly as in the present instance, have I observed that
+safeguard of justice which Providence has placed in the nature of man.
+Such is the imperious dominion with which truth and reason wave their
+sceptre over the human intellect, that no solicitation, however
+artful--no talent, however commanding--can seduce it from its
+allegiance. In proportion to the humility of our submission to its rule,
+do we rise into some faint emulation of that ineffable and presiding
+Divinity, whose characteristic attribute it is to be coerced and bound
+by the inexorable laws of its own nature, so as to be _all-wise_ and
+_all-just_ from necessity rather than election. You have seen it in the
+learned advocate who has preceded me, most peculiarly and strikingly
+illustrated. You have seen _even_ his great talents, perhaps the first
+in any country, languishing under a cause too weak to _carry_ him, and
+too heavy to be _carried_ by him. He was forced to dismiss his natural
+candor and sincerity, and, having no merits in his case, to take refuge
+in the dignity of his own manner, the resources of his own ingenuity,
+from the overwhelming difficulties with which he was surrounded.
+Wretched client! unhappy advocate! what a combination do you form! But
+such is the condition of guilt--its commission mean and tremulous--its
+defence artificial and insincere--its prosecution candid and simple--its
+condemnation dignified and austere. Such has been the defendant's
+guilt--such his defence--such shall be my address to you--and such, I
+trust, your verdict. The learned counsel has told you that this
+unfortunate woman is not to be estimated at forty thousand pounds. Fatal
+and unquestionable is the truth of this assertion. Alas! gentlemen, she
+is no longer worth anything; faded, fallen, degraded, and disgraced, she
+is worth less than nothing! But it is for the honor, the hope, the
+expectation, the tenderness, and the comforts that have been blasted by
+the defendant, and have fled forever, that you are to remunerate the
+plaintiff by the punishment of the defendant. It is not her present
+value which you are to weigh; but it is her value at that time when she
+sat basking in a husband's love, with the blessing of Heaven on her
+head, and its purity in her heart; when she sat amongst her family, and
+administered the morality of the parental board. Estimate that past
+value--compare it with its present deplorable diminution--and it may
+lead you to form some judgment of the severity of the injury, and the
+extent of the compensation.
+
+"The learned counsel has told you, you ought to be cautious, because
+your verdict cannot be set aside for excess. The assertion is just; but
+has he treated you fairly by its application? His cause would not allow
+him to be fair; for why is the rule adopted in this single action?
+Because, this being peculiarly an injury to the most susceptible of all
+human feelings, it leaves the injury of the husband to be ascertained
+by the sensibility of the jury, and does not presume to measure the
+justice of their determination by the cold and chilly exercise of its
+own discretion. In any other action it is easy to calculate. If a
+tradesman's arm is cut off, you can measure the loss he has sustained;
+but the wound of feeling, and the agony of the heart, cannot be judged
+by any standard with which I am acquainted. And you are unfairly dealt
+with when you are called on to appreciate the present sufferings of the
+husband by the present guilt, delinquency, and degradation of his wife.
+As well might you, if called on to give compensation to a man for the
+murder of his dearest friend, find the measure of his injury by weighing
+the ashes of the dead. But it is not, gentlemen of the jury, by weighing
+the ashes of the dead that you would estimate the loss of the survivor.
+
+"The learned counsel has referred you to other cases and other
+countries, for instances of moderate verdicts. I can refer you to some
+authentic instances of just ones. In the next county, �15,000 against a
+subaltern officer. In Travers and Macarthy, �5,000 against a servant.
+In Tighe against Jones, �1,000 against a man not worth a shilling.
+What, then, ought to be the rule, where rank and power, and wealth and
+station, have combined to render the example of his crime more
+dangerous--to make his guilt more odious--to make the injury to the
+plaintiff more grievous, because more conspicuous? I affect no levelling
+familiarity, when I speak of persons in the higher ranks of
+society--distinctions of orders are necessary, and I always feel
+disposed to treat them with respect--but when it is my duty to speak of
+the crimes by which they are degraded, I am not so fastidious as to
+shrink from their contact, when to touch them is essential to their
+dissection. However, therefore, I should feel on any other occasion, a
+disposition to speak of the noble defendant with the respect due to his
+station, and perhaps to his qualities, of which he may have many to
+redeem him from the odium of this transaction, I cannot so indulge
+myself here. I cannot betray my client, to avoid the pain of doing my
+duty. I cannot forget that in this action the condition, the conduct,
+and circumstances of the parties, are justly and peculiarly the objects
+of your consideration. Who, then, are the parties? The plaintiff,
+young, amiable, of family and education. Of the generous
+disinterestedness of his heart you can form an opinion even from the
+evidence of the defendant, that he declined an alliance which would have
+added to his fortune and consideration, and which he rejected for an
+unportioned union with his present wife--she too, at that time, young,
+beautiful and accomplished; and feeling her affection for her husband
+increase, in proportion as she remembered the ardor of his love, and the
+sincerity of his sacrifice. Look now to the defendant! Can you behold
+him without shame and indignation? With what feelings can you regard a
+rank that he has so tarnished, and a patent that he has so worse than
+cancelled? High in the army--high in the state--the hereditary
+counsellor of the King--of wealth incalculable--and to this last I
+advert with an indignant and contemptuous satisfaction, because, as the
+only instrument of his guilt and shame, it will be the means of his
+punishment, and the source of his compensation."
+
+
+THE SERENADING LOVER.
+
+In the very zenith of Curran's professional career, he was consulted in
+a case of extremely novel character, which arose out of the following
+circumstances:--
+
+Not many doors from Eden Quay, in Upper Sackville-street, lived a young
+lady of very fascinating manners, and whose beauty had attracted
+considerable attention wherever she made her appearance. Amongst the
+many gentlemen whose hearts she had touched, and whose heads she had
+deranged, was one young Englishman, a graduate of Trinity College, and
+about as fair a specimen of the reverse of beauty as ever took the chair
+at a dinner of the Ugly Fellows' Club. Strange to say, he above all
+others was the person on whom she looked with any favor. Men of rank and
+fortune had sought her hand--lords and commoners had sought the honor of
+an introduction; but no!--none for her but the ugly man! In vain did the
+ladies of her acquaintance quiz her about her taste--in vain did her
+family remonstrate upon the folly of her conduct, in refusing men of
+station for such an individual--no go! none for her but the ugly man!
+Her dear papa only seemed to take the affair in a quiet way; not that he
+was indifferent about the matter, but he loved her too much to throw
+any obstacle in the way of her happiness. Not so, however, with her
+brother--a splendid young fellow, whose mortification was intense,
+especially as the whole affair was the theme of ridicule among his
+fellow-students in Old Trinity. He, though sharing in all the love and
+tenderness of the father, could not understand his quiet resignation.
+What is it to be thought of that one who was the butt of the
+University--one on whom nature had played her fantastic tricks, should
+be the person who held the key to his lovely sister's heart? No! the
+father might resign himself to his quiet philosophy, but _he_, at least,
+would have none of it. It should never be said within the college walls
+that he looked tamely on while a farce of this kind was being played
+out, especially as some of his most intimate fellow-students, and a
+beloved one in particular, took more than a common interest in the
+matter.
+
+On a summer morning, in the middle of July, he was coming out of his
+hall-door, when the postman handed him two letters, one of which was
+directed to his sister. Suspecting the party from whom it came, and that
+a knowledge of its contents might lead to some discovery useful to him
+in frustrating the writer's designs, he opened it, and found that his
+suspicion was correct, and that himself was the object of complaint for
+his manner towards him in college; and further, that, as he was about to
+leave for England on the following day, and would not return for some
+weeks, he would do himself the honor of serenading her at twelve o'clock
+that night. After reading the letter, his first thought was to look to
+the condition of his horsewhip; but, after a little quiet reflection, he
+resolved upon another plan of action.
+
+Breakfast over, he proceeded to the kitchen, summoned all the servants
+to his presence, to whom he related the whole story from beginning to
+end, and proposed that they should drench him with water when he made
+his appearance under the window. But there happened to be among them a
+corpulent lady called Betty Devine, who entered a plea of objection to
+that mode of proceeding on the ground of "waste of water;" that in
+_Edinburgh_, where she had served for seven years, they wouldn't think
+of such waste; and that, if the young master would only leave the matter
+in _her_ hands, she would _drown_ the musician in a chorus, the like of
+which was not to be heard outside the boundaries of bonnie Scotland. To
+this proposition on the part of Betty the young gentleman gave a hearty
+assent; adding, at the same time, a hope that her want of practice since
+she left _Edinburgh_ would be no obstacle to her success. To which Miss
+Devine replied, by asking him to name the window out of which she was to
+present her _compliments_ to the English minstrel. "As to that, Betty,"
+said he, "I leave you to select your own ground; but take care that you
+don't miss fire"--an observation which took the stable-boy, Bill Mack,
+by the greatest surprise, as, from Betty's powers of administration in
+his regard, a _faded_ dark-brown coat the master gave him had been
+restored to its original color.
+
+For once in her life-time Betty found herself mistress of her situation,
+and having made her arrangements, despatched Bill Mack with an
+invitation to some of her sable friends of the Quay to witness the
+forthcoming concert at twelve o'clock that night.
+
+Scarcely had the hour arrived, however, when the serenader made his
+appearance, dressed in the pink of fashion; and, placing himself under
+his lady's window, proceeded to play the guitar in the best style. The
+performance hadn't well commenced, when, throwing
+
+    "his eye
+    To her lattice high,"
+
+he beheld a female figure at the two-pair window, which she opened
+gently. Then commenced his best efforts in the "art divine." No doubt it
+was the lady of his love that was there, about to reward him with
+
+    "Nature's choice gifts from above,"
+
+----not the wax artificials of these days, but the _real gems_, which he
+hoped to preserve on his passage to England!
+
+That he saw a female figure was but too true: it was Miss Betty Devine,
+who had been arranging that portion of her toilet which might endanger
+the free exercise of her right arm. This done, Miss Devine stood
+forward, and, grasping a certain utensil of more than ordinary
+proportions, with one bound, not only "returned its _lining_ on the
+night," as Tom Moore says, but also on the head of the devoted
+serenader, who was so stunned by Betty's favor, that it was some time
+before he realized the nature of the gift. His nasal organ having
+settled all doubt in that respect, he made his way from the crowd,
+vowing law and vengeance. "What is the matter?" asked a popular
+commoner, on his way from the parliament house, to one of the boys of
+the Quay; "It's a consart, yer honor, given by Betty de Scotch girl; de
+creature's fond o' harmony; and for my part, de tung is stickin' to de
+roof of my mout from de fair dint of de corus! I didn't taste a drop
+since mornin'. Ay boys, aint ye all dry?" This appeal having met with a
+favorable response, the gentlemen of the Quay retired to drink "his
+honor's health, and to wash down de music!"
+
+Meanwhile, the next morning the serenading gentleman went in all haste
+to his brother-in-law, one of the leading merchants of the city, to whom
+he communicated the occurrence of the previous night. He had scarcely
+finished, when the merchant took him off to his attorney who, without
+further delay, went with them to the residence of Curran, to have his
+opinion on the case. When they had finished, Curran at once gave his
+opinion. "Gentlemen," said he, "in this country, when we go to see a
+friend or acquaintance, all we ever expect is--pot luck!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Carew O'Dwyer was the first who had the honor of proposing that Curran's
+remains should be brought over from England and laid in Glasnevin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Charles Phillips' first introduction to Curran took place at the Priory,
+a country villa about four miles from Dublin. Curran would have no one
+to introduce him, but went and took him by the hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lundy Foot, the tobacconist, was on the table, under examination, and,
+hesitating to answer--"Lundy, Lundy," said Curran, "that's a poser--a
+devil of a pinch."
+
+
+EMPLOYMENT OF INFORMERS.
+
+"I speak not of the fate of those horrid wretches who have been so often
+transferred from the table to the dock, and from the dock to the
+pillory; I speak of what your own eyes have seen, day after day, during
+the course of this commission, from the box where you are now sitting;
+the number of horrid miscreants who avowed, upon their oaths, that they
+had come from the seat of government--from the Castle--where they had
+been worked upon by the fear of death and the hopes of compensation, to
+give evidence against their fellows; that the mild and wholesome
+councils of this government are holden over these catacombs of living
+death, where the wretch that is buried a man lies till his heart has
+time to fester and dissolve, and is then dug up a witness. Is this
+fancy, or is it fact? Have you not seen him after his resurrection from
+that tomb, after having been dug out of the region of death and
+corruption, make his appearance upon the table, the living image of life
+and of death, and the supreme arbiter of both? Have you not marked, when
+he entered, how the stormy wave of the multitude retired at his
+approach? Have you not marked how the human heart bowed to the supremacy
+of his power, in the undissembled homage of deferential horror? How his
+glance, like the lightning of heaven, seemed to rive the body of the
+accused, and mark it for the grave, while his voice warned the devoted
+wretch of life and death--a death which no innocence can escape, no art
+elude, no force resist, no antidote preserve? There was an antidote--a
+juror's oath; but even that adamantine chain, which bound the integrity
+of man to the throne of eternal justice, is solved and molten in the
+breath that issues from the informer's mouth; conscience swings from her
+mooring, and the appalled and affrighted juror consults his own safety
+in the surrender of his victim.--Informers are worshipped in the temple
+of justice, even as the devil has been worshipped by pagans and
+savages--even so, in this wicked country, is the informer an object of
+judicial idolatry--even so is he soothed by the music of human
+groans--even so is he placated and incensed by the fumes and by the
+blood of human sacrifices."
+
+
+CURRAN AND THE FARMER.
+
+A farmer attending a fair with a hundred pounds in his pocket, took the
+precaution of depositing it in the hands of the landlord of the
+public-house at which he stopped. Next day he applied for the money, but
+the host affected to know nothing of the business. In this dilemma the
+farmer consulted Curran. "Have patience, my friend," said the counsel;
+"speak to the landlord civilly, and tell him you are convinced you must
+have left your money with some other person. Take a friend with you, and
+lodge with him another hundred, and then come to me." The dupe doubted
+the advice; but, moved by the authority or rhetoric of the learned
+counsel, he at length followed it. "And now, sir," said he to Cumin, "I
+don't see as I am to be better off for this, if I get my second hundred
+again; but how is that to be done?" "Go and ask him for it when he is
+alone," said the counsel. "Ay, sir, but asking won't do, I'ze afraid,
+without my witness, at any rate." "Never mind, take my advice," said
+Curran; "do as I bid you, and return to me." The farmer did so, and came
+back with his hundred, glad at any rate to find that safe again in his
+possession. "Now, sir, I suppose I must be content; but I don't see as I
+am much better off." "Well, then," said the counsel, "now take your
+friend with you, and ask the landlord for the hundred pounds your friend
+saw you leave with him." It need not be added, that the wily landlord
+found that he had been taken off his guard, whilst the farmer returned
+exultingly to thank his counsel, with both hundreds in his pocket.
+
+
+CURRAN AND THE JUDGE.
+
+Soon after Mr. Curran had been called to the bar, on some statement of
+Judge Robinson's, the young counsel observed, that "he had never met the
+law, as laid down by his Lordship, in any book in his library." "That
+may be, sir," said the Judge; "but I suspect that your library is very
+small." Mr. Curran replied, "I find it more instructive, my Lord, to
+study good works than to compose bad ones.[1] My books may be few; but
+the title-pages give me the writers' names, and my shelf is not
+disgraced by any such rank absurdities, that their very authors are
+ashamed to own them." "Sir," said the Judge, "you are forgetting the
+respect which you owe to the dignity of the judicial character."
+"Dignity!" exclaimed Mr. Curran; "My Lord, upon that point I shall cite
+you a case from a book of some authority, with which you are, perhaps,
+not unacquainted." He then briefly recited the story of Strap, in
+_Roderick Random_, who having stripped off his coat to fight, entrusted
+it to a bystander. When the battle was over, and he was well beaten, he
+turned to resume it, but the man had carried it off. Mr. Curran thus
+applied the tale:--"So, my Lord, when the person entrusted with the
+dignity of the judgment-seat lays it aside for a moment to enter into a
+disgraceful personal contest, it is in vain when he has been worsted in
+the encounter that he seeks to resume it--it is in vain that he tries to
+shelter himself behind an authority which he has abandoned." "If you say
+another word, I'll commit you," replied the angry Judge; to which Mr. C.
+retorted, "If your Lordship shall do so, we shall both of us have the
+consolation of reflecting, that I am not the worst thing your Lordship
+has committed."
+
+
+CURRAN'S QUARREL WITH FITZGIBBON.
+
+Curran distinguished himself not more as a barrister than as a member of
+parliament; and in the latter character it was his misfortune to
+provoke the enmity of a man, whose thirst for revenge was only to be
+satiated by the utter ruin of his adversary. In the discussion of a bill
+of a penal nature, Curran inveighed in strong terms against the
+Attorney-General, Fitzgibbon, for _sleeping on the bench_ when statutes
+of the most cruel kind were being enacted; and ironically lamented that
+the slumber of guilt should so nearly resemble the repose of innocence.
+A challenge from Fitzgibbon was the consequence of this sally; and the
+parties having met, were to fire when they chose. "I never," said
+Curran, when relating the circumstances of the duel,--"I never saw any
+one whose determination seemed more malignant than Fitzgibbon's. After I
+had fired, he took aim at me for at least half a minute; and on its
+proving ineffectual, I could not help exclaiming to him, 'It was not
+your fault, Mr. Attorney; you were deliberate enough,'" The
+Attorney-General declared his honor satisfied; and here, at least for
+the time, the dispute appeared to terminate.
+
+Not here, however, terminated Fitzgibbon's animosity. Soon afterwards,
+he became Lord Chancellor, and a peer of Ireland, by the title of Lord
+Clare; and in the former capacity he found an opportunity, by means of
+his judicial authority, of ungenerously crashing the rising powers and
+fortunes of his late antagonist. Curran, who was at this time a leader,
+and one of the senior practitioners at the Chancery Bar, soon felt all
+the force of his rival's vengeance. The Chancellor is said to have
+yielded a reluctant attention to every motion he made; he frequently
+stopped him in the middle of a speech, questioned his knowledge of law,
+recommended to him more attention to facts, in short, succeeded not only
+in crippling all his professional efforts, but actually in leaving him
+without a client. Curran, indeed, appeared as usual in the three other
+courts [of the "Four Courts" at Dublin]; but he had been already
+stripped of his most profitable practice, and as his expenses nearly
+kept pace with his gains, he was almost left a beggar, for all hopes of
+the wealth and honors of the long-robe were now denied him. The memory
+of this persecution embittered the last moments of Curran's existence;
+and he could never even allude to it, without evincing a just and
+excusable indignation. In a letter which he addressed to a friend,
+twenty years after, he says, "I made no compromise with power; I had the
+merit of provoking and despising the personal malice of every man in
+Ireland who was the known enemy of the country. Without the walls of the
+court of justice, my character was pursued with the most persevering
+slander; and within those walls, though I was too strong to be beaten
+down by any judicial malignity, it was not so with my clients, and my
+consequent losses in professional income have never been estimated at
+less, as you must have often heard, than �30,000."
+
+
+HIGH AUTHORITY.
+
+Curran was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his
+colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and
+who had originally intended to take holy orders. The Judge observing
+that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical
+law,--"Then," said Curran, "I can refer your Lordship to a high
+authority behind me, who was intended for the church, though in my
+opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
+
+
+USE OF RED TAPE.
+
+Curran, when Master of the Rolls, said to Mr. Grattan, "You would be the
+greatest man of your age, Grattan, if you would buy a few yards of red
+tape, and tie up your bills and papers."
+
+
+CURRAN AND THE MASTIFF.
+
+Curran used to relate with infinite humor an adventure between him and a
+mastiff, when he was a boy. He had heard somebody say that any person
+throwing the skirts of his coat over his head, stooping low, holding out
+his arms, and creeping along backwards, might frighten the fiercest dog,
+and put him to flight. He accordingly made the attempt on a miller's
+animal in the neighborhood, who _would never let the boys rob the
+orchard_; but found to his sorrow that he had a dog to deal with which
+did not care what end of a boy went foremost, so that he could get a
+good bite out of it. "I pursued the instructions," said Curran, "and as
+I had no eyes save those in front, fancied the mastiff was in full
+retreat; but I was confoundedly mistaken; for at the very moment I
+thought myself victorious, the enemy attacked my rear, and having got a
+reasonably good mouthful out of it, was fully prepared to take another
+before I was rescued. Egad, I thought for a time the beast had devoured
+my entire centre of gravity, and that I should never go on a steady
+perpendicular again." "Upon my word," said Sir Jonah Barrington, to whom
+Curran related this story, "the mastiff may have left you your centre,
+but he could not have left much gravity behind him, among the
+by-standers."
+
+
+
+
+ARTHUR O'LEARY.
+
+
+Arthur O'Leary was born in the year 1729, at Acres in the
+parish of Fanlobbus, near Dunmanway, in the western part of the County
+of Cork. His parents were undistinguished amongst the industrious and
+oppressed peasantry, who at the time of his birth suffered under the
+operation of the penal laws. The family from which he descended was
+early distinguished in Irish history; but if his immediate ancestors
+ever enjoyed a higher rank in the social scale than that which is
+derived from successful industry, their circumstances had changed long
+before his birth, as a name which excited the respect of his countrymen,
+and a mind worthy the possessor of such a name, were the only
+inheritance of which he could boast.
+
+In the year 1747, after having acquired such share of classical
+literature as the times he lived in would permit, O'Leary went to
+France, with the intention of devoting himself to the service of the
+Catholic Church.
+
+A convent of Capuchin Friars at St. Malo in Brittany, was the school
+where O'Leary imbibed the principles of the learning, virtue, and
+philanthropy, which during a long life formed the prominent traits in
+his character. After having received holy orders, he continued to live
+in the monastery for some time.
+
+In the year 1771 he returned to Ireland, and became resident in the city
+of Cork. Shortly after his arrival there, he contributed to the erection
+of a small chapel, in which he afterwards officiated, and which was
+generally known in Cork as "Father O'Leary's Chapel." Here he preached
+on the Sundays and principal festivals of the year to persons of
+different religious persuasions who crowded it to excess when it was
+known that he was to appear in the pulpit. His sermons were chiefly
+remarkable for a happy train of strong moral reasoning, bold figure, and
+scriptural allusion.
+
+
+HIS CONTROVERSY WITH AN INFIDEL.
+
+Some time in the year 1775, a book was published, the title of which
+was--"Thoughts on Nature and Religion," which contained much gross
+blasphemy. Its author, a Scottish physician of the name of Blair,
+residing in Cork, undertook to be the champion of free-thinking in
+religion; and, under the plausible pretext of vindicating the conduct of
+Servetus in his controversy with Calvin, this writer boldly attacked
+some of the most universally received articles of the Christian Creed.
+The work attracted some share of public attention. A poetical effusion
+in verse was addressed to Blair in reply by a minister of the Protestant
+Church; and an Anabaptist minister also entered the lists with a
+pamphlet nearly as sceptical as the one he professed to answer.
+
+Father O'Leary's friends thought his style of controversy better suited
+to silence the Doctor than that of either of the tried opponents, and
+persuaded him to enter the lists. They were not disappointed. His reply
+crushed Blair; while his wit and logic and grand toleration raised him
+to the esteem and gratitude of his fellow-men. His first letter opens
+with this beautiful introduction:
+
+"Sir--Your long expected performance has at length made its appearance.
+If the work tended to promote the happiness of society, to animate our
+hopes, to subdue our passions, to instruct man in the happy science of
+purifying the polluted recesses of a vitiated heart, to confirm him in
+his exalted notion of the dignity of his nature, and thereby to inspire
+him with sentiments averse to whatever may debase the excellence of his
+origin, the public would be indebted to you; your name would be recorded
+amongst the assertors of morality and religion; and I myself, though
+brought up in a different persuasion from yours, would be the first to
+offer my incense at the shrine of merit. But the tendency of your
+performance is to deny the divinity of Christ and the immortality of the
+soul. In denying the first, you sap the foundations of religion; you cut
+off at one blow the merit of our faith, the comfort of our hope, and the
+motives of our charity. In denying the immortality of the soul, you
+degrade human nature, and confound man with the vile and perishable
+insect. In denying both, you overturn the whole system of religion,
+whether natural or revealed; and in denying religion, you deprive the
+poor of the only comfort which supports them under their distresses and
+afflictions; you wrest from the hands of the powerful and rich the only
+bridle to their injustices and passions, and pluck from the hearts of
+the guilty the greatest check to their crimes--I mean this remorse of
+conscience which can never be the result of a handful of organized
+matter; this interior monitor, which makes us blush in the morning at
+the disorders of the foregoing night; which erects in the breast of the
+tyrant a tribunal superior to his power; and whose importunate voice
+upbraids a Cain in the wilderness with the murder of his brother, and a
+Nero in his palace with that of his mother."
+
+Deploring the folly of him who thinks "his soul is no more than a
+subtile vapor, which in death is to be breathed out in the air," he
+holds that such a person should "conceal his horrid belief with more
+secrecy than the Druids concealed their mysteries. * * In doing
+otherwise, the infidel only brings disgrace on himself; for the notion
+of religion is so deeply impressed on our minds, that the bold champions
+who would fain destroy it, are considered by the generality of mankind
+as public pests, spreading disorder and mortality wherever they appear;
+and in our feelings we discover the delusions of cheating philosophy,
+which can never introduce a religion more pure than that of the
+Christian, nor confer a more glorious privilege on man than that of an
+immortal soul."
+
+
+HIS INTERVIEW WITH DR. MANN.
+
+Before he entered into a controversy with Doctor Blair, he deemed it
+prudent, owing to the state of sufferance in which Catholic priests then
+lived in Ireland, to obtain the sanction of the Protestant bishop of the
+diocese. To this end he waited on Doctor Mann at the episcopal palace.
+The interview is said to have been humorous in the extreme. O'Leary's
+figure, joined to an originality of manner, sterling wit, and an
+imagination which gave a color to every object on which it played, made
+him a visitor of no common kind; and as the bishop was not cast in the
+mould of "handsome orthodoxy," the meeting was long remembered by both
+parties. After some explanation, Doctor Mann gave his consent to the
+undertaking; in consequence of which the public were soon gratified by
+the appearance of his letters to Blair, whose discomfiture was so
+complete that he never wrote a public letter afterwards.
+
+
+CONTROVERSY WITH JOHN WESLEY.
+
+Wesley published in January, 1786, what he called, "A Letter containing
+the Civil Principles of Roman Catholics;" also, "a Defence of the
+Protestant Association." In these letters he maintained that Papists
+"ought not to be tolerated by any government--Protestant, Mohometan, or
+Pagan." In support of this doctrine, he says--
+
+"Again, those who acknowledge the spiritual power of the Pope, can give
+no security of their allegiance to any government; but all Roman
+Catholics acknowledge this: therefore they can give no security for
+their allegiance."
+
+In support of this line of argument, he treated his readers to this bit
+of lively information:--
+
+"But it might be objected, 'nothing dangerous to English liberty is to
+be apprehended from them.' I am not so certain of that. Some time since
+a Romish priest came to one I know, and after talking with her largely,
+broke out, 'You are no heretic; you have the experience of a real
+Christian.' 'And would you,' she asked, 'burn me alive?' He said, 'God
+forbid! unless it were for the good of the Church.'"
+
+In noticing which Father O'Leary humorously replies--
+
+"A priest then said to a woman, whom Mr. Wesley _knows_, 'I see you are
+no heretic; you have the experience of a real Christian.' 'And would you
+burn me?' says she. 'God forbid!' replied the priest, 'except for the
+good of the Church!' Now, this priest must be descended from some of
+those who attempted to blow up a river with gunpowder, in order to drown
+a city. Or he must have taken her for a witch, whereas, by his own
+confession, she 'was no heretic.' A gentleman whom _I know_ declared to
+me, upon his honor, that he heard Mr. Wesley repeat, in a sermon
+preached by him in the city of Cork, the following words: 'A little bird
+cried out in Hebrew, O Eternity! Eternity! who can tell the length of
+Eternity?' I am, then, of opinion that a _little Hebrew bird_ gave Mr.
+Wesley the important information about the priest and the woman. One
+story is as interesting as the other, and both are equally alarming to
+the Protestant interest."
+
+Alluding to the statute of Henry VI, which bound every Englishman of
+the Pale to shave his upper lip, or clip his whiskers, to distinguish
+himself from an Irishman, he says: "It had tended more to their mutual
+interest, and the glory of that monarch's reign, not to go to the nicety
+of _splitting a hair_, but encourage the growth of their _fleeces_, and
+inspire them with such mutual love for each other as to induce them to
+kiss one another's beards, as brothers salute each other at
+Constantinople, after a few days' absence. I am likewise of opinion that
+Mr. Wesley, who prefaces his letter with 'the interest of the Protestant
+religion,' would reflect more honor on his ministry in promoting the
+happiness of the people, by preaching love and union, than in widening
+the breach, and increasing their calamities by division. The English and
+Irish were, at that time, of the same religion, but, divided in their
+affections, were miserable. Though divided in speculative opinions, if
+united in sentiment, we would be happy. The English settlers breathed
+the vital air in England before they inhaled the soft breezes of our
+temperate climate. The present generation can say, 'Our fathers and
+grandfathers have been born, bred, and buried here. We are Irishmen, as
+the descendants of the Normans who have been born in England are
+Englishmen.'
+
+"Thus, born in an island in which the ancients might have placed their
+Hesperian gardens and golden apples, the temperature of the climate, and
+the quality of the soil inimical to poisonous insects, have cleansed our
+veins from the sour and acid blood of the Scythians and Saxons. We begin
+to open our eyes, and to learn wisdom from the experience of ages. We
+are tender-hearted; we are good-natured; we have feelings. We shed tears
+on the urns of the dead; deplore the loss of hecatombs of victims
+slaughtered on gloomy altars of religious bigotry; cry on seeing the
+ruins of cities over which fanaticism has displayed the funeral torch;
+and sincerely pity the blind zeal of our Scotch and English neighbors,
+whose constant character is to pity none, for erecting the banners of
+persecution at a time when the Inquisition is abolished in Spain and
+Milan, and the Protestant gentry are caressed at Rome, and live
+unmolested in the luxuriant plains of France and Italy.
+
+"The statute of Henry VI is now grown obsolete. The razor of calamity
+has shaved our lower and upper lips, and given us smooth faces. Our land
+is uncultivated; our country a desert; our natives are forced into the
+service of foreign kings, storming towns, and in the very heat of
+slaughter tempering Irish courage with Irish mercy. All our misfortunes
+flow from long-reigning intolerance and the storms which, gathering
+first in the Scotch and English atmosphere, never failed to burst over
+our heads.
+
+"We are too wise to quarrel about religion. The Roman Catholics sing
+their psalms in Latin, with a few inflections of the voice. Our
+Protestant neighbors sing the same psalms in English, on a larger scale
+of musical notes. We never quarrel with our honest and worthy neighbors,
+the Quakers, for not singing at all; nor shall we ever quarrel with Mr.
+Wesley for raising his voice to heaven, and warbling forth his canticles
+on whatever tune he pleases, whether it be the tune of 'Guardian Angels'
+or 'Langolee.' We love social harmony, and in civil music hate
+discordance. Thus, when we go to the shambles, we never inquire into the
+butcher's religion, but into the quality of his meat. We care not
+whether the ox was fed in the Pope's territories, or on the mountains of
+Scotland, provided the joint be good; for though there be many heresies
+in old books, we discover neither heresy nor superstition in beef or
+claret. We divide them cheerfully with one another; and though of
+different religions, we sit over the bowl with as much cordiality as if
+we were at a love-feast."
+
+He concludes with the following remarkable paragraph, in which humor,
+eloquence, and philanthropy, are happily blended--a paragraph worthy the
+Honorary Chaplain of the Irish Brigade;--
+
+"We have obtained of late the privilege of planting tobacco in Ireland,
+and tobacconists want paper. Let Mr. Wesley then come with me, as the
+curate and barber went to shave and bless the library of Don Quixote.
+All the old books, old canons, sermons, and so forth, tending to kindle
+feuds, or promote rancor, let us fling out at the windows. Society will
+lose nothing: the tobacconists will benefit by the spoils of antiquity.
+And if, upon mature deliberation we decree that Mr. Wesley's 'Journal,'
+and his apology for the Association's 'Appeal,' should share the same
+fate with the old buckrams, we will procure them a gentle fall. After
+having rocked ourselves in the large and hospitable cradle of the _Free
+Press_, where the peer and the commoner, the priest and the alderman,
+the friar and the swaddler,[2] can stretch themselves at full length,
+provided they be not too churlish, let us laugh at those who breed
+useless quarrels, and set to the world the bright example of toleration
+and benevolence. A peaceable life and happy death to all Adam's
+children! May the ministers of religion of every denomination, whether
+they pray at the head of their congregations in embroidered vestments or
+black gowns, short coats, grey locks, powdered wigs, or black curls,
+instead of inflaming the rabble, and inspiring their hearers with hatred
+and animosity to their fellow-creatures, recommend love, peace, and
+harmony."
+
+
+MEETING OF O'LEARY AND WESLEY.
+
+"In a short time after this controversy had concluded, the parties met
+at the house of a mutual friend. Their different publications were
+mentioned; but kindness and sincere good feeling towards each other
+softened down the asperities of sectarian repulsiveness; and after an
+evening spent in a manner highly entertaining and agreeable, they
+parted, each expressing his esteem for the other, and both giving the
+example, that public difference on a religious or political subject is
+quite consistent with the exercise of the duties of personal kindness
+and esteem. Wesley is said, in this instance, to have relaxed into a
+most agreeable companion; and O'Leary, by his wit, archness, and
+information, was an inexhaustible source of delight, entertainment, and
+instruction."
+
+
+DR. O'LEARY AND FATHER CALLANAN.
+
+Dr. O'Leary, though with great talents for a controversialist, always
+sedulously avoided the angry theme of religious disputation. Once,
+however, notwithstanding his declared aversion to polemics, he was led
+into a controversy. While he was at Cork, he received a letter through
+the Post Office, the writer of which, in terms expressive of the utmost
+anxiety, stated that he was a clergyman of the established church, on
+whose mind impressions favorable to the Catholic Creed had been made by
+some of O'Leary's sermons. The writer then professing his enmity to
+angry controversy, wished to seek further information on some articles
+of the Catholic creed. His name he forbore to reveal. O'Leary, anxious
+to propagate the doctrine of his Church, replied in a manner perfectly
+satisfactory to his anonymous correspondent. Other doubts were
+expressed, and dissipated, until the correspondence had extended to
+eight or ten long letters.
+
+O'Leary, in joy at his supposed triumph, whispered the important secret
+to a few ecclesiastical confidants; among whom was his bosom friend, the
+Rev. Lawrence Callanan, a Francisan friar, of Cork. Their
+congratulations and approbation were not wanting, to urge forward the
+champion of orthodoxy. His arguments bore all before them; even the
+obstacles arising from family and legal notions, were disregarded by the
+enthusiastic convert, and he besought O'Leary to name a time and place,
+at which he might lift the mysterious vizor by which he had hitherto
+been concealed; and above all, have an opportunity of expressing his
+gratitude to his friend and teacher.
+
+The appointed hour arrived. O'Leary arranged his orthodox wig, put on
+his Sunday suit of sable, and sallied forth with all collected gravity
+of a man fully conscious of the novelty and responsibility of the
+affair in which he was engaged. He arrived at the appointed place of
+meeting some minutes after the fixed time, and was told that a
+respectable clergyman awaited his arrival in an adjoining parlor.
+O'Leary enters the room, where he finds, sitting at the table, with the
+whole correspondence before him, his brother friar, Lawrence Callanan,
+who, either from an eccentric freak, or from a wish to call O'Leary's
+controversial powers into action, had thus drawn him into a lengthened
+correspondence. The joke, in O'Leary's opinion, however, was carried too
+far, and it required the sacrifice of the correspondence and the
+interference of mutual friends; to effect a reconciliation.
+
+
+O'LEARY AND THE QUAKERS.
+
+In his "Plea for Liberty of Conscience," Father O'Leary pays the
+following high tribute to that sect:--
+
+"The Quakers," said he, "to their eternal credit, and to the honor of
+humanity, are the only persons who have exhibited a meekness and
+forbearance, worthy the imitation of those who have entered into a
+covenant of mercy by their baptism. William Penn, the great Legislator
+of that people, had the success of a conqueror in establishing and
+defending his colony amongst savage tribes, without ever drawing the
+sword; the goodness of the most benevolent rulers in treating his
+subjects as his own children; and the tenderness of a universal father,
+who opened his arms to all mankind without distinction of sect or party.
+In his republic, it was not the religious creed but personal merit, that
+entitled every member of society to the protection and emoluments of the
+State. Rise from your grave, great man! and teach those sovereigns who
+make their subjects miserable on account of their catechisms, the method
+of making them happy. They! whose dominions resemble enormous prisons,
+where one part of the creation are distressed captives, and the other
+their unpitying keepers."
+
+
+HIS RECEPTION AT THE ROTUNDO BY THE VOLUNTEERS.
+
+"It was impossible that the high and distinguished claims to respect and
+esteem which O'Leary possessed, should escape unnoticed by the Volunteer
+association. Never was a more glorious era in the history of Ireland,
+than whilst the wealth, valor, and genius of her inhabitants became
+combined for the welfare of their country--whilst every citizen was a
+soldier, and every paltry political or sectarian difference and
+distinction was lost in the full glow and fervor of the great
+constitutional object, which roused the energies and fixed the attention
+of the people. It was a spectacle worthy the proudest days of Greece or
+Rome; but it passed away like the sudden gleam of a summer sun. O'Leary
+was exceeded by none of his contemporaries as a patriot: but, though the
+coarse and misshapen habit of a poor friar of the order of St. Francis
+forebade his intrusion into the more busy scene of national politics,
+his pen was not inactive in enlightening and directing his countrymen in
+their constitutional pursuits. A highly respectable body of the
+Volunteers, the _Irish Brigade_, conferred on him the honorary dignity
+of Chaplain; and many of the measures discussed at the National
+Convention held in Dublin, had been previously submitted to his
+consideration and judgment. On the 11th of November, 1783, the same day
+on which the message said to be from Lord Kenmare was read at the
+National Convention, then, holding its meetings in the Rotundo, Father
+O'Leary visited that celebrated assemblage. At his arrival at the outer
+door, the entire guard of the Volunteers received him under a full
+salute, and rested arms: he was ushered into the meeting amidst the
+cheers of the assembled delegates; and in the course of the debate which
+followed, his name was mentioned in the most flattering and
+complimenting manner, by most of the speakers. On his journey from Cork
+to the Capital on that occasion, his arrival had been anticipated in
+Kilkenny, where he remained to dine; and in consequence, the street in
+which the hotel at which he stopped was situate, was filled from an
+early hour with persons of every class, who sought to pay a testimony of
+respect to an individual, whose writings had so powerfully tended to
+promote the welfare and happiness of his countrymen."
+
+
+O'LEARY AND JOHN O'KEEFE.
+
+In the _Recollections of John O'Keefe_, the following anecdote is
+related:--
+
+"In 1775 I was in company with Father O'Leary, at the house of Flynn,
+the printer in Cork. O'Leary had a fine smooth brogue; his learning was
+extensive, and his wit brilliant. He was tall and thin, with, a long,
+pale, and pleasant visage, smiling and expressive. His dress was an
+entire suit of brown, of the old shape; a narrow stock, tight about his
+neck; his wig amply powdered, with a high poking foretop. In the year,
+1791, my son Tottenham and I met him in St. James's Park, (London,) at
+the narrow entrance near Spring Gardens. A few minutes after, we were
+joined accidentally by Jemmy Wilder, well known in Dublin--once the
+famous Macheath, in Smock Alley--a worthy and respectable character, of
+a fine, bold, athletic figure, but violent and extravagant in his mode
+of acting. He had quitted the stage, and commenced picture-dealer; and
+when we met him in the Park, was running after a man, who, he said, had
+bought a picture of Rubens for three shillings and sixpence at a
+broker's stall in Drury-lane, and which was to make his (Wilder's)
+fortune. Our loud laughing at O'Leary's jokes, and his Irish brogue, and
+our stopping up the pathway, which is here very narrow, brought a crowd
+about us. O'Leary was very fond of the drama, and delighted in the
+company of the 'Glorious Boys,' as he called the actors--particularly
+that of Johnny Johnstone, for his fine singing in a room."
+
+
+O'LEARY AND THE IRISH PARLIAMENT.
+
+On the 26th February, 1782, the following interesting debate took place,
+the subject under consideration being a clause in the Catholic Bill
+directed against the friars:--
+
+"Sir Lucius O'Brien said, he did not approve of the regulars, though his
+candor must acknowledge that many men amongst them have displayed great
+abilities. Ganganelli (Clement XIV) and the Reverend Doctor Arthur
+O'Leary are distinguished among the Franciscans; and many great men have
+been produced in the Benedictine order. He saw no temptation that
+regulars had for coming here, if it was not to abandon certain
+competence where they were, for certain poverty in this kingdom.
+
+"Mr. Grattan said, he could not hear the name of Father O'Leary
+mentioned without paying him that tribute of acknowledgment so justly
+due to his merit. At the time that this very man lay under the censure
+of a law which, in his own country, made him subject to transportation
+or death, from religious distinctions; and at the time that a prince of
+his own religion threatened this country with an invasion, this
+respectable character took up his pen, and unsolicited, and without a
+motive but that of real patriotism, to urge his own communion to a
+disposition of peace, and to support the law which had sentenced him to
+transportation. A man of learning--a philosopher--a Franciscan--did the
+most eminent service to his country in the hour of its greatest danger.
+He brought out a publication that would do honor to the most celebrated
+name. The whole kingdom must bear witness to its effect, by the
+reception they gave it. Poor in everything but genius and philosophy, he
+had no property at stake, no family to fear for; but descending from the
+contemplation of wisdom, and abandoning the ornaments of fancy, he
+humanely undertook the task of conveying duty and instruction to the
+lowest class of the people. If I did not know him (continued Mr.
+Grattan) to be a Christian clergyman, I should suppose him by his works
+to be a philosopher of the Augustine age. The regulars are a harmless
+body of men, and should not be disturbed.
+
+"Mr. St. George declared, notwithstanding his determined opposition to
+the regulars, he would, for the sake of one exalted character of their
+body, be tolerant to the rest. But he, at the same time, would uniformly
+oppose the tolerating any more regular clergy than what were at present
+in the kingdom.
+
+"Mr. Yelverton said, that he was proud to call such a man as Dr. O'Leary
+his particular friend. His works might be placed upon a footing with the
+finest writers of the age. They originated from the urbanity of the
+heart; because unattached to the world's affairs, he could have none but
+the purest motives of rendering service to the cause of morality and his
+country. Had he not imbibed every sentiment of toleration before he knew
+Father O'Leary, he should be proud to adopt sentiments of toleration
+from him. He should yield to the sense of the committee in respect to
+the limitation of regulars; because, he believed, no invitation which
+could be held out would bring over another O'Leary."
+
+"In a more advanced stage of the Catholic Bill, on the 5th of March,
+these eulogies gave rise to some words between 'the rival orators,' as
+Messrs. Flood and Grattan were then designated in parliament. 'I am not,'
+said Flood towards the end of a speech, 'the missionary of a religion I
+do not profess; nor do I speak eulogies on characters I will not
+imitate.' No challenge of this nature ever was given by either of these
+great men in vain. Mr. Grattan spoke at some length to the subject under
+debate, and concluded in these words: 'Now, one word respecting Dr.
+O'Leary. Something has been said about eulogies pronounced, and
+missionaries of religion. I am not ashamed of the part which I took in
+that gentleman's panegyric; nor shall I ever think it a disgrace to pay
+the tribute of praise to the philosopher and the virtuous man.'"
+
+
+HIS INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL DANSER.
+
+Father O'Leary, when in London, had a great desire to see Daniel Danser;
+but finding access to the king of misers very difficult, invented a
+singular plan to gain his object. He sent a message to the miser, to the
+effect that he had been in the Indies, become acquainted with a man of
+immense wealth named Danser, who had died intestate, and, without a
+shadow of doubt, was a relative of his. It may be that a recent dream,
+coupled with the troubled state of the palm of his right hand, had their
+share in inducing Daniel to allow the witty friar into his apartment.
+Once entered, O'Leary contrived to sit down without depriving Mr. Danser
+of the least portion of his dust, which, seemed to please him much; for
+Daniel held that cleaning furniture was an invention of the enemy; that
+it only helped to wear it out; consequently, regarded his dust as the
+protector of his household gods. Daniel's fond dreams of wealth from the
+Indies being dispelled, O'Leary began to console him by an historical
+review of the Danser family, whose genealogy he traced from David, who
+_danced_ before the Israelites, down to the Welsh _jumpers_, then
+contemporaries of _dancing_ notoriety. His wit triumphed: for a moment
+the sallow brow of avarice became illumined by the indications of a
+delighted mind, and _Danser_ had courage enough to invite his visitor to
+partake of a glass of wine, which, he said, he would procure for his
+refreshment. A cordial shake hands was the return made for O'Leary's
+polite refusal of so expensive a compliment; and he came from the house
+followed by its strange tenant, who, to the amusement of O'Leary, and
+the astonishment of the only other person who witnessed the scene,
+solicited the favor of another visit.
+
+
+A FOP.
+
+"The "two-edged sword of wit," as that faculty has been termed, was
+wielded by O'Leary in the more serious circumstances of life, as well as
+in its playful hours. An instance where the painful exercise of this was
+happily spared, occurred at one of the meetings of the English
+Catholics, during the celebrated _Blue Book_ Controversy. One of the
+individuals who was expected to advocate the objectionable designation
+of "protesting Catholic dissenters," an appellation equally ludicrous
+and unnecessary, was remarkable for an affected mode of public speaking.
+What in dress is termed _foppish_, would be appropriate as applied to
+his oratory. He was no admirer of O'Leary, and the feeling of dislike
+was as mutual as could well be conceived. Him, therefore, O'Leary
+selected as the opponent with whom he meant to grapple. Those to whom
+he communicated his intention, and who knew his powers, looked forward
+with expectation "on tiptoe" for a scene of enjoyment that no
+anticipation could exaggerate. Disappointment was, however, their lot.
+The meeting passed over quietly, and neither the objectionable matter
+nor speaker was brought forward. However much his friends regretted this
+circumstance, O'Leary was himself sincerely pleased; for he never
+desired to give unnecessary pain. The gentlemen in concert with whom he
+acted, dined together after the meeting, and the conversation happening
+to turn on the disappointment which they had experienced in the result
+of the debate, one of them who knew O'Leary intimately, inquired what
+line of argument he had intended to pursue, if the meeting had assumed
+the objectionable aspect which was dreaded--this was applying the torch
+to gunpowder: he commenced an exhibition of the ludicrous so like what
+would have taken place, so true in manner and matter to what every one
+who knew the parties could anticipate, that the assemblage was convulsed
+with laughter to a degree that made it memorable in the recollections of
+all who witnessed it."
+
+
+HIS PERSON AND MODE OF ARGUMENT.
+
+Mr. Butler, in his Historical Memoirs, describes O'Leary's person and
+mode of argument thus:--
+
+"The appearance of Father O'Leary was simple. In his countenance there
+was a mixture of goodness, solemnity, and drollery, which fixed every
+eye that beheld it. No one was more generally loved or revered; no one
+less assuming or more pleasing in his manner. Seeing his external
+simplicity, persons with whom he was arguing were sometimes tempted to
+treat him cavalierly; but then the solemnity with which he would mystify
+his adversary, and ultimately lead him into the most distressing
+absurdity was one of the most delightful scenes that conversation ever
+exhibited."
+
+
+O'LEARY AND "CAPTAIN ROCK."
+
+In Tom Moore's "Memoirs of Captain Rock," the outlaw gives the following
+humorous sketch:--
+
+"The appearance of Father Arthur at our little chapel was quite
+unexpected. We had heard, indeed, that he was proceeding through distant
+parts of the country, but we had no idea that he would pay us a visit.
+The mind of man is a strange compound of opposite passion. I had
+everything to apprehend from the poor friar's preaching; yet, strange as
+it may appear, I was almost willing to have all my bright scenes
+overturned, provided I could have the pleasure to see and hear the
+celebrated Father O'Leary. He opposed our designs, disapproved of our
+motives, and censured our intentions; yet without having ever seen him,
+we loved--almost adored him. Fame had wafted his name even to Rockglen;
+and how could we but venerate a man who had exalted the character of
+Irishmen, vindicated our oppressed country, and obtained from the ranks
+of Protestantism, friends for our insulted creed.
+
+"Besides, he was peculiarly adapted to our taste. He made the world
+laugh at the foibles of our enemies, and put us in good humor with
+ourselves. It was not, therefore, without some slight satisfaction that
+we were informed from the altar that the good friar meant to address us
+on our manifold transgressions. Never did men manifest such eagerness to
+receive reproof. At the sound of his name, there was a general rush
+towards the altar. The old women, for the first time in their lives,
+ceased coughing, and the old men desisted from spitting. The short
+people were elevated on their toes, and the tall people suffered their
+hats (felt ones) to be crushed as flat as pancakes, sooner then
+incommode their neighbors--a degree of politeness seldom practised in
+more polished assemblies. All breathed short and thick; and much as we
+venerated our good priest, we fancied he was particularly tedious in the
+lecture he thought fit to read us on our neglecting to go to confession,
+and on our dilatoriness in paying the last Easter dues. At length he
+concluded by announcing Father O'Leary."
+
+
+LOTS DRAWN TO HAVE HIM AT DINNER
+
+In 1779, O'Leary visited Dublin on business connected with a bill before
+parliament, which aimed at the destruction of the friars. During his
+visit to Dublin, at this period, the following circumstance, quite
+characteristic of O'Leary, is said to have taken place. He accidentally
+met, in the lobby of the House of Commons, the late Lord Avonmore, then
+Mr. Yelverton, and two gentlemen, members of the legislature; who, on
+his appearance, entered into a friendly altercation to determine with
+which of them O'Leary should, on the next day, share the splendid
+hospitality which reigned in the metropolis during the sessions of
+parliament. It was at length decided that the prize of his unrivalled
+wit and sociability should be determined by lot. O'Leary was an amused
+and silent spectator of the contest. The fortunate winner was
+congratulated on his success; and the rivals separated to meet on the
+morrow.
+
+When the hour of dinner was come, O'Leary forgot which of his three
+friends was to be his host.
+
+It was too late to make formal inquiries; and, as he was the honored
+guest, he dared not absent himself. In this difficulty, his ready
+imagination suggested an expedient. His friends, he recollected, lived
+in the same square, and he therefore, some short time after the usual
+dinner hour, sent a servant to inquire at each of the houses--'if Father
+O'Leary was there?' At the two first, where application was made, the
+reply was in the negative; but at the last, the porter answered, that
+'he was not there; but that dinner was ordered to be kept back, as he
+was every moment expected.' Thus directed, 'Father Arthur's' apology for
+delay was a humorous and detailed account of his expedient--the evening
+flew quickly away on the wings of eloquence and wit, and the laughable
+incident was long remembered and frequently repeated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Father O'Leary's great intimacy with the leading Protestants of London,
+gave rise to a rumor that he, like Lord Dunboyne and Mr. Kirwin, had
+read his recantation. He contradicts it in the following letter:--
+
+"_London, June_ 5, 1790.
+
+"Sir--A confusion of names gave rise, some months ago, to a
+mistake copied from the _Dublin Evening Post_ into the _Bath Chronicle_,
+and other papers in this kingdom, viz., that 'I had read my recantation
+in St. Werburgh's church in Dublin.' Thus a mistake has changed me into
+a conformist, though I never changed my creed.
+
+"If in reality the tenets of my Church were such as prejudice and
+ignorance proclaim them:--if they taught me that a papal dispensation
+could sanctify guilt, sanction conspiracies, murders, the extirpation of
+my fellow-creatures on account of difference of religious opinions,
+perjury to promote the Catholic cause, by pious breaches of allegiance
+to Protestant kings, or rebellion against their government;--if it were
+an article of my belief that a priestly absolution without sorrow for my
+sins, or a resolution of amendment, had the power of a charm to reclaim
+me to the state of unoffending infancy, and enable me, like Milton's
+devil, to leap from the gulf of sin into paradise without purifying my
+heart or changing my affections;--if it were an article of my faith that
+the grace of an indulgence could give me the extraordinary privilege of
+sinning without guilt or offending without punishment;--if it inculcated
+any maxim evasive of moral rectitude:--in a word, if the features of my
+religion corresponded with the pictures drawn of it in flying pamphlets
+and anniversary declamations, I would consider myself and the rest of my
+fraternity as downright idiots, wickedly stupid, to remain one hour in a
+state which deprives us of our rights as citizens, whereas such an
+accommodating scheme would make them not only attainable, but certain.
+
+"Your correspondent does me the honor to rank me with Lord Dunboyne,
+formerly titular Bishop of Cork, and with Mr. Kirwan. If they have
+changed their religion from a thorough conviction of its falsehood,
+they have done well. It is the duty of every sincere admirer after truth
+to comply with the immediate dictates of his conscience, in embracing
+that religion which he believes most acceptable to God. Deplorable,
+indeed, must be the state of the man who lives in wilful error. For,
+however an all-wise God may hereafter dispose of those who err in their
+honesty, and whose error, is involuntary and invincible, surely no road
+can be right to the wretch who walks in it against conviction. A
+thorough conviction, then, that I am in the right road to eternal life,
+if my moral conduct corresponds with my speculative belief, keeps me
+within the pale of my Church in direct opposition to my temporal
+interest; and no Protestant nobleman or gentleman of my acquaintance
+esteems me the less for adhering to my creed, knowing that a Catholic
+and an honest man are not contradictory terms.
+
+"I do not consider Lord Dunboyne as a model after whom I should copy.
+With his silver locks, and at an age when persons who had devoted
+themselves to the service of the altar in their early days, should, like
+the Emperor Charles V, rather think of their coffins than the nuptial
+couch, that prelate married a young woman. Whether the glowing love of
+truth or Hymen's torch induced him to change the Roman Pontifical for
+the Book of Common Prayer, and the psalms he and I often sang together
+for a bridal hymn, his own conscience is the most competent to
+determine: certain however, it is, that, if the charms of the fair sex
+can captivate an old bishop to such a degree as to induce him to
+renounce his Breviary, similar motives, and the prospect of
+aggrandizement, may induce a young ecclesiastic to change his cassock.
+
+"Having from my early days accustomed myself to get the mastery over
+ambition and love--the two passions that in every age have enslaved the
+greatest heroes--your correspondent may rest assured that I am not one
+of the trio mentioned in this letter.--Arthur O'Leary."
+
+
+O'LEARY AND THE RECTOR.
+
+A Protestant rector invited O'Leary to see his parish church, a building
+remarkable for its architectural beauty. While the friar was viewing the
+building, the rector thought he was contrasting its nakedness with the
+interior beauty of the Roman Catholic churches, and observed: "You
+perceive, Mr. O'Leary," said he, "that, different from you, we are very
+sparing of ornaments in our churches; we have neither paintings nor
+statuary to attract the worshipper's attention." "Ah!" replied O'Leary,
+with an arch smile, "you are _young housekeepers_, you know."
+
+
+LADY MORGAN.
+
+Lady Morgan, in her "Wild Irish Girl," speaking of "Father John,"
+chaplain of the Prince of Coolavin, says:--"Father John was modelled on
+the character of the Dean of Sligo, Dr. Flynn, one of those learned,
+liberal, and accomplished gentlemen of the Irish Catholic hierarchy of
+that day, whom foreign travel and education, and consequent intercourse
+with European society and opinions, sent back to Ireland for its
+advantage and illustration, thus turning the penalties of its shallow
+and jealous government into a national benefit. At the head of this
+distinguished order stood the illustrious Father O'Leary, the Catholic
+Dean Swift of his time, the champion of peace, and the eloquent preacher
+of Christian charity. His noble works live to attest his fitness to
+counsel his country for her good, while his brilliant wit kept up her
+reputation for that splendid gift which penal statutes can neither give
+nor take away."
+
+
+A BATCH OF INTERESTING ANECDOTES.
+
+In his "Personal Sketches," Sir Jonah Barrington gives us a portrait of
+Father O'Leary:--
+
+"I frequently had an opportunity of meeting at my father-in-law Mr.
+Grogan's, where he often dined, a most worthy priest, Father O'Leary,
+and have listened frequently, with great zest, to anecdotes which he
+used to tell with a quaint yet spirited humor, quite unique. His manner,
+his air, his countenance, all bespoke wit, talent, and a good heart. I
+liked his company excessively, and have often regretted I did not
+cultivate his acquaintance more, or recollect his witticisms better. It
+was singular, but it was a fact, that even before Father O'Leary opened
+his lips, a stranger would say, 'That is an Irishman,' and, at the same
+time, guess him to be a priest.
+
+"One anecdote in particular I remember. Coming from St. Omers, he told
+us, he stopped a few days to visit a brother-priest in the town of
+Boulogne-sur-Mer. Here he heard of a great curiosity, which all people
+were running to see--curious bear that some fishermen had taken at sea
+out of a wreck; it had sense, and attempted to utter a sort of _lingo_,
+which they called _patois_, but which nobody understood.
+
+"O'Leary gave his six sous to see the wonder which was shown at the port
+by candle-light, and was a very odd kind of animal, no doubt. The bear
+had been taught a hundred tricks, all to be performed at the keeper's
+word of command. It was late in the evening when O'Leary saw him, and
+the bear seemed sulky; the keeper, however, with a short spike fixed at
+the end of a pole, made him move about briskly. He marked on sand what
+o'clock it was, with his paw; and distinguished the men and women in a
+very comical way: in fact, our priest was quite diverted. The beast at
+length grew tired--the keeper hit him with the pole--he stirred a
+little, but continued quite sullen; his master coaxed him--no! he would
+not work! At length, the brute of a keeper gave him two or three sharp
+pricks with the goad, when he roared out most tremendously, and rising
+on his hind-legs, swore at his tormentors in very good native Irish.
+O'Leary waited no longer, but went immediately to the mayor, whom he
+informed that the blackguard fishermen had sewed up a poor Irishman in a
+bear's-skin, and were showing him about for six sous! The civic
+dignitary, who had himself seen the bear, would not believe our friend.
+At last, O'Leary prevailed on him to accompany him to the room. On their
+arrival, the bear was still on duty, and O'Leary stepped up to him,
+says:--'_Cianos tha'n thu, a Phadhrig_?' (How d'ye do, Pat?) '_Slan, go
+raimh math agut_!' (Pretty well, thank you,) says the bear. The people
+were surprised to hear how plainly he spoke--but the mayor ordered him
+directly to be ripped up; and after some opposition, and a good deal of
+difficulty, Pat stepped forth stark naked out of the bear's-skin wherein
+he had been fourteen or fifteen days most cleverly stitched. The women
+made off--the men stood astonished--and the mayor ordered his keepers to
+be put in goal unless they satisfied him; but that was presently done.
+The bear afterwards told O'Leary that he was very well fed, and did not
+care much about the clothing; only they worked him too hard: the
+fishermen had found him at sea on a hencoop, which had saved him from
+going to the bottom, with a ship wherein he had a little venture of
+dried cod from Dungarvan, and which was bound from Waterford to Bilboa.
+He could not speak a word of any language but Irish, and had never been
+at sea before: the fishermen had brought him in, fed him well, and
+endeavored to repay themselves by showing him as a curiosity.
+
+"O'Leary's mode of telling this story was quite admirable. I never heard
+any anecdote (and I believe this one to be true) related with such
+genuine drollery, which was enhanced by his not changing a muscle
+himself, while every one of his hearers was in a paroxysm of laughter.
+
+"Another anecdote he used to tell with incomparable dramatic humor. By
+the bye, all his stories were somehow national; and this gives me
+occasion to remark, that I think Ireland is, at this moment, as little
+known in many parts of the Continent as it seems to have been then. I
+have myself heard it more than once spoken of as an _English town_. At
+Nancy, where Father O'Leary was travelling, his native country happened
+to be mentioned when one of the party, a quiet French farmer of
+Burgundy, asked, in an unassuming tone, 'If Ireland stood _encore_?'
+'Encore,' said an astonished John Bull, a courier coming from
+Germany--'encore! to be sure she does; we have her yet, I assure you,
+monsieur.' 'Though neither very safe, nor very sound,' interposed an
+officer of the Irish Brigade, who happened to be present, looking very
+significantly at O'Leary, and not very complacently at the courier. 'And
+pray, monsieur,' rejoined John Bull to the Frenchman, 'why _encore_?'
+'_Pardon, monsieur_,' replied the Frenchman, 'I heard it had been worn
+out (_fatigue_) long ago, by the great number of people that were living
+in it.' The fact is, the Frenchman had been told, and really understood,
+that Ireland was a large house, where the English were wont to send
+their idle vagabonds, and from whence they were drawn out again, as they
+were wanted, to fill the ranks of the army."
+
+
+A DOG'S RELIGION.
+
+One day, while walking in the suburbs of the city of Cork, he met the
+Rev. Mr. Flack, a Protestant clergyman, and Mr. Solomons, a Jew--both
+friends of his Mr. Flack's dog was running on before them. "Good
+morrow, friends," said O'Leary. "Well, what interesting topic engages
+your attention now?" "To be candid with you," replied the clergyman, "we
+were just conjecturing what religion this dog of mine would be likely to
+embrace, if it were possible for him to choose." "Strange subject,
+indeed," said O'Leary; "but were I to offer an opinion, I would venture
+to say he would become a Protestant!" "How," asked the Protestant
+clergyman and the Jew. "Why," replied O'Leary, "he would not be a Jew,
+for, you know, he would retain his passion for pork: he would not become
+a Catholic, for I am quite certain he would eat meat on a Friday. What
+religion, then, could he become, but a Protestant!"
+
+
+HOWARD, THE PHILANTHROPIST, AND MR. HENRY SHEARS.
+
+"About this time it was," says his biographer, "that the philanthropist
+Howard, led by his benevolent enthusiasm to fathom dungeons, vindicate
+the wrongs, and alleviate the sufferings of the lonely and forgotten
+victim of vice and crime, arrived at Cork. A society had for some years
+existed in that city 'for the relief and discharge of persons confined
+for small debts,' of which O'Leary was an active and conspicuous member.
+This association had its origin in the humane mind of Henry Shears,
+Esq., the father of two distinguished victims to the political
+distractions of their country in 1798: and a literary production of that
+gentleman, which in its style and matter emulated the elegance and
+morality of Addison, strengthened and matured the benevolent
+institution. During Mr. Howard's stay in Cork, he was introduced to
+O'Leary by their common friend, Archdeacon Austen. Two such minds
+required but an opportunity to admire and venerate each other; and
+frequently, in after times, Howard boasted of sharing the friendship and
+esteem of the friar."
+
+
+HIS HABITS OF STUDY--HIS INFLUENCE.
+
+"In the midst of the cares and distractions," says his biographer, "to
+which the active duties of the ministry subjected O'Leary, he still
+indulged his usual habits of study. No unexpected visitor ever found him
+unoccupied: his reading was extensive, profound, and incessant; and his
+hours of silence and retreat as many as he could abstract from the
+necessary and inevitable claim of his flock, or could deny to the kind
+importunity of his numerous and respectable acquaintance. Few men ever
+possessed the power of enjoying an extensive influence over public
+opinion more than O'Leary. Every thing he said or wrote was by every one
+admired. The wise and learned were delighted with the original and
+correct views which he took of every subject that employed his mind;
+whilst the amiable simplicity of his manners, the endearing kindness of
+his disposition, and the worth, purity, and uprightness of his life and
+conduct, were claims to regard that could neither be denied nor
+unattended to. It is, therefore, to be lamented that such transcendent
+faculties should have remained suspended or inactive, or been, for a
+moment, diverted in their application from their appropriate object or
+natural sphere--the moral correction of the age."
+
+
+EDMOND BURKE.
+
+On Father O'Leary's arrival in London he was anxiously sought after by
+his countrymen residing in that capital, who all felt gratified by
+every opportunity which offered itself, of paying respect to one who had
+done so much honor to religion and their country. Mr. Edmond Burke was
+very marked in the regard which he manifested to O'Leary.--It was, in
+fact, impossible, after an evening spent in his society, not to seek at
+every future opportunity a renewal of the delight which his wit,
+pleasantly, and wisdom afforded.
+
+
+HIS CHARITY.
+
+Like Dean Swift, Father O'Leary relieved, every Monday morning, a number
+of reduced roomkeepers and working men. The average of his weekly
+charity amounted to two, sometimes three pounds--though he had no income
+except that derived from the contributions of those who frequented the
+poor Capuchin little chapel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After the publication of his "Essay on Toleration," Father O'Leary was
+elected a member of the "Monks of St. Patrick," which took its rise
+under the auspices of that great lawyer, Lord Avonmore, then Mr.
+Yelverton. As a return for the honor thus conferred on him, he expressed
+his gratitude in the dedication of his various productions, which he
+collected together, and published in 1781.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At one of the meetings of the English Catholic Board, whilst O'Leary was
+addressing the chairman, the late Lord Petre, it was suggested by the
+noble president that the speaker was entering on topics not calculated
+to promote the unanimity of the assembly. O'Leary, however, persevered:
+on which Lord Petre interrupted him, adding, "Mr. O'Leary, I regret much
+to see that you are _out of order_." The reply was equally quick and
+characteristic--"I thank you for your anxiety, my lord; but I assure you
+_I never was in letter health in my life_." The archness of manner with
+which these words were uttered was triumphant, and every unpleasant
+feeling was lost in the mirth which was necessarily excited.
+
+
+O'LEARY VERSUS CURRAN.
+
+In the "Reminiscences" of the celebrated singer and composer, Michael
+Kelly, the following interesting anecdotes are given: "I had the
+pleasure to be introduced to my worthy countryman, the Rev. Father
+O'Leary, the well-known Roman Catholic priest; he was a man of infinite
+wit, of instructing and amusing conversation. I felt highly honored by
+the notice of this pillar of the Roman Church; our tastes were
+congenial, for his reverence was mighty fond of whisky-punch, and so was
+I; and many a jug of Saint Patrick's eye-water, night after night, did
+his Reverence and myself enjoy, chatting over the exhilarating and
+national beverage. He sometimes favored me with his company at dinner;
+when he did, I always had a corned shoulder of mutton for him, for he,
+like some others of his countrymen who shall be nameless, was
+marvellously fond of that dish.
+
+"One day the facetious John Philpot Curran, who was very partial to the
+said corned mutton, did me the honor to meet him. To enjoy the society
+of such men was an intellectual treat. They were great friends, and
+seemed to have a mutual respect for each other's talents and, as it may
+be easily imagined, O'Leary versus Curran was no bad match.
+
+"One day, after dinner, Curran said to him, 'Reverend father, I wish you
+were Saint Peter.'
+
+"'And why, Counsellor, would you wish that I were Saint Peter?' asked
+O'Leary.
+
+"'Because, reverend father, in that case,' said Curran, 'you would have
+the keys of heaven, and you could _let me in_.'
+
+"'By my honor and conscience, Counsellor,' replied the divine, 'it would
+be better for you if I had the keys of the other place, for then I could
+_let you out_' Curran enjoyed the joke, which, he admitted, had a good
+deal of justice in it."
+
+
+HIS TRIUMPH OVER DR. JOHNSON.
+
+"O'Leary told us of a whimsical triumph which he once enjoyed over the
+celebrated Dr. Johnson. O'Leary was very anxious to be introduced to
+that learned man, and Mr. Arthur Murphy took him one morning to the
+doctor's lodgings. On his entering the room, the doctor viewed him from
+top to toe, without taking any notice of him; and, at length, darting
+one of his sourest looks at him, he spoke to him in the Hebrew language,
+to which O'Leary made no reply. 'Why do you not answer me, sir?' 'Faith,
+sir,' said O'Leary, 'because I don't understand the language in which
+you are addressing me.' Upon this, the doctor, with a contemptuous
+sneer, said to Murphy, 'Why, sir, this is a pretty fellow you have
+brought hither. Sir, he does not comprehend the primitive language.'
+O'Leary immediately bowed very low, and complimented the doctor in a
+long speech in Irish, to which the doctor, not understanding a word,
+made no reply, but looked at Murphy. O'Leary, seeing the doctor was
+puzzled at hearing a language of which he was ignorant, said to Murphy,
+pointing to the doctor, 'This is a pretty fellow to whom you have
+brought me. Sir, he does not understand the language of the sister
+kingdom.' The reverend _padre_ then made another low bow, and quitted
+the room."
+
+
+A NOLLE PROSEQUI.
+
+At the time that Barry Yelverton was Attorney-General, himself and
+O'Leary, while enjoying the beauties of Killarney, had the rare fortune
+to witness a staghunt. The hunted animal ran towards the spot where the
+Attorney-General and O'Leary stood. "Ah!" said Father Arthur, with
+genuine wit, "how naturally instinct leads him to come to you, that you
+may deliver him by a _nolle prosequi_!"
+
+
+THE PRINCE OF WALES.
+
+George the Fourth, when Prince of Wales, frequently had as guests at his
+table Sheridan, Grattan, Curran, Flood, and Father O'Leary. Croly, in
+his "Life of George the Fourth," says--"An occasional guest, and a
+sufficiently singular one, was an Irish Franciscan, Arthur O'Leary, a
+man of strong faculties and considerable knowledge. His first celebrity
+was as a pamphleteer, in a long battle with Woodward, the able Bishop of
+Cloyne, in Ireland.--O'Leary abounded in Irish anecdote, and was a
+master of pleasant humor.
+
+"Sheridan said that he considered claret the true parliamentary wine for
+the peerage, for it might make a man sleepy or sick, but it never warmed
+his heart, or stirred up his brains. Port, generous port, was for the
+Commons--it was for the business of life--it quickened the circulation
+and fancy together. For his part, he never felt that he spoke as he
+liked, until after a couple of bottles. O'Leary observed, that this was
+like a _porter_; he never could go steady without a _load_ on his
+head."
+
+
+THE CLOSING SCENES OF HIS LIFE.
+
+"The disturbances," says his biographer, "by which Ireland was convulsed
+in 1798 pained O'Leary's mind. The efforts made by the tools of a base
+faction, to give the tinge of religious fanaticism to the political
+distractions of that country, excited his indignation; and, as his name
+had been wantonly and insultingly introduced by Sir Richard Musgrave, in
+his libellous compilation on the Irish Rebellions, he entertained the
+notion of publishing a refutation of the calumnies which had been so
+industriously circulated against the Catholics, not only in that
+scandalous work, but likewise in various other historical essays at that
+time. For this purpose O'Leary had prepared some very valuable
+manuscript collections: he looked back to the history of the earlier
+periods of the English rule in Ireland; and from his friends in various
+parts of that kingdom he procured authentic details of the
+insurrectionary disturbances: impartiality was his object; and he left
+no means untried to collect the most voluminous and exact account of
+every circumstance connected with, or immediately arising out of, the
+rebellion, the history of which he ultimately declared it his design to
+publish.
+
+"The progress of disease, and the rapidly increasing infirmities of old
+age, hindered the fulfilment of O'Leary's wishes: he was unable to
+proceed into any part of the task of composition, but he was relieved
+from anxiety by the fortunate circumstance of his intimacy with Francis
+Plowden Esq., whose historical review of Ireland, and whose subsequent
+publication in defence of that country, have raised him to a rank
+amongst historians, honorably and deservedly conspicuous. When O'Leary
+learned that his friend was engaged, at the desire of Mr. Pitt, in
+writing the 'Historical Review,' he sent him his invaluable collections,
+as affording the best and most authentic materials for the recent
+history of Ireland; and the manner in which the documents, thus
+furnished, were applied to the purposes of truth, must have given
+gratification to O'Leary's mind, had he lived long enough to witness
+this successful vindication of his country and religion. His descent to
+the grave was too rapid to afford him that pleasure; and it was not
+till it had closed over his remains, that the world was gratified with
+the best and most authentic work ever published on the political history
+of Ireland.
+
+"We approach now to the last scene of O'Leary's busy life; and it is one
+which, like too many others, preaches to mankind the necessity of being
+always prepared for the unrevealed hour that shall terminate mortal
+existence.
+
+"Towards the end of the year 1801, ill health shed a gloom over his
+mind, to which the consciousness of approaching dissolution gave
+facilities and permanency. His contests with bad men had been frequent;
+and the frailties and follies of the world, and the instability of
+human friendship, which he had often experienced, haunted his mind at
+this time to a degree that was painful for those who loved and revered
+him, to witness. His medical friends tried the resources of their
+professional skill for the alleviation of his disease in vain; and as a
+last prescription, they recommended to him a short residence in the
+south of France, as calculated, if any thing could, to revive his
+spirits and restore his health. Agreeably to this advice, in company
+with Mr. M'Grath, a medical friend, to whose kindness he was much
+indebted, he proceeded to France; but his hopes of relief were
+disappointed, and he shortly determined on returning to London. The
+state in which he found society in France--so different from what it had
+been, when he first visited 'the lovely, fertile south,' shocked him;
+and he uttered his opinion of the change which he witnessed, by saying,
+emphatically, 'that there was not now a _gentleman_ in all France.'
+
+"His arrival in London was on the 7th of January, 1802. It was his
+intention to have landed at Dover; but tempestuous weather compelled the
+vessel in which he was to land at Ramsgate. The effects of this voyage
+tended to hasten his death, which took place the morning after his
+arrival in London, in the 73rd year of his age."
+
+
+
+
+DANIEL O'CONNELL.
+
+
+DARBY MORAN.
+
+O'Connell in his celebrated speech in defence of the Rev. T. Maguire,
+relates the following story, in which the reader will not fail to
+perceive the little chance which perjury had in escaping his
+detection:--
+
+"Allow me," said he, addressing the Court, "to tell you a story, which
+is not the worse for being perfectly true. I was assessor of the Sheriff
+at an election in the county of Clare; a freeholder came to vote under
+the name of Darby Moran, and as Darby Moran both his signature and mark
+were attached to the certificate of Registry. He, of course, was
+objected to. It was insisted that if he was illiterate, he could not
+have written his name--if literate, he should not have added his mark;
+in either view it was contended, with the vehemence suited to such
+occasions, that his registry was bad. It is, wherever I have authority
+to adjudicate, a rule with me to decide as few abstract propositions as
+I possibly can. I therefore resolved first to ascertain the fact whether
+Darby Moran could write or not. I accordingly gave him paper, and asked
+him could he write his name. He flippantly answered that he could, and
+in my presence instantly wrote down 'John O'Brien'--he totally forgot
+that he was playing Darby Moran. Thus this trick was exposed and
+defeated."
+
+
+A DEAD MAN WITH LIFE IN HIM.
+
+It was difficult for O'Connell, even at an advanced period of his
+professional career, to exhibit those powers as an advocate, which were
+afterwards so finely developed; for the silk gown that encased inferior
+merit gave a precedence to Protestant lawyers of even younger standing,
+and he rarely had an opportunity of addressing a jury. This probably
+induced him to cultivate with more ardor a talent for cross-examination,
+which was unquestionably unrivalled, and which was displayed by him at a
+very early period.
+
+It exhibited itself very strongly in a trial on the Munster Circuit, in
+which the question was, the validity of a will, by which property to
+some amount was devised, and which the plaintiffs alleged was forged.
+The subscribing witnesses swore that the deceased signed the will while
+_life was in him_.
+
+The evidence was going strong in favor of the will--at last O'Connell
+undertook to cross-examine one of the witnesses. He shrewdly observed
+that he was particular in swearing several times that "life was in the
+testator when the will was signed," and that he saw his hand sign it.
+
+"By virtue of your oath was he alive," said Mr. O'Connell.
+
+"By virtue of my oath, _life was in him_;" and this the witness repeated
+several times.
+
+"Now," continued O'Connell, with great solemnity, and assuming an air of
+inspiration--"I call on you, in presence of your Maker, before whom you
+must one day be judged for the evidence you give here to-day, I solemnly
+ask--and answer me at your peril--was it not a live fly that was in the
+dead man's mouth when his hand was placed on the will?"
+
+'The witness fell instantaneously on his knees, and acknowledged it was
+so, and that the fly was placed in the mouth of deceased to enable the
+witnesses to swear _that life was in him_.
+
+The intuitive quickness with which O'Connell conjectured the cause of
+the fellow's always swearing that "life was in him," obtained for him
+the admiration of every one in Court, and very materially assisted in
+securing his professional success.
+
+
+A YOUNG JUDGE DONE.
+
+In the course of his attendance at an Assizes in Cork, he was counsel in
+a case in which his client was capitally charged, and was so little
+likely to escape, and was actually so guilty of the crime, that his
+attorney considered the case utterly desperate.
+
+O'Connell entered the Court aware of the hopelessness of his client's
+chances. He knew it was useless to attempt a defence in the ordinary
+way. There was evidence sufficient to ensure a conviction. At that time
+it happened that the present Chief Justice, then Sergeant, Lefroy
+presided, in the absence of one of the judges who had fallen ill.
+O'Connell understood the sort of man he had on the Bench. He opened the
+defence by putting to the first witness a number of the most illegal
+questions. He, of course, knew they were illegal, and that objections
+would be raised.
+
+Sergeant Goold was the crown prosecutor, and he started up, and
+expressed his objections. The learned Chief Justice declared his
+concurrence, and decided peremptorily that he could not allow Mr.
+O'Connell to proceed with his line of examination.
+
+"Well, then, my lord," said O'Connell, after a little expostulation, "as
+you refuse permitting me to defend my client, I leave his fate in your
+hands;" and he flung his brief from him, adding, as he turned away, "the
+blood of that man, my lord, will be on your head, if he is condemned."
+O'Connell then left the Court. In half-an-hour afterwards, as he was
+walking on the flagway outside, the attorney for the defence ran out to
+him without his hat. "Well," said O'Connell, "he is found guilty?" "No,
+sir," answered the solicitor, "he has been acquitted." O'Connell is said
+to have smiled meaningly on the occasion, as if he had anticipated the
+effect of the _ruse_; for it was a _ruse_ he had recourse to, in order
+to save the unfortunate culprit's life. He knew that flinging the onus
+on a young and a raw judge could be the only chance for his client. The
+judge did take up the case O'Connell had ostensibly, in a pet,
+abandoned. The witnesses were successively cross-examined by the judge
+himself. He conceived a prejudice in favor of the accused. He, perhaps,
+had a natural timidity of incurring the responsibility thrown on him by
+O'Connell. He charged the jury in the prisoner's favor, and the
+consequence was, the unexpected acquittal of the prisoner. "_I knew_,"
+said O'Connell afterwards, "the only chance was to throw the
+responsibility on the judge."
+
+
+O'CONNELL AND A SNARLING ATTORNEY.
+
+O'Connell could be seen to greatest advantage in an Irish court of
+justice. There he displayed every quality of the lawyer and the
+advocate. He showed perfect mastery of his profession, and he exhibited
+his own great and innate qualities. Who that ever beheld him on the
+Munster circuit, when he was in the height of his fame, but must have
+admired his prodigious versatility of formidable powers. His pathos was
+often admirable--his humor flowed without effort or art. What jokes he
+uttered!--what sarcasms! How well he worked his case, never throwing
+away a chance, never relaxing his untiring energies. How he disposed of
+a pugnacious attorney may be gathered from the following:--
+
+"For a round volley of abusive epithets nobody could surpass him. One of
+his droll comic sentences was often worth a speech of an hour in putting
+down an opponent, or in gaining supporters to his side. At _Nisi Prius_,
+he turned his mingled talent for abuse and drollery to great effect. He
+covered a witness with ridicule, or made a cause so ludicrous, that the
+real grounds of complaint became invested with absurdity.
+
+"One of the best things he ever said was in an assize-town on the
+Munster circuit. The attorney of the side opposite to that on which
+O'Connell was retained, was a gentleman remarkable for his combative
+qualities; delighted in being in a fight, and was foremost in many of
+the political scenes of excitement in his native town. His person was
+indicative of his disposition. His face was bold, menacing, and scornful
+in its expression. He had stamped on him the defiance and resolution of
+a pugilist. Upon either temple there stood erect a lock of hair, which
+no brush could smooth down. These locks looked like horns, and added to
+the combative expression of his countenance. He was fiery in his nature,
+excessively spirited, and ejaculated, rather than spoke to an audience;
+his speeches consisting of a series of short, hissing, spluttering
+sentences, by no means devoid of talent of a certain kind. Add to all
+this, that the gentleman was an Irish Attorney, and an Orangeman, and
+the reader may easily suppose that he was 'a character!'
+
+"Upon the occasion referred to, this gentleman gave repeated annoyance to
+O'Connell--by interrupting him in the progress of the cause--by speaking
+to the witnesses--and by interfering in a manner altogether improper,
+and unwarranted by legal custom. But it was no easy matter to make the
+combative attorney hold his peace--he, too, was an agitator in his own
+fashion. In vain did the counsel engaged with O'Connell in the cause
+sternly rebuke him; in vain did the judge admonish him to remain quiet;
+up he would jump, interrupting the proceedings, hissing out his angry
+remarks and vociferations with vehemence. While O'Connell was in the act
+of pressing a most important question he jumped up again, undismayed,
+solely for the purpose of interruption. O'Connell, losing all patience,
+suddenly turned round, and, scowling at the disturber, shouted in a
+voice of thunder--'Sit down, you audacious, snarling, pugnacious
+ram-cat.' Scarcely had the words fallen from his lips, when roars of
+laughter rang through the court. The judge himself laughed outright at
+the happy and humorous description of the combative attorney, who, pale
+with passion, gasped in inarticulate rage. The name of _ram-cat_ struck
+to him through all his life."
+
+
+HIS ENCOUNTER WITH BIDDY MORIARTY.
+
+One of the drollest scenes of vituperation that O'Connell ever figured
+in took place in the early part of his life. Not long after he was
+called to the bar, his character and peculiar talents received rapid
+recognition from all who were even casually acquainted with him. His
+talent for vituperative language was perceived, and by some he was, even
+in those days, considered matchless as a scold.
+
+There was, however, at that time in Dublin, a certain woman, Biddy
+Moriarty, who had a huckster's stall on one of the quays nearly opposite
+the Four Courts. She was a virago of the first order, very able with her
+fist, and still more formidable with her tongue. From one end of Dublin
+to the other she was notorious for her powers of abuse, and even in the
+provinces Mrs. Moriarty's language had passed into currency. The
+dictionary of Dublin slang had been considerably enlarged by her, and
+her voluble impudence had almost become proverbial. Some of O'Connell's
+friends, however, thought that he could beat her at the use of her own
+weapons. Of this, however, he had some doubts himself, when he had
+listened once or twice to some minor specimens of her Billingsgate. It
+was mooted once, whether the young Kerry barrister could encounter her,
+and some one of the company (in O'Connell's presence) rather too freely
+ridiculed the idea of his being able to meet the famous Madam Moriarty.
+O'Connell never liked the idea of being put down, and he professed his
+readiness to encounter her, and even backed himself for the match. Bets
+were offered and taken--it was decided that the match should come off at
+once.
+
+The party adjourned to the huckster's stall, and there was the owner
+herself, superintending the sale of her small wares--a few loungers and
+ragged idlers were hanging round her stall--for Biddy was 'a character,'
+and, in her way, was one of the sights of Dublin.
+
+O'Connell was very confident of success. He had laid an ingenious plan
+for overcoming her, and, with all the anxiety of an ardent
+experimentalist, waited to put it into practice. He resolved to open the
+attack. At this time O'Connell's own party, and the loungers about the
+place, formed an audience quite sufficient to rouse Mrs. Moriarty, on
+public provocation, to a due exhibition of her powers. O'Connell
+commenced the attack:--
+
+"What's the price of this walking-stick, Mrs. What's-your-Name?"
+
+"Moriarty, sir, is my name, and a good one it is; and what have you to
+say agen it? and one-and-sixpence's the price of the stick. Troth, it's
+chape as dirt--so it is."
+
+"One-and-sixpence for a walking-stick? whew! why, you are know no better
+than an impostor, to ask eighteen pence for what cost you twopence."
+
+"Twopence, your grandmother!" replied Mrs. Biddy: "do you mane to say
+that it's chating the people I am?--impostor, indeed!"
+
+"Aye, impostor; and it's that I call you to your teeth," rejoined
+O'Connell.
+
+"Come cut your stick, you cantankerous jackanapes."
+
+"Keep a civil tongue in your head, you old _diagonal_," cried O'Connell,
+calmly.
+
+"Stop your jaw, you pug-nosed badger, or by this and that," cried Mrs.
+Moriarty, "I'll make you go quicker nor you came."
+
+"Don't be in a passion, my old _radius_--anger will only wrinkle your
+beauty."
+
+"By the hokey, if you say another word of impudence I'll tan your dirty
+hide, you bastely common scrub; and sorry I'd be to soil my fists upon
+your carcase."
+
+"Whew! boys, what a passion old Biddy is in; I protest, as I'm a
+gentleman----"
+
+"Jintleman! jintleman! the likes of you a jintleman! Wisha, by gor, that
+bangs Banagher. Why, you potato-faced pippin-sneezer, when did a
+Madagascar monkey like you pick enough of common Christian dacency to
+hide your Kerry brogue?"
+
+"Easy, now--easy, now," cried O'Connell, with imperturbable good humor,
+"don't choke yourself with fine language, you old whiskey-drinking
+_parallelogram_."
+
+"What's that you call me, you murderin' villian?" roared Mrs. Moriarty,
+stung to fury.
+
+"I call you," answered O'Connell, "a parallelogram; and a Dublin judge
+and jury will say that it's no libel to call you so!"
+
+"Oh, tare-an-ouns! oh, holy Biddy! that on honest woman like me should
+be called a parrybellygrum to her face. I'm none of your
+parrybellygrums, you rascally gallowsbird; you cowardly, sneaking,
+plate-lickin' bliggard!"
+
+"Oh, not you, indeed!" retorted O'Connell; "why, I suppose you'll deny
+that you keep a _hypothenuse_ in your house."
+
+"It's a lie for you, you dirty robber, I never had such a thing in my
+house, you swindling thief."
+
+"Why, sure your neighbors all know very well that you keep not only a
+hypothenuse, but that you have two _diameters_ locked up in your garret,
+and that you go out to walk with them every Sunday, you heartless old
+_heptagon_."
+
+"Oh, hear that, ye saints in glory! Oh, there's bad language from a
+fellow that wants to pass for a jintleman. May the divil fly away with
+you, you micher from Munster, and make celery-sauce of your rotten
+limbs, you mealy-mouthed tub of guts."
+
+"Ah, you can't deny the charge, you miserable _submultiple_ of a
+_duplicate ratio_."
+
+"Go, rinse your mouth in the Liffey, you nasty tickle pitcher; after all
+the bad words you speak, it ought to be filthier than your face, you
+dirty chicken of Beelzebub."
+
+"Rinse your own mouth, you wicked-minded old _polygon_--to the deuce I
+pitch you, you blustering intersection of a stinking _superficies_!"
+
+"You saucy tinker's apprentice, if you don't cease your jaw, I'll----"
+But here she gasped for breath, unable to hawk up any more words, for
+the last volley of O'Connell had nearly knocked the wind out of her.
+
+"While I have a tongue I'll abuse you, you most inimitable _periphery_.
+Look at her, boys! there she stands--a convicted _perpendicular_ in
+petticoats. There's contamination in her _circumference_, and she
+trembles with guilt down to the extremities of her _corollaries_. Ah!
+you're found out, you _rectilineal antecedent_, and _equiangular_ old
+hag! 'Tis with you the devil will fly away, you porter-swiping
+_similitude_ of the _bisection of a vortex_!"
+
+Overwhelmed with this torrent of language, Mrs. Moriarty was silenced.
+Catching up a saucepan, she was aiming at O'Connell's head, when he very
+prudently made a timely retreat.
+
+"You have won the wager, O'Connell--here's your bet," cried the
+gentleman who proposed the contest.
+
+O'Connell knew well the use of sound in the vituperation, and having to
+deal with an ignorant scold, determined to overcome her in volubility,
+by using all the _sesquipedalia verba_ which occur in Euclid. With
+these, and a few significant epithets, and a scoffing, impudent
+demeanor, he had for once imposed silence on Biddy Moriarty.
+
+
+O'CONNELL AND A BILKING CLIENT.
+
+He used to lodge, when at Cork, at a stationer's of the name of O'Hara,
+in Patrick-street, one of the principal thoroughfares of the city.
+There, during the Assizes, there was always a crowd before his door,
+lounging under his windows, anxious to get a peep at the Counsellor.
+Whenever he made his appearance there was always a hearty cheer. On one
+occasion, an old friend of his, who had once belonged to the bar, Mr.
+K----, a member of a most respectable family, called on O'Connell during
+the Assizes, to pay him a friendly visit. He found O'Connell engaged
+with a shrewd-looking farmer, who was consulting him on a knotty case.
+Heartily glad to see his old friend, O'Connell sprang forward, saying,
+"My dear K----, I'm delighted to see you." The farmer, seeing the
+visitor come in, cunningly took the opportunity of sneaking away. He had
+got what he wanted--the opinion; but O'Connell had not got what _he_
+wanted--the fee. O'Connell at once followed the farmer, who had got the
+start by a flight of stairs. The rustic quickened his pace when he found
+that the counsellor was in chase. O'Connell saw that he could not catch
+the runaway client, who was now on the flight leading into the hall. He
+leant over the bannister, and made a grasp at the farmer's collar, but,
+instead of the collar, he caught the rustic's wig, which came away in
+his hand. O'Connell gave a shout of laughter, and, quick as thought,
+jumped in high spirits back to his room. "Hurrah! see, K----, I've got
+the rascal's wig." Up went the window--
+
+"Three cheers for the counsellor!--Long life to your honor. Arrah! isn't
+he the man of the people."
+
+"Ah! boys," said O'Connell, with glee, "look here what I've got for you!
+Here's the wig of a rascal that has just bilked me of a fee."
+
+Shouts of laughter rent the air, as the wig was pitched out, to undergo
+a rapid process of radical reform at the hands of the mob. As the
+wigless farmer made his appearance, he was received with groans of
+derision, and was glad enough to escape with unbroken bones.
+
+
+SOW-WEST AND THE WIGS.
+
+The following humorous scene took place in the Court-house,
+Green-street, Dublin:
+
+The city of Dublin was often contested by Mr. John B. West--a
+conservative barrister of no ordinary talents, whose early end caused
+much regret. That gentleman was very heavy and clumsy in appearance, and
+moved very awkwardly. Lord Plunket humorously called him _Sow_-West, a
+name that adhered to him most tenaciously. O'Connell was opposed to West
+on three or four different occasions. It is remarkable that the opening
+scenes at the Dublin elections are conducted with far more decorum than
+similar scenes in other parts of Ireland. All the masses are not
+admitted indiscriminately to the Court where the hustings are
+placed--the people are admitted by tickets, half of which are allotted
+to each rival party. It is the interest of both parties to keep order,
+and the candidates and their friends are therefore heard with tolerable
+fairness. On the first day of a Dublin election, the most eloquent
+members of either party come forward to uphold their favorite
+principles.
+
+On the occasion referred to, O'Connell, in addressing the people,
+referred to the appearance of _Sow_-West, whom he humorously quizzed
+upon the beauty of his appearance.
+
+In reply Mr. West said, "Ah, my friends! it's all very well for Mr.
+O'Connell to attack me upon my appearance; but I can tell you, if you
+saw Mr. O'Connell without his wig, he does not present a face which is
+much to boast of."
+
+To the surprise of the spectators, no less than of Mr. West himself,
+O'Connell walked across, pulled off his wig, stood close by West, and
+cried out--"There, now, which of us is the better-looking--my wig is
+off."
+
+This sally of practical humor was received with bursts of laughter and
+cheering. O'Connell looked admirably, exhibiting a skull which, for
+volume and development, was not to be surpassed.
+
+
+ELECTION AND RAILWAY DINNERS.
+
+O'Connell's enormous appetite often excited surprise. He ate a
+prodigious quantity, even for a man of such large frame. At one of the
+Irish elections, he was greatly annoyed at his candidate being unseated
+for a few months, by the blundering decision of the assessor. On the day
+when the election terminated, O'Connell was engaged to dine with a Roman
+Catholic priest, who piqued himself not a little on the honor of
+entertaining the Liberator. The company assembled at the appointed hour,
+much dispirited at the adverse turn which the election had taken at the
+last moment. O'Connell himself was particularly angry, and chafed with
+ill-temper at the blunder of the assessor, who would not even listen to
+his arguments.
+
+Dinner came on, and a turkey-pout smoked before the hospitable
+clergyman. "Mr. O'Connell, what part of the fowl shall I help you to?"
+cried the reverend host, with an air of _empressement_.
+
+His ears were electrified by O'Connell's rejoinder--"Oh! hang it, cut it
+through the middle, and give me half the bird!"
+
+For an orator of a style so copious and diffuse, it was singular how
+admirably laconic he could become when he chose. During dinner, while
+occupied with the viands, he would express himself with the terseness
+and condensation of Tacitus.
+
+A railway company once gave a complimentary dinner at Kingstown, and
+O'Connell, who had supported the Bill in the House of Commons, was
+invited. The sea breeze on the Kingstown pier sharpened his appetite. He
+had already partaken heartily of the second course, when one of the
+directors, seeing O'Connell's plate nearly empty, asked--"Pray, sir,
+what will you be helped to _next_?"
+
+Hastily glancing at the dishes still untasted, O'Connell, with a full
+mouth, answered--"Mutton--well done--and much of it."
+
+
+SCENE AT KILLINEY.
+
+O'Connell was a capital actor, and his dramatic delivery of a common
+remark was often highly impressive. Many years since, he went down to
+Kingstown, near Dublin, with a party, to visit a queen's ship-of-war,
+which was then riding in the bay.
+
+After having seen it, O'Connell proposed a walk to the top of Killiney
+Hill. Breaking from the rest of his party, he ascended to the highest
+point of the hill, in company with a young and real Irish patriot, whose
+character was brimful of national enthusiasm. The day was fine, and the
+view from the summit of the hill burst gloriously upon the sight. The
+beautiful bay of Dublin, like a vast sheet of crystal, was at their
+feet. The old city of Dublin stretched away to the west, and to the
+north was the old promontory of Howth, jutting forth into the sea. To
+the south were the Dublin and Wicklow mountains, enclosing the lovely
+vale of Shanganah, rising picturesquely against the horizon. The scene
+was beautiful, with all the varieties of sunlight and shadow.
+
+O'Connell enjoyed it with nearly as much rapture as his youthful and
+ardent companion, who broke forth--"It is all Ireland--oh! how
+beautiful! Thank God, we see nothing English here. Everything we see is
+Irish!"
+
+His rapture was interrupted by O'Connell, gently laying his hand on his
+shoulder, and pointing to the ship-of-war at anchor, as he
+exclaimed--"_A speck of the British power_!"
+
+The thought was electric. That speck, significantly pointed out by
+O'Connell, suggested the whole painful history of his fatherland to the
+memory of the ardent young Irishman.
+
+
+AN INSOLENT JUDGE.
+
+The judges themselves often came in for a share of his animadversions,
+when he deemed their judicial or other conduct deserved public censure;
+and when he pleaded as an advocate before them, their resentment
+betrayed itself. Singular to say, his practice was never injuriously
+affected by his boldness outside. Other men have suffered vitally from
+the political or personal hostility of judges--Curran was one of them.
+But O'Connell beat down the most formidable hatred, and compelled, by
+the sheer force of legal and intellectual power, the bitterest and most
+obstinate personal rancor to give way. He compelled pompous, despotic,
+and hostile judges to yield. He could not be awed. If they were haughty,
+he was proud. If they were malevolent, he was cuttingly sarcastic.
+
+It happened that he was by at an argument in one of the courts of
+Dublin, in the course of which a young Kerry attorney was called upon by
+the opposing counsel, either to admit a statement as evidence, or to
+hand in some documents he could legally detain. O'Connell was not
+specially engaged. The discussion arose on a new trial motion--the issue
+to go down to the Assizes. He did not interfere until the demand was
+made on the attorney, but he then stood up and told him to make no
+admission.
+
+He was about to resume his seat, when the judge, Baron M'Cleland, said,
+with a peculiar emphasis, "Mr. O'Connell, have you a _brief_ in this
+case?"
+
+"No, my lord, I have not; but I _will_ have one, when the case goes down
+to the Assizes."
+
+"When I," rejoined the judge, throwing himself back with an air of lofty
+scorn, "was at the bar, it was not _my_ habit to anticipate briefs."
+
+"When _you_ were at the bar," retorted O'Connell, "_I_ never chose _you_
+for a model; and now that you are on the Bench, I shall not submit to
+your dictation." Leaving his lordship to digest the retort, he took the
+attorney by the arm, and walked him out of Court. In this way he dealt
+with hostile judges.
+
+
+A WITNESS CAJOLED.
+
+O'Connell knew so intimately the habits and character of the humbler
+class, that he was able, by cajolery or intimidation, to coerce them,
+when on the table, into truth-telling. He was once examining a witness,
+whose inebriety, at the time to which the evidence referred, it was
+essential to his client's case to prove. He quickly discovered the man's
+character. He was a fellow who may be described as "half foolish with
+roguery."
+
+"Well, Darby," said the Counsellor, taking him on the cross-examination,
+"you told the whole truth to that gentleman?" pointing to the counsel
+who had just examined the witness.
+
+"Yes, your honor, Counsellor O'Connell."
+
+"How, do you know my name?"
+
+"Ah, sure every one knows our own _pathriot_"
+
+"Well, you are a good-humored, honest fellow Now, tell me, Darby, did you
+take a drop of anything that day?"
+
+"Why, your honor, I took my share of a pint of spirits."
+
+"Your share of it; now by virtue of your oath, was not your share of it
+_all but the pewter_?"
+
+"Why, then, dear knows, that's true for you, sir."
+
+The Court was convulsed at both question and answer. It soon came out
+that the man was drunk, and was not, therefore, a competent witness.
+Thus O'Connell won the case for his client.
+
+
+HIS DUEL WITH CAPTAIN D'ESTERRE.
+
+When O'Connell found the Government determined to strain the Convention
+Act to the utmost, and not permit the existence of any delegated
+committee for the management of Catholic affairs, he issued circulars to
+a number of gentlemen to meet him, as individuals, in Capel-street. From
+that circular arose the Catholic Association.
+
+It was at one of the early meetings of this body that he called the
+municipal functionaries of Dublin, "a beggarly Corporation." He had
+become exceedingly obnoxious to the Orange party. He was an object of
+intense hatred within the precincts of the Castle. To get rid of such a
+man would be an invaluable service. The _insult_ he had put on the
+_immaculate_ and _wealthy_ Corporation, offered too inviting an
+opportunity to be passed over. A champion of Ascendancy appeared in the
+person of Captain D'Esterre.
+
+On the 1st of February, 1815, nearly eleven days after the insult was
+received, and eight days after explanation was demanded and refused,
+this misled gentleman was advised to send a message. He addressed a
+letter in the following words:--
+
+"Sir--_Carrick's Paper_, of the 23rd instant, in its Report of the
+Debates of a Meeting of the Catholic Gentlemen, on the subject of a
+Petition, states that you applied the appellation of _Beggarly_, to the
+Corporation of this City, _calling it a beggarly Corporation_; and,
+therefore, as a member of that body, and feeling how painful such is, I
+beg leave to inquire whether you really used or expressed yourself in
+such language.
+
+"I feel the more justified in calling on you on this occasion, as such
+language was not warranted or provoked by any thing on the part of the
+Corporation; neither was it consistent with the subject of your Debate,
+or the deportment of the other Catholic gentlemen, who were present;
+and, though I view it so inconsistent in every respect, I am in hopes
+the Editor is under error, not you.
+
+"I have further to request your reply in the course of the evening--and
+remain, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+                  "J. N. D'ESTERRE,
+        "11 Bachelor's-walk, 26th Jan. 1815.
+    "To Counsellor O'Connell, Merrion-square."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sir--In reply to your letter of yesterday, and without either admitting
+or disclaiming the expression respecting the Corporation of Dublin, in
+the print to which you allude, I deem it right to inform you, that, from
+the calumnious manner in which the religion and character of the
+Catholics of Ireland are treated in that body, no terms attributed to
+me, however reproachful, can exceed the contemptuous feelings I
+entertain for that body in its corporate capacity--although, doubtless,
+it contains many valuable persons, whose conduct, as individuals (I
+lament), must necessarily be confounded in the acts of the general body.
+
+"I have only to add, _that this Letter must dose our Correspondence on
+this subject_.--I am, &c., &c.,
+
+           "DANIEL O'CONNELL.
+      "Merrion-square, January 27, 1815.
+    "To J. N. D'Esterre, Esq.,
+         11 Bachelors-walk, Dublin."
+
+Mr. D'Esterre was advised to persist in the correspondence, and
+addressed another letter (but directed in a different hand-writing), to
+Mr. O'Connell. It was returned to him by Mr. James O'Connell, inclosed
+in a letter couched in the following terms:--
+
+"Sir--From the tenor of your letter of yesterday, my brother did not
+expect that your next communication would have been made in _writing_.
+He directed me to open his letters in his absence; your last letter,
+bearing a different address from the former one, was opened by me; but
+upon perceiving the name subscribed, I have declined to read it; and by
+his directions I return it to you inclosed, and _unread_.--I am, sir,
+your obedient servant,
+
+                   "James O'Connell.
+               "Merrion-square, Friday Evening.
+    "To J. N. D'Esterre, Esq.,
+                 11 Bachelor's-walk."
+
+After a number of insulting letters from D'Esterre, his long-expected
+hostile message arrived.
+
+Major M'Namara, of Doolen, having been commissioned by O'Connell,
+proceeded to Sir Edward Stanley, who acted as the friend of D'Esterre,
+to arrange the meeting. The hour appointed was three o'clock on
+Wednesday; the place, Bishop's Court Demesne, Lord Ponsonby's seat, in
+the county Kildare, thirteen miles distant from Dublin.
+
+It was proposed by him that the mode of fighting should be after the
+following fashion:--That both should be handed a brace of pistols;
+reserve their shots until the signal, and then fire when they pleased;
+advancing or retiring after each shot, as they thought proper. Major
+M'Namara would not assent to this mode of fighting, without first
+consulting O'Connell and his friends. O'Connell at once directed him to
+accept the terms. Major M'Namara then returned to Sir Edward Stanley,
+and finally arranged the meeting. The parties proceeded to take their
+ground, and were handed a brace of pistols each. The signal was given.
+Both reserved their fire for some moments. D'Esterre first changed his
+position, moving a pace towards the left hand, and then stepped towards
+O'Connell. His object was to induce him to fire, more or less, at
+random. He lifted his pistol, as if about to fire. O'Connell instantly
+presented, pulled the trigger, and the unfortunate man fell.
+
+In close attendance on O'Connell, at the ground, were Major M'Namara,
+Nicholas Purcell O'Gorman, and Richard Nugent Bennett, as seconds and
+friends; for all may be said to have acted in the double capacity.
+
+It was reported in Dublin that O'Connell was shot; and a party of
+dragoons were despatched from Dublin, for the protection of D'Esterre.
+On their way the officer by whom they were commanded met, on its return,
+the carriage containing O'Connell and his brother. The officer called on
+the postilion to stop; whereupon Mr. James O'Connell pulled down the
+window. The officer, addressing him, asked if they had been present at
+the duel, to which he replied in the affirmative. The officer then said,
+"Is it true Mr. O'Connell has been shot?" Mr. James O'Connell replied,
+"No; the reverse is the fact; Mr. D'Esterre has unfortunately fallen."
+The announcement had a visible effect upon the military; they were not
+prepared for the intelligence; and something like consternation was
+exhibited. The carriage was allowed to proceed, the military party being
+evidently not aware who were its occupants.
+
+When D'Esterre fell the spectators present could not refrain from giving
+expression to their excited feelings; they actually shouted; and a young
+collegian who was present, and who became a Protestant clergyman, was so
+carried away by the general feeling, as to fling up his hat in the air,
+and shout, "Hurra for O'Connell!"
+
+Very different was the conduct of the three occupants of O'Connell's
+carriage. They displayed no exultation. The moment D'Esterre fell they
+went off; and though the place of meeting was near Naas, they were close
+to Dublin before a single word was exchanged between them. At last
+O'Connell broke the silence, saying, "I fear he is dead, he fell so
+suddenly. Where do you think he was hit?" "In the head, I think," said
+his medical friend. "That cannot be--I aimed low; the ball must have
+entered near the thigh." This will be considered a remarkable
+observation when, as was subsequently found, the wound was inflicted in
+the part mentioned by O'Connell. Being one of the surest shots that ever
+fired a pistol, he could have hit his antagonist where he pleased. But
+his object was merely, in self-defence, to wound him in no mortal part,
+and he aimed low with that intention.
+
+The excitement in Dublin, when the result was known, cannot be
+described; and, indeed, is scarcely credited by those who were not then
+in the metropolis. Over seven hundred gentlemen left their cards at
+O'Connell's the day after the occurrence.
+
+Great commiseration was felt for D'Esterre's family, but it was
+considered that he himself lost his life foolishly. It may be added that
+he was an officer in the navy, and an eccentric character. He at one
+time played off rather a serious joke upon his friends, who resided
+near Cork. He wrote to them from aboard that he was sentenced to be
+hanged for mutiny, and implored of them to use every interest to save
+him. Lord Shannon interested himself in the affair, and the greatest
+trouble was taken to obtain a pardon. But it turned out to be a hoax
+practised by D'Esterre, when under the influence of the Jolly God.
+Knowing his character, many even of opposite politics, notwithstanding
+the party spirit that then prevailed, regretted the issue the
+unfortunate man provoked.
+
+
+O'CONNELL AND SECRETARY GOULBURN.
+
+Mr. Goulburn, while Secretary for Ireland, visited Killarney, when
+O'Connell (then on circuit) happened to be there. Both stopped at Finn's
+Hotel, and chanced to get bedrooms opening off the same corridor. The
+early habits of O'Connell made him be up at cock-crow. Finding the
+hall-door locked, and so being hindered from walking outside, he
+commenced walking up and down the corridor. To pass the time, he
+repeated aloud some of Moore's poetry, and had just uttered the lines--
+
+    "We tread the land that bore us,
+    The green flag flutters o'er us,
+    The friends we've tried are by our side--"
+
+At this moment Goulburn popped his nightcapped head out, to see what was
+the matter. O'Connell instantly pointed his finger at him, and finished
+the verse--
+
+    "And the foe we hate before us!"
+
+In went Goulburn's head in the greatest hurry.
+
+
+ENTRAPPING A WITNESS.
+
+An illustration of his dexterity in compassing an unfortunate culprit's
+acquittal may be here narrated.
+
+He was employed in defending a prisoner who was tried for a murder
+committed in the vicinity of Cork. The principal witness swore strongly
+against the prisoner--one corroborative circumstance was, that the
+prisoner's hat was found near the place where the murder took place. The
+witness swore positively the hat produced was the one found, and that it
+belonged to the prisoner, whose name was James.
+
+"By virtue of your oath, are you positive that this is the same hat?"
+"Yes." "Did you examine it carefully before you swore in your
+informations that it was the prisoner's?" "Yes." "Now, let me see,"
+said O'Connell, and he took up the hat, and began carefully to examine
+the inside. He then spelled aloud the name James--slowly,
+thus:--"J--a--m--e--s." "Now, do you mean those words were in the hat
+when you found it?" "I do." "Did you see them there." "I did." "This is
+the same hat?" "It is." "Now, my Lord," said O'Connell, holding up the
+hat to the Bench, "there is an end to the case--there is no name
+whatever inscribed in the hat." The result was instant acquittal.
+
+
+GAINING OVER A JURY.
+
+At a Cork Assizes, many years ago, he was employed in an action of
+damages, for diverting a stream from its regular channel, or diverting
+so much of it as inflicted injury on some party who previously benefited
+by its abundance. The injury was offered by a nobleman, and his
+attorney, on whose advice the proceeding was adopted, was a man of
+corpulent proportions, with a face bearing the ruddy glow of rude
+health, but, flushed in a crowded court, assumed momentarily, a color
+like that imparted by intemperance. He really was a most temperate man.
+
+O'Connell dwelt on the damage his client had sustained by the unjust
+usurpation. The stream should have been permitted to follow its old and
+natural course. There was neither law nor justice in turning it aside
+from his client's fields. He had a light to all its copiousness, and the
+other party should have allowed him full enjoyment. In place of that,
+the latter monopolized the water--he diminished it. It became every day
+small by degrees and beautifully less. "There is not now," he said,
+"gentlemen of the jury, a tenth of the ordinary quantity. The stream is
+running dry--and so low is it, and so little of it is there, that,"
+continued he, turning to the rubicund attorney, and naming him, "there
+isn't enough in it to make grog for Fogatty."
+
+A roar of laughter followed, and it was not stopped by the increased
+rosiness and embarrassment of the gentleman who became the victim of the
+learned advocate's humorous allusion. The tact in this sally was, in
+endeavoring to create an impression on the jury that his poor client
+was sacrificed by the harsh conduct of a grog-drinking attorney, and
+thus create prejudice against the plaintiff's case. Thus did O'Connell
+gain the hearts of Irish juries; and thus did he, indulging his own
+natural humor, on the public platform, gain the affections of his
+countrymen.
+
+
+PADDY AND THE PARSON.
+
+In June, 1832, O'Connell addressed a meeting of the Political Union of
+the London working classes. In his address, he humorously and
+graphically describes the system of passive resistance then adopted
+against the payment of Tithes, in the following amusing dialogue between
+Paddy and the parson:--
+
+"And how does Paddy act? Does he disobey the laws? No. 'Paddy,' says the
+parson, 'you owe me �l 17s. 6d.' 'And what may it be for, your
+Riverence!' says Pat (laughter). 'Tithes! Paddy.' 'Arrah! thin I suppose
+your Riverence gave some value fornint I was born; for divil a bit I
+ever seen since (roars of laughter). But your Riverence, I suppose, has
+law for it? Bless the law! your honor, and sure an I wouldn't be after
+going to disobey it; but plase your Riverence, I have no money' (great
+laughter). 'Ah, Pat, but you've a cow there. 'Yes, your Riverence,
+that's the cow that gives food to Norry and the fourteen childer.'
+'Well, Paddy, then I must distrain that cow.' 'If your honor has law for
+it, to be sure you will.' Well, what does Paddy do? He stamps the word
+'Tithes' upon her side, and the parson can't find a soul to take the
+cow. So he gets a regiment and a half, by way of brokers (much
+laughter)--fourteen or fifteen companies, with those amiable young
+gentlemen, their officers, at their head, who march seventeen or
+eighteen miles across the Bog of Allen to take his cow; they bring the
+cow to Carlow; when they get there, they find a great crowd assembled;
+the parson rubs his hands with glee. 'Plenty of customers for the cow,'
+quoth he to himself. The cow is put up at �2--no bidder; �1--no bidder;
+10s--5s.--6d.--1-1/2d. (cheers). Not a soul will bid, and back goes the
+cow to Norry and the fourteen childer (continued cheers)."
+
+
+A MARTIAL JUDGE.
+
+In Court his usual mirth and ready wit never failed him; and he kept
+the bar and listening by-standers in constant hilarity. He made an
+excellent hit during the trial of Sir George Bingham, for assault,
+during the tithe agitation. The General's Aide-de-Camp, Captain Berners,
+of the Royal Artillery, was under examination. A junior counsel asked
+the witness, "What is the meaning of the military phrase, 'ride him
+down?'"
+
+"Do you think," interposed O'Connell, "we are here to get an explanation
+of plain English from an English Aide-de-Camp, with his tongue in
+holiday dress?" then turning to the witness, he said, "You belong to the
+Artillery and understand horse language?"--"Yes." Mr. Justice Moore, who
+tried the case, here observed--"I ought to understand it, Mr. O'Connell,
+for I was a long while Captain of cavalry." "Yes you were, my lord,"
+replied O'Connell, "and I recollect you a long time a _Sergeant_, too."
+This ready sally caused a burst of laughter throughout the whole court.
+
+
+RETENTIVE MEMORY.
+
+At Darrynane, he was sitting one morning, surrounded by country people,
+some asking his advice, some his assistance, others making their
+grievances known. Amongst the rest was a farmer rather advanced in life,
+a swaggering sort of fellow, who was desirous to carry his point by
+impressing the Liberator with the idea of his peculiar honesty and
+respectability. He was anxious that O'Connell should decide a matter in
+dispute between him and a neighboring farmer who, he wished to
+insinuate, was not as good as he ought to be. "For my part, I, at least,
+can boast that neither I nor mine were ever brought before a judge or
+sent to jail, however it was with others."
+
+"Stop, stop, my fine fellow," cried the Liberator--"Let me see," pausing
+a moment. "Let me see; it is now just twenty-five years ago, last
+August, that I myself saved you from transportation, and had you
+discharged from the dock."
+
+The man was thunderstruck; he thought such a matter could not be
+retained in the great man's mind. He shrunk away, murmuring that he
+should get justice elsewhere, and never appeared before the Liberator
+afterwards.
+
+
+A POLITICAL HURRAH AT A FUNERAL.
+
+Ascending the mountain road between Dublin and Glencullen, in company
+with an English friend, O'Connell was met by a funeral. The mourners
+soon recognized him, and immediately broke into a vociferous hurrah for
+their political favorite, much to the astonishment of the Sassenach;
+who, accustomed to the solemn and lugubrious decorum of English
+funerals, was not prepared for an outburst of Celtic enthusiasm upon
+such an occasion. A remark being made on the oddity of a political
+hurrah at a funeral, it was replied that the corpse would have doubtless
+cheered lustily too, if he could.
+
+
+REFUSAL OF OFFICE.
+
+In 1838, on the morning when O'Connell received from the Government the
+offer to be appointed Lord Chief Baron, he walked over to the window,
+saying:
+
+"This is very kind--very kind, indeed!--but I haven't the least notion
+of taking the offer. Ireland could not spare me now; not but that, _if
+she could_, I don't at all deny that the office would have great
+attractions for me. Let me see, now--there would not be more than about
+eight days' duty in the year; I would take a country house near Dublin,
+and walk into town; and during the intervals of judicial labor, I'd go
+to Derrynane. I should be idle in the early part of April, just when the
+jack-hares leave the most splendid trails upon the mountains. In fact, I
+should enjoy the office exceedingly upon every account, if I could but
+accept it consistently with the interests of Ireland--But I
+Cannot."
+
+
+A MISTAKEN FRENCHMAN.
+
+When travelling in France, during the time of his sojourn at St. Omer's,
+O'Connell encountered a very talkative Frenchman, who incessantly poured
+forth the most bitter tirades against England. O'Connell listened in
+silence; and the Frenchman, surprised at his indifference, at last
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Do you hear, do you understand what I am saying, sir?"
+
+"Yes, I hear you, I comprehend you perfectly."
+
+"Yet you do not seem angry?"
+
+"Not in the least."
+
+"How can you so tamely bear the censures I pronounce against your
+country?"
+
+"Sir, England is not my country. Censure her as much as you please, you
+cannot offend me. I am an Irishman, and my countrymen have as little
+reason to love England as yours have, perhaps less."
+
+
+EPISTOLARY BORES.
+
+The number of letters received by O'Connell upon trivial subjects was
+sufficient to try his patience, as the following will show:--
+
+A letter once arrived from New York, which, on opening, he found to
+contain a minute description of a Queen Anne's farthing recently found
+by the writer, with a modest request that "Ireland's Liberator" might
+negotiate the sale of the said farthing in London; where, as many
+intelligent persons had assured him, he might make his fortune by it.
+
+Another modest correspondent was one Peter Waldron, also of New York,
+whose epistle ran thus:--"Sir, I have discovered an old paper, by which
+I find that my grandfather, Peter Waldron, left Dublin about the year
+1730. You will very much oblige me by instituting an immediate inquiry
+who the said Peter Waldron was; whether he possessed any property in
+Dublin or elsewhere, and to what amount; and in case that he did, you
+will confer a particular favor on me by taking immediate steps to
+recover it, and if successful, forwarding the amount to me at New York."
+
+At another time a Protestant clergyman wrote to apprise him that he and
+his family were all in prayer for his conversion to the Protestant
+religion; and that the writer was anxious to engage in controversy with
+so distinguished an antagonist.
+
+The letters with which he was persecuted, soliciting patronage, were
+innumerable. "Everybody writes to me about everything," said he, "and
+the applicants for places, without a single exception, tell me that _one
+word_ of mine will infallibly get them what they want. _One word_! Oh,
+how sick I am of that '_One word_!'"
+
+Some of his rural correspondents entertained odd ideas of his
+attributes. He said that "from one of them he got a letter commencing
+with 'Awful Sir!'"
+
+
+SIR R. PEEL'S OPINION OF O'CONNELL.
+
+Sir Robert Peel is said to have expressed his high appreciation of
+O'Connell's parliamentary abilities. While the Reform Bill was under
+discussion, the speeches of its friends and foes were one day canvassed
+at Lady Beauchamp's. On O'Connell's name being mentioned, some critic
+fastidiously said, "Oh, a broguing Irish fellow! who would listen to
+_him?_ I always walk out of the House when he opens his lips," "Come,
+Peel," said Lord Westmoreland, "let me hear your opinion." "My opinion
+candidly is," replied Sir Robert, "that if I wanted an efficient and
+eloquent advocate, I would readily give up all the other orators of whom
+we have been talking, provided I had with me this same broguing Irish
+fellow.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the Bishop of Waterford's table, the following anecdote was related
+by O'Connell:
+
+"My grandmother had twenty-two children, and half of them lived beyond
+the age of ninety. Old Mr. O'Connell of Derrynane, pitched upon an oak
+tree to make his own coffin, and mentioned his purpose to a carpenter.
+In the evening, the butler entered after dinner to say that the
+carpenter wanted to speak with him. 'For what?' asked my uncle. 'To talk
+about your honor's coffin,' said the carpenter, putting his head inside
+the door over the butler's shoulder. I wanted to get the fellow out, but
+my uncle said, 'Oh! let him in by all means.--Well, friend, what do you
+want to say to me about my coffin?' 'Only, sir, that I'll saw up the oak
+tree that your honor was speaking of into seven-foot plank.' 'That would
+be wasteful,' answered my uncle; 'I never was more than six feet and an
+inch in my vamps, the best day ever I saw.' 'But your honor will stretch
+after death,' said the carpenter. 'Not eleven inches, I am sure, you
+blockhead! But I'll stretch, no doubt--perhaps a couple of inches or so.
+Well, make my coffin six feet six, and I'll warrant that will give me
+room enough!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I remember," said O'Connell, "being counsel at a special commission in
+Kerry against a Mr. S----, and having occasion to press him somewhat
+hard in my speech, he jumped up in the court, and called me 'a
+purse-proud blockhead.' I said to him, 'In the first place I have got
+no purse to be proud of; and, secondly, if I be a blockhead, it is
+better for you, as I am counsel against you. However, just to save you
+the trouble of saying so again, I'll administer a slight
+rebuke'--whereupon I whacked him soundly on the back with the
+president's cane. Next day he sent me a challenge by William Ponsonby of
+Crottoe; but very shortly after, he wrote to me to state, that since he
+had challenged me, he had discovered that my life was inserted in a very
+valuable lease of his. 'Under these circumstances,' he continued, 'I
+cannot afford to shoot you, unless, as a precautionary measure, you
+first insure your life for my benefit. If you do, then heigh for powder
+and ball! I'm your man.' Now this seems so ludicrously absurd, that it
+is almost incredible; yet it is literally true. S---- was a very timid
+man; yet he fought six duels--in fact, he fought them all out of pure
+fear."
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] Judge Robinson was the author of many stupid, slavish, and
+scurrilous political pamphlets; and, by his demerits, raised to the
+eminence which he thus disgraced.--_Lord Brougham_.
+
+[2] The name by which Methodists are known in Ireland.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Irish Wit and Humor, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH WIT AND HUMOR ***
+
+***** This file should be named 19220-8.txt or 19220-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/2/19220/
+
+Produced by Marilynda Fraser-Cunliffe, Ted Garvin and the
+Online Distributed Proofreaders Europe at
+http://dp.rastko.net (produced from page scans provided
+by the Digital and Multimedia Center, Michigan State
+University Libraries)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+