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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:18:08 -0700 |
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diff --git a/1969-h/1969-h.htm b/1969-h/1969-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eba4012 --- /dev/null +++ b/1969-h/1969-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8230 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Catherine: a Story, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's Catherine: A Story, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Catherine: A Story + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: September 26, 2008 [EBook #1969] +Last Updated: March 5, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CATHERINE: A STORY *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + CATHERINE: A STORY + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <h4> + [Catherine, A Story by Ikey Solomons, Esq., Junior.] + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> ADVERTISEMENT </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. INTRODUCING TO THE READER THE CHIEF + PERSONAGE OF THIS NARRATIVE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. IN WHICH ARE DEPICTED THE PLEASURES + OF A SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. IN WHICH A NARCOTIC IS + ADMINISTERED, AND A GREAT DEAL OF GENTEEL SOCIETY DEPICTED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH MRS. CATHERINE BECOMES AN + HONEST WOMAN AGAIN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. CONTAINS MR. BROCK'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, + AND OTHER MATTERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. ADVENTURES OF THE AMBASSADOR, MR. + MACSHANE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. WHICH EMBRACES A PERIOD OF SEVEN + YEARS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. ENUMERATES THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF + MASTER THOMAS BILLINGS—INTRODUCES BROCK AS DOCTOR WOOD—AND + ANNOUNCES THE EXECUTION OF ENSIGN MACSHANE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. INTERVIEW BETWEEN COUNT GALGENSTEIN + AND MASTER THOMAS BILLINGS, WHEN HE INFORMS THE COUNT OF HIS PARENTAGE. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. SHOWING HOW GALGENSTEIN AND MRS. CAT + RECOGNISE EACH OTHER IN MARYLEBONE GARDENS—AND HOW THE COUNT + DRIVES HER HOME IN HIS CARRIAGE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. OF SOME DOMESTIC QUARRELS, AND THE + CONSEQUENCE THEREOF. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. TREATS OF LOVE, AND PREPARES FOR + DEATH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. BEING A PREPARATION FOR THE END. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER THE LAST. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> ANOTHER LAST CHAPTER. </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ADVERTISEMENT + </h2> + <p> + The story of “Catherine,” which appeared in Fraser's Magazine in 1839-40, + was written by Mr. Thackeray, under the name of Ikey Solomons, Jun., to + counteract the injurious influence of some popular fictions of that day, + which made heroes of highwaymen and burglars, and created a false sympathy + for the vicious and criminal. + </p> + <p> + With this purpose, the author chose for the subject of his story a woman + named Catherine Hayes, who was burned at Tyburn, in 1726, for the + deliberate murder of her husband, under very revolting circumstances. Mr. + Thackeray's aim obviously was to describe the career of this wretched + woman and her associates with such fidelity to truth as to exhibit the + danger and folly of investing such persons with heroic and romantic + qualities. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. INTRODUCING TO THE READER THE CHIEF PERSONAGE OF THIS + NARRATIVE. + </h2> + <p> + At that famous period of history, when the seventeenth century (after a + deal of quarrelling, king-killing, reforming, republicanising, restoring, + re-restoring, play-writing, sermon-writing, Oliver-Cromwellising, + Stuartising, and Orangising, to be sure) had sunk into its grave, giving + place to the lusty eighteenth; when Mr. Isaac Newton was a tutor of + Trinity, and Mr. Joseph Addison Commissioner of Appeals; when the + presiding genius that watched over the destinies of the French nation had + played out all the best cards in his hand, and his adversaries began to + pour in their trumps; when there were two kings in Spain employed + perpetually in running away from one another; when there was a queen in + England, with such rogues for Ministers as have never been seen, no, not + in our own day; and a General, of whom it may be severely argued, whether + he was the meanest miser or the greatest hero in the world; when Mrs. + Masham had not yet put Madam Marlborough's nose out of joint; when people + had their ears cut off for writing very meek political pamphlets; and very + large full-bottomed wigs were just beginning to be worn with powder; and + the face of Louis the Great, as his was handed in to him behind the + bed-curtains, was, when issuing thence, observed to look longer, older, + and more dismal daily.... + </p> + <p> + About the year One thousand seven hundred and five, that is, in the + glorious reign of Queen Anne, there existed certain characters, and befell + a series of adventures, which, since they are strictly in accordance with + the present fashionable style and taste; since they have been already + partly described in the “Newgate Calendar;” since they are (as shall be + seen anon) agreeably low, delightfully disgusting, and at the same time + eminently pleasing and pathetic, may properly be set down here. + </p> + <p> + And though it may be said, with some considerable show of reason, that + agreeably low and delightfully disgusting characters have already been + treated, both copiously and ably, by some eminent writers of the present + (and, indeed, of future) ages; though to tread in the footsteps of the + immortal FAGIN requires a genius of inordinate stride, and to go a-robbing + after the late though deathless TURPIN, the renowned JACK SHEPPARD, or the + embryo DUVAL, may be impossible, and not an infringement, but a wasteful + indication of ill-will towards the eighth commandment; though it may, on + the one hand, be asserted that only vain coxcombs would dare to write on + subjects already described by men really and deservedly eminent; on the + other hand, that these subjects have been described so fully, that nothing + more can be said about them; on the third hand (allowing, for the sake of + argument, three hands to one figure of speech), that the public has heard + so much of them, as to be quite tired of rogues, thieves, cutthroats, and + Newgate altogether;—though all these objections may be urged, and + each is excellent, yet we intend to take a few more pages from the “Old + Bailey Calendar,” to bless the public with one more draught from the Stone + Jug:[*]—yet awhile to listen, hurdle-mounted, and riding down the + Oxford Road, to the bland conversation of Jack Ketch, and to hang with him + round the neck of his patient, at the end of our and his history. We give + the reader fair notice, that we shall tickle him with a few such scenes of + villainy, throat-cutting, and bodily suffering in general, as are not to + be found, no, not in—; never mind comparisons, for such are odious. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This, as your Ladyship is aware, is the polite name for + Her Majesty's Prison of Newgate. +</pre> + <p> + In the year 1705, then, whether it was that the Queen of England did feel + seriously alarmed at the notion that a French prince should occupy the + Spanish throne; or whether she was tenderly attached to the Emperor of + Germany; or whether she was obliged to fight out the quarrel of William of + Orange, who made us pay and fight for his Dutch provinces; or whether poor + old Louis Quatorze did really frighten her; or whether Sarah Jennings and + her husband wanted to make a fight, knowing how much they should gain by + it;—whatever the reason was, it was evident that the war was to + continue, and there was almost as much soldiering and recruiting, + parading, pike and gun-exercising, flag-flying, drum-beating, + powder-blazing, and military enthusiasm, as we can all remember in the + year 1801, what time the Corsican upstart menaced our shores. A + recruiting-party and captain of Cutts's regiment (which had been so + mangled at Blenheim the year before) were now in Warwickshire; and having + their depot at Warwick, the captain and his attendant, the corporal, were + used to travel through the country, seeking for heroes to fill up the gaps + in Cutts's corps,—and for adventures to pass away the weary time of + a country life. + </p> + <p> + Our Captain Plume and Sergeant Kite (it was at this time, by the way, that + those famous recruiting-officers were playing their pranks in Shrewsbury) + were occupied very much in the same manner with Farquhar's heroes. They + roamed from Warwick to Stratford, and from Stratford to Birmingham, + persuading the swains of Warwickshire to leave the plough for the Pike, + and despatching, from time to time, small detachments of recruits to + extend Marlborough's lines, and to act as food for the hungry cannon at + Ramillies and Malplaquet. + </p> + <p> + Of those two gentlemen who are about to act a very important part in our + history, one only was probably a native of Britain,—we say probably, + because the individual in question was himself quite uncertain, and, it + must be added, entirely indifferent about his birthplace; but speaking the + English language, and having been during the course of his life pretty + generally engaged in the British service, he had a tolerably fair claim to + the majestic title of Briton. His name was Peter Brock, otherwise Corporal + Brock, of Lord Cutts's regiment of dragoons; he was of age about + fifty-seven (even that point has never been ascertained); in height about + five feet six inches; in weight, nearly thirteen stone; with a chest that + the celebrated Leitch himself might envy; an arm that was like an + opera-dancer's leg; a stomach so elastic that it would accommodate itself + to any given or stolen quantity of food; a great aptitude for strong + liquors; a considerable skill in singing chansons de table of not the most + delicate kind; he was a lover of jokes, of which he made many, and + passably bad; when pleased, simply coarse, boisterous, and jovial; when + angry, a perfect demon: bullying, cursing, storming, fighting, as is + sometimes the wont with gentlemen of his cloth and education. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock was strictly, what the Marquis of Rodil styled himself in a + proclamation to his soldiers after running away, a hijo de la guerra—a + child of war. Not seven cities, but one or two regiments, might contend + for the honour of giving him birth; for his mother, whose name he took, + had acted as camp-follower to a Royalist regiment; had then obeyed the + Parliamentarians; died in Scotland when Monk was commanding in that + country; and the first appearance of Mr. Brock in a public capacity + displayed him as a fifer in the General's own regiment of Coldstreamers, + when they marched from Scotland to London, and from a republic at once + into a monarchy. Since that period, Brock had been always with the army, + he had had, too, some promotion, for he spake of having a command at the + battle of the Boyne; though probably (as he never mentioned the fact) upon + the losing side. The very year before this narrative commences, he had + been one of Mordaunt's forlorn hope at Schellenberg, for which service he + was promised a pair of colours; he lost them, however, and was almost shot + (but fate did not ordain that his career should close in that way) for + drunkenness and insubordination immediately after the battle; but having + in some measure reinstated himself by a display of much gallantry at + Blenheim, it was found advisable to send him to England for the purposes + of recruiting, and remove him altogether from the regiment where his + gallantry only rendered the example of his riot more dangerous. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock's commander was a slim young gentleman of twenty-six, about whom + there was likewise a history, if one would take the trouble to inquire. He + was a Bavarian by birth (his mother being an English lady), and enjoyed + along with a dozen other brothers the title of count: eleven of these, of + course, were penniless; one or two were priests, one a monk, six or seven + in various military services, and the elder at home at Schloss Galgenstein + breeding horses, hunting wild boars, swindling tenants, living in a great + house with small means; obliged to be sordid at home all the year, to be + splendid for a month at the capital, as is the way with many other + noblemen. Our young count, Count Gustavus Adolphus Maximilian von + Galgenstein, had been in the service of the French as page to a nobleman; + then of His Majesty's gardes du corps; then a lieutenant and captain in + the Bavarian service; and when, after the battle of Blenheim, two + regiments of Germans came over to the winning side, Gustavus Adolphus + Maximilian found himself among them; and at the epoch when this story + commences, had enjoyed English pay for a year or more. It is unnecessary + to say how he exchanged into his present regiment; how it appeared that, + before her marriage, handsome John Churchill had known the young + gentleman's mother, when they were both penniless hangers-on at Charles + the Second's court;—it is, we say, quite useless to repeat all the + scandal of which we are perfectly masters, and to trace step by step the + events of his history. Here, however, was Gustavus Adolphus, in a small + inn, in a small village of Warwickshire, on an autumn evening in the year + 1705; and at the very moment when this history begins, he and Mr. Brock, + his corporal and friend, were seated at a round table before the + kitchen-fire while a small groom of the establishment was leading up and + down on the village green, before the inn door, two black, glossy, + long-tailed, barrel-bellied, thick-flanked, arch-necked, Roman-nosed + Flanders horses, which were the property of the two gentlemen now taking + their ease at the “Bugle Inn.” The two gentlemen were seated at their ease + at the inn table, drinking mountain-wine; and if the reader fancies from + the sketch which we have given of their lives, or from his own blindness + and belief in the perfectibility of human nature, that the sun of that + autumn evening shone upon any two men in county or city, at desk or + harvest, at Court or at Newgate, drunk or sober, who were greater rascals + than Count Gustavus Galgenstein and Corporal Peter Brock, he is + egregiously mistaken, and his knowledge of human nature is not worth a + fig. If they had not been two prominent scoundrels, what earthly business + should we have in detailing their histories? What would the public care + for them? Who would meddle with dull virtue, humdrum sentiment, or stupid + innocence, when vice, agreeable vice, is the only thing which the readers + of romances care to hear? + </p> + <p> + The little horse-boy, who was leading the two black Flanders horses up and + down the green, might have put them in the stable for any good that the + horses got by the gentle exercise which they were now taking in the cool + evening air, as their owners had not ridden very far or very hard, and + there was not a hair turned of their sleek shining coats; but the lad had + been especially ordered so to walk the horses about until he received + further commands from the gentlemen reposing in the “Bugle” kitchen; and + the idlers of the village seemed so pleased with the beasts, and their + smart saddles and shining bridles, that it would have been a pity to + deprive them of the pleasure of contemplating such an innocent spectacle. + Over the Count's horse was thrown a fine red cloth, richly embroidered in + yellow worsted, a very large count's coronet and a cipher at the four + corners of the covering; and under this might be seen a pair of gorgeous + silver stirrups, and above it, a couple of silver-mounted pistols reposing + in bearskin holsters; the bit was silver too, and the horse's head was + decorated with many smart ribbons. Of the Corporal's steed, suffice it to + say, that the ornaments were in brass, as bright, though not perhaps so + valuable, as those which decorated the Captain's animal. The boys, who had + been at play on the green, first paused and entered into conversation with + the horse-boy; then the village matrons followed; and afterwards, + sauntering by ones and twos, came the village maidens, who love soldiers + as flies love treacle; presently the males began to arrive, and lo! the + parson of the parish, taking his evening walk with Mrs. Dobbs, and the + four children his offspring, at length joined himself to his flock. + </p> + <p> + To this audience the little ostler explained that the animals belonged to + two gentlemen now reposing at the “Bugle:” one young with gold hair, the + other old with grizzled locks; both in red coats; both in jack-boots; + putting the house into a bustle, and calling for the best. He then + discoursed to some of his own companions regarding the merits of the + horses; and the parson, a learned man, explained to the villagers, that + one of the travellers must be a count, or at least had a count's + horsecloth; pronounced that the stirrups were of real silver, and checked + the impetuosity of his son, William Nassau Dobbs, who was for mounting the + animals, and who expressed a longing to fire off one of the pistols in the + holsters. + </p> + <p> + As this family discussion was taking place, the gentlemen whose appearance + had created so much attention came to the door of the inn, and the elder + and stouter was seen to smile at his companion; after which he strolled + leisurely over the green, and seemed to examine with much benevolent + satisfaction the assemblage of villagers who were staring at him and the + quadrupeds. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock, when he saw the parson's band and cassock, took off his beaver + reverently, and saluted the divine: “I hope your reverence won't baulk the + little fellow,” said he; “I think I heard him calling out for a ride, and + whether he should like my horse, or his Lordship's horse, I am sure it is + all one. Don't be afraid, sir! the horses are not tired; we have only come + seventy mile to-day, and Prince Eugene once rode a matter of fifty-two + leagues (a hundred and fifty miles), sir, upon that horse, between sunrise + and sunset.” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious powers! on which horse?” said Doctor Dobbs, very solemnly. + </p> + <p> + “On THIS, sir,—on mine, Corporal Brock of Cutts's black gelding, + 'William of Nassau.' The Prince, sir, gave it me after Blenheim fight, for + I had my own legs carried away by a cannon-ball, just as I cut down two of + Sauerkrauter's regiment, who had made the Prince prisoner.” + </p> + <p> + “Your own legs, sir!” said the Doctor. “Gracious goodness! this is more + and more astonishing!” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, not my own legs, my horse's I mean, sir; and the Prince gave me + 'William of Nassau' that very day.” + </p> + <p> + To this no direct reply was made; but the Doctor looked at Mrs. Dobbs, and + Mrs. Dobbs and the rest of the children at her eldest son, who grinned and + said, “Isn't it wonderful?” The Corporal to this answered nothing, but, + resuming his account, pointed to the other horse and said, “THAT horse, + sir—good as mine is—that horse, with the silver stirrups, is + his Excellency's horse, Captain Count Maximilian Gustavus Adolphus von + Galgenstein, captain of horse and of the Holy Roman Empire” (he lifted + here his hat with much gravity, and all the crowd, even to the parson, did + likewise). “We call him 'George of Denmark,' sir, in compliment to Her + Majesty's husband: he is Blenheim too, sir; Marshal Tallard rode him on + that day, and you know how HE was taken prisoner by the Count.” + </p> + <p> + “George of Denmark, Marshal Tallard, William of Nassau! this is strange + indeed, most wonderful! Why, sir, little are you aware that there are + before you, AT THIS MOMENT, two other living beings who bear these + venerated names! My boys, stand forward! Look here, sir: these children + have been respectively named after our late sovereign and the husband of + our present Queen.” + </p> + <p> + “And very good names too, sir; ay, and very noble little fellows too; and + I propose that, with your reverence and your ladyship's leave, William + Nassau here shall ride on George of Denmark, and George of Denmark shall + ride on William of Nassau.” + </p> + <p> + When this speech of the Corporal's was made, the whole crowd set up a + loyal hurrah; and, with much gravity, the two little boys were lifted up + into the saddles; and the Corporal leading one, entrusted the other to the + horse-boy, and so together marched stately up and down the green. + </p> + <p> + The popularity which Mr. Brock gained by this manoeuvre was very great; + but with regard to the names of the horses and children, which coincided + so extraordinarily, it is but fair to state, that the christening of the + quadrupeds had only taken place about two minutes before the dragoon's + appearance on the green. For if the fact must be confessed, he, while + seated near the inn window, had kept a pretty wistful eye upon all going + on without; and the horses marching thus to and fro for the wonderment of + the village, were only placards or advertisements for the riders. + </p> + <p> + There was, besides the boy now occupied with the horses, and the landlord + and landlady of the “Bugle Inn,” another person connected with that + establishment—a very smart, handsome, vain, giggling servant-girl, + about the age of sixteen, who went by the familiar name of Cat, and + attended upon the gentlemen in the parlour, while the landlady was + employed in cooking their supper in the kitchen. This young person had + been educated in the village poor-house, and having been pronounced by + Doctor Dobbs and the schoolmaster the idlest, dirtiest, and most + passionate little minx with whom either had ever had to do, she was, after + receiving a very small portion of literary instruction (indeed it must be + stated that the young lady did not know her letters), bound apprentice at + the age of nine years to Mrs. Score, her relative, and landlady of the + “Bugle Inn.” + </p> + <p> + If Miss Cat, or Catherine Hall, was a slattern and a minx, Mrs. Score was + a far superior shrew; and for the seven years of her apprenticeship the + girl was completely at her mistress's mercy. Yet though wondrously stingy, + jealous, and violent, while her maid was idle and extravagant, and her + husband seemed to abet the girl, Mrs. Score put up with the wench's airs, + idleness, and caprices, without ever wishing to dismiss her from the + “Bugle.” The fact is, that Miss Catherine was a great beauty, and for + about two years, since her fame had begun to spread, the custom of the inn + had also increased vastly. When there was a debate whether the farmers, on + their way from market, would take t'other pot, Catherine, by appearing + with it, would straightway cause the liquor to be swallowed and paid for; + and when the traveller who proposed riding that night and sleeping at + Coventry or Birmingham, was asked by Miss Catherine whether he would like + a fire in his bedroom, he generally was induced to occupy it, although he + might before have vowed to Mrs. Score that he would not for a thousand + guineas be absent from home that night. The girl had, too, half-a-dozen + lovers in the village; and these were bound in honour to spend their pence + at the alehouse she inhabited. O woman, lovely woman! what strong resolves + canst thou twist round thy little finger! what gunpowder passions canst + thou kindle with a single sparkle of thine eye! what lies and fribble + nonsense canst thou make us listen to, as they were gospel truth or + splendid wit! above all what bad liquor canst thou make us swallow when + thou puttest a kiss within the cup—and we are content to call the + poison wine! + </p> + <p> + The mountain-wine at the “Bugle” was, in fact, execrable; but Mrs. Cat, + who served it to the two soldiers, made it so agreeable to them, that they + found it a passable, even a pleasant task, to swallow the contents of a + second bottle. The miracle had been wrought instantaneously on her + appearance: for whereas at that very moment the Count was employed in + cursing the wine, the landlady, the wine-grower, and the English nation + generally, when the young woman entered and (choosing so to interpret the + oaths) said, “Coming, your honour; I think your honour called”—Gustavus + Adolphus whistled, stared at her very hard, and seeming quite + dumb-stricken by her appearance, contented himself by swallowing a whole + glass of mountain by way of reply. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock was, however, by no means so confounded as his captain: he was + thirty years older than the latter, and in the course of fifty years of + military life had learned to look on the most dangerous enemy, or the most + beautiful woman, with the like daring, devil-may-care determination to + conquer. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Mary,” then said that gentleman, “his honour is a lord; as good + as a lord, that is; for all he allows such humble fellows as I am to drink + with him.” + </p> + <p> + Catherine dropped a low curtsey, and said, “Well, I don't know if you are + joking a poor country girl, as all you soldier gentlemen do; but his + honour LOOKS like a lord: though I never see one, to be sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said the Captain, gathering courage, “how do you know I look like + one, pretty Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “Pretty Catherine: I mean Catherine, if you please, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Here Mr. Brock burst into a roar of laughter, and shouting with many oaths + that she was right at first, invited her to give him what he called a + buss. + </p> + <p> + Pretty Catherine turned away from him at this request, and muttered + something about “Keep your distance, low fellow! buss indeed; poor country + girl,” etc. etc., placing herself, as if for protection, on the side of + the Captain. That gentleman looked also very angry; but whether at the + sight of innocence so outraged, or the insolence of the Corporal for + daring to help himself first, we cannot say. “Hark ye, Mr. Brock,” he + cried very fiercely, “I will suffer no such liberties in my presence: + remember, it is only my condescension which permits you to share my bottle + in this way; take care I don't give you instead a taste of my cane.” So + saying, he, in a protecting manner, placed one hand round Mrs. Catherine's + waist, holding the other clenched very near to the Corporal's nose. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Catherine, for HER share of this action of the Count's, dropped + another curtsey and said, “Thank you, my Lord.” But Galgenstein's threat + did not appear to make any impression on Mr. Brock, as indeed there was no + reason that it should; for the Corporal, at a combat of fisticuffs, could + have pounded his commander into a jelly in ten minutes; so he contented + himself by saying, “Well, noble Captain, there's no harm done; it IS an + honour for poor old Peter Brock to be at table with you, and I AM sorry, + sure enough.” + </p> + <p> + “In truth, Peter, I believe thou art; thou hast good reason, eh, Peter? + But never fear, man; had I struck thee, I never would have hurt thee.” + </p> + <p> + “I KNOW you would not,” replied Brock, laying his hand on his heart with + much gravity; and so peace was made, and healths were drunk. Miss + Catherine condescended to put her lips to the Captain's glass; who swore + that the wine was thus converted into nectar; and although the girl had + not previously heard of that liquor, she received the compliment as a + compliment, and smiled and simpered in return. + </p> + <p> + The poor thing had never before seen anybody so handsome, or so finely + dressed as the Count; and, in the simplicity of her coquetry, allowed her + satisfaction to be quite visible. Nothing could be more clumsy than the + gentleman's mode of complimenting her; but for this, perhaps, his speeches + were more effective than others more delicate would have been; and though + she said to each, “Oh, now, my Lord,” and “La, Captain, how can you + flatter one so?” and “Your honour's laughing at me,” and made such polite + speeches as are used on these occasions, it was manifest from the flutter + and blush, and the grin of satisfaction which lighted up the buxom + features of the little country beauty, that the Count's first operations + had been highly successful. When following up his attack, he produced from + his neck a small locket (which had been given him by a Dutch lady at the + Brill), and begged Miss Catherine to wear it for his sake, and chucked her + under the chin and called her his little rosebud, it was pretty clear how + things would go: anybody who could see the expression of Mr. Brock's + countenance at this event might judge of the progress of the irresistible + High-Dutch conqueror. + </p> + <p> + Being of a very vain communicative turn, our fair barmaid gave her two + companions, not only a pretty long account of herself, but of many other + persons in the village, whom she could perceive from the window opposite + to which she stood. “Yes, your honour,” said she—“my Lord, I mean; + sixteen last March, though there's a many girl in the village that at my + age is quite chits. There's Polly Randall now, that red-haired girl along + with Thomas Curtis: she's seventeen if she's a day, though he is the very + first sweetheart she has had. Well, as I am saying, I was bred up here in + the village—father and mother died very young, and I was left a poor + orphan—well, bless us! if Thomas haven't kissed her!—to the + care of Mrs. Score, my aunt, who has been a mother to me—a + stepmother, you know;—and I've been to Stratford fair, and to + Warwick many a time; and there's two people who have offered to marry me, + and ever so many who want to, and I won't have none—only a + gentleman, as I've always said; not a poor clodpole, like Tom there with + the red waistcoat (he was one that asked me), nor a drunken fellow like + Sam Blacksmith yonder, him whose wife has got the black eye, but a real + gentleman, like—” + </p> + <p> + “Like whom, my dear?” said the Captain, encouraged. + </p> + <p> + “La, sir, how can you? Why, like our squire, Sir John, who rides in such a + mortal fine gold coach; or, at least, like the parson, Doctor Dobbs—that's + he, in the black gown, walking with Madam Dobbs in red.” + </p> + <p> + “And are those his children?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes: two girls and two boys; and only think, he calls one William Nassau, + and one George Denmark—isn't it odd?” And from the parson, Mrs. + Catherine went on to speak of several humble personages of the village + community, who, as they are not necessary to our story, need not be + described at full length. It was when, from the window, Corporal Brock saw + the altercation between the worthy divine and his son, respecting the + latter's ride, that he judged it a fitting time to step out on the green, + and to bestow on the two horses those famous historical names which we + have just heard applied to them. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock's diplomacy was, as we have stated, quite successful; for, when + the parson's boys had ridden and retired along with their mamma and papa, + other young gentlemen of humbler rank in the village were placed upon + “George of Denmark” and “William of Nassau;” the Corporal joking and + laughing with all the grown-up people. The women, in spite of Mr. Brock's + age, his red nose, and a certain squint of his eye, vowed the Corporal was + a jewel of a man; and among the men his popularity was equally great. + </p> + <p> + “How much dost thee get, Thomas Clodpole?” said Mr. Brock to a countryman + (he was the man whom Mrs. Catherine had described as her suitor), who had + laughed loudest at some of his jokes: “how much dost thee get for a week's + work, now?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Clodpole, whose name was really Bullock, stated that his wages + amounted to “three shillings and a puddn.” + </p> + <p> + “Three shillings and a puddn!—monstrous!—and for this you toil + like a galley-slave, as I have seen them in Turkey and America,—ay, + gentlemen, and in the country of Prester John! You shiver out of bed on + icy winter mornings, to break the ice for Ball and Dapple to drink.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, indeed,” said the person addressed, who seemed astounded at the + extent of the Corporal's information. + </p> + <p> + “Or you clean pigsty, and take dung down to meadow; or you act watchdog + and tend sheep; or you sweep a scythe over a great field of grass; and + when the sun has scorched the eyes out of your head, and sweated the flesh + off your bones, and well-nigh fried the soul out of your body, you go + home, to what?—three shillings a week and a puddn! Do you get + pudding every day?” + </p> + <p> + “No; only Sundays.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you get money enough?” + </p> + <p> + “No, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you get beer enough?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, NEVER!” said Mr. Bullock quite resolutely. + </p> + <p> + “Worthy Clodpole, give us thy hand: it shall have beer enough this day, or + my name's not Corporal Brock. Here's the money, boy! there are twenty + pieces in this purse: and how do you think I got 'em? and how do you think + I shall get others when these are gone?—by serving Her Sacred + Majesty, to be sure: long life to her, and down with the French King!” + </p> + <p> + Bullock, a few of the men, and two or three of the boys, piped out an + hurrah, in compliment to this speech of the Corporal's: but it was + remarked that the greater part of the crowd drew back—the women + whispering ominously to them and looking at the Corporal. + </p> + <p> + “I see, ladies, what it is,” said he. “You are frightened, and think I am + a crimp come to steal your sweethearts away. What! call Peter Brock a + double-dealer? I tell you what, boys, Jack Churchill himself has shaken + this hand, and drunk a pot with me: do you think he'd shake hands with a + rogue? Here's Tummas Clodpole has never had beer enough, and here am I + will stand treat to him and any other gentleman: am I good enough company + for him? I have money, look you, and like to spend it: what should <i>I</i> + be doing dirty actions for—hay, Tummas?” + </p> + <p> + A satisfactory reply to this query was not, of course, expected by the + Corporal nor uttered by Mr. Bullock; and the end of the dispute was, that + he and three or four of the rustic bystanders were quite convinced of the + good intentions of their new friend, and accompanied him back to the + “Bugle,” to regale upon the promised beer. Among the Corporal's guests was + one young fellow whose dress would show that he was somewhat better to do + in the world than Clodpole and the rest of the sunburnt ragged troop, who + were marching towards the alehouse. This man was the only one of his + hearers who, perhaps, was sceptical as to the truth of his stories; but as + soon as Bullock accepted the invitation to drink, John Hayes, the + carpenter (for such was his name and profession), said, “Well, Thomas, if + thou goest, I will go too.” + </p> + <p> + “I know thee wilt,” said Thomas: “thou'lt goo anywhere Catty Hall is, + provided thou canst goo for nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay, I have a penny to spend as good as the Corporal here.” + </p> + <p> + “A penny to KEEP, you mean: for all your love for the lass at the 'Bugle,' + did thee ever spend a shilling in the house? Thee wouldn't go now, but + that I am going too, and the Captain here stands treat.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, come, gentlemen, no quarrelling,” said Mr. Brock. “If this pretty + fellow will join us, amen say I: there's lots of liquor, and plenty of + money to pay the score. Comrade Tummas, give us thy arm. Mr. Hayes, you're + a hearty cock, I make no doubt, and all such are welcome. Come along, my + gentleman farmers, Mr. Brock shall have the honour to pay for you all.” + And with this, Corporal Brock, accompanied by Messrs. Hayes, Bullock, + Blacksmith, Baker's-boy, Butcher, and one or two others, adjourned to the + inn; the horses being, at the same time, conducted to the stable. + </p> + <p> + Although we have, in this quiet way, and without any flourishing of + trumpets, or beginning of chapters, introduced Mr. Hayes to the public; + and although, at first sight, a sneaking carpenter's boy may seem hardly + worthy of the notice of an intelligent reader, who looks for a good + cut-throat or highwayman for a hero, or a pickpocket at the very least: + this gentleman's words and actions should be carefully studied by the + public, as he is destined to appear before them under very polite and + curious circumstances during the course of this history. The speech of the + rustic Juvenal, Mr. Clodpole, had seemed to infer that Hayes was at once + careful of his money and a warm admirer of Mrs. Catherine of the “Bugle:” + and both the charges were perfectly true. Hayes's father was reported to + be a man of some substance; and young John, who was performing his + apprenticeship in the village, did not fail to talk very big of his + pretensions to fortune—of his entering, at the close of his + indentures, into partnership with his father—and of the comfortable + farm and house over which Mrs. John Hayes, whoever she might be, would one + day preside. Thus, next to the barber and butcher, and above even his own + master, Mr. Hayes took rank in the village: and it must not be concealed + that his representation of wealth had made some impression upon Mrs. Hall + toward whom the young gentleman had cast the eyes of affection. If he had + been tolerably well-looking, and not pale, rickety, and feeble as he was; + if even he had been ugly, but withal a man of spirit, it is probable the + girl's kindness for him would have been much more decided. But he was a + poor weak creature, not to compare with honest Thomas Bullock, by at least + nine inches; and so notoriously timid, selfish, and stingy, that there was + a kind of shame in receiving his addresses openly; and what encouragement + Mrs. Catherine gave him could only be in secret. + </p> + <p> + But no mortal is wise at all times: and the fact was, that Hayes, who + cared for himself intensely, had set his heart upon winning Catherine; and + loved her with a desperate greedy eagerness and desire of possession, + which makes passions for women often so fierce and unreasonable among very + cold and selfish men. His parents (whose frugality he had inherited) had + tried in vain to wean him from this passion, and had made many fruitless + attempts to engage him with women who possessed money and desired + husbands; but Hayes was, for a wonder, quite proof against their + attractions; and, though quite ready to acknowledge the absurdity of his + love for a penniless alehouse servant-girl, nevertheless persisted in it + doggedly. “I know I'm a fool,” said he; “and what's more, the girl does + not care for me; but marry her I must, or I think I shall just die: and + marry her I will.” For very much to the credit of Miss Catherine's + modesty, she had declared that marriage was with her a sine qua non, and + had dismissed, with the loudest scorn and indignation, all propositions of + a less proper nature. + </p> + <p> + Poor Thomas Bullock was another of her admirers, and had offered to marry + her; but three shillings a week and a puddn was not to the girl's taste, + and Thomas had been scornfully rejected. Hayes had also made her a direct + proposal. Catherine did not say no: she was too prudent: but she was young + and could wait; she did not care for Mr. Hayes yet enough to marry him—(it + did not seem, indeed, in the young woman's nature to care for anybody)—and + she gave her adorer flatteringly to understand that, if nobody better + appeared in the course of a few years, she might be induced to become Mrs. + Hayes. It was a dismal prospect for the poor fellow to live upon the hope + of being one day Mrs. Catherine's pis-aller. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime she considered herself free as the wind, and permitted + herself all the innocent gaieties which that “chartered libertine,” a + coquette, can take. She flirted with all the bachelors, widowers, and + married men, in a manner which did extraordinary credit to her years: and + let not the reader fancy such pastimes unnatural at her early age. The + ladies—Heaven bless them!—are, as a general rule, coquettes + from babyhood upwards. Little SHE'S of three years old play little airs + and graces upon small heroes of five; simpering misses of nine make + attacks upon young gentlemen of twelve; and at sixteen, a well-grown girl, + under encouraging circumstances—say, she is pretty, in a family of + ugly elder sisters, or an only child and heiress, or a humble wench at a + country inn, like our fair Catherine—is at the very pink and prime + of her coquetry: they will jilt you at that age with an ease and arch + infantine simplicity that never can be surpassed in maturer years. + </p> + <p> + Miss Catherine, then, was a franche coquette, and Mr. John Hayes was + miserable. His life was passed in a storm of mean passions and bitter + jealousies, and desperate attacks upon the indifference-rock of Mrs. + Catherine's heart, which not all his tempest of love could beat down. O + cruel cruel pangs of love unrequited! Mean rogues feel them as well as + great heroes. Lives there the man in Europe who has not felt them many + times?—who has not knelt, and fawned, and supplicated, and wept, and + cursed, and raved, all in vain; and passed long wakeful nights with ghosts + of dead hopes for company; shadows of buried remembrances that glide out + of their graves of nights, and whisper, “We are dead now, but we WERE + once; and we made you happy, and we come now to mock you:—despair, O + lover, despair, and die”?—O cruel pangs!—dismal nights!—Now + a sly demon creeps under your nightcap, and drops into your ear those soft + hope-breathing sweet words, uttered on the well-remembered evening: there, + in the drawer of your dressing-table (along with the razors, and Macassar + oil), lies the dead flower that Lady Amelia Wilhelmina wore in her bosom + on the night of a certain ball—the corpse of a glorious hope that + seemed once as if it would live for ever, so strong was it, so full of joy + and sunshine: there, in your writing-desk, among a crowd of unpaid bills, + is the dirty scrap of paper, thimble-sealed, which came in company with a + pair of muffetees of her knitting (she was a butcher's daughter, and did + all she could, poor thing!), begging “you would ware them at collidge, and + think of her who”—married a public-house three weeks afterwards, and + cares for you no more now than she does for the pot-boy. But why multiply + instances, or seek to depict the agony of poor mean-spirited John Hayes? + No mistake can be greater than that of fancying such great emotions of + love are only felt by virtuous or exalted men: depend upon it, Love, like + Death, plays havoc among the pauperum tabernas, and sports with rich and + poor, wicked and virtuous, alike. I have often fancied, for instance, on + seeing the haggard pale young old-clothesman, who wakes the echoes of our + street with his nasal cry of “Clo'!”—I have often, I said, fancied + that, besides the load of exuvial coats and breeches under which he + staggers, there is another weight on him—an atrior cura at his tail—and + while his unshorn lips and nose together are performing that mocking, + boisterous, Jack-indifferent cry of “Clo', clo'!” who knows what woeful + utterances are crying from the heart within? There he is, chaffering with + the footman at No. 7 about an old dressing-gown: you think his whole soul + is bent only on the contest about the garment. Psha! there is, perhaps, + some faithless girl in Holywell Street who fills up his heart; and that + desultory Jew-boy is a peripatetic hell! Take another instance:—take + the man in the beef-shop in Saint Martin's Court. There he is, to all + appearances quite calm: before the same round of beef—from morning + till sundown—for hundreds of years very likely. Perhaps when the + shutters are closed, and all the world tired and silent, there is HE + silent, but untired—cutting, cutting, cutting. You enter, you get + your meat to your liking, you depart; and, quite unmoved, on, on he goes, + reaping ceaselessly the Great Harvest of Beef. You would fancy that if + Passion ever failed to conquer, it had in vain assailed the calm bosom of + THAT MAN. I doubt it, and would give much to know his history. + </p> + <p> + Who knows what furious Aetna-flames are raging underneath the surface of + that calm flesh-mountain—who can tell me that that calmness itself + is not DESPAIR? + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The reader, if he does not now understand why it was that Mr. Hayes agreed + to drink the Corporal's proffered beer, had better just read the foregoing + remarks over again, and if he does not understand THEN, why, small praise + to his brains. Hayes could not bear that Mr. Bullock should have a chance + of seeing, and perhaps making love to Mrs. Catherine in his absence; and + though the young woman never diminished her coquetries, but, on the + contrary, rather increased them in his presence, it was still a kind of + dismal satisfaction to be miserable in her company. + </p> + <p> + On this occasion, the disconsolate lover could be wretched to his heart's + content; for Catherine had not a word or a look for him, but bestowed all + her smiles upon the handsome stranger who owned the black horse. As for + poor Tummas Bullock, his passion was never violent; and he was content in + the present instance to sigh and drink beer. He sighed and drank, sighed + and drank, and drank again, until he had swallowed so much of the + Corporal's liquor, as to be induced to accept a guinea from his purse + also; and found himself, on returning to reason and sobriety, a soldier of + Queen Anne's. + </p> + <p> + But oh! fancy the agonies of Mr. Hayes when, seated with the Corporal's + friends at one end of the kitchen, he saw the Captain at the place of + honour, and the smiles which the fair maid bestowed upon him; when, as she + lightly whisked past him with the Captain's supper, she, pointing to the + locket that once reposed on the breast of the Dutch lady at the Brill, + looked archly on Hayes and said, “See, John, what his Lordship has given + me;” and when John's face became green and purple with rage and jealousy, + Mrs. Catherine laughed ten times louder, and cried “Coming, my Lord,” in a + voice of shrill triumph, that bored through the soul of Mr. John Hayes and + left him gasping for breath. + </p> + <p> + On Catherine's other lover, Mr. Thomas, this coquetry had no effect: he, + and two comrades of his, had by this time quite fallen under the spell of + the Corporal; and hope, glory, strong beer, Prince Eugene, pair of + colours, more strong beer, her blessed Majesty, plenty more strong beer, + and such subjects, martial and bacchic, whirled through their dizzy brains + at a railroad pace. + </p> + <p> + And now, if there had been a couple of experienced reporters present at + the “Bugle Inn,” they might have taken down a conversation on love and war—the + two themes discussed by the two parties occupying the kitchen—which, + as the parts were sung together, duetwise, formed together some very + curious harmonies. Thus, while the Captain was whispering the softest + nothings, the Corporal was shouting the fiercest combats of the war; and, + like the gentleman at Penelope's table, on it exiguo pinxit praelia tota + bero. For example: + </p> + <p> + CAPTAIN. What do you say to a silver trimming, pretty Catherine? Don't you + think a scarlet riding-cloak, handsomely laced, would become you + wonderfully well?—and a grey hat with a blue feather—and a + pretty nag to ride on—and all the soldiers to present arms as you + pass, and say, “There goes the Captain's lady”? What do you think of a + side-box at Lincoln's Inn playhouse, or of standing up to a minuet with my + Lord Marquis at—? + </p> + <p> + CORPORAL. The ball, sir, ran right up his elbow, and was found the next + day by Surgeon Splinter of ours,—where do you think, sir?—upon + my honour as a gentleman it came out of the nape of his— + </p> + <p> + CAPTAIN. Necklace—and a sweet pair of diamond earrings, mayhap—and + a little shower of patches, which ornament a lady's face wondrously—and + a leetle rouge—though, egad! such peach-cheeks as yours don't want + it;—fie! Mrs. Catherine, I should think the birds must come and peck + at them as if they were fruit— + </p> + <p> + CORPORAL. Over the wall; and three-and-twenty of our fellows jumped after + me. By the Pope of Rome, friend Tummas, that was a day!—Had you seen + how the Mounseers looked when four-and-twenty rampaging he-devils, sword + and pistol, cut and thrust, pell-mell came tumbling into the redoubt! Why, + sir, we left in three minutes as many artillerymen's heads as there were + cannon-balls. It was, “Ah sacre!” “D——- you, take that!” “O + mon Dieu!” “Run him through!” “Ventrebleu!” and it WAS ventrebleu with + him, I warrant you; for bleu, in the French language, means “through;” and + ventre—why, you see, ventre means— + </p> + <p> + CAPTAIN. Waists, which are worn now excessive long; and for the hoops, if + you COULD but see them—stap my vitals, my dear, but there was a lady + at Warwick's Assembly (she came in one of my Lord's coaches) who had a + hoop as big as a tent: you might have dined under it comfortably;—ha! + ha! 'pon my faith, now— + </p> + <p> + CORPORAL. And there we found the Duke of Marlborough seated along with + Marshal Tallard, who was endeavouring to drown his sorrow over a cup of + Johannisberger wine; and a good drink too, my lads, only not to compare to + Warwick beer. “Who was the man who has done this?” said our noble General. + I stepped up. “How many heads was it,” says he, “that you cut off?” + “Nineteen,” says I, “besides wounding several.” When he heard it (Mr. + Hayes, you don't drink) I'm blest if he didn't burst into tears! “Noble + noble fellow,” says he. “Marshal, you must excuse me if I am pleased to + hear of the destruction of your countrymen. Noble noble fellow!—here's + a hundred guineas for you.” Which sum he placed in my hand. “Nay,” says + the Marshal “the man has done his duty:” and, pulling out a magnificent + gold diamond-hilted snuff-box, he gave me— + </p> + <p> + MR. BULLOCK. What, a goold snuff-box? Wauns, but thee WAST in luck, + Corporal! + </p> + <p> + CORPORAL. No, not the snuff-box, but—A PINCH OF SNUFF,—ha! ha!—run + me through the body if he didn't. Could you but have seen the smile on + Jack Churchill's grave face at this piece of generosity! So, beckoning + Colonel Cadogan up to him, he pinched his Ear and whispered— + </p> + <p> + CAPTAIN. “May I have the honour to dance a minuet with your Ladyship?” The + whole room was in titters at Jack's blunder; for, as you know very well, + poor Lady Susan HAS A WOODEN LEG. Ha! ha! fancy a minuet and a wooden leg, + hey, my dear?— + </p> + <p> + MRS. CATHERINE. Giggle—giggle—giggle: he! he! he! Oh, Captain, + you rogue, you— + </p> + <p> + SECOND TABLE. Haw! haw! haw! Well you be a foony mon, Sergeant, zure + enoff. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + This little specimen of the conversation must be sufficient. It will show + pretty clearly that EACH of the two military commanders was conducting his + operations with perfect success. Three of the detachment of five attacked + by the Corporal surrendered to him: Mr. Bullock, namely, who gave in at a + very early stage of the evening, and ignominiously laid down his arms + under the table, after standing not more than a dozen volleys of beer; Mr. + Blacksmith's boy, and a labourer whose name we have not been able to + learn. Mr. Butcher himself was on the point of yielding, when he was + rescued by the furious charge of a detachment that marched to his relief: + his wife namely, who, with two squalling children, rushed into the + “Bugle,” boxed Butcher's ears, and kept up such a tremendous fire of oaths + and screams upon the Corporal, that he was obliged to retreat. Fixing then + her claws into Mr. Butcher's hair, she proceeded to drag him out of the + premises; and thus Mr. Brock was overcome. His attack upon John Hayes was + a still greater failure; for that young man seemed to be invincible by + drink, if not by love: and at the end of the drinking-bout was a great + deal more cool than the Corporal himself; to whom he wished a very polite + good-evening, as calmly he took his hat to depart. He turned to look at + Catherine, to be sure, and then he was not quite so calm: but Catherine + did not give any reply to his good-night. She was seated at the Captain's + table playing at cribbage with him; and though Count Gustavus Maximilian + lost every game, he won more than he lost,—sly fellow!—and + Mrs. Catherine was no match for him. + </p> + <p> + It is to be presumed that Hayes gave some information to Mrs. Score, the + landlady: for, on leaving the kitchen, he was seen to linger for a moment + in the bar; and very soon after Mrs. Catherine was called away from her + attendance on the Count, who, when he asked for a sack and toast, was + furnished with those articles by the landlady herself: and, during the + half-hour in which he was employed in consuming this drink, Monsieur de + Galgenstein looked very much disturbed and out of humour, and cast his + eyes to the door perpetually; but no Catherine came. At last, very + sulkily, he desired to be shown to bed, and walked as well as he could + (for, to say truth, the noble Count was by this time somewhat unsteady on + his legs) to his chamber. It was Mrs. Score who showed him to it, and + closed the curtains, and pointed triumphantly to the whiteness of the + sheets. + </p> + <p> + “It's a very comfortable room,” said she, “though not the best in the + house; which belong of right to your Lordship's worship; but our best room + has two beds, and Mr. Corporal is in that, locked and double-locked, with + his three tipsy recruits. But your honour will find this here bed + comfortable and well-aired; I've slept in it myself this eighteen years.” + </p> + <p> + “What, my good woman, you are going to sit up, eh? It's cruel hard on you, + madam.” + </p> + <p> + “Sit up, my Lord? bless you, no! I shall have half of our Cat's bed; as I + always do when there's company.” And with this Mrs. Score curtseyed and + retired. + </p> + <p> + Very early the next morning the active landlady and her bustling attendant + had prepared the ale and bacon for the Corporal and his three converts, + and had set a nice white cloth for the Captain's breakfast. The young + blacksmith did not eat with much satisfaction; but Mr. Bullock and his + friend betrayed no sign of discontent, except such as may be consequent + upon an evening's carouse. They walked very contentedly to be registered + before Doctor Dobbs, who was also justice of the peace, and went in search + of their slender bundles, and took leave of their few acquaintances + without much regret: for the gentlemen had been bred in the workhouse, and + had not, therefore, a large circle of friends. + </p> + <p> + It wanted only an hour of noon, and the noble Count had not descended. The + men were waiting for him, and spent much of the Queen's money (earned by + the sale of their bodies overnight) while thus expecting him. Perhaps Mrs. + Catherine expected him too, for she had offered many times to run up—with + my Lord's boots—with the hot water—to show Mr. Brock the way; + who sometimes condescended to officiate as barber. But on all these + occasions Mrs. Score had prevented her; not scolding, but with much + gentleness and smiling. At last, more gentle and smiling than ever, she + came downstairs and said, “Catherine darling, his honour the Count is + mighty hungry this morning, and vows he could pick the wing of a fowl. Run + down, child, to Farmer Brigg's and get one: pluck it before you bring it, + you know, and we will make his Lordship a pretty breakfast.” + </p> + <p> + Catherine took up her basket, and away she went by the back-yard, through + the stables. There she heard the little horse-boy whistling and hissing + after the manner of horseboys; and there she learned that Mrs. Score had + been inventing an ingenious story to have her out of the way. The ostler + said he was just going to lead the two horses round to the door. The + Corporal had been, and they were about to start on the instant for + Stratford. + </p> + <p> + The fact was that Count Gustavus Adolphus, far from wishing to pick the + wing of a fowl, had risen with a horror and loathing for everything in the + shape of food, and for any liquor stronger than small beer. Of this he had + drunk a cup, and said he should ride immediately to Stratford; and when, + on ordering his horses, he had asked politely of the landlady “why the d—— + SHE always came up, and why she did not send the girl,” Mrs. Score + informed the Count that her Catherine was gone out for a walk along with + the young man to whom she was to be married, and would not be visible that + day. On hearing this the Captain ordered his horses that moment, and + abused the wine, the bed, the house, the landlady, and everything + connected with the “Bugle Inn.” + </p> + <p> + Out the horses came: the little boys of the village gathered round; the + recruits, with bunches of ribands in their beavers, appeared presently; + Corporal Brock came swaggering out, and, slapping the pleased blacksmith + on the back, bade him mount his horse; while the boys hurrah'd. Then the + Captain came out, gloomy and majestic; to him Mr. Brock made a military + salute, which clumsily, and with much grinning, the recruits imitated. “I + shall walk on with these brave fellows, your honour, and meet you at + Stratford,” said the Corporal. “Good,” said the Captain, as he mounted. + The landlady curtseyed; the children hurrah'd more; the little horse-boy, + who held the bridle with one hand and the stirrup with the other, and + expected a crown-piece from such a noble gentleman, got only a kick and a + curse, as Count von Galgenstein shouted, “D——- you all, get + out of the way!” and galloped off; and John Hayes, who had been sneaking + about the inn all the morning, felt a weight off his heart when he saw the + Captain ride off alone. + </p> + <p> + O foolish Mrs. Score! O dolt of a John Hayes! If the landlady had allowed + the Captain and the maid to have their way, and meet but for a minute + before recruits, sergeant, and all, it is probable that no harm would have + been done, and that this history would never have been written. + </p> + <p> + When Count von Galgenstein had ridden half a mile on the Stratford road, + looking as black and dismal as Napoleon galloping from the romantic + village of Waterloo, he espied, a few score yards onwards, at the turn of + the road, a certain object which caused him to check his horse suddenly, + brought a tingling red into his cheeks, and made his heart to go thump—thump! + against his side. A young lass was sauntering slowly along the footpath, + with a basket swinging from one hand, and a bunch of hedge-flowers in the + other. She stopped once or twice to add a fresh one to her nosegay, and + might have seen him, the Captain thought; but no, she never looked + directly towards him, and still walked on. Sweet innocent! she was singing + as if none were near; her voice went soaring up to the clear sky, and the + Captain put his horse on the grass, that the sound of the hoofs might not + disturb the music. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “When the kine had given a pailful, + And the sheep came bleating home, + Poll, who knew it would be healthful, + Went a-walking out with Tom. + Hand in hand, sir, on the land, sir, + As they walked to and fro, + Tom made jolly love to Polly, + But was answered no, no, no.” + </pre> + <p> + The Captain had put his horse on the grass, that the sound of his hoofs + might not disturb the music; and now he pushed its head on to the bank, + where straightway “George of Denmark” began chewing of such a salad as + grew there. And now the Captain slid off stealthily; and smiling + comically, and hitching up his great jack-boots, and moving forward with a + jerking tiptoe step, he, just as she was trilling the last o-o-o of the + last no in the above poem of Tom D'Urfey, came up to her, and touching her + lightly on the waist, said, + </p> + <p> + “My dear, your very humble servant.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Catherine (you know you have found her out long ago!) gave a scream + and a start, and would have turned pale if she could. As it was, she only + shook all over, and said, + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir, how you DID frighten me!” + </p> + <p> + “Frighten you, my rosebud! why, run me through, I'd die rather than + frighten you. Gad, child, tell me now, am I so VERY frightful?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, your honour, I didn't mean that; only I wasn't thinking to meet + you here, or that you would ride so early at all: for, if you please, sir, + I was going to fetch a chicken for your Lordship's breakfast, as my + mistress said you would like one; and I thought, instead of going to + Farmer Brigg's, down Birmingham way, as she told me, I'd go to Farmer + Bird's, where the chickens is better, sir,—my Lord, I mean.” + </p> + <p> + “Said I'd like a chicken for breakfast, the old cat! why, I told her I + would not eat a morsel to save me—I was so dru—I mean I ate + such a good supper last night—and I bade her to send me a pot of + small beer, and to tell you to bring it; and the wretch said you were gone + out with your sweetheart—” + </p> + <p> + “What! John Hayes, the creature? Oh, what a naughty story-telling woman!” + </p> + <p> + “—You had walked out with your sweetheart, and I was not to see you + any more; and I was mad with rage, and ready to kill myself; I was, my + dear.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir! pray, PRAY don't.” + </p> + <p> + “For your sake, my sweet angel?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, for my sake, if such a poor girl as me can persuade noble + gentlemen.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, for YOUR sake, I won't; no, I'll live; but why live? Hell and + fury, if I do live I'm miserable without you; I am,—you know I am,—you + adorable, beautiful, cruel, wicked Catherine!” + </p> + <p> + Catherine's reply to this was “La, bless me! I do believe your horse is + running away.” And so he was! for having finished his meal in the hedge, + he first looked towards his master and paused, as it were, irresolutely; + then, by a sudden impulse, flinging up his tail and his hind legs, he + scampered down the road. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hall ran lightly after the horse, and the Captain after Mrs. Hall; + and the horse ran quicker and quicker every moment, and might have led + them a long chase,—when lo! debouching from a twist in the road, + came the detachment of cavalry and infantry under Mr. Brock. The moment he + was out of sight of the village, that gentleman had desired the blacksmith + to dismount, and had himself jumped into the saddle, maintaining the + subordination of his army by drawing a pistol and swearing that he would + blow out the brains of any person who attempted to run. When the Captain's + horse came near the detachment he paused, and suffered himself to be + caught by Tummas Bullock, who held him until the owner and Mrs. Catherine + came up. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bullock looked comically grave when he saw the pair; but the Corporal + graciously saluted Mrs. Catherine, and said it was a fine day for walking. + </p> + <p> + “La, sir, and so it is,” said she, panting in a very pretty and + distressing way, “but not for RUNNING. I do protest—ha!—and + vow that I really can scarcely stand. I'm so tired of running after that + naughty naughty horse!” + </p> + <p> + “How do, Cattern?” said Thomas. “Zee, I be going a zouldiering because + thee wouldn't have me.” And here Mr. Bullock grinned. Mrs. Catherine made + no sort of reply, but protested once more she should die of running. If + the truth were told, she was somewhat vexed at the arrival of the + Corporal's detachment, and had had very serious thoughts of finding + herself quite tired just as he came in sight. + </p> + <p> + A sudden thought brought a smile of bright satisfaction in the Captain's + eyes. He mounted the horse which Tummas still held. “TIRED, Mrs + Catherine,” said he, “and for my sake? By heavens! you shan't walk a step + farther. No, you shall ride back with a guard of honour! Back to the + village, gentlemen!—rightabout face! Show those fellows, Corporal, + how to rightabout face. Now, my dear, mount behind me on Snowball; he's + easy as a sedan. Put your dear little foot on the toe of my boot. There + now,—up!—jump! hurrah!” + </p> + <p> + “THAT'S not the way, Captain,” shouted out Thomas, still holding on to the + rein as the horse began to move. “Thee woan't goo with him, will thee, + Catty?” + </p> + <p> + But Mrs. Catherine, though she turned away her head, never let go her hold + round the Captain's waist; and he, swearing a dreadful oath at Thomas, + struck him across the face and hands with his riding whip. The poor + fellow, who at the first cut still held on to the rein, dropped it at the + second, and as the pair galloped off, sat down on the roadside and fairly + began to weep. + </p> + <p> + “MARCH, you dog!” shouted out the Corporal a minute after. And so he did: + and when next he saw Mrs. Catherine she WAS the Captain's lady sure + enough, and wore a grey hat, with a blue feather, and red riding-coat + trimmed with silverlace. But Thomas was then on a bare-backed horse, which + Corporal Brock was flanking round a ring, and he was so occupied looking + between his horse's ears that he had no time to cry then, and at length + got the better of his attachment. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + This being a good opportunity for closing Chapter I, we ought, perhaps, to + make some apologies to the public for introducing them to characters that + are so utterly worthless; as we confess all our heroes, with the exception + of Mr. Bullock, to be. In this we have consulted nature and history, + rather than the prevailing taste and the general manner of authors. The + amusing novel of “Ernest Maltravers,” for instance, opens with a + seduction; but then it is performed by people of the strictest virtue on + both sides: and there is so much religion and philosophy in the heart of + the seducer, so much tender innocence in the soul of the seduced, that—bless + the little dears!—their very peccadilloes make one interested in + them; and their naughtiness becomes quite sacred, so deliciously is it + described. Now, if we ARE to be interested by rascally actions, let us + have them with plain faces, and let them be performed, not by virtuous + philosophers, but by rascals. Another clever class of novelists adopt the + contrary system, and create interest by making their rascals perform + virtuous actions. Against these popular plans we here solemnly appeal. We + say, let your rogues in novels act like rogues, and your honest men like + honest men; don't let us have any juggling and thimble-rigging with virtue + and vice, so that, at the end of three volumes, the bewildered reader + shall not know which is which; don't let us find ourselves kindling at the + generous qualities of thieves, and sympathising with the rascalities of + noble hearts. For our own part, we know what the public likes, and have + chosen rogues for our characters, and have taken a story from the “Newgate + Calendar,” which we hope to follow out to edification. Among the rogues, + at least, we will have nothing that shall be mistaken for virtues. And if + the British public (after calling for three or four editions) shall give + up, not only our rascals, but the rascals of all other authors, we shall + be content:—we shall apply to Government for a pension, and think + that our duty is done. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. IN WHICH ARE DEPICTED THE PLEASURES OF A SENTIMENTAL + ATTACHMENT. + </h2> + <p> + It will not be necessary, for the purpose of this history, to follow out + very closely all the adventures which occurred to Mrs. Catherine from the + period when she quitted the “Bugle” and became the Captain's lady; for + although it would be just as easy to show as not, that the young woman, by + following the man of her heart, had only yielded to an innocent impulse, + and by remaining with him for a certain period, had proved the depth and + strength of her affection for him,—although we might make very + tender and eloquent apologies for the error of both parties, the reader + might possibly be disgusted at such descriptions and such arguments: + which, besides, are already done to his hand in the novel of “Ernest + Maltravers” before mentioned. + </p> + <p> + From the gentleman's manner towards Mrs. Catherine, and from his brilliant + and immediate success, the reader will doubtless have concluded, in the + first place, that Gustavus Adolphus had not a very violent affection for + Mrs. Cat; in the second place, that he was a professional lady-killer, and + therefore likely at some period to resume his profession; thirdly, and to + conclude, that a connection so begun, must, in the nature of things, be + likely to end speedily. + </p> + <p> + And so, to do the Count justice, it would, if he had been allowed to + follow his own inclination entirely; for (as many young gentlemen will, + and yet no praise to them) in about a week he began to be indifferent, in + a month to be weary, in two months to be angry, in three to proceed to + blows and curses; and, in short, to repent most bitterly the hour when he + had ever been induced to present Mrs. Catherine the toe of his boot, for + the purpose of lifting her on to his horse. + </p> + <p> + “Egad!” said he to the Corporal one day, when confiding his griefs to Mr. + Brock, “I wish my toe had been cut off before ever it served as a ladder + to this little vixen.” + </p> + <p> + “Or perhaps your honour would wish to kick her downstairs with it?” + delicately suggested Mr. Brock. + </p> + <p> + “Kick her! why, the wench would hold so fast by the banisters that I COULD + not kick her down, Mr. Brock. To tell you a bit of a secret, I HAVE tried + as much—not to kick her—no, no, not kick her, certainly: + that's ungentlemanly—but to INDUCE her to go back to that cursed + pot-house where we fell in with her. I have given her many hints—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, I saw your honour give her one yesterday—with a mug of + beer. By the laws, as the ale run all down her face, and she clutched a + knife to run at you, I don't think I ever saw such a she-devil! That woman + will do for your honour some day, if you provoke her.” + </p> + <p> + “Do for ME? No, hang it, Mr. Brock, never! She loves every hair of my + head, sir: she worships me, Corporal. Egad, yes! she worships me; and + would much sooner apply a knife to her own weasand than scratch my little + finger!” + </p> + <p> + “I think she does,” said Mr. Brock. + </p> + <p> + “I'm sure of it,” said the Captain. “Women, look you, are like dogs, they + like to be ill-treated: they like it, sir; I know they do. I never had + anything to do with a woman in my life but I ill-treated her, and she + liked me the better.” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Hall ought to be VERY fond of you then, sure enough!” said Mr. + Corporal. + </p> + <p> + “Very fond;—ha, ha! Corporal, you wag you—and so she IS very + fond. Yesterday, after the knife-and-beer scene—no wonder I threw + the liquor in her face: it was so dev'lish flat that no gentleman could + drink it: and I told her never to draw it till dinner-time—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it was enough to put an angel in a fury!” said Brock. + </p> + <p> + “Well, yesterday, after the knife business, when you had got the carver + out of her hand, off she flings to her bedroom, will not eat a bit of + dinner forsooth, and remains locked up for a couple of hours. At two + o'clock afternoon (I was over a tankard), out comes the little she-devil, + her face pale, her eyes bleared, and the tip of her nose as red as fire + with sniffling and weeping. Making for my hand, 'Max,' says she, 'will you + forgive me?' 'What!' says I. 'Forgive a murderess?' says I. 'No, curse me, + never!' 'Your cruelty will kill me,' sobbed she. 'Cruelty be hanged!' says + I; 'didn't you draw that beer an hour before dinner?' She could say + nothing to THIS, you know, and I swore that every time she did so, I would + fling it into her face again. Whereupon back she flounced to her chamber, + where she wept and stormed until night-time.” + </p> + <p> + “When you forgave her?” + </p> + <p> + “I DID forgive her, that's positive. You see I had supped at the 'Rose' + along with Tom Trippet and half-a-dozen pretty fellows; and I had eased a + great fat-headed Warwickshire landjunker—what d'ye call him?—squire, + of forty pieces; and I'm dev'lish good-humoured when I've won, and so Cat + and I made it up: but I've taught her never to bring me stale beer again—ha, + ha!” + </p> + <p> + This conversation will explain, a great deal better than any description + of ours, however eloquent, the state of things as between Count Maximilian + and Mrs. Catherine, and the feelings which they entertained for each + other. The woman loved him, that was the fact. And, as we have shown in + the previous chapter how John Hayes, a mean-spirited fellow as ever + breathed, in respect of all other passions a pigmy, was in the passion of + love a giant, and followed Mrs. Catherine with a furious longing which + might seem at the first to be foreign to his nature; in the like manner, + and playing at cross-purposes, Mrs. Hall had become smitten of the + Captain; and, as he said truly, only liked him the better for the + brutality which she received at his hands. For it is my opinion, madam, + that love is a bodily infirmity, from which humankind can no more escape + than from small-pox; and which attacks every one of us, from the first + duke in the Peerage down to Jack Ketch inclusive: which has no respect for + rank, virtue, or roguery in man, but sets each in his turn in a fever; + which breaks out the deuce knows how or why, and, raging its appointed + time, fills each individual of the one sex with a blind fury and longing + for some one of the other (who may be pure, gentle, blue-eyed, beautiful, + and good; or vile, shrewish, squinting, hunchbacked, and hideous, + according to circumstances and luck); which dies away, perhaps, in the + natural course, if left to have its way, but which contradiction causes to + rage more furiously than ever. Is not history, from the Trojan war upwards + and downwards, full of instances of such strange inexplicable passions? + Was not Helen, by the most moderate calculation, ninety years of age when + she went off with His Royal Highness Prince Paris of Troy? Was not Madame + La Valliere ill-made, blear-eyed, tallow-complexioned, scraggy, and with + hair like tow? Was not Wilkes the ugliest, charmingest, most successful + man in the world? Such instances might be carried out so as to fill a + volume; but cui bono? Love is fate, and not will; its origin not to be + explained, its progress irresistible: and the best proof of this may be + had at Bow Street any day, where if you ask any officer of the + establishment how they take most thieves, he will tell you at the houses + of the women. They must see the dear creatures though they hang for it; + they will love, though they have their necks in the halter. And with + regard to the other position, that ill-usage on the part of the man does + not destroy the affection of the woman, have we not numberless + police-reports, showing how, when a bystander would beat a husband for + beating his wife, man and wife fall together on the interloper and punish + him for his meddling? + </p> + <p> + These points, then, being settled to the satisfaction of all parties, the + reader will not be disposed to question the assertion that Mrs. Hall had a + real affection for the gallant Count, and grew, as Mr. Brock was pleased + to say, like a beefsteak, more tender as she was thumped. Poor thing, poor + thing! his flashy airs and smart looks had overcome her in a single hour; + and no more is wanted to plunge into love over head and ears; no more is + wanted to make a first love with—and a woman's first love lasts FOR + EVER (a man's twenty-fourth or twenty-fifth is perhaps the best): you + can't kill it, do what you will; it takes root, and lives and even grows, + never mind what the soil may be in which it is planted, or the bitter + weather it must bear—often as one has seen a wallflower grow—out + of a stone. + </p> + <p> + In the first weeks of their union, the Count had at least been liberal to + her: she had a horse and fine clothes, and received abroad some of those + flattering attentions which she held at such high price. He had, however, + some ill-luck at play, or had been forced to pay some bills, or had some + other satisfactory reason for being poor, and his establishment was very + speedily diminished. He argued that, as Mrs. Catherine had been accustomed + to wait on others all her life, she might now wait upon herself and him; + and when the incident of the beer arose, she had been for some time + employed as the Count's housekeeper, with unlimited superintendence over + his comfort, his cellar, his linen, and such matters as bachelors are + delighted to make over to active female hands. To do the poor wretch + justice, she actually kept the man's menage in the best order; nor was + there any point of extravagance with which she could be charged, except a + little extravagance of dress displayed on the very few occasions when he + condescended to walk abroad with her, and extravagance of language and + passion in the frequent quarrels they had together. Perhaps in such a + connection as subsisted between this precious couple, these faults are + inevitable on the part of the woman. She must be silly and vain, and will + pretty surely therefore be fond of dress; and she must, disguise it as she + will, be perpetually miserable and brooding over her fall, which will + cause her to be violent and quarrelsome. + </p> + <p> + Such, at least, was Mrs. Hall; and very early did the poor vain misguided + wretch begin to reap what she had sown. + </p> + <p> + For a man, remorse under these circumstances is perhaps uncommon. No + stigma affixes on HIM for betraying a woman; no bitter pangs of mortified + vanity; no insulting looks of superiority from his neighbour, and no + sentence of contemptuous banishment is read against him; these all fall on + the tempted, and not on the tempter, who is permitted to go free. The + chief thing that a man learns after having successfully practised on a + woman is to despise the poor wretch whom he has won. The game, in fact, + and the glory, such as it is, is all his, and the punishment alone falls + upon her. Consider this, ladies, when charming young gentlemen come to woo + you with soft speeches. You have nothing to win, except wretchedness, and + scorn, and desertion. Consider this, and be thankful to your Solomons for + telling it. + </p> + <p> + It came to pass, then, that the Count had come to have a perfect contempt + and indifference for Mrs. Hall;—how should he not for a young person + who had given herself up to him so easily?—and would have been quite + glad of any opportunity of parting with her. But there was a certain + lingering shame about the man, which prevented him from saying at once and + abruptly, “Go!” and the poor thing did not choose to take such hints as + fell out in the course of their conversation and quarrels. And so they + kept on together, he treating her with simple insult, and she hanging on + desperately, by whatever feeble twig she could find, to the rock beyond + which all was naught, or death, to her. + </p> + <p> + Well, after the night with Tom Trippet and the pretty fellows at the + “Rose,” to which we have heard the Count allude in the conversation just + recorded, Fortune smiled on him a good deal; for the Warwickshire squire, + who had lost forty pieces on that occasion, insisted on having his revenge + the night after; when, strange to say, a hundred and fifty more found + their way into the pouch of his Excellency the Count. Such a sum as this + quite set the young nobleman afloat again, and brought back a pleasing + equanimity to his mind, which had been a good deal disturbed in the former + difficult circumstances; and in this, for a little and to a certain + extent, poor Cat had the happiness to share. He did not alter the style of + his establishment, which consisted, as before, of herself and a small + person who acted as scourer, kitchen-wench, and scullion; Mrs. Catherine + always putting her hand to the principal pieces of the dinner; but he + treated his mistress with tolerable good-humour; or, to speak more + correctly, with such bearable brutality as might be expected from a man + like him to a woman in her condition. Besides, a certain event was about + to take place, which not unusually occurs in circumstances of this nature, + and Mrs. Catherine was expecting soon to lie in. + </p> + <p> + The Captain, distrusting naturally the strength of his own paternal + feelings, had kindly endeavoured to provide a parent for the coming + infant; and to this end had opened a negotiation with our friend Mr. + Thomas Bullock, declaring that Mrs. Cat should have a fortune of twenty + guineas, and reminding Tummas of his ancient flame for her: but Mr. + Tummas, when this proposition was made to him, declined it, with many + oaths, and vowed that he was perfectly satisfied with his present bachelor + condition. In this dilemma, Mr. Brock stepped forward, who declared + himself very ready to accept Mrs. Catherine and her fortune: and might + possibly have become the possessor of both, had not Mrs. Cat, the moment + she heard of the proposed arrangement, with fire in her eyes, and rage—oh, + how bitter!—in her heart, prevented the success of the measure by + proceeding incontinently to the first justice of the peace, and there + swearing before his worship who was the father of the coming child. + </p> + <p> + This proceeding, which she had expected would cause not a little + indignation on the part of her lord and master, was received by him, + strangely enough, with considerable good-humour: he swore that the wench + had served him a good trick, and was rather amused at the anger, the + outbreak of fierce rage and contumely, and the wretched wretched tears of + heartsick desperation, which followed her announcement of this step to + him. For Mr. Brock, she repelled his offer with scorn and loathing, and + treated the notion of a union with Mr. Bullock with yet fiercer contempt. + Marry him indeed! a workhouse pauper carrying a brown-bess! She would have + died sooner, she said, or robbed on the highway. And so, to do her + justice, she would: for the little minx was one of the vainest creatures + in existence, and vanity (as I presume everybody knows) becomes THE + principle in certain women's hearts—their moral spectacles, their + conscience, their meat and drink, their only rule of right and wrong. + </p> + <p> + As for Mr. Tummas, he, as we have seen, was quite unfriendly to the + proposition as she could be; and the Corporal, with a good deal of comical + gravity, vowed that, as he could not be satisfied in his dearest wishes, + he would take to drinking for a consolation: which he straightway did. + </p> + <p> + “Come, Tummas,” said he to Mr. Bullock “since we CAN'T have the girl of + our hearts, why, hang it, Tummas, let's drink her health!” To which + Bullock had no objection. And so strongly did the disappointment weigh + upon honest Corporal Brock, that even when, after unheard-of quantities of + beer, he could scarcely utter a word, he was seen absolutely to weep, and, + in accents almost unintelligible, to curse his confounded ill-luck at + being deprived, not of a wife, but of a child: he wanted one so, he said, + to comfort him in his old age. + </p> + <p> + The time of Mrs. Catherine's couche drew near, arrived, and was gone + through safely. She presented to the world a chopping boy, who might use, + if he liked, the Galgenstein arms with a bar-sinister; and in her new + cares and duties had not so many opportunities as usual of quarrelling + with the Count: who, perhaps, respected her situation, or, at least, was + so properly aware of the necessity of quiet to her, that he absented + himself from home morning, noon, and night. + </p> + <p> + The Captain had, it must be confessed, turned these continued absences to + a considerable worldly profit, for he played incessantly; and, since his + first victory over the Warwickshire Squire, Fortune had been so favourable + to him, that he had at various intervals amassed a sum of nearly a + thousand pounds, which he used to bring home as he won; and which he + deposited in a strong iron chest, cunningly screwed down by himself under + his own bed. This Mrs. Catherine regularly made, and the treasure + underneath it could be no secret to her. However, the noble Count kept the + key, and bound her by many solemn oaths (that he discharged at her + himself) not to reveal to any other person the existence of the chest and + its contents. + </p> + <p> + But it is not in a woman's nature to keep such secrets; and the Captain, + who left her for days and days, did not reflect that she would seek for + confidants elsewhere. For want of a female companion, she was compelled to + bestow her sympathies upon Mr. Brock; who, as the Count's corporal, was + much in his lodgings, and who did manage to survive the disappointment + which he had experienced by Mrs. Catherine's refusal of him. + </p> + <p> + About two months after the infant's birth, the Captain, who was annoyed by + its squalling, put it abroad to nurse, and dismissed its attendant. Mrs. + Catherine now resumed her household duties, and was, as before, at once + mistress and servant of the establishment. As such, she had the keys of + the beer, and was pretty sure of the attentions of the Corporal; who + became, as we have said, in the Count's absence, his lady's chief friend + and companion. After the manner of ladies, she very speedily confided to + him all her domestic secrets; the causes of her former discontent; the + Count's ill-treatment of her; the wicked names he called her; the prices + that all her gowns had cost her; how he beat her; how much money he won + and lost at play; how she had once pawned a coat for him; how he had four + new ones, laced, and paid for; what was the best way of cleaning and + keeping gold-lace, of making cherry-brandy, pickling salmon, etc., etc. + Her confidences upon all these subjects used to follow each other in rapid + succession; and Mr. Brock became, ere long, quite as well acquainted with + the Captain's history for the last year as the Count himself:—for he + was careless, and forgot things; women never do. They chronicle all the + lover's small actions, his words, his headaches, the dresses he has worn, + the things he has liked for dinner on certain days;—all which + circumstances commonly are expunged from the male brain immediately after + they have occurred, but remain fixed with the female. + </p> + <p> + To Brock, then, and to Brock only (for she knew no other soul), Mrs. Cat + breathed, in strictest confidence, the history of the Count's winnings, + and his way of disposing of them; how he kept his money screwed down in an + iron chest in their room; and a very lucky fellow did Brock consider his + officer for having such a large sum. He and Cat looked at the chest: it + was small, but mighty strong, sure enough, and would defy picklocks and + thieves. Well, if any man deserved money, the Captain did (“though he + might buy me a few yards of that lace I love so,” interrupted Cat),—if + any man deserved money, he did, for he spent it like a prince, and his + hand was always in his pocket. + </p> + <p> + It must now be stated that Monsieur de Galgenstein had, during Cat's + seclusion, cast his eyes upon a young lady of good fortune, who frequented + the Assembly at Birmingham, and who was not a little smitten by his title + and person. The “four new coats, laced, and paid for,” as Cat said, had + been purchased, most probably, by his Excellency for the purpose of + dazzling the heiress; and he and the coats had succeeded so far as to win + from the young woman an actual profession of love, and a promise of + marriage provided Pa would consent. This was obtained,—for Pa was a + tradesman; and I suppose every one of my readers has remarked how great an + effect a title has on the lower classes. Yes, thank Heaven! there is about + a freeborn Briton a cringing baseness, and lickspittle awe of rank, which + does not exist under any tyranny in Europe, and is only to be found here + and in America. + </p> + <p> + All these negotiations had been going on quite unknown to Cat; and, as the + Captain had determined, before two months were out, to fling that young + woman on the pave, he was kind to her in the meanwhile: people always are + when they are swindling you, or meditating an injury against you. + </p> + <p> + The poor girl had much too high an opinion of her own charms to suspect + that the Count could be unfaithful to them, and had no notion of the plot + that was formed against her. But Mr. Brock had: for he had seen many times + a gilt coach with a pair of fat white horses ambling in the neighbourhood + of the town, and the Captain on his black steed caracolling majestically + by its side; and he had remarked a fat, pudgy, pale-haired woman treading + heavily down the stairs of the Assembly, leaning on the Captain's arm: all + these Mr. Brock had seen, not without reflection. Indeed, the Count one + day, in great good-humour, had slapped him on the shoulder and told him + that he was about speedily to purchase a regiment; when, by his great + gods, Mr. Brock should have a pair of colours. Perhaps this promise + occasioned his silence to Mrs. Catherine hitherto; perhaps he never would + have peached at all; and perhaps, therefore, this history would never have + been written, but for a small circumstance which occurred at this period. + </p> + <p> + “What can you want with that drunken old Corporal always about your + quarters?” said Mr. Trippet to the Count one day, as they sat over their + wine, in the midst of a merry company, at the Captain's rooms. + </p> + <p> + “What!” said he. “Old Brock? The old thief has been more useful to me than + many a better man. He is as brave in a row as a lion, as cunning in + intrigue as a fox; he can nose a dun at an inconceivable distance, and + scent out a pretty woman be she behind ever so many stone walls. If a + gentleman wants a good rascal now, I can recommend him. I am going to + reform, you know, and must turn him out of my service.” + </p> + <p> + “And pretty Mrs. Cat?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, curse pretty Mrs. Cat! she may go too.” + </p> + <p> + “And the brat?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you have parishes, and what not, here in England. Egad! if a + gentleman were called upon to keep all his children, there would be no + living: no, stap my vitals! Croesus couldn't stand it.” + </p> + <p> + “No, indeed,” said Mr. Trippet: “you are right; and when a gentleman + marries, he is bound in honour to give up such low connections as are + useful when he is a bachelor.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course; and give them up I will, when the sweet Mrs. Dripping is mine. + As for the girl, you can have her, Tom Trippet, if you take a fancy to + her; and as for the Corporal, he may be handed over to my successor in + Cutts's:—for I will have a regiment to myself, that's poz; and to + take with me such a swindling, pimping, thieving, brandy-faced rascal as + this Brock will never do. Egad! he's a disgrace to the service. As it is, + I've often a mind to have the superannuated vagabond drummed out of the + corps.” + </p> + <p> + Although this resume of Mr. Brock's character and accomplishments was very + just, it came perhaps with an ill grace from Count Gustavus Adolphus + Maximilian, who had profited by all his qualities, and who certainly would + never have given this opinion of them had he known that the door of his + dining-parlour was open, and that the gallant Corporal, who was in the + passage, could hear every syllable that fell from the lips of his + commanding officer. We shall not say, after the fashion of the + story-books, that Mr. Brock listened with a flashing eye and a distended + nostril; that his chest heaved tumultuously, and that his hand fell down + mechanically to his side, where it played with the brass handle of his + sword. Mr. Kean would have gone through most of these bodily exercises had + he been acting the part of a villain enraged and disappointed like + Corporal Brock; but that gentleman walked away without any gestures of any + kind, and as gently as possible. “He'll turn me out of the regiment, will + he?” says he, quite piano; and then added (con molta espressione), “I'll + do for him.” + </p> + <p> + And it is to be remarked how generally, in cases of this nature, gentlemen + stick to their word. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. IN WHICH A NARCOTIC IS ADMINISTERED, AND A GREAT DEAL OF + GENTEEL SOCIETY DEPICTED. + </h2> + <p> + When the Corporal, who had retreated to the street-door immediately on + hearing the above conversation, returned to the Captain's lodgings and + paid his respects to Mrs. Catherine, he found that lady in high + good-humour. The Count had been with her, she said, along with a friend of + his, Mr. Trippet; had promised her twelve yards of the lace she coveted so + much; had vowed that the child should have as much more for a cloak; and + had not left her until he had sat with her for an hour, or more, over a + bowl of punch, which he made on purpose for her. Mr. Trippet stayed too. + “A mighty pleasant man,” said she; “only not very wise, and seemingly a + good deal in liquor.” + </p> + <p> + “A good deal indeed!” said the Corporal. “He was so tipsy just now that he + could hardly stand. He and his honour were talking to Nan Fantail in the + market-place; and she pulled Trippet's wig off, for wanting to kiss her.” + </p> + <p> + “The nasty fellow!” said Mrs. Cat, “to demean himself with such low people + as Nan Fantail, indeed! Why, upon my conscience now, Corporal, it was but + an hour ago that Mr. Trippet swore he never saw such a pair of eyes as + mine, and would like to cut the Captain's throat for the love of me. Nan + Fantail, indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “Nan's an honest girl, Madam Catherine, and was a great favourite of the + Captain's before someone else came in his way. No one can say a word + against her—not a word.” + </p> + <p> + “And pray, Corporal, who ever did?” said Mrs. Cat, rather offended. “A + nasty, ugly slut! I wonder what the men can see in her?” + </p> + <p> + “She has got a smart way with her, sure enough; it's what amuses the men, + and—” + </p> + <p> + “And what? You don't mean to say that my Max is fond of her NOW?” said + Mrs. Catherine, looking very fierce. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no; not at all: not of HER;—that is—” + </p> + <p> + “Not of HER!” screamed she. “Of whom, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, psha! nonsense! Of you, my dear, to be sure; who else should he care + for? And, besides, what business is it of mine?” And herewith the Corporal + began whistling, as if he would have no more of the conversation. But Mrs. + Cat was not to be satisfied,—not she,—and carried on her + cross-questions. + </p> + <p> + “Why, look you,” said the Corporal, after parrying many of these,—“Why, + look you, I'm an old fool, Catherine, and I must blab. That man has been + the best friend I ever had, and so I was quiet; but I can't keep it in any + longer,—no, hang me if I can! It's my belief he's acting like a + rascal by you: he deceives you, Catherine; he's a scoundrel, Mrs. Hall, + that's the truth on't.” + </p> + <p> + Catherine prayed him to tell all he knew; and he resumed. + </p> + <p> + “He wants you off his hands; he's sick of you, and so brought here that + fool Tom Trippet, who has taken a fancy to you. He has not the courage to + turn you out of doors like a man; though indoors he can treat you like a + beast. But I'll tell you what he'll do. In a month he will go to Coventry, + or pretend to go there, on recruiting business. No such thing, Mrs. Hall; + he's going on MARRIAGE business; and he'll leave you without a farthing, + to starve or to rot, for him. It's all arranged, I tell you: in a month, + you are to be starved into becoming Tom Trippet's mistress; and his honour + is to marry rich Miss Dripping, the twenty-thousand-pounder from London; + and to purchase a regiment;—and to get old Brock drummed out of + Cutts's too,” said the Corporal, under his breath. But he might have + spoken out, if he chose; for the poor young woman had sunk on the ground + in a real honest fit. + </p> + <p> + “I thought I should give it her,” said Mr. Brock as he procured a glass of + water; and, lifting her on to a sofa, sprinkled the same over her. “Hang + it! how pretty she is.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + When Mrs. Catherine came to herself again, Brock's tone with her was kind, + and almost feeling. Nor did the poor wench herself indulge in any + subsequent shiverings and hysterics, such as usually follow the + fainting-fits of persons of higher degree. She pressed him for further + explanations, which he gave, and to which she listened with a great deal + of calmness; nor did many tears, sobs, sighs, or exclamations of sorrow or + anger escape from her: only when the Corporal was taking his leave, and + said to her point-blank,—“Well, Mrs. Catherine, and what do you + intend to do?” she did not reply a word; but gave a look which made him + exclaim, on leaving the room,— + </p> + <p> + “By heavens! the woman means murder! I would not be the Holofernes to lie + by the side of such a Judith as that—not I!” And he went his way, + immersed in deep thought. When the Captain returned at night, she did not + speak to him; and when he swore at her for being sulky, she only said she + had a headache, and was dreadfully ill; with which excuse Gustavus + Adolphus seemed satisfied, and left her to herself. + </p> + <p> + He saw her the next morning for a moment: he was going a-shooting. + </p> + <p> + Catherine had no friend, as is usual in tragedies and romances,—no + mysterious sorceress of her acquaintance to whom she could apply for + poison,—so she went simply to the apothecaries, pretending at each + that she had a dreadful toothache, and procuring from them as much + laudanum as she thought would suit her purpose. + </p> + <p> + When she went home again she seemed almost gay. Mr. Brock complimented her + upon the alteration in her appearance; and she was enabled to receive the + Captain at his return from shooting in such a manner as made him remark + that she had got rid of her sulks of the morning, and might sup with them, + if she chose to keep her good-humour. The supper was got ready, and the + gentlemen had the punch-bowl when the cloth was cleared,—Mrs. + Catherine, with her delicate hands, preparing the liquor. + </p> + <p> + It is useless to describe the conversation that took place, or to reckon + the number of bowls that were emptied; or to tell how Mr. Trippet, who was + one of the guests, and declined to play at cards when some of the others + began, chose to remain by Mrs. Catherine's side, and make violent love to + her. All this might be told, and the account, however faithful, would not + be very pleasing. No, indeed! And here, though we are only in the third + chapter of this history, we feel almost sick of the characters that appear + in it, and the adventures which they are called upon to go through. But + how can we help ourselves? The public will hear of nothing but rogues; and + the only way in which poor authors, who must live, can act honestly by the + public and themselves, is to paint such thieves as they are: not, dandy, + poetical, rose-water thieves; but real downright scoundrels, leading + scoundrelly lives, drunken, profligate, dissolute, low; as scoundrels will + be. They don't quote Plato, like Eugene Aram; or live like gentlemen, and + sing the pleasantest ballads in the world, like jolly Dick Turpin; or + prate eternally about “to kalon,”[*] like that precious canting + Maltravers, whom we all of us have read about and pitied; or die + whitewashed saints, like poor “Biss Dadsy” in “Oliver Twist.” No, my dear + madam, you and your daughters have no right to admire and sympathise with + any such persons, fictitious or real: you ought to be made cordially to + detest, scorn, loathe, abhor, and abominate all people of this kidney. Men + of genius like those whose works we have above alluded to, have no + business to make these characters interesting or agreeable; to be feeding + your morbid fancies, or indulging their own, with such monstrous food. For + our parts, young ladies, we beg you to bottle up your tears, and not waste + a single drop of them on any one of the heroes or heroines in this + history: they are all rascals, every soul of them, and behave “as sich.” + Keep your sympathy for those who deserve it: don't carry it, for + preference, to the Old Bailey, and grow maudlin over the company assembled + there. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. +</pre> + <p> + Just, then, have the kindness to fancy that the conversation which took + place over the bowls of punch which Mrs. Catherine prepared, was such as + might be expected to take place where the host was a dissolute, + dare-devil, libertine captain of dragoons, the guests for the most part of + the same class, and the hostess a young woman originally from a country + alehouse, and for the present mistress to the entertainer of the society. + They talked, and they drank, and they grew tipsy; and very little worth + hearing occurred during the course of the whole evening. Mr. Brock + officiated, half as the servant, half as the companion of the society. Mr. + Thomas Trippet made violent love to Mrs. Catherine, while her lord and + master was playing at dice with the other gentlemen: and on this night, + strange to say, the Captain's fortune seemed to desert him. The + Warwickshire Squire, from whom he had won so much, had an amazing run of + good luck. The Captain called perpetually for more drink, and higher + stakes, and lost almost every throw. Three hundred, four hundred, six + hundred—all his winnings of the previous months were swallowed up in + the course of a few hours. The Corporal looked on; and, to do him justice, + seemed very grave as, sum by sum, the Squire scored down the Count's + losses on the paper before him. + </p> + <p> + Most of the company had taken their hats and staggered off. The Squire and + Mr. Trippet were the only two that remained, the latter still lingering by + Mrs. Catherine's sofa and table; and as she, as we have stated, had been + employed all the evening in mixing the liquor for the gamesters, he was at + the headquarters of love and drink, and had swallowed so much of each as + hardly to be able to speak. + </p> + <p> + The dice went rattling on; the candles were burning dim, with great long + wicks. Mr. Trippet could hardly see the Captain, and thought, as far as + his muzzy reason would let him, that the Captain could not see him: so he + rose from his chair as well as he could, and fell down on Mrs. Catherine's + sofa. His eyes were fixed, his face was pale, his jaw hung down; and he + flung out his arms and said, in a maudlin voice, “Oh, you + byoo-oo-oo-tifile Cathrine, I must have a kick-kick-iss.” + </p> + <p> + “Beast!” said Mrs. Catherine, and pushed him away. The drunken wretch fell + off the sofa, and on to the floor, where he stayed; and, after snorting + out some unintelligible sounds, went to sleep. + </p> + <p> + The dice went rattling on; the candles were burning dim, with great long + wicks. + </p> + <p> + “Seven's the main,” cried the Count. “Four. Three to two against the + caster.” + </p> + <p> + “Ponies,” said the Warwickshire Squire. + </p> + <p> + Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, clatter, NINE. Clap, clap, clap, clap, + ELEVEN. Clutter, clutter, clutter, clutter: “Seven it is,” says the + Warwickshire Squire. “That makes eight hundred, Count.” + </p> + <p> + “One throw for two hundred,” said the Count. “But stop! Cat, give us some + more punch.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Cat came forward; she looked a little pale, and her hand trembled + somewhat. “Here is the punch, Max,” said she. It was steaming hot, in a + large glass. “Don't drink it all,” said she; “leave me some.” + </p> + <p> + “How dark it is!” said the Count, eyeing it. + </p> + <p> + “It's the brandy,” said Cat. + </p> + <p> + “Well, here goes! Squire, curse you! here's your health, and bad luck to + you!” and he gulped off more than half the liquor at a draught. But + presently he put down the glass and cried, “What infernal poison is this, + Cat?” + </p> + <p> + “Poison!” said she. “It's no poison. Give me the glass.” And she pledged + Max, and drank a little of it. “'Tis good punch, Max, and of my brewing; I + don't think you will ever get any better.” And she went back to the sofa + again, and sat down, and looked at the players. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock looked at her white face and fixed eyes with a grim kind of + curiosity. The Count sputtered, and cursed the horrid taste of the punch + still; but he presently took the box, and made his threatened throw. + </p> + <p> + As before, the Squire beat him; and having booked his winnings, rose from + table as well as he might and besought to lead him downstairs; which Mr. + Brock did. + </p> + <p> + Liquor had evidently stupefied the Count: he sat with his head between his + hands, muttering wildly about ill-luck, seven's the main, bad punch, and + so on. The street-door banged to; and the steps of Brock and the Squire + were heard, until they could be heard no more. + </p> + <p> + “Max,” said she; but he did not answer. “Max,” said she again, laying her + hand on his shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Curse you,” said that gentleman, “keep off, and don't be laying your paws + upon me. Go to bed, you jade, or to ——, for what I care; and + give me first some more punch—a gallon more punch, do you hear?” + </p> + <p> + The gentleman, by the curses at the commencement of this little speech, + and the request contained at the end of it, showed that his losses vexed + him, and that he was anxious to forget them temporarily. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Max!” whimpered Mrs. Cat, “you—don't—want any more + punch?” + </p> + <p> + “Don't! Shan't I be drunk in my own house, you cursed whimpering jade, + you? Get out!” and with this the Captain proceeded to administer a blow + upon Mrs. Catherine's cheek. + </p> + <p> + Contrary to her custom, she did not avenge it, or seek to do so, as on the + many former occasions when disputes of this nature had arisen between the + Count and her; but now Mrs. Catherine fell on her knees and, clasping her + hands and looking pitifully in the Count's face, cried, “Oh, Count, + forgive me, forgive me!” + </p> + <p> + “Forgive you! What for? Because I slapped your face? Ha, ha! I'll forgive + you again, if you don't mind.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no, no, no!” said she, wringing her hands. “It isn't that. Max, dear + Max, will you forgive me? It isn't the blow—I don't mind that; it's—” + </p> + <p> + “It's what, you—maudlin fool?” + </p> + <p> + “IT'S THE PUNCH!” + </p> + <p> + The Count, who was more than half seas over, here assumed an air of much + tipsy gravity. “The punch! No, I never will forgive you that last glass of + punch. Of all the foul, beastly drinks I ever tasted, that was the worst. + No, I never will forgive you that punch.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it isn't that, it isn't that!” said she. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you it is that,—you! That punch, I say that punch was no + better than paw—aw-oison.” And here the Count's head sank back, and + he fell to snore. + </p> + <p> + “IT WAS POISON!” said she. + </p> + <p> + “WHAT!” screamed he, waking up at once, and spurning her away from him. + “What, you infernal murderess, have you killed me?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Max!—don't kill me, Max! It was laudanum—indeed it was. + You were going to be married, and I was furious, and I went and got—” + </p> + <p> + “Hold your tongue, you fiend,” roared out the Count; and with more + presence of mind than politeness, he flung the remainder of the liquor + (and, indeed, the glass with it) at the head of Mrs. Catherine. But the + poisoned chalice missed its mark, and fell right on the nose of Mr. Tom + Trippet, who was left asleep and unobserved under the table. + </p> + <p> + Bleeding, staggering, swearing, indeed a ghastly sight, up sprang Mr. + Trippet, and drew his rapier. “Come on,” says he; “never say die! What's + the row? I'm ready for a dozen of you.” And he made many blind and furious + passes about the room. + </p> + <p> + “Curse you, we'll die together!” shouted the Count, as he too pulled out + his toledo, and sprang at Mrs. Catherine. + </p> + <p> + “Help! murder! thieves!” shrieked she. “Save me, Mr. Trippet, save me!” + and she placed that gentleman between herself and the Count, and then made + for the door of the bedroom, and gained it, and bolted it. + </p> + <p> + “Out of the way, Trippet,” roared the Count—“out of the way, you + drunken beast! I'll murder her, I will—I'll have the devil's life.” + And here he gave a swinging cut at Mr. Trippet's sword: it sent the weapon + whirling clean out of his hand, and through a window into the street. + </p> + <p> + “Take my life, then,” said Mr. Trippet: “I'm drunk, but I'm a man, and, + damme! will never say die.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't want your life, you stupid fool. Hark you, Trippet, wake and be + sober, if you can. That woman has heard of my marriage with Miss + Dripping.” + </p> + <p> + “Twenty thousand pound,” ejaculated Trippet. + </p> + <p> + “She has been jealous, I tell you, and POISONED us. She has put laudanum + into the punch.” + </p> + <p> + “What, in MY punch?” said Trippet, growing quite sober and losing his + courage. “O Lord! O Lord!” + </p> + <p> + “Don't stand howling there, but run for a doctor; 'tis our only chance.” + And away ran Mr. Trippet, as if the deuce were at his heels. + </p> + <p> + The Count had forgotten his murderous intentions regarding his mistress, + or had deferred them at least, under the consciousness of his own pressing + danger. And it must be said, in the praise of a man who had fought for and + against Marlborough and Tallard, that his courage in this trying and novel + predicament never for a moment deserted him, but that he showed the + greatest daring, as well as ingenuity, in meeting and averting the danger. + He flew to the sideboard, where were the relics of a supper, and seizing + the mustard and salt pots, and a bottle of oil, he emptied them all into a + jug, into which he further poured a vast quantity of hot water. This + pleasing mixture he then, without a moment's hesitation, placed to his + lips, and swallowed as much of it as nature would allow him. But when he + had imbibed about a quart, the anticipated effect was produced, and he was + enabled, by the power of this ingenious extemporaneous emetic, to get rid + of much of the poison which Mrs. Catherine had administered to him. + </p> + <p> + He was employed in these efforts when the doctor entered, along with Mr. + Brock and Mr. Trippet; who was not a little pleased to hear that the + poisoned punch had not in all probability been given to him. He was + recommended to take some of the Count's mixture, as a precautionary + measure; but this he refused, and retired home, leaving the Count under + charge of the physician and his faithful corporal. + </p> + <p> + It is not necessary to say what further remedies were employed by them to + restore the Captain to health; but after some time the doctor, pronouncing + that the danger was, he hoped, averted, recommended that his patient + should be put to bed, and that somebody should sit by him; which Brock + promised to do. + </p> + <p> + “That she-devil will murder me, if you don't,” gasped the poor Count. “You + must turn her out of the bedroom; or break open the door, if she refuses + to let you in.” + </p> + <p> + And this step was found to be necessary; for, after shouting many times, + and in vain, Mr. Brock found a small iron bar (indeed, he had the + instrument for many days in his pocket), and forced the lock. The room was + empty, the window was open: the pretty barmaid of the “Bugle” had fled. + </p> + <p> + “The chest,” said the Count—“is the chest safe?” + </p> + <p> + The Corporal flew to the bed, under which it was screwed, and looked, and + said, “It IS safe, thank Heaven!” The window was closed. The Captain, who + was too weak to stand without help, was undressed and put to bed. The + Corporal sat down by his side; slumber stole over the eyes of the patient; + and his wakeful nurse marked with satisfaction the progress of the + beneficent restorer of health. + </p> + <p> + When the Captain awoke, as he did some time afterwards, he found, very + much to his surprise, that a gag had been placed in his mouth, and that + the Corporal was in the act of wheeling his bed to another part of the + room. He attempted to move, and gave utterance to such unintelligible + sounds as could issue through a silk handkerchief. + </p> + <p> + “If your honour stirs or cries out in the least, I will cut your honour's + throat,” said the Corporal. + </p> + <p> + And then, having recourse to his iron bar (the reader will now see why he + was provided with such an implement, for he had been meditating this coup + for some days), he proceeded first to attempt to burst the lock of the + little iron chest in which the Count kept his treasure, and, failing in + this, to unscrew it from the ground; which operation he performed + satisfactorily. + </p> + <p> + “You see, Count,” said he, calmly, “when rogues fall out there's the deuce + to pay. You'll have me drummed out of the regiment, will you? I'm going to + leave it of my own accord, look you, and to live like a gentleman for the + rest of my days. Schlafen Sie wohl, noble Captain: bon repos. The Squire + will be with you pretty early in the morning, to ask for the money you owe + him.” + </p> + <p> + With these sarcastic observations Mr. Brock departed; not by the window, + as Mrs. Catherine had done, but by the door, quietly, and so into the + street. And when, the next morning, the doctor came to visit his patient, + he brought with him a story how, at the dead of night, Mr. Brock had + roused the ostler at the stables where the Captain's horses were kept—had + told him that Mrs. Catherine had poisoned the Count, and had run off with + a thousand pounds; and how he and all lovers of justice ought to scour the + country in pursuit of the criminal. For this end Mr. Brock mounted the + Count's best horse—that very animal on which he had carried away + Mrs. Catherine: and thus, on a single night, Count Maximilian had lost his + mistress, his money, his horse, his corporal, and was very near losing his + life. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH MRS. CATHERINE BECOMES AN HONEST WOMAN AGAIN. + </h2> + <p> + In this woeful plight, moneyless, wifeless, horseless, corporalless, with + a gag in his mouth and a rope round his body, are we compelled to leave + the gallant Galgenstein, until his friends and the progress of this + history shall deliver him from his durance. Mr. Brock's adventures on the + Captain's horse must likewise be pretermitted; for it is our business to + follow Mrs. Catherine through the window by which she made her escape, and + among the various chances that befell her. + </p> + <p> + She had one cause to congratulate herself,—that she had not her baby + at her back; for the infant was safely housed under the care of a nurse, + to whom the Captain was answerable. Beyond this her prospects were but + dismal: no home to fly to, but a few shillings in her pocket, and a whole + heap of injuries and dark revengeful thoughts in her bosom: it was a sad + task to her to look either backwards or forwards. Whither was she to fly? + How to live? What good chance was to befriend her? There was an angel + watching over the steps of Mrs. Cat—not a good one, I think, but one + of those from that unnameable place, who have their many subjects here on + earth, and often are pleased to extricate them from worse perplexities. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Cat, now, had not committed murder, but as bad as murder; and as she + felt not the smallest repentance in her heart—as she had, in the + course of her life and connection with the Captain, performed and gloried + in a number of wicked coquetries, idlenesses, vanities, lies, fits of + anger, slanders, foul abuses, and what not—she was fairly bound over + to this dark angel whom we have alluded to; and he dealt with her, and + aided her, as one of his own children. + </p> + <p> + I do not mean to say that, in this strait, he appeared to her in the + likeness of a gentleman in black, and made her sign her name in blood to a + document conveying over to him her soul, in exchange for certain + conditions to be performed by him. Such diabolical bargains have always + appeared to me unworthy of the astute personage who is supposed to be one + of the parties to them; and who would scarcely be fool enough to pay + dearly for that which he can have in a few years for nothing. It is not, + then, to be supposed that a demon of darkness appeared to Mrs. Cat, and + led her into a flaming chariot harnessed by dragons, and careering through + air at the rate of a thousand leagues a minute. No such thing; the vehicle + that was sent to aid her was one of a much more vulgar description. + </p> + <p> + The “Liverpool carryvan,” then, which in the year 1706 used to perform the + journey between London and that place in ten days, left Birmingham about + an hour after Mrs. Catherine had quitted that town; and as she sat weeping + on a hillside, and plunged in bitter meditation, the lumbering, jingling + vehicle overtook her. The coachman was marching by the side of his horses, + and encouraging them to maintain their pace of two miles an hour; the + passengers had some of them left the vehicle, in order to walk up the + hill; and the carriage had arrived at the top of it, and, meditating a + brisk trot down the declivity, waited there until the lagging passengers + should arrive: when Jehu, casting a good-natured glance upon Mrs. + Catherine, asked the pretty maid whence she was come, and whether she + would like a ride in his carriage. To the latter of which questions Mrs. + Catherine replied truly yes; to the former, her answer was that she had + come from Stratford; whereas, as we very well know, she had lately quitted + Birmingham. + </p> + <p> + “Hast thee seen a woman pass this way, on a black horse, with a large bag + of goold over the saddle?” said Jehu, preparing to mount upon the roof of + his coach. + </p> + <p> + “No, indeed,” said Mrs. Cat. + </p> + <p> + “Nor a trooper on another horse after her—no? Well, there be a + mortal row down Birmingham way about sich a one. She have killed, they + say, nine gentlemen at supper, and have strangled a German prince in bed. + She have robbed him of twenty thousand guineas, and have rode away on a + black horse.” + </p> + <p> + “That can't be I,” said Mrs. Cat, naively, “for I have but three shillings + and a groat.” + </p> + <p> + “No, it can't be thee, truly, for where's your bag of goold? and, besides, + thee hast got too pretty a face to do such wicked things as to kill nine + gentlemen and strangle a German prince.” + </p> + <p> + “Law, coachman,” said Mrs. Cat, blushing archly— “Law, coachman, DO + you think so?” The girl would have been pleased with a compliment even on + her way to be hanged; and the parley ended by Mrs. Catherine stepping into + the carriage, where there was room for eight people at least, and where + two or three individuals had already taken their places. For these Mrs. + Catherine had in the first place to make a story, which she did; and a + very glib one for a person of her years and education. Being asked whither + she was bound, and how she came to be alone of a morning sitting by a + road-side, she invented a neat history suitable to the occasion, which + elicited much interest from her fellow-passengers: one in particular, a + young man, who had caught a glimpse of her face under her hood, was very + tender in his attentions to her. + </p> + <p> + But whether it was that she had been too much fatigued by the occurrences + of the past day and sleepless night, or whether the little laudanum which + she had drunk a few hours previously now began to act upon her, certain it + is that Mrs. Cat now suddenly grew sick, feverish, and extraordinarily + sleepy; and in this state she continued for many hours, to the pity of all + her fellow-travellers. At length the “carryvan” reached the inn, where + horses and passengers were accustomed to rest for a few hours, and to + dine; and Mrs. Catherine was somewhat awakened by the stir of the + passengers, and the friendly voice of the inn-servant welcoming them to + dinner. The gentleman who had been smitten by her beauty now urged her + very politely to descend; which, taking the protection of his arm, she + accordingly did. + </p> + <p> + He made some very gallant speeches to her as she stepped out; and she must + have been very much occupied by them, or wrapt up in her own thoughts, or + stupefied by sleep, fever, and opium, for she did not take any heed of the + place into which she was going: which, had she done, she would probably + have preferred remaining in the coach, dinnerless and ill. Indeed, the inn + into which she was about to make her entrance was no other than the + “Bugle,” from which she set forth at the commencement of this history; and + which then, as now, was kept by her relative, the thrifty Mrs. Score. That + good landlady, seeing a lady, in a smart hood and cloak, leaning, as if + faint, upon the arm of a gentleman of good appearance, concluded them to + be man and wife, and folks of quality too; and with much discrimination, + as well as sympathy, led them through the public kitchen to her own + private parlour, or bar, where she handed the lady an armchair, and asked + what she would like to drink. By this time, and indeed at the very moment + she heard her aunt's voice, Mrs. Catherine was aware of her situation; and + when her companion retired, and the landlady, with much officiousness, + insisted on removing her hood, she was quite prepared for the screech of + surprise which Mrs. Score gave on dropping it, exclaiming, “Why, law bless + us, it's our Catherine!” + </p> + <p> + “I'm very ill, and tired, aunt,” said Cat; “and would give the world for a + few hours' sleep.” + </p> + <p> + “A few hours and welcome, my love, and a sack-posset too. You do look + sadly tired and poorly, sure enough. Ah, Cat, Cat! you great ladies are + sad rakes, I do believe. I wager now, that with all your balls, and + carriages, and fine clothes, you are neither so happy nor so well as when + you lived with your poor old aunt, who used to love you so.” And with + these gentle words, and an embrace or two, which Mrs. Catherine wondered + at, and permitted, she was conducted to that very bed which the Count had + occupied a year previously, and undressed, and laid in it, and + affectionately tucked up by her aunt, who marvelled at the fineness of her + clothes, as she removed them piece by piece; and when she saw that in Mrs. + Catherine's pocket there was only the sum of three and fourpence, said, + archly, “There was no need of money, for the Captain took care of that.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Cat did not undeceive her; and deceived Mrs. Score certainly was,—for + she imagined the well-dressed gentleman who led Cat from the carriage was + no other than the Count; and, as she had heard, from time to time, + exaggerated reports of the splendour of the establishment which he kept + up, she was induced to look upon her niece with the very highest respect, + and to treat her as if she were a fine lady. “And so she IS a fine lady,” + Mrs. Score had said months ago, when some of these flattering stories + reached her, and she had overcome her first fury at Catherine's elopement. + “The girl was very cruel to leave me; but we must recollect that she is as + good as married to a nobleman, and must all forget and forgive, you know.” + </p> + <p> + This speech had been made to Doctor Dobbs, who was in the habit of taking + a pipe and a tankard at the “Bugle,” and it had been roundly reprobated by + the worthy divine; who told Mrs. Score, that the crime of Catherine was + only the more heinous, if it had been committed from interested motives; + and protested that, were she a princess, he would never speak to her + again. Mrs. Score thought and pronounced the Doctor's opinion to be very + bigoted; indeed, she was one of those persons who have a marvellous + respect for prosperity, and a corresponding scorn for ill-fortune. When, + therefore, she returned to the public room, she went graciously to the + gentleman who had led Mrs. Catherine from the carriage, and with a knowing + curtsey welcomed him to the “Bugle;” told him that his lady would not come + to dinner, but bade her say, with her best love to his Lordship, that the + ride had fatigued her, and that she would lie in bed for an hour or two. + </p> + <p> + This speech was received with much wonder by his Lordship; who was, + indeed, no other than a Liverpool tailor going to London to learn + fashions; but he only smiled, and did not undeceive the landlady, who + herself went off, smilingly, to bustle about dinner. + </p> + <p> + The two or three hours allotted to that meal by the liberal coachmasters + of those days passed away, and Mr. Coachman, declaring that his horses + were now rested enough, and that they had twelve miles to ride, put the + steeds to, and summoned the passengers. Mrs. Score, who had seen with much + satisfaction that her niece was really ill, and her fever more violent, + and hoped to have her for many days an inmate in her house, now came + forward, and casting upon the Liverpool tailor a look of profound but + respectful melancholy, said, “My Lord (for I recollect your Lordship quite + well), the lady upstairs is so ill, that it would be a sin to move her: + had I not better tell coachman to take down your Lordship's trunks, and + the lady's, and make you a bed in the next room?” + </p> + <p> + Very much to her surprise, this proposition was received with a roar of + laughter. “Madam,” said the person addressed, “I'm not a lord, but a + tailor and draper; and as for that young woman, before to-day I never set + eyes on her.” + </p> + <p> + “WHAT!” screamed out Mrs. Score. “Are not you the Count? Do you mean to + say that you a'n't Cat's—? DO you mean to say that you didn't order + her bed, and that you won't pay this here little bill?” And with this she + produced a document, by which the Count's lady was made her debtor in a + sum of half-a-guinea. + </p> + <p> + These passionate words excited more and more laughter. “Pay it, my Lord,” + said the coachman; “and then come along, for time presses.” “Our respects + to her Ladyship,” said one passenger. “Tell her my Lord can't wait,” said + another; and with much merriment one and all quitted the hotel, entered + the coach, and rattled off. + </p> + <p> + Dumb—pale with terror and rage—bill in hand, Mrs. Score had + followed the company; but when the coach disappeared, her senses returned. + Back she flew into the inn, overturning the ostler, not deigning to answer + Doctor Dobbs (who, from behind soft tobacco-fumes, mildly asked the reason + of her disturbance), and, bounding upstairs like a fury, she rushed into + the room where Catherine lay. + </p> + <p> + “Well, madam!” said she, in her highest key, “do you mean that you have + come into this here house to swindle me? Do you dare for to come with your + airs here, and call yourself a nobleman's lady, and sleep in the best bed, + when you're no better nor a common tramper? I'll thank you, ma'am, to get + out, ma'am. I'll have no sick paupers in this house, ma'am. You know your + way to the workhouse, ma'am, and there I'll trouble you for to go.” And + here Mrs. Score proceeded quickly to pull off the bedclothes; and poor Cat + arose, shivering with fright and fever. + </p> + <p> + She had no spirit to answer, as she would have done the day before, when + an oath from any human being would have brought half-a-dozen from her in + return; or a knife, or a plate, or a leg of mutton, if such had been to + her hand. She had no spirit left for such repartees; but in reply to the + above words of Mrs. Score, and a great many more of the same kind—which + are not necessary for our history, but which that lady uttered with + inconceivable shrillness and volubility, the poor wench could say little,—only + sob and shiver, and gather up the clothes again, crying, “Oh, aunt, don't + speak unkind to me! I'm very unhappy, and very ill!” + </p> + <p> + “Ill, you strumpet! ill, be hanged! Ill is as ill does; and if you are + ill, it's only what you merit. Get out! dress yourself—tramp! Get to + the workhouse, and don't come to cheat me any more! Dress yourself—do + you hear? Satin petticoat forsooth, and lace to her smock!” + </p> + <p> + Poor, wretched, chattering, burning, shivering Catherine huddled on her + clothes as well she might: she seemed hardly to know or see what she was + doing, and did not reply a single word to the many that the landlady let + fall. Cat tottered down the narrow stairs, and through the kitchen, and to + the door; which she caught hold of, and paused awhile, and looked into + Mrs. Score's face, as for one more chance. “Get out, you nasty trull!” + said that lady, sternly, with arms akimbo; and poor Catherine, with a most + piteous scream and outgush of tears, let go of the door-post and staggered + away into the road. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Why, no—yes—no—it is poor Catherine Hall, as I live!” + said somebody, starting up, shoving aside Mrs. Score very rudely, and + running into the road, wig off and pipe in hand. It was honest Doctor + Dobbs; and the result of his interview with Mrs. Cat was, that he gave up + for ever smoking his pipe at the “Bugle;” and that she lay sick of a fever + for some weeks in his house. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Over this part of Mrs. Cat's history we shall be as brief as possible; + for, to tell the truth, nothing immoral occurred during her whole stay at + the good Doctor's house; and we are not going to insult the reader by + offering him silly pictures of piety, cheerfulness, good sense, and + simplicity; which are milk-and-water virtues after all, and have no relish + with them like a good strong vice, highly peppered. Well, to be short: + Doctor Dobbs, though a profound theologian, was a very simple gentleman; + and before Mrs. Cat had been a month in the house, he had learned to look + upon her as one of the most injured and repentant characters in the world; + and had, with Mrs. Dobbs, resolved many plans for the future welfare of + the young Magdalen. “She was but sixteen, my love, recollect,” said the + Doctor; “she was carried off, not by her own wish either. The Count swore + he would marry her; and, though she did not leave him until that monster + tried to poison her, yet think what a fine Christian spirit the poor girl + has shown! she forgives him as heartily—more heartily, I am sure, + than I do Mrs. Score for turning her adrift in that wicked way.” The + reader will perceive some difference in the Doctor's statement and ours, + which we assure him is the true one; but the fact is, the honest rector + had had his tale from Mrs. Cat, and it was not in his nature to doubt, if + she had told him a history ten times more wonderful. + </p> + <p> + The reverend gentleman and his wife then laid their heads together; and, + recollecting something of John Hayes's former attachment to Mrs. Cat, + thought that it might be advantageously renewed, should Hayes be still + constant. Having very adroitly sounded Catherine (so adroitly, indeed, as + to ask her “whether she would like to marry John Hayes?”), that young + woman had replied, “No. She had loved John Hayes—he had been her + early, only love; but she was fallen now, and not good enough for him.” + And this made the Dobbs family admire her more and more, and cast about + for means to bring the marriage to pass. + </p> + <p> + Hayes was away from the village when Mrs. Cat had arrived there; but he + did not fail to hear of her illness, and how her aunt had deserted her, + and the good Doctor taken her in. The worthy Doctor himself met Mr. Hayes + on the green; and, telling him that some repairs were wanting in his + kitchen begged him to step in and examine them. Hayes first said no, + plump, and then no, gently; and then pished, and then psha'd; and then, + trembling very much, went in: and there sat Mrs. Catherine, trembling very + much too. + </p> + <p> + What passed between them? If your Ladyship is anxious to know, think of + that morning when Sir John himself popped the question. Could there be + anything more stupid than the conversation which took place? Such stuff is + not worth repeating: no, not when uttered by people in the very genteelest + of company; as for the amorous dialogue of a carpenter and an ex-barmaid, + it is worse still. Suffice it to say, that Mr. Hayes, who had had a year + to recover from his passion, and had, to all appearances, quelled it, was + over head and ears again the very moment he saw Mrs. Cat, and had all his + work to do again. + </p> + <p> + Whether the Doctor knew what was going on, I can't say; but this matter is + certain, that every evening Hayes was now in the rectory kitchen, or else + walking abroad with Mrs. Catherine: and whether she ran away with him, or + he with her, I shall not make it my business to inquire; but certainly at + the end of three months (which must be crowded up into this one little + sentence), another elopement took place in the village. “I should have + prevented it, certainly,” said Doctor Dobbs—whereat his wife smiled; + “but the young people kept the matter a secret from me.” And so he would, + had he known it; but though Mrs. Dobbs had made several attempts to + acquaint him with the precise hour and method of the intended elopement, + he peremptorily ordered her to hold her tongue. The fact is, that the + matter had been discussed by the rector's lady many times. “Young Hayes,” + would she say “has a pretty little fortune and trade of his own; he is an + only son, and may marry as he likes; and, though not specially handsome, + generous, or amiable, has an undeniable love for Cat (who, you know, must + not be particular), and the sooner she marries him, I think, the better. + They can't be married at our church you know, and—” “Well,” said the + Doctor, “if they are married elsewhere, I can't help it, and know nothing + about it, look you.” And upon this hint the elopement took place: which, + indeed, was peaceably performed early one Sunday morning about a month + after; Mrs. Hall getting behind Mr. Hayes on a pillion, and all the + children of the parsonage giggling behind the window-blinds to see the + pair go off. + </p> + <p> + During this month Mr. Hayes had caused the banns to be published at the + town of Worcester; judging rightly that in a great town they would cause + no such remark as in a solitary village, and thither he conducted his + lady. O ill-starred John Hayes! whither do the dark Fates lead you? O + foolish Doctor Dobbs, to forget that young people ought to honour their + parents, and to yield to silly Mrs. Dobbs's ardent propensity for making + matches! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The London Gazette of the 1st April, 1706, contains a proclamation by the + Queen for putting into execution an Act of Parliament for the + encouragement and increase of seamen, and for the better and speedier + manning of Her Majesty's fleet, which authorises all justices to issue + warrants to constables, petty constables, headboroughs, and tything-men, + to enter and, if need be, to break open the doors of any houses where they + shall believe deserting seamen to be; and for the further increase and + encouragement of the navy, to take able-bodied landsmen when seamen fail. + This Act, which occupies four columns of the Gazette, and another of + similar length and meaning for pressing men into the army, need not be + quoted at length here; but caused a mighty stir throughout the kingdom at + the time when it was in force. + </p> + <p> + As one has seen or heard, after the march of a great army, a number of + rogues and loose characters bring up the rear; in like manner, at the tail + of a great measure of State, follow many roguish personal interests, which + are protected by the main body. The great measure of Reform, for instance, + carried along with it much private jobbing and swindling—as could be + shown were we not inclined to deal mildly with the Whigs; and this + Enlistment Act, which, in order to maintain the British glories in + Flanders, dealt most cruelly with the British people in England (it is not + the first time that a man has been pinched at home to make a fine + appearance abroad), created a great company of rascals and informers + throughout the land, who lived upon it; or upon extortion from those who + were subject to it, or not being subject to it were frightened into the + belief that they were. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Hayes and his lady had gone through the marriage ceremony at + Worcester, the former, concluding that at such a place lodging and food + might be procured at a cheaper rate, looked about carefully for the + meanest public-house in the town, where he might deposit his bride. + </p> + <p> + In the kitchen of this inn, a party of men were drinking; and, as Mrs. + Hayes declined, with a proper sense of her superiority, to eat in company + with such low fellows, the landlady showed her and her husband to an inner + apartment, where they might be served in private. + </p> + <p> + The kitchen party seemed, indeed, not such as a lady would choose to join. + There was one huge lanky fellow, that looked like a soldier, and had a + halberd; another was habited in a sailor's costume, with a fascinating + patch over one eye; and a third, who seemed the leader of the gang, was a + stout man in a sailor's frock and a horseman's jack-boots, whom one might + fancy, if he were anything, to be a horse-marine. + </p> + <p> + Of one of these worthies, Mrs. Hayes thought she knew the figure and + voice; and she found her conjectures were true, when, all of sudden, three + people, without “With your leave,” or “By your leave,” burst into the + room, into which she and her spouse had retired. At their head was no + other than her old friend, Mr. Peter Brock; he had his sword drawn, and + his finger to his lips, enjoining silence, as it were, to Mrs. Catherine. + He with the patch on his eye seized incontinently on Mr. Hayes; the tall + man with the halberd kept the door; two or three heroes supported the + one-eyed man; who, with a loud voice, exclaimed, “Down with your arms—no + resistance! you are my prisoner, in the Queen's name!” + </p> + <p> + And here, at this lock, we shall leave the whole company until the next + chapter; which may possibly explain what they were. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. CONTAINS MR. BROCK'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND OTHER MATTERS. + </h2> + <p> + “You don't sure believe these men?” said Mrs. Hayes, as soon as the first + alarm caused by the irruption of Mr. Brock and his companions had + subsided. “These are no magistrate's men: it is but a trick to rob you of + your money, John.” + </p> + <p> + “I will never give up a farthing of it!” screamed Hayes. + </p> + <p> + “Yonder fellow,” continued Mrs. Catherine, “I know, for all his drawn + sword and fierce looks; his name is—-” + </p> + <p> + “Wood, madam, at your service!” said Mr. Brock. “I am follower to Mr. + Justice Gobble, of this town: a'n't I, Tim?” said Mr. Brock to the tall + halberdman who was keeping the door. + </p> + <p> + “Yes indeed,” said Tim, archly; “we're all followers of his honour Justice + Gobble.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly!” said the one-eyed man. + </p> + <p> + “Of course!” cried the man in the nightcap. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose, madam, you're satisfied NOW?” continued Mr. Brock, alias Wood. + “You can't deny the testimony of gentlemen like these; and our commission + is to apprehend all able-bodied male persons who can give no good account + of themselves, and enrol them in the service of Her Majesty. Look at this + Mr. Hayes” (who stood trembling in his shoes). “Can there be a bolder, + properer, straighter gentleman? We'll have him for a grenadier before the + day's over!” + </p> + <p> + “Take heart, John—don't be frightened. Psha! I tell you I know the + man” cried out Mrs. Hayes: “he is only here to extort money.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, for that matter, I DO think I recollect the lady. Let me see; where + was it? At Birmingham, I think,—ay, at Birmingham,—about the + time when they tried to murder Count Gal—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir!” here cried Madam Hayes, dropping her voice at once from a tone + of scorn to one of gentlest entreaty, “what is it you want with my + husband? I know not, indeed, if ever I saw you before. For what do you + seize him? How much will you take to release him, and let us go? Name the + sum; he is rich, and—” + </p> + <p> + “RICH, Catherine!” cried Hayes. “Rich!—O heavens! Sir, I have + nothing but my hands to support me: I am a poor carpenter, sir, working + under my father!” + </p> + <p> + “He can give twenty guineas to be free; I know he can!” said Mrs. Cat. + </p> + <p> + “I have but a guinea to carry me home,” sighed out Hayes. + </p> + <p> + “But you have twenty at home, John,” said his wife. “Give these brave + gentlemen a writing to your mother, and she will pay; and you will let us + free then, gentlemen—won't you?” + </p> + <p> + “When the money's paid, yes,” said the leader, Mr. Brock. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, in course,” echoed the tall man with the halberd. “What's a thrifling + detintion, my dear?” continued he, addressing Hayes. “We'll amuse you in + your absence, and drink to the health of your pretty wife here.” + </p> + <p> + This promise, to do the halberdier justice, he fulfilled. He called upon + the landlady to produce the desired liquor; and when Mr. Hayes flung + himself at that lady's feet, demanding succour from her, and asking + whether there was no law in the land— + </p> + <p> + “There's no law at the 'Three Rooks' except THIS!” said Mr. Brock in + reply, holding up a horse-pistol. To which the hostess, grinning, + assented, and silently went her way. + </p> + <p> + After some further solicitations, John Hayes drew out the necessary letter + to his father, stating that he was pressed, and would not be set free + under a sum of twenty guineas; and that it would be of no use to detain + the bearer of the letter, inasmuch as the gentlemen who had possession of + him vowed that they would murder him should any harm befall their comrade. + As a further proof of the authenticity of the letter, a token was added: a + ring that Hayes wore, and that his mother had given him. + </p> + <p> + The missives were, after some consultation, entrusted to the care of the + tall halberdier, who seemed to rank as second in command of the forces + that marched under Corporal Brock. This gentleman was called indifferently + Ensign, Mr., or even Captain Macshane; his intimates occasionally in sport + called him Nosey, from the prominence of that feature in his countenance; + or Spindleshins, for the very reason which brought on the first Edward a + similar nickname. Mr. Macshane then quitted Worcester, mounted on Hayes's + horse; leaving all parties at the “Three Rooks” not a little anxious for + his return. + </p> + <p> + This was not to be expected until the next morning; and a weary nuit de + noces did Mr. Hayes pass. Dinner was served, and, according to promise, + Mr. Brock and his two friends enjoyed the meal along with the bride and + bridegroom. Punch followed, and this was taken in company; then came + supper. Mr. Brock alone partook of this, the other two gentlemen + preferring the society of their pipes and the landlady in the kitchen. + </p> + <p> + “It is a sorry entertainment, I confess,” said the ex-corporal, “and a + dismal way for a gentleman to spend his bridal night; but somebody must + stay with you, my dears: for who knows but you might take a fancy to + scream out of window, and then there would be murder, and the deuce and + all to pay. One of us must stay, and my friends love a pipe, so you must + put up with my company until they can relieve guard.” + </p> + <p> + The reader will not, of course, expect that three people who were to pass + the night, however unwillingly, together in an inn-room, should sit there + dumb and moody, and without any personal communication; on the contrary, + Mr. Brock, as an old soldier, entertained his prisoners with the utmost + courtesy, and did all that lay in his power, by the help of liquor and + conversation, to render their durance tolerable. On the bridegroom his + attentions were a good deal thrown away: Mr. Hayes consented to drink + copiously, but could not be made to talk much; and, in fact, the fright of + the seizure, the fate hanging over him should his parents refuse a ransom, + and the tremendous outlay of money which would take place should they + accede to it, weighed altogether on his mind so much as utterly to unman + it. + </p> + <p> + As for Mrs. Cat, I don't think she was at all sorry in her heart to see + the old Corporal: for he had been a friend of old times—dear times + to her; she had had from him, too, and felt for him, not a little + kindness; and there was really a very tender, innocent friendship + subsisting between this pair of rascals, who relished much a night's + conversation together. + </p> + <p> + The Corporal, after treating his prisoners to punch in great quantities, + proposed the amusement of cards: over which Mr. Hayes had not been + occupied more than an hour, when he found himself so excessively sleepy as + to be persuaded to fling himself down on the bed dressed as he was, and + there to snore away until morning. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Catherine had no inclination for sleep; and the Corporal, equally + wakeful, plied incessantly the bottle, and held with her a great deal of + conversation. The sleep, which was equivalent to the absence, of John + Hayes took all restraint from their talk. She explained to Brock the + circumstances of her marriage, which we have already described; they + wondered at the chance which had brought them together at the “Three + Rooks;” nor did Brock at all hesitate to tell her at once that his calling + was quite illegal, and that his intention was simply to extort money. The + worthy Corporal had not the slightest shame regarding his own profession, + and cut many jokes with Mrs. Cat about her late one; her attempt to murder + the Count, and her future prospects as a wife. + </p> + <p> + And here, having brought him upon the scene again, we may as well shortly + narrate some of the principal circumstances which befell him after his + sudden departure from Birmingham; and which he narrated with much candour + to Mrs. Catherine. + </p> + <p> + He rode the Captain's horse to Oxford (having exchanged his military dress + for a civil costume on the road), and at Oxford he disposed of “George of + Denmark,” a great bargain, to one of the heads of colleges. As soon as Mr. + Brock, who took on himself the style and title of Captain Wood, had + sufficiently examined the curiosities of the University, he proceeded at + once to the capital: the only place for a gentleman of his fortune and + figure. + </p> + <p> + Here he read, with a great deal of philosophical indifference, in the + Daily Post, the Courant, the Observator, the Gazette, and the chief + journals of those days, which he made a point of examining at “Button's” + and “Will's,” an accurate description of his person, his clothes, and the + horse he rode, and a promise of fifty guineas' reward to any person who + would give an account of him (so that he might be captured) to Captain + Count Galgenstein at Birmingham, to Mr. Murfey at the “Golden Ball” in the + Savoy, or Mr. Bates at the “Blew Anchor in Pickadilly.” But Captain Wood, + in an enormous full-bottomed periwig that cost him sixty pounds,[*] with + high red heels to his shoes, a silver sword, and a gold snuff-box, and a + large wound (obtained, he said, at the siege of Barcelona), which + disfigured much of his countenance, and caused him to cover one eye, was + in small danger, he thought, of being mistaken for Corporal Brock, the + deserter of Cutts's; and strutted along the Mall with as grave an air as + the very best nobleman who appeared there. He was generally, indeed, voted + to be very good company; and as his expenses were unlimited (“A few + convent candlesticks,” my dear, he used to whisper, “melt into a vast + number of doubloons”), he commanded as good society as he chose to ask + for: and it was speedily known as a fact throughout town, that Captain + Wood, who had served under His Majesty Charles III. of Spain, had carried + off the diamond petticoat of Our Lady of Compostella, and lived upon the + proceeds of the fraud. People were good Protestants in those days, and + many a one longed to have been his partner in the pious plunder. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * In the ingenious contemporary history of Moll Flanders, a + periwig is mentioned as costing that sum. +</pre> + <p> + All surmises concerning his wealth, Captain Wood, with much discretion, + encouraged. He contradicted no report, but was quite ready to confirm all; + and when two different rumours were positively put to him, he used only to + laugh, and say, “My dear sir, <i>I</i> don't make the stories; but I'm not + called upon to deny them; and I give you fair warning, that I shall assent + to every one of them; so you may believe them or not, as you please.” And + so he had the reputation of being a gentleman, not only wealthy, but + discreet. In truth, it was almost a pity that worthy Brock had not been a + gentleman born; in which case, doubtless, he would have lived and died as + became his station; for he spent his money like a gentleman, he loved + women like a gentleman, he would fight like a gentleman, he gambled and + got drunk like a gentleman. What did he want else? Only a matter of six + descents, a little money, and an estate, to render him the equal of St. + John or Harley. “Ah, those were merry days!” would Mr. Brock say,—for + he loved, in a good old age, to recount the story of his London + fashionable campaign;—“and when I think how near I was to become a + great man, and to die perhaps a general, I can't but marvel at the wicked + obstinacy of my ill-luck.” + </p> + <p> + “I will tell you what I did, my dear: I had lodgings in Piccadilly, as if + I were a lord; I had two large periwigs, and three suits of laced clothes; + I kept a little black dressed out like a Turk; I walked daily in the Mall; + I dined at the politest ordinary in Covent Garden; I frequented the best + of coffee-houses, and knew all the pretty fellows of the town; I cracked a + bottle with Mr. Addison, and lent many a piece to Dick Steele (a sad + debauched rogue, my dear); and, above all, I'll tell you what I did—the + noblest stroke that sure ever a gentleman performed in my situation. + </p> + <p> + “One day, going into 'Will's,' I saw a crowd of gentlemen gathered + together, and heard one of them say, 'Captain Wood! I don't know the man; + but there was a Captain Wood in Southwell's regiment.' Egad, it was my + Lord Peterborough himself who was talking about me. So, putting off my + hat, I made a most gracious conge to my Lord, and said I knew HIM, and + rode behind him at Barcelona on our entry into that town. + </p> + <p> + “'No doubt you did, Captain Wood,' says my Lord, taking my hand; 'and no + doubt you know me: for many more know Tom Fool, than Tom Fool knows.' And + with this, at which all of us laughed, my Lord called for a bottle, and he + and I sat down and drank it together. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he was in disgrace, as you know, but he grew mighty fond of me, and—would + you believe it?—nothing would satisfy him but presenting me at + Court! Yes, to Her Sacred Majesty the Queen, and my Lady Marlborough, who + was in high feather. Ay, truly, the sentinels on duty used to salute me as + if I were Corporal John himself! I was on the high road to fortune. + Charley Mordaunt used to call me Jack, and drink canary at my chambers; I + used to make one at my Lord Treasurer's levee; I had even got Mr. + Army-Secretary Walpole to take a hundred guineas as a compliment: and he + had promised me a majority: when bad luck turned, and all my fine hopes + were overthrown in a twinkling. + </p> + <p> + “You see, my dear, that after we had left that gaby, Galgenstein,—ha, + ha—with a gag in his mouth, and twopence-halfpenny in his pocket, + the honest Count was in the sorriest plight in the world; owing money here + and there to tradesmen, a cool thousand to the Warwickshire Squire: and + all this on eighty pounds a year! Well, for a little time the tradesmen + held their hands; while the jolly Count moved heaven and earth to catch + hold of his dear Corporal and his dear money-bags over again, and + placarded every town from London to Liverpool with descriptions of my + pretty person. The bird was flown, however,—the money clean gone,—and + when there was no hope of regaining it, what did the creditors do but clap + my gay gentleman into Shrewsbury gaol: where I wish he had rotted, for my + part. + </p> + <p> + “But no such luck for honest Peter Brock, or Captain Wood, as he was in + those days. One blessed Monday I went to wait on Mr. Secretary, and he + squeezed my hand and whispered to me that I was to be Major of a regiment + in Virginia—the very thing: for you see, my dear, I didn't care + about joining my Lord Duke in Flanders; being pretty well known to the + army there. The Secretary squeezed my hand (it had a fifty-pound bill in + it) and wished me joy, and called me Major, and bowed me out of his closet + into the ante-room; and, as gay as may be, I went off to the 'Tilt-yard + Coffee-house' in Whitehall, which is much frequented by gentlemen of our + profession, where I bragged not a little of my good luck. + </p> + <p> + “Amongst the company were several of my acquaintance, and amongst them a + gentleman I did not much care to see, look you! I saw a uniform that I + knew—red and yellow facings—Cutts's, my dear; and the wearer + of this was no other than his Excellency Gustavus Adolphus Maximilian, + whom we all know of! + </p> + <p> + “He stared me full in the face, right into my eye (t'other one was + patched, you know), and after standing stock-still with his mouth open, + gave a step back, and then a step forward, and then screeched out, 'It's + Brock!' + </p> + <p> + “'I beg your pardon, sir,' says I; 'did you speak to me?' + </p> + <p> + “'I'll SWEAR it's Brock,' cries Gal, as soon as he hears my voice, and + laid hold of my cuff (a pretty bit of Mechlin as ever you saw, by the + way). + </p> + <p> + “'Sirrah!' says I, drawing it back, and giving my Lord a little touch of + the fist (just at the last button of the waistcoat, my dear,—a rare + place if you wish to prevent a man from speaking too much: it sent him + reeling to the other end of the room). 'Ruffian!' says I. 'Dog!' says I. + 'Insolent puppy and coxcomb! what do you mean by laying your hand on me?' + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, Major, you giv him his BILLYFUL,' roared out a long Irish + unattached ensign, that I had treated with many a glass of Nantz at the + tavern. And so, indeed, I had; for the wretch could not speak for some + minutes, and all the officers stood laughing at him, as he writhed and + wriggled hideously. + </p> + <p> + “'Gentlemen, this is a monstrous scandal,' says one officer. 'Men of rank + and honour at fists like a parcel of carters!' + </p> + <p> + “'Men of honour!' says the Count, who had fetched up his breath by this + time. (I made for the door, but Macshane held me and said, 'Major, you are + not going to shirk him, sure?' Whereupon I gripped his hand and vowed I + would have the dog's life.) + </p> + <p> + “'Men of honour!' says the Count. 'I tell you the man is a deserter, a + thief, and a swindler! He was my corporal, and ran away with a thou—' + </p> + <p> + “'Dog, you lie!' I roared out, and made another cut at him with my cane; + but the gentlemen rushed between us. + </p> + <p> + “'O bluthanowns!' says honest Macshane, 'the lying scounthrel this fellow + is! Gentlemen, I swear be me honour that Captain Wood was wounded at + Barcelona; and that I saw him there; and that he and I ran away together + at the battle of Almanza, and bad luck to us.' + </p> + <p> + “You see, my dear, that these Irish have the strongest imaginations in the + world; and that I had actually persuaded poor Mac that he and I were + friends in Spain. Everybody knew Mac, who was a character in his way, and + believed him. + </p> + <p> + “'Strike a gentleman,' says I. 'I'll have your blood, I will.' + </p> + <p> + “'This instant,' says the Count, who was boiling with fury; 'and where you + like.' + </p> + <p> + “'Montague House,' says I. 'Good,' says he. And off we went. In good time + too, for the constables came in at the thought of such a disturbance, and + wanted to take us in charge. + </p> + <p> + “But the gentlemen present, being military men, would not hear of this. + Out came Mac's rapier, and that of half-a-dozen others; and the constables + were then told to do their duty if they liked, or to take a crown-piece, + and leave us to ourselves. Off they went; and presently, in a couple of + coaches, the Count and his friends, I and mine, drove off to the fields + behind Montague House. Oh that vile coffee-house! why did I enter it? + </p> + <p> + “We came to the ground. Honest Macshane was my second, and much + disappointed because the second on the other side would not make a fight + of it, and exchange a few passes with him; but he was an old major, a cool + old hand, as brave as steel, and no fool. Well, the swords are measured, + Galgenstein strips off his doublet, and I my handsome cut-velvet in like + fashion. Galgenstein flings off his hat, and I handed mine over—the + lace on it cost me twenty pounds. I longed to be at him, for—curse + him!—I hate him, and know that he has no chance with me at + sword's-play. + </p> + <p> + “'You'll not fight in that periwig, sure?' says Macshane. 'Of course not,' + says I, and took it off. + </p> + <p> + “May all barbers be roasted in flames; may all periwigs, bobwigs, + scratchwigs, and Ramillies cocks, frizzle in purgatory from this day forth + to the end of time! Mine was the ruin of me: what might I not have been + now but for that wig! + </p> + <p> + “I gave it over to Ensign Macshane, and with it went what I had quite + forgotten, the large patch which I wore over one eye, which popped out + fierce, staring, and lively as was ever any eye in the world. + </p> + <p> + “'Come on!' says I, and made a lunge at my Count; but he sprang back (the + dog was as active as a hare, and knew, from old times, that I was his + master with the small-sword), and his second, wondering, struck up my + blade. + </p> + <p> + “'I will not fight that man,' says he, looking mighty pale. 'I swear upon + my honour that his name is Peter Brock: he was for two years my corporal, + and deserted, running away with a thousand pounds of my moneys. Look at + the fellow! What is the matter with his eye? why did he wear a patch over + it? But stop!' says he. 'I have more proof. Hand me my pocket-book.' And + from it, sure enough, he produced the infernal proclamation announcing my + desertion! 'See if the fellow has a scar across his left ear' (and I can't + say, my dear, but what I have: it was done by a cursed Dutchman at the + Boyne). 'Tell me if he has not got C.R. in blue upon his right arm' (and + there it is sure enough). 'Yonder swaggering Irishman may be his + accomplice for what I know; but I will have no dealings with Mr. Brock, + save with a constable for a second.' + </p> + <p> + “'This is an odd story, Captain Wood,' said the old Major who acted for + the Count. + </p> + <p> + “'A scounthrelly falsehood regarding me and my friend!' shouted out Mr. + Macshane; 'and the Count shall answer for it.' + </p> + <p> + “'Stop, stop!' says the Major. 'Captain Wood is too gallant a gentleman, I + am sure, not to satisfy the Count; and will show us that he has no such + mark on his arm as only private soldiers put there.' + </p> + <p> + “'Captain Wood,' says I, 'will do no such thing, Major. I'll fight that + scoundrel Galgenstein, or you, or any of you, like a man of honour; but I + won't submit to be searched like a thief!' + </p> + <p> + “'No, in coorse,' said Macshane. + </p> + <p> + “'I must take my man off the ground,' says the Major. + </p> + <p> + “'Well, take him, sir,' says I, in a rage; 'and just let me have the + pleasure of telling him that he's a coward and a liar; and that my + lodgings are in Piccadilly, where, if ever he finds courage to meet me, he + may hear of me!' + </p> + <p> + “'Faugh! I shpit on ye all,' cries my gallant ally Macshane. And sure + enough he kept his word, or all but—suiting the action to it at any + rate. + </p> + <p> + “And so we gathered up our clothes, and went back in our separate coaches, + and no blood spilt. + </p> + <p> + “'And is it thrue now,' said Mr. Macshane, when we were alone—'is it + thrue now, all these divvles have been saying?' 'Ensign,' says I, 'you're + a man of the world?' + </p> + <p> + “''Deed and I am, and insign these twenty-two years.' + </p> + <p> + “'Perhaps you'd like a few pieces?' says I. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith and I should; for to tell you the secred thrut, I've not tasted + mate these four days.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well then, Ensign, it IS true,' says I; 'and as for meat, you shall have + some at the first cook-shop.' I bade the coach stop until he bought a + plateful, which he ate in the carriage, for my time was precious. I just + told him the whole story: at which he laughed, and swore that it was the + best piece of GENERALSHIP he ever heard on. When his belly was full, I + took out a couple of guineas and gave them to him. Mr. Macshane began to + cry at this, and kissed me, and swore he never would desert me: as, + indeed, my dear, I don't think he will; for we have been the best of + friends ever since, and he's the only man I ever could trust, I think. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what put it into my head, but I had a scent of some mischief + in the wind; so stopped the coach a little before I got home, and, turning + into a tavern, begged Macshane to go before me to my lodging, and see if + the coast was clear: which he did; and came back to me as pale as death, + saying that the house was full of constables. The cursed quarrel at the + Tilt-yard had, I suppose, set the beaks upon me; and a pretty sweep they + made of it. Ah, my dear! five hundred pounds in money, five suits of laced + clothes, three periwigs, besides laced shirts, swords, canes, and + snuff-boxes; and all to go back to that scoundrel Count. + </p> + <p> + “It was all over with me, I saw—no more being a gentleman for me; + and if I remained to be caught, only a choice between Tyburn and a file of + grenadiers. My love, under such circumstances, a gentleman can't be + particular, and must be prompt; the livery-stable was hard by where I used + to hire my coach to go to Court,—ha! ha!—and was known as a + man of substance. Thither I went immediately. 'Mr. Warmmash,' says I, 'my + gallant friend here and I have a mind for a ride and a supper at + Twickenham, so you must lend us a pair of your best horses.' Which he did + in a twinkling, and off we rode. + </p> + <p> + “We did not go into the Park, but turned off and cantered smartly up + towards Kilburn; and, when we got into the country, galloped as if the + devil were at our heels. Bless you, my love, it was all done in a minute: + and the Ensign and I found ourselves regular knights of the road, before + we knew where we were almost. Only think of our finding you and your new + husband at the 'Three Rooks'! There's not a greater fence than the + landlady in all the country. It was she that put us on seizing your + husband, and introduced us to the other two gentlemen, whose names I don't + know any more than the dead.” + </p> + <p> + “And what became of the horses?” said Mrs. Catherine to Mr. Brock, when + his tale was finished. + </p> + <p> + “Rips, madam,” said he; “mere rips. We sold them at Stourbridge fair, and + got but thirteen guineas for the two.” + </p> + <p> + “And—and—the Count, Max; where is he, Brock?” sighed she. + </p> + <p> + “Whew!” whistled Mr. Brock. “What, hankering after him still? My dear, he + is off to Flanders with his regiment; and, I make no doubt, there have + been twenty Countesses of Galgenstein since your time.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe any such thing, sir,” said Mrs. Catherine, starting up + very angrily. + </p> + <p> + “If you did, I suppose you'd laudanum him; wouldn't you?” + </p> + <p> + “Leave the room, fellow,” said the lady. But she recollected herself + speedily again; and, clasping her hands, and looking very wretched at + Brock, at the ceiling, at the floor, at her husband (from whom she + violently turned away her head), she began to cry piteously: to which + tears the Corporal set up a gentle accompaniment of whistling, as they + trickled one after another down her nose. + </p> + <p> + I don't think they were tears of repentance; but of regret for the time + when she had her first love, and her fine clothes, and her white hat and + blue feather. Of the two, the Corporal's whistle was much more innocent + than the girl's sobbing: he was a rogue; but a good-natured old fellow + when his humour was not crossed. Surely our novel-writers make a great + mistake in divesting their rascals of all gentle human qualities: they + have such—and the only sad point to think of is, in all private + concerns of life, abstract feelings, and dealings with friends, and so on, + how dreadfully like a rascal is to an honest man. The man who murdered the + Italian boy, set him first to play with his children whom he loved, and + who doubtless deplored his loss. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. ADVENTURES OF THE AMBASSADOR, MR. MACSHANE. + </h2> + <p> + If we had not been obliged to follow history in all respects, it is + probable that we should have left out the last adventure of Mrs. Catherine + and her husband, at the inn at Worcester, altogether; for, in truth, very + little came of it, and it is not very romantic or striking. But we are + bound to stick closely, above all, by THE TRUTH—the truth, though it + be not particularly pleasant to read of or to tell. As anybody may read in + the “Newgate Calendar,” Mr. and Mrs. Hayes were taken at an inn at + Worcester; were confined there; were swindled by persons who pretended to + impress the bridegroom for military service. What is one to do after that? + Had we been writing novels instead of authentic histories, we might have + carried them anywhere else we chose: and we had a great mind to make Hayes + philosophising with Bolingbroke, like a certain Devereux; and Mrs. + Catherine maitresse en titre to Mr. Alexander Pope, Doctor Sacheverel, Sir + John Reade the oculist, Dean Swift, or Marshal Tallard; as the very + commonest romancer would under such circumstances. But alas and alas! + truth must be spoken, whatever else is in the wind; and the excellent + “Newgate Calendar,” which contains the biographies and thanatographies of + Hayes and his wife, does not say a word of their connections with any of + the leading literary or military heroes of the time of Her Majesty Queen + Anne. The “Calendar” says, in so many words, that Hayes was obliged to + send to his father in Warwickshire for money to get him out of the scrape, + and that the old gentleman came down to his aid. By this truth must we + stick; and not for the sake of the most brilliant episode,—no, not + for a bribe of twenty extra guineas per sheet, would we depart from it. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brock's account of his adventure in London has given the reader some + short notice of his friend, Mr Macshane. Neither the wits nor the + principles of that worthy Ensign were particularly firm: for drink, + poverty, and a crack on the skull at the battle of Steenkirk had served to + injure the former; and the Ensign was not in his best days possessed of + any share of the latter. He had really, at one period, held such a rank in + the army, but pawned his half-pay for drink and play; and for many years + past had lived, one of the hundred thousand miracles of our city, upon + nothing that anybody knew of, or of which he himself could give any + account. Who has not a catalogue of these men in his list? who can tell + whence comes the occasional clean shirt, who supplies the continual means + of drunkenness, who wards off the daily-impending starvation? Their life + is a wonder from day to day: their breakfast a wonder; their dinner a + miracle; their bed an interposition of Providence. If you and I, my dear + sir, want a shilling tomorrow, who will give it us? Will OUR butchers give + us mutton-chops? will OUR laundresses clothe us in clean linen?—not + a bone or a rag. Standing as we do (may it be ever so) somewhat removed + from want,[*] is there one of us who does not shudder at the thought of + descending into the lists to combat with it, and expect anything but to be + utterly crushed in the encounter? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The author, it must be remembered, has his lodgings and + food provided for him by the government of his country. +</pre> + <p> + Not a bit of it, my dear sir. It takes much more than you think for to + starve a man. Starvation is very little when you are used to it. Some + people I know even, who live on it quite comfortably, and make their daily + bread by it. It had been our friend Macshane's sole profession for many + years; and he did not fail to draw from it such a livelihood as was + sufficient, and perhaps too good, for him. He managed to dine upon it a + certain or rather uncertain number of days in the week, to sleep + somewhere, and to get drunk at least three hundred times a year. He was + known to one or two noblemen who occasionally helped him with a few + pieces, and whom he helped in turn—never mind how. He had other + acquaintances whom he pestered undauntedly; and from whom he occasionally + extracted a dinner, or a crown, or mayhap, by mistake, a goldheaded cane, + which found its way to the pawnbroker's. When flush of cash, he would + appear at the coffee-house; when low in funds, the deuce knows into what + mystic caves and dens he slunk for food and lodging. He was perfectly + ready with his sword, and when sober, or better still, a very little + tipsy, was a complete master of it; in the art of boasting and lying he + had hardly any equals; in shoes he stood six feet five inches; and here is + his complete signalement. It was a fact that he had been in Spain as a + volunteer, where he had shown some gallantry, had had a brain-fever, and + was sent home to starve as before. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Macshane had, however, like Mr. Conrad, the Corsair, one virtue in the + midst of a thousand crimes,—he was faithful to his employer for the + time being: and a story is told of him, which may or may not be to his + credit, viz. that being hired on one occasion by a certain lord to inflict + a punishment upon a roturier who had crossed his lordship in his amours, + he, Macshane, did actually refuse from the person to be belaboured, and + who entreated his forbearance, a larger sum of money than the nobleman + gave him for the beating; which he performed punctually, as bound in + honour and friendship. This tale would the Ensign himself relate, with + much self-satisfaction; and when, after the sudden flight from London, he + and Brock took to their roving occupation, he cheerfully submitted to the + latter as his commanding officer, called him always Major, and, bating + blunders and drunkenness, was perfectly true to his leader. He had a + notion—and, indeed, I don't know that it was a wrong one—that + his profession was now, as before, strictly military, and according to the + rules of honour. Robbing he called plundering the enemy; and hanging was, + in his idea, a dastardly and cruel advantage that the latter took, and + that called for the sternest reprisals. + </p> + <p> + The other gentlemen concerned were strangers to Mr. Brock, who felt little + inclined to trust either of them upon such a message, or with such a large + sum to bring back. They had, strange to say, a similar mistrust on their + side; but Mr. Brock lugged out five guineas, which he placed in the + landlady's hand as security for his comrade's return; and Ensign Macshane, + being mounted on poor Hayes's own horse, set off to visit the parents of + that unhappy young man. It was a gallant sight to behold our thieves' + ambassador, in a faded sky-blue suit with orange facings, in a pair of + huge jack-boots unconscious of blacking, with a mighty basket-hilted sword + by his side, and a little shabby beaver cocked over a large tow-periwig, + ride out from the inn of the “Three Rooks” on his mission to Hayes's + paternal village. + </p> + <p> + It was eighteen miles distant from Worcester; but Mr. Macshane performed + the distance in safety, and in sobriety moreover (for such had been his + instructions), and had no difficulty in discovering the house of old + Hayes: towards which, indeed, John's horse trotted incontinently. Mrs. + Hayes, who was knitting at the house-door, was not a little surprised at + the appearance of the well-known grey gelding, and of the stranger mounted + upon it. + </p> + <p> + Flinging himself off the steed with much agility, Mr. Macshane, as soon as + his feet reached the ground, brought them rapidly together, in order to + make a profound and elegant bow to Mrs. Hayes; and slapping his greasy + beaver against his heart, and poking his periwig almost into the nose of + the old lady, demanded whether he had the “shooprame honour of adthressing + Misthriss Hees?” + </p> + <p> + Having been answered in the affirmative, he then proceeded to ask whether + there was a blackguard boy in the house who would take “the horse to the + steeble;” whether “he could have a dthrink of small-beer or buthermilk, + being, faith, uncommon dthry;” and whether, finally, “he could be feevored + with a few minutes' private conversation with her and Mr. Hees, on a + matther of consitherable impartance.” All these preliminaries were to be + complied with before Mr. Macshane would enter at all into the subject of + his visit. The horse and man were cared for; Mr. Hayes was called in; and + not a little anxious did Mrs. Hayes grow, in the meanwhile, with regard to + the fate of her darling son. “Where is he? How is he? Is he dead?” said + the old lady. “Oh yes, I'm sure he's dead!” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, madam, and you're misteeken intirely: the young man is perfectly + well in health.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, praised be Heaven!” + </p> + <p> + “But mighty cast down in sperrits. To misfortunes, madam, look you, the + best of us are subject; and a trifling one has fell upon your son.” + </p> + <p> + And herewith Mr. Macshane produced a letter in the handwriting of young + Hayes, of which we have had the good luck to procure a copy. It ran thus:— + </p> + <p> + “HONORED FATHER AND MOTHER,—The bearer of this is a kind gentleman, + who has left me in a great deal of trouble. Yesterday, at this towne, I + fell in with some gentlemen of the queene's servas; after drinking with + whom, I accepted her Majesty's mony to enliste. Repenting thereof, I did + endeavour to escape; and, in so doing, had the misfortune to strike my + superior officer, whereby I made myself liable to Death, according to the + rules of warr. If, however, I pay twenty ginnys, all will be wel. You must + give the same to the barer, els I shall be shott without fail on Tewsday + morning. And so no more from your loving son, + </p> + <p> + “JOHN HAYES. + </p> + <p> + “From my prison at Bristol, this unhappy Monday.” + </p> + <p> + When Mrs. Hayes read this pathetic missive, its success with her was + complete, and she was for going immediately to the cupboard, and producing + the money necessary for her darling son's release. But the carpenter Hayes + was much more suspicious. “I don't know you, sir,” said he to the + ambassador. + </p> + <p> + “Do you doubt my honour, sir?” said the Ensign, very fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “Why, sir,” replied Mr. Hayes “I know little about it one way or other, + but shall take it for granted, if you will explain a little more of this + business.” + </p> + <p> + “I sildom condescind to explean,” said Mr. Macshane, “for it's not the + custom in my rank; but I'll explean anything in reason.” + </p> + <p> + “Pray, will you tell me in what regiment my son is enlisted?” + </p> + <p> + “In coorse. In Colonel Wood's fut, my dear; and a gallant corps it is as + any in the army.” + </p> + <p> + “And you left him?” + </p> + <p> + “On me soul, only three hours ago, having rid like a horse-jockey ever + since; as in the sacred cause of humanity, curse me, every man should.” + </p> + <p> + As Hayes's house was seventy miles from Bristol, the old gentleman thought + this was marvellous quick riding, and so, cut the conversation short. “You + have said quite enough, sir,” said he, “to show me there is some roguery + in the matter, and that the whole story is false from beginning to end.” + </p> + <p> + At this abrupt charge the Ensign looked somewhat puzzled, and then spoke + with much gravity. “Roguery,” said he, “Misthur Hees, is a sthrong term; + and which, in consideration of my friendship for your family, I shall pass + over. You doubt your son's honour, as there wrote by him in black and + white?” + </p> + <p> + “You have forced him to write,” said Mr. Hayes. + </p> + <p> + “The sly old divvle's right,” muttered Mr. Macshane, aside. “Well, sir, to + make a clean breast of it, he HAS been forced to write it. The story about + the enlistment is a pretty fib, if you will, from beginning to end. And + what then, my dear? Do you think your son's any better off for that?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, where is he?” screamed Mrs. Hayes, plumping down on her knees. “We + WILL give him the money, won't we, John?” + </p> + <p> + “I know you will, madam, when I tell you where he is. He is in the hands + of some gentlemen of my acquaintance, who are at war with the present + government, and no more care about cutting a man's throat than they do a + chicken's. He is a prisoner, madam, of our sword and spear. If you choose + to ransom him, well and good; if not, peace be with him! for never more + shall you see him.” + </p> + <p> + “And how do I know you won't come back to-morrow for more money?” asked + Mr. Hayes. + </p> + <p> + “Sir, you have my honour; and I'd as lieve break my neck as my word,” said + Mr. Macshane, gravely. “Twenty guineas is the bargain. Take ten minutes to + talk of it—take it then, or leave it; it's all the same to me, my + dear.” And it must be said of our friend the Ensign, that he meant every + word he said, and that he considered the embassy on which he had come as + perfectly honourable and regular. + </p> + <p> + “And pray, what prevents us,” said Mr. Hayes, starting up in a rage, “from + taking hold of you, as a surety for him?” + </p> + <p> + “You wouldn't fire on a flag of truce, would ye, you dishonourable ould + civilian?” replied Mr. Macshane. “Besides,” says he, “there's more reasons + to prevent you: the first is this,” pointing to his sword; “here are two + more”—and these were pistols; “and the last and the best of all is, + that you might hang me and dthraw me and quarther me, an yet never see so + much as the tip of your son's nose again. Look you, sir, we run mighty + risks in our profession—it's not all play, I can tell you. We're + obliged to be punctual, too, or it's all up with the thrade. If I promise + that your son will die as sure as fate to-morrow morning, unless I return + home safe, our people MUST keep my promise; or else what chance is there + for me? You would be down upon me in a moment with a posse of constables, + and have me swinging before Warwick gaol. Pooh, my dear! you never would + sacrifice a darling boy like John Hayes, let alone his lady, for the sake + of my long carcass. One or two of our gentlemen have been taken that way + already, because parents and guardians would not believe them.” + </p> + <p> + “AND WHAT BECAME OF THE POOR CHILDREN?” said Mrs. Hayes, who began to + perceive the gist of the argument, and to grow dreadfully frightened. + </p> + <p> + “Don't let's talk of them, ma'am: humanity shudthers at the thought!” And + herewith Mr. Macshane drew his finger across his throat in such a dreadful + way as to make the two parents tremble. “It's the way of war, madam, look + you. The service I have the honour to belong to is not paid by the Queen; + and so we're obliged to make our prisoners pay, according to established + military practice.” + </p> + <p> + No lawyer could have argued his case better than Mr. Macshane so far; and + he completely succeeded in convincing Mr. and Mrs. Hayes of the necessity + of ransoming their son. Promising that the young man should be restored to + them next morning, along with his beautiful lady, he courteously took + leave of the old couple, and made the best of his way back to Worcester + again. The elder Hayes wondered who the lady could be of whom the + ambassador had spoken, for their son's elopement was altogether unknown to + them; but anger or doubt about this subject was overwhelmed by their fears + for their darling John's safety. Away rode the gallant Macshane with the + money necessary to effect this; and it must be mentioned, as highly to his + credit, that he never once thought of appropriating the sum to himself, or + of deserting his comrades in any way. + </p> + <p> + His ride from Worcester had been a long one. He had left that city at + noon, but before his return thither the sun had gone down; and the + landscape, which had been dressed like a prodigal, in purple and gold, now + appeared like a Quaker, in dusky grey; and the trees by the road-side grew + black as undertakers or physicians, and, bending their solemn heads to + each other, whispered ominously among themselves; and the mists hung on + the common; and the cottage lights went out one by one; and the earth and + heaven grew black, but for some twinkling useless stars, which freckled + the ebon countenance of the latter; and the air grew colder; and about two + o'clock the moon appeared, a dismal pale-faced rake, walking solitary + through the deserted sky; and about four, mayhap, the Dawn (wretched + 'prentice-boy!) opened in the east the shutters of the Day:—in other + words, more than a dozen hours had passed. Corporal Brock had been + relieved by Mr. Redcap, the latter by Mr. Sicklop, the one-eyed gentleman; + Mrs. John Hayes, in spite of her sorrows and bashfulness, had followed the + example of her husband, and fallen asleep by his side—slept for many + hours—and awakened still under the guardianship of Mr. Brock's + troop; and all parties began anxiously to expect the return of the + ambassador, Mr. Macshane. + </p> + <p> + That officer, who had performed the first part of his journey with such + distinguished prudence and success, found the night, on his journey + homewards, was growing mighty cold and dark; and as he was thirsty and + hungry, had money in his purse, and saw no cause to hurry, he determined + to take refuge at an alehouse for the night, and to make for Worcester by + dawn the next morning. He accordingly alighted at the first inn on his + road, consigned his horse to the stable, and, entering the kitchen, called + for the best liquor in the house. + </p> + <p> + A small company was assembled at the inn, among whom Mr. Macshane took his + place with a great deal of dignity; and, having a considerable sum of + money in his pocket, felt a mighty contempt for his society, and soon let + them know the contempt he felt for them. After a third flagon of ale, he + discovered that the liquor was sour, and emptied, with much spluttering + and grimaces, the remainder of the beer into the fire. This process so + offended the parson of the parish (who in those good old times did not + disdain to take the post of honour in the chimney-nook), that he left his + corner, looking wrathfully at the offender; who without any more ado + instantly occupied it. It was a fine thing to hear the jingling of the + twenty pieces in his pocket, the oaths which he distributed between the + landlord, the guests, and the liquor—to remark the sprawl of his + mighty jack-boots, before the sweep of which the timid guests edged + farther and farther away; and the languishing leers which he cast on the + landlady, as with wide-spread arms he attempted to seize upon her. + </p> + <p> + When the ostler had done his duties in the stable, he entered the inn, and + whispered the landlord that “the stranger was riding John Hayes's horse:” + of which fact the host soon convinced himself, and did not fail to have + some suspicions of his guest. Had he not thought that times were unquiet, + horses might be sold, and one man's money was as good as another's, he + probably would have arrested the Ensign immediately, and so lost all the + profit of the score which the latter was causing every moment to be + enlarged. + </p> + <p> + In a couple of hours, with that happy facility which one may have often + remarked in men of the gallant Ensign's nation, he had managed to disgust + every one of the landlord's other guests, and scare them from the kitchen. + Frightened by his addresses, the landlady too had taken flight; and the + host was the only person left in the apartment; who there stayed for + interest's sake merely, and listened moodily to his tipsy guest's + conversation. In an hour more, the whole house was awakened by a violent + noise of howling, curses, and pots clattering to and fro. Forth issued + Mrs. Landlady in her night-gear, out came John Ostler with his pitchfork, + downstairs tumbled Mrs. Cook and one or two guests, and found the landlord + and ensign on the kitchen-floor—the wig of the latter lying, much + singed and emitting strange odours, in the fireplace, his face hideously + distorted, and a great quantity of his natural hair in the partial + occupation of the landlord; who had drawn it and the head down towards + him, in order that he might have the benefit of pummelling the latter more + at his ease. In revenge, the landlord was undermost, and the Ensign's arms + were working up and down his face and body like the flaps of a + paddle-wheel: the man of war had clearly the best of it. + </p> + <p> + The combatants were separated as soon as possible; but, as soon as the + excitement of the fight was over, Ensign Macshane was found to have no + further powers of speech, sense, or locomotion, and was carried by his + late antagonist to bed. His sword and pistols, which had been placed at + his side at the commencement of the evening, were carefully put by, and + his pocket visited. Twenty guineas in gold, a large knife—used, + probably, for the cutting of bread-and-cheese—some crumbs of those + delicacies and a paper of tobacco found in the breeches-pockets, and in + the bosom of the sky-blue coat, the leg of a cold fowl and half of a raw + onion, constituted his whole property. + </p> + <p> + These articles were not very suspicious; but the beating which the + landlord had received tended greatly to confirm his own and his wife's + doubts about their guest; and it was determined to send off in the early + morning to Mr. Hayes, informing him how a person had lain at their inn who + had ridden thither mounted upon young Hayes's horse. Off set John Ostler + at earliest dawn; but on his way he woke up Mr. Justice's clerk, and + communicated his suspicions to him; and Mr. Clerk consulted with the + village baker, who was always up early; and the clerk, the baker, the + butcher with his cleaver, and two gentlemen who were going to work, all + adjourned to the inn. + </p> + <p> + Accordingly, when Ensign Macshane was in a truckle-bed, plunged in that + deep slumber which only innocence and drunkenness enjoy in this world, and + charming the ears of morn by the regular and melodious music of his nose, + a vile plot was laid against him; and when about seven of the clock he + woke, he found, on sitting up in his bed, three gentlemen on each side of + it, armed, and looking ominous. One held a constable's staff, and albeit + unprovided with a warrant, would take upon himself the responsibility of + seizing Mr. Macshane and of carrying him before his worship at the hall. + </p> + <p> + “Taranouns, man!” said the Ensign, springing up in bed, and abruptly + breaking off a loud sonorous yawn, with which he had opened the business + of the day, “you won't deteen a gentleman who's on life and death? I give + ye my word, an affair of honour.” + </p> + <p> + “How came you by that there horse?” said the baker. + </p> + <p> + “How came you by these here fifteen guineas?” said the landlord, in whose + hands, by some process, five of the gold pieces had disappeared. + </p> + <p> + “What is this here idolatrous string of beads?” said the clerk. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Macshane, the fact is, was a Catholic, but did not care to own it: for + in those days his religion was not popular. + </p> + <p> + “Baids? Holy Mother of saints! give me back them baids,” said Mr. + Macshane, clasping his hands. “They were blest, I tell you, by his + holiness the po—psha! I mane they belong to a darling little + daughter I had that's in heaven now: and as for the money and the horse, I + should like to know how a gentleman is to travel in this counthry without + them.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you see, he may travel in the country to GIT 'em,” here shrewdly + remarked the constable; “and it's our belief that neither horse nor money + is honestly come by. If his worship is satisfied, why so, in course, shall + we be; but there is highwaymen abroad, look you; and, to our notion, you + have very much the cut of one.” + </p> + <p> + Further remonstrances or threats on the part of Mr. Macshane were useless. + Although he vowed that he was first cousin to the Duke of Leinster, an + officer in Her Majesty's service, and the dearest friend Lord Marlborough + had, his impudent captors would not believe a word of his statement + (which, further, was garnished with a tremendous number of oaths); and he + was, about eight o'clock, carried up to the house of Squire Ballance, the + neighbouring justice of the peace. + </p> + <p> + When the worthy magistrate asked the crime of which the prisoner had been + guilty, the captors looked somewhat puzzled for the moment; since, in + truth, it could not be shown that the Ensign had committed any crime at + all; and if he had confined himself to simple silence, and thrown upon + them the onus of proving his misdemeanours, Justice Ballance must have let + him loose, and soundly rated his clerk and the landlord for detaining an + honest gentleman on so frivolous a charge. + </p> + <p> + But this caution was not in the Ensign's disposition; and though his + accusers produced no satisfactory charge against him, his own words were + quite enough to show how suspicious his character was. When asked his + name, he gave it in as Captain Geraldine, on his way to Ireland, by + Bristol, on a visit to his cousin the Duke of Leinster. He swore solemnly + that his friends, the Duke of Marlborough and Lord Peterborough, under + both of whom he had served, should hear of the manner in which he had been + treated; and when the justice,—a sly old gentleman, and one that + read the Gazettes, asked him at what battles he had been present, the + gallant Ensign pitched on a couple in Spain and in Flanders, which had + been fought within a week of each other, and vowed that he had been + desperately wounded at both; so that, at the end of his examination, which + had been taken down by the clerk, he had been made to acknowledge as + follows:—Captain Geraldine, six feet four inches in height; thin, + with a very long red nose, and red hair; grey eyes, and speaks with a + strong Irish accent; is the first-cousin of the Duke of Leinster, and in + constant communication with him: does not know whether his Grace has any + children; does not know whereabouts he lives in London; cannot say what + sort of a looking man his Grace is: is acquainted with the Duke of + Marlborough, and served in the dragoons at the battle of Ramillies; at + which time he was with my Lord Peterborough before Barcelona. Borrowed the + horse which he rides from a friend in London, three weeks since. Peter + Hobbs, ostler, swears that it was in his master's stable four days ago, + and is the property of John Hayes, carpenter. Cannot account for the + fifteen guineas found on him by the landlord; says there were twenty; says + he won them at cards, a fortnight since, at Edinburgh; says he is riding + about the country for his amusement: afterwards says he is on a matter of + life and death, and going to Bristol; declared last night, in the hearing + of several witnesses, that he was going to York; says he is a man of + independent property, and has large estates in Ireland, and a hundred + thousand pounds in the Bank of England. Has no shirt or stockings, and the + coat he wears is marked “S.S.” In his boots is written “Thomas Rodgers,” + and in his hat is the name of the “Rev. Doctor Snoffler.” + </p> + <p> + Doctor Snoffler lived at Worcester, and had lately advertised in the Hue + and Cry a number of articles taken from his house. Mr. Macshane said, in + reply to this, that his hat had been changed at the inn, and he was ready + to take his oath that he came thither in a gold-laced one. But this fact + was disproved by the oaths of many persons who had seen him at the inn. + And he was about to be imprisoned for the thefts which he had not + committed (the fact about the hat being, that he had purchased it from a + gentleman at the “Three Rooks” for two pints of beer)—he was about + to be remanded, when, behold, Mrs. Hayes the elder made her appearance; + and to her it was that the Ensign was indebted for his freedom. + </p> + <p> + Old Hayes had gone to work before the ostler arrived; but when his wife + heard the lad's message, she instantly caused her pillion to be placed + behind the saddle, and mounting the grey horse, urged the stable-boy to + gallop as hard as ever he could to the justice's house. + </p> + <p> + She entered panting and alarmed. “Oh, what is your honour going to do to + this honest gentleman?” said she. “In the name of Heaven, let him go! His + time is precious—he has important business—business of life + and death.” + </p> + <p> + “I tould the jidge so,” said the Ensign, “but he refused to take my word—the + sacred wurrd of honour of Captain Geraldine.” + </p> + <p> + Macshane was good at a single lie, though easily flustered on an + examination; and this was a very creditable stratagem to acquaint Mrs. + Hayes with the name that he bore. + </p> + <p> + “What! you know Captain Geraldine?” said Mr. Ballance, who was perfectly + well acquainted with the carpenter's wife. + </p> + <p> + “In coorse she does. Hasn't she known me these tin years? Are we not + related? Didn't she give me the very horse which I rode, and, to make + belave, tould you I'd bought in London?” + </p> + <p> + “Let her tell her own story. Are you related to Captain Geraldine, Mrs. + Hayes?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes—oh, yes!” + </p> + <p> + “A very elegant connection! And you gave him the horse, did you, of your + own free-will?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes! of my own will—I would give him anything. Do, do, your + honour, let him go! His child is dying,” said the old lady, bursting into + tears. “It may be dead before he gets to—before he gets there. Oh, + your honour, your honour, pray, pray, don't detain him!” + </p> + <p> + The justice did not seem to understand this excessive sympathy on the part + of Mrs. Hayes; nor did the father himself appear to be nearly so affected + by his child's probable fate as the honest woman who interested herself + for him. On the contrary, when she made this passionate speech, Captain + Geraldine only grinned, and said, “Niver mind, my dear. If his honour will + keep an honest gentleman for doing nothing, why, let him—the law + must settle between us; and as for the child, poor thing, the Lord deliver + it!” + </p> + <p> + At this, Mrs. Hayes fell to entreating more loudly than ever; and as there + was really no charge against him, Mr. Ballance was constrained to let him + go. + </p> + <p> + The landlord and his friends were making off, rather confused, when Ensign + Macshane called upon the former in a thundering voice to stop, and refund + the five guineas which he had stolen from him. Again the host swore there + were but fifteen in his pocket. But when, on the Bible, the Ensign + solemnly vowed that he had twenty, and called upon Mrs. Hayes to say + whether yesterday, half-an-hour before he entered the inn, she had not + seen him with twenty guineas, and that lady expressed herself ready to + swear that she had, Mr. Landlord looked more crestfallen than ever, and + said that he had not counted the money when he took it; and though he did + in his soul believe that there were only fifteen guineas, rather than be + suspected of a shabby action, he would pay the five guineas out of his own + pocket: which he did, and with the Ensign's, or rather Mrs. Hayes's, own + coin. + </p> + <p> + As soon as they were out of the justice's house, Mr. Macshane, in the + fulness of his gratitude, could not help bestowing an embrace upon Mrs. + Hayes. And when she implored him to let her ride behind him to her darling + son, he yielded with a very good grace, and off the pair set on John + Hayes's grey. + </p> + <p> + “Who has Nosey brought with him now?” said Mr. Sicklop, Brock's one-eyed + confederate, who, about three hours after the above adventure, was lolling + in the yard of the “Three Rooks.” It was our Ensign, with the mother of + his captive. They had not met with any accident in their ride. + </p> + <p> + “I shall now have the shooprame bliss,” said Mr. Macshane, with much + feeling, as he lifted Mrs. Hayes from the saddle—-“the shooprame + bliss of intwining two harrts that are mead for one another. Ours, my + dear, is a dismal profession; but ah! don't moments like this make aminds + for years of pain? This way, my dear. Turn to your right, then to your + left—mind the stip—and the third door round the corner.” + </p> + <p> + All these precautions were attended to; and after giving his concerted + knock, Mr. Macshane was admitted into an apartment, which he entered + holding his gold pieces in the one hand, and a lady by the other. + </p> + <p> + We shall not describe the meeting which took place between mother and son. + The old lady wept copiously; the young man was really glad to see his + relative, for he deemed that his troubles were over. Mrs. Cat bit her + lips, and stood aside, looking somewhat foolish; Mr. Brock counted the + money; and Mr. Macshane took a large dose of strong waters, as a pleasing + solace for his labours, dangers, and fatigue. + </p> + <p> + When the maternal feelings were somewhat calmed, the old lady had leisure + to look about her, and really felt a kind of friendship and goodwill for + the company of thieves in which she found herself. It seemed to her that + they had conferred an actual favour on her, in robbing her of twenty + guineas, threatening her son's life, and finally letting him go. + </p> + <p> + “Who is that droll old gentleman?” said she; and being told that it was + Captain Wood, she dropped him a curtsey, and said, with much respect, + “Captain, your very humble servant;” which compliment Mr. Brock + acknowledged by a gracious smile and bow. “And who is this pretty young + lady?” continued Mrs. Hayes. + </p> + <p> + “Why—hum—oh—mother, you must give her your blessing. She + is Mrs. John Hayes.” And herewith Mr. Hayes brought forward his + interesting lady, to introduce her to his mamma. + </p> + <p> + The news did not at all please the old lady; who received Mrs. Catherine's + embrace with a very sour face indeed. However, the mischief was done; and + she was too glad to get back her son to be, on such an occasion, very + angry with him. So, after a proper rebuke, she told Mrs. John Hayes that + though she never approved of her son's attachment, and thought he married + below his condition, yet as the evil was done, it was their duty to make + the best of it; and she, for her part, would receive her into her house, + and make her as comfortable there as she could. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder whether she has any more money in that house?” whispered Mr. + Sicklop to Mr. Redcap; who, with the landlady, had come to the door of the + room, and had been amusing themselves by the contemplation of this + sentimental scene. + </p> + <p> + “What a fool that wild Hirishman was not to bleed her for more!” said the + landlady; “but he's a poor ignorant Papist. I'm sure my man” (this + gentleman had been hanged), “wouldn't have come away with such a beggarly + sum.” + </p> + <p> + “Suppose we have some more out of 'em?” said Mr. Redcap. “What prevents + us? We have got the old mare, and the colt too,—ha! ha!—and + the pair of 'em ought to be worth at least a hundred to us.” + </p> + <p> + This conversation was carried on sotto voce; and I don't know whether Mr. + Brock had any notion of the plot which was arranged by the three worthies. + The landlady began it. “Which punch, madam, will you take?” says she. “You + must have something for the good of the house, now you are in it.” + </p> + <p> + “In coorse,” said the Ensign. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly,” said the other three. But the old lady said she was anxious + to leave the place; and putting down a crown-piece, requested the hostess + to treat the gentlemen in her absence. “Good-bye, Captain,” said the old + lady. + </p> + <p> + “Ajew!” cried the Ensign, “and long life to you, my dear. You got me out + of a scrape at the justice's yonder; and, split me! but Insign Macshane + will remimber it as long as he lives.” + </p> + <p> + And now Hayes and the two ladies made for the door; but the landlady + placed herself against it, and Mr. Sicklop said, “No, no, my pretty + madams, you ain't a-going off so cheap as that neither; you are not going + out for a beggarly twenty guineas, look you,—we must have more.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hayes starting back, and cursing his fate, fairly burst into tears; + the two women screamed; and Mr. Brock looked as if the proposition both + amused and had been expected by him: but not so Ensign Macshane. + </p> + <p> + “Major!” said he, clawing fiercely hold of Brock's arms. + </p> + <p> + “Ensign,” said Mr. Brock, smiling. + </p> + <p> + “Arr we, or arr we not, men of honour?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, in coorse,” said Brock, laughing, and using Macshane's favourite + expression. + </p> + <p> + “If we ARR men of honour, we are bound to stick to our word; and, hark ye, + you dirty one-eyed scoundrel, if you don't immadiately make way for these + leedies, and this lily-livered young jontleman who's crying so, the Meejor + here and I will lug out and force you.” And so saying, he drew his great + sword and made a pass at Mr. Sicklop; which that gentleman avoided, and + which caused him and his companion to retreat from the door. The landlady + still kept her position at it, and with a storm of oaths against the + Ensign, and against two Englishmen who ran away from a wild Hirishman, + swore she would not budge a foot, and would stand there until her dying + day. + </p> + <p> + “Faith, then, needs must,” said the Ensign, and made a lunge at the + hostess, which passed so near the wretch's throat, that she screamed, sank + on her knees, and at last opened the door. + </p> + <p> + Down the stairs, then, with great state, Mr. Macshane led the elder lady, + the married couple following; and having seen them to the street, took an + affectionate farewell of the party, whom he vowed that he would come and + see. “You can walk the eighteen miles aisy, between this and nightfall,” + said he. + </p> + <p> + “WALK!” exclaimed Mr. Hayes. “Why, haven't we got Ball, and shall ride and + tie all the way?” + </p> + <p> + “Madam!” cried Macshane, in a stern voice, “honour before everything. Did + you not, in the presence of his worship, vow and declare that you gave me + that horse, and now d'ye talk of taking it back again? Let me tell you, + madam, that such paltry thricks ill become a person of your years and + respectability, and ought never to be played with Insign Timothy + Macshane.” + </p> + <p> + He waved his hat and strutted down the street; and Mrs. Catherine Hayes, + along with her bridegroom and mother-in-law, made the best of their way + homeward on foot. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. WHICH EMBRACES A PERIOD OF SEVEN YEARS. + </h2> + <p> + The recovery of so considerable a portion of his property from the + clutches of Brock was, as may be imagined, no trifling source of joy to + that excellent young man, Count Gustavus Adolphus de Galgenstein; and he + was often known to say, with much archness, and a proper feeling of + gratitude to the Fate which had ordained things so, that the robbery was, + in reality, one of the best things that could have happened to him: for, + in event of Mr. Brock's NOT stealing the money, his Excellency the Count + would have had to pay the whole to the Warwickshire Squire, who had won it + from him at play. He was enabled, in the present instance, to plead his + notorious poverty as an excuse; and the Warwickshire conqueror got off + with nothing, except a very badly written autograph of the Count's, simply + acknowledging the debt. + </p> + <p> + This point his Excellency conceded with the greatest candour; but (as, + doubtless, the reader may have remarked in the course of his experience) + to owe is not quite the same thing as to pay; and from the day of his + winning the money until the day of his death the Warwickshire Squire did + never, by any chance, touch a single bob, tizzy, tester, moidore, + maravedi, doubloon, tomaun, or rupee, of the sum which Monsieur de + Galgenstein had lost to him. + </p> + <p> + That young nobleman was, as Mr. Brock hinted in the little + autobiographical sketch which we gave in a former chapter, incarcerated + for a certain period, and for certain other debts, in the donjons of + Shrewsbury; but he released himself from them by that noble and + consolatory method of whitewashing which the law has provided for + gentlemen in his oppressed condition; and he had not been a week in + London, when he fell in with, and overcame, or put to flight, Captain + Wood, alias Brock, and immediately seized upon the remainder of his + property. After receiving this, the Count, with commendable discretion, + disappeared from England altogether for a while; nor are we at all + authorised to state that any of his debts to his tradesmen were + discharged, any more than his debts of honour, as they are pleasantly + called. + </p> + <p> + Having thus settled with his creditors, the gallant Count had interest + enough with some of the great folk to procure for himself a post abroad, + and was absent in Holland for some time. It was here that he became + acquainted with the lovely Madam Silverkoop, the widow of a deceased + gentleman of Leyden; and although the lady was not at that age at which + tender passions are usually inspired—being sixty—and though + she could not, like Mademoiselle Ninon de l'Enclos, then at Paris, boast + of charms which defied the progress of time,—for Mrs. Silverkoop was + as red as a boiled lobster, and as unwieldy as a porpoise; and although + her mental attractions did by no means make up for her personal + deficiencies,—for she was jealous, violent, vulgar, drunken, and + stingy to a miracle: yet her charms had an immediate effect on Monsieur de + Galgenstein; and hence, perhaps, the reader (the rogue! how well he knows + the world!) will be led to conclude that the honest widow was RICH. + </p> + <p> + Such, indeed, she was; and Count Gustavus, despising the difference + between his twenty quarterings and her twenty thousand pounds, laid the + most desperate siege to her, and finished by causing her to capitulate; as + I do believe, after a reasonable degree of pressing, any woman will do to + any man: such, at least, has been MY experience in the matter. + </p> + <p> + The Count then married; and it was curious to see how he—who, as we + have seen in the case of Mrs. Cat, had been as great a tiger and domestic + bully as any extant—now, by degrees, fell into a quiet submission + towards his enormous Countess; who ordered him up and down as a lady + orders her footman, who permitted him speedily not to have a will of his + own, and who did not allow him a shilling of her money without receiving + for the same an accurate account. + </p> + <p> + How was it that he, the abject slave of Madam Silverkoop, had been + victorious over Mrs. Cat? The first blow is, I believe, the decisive one + in these cases, and the Countess had stricken it a week after their + marriage;—establishing a supremacy which the Count never afterwards + attempted to question. + </p> + <p> + We have alluded to his Excellency's marriage, as in duty bound, because it + will be necessary to account for his appearance hereafter in a more + splendid fashion than that under which he has hitherto been known to us; + and just comforting the reader by the knowledge that the union, though + prosperous in a worldly point of view, was, in reality, extremely unhappy, + we must say no more from this time forth of the fat and legitimate Madam + de Galgenstein. Our darling is Mrs. Catherine, who had formerly acted in + her stead; and only in so much as the fat Countess did influence in any + way the destinies of our heroine, or those wise and virtuous persons who + have appeared and are to follow her to her end, shall we in any degree + allow her name to figure here. It is an awful thing to get a glimpse, as + one sometimes does, when the time is past, of some little little wheel + which works the whole mighty machinery of FATE, and see how our destinies + turn on a minute's delay or advance, or on the turning of a street, or on + somebody else's turning of a street, or on somebody else's doing of + something else in Downing Street or in Timbuctoo, now or a thousand years + ago. Thus, for instance, if Miss Poots, in the year 1695, had never been + the lovely inmate of a Spielhaus at Amsterdam, Mr. Van Silverkoop would + never have seen her; if the day had not been extraordinarily hot, the + worthy merchant would never have gone thither; if he had not been fond of + Rhenish wine and sugar, he never would have called for any such + delicacies; if he had not called for them, Miss Ottilia Poots would never + have brought them, and partaken of them; if he had not been rich, she + would certainly have rejected all the advances made to her by Silverkoop; + if he had not been so fond of Rhenish and sugar, he never would have died; + and Mrs. Silverkoop would have been neither rich nor a widow, nor a wife + to Count von Galgenstein. Nay, nor would this history have ever been + written; for if Count Galgenstein had not married the rich widow, Mrs. + Catherine would never have— + </p> + <p> + Oh, my dear madam! you thought we were going to tell you. Pooh! nonsense!—no + such thing! not for two or three and seventy pages or so,—when, + perhaps, you MAY know what Mrs. Catherine never would have done. + </p> + <p> + The reader will remember, in the second chapter of these Memoirs, the + announcement that Mrs. Catherine had given to the world a child, who might + bear, if he chose, the arms of Galgenstein, with the further adornment of + a bar-sinister. This child had been put out to nurse some time before its + mother's elopement from the Count; and as that nobleman was in funds at + the time (having had that success at play which we duly chronicled), he + paid a sum of no less than twenty guineas, which was to be the yearly + reward of the nurse into whose charge the boy was put. The woman grew fond + of the brat; and when, after the first year, she had no further news or + remittances from father or mother, she determined, for a while at least, + to maintain the infant at her own expense; for, when rebuked by her + neighbours on this score, she stoutly swore that no parents could ever + desert their children, and that some day or other she should not fail to + be rewarded for her trouble with this one. + </p> + <p> + Under this strange mental hallucination poor Goody Billings, who had five + children and a husband of her own, continued to give food and shelter to + little Tom for a period of no less than seven years; and though it must be + acknowledged that the young gentleman did not in the slightest degree + merit the kindnesses shown to him, Goody Billings, who was of a very soft + and pitiful disposition, continued to bestow them upon him: because, she + said, he was lonely and unprotected, and deserved them more than other + children who had fathers and mothers to look after them. If, then, any + difference was made between Tom's treatment and that of her own brood, it + was considerably in favour of the former; to whom the largest proportions + of treacle were allotted for his bread, and the handsomest supplies of + hasty pudding. Besides, to do Mrs. Billings justice, there WAS a party + against him; and that consisted not only of her husband and her five + children, but of every single person in the neighbourhood who had an + opportunity of seeing and becoming acquainted with Master Tom. + </p> + <p> + A celebrated philosopher—I think Miss Edgeworth—has broached + the consolatory doctrine, that in intellect and disposition all human + beings are entirely equal, and that circumstance and education are the + causes of the distinctions and divisions which afterwards unhappily take + place among them. Not to argue this question, which places Jack Howard and + Jack Thurtell on an exact level,—which would have us to believe that + Lord Melbourne is by natural gifts and excellences a man as honest, brave, + and far-sighted as the Duke of Wellington,—which would make out that + Lord Lyndhurst is, in point of principle, eloquence, and political + honesty, no better than Mr. O'Connell,—not, I say, arguing this + doctrine, let us simply state that Master Thomas Billings (for, having no + other, he took the name of the worthy people who adopted him) was in his + long-coats fearfully passionate, screaming and roaring perpetually, and + showing all the ill that he COULD show. At the age of two, when his + strength enabled him to toddle abroad, his favourite resort was the + coal-hole or the dung-heap: his roarings had not diminished in the least, + and he had added to his former virtues two new ones,—a love of + fighting and stealing; both which amiable qualities he had many + opportunities of exercising every day. He fought his little adoptive + brothers and sisters; he kicked and cuffed his father and mother; he + fought the cat, stamped upon the kittens, was worsted in a severe battle + with the hen in the backyard; but, in revenge, nearly beat a little + sucking-pig to death, whom he caught alone and rambling near his favourite + haunt, the dung-hill. As for stealing, he stole the eggs, which he + perforated and emptied; the butter, which he ate with or without bread, as + he could find it; the sugar, which he cunningly secreted in the leaves of + a “Baker's Chronicle,” that nobody in the establishment could read; and + thus from the pages of history he used to suck in all he knew—thieving + and lying namely; in which, for his years, he made wonderful progress. If + any followers of Miss Edgeworth and the philosophers are inclined to + disbelieve this statement, or to set it down as overcharged and distorted, + let them be assured that just this very picture was, of all the pictures + in the world, taken from nature. I, Ikey Solomons, once had a dear little + brother who could steal before he could walk (and this not from + encouragement,—for, if you know the world, you must know that in + families of our profession the point of honour is sacred at home,—but + from pure nature)—who could steal, I say, before he could walk, and + lie before he could speak; and who, at four and a half years of age, + having attacked my sister Rebecca on some question of lollipops, had + smitten her on the elbow with a fire-shovel, apologising to us by saying + simply, “—— her, I wish it had been her head!” Dear, dear + Aminadab! I think of you, and laugh these philosophers to scorn. Nature + made you for that career which you fulfilled: you were from your birth to + your dying a scoundrel; you COULDN'T have been anything else, however your + lot was cast; and blessed it was that you were born among the prigs,—for + had you been of any other profession, alas! alas! what ills might you have + done! As I have heard the author of “Richelieu,” “Siamese Twins,” etc. say + “Poeta nascitur non fit,” which means that though he had tried ever so + much to be a poet, it was all moonshine: in the like manner, I say, + “ROAGUS nascitur, non fit.” We have it from nature, and so a fig for Miss + Edgeworth. + </p> + <p> + In this manner, then, while his father, blessed with a wealthy wife, was + leading, in a fine house, the life of a galley-slave; while his mother, + married to Mr. Hayes, and made an honest women of, as the saying is, was + passing her time respectably in Warwickshire, Mr. Thomas Billings was + inhabiting the same county, not cared for by either of them; but ordained + by Fate to join them one day, and have a mighty influence upon the + fortunes of both. For, as it has often happened to the traveller in the + York or the Exeter coach to fall snugly asleep in his corner, and on + awaking suddenly to find himself sixty or seventy miles from the place + where Somnus first visited him: as, we say, although you sit still, Time, + poor wretch, keeps perpetually running on, and so must run day and night, + with never a pause or a halt of five minutes to get a drink, until his + dying day; let the reader imagine that since he left Mrs. Hayes and all + the other worthy personages of this history, in the last chapter, seven + years have sped away; during which, all our heroes and heroines have been + accomplishing their destinies. + </p> + <p> + Seven years of country carpentering, or rather trading, on the part of a + husband, of ceaseless scolding, violence, and discontent on the part of a + wife, are not pleasant to describe: so we shall omit altogether any + account of the early married life of Mr. and Mrs. John Hayes. The “Newgate + Calendar” (to which excellent compilation we and the OTHER popular + novelists of the day can never be sufficiently grateful) states that Hayes + left his house three or four times during this period, and, urged by the + restless humours of his wife, tried several professions: returning, + however, as he grew weary of each, to his wife and his paternal home. + After a certain time his parents died, and by their demise he succeeded to + a small property, and the carpentering business, which he for some time + followed. + </p> + <p> + What, then, in the meanwhile, had become of Captain Wood, or Brock, and + Ensign Macshane?—the only persons now to be accounted for in our + catalogue. For about six months after their capture and release of Mr. + Hayes, those noble gentlemen had followed, with much prudence and success, + that trade which the celebrated and polite Duval, the ingenious Sheppard, + the dauntless Turpin, and indeed many other heroes of our most popular + novels, had pursued,—or were pursuing, in their time. And so + considerable were said to be Captain Wood's gains, that reports were + abroad of his having somewhere a buried treasure; to which he might have + added more, had not Fate suddenly cut short his career as a prig. He and + the Ensign were—shame to say—transported for stealing three + pewter-pots off a railing at Exeter; and not being known in the town, + which they had only reached that morning, they were detained by no further + charges, but simply condemned on this one. For this misdemeanour, Her + Majesty's Government vindictively sent them for seven years beyond the + sea; and, as the fashion then was, sold the use of their bodies to + Virginian planters during that space of time. It is thus, alas! that the + strong are always used to deal with the weak, and many an honest fellow + has been led to rue his unfortunate difference with the law. + </p> + <p> + Thus, then, we have settled all scores. The Count is in Holland with his + wife; Mrs. Cat in Warwickshire along with her excellent husband; Master + Thomas Billings with his adoptive parents in the same county; and the two + military gentlemen watching the progress and cultivation of the tobacco + and cotton plant in the New World. All these things having passed between + the acts, dingaring-a-dingaring-a-dingledingleding, the drop draws up, and + the next act begins. By the way, the play ENDS with a drop: but that is + neither here nor there. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + (Here, as in a theatre, the orchestra is supposed to play something + melodious. The people get up, shake themselves, yawn, and settle down in + their seats again. “Porter, ale, ginger-beer, cider,” comes round, + squeezing through the legs of the gentlemen in the pit. Nobody takes + anything, as usual; and lo! the curtain rises again. “Sh, 'shsh, + 'shshshhh! Hats off!” says everybody.) + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes had now been for six years the adored wife of Mr. Hayes, and no + offspring had arisen to bless their loves and perpetuate their name. She + had obtained a complete mastery over her lord and master; and having had, + as far as was in that gentleman's power, every single wish gratified that + she could demand, in the way of dress, treats to Coventry and Birmingham, + drink, and what not—for, though a hard man, John Hayes had learned + to spend his money pretty freely on himself and her—having had all + her wishes gratified, it was natural that she should begin to find out + some more; and the next whim she hit upon was to be restored to her child. + It may be as well to state that she had never informed her husband of the + existence of that phenomenon, although he was aware of his wife's former + connection with the Count,—Mrs. Hayes, in their matrimonial + quarrels, invariably taunting him with accounts of her former splendour + and happiness, and with his own meanness of taste in condescending to take + up with his Excellency's leavings. + </p> + <p> + She determined, then (but as yet had not confided her determination to her + husband), she would have her boy; although in her seven years' residence + within twenty miles of him she had never once thought of seeing him: and + the kind reader knows that when his excellent lady determines on a thing—a + shawl, or an opera-box, or a new carriage, or twenty-four singing-lessons + from Tamburini, or a night at the “Eagle Tavern,” City Road, or a ride in + a 'bus to Richmond and tea and brandy-and-water at “Rose Cottage Hotel”—the + reader, high or low, knows that when Mrs. Reader desires a thing have it + she will; you may just as well talk of avoiding her as of avoiding gout, + bills, or grey hairs—and that, you know, is impossible. I, for my + part, have had all three—ay, and a wife too. + </p> + <p> + I say that when a woman is resolved on a thing, happen it will; if + husbands refuse, Fate will interfere (flectere si nequeo, etc.; but + quotations are odious). And some hidden power was working in the case of + Mrs. Hayes, and, for its own awful purposes, lending her its aid. + </p> + <p> + Who has not felt how he works—the dreadful conquering Spirit of Ill? + Who cannot see, in the circle of his own society, the fated and foredoomed + to woe and evil? Some call the doctrine of destiny a dark creed; but, for + me, I would fain try and think it a consolatory one. It is better, with + all one's sins upon one's head, to deem oneself in the hands of Fate, than + to think—with our fierce passions and weak repentances; with our + resolves so loud, so vain, so ludicrously, despicably weak and frail; with + our dim, wavering, wretched conceits about virtue, and our irresistible + propensity to wrong,—that we are the workers of our future sorrow or + happiness. If we depend on our strength, what is it against mighty + circumstance? If we look to ourselves, what hope have we? Look back at the + whole of your life, and see how Fate has mastered you and it. Think of + your disappointments and your successes. Has YOUR striving influenced one + or the other? A fit of indigestion puts itself between you and honours and + reputation; an apple plops on your nose and makes you a world's wonder and + glory; a fit of poverty makes a rascal of you, who were, and are still, an + honest man; clubs, trumps, or six lucky mains at dice, make an honest man + for life of you, who ever were, will be, and are a rascal. Who sends the + illness? who causes the apple to fall? who deprives you of your worldly + goods? or who shuffles the cards, and brings trumps, honour, virtue, and + prosperity back again? You call it chance; ay, and so it is chance that + when the floor gives way, and the rope stretches tight, the poor wretch + before St. Sepulchre's clock dies. Only with us, clear-sighted mortals as + we are, we can't SEE the rope by which we hang, and know not when or how + the drop may fall. + </p> + <p> + But revenons a nos moutons: let us return to that sweet lamb Master + Thomas, and the milk-white ewe Mrs. Cat. Seven years had passed away, and + she began to think that she should very much like to see her child once + more. It was written that she should; and you shall hear how, soon after, + without any great exertions of hers, back he came to her. + </p> + <p> + In the month of July, in the year 1715, there came down a road about ten + miles from the city of Worcester, two gentlemen; not mounted, + Templar-like, upon one horse, but having a horse between them—a + sorry bay, with a sorry saddle, and a large pack behind it; on which each + by turn took a ride. Of the two, one was a man of excessive stature, with + red hair, a very prominent nose, and a faded military dress; while the + other, an old weather-beaten, sober-looking personage, wore the costume of + a civilian—both man and dress appearing to have reached the + autumnal, or seedy state. However, the pair seemed, in spite of their + apparent poverty, to be passably merry. The old gentleman rode the horse; + and had, in the course of their journey, ridden him two miles at least in + every three. The tall one walked with immense strides by his side; and + seemed, indeed, as if he could have quickly outstripped the four-footed + animal, had he chosen to exert his speed, or had not affection for his + comrade retained him at his stirrup. + </p> + <p> + A short time previously the horse had cast a shoe; and this the tall man + on foot had gathered up, and was holding in his hand: it having been voted + that the first blacksmith to whose shop they should come should be called + upon to fit it again upon the bay horse. + </p> + <p> + “Do you remimber this counthry, Meejor?” said the tall man, who was + looking about him very much pleased, and sucking a flower. “I think thim + green cornfields is prettier looking at than the d——- tobacky + out yondther, and bad lack to it!” + </p> + <p> + “I recollect the place right well, and some queer pranks we played here + seven years agone,” responded the gentleman addressed as Major. “You + remember that man and his wife, whom we took in pawn at the 'Three + Rooks'?” + </p> + <p> + “And the landlady only hung last Michaelmas?” said the tall man, + parenthetically. + </p> + <p> + “Hang the landlady!—we've got all we ever would out of HER, you + know. But about the man and woman. You went after the chap's mother, and, + like a jackass, as you are, let him loose. Well, the woman was that + Catherine that you've often heard me talk about. I like the wench, —— + her, for I almost brought her up; and she was for a year or two along with + that scoundrel Galgenstein, who has been the cause of my ruin.” + </p> + <p> + “The infernal blackguard and ruffian!” said the tall man; who, with his + companion, has no doubt been recognised by the reader. + </p> + <p> + “Well, this Catherine had a child by Galgenstein; and somewhere here hard + by the woman lived to whom we carried the brat to nurse. She was the wife + of a blacksmith, one Billings: it won't be out of the way to get our horse + shod at his house, if he is alive still, and we may learn something about + the little beast. I should be glad to see the mother well enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Do I remimber her?” said the Ensign. “Do I remimber whisky? Sure I do, + and the snivelling sneak her husband, and the stout old lady her + mother-in-law, and the dirty one-eyed ruffian who sold me the parson's hat + that had so nearly brought me into trouble. Oh but it was a rare rise we + got out of them chaps, and the old landlady that's hanged too!” And here + both Ensign Macshane and Major Brock, or Wood, grinned, and showed much + satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + It will be necessary to explain the reason of it. We gave the British + public to understand that the landlady of the “Three Rooks,” at Worcester, + was a notorious fence, or banker of thieves; that is, a purchaser of their + merchandise. In her hands Mr. Brock and his companion had left property to + the amount of sixty or seventy pounds, which was secreted in a cunning + recess in a chamber of the “Three Rooks” known only to the landlady and + the gentlemen who banked with her; and in this place, Mr. Sicklop, the + one-eyed man who had joined in the Hayes adventure, his comrade, and one + or two of the topping prigs of the county, were free. Mr. Sicklop had been + shot dead in a night attack near Bath: the landlady had been suddenly + hanged, as an accomplice in another case of robbery; and when, on their + return from Virginia, our two heroes, whose hopes of livelihood depended + upon it, had bent their steps towards Worcester, they were not a little + frightened to hear of the cruel fate of the hostess and many of the + amiable frequenters of the “Three Rooks.” All the goodly company were + separated; the house was no longer an inn. Was the money gone too? At + least it was worth while to look—which Messrs. Brock and Macshane + determined to do. + </p> + <p> + The house being now a private one, Mr. Brock, with a genius that was above + his station, visited its owner, with a huge portfolio under his arm, and, + in the character of a painter, requested permission to take a particular + sketch from a particular window. The Ensign followed with the artist's + materials (consisting simply of a screwdriver and a crowbar); and it is + hardly necessary to say that, when admission was granted to them, they + opened the well-known door, and to their inexpressible satisfaction + discovered, not their own peculiar savings exactly, for these had been + appropriated instantly, on hearing of their transportation, but stores of + money and goods to the amount of near three hundred pounds: to which Mr. + Macshane said they had as just and honourable a right as anybody else. And + so they had as just a right as anybody—except the original owners: + but who was to discover them? + </p> + <p> + With this booty they set out on their journey—anywhere, for they + knew not whither; and it so chanced that when their horse's shoe came off, + they were within a few furlongs of the cottage of Mr. Billings, the + blacksmith. As they came near, they were saluted by tremendous roars + issuing from the smithy. A small boy was held across the bellows, two or + three children of smaller and larger growth were holding him down, and + many others of the village were gazing in at the window, while a man, + half-naked, was lashing the little boy with a whip, and occasioning the + cries heard by the travellers. As the horse drew up, the operator looked + at the new-comers for a moment, and then proceeded incontinently with his + work; belabouring the child more fiercely than ever. + </p> + <p> + When he had done, he turned round to the new-comers and asked how he could + serve them? whereupon Mr. Wood (for such was the name he adopted, and by + such we shall call him to the end) wittily remarked that however he might + wish to serve THEM, he seemed mightily inclined to serve that young + gentleman first. + </p> + <p> + “It's no joking matter,” said the blacksmith: “if I don't serve him so + now, he'll be worse off in his old age. He'll come to the gallows, as sure + as his name is Bill—-never mind what his name is.” And so saying, he + gave the urchin another cut; which elicited, of course, another scream. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! his name is Bill?” said Captain Wood. + </p> + <p> + “His name's NOT Bill!” said the blacksmith, sulkily. “He's no name; and no + heart, neither. My wife took the brat in, seven years ago, from a beggarly + French chap to nurse, and she kept him, for she was a good soul” (here his + eyes began to wink), “and she's—she's gone now” (here he began + fairly to blubber). “And d—- him, out of love for her, I kept him + too, and the scoundrel is a liar and a thief. This blessed day, merely to + vex me and my boys here, he spoke ill of her, he did, and I'll—cut—his—life—out—I—will!” + and with each word honest Mulciber applied a whack on the body of little + Tom Billings; who, by shrill shrieks, and oaths in treble, acknowledged + the receipt of the blows. + </p> + <p> + “Come, come,” said Mr. Wood, “set the boy down, and the bellows a-going; + my horse wants shoeing, and the poor lad has had strapping enough.” + </p> + <p> + The blacksmith obeyed, and cast poor Master Thomas loose. As he staggered + away and looked back at his tormentor, his countenance assumed an + expression which made Mr. Wood say, grasping hold of Macshane's arm, “It's + the boy, it's the boy! When his mother gave Galgenstein the laudanum, she + had the self-same look with her!” + </p> + <p> + “Had she really now?” said Mr. Macshane. “And pree, Meejor, who WAS his + mother?” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Cat, you fool!” answered Wood. + </p> + <p> + “Then, upon my secred word of honour, she has a mighty fine KITTEN anyhow, + my dear. Aha!” + </p> + <p> + “They don't DROWN such kittens,” said Mr. Wood, archly; and Macshane, + taking the allusion, clapped his finger to his nose in token of perfect + approbation of his commander's sentiment. + </p> + <p> + While the blacksmith was shoeing the horse, Mr. Wood asked him many + questions concerning the lad whom he had just been chastising, and + succeeded, beyond a doubt, in establishing his identity with the child + whom Catherine Hall had brought into the world seven years since. Billings + told him of all the virtues of his wife, and the manifold crimes of the + lad: how he stole, and fought, and lied, and swore; and though the + youngest under his roof, exercised the most baneful influence over all the + rest of his family. He was determined at last, he said, to put him to the + parish, for he did not dare to keep him. + </p> + <p> + “He's a fine whelp, and would fetch ten pieces in Virginny,” sighed the + Ensign. + </p> + <p> + “Crimp, of Bristol, would give five for him,” said Mr. Wood, ruminating. + </p> + <p> + “Why not take him?” said the Ensign. + </p> + <p> + “Faith, why not?” said Mr. Wood. “His keep, meanwhile, will not be + sixpence a day.” Then turning round to the blacksmith, “Mr. Billings,” + said he, “you will be surprised, perhaps, to hear that I know everything + regarding that poor lad's history. His mother was an unfortunate lady of + high family, now no more; his father a German nobleman, Count de + Galgenstein by name.” + </p> + <p> + “The very man!” said Billings: “a young, fair-haired man, who came here + with the child, and a dragoon sergeant.” + </p> + <p> + “Count de Galgenstein by name, who, on the point of death, recommended the + infant to me.” + </p> + <p> + “And did he pay you seven years' boarding?” said Mr. Billings, who was + quite alive at the very idea. + </p> + <p> + “Alas, sir, not a jot! He died, sir, six hundred pounds in my debt; didn't + he, Ensign?” + </p> + <p> + “Six hundred, upon my secred honour! I remember when he got into the house + along with the poli—” + </p> + <p> + “Psha! what matters it?” here broke out Mr. Wood, looking fiercely at the + Ensign. “Six hundred pounds he owes me: how was he to pay you? But he told + me to take charge of this boy, if I found him; and found him I have, and + WILL take charge of him, if you will hand him over.” + </p> + <p> + “Send our Tom!” cried Billings. And when that youth appeared, scowling, + and yet trembling, and prepared, as it seemed, for another castigation, + his father, to his surprise, asked him if he was willing to go along with + those gentlemen, or whether he would be a good lad and stay with him. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tom replied immediately, “I won't be a good lad, and I'd rather go to + —— than stay with you!” + </p> + <p> + “Will you leave your brothers and sisters?” said Billings, looking very + dismal. + </p> + <p> + “Hang my brothers and sisters—I hate 'em; and, besides, I haven't + got any!” + </p> + <p> + “But you had a good mother, hadn't you, Tom?” + </p> + <p> + Tom paused for a moment. + </p> + <p> + “Mother's gone,” said he, “and you flog me, and I'll go with these men.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, go thy ways,” said Billings, starting up in a passion: “go + thy ways for a graceless reprobate; and if this gentleman will take you, + he may do so.” + </p> + <p> + After some further parley, the conversation ended, and the next morning + Mr. Wood's party consisted of three: a little boy being mounted upon the + bay horse, in addition to the Ensign or himself; and the whole company + went journeying towards Bristol. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + We have said that Mrs. Hayes had, on a sudden, taken a fit of maternal + affection, and was bent upon being restored to her child; and that benign + destiny which watched over the life of this lucky lady instantly set about + gratifying her wish, and, without cost to herself of coach-hire or + saddle-horse, sent the young gentleman very quickly to her arms. The + village in which the Hayeses dwelt was but a very few miles out of the + road from Bristol; whither, on the benevolent mission above, hinted at, + our party of worthies were bound: and coming, towards the afternoon, in + sight of the house of that very Justice Ballance who had been so nearly + the ruin of Ensign Macshane, that officer narrated, for the hundredth + time, and with much glee, the circumstances which had then befallen him, + and the manner in which Mrs. Hayes the elder had come forward to his + rescue. + </p> + <p> + “Suppose we go and see the old girl?” suggested Mr. Wood. “No harm can + come to us now.” And his comrade always assenting, they wound their way + towards the village, and reached it as the evening came on. In the + public-house where they rested, Wood made inquiries concerning the Hayes + family; was informed of the death of the old couple, of the establishment + of John Hayes and his wife in their place, and of the kind of life that + these latter led together. When all these points had been imparted to him, + he ruminated much: an expression of sublime triumph and exultation at + length lighted up his features. “I think, Tim,” said he at last, “that we + can make more than five pieces of that boy.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, in coorse!” said Timothy Macshane, Esquire; who always agreed with + his “Meejor.” + </p> + <p> + “In coorse, you fool! and how? I'll tell you how. This Hayes is well to do + in the world, and—” + </p> + <p> + “And we'll nab him again—ha, ha!” roared out Macshane. “By my secred + honour, Meejor, there never was a gineral like you at a strathyjam!” + </p> + <p> + “Peace, you bellowing donkey, and don't wake the child. The man is well to + do, his wife rules him, and they have no children. Now, either she will be + very glad to have the boy back again, and pay for the finding of him, or + else she has said nothing about him, and will pay us for being silent too: + or, at any rate, Hayes himself will be ashamed at finding his wife the + mother of a child a year older than his marriage, and will pay for the + keeping of the brat away. There's profit, my dear, in any one of the + cases, or my name's not Peter Brock.” + </p> + <p> + When the Ensign understood this wondrous argument, he would fain have + fallen on his knees and worshipped his friend and guide. They began + operations, almost immediately, by an attack on Mrs. Hayes. On hearing, as + she did in private interview with the ex-corporal the next morning, that + her son was found, she was agitated by both of the passions which Wood + attributed to her. She longed to have the boy back, and would give any + reasonable sum to see him; but she dreaded exposure, and would pay equally + to avoid that. How could she gain the one point and escape the other? + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes hit upon an expedient which, I am given to understand, is not + uncommon nowadays. She suddenly discovered that she had a dear brother, + who had been obliged to fly the country in consequence of having joined + the Pretender, and had died in France, leaving behind him an only son. + This boy her brother had, with his last breath, recommended to her + protection, and had confided him to the charge of a brother officer who + was now in the country, and would speedily make his appearance; and, to + put the story beyond a doubt, Mr. Wood wrote the letter from her brother + stating all these particulars, and Ensign Macshane received full + instructions how to perform the part of the “brother officer.” What + consideration Mr. Wood received for his services, we cannot say; only it + is well known that Mr. Hayes caused to be committed to gaol a young + apprentice in his service, charged with having broken open a cupboard in + which Mr. Hayes had forty guineas in gold and silver, and to which none + but he and his wife had access. + </p> + <p> + Having made these arrangements, the Corporal and his little party decamped + to a short distance, and Mrs. Catherine was left to prepare her husband + for a speedy addition to his family, in the shape of this darling nephew. + John Hayes received the news with anything but pleasure. He had never + heard of any brother of Catherine's; she had been bred at the workhouse, + and nobody ever hinted that she had relatives: but it is easy for a lady + of moderate genius to invent circumstances; and with lies, tears, threats, + coaxings, oaths, and other blandishments, she compelled him to submit. + </p> + <p> + Two days afterwards, as Mr. Hayes was working in his shop with his lady + seated beside him, the trampling of a horse was heard in his courtyard, + and a gentleman, of huge stature, descended from it, and strode into the + shop. His figure was wrapped in a large cloak; but Mr. Hayes could not + help fancying that he had somewhere seen his face before. + </p> + <p> + “This, I preshoom,” said the gentleman, “is Misther Hayes, that I have + come so many miles to see, and this is his amiable lady? I was the most + intimate frind, madam, of your laminted brother, who died in King Lewis's + service, and whose last touching letthers I despatched to you two days + ago. I have with me a further precious token of my dear friend, Captain + Hall—it is HERE.” + </p> + <p> + And so saying, the military gentleman, with one arm, removed his cloak, + and stretching forward the other into Hayes's face almost, stretched + likewise forward a little boy, grinning and sprawling in the air, and + prevented only from falling to the ground by the hold which the Ensign + kept of the waistband of his little coat and breeches. + </p> + <p> + “Isn't he a pretty boy?” said Mrs. Hayes, sidling up to her husband + tenderly, and pressing one of Mr. Hayes's hands. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + About the lad's beauty it is needless to say what the carpenter thought; + but that night, and for many many nights after, the lad stayed at Mr. + Hayes's. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. ENUMERATES THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF MASTER THOMAS BILLINGS—INTRODUCES + BROCK AS DOCTOR WOOD—AND ANNOUNCES THE EXECUTION OF ENSIGN MACSHANE. + </h2> + <p> + We are obliged, in recording this history, to follow accurately that great + authority, the “Calendarium Newgaticum Roagorumque Registerium,” of which + every lover of literature, in the present day knows the value; and as that + remarkable work totally discards all the unities in its narratives, and + reckons the life of its heroes only by their actions, and not by periods + of time, we must follow in the wake of this mighty ark—a humble + cock-boat. When it pauses, we pause; when it runs ten knots an hour, we + run with the same celerity; and as, in order to carry the reader from the + penultimate chapter of this work unto the last chapter, we were compelled + to make him leap over a gap of seven blank years, ten years more must + likewise be granted to us before we are at liberty to resume our history. + </p> + <p> + During that period, Master Thomas Billings had been under the especial + care of his mother; and, as may be imagined, he rather increased than + diminished the accomplishments for which he had been remarkable while + under the roof of his foster-father. And with this advantage, that while + at the blacksmith's, and only three or four years of age, his virtues were + necessarily appreciated only in his family circle and among those few + acquaintances of his own time of life whom a youth of three can be + expected to meet in the alleys or over the gutters of a small country + hamlet,—in his mothers residence, his circle extended with his own + growth, and he began to give proofs of those powers of which in infancy + there had been only encouraging indications. Thus it was nowise remarkable + that a child of four years should not know his letters, and should have + had a great disinclination to learn them; but when a young man of fifteen + showed the same creditable ignorance, the same undeviating dislike, it was + easy to see that he possessed much resolution and perseverance. When it + was remarked, too, that, in case of any difference, he not only beat the + usher, but by no means disdained to torment and bully the very smallest + boys of the school, it was easy to see that his mind was comprehensive and + careful, as well as courageous and grasping. As it was said of the Duke of + Wellington, in the Peninsula, that he had a thought for everybody—from + Lord Hill to the smallest drummer in the army—in like manner Tom + Billings bestowed HIS attention on high and low; but in the shape of + blows: he would fight the strongest and kick the smallest, and was always + at work with one or the other. At thirteen, when he was removed from the + establishment whither he had been sent, he was the cock of the school out + of doors, and the very last boy in. He used to let the little boys and + new-comers pass him by, and laugh; but he always belaboured them + unmercifully afterwards; and then it was, he said, HIS turn to laugh. With + such a pugnacious turn, Tom Billings ought to have been made a soldier, + and might have died a marshal; but, by an unlucky ordinance of fate, he + was made a tailor, and died a—never mind what for the present; + suffice it to say, that he was suddenly cut off, at a very early period of + his existence, by a disease which has exercised considerable ravages among + the British youth. + </p> + <p> + By consulting the authority above mentioned, we find that Hayes did not + confine himself to the profession of a carpenter, or remain long + established in the country; but was induced, by the eager spirit of Mrs. + Catherine most probably, to try his fortune in the metropolis; where he + lived, flourished, and died. Oxford Road, Saint Giles's, and Tottenham + Court were, at various periods of his residence in town, inhabited by him. + At one place he carried on the business of greengrocer and small-coalman; + in another, he was carpenter, undertaker, and lender of money to the poor; + finally, he was a lodging-house keeper in the Oxford or Tyburn Road; but + continued to exercise the last-named charitable profession. + </p> + <p> + Lending as he did upon pledges, and carrying on a pretty large trade, it + was not for him, of course, to inquire into the pedigree of all the pieces + of plate, the bales of cloth, swords, watches, wigs, shoe-buckles, etc. + that were confided by his friends to his keeping; but it is clear that his + friends had the requisite confidence in him, and that he enjoyed the + esteem of a class of characters who still live in history, and are admired + unto this very day. The mind loves to think that, perhaps, in Mr. Hayes's + back parlour the gallant Turpin might have hob-and-nobbed with Mrs. + Catherine; that here, perhaps, the noble Sheppard might have cracked his + joke, or quaffed his pint of rum. Who knows but that Macheath and Paul + Clifford may have crossed legs under Hayes's dinner-table? But why pause + to speculate on things that might have been? why desert reality for fond + imagination, or call up from their honoured graves the sacred dead? I know + not: and yet, in sooth, I can never pass Cumberland Gate without a sigh, + as I think of the gallant cavaliers who traversed that road in old time. + Pious priests accompanied their triumphs; their chariots were surrounded + by hosts of glittering javelin-men. As the slave at the car of the Roman + conqueror shouted, “Remember thou art mortal!”, before the eyes of the + British warrior rode the undertaker and his coffin, telling him that he + too must die! Mark well the spot! A hundred years ago Albion Street (where + comic Power dwelt, Milesia's darling son)—Albion Street was a + desert. The square of Connaught was without its penultimate, and, strictly + speaking, NAUGHT. The Edgware Road was then a road, 'tis true; with + tinkling waggons passing now and then, and fragrant walls of snowy + hawthorn blossoms. The ploughman whistled over Nutford Place; down the + green solitudes of Sovereign Street the merry milkmaid led the lowing + kine. Here, then, in the midst of green fields and sweet air—before + ever omnibuses were, and when Pineapple Turnpike and Terrace were alike + unknown—here stood Tyburn: and on the road towards it, perhaps to + enjoy the prospect, stood, in the year 1725, the habitation of Mr. John + Hayes. + </p> + <p> + One fine morning in the year 1725, Mrs. Hayes, who had been abroad in her + best hat and riding-hood; Mr. Hayes, who for a wonder had accompanied her; + and Mrs. Springatt, a lodger, who for a remuneration had the honour of + sharing Mrs. Hayes's friendship and table: all returned, smiling and rosy, + at about half-past ten o'clock, from a walk which they had taken to + Bayswater. Many thousands of people were likewise seen flocking down the + Oxford Road; and you would rather have thought, from the smartness of + their appearance and the pleasure depicted in their countenances, that + they were just issuing from a sermon, than quitting the ceremony which + they had been to attend. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that they had just been to see a gentleman hanged,—a + cheap pleasure, which the Hayes family never denied themselves; and they + returned home with a good appetite to breakfast, braced by the walk, and + tickled into hunger, as it were, by the spectacle. I can recollect, when I + was a gyp at Cambridge, that the “men” used to have breakfast-parties for + the very same purpose; and the exhibition of the morning acted infallibly + upon the stomach, and caused the young students to eat with much voracity. + </p> + <p> + Well, Mrs. Catherine, a handsome, well-dressed, plump, rosy woman of three + or four and thirty (and when, my dear, is a woman handsomer than at that + age?), came in quite merrily from her walk, and entered the back-parlour, + which looked into a pleasant yard, or garden, whereon the sun was shining + very gaily; and where, at a table covered with a nice white cloth, laid + out with some silver mugs, too, and knives, all with different crests and + patterns, sat an old gentleman reading in an old book. + </p> + <p> + “Here we are at last, Doctor,” said Mrs. Hayes, “and here's his speech.” + She produced the little halfpenny tract, which to this day is sold at the + gallows-foot upon the death of every offender. “I've seen a many men + turned off, to be sure; but I never did see one who bore it more like a + man than he did.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear,” said the gentleman addressed as Doctor, “he was as cool and as + brave as steel, and no more minded hanging than tooth-drawing.” + </p> + <p> + “It was the drink that ruined him,” said Mrs. Cat. + </p> + <p> + “Drink, and bad company. I warned him, my dear,—I warned him years + ago: and directly he got into Wild's gang, I knew that he had not a year + to run. Ah, why, my love, will men continue such dangerous courses,” + continued the Doctor, with a sigh, “and jeopardy their lives for a + miserable watch or a snuff-box, of which Mr. Wild takes three-fourths of + the produce? But here comes the breakfast; and, egad, I am as hungry as a + lad of twenty.” + </p> + <p> + Indeed, at this moment Mrs. Hayes's servant appeared with a smoking dish + of bacon and greens; and Mr. Hayes himself ascended from the cellar (of + which he kept the key), bearing with him a tolerably large jug of + small-beer. To this repast the Doctor, Mrs. Springatt (the other lodger), + and Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, proceeded with great alacrity. A fifth cover was + laid, but not used; the company remarking that “Tom had very likely found + some acquaintances at Tyburn, with whom he might choose to pass the + morning.” + </p> + <p> + Tom was Master Thomas Billings, now of the age of sixteen: slim, smart, + five feet ten inches in height, handsome, sallow in complexion, black-eyed + and black-haired. Mr. Billings was apprentice to a tailor, of tolerable + practice, who was to take him into partnership at the end of his term. It + was supposed, and with reason, that Tom would not fail to make a fortune + in this business; of which the present head was one Beinkleider, a German. + Beinkleider was skilful in his trade (after the manner of his nation, + which in breeches and metaphysics—in inexpressibles and + incomprehensibles—may instruct all Europe), but too fond of his + pleasure. Some promissory notes of his had found their way into Hayes's + hands, and had given him the means not only of providing Master Billings + with a cheap apprenticeship, and a cheap partnership afterwards; but would + empower him, in one or two years after the young partner had joined the + firm, to eject the old one altogether. So that there was every prospect + that, when Mr. Billings was twenty-one years of age, poor Beinkleider + would have to act, not as his master, but his journeyman. + </p> + <p> + Tom was a very precocious youth; was supplied by a doting mother with + plenty of pocket-money, and spent it with a number of lively companions of + both sexes, at plays, bull-baitings, fairs, jolly parties on the river, + and such-like innocent amusements. He could throw a main, too, as well as + his elders; had pinked his man, in a row at Madam King's in the Piazza; + and was much respected at the Roundhouse. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hayes was not very fond of this promising young gentleman; indeed, he + had the baseness to bear malice, because, in a quarrel which occurred + about two years previously, he, Hayes, being desirous to chastise Mr. + Billings, had found himself not only quite incompetent, but actually at + the mercy of the boy; who struck him over the head with a joint-stool, + felled him to the ground, and swore he would have his life. The Doctor, + who was then also a lodger at Mr. Hayes's, interposed, and restored the + combatants, not to friendship, but to peace. Hayes never afterwards + attempted to lift his hand to the young man, but contented himself with + hating him profoundly. In this sentiment Mr. Billings participated + cordially; and, quite unlike Mr. Hayes, who never dared to show his + dislike, used on every occasion when they met, by actions, looks, words, + sneers, and curses, to let his stepfather know the opinion which he had of + him. Why did not Hayes discard the boy altogether? Because, if he did so, + he was really afraid of his life, and because he trembled before Mrs. + Hayes, his lady, as the leaf trembles before the tempest in October. His + breath was not his own, but hers; his money, too, had been chiefly of her + getting,—for though he was as stingy and mean as mortal man can be, + and so likely to save much, he had not the genius for GETTING which Mrs. + Hayes possessed. She kept his books (for she had learned to read and write + by this time), she made his bargains, and she directed the operations of + the poor-spirited little capitalist. When bills became due, and debtors + pressed for time, then she brought Hayes's own professional merits into + play. The man was as deaf and cold as a rock; never did poor tradesmen + gain a penny from him; never were the bailiffs delayed one single minute + from their prey. The Beinkleider business, for instance, showed pretty + well the genius of the two. Hayes was for closing with him at once; but + his wife saw the vast profits which might be drawn out of him, and + arranged the apprenticeship and the partnership before alluded to. The + woman heartily scorned and spit upon her husband, who fawned upon her like + a spaniel. She loved good cheer; she did not want for a certain kind of + generosity. The only feeling that Hayes had for anyone except himself was + for his wife, whom he held in a cowardly awe and attachment: he liked + drink, too, which made him chirping and merry, and accepted willingly any + treats that his acquaintances might offer him; but he would suffer agonies + when his wife brought or ordered from the cellar a bottle of wine. + </p> + <p> + And now for the Doctor. He was about seventy years of age. He had been + much abroad; he was of a sober, cheerful aspect; he dressed handsomely and + quietly in a broad hat and cassock; but saw no company except the few + friends whom he met at the coffee-house. He had an income of about one + hundred pounds, which he promised to leave to young Billings. He was + amused with the lad, and fond of his mother, and had boarded with them for + some years past. The Doctor, in fact, was our old friend Corporal Brock, + the Reverend Doctor Wood now, as he had been Major Wood fifteen years + back. + </p> + <p> + Anyone who has read the former part of this history must have seen that we + have spoken throughout with invariable respect of Mr. Brock; and that in + every circumstance in which he has appeared, he has acted not only with + prudence, but often with genius. The early obstacle to Mr. Brock's success + was want of conduct simply. Drink, women, play—how many a brave + fellow have they ruined!—had pulled Brock down as often as his merit + had carried him up. When a man's passion for play has brought him to be a + scoundrel, it at once ceases to be hurtful to him in a worldly point of + view; he cheats, and wins. It is only for the idle and luxurious that + women retain their fascinations to a very late period; and Brock's + passions had been whipped out of him in Virginia; where much ill-health, + ill-treatment, hard labour, and hard food, speedily put an end to them. He + forgot there even how to drink; rum or wine made this poor declining + gentleman so ill that he could indulge in them no longer; and so his three + vices were cured. + </p> + <p> + Had he been ambitious, there is little doubt but that Mr. Brock, on his + return from transportation, might have risen in the world; but he was old + and a philosopher: he did not care about rising. Living was cheaper in + those days, and interest for money higher: when he had amassed about six + hundred pounds, he purchased an annuity of seventy-two pounds, and gave + out—why should he not?—that he had the capital as well as the + interest. After leaving the Hayes family in the country, he found them + again in London: he took up his abode with them, and was attached to the + mother and the son. Do you suppose that rascals have not affections like + other people? hearts, madam—ay, hearts—and family ties which + they cherish? As the Doctor lived on with this charming family he began to + regret that he had sunk all his money in annuities, and could not, as he + repeatedly vowed he would, leave his savings to his adopted children. + </p> + <p> + He felt an indescribable pleasure (“suave mari magno,” etc.) in watching + the storms and tempests of the Hayes menage. He used to encourage Mrs. + Catherine into anger when, haply, that lady's fits of calm would last too + long; he used to warm up the disputes between wife and husband, mother and + son, and enjoy them beyond expression: they served him for daily + amusement; and he used to laugh until the tears ran down his venerable + cheeks at the accounts which young Tom continually brought him of his + pranks abroad, among watchmen and constables, at taverns or elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + When, therefore, as the party were discussing their bacon and cabbage, + before which the Reverend Doctor with much gravity said grace, Master Tom + entered. Doctor Wood, who had before been rather gloomy, immediately + brightened up, and made a place for Billings between himself and Mrs. + Catherine. + </p> + <p> + “How do, old cock?” said that young gentleman familiarly. “How goes it, + mother?” And so saying, he seized eagerly upon the jug of beer which Mr. + Hayes had drawn, and from which the latter was about to help himself, and + poured down his throat exactly one quart. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” said Mr. Billings, drawing breath after a draught which he had + learned accurately to gauge from the habit of drinking out of pewter + measures which held precisely that quantity.—“Ah!” said Mr. + Billings, drawing breath, and wiping his mouth with his sleeves, “this is + very thin stuff, old Squaretoes; but my coppers have been red-hot since + last night, and they wanted a sluicing.” + </p> + <p> + “Should you like some ale, dear?” said Mrs. Hayes, that fond and judicious + parent. + </p> + <p> + “A quart of brandy, Tom?” said Doctor Wood. “Your papa will run down to + the cellar for it in a minute.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll see him hanged first!” cried Mr. Hayes, quite frightened. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, fie, now, you unnatural father!” said the Doctor. + </p> + <p> + The very name of father used to put Mr. Hayes in a fury. “I'm not his + father, thank Heaven!” said he. + </p> + <p> + “No, nor nobody else's,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hayes only muttered “Base-born brat!” + </p> + <p> + “His father was a gentleman,—that's more than you ever were!” + screamed Mrs. Hayes. “His father was a man of spirit; no cowardly sneak of + a carpenter, Mr Hayes! Tom has noble blood in his veins, for all he has a + tailor's appearance; and if his mother had had her right, she would be now + in a coach-and-six.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish I could find my father,” said Tom; “for I think Polly Briggs and I + would look mighty well in a coach-and-six.” Tom fancied that if his father + was a count at the time of his birth, he must be a prince now; and, + indeed, went among his companions by the latter august title. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, Tom, that you would,” cried his mother, looking at him fondly. + </p> + <p> + “With a sword by my side, and a hat and feather there's never a lord at + St. James's would cut a finer figure.” + </p> + <p> + After a little more of this talk, in which Mrs. Hayes let the company know + her high opinion of her son—who, as usual, took care to show his + extreme contempt for his stepfather—the latter retired to his + occupations; the lodger, Mrs. Springatt, who had never said a word all + this time, retired to her apartment on the second floor; and, pulling out + their pipes and tobacco, the old gentleman and the young one solaced + themselves with half-an-hour's more talk and smoking; while the thrifty + Mrs. Hayes, opposite to them, was busy with her books. + </p> + <p> + “What's in the confessions?” said Mr. Billings to Doctor Wood. “There were + six of 'em besides Mac: two for sheep, four housebreakers; but nothing of + consequence, I fancy.” + </p> + <p> + “There's the paper,” said Wood, archly. “Read for yourself, Tom.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tom looked at the same time very fierce and very foolish; for, though + he could drink, swear, and fight as well as any lad of his inches in + England, reading was not among his accomplishments. “I tell you what, + Doctor,” said he, “—— you! have no bantering with me,—for + I'm not the man that will bear it, —— me!” and he threw a + tremendous swaggering look across the table. + </p> + <p> + “I want you to learn to read, Tommy dear. Look at your mother there over + her books: she keeps them as neat as a scrivener now, and at twenty she + could make never a stroke.” + </p> + <p> + “Your godfather speaks for your good, child; and for me, thou knowest that + I have promised thee a gold-headed cane and periwig on the first day that + thou canst read me a column of the Flying Post.” + </p> + <p> + “Hang the periwig!” said Mr. Tom, testily. “Let my godfather read the + paper himself, if he has a liking for it.” + </p> + <p> + Whereupon the old gentleman put on his spectacles, and glanced over the + sheet of whity-brown paper, which, ornamented with a picture of a gallows + at the top, contained the biographies of the seven unlucky individuals who + had that morning suffered the penalty of the law. With the six heroes who + came first in the list we have nothing to do; but have before us a copy of + the paper containing the life of No. 7, and which the Doctor read in an + audible voice. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “CAPTAIN MACSHANE. +</pre> + <p> + “The seventh victim to his own crimes was the famous highwayman, Captain + Macshane, so well known as the Irish Fire-eater. + </p> + <p> + “The Captain came to the ground in a fine white lawn shirt and nightcap; + and, being a Papist in his religion, was attended by Father O'Flaherty, + Popish priest, and chaplain to the Bavarian Envoy. + </p> + <p> + “Captain Macshane was born of respectable parents, in the town of + Clonakilty, in Ireland, being descended from most of the kings in that + country. He had the honour of serving their Majesties King William and + Queen Mary, and Her Majesty Queen Anne, in Flanders and Spain, and + obtained much credit from my Lords Marlborough and Peterborough for his + valour. + </p> + <p> + “But being placed on half-pay at the end of the war, Ensign Macshane took + to evil courses; and, frequenting the bagnios and dice-houses, was + speedily brought to ruin. + </p> + <p> + “Being at this pass, he fell in with the notorious Captain Wood, and they + two together committed many atrocious robberies in the inland counties; + but these being too hot to hold them, they went into the west, where they + were unknown. Here, however, the day of retribution arrived; for, having + stolen three pewter-pots from a public-house, they, under false names, + were tried at Exeter, and transported for seven years beyond the sea. Thus + it is seen that Justice never sleeps; but, sooner or latter, is sure to + overtake the criminal. + </p> + <p> + “On their return from Virginia, a quarrel about booty arose between these + two, and Macshane killed Wood in a combat that took place between them + near to the town of Bristol; but a waggon coming up, Macshane was obliged + to fly without the ill-gotten wealth: so true is it, that wickedness never + prospers. + </p> + <p> + “Two days afterwards, Macshane met the coach of Miss Macraw, a Scotch lady + and heiress, going, for lumbago and gout, to the Bath. He at first would + have robbed this lady; but such were his arts, that he induced her to + marry him; and they lived together for seven years in the town of + Eddenboro, in Scotland,—he passing under the name of Colonel + Geraldine. The lady dying, and Macshane having expended all her wealth, he + was obliged to resume his former evil courses, in order to save himself + from starvation; whereupon he robbed a Scotch lord, by name the Lord of + Whistlebinkie, of a mull of snuff; for which crime he was condemned to the + Tolbooth prison at Eddenboro, in Scotland, and whipped many times in + publick. + </p> + <p> + “These deserved punishments did not at all alter Captain Macshane's + disposition; and on the 17th of February last, he stopped the Bavarian + Envoy's coach on Blackheath, coming from Dover, and robbed his Excellency + and his chaplain; taking from the former his money, watches, star, a + fur-cloak, his sword (a very valuable one); and from the latter a Romish + missal, out of which he was then reading, and a case-bottle.” + </p> + <p> + “The Bavarian Envoy!” said Tom parenthetically. “My master, Beinkleider, + was his Lordship's regimental tailor in Germany, and is now making a Court + suit for him. It will be a matter of a hundred pounds to him, I warrant.” + </p> + <p> + Doctor Wood resumed his reading. “Hum—hum! A Romish missal, out of + which he was reading, and a case-bottle. + </p> + <p> + “By means of the famous Mr. Wild, this notorious criminal was brought to + justice, and the case-bottle and missal have been restored to Father + O'Flaherty. + </p> + <p> + “During his confinement in Newgate, Mr. Macshane could not be brought to + express any contrition for his crimes, except that of having killed his + commanding officer. For this Wood he pretended an excessive sorrow, and + vowed that usquebaugh had been the cause of his death,—indeed, in + prison he partook of no other liquor, and drunk a bottle of it on the day + before his death. + </p> + <p> + “He was visited by several of the clergy and gentry in his cell; among + others, by the Popish priest whom he had robbed, Father O'Flaherty, before + mentioned, who attended him likewise in his last moments (if that + idolatrous worship may be called attention), and likewise by the Father's + patron, the Bavarian Ambassador, his Excellency Count Maximilian de + Galgenstein.” + </p> + <p> + As old Wood came to these words, he paused to give them utterance. + </p> + <p> + “What! Max?” screamed Mrs. Hayes, letting her ink-bottle fall over her + ledgers. + </p> + <p> + “Why, be hanged if it ben't my father!” said Mr. Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Your father, sure enough, unless there be others of his name, and unless + the scoundrel is hanged,” said the Doctor—sinking his voice, + however, at the end of the sentence. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings broke his pipe in an agony of joy. “I think we'll have the + coach now, Mother,” says he; “and I'm blessed if Polly Briggs shall not + look as fine as a duchess.” + </p> + <p> + “Polly Briggs is a low slut, Tom, and not fit for the likes of you, his + Excellency's son. Oh, fie! You must be a gentleman now, sirrah; and I + doubt whether I shan't take you away from that odious tailor's shop + altogether.” + </p> + <p> + To this proposition Mr. Billings objected altogether; for, besides Mrs. + Briggs before alluded to, the young gentleman was much attached to his + master's daughter, Mrs. Margaret Gretel, or Gretchen Beinkleider. + </p> + <p> + “No,” says he. “There will be time to think of that hereafter, ma'am. If + my pa makes a man of me, why, of course, the shop may go to the deuce, for + what I care; but we had better wait, look you, for something certain + before we give up such a pretty bird in the hand as this.” + </p> + <p> + “He speaks like Solomon,” said the Doctor. + </p> + <p> + “I always said he would be a credit to his old mother, didn't I, Brock?” + cried Mrs. Cat, embracing her son very affectionately. “A credit to her; + ay, I warrant, a real blessing! And dost thou want any money, Tom? for a + lord's son must not go about without a few pieces in his pocket. And I + tell thee, Tommy, thou must go and see his Lordship; and thou shalt have a + piece of brocade for a waistcoat, thou shalt; ay, and the silver-hilted + sword I told thee of; but oh, Tommy, Tommy! have a care, and don't be + a-drawing of it in naughty company at the gaming-houses, or at the—” + </p> + <p> + “A drawing of fiddlesticks, Mother! If I go to see my father, I must have + a reason for it; and instead of going with a sword in my hand, I shall + take something else in it.” + </p> + <p> + “The lad IS a lad of nous,” cried Doctor Wood, “although his mother does + spoil him so cruelly. Look you, Madam Cat: did you not hear what he said + about Beinkleider and the clothes? Tommy will just wait on the Count with + his Lordship's breeches. A man may learn a deal of news in the trying on + of a pair of breeches.” + </p> + <p> + And so it was agreed that in this manner the son should at first make his + appearance before his father. Mrs. Cat gave him the piece of brocade, + which, in the course of the day, was fashioned into a smart waistcoat (for + Beinkleider's shop was close by, in Cavendish Square). Mrs. Gretel, with + many blushes, tied a fine blue riband round his neck; and, in a pair of + silk stockings, with gold buckles to his shoes, Master Billings looked a + very proper young gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “And, Tommy,” said his mother, blushing and hesitating, “should Max—should + his Lordship ask after your—want to know if your mother is alive, + you can say she is, and well, and often talks of old times. And, Tommy” + (after another pause), “you needn't say anything about Mr. Hayes; only say + I'm quite well.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes looked at him as he marched down the street, a long long way. + Tom was proud and gay in his new costume, and was not unlike his father. + As she looked, lo! Oxford Street disappeared, and she saw a green common, + and a village, and a little inn. There was a soldier leading a pair of + horses about on the green common; and in the inn sat a cavalier, so young, + so merry, so beautiful! Oh, what slim white hands he had; and winning + words, and tender, gentle blue eyes! Was it not an honour to a country + lass that such a noble gentleman should look at her for a moment? Had he + not some charm about him that she must needs obey when he whispered in her + ear, “Come, follow me!” As she walked towards the lane that morning, how + well she remembered each spot as she passed it, and the look it wore for + the last time! How the smoke was rising from the pastures, how the fish + were jumping and plashing in the mill-stream! There was the church, with + all its windows lighted up with gold, and yonder were the reapers sweeping + down the brown corn. She tried to sing as she went up the hill—what + was it? She could not remember; but oh, how well she remembered the sound + of the horse's hoofs, as they came quicker, quicker—nearer, nearer! + How noble he looked on his great horse! Was he thinking of her, or were + they all silly words which he spoke last night, merely to pass away the + time and deceive poor girls with? Would he remember them,—would he? + </p> + <p> + “Cat my dear,” here cried Mr. Brock, alias Captain, alias Doctor Wood, + “here's the meat a-getting cold, and I am longing for my breakfast.” + </p> + <p> + As they went in he looked her hard in the face. “What, still at it, you + silly girl? I've been watching you these five minutes, Cat; and be hanged + but I think a word from Galgenstein, and you would follow him as a fly + does a treacle-pot!” + </p> + <p> + They went in to breakfast; but though there was a hot shoulder of mutton + and onion-sauce—Mrs. Catherine's favourite dish—she never + touched a morsel of it. + </p> + <p> + In the meanwhile Mr. Thomas Billings, in his new clothes which his mamma + had given him, in his new riband which the fair Miss Beinkleider had tied + round his neck, and having his Excellency's breeches wrapped in a silk + handkerchief in his right hand, turned down in the direction of Whitehall, + where the Bavarian Envoy lodged. But, before he waited on him, Mr. + Billings, being excessively pleased with his personal appearance, made an + early visit to Mrs. Briggs, who lived in the neighbourhood of Swallow + Street; and who, after expressing herself with much enthusiasm regarding + her Tommy's good looks, immediately asked him what he would stand to + drink? Raspberry gin being suggested, a pint of that liquor was sent for; + and so great was the confidence and intimacy subsisting between these two + young people, that the reader will be glad to hear that Mrs. Polly + accepted every shilling of the money which Tom Billings had received from + his mamma the day before; nay, could with difficulty be prevented from + seizing upon the cut-velvet breeches which he was carrying to the nobleman + for whom they were made. Having paid his adieux to Mrs. Polly, Mr. + Billings departed to visit his father. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. INTERVIEW BETWEEN COUNT GALGENSTEIN AND MASTER THOMAS + BILLINGS, WHEN HE INFORMS THE COUNT OF HIS PARENTAGE. + </h2> + <p> + I don't know in all this miserable world a more miserable spectacle than + that of a young fellow of five or six and forty. The British army, that + nursery of valour, turns out many of the young fellows I mean: who, having + flaunted in dragoon uniforms from seventeen to six-and-thirty; having + bought, sold, or swapped during that period some two hundred horses; + having played, say, fifteen thousand games at billiards; having drunk some + six thousand bottles of wine; having consumed a reasonable number of Nugee + coats, split many dozen pairs of high-heeled Hoby boots, and read the + newspaper and the army-list duly, retire from the service when they have + attained their eighth lustre, and saunter through the world, trailing from + London to Cheltenham, and from Boulogne to Paris, and from Paris to Baden, + their idleness, their ill-health, and their ennui. “In the morning of + youth,” and when seen along with whole troops of their companions, these + flowers look gaudy and brilliant enough; but there is no object more + dismal than one of them alone, and in its autumnal, or seedy state. My + friend, Captain Popjoy, is one who has arrived at this condition, and whom + everybody knows by his title of Father Pop. A kinder, simpler, more + empty-headed fellow does not exist. He is forty-seven years old, and + appears a young, good-looking man of sixty. At the time of the Army of + Occupation he really was as good-looking a man as any in the Dragoons. He + now uses all sorts of stratagems to cover the bald place on his head, by + combing certain thin grey sidelocks over it. He has, in revenge, a pair of + enormous moustaches, which he dyes of the richest blue-black. His nose is + a good deal larger and redder than it used to be; his eyelids have grown + flat and heavy; and a little pair of red, watery eyeballs float in the + midst of them: it seems as if the light which was once in those sickly + green pupils had extravasated into the white part of the eye. If Pop's + legs are not so firm and muscular as they used to be in those days when he + took such leaps into White's buckskins, in revenge his waist is much + larger. He wears a very good coat, however, and a waistband, which he lets + out after dinner. Before ladies he blushes, and is as silent as a + schoolboy. He calls them “modest women.” His society is chiefly among + young lads belonging to his former profession. He knows the best wine to + be had at each tavern or cafe, and the waiters treat him with much + respectful familiarity. He knows the names of every one of them; and + shouts out, “Send Markwell here!” or, “Tell Cuttriss to give us a bottle + of the yellow seal!” or, “Dizzy voo, Monsure Borrel, noo donny shampang + frappy,” etc. He always makes the salad or the punch, and dines out three + hundred days in the year: the other days you see him in a two-franc + eating-house at Paris, or prowling about Rupert Street, or St. Martin's + Court, where you get a capital cut of meat for eightpence. He has decent + lodgings and scrupulously clean linen; his animal functions are still + tolerably well preserved, his spiritual have evaporated long since; he + sleeps well, has no conscience, believes himself to be a respectable + fellow, and is tolerably happy on the days when he is asked out to dinner. + </p> + <p> + Poor Pop is not very high in the scale of created beings; but, if you + fancy there is none lower, you are in egregious error. There was once a + man who had a mysterious exhibition of an animal, quite unknown to + naturalists, called “the wusser.” Those curious individuals who desired to + see the wusser were introduced into an apartment where appeared before + them nothing more than a little lean shrivelled hideous blear-eyed mangy + pig. Everyone cried out “Swindle!” and “Shame!” “Patience, gentlemen, be + heasy,” said the showman: “look at that there hanimal; it's a perfect + phenomaly of hugliness: I engage you never see such a pig.” Nobody ever + had seen. “Now, gentlemen,” said he, “I'll keep my promise, has per bill; + and bad as that there pig is, look at this here” (he showed another). + “Look at this here, and you'll see at once that it's A WUSSER.” In like + manner the Popjoy breed is bad enough, but it serves only to show off the + Galgenstein race; which is WUSSER. + </p> + <p> + Galgenstein had led a very gay life, as the saying is, for the last + fifteen years; such a gay one, that he had lost all capacity of enjoyment + by this time, and only possessed inclinations without powers of gratifying + them. He had grown to be exquisitely curious and fastidious about meat and + drink, for instance, and all that he wanted was an appetite. He carried + about with him a French cook, who could not make him eat; a doctor, who + could not make him well; a mistress, of whom he was heartily sick after + two days; a priest, who had been a favourite of the exemplary Dubois, and + by turns used to tickle him by the imposition of penance, or by the + repetition of a tale from the recueil of Noce, or La Fare. All his + appetites were wasted and worn; only some monstrosity would galvanise them + into momentary action. He was in that effete state to which many noblemen + of his time had arrived; who were ready to believe in ghost-raising or in + gold-making, or to retire into monasteries and wear hair-shirts, or to + dabble in conspiracies, or to die in love with little cook-maids of + fifteen, or to pine for the smiles or at the frowns of a prince of the + blood, or to go mad at the refusal of a chamberlain's key. The last + gratification he remembered to have enjoyed was that of riding bareheaded + in a soaking rain for three hours by the side of his Grand Duke's + mistress's coach; taking the pas of Count Krahwinkel, who challenged him, + and was run through the body for this very dispute. Galgenstein gained a + rheumatic gout by it, which put him to tortures for many months; and was + further gratified with the post of English Envoy. He had a fortune, he + asked no salary, and could look the envoy very well. Father O'Flaherty did + all the duties, and furthermore acted as a spy over the ambassador—a + sinecure post, for the man had no feelings, wishes, or opinions—absolutely + none. + </p> + <p> + “Upon my life, father,” said this worthy man, “I care for nothing. You + have been talking for an hour about the Regent's death, and the Duchess of + Phalaris, and sly old Fleury, and what not; and I care just as much as if + you told me that one of my bauers at Galgenstein had killed a pig; or as + if my lacquey, La Rose yonder, had made love to my mistress.” + </p> + <p> + “He does!” said the reverend gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Monsieur l'Abbe!” said La Rose, who was arranging his master's + enormous Court periwig, “you are, helas! wrong. Monsieur le Comte will not + be angry at my saying that I wish the accusation were true.” + </p> + <p> + The Count did not take the slightest notice of La Rose's wit, but + continued his own complaints. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you, Abbe, I care for nothing. I lost a thousand guineas t'other + night at basset; I wish to my heart I could have been vexed about it. + Egad! I remember the day when to lose a hundred made me half mad for a + month. Well, next day I had my revenge at dice, and threw thirteen mains. + There was some delay; a call for fresh bones, I think; and would you + believe it?—I fell asleep with the box in my hand!” + </p> + <p> + “A desperate case, indeed,” said the Abbe. + </p> + <p> + “If it had not been for Krahwinkel, I should have been a dead man, that's + positive. That pinking him saved me.” + </p> + <p> + “I make no doubt of it,” said the Abbe. “Had your Excellency not run him + through, he, without a doubt, would have done the same for you.” + </p> + <p> + “Psha! you mistake my words, Monsieur l'Abbe” (yawning). “I mean—what + cursed chocolate!—that I was dying for want of excitement. Not that + I cared for dying; no, d—— me if I do!” + </p> + <p> + “WHEN you do, your Excellency means,” said the Abbe, a fat grey-haired + Irishman, from the Irlandois College at Paris. + </p> + <p> + His Excellency did not laugh, nor understand jokes of any kind; he was of + an undeviating stupidity, and only replied, “Sir, I mean what I say. I + don't care for living: no, nor for dying either; but I can speak as well + as another, and I'll thank you not to be correcting my phrases as if I + were one of your cursed schoolboys, and not a gentleman of fortune and + blood.” + </p> + <p> + Herewith the Count, who had uttered four sentences about himself (he never + spoke of anything else), sunk back on his pillows again, quite exhausted + by his eloquence. The Abbe, who had a seat and a table by the bedside, + resumed the labours which had brought him into the room in the morning, + and busied himself with papers, which occasionally he handed over to his + superior for approval. + </p> + <p> + Presently Monsieur la Rose appeared. + </p> + <p> + “Here is a person with clothes from Mr. Beinkleider's. Will your + Excellency see him, or shall I bid him leave the clothes?” + </p> + <p> + The Count was very much fatigued by this time; he had signed three papers, + and read the first half-a-dozen lines of a pair of them. + </p> + <p> + “Bid the fellow come in, La Rose; and, hark ye, give me my wig: one must + show one's self to be a gentleman before these scoundrels.” And he + therefore mounted a large chestnut-coloured, orange-scented pyramid of + horsehair, which was to awe the new-comer. + </p> + <p> + He was a lad of about seventeen, in a smart waistcoat and a blue riband: + our friend Tom Billings, indeed. He carried under his arm the Count's + destined breeches. He did not seem in the least awed, however, by his + Excellency's appearance, but looked at him with a great degree of + curiosity and boldness. In the same manner he surveyed the chaplain, and + then nodded to him with a kind look of recognition. + </p> + <p> + “Where have I seen the lad?” said the father. “Oh, I have it! My good + friend, you were at the hanging yesterday, I think?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings gave a very significant nod with his head. “I never miss,” + said he. + </p> + <p> + “What a young Turk! And pray, sir, do you go for pleasure, or for + business?” + </p> + <p> + “Business! what do you mean by business?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I did not know whether you might be brought up to the trade, or your + relations be undergoing the operation.” + </p> + <p> + “My relations,” said Mr. Billings, proudly, and staring the Count full in + the face, “was not made for no such thing. I'm a tailor now, but I'm a + gentleman's son: as good a man, ay, as his lordship there: for YOU a'n't + his lordship—you're the Popish priest you are; and we were very near + giving you a touch of a few Protestant stones, master.” + </p> + <p> + The Count began to be a little amused: he was pleased to see the Abbe look + alarmed, or even foolish. + </p> + <p> + “Egad, Abbe,” said he, “you turn as white as a sheet.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't fancy being murdered, my Lord,” said the Abbe, hastily; “and + murdered for a good work. It was but to be useful to yonder poor Irishman, + who saved me as a prisoner in Flanders, when Marlborough would have hung + me up like poor Macshane himself was yesterday.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” said the Count, bursting out with some energy, “I was thinking who + the fellow could be, ever since he robbed me on the Heath. I recollect the + scoundrel now: he was a second in a duel I had here in the year six.” + </p> + <p> + “Along with Major Wood, behind Montague House,” said Mr. Billings. “I'VE + heard on it.” And here he looked more knowing than ever. + </p> + <p> + “YOU!” cried the Count, more and more surprised. “And pray who the devil + ARE you?” + </p> + <p> + “My name's Billings.” + </p> + <p> + “Billings?” said the Count. + </p> + <p> + “I come out of Warwickshire,” said Mr. Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “I was born at Birmingham town.” + </p> + <p> + “Were you, really!” + </p> + <p> + “My mother's name was Hayes,” continued Billings, in a solemn voice. “I + was put out to a nurse along with John Billings, a blacksmith; and my + father run away. NOW do you know who I am?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, upon honour, now,” said the Count, who was amused,—“upon + honour, Mr. Billings, I have not that advantage.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, my Lord, YOU'RE MY FATHER!” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings when he said this came forward to the Count with a theatrical + air; and, flinging down the breeches of which he was the bearer, held out + his arms and stared, having very little doubt but that his Lordship would + forthwith spring out of bed and hug him to his heart. A similar piece of + naivete many fathers of families have, I have no doubt, remarked in their + children; who, not caring for their parents a single doit, conceive, + nevertheless, that the latter are bound to show all sorts of affection for + them. His lordship did move, but backwards towards the wall, and began + pulling at the bell-rope with an expression of the most intense alarm. + </p> + <p> + “Keep back, sirrah!—keep back! Suppose I AM your father, do you want + to murder me? Good heavens! how the boy smells of gin and tobacco! Don't + turn away, my lad; sit down there at a proper distance. And, La Rose, give + him some eau-de-Cologne, and get a cup of coffee. Well, now, go on with + your story. Egad, my dear Abbe, I think it is very likely that what the + lad says is true.” + </p> + <p> + “If it is a family conversation,” said the Abbe, “I had better leave you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, for Heaven's sake, no! I could not stand the boy alone. Now, Mister + ah!—What's-your-name? Have the goodness to tell your story.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings was woefully disconcerted; for his mother and he had agreed + that as soon as his father saw him he would be recognised at once, and, + mayhap, made heir to the estates and title; in which being disappointed, + he very sulkily went on with his narrative, and detailed many of those + events with which the reader has already been made acquainted. The Count + asked the boy's mother's Christian name, and being told it, his memory at + once returned to him. + </p> + <p> + “What! are you little Cat's son?” said his Excellency. “By heavens, mon + cher Abbe, a charming creature, but a tigress—positively a tigress. + I recollect the whole affair now. She's a little fresh black-haired woman, + a'n't she? with a sharp nose and thick eyebrows, ay? Ah yes, yes!” went on + my Lord, “I recollect her, I recollect her. It was at Birmingham I first + met her: she was my Lady Trippet's woman, wasn't she?” + </p> + <p> + “She was no such thing,” said Mr. Billings, hotly. “Her aunt kept the + 'Bugle Inn' on Waltham Green, and your Lordship seduced her.” + </p> + <p> + “Seduced her! Oh, 'gad, so I did. Stap me, now, I did. Yes, I made her + jump on my black horse, and bore her off like—like Aeneas bore his + wife away from the siege of Rome! hey, l'Abbe?” + </p> + <p> + “The events were precisely similar,” said the Abbe. “It is wonderful what + a memory you have!” + </p> + <p> + “I was always remarkable for it,” continued his Excellency. “Well, where + was I,—at the black horse? Yes, at the black horse. Well, I mounted + her on the black horse, and rode her en croupe, egad—ha, ha!—to + Birmingham; and there we billed and cooed together like a pair of + turtle-doves: yes—ha!—that we did!” + </p> + <p> + “And this, I suppose, is the end of some of the BILLINGS?” said the Abbe, + pointing to Mr. Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Billings! what do you mean? Yes—oh—ah—a pun, a + calembourg. Fi donc, M. l'Abbe.” And then, after the wont of very stupid + people, M. de Galgenstein went on to explain to the Abbe his own pun. + “Well, but to proceed,” cries he. “We lived together at Birmingham, and I + was going to be married to a rich heiress, egad! when what do you think + this little Cat does? She murders me, egad! and makes me manquer the + marriage. Twenty thousand, I think it was; and I wanted the money in those + days. Now, wasn't she an abominable monster, that mother of yours, hey, + Mr. a—What's-your-name?” + </p> + <p> + “She served you right!” said Mr. Billings, with a great oath, starting up + out of all patience. + </p> + <p> + “Fellow!” said his Excellency, quite aghast, “do you know to whom you + speak?—to a nobleman of seventy-eight descents; a count of the Holy + Roman Empire; a representative of a sovereign? Ha, egad! Don't stamp, + fellow, if you hope for my protection.” + </p> + <p> + “D—n your protection!” said Mr. Billings, in a fury. “Curse you and + your protection too! I'm a free-born Briton, and no —— French + Papist! And any man who insults my mother—ay, or calls me feller—had + better look to himself and the two eyes in his head, I can tell him!” And + with this Mr. Billings put himself into the most approved attitude of the + Cockpit, and invited his father, the reverend gentleman, and Monsieur la + Rose the valet, to engage with him in a pugilistic encounter. The two + latter, the Abbe especially, seemed dreadfully frightened; but the Count + now looked on with much interest; and, giving utterance to a feeble kind + of chuckle, which lasted for about half a minute, said,— + </p> + <p> + “Paws off, Pompey! You young hangdog, you—egad, yes, aha! 'pon + honour, you're a lad of spirit; some of your father's spunk in you, hey? I + know him by that oath. Why, sir, when I was sixteen, I used to swear—to + swear, egad, like a Thames waterman, and exactly in this fellow's way! + Buss me, my lad; no, kiss my hand. That will do”—and he held out a + very lean yellow hand, peering from a pair of yellow ruffles. It shook + very much, and the shaking made all the rings upon it shine only the more. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says Mr. Billings, “if you wasn't a-going to abuse me nor mother, + I don't care if I shake hands with you. I ain't proud!” + </p> + <p> + The Abbe laughed with great glee; and that very evening sent off to his + Court a most ludicrous spicy description of the whole scene of meeting + between this amiable father and child; in which he said that young + Billings was the eleve favori of M. Kitch, Ecuyer, le bourreau de Londres, + and which made the Duke's mistress laugh so much that she vowed that the + Abbe should have a bishopric on his return: for, with such store of + wisdom, look you, my son, was the world governed in those days. + </p> + <p> + The Count and his offspring meanwhile conversed with some cordiality. The + former informed the latter of all the diseases to which he was subject, + his manner of curing them, his great consideration as chamberlain to the + Duke of Bavaria; how he wore his Court suits, and of a particular powder + which he had invented for the hair; how, when he was seventeen, he had run + away with a canoness, egad! who was afterwards locked up in a convent, and + grew to be sixteen stone in weight; how he remembered the time when ladies + did not wear patches; and how the Duchess of Marlborough boxed his ears + when he was so high, because he wanted to kiss her. + </p> + <p> + All these important anecdotes took some time in the telling, and were + accompanied by many profound moral remarks; such as, “I can't abide + garlic, nor white-wine, stap me! nor Sauerkraut, though his Highness eats + half a bushel per day. I ate it the first time at Court; but when they + brought it me a second time, I refused—refused, split me and grill + me if I didn't! Everybody stared; his Highness looked as fierce as a Turk; + and that infernal Krahwinkel (my dear, I did for him afterwards)—that + cursed Krahwinkel, I say, looked as pleased as possible, and whispered to + Countess Fritsch, 'Blitzchen, Frau Grafinn,' says he, 'it's all over with + Galgenstein.' What did I do? I had the entree, and demanded it. 'Altesse,' + says I, falling on one knee, 'I ate no kraut at dinner to-day. You + remarked it: I saw your Highness remark it.' + </p> + <p> + “'I did, M. le Comte,' said his Highness, gravely. + </p> + <p> + “I had almost tears in my eyes; but it was necessary to come to a + resolution, you know. 'Sir,' said I, 'I speak with deep grief to your + Highness, who are my benefactor, my friend, my father; but of this I am + resolved, I WILL NEVER EAT SAUERKRAUT MORE: it don't agree with me. After + being laid up for four weeks by the last dish of Sauerkraut of which I + partook, I may say with confidence—IT DON'T agree with me. By + impairing my health, it impairs my intellect, and weakens my strength; and + both I would keep for your Highness's service.' + </p> + <p> + “'Tut, tut!' said his Highness. 'Tut, tut, tut!' Those were his very + words. + </p> + <p> + “'Give me my sword or my pen,' said I. 'Give me my sword or my pen, and + with these Maximilian de Galgenstein is ready to serve you; but sure,—sure, + a great prince will pity the weak health of a faithful subject, who does + not know how to eat Sauerkraut?' His Highness was walking about the room: + I was still on my knees, and stretched forward my hand to seize his coat. + </p> + <p> + “'GEHT ZUM TEUFEL, Sir!' said he, in a loud voice (it means 'Go to the + deuce,' my dear),—'Geht zum Teufel, and eat what you like!' With + this he went out of the room abruptly; leaving in my hand one of his + buttons, which I keep to this day. As soon as I was alone, amazed by his + great goodness and bounty, I sobbed aloud—cried like a child” (the + Count's eyes filled and winked at the very recollection), “and when I went + back into the card-room, stepping up to Krahwinkel, 'Count,' says I, 'who + looks foolish now?'—Hey there, La Rose, give me the diamond—Yes, + that was the very pun I made, and very good it was thought. 'Krahwinkel,' + says I, 'WHO LOOKS FOOLISH NOW?' and from that day to this I was never at + a Court-day asked to eat Sauerkraut—NEVER!” + </p> + <p> + “Hey there, La Rose! Bring me that diamond snuff-box in the drawer of my + secretaire;” and the snuff-box was brought. “Look at it, my dear,” said + the Count, “for I saw you seemed to doubt. There is the button—the + very one that came off his Grace's coat.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings received it, and twisted it about with a stupid air. The + story had quite mystified him; for he did not dare yet to think his father + was a fool—his respect for the aristocracy prevented him. + </p> + <p> + When the Count's communications had ceased, which they did as soon as the + story of the Sauerkraut was finished, a silence of some minutes ensued. + Mr. Billings was trying to comprehend the circumstances above narrated; + his Lordship was exhausted; the chaplain had quitted the room directly the + word Sauerkraut was mentioned—he knew what was coming. His Lordship + looked for some time at his son; who returned the gaze with his mouth wide + open. “Well,” said the Count—“well, sir? What are you sitting there + for? If you have nothing to say, sir, you had better go. I had you here to + amuse me—split me—and not to sit there staring!” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings rose in a fury. + </p> + <p> + “Hark ye, my lad,” said the Count, “tell La Rose to give thee five + guineas, and, ah—come again some morning. A nice well-grown young + lad,” mused the Count, as Master Tommy walked wondering out of the + apartment; “a pretty fellow enough, and intelligent too.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he IS an odd fellow, my father,” thought Mr. Billings, as he walked + out, having received the sum offered to him. And he immediately went to + call upon his friend Polly Briggs, from whom he had separated in the + morning. + </p> + <p> + What was the result of their interview is not at all necessary to the + progress of this history. Having made her, however, acquainted with the + particulars of his visit to his father, he went to his mother's, and + related to her all that had occurred. + </p> + <p> + Poor thing, she was very differently interested in the issue of it! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. SHOWING HOW GALGENSTEIN AND MRS. CAT RECOGNISE EACH OTHER IN + MARYLEBONE GARDENS—AND HOW THE COUNT DRIVES HER HOME IN HIS + CARRIAGE. + </h2> + <p> + About a month after the touching conversation above related, there was + given, at Marylebone Gardens, a grand concert and entertainment, at which + the celebrated Madame Amenaide, a dancer of the theatre at Paris, was to + perform, under the patronage of several English and foreign noblemen; + among whom was his Excellency the Bavarian Envoy. Madame Amenaide was, in + fact, no other than the maitresse en titre of the Monsieur de Galgenstein, + who had her a great bargain from the Duke de Rohan-Chabot at Paris. + </p> + <p> + It is not our purpose to make a great and learned display here, otherwise + the costumes of the company assembled at this fete might afford scope for + at least half-a-dozen pages of fine writing; and we might give, if need + were, specimens of the very songs and music sung on the occasion. Does not + the Burney collection of music, at the British Museum, afford one an ample + store of songs from which to choose? Are there not the memoirs of Colley + Cibber? those of Mrs. Clark, the daughter of Colley? Is there not + Congreve, and Farquhar—nay, and at a pinch, the “Dramatic + Biography,” or even the Spectator, from which the observant genius might + borrow passages, and construct pretty antiquarian figments? Leave we these + trifles to meaner souls! Our business is not with the breeches and + periwigs, with the hoops and patches, but with the divine hearts of men, + and the passions which agitate them. What need, therefore, have we to say + that on this evening, after the dancing, the music, and the fireworks, + Monsieur de Galgenstein felt the strange and welcome pangs of appetite, + and was picking a cold chicken, along with some other friends in an arbour—a + cold chicken, with an accompaniment of a bottle of champagne—when he + was led to remark that a very handsome plump little person, in a gorgeous + stiff damask gown and petticoat, was sauntering up and down the walk + running opposite his supping-place, and bestowing continual glances + towards his Excellency. The lady, whoever she was, was in a mask, such as + ladies of high and low fashion wore at public places in those days, and + had a male companion. He was a lad of only seventeen, marvellously well + dressed—indeed, no other than the Count's own son, Mr. Thomas + Billings; who had at length received from his mother the silver-hilted + sword, and the wig, which that affectionate parent had promised to him. + </p> + <p> + In the course of the month which had elapsed since the interview that has + been described in the former chapter, Mr. Billings had several times had + occasion to wait on his father; but though he had, according to her + wishes, frequently alluded to the existence of his mother, the Count had + never at any time expressed the slightest wish to renew his acquaintance + with that lady; who, if she had seen him, had only seen him by stealth. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that after Billings had related to her the particulars of his + first meeting with his Excellency; which ended, like many of the latter + visits, in nothing at all; Mrs. Hayes had found some pressing business, + which continually took her to Whitehall, and had been prowling from day to + day about Monsieur de Galgenstein's lodgings. Four or five times in the + week, as his Excellency stepped into his coach, he might have remarked, + had he chosen, a woman in a black hood, who was looking most eagerly into + his eyes: but those eyes had long since left off the practice of + observing; and Madam Catherine's visits had so far gone for nothing. + </p> + <p> + On this night, however, inspired by gaiety and drink, the Count had been + amazingly stricken by the gait and ogling of the lady in the mask. The + Reverend O'Flaherty, who was with him, and had observed the figure in the + black cloak, recognised, or thought he recognised, her. “It is the woman + who dogs your Excellency every day,” said he. “She is with that tailor lad + who loves to see people hanged—your Excellency's son, I mean.” And + he was just about to warn the Count of a conspiracy evidently made against + him, and that the son had brought, most likely, the mother to play her + arts upon him—he was just about, I say, to show to the Count the + folly and danger of renewing an old liaison with a woman such as he had + described Mrs. Cat to be, when his Excellency, starting up, and + interrupting his ghostly adviser at the very beginning of his sentence, + said, “Egad, l'Abbe, you are right—it IS my son, and a mighty + smart-looking creature with him. Hey! Mr. What's-your-name—Tom, you + rogue, don't you know your own father?” And so saying, and cocking his + beaver on one side, Monsieur de Galgenstein strutted jauntily after Mr. + Billings and the lady. + </p> + <p> + It was the first time that the Count had formally recognised his son. + </p> + <p> + “Tom, you rogue,” stopped at this, and the Count came up. He had a white + velvet suit, covered over with stars and orders, a neat modest wig and + bag, and peach-coloured silk-stockings with silver clasps. The lady in the + mask gave a start as his Excellency came forward. “Law, mother, don't + squeege so,” said Tom. The poor woman was trembling in every limb, but she + had presence of mind to “squeege” Tom a great deal harder; and the latter + took the hint, I suppose, and was silent. + </p> + <p> + The splendid Count came up. Ye gods, how his embroidery glittered in the + lamps! What a royal exhalation of musk and bergamot came from his wig, his + handkerchief, and his grand lace ruffles and frills! A broad yellow riband + passed across his breast, and ended at his hip in a shining diamond cross—a + diamond cross, and a diamond sword-hilt! Was anything ever seen so + beautiful? And might not a poor woman tremble when such a noble creature + drew near to her, and deigned, from the height of his rank and splendour, + to look down upon her? As Jove came down to Semele in state, in his habits + of ceremony, with all the grand cordons of his orders blazing about his + imperial person—thus dazzling, magnificent, triumphant, the great + Galgenstein descended towards Mrs. Catherine. Her cheeks glowed red-hot + under her coy velvet mask, her heart thumped against the whalebone prison + of her stays. What a delicious storm of vanity was raging in her bosom! + What a rush of long-pent recollections burst forth at the sound of that + enchanting voice! + </p> + <p> + As you wind up a hundred-guinea chronometer with a twopenny watch-key—as + by means of a dirty wooden plug you set all the waters of Versailles + a-raging, and splashing, and storming—in like manner, and by like + humble agents, were Mrs. Catherine's tumultuous passions set going. The + Count, we have said, slipped up to his son, and merely saying, “How do, + Tom?” cut the young gentleman altogether, and passing round to the lady's + side, said, “Madam, 'tis a charming evening—egad it is!” She almost + fainted: it was the old voice. There he was, after seventeen years, once + more at her side! + </p> + <p> + Now I know what I could have done. I can turn out a quotation from + Sophocles (by looking to the index) as well as another: I can throw off a + bit of fine writing too, with passion, similes, and a moral at the end. + What, pray, is the last sentence but one but the very finest writing? + Suppose, for example, I had made Maximilian, as he stood by the side of + Catherine, look up towards the clouds, and exclaim, in the words of the + voluptuous Cornelius Nepos, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Aenaoi nephelai + 'Arthoomen phanerai + Droseran phusin euageetoi, k.t.l. [*] + + * Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. +</pre> + <p> + Or suppose, again, I had said, in a style still more popular:— + </p> + <p> + The Count advanced towards the maiden. They both were mute for a while; + and only the beating of her heart interrupted that thrilling and + passionate silence. Ah, what years of buried joys and fears, hopes and + disappointments, arose from their graves in the far past, and in those + brief moments flitted before the united ones! How sad was that delicious + retrospect, and oh, how sweet! The tears that rolled down the cheek of + each were bubbles from the choked and moss-grown wells of youth; the sigh + that heaved each bosom had some lurking odours in it—memories of the + fragrance of boyhood, echoes of the hymns of the young heart! Thus is it + ever—for these blessed recollections the soul always has a place; + and while crime perishes, and sorrow is forgotten, the beautiful alone is + eternal. + </p> + <p> + “O golden legends, written in the skies!” mused De Galgenstein, “ye shine + as ye did in the olden days! WE change, but YE speak ever the same + language. Gazing in your abysmal depths, the feeble ratioci—” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + There, now, are six columns[*] of the best writing to be found in this or + any other book. Galgenstein has quoted Euripides thrice, Plato once, + Lycophron nine times, besides extracts from the Latin syntax and the minor + Greek poets. Catherine's passionate embreathings are of the most + fashionable order; and I call upon the ingenious critic of the X—— + newspaper to say whether they do not possess the real impress of the + giants of the olden time—the real Platonic smack, in a word? Not + that I want in the least to show off; but it is as well, every now and + then, to show the public what one CAN do. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + (* There WERE six columns, as mentioned by the accurate Mr. + Solomons; but we have withdrawn two pages and three- + quarters, because, although our correspondent has been + excessively eloquent, according to custom, we were anxious + to come to the facts of the story. + + Mr. Solomons, by sending to our office, may have the + cancelled passages.—O.Y.) +</pre> + <p> + Instead, however, of all this rant and nonsense, how much finer is the + speech that the Count really did make! “It is a very fine evening,—egad + it is!” The “egad” did the whole business: Mrs. Cat was as much in love + with him now as ever she had been; and, gathering up all her energies, she + said, “It is dreadful hot too, I think;” and with this she made a curtsey. + </p> + <p> + “Stifling, split me!” added his Excellency. “What do you say, madam, to a + rest in an arbour, and a drink of something cool?” + </p> + <p> + “Sir!” said the lady, drawing back. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a drink—a drink by all means,” exclaimed Mr. Billings, who was + troubled with a perpetual thirst. “Come, mo—, Mrs. Jones, I mean. + you're fond of a glass of cold punch, you know; and the rum here is prime, + I can tell you.” + </p> + <p> + The lady in the mask consented with some difficulty to the proposal of Mr. + Billings, and was led by the two gentlemen into an arbour, where she was + seated between them; and some wax-candles being lighted, punch was + brought. + </p> + <p> + She drank one or two glasses very eagerly, and so did her two companions; + although it was evident to see, from the flushed looks of both of them, + that they had little need of any such stimulus. The Count, in the midst of + his champagne, it must be said, had been amazingly stricken and + scandalised by the appearance of such a youth as Billings in a public + place with a lady under his arm. He was, the reader will therefore + understand, in the moral stage of liquor; and when he issued out, it was + not merely with the intention of examining Mr. Billings's female + companion, but of administering to him some sound correction for + venturing, at his early period of life, to form any such acquaintances. On + joining Billings, his Excellency's first step was naturally to examine the + lady. After they had been sitting for a while over their punch, he + bethought him of his original purpose, and began to address a number of + moral remarks to his son. + </p> + <p> + We have already given some specimens of Monsieur de Galgenstein's sober + conversation; and it is hardly necessary to trouble the reader with any + further reports of his speeches. They were intolerably stupid and dull; as + egotistical as his morning lecture had been, and a hundred times more + rambling and prosy. If Cat had been in the possession of her sober senses, + she would have seen in five minutes that her ancient lover was a ninny, + and have left him with scorn; but she was under the charm of old + recollections, and the sound of that silly voice was to her magical. As + for Mr. Billings, he allowed his Excellency to continue his prattle; only + frowning, yawning, cursing occasionally, but drinking continually. + </p> + <p> + So the Count descanted at length upon the enormity of young Billings's + early liaisons; and then he told his own, in the year four, with a + burgomaster's daughter at Ratisbon, when he was in the Elector of + Bavaria's service—then, after Blenheim, when he had come over to the + Duke of Marlborough, when a physician's wife at Bonn poisoned herself for + him, etc. etc.; of a piece with the story of the canoness, which has been + recorded before. All the tales were true. A clever, ugly man every now and + then is successful with the ladies; but a handsome fool is irresistible. + Mrs. Cat listened and listened. Good heavens! she had heard all these + tales before, and recollected the place and the time—how she was + hemming a handkerchief for Max; who came round and kissed her, vowing that + the physician's wife was nothing compared to her—how he was tired, + and lying on the sofa, just come home from shooting. How handsome he + looked! Cat thought he was only the handsomer now; and looked more grave + and thoughtful, the dear fellow! + </p> + <p> + The garden was filled with a vast deal of company of all kinds, and + parties were passing every moment before the arbour where our trio sat. + About half-an-hour after his Excellency had quitted his own box and party, + the Rev. Mr. O'Flaherty came discreetly round, to examine the proceedings + of his diplomatical chef. The lady in the mask was listening with all her + might; Mr. Billings was drawing figures on the table with punch; and the + Count talking incessantly. The Father Confessor listened for a moment; and + then, with something resembling an oath, walked away to the entry of the + gardens, where his Excellency's gilt coach, with three footmen, was + waiting to carry him back to London. “Get me a chair, Joseph,” said his + Reverence, who infinitely preferred a seat gratis in the coach. “That + fool,” muttered he, “will not move for this hour.” The reverend gentleman + knew that, when the Count was on the subject of the physician's wife, his + discourses were intolerably long; and took upon himself, therefore, to + disappear, along with the rest of the Count's party; who procured other + conveyances, and returned to their homes. + </p> + <p> + After this quiet shadow had passed before the Count's box, many groups of + persons passed and repassed; and among them was no other than Mrs. Polly + Briggs, to whom we have been already introduced. Mrs. Polly was in company + with one or two other ladies, and leaning on the arm of a gentleman with + large shoulders and calves, a fierce cock to his hat, and a shabby genteel + air. His name was Mr. Moffat, and his present occupation was that of + doorkeeper at a gambling-house in Covent Garden; where, though he saw many + thousands pass daily under his eyes, his own salary amounted to no more + than four-and-sixpence weekly,—a sum quite insufficient to maintain + him in the rank which he held. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Moffat had, however, received some funds—amounting indeed, to a + matter of twelve guineas—within the last month, and was treating + Mrs. Briggs very generously to the concert. It may be as well to say that + every one of the twelve guineas had come out of Mrs. Polly's own pocket; + who, in return, had received them from Mr. Billings. And as the reader may + remember that, on the day of Tommy's first interview with his father, he + had previously paid a visit to Mrs. Briggs, having under his arm a pair of + breeches, which Mrs. Briggs coveted—he should now be informed that + she desired these breeches, not for pincushions, but for Mr. Moffat, who + had long been in want of a pair. + </p> + <p> + Having thus episodically narrated Mr. Moffat's history, let us state that + he, his lady, and their friends, passed before the Count's arbour, joining + in a melodious chorus to a song which one of the society, an actor of + Betterton's, was singing: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Tis my will, when I'm dead, that no tear shall be shed, + No 'Hic jacet' be graved on my stone; + But pour o'er my ashes a bottle of red, + And say a good fellow is gone, + My brave boys! + And say a good fellow is gone.” + </pre> + <p> + “My brave boys” was given with vast emphasis by the party; Mr. Moffat + growling it in a rich bass, and Mrs. Briggs in a soaring treble. As to the + notes, when quavering up to the skies, they excited various emotions among + the people in the gardens. “Silence them blackguards!” shouted a barber, + who was taking a pint of small beer along with his lady. “Stop that there + infernal screeching!” said a couple of ladies, who were sipping ratafia in + company with two pretty fellows. + </p> + <p> + “Dang it, it's Polly!” said Mr. Tom Billings, bolting out of the box, and + rushing towards the sweet-voiced Mrs. Briggs. When he reached her, which + he did quickly, and made his arrival known by tipping Mrs. Briggs slightly + on the waist, and suddenly bouncing down before her and her friend, both + of the latter drew back somewhat startled. + </p> + <p> + “Law, Mr. Billings!” says Mrs. Polly, rather coolly, “is it you? Who + thought of seeing you here?” + </p> + <p> + “Who's this here young feller?” says towering Mr. Moffat, with his bass + voice. + </p> + <p> + “It's Mr. Billings, cousin, a friend of mine,” said Mrs. Polly, + beseechingly. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, cousin, if it's a friend of yours, he should know better how to + conduct himself, that's all. Har you a dancing-master, young feller, that + you cut them there capers before gentlemen?” growled Mr. Moffat; who hated + Mr. Billings, for the excellent reason that he lived upon him. + </p> + <p> + “Dancing-master be hanged!” said Mr. Billings, with becoming spirit: “if + you call me dancing-master, I'll pull your nose.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” roared Mr. Moffat, “pull my nose? MY NOSE! I'll tell you what, my + lad, if you durst move me, I'll cut your throat, curse me!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Moffy—cousin, I mean—'tis a shame to treat the poor boy + so. Go away, Tommy; do go away; my cousin's in liquor,” whimpered Madam + Briggs, who really thought that the great doorkeeper would put his threat + into execution. + </p> + <p> + “Tommy!” said Mr. Moffat, frowning horribly; “Tommy to me too? Dog, get + out of my ssss—-” SIGHT was the word which Mr. Moffat intended to + utter; but he was interrupted; for, to the astonishment of his friends and + himself, Mr. Billings did actually make a spring at the monster's nose, + and caught it so firmly, that the latter could not finish his sentence. + </p> + <p> + The operation was performed with amazing celerity; and, having concluded + it, Mr. Billings sprang back, and whisked from out its sheath that new + silver-hilted sword which his mamma had given him. “Now,” said he, with a + fierce kind of calmness, “now for the throat-cutting, cousin: I'm your + man!” + </p> + <p> + How the brawl might have ended, no one can say, had the two gentlemen + actually crossed swords; but Mrs. Polly, with a wonderful presence of + mind, restored peace by exclaiming, “Hush, hush! the beaks, the beaks!” + Upon which, with one common instinct, the whole party made a rush for the + garden gates, and disappeared into the fields. Mrs. Briggs knew her + company: there was something in the very name of a constable which sent + them all a-flying. + </p> + <p> + After running a reasonable time, Mr. Billings stopped. But the great + Moffat was nowhere to be seen, and Polly Briggs had likewise vanished. + Then Tom bethought him that he would go back to his mother; but, arriving + at the gate of the gardens, was refused admittance, as he had not a + shilling in his pocket. “I've left,” says Tommy, giving himself the airs + of a gentleman, “some friends in the gardens. I'm with his Excellency the + Bavarian henvy.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you had better go away with him,” said the gate people. + </p> + <p> + “But I tell you I left him there, in the grand circle, with a lady; and, + what's more, in the dark walk, I have left a silver-hilted sword.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, my Lord, I'll go and tell him then,” cried one of the porters, “if + you will wait.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings seated himself on a post near the gate, and there consented + to remain until the return of his messenger. The latter went straight to + the dark walk, and found the sword, sure enough. But, instead of returning + it to its owner this discourteous knight broke the trenchant blade at the + hilt; and flinging the steel away, pocketed the baser silver metal, and + lurked off by the private door consecrated to the waiters and fiddlers. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Mr. Billings waited and waited. And what was the + conversation of his worthy parents inside the garden? I cannot say; but + one of the waiters declared that he had served the great foreign Count + with two bowls of rack-punch, and some biscuits, in No. 3: that in the box + with him were first a young gentleman, who went away, and a lady, + splendidly dressed and masked: that when the lady and his Lordship were + alone, she edged away to the further end of the table, and they had much + talk: that at last, when his Grace had pressed her very much, she took off + her mask and said, “Don't you know me now, Max?” that he cried out, “My + own Catherine, thou art more beautiful than ever!” and wanted to kneel + down and vow eternal love to her; but she begged him not to do so in a + place where all the world would see: that then his Highness paid, and they + left the gardens, the lady putting on her mask again. + </p> + <p> + When they issued from the gardens, “Ho! Joseph la Rose, my coach!” shouted + his Excellency, in rather a husky voice; and the men who had been waiting + came up with the carriage. A young gentleman, who was dosing on one of the + posts at the entry, woke up suddenly at the blaze of the torches and the + noise of the footmen. The Count gave his arm to the lady in the mask, who + slipped in; and he was whispering La Rose, when the lad who had been + sleeping hit his Excellency on the shoulder, and said, “I say, Count, you + can give ME a cast home too,” and jumped into the coach. + </p> + <p> + When Catherine saw her son, she threw herself into his arms, and kissed + him with a burst of hysterical tears; of which Mr. Billings was at a loss + to understand the meaning. The Count joined them, looking not a little + disconcerted; and the pair were landed at their own door, where stood Mr. + Hayes, in his nightcap, ready to receive them, and astounded at the + splendour of the equipage in which his wife returned to him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. OF SOME DOMESTIC QUARRELS, AND THE CONSEQUENCE THEREOF. + </h2> + <p> + An ingenious magazine-writer, who lived in the time of Mr. Brock and the + Duke of Marlborough, compared the latter gentleman's conduct in battle, + when he + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “In peaceful thought the field of death surveyed, + To fainting squadrons lent the timely aid; + Inspired repulsed battalions to engage, + And taught the doubtful battle where to rage”— +</pre> + <p> + Mr. Joseph Addison, I say, compared the Duke of Marlborough to an angel, + who is sent by Divine command to chastise a guilty people— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “And pleased his Master's orders to perform, + Rides on the whirlwind, and directs the storm.” + </pre> + <p> + The first four of these novel lines touch off the Duke's disposition and + genius to a tittle. He had a love for such scenes of strife: in the midst + of them his spirit rose calm and supreme, soaring (like an angel or not, + but anyway the compliment is a very pretty one) on the battle-clouds + majestic, and causing to ebb or to flow the mighty tide of war. + </p> + <p> + But as this famous simile might apply with equal propriety—to a bad + angel as to a good one, it may in like manner be employed to illustrate + small quarrels as well as great—a little family squabble, in which + two or three people are engaged, as well as a vast national dispute, + argued on each side by the roaring throats of five hundred angry cannon. + The poet means, in fact, that the Duke of Marlborough had an immense + genius for mischief. + </p> + <p> + Our friend Brock, or Wood (whose actions we love to illustrate by the very + handsomest similes), possessed this genius in common with his Grace; and + was never so happy, or seen to so much advantage, as when he was employed + in setting people by the ears. His spirits, usually dull, then rose into + the utmost gaiety and good-humour. When the doubtful battle flagged, he by + his art would instantly restore it. When, for instance, Tom's repulsed + battalions of rhetoric fled from his mamma's fire, a few words of apt + sneer or encouragement on Wood's part would bring the fight round again; + or when Mr. Hayes's fainting squadrons of abuse broke upon the stubborn + squares of Tom's bristling obstinacy, it was Wood's delight to rally the + former, and bring him once more to the charge. A great share had this man + in making those bad people worse. Many fierce words and bad passions, many + falsehoods and knaveries on Tom's part, much bitterness, scorn, and + jealousy on the part of Hayes and Catherine, might be attributed to this + hoary old tempter, whose joy and occupation it was to raise and direct the + domestic storms and whirlwinds of the family of which he was a member. And + do not let us be accused of an undue propensity to use sounding words, + because we compare three scoundrels in the Tyburn Road to so many armies, + and Mr. Wood to a mighty field-marshal. My dear sir, when you have well + studied the world—how supremely great the meanest thing in this + world is, and how infinitely mean the greatest—I am mistaken if you + do not make a strange and proper jumble of the sublime and the ridiculous, + the lofty and the low. I have looked at the world, for my part, and come + to the conclusion that I know not which is which. + </p> + <p> + Well, then, on the night when Mrs Hayes, as recorded by us, had been to + the Marylebone Gardens, Mr. Wood had found the sincerest enjoyment in + plying her husband with drink; so that, when Catherine arrived at home, + Mr. Hayes came forward to meet her in a manner which showed he was not + only surly, but drunk. Tom stepped out of the coach first; and Hayes asked + him, with an oath, where he had been? The oath Mr. Billings sternly flung + back again (with another in its company), and at the same time refused to + give his stepfather any sort of answer to his query. + </p> + <p> + “The old man is drunk, mother,” said he to Mrs. Hayes, as he handed that + lady out of the coach (before leaving which she had to withdraw her hand + rather violently from the grasp of the Count, who was inside). Hayes + instantly showed the correctness of his surmise by slamming the door + courageously in Tom's face, when he attempted to enter the house with his + mother. And when Mrs. Catherine remonstrated, according to her wont, in a + very angry and supercilious tone, Mr. Hayes replied with equal + haughtiness, and a regular quarrel ensued. + </p> + <p> + People were accustomed in those days to use much more simple and + expressive terms of language than are now thought polite; and it would be + dangerous to give, in this present year 1840, the exact words of reproach + which passed between Hayes and his wife in 1726. Mr. Wood sat near, + laughing his sides out. Mr. Hayes swore that his wife should not go abroad + to tea-gardens in search of vile Popish noblemen; to which Mrs. Hayes + replied, that Mr. Hayes was a pitiful, lying, sneaking cur, and that she + would go where she pleased. Mr. Hayes rejoined that if she said much more + he would take a stick to her. Mr. Wood whispered, “And serve her right.” + Mrs. Hayes thereupon swore she had stood his cowardly blows once or twice + before, but that if ever he did so again, as sure as she was born, she + would stab him. Mr. Wood said, “Curse me, but I like her spirit.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hayes took another line of argument, and said, “The neighbours would + talk, madam.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, that they will, no doubt,” said Mr. Wood. + </p> + <p> + “Then let them,” said Catherine. “What do we care about the neighbours? + Didn't the neighbours talk when you sent Widow Wilkins to gaol? Didn't the + neighbours talk when you levied on poor old Thomson? You didn't mind THEN, + Mr. Hayes.” + </p> + <p> + “Business, ma'am, is business; and if I did distrain on Thomson, and lock + up Wilkins, I think you knew about it as much as I.” + </p> + <p> + “I'faith, I believe you're a pair,” said Mr. Wood. + </p> + <p> + “Pray, sir, keep your tongue to yourself. Your opinion isn't asked anyhow—no, + nor your company wanted neither,” cried Mrs. Catherine, with proper + spirit. + </p> + <p> + At which remark Mr. Wood only whistled. + </p> + <p> + “I have asked this here gentleman to pass this evening along with me. + We've been drinking together, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “That we have”, said Mr. Wood, looking at Mrs. Cat with the most perfect + good-humour. + </p> + <p> + “I say, ma'am, that we've been a-drinking together; and when we've been + a-drinking together, I say that a man is my friend. Doctor Wood is my + friend, madam—the Reverend Doctor Wood. We've passed the evening in + company, talking about politics, madam—politics and + riddle-iddle-igion. We've not been flaunting in tea-gardens, and ogling + the men.” + </p> + <p> + “It's a lie!” shrieked Mrs. Hayes. “I went with Tom—you know I did: + the boy wouldn't let me rest till I promised to go.” + </p> + <p> + “Hang him, I hate him,” said Mr. Hayes: “he's always in my way.” + </p> + <p> + “He's the only friend I have in the world, and the only being I care a pin + for,” said Catherine. + </p> + <p> + “He's an impudent idle good-for-nothing scoundrel, and I hope to see him + hanged!” shouted Mr. Hayes. “And pray, madam, whose carriage was that as + you came home in? I warrant you paid something for the ride—ha, ha!” + </p> + <p> + “Another lie!” screamed Cat, and clutched hold of a supper-knife. “Say it + again, John Hayes, and, by ——— I'll do for you.” + </p> + <p> + “Do for me? Hang me,” said Mr. Hayes, flourishing a stick, and perfectly + pot-valiant, “do you think I care for a bastard and a—?” + </p> + <p> + He did not finish the sentence, for the woman ran at him like a savage, + knife in hand. He bounded back, flinging his arms about wildly, and struck + her with his staff sharply across the forehead. The woman went down + instantly. A lucky blow was it for Hayes and her: it saved him from death, + perhaps, and her from murder. + </p> + <p> + All this scene—a very important one of our drama—might have + been described at much greater length; but, in truth, the author has a + natural horror of dwelling too long upon such hideous spectacles: nor + would the reader be much edified by a full and accurate knowledge of what + took place. The quarrel, however, though not more violent than many that + had previously taken place between Hayes and his wife, was about to cause + vast changes in the condition of this unhappy pair. + </p> + <p> + Hayes was at the first moment of his victory very much alarmed; he feared + that he had killed the woman; and Wood started up rather anxiously too, + with the same fancy. But she soon began to recover. Water was brought; her + head was raised and bound up; and in a short time Mrs. Catherine gave vent + to a copious fit of tears, which relieved her somewhat. These did not + affect Hayes much—they rather pleased him, for he saw he had got the + better; and although Cat fiercely turned upon him when he made some small + attempt towards reconciliation, he did not heed her anger, but smiled and + winked in a self-satisfied way at Wood. The coward was quite proud of his + victory; and finding Catherine asleep, or apparently so, when he followed + her to bed, speedily gave himself up to slumber too, and had some pleasant + dreams to his portion. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Wood also went sniggering and happy upstairs to his chamber. The + quarrel had been a real treat to him; it excited the old man—tickled + him into good-humour; and he promised himself a rare continuation of the + fun when Tom should be made acquainted with the circumstances of the + dispute. As for his Excellency the Count, the ride from Marylebone + Gardens, and a tender squeeze of the hand, which Catherine permitted to + him on parting, had so inflamed the passions of the nobleman, that, after + sleeping for nine hours, and taking his chocolate as usual the next + morning, he actually delayed to read the newspaper, and kept waiting a + toy-shop lady from Cornhill (with the sweetest bargain of Mechlin lace), + in order to discourse to his chaplain on the charms of Mrs. Hayes. + </p> + <p> + She, poor thing, never closed her lids, except when she would have had Mr. + Hayes imagine that she slumbered; but lay beside him, tossing and + tumbling, with hot eyes wide open and heart thumping, and pulse of a + hundred and ten, and heard the heavy hours tolling; and at last the day + came peering, haggard, through the window-curtains, and found her still + wakeful and wretched. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes had never been, as we have seen, especially fond of her lord; + but now, as the day made visible to her the sleeping figure and + countenance of that gentleman, she looked at him with a contempt and + loathing such as she had never felt even in all the years of her wedded + life. Mr. Hayes was snoring profoundly: by his bedside, on his ledger, + stood a large greasy tin candlestick, containing a lank tallow-candle, + turned down in the shaft; and in the lower part, his keys, purse, and + tobacco-pipe; his feet were huddled up in his greasy threadbare clothes; + his head and half his sallow face muffled up in a red woollen nightcap; + his beard was of several days' growth; his mouth was wide open, and he was + snoring profoundly: on a more despicable little creature the sun never + shone. And to this sordid wretch was Catherine united for ever. What a + pretty rascal history might be read in yonder greasy day-book, which never + left the miser!—he never read in any other. Of what a treasure were + yonder keys and purse the keepers! not a shilling they guarded but was + picked from the pocket of necessity, plundered from needy wantonness, or + pitilessly squeezed from starvation. “A fool, a miser, and a coward! Why + was I bound to this wretch?” thought Catherine: “I, who am high-spirited + and beautiful (did not HE tell me so?); I who, born a beggar, have raised + myself to competence, and might have mounted—who knows whither?—if + cursed Fortune had not baulked me!” + </p> + <p> + As Mrs. Cat did not utter these sentiments, but only thought them, we have + a right to clothe her thoughts in the genteelest possible language; and, + to the best of our power, have done so. If the reader examines Mrs. + Hayes's train of reasoning, he will not, we should think, fail to perceive + how ingeniously she managed to fix all the wrong upon her husband, and yet + to twist out some consolatory arguments for her own vanity. This perverse + argumentation we have all of us, no doubt, employed in our time. How often + have we,—we poets, politicians, philosophers, family-men,—found + charming excuses for our own rascalities in the monstrous wickedness of + the world about us; how loudly have we abused the times and our + neighbours! All this devil's logic did Mrs. Catherine, lying wakeful in + her bed on the night of the Marylebone fete, exert in gloomy triumph. + </p> + <p> + It must, however, be confessed, that nothing could be more just than Mrs. + Hayes's sense of her husband's scoundrelism and meanness; for if we have + not proved these in the course of this history, we have proved nothing. + Mrs. Cat had a shrewd observing mind; and if she wanted for proofs against + Hayes, she had but to look before and about her to find them. This amiable + pair were lying in a large walnut-bed, with faded silk furniture, which + had been taken from under a respectable old invalid widow, who had become + security for a prodigal son; the room was hung round with an antique + tapestry (representing Rebecca at the Well, Bathsheba Bathing, Judith and + Holofernes, and other subjects from Holy Writ), which had been many score + times sold for fifty pounds, and bought back by Mr. Hayes for two, in + those accommodating bargains which he made with young gentlemen, who + received fifty pounds of money and fifty of tapestry in consideration of + their hundred-pound bills. Against this tapestry, and just cutting off + Holofernes's head, stood an enormous ominous black clock, the spoil of + some other usurious transaction. Some chairs, and a dismal old black + cabinet, completed the furniture of this apartment: it wanted but a ghost + to render its gloom complete. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes sat up in the bed sternly regarding her husband. There is, be + sure, a strong magnetic influence in wakeful eyes so examining a sleeping + person (do not you, as a boy, remember waking of bright summer mornings + and finding your mother looking over you? had not the gaze of her tender + eyes stolen into your senses long before you woke, and cast over your + slumbering spirit a sweet spell of peace, and love, and fresh springing + joy?) Some such influence had Catherine's looks upon her husband: for, as + he slept under them, the man began to writhe about uneasily, and to burrow + his head in the pillow, and to utter quick, strange moans and cries, such + as have often jarred one's ear while watching at the bed of the feverish + sleeper. It was just upon six, and presently the clock began to utter + those dismal grinding sounds, which issue from clocks at such periods, and + which sound like the death-rattle of the departing hour. Then the bell + struck the knell of it; and with this Mr. Hayes awoke, and looked up, and + saw Catherine gazing at him. + </p> + <p> + Their eyes met for an instant, and Catherine turned away, burning red, and + looking as if she had been caught in the commission of a crime. + </p> + <p> + A kind of blank terror seized upon old Hayes's soul: a horrible icy fear, + and presentiment of coming evil; and yet the woman had but looked at him. + He thought rapidly over the occurrences of the last night, the quarrel, + and the end of it. He had often struck her before when angry, and heaped + all kinds of bitter words upon her; but, in the morning, she bore no + malice, and the previous quarrel was forgotten, or, at least, passed over. + Why should the last night's dispute not have the same end? Hayes + calculated all this, and tried to smile. + </p> + <p> + “I hope we're friends, Cat?” said he. “You know I was in liquor last + night, and sadly put out by the loss of that fifty pound. They'll ruin me, + dear—I know they will.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes did not answer. + </p> + <p> + “I should like to see the country again, dear,” said he, in his most + wheedling way. “I've a mind, do you know, to call in all our money? It's + you who've made every farthing of it, that's sure; and it's a matter of + two thousand pound by this time. Suppose we go into Warwickshire, Cat, and + buy a farm, and live genteel. Shouldn't you like to live a lady in your + own county again? How they'd stare at Birmingham! hey, Cat?” + </p> + <p> + And with this Mr. Hayes made a motion as if he would seize his wife's + hand, but she flung his back again. + </p> + <p> + “Coward!” said she, “you want liquor to give you courage, and then you've + only heart enough to strike women.” + </p> + <p> + “It was only in self-defence, my dear,” said Hayes, whose courage had all + gone. “You tried, you know, to—to—” + </p> + <p> + “To STAB you, and I wish I had!” said Mrs. Hayes, setting her teeth, and + glaring at him like a demon; and so saying she sprung out of bed. There + was a great stain of blood on her pillow. “Look at it,” said she. “That + blood's of your shedding!” and at this Hayes fairly began to weep, so + utterly downcast and frightened was the miserable man. The wretch's tears + only inspired his wife with a still greater rage and loathing; she cared + not so much for the blow, but she hated the man: the man to whom she was + tied for ever—for ever! The bar between her and wealth, happiness, + love, rank perhaps. “If I were free,” thought Mrs. Hayes (the thought had + been sitting at her pillow all night, and whispering ceaselessly into her + ear)—, “If I were free, Max would marry me; I know he would:—he + said so yesterday!” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + As if by a kind of intuition, old Wood seemed to read all this woman's + thoughts; for he said that day with a sneer, that he would wager she was + thinking how much better it would be to be a Count's lady than a poor + miser's wife. “And faith,” said he, “a Count and a chariot-and-six is + better than an old skinflint with a cudgel.” And then he asked her if her + head was better, and supposed that she was used to beating; and cut sundry + other jokes, which made the poor wretch's wounds of mind and body feel a + thousand times sorer. + </p> + <p> + Tom, too, was made acquainted with the dispute, and swore his accustomed + vengeance against his stepfather. Such feelings, Wood, with a dexterous + malice, would never let rest; it was his joy, at first quite a + disinterested one, to goad Catherine and to frighten Hayes: though, in + truth, that unfortunate creature had no occasion for incitements from + without to keep up the dreadful state of terror and depression into which + he had fallen. + </p> + <p> + For, from the morning after the quarrel, the horrible words and looks of + Catherine never left Hayes's memory; but a cold fear followed him—a + dreadful prescience. He strove to overcome this fate as a coward would—to + kneel to it for compassion—to coax and wheedle it into forgiveness. + He was slavishly gentle to Catherine, and bore her fierce taunts with mean + resignation. He trembled before young Billings, who was now established in + the house (his mother said, to protect her against the violence of her + husband), and suffered his brutal language and conduct without venturing + to resist. + </p> + <p> + The young man and his mother lorded over the house: Hayes hardly dared to + speak in their presence; seldom sat with the family except at meals; but + slipped away to his chamber (he slept apart now from his wife) or passed + the evening at the public-house, where he was constrained to drink—to + spend some of his beloved sixpences for drink! + </p> + <p> + And, of course, the neighbours began to say, “John Hayes neglects his + wife.” “He tyrannises over her, and beats her.” “Always at the + public-house, leaving an honest woman alone at home!” + </p> + <p> + The unfortunate wretch did NOT hate his wife. He was used to her—fond + of her as much as he could be fond—sighed to be friends with her + again—repeatedly would creep, whimpering, to Wood's room, when the + latter was alone, and begged him to bring about a reconciliation. They + WERE reconciled, as much as ever they could be. The woman looked at him, + thought what she might be but for him, and scorned and loathed him with a + feeling that almost amounted to insanity. What nights she lay awake, + weeping, and cursing herself and him! His humility and beseeching looks + only made him more despicable and hateful to her. + </p> + <p> + If Hayes did not hate the mother, however, he hated the boy—hated + and feared him dreadfully. He would have poisoned him if he had had the + courage; but he dared not: he dared not even look at him as he sat there, + the master of the house, in insolent triumph. O God! how the lad's brutal + laughter rung in Hayes's ears; and how the stare of his fierce bold black + eyes pursued him! Of a truth, if Mr. Wood loved mischief, as he did, + honestly and purely for mischief's sake, he had enough here. There was + mean malice, and fierce scorn, and black revenge, and sinful desire, + boiling up in the hearts of these wretched people, enough to content Mr. + Wood's great master himself. + </p> + <p> + Hayes's business, as we have said, was nominally that of a carpenter; but + since, for the last few years, he had added to it that of a lender of + money, the carpenter's trade had been neglected altogether for one so much + more profitable. Mrs. Hayes had exerted herself, with much benefit to her + husband, in his usurious business. She was a resolute, clear-sighted, keen + woman, that did not love money, but loved to be rich and push her way in + the world. She would have nothing to do with the trade now, however, and + told her husband to manage it himself. She felt that she was separated + from him for ever, and could no more be brought to consider her interests + as connected with his own. + </p> + <p> + The man was well fitted for the creeping and niggling of his dastardly + trade; and gathered his moneys, and busied himself with his lawyer, and + acted as his own bookkeeper and clerk, not without satisfaction. His + wife's speculations, when they worked in concert, used often to frighten + him. He never sent out his capital without a pang, and only because he + dared not question her superior judgment and will. He began now to lend no + more: he could not let the money out of his sight. His sole pleasure was + to creep up into his room, and count and recount it. When Billings came + into the house, Hayes had taken a room next to that of Wood. It was a + protection to him; for Wood would often rebuke the lad for using Hayes + ill: and both Catherine and Tom treated the old man with deference. + </p> + <p> + At last—it was after he had collected a good deal of his money—Hayes + began to reason with himself, “Why should I stay?—stay to be + insulted by that boy, or murdered by him? He is ready for any crime.” He + determined to fly. He would send Catherine money every year. No—she + had the furniture; let her let lodgings—that would support her. He + would go, and live away, abroad in some cheap place—away from that + boy and his horrible threats. The idea of freedom was agreeable to the + poor wretch; and he began to wind up his affairs as quickly as he could. + </p> + <p> + Hayes would now allow no one to make his bed or enter his room; and Wood + could hear him through the panels fidgeting perpetually to and fro, + opening and shutting of chests, and clinking of coin. At the least sound + he would start up, and would go to Billings's door and listen. Wood used + to hear him creeping through the passages, and returning stealthily to his + own chamber. + </p> + <p> + One day the woman and her son had been angrily taunting him in the + presence of a neighbour. The neighbour retired soon; and Hayes, who had + gone with him to the door, heard, on returning, the voice of Wood in the + parlour. The old man laughed in his usual saturnine way, and said, “Have a + care, Mrs. Cat; for if Hayes were to die suddenly, by the laws, the + neighbours would accuse thee of his death.” + </p> + <p> + Hayes started as if he had been shot. “He too is in the plot,” thought he. + “They are all leagued against me: they WILL kill me: they are only biding + their time.” Fear seized him, and he thought of flying that instant and + leaving all; and he stole into his room and gathered his money together. + But only a half of it was there: in a few weeks all would have come in. He + had not the heart to go. But that night Wood heard Hayes pause at HIS + door, before he went to listen at Mrs. Catherine's. “What is the man + thinking of?” said Wood. “He is gathering his money together. Has he a + hoard yonder unknown to us all?” + </p> + <p> + Wood thought he would watch him. There was a closet between the two rooms: + Wood bored a hole in the panel, and peeped through. Hayes had a brace of + pistols, and four or five little bags before him on the table. One of + these he opened, and placed, one by one, five-and-twenty guineas into it. + Such a sum had been due that day—Catherine spoke of it only in the + morning; for the debtor's name had by chance been mentioned in the + conversation. Hayes commonly kept but a few guineas in the house. For what + was he amassing all these? The next day, Wood asked for change for a + twenty-pound bill. Hayes said he had but three guineas. And, when asked by + Catherine where the money was that was paid the day before, said that it + was at the banker's. “The man is going to fly,” said Wood; “that is sure: + if he does, I know him—he will leave his wife without a shilling.” + </p> + <p> + He watched him for several days regularly: two or three more bags were + added to the former number. “They are pretty things, guineas,” thought + Wood, “and tell no tales, like bank-bills.” And he thought over the days + when he and Macshane used to ride abroad in search of them. + </p> + <p> + I don't know what thoughts entered into Mr. Wood's brain; but the next + day, after seeing young Billings, to whom he actually made a present of a + guinea, that young man, in conversing with his mother, said, “Do you know, + mother, that if you were free, and married the Count, I should be a lord? + It's the German law, Mr. Wood says; and you know he was in them countries + with Marlborough.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, that he would,” said Mr. Wood, “in Germany: but Germany isn't + England; and it's no use talking of such things.” + </p> + <p> + “Hush, child!” said Mrs. Hayes, quite eagerly: “how can <i>I</i> marry the + Count? Besides, a'n't I married, and isn't he too great a lord for me?” + </p> + <p> + “Too great a lord?—not a whit, mother. If it wasn't for Hayes, I + might be a lord now. He gave me five guineas only last week; but curse the + skinflint who never will part with a shilling.” + </p> + <p> + “It's not so bad as his striking your mother, Tom. I had my stick up, and + was ready to fell him t'other night,” added Mr. Wood. And herewith he + smiled, and looked steadily in Mrs. Catherine's face. She dared not look + again; but she felt that the old man knew a secret that she had been + trying to hide from herself. Fool! he knew it; and Hayes knew it dimly: + and never, never, since that day of the gala, had it left her, sleeping or + waking. When Hayes, in his fear, had proposed to sleep away from her, she + started with joy: she had been afraid that she might talk in her sleep, + and so let slip her horrible confession. + </p> + <p> + Old Wood knew all her history since the period of the Marylebone fete. He + had wormed it out of her, day by day; he had counselled her how to act; + warned her not to yield; to procure, at least, a certain provision for her + son, and a handsome settlement for herself, if she determined on quitting + her husband. The old man looked on the business in a proper philosophical + light, told her bluntly that he saw she was bent upon going off with the + Count, and bade her take precautions: else she might be left as she had + been before. + </p> + <p> + Catherine denied all these charges; but she saw the Count daily, + notwithstanding, and took all the measures which Wood had recommended to + her. They were very prudent ones. Galgenstein grew hourly more in love: + never had he felt such a flame; not in the best days of his youth; not for + the fairest princess, countess, or actress, from Vienna to Paris. + </p> + <p> + At length—it was the night after he had seen Hayes counting his + money-bags—old Wood spoke to Mrs. Hayes very seriously. “That + husband of yours, Cat,” said he, “meditates some treason; ay, and fancies + we are about such. He listens nightly at your door and at mine: he is + going to leave you, be sure on't; and if he leaves you, he leaves you to + starve.” + </p> + <p> + “I can be rich elsewhere,” said Mrs. Cat. + </p> + <p> + “What, with Max?” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, with Max: and why not?” said Mrs. Hayes. + </p> + <p> + “Why not, fool! Do you recollect Birmingham? Do you think that + Galgenstein, who is so tender now because he HASN'T won you, will be + faithful because he HAS? Psha, woman, men are not made so! Don't go to him + until you are sure: if you were a widow now, he would marry you; but never + leave yourself at his mercy: if you were to leave your husband to go to + him, he would desert you in a fortnight!” + </p> + <p> + She might have been a Countess! she knew she might, but for this cursed + barrier between her and her fortune. Wood knew what she was thinking of, + and smiled grimly. + </p> + <p> + “Besides,” he continued, “remember Tom. As sure as you leave Hayes without + some security from Max, the boy's ruined: he who might be a lord, if his + mother had but—Psha! never mind: that boy will go on the road, as + sure as my name's Wood. He's a Turpin cock in his eye, my dear,—a + regular Tyburn look. He knows too many of that sort already; and is too + fond of a bottle and a girl to resist and be honest when it comes to the + pinch.” + </p> + <p> + “It's all true,” said Mrs. Hayes. “Tom's a high mettlesome fellow, and + would no more mind a ride on Hounslow Heath than he does a walk now in the + Mall.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you want him hanged, my dear?” said Wood. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Doctor!” + </p> + <p> + “It IS a pity, and that's sure,” concluded Mr. Wood, knocking the ashes + out of his pipe, and closing this interesting conversation. “It is a pity + that that old skinflint should be in the way of both your fortunes; and he + about to fling you over, too!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Catherine retired musing, as Mr. Billings had previously done; a + sweet smile of contentment lighted up the venerable features of Doctor + Wood, and he walked abroad into the streets as happy a fellow as any in + London. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. TREATS OF LOVE, AND PREPARES FOR DEATH. + </h2> + <p> + And to begin this chapter, we cannot do better than quote a part of a + letter from M. l'Abbe O'Flaherty to Madame la Comtesse de X——-at + Paris: + </p> + <p> + “MADAM,—The little Arouet de Voltaire, who hath come 'hither to take + a turn in England,' as I see by the Post of this morning, hath brought me + a charming pacquet from your Ladyship's hands, which ought to render a + reasonable man happy; but, alas! makes your slave miserable. I think of + dear Paris (and something more dear than all Paris, of which, Madam, I may + not venture to speak further)—I think of dear Paris, and find myself + in this dismal Vitehall, where, when the fog clears up, I can catch a + glimpse of muddy Thames, and of that fatal palace which the kings of + England have been obliged to exchange for your noble castle of Saint + Germains, that stands so stately by silver Seine. Truly, no bad bargain. + For my part, I would give my grand ambassadorial saloons, hangings, + gildings, feasts, valets, ambassadors and all, for a bicoque in sight of + the Thuilleries' towers, or my little cell in the Irlandois. + </p> + <p> + “My last sheets have given you a pretty notion of our ambassador's public + doings; now for a pretty piece of private scandal respecting that great + man. Figure to yourself, Madam, his Excellency is in love; actually in + love, talking day and night about a certain fair one whom he hath picked + out of a gutter; who is well nigh forty years old; who was his mistress + when he was in England a captain of dragoons, some sixty, seventy, or a + hundred years since; who hath had a son by him, moreover, a sprightly lad, + apprentice to a tailor of eminence that has the honour of making his + Excellency's breeches. + </p> + <p> + “Since one fatal night when he met this fair creature at a certain place + of publique resort, called Marylebone Gardens, our Cyrus hath been an + altered creature. Love hath mastered this brainless ambassador, and his + antics afford me food for perpetual mirth. He sits now opposite to me at a + table inditing a letter to his Catherine, and copying it from—what + do you think?—from the 'Grand Cyrus.' 'I swear, madam, that my + happiness would be to offer you this hand, as I have my heart long ago, + and I beg you to bear in mind this declaration.' I have just dictated to + him the above tender words; for our Envoy, I need not tell you, is not + strong at writing or thinking. + </p> + <p> + “The fair Catherine, I must tell you, is no less than a carpenter's wife, + a well-to-do bourgeois, living at the Tyburn, or Gallows Road. She found + out her ancient lover very soon after our arrival, and hath a marvellous + hankering to be a Count's lady. A pretty little creature is this Madam + Catherine. Billets, breakfasts, pretty walks, presents of silks and + satins, pass daily between the pair; but, strange to say, the lady is as + virtuous as Diana, and hath resisted all my Count's cajoleries hitherto. + The poor fellow told me, with tears in his eyes, that he believed he + should have carried her by storm on the very first night of their meeting, + but that her son stepped into the way; and he or somebody else hath been + in the way ever since. Madam will never appear alone. I believe it is this + wondrous chastity of the lady that has elicited this wondrous constancy of + the gentleman. She is holding out for a settlement; who knows if not for a + marriage? Her husband, she says, is ailing; her lover is fool enough, and + she herself conducts her negotiations, as I must honestly own, with a + pretty notion of diplomacy.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + This is the only part of the reverend gentleman's letter that directly + affects this history. The rest contains some scandal concerning greater + personages about the Court, a great share of abuse of the Elector of + Hanover, and a pretty description of a boxing-match at Mr. Figg's + amphitheatre in Oxford Road, where John Wells, of Edmund Bury (as by the + papers may be seen), master of the noble science of self-defence, did + engage with Edward Sutton, of Gravesend, master of the said science; and + the issue of the combat. + </p> + <p> + “N. B.”—adds the Father, in a postscript—“Monsieur Figue gives + a hat to be cudgelled for before the Master mount; and the whole of this + fashionable information hath been given me by Monseigneur's son, Monsieur + Billings, garcon-tailleur, Chevalier de Galgenstein.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings was, in fact, a frequent visitor at the Ambassador's house; + to whose presence he, by a general order, was always admitted. As for the + connection between Mrs. Catherine and her former admirer, the Abbe's + history of it is perfectly correct; nor can it be said that this wretched + woman, whose tale now begins to wear a darker hue, was, in anything but + SOUL, faithless to her husband. But she hated him, longed to leave him, + and loved another: the end was coming quickly, and every one of our + unknowing actors and actresses were to be implicated, more or less, in the + catastrophe. + </p> + <p> + It will be seen that Mrs. Cat had followed pretty closely the injunctions + of Mr. Wood in regard to her dealings with the Count; who grew more + heart-stricken and tender daily, as the completion of his wishes was + delayed, and his desires goaded by contradiction. The Abbe has quoted one + portion of a letter written by him; here is the entire performance, + extracted, as the holy father said, chiefly from the romance of the “Grand + Cyrus”. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Unhappy Maximilian unto unjust Catherina. +</pre> + <p> + “MADAM,—It must needs be that I love you better than any ever did, + since, notwithstanding your injustice in calling me perfidious, I love you + no less than I did before. On the contrary, my passion is so violent, and + your unjust accusation makes me so sensible of it, that if you did but + know the resentments of my soule, you would confess your selfe the most + cruell and unjust woman in the world. You shall, ere long, Madam, see me + at your feete; and as you were my first passion, so you will be my last. + </p> + <p> + “On my knees I will tell you, at the first handsom opportunity, that the + grandure of my passion can only be equalled by your beauty; it hath driven + me to such a fatall necessity, as that I cannot hide the misery which you + have caused. Sure, the hostil goddes have, to plague me, ordayned that + fatal marridge, by which you are bound to one so infinitly below you in + degree. Were that bond of ill-omind Hymen cut in twayn witch binds you, I + swear, Madam, that my happiniss woulde be to offer you this hande, as I + have my harte long agoe. And I praye you to beare in minde this + declaracion, which I here sign with my hande, and witch I pray you may one + day be called upon to prove the truth on. Beleave me, Madam, that there is + none in the World who doth more honor to your vertue than myselfe, nor who + wishes your happinesse with more zeal than—MAXIMILIAN. + </p> + <p> + “From my lodgings in Whitehall, this 25th of February. + </p> + <p> + “To the incomparable Catherina, these, with a scarlet satten petticoat.” + </p> + <p> + The Count had debated about the sentence promising marriage in event of + Hayes's death; but the honest Abbe cut these scruples very short, by + saying, justly, that, because he wrote in that manner, there was no need + for him to act so; that he had better not sign and address the note in + full; and that he presumed his Excellency was not quite so timid as to + fancy that the woman would follow him all the way to Germany, when his + diplomatic duties would be ended; as they would soon. + </p> + <p> + The receipt of this billet caused such a flush of joy and exultation to + unhappy happy Mrs. Catherine, that Wood did not fail to remark it, and + speedily learned the contents of the letter. Wood had no need to bid the + poor wretch guard it very carefully: it never from that day forth left + her; it was her title of nobility,—her pass to rank, wealth, + happiness. She began to look down on her neighbours; her manner to her + husband grew more than ordinarily scornful; the poor vain wretch longed to + tell her secret, and to take her place openly in the world. She a + Countess, and Tom a Count's son! She felt that she should royally become + the title! + </p> + <p> + About this time—and Hayes was very much frightened at the prevalence + of the rumour—it suddenly began to be about in his quarter that he + was going to quit the country. The story was in everybody's mouth; people + used to sneer when he turned pale, and wept, and passionately denied it. + </p> + <p> + It was said, too, that Mrs. Hayes was not his wife, but his mistress—everybody + had this story—his mistress, whom he treated most cruelly, and was + about to desert. The tale of the blow which had felled her to the ground + was known in all quarters. When he declared that the woman tried to stab + him, nobody believed him: the women said he would have been served right + if she had done so. How had these stories gone abroad? “Three days more, + and I WILL fly,” thought Hayes; “and the world may say what it pleases.” + </p> + <p> + Ay, fool, fly—away so swiftly that Fate cannot overtake thee: hide + so cunningly that Death shall not find thy place of refuge! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. BEING A PREPARATION FOR THE END. + </h2> + <p> + The reader, doubtless, doth now partly understand what dark acts of + conspiracy are beginning to gather around Mr. Hayes; and possibly hath + comprehended— + </p> + <p> + 1. That if the rumour was universally credited which declared that Mrs. + Catherine was only Hayes's mistress, and not his wife, + </p> + <p> + She might, if she so inclined, marry another person; and thereby not + injure her fame and excite wonderment, but actually add to her reputation. + </p> + <p> + 2. That if all the world did steadfastly believe that Mr. Hayes intended + to desert this woman, after having cruelly maltreated her, + </p> + <p> + The direction which his journey might take would be of no consequence; and + he might go to Highgate, to Edinburgh, to Constantinople, nay, down a + well, and no soul would care to ask whither he had gone. + </p> + <p> + These points Mr. Hayes had not considered duly. The latter case had been + put to him, and annoyed him, as we have seen; the former had actually been + pressed upon him by Mrs. Hayes herself; who, in almost the only + communication she had had with him since their last quarrel, had asked + him, angrily, in the presence of Wood and her son, whether he had dared to + utter such lies, and how it came to pass that the neighbours looked + scornfully at her, and avoided her? + </p> + <p> + To this charge Mr. Hayes pleaded, very meekly, that he was not guilty; and + young Billings, taking him by the collar, and clinching his fist in his + face, swore a dreadful oath that he would have the life of him if he dared + abuse his mother. Mrs. Hayes then spoke of the general report abroad, that + he was going to desert her; which, if he attempted to do, Mr. Billings + vowed that he would follow him to Jerusalem and have his blood. These + threats, and the insolent language of young Billings, rather calmed Hayes + than agitated him: he longed to be on his journey; but he began to hope + that no obstacle would be placed in the way of it. For the first time + since many days, he began to enjoy a feeling something akin to security, + and could look with tolerable confidence towards a comfortable completion + of his own schemes of treason. + </p> + <p> + These points being duly settled, we are now arrived, O public, at a point + for which the author's soul hath been yearning ever since this history + commenced. We are now come, O critic, to a stage of the work when this + tale begins to assume an appearance so interestingly horrific, that you + must have a heart of stone if you are not interested by it. O candid and + discerning reader, who art sick of the hideous scenes of brutal bloodshed + which have of late come forth from pens of certain eminent wits,[*] if you + turn away disgusted from the book, remember that this passage hath not + been written for you, or such as you, who have taste to know and hate the + style in which it hath been composed; but for the public, which hath no + such taste:—for the public, which can patronise four different + representations of Jack Sheppard,—for the public whom its literary + providers have gorged with blood and foul Newgate garbage,—and to + whom we poor creatures, humbly following at the tail of our great + high-priests and prophets of the press, may, as in duty bound, offer some + small gift of our own: a little mite truly, but given with good-will. Come + up, then, fair Catherine and brave Count;—appear, gallant Brock, and + faultless Billings;—hasten hither, honest John Hayes: the former + chapters are but flowers in which we have been decking you for the + sacrifice. Ascend to the altar, ye innocent lambs, and prepare for the + final act: lo! the knife is sharpened, and the sacrificer ready! Stretch + your throats, sweet ones,—for the public is thirsty, and must have + blood! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This was written in 1840. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER THE LAST. + </h2> + <p> + That Mr. Hayes had some notion of the attachment of Monsieur de + Galgenstein for his wife is very certain: the man could not but perceive + that she was more gaily dressed, and more frequently absent than usual; + and must have been quite aware that from the day of the quarrel until the + present period, Catherine had never asked him for a shilling for the house + expenses. He had not the heart to offer, however; nor, in truth, did she + seem to remember that money was due. + </p> + <p> + She received, in fact, many sums from the tender Count. Tom was likewise + liberally provided by the same personage; who was, moreover, continually + sending presents of various kinds to the person on whom his affections + were centred. + </p> + <p> + One of these gifts was a hamper of choice mountain-wine, which had been + some weeks in the house, and excited the longing of Mr. Hayes, who loved + wine very much. This liquor was generally drunk by Wood and Billings, who + applauded it greatly; and many times, in passing through the back-parlour,—which + he had to traverse in order to reach the stair, Hayes had cast a tender + eye towards the drink; of which, had he dared, he would have partaken. + </p> + <p> + On the 1st of March, in the year 1726, Mr. Hayes had gathered together + almost the whole sum with which he intended to decamp; and having on that + very day recovered the amount of a bill which he thought almost hopeless, + he returned home in tolerable good-humour; and feeling, so near was his + period of departure, something like security. Nobody had attempted the + least violence on him: besides, he was armed with pistols, had his money + in bills in a belt about his person, and really reasoned with himself that + there was no danger for him to apprehend. + </p> + <p> + He entered the house about dusk, at five o'clock. Mrs. Hayes was absent + with Mr. Billings; only Mr. Wood was smoking, according to his wont, in + the little back-parlour; and as Mr. Hayes passed, the old gentleman + addressed him in a friendly voice, and, wondering that he had been such a + stranger, invited him to sit and take a glass of wine. There was a light + and a foreman in the shop; Mr. Hayes gave his injunctions to that person, + and saw no objection to Mr. Wood's invitation. + </p> + <p> + The conversation, at first a little stiff between the two gentlemen, began + speedily to grow more easy and confidential: and so particularly bland and + good-humoured was Mr., or Doctor Wood, that his companion was quite + caught, and softened by the charm of his manner; and the pair became as + good friends as in the former days of their intercourse. + </p> + <p> + “I wish you would come down sometimes of evenings,” quoth Doctor Wood; + “for, though no book-learned man, Mr. Hayes, look you, you are a man of + the world, and I can't abide the society of boys. There's Tom, now, since + this tiff with Mrs. Cat, the scoundrel plays the Grank Turk here! The pair + of 'em, betwixt them, have completely gotten the upper hand of you. + Confess that you are beaten, Master Hayes, and don't like the boy?” + </p> + <p> + “No more I do,” said Hayes; “and that's the truth on't. A man doth not + like to have his wife's sins flung in his face, nor to be perpetually + bullied in his own house by such a fiery sprig as that.” + </p> + <p> + “Mischief, sir,—mischief only,” said Wood: “'tis the fun of youth, + sir, and will go off as age comes to the lad. Bad as you may think him—and + he is as skittish and fierce, sure enough, as a young colt—-there is + good stuff in him; and though he hath, or fancies he hath, the right to + abuse every one, by the Lord he will let none others do so! Last week, + now, didn't he tell Mrs. Cat that you served her right in the last beating + matter? and weren't they coming to knives, just as in your case? By my + faith, they were. Ay, and at the “Braund's Head,” when some fellow said + that you were a bloody Bluebeard, and would murder your wife, stab me if + Tom wasn't up in an instant and knocked the fellow down for abusing of + you!” + </p> + <p> + The first of these stories was quite true; the second was only a + charitable invention of Mr. Wood, and employed, doubtless, for the amiable + purpose of bringing the old and young men together. The scheme partially + succeeded; for, though Hayes was not so far mollified towards Tom as to + entertain any affection for a young man whom he had cordially detested + ever since he knew him, yet he felt more at ease and cheerful regarding + himself: and surely not without reason. While indulging in these + benevolent sentiments, Mrs. Catherine and her son arrived, and found, + somewhat to their astonishment, Mr. Hayes seated in the back-parlour, as + in former times; and they were invited by Mr. Wood to sit down and drink. + </p> + <p> + We have said that certain bottles of mountain-wine were presented by the + Count to Mrs. Catherine: these were, at Mr. Wood's suggestion, produced; + and Hayes, who had long been coveting them, was charmed to have an + opportunity to drink his fill. He forthwith began bragging of his great + powers as a drinker, and vowed that he could manage eight bottles without + becoming intoxicated. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Wood grinned strangely, and looked in a peculiar way at Tom Billings, + who grinned too. Mrs. Cat's eyes were turned towards the ground: but her + face was deadly pale. + </p> + <p> + The party began drinking. Hayes kept up his reputation as a toper, and + swallowed one, two, three bottles without wincing. He grew talkative and + merry, and began to sing songs and to cut jokes; at which Wood laughed + hugely, and Billings after him. Mrs. Cat could not laugh; but sat silent. + </p> + <p> + What ailed her? Was she thinking of the Count? She had been with Max that + day, and had promised him, for the next night at ten, an interview near + his lodgings at Whitehall. It was the first time that she would see him + alone. They were to meet (not a very cheerful place for a love-tryst) at + St. Margaret's churchyard, near Westminster Abbey. Of this, no doubt, Cat + was thinking; but what could she mean by whispering to Wood, “No, no! for + God's sake, not tonight!” + </p> + <p> + “She means we are to have no more liquor,” said Wood to Mr. Hayes; who + heard this sentence, and seemed rather alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “That's it,—no more liquor,” said Catherine eagerly; “you have had + enough to-night. Go to bed, and lock your door, and sleep, Mr. Hayes.” + </p> + <p> + “But I say I've NOT had enough drink!” screamed Hayes; “I'm good for five + bottles more, and wager I will drink them too.” + </p> + <p> + “Done, for a guinea!” said Wood. + </p> + <p> + “Done, and done!” said Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Be YOU quiet!” growled Hayes, scowling at the lad. “I will drink what I + please, and ask no counsel of yours.” And he muttered some more curses + against young Billings, which showed what his feelings were towards his + wife's son; and which the latter, for a wonder, only received with a + scornful smile, and a knowing look at Wood. + </p> + <p> + Well! the five extra bottles were brought, and drunk by Mr. Hayes; and + seasoned by many songs from the recueil of Mr. Thomas d'Urfey and others. + The chief part of the talk and merriment was on Hayes's part; as, indeed, + was natural,—for, while he drank bottle after bottle of wine, the + other two gentlemen confined themselves to small beer,—both pleading + illness as an excuse for their sobriety. + </p> + <p> + And now might we depict, with much accuracy, the course of Mr. Hayes's + intoxication, as it rose from the merriment of the three-bottle point to + the madness of the four—from the uproarious quarrelsomeness of the + sixth bottle to the sickly stupidity of the seventh; but we are desirous + of bringing this tale to a conclusion, and must pretermit all + consideration of a subject so curious, so instructive, and so delightful. + Suffice it to say, as a matter of history, that Mr. Hayes did actually + drink seven bottles of mountain-wine; and that Mr. Thomas Billings went to + the “Braund's Head,” in Bond Street, and purchased another, which Hayes + likewise drank. + </p> + <p> + “That'll do,” said Mr. Wood to young Billings; and they led Hayes up to + bed, whither, in truth, he was unable to walk himself. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Mrs. Springatt, the lodger, came down to ask what the noise was. “'Tis + only Tom Billings making merry with some friends from the country,” + answered Mrs. Hayes; whereupon Springatt retired, and the house was quiet. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Some scuffling and stamping was heard about eleven o'clock. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + After they had seen Mr. Hayes to bed, Billings remembered that he had a + parcel to carry to some person in the neighbourhood of the Strand; and, as + the night was remarkably fine, he and Mr. Wood agreed to walk together, + and set forth accordingly. + </p> + <p> + (Here follows a description of the THAMES AT MIDNIGHT, in a fine + historical style; with an account of Lambeth, Westminster, the Savoy, + Baynard's Castle, Arundel House, the Temple; of Old London Bridge, with + its twenty arches, “on which be houses builded, so that it seemeth rather + a continuall street than a bridge;”—of Bankside, and the “Globe” and + the “Fortune” Theatres; of the ferries across the river, and of the + pirates who infest the same—namely, tinklermen, petermen, hebbermen, + trawlermen; of the fleet of barges that lay at the Savoy steps; and of the + long lines of slim wherries sleeping on the river banks and basking and + shining in the moonbeams. A combat on the river is described, that takes + place between the crews of a tinklerman's boat and the water-bailiffs. + Shouting his war-cry, “St. Mary Overy a la rescousse!” the water-bailiff + sprung at the throat of the tinklerman captain. The crews of both vessels, + as if aware that the struggle of their chiefs would decide the contest, + ceased hostilities, and awaited on their respective poops the issue of the + death-shock. It was not long coming. “Yield, dog!” said the water-bailiff. + The tinklerman could not answer—for his throat was grasped too tight + in the iron clench of the city champion; but drawing his snickersnee, he + plunged it seven times in the bailiff's chest: still the latter fell not. + The death-rattle gurgled in the throat of his opponent; his arms fell + heavily to his side. Foot to foot, each standing at the side of his boat, + stood the brave men—THEY WERE BOTH DEAD! “In the name of St. Clement + Danes,” said the master, “give way, my men!” and, thrusting forward his + halberd (seven feet long, richly decorated with velvet and brass nails, + and having the city arms, argent, a cross gules, and in the first quarter + a dagger displayed of the second), he thrust the tinklerman's boat away + from his own; and at once the bodies of the captains plunged down, down, + down, down in the unfathomable waters. + </p> + <p> + After this follows another episode. Two masked ladies quarrel at the door + of a tavern overlooking the Thames: they turn out to be Stella and + Vanessa, who have followed Swift thither; who is in the act of reading + “Gulliver's Travels” to Gay, Arbuthnot, Bolingbroke, and Pope. Two fellows + are sitting shuddering under a doorway; to one of them Tom Billings flung + a sixpence. He little knew that the names of those two young men were—Samuel + Johnson and Richard Savage.) + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANOTHER LAST CHAPTER. + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Hayes did not join the family the next day; and it appears that the + previous night's reconciliation was not very durable; for when Mrs. + Springatt asked Wood for Hayes, Mr. Wood stated that Hayes had gone away + without saying whither he was bound, or how long he might be absent. He + only said, in rather a sulky tone, that he should probably pass the night + at a friend's house. “For my part, I know of no friend he hath,” added Mr. + Wood; “and pray Heaven that he may not think of deserting his poor wife, + whom he hath beaten and ill-used so already!” In this prayer Mrs. + Springatt joined; and so these two worthy people parted. + </p> + <p> + What business Billings was about cannot be said; but he was this night + bound towards Marylebone Fields, as he was the night before for the Strand + and Westminster; and, although the night was very stormy and rainy, as the + previous evening had been fine, old Wood good-naturedly resolved upon + accompanying him; and forth they sallied together. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Catherine, too, had HER business, as we have seen; but this was of a + very delicate nature. At nine o'clock, she had an appointment with the + Count; and faithfully, by that hour, had found her way to Saint Margaret's + churchyard, near Westminster Abbey, where she awaited Monsieur de + Galgenstein. + </p> + <p> + The spot was convenient, being very lonely, and at the same time close to + the Count's lodgings at Whitehall. His Excellency came, but somewhat after + the hour; for, to say the truth, being a freethinker, he had the most firm + belief in ghosts and demons, and did not care to pace a churchyard alone. + He was comforted, therefore, when he saw a woman muffled in a cloak, who + held out her hand to him at the gate, and said, “Is that you?” He took her + hand,—it was very clammy and cold; and at her desire he bade his + confidential footman, who had attended him with a torch, to retire, and + leave him to himself. + </p> + <p> + The torch-bearer retired, and left them quite in darkness; and the pair + entered the little cemetery, cautiously threading their way among the + tombs. They sat down on one, underneath a tree it seemed to be; the wind + was very cold, and its piteous howling was the only noise that broke the + silence of the place. Catherine's teeth were chattering, for all her + wraps; and when Max drew her close to him, and encircled her waist with + one arm, and pressed her hand, she did not repulse him, but rather came + close to him, and with her own damp fingers feebly returned his pressure. + </p> + <p> + The poor thing was very wretched and weeping. She confided to Max the + cause of her grief. She was alone in the world,—alone and penniless. + Her husband had left her; she had that very day received a letter from him + which confirmed all that she had suspected so long. He had left her, + carried away all his property, and would not return! + </p> + <p> + If we say that a selfish joy filled the breast of Monsieur de Galgenstein, + the reader will not be astonished. A heartless libertine, he felt glad at + the prospect of Catherine's ruin; for he hoped that necessity would make + her his own. He clasped the poor thing to his heart, and vowed that he + would replace the husband she had lost, and that his fortune should be + hers. + </p> + <p> + “Will you replace him?” said she. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, truly, in everything but the name, dear Catherine; and when he dies, + I swear you shall be Countess of Galgenstein.” + </p> + <p> + “Will you swear?” she cried, eagerly. + </p> + <p> + “By everything that is most sacred: were you free now, I would” (and here + he swore a terrific oath) “at once make you mine.” + </p> + <p> + We have seen before that it cost Monsieur de Galgenstein nothing to make + these vows. Hayes was likely, too, to live as long as Catherine—as + long, at least, as the Count's connection with her; but he was caught in + his own snare. + </p> + <p> + She took his hand and kissed it repeatedly, and bathed it in her tears, + and pressed it to her bosom. “Max,” she said, “I AM FREE! Be mine, and I + will love you as I have done for years and years.” + </p> + <p> + Max started back. “What, is he dead?” he said. + </p> + <p> + “No, no, not dead: but he never was my husband.” + </p> + <p> + He let go her hand, and, interrupting her, said sharply, “Indeed, madam, + if this carpenter never was your husband, I see no cause why <i>I</i> + should be. If a lady, who hath been for twenty years the mistress of a + miserable country boor, cannot find it in her heart to put up with the + protection of a nobleman—a sovereign's representative—she may + seek a husband elsewhere!” + </p> + <p> + “I was no man's mistress except yours,” sobbed Catherine, wringing her + hands and sobbing wildly; “but, O Heaven! I deserved this. Because I was a + child, and you saw, and ruined, and left me—because, in my sorrow + and repentance, I wished to repair my crime, and was touched by that man's + love, and married him—because he too deceives and leaves me—because, + after loving you—madly loving you for twenty years—I will not + now forfeit your respect, and degrade myself by yielding to your will, you + too must scorn me! It is too much—too much—O Heaven!” And the + wretched woman fell back almost fainting. + </p> + <p> + Max was almost frightened by this burst of sorrow on her part, and was + coming forward to support her; but she motioned him away, and, taking from + her bosom a letter, said, “If it were light, you could see, Max, how + cruelly I have been betrayed by that man who called himself my husband. + Long before he married me, he was married to another. This woman is still + living, he says; and he says he leaves me for ever.” + </p> + <p> + At this moment the moon, which had been hidden behind Westminster Abbey, + rose above the vast black mass of that edifice, and poured a flood of + silver light upon the little church of St. Margaret's, and the spot where + the lovers stood. Max was at a little distance from Catherine, pacing + gloomily up and down the flags. She remained at her old position at the + tombstone under the tree, or pillar, as it seemed to be, as the moon got + up. She was leaning against the pillar, and holding out to Max, with an + arm beautifully white and rounded, the letter she had received from her + husband: “Read it, Max,” she said: “I asked for light, and here is + Heaven's own, by which you may read.” + </p> + <p> + But Max did not come forward to receive it. On a sudden his face assumed a + look of the most dreadful surprise and agony. He stood still, and stared + with wild eyes starting from their sockets; he stared upwards, at a point + seemingly above Catherine's head. At last he raised up his finger slowly + and said, “Look, Cat—THE HEAD—THE HEAD!” Then uttering a + horrible laugh, he fell down grovelling among the stones, gibbering and + writhing in a fit of epilepsy. + </p> + <p> + Catherine started forward and looked up. She had been standing against a + post, not a tree—the moon was shining full on it now; and on the + summit strangely distinct, and smiling ghastly, was a livid human head. + </p> + <p> + The wretched woman fled—she dared look no more. And some hours + afterwards, when, alarmed by the Count's continued absence, his + confidential servant came back to seek for him in the churchyard, he was + found sitting on the flags, staring full at the head, and laughing, and + talking to it wildly, and nodding at it. He was taken up a hopeless idiot, + and so lived for years and years; clanking the chain, and moaning under + the lash, and howling through long nights when the moon peered through the + bars of his solitary cell, and he buried his face in the straw. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + There—the murder is out! And having indulged himself in a chapter of + the very finest writing, the author begs the attention of the British + public towards it; humbly conceiving that it possesses some of those + peculiar merits which have rendered the fine writing in other chapters of + the works of other authors so famous. + </p> + <p> + Without bragging at all, let us just point out the chief claims of the + above pleasing piece of composition. In the first place, it is perfectly + stilted and unnatural; the dialogue and the sentiments being artfully + arranged, so as to be as strong and majestic as possible. Our dear Cat is + but a poor illiterate country wench, who has come from cutting her + husband's throat; and yet, see! she talks and looks like a tragedy + princess, who is suffering in the most virtuous blank verse. This is the + proper end of fiction, and one of the greatest triumphs that a novelist + can achieve: for to make people sympathise with virtue is a vulgar trick + that any common fellow can do; but it is not everybody who can take a + scoundrel, and cause us to weep and whimper over him as though he were a + very saint. Give a young lady of five years old a skein of silk and a + brace of netting-needles, and she will in a short time turn you out a + decent silk purse—anybody can; but try her with a sow's ear, and see + whether she can make a silk purse out of THAT. That is the work for your + real great artist; and pleasant it is to see how many have succeeded in + these latter days. + </p> + <p> + The subject is strictly historical, as anyone may see by referring to the + Daily Post of March 3, 1726, which contains the following paragraph: + </p> + <p> + “Yesterday morning, early, a man's head, that by the freshness of it + seemed to have been newly cut off from the body, having its own hair on, + was found by the river's side, near Millbank, Westminster, and was + afterwards exposed to public view in St. Margaret's churchyard, where + thousands of people have seen it; but none could tell who the unhappy + person was, much less who committed such a horrid and barbarous action. + There are various conjectures relating to the deceased; but there being + nothing certain, we omit them. The head was much hacked and mangled in the + cutting off.” + </p> + <p> + The head which caused such an impression upon Monsieur de Galgenstein was, + indeed, once on the shoulders of Mr. John Hayes, who lost it under the + following circumstances. We have seen how Mr. Hayes was induced to drink. + Mr. Hayes having been encouraged in drinking the wine, and growing very + merry therewith, he sang and danced about the room; but his wife, fearing + the quantity he had drunk would not have the wished-for effect on him, she + sent away for another bottle, of which he drank also. This effectually + answered their expectations; and Mr. Hayes became thereby intoxicated, and + deprived of his understanding. + </p> + <p> + He, however, made shift to get into the other room, and, throwing himself + upon the bed, fell asleep; upon which Mrs. Hayes reminded them of the + affair in hand, and told them that was the most proper juncture to finish + the business. [*] + </p> + <hr /> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The description of the murder and the execution of the + culprits, which here follows in the original, was taken from + the newspapers of the day. Coming from such a source they + have, as may be imagined, no literary merit whatever. The + details of the crime are simply horrible, without one touch + of even that sort of romance which sometimes gives a little + dignity to murder. As such they precisely suited Mr. + Thackeray's purpose at the time—which was to show the real + manners and customs of the Sheppards and Turpins who were + then the popular heroes of fiction. But nowadays there is + no such purpose to serve, and therefore these too literal + details are omitted. + +</pre> + <hr /> + <p> + Ring, ding, ding! the gloomy green curtain drops, the dramatis personae + are duly disposed of, the nimble candle snuffers put out the lights, and + the audience goeth pondering home. If the critic take the pains to ask why + the author, who hath been so diffuse in describing the early and fabulous + acts of Mrs. Catherine's existence, should so hurry off the catastrophe + where a deal of the very finest writing might have been employed, Solomons + replies that the “ordinary” narrative is far more emphatic than any + composition of his own could be, with all the rhetorical graces which he + might employ. Mr. Aram's trial, as taken by the penny-a-liners of those + days, had always interested him more than the lengthened and poetical + report which an eminent novelist has given of the same. Mr. Turpin's + adventures are more instructive and agreeable to him in the account of the + Newgate Plutarch, than in the learned Ainsworth's Biographical Dictionary. + And as he believes that the professional gentlemen who are employed to + invest such heroes with the rewards that their great actions merit, will + go through the ceremony of the grand cordon with much more accuracy and + despatch than can be shown by the most distinguished amateur; in like + manner he thinks that the history of such investitures should be written + by people directly concerned, and not by admiring persons without, who + must be ignorant of many of the secrets of Ketchcraft. We very much doubt + if Milton himself could make a description of an execution half so + horrible as the simple lines in the Daily Post of a hundred and ten years + since, that now lies before us—“herrlich wie am ersten Tag,”—as + bright and clean as on the day of publication. Think of it! it has been + read by Belinda at her toilet, scanned at “Button's” and “Will's,” sneered + at by wits, talked of in palaces and cottages, by a busy race in wigs, red + heels, hoops, patches, and rags of all variety—a busy race that hath + long since plunged and vanished in the unfathomable gulf towards which we + march so briskly. + </p> + <p> + Where are they? “Afflavit Deus”—and they are gone! Hark! is not the + same wind roaring still that shall sweep us down? and yonder stands the + compositor at his types who shall put up a pretty paragraph some day to + say how, “Yesterday, at his house in Grosvenor Square,” or “At Botany Bay, + universally regretted,” died So-and-So. Into what profound moralities is + the paragraph concerning Mrs. Catherine's burning leading us! + </p> + <p> + Ay, truly, and to that very point have we wished to come; for, having + finished our delectable meal, it behoves us to say a word or two by way of + grace at its conclusion, and be heartily thankful that it is over. It has + been the writer's object carefully to exclude from his drama (except in + two very insignificant instances—mere walking-gentlemen parts), any + characters but those of scoundrels of the very highest degree. That he has + not altogether failed in the object he had in view, is evident from some + newspaper critiques which he has had the good fortune to see; and which + abuse the tale of “Catherine” as one of the dullest, most vulgar, and + immoral works extant. It is highly gratifying to the author to find that + such opinions are abroad, as they convince him that the taste for Newgate + literature is on the wane, and that when the public critic has right down + undisguised immorality set before him, the honest creature is shocked at + it, as he should be, and can declare his indignation in good round terms + of abuse. The characters of the tale ARE immoral, and no doubt of it; but + the writer humbly hopes the end is not so. The public was, in our notion, + dosed and poisoned by the prevailing style of literary practice, and it + was necessary to administer some medicine that would produce a wholesome + nausea, and afterwards bring about a more healthy habit. + </p> + <p> + And, thank Heaven, this effect HAS been produced in very many instances, + and that the “Catherine” cathartic has acted most efficaciously. The + author has been pleased at the disgust which his work has excited, and has + watched with benevolent carefulness the wry faces that have been made by + many of the patients who have swallowed the dose. Solomons remembers, at + the establishment in Birchin Lane where he had the honour of receiving his + education, there used to be administered to the boys a certain + cough-medicine, which was so excessively agreeable that all the lads + longed to have colds in order to partake of the remedy. Some of our + popular novelists have compounded their drugs in a similar way, and made + them so palatable that a public, once healthy and honest, has been + well-nigh poisoned by their wares. Solomons defies anyone to say the like + of himself—that his doses have been as pleasant as champagne, and + his pills as sweet as barley-sugar;—it has been his attempt to make + vice to appear entirely vicious; and in those instances where he hath + occasionally introduced something like virtue, to make the sham as evident + as possible, and not allow the meanest capacity a single chance to mistake + it. + </p> + <p> + And what has been the consequence? That wholesome nausea which it has been + his good fortune to create wherever he has been allowed to practise in his + humble circle. + </p> + <p> + Has anyone thrown away a halfpennyworth of sympathy upon any person + mentioned in this history? Surely no. But abler and more famous men than + Solomons have taken a different plan; and it becomes every man in his + vocation to cry out against such, and expose their errors as best he may. + </p> + <p> + Labouring under such ideas, Mr. Isaac Solomons, junior, produced the + romance of Mrs. Cat, and confesses himself completely happy to have + brought it to a conclusion. His poem may be dull—ay, and probably + is. The great Blackmore, the great Dennis, the great Sprat, the great + Pomfret, not to mention great men of our own time—have they not also + been dull, and had pretty reputations too? Be it granted Solomons IS dull; + but don't attack his morality; he humbly submits that, in his poem, no man + shall mistake virtue for vice, no man shall allow a single sentiment of + pity or admiration to enter his bosom for any character of the piece: it + being, from beginning to end, a scene of unmixed rascality performed by + persons who never deviate into good feeling. And although he doth not + pretend to equal the great modern authors, whom he hath mentioned, in wit + or descriptive power; yet, in the point of moral, he meekly believes that + he has been their superior; feeling the greatest disgust for the + characters he describes, and using his humble endeavour to cause the + public also to hate them. + </p> + <p> + Horsemonger Lane: January 1840. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Catherine: A Story, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CATHERINE: A STORY *** + +***** This file should be named 1969-h.htm or 1969-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/6/1969/ + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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