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diff --git a/1969.txt b/1969.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1859710 --- /dev/null +++ b/1969.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7286 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Catherine: A Story, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Catherine: A Story + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Posting Date: September 26, 2008 [EBook #1969] +Release Date: November, 1999 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CATHERINE: A STORY *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler + + + + + +CATHERINE: A STORY + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + +[Catherine, A Story by Ikey Solomons, Esq., Junior.] + + + +Contents + +Advertisement + +1. Introducing to the reader the chief personages of this narrative. + +2. In which are depicted the pleasures of a sentimental attachment. + +3. In which a narcotic is administered, and a great deal of genteel +society depicted. + +4. In which Mrs. Catherine becomes an honest woman again. + +5. Contains Mr. Brock's autobiography, and other matter. + +6. The adventures of the ambassador, Mr. MacShane. + +7. Which embraces a period of seven years. + +8. Enumerates the accomplishments of Master Thomas Billings--introduces +Brock as Doctor Wood--and announces the execution of Ensign MacShane. + +9. Interview between Count Galgenstein and Master Thomas Billings, when +he informs the Count of his parentage. + +10. Showing how Galgenstein and Mrs. Cat recognise each other in +Marylebone Gardens--and how the Count drives her home in his carrige. + +11. Of some domestic quarrels, and the consequence thereof. + +12. Treats of love, and prepares for death. + +13. Being a preparation for the end. + +Chapter the Last. + +Another Last Chapter. + + + + +ADVERTISEMENT + + +The story of "Catherine," which appeared in Fraser's Magazine in +1839-40, was written by Mr. Thackeray, under the name of Ikey Solomons, +Jun., to counteract the injurious influence of some popular fictions of +that day, which made heroes of highwaymen and burglars, and created a +false sympathy for the vicious and criminal. + +With this purpose, the author chose for the subject of his story a +woman named Catherine Hayes, who was burned at Tyburn, in 1726, for the +deliberate murder of her husband, under very revolting circumstances. +Mr. Thackeray's aim obviously was to describe the career of this +wretched woman and her associates with such fidelity to truth as to +exhibit the danger and folly of investing such persons with heroic and +romantic qualities. + + + + +CHAPTER I. Introducing to the reader the chief personages of this +narrative. + + +At that famous period of history, when the seventeenth century (after +a deal of quarrelling, king-killing, reforming, republicanising, +restoring, re-restoring, play-writing, sermon-writing, +Oliver-Cromwellising, Stuartising, and Orangising, to be sure) had sunk +into its grave, giving place to the lusty eighteenth; when Mr. Isaac +Newton was a tutor of Trinity, and Mr. Joseph Addison Commissioner of +Appeals; when the presiding genius that watched over the destinies of +the French nation had played out all the best cards in his hand, and his +adversaries began to pour in their trumps; when there were two kings in +Spain employed perpetually in running away from one another; when there +was a queen in England, with such rogues for Ministers as have never +been seen, no, not in our own day; and a General, of whom it may be +severely argued, whether he was the meanest miser or the greatest hero +in the world; when Mrs. Masham had not yet put Madam Marlborough's nose +out of joint; when people had their ears cut off for writing very +meek political pamphlets; and very large full-bottomed wigs were just +beginning to be worn with powder; and the face of Louis the Great, as +his was handed in to him behind the bed-curtains, was, when issuing +thence, observed to look longer, older, and more dismal daily.... + +About the year One thousand seven hundred and five, that is, in the +glorious reign of Queen Anne, there existed certain characters, and +befell a series of adventures, which, since they are strictly in +accordance with the present fashionable style and taste; since they have +been already partly described in the "Newgate Calendar;" since they are +(as shall be seen anon) agreeably low, delightfully disgusting, and at +the same time eminently pleasing and pathetic, may properly be set down +here. + +And though it may be said, with some considerable show of reason, that +agreeably low and delightfully disgusting characters have already been +treated, both copiously and ably, by some eminent writers of the present +(and, indeed, of future) ages; though to tread in the footsteps of +the immortal FAGIN requires a genius of inordinate stride, and to go +a-robbing after the late though deathless TURPIN, the renowned +JACK SHEPPARD, or the embryo DUVAL, may be impossible, and not an +infringement, but a wasteful indication of ill-will towards the eighth +commandment; though it may, on the one hand, be asserted that only vain +coxcombs would dare to write on subjects already described by men really +and deservedly eminent; on the other hand, that these subjects have been +described so fully, that nothing more can be said about them; on the +third hand (allowing, for the sake of argument, three hands to one +figure of speech), that the public has heard so much of them, as to +be quite tired of rogues, thieves, cutthroats, and Newgate +altogether;--though all these objections may be urged, and each is +excellent, yet we intend to take a few more pages from the "Old Bailey +Calendar," to bless the public with one more draught from the Stone +Jug:[*]--yet awhile to listen, hurdle-mounted, and riding down the +Oxford Road, to the bland conversation of Jack Ketch, and to hang with +him round the neck of his patient, at the end of our and his history. +We give the reader fair notice, that we shall tickle him with a few such +scenes of villainy, throat-cutting, and bodily suffering in general, as +are not to be found, no, not in--; never mind comparisons, for such are +odious. + + * This, as your Ladyship is aware, is the polite name for + Her Majesty's Prison of Newgate. + +In the year 1705, then, whether it was that the Queen of England did +feel seriously alarmed at the notion that a French prince should occupy +the Spanish throne; or whether she was tenderly attached to the Emperor +of Germany; or whether she was obliged to fight out the quarrel of +William of Orange, who made us pay and fight for his Dutch provinces; +or whether poor old Louis Quatorze did really frighten her; or whether +Sarah Jennings and her husband wanted to make a fight, knowing how much +they should gain by it;--whatever the reason was, it was evident that +the war was to continue, and there was almost as much soldiering +and recruiting, parading, pike and gun-exercising, flag-flying, +drum-beating, powder-blazing, and military enthusiasm, as we can all +remember in the year 1801, what time the Corsican upstart menaced our +shores. A recruiting-party and captain of Cutts's regiment (which had +been so mangled at Blenheim the year before) were now in Warwickshire; +and having their depot at Warwick, the captain and his attendant, the +corporal, were used to travel through the country, seeking for heroes to +fill up the gaps in Cutts's corps,--and for adventures to pass away the +weary time of a country life. + +Our Captain Plume and Sergeant Kite (it was at this time, by the way, +that those famous recruiting-officers were playing their pranks in +Shrewsbury) were occupied very much in the same manner with Farquhar's +heroes. They roamed from Warwick to Stratford, and from Stratford to +Birmingham, persuading the swains of Warwickshire to leave the plough +for the Pike, and despatching, from time to time, small detachments +of recruits to extend Marlborough's lines, and to act as food for the +hungry cannon at Ramillies and Malplaquet. + +Of those two gentlemen who are about to act a very important part in our +history, one only was probably a native of Britain,--we say probably, +because the individual in question was himself quite uncertain, and, it +must be added, entirely indifferent about his birthplace; but speaking +the English language, and having been during the course of his life +pretty generally engaged in the British service, he had a tolerably +fair claim to the majestic title of Briton. His name was Peter Brock, +otherwise Corporal Brock, of Lord Cutts's regiment of dragoons; he was +of age about fifty-seven (even that point has never been ascertained); +in height about five feet six inches; in weight, nearly thirteen stone; +with a chest that the celebrated Leitch himself might envy; an arm +that was like an opera-dancer's leg; a stomach so elastic that it would +accommodate itself to any given or stolen quantity of food; a great +aptitude for strong liquors; a considerable skill in singing chansons de +table of not the most delicate kind; he was a lover of jokes, of which +he made many, and passably bad; when pleased, simply coarse, boisterous, +and jovial; when angry, a perfect demon: bullying, cursing, storming, +fighting, as is sometimes the wont with gentlemen of his cloth and +education. + +Mr. Brock was strictly, what the Marquis of Rodil styled himself in a +proclamation to his soldiers after running away, a hijo de la guerra--a +child of war. Not seven cities, but one or two regiments, might contend +for the honour of giving him birth; for his mother, whose name he took, +had acted as camp-follower to a Royalist regiment; had then obeyed the +Parliamentarians; died in Scotland when Monk was commanding in that +country; and the first appearance of Mr. Brock in a public capacity +displayed him as a fifer in the General's own regiment of Coldstreamers, +when they marched from Scotland to London, and from a republic at once +into a monarchy. Since that period, Brock had been always with the army, +he had had, too, some promotion, for he spake of having a command at the +battle of the Boyne; though probably (as he never mentioned the fact) +upon the losing side. The very year before this narrative commences, +he had been one of Mordaunt's forlorn hope at Schellenberg, for which +service he was promised a pair of colours; he lost them, however, and +was almost shot (but fate did not ordain that his career should close +in that way) for drunkenness and insubordination immediately after the +battle; but having in some measure reinstated himself by a display +of much gallantry at Blenheim, it was found advisable to send him to +England for the purposes of recruiting, and remove him altogether from +the regiment where his gallantry only rendered the example of his riot +more dangerous. + +Mr. Brock's commander was a slim young gentleman of twenty-six, about +whom there was likewise a history, if one would take the trouble to +inquire. He was a Bavarian by birth (his mother being an English lady), +and enjoyed along with a dozen other brothers the title of count: eleven +of these, of course, were penniless; one or two were priests, one a +monk, six or seven in various military services, and the elder at home +at Schloss Galgenstein breeding horses, hunting wild boars, swindling +tenants, living in a great house with small means; obliged to be sordid +at home all the year, to be splendid for a month at the capital, as +is the way with many other noblemen. Our young count, Count Gustavus +Adolphus Maximilian von Galgenstein, had been in the service of the +French as page to a nobleman; then of His Majesty's gardes du corps; +then a lieutenant and captain in the Bavarian service; and when, after +the battle of Blenheim, two regiments of Germans came over to the +winning side, Gustavus Adolphus Maximilian found himself among them; and +at the epoch when this story commences, had enjoyed English pay for a +year or more. It is unnecessary to say how he exchanged into his present +regiment; how it appeared that, before her marriage, handsome John +Churchill had known the young gentleman's mother, when they were both +penniless hangers-on at Charles the Second's court;--it is, we say, +quite useless to repeat all the scandal of which we are perfectly +masters, and to trace step by step the events of his history. Here, +however, was Gustavus Adolphus, in a small inn, in a small village of +Warwickshire, on an autumn evening in the year 1705; and at the very +moment when this history begins, he and Mr. Brock, his corporal and +friend, were seated at a round table before the kitchen-fire while a +small groom of the establishment was leading up and down on the +village green, before the inn door, two black, glossy, long-tailed, +barrel-bellied, thick-flanked, arch-necked, Roman-nosed Flanders horses, +which were the property of the two gentlemen now taking their ease at +the "Bugle Inn." The two gentlemen were seated at their ease at the inn +table, drinking mountain-wine; and if the reader fancies from the sketch +which we have given of their lives, or from his own blindness and belief +in the perfectibility of human nature, that the sun of that autumn +evening shone upon any two men in county or city, at desk or harvest, at +Court or at Newgate, drunk or sober, who were greater rascals than +Count Gustavus Galgenstein and Corporal Peter Brock, he is egregiously +mistaken, and his knowledge of human nature is not worth a fig. If they +had not been two prominent scoundrels, what earthly business should we +have in detailing their histories? What would the public care for +them? Who would meddle with dull virtue, humdrum sentiment, or stupid +innocence, when vice, agreeable vice, is the only thing which the +readers of romances care to hear? + +The little horse-boy, who was leading the two black Flanders horses up +and down the green, might have put them in the stable for any good that +the horses got by the gentle exercise which they were now taking in the +cool evening air, as their owners had not ridden very far or very hard, +and there was not a hair turned of their sleek shining coats; but the +lad had been especially ordered so to walk the horses about until he +received further commands from the gentlemen reposing in the "Bugle" +kitchen; and the idlers of the village seemed so pleased with the +beasts, and their smart saddles and shining bridles, that it would have +been a pity to deprive them of the pleasure of contemplating such an +innocent spectacle. Over the Count's horse was thrown a fine red cloth, +richly embroidered in yellow worsted, a very large count's coronet and a +cipher at the four corners of the covering; and under this might be +seen a pair of gorgeous silver stirrups, and above it, a couple of +silver-mounted pistols reposing in bearskin holsters; the bit was silver +too, and the horse's head was decorated with many smart ribbons. Of the +Corporal's steed, suffice it to say, that the ornaments were in brass, +as bright, though not perhaps so valuable, as those which decorated the +Captain's animal. The boys, who had been at play on the green, first +paused and entered into conversation with the horse-boy; then the +village matrons followed; and afterwards, sauntering by ones and twos, +came the village maidens, who love soldiers as flies love treacle; +presently the males began to arrive, and lo! the parson of the parish, +taking his evening walk with Mrs. Dobbs, and the four children his +offspring, at length joined himself to his flock. + +To this audience the little ostler explained that the animals belonged +to two gentlemen now reposing at the "Bugle:" one young with gold +hair, the other old with grizzled locks; both in red coats; both in +jack-boots; putting the house into a bustle, and calling for the best. +He then discoursed to some of his own companions regarding the merits of +the horses; and the parson, a learned man, explained to the villagers, +that one of the travellers must be a count, or at least had a count's +horsecloth; pronounced that the stirrups were of real silver, and +checked the impetuosity of his son, William Nassau Dobbs, who was for +mounting the animals, and who expressed a longing to fire off one of the +pistols in the holsters. + +As this family discussion was taking place, the gentlemen whose +appearance had created so much attention came to the door of the inn, +and the elder and stouter was seen to smile at his companion; after +which he strolled leisurely over the green, and seemed to examine +with much benevolent satisfaction the assemblage of villagers who were +staring at him and the quadrupeds. + +Mr. Brock, when he saw the parson's band and cassock, took off his +beaver reverently, and saluted the divine: "I hope your reverence won't +baulk the little fellow," said he; "I think I heard him calling out for +a ride, and whether he should like my horse, or his Lordship's horse, I +am sure it is all one. Don't be afraid, sir! the horses are not tired; +we have only come seventy mile to-day, and Prince Eugene once rode a +matter of fifty-two leagues (a hundred and fifty miles), sir, upon that +horse, between sunrise and sunset." + +"Gracious powers! on which horse?" said Doctor Dobbs, very solemnly. + +"On THIS, sir,--on mine, Corporal Brock of Cutts's black gelding, +'William of Nassau.' The Prince, sir, gave it me after Blenheim fight, +for I had my own legs carried away by a cannon-ball, just as I cut down +two of Sauerkrauter's regiment, who had made the Prince prisoner." + +"Your own legs, sir!" said the Doctor. "Gracious goodness! this is more +and more astonishing!" + +"No, no, not my own legs, my horse's I mean, sir; and the Prince gave me +'William of Nassau' that very day." + +To this no direct reply was made; but the Doctor looked at Mrs. Dobbs, +and Mrs. Dobbs and the rest of the children at her eldest son, who +grinned and said, "Isn't it wonderful?" The Corporal to this answered +nothing, but, resuming his account, pointed to the other horse and said, +"THAT horse, sir--good as mine is--that horse, with the silver stirrups, +is his Excellency's horse, Captain Count Maximilian Gustavus Adolphus +von Galgenstein, captain of horse and of the Holy Roman Empire" (he +lifted here his hat with much gravity, and all the crowd, even to +the parson, did likewise). "We call him 'George of Denmark,' sir, in +compliment to Her Majesty's husband: he is Blenheim too, sir; Marshal +Tallard rode him on that day, and you know how HE was taken prisoner by +the Count." + +"George of Denmark, Marshal Tallard, William of Nassau! this is strange +indeed, most wonderful! Why, sir, little are you aware that there are +before you, AT THIS MOMENT, two other living beings who bear these +venerated names! My boys, stand forward! Look here, sir: these children +have been respectively named after our late sovereign and the husband of +our present Queen." + +"And very good names too, sir; ay, and very noble little fellows too; +and I propose that, with your reverence and your ladyship's leave, +William Nassau here shall ride on George of Denmark, and George of +Denmark shall ride on William of Nassau." + +When this speech of the Corporal's was made, the whole crowd set up a +loyal hurrah; and, with much gravity, the two little boys were lifted up +into the saddles; and the Corporal leading one, entrusted the other to +the horse-boy, and so together marched stately up and down the green. + +The popularity which Mr. Brock gained by this manoeuvre was very great; +but with regard to the names of the horses and children, which coincided +so extraordinarily, it is but fair to state, that the christening of the +quadrupeds had only taken place about two minutes before the dragoon's +appearance on the green. For if the fact must be confessed, he, while +seated near the inn window, had kept a pretty wistful eye upon all going +on without; and the horses marching thus to and fro for the wonderment +of the village, were only placards or advertisements for the riders. + +There was, besides the boy now occupied with the horses, and the +landlord and landlady of the "Bugle Inn," another person connected with +that establishment--a very smart, handsome, vain, giggling servant-girl, +about the age of sixteen, who went by the familiar name of Cat, and +attended upon the gentlemen in the parlour, while the landlady was +employed in cooking their supper in the kitchen. This young person had +been educated in the village poor-house, and having been pronounced +by Doctor Dobbs and the schoolmaster the idlest, dirtiest, and most +passionate little minx with whom either had ever had to do, she was, +after receiving a very small portion of literary instruction (indeed +it must be stated that the young lady did not know her letters), bound +apprentice at the age of nine years to Mrs. Score, her relative, and +landlady of the "Bugle Inn." + +If Miss Cat, or Catherine Hall, was a slattern and a minx, Mrs. Score +was a far superior shrew; and for the seven years of her apprenticeship +the girl was completely at her mistress's mercy. Yet though wondrously +stingy, jealous, and violent, while her maid was idle and extravagant, +and her husband seemed to abet the girl, Mrs. Score put up with the +wench's airs, idleness, and caprices, without ever wishing to dismiss +her from the "Bugle." The fact is, that Miss Catherine was a great +beauty, and for about two years, since her fame had begun to spread, +the custom of the inn had also increased vastly. When there was a debate +whether the farmers, on their way from market, would take t'other pot, +Catherine, by appearing with it, would straightway cause the liquor to +be swallowed and paid for; and when the traveller who proposed riding +that night and sleeping at Coventry or Birmingham, was asked by Miss +Catherine whether he would like a fire in his bedroom, he generally was +induced to occupy it, although he might before have vowed to Mrs. Score +that he would not for a thousand guineas be absent from home that night. +The girl had, too, half-a-dozen lovers in the village; and these were +bound in honour to spend their pence at the alehouse she inhabited. O +woman, lovely woman! what strong resolves canst thou twist round thy +little finger! what gunpowder passions canst thou kindle with a single +sparkle of thine eye! what lies and fribble nonsense canst thou make us +listen to, as they were gospel truth or splendid wit! above all what bad +liquor canst thou make us swallow when thou puttest a kiss within the +cup--and we are content to call the poison wine! + +The mountain-wine at the "Bugle" was, in fact, execrable; but Mrs. Cat, +who served it to the two soldiers, made it so agreeable to them, that +they found it a passable, even a pleasant task, to swallow the contents +of a second bottle. The miracle had been wrought instantaneously on her +appearance: for whereas at that very moment the Count was employed in +cursing the wine, the landlady, the wine-grower, and the English nation +generally, when the young woman entered and (choosing so to +interpret the oaths) said, "Coming, your honour; I think your honour +called"--Gustavus Adolphus whistled, stared at her very hard, and +seeming quite dumb-stricken by her appearance, contented himself by +swallowing a whole glass of mountain by way of reply. + +Mr. Brock was, however, by no means so confounded as his captain: he was +thirty years older than the latter, and in the course of fifty years of +military life had learned to look on the most dangerous enemy, or the +most beautiful woman, with the like daring, devil-may-care determination +to conquer. + +"My dear Mary," then said that gentleman, "his honour is a lord; as good +as a lord, that is; for all he allows such humble fellows as I am to +drink with him." + +Catherine dropped a low curtsey, and said, "Well, I don't know if you +are joking a poor country girl, as all you soldier gentlemen do; but his +honour LOOKS like a lord: though I never see one, to be sure." + +"Then," said the Captain, gathering courage, "how do you know I look +like one, pretty Mary?" + +"Pretty Catherine: I mean Catherine, if you please, sir." + +Here Mr. Brock burst into a roar of laughter, and shouting with many +oaths that she was right at first, invited her to give him what he +called a buss. + +Pretty Catherine turned away from him at this request, and muttered +something about "Keep your distance, low fellow! buss indeed; poor +country girl," etc. etc., placing herself, as if for protection, on the +side of the Captain. That gentleman looked also very angry; but whether +at the sight of innocence so outraged, or the insolence of the Corporal +for daring to help himself first, we cannot say. "Hark ye, Mr. Brock," +he cried very fiercely, "I will suffer no such liberties in my presence: +remember, it is only my condescension which permits you to share my +bottle in this way; take care I don't give you instead a taste of my +cane." So saying, he, in a protecting manner, placed one hand round +Mrs. Catherine's waist, holding the other clenched very near to the +Corporal's nose. + +Mrs. Catherine, for HER share of this action of the Count's, dropped +another curtsey and said, "Thank you, my Lord." But Galgenstein's threat +did not appear to make any impression on Mr. Brock, as indeed there was +no reason that it should; for the Corporal, at a combat of fisticuffs, +could have pounded his commander into a jelly in ten minutes; so he +contented himself by saying, "Well, noble Captain, there's no harm done; +it IS an honour for poor old Peter Brock to be at table with you, and I +AM sorry, sure enough." + +"In truth, Peter, I believe thou art; thou hast good reason, eh, Peter? +But never fear, man; had I struck thee, I never would have hurt thee." + +"I KNOW you would not," replied Brock, laying his hand on his heart +with much gravity; and so peace was made, and healths were drunk. Miss +Catherine condescended to put her lips to the Captain's glass; who swore +that the wine was thus converted into nectar; and although the girl had +not previously heard of that liquor, she received the compliment as a +compliment, and smiled and simpered in return. + +The poor thing had never before seen anybody so handsome, or so finely +dressed as the Count; and, in the simplicity of her coquetry, allowed +her satisfaction to be quite visible. Nothing could be more clumsy than +the gentleman's mode of complimenting her; but for this, perhaps, his +speeches were more effective than others more delicate would have been; +and though she said to each, "Oh, now, my Lord," and "La, Captain, how +can you flatter one so?" and "Your honour's laughing at me," and made +such polite speeches as are used on these occasions, it was manifest +from the flutter and blush, and the grin of satisfaction which lighted +up the buxom features of the little country beauty, that the Count's +first operations had been highly successful. When following up his +attack, he produced from his neck a small locket (which had been given +him by a Dutch lady at the Brill), and begged Miss Catherine to wear it +for his sake, and chucked her under the chin and called her his little +rosebud, it was pretty clear how things would go: anybody who could see +the expression of Mr. Brock's countenance at this event might judge of +the progress of the irresistible High-Dutch conqueror. + +Being of a very vain communicative turn, our fair barmaid gave her two +companions, not only a pretty long account of herself, but of many other +persons in the village, whom she could perceive from the window opposite +to which she stood. "Yes, your honour," said she--"my Lord, I mean; +sixteen last March, though there's a many girl in the village that at +my age is quite chits. There's Polly Randall now, that red-haired girl +along with Thomas Curtis: she's seventeen if she's a day, though he is +the very first sweetheart she has had. Well, as I am saying, I was bred +up here in the village--father and mother died very young, and I was +left a poor orphan--well, bless us! if Thomas haven't kissed her!--to +the care of Mrs. Score, my aunt, who has been a mother to me--a +stepmother, you know;--and I've been to Stratford fair, and to Warwick +many a time; and there's two people who have offered to marry me, and +ever so many who want to, and I won't have none--only a gentleman, +as I've always said; not a poor clodpole, like Tom there with the red +waistcoat (he was one that asked me), nor a drunken fellow like Sam +Blacksmith yonder, him whose wife has got the black eye, but a real +gentleman, like--" + +"Like whom, my dear?" said the Captain, encouraged. + +"La, sir, how can you? Why, like our squire, Sir John, who rides in +such a mortal fine gold coach; or, at least, like the parson, Doctor +Dobbs--that's he, in the black gown, walking with Madam Dobbs in red." + +"And are those his children?" + +"Yes: two girls and two boys; and only think, he calls one William +Nassau, and one George Denmark--isn't it odd?" And from the parson, Mrs. +Catherine went on to speak of several humble personages of the village +community, who, as they are not necessary to our story, need not be +described at full length. It was when, from the window, Corporal Brock +saw the altercation between the worthy divine and his son, respecting +the latter's ride, that he judged it a fitting time to step out on the +green, and to bestow on the two horses those famous historical names +which we have just heard applied to them. + +Mr. Brock's diplomacy was, as we have stated, quite successful; for, +when the parson's boys had ridden and retired along with their mamma and +papa, other young gentlemen of humbler rank in the village were placed +upon "George of Denmark" and "William of Nassau;" the Corporal joking +and laughing with all the grown-up people. The women, in spite of Mr. +Brock's age, his red nose, and a certain squint of his eye, vowed the +Corporal was a jewel of a man; and among the men his popularity was +equally great. + +"How much dost thee get, Thomas Clodpole?" said Mr. Brock to a +countryman (he was the man whom Mrs. Catherine had described as her +suitor), who had laughed loudest at some of his jokes: "how much dost +thee get for a week's work, now?" + +Mr. Clodpole, whose name was really Bullock, stated that his wages +amounted to "three shillings and a puddn." + +"Three shillings and a puddn!--monstrous!--and for this you toil like a +galley-slave, as I have seen them in Turkey and America,--ay, gentlemen, +and in the country of Prester John! You shiver out of bed on icy winter +mornings, to break the ice for Ball and Dapple to drink." + +"Yes, indeed," said the person addressed, who seemed astounded at the +extent of the Corporal's information. + +"Or you clean pigsty, and take dung down to meadow; or you act watchdog +and tend sheep; or you sweep a scythe over a great field of grass; and +when the sun has scorched the eyes out of your head, and sweated the +flesh off your bones, and well-nigh fried the soul out of your body, +you go home, to what?--three shillings a week and a puddn! Do you get +pudding every day?" + +"No; only Sundays." + +"Do you get money enough?" + +"No, sure." + +"Do you get beer enough?" + +"Oh no, NEVER!" said Mr. Bullock quite resolutely. + +"Worthy Clodpole, give us thy hand: it shall have beer enough this day, +or my name's not Corporal Brock. Here's the money, boy! there are twenty +pieces in this purse: and how do you think I got 'em? and how do you +think I shall get others when these are gone?--by serving Her Sacred +Majesty, to be sure: long life to her, and down with the French King!" + +Bullock, a few of the men, and two or three of the boys, piped out +an hurrah, in compliment to this speech of the Corporal's: but it +was remarked that the greater part of the crowd drew back--the women +whispering ominously to them and looking at the Corporal. + +"I see, ladies, what it is," said he. "You are frightened, and think I +am a crimp come to steal your sweethearts away. What! call Peter Brock a +double-dealer? I tell you what, boys, Jack Churchill himself has shaken +this hand, and drunk a pot with me: do you think he'd shake hands with +a rogue? Here's Tummas Clodpole has never had beer enough, and here am +I will stand treat to him and any other gentleman: am I good enough +company for him? I have money, look you, and like to spend it: what +should _I_ be doing dirty actions for--hay, Tummas?" + +A satisfactory reply to this query was not, of course, expected by the +Corporal nor uttered by Mr. Bullock; and the end of the dispute was, +that he and three or four of the rustic bystanders were quite convinced +of the good intentions of their new friend, and accompanied him back +to the "Bugle," to regale upon the promised beer. Among the Corporal's +guests was one young fellow whose dress would show that he was somewhat +better to do in the world than Clodpole and the rest of the sunburnt +ragged troop, who were marching towards the alehouse. This man was the +only one of his hearers who, perhaps, was sceptical as to the truth of +his stories; but as soon as Bullock accepted the invitation to drink, +John Hayes, the carpenter (for such was his name and profession), said, +"Well, Thomas, if thou goest, I will go too." + +"I know thee wilt," said Thomas: "thou'lt goo anywhere Catty Hall is, +provided thou canst goo for nothing." + +"Nay, I have a penny to spend as good as the Corporal here." + +"A penny to KEEP, you mean: for all your love for the lass at the +'Bugle,' did thee ever spend a shilling in the house? Thee wouldn't go +now, but that I am going too, and the Captain here stands treat." + +"Come, come, gentlemen, no quarrelling," said Mr. Brock. "If this pretty +fellow will join us, amen say I: there's lots of liquor, and plenty +of money to pay the score. Comrade Tummas, give us thy arm. Mr. Hayes, +you're a hearty cock, I make no doubt, and all such are welcome. Come +along, my gentleman farmers, Mr. Brock shall have the honour to pay for +you all." And with this, Corporal Brock, accompanied by Messrs. Hayes, +Bullock, Blacksmith, Baker's-boy, Butcher, and one or two others, +adjourned to the inn; the horses being, at the same time, conducted to +the stable. + +Although we have, in this quiet way, and without any flourishing of +trumpets, or beginning of chapters, introduced Mr. Hayes to the public; +and although, at first sight, a sneaking carpenter's boy may seem hardly +worthy of the notice of an intelligent reader, who looks for a good +cut-throat or highwayman for a hero, or a pickpocket at the very least: +this gentleman's words and actions should be carefully studied by the +public, as he is destined to appear before them under very polite and +curious circumstances during the course of this history. The speech of +the rustic Juvenal, Mr. Clodpole, had seemed to infer that Hayes was at +once careful of his money and a warm admirer of Mrs. Catherine of the +"Bugle:" and both the charges were perfectly true. Hayes's father +was reported to be a man of some substance; and young John, who was +performing his apprenticeship in the village, did not fail to talk very +big of his pretensions to fortune--of his entering, at the close of his +indentures, into partnership with his father--and of the comfortable +farm and house over which Mrs. John Hayes, whoever she might be, would +one day preside. Thus, next to the barber and butcher, and above even +his own master, Mr. Hayes took rank in the village: and it must not be +concealed that his representation of wealth had made some impression +upon Mrs. Hall toward whom the young gentleman had cast the eyes of +affection. If he had been tolerably well-looking, and not pale, rickety, +and feeble as he was; if even he had been ugly, but withal a man of +spirit, it is probable the girl's kindness for him would have been +much more decided. But he was a poor weak creature, not to compare +with honest Thomas Bullock, by at least nine inches; and so notoriously +timid, selfish, and stingy, that there was a kind of shame in receiving +his addresses openly; and what encouragement Mrs. Catherine gave him +could only be in secret. + +But no mortal is wise at all times: and the fact was, that Hayes, who +cared for himself intensely, had set his heart upon winning Catherine; +and loved her with a desperate greedy eagerness and desire of +possession, which makes passions for women often so fierce and +unreasonable among very cold and selfish men. His parents (whose +frugality he had inherited) had tried in vain to wean him from this +passion, and had made many fruitless attempts to engage him with women +who possessed money and desired husbands; but Hayes was, for a wonder, +quite proof against their attractions; and, though quite ready +to acknowledge the absurdity of his love for a penniless alehouse +servant-girl, nevertheless persisted in it doggedly. "I know I'm a +fool," said he; "and what's more, the girl does not care for me; but +marry her I must, or I think I shall just die: and marry her I will." +For very much to the credit of Miss Catherine's modesty, she had +declared that marriage was with her a sine qua non, and had dismissed, +with the loudest scorn and indignation, all propositions of a less +proper nature. + +Poor Thomas Bullock was another of her admirers, and had offered to +marry her; but three shillings a week and a puddn was not to the girl's +taste, and Thomas had been scornfully rejected. Hayes had also made her +a direct proposal. Catherine did not say no: she was too prudent: but +she was young and could wait; she did not care for Mr. Hayes yet enough +to marry him--(it did not seem, indeed, in the young woman's nature to +care for anybody)--and she gave her adorer flatteringly to understand +that, if nobody better appeared in the course of a few years, she might +be induced to become Mrs. Hayes. It was a dismal prospect for the +poor fellow to live upon the hope of being one day Mrs. Catherine's +pis-aller. + +In the meantime she considered herself free as the wind, and permitted +herself all the innocent gaieties which that "chartered libertine," a +coquette, can take. She flirted with all the bachelors, widowers, and +married men, in a manner which did extraordinary credit to her years: +and let not the reader fancy such pastimes unnatural at her early age. +The ladies--Heaven bless them!--are, as a general rule, coquettes from +babyhood upwards. Little SHE'S of three years old play little airs and +graces upon small heroes of five; simpering misses of nine make attacks +upon young gentlemen of twelve; and at sixteen, a well-grown girl, under +encouraging circumstances--say, she is pretty, in a family of ugly elder +sisters, or an only child and heiress, or a humble wench at a country +inn, like our fair Catherine--is at the very pink and prime of her +coquetry: they will jilt you at that age with an ease and arch infantine +simplicity that never can be surpassed in maturer years. + +Miss Catherine, then, was a franche coquette, and Mr. John Hayes was +miserable. His life was passed in a storm of mean passions and bitter +jealousies, and desperate attacks upon the indifference-rock of Mrs. +Catherine's heart, which not all his tempest of love could beat down. O +cruel cruel pangs of love unrequited! Mean rogues feel them as well as +great heroes. Lives there the man in Europe who has not felt them many +times?--who has not knelt, and fawned, and supplicated, and wept, and +cursed, and raved, all in vain; and passed long wakeful nights with +ghosts of dead hopes for company; shadows of buried remembrances that +glide out of their graves of nights, and whisper, "We are dead now, +but we WERE once; and we made you happy, and we come now to mock +you:--despair, O lover, despair, and die"?--O cruel pangs!--dismal +nights!--Now a sly demon creeps under your nightcap, and drops into +your ear those soft hope-breathing sweet words, uttered on the +well-remembered evening: there, in the drawer of your dressing-table +(along with the razors, and Macassar oil), lies the dead flower that +Lady Amelia Wilhelmina wore in her bosom on the night of a certain +ball--the corpse of a glorious hope that seemed once as if it would live +for ever, so strong was it, so full of joy and sunshine: there, in +your writing-desk, among a crowd of unpaid bills, is the dirty scrap of +paper, thimble-sealed, which came in company with a pair of muffetees of +her knitting (she was a butcher's daughter, and did all she could, poor +thing!), begging "you would ware them at collidge, and think of her +who"--married a public-house three weeks afterwards, and cares for you +no more now than she does for the pot-boy. But why multiply instances, +or seek to depict the agony of poor mean-spirited John Hayes? No mistake +can be greater than that of fancying such great emotions of love are +only felt by virtuous or exalted men: depend upon it, Love, like Death, +plays havoc among the pauperum tabernas, and sports with rich and poor, +wicked and virtuous, alike. I have often fancied, for instance, on +seeing the haggard pale young old-clothesman, who wakes the echoes of +our street with his nasal cry of "Clo'!"--I have often, I said, fancied +that, besides the load of exuvial coats and breeches under which +he staggers, there is another weight on him--an atrior cura at his +tail--and while his unshorn lips and nose together are performing that +mocking, boisterous, Jack-indifferent cry of "Clo', clo'!" who knows +what woeful utterances are crying from the heart within? There he is, +chaffering with the footman at No. 7 about an old dressing-gown: you +think his whole soul is bent only on the contest about the garment. +Psha! there is, perhaps, some faithless girl in Holywell Street who +fills up his heart; and that desultory Jew-boy is a peripatetic hell! +Take another instance:--take the man in the beef-shop in Saint Martin's +Court. There he is, to all appearances quite calm: before the same round +of beef--from morning till sundown--for hundreds of years very likely. +Perhaps when the shutters are closed, and all the world tired and +silent, there is HE silent, but untired--cutting, cutting, cutting. You +enter, you get your meat to your liking, you depart; and, quite unmoved, +on, on he goes, reaping ceaselessly the Great Harvest of Beef. You would +fancy that if Passion ever failed to conquer, it had in vain assailed +the calm bosom of THAT MAN. I doubt it, and would give much to know his +history. + +Who knows what furious Aetna-flames are raging underneath the surface of +that calm flesh-mountain--who can tell me that that calmness itself is +not DESPAIR? + + ***** + +The reader, if he does not now understand why it was that Mr. Hayes +agreed to drink the Corporal's proffered beer, had better just read the +foregoing remarks over again, and if he does not understand THEN, why, +small praise to his brains. Hayes could not bear that Mr. Bullock should +have a chance of seeing, and perhaps making love to Mrs. Catherine in +his absence; and though the young woman never diminished her coquetries, +but, on the contrary, rather increased them in his presence, it was +still a kind of dismal satisfaction to be miserable in her company. + +On this occasion, the disconsolate lover could be wretched to his +heart's content; for Catherine had not a word or a look for him, but +bestowed all her smiles upon the handsome stranger who owned the black +horse. As for poor Tummas Bullock, his passion was never violent; and +he was content in the present instance to sigh and drink beer. He sighed +and drank, sighed and drank, and drank again, until he had swallowed so +much of the Corporal's liquor, as to be induced to accept a guinea from +his purse also; and found himself, on returning to reason and sobriety, +a soldier of Queen Anne's. + +But oh! fancy the agonies of Mr. Hayes when, seated with the Corporal's +friends at one end of the kitchen, he saw the Captain at the place of +honour, and the smiles which the fair maid bestowed upon him; when, as +she lightly whisked past him with the Captain's supper, she, pointing +to the locket that once reposed on the breast of the Dutch lady at the +Brill, looked archly on Hayes and said, "See, John, what his Lordship +has given me;" and when John's face became green and purple with +rage and jealousy, Mrs. Catherine laughed ten times louder, and cried +"Coming, my Lord," in a voice of shrill triumph, that bored through the +soul of Mr. John Hayes and left him gasping for breath. + +On Catherine's other lover, Mr. Thomas, this coquetry had no effect: he, +and two comrades of his, had by this time quite fallen under the spell +of the Corporal; and hope, glory, strong beer, Prince Eugene, pair of +colours, more strong beer, her blessed Majesty, plenty more strong beer, +and such subjects, martial and bacchic, whirled through their dizzy +brains at a railroad pace. + +And now, if there had been a couple of experienced reporters present at +the "Bugle Inn," they might have taken down a conversation on love +and war--the two themes discussed by the two parties occupying the +kitchen--which, as the parts were sung together, duetwise, formed +together some very curious harmonies. Thus, while the Captain was +whispering the softest nothings, the Corporal was shouting the fiercest +combats of the war; and, like the gentleman at Penelope's table, on it +exiguo pinxit praelia tota bero. For example: + +CAPTAIN. What do you say to a silver trimming, pretty Catherine? Don't +you think a scarlet riding-cloak, handsomely laced, would become you +wonderfully well?--and a grey hat with a blue feather--and a pretty nag +to ride on--and all the soldiers to present arms as you pass, and say, +"There goes the Captain's lady"? What do you think of a side-box at +Lincoln's Inn playhouse, or of standing up to a minuet with my Lord +Marquis at--? + +CORPORAL. The ball, sir, ran right up his elbow, and was found the next +day by Surgeon Splinter of ours,--where do you think, sir?--upon my +honour as a gentleman it came out of the nape of his-- + +CAPTAIN. Necklace--and a sweet pair of diamond earrings, mayhap--and a +little shower of patches, which ornament a lady's face wondrously--and +a leetle rouge--though, egad! such peach-cheeks as yours don't want +it;--fie! Mrs. Catherine, I should think the birds must come and peck at +them as if they were fruit-- + +CORPORAL. Over the wall; and three-and-twenty of our fellows jumped +after me. By the Pope of Rome, friend Tummas, that was a day!--Had you +seen how the Mounseers looked when four-and-twenty rampaging he-devils, +sword and pistol, cut and thrust, pell-mell came tumbling into the +redoubt! Why, sir, we left in three minutes as many artillerymen's heads +as there were cannon-balls. It was, "Ah sacre!" "D----- you, take that!" +"O mon Dieu!" "Run him through!" "Ventrebleu!" and it WAS ventrebleu +with him, I warrant you; for bleu, in the French language, means +"through;" and ventre--why, you see, ventre means-- + +CAPTAIN. Waists, which are worn now excessive long; and for the hoops, +if you COULD but see them--stap my vitals, my dear, but there was a lady +at Warwick's Assembly (she came in one of my Lord's coaches) who had a +hoop as big as a tent: you might have dined under it comfortably;--ha! +ha! 'pon my faith, now-- + +CORPORAL. And there we found the Duke of Marlborough seated along with +Marshal Tallard, who was endeavouring to drown his sorrow over a cup of +Johannisberger wine; and a good drink too, my lads, only not to compare +to Warwick beer. "Who was the man who has done this?" said our noble +General. I stepped up. "How many heads was it," says he, "that you cut +off?" "Nineteen," says I, "besides wounding several." When he heard it +(Mr. Hayes, you don't drink) I'm blest if he didn't burst into tears! +"Noble noble fellow," says he. "Marshal, you must excuse me if I am +pleased to hear of the destruction of your countrymen. Noble noble +fellow!--here's a hundred guineas for you." Which sum he placed in my +hand. "Nay," says the Marshal "the man has done his duty:" and, pulling +out a magnificent gold diamond-hilted snuff-box, he gave me-- + +MR. BULLOCK. What, a goold snuff-box? Wauns, but thee WAST in luck, +Corporal! + +CORPORAL. No, not the snuff-box, but--A PINCH OF SNUFF,--ha! ha!--run me +through the body if he didn't. Could you but have seen the smile on +Jack Churchill's grave face at this piece of generosity! So, beckoning +Colonel Cadogan up to him, he pinched his Ear and whispered-- + +CAPTAIN. "May I have the honour to dance a minuet with your Ladyship?" +The whole room was in titters at Jack's blunder; for, as you know very +well, poor Lady Susan HAS A WOODEN LEG. Ha! ha! fancy a minuet and a +wooden leg, hey, my dear?-- + +MRS. CATHERINE. Giggle--giggle--giggle: he! he! he! Oh, Captain, you +rogue, you-- + +SECOND TABLE. Haw! haw! haw! Well you be a foony mon, Sergeant, zure +enoff. + + ***** + +This little specimen of the conversation must be sufficient. It will +show pretty clearly that EACH of the two military commanders was +conducting his operations with perfect success. Three of the detachment +of five attacked by the Corporal surrendered to him: Mr. Bullock, +namely, who gave in at a very early stage of the evening, and +ignominiously laid down his arms under the table, after standing not +more than a dozen volleys of beer; Mr. Blacksmith's boy, and a labourer +whose name we have not been able to learn. Mr. Butcher himself was on +the point of yielding, when he was rescued by the furious charge of a +detachment that marched to his relief: his wife namely, who, with two +squalling children, rushed into the "Bugle," boxed Butcher's ears, and +kept up such a tremendous fire of oaths and screams upon the Corporal, +that he was obliged to retreat. Fixing then her claws into Mr. Butcher's +hair, she proceeded to drag him out of the premises; and thus Mr. Brock +was overcome. His attack upon John Hayes was a still greater failure; +for that young man seemed to be invincible by drink, if not by love: +and at the end of the drinking-bout was a great deal more cool than +the Corporal himself; to whom he wished a very polite good-evening, as +calmly he took his hat to depart. He turned to look at Catherine, to be +sure, and then he was not quite so calm: but Catherine did not give any +reply to his good-night. She was seated at the Captain's table playing +at cribbage with him; and though Count Gustavus Maximilian lost every +game, he won more than he lost,--sly fellow!--and Mrs. Catherine was no +match for him. + +It is to be presumed that Hayes gave some information to Mrs. Score, +the landlady: for, on leaving the kitchen, he was seen to linger for a +moment in the bar; and very soon after Mrs. Catherine was called away +from her attendance on the Count, who, when he asked for a sack and +toast, was furnished with those articles by the landlady herself: and, +during the half-hour in which he was employed in consuming this drink, +Monsieur de Galgenstein looked very much disturbed and out of humour, +and cast his eyes to the door perpetually; but no Catherine came. At +last, very sulkily, he desired to be shown to bed, and walked as well as +he could (for, to say truth, the noble Count was by this time somewhat +unsteady on his legs) to his chamber. It was Mrs. Score who showed +him to it, and closed the curtains, and pointed triumphantly to the +whiteness of the sheets. + +"It's a very comfortable room," said she, "though not the best in the +house; which belong of right to your Lordship's worship; but our +best room has two beds, and Mr. Corporal is in that, locked and +double-locked, with his three tipsy recruits. But your honour will find +this here bed comfortable and well-aired; I've slept in it myself this +eighteen years." + +"What, my good woman, you are going to sit up, eh? It's cruel hard on +you, madam." + +"Sit up, my Lord? bless you, no! I shall have half of our Cat's bed; as +I always do when there's company." And with this Mrs. Score curtseyed +and retired. + +Very early the next morning the active landlady and her bustling +attendant had prepared the ale and bacon for the Corporal and his three +converts, and had set a nice white cloth for the Captain's breakfast. +The young blacksmith did not eat with much satisfaction; but Mr. Bullock +and his friend betrayed no sign of discontent, except such as may be +consequent upon an evening's carouse. They walked very contentedly to be +registered before Doctor Dobbs, who was also justice of the peace, and +went in search of their slender bundles, and took leave of their few +acquaintances without much regret: for the gentlemen had been bred in +the workhouse, and had not, therefore, a large circle of friends. + +It wanted only an hour of noon, and the noble Count had not descended. +The men were waiting for him, and spent much of the Queen's money +(earned by the sale of their bodies overnight) while thus expecting him. +Perhaps Mrs. Catherine expected him too, for she had offered many times +to run up--with my Lord's boots--with the hot water--to show Mr. Brock +the way; who sometimes condescended to officiate as barber. But on all +these occasions Mrs. Score had prevented her; not scolding, but with +much gentleness and smiling. At last, more gentle and smiling than ever, +she came downstairs and said, "Catherine darling, his honour the Count +is mighty hungry this morning, and vows he could pick the wing of a +fowl. Run down, child, to Farmer Brigg's and get one: pluck it +before you bring it, you know, and we will make his Lordship a pretty +breakfast." + +Catherine took up her basket, and away she went by the back-yard, +through the stables. There she heard the little horse-boy whistling and +hissing after the manner of horseboys; and there she learned that Mrs. +Score had been inventing an ingenious story to have her out of the way. +The ostler said he was just going to lead the two horses round to the +door. The Corporal had been, and they were about to start on the instant +for Stratford. + +The fact was that Count Gustavus Adolphus, far from wishing to pick the +wing of a fowl, had risen with a horror and loathing for everything in +the shape of food, and for any liquor stronger than small beer. Of this +he had drunk a cup, and said he should ride immediately to Stratford; +and when, on ordering his horses, he had asked politely of the landlady +"why the d---- SHE always came up, and why she did not send the girl," +Mrs. Score informed the Count that her Catherine was gone out for a walk +along with the young man to whom she was to be married, and would not +be visible that day. On hearing this the Captain ordered his horses +that moment, and abused the wine, the bed, the house, the landlady, and +everything connected with the "Bugle Inn." + +Out the horses came: the little boys of the village gathered round; the +recruits, with bunches of ribands in their beavers, appeared presently; +Corporal Brock came swaggering out, and, slapping the pleased blacksmith +on the back, bade him mount his horse; while the boys hurrah'd. Then the +Captain came out, gloomy and majestic; to him Mr. Brock made a military +salute, which clumsily, and with much grinning, the recruits imitated. +"I shall walk on with these brave fellows, your honour, and meet you at +Stratford," said the Corporal. "Good," said the Captain, as he +mounted. The landlady curtseyed; the children hurrah'd more; the little +horse-boy, who held the bridle with one hand and the stirrup with the +other, and expected a crown-piece from such a noble gentleman, got only +a kick and a curse, as Count von Galgenstein shouted, "D----- you all, +get out of the way!" and galloped off; and John Hayes, who had been +sneaking about the inn all the morning, felt a weight off his heart when +he saw the Captain ride off alone. + +O foolish Mrs. Score! O dolt of a John Hayes! If the landlady had +allowed the Captain and the maid to have their way, and meet but for a +minute before recruits, sergeant, and all, it is probable that no +harm would have been done, and that this history would never have been +written. + +When Count von Galgenstein had ridden half a mile on the Stratford road, +looking as black and dismal as Napoleon galloping from the romantic +village of Waterloo, he espied, a few score yards onwards, at the +turn of the road, a certain object which caused him to check his horse +suddenly, brought a tingling red into his cheeks, and made his heart to +go thump--thump! against his side. A young lass was sauntering slowly +along the footpath, with a basket swinging from one hand, and a bunch of +hedge-flowers in the other. She stopped once or twice to add a fresh one +to her nosegay, and might have seen him, the Captain thought; but +no, she never looked directly towards him, and still walked on. Sweet +innocent! she was singing as if none were near; her voice went soaring +up to the clear sky, and the Captain put his horse on the grass, that +the sound of the hoofs might not disturb the music. + + "When the kine had given a pailful, + And the sheep came bleating home, + Poll, who knew it would be healthful, + Went a-walking out with Tom. + Hand in hand, sir, on the land, sir, + As they walked to and fro, + Tom made jolly love to Polly, + But was answered no, no, no." + +The Captain had put his horse on the grass, that the sound of his hoofs +might not disturb the music; and now he pushed its head on to the bank, +where straightway "George of Denmark" began chewing of such a salad +as grew there. And now the Captain slid off stealthily; and smiling +comically, and hitching up his great jack-boots, and moving forward with +a jerking tiptoe step, he, just as she was trilling the last o-o-o +of the last no in the above poem of Tom D'Urfey, came up to her, and +touching her lightly on the waist, said, + +"My dear, your very humble servant." + +Mrs. Catherine (you know you have found her out long ago!) gave a scream +and a start, and would have turned pale if she could. As it was, she +only shook all over, and said, + +"Oh, sir, how you DID frighten me!" + +"Frighten you, my rosebud! why, run me through, I'd die rather than +frighten you. Gad, child, tell me now, am I so VERY frightful?" + +"Oh no, your honour, I didn't mean that; only I wasn't thinking to meet +you here, or that you would ride so early at all: for, if you please, +sir, I was going to fetch a chicken for your Lordship's breakfast, as +my mistress said you would like one; and I thought, instead of going to +Farmer Brigg's, down Birmingham way, as she told me, I'd go to Farmer +Bird's, where the chickens is better, sir,--my Lord, I mean." + +"Said I'd like a chicken for breakfast, the old cat! why, I told her +I would not eat a morsel to save me--I was so dru--I mean I ate such a +good supper last night--and I bade her to send me a pot of small beer, +and to tell you to bring it; and the wretch said you were gone out with +your sweetheart--" + +"What! John Hayes, the creature? Oh, what a naughty story-telling +woman!" + +"--You had walked out with your sweetheart, and I was not to see you +any more; and I was mad with rage, and ready to kill myself; I was, my +dear." + +"Oh, sir! pray, PRAY don't." + +"For your sake, my sweet angel?" + +"Yes, for my sake, if such a poor girl as me can persuade noble +gentlemen." + +"Well, then, for YOUR sake, I won't; no, I'll live; but why live? Hell +and fury, if I do live I'm miserable without you; I am,--you know I +am,--you adorable, beautiful, cruel, wicked Catherine!" + +Catherine's reply to this was "La, bless me! I do believe your horse is +running away." And so he was! for having finished his meal in the hedge, +he first looked towards his master and paused, as it were, irresolutely; +then, by a sudden impulse, flinging up his tail and his hind legs, he +scampered down the road. + +Mrs. Hall ran lightly after the horse, and the Captain after Mrs. Hall; +and the horse ran quicker and quicker every moment, and might have led +them a long chase,--when lo! debouching from a twist in the road, came +the detachment of cavalry and infantry under Mr. Brock. The moment +he was out of sight of the village, that gentleman had desired the +blacksmith to dismount, and had himself jumped into the saddle, +maintaining the subordination of his army by drawing a pistol and +swearing that he would blow out the brains of any person who attempted +to run. When the Captain's horse came near the detachment he paused, and +suffered himself to be caught by Tummas Bullock, who held him until the +owner and Mrs. Catherine came up. + +Mr. Bullock looked comically grave when he saw the pair; but the +Corporal graciously saluted Mrs. Catherine, and said it was a fine day +for walking. + +"La, sir, and so it is," said she, panting in a very pretty and +distressing way, "but not for RUNNING. I do protest--ha!--and vow that +I really can scarcely stand. I'm so tired of running after that naughty +naughty horse!" + +"How do, Cattern?" said Thomas. "Zee, I be going a zouldiering because +thee wouldn't have me." And here Mr. Bullock grinned. Mrs. Catherine +made no sort of reply, but protested once more she should die of +running. If the truth were told, she was somewhat vexed at the arrival +of the Corporal's detachment, and had had very serious thoughts of +finding herself quite tired just as he came in sight. + +A sudden thought brought a smile of bright satisfaction in the Captain's +eyes. He mounted the horse which Tummas still held. "TIRED, Mrs +Catherine," said he, "and for my sake? By heavens! you shan't walk a +step farther. No, you shall ride back with a guard of honour! Back to +the village, gentlemen!--rightabout face! Show those fellows, Corporal, +how to rightabout face. Now, my dear, mount behind me on Snowball; he's +easy as a sedan. Put your dear little foot on the toe of my boot. There +now,--up!--jump! hurrah!" + +"THAT'S not the way, Captain," shouted out Thomas, still holding on to +the rein as the horse began to move. "Thee woan't goo with him, will +thee, Catty?" + +But Mrs. Catherine, though she turned away her head, never let go her +hold round the Captain's waist; and he, swearing a dreadful oath at +Thomas, struck him across the face and hands with his riding whip. The +poor fellow, who at the first cut still held on to the rein, dropped it +at the second, and as the pair galloped off, sat down on the roadside +and fairly began to weep. + +"MARCH, you dog!" shouted out the Corporal a minute after. And so he +did: and when next he saw Mrs. Catherine she WAS the Captain's lady sure +enough, and wore a grey hat, with a blue feather, and red riding-coat +trimmed with silverlace. But Thomas was then on a bare-backed horse, +which Corporal Brock was flanking round a ring, and he was so occupied +looking between his horse's ears that he had no time to cry then, and at +length got the better of his attachment. + + ***** + +This being a good opportunity for closing Chapter I, we ought, perhaps, +to make some apologies to the public for introducing them to characters +that are so utterly worthless; as we confess all our heroes, with the +exception of Mr. Bullock, to be. In this we have consulted nature and +history, rather than the prevailing taste and the general manner of +authors. The amusing novel of "Ernest Maltravers," for instance, opens +with a seduction; but then it is performed by people of the strictest +virtue on both sides: and there is so much religion and philosophy in +the heart of the seducer, so much tender innocence in the soul of the +seduced, that--bless the little dears!--their very peccadilloes make +one interested in them; and their naughtiness becomes quite sacred, so +deliciously is it described. Now, if we ARE to be interested by rascally +actions, let us have them with plain faces, and let them be performed, +not by virtuous philosophers, but by rascals. Another clever class of +novelists adopt the contrary system, and create interest by making their +rascals perform virtuous actions. Against these popular plans we here +solemnly appeal. We say, let your rogues in novels act like rogues, +and your honest men like honest men; don't let us have any juggling +and thimble-rigging with virtue and vice, so that, at the end of three +volumes, the bewildered reader shall not know which is which; don't let +us find ourselves kindling at the generous qualities of thieves, and +sympathising with the rascalities of noble hearts. For our own part, we +know what the public likes, and have chosen rogues for our characters, +and have taken a story from the "Newgate Calendar," which we hope to +follow out to edification. Among the rogues, at least, we will have +nothing that shall be mistaken for virtues. And if the British public +(after calling for three or four editions) shall give up, not only our +rascals, but the rascals of all other authors, we shall be content:--we +shall apply to Government for a pension, and think that our duty is +done. + + + +CHAPTER II. IN WHICH ARE DEPICTED THE PLEASURES OF A SENTIMENTAL +ATTACHMENT. + + +It will not be necessary, for the purpose of this history, to follow out +very closely all the adventures which occurred to Mrs. Catherine from +the period when she quitted the "Bugle" and became the Captain's lady; +for although it would be just as easy to show as not, that the young +woman, by following the man of her heart, had only yielded to an +innocent impulse, and by remaining with him for a certain period, had +proved the depth and strength of her affection for him,--although we +might make very tender and eloquent apologies for the error of both +parties, the reader might possibly be disgusted at such descriptions +and such arguments: which, besides, are already done to his hand in the +novel of "Ernest Maltravers" before mentioned. + +From the gentleman's manner towards Mrs. Catherine, and from his +brilliant and immediate success, the reader will doubtless have +concluded, in the first place, that Gustavus Adolphus had not a very +violent affection for Mrs. Cat; in the second place, that he was a +professional lady-killer, and therefore likely at some period to resume +his profession; thirdly, and to conclude, that a connection so begun, +must, in the nature of things, be likely to end speedily. + +And so, to do the Count justice, it would, if he had been allowed to +follow his own inclination entirely; for (as many young gentlemen will, +and yet no praise to them) in about a week he began to be indifferent, +in a month to be weary, in two months to be angry, in three to proceed +to blows and curses; and, in short, to repent most bitterly the hour +when he had ever been induced to present Mrs. Catherine the toe of his +boot, for the purpose of lifting her on to his horse. + +"Egad!" said he to the Corporal one day, when confiding his griefs to +Mr. Brock, "I wish my toe had been cut off before ever it served as a +ladder to this little vixen." + +"Or perhaps your honour would wish to kick her downstairs with it?" +delicately suggested Mr. Brock. + +"Kick her! why, the wench would hold so fast by the banisters that I +COULD not kick her down, Mr. Brock. To tell you a bit of a secret, I +HAVE tried as much--not to kick her--no, no, not kick her, certainly: +that's ungentlemanly--but to INDUCE her to go back to that cursed +pot-house where we fell in with her. I have given her many hints--" + +"Oh, yes, I saw your honour give her one yesterday--with a mug of beer. +By the laws, as the ale run all down her face, and she clutched a knife +to run at you, I don't think I ever saw such a she-devil! That woman +will do for your honour some day, if you provoke her." + +"Do for ME? No, hang it, Mr. Brock, never! She loves every hair of my +head, sir: she worships me, Corporal. Egad, yes! she worships me; and +would much sooner apply a knife to her own weasand than scratch my +little finger!" + +"I think she does," said Mr. Brock. + +"I'm sure of it," said the Captain. "Women, look you, are like dogs, +they like to be ill-treated: they like it, sir; I know they do. I never +had anything to do with a woman in my life but I ill-treated her, and +she liked me the better." + +"Mrs. Hall ought to be VERY fond of you then, sure enough!" said Mr. +Corporal. + +"Very fond;--ha, ha! Corporal, you wag you--and so she IS very fond. +Yesterday, after the knife-and-beer scene--no wonder I threw the liquor +in her face: it was so dev'lish flat that no gentleman could drink it: +and I told her never to draw it till dinner-time--" + +"Oh, it was enough to put an angel in a fury!" said Brock. + +"Well, yesterday, after the knife business, when you had got the carver +out of her hand, off she flings to her bedroom, will not eat a bit of +dinner forsooth, and remains locked up for a couple of hours. At +two o'clock afternoon (I was over a tankard), out comes the little +she-devil, her face pale, her eyes bleared, and the tip of her nose as +red as fire with sniffling and weeping. Making for my hand, 'Max,' says +she, 'will you forgive me?' 'What!' says I. 'Forgive a murderess?' +says I. 'No, curse me, never!' 'Your cruelty will kill me,' sobbed she. +'Cruelty be hanged!' says I; 'didn't you draw that beer an hour before +dinner?' She could say nothing to THIS, you know, and I swore that every +time she did so, I would fling it into her face again. Whereupon +back she flounced to her chamber, where she wept and stormed until +night-time." + +"When you forgave her?" + +"I DID forgive her, that's positive. You see I had supped at the 'Rose' +along with Tom Trippet and half-a-dozen pretty fellows; and I had eased +a great fat-headed Warwickshire landjunker--what d'ye call him?--squire, +of forty pieces; and I'm dev'lish good-humoured when I've won, and so +Cat and I made it up: but I've taught her never to bring me stale beer +again--ha, ha!" + +This conversation will explain, a great deal better than any description +of ours, however eloquent, the state of things as between Count +Maximilian and Mrs. Catherine, and the feelings which they entertained +for each other. The woman loved him, that was the fact. And, as we have +shown in the previous chapter how John Hayes, a mean-spirited fellow +as ever breathed, in respect of all other passions a pigmy, was in the +passion of love a giant, and followed Mrs. Catherine with a furious +longing which might seem at the first to be foreign to his nature; in +the like manner, and playing at cross-purposes, Mrs. Hall had become +smitten of the Captain; and, as he said truly, only liked him the better +for the brutality which she received at his hands. For it is my opinion, +madam, that love is a bodily infirmity, from which humankind can no more +escape than from small-pox; and which attacks every one of us, from the +first duke in the Peerage down to Jack Ketch inclusive: which has no +respect for rank, virtue, or roguery in man, but sets each in his turn +in a fever; which breaks out the deuce knows how or why, and, raging its +appointed time, fills each individual of the one sex with a blind +fury and longing for some one of the other (who may be pure, gentle, +blue-eyed, beautiful, and good; or vile, shrewish, squinting, +hunchbacked, and hideous, according to circumstances and luck); which +dies away, perhaps, in the natural course, if left to have its way, +but which contradiction causes to rage more furiously than ever. Is not +history, from the Trojan war upwards and downwards, full of instances of +such strange inexplicable passions? Was not Helen, by the most moderate +calculation, ninety years of age when she went off with His Royal +Highness Prince Paris of Troy? Was not Madame La Valliere ill-made, +blear-eyed, tallow-complexioned, scraggy, and with hair like tow? Was +not Wilkes the ugliest, charmingest, most successful man in the world? +Such instances might be carried out so as to fill a volume; but cui +bono? Love is fate, and not will; its origin not to be explained, its +progress irresistible: and the best proof of this may be had at Bow +Street any day, where if you ask any officer of the establishment how +they take most thieves, he will tell you at the houses of the women. +They must see the dear creatures though they hang for it; they will +love, though they have their necks in the halter. And with regard to the +other position, that ill-usage on the part of the man does not destroy +the affection of the woman, have we not numberless police-reports, +showing how, when a bystander would beat a husband for beating his wife, +man and wife fall together on the interloper and punish him for his +meddling? + +These points, then, being settled to the satisfaction of all parties, +the reader will not be disposed to question the assertion that Mrs. Hall +had a real affection for the gallant Count, and grew, as Mr. Brock was +pleased to say, like a beefsteak, more tender as she was thumped. Poor +thing, poor thing! his flashy airs and smart looks had overcome her in +a single hour; and no more is wanted to plunge into love over head and +ears; no more is wanted to make a first love with--and a woman's first +love lasts FOR EVER (a man's twenty-fourth or twenty-fifth is perhaps +the best): you can't kill it, do what you will; it takes root, and lives +and even grows, never mind what the soil may be in which it is planted, +or the bitter weather it must bear--often as one has seen a wallflower +grow--out of a stone. + +In the first weeks of their union, the Count had at least been liberal +to her: she had a horse and fine clothes, and received abroad some of +those flattering attentions which she held at such high price. He had, +however, some ill-luck at play, or had been forced to pay some bills, or +had some other satisfactory reason for being poor, and his establishment +was very speedily diminished. He argued that, as Mrs. Catherine had +been accustomed to wait on others all her life, she might now wait upon +herself and him; and when the incident of the beer arose, she had +been for some time employed as the Count's housekeeper, with unlimited +superintendence over his comfort, his cellar, his linen, and such +matters as bachelors are delighted to make over to active female hands. +To do the poor wretch justice, she actually kept the man's menage in the +best order; nor was there any point of extravagance with which she could +be charged, except a little extravagance of dress displayed on the +very few occasions when he condescended to walk abroad with her, and +extravagance of language and passion in the frequent quarrels they +had together. Perhaps in such a connection as subsisted between this +precious couple, these faults are inevitable on the part of the woman. +She must be silly and vain, and will pretty surely therefore be fond of +dress; and she must, disguise it as she will, be perpetually miserable +and brooding over her fall, which will cause her to be violent and +quarrelsome. + +Such, at least, was Mrs. Hall; and very early did the poor vain +misguided wretch begin to reap what she had sown. + +For a man, remorse under these circumstances is perhaps uncommon. +No stigma affixes on HIM for betraying a woman; no bitter pangs of +mortified vanity; no insulting looks of superiority from his neighbour, +and no sentence of contemptuous banishment is read against him; these +all fall on the tempted, and not on the tempter, who is permitted to +go free. The chief thing that a man learns after having successfully +practised on a woman is to despise the poor wretch whom he has won. +The game, in fact, and the glory, such as it is, is all his, and the +punishment alone falls upon her. Consider this, ladies, when charming +young gentlemen come to woo you with soft speeches. You have nothing to +win, except wretchedness, and scorn, and desertion. Consider this, and +be thankful to your Solomons for telling it. + +It came to pass, then, that the Count had come to have a perfect +contempt and indifference for Mrs. Hall;--how should he not for a young +person who had given herself up to him so easily?--and would have been +quite glad of any opportunity of parting with her. But there was a +certain lingering shame about the man, which prevented him from saying +at once and abruptly, "Go!" and the poor thing did not choose to take +such hints as fell out in the course of their conversation and quarrels. +And so they kept on together, he treating her with simple insult, and +she hanging on desperately, by whatever feeble twig she could find, to +the rock beyond which all was naught, or death, to her. + +Well, after the night with Tom Trippet and the pretty fellows at the +"Rose," to which we have heard the Count allude in the conversation +just recorded, Fortune smiled on him a good deal; for the Warwickshire +squire, who had lost forty pieces on that occasion, insisted on having +his revenge the night after; when, strange to say, a hundred and fifty +more found their way into the pouch of his Excellency the Count. Such a +sum as this quite set the young nobleman afloat again, and brought back +a pleasing equanimity to his mind, which had been a good deal disturbed +in the former difficult circumstances; and in this, for a little and to +a certain extent, poor Cat had the happiness to share. He did not alter +the style of his establishment, which consisted, as before, of herself +and a small person who acted as scourer, kitchen-wench, and scullion; +Mrs. Catherine always putting her hand to the principal pieces of the +dinner; but he treated his mistress with tolerable good-humour; or, to +speak more correctly, with such bearable brutality as might be expected +from a man like him to a woman in her condition. Besides, a certain +event was about to take place, which not unusually occurs in +circumstances of this nature, and Mrs. Catherine was expecting soon to +lie in. + +The Captain, distrusting naturally the strength of his own paternal +feelings, had kindly endeavoured to provide a parent for the coming +infant; and to this end had opened a negotiation with our friend Mr. +Thomas Bullock, declaring that Mrs. Cat should have a fortune of twenty +guineas, and reminding Tummas of his ancient flame for her: but Mr. +Tummas, when this proposition was made to him, declined it, with many +oaths, and vowed that he was perfectly satisfied with his present +bachelor condition. In this dilemma, Mr. Brock stepped forward, who +declared himself very ready to accept Mrs. Catherine and her fortune: +and might possibly have become the possessor of both, had not Mrs. Cat, +the moment she heard of the proposed arrangement, with fire in her eyes, +and rage--oh, how bitter!--in her heart, prevented the success of the +measure by proceeding incontinently to the first justice of the peace, +and there swearing before his worship who was the father of the coming +child. + +This proceeding, which she had expected would cause not a little +indignation on the part of her lord and master, was received by him, +strangely enough, with considerable good-humour: he swore that the wench +had served him a good trick, and was rather amused at the anger, the +outbreak of fierce rage and contumely, and the wretched wretched tears +of heartsick desperation, which followed her announcement of this step +to him. For Mr. Brock, she repelled his offer with scorn and loathing, +and treated the notion of a union with Mr. Bullock with yet fiercer +contempt. Marry him indeed! a workhouse pauper carrying a brown-bess! +She would have died sooner, she said, or robbed on the highway. And so, +to do her justice, she would: for the little minx was one of the vainest +creatures in existence, and vanity (as I presume everybody knows) +becomes THE principle in certain women's hearts--their moral spectacles, +their conscience, their meat and drink, their only rule of right and +wrong. + +As for Mr. Tummas, he, as we have seen, was quite unfriendly to the +proposition as she could be; and the Corporal, with a good deal of +comical gravity, vowed that, as he could not be satisfied in his +dearest wishes, he would take to drinking for a consolation: which he +straightway did. + +"Come, Tummas," said he to Mr. Bullock "since we CAN'T have the girl +of our hearts, why, hang it, Tummas, let's drink her health!" To which +Bullock had no objection. And so strongly did the disappointment weigh +upon honest Corporal Brock, that even when, after unheard-of quantities +of beer, he could scarcely utter a word, he was seen absolutely to weep, +and, in accents almost unintelligible, to curse his confounded ill-luck +at being deprived, not of a wife, but of a child: he wanted one so, he +said, to comfort him in his old age. + +The time of Mrs. Catherine's couche drew near, arrived, and was gone +through safely. She presented to the world a chopping boy, who might +use, if he liked, the Galgenstein arms with a bar-sinister; and in +her new cares and duties had not so many opportunities as usual of +quarrelling with the Count: who, perhaps, respected her situation, or, +at least, was so properly aware of the necessity of quiet to her, that +he absented himself from home morning, noon, and night. + +The Captain had, it must be confessed, turned these continued absences +to a considerable worldly profit, for he played incessantly; and, since +his first victory over the Warwickshire Squire, Fortune had been so +favourable to him, that he had at various intervals amassed a sum of +nearly a thousand pounds, which he used to bring home as he won; and +which he deposited in a strong iron chest, cunningly screwed down by +himself under his own bed. This Mrs. Catherine regularly made, and the +treasure underneath it could be no secret to her. However, the noble +Count kept the key, and bound her by many solemn oaths (that he +discharged at her himself) not to reveal to any other person the +existence of the chest and its contents. + +But it is not in a woman's nature to keep such secrets; and the Captain, +who left her for days and days, did not reflect that she would seek for +confidants elsewhere. For want of a female companion, she was compelled +to bestow her sympathies upon Mr. Brock; who, as the Count's +corporal, was much in his lodgings, and who did manage to survive the +disappointment which he had experienced by Mrs. Catherine's refusal of +him. + +About two months after the infant's birth, the Captain, who was annoyed +by its squalling, put it abroad to nurse, and dismissed its attendant. +Mrs. Catherine now resumed her household duties, and was, as before, +at once mistress and servant of the establishment. As such, she had the +keys of the beer, and was pretty sure of the attentions of the Corporal; +who became, as we have said, in the Count's absence, his lady's chief +friend and companion. After the manner of ladies, she very speedily +confided to him all her domestic secrets; the causes of her former +discontent; the Count's ill-treatment of her; the wicked names he called +her; the prices that all her gowns had cost her; how he beat her; how +much money he won and lost at play; how she had once pawned a coat for +him; how he had four new ones, laced, and paid for; what was the best +way of cleaning and keeping gold-lace, of making cherry-brandy, pickling +salmon, etc., etc. Her confidences upon all these subjects used to +follow each other in rapid succession; and Mr. Brock became, ere long, +quite as well acquainted with the Captain's history for the last year as +the Count himself:--for he was careless, and forgot things; women +never do. They chronicle all the lover's small actions, his words, his +headaches, the dresses he has worn, the things he has liked for dinner +on certain days;--all which circumstances commonly are expunged from the +male brain immediately after they have occurred, but remain fixed with +the female. + +To Brock, then, and to Brock only (for she knew no other soul), Mrs. Cat +breathed, in strictest confidence, the history of the Count's winnings, +and his way of disposing of them; how he kept his money screwed down in +an iron chest in their room; and a very lucky fellow did Brock consider +his officer for having such a large sum. He and Cat looked at the chest: +it was small, but mighty strong, sure enough, and would defy picklocks +and thieves. Well, if any man deserved money, the Captain did ("though +he might buy me a few yards of that lace I love so," interrupted +Cat),--if any man deserved money, he did, for he spent it like a prince, +and his hand was always in his pocket. + +It must now be stated that Monsieur de Galgenstein had, during Cat's +seclusion, cast his eyes upon a young lady of good fortune, who +frequented the Assembly at Birmingham, and who was not a little smitten +by his title and person. The "four new coats, laced, and paid for," as +Cat said, had been purchased, most probably, by his Excellency for the +purpose of dazzling the heiress; and he and the coats had succeeded so +far as to win from the young woman an actual profession of love, and a +promise of marriage provided Pa would consent. This was obtained,--for +Pa was a tradesman; and I suppose every one of my readers has remarked +how great an effect a title has on the lower classes. Yes, thank Heaven! +there is about a freeborn Briton a cringing baseness, and lickspittle +awe of rank, which does not exist under any tyranny in Europe, and is +only to be found here and in America. + +All these negotiations had been going on quite unknown to Cat; and, as +the Captain had determined, before two months were out, to fling that +young woman on the pave, he was kind to her in the meanwhile: people +always are when they are swindling you, or meditating an injury against +you. + +The poor girl had much too high an opinion of her own charms to suspect +that the Count could be unfaithful to them, and had no notion of the +plot that was formed against her. But Mr. Brock had: for he had seen +many times a gilt coach with a pair of fat white horses ambling in +the neighbourhood of the town, and the Captain on his black steed +caracolling majestically by its side; and he had remarked a fat, pudgy, +pale-haired woman treading heavily down the stairs of the Assembly, +leaning on the Captain's arm: all these Mr. Brock had seen, not without +reflection. Indeed, the Count one day, in great good-humour, had slapped +him on the shoulder and told him that he was about speedily to purchase +a regiment; when, by his great gods, Mr. Brock should have a pair of +colours. Perhaps this promise occasioned his silence to Mrs. Catherine +hitherto; perhaps he never would have peached at all; and perhaps, +therefore, this history would never have been written, but for a small +circumstance which occurred at this period. + +"What can you want with that drunken old Corporal always about your +quarters?" said Mr. Trippet to the Count one day, as they sat over their +wine, in the midst of a merry company, at the Captain's rooms. + +"What!" said he. "Old Brock? The old thief has been more useful to me +than many a better man. He is as brave in a row as a lion, as cunning in +intrigue as a fox; he can nose a dun at an inconceivable distance, and +scent out a pretty woman be she behind ever so many stone walls. If a +gentleman wants a good rascal now, I can recommend him. I am going to +reform, you know, and must turn him out of my service." + +"And pretty Mrs. Cat?" + +"Oh, curse pretty Mrs. Cat! she may go too." + +"And the brat?" + +"Why, you have parishes, and what not, here in England. Egad! if a +gentleman were called upon to keep all his children, there would be no +living: no, stap my vitals! Croesus couldn't stand it." + +"No, indeed," said Mr. Trippet: "you are right; and when a gentleman +marries, he is bound in honour to give up such low connections as are +useful when he is a bachelor." + +"Of course; and give them up I will, when the sweet Mrs. Dripping is +mine. As for the girl, you can have her, Tom Trippet, if you take a +fancy to her; and as for the Corporal, he may be handed over to my +successor in Cutts's:--for I will have a regiment to myself, that's poz; +and to take with me such a swindling, pimping, thieving, brandy-faced +rascal as this Brock will never do. Egad! he's a disgrace to the +service. As it is, I've often a mind to have the superannuated vagabond +drummed out of the corps." + +Although this resume of Mr. Brock's character and accomplishments +was very just, it came perhaps with an ill grace from Count Gustavus +Adolphus Maximilian, who had profited by all his qualities, and who +certainly would never have given this opinion of them had he known that +the door of his dining-parlour was open, and that the gallant Corporal, +who was in the passage, could hear every syllable that fell from the +lips of his commanding officer. We shall not say, after the fashion +of the story-books, that Mr. Brock listened with a flashing eye and a +distended nostril; that his chest heaved tumultuously, and that his +hand fell down mechanically to his side, where it played with the brass +handle of his sword. Mr. Kean would have gone through most of these +bodily exercises had he been acting the part of a villain enraged and +disappointed like Corporal Brock; but that gentleman walked away without +any gestures of any kind, and as gently as possible. "He'll turn me out +of the regiment, will he?" says he, quite piano; and then added (con +molta espressione), "I'll do for him." + +And it is to be remarked how generally, in cases of this nature, +gentlemen stick to their word. + + + +CHAPTER III. IN WHICH A NARCOTIC IS ADMINISTERED, AND A GREAT DEAL OF +GENTEEL SOCIETY DEPICTED. + + +When the Corporal, who had retreated to the street-door immediately on +hearing the above conversation, returned to the Captain's lodgings +and paid his respects to Mrs. Catherine, he found that lady in high +good-humour. The Count had been with her, she said, along with a friend +of his, Mr. Trippet; had promised her twelve yards of the lace she +coveted so much; had vowed that the child should have as much more for +a cloak; and had not left her until he had sat with her for an hour, +or more, over a bowl of punch, which he made on purpose for her. Mr. +Trippet stayed too. "A mighty pleasant man," said she; "only not very +wise, and seemingly a good deal in liquor." + +"A good deal indeed!" said the Corporal. "He was so tipsy just now that +he could hardly stand. He and his honour were talking to Nan Fantail in +the market-place; and she pulled Trippet's wig off, for wanting to kiss +her." + +"The nasty fellow!" said Mrs. Cat, "to demean himself with such low +people as Nan Fantail, indeed! Why, upon my conscience now, Corporal, it +was but an hour ago that Mr. Trippet swore he never saw such a pair of +eyes as mine, and would like to cut the Captain's throat for the love of +me. Nan Fantail, indeed!" + +"Nan's an honest girl, Madam Catherine, and was a great favourite of +the Captain's before someone else came in his way. No one can say a word +against her--not a word." + +"And pray, Corporal, who ever did?" said Mrs. Cat, rather offended. "A +nasty, ugly slut! I wonder what the men can see in her?" + +"She has got a smart way with her, sure enough; it's what amuses the +men, and--" + +"And what? You don't mean to say that my Max is fond of her NOW?" said +Mrs. Catherine, looking very fierce. + +"Oh, no; not at all: not of HER;--that is--" + +"Not of HER!" screamed she. "Of whom, then?" + +"Oh, psha! nonsense! Of you, my dear, to be sure; who else should he +care for? And, besides, what business is it of mine?" And herewith +the Corporal began whistling, as if he would have no more of the +conversation. But Mrs. Cat was not to be satisfied,--not she,--and +carried on her cross-questions. + +"Why, look you," said the Corporal, after parrying many of these,--"Why, +look you, I'm an old fool, Catherine, and I must blab. That man has been +the best friend I ever had, and so I was quiet; but I can't keep it in +any longer,--no, hang me if I can! It's my belief he's acting like a +rascal by you: he deceives you, Catherine; he's a scoundrel, Mrs. Hall, +that's the truth on't." + +Catherine prayed him to tell all he knew; and he resumed. + +"He wants you off his hands; he's sick of you, and so brought here that +fool Tom Trippet, who has taken a fancy to you. He has not the courage +to turn you out of doors like a man; though indoors he can treat you +like a beast. But I'll tell you what he'll do. In a month he will go to +Coventry, or pretend to go there, on recruiting business. No such thing, +Mrs. Hall; he's going on MARRIAGE business; and he'll leave you without +a farthing, to starve or to rot, for him. It's all arranged, I tell you: +in a month, you are to be starved into becoming Tom Trippet's +mistress; and his honour is to marry rich Miss Dripping, the +twenty-thousand-pounder from London; and to purchase a regiment;--and to +get old Brock drummed out of Cutts's too," said the Corporal, under his +breath. But he might have spoken out, if he chose; for the poor young +woman had sunk on the ground in a real honest fit. + +"I thought I should give it her," said Mr. Brock as he procured a glass +of water; and, lifting her on to a sofa, sprinkled the same over her. +"Hang it! how pretty she is." + + ***** + +When Mrs. Catherine came to herself again, Brock's tone with her was +kind, and almost feeling. Nor did the poor wench herself indulge in +any subsequent shiverings and hysterics, such as usually follow the +fainting-fits of persons of higher degree. She pressed him for further +explanations, which he gave, and to which she listened with a great deal +of calmness; nor did many tears, sobs, sighs, or exclamations of sorrow +or anger escape from her: only when the Corporal was taking his leave, +and said to her point-blank,--"Well, Mrs. Catherine, and what do you +intend to do?" she did not reply a word; but gave a look which made him +exclaim, on leaving the room,-- + +"By heavens! the woman means murder! I would not be the Holofernes to +lie by the side of such a Judith as that--not I!" And he went his way, +immersed in deep thought. When the Captain returned at night, she did +not speak to him; and when he swore at her for being sulky, she only +said she had a headache, and was dreadfully ill; with which excuse +Gustavus Adolphus seemed satisfied, and left her to herself. + +He saw her the next morning for a moment: he was going a-shooting. + +Catherine had no friend, as is usual in tragedies and romances,--no +mysterious sorceress of her acquaintance to whom she could apply for +poison,--so she went simply to the apothecaries, pretending at each that +she had a dreadful toothache, and procuring from them as much laudanum +as she thought would suit her purpose. + +When she went home again she seemed almost gay. Mr. Brock complimented +her upon the alteration in her appearance; and she was enabled to +receive the Captain at his return from shooting in such a manner as made +him remark that she had got rid of her sulks of the morning, and might +sup with them, if she chose to keep her good-humour. The supper was +got ready, and the gentlemen had the punch-bowl when the cloth was +cleared,--Mrs. Catherine, with her delicate hands, preparing the liquor. + +It is useless to describe the conversation that took place, or to reckon +the number of bowls that were emptied; or to tell how Mr. Trippet, who +was one of the guests, and declined to play at cards when some of the +others began, chose to remain by Mrs. Catherine's side, and make violent +love to her. All this might be told, and the account, however faithful, +would not be very pleasing. No, indeed! And here, though we are only in +the third chapter of this history, we feel almost sick of the characters +that appear in it, and the adventures which they are called upon to go +through. But how can we help ourselves? The public will hear of nothing +but rogues; and the only way in which poor authors, who must live, can +act honestly by the public and themselves, is to paint such thieves as +they are: not, dandy, poetical, rose-water thieves; but real downright +scoundrels, leading scoundrelly lives, drunken, profligate, dissolute, +low; as scoundrels will be. They don't quote Plato, like Eugene Aram; or +live like gentlemen, and sing the pleasantest ballads in the world, like +jolly Dick Turpin; or prate eternally about "to kalon,"[*] like that +precious canting Maltravers, whom we all of us have read about and +pitied; or die whitewashed saints, like poor "Biss Dadsy" in "Oliver +Twist." No, my dear madam, you and your daughters have no right to +admire and sympathise with any such persons, fictitious or real: +you ought to be made cordially to detest, scorn, loathe, abhor, and +abominate all people of this kidney. Men of genius like those whose +works we have above alluded to, have no business to make these +characters interesting or agreeable; to be feeding your morbid fancies, +or indulging their own, with such monstrous food. For our parts, young +ladies, we beg you to bottle up your tears, and not waste a single drop +of them on any one of the heroes or heroines in this history: they +are all rascals, every soul of them, and behave "as sich." Keep your +sympathy for those who deserve it: don't carry it, for preference, to +the Old Bailey, and grow maudlin over the company assembled there. + + * Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. + +Just, then, have the kindness to fancy that the conversation which took +place over the bowls of punch which Mrs. Catherine prepared, was such +as might be expected to take place where the host was a dissolute, +dare-devil, libertine captain of dragoons, the guests for the most +part of the same class, and the hostess a young woman originally from a +country alehouse, and for the present mistress to the entertainer of +the society. They talked, and they drank, and they grew tipsy; and very +little worth hearing occurred during the course of the whole evening. +Mr. Brock officiated, half as the servant, half as the companion of the +society. Mr. Thomas Trippet made violent love to Mrs. Catherine, while +her lord and master was playing at dice with the other gentlemen: and on +this night, strange to say, the Captain's fortune seemed to desert him. +The Warwickshire Squire, from whom he had won so much, had an amazing +run of good luck. The Captain called perpetually for more drink, and +higher stakes, and lost almost every throw. Three hundred, four hundred, +six hundred--all his winnings of the previous months were swallowed up +in the course of a few hours. The Corporal looked on; and, to do him +justice, seemed very grave as, sum by sum, the Squire scored down the +Count's losses on the paper before him. + +Most of the company had taken their hats and staggered off. The Squire +and Mr. Trippet were the only two that remained, the latter still +lingering by Mrs. Catherine's sofa and table; and as she, as we have +stated, had been employed all the evening in mixing the liquor for +the gamesters, he was at the headquarters of love and drink, and had +swallowed so much of each as hardly to be able to speak. + +The dice went rattling on; the candles were burning dim, with great long +wicks. Mr. Trippet could hardly see the Captain, and thought, as far as +his muzzy reason would let him, that the Captain could not see him: +so he rose from his chair as well as he could, and fell down on Mrs. +Catherine's sofa. His eyes were fixed, his face was pale, his jaw hung +down; and he flung out his arms and said, in a maudlin voice, "Oh, you +byoo-oo-oo-tifile Cathrine, I must have a kick-kick-iss." + +"Beast!" said Mrs. Catherine, and pushed him away. The drunken wretch +fell off the sofa, and on to the floor, where he stayed; and, after +snorting out some unintelligible sounds, went to sleep. + +The dice went rattling on; the candles were burning dim, with great long +wicks. + +"Seven's the main," cried the Count. "Four. Three to two against the +caster." + +"Ponies," said the Warwickshire Squire. + +Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, clatter, NINE. Clap, clap, clap, clap, +ELEVEN. Clutter, clutter, clutter, clutter: "Seven it is," says the +Warwickshire Squire. "That makes eight hundred, Count." + +"One throw for two hundred," said the Count. "But stop! Cat, give us +some more punch." + +Mrs. Cat came forward; she looked a little pale, and her hand trembled +somewhat. "Here is the punch, Max," said she. It was steaming hot, in a +large glass. "Don't drink it all," said she; "leave me some." + +"How dark it is!" said the Count, eyeing it. + +"It's the brandy," said Cat. + +"Well, here goes! Squire, curse you! here's your health, and bad luck +to you!" and he gulped off more than half the liquor at a draught. But +presently he put down the glass and cried, "What infernal poison is +this, Cat?" + +"Poison!" said she. "It's no poison. Give me the glass." And she pledged +Max, and drank a little of it. "'Tis good punch, Max, and of my brewing; +I don't think you will ever get any better." And she went back to the +sofa again, and sat down, and looked at the players. + +Mr. Brock looked at her white face and fixed eyes with a grim kind of +curiosity. The Count sputtered, and cursed the horrid taste of the punch +still; but he presently took the box, and made his threatened throw. + +As before, the Squire beat him; and having booked his winnings, rose +from table as well as he might and besought to lead him downstairs; +which Mr. Brock did. + +Liquor had evidently stupefied the Count: he sat with his head between +his hands, muttering wildly about ill-luck, seven's the main, bad punch, +and so on. The street-door banged to; and the steps of Brock and the +Squire were heard, until they could be heard no more. + +"Max," said she; but he did not answer. "Max," said she again, laying +her hand on his shoulder. + +"Curse you," said that gentleman, "keep off, and don't be laying your +paws upon me. Go to bed, you jade, or to ----, for what I care; and give me +first some more punch--a gallon more punch, do you hear?" + +The gentleman, by the curses at the commencement of this little speech, +and the request contained at the end of it, showed that his losses vexed +him, and that he was anxious to forget them temporarily. + +"Oh, Max!" whimpered Mrs. Cat, "you--don't--want any more punch?" + +"Don't! Shan't I be drunk in my own house, you cursed whimpering jade, +you? Get out!" and with this the Captain proceeded to administer a blow +upon Mrs. Catherine's cheek. + +Contrary to her custom, she did not avenge it, or seek to do so, as +on the many former occasions when disputes of this nature had arisen +between the Count and her; but now Mrs. Catherine fell on her knees and, +clasping her hands and looking pitifully in the Count's face, cried, +"Oh, Count, forgive me, forgive me!" + +"Forgive you! What for? Because I slapped your face? Ha, ha! I'll +forgive you again, if you don't mind." + +"Oh, no, no, no!" said she, wringing her hands. "It isn't that. Max, +dear Max, will you forgive me? It isn't the blow--I don't mind that; +it's--" + +"It's what, you--maudlin fool?" + +"IT'S THE PUNCH!" + +The Count, who was more than half seas over, here assumed an air of much +tipsy gravity. "The punch! No, I never will forgive you that last glass +of punch. Of all the foul, beastly drinks I ever tasted, that was the +worst. No, I never will forgive you that punch." + +"Oh, it isn't that, it isn't that!" said she. + +"I tell you it is that,--you! That punch, I say that punch was no better +than paw--aw-oison." And here the Count's head sank back, and he fell to +snore. + +"IT WAS POISON!" said she. + +"WHAT!" screamed he, waking up at once, and spurning her away from him. +"What, you infernal murderess, have you killed me?" + +"Oh, Max!--don't kill me, Max! It was laudanum--indeed it was. You were +going to be married, and I was furious, and I went and got--" + +"Hold your tongue, you fiend," roared out the Count; and with more +presence of mind than politeness, he flung the remainder of the liquor +(and, indeed, the glass with it) at the head of Mrs. Catherine. But the +poisoned chalice missed its mark, and fell right on the nose of Mr. Tom +Trippet, who was left asleep and unobserved under the table. + +Bleeding, staggering, swearing, indeed a ghastly sight, up sprang Mr. +Trippet, and drew his rapier. "Come on," says he; "never say die! What's +the row? I'm ready for a dozen of you." And he made many blind and +furious passes about the room. + +"Curse you, we'll die together!" shouted the Count, as he too pulled out +his toledo, and sprang at Mrs. Catherine. + +"Help! murder! thieves!" shrieked she. "Save me, Mr. Trippet, save me!" +and she placed that gentleman between herself and the Count, and then +made for the door of the bedroom, and gained it, and bolted it. + +"Out of the way, Trippet," roared the Count--"out of the way, you +drunken beast! I'll murder her, I will--I'll have the devil's life." And +here he gave a swinging cut at Mr. Trippet's sword: it sent the weapon +whirling clean out of his hand, and through a window into the street. + +"Take my life, then," said Mr. Trippet: "I'm drunk, but I'm a man, and, +damme! will never say die." + +"I don't want your life, you stupid fool. Hark you, Trippet, wake and +be sober, if you can. That woman has heard of my marriage with Miss +Dripping." + +"Twenty thousand pound," ejaculated Trippet. + +"She has been jealous, I tell you, and POISONED us. She has put laudanum +into the punch." + +"What, in MY punch?" said Trippet, growing quite sober and losing his +courage. "O Lord! O Lord!" + +"Don't stand howling there, but run for a doctor; 'tis our only chance." +And away ran Mr. Trippet, as if the deuce were at his heels. + +The Count had forgotten his murderous intentions regarding his mistress, +or had deferred them at least, under the consciousness of his own +pressing danger. And it must be said, in the praise of a man who had +fought for and against Marlborough and Tallard, that his courage in this +trying and novel predicament never for a moment deserted him, but that +he showed the greatest daring, as well as ingenuity, in meeting and +averting the danger. He flew to the sideboard, where were the relics of +a supper, and seizing the mustard and salt pots, and a bottle of oil, +he emptied them all into a jug, into which he further poured a vast +quantity of hot water. This pleasing mixture he then, without a moment's +hesitation, placed to his lips, and swallowed as much of it as nature +would allow him. But when he had imbibed about a quart, the anticipated +effect was produced, and he was enabled, by the power of this ingenious +extemporaneous emetic, to get rid of much of the poison which Mrs. +Catherine had administered to him. + +He was employed in these efforts when the doctor entered, along with +Mr. Brock and Mr. Trippet; who was not a little pleased to hear that +the poisoned punch had not in all probability been given to him. He +was recommended to take some of the Count's mixture, as a precautionary +measure; but this he refused, and retired home, leaving the Count under +charge of the physician and his faithful corporal. + +It is not necessary to say what further remedies were employed by +them to restore the Captain to health; but after some time the doctor, +pronouncing that the danger was, he hoped, averted, recommended that his +patient should be put to bed, and that somebody should sit by him; which +Brock promised to do. + +"That she-devil will murder me, if you don't," gasped the poor Count. +"You must turn her out of the bedroom; or break open the door, if she +refuses to let you in." + +And this step was found to be necessary; for, after shouting many +times, and in vain, Mr. Brock found a small iron bar (indeed, he had the +instrument for many days in his pocket), and forced the lock. The room +was empty, the window was open: the pretty barmaid of the "Bugle" had +fled. + +"The chest," said the Count--"is the chest safe?" + +The Corporal flew to the bed, under which it was screwed, and looked, +and said, "It IS safe, thank Heaven!" The window was closed. The +Captain, who was too weak to stand without help, was undressed and put +to bed. The Corporal sat down by his side; slumber stole over the eyes +of the patient; and his wakeful nurse marked with satisfaction the +progress of the beneficent restorer of health. + +When the Captain awoke, as he did some time afterwards, he found, very +much to his surprise, that a gag had been placed in his mouth, and that +the Corporal was in the act of wheeling his bed to another part of the +room. He attempted to move, and gave utterance to such unintelligible +sounds as could issue through a silk handkerchief. + +"If your honour stirs or cries out in the least, I will cut your +honour's throat," said the Corporal. + +And then, having recourse to his iron bar (the reader will now see why +he was provided with such an implement, for he had been meditating this +coup for some days), he proceeded first to attempt to burst the lock of +the little iron chest in which the Count kept his treasure, and, failing +in this, to unscrew it from the ground; which operation he performed +satisfactorily. + +"You see, Count," said he, calmly, "when rogues fall out there's the +deuce to pay. You'll have me drummed out of the regiment, will you? +I'm going to leave it of my own accord, look you, and to live like a +gentleman for the rest of my days. Schlafen Sie wohl, noble Captain: bon +repos. The Squire will be with you pretty early in the morning, to ask +for the money you owe him." + +With these sarcastic observations Mr. Brock departed; not by the window, +as Mrs. Catherine had done, but by the door, quietly, and so into +the street. And when, the next morning, the doctor came to visit his +patient, he brought with him a story how, at the dead of night, Mr. +Brock had roused the ostler at the stables where the Captain's horses +were kept--had told him that Mrs. Catherine had poisoned the Count, and +had run off with a thousand pounds; and how he and all lovers of justice +ought to scour the country in pursuit of the criminal. For this end Mr. +Brock mounted the Count's best horse--that very animal on which he +had carried away Mrs. Catherine: and thus, on a single night, Count +Maximilian had lost his mistress, his money, his horse, his corporal, +and was very near losing his life. + + + +CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH MRS. CATHERINE BECOMES AN HONEST WOMAN AGAIN. + + +In this woeful plight, moneyless, wifeless, horseless, corporalless, +with a gag in his mouth and a rope round his body, are we compelled to +leave the gallant Galgenstein, until his friends and the progress of +this history shall deliver him from his durance. Mr. Brock's adventures +on the Captain's horse must likewise be pretermitted; for it is our +business to follow Mrs. Catherine through the window by which she made +her escape, and among the various chances that befell her. + +She had one cause to congratulate herself,--that she had not her baby at +her back; for the infant was safely housed under the care of a nurse, +to whom the Captain was answerable. Beyond this her prospects were but +dismal: no home to fly to, but a few shillings in her pocket, and a +whole heap of injuries and dark revengeful thoughts in her bosom: it was +a sad task to her to look either backwards or forwards. Whither was she +to fly? How to live? What good chance was to befriend her? There was an +angel watching over the steps of Mrs. Cat--not a good one, I think, but +one of those from that unnameable place, who have their many subjects +here on earth, and often are pleased to extricate them from worse +perplexities. + +Mrs. Cat, now, had not committed murder, but as bad as murder; and as +she felt not the smallest repentance in her heart--as she had, in +the course of her life and connection with the Captain, performed and +gloried in a number of wicked coquetries, idlenesses, vanities, lies, +fits of anger, slanders, foul abuses, and what not--she was fairly bound +over to this dark angel whom we have alluded to; and he dealt with her, +and aided her, as one of his own children. + +I do not mean to say that, in this strait, he appeared to her in the +likeness of a gentleman in black, and made her sign her name in blood +to a document conveying over to him her soul, in exchange for certain +conditions to be performed by him. Such diabolical bargains have always +appeared to me unworthy of the astute personage who is supposed to be +one of the parties to them; and who would scarcely be fool enough to pay +dearly for that which he can have in a few years for nothing. It is not, +then, to be supposed that a demon of darkness appeared to Mrs. Cat, +and led her into a flaming chariot harnessed by dragons, and careering +through air at the rate of a thousand leagues a minute. No such thing; +the vehicle that was sent to aid her was one of a much more vulgar +description. + +The "Liverpool carryvan," then, which in the year 1706 used to perform +the journey between London and that place in ten days, left Birmingham +about an hour after Mrs. Catherine had quitted that town; and as she sat +weeping on a hillside, and plunged in bitter meditation, the lumbering, +jingling vehicle overtook her. The coachman was marching by the side of +his horses, and encouraging them to maintain their pace of two miles an +hour; the passengers had some of them left the vehicle, in order to +walk up the hill; and the carriage had arrived at the top of it, and, +meditating a brisk trot down the declivity, waited there until the +lagging passengers should arrive: when Jehu, casting a good-natured +glance upon Mrs. Catherine, asked the pretty maid whence she was come, +and whether she would like a ride in his carriage. To the latter of +which questions Mrs. Catherine replied truly yes; to the former, her +answer was that she had come from Stratford; whereas, as we very well +know, she had lately quitted Birmingham. + +"Hast thee seen a woman pass this way, on a black horse, with a large +bag of goold over the saddle?" said Jehu, preparing to mount upon the +roof of his coach. + +"No, indeed," said Mrs. Cat. + +"Nor a trooper on another horse after her--no? Well, there be a mortal +row down Birmingham way about sich a one. She have killed, they say, +nine gentlemen at supper, and have strangled a German prince in bed. +She have robbed him of twenty thousand guineas, and have rode away on a +black horse." + +"That can't be I," said Mrs. Cat, naively, "for I have but three +shillings and a groat." + +"No, it can't be thee, truly, for where's your bag of goold? and, +besides, thee hast got too pretty a face to do such wicked things as to +kill nine gentlemen and strangle a German prince." + +"Law, coachman," said Mrs. Cat, blushing archly-- "Law, coachman, DO you +think so?" The girl would have been pleased with a compliment even on +her way to be hanged; and the parley ended by Mrs. Catherine stepping +into the carriage, where there was room for eight people at least, and +where two or three individuals had already taken their places. For these +Mrs. Catherine had in the first place to make a story, which she did; +and a very glib one for a person of her years and education. Being asked +whither she was bound, and how she came to be alone of a morning sitting +by a road-side, she invented a neat history suitable to the occasion, +which elicited much interest from her fellow-passengers: one in +particular, a young man, who had caught a glimpse of her face under her +hood, was very tender in his attentions to her. + +But whether it was that she had been too much fatigued by the +occurrences of the past day and sleepless night, or whether the little +laudanum which she had drunk a few hours previously now began to act +upon her, certain it is that Mrs. Cat now suddenly grew sick, feverish, +and extraordinarily sleepy; and in this state she continued for +many hours, to the pity of all her fellow-travellers. At length the +"carryvan" reached the inn, where horses and passengers were accustomed +to rest for a few hours, and to dine; and Mrs. Catherine was somewhat +awakened by the stir of the passengers, and the friendly voice of the +inn-servant welcoming them to dinner. The gentleman who had been smitten +by her beauty now urged her very politely to descend; which, taking the +protection of his arm, she accordingly did. + +He made some very gallant speeches to her as she stepped out; and +she must have been very much occupied by them, or wrapt up in her own +thoughts, or stupefied by sleep, fever, and opium, for she did not take +any heed of the place into which she was going: which, had she done, +she would probably have preferred remaining in the coach, dinnerless and +ill. Indeed, the inn into which she was about to make her entrance was +no other than the "Bugle," from which she set forth at the commencement +of this history; and which then, as now, was kept by her relative, the +thrifty Mrs. Score. That good landlady, seeing a lady, in a smart hood +and cloak, leaning, as if faint, upon the arm of a gentleman of good +appearance, concluded them to be man and wife, and folks of quality too; +and with much discrimination, as well as sympathy, led them through the +public kitchen to her own private parlour, or bar, where she handed the +lady an armchair, and asked what she would like to drink. By this time, +and indeed at the very moment she heard her aunt's voice, Mrs. Catherine +was aware of her situation; and when her companion retired, and the +landlady, with much officiousness, insisted on removing her hood, she +was quite prepared for the screech of surprise which Mrs. Score gave on +dropping it, exclaiming, "Why, law bless us, it's our Catherine!" + +"I'm very ill, and tired, aunt," said Cat; "and would give the world for +a few hours' sleep." + +"A few hours and welcome, my love, and a sack-posset too. You do look +sadly tired and poorly, sure enough. Ah, Cat, Cat! you great ladies +are sad rakes, I do believe. I wager now, that with all your balls, and +carriages, and fine clothes, you are neither so happy nor so well as +when you lived with your poor old aunt, who used to love you so." And +with these gentle words, and an embrace or two, which Mrs. Catherine +wondered at, and permitted, she was conducted to that very bed which the +Count had occupied a year previously, and undressed, and laid in it, and +affectionately tucked up by her aunt, who marvelled at the fineness of +her clothes, as she removed them piece by piece; and when she saw +that in Mrs. Catherine's pocket there was only the sum of three and +fourpence, said, archly, "There was no need of money, for the Captain +took care of that." + +Mrs. Cat did not undeceive her; and deceived Mrs. Score certainly +was,--for she imagined the well-dressed gentleman who led Cat from the +carriage was no other than the Count; and, as she had heard, from time +to time, exaggerated reports of the splendour of the establishment which +he kept up, she was induced to look upon her niece with the very highest +respect, and to treat her as if she were a fine lady. "And so she IS +a fine lady," Mrs. Score had said months ago, when some of these +flattering stories reached her, and she had overcome her first fury at +Catherine's elopement. "The girl was very cruel to leave me; but we must +recollect that she is as good as married to a nobleman, and must all +forget and forgive, you know." + +This speech had been made to Doctor Dobbs, who was in the habit of +taking a pipe and a tankard at the "Bugle," and it had been roundly +reprobated by the worthy divine; who told Mrs. Score, that the crime +of Catherine was only the more heinous, if it had been committed from +interested motives; and protested that, were she a princess, he would +never speak to her again. Mrs. Score thought and pronounced the Doctor's +opinion to be very bigoted; indeed, she was one of those persons who +have a marvellous respect for prosperity, and a corresponding scorn for +ill-fortune. When, therefore, she returned to the public room, she +went graciously to the gentleman who had led Mrs. Catherine from the +carriage, and with a knowing curtsey welcomed him to the "Bugle;" told +him that his lady would not come to dinner, but bade her say, with her +best love to his Lordship, that the ride had fatigued her, and that she +would lie in bed for an hour or two. + +This speech was received with much wonder by his Lordship; who was, +indeed, no other than a Liverpool tailor going to London to learn +fashions; but he only smiled, and did not undeceive the landlady, who +herself went off, smilingly, to bustle about dinner. + +The two or three hours allotted to that meal by the liberal coachmasters +of those days passed away, and Mr. Coachman, declaring that his horses +were now rested enough, and that they had twelve miles to ride, put the +steeds to, and summoned the passengers. Mrs. Score, who had seen with +much satisfaction that her niece was really ill, and her fever more +violent, and hoped to have her for many days an inmate in her house, now +came forward, and casting upon the Liverpool tailor a look of profound +but respectful melancholy, said, "My Lord (for I recollect your Lordship +quite well), the lady upstairs is so ill, that it would be a sin to move +her: had I not better tell coachman to take down your Lordship's trunks, +and the lady's, and make you a bed in the next room?" + +Very much to her surprise, this proposition was received with a roar +of laughter. "Madam," said the person addressed, "I'm not a lord, but +a tailor and draper; and as for that young woman, before to-day I never +set eyes on her." + +"WHAT!" screamed out Mrs. Score. "Are not you the Count? Do you mean to +say that you a'n't Cat's--? DO you mean to say that you didn't order her +bed, and that you won't pay this here little bill?" And with this she +produced a document, by which the Count's lady was made her debtor in a +sum of half-a-guinea. + +These passionate words excited more and more laughter. "Pay it, my +Lord," said the coachman; "and then come along, for time presses." "Our +respects to her Ladyship," said one passenger. "Tell her my Lord can't +wait," said another; and with much merriment one and all quitted the +hotel, entered the coach, and rattled off. + +Dumb--pale with terror and rage--bill in hand, Mrs. Score had followed +the company; but when the coach disappeared, her senses returned. Back +she flew into the inn, overturning the ostler, not deigning to answer +Doctor Dobbs (who, from behind soft tobacco-fumes, mildly asked the +reason of her disturbance), and, bounding upstairs like a fury, she +rushed into the room where Catherine lay. + +"Well, madam!" said she, in her highest key, "do you mean that you have +come into this here house to swindle me? Do you dare for to come with +your airs here, and call yourself a nobleman's lady, and sleep in the +best bed, when you're no better nor a common tramper? I'll thank you, +ma'am, to get out, ma'am. I'll have no sick paupers in this house, +ma'am. You know your way to the workhouse, ma'am, and there I'll trouble +you for to go." And here Mrs. Score proceeded quickly to pull off the +bedclothes; and poor Cat arose, shivering with fright and fever. + +She had no spirit to answer, as she would have done the day before, when +an oath from any human being would have brought half-a-dozen from her in +return; or a knife, or a plate, or a leg of mutton, if such had been to +her hand. She had no spirit left for such repartees; but in reply to the +above words of Mrs. Score, and a great many more of the same kind--which +are not necessary for our history, but which that lady uttered with +inconceivable shrillness and volubility, the poor wench could say +little,--only sob and shiver, and gather up the clothes again, crying, +"Oh, aunt, don't speak unkind to me! I'm very unhappy, and very ill!" + +"Ill, you strumpet! ill, be hanged! Ill is as ill does; and if you are +ill, it's only what you merit. Get out! dress yourself--tramp! Get to +the workhouse, and don't come to cheat me any more! Dress yourself--do +you hear? Satin petticoat forsooth, and lace to her smock!" + +Poor, wretched, chattering, burning, shivering Catherine huddled on her +clothes as well she might: she seemed hardly to know or see what she was +doing, and did not reply a single word to the many that the landlady let +fall. Cat tottered down the narrow stairs, and through the kitchen, and +to the door; which she caught hold of, and paused awhile, and looked +into Mrs. Score's face, as for one more chance. "Get out, you nasty +trull!" said that lady, sternly, with arms akimbo; and poor Catherine, +with a most piteous scream and outgush of tears, let go of the door-post +and staggered away into the road. + + ***** + +"Why, no--yes--no--it is poor Catherine Hall, as I live!" said somebody, +starting up, shoving aside Mrs. Score very rudely, and running into +the road, wig off and pipe in hand. It was honest Doctor Dobbs; and +the result of his interview with Mrs. Cat was, that he gave up for ever +smoking his pipe at the "Bugle;" and that she lay sick of a fever for +some weeks in his house. + + ***** + +Over this part of Mrs. Cat's history we shall be as brief as possible; +for, to tell the truth, nothing immoral occurred during her whole stay +at the good Doctor's house; and we are not going to insult the reader +by offering him silly pictures of piety, cheerfulness, good sense, and +simplicity; which are milk-and-water virtues after all, and have no +relish with them like a good strong vice, highly peppered. Well, to be +short: Doctor Dobbs, though a profound theologian, was a very simple +gentleman; and before Mrs. Cat had been a month in the house, he had +learned to look upon her as one of the most injured and repentant +characters in the world; and had, with Mrs. Dobbs, resolved many plans +for the future welfare of the young Magdalen. "She was but sixteen, my +love, recollect," said the Doctor; "she was carried off, not by her own +wish either. The Count swore he would marry her; and, though she did not +leave him until that monster tried to poison her, yet think what a +fine Christian spirit the poor girl has shown! she forgives him as +heartily--more heartily, I am sure, than I do Mrs. Score for turning her +adrift in that wicked way." The reader will perceive some difference in +the Doctor's statement and ours, which we assure him is the true one; +but the fact is, the honest rector had had his tale from Mrs. Cat, and +it was not in his nature to doubt, if she had told him a history ten +times more wonderful. + +The reverend gentleman and his wife then laid their heads together; and, +recollecting something of John Hayes's former attachment to Mrs. Cat, +thought that it might be advantageously renewed, should Hayes be still +constant. Having very adroitly sounded Catherine (so adroitly, indeed, +as to ask her "whether she would like to marry John Hayes?"), that young +woman had replied, "No. She had loved John Hayes--he had been her early, +only love; but she was fallen now, and not good enough for him." And +this made the Dobbs family admire her more and more, and cast about for +means to bring the marriage to pass. + +Hayes was away from the village when Mrs. Cat had arrived there; but he +did not fail to hear of her illness, and how her aunt had deserted her, +and the good Doctor taken her in. The worthy Doctor himself met Mr. +Hayes on the green; and, telling him that some repairs were wanting in +his kitchen begged him to step in and examine them. Hayes first said no, +plump, and then no, gently; and then pished, and then psha'd; and then, +trembling very much, went in: and there sat Mrs. Catherine, trembling +very much too. + +What passed between them? If your Ladyship is anxious to know, think of +that morning when Sir John himself popped the question. Could there be +anything more stupid than the conversation which took place? Such stuff +is not worth repeating: no, not when uttered by people in the very +genteelest of company; as for the amorous dialogue of a carpenter and +an ex-barmaid, it is worse still. Suffice it to say, that Mr. Hayes, who +had had a year to recover from his passion, and had, to all appearances, +quelled it, was over head and ears again the very moment he saw Mrs. +Cat, and had all his work to do again. + +Whether the Doctor knew what was going on, I can't say; but this matter +is certain, that every evening Hayes was now in the rectory kitchen, or +else walking abroad with Mrs. Catherine: and whether she ran away with +him, or he with her, I shall not make it my business to inquire; but +certainly at the end of three months (which must be crowded up into this +one little sentence), another elopement took place in the village. "I +should have prevented it, certainly," said Doctor Dobbs--whereat his +wife smiled; "but the young people kept the matter a secret from me." +And so he would, had he known it; but though Mrs. Dobbs had made +several attempts to acquaint him with the precise hour and method of the +intended elopement, he peremptorily ordered her to hold her tongue. The +fact is, that the matter had been discussed by the rector's lady many +times. "Young Hayes," would she say "has a pretty little fortune and +trade of his own; he is an only son, and may marry as he likes; and, +though not specially handsome, generous, or amiable, has an undeniable +love for Cat (who, you know, must not be particular), and the sooner she +marries him, I think, the better. They can't be married at our +church you know, and--" "Well," said the Doctor, "if they are married +elsewhere, I can't help it, and know nothing about it, look you." And +upon this hint the elopement took place: which, indeed, was peaceably +performed early one Sunday morning about a month after; Mrs. Hall +getting behind Mr. Hayes on a pillion, and all the children of the +parsonage giggling behind the window-blinds to see the pair go off. + +During this month Mr. Hayes had caused the banns to be published at the +town of Worcester; judging rightly that in a great town they would cause +no such remark as in a solitary village, and thither he conducted his +lady. O ill-starred John Hayes! whither do the dark Fates lead you? O +foolish Doctor Dobbs, to forget that young people ought to honour their +parents, and to yield to silly Mrs. Dobbs's ardent propensity for making +matches! + + ***** + +The London Gazette of the 1st April, 1706, contains a proclamation +by the Queen for putting into execution an Act of Parliament for the +encouragement and increase of seamen, and for the better and speedier +manning of Her Majesty's fleet, which authorises all justices to issue +warrants to constables, petty constables, headboroughs, and tything-men, +to enter and, if need be, to break open the doors of any houses where +they shall believe deserting seamen to be; and for the further increase +and encouragement of the navy, to take able-bodied landsmen when seamen +fail. This Act, which occupies four columns of the Gazette, and another +of similar length and meaning for pressing men into the army, need +not be quoted at length here; but caused a mighty stir throughout the +kingdom at the time when it was in force. + +As one has seen or heard, after the march of a great army, a number of +rogues and loose characters bring up the rear; in like manner, at +the tail of a great measure of State, follow many roguish personal +interests, which are protected by the main body. The great measure of +Reform, for instance, carried along with it much private jobbing and +swindling--as could be shown were we not inclined to deal mildly with +the Whigs; and this Enlistment Act, which, in order to maintain the +British glories in Flanders, dealt most cruelly with the British people +in England (it is not the first time that a man has been pinched at home +to make a fine appearance abroad), created a great company of rascals +and informers throughout the land, who lived upon it; or upon extortion +from those who were subject to it, or not being subject to it were +frightened into the belief that they were. + +When Mr. Hayes and his lady had gone through the marriage ceremony at +Worcester, the former, concluding that at such a place lodging and food +might be procured at a cheaper rate, looked about carefully for the +meanest public-house in the town, where he might deposit his bride. + +In the kitchen of this inn, a party of men were drinking; and, as +Mrs. Hayes declined, with a proper sense of her superiority, to eat in +company with such low fellows, the landlady showed her and her husband +to an inner apartment, where they might be served in private. + +The kitchen party seemed, indeed, not such as a lady would choose to +join. There was one huge lanky fellow, that looked like a soldier, +and had a halberd; another was habited in a sailor's costume, with a +fascinating patch over one eye; and a third, who seemed the leader +of the gang, was a stout man in a sailor's frock and a horseman's +jack-boots, whom one might fancy, if he were anything, to be a +horse-marine. + +Of one of these worthies, Mrs. Hayes thought she knew the figure and +voice; and she found her conjectures were true, when, all of sudden, +three people, without "With your leave," or "By your leave," burst into +the room, into which she and her spouse had retired. At their head was +no other than her old friend, Mr. Peter Brock; he had his sword drawn, +and his finger to his lips, enjoining silence, as it were, to Mrs. +Catherine. He with the patch on his eye seized incontinently on Mr. +Hayes; the tall man with the halberd kept the door; two or three heroes +supported the one-eyed man; who, with a loud voice, exclaimed, "Down +with your arms--no resistance! you are my prisoner, in the Queen's +name!" + +And here, at this lock, we shall leave the whole company until the next +chapter; which may possibly explain what they were. + + + +CHAPTER V. CONTAINS MR. BROCK'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND OTHER MATTERS. + + +"You don't sure believe these men?" said Mrs. Hayes, as soon as the +first alarm caused by the irruption of Mr. Brock and his companions had +subsided. "These are no magistrate's men: it is but a trick to rob you +of your money, John." + +"I will never give up a farthing of it!" screamed Hayes. + +"Yonder fellow," continued Mrs. Catherine, "I know, for all his drawn +sword and fierce looks; his name is---" + +"Wood, madam, at your service!" said Mr. Brock. "I am follower to Mr. +Justice Gobble, of this town: a'n't I, Tim?" said Mr. Brock to the tall +halberdman who was keeping the door. + +"Yes indeed," said Tim, archly; "we're all followers of his honour +Justice Gobble." + +"Certainly!" said the one-eyed man. + +"Of course!" cried the man in the nightcap. + +"I suppose, madam, you're satisfied NOW?" continued Mr. Brock, alias +Wood. "You can't deny the testimony of gentlemen like these; and our +commission is to apprehend all able-bodied male persons who can give +no good account of themselves, and enrol them in the service of Her +Majesty. Look at this Mr. Hayes" (who stood trembling in his shoes). +"Can there be a bolder, properer, straighter gentleman? We'll have him +for a grenadier before the day's over!" + +"Take heart, John--don't be frightened. Psha! I tell you I know the man" +cried out Mrs. Hayes: "he is only here to extort money." + +"Oh, for that matter, I DO think I recollect the lady. Let me see; where +was it? At Birmingham, I think,--ay, at Birmingham,--about the time when +they tried to murder Count Gal--" + +"Oh, sir!" here cried Madam Hayes, dropping her voice at once from a +tone of scorn to one of gentlest entreaty, "what is it you want with my +husband? I know not, indeed, if ever I saw you before. For what do you +seize him? How much will you take to release him, and let us go? Name +the sum; he is rich, and--" + +"RICH, Catherine!" cried Hayes. "Rich!--O heavens! Sir, I have nothing +but my hands to support me: I am a poor carpenter, sir, working under my +father!" + +"He can give twenty guineas to be free; I know he can!" said Mrs. Cat. + +"I have but a guinea to carry me home," sighed out Hayes. + +"But you have twenty at home, John," said his wife. "Give these brave +gentlemen a writing to your mother, and she will pay; and you will let +us free then, gentlemen--won't you?" + +"When the money's paid, yes," said the leader, Mr. Brock. + +"Oh, in course," echoed the tall man with the halberd. "What's a +thrifling detintion, my dear?" continued he, addressing Hayes. "We'll +amuse you in your absence, and drink to the health of your pretty wife +here." + +This promise, to do the halberdier justice, he fulfilled. He called upon +the landlady to produce the desired liquor; and when Mr. Hayes flung +himself at that lady's feet, demanding succour from her, and asking +whether there was no law in the land-- + +"There's no law at the 'Three Rooks' except THIS!" said Mr. Brock +in reply, holding up a horse-pistol. To which the hostess, grinning, +assented, and silently went her way. + +After some further solicitations, John Hayes drew out the necessary +letter to his father, stating that he was pressed, and would not be set +free under a sum of twenty guineas; and that it would be of no use +to detain the bearer of the letter, inasmuch as the gentlemen who had +possession of him vowed that they would murder him should any harm +befall their comrade. As a further proof of the authenticity of the +letter, a token was added: a ring that Hayes wore, and that his mother +had given him. + +The missives were, after some consultation, entrusted to the care of the +tall halberdier, who seemed to rank as second in command of the +forces that marched under Corporal Brock. This gentleman was called +indifferently Ensign, Mr., or even Captain Macshane; his intimates +occasionally in sport called him Nosey, from the prominence of that +feature in his countenance; or Spindleshins, for the very reason which +brought on the first Edward a similar nickname. Mr. Macshane then +quitted Worcester, mounted on Hayes's horse; leaving all parties at the +"Three Rooks" not a little anxious for his return. + +This was not to be expected until the next morning; and a weary nuit de +noces did Mr. Hayes pass. Dinner was served, and, according to promise, +Mr. Brock and his two friends enjoyed the meal along with the bride and +bridegroom. Punch followed, and this was taken in company; then came +supper. Mr. Brock alone partook of this, the other two gentlemen +preferring the society of their pipes and the landlady in the kitchen. + +"It is a sorry entertainment, I confess," said the ex-corporal, "and a +dismal way for a gentleman to spend his bridal night; but somebody must +stay with you, my dears: for who knows but you might take a fancy to +scream out of window, and then there would be murder, and the deuce and +all to pay. One of us must stay, and my friends love a pipe, so you must +put up with my company until they can relieve guard." + +The reader will not, of course, expect that three people who were to +pass the night, however unwillingly, together in an inn-room, should +sit there dumb and moody, and without any personal communication; on the +contrary, Mr. Brock, as an old soldier, entertained his prisoners with +the utmost courtesy, and did all that lay in his power, by the help +of liquor and conversation, to render their durance tolerable. On +the bridegroom his attentions were a good deal thrown away: Mr. Hayes +consented to drink copiously, but could not be made to talk much; and, +in fact, the fright of the seizure, the fate hanging over him should his +parents refuse a ransom, and the tremendous outlay of money which would +take place should they accede to it, weighed altogether on his mind so +much as utterly to unman it. + +As for Mrs. Cat, I don't think she was at all sorry in her heart to see +the old Corporal: for he had been a friend of old times--dear times to +her; she had had from him, too, and felt for him, not a little kindness; +and there was really a very tender, innocent friendship subsisting +between this pair of rascals, who relished much a night's conversation +together. + +The Corporal, after treating his prisoners to punch in great quantities, +proposed the amusement of cards: over which Mr. Hayes had not been +occupied more than an hour, when he found himself so excessively sleepy +as to be persuaded to fling himself down on the bed dressed as he was, +and there to snore away until morning. + +Mrs. Catherine had no inclination for sleep; and the Corporal, equally +wakeful, plied incessantly the bottle, and held with her a great deal +of conversation. The sleep, which was equivalent to the absence, of John +Hayes took all restraint from their talk. She explained to Brock the +circumstances of her marriage, which we have already described; they +wondered at the chance which had brought them together at the "Three +Rooks;" nor did Brock at all hesitate to tell her at once that his +calling was quite illegal, and that his intention was simply to extort +money. The worthy Corporal had not the slightest shame regarding his +own profession, and cut many jokes with Mrs. Cat about her late one; her +attempt to murder the Count, and her future prospects as a wife. + +And here, having brought him upon the scene again, we may as well +shortly narrate some of the principal circumstances which befell him +after his sudden departure from Birmingham; and which he narrated with +much candour to Mrs. Catherine. + +He rode the Captain's horse to Oxford (having exchanged his military +dress for a civil costume on the road), and at Oxford he disposed of +"George of Denmark," a great bargain, to one of the heads of colleges. +As soon as Mr. Brock, who took on himself the style and title of Captain +Wood, had sufficiently examined the curiosities of the University, he +proceeded at once to the capital: the only place for a gentleman of his +fortune and figure. + +Here he read, with a great deal of philosophical indifference, in the +Daily Post, the Courant, the Observator, the Gazette, and the chief +journals of those days, which he made a point of examining at "Button's" +and "Will's," an accurate description of his person, his clothes, and +the horse he rode, and a promise of fifty guineas' reward to any person +who would give an account of him (so that he might be captured) to +Captain Count Galgenstein at Birmingham, to Mr. Murfey at the "Golden +Ball" in the Savoy, or Mr. Bates at the "Blew Anchor in Pickadilly." But +Captain Wood, in an enormous full-bottomed periwig that cost him sixty +pounds,[*] with high red heels to his shoes, a silver sword, and a +gold snuff-box, and a large wound (obtained, he said, at the siege of +Barcelona), which disfigured much of his countenance, and caused him to +cover one eye, was in small danger, he thought, of being mistaken for +Corporal Brock, the deserter of Cutts's; and strutted along the Mall +with as grave an air as the very best nobleman who appeared there. +He was generally, indeed, voted to be very good company; and as his +expenses were unlimited ("A few convent candlesticks," my dear, he used +to whisper, "melt into a vast number of doubloons"), he commanded as +good society as he chose to ask for: and it was speedily known as a fact +throughout town, that Captain Wood, who had served under His Majesty +Charles III. of Spain, had carried off the diamond petticoat of Our Lady +of Compostella, and lived upon the proceeds of the fraud. People were +good Protestants in those days, and many a one longed to have been his +partner in the pious plunder. + + * In the ingenious contemporary history of Moll Flanders, a + periwig is mentioned as costing that sum. + +All surmises concerning his wealth, Captain Wood, with much discretion, +encouraged. He contradicted no report, but was quite ready to confirm +all; and when two different rumours were positively put to him, he used +only to laugh, and say, "My dear sir, _I_ don't make the stories; but +I'm not called upon to deny them; and I give you fair warning, that I +shall assent to every one of them; so you may believe them or not, as +you please." And so he had the reputation of being a gentleman, not only +wealthy, but discreet. In truth, it was almost a pity that worthy Brock +had not been a gentleman born; in which case, doubtless, he would have +lived and died as became his station; for he spent his money like +a gentleman, he loved women like a gentleman, he would fight like a +gentleman, he gambled and got drunk like a gentleman. What did he want +else? Only a matter of six descents, a little money, and an estate, to +render him the equal of St. John or Harley. "Ah, those were merry days!" +would Mr. Brock say,--for he loved, in a good old age, to recount the +story of his London fashionable campaign;--"and when I think how near +I was to become a great man, and to die perhaps a general, I can't but +marvel at the wicked obstinacy of my ill-luck." + +"I will tell you what I did, my dear: I had lodgings in Piccadilly, as +if I were a lord; I had two large periwigs, and three suits of laced +clothes; I kept a little black dressed out like a Turk; I walked daily +in the Mall; I dined at the politest ordinary in Covent Garden; I +frequented the best of coffee-houses, and knew all the pretty fellows of +the town; I cracked a bottle with Mr. Addison, and lent many a piece to +Dick Steele (a sad debauched rogue, my dear); and, above all, I'll tell +you what I did--the noblest stroke that sure ever a gentleman performed +in my situation. + +"One day, going into 'Will's,' I saw a crowd of gentlemen gathered +together, and heard one of them say, 'Captain Wood! I don't know the +man; but there was a Captain Wood in Southwell's regiment.' Egad, it was +my Lord Peterborough himself who was talking about me. So, putting off +my hat, I made a most gracious conge to my Lord, and said I knew HIM, +and rode behind him at Barcelona on our entry into that town. + +"'No doubt you did, Captain Wood,' says my Lord, taking my hand; 'and +no doubt you know me: for many more know Tom Fool, than Tom Fool knows.' +And with this, at which all of us laughed, my Lord called for a bottle, +and he and I sat down and drank it together. + +"Well, he was in disgrace, as you know, but he grew mighty fond of me, +and--would you believe it?--nothing would satisfy him but presenting me +at Court! Yes, to Her Sacred Majesty the Queen, and my Lady Marlborough, +who was in high feather. Ay, truly, the sentinels on duty used to +salute me as if I were Corporal John himself! I was on the high road to +fortune. Charley Mordaunt used to call me Jack, and drink canary at my +chambers; I used to make one at my Lord Treasurer's levee; I had +even got Mr. Army-Secretary Walpole to take a hundred guineas as a +compliment: and he had promised me a majority: when bad luck turned, and +all my fine hopes were overthrown in a twinkling. + +"You see, my dear, that after we had left that gaby, Galgenstein,--ha, +ha--with a gag in his mouth, and twopence-halfpenny in his pocket, the +honest Count was in the sorriest plight in the world; owing money here +and there to tradesmen, a cool thousand to the Warwickshire Squire: and +all this on eighty pounds a year! Well, for a little time the tradesmen +held their hands; while the jolly Count moved heaven and earth to +catch hold of his dear Corporal and his dear money-bags over again, and +placarded every town from London to Liverpool with descriptions of my +pretty person. The bird was flown, however,--the money clean gone,--and +when there was no hope of regaining it, what did the creditors do but +clap my gay gentleman into Shrewsbury gaol: where I wish he had rotted, +for my part. + +"But no such luck for honest Peter Brock, or Captain Wood, as he was in +those days. One blessed Monday I went to wait on Mr. Secretary, and +he squeezed my hand and whispered to me that I was to be Major of a +regiment in Virginia--the very thing: for you see, my dear, I didn't +care about joining my Lord Duke in Flanders; being pretty well known +to the army there. The Secretary squeezed my hand (it had a fifty-pound +bill in it) and wished me joy, and called me Major, and bowed me out of +his closet into the ante-room; and, as gay as may be, I went off to +the 'Tilt-yard Coffee-house' in Whitehall, which is much frequented by +gentlemen of our profession, where I bragged not a little of my good +luck. + +"Amongst the company were several of my acquaintance, and amongst them +a gentleman I did not much care to see, look you! I saw a uniform that +I knew--red and yellow facings--Cutts's, my dear; and the wearer of this +was no other than his Excellency Gustavus Adolphus Maximilian, whom we +all know of! + +"He stared me full in the face, right into my eye (t'other one was +patched, you know), and after standing stock-still with his mouth open, +gave a step back, and then a step forward, and then screeched out, 'It's +Brock!' + +"'I beg your pardon, sir,' says I; 'did you speak to me?' + +"'I'll SWEAR it's Brock,' cries Gal, as soon as he hears my voice, and +laid hold of my cuff (a pretty bit of Mechlin as ever you saw, by the +way). + +"'Sirrah!' says I, drawing it back, and giving my Lord a little touch +of the fist (just at the last button of the waistcoat, my dear,--a rare +place if you wish to prevent a man from speaking too much: it sent him +reeling to the other end of the room). 'Ruffian!' says I. 'Dog!' says +I. 'Insolent puppy and coxcomb! what do you mean by laying your hand on +me?' + +"'Faith, Major, you giv him his BILLYFUL,' roared out a long Irish +unattached ensign, that I had treated with many a glass of Nantz at the +tavern. And so, indeed, I had; for the wretch could not speak for some +minutes, and all the officers stood laughing at him, as he writhed and +wriggled hideously. + +"'Gentlemen, this is a monstrous scandal,' says one officer. 'Men of +rank and honour at fists like a parcel of carters!' + +"'Men of honour!' says the Count, who had fetched up his breath by this +time. (I made for the door, but Macshane held me and said, 'Major, you +are not going to shirk him, sure?' Whereupon I gripped his hand and +vowed I would have the dog's life.) + +"'Men of honour!' says the Count. 'I tell you the man is a deserter, a +thief, and a swindler! He was my corporal, and ran away with a thou--' + +"'Dog, you lie!' I roared out, and made another cut at him with my cane; +but the gentlemen rushed between us. + +"'O bluthanowns!' says honest Macshane, 'the lying scounthrel this +fellow is! Gentlemen, I swear be me honour that Captain Wood was wounded +at Barcelona; and that I saw him there; and that he and I ran away +together at the battle of Almanza, and bad luck to us.' + +"You see, my dear, that these Irish have the strongest imaginations in +the world; and that I had actually persuaded poor Mac that he and I were +friends in Spain. Everybody knew Mac, who was a character in his way, +and believed him. + +"'Strike a gentleman,' says I. 'I'll have your blood, I will.' + +"'This instant,' says the Count, who was boiling with fury; 'and where +you like.' + +"'Montague House,' says I. 'Good,' says he. And off we went. In +good time too, for the constables came in at the thought of such a +disturbance, and wanted to take us in charge. + +"But the gentlemen present, being military men, would not hear of +this. Out came Mac's rapier, and that of half-a-dozen others; and the +constables were then told to do their duty if they liked, or to take a +crown-piece, and leave us to ourselves. Off they went; and presently, in +a couple of coaches, the Count and his friends, I and mine, drove off to +the fields behind Montague House. Oh that vile coffee-house! why did I +enter it? + +"We came to the ground. Honest Macshane was my second, and much +disappointed because the second on the other side would not make a fight +of it, and exchange a few passes with him; but he was an old major, +a cool old hand, as brave as steel, and no fool. Well, the swords +are measured, Galgenstein strips off his doublet, and I my handsome +cut-velvet in like fashion. Galgenstein flings off his hat, and I handed +mine over--the lace on it cost me twenty pounds. I longed to be at him, +for--curse him!--I hate him, and know that he has no chance with me at +sword's-play. + +"'You'll not fight in that periwig, sure?' says Macshane. 'Of course +not,' says I, and took it off. + +"May all barbers be roasted in flames; may all periwigs, bobwigs, +scratchwigs, and Ramillies cocks, frizzle in purgatory from this day +forth to the end of time! Mine was the ruin of me: what might I not have +been now but for that wig! + +"I gave it over to Ensign Macshane, and with it went what I had quite +forgotten, the large patch which I wore over one eye, which popped out +fierce, staring, and lively as was ever any eye in the world. + +"'Come on!' says I, and made a lunge at my Count; but he sprang back +(the dog was as active as a hare, and knew, from old times, that I was +his master with the small-sword), and his second, wondering, struck up +my blade. + +"'I will not fight that man,' says he, looking mighty pale. 'I swear +upon my honour that his name is Peter Brock: he was for two years +my corporal, and deserted, running away with a thousand pounds of my +moneys. Look at the fellow! What is the matter with his eye? why did he +wear a patch over it? But stop!' says he. 'I have more proof. Hand me +my pocket-book.' And from it, sure enough, he produced the infernal +proclamation announcing my desertion! 'See if the fellow has a scar +across his left ear' (and I can't say, my dear, but what I have: it was +done by a cursed Dutchman at the Boyne). 'Tell me if he has not got +C.R. in blue upon his right arm' (and there it is sure enough). 'Yonder +swaggering Irishman may be his accomplice for what I know; but I will +have no dealings with Mr. Brock, save with a constable for a second.' + +"'This is an odd story, Captain Wood,' said the old Major who acted for +the Count. + +"'A scounthrelly falsehood regarding me and my friend!' shouted out Mr. +Macshane; 'and the Count shall answer for it.' + +"'Stop, stop!' says the Major. 'Captain Wood is too gallant a gentleman, +I am sure, not to satisfy the Count; and will show us that he has no +such mark on his arm as only private soldiers put there.' + +"'Captain Wood,' says I, 'will do no such thing, Major. I'll fight that +scoundrel Galgenstein, or you, or any of you, like a man of honour; but +I won't submit to be searched like a thief!' + +"'No, in coorse,' said Macshane. + +"'I must take my man off the ground,' says the Major. + +"'Well, take him, sir,' says I, in a rage; 'and just let me have the +pleasure of telling him that he's a coward and a liar; and that my +lodgings are in Piccadilly, where, if ever he finds courage to meet me, +he may hear of me!' + +"'Faugh! I shpit on ye all,' cries my gallant ally Macshane. And sure +enough he kept his word, or all but--suiting the action to it at any +rate. + +"And so we gathered up our clothes, and went back in our separate +coaches, and no blood spilt. + +"'And is it thrue now,' said Mr. Macshane, when we were alone--'is +it thrue now, all these divvles have been saying?' 'Ensign,' says I, +'you're a man of the world?' + +"''Deed and I am, and insign these twenty-two years.' + +"'Perhaps you'd like a few pieces?' says I. + +"'Faith and I should; for to tell you the secred thrut, I've not tasted +mate these four days.' + +"'Well then, Ensign, it IS true,' says I; 'and as for meat, you shall +have some at the first cook-shop.' I bade the coach stop until he bought +a plateful, which he ate in the carriage, for my time was precious. I +just told him the whole story: at which he laughed, and swore that it +was the best piece of GENERALSHIP he ever heard on. When his belly was +full, I took out a couple of guineas and gave them to him. Mr. Macshane +began to cry at this, and kissed me, and swore he never would desert me: +as, indeed, my dear, I don't think he will; for we have been the best of +friends ever since, and he's the only man I ever could trust, I think. + +"I don't know what put it into my head, but I had a scent of some +mischief in the wind; so stopped the coach a little before I got home, +and, turning into a tavern, begged Macshane to go before me to my +lodging, and see if the coast was clear: which he did; and came back to +me as pale as death, saying that the house was full of constables. The +cursed quarrel at the Tilt-yard had, I suppose, set the beaks upon me; +and a pretty sweep they made of it. Ah, my dear! five hundred pounds +in money, five suits of laced clothes, three periwigs, besides laced +shirts, swords, canes, and snuff-boxes; and all to go back to that +scoundrel Count. + +"It was all over with me, I saw--no more being a gentleman for me; and +if I remained to be caught, only a choice between Tyburn and a file +of grenadiers. My love, under such circumstances, a gentleman can't be +particular, and must be prompt; the livery-stable was hard by where I +used to hire my coach to go to Court,--ha! ha!--and was known as a man +of substance. Thither I went immediately. 'Mr. Warmmash,' says I, +'my gallant friend here and I have a mind for a ride and a supper at +Twickenham, so you must lend us a pair of your best horses.' Which he +did in a twinkling, and off we rode. + +"We did not go into the Park, but turned off and cantered smartly up +towards Kilburn; and, when we got into the country, galloped as if +the devil were at our heels. Bless you, my love, it was all done in +a minute: and the Ensign and I found ourselves regular knights of the +road, before we knew where we were almost. Only think of our finding you +and your new husband at the 'Three Rooks'! There's not a greater fence +than the landlady in all the country. It was she that put us on seizing +your husband, and introduced us to the other two gentlemen, whose names +I don't know any more than the dead." + +"And what became of the horses?" said Mrs. Catherine to Mr. Brock, when +his tale was finished. + +"Rips, madam," said he; "mere rips. We sold them at Stourbridge fair, +and got but thirteen guineas for the two." + +"And--and--the Count, Max; where is he, Brock?" sighed she. + +"Whew!" whistled Mr. Brock. "What, hankering after him still? My dear, +he is off to Flanders with his regiment; and, I make no doubt, there +have been twenty Countesses of Galgenstein since your time." + +"I don't believe any such thing, sir," said Mrs. Catherine, starting up +very angrily. + +"If you did, I suppose you'd laudanum him; wouldn't you?" + +"Leave the room, fellow," said the lady. But she recollected herself +speedily again; and, clasping her hands, and looking very wretched +at Brock, at the ceiling, at the floor, at her husband (from whom she +violently turned away her head), she began to cry piteously: to which +tears the Corporal set up a gentle accompaniment of whistling, as they +trickled one after another down her nose. + +I don't think they were tears of repentance; but of regret for the time +when she had her first love, and her fine clothes, and her white hat and +blue feather. Of the two, the Corporal's whistle was much more innocent +than the girl's sobbing: he was a rogue; but a good-natured old fellow +when his humour was not crossed. Surely our novel-writers make a great +mistake in divesting their rascals of all gentle human qualities: +they have such--and the only sad point to think of is, in all private +concerns of life, abstract feelings, and dealings with friends, and +so on, how dreadfully like a rascal is to an honest man. The man who +murdered the Italian boy, set him first to play with his children whom +he loved, and who doubtless deplored his loss. + + + +CHAPTER VI. ADVENTURES OF THE AMBASSADOR, MR. MACSHANE. + + +If we had not been obliged to follow history in all respects, it +is probable that we should have left out the last adventure of Mrs. +Catherine and her husband, at the inn at Worcester, altogether; for, in +truth, very little came of it, and it is not very romantic or striking. +But we are bound to stick closely, above all, by THE TRUTH--the truth, +though it be not particularly pleasant to read of or to tell. As anybody +may read in the "Newgate Calendar," Mr. and Mrs. Hayes were taken at +an inn at Worcester; were confined there; were swindled by persons who +pretended to impress the bridegroom for military service. What is one +to do after that? Had we been writing novels instead of authentic +histories, we might have carried them anywhere else we chose: and we +had a great mind to make Hayes philosophising with Bolingbroke, like a +certain Devereux; and Mrs. Catherine maitresse en titre to Mr. Alexander +Pope, Doctor Sacheverel, Sir John Reade the oculist, Dean Swift, +or Marshal Tallard; as the very commonest romancer would under such +circumstances. But alas and alas! truth must be spoken, whatever else +is in the wind; and the excellent "Newgate Calendar," which contains the +biographies and thanatographies of Hayes and his wife, does not say a +word of their connections with any of the leading literary or military +heroes of the time of Her Majesty Queen Anne. The "Calendar" says, in so +many words, that Hayes was obliged to send to his father in Warwickshire +for money to get him out of the scrape, and that the old gentleman came +down to his aid. By this truth must we stick; and not for the sake of +the most brilliant episode,--no, not for a bribe of twenty extra guineas +per sheet, would we depart from it. + +Mr. Brock's account of his adventure in London has given the reader +some short notice of his friend, Mr Macshane. Neither the wits nor the +principles of that worthy Ensign were particularly firm: for drink, +poverty, and a crack on the skull at the battle of Steenkirk had served +to injure the former; and the Ensign was not in his best days possessed +of any share of the latter. He had really, at one period, held such a +rank in the army, but pawned his half-pay for drink and play; and for +many years past had lived, one of the hundred thousand miracles of our +city, upon nothing that anybody knew of, or of which he himself could +give any account. Who has not a catalogue of these men in his list? +who can tell whence comes the occasional clean shirt, who supplies +the continual means of drunkenness, who wards off the daily-impending +starvation? Their life is a wonder from day to day: their breakfast +a wonder; their dinner a miracle; their bed an interposition of +Providence. If you and I, my dear sir, want a shilling tomorrow, who +will give it us? Will OUR butchers give us mutton-chops? will OUR +laundresses clothe us in clean linen?--not a bone or a rag. Standing as +we do (may it be ever so) somewhat removed from want,[*] is there one of +us who does not shudder at the thought of descending into the lists to +combat with it, and expect anything but to be utterly crushed in the +encounter? + + * The author, it must be remembered, has his lodgings and + food provided for him by the government of his country. + +Not a bit of it, my dear sir. It takes much more than you think for to +starve a man. Starvation is very little when you are used to it. Some +people I know even, who live on it quite comfortably, and make their +daily bread by it. It had been our friend Macshane's sole profession for +many years; and he did not fail to draw from it such a livelihood as was +sufficient, and perhaps too good, for him. He managed to dine upon it +a certain or rather uncertain number of days in the week, to sleep +somewhere, and to get drunk at least three hundred times a year. He +was known to one or two noblemen who occasionally helped him with a +few pieces, and whom he helped in turn--never mind how. He had +other acquaintances whom he pestered undauntedly; and from whom he +occasionally extracted a dinner, or a crown, or mayhap, by mistake, a +goldheaded cane, which found its way to the pawnbroker's. When flush of +cash, he would appear at the coffee-house; when low in funds, the deuce +knows into what mystic caves and dens he slunk for food and lodging. He +was perfectly ready with his sword, and when sober, or better still, a +very little tipsy, was a complete master of it; in the art of boasting +and lying he had hardly any equals; in shoes he stood six feet five +inches; and here is his complete signalement. It was a fact that he had +been in Spain as a volunteer, where he had shown some gallantry, had had +a brain-fever, and was sent home to starve as before. + +Mr. Macshane had, however, like Mr. Conrad, the Corsair, one virtue in +the midst of a thousand crimes,--he was faithful to his employer for the +time being: and a story is told of him, which may or may not be to +his credit, viz. that being hired on one occasion by a certain lord to +inflict a punishment upon a roturier who had crossed his lordship in +his amours, he, Macshane, did actually refuse from the person to be +belaboured, and who entreated his forbearance, a larger sum of +money than the nobleman gave him for the beating; which he performed +punctually, as bound in honour and friendship. This tale would the +Ensign himself relate, with much self-satisfaction; and when, after the +sudden flight from London, he and Brock took to their roving occupation, +he cheerfully submitted to the latter as his commanding officer, called +him always Major, and, bating blunders and drunkenness, was perfectly +true to his leader. He had a notion--and, indeed, I don't know that +it was a wrong one--that his profession was now, as before, strictly +military, and according to the rules of honour. Robbing he called +plundering the enemy; and hanging was, in his idea, a dastardly and +cruel advantage that the latter took, and that called for the sternest +reprisals. + +The other gentlemen concerned were strangers to Mr. Brock, who felt +little inclined to trust either of them upon such a message, or with +such a large sum to bring back. They had, strange to say, a similar +mistrust on their side; but Mr. Brock lugged out five guineas, which he +placed in the landlady's hand as security for his comrade's return; and +Ensign Macshane, being mounted on poor Hayes's own horse, set off to +visit the parents of that unhappy young man. It was a gallant sight to +behold our thieves' ambassador, in a faded sky-blue suit with orange +facings, in a pair of huge jack-boots unconscious of blacking, with +a mighty basket-hilted sword by his side, and a little shabby beaver +cocked over a large tow-periwig, ride out from the inn of the "Three +Rooks" on his mission to Hayes's paternal village. + +It was eighteen miles distant from Worcester; but Mr. Macshane performed +the distance in safety, and in sobriety moreover (for such had been his +instructions), and had no difficulty in discovering the house of old +Hayes: towards which, indeed, John's horse trotted incontinently. Mrs. +Hayes, who was knitting at the house-door, was not a little surprised +at the appearance of the well-known grey gelding, and of the stranger +mounted upon it. + +Flinging himself off the steed with much agility, Mr. Macshane, as soon +as his feet reached the ground, brought them rapidly together, in order +to make a profound and elegant bow to Mrs. Hayes; and slapping his +greasy beaver against his heart, and poking his periwig almost into the +nose of the old lady, demanded whether he had the "shooprame honour of +adthressing Misthriss Hees?" + +Having been answered in the affirmative, he then proceeded to ask +whether there was a blackguard boy in the house who would take "the +horse to the steeble;" whether "he could have a dthrink of small-beer +or buthermilk, being, faith, uncommon dthry;" and whether, finally, "he +could be feevored with a few minutes' private conversation with her +and Mr. Hees, on a matther of consitherable impartance." All these +preliminaries were to be complied with before Mr. Macshane would enter +at all into the subject of his visit. The horse and man were cared for; +Mr. Hayes was called in; and not a little anxious did Mrs. Hayes grow, +in the meanwhile, with regard to the fate of her darling son. "Where is +he? How is he? Is he dead?" said the old lady. "Oh yes, I'm sure he's +dead!" + +"Indeed, madam, and you're misteeken intirely: the young man is +perfectly well in health." + +"Oh, praised be Heaven!" + +"But mighty cast down in sperrits. To misfortunes, madam, look you, the +best of us are subject; and a trifling one has fell upon your son." + +And herewith Mr. Macshane produced a letter in the handwriting of young +Hayes, of which we have had the good luck to procure a copy. It ran +thus:-- + +"HONORED FATHER AND MOTHER,--The bearer of this is a kind gentleman, who +has left me in a great deal of trouble. Yesterday, at this towne, I fell +in with some gentlemen of the queene's servas; after drinking with +whom, I accepted her Majesty's mony to enliste. Repenting thereof, I did +endeavour to escape; and, in so doing, had the misfortune to strike my +superior officer, whereby I made myself liable to Death, according to +the rules of warr. If, however, I pay twenty ginnys, all will be wel. +You must give the same to the barer, els I shall be shott without fail +on Tewsday morning. And so no more from your loving son, + +"JOHN HAYES. + +"From my prison at Bristol, this unhappy Monday." + + +When Mrs. Hayes read this pathetic missive, its success with her +was complete, and she was for going immediately to the cupboard, and +producing the money necessary for her darling son's release. But the +carpenter Hayes was much more suspicious. "I don't know you, sir," said +he to the ambassador. + +"Do you doubt my honour, sir?" said the Ensign, very fiercely. + +"Why, sir," replied Mr. Hayes "I know little about it one way or other, +but shall take it for granted, if you will explain a little more of this +business." + +"I sildom condescind to explean," said Mr. Macshane, "for it's not the +custom in my rank; but I'll explean anything in reason." + +"Pray, will you tell me in what regiment my son is enlisted?" + +"In coorse. In Colonel Wood's fut, my dear; and a gallant corps it is as +any in the army." + +"And you left him?" + +"On me soul, only three hours ago, having rid like a horse-jockey ever +since; as in the sacred cause of humanity, curse me, every man should." + +As Hayes's house was seventy miles from Bristol, the old gentleman +thought this was marvellous quick riding, and so, cut the conversation +short. "You have said quite enough, sir," said he, "to show me there +is some roguery in the matter, and that the whole story is false from +beginning to end." + +At this abrupt charge the Ensign looked somewhat puzzled, and then spoke +with much gravity. "Roguery," said he, "Misthur Hees, is a sthrong term; +and which, in consideration of my friendship for your family, I shall +pass over. You doubt your son's honour, as there wrote by him in black +and white?" + +"You have forced him to write," said Mr. Hayes. + +"The sly old divvle's right," muttered Mr. Macshane, aside. "Well, sir, +to make a clean breast of it, he HAS been forced to write it. The story +about the enlistment is a pretty fib, if you will, from beginning to +end. And what then, my dear? Do you think your son's any better off for +that?" + +"Oh, where is he?" screamed Mrs. Hayes, plumping down on her knees. "We +WILL give him the money, won't we, John?" + +"I know you will, madam, when I tell you where he is. He is in the hands +of some gentlemen of my acquaintance, who are at war with the present +government, and no more care about cutting a man's throat than they do +a chicken's. He is a prisoner, madam, of our sword and spear. If you +choose to ransom him, well and good; if not, peace be with him! for +never more shall you see him." + +"And how do I know you won't come back to-morrow for more money?" asked +Mr. Hayes. + +"Sir, you have my honour; and I'd as lieve break my neck as my word," +said Mr. Macshane, gravely. "Twenty guineas is the bargain. Take ten +minutes to talk of it--take it then, or leave it; it's all the same +to me, my dear." And it must be said of our friend the Ensign, that he +meant every word he said, and that he considered the embassy on which he +had come as perfectly honourable and regular. + +"And pray, what prevents us," said Mr. Hayes, starting up in a rage, +"from taking hold of you, as a surety for him?" + +"You wouldn't fire on a flag of truce, would ye, you dishonourable +ould civilian?" replied Mr. Macshane. "Besides," says he, "there's more +reasons to prevent you: the first is this," pointing to his sword; "here +are two more"--and these were pistols; "and the last and the best of all +is, that you might hang me and dthraw me and quarther me, an yet never +see so much as the tip of your son's nose again. Look you, sir, we run +mighty risks in our profession--it's not all play, I can tell you. +We're obliged to be punctual, too, or it's all up with the thrade. If I +promise that your son will die as sure as fate to-morrow morning, unless +I return home safe, our people MUST keep my promise; or else what chance +is there for me? You would be down upon me in a moment with a posse of +constables, and have me swinging before Warwick gaol. Pooh, my dear! you +never would sacrifice a darling boy like John Hayes, let alone his lady, +for the sake of my long carcass. One or two of our gentlemen have been +taken that way already, because parents and guardians would not believe +them." + +"AND WHAT BECAME OF THE POOR CHILDREN?" said Mrs. Hayes, who began to +perceive the gist of the argument, and to grow dreadfully frightened. + +"Don't let's talk of them, ma'am: humanity shudthers at the thought!" +And herewith Mr. Macshane drew his finger across his throat in such a +dreadful way as to make the two parents tremble. "It's the way of war, +madam, look you. The service I have the honour to belong to is not paid +by the Queen; and so we're obliged to make our prisoners pay, according +to established military practice." + +No lawyer could have argued his case better than Mr. Macshane so far; +and he completely succeeded in convincing Mr. and Mrs. Hayes of the +necessity of ransoming their son. Promising that the young man should +be restored to them next morning, along with his beautiful lady, he +courteously took leave of the old couple, and made the best of his way +back to Worcester again. The elder Hayes wondered who the lady could +be of whom the ambassador had spoken, for their son's elopement was +altogether unknown to them; but anger or doubt about this subject was +overwhelmed by their fears for their darling John's safety. Away rode +the gallant Macshane with the money necessary to effect this; and it +must be mentioned, as highly to his credit, that he never once thought +of appropriating the sum to himself, or of deserting his comrades in any +way. + +His ride from Worcester had been a long one. He had left that city +at noon, but before his return thither the sun had gone down; and the +landscape, which had been dressed like a prodigal, in purple and +gold, now appeared like a Quaker, in dusky grey; and the trees by the +road-side grew black as undertakers or physicians, and, bending their +solemn heads to each other, whispered ominously among themselves; and +the mists hung on the common; and the cottage lights went out one by +one; and the earth and heaven grew black, but for some twinkling useless +stars, which freckled the ebon countenance of the latter; and the +air grew colder; and about two o'clock the moon appeared, a dismal +pale-faced rake, walking solitary through the deserted sky; and about +four, mayhap, the Dawn (wretched 'prentice-boy!) opened in the east +the shutters of the Day:--in other words, more than a dozen hours had +passed. Corporal Brock had been relieved by Mr. Redcap, the latter by +Mr. Sicklop, the one-eyed gentleman; Mrs. John Hayes, in spite of her +sorrows and bashfulness, had followed the example of her husband, and +fallen asleep by his side--slept for many hours--and awakened still +under the guardianship of Mr. Brock's troop; and all parties began +anxiously to expect the return of the ambassador, Mr. Macshane. + +That officer, who had performed the first part of his journey with such +distinguished prudence and success, found the night, on his journey +homewards, was growing mighty cold and dark; and as he was thirsty and +hungry, had money in his purse, and saw no cause to hurry, he determined +to take refuge at an alehouse for the night, and to make for Worcester +by dawn the next morning. He accordingly alighted at the first inn on +his road, consigned his horse to the stable, and, entering the kitchen, +called for the best liquor in the house. + +A small company was assembled at the inn, among whom Mr. Macshane took +his place with a great deal of dignity; and, having a considerable sum +of money in his pocket, felt a mighty contempt for his society, and soon +let them know the contempt he felt for them. After a third flagon of +ale, he discovered that the liquor was sour, and emptied, with much +spluttering and grimaces, the remainder of the beer into the fire. This +process so offended the parson of the parish (who in those good old +times did not disdain to take the post of honour in the chimney-nook), +that he left his corner, looking wrathfully at the offender; who without +any more ado instantly occupied it. It was a fine thing to hear +the jingling of the twenty pieces in his pocket, the oaths which he +distributed between the landlord, the guests, and the liquor--to remark +the sprawl of his mighty jack-boots, before the sweep of which the timid +guests edged farther and farther away; and the languishing leers which +he cast on the landlady, as with wide-spread arms he attempted to seize +upon her. + +When the ostler had done his duties in the stable, he entered the inn, +and whispered the landlord that "the stranger was riding John Hayes's +horse:" of which fact the host soon convinced himself, and did not fail +to have some suspicions of his guest. Had he not thought that times +were unquiet, horses might be sold, and one man's money was as good as +another's, he probably would have arrested the Ensign immediately, and +so lost all the profit of the score which the latter was causing every +moment to be enlarged. + +In a couple of hours, with that happy facility which one may have +often remarked in men of the gallant Ensign's nation, he had managed to +disgust every one of the landlord's other guests, and scare them from +the kitchen. Frightened by his addresses, the landlady too had taken +flight; and the host was the only person left in the apartment; who +there stayed for interest's sake merely, and listened moodily to +his tipsy guest's conversation. In an hour more, the whole house was +awakened by a violent noise of howling, curses, and pots clattering to +and fro. Forth issued Mrs. Landlady in her night-gear, out came John +Ostler with his pitchfork, downstairs tumbled Mrs. Cook and one or two +guests, and found the landlord and ensign on the kitchen-floor--the wig +of the latter lying, much singed and emitting strange odours, in the +fireplace, his face hideously distorted, and a great quantity of his +natural hair in the partial occupation of the landlord; who had drawn it +and the head down towards him, in order that he might have the benefit +of pummelling the latter more at his ease. In revenge, the landlord was +undermost, and the Ensign's arms were working up and down his face and +body like the flaps of a paddle-wheel: the man of war had clearly the +best of it. + +The combatants were separated as soon as possible; but, as soon as the +excitement of the fight was over, Ensign Macshane was found to have no +further powers of speech, sense, or locomotion, and was carried by his +late antagonist to bed. His sword and pistols, which had been placed at +his side at the commencement of the evening, were carefully put by, +and his pocket visited. Twenty guineas in gold, a large knife--used, +probably, for the cutting of bread-and-cheese--some crumbs of those +delicacies and a paper of tobacco found in the breeches-pockets, and in +the bosom of the sky-blue coat, the leg of a cold fowl and half of a raw +onion, constituted his whole property. + +These articles were not very suspicious; but the beating which the +landlord had received tended greatly to confirm his own and his wife's +doubts about their guest; and it was determined to send off in the early +morning to Mr. Hayes, informing him how a person had lain at their inn +who had ridden thither mounted upon young Hayes's horse. Off set John +Ostler at earliest dawn; but on his way he woke up Mr. Justice's clerk, +and communicated his suspicions to him; and Mr. Clerk consulted with the +village baker, who was always up early; and the clerk, the baker, the +butcher with his cleaver, and two gentlemen who were going to work, all +adjourned to the inn. + +Accordingly, when Ensign Macshane was in a truckle-bed, plunged in that +deep slumber which only innocence and drunkenness enjoy in this world, +and charming the ears of morn by the regular and melodious music of +his nose, a vile plot was laid against him; and when about seven of the +clock he woke, he found, on sitting up in his bed, three gentlemen on +each side of it, armed, and looking ominous. One held a constable's +staff, and albeit unprovided with a warrant, would take upon himself the +responsibility of seizing Mr. Macshane and of carrying him before his +worship at the hall. + +"Taranouns, man!" said the Ensign, springing up in bed, and abruptly +breaking off a loud sonorous yawn, with which he had opened the business +of the day, "you won't deteen a gentleman who's on life and death? I +give ye my word, an affair of honour." + +"How came you by that there horse?" said the baker. + +"How came you by these here fifteen guineas?" said the landlord, in +whose hands, by some process, five of the gold pieces had disappeared. + +"What is this here idolatrous string of beads?" said the clerk. + +Mr. Macshane, the fact is, was a Catholic, but did not care to own it: +for in those days his religion was not popular. + +"Baids? Holy Mother of saints! give me back them baids," said Mr. +Macshane, clasping his hands. "They were blest, I tell you, by his +holiness the po--psha! I mane they belong to a darling little daughter +I had that's in heaven now: and as for the money and the horse, I should +like to know how a gentleman is to travel in this counthry without +them." + +"Why, you see, he may travel in the country to GIT 'em," here shrewdly +remarked the constable; "and it's our belief that neither horse nor +money is honestly come by. If his worship is satisfied, why so, in +course, shall we be; but there is highwaymen abroad, look you; and, to +our notion, you have very much the cut of one." + +Further remonstrances or threats on the part of Mr. Macshane were +useless. Although he vowed that he was first cousin to the Duke of +Leinster, an officer in Her Majesty's service, and the dearest friend +Lord Marlborough had, his impudent captors would not believe a word of +his statement (which, further, was garnished with a tremendous number +of oaths); and he was, about eight o'clock, carried up to the house of +Squire Ballance, the neighbouring justice of the peace. + +When the worthy magistrate asked the crime of which the prisoner had +been guilty, the captors looked somewhat puzzled for the moment; since, +in truth, it could not be shown that the Ensign had committed any crime +at all; and if he had confined himself to simple silence, and thrown +upon them the onus of proving his misdemeanours, Justice Ballance must +have let him loose, and soundly rated his clerk and the landlord for +detaining an honest gentleman on so frivolous a charge. + +But this caution was not in the Ensign's disposition; and though his +accusers produced no satisfactory charge against him, his own words were +quite enough to show how suspicious his character was. When asked his +name, he gave it in as Captain Geraldine, on his way to Ireland, +by Bristol, on a visit to his cousin the Duke of Leinster. He +swore solemnly that his friends, the Duke of Marlborough and Lord +Peterborough, under both of whom he had served, should hear of the +manner in which he had been treated; and when the justice,--a sly old +gentleman, and one that read the Gazettes, asked him at what battles he +had been present, the gallant Ensign pitched on a couple in Spain and in +Flanders, which had been fought within a week of each other, and vowed +that he had been desperately wounded at both; so that, at the end of his +examination, which had been taken down by the clerk, he had been made +to acknowledge as follows:--Captain Geraldine, six feet four inches in +height; thin, with a very long red nose, and red hair; grey eyes, and +speaks with a strong Irish accent; is the first-cousin of the Duke of +Leinster, and in constant communication with him: does not know whether +his Grace has any children; does not know whereabouts he lives +in London; cannot say what sort of a looking man his Grace is: is +acquainted with the Duke of Marlborough, and served in the dragoons at +the battle of Ramillies; at which time he was with my Lord Peterborough +before Barcelona. Borrowed the horse which he rides from a friend in +London, three weeks since. Peter Hobbs, ostler, swears that it was in +his master's stable four days ago, and is the property of John Hayes, +carpenter. Cannot account for the fifteen guineas found on him by the +landlord; says there were twenty; says he won them at cards, a fortnight +since, at Edinburgh; says he is riding about the country for his +amusement: afterwards says he is on a matter of life and death, and +going to Bristol; declared last night, in the hearing of several +witnesses, that he was going to York; says he is a man of independent +property, and has large estates in Ireland, and a hundred thousand +pounds in the Bank of England. Has no shirt or stockings, and the coat +he wears is marked "S.S." In his boots is written "Thomas Rodgers," and +in his hat is the name of the "Rev. Doctor Snoffler." + +Doctor Snoffler lived at Worcester, and had lately advertised in the Hue +and Cry a number of articles taken from his house. Mr. Macshane said, +in reply to this, that his hat had been changed at the inn, and he was +ready to take his oath that he came thither in a gold-laced one. But +this fact was disproved by the oaths of many persons who had seen him at +the inn. And he was about to be imprisoned for the thefts which he had +not committed (the fact about the hat being, that he had purchased it +from a gentleman at the "Three Rooks" for two pints of beer)--he was +about to be remanded, when, behold, Mrs. Hayes the elder made her +appearance; and to her it was that the Ensign was indebted for his +freedom. + +Old Hayes had gone to work before the ostler arrived; but when his wife +heard the lad's message, she instantly caused her pillion to be placed +behind the saddle, and mounting the grey horse, urged the stable-boy to +gallop as hard as ever he could to the justice's house. + +She entered panting and alarmed. "Oh, what is your honour going to do +to this honest gentleman?" said she. "In the name of Heaven, let him go! +His time is precious--he has important business--business of life and +death." + +"I tould the jidge so," said the Ensign, "but he refused to take my +word--the sacred wurrd of honour of Captain Geraldine." + +Macshane was good at a single lie, though easily flustered on an +examination; and this was a very creditable stratagem to acquaint Mrs. +Hayes with the name that he bore. + +"What! you know Captain Geraldine?" said Mr. Ballance, who was perfectly +well acquainted with the carpenter's wife. + +"In coorse she does. Hasn't she known me these tin years? Are we not +related? Didn't she give me the very horse which I rode, and, to make +belave, tould you I'd bought in London?" + +"Let her tell her own story. Are you related to Captain Geraldine, Mrs. +Hayes?" + +"Yes--oh, yes!" + +"A very elegant connection! And you gave him the horse, did you, of your +own free-will?" + +"Oh yes! of my own will--I would give him anything. Do, do, your honour, +let him go! His child is dying," said the old lady, bursting into +tears. "It may be dead before he gets to--before he gets there. Oh, your +honour, your honour, pray, pray, don't detain him!" + +The justice did not seem to understand this excessive sympathy on the +part of Mrs. Hayes; nor did the father himself appear to be nearly so +affected by his child's probable fate as the honest woman who interested +herself for him. On the contrary, when she made this passionate speech, +Captain Geraldine only grinned, and said, "Niver mind, my dear. If +his honour will keep an honest gentleman for doing nothing, why, let +him--the law must settle between us; and as for the child, poor thing, +the Lord deliver it!" + +At this, Mrs. Hayes fell to entreating more loudly than ever; and as +there was really no charge against him, Mr. Ballance was constrained to +let him go. + +The landlord and his friends were making off, rather confused, when +Ensign Macshane called upon the former in a thundering voice to stop, +and refund the five guineas which he had stolen from him. Again the host +swore there were but fifteen in his pocket. But when, on the Bible, the +Ensign solemnly vowed that he had twenty, and called upon Mrs. Hayes to +say whether yesterday, half-an-hour before he entered the inn, she had +not seen him with twenty guineas, and that lady expressed herself ready +to swear that she had, Mr. Landlord looked more crestfallen than ever, +and said that he had not counted the money when he took it; and though +he did in his soul believe that there were only fifteen guineas, rather +than be suspected of a shabby action, he would pay the five guineas out +of his own pocket: which he did, and with the Ensign's, or rather Mrs. +Hayes's, own coin. + +As soon as they were out of the justice's house, Mr. Macshane, in the +fulness of his gratitude, could not help bestowing an embrace upon +Mrs. Hayes. And when she implored him to let her ride behind him to her +darling son, he yielded with a very good grace, and off the pair set on +John Hayes's grey. + +"Who has Nosey brought with him now?" said Mr. Sicklop, Brock's one-eyed +confederate, who, about three hours after the above adventure, was +lolling in the yard of the "Three Rooks." It was our Ensign, with the +mother of his captive. They had not met with any accident in their ride. + +"I shall now have the shooprame bliss," said Mr. Macshane, with much +feeling, as he lifted Mrs. Hayes from the saddle---"the shooprame bliss +of intwining two harrts that are mead for one another. Ours, my dear, +is a dismal profession; but ah! don't moments like this make aminds +for years of pain? This way, my dear. Turn to your right, then to your +left--mind the stip--and the third door round the corner." + +All these precautions were attended to; and after giving his concerted +knock, Mr. Macshane was admitted into an apartment, which he entered +holding his gold pieces in the one hand, and a lady by the other. + +We shall not describe the meeting which took place between mother and +son. The old lady wept copiously; the young man was really glad to see +his relative, for he deemed that his troubles were over. Mrs. Cat bit +her lips, and stood aside, looking somewhat foolish; Mr. Brock counted +the money; and Mr. Macshane took a large dose of strong waters, as a +pleasing solace for his labours, dangers, and fatigue. + +When the maternal feelings were somewhat calmed, the old lady had +leisure to look about her, and really felt a kind of friendship and +goodwill for the company of thieves in which she found herself. It +seemed to her that they had conferred an actual favour on her, in +robbing her of twenty guineas, threatening her son's life, and finally +letting him go. + +"Who is that droll old gentleman?" said she; and being told that it was +Captain Wood, she dropped him a curtsey, and said, with much respect, +"Captain, your very humble servant;" which compliment Mr. Brock +acknowledged by a gracious smile and bow. "And who is this pretty young +lady?" continued Mrs. Hayes. + +"Why--hum--oh--mother, you must give her your blessing. She is Mrs. John +Hayes." And herewith Mr. Hayes brought forward his interesting lady, to +introduce her to his mamma. + +The news did not at all please the old lady; who received Mrs. +Catherine's embrace with a very sour face indeed. However, the mischief +was done; and she was too glad to get back her son to be, on such an +occasion, very angry with him. So, after a proper rebuke, she told Mrs. +John Hayes that though she never approved of her son's attachment, and +thought he married below his condition, yet as the evil was done, it was +their duty to make the best of it; and she, for her part, would receive +her into her house, and make her as comfortable there as she could. + +"I wonder whether she has any more money in that house?" whispered Mr. +Sicklop to Mr. Redcap; who, with the landlady, had come to the door of +the room, and had been amusing themselves by the contemplation of this +sentimental scene. + +"What a fool that wild Hirishman was not to bleed her for more!" said +the landlady; "but he's a poor ignorant Papist. I'm sure my man" +(this gentleman had been hanged), "wouldn't have come away with such a +beggarly sum." + +"Suppose we have some more out of 'em?" said Mr. Redcap. "What prevents +us? We have got the old mare, and the colt too,--ha! ha!--and the pair +of 'em ought to be worth at least a hundred to us." + +This conversation was carried on sotto voce; and I don't know whether +Mr. Brock had any notion of the plot which was arranged by the three +worthies. The landlady began it. "Which punch, madam, will you take?" +says she. "You must have something for the good of the house, now you +are in it." + +"In coorse," said the Ensign. + +"Certainly," said the other three. But the old lady said she was anxious +to leave the place; and putting down a crown-piece, requested the +hostess to treat the gentlemen in her absence. "Good-bye, Captain," said +the old lady. + +"Ajew!" cried the Ensign, "and long life to you, my dear. You got me out +of a scrape at the justice's yonder; and, split me! but Insign Macshane +will remimber it as long as he lives." + +And now Hayes and the two ladies made for the door; but the landlady +placed herself against it, and Mr. Sicklop said, "No, no, my pretty +madams, you ain't a-going off so cheap as that neither; you are not +going out for a beggarly twenty guineas, look you,--we must have more." + +Mr. Hayes starting back, and cursing his fate, fairly burst into tears; +the two women screamed; and Mr. Brock looked as if the proposition both +amused and had been expected by him: but not so Ensign Macshane. + +"Major!" said he, clawing fiercely hold of Brock's arms. + +"Ensign," said Mr. Brock, smiling. + +"Arr we, or arr we not, men of honour?" + +"Oh, in coorse," said Brock, laughing, and using Macshane's favourite +expression. + +"If we ARR men of honour, we are bound to stick to our word; and, hark +ye, you dirty one-eyed scoundrel, if you don't immadiately make way for +these leedies, and this lily-livered young jontleman who's crying so, +the Meejor here and I will lug out and force you." And so saying, +he drew his great sword and made a pass at Mr. Sicklop; which that +gentleman avoided, and which caused him and his companion to retreat +from the door. The landlady still kept her position at it, and with a +storm of oaths against the Ensign, and against two Englishmen who ran +away from a wild Hirishman, swore she would not budge a foot, and would +stand there until her dying day. + +"Faith, then, needs must," said the Ensign, and made a lunge at the +hostess, which passed so near the wretch's throat, that she screamed, +sank on her knees, and at last opened the door. + +Down the stairs, then, with great state, Mr. Macshane led the elder +lady, the married couple following; and having seen them to the street, +took an affectionate farewell of the party, whom he vowed that he would +come and see. "You can walk the eighteen miles aisy, between this and +nightfall," said he. + +"WALK!" exclaimed Mr. Hayes. "Why, haven't we got Ball, and shall ride +and tie all the way?" + +"Madam!" cried Macshane, in a stern voice, "honour before everything. +Did you not, in the presence of his worship, vow and declare that you +gave me that horse, and now d'ye talk of taking it back again? Let me +tell you, madam, that such paltry thricks ill become a person of your +years and respectability, and ought never to be played with Insign +Timothy Macshane." + +He waved his hat and strutted down the street; and Mrs. Catherine Hayes, +along with her bridegroom and mother-in-law, made the best of their way +homeward on foot. + + + +CHAPTER VII. WHICH EMBRACES A PERIOD OF SEVEN YEARS. + + +The recovery of so considerable a portion of his property from the +clutches of Brock was, as may be imagined, no trifling source of joy to +that excellent young man, Count Gustavus Adolphus de Galgenstein; and +he was often known to say, with much archness, and a proper feeling of +gratitude to the Fate which had ordained things so, that the robbery +was, in reality, one of the best things that could have happened to him: +for, in event of Mr. Brock's NOT stealing the money, his Excellency the +Count would have had to pay the whole to the Warwickshire Squire, who +had won it from him at play. He was enabled, in the present instance, to +plead his notorious poverty as an excuse; and the Warwickshire conqueror +got off with nothing, except a very badly written autograph of the +Count's, simply acknowledging the debt. + +This point his Excellency conceded with the greatest candour; but (as, +doubtless, the reader may have remarked in the course of his experience) +to owe is not quite the same thing as to pay; and from the day of his +winning the money until the day of his death the Warwickshire Squire +did never, by any chance, touch a single bob, tizzy, tester, moidore, +maravedi, doubloon, tomaun, or rupee, of the sum which Monsieur de +Galgenstein had lost to him. + +That young nobleman was, as Mr. Brock hinted in the little +autobiographical sketch which we gave in a former chapter, incarcerated +for a certain period, and for certain other debts, in the donjons +of Shrewsbury; but he released himself from them by that noble and +consolatory method of whitewashing which the law has provided for +gentlemen in his oppressed condition; and he had not been a week in +London, when he fell in with, and overcame, or put to flight, Captain +Wood, alias Brock, and immediately seized upon the remainder of his +property. After receiving this, the Count, with commendable discretion, +disappeared from England altogether for a while; nor are we at all +authorised to state that any of his debts to his tradesmen were +discharged, any more than his debts of honour, as they are pleasantly +called. + +Having thus settled with his creditors, the gallant Count had interest +enough with some of the great folk to procure for himself a post abroad, +and was absent in Holland for some time. It was here that he became +acquainted with the lovely Madam Silverkoop, the widow of a deceased +gentleman of Leyden; and although the lady was not at that age at which +tender passions are usually inspired--being sixty--and though she could +not, like Mademoiselle Ninon de l'Enclos, then at Paris, boast of charms +which defied the progress of time,--for Mrs. Silverkoop was as red as a +boiled lobster, and as unwieldy as a porpoise; and although her mental +attractions did by no means make up for her personal deficiencies,--for +she was jealous, violent, vulgar, drunken, and stingy to a miracle: +yet her charms had an immediate effect on Monsieur de Galgenstein; and +hence, perhaps, the reader (the rogue! how well he knows the world!) +will be led to conclude that the honest widow was RICH. + +Such, indeed, she was; and Count Gustavus, despising the difference +between his twenty quarterings and her twenty thousand pounds, laid the +most desperate siege to her, and finished by causing her to capitulate; +as I do believe, after a reasonable degree of pressing, any woman will +do to any man: such, at least, has been MY experience in the matter. + +The Count then married; and it was curious to see how he--who, as +we have seen in the case of Mrs. Cat, had been as great a tiger and +domestic bully as any extant--now, by degrees, fell into a quiet +submission towards his enormous Countess; who ordered him up and down as +a lady orders her footman, who permitted him speedily not to have a will +of his own, and who did not allow him a shilling of her money without +receiving for the same an accurate account. + +How was it that he, the abject slave of Madam Silverkoop, had been +victorious over Mrs. Cat? The first blow is, I believe, the decisive +one in these cases, and the Countess had stricken it a week after their +marriage;--establishing a supremacy which the Count never afterwards +attempted to question. + +We have alluded to his Excellency's marriage, as in duty bound, because +it will be necessary to account for his appearance hereafter in a more +splendid fashion than that under which he has hitherto been known to us; +and just comforting the reader by the knowledge that the union, though +prosperous in a worldly point of view, was, in reality, extremely +unhappy, we must say no more from this time forth of the fat and +legitimate Madam de Galgenstein. Our darling is Mrs. Catherine, who had +formerly acted in her stead; and only in so much as the fat Countess +did influence in any way the destinies of our heroine, or those wise +and virtuous persons who have appeared and are to follow her to her end, +shall we in any degree allow her name to figure here. It is an awful +thing to get a glimpse, as one sometimes does, when the time is past, of +some little little wheel which works the whole mighty machinery of FATE, +and see how our destinies turn on a minute's delay or advance, or on the +turning of a street, or on somebody else's turning of a street, or +on somebody else's doing of something else in Downing Street or in +Timbuctoo, now or a thousand years ago. Thus, for instance, if Miss +Poots, in the year 1695, had never been the lovely inmate of a Spielhaus +at Amsterdam, Mr. Van Silverkoop would never have seen her; if the day +had not been extraordinarily hot, the worthy merchant would never have +gone thither; if he had not been fond of Rhenish wine and sugar, he +never would have called for any such delicacies; if he had not called +for them, Miss Ottilia Poots would never have brought them, and partaken +of them; if he had not been rich, she would certainly have rejected all +the advances made to her by Silverkoop; if he had not been so fond of +Rhenish and sugar, he never would have died; and Mrs. Silverkoop would +have been neither rich nor a widow, nor a wife to Count von Galgenstein. +Nay, nor would this history have ever been written; for if Count +Galgenstein had not married the rich widow, Mrs. Catherine would never +have-- + +Oh, my dear madam! you thought we were going to tell you. Pooh! +nonsense!--no such thing! not for two or three and seventy pages or +so,--when, perhaps, you MAY know what Mrs. Catherine never would have +done. + +The reader will remember, in the second chapter of these Memoirs, the +announcement that Mrs. Catherine had given to the world a child, who +might bear, if he chose, the arms of Galgenstein, with the further +adornment of a bar-sinister. This child had been put out to nurse some +time before its mother's elopement from the Count; and as that nobleman +was in funds at the time (having had that success at play which we duly +chronicled), he paid a sum of no less than twenty guineas, which was to +be the yearly reward of the nurse into whose charge the boy was put. The +woman grew fond of the brat; and when, after the first year, she had no +further news or remittances from father or mother, she determined, for +a while at least, to maintain the infant at her own expense; for, when +rebuked by her neighbours on this score, she stoutly swore that no +parents could ever desert their children, and that some day or other she +should not fail to be rewarded for her trouble with this one. + +Under this strange mental hallucination poor Goody Billings, who had +five children and a husband of her own, continued to give food and +shelter to little Tom for a period of no less than seven years; and +though it must be acknowledged that the young gentleman did not in the +slightest degree merit the kindnesses shown to him, Goody Billings, who +was of a very soft and pitiful disposition, continued to bestow them +upon him: because, she said, he was lonely and unprotected, and deserved +them more than other children who had fathers and mothers to look after +them. If, then, any difference was made between Tom's treatment and that +of her own brood, it was considerably in favour of the former; to whom +the largest proportions of treacle were allotted for his bread, and +the handsomest supplies of hasty pudding. Besides, to do Mrs. Billings +justice, there WAS a party against him; and that consisted not only of +her husband and her five children, but of every single person in the +neighbourhood who had an opportunity of seeing and becoming acquainted +with Master Tom. + +A celebrated philosopher--I think Miss Edgeworth--has broached the +consolatory doctrine, that in intellect and disposition all human beings +are entirely equal, and that circumstance and education are the causes +of the distinctions and divisions which afterwards unhappily take place +among them. Not to argue this question, which places Jack Howard and +Jack Thurtell on an exact level,--which would have us to believe that +Lord Melbourne is by natural gifts and excellences a man as honest, +brave, and far-sighted as the Duke of Wellington,--which would make out +that Lord Lyndhurst is, in point of principle, eloquence, and political +honesty, no better than Mr. O'Connell,--not, I say, arguing this +doctrine, let us simply state that Master Thomas Billings (for, having +no other, he took the name of the worthy people who adopted him) was in +his long-coats fearfully passionate, screaming and roaring perpetually, +and showing all the ill that he COULD show. At the age of two, when +his strength enabled him to toddle abroad, his favourite resort was +the coal-hole or the dung-heap: his roarings had not diminished in the +least, and he had added to his former virtues two new ones,--a love +of fighting and stealing; both which amiable qualities he had many +opportunities of exercising every day. He fought his little adoptive +brothers and sisters; he kicked and cuffed his father and mother; he +fought the cat, stamped upon the kittens, was worsted in a severe battle +with the hen in the backyard; but, in revenge, nearly beat a little +sucking-pig to death, whom he caught alone and rambling near his +favourite haunt, the dung-hill. As for stealing, he stole the eggs, +which he perforated and emptied; the butter, which he ate with or +without bread, as he could find it; the sugar, which he cunningly +secreted in the leaves of a "Baker's Chronicle," that nobody in the +establishment could read; and thus from the pages of history he used to +suck in all he knew--thieving and lying namely; in which, for his years, +he made wonderful progress. If any followers of Miss Edgeworth and the +philosophers are inclined to disbelieve this statement, or to set it +down as overcharged and distorted, let them be assured that just this +very picture was, of all the pictures in the world, taken from nature. +I, Ikey Solomons, once had a dear little brother who could steal before +he could walk (and this not from encouragement,--for, if you know the +world, you must know that in families of our profession the point of +honour is sacred at home,--but from pure nature)--who could steal, I +say, before he could walk, and lie before he could speak; and who, at +four and a half years of age, having attacked my sister Rebecca on some +question of lollipops, had smitten her on the elbow with a fire-shovel, +apologising to us by saying simply, "---- her, I wish it had been her +head!" Dear, dear Aminadab! I think of you, and laugh these philosophers +to scorn. Nature made you for that career which you fulfilled: you +were from your birth to your dying a scoundrel; you COULDN'T have been +anything else, however your lot was cast; and blessed it was that you +were born among the prigs,--for had you been of any other profession, +alas! alas! what ills might you have done! As I have heard the author of +"Richelieu," "Siamese Twins," etc. say "Poeta nascitur non fit," which +means that though he had tried ever so much to be a poet, it was all +moonshine: in the like manner, I say, "ROAGUS nascitur, non fit." We +have it from nature, and so a fig for Miss Edgeworth. + +In this manner, then, while his father, blessed with a wealthy wife, was +leading, in a fine house, the life of a galley-slave; while his mother, +married to Mr. Hayes, and made an honest women of, as the saying is, was +passing her time respectably in Warwickshire, Mr. Thomas Billings +was inhabiting the same county, not cared for by either of them; but +ordained by Fate to join them one day, and have a mighty influence upon +the fortunes of both. For, as it has often happened to the traveller in +the York or the Exeter coach to fall snugly asleep in his corner, and on +awaking suddenly to find himself sixty or seventy miles from the place +where Somnus first visited him: as, we say, although you sit still, +Time, poor wretch, keeps perpetually running on, and so must run day +and night, with never a pause or a halt of five minutes to get a drink, +until his dying day; let the reader imagine that since he left Mrs. +Hayes and all the other worthy personages of this history, in the last +chapter, seven years have sped away; during which, all our heroes and +heroines have been accomplishing their destinies. + +Seven years of country carpentering, or rather trading, on the part of a +husband, of ceaseless scolding, violence, and discontent on the part of +a wife, are not pleasant to describe: so we shall omit altogether +any account of the early married life of Mr. and Mrs. John Hayes. The +"Newgate Calendar" (to which excellent compilation we and the OTHER +popular novelists of the day can never be sufficiently grateful) states +that Hayes left his house three or four times during this period, and, +urged by the restless humours of his wife, tried several professions: +returning, however, as he grew weary of each, to his wife and his +paternal home. After a certain time his parents died, and by their +demise he succeeded to a small property, and the carpentering business, +which he for some time followed. + +What, then, in the meanwhile, had become of Captain Wood, or Brock, +and Ensign Macshane?--the only persons now to be accounted for in our +catalogue. For about six months after their capture and release of +Mr. Hayes, those noble gentlemen had followed, with much prudence and +success, that trade which the celebrated and polite Duval, the ingenious +Sheppard, the dauntless Turpin, and indeed many other heroes of our most +popular novels, had pursued,--or were pursuing, in their time. And so +considerable were said to be Captain Wood's gains, that reports were +abroad of his having somewhere a buried treasure; to which he might have +added more, had not Fate suddenly cut short his career as a prig. He +and the Ensign were--shame to say--transported for stealing three +pewter-pots off a railing at Exeter; and not being known in the town, +which they had only reached that morning, they were detained by +no further charges, but simply condemned on this one. For this +misdemeanour, Her Majesty's Government vindictively sent them for seven +years beyond the sea; and, as the fashion then was, sold the use of +their bodies to Virginian planters during that space of time. It is +thus, alas! that the strong are always used to deal with the weak, and +many an honest fellow has been led to rue his unfortunate difference +with the law. + +Thus, then, we have settled all scores. The Count is in Holland with his +wife; Mrs. Cat in Warwickshire along with her excellent husband; Master +Thomas Billings with his adoptive parents in the same county; and the +two military gentlemen watching the progress and cultivation of the +tobacco and cotton plant in the New World. All these things having +passed between the acts, dingaring-a-dingaring-a-dingledingleding, the +drop draws up, and the next act begins. By the way, the play ENDS with a +drop: but that is neither here nor there. + + ***** + +(Here, as in a theatre, the orchestra is supposed to play something +melodious. The people get up, shake themselves, yawn, and settle down +in their seats again. "Porter, ale, ginger-beer, cider," comes round, +squeezing through the legs of the gentlemen in the pit. Nobody takes +anything, as usual; and lo! the curtain rises again. "Sh, 'shsh, +'shshshhh! Hats off!" says everybody.) + + ***** + +Mrs. Hayes had now been for six years the adored wife of Mr. Hayes, and +no offspring had arisen to bless their loves and perpetuate their name. +She had obtained a complete mastery over her lord and master; and +having had, as far as was in that gentleman's power, every single wish +gratified that she could demand, in the way of dress, treats to Coventry +and Birmingham, drink, and what not--for, though a hard man, John Hayes +had learned to spend his money pretty freely on himself and her--having +had all her wishes gratified, it was natural that she should begin to +find out some more; and the next whim she hit upon was to be restored +to her child. It may be as well to state that she had never informed her +husband of the existence of that phenomenon, although he was aware +of his wife's former connection with the Count,--Mrs. Hayes, in their +matrimonial quarrels, invariably taunting him with accounts of her +former splendour and happiness, and with his own meanness of taste in +condescending to take up with his Excellency's leavings. + +She determined, then (but as yet had not confided her determination +to her husband), she would have her boy; although in her seven years' +residence within twenty miles of him she had never once thought of +seeing him: and the kind reader knows that when his excellent lady +determines on a thing--a shawl, or an opera-box, or a new carriage, or +twenty-four singing-lessons from Tamburini, or a night at the "Eagle +Tavern," City Road, or a ride in a 'bus to Richmond and tea and +brandy-and-water at "Rose Cottage Hotel"--the reader, high or low, knows +that when Mrs. Reader desires a thing have it she will; you may just as +well talk of avoiding her as of avoiding gout, bills, or grey hairs--and +that, you know, is impossible. I, for my part, have had all three--ay, +and a wife too. + +I say that when a woman is resolved on a thing, happen it will; if +husbands refuse, Fate will interfere (flectere si nequeo, etc.; but +quotations are odious). And some hidden power was working in the case of +Mrs. Hayes, and, for its own awful purposes, lending her its aid. + +Who has not felt how he works--the dreadful conquering Spirit of +Ill? Who cannot see, in the circle of his own society, the fated and +foredoomed to woe and evil? Some call the doctrine of destiny a dark +creed; but, for me, I would fain try and think it a consolatory one. It +is better, with all one's sins upon one's head, to deem oneself in +the hands of Fate, than to think--with our fierce passions and weak +repentances; with our resolves so loud, so vain, so ludicrously, +despicably weak and frail; with our dim, wavering, wretched conceits +about virtue, and our irresistible propensity to wrong,--that we are the +workers of our future sorrow or happiness. If we depend on our strength, +what is it against mighty circumstance? If we look to ourselves, what +hope have we? Look back at the whole of your life, and see how Fate has +mastered you and it. Think of your disappointments and your successes. +Has YOUR striving influenced one or the other? A fit of indigestion puts +itself between you and honours and reputation; an apple plops on your +nose and makes you a world's wonder and glory; a fit of poverty makes a +rascal of you, who were, and are still, an honest man; clubs, trumps, +or six lucky mains at dice, make an honest man for life of you, who ever +were, will be, and are a rascal. Who sends the illness? who causes the +apple to fall? who deprives you of your worldly goods? or who shuffles +the cards, and brings trumps, honour, virtue, and prosperity back again? +You call it chance; ay, and so it is chance that when the floor +gives way, and the rope stretches tight, the poor wretch before St. +Sepulchre's clock dies. Only with us, clear-sighted mortals as we are, +we can't SEE the rope by which we hang, and know not when or how the +drop may fall. + +But revenons a nos moutons: let us return to that sweet lamb Master +Thomas, and the milk-white ewe Mrs. Cat. Seven years had passed away, +and she began to think that she should very much like to see her child +once more. It was written that she should; and you shall hear how, soon +after, without any great exertions of hers, back he came to her. + +In the month of July, in the year 1715, there came down a road about +ten miles from the city of Worcester, two gentlemen; not mounted, +Templar-like, upon one horse, but having a horse between them--a sorry +bay, with a sorry saddle, and a large pack behind it; on which each by +turn took a ride. Of the two, one was a man of excessive stature, with +red hair, a very prominent nose, and a faded military dress; while the +other, an old weather-beaten, sober-looking personage, wore the +costume of a civilian--both man and dress appearing to have reached the +autumnal, or seedy state. However, the pair seemed, in spite of their +apparent poverty, to be passably merry. The old gentleman rode the +horse; and had, in the course of their journey, ridden him two miles at +least in every three. The tall one walked with immense strides by his +side; and seemed, indeed, as if he could have quickly outstripped +the four-footed animal, had he chosen to exert his speed, or had not +affection for his comrade retained him at his stirrup. + +A short time previously the horse had cast a shoe; and this the tall +man on foot had gathered up, and was holding in his hand: it having been +voted that the first blacksmith to whose shop they should come should be +called upon to fit it again upon the bay horse. + +"Do you remimber this counthry, Meejor?" said the tall man, who was +looking about him very much pleased, and sucking a flower. "I think +thim green cornfields is prettier looking at than the d----- tobacky out +yondther, and bad lack to it!" + +"I recollect the place right well, and some queer pranks we played here +seven years agone," responded the gentleman addressed as Major. "You +remember that man and his wife, whom we took in pawn at the 'Three +Rooks'?" + +"And the landlady only hung last Michaelmas?" said the tall man, +parenthetically. + +"Hang the landlady!--we've got all we ever would out of HER, you know. +But about the man and woman. You went after the chap's mother, and, like +a jackass, as you are, let him loose. Well, the woman was that Catherine +that you've often heard me talk about. I like the wench, ---- her, for +I almost brought her up; and she was for a year or two along with that +scoundrel Galgenstein, who has been the cause of my ruin." + +"The infernal blackguard and ruffian!" said the tall man; who, with his +companion, has no doubt been recognised by the reader. + +"Well, this Catherine had a child by Galgenstein; and somewhere here +hard by the woman lived to whom we carried the brat to nurse. She was +the wife of a blacksmith, one Billings: it won't be out of the way to +get our horse shod at his house, if he is alive still, and we may learn +something about the little beast. I should be glad to see the mother +well enough." + +"Do I remimber her?" said the Ensign. "Do I remimber whisky? Sure I +do, and the snivelling sneak her husband, and the stout old lady her +mother-in-law, and the dirty one-eyed ruffian who sold me the parson's +hat that had so nearly brought me into trouble. Oh but it was a rare +rise we got out of them chaps, and the old landlady that's hanged too!" +And here both Ensign Macshane and Major Brock, or Wood, grinned, and +showed much satisfaction. + +It will be necessary to explain the reason of it. We gave the British +public to understand that the landlady of the "Three Rooks," at +Worcester, was a notorious fence, or banker of thieves; that is, a +purchaser of their merchandise. In her hands Mr. Brock and his companion +had left property to the amount of sixty or seventy pounds, which was +secreted in a cunning recess in a chamber of the "Three Rooks" known +only to the landlady and the gentlemen who banked with her; and in +this place, Mr. Sicklop, the one-eyed man who had joined in the Hayes +adventure, his comrade, and one or two of the topping prigs of the +county, were free. Mr. Sicklop had been shot dead in a night attack near +Bath: the landlady had been suddenly hanged, as an accomplice in another +case of robbery; and when, on their return from Virginia, our two +heroes, whose hopes of livelihood depended upon it, had bent their steps +towards Worcester, they were not a little frightened to hear of the +cruel fate of the hostess and many of the amiable frequenters of the +"Three Rooks." All the goodly company were separated; the house was no +longer an inn. Was the money gone too? At least it was worth while to +look--which Messrs. Brock and Macshane determined to do. + +The house being now a private one, Mr. Brock, with a genius that was +above his station, visited its owner, with a huge portfolio under his +arm, and, in the character of a painter, requested permission to take a +particular sketch from a particular window. The Ensign followed with the +artist's materials (consisting simply of a screwdriver and a crowbar); +and it is hardly necessary to say that, when admission was granted +to them, they opened the well-known door, and to their inexpressible +satisfaction discovered, not their own peculiar savings exactly, +for these had been appropriated instantly, on hearing of their +transportation, but stores of money and goods to the amount of near +three hundred pounds: to which Mr. Macshane said they had as just and +honourable a right as anybody else. And so they had as just a right as +anybody--except the original owners: but who was to discover them? + +With this booty they set out on their journey--anywhere, for they knew +not whither; and it so chanced that when their horse's shoe came off, +they were within a few furlongs of the cottage of Mr. Billings, the +blacksmith. As they came near, they were saluted by tremendous roars +issuing from the smithy. A small boy was held across the bellows, two or +three children of smaller and larger growth were holding him down, and +many others of the village were gazing in at the window, while a man, +half-naked, was lashing the little boy with a whip, and occasioning the +cries heard by the travellers. As the horse drew up, the operator looked +at the new-comers for a moment, and then proceeded incontinently with +his work; belabouring the child more fiercely than ever. + +When he had done, he turned round to the new-comers and asked how he +could serve them? whereupon Mr. Wood (for such was the name he adopted, +and by such we shall call him to the end) wittily remarked that however +he might wish to serve THEM, he seemed mightily inclined to serve that +young gentleman first. + +"It's no joking matter," said the blacksmith: "if I don't serve him so +now, he'll be worse off in his old age. He'll come to the gallows, as +sure as his name is Bill---never mind what his name is." And so saying, +he gave the urchin another cut; which elicited, of course, another +scream. + +"Oh! his name is Bill?" said Captain Wood. + +"His name's NOT Bill!" said the blacksmith, sulkily. "He's no name; and +no heart, neither. My wife took the brat in, seven years ago, from a +beggarly French chap to nurse, and she kept him, for she was a good +soul" (here his eyes began to wink), "and she's--she's gone now" (here +he began fairly to blubber). "And d--- him, out of love for her, I kept +him too, and the scoundrel is a liar and a thief. This blessed day, +merely to vex me and my boys here, he spoke ill of her, he did, and +I'll--cut--his--life--out--I--will!" and with each word honest Mulciber +applied a whack on the body of little Tom Billings; who, by shrill +shrieks, and oaths in treble, acknowledged the receipt of the blows. + +"Come, come," said Mr. Wood, "set the boy down, and the bellows a-going; +my horse wants shoeing, and the poor lad has had strapping enough." + +The blacksmith obeyed, and cast poor Master Thomas loose. As he +staggered away and looked back at his tormentor, his countenance assumed +an expression which made Mr. Wood say, grasping hold of Macshane's +arm, "It's the boy, it's the boy! When his mother gave Galgenstein the +laudanum, she had the self-same look with her!" + +"Had she really now?" said Mr. Macshane. "And pree, Meejor, who WAS his +mother?" + +"Mrs. Cat, you fool!" answered Wood. + +"Then, upon my secred word of honour, she has a mighty fine KITTEN +anyhow, my dear. Aha!" + +"They don't DROWN such kittens," said Mr. Wood, archly; and Macshane, +taking the allusion, clapped his finger to his nose in token of perfect +approbation of his commander's sentiment. + +While the blacksmith was shoeing the horse, Mr. Wood asked him many +questions concerning the lad whom he had just been chastising, and +succeeded, beyond a doubt, in establishing his identity with the child +whom Catherine Hall had brought into the world seven years since. +Billings told him of all the virtues of his wife, and the manifold +crimes of the lad: how he stole, and fought, and lied, and swore; and +though the youngest under his roof, exercised the most baneful influence +over all the rest of his family. He was determined at last, he said, to +put him to the parish, for he did not dare to keep him. + +"He's a fine whelp, and would fetch ten pieces in Virginny," sighed the +Ensign. + +"Crimp, of Bristol, would give five for him," said Mr. Wood, ruminating. + +"Why not take him?" said the Ensign. + +"Faith, why not?" said Mr. Wood. "His keep, meanwhile, will not be +sixpence a day." Then turning round to the blacksmith, "Mr. Billings," +said he, "you will be surprised, perhaps, to hear that I know everything +regarding that poor lad's history. His mother was an unfortunate lady +of high family, now no more; his father a German nobleman, Count de +Galgenstein by name." + +"The very man!" said Billings: "a young, fair-haired man, who came here +with the child, and a dragoon sergeant." + +"Count de Galgenstein by name, who, on the point of death, recommended +the infant to me." + +"And did he pay you seven years' boarding?" said Mr. Billings, who was +quite alive at the very idea. + +"Alas, sir, not a jot! He died, sir, six hundred pounds in my debt; +didn't he, Ensign?" + +"Six hundred, upon my secred honour! I remember when he got into the +house along with the poli--" + +"Psha! what matters it?" here broke out Mr. Wood, looking fiercely at +the Ensign. "Six hundred pounds he owes me: how was he to pay you? But +he told me to take charge of this boy, if I found him; and found him I +have, and WILL take charge of him, if you will hand him over." + +"Send our Tom!" cried Billings. And when that youth appeared, scowling, +and yet trembling, and prepared, as it seemed, for another castigation, +his father, to his surprise, asked him if he was willing to go along +with those gentlemen, or whether he would be a good lad and stay with +him. + +Mr. Tom replied immediately, "I won't be a good lad, and I'd rather go +to ---- than stay with you!" + +"Will you leave your brothers and sisters?" said Billings, looking very +dismal. + +"Hang my brothers and sisters--I hate 'em; and, besides, I haven't got +any!" + +"But you had a good mother, hadn't you, Tom?" + +Tom paused for a moment. + +"Mother's gone," said he, "and you flog me, and I'll go with these men." + +"Well, then, go thy ways," said Billings, starting up in a passion: "go +thy ways for a graceless reprobate; and if this gentleman will take you, +he may do so." + +After some further parley, the conversation ended, and the next morning +Mr. Wood's party consisted of three: a little boy being mounted upon the +bay horse, in addition to the Ensign or himself; and the whole company +went journeying towards Bristol. + + ***** + +We have said that Mrs. Hayes had, on a sudden, taken a fit of maternal +affection, and was bent upon being restored to her child; and that +benign destiny which watched over the life of this lucky lady instantly +set about gratifying her wish, and, without cost to herself of +coach-hire or saddle-horse, sent the young gentleman very quickly to her +arms. The village in which the Hayeses dwelt was but a very few miles +out of the road from Bristol; whither, on the benevolent mission above, +hinted at, our party of worthies were bound: and coming, towards the +afternoon, in sight of the house of that very Justice Ballance who had +been so nearly the ruin of Ensign Macshane, that officer narrated, for +the hundredth time, and with much glee, the circumstances which had +then befallen him, and the manner in which Mrs. Hayes the elder had come +forward to his rescue. + +"Suppose we go and see the old girl?" suggested Mr. Wood. "No harm can +come to us now." And his comrade always assenting, they wound their +way towards the village, and reached it as the evening came on. In the +public-house where they rested, Wood made inquiries concerning the +Hayes family; was informed of the death of the old couple, of the +establishment of John Hayes and his wife in their place, and of the kind +of life that these latter led together. When all these points had been +imparted to him, he ruminated much: an expression of sublime triumph and +exultation at length lighted up his features. "I think, Tim," said he at +last, "that we can make more than five pieces of that boy." + +"Oh, in coorse!" said Timothy Macshane, Esquire; who always agreed with +his "Meejor." + +"In coorse, you fool! and how? I'll tell you how. This Hayes is well to +do in the world, and--" + +"And we'll nab him again--ha, ha!" roared out Macshane. "By my secred +honour, Meejor, there never was a gineral like you at a strathyjam!" + +"Peace, you bellowing donkey, and don't wake the child. The man is well +to do, his wife rules him, and they have no children. Now, either she +will be very glad to have the boy back again, and pay for the finding of +him, or else she has said nothing about him, and will pay us for being +silent too: or, at any rate, Hayes himself will be ashamed at finding +his wife the mother of a child a year older than his marriage, and will +pay for the keeping of the brat away. There's profit, my dear, in any +one of the cases, or my name's not Peter Brock." + +When the Ensign understood this wondrous argument, he would fain have +fallen on his knees and worshipped his friend and guide. They began +operations, almost immediately, by an attack on Mrs. Hayes. On hearing, +as she did in private interview with the ex-corporal the next morning, +that her son was found, she was agitated by both of the passions which +Wood attributed to her. She longed to have the boy back, and would give +any reasonable sum to see him; but she dreaded exposure, and would pay +equally to avoid that. How could she gain the one point and escape the +other? + +Mrs. Hayes hit upon an expedient which, I am given to understand, is not +uncommon nowadays. She suddenly discovered that she had a dear brother, +who had been obliged to fly the country in consequence of having joined +the Pretender, and had died in France, leaving behind him an only son. +This boy her brother had, with his last breath, recommended to her +protection, and had confided him to the charge of a brother officer who +was now in the country, and would speedily make his appearance; and, to +put the story beyond a doubt, Mr. Wood wrote the letter from her +brother stating all these particulars, and Ensign Macshane received +full instructions how to perform the part of the "brother officer." What +consideration Mr. Wood received for his services, we cannot say; only +it is well known that Mr. Hayes caused to be committed to gaol a young +apprentice in his service, charged with having broken open a cupboard in +which Mr. Hayes had forty guineas in gold and silver, and to which none +but he and his wife had access. + +Having made these arrangements, the Corporal and his little party +decamped to a short distance, and Mrs. Catherine was left to prepare +her husband for a speedy addition to his family, in the shape of this +darling nephew. John Hayes received the news with anything but pleasure. +He had never heard of any brother of Catherine's; she had been bred at +the workhouse, and nobody ever hinted that she had relatives: but it +is easy for a lady of moderate genius to invent circumstances; and with +lies, tears, threats, coaxings, oaths, and other blandishments, she +compelled him to submit. + +Two days afterwards, as Mr. Hayes was working in his shop with his lady +seated beside him, the trampling of a horse was heard in his courtyard, +and a gentleman, of huge stature, descended from it, and strode into the +shop. His figure was wrapped in a large cloak; but Mr. Hayes could not +help fancying that he had somewhere seen his face before. + +"This, I preshoom," said the gentleman, "is Misther Hayes, that I have +come so many miles to see, and this is his amiable lady? I was the +most intimate frind, madam, of your laminted brother, who died in King +Lewis's service, and whose last touching letthers I despatched to you +two days ago. I have with me a further precious token of my dear friend, +Captain Hall--it is HERE." + +And so saying, the military gentleman, with one arm, removed his cloak, +and stretching forward the other into Hayes's face almost, stretched +likewise forward a little boy, grinning and sprawling in the air, and +prevented only from falling to the ground by the hold which the Ensign +kept of the waistband of his little coat and breeches. + +"Isn't he a pretty boy?" said Mrs. Hayes, sidling up to her husband +tenderly, and pressing one of Mr. Hayes's hands. + + ***** + +About the lad's beauty it is needless to say what the carpenter thought; +but that night, and for many many nights after, the lad stayed at Mr. +Hayes's. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. ENUMERATES THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF MASTER THOMAS +BILLINGS--INTRODUCES BROCK AS DOCTOR WOOD--AND ANNOUNCES THE EXECUTION +OF ENSIGN MACSHANE. + + +We are obliged, in recording this history, to follow accurately that +great authority, the "Calendarium Newgaticum Roagorumque Registerium," +of which every lover of literature, in the present day knows the value; +and as that remarkable work totally discards all the unities in its +narratives, and reckons the life of its heroes only by their actions, +and not by periods of time, we must follow in the wake of this mighty +ark--a humble cock-boat. When it pauses, we pause; when it runs ten +knots an hour, we run with the same celerity; and as, in order to carry +the reader from the penultimate chapter of this work unto the last +chapter, we were compelled to make him leap over a gap of seven blank +years, ten years more must likewise be granted to us before we are at +liberty to resume our history. + +During that period, Master Thomas Billings had been under the especial +care of his mother; and, as may be imagined, he rather increased than +diminished the accomplishments for which he had been remarkable while +under the roof of his foster-father. And with this advantage, that while +at the blacksmith's, and only three or four years of age, his virtues +were necessarily appreciated only in his family circle and among those +few acquaintances of his own time of life whom a youth of three can be +expected to meet in the alleys or over the gutters of a small country +hamlet,--in his mothers residence, his circle extended with his own +growth, and he began to give proofs of those powers of which in +infancy there had been only encouraging indications. Thus it was nowise +remarkable that a child of four years should not know his letters, and +should have had a great disinclination to learn them; but when a +young man of fifteen showed the same creditable ignorance, the +same undeviating dislike, it was easy to see that he possessed much +resolution and perseverance. When it was remarked, too, that, in case of +any difference, he not only beat the usher, but by no means disdained to +torment and bully the very smallest boys of the school, it was easy to +see that his mind was comprehensive and careful, as well as courageous +and grasping. As it was said of the Duke of Wellington, in the +Peninsula, that he had a thought for everybody--from Lord Hill to the +smallest drummer in the army--in like manner Tom Billings bestowed HIS +attention on high and low; but in the shape of blows: he would fight the +strongest and kick the smallest, and was always at work with one or the +other. At thirteen, when he was removed from the establishment whither +he had been sent, he was the cock of the school out of doors, and the +very last boy in. He used to let the little boys and new-comers pass him +by, and laugh; but he always belaboured them unmercifully afterwards; +and then it was, he said, HIS turn to laugh. With such a pugnacious +turn, Tom Billings ought to have been made a soldier, and might have +died a marshal; but, by an unlucky ordinance of fate, he was made a +tailor, and died a--never mind what for the present; suffice it to say, +that he was suddenly cut off, at a very early period of his existence, +by a disease which has exercised considerable ravages among the British +youth. + +By consulting the authority above mentioned, we find that Hayes did +not confine himself to the profession of a carpenter, or remain long +established in the country; but was induced, by the eager spirit of Mrs. +Catherine most probably, to try his fortune in the metropolis; where he +lived, flourished, and died. Oxford Road, Saint Giles's, and Tottenham +Court were, at various periods of his residence in town, inhabited +by him. At one place he carried on the business of greengrocer and +small-coalman; in another, he was carpenter, undertaker, and lender of +money to the poor; finally, he was a lodging-house keeper in the Oxford +or Tyburn Road; but continued to exercise the last-named charitable +profession. + +Lending as he did upon pledges, and carrying on a pretty large trade, +it was not for him, of course, to inquire into the pedigree of all +the pieces of plate, the bales of cloth, swords, watches, wigs, +shoe-buckles, etc. that were confided by his friends to his keeping; but +it is clear that his friends had the requisite confidence in him, and +that he enjoyed the esteem of a class of characters who still live in +history, and are admired unto this very day. The mind loves to think +that, perhaps, in Mr. Hayes's back parlour the gallant Turpin might +have hob-and-nobbed with Mrs. Catherine; that here, perhaps, the noble +Sheppard might have cracked his joke, or quaffed his pint of rum. Who +knows but that Macheath and Paul Clifford may have crossed legs under +Hayes's dinner-table? But why pause to speculate on things that might +have been? why desert reality for fond imagination, or call up from +their honoured graves the sacred dead? I know not: and yet, in sooth, I +can never pass Cumberland Gate without a sigh, as I think of the gallant +cavaliers who traversed that road in old time. Pious priests accompanied +their triumphs; their chariots were surrounded by hosts of glittering +javelin-men. As the slave at the car of the Roman conqueror shouted, +"Remember thou art mortal!", before the eyes of the British warrior rode +the undertaker and his coffin, telling him that he too must die! Mark +well the spot! A hundred years ago Albion Street (where comic Power +dwelt, Milesia's darling son)--Albion Street was a desert. The square of +Connaught was without its penultimate, and, strictly speaking, NAUGHT. +The Edgware Road was then a road, 'tis true; with tinkling waggons +passing now and then, and fragrant walls of snowy hawthorn blossoms. +The ploughman whistled over Nutford Place; down the green solitudes of +Sovereign Street the merry milkmaid led the lowing kine. Here, then, in +the midst of green fields and sweet air--before ever omnibuses were, +and when Pineapple Turnpike and Terrace were alike unknown--here stood +Tyburn: and on the road towards it, perhaps to enjoy the prospect, +stood, in the year 1725, the habitation of Mr. John Hayes. + +One fine morning in the year 1725, Mrs. Hayes, who had been abroad +in her best hat and riding-hood; Mr. Hayes, who for a wonder had +accompanied her; and Mrs. Springatt, a lodger, who for a remuneration +had the honour of sharing Mrs. Hayes's friendship and table: all +returned, smiling and rosy, at about half-past ten o'clock, from a +walk which they had taken to Bayswater. Many thousands of people were +likewise seen flocking down the Oxford Road; and you would rather +have thought, from the smartness of their appearance and the pleasure +depicted in their countenances, that they were just issuing from a +sermon, than quitting the ceremony which they had been to attend. + +The fact is, that they had just been to see a gentleman hanged,--a +cheap pleasure, which the Hayes family never denied themselves; and they +returned home with a good appetite to breakfast, braced by the walk, and +tickled into hunger, as it were, by the spectacle. I can recollect, when +I was a gyp at Cambridge, that the "men" used to have breakfast-parties +for the very same purpose; and the exhibition of the morning acted +infallibly upon the stomach, and caused the young students to eat with +much voracity. + +Well, Mrs. Catherine, a handsome, well-dressed, plump, rosy woman of +three or four and thirty (and when, my dear, is a woman handsomer than +at that age?), came in quite merrily from her walk, and entered the +back-parlour, which looked into a pleasant yard, or garden, whereon the +sun was shining very gaily; and where, at a table covered with a nice +white cloth, laid out with some silver mugs, too, and knives, all with +different crests and patterns, sat an old gentleman reading in an old +book. + +"Here we are at last, Doctor," said Mrs. Hayes, "and here's his speech." +She produced the little halfpenny tract, which to this day is sold at +the gallows-foot upon the death of every offender. "I've seen a many men +turned off, to be sure; but I never did see one who bore it more like a +man than he did." + +"My dear," said the gentleman addressed as Doctor, "he was as cool and +as brave as steel, and no more minded hanging than tooth-drawing." + +"It was the drink that ruined him," said Mrs. Cat. + +"Drink, and bad company. I warned him, my dear,--I warned him years ago: +and directly he got into Wild's gang, I knew that he had not a year +to run. Ah, why, my love, will men continue such dangerous courses," +continued the Doctor, with a sigh, "and jeopardy their lives for a +miserable watch or a snuff-box, of which Mr. Wild takes three-fourths of +the produce? But here comes the breakfast; and, egad, I am as hungry as +a lad of twenty." + +Indeed, at this moment Mrs. Hayes's servant appeared with a smoking dish +of bacon and greens; and Mr. Hayes himself ascended from the cellar +(of which he kept the key), bearing with him a tolerably large jug +of small-beer. To this repast the Doctor, Mrs. Springatt (the other +lodger), and Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, proceeded with great alacrity. A fifth +cover was laid, but not used; the company remarking that "Tom had very +likely found some acquaintances at Tyburn, with whom he might choose to +pass the morning." + +Tom was Master Thomas Billings, now of the age of sixteen: slim, +smart, five feet ten inches in height, handsome, sallow in complexion, +black-eyed and black-haired. Mr. Billings was apprentice to a tailor, of +tolerable practice, who was to take him into partnership at the end of +his term. It was supposed, and with reason, that Tom would not fail +to make a fortune in this business; of which the present head was one +Beinkleider, a German. Beinkleider was skilful in his trade (after +the manner of his nation, which in breeches and metaphysics--in +inexpressibles and incomprehensibles--may instruct all Europe), but too +fond of his pleasure. Some promissory notes of his had found their way +into Hayes's hands, and had given him the means not only of providing +Master Billings with a cheap apprenticeship, and a cheap partnership +afterwards; but would empower him, in one or two years after the young +partner had joined the firm, to eject the old one altogether. So that +there was every prospect that, when Mr. Billings was twenty-one years +of age, poor Beinkleider would have to act, not as his master, but his +journeyman. + +Tom was a very precocious youth; was supplied by a doting mother with +plenty of pocket-money, and spent it with a number of lively companions +of both sexes, at plays, bull-baitings, fairs, jolly parties on the +river, and such-like innocent amusements. He could throw a main, too, as +well as his elders; had pinked his man, in a row at Madam King's in the +Piazza; and was much respected at the Roundhouse. + +Mr. Hayes was not very fond of this promising young gentleman; indeed, +he had the baseness to bear malice, because, in a quarrel which occurred +about two years previously, he, Hayes, being desirous to chastise Mr. +Billings, had found himself not only quite incompetent, but actually at +the mercy of the boy; who struck him over the head with a joint-stool, +felled him to the ground, and swore he would have his life. The Doctor, +who was then also a lodger at Mr. Hayes's, interposed, and restored +the combatants, not to friendship, but to peace. Hayes never afterwards +attempted to lift his hand to the young man, but contented himself +with hating him profoundly. In this sentiment Mr. Billings participated +cordially; and, quite unlike Mr. Hayes, who never dared to show his +dislike, used on every occasion when they met, by actions, looks, words, +sneers, and curses, to let his stepfather know the opinion which he had +of him. Why did not Hayes discard the boy altogether? Because, if he +did so, he was really afraid of his life, and because he trembled +before Mrs. Hayes, his lady, as the leaf trembles before the tempest in +October. His breath was not his own, but hers; his money, too, had been +chiefly of her getting,--for though he was as stingy and mean as mortal +man can be, and so likely to save much, he had not the genius for +GETTING which Mrs. Hayes possessed. She kept his books (for she had +learned to read and write by this time), she made his bargains, and she +directed the operations of the poor-spirited little capitalist. When +bills became due, and debtors pressed for time, then she brought Hayes's +own professional merits into play. The man was as deaf and cold as a +rock; never did poor tradesmen gain a penny from him; never were the +bailiffs delayed one single minute from their prey. The Beinkleider +business, for instance, showed pretty well the genius of the two. Hayes +was for closing with him at once; but his wife saw the vast profits +which might be drawn out of him, and arranged the apprenticeship and the +partnership before alluded to. The woman heartily scorned and spit upon +her husband, who fawned upon her like a spaniel. She loved good cheer; +she did not want for a certain kind of generosity. The only feeling that +Hayes had for anyone except himself was for his wife, whom he held in +a cowardly awe and attachment: he liked drink, too, which made +him chirping and merry, and accepted willingly any treats that his +acquaintances might offer him; but he would suffer agonies when his wife +brought or ordered from the cellar a bottle of wine. + +And now for the Doctor. He was about seventy years of age. He had been +much abroad; he was of a sober, cheerful aspect; he dressed handsomely +and quietly in a broad hat and cassock; but saw no company except the +few friends whom he met at the coffee-house. He had an income of about +one hundred pounds, which he promised to leave to young Billings. He was +amused with the lad, and fond of his mother, and had boarded with them +for some years past. The Doctor, in fact, was our old friend Corporal +Brock, the Reverend Doctor Wood now, as he had been Major Wood fifteen +years back. + +Anyone who has read the former part of this history must have seen that +we have spoken throughout with invariable respect of Mr. Brock; and that +in every circumstance in which he has appeared, he has acted not only +with prudence, but often with genius. The early obstacle to Mr. Brock's +success was want of conduct simply. Drink, women, play--how many a brave +fellow have they ruined!--had pulled Brock down as often as his merit +had carried him up. When a man's passion for play has brought him to be +a scoundrel, it at once ceases to be hurtful to him in a worldly point +of view; he cheats, and wins. It is only for the idle and luxurious +that women retain their fascinations to a very late period; and Brock's +passions had been whipped out of him in Virginia; where much ill-health, +ill-treatment, hard labour, and hard food, speedily put an end to them. +He forgot there even how to drink; rum or wine made this poor declining +gentleman so ill that he could indulge in them no longer; and so his +three vices were cured. + +Had he been ambitious, there is little doubt but that Mr. Brock, on his +return from transportation, might have risen in the world; but he was +old and a philosopher: he did not care about rising. Living was cheaper +in those days, and interest for money higher: when he had amassed about +six hundred pounds, he purchased an annuity of seventy-two pounds, and +gave out--why should he not?--that he had the capital as well as the +interest. After leaving the Hayes family in the country, he found them +again in London: he took up his abode with them, and was attached to the +mother and the son. Do you suppose that rascals have not affections +like other people? hearts, madam--ay, hearts--and family ties which they +cherish? As the Doctor lived on with this charming family he began to +regret that he had sunk all his money in annuities, and could not, as he +repeatedly vowed he would, leave his savings to his adopted children. + +He felt an indescribable pleasure ("suave mari magno," etc.) in watching +the storms and tempests of the Hayes menage. He used to encourage Mrs. +Catherine into anger when, haply, that lady's fits of calm would last +too long; he used to warm up the disputes between wife and husband, +mother and son, and enjoy them beyond expression: they served him for +daily amusement; and he used to laugh until the tears ran down his +venerable cheeks at the accounts which young Tom continually brought +him of his pranks abroad, among watchmen and constables, at taverns or +elsewhere. + +When, therefore, as the party were discussing their bacon and cabbage, +before which the Reverend Doctor with much gravity said grace, Master +Tom entered. Doctor Wood, who had before been rather gloomy, immediately +brightened up, and made a place for Billings between himself and Mrs. +Catherine. + +"How do, old cock?" said that young gentleman familiarly. "How goes it, +mother?" And so saying, he seized eagerly upon the jug of beer which Mr. +Hayes had drawn, and from which the latter was about to help himself, +and poured down his throat exactly one quart. + +"Ah!" said Mr. Billings, drawing breath after a draught which he had +learned accurately to gauge from the habit of drinking out of pewter +measures which held precisely that quantity.--"Ah!" said Mr. Billings, +drawing breath, and wiping his mouth with his sleeves, "this is very +thin stuff, old Squaretoes; but my coppers have been red-hot since last +night, and they wanted a sluicing." + +"Should you like some ale, dear?" said Mrs. Hayes, that fond and +judicious parent. + +"A quart of brandy, Tom?" said Doctor Wood. "Your papa will run down to +the cellar for it in a minute." + +"I'll see him hanged first!" cried Mr. Hayes, quite frightened. + +"Oh, fie, now, you unnatural father!" said the Doctor. + +The very name of father used to put Mr. Hayes in a fury. "I'm not his +father, thank Heaven!" said he. + +"No, nor nobody else's," said Tom. + +Mr. Hayes only muttered "Base-born brat!" + +"His father was a gentleman,--that's more than you ever were!" screamed +Mrs. Hayes. "His father was a man of spirit; no cowardly sneak of a +carpenter, Mr Hayes! Tom has noble blood in his veins, for all he has a +tailor's appearance; and if his mother had had her right, she would be +now in a coach-and-six." + +"I wish I could find my father," said Tom; "for I think Polly Briggs and +I would look mighty well in a coach-and-six." Tom fancied that if his +father was a count at the time of his birth, he must be a prince now; +and, indeed, went among his companions by the latter august title. + +"Ay, Tom, that you would," cried his mother, looking at him fondly. + +"With a sword by my side, and a hat and feather there's never a lord at +St. James's would cut a finer figure." + +After a little more of this talk, in which Mrs. Hayes let the company +know her high opinion of her son--who, as usual, took care to show +his extreme contempt for his stepfather--the latter retired to his +occupations; the lodger, Mrs. Springatt, who had never said a word all +this time, retired to her apartment on the second floor; and, pulling +out their pipes and tobacco, the old gentleman and the young one solaced +themselves with half-an-hour's more talk and smoking; while the thrifty +Mrs. Hayes, opposite to them, was busy with her books. + +"What's in the confessions?" said Mr. Billings to Doctor Wood. "There +were six of 'em besides Mac: two for sheep, four housebreakers; but +nothing of consequence, I fancy." + +"There's the paper," said Wood, archly. "Read for yourself, Tom." + +Mr. Tom looked at the same time very fierce and very foolish; for, +though he could drink, swear, and fight as well as any lad of his inches +in England, reading was not among his accomplishments. "I tell you what, +Doctor," said he, "---- you! have no bantering with me,--for I'm not the +man that will bear it, ---- me!" and he threw a tremendous swaggering look +across the table. + +"I want you to learn to read, Tommy dear. Look at your mother there over +her books: she keeps them as neat as a scrivener now, and at twenty she +could make never a stroke." + +"Your godfather speaks for your good, child; and for me, thou knowest +that I have promised thee a gold-headed cane and periwig on the first +day that thou canst read me a column of the Flying Post." + +"Hang the periwig!" said Mr. Tom, testily. "Let my godfather read the +paper himself, if he has a liking for it." + +Whereupon the old gentleman put on his spectacles, and glanced over +the sheet of whity-brown paper, which, ornamented with a picture of +a gallows at the top, contained the biographies of the seven unlucky +individuals who had that morning suffered the penalty of the law. With +the six heroes who came first in the list we have nothing to do; but +have before us a copy of the paper containing the life of No. 7, and +which the Doctor read in an audible voice. + + "CAPTAIN MACSHANE. + +"The seventh victim to his own crimes was the famous highwayman, Captain +Macshane, so well known as the Irish Fire-eater. + +"The Captain came to the ground in a fine white lawn shirt and nightcap; +and, being a Papist in his religion, was attended by Father O'Flaherty, +Popish priest, and chaplain to the Bavarian Envoy. + +"Captain Macshane was born of respectable parents, in the town of +Clonakilty, in Ireland, being descended from most of the kings in that +country. He had the honour of serving their Majesties King William +and Queen Mary, and Her Majesty Queen Anne, in Flanders and Spain, and +obtained much credit from my Lords Marlborough and Peterborough for his +valour. + +"But being placed on half-pay at the end of the war, Ensign Macshane +took to evil courses; and, frequenting the bagnios and dice-houses, was +speedily brought to ruin. + +"Being at this pass, he fell in with the notorious Captain Wood, and +they two together committed many atrocious robberies in the inland +counties; but these being too hot to hold them, they went into the west, +where they were unknown. Here, however, the day of retribution arrived; +for, having stolen three pewter-pots from a public-house, they, under +false names, were tried at Exeter, and transported for seven years +beyond the sea. Thus it is seen that Justice never sleeps; but, sooner +or latter, is sure to overtake the criminal. + +"On their return from Virginia, a quarrel about booty arose between +these two, and Macshane killed Wood in a combat that took place between +them near to the town of Bristol; but a waggon coming up, Macshane +was obliged to fly without the ill-gotten wealth: so true is it, that +wickedness never prospers. + +"Two days afterwards, Macshane met the coach of Miss Macraw, a Scotch +lady and heiress, going, for lumbago and gout, to the Bath. He at first +would have robbed this lady; but such were his arts, that he induced +her to marry him; and they lived together for seven years in the town of +Eddenboro, in Scotland,--he passing under the name of Colonel Geraldine. +The lady dying, and Macshane having expended all her wealth, he was +obliged to resume his former evil courses, in order to save himself +from starvation; whereupon he robbed a Scotch lord, by name the Lord of +Whistlebinkie, of a mull of snuff; for which crime he was condemned to +the Tolbooth prison at Eddenboro, in Scotland, and whipped many times in +publick. + +"These deserved punishments did not at all alter Captain Macshane's +disposition; and on the 17th of February last, he stopped the Bavarian +Envoy's coach on Blackheath, coming from Dover, and robbed his +Excellency and his chaplain; taking from the former his money, watches, +star, a fur-cloak, his sword (a very valuable one); and from the latter +a Romish missal, out of which he was then reading, and a case-bottle." + +"The Bavarian Envoy!" said Tom parenthetically. "My master, Beinkleider, +was his Lordship's regimental tailor in Germany, and is now making a +Court suit for him. It will be a matter of a hundred pounds to him, I +warrant." + +Doctor Wood resumed his reading. "Hum--hum! A Romish missal, out of +which he was reading, and a case-bottle. + +"By means of the famous Mr. Wild, this notorious criminal was brought +to justice, and the case-bottle and missal have been restored to Father +O'Flaherty. + +"During his confinement in Newgate, Mr. Macshane could not be brought to +express any contrition for his crimes, except that of having killed his +commanding officer. For this Wood he pretended an excessive sorrow, +and vowed that usquebaugh had been the cause of his death,--indeed, in +prison he partook of no other liquor, and drunk a bottle of it on the +day before his death. + +"He was visited by several of the clergy and gentry in his cell; among +others, by the Popish priest whom he had robbed, Father O'Flaherty, +before mentioned, who attended him likewise in his last moments (if +that idolatrous worship may be called attention), and likewise by +the Father's patron, the Bavarian Ambassador, his Excellency Count +Maximilian de Galgenstein." + +As old Wood came to these words, he paused to give them utterance. + +"What! Max?" screamed Mrs. Hayes, letting her ink-bottle fall over her +ledgers. + +"Why, be hanged if it ben't my father!" said Mr. Billings. + +"Your father, sure enough, unless there be others of his name, and +unless the scoundrel is hanged," said the Doctor--sinking his voice, +however, at the end of the sentence. + +Mr. Billings broke his pipe in an agony of joy. "I think we'll have the +coach now, Mother," says he; "and I'm blessed if Polly Briggs shall not +look as fine as a duchess." + +"Polly Briggs is a low slut, Tom, and not fit for the likes of you, his +Excellency's son. Oh, fie! You must be a gentleman now, sirrah; and +I doubt whether I shan't take you away from that odious tailor's shop +altogether." + +To this proposition Mr. Billings objected altogether; for, besides Mrs. +Briggs before alluded to, the young gentleman was much attached to his +master's daughter, Mrs. Margaret Gretel, or Gretchen Beinkleider. + +"No," says he. "There will be time to think of that hereafter, ma'am. If +my pa makes a man of me, why, of course, the shop may go to the deuce, +for what I care; but we had better wait, look you, for something certain +before we give up such a pretty bird in the hand as this." + +"He speaks like Solomon," said the Doctor. + +"I always said he would be a credit to his old mother, didn't I, Brock?" +cried Mrs. Cat, embracing her son very affectionately. "A credit to her; +ay, I warrant, a real blessing! And dost thou want any money, Tom? for +a lord's son must not go about without a few pieces in his pocket. And I +tell thee, Tommy, thou must go and see his Lordship; and thou shalt +have a piece of brocade for a waistcoat, thou shalt; ay, and the +silver-hilted sword I told thee of; but oh, Tommy, Tommy! have a care, +and don't be a-drawing of it in naughty company at the gaming-houses, or +at the--" + +"A drawing of fiddlesticks, Mother! If I go to see my father, I must +have a reason for it; and instead of going with a sword in my hand, I +shall take something else in it." + +"The lad IS a lad of nous," cried Doctor Wood, "although his mother does +spoil him so cruelly. Look you, Madam Cat: did you not hear what he said +about Beinkleider and the clothes? Tommy will just wait on the Count +with his Lordship's breeches. A man may learn a deal of news in the +trying on of a pair of breeches." + +And so it was agreed that in this manner the son should at first +make his appearance before his father. Mrs. Cat gave him the piece of +brocade, which, in the course of the day, was fashioned into a smart +waistcoat (for Beinkleider's shop was close by, in Cavendish Square). +Mrs. Gretel, with many blushes, tied a fine blue riband round his neck; +and, in a pair of silk stockings, with gold buckles to his shoes, Master +Billings looked a very proper young gentleman. + +"And, Tommy," said his mother, blushing and hesitating, "should +Max--should his Lordship ask after your--want to know if your mother is +alive, you can say she is, and well, and often talks of old times. And, +Tommy" (after another pause), "you needn't say anything about Mr. Hayes; +only say I'm quite well." + +Mrs. Hayes looked at him as he marched down the street, a long long way. +Tom was proud and gay in his new costume, and was not unlike his father. +As she looked, lo! Oxford Street disappeared, and she saw a green +common, and a village, and a little inn. There was a soldier leading a +pair of horses about on the green common; and in the inn sat a cavalier, +so young, so merry, so beautiful! Oh, what slim white hands he had; and +winning words, and tender, gentle blue eyes! Was it not an honour to +a country lass that such a noble gentleman should look at her for a +moment? Had he not some charm about him that she must needs obey when he +whispered in her ear, "Come, follow me!" As she walked towards the lane +that morning, how well she remembered each spot as she passed it, and +the look it wore for the last time! How the smoke was rising from the +pastures, how the fish were jumping and plashing in the mill-stream! +There was the church, with all its windows lighted up with gold, and +yonder were the reapers sweeping down the brown corn. She tried to sing +as she went up the hill--what was it? She could not remember; but oh, +how well she remembered the sound of the horse's hoofs, as they came +quicker, quicker--nearer, nearer! How noble he looked on his great +horse! Was he thinking of her, or were they all silly words which he +spoke last night, merely to pass away the time and deceive poor girls +with? Would he remember them,--would he? + +"Cat my dear," here cried Mr. Brock, alias Captain, alias Doctor Wood, +"here's the meat a-getting cold, and I am longing for my breakfast." + +As they went in he looked her hard in the face. "What, still at it, +you silly girl? I've been watching you these five minutes, Cat; and be +hanged but I think a word from Galgenstein, and you would follow him as +a fly does a treacle-pot!" + +They went in to breakfast; but though there was a hot shoulder of mutton +and onion-sauce--Mrs. Catherine's favourite dish--she never touched a +morsel of it. + +In the meanwhile Mr. Thomas Billings, in his new clothes which his mamma +had given him, in his new riband which the fair Miss Beinkleider had +tied round his neck, and having his Excellency's breeches wrapped in +a silk handkerchief in his right hand, turned down in the direction of +Whitehall, where the Bavarian Envoy lodged. But, before he waited +on him, Mr. Billings, being excessively pleased with his personal +appearance, made an early visit to Mrs. Briggs, who lived in the +neighbourhood of Swallow Street; and who, after expressing herself with +much enthusiasm regarding her Tommy's good looks, immediately asked him +what he would stand to drink? Raspberry gin being suggested, a pint of +that liquor was sent for; and so great was the confidence and intimacy +subsisting between these two young people, that the reader will be glad +to hear that Mrs. Polly accepted every shilling of the money which Tom +Billings had received from his mamma the day before; nay, could with +difficulty be prevented from seizing upon the cut-velvet breeches which +he was carrying to the nobleman for whom they were made. Having paid his +adieux to Mrs. Polly, Mr. Billings departed to visit his father. + + + +CHAPTER IX. INTERVIEW BETWEEN COUNT GALGENSTEIN AND MASTER THOMAS +BILLINGS, WHEN HE INFORMS THE COUNT OF HIS PARENTAGE. + + +I don't know in all this miserable world a more miserable spectacle than +that of a young fellow of five or six and forty. The British army, that +nursery of valour, turns out many of the young fellows I mean: who, +having flaunted in dragoon uniforms from seventeen to six-and-thirty; +having bought, sold, or swapped during that period some two hundred +horses; having played, say, fifteen thousand games at billiards; having +drunk some six thousand bottles of wine; having consumed a reasonable +number of Nugee coats, split many dozen pairs of high-heeled Hoby boots, +and read the newspaper and the army-list duly, retire from the service +when they have attained their eighth lustre, and saunter through the +world, trailing from London to Cheltenham, and from Boulogne to Paris, +and from Paris to Baden, their idleness, their ill-health, and their +ennui. "In the morning of youth," and when seen along with whole troops +of their companions, these flowers look gaudy and brilliant enough; +but there is no object more dismal than one of them alone, and in its +autumnal, or seedy state. My friend, Captain Popjoy, is one who has +arrived at this condition, and whom everybody knows by his title of +Father Pop. A kinder, simpler, more empty-headed fellow does not exist. +He is forty-seven years old, and appears a young, good-looking man +of sixty. At the time of the Army of Occupation he really was as +good-looking a man as any in the Dragoons. He now uses all sorts of +stratagems to cover the bald place on his head, by combing certain +thin grey sidelocks over it. He has, in revenge, a pair of enormous +moustaches, which he dyes of the richest blue-black. His nose is a good +deal larger and redder than it used to be; his eyelids have grown flat +and heavy; and a little pair of red, watery eyeballs float in the midst +of them: it seems as if the light which was once in those sickly green +pupils had extravasated into the white part of the eye. If Pop's legs +are not so firm and muscular as they used to be in those days when he +took such leaps into White's buckskins, in revenge his waist is much +larger. He wears a very good coat, however, and a waistband, which he +lets out after dinner. Before ladies he blushes, and is as silent as a +schoolboy. He calls them "modest women." His society is chiefly among +young lads belonging to his former profession. He knows the best wine +to be had at each tavern or cafe, and the waiters treat him with much +respectful familiarity. He knows the names of every one of them; and +shouts out, "Send Markwell here!" or, "Tell Cuttriss to give us a bottle +of the yellow seal!" or, "Dizzy voo, Monsure Borrel, noo donny shampang +frappy," etc. He always makes the salad or the punch, and dines +out three hundred days in the year: the other days you see him in a +two-franc eating-house at Paris, or prowling about Rupert Street, or St. +Martin's Court, where you get a capital cut of meat for eightpence. He +has decent lodgings and scrupulously clean linen; his animal functions +are still tolerably well preserved, his spiritual have evaporated long +since; he sleeps well, has no conscience, believes himself to be a +respectable fellow, and is tolerably happy on the days when he is asked +out to dinner. + +Poor Pop is not very high in the scale of created beings; but, if you +fancy there is none lower, you are in egregious error. There was once +a man who had a mysterious exhibition of an animal, quite unknown to +naturalists, called "the wusser." Those curious individuals who desired +to see the wusser were introduced into an apartment where appeared +before them nothing more than a little lean shrivelled hideous +blear-eyed mangy pig. Everyone cried out "Swindle!" and "Shame!" +"Patience, gentlemen, be heasy," said the showman: "look at that there +hanimal; it's a perfect phenomaly of hugliness: I engage you never see +such a pig." Nobody ever had seen. "Now, gentlemen," said he, "I'll keep +my promise, has per bill; and bad as that there pig is, look at this +here" (he showed another). "Look at this here, and you'll see at once +that it's A WUSSER." In like manner the Popjoy breed is bad enough, but +it serves only to show off the Galgenstein race; which is WUSSER. + +Galgenstein had led a very gay life, as the saying is, for the last +fifteen years; such a gay one, that he had lost all capacity of +enjoyment by this time, and only possessed inclinations without +powers of gratifying them. He had grown to be exquisitely curious and +fastidious about meat and drink, for instance, and all that he wanted +was an appetite. He carried about with him a French cook, who could not +make him eat; a doctor, who could not make him well; a mistress, of whom +he was heartily sick after two days; a priest, who had been a favourite +of the exemplary Dubois, and by turns used to tickle him by the +imposition of penance, or by the repetition of a tale from the recueil +of Noce, or La Fare. All his appetites were wasted and worn; only some +monstrosity would galvanise them into momentary action. He was in that +effete state to which many noblemen of his time had arrived; who were +ready to believe in ghost-raising or in gold-making, or to retire into +monasteries and wear hair-shirts, or to dabble in conspiracies, or to +die in love with little cook-maids of fifteen, or to pine for the smiles +or at the frowns of a prince of the blood, or to go mad at the refusal +of a chamberlain's key. The last gratification he remembered to have +enjoyed was that of riding bareheaded in a soaking rain for three hours +by the side of his Grand Duke's mistress's coach; taking the pas of +Count Krahwinkel, who challenged him, and was run through the body for +this very dispute. Galgenstein gained a rheumatic gout by it, which put +him to tortures for many months; and was further gratified with the post +of English Envoy. He had a fortune, he asked no salary, and could +look the envoy very well. Father O'Flaherty did all the duties, and +furthermore acted as a spy over the ambassador--a sinecure post, for the +man had no feelings, wishes, or opinions--absolutely none. + +"Upon my life, father," said this worthy man, "I care for nothing. You +have been talking for an hour about the Regent's death, and the Duchess +of Phalaris, and sly old Fleury, and what not; and I care just as much +as if you told me that one of my bauers at Galgenstein had killed a pig; +or as if my lacquey, La Rose yonder, had made love to my mistress." + +"He does!" said the reverend gentleman. + +"Ah, Monsieur l'Abbe!" said La Rose, who was arranging his master's +enormous Court periwig, "you are, helas! wrong. Monsieur le Comte will +not be angry at my saying that I wish the accusation were true." + +The Count did not take the slightest notice of La Rose's wit, but +continued his own complaints. + +"I tell you, Abbe, I care for nothing. I lost a thousand guineas t'other +night at basset; I wish to my heart I could have been vexed about it. +Egad! I remember the day when to lose a hundred made me half mad for +a month. Well, next day I had my revenge at dice, and threw thirteen +mains. There was some delay; a call for fresh bones, I think; and would +you believe it?--I fell asleep with the box in my hand!" + +"A desperate case, indeed," said the Abbe. + +"If it had not been for Krahwinkel, I should have been a dead man, +that's positive. That pinking him saved me." + +"I make no doubt of it," said the Abbe. "Had your Excellency not run him +through, he, without a doubt, would have done the same for you." + +"Psha! you mistake my words, Monsieur l'Abbe" (yawning). "I mean--what +cursed chocolate!--that I was dying for want of excitement. Not that I +cared for dying; no, d---- me if I do!" + +"WHEN you do, your Excellency means," said the Abbe, a fat grey-haired +Irishman, from the Irlandois College at Paris. + +His Excellency did not laugh, nor understand jokes of any kind; he was +of an undeviating stupidity, and only replied, "Sir, I mean what I say. +I don't care for living: no, nor for dying either; but I can speak as +well as another, and I'll thank you not to be correcting my phrases as +if I were one of your cursed schoolboys, and not a gentleman of fortune +and blood." + +Herewith the Count, who had uttered four sentences about himself (he +never spoke of anything else), sunk back on his pillows again, quite +exhausted by his eloquence. The Abbe, who had a seat and a table by the +bedside, resumed the labours which had brought him into the room in the +morning, and busied himself with papers, which occasionally he handed +over to his superior for approval. + +Presently Monsieur la Rose appeared. + +"Here is a person with clothes from Mr. Beinkleider's. Will your +Excellency see him, or shall I bid him leave the clothes?" + +The Count was very much fatigued by this time; he had signed three +papers, and read the first half-a-dozen lines of a pair of them. + +"Bid the fellow come in, La Rose; and, hark ye, give me my wig: one +must show one's self to be a gentleman before these scoundrels." And he +therefore mounted a large chestnut-coloured, orange-scented pyramid of +horsehair, which was to awe the new-comer. + +He was a lad of about seventeen, in a smart waistcoat and a blue riband: +our friend Tom Billings, indeed. He carried under his arm the Count's +destined breeches. He did not seem in the least awed, however, by +his Excellency's appearance, but looked at him with a great degree of +curiosity and boldness. In the same manner he surveyed the chaplain, and +then nodded to him with a kind look of recognition. + +"Where have I seen the lad?" said the father. "Oh, I have it! My good +friend, you were at the hanging yesterday, I think?" + +Mr. Billings gave a very significant nod with his head. "I never miss," +said he. + +"What a young Turk! And pray, sir, do you go for pleasure, or for +business?" + +"Business! what do you mean by business?" + +"Oh, I did not know whether you might be brought up to the trade, or +your relations be undergoing the operation." + +"My relations," said Mr. Billings, proudly, and staring the Count full +in the face, "was not made for no such thing. I'm a tailor now, but I'm +a gentleman's son: as good a man, ay, as his lordship there: for YOU +a'n't his lordship--you're the Popish priest you are; and we were very +near giving you a touch of a few Protestant stones, master." + +The Count began to be a little amused: he was pleased to see the Abbe +look alarmed, or even foolish. + +"Egad, Abbe," said he, "you turn as white as a sheet." + +"I don't fancy being murdered, my Lord," said the Abbe, hastily; +"and murdered for a good work. It was but to be useful to yonder poor +Irishman, who saved me as a prisoner in Flanders, when Marlborough would +have hung me up like poor Macshane himself was yesterday." + +"Ah!" said the Count, bursting out with some energy, "I was thinking who +the fellow could be, ever since he robbed me on the Heath. I recollect +the scoundrel now: he was a second in a duel I had here in the year +six." + +"Along with Major Wood, behind Montague House," said Mr. Billings. "I'VE +heard on it." And here he looked more knowing than ever. + +"YOU!" cried the Count, more and more surprised. "And pray who the devil +ARE you?" + +"My name's Billings." + +"Billings?" said the Count. + +"I come out of Warwickshire," said Mr. Billings. + +"Indeed!" + +"I was born at Birmingham town." + +"Were you, really!" + +"My mother's name was Hayes," continued Billings, in a solemn voice. "I +was put out to a nurse along with John Billings, a blacksmith; and my +father run away. NOW do you know who I am?" + +"Why, upon honour, now," said the Count, who was amused,--"upon honour, +Mr. Billings, I have not that advantage." + +"Well, then, my Lord, YOU'RE MY FATHER!" + +Mr. Billings when he said this came forward to the Count with a +theatrical air; and, flinging down the breeches of which he was the +bearer, held out his arms and stared, having very little doubt but that +his Lordship would forthwith spring out of bed and hug him to his heart. +A similar piece of naivete many fathers of families have, I have no +doubt, remarked in their children; who, not caring for their parents a +single doit, conceive, nevertheless, that the latter are bound to show +all sorts of affection for them. His lordship did move, but backwards +towards the wall, and began pulling at the bell-rope with an expression +of the most intense alarm. + +"Keep back, sirrah!--keep back! Suppose I AM your father, do you want +to murder me? Good heavens! how the boy smells of gin and tobacco! Don't +turn away, my lad; sit down there at a proper distance. And, La Rose, +give him some eau-de-Cologne, and get a cup of coffee. Well, now, go on +with your story. Egad, my dear Abbe, I think it is very likely that what +the lad says is true." + +"If it is a family conversation," said the Abbe, "I had better leave +you." + +"Oh, for Heaven's sake, no! I could not stand the boy alone. Now, Mister +ah!--What's-your-name? Have the goodness to tell your story." + +Mr. Billings was woefully disconcerted; for his mother and he had agreed +that as soon as his father saw him he would be recognised at once, and, +mayhap, made heir to the estates and title; in which being disappointed, +he very sulkily went on with his narrative, and detailed many of those +events with which the reader has already been made acquainted. The Count +asked the boy's mother's Christian name, and being told it, his memory +at once returned to him. + +"What! are you little Cat's son?" said his Excellency. "By heavens, mon +cher Abbe, a charming creature, but a tigress--positively a tigress. I +recollect the whole affair now. She's a little fresh black-haired woman, +a'n't she? with a sharp nose and thick eyebrows, ay? Ah yes, yes!" went +on my Lord, "I recollect her, I recollect her. It was at Birmingham I +first met her: she was my Lady Trippet's woman, wasn't she?" + +"She was no such thing," said Mr. Billings, hotly. "Her aunt kept the +'Bugle Inn' on Waltham Green, and your Lordship seduced her." + +"Seduced her! Oh, 'gad, so I did. Stap me, now, I did. Yes, I made her +jump on my black horse, and bore her off like--like Aeneas bore his wife +away from the siege of Rome! hey, l'Abbe?" + +"The events were precisely similar," said the Abbe. "It is wonderful +what a memory you have!" + +"I was always remarkable for it," continued his Excellency. "Well, where +was I,--at the black horse? Yes, at the black horse. Well, I mounted +her on the black horse, and rode her en croupe, egad--ha, ha!--to +Birmingham; and there we billed and cooed together like a pair of +turtle-doves: yes--ha!--that we did!" + +"And this, I suppose, is the end of some of the BILLINGS?" said the +Abbe, pointing to Mr. Tom. + +"Billings! what do you mean? Yes--oh--ah--a pun, a calembourg. Fi +donc, M. l'Abbe." And then, after the wont of very stupid people, M. de +Galgenstein went on to explain to the Abbe his own pun. "Well, but to +proceed," cries he. "We lived together at Birmingham, and I was going to +be married to a rich heiress, egad! when what do you think this little +Cat does? She murders me, egad! and makes me manquer the marriage. +Twenty thousand, I think it was; and I wanted the money in those days. +Now, wasn't she an abominable monster, that mother of yours, hey, Mr. +a--What's-your-name?" + +"She served you right!" said Mr. Billings, with a great oath, starting +up out of all patience. + +"Fellow!" said his Excellency, quite aghast, "do you know to whom you +speak?--to a nobleman of seventy-eight descents; a count of the Holy +Roman Empire; a representative of a sovereign? Ha, egad! Don't stamp, +fellow, if you hope for my protection." + +"D--n your protection!" said Mr. Billings, in a fury. "Curse you and +your protection too! I'm a free-born Briton, and no ---- French Papist! +And any man who insults my mother--ay, or calls me feller--had better +look to himself and the two eyes in his head, I can tell him!" And with +this Mr. Billings put himself into the most approved attitude of the +Cockpit, and invited his father, the reverend gentleman, and Monsieur +la Rose the valet, to engage with him in a pugilistic encounter. The two +latter, the Abbe especially, seemed dreadfully frightened; but the Count +now looked on with much interest; and, giving utterance to a feeble kind +of chuckle, which lasted for about half a minute, said,-- + +"Paws off, Pompey! You young hangdog, you--egad, yes, aha! 'pon honour, +you're a lad of spirit; some of your father's spunk in you, hey? I know +him by that oath. Why, sir, when I was sixteen, I used to swear--to +swear, egad, like a Thames waterman, and exactly in this fellow's way! +Buss me, my lad; no, kiss my hand. That will do"--and he held out a very +lean yellow hand, peering from a pair of yellow ruffles. It shook very +much, and the shaking made all the rings upon it shine only the more. + +"Well," says Mr. Billings, "if you wasn't a-going to abuse me nor +mother, I don't care if I shake hands with you. I ain't proud!" + +The Abbe laughed with great glee; and that very evening sent off to his +Court a most ludicrous spicy description of the whole scene of meeting +between this amiable father and child; in which he said that young +Billings was the eleve favori of M. Kitch, Ecuyer, le bourreau de +Londres, and which made the Duke's mistress laugh so much that she vowed +that the Abbe should have a bishopric on his return: for, with such +store of wisdom, look you, my son, was the world governed in those days. + +The Count and his offspring meanwhile conversed with some cordiality. +The former informed the latter of all the diseases to which he +was subject, his manner of curing them, his great consideration as +chamberlain to the Duke of Bavaria; how he wore his Court suits, and of +a particular powder which he had invented for the hair; how, when he +was seventeen, he had run away with a canoness, egad! who was afterwards +locked up in a convent, and grew to be sixteen stone in weight; how +he remembered the time when ladies did not wear patches; and how the +Duchess of Marlborough boxed his ears when he was so high, because he +wanted to kiss her. + +All these important anecdotes took some time in the telling, and were +accompanied by many profound moral remarks; such as, "I can't abide +garlic, nor white-wine, stap me! nor Sauerkraut, though his Highness +eats half a bushel per day. I ate it the first time at Court; but when +they brought it me a second time, I refused--refused, split me and grill +me if I didn't! Everybody stared; his Highness looked as fierce as +a Turk; and that infernal Krahwinkel (my dear, I did for him +afterwards)--that cursed Krahwinkel, I say, looked as pleased as +possible, and whispered to Countess Fritsch, 'Blitzchen, Frau Grafinn,' +says he, 'it's all over with Galgenstein.' What did I do? I had the +entree, and demanded it. 'Altesse,' says I, falling on one knee, 'I ate +no kraut at dinner to-day. You remarked it: I saw your Highness remark +it.' + +"'I did, M. le Comte,' said his Highness, gravely. + +"I had almost tears in my eyes; but it was necessary to come to a +resolution, you know. 'Sir,' said I, 'I speak with deep grief to your +Highness, who are my benefactor, my friend, my father; but of this I +am resolved, I WILL NEVER EAT SAUERKRAUT MORE: it don't agree with me. +After being laid up for four weeks by the last dish of Sauerkraut of +which I partook, I may say with confidence--IT DON'T agree with me. By +impairing my health, it impairs my intellect, and weakens my strength; +and both I would keep for your Highness's service.' + +"'Tut, tut!' said his Highness. 'Tut, tut, tut!' Those were his very +words. + +"'Give me my sword or my pen,' said I. 'Give me my sword or my pen, +and with these Maximilian de Galgenstein is ready to serve you; but +sure,--sure, a great prince will pity the weak health of a faithful +subject, who does not know how to eat Sauerkraut?' His Highness was +walking about the room: I was still on my knees, and stretched forward +my hand to seize his coat. + +"'GEHT ZUM TEUFEL, Sir!' said he, in a loud voice (it means 'Go to the +deuce,' my dear),--'Geht zum Teufel, and eat what you like!' With this +he went out of the room abruptly; leaving in my hand one of his buttons, +which I keep to this day. As soon as I was alone, amazed by his great +goodness and bounty, I sobbed aloud--cried like a child" (the Count's +eyes filled and winked at the very recollection), "and when I went back +into the card-room, stepping up to Krahwinkel, 'Count,' says I, 'who +looks foolish now?'--Hey there, La Rose, give me the diamond--Yes, that +was the very pun I made, and very good it was thought. 'Krahwinkel,' +says I, 'WHO LOOKS FOOLISH NOW?' and from that day to this I was never +at a Court-day asked to eat Sauerkraut--NEVER!" + +"Hey there, La Rose! Bring me that diamond snuff-box in the drawer of my +secretaire;" and the snuff-box was brought. "Look at it, my dear," said +the Count, "for I saw you seemed to doubt. There is the button--the very +one that came off his Grace's coat." + +Mr. Billings received it, and twisted it about with a stupid air. The +story had quite mystified him; for he did not dare yet to think his +father was a fool--his respect for the aristocracy prevented him. + +When the Count's communications had ceased, which they did as soon as +the story of the Sauerkraut was finished, a silence of some minutes +ensued. Mr. Billings was trying to comprehend the circumstances above +narrated; his Lordship was exhausted; the chaplain had quitted the room +directly the word Sauerkraut was mentioned--he knew what was coming. His +Lordship looked for some time at his son; who returned the gaze with +his mouth wide open. "Well," said the Count--"well, sir? What are you +sitting there for? If you have nothing to say, sir, you had better go. I +had you here to amuse me--split me--and not to sit there staring!" + +Mr. Billings rose in a fury. + +"Hark ye, my lad," said the Count, "tell La Rose to give thee five +guineas, and, ah--come again some morning. A nice well-grown young lad," +mused the Count, as Master Tommy walked wondering out of the apartment; +"a pretty fellow enough, and intelligent too." + +"Well, he IS an odd fellow, my father," thought Mr. Billings, as he +walked out, having received the sum offered to him. And he immediately +went to call upon his friend Polly Briggs, from whom he had separated in +the morning. + +What was the result of their interview is not at all necessary to the +progress of this history. Having made her, however, acquainted with the +particulars of his visit to his father, he went to his mother's, and +related to her all that had occurred. + +Poor thing, she was very differently interested in the issue of it! + + + +CHAPTER X. SHOWING HOW GALGENSTEIN AND MRS. CAT RECOGNISE EACH OTHER IN +MARYLEBONE GARDENS--AND HOW THE COUNT DRIVES HER HOME IN HIS CARRIAGE. + + +About a month after the touching conversation above related, there was +given, at Marylebone Gardens, a grand concert and entertainment, at +which the celebrated Madame Amenaide, a dancer of the theatre at Paris, +was to perform, under the patronage of several English and foreign +noblemen; among whom was his Excellency the Bavarian Envoy. Madame +Amenaide was, in fact, no other than the maitresse en titre of the +Monsieur de Galgenstein, who had her a great bargain from the Duke de +Rohan-Chabot at Paris. + +It is not our purpose to make a great and learned display here, +otherwise the costumes of the company assembled at this fete might +afford scope for at least half-a-dozen pages of fine writing; and we +might give, if need were, specimens of the very songs and music sung on +the occasion. Does not the Burney collection of music, at the British +Museum, afford one an ample store of songs from which to choose? +Are there not the memoirs of Colley Cibber? those of Mrs. Clark, the +daughter of Colley? Is there not Congreve, and Farquhar--nay, and at a +pinch, the "Dramatic Biography," or even the Spectator, from which the +observant genius might borrow passages, and construct pretty antiquarian +figments? Leave we these trifles to meaner souls! Our business is not +with the breeches and periwigs, with the hoops and patches, but with the +divine hearts of men, and the passions which agitate them. What need, +therefore, have we to say that on this evening, after the dancing, the +music, and the fireworks, Monsieur de Galgenstein felt the strange and +welcome pangs of appetite, and was picking a cold chicken, along with +some other friends in an arbour--a cold chicken, with an accompaniment +of a bottle of champagne--when he was led to remark that a very handsome +plump little person, in a gorgeous stiff damask gown and petticoat, was +sauntering up and down the walk running opposite his supping-place, and +bestowing continual glances towards his Excellency. The lady, whoever +she was, was in a mask, such as ladies of high and low fashion wore at +public places in those days, and had a male companion. He was a lad of +only seventeen, marvellously well dressed--indeed, no other than the +Count's own son, Mr. Thomas Billings; who had at length received from +his mother the silver-hilted sword, and the wig, which that affectionate +parent had promised to him. + +In the course of the month which had elapsed since the interview that +has been described in the former chapter, Mr. Billings had several times +had occasion to wait on his father; but though he had, according to her +wishes, frequently alluded to the existence of his mother, the Count had +never at any time expressed the slightest wish to renew his acquaintance +with that lady; who, if she had seen him, had only seen him by stealth. + +The fact is, that after Billings had related to her the particulars of +his first meeting with his Excellency; which ended, like many of the +latter visits, in nothing at all; Mrs. Hayes had found some pressing +business, which continually took her to Whitehall, and had been prowling +from day to day about Monsieur de Galgenstein's lodgings. Four or five +times in the week, as his Excellency stepped into his coach, he might +have remarked, had he chosen, a woman in a black hood, who was looking +most eagerly into his eyes: but those eyes had long since left off the +practice of observing; and Madam Catherine's visits had so far gone for +nothing. + +On this night, however, inspired by gaiety and drink, the Count had been +amazingly stricken by the gait and ogling of the lady in the mask. The +Reverend O'Flaherty, who was with him, and had observed the figure in +the black cloak, recognised, or thought he recognised, her. "It is the +woman who dogs your Excellency every day," said he. "She is with that +tailor lad who loves to see people hanged--your Excellency's son, I +mean." And he was just about to warn the Count of a conspiracy evidently +made against him, and that the son had brought, most likely, the mother +to play her arts upon him--he was just about, I say, to show to the +Count the folly and danger of renewing an old liaison with a woman such +as he had described Mrs. Cat to be, when his Excellency, starting +up, and interrupting his ghostly adviser at the very beginning of his +sentence, said, "Egad, l'Abbe, you are right--it IS my son, and a mighty +smart-looking creature with him. Hey! Mr. What's-your-name--Tom, you +rogue, don't you know your own father?" And so saying, and cocking his +beaver on one side, Monsieur de Galgenstein strutted jauntily after Mr. +Billings and the lady. + +It was the first time that the Count had formally recognised his son. + +"Tom, you rogue," stopped at this, and the Count came up. He had a white +velvet suit, covered over with stars and orders, a neat modest wig and +bag, and peach-coloured silk-stockings with silver clasps. The lady +in the mask gave a start as his Excellency came forward. "Law, mother, +don't squeege so," said Tom. The poor woman was trembling in every limb, +but she had presence of mind to "squeege" Tom a great deal harder; and +the latter took the hint, I suppose, and was silent. + +The splendid Count came up. Ye gods, how his embroidery glittered in the +lamps! What a royal exhalation of musk and bergamot came from his wig, +his handkerchief, and his grand lace ruffles and frills! A broad yellow +riband passed across his breast, and ended at his hip in a shining +diamond cross--a diamond cross, and a diamond sword-hilt! Was anything +ever seen so beautiful? And might not a poor woman tremble when such +a noble creature drew near to her, and deigned, from the height of his +rank and splendour, to look down upon her? As Jove came down to Semele +in state, in his habits of ceremony, with all the grand cordons of his +orders blazing about his imperial person--thus dazzling, magnificent, +triumphant, the great Galgenstein descended towards Mrs. Catherine. +Her cheeks glowed red-hot under her coy velvet mask, her heart thumped +against the whalebone prison of her stays. What a delicious storm of +vanity was raging in her bosom! What a rush of long-pent recollections +burst forth at the sound of that enchanting voice! + +As you wind up a hundred-guinea chronometer with a twopenny +watch-key--as by means of a dirty wooden plug you set all the waters of +Versailles a-raging, and splashing, and storming--in like manner, and by +like humble agents, were Mrs. Catherine's tumultuous passions set going. +The Count, we have said, slipped up to his son, and merely saying, "How +do, Tom?" cut the young gentleman altogether, and passing round to the +lady's side, said, "Madam, 'tis a charming evening--egad it is!" She +almost fainted: it was the old voice. There he was, after seventeen +years, once more at her side! + +Now I know what I could have done. I can turn out a quotation from +Sophocles (by looking to the index) as well as another: I can throw off +a bit of fine writing too, with passion, similes, and a moral at the +end. What, pray, is the last sentence but one but the very finest +writing? Suppose, for example, I had made Maximilian, as he stood by the +side of Catherine, look up towards the clouds, and exclaim, in the words +of the voluptuous Cornelius Nepos, + + 'Aenaoi nephelai + 'Arthoomen phanerai + Droseran phusin euageetoi, k.t.l. [*] + + * Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. + +Or suppose, again, I had said, in a style still more popular:-- + +The Count advanced towards the maiden. They both were mute for a +while; and only the beating of her heart interrupted that thrilling and +passionate silence. Ah, what years of buried joys and fears, hopes and +disappointments, arose from their graves in the far past, and in those +brief moments flitted before the united ones! How sad was that delicious +retrospect, and oh, how sweet! The tears that rolled down the cheek of +each were bubbles from the choked and moss-grown wells of youth; the +sigh that heaved each bosom had some lurking odours in it--memories of +the fragrance of boyhood, echoes of the hymns of the young heart! Thus +is it ever--for these blessed recollections the soul always has a place; +and while crime perishes, and sorrow is forgotten, the beautiful alone +is eternal. + +"O golden legends, written in the skies!" mused De Galgenstein, "ye +shine as ye did in the olden days! WE change, but YE speak ever the same +language. Gazing in your abysmal depths, the feeble ratioci--" + + ***** + +There, now, are six columns[*] of the best writing to be found in this +or any other book. Galgenstein has quoted Euripides thrice, Plato once, +Lycophron nine times, besides extracts from the Latin syntax and the +minor Greek poets. Catherine's passionate embreathings are of the most +fashionable order; and I call upon the ingenious critic of the X---- +newspaper to say whether they do not possess the real impress of the +giants of the olden time--the real Platonic smack, in a word? Not that I +want in the least to show off; but it is as well, every now and then, to +show the public what one CAN do. + + (* There WERE six columns, as mentioned by the accurate Mr. + Solomons; but we have withdrawn two pages and three- + quarters, because, although our correspondent has been + excessively eloquent, according to custom, we were anxious + to come to the facts of the story. + + Mr. Solomons, by sending to our office, may have the + cancelled passages.--O.Y.) + +Instead, however, of all this rant and nonsense, how much finer is the +speech that the Count really did make! "It is a very fine evening,--egad +it is!" The "egad" did the whole business: Mrs. Cat was as much in love +with him now as ever she had been; and, gathering up all her energies, +she said, "It is dreadful hot too, I think;" and with this she made a +curtsey. + +"Stifling, split me!" added his Excellency. "What do you say, madam, to +a rest in an arbour, and a drink of something cool?" + +"Sir!" said the lady, drawing back. + +"Oh, a drink--a drink by all means," exclaimed Mr. Billings, who was +troubled with a perpetual thirst. "Come, mo--, Mrs. Jones, I mean. +you're fond of a glass of cold punch, you know; and the rum here is +prime, I can tell you." + +The lady in the mask consented with some difficulty to the proposal of +Mr. Billings, and was led by the two gentlemen into an arbour, where she +was seated between them; and some wax-candles being lighted, punch was +brought. + +She drank one or two glasses very eagerly, and so did her two +companions; although it was evident to see, from the flushed looks of +both of them, that they had little need of any such stimulus. The Count, +in the midst of his champagne, it must be said, had been amazingly +stricken and scandalised by the appearance of such a youth as Billings +in a public place with a lady under his arm. He was, the reader will +therefore understand, in the moral stage of liquor; and when he issued +out, it was not merely with the intention of examining Mr. Billings's +female companion, but of administering to him some sound correction for +venturing, at his early period of life, to form any such acquaintances. +On joining Billings, his Excellency's first step was naturally to +examine the lady. After they had been sitting for a while over their +punch, he bethought him of his original purpose, and began to address a +number of moral remarks to his son. + +We have already given some specimens of Monsieur de Galgenstein's sober +conversation; and it is hardly necessary to trouble the reader with any +further reports of his speeches. They were intolerably stupid and dull; +as egotistical as his morning lecture had been, and a hundred times +more rambling and prosy. If Cat had been in the possession of her sober +senses, she would have seen in five minutes that her ancient lover was a +ninny, and have left him with scorn; but she was under the charm of old +recollections, and the sound of that silly voice was to her magical. +As for Mr. Billings, he allowed his Excellency to continue his prattle; +only frowning, yawning, cursing occasionally, but drinking continually. + +So the Count descanted at length upon the enormity of young Billings's +early liaisons; and then he told his own, in the year four, with a +burgomaster's daughter at Ratisbon, when he was in the Elector of +Bavaria's service--then, after Blenheim, when he had come over to the +Duke of Marlborough, when a physician's wife at Bonn poisoned herself +for him, etc. etc.; of a piece with the story of the canoness, which has +been recorded before. All the tales were true. A clever, ugly man every +now and then is successful with the ladies; but a handsome fool is +irresistible. Mrs. Cat listened and listened. Good heavens! she +had heard all these tales before, and recollected the place and the +time--how she was hemming a handkerchief for Max; who came round and +kissed her, vowing that the physician's wife was nothing compared +to her--how he was tired, and lying on the sofa, just come home from +shooting. How handsome he looked! Cat thought he was only the handsomer +now; and looked more grave and thoughtful, the dear fellow! + +The garden was filled with a vast deal of company of all kinds, and +parties were passing every moment before the arbour where our trio sat. +About half-an-hour after his Excellency had quitted his own box and +party, the Rev. Mr. O'Flaherty came discreetly round, to examine the +proceedings of his diplomatical chef. The lady in the mask was listening +with all her might; Mr. Billings was drawing figures on the table with +punch; and the Count talking incessantly. The Father Confessor listened +for a moment; and then, with something resembling an oath, walked away +to the entry of the gardens, where his Excellency's gilt coach, with +three footmen, was waiting to carry him back to London. "Get me a chair, +Joseph," said his Reverence, who infinitely preferred a seat gratis in +the coach. "That fool," muttered he, "will not move for this hour." The +reverend gentleman knew that, when the Count was on the subject of the +physician's wife, his discourses were intolerably long; and took upon +himself, therefore, to disappear, along with the rest of the Count's +party; who procured other conveyances, and returned to their homes. + +After this quiet shadow had passed before the Count's box, many groups +of persons passed and repassed; and among them was no other than Mrs. +Polly Briggs, to whom we have been already introduced. Mrs. Polly was +in company with one or two other ladies, and leaning on the arm of a +gentleman with large shoulders and calves, a fierce cock to his hat, +and a shabby genteel air. His name was Mr. Moffat, and his present +occupation was that of doorkeeper at a gambling-house in Covent Garden; +where, though he saw many thousands pass daily under his eyes, his own +salary amounted to no more than four-and-sixpence weekly,--a sum quite +insufficient to maintain him in the rank which he held. + +Mr. Moffat had, however, received some funds--amounting indeed, to a +matter of twelve guineas--within the last month, and was treating Mrs. +Briggs very generously to the concert. It may be as well to say that +every one of the twelve guineas had come out of Mrs. Polly's own pocket; +who, in return, had received them from Mr. Billings. And as the reader +may remember that, on the day of Tommy's first interview with his +father, he had previously paid a visit to Mrs. Briggs, having under +his arm a pair of breeches, which Mrs. Briggs coveted--he should now be +informed that she desired these breeches, not for pincushions, but for +Mr. Moffat, who had long been in want of a pair. + +Having thus episodically narrated Mr. Moffat's history, let us state +that he, his lady, and their friends, passed before the Count's arbour, +joining in a melodious chorus to a song which one of the society, an +actor of Betterton's, was singing: + + "'Tis my will, when I'm dead, that no tear shall be shed, + No 'Hic jacet' be graved on my stone; + But pour o'er my ashes a bottle of red, + And say a good fellow is gone, + My brave boys! + And say a good fellow is gone." + +"My brave boys" was given with vast emphasis by the party; Mr. Moffat +growling it in a rich bass, and Mrs. Briggs in a soaring treble. As to +the notes, when quavering up to the skies, they excited various emotions +among the people in the gardens. "Silence them blackguards!" shouted a +barber, who was taking a pint of small beer along with his lady. "Stop +that there infernal screeching!" said a couple of ladies, who were +sipping ratafia in company with two pretty fellows. + +"Dang it, it's Polly!" said Mr. Tom Billings, bolting out of the box, +and rushing towards the sweet-voiced Mrs. Briggs. When he reached her, +which he did quickly, and made his arrival known by tipping Mrs. Briggs +slightly on the waist, and suddenly bouncing down before her and her +friend, both of the latter drew back somewhat startled. + +"Law, Mr. Billings!" says Mrs. Polly, rather coolly, "is it you? Who +thought of seeing you here?" + +"Who's this here young feller?" says towering Mr. Moffat, with his bass +voice. + +"It's Mr. Billings, cousin, a friend of mine," said Mrs. Polly, +beseechingly. + +"Oh, cousin, if it's a friend of yours, he should know better how to +conduct himself, that's all. Har you a dancing-master, young feller, +that you cut them there capers before gentlemen?" growled Mr. Moffat; +who hated Mr. Billings, for the excellent reason that he lived upon him. + +"Dancing-master be hanged!" said Mr. Billings, with becoming spirit: "if +you call me dancing-master, I'll pull your nose." + +"What!" roared Mr. Moffat, "pull my nose? MY NOSE! I'll tell you what, +my lad, if you durst move me, I'll cut your throat, curse me!" + +"Oh, Moffy--cousin, I mean--'tis a shame to treat the poor boy so. Go +away, Tommy; do go away; my cousin's in liquor," whimpered Madam Briggs, +who really thought that the great doorkeeper would put his threat into +execution. + +"Tommy!" said Mr. Moffat, frowning horribly; "Tommy to me too? Dog, +get out of my ssss---" SIGHT was the word which Mr. Moffat intended to +utter; but he was interrupted; for, to the astonishment of his friends +and himself, Mr. Billings did actually make a spring at the monster's +nose, and caught it so firmly, that the latter could not finish his +sentence. + +The operation was performed with amazing celerity; and, having concluded +it, Mr. Billings sprang back, and whisked from out its sheath that new +silver-hilted sword which his mamma had given him. "Now," said he, with +a fierce kind of calmness, "now for the throat-cutting, cousin: I'm your +man!" + +How the brawl might have ended, no one can say, had the two gentlemen +actually crossed swords; but Mrs. Polly, with a wonderful presence of +mind, restored peace by exclaiming, "Hush, hush! the beaks, the beaks!" +Upon which, with one common instinct, the whole party made a rush for +the garden gates, and disappeared into the fields. Mrs. Briggs knew her +company: there was something in the very name of a constable which sent +them all a-flying. + +After running a reasonable time, Mr. Billings stopped. But the great +Moffat was nowhere to be seen, and Polly Briggs had likewise vanished. +Then Tom bethought him that he would go back to his mother; but, +arriving at the gate of the gardens, was refused admittance, as he had +not a shilling in his pocket. "I've left," says Tommy, giving himself +the airs of a gentleman, "some friends in the gardens. I'm with his +Excellency the Bavarian henvy." + +"Then you had better go away with him," said the gate people. + +"But I tell you I left him there, in the grand circle, with a lady; and, +what's more, in the dark walk, I have left a silver-hilted sword." + +"Oh, my Lord, I'll go and tell him then," cried one of the porters, "if +you will wait." + +Mr. Billings seated himself on a post near the gate, and there consented +to remain until the return of his messenger. The latter went straight +to the dark walk, and found the sword, sure enough. But, instead of +returning it to its owner this discourteous knight broke the trenchant +blade at the hilt; and flinging the steel away, pocketed the baser +silver metal, and lurked off by the private door consecrated to the +waiters and fiddlers. + +In the meantime, Mr. Billings waited and waited. And what was the +conversation of his worthy parents inside the garden? I cannot say; but +one of the waiters declared that he had served the great foreign Count +with two bowls of rack-punch, and some biscuits, in No. 3: that in the +box with him were first a young gentleman, who went away, and a lady, +splendidly dressed and masked: that when the lady and his Lordship were +alone, she edged away to the further end of the table, and they had much +talk: that at last, when his Grace had pressed her very much, she took +off her mask and said, "Don't you know me now, Max?" that he cried out, +"My own Catherine, thou art more beautiful than ever!" and wanted to +kneel down and vow eternal love to her; but she begged him not to do so +in a place where all the world would see: that then his Highness paid, +and they left the gardens, the lady putting on her mask again. + +When they issued from the gardens, "Ho! Joseph la Rose, my coach!" +shouted his Excellency, in rather a husky voice; and the men who had +been waiting came up with the carriage. A young gentleman, who was +dosing on one of the posts at the entry, woke up suddenly at the blaze +of the torches and the noise of the footmen. The Count gave his arm to +the lady in the mask, who slipped in; and he was whispering La Rose, +when the lad who had been sleeping hit his Excellency on the shoulder, +and said, "I say, Count, you can give ME a cast home too," and jumped +into the coach. + +When Catherine saw her son, she threw herself into his arms, and kissed +him with a burst of hysterical tears; of which Mr. Billings was at a +loss to understand the meaning. The Count joined them, looking not a +little disconcerted; and the pair were landed at their own door, where +stood Mr. Hayes, in his nightcap, ready to receive them, and astounded +at the splendour of the equipage in which his wife returned to him. + + + +CHAPTER XI. OF SOME DOMESTIC QUARRELS, AND THE CONSEQUENCE THEREOF. + + +An ingenious magazine-writer, who lived in the time of Mr. Brock and the +Duke of Marlborough, compared the latter gentleman's conduct in battle, +when he + + "In peaceful thought the field of death surveyed, + To fainting squadrons lent the timely aid; + Inspired repulsed battalions to engage, + And taught the doubtful battle where to rage"-- + +Mr. Joseph Addison, I say, compared the Duke of Marlborough to an angel, +who is sent by Divine command to chastise a guilty people-- + + "And pleased his Master's orders to perform, + Rides on the whirlwind, and directs the storm." + +The first four of these novel lines touch off the Duke's disposition +and genius to a tittle. He had a love for such scenes of strife: in the +midst of them his spirit rose calm and supreme, soaring (like an +angel or not, but anyway the compliment is a very pretty one) on the +battle-clouds majestic, and causing to ebb or to flow the mighty tide of +war. + +But as this famous simile might apply with equal propriety--to a bad +angel as to a good one, it may in like manner be employed to illustrate +small quarrels as well as great--a little family squabble, in which two +or three people are engaged, as well as a vast national dispute, argued +on each side by the roaring throats of five hundred angry cannon. The +poet means, in fact, that the Duke of Marlborough had an immense genius +for mischief. + +Our friend Brock, or Wood (whose actions we love to illustrate by the +very handsomest similes), possessed this genius in common with his +Grace; and was never so happy, or seen to so much advantage, as when he +was employed in setting people by the ears. His spirits, usually dull, +then rose into the utmost gaiety and good-humour. When the doubtful +battle flagged, he by his art would instantly restore it. When, for +instance, Tom's repulsed battalions of rhetoric fled from his mamma's +fire, a few words of apt sneer or encouragement on Wood's part would +bring the fight round again; or when Mr. Hayes's fainting squadrons of +abuse broke upon the stubborn squares of Tom's bristling obstinacy, it +was Wood's delight to rally the former, and bring him once more to the +charge. A great share had this man in making those bad people worse. +Many fierce words and bad passions, many falsehoods and knaveries on +Tom's part, much bitterness, scorn, and jealousy on the part of Hayes +and Catherine, might be attributed to this hoary old tempter, whose +joy and occupation it was to raise and direct the domestic storms and +whirlwinds of the family of which he was a member. And do not let us be +accused of an undue propensity to use sounding words, because we compare +three scoundrels in the Tyburn Road to so many armies, and Mr. Wood to +a mighty field-marshal. My dear sir, when you have well studied the +world--how supremely great the meanest thing in this world is, and how +infinitely mean the greatest--I am mistaken if you do not make a strange +and proper jumble of the sublime and the ridiculous, the lofty and the +low. I have looked at the world, for my part, and come to the conclusion +that I know not which is which. + +Well, then, on the night when Mrs Hayes, as recorded by us, had been to +the Marylebone Gardens, Mr. Wood had found the sincerest enjoyment in +plying her husband with drink; so that, when Catherine arrived at home, +Mr. Hayes came forward to meet her in a manner which showed he was not +only surly, but drunk. Tom stepped out of the coach first; and Hayes +asked him, with an oath, where he had been? The oath Mr. Billings +sternly flung back again (with another in its company), and at the same +time refused to give his stepfather any sort of answer to his query. + +"The old man is drunk, mother," said he to Mrs. Hayes, as he handed that +lady out of the coach (before leaving which she had to withdraw her hand +rather violently from the grasp of the Count, who was inside). Hayes +instantly showed the correctness of his surmise by slamming the door +courageously in Tom's face, when he attempted to enter the house with +his mother. And when Mrs. Catherine remonstrated, according to her wont, +in a very angry and supercilious tone, Mr. Hayes replied with equal +haughtiness, and a regular quarrel ensued. + +People were accustomed in those days to use much more simple and +expressive terms of language than are now thought polite; and it would +be dangerous to give, in this present year 1840, the exact words of +reproach which passed between Hayes and his wife in 1726. Mr. Wood sat +near, laughing his sides out. Mr. Hayes swore that his wife should not +go abroad to tea-gardens in search of vile Popish noblemen; to which +Mrs. Hayes replied, that Mr. Hayes was a pitiful, lying, sneaking cur, +and that she would go where she pleased. Mr. Hayes rejoined that if she +said much more he would take a stick to her. Mr. Wood whispered, "And +serve her right." Mrs. Hayes thereupon swore she had stood his cowardly +blows once or twice before, but that if ever he did so again, as sure as +she was born, she would stab him. Mr. Wood said, "Curse me, but I like +her spirit." + +Mr. Hayes took another line of argument, and said, "The neighbours would +talk, madam." + +"Ay, that they will, no doubt," said Mr. Wood. + +"Then let them," said Catherine. "What do we care about the neighbours? +Didn't the neighbours talk when you sent Widow Wilkins to gaol? Didn't +the neighbours talk when you levied on poor old Thomson? You didn't mind +THEN, Mr. Hayes." + +"Business, ma'am, is business; and if I did distrain on Thomson, and +lock up Wilkins, I think you knew about it as much as I." + +"I'faith, I believe you're a pair," said Mr. Wood. + +"Pray, sir, keep your tongue to yourself. Your opinion isn't asked +anyhow--no, nor your company wanted neither," cried Mrs. Catherine, with +proper spirit. + +At which remark Mr. Wood only whistled. + +"I have asked this here gentleman to pass this evening along with me. +We've been drinking together, ma'am." + +"That we have", said Mr. Wood, looking at Mrs. Cat with the most perfect +good-humour. + +"I say, ma'am, that we've been a-drinking together; and when we've been +a-drinking together, I say that a man is my friend. Doctor Wood is my +friend, madam--the Reverend Doctor Wood. We've passed the evening in +company, talking about politics, madam--politics and riddle-iddle-igion. +We've not been flaunting in tea-gardens, and ogling the men." + +"It's a lie!" shrieked Mrs. Hayes. "I went with Tom--you know I did: the +boy wouldn't let me rest till I promised to go." + +"Hang him, I hate him," said Mr. Hayes: "he's always in my way." + +"He's the only friend I have in the world, and the only being I care a +pin for," said Catherine. + +"He's an impudent idle good-for-nothing scoundrel, and I hope to see him +hanged!" shouted Mr. Hayes. "And pray, madam, whose carriage was that as +you came home in? I warrant you paid something for the ride--ha, ha!" + +"Another lie!" screamed Cat, and clutched hold of a supper-knife. "Say +it again, John Hayes, and, by ------ I'll do for you." + +"Do for me? Hang me," said Mr. Hayes, flourishing a stick, and perfectly +pot-valiant, "do you think I care for a bastard and a--?" + +He did not finish the sentence, for the woman ran at him like a savage, +knife in hand. He bounded back, flinging his arms about wildly, and +struck her with his staff sharply across the forehead. The woman went +down instantly. A lucky blow was it for Hayes and her: it saved him from +death, perhaps, and her from murder. + +All this scene--a very important one of our drama--might have been +described at much greater length; but, in truth, the author has a +natural horror of dwelling too long upon such hideous spectacles: nor +would the reader be much edified by a full and accurate knowledge of +what took place. The quarrel, however, though not more violent than many +that had previously taken place between Hayes and his wife, was about to +cause vast changes in the condition of this unhappy pair. + +Hayes was at the first moment of his victory very much alarmed; +he feared that he had killed the woman; and Wood started up rather +anxiously too, with the same fancy. But she soon began to recover. Water +was brought; her head was raised and bound up; and in a short time +Mrs. Catherine gave vent to a copious fit of tears, which relieved her +somewhat. These did not affect Hayes much--they rather pleased him, for +he saw he had got the better; and although Cat fiercely turned upon him +when he made some small attempt towards reconciliation, he did not heed +her anger, but smiled and winked in a self-satisfied way at Wood. The +coward was quite proud of his victory; and finding Catherine asleep, or +apparently so, when he followed her to bed, speedily gave himself up to +slumber too, and had some pleasant dreams to his portion. + +Mr. Wood also went sniggering and happy upstairs to his chamber. The +quarrel had been a real treat to him; it excited the old man--tickled +him into good-humour; and he promised himself a rare continuation of +the fun when Tom should be made acquainted with the circumstances of +the dispute. As for his Excellency the Count, the ride from Marylebone +Gardens, and a tender squeeze of the hand, which Catherine permitted +to him on parting, had so inflamed the passions of the nobleman, that, +after sleeping for nine hours, and taking his chocolate as usual the +next morning, he actually delayed to read the newspaper, and kept +waiting a toy-shop lady from Cornhill (with the sweetest bargain of +Mechlin lace), in order to discourse to his chaplain on the charms of +Mrs. Hayes. + +She, poor thing, never closed her lids, except when she would have had +Mr. Hayes imagine that she slumbered; but lay beside him, tossing and +tumbling, with hot eyes wide open and heart thumping, and pulse of a +hundred and ten, and heard the heavy hours tolling; and at last the day +came peering, haggard, through the window-curtains, and found her still +wakeful and wretched. + +Mrs. Hayes had never been, as we have seen, especially fond of her +lord; but now, as the day made visible to her the sleeping figure and +countenance of that gentleman, she looked at him with a contempt and +loathing such as she had never felt even in all the years of her wedded +life. Mr. Hayes was snoring profoundly: by his bedside, on his ledger, +stood a large greasy tin candlestick, containing a lank tallow-candle, +turned down in the shaft; and in the lower part, his keys, purse, and +tobacco-pipe; his feet were huddled up in his greasy threadbare clothes; +his head and half his sallow face muffled up in a red woollen nightcap; +his beard was of several days' growth; his mouth was wide open, and he +was snoring profoundly: on a more despicable little creature the sun +never shone. And to this sordid wretch was Catherine united for ever. +What a pretty rascal history might be read in yonder greasy day-book, +which never left the miser!--he never read in any other. Of what a +treasure were yonder keys and purse the keepers! not a shilling they +guarded but was picked from the pocket of necessity, plundered from +needy wantonness, or pitilessly squeezed from starvation. "A fool, a +miser, and a coward! Why was I bound to this wretch?" thought Catherine: +"I, who am high-spirited and beautiful (did not HE tell me so?); I +who, born a beggar, have raised myself to competence, and might have +mounted--who knows whither?--if cursed Fortune had not baulked me!" + +As Mrs. Cat did not utter these sentiments, but only thought them, we +have a right to clothe her thoughts in the genteelest possible language; +and, to the best of our power, have done so. If the reader examines +Mrs. Hayes's train of reasoning, he will not, we should think, fail +to perceive how ingeniously she managed to fix all the wrong upon her +husband, and yet to twist out some consolatory arguments for her +own vanity. This perverse argumentation we have all of us, no doubt, +employed in our time. How often have we,--we poets, politicians, +philosophers, family-men,--found charming excuses for our own +rascalities in the monstrous wickedness of the world about us; how +loudly have we abused the times and our neighbours! All this devil's +logic did Mrs. Catherine, lying wakeful in her bed on the night of the +Marylebone fete, exert in gloomy triumph. + +It must, however, be confessed, that nothing could be more just than +Mrs. Hayes's sense of her husband's scoundrelism and meanness; for if +we have not proved these in the course of this history, we have proved +nothing. Mrs. Cat had a shrewd observing mind; and if she wanted for +proofs against Hayes, she had but to look before and about her to find +them. This amiable pair were lying in a large walnut-bed, with faded +silk furniture, which had been taken from under a respectable old +invalid widow, who had become security for a prodigal son; the room was +hung round with an antique tapestry (representing Rebecca at the Well, +Bathsheba Bathing, Judith and Holofernes, and other subjects from Holy +Writ), which had been many score times sold for fifty pounds, and bought +back by Mr. Hayes for two, in those accommodating bargains which he made +with young gentlemen, who received fifty pounds of money and fifty of +tapestry in consideration of their hundred-pound bills. Against this +tapestry, and just cutting off Holofernes's head, stood an enormous +ominous black clock, the spoil of some other usurious transaction. Some +chairs, and a dismal old black cabinet, completed the furniture of this +apartment: it wanted but a ghost to render its gloom complete. + +Mrs. Hayes sat up in the bed sternly regarding her husband. There is, +be sure, a strong magnetic influence in wakeful eyes so examining a +sleeping person (do not you, as a boy, remember waking of bright summer +mornings and finding your mother looking over you? had not the gaze of +her tender eyes stolen into your senses long before you woke, and cast +over your slumbering spirit a sweet spell of peace, and love, and fresh +springing joy?) Some such influence had Catherine's looks upon her +husband: for, as he slept under them, the man began to writhe about +uneasily, and to burrow his head in the pillow, and to utter quick, +strange moans and cries, such as have often jarred one's ear while +watching at the bed of the feverish sleeper. It was just upon six, and +presently the clock began to utter those dismal grinding sounds, which +issue from clocks at such periods, and which sound like the death-rattle +of the departing hour. Then the bell struck the knell of it; and with +this Mr. Hayes awoke, and looked up, and saw Catherine gazing at him. + +Their eyes met for an instant, and Catherine turned away, burning red, +and looking as if she had been caught in the commission of a crime. + +A kind of blank terror seized upon old Hayes's soul: a horrible icy +fear, and presentiment of coming evil; and yet the woman had but looked +at him. He thought rapidly over the occurrences of the last night, the +quarrel, and the end of it. He had often struck her before when angry, +and heaped all kinds of bitter words upon her; but, in the morning, she +bore no malice, and the previous quarrel was forgotten, or, at least, +passed over. Why should the last night's dispute not have the same end? +Hayes calculated all this, and tried to smile. + +"I hope we're friends, Cat?" said he. "You know I was in liquor last +night, and sadly put out by the loss of that fifty pound. They'll ruin +me, dear--I know they will." + +Mrs. Hayes did not answer. + +"I should like to see the country again, dear," said he, in his most +wheedling way. "I've a mind, do you know, to call in all our money? It's +you who've made every farthing of it, that's sure; and it's a matter of +two thousand pound by this time. Suppose we go into Warwickshire, Cat, +and buy a farm, and live genteel. Shouldn't you like to live a lady in +your own county again? How they'd stare at Birmingham! hey, Cat?" + +And with this Mr. Hayes made a motion as if he would seize his wife's +hand, but she flung his back again. + +"Coward!" said she, "you want liquor to give you courage, and then +you've only heart enough to strike women." + +"It was only in self-defence, my dear," said Hayes, whose courage had +all gone. "You tried, you know, to--to--" + +"To STAB you, and I wish I had!" said Mrs. Hayes, setting her teeth, and +glaring at him like a demon; and so saying she sprung out of bed. There +was a great stain of blood on her pillow. "Look at it," said she. "That +blood's of your shedding!" and at this Hayes fairly began to weep, so +utterly downcast and frightened was the miserable man. The wretch's +tears only inspired his wife with a still greater rage and loathing; she +cared not so much for the blow, but she hated the man: the man to +whom she was tied for ever--for ever! The bar between her and wealth, +happiness, love, rank perhaps. "If I were free," thought Mrs. Hayes +(the thought had been sitting at her pillow all night, and whispering +ceaselessly into her ear)--, "If I were free, Max would marry me; I know +he would:--he said so yesterday!" + + ***** + +As if by a kind of intuition, old Wood seemed to read all this woman's +thoughts; for he said that day with a sneer, that he would wager she was +thinking how much better it would be to be a Count's lady than a poor +miser's wife. "And faith," said he, "a Count and a chariot-and-six is +better than an old skinflint with a cudgel." And then he asked her if +her head was better, and supposed that she was used to beating; and cut +sundry other jokes, which made the poor wretch's wounds of mind and body +feel a thousand times sorer. + +Tom, too, was made acquainted with the dispute, and swore his accustomed +vengeance against his stepfather. Such feelings, Wood, with a dexterous +malice, would never let rest; it was his joy, at first quite a +disinterested one, to goad Catherine and to frighten Hayes: though, in +truth, that unfortunate creature had no occasion for incitements from +without to keep up the dreadful state of terror and depression into +which he had fallen. + +For, from the morning after the quarrel, the horrible words and looks +of Catherine never left Hayes's memory; but a cold fear followed +him--a dreadful prescience. He strove to overcome this fate as a coward +would--to kneel to it for compassion--to coax and wheedle it into +forgiveness. He was slavishly gentle to Catherine, and bore her fierce +taunts with mean resignation. He trembled before young Billings, who was +now established in the house (his mother said, to protect her against +the violence of her husband), and suffered his brutal language and +conduct without venturing to resist. + +The young man and his mother lorded over the house: Hayes hardly dared +to speak in their presence; seldom sat with the family except at meals; +but slipped away to his chamber (he slept apart now from his wife) or +passed the evening at the public-house, where he was constrained to +drink--to spend some of his beloved sixpences for drink! + +And, of course, the neighbours began to say, "John Hayes neglects +his wife." "He tyrannises over her, and beats her." "Always at the +public-house, leaving an honest woman alone at home!" + +The unfortunate wretch did NOT hate his wife. He was used to her--fond +of her as much as he could be fond--sighed to be friends with her +again--repeatedly would creep, whimpering, to Wood's room, when the +latter was alone, and begged him to bring about a reconciliation. They +WERE reconciled, as much as ever they could be. The woman looked at him, +thought what she might be but for him, and scorned and loathed him with +a feeling that almost amounted to insanity. What nights she lay awake, +weeping, and cursing herself and him! His humility and beseeching looks +only made him more despicable and hateful to her. + +If Hayes did not hate the mother, however, he hated the boy--hated and +feared him dreadfully. He would have poisoned him if he had had the +courage; but he dared not: he dared not even look at him as he sat +there, the master of the house, in insolent triumph. O God! how the +lad's brutal laughter rung in Hayes's ears; and how the stare of his +fierce bold black eyes pursued him! Of a truth, if Mr. Wood loved +mischief, as he did, honestly and purely for mischief's sake, he had +enough here. There was mean malice, and fierce scorn, and black revenge, +and sinful desire, boiling up in the hearts of these wretched people, +enough to content Mr. Wood's great master himself. + +Hayes's business, as we have said, was nominally that of a carpenter; +but since, for the last few years, he had added to it that of a lender +of money, the carpenter's trade had been neglected altogether for one so +much more profitable. Mrs. Hayes had exerted herself, with much +benefit to her husband, in his usurious business. She was a resolute, +clear-sighted, keen woman, that did not love money, but loved to be rich +and push her way in the world. She would have nothing to do with the +trade now, however, and told her husband to manage it himself. She felt +that she was separated from him for ever, and could no more be brought +to consider her interests as connected with his own. + +The man was well fitted for the creeping and niggling of his dastardly +trade; and gathered his moneys, and busied himself with his lawyer, and +acted as his own bookkeeper and clerk, not without satisfaction. His +wife's speculations, when they worked in concert, used often to frighten +him. He never sent out his capital without a pang, and only because he +dared not question her superior judgment and will. He began now to lend +no more: he could not let the money out of his sight. His sole pleasure +was to creep up into his room, and count and recount it. When Billings +came into the house, Hayes had taken a room next to that of Wood. It was +a protection to him; for Wood would often rebuke the lad for using Hayes +ill: and both Catherine and Tom treated the old man with deference. + +At last--it was after he had collected a good deal of his money--Hayes +began to reason with himself, "Why should I stay?--stay to be insulted +by that boy, or murdered by him? He is ready for any crime." He +determined to fly. He would send Catherine money every year. No--she had +the furniture; let her let lodgings--that would support her. He would +go, and live away, abroad in some cheap place--away from that boy and +his horrible threats. The idea of freedom was agreeable to the poor +wretch; and he began to wind up his affairs as quickly as he could. + +Hayes would now allow no one to make his bed or enter his room; and +Wood could hear him through the panels fidgeting perpetually to and fro, +opening and shutting of chests, and clinking of coin. At the least sound +he would start up, and would go to Billings's door and listen. Wood used +to hear him creeping through the passages, and returning stealthily to +his own chamber. + +One day the woman and her son had been angrily taunting him in the +presence of a neighbour. The neighbour retired soon; and Hayes, who had +gone with him to the door, heard, on returning, the voice of Wood in the +parlour. The old man laughed in his usual saturnine way, and said, "Have +a care, Mrs. Cat; for if Hayes were to die suddenly, by the laws, the +neighbours would accuse thee of his death." + +Hayes started as if he had been shot. "He too is in the plot," thought +he. "They are all leagued against me: they WILL kill me: they are only +biding their time." Fear seized him, and he thought of flying that +instant and leaving all; and he stole into his room and gathered his +money together. But only a half of it was there: in a few weeks all +would have come in. He had not the heart to go. But that night Wood +heard Hayes pause at HIS door, before he went to listen at Mrs. +Catherine's. "What is the man thinking of?" said Wood. "He is gathering +his money together. Has he a hoard yonder unknown to us all?" + +Wood thought he would watch him. There was a closet between the two +rooms: Wood bored a hole in the panel, and peeped through. Hayes had a +brace of pistols, and four or five little bags before him on the table. +One of these he opened, and placed, one by one, five-and-twenty guineas +into it. Such a sum had been due that day--Catherine spoke of it only in +the morning; for the debtor's name had by chance been mentioned in the +conversation. Hayes commonly kept but a few guineas in the house. For +what was he amassing all these? The next day, Wood asked for change +for a twenty-pound bill. Hayes said he had but three guineas. And, when +asked by Catherine where the money was that was paid the day before, +said that it was at the banker's. "The man is going to fly," said Wood; +"that is sure: if he does, I know him--he will leave his wife without a +shilling." + +He watched him for several days regularly: two or three more bags were +added to the former number. "They are pretty things, guineas," thought +Wood, "and tell no tales, like bank-bills." And he thought over the days +when he and Macshane used to ride abroad in search of them. + +I don't know what thoughts entered into Mr. Wood's brain; but the next +day, after seeing young Billings, to whom he actually made a present of +a guinea, that young man, in conversing with his mother, said, "Do you +know, mother, that if you were free, and married the Count, I should be +a lord? It's the German law, Mr. Wood says; and you know he was in them +countries with Marlborough." + +"Ay, that he would," said Mr. Wood, "in Germany: but Germany isn't +England; and it's no use talking of such things." + +"Hush, child!" said Mrs. Hayes, quite eagerly: "how can _I_ marry the +Count? Besides, a'n't I married, and isn't he too great a lord for me?" + +"Too great a lord?--not a whit, mother. If it wasn't for Hayes, I might +be a lord now. He gave me five guineas only last week; but curse the +skinflint who never will part with a shilling." + +"It's not so bad as his striking your mother, Tom. I had my stick up, +and was ready to fell him t'other night," added Mr. Wood. And herewith +he smiled, and looked steadily in Mrs. Catherine's face. She dared not +look again; but she felt that the old man knew a secret that she had +been trying to hide from herself. Fool! he knew it; and Hayes knew it +dimly: and never, never, since that day of the gala, had it left her, +sleeping or waking. When Hayes, in his fear, had proposed to sleep away +from her, she started with joy: she had been afraid that she might talk +in her sleep, and so let slip her horrible confession. + +Old Wood knew all her history since the period of the Marylebone fete. +He had wormed it out of her, day by day; he had counselled her how to +act; warned her not to yield; to procure, at least, a certain provision +for her son, and a handsome settlement for herself, if she determined +on quitting her husband. The old man looked on the business in a proper +philosophical light, told her bluntly that he saw she was bent upon +going off with the Count, and bade her take precautions: else she might +be left as she had been before. + +Catherine denied all these charges; but she saw the Count daily, +notwithstanding, and took all the measures which Wood had recommended to +her. They were very prudent ones. Galgenstein grew hourly more in love: +never had he felt such a flame; not in the best days of his youth; not +for the fairest princess, countess, or actress, from Vienna to Paris. + +At length--it was the night after he had seen Hayes counting his +money-bags--old Wood spoke to Mrs. Hayes very seriously. "That husband +of yours, Cat," said he, "meditates some treason; ay, and fancies we are +about such. He listens nightly at your door and at mine: he is going to +leave you, be sure on't; and if he leaves you, he leaves you to starve." + +"I can be rich elsewhere," said Mrs. Cat. + +"What, with Max?" + +"Ay, with Max: and why not?" said Mrs. Hayes. + +"Why not, fool! Do you recollect Birmingham? Do you think that +Galgenstein, who is so tender now because he HASN'T won you, will be +faithful because he HAS? Psha, woman, men are not made so! Don't go to +him until you are sure: if you were a widow now, he would marry you; but +never leave yourself at his mercy: if you were to leave your husband to +go to him, he would desert you in a fortnight!" + +She might have been a Countess! she knew she might, but for this cursed +barrier between her and her fortune. Wood knew what she was thinking of, +and smiled grimly. + +"Besides," he continued, "remember Tom. As sure as you leave Hayes +without some security from Max, the boy's ruined: he who might be a +lord, if his mother had but--Psha! never mind: that boy will go on +the road, as sure as my name's Wood. He's a Turpin cock in his eye, my +dear,--a regular Tyburn look. He knows too many of that sort already; +and is too fond of a bottle and a girl to resist and be honest when it +comes to the pinch." + +"It's all true," said Mrs. Hayes. "Tom's a high mettlesome fellow, and +would no more mind a ride on Hounslow Heath than he does a walk now in +the Mall." + +"Do you want him hanged, my dear?" said Wood. + +"Ah, Doctor!" + +"It IS a pity, and that's sure," concluded Mr. Wood, knocking the ashes +out of his pipe, and closing this interesting conversation. "It is a +pity that that old skinflint should be in the way of both your fortunes; +and he about to fling you over, too!" + +Mrs. Catherine retired musing, as Mr. Billings had previously done; a +sweet smile of contentment lighted up the venerable features of Doctor +Wood, and he walked abroad into the streets as happy a fellow as any in +London. + + + +CHAPTER XII. TREATS OF LOVE, AND PREPARES FOR DEATH. + + +And to begin this chapter, we cannot do better than quote a part of +a letter from M. l'Abbe O'Flaherty to Madame la Comtesse de X-----at +Paris: + +"MADAM,--The little Arouet de Voltaire, who hath come 'hither to take a +turn in England,' as I see by the Post of this morning, hath brought me +a charming pacquet from your Ladyship's hands, which ought to render a +reasonable man happy; but, alas! makes your slave miserable. I think of +dear Paris (and something more dear than all Paris, of which, Madam, +I may not venture to speak further)--I think of dear Paris, and find +myself in this dismal Vitehall, where, when the fog clears up, I can +catch a glimpse of muddy Thames, and of that fatal palace which the +kings of England have been obliged to exchange for your noble castle of +Saint Germains, that stands so stately by silver Seine. Truly, no bad +bargain. For my part, I would give my grand ambassadorial saloons, +hangings, gildings, feasts, valets, ambassadors and all, for a bicoque +in sight of the Thuilleries' towers, or my little cell in the Irlandois. + +"My last sheets have given you a pretty notion of our ambassador's +public doings; now for a pretty piece of private scandal respecting +that great man. Figure to yourself, Madam, his Excellency is in love; +actually in love, talking day and night about a certain fair one whom he +hath picked out of a gutter; who is well nigh forty years old; who was +his mistress when he was in England a captain of dragoons, some sixty, +seventy, or a hundred years since; who hath had a son by him, moreover, +a sprightly lad, apprentice to a tailor of eminence that has the honour +of making his Excellency's breeches. + +"Since one fatal night when he met this fair creature at a certain place +of publique resort, called Marylebone Gardens, our Cyrus hath been an +altered creature. Love hath mastered this brainless ambassador, and his +antics afford me food for perpetual mirth. He sits now opposite to me at +a table inditing a letter to his Catherine, and copying it from--what do +you think?--from the 'Grand Cyrus.' 'I swear, madam, that my happiness +would be to offer you this hand, as I have my heart long ago, and I beg +you to bear in mind this declaration.' I have just dictated to him the +above tender words; for our Envoy, I need not tell you, is not strong at +writing or thinking. + +"The fair Catherine, I must tell you, is no less than a carpenter's +wife, a well-to-do bourgeois, living at the Tyburn, or Gallows Road. +She found out her ancient lover very soon after our arrival, and hath a +marvellous hankering to be a Count's lady. A pretty little creature is +this Madam Catherine. Billets, breakfasts, pretty walks, presents of +silks and satins, pass daily between the pair; but, strange to say, +the lady is as virtuous as Diana, and hath resisted all my Count's +cajoleries hitherto. The poor fellow told me, with tears in his eyes, +that he believed he should have carried her by storm on the very first +night of their meeting, but that her son stepped into the way; and he or +somebody else hath been in the way ever since. Madam will never appear +alone. I believe it is this wondrous chastity of the lady that has +elicited this wondrous constancy of the gentleman. She is holding out +for a settlement; who knows if not for a marriage? Her husband, she +says, is ailing; her lover is fool enough, and she herself conducts +her negotiations, as I must honestly own, with a pretty notion of +diplomacy." + + ***** + +This is the only part of the reverend gentleman's letter that directly +affects this history. The rest contains some scandal concerning greater +personages about the Court, a great share of abuse of the Elector +of Hanover, and a pretty description of a boxing-match at Mr. Figg's +amphitheatre in Oxford Road, where John Wells, of Edmund Bury (as by the +papers may be seen), master of the noble science of self-defence, did +engage with Edward Sutton, of Gravesend, master of the said science; and +the issue of the combat. + +"N. B."--adds the Father, in a postscript--"Monsieur Figue gives a +hat to be cudgelled for before the Master mount; and the whole of +this fashionable information hath been given me by Monseigneur's son, +Monsieur Billings, garcon-tailleur, Chevalier de Galgenstein." + +Mr. Billings was, in fact, a frequent visitor at the Ambassador's house; +to whose presence he, by a general order, was always admitted. As for +the connection between Mrs. Catherine and her former admirer, the +Abbe's history of it is perfectly correct; nor can it be said that this +wretched woman, whose tale now begins to wear a darker hue, was, in +anything but SOUL, faithless to her husband. But she hated him, longed +to leave him, and loved another: the end was coming quickly, and every +one of our unknowing actors and actresses were to be implicated, more or +less, in the catastrophe. + +It will be seen that Mrs. Cat had followed pretty closely the +injunctions of Mr. Wood in regard to her dealings with the Count; who +grew more heart-stricken and tender daily, as the completion of his +wishes was delayed, and his desires goaded by contradiction. The Abbe +has quoted one portion of a letter written by him; here is the entire +performance, extracted, as the holy father said, chiefly from the +romance of the "Grand Cyrus". + + "Unhappy Maximilian unto unjust Catherina. + +"MADAM,--It must needs be that I love you better than any ever did, +since, notwithstanding your injustice in calling me perfidious, I +love you no less than I did before. On the contrary, my passion is so +violent, and your unjust accusation makes me so sensible of it, that +if you did but know the resentments of my soule, you would confess your +selfe the most cruell and unjust woman in the world. You shall, ere +long, Madam, see me at your feete; and as you were my first passion, so +you will be my last. + +"On my knees I will tell you, at the first handsom opportunity, that +the grandure of my passion can only be equalled by your beauty; it hath +driven me to such a fatall necessity, as that I cannot hide the misery +which you have caused. Sure, the hostil goddes have, to plague me, +ordayned that fatal marridge, by which you are bound to one so infinitly +below you in degree. Were that bond of ill-omind Hymen cut in twayn +witch binds you, I swear, Madam, that my happiniss woulde be to offer +you this hande, as I have my harte long agoe. And I praye you to beare +in minde this declaracion, which I here sign with my hande, and witch I +pray you may one day be called upon to prove the truth on. Beleave +me, Madam, that there is none in the World who doth more honor to your +vertue than myselfe, nor who wishes your happinesse with more zeal +than--MAXIMILIAN. + +"From my lodgings in Whitehall, this 25th of February. + +"To the incomparable Catherina, these, with a scarlet satten petticoat." + +The Count had debated about the sentence promising marriage in event +of Hayes's death; but the honest Abbe cut these scruples very short, by +saying, justly, that, because he wrote in that manner, there was no need +for him to act so; that he had better not sign and address the note in +full; and that he presumed his Excellency was not quite so timid as to +fancy that the woman would follow him all the way to Germany, when his +diplomatic duties would be ended; as they would soon. + +The receipt of this billet caused such a flush of joy and exultation to +unhappy happy Mrs. Catherine, that Wood did not fail to remark it, and +speedily learned the contents of the letter. Wood had no need to bid the +poor wretch guard it very carefully: it never from that day forth left +her; it was her title of nobility,--her pass to rank, wealth, happiness. +She began to look down on her neighbours; her manner to her husband grew +more than ordinarily scornful; the poor vain wretch longed to tell her +secret, and to take her place openly in the world. She a Countess, and +Tom a Count's son! She felt that she should royally become the title! + +About this time--and Hayes was very much frightened at the prevalence +of the rumour--it suddenly began to be about in his quarter that he was +going to quit the country. The story was in everybody's mouth; people +used to sneer when he turned pale, and wept, and passionately denied it. + +It was said, too, that Mrs. Hayes was not his wife, but his +mistress--everybody had this story--his mistress, whom he treated most +cruelly, and was about to desert. The tale of the blow which had felled +her to the ground was known in all quarters. When he declared that the +woman tried to stab him, nobody believed him: the women said he would +have been served right if she had done so. How had these stories gone +abroad? "Three days more, and I WILL fly," thought Hayes; "and the world +may say what it pleases." + +Ay, fool, fly--away so swiftly that Fate cannot overtake thee: hide so +cunningly that Death shall not find thy place of refuge! + + + +CHAPTER XIII. BEING A PREPARATION FOR THE END. + + +The reader, doubtless, doth now partly understand what dark acts of +conspiracy are beginning to gather around Mr. Hayes; and possibly hath +comprehended-- + +1. That if the rumour was universally credited which declared that Mrs. +Catherine was only Hayes's mistress, and not his wife, + +She might, if she so inclined, marry another person; and thereby +not injure her fame and excite wonderment, but actually add to her +reputation. + +2. That if all the world did steadfastly believe that Mr. Hayes intended +to desert this woman, after having cruelly maltreated her, + +The direction which his journey might take would be of no consequence; +and he might go to Highgate, to Edinburgh, to Constantinople, nay, down +a well, and no soul would care to ask whither he had gone. + +These points Mr. Hayes had not considered duly. The latter case had been +put to him, and annoyed him, as we have seen; the former had actually +been pressed upon him by Mrs. Hayes herself; who, in almost the only +communication she had had with him since their last quarrel, had asked +him, angrily, in the presence of Wood and her son, whether he had dared +to utter such lies, and how it came to pass that the neighbours looked +scornfully at her, and avoided her? + +To this charge Mr. Hayes pleaded, very meekly, that he was not guilty; +and young Billings, taking him by the collar, and clinching his fist in +his face, swore a dreadful oath that he would have the life of him if +he dared abuse his mother. Mrs. Hayes then spoke of the general report +abroad, that he was going to desert her; which, if he attempted to do, +Mr. Billings vowed that he would follow him to Jerusalem and have his +blood. These threats, and the insolent language of young Billings, +rather calmed Hayes than agitated him: he longed to be on his journey; +but he began to hope that no obstacle would be placed in the way of +it. For the first time since many days, he began to enjoy a feeling +something akin to security, and could look with tolerable confidence +towards a comfortable completion of his own schemes of treason. + +These points being duly settled, we are now arrived, O public, at a +point for which the author's soul hath been yearning ever since this +history commenced. We are now come, O critic, to a stage of the work +when this tale begins to assume an appearance so interestingly horrific, +that you must have a heart of stone if you are not interested by it. +O candid and discerning reader, who art sick of the hideous scenes of +brutal bloodshed which have of late come forth from pens of certain +eminent wits,[*] if you turn away disgusted from the book, remember that +this passage hath not been written for you, or such as you, who have +taste to know and hate the style in which it hath been composed; but +for the public, which hath no such taste:--for the public, which can +patronise four different representations of Jack Sheppard,--for the +public whom its literary providers have gorged with blood and foul +Newgate garbage,--and to whom we poor creatures, humbly following at +the tail of our great high-priests and prophets of the press, may, as in +duty bound, offer some small gift of our own: a little mite truly, +but given with good-will. Come up, then, fair Catherine and brave +Count;--appear, gallant Brock, and faultless Billings;--hasten hither, +honest John Hayes: the former chapters are but flowers in which we have +been decking you for the sacrifice. Ascend to the altar, ye innocent +lambs, and prepare for the final act: lo! the knife is sharpened, and +the sacrificer ready! Stretch your throats, sweet ones,--for the public +is thirsty, and must have blood! + + * This was written in 1840. + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST. + + +That Mr. Hayes had some notion of the attachment of Monsieur de +Galgenstein for his wife is very certain: the man could not but perceive +that she was more gaily dressed, and more frequently absent than usual; +and must have been quite aware that from the day of the quarrel until +the present period, Catherine had never asked him for a shilling for the +house expenses. He had not the heart to offer, however; nor, in truth, +did she seem to remember that money was due. + +She received, in fact, many sums from the tender Count. Tom was likewise +liberally provided by the same personage; who was, moreover, continually +sending presents of various kinds to the person on whom his affections +were centred. + +One of these gifts was a hamper of choice mountain-wine, which had been +some weeks in the house, and excited the longing of Mr. Hayes, who loved +wine very much. This liquor was generally drunk by Wood and Billings, +who applauded it greatly; and many times, in passing through the +back-parlour,--which he had to traverse in order to reach the stair, +Hayes had cast a tender eye towards the drink; of which, had he dared, +he would have partaken. + +On the 1st of March, in the year 1726, Mr. Hayes had gathered together +almost the whole sum with which he intended to decamp; and having on +that very day recovered the amount of a bill which he thought almost +hopeless, he returned home in tolerable good-humour; and feeling, so +near was his period of departure, something like security. Nobody had +attempted the least violence on him: besides, he was armed with pistols, +had his money in bills in a belt about his person, and really reasoned +with himself that there was no danger for him to apprehend. + +He entered the house about dusk, at five o'clock. Mrs. Hayes was absent +with Mr. Billings; only Mr. Wood was smoking, according to his wont, +in the little back-parlour; and as Mr. Hayes passed, the old gentleman +addressed him in a friendly voice, and, wondering that he had been such +a stranger, invited him to sit and take a glass of wine. There was a +light and a foreman in the shop; Mr. Hayes gave his injunctions to that +person, and saw no objection to Mr. Wood's invitation. + +The conversation, at first a little stiff between the two gentlemen, +began speedily to grow more easy and confidential: and so particularly +bland and good-humoured was Mr., or Doctor Wood, that his companion +was quite caught, and softened by the charm of his manner; and the pair +became as good friends as in the former days of their intercourse. + +"I wish you would come down sometimes of evenings," quoth Doctor Wood; +"for, though no book-learned man, Mr. Hayes, look you, you are a man +of the world, and I can't abide the society of boys. There's Tom, now, +since this tiff with Mrs. Cat, the scoundrel plays the Grank Turk here! +The pair of 'em, betwixt them, have completely gotten the upper hand of +you. Confess that you are beaten, Master Hayes, and don't like the boy?" + +"No more I do," said Hayes; "and that's the truth on't. A man doth not +like to have his wife's sins flung in his face, nor to be perpetually +bullied in his own house by such a fiery sprig as that." + +"Mischief, sir,--mischief only," said Wood: "'tis the fun of youth, sir, +and will go off as age comes to the lad. Bad as you may think him--and +he is as skittish and fierce, sure enough, as a young colt---there is +good stuff in him; and though he hath, or fancies he hath, the right to +abuse every one, by the Lord he will let none others do so! Last week, +now, didn't he tell Mrs. Cat that you served her right in the last +beating matter? and weren't they coming to knives, just as in your case? +By my faith, they were. Ay, and at the "Braund's Head," when some fellow +said that you were a bloody Bluebeard, and would murder your wife, +stab me if Tom wasn't up in an instant and knocked the fellow down for +abusing of you!" + +The first of these stories was quite true; the second was only a +charitable invention of Mr. Wood, and employed, doubtless, for the +amiable purpose of bringing the old and young men together. The scheme +partially succeeded; for, though Hayes was not so far mollified towards +Tom as to entertain any affection for a young man whom he had cordially +detested ever since he knew him, yet he felt more at ease and cheerful +regarding himself: and surely not without reason. While indulging in +these benevolent sentiments, Mrs. Catherine and her son arrived, +and found, somewhat to their astonishment, Mr. Hayes seated in the +back-parlour, as in former times; and they were invited by Mr. Wood to +sit down and drink. + +We have said that certain bottles of mountain-wine were presented by the +Count to Mrs. Catherine: these were, at Mr. Wood's suggestion, produced; +and Hayes, who had long been coveting them, was charmed to have an +opportunity to drink his fill. He forthwith began bragging of his +great powers as a drinker, and vowed that he could manage eight bottles +without becoming intoxicated. + +Mr. Wood grinned strangely, and looked in a peculiar way at Tom +Billings, who grinned too. Mrs. Cat's eyes were turned towards the +ground: but her face was deadly pale. + +The party began drinking. Hayes kept up his reputation as a toper, and +swallowed one, two, three bottles without wincing. He grew talkative and +merry, and began to sing songs and to cut jokes; at which Wood laughed +hugely, and Billings after him. Mrs. Cat could not laugh; but sat +silent. + +What ailed her? Was she thinking of the Count? She had been with Max +that day, and had promised him, for the next night at ten, an interview +near his lodgings at Whitehall. It was the first time that she would +see him alone. They were to meet (not a very cheerful place for a +love-tryst) at St. Margaret's churchyard, near Westminster Abbey. Of +this, no doubt, Cat was thinking; but what could she mean by whispering +to Wood, "No, no! for God's sake, not tonight!" + +"She means we are to have no more liquor," said Wood to Mr. Hayes; who +heard this sentence, and seemed rather alarmed. + +"That's it,--no more liquor," said Catherine eagerly; "you have had +enough to-night. Go to bed, and lock your door, and sleep, Mr. Hayes." + +"But I say I've NOT had enough drink!" screamed Hayes; "I'm good for +five bottles more, and wager I will drink them too." + +"Done, for a guinea!" said Wood. + +"Done, and done!" said Billings. + +"Be YOU quiet!" growled Hayes, scowling at the lad. "I will drink what +I please, and ask no counsel of yours." And he muttered some more curses +against young Billings, which showed what his feelings were towards his +wife's son; and which the latter, for a wonder, only received with a +scornful smile, and a knowing look at Wood. + +Well! the five extra bottles were brought, and drunk by Mr. Hayes; +and seasoned by many songs from the recueil of Mr. Thomas d'Urfey and +others. The chief part of the talk and merriment was on Hayes's part; +as, indeed, was natural,--for, while he drank bottle after bottle of +wine, the other two gentlemen confined themselves to small beer,--both +pleading illness as an excuse for their sobriety. + +And now might we depict, with much accuracy, the course of Mr. Hayes's +intoxication, as it rose from the merriment of the three-bottle point +to the madness of the four--from the uproarious quarrelsomeness of the +sixth bottle to the sickly stupidity of the seventh; but we are +desirous of bringing this tale to a conclusion, and must pretermit +all consideration of a subject so curious, so instructive, and so +delightful. Suffice it to say, as a matter of history, that Mr. Hayes +did actually drink seven bottles of mountain-wine; and that Mr. Thomas +Billings went to the "Braund's Head," in Bond Street, and purchased +another, which Hayes likewise drank. + +"That'll do," said Mr. Wood to young Billings; and they led Hayes up to +bed, whither, in truth, he was unable to walk himself. + + ***** + +Mrs. Springatt, the lodger, came down to ask what the noise was. "'Tis +only Tom Billings making merry with some friends from the country," +answered Mrs. Hayes; whereupon Springatt retired, and the house was +quiet. + + ***** + +Some scuffling and stamping was heard about eleven o'clock. + + ***** + +After they had seen Mr. Hayes to bed, Billings remembered that he had a +parcel to carry to some person in the neighbourhood of the Strand; +and, as the night was remarkably fine, he and Mr. Wood agreed to walk +together, and set forth accordingly. + +(Here follows a description of the THAMES AT MIDNIGHT, in a fine +historical style; with an account of Lambeth, Westminster, the Savoy, +Baynard's Castle, Arundel House, the Temple; of Old London Bridge, +with its twenty arches, "on which be houses builded, so that it seemeth +rather a continuall street than a bridge;"--of Bankside, and the "Globe" +and the "Fortune" Theatres; of the ferries across the river, and of the +pirates who infest the same--namely, tinklermen, petermen, hebbermen, +trawlermen; of the fleet of barges that lay at the Savoy steps; and of +the long lines of slim wherries sleeping on the river banks and basking +and shining in the moonbeams. A combat on the river is described, +that takes place between the crews of a tinklerman's boat and the +water-bailiffs. Shouting his war-cry, "St. Mary Overy a la rescousse!" +the water-bailiff sprung at the throat of the tinklerman captain. The +crews of both vessels, as if aware that the struggle of their chiefs +would decide the contest, ceased hostilities, and awaited on their +respective poops the issue of the death-shock. It was not long +coming. "Yield, dog!" said the water-bailiff. The tinklerman could not +answer--for his throat was grasped too tight in the iron clench of the +city champion; but drawing his snickersnee, he plunged it seven times in +the bailiff's chest: still the latter fell not. The death-rattle gurgled +in the throat of his opponent; his arms fell heavily to his side. +Foot to foot, each standing at the side of his boat, stood the brave +men--THEY WERE BOTH DEAD! "In the name of St. Clement Danes," said the +master, "give way, my men!" and, thrusting forward his halberd (seven +feet long, richly decorated with velvet and brass nails, and having +the city arms, argent, a cross gules, and in the first quarter a dagger +displayed of the second), he thrust the tinklerman's boat away from his +own; and at once the bodies of the captains plunged down, down, down, +down in the unfathomable waters. + +After this follows another episode. Two masked ladies quarrel at the +door of a tavern overlooking the Thames: they turn out to be Stella and +Vanessa, who have followed Swift thither; who is in the act of reading +"Gulliver's Travels" to Gay, Arbuthnot, Bolingbroke, and Pope. Two +fellows are sitting shuddering under a doorway; to one of them Tom +Billings flung a sixpence. He little knew that the names of those two +young men were--Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage.) + + + + +ANOTHER LAST CHAPTER. + + +Mr. Hayes did not join the family the next day; and it appears that +the previous night's reconciliation was not very durable; for when Mrs. +Springatt asked Wood for Hayes, Mr. Wood stated that Hayes had gone away +without saying whither he was bound, or how long he might be absent. +He only said, in rather a sulky tone, that he should probably pass the +night at a friend's house. "For my part, I know of no friend he hath," +added Mr. Wood; "and pray Heaven that he may not think of deserting his +poor wife, whom he hath beaten and ill-used so already!" In this prayer +Mrs. Springatt joined; and so these two worthy people parted. + +What business Billings was about cannot be said; but he was this night +bound towards Marylebone Fields, as he was the night before for the +Strand and Westminster; and, although the night was very stormy and +rainy, as the previous evening had been fine, old Wood good-naturedly +resolved upon accompanying him; and forth they sallied together. + +Mrs. Catherine, too, had HER business, as we have seen; but this was of +a very delicate nature. At nine o'clock, she had an appointment with +the Count; and faithfully, by that hour, had found her way to Saint +Margaret's churchyard, near Westminster Abbey, where she awaited +Monsieur de Galgenstein. + +The spot was convenient, being very lonely, and at the same time close +to the Count's lodgings at Whitehall. His Excellency came, but somewhat +after the hour; for, to say the truth, being a freethinker, he had +the most firm belief in ghosts and demons, and did not care to pace +a churchyard alone. He was comforted, therefore, when he saw a woman +muffled in a cloak, who held out her hand to him at the gate, and said, +"Is that you?" He took her hand,--it was very clammy and cold; and at +her desire he bade his confidential footman, who had attended him with a +torch, to retire, and leave him to himself. + +The torch-bearer retired, and left them quite in darkness; and the pair +entered the little cemetery, cautiously threading their way among the +tombs. They sat down on one, underneath a tree it seemed to be; the wind +was very cold, and its piteous howling was the only noise that broke +the silence of the place. Catherine's teeth were chattering, for all her +wraps; and when Max drew her close to him, and encircled her waist with +one arm, and pressed her hand, she did not repulse him, but rather +came close to him, and with her own damp fingers feebly returned his +pressure. + +The poor thing was very wretched and weeping. She confided to Max the +cause of her grief. She was alone in the world,--alone and penniless. +Her husband had left her; she had that very day received a letter from +him which confirmed all that she had suspected so long. He had left her, +carried away all his property, and would not return! + +If we say that a selfish joy filled the breast of Monsieur de +Galgenstein, the reader will not be astonished. A heartless libertine, +he felt glad at the prospect of Catherine's ruin; for he hoped that +necessity would make her his own. He clasped the poor thing to his +heart, and vowed that he would replace the husband she had lost, and +that his fortune should be hers. + +"Will you replace him?" said she. + +"Yes, truly, in everything but the name, dear Catherine; and when he +dies, I swear you shall be Countess of Galgenstein." + +"Will you swear?" she cried, eagerly. + +"By everything that is most sacred: were you free now, I would" (and +here he swore a terrific oath) "at once make you mine." + +We have seen before that it cost Monsieur de Galgenstein nothing to +make these vows. Hayes was likely, too, to live as long as Catherine--as +long, at least, as the Count's connection with her; but he was caught in +his own snare. + +She took his hand and kissed it repeatedly, and bathed it in her tears, +and pressed it to her bosom. "Max," she said, "I AM FREE! Be mine, and I +will love you as I have done for years and years." + +Max started back. "What, is he dead?" he said. + +"No, no, not dead: but he never was my husband." + +He let go her hand, and, interrupting her, said sharply, "Indeed, madam, +if this carpenter never was your husband, I see no cause why _I_ +should be. If a lady, who hath been for twenty years the mistress of a +miserable country boor, cannot find it in her heart to put up with the +protection of a nobleman--a sovereign's representative--she may seek a +husband elsewhere!" + +"I was no man's mistress except yours," sobbed Catherine, wringing her +hands and sobbing wildly; "but, O Heaven! I deserved this. Because I was +a child, and you saw, and ruined, and left me--because, in my sorrow and +repentance, I wished to repair my crime, and was touched by that man's +love, and married him--because he too deceives and leaves me--because, +after loving you--madly loving you for twenty years--I will not now +forfeit your respect, and degrade myself by yielding to your will, you +too must scorn me! It is too much--too much--O Heaven!" And the wretched +woman fell back almost fainting. + +Max was almost frightened by this burst of sorrow on her part, and was +coming forward to support her; but she motioned him away, and, taking +from her bosom a letter, said, "If it were light, you could see, Max, +how cruelly I have been betrayed by that man who called himself my +husband. Long before he married me, he was married to another. This +woman is still living, he says; and he says he leaves me for ever." + +At this moment the moon, which had been hidden behind Westminster Abbey, +rose above the vast black mass of that edifice, and poured a flood of +silver light upon the little church of St. Margaret's, and the spot +where the lovers stood. Max was at a little distance from Catherine, +pacing gloomily up and down the flags. She remained at her old position +at the tombstone under the tree, or pillar, as it seemed to be, as the +moon got up. She was leaning against the pillar, and holding out to Max, +with an arm beautifully white and rounded, the letter she had received +from her husband: "Read it, Max," she said: "I asked for light, and here +is Heaven's own, by which you may read." + +But Max did not come forward to receive it. On a sudden his face assumed +a look of the most dreadful surprise and agony. He stood still, and +stared with wild eyes starting from their sockets; he stared upwards, +at a point seemingly above Catherine's head. At last he raised up his +finger slowly and said, "Look, Cat--THE HEAD--THE HEAD!" Then uttering a +horrible laugh, he fell down grovelling among the stones, gibbering and +writhing in a fit of epilepsy. + +Catherine started forward and looked up. She had been standing against a +post, not a tree--the moon was shining full on it now; and on the summit +strangely distinct, and smiling ghastly, was a livid human head. + +The wretched woman fled--she dared look no more. And some hours +afterwards, when, alarmed by the Count's continued absence, his +confidential servant came back to seek for him in the churchyard, he was +found sitting on the flags, staring full at the head, and laughing, +and talking to it wildly, and nodding at it. He was taken up a hopeless +idiot, and so lived for years and years; clanking the chain, and moaning +under the lash, and howling through long nights when the moon peered +through the bars of his solitary cell, and he buried his face in the +straw. + + ***** + +There--the murder is out! And having indulged himself in a chapter of +the very finest writing, the author begs the attention of the British +public towards it; humbly conceiving that it possesses some of those +peculiar merits which have rendered the fine writing in other chapters +of the works of other authors so famous. + +Without bragging at all, let us just point out the chief claims of the +above pleasing piece of composition. In the first place, it is perfectly +stilted and unnatural; the dialogue and the sentiments being artfully +arranged, so as to be as strong and majestic as possible. Our dear Cat +is but a poor illiterate country wench, who has come from cutting her +husband's throat; and yet, see! she talks and looks like a tragedy +princess, who is suffering in the most virtuous blank verse. This is the +proper end of fiction, and one of the greatest triumphs that a novelist +can achieve: for to make people sympathise with virtue is a vulgar trick +that any common fellow can do; but it is not everybody who can take a +scoundrel, and cause us to weep and whimper over him as though he were +a very saint. Give a young lady of five years old a skein of silk and +a brace of netting-needles, and she will in a short time turn you out +a decent silk purse--anybody can; but try her with a sow's ear, and see +whether she can make a silk purse out of THAT. That is the work for your +real great artist; and pleasant it is to see how many have succeeded in +these latter days. + +The subject is strictly historical, as anyone may see by referring to +the Daily Post of March 3, 1726, which contains the following paragraph: + +"Yesterday morning, early, a man's head, that by the freshness of it +seemed to have been newly cut off from the body, having its own hair +on, was found by the river's side, near Millbank, Westminster, and was +afterwards exposed to public view in St. Margaret's churchyard, where +thousands of people have seen it; but none could tell who the unhappy +person was, much less who committed such a horrid and barbarous action. +There are various conjectures relating to the deceased; but there being +nothing certain, we omit them. The head was much hacked and mangled in +the cutting off." + +The head which caused such an impression upon Monsieur de Galgenstein +was, indeed, once on the shoulders of Mr. John Hayes, who lost it under +the following circumstances. We have seen how Mr. Hayes was induced +to drink. Mr. Hayes having been encouraged in drinking the wine, and +growing very merry therewith, he sang and danced about the room; but his +wife, fearing the quantity he had drunk would not have the wished-for +effect on him, she sent away for another bottle, of which he drank +also. This effectually answered their expectations; and Mr. Hayes became +thereby intoxicated, and deprived of his understanding. + +He, however, made shift to get into the other room, and, throwing +himself upon the bed, fell asleep; upon which Mrs. Hayes reminded them +of the affair in hand, and told them that was the most proper juncture +to finish the business. [*] + + ***** + + * The description of the murder and the execution of the + culprits, which here follows in the original, was taken from + the newspapers of the day. Coming from such a source they + have, as may be imagined, no literary merit whatever. The + details of the crime are simply horrible, without one touch + of even that sort of romance which sometimes gives a little + dignity to murder. As such they precisely suited Mr. + Thackeray's purpose at the time--which was to show the real + manners and customs of the Sheppards and Turpins who were + then the popular heroes of fiction. But nowadays there is + no such purpose to serve, and therefore these too literal + details are omitted. + + ***** + + +Ring, ding, ding! the gloomy green curtain drops, the dramatis personae +are duly disposed of, the nimble candle snuffers put out the lights, and +the audience goeth pondering home. If the critic take the pains to ask +why the author, who hath been so diffuse in describing the early and +fabulous acts of Mrs. Catherine's existence, should so hurry off the +catastrophe where a deal of the very finest writing might have been +employed, Solomons replies that the "ordinary" narrative is far +more emphatic than any composition of his own could be, with all the +rhetorical graces which he might employ. Mr. Aram's trial, as taken by +the penny-a-liners of those days, had always interested him more than +the lengthened and poetical report which an eminent novelist has given +of the same. Mr. Turpin's adventures are more instructive and agreeable +to him in the account of the Newgate Plutarch, than in the learned +Ainsworth's Biographical Dictionary. And as he believes that the +professional gentlemen who are employed to invest such heroes with the +rewards that their great actions merit, will go through the ceremony of +the grand cordon with much more accuracy and despatch than can be shown +by the most distinguished amateur; in like manner he thinks that the +history of such investitures should be written by people directly +concerned, and not by admiring persons without, who must be ignorant of +many of the secrets of Ketchcraft. We very much doubt if Milton himself +could make a description of an execution half so horrible as the simple +lines in the Daily Post of a hundred and ten years since, that now lies +before us--"herrlich wie am ersten Tag,"--as bright and clean as on +the day of publication. Think of it! it has been read by Belinda at her +toilet, scanned at "Button's" and "Will's," sneered at by wits, talked +of in palaces and cottages, by a busy race in wigs, red heels, hoops, +patches, and rags of all variety--a busy race that hath long since +plunged and vanished in the unfathomable gulf towards which we march so +briskly. + +Where are they? "Afflavit Deus"--and they are gone! Hark! is not the +same wind roaring still that shall sweep us down? and yonder stands the +compositor at his types who shall put up a pretty paragraph some day to +say how, "Yesterday, at his house in Grosvenor Square," or "At Botany +Bay, universally regretted," died So-and-So. Into what profound +moralities is the paragraph concerning Mrs. Catherine's burning leading +us! + +Ay, truly, and to that very point have we wished to come; for, having +finished our delectable meal, it behoves us to say a word or two by way +of grace at its conclusion, and be heartily thankful that it is over. It +has been the writer's object carefully to exclude from his drama (except +in two very insignificant instances--mere walking-gentlemen parts), any +characters but those of scoundrels of the very highest degree. That he +has not altogether failed in the object he had in view, is evident from +some newspaper critiques which he has had the good fortune to see; and +which abuse the tale of "Catherine" as one of the dullest, most vulgar, +and immoral works extant. It is highly gratifying to the author to find +that such opinions are abroad, as they convince him that the taste for +Newgate literature is on the wane, and that when the public critic has +right down undisguised immorality set before him, the honest creature is +shocked at it, as he should be, and can declare his indignation in good +round terms of abuse. The characters of the tale ARE immoral, and no +doubt of it; but the writer humbly hopes the end is not so. The public +was, in our notion, dosed and poisoned by the prevailing style of +literary practice, and it was necessary to administer some medicine +that would produce a wholesome nausea, and afterwards bring about a more +healthy habit. + +And, thank Heaven, this effect HAS been produced in very many instances, +and that the "Catherine" cathartic has acted most efficaciously. The +author has been pleased at the disgust which his work has excited, and +has watched with benevolent carefulness the wry faces that have been +made by many of the patients who have swallowed the dose. Solomons +remembers, at the establishment in Birchin Lane where he had the honour +of receiving his education, there used to be administered to the boys a +certain cough-medicine, which was so excessively agreeable that all the +lads longed to have colds in order to partake of the remedy. Some of our +popular novelists have compounded their drugs in a similar way, and +made them so palatable that a public, once healthy and honest, has been +well-nigh poisoned by their wares. Solomons defies anyone to say the +like of himself--that his doses have been as pleasant as champagne, and +his pills as sweet as barley-sugar;--it has been his attempt to make +vice to appear entirely vicious; and in those instances where he hath +occasionally introduced something like virtue, to make the sham as +evident as possible, and not allow the meanest capacity a single chance +to mistake it. + +And what has been the consequence? That wholesome nausea which it has +been his good fortune to create wherever he has been allowed to practise +in his humble circle. + +Has anyone thrown away a halfpennyworth of sympathy upon any person +mentioned in this history? Surely no. But abler and more famous men than +Solomons have taken a different plan; and it becomes every man in his +vocation to cry out against such, and expose their errors as best he +may. + +Labouring under such ideas, Mr. Isaac Solomons, junior, produced the +romance of Mrs. Cat, and confesses himself completely happy to have +brought it to a conclusion. His poem may be dull--ay, and probably +is. The great Blackmore, the great Dennis, the great Sprat, the great +Pomfret, not to mention great men of our own time--have they not also +been dull, and had pretty reputations too? Be it granted Solomons IS +dull; but don't attack his morality; he humbly submits that, in his +poem, no man shall mistake virtue for vice, no man shall allow a single +sentiment of pity or admiration to enter his bosom for any character of +the piece: it being, from beginning to end, a scene of unmixed rascality +performed by persons who never deviate into good feeling. And although +he doth not pretend to equal the great modern authors, whom he hath +mentioned, in wit or descriptive power; yet, in the point of moral, he +meekly believes that he has been their superior; feeling the greatest +disgust for the characters he describes, and using his humble endeavour +to cause the public also to hate them. + +Horsemonger Lane: January 1840. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Catherine: A Story, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CATHERINE: A STORY *** + +***** This file should be named 1969.txt or 1969.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/6/1969/ + +Produced by Les Bowler + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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