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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Noble Lord, by Percival Wilde
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Noble Lord
+       A Comedy in One Act
+
+Author: Percival Wilde
+
+Release Date: November 23, 2006 [EBook #19904]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE NOBLE LORD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by William Coon
+
+
+
+
+
+THE NOBLE LORD
+A Comedy In One Act
+
+By
+PERCIVAL WILDE
+
+The Noble Lord
+
+CHARACTERS
+HE.
+SHE.
+PETERS.
+
+THE NOBLE LORD
+
+_A secluded spot in the Maine woods in the neighborhood of a
+summer hotel. It is the middle of July. The trees are covered
+with foliage, a hot sun casts dancing shadows upon the mossy
+ground, and the air is full of the twittering of birds and the
+rustle of leaves. A winding path crosses from one side to the
+other, and near the center is a little clearing: the stump of a
+felled tree, with the lichen-covered trunk itself near it, and a
+patch of grassy turf. The eye cannot penetrate far through the
+riotously growing underbrush, but as one looks upwards, to the
+left, a thinning of foliage, allowing a glimpse of the sky, gives
+evidence of the near proximity of some small body of water._
+
+_As the curtain rises the scene is empty. There is only the song
+of birds, and the whisper of a gentle breeze. For a few seconds
+nothing else is heard. Then, suddenly, not far away, there is the
+sound of a splash, followed by the scream of a drowning woman,
+"Help! Help! Help!"  There is a tremendous crashing through the
+underbrush, and another voice, very masculine, very English,
+shouts, "Where are you? Where are you?" Rather indefinitely the
+first speaker answers, "Here! Help! Help!"  Another crashing
+through the underbrush, followed by a second splash, and
+presently, after a short pause, there enters upon the stage a
+tall, much bedraggled Englishman, bearing in his arms the
+motionless body of an extremely good-looking girl. Both of them
+are very wet, and a trail of water marks their progress across
+the scene. Reaching the clearing, the Englishman methodically
+deposits the girl on the ground, backs away a foot or so, and
+notices that his hands are wet. He reaches into a hip pocket and
+draws forth a handkerchief: the handkerchief is wetter than his
+hands. With a gesture of vexation he throws it away, and gives
+his attention to the girl. He looks at her quizzically; then,
+rather timidly, he kneels at her side, and lays his ear over her
+heart. He rises promptly with a satisfied nod, carefully removes
+his dripping coat, folds it neatly, and places it on the log.
+Again he kneels, this time with his knees on either side of the
+girl's head, and laboriously begins to apply the Sylvester
+method, counting audibly as he does so. At "ten" he stops
+wearily, pauses, and again applies his ear to her heart. The
+result is evidently pleasing, and after a few more Sylvester
+movements, he begins to vary the procedure by removing her shoes
+and alternately chafing her hands and feet. Presently she sighs
+deeply. For the third time he pauses to listen to her heart.
+Slowly and deliberately her left arm rises, to encircle his neck
+in a confiding clasp. He sits back on his haunches, politely
+surprised._
+
+SHE. (_Faintly_) Mother! Mother, dear!
+
+HE. Eh?
+
+SHE. Mother, dear, I'm so glad----
+
+HE. (_Interrupting energetically_) Really, I beg your pardon.
+
+SHE. (_Continuing without a break_) I'm so glad you've come.
+
+HE. Ah, yes. . . . Quite so.
+
+SHE. Kiss me, mother.
+
+HE. (_Trying to rise_) Eh?
+
+(_She does not release him._)
+
+SHE. Kiss me, mother.
+
+HE. But I'm not your mother.
+
+SHE. (_Plaintively_) Won't you kiss me, mother?
+
+HE. (_Looks around furtively. Then he obliges her._)
+
+SHE. Ah! That's so nice. (_She pauses. Shudders._) Hold me close,
+mother, hold me close. I've had such a terrible dream!
+
+HE. Good Heavens! You're not dreaming now. . . .
+
+SHE. I dreamt--I dreamt-- (_He has raised her to a sitting
+position. She stops abruptly. Looks about._) Where--where am I?
+
+HE. (_Surprised_) Don't you know?
+
+SHE. No.
+
+HE. (_In a matter-of-fact tone_) We are about half a mile away
+from the Poland Springs Hotel, Poland Springs, Maine.
+
+SHE. (_Vaguely_) Oh! (_She pauses._) And you, how do you come
+here?
+
+HE. Strolling.
+
+SHE. Strolling?
+
+HE. I reached the hotel this morning. It was hot--beastly hot. I
+went for a walk in the woods.
+
+SHE. And then?
+
+HE. I beg your pardon?
+
+SHE. What happened then? How did we meet?
+
+HE. Don't _you_ know?
+
+SHE. I remember nothing--I'm confused. (_She tries to get up, but
+sits on the log with a little exclamation._) My shoes--where are
+my shoes?
+
+HE. (_Fetching them_) Here they are.
+
+SHE. Thank you. . . . (_She looks at them._) Those aren't my
+shoes!
+
+HE. (_Politely_) No?
+
+SHE. They're wet.
+
+HE. (_Nodding_) They would be.
+
+SHE. But they're not mine.
+
+HE. (_Shrugging his shoulders_) I found them on your feet.
+
+SHE. (_Confused_) On my feet?
+
+HE. Yes. . . . (_An afterthought_) One on each.
+
+SHE. Oh! . . . (_She tries to put them on._) I can't get them on.
+
+HE. No?
+
+SHE. Will you help me? (_He assists her; she feels her clothes
+and exclaims_): Oh!
+
+HE. Did I hurt you?
+
+SHE. (_Astonished_) My clothes are wet!
+
+HE. (_Thoughtfully_) Yes.
+
+SHE. How funny! (_Noticing him._) And you--you're wet also!
+
+HE. (_Nodding_) Soaked.
+
+SHE. What a coincidence! How curious! How did it happen? (_She
+pauses._) Oh, if I could only think! Think! (_He rises, and waits
+politely._) Tell me: you must know.
+
+HE. Well, I was strolling through the woods. I heard a splash
+
+SHE. (_Interrupting_) A splash! Oh, don't say any more: I
+remember! That horrible lake! Horrible! It was so warm at the
+hotel: I had gone off to the woods. I was sitting at the edge of
+the lake--on a rock--reading. I must have been sleepy. I fell in.
+
+HE. Then you screamed.
+
+SHE. Yes: I was drowning! Drowning! I called for help!
+
+HE. I heard you.
+
+SHE. I sank--I sank, oh, miles and miles! It felt as if hands
+were trying to pull me down to the bottom! I screamed again--and
+then--then--I felt a strong arm around my waist--I was dizzy--
+there was a roaring in my ears--I knew no more.
+
+HE. (_Sympathetically_) Too bad, too bad.
+
+SHE. And you--(_rising to her feet enthusiastically_)--you were
+the man who jumped in!
+
+HE. (_Apologetically_) I was passing by.
+
+SHE. You saved my life! Oh, how can I ever thank you? My hero!
+(_She throws her arms about his neck._)
+
+HE. That's all right. . . .
+
+SHE. But it's not all right. I can never repay you! Never! Never!
+Not if I live to be a thousand years old! (_She kisses him._)
+
+HE. (_Calmly_) That's the second time.
+
+SHE. The second time?
+
+HE. (_Nodding_) I kissed you before.
+
+SHE. Oh! (_Releasing him quickly._) You didn't!
+
+HE. Yes, I did.
+
+SHE. While I was unconscious?
+
+HE. Precisely.
+
+SHE. Oh, how _could_ you do such a thing? How could you?
+
+HE. (_Taking up his coat_) It was by request. (_Takes cigarette
+case from pocket._)
+
+SHE. (_Incredulously_) I asked you?
+
+HE. You said, "Mother! Mother! Kiss me!" (_Takes cigarette from
+case. Pleased to see that it is dry. Puts it between his lips._)
+
+SHE. I said _that?_
+
+HE. They were your first words. (_Produces match-safe from
+trouser pocket._)
+
+SHE. But you didn't have to kiss me.
+
+HE. No? (_Trying to strike a match. It is wet. So are the
+others._)
+
+SHE. You didn't have to!
+
+HE. I tried to explain that I was not your mother, but you seemed
+to know better. (_He throws the cigarette away._) You insisted. I
+couldn't help it.
+
+SHE. (_After a pause, coquettishly_) What do you mean: you
+couldn't "help it"?
+
+HE. (_Perfectly willing to flirt_) You know--(_He hesitates._)
+
+SHE. (_Encouragingly_) Yes?
+
+HE. You're a pretty girl--a deucedly pretty girl.
+
+SHE. Oh, no!
+
+HE. But you are; honor bright!
+
+SHE. You really think so?
+
+HE. (_Nods_) There was no one around. It was the kind of an
+opportunity which does not present itself every day: life is so--
+monotonous. And you didn't seem to object.
+
+SHE. (_Coyly_) I couldn't very well--not while I was unconscious.
+
+HE. That's so. I am a man, with a man's tastes. And you begged me
+so hard--it was so inviting--well, I kissed you.
+
+SHE. (_After a pause_) On the lips?
+
+HE. Yes. On the lips.
+
+SHE. (_After a pause_) How often?
+
+HE. Eh?
+
+SHE. How often did you kiss me?
+
+HE. Only once.
+
+SHE. Was that all?
+
+HE. (_With a smile_) Why, it's hardly worth mentioning.
+
+SHE. (_Going to him and taking his hands magnanimously_) Well, I
+forgive you.
+
+HE. Thank you.
+
+SHE. (_Invitingly_) Two kisses is not a great deal for saving my
+life.
+
+HE. No?
+
+SHE. I owe you much more than that!
+
+HE. (_Standing motionless_) Really?
+
+SHE. (_With her lips half an inch from his_) Really! (_A pause._)
+Really! (_He does not kiss her. She gives it up. Sits on the log,
+drawing him to her side._) You must tell me all about yourself.
+Just think: if it hadn't been for you, I would be at the bottom
+of the lake now. What a horrible tragedy that would have been: to
+die in such a way! . . . (_She pauses._) It's natural that I
+should want to know something about the man who saved me from
+that. . . .
+
+HE. (_With embarrassment_) I don't like to talk about myself----
+
+SHE. (_Interrupting encouragingly_) You're still a young man,
+aren't you?
+
+HE. Thirty-one.
+
+SHE. (_Laying her hand on his_) Are you?
+
+HE. (_Nodding_) Last November.
+
+SHE. (_Lying with the insouciance of expertness_) I'm just
+twenty. (_He nods his head, without showing the least sign of
+disbelief._) Eleven years between us.
+
+HE. Just the right ages, aren't we?
+
+SHE. (_Leaving her hand where it is_) Do you think so?
+
+HE. Eleven years difference--ideal!
+
+SHE. Ten and a half.
+
+HE. Eh?
+
+SHE. I was born in June.
+
+HE. Oh, were you? (_Sagely._) That's better yet.
+
+SHE. Do you think so--Lord Brookfield?
+
+HE. (_Surprised--or simulating it effectively._) Eh?
+
+SHE. Lord Brookfield?
+
+HE. How on earth did you know it?
+
+SHE. (_With a laugh_) Oh, I am not so stupid as all that!
+
+HE. You recognized me?
+
+SHE. No. I have never seen you.
+
+HE. A photo?
+
+SHE. No.
+
+HE. Then how did you know? . . .
+
+SHE. (_Interrupting_) Lord Brookfield is a well-known man. The
+papers said he was coming to the hotel. I knew every other
+guest----
+
+HE. But three or four others arrived this morning.
+
+SHE. Americans.
+
+HE. Oh!
+
+SHE. You are English. I could see that right away.
+
+HE. (_After a pause_) How clever of you!
+
+SHE. Oh, Lord Brookfield!
+
+HE. And how curious that I should meet you in this way--informal,
+so to speak.
+
+SHE. (_Laughing_) Odd, wasn't it? (_She rises._) Ugh!--how my
+clothes are sticking to me!
+
+HE. That's so. You had better change.
+
+SHE. And you?
+
+HE. I'm rather wet myself.
+
+SHE. Will you take me back to the hotel?
+
+HE. The sun is very hot here.
+
+SHE. (_Instantly changing_) Oh, would you rather stay?
+
+HE. (_Does not answer for a few seconds. Then, a little
+abruptly_) Tell me: can you swim?
+
+SHE. (_Startled_) Eh?
+
+HE. Can you swim?
+
+SHE. Lord Brookfield! Of course I can't!
+
+HE. That's curious.
+
+SHE. Curious?
+
+HE. Neither can I.
+
+SHE. (_Staggered, but returning to the attack with magnificent
+self-possession_) Oh, but you swam splendidly! Clothes and all!
+All the way from the other side of the lake!
+
+HE. Did I?
+
+SHE. Of course you did! One plunge, and a few magnificent
+overhand strokes. . . . (_She notices his peculiar expression,
+and hesitates._)
+
+HE. (_Thoughtfully_) Plunge?
+
+SHE. Why, certainly.
+
+HE. (_Shaking his head_) I would have sworn I waded.
+
+SHE. (_Laughing uneasily_) You are really too modest, Lord
+Brookfield.
+
+HE. Let's see. (_He picks up his coat, and shakes it out._) Of
+course, I might have swum, but--Ah! the water line comes only as
+far as the waist!
+
+SHE. That means nothing.
+
+HE. No? (_Feeling his head._) If I had plunged, my hair would
+have been wet.
+
+SHE. It dried in the sun.
+
+HE. Ah, yes! But my cigarettes! (_Taking one from the case._)
+
+SHE. The case is waterproof.
+
+HE. Still, the matches are wet. (_Producing the box from his
+trouser pocket, and trying to strike one._) You see?
+
+SHE. (_With a forced laugh_) Lord Brookfield, don't deny that you
+saved my life!
+
+HE. That is what I am trying to do.
+
+SHE. (_Frigidly_) I beg your pardon?
+
+HE. I jumped in without thinking. It was the natural thing to do:
+I heard you scream for help. But the moment the water came to my
+waist I knew that if it went any deeper I should have to call for
+help also.
+
+SHE. Well?
+
+HE. I was spared that humiliation: the pond isn't over three feet
+deep in any place. And I waded the whole twenty feet from one end
+to the other. . . . And I _can't_ swim.
+
+SHE. But I was drowning! Drowning!
+
+HE. (_Politely_) Are you in the habit of drowning often?
+
+SHE. (_Rising indignantly_) Lord Brookfield!
+
+HE. I nearly forgot to mention----
+
+SHE. What?
+
+HE. That I saw you jump in.
+
+SHE. Oh!
+
+HE. It was pleasant while it lasted, wasn't it? And romantic!
+Why, romantic doesn't begin to describe it! (_Imitating_)
+"Mother, kiss me!"
+
+SHE. Oh, how can you?
+
+HE. Unconscious--helpless--and you didn't remember! Not even the
+shoes. That was clever--very clever! And the hands trying to pull
+you down to the bottom: that was the touch of genius! (_He pauses
+with a smile._) Ah, well, I was willing to have a little fun. (_A
+man is heard whistling a popular song in the distance. He listens
+attentively._)
+
+SHE. (_After a pause_) You played with me--played with me. Oh,
+you're disgusting! Revolting! What a thing for a _man_ to do! I
+thought---- (_She breaks off._)
+
+HE. (_Encouraging her to continue_) Yes?
+
+SHE. Nothing. . . . (_Then, seeing no reason to restrain
+herself._) I thought Lord Brookfield was a gentleman!
+
+HE. Oh, but _I'm_ not.
+
+SHE. Not a gentleman?
+
+HE. No. . . . I'm not Lord Brookfield.
+
+SHE. _Not_ Lord Brookfield?
+
+HE. No.
+
+SHE. Then who on earth are you?
+
+HE. (_Sweetly_) I? I'm a friend of his.
+
+SHE. A friend?
+
+HE. A close friend--very close.
+
+SHE. Who? Who?
+
+HE. (_Leisurely_) I'm not related, you know, but I see a lot of
+him. We're thick--very thick.
+
+SHE. (_un patiently_) Who are you?
+
+HE. (_Simply_) I'm his valet.
+
+SHE. (_Horrified_) Oh! . . . And you kissed me! A valet! You
+dared kiss me!
+
+HE. At your request.
+
+SHE. (_Almost choking with rage_) But a valet! A valet!
+
+HE. I'm a good valet. One of the best there is.
+
+SHE. Your insolence! Oh! (_She seizes the handkerchief which he
+has left on the log, and wipes her mouth furiously._)
+
+HE. My handkerchief.
+
+SHE. (_Throwing it to the ground_) Oh, you coward! You. . . . You
+(_She sits on the log, inarticulate with rage. The whistle is
+heard again._)
+
+HE. Listen to me.
+
+SHE. I won't.
+
+HE. (_Earnestly_) Listen to me.
+
+SHE. I don't want to talk to you!
+
+HE. I'll help you.
+
+SHE. (_Rising_) I don't want your help.
+
+HE. (_Bluntly_) Then you're silly.
+
+SHE. (_Wheeling furiously_) How dare you----
+
+HE. (_Interrupting_) I'll make a bargain with you.
+
+SHE. (_Scornfully_) What dealings can there be between us?
+
+HE. Did you hear the whistling a minute ago?
+
+SHE. Well?
+
+HE. (_With meaning_) That's Brookfield.
+
+SHE. (_After a pause_) Well?
+
+HE. The path leads here. He is following the path----
+
+SHE. (_After still another pause_) Well?
+
+HE. You and I might be very good friends----
+
+SHE. (_Thoughtfully_) Oh, you mean----
+
+HE. A valet is not paid very well----
+
+SHE. No. . . . Still----
+
+SHE. If anything comes of it----
+
+SHE. (_Slowly_) Comes of what?
+
+HE. You understand me. (_He pauses; smiles. Then, in a
+Mephistophelian manner_): Your clothes are still wet, aren't
+they?
+
+SHE. (_With full comprehension_) Yes----
+
+HE. Enough said! (_The whistle is heard, close at hand._) Quick!
+
+SHE. (_Going off_) You won't tell? (_He shakes his head._) I'll
+remember you. (_She runs into the woods._)
+
+HE. (_Sits on the log, laughs heartily. He produces another
+cigarette, and tries in vain to light it. Then, as an atrocious
+little cockney enters whistling gaily, he addresses him sharply_)
+Peters!
+
+PETERS. (_Surprised_) M'lord?
+
+HE. Give me a light, Peters.
+
+PETERS. Yes, m'lord. (_Produces match, etc._)
+
+HE. Thanks. (_He blows a few whiffs into the air. Then stops, and
+surveys PETERS thoughtfully._) Peters, you're a brave man, aren't
+you?
+
+PETERS. (_Modestly_) I am 'andy with me fists, m'lord.
+
+HE. That's not quite what I mean, Peters. . . . (_He pauses._)
+Peters, you have the making of a hero in you. Something tells me
+that you're going to have your chance.
+
+(_There is a loud splash from the same direction as before,
+followed by screams of "Help! Help!"_)
+
+PETERS. (_With excitement_) M'lord!
+
+HE. (_Quietly_) Yes, Peters?
+
+PETERS. Somebody's calling for 'elp, m'lord!
+
+HE. Yes, Peters.
+
+PETERS. Shall I go, m'lord?
+
+HE. Yes, Peters. . . . Gallop!
+
+_And as_
+
+PETERS. (_Charges wildly into the shrubbery, shouting_):  H'I'm
+coming! H'I'm coming!
+
+THE CURTAIN FALLS
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Noble Lord, by Percival Wilde
+
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