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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Candide, by Voltaire
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Candide
+
+Author: Voltaire
+
+Commentator: Philip Littell
+
+Release Date: November 27, 2006 [EBook #19942]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CANDIDE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chuck Greif, Fox in the Stars and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Transcriber's Note:                                        |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Obvious typographical errors have been corrected in        |
+    | this text. For a complete list, please see the bottom of   |
+    | this document.                                             |
+    |                                                            |
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE MODERN LIBRARY
+
+OF THE WORLD'S BEST BOOKS
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDE BY VOLTAIRE
+
+
+     The Publishers will be glad to mail complete list of titles
+     in the Modern Library. The list is representative of the
+     Great Moderns and is one of the most important contributions
+     to publishing that has been made for many years. Every
+     reader of books will find titles he needs at a low price in
+     an attractive form.
+
+
+[Illustration: Voltaire.]
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDE
+
+BY VOLTAIRE
+
+INTRODUCTION BY PHILIP LITTELL
+
+BONI AND LIVERIGHT, INC.
+
+PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
+
+Copyright, 1918, by
+BONI & LIVERIGHT, INC.
+
+Printed in the United States of America
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+Ever since 1759, when Voltaire wrote "Candide" in ridicule of the notion
+that this is the best of all possible worlds, this world has been a
+gayer place for readers. Voltaire wrote it in three days, and five or
+six generations have found that its laughter does not grow old.
+
+"Candide" has not aged. Yet how different the book would have looked if
+Voltaire had written it a hundred and fifty years later than 1759. It
+would have been, among other things, a book of sights and sounds. A
+modern writer would have tried to catch and fix in words some of those
+Atlantic changes which broke the Atlantic monotony of that voyage from
+Cadiz to Buenos Ayres. When Martin and Candide were sailing the length
+of the Mediterranean we should have had a contrast between naked scarped
+Balearic cliffs and headlands of Calabria in their mists. We should have
+had quarter distances, far horizons, the altering silhouettes of an
+Ionian island. Colored birds would have filled Paraguay with their
+silver or acid cries.
+
+Dr. Pangloss, to prove the existence of design in the universe, says
+that noses were made to carry spectacles, and so we have spectacles. A
+modern satirist would not try to paint with Voltaire's quick brush the
+doctrine that he wanted to expose. And he would choose a more
+complicated doctrine than Dr. Pangloss's optimism, would study it more
+closely, feel his destructive way about it with a more learned and
+caressing malice. His attack, stealthier, more flexible and more patient
+than Voltaire's, would call upon us, especially when his learning got a
+little out of control, to be more than patient. Now and then he would
+bore us. "Candide" never bored anybody except William Wordsworth.
+
+Voltaire's men and women point his case against optimism by starting
+high and falling low. A modern could not go about it after this fashion.
+He would not plunge his people into an unfamiliar misery. He would just
+keep them in the misery they were born to.
+
+But such an account of Voltaire's procedure is as misleading as the
+plaster cast of a dance. Look at his procedure again. Mademoiselle
+Cunégonde, the illustrious Westphalian, sprung from a family that could
+prove seventy-one quarterings, descends and descends until we find her
+earning her keep by washing dishes in the Propontis. The aged faithful
+attendant, victim of a hundred acts of rape by negro pirates, remembers
+that she is the daughter of a pope, and that in honor of her
+approaching marriage with a Prince of Massa-Carrara all Italy wrote
+sonnets of which not one was passable. We do not need to know French
+literature before Voltaire in order to feel, although the lurking parody
+may escape us, that he is poking fun at us and at himself. His laughter
+at his own methods grows more unmistakable at the last, when he
+caricatures them by casually assembling six fallen monarchs in an inn at
+Venice.
+
+A modern assailant of optimism would arm himself with social pity. There
+is no social pity in "Candide." Voltaire, whose light touch on familiar
+institutions opens them and reveals their absurdity, likes to remind us
+that the slaughter and pillage and murder which Candide witnessed among
+the Bulgarians was perfectly regular, having been conducted according to
+the laws and usages of war. Had Voltaire lived to-day he would have done
+to poverty what he did to war. Pitying the poor, he would have shown us
+poverty as a ridiculous anachronism, and both the ridicule and the pity
+would have expressed his indignation.
+
+Almost any modern, essaying a philosophic tale, would make it long.
+"Candide" is only a "Hamlet" and a half long. It would hardly have been
+shorter if Voltaire had spent three months on it, instead of those three
+days. A conciseness to be matched in English by nobody except Pope, who
+can say a plagiarizing enemy "steals much, spends little, and has
+nothing left," a conciseness which Pope toiled and sweated for, came as
+easy as wit to Voltaire. He can afford to be witty, parenthetically, by
+the way, prodigally, without saving, because he knows there is more wit
+where that came from.
+
+One of Max Beerbohm's cartoons shows us the young Twentieth Century
+going at top speed, and watched by two of his predecessors. Underneath
+is this legend: "The Grave Misgivings of the Nineteenth Century, and the
+Wicked Amusement of the Eighteenth, in Watching the Progress (or
+whatever it is) of the Twentieth." This Eighteenth Century snuff-taking
+and malicious, is like Voltaire, who nevertheless must know, if he
+happens to think of it, that not yet in the Twentieth Century, not for
+all its speed mania, has any one come near to equalling the speed of a
+prose tale by Voltaire. "Candide" is a full book. It is filled with
+mockery, with inventiveness, with things as concrete as things to eat
+and coins, it has time for the neatest intellectual clickings, it is
+never hurried, and it moves with the most amazing rapidity. It has the
+rapidity of high spirits playing a game. The dry high spirits of this
+destroyer of optimism make most optimists look damp and depressed.
+Contemplation of the stupidity which deems happiness possible almost
+made Voltaire happy. His attack on optimism is one of the gayest books
+in the world. Gaiety has been scattered everywhere up and down its pages
+by Voltaire's lavish hand, by his thin fingers.
+
+Many propagandist satirical books have been written with "Candide" in
+mind, but not too many. To-day, especially, when new faiths are changing
+the structure of the world, faiths which are still plastic enough to be
+deformed by every disciple, each disciple for himself, and which have
+not yet received the final deformation known as universal acceptance,
+to-day "Candide" is an inspiration to every narrative satirist who hates
+one of these new faiths, or hates every interpretation of it but his
+own. Either hatred will serve as a motive to satire.
+
+That is why the present is one of the right moments to republish
+"Candide." I hope it will inspire younger men and women, the only ones
+who can be inspired, to have a try at Theodore, or Militarism; Jane, or
+Pacifism; at So-and-So, the Pragmatist or the Freudian. And I hope, too,
+that they will without trying hold their pens with an eighteenth century
+lightness, not inappropriate to a philosophic tale. In Voltaire's
+fingers, as Anatole France has said, the pen runs and laughs. PHILIP
+LITTELL.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+CHAPTER                                                       PAGE
+
+     I. How Candide was brought up in a
+        Magnificent Castle, and how he was
+        expelled thence                                          1
+
+    II. What became of Candide among the
+        Bulgarians                                               5
+
+   III. How Candide made his escape from the
+        Bulgarians, and what afterwards became
+        of him                                                   9
+
+    IV. How Candide found his old Master
+        Pangloss, and what happened to them                     13
+
+     V. Tempest, Shipwreck, Earthquake, and
+        what became of Doctor Pangloss,
+        Candide, and James the Anabaptist                       18
+
+    VI. How the Portuguese made a Beautiful
+        Auto-da-fé, to prevent any further
+        Earthquakes: and how Candide was
+        publicly whipped                                        23
+
+   VII. How the Old Woman took care of
+        Candide, and how he found the Object
+        he loved                                                26
+
+  VIII. The History of Cunegonde                                30
+
+    IX. What became of Cunegonde, Candide,
+        the Grand Inquisitor, and the Jew                       35
+
+     X. In what distress Candide, Cunegonde,
+        and the Old Woman arrived at
+        Cadiz; and of their Embarkation                         38
+
+    XI. History of the Old Woman                                42
+
+   XII. The Adventures of the Old Woman
+        continued                                               48
+
+  XIII. How Candide was forced away from his
+        fair Cunegonde and the Old Woman                        54
+
+   XIV. How Candide and Cacambo were received
+        by the Jesuits of Paraguay                              58
+
+    XV. How Candide killed the brother of his
+        dear Cunegonde                                          64
+
+   XVI. Adventures of the Two Travellers,
+        with Two Girls, Two Monkeys, and
+        the Savages called Oreillons                            68
+
+  XVII. Arrival of Candide and his Valet at El
+        Dorado, and what they saw there                         74
+
+ XVIII. What they saw in the Country of El
+        Dorado                                                  80
+
+   XIX. What happened to them at Surinam and
+        how Candide got acquainted with
+        Martin                                                  89
+
+    XX. What happened at Sea to Candide and
+        Martin                                                  98
+
+   XXI. Candide and Martin, reasoning, draw
+        near the Coast of France                               102
+
+  XXII. What happened in France to Candide
+        and Martin                                             105
+
+ XXIII. Candide and Martin touched upon the
+        Coast of England, and what they saw
+        there                                                  122
+
+  XXIV. Of Paquette and Friar Giroflée                         125
+
+   XXV. The Visit to Lord Pococurante, a
+        Noble Venetian                                         133
+
+  XXVI. Of a Supper which Candide and Martin
+        took with Six Strangers, and who
+        they were                                              142
+
+ XXVII. Candide's Voyage to Constantinople                     148
+
+XXVIII. What happened to Candide, Cunegonde,
+        Pangloss, Martin, etc.                                 154
+
+  XXIX. How Candide found Cunegonde and
+        the Old Woman again                                    159
+
+   XXX. The Conclusion                                         161
+
+
+[Illustration: VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE]
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDE
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+HOW CANDIDE WAS BROUGHT UP IN A MAGNIFICENT CASTLE, AND HOW HE WAS
+EXPELLED THENCE.
+
+
+In a castle of Westphalia, belonging to the Baron of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, lived a youth, whom nature had endowed with the
+most gentle manners. His countenance was a true picture of his soul. He
+combined a true judgment with simplicity of spirit, which was the
+reason, I apprehend, of his being called Candide. The old servants of
+the family suspected him to have been the son of the Baron's sister, by
+a good, honest gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady would
+never marry because he had been able to prove only seventy-one
+quarterings, the rest of his genealogical tree having been lost through
+the injuries of time.
+
+The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his
+castle had not only a gate, but windows. His great hall, even, was hung
+with tapestry. All the dogs of his farm-yards formed a pack of hounds at
+need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curate of the village was
+his grand almoner. They called him "My Lord," and laughed at all his
+stories.
+
+The Baron's lady weighed about three hundred and fifty pounds, and was
+therefore a person of great consideration, and she did the honours of
+the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect. Her
+daughter Cunegonde was seventeen years of age, fresh-coloured, comely,
+plump, and desirable. The Baron's son seemed to be in every respect
+worthy of his father. The Preceptor Pangloss[1] was the oracle of the
+family, and little Candide heard his lessons with all the good faith of
+his age and character.
+
+Pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology. He
+proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause, and that, in
+this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most
+magnificent of castles, and his lady the best of all possible
+Baronesses.
+
+"It is demonstrable," said he, "that things cannot be otherwise than as
+they are; for all being created for an end, all is necessarily for the
+best end. Observe, that the nose has been formed to bear
+spectacles--thus we have spectacles. Legs are visibly designed for
+stockings--and we have stockings. Stones were made to be hewn, and to
+construct castles--therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for the
+greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were
+made to be eaten--therefore we eat pork all the year round. Consequently
+they who assert that all is well have said a foolish thing, they should
+have said all is for the best."
+
+Candide listened attentively and believed innocently; for he thought
+Miss Cunegonde extremely beautiful, though he never had the courage to
+tell her so. He concluded that after the happiness of being born of
+Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh, the second degree of happiness was to be
+Miss Cunegonde, the third that of seeing her every day, and the fourth
+that of hearing Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole
+province, and consequently of the whole world.
+
+One day Cunegonde, while walking near the castle, in a little wood which
+they called a park, saw between the bushes, Dr. Pangloss giving a lesson
+in experimental natural philosophy to her mother's chamber-maid, a
+little brown wench, very pretty and very docile. As Miss Cunegonde had a
+great disposition for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the
+repeated experiments of which she was a witness; she clearly perceived
+the force of the Doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes; she
+turned back greatly flurried, quite pensive, and filled with the desire
+to be learned; dreaming that she might well be a _sufficient reason_ for
+young Candide, and he for her.
+
+She met Candide on reaching the castle and blushed; Candide blushed
+also; she wished him good morrow in a faltering tone, and Candide spoke
+to her without knowing what he said. The next day after dinner, as they
+went from table, Cunegonde and Candide found themselves behind a screen;
+Cunegonde let fall her handkerchief, Candide picked it up, she took him
+innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young lady's
+hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met,
+their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. Baron
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh passed near the screen and beholding this cause and
+effect chased Candide from the castle with great kicks on the backside;
+Cunegonde fainted away; she was boxed on the ears by the Baroness, as
+soon as she came to herself; and all was consternation in this most
+magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+WHAT BECAME OF CANDIDE AMONG THE BULGARIANS.
+
+
+Candide, driven from terrestrial paradise, walked a long while without
+knowing where, weeping, raising his eyes to heaven, turning them often
+towards the most magnificent of castles which imprisoned the purest of
+noble young ladies. He lay down to sleep without supper, in the middle
+of a field between two furrows. The snow fell in large flakes. Next day
+Candide, all benumbed, dragged himself towards the neighbouring town
+which was called Waldberghofftrarbk-dikdorff, having no money, dying of
+hunger and fatigue, he stopped sorrowfully at the door of an inn. Two
+men dressed in blue observed him.
+
+"Comrade," said one, "here is a well-built young fellow, and of proper
+height."
+
+They went up to Candide and very civilly invited him to dinner.
+
+"Gentlemen," replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, "you do me
+great honour, but I have not wherewithal to pay my share."
+
+"Oh, sir," said one of the blues to him, "people of your appearance and
+of your merit never pay anything: are you not five feet five inches
+high?"
+
+"Yes, sir, that is my height," answered he, making a low bow.
+
+"Come, sir, seat yourself; not only will we pay your reckoning, but we
+will never suffer such a man as you to want money; men are only born to
+assist one another."
+
+"You are right," said Candide; "this is what I was always taught by Mr.
+Pangloss, and I see plainly that all is for the best."
+
+They begged of him to accept a few crowns. He took them, and wished to
+give them his note; they refused; they seated themselves at table.
+
+"Love you not deeply?"
+
+"Oh yes," answered he; "I deeply love Miss Cunegonde."
+
+"No," said one of the gentlemen, "we ask you if you do not deeply love
+the King of the Bulgarians?"
+
+"Not at all," said he; "for I have never seen him."
+
+"What! he is the best of kings, and we must drink his health."
+
+"Oh! very willingly, gentlemen," and he drank.
+
+"That is enough," they tell him. "Now you are the help, the support,
+the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians. Your fortune is made, and your
+glory is assured."
+
+Instantly they fettered him, and carried him away to the regiment. There
+he was made to wheel about to the right, and to the left, to draw his
+rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they
+gave him thirty blows with a cudgel. The next day he did his exercise a
+little less badly, and he received but twenty blows. The day following
+they gave him only ten, and he was regarded by his comrades as a
+prodigy.
+
+Candide, all stupefied, could not yet very well realise how he was a
+hero. He resolved one fine day in spring to go for a walk, marching
+straight before him, believing that it was a privilege of the human as
+well as of the animal species to make use of their legs as they pleased.
+He had advanced two leagues when he was overtaken by four others, heroes
+of six feet, who bound him and carried him to a dungeon. He was asked
+which he would like the best, to be whipped six-and-thirty times through
+all the regiment, or to receive at once twelve balls of lead in his
+brain. He vainly said that human will is free, and that he chose neither
+the one nor the other. He was forced to make a choice; he determined, in
+virtue of that gift of God called liberty, to run the gauntlet
+six-and-thirty times. He bore this twice. The regiment was composed of
+two thousand men; that composed for him four thousand strokes, which
+laid bare all his muscles and nerves, from the nape of his neck quite
+down to his rump. As they were going to proceed to a third whipping,
+Candide, able to bear no more, begged as a favour that they would be so
+good as to shoot him. He obtained this favour; they bandaged his eyes,
+and bade him kneel down. The King of the Bulgarians passed at this
+moment and ascertained the nature of the crime. As he had great talent,
+he understood from all that he learnt of Candide that he was a young
+metaphysician, extremely ignorant of the things of this world, and he
+accorded him his pardon with a clemency which will bring him praise in
+all the journals, and throughout all ages.
+
+An able surgeon cured Candide in three weeks by means of emollients
+taught by Dioscorides. He had already a little skin, and was able to
+march when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the
+Abares.[2]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+HOW CANDIDE MADE HIS ESCAPE FROM THE BULGARIANS, AND WHAT AFTERWARDS
+BECAME OF HIM.
+
+
+There was never anything so gallant, so spruce, so brilliant, and so
+well disposed as the two armies. Trumpets, fifes, hautboys, drums, and
+cannon made music such as Hell itself had never heard. The cannons first
+of all laid flat about six thousand men on each side; the muskets swept
+away from this best of worlds nine or ten thousand ruffians who infested
+its surface. The bayonet was also a _sufficient reason_ for the death of
+several thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand souls.
+Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he
+could during this heroic butchery.
+
+At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deum to be sung each in
+his own camp, Candide resolved to go and reason elsewhere on effects and
+causes. He passed over heaps of dead and dying, and first reached a
+neighbouring village; it was in cinders, it was an Abare village which
+the Bulgarians had burnt according to the laws of war. Here, old men
+covered with wounds, beheld their wives, hugging their children to their
+bloody breasts, massacred before their faces; there, their daughters,
+disembowelled and breathing their last after having satisfied the
+natural wants of Bulgarian heroes; while others, half burnt in the
+flames, begged to be despatched. The earth was strewed with brains,
+arms, and legs.
+
+Candide fled quickly to another village; it belonged to the Bulgarians;
+and the Abarian heroes had treated it in the same way. Candide, walking
+always over palpitating limbs or across ruins, arrived at last beyond
+the seat of war, with a few provisions in his knapsack, and Miss
+Cunegonde always in his heart. His provisions failed him when he arrived
+in Holland; but having heard that everybody was rich in that country,
+and that they were Christians, he did not doubt but he should meet with
+the same treatment from them as he had met with in the Baron's castle,
+before Miss Cunegonde's bright eyes were the cause of his expulsion
+thence.
+
+He asked alms of several grave-looking people, who all answered him,
+that if he continued to follow this trade they would confine him to the
+house of correction, where he should be taught to get a living.
+
+The next he addressed was a man who had been haranguing a large assembly
+for a whole hour on the subject of charity. But the orator, looking
+askew, said:
+
+"What are you doing here? Are you for the good cause?"
+
+"There can be no effect without a cause," modestly answered Candide;
+"the whole is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was
+necessary for me to have been banished from the presence of Miss
+Cunegonde, to have afterwards run the gauntlet, and now it is necessary
+I should beg my bread until I learn to earn it; all this cannot be
+otherwise."
+
+"My friend," said the orator to him, "do you believe the Pope to be
+Anti-Christ?"
+
+"I have not heard it," answered Candide; "but whether he be, or whether
+he be not, I want bread."
+
+"Thou dost not deserve to eat," said the other. "Begone, rogue; begone,
+wretch; do not come near me again."
+
+The orator's wife, putting her head out of the window, and spying a man
+that doubted whether the Pope was Anti-Christ, poured over him a
+full.... Oh, heavens! to what excess does religious zeal carry the
+ladies.
+
+A man who had never been christened, a good Anabaptist, named James,
+beheld the cruel and ignominious treatment shown to one of his
+brethren, an unfeathered biped with a rational soul, he took him home,
+cleaned him, gave him bread and beer, presented him with two florins,
+and even wished to teach him the manufacture of Persian stuffs which
+they make in Holland. Candide, almost prostrating himself before him,
+cried:
+
+"Master Pangloss has well said that all is for the best in this world,
+for I am infinitely more touched by your extreme generosity than with
+the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black coat and his lady."
+
+The next day, as he took a walk, he met a beggar all covered with scabs,
+his eyes diseased, the end of his nose eaten away, his mouth distorted,
+his teeth black, choking in his throat, tormented with a violent cough,
+and spitting out a tooth at each effort.
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+HOW CANDIDE FOUND HIS OLD MASTER PANGLOSS, AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.
+
+
+Candide, yet more moved with compassion than with horror, gave to this
+shocking beggar the two florins which he had received from the honest
+Anabaptist James. The spectre looked at him very earnestly, dropped a
+few tears, and fell upon his neck. Candide recoiled in disgust.
+
+"Alas!" said one wretch to the other, "do you no longer know your dear
+Pangloss?"
+
+"What do I hear? You, my dear master! you in this terrible plight! What
+misfortune has happened to you? Why are you no longer in the most
+magnificent of castles? What has become of Miss Cunegonde, the pearl of
+girls, and nature's masterpiece?"
+
+"I am so weak that I cannot stand," said Pangloss.
+
+Upon which Candide carried him to the Anabaptist's stable, and gave him
+a crust of bread. As soon as Pangloss had refreshed himself a little:
+
+"Well," said Candide, "Cunegonde?"
+
+"She is dead," replied the other.
+
+Candide fainted at this word; his friend recalled his senses with a
+little bad vinegar which he found by chance in the stable. Candide
+reopened his eyes.
+
+"Cunegonde is dead! Ah, best of worlds, where art thou? But of what
+illness did she die? Was it not for grief, upon seeing her father kick
+me out of his magnificent castle?"
+
+"No," said Pangloss, "she was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers,
+after having been violated by many; they broke the Baron's head for
+attempting to defend her; my lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my
+poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as for
+the castle, they have not left one stone upon another, not a barn, nor a
+sheep, nor a duck, nor a tree; but we have had our revenge, for the
+Abares have done the very same thing to a neighbouring barony, which
+belonged to a Bulgarian lord."
+
+At this discourse Candide fainted again; but coming to himself, and
+having said all that it became him to say, inquired into the cause and
+effect, as well as into the _sufficient reason_ that had reduced
+Pangloss to so miserable a plight.
+
+"Alas!" said the other, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human
+species, the preserver of the universe, the soul of all sensible beings,
+love, tender love."
+
+"Alas!" said Candide, "I know this love, that sovereign of hearts, that
+soul of our souls; yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty
+kicks on the backside. How could this beautiful cause produce in you an
+effect so abominable?"
+
+Pangloss made answer in these terms: "Oh, my dear Candide, you remember
+Paquette, that pretty wench who waited on our noble Baroness; in her
+arms I tasted the delights of paradise, which produced in me those hell
+torments with which you see me devoured; she was infected with them, she
+is perhaps dead of them. This present Paquette received of a learned
+Grey Friar, who had traced it to its source; he had had it of an old
+countess, who had received it from a cavalry captain, who owed it to a
+marchioness, who took it from a page, who had received it from a Jesuit,
+who when a novice had it in a direct line from one of the companions of
+Christopher Columbus.[3] For my part I shall give it to nobody, I am
+dying."
+
+"Oh, Pangloss!" cried Candide, "what a strange genealogy! Is not the
+Devil the original stock of it?"
+
+"Not at all," replied this great man, "it was a thing unavoidable, a
+necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had not in
+an island of America caught this disease, which contaminates the source
+of life, frequently even hinders generation, and which is evidently
+opposed to the great end of nature, we should have neither chocolate nor
+cochineal. We are also to observe that upon our continent, this
+distemper is like religious controversy, confined to a particular spot.
+The Turks, the Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, the
+Japanese, know nothing of it; but there is a sufficient reason for
+believing that they will know it in their turn in a few centuries. In
+the meantime, it has made marvellous progress among us, especially in
+those great armies composed of honest well-disciplined hirelings, who
+decide the destiny of states; for we may safely affirm that when an army
+of thirty thousand men fights another of an equal number, there are
+about twenty thousand of them p-x-d on each side."
+
+"Well, this is wonderful!" said Candide, "but you must get cured."
+
+"Alas! how can I?" said Pangloss, "I have not a farthing, my friend, and
+all over the globe there is no letting of blood or taking a glister,
+without paying, or somebody paying for you."
+
+These last words determined Candide; he went and flung himself at the
+feet of the charitable Anabaptist James, and gave him so touching a
+picture of the state to which his friend was reduced, that the good man
+did not scruple to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and had him cured
+at his expense. In the cure Pangloss lost only an eye and an ear. He
+wrote well, and knew arithmetic perfectly. The Anabaptist James made him
+his bookkeeper. At the end of two months, being obliged to go to Lisbon
+about some mercantile affairs, he took the two philosophers with him in
+his ship. Pangloss explained to him how everything was so constituted
+that it could not be better. James was not of this opinion.
+
+"It is more likely," said he, "mankind have a little corrupted nature,
+for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves; God has
+given them neither cannon of four-and-twenty pounders, nor bayonets; and
+yet they have made cannon and bayonets to destroy one another. Into this
+account I might throw not only bankrupts, but Justice which seizes on
+the effects of bankrupts to cheat the creditors."
+
+"All this was indispensable," replied the one-eyed doctor, "for private
+misfortunes make the general good, so that the more private misfortunes
+there are the greater is the general good."
+
+While he reasoned, the sky darkened, the winds blew from the four
+quarters, and the ship was assailed by a most terrible tempest within
+sight of the port of Lisbon.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+TEMPEST, SHIPWRECK, EARTHQUAKE, AND WHAT BECAME OF DOCTOR PANGLOSS,
+CANDIDE, AND JAMES THE ANABAPTIST.
+
+
+Half dead of that inconceivable anguish which the rolling of a ship
+produces, one-half of the passengers were not even sensible of the
+danger. The other half shrieked and prayed. The sheets were rent, the
+masts broken, the vessel gaped. Work who would, no one heard, no one
+commanded. The Anabaptist being upon deck bore a hand; when a brutish
+sailor struck him roughly and laid him sprawling; but with the violence
+of the blow he himself tumbled head foremost overboard, and stuck upon a
+piece of the broken mast. Honest James ran to his assistance, hauled him
+up, and from the effort he made was precipitated into the sea in sight
+of the sailor, who left him to perish, without deigning to look at him.
+Candide drew near and saw his benefactor, who rose above the water one
+moment and was then swallowed up for ever. He was just going to jump
+after him, but was prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who
+demonstrated to him that the Bay of Lisbon had been made on purpose for
+the Anabaptist to be drowned. While he was proving this _à priori_, the
+ship foundered; all perished except Pangloss, Candide, and that brutal
+sailor who had drowned the good Anabaptist. The villain swam safely to
+the shore, while Pangloss and Candide were borne thither upon a plank.
+
+As soon as they recovered themselves a little they walked toward Lisbon.
+They had some money left, with which they hoped to save themselves from
+starving, after they had escaped drowning. Scarcely had they reached the
+city, lamenting the death of their benefactor, when they felt the earth
+tremble under their feet. The sea swelled and foamed in the harbour, and
+beat to pieces the vessels riding at anchor. Whirlwinds of fire and
+ashes covered the streets and public places; houses fell, roofs were
+flung upon the pavements, and the pavements were scattered. Thirty
+thousand inhabitants of all ages and sexes were crushed under the
+ruins.[4] The sailor, whistling and swearing, said there was booty to be
+gained here.
+
+"What can be the _sufficient reason_ of this phenomenon?" said Pangloss.
+
+"This is the Last Day!" cried Candide.
+
+The sailor ran among the ruins, facing death to find money; finding it,
+he took it, got drunk, and having slept himself sober, purchased the
+favours of the first good-natured wench whom he met on the ruins of the
+destroyed houses, and in the midst of the dying and the dead. Pangloss
+pulled him by the sleeve.
+
+"My friend," said he, "this is not right. You sin against the _universal
+reason_; you choose your time badly."
+
+"S'blood and fury!" answered the other; "I am a sailor and born at
+Batavia. Four times have I trampled upon the crucifix in four voyages to
+Japan[5]; a fig for thy universal reason."
+
+Some falling stones had wounded Candide. He lay stretched in the street
+covered with rubbish.
+
+"Alas!" said he to Pangloss, "get me a little wine and oil; I am dying."
+
+"This concussion of the earth is no new thing," answered Pangloss. "The
+city of Lima, in America, experienced the same convulsions last year;
+the same cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur
+under ground from Lima to Lisbon."
+
+"Nothing more probable," said Candide; "but for the love of God a little
+oil and wine."
+
+"How, probable?" replied the philosopher. "I maintain that the point is
+capable of being demonstrated."
+
+Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water from a
+neighbouring fountain. The following day they rummaged among the ruins
+and found provisions, with which they repaired their exhausted strength.
+After this they joined with others in relieving those inhabitants who
+had escaped death. Some, whom they had succoured, gave them as good a
+dinner as they could in such disastrous circumstances; true, the repast
+was mournful, and the company moistened their bread with tears; but
+Pangloss consoled them, assuring them that things could not be
+otherwise.
+
+"For," said he, "all that is is for the best. If there is a volcano at
+Lisbon it cannot be elsewhere. It is impossible that things should be
+other than they are; for everything is right."
+
+A little man dressed in black, Familiar of the Inquisition, who sat by
+him, politely took up his word and said:
+
+"Apparently, then, sir, you do not believe in original sin; for if all
+is for the best there has then been neither Fall nor punishment."
+
+"I humbly ask your Excellency's pardon," answered Pangloss, still more
+politely; "for the Fall and curse of man necessarily entered into the
+system of the best of worlds."
+
+"Sir," said the Familiar, "you do not then believe in liberty?"
+
+"Your Excellency will excuse me," said Pangloss; "liberty is consistent
+with absolute necessity, for it was necessary we should be free; for, in
+short, the determinate will----"
+
+Pangloss was in the middle of his sentence, when the Familiar beckoned
+to his footman, who gave him a glass of wine from Porto or Opporto.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+HOW THE PORTUGUESE MADE A BEAUTIFUL AUTO-DA-FÉ, TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER
+EARTHQUAKES; AND HOW CANDIDE WAS PUBLICLY WHIPPED.
+
+
+After the earthquake had destroyed three-fourths of Lisbon, the sages of
+that country could think of no means more effectual to prevent utter
+ruin than to give the people a beautiful _auto-da-fé_[6]; for it had
+been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the burning of a few
+people alive by a slow fire, and with great ceremony, is an infallible
+secret to hinder the earth from quaking.
+
+In consequence hereof, they had seized on a Biscayner, convicted of
+having married his godmother, and on two Portuguese, for rejecting the
+bacon which larded a chicken they were eating[7]; after dinner, they
+came and secured Dr. Pangloss, and his disciple Candide, the one for
+speaking his mind, the other for having listened with an air of
+approbation. They were conducted to separate apartments, extremely cold,
+as they were never incommoded by the sun. Eight days after they were
+dressed in _san-benitos_[8] and their heads ornamented with paper
+mitres. The mitre and _san-benito_ belonging to Candide were painted
+with reversed flames and with devils that had neither tails nor claws;
+but Pangloss's devils had claws and tails and the flames were upright.
+They marched in procession thus habited and heard a very pathetic
+sermon, followed by fine church music. Candide was whipped in cadence
+while they were singing; the Biscayner, and the two men who had refused
+to eat bacon, were burnt; and Pangloss was hanged, though that was not
+the custom. The same day the earth sustained a most violent concussion.
+
+Candide, terrified, amazed, desperate, all bloody, all palpitating, said
+to himself:
+
+"If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others? Well,
+if I had been only whipped I could put up with it, for I experienced
+that among the Bulgarians; but oh, my dear Pangloss! thou greatest of
+philosophers, that I should have seen you hanged, without knowing for
+what! Oh, my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that thou should'st have
+been drowned in the very harbour! Oh, Miss Cunegonde, thou pearl of
+girls! that thou should'st have had thy belly ripped open!"
+
+Thus he was musing, scarce able to stand, preached at, whipped,
+absolved, and blessed, when an old woman accosted him saying:
+
+"My son, take courage and follow me."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+HOW THE OLD WOMAN TOOK CARE OF CANDIDE, AND HOW HE FOUND THE OBJECT HE
+LOVED.
+
+
+Candide did not take courage, but followed the old woman to a decayed
+house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint his sores, showed
+him a very neat little bed, with a suit of clothes hanging up, and left
+him something to eat and drink.
+
+"Eat, drink, sleep," said she, "and may our lady of Atocha,[9] the great
+St. Anthony of Padua, and the great St. James of Compostella, receive
+you under their protection. I shall be back to-morrow."
+
+Candide, amazed at all he had suffered and still more with the charity
+of the old woman, wished to kiss her hand.
+
+"It is not my hand you must kiss," said the old woman; "I shall be back
+to-morrow. Anoint yourself with the pomatum, eat and sleep."
+
+Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The next
+morning the old woman brought him his breakfast, looked at his back, and
+rubbed it herself with another ointment: in like manner she brought him
+his dinner; and at night she returned with his supper. The day following
+she went through the very same ceremonies.
+
+"Who are you?" said Candide; "who has inspired you with so much
+goodness? What return can I make you?"
+
+The good woman made no answer; she returned in the evening, but brought
+no supper.
+
+"Come with me," she said, "and say nothing."
+
+She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of a mile
+into the country; they arrived at a lonely house, surrounded with
+gardens and canals. The old woman knocked at a little door, it opened,
+she led Candide up a private staircase into a small apartment richly
+furnished. She left him on a brocaded sofa, shut the door and went away.
+Candide thought himself in a dream; indeed, that he had been dreaming
+unluckily all his life, and that the present moment was the only
+agreeable part of it all.
+
+The old woman returned very soon, supporting with difficulty a trembling
+woman of a majestic figure, brilliant with jewels, and covered with a
+veil.
+
+"Take off that veil," said the old woman to Candide.
+
+The young man approaches, he raises the veil with a timid hand. Oh!
+what a moment! what surprise! he believes he beholds Miss Cunegonde? he
+really sees her! it is herself! His strength fails him, he cannot utter
+a word, but drops at her feet. Cunegonde falls upon the sofa. The old
+woman supplies a smelling bottle; they come to themselves and recover
+their speech. As they began with broken accents, with questions and
+answers interchangeably interrupted with sighs, with tears, and cries.
+The old woman desired they would make less noise and then she left them
+to themselves.
+
+"What, is it you?" said Candide, "you live? I find you again in
+Portugal? then you have not been ravished? then they did not rip open
+your belly as Doctor Pangloss informed me?"
+
+"Yes, they did," said the beautiful Cunegonde; "but those two accidents
+are not always mortal."
+
+"But were your father and mother killed?"
+
+"It is but too true," answered Cunegonde, in tears.
+
+"And your brother?"
+
+"My brother also was killed."
+
+"And why are you in Portugal? and how did you know of my being here? and
+by what strange adventure did you contrive to bring me to this house?"
+
+"I will tell you all that," replied the lady, "but first of all let me
+know your history, since the innocent kiss you gave me and the kicks
+which you received."
+
+Candide respectfully obeyed her, and though he was still in a surprise,
+though his voice was feeble and trembling, though his back still pained
+him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everything that had
+befallen him since the moment of their separation. Cunegonde lifted up
+her eyes to heaven; shed tears upon hearing of the death of the good
+Anabaptist and of Pangloss; after which she spoke as follows to Candide,
+who did not lose a word and devoured her with his eyes.
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+THE HISTORY OF CUNEGONDE.
+
+
+"I was in bed and fast asleep when it pleased God to send the Bulgarians
+to our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh; they slew my father and
+brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall Bulgarian, six feet high,
+perceiving that I had fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me;
+this made me recover; I regained my senses, I cried, I struggled, I bit,
+I scratched, I wanted to tear out the tall Bulgarian's eyes--not knowing
+that what happened at my father's house was the usual practice of war.
+The brute gave me a cut in the left side with his hanger, and the mark
+is still upon me."
+
+"Ah! I hope I shall see it," said honest Candide.
+
+"You shall," said Cunegonde, "but let us continue."
+
+"Do so," replied Candide.
+
+Thus she resumed the thread of her story:
+
+"A Bulgarian captain came in, saw me all bleeding, and the soldier not
+in the least disconcerted. The captain flew into a passion at the
+disrespectful behaviour of the brute, and slew him on my body. He
+ordered my wounds to be dressed, and took me to his quarters as a
+prisoner of war. I washed the few shirts that he had, I did his cooking;
+he thought me very pretty--he avowed it; on the other hand, I must own
+he had a good shape, and a soft and white skin; but he had little or no
+mind or philosophy, and you might see plainly that he had never been
+instructed by Doctor Pangloss. In three months time, having lost all his
+money, and being grown tired of my company, he sold me to a Jew, named
+Don Issachar, who traded to Holland and Portugal, and had a strong
+passion for women. This Jew was much attached to my person, but could
+not triumph over it; I resisted him better than the Bulgarian soldier. A
+modest woman may be ravished once, but her virtue is strengthened by it.
+In order to render me more tractable, he brought me to this country
+house. Hitherto I had imagined that nothing could equal the beauty of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh Castle; but I found I was mistaken.
+
+"The Grand Inquisitor, seeing me one day at Mass, stared long at me, and
+sent to tell me that he wished to speak on private matters. I was
+conducted to his palace, where I acquainted him with the history of my
+family, and he represented to me how much it was beneath my rank to
+belong to an Israelite. A proposal was then made to Don Issachar that he
+should resign me to my lord. Don Issachar, being the court banker, and a
+man of credit, would hear nothing of it. The Inquisitor threatened him
+with an _auto-da-fé_. At last my Jew, intimidated, concluded a bargain,
+by which the house and myself should belong to both in common; the Jew
+should have for himself Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and the
+Inquisitor should have the rest of the week. It is now six months since
+this agreement was made. Quarrels have not been wanting, for they could
+not decide whether the night from Saturday to Sunday belonged to the old
+law or to the new. For my part, I have so far held out against both, and
+I verily believe that this is the reason why I am still beloved.
+
+"At length, to avert the scourge of earthquakes, and to intimidate Don
+Issachar, my Lord Inquisitor was pleased to celebrate an _auto-da-fé_.
+He did me the honour to invite me to the ceremony. I had a very good
+seat, and the ladies were served with refreshments between Mass and the
+execution. I was in truth seized with horror at the burning of those two
+Jews, and of the honest Biscayner who had married his godmother; but
+what was my surprise, my fright, my trouble, when I saw in a
+_san-benito_ and mitre a figure which resembled that of Pangloss! I
+rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively, I saw him hung; I fainted.
+Scarcely had I recovered my senses than I saw you stripped, stark naked,
+and this was the height of my horror, consternation, grief, and despair.
+I tell you, truthfully, that your skin is yet whiter and of a more
+perfect colour than that of my Bulgarian captain. This spectacle
+redoubled all the feelings which overwhelmed and devoured me. I screamed
+out, and would have said, 'Stop, barbarians!' but my voice failed me,
+and my cries would have been useless after you had been severely
+whipped. How is it possible, said I, that the beloved Candide and the
+wise Pangloss should both be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred
+lashes, and the other to be hanged by the Grand Inquisitor, of whom I am
+the well-beloved? Pangloss most cruelly deceived me when he said that
+everything in the world is for the best.
+
+"Agitated, lost, sometimes beside myself, and sometimes ready to die of
+weakness, my mind was filled with the massacre of my father, mother, and
+brother, with the insolence of the ugly Bulgarian soldier, with the stab
+that he gave me, with my servitude under the Bulgarian captain, with my
+hideous Don Issachar, with my abominable Inquisitor, with the execution
+of Doctor Pangloss, with the grand Miserere to which they whipped you,
+and especially with the kiss I gave you behind the screen the day that I
+had last seen you. I praised God for bringing you back to me after so
+many trials, and I charged my old woman to take care of you, and to
+conduct you hither as soon as possible. She has executed her commission
+perfectly well; I have tasted the inexpressible pleasure of seeing you
+again, of hearing you, of speaking with you. But you must be hungry, for
+myself, I am famished; let us have supper."
+
+They both sat down to table, and, when supper was over, they placed
+themselves once more on the sofa; where they were when Signor Don
+Issachar arrived. It was the Jewish Sabbath, and Issachar had come to
+enjoy his rights, and to explain his tender love.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+WHAT BECAME OF CUNEGONDE, CANDIDE, THE GRAND INQUISITOR, AND THE JEW.
+
+
+This Issachar was the most choleric Hebrew that had ever been seen in
+Israel since the Captivity in Babylon.
+
+"What!" said he, "thou bitch of a Galilean, was not the Inquisitor
+enough for thee? Must this rascal also share with me?"
+
+In saying this he drew a long poniard which he always carried about him;
+and not imagining that his adversary had any arms he threw himself upon
+Candide: but our honest Westphalian had received a handsome sword from
+the old woman along with the suit of clothes. He drew his rapier,
+despite his gentleness, and laid the Israelite stone dead upon the
+cushions at Cunegonde's feet.
+
+"Holy Virgin!" cried she, "what will become of us? A man killed in my
+apartment! If the officers of justice come, we are lost!"
+
+"Had not Pangloss been hanged," said Candide, "he would give us good
+counsel in this emergency, for he was a profound philosopher. Failing
+him let us consult the old woman."
+
+She was very prudent and commenced to give her opinion when suddenly
+another little door opened. It was an hour after midnight, it was the
+beginning of Sunday. This day belonged to my lord the Inquisitor. He
+entered, and saw the whipped Candide, sword in hand, a dead man upon the
+floor, Cunegonde aghast, and the old woman giving counsel.
+
+At this moment, the following is what passed in the soul of Candide, and
+how he reasoned:
+
+If this holy man call in assistance, he will surely have me burnt; and
+Cunegonde will perhaps be served in the same manner; he was the cause of
+my being cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and, as I have now begun to
+kill, I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate. This reasoning
+was clear and instantaneous; so that without giving time to the
+Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he pierced him through and
+through, and cast him beside the Jew.
+
+"Yet again!" said Cunegonde, "now there is no mercy for us, we are
+excommunicated, our last hour has come. How could you do it? you,
+naturally so gentle, to slay a Jew and a prelate in two minutes!"
+
+"My beautiful young lady," responded Candide, "when one is a lover,
+jealous and whipped by the Inquisition, one stops at nothing."
+
+The old woman then put in her word, saying:
+
+"There are three Andalusian horses in the stable with bridles and
+saddles, let the brave Candide get them ready; madame has money, jewels;
+let us therefore mount quickly on horseback, though I can sit only on
+one buttock; let us set out for Cadiz, it is the finest weather in the
+world, and there is great pleasure in travelling in the cool of the
+night."
+
+Immediately Candide saddled the three horses, and Cunegonde, the old
+woman and he, travelled thirty miles at a stretch. While they were
+journeying, the Holy Brotherhood entered the house; my lord the
+Inquisitor was interred in a handsome church, and Issachar's body was
+thrown upon a dunghill.
+
+Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, had now reached the little town
+of Avacena in the midst of the mountains of the Sierra Morena, and were
+speaking as follows in a public inn.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+IN WHAT DISTRESS CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, AND THE OLD WOMAN ARRIVED AT CADIZ;
+AND OF THEIR EMBARKATION.
+
+
+"Who was it that robbed me of my money and jewels?" said Cunegonde, all
+bathed in tears. "How shall we live? What shall we do? Where find
+Inquisitors or Jews who will give me more?"
+
+"Alas!" said the old woman, "I have a shrewd suspicion of a reverend
+Grey Friar, who stayed last night in the same inn with us at Badajos.
+God preserve me from judging rashly, but he came into our room twice,
+and he set out upon his journey long before us."
+
+"Alas!" said Candide, "dear Pangloss has often demonstrated to me that
+the goods of this world are common to all men, and that each has an
+equal right to them. But according to these principles the Grey Friar
+ought to have left us enough to carry us through our journey. Have you
+nothing at all left, my dear Cunegonde?"
+
+"Not a farthing," said she.
+
+"What then must we do?" said Candide.
+
+"Sell one of the horses," replied the old woman. "I will ride behind
+Miss Cunegonde, though I can hold myself only on one buttock, and we
+shall reach Cadiz."
+
+In the same inn there was a Benedictine prior who bought the horse for a
+cheap price. Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, having passed
+through Lucena, Chillas, and Lebrixa, arrived at length at Cadiz. A
+fleet was there getting ready, and troops assembling to bring to reason
+the reverend Jesuit Fathers of Paraguay, accused of having made one of
+the native tribes in the neighborhood of San Sacrament revolt against
+the Kings of Spain and Portugal. Candide having been in the Bulgarian
+service, performed the military exercise before the general of this
+little army with so graceful an address, with so intrepid an air, and
+with such agility and expedition, that he was given the command of a
+company of foot. Now, he was a captain! He set sail with Miss Cunegonde,
+the old woman, two valets, and the two Andalusian horses, which had
+belonged to the grand Inquisitor of Portugal.
+
+During their voyage they reasoned a good deal on the philosophy of poor
+Pangloss.
+
+"We are going into another world," said Candide; "and surely it must be
+there that all is for the best. For I must confess there is reason to
+complain a little of what passeth in our world in regard to both
+natural and moral philosophy."
+
+"I love you with all my heart," said Cunegonde; "but my soul is still
+full of fright at that which I have seen and experienced."
+
+"All will be well," replied Candide; "the sea of this new world is
+already better than our European sea; it is calmer, the winds more
+regular. It is certainly the New World which is the best of all possible
+worlds."
+
+"God grant it," said Cunegonde; "but I have been so horribly unhappy
+there that my heart is almost closed to hope."
+
+"You complain," said the old woman; "alas! you have not known such
+misfortunes as mine."
+
+Cunegonde almost broke out laughing, finding the good woman very
+amusing, for pretending to have been as unfortunate as she.
+
+"Alas!" said Cunegonde, "my good mother, unless you have been ravished
+by two Bulgarians, have received two deep wounds in your belly, have had
+two castles demolished, have had two mothers cut to pieces before your
+eyes, and two of your lovers whipped at an _auto-da-fé_, I do not
+conceive how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add that I was born a
+baroness of seventy-two quarterings--and have been a cook!"
+
+"Miss," replied the old woman, "you do not know my birth; and were I to
+show you my backside, you would not talk in that manner, but would
+suspend your judgment."
+
+This speech having raised extreme curiosity in the minds of Cunegonde
+and Candide, the old woman spoke to them as follows.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+HISTORY OF THE OLD WOMAN.
+
+
+"I had not always bleared eyes and red eyelids; neither did my nose
+always touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. I am the daughter of
+Pope Urban X,[10] and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until the age of
+fourteen I was brought up in a palace, to which all the castles of your
+German barons would scarcely have served for stables; and one of my
+robes was worth more than all the magnificence of Westphalia. As I grew
+up I improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment, in the
+midst of pleasures, hopes, and respectful homage. Already I inspired
+love. My throat was formed, and such a throat! white, firm, and shaped
+like that of the Venus of Medici; and what eyes! what eyelids! what
+black eyebrows! such flames darted from my dark pupils that they
+eclipsed the scintillation of the stars--as I was told by the poets in
+our part of the world. My waiting women, when dressing and undressing
+me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they viewed me before or
+behind; how glad would the gentlemen have been to perform that office
+for them!
+
+"I was affianced to the most excellent Prince of Massa Carara. Such a
+prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly
+witty, and sparkling with love. I loved him as one loves for the first
+time--with idolatry, with transport. The nuptials were prepared. There
+was surprising pomp and magnificence; there were _fêtes_, carousals,
+continual _opera bouffe_; and all Italy composed sonnets in my praise,
+though not one of them was passable. I was just upon the point of
+reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marchioness who had been
+mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate with
+her. He died in less than two hours of most terrible convulsions. But
+this is only a bagatelle. My mother, in despair, and scarcely less
+afflicted than myself, determined to absent herself for some time from
+so fatal a place. She had a very fine estate in the neighbourhood of
+Gaeta. We embarked on board a galley of the country which was gilded
+like the great altar of St. Peter's at Rome. A Sallee corsair swooped
+down and boarded us. Our men defended themselves like the Pope's
+soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their
+arms, begging of the corsair an absolution _in articulo mortis_.
+
+"Instantly they were stripped as bare as monkeys; my mother, our maids
+of honour, and myself were all served in the same manner. It is amazing
+with what expedition those gentry undress people. But what surprised me
+most was, that they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies
+which the generality of women suffer no other instrument but--pipes to
+enter. It appeared to me a very strange kind of ceremony; but thus one
+judges of things when one has not seen the world. I afterwards learnt
+that it was to try whether we had concealed any diamonds. This is the
+practice established from time immemorial, among civilised nations that
+scour the seas. I was informed that the very religious Knights of Malta
+never fail to make this search when they take any Turkish prisoners of
+either sex. It is a law of nations from which they never deviate.
+
+"I need not tell _you_ how great a hardship it was for a young princess
+and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco. You may easily
+imagine all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel. My mother was
+still very handsome; our maids of honour, and even our waiting women,
+had more charms than are to be found in all Africa. As for myself, I was
+ravishing, was exquisite, grace itself, and I was a virgin! I did not
+remain so long; this flower, which had been reserved for the handsome
+Prince of Massa Carara, was plucked by the corsair captain. He was an
+abominable negro, and yet believed that he did me a great deal of
+honour. Certainly the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have been
+very strong to go through all that we experienced until our arrival at
+Morocco. But let us pass on; these are such common things as not to be
+worth mentioning.
+
+"Morocco swam in blood when we arrived. Fifty sons of the Emperor
+Muley-Ismael[11] had each their adherents; this produced fifty civil
+wars, of blacks against blacks, and blacks against tawnies, and tawnies
+against tawnies, and mulattoes against mulattoes. In short it was a
+continual carnage throughout the empire.
+
+"No sooner were we landed, than the blacks of a contrary faction to that
+of my captain attempted to rob him of his booty. Next to jewels and gold
+we were the most valuable things he had. I was witness to such a battle
+as you have never seen in your European climates. The northern nations
+have not that heat in their blood, nor that raging lust for women, so
+common in Africa. It seems that you Europeans have only milk in your
+veins; but it is vitriol, it is fire which runs in those of the
+inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighbouring countries. They fought
+with the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of the country, to see
+who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while my
+captain's lieutenant held her by the left; a Moorish soldier had hold of
+her by one leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. Thus
+almost all our women were drawn in quarters by four men. My captain
+concealed me behind him; and with his drawn scimitar cut and slashed
+every one that opposed his fury. At length I saw all our Italian women,
+and my mother herself, torn, mangled, massacred, by the monsters who
+disputed over them. The slaves, my companions, those who had taken them,
+soldiers, sailors, blacks, whites, mulattoes, and at last my captain,
+all were killed, and I remained dying on a heap of dead. Such scenes as
+this were transacted through an extent of three hundred leagues--and yet
+they never missed the five prayers a day ordained by Mahomet.
+
+"With difficulty I disengaged myself from such a heap of slaughtered
+bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the bank of a neighbouring
+rivulet, where I fell, oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair,
+and hunger. Immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves
+up to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. I was in this
+state of weakness and insensibility, between life and death, when I
+felt myself pressed by something that moved upon my body. I opened my
+eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed, and who said
+between his teeth: '_O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!_'"[12]
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+THE ADVENTURES OF THE OLD WOMAN CONTINUED.
+
+
+"Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no less
+surprised at what this man said, I made answer that there were much
+greater misfortunes than that of which he complained. I told him in a
+few words of the horrors which I had endured, and fainted a second time.
+He carried me to a neighbouring house, put me to bed, gave me food,
+waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he told me that he had never
+seen any one so beautiful as I, and that he never so much regretted the
+loss of what it was impossible to recover.
+
+"'I was born at Naples,' said he, 'there they geld two or three thousand
+children every year; some die of the operation, others acquire a voice
+more beautiful than that of women, and others are raised to offices of
+state.[13] This operation was performed on me with great success and I
+was chapel musician to madam, the Princess of Palestrina.'
+
+"'To my mother!' cried I.
+
+"'Your mother!' cried he, weeping. 'What! can you be that young
+princess whom I brought up until the age of six years, and who promised
+so early to be as beautiful as you?'
+
+"'It is I, indeed; but my mother lies four hundred yards hence, torn in
+quarters, under a heap of dead bodies.'
+
+"I told him all my adventures, and he made me acquainted with his;
+telling me that he had been sent to the Emperor of Morocco by a
+Christian power, to conclude a treaty with that prince, in consequence
+of which he was to be furnished with military stores and ships to help
+to demolish the commerce of other Christian Governments.
+
+"'My mission is done,' said this honest eunuch; 'I go to embark for
+Ceuta, and will take you to Italy. _Ma che sciagura d'essere senza
+coglioni!_'
+
+"I thanked him with tears of commiseration; and instead of taking me to
+Italy he conducted me to Algiers, where he sold me to the Dey. Scarcely
+was I sold, than the plague which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and
+Europe, broke out with great malignancy in Algiers. You have seen
+earthquakes; but pray, miss, have you ever had the plague?"
+
+"Never," answered Cunegonde.
+
+"If you had," said the old woman, "you would acknowledge that it is far
+more terrible than an earthquake. It is common in Africa, and I caught
+it. Imagine to yourself the distressed situation of the daughter of a
+Pope, only fifteen years old, who, in less than three months, had felt
+the miseries of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day,
+had beheld her mother drawn in quarters, had experienced famine and war,
+and was dying of the plague in Algiers. I did not die, however, but my
+eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers perished.
+
+"As soon as the first fury of this terrible pestilence was over, a sale
+was made of the Dey's slaves; I was purchased by a merchant, and carried
+to Tunis; this man sold me to another merchant, who sold me again to
+another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria, from
+Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. At length I
+became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries, who was soon ordered
+away to the defence of Azof, then besieged by the Russians.
+
+"The Aga, who was a very gallant man, took his whole seraglio with him,
+and lodged us in a small fort on the Palus Méotides, guarded by two
+black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. The Turks killed prodigious numbers
+of the Russians, but the latter had their revenge. Azof was destroyed by
+fire, the inhabitants put to the sword, neither sex nor age was spared;
+until there remained only our little fort, and the enemy wanted to
+starve us out. The twenty Janissaries had sworn they would never
+surrender. The extremities of famine to which they were reduced, obliged
+them to eat our two eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. And at
+the end of a few days they resolved also to devour the women.
+
+"We had a very pious and humane Iman, who preached an excellent sermon,
+exhorting them not to kill us all at once.
+
+"'Only cut off a buttock of each of those ladies,' said he, 'and you'll
+fare extremely well; if you must go to it again, there will be the same
+entertainment a few days hence; heaven will accept of so charitable an
+action, and send you relief.'
+
+"He had great eloquence; he persuaded them; we underwent this terrible
+operation. The Iman applied the same balsam to us, as he does to
+children after circumcision; and we all nearly died.
+
+"Scarcely had the Janissaries finished the repast with which we had
+furnished them, than the Russians came in flat-bottomed boats; not a
+Janissary escaped. The Russians paid no attention to the condition we
+were in. There are French surgeons in all parts of the world; one of
+them who was very clever took us under his care--he cured us; and as
+long as I live I shall remember that as soon as my wounds were healed he
+made proposals to me. He bid us all be of good cheer, telling us that
+the like had happened in many sieges, and that it was according to the
+laws of war.
+
+"As soon as my companions could walk, they were obliged to set out for
+Moscow. I fell to the share of a Boyard who made me his gardener, and
+gave me twenty lashes a day. But this nobleman having in two years' time
+been broke upon the wheel along with thirty more Boyards for some broils
+at court, I profited by that event; I fled. I traversed all Russia; I
+was a long time an inn-holder's servant at Riga, the same at Rostock, at
+Vismar, at Leipzig, at Cassel, at Utrecht, at Leyden, at the Hague, at
+Rotterdam. I waxed old in misery and disgrace, having only one-half of
+my posteriors, and always remembering I was a Pope's daughter. A hundred
+times I was upon the point of killing myself; but still I loved life.
+This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics;
+for is there anything more absurd than to wish to carry continually a
+burden which one can always throw down? to detest existence and yet to
+cling to one's existence? in brief, to caress the serpent which devours
+us, till he has eaten our very heart?
+
+"In the different countries which it has been my lot to traverse, and
+the numerous inns where I have been servant, I have taken notice of a
+vast number of people who held their own existence in abhorrence, and
+yet I never knew of more than eight who voluntarily put an end to their
+misery; three negroes, four Englishmen, and a German professor named
+Robek.[14] I ended by being servant to the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed
+me near your presence, my fair lady. I am determined to share your fate,
+and have been much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own.
+I would never even have spoken to you of my misfortunes, had you not
+piqued me a little, and if it were not customary to tell stories on
+board a ship in order to pass away the time. In short, Miss Cunegonde, I
+have had experience, I know the world; therefore I advise you to divert
+yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story; and if
+there be one of them all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that
+has not frequently looked upon himself as the unhappiest of mortals, I
+give you leave to throw me headforemost into the sea."
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+HOW CANDIDE WAS FORCED AWAY FROM HIS FAIR CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN.
+
+
+The beautiful Cunegonde having heard the old woman's history, paid her
+all the civilities due to a person of her rank and merit. She likewise
+accepted her proposal, and engaged all the passengers, one after the
+other, to relate their adventures; and then both she and Candide allowed
+that the old woman was in the right.
+
+"It is a great pity," said Candide, "that the sage Pangloss was hanged
+contrary to custom at an _auto-da-fé_; he would tell us most amazing
+things in regard to the physical and moral evils that overspread earth
+and sea, and I should be able, with due respect, to make a few
+objections."
+
+While each passenger was recounting his story, the ship made her way.
+They landed at Buenos Ayres. Cunegonde, Captain Candide, and the old
+woman, waited on the Governor, Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y
+Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza. This nobleman had a stateliness
+becoming a person who bore so many names. He spoke to men with so noble
+a disdain, carried his nose so loftily, raised his voice so
+unmercifully, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked with such
+intolerable pride, that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to
+give him a good drubbing. Cunegonde appeared to him the most beautiful
+he had ever met. The first thing he did was to ask whether she was not
+the captain's wife. The manner in which he asked the question alarmed
+Candide; he durst not say she was his wife, because indeed she was not;
+neither durst he say she was his sister, because it was not so; and
+although this obliging lie had been formerly much in favour among the
+ancients, and although it could be useful to the moderns, his soul was
+too pure to betray the truth.
+
+"Miss Cunegonde," said he, "is to do me the honour to marry me, and we
+beseech your excellency to deign to sanction our marriage."
+
+Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
+turning up his moustachios, smiled mockingly, and ordered Captain
+Candide to go and review his company. Candide obeyed, and the Governor
+remained alone with Miss Cunegonde. He declared his passion, protesting
+he would marry her the next day in the face of the church, or otherwise,
+just as should be agreeable to herself. Cunegonde asked a quarter of an
+hour to consider of it, to consult the old woman, and to take her
+resolution.
+
+The old woman spoke thus to Cunegonde:
+
+"Miss, you have seventy-two quarterings, and not a farthing; it is now
+in your power to be wife to the greatest lord in South America, who has
+very beautiful moustachios. Is it for you to pique yourself upon
+inviolable fidelity? You have been ravished by Bulgarians; a Jew and an
+Inquisitor have enjoyed your favours. Misfortune gives sufficient
+excuse. I own, that if I were in your place, I should have no scruple in
+marrying the Governor and in making the fortune of Captain Candide."
+
+While the old woman spoke with all the prudence which age and experience
+gave, a small ship entered the port on board of which were an Alcalde
+and his alguazils, and this was what had happened.
+
+As the old woman had shrewdly guessed, it was a Grey Friar who stole
+Cunegonde's money and jewels in the town of Badajos, when she and
+Candide were escaping. The Friar wanted to sell some of the diamonds to
+a jeweller; the jeweller knew them to be the Grand Inquisitor's. The
+Friar before he was hanged confessed he had stolen them. He described
+the persons, and the route they had taken. The flight of Cunegonde and
+Candide was already known. They were traced to Cadiz. A vessel was
+immediately sent in pursuit of them. The vessel was already in the port
+of Buenos Ayres. The report spread that the Alcalde was going to land,
+and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of my lord the Grand
+Inquisitor. The prudent old woman saw at once what was to be done.
+
+"You cannot run away," said she to Cunegonde, "and you have nothing to
+fear, for it was not you that killed my lord; besides the Governor who
+loves you will not suffer you to be ill-treated; therefore stay."
+
+She then ran immediately to Candide.
+
+"Fly," said she, "or in an hour you will be burnt."
+
+There was not a moment to lose; but how could he part from Cunegonde,
+and where could he flee for shelter?
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+HOW CANDIDE AND CACAMBO WERE RECEIVED BY THE JESUITS OF PARAGUAY.
+
+
+Candide had brought such a valet with him from Cadiz, as one often meets
+with on the coasts of Spain and in the American colonies. He was a
+quarter Spaniard, born of a mongrel in Tucuman; he had been singing-boy,
+sacristan, sailor, monk, pedlar, soldier, and lackey. His name was
+Cacambo, and he loved his master, because his master was a very good
+man. He quickly saddled the two Andalusian horses.
+
+"Come, master, let us follow the old woman's advice; let us start, and
+run without looking behind us."
+
+Candide shed tears.
+
+"Oh! my dear Cunegonde! must I leave you just at a time when the
+Governor was going to sanction our nuptials? Cunegonde, brought to such
+a distance what will become of you?"
+
+"She will do as well as she can," said Cacambo; "the women are never at
+a loss, God provides for them, let us run."
+
+"Whither art thou carrying me? Where shall we go? What shall we do
+without Cunegonde?" said Candide.
+
+"By St. James of Compostella," said Cacambo, "you were going to fight
+against the Jesuits; let us go to fight for them; I know the road well,
+I'll conduct you to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have a
+captain that understands the Bulgarian exercise. You'll make a
+prodigious fortune; if we cannot find our account in one world we shall
+in another. It is a great pleasure to see and do new things."
+
+"You have before been in Paraguay, then?" said Candide.
+
+"Ay, sure," answered Cacambo, "I was servant in the College of the
+Assumption, and am acquainted with the government of the good Fathers as
+well as I am with the streets of Cadiz. It is an admirable government.
+The kingdom is upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter, and divided
+into thirty provinces; there the Fathers possess all, and the people
+nothing; it is a masterpiece of reason and justice. For my part I see
+nothing so divine as the Fathers who here make war upon the kings of
+Spain and Portugal, and in Europe confess those kings; who here kill
+Spaniards, and in Madrid send them to heaven; this delights me, let us
+push forward. You are going to be the happiest of mortals. What pleasure
+will it be to those Fathers to hear that a captain who knows the
+Bulgarian exercise has come to them!"
+
+As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo told the advanced
+guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord the Commandant. Notice
+was given to the main guard, and immediately a Paraguayan officer ran
+and laid himself at the feet of the Commandant, to impart this news to
+him. Candide and Cacambo were disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses
+seized. The strangers were introduced between two files of musketeers;
+the Commandant was at the further end, with the three-cornered cap on
+his head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a spontoon[15] in
+his hand. He beckoned, and straightway the new-comers were encompassed
+by four-and-twenty soldiers. A sergeant told them they must wait, that
+the Commandant could not speak to them, and that the reverend Father
+Provincial does not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in his
+presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.
+
+"And where is the reverend Father Provincial?" said Cacambo.
+
+"He is upon the parade just after celebrating mass," answered the
+sergeant, "and you cannot kiss his spurs till three hours hence."
+
+"However," said Cacambo, "the captain is not a Spaniard, but a German,
+he is ready to perish with hunger as well as myself; cannot we have
+something for breakfast, while we wait for his reverence?"
+
+The sergeant went immediately to acquaint the Commandant with what he
+had heard.
+
+"God be praised!" said the reverend Commandant, "since he is a German, I
+may speak to him; take him to my arbour."
+
+Candide was at once conducted to a beautiful summer-house, ornamented
+with a very pretty colonnade of green and gold marble, and with
+trellises, enclosing parraquets, humming-birds, fly-birds, guinea-hens,
+and all other rare birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels
+of gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden
+dishes, in the open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun, the
+reverend Father Commandant retired to his arbour.
+
+He was a very handsome young man, with a full face, white skin but high
+in colour; he had an arched eyebrow, a lively eye, red ears, vermilion
+lips, a bold air, but such a boldness as neither belonged to a Spaniard
+nor a Jesuit. They returned their arms to Candide and Cacambo, and also
+the two Andalusian horses; to whom Cacambo gave some oats to eat just by
+the arbour, having an eye upon them all the while for fear of a
+surprise.
+
+Candide first kissed the hem of the Commandant's robe, then they sat
+down to table.
+
+"You are, then, a German?" said the Jesuit to him in that language.
+
+"Yes, reverend Father," answered Candide.
+
+As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great
+amazement, and with such an emotion as they could not conceal.
+
+"And from what part of Germany do you come?" said the Jesuit.
+
+"I am from the dirty province of Westphalia," answered Candide; "I was
+born in the Castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh."
+
+"Oh! Heavens! is it possible?" cried the Commandant.
+
+"What a miracle!" cried Candide.
+
+"Is it really you?" said the Commandant.
+
+"It is not possible!" said Candide.
+
+They drew back; they embraced; they shed rivulets of tears.
+
+"What, is it you, reverend Father? You, the brother of the fair
+Cunegonde! You, that was slain by the Bulgarians! You, the Baron's son!
+You, a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world that
+we live in. Oh, Pangloss! Pangloss! how glad you would be if you had not
+been hanged!"
+
+The Commandant sent away the negro slaves and the Paraguayans, who
+served them with liquors in goblets of rock-crystal. He thanked God and
+St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms; and their
+faces were all bathed with tears.
+
+"You will be more surprised, more affected, and transported," said
+Candide, "when I tell you that Cunegonde, your sister, whom you believe
+to have been ripped open, is in perfect health."
+
+"Where?"
+
+"In your neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I was
+going to fight against you."
+
+Every word which they uttered in this long conversation but added wonder
+to wonder. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their
+ears, and sparkled in their eyes. As they were Germans, they sat a good
+while at table, waiting for the reverend Father Provincial, and the
+Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as follows.
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+HOW CANDIDE KILLED THE BROTHER OF HIS DEAR CUNEGONDE.
+
+
+"I shall have ever present to my memory the dreadful day, on which I saw
+my father and mother killed, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians
+retired, my dear sister could not be found; but my mother, my father,
+and myself, with two maid-servants and three little boys all of whom had
+been slain, were put in a hearse, to be conveyed for interment to a
+chapel belonging to the Jesuits, within two leagues of our family seat.
+A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water; it was horribly salt; a few
+drops of it fell into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids
+stirred a little; he put his hand upon my heart and felt it beat. I
+received assistance, and at the end of three weeks I recovered. You
+know, my dear Candide, I was very pretty; but I grew much prettier, and
+the reverend Father Didrie,[16] Superior of that House, conceived the
+tenderest friendship for me; he gave me the habit of the order, some
+years after I was sent to Rome. The Father-General needed new levies of
+young German-Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay admit as few Spanish
+Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations as being more
+subordinate to their commands. I was judged fit by the reverend
+Father-General to go and work in this vineyard. We set out--a Pole, a
+Tyrolese, and myself. Upon my arrival I was honoured with a
+sub-deaconship and a lieutenancy. I am to-day colonel and priest. We
+shall give a warm reception to the King of Spain's troops; I will answer
+for it that they shall be excommunicated and well beaten. Providence
+sends you here to assist us. But is it, indeed, true that my dear sister
+Cunegonde is in the neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres?"
+
+Candide assured him on oath that nothing was more true, and their tears
+began afresh.
+
+The Baron could not refrain from embracing Candide; he called him his
+brother, his saviour.
+
+"Ah! perhaps," said he, "we shall together, my dear Candide, enter the
+town as conquerors, and recover my sister Cunegonde."
+
+"That is all I want," said Candide, "for I intended to marry her, and I
+still hope to do so."
+
+"You insolent!" replied the Baron, "would you have the impudence to
+marry my sister who has seventy-two quarterings! I find thou hast the
+most consummate effrontery to dare to mention so presumptuous a design!"
+
+Candide, petrified at this speech, made answer:
+
+"Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world signify nothing; I
+rescued your sister from the arms of a Jew and of an Inquisitor; she has
+great obligations to me, she wishes to marry me; Master Pangloss always
+told me that all men are equal, and certainly I will marry her."
+
+"We shall see that, thou scoundrel!" said the Jesuit Baron de
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, and that instant struck him across the face with
+the flat of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier, and
+plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's belly; but in pulling it out
+reeking hot, he burst into tears.
+
+"Good God!" said he, "I have killed my old master, my friend, my
+brother-in-law! I am the best-natured creature in the world, and yet I
+have already killed three men, and of these three two were priests."
+
+Cacambo, who stood sentry by the door of the arbour, ran to him.
+
+"We have nothing more for it than to sell our lives as dearly as we
+can," said his master to him, "without doubt some one will soon enter
+the arbour, and we must die sword in hand."
+
+Cacambo, who had been in a great many scrapes in his lifetime, did not
+lose his head; he took the Baron's Jesuit habit, put it on Candide, gave
+him the square cap, and made him mount on horseback. All this was done
+in the twinkling of an eye.
+
+"Let us gallop fast, master, everybody will take you for a Jesuit, going
+to give directions to your men, and we shall have passed the frontiers
+before they will be able to overtake us."
+
+He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish:
+
+"Make way, make way, for the reverend Father Colonel."
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+ADVENTURES OF THE TWO TRAVELLERS, WITH TWO GIRLS, TWO MONKEYS, AND THE
+SAVAGES CALLED OREILLONS.
+
+
+Candide and his valet had got beyond the barrier, before it was known in
+the camp that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken
+care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit, and a few
+bottles of wine. With their Andalusian horses they penetrated into an
+unknown country, where they perceived no beaten track. At length they
+came to a beautiful meadow intersected with purling rills. Here our two
+adventurers fed their horses. Cacambo proposed to his master to take
+some food, and he set him an example.
+
+"How can you ask me to eat ham," said Candide, "after killing the
+Baron's son, and being doomed never more to see the beautiful Cunegonde?
+What will it avail me to spin out my wretched days and drag them far
+from her in remorse and despair? And what will the _Journal of
+Trevoux_[17] say?"
+
+While he was thus lamenting his fate, he went on eating. The sun went
+down. The two wanderers heard some little cries which seemed to be
+uttered by women. They did not know whether they were cries of pain or
+joy; but they started up precipitately with that inquietude and alarm
+which every little thing inspires in an unknown country. The noise was
+made by two naked girls, who tripped along the mead, while two monkeys
+were pursuing them and biting their buttocks. Candide was moved with
+pity; he had learned to fire a gun in the Bulgarian service, and he was
+so clever at it, that he could hit a filbert in a hedge without touching
+a leaf of the tree. He took up his double-barrelled Spanish fusil, let
+it off, and killed the two monkeys.
+
+"God be praised! My dear Cacambo, I have rescued those two poor
+creatures from a most perilous situation. If I have committed a sin in
+killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving
+the lives of these girls. Perhaps they are young ladies of family; and
+this adventure may procure us great advantages in this country."
+
+He was continuing, but stopped short when he saw the two girls tenderly
+embracing the monkeys, bathing their bodies in tears, and rending the
+air with the most dismal lamentations.
+
+"Little did I expect to see such good-nature," said he at length to
+Cacambo; who made answer:
+
+"Master, you have done a fine thing now; you have slain the sweethearts
+of those two young ladies."
+
+"The sweethearts! Is it possible? You are jesting, Cacambo, I can never
+believe it!"
+
+"Dear master," replied Cacambo; "you are surprised at everything. Why
+should you think it so strange that in some countries there are monkeys
+which insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies; they are
+a fourth part human, as I am a fourth part Spaniard."
+
+"Alas!" replied Candide, "I remember to have heard Master Pangloss say,
+that formerly such accidents used to happen; that these mixtures were
+productive of Centaurs, Fauns, and Satyrs; and that many of the ancients
+had seen such monsters, but I looked upon the whole as fabulous."
+
+"You ought now to be convinced," said Cacambo, "that it is the truth,
+and you see what use is made of those creatures, by persons that have
+not had a proper education; all I fear is that those ladies will play us
+some ugly trick."
+
+These sound reflections induced Candide to leave the meadow and to
+plunge into a wood. He supped there with Cacambo; and after cursing the
+Portuguese inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they
+fell asleep on moss. On awaking they felt that they could not move; for
+during the night the Oreillons, who inhabited that country, and to whom
+the ladies had denounced them, had bound them with cords made of the
+bark of trees. They were encompassed by fifty naked Oreillons, armed
+with bows and arrows, with clubs and flint hatchets. Some were making a
+large cauldron boil, others were preparing spits, and all cried:
+
+"A Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged, we shall have excellent
+cheer, let us eat the Jesuit, let us eat him up!"
+
+"I told you, my dear master," cried Cacambo sadly, "that those two girls
+would play us some ugly trick."
+
+Candide seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried:
+
+"We are certainly going to be either roasted or boiled. Ah! what would
+Master Pangloss say, were he to see how pure nature is formed?
+Everything is right, may be, but I declare it is very hard to have lost
+Miss Cunegonde and to be put upon a spit by Oreillons."
+
+Cacambo never lost his head.
+
+"Do not despair," said he to the disconsolate Candide, "I understand a
+little of the jargon of these people, I will speak to them."
+
+"Be sure," said Candide, "to represent to them how frightfully inhuman
+it is to cook men, and how very un-Christian."
+
+"Gentlemen," said Cacambo, "you reckon you are to-day going to feast
+upon a Jesuit. It is all very well, nothing is more unjust than thus to
+treat your enemies. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our
+neighbour, and such is the practice all over the world. If we do not
+accustom ourselves to eating them, it is because we have better fare.
+But you have not the same resources as we; certainly it is much better
+to devour your enemies than to resign to the crows and rooks the fruits
+of your victory. But, gentlemen, surely you would not choose to eat your
+friends. You believe that you are going to spit a Jesuit, and he is your
+defender. It is the enemy of your enemies that you are going to roast.
+As for myself, I was born in your country; this gentleman is my master,
+and, far from being a Jesuit, he has just killed one, whose spoils he
+wears; and thence comes your mistake. To convince you of the truth of
+what I say, take his habit and carry it to the first barrier of the
+Jesuit kingdom, and inform yourselves whether my master did not kill a
+Jesuit officer. It will not take you long, and you can always eat us if
+you find that I have lied to you. But I have told you the truth. You are
+too well acquainted with the principles of public law, humanity, and
+justice not to pardon us."
+
+The Oreillons found this speech very reasonable. They deputed two of
+their principal people with all expedition to inquire into the truth of
+the matter; these executed their commission like men of sense, and soon
+returned with good news. The Oreillons untied their prisoners, showed
+them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshment,
+and reconducted them to the confines of their territories, proclaiming
+with great joy:
+
+"He is no Jesuit! He is no Jesuit!"
+
+Candide could not help being surprised at the cause of his deliverance.
+
+"What people!" said he; "what men! what manners! If I had not been so
+lucky as to run Miss Cunegonde's brother through the body, I should have
+been devoured without redemption. But, after all, pure nature is good,
+since these people, instead of feasting upon my flesh, have shown me a
+thousand civilities, when then I was not a Jesuit."
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+ARRIVAL OF CANDIDE AND HIS VALET AT EL DORADO, AND WHAT THEY SAW THERE.
+
+
+"You see," said Cacambo to Candide, as soon as they had reached the
+frontiers of the Oreillons, "that this hemisphere is not better than the
+others, take my word for it; let us go back to Europe by the shortest
+way."
+
+"How go back?" said Candide, "and where shall we go? to my own country?
+The Bulgarians and the Abares are slaying all; to Portugal? there I
+shall be burnt; and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of
+being spitted. But how can I resolve to quit a part of the world where
+my dear Cunegonde resides?"
+
+"Let us turn towards Cayenne," said Cacambo, "there we shall find
+Frenchmen, who wander all over the world; they may assist us; God will
+perhaps have pity on us."
+
+It was not easy to get to Cayenne; they knew vaguely in which direction
+to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, obstructed them all the
+way. Their horses died of fatigue. Their provisions were consumed; they
+fed a whole month upon wild fruits, and found themselves at last near a
+little river bordered with cocoa trees, which sustained their lives and
+their hopes.
+
+Cacambo, who was as good a counsellor as the old woman, said to Candide:
+
+"We are able to hold out no longer; we have walked enough. I see an
+empty canoe near the river-side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, throw
+ourselves into it, and go with the current; a river always leads to some
+inhabited spot. If we do not find pleasant things we shall at least find
+new things."
+
+"With all my heart," said Candide, "let us recommend ourselves to
+Providence."
+
+They rowed a few leagues, between banks, in some places flowery, in
+others barren; in some parts smooth, in others rugged. The stream ever
+widened, and at length lost itself under an arch of frightful rocks
+which reached to the sky. The two travellers had the courage to commit
+themselves to the current. The river, suddenly contracting at this
+place, whirled them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity. At the end
+of four-and-twenty hours they saw daylight again, but their canoe was
+dashed to pieces against the rocks. For a league they had to creep from
+rock to rock, until at length they discovered an extensive plain,
+bounded by inaccessible mountains. The country was cultivated as much
+for pleasure as for necessity. On all sides the useful was also the
+beautiful. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages of
+a glittering form and substance, in which were men and women of
+surprising beauty, drawn by large red sheep which surpassed in fleetness
+the finest coursers of Andalusia, Tetuan, and Mequinez.[18]
+
+"Here, however, is a country," said Candide, "which is better than
+Westphalia."
+
+He stepped out with Cacambo towards the first village which he saw. Some
+children dressed in tattered brocades played at quoits on the outskirts.
+Our travellers from the other world amused themselves by looking on. The
+quoits were large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a
+singular lustre! The travellers picked a few of them off the ground;
+this was of gold, that of emeralds, the other of rubies--the least of
+them would have been the greatest ornament on the Mogul's throne.
+
+"Without doubt," said Cacambo, "these children must be the king's sons
+that are playing at quoits!"
+
+The village schoolmaster appeared at this moment and called them to
+school.
+
+"There," said Candide, "is the preceptor of the royal family."
+
+The little truants immediately quitted their game, leaving the quoits
+on the ground with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up,
+ran to the master, and presented them to him in a most humble manner,
+giving him to understand by signs that their royal highnesses had
+forgotten their gold and jewels. The schoolmaster, smiling, flung them
+upon the ground; then, looking at Candide with a good deal of surprise,
+went about his business.
+
+The travellers, however, took care to gather up the gold, the rubies,
+and the emeralds.
+
+"Where are we?" cried Candide. "The king's children in this country must
+be well brought up, since they are taught to despise gold and precious
+stones."
+
+Cacambo was as much surprised as Candide. At length they drew near the
+first house in the village. It was built like an European palace. A
+crowd of people pressed about the door, and there were still more in the
+house. They heard most agreeable music, and were aware of a delicious
+odour of cooking. Cacambo went up to the door and heard they were
+talking Peruvian; it was his mother tongue, for it is well known that
+Cacambo was born in Tucuman, in a village where no other language was
+spoken.
+
+"I will be your interpreter here," said he to Candide; "let us go in, it
+is a public-house."
+
+Immediately two waiters and two girls, dressed in cloth of gold, and
+their hair tied up with ribbons, invited them to sit down to table with
+the landlord. They served four dishes of soup, each garnished with two
+young parrots; a boiled condor[19] which weighed two hundred pounds; two
+roasted monkeys, of excellent flavour; three hundred humming-birds in
+one dish, and six hundred fly-birds in another; exquisite ragouts;
+delicious pastries; the whole served up in dishes of a kind of
+rock-crystal. The waiters and girls poured out several liqueurs drawn
+from the sugar-cane.
+
+Most of the company were chapmen and waggoners, all extremely polite;
+they asked Cacambo a few questions with the greatest circumspection, and
+answered his in the most obliging manner.
+
+As soon as dinner was over, Cacambo believed as well as Candide that
+they might well pay their reckoning by laying down two of those large
+gold pieces which they had picked up. The landlord and landlady shouted
+with laughter and held their sides. When the fit was over:
+
+"Gentlemen," said the landlord, "it is plain you are strangers, and such
+guests we are not accustomed to see; pardon us therefore for laughing
+when you offered us the pebbles from our highroads in payment of your
+reckoning. You doubtless have not the money of the country; but it is
+not necessary to have any money at all to dine in this house. All
+hostelries established for the convenience of commerce are paid by the
+government. You have fared but very indifferently because this is a poor
+village; but everywhere else, you will be received as you deserve."
+
+Cacambo explained this whole discourse with great astonishment to
+Candide, who was as greatly astonished to hear it.
+
+"What sort of a country then is this," said they to one another; "a
+country unknown to all the rest of the world, and where nature is of a
+kind so different from ours? It is probably the country where all is
+well; for there absolutely must be one such place. And, whatever Master
+Pangloss might say, I often found that things went very ill in
+Westphalia."
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+WHAT THEY SAW IN THE COUNTRY OF EL DORADO.
+
+
+Cacambo expressed his curiosity to the landlord, who made answer:
+
+"I am very ignorant, but not the worse on that account. However, we have
+in this neighbourhood an old man retired from Court who is the most
+learned and most communicative person in the kingdom."
+
+At once he took Cacambo to the old man. Candide acted now only a second
+character, and accompanied his valet. They entered a very plain house,
+for the door was only of silver, and the ceilings were only of gold, but
+wrought in so elegant a taste as to vie with the richest. The
+antechamber, indeed, was only encrusted with rubies and emeralds, but
+the order in which everything was arranged made amends for this great
+simplicity.
+
+The old man received the strangers on his sofa, which was stuffed with
+humming-birds' feathers, and ordered his servants to present them with
+liqueurs in diamond goblets; after which he satisfied their curiosity
+in the following terms:
+
+"I am now one hundred and seventy-two years old, and I learnt of my late
+father, Master of the Horse to the King, the amazing revolutions of
+Peru, of which he had been an eyewitness. The kingdom we now inhabit is
+the ancient country of the Incas, who quitted it very imprudently to
+conquer another part of the world, and were at length destroyed by the
+Spaniards.
+
+"More wise by far were the princes of their family, who remained in
+their native country; and they ordained, with the consent of the whole
+nation, that none of the inhabitants should ever be permitted to quit
+this little kingdom; and this has preserved our innocence and happiness.
+The Spaniards have had a confused notion of this country, and have
+called it _El Dorado_; and an Englishman, whose name was Sir Walter
+Raleigh, came very near it about a hundred years ago; but being
+surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we have hitherto been
+sheltered from the rapaciousness of European nations, who have an
+inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake
+of which they would murder us to the last man."
+
+The conversation was long: it turned chiefly on their form of
+government, their manners, their women, their public entertainments,
+and the arts. At length Candide, having always had a taste for
+metaphysics, made Cacambo ask whether there was any religion in that
+country.
+
+The old man reddened a little.
+
+"How then," said he, "can you doubt it? Do you take us for ungrateful
+wretches?"
+
+Cacambo humbly asked, "What was the religion in El Dorado?"
+
+The old man reddened again.
+
+"Can there be two religions?" said he. "We have, I believe, the religion
+of all the world: we worship God night and morning."
+
+"Do you worship but one God?" said Cacambo, who still acted as
+interpreter in representing Candide's doubts.
+
+"Surely," said the old man, "there are not two, nor three, nor four. I
+must confess the people from your side of the world ask very
+extraordinary questions."
+
+Candide was not yet tired of interrogating the good old man; he wanted
+to know in what manner they prayed to God in El Dorado.
+
+"We do not pray to Him," said the worthy sage; "we have nothing to ask
+of Him; He has given us all we need, and we return Him thanks without
+ceasing."
+
+Candide having a curiosity to see the priests asked where they were.
+The good old man smiled.
+
+"My friend," said he, "we are all priests. The King and all the heads of
+families sing solemn canticles of thanksgiving every morning,
+accompanied by five or six thousand musicians."
+
+"What! have you no monks who teach, who dispute, who govern, who cabal,
+and who burn people that are not of their opinion?"
+
+"We must be mad, indeed, if that were the case," said the old man; "here
+we are all of one opinion, and we know not what you mean by monks."
+
+During this whole discourse Candide was in raptures, and he said to
+himself:
+
+"This is vastly different from Westphalia and the Baron's castle. Had
+our friend Pangloss seen El Dorado he would no longer have said that the
+castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was the finest upon earth. It is evident
+that one must travel."
+
+After this long conversation the old man ordered a coach and six sheep
+to be got ready, and twelve of his domestics to conduct the travellers
+to Court.
+
+"Excuse me," said he, "if my age deprives me of the honour of
+accompanying you. The King will receive you in a manner that cannot
+displease you; and no doubt you will make an allowance for the customs
+of the country, if some things should not be to your liking."
+
+Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the six sheep flew, and in less
+than four hours they reached the King's palace situated at the extremity
+of the capital. The portal was two hundred and twenty feet high, and one
+hundred wide; but words are wanting to express the materials of which it
+was built. It is plain such materials must have prodigious superiority
+over those pebbles and sand which we call gold and precious stones.
+
+Twenty beautiful damsels of the King's guard received Candide and
+Cacambo as they alighted from the coach, conducted them to the bath, and
+dressed them in robes woven of the down of humming-birds; after which
+the great crown officers, of both sexes, led them to the King's
+apartment, between two files of musicians, a thousand on each side. When
+they drew near to the audience chamber Cacambo asked one of the great
+officers in what way he should pay his obeisance to his Majesty; whether
+they should throw themselves upon their knees or on their stomachs;
+whether they should put their hands upon their heads or behind their
+backs; whether they should lick the dust off the floor; in a word, what
+was the ceremony?
+
+"The custom," said the great officer, "is to embrace the King, and to
+kiss him on each cheek."
+
+Candide and Cacambo threw themselves round his Majesty's neck. He
+received them with all the goodness imaginable, and politely invited
+them to supper.
+
+While waiting they were shown the city, and saw the public edifices
+raised as high as the clouds, the market places ornamented with a
+thousand columns, the fountains of spring water, those of rose water,
+those of liqueurs drawn from sugar-cane, incessantly flowing into the
+great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stone, which
+gave off a delicious fragrancy like that of cloves and cinnamon. Candide
+asked to see the court of justice, the parliament. They told him they
+had none, and that they were strangers to lawsuits. He asked if they had
+any prisons, and they answered no. But what surprised him most and gave
+him the greatest pleasure was the palace of sciences, where he saw a
+gallery two thousand feet long, and filled with instruments employed in
+mathematics and physics.
+
+After rambling about the city the whole afternoon, and seeing but a
+thousandth part of it, they were reconducted to the royal palace, where
+Candide sat down to table with his Majesty, his valet Cacambo, and
+several ladies. Never was there a better entertainment, and never was
+more wit shown at a table than that which fell from his Majesty. Cacambo
+explained the King's _bon-mots_ to Candide, and notwithstanding they
+were translated they still appeared to be _bon-mots_. Of all the things
+that surprised Candide this was not the least.
+
+They spent a month in this hospitable place. Candide frequently said to
+Cacambo:
+
+"I own, my friend, once more that the castle where I was born is nothing
+in comparison with this; but, after all, Miss Cunegonde is not here, and
+you have, without doubt, some mistress in Europe. If we abide here we
+shall only be upon a footing with the rest, whereas, if we return to our
+old world, only with twelve sheep laden with the pebbles of El Dorado,
+we shall be richer than all the kings in Europe. We shall have no more
+Inquisitors to fear, and we may easily recover Miss Cunegonde."
+
+This speech was agreeable to Cacambo; mankind are so fond of roving, of
+making a figure in their own country, and of boasting of what they have
+seen in their travels, that the two happy ones resolved to be no longer
+so, but to ask his Majesty's leave to quit the country.
+
+"You are foolish," said the King. "I am sensible that my kingdom is but
+a small place, but when a person is comfortably settled in any part he
+should abide there. I have not the right to detain strangers. It is a
+tyranny which neither our manners nor our laws permit. All men are free.
+Go when you wish, but the going will be very difficult. It is impossible
+to ascend that rapid river on which you came as by a miracle, and which
+runs under vaulted rocks. The mountains which surround my kingdom are
+ten thousand feet high, and as steep as walls; they are each over ten
+leagues in breadth, and there is no other way to descend them than by
+precipices. However, since you absolutely wish to depart, I shall give
+orders to my engineers to construct a machine that will convey you very
+safely. When we have conducted you over the mountains no one can
+accompany you further, for my subjects have made a vow never to quit the
+kingdom, and they are too wise to break it. Ask me besides anything that
+you please."
+
+"We desire nothing of your Majesty," says Candide, "but a few sheep
+laden with provisions, pebbles, and the earth of this country."
+
+The King laughed.
+
+"I cannot conceive," said he, "what pleasure you Europeans find in our
+yellow clay, but take as much as you like, and great good may it do
+you."
+
+At once he gave directions that his engineers should construct a machine
+to hoist up these two extraordinary men out of the kingdom. Three
+thousand good mathematicians went to work; it was ready in fifteen days,
+and did not cost more than twenty million sterling in the specie of that
+country. They placed Candide and Cacambo on the machine. There were two
+great red sheep saddled and bridled to ride upon as soon as they were
+beyond the mountains, twenty pack-sheep laden with provisions, thirty
+with presents of the curiosities of the country, and fifty with gold,
+diamonds, and precious stones. The King embraced the two wanderers very
+tenderly.
+
+Their departure, with the ingenious manner in which they and their sheep
+were hoisted over the mountains, was a splendid spectacle. The
+mathematicians took their leave after conveying them to a place of
+safety, and Candide had no other desire, no other aim, than to present
+his sheep to Miss Cunegonde.
+
+"Now," said he, "we are able to pay the Governor of Buenos Ayres if Miss
+Cunegonde can be ransomed. Let us journey towards Cayenne. Let us
+embark, and we will afterwards see what kingdom we shall be able to
+purchase."
+
+
+
+
+XIX
+
+WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM AT SURINAM AND HOW CANDIDE GOT ACQUAINTED WITH
+MARTIN.
+
+
+Our travellers spent the first day very agreeably. They were delighted
+with possessing more treasure than all Asia, Europe, and Africa could
+scrape together. Candide, in his raptures, cut Cunegonde's name on the
+trees. The second day two of their sheep plunged into a morass, where
+they and their burdens were lost; two more died of fatigue a few days
+after; seven or eight perished with hunger in a desert; and others
+subsequently fell down precipices. At length, after travelling a hundred
+days, only two sheep remained. Said Candide to Cacambo:
+
+"My friend, you see how perishable are the riches of this world; there
+is nothing solid but virtue, and the happiness of seeing Cunegonde once
+more."
+
+"I grant all you say," said Cacambo, "but we have still two sheep
+remaining, with more treasure than the King of Spain will ever have; and
+I see a town which I take to be Surinam, belonging to the Dutch. We are
+at the end of all our troubles, and at the beginning of happiness."
+
+As they drew near the town, they saw a negro stretched upon the ground,
+with only one moiety of his clothes, that is, of his blue linen drawers;
+the poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand.
+
+"Good God!" said Candide in Dutch, "what art thou doing there, friend,
+in that shocking condition?"
+
+"I am waiting for my master, Mynheer Vanderdendur, the famous merchant,"
+answered the negro.
+
+"Was it Mynheer Vanderdendur," said Candide, "that treated thee thus?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said the negro, "it is the custom. They give us a pair of
+linen drawers for our whole garment twice a year. When we work at the
+sugar-canes, and the mill snatches hold of a finger, they cut off the
+hand; and when we attempt to run away, they cut off the leg; both cases
+have happened to me. This is the price at which you eat sugar in Europe.
+Yet when my mother sold me for ten patagons[20] on the coast of Guinea,
+she said to me: 'My dear child, bless our fetiches, adore them for ever;
+they will make thee live happily; thou hast the honour of being the
+slave of our lords, the whites, which is making the fortune of thy
+father and mother.' Alas! I know not whether I have made their fortunes;
+this I know, that they have not made mine. Dogs, monkeys, and parrots
+are a thousand times less wretched than I. The Dutch fetiches, who have
+converted me, declare every Sunday that we are all of us children of
+Adam--blacks as well as whites. I am not a genealogist, but if these
+preachers tell truth, we are all second cousins. Now, you must agree,
+that it is impossible to treat one's relations in a more barbarous
+manner."
+
+"Oh, Pangloss!" cried Candide, "thou hadst not guessed at this
+abomination; it is the end. I must at last renounce thy optimism."
+
+"What is this optimism?" said Cacambo.
+
+"Alas!" said Candide, "it is the madness of maintaining that everything
+is right when it is wrong."
+
+Looking at the negro, he shed tears, and weeping, he entered Surinam.
+
+The first thing they inquired after was whether there was a vessel in
+the harbour which could be sent to Buenos Ayres. The person to whom they
+applied was a Spanish sea-captain, who offered to agree with them upon
+reasonable terms. He appointed to meet them at a public-house, whither
+Candide and the faithful Cacambo went with their two sheep, and awaited
+his coming.
+
+Candide, who had his heart upon his lips, told the Spaniard all his
+adventures, and avowed that he intended to elope with Miss Cunegonde.
+
+"Then I will take good care not to carry you to Buenos Ayres," said the
+seaman. "I should be hanged, and so would you. The fair Cunegonde is my
+lord's favourite mistress."
+
+This was a thunderclap for Candide: he wept for a long while. At last he
+drew Cacambo aside.
+
+"Here, my dear friend," said he to him, "this thou must do. We have,
+each of us in his pocket, five or six millions in diamonds; you are more
+clever than I; you must go and bring Miss Cunegonde from Buenos Ayres.
+If the Governor makes any difficulty, give him a million; if he will not
+relinquish her, give him two; as you have not killed an Inquisitor, they
+will have no suspicion of you; I'll get another ship, and go and wait
+for you at Venice; that's a free country, where there is no danger
+either from Bulgarians, Abares, Jews, or Inquisitors."
+
+Cacambo applauded this wise resolution. He despaired at parting from so
+good a master, who had become his intimate friend; but the pleasure of
+serving him prevailed over the pain of leaving him. They embraced with
+tears; Candide charged him not to forget the good old woman. Cacambo
+set out that very same day. This Cacambo was a very honest fellow.
+
+Candide stayed some time longer in Surinam, waiting for another captain
+to carry him and the two remaining sheep to Italy. After he had hired
+domestics, and purchased everything necessary for a long voyage, Mynheer
+Vanderdendur, captain of a large vessel, came and offered his services.
+
+"How much will you charge," said he to this man, "to carry me straight
+to Venice--me, my servants, my baggage, and these two sheep?"
+
+The skipper asked ten thousand piastres. Candide did not hesitate.
+
+"Oh! oh!" said the prudent Vanderdendur to himself, "this stranger gives
+ten thousand piastres unhesitatingly! He must be very rich."
+
+Returning a little while after, he let him know that upon second
+consideration, he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty
+thousand piastres.
+
+"Well, you shall have them," said Candide.
+
+"Ay!" said the skipper to himself, "this man agrees to pay twenty
+thousand piastres with as much ease as ten."
+
+He went back to him again, and declared that he could not carry him to
+Venice for less than thirty thousand piastres.
+
+"Then you shall have thirty thousand," replied Candide.
+
+"Oh! oh!" said the Dutch skipper once more to himself, "thirty thousand
+piastres are a trifle to this man; surely these sheep must be laden with
+an immense treasure; let us say no more about it. First of all, let him
+pay down the thirty thousand piastres; then we shall see."
+
+Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth more than
+what the skipper asked for his freight. He paid him in advance. The two
+sheep were put on board. Candide followed in a little boat to join the
+vessel in the roads. The skipper seized his opportunity, set sail, and
+put out to sea, the wind favouring him. Candide, dismayed and stupefied,
+soon lost sight of the vessel.
+
+"Alas!" said he, "this is a trick worthy of the old world!"
+
+He put back, overwhelmed with sorrow, for indeed he had lost sufficient
+to make the fortune of twenty monarchs. He waited upon the Dutch
+magistrate, and in his distress he knocked over loudly at the door. He
+entered and told his adventure, raising his voice with unnecessary
+vehemence. The magistrate began by fining him ten thousand piastres for
+making a noise; then he listened patiently, promised to examine into his
+affair at the skipper's return, and ordered him to pay ten thousand
+piastres for the expense of the hearing.
+
+This drove Candide to despair; he had, indeed, endured misfortunes a
+thousand times worse; the coolness of the magistrate and of the skipper
+who had robbed him, roused his choler and flung him into a deep
+melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented itself before his
+imagination in all its deformity, and his mind was filled with gloomy
+ideas. At length hearing that a French vessel was ready to set sail for
+Bordeaux, as he had no sheep laden with diamonds to take along with him
+he hired a cabin at the usual price. He made it known in the town that
+he would pay the passage and board and give two thousand piastres to any
+honest man who would make the voyage with him, upon condition that this
+man was the most dissatisfied with his state, and the most unfortunate
+in the whole province.
+
+Such a crowd of candidates presented themselves that a fleet of ships
+could hardly have held them. Candide being desirous of selecting from
+among the best, marked out about one-twentieth of them who seemed to be
+sociable men, and who all pretended to merit his preference. He
+assembled them at his inn, and gave them a supper on condition that each
+took an oath to relate his history faithfully, promising to choose him
+who appeared to be most justly discontented with his state, and to
+bestow some presents upon the rest.
+
+They sat until four o'clock in the morning. Candide, in listening to all
+their adventures, was reminded of what the old woman had said to him in
+their voyage to Buenos Ayres, and of her wager that there was not a
+person on board the ship but had met with very great misfortunes. He
+dreamed of Pangloss at every adventure told to him.
+
+"This Pangloss," said he, "would be puzzled to demonstrate his system. I
+wish that he were here. Certainly, if all things are good, it is in El
+Dorado and not in the rest of the world."
+
+At length he made choice of a poor man of letters, who had worked ten
+years for the booksellers of Amsterdam. He judged that there was not in
+the whole world a trade which could disgust one more.
+
+This philosopher was an honest man; but he had been robbed by his wife,
+beaten by his son, and abandoned by his daughter who got a Portuguese to
+run away with her. He had just been deprived of a small employment, on
+which he subsisted; and he was persecuted by the preachers of Surinam,
+who took him for a Socinian. We must allow that the others were at least
+as wretched as he; but Candide hoped that the philosopher would
+entertain him during the voyage. All the other candidates complained
+that Candide had done them great injustice; but he appeased them by
+giving one hundred piastres to each.
+
+
+
+
+XX
+
+WHAT HAPPENED AT SEA TO CANDIDE AND MARTIN.
+
+
+The old philosopher, whose name was Martin, embarked then with Candide
+for Bordeaux. They had both seen and suffered a great deal; and if the
+vessel had sailed from Surinam to Japan, by the Cape of Good Hope, the
+subject of moral and natural evil would have enabled them to entertain
+one another during the whole voyage.
+
+Candide, however, had one great advantage over Martin, in that he always
+hoped to see Miss Cunegonde; whereas Martin had nothing at all to hope.
+Besides, Candide was possessed of money and jewels, and though he had
+lost one hundred large red sheep, laden with the greatest treasure upon
+earth; though the knavery of the Dutch skipper still sat heavy upon his
+mind; yet when he reflected upon what he had still left, and when he
+mentioned the name of Cunegonde, especially towards the latter end of a
+repast, he inclined to Pangloss's doctrine.
+
+"But you, Mr. Martin," said he to the philosopher, "what do you think
+of all this? what are your ideas on moral and natural evil?"
+
+"Sir," answered Martin, "our priests accused me of being a Socinian, but
+the real fact is I am a Manichean."[21]
+
+"You jest," said Candide; "there are no longer Manicheans in the world."
+
+"I am one," said Martin. "I cannot help it; I know not how to think
+otherwise."
+
+"Surely you must be possessed by the devil," said Candide.
+
+"He is so deeply concerned in the affairs of this world," answered
+Martin, "that he may very well be in me, as well as in everybody else;
+but I own to you that when I cast an eye on this globe, or rather on
+this little ball, I cannot help thinking that God has abandoned it to
+some malignant being. I except, always, El Dorado. I scarcely ever knew
+a city that did not desire the destruction of a neighbouring city, nor a
+family that did not wish to exterminate some other family. Everywhere
+the weak execrate the powerful, before whom they cringe; and the
+powerful beat them like sheep whose wool and flesh they sell. A million
+regimented assassins, from one extremity of Europe to the other, get
+their bread by disciplined depredation and murder, for want of more
+honest employment. Even in those cities which seem to enjoy peace, and
+where the arts flourish, the inhabitants are devoured by more envy,
+care, and uneasiness than are experienced by a besieged town. Secret
+griefs are more cruel than public calamities. In a word I have seen so
+much, and experienced so much that I am a Manichean."
+
+"There are, however, some things good," said Candide.
+
+"That may be," said Martin; "but I know them not."
+
+In the middle of this dispute they heard the report of cannon; it
+redoubled every instant. Each took out his glass. They saw two ships in
+close fight about three miles off. The wind brought both so near to the
+French vessel that our travellers had the pleasure of seeing the fight
+at their ease. At length one let off a broadside, so low and so truly
+aimed, that the other sank to the bottom. Candide and Martin could
+plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of the sinking vessel; they
+raised their hands to heaven and uttered terrible outcries, and the next
+moment were swallowed up by the sea.
+
+"Well," said Martin, "this is how men treat one another."
+
+"It is true," said Candide; "there is something diabolical in this
+affair."
+
+While speaking, he saw he knew not what, of a shining red, swimming
+close to the vessel. They put out the long-boat to see what it could
+be: it was one of his sheep! Candide was more rejoiced at the recovery
+of this one sheep than he had been grieved at the loss of the hundred
+laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado.
+
+The French captain soon saw that the captain of the victorious vessel
+was a Spaniard, and that the other was a Dutch pirate, and the very same
+one who had robbed Candide. The immense plunder which this villain had
+amassed, was buried with him in the sea, and out of the whole only one
+sheep was saved.
+
+"You see," said Candide to Martin, "that crime is sometimes punished.
+This rogue of a Dutch skipper has met with the fate he deserved."
+
+"Yes," said Martin; "but why should the passengers be doomed also to
+destruction? God has punished the knave, and the devil has drowned the
+rest."
+
+The French and Spanish ships continued their course, and Candide
+continued his conversation with Martin. They disputed fifteen successive
+days, and on the last of those fifteen days, they were as far advanced
+as on the first. But, however, they chatted, they communicated ideas,
+they consoled each other. Candide caressed his sheep.
+
+"Since I have found thee again," said he, "I may likewise chance to find
+my Cunegonde."
+
+
+
+
+XXI
+
+CANDIDE AND MARTIN, REASONING, DRAW NEAR THE COAST OF FRANCE.
+
+
+At length they descried the coast of France.
+
+"Were you ever in France, Mr. Martin?" said Candide.
+
+"Yes," said Martin, "I have been in several provinces. In some one-half
+of the people are fools, in others they are too cunning; in some they
+are weak and simple, in others they affect to be witty; in all, the
+principal occupation is love, the next is slander, and the third is
+talking nonsense."
+
+"But, Mr. Martin, have you seen Paris?"
+
+"Yes, I have. All these kinds are found there. It is a chaos--a confused
+multitude, where everybody seeks pleasure and scarcely any one finds it,
+at least as it appeared to me. I made a short stay there. On my arrival
+I was robbed of all I had by pickpockets at the fair of St. Germain. I
+myself was taken for a robber and was imprisoned for eight days, after
+which I served as corrector of the press to gain the money necessary for
+my return to Holland on foot. I knew the whole scribbling rabble, the
+party rabble, the fanatic rabble. It is said that there are very polite
+people in that city, and I wish to believe it."
+
+"For my part, I have no curiosity to see France," said Candide. "You may
+easily imagine that after spending a month at El Dorado I can desire to
+behold nothing upon earth but Miss Cunegonde. I go to await her at
+Venice. We shall pass through France on our way to Italy. Will you bear
+me company?"
+
+"With all my heart," said Martin. "It is said that Venice is fit only
+for its own nobility, but that strangers meet with a very good reception
+if they have a good deal of money. I have none of it; you have,
+therefore I will follow you all over the world."
+
+"But do you believe," said Candide, "that the earth was originally a
+sea, as we find it asserted in that large book belonging to the
+captain?"
+
+"I do not believe a word of it," said Martin, "any more than I do of the
+many ravings which have been published lately."
+
+"But for what end, then, has this world been formed?" said Candide.
+
+"To plague us to death," answered Martin.
+
+"Are you not greatly surprised," continued Candide, "at the love which
+these two girls of the Oreillons had for those monkeys, of which I have
+already told you?"
+
+"Not at all," said Martin. "I do not see that that passion was strange.
+I have seen so many extraordinary things that I have ceased to be
+surprised."
+
+"Do you believe," said Candide, "that men have always massacred each
+other as they do to-day, that they have always been liars, cheats,
+traitors, ingrates, brigands, idiots, thieves, scoundrels, gluttons,
+drunkards, misers, envious, ambitious, bloody-minded, calumniators,
+debauchees, fanatics, hypocrites, and fools?"
+
+"Do you believe," said Martin, "that hawks have always eaten pigeons
+when they have found them?"
+
+"Yes, without doubt," said Candide.
+
+"Well, then," said Martin, "if hawks have always had the same character
+why should you imagine that men may have changed theirs?"
+
+"Oh!" said Candide, "there is a vast deal of difference, for free
+will----"
+
+And reasoning thus they arrived at Bordeaux.
+
+
+
+
+XXII
+
+WHAT HAPPENED IN FRANCE TO CANDIDE AND MARTIN.
+
+
+Candide stayed in Bordeaux no longer than was necessary for the selling
+of a few of the pebbles of El Dorado, and for hiring a good chaise to
+hold two passengers; for he could not travel without his Philosopher
+Martin. He was only vexed at parting with his sheep, which he left to
+the Bordeaux Academy of Sciences, who set as a subject for that year's
+prize, "to find why this sheep's wool was red;" and the prize was
+awarded to a learned man of the North, who demonstrated by A plus B
+minus C divided by Z, that the sheep must be red, and die of the rot.
+
+Meanwhile, all the travellers whom Candide met in the inns along his
+route, said to him, "We go to Paris." This general eagerness at length
+gave him, too, a desire to see this capital; and it was not so very
+great a _détour_ from the road to Venice.
+
+He entered Paris by the suburb of St. Marceau, and fancied that he was
+in the dirtiest village of Westphalia.
+
+Scarcely was Candide arrived at his inn, than he found himself attacked
+by a slight illness, caused by fatigue. As he had a very large diamond
+on his finger, and the people of the inn had taken notice of a
+prodigiously heavy box among his baggage, there were two physicians to
+attend him, though he had never sent for them, and two devotees who
+warmed his broths.
+
+"I remember," Martin said, "also to have been sick at Paris in my first
+voyage; I was very poor, thus I had neither friends, devotees, nor
+doctors, and I recovered."
+
+However, what with physic and bleeding, Candide's illness became
+serious. A parson of the neighborhood came with great meekness to ask
+for a bill for the other world payable to the bearer. Candide would do
+nothing for him; but the devotees assured him it was the new fashion. He
+answered that he was not a man of fashion. Martin wished to throw the
+priest out of the window. The priest swore that they would not bury
+Candide. Martin swore that he would bury the priest if he continued to
+be troublesome. The quarrel grew heated. Martin took him by the
+shoulders and roughly turned him out of doors; which occasioned great
+scandal and a law-suit.
+
+Candide got well again, and during his convalescence he had very good
+company to sup with him. They played high. Candide wondered why it was
+that the ace never came to him; but Martin was not at all astonished.
+
+Among those who did him the honours of the town was a little Abbé of
+Perigord, one of those busybodies who are ever alert, officious,
+forward, fawning, and complaisant; who watch for strangers in their
+passage through the capital, tell them the scandalous history of the
+town, and offer them pleasure at all prices. He first took Candide and
+Martin to La Comédie, where they played a new tragedy. Candide happened
+to be seated near some of the fashionable wits. This did not prevent his
+shedding tears at the well-acted scenes. One of these critics at his
+side said to him between the acts:
+
+"Your tears are misplaced; that is a shocking actress; the actor who
+plays with her is yet worse; and the play is still worse than the
+actors. The author does not know a word of Arabic, yet the scene is in
+Arabia; moreover he is a man that does not believe in innate ideas; and
+I will bring you, to-morrow, twenty pamphlets written against him."[22]
+
+"How many dramas have you in France, sir?" said Candide to the Abbé.
+
+"Five or six thousand."
+
+"What a number!" said Candide. "How many good?"
+
+"Fifteen or sixteen," replied the other.
+
+"What a number!" said Martin.
+
+Candide was very pleased with an actress who played Queen Elizabeth in a
+somewhat insipid tragedy[23] sometimes acted.
+
+"That actress," said he to Martin, "pleases me much; she has a likeness
+to Miss Cunegonde; I should be very glad to wait upon her."
+
+The Perigordian Abbé offered to introduce him. Candide, brought up in
+Germany, asked what was the etiquette, and how they treated queens of
+England in France.
+
+"It is necessary to make distinctions," said the Abbé. "In the provinces
+one takes them to the inn; in Paris, one respects them when they are
+beautiful, and throws them on the highway when they are dead."[24]
+
+"Queens on the highway!" said Candide.
+
+"Yes, truly," said Martin, "the Abbé is right. I was in Paris when Miss
+Monime passed, as the saying is, from this life to the other. She was
+refused what people call the _honours of sepulture_--that is to say, of
+rotting with all the beggars of the neighbourhood in an ugly cemetery;
+she was interred all alone by her company at the corner of the Rue de
+Bourgogne, which ought to trouble her much, for she thought nobly."
+
+"That was very uncivil," said Candide.
+
+"What would you have?" said Martin; "these people are made thus. Imagine
+all contradictions, all possible incompatibilities--you will find them
+in the government, in the law-courts, in the churches, in the public
+shows of this droll nation."
+
+"Is it true that they always laugh in Paris?" said Candide.
+
+"Yes," said the Abbé, "but it means nothing, for they complain of
+everything with great fits of laughter; they even do the most detestable
+things while laughing."
+
+"Who," said Candide, "is that great pig who spoke so ill of the piece at
+which I wept, and of the actors who gave me so much pleasure?"
+
+"He is a bad character," answered the Abbé, "who gains his livelihood by
+saying evil of all plays and of all books. He hates whatever succeeds,
+as the eunuchs hate those who enjoy; he is one of the serpents of
+literature who nourish themselves on dirt and spite; he is a
+_folliculaire_."
+
+"What is a _folliculaire_?" said Candide.
+
+"It is," said the Abbé, "a pamphleteer--a Fréron."[25]
+
+Thus Candide, Martin, and the Perigordian conversed on the staircase,
+while watching every one go out after the performance.
+
+"Although I am eager to see Cunegonde again," said Candide, "I should
+like to sup with Miss Clairon, for she appears to me admirable."
+
+The Abbé was not the man to approach Miss Clairon, who saw only good
+company.
+
+"She is engaged for this evening," he said, "but I shall have the honour
+to take you to the house of a lady of quality, and there you will know
+Paris as if you had lived in it for years."
+
+Candide, who was naturally curious, let himself be taken to this lady's
+house, at the end of the Faubourg St. Honoré. The company was occupied
+in playing faro; a dozen melancholy punters held each in his hand a
+little pack of cards; a bad record of his misfortunes. Profound silence
+reigned; pallor was on the faces of the punters, anxiety on that of the
+banker, and the hostess, sitting near the unpitying banker, noticed with
+lynx-eyes all the doubled and other increased stakes, as each player
+dog's-eared his cards; she made them turn down the edges again with
+severe, but polite attention; she showed no vexation for fear of losing
+her customers. The lady insisted upon being called the Marchioness of
+Parolignac. Her daughter, aged fifteen, was among the punters, and
+notified with a covert glance the cheatings of the poor people who
+tried to repair the cruelties of fate. The Perigordian Abbé, Candide and
+Martin entered; no one rose, no one saluted them, no one looked at them;
+all were profoundly occupied with their cards.
+
+"The Baroness of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was more polite," said Candide.
+
+However, the Abbé whispered to the Marchioness, who half rose, honoured
+Candide with a gracious smile, and Martin with a condescending nod; she
+gave a seat and a pack of cards to Candide, who lost fifty thousand
+francs in two deals, after which they supped very gaily, and every one
+was astonished that Candide was not moved by his loss; the servants said
+among themselves, in the language of servants:--
+
+"Some English lord is here this evening."
+
+The supper passed at first like most Parisian suppers, in silence,
+followed by a noise of words which could not be distinguished, then with
+pleasantries of which most were insipid, with false news, with bad
+reasoning, a little politics, and much evil speaking; they also
+discussed new books.
+
+"Have you seen," said the Perigordian Abbé, "the romance of Sieur
+Gauchat, doctor of divinity?"[26]
+
+"Yes," answered one of the guests, "but I have not been able to finish
+it. We have a crowd of silly writings, but all together do not approach
+the impertinence of 'Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity.' I am so satiated with
+the great number of detestable books with which we are inundated that I
+am reduced to punting at faro."
+
+"And the _Mélanges_ of Archdeacon Trublet,[27] what do you say of that?"
+said the Abbé.
+
+"Ah!" said the Marchioness of Parolignac, "the wearisome mortal! How
+curiously he repeats to you all that the world knows! How heavily he
+discusses that which is not worth the trouble of lightly remarking upon!
+How, without wit, he appropriates the wit of others! How he spoils what
+he steals! How he disgusts me! But he will disgust me no longer--it is
+enough to have read a few of the Archdeacon's pages."
+
+There was at table a wise man of taste, who supported the Marchioness.
+They spoke afterwards of tragedies; the lady asked why there were
+tragedies which were sometimes played and which could not be read. The
+man of taste explained very well how a piece could have some interest,
+and have almost no merit; he proved in few words that it was not enough
+to introduce one or two of those situations which one finds in all
+romances, and which always seduce the spectator, but that it was
+necessary to be new without being odd, often sublime and always
+natural, to know the human heart and to make it speak; to be a great
+poet without allowing any person in the piece to appear to be a poet; to
+know language perfectly--to speak it with purity, with continuous
+harmony and without rhythm ever taking anything from sense.
+
+"Whoever," added he, "does not observe all these rules can produce one
+or two tragedies, applauded at a theatre, but he will never be counted
+in the ranks of good writers. There are very few good tragedies; some
+are idylls in dialogue, well written and well rhymed, others political
+reasonings which lull to sleep, or amplifications which repel; others
+demoniac dreams in barbarous style, interrupted in sequence, with long
+apostrophes to the gods, because they do not know how to speak to men,
+with false maxims, with bombastic commonplaces!"
+
+Candide listened with attention to this discourse, and conceived a great
+idea of the speaker, and as the Marchioness had taken care to place him
+beside her, he leaned towards her and took the liberty of asking who was
+the man who had spoken so well.
+
+"He is a scholar," said the lady, "who does not play, whom the Abbé
+sometimes brings to supper; he is perfectly at home among tragedies and
+books, and he has written a tragedy which was hissed, and a book of
+which nothing has ever been seen outside his bookseller's shop
+excepting the copy which he dedicated to me."
+
+"The great man!" said Candide. "He is another Pangloss!"
+
+Then, turning towards him, he said:
+
+"Sir, you think doubtless that all is for the best in the moral and
+physical world, and that nothing could be otherwise than it is?"
+
+"I, sir!" answered the scholar, "I know nothing of all that; I find that
+all goes awry with me; that no one knows either what is his rank, nor
+what is his condition, what he does nor what he ought to do; and that
+except supper, which is always gay, and where there appears to be enough
+concord, all the rest of the time is passed in impertinent quarrels;
+Jansenist against Molinist, Parliament against the Church, men of
+letters against men of letters, courtesans against courtesans,
+financiers against the people, wives against husbands, relatives against
+relatives--it is eternal war."
+
+"I have seen the worst," Candide replied. "But a wise man, who since has
+had the misfortune to be hanged, taught me that all is marvellously
+well; these are but the shadows on a beautiful picture."
+
+"Your hanged man mocked the world," said Martin. "The shadows are
+horrible blots."
+
+"They are men who make the blots," said Candide, "and they cannot be
+dispensed with."
+
+"It is not their fault then," said Martin.
+
+Most of the punters, who understood nothing of this language, drank, and
+Martin reasoned with the scholar, and Candide related some of his
+adventures to his hostess.
+
+After supper the Marchioness took Candide into her boudoir, and made him
+sit upon a sofa.
+
+"Ah, well!" said she to him, "you love desperately Miss Cunegonde of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh?"
+
+"Yes, madame," answered Candide.
+
+The Marchioness replied to him with a tender smile:
+
+"You answer me like a young man from Westphalia. A Frenchman would have
+said, 'It is true that I have loved Miss Cunegonde, but seeing you,
+madame, I think I no longer love her.'"
+
+"Alas! madame," said Candide, "I will answer you as you wish."
+
+"Your passion for her," said the Marchioness, "commenced by picking up
+her handkerchief. I wish that you would pick up my garter."
+
+"With all my heart," said Candide. And he picked it up.
+
+"But I wish that you would put it on," said the lady.
+
+And Candide put it on.
+
+"You see," said she, "you are a foreigner. I sometimes make my Parisian
+lovers languish for fifteen days, but I give myself to you the first
+night because one must do the honours of one's country to a young man
+from Westphalia."
+
+The lady having perceived two enormous diamonds upon the hands of the
+young foreigner praised them with such good faith that from Candide's
+fingers they passed to her own.
+
+Candide, returning with the Perigordian Abbé, felt some remorse in
+having been unfaithful to Miss Cunegonde. The Abbé sympathised in his
+trouble; he had had but a light part of the fifty thousand francs lost
+at play and of the value of the two brilliants, half given, half
+extorted. His design was to profit as much as he could by the advantages
+which the acquaintance of Candide could procure for him. He spoke much
+of Cunegonde, and Candide told him that he should ask forgiveness of
+that beautiful one for his infidelity when he should see her in Venice.
+
+The Abbé redoubled his politeness and attentions, and took a tender
+interest in all that Candide said, in all that he did, in all that he
+wished to do.
+
+"And so, sir, you have a rendezvous at Venice?"
+
+"Yes, monsieur Abbé," answered Candide. "It is absolutely necessary
+that I go to meet Miss Cunegonde."
+
+And then the pleasure of talking of that which he loved induced him to
+relate, according to his custom, part of his adventures with the fair
+Westphalian.
+
+"I believe," said the Abbé, "that Miss Cunegonde has a great deal of
+wit, and that she writes charming letters?"
+
+"I have never received any from her," said Candide, "for being expelled
+from the castle on her account I had not an opportunity for writing to
+her. Soon after that I heard she was dead; then I found her alive; then
+I lost her again; and last of all, I sent an express to her two thousand
+five hundred leagues from here, and I wait for an answer."
+
+The Abbé listened attentively, and seemed to be in a brown study. He
+soon took his leave of the two foreigners after a most tender embrace.
+The following day Candide received, on awaking, a letter couched in
+these terms:
+
+"My very dear love, for eight days I have been ill in this town. I learn
+that you are here. I would fly to your arms if I could but move. I was
+informed of your passage at Bordeaux, where I left faithful Cacambo and
+the old woman, who are to follow me very soon. The Governor of Buenos
+Ayres has taken all, but there remains to me your heart. Come! your
+presence will either give me life or kill me with pleasure."
+
+This charming, this unhoped-for letter transported Candide with an
+inexpressible joy, and the illness of his dear Cunegonde overwhelmed him
+with grief. Divided between those two passions, he took his gold and his
+diamonds and hurried away, with Martin, to the hotel where Miss
+Cunegonde was lodged. He entered her room trembling, his heart
+palpitating, his voice sobbing; he wished to open the curtains of the
+bed, and asked for a light.
+
+"Take care what you do," said the servant-maid; "the light hurts her,"
+and immediately she drew the curtain again.
+
+"My dear Cunegonde," said Candide, weeping, "how are you? If you cannot
+see me, at least speak to me."
+
+"She cannot speak," said the maid.
+
+The lady then put a plump hand out from the bed, and Candide bathed it
+with his tears and afterwards filled it with diamonds, leaving a bag of
+gold upon the easy chair.
+
+In the midst of these transports in came an officer, followed by the
+Abbé and a file of soldiers.
+
+"There," said he, "are the two suspected foreigners," and at the same
+time he ordered them to be seized and carried to prison.
+
+"Travellers are not treated thus in El Dorado," said Candide.
+
+"I am more a Manichean now than ever," said Martin.
+
+"But pray, sir, where are you going to carry us?" said Candide.
+
+"To a dungeon," answered the officer.
+
+Martin, having recovered himself a little, judged that the lady who
+acted the part of Cunegonde was a cheat, that the Perigordian Abbé was a
+knave who had imposed upon the honest simplicity of Candide, and that
+the officer was another knave whom they might easily silence.
+
+Candide, advised by Martin and impatient to see the real Cunegonde,
+rather than expose himself before a court of justice, proposed to the
+officer to give him three small diamonds, each worth about three
+thousand pistoles.
+
+"Ah, sir," said the man with the ivory baton, "had you committed all the
+imaginable crimes you would be to me the most honest man in the world.
+Three diamonds! Each worth three thousand pistoles! Sir, instead of
+carrying you to jail I would lose my life to serve you. There are orders
+for arresting all foreigners, but leave it to me. I have a brother at
+Dieppe in Normandy! I'll conduct you thither, and if you have a diamond
+to give him he'll take as much care of you as I would."
+
+"And why," said Candide, "should all foreigners be arrested?"
+
+"It is," the Perigordian Abbé then made answer, "because a poor beggar
+of the country of Atrébatie[28] heard some foolish things said. This
+induced him to commit a parricide, not such as that of 1610 in the month
+of May,[29] but such as that of 1594 in the month of December,[30] and
+such as others which have been committed in other years and other months
+by other poor devils who had heard nonsense spoken."
+
+The officer then explained what the Abbé meant.
+
+"Ah, the monsters!" cried Candide. "What horrors among a people who
+dance and sing! Is there no way of getting quickly out of this country
+where monkeys provoke tigers? I have seen no bears in my country, but
+_men_ I have beheld nowhere except in El Dorado. In the name of God,
+sir, conduct me to Venice, where I am to await Miss Cunegonde."
+
+"I can conduct you no further than lower Normandy," said the officer.
+
+Immediately he ordered his irons to be struck off, acknowledged himself
+mistaken, sent away his men, set out with Candide and Martin for Dieppe,
+and left them in the care of his brother.
+
+There was then a small Dutch ship in the harbour. The Norman, who by the
+virtue of three more diamonds had become the most subservient of men,
+put Candide and his attendants on board a vessel that was just ready to
+set sail for Portsmouth in England.
+
+This was not the way to Venice, but Candide thought he had made his way
+out of hell, and reckoned that he would soon have an opportunity for
+resuming his journey.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII
+
+CANDIDE AND MARTIN TOUCHED UPON THE COAST OF ENGLAND, AND WHAT THEY SAW
+THERE.
+
+
+"Ah, Pangloss! Pangloss! Ah, Martin! Martin! Ah, my dear Cunegonde, what
+sort of a world is this?" said Candide on board the Dutch ship.
+
+"Something very foolish and abominable," said Martin.
+
+"You know England? Are they as foolish there as in France?"
+
+"It is another kind of folly," said Martin. "You know that these two
+nations are at war for a few acres of snow in Canada,[31] and that they
+spend over this beautiful war much more than Canada is worth. To tell
+you exactly, whether there are more people fit to send to a madhouse in
+one country than the other, is what my imperfect intelligence will not
+permit. I only know in general that the people we are going to see are
+very atrabilious."
+
+Talking thus they arrived at Portsmouth. The coast was lined with crowds
+of people, whose eyes were fixed on a fine man kneeling, with his eyes
+bandaged, on board one of the men of war in the harbour. Four soldiers
+stood opposite to this man; each of them fired three balls at his head,
+with all the calmness in the world; and the whole assembly went away
+very well satisfied.
+
+"What is all this?" said Candide; "and what demon is it that exercises
+his empire in this country?"
+
+He then asked who was that fine man who had been killed with so much
+ceremony. They answered, he was an Admiral.[32]
+
+"And why kill this Admiral?"
+
+"It is because he did not kill a sufficient number of men himself. He
+gave battle to a French Admiral; and it has been proved that he was not
+near enough to him."
+
+"But," replied Candide, "the French Admiral was as far from the English
+Admiral."
+
+"There is no doubt of it; but in this country it is found good, from
+time to time, to kill one Admiral to encourage the others."
+
+Candide was so shocked and bewildered by what he saw and heard, that he
+would not set foot on shore, and he made a bargain with the Dutch
+skipper (were he even to rob him like the Surinam captain) to conduct
+him without delay to Venice.
+
+The skipper was ready in two days. They coasted France; they passed in
+sight of Lisbon, and Candide trembled. They passed through the Straits,
+and entered the Mediterranean. At last they landed at Venice.
+
+"God be praised!" said Candide, embracing Martin. "It is here that I
+shall see again my beautiful Cunegonde. I trust Cacambo as myself. All
+is well, all will be well, all goes as well as possible."
+
+
+
+
+XXIV
+
+OF PAQUETTE AND FRIAR GIROFLÉE.
+
+
+Upon their arrival at Venice, Candide went to search for Cacambo at
+every inn and coffee-house, and among all the ladies of pleasure, but to
+no purpose. He sent every day to inquire on all the ships that came in.
+But there was no news of Cacambo.
+
+"What!" said he to Martin, "I have had time to voyage from Surinam to
+Bordeaux, to go from Bordeaux to Paris, from Paris to Dieppe, from
+Dieppe to Portsmouth, to coast along Portugal and Spain, to cross the
+whole Mediterranean, to spend some months, and yet the beautiful
+Cunegonde has not arrived! Instead of her I have only met a Parisian
+wench and a Perigordian Abbé. Cunegonde is dead without doubt, and there
+is nothing for me but to die. Alas! how much better it would have been
+for me to have remained in the paradise of El Dorado than to come back
+to this cursed Europe! You are in the right, my dear Martin: all is
+misery and illusion."
+
+He fell into a deep melancholy, and neither went to see the opera, nor
+any of the other diversions of the Carnival; nay, he was proof against
+the temptations of all the ladies.
+
+"You are in truth very simple," said Martin to him, "if you imagine that
+a mongrel valet, who has five or six millions in his pocket, will go to
+the other end of the world to seek your mistress and bring her to you to
+Venice. If he find her, he will keep her to himself; if he do not find
+her he will get another. I advise you to forget your valet Cacambo and
+your mistress Cunegonde."
+
+Martin was not consoling. Candide's melancholy increased; and Martin
+continued to prove to him that there was very little virtue or happiness
+upon earth, except perhaps in El Dorado, where nobody could gain
+admittance.
+
+While they were disputing on this important subject and waiting for
+Cunegonde, Candide saw a young Theatin friar in St. Mark's Piazza,
+holding a girl on his arm. The Theatin looked fresh coloured, plump, and
+vigorous; his eyes were sparkling, his air assured, his look lofty, and
+his step bold. The girl was very pretty, and sang; she looked amorously
+at her Theatin, and from time to time pinched his fat cheeks.
+
+"At least you will allow me," said Candide to Martin, "that these two
+are happy. Hitherto I have met with none but unfortunate people in the
+whole habitable globe, except in El Dorado; but as to this pair, I would
+venture to lay a wager that they are very happy."
+
+"I lay you they are not," said Martin.
+
+"We need only ask them to dine with us," said Candide, "and you will see
+whether I am mistaken."
+
+Immediately he accosted them, presented his compliments, and invited
+them to his inn to eat some macaroni, with Lombard partridges, and
+caviare, and to drink some Montepulciano, Lachrymæ Christi, Cyprus and
+Samos wine. The girl blushed, the Theatin accepted the invitation and
+she followed him, casting her eyes on Candide with confusion and
+surprise, and dropping a few tears. No sooner had she set foot in
+Candide's apartment than she cried out:
+
+"Ah! Mr. Candide does not know Paquette again."
+
+Candide had not viewed her as yet with attention, his thoughts being
+entirely taken up with Cunegonde; but recollecting her as she spoke.
+
+"Alas!" said he, "my poor child, it is you who reduced Doctor Pangloss
+to the beautiful condition in which I saw him?"
+
+"Alas! it was I, sir, indeed," answered Paquette. "I see that you have
+heard all. I have been informed of the frightful disasters that befell
+the family of my lady Baroness, and the fair Cunegonde. I swear to you
+that my fate has been scarcely less sad. I was very innocent when you
+knew me. A Grey Friar, who was my confessor, easily seduced me. The
+consequences were terrible. I was obliged to quit the castle some time
+after the Baron had sent you away with kicks on the backside. If a
+famous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I should have died. For
+some time I was this surgeon's mistress, merely out of gratitude. His
+wife, who was mad with jealousy, beat me every day unmercifully; she was
+a fury. The surgeon was one of the ugliest of men, and I the most
+wretched of women, to be continually beaten for a man I did not love.
+You know, sir, what a dangerous thing it is for an ill-natured woman to
+be married to a doctor. Incensed at the behaviour of his wife, he one
+day gave her so effectual a remedy to cure her of a slight cold, that
+she died two hours after, in most horrid convulsions. The wife's
+relations prosecuted the husband; he took flight, and I was thrown into
+jail. My innocence would not have saved me if I had not been
+good-looking. The judge set me free, on condition that he succeeded the
+surgeon. I was soon supplanted by a rival, turned out of doors quite
+destitute, and obliged to continue this abominable trade, which appears
+so pleasant to you men, while to us women it is the utmost abyss of
+misery. I have come to exercise the profession at Venice. Ah! sir, if
+you could only imagine what it is to be obliged to caress indifferently
+an old merchant, a lawyer, a monk, a gondolier, an abbé, to be exposed
+to abuse and insults; to be often reduced to borrowing a petticoat, only
+to go and have it raised by a disagreeable man; to be robbed by one of
+what one has earned from another; to be subject to the extortions of the
+officers of justice; and to have in prospect only a frightful old age, a
+hospital, and a dung-hill; you would conclude that I am one of the most
+unhappy creatures in the world."[33]
+
+Paquette thus opened her heart to honest Candide, in the presence of
+Martin, who said to his friend:
+
+"You see that already I have won half the wager."
+
+Friar Giroflée stayed in the dining-room, and drank a glass or two of
+wine while he was waiting for dinner.
+
+"But," said Candide to Paquette, "you looked so gay and content when I
+met you; you sang and you behaved so lovingly to the Theatin, that you
+seemed to me as happy as you pretend to be now the reverse."
+
+"Ah! sir," answered Paquette, "this is one of the miseries of the trade.
+Yesterday I was robbed and beaten by an officer; yet to-day I must put
+on good humour to please a friar."
+
+Candide wanted no more convincing; he owned that Martin was in the
+right. They sat down to table with Paquette and the Theatin; the repast
+was entertaining; and towards the end they conversed with all
+confidence.
+
+"Father," said Candide to the Friar, "you appear to me to enjoy a state
+that all the world might envy; the flower of health shines in your face,
+your expression makes plain your happiness; you have a very pretty girl
+for your recreation, and you seem well satisfied with your state as a
+Theatin."
+
+"My faith, sir," said Friar Giroflée, "I wish that all the Theatins were
+at the bottom of the sea. I have been tempted a hundred times to set
+fire to the convent, and go and become a Turk. My parents forced me at
+the age of fifteen to put on this detestable habit, to increase the
+fortune of a cursed elder brother, whom God confound. Jealousy, discord,
+and fury, dwell in the convent. It is true I have preached a few bad
+sermons that have brought me in a little money, of which the prior stole
+half, while the rest serves to maintain my girls; but when I return at
+night to the monastery, I am ready to dash my head against the walls of
+the dormitory; and all my fellows are in the same case."
+
+Martin turned towards Candide with his usual coolness.
+
+"Well," said he, "have I not won the whole wager?"
+
+Candide gave two thousand piastres to Paquette, and one thousand to
+Friar Giroflée.
+
+"I'll answer for it," said he, "that with this they will be happy."
+
+"I do not believe it at all," said Martin; "you will, perhaps, with
+these piastres only render them the more unhappy."
+
+"Let that be as it may," said Candide, "but one thing consoles me. I see
+that we often meet with those whom we expected never to see more; so
+that, perhaps, as I have found my red sheep and Paquette, it may well be
+that I shall also find Cunegonde."
+
+"I wish," said Martin, "she may one day make you very happy; but I doubt
+it very much."
+
+"You are very hard of belief," said Candide.
+
+"I have lived," said Martin.
+
+"You see those gondoliers," said Candide, "are they not perpetually
+singing?"
+
+"You do not see them," said Martin, "at home with their wives and brats.
+The Doge has his troubles, the gondoliers have theirs. It is true that,
+all things considered, the life of a gondolier is preferable to that of
+a Doge; but I believe the difference to be so trifling that it is not
+worth the trouble of examining."
+
+"People talk," said Candide, "of the Senator Pococurante, who lives in
+that fine palace on the Brenta, where he entertains foreigners in the
+politest manner. They pretend that this man has never felt any
+uneasiness."
+
+"I should be glad to see such a rarity," said Martin.
+
+Candide immediately sent to ask the Lord Pococurante permission to wait
+upon him the next day.
+
+
+
+
+XXV
+
+THE VISIT TO LORD POCOCURANTE, A NOBLE VENETIAN.
+
+
+Candide and Martin went in a gondola on the Brenta, and arrived at the
+palace of the noble Signor Pococurante. The gardens, laid out with
+taste, were adorned with fine marble statues. The palace was beautifully
+built. The master of the house was a man of sixty, and very rich. He
+received the two travellers with polite indifference, which put Candide
+a little out of countenance, but was not at all disagreeable to Martin.
+
+First, two pretty girls, very neatly dressed, served them with
+chocolate, which was frothed exceedingly well. Candide could not refrain
+from commending their beauty, grace, and address.
+
+"They are good enough creatures," said the Senator. "I make them lie
+with me sometimes, for I am very tired of the ladies of the town, of
+their coquetries, of their jealousies, of their quarrels, of their
+humours, of their pettinesses, of their prides, of their follies, and of
+the sonnets which one must make, or have made, for them. But after all,
+these two girls begin to weary me."
+
+After breakfast, Candide walking into a long gallery was surprised by
+the beautiful pictures. He asked, by what master were the two first.
+
+"They are by Raphael," said the Senator. "I bought them at a great
+price, out of vanity, some years ago. They are said to be the finest
+things in Italy, but they do not please me at all. The colours are too
+dark, the figures are not sufficiently rounded, nor in good relief; the
+draperies in no way resemble stuffs. In a word, whatever may be said, I
+do not find there a true imitation of nature. I only care for a picture
+when I think I see nature itself; and there are none of this sort. I
+have a great many pictures, but I prize them very little."
+
+While they were waiting for dinner Pococurante ordered a concert.
+Candide found the music delicious.
+
+"This noise," said the Senator, "may amuse one for half an hour; but if
+it were to last longer it would grow tiresome to everybody, though they
+durst not own it. Music, to-day, is only the art of executing difficult
+things, and that which is only difficult cannot please long. Perhaps I
+should be fonder of the opera if they had not found the secret of making
+of it a monster which shocks me. Let who will go to see bad tragedies
+set to music, where the scenes are contrived for no other end than to
+introduce two or three songs ridiculously out of place, to show off an
+actress's voice. Let who will, or who can, die away with pleasure at the
+sight of an eunuch quavering the _rôle_ of Cæsar, or of Cato, and
+strutting awkwardly upon the stage. For my part I have long since
+renounced those paltry entertainments which constitute the glory of
+modern Italy, and are purchased so dearly by sovereigns."
+
+Candide disputed the point a little, but with discretion. Martin was
+entirely of the Senator's opinion.
+
+They sat down to table, and after an excellent dinner they went into the
+library. Candide, seeing a Homer magnificently bound, commended the
+virtuoso on his good taste.
+
+"There," said he, "is a book that was once the delight of the great
+Pangloss, the best philosopher in Germany."
+
+"It is not mine," answered Pococurante coolly. "They used at one time to
+make me believe that I took a pleasure in reading him. But that
+continual repetition of battles, so extremely like one another; those
+gods that are always active without doing anything decisive; that Helen
+who is the cause of the war, and who yet scarcely appears in the piece;
+that Troy, so long besieged without being taken; all these together
+caused me great weariness. I have sometimes asked learned men whether
+they were not as weary as I of that work. Those who were sincere have
+owned to me that the poem made them fall asleep; yet it was necessary to
+have it in their library as a monument of antiquity, or like those rusty
+medals which are no longer of use in commerce."
+
+"But your Excellency does not think thus of Virgil?" said Candide.
+
+"I grant," said the Senator, "that the second, fourth, and sixth books
+of his _Æneid_ are excellent, but as for his pious Æneas, his strong
+Cloanthus, his friend Achates, his little Ascanius, his silly King
+Latinus, his bourgeois Amata, his insipid Lavinia, I think there can be
+nothing more flat and disagreeable. I prefer Tasso a good deal, or even
+the soporific tales of Ariosto."
+
+"May I presume to ask you, sir," said Candide, "whether you do not
+receive a great deal of pleasure from reading Horace?"
+
+"There are maxims in this writer," answered Pococurante, "from which a
+man of the world may reap great benefit, and being written in energetic
+verse they are more easily impressed upon the memory. But I care little
+for his journey to Brundusium, and his account of a bad dinner, or of
+his low quarrel between one Rupilius whose words he says were full of
+poisonous filth, and another whose language was imbued with vinegar. I
+have read with much distaste his indelicate verses against old women and
+witches; nor do I see any merit in telling his friend Mæcenas that if he
+will but rank him in the choir of lyric poets, his lofty head shall
+touch the stars. Fools admire everything in an author of reputation. For
+my part, I read only to please myself. I like only that which serves my
+purpose."
+
+Candide, having been educated never to judge for himself, was much
+surprised at what he heard. Martin found there was a good deal of reason
+in Pococurante's remarks.
+
+"Oh! here is Cicero," said Candide. "Here is the great man whom I fancy
+you are never tired of reading."
+
+"I never read him," replied the Venetian. "What is it to me whether he
+pleads for Rabirius or Cluentius? I try causes enough myself; his
+philosophical works seem to me better, but when I found that he doubted
+of everything, I concluded that I knew as much as he, and that I had no
+need of a guide to learn ignorance."
+
+"Ha! here are four-score volumes of the Academy of Sciences," cried
+Martin. "Perhaps there is something valuable in this collection."
+
+"There might be," said Pococurante, "if only one of those rakers of
+rubbish had shown how to make pins; but in all these volumes there is
+nothing but chimerical systems, and not a single useful thing."
+
+"And what dramatic works I see here," said Candide, "in Italian,
+Spanish, and French."
+
+"Yes," replied the Senator, "there are three thousand, and not three
+dozen of them good for anything. As to those collections of sermons,
+which altogether are not worth a single page of Seneca, and those huge
+volumes of theology, you may well imagine that neither I nor any one
+else ever opens them."
+
+Martin saw some shelves filled with English books.
+
+"I have a notion," said he, "that a Republican must be greatly pleased
+with most of these books, which are written with a spirit of freedom."
+
+"Yes," answered Pococurante, "it is noble to write as one thinks; this
+is the privilege of humanity. In all our Italy we write only what we do
+not think; those who inhabit the country of the Cæsars and the
+Antoninuses dare not acquire a single idea without the permission of a
+Dominican friar. I should be pleased with the liberty which inspires the
+English genius if passion and party spirit did not corrupt all that is
+estimable in this precious liberty."
+
+Candide, observing a Milton, asked whether he did not look upon this
+author as a great man.
+
+"Who?" said Pococurante, "that barbarian, who writes a long commentary
+in ten books of harsh verse on the first chapter of Genesis; that coarse
+imitator of the Greeks, who disfigures the Creation, and who, while
+Moses represents the Eternal producing the world by a word, makes the
+Messiah take a great pair of compasses from the armoury of heaven to
+circumscribe His work? How can I have any esteem for a writer who has
+spoiled Tasso's hell and the devil, who transforms Lucifer sometimes
+into a toad and other times into a pigmy, who makes him repeat the same
+things a hundred times, who makes him dispute on theology, who, by a
+serious imitation of Ariosto's comic invention of firearms, represents
+the devils cannonading in heaven? Neither I nor any man in Italy could
+take pleasure in those melancholy extravagances; and the marriage of Sin
+and Death, and the snakes brought forth by Sin, are enough to turn the
+stomach of any one with the least taste, [and his long description of a
+pest-house is good only for a grave-digger]. This obscure, whimsical,
+and disagreeable poem was despised upon its first publication, and I
+only treat it now as it was treated in its own country by
+contemporaries. For the matter of that I say what I think, and I care
+very little whether others think as I do."
+
+Candide was grieved at this speech, for he had a respect for Homer and
+was fond of Milton.
+
+"Alas!" said he softly to Martin, "I am afraid that this man holds our
+German poets in very great contempt."
+
+"There would not be much harm in that," said Martin.
+
+"Oh! what a superior man," said Candide below his breath. "What a great
+genius is this Pococurante! Nothing can please him."
+
+After their survey of the library they went down into the garden, where
+Candide praised its several beauties.
+
+"I know of nothing in so bad a taste," said the master. "All you see
+here is merely trifling. After to-morrow I will have it planted with a
+nobler design."
+
+"Well," said Candide to Martin when they had taken their leave, "you
+will agree that this is the happiest of mortals, for he is above
+everything he possesses."
+
+"But do you not see," answered Martin, "that he is disgusted with all he
+possesses? Plato observed a long while ago that those stomachs are not
+the best that reject all sorts of food."
+
+"But is there not a pleasure," said Candide, "in criticising
+everything, in pointing out faults where others see nothing but
+beauties?"
+
+"That is to say," replied Martin, "that there is some pleasure in having
+no pleasure."
+
+"Well, well," said Candide, "I find that I shall be the only happy man
+when I am blessed with the sight of my dear Cunegonde."
+
+"It is always well to hope," said Martin.
+
+However, the days and the weeks passed. Cacambo did not come, and
+Candide was so overwhelmed with grief that he did not even reflect that
+Paquette and Friar Giroflée did not return to thank him.
+
+
+
+
+XXVI
+
+OF A SUPPER WHICH CANDIDE AND MARTIN TOOK WITH SIX STRANGERS, AND WHO
+THEY WERE.[34]
+
+
+One evening that Candide and Martin were going to sit down to supper
+with some foreigners who lodged in the same inn, a man whose complexion
+was as black as soot, came behind Candide, and taking him by the arm,
+said:
+
+"Get yourself ready to go along with us; do not fail."
+
+Upon this he turned round and saw--Cacambo! Nothing but the sight of
+Cunegonde could have astonished and delighted him more. He was on the
+point of going mad with joy. He embraced his dear friend.
+
+"Cunegonde is here, without doubt; where is she? Take me to her that I
+may die of joy in her company."
+
+"Cunegonde is not here," said Cacambo, "she is at Constantinople."
+
+"Oh, heavens! at Constantinople! But were she in China I would fly
+thither; let us be off."
+
+"We shall set out after supper," replied Cacambo. "I can tell you
+nothing more; I am a slave, my master awaits me, I must serve him at
+table; speak not a word, eat, and then get ready."
+
+Candide, distracted between joy and grief, delighted at seeing his
+faithful agent again, astonished at finding him a slave, filled with the
+fresh hope of recovering his mistress, his heart palpitating, his
+understanding confused, sat down to table with Martin, who saw all these
+scenes quite unconcerned, and with six strangers who had come to spend
+the Carnival at Venice.
+
+Cacambo waited at table upon one of the strangers; towards the end of
+the entertainment he drew near his master, and whispered in his ear:
+
+"Sire, your Majesty may start when you please, the vessel is ready."
+
+On saying these words he went out. The company in great surprise looked
+at one another without speaking a word, when another domestic approached
+his master and said to him:
+
+"Sire, your Majesty's chaise is at Padua, and the boat is ready."
+
+The master gave a nod and the servant went away. The company all stared
+at one another again, and their surprise redoubled. A third valet came
+up to a third stranger, saying:
+
+"Sire, believe me, your Majesty ought not to stay here any longer. I am
+going to get everything ready."
+
+And immediately he disappeared. Candide and Martin did not doubt that
+this was a masquerade of the Carnival. Then a fourth domestic said to a
+fourth master:
+
+"Your Majesty may depart when you please."
+
+Saying this he went away like the rest. The fifth valet said the same
+thing to the fifth master. But the sixth valet spoke differently to the
+sixth stranger, who sat near Candide. He said to him:
+
+"Faith, Sire, they will no longer give credit to your Majesty nor to me,
+and we may perhaps both of us be put in jail this very night. Therefore
+I will take care of myself. Adieu."
+
+The servants being all gone, the six strangers, with Candide and Martin,
+remained in a profound silence. At length Candide broke it.
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "this is a very good joke indeed, but why should
+you all be kings? For me I own that neither Martin nor I is a king."
+
+Cacambo's master then gravely answered in Italian:
+
+"I am not at all joking. My name is Achmet III. I was Grand Sultan many
+years. I dethroned my brother; my nephew dethroned me, my viziers were
+beheaded, and I am condemned to end my days in the old Seraglio. My
+nephew, the great Sultan Mahmoud, permits me to travel sometimes for my
+health, and I am come to spend the Carnival at Venice."
+
+A young man who sat next to Achmet, spoke then as follows:
+
+"My name is Ivan. I was once Emperor of all the Russias, but was
+dethroned in my cradle. My parents were confined in prison and I was
+educated there; yet I am sometimes allowed to travel in company with
+persons who act as guards; and I am come to spend the Carnival at
+Venice."
+
+The third said:
+
+"I am Charles Edward, King of England; my father has resigned all his
+legal rights to me. I have fought in defence of them; and above eight
+hundred of my adherents have been hanged, drawn, and quartered. I have
+been confined in prison; I am going to Rome, to pay a visit to the King,
+my father, who was dethroned as well as myself and my grandfather, and I
+am come to spend the Carnival at Venice."
+
+The fourth spoke thus in his turn:
+
+"I am the King of Poland; the fortune of war has stripped me of my
+hereditary dominions; my father underwent the same vicissitudes; I
+resign myself to Providence in the same manner as Sultan Achmet, the
+Emperor Ivan, and King Charles Edward, whom God long preserve; and I am
+come to the Carnival at Venice."
+
+The fifth said:
+
+"I am King of Poland also; I have been twice dethroned; but Providence
+has given me another country, where I have done more good than all the
+Sarmatian kings were ever capable of doing on the banks of the Vistula;
+I resign myself likewise to Providence, and am come to pass the Carnival
+at Venice."
+
+It was now the sixth monarch's turn to speak:
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "I am not so great a prince as any of you;
+however, I am a king. I am Theodore, elected King of Corsica; I had the
+title of Majesty, and now I am scarcely treated as a gentleman. I have
+coined money, and now am not worth a farthing; I have had two
+secretaries of state, and now I have scarce a valet; I have seen myself
+on a throne, and I have seen myself upon straw in a common jail in
+London. I am afraid that I shall meet with the same treatment here
+though, like your majesties, I am come to see the Carnival at Venice."
+
+The other five kings listened to this speech with generous compassion.
+Each of them gave twenty sequins to King Theodore to buy him clothes and
+linen; and Candide made him a present of a diamond worth two thousand
+sequins.
+
+"Who can this private person be," said the five kings to one another,
+"who is able to give, and really has given, a hundred times as much as
+any of us?"
+
+Just as they rose from table, in came four Serene Highnesses, who had
+also been stripped of their territories by the fortune of war, and were
+come to spend the Carnival at Venice. But Candide paid no regard to
+these newcomers, his thoughts were entirely employed on his voyage to
+Constantinople, in search of his beloved Cunegonde.
+
+
+
+
+XXVII
+
+CANDIDE'S VOYAGE TO CONSTANTINOPLE.
+
+
+The faithful Cacambo had already prevailed upon the Turkish skipper, who
+was to conduct the Sultan Achmet to Constantinople, to receive Candide
+and Martin on his ship. They both embarked after having made their
+obeisance to his miserable Highness.
+
+"You see," said Candide to Martin on the way, "we supped with six
+dethroned kings, and of those six there was one to whom I gave charity.
+Perhaps there are many other princes yet more unfortunate. For my part,
+I have only lost a hundred sheep; and now I am flying into Cunegonde's
+arms. My dear Martin, yet once more Pangloss was right: all is for the
+best."
+
+"I wish it," answered Martin.
+
+"But," said Candide, "it was a very strange adventure we met with at
+Venice. It has never before been seen or heard that six dethroned kings
+have supped together at a public inn."
+
+"It is not more extraordinary," said Martin, "than most of the things
+that have happened to us. It is a very common thing for kings to be
+dethroned; and as for the honour we have had of supping in their
+company, it is a trifle not worth our attention."
+
+No sooner had Candide got on board the vessel than he flew to his old
+valet and friend Cacambo, and tenderly embraced him.
+
+"Well," said he, "what news of Cunegonde? Is she still a prodigy of
+beauty? Does she love me still? How is she? Thou hast doubtless bought
+her a palace at Constantinople?"
+
+"My dear master," answered Cacambo, "Cunegonde washes dishes on the
+banks of the Propontis, in the service of a prince, who has very few
+dishes to wash; she is a slave in the family of an ancient sovereign
+named Ragotsky,[35] to whom the Grand Turk allows three crowns a day in
+his exile. But what is worse still is, that she has lost her beauty and
+has become horribly ugly."
+
+"Well, handsome or ugly," replied Candide, "I am a man of honour, and it
+is my duty to love her still. But how came she to be reduced to so
+abject a state with the five or six millions that you took to her?"
+
+"Ah!" said Cacambo, "was I not to give two millions to Senor Don
+Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
+Governor of Buenos Ayres, for permitting Miss Cunegonde to come away?
+And did not a corsair bravely rob us of all the rest? Did not this
+corsair carry us to Cape Matapan, to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, to
+Petra, to the Dardanelles, to Marmora, to Scutari? Cunegonde and the old
+woman serve the prince I now mentioned to you, and I am slave to the
+dethroned Sultan."
+
+"What a series of shocking calamities!" cried Candide. "But after all, I
+have some diamonds left; and I may easily pay Cunegonde's ransom. Yet it
+is a pity that she is grown so ugly."
+
+Then, turning towards Martin: "Who do you think," said he, "is most to
+be pitied--the Sultan Achmet, the Emperor Ivan, King Charles Edward, or
+I?"
+
+"How should I know!" answered Martin. "I must see into your hearts to be
+able to tell."
+
+"Ah!" said Candide, "if Pangloss were here, he could tell."
+
+"I know not," said Martin, "in what sort of scales your Pangloss would
+weigh the misfortunes of mankind and set a just estimate on their
+sorrows. All that I can presume to say is, that there are millions of
+people upon earth who have a hundred times more to complain of than King
+Charles Edward, the Emperor Ivan, or the Sultan Achmet."
+
+"That may well be," said Candide.
+
+In a few days they reached the Bosphorus, and Candide began by paying a
+very high ransom for Cacambo. Then without losing time, he and his
+companions went on board a galley, in order to search on the banks of
+the Propontis for his Cunegonde, however ugly she might have become.
+
+Among the crew there were two slaves who rowed very badly, and to whose
+bare shoulders the Levantine captain would now and then apply blows from
+a bull's pizzle. Candide, from a natural impulse, looked at these two
+slaves more attentively than at the other oarsmen, and approached them
+with pity. Their features though greatly disfigured, had a slight
+resemblance to those of Pangloss and the unhappy Jesuit and Westphalian
+Baron, brother to Miss Cunegonde. This moved and saddened him. He looked
+at them still more attentively.
+
+"Indeed," said he to Cacambo, "if I had not seen Master Pangloss hanged,
+and if I had not had the misfortune to kill the Baron, I should think it
+was they that were rowing."
+
+At the names of the Baron and of Pangloss, the two galley-slaves uttered
+a loud cry, held fast by the seat, and let drop their oars. The captain
+ran up to them and redoubled his blows with the bull's pizzle.
+
+"Stop! stop! sir," cried Candide. "I will give you what money you
+please."
+
+"What! it is Candide!" said one of the slaves.
+
+"What! it is Candide!" said the other.
+
+"Do I dream?" cried Candide; "am I awake? or am I on board a galley? Is
+this the Baron whom I killed? Is this Master Pangloss whom I saw
+hanged?"
+
+"It is we! it is we!" answered they.
+
+"Well! is this the great philosopher?" said Martin.
+
+"Ah! captain," said Candide, "what ransom will you take for Monsieur de
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, one of the first barons of the empire, and for
+Monsieur Pangloss, the profoundest metaphysician in Germany?"
+
+"Dog of a Christian," answered the Levantine captain, "since these two
+dogs of Christian slaves are barons and metaphysicians, which I doubt
+not are high dignities in their country, you shall give me fifty
+thousand sequins."
+
+"You shall have them, sir. Carry me back at once to Constantinople, and
+you shall receive the money directly. But no; carry me first to Miss
+Cunegonde."
+
+Upon the first proposal made by Candide, however, the Levantine captain
+had already tacked about, and made the crew ply their oars quicker than
+a bird cleaves the air.
+
+Candide embraced the Baron and Pangloss a hundred times.
+
+"And how happened it, my dear Baron, that I did not kill you? And, my
+dear Pangloss, how came you to life again after being hanged? And why
+are you both in a Turkish galley?"
+
+"And it is true that my dear sister is in this country?" said the Baron.
+
+"Yes," answered Cacambo.
+
+"Then I behold, once more, my dear Candide," cried Pangloss.
+
+Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to them; they embraced each other,
+and all spoke at once. The galley flew; they were already in the port.
+Instantly Candide sent for a Jew, to whom he sold for fifty thousand
+sequins a diamond worth a hundred thousand, though the fellow swore to
+him by Abraham that he could give him no more. He immediately paid the
+ransom for the Baron and Pangloss. The latter threw himself at the feet
+of his deliverer, and bathed them with his tears; the former thanked him
+with a nod, and promised to return him the money on the first
+opportunity.
+
+"But is it indeed possible that my sister can be in Turkey?" said he.
+
+"Nothing is more possible," said Cacambo, "since she scours the dishes
+in the service of a Transylvanian prince."
+
+Candide sent directly for two Jews and sold them some more diamonds, and
+then they all set out together in another galley to deliver Cunegonde
+from slavery.
+
+
+
+
+XXVIII
+
+WHAT HAPPENED TO CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, PANGLOSS, MARTIN, ETC.
+
+
+"I ask your pardon once more," said Candide to the Baron, "your pardon,
+reverend father, for having run you through the body."
+
+"Say no more about it," answered the Baron. "I was a little too hasty, I
+own, but since you wish to know by what fatality I came to be a
+galley-slave I will inform you. After I had been cured by the surgeon of
+the college of the wound you gave me, I was attacked and carried off by
+a party of Spanish troops, who confined me in prison at Buenos Ayres at
+the very time my sister was setting out thence. I asked leave to return
+to Rome to the General of my Order. I was appointed chaplain to the
+French Ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been eight days in this
+employment when one evening I met with a young Ichoglan, who was a very
+handsome fellow. The weather was warm. The young man wanted to bathe,
+and I took this opportunity of bathing also. I did not know that it was
+a capital crime for a Christian to be found naked with a young
+Mussulman. A cadi ordered me a hundred blows on the soles of the feet,
+and condemned me to the galleys. I do not think there ever was a greater
+act of injustice. But I should be glad to know how my sister came to be
+scullion to a Transylvanian prince who has taken shelter among the
+Turks."
+
+"But you, my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "how can it be that I behold
+you again?"
+
+"It is true," said Pangloss, "that you saw me hanged. I should have been
+burnt, but you may remember it rained exceedingly hard when they were
+going to roast me; the storm was so violent that they despaired of
+lighting the fire, so I was hanged because they could do no better. A
+surgeon purchased my body, carried me home, and dissected me. He began
+with making a crucial incision on me from the navel to the clavicula.
+One could not have been worse hanged than I was. The executioner of the
+Holy Inquisition was a sub-deacon, and knew how to burn people
+marvellously well, but he was not accustomed to hanging. The cord was
+wet and did not slip properly, and besides it was badly tied; in short,
+I still drew my breath, when the crucial incision made me give such a
+frightful scream that my surgeon fell flat upon his back, and imagining
+that he had been dissecting the devil he ran away, dying with fear, and
+fell down the staircase in his flight. His wife, hearing the noise,
+flew from the next room. She saw me stretched out upon the table with my
+crucial incision. She was seized with yet greater fear than her husband,
+fled, and tumbled over him. When they came to themselves a little, I
+heard the wife say to her husband: 'My dear, how could you take it into
+your head to dissect a heretic? Do you not know that these people always
+have the devil in their bodies? I will go and fetch a priest this minute
+to exorcise him.' At this proposal I shuddered, and mustering up what
+little courage I had still remaining I cried out aloud, 'Have mercy on
+me!' At length the Portuguese barber plucked up his spirits. He sewed up
+my wounds; his wife even nursed me. I was upon my legs at the end of
+fifteen days. The barber found me a place as lackey to a knight of Malta
+who was going to Venice, but finding that my master had no money to pay
+me my wages I entered the service of a Venetian merchant, and went with
+him to Constantinople. One day I took it into my head to step into a
+mosque, where I saw an old Iman and a very pretty young devotee who was
+saying her paternosters. Her bosom was uncovered, and between her
+breasts she had a beautiful bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones,
+ranunculus, hyacinths, and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet; I picked
+it up, and presented it to her with a profound reverence. I was so long
+in delivering it that the Iman began to get angry, and seeing that I was
+a Christian he called out for help. They carried me before the cadi, who
+ordered me a hundred lashes on the soles of the feet and sent me to the
+galleys. I was chained to the very same galley and the same bench as the
+young Baron. On board this galley there were four young men from
+Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks from Corfu, who told
+us similar adventures happened daily. The Baron maintained that he had
+suffered greater injustice than I, and I insisted that it was far more
+innocent to take up a bouquet and place it again on a woman's bosom than
+to be found stark naked with an Ichoglan. We were continually disputing,
+and received twenty lashes with a bull's pizzle when the concatenation
+of universal events brought you to our galley, and you were good enough
+to ransom us."
+
+"Well, my dear Pangloss," said Candide to him, "when you had been
+hanged, dissected, whipped, and were tugging at the oar, did you always
+think that everything happens for the best?"
+
+"I am still of my first opinion," answered Pangloss, "for I am a
+philosopher and I cannot retract, especially as Leibnitz could never be
+wrong; and besides, the pre-established harmony is the finest thing in
+the world, and so is his _plenum_ and _materia subtilis_."
+
+
+
+
+XXIX
+
+HOW CANDIDE FOUND CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN AGAIN.
+
+
+While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and Cacambo were relating
+their several adventures, were reasoning on the contingent or
+non-contingent events of the universe, disputing on effects and causes,
+on moral and physical evil, on liberty and necessity, and on the
+consolations a slave may feel even on a Turkish galley, they arrived at
+the house of the Transylvanian prince on the banks of the Propontis. The
+first objects which met their sight were Cunegonde and the old woman
+hanging towels out to dry.
+
+The Baron paled at this sight. The tender, loving Candide, seeing his
+beautiful Cunegonde embrowned, with blood-shot eyes, withered neck,
+wrinkled cheeks, and rough, red arms, recoiled three paces, seized with
+horror, and then advanced out of good manners. She embraced Candide and
+her brother; they embraced the old woman, and Candide ransomed them
+both.
+
+There was a small farm in the neighbourhood which the old woman
+proposed to Candide to make a shift with till the company could be
+provided for in a better manner. Cunegonde did not know she had grown
+ugly, for nobody had told her of it; and she reminded Candide of his
+promise in so positive a tone that the good man durst not refuse her. He
+therefore intimated to the Baron that he intended marrying his sister.
+
+"I will not suffer," said the Baron, "such meanness on her part, and
+such insolence on yours; I will never be reproached with this scandalous
+thing; my sister's children would never be able to enter the church in
+Germany. No; my sister shall only marry a baron of the empire."
+
+Cunegonde flung herself at his feet, and bathed them with her tears;
+still he was inflexible.
+
+"Thou foolish fellow," said Candide; "I have delivered thee out of the
+galleys, I have paid thy ransom, and thy sister's also; she was a
+scullion, and is very ugly, yet I am so condescending as to marry her;
+and dost thou pretend to oppose the match? I should kill thee again,
+were I only to consult my anger."
+
+"Thou mayest kill me again," said the Baron, "but thou shalt not marry
+my sister, at least whilst I am living."
+
+
+
+
+XXX
+
+THE CONCLUSION.
+
+
+At the bottom of his heart Candide had no wish to marry Cunegonde. But
+the extreme impertinence of the Baron determined him to conclude the
+match, and Cunegonde pressed him so strongly that he could not go from
+his word. He consulted Pangloss, Martin, and the faithful Cacambo.
+Pangloss drew up an excellent memorial, wherein he proved that the Baron
+had no right over his sister, and that according to all the laws of the
+empire, she might marry Candide with her left hand. Martin was for
+throwing the Baron into the sea; Cacambo decided that it would be better
+to deliver him up again to the captain of the galley, after which they
+thought to send him back to the General Father of the Order at Rome by
+the first ship. This advice was well received, the old woman approved
+it; they said not a word to his sister; the thing was executed for a
+little money, and they had the double pleasure of entrapping a Jesuit,
+and punishing the pride of a German baron.
+
+It is natural to imagine that after so many disasters Candide married,
+and living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the
+prudent Cacambo, and the old woman, having besides brought so many
+diamonds from the country of the ancient Incas, must have led a very
+happy life. But he was so much imposed upon by the Jews that he had
+nothing left except his small farm; his wife became uglier every day,
+more peevish and unsupportable; the old woman was infirm and even more
+fretful than Cunegonde. Cacambo, who worked in the garden, and took
+vegetables for sale to Constantinople, was fatigued with hard work, and
+cursed his destiny. Pangloss was in despair at not shining in some
+German university. For Martin, he was firmly persuaded that he would be
+as badly off elsewhere, and therefore bore things patiently. Candide,
+Martin, and Pangloss sometimes disputed about morals and metaphysics.
+They often saw passing under the windows of their farm boats full of
+Effendis, Pashas, and Cadis, who were going into banishment to Lemnos,
+Mitylene, or Erzeroum. And they saw other Cadis, Pashas, and Effendis
+coming to supply the place of the exiles, and afterwards exiled in their
+turn. They saw heads decently impaled for presentation to the Sublime
+Porte. Such spectacles as these increased the number of their
+dissertations; and when they did not dispute time hung so heavily upon
+their hands, that one day the old woman ventured to say to them:
+
+"I want to know which is worse, to be ravished a hundred times by negro
+pirates, to have a buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet among the
+Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an _auto-da-fé_, to be
+dissected, to row in the galleys--in short, to go through all the
+miseries we have undergone, or to stay here and have nothing to do?"
+
+"It is a great question," said Candide.
+
+This discourse gave rise to new reflections, and Martin especially
+concluded that man was born to live either in a state of distracting
+inquietude or of lethargic disgust. Candide did not quite agree to that,
+but he affirmed nothing. Pangloss owned that he had always suffered
+horribly, but as he had once asserted that everything went wonderfully
+well, he asserted it still, though he no longer believed it.
+
+What helped to confirm Martin in his detestable principles, to stagger
+Candide more than ever, and to puzzle Pangloss, was that one day they
+saw Paquette and Friar Giroflée land at the farm in extreme misery. They
+had soon squandered their three thousand piastres, parted, were
+reconciled, quarrelled again, were thrown into gaol, had escaped, and
+Friar Giroflée had at length become Turk. Paquette continued her trade
+wherever she went, but made nothing of it.
+
+"I foresaw," said Martin to Candide, "that your presents would soon be
+dissipated, and only make them the more miserable. You have rolled in
+millions of money, you and Cacambo; and yet you are not happier than
+Friar Giroflée and Paquette."
+
+"Ha!" said Pangloss to Paquette, "Providence has then brought you
+amongst us again, my poor child! Do you know that you cost me the tip of
+my nose, an eye, and an ear, as you may see? What a world is this!"
+
+And now this new adventure set them philosophising more than ever.
+
+In the neighbourhood there lived a very famous Dervish who was esteemed
+the best philosopher in all Turkey, and they went to consult him.
+Pangloss was the speaker.
+
+"Master," said he, "we come to beg you to tell why so strange an animal
+as man was made."
+
+"With what meddlest thou?" said the Dervish; "is it thy business?"
+
+"But, reverend father," said Candide, "there is horrible evil in this
+world."
+
+"What signifies it," said the Dervish, "whether there be evil or good?
+When his highness sends a ship to Egypt, does he trouble his head
+whether the mice on board are at their ease or not?"
+
+"What, then, must we do?" said Pangloss.
+
+"Hold your tongue," answered the Dervish.
+
+"I was in hopes," said Pangloss, "that I should reason with you a little
+about causes and effects, about the best of possible worlds, the origin
+of evil, the nature of the soul, and the pre-established harmony."
+
+At these words, the Dervish shut the door in their faces.
+
+During this conversation, the news was spread that two Viziers and the
+Mufti had been strangled at Constantinople, and that several of their
+friends had been impaled. This catastrophe made a great noise for some
+hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, returning to the little farm, saw
+a good old man taking the fresh air at his door under an orange bower.
+Pangloss, who was as inquisitive as he was argumentative, asked the old
+man what was the name of the strangled Mufti.
+
+"I do not know," answered the worthy man, "and I have not known the name
+of any Mufti, nor of any Vizier. I am entirely ignorant of the event you
+mention; I presume in general that they who meddle with the
+administration of public affairs die sometimes miserably, and that they
+deserve it; but I never trouble my head about what is transacting at
+Constantinople; I content myself with sending there for sale the fruits
+of the garden which I cultivate."
+
+Having said these words, he invited the strangers into his house; his
+two sons and two daughters presented them with several sorts of sherbet,
+which they made themselves, with Kaimak enriched with the candied-peel
+of citrons, with oranges, lemons, pine-apples, pistachio-nuts, and Mocha
+coffee unadulterated with the bad coffee of Batavia or the American
+islands. After which the two daughters of the honest Mussulman perfumed
+the strangers' beards.
+
+"You must have a vast and magnificent estate," said Candide to the Turk.
+
+"I have only twenty acres," replied the old man; "I and my children
+cultivate them; our labour preserves us from three great
+evils--weariness, vice, and want."
+
+Candide, on his way home, made profound reflections on the old man's
+conversation.
+
+"This honest Turk," said he to Pangloss and Martin, "seems to be in a
+situation far preferable to that of the six kings with whom we had the
+honour of supping."
+
+"Grandeur," said Pangloss, "is extremely dangerous according to the
+testimony of philosophers. For, in short, Eglon, King of Moab, was
+assassinated by Ehud; Absalom was hung by his hair, and pierced with
+three darts; King Nadab, the son of Jeroboam, was killed by Baasa; King
+Ela by Zimri; Ahaziah by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings
+Jehoiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were led into captivity. You know how
+perished Croesus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus,
+Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Cæsar, Pompey, Nero, Otho,
+Vitellius, Domitian, Richard II. of England, Edward II., Henry VI.,
+Richard III., Mary Stuart, Charles I., the three Henrys of France, the
+Emperor Henry IV.! You know----"
+
+"I know also," said Candide, "that we must cultivate our garden."
+
+"You are right," said Pangloss, "for when man was first placed in the
+Garden of Eden, he was put there _ut operaretur eum_, that he might
+cultivate it; which shows that man was not born to be idle."
+
+"Let us work," said Martin, "without disputing; it is the only way to
+render life tolerable."
+
+The whole little society entered into this laudable design, according to
+their different abilities. Their little plot of land produced plentiful
+crops. Cunegonde was, indeed, very ugly, but she became an excellent
+pastry cook; Paquette worked at embroidery; the old woman looked after
+the linen. They were all, not excepting Friar Giroflée, of some service
+or other; for he made a good joiner, and became a very honest man.
+
+Pangloss sometimes said to Candide:
+
+"There is a concatenation of events in this best of all possible worlds:
+for if you had not been kicked out of a magnificent castle for love of
+Miss Cunegonde: if you had not been put into the Inquisition: if you had
+not walked over America: if you had not stabbed the Baron: if you had
+not lost all your sheep from the fine country of El Dorado: you would
+not be here eating preserved citrons and pistachio-nuts."
+
+"All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our
+garden."
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] P. 2. The name Pangloss is derived from two Greek words signifying
+"all" and "language."
+
+[2] P. 8. The Abares were a tribe of Tartars settled on the shores of
+the Danube, who later dwelt in part of Circassia.
+
+[3] P. 15. Venereal disease was said to have been first brought from
+Hispaniola, in the West Indies, by some followers of Columbus who were
+later employed in the siege of Naples. From this latter circumstance it
+was at one time known as the Neapolitan disease.
+
+[4] P. 19. The great earthquake of Lisbon happened on the first of
+November, 1755.
+
+[5] P. 20. Such was the aversion of the Japanese to the Christian faith
+that they compelled Europeans trading with their islands to trample on
+the cross, renounce all marks of Christianity, and swear that it was not
+their religion. See chap. xi. of the voyage to Laputa in Swift's
+_Gulliver's Travels_.
+
+[6] P. 23. This _auto-da-fé_ actually took place, some months after the
+earthquake, on June 20, 1756.
+
+[7] P. 23. The rejection of bacon convicting them, of course, of being
+Jews, and therefore fitting victims for an _auto-da-fé_.
+
+[8] P. 24. The _San-benito_ was a kind of loose over-garment painted
+with flames, figures of devils, the victim's own portrait, etc., worn by
+persons condemned to death by the Inquisition when going to the stake on
+the occasion of an _auto-da-fé_. Those who expressed repentance for
+their errors wore a garment of the same kind covered with flames
+directed downwards, while that worn by Jews, sorcerers, and renegades
+bore a St. Andrew's cross before and behind.
+
+[9] P. 26. "This Notre-Dame is of wood; every year she weeps on the day
+of her _fête_, and the people weep also. One day the preacher, seeing a
+carpenter with dry eyes, asked him how it was that he did not dissolve
+in tears when the Holy Virgin wept. 'Ah, my reverend father,' replied
+he, 'it is I who refastened her in her niche yesterday. I drove three
+great nails through her behind; it is then she would have wept if she
+had been able.'"--Voltaire, _Mélanges_.
+
+[10] P. 42. The following posthumous note of Voltaire's was first added
+to M. Beuchot's edition of his works issued in 1829; "See the extreme
+discretion of the author; there has not been up to the present any Pope
+named Urban X.; he feared to give a bastard to a known Pope. What
+circumspection! What delicacy of conscience!" The last Pope Urban was
+the eighth, and he died in 1644.
+
+[11] P. 45. Muley-Ismael was Emperor of Morocco from 1672 to 1727, and
+was a notoriously cruel tyrant.
+
+[12] P. 47. "Oh, what a misfortune to be an eunuch!"
+
+[13] P. 48. Carlo Broschi, called Farinelli, an Italian singer, born at
+Naples in 1705, without being exactly Minister, governed Spain under
+Ferdinand VI.; he died in 1782. He has been made one of the chief
+persons in one of the comic operas of MM. Auber and Scribe.
+
+[14] P. 53. Jean Robeck, a Swede, who was born in 1672, will be found
+mentioned in Rousseau's _Nouvelle Héloïse_. He drowned himself in the
+Weser at Bremen in 1729, and was the author of a Latin treatise on
+voluntary death, first printed in 1735.
+
+[15] P. 60. A spontoon was a kind of half-pike, a military weapon
+carried by officers of infantry and used as a medium for signalling
+orders to the regiment.
+
+[16] P. 64. Later Voltaire substituted the name of the Father Croust for
+that of Didrie. Of Croust he said in the _Dictionnaire Philosophique_
+that he was "the most brutal of the Society."
+
+[17] P. 68. By the _Journal of Trevoux_ Voltaire meant a critical
+periodical printed by the Jesuits at Trevoux under the title of
+_Mémoires pour servir à l'Historie des Sciences et des Beaux-Arts_. It
+existed from 1701 until 1767, during which period its title underwent
+many changes.
+
+[18] P. 76. It has been suggested that Voltaire, in speaking of red
+sheep, referred to the llama, a South American ruminant allied to the
+camel. These animals are sometimes of a reddish colour, and were notable
+as pack-carriers and for their fleetness.
+
+[19] P. 78. The first English translator curiously gives "a tourene of
+bouilli that weighed two hundred pounds," as the equivalent of "_un
+contour bouilli qui pesait deux cent livres_." The French editor of the
+1869 reprint points out that the South American vulture, or condor, is
+meant; the name of this bird, it may be added, is taken from "_cuntur_,"
+that given it by the aborigines.
+
+[20] P. 90. Spanish half-crowns.
+
+[21] P. 99. _Socinians_; followers of the teaching of Lalius and Faustus
+Socinus (16th century), which denied the doctrine of the Trinity, the
+deity of Christ, the personality of the devil, the native and total
+depravity of man, the vicarious atonement and eternal punishment. The
+Socinians are now represented by the Unitarians. _Manicheans_; followers
+of Manes or Manichæus (3rd century), a Persian who maintained that there
+are two principles, the one good and the other evil, each equally
+powerful in the government of the world.
+
+[22] P. 107. In the 1759 editions, in place of the long passage in
+brackets from here to page 215, there was only the following: "'Sir,'
+said the Perigordian Abbé to him, 'have you noticed that young person
+who has so roguish a face and so fine a figure? You may have her for ten
+thousand francs a month, and fifty thousand crowns in diamonds.' 'I have
+only a day or two to give her,' answered Candide, 'because I have a
+rendezvous at Venice.' In the evening after supper the insinuating
+Perigordian redoubled his politeness and attentions."
+
+[23] P. 108. The play referred to is supposed to be "Le Comte d'Essex,"
+by Thomas Corneille.
+
+[24] P. 108. In France actors were at one time looked upon as
+excommunicated persons, not worthy of burial in holy ground or with
+Christian rites. In 1730 the "honours of sepulture" were refused to
+Mademoiselle Lecouvreur (doubtless the Miss Monime of this passage).
+Voltaire's miscellaneous works contain a paper on the matter.
+
+[25] P. 109. Élie-Catherine Fréron was a French critic (1719-1776) who
+incurred the enmity of Voltaire. In 1752 Fréron, in _Lettres sur
+quelques écrits du temps_, wrote pointedly of Voltaire as one who chose
+to be all things to all men, and Voltaire retaliated by references such
+as these in _Candide_.
+
+[26] P. 111. Gabriel Gauchat (1709-1779), French ecclesiastical writer,
+was author of a number of works on religious subjects.
+
+[27] P. 112. Nicholas Charles Joseph Trublet (1697-1770) was a French
+writer whose criticism of Voltaire was revenged in passages such as this
+one in _Candide_, and one in the _Pauvre Diable_ beginning:
+
+    L'abbé Trublet avait alors le rage
+    D'être à Paris un petit personage.
+
+[28] P. 120. Damiens, who attempted the life of Louis XV. in 1757, was
+born at Arras, capital of Artois (Atrébatie).
+
+[29] P. 120. On May 14, 1610, Ravaillac assassinated Henry VI.
+
+[30] P. 120. On December 27, 1594, Jean Châtel attempted to assassinate
+Henry IV.
+
+[31] P. 122. This same curiously inept criticism of the war which cost
+France her American provinces occurs in Voltaire's _Memoirs_, wherein he
+says, "In 1756 England made a piratical war upon France for some acres
+of snow." See also his _Précis du Siècle de Louis_ XV.
+
+[32] P. 123. Admiral Byng was shot on March 14, 1757.
+
+[33] P. 129. Commenting upon this passage, M. Sarcey says admirably:
+"All is there! In those ten lines Voltaire has gathered all the griefs
+and all the terrors of these creatures; the picture is admirable for its
+truth and power! But do you not feel the pity and sympathy of the
+painter? Here irony becomes sad, and in a way an avenger. Voltaire cries
+out with horror against the society which throws some of its members
+into such an abyss. He has his 'Bartholomew' fever; we tremble with him
+through contagion."
+
+[34] P. 142. The following particulars of the six monarchs may prove not
+uninteresting. Achmet III. (_b._ 1673, _d._ 1739) was dethroned in 1730.
+Ivan VI. (_b._ 1740, _d._ 1762) was dethroned in 1741. Charles Edward
+Stuart, the Pretender (_b._ 1720, _d._ 1788). Auguste III. (_b._ 1696,
+_d._ 1763). Stanislaus (_b._ 1682, _d._ 1766). Theodore (_b._ 1690, _d._
+1755). It will be observed that, although quite impossible for the six
+kings ever to have met, five of them might have been made to do so
+without any anachronism.
+
+[35] P. 149. François Leopold Ragotsky (1676-1735).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Typographical errors corrected in text:                    |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Page xiv: Chapter XIII heading in Table of Contents        |
+    | amended to match chapter heading on page 54.               |
+    | Page 2: metaphysicotheo-logico-cosmolo-nigology            |
+    | amended to metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology.        |
+    | Page 158: Liebnitz amended to Leibnitz.                    |
+    | Page 168: perserved amended to preserved.                  |
+    | Page 172: rougish amended to roguish; crows amended to     |
+    | crowns.                                                    |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Where there is an equal number of instances of a word      |
+    | being hyphenated and unhyphenated, both versions           |
+    | of the word have been retained: dung-hill/dunghill;        |
+    | and new-comers/newcomers.                                  |
+    |                                                            |
+    | A single footnote on page 90 has been moved                |
+    | to the endnotes, and the notes numbers re-indexed. A       |
+    | page reference was added to the moved footnote to          |
+    | match the format of other endnotes.                        |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Modern Library blurb: "mail complete list of titles" left  |
+    | as is.                                                     |
+    |                                                            |
+    | There are two instances of Massa Carara (pp. 43 and 45)    |
+    | and one instance of Massa-Carrara (page ix). As this       |
+    | latter is in the Introduction, i.e. distinct from the book |
+    | proper, it has been retained.                              |
+    |                                                            |
+    | The different spellings of Cunégonde (which occurs only    |
+    | in the Introduction) and Robeck (which occurs in the       |
+    | Notes [p. 170]; spelt Robek in the text [p. 53]) have      |
+    | been retained for the same reason.                         |
+    |                                                            |
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Candide, by Voltaire
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Candide, by Voltaire
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Candide
+
+Author: Voltaire
+
+Commentator: Philip Littell
+
+Release Date: November 27, 2006 [EBook #19942]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CANDIDE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chuck Greif, Fox in the Stars and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
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+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="bbox">
+<h3>Transcriber's Note:</h3>
+<p>Obvious typographical errors have been corrected in
+this text. For a complete list, please see <a href="#TN">the bottom of
+this document.</a></p></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3>THE MODERN LIBRARY</h3>
+<h4>OF THE WORLD'S BEST BOOKS</h4>
+
+
+
+<h3>CANDIDE BY VOLTAIRE</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Publishers will be glad to mail complete list of titles
+in the Modern Library. The list is representative of the
+Great Moderns and is one of the most important contributions
+to publishing that has been made for many years. Every
+reader of books will find titles he needs at a low price in
+an attractive form.</p></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 272px;">
+<a href="images/001.jpg"><img src="images/001_th.jpg" alt="Voltaire." title="" /></a>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<h1>CANDIDE</h1>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">By</span> VOLTAIRE</h2>
+
+<h4>INTRODUCTION BY PHILIP LITTELL</h4>
+
+<h5>BONI AND LIVERIGHT, INC.<br/>
+PUBLISHERS NEW YORK</h5>
+
+<p class="center">Copyright, 1918, by<br />
+<span class="smcap">Boni &amp; Liveright, Inc.</span><br />
+Printed in the United States of America
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+
+
+<p>Ever since 1759, when Voltaire wrote "Candide" in ridicule of the notion
+that this is the best of all possible worlds, this world has been a
+gayer place for readers. Voltaire wrote it in three days, and five or
+six generations have found that its laughter does not grow old.</p>
+
+<p>"Candide" has not aged. Yet how different the book would have looked if
+Voltaire had written it a hundred and fifty years later than 1759. It
+would have been, among other things, a book of sights and sounds. A
+modern writer would have tried to catch and fix in words some of those
+Atlantic changes which broke the Atlantic monotony of that voyage from
+Cadiz to Buenos Ayres. When Martin and Candide were sailing the length
+of the Mediterranean we should have had a contrast between naked scarped
+Balearic cliffs and headlands of Calabria in their mists. We should have
+had quarter distances, far horizons, the altering silhouettes of an
+Ionian island. Colored birds would have filled Paraguay with their
+silver or acid cries.</p>
+
+<p>Dr. Pangloss, to prove the existence of design in the universe, says
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span>that noses were made to carry spectacles, and so we have spectacles. A
+modern satirist would not try to paint with Voltaire's quick brush the
+doctrine that he wanted to expose. And he would choose a more
+complicated doctrine than Dr. Pangloss's optimism, would study it more
+closely, feel his destructive way about it with a more learned and
+caressing malice. His attack, stealthier, more flexible and more patient
+than Voltaire's, would call upon us, especially when his learning got a
+little out of control, to be more than patient. Now and then he would
+bore us. "Candide" never bored anybody except William Wordsworth.</p>
+
+<p>Voltaire's men and women point his case against optimism by starting
+high and falling low. A modern could not go about it after this fashion.
+He would not plunge his people into an unfamiliar misery. He would just
+keep them in the misery they were born to.</p>
+
+<p>But such an account of Voltaire's procedure is as misleading as the
+plaster cast of a dance. Look at his procedure again. Mademoiselle
+Cun&eacute;gonde, the illustrious Westphalian, sprung from a family that could
+prove seventy-one quarterings, descends and descends until we find her
+earning her keep by washing dishes in the Propontis. The aged faithful
+attendant, victim of a hundred acts of rape by negro pirates, remembers
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span>that she is the daughter of a pope, and that in honor of her
+approaching marriage with a Prince of Massa-Carrara all Italy wrote
+sonnets of which not one was passable. We do not need to know French
+literature before Voltaire in order to feel, although the lurking parody
+may escape us, that he is poking fun at us and at himself. His laughter
+at his own methods grows more unmistakable at the last, when he
+caricatures them by casually assembling six fallen monarchs in an inn at
+Venice.</p>
+
+<p>A modern assailant of optimism would arm himself with social pity. There
+is no social pity in "Candide." Voltaire, whose light touch on familiar
+institutions opens them and reveals their absurdity, likes to remind us
+that the slaughter and pillage and murder which Candide witnessed among
+the Bulgarians was perfectly regular, having been conducted according to
+the laws and usages of war. Had Voltaire lived to-day he would have done
+to poverty what he did to war. Pitying the poor, he would have shown us
+poverty as a ridiculous anachronism, and both the ridicule and the pity
+would have expressed his indignation.</p>
+
+<p>Almost any modern, essaying a philosophic tale, would make it long.
+"Candide" is only a "Hamlet" and a half long. It would hardly have been
+shorter if Voltaire had spent three months on it, instead of those three
+days. A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[Pg x]</a></span> conciseness to be matched in English by nobody except Pope, who
+can say a plagiarizing enemy "steals much, spends little, and has
+nothing left," a conciseness which Pope toiled and sweated for, came as
+easy as wit to Voltaire. He can afford to be witty, parenthetically, by
+the way, prodigally, without saving, because he knows there is more wit
+where that came from.</p>
+
+<p>One of Max Beerbohm's cartoons shows us the young Twentieth Century
+going at top speed, and watched by two of his predecessors. Underneath
+is this legend: "The Grave Misgivings of the Nineteenth Century, and the
+Wicked Amusement of the Eighteenth, in Watching the Progress (or
+whatever it is) of the Twentieth." This Eighteenth Century snuff-taking
+and malicious, is like Voltaire, who nevertheless must know, if he
+happens to think of it, that not yet in the Twentieth Century, not for
+all its speed mania, has any one come near to equalling the speed of a
+prose tale by Voltaire. "Candide" is a full book. It is filled with
+mockery, with inventiveness, with things as concrete as things to eat
+and coins, it has time for the neatest intellectual clickings, it is
+never hurried, and it moves with the most amazing rapidity. It has the
+rapidity of high spirits playing a game. The dry high spirits of this
+destroyer of optimism make most optimists look damp and depressed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[Pg xi]</a></span>
+Contemplation of the stupidity which deems happiness possible almost
+made Voltaire happy. His attack on optimism is one of the gayest books
+in the world. Gaiety has been scattered everywhere up and down its pages
+by Voltaire's lavish hand, by his thin fingers.</p>
+
+<p>Many propagandist satirical books have been written with "Candide" in
+mind, but not too many. To-day, especially, when new faiths are changing
+the structure of the world, faiths which are still plastic enough to be
+deformed by every disciple, each disciple for himself, and which have
+not yet received the final deformation known as universal acceptance,
+to-day "Candide" is an inspiration to every narrative satirist who hates
+one of these new faiths, or hates every interpretation of it but his
+own. Either hatred will serve as a motive to satire.</p>
+
+<p>That is why the present is one of the right moments to republish
+"Candide." I hope it will inspire younger men and women, the only ones
+who can be inspired, to have a try at Theodore, or Militarism; Jane, or
+Pacifism; at So-and-So, the Pragmatist or the Freudian. And I hope, too,
+that they will without trying hold their pens with an eighteenth century
+lightness, not inappropriate to a philosophic tale. In Voltaire's
+fingers, as Anatole France has said, the pen runs and laughs.</p>
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Philip Littell.</span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[Pg xii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[Pg xiii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Table of Contents">
+<tr><td align='right'>CHAPTER</td><td align='left'></td><td align='right'>PAGE</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>I.</td><td align='left'>How Candide was brought up in a Magnificent Castle, and how he was expelled thence</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>II.</td><td align='left'>What became of Candide among the Bulgarians</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_5">5</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>III.</td><td align='left'>How Candide made his escape from the Bulgarians, and what afterwards became of him</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_9">9</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>IV.</td><td align='left'>How Candide found his old Master Pangloss, and what happened to them</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>V.</td><td align='left'>Tempest, Shipwreck, Earthquake, and what became of Doctor Pangloss, Candide, and James the Anabaptist</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_18">18</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>VI.</td><td align='left'>How the Portuguese made a Beautiful Auto-da-f&eacute;, to prevent any further Earthquakes: and how Candide was publicly whipped</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>VII.</td><td align='left'>How the Old Woman took care of Candide, and how he found the Object he loved</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_26">26</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>VIII.</td><td align='left'>The History of Cunegonde</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_30">30</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>IX.</td><td align='left'>What became of Cunegonde, Candide, the Grand Inquisitor, and the Jew</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_35">35</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[Pg xiv]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan='3'></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>X.</td><td align='left'>In what distress Candide, Cunegonde, and the Old Woman arrived at Cadiz; and of their Embarkation</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_38">38</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XI.</td><td align='left'>History of the Old Woman</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XII.</td><td align='left'>The Adventures of the Old Woman continued</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XIII.</td><td align='left'>How Candide was forced away from his fair Cunegonde and the Old Woman</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_54">54</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XIV.</td><td align='left'>How Candide and Cacambo were received by the Jesuits of Paraguay</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XV.</td><td align='left'>How Candide killed the brother of his dear Cunegonde</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_64">64</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XVI.</td><td align='left'>Adventures of the Two Travellers, with Two Girls, Two Monkeys, and the Savages called Oreillons</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_68">68</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XVII.</td><td align='left'>Arrival of Candide and his Valet at El Dorado, and what they saw there</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XVIII.</td><td align='left'>What they saw in the Country of El Dorado</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_80">80</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XIX.</td><td align='left'>What happened to them at Surinam and how Candide got acquainted with Martin</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_89">89</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XX.</td><td align='left'>What happened at Sea to Candide and Martin</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXI.</td><td align='left'>Candide and Martin, reasoning, draw near the Coast of France</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_102">102</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xv" id="Page_xv">[Pg xv]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXII.</td><td align='left'>What happened in France to Candide and Martin</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_105">105</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXIII.</td><td align='left'>Candide and Martin touched upon the Coast of England, and what they saw there</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXIV.</td><td align='left'>Of Paquette and Friar Girofl&eacute;e</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_125">125</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXV.</td><td align='left'>The Visit to Lord Pococurante, a Noble Venetian</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_133">133</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXVI.</td><td align='left'>Of a Supper which Candide and Martin took with Six Strangers, and who they were</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_142">142</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXVII.</td><td align='left'>Candide's Voyage to Constantinople</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_148">148</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXVIII.</td><td align='left'>What happened to Candide, Cunegonde, Pangloss, Martin, etc.</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_154">154</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXIX.</td><td align='left'>How Candide found Cunegonde and the Old Woman again</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XXX. </td><td align='left'>The Conclusion</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_161">161</a></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xvi" id="Page_xvi">[Pg xvi]</a></span></p>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xvii" id="Page_xvii">[Pg xvii]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/002.jpg"><img src="images/002_th.jpg" alt="VOLTAIRE&#39;S CANDIDE" title="" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xviii" id="Page_xviii">[Pg xviii]</a></span><br /></p>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CANDIDE</h2>
+
+
+<h2>I</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE WAS BROUGHT UP IN A MAGNIFICENT CASTLE, AND HOW HE WAS
+EXPELLED THENCE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>In a castle of Westphalia, belonging to the Baron of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, lived a youth, whom nature had endowed with the
+most gentle manners. His countenance was a true picture of his soul. He
+combined a true judgment with simplicity of spirit, which was the
+reason, I apprehend, of his being called Candide. The old servants of
+the family suspected him to have been the son of the Baron's sister, by
+a good, honest gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady would
+never marry because he had been able to prove only seventy-one
+quarterings, the rest of his genealogical tree having been lost through
+the injuries of time.</p>
+
+<p>The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his
+castle had not only a gate, but windows. His great hall, even, was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> hung
+with tapestry. All the dogs of his farm-yards formed a pack of hounds at
+need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curate of the village was
+his grand almoner. They called him "My Lord," and laughed at all his
+stories.</p>
+
+<p>The Baron's lady weighed about three hundred and fifty pounds, and was
+therefore a person of great consideration, and she did the honours of
+the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect. Her
+daughter Cunegonde was seventeen years of age, fresh-coloured, comely,
+plump, and desirable. The Baron's son seemed to be in every respect
+worthy of his father. The Preceptor Pangloss<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> was the oracle of the
+family, and little Candide heard his lessons with all the good faith of
+his age and character.</p>
+
+<p>Pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology. He
+proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause, and that, in
+this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most
+magnificent of castles, and his lady the best of all possible
+Baronesses.</p>
+
+<p>"It is demonstrable," said he, "that things cannot be otherwise than as
+they are; for all being created for an end, all is necessarily for the
+best end. Observe, that the nose has been formed to bear
+spectacles&mdash;thus we have spectacles. Legs are visibly designed for
+stockings<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>&mdash;and we have stockings. Stones were made to be hewn, and to
+construct castles&mdash;therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for the
+greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were
+made to be eaten&mdash;therefore we eat pork all the year round. Consequently
+they who assert that all is well have said a foolish thing, they should
+have said all is for the best."</p>
+
+<p>Candide listened attentively and believed innocently; for he thought
+Miss Cunegonde extremely beautiful, though he never had the courage to
+tell her so. He concluded that after the happiness of being born of
+Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh, the second degree of happiness was to be
+Miss Cunegonde, the third that of seeing her every day, and the fourth
+that of hearing Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole
+province, and consequently of the whole world.</p>
+
+<p>One day Cunegonde, while walking near the castle, in a little wood which
+they called a park, saw between the bushes, Dr. Pangloss giving a lesson
+in experimental natural philosophy to her mother's chamber-maid, a
+little brown wench, very pretty and very docile. As Miss Cunegonde had a
+great disposition for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the
+repeated experiments of which she was a witness; she clearly perceived
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span>the force of the Doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes; she
+turned back greatly flurried, quite pensive, and filled with the desire
+to be learned; dreaming that she might well be a <i>sufficient reason</i> for
+young Candide, and he for her.</p>
+
+<p>She met Candide on reaching the castle and blushed; Candide blushed
+also; she wished him good morrow in a faltering tone, and Candide spoke
+to her without knowing what he said. The next day after dinner, as they
+went from table, Cunegonde and Candide found themselves behind a screen;
+Cunegonde let fall her handkerchief, Candide picked it up, she took him
+innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young lady's
+hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met,
+their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. Baron
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh passed near the screen and beholding this cause and
+effect chased Candide from the castle with great kicks on the backside;
+Cunegonde fainted away; she was boxed on the ears by the Baroness, as
+soon as she came to herself; and all was consternation in this most
+magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>II</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT BECAME OF CANDIDE AMONG THE BULGARIANS.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide, driven from terrestrial paradise, walked a long while without
+knowing where, weeping, raising his eyes to heaven, turning them often
+towards the most magnificent of castles which imprisoned the purest of
+noble young ladies. He lay down to sleep without supper, in the middle
+of a field between two furrows. The snow fell in large flakes. Next day
+Candide, all benumbed, dragged himself towards the neighbouring town
+which was called Waldberghofftrarbk-dikdorff, having no money, dying of
+hunger and fatigue, he stopped sorrowfully at the door of an inn. Two
+men dressed in blue observed him.</p>
+
+<p>"Comrade," said one, "here is a well-built young fellow, and of proper
+height."</p>
+
+<p>They went up to Candide and very civilly invited him to dinner.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, "you do me
+great honour, but I have not wherewithal to pay my share."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh, sir," said one of the blues to him, "people of your appearance and
+of your merit never pay anything: are you not five feet five inches
+high?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, that is my height," answered he, making a low bow.</p>
+
+<p>"Come, sir, seat yourself; not only will we pay your reckoning, but we
+will never suffer such a man as you to want money; men are only born to
+assist one another."</p>
+
+<p>"You are right," said Candide; "this is what I was always taught by Mr.
+Pangloss, and I see plainly that all is for the best."</p>
+
+<p>They begged of him to accept a few crowns. He took them, and wished to
+give them his note; they refused; they seated themselves at table.</p>
+
+<p>"Love you not deeply?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes," answered he; "I deeply love Miss Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said one of the gentlemen, "we ask you if you do not deeply love
+the King of the Bulgarians?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said he; "for I have never seen him."</p>
+
+<p>"What! he is the best of kings, and we must drink his health."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! very willingly, gentlemen," and he drank.</p>
+
+<p>"That is enough," they tell him. "Now you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> are the help, the support,
+the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians. Your fortune is made, and your
+glory is assured."</p>
+
+<p>Instantly they fettered him, and carried him away to the regiment. There
+he was made to wheel about to the right, and to the left, to draw his
+rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they
+gave him thirty blows with a cudgel. The next day he did his exercise a
+little less badly, and he received but twenty blows. The day following
+they gave him only ten, and he was regarded by his comrades as a
+prodigy.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, all stupefied, could not yet very well realise how he was a
+hero. He resolved one fine day in spring to go for a walk, marching
+straight before him, believing that it was a privilege of the human as
+well as of the animal species to make use of their legs as they pleased.
+He had advanced two leagues when he was overtaken by four others, heroes
+of six feet, who bound him and carried him to a dungeon. He was asked
+which he would like the best, to be whipped six-and-thirty times through
+all the regiment, or to receive at once twelve balls of lead in his
+brain. He vainly said that human will is free, and that he chose neither
+the one nor the other. He was forced to make a choice; he determined, in
+virtue of that gift of God<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> called liberty, to run the gauntlet
+six-and-thirty times. He bore this twice. The regiment was composed of
+two thousand men; that composed for him four thousand strokes, which
+laid bare all his muscles and nerves, from the nape of his neck quite
+down to his rump. As they were going to proceed to a third whipping,
+Candide, able to bear no more, begged as a favour that they would be so
+good as to shoot him. He obtained this favour; they bandaged his eyes,
+and bade him kneel down. The King of the Bulgarians passed at this
+moment and ascertained the nature of the crime. As he had great talent,
+he understood from all that he learnt of Candide that he was a young
+metaphysician, extremely ignorant of the things of this world, and he
+accorded him his pardon with a clemency which will bring him praise in
+all the journals, and throughout all ages.</p>
+
+<p>An able surgeon cured Candide in three weeks by means of emollients
+taught by Dioscorides. He had already a little skin, and was able to
+march when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the
+Abares.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>III</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE MADE HIS ESCAPE FROM THE BULGARIANS, AND WHAT AFTERWARDS
+BECAME OF HIM.</h3>
+
+
+<p>There was never anything so gallant, so spruce, so brilliant, and so
+well disposed as the two armies. Trumpets, fifes, hautboys, drums, and
+cannon made music such as Hell itself had never heard. The cannons first
+of all laid flat about six thousand men on each side; the muskets swept
+away from this best of worlds nine or ten thousand ruffians who infested
+its surface. The bayonet was also a <i>sufficient reason</i> for the death of
+several thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand souls.
+Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he
+could during this heroic butchery.</p>
+
+<p>At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deum to be sung each in
+his own camp, Candide resolved to go and reason elsewhere on effects and
+causes. He passed over heaps of dead and dying, and first reached a
+neighbouring village; it was in cinders, it was an Abare village which
+the Bulgarians had burnt according<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> to the laws of war. Here, old men
+covered with wounds, beheld their wives, hugging their children to their
+bloody breasts, massacred before their faces; there, their daughters,
+disembowelled and breathing their last after having satisfied the
+natural wants of Bulgarian heroes; while others, half burnt in the
+flames, begged to be despatched. The earth was strewed with brains,
+arms, and legs.</p>
+
+<p>Candide fled quickly to another village; it belonged to the Bulgarians;
+and the Abarian heroes had treated it in the same way. Candide, walking
+always over palpitating limbs or across ruins, arrived at last beyond
+the seat of war, with a few provisions in his knapsack, and Miss
+Cunegonde always in his heart. His provisions failed him when he arrived
+in Holland; but having heard that everybody was rich in that country,
+and that they were Christians, he did not doubt but he should meet with
+the same treatment from them as he had met with in the Baron's castle,
+before Miss Cunegonde's bright eyes were the cause of his expulsion
+thence.</p>
+
+<p>He asked alms of several grave-looking people, who all answered him,
+that if he continued to follow this trade they would confine him to the
+house of correction, where he should be taught to get a living.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The next he addressed was a man who had been haranguing a large assembly
+for a whole hour on the subject of charity. But the orator, looking
+askew, said:</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing here? Are you for the good cause?"</p>
+
+<p>"There can be no effect without a cause," modestly answered Candide;
+"the whole is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was
+necessary for me to have been banished from the presence of Miss
+Cunegonde, to have afterwards run the gauntlet, and now it is necessary
+I should beg my bread until I learn to earn it; all this cannot be
+otherwise."</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," said the orator to him, "do you believe the Pope to be
+Anti-Christ?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have not heard it," answered Candide; "but whether he be, or whether
+he be not, I want bread."</p>
+
+<p>"Thou dost not deserve to eat," said the other. "Begone, rogue; begone,
+wretch; do not come near me again."</p>
+
+<p>The orator's wife, putting her head out of the window, and spying a man
+that doubted whether the Pope was Anti-Christ, poured over him a
+full.... Oh, heavens! to what excess does religious zeal carry the
+ladies.</p>
+
+<p>A man who had never been christened, a good Anabaptist, named James,
+beheld the cruel and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> ignominious treatment shown to one of his
+brethren, an unfeathered biped with a rational soul, he took him home,
+cleaned him, gave him bread and beer, presented him with two florins,
+and even wished to teach him the manufacture of Persian stuffs which
+they make in Holland. Candide, almost prostrating himself before him,
+cried:</p>
+
+<p>"Master Pangloss has well said that all is for the best in this world,
+for I am infinitely more touched by your extreme generosity than with
+the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black coat and his lady."</p>
+
+<p>The next day, as he took a walk, he met a beggar all covered with scabs,
+his eyes diseased, the end of his nose eaten away, his mouth distorted,
+his teeth black, choking in his throat, tormented with a violent cough,
+and spitting out a tooth at each effort.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>IV</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE FOUND HIS OLD MASTER PANGLOSS, AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide, yet more moved with compassion than with horror, gave to this
+shocking beggar the two florins which he had received from the honest
+Anabaptist James. The spectre looked at him very earnestly, dropped a
+few tears, and fell upon his neck. Candide recoiled in disgust.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said one wretch to the other, "do you no longer know your dear
+Pangloss?"</p>
+
+<p>"What do I hear? You, my dear master! you in this terrible plight! What
+misfortune has happened to you? Why are you no longer in the most
+magnificent of castles? What has become of Miss Cunegonde, the pearl of
+girls, and nature's masterpiece?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am so weak that I cannot stand," said Pangloss.</p>
+
+<p>Upon which Candide carried him to the Anabaptist's stable, and gave him
+a crust of bread. As soon as Pangloss had refreshed himself a little:</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Candide, "Cunegonde?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"She is dead," replied the other.</p>
+
+<p>Candide fainted at this word; his friend recalled his senses with a
+little bad vinegar which he found by chance in the stable. Candide
+reopened his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"Cunegonde is dead! Ah, best of worlds, where art thou? But of what
+illness did she die? Was it not for grief, upon seeing her father kick
+me out of his magnificent castle?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Pangloss, "she was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers,
+after having been violated by many; they broke the Baron's head for
+attempting to defend her; my lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my
+poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as for
+the castle, they have not left one stone upon another, not a barn, nor a
+sheep, nor a duck, nor a tree; but we have had our revenge, for the
+Abares have done the very same thing to a neighbouring barony, which
+belonged to a Bulgarian lord."</p>
+
+<p>At this discourse Candide fainted again; but coming to himself, and
+having said all that it became him to say, inquired into the cause and
+effect, as well as into the <i>sufficient reason</i> that had reduced
+Pangloss to so miserable a plight.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said the other, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human
+species, the preserver of the universe, the soul of all sensible beings,
+love, tender love."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said Candide, "I know this love, that sovereign of hearts, that
+soul of our souls; yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty
+kicks on the backside. How could this beautiful cause produce in you an
+effect so abominable?"</p>
+
+<p>Pangloss made answer in these terms: "Oh, my dear Candide, you remember
+Paquette, that pretty wench who waited on our noble Baroness; in her
+arms I tasted the delights of paradise, which produced in me those hell
+torments with which you see me devoured; she was infected with them, she
+is perhaps dead of them. This present Paquette received of a learned
+Grey Friar, who had traced it to its source; he had had it of an old
+countess, who had received it from a cavalry captain, who owed it to a
+marchioness, who took it from a page, who had received it from a Jesuit,
+who when a novice had it in a direct line from one of the companions of
+Christopher Columbus.<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> For my part I shall give it to nobody, I am
+dying."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Pangloss!" cried Candide, "what a strange genealogy! Is not the
+Devil the original stock of it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," replied this great man, "it was a thing unavoidable, a
+necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had not in
+an island of America caught this disease, which contaminates the source
+of life, frequently even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> hinders generation, and which is evidently
+opposed to the great end of nature, we should have neither chocolate nor
+cochineal. We are also to observe that upon our continent, this
+distemper is like religious controversy, confined to a particular spot.
+The Turks, the Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, the
+Japanese, know nothing of it; but there is a sufficient reason for
+believing that they will know it in their turn in a few centuries. In
+the meantime, it has made marvellous progress among us, especially in
+those great armies composed of honest well-disciplined hirelings, who
+decide the destiny of states; for we may safely affirm that when an army
+of thirty thousand men fights another of an equal number, there are
+about twenty thousand of them p-x-d on each side."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, this is wonderful!" said Candide, "but you must get cured."</p>
+
+<p>"Alas! how can I?" said Pangloss, "I have not a farthing, my friend, and
+all over the globe there is no letting of blood or taking a glister,
+without paying, or somebody paying for you."</p>
+
+<p>These last words determined Candide; he went and flung himself at the
+feet of the charitable Anabaptist James, and gave him so touching a
+picture of the state to which his friend was reduced, that the good man
+did not scruple to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> him cured
+at his expense. In the cure Pangloss lost only an eye and an ear. He
+wrote well, and knew arithmetic perfectly. The Anabaptist James made him
+his bookkeeper. At the end of two months, being obliged to go to Lisbon
+about some mercantile affairs, he took the two philosophers with him in
+his ship. Pangloss explained to him how everything was so constituted
+that it could not be better. James was not of this opinion.</p>
+
+<p>"It is more likely," said he, "mankind have a little corrupted nature,
+for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves; God has
+given them neither cannon of four-and-twenty pounders, nor bayonets; and
+yet they have made cannon and bayonets to destroy one another. Into this
+account I might throw not only bankrupts, but Justice which seizes on
+the effects of bankrupts to cheat the creditors."</p>
+
+<p>"All this was indispensable," replied the one-eyed doctor, "for private
+misfortunes make the general good, so that the more private misfortunes
+there are the greater is the general good."</p>
+
+<p>While he reasoned, the sky darkened, the winds blew from the four
+quarters, and the ship was assailed by a most terrible tempest within
+sight of the port of Lisbon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>V</h2>
+
+<h3>TEMPEST, SHIPWRECK, EARTHQUAKE, AND WHAT BECAME OF DOCTOR PANGLOSS,
+CANDIDE, AND JAMES THE ANABAPTIST.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Half dead of that inconceivable anguish which the rolling of a ship
+produces, one-half of the passengers were not even sensible of the
+danger. The other half shrieked and prayed. The sheets were rent, the
+masts broken, the vessel gaped. Work who would, no one heard, no one
+commanded. The Anabaptist being upon deck bore a hand; when a brutish
+sailor struck him roughly and laid him sprawling; but with the violence
+of the blow he himself tumbled head foremost overboard, and stuck upon a
+piece of the broken mast. Honest James ran to his assistance, hauled him
+up, and from the effort he made was precipitated into the sea in sight
+of the sailor, who left him to perish, without deigning to look at him.
+Candide drew near and saw his benefactor, who rose above the water one
+moment and was then swallowed up for ever. He was just going to jump
+after him, but was prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>
+demonstrated to him that the Bay of Lisbon had been made on purpose for
+the Anabaptist to be drowned. While he was proving this <i>&agrave; priori</i>, the
+ship foundered; all perished except Pangloss, Candide, and that brutal
+sailor who had drowned the good Anabaptist. The villain swam safely to
+the shore, while Pangloss and Candide were borne thither upon a plank.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as they recovered themselves a little they walked toward Lisbon.
+They had some money left, with which they hoped to save themselves from
+starving, after they had escaped drowning. Scarcely had they reached the
+city, lamenting the death of their benefactor, when they felt the earth
+tremble under their feet. The sea swelled and foamed in the harbour, and
+beat to pieces the vessels riding at anchor. Whirlwinds of fire and
+ashes covered the streets and public places; houses fell, roofs were
+flung upon the pavements, and the pavements were scattered. Thirty
+thousand inhabitants of all ages and sexes were crushed under the
+ruins.<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> The sailor, whistling and swearing, said there was booty to be
+gained here.</p>
+
+<p>"What can be the <i>sufficient reason</i> of this phenomenon?" said Pangloss.</p>
+
+<p>"This is the Last Day!" cried Candide.</p>
+
+<p>The sailor ran among the ruins, facing death to find money; finding it,
+he took it, got drunk,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> and having slept himself sober, purchased the
+favours of the first good-natured wench whom he met on the ruins of the
+destroyed houses, and in the midst of the dying and the dead. Pangloss
+pulled him by the sleeve.</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," said he, "this is not right. You sin against the <i>universal
+reason</i>; you choose your time badly."</p>
+
+<p>"S'blood and fury!" answered the other; "I am a sailor and born at
+Batavia. Four times have I trampled upon the crucifix in four voyages to
+Japan<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a>; a fig for thy universal reason."</p>
+
+<p>Some falling stones had wounded Candide. He lay stretched in the street
+covered with rubbish.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said he to Pangloss, "get me a little wine and oil; I am dying."</p>
+
+<p>"This concussion of the earth is no new thing," answered Pangloss. "The
+city of Lima, in America, experienced the same convulsions last year;
+the same cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur
+under ground from Lima to Lisbon."</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing more probable," said Candide; "but for the love of God a little
+oil and wine."</p>
+
+<p>"How, probable?" replied the philosopher. "I maintain that the point is
+capable of being demonstrated."</p>
+
+<p>Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> him some water from a
+neighbouring fountain. The following day they rummaged among the ruins
+and found provisions, with which they repaired their exhausted strength.
+After this they joined with others in relieving those inhabitants who
+had escaped death. Some, whom they had succoured, gave them as good a
+dinner as they could in such disastrous circumstances; true, the repast
+was mournful, and the company moistened their bread with tears; but
+Pangloss consoled them, assuring them that things could not be
+otherwise.</p>
+
+<p>"For," said he, "all that is is for the best. If there is a volcano at
+Lisbon it cannot be elsewhere. It is impossible that things should be
+other than they are; for everything is right."</p>
+
+<p>A little man dressed in black, Familiar of the Inquisition, who sat by
+him, politely took up his word and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Apparently, then, sir, you do not believe in original sin; for if all
+is for the best there has then been neither Fall nor punishment."</p>
+
+<p>"I humbly ask your Excellency's pardon," answered Pangloss, still more
+politely; "for the Fall and curse of man necessarily entered into the
+system of the best of worlds."</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," said the Familiar, "you do not then believe in liberty?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your Excellency will excuse me," said Pangloss;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> "liberty is consistent
+with absolute necessity, for it was necessary we should be free; for, in
+short, the determinate will&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Pangloss was in the middle of his sentence, when the Familiar beckoned
+to his footman, who gave him a glass of wine from Porto or Opporto.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>VI</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW THE PORTUGUESE MADE A BEAUTIFUL AUTO-DA-F&Eacute;, TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER
+EARTHQUAKES; AND HOW CANDIDE WAS PUBLICLY WHIPPED.</h3>
+
+
+<p>After the earthquake had destroyed three-fourths of Lisbon, the sages of
+that country could think of no means more effectual to prevent utter
+ruin than to give the people a beautiful <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i><a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a>; for it had
+been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the burning of a few
+people alive by a slow fire, and with great ceremony, is an infallible
+secret to hinder the earth from quaking.</p>
+
+<p>In consequence hereof, they had seized on a Biscayner, convicted of
+having married his godmother, and on two Portuguese, for rejecting the
+bacon which larded a chicken they were eating<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a>; after dinner, they
+came and secured Dr. Pangloss, and his disciple Candide, the one for
+speaking his mind, the other for having listened with an air of
+approbation. They were conducted to separate apartments, extremely cold,
+as they were never incommoded by the sun.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> Eight days after they were
+dressed in <i>san-benitos</i><a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a> and their heads ornamented with paper
+mitres. The mitre and <i>san-benito</i> belonging to Candide were painted
+with reversed flames and with devils that had neither tails nor claws;
+but Pangloss's devils had claws and tails and the flames were upright.
+They marched in procession thus habited and heard a very pathetic
+sermon, followed by fine church music. Candide was whipped in cadence
+while they were singing; the Biscayner, and the two men who had refused
+to eat bacon, were burnt; and Pangloss was hanged, though that was not
+the custom. The same day the earth sustained a most violent concussion.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, terrified, amazed, desperate, all bloody, all palpitating, said
+to himself:</p>
+
+<p>"If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others? Well,
+if I had been only whipped I could put up with it, for I experienced
+that among the Bulgarians; but oh, my dear Pangloss! thou greatest of
+philosophers, that I should have seen you hanged, without knowing for
+what! Oh, my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that thou should'st have
+been drowned in the very harbour! Oh, Miss Cunegonde, thou pearl of
+girls! that thou should'st have had thy belly ripped open!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Thus he was musing, scarce able to stand, preached at, whipped,
+absolved, and blessed, when an old woman accosted him saying:</p>
+
+<p>"My son, take courage and follow me."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>VII</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW THE OLD WOMAN TOOK CARE OF CANDIDE, AND HOW HE FOUND THE OBJECT HE
+LOVED.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide did not take courage, but followed the old woman to a decayed
+house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint his sores, showed
+him a very neat little bed, with a suit of clothes hanging up, and left
+him something to eat and drink.</p>
+
+<p>"Eat, drink, sleep," said she, "and may our lady of Atocha,<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a> the great
+St. Anthony of Padua, and the great St. James of Compostella, receive
+you under their protection. I shall be back to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>Candide, amazed at all he had suffered and still more with the charity
+of the old woman, wished to kiss her hand.</p>
+
+<p>"It is not my hand you must kiss," said the old woman; "I shall be back
+to-morrow. Anoint yourself with the pomatum, eat and sleep."</p>
+
+<p>Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The next
+morning the old woman brought him his breakfast, looked at his back, and
+rubbed it herself with another ointment: in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> like manner she brought him
+his dinner; and at night she returned with his supper. The day following
+she went through the very same ceremonies.</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you?" said Candide; "who has inspired you with so much
+goodness? What return can I make you?"</p>
+
+<p>The good woman made no answer; she returned in the evening, but brought
+no supper.</p>
+
+<p>"Come with me," she said, "and say nothing."</p>
+
+<p>She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of a mile
+into the country; they arrived at a lonely house, surrounded with
+gardens and canals. The old woman knocked at a little door, it opened,
+she led Candide up a private staircase into a small apartment richly
+furnished. She left him on a brocaded sofa, shut the door and went away.
+Candide thought himself in a dream; indeed, that he had been dreaming
+unluckily all his life, and that the present moment was the only
+agreeable part of it all.</p>
+
+<p>The old woman returned very soon, supporting with difficulty a trembling
+woman of a majestic figure, brilliant with jewels, and covered with a
+veil.</p>
+
+<p>"Take off that veil," said the old woman to Candide.</p>
+
+<p>The young man approaches, he raises the veil<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> with a timid hand. Oh!
+what a moment! what surprise! he believes he beholds Miss Cunegonde? he
+really sees her! it is herself! His strength fails him, he cannot utter
+a word, but drops at her feet. Cunegonde falls upon the sofa. The old
+woman supplies a smelling bottle; they come to themselves and recover
+their speech. As they began with broken accents, with questions and
+answers interchangeably interrupted with sighs, with tears, and cries.
+The old woman desired they would make less noise and then she left them
+to themselves.</p>
+
+<p>"What, is it you?" said Candide, "you live? I find you again in
+Portugal? then you have not been ravished? then they did not rip open
+your belly as Doctor Pangloss informed me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, they did," said the beautiful Cunegonde; "but those two accidents
+are not always mortal."</p>
+
+<p>"But were your father and mother killed?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is but too true," answered Cunegonde, in tears.</p>
+
+<p>"And your brother?"</p>
+
+<p>"My brother also was killed."</p>
+
+<p>"And why are you in Portugal? and how did you know of my being here? and
+by what strange adventure did you contrive to bring me to this house?"</p>
+
+<p>"I will tell you all that," replied the lady, "but first of all let me
+know your history, since<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> the innocent kiss you gave me and the kicks
+which you received."</p>
+
+<p>Candide respectfully obeyed her, and though he was still in a surprise,
+though his voice was feeble and trembling, though his back still pained
+him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everything that had
+befallen him since the moment of their separation. Cunegonde lifted up
+her eyes to heaven; shed tears upon hearing of the death of the good
+Anabaptist and of Pangloss; after which she spoke as follows to Candide,
+who did not lose a word and devoured her with his eyes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE HISTORY OF CUNEGONDE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"I was in bed and fast asleep when it pleased God to send the Bulgarians
+to our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh; they slew my father and
+brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall Bulgarian, six feet high,
+perceiving that I had fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me;
+this made me recover; I regained my senses, I cried, I struggled, I bit,
+I scratched, I wanted to tear out the tall Bulgarian's eyes&mdash;not knowing
+that what happened at my father's house was the usual practice of war.
+The brute gave me a cut in the left side with his hanger, and the mark
+is still upon me."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! I hope I shall see it," said honest Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"You shall," said Cunegonde, "but let us continue."</p>
+
+<p>"Do so," replied Candide.</p>
+
+<p>Thus she resumed the thread of her story:</p>
+
+<p>"A Bulgarian captain came in, saw me all bleeding, and the soldier not
+in the least disconcerted. The captain flew into a passion at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> the
+disrespectful behaviour of the brute, and slew him on my body. He
+ordered my wounds to be dressed, and took me to his quarters as a
+prisoner of war. I washed the few shirts that he had, I did his cooking;
+he thought me very pretty&mdash;he avowed it; on the other hand, I must own
+he had a good shape, and a soft and white skin; but he had little or no
+mind or philosophy, and you might see plainly that he had never been
+instructed by Doctor Pangloss. In three months time, having lost all his
+money, and being grown tired of my company, he sold me to a Jew, named
+Don Issachar, who traded to Holland and Portugal, and had a strong
+passion for women. This Jew was much attached to my person, but could
+not triumph over it; I resisted him better than the Bulgarian soldier. A
+modest woman may be ravished once, but her virtue is strengthened by it.
+In order to render me more tractable, he brought me to this country
+house. Hitherto I had imagined that nothing could equal the beauty of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh Castle; but I found I was mistaken.</p>
+
+<p>"The Grand Inquisitor, seeing me one day at Mass, stared long at me, and
+sent to tell me that he wished to speak on private matters. I was
+conducted to his palace, where I acquainted him with the history of my
+family, and he represented to me how much it was beneath my rank<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> to
+belong to an Israelite. A proposal was then made to Don Issachar that he
+should resign me to my lord. Don Issachar, being the court banker, and a
+man of credit, would hear nothing of it. The Inquisitor threatened him
+with an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>. At last my Jew, intimidated, concluded a bargain,
+by which the house and myself should belong to both in common; the Jew
+should have for himself Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and the
+Inquisitor should have the rest of the week. It is now six months since
+this agreement was made. Quarrels have not been wanting, for they could
+not decide whether the night from Saturday to Sunday belonged to the old
+law or to the new. For my part, I have so far held out against both, and
+I verily believe that this is the reason why I am still beloved.</p>
+
+<p>"At length, to avert the scourge of earthquakes, and to intimidate Don
+Issachar, my Lord Inquisitor was pleased to celebrate an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>.
+He did me the honour to invite me to the ceremony. I had a very good
+seat, and the ladies were served with refreshments between Mass and the
+execution. I was in truth seized with horror at the burning of those two
+Jews, and of the honest Biscayner who had married his godmother; but
+what was my surprise, my fright, my trouble, when I saw in a
+<i>san-benito</i> and mitre a figure which resembled that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> of Pangloss! I
+rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively, I saw him hung; I fainted.
+Scarcely had I recovered my senses than I saw you stripped, stark naked,
+and this was the height of my horror, consternation, grief, and despair.
+I tell you, truthfully, that your skin is yet whiter and of a more
+perfect colour than that of my Bulgarian captain. This spectacle
+redoubled all the feelings which overwhelmed and devoured me. I screamed
+out, and would have said, 'Stop, barbarians!' but my voice failed me,
+and my cries would have been useless after you had been severely
+whipped. How is it possible, said I, that the beloved Candide and the
+wise Pangloss should both be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred
+lashes, and the other to be hanged by the Grand Inquisitor, of whom I am
+the well-beloved? Pangloss most cruelly deceived me when he said that
+everything in the world is for the best.</p>
+
+<p>"Agitated, lost, sometimes beside myself, and sometimes ready to die of
+weakness, my mind was filled with the massacre of my father, mother, and
+brother, with the insolence of the ugly Bulgarian soldier, with the stab
+that he gave me, with my servitude under the Bulgarian captain, with my
+hideous Don Issachar, with my abominable Inquisitor, with the execution
+of Doctor Pangloss, with the grand Miserere to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> which they whipped you,
+and especially with the kiss I gave you behind the screen the day that I
+had last seen you. I praised God for bringing you back to me after so
+many trials, and I charged my old woman to take care of you, and to
+conduct you hither as soon as possible. She has executed her commission
+perfectly well; I have tasted the inexpressible pleasure of seeing you
+again, of hearing you, of speaking with you. But you must be hungry, for
+myself, I am famished; let us have supper."</p>
+
+<p>They both sat down to table, and, when supper was over, they placed
+themselves once more on the sofa; where they were when Signor Don
+Issachar arrived. It was the Jewish Sabbath, and Issachar had come to
+enjoy his rights, and to explain his tender love.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>IX</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT BECAME OF CUNEGONDE, CANDIDE, THE GRAND INQUISITOR, AND THE JEW.</h3>
+
+
+<p>This Issachar was the most choleric Hebrew that had ever been seen in
+Israel since the Captivity in Babylon.</p>
+
+<p>"What!" said he, "thou bitch of a Galilean, was not the Inquisitor
+enough for thee? Must this rascal also share with me?"</p>
+
+<p>In saying this he drew a long poniard which he always carried about him;
+and not imagining that his adversary had any arms he threw himself upon
+Candide: but our honest Westphalian had received a handsome sword from
+the old woman along with the suit of clothes. He drew his rapier,
+despite his gentleness, and laid the Israelite stone dead upon the
+cushions at Cunegonde's feet.</p>
+
+<p>"Holy Virgin!" cried she, "what will become of us? A man killed in my
+apartment! If the officers of justice come, we are lost!"</p>
+
+<p>"Had not Pangloss been hanged," said Candide, "he would give us good
+counsel in this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> emergency, for he was a profound philosopher. Failing
+him let us consult the old woman."</p>
+
+<p>She was very prudent and commenced to give her opinion when suddenly
+another little door opened. It was an hour after midnight, it was the
+beginning of Sunday. This day belonged to my lord the Inquisitor. He
+entered, and saw the whipped Candide, sword in hand, a dead man upon the
+floor, Cunegonde aghast, and the old woman giving counsel.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment, the following is what passed in the soul of Candide, and
+how he reasoned:</p>
+
+<p>If this holy man call in assistance, he will surely have me burnt; and
+Cunegonde will perhaps be served in the same manner; he was the cause of
+my being cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and, as I have now begun to
+kill, I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate. This reasoning
+was clear and instantaneous; so that without giving time to the
+Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he pierced him through and
+through, and cast him beside the Jew.</p>
+
+<p>"Yet again!" said Cunegonde, "now there is no mercy for us, we are
+excommunicated, our last hour has come. How could you do it? you,
+naturally so gentle, to slay a Jew and a prelate in two minutes!"</p>
+
+<p>"My beautiful young lady," responded Candide,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> "when one is a lover,
+jealous and whipped by the Inquisition, one stops at nothing."</p>
+
+<p>The old woman then put in her word, saying:</p>
+
+<p>"There are three Andalusian horses in the stable with bridles and
+saddles, let the brave Candide get them ready; madame has money, jewels;
+let us therefore mount quickly on horseback, though I can sit only on
+one buttock; let us set out for Cadiz, it is the finest weather in the
+world, and there is great pleasure in travelling in the cool of the
+night."</p>
+
+<p>Immediately Candide saddled the three horses, and Cunegonde, the old
+woman and he, travelled thirty miles at a stretch. While they were
+journeying, the Holy Brotherhood entered the house; my lord the
+Inquisitor was interred in a handsome church, and Issachar's body was
+thrown upon a dunghill.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, had now reached the little town
+of Avacena in the midst of the mountains of the Sierra Morena, and were
+speaking as follows in a public inn.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>X</h2>
+
+<h3>IN WHAT DISTRESS CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, AND THE OLD WOMAN ARRIVED AT CADIZ;
+AND OF THEIR EMBARKATION.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Who was it that robbed me of my money and jewels?" said Cunegonde, all
+bathed in tears. "How shall we live? What shall we do? Where find
+Inquisitors or Jews who will give me more?"</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said the old woman, "I have a shrewd suspicion of a reverend
+Grey Friar, who stayed last night in the same inn with us at Badajos.
+God preserve me from judging rashly, but he came into our room twice,
+and he set out upon his journey long before us."</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said Candide, "dear Pangloss has often demonstrated to me that
+the goods of this world are common to all men, and that each has an
+equal right to them. But according to these principles the Grey Friar
+ought to have left us enough to carry us through our journey. Have you
+nothing at all left, my dear Cunegonde?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a farthing," said she.</p>
+
+<p>"What then must we do?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Sell one of the horses," replied the old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> woman. "I will ride behind
+Miss Cunegonde, though I can hold myself only on one buttock, and we
+shall reach Cadiz."</p>
+
+<p>In the same inn there was a Benedictine prior who bought the horse for a
+cheap price. Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, having passed
+through Lucena, Chillas, and Lebrixa, arrived at length at Cadiz. A
+fleet was there getting ready, and troops assembling to bring to reason
+the reverend Jesuit Fathers of Paraguay, accused of having made one of
+the native tribes in the neighborhood of San Sacrament revolt against
+the Kings of Spain and Portugal. Candide having been in the Bulgarian
+service, performed the military exercise before the general of this
+little army with so graceful an address, with so intrepid an air, and
+with such agility and expedition, that he was given the command of a
+company of foot. Now, he was a captain! He set sail with Miss Cunegonde,
+the old woman, two valets, and the two Andalusian horses, which had
+belonged to the grand Inquisitor of Portugal.</p>
+
+<p>During their voyage they reasoned a good deal on the philosophy of poor
+Pangloss.</p>
+
+<p>"We are going into another world," said Candide; "and surely it must be
+there that all is for the best. For I must confess there is reason to
+complain a little of what passeth in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> our world in regard to both
+natural and moral philosophy."</p>
+
+<p>"I love you with all my heart," said Cunegonde; "but my soul is still
+full of fright at that which I have seen and experienced."</p>
+
+<p>"All will be well," replied Candide; "the sea of this new world is
+already better than our European sea; it is calmer, the winds more
+regular. It is certainly the New World which is the best of all possible
+worlds."</p>
+
+<p>"God grant it," said Cunegonde; "but I have been so horribly unhappy
+there that my heart is almost closed to hope."</p>
+
+<p>"You complain," said the old woman; "alas! you have not known such
+misfortunes as mine."</p>
+
+<p>Cunegonde almost broke out laughing, finding the good woman very
+amusing, for pretending to have been as unfortunate as she.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said Cunegonde, "my good mother, unless you have been ravished
+by two Bulgarians, have received two deep wounds in your belly, have had
+two castles demolished, have had two mothers cut to pieces before your
+eyes, and two of your lovers whipped at an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>, I do not
+conceive how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add that I was born a
+baroness of seventy-two quarterings&mdash;and have been a cook!"</p>
+
+<p>"Miss," replied the old woman, "you do not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> know my birth; and were I to
+show you my backside, you would not talk in that manner, but would
+suspend your judgment."</p>
+
+<p>This speech having raised extreme curiosity in the minds of Cunegonde
+and Candide, the old woman spoke to them as follows.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XI</h2>
+
+<h3>HISTORY OF THE OLD WOMAN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"I had not always bleared eyes and red eyelids; neither did my nose
+always touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. I am the daughter of
+Pope Urban X,<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a> and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until the age of
+fourteen I was brought up in a palace, to which all the castles of your
+German barons would scarcely have served for stables; and one of my
+robes was worth more than all the magnificence of Westphalia. As I grew
+up I improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment, in the
+midst of pleasures, hopes, and respectful homage. Already I inspired
+love. My throat was formed, and such a throat! white, firm, and shaped
+like that of the Venus of Medici; and what eyes! what eyelids! what
+black eyebrows! such flames darted from my dark pupils that they
+eclipsed the scintillation of the stars&mdash;as I was told by the poets in
+our part of the world. My waiting women, when dressing and undressing
+me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they viewed me before<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> or
+behind; how glad would the gentlemen have been to perform that office
+for them!</p>
+
+<p>"I was affianced to the most excellent Prince of Massa Carara. Such a
+prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly
+witty, and sparkling with love. I loved him as one loves for the first
+time&mdash;with idolatry, with transport. The nuptials were prepared. There
+was surprising pomp and magnificence; there were <i>f&ecirc;tes</i>, carousals,
+continual <i>opera bouffe</i>; and all Italy composed sonnets in my praise,
+though not one of them was passable. I was just upon the point of
+reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marchioness who had been
+mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate with
+her. He died in less than two hours of most terrible convulsions. But
+this is only a bagatelle. My mother, in despair, and scarcely less
+afflicted than myself, determined to absent herself for some time from
+so fatal a place. She had a very fine estate in the neighbourhood of
+Gaeta. We embarked on board a galley of the country which was gilded
+like the great altar of St. Peter's at Rome. A Sallee corsair swooped
+down and boarded us. Our men defended themselves like the Pope's
+soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their
+arms, begging of the corsair an absolution <i>in articulo mortis</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Instantly they were stripped as bare as monkeys; my mother, our maids
+of honour, and myself were all served in the same manner. It is amazing
+with what expedition those gentry undress people. But what surprised me
+most was, that they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies
+which the generality of women suffer no other instrument but&mdash;pipes to
+enter. It appeared to me a very strange kind of ceremony; but thus one
+judges of things when one has not seen the world. I afterwards learnt
+that it was to try whether we had concealed any diamonds. This is the
+practice established from time immemorial, among civilised nations that
+scour the seas. I was informed that the very religious Knights of Malta
+never fail to make this search when they take any Turkish prisoners of
+either sex. It is a law of nations from which they never deviate.</p>
+
+<p>"I need not tell <i>you</i> how great a hardship it was for a young princess
+and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco. You may easily
+imagine all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel. My mother was
+still very handsome; our maids of honour, and even our waiting women,
+had more charms than are to be found in all Africa. As for myself, I was
+ravishing, was exquisite, grace itself, and I was a virgin! I did not
+remain so long; this flower,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> which had been reserved for the handsome
+Prince of Massa Carara, was plucked by the corsair captain. He was an
+abominable negro, and yet believed that he did me a great deal of
+honour. Certainly the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have been
+very strong to go through all that we experienced until our arrival at
+Morocco. But let us pass on; these are such common things as not to be
+worth mentioning.</p>
+
+<p>"Morocco swam in blood when we arrived. Fifty sons of the Emperor
+Muley-Ismael<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a> had each their adherents; this produced fifty civil
+wars, of blacks against blacks, and blacks against tawnies, and tawnies
+against tawnies, and mulattoes against mulattoes. In short it was a
+continual carnage throughout the empire.</p>
+
+<p>"No sooner were we landed, than the blacks of a contrary faction to that
+of my captain attempted to rob him of his booty. Next to jewels and gold
+we were the most valuable things he had. I was witness to such a battle
+as you have never seen in your European climates. The northern nations
+have not that heat in their blood, nor that raging lust for women, so
+common in Africa. It seems that you Europeans have only milk in your
+veins; but it is vitriol, it is fire which runs in those of the
+inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighbouring countries. They fought
+with the fury of the lions, tigers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> and serpents of the country, to see
+who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while my
+captain's lieutenant held her by the left; a Moorish soldier had hold of
+her by one leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. Thus
+almost all our women were drawn in quarters by four men. My captain
+concealed me behind him; and with his drawn scimitar cut and slashed
+every one that opposed his fury. At length I saw all our Italian women,
+and my mother herself, torn, mangled, massacred, by the monsters who
+disputed over them. The slaves, my companions, those who had taken them,
+soldiers, sailors, blacks, whites, mulattoes, and at last my captain,
+all were killed, and I remained dying on a heap of dead. Such scenes as
+this were transacted through an extent of three hundred leagues&mdash;and yet
+they never missed the five prayers a day ordained by Mahomet.</p>
+
+<p>"With difficulty I disengaged myself from such a heap of slaughtered
+bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the bank of a neighbouring
+rivulet, where I fell, oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair,
+and hunger. Immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves
+up to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. I was in this
+state of weakness and insensibility, between life and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> death, when I
+felt myself pressed by something that moved upon my body. I opened my
+eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed, and who said
+between his teeth: '<i>O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!</i>'"<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE ADVENTURES OF THE OLD WOMAN CONTINUED.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no less
+surprised at what this man said, I made answer that there were much
+greater misfortunes than that of which he complained. I told him in a
+few words of the horrors which I had endured, and fainted a second time.
+He carried me to a neighbouring house, put me to bed, gave me food,
+waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he told me that he had never
+seen any one so beautiful as I, and that he never so much regretted the
+loss of what it was impossible to recover.</p>
+
+<p>"'I was born at Naples,' said he, 'there they geld two or three thousand
+children every year; some die of the operation, others acquire a voice
+more beautiful than that of women, and others are raised to offices of
+state.<a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a> This operation was performed on me with great success and I
+was chapel musician to madam, the Princess of Palestrina.'</p>
+
+<p>"'To my mother!' cried I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your mother!' cried he, weeping. 'What!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> can you be that young
+princess whom I brought up until the age of six years, and who promised
+so early to be as beautiful as you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'It is I, indeed; but my mother lies four hundred yards hence, torn in
+quarters, under a heap of dead bodies.'</p>
+
+<p>"I told him all my adventures, and he made me acquainted with his;
+telling me that he had been sent to the Emperor of Morocco by a
+Christian power, to conclude a treaty with that prince, in consequence
+of which he was to be furnished with military stores and ships to help
+to demolish the commerce of other Christian Governments.</p>
+
+<p>"'My mission is done,' said this honest eunuch; 'I go to embark for
+Ceuta, and will take you to Italy. <i>Ma che sciagura d'essere senza
+coglioni!</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"I thanked him with tears of commiseration; and instead of taking me to
+Italy he conducted me to Algiers, where he sold me to the Dey. Scarcely
+was I sold, than the plague which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and
+Europe, broke out with great malignancy in Algiers. You have seen
+earthquakes; but pray, miss, have you ever had the plague?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never," answered Cunegonde.</p>
+
+<p>"If you had," said the old woman, "you would acknowledge that it is far
+more terrible<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> than an earthquake. It is common in Africa, and I caught
+it. Imagine to yourself the distressed situation of the daughter of a
+Pope, only fifteen years old, who, in less than three months, had felt
+the miseries of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day,
+had beheld her mother drawn in quarters, had experienced famine and war,
+and was dying of the plague in Algiers. I did not die, however, but my
+eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers perished.</p>
+
+<p>"As soon as the first fury of this terrible pestilence was over, a sale
+was made of the Dey's slaves; I was purchased by a merchant, and carried
+to Tunis; this man sold me to another merchant, who sold me again to
+another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria, from
+Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. At length I
+became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries, who was soon ordered
+away to the defence of Azof, then besieged by the Russians.</p>
+
+<p>"The Aga, who was a very gallant man, took his whole seraglio with him,
+and lodged us in a small fort on the Palus M&eacute;otides, guarded by two
+black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. The Turks killed prodigious numbers
+of the Russians, but the latter had their revenge. Azof was destroyed by
+fire, the inhabitants put to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> the sword, neither sex nor age was spared;
+until there remained only our little fort, and the enemy wanted to
+starve us out. The twenty Janissaries had sworn they would never
+surrender. The extremities of famine to which they were reduced, obliged
+them to eat our two eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. And at
+the end of a few days they resolved also to devour the women.</p>
+
+<p>"We had a very pious and humane Iman, who preached an excellent sermon,
+exhorting them not to kill us all at once.</p>
+
+<p>"'Only cut off a buttock of each of those ladies,' said he, 'and you'll
+fare extremely well; if you must go to it again, there will be the same
+entertainment a few days hence; heaven will accept of so charitable an
+action, and send you relief.'</p>
+
+<p>"He had great eloquence; he persuaded them; we underwent this terrible
+operation. The Iman applied the same balsam to us, as he does to
+children after circumcision; and we all nearly died.</p>
+
+<p>"Scarcely had the Janissaries finished the repast with which we had
+furnished them, than the Russians came in flat-bottomed boats; not a
+Janissary escaped. The Russians paid no attention to the condition we
+were in. There are French surgeons in all parts of the world; one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> of
+them who was very clever took us under his care&mdash;he cured us; and as
+long as I live I shall remember that as soon as my wounds were healed he
+made proposals to me. He bid us all be of good cheer, telling us that
+the like had happened in many sieges, and that it was according to the
+laws of war.</p>
+
+<p>"As soon as my companions could walk, they were obliged to set out for
+Moscow. I fell to the share of a Boyard who made me his gardener, and
+gave me twenty lashes a day. But this nobleman having in two years' time
+been broke upon the wheel along with thirty more Boyards for some broils
+at court, I profited by that event; I fled. I traversed all Russia; I
+was a long time an inn-holder's servant at Riga, the same at Rostock, at
+Vismar, at Leipzig, at Cassel, at Utrecht, at Leyden, at the Hague, at
+Rotterdam. I waxed old in misery and disgrace, having only one-half of
+my posteriors, and always remembering I was a Pope's daughter. A hundred
+times I was upon the point of killing myself; but still I loved life.
+This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics;
+for is there anything more absurd than to wish to carry continually a
+burden which one can always throw down? to detest existence and yet to
+cling to one's existence? in brief, to caress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> the serpent which devours
+us, till he has eaten our very heart?</p>
+
+<p>"In the different countries which it has been my lot to traverse, and
+the numerous inns where I have been servant, I have taken notice of a
+vast number of people who held their own existence in abhorrence, and
+yet I never knew of more than eight who voluntarily put an end to their
+misery; three negroes, four Englishmen, and a German professor named
+Robek.<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a> I ended by being servant to the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed
+me near your presence, my fair lady. I am determined to share your fate,
+and have been much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own.
+I would never even have spoken to you of my misfortunes, had you not
+piqued me a little, and if it were not customary to tell stories on
+board a ship in order to pass away the time. In short, Miss Cunegonde, I
+have had experience, I know the world; therefore I advise you to divert
+yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story; and if
+there be one of them all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that
+has not frequently looked upon himself as the unhappiest of mortals, I
+give you leave to throw me headforemost into the sea."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XIII</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE WAS FORCED AWAY FROM HIS FAIR CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>The beautiful Cunegonde having heard the old woman's history, paid her
+all the civilities due to a person of her rank and merit. She likewise
+accepted her proposal, and engaged all the passengers, one after the
+other, to relate their adventures; and then both she and Candide allowed
+that the old woman was in the right.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a great pity," said Candide, "that the sage Pangloss was hanged
+contrary to custom at an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>; he would tell us most amazing
+things in regard to the physical and moral evils that overspread earth
+and sea, and I should be able, with due respect, to make a few
+objections."</p>
+
+<p>While each passenger was recounting his story, the ship made her way.
+They landed at Buenos Ayres. Cunegonde, Captain Candide, and the old
+woman, waited on the Governor, Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y
+Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza. This nobleman had a stateliness
+becoming a person who bore so many<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> names. He spoke to men with so noble
+a disdain, carried his nose so loftily, raised his voice so
+unmercifully, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked with such
+intolerable pride, that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to
+give him a good drubbing. Cunegonde appeared to him the most beautiful
+he had ever met. The first thing he did was to ask whether she was not
+the captain's wife. The manner in which he asked the question alarmed
+Candide; he durst not say she was his wife, because indeed she was not;
+neither durst he say she was his sister, because it was not so; and
+although this obliging lie had been formerly much in favour among the
+ancients, and although it could be useful to the moderns, his soul was
+too pure to betray the truth.</p>
+
+<p>"Miss Cunegonde," said he, "is to do me the honour to marry me, and we
+beseech your excellency to deign to sanction our marriage."</p>
+
+<p>Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
+turning up his moustachios, smiled mockingly, and ordered Captain
+Candide to go and review his company. Candide obeyed, and the Governor
+remained alone with Miss Cunegonde. He declared his passion, protesting
+he would marry her the next day in the face of the church, or otherwise,
+just as should be agreeable to herself. Cunegonde<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> asked a quarter of an
+hour to consider of it, to consult the old woman, and to take her
+resolution.</p>
+
+<p>The old woman spoke thus to Cunegonde:</p>
+
+<p>"Miss, you have seventy-two quarterings, and not a farthing; it is now
+in your power to be wife to the greatest lord in South America, who has
+very beautiful moustachios. Is it for you to pique yourself upon
+inviolable fidelity? You have been ravished by Bulgarians; a Jew and an
+Inquisitor have enjoyed your favours. Misfortune gives sufficient
+excuse. I own, that if I were in your place, I should have no scruple in
+marrying the Governor and in making the fortune of Captain Candide."</p>
+
+<p>While the old woman spoke with all the prudence which age and experience
+gave, a small ship entered the port on board of which were an Alcalde
+and his alguazils, and this was what had happened.</p>
+
+<p>As the old woman had shrewdly guessed, it was a Grey Friar who stole
+Cunegonde's money and jewels in the town of Badajos, when she and
+Candide were escaping. The Friar wanted to sell some of the diamonds to
+a jeweller; the jeweller knew them to be the Grand Inquisitor's. The
+Friar before he was hanged confessed he had stolen them. He described
+the persons, and the route they had taken. The flight of Cunegonde<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> and
+Candide was already known. They were traced to Cadiz. A vessel was
+immediately sent in pursuit of them. The vessel was already in the port
+of Buenos Ayres. The report spread that the Alcalde was going to land,
+and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of my lord the Grand
+Inquisitor. The prudent old woman saw at once what was to be done.</p>
+
+<p>"You cannot run away," said she to Cunegonde, "and you have nothing to
+fear, for it was not you that killed my lord; besides the Governor who
+loves you will not suffer you to be ill-treated; therefore stay."</p>
+
+<p>She then ran immediately to Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Fly," said she, "or in an hour you will be burnt."</p>
+
+<p>There was not a moment to lose; but how could he part from Cunegonde,
+and where could he flee for shelter?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XIV</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE AND CACAMBO WERE RECEIVED BY THE JESUITS OF PARAGUAY.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide had brought such a valet with him from Cadiz, as one often meets
+with on the coasts of Spain and in the American colonies. He was a
+quarter Spaniard, born of a mongrel in Tucuman; he had been singing-boy,
+sacristan, sailor, monk, pedlar, soldier, and lackey. His name was
+Cacambo, and he loved his master, because his master was a very good
+man. He quickly saddled the two Andalusian horses.</p>
+
+<p>"Come, master, let us follow the old woman's advice; let us start, and
+run without looking behind us."</p>
+
+<p>Candide shed tears.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! my dear Cunegonde! must I leave you just at a time when the
+Governor was going to sanction our nuptials? Cunegonde, brought to such
+a distance what will become of you?"</p>
+
+<p>"She will do as well as she can," said Cacambo; "the women are never at
+a loss, God provides for them, let us run."</p>
+
+<p>"Whither art thou carrying me? Where shall<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> we go? What shall we do
+without Cunegonde?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"By St. James of Compostella," said Cacambo, "you were going to fight
+against the Jesuits; let us go to fight for them; I know the road well,
+I'll conduct you to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have a
+captain that understands the Bulgarian exercise. You'll make a
+prodigious fortune; if we cannot find our account in one world we shall
+in another. It is a great pleasure to see and do new things."</p>
+
+<p>"You have before been in Paraguay, then?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, sure," answered Cacambo, "I was servant in the College of the
+Assumption, and am acquainted with the government of the good Fathers as
+well as I am with the streets of Cadiz. It is an admirable government.
+The kingdom is upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter, and divided
+into thirty provinces; there the Fathers possess all, and the people
+nothing; it is a masterpiece of reason and justice. For my part I see
+nothing so divine as the Fathers who here make war upon the kings of
+Spain and Portugal, and in Europe confess those kings; who here kill
+Spaniards, and in Madrid send them to heaven; this delights me, let us
+push forward. You are going to be the happiest of mortals. What pleasure
+will it be to those<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> Fathers to hear that a captain who knows the
+Bulgarian exercise has come to them!"</p>
+
+<p>As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo told the advanced
+guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord the Commandant. Notice
+was given to the main guard, and immediately a Paraguayan officer ran
+and laid himself at the feet of the Commandant, to impart this news to
+him. Candide and Cacambo were disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses
+seized. The strangers were introduced between two files of musketeers;
+the Commandant was at the further end, with the three-cornered cap on
+his head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a spontoon<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a> in
+his hand. He beckoned, and straightway the new-comers were encompassed
+by four-and-twenty soldiers. A sergeant told them they must wait, that
+the Commandant could not speak to them, and that the reverend Father
+Provincial does not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in his
+presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.</p>
+
+<p>"And where is the reverend Father Provincial?" said Cacambo.</p>
+
+<p>"He is upon the parade just after celebrating mass," answered the
+sergeant, "and you cannot kiss his spurs till three hours hence."</p>
+
+<p>"However," said Cacambo, "the captain is not a Spaniard, but a German,
+he is ready to perish<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> with hunger as well as myself; cannot we have
+something for breakfast, while we wait for his reverence?"</p>
+
+<p>The sergeant went immediately to acquaint the Commandant with what he
+had heard.</p>
+
+<p>"God be praised!" said the reverend Commandant, "since he is a German, I
+may speak to him; take him to my arbour."</p>
+
+<p>Candide was at once conducted to a beautiful summer-house, ornamented
+with a very pretty colonnade of green and gold marble, and with
+trellises, enclosing parraquets, humming-birds, fly-birds, guinea-hens,
+and all other rare birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels
+of gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden
+dishes, in the open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun, the
+reverend Father Commandant retired to his arbour.</p>
+
+<p>He was a very handsome young man, with a full face, white skin but high
+in colour; he had an arched eyebrow, a lively eye, red ears, vermilion
+lips, a bold air, but such a boldness as neither belonged to a Spaniard
+nor a Jesuit. They returned their arms to Candide and Cacambo, and also
+the two Andalusian horses; to whom Cacambo gave some oats to eat just by
+the arbour, having an eye upon them all the while for fear of a
+surprise.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Candide first kissed the hem of the Commandant's robe, then they sat
+down to table.</p>
+
+<p>"You are, then, a German?" said the Jesuit to him in that language.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, reverend Father," answered Candide.</p>
+
+<p>As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great
+amazement, and with such an emotion as they could not conceal.</p>
+
+<p>"And from what part of Germany do you come?" said the Jesuit.</p>
+
+<p>"I am from the dirty province of Westphalia," answered Candide; "I was
+born in the Castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! Heavens! is it possible?" cried the Commandant.</p>
+
+<p>"What a miracle!" cried Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Is it really you?" said the Commandant.</p>
+
+<p>"It is not possible!" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>They drew back; they embraced; they shed rivulets of tears.</p>
+
+<p>"What, is it you, reverend Father? You, the brother of the fair
+Cunegonde! You, that was slain by the Bulgarians! You, the Baron's son!
+You, a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world that
+we live in. Oh, Pangloss! Pangloss! how glad you would be if you had not
+been hanged!"</p>
+
+<p>The Commandant sent away the negro slaves and the Paraguayans, who
+served them with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> liquors in goblets of rock-crystal. He thanked God and
+St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms; and their
+faces were all bathed with tears.</p>
+
+<p>"You will be more surprised, more affected, and transported," said
+Candide, "when I tell you that Cunegonde, your sister, whom you believe
+to have been ripped open, is in perfect health."</p>
+
+<p>"Where?"</p>
+
+<p>"In your neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I was
+going to fight against you."</p>
+
+<p>Every word which they uttered in this long conversation but added wonder
+to wonder. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their
+ears, and sparkled in their eyes. As they were Germans, they sat a good
+while at table, waiting for the reverend Father Provincial, and the
+Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as follows.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XV</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE KILLED THE BROTHER OF HIS DEAR CUNEGONDE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"I shall have ever present to my memory the dreadful day, on which I saw
+my father and mother killed, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians
+retired, my dear sister could not be found; but my mother, my father,
+and myself, with two maid-servants and three little boys all of whom had
+been slain, were put in a hearse, to be conveyed for interment to a
+chapel belonging to the Jesuits, within two leagues of our family seat.
+A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water; it was horribly salt; a few
+drops of it fell into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids
+stirred a little; he put his hand upon my heart and felt it beat. I
+received assistance, and at the end of three weeks I recovered. You
+know, my dear Candide, I was very pretty; but I grew much prettier, and
+the reverend Father Didrie,<a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a> Superior of that House, conceived the
+tenderest friendship for me; he gave me the habit of the order, some
+years after I was sent to Rome. The Father-General<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> needed new levies of
+young German-Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay admit as few Spanish
+Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations as being more
+subordinate to their commands. I was judged fit by the reverend
+Father-General to go and work in this vineyard. We set out&mdash;a Pole, a
+Tyrolese, and myself. Upon my arrival I was honoured with a
+sub-deaconship and a lieutenancy. I am to-day colonel and priest. We
+shall give a warm reception to the King of Spain's troops; I will answer
+for it that they shall be excommunicated and well beaten. Providence
+sends you here to assist us. But is it, indeed, true that my dear sister
+Cunegonde is in the neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres?"</p>
+
+<p>Candide assured him on oath that nothing was more true, and their tears
+began afresh.</p>
+
+<p>The Baron could not refrain from embracing Candide; he called him his
+brother, his saviour.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! perhaps," said he, "we shall together, my dear Candide, enter the
+town as conquerors, and recover my sister Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>"That is all I want," said Candide, "for I intended to marry her, and I
+still hope to do so."</p>
+
+<p>"You insolent!" replied the Baron, "would you have the impudence to
+marry my sister who has seventy-two quarterings! I find thou hast<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> the
+most consummate effrontery to dare to mention so presumptuous a design!"</p>
+
+<p>Candide, petrified at this speech, made answer:</p>
+
+<p>"Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world signify nothing; I
+rescued your sister from the arms of a Jew and of an Inquisitor; she has
+great obligations to me, she wishes to marry me; Master Pangloss always
+told me that all men are equal, and certainly I will marry her."</p>
+
+<p>"We shall see that, thou scoundrel!" said the Jesuit Baron de
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, and that instant struck him across the face with
+the flat of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier, and
+plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's belly; but in pulling it out
+reeking hot, he burst into tears.</p>
+
+<p>"Good God!" said he, "I have killed my old master, my friend, my
+brother-in-law! I am the best-natured creature in the world, and yet I
+have already killed three men, and of these three two were priests."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo, who stood sentry by the door of the arbour, ran to him.</p>
+
+<p>"We have nothing more for it than to sell our lives as dearly as we
+can," said his master to him, "without doubt some one will soon enter
+the arbour, and we must die sword in hand."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo, who had been in a great many<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> scrapes in his lifetime, did not
+lose his head; he took the Baron's Jesuit habit, put it on Candide, gave
+him the square cap, and made him mount on horseback. All this was done
+in the twinkling of an eye.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us gallop fast, master, everybody will take you for a Jesuit, going
+to give directions to your men, and we shall have passed the frontiers
+before they will be able to overtake us."</p>
+
+<p>He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish:</p>
+
+<p>"Make way, make way, for the reverend Father Colonel."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XVI</h2>
+
+<h3>ADVENTURES OF THE TWO TRAVELLERS, WITH TWO GIRLS, TWO MONKEYS, AND THE
+SAVAGES CALLED OREILLONS.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide and his valet had got beyond the barrier, before it was known in
+the camp that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken
+care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit, and a few
+bottles of wine. With their Andalusian horses they penetrated into an
+unknown country, where they perceived no beaten track. At length they
+came to a beautiful meadow intersected with purling rills. Here our two
+adventurers fed their horses. Cacambo proposed to his master to take
+some food, and he set him an example.</p>
+
+<p>"How can you ask me to eat ham," said Candide, "after killing the
+Baron's son, and being doomed never more to see the beautiful Cunegonde?
+What will it avail me to spin out my wretched days and drag them far
+from her in remorse and despair? And what will the <i>Journal of
+Trevoux</i><a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a> say?"</p>
+
+<p>While he was thus lamenting his fate, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> went on eating. The sun went
+down. The two wanderers heard some little cries which seemed to be
+uttered by women. They did not know whether they were cries of pain or
+joy; but they started up precipitately with that inquietude and alarm
+which every little thing inspires in an unknown country. The noise was
+made by two naked girls, who tripped along the mead, while two monkeys
+were pursuing them and biting their buttocks. Candide was moved with
+pity; he had learned to fire a gun in the Bulgarian service, and he was
+so clever at it, that he could hit a filbert in a hedge without touching
+a leaf of the tree. He took up his double-barrelled Spanish fusil, let
+it off, and killed the two monkeys.</p>
+
+<p>"God be praised! My dear Cacambo, I have rescued those two poor
+creatures from a most perilous situation. If I have committed a sin in
+killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving
+the lives of these girls. Perhaps they are young ladies of family; and
+this adventure may procure us great advantages in this country."</p>
+
+<p>He was continuing, but stopped short when he saw the two girls tenderly
+embracing the monkeys, bathing their bodies in tears, and rending the
+air with the most dismal lamentations.</p>
+
+<p>"Little did I expect to see such good-nature,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> said he at length to
+Cacambo; who made answer:</p>
+
+<p>"Master, you have done a fine thing now; you have slain the sweethearts
+of those two young ladies."</p>
+
+<p>"The sweethearts! Is it possible? You are jesting, Cacambo, I can never
+believe it!"</p>
+
+<p>"Dear master," replied Cacambo; "you are surprised at everything. Why
+should you think it so strange that in some countries there are monkeys
+which insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies; they are
+a fourth part human, as I am a fourth part Spaniard."</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" replied Candide, "I remember to have heard Master Pangloss say,
+that formerly such accidents used to happen; that these mixtures were
+productive of Centaurs, Fauns, and Satyrs; and that many of the ancients
+had seen such monsters, but I looked upon the whole as fabulous."</p>
+
+<p>"You ought now to be convinced," said Cacambo, "that it is the truth,
+and you see what use is made of those creatures, by persons that have
+not had a proper education; all I fear is that those ladies will play us
+some ugly trick."</p>
+
+<p>These sound reflections induced Candide to leave the meadow and to
+plunge into a wood. He supped there with Cacambo; and after cursing the
+Portuguese inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they
+fell asleep<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> on moss. On awaking they felt that they could not move; for
+during the night the Oreillons, who inhabited that country, and to whom
+the ladies had denounced them, had bound them with cords made of the
+bark of trees. They were encompassed by fifty naked Oreillons, armed
+with bows and arrows, with clubs and flint hatchets. Some were making a
+large cauldron boil, others were preparing spits, and all cried:</p>
+
+<p>"A Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged, we shall have excellent
+cheer, let us eat the Jesuit, let us eat him up!"</p>
+
+<p>"I told you, my dear master," cried Cacambo sadly, "that those two girls
+would play us some ugly trick."</p>
+
+<p>Candide seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried:</p>
+
+<p>"We are certainly going to be either roasted or boiled. Ah! what would
+Master Pangloss say, were he to see how pure nature is formed?
+Everything is right, may be, but I declare it is very hard to have lost
+Miss Cunegonde and to be put upon a spit by Oreillons."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo never lost his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Do not despair," said he to the disconsolate Candide, "I understand a
+little of the jargon of these people, I will speak to them."</p>
+
+<p>"Be sure," said Candide, "to represent to them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> how frightfully inhuman
+it is to cook men, and how very un-Christian."</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said Cacambo, "you reckon you are to-day going to feast
+upon a Jesuit. It is all very well, nothing is more unjust than thus to
+treat your enemies. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our
+neighbour, and such is the practice all over the world. If we do not
+accustom ourselves to eating them, it is because we have better fare.
+But you have not the same resources as we; certainly it is much better
+to devour your enemies than to resign to the crows and rooks the fruits
+of your victory. But, gentlemen, surely you would not choose to eat your
+friends. You believe that you are going to spit a Jesuit, and he is your
+defender. It is the enemy of your enemies that you are going to roast.
+As for myself, I was born in your country; this gentleman is my master,
+and, far from being a Jesuit, he has just killed one, whose spoils he
+wears; and thence comes your mistake. To convince you of the truth of
+what I say, take his habit and carry it to the first barrier of the
+Jesuit kingdom, and inform yourselves whether my master did not kill a
+Jesuit officer. It will not take you long, and you can always eat us if
+you find that I have lied to you. But I have told you the truth. You are
+too well acquainted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> with the principles of public law, humanity, and
+justice not to pardon us."</p>
+
+<p>The Oreillons found this speech very reasonable. They deputed two of
+their principal people with all expedition to inquire into the truth of
+the matter; these executed their commission like men of sense, and soon
+returned with good news. The Oreillons untied their prisoners, showed
+them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshment,
+and reconducted them to the confines of their territories, proclaiming
+with great joy:</p>
+
+<p>"He is no Jesuit! He is no Jesuit!"</p>
+
+<p>Candide could not help being surprised at the cause of his deliverance.</p>
+
+<p>"What people!" said he; "what men! what manners! If I had not been so
+lucky as to run Miss Cunegonde's brother through the body, I should have
+been devoured without redemption. But, after all, pure nature is good,
+since these people, instead of feasting upon my flesh, have shown me a
+thousand civilities, when then I was not a Jesuit."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XVII</h2>
+
+<h3>ARRIVAL OF CANDIDE AND HIS VALET AT EL DORADO, AND WHAT THEY SAW THERE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"You see," said Cacambo to Candide, as soon as they had reached the
+frontiers of the Oreillons, "that this hemisphere is not better than the
+others, take my word for it; let us go back to Europe by the shortest
+way."</p>
+
+<p>"How go back?" said Candide, "and where shall we go? to my own country?
+The Bulgarians and the Abares are slaying all; to Portugal? there I
+shall be burnt; and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of
+being spitted. But how can I resolve to quit a part of the world where
+my dear Cunegonde resides?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let us turn towards Cayenne," said Cacambo, "there we shall find
+Frenchmen, who wander all over the world; they may assist us; God will
+perhaps have pity on us."</p>
+
+<p>It was not easy to get to Cayenne; they knew vaguely in which direction
+to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, obstructed them all the
+way. Their horses died of fatigue. Their provisions were consumed; they
+fed a whole<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> month upon wild fruits, and found themselves at last near a
+little river bordered with cocoa trees, which sustained their lives and
+their hopes.</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo, who was as good a counsellor as the old woman, said to Candide:</p>
+
+<p>"We are able to hold out no longer; we have walked enough. I see an
+empty canoe near the river-side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, throw
+ourselves into it, and go with the current; a river always leads to some
+inhabited spot. If we do not find pleasant things we shall at least find
+new things."</p>
+
+<p>"With all my heart," said Candide, "let us recommend ourselves to
+Providence."</p>
+
+<p>They rowed a few leagues, between banks, in some places flowery, in
+others barren; in some parts smooth, in others rugged. The stream ever
+widened, and at length lost itself under an arch of frightful rocks
+which reached to the sky. The two travellers had the courage to commit
+themselves to the current. The river, suddenly contracting at this
+place, whirled them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity. At the end
+of four-and-twenty hours they saw daylight again, but their canoe was
+dashed to pieces against the rocks. For a league they had to creep from
+rock to rock, until at length they discovered an extensive plain,
+bounded by inaccessible mountains. The country was cultivated<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> as much
+for pleasure as for necessity. On all sides the useful was also the
+beautiful. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages of
+a glittering form and substance, in which were men and women of
+surprising beauty, drawn by large red sheep which surpassed in fleetness
+the finest coursers of Andalusia, Tetuan, and Mequinez.<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a></p>
+
+<p>"Here, however, is a country," said Candide, "which is better than
+Westphalia."</p>
+
+<p>He stepped out with Cacambo towards the first village which he saw. Some
+children dressed in tattered brocades played at quoits on the outskirts.
+Our travellers from the other world amused themselves by looking on. The
+quoits were large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a
+singular lustre! The travellers picked a few of them off the ground;
+this was of gold, that of emeralds, the other of rubies&mdash;the least of
+them would have been the greatest ornament on the Mogul's throne.</p>
+
+<p>"Without doubt," said Cacambo, "these children must be the king's sons
+that are playing at quoits!"</p>
+
+<p>The village schoolmaster appeared at this moment and called them to
+school.</p>
+
+<p>"There," said Candide, "is the preceptor of the royal family."</p>
+
+<p>The little truants immediately quitted their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> game, leaving the quoits
+on the ground with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up,
+ran to the master, and presented them to him in a most humble manner,
+giving him to understand by signs that their royal highnesses had
+forgotten their gold and jewels. The schoolmaster, smiling, flung them
+upon the ground; then, looking at Candide with a good deal of surprise,
+went about his business.</p>
+
+<p>The travellers, however, took care to gather up the gold, the rubies,
+and the emeralds.</p>
+
+<p>"Where are we?" cried Candide. "The king's children in this country must
+be well brought up, since they are taught to despise gold and precious
+stones."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo was as much surprised as Candide. At length they drew near the
+first house in the village. It was built like an European palace. A
+crowd of people pressed about the door, and there were still more in the
+house. They heard most agreeable music, and were aware of a delicious
+odour of cooking. Cacambo went up to the door and heard they were
+talking Peruvian; it was his mother tongue, for it is well known that
+Cacambo was born in Tucuman, in a village where no other language was
+spoken.</p>
+
+<p>"I will be your interpreter here," said he to Candide; "let us go in, it
+is a public-house."</p>
+
+<p>Immediately two waiters and two girls,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> dressed in cloth of gold, and
+their hair tied up with ribbons, invited them to sit down to table with
+the landlord. They served four dishes of soup, each garnished with two
+young parrots; a boiled condor<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a> which weighed two hundred pounds; two
+roasted monkeys, of excellent flavour; three hundred humming-birds in
+one dish, and six hundred fly-birds in another; exquisite ragouts;
+delicious pastries; the whole served up in dishes of a kind of
+rock-crystal. The waiters and girls poured out several liqueurs drawn
+from the sugar-cane.</p>
+
+<p>Most of the company were chapmen and waggoners, all extremely polite;
+they asked Cacambo a few questions with the greatest circumspection, and
+answered his in the most obliging manner.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as dinner was over, Cacambo believed as well as Candide that
+they might well pay their reckoning by laying down two of those large
+gold pieces which they had picked up. The landlord and landlady shouted
+with laughter and held their sides. When the fit was over:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said the landlord, "it is plain you are strangers, and such
+guests we are not accustomed to see; pardon us therefore for laughing
+when you offered us the pebbles from our highroads in payment of your
+reckoning. You doubtless have not the money of the country;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> but it is
+not necessary to have any money at all to dine in this house. All
+hostelries established for the convenience of commerce are paid by the
+government. You have fared but very indifferently because this is a poor
+village; but everywhere else, you will be received as you deserve."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo explained this whole discourse with great astonishment to
+Candide, who was as greatly astonished to hear it.</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a country then is this," said they to one another; "a
+country unknown to all the rest of the world, and where nature is of a
+kind so different from ours? It is probably the country where all is
+well; for there absolutely must be one such place. And, whatever Master
+Pangloss might say, I often found that things went very ill in
+Westphalia."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT THEY SAW IN THE COUNTRY OF EL DORADO.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Cacambo expressed his curiosity to the landlord, who made answer:</p>
+
+<p>"I am very ignorant, but not the worse on that account. However, we have
+in this neighbourhood an old man retired from Court who is the most
+learned and most communicative person in the kingdom."</p>
+
+<p>At once he took Cacambo to the old man. Candide acted now only a second
+character, and accompanied his valet. They entered a very plain house,
+for the door was only of silver, and the ceilings were only of gold, but
+wrought in so elegant a taste as to vie with the richest. The
+antechamber, indeed, was only encrusted with rubies and emeralds, but
+the order in which everything was arranged made amends for this great
+simplicity.</p>
+
+<p>The old man received the strangers on his sofa, which was stuffed with
+humming-birds' feathers, and ordered his servants to present them with
+liqueurs in diamond goblets; after<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> which he satisfied their curiosity
+in the following terms:</p>
+
+<p>"I am now one hundred and seventy-two years old, and I learnt of my late
+father, Master of the Horse to the King, the amazing revolutions of
+Peru, of which he had been an eyewitness. The kingdom we now inhabit is
+the ancient country of the Incas, who quitted it very imprudently to
+conquer another part of the world, and were at length destroyed by the
+Spaniards.</p>
+
+<p>"More wise by far were the princes of their family, who remained in
+their native country; and they ordained, with the consent of the whole
+nation, that none of the inhabitants should ever be permitted to quit
+this little kingdom; and this has preserved our innocence and happiness.
+The Spaniards have had a confused notion of this country, and have
+called it <i>El Dorado</i>; and an Englishman, whose name was Sir Walter
+Raleigh, came very near it about a hundred years ago; but being
+surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we have hitherto been
+sheltered from the rapaciousness of European nations, who have an
+inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake
+of which they would murder us to the last man."</p>
+
+<p>The conversation was long: it turned chiefly on their form of
+government, their manners,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> their women, their public entertainments,
+and the arts. At length Candide, having always had a taste for
+metaphysics, made Cacambo ask whether there was any religion in that
+country.</p>
+
+<p>The old man reddened a little.</p>
+
+<p>"How then," said he, "can you doubt it? Do you take us for ungrateful
+wretches?"</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo humbly asked, "What was the religion in El Dorado?"</p>
+
+<p>The old man reddened again.</p>
+
+<p>"Can there be two religions?" said he. "We have, I believe, the religion
+of all the world: we worship God night and morning."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you worship but one God?" said Cacambo, who still acted as
+interpreter in representing Candide's doubts.</p>
+
+<p>"Surely," said the old man, "there are not two, nor three, nor four. I
+must confess the people from your side of the world ask very
+extraordinary questions."</p>
+
+<p>Candide was not yet tired of interrogating the good old man; he wanted
+to know in what manner they prayed to God in El Dorado.</p>
+
+<p>"We do not pray to Him," said the worthy sage; "we have nothing to ask
+of Him; He has given us all we need, and we return Him thanks without
+ceasing."</p>
+
+<p>Candide having a curiosity to see the priests<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> asked where they were.
+The good old man smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," said he, "we are all priests. The King and all the heads of
+families sing solemn canticles of thanksgiving every morning,
+accompanied by five or six thousand musicians."</p>
+
+<p>"What! have you no monks who teach, who dispute, who govern, who cabal,
+and who burn people that are not of their opinion?"</p>
+
+<p>"We must be mad, indeed, if that were the case," said the old man; "here
+we are all of one opinion, and we know not what you mean by monks."</p>
+
+<p>During this whole discourse Candide was in raptures, and he said to
+himself:</p>
+
+<p>"This is vastly different from Westphalia and the Baron's castle. Had
+our friend Pangloss seen El Dorado he would no longer have said that the
+castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was the finest upon earth. It is evident
+that one must travel."</p>
+
+<p>After this long conversation the old man ordered a coach and six sheep
+to be got ready, and twelve of his domestics to conduct the travellers
+to Court.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," said he, "if my age deprives me of the honour of
+accompanying you. The King will receive you in a manner that cannot
+displease you; and no doubt you will make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> an allowance for the customs
+of the country, if some things should not be to your liking."</p>
+
+<p>Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the six sheep flew, and in less
+than four hours they reached the King's palace situated at the extremity
+of the capital. The portal was two hundred and twenty feet high, and one
+hundred wide; but words are wanting to express the materials of which it
+was built. It is plain such materials must have prodigious superiority
+over those pebbles and sand which we call gold and precious stones.</p>
+
+<p>Twenty beautiful damsels of the King's guard received Candide and
+Cacambo as they alighted from the coach, conducted them to the bath, and
+dressed them in robes woven of the down of humming-birds; after which
+the great crown officers, of both sexes, led them to the King's
+apartment, between two files of musicians, a thousand on each side. When
+they drew near to the audience chamber Cacambo asked one of the great
+officers in what way he should pay his obeisance to his Majesty; whether
+they should throw themselves upon their knees or on their stomachs;
+whether they should put their hands upon their heads or behind their
+backs; whether they should lick the dust off the floor; in a word, what
+was the ceremony?</p>
+
+<p>"The custom," said the great officer, "is to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> embrace the King, and to
+kiss him on each cheek."</p>
+
+<p>Candide and Cacambo threw themselves round his Majesty's neck. He
+received them with all the goodness imaginable, and politely invited
+them to supper.</p>
+
+<p>While waiting they were shown the city, and saw the public edifices
+raised as high as the clouds, the market places ornamented with a
+thousand columns, the fountains of spring water, those of rose water,
+those of liqueurs drawn from sugar-cane, incessantly flowing into the
+great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stone, which
+gave off a delicious fragrancy like that of cloves and cinnamon. Candide
+asked to see the court of justice, the parliament. They told him they
+had none, and that they were strangers to lawsuits. He asked if they had
+any prisons, and they answered no. But what surprised him most and gave
+him the greatest pleasure was the palace of sciences, where he saw a
+gallery two thousand feet long, and filled with instruments employed in
+mathematics and physics.</p>
+
+<p>After rambling about the city the whole afternoon, and seeing but a
+thousandth part of it, they were reconducted to the royal palace, where
+Candide sat down to table with his Majesty, his valet Cacambo, and
+several ladies. Never was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> there a better entertainment, and never was
+more wit shown at a table than that which fell from his Majesty. Cacambo
+explained the King's <i>bon-mots</i> to Candide, and notwithstanding they
+were translated they still appeared to be <i>bon-mots</i>. Of all the things
+that surprised Candide this was not the least.</p>
+
+<p>They spent a month in this hospitable place. Candide frequently said to
+Cacambo:</p>
+
+<p>"I own, my friend, once more that the castle where I was born is nothing
+in comparison with this; but, after all, Miss Cunegonde is not here, and
+you have, without doubt, some mistress in Europe. If we abide here we
+shall only be upon a footing with the rest, whereas, if we return to our
+old world, only with twelve sheep laden with the pebbles of El Dorado,
+we shall be richer than all the kings in Europe. We shall have no more
+Inquisitors to fear, and we may easily recover Miss Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>This speech was agreeable to Cacambo; mankind are so fond of roving, of
+making a figure in their own country, and of boasting of what they have
+seen in their travels, that the two happy ones resolved to be no longer
+so, but to ask his Majesty's leave to quit the country.</p>
+
+<p>"You are foolish," said the King. "I am sensible that my kingdom is but
+a small place, but when a person is comfortably settled in any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> part he
+should abide there. I have not the right to detain strangers. It is a
+tyranny which neither our manners nor our laws permit. All men are free.
+Go when you wish, but the going will be very difficult. It is impossible
+to ascend that rapid river on which you came as by a miracle, and which
+runs under vaulted rocks. The mountains which surround my kingdom are
+ten thousand feet high, and as steep as walls; they are each over ten
+leagues in breadth, and there is no other way to descend them than by
+precipices. However, since you absolutely wish to depart, I shall give
+orders to my engineers to construct a machine that will convey you very
+safely. When we have conducted you over the mountains no one can
+accompany you further, for my subjects have made a vow never to quit the
+kingdom, and they are too wise to break it. Ask me besides anything that
+you please."</p>
+
+<p>"We desire nothing of your Majesty," says Candide, "but a few sheep
+laden with provisions, pebbles, and the earth of this country."</p>
+
+<p>The King laughed.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot conceive," said he, "what pleasure you Europeans find in our
+yellow clay, but take as much as you like, and great good may it do
+you."</p>
+
+<p>At once he gave directions that his engineers should construct a machine
+to hoist up these two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> extraordinary men out of the kingdom. Three
+thousand good mathematicians went to work; it was ready in fifteen days,
+and did not cost more than twenty million sterling in the specie of that
+country. They placed Candide and Cacambo on the machine. There were two
+great red sheep saddled and bridled to ride upon as soon as they were
+beyond the mountains, twenty pack-sheep laden with provisions, thirty
+with presents of the curiosities of the country, and fifty with gold,
+diamonds, and precious stones. The King embraced the two wanderers very
+tenderly.</p>
+
+<p>Their departure, with the ingenious manner in which they and their sheep
+were hoisted over the mountains, was a splendid spectacle. The
+mathematicians took their leave after conveying them to a place of
+safety, and Candide had no other desire, no other aim, than to present
+his sheep to Miss Cunegonde.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said he, "we are able to pay the Governor of Buenos Ayres if Miss
+Cunegonde can be ransomed. Let us journey towards Cayenne. Let us
+embark, and we will afterwards see what kingdom we shall be able to
+purchase."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XIX</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM AT SURINAM AND HOW CANDIDE GOT ACQUAINTED WITH
+MARTIN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Our travellers spent the first day very agreeably. They were delighted
+with possessing more treasure than all Asia, Europe, and Africa could
+scrape together. Candide, in his raptures, cut Cunegonde's name on the
+trees. The second day two of their sheep plunged into a morass, where
+they and their burdens were lost; two more died of fatigue a few days
+after; seven or eight perished with hunger in a desert; and others
+subsequently fell down precipices. At length, after travelling a hundred
+days, only two sheep remained. Said Candide to Cacambo:</p>
+
+<p>"My friend, you see how perishable are the riches of this world; there
+is nothing solid but virtue, and the happiness of seeing Cunegonde once
+more."</p>
+
+<p>"I grant all you say," said Cacambo, "but we have still two sheep
+remaining, with more treasure than the King of Spain will ever have; and
+I see a town which I take to be Surinam, belonging<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> to the Dutch. We are
+at the end of all our troubles, and at the beginning of happiness."</p>
+
+<p>As they drew near the town, they saw a negro stretched upon the ground,
+with only one moiety of his clothes, that is, of his blue linen drawers;
+the poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Good God!" said Candide in Dutch, "what art thou doing there, friend,
+in that shocking condition?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am waiting for my master, Mynheer Vanderdendur, the famous merchant,"
+answered the negro.</p>
+
+<p>"Was it Mynheer Vanderdendur," said Candide, "that treated thee thus?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," said the negro, "it is the custom. They give us a pair of
+linen drawers for our whole garment twice a year. When we work at the
+sugar-canes, and the mill snatches hold of a finger, they cut off the
+hand; and when we attempt to run away, they cut off the leg; both cases
+have happened to me. This is the price at which you eat sugar in Europe.
+Yet when my mother sold me for ten patagons<a name="FNanchor_20_20" id="FNanchor_20_20"></a><a href="#Footnote_20_20" class="fnanchor">[20]</a> on the coast of Guinea,
+she said to me: 'My dear child, bless our fetiches, adore them for ever;
+they will make thee live happily; thou hast the honour of being<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> the
+slave of our lords, the whites, which is making the fortune of thy
+father and mother.' Alas! I know not whether I have made their fortunes;
+this I know, that they have not made mine. Dogs, monkeys, and parrots
+are a thousand times less wretched than I. The Dutch fetiches, who have
+converted me, declare every Sunday that we are all of us children of
+Adam&mdash;blacks as well as whites. I am not a genealogist, but if these
+preachers tell truth, we are all second cousins. Now, you must agree,
+that it is impossible to treat one's relations in a more barbarous
+manner."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Pangloss!" cried Candide, "thou hadst not guessed at this
+abomination; it is the end. I must at last renounce thy optimism."</p>
+
+<p>"What is this optimism?" said Cacambo.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said Candide, "it is the madness of maintaining that everything
+is right when it is wrong."</p>
+
+<p>Looking at the negro, he shed tears, and weeping, he entered Surinam.</p>
+
+<p>The first thing they inquired after was whether there was a vessel in
+the harbour which could be sent to Buenos Ayres. The person to whom they
+applied was a Spanish sea-captain, who offered to agree with them upon
+reasonable terms. He appointed to meet them at a public-house, whither
+Candide and the faithful Cacambo<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> went with their two sheep, and awaited
+his coming.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, who had his heart upon his lips, told the Spaniard all his
+adventures, and avowed that he intended to elope with Miss Cunegonde.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I will take good care not to carry you to Buenos Ayres," said the
+seaman. "I should be hanged, and so would you. The fair Cunegonde is my
+lord's favourite mistress."</p>
+
+<p>This was a thunderclap for Candide: he wept for a long while. At last he
+drew Cacambo aside.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, my dear friend," said he to him, "this thou must do. We have,
+each of us in his pocket, five or six millions in diamonds; you are more
+clever than I; you must go and bring Miss Cunegonde from Buenos Ayres.
+If the Governor makes any difficulty, give him a million; if he will not
+relinquish her, give him two; as you have not killed an Inquisitor, they
+will have no suspicion of you; I'll get another ship, and go and wait
+for you at Venice; that's a free country, where there is no danger
+either from Bulgarians, Abares, Jews, or Inquisitors."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo applauded this wise resolution. He despaired at parting from so
+good a master, who had become his intimate friend; but the pleasure of
+serving him prevailed over the pain of leaving him. They embraced with
+tears;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> Candide charged him not to forget the good old woman. Cacambo
+set out that very same day. This Cacambo was a very honest fellow.</p>
+
+<p>Candide stayed some time longer in Surinam, waiting for another captain
+to carry him and the two remaining sheep to Italy. After he had hired
+domestics, and purchased everything necessary for a long voyage, Mynheer
+Vanderdendur, captain of a large vessel, came and offered his services.</p>
+
+<p>"How much will you charge," said he to this man, "to carry me straight
+to Venice&mdash;me, my servants, my baggage, and these two sheep?"</p>
+
+<p>The skipper asked ten thousand piastres. Candide did not hesitate.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh!" said the prudent Vanderdendur to himself, "this stranger gives
+ten thousand piastres unhesitatingly! He must be very rich."</p>
+
+<p>Returning a little while after, he let him know that upon second
+consideration, he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty
+thousand piastres.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you shall have them," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Ay!" said the skipper to himself, "this man agrees to pay twenty
+thousand piastres with as much ease as ten."</p>
+
+<p>He went back to him again, and declared that he could not carry him to
+Venice for less than thirty thousand piastres.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Then you shall have thirty thousand," replied Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh!" said the Dutch skipper once more to himself, "thirty thousand
+piastres are a trifle to this man; surely these sheep must be laden with
+an immense treasure; let us say no more about it. First of all, let him
+pay down the thirty thousand piastres; then we shall see."</p>
+
+<p>Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth more than
+what the skipper asked for his freight. He paid him in advance. The two
+sheep were put on board. Candide followed in a little boat to join the
+vessel in the roads. The skipper seized his opportunity, set sail, and
+put out to sea, the wind favouring him. Candide, dismayed and stupefied,
+soon lost sight of the vessel.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said he, "this is a trick worthy of the old world!"</p>
+
+<p>He put back, overwhelmed with sorrow, for indeed he had lost sufficient
+to make the fortune of twenty monarchs. He waited upon the Dutch
+magistrate, and in his distress he knocked over loudly at the door. He
+entered and told his adventure, raising his voice with unnecessary
+vehemence. The magistrate began by fining him ten thousand piastres for
+making a noise; then he listened patiently, promised to examine into his
+affair at the skipper's return, and ordered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> him to pay ten thousand
+piastres for the expense of the hearing.</p>
+
+<p>This drove Candide to despair; he had, indeed, endured misfortunes a
+thousand times worse; the coolness of the magistrate and of the skipper
+who had robbed him, roused his choler and flung him into a deep
+melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented itself before his
+imagination in all its deformity, and his mind was filled with gloomy
+ideas. At length hearing that a French vessel was ready to set sail for
+Bordeaux, as he had no sheep laden with diamonds to take along with him
+he hired a cabin at the usual price. He made it known in the town that
+he would pay the passage and board and give two thousand piastres to any
+honest man who would make the voyage with him, upon condition that this
+man was the most dissatisfied with his state, and the most unfortunate
+in the whole province.</p>
+
+<p>Such a crowd of candidates presented themselves that a fleet of ships
+could hardly have held them. Candide being desirous of selecting from
+among the best, marked out about one-twentieth of them who seemed to be
+sociable men, and who all pretended to merit his preference. He
+assembled them at his inn, and gave them a supper on condition that each
+took an oath to relate his history faithfully, promising to choose him
+who appeared to be most justly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> discontented with his state, and to
+bestow some presents upon the rest.</p>
+
+<p>They sat until four o'clock in the morning. Candide, in listening to all
+their adventures, was reminded of what the old woman had said to him in
+their voyage to Buenos Ayres, and of her wager that there was not a
+person on board the ship but had met with very great misfortunes. He
+dreamed of Pangloss at every adventure told to him.</p>
+
+<p>"This Pangloss," said he, "would be puzzled to demonstrate his system. I
+wish that he were here. Certainly, if all things are good, it is in El
+Dorado and not in the rest of the world."</p>
+
+<p>At length he made choice of a poor man of letters, who had worked ten
+years for the booksellers of Amsterdam. He judged that there was not in
+the whole world a trade which could disgust one more.</p>
+
+<p>This philosopher was an honest man; but he had been robbed by his wife,
+beaten by his son, and abandoned by his daughter who got a Portuguese to
+run away with her. He had just been deprived of a small employment, on
+which he subsisted; and he was persecuted by the preachers of Surinam,
+who took him for a Socinian. We must allow that the others were at least
+as wretched as he; but Candide hoped that the philosopher would
+entertain him during<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> the voyage. All the other candidates complained
+that Candide had done them great injustice; but he appeased them by
+giving one hundred piastres to each.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XX</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT HAPPENED AT SEA TO CANDIDE AND MARTIN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>The old philosopher, whose name was Martin, embarked then with Candide
+for Bordeaux. They had both seen and suffered a great deal; and if the
+vessel had sailed from Surinam to Japan, by the Cape of Good Hope, the
+subject of moral and natural evil would have enabled them to entertain
+one another during the whole voyage.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, however, had one great advantage over Martin, in that he always
+hoped to see Miss Cunegonde; whereas Martin had nothing at all to hope.
+Besides, Candide was possessed of money and jewels, and though he had
+lost one hundred large red sheep, laden with the greatest treasure upon
+earth; though the knavery of the Dutch skipper still sat heavy upon his
+mind; yet when he reflected upon what he had still left, and when he
+mentioned the name of Cunegonde, especially towards the latter end of a
+repast, he inclined to Pangloss's doctrine.</p>
+
+<p>"But you, Mr. Martin," said he to the philosopher,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> "what do you think
+of all this? what are your ideas on moral and natural evil?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," answered Martin, "our priests accused me of being a Socinian, but
+the real fact is I am a Manichean."<a name="FNanchor_21_21" id="FNanchor_21_21"></a><a href="#Footnote_21_21" class="fnanchor">[21]</a></p>
+
+<p>"You jest," said Candide; "there are no longer Manicheans in the world."</p>
+
+<p>"I am one," said Martin. "I cannot help it; I know not how to think
+otherwise."</p>
+
+<p>"Surely you must be possessed by the devil," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"He is so deeply concerned in the affairs of this world," answered
+Martin, "that he may very well be in me, as well as in everybody else;
+but I own to you that when I cast an eye on this globe, or rather on
+this little ball, I cannot help thinking that God has abandoned it to
+some malignant being. I except, always, El Dorado. I scarcely ever knew
+a city that did not desire the destruction of a neighbouring city, nor a
+family that did not wish to exterminate some other family. Everywhere
+the weak execrate the powerful, before whom they cringe; and the
+powerful beat them like sheep whose wool and flesh they sell. A million
+regimented assassins, from one extremity of Europe to the other, get
+their bread by disciplined depredation and murder, for want of more
+honest employment. Even in those cities which seem to enjoy peace, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+where the arts flourish, the inhabitants are devoured by more envy,
+care, and uneasiness than are experienced by a besieged town. Secret
+griefs are more cruel than public calamities. In a word I have seen so
+much, and experienced so much that I am a Manichean."</p>
+
+<p>"There are, however, some things good," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"That may be," said Martin; "but I know them not."</p>
+
+<p>In the middle of this dispute they heard the report of cannon; it
+redoubled every instant. Each took out his glass. They saw two ships in
+close fight about three miles off. The wind brought both so near to the
+French vessel that our travellers had the pleasure of seeing the fight
+at their ease. At length one let off a broadside, so low and so truly
+aimed, that the other sank to the bottom. Candide and Martin could
+plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of the sinking vessel; they
+raised their hands to heaven and uttered terrible outcries, and the next
+moment were swallowed up by the sea.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Martin, "this is how men treat one another."</p>
+
+<p>"It is true," said Candide; "there is something diabolical in this
+affair."</p>
+
+<p>While speaking, he saw he knew not what, of a shining red, swimming
+close to the vessel.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> They put out the long-boat to see what it could
+be: it was one of his sheep! Candide was more rejoiced at the recovery
+of this one sheep than he had been grieved at the loss of the hundred
+laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado.</p>
+
+<p>The French captain soon saw that the captain of the victorious vessel
+was a Spaniard, and that the other was a Dutch pirate, and the very same
+one who had robbed Candide. The immense plunder which this villain had
+amassed, was buried with him in the sea, and out of the whole only one
+sheep was saved.</p>
+
+<p>"You see," said Candide to Martin, "that crime is sometimes punished.
+This rogue of a Dutch skipper has met with the fate he deserved."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Martin; "but why should the passengers be doomed also to
+destruction? God has punished the knave, and the devil has drowned the
+rest."</p>
+
+<p>The French and Spanish ships continued their course, and Candide
+continued his conversation with Martin. They disputed fifteen successive
+days, and on the last of those fifteen days, they were as far advanced
+as on the first. But, however, they chatted, they communicated ideas,
+they consoled each other. Candide caressed his sheep.</p>
+
+<p>"Since I have found thee again," said he, "I may likewise chance to find
+my Cunegonde."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXI</h2>
+
+<h3>CANDIDE AND MARTIN, REASONING, DRAW NEAR THE COAST OF FRANCE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>At length they descried the coast of France.</p>
+
+<p>"Were you ever in France, Mr. Martin?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Martin, "I have been in several provinces. In some one-half
+of the people are fools, in others they are too cunning; in some they
+are weak and simple, in others they affect to be witty; in all, the
+principal occupation is love, the next is slander, and the third is
+talking nonsense."</p>
+
+<p>"But, Mr. Martin, have you seen Paris?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I have. All these kinds are found there. It is a chaos&mdash;a confused
+multitude, where everybody seeks pleasure and scarcely any one finds it,
+at least as it appeared to me. I made a short stay there. On my arrival
+I was robbed of all I had by pickpockets at the fair of St. Germain. I
+myself was taken for a robber and was imprisoned for eight days, after
+which I served as corrector of the press to gain the money necessary for
+my return to Holland on foot. I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> knew the whole scribbling rabble, the
+party rabble, the fanatic rabble. It is said that there are very polite
+people in that city, and I wish to believe it."</p>
+
+<p>"For my part, I have no curiosity to see France," said Candide. "You may
+easily imagine that after spending a month at El Dorado I can desire to
+behold nothing upon earth but Miss Cunegonde. I go to await her at
+Venice. We shall pass through France on our way to Italy. Will you bear
+me company?"</p>
+
+<p>"With all my heart," said Martin. "It is said that Venice is fit only
+for its own nobility, but that strangers meet with a very good reception
+if they have a good deal of money. I have none of it; you have,
+therefore I will follow you all over the world."</p>
+
+<p>"But do you believe," said Candide, "that the earth was originally a
+sea, as we find it asserted in that large book belonging to the
+captain?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do not believe a word of it," said Martin, "any more than I do of the
+many ravings which have been published lately."</p>
+
+<p>"But for what end, then, has this world been formed?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"To plague us to death," answered Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you not greatly surprised," continued Candide, "at the love which
+these two girls of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> the Oreillons had for those monkeys, of which I have
+already told you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said Martin. "I do not see that that passion was strange.
+I have seen so many extraordinary things that I have ceased to be
+surprised."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you believe," said Candide, "that men have always massacred each
+other as they do to-day, that they have always been liars, cheats,
+traitors, ingrates, brigands, idiots, thieves, scoundrels, gluttons,
+drunkards, misers, envious, ambitious, bloody-minded, calumniators,
+debauchees, fanatics, hypocrites, and fools?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do you believe," said Martin, "that hawks have always eaten pigeons
+when they have found them?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, without doubt," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then," said Martin, "if hawks have always had the same character
+why should you imagine that men may have changed theirs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" said Candide, "there is a vast deal of difference, for free
+will&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>And reasoning thus they arrived at Bordeaux.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXII</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT HAPPENED IN FRANCE TO CANDIDE AND MARTIN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide stayed in Bordeaux no longer than was necessary for the selling
+of a few of the pebbles of El Dorado, and for hiring a good chaise to
+hold two passengers; for he could not travel without his Philosopher
+Martin. He was only vexed at parting with his sheep, which he left to
+the Bordeaux Academy of Sciences, who set as a subject for that year's
+prize, "to find why this sheep's wool was red;" and the prize was
+awarded to a learned man of the North, who demonstrated by A plus B
+minus C divided by Z, that the sheep must be red, and die of the rot.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, all the travellers whom Candide met in the inns along his
+route, said to him, "We go to Paris." This general eagerness at length
+gave him, too, a desire to see this capital; and it was not so very
+great a <i>d&eacute;tour</i> from the road to Venice.</p>
+
+<p>He entered Paris by the suburb of St. Marceau,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> and fancied that he was
+in the dirtiest village of Westphalia.</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely was Candide arrived at his inn, than he found himself attacked
+by a slight illness, caused by fatigue. As he had a very large diamond
+on his finger, and the people of the inn had taken notice of a
+prodigiously heavy box among his baggage, there were two physicians to
+attend him, though he had never sent for them, and two devotees who
+warmed his broths.</p>
+
+<p>"I remember," Martin said, "also to have been sick at Paris in my first
+voyage; I was very poor, thus I had neither friends, devotees, nor
+doctors, and I recovered."</p>
+
+<p>However, what with physic and bleeding, Candide's illness became
+serious. A parson of the neighborhood came with great meekness to ask
+for a bill for the other world payable to the bearer. Candide would do
+nothing for him; but the devotees assured him it was the new fashion. He
+answered that he was not a man of fashion. Martin wished to throw the
+priest out of the window. The priest swore that they would not bury
+Candide. Martin swore that he would bury the priest if he continued to
+be troublesome. The quarrel grew heated. Martin took him by the
+shoulders and roughly turned him out of doors; which occasioned great
+scandal and a law-suit.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Candide got well again, and during his convalescence he had very good
+company to sup with him. They played high. Candide wondered why it was
+that the ace never came to him; but Martin was not at all astonished.</p>
+
+<p>Among those who did him the honours of the town was a little Abb&eacute; of
+Perigord, one of those busybodies who are ever alert, officious,
+forward, fawning, and complaisant; who watch for strangers in their
+passage through the capital, tell them the scandalous history of the
+town, and offer them pleasure at all prices. He first took Candide and
+Martin to La Com&eacute;die, where they played a new tragedy. Candide happened
+to be seated near some of the fashionable wits. This did not prevent his
+shedding tears at the well-acted scenes. One of these critics at his
+side said to him between the acts:</p>
+
+<p>"Your tears are misplaced; that is a shocking actress; the actor who
+plays with her is yet worse; and the play is still worse than the
+actors. The author does not know a word of Arabic, yet the scene is in
+Arabia; moreover he is a man that does not believe in innate ideas; and
+I will bring you, to-morrow, twenty pamphlets written against him."<a name="FNanchor_22_22" id="FNanchor_22_22"></a><a href="#Footnote_22_22" class="fnanchor">[22]</a></p>
+
+<p>"How many dramas have you in France, sir?" said Candide to the Abb&eacute;.</p>
+
+<p>"Five or six thousand."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"What a number!" said Candide. "How many good?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fifteen or sixteen," replied the other.</p>
+
+<p>"What a number!" said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>Candide was very pleased with an actress who played Queen Elizabeth in a
+somewhat insipid tragedy<a name="FNanchor_23_23" id="FNanchor_23_23"></a><a href="#Footnote_23_23" class="fnanchor">[23]</a> sometimes acted.</p>
+
+<p>"That actress," said he to Martin, "pleases me much; she has a likeness
+to Miss Cunegonde; I should be very glad to wait upon her."</p>
+
+<p>The Perigordian Abb&eacute; offered to introduce him. Candide, brought up in
+Germany, asked what was the etiquette, and how they treated queens of
+England in France.</p>
+
+<p>"It is necessary to make distinctions," said the Abb&eacute;. "In the provinces
+one takes them to the inn; in Paris, one respects them when they are
+beautiful, and throws them on the highway when they are dead."<a name="FNanchor_24_24" id="FNanchor_24_24"></a><a href="#Footnote_24_24" class="fnanchor">[24]</a></p>
+
+<p>"Queens on the highway!" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, truly," said Martin, "the Abb&eacute; is right. I was in Paris when Miss
+Monime passed, as the saying is, from this life to the other. She was
+refused what people call the <i>honours of sepulture</i>&mdash;that is to say, of
+rotting with all the beggars of the neighbourhood in an ugly cemetery;
+she was interred all alone by her company at the corner of the Rue de
+Bourgogne, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> ought to trouble her much, for she thought nobly."</p>
+
+<p>"That was very uncivil," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"What would you have?" said Martin; "these people are made thus. Imagine
+all contradictions, all possible incompatibilities&mdash;you will find them
+in the government, in the law-courts, in the churches, in the public
+shows of this droll nation."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it true that they always laugh in Paris?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the Abb&eacute;, "but it means nothing, for they complain of
+everything with great fits of laughter; they even do the most detestable
+things while laughing."</p>
+
+<p>"Who," said Candide, "is that great pig who spoke so ill of the piece at
+which I wept, and of the actors who gave me so much pleasure?"</p>
+
+<p>"He is a bad character," answered the Abb&eacute;, "who gains his livelihood by
+saying evil of all plays and of all books. He hates whatever succeeds,
+as the eunuchs hate those who enjoy; he is one of the serpents of
+literature who nourish themselves on dirt and spite; he is a
+<i>folliculaire</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"What is a <i>folliculaire</i>?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"It is," said the Abb&eacute;, "a pamphleteer&mdash;a Fr&eacute;ron."<a name="FNanchor_25_25" id="FNanchor_25_25"></a><a href="#Footnote_25_25" class="fnanchor">[25]</a></p>
+
+<p>Thus Candide, Martin, and the Perigordian<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> conversed on the staircase,
+while watching every one go out after the performance.</p>
+
+<p>"Although I am eager to see Cunegonde again," said Candide, "I should
+like to sup with Miss Clairon, for she appears to me admirable."</p>
+
+<p>The Abb&eacute; was not the man to approach Miss Clairon, who saw only good
+company.</p>
+
+<p>"She is engaged for this evening," he said, "but I shall have the honour
+to take you to the house of a lady of quality, and there you will know
+Paris as if you had lived in it for years."</p>
+
+<p>Candide, who was naturally curious, let himself be taken to this lady's
+house, at the end of the Faubourg St. Honor&eacute;. The company was occupied
+in playing faro; a dozen melancholy punters held each in his hand a
+little pack of cards; a bad record of his misfortunes. Profound silence
+reigned; pallor was on the faces of the punters, anxiety on that of the
+banker, and the hostess, sitting near the unpitying banker, noticed with
+lynx-eyes all the doubled and other increased stakes, as each player
+dog's-eared his cards; she made them turn down the edges again with
+severe, but polite attention; she showed no vexation for fear of losing
+her customers. The lady insisted upon being called the Marchioness of
+Parolignac. Her daughter, aged fifteen, was among the punters, and
+notified with a covert glance the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> cheatings of the poor people who
+tried to repair the cruelties of fate. The Perigordian Abb&eacute;, Candide and
+Martin entered; no one rose, no one saluted them, no one looked at them;
+all were profoundly occupied with their cards.</p>
+
+<p>"The Baroness of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was more polite," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>However, the Abb&eacute; whispered to the Marchioness, who half rose, honoured
+Candide with a gracious smile, and Martin with a condescending nod; she
+gave a seat and a pack of cards to Candide, who lost fifty thousand
+francs in two deals, after which they supped very gaily, and every one
+was astonished that Candide was not moved by his loss; the servants said
+among themselves, in the language of servants:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Some English lord is here this evening."</p>
+
+<p>The supper passed at first like most Parisian suppers, in silence,
+followed by a noise of words which could not be distinguished, then with
+pleasantries of which most were insipid, with false news, with bad
+reasoning, a little politics, and much evil speaking; they also
+discussed new books.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you seen," said the Perigordian Abb&eacute;, "the romance of Sieur
+Gauchat, doctor of divinity?"<a name="FNanchor_26_26" id="FNanchor_26_26"></a><a href="#Footnote_26_26" class="fnanchor">[26]</a></p>
+
+<p>"Yes," answered one of the guests, "but I have not been able to finish
+it. We have a crowd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> of silly writings, but all together do not approach
+the impertinence of 'Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity.' I am so satiated with
+the great number of detestable books with which we are inundated that I
+am reduced to punting at faro."</p>
+
+<p>"And the <i>M&eacute;langes</i> of Archdeacon Trublet,<a name="FNanchor_27_27" id="FNanchor_27_27"></a><a href="#Footnote_27_27" class="fnanchor">[27]</a> what do you say of that?"
+said the Abb&eacute;.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said the Marchioness of Parolignac, "the wearisome mortal! How
+curiously he repeats to you all that the world knows! How heavily he
+discusses that which is not worth the trouble of lightly remarking upon!
+How, without wit, he appropriates the wit of others! How he spoils what
+he steals! How he disgusts me! But he will disgust me no longer&mdash;it is
+enough to have read a few of the Archdeacon's pages."</p>
+
+<p>There was at table a wise man of taste, who supported the Marchioness.
+They spoke afterwards of tragedies; the lady asked why there were
+tragedies which were sometimes played and which could not be read. The
+man of taste explained very well how a piece could have some interest,
+and have almost no merit; he proved in few words that it was not enough
+to introduce one or two of those situations which one finds in all
+romances, and which always seduce the spectator, but that it was
+necessary to be new without being odd, often sublime and always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+natural, to know the human heart and to make it speak; to be a great
+poet without allowing any person in the piece to appear to be a poet; to
+know language perfectly&mdash;to speak it with purity, with continuous
+harmony and without rhythm ever taking anything from sense.</p>
+
+<p>"Whoever," added he, "does not observe all these rules can produce one
+or two tragedies, applauded at a theatre, but he will never be counted
+in the ranks of good writers. There are very few good tragedies; some
+are idylls in dialogue, well written and well rhymed, others political
+reasonings which lull to sleep, or amplifications which repel; others
+demoniac dreams in barbarous style, interrupted in sequence, with long
+apostrophes to the gods, because they do not know how to speak to men,
+with false maxims, with bombastic commonplaces!"</p>
+
+<p>Candide listened with attention to this discourse, and conceived a great
+idea of the speaker, and as the Marchioness had taken care to place him
+beside her, he leaned towards her and took the liberty of asking who was
+the man who had spoken so well.</p>
+
+<p>"He is a scholar," said the lady, "who does not play, whom the Abb&eacute;
+sometimes brings to supper; he is perfectly at home among tragedies and
+books, and he has written a tragedy which was hissed, and a book of
+which nothing has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> ever been seen outside his bookseller's shop
+excepting the copy which he dedicated to me."</p>
+
+<p>"The great man!" said Candide. "He is another Pangloss!"</p>
+
+<p>Then, turning towards him, he said:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir, you think doubtless that all is for the best in the moral and
+physical world, and that nothing could be otherwise than it is?"</p>
+
+<p>"I, sir!" answered the scholar, "I know nothing of all that; I find that
+all goes awry with me; that no one knows either what is his rank, nor
+what is his condition, what he does nor what he ought to do; and that
+except supper, which is always gay, and where there appears to be enough
+concord, all the rest of the time is passed in impertinent quarrels;
+Jansenist against Molinist, Parliament against the Church, men of
+letters against men of letters, courtesans against courtesans,
+financiers against the people, wives against husbands, relatives against
+relatives&mdash;it is eternal war."</p>
+
+<p>"I have seen the worst," Candide replied. "But a wise man, who since has
+had the misfortune to be hanged, taught me that all is marvellously
+well; these are but the shadows on a beautiful picture."</p>
+
+<p>"Your hanged man mocked the world," said Martin. "The shadows are
+horrible blots."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"They are men who make the blots," said Candide, "and they cannot be
+dispensed with."</p>
+
+<p>"It is not their fault then," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>Most of the punters, who understood nothing of this language, drank, and
+Martin reasoned with the scholar, and Candide related some of his
+adventures to his hostess.</p>
+
+<p>After supper the Marchioness took Candide into her boudoir, and made him
+sit upon a sofa.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well!" said she to him, "you love desperately Miss Cunegonde of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, madame," answered Candide.</p>
+
+<p>The Marchioness replied to him with a tender smile:</p>
+
+<p>"You answer me like a young man from Westphalia. A Frenchman would have
+said, 'It is true that I have loved Miss Cunegonde, but seeing you,
+madame, I think I no longer love her.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Alas! madame," said Candide, "I will answer you as you wish."</p>
+
+<p>"Your passion for her," said the Marchioness, "commenced by picking up
+her handkerchief. I wish that you would pick up my garter."</p>
+
+<p>"With all my heart," said Candide. And he picked it up.</p>
+
+<p>"But I wish that you would put it on," said the lady.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And Candide put it on.</p>
+
+<p>"You see," said she, "you are a foreigner. I sometimes make my Parisian
+lovers languish for fifteen days, but I give myself to you the first
+night because one must do the honours of one's country to a young man
+from Westphalia."</p>
+
+<p>The lady having perceived two enormous diamonds upon the hands of the
+young foreigner praised them with such good faith that from Candide's
+fingers they passed to her own.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, returning with the Perigordian Abb&eacute;, felt some remorse in
+having been unfaithful to Miss Cunegonde. The Abb&eacute; sympathised in his
+trouble; he had had but a light part of the fifty thousand francs lost
+at play and of the value of the two brilliants, half given, half
+extorted. His design was to profit as much as he could by the advantages
+which the acquaintance of Candide could procure for him. He spoke much
+of Cunegonde, and Candide told him that he should ask forgiveness of
+that beautiful one for his infidelity when he should see her in Venice.</p>
+
+<p>The Abb&eacute; redoubled his politeness and attentions, and took a tender
+interest in all that Candide said, in all that he did, in all that he
+wished to do.</p>
+
+<p>"And so, sir, you have a rendezvous at Venice?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, monsieur Abb&eacute;," answered Candide.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> "It is absolutely necessary
+that I go to meet Miss Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>And then the pleasure of talking of that which he loved induced him to
+relate, according to his custom, part of his adventures with the fair
+Westphalian.</p>
+
+<p>"I believe," said the Abb&eacute;, "that Miss Cunegonde has a great deal of
+wit, and that she writes charming letters?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have never received any from her," said Candide, "for being expelled
+from the castle on her account I had not an opportunity for writing to
+her. Soon after that I heard she was dead; then I found her alive; then
+I lost her again; and last of all, I sent an express to her two thousand
+five hundred leagues from here, and I wait for an answer."</p>
+
+<p>The Abb&eacute; listened attentively, and seemed to be in a brown study. He
+soon took his leave of the two foreigners after a most tender embrace.
+The following day Candide received, on awaking, a letter couched in
+these terms:</p>
+
+<p>"My very dear love, for eight days I have been ill in this town. I learn
+that you are here. I would fly to your arms if I could but move. I was
+informed of your passage at Bordeaux, where I left faithful Cacambo and
+the old woman, who are to follow me very soon. The Governor of Buenos
+Ayres has taken all, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> there remains to me your heart. Come! your
+presence will either give me life or kill me with pleasure."</p>
+
+<p>This charming, this unhoped-for letter transported Candide with an
+inexpressible joy, and the illness of his dear Cunegonde overwhelmed him
+with grief. Divided between those two passions, he took his gold and his
+diamonds and hurried away, with Martin, to the hotel where Miss
+Cunegonde was lodged. He entered her room trembling, his heart
+palpitating, his voice sobbing; he wished to open the curtains of the
+bed, and asked for a light.</p>
+
+<p>"Take care what you do," said the servant-maid; "the light hurts her,"
+and immediately she drew the curtain again.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear Cunegonde," said Candide, weeping, "how are you? If you cannot
+see me, at least speak to me."</p>
+
+<p>"She cannot speak," said the maid.</p>
+
+<p>The lady then put a plump hand out from the bed, and Candide bathed it
+with his tears and afterwards filled it with diamonds, leaving a bag of
+gold upon the easy chair.</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of these transports in came an officer, followed by the
+Abb&eacute; and a file of soldiers.</p>
+
+<p>"There," said he, "are the two suspected<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> foreigners," and at the same
+time he ordered them to be seized and carried to prison.</p>
+
+<p>"Travellers are not treated thus in El Dorado," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"I am more a Manichean now than ever," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"But pray, sir, where are you going to carry us?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"To a dungeon," answered the officer.</p>
+
+<p>Martin, having recovered himself a little, judged that the lady who
+acted the part of Cunegonde was a cheat, that the Perigordian Abb&eacute; was a
+knave who had imposed upon the honest simplicity of Candide, and that
+the officer was another knave whom they might easily silence.</p>
+
+<p>Candide, advised by Martin and impatient to see the real Cunegonde,
+rather than expose himself before a court of justice, proposed to the
+officer to give him three small diamonds, each worth about three
+thousand pistoles.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, sir," said the man with the ivory baton, "had you committed all the
+imaginable crimes you would be to me the most honest man in the world.
+Three diamonds! Each worth three thousand pistoles! Sir, instead of
+carrying you to jail I would lose my life to serve you. There are orders
+for arresting all foreigners, but leave it to me. I have a brother at
+Dieppe in Normandy! I'll conduct you thither, and if you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> have a diamond
+to give him he'll take as much care of you as I would."</p>
+
+<p>"And why," said Candide, "should all foreigners be arrested?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is," the Perigordian Abb&eacute; then made answer, "because a poor beggar
+of the country of Atr&eacute;batie<a name="FNanchor_28_28" id="FNanchor_28_28"></a><a href="#Footnote_28_28" class="fnanchor">[28]</a> heard some foolish things said. This
+induced him to commit a parricide, not such as that of 1610 in the month
+of May,<a name="FNanchor_29_29" id="FNanchor_29_29"></a><a href="#Footnote_29_29" class="fnanchor">[29]</a> but such as that of 1594 in the month of December,<a name="FNanchor_30_30" id="FNanchor_30_30"></a><a href="#Footnote_30_30" class="fnanchor">[30]</a> and
+such as others which have been committed in other years and other months
+by other poor devils who had heard nonsense spoken."</p>
+
+<p>The officer then explained what the Abb&eacute; meant.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, the monsters!" cried Candide. "What horrors among a people who
+dance and sing! Is there no way of getting quickly out of this country
+where monkeys provoke tigers? I have seen no bears in my country, but
+<i>men</i> I have beheld nowhere except in El Dorado. In the name of God,
+sir, conduct me to Venice, where I am to await Miss Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>"I can conduct you no further than lower Normandy," said the officer.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately he ordered his irons to be struck off, acknowledged himself
+mistaken, sent away his men, set out with Candide and Martin for Dieppe,
+and left them in the care of his brother.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There was then a small Dutch ship in the harbour. The Norman, who by the
+virtue of three more diamonds had become the most subservient of men,
+put Candide and his attendants on board a vessel that was just ready to
+set sail for Portsmouth in England.</p>
+
+<p>This was not the way to Venice, but Candide thought he had made his way
+out of hell, and reckoned that he would soon have an opportunity for
+resuming his journey.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXIII</h2>
+
+<h3>CANDIDE AND MARTIN TOUCHED UPON THE COAST OF ENGLAND, AND WHAT THEY SAW
+THERE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Ah, Pangloss! Pangloss! Ah, Martin! Martin! Ah, my dear Cunegonde, what
+sort of a world is this?" said Candide on board the Dutch ship.</p>
+
+<p>"Something very foolish and abominable," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"You know England? Are they as foolish there as in France?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is another kind of folly," said Martin. "You know that these two
+nations are at war for a few acres of snow in Canada,<a name="FNanchor_31_31" id="FNanchor_31_31"></a><a href="#Footnote_31_31" class="fnanchor">[31]</a> and that they
+spend over this beautiful war much more than Canada is worth. To tell
+you exactly, whether there are more people fit to send to a madhouse in
+one country than the other, is what my imperfect intelligence will not
+permit. I only know in general that the people we are going to see are
+very atrabilious."</p>
+
+<p>Talking thus they arrived at Portsmouth. The coast was lined with crowds
+of people, whose eyes were fixed on a fine man kneeling, with his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> eyes
+bandaged, on board one of the men of war in the harbour. Four soldiers
+stood opposite to this man; each of them fired three balls at his head,
+with all the calmness in the world; and the whole assembly went away
+very well satisfied.</p>
+
+<p>"What is all this?" said Candide; "and what demon is it that exercises
+his empire in this country?"</p>
+
+<p>He then asked who was that fine man who had been killed with so much
+ceremony. They answered, he was an Admiral.<a name="FNanchor_32_32" id="FNanchor_32_32"></a><a href="#Footnote_32_32" class="fnanchor">[32]</a></p>
+
+<p>"And why kill this Admiral?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is because he did not kill a sufficient number of men himself. He
+gave battle to a French Admiral; and it has been proved that he was not
+near enough to him."</p>
+
+<p>"But," replied Candide, "the French Admiral was as far from the English
+Admiral."</p>
+
+<p>"There is no doubt of it; but in this country it is found good, from
+time to time, to kill one Admiral to encourage the others."</p>
+
+<p>Candide was so shocked and bewildered by what he saw and heard, that he
+would not set foot on shore, and he made a bargain with the Dutch
+skipper (were he even to rob him like the Surinam captain) to conduct
+him without delay to Venice.</p>
+
+<p>The skipper was ready in two days. They<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> coasted France; they passed in
+sight of Lisbon, and Candide trembled. They passed through the Straits,
+and entered the Mediterranean. At last they landed at Venice.</p>
+
+<p>"God be praised!" said Candide, embracing Martin. "It is here that I
+shall see again my beautiful Cunegonde. I trust Cacambo as myself. All
+is well, all will be well, all goes as well as possible."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXIV</h2>
+
+<h3>OF PAQUETTE AND FRIAR GIROFL&Eacute;E.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Upon their arrival at Venice, Candide went to search for Cacambo at
+every inn and coffee-house, and among all the ladies of pleasure, but to
+no purpose. He sent every day to inquire on all the ships that came in.
+But there was no news of Cacambo.</p>
+
+<p>"What!" said he to Martin, "I have had time to voyage from Surinam to
+Bordeaux, to go from Bordeaux to Paris, from Paris to Dieppe, from
+Dieppe to Portsmouth, to coast along Portugal and Spain, to cross the
+whole Mediterranean, to spend some months, and yet the beautiful
+Cunegonde has not arrived! Instead of her I have only met a Parisian
+wench and a Perigordian Abb&eacute;. Cunegonde is dead without doubt, and there
+is nothing for me but to die. Alas! how much better it would have been
+for me to have remained in the paradise of El Dorado than to come back
+to this cursed Europe! You are in the right, my dear Martin: all is
+misery and illusion."</p>
+
+<p>He fell into a deep melancholy, and neither<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> went to see the opera, nor
+any of the other diversions of the Carnival; nay, he was proof against
+the temptations of all the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>"You are in truth very simple," said Martin to him, "if you imagine that
+a mongrel valet, who has five or six millions in his pocket, will go to
+the other end of the world to seek your mistress and bring her to you to
+Venice. If he find her, he will keep her to himself; if he do not find
+her he will get another. I advise you to forget your valet Cacambo and
+your mistress Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>Martin was not consoling. Candide's melancholy increased; and Martin
+continued to prove to him that there was very little virtue or happiness
+upon earth, except perhaps in El Dorado, where nobody could gain
+admittance.</p>
+
+<p>While they were disputing on this important subject and waiting for
+Cunegonde, Candide saw a young Theatin friar in St. Mark's Piazza,
+holding a girl on his arm. The Theatin looked fresh coloured, plump, and
+vigorous; his eyes were sparkling, his air assured, his look lofty, and
+his step bold. The girl was very pretty, and sang; she looked amorously
+at her Theatin, and from time to time pinched his fat cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>"At least you will allow me," said Candide to Martin, "that these two
+are happy. Hitherto I have met with none but unfortunate people in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> the
+whole habitable globe, except in El Dorado; but as to this pair, I would
+venture to lay a wager that they are very happy."</p>
+
+<p>"I lay you they are not," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"We need only ask them to dine with us," said Candide, "and you will see
+whether I am mistaken."</p>
+
+<p>Immediately he accosted them, presented his compliments, and invited
+them to his inn to eat some macaroni, with Lombard partridges, and
+caviare, and to drink some Montepulciano, Lachrym&aelig; Christi, Cyprus and
+Samos wine. The girl blushed, the Theatin accepted the invitation and
+she followed him, casting her eyes on Candide with confusion and
+surprise, and dropping a few tears. No sooner had she set foot in
+Candide's apartment than she cried out:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! Mr. Candide does not know Paquette again."</p>
+
+<p>Candide had not viewed her as yet with attention, his thoughts being
+entirely taken up with Cunegonde; but recollecting her as she spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said he, "my poor child, it is you who reduced Doctor Pangloss
+to the beautiful condition in which I saw him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Alas! it was I, sir, indeed," answered Paquette. "I see that you have
+heard all. I have been informed of the frightful disasters that befell
+the family of my lady Baroness, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> the fair Cunegonde. I swear to you
+that my fate has been scarcely less sad. I was very innocent when you
+knew me. A Grey Friar, who was my confessor, easily seduced me. The
+consequences were terrible. I was obliged to quit the castle some time
+after the Baron had sent you away with kicks on the backside. If a
+famous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I should have died. For
+some time I was this surgeon's mistress, merely out of gratitude. His
+wife, who was mad with jealousy, beat me every day unmercifully; she was
+a fury. The surgeon was one of the ugliest of men, and I the most
+wretched of women, to be continually beaten for a man I did not love.
+You know, sir, what a dangerous thing it is for an ill-natured woman to
+be married to a doctor. Incensed at the behaviour of his wife, he one
+day gave her so effectual a remedy to cure her of a slight cold, that
+she died two hours after, in most horrid convulsions. The wife's
+relations prosecuted the husband; he took flight, and I was thrown into
+jail. My innocence would not have saved me if I had not been
+good-looking. The judge set me free, on condition that he succeeded the
+surgeon. I was soon supplanted by a rival, turned out of doors quite
+destitute, and obliged to continue this abominable trade, which appears
+so pleasant to you men, while to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> us women it is the utmost abyss of
+misery. I have come to exercise the profession at Venice. Ah! sir, if
+you could only imagine what it is to be obliged to caress indifferently
+an old merchant, a lawyer, a monk, a gondolier, an abb&eacute;, to be exposed
+to abuse and insults; to be often reduced to borrowing a petticoat, only
+to go and have it raised by a disagreeable man; to be robbed by one of
+what one has earned from another; to be subject to the extortions of the
+officers of justice; and to have in prospect only a frightful old age, a
+hospital, and a dung-hill; you would conclude that I am one of the most
+unhappy creatures in the world."<a name="FNanchor_33_33" id="FNanchor_33_33"></a><a href="#Footnote_33_33" class="fnanchor">[33]</a></p>
+
+<p>Paquette thus opened her heart to honest Candide, in the presence of
+Martin, who said to his friend:</p>
+
+<p>"You see that already I have won half the wager."</p>
+
+<p>Friar Girofl&eacute;e stayed in the dining-room, and drank a glass or two of
+wine while he was waiting for dinner.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Candide to Paquette, "you looked so gay and content when I
+met you; you sang and you behaved so lovingly to the Theatin, that you
+seemed to me as happy as you pretend to be now the reverse."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! sir," answered Paquette, "this is one of the miseries of the trade.
+Yesterday I was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> robbed and beaten by an officer; yet to-day I must put
+on good humour to please a friar."</p>
+
+<p>Candide wanted no more convincing; he owned that Martin was in the
+right. They sat down to table with Paquette and the Theatin; the repast
+was entertaining; and towards the end they conversed with all
+confidence.</p>
+
+<p>"Father," said Candide to the Friar, "you appear to me to enjoy a state
+that all the world might envy; the flower of health shines in your face,
+your expression makes plain your happiness; you have a very pretty girl
+for your recreation, and you seem well satisfied with your state as a
+Theatin."</p>
+
+<p>"My faith, sir," said Friar Girofl&eacute;e, "I wish that all the Theatins were
+at the bottom of the sea. I have been tempted a hundred times to set
+fire to the convent, and go and become a Turk. My parents forced me at
+the age of fifteen to put on this detestable habit, to increase the
+fortune of a cursed elder brother, whom God confound. Jealousy, discord,
+and fury, dwell in the convent. It is true I have preached a few bad
+sermons that have brought me in a little money, of which the prior stole
+half, while the rest serves to maintain my girls; but when I return at
+night to the monastery, I am ready to dash my head against the walls of
+the dormitory; and all my fellows are in the same case."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Martin turned towards Candide with his usual coolness.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said he, "have I not won the whole wager?"</p>
+
+<p>Candide gave two thousand piastres to Paquette, and one thousand to
+Friar Girofl&eacute;e.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll answer for it," said he, "that with this they will be happy."</p>
+
+<p>"I do not believe it at all," said Martin; "you will, perhaps, with
+these piastres only render them the more unhappy."</p>
+
+<p>"Let that be as it may," said Candide, "but one thing consoles me. I see
+that we often meet with those whom we expected never to see more; so
+that, perhaps, as I have found my red sheep and Paquette, it may well be
+that I shall also find Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish," said Martin, "she may one day make you very happy; but I doubt
+it very much."</p>
+
+<p>"You are very hard of belief," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"I have lived," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"You see those gondoliers," said Candide, "are they not perpetually
+singing?"</p>
+
+<p>"You do not see them," said Martin, "at home with their wives and brats.
+The Doge has his troubles, the gondoliers have theirs. It is true that,
+all things considered, the life of a gondolier is preferable to that of
+a Doge; but I believe the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> difference to be so trifling that it is not
+worth the trouble of examining."</p>
+
+<p>"People talk," said Candide, "of the Senator Pococurante, who lives in
+that fine palace on the Brenta, where he entertains foreigners in the
+politest manner. They pretend that this man has never felt any
+uneasiness."</p>
+
+<p>"I should be glad to see such a rarity," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>Candide immediately sent to ask the Lord Pococurante permission to wait
+upon him the next day.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE VISIT TO LORD POCOCURANTE, A NOBLE VENETIAN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Candide and Martin went in a gondola on the Brenta, and arrived at the
+palace of the noble Signor Pococurante. The gardens, laid out with
+taste, were adorned with fine marble statues. The palace was beautifully
+built. The master of the house was a man of sixty, and very rich. He
+received the two travellers with polite indifference, which put Candide
+a little out of countenance, but was not at all disagreeable to Martin.</p>
+
+<p>First, two pretty girls, very neatly dressed, served them with
+chocolate, which was frothed exceedingly well. Candide could not refrain
+from commending their beauty, grace, and address.</p>
+
+<p>"They are good enough creatures," said the Senator. "I make them lie
+with me sometimes, for I am very tired of the ladies of the town, of
+their coquetries, of their jealousies, of their quarrels, of their
+humours, of their pettinesses, of their prides, of their follies, and of
+the sonnets<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> which one must make, or have made, for them. But after all,
+these two girls begin to weary me."</p>
+
+<p>After breakfast, Candide walking into a long gallery was surprised by
+the beautiful pictures. He asked, by what master were the two first.</p>
+
+<p>"They are by Raphael," said the Senator. "I bought them at a great
+price, out of vanity, some years ago. They are said to be the finest
+things in Italy, but they do not please me at all. The colours are too
+dark, the figures are not sufficiently rounded, nor in good relief; the
+draperies in no way resemble stuffs. In a word, whatever may be said, I
+do not find there a true imitation of nature. I only care for a picture
+when I think I see nature itself; and there are none of this sort. I
+have a great many pictures, but I prize them very little."</p>
+
+<p>While they were waiting for dinner Pococurante ordered a concert.
+Candide found the music delicious.</p>
+
+<p>"This noise," said the Senator, "may amuse one for half an hour; but if
+it were to last longer it would grow tiresome to everybody, though they
+durst not own it. Music, to-day, is only the art of executing difficult
+things, and that which is only difficult cannot please long. Perhaps I
+should be fonder of the opera if they had not found the secret of making
+of it a monster<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> which shocks me. Let who will go to see bad tragedies
+set to music, where the scenes are contrived for no other end than to
+introduce two or three songs ridiculously out of place, to show off an
+actress's voice. Let who will, or who can, die away with pleasure at the
+sight of an eunuch quavering the <i>r&ocirc;le</i> of C&aelig;sar, or of Cato, and
+strutting awkwardly upon the stage. For my part I have long since
+renounced those paltry entertainments which constitute the glory of
+modern Italy, and are purchased so dearly by sovereigns."</p>
+
+<p>Candide disputed the point a little, but with discretion. Martin was
+entirely of the Senator's opinion.</p>
+
+<p>They sat down to table, and after an excellent dinner they went into the
+library. Candide, seeing a Homer magnificently bound, commended the
+virtuoso on his good taste.</p>
+
+<p>"There," said he, "is a book that was once the delight of the great
+Pangloss, the best philosopher in Germany."</p>
+
+<p>"It is not mine," answered Pococurante coolly. "They used at one time to
+make me believe that I took a pleasure in reading him. But that
+continual repetition of battles, so extremely like one another; those
+gods that are always active without doing anything decisive; that Helen
+who is the cause of the war, and who yet scarcely appears<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> in the piece;
+that Troy, so long besieged without being taken; all these together
+caused me great weariness. I have sometimes asked learned men whether
+they were not as weary as I of that work. Those who were sincere have
+owned to me that the poem made them fall asleep; yet it was necessary to
+have it in their library as a monument of antiquity, or like those rusty
+medals which are no longer of use in commerce."</p>
+
+<p>"But your Excellency does not think thus of Virgil?" said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>"I grant," said the Senator, "that the second, fourth, and sixth books
+of his <i>&AElig;neid</i> are excellent, but as for his pious &AElig;neas, his strong
+Cloanthus, his friend Achates, his little Ascanius, his silly King
+Latinus, his bourgeois Amata, his insipid Lavinia, I think there can be
+nothing more flat and disagreeable. I prefer Tasso a good deal, or even
+the soporific tales of Ariosto."</p>
+
+<p>"May I presume to ask you, sir," said Candide, "whether you do not
+receive a great deal of pleasure from reading Horace?"</p>
+
+<p>"There are maxims in this writer," answered Pococurante, "from which a
+man of the world may reap great benefit, and being written in energetic
+verse they are more easily impressed upon the memory. But I care little
+for his journey to Brundusium, and his account of a bad<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> dinner, or of
+his low quarrel between one Rupilius whose words he says were full of
+poisonous filth, and another whose language was imbued with vinegar. I
+have read with much distaste his indelicate verses against old women and
+witches; nor do I see any merit in telling his friend M&aelig;cenas that if he
+will but rank him in the choir of lyric poets, his lofty head shall
+touch the stars. Fools admire everything in an author of reputation. For
+my part, I read only to please myself. I like only that which serves my
+purpose."</p>
+
+<p>Candide, having been educated never to judge for himself, was much
+surprised at what he heard. Martin found there was a good deal of reason
+in Pococurante's remarks.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! here is Cicero," said Candide. "Here is the great man whom I fancy
+you are never tired of reading."</p>
+
+<p>"I never read him," replied the Venetian. "What is it to me whether he
+pleads for Rabirius or Cluentius? I try causes enough myself; his
+philosophical works seem to me better, but when I found that he doubted
+of everything, I concluded that I knew as much as he, and that I had no
+need of a guide to learn ignorance."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! here are four-score volumes of the Academy of Sciences," cried
+Martin. "Perhaps there is something valuable in this collection."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"There might be," said Pococurante, "if only one of those rakers of
+rubbish had shown how to make pins; but in all these volumes there is
+nothing but chimerical systems, and not a single useful thing."</p>
+
+<p>"And what dramatic works I see here," said Candide, "in Italian,
+Spanish, and French."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied the Senator, "there are three thousand, and not three
+dozen of them good for anything. As to those collections of sermons,
+which altogether are not worth a single page of Seneca, and those huge
+volumes of theology, you may well imagine that neither I nor any one
+else ever opens them."</p>
+
+<p>Martin saw some shelves filled with English books.</p>
+
+<p>"I have a notion," said he, "that a Republican must be greatly pleased
+with most of these books, which are written with a spirit of freedom."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," answered Pococurante, "it is noble to write as one thinks; this
+is the privilege of humanity. In all our Italy we write only what we do
+not think; those who inhabit the country of the C&aelig;sars and the
+Antoninuses dare not acquire a single idea without the permission of a
+Dominican friar. I should be pleased with the liberty which inspires the
+English genius if passion and party spirit did not corrupt all that is
+estimable in this precious liberty."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Candide, observing a Milton, asked whether he did not look upon this
+author as a great man.</p>
+
+<p>"Who?" said Pococurante, "that barbarian, who writes a long commentary
+in ten books of harsh verse on the first chapter of Genesis; that coarse
+imitator of the Greeks, who disfigures the Creation, and who, while
+Moses represents the Eternal producing the world by a word, makes the
+Messiah take a great pair of compasses from the armoury of heaven to
+circumscribe His work? How can I have any esteem for a writer who has
+spoiled Tasso's hell and the devil, who transforms Lucifer sometimes
+into a toad and other times into a pigmy, who makes him repeat the same
+things a hundred times, who makes him dispute on theology, who, by a
+serious imitation of Ariosto's comic invention of firearms, represents
+the devils cannonading in heaven? Neither I nor any man in Italy could
+take pleasure in those melancholy extravagances; and the marriage of Sin
+and Death, and the snakes brought forth by Sin, are enough to turn the
+stomach of any one with the least taste, [and his long description of a
+pest-house is good only for a grave-digger]. This obscure, whimsical,
+and disagreeable poem was despised upon its first publication, and I
+only treat it now as it was treated in its own country by
+contemporaries. For the matter of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> that I say what I think, and I care
+very little whether others think as I do."</p>
+
+<p>Candide was grieved at this speech, for he had a respect for Homer and
+was fond of Milton.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said he softly to Martin, "I am afraid that this man holds our
+German poets in very great contempt."</p>
+
+<p>"There would not be much harm in that," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! what a superior man," said Candide below his breath. "What a great
+genius is this Pococurante! Nothing can please him."</p>
+
+<p>After their survey of the library they went down into the garden, where
+Candide praised its several beauties.</p>
+
+<p>"I know of nothing in so bad a taste," said the master. "All you see
+here is merely trifling. After to-morrow I will have it planted with a
+nobler design."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Candide to Martin when they had taken their leave, "you
+will agree that this is the happiest of mortals, for he is above
+everything he possesses."</p>
+
+<p>"But do you not see," answered Martin, "that he is disgusted with all he
+possesses? Plato observed a long while ago that those stomachs are not
+the best that reject all sorts of food."</p>
+
+<p>"But is there not a pleasure," said Candide,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> "in criticising
+everything, in pointing out faults where others see nothing but
+beauties?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is to say," replied Martin, "that there is some pleasure in having
+no pleasure."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well," said Candide, "I find that I shall be the only happy man
+when I am blessed with the sight of my dear Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>"It is always well to hope," said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>However, the days and the weeks passed. Cacambo did not come, and
+Candide was so overwhelmed with grief that he did not even reflect that
+Paquette and Friar Girofl&eacute;e did not return to thank him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXVI</h2>
+
+<h3>OF A SUPPER WHICH CANDIDE AND MARTIN TOOK WITH SIX STRANGERS, AND WHO
+THEY WERE.<a name="FNanchor_34_34" id="FNanchor_34_34"></a><a href="#Footnote_34_34" class="fnanchor">[34]</a></h3>
+
+
+<p>One evening that Candide and Martin were going to sit down to supper
+with some foreigners who lodged in the same inn, a man whose complexion
+was as black as soot, came behind Candide, and taking him by the arm,
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Get yourself ready to go along with us; do not fail."</p>
+
+<p>Upon this he turned round and saw&mdash;Cacambo! Nothing but the sight of
+Cunegonde could have astonished and delighted him more. He was on the
+point of going mad with joy. He embraced his dear friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Cunegonde is here, without doubt; where is she? Take me to her that I
+may die of joy in her company."</p>
+
+<p>"Cunegonde is not here," said Cacambo, "she is at Constantinople."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, heavens! at Constantinople! But were she in China I would fly
+thither; let us be off."</p>
+
+<p>"We shall set out after supper," replied<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> Cacambo. "I can tell you
+nothing more; I am a slave, my master awaits me, I must serve him at
+table; speak not a word, eat, and then get ready."</p>
+
+<p>Candide, distracted between joy and grief, delighted at seeing his
+faithful agent again, astonished at finding him a slave, filled with the
+fresh hope of recovering his mistress, his heart palpitating, his
+understanding confused, sat down to table with Martin, who saw all these
+scenes quite unconcerned, and with six strangers who had come to spend
+the Carnival at Venice.</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo waited at table upon one of the strangers; towards the end of
+the entertainment he drew near his master, and whispered in his ear:</p>
+
+<p>"Sire, your Majesty may start when you please, the vessel is ready."</p>
+
+<p>On saying these words he went out. The company in great surprise looked
+at one another without speaking a word, when another domestic approached
+his master and said to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Sire, your Majesty's chaise is at Padua, and the boat is ready."</p>
+
+<p>The master gave a nod and the servant went away. The company all stared
+at one another again, and their surprise redoubled. A third valet came
+up to a third stranger, saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Sire, believe me, your Majesty ought not to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> stay here any longer. I am
+going to get everything ready."</p>
+
+<p>And immediately he disappeared. Candide and Martin did not doubt that
+this was a masquerade of the Carnival. Then a fourth domestic said to a
+fourth master:</p>
+
+<p>"Your Majesty may depart when you please."</p>
+
+<p>Saying this he went away like the rest. The fifth valet said the same
+thing to the fifth master. But the sixth valet spoke differently to the
+sixth stranger, who sat near Candide. He said to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Faith, Sire, they will no longer give credit to your Majesty nor to me,
+and we may perhaps both of us be put in jail this very night. Therefore
+I will take care of myself. Adieu."</p>
+
+<p>The servants being all gone, the six strangers, with Candide and Martin,
+remained in a profound silence. At length Candide broke it.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said he, "this is a very good joke indeed, but why should
+you all be kings? For me I own that neither Martin nor I is a king."</p>
+
+<p>Cacambo's master then gravely answered in Italian:</p>
+
+<p>"I am not at all joking. My name is Achmet III. I was Grand Sultan many
+years. I dethroned my brother; my nephew dethroned me, my viziers were
+beheaded, and I am condemned to end my days in the old Seraglio. My
+nephew,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> the great Sultan Mahmoud, permits me to travel sometimes for my
+health, and I am come to spend the Carnival at Venice."</p>
+
+<p>A young man who sat next to Achmet, spoke then as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"My name is Ivan. I was once Emperor of all the Russias, but was
+dethroned in my cradle. My parents were confined in prison and I was
+educated there; yet I am sometimes allowed to travel in company with
+persons who act as guards; and I am come to spend the Carnival at
+Venice."</p>
+
+<p>The third said:</p>
+
+<p>"I am Charles Edward, King of England; my father has resigned all his
+legal rights to me. I have fought in defence of them; and above eight
+hundred of my adherents have been hanged, drawn, and quartered. I have
+been confined in prison; I am going to Rome, to pay a visit to the King,
+my father, who was dethroned as well as myself and my grandfather, and I
+am come to spend the Carnival at Venice."</p>
+
+<p>The fourth spoke thus in his turn:</p>
+
+<p>"I am the King of Poland; the fortune of war has stripped me of my
+hereditary dominions; my father underwent the same vicissitudes; I
+resign myself to Providence in the same manner as Sultan Achmet, the
+Emperor Ivan, and King Charles Edward, whom God long preserve;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> and I am
+come to the Carnival at Venice."</p>
+
+<p>The fifth said:</p>
+
+<p>"I am King of Poland also; I have been twice dethroned; but Providence
+has given me another country, where I have done more good than all the
+Sarmatian kings were ever capable of doing on the banks of the Vistula;
+I resign myself likewise to Providence, and am come to pass the Carnival
+at Venice."</p>
+
+<p>It was now the sixth monarch's turn to speak:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said he, "I am not so great a prince as any of you;
+however, I am a king. I am Theodore, elected King of Corsica; I had the
+title of Majesty, and now I am scarcely treated as a gentleman. I have
+coined money, and now am not worth a farthing; I have had two
+secretaries of state, and now I have scarce a valet; I have seen myself
+on a throne, and I have seen myself upon straw in a common jail in
+London. I am afraid that I shall meet with the same treatment here
+though, like your majesties, I am come to see the Carnival at Venice."</p>
+
+<p>The other five kings listened to this speech with generous compassion.
+Each of them gave twenty sequins to King Theodore to buy him clothes and
+linen; and Candide made him a present of a diamond worth two thousand
+sequins.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Who can this private person be," said the five kings to one another,
+"who is able to give, and really has given, a hundred times as much as
+any of us?"</p>
+
+<p>Just as they rose from table, in came four Serene Highnesses, who had
+also been stripped of their territories by the fortune of war, and were
+come to spend the Carnival at Venice. But Candide paid no regard to
+these newcomers, his thoughts were entirely employed on his voyage to
+Constantinople, in search of his beloved Cunegonde.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXVII</h2>
+
+<h3>CANDIDE'S VOYAGE TO CONSTANTINOPLE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>The faithful Cacambo had already prevailed upon the Turkish skipper, who
+was to conduct the Sultan Achmet to Constantinople, to receive Candide
+and Martin on his ship. They both embarked after having made their
+obeisance to his miserable Highness.</p>
+
+<p>"You see," said Candide to Martin on the way, "we supped with six
+dethroned kings, and of those six there was one to whom I gave charity.
+Perhaps there are many other princes yet more unfortunate. For my part,
+I have only lost a hundred sheep; and now I am flying into Cunegonde's
+arms. My dear Martin, yet once more Pangloss was right: all is for the
+best."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish it," answered Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Candide, "it was a very strange adventure we met with at
+Venice. It has never before been seen or heard that six dethroned kings
+have supped together at a public inn."</p>
+
+<p>"It is not more extraordinary," said Martin, "than most of the things
+that have happened to us. It is a very common thing for kings to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>
+dethroned; and as for the honour we have had of supping in their
+company, it is a trifle not worth our attention."</p>
+
+<p>No sooner had Candide got on board the vessel than he flew to his old
+valet and friend Cacambo, and tenderly embraced him.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said he, "what news of Cunegonde? Is she still a prodigy of
+beauty? Does she love me still? How is she? Thou hast doubtless bought
+her a palace at Constantinople?"</p>
+
+<p>"My dear master," answered Cacambo, "Cunegonde washes dishes on the
+banks of the Propontis, in the service of a prince, who has very few
+dishes to wash; she is a slave in the family of an ancient sovereign
+named Ragotsky,<a name="FNanchor_35_35" id="FNanchor_35_35"></a><a href="#Footnote_35_35" class="fnanchor">[35]</a> to whom the Grand Turk allows three crowns a day in
+his exile. But what is worse still is, that she has lost her beauty and
+has become horribly ugly."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, handsome or ugly," replied Candide, "I am a man of honour, and it
+is my duty to love her still. But how came she to be reduced to so
+abject a state with the five or six millions that you took to her?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said Cacambo, "was I not to give two millions to Senor Don
+Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
+Governor of Buenos Ayres, for permitting Miss Cunegonde to come away?
+And did<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> not a corsair bravely rob us of all the rest? Did not this
+corsair carry us to Cape Matapan, to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, to
+Petra, to the Dardanelles, to Marmora, to Scutari? Cunegonde and the old
+woman serve the prince I now mentioned to you, and I am slave to the
+dethroned Sultan."</p>
+
+<p>"What a series of shocking calamities!" cried Candide. "But after all, I
+have some diamonds left; and I may easily pay Cunegonde's ransom. Yet it
+is a pity that she is grown so ugly."</p>
+
+<p>Then, turning towards Martin: "Who do you think," said he, "is most to
+be pitied&mdash;the Sultan Achmet, the Emperor Ivan, King Charles Edward, or
+I?"</p>
+
+<p>"How should I know!" answered Martin. "I must see into your hearts to be
+able to tell."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said Candide, "if Pangloss were here, he could tell."</p>
+
+<p>"I know not," said Martin, "in what sort of scales your Pangloss would
+weigh the misfortunes of mankind and set a just estimate on their
+sorrows. All that I can presume to say is, that there are millions of
+people upon earth who have a hundred times more to complain of than King
+Charles Edward, the Emperor Ivan, or the Sultan Achmet."</p>
+
+<p>"That may well be," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>In a few days they reached the Bosphorus,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> and Candide began by paying a
+very high ransom for Cacambo. Then without losing time, he and his
+companions went on board a galley, in order to search on the banks of
+the Propontis for his Cunegonde, however ugly she might have become.</p>
+
+<p>Among the crew there were two slaves who rowed very badly, and to whose
+bare shoulders the Levantine captain would now and then apply blows from
+a bull's pizzle. Candide, from a natural impulse, looked at these two
+slaves more attentively than at the other oarsmen, and approached them
+with pity. Their features though greatly disfigured, had a slight
+resemblance to those of Pangloss and the unhappy Jesuit and Westphalian
+Baron, brother to Miss Cunegonde. This moved and saddened him. He looked
+at them still more attentively.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed," said he to Cacambo, "if I had not seen Master Pangloss hanged,
+and if I had not had the misfortune to kill the Baron, I should think it
+was they that were rowing."</p>
+
+<p>At the names of the Baron and of Pangloss, the two galley-slaves uttered
+a loud cry, held fast by the seat, and let drop their oars. The captain
+ran up to them and redoubled his blows with the bull's pizzle.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop! stop! sir," cried Candide. "I will give you what money you
+please."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"What! it is Candide!" said one of the slaves.</p>
+
+<p>"What! it is Candide!" said the other.</p>
+
+<p>"Do I dream?" cried Candide; "am I awake? or am I on board a galley? Is
+this the Baron whom I killed? Is this Master Pangloss whom I saw
+hanged?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is we! it is we!" answered they.</p>
+
+<p>"Well! is this the great philosopher?" said Martin.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! captain," said Candide, "what ransom will you take for Monsieur de
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, one of the first barons of the empire, and for
+Monsieur Pangloss, the profoundest metaphysician in Germany?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dog of a Christian," answered the Levantine captain, "since these two
+dogs of Christian slaves are barons and metaphysicians, which I doubt
+not are high dignities in their country, you shall give me fifty
+thousand sequins."</p>
+
+<p>"You shall have them, sir. Carry me back at once to Constantinople, and
+you shall receive the money directly. But no; carry me first to Miss
+Cunegonde."</p>
+
+<p>Upon the first proposal made by Candide, however, the Levantine captain
+had already tacked about, and made the crew ply their oars quicker than
+a bird cleaves the air.</p>
+
+<p>Candide embraced the Baron and Pangloss a hundred times.</p>
+
+<p>"And how happened it, my dear Baron, that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> I did not kill you? And, my
+dear Pangloss, how came you to life again after being hanged? And why
+are you both in a Turkish galley?"</p>
+
+<p>"And it is true that my dear sister is in this country?" said the Baron.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," answered Cacambo.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I behold, once more, my dear Candide," cried Pangloss.</p>
+
+<p>Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to them; they embraced each other,
+and all spoke at once. The galley flew; they were already in the port.
+Instantly Candide sent for a Jew, to whom he sold for fifty thousand
+sequins a diamond worth a hundred thousand, though the fellow swore to
+him by Abraham that he could give him no more. He immediately paid the
+ransom for the Baron and Pangloss. The latter threw himself at the feet
+of his deliverer, and bathed them with his tears; the former thanked him
+with a nod, and promised to return him the money on the first
+opportunity.</p>
+
+<p>"But is it indeed possible that my sister can be in Turkey?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing is more possible," said Cacambo, "since she scours the dishes
+in the service of a Transylvanian prince."</p>
+
+<p>Candide sent directly for two Jews and sold them some more diamonds, and
+then they all set out together in another galley to deliver Cunegonde
+from slavery.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>WHAT HAPPENED TO CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, PANGLOSS, MARTIN, ETC.</h3>
+
+
+<p>"I ask your pardon once more," said Candide to the Baron, "your pardon,
+reverend father, for having run you through the body."</p>
+
+<p>"Say no more about it," answered the Baron. "I was a little too hasty, I
+own, but since you wish to know by what fatality I came to be a
+galley-slave I will inform you. After I had been cured by the surgeon of
+the college of the wound you gave me, I was attacked and carried off by
+a party of Spanish troops, who confined me in prison at Buenos Ayres at
+the very time my sister was setting out thence. I asked leave to return
+to Rome to the General of my Order. I was appointed chaplain to the
+French Ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been eight days in this
+employment when one evening I met with a young Ichoglan, who was a very
+handsome fellow. The weather was warm. The young man wanted to bathe,
+and I took this opportunity of bathing also. I did not know that it was
+a capital crime for a Christian to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> be found naked with a young
+Mussulman. A cadi ordered me a hundred blows on the soles of the feet,
+and condemned me to the galleys. I do not think there ever was a greater
+act of injustice. But I should be glad to know how my sister came to be
+scullion to a Transylvanian prince who has taken shelter among the
+Turks."</p>
+
+<p>"But you, my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "how can it be that I behold
+you again?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is true," said Pangloss, "that you saw me hanged. I should have been
+burnt, but you may remember it rained exceedingly hard when they were
+going to roast me; the storm was so violent that they despaired of
+lighting the fire, so I was hanged because they could do no better. A
+surgeon purchased my body, carried me home, and dissected me. He began
+with making a crucial incision on me from the navel to the clavicula.
+One could not have been worse hanged than I was. The executioner of the
+Holy Inquisition was a sub-deacon, and knew how to burn people
+marvellously well, but he was not accustomed to hanging. The cord was
+wet and did not slip properly, and besides it was badly tied; in short,
+I still drew my breath, when the crucial incision made me give such a
+frightful scream that my surgeon fell flat upon his back, and imagining
+that he had been dissecting the devil he ran away, dying with fear, and
+fell down the staircase<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> in his flight. His wife, hearing the noise,
+flew from the next room. She saw me stretched out upon the table with my
+crucial incision. She was seized with yet greater fear than her husband,
+fled, and tumbled over him. When they came to themselves a little, I
+heard the wife say to her husband: 'My dear, how could you take it into
+your head to dissect a heretic? Do you not know that these people always
+have the devil in their bodies? I will go and fetch a priest this minute
+to exorcise him.' At this proposal I shuddered, and mustering up what
+little courage I had still remaining I cried out aloud, 'Have mercy on
+me!' At length the Portuguese barber plucked up his spirits. He sewed up
+my wounds; his wife even nursed me. I was upon my legs at the end of
+fifteen days. The barber found me a place as lackey to a knight of Malta
+who was going to Venice, but finding that my master had no money to pay
+me my wages I entered the service of a Venetian merchant, and went with
+him to Constantinople. One day I took it into my head to step into a
+mosque, where I saw an old Iman and a very pretty young devotee who was
+saying her paternosters. Her bosom was uncovered, and between her
+breasts she had a beautiful bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones,
+ranunculus, hyacinths, and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet; I picked
+it up, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> presented it to her with a profound reverence. I was so long
+in delivering it that the Iman began to get angry, and seeing that I was
+a Christian he called out for help. They carried me before the cadi, who
+ordered me a hundred lashes on the soles of the feet and sent me to the
+galleys. I was chained to the very same galley and the same bench as the
+young Baron. On board this galley there were four young men from
+Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks from Corfu, who told
+us similar adventures happened daily. The Baron maintained that he had
+suffered greater injustice than I, and I insisted that it was far more
+innocent to take up a bouquet and place it again on a woman's bosom than
+to be found stark naked with an Ichoglan. We were continually disputing,
+and received twenty lashes with a bull's pizzle when the concatenation
+of universal events brought you to our galley, and you were good enough
+to ransom us."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my dear Pangloss," said Candide to him, "when you had been
+hanged, dissected, whipped, and were tugging at the oar, did you always
+think that everything happens for the best?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am still of my first opinion," answered Pangloss, "for I am a
+philosopher and I cannot<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> retract, especially as Leibnitz could never be
+wrong; and besides, the pre-established harmony is the finest thing in
+the world, and so is his <i>plenum</i> and <i>materia subtilis</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXIX</h2>
+
+<h3>HOW CANDIDE FOUND CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN AGAIN.</h3>
+
+
+<p>While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and Cacambo were relating
+their several adventures, were reasoning on the contingent or
+non-contingent events of the universe, disputing on effects and causes,
+on moral and physical evil, on liberty and necessity, and on the
+consolations a slave may feel even on a Turkish galley, they arrived at
+the house of the Transylvanian prince on the banks of the Propontis. The
+first objects which met their sight were Cunegonde and the old woman
+hanging towels out to dry.</p>
+
+<p>The Baron paled at this sight. The tender, loving Candide, seeing his
+beautiful Cunegonde embrowned, with blood-shot eyes, withered neck,
+wrinkled cheeks, and rough, red arms, recoiled three paces, seized with
+horror, and then advanced out of good manners. She embraced Candide and
+her brother; they embraced the old woman, and Candide ransomed them
+both.</p>
+
+<p>There was a small farm in the neighbourhood<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> which the old woman
+proposed to Candide to make a shift with till the company could be
+provided for in a better manner. Cunegonde did not know she had grown
+ugly, for nobody had told her of it; and she reminded Candide of his
+promise in so positive a tone that the good man durst not refuse her. He
+therefore intimated to the Baron that he intended marrying his sister.</p>
+
+<p>"I will not suffer," said the Baron, "such meanness on her part, and
+such insolence on yours; I will never be reproached with this scandalous
+thing; my sister's children would never be able to enter the church in
+Germany. No; my sister shall only marry a baron of the empire."</p>
+
+<p>Cunegonde flung herself at his feet, and bathed them with her tears;
+still he was inflexible.</p>
+
+<p>"Thou foolish fellow," said Candide; "I have delivered thee out of the
+galleys, I have paid thy ransom, and thy sister's also; she was a
+scullion, and is very ugly, yet I am so condescending as to marry her;
+and dost thou pretend to oppose the match? I should kill thee again,
+were I only to consult my anger."</p>
+
+<p>"Thou mayest kill me again," said the Baron, "but thou shalt not marry
+my sister, at least whilst I am living."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>XXX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE CONCLUSION.</h3>
+
+
+<p>At the bottom of his heart Candide had no wish to marry Cunegonde. But
+the extreme impertinence of the Baron determined him to conclude the
+match, and Cunegonde pressed him so strongly that he could not go from
+his word. He consulted Pangloss, Martin, and the faithful Cacambo.
+Pangloss drew up an excellent memorial, wherein he proved that the Baron
+had no right over his sister, and that according to all the laws of the
+empire, she might marry Candide with her left hand. Martin was for
+throwing the Baron into the sea; Cacambo decided that it would be better
+to deliver him up again to the captain of the galley, after which they
+thought to send him back to the General Father of the Order at Rome by
+the first ship. This advice was well received, the old woman approved
+it; they said not a word to his sister; the thing was executed for a
+little money, and they had the double pleasure of entrapping a Jesuit,
+and punishing the pride of a German baron.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is natural to imagine that after so many disasters Candide married,
+and living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the
+prudent Cacambo, and the old woman, having besides brought so many
+diamonds from the country of the ancient Incas, must have led a very
+happy life. But he was so much imposed upon by the Jews that he had
+nothing left except his small farm; his wife became uglier every day,
+more peevish and unsupportable; the old woman was infirm and even more
+fretful than Cunegonde. Cacambo, who worked in the garden, and took
+vegetables for sale to Constantinople, was fatigued with hard work, and
+cursed his destiny. Pangloss was in despair at not shining in some
+German university. For Martin, he was firmly persuaded that he would be
+as badly off elsewhere, and therefore bore things patiently. Candide,
+Martin, and Pangloss sometimes disputed about morals and metaphysics.
+They often saw passing under the windows of their farm boats full of
+Effendis, Pashas, and Cadis, who were going into banishment to Lemnos,
+Mitylene, or Erzeroum. And they saw other Cadis, Pashas, and Effendis
+coming to supply the place of the exiles, and afterwards exiled in their
+turn. They saw heads decently impaled for presentation to the Sublime
+Porte. Such spectacles as these increased the number<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> of their
+dissertations; and when they did not dispute time hung so heavily upon
+their hands, that one day the old woman ventured to say to them:</p>
+
+<p>"I want to know which is worse, to be ravished a hundred times by negro
+pirates, to have a buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet among the
+Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>, to be
+dissected, to row in the galleys&mdash;in short, to go through all the
+miseries we have undergone, or to stay here and have nothing to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is a great question," said Candide.</p>
+
+<p>This discourse gave rise to new reflections, and Martin especially
+concluded that man was born to live either in a state of distracting
+inquietude or of lethargic disgust. Candide did not quite agree to that,
+but he affirmed nothing. Pangloss owned that he had always suffered
+horribly, but as he had once asserted that everything went wonderfully
+well, he asserted it still, though he no longer believed it.</p>
+
+<p>What helped to confirm Martin in his detestable principles, to stagger
+Candide more than ever, and to puzzle Pangloss, was that one day they
+saw Paquette and Friar Girofl&eacute;e land at the farm in extreme misery. They
+had soon squandered their three thousand piastres, parted, were
+reconciled, quarrelled again, were thrown<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> into gaol, had escaped, and
+Friar Girofl&eacute;e had at length become Turk. Paquette continued her trade
+wherever she went, but made nothing of it.</p>
+
+<p>"I foresaw," said Martin to Candide, "that your presents would soon be
+dissipated, and only make them the more miserable. You have rolled in
+millions of money, you and Cacambo; and yet you are not happier than
+Friar Girofl&eacute;e and Paquette."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" said Pangloss to Paquette, "Providence has then brought you
+amongst us again, my poor child! Do you know that you cost me the tip of
+my nose, an eye, and an ear, as you may see? What a world is this!"</p>
+
+<p>And now this new adventure set them philosophising more than ever.</p>
+
+<p>In the neighbourhood there lived a very famous Dervish who was esteemed
+the best philosopher in all Turkey, and they went to consult him.
+Pangloss was the speaker.</p>
+
+<p>"Master," said he, "we come to beg you to tell why so strange an animal
+as man was made."</p>
+
+<p>"With what meddlest thou?" said the Dervish; "is it thy business?"</p>
+
+<p>"But, reverend father," said Candide, "there is horrible evil in this
+world."</p>
+
+<p>"What signifies it," said the Dervish, "whether there be evil or good?
+When his highness sends<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> a ship to Egypt, does he trouble his head
+whether the mice on board are at their ease or not?"</p>
+
+<p>"What, then, must we do?" said Pangloss.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold your tongue," answered the Dervish.</p>
+
+<p>"I was in hopes," said Pangloss, "that I should reason with you a little
+about causes and effects, about the best of possible worlds, the origin
+of evil, the nature of the soul, and the pre-established harmony."</p>
+
+<p>At these words, the Dervish shut the door in their faces.</p>
+
+<p>During this conversation, the news was spread that two Viziers and the
+Mufti had been strangled at Constantinople, and that several of their
+friends had been impaled. This catastrophe made a great noise for some
+hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, returning to the little farm, saw
+a good old man taking the fresh air at his door under an orange bower.
+Pangloss, who was as inquisitive as he was argumentative, asked the old
+man what was the name of the strangled Mufti.</p>
+
+<p>"I do not know," answered the worthy man, "and I have not known the name
+of any Mufti, nor of any Vizier. I am entirely ignorant of the event you
+mention; I presume in general that they who meddle with the
+administration of public affairs die sometimes miserably, and that they
+deserve it; but I never trouble my head<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> about what is transacting at
+Constantinople; I content myself with sending there for sale the fruits
+of the garden which I cultivate."</p>
+
+<p>Having said these words, he invited the strangers into his house; his
+two sons and two daughters presented them with several sorts of sherbet,
+which they made themselves, with Kaimak enriched with the candied-peel
+of citrons, with oranges, lemons, pine-apples, pistachio-nuts, and Mocha
+coffee unadulterated with the bad coffee of Batavia or the American
+islands. After which the two daughters of the honest Mussulman perfumed
+the strangers' beards.</p>
+
+<p>"You must have a vast and magnificent estate," said Candide to the Turk.</p>
+
+<p>"I have only twenty acres," replied the old man; "I and my children
+cultivate them; our labour preserves us from three great
+evils&mdash;weariness, vice, and want."</p>
+
+<p>Candide, on his way home, made profound reflections on the old man's
+conversation.</p>
+
+<p>"This honest Turk," said he to Pangloss and Martin, "seems to be in a
+situation far preferable to that of the six kings with whom we had the
+honour of supping."</p>
+
+<p>"Grandeur," said Pangloss, "is extremely dangerous according to the
+testimony of philosophers. For, in short, Eglon, King of Moab,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> was
+assassinated by Ehud; Absalom was hung by his hair, and pierced with
+three darts; King Nadab, the son of Jeroboam, was killed by Baasa; King
+Ela by Zimri; Ahaziah by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings
+Jehoiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were led into captivity. You know how
+perished Cr&#339;sus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus,
+Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, C&aelig;sar, Pompey, Nero, Otho,
+Vitellius, Domitian, Richard II. of England, Edward II., Henry VI.,
+Richard III., Mary Stuart, Charles I., the three Henrys of France, the
+Emperor Henry IV.! You know&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I know also," said Candide, "that we must cultivate our garden."</p>
+
+<p>"You are right," said Pangloss, "for when man was first placed in the
+Garden of Eden, he was put there <i>ut operaretur eum</i>, that he might
+cultivate it; which shows that man was not born to be idle."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us work," said Martin, "without disputing; it is the only way to
+render life tolerable."</p>
+
+<p>The whole little society entered into this laudable design, according to
+their different abilities. Their little plot of land produced plentiful
+crops. Cunegonde was, indeed, very ugly, but she became an excellent
+pastry cook; Paquette worked at embroidery; the old woman looked after
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> linen. They were all, not excepting Friar Girofl&eacute;e, of some service
+or other; for he made a good joiner, and became a very honest man.</p>
+
+<p>Pangloss sometimes said to Candide:</p>
+
+<p>"There is a concatenation of events in this best of all possible worlds:
+for if you had not been kicked out of a magnificent castle for love of
+Miss Cunegonde: if you had not been put into the Inquisition: if you had
+not walked over America: if you had not stabbed the Baron: if you had
+not lost all your sheep from the fine country of El Dorado: you would
+not be here eating preserved citrons and pistachio-nuts."</p>
+
+<p>"All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our
+garden."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>FOOTNOTES:</h2>
+
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> P. 2. The name Pangloss is derived from two Greek words
+signifying "all" and "language."</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> P. 8. The Abares were a tribe of Tartars settled on the
+shores of the Danube, who later dwelt in part of Circassia.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> P. 15. Venereal disease was said to have been first brought
+from Hispaniola, in the West Indies, by some followers of Columbus who
+were later employed in the siege of Naples. From this latter
+circumstance it was at one time known as the Neapolitan disease.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> P. 19. The great earthquake of Lisbon happened on the first
+of November, 1755.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> P. 20. Such was the aversion of the Japanese to the
+Christian faith that they compelled Europeans trading with their islands
+to trample on the cross, renounce all marks of Christianity, and swear
+that it was not their religion. See chap. xi. of the voyage to Laputa in
+Swift's <i>Gulliver's Travels</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> P. 23. This <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i> actually took place, some months
+after the earthquake, on June 20, 1756.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> P. 23. The rejection of bacon convicting them, of course,
+of being Jews, and therefore fitting victims for an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> P. 24. The <i>San-benito</i> was a kind of loose over-garment
+painted with flames, figures of devils, the victim's own portrait, etc.,
+worn by persons condemned to death by the Inquisition when going to the
+stake on the occasion of an <i>auto-da-f&eacute;</i>. Those who expressed repentance
+for their errors wore a garment of the same kind covered with flames
+directed downwards, while<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> that worn by Jews, sorcerers, and renegades
+bore a St. Andrew's cross before and behind.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a> P. 26. "This Notre-Dame is of wood; every year she weeps on
+the day of her <i>f&ecirc;te</i>, and the people weep also. One day the preacher,
+seeing a carpenter with dry eyes, asked him how it was that he did not
+dissolve in tears when the Holy Virgin wept. 'Ah, my reverend father,'
+replied he, 'it is I who refastened her in her niche yesterday. I drove
+three great nails through her behind; it is then she would have wept if
+she had been able.'"&mdash;Voltaire, <i>M&eacute;langes</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> P. 42. The following posthumous note of Voltaire's was
+first added to M. Beuchot's edition of his works issued in 1829; "See
+the extreme discretion of the author; there has not been up to the
+present any Pope named Urban X.; he feared to give a bastard to a known
+Pope. What circumspection! What delicacy of conscience!" The last Pope
+Urban was the eighth, and he died in 1644.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a> P. 45. Muley-Ismael was Emperor of Morocco from 1672 to
+1727, and was a notoriously cruel tyrant.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> P. 47. "Oh, what a misfortune to be an eunuch!"</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> P. 48. Carlo Broschi, called Farinelli, an Italian singer,
+born at Naples in 1705, without being exactly Minister, governed Spain
+under Ferdinand VI.; he died in 1782. He has been made one of the chief
+persons in one of the comic operas of MM. Auber and Scribe.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> P. 53. Jean Robeck, a Swede, who was born in 1672, will be
+found mentioned in Rousseau's <i>Nouvelle H&eacute;lo&iuml;se</i>. He drowned himself in
+the Weser at Bremen in 1729, and was the author of a Latin treatise on
+voluntary death, first printed in 1735.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> P. 60. A spontoon was a kind of half-pike, a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> military
+weapon carried by officers of infantry and used as a medium for
+signalling orders to the regiment.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> P. 64. Later Voltaire substituted the name of the Father
+Croust for that of Didrie. Of Croust he said in the <i>Dictionnaire
+Philosophique</i> that he was "the most brutal of the Society."</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> P. 68. By the <i>Journal of Trevoux</i> Voltaire meant a
+critical periodical printed by the Jesuits at Trevoux under the title of
+<i>M&eacute;moires pour servir &agrave; l'Historie des Sciences et des Beaux-Arts</i>. It
+existed from 1701 until 1767, during which period its title underwent
+many changes.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a> P. 76. It has been suggested that Voltaire, in speaking of
+red sheep, referred to the llama, a South American ruminant allied to
+the camel. These animals are sometimes of a reddish colour, and were
+notable as pack-carriers and for their fleetness.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> P. 78. The first English translator curiously gives "a
+tourene of bouilli that weighed two hundred pounds," as the equivalent
+of "<i>un contour bouilli qui pesait deux cent livres</i>." The French editor
+of the 1869 reprint points out that the South American vulture, or
+condor, is meant; the name of this bird, it may be added, is taken from
+"<i>cuntur</i>," that given it by the aborigines.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_20_20" id="Footnote_20_20"></a><a href="#FNanchor_20_20"><span class="label">[20]</span></a> P. 90. Spanish half-crowns.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_21_21" id="Footnote_21_21"></a><a href="#FNanchor_21_21"><span class="label">[21]</span></a> P. 99. <i>Socinians</i>; followers of the teaching of Lalius
+and Faustus Socinus (16th century), which denied the doctrine of the
+Trinity, the deity of Christ, the personality of the devil, the native
+and total depravity of man, the vicarious atonement and eternal
+punishment. The Socinians are now represented by the Unitarians.
+<i>Manicheans</i>; followers of Manes or Manich&aelig;us (3rd century), a Persian
+who maintained that there are two principles, the one good and the other
+evil, each equally powerful in the government of the world.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p><div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_22_22" id="Footnote_22_22"></a><a href="#FNanchor_22_22"><span class="label">[22]</span></a> P. 107. In the 1759 editions, in place of the long passage
+in brackets from here to page 215, there was only the following: "'Sir,'
+said the Perigordian Abb&eacute; to him, 'have you noticed that young person
+who has so roguish a face and so fine a figure? You may have her for ten
+thousand francs a month, and fifty thousand crowns in diamonds.' 'I have
+only a day or two to give her,' answered Candide, 'because I have a
+rendezvous at Venice.' In the evening after supper the insinuating
+Perigordian redoubled his politeness and attentions."</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_23_23" id="Footnote_23_23"></a><a href="#FNanchor_23_23"><span class="label">[23]</span></a> P. 108. The play referred to is supposed to be "Le Comte
+d'Essex," by Thomas Corneille.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_24_24" id="Footnote_24_24"></a><a href="#FNanchor_24_24"><span class="label">[24]</span></a> P. 108. In France actors were at one time looked upon as
+excommunicated persons, not worthy of burial in holy ground or with
+Christian rites. In 1730 the "honours of sepulture" were refused to
+Mademoiselle Lecouvreur (doubtless the Miss Monime of this passage).
+Voltaire's miscellaneous works contain a paper on the matter.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_25_25" id="Footnote_25_25"></a><a href="#FNanchor_25_25"><span class="label">[25]</span></a> P. 109. &Eacute;lie-Catherine Fr&eacute;ron was a French critic
+(1719-1776) who incurred the enmity of Voltaire. In 1752 Fr&eacute;ron, in
+<i>Lettres sur quelques &eacute;crits du temps</i>, wrote pointedly of Voltaire as
+one who chose to be all things to all men, and Voltaire retaliated by
+references such as these in <i>Candide</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_26_26" id="Footnote_26_26"></a><a href="#FNanchor_26_26"><span class="label">[26]</span></a> P. 111. Gabriel Gauchat (1709-1779), French ecclesiastical
+writer, was author of a number of works on religious subjects.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_27_27" id="Footnote_27_27"></a><a href="#FNanchor_27_27"><span class="label">[27]</span></a> P. 112. Nicholas Charles Joseph Trublet (1697-1770) was a
+French writer whose criticism of Voltaire was revenged in passages such
+as this one in <i>Candide</i>, and one in the <i>Pauvre Diable</i> beginning:</p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="i0">L'abb&eacute; Trublet avait alors le rage<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">D'&ecirc;tre &agrave; Paris un petit personage.<br /></span>
+</p></div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p><div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_28_28" id="Footnote_28_28"></a><a href="#FNanchor_28_28"><span class="label">[28]</span></a> P. 120. Damiens, who attempted the life of Louis XV. in
+1757, was born at Arras, capital of Artois (Atr&eacute;batie).</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_29_29" id="Footnote_29_29"></a><a href="#FNanchor_29_29"><span class="label">[29]</span></a> P. 120. On May 14, 1610, Ravaillac assassinated Henry VI.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_30_30" id="Footnote_30_30"></a><a href="#FNanchor_30_30"><span class="label">[30]</span></a> P. 120. On December 27, 1594, Jean Ch&acirc;tel attempted to
+assassinate Henry IV.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_31_31" id="Footnote_31_31"></a><a href="#FNanchor_31_31"><span class="label">[31]</span></a> P. 122. This same curiously inept criticism of the war
+which cost France her American provinces occurs in Voltaire's <i>Memoirs</i>,
+wherein he says, "In 1756 England made a piratical war upon France for
+some acres of snow." See also his <i>Pr&eacute;cis du Si&egrave;cle de Louis</i> XV.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_32_32" id="Footnote_32_32"></a><a href="#FNanchor_32_32"><span class="label">[32]</span></a> P. 123. Admiral Byng was shot on March 14, 1757.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_33_33" id="Footnote_33_33"></a><a href="#FNanchor_33_33"><span class="label">[33]</span></a> P. 129. Commenting upon this passage, M. Sarcey says
+admirably: "All is there! In those ten lines Voltaire has gathered all
+the griefs and all the terrors of these creatures; the picture is
+admirable for its truth and power! But do you not feel the pity and
+sympathy of the painter? Here irony becomes sad, and in a way an
+avenger. Voltaire cries out with horror against the society which throws
+some of its members into such an abyss. He has his 'Bartholomew' fever;
+we tremble with him through contagion."</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_34_34" id="Footnote_34_34"></a><a href="#FNanchor_34_34"><span class="label">[34]</span></a> P. 142. The following particulars of the six monarchs may
+prove not uninteresting. Achmet III. (<i>b.</i> 1673, <i>d.</i> 1739) was
+dethroned in 1730. Ivan VI. (<i>b.</i> 1740, <i>d.</i> 1762) was dethroned in
+1741. Charles Edward Stuart, the Pretender (<i>b.</i> 1720, <i>d.</i> 1788).
+Auguste III. (<i>b.</i> 1696, <i>d.</i> 1763). Stanislaus (<i>b.</i> 1682, <i>d.</i> 1766).
+Theodore (<i>b.</i> 1690, <i>d.</i> 1755). It will be observed that, although
+quite impossible for the six kings ever to have met, five of them might
+have been made to do so without any anachronism.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_35_35" id="Footnote_35_35"></a><a href="#FNanchor_35_35"><span class="label">[35]</span></a> P. 149. Fran&ccedil;ois Leopold Ragotsky (1676-1735).</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="bbox">
+<h3><a name="TN" id="TN"></a>Typographical errors corrected in text:</h3>
+
+<p><a href="#Page_xiv">Page xiv</a>: Chapter XIII heading in Table of Contents amended to match chapter heading on <a href="#Page_54">page 54</a>.</p>
+
+<p><a href="#Page_2">Page 2</a>: metaphysicotheo-logico-cosmolo-nigology amended to metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology.</p>
+
+<p><a href="#Page_158">Page 158</a>: Liebnitz amended to Leibnitz.</p>
+
+<p><a href="#Page_168">Page 168</a>: perserved amended to preserved.</p>
+
+<p><a href="#Page_172">Page 172</a>: rougish amended to roguish; crows amended to crowns.</p>
+
+<p>Where there is an equal number of instances of a word
+being hyphenated and unhyphenated, both versions of the word have been retained: dung-hill/dunghill;
+and new-comers/newcomers.</p>
+
+<p>A single footnote on <a href="#Page_90">page 90</a> has been moved to the endnotes, and the notes numbers re-indexed. A page
+reference was added to the moved footnote to match the format of other endnotes.</p>
+
+<p>Modern Library blurb: "mail complete list of titles" left as is.</p>
+
+
+<p>There are two instances of Massa Carara (<a href="#Page_43">pp. 43</a> and <a href="#Page_45">45</a>) and one instance of Massa-Carrara (<a href="#Page_ix">page ix</a>). As this latter is in the Introduction, i.e. distinct from the book proper, it has been retained.</p>
+
+<p>The  different spellings of Cunégonde (which occurs only in the Introduction (<a href="#Page_viii">page viii</a>)) and Robeck (which occurs in the Notes [<a href="#Page_170">p. 170</a>]; spelt Robek in the text [<a href="#Page_53">p. 53</a>]) have been retained for the same reason.</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
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+<pre>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Candide, by Voltaire
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Candide
+
+Author: Voltaire
+
+Commentator: Philip Littell
+
+Release Date: November 27, 2006 [EBook #19942]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CANDIDE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chuck Greif, Fox in the Stars and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Transcriber's Note:                                        |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Obvious typographical errors have been corrected in        |
+    | this text. For a complete list, please see the bottom of   |
+    | this document.                                             |
+    |                                                            |
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+THE MODERN LIBRARY
+
+OF THE WORLD'S BEST BOOKS
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDE BY VOLTAIRE
+
+
+     The Publishers will be glad to mail complete list of titles
+     in the Modern Library. The list is representative of the
+     Great Moderns and is one of the most important contributions
+     to publishing that has been made for many years. Every
+     reader of books will find titles he needs at a low price in
+     an attractive form.
+
+
+[Illustration: Voltaire.]
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDE
+
+BY VOLTAIRE
+
+INTRODUCTION BY PHILIP LITTELL
+
+BONI AND LIVERIGHT, INC.
+
+PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
+
+Copyright, 1918, by
+BONI & LIVERIGHT, INC.
+
+Printed in the United States of America
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+Ever since 1759, when Voltaire wrote "Candide" in ridicule of the notion
+that this is the best of all possible worlds, this world has been a
+gayer place for readers. Voltaire wrote it in three days, and five or
+six generations have found that its laughter does not grow old.
+
+"Candide" has not aged. Yet how different the book would have looked if
+Voltaire had written it a hundred and fifty years later than 1759. It
+would have been, among other things, a book of sights and sounds. A
+modern writer would have tried to catch and fix in words some of those
+Atlantic changes which broke the Atlantic monotony of that voyage from
+Cadiz to Buenos Ayres. When Martin and Candide were sailing the length
+of the Mediterranean we should have had a contrast between naked scarped
+Balearic cliffs and headlands of Calabria in their mists. We should have
+had quarter distances, far horizons, the altering silhouettes of an
+Ionian island. Colored birds would have filled Paraguay with their
+silver or acid cries.
+
+Dr. Pangloss, to prove the existence of design in the universe, says
+that noses were made to carry spectacles, and so we have spectacles. A
+modern satirist would not try to paint with Voltaire's quick brush the
+doctrine that he wanted to expose. And he would choose a more
+complicated doctrine than Dr. Pangloss's optimism, would study it more
+closely, feel his destructive way about it with a more learned and
+caressing malice. His attack, stealthier, more flexible and more patient
+than Voltaire's, would call upon us, especially when his learning got a
+little out of control, to be more than patient. Now and then he would
+bore us. "Candide" never bored anybody except William Wordsworth.
+
+Voltaire's men and women point his case against optimism by starting
+high and falling low. A modern could not go about it after this fashion.
+He would not plunge his people into an unfamiliar misery. He would just
+keep them in the misery they were born to.
+
+But such an account of Voltaire's procedure is as misleading as the
+plaster cast of a dance. Look at his procedure again. Mademoiselle
+Cunegonde, the illustrious Westphalian, sprung from a family that could
+prove seventy-one quarterings, descends and descends until we find her
+earning her keep by washing dishes in the Propontis. The aged faithful
+attendant, victim of a hundred acts of rape by negro pirates, remembers
+that she is the daughter of a pope, and that in honor of her
+approaching marriage with a Prince of Massa-Carrara all Italy wrote
+sonnets of which not one was passable. We do not need to know French
+literature before Voltaire in order to feel, although the lurking parody
+may escape us, that he is poking fun at us and at himself. His laughter
+at his own methods grows more unmistakable at the last, when he
+caricatures them by casually assembling six fallen monarchs in an inn at
+Venice.
+
+A modern assailant of optimism would arm himself with social pity. There
+is no social pity in "Candide." Voltaire, whose light touch on familiar
+institutions opens them and reveals their absurdity, likes to remind us
+that the slaughter and pillage and murder which Candide witnessed among
+the Bulgarians was perfectly regular, having been conducted according to
+the laws and usages of war. Had Voltaire lived to-day he would have done
+to poverty what he did to war. Pitying the poor, he would have shown us
+poverty as a ridiculous anachronism, and both the ridicule and the pity
+would have expressed his indignation.
+
+Almost any modern, essaying a philosophic tale, would make it long.
+"Candide" is only a "Hamlet" and a half long. It would hardly have been
+shorter if Voltaire had spent three months on it, instead of those three
+days. A conciseness to be matched in English by nobody except Pope, who
+can say a plagiarizing enemy "steals much, spends little, and has
+nothing left," a conciseness which Pope toiled and sweated for, came as
+easy as wit to Voltaire. He can afford to be witty, parenthetically, by
+the way, prodigally, without saving, because he knows there is more wit
+where that came from.
+
+One of Max Beerbohm's cartoons shows us the young Twentieth Century
+going at top speed, and watched by two of his predecessors. Underneath
+is this legend: "The Grave Misgivings of the Nineteenth Century, and the
+Wicked Amusement of the Eighteenth, in Watching the Progress (or
+whatever it is) of the Twentieth." This Eighteenth Century snuff-taking
+and malicious, is like Voltaire, who nevertheless must know, if he
+happens to think of it, that not yet in the Twentieth Century, not for
+all its speed mania, has any one come near to equalling the speed of a
+prose tale by Voltaire. "Candide" is a full book. It is filled with
+mockery, with inventiveness, with things as concrete as things to eat
+and coins, it has time for the neatest intellectual clickings, it is
+never hurried, and it moves with the most amazing rapidity. It has the
+rapidity of high spirits playing a game. The dry high spirits of this
+destroyer of optimism make most optimists look damp and depressed.
+Contemplation of the stupidity which deems happiness possible almost
+made Voltaire happy. His attack on optimism is one of the gayest books
+in the world. Gaiety has been scattered everywhere up and down its pages
+by Voltaire's lavish hand, by his thin fingers.
+
+Many propagandist satirical books have been written with "Candide" in
+mind, but not too many. To-day, especially, when new faiths are changing
+the structure of the world, faiths which are still plastic enough to be
+deformed by every disciple, each disciple for himself, and which have
+not yet received the final deformation known as universal acceptance,
+to-day "Candide" is an inspiration to every narrative satirist who hates
+one of these new faiths, or hates every interpretation of it but his
+own. Either hatred will serve as a motive to satire.
+
+That is why the present is one of the right moments to republish
+"Candide." I hope it will inspire younger men and women, the only ones
+who can be inspired, to have a try at Theodore, or Militarism; Jane, or
+Pacifism; at So-and-So, the Pragmatist or the Freudian. And I hope, too,
+that they will without trying hold their pens with an eighteenth century
+lightness, not inappropriate to a philosophic tale. In Voltaire's
+fingers, as Anatole France has said, the pen runs and laughs. PHILIP
+LITTELL.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+CHAPTER                                                       PAGE
+
+     I. How Candide was brought up in a
+        Magnificent Castle, and how he was
+        expelled thence                                          1
+
+    II. What became of Candide among the
+        Bulgarians                                               5
+
+   III. How Candide made his escape from the
+        Bulgarians, and what afterwards became
+        of him                                                   9
+
+    IV. How Candide found his old Master
+        Pangloss, and what happened to them                     13
+
+     V. Tempest, Shipwreck, Earthquake, and
+        what became of Doctor Pangloss,
+        Candide, and James the Anabaptist                       18
+
+    VI. How the Portuguese made a Beautiful
+        Auto-da-fe, to prevent any further
+        Earthquakes: and how Candide was
+        publicly whipped                                        23
+
+   VII. How the Old Woman took care of
+        Candide, and how he found the Object
+        he loved                                                26
+
+  VIII. The History of Cunegonde                                30
+
+    IX. What became of Cunegonde, Candide,
+        the Grand Inquisitor, and the Jew                       35
+
+     X. In what distress Candide, Cunegonde,
+        and the Old Woman arrived at
+        Cadiz; and of their Embarkation                         38
+
+    XI. History of the Old Woman                                42
+
+   XII. The Adventures of the Old Woman
+        continued                                               48
+
+  XIII. How Candide was forced away from his
+        fair Cunegonde and the Old Woman                        54
+
+   XIV. How Candide and Cacambo were received
+        by the Jesuits of Paraguay                              58
+
+    XV. How Candide killed the brother of his
+        dear Cunegonde                                          64
+
+   XVI. Adventures of the Two Travellers,
+        with Two Girls, Two Monkeys, and
+        the Savages called Oreillons                            68
+
+  XVII. Arrival of Candide and his Valet at El
+        Dorado, and what they saw there                         74
+
+ XVIII. What they saw in the Country of El
+        Dorado                                                  80
+
+   XIX. What happened to them at Surinam and
+        how Candide got acquainted with
+        Martin                                                  89
+
+    XX. What happened at Sea to Candide and
+        Martin                                                  98
+
+   XXI. Candide and Martin, reasoning, draw
+        near the Coast of France                               102
+
+  XXII. What happened in France to Candide
+        and Martin                                             105
+
+ XXIII. Candide and Martin touched upon the
+        Coast of England, and what they saw
+        there                                                  122
+
+  XXIV. Of Paquette and Friar Giroflee                         125
+
+   XXV. The Visit to Lord Pococurante, a
+        Noble Venetian                                         133
+
+  XXVI. Of a Supper which Candide and Martin
+        took with Six Strangers, and who
+        they were                                              142
+
+ XXVII. Candide's Voyage to Constantinople                     148
+
+XXVIII. What happened to Candide, Cunegonde,
+        Pangloss, Martin, etc.                                 154
+
+  XXIX. How Candide found Cunegonde and
+        the Old Woman again                                    159
+
+   XXX. The Conclusion                                         161
+
+
+[Illustration: VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE]
+
+
+
+
+CANDIDE
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+HOW CANDIDE WAS BROUGHT UP IN A MAGNIFICENT CASTLE, AND HOW HE WAS
+EXPELLED THENCE.
+
+
+In a castle of Westphalia, belonging to the Baron of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, lived a youth, whom nature had endowed with the
+most gentle manners. His countenance was a true picture of his soul. He
+combined a true judgment with simplicity of spirit, which was the
+reason, I apprehend, of his being called Candide. The old servants of
+the family suspected him to have been the son of the Baron's sister, by
+a good, honest gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady would
+never marry because he had been able to prove only seventy-one
+quarterings, the rest of his genealogical tree having been lost through
+the injuries of time.
+
+The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his
+castle had not only a gate, but windows. His great hall, even, was hung
+with tapestry. All the dogs of his farm-yards formed a pack of hounds at
+need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curate of the village was
+his grand almoner. They called him "My Lord," and laughed at all his
+stories.
+
+The Baron's lady weighed about three hundred and fifty pounds, and was
+therefore a person of great consideration, and she did the honours of
+the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect. Her
+daughter Cunegonde was seventeen years of age, fresh-coloured, comely,
+plump, and desirable. The Baron's son seemed to be in every respect
+worthy of his father. The Preceptor Pangloss[1] was the oracle of the
+family, and little Candide heard his lessons with all the good faith of
+his age and character.
+
+Pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology. He
+proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause, and that, in
+this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most
+magnificent of castles, and his lady the best of all possible
+Baronesses.
+
+"It is demonstrable," said he, "that things cannot be otherwise than as
+they are; for all being created for an end, all is necessarily for the
+best end. Observe, that the nose has been formed to bear
+spectacles--thus we have spectacles. Legs are visibly designed for
+stockings--and we have stockings. Stones were made to be hewn, and to
+construct castles--therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for the
+greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were
+made to be eaten--therefore we eat pork all the year round. Consequently
+they who assert that all is well have said a foolish thing, they should
+have said all is for the best."
+
+Candide listened attentively and believed innocently; for he thought
+Miss Cunegonde extremely beautiful, though he never had the courage to
+tell her so. He concluded that after the happiness of being born of
+Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh, the second degree of happiness was to be
+Miss Cunegonde, the third that of seeing her every day, and the fourth
+that of hearing Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole
+province, and consequently of the whole world.
+
+One day Cunegonde, while walking near the castle, in a little wood which
+they called a park, saw between the bushes, Dr. Pangloss giving a lesson
+in experimental natural philosophy to her mother's chamber-maid, a
+little brown wench, very pretty and very docile. As Miss Cunegonde had a
+great disposition for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the
+repeated experiments of which she was a witness; she clearly perceived
+the force of the Doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes; she
+turned back greatly flurried, quite pensive, and filled with the desire
+to be learned; dreaming that she might well be a _sufficient reason_ for
+young Candide, and he for her.
+
+She met Candide on reaching the castle and blushed; Candide blushed
+also; she wished him good morrow in a faltering tone, and Candide spoke
+to her without knowing what he said. The next day after dinner, as they
+went from table, Cunegonde and Candide found themselves behind a screen;
+Cunegonde let fall her handkerchief, Candide picked it up, she took him
+innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young lady's
+hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met,
+their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. Baron
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh passed near the screen and beholding this cause and
+effect chased Candide from the castle with great kicks on the backside;
+Cunegonde fainted away; she was boxed on the ears by the Baroness, as
+soon as she came to herself; and all was consternation in this most
+magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+WHAT BECAME OF CANDIDE AMONG THE BULGARIANS.
+
+
+Candide, driven from terrestrial paradise, walked a long while without
+knowing where, weeping, raising his eyes to heaven, turning them often
+towards the most magnificent of castles which imprisoned the purest of
+noble young ladies. He lay down to sleep without supper, in the middle
+of a field between two furrows. The snow fell in large flakes. Next day
+Candide, all benumbed, dragged himself towards the neighbouring town
+which was called Waldberghofftrarbk-dikdorff, having no money, dying of
+hunger and fatigue, he stopped sorrowfully at the door of an inn. Two
+men dressed in blue observed him.
+
+"Comrade," said one, "here is a well-built young fellow, and of proper
+height."
+
+They went up to Candide and very civilly invited him to dinner.
+
+"Gentlemen," replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, "you do me
+great honour, but I have not wherewithal to pay my share."
+
+"Oh, sir," said one of the blues to him, "people of your appearance and
+of your merit never pay anything: are you not five feet five inches
+high?"
+
+"Yes, sir, that is my height," answered he, making a low bow.
+
+"Come, sir, seat yourself; not only will we pay your reckoning, but we
+will never suffer such a man as you to want money; men are only born to
+assist one another."
+
+"You are right," said Candide; "this is what I was always taught by Mr.
+Pangloss, and I see plainly that all is for the best."
+
+They begged of him to accept a few crowns. He took them, and wished to
+give them his note; they refused; they seated themselves at table.
+
+"Love you not deeply?"
+
+"Oh yes," answered he; "I deeply love Miss Cunegonde."
+
+"No," said one of the gentlemen, "we ask you if you do not deeply love
+the King of the Bulgarians?"
+
+"Not at all," said he; "for I have never seen him."
+
+"What! he is the best of kings, and we must drink his health."
+
+"Oh! very willingly, gentlemen," and he drank.
+
+"That is enough," they tell him. "Now you are the help, the support,
+the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians. Your fortune is made, and your
+glory is assured."
+
+Instantly they fettered him, and carried him away to the regiment. There
+he was made to wheel about to the right, and to the left, to draw his
+rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they
+gave him thirty blows with a cudgel. The next day he did his exercise a
+little less badly, and he received but twenty blows. The day following
+they gave him only ten, and he was regarded by his comrades as a
+prodigy.
+
+Candide, all stupefied, could not yet very well realise how he was a
+hero. He resolved one fine day in spring to go for a walk, marching
+straight before him, believing that it was a privilege of the human as
+well as of the animal species to make use of their legs as they pleased.
+He had advanced two leagues when he was overtaken by four others, heroes
+of six feet, who bound him and carried him to a dungeon. He was asked
+which he would like the best, to be whipped six-and-thirty times through
+all the regiment, or to receive at once twelve balls of lead in his
+brain. He vainly said that human will is free, and that he chose neither
+the one nor the other. He was forced to make a choice; he determined, in
+virtue of that gift of God called liberty, to run the gauntlet
+six-and-thirty times. He bore this twice. The regiment was composed of
+two thousand men; that composed for him four thousand strokes, which
+laid bare all his muscles and nerves, from the nape of his neck quite
+down to his rump. As they were going to proceed to a third whipping,
+Candide, able to bear no more, begged as a favour that they would be so
+good as to shoot him. He obtained this favour; they bandaged his eyes,
+and bade him kneel down. The King of the Bulgarians passed at this
+moment and ascertained the nature of the crime. As he had great talent,
+he understood from all that he learnt of Candide that he was a young
+metaphysician, extremely ignorant of the things of this world, and he
+accorded him his pardon with a clemency which will bring him praise in
+all the journals, and throughout all ages.
+
+An able surgeon cured Candide in three weeks by means of emollients
+taught by Dioscorides. He had already a little skin, and was able to
+march when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the
+Abares.[2]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+HOW CANDIDE MADE HIS ESCAPE FROM THE BULGARIANS, AND WHAT AFTERWARDS
+BECAME OF HIM.
+
+
+There was never anything so gallant, so spruce, so brilliant, and so
+well disposed as the two armies. Trumpets, fifes, hautboys, drums, and
+cannon made music such as Hell itself had never heard. The cannons first
+of all laid flat about six thousand men on each side; the muskets swept
+away from this best of worlds nine or ten thousand ruffians who infested
+its surface. The bayonet was also a _sufficient reason_ for the death of
+several thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand souls.
+Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he
+could during this heroic butchery.
+
+At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deum to be sung each in
+his own camp, Candide resolved to go and reason elsewhere on effects and
+causes. He passed over heaps of dead and dying, and first reached a
+neighbouring village; it was in cinders, it was an Abare village which
+the Bulgarians had burnt according to the laws of war. Here, old men
+covered with wounds, beheld their wives, hugging their children to their
+bloody breasts, massacred before their faces; there, their daughters,
+disembowelled and breathing their last after having satisfied the
+natural wants of Bulgarian heroes; while others, half burnt in the
+flames, begged to be despatched. The earth was strewed with brains,
+arms, and legs.
+
+Candide fled quickly to another village; it belonged to the Bulgarians;
+and the Abarian heroes had treated it in the same way. Candide, walking
+always over palpitating limbs or across ruins, arrived at last beyond
+the seat of war, with a few provisions in his knapsack, and Miss
+Cunegonde always in his heart. His provisions failed him when he arrived
+in Holland; but having heard that everybody was rich in that country,
+and that they were Christians, he did not doubt but he should meet with
+the same treatment from them as he had met with in the Baron's castle,
+before Miss Cunegonde's bright eyes were the cause of his expulsion
+thence.
+
+He asked alms of several grave-looking people, who all answered him,
+that if he continued to follow this trade they would confine him to the
+house of correction, where he should be taught to get a living.
+
+The next he addressed was a man who had been haranguing a large assembly
+for a whole hour on the subject of charity. But the orator, looking
+askew, said:
+
+"What are you doing here? Are you for the good cause?"
+
+"There can be no effect without a cause," modestly answered Candide;
+"the whole is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was
+necessary for me to have been banished from the presence of Miss
+Cunegonde, to have afterwards run the gauntlet, and now it is necessary
+I should beg my bread until I learn to earn it; all this cannot be
+otherwise."
+
+"My friend," said the orator to him, "do you believe the Pope to be
+Anti-Christ?"
+
+"I have not heard it," answered Candide; "but whether he be, or whether
+he be not, I want bread."
+
+"Thou dost not deserve to eat," said the other. "Begone, rogue; begone,
+wretch; do not come near me again."
+
+The orator's wife, putting her head out of the window, and spying a man
+that doubted whether the Pope was Anti-Christ, poured over him a
+full.... Oh, heavens! to what excess does religious zeal carry the
+ladies.
+
+A man who had never been christened, a good Anabaptist, named James,
+beheld the cruel and ignominious treatment shown to one of his
+brethren, an unfeathered biped with a rational soul, he took him home,
+cleaned him, gave him bread and beer, presented him with two florins,
+and even wished to teach him the manufacture of Persian stuffs which
+they make in Holland. Candide, almost prostrating himself before him,
+cried:
+
+"Master Pangloss has well said that all is for the best in this world,
+for I am infinitely more touched by your extreme generosity than with
+the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black coat and his lady."
+
+The next day, as he took a walk, he met a beggar all covered with scabs,
+his eyes diseased, the end of his nose eaten away, his mouth distorted,
+his teeth black, choking in his throat, tormented with a violent cough,
+and spitting out a tooth at each effort.
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+HOW CANDIDE FOUND HIS OLD MASTER PANGLOSS, AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.
+
+
+Candide, yet more moved with compassion than with horror, gave to this
+shocking beggar the two florins which he had received from the honest
+Anabaptist James. The spectre looked at him very earnestly, dropped a
+few tears, and fell upon his neck. Candide recoiled in disgust.
+
+"Alas!" said one wretch to the other, "do you no longer know your dear
+Pangloss?"
+
+"What do I hear? You, my dear master! you in this terrible plight! What
+misfortune has happened to you? Why are you no longer in the most
+magnificent of castles? What has become of Miss Cunegonde, the pearl of
+girls, and nature's masterpiece?"
+
+"I am so weak that I cannot stand," said Pangloss.
+
+Upon which Candide carried him to the Anabaptist's stable, and gave him
+a crust of bread. As soon as Pangloss had refreshed himself a little:
+
+"Well," said Candide, "Cunegonde?"
+
+"She is dead," replied the other.
+
+Candide fainted at this word; his friend recalled his senses with a
+little bad vinegar which he found by chance in the stable. Candide
+reopened his eyes.
+
+"Cunegonde is dead! Ah, best of worlds, where art thou? But of what
+illness did she die? Was it not for grief, upon seeing her father kick
+me out of his magnificent castle?"
+
+"No," said Pangloss, "she was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers,
+after having been violated by many; they broke the Baron's head for
+attempting to defend her; my lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my
+poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as for
+the castle, they have not left one stone upon another, not a barn, nor a
+sheep, nor a duck, nor a tree; but we have had our revenge, for the
+Abares have done the very same thing to a neighbouring barony, which
+belonged to a Bulgarian lord."
+
+At this discourse Candide fainted again; but coming to himself, and
+having said all that it became him to say, inquired into the cause and
+effect, as well as into the _sufficient reason_ that had reduced
+Pangloss to so miserable a plight.
+
+"Alas!" said the other, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human
+species, the preserver of the universe, the soul of all sensible beings,
+love, tender love."
+
+"Alas!" said Candide, "I know this love, that sovereign of hearts, that
+soul of our souls; yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty
+kicks on the backside. How could this beautiful cause produce in you an
+effect so abominable?"
+
+Pangloss made answer in these terms: "Oh, my dear Candide, you remember
+Paquette, that pretty wench who waited on our noble Baroness; in her
+arms I tasted the delights of paradise, which produced in me those hell
+torments with which you see me devoured; she was infected with them, she
+is perhaps dead of them. This present Paquette received of a learned
+Grey Friar, who had traced it to its source; he had had it of an old
+countess, who had received it from a cavalry captain, who owed it to a
+marchioness, who took it from a page, who had received it from a Jesuit,
+who when a novice had it in a direct line from one of the companions of
+Christopher Columbus.[3] For my part I shall give it to nobody, I am
+dying."
+
+"Oh, Pangloss!" cried Candide, "what a strange genealogy! Is not the
+Devil the original stock of it?"
+
+"Not at all," replied this great man, "it was a thing unavoidable, a
+necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had not in
+an island of America caught this disease, which contaminates the source
+of life, frequently even hinders generation, and which is evidently
+opposed to the great end of nature, we should have neither chocolate nor
+cochineal. We are also to observe that upon our continent, this
+distemper is like religious controversy, confined to a particular spot.
+The Turks, the Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, the
+Japanese, know nothing of it; but there is a sufficient reason for
+believing that they will know it in their turn in a few centuries. In
+the meantime, it has made marvellous progress among us, especially in
+those great armies composed of honest well-disciplined hirelings, who
+decide the destiny of states; for we may safely affirm that when an army
+of thirty thousand men fights another of an equal number, there are
+about twenty thousand of them p-x-d on each side."
+
+"Well, this is wonderful!" said Candide, "but you must get cured."
+
+"Alas! how can I?" said Pangloss, "I have not a farthing, my friend, and
+all over the globe there is no letting of blood or taking a glister,
+without paying, or somebody paying for you."
+
+These last words determined Candide; he went and flung himself at the
+feet of the charitable Anabaptist James, and gave him so touching a
+picture of the state to which his friend was reduced, that the good man
+did not scruple to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and had him cured
+at his expense. In the cure Pangloss lost only an eye and an ear. He
+wrote well, and knew arithmetic perfectly. The Anabaptist James made him
+his bookkeeper. At the end of two months, being obliged to go to Lisbon
+about some mercantile affairs, he took the two philosophers with him in
+his ship. Pangloss explained to him how everything was so constituted
+that it could not be better. James was not of this opinion.
+
+"It is more likely," said he, "mankind have a little corrupted nature,
+for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves; God has
+given them neither cannon of four-and-twenty pounders, nor bayonets; and
+yet they have made cannon and bayonets to destroy one another. Into this
+account I might throw not only bankrupts, but Justice which seizes on
+the effects of bankrupts to cheat the creditors."
+
+"All this was indispensable," replied the one-eyed doctor, "for private
+misfortunes make the general good, so that the more private misfortunes
+there are the greater is the general good."
+
+While he reasoned, the sky darkened, the winds blew from the four
+quarters, and the ship was assailed by a most terrible tempest within
+sight of the port of Lisbon.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+TEMPEST, SHIPWRECK, EARTHQUAKE, AND WHAT BECAME OF DOCTOR PANGLOSS,
+CANDIDE, AND JAMES THE ANABAPTIST.
+
+
+Half dead of that inconceivable anguish which the rolling of a ship
+produces, one-half of the passengers were not even sensible of the
+danger. The other half shrieked and prayed. The sheets were rent, the
+masts broken, the vessel gaped. Work who would, no one heard, no one
+commanded. The Anabaptist being upon deck bore a hand; when a brutish
+sailor struck him roughly and laid him sprawling; but with the violence
+of the blow he himself tumbled head foremost overboard, and stuck upon a
+piece of the broken mast. Honest James ran to his assistance, hauled him
+up, and from the effort he made was precipitated into the sea in sight
+of the sailor, who left him to perish, without deigning to look at him.
+Candide drew near and saw his benefactor, who rose above the water one
+moment and was then swallowed up for ever. He was just going to jump
+after him, but was prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who
+demonstrated to him that the Bay of Lisbon had been made on purpose for
+the Anabaptist to be drowned. While he was proving this _a priori_, the
+ship foundered; all perished except Pangloss, Candide, and that brutal
+sailor who had drowned the good Anabaptist. The villain swam safely to
+the shore, while Pangloss and Candide were borne thither upon a plank.
+
+As soon as they recovered themselves a little they walked toward Lisbon.
+They had some money left, with which they hoped to save themselves from
+starving, after they had escaped drowning. Scarcely had they reached the
+city, lamenting the death of their benefactor, when they felt the earth
+tremble under their feet. The sea swelled and foamed in the harbour, and
+beat to pieces the vessels riding at anchor. Whirlwinds of fire and
+ashes covered the streets and public places; houses fell, roofs were
+flung upon the pavements, and the pavements were scattered. Thirty
+thousand inhabitants of all ages and sexes were crushed under the
+ruins.[4] The sailor, whistling and swearing, said there was booty to be
+gained here.
+
+"What can be the _sufficient reason_ of this phenomenon?" said Pangloss.
+
+"This is the Last Day!" cried Candide.
+
+The sailor ran among the ruins, facing death to find money; finding it,
+he took it, got drunk, and having slept himself sober, purchased the
+favours of the first good-natured wench whom he met on the ruins of the
+destroyed houses, and in the midst of the dying and the dead. Pangloss
+pulled him by the sleeve.
+
+"My friend," said he, "this is not right. You sin against the _universal
+reason_; you choose your time badly."
+
+"S'blood and fury!" answered the other; "I am a sailor and born at
+Batavia. Four times have I trampled upon the crucifix in four voyages to
+Japan[5]; a fig for thy universal reason."
+
+Some falling stones had wounded Candide. He lay stretched in the street
+covered with rubbish.
+
+"Alas!" said he to Pangloss, "get me a little wine and oil; I am dying."
+
+"This concussion of the earth is no new thing," answered Pangloss. "The
+city of Lima, in America, experienced the same convulsions last year;
+the same cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur
+under ground from Lima to Lisbon."
+
+"Nothing more probable," said Candide; "but for the love of God a little
+oil and wine."
+
+"How, probable?" replied the philosopher. "I maintain that the point is
+capable of being demonstrated."
+
+Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water from a
+neighbouring fountain. The following day they rummaged among the ruins
+and found provisions, with which they repaired their exhausted strength.
+After this they joined with others in relieving those inhabitants who
+had escaped death. Some, whom they had succoured, gave them as good a
+dinner as they could in such disastrous circumstances; true, the repast
+was mournful, and the company moistened their bread with tears; but
+Pangloss consoled them, assuring them that things could not be
+otherwise.
+
+"For," said he, "all that is is for the best. If there is a volcano at
+Lisbon it cannot be elsewhere. It is impossible that things should be
+other than they are; for everything is right."
+
+A little man dressed in black, Familiar of the Inquisition, who sat by
+him, politely took up his word and said:
+
+"Apparently, then, sir, you do not believe in original sin; for if all
+is for the best there has then been neither Fall nor punishment."
+
+"I humbly ask your Excellency's pardon," answered Pangloss, still more
+politely; "for the Fall and curse of man necessarily entered into the
+system of the best of worlds."
+
+"Sir," said the Familiar, "you do not then believe in liberty?"
+
+"Your Excellency will excuse me," said Pangloss; "liberty is consistent
+with absolute necessity, for it was necessary we should be free; for, in
+short, the determinate will----"
+
+Pangloss was in the middle of his sentence, when the Familiar beckoned
+to his footman, who gave him a glass of wine from Porto or Opporto.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+HOW THE PORTUGUESE MADE A BEAUTIFUL AUTO-DA-FE, TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER
+EARTHQUAKES; AND HOW CANDIDE WAS PUBLICLY WHIPPED.
+
+
+After the earthquake had destroyed three-fourths of Lisbon, the sages of
+that country could think of no means more effectual to prevent utter
+ruin than to give the people a beautiful _auto-da-fe_[6]; for it had
+been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the burning of a few
+people alive by a slow fire, and with great ceremony, is an infallible
+secret to hinder the earth from quaking.
+
+In consequence hereof, they had seized on a Biscayner, convicted of
+having married his godmother, and on two Portuguese, for rejecting the
+bacon which larded a chicken they were eating[7]; after dinner, they
+came and secured Dr. Pangloss, and his disciple Candide, the one for
+speaking his mind, the other for having listened with an air of
+approbation. They were conducted to separate apartments, extremely cold,
+as they were never incommoded by the sun. Eight days after they were
+dressed in _san-benitos_[8] and their heads ornamented with paper
+mitres. The mitre and _san-benito_ belonging to Candide were painted
+with reversed flames and with devils that had neither tails nor claws;
+but Pangloss's devils had claws and tails and the flames were upright.
+They marched in procession thus habited and heard a very pathetic
+sermon, followed by fine church music. Candide was whipped in cadence
+while they were singing; the Biscayner, and the two men who had refused
+to eat bacon, were burnt; and Pangloss was hanged, though that was not
+the custom. The same day the earth sustained a most violent concussion.
+
+Candide, terrified, amazed, desperate, all bloody, all palpitating, said
+to himself:
+
+"If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others? Well,
+if I had been only whipped I could put up with it, for I experienced
+that among the Bulgarians; but oh, my dear Pangloss! thou greatest of
+philosophers, that I should have seen you hanged, without knowing for
+what! Oh, my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that thou should'st have
+been drowned in the very harbour! Oh, Miss Cunegonde, thou pearl of
+girls! that thou should'st have had thy belly ripped open!"
+
+Thus he was musing, scarce able to stand, preached at, whipped,
+absolved, and blessed, when an old woman accosted him saying:
+
+"My son, take courage and follow me."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+HOW THE OLD WOMAN TOOK CARE OF CANDIDE, AND HOW HE FOUND THE OBJECT HE
+LOVED.
+
+
+Candide did not take courage, but followed the old woman to a decayed
+house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint his sores, showed
+him a very neat little bed, with a suit of clothes hanging up, and left
+him something to eat and drink.
+
+"Eat, drink, sleep," said she, "and may our lady of Atocha,[9] the great
+St. Anthony of Padua, and the great St. James of Compostella, receive
+you under their protection. I shall be back to-morrow."
+
+Candide, amazed at all he had suffered and still more with the charity
+of the old woman, wished to kiss her hand.
+
+"It is not my hand you must kiss," said the old woman; "I shall be back
+to-morrow. Anoint yourself with the pomatum, eat and sleep."
+
+Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The next
+morning the old woman brought him his breakfast, looked at his back, and
+rubbed it herself with another ointment: in like manner she brought him
+his dinner; and at night she returned with his supper. The day following
+she went through the very same ceremonies.
+
+"Who are you?" said Candide; "who has inspired you with so much
+goodness? What return can I make you?"
+
+The good woman made no answer; she returned in the evening, but brought
+no supper.
+
+"Come with me," she said, "and say nothing."
+
+She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of a mile
+into the country; they arrived at a lonely house, surrounded with
+gardens and canals. The old woman knocked at a little door, it opened,
+she led Candide up a private staircase into a small apartment richly
+furnished. She left him on a brocaded sofa, shut the door and went away.
+Candide thought himself in a dream; indeed, that he had been dreaming
+unluckily all his life, and that the present moment was the only
+agreeable part of it all.
+
+The old woman returned very soon, supporting with difficulty a trembling
+woman of a majestic figure, brilliant with jewels, and covered with a
+veil.
+
+"Take off that veil," said the old woman to Candide.
+
+The young man approaches, he raises the veil with a timid hand. Oh!
+what a moment! what surprise! he believes he beholds Miss Cunegonde? he
+really sees her! it is herself! His strength fails him, he cannot utter
+a word, but drops at her feet. Cunegonde falls upon the sofa. The old
+woman supplies a smelling bottle; they come to themselves and recover
+their speech. As they began with broken accents, with questions and
+answers interchangeably interrupted with sighs, with tears, and cries.
+The old woman desired they would make less noise and then she left them
+to themselves.
+
+"What, is it you?" said Candide, "you live? I find you again in
+Portugal? then you have not been ravished? then they did not rip open
+your belly as Doctor Pangloss informed me?"
+
+"Yes, they did," said the beautiful Cunegonde; "but those two accidents
+are not always mortal."
+
+"But were your father and mother killed?"
+
+"It is but too true," answered Cunegonde, in tears.
+
+"And your brother?"
+
+"My brother also was killed."
+
+"And why are you in Portugal? and how did you know of my being here? and
+by what strange adventure did you contrive to bring me to this house?"
+
+"I will tell you all that," replied the lady, "but first of all let me
+know your history, since the innocent kiss you gave me and the kicks
+which you received."
+
+Candide respectfully obeyed her, and though he was still in a surprise,
+though his voice was feeble and trembling, though his back still pained
+him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everything that had
+befallen him since the moment of their separation. Cunegonde lifted up
+her eyes to heaven; shed tears upon hearing of the death of the good
+Anabaptist and of Pangloss; after which she spoke as follows to Candide,
+who did not lose a word and devoured her with his eyes.
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+THE HISTORY OF CUNEGONDE.
+
+
+"I was in bed and fast asleep when it pleased God to send the Bulgarians
+to our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh; they slew my father and
+brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall Bulgarian, six feet high,
+perceiving that I had fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me;
+this made me recover; I regained my senses, I cried, I struggled, I bit,
+I scratched, I wanted to tear out the tall Bulgarian's eyes--not knowing
+that what happened at my father's house was the usual practice of war.
+The brute gave me a cut in the left side with his hanger, and the mark
+is still upon me."
+
+"Ah! I hope I shall see it," said honest Candide.
+
+"You shall," said Cunegonde, "but let us continue."
+
+"Do so," replied Candide.
+
+Thus she resumed the thread of her story:
+
+"A Bulgarian captain came in, saw me all bleeding, and the soldier not
+in the least disconcerted. The captain flew into a passion at the
+disrespectful behaviour of the brute, and slew him on my body. He
+ordered my wounds to be dressed, and took me to his quarters as a
+prisoner of war. I washed the few shirts that he had, I did his cooking;
+he thought me very pretty--he avowed it; on the other hand, I must own
+he had a good shape, and a soft and white skin; but he had little or no
+mind or philosophy, and you might see plainly that he had never been
+instructed by Doctor Pangloss. In three months time, having lost all his
+money, and being grown tired of my company, he sold me to a Jew, named
+Don Issachar, who traded to Holland and Portugal, and had a strong
+passion for women. This Jew was much attached to my person, but could
+not triumph over it; I resisted him better than the Bulgarian soldier. A
+modest woman may be ravished once, but her virtue is strengthened by it.
+In order to render me more tractable, he brought me to this country
+house. Hitherto I had imagined that nothing could equal the beauty of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh Castle; but I found I was mistaken.
+
+"The Grand Inquisitor, seeing me one day at Mass, stared long at me, and
+sent to tell me that he wished to speak on private matters. I was
+conducted to his palace, where I acquainted him with the history of my
+family, and he represented to me how much it was beneath my rank to
+belong to an Israelite. A proposal was then made to Don Issachar that he
+should resign me to my lord. Don Issachar, being the court banker, and a
+man of credit, would hear nothing of it. The Inquisitor threatened him
+with an _auto-da-fe_. At last my Jew, intimidated, concluded a bargain,
+by which the house and myself should belong to both in common; the Jew
+should have for himself Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and the
+Inquisitor should have the rest of the week. It is now six months since
+this agreement was made. Quarrels have not been wanting, for they could
+not decide whether the night from Saturday to Sunday belonged to the old
+law or to the new. For my part, I have so far held out against both, and
+I verily believe that this is the reason why I am still beloved.
+
+"At length, to avert the scourge of earthquakes, and to intimidate Don
+Issachar, my Lord Inquisitor was pleased to celebrate an _auto-da-fe_.
+He did me the honour to invite me to the ceremony. I had a very good
+seat, and the ladies were served with refreshments between Mass and the
+execution. I was in truth seized with horror at the burning of those two
+Jews, and of the honest Biscayner who had married his godmother; but
+what was my surprise, my fright, my trouble, when I saw in a
+_san-benito_ and mitre a figure which resembled that of Pangloss! I
+rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively, I saw him hung; I fainted.
+Scarcely had I recovered my senses than I saw you stripped, stark naked,
+and this was the height of my horror, consternation, grief, and despair.
+I tell you, truthfully, that your skin is yet whiter and of a more
+perfect colour than that of my Bulgarian captain. This spectacle
+redoubled all the feelings which overwhelmed and devoured me. I screamed
+out, and would have said, 'Stop, barbarians!' but my voice failed me,
+and my cries would have been useless after you had been severely
+whipped. How is it possible, said I, that the beloved Candide and the
+wise Pangloss should both be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred
+lashes, and the other to be hanged by the Grand Inquisitor, of whom I am
+the well-beloved? Pangloss most cruelly deceived me when he said that
+everything in the world is for the best.
+
+"Agitated, lost, sometimes beside myself, and sometimes ready to die of
+weakness, my mind was filled with the massacre of my father, mother, and
+brother, with the insolence of the ugly Bulgarian soldier, with the stab
+that he gave me, with my servitude under the Bulgarian captain, with my
+hideous Don Issachar, with my abominable Inquisitor, with the execution
+of Doctor Pangloss, with the grand Miserere to which they whipped you,
+and especially with the kiss I gave you behind the screen the day that I
+had last seen you. I praised God for bringing you back to me after so
+many trials, and I charged my old woman to take care of you, and to
+conduct you hither as soon as possible. She has executed her commission
+perfectly well; I have tasted the inexpressible pleasure of seeing you
+again, of hearing you, of speaking with you. But you must be hungry, for
+myself, I am famished; let us have supper."
+
+They both sat down to table, and, when supper was over, they placed
+themselves once more on the sofa; where they were when Signor Don
+Issachar arrived. It was the Jewish Sabbath, and Issachar had come to
+enjoy his rights, and to explain his tender love.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+WHAT BECAME OF CUNEGONDE, CANDIDE, THE GRAND INQUISITOR, AND THE JEW.
+
+
+This Issachar was the most choleric Hebrew that had ever been seen in
+Israel since the Captivity in Babylon.
+
+"What!" said he, "thou bitch of a Galilean, was not the Inquisitor
+enough for thee? Must this rascal also share with me?"
+
+In saying this he drew a long poniard which he always carried about him;
+and not imagining that his adversary had any arms he threw himself upon
+Candide: but our honest Westphalian had received a handsome sword from
+the old woman along with the suit of clothes. He drew his rapier,
+despite his gentleness, and laid the Israelite stone dead upon the
+cushions at Cunegonde's feet.
+
+"Holy Virgin!" cried she, "what will become of us? A man killed in my
+apartment! If the officers of justice come, we are lost!"
+
+"Had not Pangloss been hanged," said Candide, "he would give us good
+counsel in this emergency, for he was a profound philosopher. Failing
+him let us consult the old woman."
+
+She was very prudent and commenced to give her opinion when suddenly
+another little door opened. It was an hour after midnight, it was the
+beginning of Sunday. This day belonged to my lord the Inquisitor. He
+entered, and saw the whipped Candide, sword in hand, a dead man upon the
+floor, Cunegonde aghast, and the old woman giving counsel.
+
+At this moment, the following is what passed in the soul of Candide, and
+how he reasoned:
+
+If this holy man call in assistance, he will surely have me burnt; and
+Cunegonde will perhaps be served in the same manner; he was the cause of
+my being cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and, as I have now begun to
+kill, I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate. This reasoning
+was clear and instantaneous; so that without giving time to the
+Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he pierced him through and
+through, and cast him beside the Jew.
+
+"Yet again!" said Cunegonde, "now there is no mercy for us, we are
+excommunicated, our last hour has come. How could you do it? you,
+naturally so gentle, to slay a Jew and a prelate in two minutes!"
+
+"My beautiful young lady," responded Candide, "when one is a lover,
+jealous and whipped by the Inquisition, one stops at nothing."
+
+The old woman then put in her word, saying:
+
+"There are three Andalusian horses in the stable with bridles and
+saddles, let the brave Candide get them ready; madame has money, jewels;
+let us therefore mount quickly on horseback, though I can sit only on
+one buttock; let us set out for Cadiz, it is the finest weather in the
+world, and there is great pleasure in travelling in the cool of the
+night."
+
+Immediately Candide saddled the three horses, and Cunegonde, the old
+woman and he, travelled thirty miles at a stretch. While they were
+journeying, the Holy Brotherhood entered the house; my lord the
+Inquisitor was interred in a handsome church, and Issachar's body was
+thrown upon a dunghill.
+
+Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, had now reached the little town
+of Avacena in the midst of the mountains of the Sierra Morena, and were
+speaking as follows in a public inn.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+IN WHAT DISTRESS CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, AND THE OLD WOMAN ARRIVED AT CADIZ;
+AND OF THEIR EMBARKATION.
+
+
+"Who was it that robbed me of my money and jewels?" said Cunegonde, all
+bathed in tears. "How shall we live? What shall we do? Where find
+Inquisitors or Jews who will give me more?"
+
+"Alas!" said the old woman, "I have a shrewd suspicion of a reverend
+Grey Friar, who stayed last night in the same inn with us at Badajos.
+God preserve me from judging rashly, but he came into our room twice,
+and he set out upon his journey long before us."
+
+"Alas!" said Candide, "dear Pangloss has often demonstrated to me that
+the goods of this world are common to all men, and that each has an
+equal right to them. But according to these principles the Grey Friar
+ought to have left us enough to carry us through our journey. Have you
+nothing at all left, my dear Cunegonde?"
+
+"Not a farthing," said she.
+
+"What then must we do?" said Candide.
+
+"Sell one of the horses," replied the old woman. "I will ride behind
+Miss Cunegonde, though I can hold myself only on one buttock, and we
+shall reach Cadiz."
+
+In the same inn there was a Benedictine prior who bought the horse for a
+cheap price. Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, having passed
+through Lucena, Chillas, and Lebrixa, arrived at length at Cadiz. A
+fleet was there getting ready, and troops assembling to bring to reason
+the reverend Jesuit Fathers of Paraguay, accused of having made one of
+the native tribes in the neighborhood of San Sacrament revolt against
+the Kings of Spain and Portugal. Candide having been in the Bulgarian
+service, performed the military exercise before the general of this
+little army with so graceful an address, with so intrepid an air, and
+with such agility and expedition, that he was given the command of a
+company of foot. Now, he was a captain! He set sail with Miss Cunegonde,
+the old woman, two valets, and the two Andalusian horses, which had
+belonged to the grand Inquisitor of Portugal.
+
+During their voyage they reasoned a good deal on the philosophy of poor
+Pangloss.
+
+"We are going into another world," said Candide; "and surely it must be
+there that all is for the best. For I must confess there is reason to
+complain a little of what passeth in our world in regard to both
+natural and moral philosophy."
+
+"I love you with all my heart," said Cunegonde; "but my soul is still
+full of fright at that which I have seen and experienced."
+
+"All will be well," replied Candide; "the sea of this new world is
+already better than our European sea; it is calmer, the winds more
+regular. It is certainly the New World which is the best of all possible
+worlds."
+
+"God grant it," said Cunegonde; "but I have been so horribly unhappy
+there that my heart is almost closed to hope."
+
+"You complain," said the old woman; "alas! you have not known such
+misfortunes as mine."
+
+Cunegonde almost broke out laughing, finding the good woman very
+amusing, for pretending to have been as unfortunate as she.
+
+"Alas!" said Cunegonde, "my good mother, unless you have been ravished
+by two Bulgarians, have received two deep wounds in your belly, have had
+two castles demolished, have had two mothers cut to pieces before your
+eyes, and two of your lovers whipped at an _auto-da-fe_, I do not
+conceive how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add that I was born a
+baroness of seventy-two quarterings--and have been a cook!"
+
+"Miss," replied the old woman, "you do not know my birth; and were I to
+show you my backside, you would not talk in that manner, but would
+suspend your judgment."
+
+This speech having raised extreme curiosity in the minds of Cunegonde
+and Candide, the old woman spoke to them as follows.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+HISTORY OF THE OLD WOMAN.
+
+
+"I had not always bleared eyes and red eyelids; neither did my nose
+always touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. I am the daughter of
+Pope Urban X,[10] and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until the age of
+fourteen I was brought up in a palace, to which all the castles of your
+German barons would scarcely have served for stables; and one of my
+robes was worth more than all the magnificence of Westphalia. As I grew
+up I improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment, in the
+midst of pleasures, hopes, and respectful homage. Already I inspired
+love. My throat was formed, and such a throat! white, firm, and shaped
+like that of the Venus of Medici; and what eyes! what eyelids! what
+black eyebrows! such flames darted from my dark pupils that they
+eclipsed the scintillation of the stars--as I was told by the poets in
+our part of the world. My waiting women, when dressing and undressing
+me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they viewed me before or
+behind; how glad would the gentlemen have been to perform that office
+for them!
+
+"I was affianced to the most excellent Prince of Massa Carara. Such a
+prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly
+witty, and sparkling with love. I loved him as one loves for the first
+time--with idolatry, with transport. The nuptials were prepared. There
+was surprising pomp and magnificence; there were _fetes_, carousals,
+continual _opera bouffe_; and all Italy composed sonnets in my praise,
+though not one of them was passable. I was just upon the point of
+reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marchioness who had been
+mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate with
+her. He died in less than two hours of most terrible convulsions. But
+this is only a bagatelle. My mother, in despair, and scarcely less
+afflicted than myself, determined to absent herself for some time from
+so fatal a place. She had a very fine estate in the neighbourhood of
+Gaeta. We embarked on board a galley of the country which was gilded
+like the great altar of St. Peter's at Rome. A Sallee corsair swooped
+down and boarded us. Our men defended themselves like the Pope's
+soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their
+arms, begging of the corsair an absolution _in articulo mortis_.
+
+"Instantly they were stripped as bare as monkeys; my mother, our maids
+of honour, and myself were all served in the same manner. It is amazing
+with what expedition those gentry undress people. But what surprised me
+most was, that they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies
+which the generality of women suffer no other instrument but--pipes to
+enter. It appeared to me a very strange kind of ceremony; but thus one
+judges of things when one has not seen the world. I afterwards learnt
+that it was to try whether we had concealed any diamonds. This is the
+practice established from time immemorial, among civilised nations that
+scour the seas. I was informed that the very religious Knights of Malta
+never fail to make this search when they take any Turkish prisoners of
+either sex. It is a law of nations from which they never deviate.
+
+"I need not tell _you_ how great a hardship it was for a young princess
+and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco. You may easily
+imagine all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel. My mother was
+still very handsome; our maids of honour, and even our waiting women,
+had more charms than are to be found in all Africa. As for myself, I was
+ravishing, was exquisite, grace itself, and I was a virgin! I did not
+remain so long; this flower, which had been reserved for the handsome
+Prince of Massa Carara, was plucked by the corsair captain. He was an
+abominable negro, and yet believed that he did me a great deal of
+honour. Certainly the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have been
+very strong to go through all that we experienced until our arrival at
+Morocco. But let us pass on; these are such common things as not to be
+worth mentioning.
+
+"Morocco swam in blood when we arrived. Fifty sons of the Emperor
+Muley-Ismael[11] had each their adherents; this produced fifty civil
+wars, of blacks against blacks, and blacks against tawnies, and tawnies
+against tawnies, and mulattoes against mulattoes. In short it was a
+continual carnage throughout the empire.
+
+"No sooner were we landed, than the blacks of a contrary faction to that
+of my captain attempted to rob him of his booty. Next to jewels and gold
+we were the most valuable things he had. I was witness to such a battle
+as you have never seen in your European climates. The northern nations
+have not that heat in their blood, nor that raging lust for women, so
+common in Africa. It seems that you Europeans have only milk in your
+veins; but it is vitriol, it is fire which runs in those of the
+inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighbouring countries. They fought
+with the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of the country, to see
+who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while my
+captain's lieutenant held her by the left; a Moorish soldier had hold of
+her by one leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. Thus
+almost all our women were drawn in quarters by four men. My captain
+concealed me behind him; and with his drawn scimitar cut and slashed
+every one that opposed his fury. At length I saw all our Italian women,
+and my mother herself, torn, mangled, massacred, by the monsters who
+disputed over them. The slaves, my companions, those who had taken them,
+soldiers, sailors, blacks, whites, mulattoes, and at last my captain,
+all were killed, and I remained dying on a heap of dead. Such scenes as
+this were transacted through an extent of three hundred leagues--and yet
+they never missed the five prayers a day ordained by Mahomet.
+
+"With difficulty I disengaged myself from such a heap of slaughtered
+bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the bank of a neighbouring
+rivulet, where I fell, oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair,
+and hunger. Immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves
+up to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. I was in this
+state of weakness and insensibility, between life and death, when I
+felt myself pressed by something that moved upon my body. I opened my
+eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed, and who said
+between his teeth: '_O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!_'"[12]
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+THE ADVENTURES OF THE OLD WOMAN CONTINUED.
+
+
+"Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no less
+surprised at what this man said, I made answer that there were much
+greater misfortunes than that of which he complained. I told him in a
+few words of the horrors which I had endured, and fainted a second time.
+He carried me to a neighbouring house, put me to bed, gave me food,
+waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he told me that he had never
+seen any one so beautiful as I, and that he never so much regretted the
+loss of what it was impossible to recover.
+
+"'I was born at Naples,' said he, 'there they geld two or three thousand
+children every year; some die of the operation, others acquire a voice
+more beautiful than that of women, and others are raised to offices of
+state.[13] This operation was performed on me with great success and I
+was chapel musician to madam, the Princess of Palestrina.'
+
+"'To my mother!' cried I.
+
+"'Your mother!' cried he, weeping. 'What! can you be that young
+princess whom I brought up until the age of six years, and who promised
+so early to be as beautiful as you?'
+
+"'It is I, indeed; but my mother lies four hundred yards hence, torn in
+quarters, under a heap of dead bodies.'
+
+"I told him all my adventures, and he made me acquainted with his;
+telling me that he had been sent to the Emperor of Morocco by a
+Christian power, to conclude a treaty with that prince, in consequence
+of which he was to be furnished with military stores and ships to help
+to demolish the commerce of other Christian Governments.
+
+"'My mission is done,' said this honest eunuch; 'I go to embark for
+Ceuta, and will take you to Italy. _Ma che sciagura d'essere senza
+coglioni!_'
+
+"I thanked him with tears of commiseration; and instead of taking me to
+Italy he conducted me to Algiers, where he sold me to the Dey. Scarcely
+was I sold, than the plague which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and
+Europe, broke out with great malignancy in Algiers. You have seen
+earthquakes; but pray, miss, have you ever had the plague?"
+
+"Never," answered Cunegonde.
+
+"If you had," said the old woman, "you would acknowledge that it is far
+more terrible than an earthquake. It is common in Africa, and I caught
+it. Imagine to yourself the distressed situation of the daughter of a
+Pope, only fifteen years old, who, in less than three months, had felt
+the miseries of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day,
+had beheld her mother drawn in quarters, had experienced famine and war,
+and was dying of the plague in Algiers. I did not die, however, but my
+eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers perished.
+
+"As soon as the first fury of this terrible pestilence was over, a sale
+was made of the Dey's slaves; I was purchased by a merchant, and carried
+to Tunis; this man sold me to another merchant, who sold me again to
+another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria, from
+Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. At length I
+became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries, who was soon ordered
+away to the defence of Azof, then besieged by the Russians.
+
+"The Aga, who was a very gallant man, took his whole seraglio with him,
+and lodged us in a small fort on the Palus Meotides, guarded by two
+black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. The Turks killed prodigious numbers
+of the Russians, but the latter had their revenge. Azof was destroyed by
+fire, the inhabitants put to the sword, neither sex nor age was spared;
+until there remained only our little fort, and the enemy wanted to
+starve us out. The twenty Janissaries had sworn they would never
+surrender. The extremities of famine to which they were reduced, obliged
+them to eat our two eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. And at
+the end of a few days they resolved also to devour the women.
+
+"We had a very pious and humane Iman, who preached an excellent sermon,
+exhorting them not to kill us all at once.
+
+"'Only cut off a buttock of each of those ladies,' said he, 'and you'll
+fare extremely well; if you must go to it again, there will be the same
+entertainment a few days hence; heaven will accept of so charitable an
+action, and send you relief.'
+
+"He had great eloquence; he persuaded them; we underwent this terrible
+operation. The Iman applied the same balsam to us, as he does to
+children after circumcision; and we all nearly died.
+
+"Scarcely had the Janissaries finished the repast with which we had
+furnished them, than the Russians came in flat-bottomed boats; not a
+Janissary escaped. The Russians paid no attention to the condition we
+were in. There are French surgeons in all parts of the world; one of
+them who was very clever took us under his care--he cured us; and as
+long as I live I shall remember that as soon as my wounds were healed he
+made proposals to me. He bid us all be of good cheer, telling us that
+the like had happened in many sieges, and that it was according to the
+laws of war.
+
+"As soon as my companions could walk, they were obliged to set out for
+Moscow. I fell to the share of a Boyard who made me his gardener, and
+gave me twenty lashes a day. But this nobleman having in two years' time
+been broke upon the wheel along with thirty more Boyards for some broils
+at court, I profited by that event; I fled. I traversed all Russia; I
+was a long time an inn-holder's servant at Riga, the same at Rostock, at
+Vismar, at Leipzig, at Cassel, at Utrecht, at Leyden, at the Hague, at
+Rotterdam. I waxed old in misery and disgrace, having only one-half of
+my posteriors, and always remembering I was a Pope's daughter. A hundred
+times I was upon the point of killing myself; but still I loved life.
+This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics;
+for is there anything more absurd than to wish to carry continually a
+burden which one can always throw down? to detest existence and yet to
+cling to one's existence? in brief, to caress the serpent which devours
+us, till he has eaten our very heart?
+
+"In the different countries which it has been my lot to traverse, and
+the numerous inns where I have been servant, I have taken notice of a
+vast number of people who held their own existence in abhorrence, and
+yet I never knew of more than eight who voluntarily put an end to their
+misery; three negroes, four Englishmen, and a German professor named
+Robek.[14] I ended by being servant to the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed
+me near your presence, my fair lady. I am determined to share your fate,
+and have been much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own.
+I would never even have spoken to you of my misfortunes, had you not
+piqued me a little, and if it were not customary to tell stories on
+board a ship in order to pass away the time. In short, Miss Cunegonde, I
+have had experience, I know the world; therefore I advise you to divert
+yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story; and if
+there be one of them all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that
+has not frequently looked upon himself as the unhappiest of mortals, I
+give you leave to throw me headforemost into the sea."
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+HOW CANDIDE WAS FORCED AWAY FROM HIS FAIR CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN.
+
+
+The beautiful Cunegonde having heard the old woman's history, paid her
+all the civilities due to a person of her rank and merit. She likewise
+accepted her proposal, and engaged all the passengers, one after the
+other, to relate their adventures; and then both she and Candide allowed
+that the old woman was in the right.
+
+"It is a great pity," said Candide, "that the sage Pangloss was hanged
+contrary to custom at an _auto-da-fe_; he would tell us most amazing
+things in regard to the physical and moral evils that overspread earth
+and sea, and I should be able, with due respect, to make a few
+objections."
+
+While each passenger was recounting his story, the ship made her way.
+They landed at Buenos Ayres. Cunegonde, Captain Candide, and the old
+woman, waited on the Governor, Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y
+Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza. This nobleman had a stateliness
+becoming a person who bore so many names. He spoke to men with so noble
+a disdain, carried his nose so loftily, raised his voice so
+unmercifully, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked with such
+intolerable pride, that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to
+give him a good drubbing. Cunegonde appeared to him the most beautiful
+he had ever met. The first thing he did was to ask whether she was not
+the captain's wife. The manner in which he asked the question alarmed
+Candide; he durst not say she was his wife, because indeed she was not;
+neither durst he say she was his sister, because it was not so; and
+although this obliging lie had been formerly much in favour among the
+ancients, and although it could be useful to the moderns, his soul was
+too pure to betray the truth.
+
+"Miss Cunegonde," said he, "is to do me the honour to marry me, and we
+beseech your excellency to deign to sanction our marriage."
+
+Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
+turning up his moustachios, smiled mockingly, and ordered Captain
+Candide to go and review his company. Candide obeyed, and the Governor
+remained alone with Miss Cunegonde. He declared his passion, protesting
+he would marry her the next day in the face of the church, or otherwise,
+just as should be agreeable to herself. Cunegonde asked a quarter of an
+hour to consider of it, to consult the old woman, and to take her
+resolution.
+
+The old woman spoke thus to Cunegonde:
+
+"Miss, you have seventy-two quarterings, and not a farthing; it is now
+in your power to be wife to the greatest lord in South America, who has
+very beautiful moustachios. Is it for you to pique yourself upon
+inviolable fidelity? You have been ravished by Bulgarians; a Jew and an
+Inquisitor have enjoyed your favours. Misfortune gives sufficient
+excuse. I own, that if I were in your place, I should have no scruple in
+marrying the Governor and in making the fortune of Captain Candide."
+
+While the old woman spoke with all the prudence which age and experience
+gave, a small ship entered the port on board of which were an Alcalde
+and his alguazils, and this was what had happened.
+
+As the old woman had shrewdly guessed, it was a Grey Friar who stole
+Cunegonde's money and jewels in the town of Badajos, when she and
+Candide were escaping. The Friar wanted to sell some of the diamonds to
+a jeweller; the jeweller knew them to be the Grand Inquisitor's. The
+Friar before he was hanged confessed he had stolen them. He described
+the persons, and the route they had taken. The flight of Cunegonde and
+Candide was already known. They were traced to Cadiz. A vessel was
+immediately sent in pursuit of them. The vessel was already in the port
+of Buenos Ayres. The report spread that the Alcalde was going to land,
+and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of my lord the Grand
+Inquisitor. The prudent old woman saw at once what was to be done.
+
+"You cannot run away," said she to Cunegonde, "and you have nothing to
+fear, for it was not you that killed my lord; besides the Governor who
+loves you will not suffer you to be ill-treated; therefore stay."
+
+She then ran immediately to Candide.
+
+"Fly," said she, "or in an hour you will be burnt."
+
+There was not a moment to lose; but how could he part from Cunegonde,
+and where could he flee for shelter?
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+HOW CANDIDE AND CACAMBO WERE RECEIVED BY THE JESUITS OF PARAGUAY.
+
+
+Candide had brought such a valet with him from Cadiz, as one often meets
+with on the coasts of Spain and in the American colonies. He was a
+quarter Spaniard, born of a mongrel in Tucuman; he had been singing-boy,
+sacristan, sailor, monk, pedlar, soldier, and lackey. His name was
+Cacambo, and he loved his master, because his master was a very good
+man. He quickly saddled the two Andalusian horses.
+
+"Come, master, let us follow the old woman's advice; let us start, and
+run without looking behind us."
+
+Candide shed tears.
+
+"Oh! my dear Cunegonde! must I leave you just at a time when the
+Governor was going to sanction our nuptials? Cunegonde, brought to such
+a distance what will become of you?"
+
+"She will do as well as she can," said Cacambo; "the women are never at
+a loss, God provides for them, let us run."
+
+"Whither art thou carrying me? Where shall we go? What shall we do
+without Cunegonde?" said Candide.
+
+"By St. James of Compostella," said Cacambo, "you were going to fight
+against the Jesuits; let us go to fight for them; I know the road well,
+I'll conduct you to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have a
+captain that understands the Bulgarian exercise. You'll make a
+prodigious fortune; if we cannot find our account in one world we shall
+in another. It is a great pleasure to see and do new things."
+
+"You have before been in Paraguay, then?" said Candide.
+
+"Ay, sure," answered Cacambo, "I was servant in the College of the
+Assumption, and am acquainted with the government of the good Fathers as
+well as I am with the streets of Cadiz. It is an admirable government.
+The kingdom is upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter, and divided
+into thirty provinces; there the Fathers possess all, and the people
+nothing; it is a masterpiece of reason and justice. For my part I see
+nothing so divine as the Fathers who here make war upon the kings of
+Spain and Portugal, and in Europe confess those kings; who here kill
+Spaniards, and in Madrid send them to heaven; this delights me, let us
+push forward. You are going to be the happiest of mortals. What pleasure
+will it be to those Fathers to hear that a captain who knows the
+Bulgarian exercise has come to them!"
+
+As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo told the advanced
+guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord the Commandant. Notice
+was given to the main guard, and immediately a Paraguayan officer ran
+and laid himself at the feet of the Commandant, to impart this news to
+him. Candide and Cacambo were disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses
+seized. The strangers were introduced between two files of musketeers;
+the Commandant was at the further end, with the three-cornered cap on
+his head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a spontoon[15] in
+his hand. He beckoned, and straightway the new-comers were encompassed
+by four-and-twenty soldiers. A sergeant told them they must wait, that
+the Commandant could not speak to them, and that the reverend Father
+Provincial does not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in his
+presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.
+
+"And where is the reverend Father Provincial?" said Cacambo.
+
+"He is upon the parade just after celebrating mass," answered the
+sergeant, "and you cannot kiss his spurs till three hours hence."
+
+"However," said Cacambo, "the captain is not a Spaniard, but a German,
+he is ready to perish with hunger as well as myself; cannot we have
+something for breakfast, while we wait for his reverence?"
+
+The sergeant went immediately to acquaint the Commandant with what he
+had heard.
+
+"God be praised!" said the reverend Commandant, "since he is a German, I
+may speak to him; take him to my arbour."
+
+Candide was at once conducted to a beautiful summer-house, ornamented
+with a very pretty colonnade of green and gold marble, and with
+trellises, enclosing parraquets, humming-birds, fly-birds, guinea-hens,
+and all other rare birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels
+of gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden
+dishes, in the open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun, the
+reverend Father Commandant retired to his arbour.
+
+He was a very handsome young man, with a full face, white skin but high
+in colour; he had an arched eyebrow, a lively eye, red ears, vermilion
+lips, a bold air, but such a boldness as neither belonged to a Spaniard
+nor a Jesuit. They returned their arms to Candide and Cacambo, and also
+the two Andalusian horses; to whom Cacambo gave some oats to eat just by
+the arbour, having an eye upon them all the while for fear of a
+surprise.
+
+Candide first kissed the hem of the Commandant's robe, then they sat
+down to table.
+
+"You are, then, a German?" said the Jesuit to him in that language.
+
+"Yes, reverend Father," answered Candide.
+
+As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great
+amazement, and with such an emotion as they could not conceal.
+
+"And from what part of Germany do you come?" said the Jesuit.
+
+"I am from the dirty province of Westphalia," answered Candide; "I was
+born in the Castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh."
+
+"Oh! Heavens! is it possible?" cried the Commandant.
+
+"What a miracle!" cried Candide.
+
+"Is it really you?" said the Commandant.
+
+"It is not possible!" said Candide.
+
+They drew back; they embraced; they shed rivulets of tears.
+
+"What, is it you, reverend Father? You, the brother of the fair
+Cunegonde! You, that was slain by the Bulgarians! You, the Baron's son!
+You, a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world that
+we live in. Oh, Pangloss! Pangloss! how glad you would be if you had not
+been hanged!"
+
+The Commandant sent away the negro slaves and the Paraguayans, who
+served them with liquors in goblets of rock-crystal. He thanked God and
+St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms; and their
+faces were all bathed with tears.
+
+"You will be more surprised, more affected, and transported," said
+Candide, "when I tell you that Cunegonde, your sister, whom you believe
+to have been ripped open, is in perfect health."
+
+"Where?"
+
+"In your neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I was
+going to fight against you."
+
+Every word which they uttered in this long conversation but added wonder
+to wonder. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their
+ears, and sparkled in their eyes. As they were Germans, they sat a good
+while at table, waiting for the reverend Father Provincial, and the
+Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as follows.
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+HOW CANDIDE KILLED THE BROTHER OF HIS DEAR CUNEGONDE.
+
+
+"I shall have ever present to my memory the dreadful day, on which I saw
+my father and mother killed, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians
+retired, my dear sister could not be found; but my mother, my father,
+and myself, with two maid-servants and three little boys all of whom had
+been slain, were put in a hearse, to be conveyed for interment to a
+chapel belonging to the Jesuits, within two leagues of our family seat.
+A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water; it was horribly salt; a few
+drops of it fell into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids
+stirred a little; he put his hand upon my heart and felt it beat. I
+received assistance, and at the end of three weeks I recovered. You
+know, my dear Candide, I was very pretty; but I grew much prettier, and
+the reverend Father Didrie,[16] Superior of that House, conceived the
+tenderest friendship for me; he gave me the habit of the order, some
+years after I was sent to Rome. The Father-General needed new levies of
+young German-Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay admit as few Spanish
+Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations as being more
+subordinate to their commands. I was judged fit by the reverend
+Father-General to go and work in this vineyard. We set out--a Pole, a
+Tyrolese, and myself. Upon my arrival I was honoured with a
+sub-deaconship and a lieutenancy. I am to-day colonel and priest. We
+shall give a warm reception to the King of Spain's troops; I will answer
+for it that they shall be excommunicated and well beaten. Providence
+sends you here to assist us. But is it, indeed, true that my dear sister
+Cunegonde is in the neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres?"
+
+Candide assured him on oath that nothing was more true, and their tears
+began afresh.
+
+The Baron could not refrain from embracing Candide; he called him his
+brother, his saviour.
+
+"Ah! perhaps," said he, "we shall together, my dear Candide, enter the
+town as conquerors, and recover my sister Cunegonde."
+
+"That is all I want," said Candide, "for I intended to marry her, and I
+still hope to do so."
+
+"You insolent!" replied the Baron, "would you have the impudence to
+marry my sister who has seventy-two quarterings! I find thou hast the
+most consummate effrontery to dare to mention so presumptuous a design!"
+
+Candide, petrified at this speech, made answer:
+
+"Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world signify nothing; I
+rescued your sister from the arms of a Jew and of an Inquisitor; she has
+great obligations to me, she wishes to marry me; Master Pangloss always
+told me that all men are equal, and certainly I will marry her."
+
+"We shall see that, thou scoundrel!" said the Jesuit Baron de
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, and that instant struck him across the face with
+the flat of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier, and
+plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's belly; but in pulling it out
+reeking hot, he burst into tears.
+
+"Good God!" said he, "I have killed my old master, my friend, my
+brother-in-law! I am the best-natured creature in the world, and yet I
+have already killed three men, and of these three two were priests."
+
+Cacambo, who stood sentry by the door of the arbour, ran to him.
+
+"We have nothing more for it than to sell our lives as dearly as we
+can," said his master to him, "without doubt some one will soon enter
+the arbour, and we must die sword in hand."
+
+Cacambo, who had been in a great many scrapes in his lifetime, did not
+lose his head; he took the Baron's Jesuit habit, put it on Candide, gave
+him the square cap, and made him mount on horseback. All this was done
+in the twinkling of an eye.
+
+"Let us gallop fast, master, everybody will take you for a Jesuit, going
+to give directions to your men, and we shall have passed the frontiers
+before they will be able to overtake us."
+
+He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish:
+
+"Make way, make way, for the reverend Father Colonel."
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+ADVENTURES OF THE TWO TRAVELLERS, WITH TWO GIRLS, TWO MONKEYS, AND THE
+SAVAGES CALLED OREILLONS.
+
+
+Candide and his valet had got beyond the barrier, before it was known in
+the camp that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken
+care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit, and a few
+bottles of wine. With their Andalusian horses they penetrated into an
+unknown country, where they perceived no beaten track. At length they
+came to a beautiful meadow intersected with purling rills. Here our two
+adventurers fed their horses. Cacambo proposed to his master to take
+some food, and he set him an example.
+
+"How can you ask me to eat ham," said Candide, "after killing the
+Baron's son, and being doomed never more to see the beautiful Cunegonde?
+What will it avail me to spin out my wretched days and drag them far
+from her in remorse and despair? And what will the _Journal of
+Trevoux_[17] say?"
+
+While he was thus lamenting his fate, he went on eating. The sun went
+down. The two wanderers heard some little cries which seemed to be
+uttered by women. They did not know whether they were cries of pain or
+joy; but they started up precipitately with that inquietude and alarm
+which every little thing inspires in an unknown country. The noise was
+made by two naked girls, who tripped along the mead, while two monkeys
+were pursuing them and biting their buttocks. Candide was moved with
+pity; he had learned to fire a gun in the Bulgarian service, and he was
+so clever at it, that he could hit a filbert in a hedge without touching
+a leaf of the tree. He took up his double-barrelled Spanish fusil, let
+it off, and killed the two monkeys.
+
+"God be praised! My dear Cacambo, I have rescued those two poor
+creatures from a most perilous situation. If I have committed a sin in
+killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving
+the lives of these girls. Perhaps they are young ladies of family; and
+this adventure may procure us great advantages in this country."
+
+He was continuing, but stopped short when he saw the two girls tenderly
+embracing the monkeys, bathing their bodies in tears, and rending the
+air with the most dismal lamentations.
+
+"Little did I expect to see such good-nature," said he at length to
+Cacambo; who made answer:
+
+"Master, you have done a fine thing now; you have slain the sweethearts
+of those two young ladies."
+
+"The sweethearts! Is it possible? You are jesting, Cacambo, I can never
+believe it!"
+
+"Dear master," replied Cacambo; "you are surprised at everything. Why
+should you think it so strange that in some countries there are monkeys
+which insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies; they are
+a fourth part human, as I am a fourth part Spaniard."
+
+"Alas!" replied Candide, "I remember to have heard Master Pangloss say,
+that formerly such accidents used to happen; that these mixtures were
+productive of Centaurs, Fauns, and Satyrs; and that many of the ancients
+had seen such monsters, but I looked upon the whole as fabulous."
+
+"You ought now to be convinced," said Cacambo, "that it is the truth,
+and you see what use is made of those creatures, by persons that have
+not had a proper education; all I fear is that those ladies will play us
+some ugly trick."
+
+These sound reflections induced Candide to leave the meadow and to
+plunge into a wood. He supped there with Cacambo; and after cursing the
+Portuguese inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they
+fell asleep on moss. On awaking they felt that they could not move; for
+during the night the Oreillons, who inhabited that country, and to whom
+the ladies had denounced them, had bound them with cords made of the
+bark of trees. They were encompassed by fifty naked Oreillons, armed
+with bows and arrows, with clubs and flint hatchets. Some were making a
+large cauldron boil, others were preparing spits, and all cried:
+
+"A Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged, we shall have excellent
+cheer, let us eat the Jesuit, let us eat him up!"
+
+"I told you, my dear master," cried Cacambo sadly, "that those two girls
+would play us some ugly trick."
+
+Candide seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried:
+
+"We are certainly going to be either roasted or boiled. Ah! what would
+Master Pangloss say, were he to see how pure nature is formed?
+Everything is right, may be, but I declare it is very hard to have lost
+Miss Cunegonde and to be put upon a spit by Oreillons."
+
+Cacambo never lost his head.
+
+"Do not despair," said he to the disconsolate Candide, "I understand a
+little of the jargon of these people, I will speak to them."
+
+"Be sure," said Candide, "to represent to them how frightfully inhuman
+it is to cook men, and how very un-Christian."
+
+"Gentlemen," said Cacambo, "you reckon you are to-day going to feast
+upon a Jesuit. It is all very well, nothing is more unjust than thus to
+treat your enemies. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our
+neighbour, and such is the practice all over the world. If we do not
+accustom ourselves to eating them, it is because we have better fare.
+But you have not the same resources as we; certainly it is much better
+to devour your enemies than to resign to the crows and rooks the fruits
+of your victory. But, gentlemen, surely you would not choose to eat your
+friends. You believe that you are going to spit a Jesuit, and he is your
+defender. It is the enemy of your enemies that you are going to roast.
+As for myself, I was born in your country; this gentleman is my master,
+and, far from being a Jesuit, he has just killed one, whose spoils he
+wears; and thence comes your mistake. To convince you of the truth of
+what I say, take his habit and carry it to the first barrier of the
+Jesuit kingdom, and inform yourselves whether my master did not kill a
+Jesuit officer. It will not take you long, and you can always eat us if
+you find that I have lied to you. But I have told you the truth. You are
+too well acquainted with the principles of public law, humanity, and
+justice not to pardon us."
+
+The Oreillons found this speech very reasonable. They deputed two of
+their principal people with all expedition to inquire into the truth of
+the matter; these executed their commission like men of sense, and soon
+returned with good news. The Oreillons untied their prisoners, showed
+them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshment,
+and reconducted them to the confines of their territories, proclaiming
+with great joy:
+
+"He is no Jesuit! He is no Jesuit!"
+
+Candide could not help being surprised at the cause of his deliverance.
+
+"What people!" said he; "what men! what manners! If I had not been so
+lucky as to run Miss Cunegonde's brother through the body, I should have
+been devoured without redemption. But, after all, pure nature is good,
+since these people, instead of feasting upon my flesh, have shown me a
+thousand civilities, when then I was not a Jesuit."
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+ARRIVAL OF CANDIDE AND HIS VALET AT EL DORADO, AND WHAT THEY SAW THERE.
+
+
+"You see," said Cacambo to Candide, as soon as they had reached the
+frontiers of the Oreillons, "that this hemisphere is not better than the
+others, take my word for it; let us go back to Europe by the shortest
+way."
+
+"How go back?" said Candide, "and where shall we go? to my own country?
+The Bulgarians and the Abares are slaying all; to Portugal? there I
+shall be burnt; and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of
+being spitted. But how can I resolve to quit a part of the world where
+my dear Cunegonde resides?"
+
+"Let us turn towards Cayenne," said Cacambo, "there we shall find
+Frenchmen, who wander all over the world; they may assist us; God will
+perhaps have pity on us."
+
+It was not easy to get to Cayenne; they knew vaguely in which direction
+to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, obstructed them all the
+way. Their horses died of fatigue. Their provisions were consumed; they
+fed a whole month upon wild fruits, and found themselves at last near a
+little river bordered with cocoa trees, which sustained their lives and
+their hopes.
+
+Cacambo, who was as good a counsellor as the old woman, said to Candide:
+
+"We are able to hold out no longer; we have walked enough. I see an
+empty canoe near the river-side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, throw
+ourselves into it, and go with the current; a river always leads to some
+inhabited spot. If we do not find pleasant things we shall at least find
+new things."
+
+"With all my heart," said Candide, "let us recommend ourselves to
+Providence."
+
+They rowed a few leagues, between banks, in some places flowery, in
+others barren; in some parts smooth, in others rugged. The stream ever
+widened, and at length lost itself under an arch of frightful rocks
+which reached to the sky. The two travellers had the courage to commit
+themselves to the current. The river, suddenly contracting at this
+place, whirled them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity. At the end
+of four-and-twenty hours they saw daylight again, but their canoe was
+dashed to pieces against the rocks. For a league they had to creep from
+rock to rock, until at length they discovered an extensive plain,
+bounded by inaccessible mountains. The country was cultivated as much
+for pleasure as for necessity. On all sides the useful was also the
+beautiful. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages of
+a glittering form and substance, in which were men and women of
+surprising beauty, drawn by large red sheep which surpassed in fleetness
+the finest coursers of Andalusia, Tetuan, and Mequinez.[18]
+
+"Here, however, is a country," said Candide, "which is better than
+Westphalia."
+
+He stepped out with Cacambo towards the first village which he saw. Some
+children dressed in tattered brocades played at quoits on the outskirts.
+Our travellers from the other world amused themselves by looking on. The
+quoits were large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a
+singular lustre! The travellers picked a few of them off the ground;
+this was of gold, that of emeralds, the other of rubies--the least of
+them would have been the greatest ornament on the Mogul's throne.
+
+"Without doubt," said Cacambo, "these children must be the king's sons
+that are playing at quoits!"
+
+The village schoolmaster appeared at this moment and called them to
+school.
+
+"There," said Candide, "is the preceptor of the royal family."
+
+The little truants immediately quitted their game, leaving the quoits
+on the ground with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up,
+ran to the master, and presented them to him in a most humble manner,
+giving him to understand by signs that their royal highnesses had
+forgotten their gold and jewels. The schoolmaster, smiling, flung them
+upon the ground; then, looking at Candide with a good deal of surprise,
+went about his business.
+
+The travellers, however, took care to gather up the gold, the rubies,
+and the emeralds.
+
+"Where are we?" cried Candide. "The king's children in this country must
+be well brought up, since they are taught to despise gold and precious
+stones."
+
+Cacambo was as much surprised as Candide. At length they drew near the
+first house in the village. It was built like an European palace. A
+crowd of people pressed about the door, and there were still more in the
+house. They heard most agreeable music, and were aware of a delicious
+odour of cooking. Cacambo went up to the door and heard they were
+talking Peruvian; it was his mother tongue, for it is well known that
+Cacambo was born in Tucuman, in a village where no other language was
+spoken.
+
+"I will be your interpreter here," said he to Candide; "let us go in, it
+is a public-house."
+
+Immediately two waiters and two girls, dressed in cloth of gold, and
+their hair tied up with ribbons, invited them to sit down to table with
+the landlord. They served four dishes of soup, each garnished with two
+young parrots; a boiled condor[19] which weighed two hundred pounds; two
+roasted monkeys, of excellent flavour; three hundred humming-birds in
+one dish, and six hundred fly-birds in another; exquisite ragouts;
+delicious pastries; the whole served up in dishes of a kind of
+rock-crystal. The waiters and girls poured out several liqueurs drawn
+from the sugar-cane.
+
+Most of the company were chapmen and waggoners, all extremely polite;
+they asked Cacambo a few questions with the greatest circumspection, and
+answered his in the most obliging manner.
+
+As soon as dinner was over, Cacambo believed as well as Candide that
+they might well pay their reckoning by laying down two of those large
+gold pieces which they had picked up. The landlord and landlady shouted
+with laughter and held their sides. When the fit was over:
+
+"Gentlemen," said the landlord, "it is plain you are strangers, and such
+guests we are not accustomed to see; pardon us therefore for laughing
+when you offered us the pebbles from our highroads in payment of your
+reckoning. You doubtless have not the money of the country; but it is
+not necessary to have any money at all to dine in this house. All
+hostelries established for the convenience of commerce are paid by the
+government. You have fared but very indifferently because this is a poor
+village; but everywhere else, you will be received as you deserve."
+
+Cacambo explained this whole discourse with great astonishment to
+Candide, who was as greatly astonished to hear it.
+
+"What sort of a country then is this," said they to one another; "a
+country unknown to all the rest of the world, and where nature is of a
+kind so different from ours? It is probably the country where all is
+well; for there absolutely must be one such place. And, whatever Master
+Pangloss might say, I often found that things went very ill in
+Westphalia."
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+WHAT THEY SAW IN THE COUNTRY OF EL DORADO.
+
+
+Cacambo expressed his curiosity to the landlord, who made answer:
+
+"I am very ignorant, but not the worse on that account. However, we have
+in this neighbourhood an old man retired from Court who is the most
+learned and most communicative person in the kingdom."
+
+At once he took Cacambo to the old man. Candide acted now only a second
+character, and accompanied his valet. They entered a very plain house,
+for the door was only of silver, and the ceilings were only of gold, but
+wrought in so elegant a taste as to vie with the richest. The
+antechamber, indeed, was only encrusted with rubies and emeralds, but
+the order in which everything was arranged made amends for this great
+simplicity.
+
+The old man received the strangers on his sofa, which was stuffed with
+humming-birds' feathers, and ordered his servants to present them with
+liqueurs in diamond goblets; after which he satisfied their curiosity
+in the following terms:
+
+"I am now one hundred and seventy-two years old, and I learnt of my late
+father, Master of the Horse to the King, the amazing revolutions of
+Peru, of which he had been an eyewitness. The kingdom we now inhabit is
+the ancient country of the Incas, who quitted it very imprudently to
+conquer another part of the world, and were at length destroyed by the
+Spaniards.
+
+"More wise by far were the princes of their family, who remained in
+their native country; and they ordained, with the consent of the whole
+nation, that none of the inhabitants should ever be permitted to quit
+this little kingdom; and this has preserved our innocence and happiness.
+The Spaniards have had a confused notion of this country, and have
+called it _El Dorado_; and an Englishman, whose name was Sir Walter
+Raleigh, came very near it about a hundred years ago; but being
+surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we have hitherto been
+sheltered from the rapaciousness of European nations, who have an
+inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake
+of which they would murder us to the last man."
+
+The conversation was long: it turned chiefly on their form of
+government, their manners, their women, their public entertainments,
+and the arts. At length Candide, having always had a taste for
+metaphysics, made Cacambo ask whether there was any religion in that
+country.
+
+The old man reddened a little.
+
+"How then," said he, "can you doubt it? Do you take us for ungrateful
+wretches?"
+
+Cacambo humbly asked, "What was the religion in El Dorado?"
+
+The old man reddened again.
+
+"Can there be two religions?" said he. "We have, I believe, the religion
+of all the world: we worship God night and morning."
+
+"Do you worship but one God?" said Cacambo, who still acted as
+interpreter in representing Candide's doubts.
+
+"Surely," said the old man, "there are not two, nor three, nor four. I
+must confess the people from your side of the world ask very
+extraordinary questions."
+
+Candide was not yet tired of interrogating the good old man; he wanted
+to know in what manner they prayed to God in El Dorado.
+
+"We do not pray to Him," said the worthy sage; "we have nothing to ask
+of Him; He has given us all we need, and we return Him thanks without
+ceasing."
+
+Candide having a curiosity to see the priests asked where they were.
+The good old man smiled.
+
+"My friend," said he, "we are all priests. The King and all the heads of
+families sing solemn canticles of thanksgiving every morning,
+accompanied by five or six thousand musicians."
+
+"What! have you no monks who teach, who dispute, who govern, who cabal,
+and who burn people that are not of their opinion?"
+
+"We must be mad, indeed, if that were the case," said the old man; "here
+we are all of one opinion, and we know not what you mean by monks."
+
+During this whole discourse Candide was in raptures, and he said to
+himself:
+
+"This is vastly different from Westphalia and the Baron's castle. Had
+our friend Pangloss seen El Dorado he would no longer have said that the
+castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was the finest upon earth. It is evident
+that one must travel."
+
+After this long conversation the old man ordered a coach and six sheep
+to be got ready, and twelve of his domestics to conduct the travellers
+to Court.
+
+"Excuse me," said he, "if my age deprives me of the honour of
+accompanying you. The King will receive you in a manner that cannot
+displease you; and no doubt you will make an allowance for the customs
+of the country, if some things should not be to your liking."
+
+Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the six sheep flew, and in less
+than four hours they reached the King's palace situated at the extremity
+of the capital. The portal was two hundred and twenty feet high, and one
+hundred wide; but words are wanting to express the materials of which it
+was built. It is plain such materials must have prodigious superiority
+over those pebbles and sand which we call gold and precious stones.
+
+Twenty beautiful damsels of the King's guard received Candide and
+Cacambo as they alighted from the coach, conducted them to the bath, and
+dressed them in robes woven of the down of humming-birds; after which
+the great crown officers, of both sexes, led them to the King's
+apartment, between two files of musicians, a thousand on each side. When
+they drew near to the audience chamber Cacambo asked one of the great
+officers in what way he should pay his obeisance to his Majesty; whether
+they should throw themselves upon their knees or on their stomachs;
+whether they should put their hands upon their heads or behind their
+backs; whether they should lick the dust off the floor; in a word, what
+was the ceremony?
+
+"The custom," said the great officer, "is to embrace the King, and to
+kiss him on each cheek."
+
+Candide and Cacambo threw themselves round his Majesty's neck. He
+received them with all the goodness imaginable, and politely invited
+them to supper.
+
+While waiting they were shown the city, and saw the public edifices
+raised as high as the clouds, the market places ornamented with a
+thousand columns, the fountains of spring water, those of rose water,
+those of liqueurs drawn from sugar-cane, incessantly flowing into the
+great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stone, which
+gave off a delicious fragrancy like that of cloves and cinnamon. Candide
+asked to see the court of justice, the parliament. They told him they
+had none, and that they were strangers to lawsuits. He asked if they had
+any prisons, and they answered no. But what surprised him most and gave
+him the greatest pleasure was the palace of sciences, where he saw a
+gallery two thousand feet long, and filled with instruments employed in
+mathematics and physics.
+
+After rambling about the city the whole afternoon, and seeing but a
+thousandth part of it, they were reconducted to the royal palace, where
+Candide sat down to table with his Majesty, his valet Cacambo, and
+several ladies. Never was there a better entertainment, and never was
+more wit shown at a table than that which fell from his Majesty. Cacambo
+explained the King's _bon-mots_ to Candide, and notwithstanding they
+were translated they still appeared to be _bon-mots_. Of all the things
+that surprised Candide this was not the least.
+
+They spent a month in this hospitable place. Candide frequently said to
+Cacambo:
+
+"I own, my friend, once more that the castle where I was born is nothing
+in comparison with this; but, after all, Miss Cunegonde is not here, and
+you have, without doubt, some mistress in Europe. If we abide here we
+shall only be upon a footing with the rest, whereas, if we return to our
+old world, only with twelve sheep laden with the pebbles of El Dorado,
+we shall be richer than all the kings in Europe. We shall have no more
+Inquisitors to fear, and we may easily recover Miss Cunegonde."
+
+This speech was agreeable to Cacambo; mankind are so fond of roving, of
+making a figure in their own country, and of boasting of what they have
+seen in their travels, that the two happy ones resolved to be no longer
+so, but to ask his Majesty's leave to quit the country.
+
+"You are foolish," said the King. "I am sensible that my kingdom is but
+a small place, but when a person is comfortably settled in any part he
+should abide there. I have not the right to detain strangers. It is a
+tyranny which neither our manners nor our laws permit. All men are free.
+Go when you wish, but the going will be very difficult. It is impossible
+to ascend that rapid river on which you came as by a miracle, and which
+runs under vaulted rocks. The mountains which surround my kingdom are
+ten thousand feet high, and as steep as walls; they are each over ten
+leagues in breadth, and there is no other way to descend them than by
+precipices. However, since you absolutely wish to depart, I shall give
+orders to my engineers to construct a machine that will convey you very
+safely. When we have conducted you over the mountains no one can
+accompany you further, for my subjects have made a vow never to quit the
+kingdom, and they are too wise to break it. Ask me besides anything that
+you please."
+
+"We desire nothing of your Majesty," says Candide, "but a few sheep
+laden with provisions, pebbles, and the earth of this country."
+
+The King laughed.
+
+"I cannot conceive," said he, "what pleasure you Europeans find in our
+yellow clay, but take as much as you like, and great good may it do
+you."
+
+At once he gave directions that his engineers should construct a machine
+to hoist up these two extraordinary men out of the kingdom. Three
+thousand good mathematicians went to work; it was ready in fifteen days,
+and did not cost more than twenty million sterling in the specie of that
+country. They placed Candide and Cacambo on the machine. There were two
+great red sheep saddled and bridled to ride upon as soon as they were
+beyond the mountains, twenty pack-sheep laden with provisions, thirty
+with presents of the curiosities of the country, and fifty with gold,
+diamonds, and precious stones. The King embraced the two wanderers very
+tenderly.
+
+Their departure, with the ingenious manner in which they and their sheep
+were hoisted over the mountains, was a splendid spectacle. The
+mathematicians took their leave after conveying them to a place of
+safety, and Candide had no other desire, no other aim, than to present
+his sheep to Miss Cunegonde.
+
+"Now," said he, "we are able to pay the Governor of Buenos Ayres if Miss
+Cunegonde can be ransomed. Let us journey towards Cayenne. Let us
+embark, and we will afterwards see what kingdom we shall be able to
+purchase."
+
+
+
+
+XIX
+
+WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM AT SURINAM AND HOW CANDIDE GOT ACQUAINTED WITH
+MARTIN.
+
+
+Our travellers spent the first day very agreeably. They were delighted
+with possessing more treasure than all Asia, Europe, and Africa could
+scrape together. Candide, in his raptures, cut Cunegonde's name on the
+trees. The second day two of their sheep plunged into a morass, where
+they and their burdens were lost; two more died of fatigue a few days
+after; seven or eight perished with hunger in a desert; and others
+subsequently fell down precipices. At length, after travelling a hundred
+days, only two sheep remained. Said Candide to Cacambo:
+
+"My friend, you see how perishable are the riches of this world; there
+is nothing solid but virtue, and the happiness of seeing Cunegonde once
+more."
+
+"I grant all you say," said Cacambo, "but we have still two sheep
+remaining, with more treasure than the King of Spain will ever have; and
+I see a town which I take to be Surinam, belonging to the Dutch. We are
+at the end of all our troubles, and at the beginning of happiness."
+
+As they drew near the town, they saw a negro stretched upon the ground,
+with only one moiety of his clothes, that is, of his blue linen drawers;
+the poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand.
+
+"Good God!" said Candide in Dutch, "what art thou doing there, friend,
+in that shocking condition?"
+
+"I am waiting for my master, Mynheer Vanderdendur, the famous merchant,"
+answered the negro.
+
+"Was it Mynheer Vanderdendur," said Candide, "that treated thee thus?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said the negro, "it is the custom. They give us a pair of
+linen drawers for our whole garment twice a year. When we work at the
+sugar-canes, and the mill snatches hold of a finger, they cut off the
+hand; and when we attempt to run away, they cut off the leg; both cases
+have happened to me. This is the price at which you eat sugar in Europe.
+Yet when my mother sold me for ten patagons[20] on the coast of Guinea,
+she said to me: 'My dear child, bless our fetiches, adore them for ever;
+they will make thee live happily; thou hast the honour of being the
+slave of our lords, the whites, which is making the fortune of thy
+father and mother.' Alas! I know not whether I have made their fortunes;
+this I know, that they have not made mine. Dogs, monkeys, and parrots
+are a thousand times less wretched than I. The Dutch fetiches, who have
+converted me, declare every Sunday that we are all of us children of
+Adam--blacks as well as whites. I am not a genealogist, but if these
+preachers tell truth, we are all second cousins. Now, you must agree,
+that it is impossible to treat one's relations in a more barbarous
+manner."
+
+"Oh, Pangloss!" cried Candide, "thou hadst not guessed at this
+abomination; it is the end. I must at last renounce thy optimism."
+
+"What is this optimism?" said Cacambo.
+
+"Alas!" said Candide, "it is the madness of maintaining that everything
+is right when it is wrong."
+
+Looking at the negro, he shed tears, and weeping, he entered Surinam.
+
+The first thing they inquired after was whether there was a vessel in
+the harbour which could be sent to Buenos Ayres. The person to whom they
+applied was a Spanish sea-captain, who offered to agree with them upon
+reasonable terms. He appointed to meet them at a public-house, whither
+Candide and the faithful Cacambo went with their two sheep, and awaited
+his coming.
+
+Candide, who had his heart upon his lips, told the Spaniard all his
+adventures, and avowed that he intended to elope with Miss Cunegonde.
+
+"Then I will take good care not to carry you to Buenos Ayres," said the
+seaman. "I should be hanged, and so would you. The fair Cunegonde is my
+lord's favourite mistress."
+
+This was a thunderclap for Candide: he wept for a long while. At last he
+drew Cacambo aside.
+
+"Here, my dear friend," said he to him, "this thou must do. We have,
+each of us in his pocket, five or six millions in diamonds; you are more
+clever than I; you must go and bring Miss Cunegonde from Buenos Ayres.
+If the Governor makes any difficulty, give him a million; if he will not
+relinquish her, give him two; as you have not killed an Inquisitor, they
+will have no suspicion of you; I'll get another ship, and go and wait
+for you at Venice; that's a free country, where there is no danger
+either from Bulgarians, Abares, Jews, or Inquisitors."
+
+Cacambo applauded this wise resolution. He despaired at parting from so
+good a master, who had become his intimate friend; but the pleasure of
+serving him prevailed over the pain of leaving him. They embraced with
+tears; Candide charged him not to forget the good old woman. Cacambo
+set out that very same day. This Cacambo was a very honest fellow.
+
+Candide stayed some time longer in Surinam, waiting for another captain
+to carry him and the two remaining sheep to Italy. After he had hired
+domestics, and purchased everything necessary for a long voyage, Mynheer
+Vanderdendur, captain of a large vessel, came and offered his services.
+
+"How much will you charge," said he to this man, "to carry me straight
+to Venice--me, my servants, my baggage, and these two sheep?"
+
+The skipper asked ten thousand piastres. Candide did not hesitate.
+
+"Oh! oh!" said the prudent Vanderdendur to himself, "this stranger gives
+ten thousand piastres unhesitatingly! He must be very rich."
+
+Returning a little while after, he let him know that upon second
+consideration, he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty
+thousand piastres.
+
+"Well, you shall have them," said Candide.
+
+"Ay!" said the skipper to himself, "this man agrees to pay twenty
+thousand piastres with as much ease as ten."
+
+He went back to him again, and declared that he could not carry him to
+Venice for less than thirty thousand piastres.
+
+"Then you shall have thirty thousand," replied Candide.
+
+"Oh! oh!" said the Dutch skipper once more to himself, "thirty thousand
+piastres are a trifle to this man; surely these sheep must be laden with
+an immense treasure; let us say no more about it. First of all, let him
+pay down the thirty thousand piastres; then we shall see."
+
+Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth more than
+what the skipper asked for his freight. He paid him in advance. The two
+sheep were put on board. Candide followed in a little boat to join the
+vessel in the roads. The skipper seized his opportunity, set sail, and
+put out to sea, the wind favouring him. Candide, dismayed and stupefied,
+soon lost sight of the vessel.
+
+"Alas!" said he, "this is a trick worthy of the old world!"
+
+He put back, overwhelmed with sorrow, for indeed he had lost sufficient
+to make the fortune of twenty monarchs. He waited upon the Dutch
+magistrate, and in his distress he knocked over loudly at the door. He
+entered and told his adventure, raising his voice with unnecessary
+vehemence. The magistrate began by fining him ten thousand piastres for
+making a noise; then he listened patiently, promised to examine into his
+affair at the skipper's return, and ordered him to pay ten thousand
+piastres for the expense of the hearing.
+
+This drove Candide to despair; he had, indeed, endured misfortunes a
+thousand times worse; the coolness of the magistrate and of the skipper
+who had robbed him, roused his choler and flung him into a deep
+melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented itself before his
+imagination in all its deformity, and his mind was filled with gloomy
+ideas. At length hearing that a French vessel was ready to set sail for
+Bordeaux, as he had no sheep laden with diamonds to take along with him
+he hired a cabin at the usual price. He made it known in the town that
+he would pay the passage and board and give two thousand piastres to any
+honest man who would make the voyage with him, upon condition that this
+man was the most dissatisfied with his state, and the most unfortunate
+in the whole province.
+
+Such a crowd of candidates presented themselves that a fleet of ships
+could hardly have held them. Candide being desirous of selecting from
+among the best, marked out about one-twentieth of them who seemed to be
+sociable men, and who all pretended to merit his preference. He
+assembled them at his inn, and gave them a supper on condition that each
+took an oath to relate his history faithfully, promising to choose him
+who appeared to be most justly discontented with his state, and to
+bestow some presents upon the rest.
+
+They sat until four o'clock in the morning. Candide, in listening to all
+their adventures, was reminded of what the old woman had said to him in
+their voyage to Buenos Ayres, and of her wager that there was not a
+person on board the ship but had met with very great misfortunes. He
+dreamed of Pangloss at every adventure told to him.
+
+"This Pangloss," said he, "would be puzzled to demonstrate his system. I
+wish that he were here. Certainly, if all things are good, it is in El
+Dorado and not in the rest of the world."
+
+At length he made choice of a poor man of letters, who had worked ten
+years for the booksellers of Amsterdam. He judged that there was not in
+the whole world a trade which could disgust one more.
+
+This philosopher was an honest man; but he had been robbed by his wife,
+beaten by his son, and abandoned by his daughter who got a Portuguese to
+run away with her. He had just been deprived of a small employment, on
+which he subsisted; and he was persecuted by the preachers of Surinam,
+who took him for a Socinian. We must allow that the others were at least
+as wretched as he; but Candide hoped that the philosopher would
+entertain him during the voyage. All the other candidates complained
+that Candide had done them great injustice; but he appeased them by
+giving one hundred piastres to each.
+
+
+
+
+XX
+
+WHAT HAPPENED AT SEA TO CANDIDE AND MARTIN.
+
+
+The old philosopher, whose name was Martin, embarked then with Candide
+for Bordeaux. They had both seen and suffered a great deal; and if the
+vessel had sailed from Surinam to Japan, by the Cape of Good Hope, the
+subject of moral and natural evil would have enabled them to entertain
+one another during the whole voyage.
+
+Candide, however, had one great advantage over Martin, in that he always
+hoped to see Miss Cunegonde; whereas Martin had nothing at all to hope.
+Besides, Candide was possessed of money and jewels, and though he had
+lost one hundred large red sheep, laden with the greatest treasure upon
+earth; though the knavery of the Dutch skipper still sat heavy upon his
+mind; yet when he reflected upon what he had still left, and when he
+mentioned the name of Cunegonde, especially towards the latter end of a
+repast, he inclined to Pangloss's doctrine.
+
+"But you, Mr. Martin," said he to the philosopher, "what do you think
+of all this? what are your ideas on moral and natural evil?"
+
+"Sir," answered Martin, "our priests accused me of being a Socinian, but
+the real fact is I am a Manichean."[21]
+
+"You jest," said Candide; "there are no longer Manicheans in the world."
+
+"I am one," said Martin. "I cannot help it; I know not how to think
+otherwise."
+
+"Surely you must be possessed by the devil," said Candide.
+
+"He is so deeply concerned in the affairs of this world," answered
+Martin, "that he may very well be in me, as well as in everybody else;
+but I own to you that when I cast an eye on this globe, or rather on
+this little ball, I cannot help thinking that God has abandoned it to
+some malignant being. I except, always, El Dorado. I scarcely ever knew
+a city that did not desire the destruction of a neighbouring city, nor a
+family that did not wish to exterminate some other family. Everywhere
+the weak execrate the powerful, before whom they cringe; and the
+powerful beat them like sheep whose wool and flesh they sell. A million
+regimented assassins, from one extremity of Europe to the other, get
+their bread by disciplined depredation and murder, for want of more
+honest employment. Even in those cities which seem to enjoy peace, and
+where the arts flourish, the inhabitants are devoured by more envy,
+care, and uneasiness than are experienced by a besieged town. Secret
+griefs are more cruel than public calamities. In a word I have seen so
+much, and experienced so much that I am a Manichean."
+
+"There are, however, some things good," said Candide.
+
+"That may be," said Martin; "but I know them not."
+
+In the middle of this dispute they heard the report of cannon; it
+redoubled every instant. Each took out his glass. They saw two ships in
+close fight about three miles off. The wind brought both so near to the
+French vessel that our travellers had the pleasure of seeing the fight
+at their ease. At length one let off a broadside, so low and so truly
+aimed, that the other sank to the bottom. Candide and Martin could
+plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of the sinking vessel; they
+raised their hands to heaven and uttered terrible outcries, and the next
+moment were swallowed up by the sea.
+
+"Well," said Martin, "this is how men treat one another."
+
+"It is true," said Candide; "there is something diabolical in this
+affair."
+
+While speaking, he saw he knew not what, of a shining red, swimming
+close to the vessel. They put out the long-boat to see what it could
+be: it was one of his sheep! Candide was more rejoiced at the recovery
+of this one sheep than he had been grieved at the loss of the hundred
+laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado.
+
+The French captain soon saw that the captain of the victorious vessel
+was a Spaniard, and that the other was a Dutch pirate, and the very same
+one who had robbed Candide. The immense plunder which this villain had
+amassed, was buried with him in the sea, and out of the whole only one
+sheep was saved.
+
+"You see," said Candide to Martin, "that crime is sometimes punished.
+This rogue of a Dutch skipper has met with the fate he deserved."
+
+"Yes," said Martin; "but why should the passengers be doomed also to
+destruction? God has punished the knave, and the devil has drowned the
+rest."
+
+The French and Spanish ships continued their course, and Candide
+continued his conversation with Martin. They disputed fifteen successive
+days, and on the last of those fifteen days, they were as far advanced
+as on the first. But, however, they chatted, they communicated ideas,
+they consoled each other. Candide caressed his sheep.
+
+"Since I have found thee again," said he, "I may likewise chance to find
+my Cunegonde."
+
+
+
+
+XXI
+
+CANDIDE AND MARTIN, REASONING, DRAW NEAR THE COAST OF FRANCE.
+
+
+At length they descried the coast of France.
+
+"Were you ever in France, Mr. Martin?" said Candide.
+
+"Yes," said Martin, "I have been in several provinces. In some one-half
+of the people are fools, in others they are too cunning; in some they
+are weak and simple, in others they affect to be witty; in all, the
+principal occupation is love, the next is slander, and the third is
+talking nonsense."
+
+"But, Mr. Martin, have you seen Paris?"
+
+"Yes, I have. All these kinds are found there. It is a chaos--a confused
+multitude, where everybody seeks pleasure and scarcely any one finds it,
+at least as it appeared to me. I made a short stay there. On my arrival
+I was robbed of all I had by pickpockets at the fair of St. Germain. I
+myself was taken for a robber and was imprisoned for eight days, after
+which I served as corrector of the press to gain the money necessary for
+my return to Holland on foot. I knew the whole scribbling rabble, the
+party rabble, the fanatic rabble. It is said that there are very polite
+people in that city, and I wish to believe it."
+
+"For my part, I have no curiosity to see France," said Candide. "You may
+easily imagine that after spending a month at El Dorado I can desire to
+behold nothing upon earth but Miss Cunegonde. I go to await her at
+Venice. We shall pass through France on our way to Italy. Will you bear
+me company?"
+
+"With all my heart," said Martin. "It is said that Venice is fit only
+for its own nobility, but that strangers meet with a very good reception
+if they have a good deal of money. I have none of it; you have,
+therefore I will follow you all over the world."
+
+"But do you believe," said Candide, "that the earth was originally a
+sea, as we find it asserted in that large book belonging to the
+captain?"
+
+"I do not believe a word of it," said Martin, "any more than I do of the
+many ravings which have been published lately."
+
+"But for what end, then, has this world been formed?" said Candide.
+
+"To plague us to death," answered Martin.
+
+"Are you not greatly surprised," continued Candide, "at the love which
+these two girls of the Oreillons had for those monkeys, of which I have
+already told you?"
+
+"Not at all," said Martin. "I do not see that that passion was strange.
+I have seen so many extraordinary things that I have ceased to be
+surprised."
+
+"Do you believe," said Candide, "that men have always massacred each
+other as they do to-day, that they have always been liars, cheats,
+traitors, ingrates, brigands, idiots, thieves, scoundrels, gluttons,
+drunkards, misers, envious, ambitious, bloody-minded, calumniators,
+debauchees, fanatics, hypocrites, and fools?"
+
+"Do you believe," said Martin, "that hawks have always eaten pigeons
+when they have found them?"
+
+"Yes, without doubt," said Candide.
+
+"Well, then," said Martin, "if hawks have always had the same character
+why should you imagine that men may have changed theirs?"
+
+"Oh!" said Candide, "there is a vast deal of difference, for free
+will----"
+
+And reasoning thus they arrived at Bordeaux.
+
+
+
+
+XXII
+
+WHAT HAPPENED IN FRANCE TO CANDIDE AND MARTIN.
+
+
+Candide stayed in Bordeaux no longer than was necessary for the selling
+of a few of the pebbles of El Dorado, and for hiring a good chaise to
+hold two passengers; for he could not travel without his Philosopher
+Martin. He was only vexed at parting with his sheep, which he left to
+the Bordeaux Academy of Sciences, who set as a subject for that year's
+prize, "to find why this sheep's wool was red;" and the prize was
+awarded to a learned man of the North, who demonstrated by A plus B
+minus C divided by Z, that the sheep must be red, and die of the rot.
+
+Meanwhile, all the travellers whom Candide met in the inns along his
+route, said to him, "We go to Paris." This general eagerness at length
+gave him, too, a desire to see this capital; and it was not so very
+great a _detour_ from the road to Venice.
+
+He entered Paris by the suburb of St. Marceau, and fancied that he was
+in the dirtiest village of Westphalia.
+
+Scarcely was Candide arrived at his inn, than he found himself attacked
+by a slight illness, caused by fatigue. As he had a very large diamond
+on his finger, and the people of the inn had taken notice of a
+prodigiously heavy box among his baggage, there were two physicians to
+attend him, though he had never sent for them, and two devotees who
+warmed his broths.
+
+"I remember," Martin said, "also to have been sick at Paris in my first
+voyage; I was very poor, thus I had neither friends, devotees, nor
+doctors, and I recovered."
+
+However, what with physic and bleeding, Candide's illness became
+serious. A parson of the neighborhood came with great meekness to ask
+for a bill for the other world payable to the bearer. Candide would do
+nothing for him; but the devotees assured him it was the new fashion. He
+answered that he was not a man of fashion. Martin wished to throw the
+priest out of the window. The priest swore that they would not bury
+Candide. Martin swore that he would bury the priest if he continued to
+be troublesome. The quarrel grew heated. Martin took him by the
+shoulders and roughly turned him out of doors; which occasioned great
+scandal and a law-suit.
+
+Candide got well again, and during his convalescence he had very good
+company to sup with him. They played high. Candide wondered why it was
+that the ace never came to him; but Martin was not at all astonished.
+
+Among those who did him the honours of the town was a little Abbe of
+Perigord, one of those busybodies who are ever alert, officious,
+forward, fawning, and complaisant; who watch for strangers in their
+passage through the capital, tell them the scandalous history of the
+town, and offer them pleasure at all prices. He first took Candide and
+Martin to La Comedie, where they played a new tragedy. Candide happened
+to be seated near some of the fashionable wits. This did not prevent his
+shedding tears at the well-acted scenes. One of these critics at his
+side said to him between the acts:
+
+"Your tears are misplaced; that is a shocking actress; the actor who
+plays with her is yet worse; and the play is still worse than the
+actors. The author does not know a word of Arabic, yet the scene is in
+Arabia; moreover he is a man that does not believe in innate ideas; and
+I will bring you, to-morrow, twenty pamphlets written against him."[22]
+
+"How many dramas have you in France, sir?" said Candide to the Abbe.
+
+"Five or six thousand."
+
+"What a number!" said Candide. "How many good?"
+
+"Fifteen or sixteen," replied the other.
+
+"What a number!" said Martin.
+
+Candide was very pleased with an actress who played Queen Elizabeth in a
+somewhat insipid tragedy[23] sometimes acted.
+
+"That actress," said he to Martin, "pleases me much; she has a likeness
+to Miss Cunegonde; I should be very glad to wait upon her."
+
+The Perigordian Abbe offered to introduce him. Candide, brought up in
+Germany, asked what was the etiquette, and how they treated queens of
+England in France.
+
+"It is necessary to make distinctions," said the Abbe. "In the provinces
+one takes them to the inn; in Paris, one respects them when they are
+beautiful, and throws them on the highway when they are dead."[24]
+
+"Queens on the highway!" said Candide.
+
+"Yes, truly," said Martin, "the Abbe is right. I was in Paris when Miss
+Monime passed, as the saying is, from this life to the other. She was
+refused what people call the _honours of sepulture_--that is to say, of
+rotting with all the beggars of the neighbourhood in an ugly cemetery;
+she was interred all alone by her company at the corner of the Rue de
+Bourgogne, which ought to trouble her much, for she thought nobly."
+
+"That was very uncivil," said Candide.
+
+"What would you have?" said Martin; "these people are made thus. Imagine
+all contradictions, all possible incompatibilities--you will find them
+in the government, in the law-courts, in the churches, in the public
+shows of this droll nation."
+
+"Is it true that they always laugh in Paris?" said Candide.
+
+"Yes," said the Abbe, "but it means nothing, for they complain of
+everything with great fits of laughter; they even do the most detestable
+things while laughing."
+
+"Who," said Candide, "is that great pig who spoke so ill of the piece at
+which I wept, and of the actors who gave me so much pleasure?"
+
+"He is a bad character," answered the Abbe, "who gains his livelihood by
+saying evil of all plays and of all books. He hates whatever succeeds,
+as the eunuchs hate those who enjoy; he is one of the serpents of
+literature who nourish themselves on dirt and spite; he is a
+_folliculaire_."
+
+"What is a _folliculaire_?" said Candide.
+
+"It is," said the Abbe, "a pamphleteer--a Freron."[25]
+
+Thus Candide, Martin, and the Perigordian conversed on the staircase,
+while watching every one go out after the performance.
+
+"Although I am eager to see Cunegonde again," said Candide, "I should
+like to sup with Miss Clairon, for she appears to me admirable."
+
+The Abbe was not the man to approach Miss Clairon, who saw only good
+company.
+
+"She is engaged for this evening," he said, "but I shall have the honour
+to take you to the house of a lady of quality, and there you will know
+Paris as if you had lived in it for years."
+
+Candide, who was naturally curious, let himself be taken to this lady's
+house, at the end of the Faubourg St. Honore. The company was occupied
+in playing faro; a dozen melancholy punters held each in his hand a
+little pack of cards; a bad record of his misfortunes. Profound silence
+reigned; pallor was on the faces of the punters, anxiety on that of the
+banker, and the hostess, sitting near the unpitying banker, noticed with
+lynx-eyes all the doubled and other increased stakes, as each player
+dog's-eared his cards; she made them turn down the edges again with
+severe, but polite attention; she showed no vexation for fear of losing
+her customers. The lady insisted upon being called the Marchioness of
+Parolignac. Her daughter, aged fifteen, was among the punters, and
+notified with a covert glance the cheatings of the poor people who
+tried to repair the cruelties of fate. The Perigordian Abbe, Candide and
+Martin entered; no one rose, no one saluted them, no one looked at them;
+all were profoundly occupied with their cards.
+
+"The Baroness of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was more polite," said Candide.
+
+However, the Abbe whispered to the Marchioness, who half rose, honoured
+Candide with a gracious smile, and Martin with a condescending nod; she
+gave a seat and a pack of cards to Candide, who lost fifty thousand
+francs in two deals, after which they supped very gaily, and every one
+was astonished that Candide was not moved by his loss; the servants said
+among themselves, in the language of servants:--
+
+"Some English lord is here this evening."
+
+The supper passed at first like most Parisian suppers, in silence,
+followed by a noise of words which could not be distinguished, then with
+pleasantries of which most were insipid, with false news, with bad
+reasoning, a little politics, and much evil speaking; they also
+discussed new books.
+
+"Have you seen," said the Perigordian Abbe, "the romance of Sieur
+Gauchat, doctor of divinity?"[26]
+
+"Yes," answered one of the guests, "but I have not been able to finish
+it. We have a crowd of silly writings, but all together do not approach
+the impertinence of 'Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity.' I am so satiated with
+the great number of detestable books with which we are inundated that I
+am reduced to punting at faro."
+
+"And the _Melanges_ of Archdeacon Trublet,[27] what do you say of that?"
+said the Abbe.
+
+"Ah!" said the Marchioness of Parolignac, "the wearisome mortal! How
+curiously he repeats to you all that the world knows! How heavily he
+discusses that which is not worth the trouble of lightly remarking upon!
+How, without wit, he appropriates the wit of others! How he spoils what
+he steals! How he disgusts me! But he will disgust me no longer--it is
+enough to have read a few of the Archdeacon's pages."
+
+There was at table a wise man of taste, who supported the Marchioness.
+They spoke afterwards of tragedies; the lady asked why there were
+tragedies which were sometimes played and which could not be read. The
+man of taste explained very well how a piece could have some interest,
+and have almost no merit; he proved in few words that it was not enough
+to introduce one or two of those situations which one finds in all
+romances, and which always seduce the spectator, but that it was
+necessary to be new without being odd, often sublime and always
+natural, to know the human heart and to make it speak; to be a great
+poet without allowing any person in the piece to appear to be a poet; to
+know language perfectly--to speak it with purity, with continuous
+harmony and without rhythm ever taking anything from sense.
+
+"Whoever," added he, "does not observe all these rules can produce one
+or two tragedies, applauded at a theatre, but he will never be counted
+in the ranks of good writers. There are very few good tragedies; some
+are idylls in dialogue, well written and well rhymed, others political
+reasonings which lull to sleep, or amplifications which repel; others
+demoniac dreams in barbarous style, interrupted in sequence, with long
+apostrophes to the gods, because they do not know how to speak to men,
+with false maxims, with bombastic commonplaces!"
+
+Candide listened with attention to this discourse, and conceived a great
+idea of the speaker, and as the Marchioness had taken care to place him
+beside her, he leaned towards her and took the liberty of asking who was
+the man who had spoken so well.
+
+"He is a scholar," said the lady, "who does not play, whom the Abbe
+sometimes brings to supper; he is perfectly at home among tragedies and
+books, and he has written a tragedy which was hissed, and a book of
+which nothing has ever been seen outside his bookseller's shop
+excepting the copy which he dedicated to me."
+
+"The great man!" said Candide. "He is another Pangloss!"
+
+Then, turning towards him, he said:
+
+"Sir, you think doubtless that all is for the best in the moral and
+physical world, and that nothing could be otherwise than it is?"
+
+"I, sir!" answered the scholar, "I know nothing of all that; I find that
+all goes awry with me; that no one knows either what is his rank, nor
+what is his condition, what he does nor what he ought to do; and that
+except supper, which is always gay, and where there appears to be enough
+concord, all the rest of the time is passed in impertinent quarrels;
+Jansenist against Molinist, Parliament against the Church, men of
+letters against men of letters, courtesans against courtesans,
+financiers against the people, wives against husbands, relatives against
+relatives--it is eternal war."
+
+"I have seen the worst," Candide replied. "But a wise man, who since has
+had the misfortune to be hanged, taught me that all is marvellously
+well; these are but the shadows on a beautiful picture."
+
+"Your hanged man mocked the world," said Martin. "The shadows are
+horrible blots."
+
+"They are men who make the blots," said Candide, "and they cannot be
+dispensed with."
+
+"It is not their fault then," said Martin.
+
+Most of the punters, who understood nothing of this language, drank, and
+Martin reasoned with the scholar, and Candide related some of his
+adventures to his hostess.
+
+After supper the Marchioness took Candide into her boudoir, and made him
+sit upon a sofa.
+
+"Ah, well!" said she to him, "you love desperately Miss Cunegonde of
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh?"
+
+"Yes, madame," answered Candide.
+
+The Marchioness replied to him with a tender smile:
+
+"You answer me like a young man from Westphalia. A Frenchman would have
+said, 'It is true that I have loved Miss Cunegonde, but seeing you,
+madame, I think I no longer love her.'"
+
+"Alas! madame," said Candide, "I will answer you as you wish."
+
+"Your passion for her," said the Marchioness, "commenced by picking up
+her handkerchief. I wish that you would pick up my garter."
+
+"With all my heart," said Candide. And he picked it up.
+
+"But I wish that you would put it on," said the lady.
+
+And Candide put it on.
+
+"You see," said she, "you are a foreigner. I sometimes make my Parisian
+lovers languish for fifteen days, but I give myself to you the first
+night because one must do the honours of one's country to a young man
+from Westphalia."
+
+The lady having perceived two enormous diamonds upon the hands of the
+young foreigner praised them with such good faith that from Candide's
+fingers they passed to her own.
+
+Candide, returning with the Perigordian Abbe, felt some remorse in
+having been unfaithful to Miss Cunegonde. The Abbe sympathised in his
+trouble; he had had but a light part of the fifty thousand francs lost
+at play and of the value of the two brilliants, half given, half
+extorted. His design was to profit as much as he could by the advantages
+which the acquaintance of Candide could procure for him. He spoke much
+of Cunegonde, and Candide told him that he should ask forgiveness of
+that beautiful one for his infidelity when he should see her in Venice.
+
+The Abbe redoubled his politeness and attentions, and took a tender
+interest in all that Candide said, in all that he did, in all that he
+wished to do.
+
+"And so, sir, you have a rendezvous at Venice?"
+
+"Yes, monsieur Abbe," answered Candide. "It is absolutely necessary
+that I go to meet Miss Cunegonde."
+
+And then the pleasure of talking of that which he loved induced him to
+relate, according to his custom, part of his adventures with the fair
+Westphalian.
+
+"I believe," said the Abbe, "that Miss Cunegonde has a great deal of
+wit, and that she writes charming letters?"
+
+"I have never received any from her," said Candide, "for being expelled
+from the castle on her account I had not an opportunity for writing to
+her. Soon after that I heard she was dead; then I found her alive; then
+I lost her again; and last of all, I sent an express to her two thousand
+five hundred leagues from here, and I wait for an answer."
+
+The Abbe listened attentively, and seemed to be in a brown study. He
+soon took his leave of the two foreigners after a most tender embrace.
+The following day Candide received, on awaking, a letter couched in
+these terms:
+
+"My very dear love, for eight days I have been ill in this town. I learn
+that you are here. I would fly to your arms if I could but move. I was
+informed of your passage at Bordeaux, where I left faithful Cacambo and
+the old woman, who are to follow me very soon. The Governor of Buenos
+Ayres has taken all, but there remains to me your heart. Come! your
+presence will either give me life or kill me with pleasure."
+
+This charming, this unhoped-for letter transported Candide with an
+inexpressible joy, and the illness of his dear Cunegonde overwhelmed him
+with grief. Divided between those two passions, he took his gold and his
+diamonds and hurried away, with Martin, to the hotel where Miss
+Cunegonde was lodged. He entered her room trembling, his heart
+palpitating, his voice sobbing; he wished to open the curtains of the
+bed, and asked for a light.
+
+"Take care what you do," said the servant-maid; "the light hurts her,"
+and immediately she drew the curtain again.
+
+"My dear Cunegonde," said Candide, weeping, "how are you? If you cannot
+see me, at least speak to me."
+
+"She cannot speak," said the maid.
+
+The lady then put a plump hand out from the bed, and Candide bathed it
+with his tears and afterwards filled it with diamonds, leaving a bag of
+gold upon the easy chair.
+
+In the midst of these transports in came an officer, followed by the
+Abbe and a file of soldiers.
+
+"There," said he, "are the two suspected foreigners," and at the same
+time he ordered them to be seized and carried to prison.
+
+"Travellers are not treated thus in El Dorado," said Candide.
+
+"I am more a Manichean now than ever," said Martin.
+
+"But pray, sir, where are you going to carry us?" said Candide.
+
+"To a dungeon," answered the officer.
+
+Martin, having recovered himself a little, judged that the lady who
+acted the part of Cunegonde was a cheat, that the Perigordian Abbe was a
+knave who had imposed upon the honest simplicity of Candide, and that
+the officer was another knave whom they might easily silence.
+
+Candide, advised by Martin and impatient to see the real Cunegonde,
+rather than expose himself before a court of justice, proposed to the
+officer to give him three small diamonds, each worth about three
+thousand pistoles.
+
+"Ah, sir," said the man with the ivory baton, "had you committed all the
+imaginable crimes you would be to me the most honest man in the world.
+Three diamonds! Each worth three thousand pistoles! Sir, instead of
+carrying you to jail I would lose my life to serve you. There are orders
+for arresting all foreigners, but leave it to me. I have a brother at
+Dieppe in Normandy! I'll conduct you thither, and if you have a diamond
+to give him he'll take as much care of you as I would."
+
+"And why," said Candide, "should all foreigners be arrested?"
+
+"It is," the Perigordian Abbe then made answer, "because a poor beggar
+of the country of Atrebatie[28] heard some foolish things said. This
+induced him to commit a parricide, not such as that of 1610 in the month
+of May,[29] but such as that of 1594 in the month of December,[30] and
+such as others which have been committed in other years and other months
+by other poor devils who had heard nonsense spoken."
+
+The officer then explained what the Abbe meant.
+
+"Ah, the monsters!" cried Candide. "What horrors among a people who
+dance and sing! Is there no way of getting quickly out of this country
+where monkeys provoke tigers? I have seen no bears in my country, but
+_men_ I have beheld nowhere except in El Dorado. In the name of God,
+sir, conduct me to Venice, where I am to await Miss Cunegonde."
+
+"I can conduct you no further than lower Normandy," said the officer.
+
+Immediately he ordered his irons to be struck off, acknowledged himself
+mistaken, sent away his men, set out with Candide and Martin for Dieppe,
+and left them in the care of his brother.
+
+There was then a small Dutch ship in the harbour. The Norman, who by the
+virtue of three more diamonds had become the most subservient of men,
+put Candide and his attendants on board a vessel that was just ready to
+set sail for Portsmouth in England.
+
+This was not the way to Venice, but Candide thought he had made his way
+out of hell, and reckoned that he would soon have an opportunity for
+resuming his journey.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII
+
+CANDIDE AND MARTIN TOUCHED UPON THE COAST OF ENGLAND, AND WHAT THEY SAW
+THERE.
+
+
+"Ah, Pangloss! Pangloss! Ah, Martin! Martin! Ah, my dear Cunegonde, what
+sort of a world is this?" said Candide on board the Dutch ship.
+
+"Something very foolish and abominable," said Martin.
+
+"You know England? Are they as foolish there as in France?"
+
+"It is another kind of folly," said Martin. "You know that these two
+nations are at war for a few acres of snow in Canada,[31] and that they
+spend over this beautiful war much more than Canada is worth. To tell
+you exactly, whether there are more people fit to send to a madhouse in
+one country than the other, is what my imperfect intelligence will not
+permit. I only know in general that the people we are going to see are
+very atrabilious."
+
+Talking thus they arrived at Portsmouth. The coast was lined with crowds
+of people, whose eyes were fixed on a fine man kneeling, with his eyes
+bandaged, on board one of the men of war in the harbour. Four soldiers
+stood opposite to this man; each of them fired three balls at his head,
+with all the calmness in the world; and the whole assembly went away
+very well satisfied.
+
+"What is all this?" said Candide; "and what demon is it that exercises
+his empire in this country?"
+
+He then asked who was that fine man who had been killed with so much
+ceremony. They answered, he was an Admiral.[32]
+
+"And why kill this Admiral?"
+
+"It is because he did not kill a sufficient number of men himself. He
+gave battle to a French Admiral; and it has been proved that he was not
+near enough to him."
+
+"But," replied Candide, "the French Admiral was as far from the English
+Admiral."
+
+"There is no doubt of it; but in this country it is found good, from
+time to time, to kill one Admiral to encourage the others."
+
+Candide was so shocked and bewildered by what he saw and heard, that he
+would not set foot on shore, and he made a bargain with the Dutch
+skipper (were he even to rob him like the Surinam captain) to conduct
+him without delay to Venice.
+
+The skipper was ready in two days. They coasted France; they passed in
+sight of Lisbon, and Candide trembled. They passed through the Straits,
+and entered the Mediterranean. At last they landed at Venice.
+
+"God be praised!" said Candide, embracing Martin. "It is here that I
+shall see again my beautiful Cunegonde. I trust Cacambo as myself. All
+is well, all will be well, all goes as well as possible."
+
+
+
+
+XXIV
+
+OF PAQUETTE AND FRIAR GIROFLEE.
+
+
+Upon their arrival at Venice, Candide went to search for Cacambo at
+every inn and coffee-house, and among all the ladies of pleasure, but to
+no purpose. He sent every day to inquire on all the ships that came in.
+But there was no news of Cacambo.
+
+"What!" said he to Martin, "I have had time to voyage from Surinam to
+Bordeaux, to go from Bordeaux to Paris, from Paris to Dieppe, from
+Dieppe to Portsmouth, to coast along Portugal and Spain, to cross the
+whole Mediterranean, to spend some months, and yet the beautiful
+Cunegonde has not arrived! Instead of her I have only met a Parisian
+wench and a Perigordian Abbe. Cunegonde is dead without doubt, and there
+is nothing for me but to die. Alas! how much better it would have been
+for me to have remained in the paradise of El Dorado than to come back
+to this cursed Europe! You are in the right, my dear Martin: all is
+misery and illusion."
+
+He fell into a deep melancholy, and neither went to see the opera, nor
+any of the other diversions of the Carnival; nay, he was proof against
+the temptations of all the ladies.
+
+"You are in truth very simple," said Martin to him, "if you imagine that
+a mongrel valet, who has five or six millions in his pocket, will go to
+the other end of the world to seek your mistress and bring her to you to
+Venice. If he find her, he will keep her to himself; if he do not find
+her he will get another. I advise you to forget your valet Cacambo and
+your mistress Cunegonde."
+
+Martin was not consoling. Candide's melancholy increased; and Martin
+continued to prove to him that there was very little virtue or happiness
+upon earth, except perhaps in El Dorado, where nobody could gain
+admittance.
+
+While they were disputing on this important subject and waiting for
+Cunegonde, Candide saw a young Theatin friar in St. Mark's Piazza,
+holding a girl on his arm. The Theatin looked fresh coloured, plump, and
+vigorous; his eyes were sparkling, his air assured, his look lofty, and
+his step bold. The girl was very pretty, and sang; she looked amorously
+at her Theatin, and from time to time pinched his fat cheeks.
+
+"At least you will allow me," said Candide to Martin, "that these two
+are happy. Hitherto I have met with none but unfortunate people in the
+whole habitable globe, except in El Dorado; but as to this pair, I would
+venture to lay a wager that they are very happy."
+
+"I lay you they are not," said Martin.
+
+"We need only ask them to dine with us," said Candide, "and you will see
+whether I am mistaken."
+
+Immediately he accosted them, presented his compliments, and invited
+them to his inn to eat some macaroni, with Lombard partridges, and
+caviare, and to drink some Montepulciano, Lachrymae Christi, Cyprus and
+Samos wine. The girl blushed, the Theatin accepted the invitation and
+she followed him, casting her eyes on Candide with confusion and
+surprise, and dropping a few tears. No sooner had she set foot in
+Candide's apartment than she cried out:
+
+"Ah! Mr. Candide does not know Paquette again."
+
+Candide had not viewed her as yet with attention, his thoughts being
+entirely taken up with Cunegonde; but recollecting her as she spoke.
+
+"Alas!" said he, "my poor child, it is you who reduced Doctor Pangloss
+to the beautiful condition in which I saw him?"
+
+"Alas! it was I, sir, indeed," answered Paquette. "I see that you have
+heard all. I have been informed of the frightful disasters that befell
+the family of my lady Baroness, and the fair Cunegonde. I swear to you
+that my fate has been scarcely less sad. I was very innocent when you
+knew me. A Grey Friar, who was my confessor, easily seduced me. The
+consequences were terrible. I was obliged to quit the castle some time
+after the Baron had sent you away with kicks on the backside. If a
+famous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I should have died. For
+some time I was this surgeon's mistress, merely out of gratitude. His
+wife, who was mad with jealousy, beat me every day unmercifully; she was
+a fury. The surgeon was one of the ugliest of men, and I the most
+wretched of women, to be continually beaten for a man I did not love.
+You know, sir, what a dangerous thing it is for an ill-natured woman to
+be married to a doctor. Incensed at the behaviour of his wife, he one
+day gave her so effectual a remedy to cure her of a slight cold, that
+she died two hours after, in most horrid convulsions. The wife's
+relations prosecuted the husband; he took flight, and I was thrown into
+jail. My innocence would not have saved me if I had not been
+good-looking. The judge set me free, on condition that he succeeded the
+surgeon. I was soon supplanted by a rival, turned out of doors quite
+destitute, and obliged to continue this abominable trade, which appears
+so pleasant to you men, while to us women it is the utmost abyss of
+misery. I have come to exercise the profession at Venice. Ah! sir, if
+you could only imagine what it is to be obliged to caress indifferently
+an old merchant, a lawyer, a monk, a gondolier, an abbe, to be exposed
+to abuse and insults; to be often reduced to borrowing a petticoat, only
+to go and have it raised by a disagreeable man; to be robbed by one of
+what one has earned from another; to be subject to the extortions of the
+officers of justice; and to have in prospect only a frightful old age, a
+hospital, and a dung-hill; you would conclude that I am one of the most
+unhappy creatures in the world."[33]
+
+Paquette thus opened her heart to honest Candide, in the presence of
+Martin, who said to his friend:
+
+"You see that already I have won half the wager."
+
+Friar Giroflee stayed in the dining-room, and drank a glass or two of
+wine while he was waiting for dinner.
+
+"But," said Candide to Paquette, "you looked so gay and content when I
+met you; you sang and you behaved so lovingly to the Theatin, that you
+seemed to me as happy as you pretend to be now the reverse."
+
+"Ah! sir," answered Paquette, "this is one of the miseries of the trade.
+Yesterday I was robbed and beaten by an officer; yet to-day I must put
+on good humour to please a friar."
+
+Candide wanted no more convincing; he owned that Martin was in the
+right. They sat down to table with Paquette and the Theatin; the repast
+was entertaining; and towards the end they conversed with all
+confidence.
+
+"Father," said Candide to the Friar, "you appear to me to enjoy a state
+that all the world might envy; the flower of health shines in your face,
+your expression makes plain your happiness; you have a very pretty girl
+for your recreation, and you seem well satisfied with your state as a
+Theatin."
+
+"My faith, sir," said Friar Giroflee, "I wish that all the Theatins were
+at the bottom of the sea. I have been tempted a hundred times to set
+fire to the convent, and go and become a Turk. My parents forced me at
+the age of fifteen to put on this detestable habit, to increase the
+fortune of a cursed elder brother, whom God confound. Jealousy, discord,
+and fury, dwell in the convent. It is true I have preached a few bad
+sermons that have brought me in a little money, of which the prior stole
+half, while the rest serves to maintain my girls; but when I return at
+night to the monastery, I am ready to dash my head against the walls of
+the dormitory; and all my fellows are in the same case."
+
+Martin turned towards Candide with his usual coolness.
+
+"Well," said he, "have I not won the whole wager?"
+
+Candide gave two thousand piastres to Paquette, and one thousand to
+Friar Giroflee.
+
+"I'll answer for it," said he, "that with this they will be happy."
+
+"I do not believe it at all," said Martin; "you will, perhaps, with
+these piastres only render them the more unhappy."
+
+"Let that be as it may," said Candide, "but one thing consoles me. I see
+that we often meet with those whom we expected never to see more; so
+that, perhaps, as I have found my red sheep and Paquette, it may well be
+that I shall also find Cunegonde."
+
+"I wish," said Martin, "she may one day make you very happy; but I doubt
+it very much."
+
+"You are very hard of belief," said Candide.
+
+"I have lived," said Martin.
+
+"You see those gondoliers," said Candide, "are they not perpetually
+singing?"
+
+"You do not see them," said Martin, "at home with their wives and brats.
+The Doge has his troubles, the gondoliers have theirs. It is true that,
+all things considered, the life of a gondolier is preferable to that of
+a Doge; but I believe the difference to be so trifling that it is not
+worth the trouble of examining."
+
+"People talk," said Candide, "of the Senator Pococurante, who lives in
+that fine palace on the Brenta, where he entertains foreigners in the
+politest manner. They pretend that this man has never felt any
+uneasiness."
+
+"I should be glad to see such a rarity," said Martin.
+
+Candide immediately sent to ask the Lord Pococurante permission to wait
+upon him the next day.
+
+
+
+
+XXV
+
+THE VISIT TO LORD POCOCURANTE, A NOBLE VENETIAN.
+
+
+Candide and Martin went in a gondola on the Brenta, and arrived at the
+palace of the noble Signor Pococurante. The gardens, laid out with
+taste, were adorned with fine marble statues. The palace was beautifully
+built. The master of the house was a man of sixty, and very rich. He
+received the two travellers with polite indifference, which put Candide
+a little out of countenance, but was not at all disagreeable to Martin.
+
+First, two pretty girls, very neatly dressed, served them with
+chocolate, which was frothed exceedingly well. Candide could not refrain
+from commending their beauty, grace, and address.
+
+"They are good enough creatures," said the Senator. "I make them lie
+with me sometimes, for I am very tired of the ladies of the town, of
+their coquetries, of their jealousies, of their quarrels, of their
+humours, of their pettinesses, of their prides, of their follies, and of
+the sonnets which one must make, or have made, for them. But after all,
+these two girls begin to weary me."
+
+After breakfast, Candide walking into a long gallery was surprised by
+the beautiful pictures. He asked, by what master were the two first.
+
+"They are by Raphael," said the Senator. "I bought them at a great
+price, out of vanity, some years ago. They are said to be the finest
+things in Italy, but they do not please me at all. The colours are too
+dark, the figures are not sufficiently rounded, nor in good relief; the
+draperies in no way resemble stuffs. In a word, whatever may be said, I
+do not find there a true imitation of nature. I only care for a picture
+when I think I see nature itself; and there are none of this sort. I
+have a great many pictures, but I prize them very little."
+
+While they were waiting for dinner Pococurante ordered a concert.
+Candide found the music delicious.
+
+"This noise," said the Senator, "may amuse one for half an hour; but if
+it were to last longer it would grow tiresome to everybody, though they
+durst not own it. Music, to-day, is only the art of executing difficult
+things, and that which is only difficult cannot please long. Perhaps I
+should be fonder of the opera if they had not found the secret of making
+of it a monster which shocks me. Let who will go to see bad tragedies
+set to music, where the scenes are contrived for no other end than to
+introduce two or three songs ridiculously out of place, to show off an
+actress's voice. Let who will, or who can, die away with pleasure at the
+sight of an eunuch quavering the _role_ of Caesar, or of Cato, and
+strutting awkwardly upon the stage. For my part I have long since
+renounced those paltry entertainments which constitute the glory of
+modern Italy, and are purchased so dearly by sovereigns."
+
+Candide disputed the point a little, but with discretion. Martin was
+entirely of the Senator's opinion.
+
+They sat down to table, and after an excellent dinner they went into the
+library. Candide, seeing a Homer magnificently bound, commended the
+virtuoso on his good taste.
+
+"There," said he, "is a book that was once the delight of the great
+Pangloss, the best philosopher in Germany."
+
+"It is not mine," answered Pococurante coolly. "They used at one time to
+make me believe that I took a pleasure in reading him. But that
+continual repetition of battles, so extremely like one another; those
+gods that are always active without doing anything decisive; that Helen
+who is the cause of the war, and who yet scarcely appears in the piece;
+that Troy, so long besieged without being taken; all these together
+caused me great weariness. I have sometimes asked learned men whether
+they were not as weary as I of that work. Those who were sincere have
+owned to me that the poem made them fall asleep; yet it was necessary to
+have it in their library as a monument of antiquity, or like those rusty
+medals which are no longer of use in commerce."
+
+"But your Excellency does not think thus of Virgil?" said Candide.
+
+"I grant," said the Senator, "that the second, fourth, and sixth books
+of his _AEneid_ are excellent, but as for his pious AEneas, his strong
+Cloanthus, his friend Achates, his little Ascanius, his silly King
+Latinus, his bourgeois Amata, his insipid Lavinia, I think there can be
+nothing more flat and disagreeable. I prefer Tasso a good deal, or even
+the soporific tales of Ariosto."
+
+"May I presume to ask you, sir," said Candide, "whether you do not
+receive a great deal of pleasure from reading Horace?"
+
+"There are maxims in this writer," answered Pococurante, "from which a
+man of the world may reap great benefit, and being written in energetic
+verse they are more easily impressed upon the memory. But I care little
+for his journey to Brundusium, and his account of a bad dinner, or of
+his low quarrel between one Rupilius whose words he says were full of
+poisonous filth, and another whose language was imbued with vinegar. I
+have read with much distaste his indelicate verses against old women and
+witches; nor do I see any merit in telling his friend Maecenas that if he
+will but rank him in the choir of lyric poets, his lofty head shall
+touch the stars. Fools admire everything in an author of reputation. For
+my part, I read only to please myself. I like only that which serves my
+purpose."
+
+Candide, having been educated never to judge for himself, was much
+surprised at what he heard. Martin found there was a good deal of reason
+in Pococurante's remarks.
+
+"Oh! here is Cicero," said Candide. "Here is the great man whom I fancy
+you are never tired of reading."
+
+"I never read him," replied the Venetian. "What is it to me whether he
+pleads for Rabirius or Cluentius? I try causes enough myself; his
+philosophical works seem to me better, but when I found that he doubted
+of everything, I concluded that I knew as much as he, and that I had no
+need of a guide to learn ignorance."
+
+"Ha! here are four-score volumes of the Academy of Sciences," cried
+Martin. "Perhaps there is something valuable in this collection."
+
+"There might be," said Pococurante, "if only one of those rakers of
+rubbish had shown how to make pins; but in all these volumes there is
+nothing but chimerical systems, and not a single useful thing."
+
+"And what dramatic works I see here," said Candide, "in Italian,
+Spanish, and French."
+
+"Yes," replied the Senator, "there are three thousand, and not three
+dozen of them good for anything. As to those collections of sermons,
+which altogether are not worth a single page of Seneca, and those huge
+volumes of theology, you may well imagine that neither I nor any one
+else ever opens them."
+
+Martin saw some shelves filled with English books.
+
+"I have a notion," said he, "that a Republican must be greatly pleased
+with most of these books, which are written with a spirit of freedom."
+
+"Yes," answered Pococurante, "it is noble to write as one thinks; this
+is the privilege of humanity. In all our Italy we write only what we do
+not think; those who inhabit the country of the Caesars and the
+Antoninuses dare not acquire a single idea without the permission of a
+Dominican friar. I should be pleased with the liberty which inspires the
+English genius if passion and party spirit did not corrupt all that is
+estimable in this precious liberty."
+
+Candide, observing a Milton, asked whether he did not look upon this
+author as a great man.
+
+"Who?" said Pococurante, "that barbarian, who writes a long commentary
+in ten books of harsh verse on the first chapter of Genesis; that coarse
+imitator of the Greeks, who disfigures the Creation, and who, while
+Moses represents the Eternal producing the world by a word, makes the
+Messiah take a great pair of compasses from the armoury of heaven to
+circumscribe His work? How can I have any esteem for a writer who has
+spoiled Tasso's hell and the devil, who transforms Lucifer sometimes
+into a toad and other times into a pigmy, who makes him repeat the same
+things a hundred times, who makes him dispute on theology, who, by a
+serious imitation of Ariosto's comic invention of firearms, represents
+the devils cannonading in heaven? Neither I nor any man in Italy could
+take pleasure in those melancholy extravagances; and the marriage of Sin
+and Death, and the snakes brought forth by Sin, are enough to turn the
+stomach of any one with the least taste, [and his long description of a
+pest-house is good only for a grave-digger]. This obscure, whimsical,
+and disagreeable poem was despised upon its first publication, and I
+only treat it now as it was treated in its own country by
+contemporaries. For the matter of that I say what I think, and I care
+very little whether others think as I do."
+
+Candide was grieved at this speech, for he had a respect for Homer and
+was fond of Milton.
+
+"Alas!" said he softly to Martin, "I am afraid that this man holds our
+German poets in very great contempt."
+
+"There would not be much harm in that," said Martin.
+
+"Oh! what a superior man," said Candide below his breath. "What a great
+genius is this Pococurante! Nothing can please him."
+
+After their survey of the library they went down into the garden, where
+Candide praised its several beauties.
+
+"I know of nothing in so bad a taste," said the master. "All you see
+here is merely trifling. After to-morrow I will have it planted with a
+nobler design."
+
+"Well," said Candide to Martin when they had taken their leave, "you
+will agree that this is the happiest of mortals, for he is above
+everything he possesses."
+
+"But do you not see," answered Martin, "that he is disgusted with all he
+possesses? Plato observed a long while ago that those stomachs are not
+the best that reject all sorts of food."
+
+"But is there not a pleasure," said Candide, "in criticising
+everything, in pointing out faults where others see nothing but
+beauties?"
+
+"That is to say," replied Martin, "that there is some pleasure in having
+no pleasure."
+
+"Well, well," said Candide, "I find that I shall be the only happy man
+when I am blessed with the sight of my dear Cunegonde."
+
+"It is always well to hope," said Martin.
+
+However, the days and the weeks passed. Cacambo did not come, and
+Candide was so overwhelmed with grief that he did not even reflect that
+Paquette and Friar Giroflee did not return to thank him.
+
+
+
+
+XXVI
+
+OF A SUPPER WHICH CANDIDE AND MARTIN TOOK WITH SIX STRANGERS, AND WHO
+THEY WERE.[34]
+
+
+One evening that Candide and Martin were going to sit down to supper
+with some foreigners who lodged in the same inn, a man whose complexion
+was as black as soot, came behind Candide, and taking him by the arm,
+said:
+
+"Get yourself ready to go along with us; do not fail."
+
+Upon this he turned round and saw--Cacambo! Nothing but the sight of
+Cunegonde could have astonished and delighted him more. He was on the
+point of going mad with joy. He embraced his dear friend.
+
+"Cunegonde is here, without doubt; where is she? Take me to her that I
+may die of joy in her company."
+
+"Cunegonde is not here," said Cacambo, "she is at Constantinople."
+
+"Oh, heavens! at Constantinople! But were she in China I would fly
+thither; let us be off."
+
+"We shall set out after supper," replied Cacambo. "I can tell you
+nothing more; I am a slave, my master awaits me, I must serve him at
+table; speak not a word, eat, and then get ready."
+
+Candide, distracted between joy and grief, delighted at seeing his
+faithful agent again, astonished at finding him a slave, filled with the
+fresh hope of recovering his mistress, his heart palpitating, his
+understanding confused, sat down to table with Martin, who saw all these
+scenes quite unconcerned, and with six strangers who had come to spend
+the Carnival at Venice.
+
+Cacambo waited at table upon one of the strangers; towards the end of
+the entertainment he drew near his master, and whispered in his ear:
+
+"Sire, your Majesty may start when you please, the vessel is ready."
+
+On saying these words he went out. The company in great surprise looked
+at one another without speaking a word, when another domestic approached
+his master and said to him:
+
+"Sire, your Majesty's chaise is at Padua, and the boat is ready."
+
+The master gave a nod and the servant went away. The company all stared
+at one another again, and their surprise redoubled. A third valet came
+up to a third stranger, saying:
+
+"Sire, believe me, your Majesty ought not to stay here any longer. I am
+going to get everything ready."
+
+And immediately he disappeared. Candide and Martin did not doubt that
+this was a masquerade of the Carnival. Then a fourth domestic said to a
+fourth master:
+
+"Your Majesty may depart when you please."
+
+Saying this he went away like the rest. The fifth valet said the same
+thing to the fifth master. But the sixth valet spoke differently to the
+sixth stranger, who sat near Candide. He said to him:
+
+"Faith, Sire, they will no longer give credit to your Majesty nor to me,
+and we may perhaps both of us be put in jail this very night. Therefore
+I will take care of myself. Adieu."
+
+The servants being all gone, the six strangers, with Candide and Martin,
+remained in a profound silence. At length Candide broke it.
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "this is a very good joke indeed, but why should
+you all be kings? For me I own that neither Martin nor I is a king."
+
+Cacambo's master then gravely answered in Italian:
+
+"I am not at all joking. My name is Achmet III. I was Grand Sultan many
+years. I dethroned my brother; my nephew dethroned me, my viziers were
+beheaded, and I am condemned to end my days in the old Seraglio. My
+nephew, the great Sultan Mahmoud, permits me to travel sometimes for my
+health, and I am come to spend the Carnival at Venice."
+
+A young man who sat next to Achmet, spoke then as follows:
+
+"My name is Ivan. I was once Emperor of all the Russias, but was
+dethroned in my cradle. My parents were confined in prison and I was
+educated there; yet I am sometimes allowed to travel in company with
+persons who act as guards; and I am come to spend the Carnival at
+Venice."
+
+The third said:
+
+"I am Charles Edward, King of England; my father has resigned all his
+legal rights to me. I have fought in defence of them; and above eight
+hundred of my adherents have been hanged, drawn, and quartered. I have
+been confined in prison; I am going to Rome, to pay a visit to the King,
+my father, who was dethroned as well as myself and my grandfather, and I
+am come to spend the Carnival at Venice."
+
+The fourth spoke thus in his turn:
+
+"I am the King of Poland; the fortune of war has stripped me of my
+hereditary dominions; my father underwent the same vicissitudes; I
+resign myself to Providence in the same manner as Sultan Achmet, the
+Emperor Ivan, and King Charles Edward, whom God long preserve; and I am
+come to the Carnival at Venice."
+
+The fifth said:
+
+"I am King of Poland also; I have been twice dethroned; but Providence
+has given me another country, where I have done more good than all the
+Sarmatian kings were ever capable of doing on the banks of the Vistula;
+I resign myself likewise to Providence, and am come to pass the Carnival
+at Venice."
+
+It was now the sixth monarch's turn to speak:
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "I am not so great a prince as any of you;
+however, I am a king. I am Theodore, elected King of Corsica; I had the
+title of Majesty, and now I am scarcely treated as a gentleman. I have
+coined money, and now am not worth a farthing; I have had two
+secretaries of state, and now I have scarce a valet; I have seen myself
+on a throne, and I have seen myself upon straw in a common jail in
+London. I am afraid that I shall meet with the same treatment here
+though, like your majesties, I am come to see the Carnival at Venice."
+
+The other five kings listened to this speech with generous compassion.
+Each of them gave twenty sequins to King Theodore to buy him clothes and
+linen; and Candide made him a present of a diamond worth two thousand
+sequins.
+
+"Who can this private person be," said the five kings to one another,
+"who is able to give, and really has given, a hundred times as much as
+any of us?"
+
+Just as they rose from table, in came four Serene Highnesses, who had
+also been stripped of their territories by the fortune of war, and were
+come to spend the Carnival at Venice. But Candide paid no regard to
+these newcomers, his thoughts were entirely employed on his voyage to
+Constantinople, in search of his beloved Cunegonde.
+
+
+
+
+XXVII
+
+CANDIDE'S VOYAGE TO CONSTANTINOPLE.
+
+
+The faithful Cacambo had already prevailed upon the Turkish skipper, who
+was to conduct the Sultan Achmet to Constantinople, to receive Candide
+and Martin on his ship. They both embarked after having made their
+obeisance to his miserable Highness.
+
+"You see," said Candide to Martin on the way, "we supped with six
+dethroned kings, and of those six there was one to whom I gave charity.
+Perhaps there are many other princes yet more unfortunate. For my part,
+I have only lost a hundred sheep; and now I am flying into Cunegonde's
+arms. My dear Martin, yet once more Pangloss was right: all is for the
+best."
+
+"I wish it," answered Martin.
+
+"But," said Candide, "it was a very strange adventure we met with at
+Venice. It has never before been seen or heard that six dethroned kings
+have supped together at a public inn."
+
+"It is not more extraordinary," said Martin, "than most of the things
+that have happened to us. It is a very common thing for kings to be
+dethroned; and as for the honour we have had of supping in their
+company, it is a trifle not worth our attention."
+
+No sooner had Candide got on board the vessel than he flew to his old
+valet and friend Cacambo, and tenderly embraced him.
+
+"Well," said he, "what news of Cunegonde? Is she still a prodigy of
+beauty? Does she love me still? How is she? Thou hast doubtless bought
+her a palace at Constantinople?"
+
+"My dear master," answered Cacambo, "Cunegonde washes dishes on the
+banks of the Propontis, in the service of a prince, who has very few
+dishes to wash; she is a slave in the family of an ancient sovereign
+named Ragotsky,[35] to whom the Grand Turk allows three crowns a day in
+his exile. But what is worse still is, that she has lost her beauty and
+has become horribly ugly."
+
+"Well, handsome or ugly," replied Candide, "I am a man of honour, and it
+is my duty to love her still. But how came she to be reduced to so
+abject a state with the five or six millions that you took to her?"
+
+"Ah!" said Cacambo, "was I not to give two millions to Senor Don
+Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
+Governor of Buenos Ayres, for permitting Miss Cunegonde to come away?
+And did not a corsair bravely rob us of all the rest? Did not this
+corsair carry us to Cape Matapan, to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, to
+Petra, to the Dardanelles, to Marmora, to Scutari? Cunegonde and the old
+woman serve the prince I now mentioned to you, and I am slave to the
+dethroned Sultan."
+
+"What a series of shocking calamities!" cried Candide. "But after all, I
+have some diamonds left; and I may easily pay Cunegonde's ransom. Yet it
+is a pity that she is grown so ugly."
+
+Then, turning towards Martin: "Who do you think," said he, "is most to
+be pitied--the Sultan Achmet, the Emperor Ivan, King Charles Edward, or
+I?"
+
+"How should I know!" answered Martin. "I must see into your hearts to be
+able to tell."
+
+"Ah!" said Candide, "if Pangloss were here, he could tell."
+
+"I know not," said Martin, "in what sort of scales your Pangloss would
+weigh the misfortunes of mankind and set a just estimate on their
+sorrows. All that I can presume to say is, that there are millions of
+people upon earth who have a hundred times more to complain of than King
+Charles Edward, the Emperor Ivan, or the Sultan Achmet."
+
+"That may well be," said Candide.
+
+In a few days they reached the Bosphorus, and Candide began by paying a
+very high ransom for Cacambo. Then without losing time, he and his
+companions went on board a galley, in order to search on the banks of
+the Propontis for his Cunegonde, however ugly she might have become.
+
+Among the crew there were two slaves who rowed very badly, and to whose
+bare shoulders the Levantine captain would now and then apply blows from
+a bull's pizzle. Candide, from a natural impulse, looked at these two
+slaves more attentively than at the other oarsmen, and approached them
+with pity. Their features though greatly disfigured, had a slight
+resemblance to those of Pangloss and the unhappy Jesuit and Westphalian
+Baron, brother to Miss Cunegonde. This moved and saddened him. He looked
+at them still more attentively.
+
+"Indeed," said he to Cacambo, "if I had not seen Master Pangloss hanged,
+and if I had not had the misfortune to kill the Baron, I should think it
+was they that were rowing."
+
+At the names of the Baron and of Pangloss, the two galley-slaves uttered
+a loud cry, held fast by the seat, and let drop their oars. The captain
+ran up to them and redoubled his blows with the bull's pizzle.
+
+"Stop! stop! sir," cried Candide. "I will give you what money you
+please."
+
+"What! it is Candide!" said one of the slaves.
+
+"What! it is Candide!" said the other.
+
+"Do I dream?" cried Candide; "am I awake? or am I on board a galley? Is
+this the Baron whom I killed? Is this Master Pangloss whom I saw
+hanged?"
+
+"It is we! it is we!" answered they.
+
+"Well! is this the great philosopher?" said Martin.
+
+"Ah! captain," said Candide, "what ransom will you take for Monsieur de
+Thunder-ten-Tronckh, one of the first barons of the empire, and for
+Monsieur Pangloss, the profoundest metaphysician in Germany?"
+
+"Dog of a Christian," answered the Levantine captain, "since these two
+dogs of Christian slaves are barons and metaphysicians, which I doubt
+not are high dignities in their country, you shall give me fifty
+thousand sequins."
+
+"You shall have them, sir. Carry me back at once to Constantinople, and
+you shall receive the money directly. But no; carry me first to Miss
+Cunegonde."
+
+Upon the first proposal made by Candide, however, the Levantine captain
+had already tacked about, and made the crew ply their oars quicker than
+a bird cleaves the air.
+
+Candide embraced the Baron and Pangloss a hundred times.
+
+"And how happened it, my dear Baron, that I did not kill you? And, my
+dear Pangloss, how came you to life again after being hanged? And why
+are you both in a Turkish galley?"
+
+"And it is true that my dear sister is in this country?" said the Baron.
+
+"Yes," answered Cacambo.
+
+"Then I behold, once more, my dear Candide," cried Pangloss.
+
+Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to them; they embraced each other,
+and all spoke at once. The galley flew; they were already in the port.
+Instantly Candide sent for a Jew, to whom he sold for fifty thousand
+sequins a diamond worth a hundred thousand, though the fellow swore to
+him by Abraham that he could give him no more. He immediately paid the
+ransom for the Baron and Pangloss. The latter threw himself at the feet
+of his deliverer, and bathed them with his tears; the former thanked him
+with a nod, and promised to return him the money on the first
+opportunity.
+
+"But is it indeed possible that my sister can be in Turkey?" said he.
+
+"Nothing is more possible," said Cacambo, "since she scours the dishes
+in the service of a Transylvanian prince."
+
+Candide sent directly for two Jews and sold them some more diamonds, and
+then they all set out together in another galley to deliver Cunegonde
+from slavery.
+
+
+
+
+XXVIII
+
+WHAT HAPPENED TO CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, PANGLOSS, MARTIN, ETC.
+
+
+"I ask your pardon once more," said Candide to the Baron, "your pardon,
+reverend father, for having run you through the body."
+
+"Say no more about it," answered the Baron. "I was a little too hasty, I
+own, but since you wish to know by what fatality I came to be a
+galley-slave I will inform you. After I had been cured by the surgeon of
+the college of the wound you gave me, I was attacked and carried off by
+a party of Spanish troops, who confined me in prison at Buenos Ayres at
+the very time my sister was setting out thence. I asked leave to return
+to Rome to the General of my Order. I was appointed chaplain to the
+French Ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been eight days in this
+employment when one evening I met with a young Ichoglan, who was a very
+handsome fellow. The weather was warm. The young man wanted to bathe,
+and I took this opportunity of bathing also. I did not know that it was
+a capital crime for a Christian to be found naked with a young
+Mussulman. A cadi ordered me a hundred blows on the soles of the feet,
+and condemned me to the galleys. I do not think there ever was a greater
+act of injustice. But I should be glad to know how my sister came to be
+scullion to a Transylvanian prince who has taken shelter among the
+Turks."
+
+"But you, my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "how can it be that I behold
+you again?"
+
+"It is true," said Pangloss, "that you saw me hanged. I should have been
+burnt, but you may remember it rained exceedingly hard when they were
+going to roast me; the storm was so violent that they despaired of
+lighting the fire, so I was hanged because they could do no better. A
+surgeon purchased my body, carried me home, and dissected me. He began
+with making a crucial incision on me from the navel to the clavicula.
+One could not have been worse hanged than I was. The executioner of the
+Holy Inquisition was a sub-deacon, and knew how to burn people
+marvellously well, but he was not accustomed to hanging. The cord was
+wet and did not slip properly, and besides it was badly tied; in short,
+I still drew my breath, when the crucial incision made me give such a
+frightful scream that my surgeon fell flat upon his back, and imagining
+that he had been dissecting the devil he ran away, dying with fear, and
+fell down the staircase in his flight. His wife, hearing the noise,
+flew from the next room. She saw me stretched out upon the table with my
+crucial incision. She was seized with yet greater fear than her husband,
+fled, and tumbled over him. When they came to themselves a little, I
+heard the wife say to her husband: 'My dear, how could you take it into
+your head to dissect a heretic? Do you not know that these people always
+have the devil in their bodies? I will go and fetch a priest this minute
+to exorcise him.' At this proposal I shuddered, and mustering up what
+little courage I had still remaining I cried out aloud, 'Have mercy on
+me!' At length the Portuguese barber plucked up his spirits. He sewed up
+my wounds; his wife even nursed me. I was upon my legs at the end of
+fifteen days. The barber found me a place as lackey to a knight of Malta
+who was going to Venice, but finding that my master had no money to pay
+me my wages I entered the service of a Venetian merchant, and went with
+him to Constantinople. One day I took it into my head to step into a
+mosque, where I saw an old Iman and a very pretty young devotee who was
+saying her paternosters. Her bosom was uncovered, and between her
+breasts she had a beautiful bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones,
+ranunculus, hyacinths, and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet; I picked
+it up, and presented it to her with a profound reverence. I was so long
+in delivering it that the Iman began to get angry, and seeing that I was
+a Christian he called out for help. They carried me before the cadi, who
+ordered me a hundred lashes on the soles of the feet and sent me to the
+galleys. I was chained to the very same galley and the same bench as the
+young Baron. On board this galley there were four young men from
+Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks from Corfu, who told
+us similar adventures happened daily. The Baron maintained that he had
+suffered greater injustice than I, and I insisted that it was far more
+innocent to take up a bouquet and place it again on a woman's bosom than
+to be found stark naked with an Ichoglan. We were continually disputing,
+and received twenty lashes with a bull's pizzle when the concatenation
+of universal events brought you to our galley, and you were good enough
+to ransom us."
+
+"Well, my dear Pangloss," said Candide to him, "when you had been
+hanged, dissected, whipped, and were tugging at the oar, did you always
+think that everything happens for the best?"
+
+"I am still of my first opinion," answered Pangloss, "for I am a
+philosopher and I cannot retract, especially as Leibnitz could never be
+wrong; and besides, the pre-established harmony is the finest thing in
+the world, and so is his _plenum_ and _materia subtilis_."
+
+
+
+
+XXIX
+
+HOW CANDIDE FOUND CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN AGAIN.
+
+
+While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and Cacambo were relating
+their several adventures, were reasoning on the contingent or
+non-contingent events of the universe, disputing on effects and causes,
+on moral and physical evil, on liberty and necessity, and on the
+consolations a slave may feel even on a Turkish galley, they arrived at
+the house of the Transylvanian prince on the banks of the Propontis. The
+first objects which met their sight were Cunegonde and the old woman
+hanging towels out to dry.
+
+The Baron paled at this sight. The tender, loving Candide, seeing his
+beautiful Cunegonde embrowned, with blood-shot eyes, withered neck,
+wrinkled cheeks, and rough, red arms, recoiled three paces, seized with
+horror, and then advanced out of good manners. She embraced Candide and
+her brother; they embraced the old woman, and Candide ransomed them
+both.
+
+There was a small farm in the neighbourhood which the old woman
+proposed to Candide to make a shift with till the company could be
+provided for in a better manner. Cunegonde did not know she had grown
+ugly, for nobody had told her of it; and she reminded Candide of his
+promise in so positive a tone that the good man durst not refuse her. He
+therefore intimated to the Baron that he intended marrying his sister.
+
+"I will not suffer," said the Baron, "such meanness on her part, and
+such insolence on yours; I will never be reproached with this scandalous
+thing; my sister's children would never be able to enter the church in
+Germany. No; my sister shall only marry a baron of the empire."
+
+Cunegonde flung herself at his feet, and bathed them with her tears;
+still he was inflexible.
+
+"Thou foolish fellow," said Candide; "I have delivered thee out of the
+galleys, I have paid thy ransom, and thy sister's also; she was a
+scullion, and is very ugly, yet I am so condescending as to marry her;
+and dost thou pretend to oppose the match? I should kill thee again,
+were I only to consult my anger."
+
+"Thou mayest kill me again," said the Baron, "but thou shalt not marry
+my sister, at least whilst I am living."
+
+
+
+
+XXX
+
+THE CONCLUSION.
+
+
+At the bottom of his heart Candide had no wish to marry Cunegonde. But
+the extreme impertinence of the Baron determined him to conclude the
+match, and Cunegonde pressed him so strongly that he could not go from
+his word. He consulted Pangloss, Martin, and the faithful Cacambo.
+Pangloss drew up an excellent memorial, wherein he proved that the Baron
+had no right over his sister, and that according to all the laws of the
+empire, she might marry Candide with her left hand. Martin was for
+throwing the Baron into the sea; Cacambo decided that it would be better
+to deliver him up again to the captain of the galley, after which they
+thought to send him back to the General Father of the Order at Rome by
+the first ship. This advice was well received, the old woman approved
+it; they said not a word to his sister; the thing was executed for a
+little money, and they had the double pleasure of entrapping a Jesuit,
+and punishing the pride of a German baron.
+
+It is natural to imagine that after so many disasters Candide married,
+and living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the
+prudent Cacambo, and the old woman, having besides brought so many
+diamonds from the country of the ancient Incas, must have led a very
+happy life. But he was so much imposed upon by the Jews that he had
+nothing left except his small farm; his wife became uglier every day,
+more peevish and unsupportable; the old woman was infirm and even more
+fretful than Cunegonde. Cacambo, who worked in the garden, and took
+vegetables for sale to Constantinople, was fatigued with hard work, and
+cursed his destiny. Pangloss was in despair at not shining in some
+German university. For Martin, he was firmly persuaded that he would be
+as badly off elsewhere, and therefore bore things patiently. Candide,
+Martin, and Pangloss sometimes disputed about morals and metaphysics.
+They often saw passing under the windows of their farm boats full of
+Effendis, Pashas, and Cadis, who were going into banishment to Lemnos,
+Mitylene, or Erzeroum. And they saw other Cadis, Pashas, and Effendis
+coming to supply the place of the exiles, and afterwards exiled in their
+turn. They saw heads decently impaled for presentation to the Sublime
+Porte. Such spectacles as these increased the number of their
+dissertations; and when they did not dispute time hung so heavily upon
+their hands, that one day the old woman ventured to say to them:
+
+"I want to know which is worse, to be ravished a hundred times by negro
+pirates, to have a buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet among the
+Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an _auto-da-fe_, to be
+dissected, to row in the galleys--in short, to go through all the
+miseries we have undergone, or to stay here and have nothing to do?"
+
+"It is a great question," said Candide.
+
+This discourse gave rise to new reflections, and Martin especially
+concluded that man was born to live either in a state of distracting
+inquietude or of lethargic disgust. Candide did not quite agree to that,
+but he affirmed nothing. Pangloss owned that he had always suffered
+horribly, but as he had once asserted that everything went wonderfully
+well, he asserted it still, though he no longer believed it.
+
+What helped to confirm Martin in his detestable principles, to stagger
+Candide more than ever, and to puzzle Pangloss, was that one day they
+saw Paquette and Friar Giroflee land at the farm in extreme misery. They
+had soon squandered their three thousand piastres, parted, were
+reconciled, quarrelled again, were thrown into gaol, had escaped, and
+Friar Giroflee had at length become Turk. Paquette continued her trade
+wherever she went, but made nothing of it.
+
+"I foresaw," said Martin to Candide, "that your presents would soon be
+dissipated, and only make them the more miserable. You have rolled in
+millions of money, you and Cacambo; and yet you are not happier than
+Friar Giroflee and Paquette."
+
+"Ha!" said Pangloss to Paquette, "Providence has then brought you
+amongst us again, my poor child! Do you know that you cost me the tip of
+my nose, an eye, and an ear, as you may see? What a world is this!"
+
+And now this new adventure set them philosophising more than ever.
+
+In the neighbourhood there lived a very famous Dervish who was esteemed
+the best philosopher in all Turkey, and they went to consult him.
+Pangloss was the speaker.
+
+"Master," said he, "we come to beg you to tell why so strange an animal
+as man was made."
+
+"With what meddlest thou?" said the Dervish; "is it thy business?"
+
+"But, reverend father," said Candide, "there is horrible evil in this
+world."
+
+"What signifies it," said the Dervish, "whether there be evil or good?
+When his highness sends a ship to Egypt, does he trouble his head
+whether the mice on board are at their ease or not?"
+
+"What, then, must we do?" said Pangloss.
+
+"Hold your tongue," answered the Dervish.
+
+"I was in hopes," said Pangloss, "that I should reason with you a little
+about causes and effects, about the best of possible worlds, the origin
+of evil, the nature of the soul, and the pre-established harmony."
+
+At these words, the Dervish shut the door in their faces.
+
+During this conversation, the news was spread that two Viziers and the
+Mufti had been strangled at Constantinople, and that several of their
+friends had been impaled. This catastrophe made a great noise for some
+hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, returning to the little farm, saw
+a good old man taking the fresh air at his door under an orange bower.
+Pangloss, who was as inquisitive as he was argumentative, asked the old
+man what was the name of the strangled Mufti.
+
+"I do not know," answered the worthy man, "and I have not known the name
+of any Mufti, nor of any Vizier. I am entirely ignorant of the event you
+mention; I presume in general that they who meddle with the
+administration of public affairs die sometimes miserably, and that they
+deserve it; but I never trouble my head about what is transacting at
+Constantinople; I content myself with sending there for sale the fruits
+of the garden which I cultivate."
+
+Having said these words, he invited the strangers into his house; his
+two sons and two daughters presented them with several sorts of sherbet,
+which they made themselves, with Kaimak enriched with the candied-peel
+of citrons, with oranges, lemons, pine-apples, pistachio-nuts, and Mocha
+coffee unadulterated with the bad coffee of Batavia or the American
+islands. After which the two daughters of the honest Mussulman perfumed
+the strangers' beards.
+
+"You must have a vast and magnificent estate," said Candide to the Turk.
+
+"I have only twenty acres," replied the old man; "I and my children
+cultivate them; our labour preserves us from three great
+evils--weariness, vice, and want."
+
+Candide, on his way home, made profound reflections on the old man's
+conversation.
+
+"This honest Turk," said he to Pangloss and Martin, "seems to be in a
+situation far preferable to that of the six kings with whom we had the
+honour of supping."
+
+"Grandeur," said Pangloss, "is extremely dangerous according to the
+testimony of philosophers. For, in short, Eglon, King of Moab, was
+assassinated by Ehud; Absalom was hung by his hair, and pierced with
+three darts; King Nadab, the son of Jeroboam, was killed by Baasa; King
+Ela by Zimri; Ahaziah by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings
+Jehoiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were led into captivity. You know how
+perished Croesus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus,
+Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar, Pompey, Nero, Otho,
+Vitellius, Domitian, Richard II. of England, Edward II., Henry VI.,
+Richard III., Mary Stuart, Charles I., the three Henrys of France, the
+Emperor Henry IV.! You know----"
+
+"I know also," said Candide, "that we must cultivate our garden."
+
+"You are right," said Pangloss, "for when man was first placed in the
+Garden of Eden, he was put there _ut operaretur eum_, that he might
+cultivate it; which shows that man was not born to be idle."
+
+"Let us work," said Martin, "without disputing; it is the only way to
+render life tolerable."
+
+The whole little society entered into this laudable design, according to
+their different abilities. Their little plot of land produced plentiful
+crops. Cunegonde was, indeed, very ugly, but she became an excellent
+pastry cook; Paquette worked at embroidery; the old woman looked after
+the linen. They were all, not excepting Friar Giroflee, of some service
+or other; for he made a good joiner, and became a very honest man.
+
+Pangloss sometimes said to Candide:
+
+"There is a concatenation of events in this best of all possible worlds:
+for if you had not been kicked out of a magnificent castle for love of
+Miss Cunegonde: if you had not been put into the Inquisition: if you had
+not walked over America: if you had not stabbed the Baron: if you had
+not lost all your sheep from the fine country of El Dorado: you would
+not be here eating preserved citrons and pistachio-nuts."
+
+"All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our
+garden."
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] P. 2. The name Pangloss is derived from two Greek words signifying
+"all" and "language."
+
+[2] P. 8. The Abares were a tribe of Tartars settled on the shores of
+the Danube, who later dwelt in part of Circassia.
+
+[3] P. 15. Venereal disease was said to have been first brought from
+Hispaniola, in the West Indies, by some followers of Columbus who were
+later employed in the siege of Naples. From this latter circumstance it
+was at one time known as the Neapolitan disease.
+
+[4] P. 19. The great earthquake of Lisbon happened on the first of
+November, 1755.
+
+[5] P. 20. Such was the aversion of the Japanese to the Christian faith
+that they compelled Europeans trading with their islands to trample on
+the cross, renounce all marks of Christianity, and swear that it was not
+their religion. See chap. xi. of the voyage to Laputa in Swift's
+_Gulliver's Travels_.
+
+[6] P. 23. This _auto-da-fe_ actually took place, some months after the
+earthquake, on June 20, 1756.
+
+[7] P. 23. The rejection of bacon convicting them, of course, of being
+Jews, and therefore fitting victims for an _auto-da-fe_.
+
+[8] P. 24. The _San-benito_ was a kind of loose over-garment painted
+with flames, figures of devils, the victim's own portrait, etc., worn by
+persons condemned to death by the Inquisition when going to the stake on
+the occasion of an _auto-da-fe_. Those who expressed repentance for
+their errors wore a garment of the same kind covered with flames
+directed downwards, while that worn by Jews, sorcerers, and renegades
+bore a St. Andrew's cross before and behind.
+
+[9] P. 26. "This Notre-Dame is of wood; every year she weeps on the day
+of her _fete_, and the people weep also. One day the preacher, seeing a
+carpenter with dry eyes, asked him how it was that he did not dissolve
+in tears when the Holy Virgin wept. 'Ah, my reverend father,' replied
+he, 'it is I who refastened her in her niche yesterday. I drove three
+great nails through her behind; it is then she would have wept if she
+had been able.'"--Voltaire, _Melanges_.
+
+[10] P. 42. The following posthumous note of Voltaire's was first added
+to M. Beuchot's edition of his works issued in 1829; "See the extreme
+discretion of the author; there has not been up to the present any Pope
+named Urban X.; he feared to give a bastard to a known Pope. What
+circumspection! What delicacy of conscience!" The last Pope Urban was
+the eighth, and he died in 1644.
+
+[11] P. 45. Muley-Ismael was Emperor of Morocco from 1672 to 1727, and
+was a notoriously cruel tyrant.
+
+[12] P. 47. "Oh, what a misfortune to be an eunuch!"
+
+[13] P. 48. Carlo Broschi, called Farinelli, an Italian singer, born at
+Naples in 1705, without being exactly Minister, governed Spain under
+Ferdinand VI.; he died in 1782. He has been made one of the chief
+persons in one of the comic operas of MM. Auber and Scribe.
+
+[14] P. 53. Jean Robeck, a Swede, who was born in 1672, will be found
+mentioned in Rousseau's _Nouvelle Heloise_. He drowned himself in the
+Weser at Bremen in 1729, and was the author of a Latin treatise on
+voluntary death, first printed in 1735.
+
+[15] P. 60. A spontoon was a kind of half-pike, a military weapon
+carried by officers of infantry and used as a medium for signalling
+orders to the regiment.
+
+[16] P. 64. Later Voltaire substituted the name of the Father Croust for
+that of Didrie. Of Croust he said in the _Dictionnaire Philosophique_
+that he was "the most brutal of the Society."
+
+[17] P. 68. By the _Journal of Trevoux_ Voltaire meant a critical
+periodical printed by the Jesuits at Trevoux under the title of
+_Memoires pour servir a l'Historie des Sciences et des Beaux-Arts_. It
+existed from 1701 until 1767, during which period its title underwent
+many changes.
+
+[18] P. 76. It has been suggested that Voltaire, in speaking of red
+sheep, referred to the llama, a South American ruminant allied to the
+camel. These animals are sometimes of a reddish colour, and were notable
+as pack-carriers and for their fleetness.
+
+[19] P. 78. The first English translator curiously gives "a tourene of
+bouilli that weighed two hundred pounds," as the equivalent of "_un
+contour bouilli qui pesait deux cent livres_." The French editor of the
+1869 reprint points out that the South American vulture, or condor, is
+meant; the name of this bird, it may be added, is taken from "_cuntur_,"
+that given it by the aborigines.
+
+[20] P. 90. Spanish half-crowns.
+
+[21] P. 99. _Socinians_; followers of the teaching of Lalius and Faustus
+Socinus (16th century), which denied the doctrine of the Trinity, the
+deity of Christ, the personality of the devil, the native and total
+depravity of man, the vicarious atonement and eternal punishment. The
+Socinians are now represented by the Unitarians. _Manicheans_; followers
+of Manes or Manichaeus (3rd century), a Persian who maintained that there
+are two principles, the one good and the other evil, each equally
+powerful in the government of the world.
+
+[22] P. 107. In the 1759 editions, in place of the long passage in
+brackets from here to page 215, there was only the following: "'Sir,'
+said the Perigordian Abbe to him, 'have you noticed that young person
+who has so roguish a face and so fine a figure? You may have her for ten
+thousand francs a month, and fifty thousand crowns in diamonds.' 'I have
+only a day or two to give her,' answered Candide, 'because I have a
+rendezvous at Venice.' In the evening after supper the insinuating
+Perigordian redoubled his politeness and attentions."
+
+[23] P. 108. The play referred to is supposed to be "Le Comte d'Essex,"
+by Thomas Corneille.
+
+[24] P. 108. In France actors were at one time looked upon as
+excommunicated persons, not worthy of burial in holy ground or with
+Christian rites. In 1730 the "honours of sepulture" were refused to
+Mademoiselle Lecouvreur (doubtless the Miss Monime of this passage).
+Voltaire's miscellaneous works contain a paper on the matter.
+
+[25] P. 109. Elie-Catherine Freron was a French critic (1719-1776) who
+incurred the enmity of Voltaire. In 1752 Freron, in _Lettres sur
+quelques ecrits du temps_, wrote pointedly of Voltaire as one who chose
+to be all things to all men, and Voltaire retaliated by references such
+as these in _Candide_.
+
+[26] P. 111. Gabriel Gauchat (1709-1779), French ecclesiastical writer,
+was author of a number of works on religious subjects.
+
+[27] P. 112. Nicholas Charles Joseph Trublet (1697-1770) was a French
+writer whose criticism of Voltaire was revenged in passages such as this
+one in _Candide_, and one in the _Pauvre Diable_ beginning:
+
+    L'abbe Trublet avait alors le rage
+    D'etre a Paris un petit personage.
+
+[28] P. 120. Damiens, who attempted the life of Louis XV. in 1757, was
+born at Arras, capital of Artois (Atrebatie).
+
+[29] P. 120. On May 14, 1610, Ravaillac assassinated Henry VI.
+
+[30] P. 120. On December 27, 1594, Jean Chatel attempted to assassinate
+Henry IV.
+
+[31] P. 122. This same curiously inept criticism of the war which cost
+France her American provinces occurs in Voltaire's _Memoirs_, wherein he
+says, "In 1756 England made a piratical war upon France for some acres
+of snow." See also his _Precis du Siecle de Louis_ XV.
+
+[32] P. 123. Admiral Byng was shot on March 14, 1757.
+
+[33] P. 129. Commenting upon this passage, M. Sarcey says admirably:
+"All is there! In those ten lines Voltaire has gathered all the griefs
+and all the terrors of these creatures; the picture is admirable for its
+truth and power! But do you not feel the pity and sympathy of the
+painter? Here irony becomes sad, and in a way an avenger. Voltaire cries
+out with horror against the society which throws some of its members
+into such an abyss. He has his 'Bartholomew' fever; we tremble with him
+through contagion."
+
+[34] P. 142. The following particulars of the six monarchs may prove not
+uninteresting. Achmet III. (_b._ 1673, _d._ 1739) was dethroned in 1730.
+Ivan VI. (_b._ 1740, _d._ 1762) was dethroned in 1741. Charles Edward
+Stuart, the Pretender (_b._ 1720, _d._ 1788). Auguste III. (_b._ 1696,
+_d._ 1763). Stanislaus (_b._ 1682, _d._ 1766). Theodore (_b._ 1690, _d._
+1755). It will be observed that, although quite impossible for the six
+kings ever to have met, five of them might have been made to do so
+without any anachronism.
+
+[35] P. 149. Francois Leopold Ragotsky (1676-1735).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Typographical errors corrected in text:                    |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Page xiv: Chapter XIII heading in Table of Contents        |
+    | amended to match chapter heading on page 54.               |
+    | Page 2: metaphysicotheo-logico-cosmolo-nigology            |
+    | amended to metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology.        |
+    | Page 158: Liebnitz amended to Leibnitz.                    |
+    | Page 168: perserved amended to preserved.                  |
+    | Page 172: rougish amended to roguish; crows amended to     |
+    | crowns.                                                    |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Where there is an equal number of instances of a word      |
+    | being hyphenated and unhyphenated, both versions           |
+    | of the word have been retained: dung-hill/dunghill;        |
+    | and new-comers/newcomers.                                  |
+    |                                                            |
+    | A single footnote on page 90 has been moved                |
+    | to the endnotes, and the notes numbers re-indexed. A       |
+    | page reference was added to the moved footnote to          |
+    | match the format of other endnotes.                        |
+    |                                                            |
+    | Modern Library blurb: "mail complete list of titles" left  |
+    | as is.                                                     |
+    |                                                            |
+    | There are two instances of Massa Carara (pp. 43 and 45)    |
+    | and one instance of Massa-Carrara (page ix). As this       |
+    | latter is in the Introduction, i.e. distinct from the book |
+    | proper, it has been retained.                              |
+    |                                                            |
+    | The different spellings of Cunegonde (which occurs only    |
+    | in the Introduction) and Robeck (which occurs in the       |
+    | Notes [p. 170]; spelt Robek in the text [p. 53]) have      |
+    | been retained for the same reason.                         |
+    |                                                            |
+    +------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
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