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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/19966-8.txt b/19966-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da4ec88 --- /dev/null +++ b/19966-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4532 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Statesmen Snowbound, by Robert Fitzgerald + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Statesmen Snowbound + +Author: Robert Fitzgerald + +Illustrator: Wad el Ward + +Release Date: November 30, 2006 [EBook #19966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND *** + + + + +Produced by Brian Janes, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND + +_By_ ROBERT FITZGERALD + +_Illustrated by Wad-el-Ward_ + +New York and Washington +THE NEALE PUBLISHING COMPANY +1909 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER + + I. The Funeral + + II. Senator Bull and Mr. Ridley--Trials and Tribulations of the + Newly Fledged Member + + III. Colonel Manysnifters--An Outing with the "Jewels" + + IV. An Accident--Dinner + + V. Senator Bull's Story + + VI. Representative Holloway Has the Floor + + VII. Representative Van Rensselaer Unfolds a Strange Tale + + VIII. Senator Wendell Reads "The Creaking of the Stairs" + + IX. Senator Hammond's Experience + + X. Mr. Callahan's Story + + XI. What Happened to Denmead + + XII. O'Brien's Narrative + + XIII. An Uninvited Guest + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +Senator Bull and Sammy Ridley + +President Madison + +Senator Pennypacker + +Colonel Ross Addressing the Jury + +"Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!" + +The Kiss + +Manuel Villasante + +Papa Villasante + +"Upon each stair the clear impression of a naked human foot!" + +"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!" + +"Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous +one!" + +"Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving-picture shows" + +"Framed in the doorway stood one of the finest examples of the early +Gothic I have ever seen" + +Professor Habib + +An Uninvited Guest + + + + +The Statesmen Snowbound + + + + +I + +THE FUNERAL + + +Toward the close of the --th Congress I was designated a member of a +committee on the part of the House to accompany the remains of the late +Senator Thurlow to their last resting-place at the old home in Kentucky. +And it might be well to state here that I am quite aware that some of my +ungrateful countrymen apply the spiteful term "junket" to a journey of +this description. When one considers the sacrifices we Congressmen make +in order to serve the nation, it is hard to believe that unthinking +persons begrudge us a little pleasure. In many cases we give up all home +life, business interests, and personal comfort, and take up our abode in +second-rate hotels and boarding-houses. We are continually pestered and +annoyed by office-seekers, book-agents, cranks, and reporters; and, +alas, we form habits that cling like barnacles, try as hard as we may to +shake them off. A taste of public life is fatal to most men, and the +desire to feed from the public crib goes right to the bone. It is like a +cancer, and it is removed only with grave danger to the afflicted. +Everything, therefore, which may lighten our burdens and tend to relieve +the situation should be the aim and study of our constituents. But this +may be digression. + +The trip out was necessarily a quiet one, though a well-stocked buffet +kept the delegation from absolute depression. Leaving Washington early +in the afternoon we arrived at the little Kentucky town the next morning +about eleven o'clock, and found that we had yet some five miles to go +over bad roads to the homestead. We were met by two nephews of the +deceased, with a host of relatives and friends. The son, Albert Thurlow, +came on with us from Washington. There was ample accommodation in the +way of conveyances, and we proceeded slowly up into the higher country. +In something more than an hour the house was reached--a big home-like +structure, large enough for us all, and the entertainment most lavish. +The estate was an extensive one, and the innumerable outbuildings and +well-stocked barns gave evidence of wealth and thrift. A long drive +between rows of lofty poplars led to the main entrance, and the view +from the front of the house down to the river was superb. There were +servants in abundance, and nothing had been overlooked to insure our +comfort. The stables were the attraction for most of our party, and +several kings of the turf were brought out for inspection. We were taken +all over the place, and many things of interest were shown us. A Bible +and powder-horn, once the property of Daniel Boone, books with the +autograph of Henry Clay, duelling pistols, quaint and almost priceless +silver and china, and a rare collection of old prints and family +portraits. The walls in one room were fairly lined with cups, the +trophies of many a famous meet. + +And such whiskey! There is nothing like it in Washington, or in the +whole world, perhaps. A volume might be written in praise of that +mellow, golden fluid. There were many in our party who would gladly add +to this glowing testimony, and wax eloquent over the virtues of that +noble life-saver and panacea, referred to by our good hosts as "a little +something." Accustomed, as most of us were, to the stuff served over the +Washington bars, this was indeed well worth the trip out. + +Late February is not the time to see rural Kentucky at its best, and but +few signs of spring were visible. The day of the funeral dawned with +leaden skies, and a piercing wind from the north groaned in the +chimneys, and whistled through the leafless trees on the lawn. The +branches of a huge maple scraped and fretted against my windows and woke +me several times during the night. At an early hour a servant was piling +high the fire, and the room was soon bathed in a cheerful glow, the logs +cracking and sputtering merrily. I parted the curtains of my large +old-fashioned bed, slipped to the floor feeling very well and fit, and +glanced curiously about me. Every appointment of the room was long out +of date, but nevertheless made for snugness and comfort. The lover of +antique furniture would surely revel here. I do not know what would +delight him most; the high-post bed, the dressing-table, the chest of +drawers, or the old clock on the mantel. The sheets and hangings smelled +faintly of lavender, the walls were papered with landscapes in which +pretty shepherdesses, impossible sheep, and garlands of roses +predominated,--a style much in vogue in the early forties,--indeed the +room seemed as if it had been closed and laid away by a tidy housewife +years before, and opened and aired for my reception but yesterday. An +illumined text,--a "Jonah under his Gourd," elaborately worked in +colored silks,--a smirking likeness of "The Father of his Country," and +an equally self-satisfied looking portrait of Mrs. W. hung in prominent +places. + +There was a gentle tap on the door, and an ancient darky entered, with a +tall glass of whipped-cream punch, light as a feather, and as delicate +as thought. Then, breakfast, in a long, low-ceilinged room on the ground +floor, with a blazing fire at each end, a pickaninny gravely watchful +over both. Only the male members of the family were at the meal, which +was a solemn festival as befitting a house of mourning. + +At ten o'clock the funeral procession left the mansion and slowly wound +its way along a rough road to a little weather-beaten church a mile or +so distant. It was set well back from the highway in the shadow of tall +pines, and looked lonely and uncared-for. In the churchyard were a few +scattered tombstones, moss-grown, and very much awry. The graves were +unkempt and sunken, and weeds and poison ivy struggled for the mastery. +The day was bitterly cold, with an occasional flurry of snow; but, in +spite of that, an immense crowd had gathered. The church and churchyard +were filled to overflowing. It was the largest collection of queer +looking people, horses, and "fixes" I have ever seen. The services were +brief, but most impressive, and it must have been a trying ordeal for +the aged clergyman, an old friend of the deceased. Several times his +voice faltered, and he seemed about to break down. The coffin was borne +to the grave by six stalwart negroes, laborers on the estate. A lad +followed, leading poor Thurlow's favorite horse. Then the widow and her +son, the relatives, friends, and family servants. A fine male quartet +sang "Nearer, my God, to Thee," and a soul-stirring contralto, "Asleep +in Jesus." Tears stood in the eyes of all, the negroes weeping openly +and uncontrollably. As the grave was filled in, the snow began to fall +in real earnest, gusts of wind lashing the pines into fury. It was the +beginning of a three days' blizzard long to be remembered in that +country. + +Returning to the warmth and comfort of the homestead, we found a vast +array of eatables and drinkables; every one was welcomed, but +notwithstanding the unusual number of guests, all was well-ordered and +decorous. The Thurlows and their numerous clan are a fine-looking folk; +the men, sturdy, well set-up--a fighting people, yet generous, kindly +and hospitable. The women--gracious, lovely, and altogether charming. +Beyond the universally cherished idea of beautiful women, blooded +horses, and blue grass, my knowledge of Kentucky had been rather vague. +My information had been derived chiefly from my experience on various +Election Committees, where moonshiners, mountain feuds, and +double-barrelled shot guns played prominent parts. Commonwealths, like +communities, are advertised most widely by the _evils_ in their midst; a +fact which jolts the reformer and drives the optimist to drink. The +lordly manner of living, the immense estates, and the magnificent +hospitality of our hosts, was a revelation to me; and an occasional +reference by one of the older servants to the grandeur of antebellum +days indicated a condition of even greater splendor and luxury. But the +cruel hand of war had devastated and impoverished the country, the +slaves were freed, and the land for years lay untilled and neglected. +Marse Henry, the head of the house, was killed in almost the first +battle of the war. Marse Breckinridge died, a prisoner in Fort Warren, +and now Marse Preston had followed them to the land of shadows. Uncle +Eph'm, himself, was getting very feeble and helpless, and it would not +be long before he joined his loved ones on the other shore. De good ole +times were gone forever! + +It was with regret that I left this attractive home, and I gladly +accepted an invitation to return in the fall for the shooting. For the +shooting, indeed! Why, _that_ was all over! Dan Cupid never aimed truer! +My wife--a Kentuckian--says that I will never shine as a Nimrod, but it +seems to me that I have had pretty fair success in that rôle. + + + + +II + +SENATOR BULL AND MR. RIDLEY--TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE NEWLY +FLEDGED MEMBER. + + +Again on the train, our troubles were over, and we pulled out of the +station amid cheers and yells from hundreds of throats--an odd contrast +to the mournful silence of the throng upon our arrival. + +In our party were Senators Baker, of Kentucky; Bull, of Montana; +Wendell, of Massachusetts; Hammond, of Michigan; Pennypacker, of West +Virginia; and Congressmen Holloway, of Illinois; Manysnifters, of +Georgia; Van Rensselaer, of New York; a majority of the Kentucky +delegation, Mr. Ridley, Senator Bull's private secretary, and several +newspaper men. + +Senator Bull is seventy, tall and massive. His features are striking--a +big nose, heavy, grizzled mustache, bushy brows emphasizing eyes blue +and kindly, a wide mouth, tobacco-stained, with a constant movement of +the jaws--bovine, but shrewdly ruminative. A leonine head of shaggy +white hair crowns the whole. Ridley, the private secretary, is about the +same age. He is a ruddy-cheeked, round-paunched little fellow, scarcely +measuring up to the Senator's shoulder. The thin fringe of hair around +his shining pate gives him the appearance of a jolly friar. He peers at +you through gold-rimmed spectacles, and is quite helpless without them. +He has been with Senator Bull for years, serving him faithfully in +various capacities, and is now a partner in the enterprises which have +made the Senator many times a millionaire. The title of "private +secretary" is one of courtesy merely, and seems to highly amuse the two +friends. + +[Illustration: Senator Bull and Sammy Ridley.] + +At nightfall we had left the storm behind us, and were speeding over the +mountains. The sunlight, lingering on the higher peaks, cast great +shadows into the depths beyond. There had been much snow all winter, and +the summits sparkled and shone out dazzlingly, then went pink and +crimson and purple as the radiance slowly faded. The lamps had not been +lighted in the car, and most of us had gathered at the observation end, +impressed by the grandeur of it all, when the silence was broken by Mr. +Ridley. + +"That's a pretty sight, sure! It gives me a kind of solemn feeling all +over. The glory up there makes me think of dying, and heaven, and +angels, and all that," he said gravely. "That patch of light calls to +mind the fellows I know who climb the heights, and when they get near +the top the sunshine of prosperity, or fame, or notoriety, or whatever +you call it, strikes them and it wilts them, and they can't stand it for +long, so they fall back, and you don't hear of them any more. There're +others, though, who get up there and fairly bask in it all, walk around, +lie down, eat and sleep in it. _They_ can stand it, and, my, what big +shadows they throw!" + +"Well, well, well, Sammy Ridley, I never heard you talk like that +before," said Senator Bull; "it must have been that funeral to-day. Got +on your nerves, eh? Some folks are affected like that. Come away from +that window, boy, and get back to earth again." Thus urged, Mr. Ridley +got back to earth again, and took a drink of generous size. Several of +the delegation joined him. The movement seemed a popular one. + +The conversation then turned to the deceased, his many good qualities, +his probable successor in the Senate, and the bearing his death would +have upon the political situation in Kentucky. + +"We will miss him in the Senate," said Senator Wendell; "we will miss +his wise counsel, the broad statesmanlike views, and the kindly +personality that endeared him to us all. Thurlow was a great man, and +the State of Kentucky will no doubt erect a fitting memorial." + +"Yes," said Mr. Ridley, "I suppose they will. They ought to. It may be +some consolation to the family anyhow. But it is an empty sort of thing, +after all, when you come to think of it. A man's life and actions are +his best monument; those who loved him will never forget him, his +enemies will be sorry they spoke, and there will be something _more_ +than appropriate cut on his tombstone--that's certainly all a man should +want. What's the use of waiting for a fellow to die before immortalizing +him in marble or bronze? It is small satisfaction to him personally. Why +not put up a statue while he is living, and let him have the pleasure of +walking past it with his wife and children on a fine Sunday afternoon +when all the folks are out?" + +"There is a rich vein of truth in what you say, Sammy," said Senator +Bull; "but you are alive and well, and it is almost impossible for you +to take a dead man's view of the situation." + +"I don't know but what you are right, Senator," observed Mr. Ridley +thoughtfully, and the group relapsed into silence. + +"You are a Southern man, I believe, Mr. Ridley," said Representative Van +Rensselaer a few minutes later, as they touched glasses. + +"I _was_ one, sir, very much of one; that's why I am limping around now. +I was in the Confederate Army, up to the fall of sixty-three, and then I +was taken prisoner." + +"So you have had a taste of Union prisons, eh?" asked Senator Baker, who +spoke feelingly--his "Recollections of Johnson's Island" had just made +its appearance. + +"Just a leetle might of a taste, Senator; nothing like your experience, +though. You see, it was this way with me. I was captured by a pretty +good sort of a fellow--a big, husky, soft-hearted chap who wouldn't hurt +a flea. That's him over there," pointing to Senator Bull, "and he has +held me prisoner ever since. He ran up against me at Chickamauga." + +"Well?" said Senator Baker expectantly. + +"Tell them the whole story, Sammy," said Senator Bull, as several of the +party drew their chairs up closer to the private secretary; "tell them +the whole story; it will kill time, anyway." + +"Yes," continued Mr. Ridley, "I was taken prisoner, and it all came of +my foolishness and scorn for the enemy. We boys of the --th Arkansas +thought any Johnny Reb could whip five Yanks, and it made us kind of +careless-like, I reckon. I was a raw country lad when the war broke out, +as tough a specimen as ever Jefferson County turned loose on the +unsuspecting public, but I wasn't much worse than the rest of the boys +who loafed around Todd's livery stable swapping lies, chawing tobacco, +and setting the nation to rights. We were all full of fight when the +Sumter news came, and anxious to get in it; and I saw a heap of it, too, +before I made the acquaintance of Nathan Bull. + +"There was some lively skirmishing on the morning of September +twentieth, sixty-three, before the armies got together in earnest. It +was real comical to see the boys tearing up their love-letters and +playing-cards just before going into battle. The roads and fields were +speckled with the scraps just like a snowfall on the stage, as I reckon +all of you have seen in plays like 'Alone in London,' and the 'Banker's +Daughter.' It was in one of those preliminary set-tos that somehow my +company strayed away, and left me up in the woods with a bullet in my +leg. I was looking around for some place where I could lie down and +nurse myself a bit, and at the same time keep clear of the shells and +other things flying around. The air was full of them--making a noise +like 'Whar-izz-yer?' 'Whar-izz-yer?' Haven't you often heard that sound, +Senator? Some poor devil hears it once _too_ often, every now and then, +doesn't he? + +"It was very hot and dusty, and I was plumb crazy for water. Somehow I +managed to work my way out to a big clear space on the side of the hill. +The brush and weeds were up to your neck. At the foot of the hill was a +piece of marshy land where there had once been a spring. It had long +since dried up, but there were patches of greenish water here and there. +I threw myself on the ground, and my, how good that nasty-looking water +tasted! Then I bathed my face and hands in it. I heard a man over to my +right shout out that General Hood had been killed; and in a minute or so +two of our officers dashed out of the timber, coming my way, riding for +dear life, and nearly trampling me. Meanwhile, the battle seemed to be +raging all around me. Most of the heavy fighting that day was done in +the woods, and the losses were big on both sides. Well, I dragged myself +to a little clump of sassafras, not caring much whether I lived or died, +I was that played out, and my leg burning and stinging just as though it +was being touched up with a red-hot poker. I had been there about +fifteen minutes when a blue-coat rose up in front of me--right out of +the ground it seemed--and says, very fierce, 'You're my prisoner!' He +was a young fellow, about my age, and didn't look at all dangerous. I +just wished that leg of mine had been all right, I would have given him +his money's worth, I tell you! But it wasn't any use. I couldn't stir +for the misery. + +"'You're my prisoner,' he says again, louder'n before. + +"'All right,' says I, 'I'm willing,' seeing there wasn't anything else +to say, and putting a free and easy face on it. + +"'Get up, then, and come along with me,' says he. I pointed to my leg, +and tried to grin. He saw the curious way it was lying--all twisted +up--and the big red splotch on my trousers, and says, as if imparting +information, 'You're hurt, man, badly hurt. Keep perfectly still,' which +seemed to be unnecessary, as that was the onliest thing I could do +anyhow. 'I'll get you out of this. Now, brace up,' and he knelt down, +and held out his canteen. I tried to take it, but the effort was too +much for me. 'Poor chap, he's gone,' I heard him say, and then I faded +away. When I came to--a minute later it seemed to me--I was in a Yankee +hospital; a big tent full of men groaning and dying, and doctors running +this way and that with bottles, and bandages, and knives; and the +cussing, and the screaming, and the smells! It makes me sick to think of +it, even now. It was hell! I know you don't want to hear about the time +I spent there, and in another place like it, tossing and groaning +through the long days and nights; and when I got nearly well again, +about my life in prison, and my parole. Nathan fixed that, and I walked +out a free man, limping a little, just as I've done ever since. Nathan +hadn't forgotten the Reb he had taken prisoner, and when I went back to +Pine Bluff, poorer'n a rat, and no prospects to speak of, he gave me my +start in life. He sent me with a letter to his folks in Illinois, and +when I got there they gave me work to do, and treated me like one of +their own. They certainly were white to me. When Nathan came home after +the war, he cal'lated that Illinois was too far east for him, so after a +few years we packed up our duds, and 'migrated out to Montana. There +we've been ever since. That's my story, and it ain't a very startling +one after all, is it?" + +"And it is true--every word of it," said Senator Bull warmly. "Sammy has +stuck by me through thick and thin. I don't believe I could have made +out without him. As a mine boss, store keeper, deputy sheriff, and +Indian fighter, we swear by him out our way. There is a fellow, +gentlemen, who calls a spade a spade, and oftener than not a _damned_ +spade!" + +"Don't take my character away, Nathan," expostulated Mr. Ridley humbly; +"give me a show. I'm an old man now, and all I've got left is my good +name, and a little something in the savings bank. Don't be hard on me." + +"Sammy," continued the Senator, unnoticing, "could have gone to Congress +if he had cared to. The Democrats were after him only year before last. +Their man won out hands down. Sammy declined the nomination. And that's +the only thing I have against Sammy Ridley. He is a Democrat. It's born +in him, just as some folks inherit a taste for liquor, and others come +into the world plumb crazy, and are satisfied to stay that way all their +lives. However, it is not as bad as it seems. They do say out in our +country that the firm of 'Bull and Ridley' is bound to get there, +because when the Republican party is in the saddle, and there's anything +to be had, it's 'Bull and Ridley,' and when the Democrats are on top, +it's 'Ridley and Bull,' and when the Populists come in we are going out +of business. So there may be some truth in it after all. What say you, +Sammy boy?" Mr. Ridley nodded gravely. "In Washington Sammy is invited +everywhere, but society is not his strong point. He won't get in the +swim." + +"I'd rather not be 'in the swim' than swim in dirty water," said the +private secretary brusquely. "But speaking of the Senator; _there_, +friends, is certainly an all-around heavy-weight." + +"Sammy, Sammy," said the Senator reproachfully. "I see you are getting +back at me. I didn't think it of you. No bouquets, if you please. As a +matter of fact, gentlemen, I feel that I am growing beautifully less +every day; I have noticed it ever since I came to Washington. I haven't +been in the Senate long enough to amount to anything, if I ever do. We +new people are only in demand when there is a vote to be taken. We are +put on minor committees, and are thankful for any crumbs that fall from +the great man's table. I am a very small spar in the ship of state. It +takes all the conceit out of a fellow when he finds how little he +amounts to in Washington. He leaves his own part of the world a giant, +puffed up with pride and importance; but the shrinking process begins as +soon as the train rolls out of the home depot. It comes on like an +attack of the ague--you are first hot, then cold, then colder still. You +shiver and shake----" + +"For drinks?" murmured one of the newspaper men absently. + +"Well--yes," replied the Senator, smiling. "I hadn't thought of that. +Very neatly put. Quite true. And, as I say, he shivers and shakes--for +drinks--loses, and loses--pays for them, and by the time he reaches +Washington he and his pocket-book are several sizes below normal." + +The humble attitude of this, one of America's wealthiest and most +influential men, was edifying but scarcely convincing. The newspaper men +looked at one another dubiously. Perhaps, they thought, when the +Senator's magnificent house in the West End was completed, and his wife +and daughters came over from Paris, the poor fellow would not be so +lonely and neglected. He was a fine man, and it seemed too bad that he +should be so side-tracked. + +"Quite true, Senator," agreed Representative Holloway, "and matters are +even worse in the House. There are more of us there, and the mere +individual is more dwarf-like than over in the Senate. We are treated +like a lot of naughty school-boys, and when we meekly beg leave 'to +speak out in meetin'' we are practically told to shut up and sit down. +The new comer is the victim of much quiet hazing on the part of his +colleagues,--ably aided and abetted by the Speaker,--but he soon learns +the ropes, and quickly effaces himself. He reserves his babble for the +cloak-room and hotel lobby; yet, to many of his constituents, he is +still a great man. There is no sadder sight in the world than the +newly-fledged Congressman in the throes of his maiden speech, delivered +to a half-filled House, busily reading the papers, talking, writing, or +absorbed in thought. An official stenographer, right under his nose, +wearily jots down the effort, and the real audience consists of a few +bored friends in the galleries who smile uneasily now and then, and +wonder what it is all about, and how long the blamed thing is going to +last. Anyway, he gets it in the Record for free distribution to +thousands of constituents, who read it, perhaps, and try to imagine why +'Applause' is tagged on to the finish." + +"A gloomy picture, but not overdrawn," sighed one of the Kentucky +delegation. "Here's looking at you, Holloway," he added, more +cheerfully, "here's looking at you." + + + + +III + +COLONEL MANYSNIFTERS--AN OUTING WITH THE "JEWELS" + + +Colonel Manysnifters, who had been quietly smoking a little apart from +the group, now drew up and joined us. He had been imbibing rather freely +since we left the station, but with the exception of a somewhat +suspicious silence, had shown no further effects of his efforts in +behalf of the Whiskey Trust. The Colonel's resemblance to Uncle Sam (as +popularly portrayed) was so striking that children taken to the Capitol +for the first time would shout with glee when he was pointed out to +them. Rural visitors went home satisfied that the country was safe--they +had seen Uncle Sam on hand, sober, and 'tending to business!' A friend +once said to him, "Manysnifters, you look so much like Uncle Sam that +whenever I see you on a jag I feel like this great nation of ours is +going to hell!" + +Georgia is the Colonel's native State, and he is proud of it, but I +imagine that some recent legislation down there has greatly upset him. +He looked rather downcast when I last saw him, and refused nourishment +either in solid or liquid form. And then he said, eyeing me solemnly, +"'Times is right porely down our way, boss. Things don't lap. De +chinquapin crap done gin out 'fore de simmons is ripe!' Now, boy, don't +ask me how things are going in my State. You know as much about it as I +do. Let the old man alone, won't you?" and so I left him. + +"Well, Colonel, how do you feel now?" asked Senator Bull solicitously. + +"Oh, I'm all right," replied the Colonel, suspicion lurking in his +tones. "I know what you think, Senator, but I am not. No, siree! I +_have_ had three or four small ones, but I am not 'lit' by a jugful! The +idea! Drunk on four high-balls! Why, they just clear my brain--drive the +fog out. Maybe it's the Scotch, maybe the soda. A fine combination, the +high-ball. I am as stupid as an owl when I am cold sober, but when I +drink, I soar! I feel like a lark with nothing between myself and the +sun except a little fresh air and exercise. Oh, there's nothing the +matter with me; any one can see that. + +"It's funny how small this world is, and how time flies. I supposed you +all noticed the tall, bald-headed man with the spectacles who ran up and +hugged me to-day. Ain't he the ugly one? His ma certainly did hand his +pa a lemon when he was born. Why, if I had been a long-lost brother he +could not have been gladder to see me. Well, I was glad to see him, too, +but the sight of him called up memories at once humiliating and +smile-provoking. Senator, may I trouble you to depress the business end +of that syphon? Thank you. Now, that fellow's name is Seymour--that's +why he wears specs, I suppose--and he rattles around in the chair of +Applied Science at Jay College, this State. Not much of an institution, +and still less of a job, I imagine, and poor Seymour's salary quite in +keeping. If there ever was any one deserving a Carnegie medal, Seymour +is the chap. He studied medicine once, and graduated high up, but he +never practised his profession! That's saving lives for you. Can you +beat it? + +"Well, Harry was a protégé, or something of the sort, of our late friend +Thurlow. And, as I said, I beheld his honest, glowing countenance with +mixed feelings. But it is a long story--a long story----" and the +Colonel paused as if seeking encouragement to proceed. + +It was forthcoming. + +"We would like very much to hear it," said Senator Wendell gravely; +"that is, of course, if it involves no sacrifice of your feelings. We +are all friends here, and will go at once into executive session. Let +all who have a story to tell, an anecdote to relate, or a joke to +perpetrate, feel free to do so. The galleries shall be cleared, and +reporters and the public excluded--metaphorically speaking," he added +hastily, turning to the newspaper men, who wore a pained expression, +"metaphorically speaking, of course." The skies journalistic cleared at +once, and then Colonel Manysnifters, a born diplomat, whispered to the +waiting porter, who nodded knowingly, and disappeared. + +"Senator, I thank you. You relieve the situation. I am a modest man, +sir, and hesitate to talk about myself even among friends; but since you +all insist, there is nothing for me to do but yield as gracefully as I +may--and as a yielder I glitter in the front rank. My experience, +gentlemen, was a peculiar one, and I think it will hold you for a while. + +"It was during that never-to-be-forgotten session of Congress which +lasted almost up to the time for getting together again. Cleveland was +on the thro--in the White House, I mean--and I was looking after things +up at the big building on Capitol Hill. + +"One day in the latter part of June, when the sun was firing up for a +real old-fashioned Washington summer, and the thermometer about four +degrees below Jackson City, a number of my constituents came on to see +me, and after we had transacted certain important business I undertook +to show the boys the town; and in the party was this fellow, Professor +Seymour. + +"We started out one broiling afternoon upon our giddy round of pleasure, +and, after keeping up the festivities all night and a portion of the +next day, I became separated from my friends in some unaccountable way, +and toward evening found myself wandering down town near the wharves. It +was very dusty and close, and the temperature a slice of Hades served up +on a hot plate. There was no need for matches, all you had to do was to +put your unlighted cigar in your mouth and puff away. I was trying hard +to remember why I had on glasses,--they were of no use in the world to +me,--and I was also much astonished to find that I was wearing Seymour's +coat and hat, the latter a typical western slouch, broad-brimmed and +generous. I also sported a tie loud enough to frighten an automobile. +After pondering awhile upon this remarkable state of affairs, the +thought arose so far as I knew I might be Seymour myself! I was +strangely befuddled by the adventures of the past twenty-four hours, and +it was not long before I began to seriously argue with myself that I +_was_ Seymour,--undoubtedly Seymour,--indeed, why should I not be +Seymour as well as any one else? This masterly line of reason settled +it. I _was_ Seymour, and as an instructor and guide of youth I felt that +I ought to be thoroughly ashamed of myself for flocking with the +dissipated crowd I had just left. Acting upon this elevating thought, I +braced up considerably, assumed an air of virtue, and not knowing +exactly what to do next, joined a throng of people who were jostling one +another in their efforts to get on a steamboat. A sail, I fancied, would +do me no end of good, and as the ticket seller assured me with a smile +that the boat was perfectly safe and would return in a few hours, I went +aboard with the rest of the fools, children, and old folks. This I +accomplished after barely escaping a plunge into the river from what +struck me as being an exceedingly narrow gang-plank. + +"The band struck up one of Sousa's lively marches, a hoarse whistle +sounded, the boat trembled all over, and we were off. As the _Charles +Auchester_ glided out into the stream, two young women with camp stools +in their hands pushed through the crowd at the entrance to the hurricane +deck--an elevation I had succeeded in attaining--and took their seats +near a life-raft upon which I reclined, Cleopatra-like. + +"'Oh, aren't these excursions perfectly lovely, Ruby?' said the taller +of the pair, taking off her hat and dropping it in her lap. + +"'Yes, and so cheap. All the way to Indian Head and back for a quarter. +It's a godsend for us poor tired folks who have to stay in town all +summer. And you know what that means, don't you, Pearl?' + +"'Oh, yes, but don't let's talk about it,' said the other fretfully. 'I +try not even to think of what we will have to go through. What good does +it do to fuss over things we can't help?' + +"'That's right, dear,' said her companion, 'and it doesn't pay to look +far ahead, either, if one wants to be happy. I never do.' + +"They were pretty and quite well dressed, these two maidens. As to their +being without a male escort, I rather admired their sturdy independence. +Everything about them bespoke refinement, and yet the very next remark +from the girl called Ruby sent a shiver through my sensitive frame, and +caused my hastily formed but favorable opinion of the pair to change +color. + +"'I'd give anything, Pearl, if Will and the other fellows were here. +They always buy, and I've got an awful thirst on me.' + +"'We might have some beer, anyway,' mildly suggested Pearl, and a flying +waiter took the order. + +"'I guess we can pick up something on the boat,' remarked Ruby; who, by +the way, was good to look at--a black-eyed lass with regular features +and lots of pink and white complexion. Pearl, languidly sipping her +beer, nodded in the affirmative. This person, evidently the younger of +the two, had a babyish face, big innocent blue eyes, and a profusion of +fluffy yellow hair. She did not appeal as much to my sense of the +beautiful as the dark one did; but I have always been partial to +brunettes. She told me later that she was twenty--which figure was +enough for me to know, I suppose. Oh, I understand women. They are an +open book to me. + +"About eight o'clock the moon, immense and crimson, came up from behind +the Maryland hills, and cast a lurid path upon the wavelets. The girls, +or rather the 'Jewels,' as I have since learned to think of them, +huddled closer together, with a not too capacious shawl around them, for +the wind was freshening considerably. For a while I stopped looking at +them, being interested in the little stunts that are done on the boat as +it passes Mount Vernon. The tolling of the bell and the dirge by the +band absorbed all my attention. + +"It was not long, though, before I began to feel that I was the object +of very earnest scrutiny on the part of an individual or individuals +nearby. Turning suddenly, I met the basilisk gaze of Pearl and Ruby. +Their dreadful remark came to me with crushing force. They had begun, as +they coarsely put it, 'to pick up something.' Lobster-like, finding +myself in hot water, I turned several beautiful shades of red +immediately. I became terror-stricken--I, the dignified Professor of +Applied Science at Jay College, Kentucky! All my innate modesty began to +assert itself; and is not this the surest protection of the innocent? I +arose and fled. + +"Unfortunately, while retreating, I looked back, simply to see how the +shameless creatures were affected by my departure. Oh, fatal curiosity! +They must have considered my backward glance an invitation to follow, +for they did so with alacrity. That accursed backward glance! Lot's +wife--you know the story. + +"However, I saw that I was in for it, so just before reaching the steps +leading to the bar, I resolutely faced my pursuers and stood at bay. +They bore down upon me like ships that pass--no, I won't say that. + +"'You sweet thing,' chirped Ruby, 'it knew how thirsty we were, didn't +it? I don't care if it isn't the youngest baby at the christening, it's +just all skeeky; so there!' This speech was delivered in gentle tones, +but loud enough to be heard by several bystanders, who snickered +disagreeably. + +"'Yes, popper,' joined in Pearl warmly, 'do buy us a drink.' + +"'Yes, popper!' I could have slapped her! Heavens! Did I look as old as +that? I was aghast, for I have always prided myself upon my youthful +appearance. + +"'If you call me "popper" again,' said I in a savage undertone, 'I will +throw you overboard! Do you hear? How dare you speak to me anyway? I +have a great mind to call an officer! Come now, girls,' I added in a +milder strain, aware of the helplessness of the situation, 'let's go +below; and keep quiet, do. I will buy the drinks.' + +"Then in sheer self-defense I ordered beer, then more beer, then +cocktails, then I don't know what--Pearl asked the waiter to bring it--a +queer greenish-yellow stuff which quickly overpowered me. When the vile +mixture had gotten in its handiwork the Jewels seemed highly satisfied, +and laughed gleefully. A few moments later I was introduced to a +'gentleman friend' of theirs whom they fished out of the crowd. He was a +flashily dressed youth who insisted upon another drink--and another--at +my expense. After that I have a faint recollection of getting off the +boat upon its return to Washington, and of being hustled into a +night-liner, the Jewels and their pal nobly standing by me. We jogged +along for miles, Ruby singing at the top of her voice and the gentleman +friend joining in at the chorus. Pearl's head was bent over, wobbly +fashion. She was either asleep, or lost in deep thought. I have also a +dim recollection of the vehicle coming to an abrupt halt, and a head +thrust in at the window, saying pointedly that if we did not make less +noise he would run the whole blanketty-blank gang in. This made me mad, +and I wanted to fight the stranger then and there; but my warlike +purpose was frustrated by the Jewels and their friend, who flung +themselves upon me, wisely detaining me. The end of our journey was +reached soon afterwards and our little party rolled out. + +"I was then dragged up an apparently endless flight of steps, and into +the vestibule of a large old-fashioned house, once the stately residence +of a famous man, but now given over to the undesirable class of persons +into whose clutches I had fallen. An aged negress tugged at an immense +paneled door, and let us into a wide hall, at the end of which a lamp +burned feebly. Then we struggled up more stairs, and after many turnings +drew up before a shabbily furnished room. Into this I was rudely pushed, +and the door closed and locked upon me. I rocked about in the darkness, +grabbed the bed as it swung around for the third time, got a strangle +hold, and went right to sleep. From this I was awakened some hours later +by voices in the hall just outside. The transom over the door was open, +so I could hear pretty well all that was said. + +"'That's a good sort of haul you made to-night--nit!' growled a deep +bass. 'Ain't you afraid you'll get into trouble? That fellow in there is +Colonel Manysnifters. You've all heard of him--haven't yer? Why, he is +the biggest man in the House--a great swell--money to throw at the +birds; and he's been a throwin' it, hey?' said he of the voice, with a +chuckle; 'but he ain't no greenhorn, I can tell yer! The old sport can +make it powerful warm for us when he gets out of here!' + +"'Suppose he never gets out--not for a long time, anyway; and the +ransom--just think of the ransom!' joyously urged one of the Jewels, +whose voice I recognized. + +"'Oh, that sorter thing don't go now,' said the man; 'besides, the cop +who stopped yer awhile ago knows a thing or two. You can't work any +Turkish brigand racket here in Washington--the town's too small. Could +do it in New York, I suppose, but not down here. The game ain't worth +the candle, anyhow. The chap's blown in all he had about him. We've got +his scarf-pin and alarm clock, and that's all there is to it.' + +"'I guess you're right,' remarked the Jewel; 'but wait until Lola comes, +and see what she says.' + +"'So they think I am old Manysnifters,' thought I, trying to smile. +'That's real funny, ain't it? Oh, if he were only here now, wouldn't he +get me out of this?' And in my fancy I could see my husky friend +grappling with the gang outside, pitching them down the stairs, and +carrying me off in triumph--the way they do it in the best sellers. My +captors then went below, their voices trailing away into silence. They +left me with some nasty thoughts. + +"'What would the faculty of Jay think of their Seymour, could they but +gaze upon him now? What would my pupils say? The World, the great World +at large, the Press, the Pulpit?' (My brother is an Atlanta clergyman.) +'What would these great social forces say?' Confused ideas of my +identity and importance arose like fumes to further befuddle me. I sat +on the side, and in the middle of the bed, in despair--longing for +something to smoke! + +"The hours dragged slowly by, and yet Lola, Lola the mysterious, upon +whose decision so much depended, came not. + +"'Something must be done, and quickly,' thought I, and I started to get +up. But hark! I heard some one in the hall softly slip a key in the lock +of my door, and turn it with a creaking sound. The next moment a very +odd figure came into the room. 'Twas a little old woman, and as she +glided toward me I sank back on the couch quivering with terror! On, on, +she came, and lightly touched my forehead. + +"My first impulse was to shriek with affright; the impulse was all +right, but I just couldn't do it. I must have been paralyzed. I blew +first hot and then cold, and then stopped blowing altogether. + +"So there I lay, stark with fear. But my visitor seemed to be very +harmless. She drew up a chair by the side of the bed and took her seat, +muttering something I couldn't catch. Then she bent over me and I felt +her warm breath on my cheek!... + +"The situation had changed but slightly when I came to a little later. +She was talking. + +"'Marse Edwin, Marse Edwin, don't yer know yer ole black mammy? +Hush-sh-sh, chile, doan' answer me, 'cept in a whisper! I'se done come +fer to save yer! I nussed yer when yer was a little baby, and I promised +ole Missus always to look arter yer. De sojers is a huntin' fer yer, +Marse Edwin; dey's all eround us! Hush-sh-sh!' said she, as I attempted +to rise; 'lie still, honey, dey'll sartainly cotch yer if yer goes out +now! Dey's sentinils posted everywhar, and dey'll shoot you down like a +dog! My poor Marse Edwin,' she wailed, 'why did yer do it? Why did yer +do it? Why did yer kill him? He nebber done yer no harm. Why, Gawd bless +him, he done sot ole Mammy free! But dar ain't no use talkin' 'bout it +now!' She walked up and down the room several times, still muttering, +and then peered out of the window. Something in the street attracted +her. + +"'Hush-sh-sh, chile, now's de time! Git up quick, deary, but fer de +Lawd's sake doan' make no noise! Follow de ole woman--dis way.' I got up +at once and obeyed her. It was a ghastly sort of thing, this Marse Edwin +business, but I saw a chance of escape at the bottom of it. We went to +the lower part of the house on tip-toe, and the negress, opening the +street door, pushed me out into the cool dawn, saying with a shaking +voice, 'Run, Marse Edwin, run fer yer life! Watch out for de sojers! +Good-bye, Gawd bress you, my lam'!' And I ran, you bet. + +"Day was breaking when I found myself in the street, and as I emerged +from the slightly disreputable neighborhood where I had passed the night +I felt sure that a glance in the mirror would show me up a haggard, +white-haired wreck. The air was wonderfully reviving, though, and I felt +a subtle change stealing over me. An odd, pricking sensation, like one's +foot awakening from sleep, gradually took possession of me, and to my +horror I appeared to be separating from myself. Any one who has had that +feeling knows what it is. At one moment I was the Professor; the next, I +was undoubtedly Manysnifters! I found myself walking by the side of one; +then, in the twinkling of an eye, with the other. It was not long, +however, before I began to get tired of it, so just before I reached the +hotel I determined to decide once for all who I was. I felt that it was +important I should know. The decision was arrived at by a simple +expedient to which I invariably resort whenever I find my judgment +wavering. There is no patent on the thing, and I don't mind letting you +all into it. Fortunately, I still had my luck-piece--an ancient Roman +coin--with me. + +"'Now,' thought I, 'let the antique beer check decide it. I will cinch +this question by tossing up. If it falls heads, I am Manysnifters, and +if the reverse appears, I am the Professor. I will abide by the decree +of Fate.' + +"Up went the Denarius, striking the asphalt with a merry ring in its +fall. I bent eagerly over it, and lo, the image and superscription of +Caesar stared me in the face! + +"So I was Manysnifters after all, and this fact was further impressed +upon me an hour or so later by an enterprising office-seeker, to whom, +in my enfeebled state, I fell an easy prey--I endorsed his application +for the Nova Zembla consulship." + + + + +IV + +AN ACCIDENT--DINNER + + +Colonel Manysnifters's story was very thirst-provoking, and President +Madison, our grinning drink-mixer, had a busy half-hour of it. It was +now about seven o'clock and we were again overtaken by the storm, which +hurled itself upon us, fairly rocking the car in its violence. The +train, which had been proceeding slowly and jerkily, now came to a full +stop. An avalanche of snow, earth, and loose stones had fallen at the +end of a deep cut. Had we been going at any speed an awful catastrophe +would have resulted. As it was we were barely moving when we ran into +the obstruction. It would be hours before the track could be cleared, +and there was no relief in sight. Fortunately, we were well provisioned, +and could stand a siege of a day or so in any event. The brakeman set +out on his long, hard journey to the nearest telegraph station, swinging +his lantern, and swearing picturesquely. Every precaution was taken to +guard the train against further accident. Our party accepted the +inevitable philosophically. Dinner was announced, and amid the good +things provided by our chef we soon forgot our mishap. + +[Illustration: President Madison.] + +"Now, gentlemen," said Colonel Manysnifters genially, between the soup +and fish, "let's cut out golf, religion, baseball, and politics, and get +down to serious subjects. Senator, what is the best poker hand you ever +held?" + +Senator Wendell, thus addressed, said, with a far-away look in his eyes, +"Let me see, let me see. Oh, I remember now; it happened twice--three +times--or was it three times? Twice I will swear to." + +"How's that?" + +"I say it happened twice; I am positive of it--and before the draw, +too." + +"Who was dealing?" asked the Colonel eagerly. + +"Poker stories barred," said Senator Baker sternly. "Remember, +gentlemen, that this is a non-partisan gathering; not only that, but +some of us know absolutely nothing about the game. And yet, and yet," +said he thoughtfully, as if to himself, "it _is_ a fascinating subject. +Why, on one occasion,--I will never forget it,--being right under the +guns, I passed without looking at my hand. The man next to me opened the +pot, and all the rest stayed. I picked up my cards carelessly, and +imagine my delight when I found that I had----" + +"Senator, Senator," said Van Rensselaer reproachfully, "I am surprised. +I didn't think you would go back on the sentiments you so warmly +espoused a few moments ago. Let us avoid so agitating a topic. +Personally," continued he, slowly and dreamily, as if going into a +trance, "I have no objection to the game. I have played it myself, +though I do not pose as an expert. Coming over on the steamer last +summer--'twas the night before we landed--the game was steep, painfully +steep, and nothing friendly about it, with the lid off finally. I was +about two thousand to the bad,--it was the consolation round, ending +with and up to me,--my deal, and the fellows counting and stacking their +chips preparatory to cashing in. I doled the papes with deliberation, +and a saddened soul, and skinned my hand carefully. They were +hearts--all but one. A seven, four, six, five and a trey of clubs. +That's the way they came to me. A nice little straight, but apparently +not nice enough. All the fellows stayed, and there was considerable +hoisting before the draw. Then the man next to me took one card; the +Englishman with the monocle, two; General Thomas, one; the fat man from +Cincinnati, three (to his aces), and Doctor McNab stood pat; and then +discarding the trey of clubs--foolhardy, very foolhardy, but I did it--I +dealt myself one--the eight of hearts! My, how good I felt! The battle +was on! Backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, until one by one +the players dropped out, leaving the Doctor and myself to settle it. +Doctor McNab saw my three thousand and raised me five. + +"Five better," said I. + +"Back at you," said he; the others in the meanwhile keeping tab in their +notebooks. + +"Once again," said I. + +"And again," said he. + +"That was about all I could stand, and I called him. With a leer of +triumph he threw his hand on the table, face-up, displaying----" + +"Stop him, stop him!" shouted Mr. Ridley, rising excitedly. "Don't let +him take the money! If I'd a knowed you at the time, brother, it never +would a happened! I'd a put you wise to that McNab. He ain't no more +doctor than I am, and his name ain't McNab either! The scar-faced son of +a gun! I've been up against him, and so has Bull; ain't you, Nathan?" + +"Poker stories are barred, I believe," said the Senator coldly. + +Mr. Ridley's face was a study. + +"Well, I'll be damned!" he muttered, with his mouth full of potatoes. +"Let's change the subject; there are lots of other things to talk about. +I like war stories, myself. Senator," said he, turning to Senator +Hammond, "the first time I ever saw you--and then it was some distance +off--you were in the biggest kind of a hurry; I never saw a man so +anxious to get from here, say, to over there." + +"When was it? I do not recollect," said the old veteran pleasantly. + +"Why, at Bull Run; don't you remember Bull Run?" + +"Do I? Well, I should say I did. You fellows certainly had us going that +day, and if you had been smart you would have pushed matters, captured +Washington, and thus ended the war, or at least have been in a position +to dictate your own terms. As to our retreat, I remember so well the +disgusted tones of a staunch Union lady living in Washington, speaking +to one of the boys on the night of our return. + +"'You coward!' she said bitterly, 'to run away at the first fire! Don't +you know that the finger of scorn will be pointed at you all the rest of +your life?' + +"'That may be so, lady,' said the soldier doggedly, 'but I'd ruther hev +the finger o' scorn pinted at me any time than one o' them damned Rebel +cannon!' + +"And another of the boys limping by, foot-sore and weary, was accosted +by this same angry dame, 'You ran, did you? You ran! Shame! Shame! A big +fellow like you! Why did you run?' + +"'I run, mum, 'cause I couldn't _fly_, that's why I run!'" + +"Yes, quite true; and yet, after all, how like the moon we are," +muttered one of the newspaper men disconnectedly. + +"How so?" inquired Senator Hammond acidly. + +"Why, here we are, full--gloriously full--on the twentieth of the month, +and eight days later, down to our last quarter." + +"That's bad, very bad, O'Brien," said another scribe mournfully. +"Forgive him, Senator. I will have something to say to him later." +Withering glances were cast at the unlucky one, who seemed about to sink +under the table, and the wind outside howled dismally, and rattled the +windows in its rage. + +[Illustration: Senator Pennypacker.] + +The situation was steadied somewhat by Senator Pennypacker. The Senator, +who entered public life five years ago a poor man, and who, by living +economically, saving his pay, and borrowing his chewing tobacco, is at +present worth considerably over a million dollars, now favored the +company with some sage remarks as to the tendency of the times toward +extravagance, the high cost of living in Washington, the iniquity of the +boarding-house keepers, and the difficulty he had to make both ends +meet. The Senator is a tall, lank, ungainly looking man; thin lipped, +with mean, cunning eyes, strained ever for the main chance. A few tufts +of reddish hair are flattened on either side of his cranium, and his +nose and chin were sharpened on the grindstone of necessity and early +hardship into twin beaks. Verily a vulture, battening now on the Trusts, +and feared and hated by other birds of smaller body and weaker wing. +With him, Selfishness is indeed the main-spring of Ambition! His +features are well-known to the public through the medium of those +extensive advertisements in the papers heralding the great vegetable +remedy "Gee-Soo-Na." + +His remarks were received in silence, though a careful observer might +have noticed an exchange of solemn winks between Colonel Manysnifters +and Sammy Ridley. + +"Oh, he is the stingy one, all right," Colonel Manysnifters confided +later to Mr. Ridley. "He is the kind of fellow who would send his best +girl a box of candy Saturday morning, and call around Sunday night and +eat it all up." + +When the Senator had fully delivered himself, some one brought up the +negro question. + +"They certainly are the limit in Washington," said Colonel Manysnifters. +"The sassy black rascals seem to think they own the town. And nigger +policemen, too! Think of a white man being arrested by a nigger +policeman!" + +"I do not see why lawbreakers should object to the color of the man who +gathers them in," said Van Rensselaer sarcastically. + +"We Southerners do, anyway," retorted the Colonel hotly. + +"You Southerners should behave yourselves, then there would be no +trouble," observed Senator Hammond dryly. + +"Well, that's all right, now," said Colonel Manysnifters, flaring up, +"we don't expect you Northerners to feel as we do about it! We----" + +"Come, come, Manysnifters," said Senator Bull pacifically, "don't get +excited. Don't let the 'nigger in the wood-pile' spoil this occasion. +Calm yourself." + +"Oh, I'm not excited. It takes a lot to excite me," said the Colonel; +"but just to give you an idea of how things are going in Washington, a +cousin of mine from Atlanta, a kindly disposed chap as ever lived, +meeting an old negress on the street there the other day, said to her, +'Well, Auntie, how are you this bright morning?' + +"'Huh!' exclaimed the old woman angrily, 'Auntie! Don't you call me no +Auntie! I ain't yoh aunt, and I ain't yoh uncle; I'se yoh ekal!' Now +wouldn't that jar you? That's the way the niggers feel about it in +Washington." + +"Forget it, Manysnifters," urged Senator Bull, "forget it. Give the +colored brother a show. He will work out his own salvation." + +"At the end of a rope," growled the Colonel. + +"Be charitable, sir, be charitable," said Senator Pennypacker +ponderously. "The negro problem lies with the white people of the South. +They will solve it. Give them time. Perhaps they may find + + "'With keen, discriminating sight, + Black's not so black, + Nor white's so very white!'" + +"Oh, we will solve it all right," said Colonel Manysnifters knowingly, +"trust us for that. Only--you Northern folks keep your hands off. That's +all we ask!" + +Mr. Ridley, to soothe the fiery Southerner, poured out a generous +libation, and the dark cloud rolled over. + + + + +V + +SENATOR BULL'S STORY + + +When we returned to the observation car Senator Bull was unanimously +called to the chair. + +"I shall hark back to my boyhood days," said he, "and relate an incident +in my early life, and its sequel when I attained man's estate. I suppose +all of us have had experiences which have more than once brought home +the weight of that bewhiskered old maxim--'Truth is stranger than +fiction.' + +"There were twelve of us--Bert Martin, Joey Scott, Tom Hyland, Georgie +Morris, Jake Milburn, Bob Hardee, Lannie Sudduth, Owen Prouty, Alf Rush, +Ed Ross, Dolph Levy, and myself. The Forestburg Rifles we called +ourselves. Ed Ross was captain, and Lannie Sudduth and Bob Hardee, +lieutenants. There were no other officers, for that would have left too +few privates; but, as it was, our nine men marching single file and wide +apart made a fine showing. Owen Prouty limping bravely along, brought up +the rear. 'That lame Prouty boy' was the gamest fellow in the command +and it nearly broke his heart when we marched away in earnest in +sixty-one, and left him behind--the leader of the home-guard. + +"The Rifles were armed with wooden guns, and drilled twice a week in +Bert Martin's barn--drilled with almost the same precision and attention +to the manual as we _had_ to do in later years. Ed Ross was a strict +disciplinarian even then, and awfully in earnest. Indeed, we all were +for that matter. When the notion is strong upon them, young folks beat +their elders all hollow at that sort of thing. Every Saturday afternoon +at three o'clock, weather permitting, we met at our armory, and after +some preliminary maneuvers marched down High Street. Old Cush Woodberry +and the other loafers at Horton's would come out on the platform in +front of the store and review the troops. The interest those lazy +fellows took in us was astonishing. Old Cush even volunteered one day to +give us some instructions in tactics, but our gallant captain +courteously declined. There were others, though, who did not admire us +so much. The green-eyed monster reigned supreme over on Liberty Street, +and around by the court-house lot. There the country lads in town for +Saturday market were entrenched, and they jeered at us enviously from +the line of wagons drawn up in battle array. Occasionally a rotten apple +or potato would sail through the air in our direction, but we marched +past our tormentors stiffly erect, and apparently unconscious. Had our +numbers been stronger we would have joyfully stormed the enemy's works, +but the country boys were bigger than we, and vastly more numerous; so +with us discretion was indeed the better part of valor. + +"The Rifles were organized just after school broke up, and flourished +all that summer; a remarkable thing for Forestburg boys, for we were a +squabbling lot, prone to quarrel and fight upon the slightest +provocation. But in some way our captain held us together--just as he +did afterward at Antietam and Gettysburg. Dear old chap, he holds us +still! + +"In early September we received our colors. Up to that time Owen Prouty +had carried a small flag on his musket, but it had never been dignified +as the company's colors. Our real flag was given to us by the little +McDermott girl, and the giving was done so prettily and sweetly that our +boyish hearts were touched--and this is saying a good deal. Not, indeed, +that the Forestburg boys were rougher than other boys, for I guess they +are all pretty much alike; but we had been taught to hate and shun the +McDermotts. They were newcomers, and Danny McDermott had been a Young +Irelander, or something else equally as dreadful. Then, too, Forestburg +was a Knownothing stronghold, and we fell naturally into our daddies' +way of thinking. So we roundly snubbed the pleasant-faced Danny and his +family whenever we had a chance, and the fellows at school used to bully +Terence, the son, most atrociously. Yet as we marched by the McDermotts' +on Saturday afternoons little Katie would always run out to the gate +delightedly and wave a large flag, and after a while we came to look +upon the little golden-haired child and her flag as quite a feature of +our parade. Finally, one day she stepped into the street, and with a +quaint curtsy presented the flag, garlanded with roses and buttercups, +to our captain. The command was at once ordered to halt, and all eyes +were fixed upon Ed and the blushing child. + +"'Attention!' shouted Captain Ross. We obeyed and looked straight ahead +as good soldiers should, with a sly glance out of the corners of our +eyes at our leader. But Ed knew just what to do. He faced about sharply, +and made a low bow to the lady, took the flag held out to him, and then +made a speech. Ed Ross was always a fine talker, and had won the +elocution prize at school the year before. On this occasion he fairly +surpassed himself. I have often thought of it since. At our next meeting +we unanimously elected Miss Katherine Burke McDermott an honorary member +of the Rifles. Tom Ryland's sister drew up the resolutions, and they +were very beautiful. + + * * * * * + +"It was a sultry afternoon, and the little jury-room was suffocating. +The fight for a life which had raged out in the gloomy court-room for +two weeks or more was now transferred to the ten by twelve cubby-hole +where we had been cooped up since noon. The evidence against the +prisoner was overwhelming, but some of the jurors still wavered as to +their clear duty. Eight of us were for murder in the first degree; the +others were in the same frame of mind, I am sure, but tantalizingly slow +about saying so. It looked like an all-night struggle. + +"Thrice since midday had Sheriff Watkins popped in his red head and +asked if we had agreed upon a verdict, and as often had he angrily +withdrawn. Watkins had a profound contempt for juries in general, and +our jury in particular. According to the sheriff, the case of +Commonwealth against Hardy was decided, and decided fully, when +Dillingham finished his speech. Dillingham was the prosecuting attorney, +and Watkins worshipped him down to the ground. Watkins was therefore +clearly prejudiced, but in this instance his views were undeniably +sound. + +"The court, despairing and thirsty, had adjourned to meet at seven +o'clock. In the jury-room all arguments for and against the stand taken +by the unshaken eight seemed exhausted. The hours dragged wearily by. At +half-past five o'clock, to our great surprise, three of the obstinate +crowd came over to our way of thinking. Whether stern duty, our mutual +discomfort, or the prospect of another night away from their families +wrought this, I know not. So then, with the single exception of Colonel +Ross, we were all for stringing up the prisoner. + +"Colonel Ross still stuck out doggedly for a milder punishment--anything +to save the poor devil's life, he said. For the first time in my career +I rebelled against the judgment of my old friend, and for the first time +found myself arrayed against him, and the novelty of the situation was +far from agreeable. The clock in the town hall struck six, and the +whistles down at Thayer's mill blew furiously. The Colonel was biting +the ends of his mustache and gazing moodily into the crowded street +below. I went up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. + +"'Now, Colonel,' said I, in my most persuasive tones, 'can't you make up +your mind to join us in this thing? We are all agreed except yourself. +God knows we have no personal feeling against Hardy. We are simply doing +what we think is our duty, and a mighty nasty one it is, too! You know +that. But we owe something to society--society, whose structure was +shaken to its very foundation by the perpetration of this crime! +(Dillingham's own words.) The prisoner is clearly guilty. Why, the +fellow practically confesses it. We ought to put some stop to the +killing and general rascality up there in the settlement. Our section is +fast becoming a monstrous blot on the fair name of the Commonwealth! +(Dillingham again.) What is there left for us to do but carry out the +law? What is there left for----' My voice died away weakly. Something in +the Colonel's face effectually blasted my budding eloquence. At that +moment I felt myself a greater criminal than Hardy or any of his gang. + +"Colonel Ross tapped the floor impatiently with his crutch. He was a +testy man, but much was borne from him. + +[Illustration: Colonel Ross addressing the jury.] + +"'Gentlemen,' said he, his eyes flashing, 'I verily think that the good +God above in His great wisdom and mercy picked out this jury Himself. I +am sure He did. Now, listen to me. It will not take long. + +"'We have all had a tedious two weeks of it, haven't we? The weather has +been warm; our business neglected; some of us have sick ones at home we +are anxious to see; and we are all losing our health and temper in this +close confinement. And I by no means omit the dreadful meals at the +Darby House. But, gentlemen, rather than come over to you and hang Eph +Hardy, I would stay here forever! Not, indeed, that there is any danger +of that, for the Judge will discharge us pretty soon if we do not come +to terms. But I can at least go to my home with nothing to haunt me the +rest of my life. I can at least close my eyes at night without fear of +troubled dreams or hours of unrest. And I thank God for it. + +"'Now, my friends, while all that we've gone through has been wearing on +a fellow, it has not been without interest. You have doubtless heard and +gazed in wonder at "the cloud of witnesses" the defense and prosecution +have summoned for this case. You have listened open-mouthed to the fine +eloquence of the lawyers. You have seen, day after day, the fashionable +city folk, who have come down to our little town, troop in and take +their seats--and the reporters, and the men with the cameras, and the +hungry-looking "poor whites." Now, gentlemen, of course you have seen +and heard all this, and of course you have been duly impressed. _I_ have +been, I grant you; but of late there has been but one thing in that +court-room I could see; but one thing that interested me, and held my +attention to the exclusion of all else. I don't suppose you know what I +mean. It is this--back, 'way back by the door a little woman has been in +torture, such torture as I hope you will never know. I cannot keep my +eyes from that shabbily dressed figure; from that white, tear-stained +face. Again and again I have seen her veil drawn down, and the poor +creature shaking with grief. At first I did not know her, though I +guessed. Watkins told me about her. She is the prisoner's mother. + +"'When Dillingham was putting in his finishing touches this morning I +thought of _my_ mother. _She_ was like that when they brought my brother +Archie home. You remember Archie--and the day he was drowned? We were +all in swimming that Sunday, you know, and Parson Moore said it was a +judgment, but my poor mother could not bring herself to think so. + +"'Well, the Hardy woman called to mind mother when they told her about +Archie. That same awful, awful look of despair. + +"'As I said before, I see the hand of God in the choosing of this jury.' +The Colonel eyed us almost exultingly. + +"'Boys! Attention!' Mechanically we old soldiers arose and faced about, +obeying our Colonel as of yore. The order was electrical, and set us +tingling with expectation. Something else was surely coming. + +"The Colonel bowed profoundly to an imaginary person at his side. + +"'Boys, listen! I accept this flag from your fair hands in behalf of my +men and myself. Mere words fail to express our thanks, but in deeds most +glorious will we attest our love for you, and the Stars and +Stripes!'--or something like that--all very childish and grandiloquent, +but we kept our word, didn't we? And again--picture it to yourselves, +now--Bob Hardee's barn; your captain in the chair; Private Ryland rises, +and offers the following: "Be it Resolved, that Miss Katherine Burke +McDermott be, and hereby is, elected an honorary member for life in the +Forestburg Rifles, and that we swear to cherish and protect her +forever." That was the gist of it, I believe, and there were other +resolutions regarding the same young lady, which have unfortunately +escaped my memory. But, boys, need I remind you that these resolutions +were adopted unanimously? O, let them bind us still! That broken-hearted +woman in there was once the little golden-haired lass to whom we were so +loyal in the long ago. Shall we not be loyal to-day? It isn't justice, +and it isn't law; but, boys, we've got to save that fellow's life--now, +haven't we?' + +"An hour later we entered the court-room. The woman over by the door +looked up with a faint flush on her face. Hope had made it radiant. She +knew that 'The Rifles' would never vote to take her boy's life! + +"And she was right. + +"We acquitted him. + +"The verdict was heard in absolute silence. Then there was a slight stir +in the rear of the room. Nothing, after all; only--a woman had fainted. +It was hot in the court-room that night, and no place for women, anyhow, +as Colonel Ross gruffly remarked at the time. + +"But there were tears in his eyes." + + + + +VI + +REPRESENTATIVE HOLLOWAY HAS THE FLOOR + + +At the conclusion of Senator Bull's story President Madison was again +requisitioned, and a crap game which was in lively progress in the +dining-car was thus rudely disturbed. + +"Tell us, Holloway, about your nomination and election to Congress. Was +it not somewhat in the nature of a surprise?" asked Congressman Van +Rensselaer. + +"Very much so. It will hardly make a story, but if you would like to +hear how it happens that the --th District of Illinois is represented in +Congress by a Democrat for the first time in its history, here goes--but +mind you, now, I don't pretend to be in Senator Bull's class as a story +teller. + +"It was a piping hot day in August, and Harrisville at its worst. +Whenever a vehicle passed, clouds of dust floated in at the windows and +settled upon my books, my papers, and covered my green baize table with +an infinitesimal section of H---- County real estate. Even the slumberer +on the sofa was not exempt. His usually ruddy face had become ashen, and +his snoring was developing into a series of choking gasps. It was +fearful, this dust,--alkaline, penetrating, stifling,--and from such +soil the raw-boned, hard-featured men of H---- wrung a living. And I, +sharing their narrow lives, began to understand the true significance of +the word 'onery' as applied to us by our more prosperous and ofttimes +just exasperated neighbors. + +"It was court day, and I had just come in after a stiff tussle with a +pig-headed judge, an irritating opposing counsel, and a H---- County +jury. I thought of old Uncle Peter Whitehead, 'The onriest critters in +the whole State of Illinoy come out o' H----! Thar ain't no tellin' +which way an H---- County jury's a goin' to jump. The law and the facts +ain't nothin' ter them, it's jest the way they are feelin' that +particler day and minnit. If so happen they got outer bed the wrong foot +furrard that mornin', then it's good-by ter the pris'ner, and hell fer +the lawyer that's defendin' him!' + +"Court had adjourned until two o'clock, leaving the fate of my client +undecided, and I came into my office, tired-out, warm, and exceedingly +anxious. Clearing Thad Hawley meant a great deal to me just then. It was +my first important case, and I felt that my future would be decided in a +great measure by its outcome. If the twelve stolid farmers upon whom I +had showered my eloquence went Fraley-ward in their verdict, I knew that +my professional goose would be cooked, and visions of a move to some +distant bailiwick rose up before me. Fraley and Hicks would then +monopolize the Harrisville practice, and perhaps in a year or so some +other fledgling would rise up in his ignorance and be as ruthlessly cut +down as I had been. + +"Yes, I was worried, and the sight of Andrew Sale asleep on my sofa did +not tend to soothe that feeling. At any time a visit from the county +chairman would have been most unwelcome, but now it was an exhibition of +unmitigated gall! Another contribution, I supposed, angrily eyeing the +sleeper. I had been the 'good thing' for Sale and his crowd for some +years past, and had pretty well resolved to cut loose from them--and +politics. I thought of the many ambitious young fellows I knew who had +been permanently injured while hovering around the political flame. +Some, indeed, were burned to death, others are floundering through life +on crippled wings; all were more or less singed, both morally and +financially. My experience thus far had been a financial singe, and the +last scorching was still fresh and quivering. Only the week before I had +given Sale my check for quite a tolerable sum, and then as soon as he +had left my office, kicked myself for doing so. The money, he said, was +to go toward defraying the expenses of the nominating convention, which +was to meet at Shawnee on the twenty-first, and as a good man and true I +had to 'cough up' with the rest of them. + +"And here he was again! + +"As I glared at him the chairman turned over uneasily, sputtered, +sneezed, opened his eyes, and sat up, staring stupidly. + +"'How're you? How're you?' he roared, wiping his face with a grimy +handkerchief. 'Ain't this dust awful? There ain't no doing anything with +it. If you put the winders down you'll smother with the heat, and if you +leave 'em up, you'll choke to death. Hobson's choice, eh? Ha, ha! And +all that prayin' for rain on Sunday, too. Providence's ways is certainly +beyond us--ain't they? Well, I rather guess _this_ visit 'll surprise +ye.' + +"'It does, Mr. Sale, it does!' said I warmly. 'You know I told you when +you were here the other day that I could not--you know damn well +that----' + +"'Now, now, now,' said he soothingly, holding up his hand, 'don't do +that! You're on the wrong tack, Mister, 'deed you are. There's another +guess a comin' to you. It ain't money we want this time, no, siree! +Money don't cut no ice this trip, though it _is_ a mighty handy thing to +have a jinglin' in your jeans--ain't it? No, it ain't the "sinews," as +Jim McGubbin calls it; it's _you_, Mr. Holloway; it's _you_, sir!' + +"'Me, Mr. Sale?' + +"'Yes, sir; you. Why it's as plain as the nose on your face, Mr. +Holloway, and that is--the Democratic party of the --th deestric' is +pretty unanimous on _one_ thing anyhow, this year. I'll admit we ain't +come to no final decision on our platform, but we air pretty generally +agreed on our candi_date_, and that's the Honrubble Andrew Jackson +Holloway--yourself, sir! That's why I am here to-day. When I heerd you +speakin' in court just now, I turned and says to Jim McGubbin, says I, +"That there's the voice that'll wake 'em up in Congress." I felt just +like the old feller in the Bible. The sperrit of prophecy was on me. And +Jim he agreed with me. Jim's got the Shawnee organization right under +his thumb, same as--'tween you and me--I've got H----. McGubbin's out +and out for Holloway. "Holloway and Reform!" That's our cry this year. I +seen Potter James and old Pete Whitehead over to Andrewville yesterday, +and they'll fetch their people in line for you all right. If you'll make +the run, we'll elect you sure; and that ain't no lie.' + +"Sale, a big man with a loud voice, impressive tones, and masterful +ways, overpowered me. + +"'Sit down, Mr. Sale,' I said weakly, 'sit down. Let us talk it over. +This nomination--it is a great honor, I am sure--I can scarcely tell you +how flattered--how----' + +"'Oh, that's all right, that's all right,' said he, beaming. 'I know'd +you'd be a little, well--flustered, eh?--when I fust broke the news to +you, and I don't say but what it isn't perfectly natural, too. These +things don't happen to a man every day, and especially to--beggin' your +pardon--to a man as young as yourself, sir. But the Democratic party of +the --th deestric' of Illinoy knows a good thing when they sees it.' +Sale's unconscious sarcasm hurt me. 'I have sounded them to the bottom,' +he went on, 'and it's Holloway, Holloway, Holloway, everywhere. Now +you'll let us put you up, won't you? There ain't no earthly doubt 'bout +your gettin' the nomination. Harrison may give old Colonel Harrison its +vote on the first ballot, just as a compliment, you know; and I'll admit +that down Hall City way there's some talk of Sile Munyon, but there +ain't nothin' to it. We'll prick the Munyon boom before it's bigger'n a +pea. We'll fix things, you bet. And we'll elect you, too! It's a good +job to hold down--that of being a Congressman; it ain't the office so +much as it is the purgatives that go with it. I'd like to go to Congress +myself. Maybe I will some day. Well, as I was goin' to say, I driv over +to the Courthouse Sunday, and saw the boys there, and I talked them into +the right way o' thinkin'. They are all O. K. + +"'There's a deal of grumblin' and dissatisfaction 'mongst the +Republicans just now. Sam Thorne ain't done the square thing by the gang +that 'lected him, and they are mighty sore over it. Washington's kinder +turned his head. He's got awful stuck up of late, and wears a +long-tailed coat and beaver hat all the time. And that 'pointment of Ben +McConnell postmaster of Liberty has hurt Thorne and the Republican party +a heap all over the deestric'. Ben McConnell never voted the Republican +ticket but twicst in his life. Up to two years ago he was a red-hot +Democrat, and no one down in their hearts, Republican or Democrat, has +any use for a turncoat. I take it all in all, he is the most onpopular +man in Illinoy to-day. His conduct is as hard to swaller as a dose of +them old Greek twins, Castor Oil and Politics, we use to wrastle with at +school. Of course in political life, like in ordinary life, you have to +eat a peck o' dirt before you die, but you don't have to eat it all at +oncst like he's a doin'! Why, old war-horses, Republicans all their +lives, were turned down for this here upstart! It's done the party a +deal of harm. And then, as I said before, Sam Thorne's confounded airs +is making everybody sick. No one ever thought anything of the Thornes +when I fust grew up. They wasn't no better'n any one else. Sam Thorne's +father was the clerk of the court at Liberty, and a darned poor one at +that, as I have often heard my father say. I went to school with Sam, +and many's the thrashin' I have given him, but that's neither here nor +there. + +"'Oh, we've got 'em this time, sure! Yes, they're going to run Thorne +again. He's got hold of a wad there in Washington, and can buy up the +whole convention if need be. I wouldn't trust any of them Republicans. +The Democratic party is above sech doin's. We stand for purity, +patriotism--the whole bag o' tricks! Ha, ha! And politics, I guess, is +like everything else. So long as you stick to the Thirteenth +Commandment, you'll get there without any trouble.' + +"'The Thirteenth Commandment'? + +[Illustration: "--Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!"] + +"'Yes, the Thirteenth--"Thou shalt not be found out," you know. Oh, +we'll fix the Thorne gang as sure's you're born to die! My luck'll carry +you through. It sure will! A chiropodist in Chicago once told me that +there was a terribul commotion in the heavens when I was born. Venus was +bit by the Dog Star--or some sech foolishness--all of which went to show +that I come on the earth at jest the right diabolical moment. And I +guess the fellow knew what he was a talkin' about, with his maps, and +charts, and things. Anyway, I've got no kick comin'. I have always had +the best o' good luck, and I'll pass it on to you.' + +"Sale was a good talker, and carried everything before him. Now and then +I managed to slip in a word or two in feeble protest, but he swept away +all my objections with the same easy movement that he chased off the +flies from his face. + +"When I looked at my watch it was ten minutes before two o'clock. Sale +was going out into the hot street, jubilant, and I was the more than +probable nominee of the Democratic party of the --th district for +Congress! I knew that Sale would make good his word; and, having given +it, I would stick to mine. But my tempter out of the way, I writhed and +groaned under my folly and weakness. I grabbed up my hat, and hurried +back to court as in a nightmare. The Hawley case went against me, but it +paled into insignificance by the side of my newer and greater +misfortune. + +"For Sale had hypnotized me! + +"Of course I was nominated. Nominated with shouts, and cat-calls, and +much unearthly clamor. Nominated on the second ballot to the eternal +confusion of the Munyon crowd, who afterward, I have been told, bolted +the ticket and voted solidly for my Republican opponent. I made a +speech, and was wildly cheered, then dragged in Lum Atkins's buggy to my +hotel by an army of yelling partisans. I was interviewed by reporters, +photographed by an enthusiastic young woman on the _Argus_ staff, and +made in every way to feel that I was one of the truly great. But I knew +otherwise. + +"In the months following I hobnobbed lovingly with every heeler, +ward-worker, and thug in that part of the State. My bar'l was tapped, +and well tapped. The stubs in my check-book are mutely eloquent. Then +the press got in its fine work. When the opposition sheets were through +with me not a shred of character had I left. I shivered in my moral +nakedness, one enterprising journal said, and that is just about what I +did. My public appearances--on the stump, and on the rostrum--afforded +rare fun for the other side. I was not an orator--never claimed to be +one--and of course they made the most of it. I spoke my little piece as +well as I could, but my opponent was known as 'The Silver-tongued +Demosthenes of Illinois'--or something like that--so where did I come +in? And how those newspaper fellows did enjoy it all! God bless them! +They have proven good friends of mine since, but their sharpened quills +were fiery darts to me in those days! + +"And I was otherwise discouraged. My encounter with big Bill Such of +Sangamon left him, as before, the undisputed rough and tumble champion +of middle Illinois. My people at home, too, were solidly against me. +Life-long Republicans, as they had always been, they felt that I had +disgraced them, and showed it very plainly. As the standard-bearer of a +party upon whose banners Victory had never perched, at least so far as +my district was concerned, I was indeed the leader of a forlorn and +ragged hope; but my blood was up, and I was determined at least to make +a better showing than any other Democrat had done. + +"But it was an expensive ambition. + +"Election day rolled around, and I spent the greater part of the time +driving to and from the polling places in my own county. I was +particularly anxious to carry H----, even though all the other counties +failed me. That would soften the blow to the family pride, I thought. +Not a morsel of food passed my lips during the whole of that trying +fifth of November. From sunrise to sunset I never left my buggy, except +once to vote, and at nightfall I was fairly done up. When all was over I +was too tired-out to await returns at headquarters, so I turned in quite +early, only venturing to hope that the fate of Judkins would not be +mine. For Judkins, a recent victim, had been so overwhelmingly defeated +in the spring elections that he had retired from the political arena in +disgust; anathematizing politics in general and the politics of the --th +district in particular. Then, in his weak and shattered condition, he +fell into the arms of the eldest Parsons girl, who had been stalking him +for, lo, these many years! + +"I slept as soundly as though trouble, sorrow, and Congressional +elections had never been; and in the morning came the surprise. + +"I was elected by an enormous majority! + +"I can not explain this phenomenon; they are still trying to do that out +my way. It was an upheaval, with the great Democratic party and its +astonished candidate very much on top. Its like will never occur again +in my State; not in my district, anyhow. A recent Republican gerrymander +will prevent that. Andrew Sale says he did it. Maybe he did; I don't +know." + +"It was Fate--f-a-t-e--Fate!" said Colonel Manysnifters, solemnly. +"There's no avoiding it. My sainted parents, both good Presbyterians in +their day, would doubtless have urged predestination. That may be it. +Your election to Congress was something you couldn't side-step. Nor, by +the same token, can I. Only when I am nominated, I don't worry any more. +There _is_ a general election, I believe, but that doesn't fret me much. +We have eliminated the opposition down our way--perfectly legal and +statutory. Oh, yes. There _are_ a few 'lily-white' votes cast on the +other side, they tell me,--sort of a registered kick for conscience's +sake, I suppose,--but it is just a matter of form, and nobody gets +excited over it. They are trifles lighter than air, yet-- + + "'Small things should not unheeded be, + Nor atoms due attention lack, + We all know well the miseree + Occasioned by an unseen tack!' + +"And again: + + "'Little drops of water, + Little grains of sand + Make contractors' mortar + That is used throughout the land.'" + +"Well," said Sammy Ridley, drawing a deep breath when the Colonel was +through, "I may be a damn fool, but I am no poet!" + + + + +VII + +REPRESENTATIVE VAN RENSSELAER UNFOLDS A STRANGE TALE + + +"And now, Van Rensselaer," said Colonel Manysnifters, "it's around to +you. I reckon you have something up your sleeve that will surprise us, +eh?" The debonair Congressman from the Empire State was quite equal to +the occasion. He seemed primed and ready, and needed no further urging. +There was another hiss of soda, the clink of glasses, and with a +prolonged sigh of satisfaction he began. + +"This is a true tale, and unfolded now for the first time. Harken unto +the evidence. + +"It was a lovely afternoon in early spring, and 'The Avenue' was alive +with a leisurely moving throng--for no one hurries in Washington. I +strolled along, thoroughly enjoying the balmy weather, the crowds, and +the charm of it all. About four o'clock hundreds of government clerks +streamed out sluggishly from the side streets. At the crossings fakirs +were busy, their customers good-naturedly elbowing each other in their +eagerness to be swindled. And violets everywhere! The air was filled +with the scent of them. Men, women, and children with trays piled high +with the tiny purple and white flowers were doing a tremendous business; +their customers ranging from dignified statesmen to the loudly dressed +Afro-American gayly swinging along. Out of the fashionable Northwest +came many carriages, passing from the grim shadow of the Treasury into +the sunlit way beyond. The trend of movement was eastward--always +eastward--toward the great white dome on the hill. Congress was in +session, and history was making there. The war debate was on in all its +fury, with the whole world listening breathlessly. Pictures of the +ill-fated _Maine_ were much in evidence, and maps of Cuba in the shop +windows were closely scanned. The probability of war with Spain was +loudly and boastfully discussed by seedy looking men in front of the +cheaper hotels and restaurants. Extra editions of the New York papers +with huge scare headlines were eagerly bought up. The latest news from +the Capitol--_via_ New York--was seized upon with avidity. The papers +were filled with the rumored departure of the American Consul-General +from Havana. 'Twas said that he was coming direct to Washington. His +portrait and the _Maine_ lithographs were hung side by side, and the +people spoke of 'Our Fitz' with enthusiastic affection. The President +and his Cabinet were roundly censured for their policy of moderation. +Much whiskey and beer was consumed by thirsty patriots. The pent-up +feeling of the people found relief here and there by loud +cheering--especially at the bulletin boards. Tiny Cuban flags were worn. +Crossed American and Cuban flags were everywhere displayed. + +"The De Lome incident--the intercepted letter of the imprudent Spanish +Minister, and his subsequent disgrace and recall--was another +much-discussed topic. It was an open secret, especially among the +newspaper fraternity and others in the know, that the former minister +had dispensed with lavish hand a corruption fund to influence writers on +the American press. A little clique of journalists in and around the +Capitol had profited greatly. Information about alleged filibuster +movements found a ready market at the Spanish legation. These, and a +dozen other subjects relative to the momentous events then impending, +occupied the thoughts of a highly excited public. + +"That walk down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Treasury to the Capitol +opened my eyes wider than ever to the fact that the popular clamor was +for war, war, the sooner the better. The sentiment in Washington voiced +that of the entire country. Similar scenes were occurring in all the +large cities, and I could fancy the crowd at the home post-office +waiting for the latest Buffalo papers, hear the warm debate at Steve +Warner's, and see Major Kirkpatrick haranguing the boys from the steps +of the city hall; which, in fact, he did. (See the Hiram _Intelligencer_ +of that date.) + +"Henley of Iowa had the floor when I took my seat in the House. The +galleries were filled. It was warm in the chamber, and fans, bright bits +of color, waved briskly. In the Diplomatic gallery the representatives +of many nations seemed anxious and absorbed. Subdued murmurs of +applause, like the hum of a mighty hive, arose at the telling points of +the speech, which was for war! war! war! The galleries reeked with +enthusiasm, and quailed not before the stern eye of the Speaker. + +"Notwithstanding Henley's fiery eloquence, I was desperately sleepy, +having been up late the night before; indeed, there were streaks of rosy +light in the eastern sky when I reached my hotel. I found myself nodding +at my desk, and it was with an effort that I turned to the work which +had accumulated before me. An enormous mail had arrived. The usual +place-hunting letters from constituents, a petition from the Women's +Christian Temperance Union of Hiram Center protesting against the sale +of liquor at the Capitol, invitations to dine, a tempting mining +prospectus, circulars without number, and at the bottom of the pile a +square blue affair with the Washington postmark. I gave it my immediate +attention. The letter began abruptly, and ran as follows: + + "'Ah, senor, have you forgotten Saratoga, and the little Mercedes? + Have you forgotten your promise to the Cuban girl? Surely not! The + pain in my heart you must well understand, for I know that _you_ + love _your_ country very dearly. I read your speeches--all of + them--I read them in the papers, but not a word for Cuba--my poor, + bleeding Cuba! And yet you swore to me that night on the veranda, + with the moon shining so softly through the vines, that your voice + would ever be raised for Cuba--Cuba Libre! Would I have kissed you + else? Now, dear friend, when you make one of your beautiful + speeches again, think of Cuba, my gasping, dying Cuba, and + + "'MERCEDES. + + "'P. S.--I am in Washington, at the Arlington.--M.' + +"This was interesting, to say the least. Of course, I remembered +Mercedes, and old Villasante, her fat papa, and Manuel the brother, and +Alejandro the cousin. Yes, I remembered them all very well and the night +on the veranda, with the moon shining softly through the vines, the +music floating out to us from the ballroom, the innumerable bumpers with +Manuel Villasante, Carlos Amezaga, Alejandro Menendez, and others of the +Cuban colony at the hotel. Also the promise made to my lovely partner as +to the voice for Cuba--Cuba Libre!--when I took my seat in Congress; the +warm pressure of her arms around my neck--and the kiss! How could I +forget it? But that was two summers ago, and my views now and then were +vastly different. Whatever I may have said under the combined witchery +of Mercedes, the moonlight, and the champagne was not to be seriously +considered now. Like all Americans and lovers of liberty, I thought of +course that Cuba should be free, that she should make every effort +toward that much-to-be-desired end, but the idea of my own country +stepping in to aid her did not strongly appeal to me. While Cuban +affairs elicited the warmest interest in the States, those of our people +who had actively assisted the patriots had become involved in endless +trouble both with the home government and that of Spain. Filibustering +was severely frowned upon, and many recent attempts had proven most +disastrous, jeopardizing both the lives of the 'patriots' and the +_entente cordiale_ between two great and friendly nations. The blowing +up of the _Maine_, undoubtedly the work of Cuban insurgents in order to +hasten hostilities with Spain, had rendered the situation most acute. +Pledged to the Administration, I was a conservative of conservatives. I +was therefore opposed to any interference in Cuban affairs, and I +regarded a conflict with Spain as the height of folly. I was determined +to fight to the bitter end any measure for war. + +[Illustration: The Kiss!] + +"With all this in mind, I tore up the fair Cuban's letter and threw it +into the waste-basket. At that very moment a page hurried to my side and +handed me a card. + +"Manuel Villasante was waiting to see me! + +"I went out to him most reluctantly. He greeted me with enthusiasm; his +delight amounting almost to rapture. I am afraid I did not meet him half +way, nor anywhere near it. He did not appear to notice it. + +"'My dear, dear friend,' said he, 'this is a sublime moment! To see +_you_, the gay companion, the good fellow, the butterfly, I may say, of +other days, a member of this great body is certainly soul-stirring! So +you have realized your ambition? What next? The Senate? And then--then?' +he pointed upward, 'higher yet? and still higher? Ha! The White House? +Who knows?' he whispered prophetically. + +"I cast my eyes modestly to the floor. + +"'This is quite enough for me, or any other good American; but, Senor, +tell me about your father and the Senorita, your sister; are they well? +And how long have you been in Washington? It is certainly good to see +you again.' + +"'We are all here for a few days--my father, my sister, and I. You know +we are living in New York this winter?' + +"'In New York, eh? Fine! It is strange,' I continued, 'but I was +thinking of you and your family the very moment your card was brought +in.' + +"'Ah, my friend,' he said mysteriously, 'you know what it is, do you +not? It is the mental telepathy. I have known of things most wonderful +to happen by the mental telepathy. Only yesterday my sister +Mercedes----' + +"'Quite right,' said I, heading him off, and remembering something I had +read not long before, 'it is indeed a wonderful, subtle thing. We live +in the midst of the unknown. Unseen forces drag us hither and thither. +At times we are brought face to face with the occult, the eerie, the +gruesome. Charcot says in his superb work on the subject +that--er--that--well, we will hardly go into it now. Some other time. +The matter is a profound one, and not to be touched upon lightly. How is +my old friend Alejandro Menendez?' + +"'He is well, but--sh! Caution! Are we quite safe here? Yes? It is a +great secret, but I tell _you_--you, a trusted friend. I tell you all! +Alejandro Menendez is at this very moment approaching the shores of our +beloved isle! I can see it now--the beautiful yacht, the calm blue sea, +the brave patriots, and our glorious flag floating in the breeze! And a +more magnificent body of men never set forth in a grander cause; with +hearts full of courage and high purpose to fight, aye, to die, in the +sacred cause of Liberty!' + +"'That's great!' said I, with a burst of false enthusiasm, 'great! never +heard anything better in my life! Villasante, old fellow, put it there! +I admire your ner--feeling!' And we clasped hands. + +"'And you will join them?' I added. + +"'No, not yet,' he said, with an expressive shrug; 'I am more needed +elsewhere; here--in New York. There is money to be raised, arms and +ammunition to be procured, sympathies to enlist, influence to gain. +Later, I will see Alejandro, and the beautiful _Sylph_.' + +"'The what?' I asked, rising excitedly. + +"'The _Sylph_--the _Sylph_--queen of vessels! Senor Robson's yacht. +Senor Robson--the tall handsome fellow who was with us at the Spa. You +know him.' + +"'Know him? Of course I know him! Robson? Robson a filibuster? +Impossible!' + +"'Why so?' asked the Cuban coldly. + +"'Hell, man!' I said, 'don't you realize what it all means?--certain +failure, disgrace, death! My God, what folly!' + +"'Never, never!' shouted Villasante, waving his arms. 'Glory awaits +them! The plaudits of the world! The embraces and blessings of a freed +people! Laurel wreaths shall crown their brows! Poets shall chant their +praises! History will render them immortal! Oh, what an opportunity is +theirs! And everything has been most carefully planned. 'Twas Robson's +own idea. A picked lot of men, with rifles and ammunition. He to command +the vessel; Menendez to assume the lead on landing. Their destination, +co-operation with the patriots on shore, supplies--everything has been +arranged for. As to their success, I have no fear whatsoever!' + +"I was aghast! The thought that my hare-brained cousin was engaged in +such a foolhardy expedition was maddening. I loved the boy as a +brother--indeed he _was_ my foster-brother, brought up in my own family, +and regarded as one of us. The Cuban studied my face curiously. + +"'Senor,' said he gravely, 'knowing your sentiments, I came here to-day +for advice. There is much more to be told. Every moment is precious. +To-morrow in New York----' + +"'Stop!' I thundered, 'you have gone too far already! There is some +mistake. You are laboring under a delusion. I will tell you frankly, +Villasante, that you misjudge me. Many things have happened since I saw +you at Saratoga two years ago. My views upon public questions have +changed, as a more intimate acquaintance with any subject is apt to +effect. I should like to see your country self-governed, the Spanish +yoke overthrown, and liberty in its best sense gained; but the United +States must keep her hands off! It would mean war with a friendly +nation, an ancient ally. In other words, there would be the Devil to +pay! Can't you see our position in the matter?' + +"'Caramba!' (or something like that) exclaimed Villasante excitedly, +walking up and down, and clenching his fists. 'Your country _must_ aid +us! We can not free ourselves--quite impossible! We are weak; Spain is +mighty! For centuries she has held us in her torturing grasp! It has +been a continual drain of our blood, our pride, our gold, and all that +goes to make for the self-respect and prosperity of a nation! Cuba is +desolated! She cries for aid--first to you; if unheeded, then to the +whole world! Shall the Pearl of the Antilles fall to Germany, France, or +England?' + +"'Not while the Monroe Doctrine is respected and enforced, as it will +be!' said I spread-eagle-ly. + +"'Your Monroe Doctrine, bah, I care not _that_ for it!' said he, +snapping his fingers. 'Let the United States look to herself if she +refuses to help us! As for you, Senor,' he continued in milder tones, +but with a threatening note, 'if, as you tell me, you are no longer our +friend, as a gentleman you will at least respect the secret that I have +so ill-advisedly betrayed to you. My kinsman's life, as well as that of +the Captain Robson, depend upon your silence. I rather think you will do +us no harm, eh?' And there he had me. If I was ever disposed to violate +his confidence, the fact that I would thereby jeopardize my young cousin +would effectually deter me. I assured the tempestuous fellow that his +secret was safe with me, and after a few moments we parted, with a great +show of politeness on both sides. I was glad to have him go. + +"Again back in my seat my reflections were anything but pleasing. It was +harrowing to think of Charlie Robson so completely in the power of these +desperadoes, his probable fate, and the grief of his family and friends. +And what could I do to save him? My hands were completely tied. + +"The Villasante family and I were under the same roof, all of us being +at the Arlington, but I hoped to avoid seeing them. Certainly, after my +talk with Manuel, a meeting would be anything but agreeable. With these +and a thousand other perplexing thoughts I left the House, hailed a cab, +and was hurried to my hotel. + +"While dressing for dinner there came a discreet knock at the door, and +Manuel Villasante glided in. + +[Illustration: Manuel Villasante.] + +"I was distinctly annoyed. + +"'Pardon this intrusion, Senor,' he said courteously, 'also what I may +have said to you this afternoon. I was excited--distressed--wounded to +the heart! Perhaps I forgot myself. Let us forget it all, and be good +friends once more,' and he held out his hand with a smile. I took it. +There was something very winning about the fellow, and he made me feel +sorry and ashamed. Somehow all the blame shifted over to me. We shook +hands warmly. + +"'Now,' he said, 'you are the bon comrade I knew at Saratoga. Let it +always be so. My father and sister are waiting below and long to see +you. Perhaps you will dine with us? We will consider ourselves +fortunate.' + +"We went down to the parlors and found Mercedes and her father. She was +as beautiful as ever, and the old fellow was the same courtly, polished +man of the world as of yore; a little grayer and more rat-like, perhaps, +but showing no other signs of advancing age. Mercedes was a trifle more +plump than when I last saw her, but not unbecomingly so. What a +magnificent creature she was! + +[Illustration: Papa Villasante.] + +"My Cuban friends had much to say about their life in New York, the many +flattering attentions received from friends and acquaintances, the +opera, the shops, and other delights of metropolitan life. The Senorita +said she preferred New York to Paris; so did her papa and brother. They +loved America and everything American. + +"The dinner was a delight. Afterward we went to the theatre. The +excitement in the streets did not escape the notice of the Cubans. Nor +did the flag of Cuba Libre picked out in electric lights over the +entrance of a restaurant near the theatre, nor other significant sights +and sounds. But they warily held their peace. I looked for some show of +feeling, but there was none. A téte-â-téte with Mercedes was out of the +question, and for this I fervently thanked the gods! There was no +telling the havoc that bewitching face might have wrought. Principles, +opinions, and theories might have withered and fallen utterly consumed +beneath the fire of those ardent glances and the magic of that caressing +voice! So it was all for the best. + +"After the play there was supper, and then we returned to the hotel. +Parting with the Senorita at the elevator, not without a tender pressure +of her jeweled fingers,--ah me!--I proposed to the father and son that +we go to my club, a few staggers away. They consented and we ambled +leisurely along, the streets now quite deserted. The night was fine; +clear, and unusually warm for the season. We moved along silently, +enjoying our cigars; at peace with ourselves and all the world. As we +approached H Street I was roughly seized by the collar, a gag thrust +into my mouth, and turning in amazement was felled by a terrible blow +from a cane--Papa Villasante's cane! While on the pavement, stunned and +bleeding, blows and kicks were rained upon my face and shoulders by the +pair, who were evidently bent upon killing me. Then Manuel drew a long, +deadly looking knife! I caught its hideous gleam in the semi-light as it +was about to descend, and then I lost consciousness! + + * * * * * + +"An interested and amused group surrounded me when I opened my eyes and +realized that the end was not yet. Hillis, of Kentucky, Campbell, of +Ohio, Reyburn, of Texas, and many others were grouped about my desk in +mock solemnity. A loud laugh arose as I staggered to my feet; for I +alone, of a vast gathering, had slept soundly through one of the most +exciting debates in parliamentary history! Through it all--the battle +raging around me, and the House swept as by a great storm. Through it +all, yea, even unto the adjournment!" + +"A very pretty tale, and one to be remembered," observed Colonel +Manysnifters thoughtfully. "_I_ never had an adventure like that, +because I am awfully careful about what I eat and drink, and I roost at +chicken-time. There's no telling what will happen to a man when he +violates Nature's laws. Night is made for sleep, and the three hours +before midnight count for more than all the rest." + +"And yet, Colonel," remonstrated Van Rensselaer, "by your own admission +just now----" + +"You mean my outing with the 'Jewels,' I suppose. That, my friend, is +the solitary exception that proves the rule. That little adventure +simply confirmed yours truly in his belief of the old maxim learned at +Mammy's knee, that + + "'Early to bed and early to rise, + Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!' + +"I may misquote, but it will do. Old Sol has scarce seemed to illumine +the Western heavens ere I seek my humble couch. And yet I do not pose as +a saint. But stop! If I do not greatly err, the junior Senator from +Massachusetts seems restless and eager-eyed. I think he would like to +take the floor. I know the signs, having often observed just such a +readiness in many a good man before." + +Senator Wendell, blushing, denied the charge, but when urged by all +present responded gamely. + +"I really think I have no story to tell that would interest you. My life +has been cast upon very hum-drum matter-of-fact lines, and I can recall +no startling incident. In my native town there is a shop-keeper who, +when he is out of any article called for, tells his customers to wait a +moment while he sends the boy over to the warehouse,--the 'warehouse' +being the larger and more prosperous establishment of a rival just +around the corner,--and the boy never returns empty-handed. I shall have +to imitate my worthy friend; so pardon me just a moment." And the +Senator left us and went to his room. He soon returned with some papers. + +"I am, as perhaps you know, connected with the ---- Magazine, and this +is one of the many manuscripts that reach our office every day. These +things, with a very few exceptions, are promptly returned to their +authors--provided, of course, that sufficient postage for that purpose +is enclosed. This particular effort is as yet under advisement. Perhaps +the tale will interest you. It is called 'The Creaking of the Stairs,' +and is rather out of the ordinary. You may fancy it." + + + + +VIII + +SENATOR WENDELL READS "THE CREAKING OF THE STAIRS" + + +"After four years of luxury at the Capital there came a most disastrous +change in the Administration and I lost my rather exalted position under +the government. This was all the greater shock, for I had cherished the +comforting idea that I was protected to some extent by the Civil Service +law. However, when I recovered from the first effects of the blow I +looked the situation squarely in the face, and was content with a stray +crumb which fell from the opposition table. I had still some influence +to command, and after superhuman exertion managed to secure a +twelve-hundred-dollar clerkship. + +"My wife, always cheerful under the most trying circumstances, was fully +equal to this occasion. + +"'Well, my love,' said she, 'of course we must give up everything here, +and that will be a little trying for a while, I'll admit, but we should +be thankful that you are not thrown out altogether,' adding with a tinge +of melancholy, 'I don't think, though, that I could bear to live in +Washington after the change. Suppose we try A---- for a while.' + +"A---- is over in Maryland, about six miles from town, and very +convenient trains are run between the two places. One can live quite +comfortably there for very little, so my wife's suggestion was quickly +adopted. + +"'It reminds me of dear, dear Salem,' she said some weeks later, 'and +rents are so cheap. Think of the ridiculously small price we pay for +this house.' + +"'Suspiciously small, you mean,' said I gloomily, not at all reconciled +to my wife's choice of abode. But as my feeble protest was treated with +silence I held my peace. 'Anything for a quiet life' has ever been a +favorite conceit with me. + +"Mrs. Ploat had taken an old-fashioned house in Queen Anne Street, large +enough for a family of twenty persons. Now, as my household consisted of +only my wife, her unmarried sister, and myself, I could not understand +what was wanted with such capacious quarters. But I had no say in the +matter. My wife fancied the house, it seemed to me, on account of its +colonial air, wide halls, huge high-ceilinged rooms, and general lack of +modern improvements. + +"I never liked the house in Queen Anne Street, though this aversion was +apparently unreasonable, for we were cosy enough after the throes of +moving in and settling down were over. But it struck me from the start +that there was something decidedly uncanny about the place, and a vague +feeling of uneasiness became very keenly defined in me whenever I heard +the creaking of the stairs. + +"The stairs throughout the house had an infernal habit of creaking--one +after another--as if somebody was coming up or down. At first I thought +it was the rats that infested the old mansion in legions; but I +abandoned this idea after a few experiments which proved conclusively +that the creaking sounds could only be made by a person or thing quite +as heavy, if not heavier, than myself--then tipping the beam at one +hundred and eighty pounds. + +"In the course of time I became personally acquainted with each stair in +the Queen Anne Street house, and especially with those in the main +flight. Business, or pleasure, often compelled me to keep late hours, +and on such occasions, on arriving home, I would naturally try to reach +my room as quietly as possible. With my shoes in my hand, and by a +series of agile leaps from one less noisy stair to another, I usually +succeeded in attaining the upper part of the house without much +disturbance. + +"The annoying sounds occurred at all hours, but were of course more +noticeable at night. I am a light sleeper, and was invariably awakened +by them, and this, with the loud ticking of a grandfather's clock on the +first landing, usually banished further slumber, and I would arise at +daybreak, weary and unrefreshed. The clock was finally stopped, after a +heated discussion with my wife and sister-in-law, who regarded it with +something akin to reverence. It was indeed a venerable affair. I hated +the thing even when it was quiet, for it reminded me of a coffin set on +end, and I would pass it in the dark hurriedly, and with averted face. + +"I do not think that either my wife or sister-in-law ever heard the +creaking of the stairs. If they did they never said anything about it to +me. For my part, I was silent, because I did not want to be laughed at +by my womenkind, and I knew also that if the matter reached the ear of +our only servant she would immediately take her departure. Help is not +easy to obtain in A----, and if it were known that our home was haunted +we would be obliged to do all our own drudgery in future. + +"This state of things continued nearly a year. Occasionally, for a week +or two at a time, the creaking stopped altogether. In these intervals I +slept well and improved in every way, but when the disturbances returned +I became more depressed and gloomy than ever. My health was wretched at +the time, and I felt that I was gradually breaking down. + +"At last I determined to call upon my landlord, Doctor Matthai, and lay +the trouble before him. He was born and raised in the house, and I +thought it probable that he could solve the mystery, or at least suggest +a remedy. Doctor Matthai lived just across the way in a quaint cottage +covered with great climbing roses and set well back in a prim garden, +with hollyhocks and hedges of box, and an ancient sun-dial which was my +wife's never-ending delight. + +"The doctor was a short, thick-set, heavily whiskered gentleman, and +looked more like a retired man of affairs than the prosy recluse that he +was; but he had long since ceased to take any active interest in life, +and gave himself up entirely to scientific study and research of a more +or less abstruse nature. A useless sort of existence, it seemed to me, +as mankind was never destined, nor intended, to reap the benefits of his +labor. His sister kept house for him, and had full charge of all his +business matters. The doctor owned considerable property, and Miss +Regina proved a capable manager; as a collector of rents she certainly +had no equal--to that I can cheerfully testify. She was not popular in +A----, nor was her eccentric brother. Unpleasant tales were told about +Matthai. I never knew all the particulars, but they had something to do +with the murder of a slave in antebellum days. The townsfolk were +extremely reticent on the subject, and very mercifully so, for, as I +have since learned, the tragedy occurred in our house in Queen Anne +Street. + +"I found Doctor Matthai in his library, immersed in study as usual; +quite out of the world so far as every-day happenings were concerned. He +greeted me rather coldly. + +"'I beg your pardon,' said I, 'but I have come to see you about the +house.' + +"'My sister, Regina----' he interrupted. + +"'Yes, I know,' said I, 'but this visit is to _you_, though I fear you +will look upon what I have to say as very nonsensical and farfetched. To +me, though, it is a very serious matter.' + +"I dwelt at length upon the grievance; putting it as strongly as +possible. The doctor listened attentively, and when I concluded, laughed +and said, 'I believe you fully as to the creaking of the stairs, but you +attach entirely too much importance to it. The noise results, I have no +doubt, from perfectly natural causes. You must remember, sir, that the +stairways are very old indeed, any jar from the movement of persons in +other parts of the house, the action of the wind against the walls, or +the rotting or shrinking of wood from age will produce just such sounds +as you have heard. I quite fail, therefore, to see any mystery about +it.' + +"'However,' he continued, 'I will send a carpenter around who will +probably set things to rights; that is, if the expense be not too great. +I am not prepared to put a large sum of money on the house; and +stairways, you know, are costly arrangements at best.' I fully agreed +with him. + +"'By the way,' said he, blinking at me through his thick glasses, 'there +is just a bit of nervousness in your make-up, isn't there? "A little off +your feed," as Regina says; liver out of shape--something of that sort, +eh?' I confessed that that was just it. I frankly told him that I was +not only a nervous man, but a miserably sick and frightened one to boot. +He did not offer to prescribe for me, and after some moments of silence +I judged that he considered our interview at an end. I arose to go, but +on leaving the room fired a parting shot, which, to my surprise, proved +a telling one. + +"'Doctor,' said I, 'before you send the man to make repairs I would like +you to hear the creaking of the stairs for yourself--just as a matter of +curiosity. My wife and sister-in-law are going up to the old home in a +few days. Suppose you come over and spend a night with me while they are +away.' + +"The doctor chuckled, 'You are a queer fellow, Mr. Ploat; a queer +fellow, and no mistake. You say you are run down, played out, can't +sleep. Take more exercise, sir; give up late suppers, drink less, stop +smoking. A man leading the sedentary life you do should take more care +of himself. I am older than you are, and a physician. My advice may be +worth something. As to coming over and staying with you, I don't see +that there is anything in that. It seems absurd, quite so; but +nevertheless, I will humor you. Let me know when to come, but on no +account say anything of this to my sister. My absence would greatly +alarm her. I have not been out of this house after dark for over forty +years!' + +"With this strange assertion our conversation closed. + +"The following Monday my wife and sister-in-law left for Salem, and +Doctor Matthai promised to be with me on Wednesday night. When I found +myself alone in the house I resolved to put into execution an idea which +struck me with much force. I thought it very likely that I would find +out whether the creaking of the stairs was of human or supernatural +origin; and this I hoped would be made plain before the doctor came +over. That the noise was due to natural causes, as he so adroitly +suggested, I, in my heart of hearts, could not bring myself to believe. +Poe is my favorite author, and he perhaps could have suggested a +solution of the perplexities that beset me; but no inspiration came to +me from the oft-read pages which I turned over and over in despair. + +"My plan was a simple one, and it was odd that I had not thought of it +before; but after all, it would have been impracticable as long as my +wife and sister-in-law were in the house. + +"On Tuesday night I sprinkled a thin layer of flour over each stair, +from basement to attic. This was a task of an hour or so, but I felt +that I did not labor in vain. Then I turned in and slept soundly until +midnight, when I was awakened as usual by the creaking of the stairs. It +is hardly necessary to say that I remained in bed, making no attempt +whatever to investigate, but valiantly drew up the covers over my head, +fully expecting every moment to feel the weight of a dreadful hand upon +some portion of my body. + +"In the morning, my bravery having returned, I found upon each stair the +clear impression of a naked human foot! The footprints were very large, +and were made in ascent. There was no trace of them beyond the third +floor, for the flour on the stairway to the attic above had been +partially brushed off as by a trailing garment. The attic was perfectly +bare, affording no hiding-place for man or beast, as there were no +closets, presses or means of concealment of any kind. My visitor may +have gone out by way of the trap door in the loft which opened upon the +roof, but it was securely bolted on the inside, and the bolts, which +were caked with rust in their fastenings, had evidently not been pulled +out for years. I made a thorough search of the attic, the loft, and the +upper floors of the house, but failed utterly to discover any further +trace of the prowler. + +[Illustration: "--Upon each stair the clear impression of a naked human +Foot!"] + +"I hardly knew whether to feel relieved or not when I learned that the +unknown was no ghost after all. Certainly not the vapory, unsubstantial +kind that flit through mansions such as mine. Here was a being of solid, +nay, gigantic proportions, as the creakings and huge footprints fully +attested. I knew, though, that I would assuredly have the best of Dr. +Matthai should he (or she) of the massive feet see fit to appear on the +coming night. + +"After carefully sweeping up the floor I shut up the house, and resolved +to keep my own counsel. I breakfasted in Washington that morning, +having, for obvious reasons, given our servant a holiday, and returned +to A---- about five in the afternoon; dining later with Doctor Matthai, +who met me at the station and very hospitably insisted upon my going +home with him. Shortly after dinner I bade my host and his sister +good-evening and went over to my own deserted dwelling. An hour or so +after, Doctor Matthai came in. Both of us were armed, and I thought it +singular that the doctor, who appeared to treat the whole affair as a +joke, should have taken that precaution. We sat by the open fire in my +dining-room, smoking; the doctor lingering somewhat mournfully upon the +departed greatness of A---- which, it seems, had once been a town of +considerable social and commercial importance. With reminiscence and +ancedote the hours sped by, and it was nearly midnight when we retired. + +"The doctor, sharing my bed, asked me to arouse him if I heard anything +during the night. I slept fairly well until the clock on the mantel +struck two, when I awoke with a start. Complete silence reigned, and I +rolled over again for another nap. As I did so I heard a faint creaking +sound on the upper stair! + +"'Ah,' thought I, 'it is coming down.' And so it proved. I gave the +doctor a violent nudge. He opened his eyes and looked at me stupidly. + +"'Hush,' I whispered, 'don't you hear it? Don't you hear it?' + +"'Yes, I do,' replied he, sitting up and peering into the darkness. + +"Creak! Creak! Creak! Nearer 'It' came, and our floor was reached. +Clutching his revolver, Doctor Matthai sprang out of bed and ran to the +door. Then a horrible scream of terror and anguish rang through the +house. An invisible hand seemed to drag the unfortunate man out of the +room. There was a brief, desperate struggle on the landing, the creature +went heavily down the stairs, and the street door shut with a bang! + +"When I recovered to some extent from the panic of fear and trembling +into which I was thrown by this awful and inexplicable occurrence, I +hurriedly dressed, and seeing nothing of the doctor, went over at once +to his cottage. Remembering his caution about Miss Regina, and not +wishing to otherwise frighten her, I ran around to the alley at the rear +of the grounds and climbed over the fence. The doctor's library and +bedroom were adjoining apartments on the ground floor, and the long, low +windows of each opened upon a porch at the side of the house. All the +blinds were closed and securely fastened. I knocked on them several +times, but there was no response, though a dim light was burning in the +library. I heard some one moving inside, and for a moment I thought I +heard the sound of voices in angry argument or expostulation. But of +this I cannot be positive. I remained on the porch at least ten minutes, +vainly trying to get into the rooms, then I gave it up and left the +premises. + +"My state of mind after the harrowing events of the night was indeed +distressing. I did not--could not--return home. I have an indistinct +recollection of walking swiftly up and down the deserted streets and far +out into the country. Daylight found me several miles from the town; +hatless, wild-eyed, a sorry spectacle, at whom one or two farmers, on +their way to early market, gazed in amazement. When I turned back, the +sun was high in the heavens. I went again to Doctor Matthai's. A crowd +stood about the door. I was rudely seized and placed under arrest, +charged--oh, my God!--with the murder of Doctor Matthai! The shockingly +mutilated body had just been found in the hallway of the old house in +Queen Anne Street! * * * I am innocent, innocent! Weeks--they seem +centuries--pass, and I yet await trial. * * * + + * * * * * + +"George Delwyn Ploat, the writer of the above remarkable story, was +hanged in the jailyard at A---- for the wilful and brutal murder of +Doctor Ambrose Matthai, a retired practitioner of that place. The plea +of insanity, so strongly urged by the prisoner's counsel, proved +unavailing, and the condemned man paid the penalty for his crime on +Friday morning last." + + * * * * * + +"You know what a story like that demands, I suppose," said Colonel +Manysnifters, reaching for the button; "and as I seem to be the +self-appointed chairman here, I will now call upon the gentleman from +Michigan for a few remarks. I am sure that he will not disappoint us. +Senator, we are waiting for you, sir." + +"Very well," said Senator Hammond, "since there seems to be no escape, I +will do the best I can." + + + + +IX + +SENATOR HAMMOND'S EXPERIENCE + + +"The facts that I am about to relate occurred many years ago while I was +on a visit to relatives in Charleston, South Carolina. The old house +where I was a guest stands on the Battery, and with its beautiful +gardens is still one of the show places of the city. + +"It was on a warm Sunday afternoon, and I found myself alone in the +house, the family and servants at church, and a brooding stillness that +presaged the approach of a storm, settling over all. At that time I was +a dreamy, romantic, long-haired youth with all sorts of notions about +the artistic temperament, carelessness in dress, and painting miniatures +for a living. They told me I had some talent, and I believed them +thoroughly. + +"I had wandered in from the garden, my hands full of flowers for the +vases in the library, when a sudden gust of wind tore through the wide +hall, the door shut with a bang, and I found myself face to face with my +ancestors. Grim gentlemen with somber faces, simpering almond-eyed +beauties in cobwebby laces; and in the place of honor a frowning hag, +whose wrinkles even the flattering painter dare not hide. Time had added +to the sallowness of her complexion, and certain cracks in the canvas +but intensified her ugliness. Artistic cracks they were, too, for they +fell in just the right places, and heightened the general effect +amazingly. + +"Doubtless it was from this person, thought I, that I inherited my +rather nasty temper and other moral and mental infirmities. I gazed at +the lady long and earnestly, for as an ardent believer in heredity I +felt that here I had the key to a problem which often worried me. I +resolved to look her up at once in the family records. + +"But I was saved that trouble. + +"'Young man,' piped a high, thin voice close at hand, 'in my day it was +considered boorish in the extreme to stare at any one as you are now +doing. No gentleman, I am sure, would have been guilty of such a thing. +But these modern manners, and modern ways are quite beyond me. Perhaps +it is the mode nowadays to ape the rude youths who hung about the London +playhouses in my time. N'est'ce pas?' + +"I felt decidedly uncomfortable. + +"'Pardon me, I----' + +"'Stop!' said the voice, which came from the ugly one in the corner, +'stop, if you please! Don't attempt to apologize or explain; it takes +too much time, and time with me is very precious just now. You see,' she +added in milder tones, 'when one is allowed to have a say only once in a +century, and but fifteen minutes at that, one naturally wants to do all +the talking. That's perfectly reasonable, is it not? So keep quiet, my +dear, and listen to me. No interruptions, if you please. + +"'I am Margaret Holmead, your blood relation. You have the Holmead +figure, and coloring, and I knew you were one of us as soon as you came +into the room. Well. + +"'Do you see that hussy in the ruff over there? That is Mary Darragh, +Lady Benneville, my bitterest, bitterest enemy! See how she smiles at +me! Deceitful minx! When I tell you all you will surely take her out of +the room and fling her into the fire! For sixty years she has hung there +taunting me. They brought her down from the hall above just to spite me, +I do believe. 'Twas done in your grandfather's time. He was a Benneville +all over, and of course had no use for me. So for sixty long years I +have had to face Mary Darragh and submit to her impertinence, and I tell +you I am sick of it! Why do I hate her? For a very good reason, sir. Let +me tell you about it. + +"'My troubles began at the Duchess of Bolton's ball, long before I came +to this dreadful America. The King was there, and Lady Morley-Frere. If +my voice trembles as I mention their names, it is with rage I assure +you, and no wonder--for God knows that between them they played me a +scurvy trick! Yes, these two were there, and Lord Benneville, my cousin, +the handsomest man in all England--indeed, in all the world, I thought. +He was tall and slight, with wavy hair, light brown, almost golden, in +the sunlight. His eyes were gray, a lovely shade, though those who hated +him swore 'twas green. A clever supple swordsman, and to the fore in all +the rough games that men delight in. His face was very winsome, yet +often swept by varying moods. I have seen it hard and stern, and again +alight with the keenest appreciation of one of my Lord Kenneth's +witticisms. And, too, I have seen it tender, pleading, and melancholy +almost unto tears. Ah me! + +"'Lord Kenneth, older by several years; taller, darker, soured by a +great disappointment--so 'twas said--loved my Lord Benneville with all +the affection his selfish nature allowed. And Benneville returned it +frankly, in his open boyish fashion. They were ever together, and their +adventures and daring escapades more than once nearly threw them into +serious trouble. But what cared they, crack-brained as they were? Why, +on one pitch dark night, masked and mounted, my Lords Kenneth and +Benneville held up the Royal Mail, frightened the passengers almost to +death, and alarmed the whole countryside; sober folk who thought the +Devil himself was abroad! But the King only smiled indulgently, and +nothing came of it save much gossip at court. They were merry days for +all of us; balls and routs, and parties on the river, the King so +handsome and debonair, and the world so bright with sunshine and +happiness. Youth, my dear, is a great thing; what is there to compare +with it? + +"'But I am losing time. I must hasten to the ball at the Duchess's. 'Tis +hardly fair, this terrible silence they have imposed upon me. A century +at a stretch--think of it! + +"'I looked my best that night, at least every one said I did, and I had +my mirror to tell me so too. My gown was a wondrous figured thing from +the Indies--a soft, clinging, silken stuff that became me well. Royalty +sent an armful of great purple blossoms, strange in shape and smelling +ravishingly. My clever Prue spent hours on my hair, with the little +Lafitte for the finishing touches. My father was waiting below, and his +eyes shone with joy when he saw me; for he was proud, very proud of his +only daughter. + +"'The King patted my cheek and said such pretty things, and kissed me. +Little did I know what was to follow! Child, beware of Princes and +princely favor, for therein lies destruction! + +"'The night wore on, and the affair became gayer and more crowded. I had +been much with my Lord Benneville, who seemed quiet and preoccupied, yet +very tender and sweet withal. At that time there existed an +understanding between Arthur and me. Nothing announced as yet, for my +lover feared the King. His Majesty, of late, had been singularly +attentive to me. In fact, so marked had this been that the Queen's +manner toward me became more distant every day; thanks to Lady +Morley-Frere, Mary Darragh, and the other busybodies who had the royal +ear, and hated me. If I coquetted with the King 'twas but to see my +heart's real master frown, and his face grow wan and sad, for by those +very tokens I knew that he loved me. + +"'As I say, something was wrong with my dear Lord that night, and after +I had danced twice with the King, and once with the old Duke, Benneville +came to claim me. He took me away from the throng into a little gilded +room with scattered tables for cards, and there we were quite to +ourselves. + +"'"My darling," said he, "the King has honored me with a very special +mission. His Majesty deems that of all his loving subjects I am the best +fitted for this most important business," and my lover's voice +hoarsened, and there was hatred in his face. "I start at once for that +far city where the Grand Turk holds court. It is a long journey, and a +hard; and who can say when I will return? I have feared this all along, +sweetest one, and I have tried in vain to put off the evil day; and yet, +by Heaven, I will thwart him! You shall be Lady Benneville before +sunrise! And you will, dearest?" + +"'He took me in his arms. I was trembling from head to foot; fearful, +yet joyous. Mine is an emotional nature. But his next words sent a chill +through me. + +"'"Lady Morley-Frere has promised to help me. You must leave the palace +with her, and drive straight to St. Stephens-in-the-Fields. She has +arranged it all, like the dear, clever woman she is. As for me, I am in +Kenneth's hands." + +"'"No! No!" I cried out suddenly, quite aghast. "Not Lord Kenneth! O +God; not that man!" I feared and hated Robert, Lord Kenneth, and knew +well that he had no liking for me. "Not Lord Kenneth," I urged. + +"'"He is my friend," said Lord Benneville gravely. + +"'So what more could I say? + +"'"Your father has gone home, tired out," he said, by all this +frivolity, but Lady Morley-Frere will keep you to the end; and then to +Morley House with her. That at least is what she told him, and he seemed +well content." + +"'I nodded passively, but wondered, knowing as I did my father's +especial detestation for Lady Morley-Frere. Why, they scarcely spoke! +But of course my Arthur knew. There was no further time for parley, +however, as several of the guests, upon gaming bent, invaded our +retreat, and we returned to the ballroom. + +"'Old Lady Morley-Frere gave me a meaning look when we met at supper, +but had only the opportunity to whisper in passing, "At two o'clock; the +little door under the green lanthorn." I knew the place well, having +often taken chair there when the crowd pressed in front. Two o'clock +came, and we succeeded in leaving the palace quite unobserved, thanks to +the private door. It was bitterly cold and snowing hard, and we had +scarce left the court-yard when I fell to shivering, my teeth clicking +like castanets. Lady Morley-Frere, seeing my plight, held out a silver +flask, and from the depths of her cloak growled out, "Drink, drink! +'Twill set you right in a trice. 'Tis hot and spiced, and good for you." +I obeyed her. I had hardly swallowed it before a delicious warmth stole +over me, and every nerve tingled with pleasure. I sank back into the +cushions revived--exalted! Then I fell asleep. Oh, the shame of it! The +shame of it! A thousand curses upon a tipple that caused such woe! May +eternal perdition be the portion of the giver! + +"'Strong arms enfolded me when I came to my senses. My Benneville, I was +sure of it! + +"Darling," I murmured, still feeling strangely, "I have come to you. +Yes, out of the storm have I come to you! Like a weary, drenched bird, I +seek rest in thy dear arms! Kiss me, my dearest, kiss me!" + +"'He kissed me again and again ... How can I go on?... There was a sound +of smothered laughter--the irritating laugh of a woman I hated.... His +face was close to mine.... I opened my eyes.... Oh, God! It was the +King! + +"'In my rage and confusion I flung him from me, and fell, half-fainting, +to the floor. Then I heard my Lord Benneville say brokenly, as one +crushed by awful trouble, "Your Majesty is right. I pray you forgive my +harsh words of yesterday. Fool, fool that I am to have been so tricked! +O my Liege, my Liege, death would have been far preferable to this!" And +then my dear Lord, sobbing, went out into the gray dawn, and out of my +life forever! + + * * * * * + +"'They took me from the King's chamber, and revived by the sharp air in +the street I managed to grope my way to my father's house. To _him_ I +told nothing, for he was proud of me, and should I have killed him? Yet +he was much perplexed at my determination, for I never showed my face at +court again!' + +"My relative's voice, growing weaker every moment, flickered and died +out in a hissing whisper just as the silver chime over the mantel +proclaimed that her time was up. Then I must have awakened. + +"It may have been a dream, but so impressed was I by the old lady's +story that all the rest of the week I searched for further light upon +it. Into old carven chests I dived, opening package after package of +mouldy papers. In the attic trunks and boxes were rifled, until at last, +about to give up in despair, I found in an old desk a letter. It was in +French with the Benneville crest and seal, brown with age, and by no +means easy to decipher. The place of writing, and the date, quite beyond +human ken, so frayed and stained was the upper margin. Freely +translated, the letter read: + + "'My Dear Old Bobby: + + "'Here we are, safe and sound. And what can I say to you, friend of + friends? This last scrape was the worst of all; was it not? Worse + by far than the affairs with the little Italian, or the fat + Princess, eh, Bobby, my boy? Our heartfelt thanks to his Majesty, + God bless him! and to Lady Morley-Frere, and to your dear self--our + eternal love! Oh, Bobby, the thought of marrying that sour-visaged + cousin of mine makes me ill, even now! And yet--at the time, before + I told you--I felt myself slowly drifting into it. The ground + seemed to be slipping from under my feet, as it were. I felt wholly + lost--trapped, by Jove! She was very determined. We are here with + the Ambassador until the affair blows over. My sweetest Mary joins + me in love. + + "'Ever your affectionate friend, + + "'BENNEVILLE.'" + +"A dirty low trick of that fellow Benneville, I must say," said Colonel +Manysnifters disgustedly. "That sort of thing could never have happened +in these days. Did they ever move the Darragh woman's picture out of the +room?" he asked. + +"I believe so--some years later," replied Senator Hammond dryly; "in +fact, they were _all_ moved out, and hurried into the up-country for +safe-keeping. That was about the time that we boys in blue were making +it particularly unpleasant for the residents of that part of the State. +I never knew the fate of the collection. I have not been South since +'64." + +"Well, anyway, Senator," said the Colonel, "I see you have got a line on +your ancestors, and that's more than many of us can say. I've never +bothered about mine. Descendants are bad enough. My forebears came over +to America years ago as ballast--didn't have any names, just numbers, +mostly thirteen and twenty-three! That old lady you were telling us +about certainly got it in the neck, and I hope that she will even +matters up in the other world. If she hasn't, by the time I get there I +will do all I can to help her out--always assuming, of course, that I am +going to the same place. + +"Now, if you gentlemen of the press will kindly step to the front and +favor us with your yarns we will all be mightily obliged to you. I have +heard nothing from any of you since 'way back in the dining-car. Some +observation about the moon, I believe." + +Mr. Callahan, the dean of the corps, blushed slightly. + +"It was O'Brien who got off the spiel about the moon. _I_ have outgrown +that sort of thing. In my younger days I might have--well, we won't be +hard on O'Brien. He is not a bad fellow at heart, and I believe he will +try to do better in future. Now, as it seems to be my turn at +word-painting, I am going to tell you of an affair that occurred in +Washington a few years ago. It has to do with a well-known society girl, +an irascible father, a bad Chinaman, and a high collar--seemingly +irreconcilable elements, I'll admit, but I will do my best to mix 'em +in. I had the story in sections from most of the parties concerned; a +wide acquaintance with the police and an intimate knowledge of the +Chinese quarter helping out considerably. The odds and ends, pieced +together, make, I hope, a hearable tale." + + + + +X + +MR. CALLAHAN'S STORY + + +"My story begins, then, on a bright Sabbath afternoon in mid-autumn when +Miss Janet Cragiemuir left her home in K Street and set out leisurely +upon her walk to Bethany Church, where she revelled in her latest fad. +She had recently taken a class in the Chinese Sunday-school. The good +work began at three o'clock, and as it was nearly that hour, groups of +Chinamen stood out on the sidewalk chattering as only Celestials can. +They greeted Miss Cragiemuir with grave courtesy when she approached, +and shuffled lazily out of her way as she swept past. She was followed +into the building by her three scholars, one of whom presented her with +a small package which was accepted with some reluctance. Then a brief +whispered argument took place between the two, the Chinaman appearing to +have decidedly the best of it, for he displayed his broken, yellow teeth +in a hideous grin when his teacher turned from him to the other members +of the class. + +"Miss Cragiemuir was attached to her scholars, an intelligent lot of +men, speaking English fairly well, and at times quite electrifying her +by their naïve observations on men and things. But Ah Moy, the ugly +fellow at the end of the form, was her especial pride. That gorgeously +clad individual was considered the star scholar of the school, and as a +shining example of what Christian training can do for the heathen was +often pointed out to visitors. Well, Ah Moy _was_ undeniably clever, but +not in just the way the good people of Bethany imagined. As a matter of +fact, a more corrupt Chinaman had never been smuggled into America. +Ostensibly in the laundry business, and really a master workman in that +line, the astute Chink had long since relinquished the labor over the +tubs and ironing-board to Hop Wah, his silent partner. Ah Moy's chief +interest in the establishment lay in its cavernous sub-cellar, where he +conducted gaming tables and a smoking-'parlor' with flattering success. +The gods evidently smiled upon him, for his den seemed to be unknown to +the police, though they had ferreted out all other resorts of the kind +in the city. As there is no 'graft' in Washington, and 'the Finest' are +above reproach, the idea that Ah Moy enjoyed police protection should be +dismissed with indignation. + +"Ah Moy's place bore an unsavory reputation even among the saffron-hued +residents of Four-and-a-half Street, but its bland proprietor was +regarded by the authorities as a particularly inoffensive and +law-abiding specimen--his high standing at Bethany proving a very strong +card. He was also the head of a powerful secret society, or 'tong,' and +wielded a tremendous influence in the Washington settlement, so his +countrymen dared not betray him. There was another, and in its way an +equally potent reason why the Chinaman played so well the rôle of +convert. He had fallen desperately in love with Miss Cragiemuir, and to +the unconscious girl his antics were puzzling, to say the least. He +annoyed her, too, with presents--trifles which she could not well refuse +without a scene, for after much surly mumbling he would sulk in his +corner like a spoiled child unless she instantly accepted his offerings. +So jars of preserved ginger, hideous ivory images, and trinkets of every +description were showered upon her, much to her discomfiture. + +"On the afternoon I speak of, Ah Moy, who had eclipsed all previous +records for brilliant recitations, became decidedly uneasy as the +benediction was being pronounced, and when he arose from his knees +tapped Miss Cragiemuir gently with his fan. + +"'Can Ah Moy walk home with pletty lady?' he asked in dove-like tones. + +"Now Miss Cragiemuir's fads were invariably carried through to the last +extremity, and Ah Moy's request, instead of embarrassing her, afforded a +thrill of gratification. She felt sure that he yearned for a fuller +knowledge of the great truths that had been unfolded in the afternoon's +lesson, and she also felt, with some exaltation of spirit, that her +influence over the man was being exerted for much good. So she nodded a +pleasant assent to the delighted Celestial, who blushed and trembled +with joy; and a blushing, trembling Chinaman is a sight for the gods! + +"'Well, Ah Moy,' she said in her best manner, 'I hope you will think +over what you have learned to-day, ponder it in your heart, and let it +be a subject of prayer. I see a great change in you--a change for the +better. The good seed has taken root, and my puny efforts will yet bear +fruit in due season. Now next Sunday we will take up the wonderful story +of "Daniel in the Lion's Den." That will interest you, I am sure.' + +"'Ah Moy takee up anysing that Missee want,' said the Chinaman +gallantly. 'Ah Moy velly, velly fond of Missee. He no come to +Slunday-school at all if teacher no come too! Slunday-school is a great +big bluff most allee time--it seem to me. Humbug, eh?' + +"This was a staggerer. + +"'Why, Ah Moy, how perfectly shocking! "Bluff!" "Humbug!" Where did you +learn such words? Oh, Ah Moy, you don't know how much you distress me! I +thought better of you than that; I did indeed! What do you come to the +school for? Isn't it because you want to be a better man, and to lead a +good and useful life? I certainly thought so. I am disappointed in you, +Ah Moy, more than I can say. This is dreadful!' + +"'Ah Moy rich,' he continued, unnoticing; 'got plenty money, habee heap +house--one in 'Flisco, one in San Looey, one here in this city. He want +get mallied; lovee gal, 'flaid tell her. 'Flaid makee mad. Ah Moy +bashful!' + +"'Really?' said Miss Cragiemuir with interest, wondering which of the +two or three women at the Mission he meant, 'In love! Oh, Ah Moy, how +romantic! Who is she? Perhaps I can help you.' + +"'I don't likee say,' replied he coyly. + +"'How foolish, Ah Moy. Tell me--I will promise not to mention it--not to +say a word to any one. Understand?' + +"'Plomise?' asked he craftily. + +"'Certainly I will promise. Don't you think I can keep a secret? Lots of +people tell me things--that's because they trust me. Who do you want to +marry? Ah, I believe I know. Isn't it Hoi Kee?' + +"'No-o.' + +"'Oo-Chow?' + +"'No-o.' + +"'Hoi Sing?' + +"'No-o.' + +"'Well, I declare! Who on earth is it then?' + +"'Ah Moy want mallie _you_!' + +"'What?' + +"Miss Cragiemuir, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, giggled +hysterically. A flush of rage darkened the Chinaman's sallow features, +and his eyes glittered with anger. Had the street been deserted he would +have strangled her, then and there, after the pleasing Oriental fashion. +But the time and place were unpropitious. + +"'Mellican gal makee fun of Ah Moy,' he said gruffly. 'She think he +joke, when allee time he mean velly much what he say!' + +"Then the teacher lost her temper. + +"'How dare you say such a thing to me? Are you crazy? You must be! Don't +you ever talk to me again like that. Do you hear? Leave me--go away! I +don't want you to walk a step further with me! Go home! I hope I will +never, never see you again!' and she turned her back on him indignantly. +Ah Moy made no response, but still stuck gamely at her side. She walked +faster; so did he, keeping right in line. For a square or so they +hurried along. Then she gave it up, slowed down, and said mildly, 'I am +glad, of course, that you are fond of me, Ah Moy. I want all the members +of my class to like me. I am trying to do a good part by you, and I hope +some day to see you back in your native land leading your people to the +light; but you have a great deal to learn yet. Besides,' she added +thoughtfully, reverting to his unlucky remark, 'haven't you a wife in +China?' + +"'I have _two_ wifee in old countly,' replied Ah Moy proudly, 'but I +have none in 'Mellica--not a single wifee--no, not one! Ah Moy want +'Mellican wifee, so ba-ad, so ba-ad!' he said plaintively. + +"Miss Cragiemuir was seized with a wild desire to shriek with laughter, +but she wisely suppressed it. She felt that with the frank avowal of her +scholar the end of her usefulness at Bethany was drawing near. It +sobered and saddened her. + +"Ah Moy accompanied her in sullen silence to the door of the house in K +Street. Well-dressed church-goers gazed curiously at the pair, and many +facetious remarks were bandied about. Fragments of this found their way +to the ear of Major Cragiemuir as he was taking his afternoon airing in +the park, and filled him with wrath. The Major is a testy, pompous +specimen of the retired army officer, and takes himself very seriously. +His sense of dignity and propriety is never for a moment in abeyance, +and covers himself and all his belongings like a pall. + +"'This thing shall be stopped,' he declared, fuming with rage. 'I have +put up with Janet's infernal nonsense long enough! I won't have her the +laughing stock of the town! She shall give up this Chinese Sunday-school +business at once! But what next, what next?' he groaned 'Really, Janet +is getting quite beyond me--something decisive will have to be done. +Each new fad is more damnable than the other! Will there never be any +let up? God knows I have been a good father, and let her have her own +way in everything--nearly everything; but this is going a little too +far! If her mother had lived things would have been so different. Ah, +me!' And muttering angrily to himself, he whacked the inoffending +shrubbery with his cane. + +"The old gentleman's walk was quite spoiled. + +"When Miss Cragiemuir and Ah Moy reached the house in K Street the young +woman thanked her pupil for his escort, and politely wished him a good +afternoon. As she was about to leave him he madly seized her around the +waist, exclaiming, 'Ah Moy kissee you good-bye!' and tried his best to +do so. Miss Cragiemuir screamed, and nearly fainted with fright. +Luckily, the Major turned the corner just at this moment, and speedily +took in the situation. He rushed at the Chinaman, hurling him to the +pavement, and beat him soundly with his ever-ready stick. Then he +bestowed several well-directed kicks upon the prostrate form. Ah Moy +scrambled to his feet and fled, closely pursued by the enraged Major; +but the nimble-footed Chink managed to make good his escape, darting +into a friendly alley, and disappearing. + +"The terrified girl hurried into the house, and received shortly +afterward from her father a brief, but spirited lecture, which she will +long remember. He sternly declared, after touching upon all of her +hobbies,--he called them by a stronger name,--that if she continued to +give him trouble he would close up the Washington house and live in +future at The Oaks, the Cragiemuir place down in Maryland. This dire +threat proved most effectual, for Janet hated The Oaks, and she recalled +with disagreeable vividness one never-to-be-forgotten year spent there +as a child. So she went to her room and wrote to the superintendent at +Bethany that a sudden change in her plans would force her to give up her +class. The letter, a masterpiece in its way, closed with expressions of +the deepest regret, and was duly received by the excellent Mr. Bagby, +who felt that both Bethany and himself had sustained an irreparable +loss. + +"But the affair of the Chinaman by no means ended here. + +"Ten minutes after his unpleasant encounter with Major Cragiemuir, Ah +Moy arrived at his place of business in Four-and-a-half Street, a mass +of bruises, and with a heart full of hatred for his assailant. Perhaps, +after all, the fellow had meant no harm. In his guileless, imitative way +he had simply tried to do what he had often seen American young men do. +Had he not frequently observed big Policeman Ryan kiss the red-haired +widow who kept the lodging-house around on Missouri Avenue? Did not +Muggsy Walker--across the street--salute his sweetheart in the same +manner? Ah Moy had many times witnessed what struck him as a most absurd +ceremony on the part of the foreign devils; but he had watched them +closely, though, and flattered himself that he too could do the proper +thing when occasion called for it. He had, in fact, done so, and was +beaten for his pains! This was a h--l of a country, anyhow, thought he; +after this he would stick to the good old ways of his native land, and +have a whole skin to his credit. The teachings of a long line of +philosophical ancestors were by no means lost upon this their up-to-date +descendant. No more monkey tricks for him! + +"On the night of the beating, Ah Moy did not feel equal to presiding +over the tables, so the resort was closed for the first time in many +months. Down in the dark sub-cellar he soothed his ruffled feelings with +a long, quiet smoke, and meditated upon elaborate though somewhat +impracticable schemes of revenge as he lay in his bunk. + +"Several days later the Chinaman, still sore and in a bad humor, swung +himself on a car for Sam Yen's, whose laundry was some distance up town. +Yen was a quiet, easygoing fellow, and Ah Moy thought it great fun to +badger and worry him whenever there was nothing more promising in view. +On this particular morning Ah Moy found Yen shaking with a chill, and +almost too weak to drag himself across the room. Sam scarcely replied to +his tormentor's teasing, and the latter was about to leave the place in +disgust, when a well-known countenance appeared in the doorway, and +Dennis Coogan came in. + +"Coogan was Major Cragiemuir's factotum, and Ah Moy, who had spent many +a weary hour opposite the house in K Street waiting to catch a glance of +Janet Cragiemuir, knew him by sight. Coogan presented a ticket and +demanded his 'wash.' Sam Yen reached feebly for the pink slip of paper, +peered up and down the rows of bundles on the shelves, and finally +announced that the garments were not ready, but would be later in the +day. Coogan then stalked out, stating that he would call again at five +o'clock, sternly warning Sam not to disappoint him. Coogan aped the +Major to the life, and Ah Moy, recognizing the caricature, hated him +heartily for it. Yet, the Chinaman, sitting behind the counter, with his +eyes nearly closed, paid but scanty attention to the customer; but when +Coogan left, a look of supreme cunning flitted over his wooden face. He +was silent for a few moments, and then, to the surprise and delight of +Yen, volunteered to remain and complete the day's work, urging the sick +man to turn in until he felt better. Sam Yen gladly accepted the offer +of his kindly disposed countryman, and Ah Moy hurriedly left for his own +laundry to get, he said, a very superior polishing iron, promising to +return in a few moments. When he found himself on Pennsylvania Avenue +near Four-and-a-half Street he entered the tea, spice, and curio +emporium of Quong Lee. + +"Quong Lee was not only a shrewd merchant, but a skilful chemist as +well, and was regarded with deep reverence and esteem by his fellows. +The eminent man, had he been a trifle taller, would have readily been +taken for the great Li Hung Chang, spectacles and all; and it was owing +as much to this wonderful resemblance as to his wisdom and learning that +Chinatown groveled at his feet. He received Ah Moy effusively when the +latter, breathless and excited, burst into the stuffy little room at the +rear of the shop. + +"'Welcome, thrice welcome, oh, Beautiful One,' said Quong Lee (not in +English, but in the liquid dialect of the Shansi region). 'It fills my +heart with joy to see you. Why have you thus deserted the lifelong +friend of your father?' + +"Ah Moy smiled sardonically, for he had parted from Quong Lee but at +sunrise that morning, after a warm discussion over some of the nicer +points of the game, and the old man's query appealed very strongly to +his by no means undeveloped sense of humor. + +"'Most excellent and revered sage,' replied Ah Moy dryly, 'pardon the +unheard-of negligence, and generously deign to overlook the +thoughtlessness of your sorrowing servant--do that; and, Quong Lee, you +must help me! Quickly! Quickly! I want a poison such as you can easily +distil. A mixture so deadly that the slightest contact with it is fatal! +Give me that, I pray you, and let me go. Hurry! Hurry! I am in haste!' + +"'You ask much of me, Ah Moy, after your harsh, ill-timed words of the +morning,' remarked Quong Lee coldly. + +"'Forget them, O Munificent; forget them,' said Ah Moy, deeply +contrite. 'Carried away by excitement, your abject slave considered +but lightly what he then so foolishly said, and now so fervently +regrets--and--and--let's drop this powwow, Quong Lee. I have no time for +it! I tell you, man, I am in a hurry!' + +"Now, Quong Lee, while wholly in Ah Moy's power, and quite well aware of +it, exacted from all of his countrymen a certain amount of deference, +and was loath that his visitor should prove an exception to this +gratifying rule. Ah Moy knew this, but the little farce was becoming +very irksome to him; it took up too much of his always valuable time, +and he intended to forego it in future. Quong Lee, thought he, was a +tiresome old goat who badly needed his whiskers trimmed and his horns +sawed off; and he, Ah Moy, was the man for the job. + +"'I am indeed fortunate,' said Quong Lee, ignoring Ah Moy's concluding +remark, 'tremendously lucky, in fact, for I think I have in my +laboratory just what you desire. Yes, I am sure of it. I will get it +without further delay.' He took down a lighted lantern from the wall, +and lifting a trap door at the end of the room, plunged into the +darkness. From the opening nasty, suffocating smells arose, and Ah Moy +was driven out to the shop, where he impatiently awaited his learned +friend. That worthy soon reappeared, and paying no attention whatever to +the odors, beckoned Ah Moy into the room. Ah Moy approached gingerly. + +"'My beloved child,' said Quong Lee, exhibiting the regulation tiny +phial of romance containing a few drops of a white liquid, 'here is a +poison ten-fold more subtle and deadly than that ejected from the fangs +of the cruel serpent of the plain. The merest scratch from a weapon +dipped in it will effect instant death. The victim curls up as a tender +leaf in the midday sun. Yet it may be taken into the stomach with +impunity. Strange, is it not? The minute quantity that you see here is +all that I possess, and I shall feel honored if you will accept it. +But,' he added, clutching Ah Moy by the wrist, 'should trouble come, +remember that I--Quong Lee----' + +"'Trust me for that, venerable Uncle of the Moon; your name shall not be +breathed in the matter, whatever happens. Ah Moy is not the man to bring +misfortune upon the lifelong friend of his father,' and the fiendish +chuckle which accompanied this remark filled the merchant-chemist with +alarm. + +"'A million thanks, O Illustrious,' continued Ah Moy, pocketing the +phial. 'I shall never forget your generosity. In good time I shall +repay. Ah Moy will not prove ungrateful. Pardon this brief visit, O +revered wearer of the crimson blouse. We meet again to-night. Bathed in +the glow of thy approving smile, I leave thee. We meet again to-night, +to-night. For the present, farewell. And I say, old 'un, you were dead +wrong about that last game. You get a little dippy toward morning, don't +you? Most old folks do. Ta, ta.' He glided out, slamming the door behind +him. + +"Quong Lee followed his guest to the street, and watched his retreating +figure until lost to sight. + +"'Curse him! Curse him!' hissed the old man vindictively. 'May the gods +destroy him! And Quong Lee will aid them! Give me but the chance; oh, +give me but the chance!' And he crossed his fingers. + +"The subject of this cheerful soliloquy returned without delay to Sam +Yen's, who welcomed him with a wan smile, and after explaining some +minor details of the work, crept off to his cot. Ah Moy immediately +began his self-imposed task, and worked with a will, crooning the while +a quaint Celestial air. It was ironing day at Sam Yen's, and the new +hand did not object particularly to that part of the process. By a +quarter after four he had completed the job, and surveyed with much +satisfaction the neat bundles, duly ranged on the shelves. + +"Dennis Coogan arrived at dusk, and throwing down his ticket and some +small change on the counter, walked off with his parcel, mumbling +something uncomplimentary about the dirty haythin' who kept honest folks +waitin' for their clothin'. Later in the evening Sam Yen appeared, much +refreshed, and relieved his kind assistant. Ah Moy then left, cutting +short the thanks of his countryman. + +"Honesty is the best policy, and it is to be regretted that this astute +maxim had not been more thoroughly kneaded into the moral make-up of Mr. +Dennis Coogan. Arriving at the house in K Street, Coogan, sneaking +through a side entrance and across the yard at the rear, took his +master's clothing up to his own little room over the stables, where he +carefully selected such articles as seemed to strike his fancy. It was +the night of the coachmen's ball, and Dennis did not propose to be +eclipsed at that event by any Jehu who ever handled the ribbons. So +there in readiness lay the hired dress-suit, the Major's gleaming linen, +and the other necessaries of evening attire. Coogan leisurely donned the +unaccustomed plumage, paying as much attention to his toilet as a +debutante when arraying herself for her first cotillion. After +struggling into a remarkably obstinate shirt he selected the highest +collar he could find, put it on, and admiringly surveyed the general +effect in a cracked mirror, turning his head this way and that as he did +so. Suddenly, with a gasping cry, he lurched forward, and fell heavily +to the floor. + +"Great was the horror and distress in the Cragiemuir household the next +morning when the shockingly discolored body of the ill-fated Coogan was +found. Major Cragiemuir, who was attached to the man, was sorely grieved +by his death; and as there were no relatives to claim the body had the +poor fellow buried from the K Street house, which was closed until after +the funeral. The family physician and his confreres who examined the +corpse were puzzled for some time as to the cause of Coogan's death. +Cases of this sort, they solemnly declared, while not unknown to the +profession, were yet extremely rare; and the long scientific name which +was inscribed on the register at the health office as the disease that +carried off Dennis Coogan had certainly never been seen there before. +The slight scratch under the chin made by one of the sharp points of the +collar was quite unnoticed in the rigid inspection to which the body was +subjected. + +"On the evening following the untimely death of Dennis Coogan, impelled +by a curiosity which he could not resist, Ah Moy sought out the +fashionable neighborhood where the Cragiemuirs resided, and found, as he +had scarcely dared hope, the mansion closed and the badge of mourning on +the door. He saw a dim light burning in the front parlor, and in his +excited fancy could see the still form of the hated Major reposing in +the satin-lined casket beneath the flickering gas jets. The Chinaman +laughed aloud, and then a look of supreme terror came into his face, for +he thought he saw a menacing figure leave the house, and with clenched +fists start over to him. + +"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled. + +[Illustration: "Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!"] + +"He finally took refuge from his imaginary pursuer at Wo Hong's. Here he +drank repeatedly a fiery liquor which the proprietor, serenely +untroubled by the revenue laws, dispensed to his pals for a trifle. When +Ah Moy staggered into his den several hours later, Quong Lee, who had +arrived on the scene, noted with much satisfaction the ghastly +appearance of his friend. + +"'If he keeps this up for any length of time,' thought the learned man, +'I shall be spared the performance of a very unpleasant act. Murder is +not in my line--now--anyway. It is trying work for an old man like +me--and the police forever at one's heels!' + +"Leaving his associates in charge of the tables, Ah Moy wearily sought +the adjoining room, a filthy, ill-lighted apartment, with rows of bunks +along its sides. Opening a cupboard he drew forth a pipe and a small jar +of opium. His stained fingers trembled violently as he rolled a much +larger pill than usual and placed it in the bowl of his pipe. He had +consumed a frightful quantity of the stuff in the past few days, and his +nerves were in just the condition that required a larger amount than +ever to quiet them. + +"He stretched himself at full length in the nearest bunk and proceeded +to lull the awful fantasies which threatened his reason. With a moan he +buried his face in his pillow; for at the end of the room he saw a grim +phantom whom, he felt sure, the doubly accursed Quong Lee had +maliciously admitted. The old man should pay dearly for this on the +morrow! Ah Moy felt his fingers tightening convulsively around the +throat of the dying Quong Lee; he could hear the croaking in his +victim's wind-pipe, and the gruesome death-rattle! The sounds were all +well known to the Chinaman, and recalled a chain of lurid experiences. + +"'I should have done it before,' he muttered, as in his fancy he kicked +the body aside. + +"He grew calmer. There was a bright gleam of hope in the thought that +with the death of Major Cragiemuir his wooing would be far less +difficult. As to the girl returning his love--bah! Women were not +consulted upon such matters--in China. He smiled, for he felt that his +triumph was assured. + +"Radiant visions came to him. He was floating in space, wafted by +perfumed breezes. Around him were lovely faces dimly outlined in circles +of roseate clouds. Each face was Janet Cragiemuir's, and all smiled most +bewitchingly at him. Showers of white and yellow blossoms fell at +intervals, and the orchestra from the Imperial theatre at Pekin boomed +lazily in the distance. + +"Happy, happy Ah Moy! + +"But the Chinaman, though a hardened smoker, had badly miscalculated +matters, for when Quong Lee came in at daybreak to awaken him the +'Beautiful One' had been dead many hours!" + + * * * * * + +"Now, Mr. Denmead," said Colonel Manysnifters, turning to another +representative of the press, "it's your turn. Let us have it good and +strong. I have read your East Side Sketches, and like 'em immensely. +Can't you give us a touch of New York in yours?" + +"I'll try," said Denmead modestly, "though it isn't exactly a story. It +was just a passing incident, but it was something that I will not soon +forget. An affair of that kind is apt to make more or less of an +impression on a fellow. Maybe you will agree with me." + + + + +XI + +WHAT HAPPENED TO DENMEAD + + +"Several years ago I found myself in New York; penniless, weary, and +heartsick. I wandered one morning into a tiny park, mouldering in the +shadow of the huge skyscrapers with which Manhattan is everywhere +defaced. I sank upon a bench, pulled a soiled newspaper from my pocket, +and scanned for the fiftieth time the 'Help Wanted' columns. Work I +wanted of any kind, and work of any kind had eluded my tireless search +for days--ever since my arrival in New York. The benches about me were +filled with bleary, unshaven men; some asleep, others trying hard to +keep awake; each clutching a paper which presently it seemed they might +devour, goat-like, in sheer hunger. The stamp of cruel want convulsed +each hopeless face, and crowsfeet lines of despair lay as a delta +beneath each fishy eye. About us in all directions towered huge +monuments of apoplectic wealth--teeming hives, draining the honey from +each bee, tearing from thousands their best years, their finest +endeavors, their very hearts' blood--all to swell the wealth of a +bloated few! And we, the drones, sat mildewing in the little open space +below! + +"The man next to me, his head hanging over the back of the bench in +ghastly jointlessness, awoke with a snort, stared about him stupidly, +and something like a sob bubbled up from his Adam-appled throat. He +wiped his eyes with the back of a grimy paw, and diving into a greasy +pocket pulled out a short black pipe. Between consoling puffs he jerked +out, 'A man's a damn fool--a damn fool, I say, to come to New York to +look for a job! That's why _you_ are here. Oh, I know. I can tell. +You're a stranger all right; that's easy to see. You look the part.' + +"'That's so,' said I, 'and worse. I am about down and out. Financially, +I stand exactly twenty-one--no--twenty-three cents to the good.' + +"'I am right with you, friend--only more so. I have nothing, absolutely +nothing! You've twenty-three cents, hey? A bad number, that +twenty-three. Give me the odd penny, and perhaps luck'll change for both +of us.' I put the copper into his hand, and in chucking it into his +pocket he dropped it. It rolled out to the center of the walk, and in an +instant not less than a dozen men made a determined rush for it. There +was a desperate struggle; others joined; it became a mad, screaming, +tumbling, sweating mob. Instantly a crowd from outside gathered, and a +free-for-all fight began. Hundreds flocked in from the adjacent streets. +The affair quickly assumed the proportions of a riot. Knives and +revolvers were brought into play. It was every man against his neighbor, +and an unreasoning wave of frenzy and blood seemed to sweep over the +crowd. The police rushed in from all quarters, but their efforts seemed +powerless. My new acquaintance and myself, the innocent cause of all the +trouble, managed to escape from the thick of the fray--he with the loss +of a hat and a bleeding face; and I in much worse shape--physically +sound, but--I had lost my twenty-two cents! We hurriedly entered a dark +canyon which led to wider paths where quiet reigned. The tumult in the +park, sharply accentuated by pistol shots, came to us like the roar of +falling water. + +"'What an astonishing thing!' said my companion. 'And all for a penny--a +bloomin' penny! And to think of the fabulous wealth stored in the midst +of all these tigers! Do you suppose that mere walls of steel and granite +could withstand the fury of such a mob as this great city now holds, +straining at its leash? Horrible things will happen in New York one of +these days, and we will not have long to wait for it either. Discipline +of the crudest sort, and a leader, is all that is needed to start a +great army of destruction in motion!' + +"'But how about the police, the Federal and State troops, supposed to be +in instant readiness?' I urged. + +"'They would count as nothing before the fury of an organized mob. A +portion of the monstrous mountain of wealth stored here in New York City +should be moved to a central, safer point; say St. Louis, Omaha, or even +further west to Denver. It's piling up here is an ever-present menace +and danger. It is a serious problem.' + +"'Quite so,' agreed I; 'but there is a much more serious problem +confronting you and me just at present, and that is a certain sickening +emptiness which makes one weak and giddy. My few coppers stood between +us and--and--well, serious thoughts of the future. I have never begged +nor stolen, and yet----' + +"'Oh, don't bother about that. The thing's easy,' said my friend; 'just +watch me.' + +"A fat, prosperous-looking man approached. His sleek face, garlanded +with mutton-chop whiskers, was creased in smiles. Evidently a broker who +had just 'done' some one, was my sour thought. There were but few on the +street, and the outlook for business was favorable. + +"'Pardon me, friend,' whined my companion, stepping out in front of him, +'but can't you give a fellow a lift? I'm a mechanic by trade, and----' + +"'Oh, cut it out!' said the fat man, leering knowingly. 'I'm on to what +you're going to say. Why don't you fellows vary your song and +dance--just for luck? G'wan. Get out of the way!' And he tried to +side-step us. With a quick glance over his shoulder, my new acquaintance +shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous one. Skyward +the podgy, bejeweled hands, and we deftly went through him, securing his +wallet, watch, scarf-pin, and then stripped his fingers of their +adornment. It was over in a flash, and the fat man on his back by a +dexterous push and go-down which the Japs might add with advantage to +their much-vaunted jiu-jitsu. + +[Illustration: "--Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the +prosperous one!"] + +"'Beat it!' urged my companion, and 'beat it' we did; dropping casually +but hurriedly into a corner saloon, then through a side entrance out +into another street. I looked at my friend admiringly. + +"'I suppose there's hell to pay around the corner just now,' said he +coolly; 'but we are as safe here as if we were in Jersey City--and +safer. Still, it won't do to linger. Come this way,' and he led me into +a lunch-room of the baser sort. + +"'Sit here, at this table, and I will eat at the counter. We had best +not be seen together, though they would never look for us here.' I gazed +at him in amazement. My bearded friend had become smooth-shaven! His +neck, but a moment before collarless, was now surrounded by a high +white-washed wall; he flashed a crimson tie, and somehow his clothes +looked newer and sprucer. Of all the lightning-change acts I have ever +seen, this was certainly the extreme tip of the limit! + +"'What do you think of it?' he asked, grinning, jamming his whiskers +still further into his pocket. + +"'Wonderful!' said I. + +"'Now,' said he confidently, '_I_ am absolutely safe, and I don't think +the stout party saw _you_. Don't worry. I caught only my reflection in +the little swinish eyes. I saw nothing in the background. What'll you +have to eat? There seems to be enough in the pocket-book--which I ought +to empty and chuck--to buy up several lunch-rooms, with the Waldorf +thrown in for good measure.' + +"'How much?' I asked. + +"'Not now,' he whispered, 'not now. Wait until we get out. The +proprietor is looking at us. Here's coffee, and pie, and sandwiches--ice +cream--oh, anything you like!' + +"We munched in silence and he pushed up a twenty-dollar bill in payment, +much to the surprise of the man behind the counter. The change pocketed, +we strolled out leisurely, picking our teeth with easy nonchalance. + +"'I hated to give that fellow the double cross, but really, old cock, +that is the smallest denomination in the bundle. Wander down to the +Battery with me and we will investigate further.' + +"'You're an Englishman,' I essayed knowingly. 'I am on to the lingo.' + +"'Not on your life!' said he. Born in Newark, New Jersey, deah boy, I +assure you--right back of the gas-house; what? These togs o' mine were +handed out to me by an old pal--a cockney valet--and the accent goes +with 'em, don't ye know?' + +"'I'm on,' said I, sadder but wiser, and then relapsed into reverie. + +"The Battery was thronged as usual, but we found a bench away from +prying eyes. + +"'Gee whiz! Jumping Jerusalem! Julius Caesar! Joe Cannon!' murmured my +friend as he emptied the stuffing of the wallet into his hat. 'Am I +dreaming again? I've often dreamt that I have found a bunch of +money--picking it out of the gutter, usually--dimes, quarters, +halves--bushels of 'em! But this is different--oh, so different! Can it +be real? Am I on the boards again? Can it be only stage mon----? Look +here; isn't this a windfall? Isn't this a monumental rake-off for a +non-profesh? Heaven knows I'm but an amateur in this line--normally an +honest man, with but slightly way-ward tendencies. Whooping +O'Shaughnessy! Just look! Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty +one-hundreds--that's eleven thousand! A sheaf of fifties and twenties, +swelling the total to something like twelve thousand! Hoo-ray! Again I +ask, am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn +over, dearie, and go to sleep again! Twelve thousand plunks! Wouldn't +that everlastingly unsettle you? Well, well, well! Not so bad for a +moment's effort before breakfast, eh? Ain't it simply grand, Mag? I +wonder who and what our friend is, anyway. He wasn't dressed just for +the part of bank messenger, though he had the inside lining, all right! +A pursy old broker, I guess. Might have been a book-maker--you never can +tell. Anyhow, I am sort o' sorry for the chap. It would break _me_ all +up if I lost a wad of that size! Who is he? Hell, what a fool I am! Here +is the name on the flap of the wallet. + + ABNER MCNAMEE, + 24 Broadway, New York. + +"'Abner McNamee! Abner McNamee!! Abner Mac----! Ain't this the limit! +Abner McNamee! We can't take this money! Just my damned, hydra-headed +luck! You hear me? It has always been that way with me--all my life! We +can't take this money, pardner! It's got to be returned! This money's +all got to go back--every cent of it! Ain't it a shame? Abner McNamee! I +oughter have known him at the time, but I only saw him once, and that +was years ago. He has taken on a lot of flesh since then. Abner McNamee! +Who'd 'a' thought it?' + +"'Who the devil is Abner McNamee?' I asked, scenting treachery. This was +a share and share alike affair, and no crooked work, and--I needed the +money! 'What's the game--this McNamee business? Do you think I am a +fool?' + +"'Look here, pal,' said my companion quietly, 'say bye-bye to your +dirigible and drop to the ground. You're all up in the air. Of course we +are together in this thing. I've no thought of doing you. I know you can +make trouble if you want to. You could turn me over to the first cop +that heaves in sight, and there's one over there now--why don't you do +it? Of course _I_ would have something to say in that event, and then +there would be _two_ of us in trouble; and with Abner confronting the +pair, the odds would be all in my favor. He'd never recognize _me_! No, +sir! But what's the use of hot-airing like this? Be good, now, and +listen to me. We can't, can't, can't keep this money! Do you hear? Now +let it filter through your make-up--slowly at first, and then as fast as +you like. Honest, pal, we've got to give it back!' + +"'Why?' I asked, still skeptical. + +"'Oh, what's the use of your going on like that? You worry me with your +fool questions! Here, take it all and accept the responsibility, and I +will leave you! Here--take it! Take it, you idiot!' + +"Somehow, I hesitated--held back by Heaven knows what. + +"'No,' said he, returning the wallet to his pocket, 'I thought not! You +know a thing or two after all. You haven't lost your mind. Looks are +deceptive sometimes.' I instantly regretted my indecision. + +"'What's the matter with the money?' I asked. 'I was just kidding you. +Give it to me. Hand it over. I will take it.' + +"'Never-r-r! Never-r-r!' he whispered mysteriously. 'This money belongs +to THE CAUSE!' + +"'Oh, come off!' said I with a foxy wink. Don't you think because I am a +countryman I gambol exclusively on the green. I am not altogether to the +emerald by a pailful! I've got you where I want you, and you know it! +Quit your fooling and hand over the wallet! There's a cop over there +now,' I added meaningly. + +"'Yes, over there--I see him,' said my companion slowly. 'A cop--a very +necessary evil, highly ornamental cops are, and occasionally useful. Now +kindly look over _this_ way, deah boy, and you'll see two more of 'em.' + +"I looked, and then----WOW! (The Milky Way.) + + * * * * * + +"They took me to Bellevue, and three days later I found myself echoing, +'Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty one-hundreds--that's eleven +thousand. A sheaf of fifties and twenties, swelling the total to +something like twelve thousand! Hooray! Am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll +stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn over, dearie, and go to sleep +again! Twelve thousand plunks. Well, well, well! Not so bad for a +moment's effort before breakfast, eh?' + +"And my nurse smiled wearily." + + * * * * * + +"That New York is a fearful and wonderful place," said Colonel +Manysnifters gravely. "I will never forget the first time I went there +as a young man. Why, I didn't get any sleep at all! The first night I +was there I turned in about two-thirty, took off my clothes, and got in +bed; but it seemed sort of foolish and wasteful. Sleep in New York? +Well, hardly. I argued that I could do that at home--and me paying three +dollars a day! So I got right up, dressed, and started out to see the +sights. It was about three o'clock then, and there wasn't any one around +but the night clerk and myself. I asked him if he couldn't lock up the +house and go out with me for a little while. He smiled, and said that he +would like to do it, but he was afraid the boss might kick; so we had a +drink together, and I went by myself. I was a green boy then and didn't +know any better, but I am on to the little old town now, all right! They +all know me up there. As soon as I get off the ferry, perfect strangers +come up, call me by name, shake hands, and slip me a card. I don't mean +to brag, but I know the location of every poolroom in the city! I have a +friend in New York who writes the dramatic criticisms for the +moving-picture shows; he puts me in touch with the theatrical and +newspaper element, and I have seen some high old times up there, I tell +you! One night--but, hold on--I've had my inning, Mr. O'Brien is at the +bat, I think." + +[Illustration: "--Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving picture +shows."] + +Mr. O'Brien blushingly admitted the charge. + +"This is the first time I ever spoke in public," said the young man +modestly, "and I crave your indulgence. If you don't mind, I will tell +you about Judge Waddington and myself at Atlantic City last summer. +Every one in Washington knows the Judge, and hopes that some day +Congress will take up his claim and adjust it satisfactorily. The old +gentleman is about all in, but we are doing what we can for him." + + + + +XII + +O'BRIEN'S NARRATIVE + + +"I met him on the Boardwalk, and asked him where he was stopping. + +"'Oh, a nice, home-like place--right over there,' indicating its +position by a careless wave of the hand; 'nice place, quiet, no music at +meals, or that sort of thing. Good cooking, no dogs or children. I came +down here to rest. None of the glare and glitter of the Boardwalk hotels +for me; no, sir!' + +"'What's the name of your place?' I asked. + +"'Hasn't any name--just a private cottage; old Southern family, one or +two paying guests, you know. They have been coming here for years; never +took boarders before, but the head of the house was caught in the +Knicknack Trust affair last fall. Funny how many were hurt by that +bust-up. Nearly all the boys down in Washington say they were stung. As +I remarked, old man Montgomery is rather hard up just now; but proud, +dev'lish proud, sir. I consider it a privilege to be taken in. They have +rented the cottage next door for their guests. Every convenience.' + +"All very fine, but the Judge avoided my direct gaze. Seaward he turned +a shifty eye, and I knew that he was lying. He looked depressed and down +at the heel, and bore the signs of recent illness. I led him, +unresisting to the nearest café, and properly stimulated, he told me +that the Washington summer had proven too much for him, that the boys +had kindly advanced the wherewithal for a two weeks' stay at the shore, +and that he had been very sick, but already felt like a new man. + +"I ordered another. + +"'While I am very snugly fixed down here, Patsy,' said he +confidentially, 'I must confess I was a little disappointed in the +location of the cottage. From the picture on the letter-head the waves +seemed to be curling under the Boardwalk onto the lower steps of the +front porch. Every room with a sea view, and no mosquitos, the circular +said. But the printer evidently got hold of the wrong form. We are a +durn sight nearer Atlantic Avenue than the Atlantic Ocean!' + +"'Regularly buncoed, eh?' I ventured. + +"'As a matter of proximity to the sea, yes. But I am sure the +Montgomerys are not a party to the deceit. They took the printed matter +along with the new cottage, I reckon. How long will you be down, Patsy?' + +"'Just the week-end, sir. My, but look over there!' Our eyes were glued +on the entrance. Framed in the doorway, with the glare of the white +street as a background, stood one of the finest examples of the early +Gothic I have ever seen. She gazed haughtily about the room, and at the +waiters who rushed to her side. She selected the table next to ours, and +dropped into a seat, her attenuated form sharply at right angles, like a +half-closed jack-knife. With long bony fingers glistening with rings she +raised her veil, and opening a chatelaine bag, pulled out a +handkerchief, smelling salts, and a gold-meshed purse. Then, with a +murmured order to the waiter, she settled herself comfortably, and with +an imperial uplift of the pointed chin the foxy face swung slowly around +to us and settled with a grimace of recognition upon the Judge. My old +friend reddened, and moved about uneasily. + +[Illustration: "Framed in the doorway ... stood one of the finest +examples of the early Gothic I have ever seen."] + +"'Pardon me a moment,' said he, rising and starting over to her. + +"'Why, Judge Waddington, what a delightful thurprise,' shrilled the lady +of peroxide in a voice that carried all over the room and back as far as +the bar. + +"'When did you come down? Thith ith thertainly fine.' The judge mumbled +something which I did not catch--it sounded like 'Oh, hell!' + +"'Here, Patrick,' he said, without enthusiasm, 'I want you to meet a +friend of mine.' + +"An introduction to Miss Clarice de Dear, who had appeared in the +original Black Crook company with Lydia Thompson, was no every-day +occurrence in my hum-drum existence, and I was perhaps visibly affected. +She overlooked it, and greeted me with girlish enthusiasm. + +"'Tho glad,' she lisped, 'to meet any friend of the dear Judge's, and +ethpethially you. I have heard tho much about you.' I wondered what in +the devil she had heard. 'I've known Judge Waddington ever since I was a +little tot.' + +"'And not so long, either,' said the Judge gallantly--and grimly. The +fair one shot a curious glance at him, and smiled a smile, sour in its +exceeding sweetness. + +"'I have often heard the Judge mention your name. 'Twath only the other +night he thaid----What will I have? nothing, thanks, I have just +ordered.' But she joined us later, and still later, when the +conversation became general; that is, we all tried to talk at once. + +"From the Judge's attitude I gathered that he was commencing to +celebrate the birthday of some famous man or the anniversary of a great +battle. He never drank otherwise. To-day, he informed me, he was tanking +up in honor of Bolivar, the great South American Liberator. + +"'Ah, Bolivar! Great man, Bolivar! Waiter!' + +"'Yes, sir!' + +"'The same!' + +"From Miss de Dear, 'midst smiles and tears, I gleaned that she had once +adorned the stage, pursued always by the jealousy of her less-talented +sisters. Heaven knows she couldn't help the gifts of Nature which had +come to her through no effort of her own--her birthright. The de Dears +were all that way, as far back as Sir Something-or-the-other de Dear who +came over with the Conqueror--and her mother's first cousin went to the +Philadelphia Assembly--how could she help it? _Noblesse Oblige!_ All the +girls were jealous--the cats! Anyhow, she had quit the scene of her +early triumphs, lured by the attractive offer of a vaudeville manager. +In this new field she appeared for a short time; but when on the roof +they put her on the programme sandwiched between a troup of performing +dogs and a bunch of bum acrobats--she kicked! Any self-respecting +artiste would have done the same! I agreed with her. She, too, like the +Montgomerys, and other noble families, had been caught in the Knicknack +disaster, and her savings swept away; and rather than be dependent upon +the bounty of an immensely wealthy English aunt, she had consented to +represent a great New York publishing house. + +"'The World's Famous Fat Men,' twenty volumes; cloth, levant, or +half-calf; ten dollars down, and a dollar a month far into the hazy +future. Of course this was hardly the place to talk business, she said, +but I had her card and knew where to find her. Every one should have the +work. All the best people in New York, Philadelphia, Sioux City, and +other places were putting it into their libraries, and so on, and so on. + +"This flotsam and jetsam of her talk came to me from time to time as +confidential asides from the main flow of palaver which rolled along +steadily toward the Judge. The Judge, poor fellow, showed plainly the +effects of the struggle; so much so, that I suggested a stroll up the +Boardwalk. + +"We arose with an effort, and went out to meet the bracing air. + +"'Ah, the thea, the thea; the dear, dear thea! Always tho--er--wet and +rethleth. I inherit a love for the water from my father's great uncle +who was an Admiral in the British Navy.' As this was the first +intimation Miss de Dear had given as to a fondness for water, except on +the side, I felt that living and learning were synonymous terms. So, +perhaps, did the Judge, who said, apropos of nothing in particular, +'When I was in California in fifty-nine, I saw a snake over forty-seven +feet long. The onery rascal wouldn't coil up, and they had to carry him +from place to place on flat cars. Now what do you think of _that_?' Miss +de Dear gazed dreamily out at the tossing waves, and said nothing, while +I caught hold of the Judge's elbow to steady him. Plainly the +celebration was on. + +"'My dear, dear Patsy,' he said affectionately. + +"'Oh, I tell you what let'h do,' said the maiden impulsively; 'let'h go +and have our fortunes told. I am dying to have mine told. Last night I +dreamt for the third time that Aunt Genevieve had died and left me all +her money. Maybe there is something in it. The palm of my left hand has +been itching all day.' + +"So to the fortune-teller's we went. + +[Illustration: Professor Habib.] + +"Professor Habib was a Parsee, with features Irish in their intensity. +As I gazed at him I thought of the far-reaching kinship of man. Here was +a Fire-worshipper out of Persia, who for all the world looked like my +brother Mick; and God knows Mick's no Parsee! Habib wore his native +costume with a little red fez on top. + +"'Be seated,' he said courteously; again reminding me of Mick. + +"'Which one first?' he asked, pointing to a little inner room curtained +from view. The Judge suggested genially that we all go in together, but +the professor explained that one at a time was his invariable rule. + +"'Oh, all right, all right,' said the judge, somewhat miffed; 'far be it +from me to--to----' + +"'Ladies first,' said I. + +"''Tis well,' said the professor, with a salaam; and the pair +disappeared behind the draperies. + +"'I wonder how long they are going to stay,' said the Judge, after we +had waited some fifteen minutes. The conversation behind the arras, at +first low and murmuring, was becoming animated. I distinctly heard the +Parsee say, 'Who are the blaggards ye've brought here wid ye?' followed +by an unintelligible reply. + +"'What did he say?' queried the Judge, looking up sharply. + +"'I don't understand Parsee, sir,' said I. + +"'That was no foreign tongue; that was American--with a brogue. I don't +like that. Let's hurry them up. I say, what time is it?' + +"We reached for our watches. They were gone! Instinctively I felt for my +wallet. Gone! My scarf-pin. Gone! + +"We made a wild rush for the little inner room. + +"Miss de Dear? Gone! And the Parsee? Gone! + + * * * * * + +"Later, when we had made our report to the police, and I was guiding the +Judge home, I asked: + +"Who is this de Dear? Where did you know her?" + +"'Never laid eyes on her before!' growled the Judge." + + * * * * * + +"Another 'Jewel'!" said Colonel Manysnifters. "You find them +everywhere." + + + + +XIII + +AN UNINVITED GUEST + + +In the lull following Mr. O'Brien's story the conductor and porter went +hurriedly through the car out to the rear platform; where, it seems, +they had been summoned by the brakeman. They quickly reappeared with as +bedraggled and woebegone a specimen of humanity as it has ever been my +misfortune to see. An unwashed, evil-smelling, half-frozen Hobo was +dragged into the car, to our utter amazement! + +"Hold on a minute, conductor," said Colonel Manysnifters, as they were +rushing the captive through. "What have you here? Where did you get him? +Who are you, sir?" asked he of the tramp. "Who are you, I say, and what +are you doing on this strictly private outfit?" + +[Illustration: An uninvited guest.] + +The tramp, quite unabashed, blew upon his fingers to warm them, picked +up a cigar stump from the floor, lighted it, and looking around the +group said courteously, though with a bored expression: + +"Gentlemen, I got on your train about the time you did, though hardly in +the same way. A ride on the trucks and brakebeams, while exhilarating in +the extreme at the outset, soon becomes wearying and nerve-racking, so +at the last water tank I made bold to take up my quarters on the rear +platform, with an occasional climb to the roof for observation and +change. But, my, it is cold out there! If it hadn't been for my friend +here," exhibiting a flask, "I would have frozen to death. Alas, poor +fellow, he is empty now!" and he held it up to the light. + +"It grew very dark and bitter as the night wore on; then the blizzard +caught us; but even in spite of that, I fell into a doze, to be rudely +awakened by this fellow--but what can you expect from a person of that +kind?" Here the brakeman gave a scornful grunt, and the conductor smiled +broadly. + +"After all," the tramp continued affably, between cigar puffs, "their +lot is a hard one, and it is not for me to cast the first stone. So here +I am, gentlemen, right with you, and my fate is quite in your hands." +This with a magnificent wave of a grimy paw, and something approaching a +curtsy. + +"You should get down on your knees, fellow, and thank this brakeman. He +undoubtedly saved your life. It would have been your last sleep if he +had not come along! Where is your gratitude?" asked Senator Pennypacker +severely. + +"You may be right, sir," said the tramp politely. "I don't dispute your +word. I _ought_ to be friendly with that fellow, as I see he is a +brother of mine. He belongs to my order. I can tell by his +watch-charm--that square bit of enamel with the rising sun in the +middle, and the letters 'I. O. U.' in red, white, and blue, around it. +Yes, he is O. K. I have been a member of many fraternities, and in +better days I was the keeper of the 'Hoot Mon' in our local Caledonian +club. Brother, accept my thanks. Perhaps some of these days I may be +able to repay you with something more substantial." The brakeman +laughed, and by this time we were all in a melting mood. Senator Bull +reached instinctively into his trousers pocket, and Mr. Ridley did the +same. + +"Just a moment, gentlemen, just a moment," said Colonel Manysnifters. +"Now, sir," said he to the tramp, "we have been telling stories here +to-night--some of them fair, some pretty bad. Let us hear what you can +do in that line. We will give you a chance. If you don't make good we +will put you off at the next station and turn you over to the +authorities. Captain," to the conductor, "and you, President Madison, +take our friend into the next car, give him something to eat and drink, +wash him up a bit--several bits--and let him come back here and do his +best." + +"Sir, I thank you," said the tramp with dignity. "Your idea is a great +and noble one. My stomach is so empty that it hangs about me in folds. +You have all doubtless seen a balloon awaiting the kindly offices of the +gas-man--that's me. But it will soon be remedied. Adieu for the +present." He left us, with the conductor in the lead and the grinning +darky at his heels. + +"The nerve of those hoboes is something astonishing," said Colonel +Manysnifters, walking up and down, and filling the car with smoke in +order to cover up all traces of our visitor. I'll bet a thousand dollars +that that fellow had as good a chance at the start as any of us,--just +threw himself away,--whiskey, I suppose, or women, or the platers--the +combination more likely. Did you ever see such eyes?--like two burnt +holes in a blanket!" + +"Yet he has the manners of a gentleman, and seems to have had some +education," said Van Rensselaer. "Did you notice his small hands and +rather classic profile? Bathed, shaven, manicured, and properly clothed, +he would be much like the rest of us--externally so, at least." + +"May have been born a gentleman," observed the Colonel, "but he seems to +have outgrown it. A college man, too, no doubt; but what does that +signify? I have a friend who spent about six thousand simoleons on his +son's education, and at the end of three years all the boy had learned +was to wear baggy pants, sport a cane, and yell 'Raw! Raw! Raw!'--very +appropriately--upon the slightest provocation. The kind of chap you will +find dashing through the streets in a forty horse-power automobile with +a hundred fool-power chauffeur in charge. As to the modern young woman, +all the education _she_ wants is to be able to write love-letters! + +"But our visitor is certainly an individual of strong personality!" +grunted Colonel Manysnifters, continuing to blow smoke into all parts of +the car. "Whew! Open the window back of you, Ridley. It is hard to +realize that he has left us! He was certainly not 'born to blush unseen, +nor waste his sweetness on the desert air,' eh?" + +"The tramp problem is becoming a serious one," said Senator Pennypacker +ponderously. "The great army of the unemployed is steadily increasing. +In New York City alone, on October the first of last year, there were no +less than--just a second. I have the data in my bag. I will read you +some figures that will astonish you." + +The Senator arose to get his bag. Faint groans were heard as he left us. +Senators Bull, Wendell, Baker, several Representatives, and the +gentlemen of the press arose as one man and rushed to the button. +President Madison appeared and took the orders. Then Pennypacker +returned with a look of determination on his face, and for fifteen +minutes or more we were regaled with facts, figures, and statistics, all +tending to prove that crime and wretchedness were on the increase +throughout the country; that we were a degenerate people; and other +equally cheerful information. + +The hobo's return was hailed with joy. He was vastly improved in +appearance, and fairly radiated contentment. He sank into the seat that +Colonel Manysnifters had thoughtfully placed for him,--somewhat apart +from the rest,--with a murmur of satisfaction not unlike the loud +purring of a cat. Senator Bull pushed the cigars in his direction, and +Van Rensselaer was equally assiduous with the whiskey and soda. Our +visitor seemed perfectly at home. He drank,--drank deeply,--and wiping +his mouth on his sleeve, drank again. + +"The hair of the goat is certainly good for the butt," said he, smiling, +and displaying a set of marvellously white and regular teeth. "Now, +gentlemen, I am quite ready to fulfil my part of the agreement. If my +little story interests you, you are welcome to it. It was this way. + +"I was a doctor by profession, carpenter by trade, stevedore by +occupation; then came harder times--booze--more booze--despair, illness, +and I found myself discharged from the hospital, down and out--a hobo! +Yet tramp life is not so bad after all. I like it. I like the open-air +existence, the freedom from care and responsibility, and--the hours. I +am much alone, and genius, you know, grows corpulent in solitude. + +"My name is Tippett--Livingstone Tippett. Age, of no special moment. You +know," he said pleasantly, "there are two things all of us lie +about--our ages and our incomes. As this is a true story I will drop the +_age_ question. It is better so. + +"My early life was uneventful. I was brought up by a pious mother in a +quiet, deeply religious home; every influence uplifting and +good-instilling. I was taught, among other things, to regard liquor in +any form with abhorrence, and that drunkenness was the sin of sins. I +was surrounded with every safeguard a loving mother could devise, and it +was not until after her death and my wife's that I took to drink. My +father and grandfather both died drunkards. Heredity, in my case, +overcame both training and environment, and my troubles hurried on the +inevitable. + +"I passed through college unscathed, studied medicine, walked the +hospitals, and began the practice of my profession under the most +favorable auspices. I fell in love with a charming girl, and blessed +with my good mother's approval we were married. Our future seemed +singularly bright and untroubled. Life is a game and I was considerably +ahead of the game. I was certainly playing on velvet. + +"When my Elizabeth and I announced that instead of going abroad we would +spend our honeymoon at 'Raven Hill' our little world thought it quite +absurd. They were charitably inclined, however, and made excuses for us +upon the ground that we were too much absorbed in each other to know +what we were doing. But we did know, nevertheless. Our plans had been +fully matured long before we saw fit to reveal them. To spend a month or +so at Neville Mason's, down in Virginia, appealed very pleasantly to +both of us, and I accepted my old chum's offer with avidity. We were to +have everything to ourselves, with just as many servants as we wanted. + +"We were married. There was a wedding breakfast, flowers, weeping +relatives, old shoes, and a profusion of rice; nothing, in short, was +omitted. A few hours later we left Jersey City on the southbound flyer. +Breaking the journey at Washington, and remaining over night there, we +arrived at the tiny depot near our ultimate destination late on the +evening of the following day. An ancient but still serviceable family +carriage was in waiting, and we were conveyed in state to the mansion. + +"The house at Raven Hill is a huge affair of the Revolutionary period, +with numerous modern additions, which fail entirely to harmonize with +the quaint architecture of the original. The stables and servants' +quarters give the place the appearance of quite a settlement--a survival +of slavery days one sees here and there in the South. + +"We were shown to a suite of sunny rooms in the east wing which had been +especially prepared for us, and soon made ourselves thoroughly at home. +From this agreeable vantage-ground we set out upon many pleasant +expeditions into the countryside, returned the visits of our neighbors, +and attended the chapel at the Crossways in truly rural style. Nothing +amused us as much, though, as the negro servants. To them Elizabeth was +'Honey,' and I, 'Marse Livingstone'; and over at the quarters the little +darkies gave rare exhibitions of dancing for our benefit, while solemn, +gray-haired Uncle Ashby picked a greasy banjo. The men sang in nasal, +but not unmelodious tones, weird, crooning songs, with occasionally an +up-to-date composition which found its way, no doubt, from nearby +Richmond. I shall never forget those happy evenings at Raven Hill; and +in my dreams I often see and hear the negroes as they danced and sang in +the moonlight. + +"There were some good horses in the stables, and we did not spare them. +Our cross-country dashes were most exciting, and the total absence of +fences in the region gave us an apparently limitless expanse over which +to wander. And that reminds me of a never-to-be-forgotten fox hunt which +was attended by riders from all over that section of the country. Half a +dozen foxes were corralled at the 'round-up,' and I could not help +thinking how tame our alleged 'chases' at home appeared by the contrast. + +"One day while roaming about the lower portion of the Raven Hill estate +we stumbled quite by accident into Dark Forest, vaguely hinted at by the +negroes as a place to be avoided. This Dark Forest is a large tract of +scrub oak, birch and holly, with dense undergrowths of briar; the haunt +of innumerable small birds that dart in and out, chirping faintly. In +its depressed portions the 'forest' has degenerated into a marsh through +which a sluggish stream wends it way to the distant river. Slimy +reptiles bask in the warm sun and glide lazily over the black, oozy +soil. At intervals the stillness is broken by the splash of a gigantic +bullfrog returning to his favorite pool. This acrobatic feat is usually +accompanied by a deep-throated cry of satisfaction, not unlike the +twanging of an ill-tuned guitar. On the edges of the marsh mud-covered +terrapins drag themselves through the weeds and disappear with +surprising swiftness when they see an intruder. + +"Through this singular region, and overgrown with rank, sedgy grass, is +a wagon trail, here and there along its winding course several inches +under water; and into this wretched road we turned our horses. After a +half a mile or so we left the marsh and struck into firmer ground. Then +came a sharp bend in the undergrowth, and a clearing, several acres in +extent, burst into view. Here stood a white-washed cabin in the midst of +a little garden enclosed by a paling fence, and tall sunflowers, swaying +to and fro in the breeze, brushed the low-hanging eaves. Flowers grew +everywhere in profusion, and the rude porch at the front of the dwelling +was half buried in a mass of fragrant honey-suckle. White curtains, +gracefully looped, hung at the windows, and there was a charming air of +femininity and comfort about the place. We dismounted, and tied our +horses at the gate. As we approached the cabin an immense cat dozing on +the stoop sprang up hurriedly and darted into the vines. We knocked +repeatedly at the door without response. Finally, some one was heard +approaching, so we walked to the lean-to at the rear, and there saw, +coming up from the spring at the foot of the enclosure, a young and +astonishingly pretty girl. She was not at all startled by seeing us; in +fact, led us to believe from her manner that we were rather expected +than otherwise. + +"'Walk right in,' said the little beauty. 'I reckon you folks must be +pretty well beat out after your long ride in the hot sun. It's a goodish +bit from here to the Hill, ain't it?' + +"'How do you know that we are from the Hill?' I asked in surprise. + +"'Oh, I know,' she replied. 'I saw ye both at the station when ye first +come, and then again at meetin' on Sunday. And you air a bride?' she +added, turning to my wife. + +"'Yes, and a very happy one,' said Elizabeth, placing her hand upon my +shoulder in loving fashion. The child, for she was hardly more than +that, gave an odd little sigh, but quickly brightened up again. + +"'I'm downright glad ye came,' she said heartily. 'I do so like folks to +be neighborly and sociable. Ye ain't stuck up, nuther, like most city +folks; no airs, nor the like o' that. Pap'll be home soon, and he'll be +glad to see ye too!' + +"Then she prepared a nice luncheon in the living-room. The lightest +bread, delicious butter, preserved peaches, and some slices of +marvellous old ham; this, with a stone pitcher of cool, foamy milk, made +life very pleasant to the weary travelers. The girl declined to join us, +but sat near at hand, gazing intently at my wife. No detail of +Elizabeth's attire seemed to escape her. + +"'Oh,' said she, partly to herself, 'what beautiful, beautiful clothes!' +And I registered a vow that she should have just such an outfit as soon +as we went back to New York. + +"'That child, properly dressed, would attract attention anywhere; she +does not look at all bourgeois,' said my wife; and this from Elizabeth, +whose grandmother was a Boston Higglesworth, was a concession indeed. + +"'Do not tell her so,' said I; 'it would certainly spoil her. She _is_ +uncommonly pretty, I'll admit; but unless something unforeseen happens +she will probably marry within her own sphere of life, toil unceasingly, +rear a brood of uncouth bumpkins--a hag at thirty, and thus fulfil her +destiny.' + +"Elizabeth looked exceeding wise, but said nothing. + +"Ailsee came to us at that moment, and I looked at her closely as she +stood in the sunlight, her bonnet dangling from her arm. She was +undeniably beautiful--a dainty little head, crowned with a wealth of +golden-brown hair, sweet hazel eyes, a lovely mouth, and the most +bewitching dimples. There was nothing of the milkmaid style about her, +for she lacked the vivid coloring and tendency to embonpoint of the +typical rustic beauty. I pictured her to myself entering the room at one +of the Bachelors' on the arm of the leader of the cotillion, and the +subsequent sensation and heart-burnings. + +"My reverie was interrupted by a hoarse voice calling, 'Ailsee! +Ailsee!'--seemingly just over in the forest. + +"'Dad wants me,' she said with a smile. 'I'll go and fetch him back with +me. Please you folks wait a moment.' And she tripped lightly down the +garden and out into the wilderness beyond. + +"Ten or fifteen minutes slipped by without the return of either Ailsee +or her father. The footfalls in the forest died away, and the stillness +was becoming oppressive. + +"'Remarkable, truly,' said my wife, with a puzzled expression. 'Where +could she have gone? Do you think her father is keeping her? Dearest,' +she added gravely, 'don't laugh, I feel--I feel--that something dreadful +is going to happen. I don't know exactly what, but----' + +"'Of course you don't know exactly what,' I interrupted. 'Come now, be a +sensible little woman. You surely don't believe in presentiments. It is +the heat; this sticky, Southern heat! I feel a little queer myself.' + +"But nothing I could say quite banished the singular fancy which had +taken possession of my young wife. Womenkind cling tenaciously to absurd +ideas, especially when they are of the worrying kind; and Elizabeth +looked so troubled and sad that I soon caught the feeling and became +melancholy too. + +"It was long past noon and intensely sultry, and we were sitting on the +porch where occasionally the faintest shadow of a breeze made life more +endurable. Our horses, maddened by the flies and heat, chafed and +stamped restlessly out at the gate. Elizabeth tried to amuse herself +with a huge album of daguerreotypes which occupied the place of honor in +the cabin parlor, and I smoked and lounged about, wondering what had +become of Ailsee. + +"'Well,' said I at last, 'we can not wait here forever. If I am not +greatly mistaken there will be a storm before night, and we had better +get out of this at once. We can come down here some other day and renew +our acquaintance with the mysterious child of the forest.' So back +through the marsh we splashed our way, and arrived at Raven Hill barely +in time to escape the storm, which broke with fury just as Uncle Ashby +came around for our mud-bespattered steeds. + +"Elizabeth went upstairs to change her dress and rest before dinner, and +I settled down in the library with the _Country Gentleman_. There was a +knock at the door, and Uncle Ashby came in. + +"'Marse Livingstone,' he asked huskily, 'whar has you been wif de +horses?' + +"I told him; and during the brief account of our adventures his face +grew ashen and his eyes seemed about to start out of his head. When I +was through he tottered over to the window, muttering, 'Gawd help us! +Gawd help us!' + +"'What's the matter, Uncle Ashby?' I asked curiously. 'What on earth are +you so excited about?' + +"'Boss,' said he entreatingly, 'doan' make me tell you--you'll be sorry +ef you do. 'Deed, Marster, I really mus' go now, sah; dey's waitin' fer +me at de stables. And youse been down dar an' seen it! Oh, Lordy, +Lordy!' + +"'Come back here,' said I, my curiosity getting the better of me. 'Don't +be a fool, old man; brace up. What's the trouble? You are not afraid to +speak out, eh?' + +"'Well, Marse Livingstone, ef I mus' tell you, I 'spose I mus'--thar +doan' 'pear to be no help fer it. But I'd ruther not, boss; 'deed, I'd +ruther not.' + +"'Go on; tell your story,' said I impatiently. 'I guess I can stand it. +Just try me, anyhow.' So in the semi-darkness a marvellous tale was +unfolded to my ears. + +"In the first place, Uncle Ashby solemnly assured me that I had that day +seen a ghost. The flesh-and-blood Ailsee, he declared, had been dead +many years. Her father, Coot Harris, was a rough customer who took up +his abode in the marsh--'mash,' Uncle Tucker called it--at the close of +the Civil War. Here he gained a precarious livelihood by 'pot-hunting'; +for Harris and others of his ilk paid but little attention to the poorly +enforced game laws of the section. Coot Harris, the marshman, had a +daughter, who, as Uncle Ashby contemptuously remarked, 'was peart enuff, +as pore white trash folkses go.' + +"This daughter was named Ailsee. Thwarted by her father in some love +affair with a swain of the neighborhood, she had drowned herself in a +gloomy pool in the very darkest part of the forest. The body was found +shortly afterward and buried in the cottage garden. Harris then left the +country and has never since been heard of. All this, according to Uncle +Ashby, happened twenty years ago. The ghost of the ill-starred Ailsee +had occasionally been seen by the country folk, but always with dire +results. Bad luck, disease, and in some cases death, had been the fate +of those who saw the 'ha'nt.' One man lost his house by fire within +forty-eight hours after the shadowy form crossed his path. The body of +another unfortunate was found floating in the creek; his eyes wide open, +staring horribly. The drowned man had but the day before made known the +fact that he had seen the wraith of the marshman's daughter. Still +another poor fellow had been taken, raving and violent, to the asylum. +Numerous additional instances, equally as harrowing, were cited by Uncle +Ashby, whose fervent belief in all that he said was rather impressive +than otherwise. + +"I listened patiently to the old man until he finished. By that time the +storm had ceased and the sky, suddenly clearing in the west, revealed +the last rays of the setting sun, which brightened the room for a few +moments. I laughed softly when Uncle Ashby went out, and all that I had +heard of the ignorance, credulity, and superstition of the Southern +negro came into my mind. I sat for a while, musing in the gathering +dusk, and then went up to my room. + +"The lamps had not been lighted in that portion of the house, and it was +quite dark. The atmosphere was stifling, as all the windows had been +closed at the approach of the storm. I raised them, and the cool, damp +air, heavy with the odor of jessamine, floated into the room. Elizabeth, +evidently greatly fatigued by the day's exertions, had thrown herself +upon a lounge at the foot of the bed. She was in her dressing-gown, and +her face was framed in masses of wavy brown hair which had become +uncoiled in her restless movements. I hesitated to awaken her, but as +sounds from below indicated the near approach of dinner I called her--at +first softly, and then in louder tones, an indefinable fear stealing +over me as I did so. I approached the couch, and tremblingly placed my +hand upon her forehead.... Ah, God, I cannot tell the rest! + +"Seven years have dragged their weary length along since I lost my dear +young wife and the light of my life was extinguished forever! Now, all +is darkness! darkness! + +"Subsequent investigation, supported by the testimony of well-known and +thoroughly reliable residents of the country, confirmed in every +particular the truth of Uncle Ashby's story. A visit to the marshman's +cottage some days after my wife's death revealed a ruinous mouldering +habitation, in the midst of a wilderness of weeds and vines. A mournful, +desolate spot, shunned and avoided by all for the past twenty years, and +yet had I not seen----" Tippett paused abruptly, with bowed head and +eyes tear-dimmed. + +"Here, old chap, take this," said Colonel Manysnifters, hastily pouring +out and handing him a stiff drink. Tippett, obeying, was somewhat +revived, and continued. + +"I returned to Brooklyn with the body of my wife. My mother followed her +to the grave a few months later. All in the world that was dear to me +was now lost. I took to drink; I sunk lower and lower, dissipated my +little fortune, friends forsook me; and by quick stages in the +descending scale I found myself, as I said before--an outcast! Yet, +through all my troubles I have never entertained the thought of +self-destruction. I have no desire whatever to seek-- + + "'The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn + No traveler returns,--puzzles the will, + And makes us rather bear those ills we have + Than to fly to others we know not of.'" + +It was long after midnight when Tippett concluded his story and the +gathering broke up; not, however, before sleeping-quarters had been +found for the unfortunate man, and a promise given by Senator Bull to +put him on his feet again in the far West--an offer gladly accepted in +all sincerity, and a venture which proved highly successful, as most of +the long-headed Senator's usually did. + +Morning brought relief, the track was cleared, and our train proceeded +on its way, arriving at Washington many hours behind schedule; its +occupants but little the worse for their experience--Colonel +Manysnifters, I believe, with a slight headache. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Statesmen Snowbound, by Robert Fitzgerald + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND *** + +***** This file should be named 19966-8.txt or 19966-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/9/6/19966/ + +Produced by Brian Janes, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Statesmen Snowbound + +Author: Robert Fitzgerald + +Illustrator: Wad el Ward + +Release Date: November 30, 2006 [EBook #19966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND *** + + + + +Produced by Brian Janes, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="cover" id="cover"></a> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + + + +<h1>THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND</h1> + +<h2><i>By</i> ROBERT FITZGERALD</h2> + +<h3><i>Illustrated by Wad-el-Ward</i></h3> + +<h4><span class="smcap">New York and Washington</span><br /> +THE NEALE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br /> +1909</h4> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>>CONTENTS</h2> + +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p> +<a href="#I">I. <span class="smcap">The Funeral</span></a><br /> +<a href="#II">II. <span class="smcap">Senator Bull and Mr. Ridley—Trials and Tribulations of the +Newly Fledged Member</span></a><br /> +<a href="#III">III. <span class="smcap">Colonel Manysnifters—An Outing with the "Jewels"</span></a><br /> +<a href="#IV">IV. <span class="smcap">An Accident—Dinner</span></a><br /> +<a href="#V">V. <span class="smcap">Senator Bull's Story</span></a><br /> +<a href="#VI">VI. <span class="smcap">Representative Holloway Has the Floor</span></a><br /> +<a href="#VII">VII. <span class="smcap">Representative Van Rensselaer Unfolds a Strange Tale</span></a><br /> +<a href="#VIII">VIII. <span class="smcap">Senator Wendell Reads "The Creaking of the Stairs"</span></a><br /> +<a href="#IX">IX. <span class="smcap">Senator Hammond's Experience</span></a><br /> +<a href="#X">X. <span class="smcap">Mr. Callahan's Story</span></a><br /> +<a href="#XI">XI. <span class="smcap">What Happened to Denmead</span></a><br /> +<a href="#XII">XII. <span class="smcap">O'Brien's Narrative</span></a><br /> +<a href="#XIII">XIII. <span class="smcap">An Uninvited Guest</span></a><br /> +</p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + + +<p><a href="#gs004"><span class="smcap">Senator Bull and Sammy Ridley</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs051"><span class="smcap">President Madison</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs058"><span class="smcap">Senator Pennypacker</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs071"><span class="smcap">Colonel Ross Addressing the Jury</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs085"><span class="smcap">"Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!"</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs098"><span class="smcap">The Kiss</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs107"><span class="smcap">Manuel Villasante</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs108"><span class="smcap">Papa Villasante</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs124"><span class="smcap">"Upon each stair the clear impression of a naked human foot!"</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs165"><span class="smcap">"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!"</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs174"><span class="smcap">"Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous +one!"</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs183"><span class="smcap">"Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving-picture shows"</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs187"><span class="smcap">"Framed in the doorway stood one of the finest examples of the early +Gothic I have ever seen"</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs193"><span class="smcap">Professor Habib</span></a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs197"><span class="smcap">An Uninvited Guest</span></a></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="The_Statesmen_Snowbound" id="The_Statesmen_Snowbound"></a>The Statesmen Snowbound</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2> + +<h3>THE FUNERAL</h3> + + +<p>Toward the close of the —th Congress I was designated a member of a +committee on the part of the House to accompany the remains of the late +Senator Thurlow to their last resting-place at the old home in Kentucky. +And it might be well to state here that I am quite aware that some of my +ungrateful countrymen apply the spiteful term "junket" to a journey of +this description. When one considers the sacrifices we Congressmen make +in order to serve the nation, it is hard to believe that unthinking +persons begrudge us a little pleasure. In many cases we give up all home +life, business interests, and personal comfort, and take up our abode in +second-rate hotels and boarding-houses. We are continually pestered and +annoyed by office-seekers, book-agents, cranks, and reporters; and, +alas, we form habits that cling like barnacles, try as hard as we may to +shake them off. A taste of public life is fatal to most men, and the +desire to feed from the public crib goes right to the bone. It is like a +cancer, and it is removed only with grave danger to the afflicted. +Everything, therefore, which may lighten our burdens and tend to relieve +the situation should be the aim and study of our constituents. But this +may be digression.</p> + +<p>The trip out was necessarily a quiet one, though a well-stocked buffet +kept the delegation from absolute depression. Leaving Washington early +in the afternoon we arrived at the little Kentucky town the next morning +about eleven o'clock, and found that we had yet some five miles to go +over bad roads to the homestead. We were met by two nephews of the +deceased, with a host of relatives and friends. The son, Albert Thurlow, +came on with us from Washington. There was ample accommodation in the +way of conveyances, and we proceeded slowly up into the higher country. +In something more than an hour the house was reached—a big home-like +structure, large enough for us all, and the entertainment most lavish. +The estate was an extensive one, and the innumerable outbuildings and +well-stocked barns gave evidence of wealth and thrift. A long drive +between rows of lofty poplars led to the main entrance, and the view +from the front of the house down to the river was superb. There were +servants in abundance, and nothing had been overlooked to insure our +comfort. The stables were the attraction for most of our party, and +several kings of the turf were brought out for inspection. We were taken +all over the place, and many things of interest were shown us. A Bible +and powder-horn, once the property of Daniel Boone, books with the +autograph of Henry Clay, duelling pistols, quaint and almost priceless +silver and china, and a rare collection of old prints and family +portraits. The walls in one room were fairly lined with cups, the +trophies of many a famous meet.</p> + +<p>And such whiskey! There is nothing like it in Washington, or in the +whole world, perhaps. A volume might be written in praise of that +mellow, golden fluid. There were many in our party who would gladly add +to this glowing testimony, and wax eloquent over the virtues of that +noble life-saver and panacea, referred to by our good hosts as "a little +something." Accustomed, as most of us were, to the stuff served over the +Washington bars, this was indeed well worth the trip out.</p> + +<p>Late February is not the time to see rural Kentucky at its best, and but +few signs of spring were visible. The day of the funeral dawned with +leaden skies, and a piercing wind from the north groaned in the +chimneys, and whistled through the leafless trees on the lawn. The +branches of a huge maple scraped and fretted against my windows and woke +me several times during the night. At an early hour a servant was piling +high the fire, and the room was soon bathed in a cheerful glow, the logs +cracking and sputtering merrily. I parted the curtains of my large +old-fashioned bed, slipped to the floor feeling very well and fit, and +glanced curiously about me. Every appointment of the room was long out +of date, but nevertheless made for snugness and comfort. The lover of +antique furniture would surely revel here. I do not know what would +delight him most; the high-post bed, the dressing-table, the chest of +drawers, or the old clock on the mantel. The sheets and hangings smelled +faintly of lavender, the walls were papered with landscapes in which +pretty shepherdesses, impossible sheep, and garlands of roses +predominated,—a style much in vogue in the early forties,—indeed the +room seemed as if it had been closed and laid away by a tidy housewife +years before, and opened and aired for my reception but yesterday. An +illumined text,—a "Jonah under his Gourd," elaborately worked in +colored silks,—a smirking likeness of "The Father of his Country," and +an equally self-satisfied looking portrait of Mrs. W. hung in prominent +places.</p> + +<p>There was a gentle tap on the door, and an ancient darky entered, with a +tall glass of whipped-cream punch, light as a feather, and as delicate +as thought. Then, breakfast, in a long, low-ceilinged room on the ground +floor, with a blazing fire at each end, a pickaninny gravely watchful +over both. Only the male members of the family were at the meal, which +was a solemn festival as befitting a house of mourning.</p> + +<p>At ten o'clock the funeral procession left the mansion and slowly wound +its way along a rough road to a little weather-beaten church a mile or +so distant. It was set well back from the highway in the shadow of tall +pines, and looked lonely and uncared-for. In the churchyard were a few +scattered tombstones, moss-grown, and very much awry. The graves were +unkempt and sunken, and weeds and poison ivy struggled for the mastery. +The day was bitterly cold, with an occasional flurry of snow; but, in +spite of that, an immense crowd had gathered. The church and churchyard +were filled to overflowing. It was the largest collection of queer +looking people, horses, and "fixes" I have ever seen. The services were +brief, but most impressive, and it must have been a trying ordeal for +the aged clergyman, an old friend of the deceased. Several times his +voice faltered, and he seemed about to break down. The coffin was borne +to the grave by six stalwart negroes, laborers on the estate. A lad +followed, leading poor Thurlow's favorite horse. Then the widow and her +son, the relatives, friends, and family servants. A fine male quartet +sang "Nearer, my God, to Thee," and a soul-stirring contralto, "Asleep +in Jesus." Tears stood in the eyes of all, the negroes weeping openly +and uncontrollably. As the grave was filled in, the snow began to fall +in real earnest, gusts of wind lashing the pines into fury. It was the +beginning of a three days' blizzard long to be remembered in that +country.</p> + +<p>Returning to the warmth and comfort of the homestead, we found a vast +array of eatables and drinkables; every one was welcomed, but +notwithstanding the unusual number of guests, all was well-ordered and +decorous. The Thurlows and their numerous clan are a fine-looking folk; +the men, sturdy, well set-up—a fighting people, yet generous, kindly +and hospitable. The women—gracious, lovely, and altogether charming. +Beyond the universally cherished idea of beautiful women, blooded +horses, and blue grass, my knowledge of Kentucky had been rather vague. +My information had been derived chiefly from my experience on various +Election Committees, where moonshiners, mountain feuds, and +double-barrelled shot guns played prominent parts. Commonwealths, like +communities, are advertised most widely by the <i>evils</i> in their midst; a +fact which jolts the reformer and drives the optimist to drink. The +lordly manner of living, the immense estates, and the magnificent +hospitality of our hosts, was a revelation to me; and an occasional +reference by one of the older servants to the grandeur of antebellum +days indicated a condition of even greater splendor and luxury. But the +cruel hand of war had devastated and impoverished the country, the +slaves were freed, and the land for years lay untilled and neglected. +Marse Henry, the head of the house, was killed in almost the first +battle of the war. Marse Breckinridge died, a prisoner in Fort Warren, +and now Marse Preston had followed them to the land of shadows. Uncle +Eph'm, himself, was getting very feeble and helpless, and it would not +be long before he joined his loved ones on the other shore. De good ole +times were gone forever!</p> + +<p>It was with regret that I left this attractive home, and I gladly +accepted an invitation to return in the fall for the shooting. For the +shooting, indeed! Why, <i>that</i> was all over! Dan Cupid never aimed truer! +My wife—a Kentuckian—says that I will never shine as a Nimrod, but it +seems to me that I have had pretty fair success in that rôle.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2> + +<h3>SENATOR BULL AND MR. RIDLEY—TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE NEWLY +FLEDGED MEMBER.</h3> + + +<p>Again on the train, our troubles were over, and we pulled out of the +station amid cheers and yells from hundreds of throats—an odd contrast +to the mournful silence of the throng upon our arrival.</p> + +<p>In our party were Senators Baker, of Kentucky; Bull, of Montana; +Wendell, of Massachusetts; Hammond, of Michigan; Pennypacker, of West +Virginia; and Congressmen Holloway, of Illinois; Manysnifters, of +Georgia; Van Rensselaer, of New York; a majority of the Kentucky +delegation, Mr. Ridley, Senator Bull's private secretary, and several +newspaper men.</p> + +<p>Senator Bull is seventy, tall and massive. His features are striking—a +big nose, heavy, grizzled mustache, bushy brows emphasizing eyes blue +and kindly, a wide mouth, tobacco-stained, with a constant movement of +the jaws—bovine, but shrewdly ruminative. A leonine head of shaggy +white hair crowns the whole. Ridley, the private secretary, is about the +same age. He is a ruddy-cheeked, round-paunched little fellow, scarcely +measuring up to the Senator's shoulder. The thin fringe of hair around +his shining pate gives him the appearance of a jolly friar. He peers at +you through gold-rimmed spectacles, and is quite helpless without them. +He has been with Senator Bull for years, serving him faithfully in +various capacities, and is now a partner in the enterprises which have +made the Senator many times a millionaire. The title of "private +secretary" is one of courtesy merely, and seems to highly amuse the two +friends.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs004" id="gs004"></a> +<img src="images/gs004.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>Senator Bull and Sammy Ridley.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + + +<p>At nightfall we had left the storm behind us, and were speeding over the +mountains. The sunlight, lingering on the higher peaks, cast great +shadows into the depths beyond. There had been much snow all winter, and +the summits sparkled and shone out dazzlingly, then went pink and +crimson and purple as the radiance slowly faded. The lamps had not been +lighted in the car, and most of us had gathered at the observation end, +impressed by the grandeur of it all, when the silence was broken by Mr. +Ridley.</p> + +<p>"That's a pretty sight, sure! It gives me a kind of solemn feeling all +over. The glory up there makes me think of dying, and heaven, and +angels, and all that," he said gravely. "That patch of light calls to +mind the fellows I know who climb the heights, and when they get near +the top the sunshine of prosperity, or fame, or notoriety, or whatever +you call it, strikes them and it wilts them, and they can't stand it for +long, so they fall back, and you don't hear of them any more. There're +others, though, who get up there and fairly bask in it all, walk around, +lie down, eat and sleep in it. <i>They</i> can stand it, and, my, what big +shadows they throw!"</p> + +<p>"Well, well, well, Sammy Ridley, I never heard you talk like that +before," said Senator Bull; "it must have been that funeral to-day. Got +on your nerves, eh? Some folks are affected like that. Come away from +that window, boy, and get back to earth again." Thus urged, Mr. Ridley +got back to earth again, and took a drink of generous size. Several of +the delegation joined him. The movement seemed a popular one.</p> + +<p>The conversation then turned to the deceased, his many good qualities, +his probable successor in the Senate, and the bearing his death would +have upon the political situation in Kentucky.</p> + +<p>"We will miss him in the Senate," said Senator Wendell; "we will miss +his wise counsel, the broad statesmanlike views, and the kindly +personality that endeared him to us all. Thurlow was a great man, and +the State of Kentucky will no doubt erect a fitting memorial."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Mr. Ridley, "I suppose they will. They ought to. It may be +some consolation to the family anyhow. But it is an empty sort of thing, +after all, when you come to think of it. A man's life and actions are +his best monument; those who loved him will never forget him, his +enemies will be sorry they spoke, and there will be something <i>more</i> +than appropriate cut on his tombstone—that's certainly all a man should +want. What's the use of waiting for a fellow to die before immortalizing +him in marble or bronze? It is small satisfaction to him personally. Why +not put up a statue while he is living, and let him have the pleasure of +walking past it with his wife and children on a fine Sunday afternoon +when all the folks are out?"</p> + +<p>"There is a rich vein of truth in what you say, Sammy," said Senator +Bull; "but you are alive and well, and it is almost impossible for you +to take a dead man's view of the situation."</p> + +<p>"I don't know but what you are right, Senator," observed Mr. Ridley +thoughtfully, and the group relapsed into silence.</p> + +<p>"You are a Southern man, I believe, Mr. Ridley," said Representative Van +Rensselaer a few minutes later, as they touched glasses.</p> + +<p>"I <i>was</i> one, sir, very much of one; that's why I am limping around now. +I was in the Confederate Army, up to the fall of sixty-three, and then I +was taken prisoner."</p> + +<p>"So you have had a taste of Union prisons, eh?" asked Senator Baker, who +spoke feelingly—his "Recollections of Johnson's Island" had just made +its appearance.</p> + +<p>"Just a leetle might of a taste, Senator; nothing like your experience, +though. You see, it was this way with me. I was captured by a pretty +good sort of a fellow—a big, husky, soft-hearted chap who wouldn't hurt +a flea. That's him over there," pointing to Senator Bull, "and he has +held me prisoner ever since. He ran up against me at Chickamauga."</p> + +<p>"Well?" said Senator Baker expectantly.</p> + +<p>"Tell them the whole story, Sammy," said Senator Bull, as several of the +party drew their chairs up closer to the private secretary; "tell them +the whole story; it will kill time, anyway."</p> + +<p>"Yes," continued Mr. Ridley, "I was taken prisoner, and it all came of +my foolishness and scorn for the enemy. We boys of the —th Arkansas +thought any Johnny Reb could whip five Yanks, and it made us kind of +careless-like, I reckon. I was a raw country lad when the war broke out, +as tough a specimen as ever Jefferson County turned loose on the +unsuspecting public, but I wasn't much worse than the rest of the boys +who loafed around Todd's livery stable swapping lies, chawing tobacco, +and setting the nation to rights. We were all full of fight when the +Sumter news came, and anxious to get in it; and I saw a heap of it, too, +before I made the acquaintance of Nathan Bull.</p> + +<p>"There was some lively skirmishing on the morning of September +twentieth, sixty-three, before the armies got together in earnest. It +was real comical to see the boys tearing up their love-letters and +playing-cards just before going into battle. The roads and fields were +speckled with the scraps just like a snowfall on the stage, as I reckon +all of you have seen in plays like 'Alone in London,' and the 'Banker's +Daughter.' It was in one of those preliminary set-tos that somehow my +company strayed away, and left me up in the woods with a bullet in my +leg. I was looking around for some place where I could lie down and +nurse myself a bit, and at the same time keep clear of the shells and +other things flying around. The air was full of them—making a noise +like 'Whar-izz-yer?' 'Whar-izz-yer?' Haven't you often heard that sound, +Senator? Some poor devil hears it once <i>too</i> often, every now and then, +doesn't he?</p> + +<p>"It was very hot and dusty, and I was plumb crazy for water. Somehow I +managed to work my way out to a big clear space on the side of the hill. +The brush and weeds were up to your neck. At the foot of the hill was a +piece of marshy land where there had once been a spring. It had long +since dried up, but there were patches of greenish water here and there. +I threw myself on the ground, and my, how good that nasty-looking water +tasted! Then I bathed my face and hands in it. I heard a man over to my +right shout out that General Hood had been killed; and in a minute or so +two of our officers dashed out of the timber, coming my way, riding for +dear life, and nearly trampling me. Meanwhile, the battle seemed to be +raging all around me. Most of the heavy fighting that day was done in +the woods, and the losses were big on both sides. Well, I dragged myself +to a little clump of sassafras, not caring much whether I lived or died, +I was that played out, and my leg burning and stinging just as though it +was being touched up with a red-hot poker. I had been there about +fifteen minutes when a blue-coat rose up in front of me—right out of +the ground it seemed—and says, very fierce, 'You're my prisoner!' He +was a young fellow, about my age, and didn't look at all dangerous. I +just wished that leg of mine had been all right, I would have given him +his money's worth, I tell you! But it wasn't any use. I couldn't stir +for the misery.</p> + +<p>"'You're my prisoner,' he says again, louder'n before.</p> + +<p>"'All right,' says I, 'I'm willing,' seeing there wasn't anything else +to say, and putting a free and easy face on it.</p> + +<p>"'Get up, then, and come along with me,' says he. I pointed to my leg, +and tried to grin. He saw the curious way it was lying—all twisted +up—and the big red splotch on my trousers, and says, as if imparting +information, 'You're hurt, man, badly hurt. Keep perfectly still,' which +seemed to be unnecessary, as that was the onliest thing I could do +anyhow. 'I'll get you out of this. Now, brace up,' and he knelt down, +and held out his canteen. I tried to take it, but the effort was too +much for me. 'Poor chap, he's gone,' I heard him say, and then I faded +away. When I came to—a minute later it seemed to me—I was in a Yankee +hospital; a big tent full of men groaning and dying, and doctors running +this way and that with bottles, and bandages, and knives; and the +cussing, and the screaming, and the smells! It makes me sick to think of +it, even now. It was hell! I know you don't want to hear about the time +I spent there, and in another place like it, tossing and groaning +through the long days and nights; and when I got nearly well again, +about my life in prison, and my parole. Nathan fixed that, and I walked +out a free man, limping a little, just as I've done ever since. Nathan +hadn't forgotten the Reb he had taken prisoner, and when I went back to +Pine Bluff, poorer'n a rat, and no prospects to speak of, he gave me my +start in life. He sent me with a letter to his folks in Illinois, and +when I got there they gave me work to do, and treated me like one of +their own. They certainly were white to me. When Nathan came home after +the war, he cal'lated that Illinois was too far east for him, so after a +few years we packed up our duds, and 'migrated out to Montana. There +we've been ever since. That's my story, and it ain't a very startling +one after all, is it?"</p> + +<p>"And it is true—every word of it," said Senator Bull warmly. "Sammy has +stuck by me through thick and thin. I don't believe I could have made +out without him. As a mine boss, store keeper, deputy sheriff, and +Indian fighter, we swear by him out our way. There is a fellow, +gentlemen, who calls a spade a spade, and oftener than not a <i>damned</i> +spade!"</p> + +<p>"Don't take my character away, Nathan," expostulated Mr. Ridley humbly; +"give me a show. I'm an old man now, and all I've got left is my good +name, and a little something in the savings bank. Don't be hard on me."</p> + +<p>"Sammy," continued the Senator, unnoticing, "could have gone to Congress +if he had cared to. The Democrats were after him only year before last. +Their man won out hands down. Sammy declined the nomination. And that's +the only thing I have against Sammy Ridley. He is a Democrat. It's born +in him, just as some folks inherit a taste for liquor, and others come +into the world plumb crazy, and are satisfied to stay that way all their +lives. However, it is not as bad as it seems. They do say out in our +country that the firm of 'Bull and Ridley' is bound to get there, +because when the Republican party is in the saddle, and there's anything +to be had, it's 'Bull and Ridley,' and when the Democrats are on top, +it's 'Ridley and Bull,' and when the Populists come in we are going out +of business. So there may be some truth in it after all. What say you, +Sammy boy?" Mr. Ridley nodded gravely. "In Washington Sammy is invited +everywhere, but society is not his strong point. He won't get in the +swim."</p> + +<p>"I'd rather not be 'in the swim' than swim in dirty water," said the +private secretary brusquely. "But speaking of the Senator; <i>there</i>, +friends, is certainly an all-around heavy-weight."</p> + +<p>"Sammy, Sammy," said the Senator reproachfully. "I see you are getting +back at me. I didn't think it of you. No bouquets, if you please. As a +matter of fact, gentlemen, I feel that I am growing beautifully less +every day; I have noticed it ever since I came to Washington. I haven't +been in the Senate long enough to amount to anything, if I ever do. We +new people are only in demand when there is a vote to be taken. We are +put on minor committees, and are thankful for any crumbs that fall from +the great man's table. I am a very small spar in the ship of state. It +takes all the conceit out of a fellow when he finds how little he +amounts to in Washington. He leaves his own part of the world a giant, +puffed up with pride and importance; but the shrinking process begins as +soon as the train rolls out of the home depot. It comes on like an +attack of the ague—you are first hot, then cold, then colder still. You +shiver and shake——"</p> + +<p>"For drinks?" murmured one of the newspaper men absently.</p> + +<p>"Well—yes," replied the Senator, smiling. "I hadn't thought of that. +Very neatly put. Quite true. And, as I say, he shivers and shakes—for +drinks—loses, and loses—pays for them, and by the time he reaches +Washington he and his pocket-book are several sizes below normal."</p> + +<p>The humble attitude of this, one of America's wealthiest and most +influential men, was edifying but scarcely convincing. The newspaper men +looked at one another dubiously. Perhaps, they thought, when the +Senator's magnificent house in the West End was completed, and his wife +and daughters came over from Paris, the poor fellow would not be so +lonely and neglected. He was a fine man, and it seemed too bad that he +should be so side-tracked.</p> + +<p>"Quite true, Senator," agreed Representative Holloway, "and matters are +even worse in the House. There are more of us there, and the mere +individual is more dwarf-like than over in the Senate. We are treated +like a lot of naughty school-boys, and when we meekly beg leave 'to +speak out in meetin'' we are practically told to shut up and sit down. +The new comer is the victim of much quiet hazing on the part of his +colleagues,—ably aided and abetted by the Speaker,—but he soon learns +the ropes, and quickly effaces himself. He reserves his babble for the +cloak-room and hotel lobby; yet, to many of his constituents, he is +still a great man. There is no sadder sight in the world than the +newly-fledged Congressman in the throes of his maiden speech, delivered +to a half-filled House, busily reading the papers, talking, writing, or +absorbed in thought. An official stenographer, right under his nose, +wearily jots down the effort, and the real audience consists of a few +bored friends in the galleries who smile uneasily now and then, and +wonder what it is all about, and how long the blamed thing is going to +last. Anyway, he gets it in the Record for free distribution to +thousands of constituents, who read it, perhaps, and try to imagine why +'Applause' is tagged on to the finish."</p> + +<p>"A gloomy picture, but not overdrawn," sighed one of the Kentucky +delegation. "Here's looking at you, Holloway," he added, more +cheerfully, "here's looking at you."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2> + +<h3>COLONEL MANYSNIFTERS—AN OUTING WITH THE "JEWELS"</h3> + + +<p>Colonel Manysnifters, who had been quietly smoking a little apart from +the group, now drew up and joined us. He had been imbibing rather freely +since we left the station, but with the exception of a somewhat +suspicious silence, had shown no further effects of his efforts in +behalf of the Whiskey Trust. The Colonel's resemblance to Uncle Sam (as +popularly portrayed) was so striking that children taken to the Capitol +for the first time would shout with glee when he was pointed out to +them. Rural visitors went home satisfied that the country was safe—they +had seen Uncle Sam on hand, sober, and 'tending to business!' A friend +once said to him, "Manysnifters, you look so much like Uncle Sam that +whenever I see you on a jag I feel like this great nation of ours is +going to hell!"</p> + +<p>Georgia is the Colonel's native State, and he is proud of it, but I +imagine that some recent legislation down there has greatly upset him. +He looked rather downcast when I last saw him, and refused nourishment +either in solid or liquid form. And then he said, eyeing me solemnly, +"'Times is right porely down our way, boss. Things don't lap. De +chinquapin crap done gin out 'fore de simmons is ripe!' Now, boy, don't +ask me how things are going in my State. You know as much about it as I +do. Let the old man alone, won't you?" and so I left him.</p> + +<p>"Well, Colonel, how do you feel now?" asked Senator Bull solicitously.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm all right," replied the Colonel, suspicion lurking in his +tones. "I know what you think, Senator, but I am not. No, siree! I +<i>have</i> had three or four small ones, but I am not 'lit' by a jugful! The +idea! Drunk on four high-balls! Why, they just clear my brain—drive the +fog out. Maybe it's the Scotch, maybe the soda. A fine combination, the +high-ball. I am as stupid as an owl when I am cold sober, but when I +drink, I soar! I feel like a lark with nothing between myself and the +sun except a little fresh air and exercise. Oh, there's nothing the +matter with me; any one can see that.</p> + +<p>"It's funny how small this world is, and how time flies. I supposed you +all noticed the tall, bald-headed man with the spectacles who ran up and +hugged me to-day. Ain't he the ugly one? His ma certainly did hand his +pa a lemon when he was born. Why, if I had been a long-lost brother he +could not have been gladder to see me. Well, I was glad to see him, too, +but the sight of him called up memories at once humiliating and +smile-provoking. Senator, may I trouble you to depress the business end +of that syphon? Thank you. Now, that fellow's name is Seymour—that's +why he wears specs, I suppose—and he rattles around in the chair of +Applied Science at Jay College, this State. Not much of an institution, +and still less of a job, I imagine, and poor Seymour's salary quite in +keeping. If there ever was any one deserving a Carnegie medal, Seymour +is the chap. He studied medicine once, and graduated high up, but he +never practised his profession! That's saving lives for you. Can you +beat it?</p> + +<p>"Well, Harry was a protégé, or something of the sort, of our late friend +Thurlow. And, as I said, I beheld his honest, glowing countenance with +mixed feelings. But it is a long story—a long story——" and the +Colonel paused as if seeking encouragement to proceed.</p> + +<p>It was forthcoming.</p> + +<p>"We would like very much to hear it," said Senator Wendell gravely; +"that is, of course, if it involves no sacrifice of your feelings. We +are all friends here, and will go at once into executive session. Let +all who have a story to tell, an anecdote to relate, or a joke to +perpetrate, feel free to do so. The galleries shall be cleared, and +reporters and the public excluded—metaphorically speaking," he added +hastily, turning to the newspaper men, who wore a pained expression, +"metaphorically speaking, of course." The skies journalistic cleared at +once, and then Colonel Manysnifters, a born diplomat, whispered to the +waiting porter, who nodded knowingly, and disappeared.</p> + +<p>"Senator, I thank you. You relieve the situation. I am a modest man, +sir, and hesitate to talk about myself even among friends; but since you +all insist, there is nothing for me to do but yield as gracefully as I +may—and as a yielder I glitter in the front rank. My experience, +gentlemen, was a peculiar one, and I think it will hold you for a while.</p> + +<p>"It was during that never-to-be-forgotten session of Congress which +lasted almost up to the time for getting together again. Cleveland was +on the thro—in the White House, I mean—and I was looking after things +up at the big building on Capitol Hill.</p> + +<p>"One day in the latter part of June, when the sun was firing up for a +real old-fashioned Washington summer, and the thermometer about four +degrees below Jackson City, a number of my constituents came on to see +me, and after we had transacted certain important business I undertook +to show the boys the town; and in the party was this fellow, Professor +Seymour.</p> + +<p>"We started out one broiling afternoon upon our giddy round of pleasure, +and, after keeping up the festivities all night and a portion of the +next day, I became separated from my friends in some unaccountable way, +and toward evening found myself wandering down town near the wharves. It +was very dusty and close, and the temperature a slice of Hades served up +on a hot plate. There was no need for matches, all you had to do was to +put your unlighted cigar in your mouth and puff away. I was trying hard +to remember why I had on glasses,—they were of no use in the world to +me,—and I was also much astonished to find that I was wearing Seymour's +coat and hat, the latter a typical western slouch, broad-brimmed and +generous. I also sported a tie loud enough to frighten an automobile. +After pondering awhile upon this remarkable state of affairs, the +thought arose so far as I knew I might be Seymour myself! I was +strangely befuddled by the adventures of the past twenty-four hours, and +it was not long before I began to seriously argue with myself that I +<i>was</i> Seymour,—undoubtedly Seymour,—indeed, why should I not be +Seymour as well as any one else? This masterly line of reason settled +it. I <i>was</i> Seymour, and as an instructor and guide of youth I felt that +I ought to be thoroughly ashamed of myself for flocking with the +dissipated crowd I had just left. Acting upon this elevating thought, I +braced up considerably, assumed an air of virtue, and not knowing +exactly what to do next, joined a throng of people who were jostling one +another in their efforts to get on a steamboat. A sail, I fancied, would +do me no end of good, and as the ticket seller assured me with a smile +that the boat was perfectly safe and would return in a few hours, I went +aboard with the rest of the fools, children, and old folks. This I +accomplished after barely escaping a plunge into the river from what +struck me as being an exceedingly narrow gang-plank.</p> + +<p>"The band struck up one of Sousa's lively marches, a hoarse whistle +sounded, the boat trembled all over, and we were off. As the <i>Charles +Auchester</i> glided out into the stream, two young women with camp stools +in their hands pushed through the crowd at the entrance to the hurricane +deck—an elevation I had succeeded in attaining—and took their seats +near a life-raft upon which I reclined, Cleopatra-like.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, aren't these excursions perfectly lovely, Ruby?' said the taller +of the pair, taking off her hat and dropping it in her lap.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, and so cheap. All the way to Indian Head and back for a quarter. +It's a godsend for us poor tired folks who have to stay in town all +summer. And you know what that means, don't you, Pearl?'</p> + +<p>"'Oh, yes, but don't let's talk about it,' said the other fretfully. 'I +try not even to think of what we will have to go through. What good does +it do to fuss over things we can't help?'</p> + +<p>"'That's right, dear,' said her companion, 'and it doesn't pay to look +far ahead, either, if one wants to be happy. I never do.'</p> + +<p>"They were pretty and quite well dressed, these two maidens. As to their +being without a male escort, I rather admired their sturdy independence. +Everything about them bespoke refinement, and yet the very next remark +from the girl called Ruby sent a shiver through my sensitive frame, and +caused my hastily formed but favorable opinion of the pair to change +color.</p> + +<p>"'I'd give anything, Pearl, if Will and the other fellows were here. +They always buy, and I've got an awful thirst on me.'</p> + +<p>"'We might have some beer, anyway,' mildly suggested Pearl, and a flying +waiter took the order.</p> + +<p>"'I guess we can pick up something on the boat,' remarked Ruby; who, by +the way, was good to look at—a black-eyed lass with regular features +and lots of pink and white complexion. Pearl, languidly sipping her +beer, nodded in the affirmative. This person, evidently the younger of +the two, had a babyish face, big innocent blue eyes, and a profusion of +fluffy yellow hair. She did not appeal as much to my sense of the +beautiful as the dark one did; but I have always been partial to +brunettes. She told me later that she was twenty—which figure was +enough for me to know, I suppose. Oh, I understand women. They are an +open book to me.</p> + +<p>"About eight o'clock the moon, immense and crimson, came up from behind +the Maryland hills, and cast a lurid path upon the wavelets. The girls, +or rather the 'Jewels,' as I have since learned to think of them, +huddled closer together, with a not too capacious shawl around them, for +the wind was freshening considerably. For a while I stopped looking at +them, being interested in the little stunts that are done on the boat as +it passes Mount Vernon. The tolling of the bell and the dirge by the +band absorbed all my attention.</p> + +<p>"It was not long, though, before I began to feel that I was the object +of very earnest scrutiny on the part of an individual or individuals +nearby. Turning suddenly, I met the basilisk gaze of Pearl and Ruby. +Their dreadful remark came to me with crushing force. They had begun, as +they coarsely put it, 'to pick up something.' Lobster-like, finding +myself in hot water, I turned several beautiful shades of red +immediately. I became terror-stricken—I, the dignified Professor of +Applied Science at Jay College, Kentucky! All my innate modesty began to +assert itself; and is not this the surest protection of the innocent? I +arose and fled.</p> + +<p>"Unfortunately, while retreating, I looked back, simply to see how the +shameless creatures were affected by my departure. Oh, fatal curiosity! +They must have considered my backward glance an invitation to follow, +for they did so with alacrity. That accursed backward glance! Lot's +wife—you know the story.</p> + +<p>"However, I saw that I was in for it, so just before reaching the steps +leading to the bar, I resolutely faced my pursuers and stood at bay. +They bore down upon me like ships that pass—no, I won't say that.</p> + +<p>"'You sweet thing,' chirped Ruby, 'it knew how thirsty we were, didn't +it? I don't care if it isn't the youngest baby at the christening, it's +just all skeeky; so there!' This speech was delivered in gentle tones, +but loud enough to be heard by several bystanders, who snickered +disagreeably.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, popper,' joined in Pearl warmly, 'do buy us a drink.'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, popper!' I could have slapped her! Heavens! Did I look as old as +that? I was aghast, for I have always prided myself upon my youthful +appearance.</p> + +<p>"'If you call me "popper" again,' said I in a savage undertone, 'I will +throw you overboard! Do you hear? How dare you speak to me anyway? I +have a great mind to call an officer! Come now, girls,' I added in a +milder strain, aware of the helplessness of the situation, 'let's go +below; and keep quiet, do. I will buy the drinks.'</p> + +<p>"Then in sheer self-defense I ordered beer, then more beer, then +cocktails, then I don't know what—Pearl asked the waiter to bring it—a +queer greenish-yellow stuff which quickly overpowered me. When the vile +mixture had gotten in its handiwork the Jewels seemed highly satisfied, +and laughed gleefully. A few moments later I was introduced to a +'gentleman friend' of theirs whom they fished out of the crowd. He was a +flashily dressed youth who insisted upon another drink—and another—at +my expense. After that I have a faint recollection of getting off the +boat upon its return to Washington, and of being hustled into a +night-liner, the Jewels and their pal nobly standing by me. We jogged +along for miles, Ruby singing at the top of her voice and the gentleman +friend joining in at the chorus. Pearl's head was bent over, wobbly +fashion. She was either asleep, or lost in deep thought. I have also a +dim recollection of the vehicle coming to an abrupt halt, and a head +thrust in at the window, saying pointedly that if we did not make less +noise he would run the whole blanketty-blank gang in. This made me mad, +and I wanted to fight the stranger then and there; but my warlike +purpose was frustrated by the Jewels and their friend, who flung +themselves upon me, wisely detaining me. The end of our journey was +reached soon afterwards and our little party rolled out.</p> + +<p>"I was then dragged up an apparently endless flight of steps, and into +the vestibule of a large old-fashioned house, once the stately residence +of a famous man, but now given over to the undesirable class of persons +into whose clutches I had fallen. An aged negress tugged at an immense +paneled door, and let us into a wide hall, at the end of which a lamp +burned feebly. Then we struggled up more stairs, and after many turnings +drew up before a shabbily furnished room. Into this I was rudely pushed, +and the door closed and locked upon me. I rocked about in the darkness, +grabbed the bed as it swung around for the third time, got a strangle +hold, and went right to sleep. From this I was awakened some hours later +by voices in the hall just outside. The transom over the door was open, +so I could hear pretty well all that was said.</p> + +<p>"'That's a good sort of haul you made to-night—nit!' growled a deep +bass. 'Ain't you afraid you'll get into trouble? That fellow in there is +Colonel Manysnifters. You've all heard of him—haven't yer? Why, he is +the biggest man in the House—a great swell—money to throw at the +birds; and he's been a throwin' it, hey?' said he of the voice, with a +chuckle; 'but he ain't no greenhorn, I can tell yer! The old sport can +make it powerful warm for us when he gets out of here!'</p> + +<p>"'Suppose he never gets out—not for a long time, anyway; and the +ransom—just think of the ransom!' joyously urged one of the Jewels, +whose voice I recognized.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, that sorter thing don't go now,' said the man; 'besides, the cop +who stopped yer awhile ago knows a thing or two. You can't work any +Turkish brigand racket here in Washington—the town's too small. Could +do it in New York, I suppose, but not down here. The game ain't worth +the candle, anyhow. The chap's blown in all he had about him. We've got +his scarf-pin and alarm clock, and that's all there is to it.'</p> + +<p>"'I guess you're right,' remarked the Jewel; 'but wait until Lola comes, +and see what she says.'</p> + +<p>"'So they think I am old Manysnifters,' thought I, trying to smile. +'That's real funny, ain't it? Oh, if he were only here now, wouldn't he +get me out of this?' And in my fancy I could see my husky friend +grappling with the gang outside, pitching them down the stairs, and +carrying me off in triumph—the way they do it in the best sellers. My +captors then went below, their voices trailing away into silence. They +left me with some nasty thoughts.</p> + +<p>"'What would the faculty of Jay think of their Seymour, could they but +gaze upon him now? What would my pupils say? The World, the great World +at large, the Press, the Pulpit?' (My brother is an Atlanta clergyman.) +'What would these great social forces say?' Confused ideas of my +identity and importance arose like fumes to further befuddle me. I sat +on the side, and in the middle of the bed, in despair—longing for +something to smoke!</p> + +<p>"The hours dragged slowly by, and yet Lola, Lola the mysterious, upon +whose decision so much depended, came not.</p> + +<p>"'Something must be done, and quickly,' thought I, and I started to get +up. But hark! I heard some one in the hall softly slip a key in the lock +of my door, and turn it with a creaking sound. The next moment a very +odd figure came into the room. 'Twas a little old woman, and as she +glided toward me I sank back on the couch quivering with terror! On, on, +she came, and lightly touched my forehead.</p> + +<p>"My first impulse was to shriek with affright; the impulse was all +right, but I just couldn't do it. I must have been paralyzed. I blew +first hot and then cold, and then stopped blowing altogether.</p> + +<p>"So there I lay, stark with fear. But my visitor seemed to be very +harmless. She drew up a chair by the side of the bed and took her seat, +muttering something I couldn't catch. Then she bent over me and I felt +her warm breath on my cheek!...</p> + +<p>"The situation had changed but slightly when I came to a little later. +She was talking.</p> + +<p>"'Marse Edwin, Marse Edwin, don't yer know yer ole black mammy? +Hush-sh-sh, chile, doan' answer me, 'cept in a whisper! I'se done come +fer to save yer! I nussed yer when yer was a little baby, and I promised +ole Missus always to look arter yer. De sojers is a huntin' fer yer, +Marse Edwin; dey's all eround us! Hush-sh-sh!' said she, as I attempted +to rise; 'lie still, honey, dey'll sartainly cotch yer if yer goes out +now! Dey's sentinils posted everywhar, and dey'll shoot you down like a +dog! My poor Marse Edwin,' she wailed, 'why did yer do it? Why did yer +do it? Why did yer kill him? He nebber done yer no harm. Why, Gawd bless +him, he done sot ole Mammy free! But dar ain't no use talkin' 'bout it +now!' She walked up and down the room several times, still muttering, +and then peered out of the window. Something in the street attracted +her.</p> + +<p>"'Hush-sh-sh, chile, now's de time! Git up quick, deary, but fer de +Lawd's sake doan' make no noise! Follow de ole woman—dis way.' I got up +at once and obeyed her. It was a ghastly sort of thing, this Marse Edwin +business, but I saw a chance of escape at the bottom of it. We went to +the lower part of the house on tip-toe, and the negress, opening the +street door, pushed me out into the cool dawn, saying with a shaking +voice, 'Run, Marse Edwin, run fer yer life! Watch out for de sojers! +Good-bye, Gawd bress you, my lam'!' And I ran, you bet.</p> + +<p>"Day was breaking when I found myself in the street, and as I emerged +from the slightly disreputable neighborhood where I had passed the night +I felt sure that a glance in the mirror would show me up a haggard, +white-haired wreck. The air was wonderfully reviving, though, and I felt +a subtle change stealing over me. An odd, pricking sensation, like one's +foot awakening from sleep, gradually took possession of me, and to my +horror I appeared to be separating from myself. Any one who has had that +feeling knows what it is. At one moment I was the Professor; the next, I +was undoubtedly Manysnifters! I found myself walking by the side of one; +then, in the twinkling of an eye, with the other. It was not long, +however, before I began to get tired of it, so just before I reached the +hotel I determined to decide once for all who I was. I felt that it was +important I should know. The decision was arrived at by a simple +expedient to which I invariably resort whenever I find my judgment +wavering. There is no patent on the thing, and I don't mind letting you +all into it. Fortunately, I still had my luck-piece—an ancient Roman +coin—with me.</p> + +<p>"'Now,' thought I, 'let the antique beer check decide it. I will cinch +this question by tossing up. If it falls heads, I am Manysnifters, and +if the reverse appears, I am the Professor. I will abide by the decree +of Fate.'</p> + +<p>"Up went the Denarius, striking the asphalt with a merry ring in its +fall. I bent eagerly over it, and lo, the image and superscription of +Caesar stared me in the face!</p> + +<p>"So I was Manysnifters after all, and this fact was further impressed +upon me an hour or so later by an enterprising office-seeker, to whom, +in my enfeebled state, I fell an easy prey—I endorsed his application +for the Nova Zembla consulship."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV</h2> + +<h3>AN ACCIDENT—DINNER</h3> + + +<p>Colonel Manysnifters's story was very thirst-provoking, and President +Madison, our grinning drink-mixer, had a busy half-hour of it. It was +now about seven o'clock and we were again overtaken by the storm, which +hurled itself upon us, fairly rocking the car in its violence. The +train, which had been proceeding slowly and jerkily, now came to a full +stop. An avalanche of snow, earth, and loose stones had fallen at the +end of a deep cut. Had we been going at any speed an awful catastrophe +would have resulted. As it was we were barely moving when we ran into +the obstruction. It would be hours before the track could be cleared, +and there was no relief in sight. Fortunately, we were well provisioned, +and could stand a siege of a day or so in any event. The brakeman set +out on his long, hard journey to the nearest telegraph station, swinging +his lantern, and swearing picturesquely. Every precaution was taken to +guard the train against further accident. Our party accepted the +inevitable philosophically. Dinner was announced, and amid the good +things provided by our chef we soon forgot our mishap.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs051" id="gs051"></a> +<img src="images/gs051.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>President Madison.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p>"Now, gentlemen," said Colonel Manysnifters genially, between the soup +and fish, "let's cut out golf, religion, baseball, and politics, and get +down to serious subjects. Senator, what is the best poker hand you ever +held?"</p> + +<p>Senator Wendell, thus addressed, said, with a far-away look in his eyes, +"Let me see, let me see. Oh, I remember now; it happened twice—three +times—or was it three times? Twice I will swear to."</p> + +<p>"How's that?"</p> + +<p>"I say it happened twice; I am positive of it—and before the draw, +too."</p> + +<p>"Who was dealing?" asked the Colonel eagerly.</p> + +<p>"Poker stories barred," said Senator Baker sternly. "Remember, +gentlemen, that this is a non-partisan gathering; not only that, but +some of us know absolutely nothing about the game. And yet, and yet," +said he thoughtfully, as if to himself, "it <i>is</i> a fascinating subject. +Why, on one occasion,—I will never forget it,—being right under the +guns, I passed without looking at my hand. The man next to me opened the +pot, and all the rest stayed. I picked up my cards carelessly, and +imagine my delight when I found that I had——"</p> + +<p>"Senator, Senator," said Van Rensselaer reproachfully, "I am surprised. +I didn't think you would go back on the sentiments you so warmly +espoused a few moments ago. Let us avoid so agitating a topic. +Personally," continued he, slowly and dreamily, as if going into a +trance, "I have no objection to the game. I have played it myself, +though I do not pose as an expert. Coming over on the steamer last +summer—'twas the night before we landed—the game was steep, painfully +steep, and nothing friendly about it, with the lid off finally. I was +about two thousand to the bad,—it was the consolation round, ending +with and up to me,—my deal, and the fellows counting and stacking their +chips preparatory to cashing in. I doled the papes with deliberation, +and a saddened soul, and skinned my hand carefully. They were +hearts—all but one. A seven, four, six, five and a trey of clubs. +That's the way they came to me. A nice little straight, but apparently +not nice enough. All the fellows stayed, and there was considerable +hoisting before the draw. Then the man next to me took one card; the +Englishman with the monocle, two; General Thomas, one; the fat man from +Cincinnati, three (to his aces), and Doctor McNab stood pat; and then +discarding the trey of clubs—foolhardy, very foolhardy, but I did it—I +dealt myself one—the eight of hearts! My, how good I felt! The battle +was on! Backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, until one by one +the players dropped out, leaving the Doctor and myself to settle it. +Doctor McNab saw my three thousand and raised me five.</p> + +<p>"Five better," said I.</p> + +<p>"Back at you," said he; the others in the meanwhile keeping tab in their +notebooks.</p> + +<p>"Once again," said I.</p> + +<p>"And again," said he.</p> + +<p>"That was about all I could stand, and I called him. With a leer of +triumph he threw his hand on the table, face-up, displaying——"</p> + +<p>"Stop him, stop him!" shouted Mr. Ridley, rising excitedly. "Don't let +him take the money! If I'd a knowed you at the time, brother, it never +would a happened! I'd a put you wise to that McNab. He ain't no more +doctor than I am, and his name ain't McNab either! The scar-faced son of +a gun! I've been up against him, and so has Bull; ain't you, Nathan?"</p> + +<p>"Poker stories are barred, I believe," said the Senator coldly.</p> + +<p>Mr. Ridley's face was a study.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'll be damned!" he muttered, with his mouth full of potatoes. +"Let's change the subject; there are lots of other things to talk about. +I like war stories, myself. Senator," said he, turning to Senator +Hammond, "the first time I ever saw you—and then it was some distance +off—you were in the biggest kind of a hurry; I never saw a man so +anxious to get from here, say, to over there."</p> + +<p>"When was it? I do not recollect," said the old veteran pleasantly.</p> + +<p>"Why, at Bull Run; don't you remember Bull Run?"</p> + +<p>"Do I? Well, I should say I did. You fellows certainly had us going that +day, and if you had been smart you would have pushed matters, captured +Washington, and thus ended the war, or at least have been in a position +to dictate your own terms. As to our retreat, I remember so well the +disgusted tones of a staunch Union lady living in Washington, speaking +to one of the boys on the night of our return.</p> + +<p>"'You coward!' she said bitterly, 'to run away at the first fire! Don't +you know that the finger of scorn will be pointed at you all the rest of +your life?'</p> + +<p>"'That may be so, lady,' said the soldier doggedly, 'but I'd ruther hev +the finger o' scorn pinted at me any time than one o' them damned Rebel +cannon!'</p> + +<p>"And another of the boys limping by, foot-sore and weary, was accosted +by this same angry dame, 'You ran, did you? You ran! Shame! Shame! A big +fellow like you! Why did you run?'</p> + +<p>"'I run, mum, 'cause I couldn't <i>fly</i>, that's why I run!'"</p> + +<p>"Yes, quite true; and yet, after all, how like the moon we are," +muttered one of the newspaper men disconnectedly.</p> + +<p>"How so?" inquired Senator Hammond acidly.</p> + +<p>"Why, here we are, full—gloriously full—on the twentieth of the month, +and eight days later, down to our last quarter."</p> + +<p>"That's bad, very bad, O'Brien," said another scribe mournfully. +"Forgive him, Senator. I will have something to say to him later." +Withering glances were cast at the unlucky one, who seemed about to sink +under the table, and the wind outside howled dismally, and rattled the +windows in its rage.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs058" id="gs058"></a> +<img src="images/gs058.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>Senator Pennypacker.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>The situation was steadied somewhat by Senator Pennypacker. The Senator, +who entered public life five years ago a poor man, and who, by living +economically, saving his pay, and borrowing his chewing tobacco, is at +present worth considerably over a million dollars, now favored the +company with some sage remarks as to the tendency of the times toward +extravagance, the high cost of living in Washington, the iniquity of the +boarding-house keepers, and the difficulty he had to make both ends +meet. The Senator is a tall, lank, ungainly looking man; thin lipped, +with mean, cunning eyes, strained ever for the main chance. A few tufts +of reddish hair are flattened on either side of his cranium, and his +nose and chin were sharpened on the grindstone of necessity and early +hardship into twin beaks. Verily a vulture, battening now on the Trusts, +and feared and hated by other birds of smaller body and weaker wing. +With him, Selfishness is indeed the main-spring of Ambition! His +features are well-known to the public through the medium of those +extensive advertisements in the papers heralding the great vegetable +remedy "Gee-Soo-Na."</p> + +<p>His remarks were received in silence, though a careful observer might +have noticed an exchange of solemn winks between Colonel Manysnifters +and Sammy Ridley.</p> + +<p>"Oh, he is the stingy one, all right," Colonel Manysnifters confided +later to Mr. Ridley. "He is the kind of fellow who would send his best +girl a box of candy Saturday morning, and call around Sunday night and +eat it all up."</p> + +<p>When the Senator had fully delivered himself, some one brought up the +negro question.</p> + +<p>"They certainly are the limit in Washington," said Colonel Manysnifters. +"The sassy black rascals seem to think they own the town. And nigger +policemen, too! Think of a white man being arrested by a nigger +policeman!"</p> + +<p>"I do not see why lawbreakers should object to the color of the man who +gathers them in," said Van Rensselaer sarcastically.</p> + +<p>"We Southerners do, anyway," retorted the Colonel hotly.</p> + +<p>"You Southerners should behave yourselves, then there would be no +trouble," observed Senator Hammond dryly.</p> + +<p>"Well, that's all right, now," said Colonel Manysnifters, flaring up, +"we don't expect you Northerners to feel as we do about it! We——"</p> + +<p>"Come, come, Manysnifters," said Senator Bull pacifically, "don't get +excited. Don't let the 'nigger in the wood-pile' spoil this occasion. +Calm yourself."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm not excited. It takes a lot to excite me," said the Colonel; +"but just to give you an idea of how things are going in Washington, a +cousin of mine from Atlanta, a kindly disposed chap as ever lived, +meeting an old negress on the street there the other day, said to her, +'Well, Auntie, how are you this bright morning?'</p> + +<p>"'Huh!' exclaimed the old woman angrily, 'Auntie! Don't you call me no +Auntie! I ain't yoh aunt, and I ain't yoh uncle; I'se yoh ekal!' Now +wouldn't that jar you? That's the way the niggers feel about it in +Washington."</p> + +<p>"Forget it, Manysnifters," urged Senator Bull, "forget it. Give the +colored brother a show. He will work out his own salvation."</p> + +<p>"At the end of a rope," growled the Colonel.</p> + +<p>"Be charitable, sir, be charitable," said Senator Pennypacker +ponderously. "The negro problem lies with the white people of the South. +They will solve it. Give them time. Perhaps they may find</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'With keen, discriminating sight,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Black's not so black,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor white's so very white!'"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Oh, we will solve it all right," said Colonel Manysnifters knowingly, +"trust us for that. Only—you Northern folks keep your hands off. That's +all we ask!"</p> + +<p>Mr. Ridley, to soothe the fiery Southerner, poured out a generous +libation, and the dark cloud rolled over.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>V</h2> + +<h3>SENATOR BULL'S STORY</h3> + + +<p>When we returned to the observation car Senator Bull was unanimously +called to the chair.</p> + +<p>"I shall hark back to my boyhood days," said he, "and relate an incident +in my early life, and its sequel when I attained man's estate. I suppose +all of us have had experiences which have more than once brought home +the weight of that bewhiskered old maxim—'Truth is stranger than +fiction.'</p> + +<p>"There were twelve of us—Bert Martin, Joey Scott, Tom Hyland, Georgie +Morris, Jake Milburn, Bob Hardee, Lannie Sudduth, Owen Prouty, Alf Rush, +Ed Ross, Dolph Levy, and myself. The Forestburg Rifles we called +ourselves. Ed Ross was captain, and Lannie Sudduth and Bob Hardee, +lieutenants. There were no other officers, for that would have left too +few privates; but, as it was, our nine men marching single file and wide +apart made a fine showing. Owen Prouty limping bravely along, brought up +the rear. 'That lame Prouty boy' was the gamest fellow in the command +and it nearly broke his heart when we marched away in earnest in +sixty-one, and left him behind—the leader of the home-guard.</p> + +<p>"The Rifles were armed with wooden guns, and drilled twice a week in +Bert Martin's barn—drilled with almost the same precision and attention +to the manual as we <i>had</i> to do in later years. Ed Ross was a strict +disciplinarian even then, and awfully in earnest. Indeed, we all were +for that matter. When the notion is strong upon them, young folks beat +their elders all hollow at that sort of thing. Every Saturday afternoon +at three o'clock, weather permitting, we met at our armory, and after +some preliminary maneuvers marched down High Street. Old Cush Woodberry +and the other loafers at Horton's would come out on the platform in +front of the store and review the troops. The interest those lazy +fellows took in us was astonishing. Old Cush even volunteered one day to +give us some instructions in tactics, but our gallant captain +courteously declined. There were others, though, who did not admire us +so much. The green-eyed monster reigned supreme over on Liberty Street, +and around by the court-house lot. There the country lads in town for +Saturday market were entrenched, and they jeered at us enviously from +the line of wagons drawn up in battle array. Occasionally a rotten apple +or potato would sail through the air in our direction, but we marched +past our tormentors stiffly erect, and apparently unconscious. Had our +numbers been stronger we would have joyfully stormed the enemy's works, +but the country boys were bigger than we, and vastly more numerous; so +with us discretion was indeed the better part of valor.</p> + +<p>"The Rifles were organized just after school broke up, and flourished +all that summer; a remarkable thing for Forestburg boys, for we were a +squabbling lot, prone to quarrel and fight upon the slightest +provocation. But in some way our captain held us together—just as he +did afterward at Antietam and Gettysburg. Dear old chap, he holds us +still!</p> + +<p>"In early September we received our colors. Up to that time Owen Prouty +had carried a small flag on his musket, but it had never been dignified +as the company's colors. Our real flag was given to us by the little +McDermott girl, and the giving was done so prettily and sweetly that our +boyish hearts were touched—and this is saying a good deal. Not, indeed, +that the Forestburg boys were rougher than other boys, for I guess they +are all pretty much alike; but we had been taught to hate and shun the +McDermotts. They were newcomers, and Danny McDermott had been a Young +Irelander, or something else equally as dreadful. Then, too, Forestburg +was a Knownothing stronghold, and we fell naturally into our daddies' +way of thinking. So we roundly snubbed the pleasant-faced Danny and his +family whenever we had a chance, and the fellows at school used to bully +Terence, the son, most atrociously. Yet as we marched by the McDermotts' +on Saturday afternoons little Katie would always run out to the gate +delightedly and wave a large flag, and after a while we came to look +upon the little golden-haired child and her flag as quite a feature of +our parade. Finally, one day she stepped into the street, and with a +quaint curtsy presented the flag, garlanded with roses and buttercups, +to our captain. The command was at once ordered to halt, and all eyes +were fixed upon Ed and the blushing child.</p> + +<p>"'Attention!' shouted Captain Ross. We obeyed and looked straight ahead +as good soldiers should, with a sly glance out of the corners of our +eyes at our leader. But Ed knew just what to do. He faced about sharply, +and made a low bow to the lady, took the flag held out to him, and then +made a speech. Ed Ross was always a fine talker, and had won the +elocution prize at school the year before. On this occasion he fairly +surpassed himself. I have often thought of it since. At our next meeting +we unanimously elected Miss Katherine Burke McDermott an honorary member +of the Rifles. Tom Ryland's sister drew up the resolutions, and they +were very beautiful.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"It was a sultry afternoon, and the little jury-room was suffocating. +The fight for a life which had raged out in the gloomy court-room for +two weeks or more was now transferred to the ten by twelve cubby-hole +where we had been cooped up since noon. The evidence against the +prisoner was overwhelming, but some of the jurors still wavered as to +their clear duty. Eight of us were for murder in the first degree; the +others were in the same frame of mind, I am sure, but tantalizingly slow +about saying so. It looked like an all-night struggle.</p> + +<p>"Thrice since midday had Sheriff Watkins popped in his red head and +asked if we had agreed upon a verdict, and as often had he angrily +withdrawn. Watkins had a profound contempt for juries in general, and +our jury in particular. According to the sheriff, the case of +Commonwealth against Hardy was decided, and decided fully, when +Dillingham finished his speech. Dillingham was the prosecuting attorney, +and Watkins worshipped him down to the ground. Watkins was therefore +clearly prejudiced, but in this instance his views were undeniably +sound.</p> + +<p>"The court, despairing and thirsty, had adjourned to meet at seven +o'clock. In the jury-room all arguments for and against the stand taken +by the unshaken eight seemed exhausted. The hours dragged wearily by. At +half-past five o'clock, to our great surprise, three of the obstinate +crowd came over to our way of thinking. Whether stern duty, our mutual +discomfort, or the prospect of another night away from their families +wrought this, I know not. So then, with the single exception of Colonel +Ross, we were all for stringing up the prisoner.</p> + +<p>"Colonel Ross still stuck out doggedly for a milder punishment—anything +to save the poor devil's life, he said. For the first time in my career +I rebelled against the judgment of my old friend, and for the first time +found myself arrayed against him, and the novelty of the situation was +far from agreeable. The clock in the town hall struck six, and the +whistles down at Thayer's mill blew furiously. The Colonel was biting +the ends of his mustache and gazing moodily into the crowded street +below. I went up to him and put my hand on his shoulder.</p> + +<p>"'Now, Colonel,' said I, in my most persuasive tones, 'can't you make up +your mind to join us in this thing? We are all agreed except yourself. +God knows we have no personal feeling against Hardy. We are simply doing +what we think is our duty, and a mighty nasty one it is, too! You know +that. But we owe something to society—society, whose structure was +shaken to its very foundation by the perpetration of this crime! +(Dillingham's own words.) The prisoner is clearly guilty. Why, the +fellow practically confesses it. We ought to put some stop to the +killing and general rascality up there in the settlement. Our section is +fast becoming a monstrous blot on the fair name of the Commonwealth! +(Dillingham again.) What is there left for us to do but carry out the +law? What is there left for——' My voice died away weakly. Something in +the Colonel's face effectually blasted my budding eloquence. At that +moment I felt myself a greater criminal than Hardy or any of his gang.</p> + +<p>"Colonel Ross tapped the floor impatiently with his crutch. He was a +testy man, but much was borne from him.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs071" id="gs071"></a> +<img src="images/gs071.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>Colonel Ross addressing the jury.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"'Gentlemen,' said he, his eyes flashing, 'I verily think that the good +God above in His great wisdom and mercy picked out this jury Himself. I +am sure He did. Now, listen to me. It will not take long.</p> + +<p>"'We have all had a tedious two weeks of it, haven't we? The weather has +been warm; our business neglected; some of us have sick ones at home we +are anxious to see; and we are all losing our health and temper in this +close confinement. And I by no means omit the dreadful meals at the +Darby House. But, gentlemen, rather than come over to you and hang Eph +Hardy, I would stay here forever! Not, indeed, that there is any danger +of that, for the Judge will discharge us pretty soon if we do not come +to terms. But I can at least go to my home with nothing to haunt me the +rest of my life. I can at least close my eyes at night without fear of +troubled dreams or hours of unrest. And I thank God for it.</p> + +<p>"'Now, my friends, while all that we've gone through has been wearing on +a fellow, it has not been without interest. You have doubtless heard and +gazed in wonder at "the cloud of witnesses" the defense and prosecution +have summoned for this case. You have listened open-mouthed to the fine +eloquence of the lawyers. You have seen, day after day, the fashionable +city folk, who have come down to our little town, troop in and take +their seats—and the reporters, and the men with the cameras, and the +hungry-looking "poor whites." Now, gentlemen, of course you have seen +and heard all this, and of course you have been duly impressed. <i>I</i> have +been, I grant you; but of late there has been but one thing in that +court-room I could see; but one thing that interested me, and held my +attention to the exclusion of all else. I don't suppose you know what I +mean. It is this—back, 'way back by the door a little woman has been in +torture, such torture as I hope you will never know. I cannot keep my +eyes from that shabbily dressed figure; from that white, tear-stained +face. Again and again I have seen her veil drawn down, and the poor +creature shaking with grief. At first I did not know her, though I +guessed. Watkins told me about her. She is the prisoner's mother.</p> + +<p>"'When Dillingham was putting in his finishing touches this morning I +thought of <i>my</i> mother. <i>She</i> was like that when they brought my brother +Archie home. You remember Archie—and the day he was drowned? We were +all in swimming that Sunday, you know, and Parson Moore said it was a +judgment, but my poor mother could not bring herself to think so.</p> + +<p>"'Well, the Hardy woman called to mind mother when they told her about +Archie. That same awful, awful look of despair.</p> + +<p>"'As I said before, I see the hand of God in the choosing of this jury.' +The Colonel eyed us almost exultingly.</p> + +<p>"'Boys! Attention!' Mechanically we old soldiers arose and faced about, +obeying our Colonel as of yore. The order was electrical, and set us +tingling with expectation. Something else was surely coming.</p> + +<p>"The Colonel bowed profoundly to an imaginary person at his side.</p> + +<p>"'Boys, listen! I accept this flag from your fair hands in behalf of my +men and myself. Mere words fail to express our thanks, but in deeds most +glorious will we attest our love for you, and the Stars and +Stripes!'—or something like that—all very childish and grandiloquent, +but we kept our word, didn't we? And again—picture it to yourselves, +now—Bob Hardee's barn; your captain in the chair; Private Ryland rises, +and offers the following: "Be it Resolved, that Miss Katherine Burke +McDermott be, and hereby is, elected an honorary member for life in the +Forestburg Rifles, and that we swear to cherish and protect her +forever." That was the gist of it, I believe, and there were other +resolutions regarding the same young lady, which have unfortunately +escaped my memory. But, boys, need I remind you that these resolutions +were adopted unanimously? O, let them bind us still! That broken-hearted +woman in there was once the little golden-haired lass to whom we were so +loyal in the long ago. Shall we not be loyal to-day? It isn't justice, +and it isn't law; but, boys, we've got to save that fellow's life—now, +haven't we?'</p> + +<p>"An hour later we entered the court-room. The woman over by the door +looked up with a faint flush on her face. Hope had made it radiant. She +knew that 'The Rifles' would never vote to take her boy's life!</p> + +<p>"And she was right.</p> + +<p>"We acquitted him.</p> + +<p>"The verdict was heard in absolute silence. Then there was a slight stir +in the rear of the room. Nothing, after all; only—a woman had fainted. +It was hot in the court-room that night, and no place for women, anyhow, +as Colonel Ross gruffly remarked at the time.</p> + +<p>"But there were tears in his eyes."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI</h2> + +<h3>REPRESENTATIVE HOLLOWAY HAS THE FLOOR</h3> + + +<p>At the conclusion of Senator Bull's story President Madison was again +requisitioned, and a crap game which was in lively progress in the +dining-car was thus rudely disturbed.</p> + +<p>"Tell us, Holloway, about your nomination and election to Congress. Was +it not somewhat in the nature of a surprise?" asked Congressman Van +Rensselaer.</p> + +<p>"Very much so. It will hardly make a story, but if you would like to +hear how it happens that the —th District of Illinois is represented in +Congress by a Democrat for the first time in its history, here goes—but +mind you, now, I don't pretend to be in Senator Bull's class as a story +teller.</p> + +<p>"It was a piping hot day in August, and Harrisville at its worst. +Whenever a vehicle passed, clouds of dust floated in at the windows and +settled upon my books, my papers, and covered my green baize table with +an infinitesimal section of H—— County real estate. Even the slumberer +on the sofa was not exempt. His usually ruddy face had become ashen, and +his snoring was developing into a series of choking gasps. It was +fearful, this dust,—alkaline, penetrating, stifling,—and from such +soil the raw-boned, hard-featured men of H—— wrung a living. And I, +sharing their narrow lives, began to understand the true significance of +the word 'onery' as applied to us by our more prosperous and ofttimes +just exasperated neighbors.</p> + +<p>"It was court day, and I had just come in after a stiff tussle with a +pig-headed judge, an irritating opposing counsel, and a H—— County +jury. I thought of old Uncle Peter Whitehead, 'The onriest critters in +the whole State of Illinoy come out o' H——! Thar ain't no tellin' +which way an H—— County jury's a goin' to jump. The law and the facts +ain't nothin' ter them, it's jest the way they are feelin' that +particler day and minnit. If so happen they got outer bed the wrong foot +furrard that mornin', then it's good-by ter the pris'ner, and hell fer +the lawyer that's defendin' him!'</p> + +<p>"Court had adjourned until two o'clock, leaving the fate of my client +undecided, and I came into my office, tired-out, warm, and exceedingly +anxious. Clearing Thad Hawley meant a great deal to me just then. It was +my first important case, and I felt that my future would be decided in a +great measure by its outcome. If the twelve stolid farmers upon whom I +had showered my eloquence went Fraley-ward in their verdict, I knew that +my professional goose would be cooked, and visions of a move to some +distant bailiwick rose up before me. Fraley and Hicks would then +monopolize the Harrisville practice, and perhaps in a year or so some +other fledgling would rise up in his ignorance and be as ruthlessly cut +down as I had been.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I was worried, and the sight of Andrew Sale asleep on my sofa did +not tend to soothe that feeling. At any time a visit from the county +chairman would have been most unwelcome, but now it was an exhibition of +unmitigated gall! Another contribution, I supposed, angrily eyeing the +sleeper. I had been the 'good thing' for Sale and his crowd for some +years past, and had pretty well resolved to cut loose from them—and +politics. I thought of the many ambitious young fellows I knew who had +been permanently injured while hovering around the political flame. +Some, indeed, were burned to death, others are floundering through life +on crippled wings; all were more or less singed, both morally and +financially. My experience thus far had been a financial singe, and the +last scorching was still fresh and quivering. Only the week before I had +given Sale my check for quite a tolerable sum, and then as soon as he +had left my office, kicked myself for doing so. The money, he said, was +to go toward defraying the expenses of the nominating convention, which +was to meet at Shawnee on the twenty-first, and as a good man and true I +had to 'cough up' with the rest of them.</p> + +<p>"And here he was again!</p> + +<p>"As I glared at him the chairman turned over uneasily, sputtered, +sneezed, opened his eyes, and sat up, staring stupidly.</p> + +<p>"'How're you? How're you?' he roared, wiping his face with a grimy +handkerchief. 'Ain't this dust awful? There ain't no doing anything with +it. If you put the winders down you'll smother with the heat, and if you +leave 'em up, you'll choke to death. Hobson's choice, eh? Ha, ha! And +all that prayin' for rain on Sunday, too. Providence's ways is certainly +beyond us—ain't they? Well, I rather guess <i>this</i> visit 'll surprise +ye.'</p> + +<p>"'It does, Mr. Sale, it does!' said I warmly. 'You know I told you when +you were here the other day that I could not—you know damn well +that——'</p> + +<p>"'Now, now, now,' said he soothingly, holding up his hand, 'don't do +that! You're on the wrong tack, Mister, 'deed you are. There's another +guess a comin' to you. It ain't money we want this time, no, siree! +Money don't cut no ice this trip, though it <i>is</i> a mighty handy thing to +have a jinglin' in your jeans—ain't it? No, it ain't the "sinews," as +Jim McGubbin calls it; it's <i>you</i>, Mr. Holloway; it's <i>you</i>, sir!'</p> + +<p>"'Me, Mr. Sale?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, sir; you. Why it's as plain as the nose on your face, Mr. +Holloway, and that is—the Democratic party of the —th deestric' is +pretty unanimous on <i>one</i> thing anyhow, this year. I'll admit we ain't +come to no final decision on our platform, but we air pretty generally +agreed on our candi<i>date</i>, and that's the Honrubble Andrew Jackson +Holloway—yourself, sir! That's why I am here to-day. When I heerd you +speakin' in court just now, I turned and says to Jim McGubbin, says I, +"That there's the voice that'll wake 'em up in Congress." I felt just +like the old feller in the Bible. The sperrit of prophecy was on me. And +Jim he agreed with me. Jim's got the Shawnee organization right under +his thumb, same as—'tween you and me—I've got H——. McGubbin's out +and out for Holloway. "Holloway and Reform!" That's our cry this year. I +seen Potter James and old Pete Whitehead over to Andrewville yesterday, +and they'll fetch their people in line for you all right. If you'll make +the run, we'll elect you sure; and that ain't no lie.'</p> + +<p>"Sale, a big man with a loud voice, impressive tones, and masterful +ways, overpowered me.</p> + +<p>"'Sit down, Mr. Sale,' I said weakly, 'sit down. Let us talk it over. +This nomination—it is a great honor, I am sure—I can scarcely tell you +how flattered—how——'</p> + +<p>"'Oh, that's all right, that's all right,' said he, beaming. 'I know'd +you'd be a little, well—flustered, eh?—when I fust broke the news to +you, and I don't say but what it isn't perfectly natural, too. These +things don't happen to a man every day, and especially to—beggin' your +pardon—to a man as young as yourself, sir. But the Democratic party of +the —th deestric' of Illinoy knows a good thing when they sees it.' +Sale's unconscious sarcasm hurt me. 'I have sounded them to the bottom,' +he went on, 'and it's Holloway, Holloway, Holloway, everywhere. Now +you'll let us put you up, won't you? There ain't no earthly doubt 'bout +your gettin' the nomination. Harrison may give old Colonel Harrison its +vote on the first ballot, just as a compliment, you know; and I'll admit +that down Hall City way there's some talk of Sile Munyon, but there +ain't nothin' to it. We'll prick the Munyon boom before it's bigger'n a +pea. We'll fix things, you bet. And we'll elect you, too! It's a good +job to hold down—that of being a Congressman; it ain't the office so +much as it is the purgatives that go with it. I'd like to go to Congress +myself. Maybe I will some day. Well, as I was goin' to say, I driv over +to the Courthouse Sunday, and saw the boys there, and I talked them into +the right way o' thinkin'. They are all O. K.</p> + +<p>"'There's a deal of grumblin' and dissatisfaction 'mongst the +Republicans just now. Sam Thorne ain't done the square thing by the gang +that 'lected him, and they are mighty sore over it. Washington's kinder +turned his head. He's got awful stuck up of late, and wears a +long-tailed coat and beaver hat all the time. And that 'pointment of Ben +McConnell postmaster of Liberty has hurt Thorne and the Republican party +a heap all over the deestric'. Ben McConnell never voted the Republican +ticket but twicst in his life. Up to two years ago he was a red-hot +Democrat, and no one down in their hearts, Republican or Democrat, has +any use for a turncoat. I take it all in all, he is the most onpopular +man in Illinoy to-day. His conduct is as hard to swaller as a dose of +them old Greek twins, Castor Oil and Politics, we use to wrastle with at +school. Of course in political life, like in ordinary life, you have to +eat a peck o' dirt before you die, but you don't have to eat it all at +oncst like he's a doin'! Why, old war-horses, Republicans all their +lives, were turned down for this here upstart! It's done the party a +deal of harm. And then, as I said before, Sam Thorne's confounded airs +is making everybody sick. No one ever thought anything of the Thornes +when I fust grew up. They wasn't no better'n any one else. Sam Thorne's +father was the clerk of the court at Liberty, and a darned poor one at +that, as I have often heard my father say. I went to school with Sam, +and many's the thrashin' I have given him, but that's neither here nor +there.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, we've got 'em this time, sure! Yes, they're going to run Thorne +again. He's got hold of a wad there in Washington, and can buy up the +whole convention if need be. I wouldn't trust any of them Republicans. +The Democratic party is above sech doin's. We stand for purity, +patriotism—the whole bag o' tricks! Ha, ha! And politics, I guess, is +like everything else. So long as you stick to the Thirteenth +Commandment, you'll get there without any trouble.'</p> + +<p>"'The Thirteenth Commandment'?</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs085" id="gs085"></a> +<img src="images/gs085.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"—Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"'Yes, the Thirteenth—"Thou shalt not be found out," you know. Oh, +we'll fix the Thorne gang as sure's you're born to die! My luck'll carry +you through. It sure will! A chiropodist in Chicago once told me that +there was a terribul commotion in the heavens when I was born. Venus was +bit by the Dog Star—or some sech foolishness—all of which went to show +that I come on the earth at jest the right diabolical moment. And I +guess the fellow knew what he was a talkin' about, with his maps, and +charts, and things. Anyway, I've got no kick comin'. I have always had +the best o' good luck, and I'll pass it on to you.'</p> + +<p>"Sale was a good talker, and carried everything before him. Now and then +I managed to slip in a word or two in feeble protest, but he swept away +all my objections with the same easy movement that he chased off the +flies from his face.</p> + +<p>"When I looked at my watch it was ten minutes before two o'clock. Sale +was going out into the hot street, jubilant, and I was the more than +probable nominee of the Democratic party of the —th district for +Congress! I knew that Sale would make good his word; and, having given +it, I would stick to mine. But my tempter out of the way, I writhed and +groaned under my folly and weakness. I grabbed up my hat, and hurried +back to court as in a nightmare. The Hawley case went against me, but it +paled into insignificance by the side of my newer and greater +misfortune.</p> + +<p>"For Sale had hypnotized me!</p> + +<p>"Of course I was nominated. Nominated with shouts, and cat-calls, and +much unearthly clamor. Nominated on the second ballot to the eternal +confusion of the Munyon crowd, who afterward, I have been told, bolted +the ticket and voted solidly for my Republican opponent. I made a +speech, and was wildly cheered, then dragged in Lum Atkins's buggy to my +hotel by an army of yelling partisans. I was interviewed by reporters, +photographed by an enthusiastic young woman on the <i>Argus</i> staff, and +made in every way to feel that I was one of the truly great. But I knew +otherwise.</p> + +<p>"In the months following I hobnobbed lovingly with every heeler, +ward-worker, and thug in that part of the State. My bar'l was tapped, +and well tapped. The stubs in my check-book are mutely eloquent. Then +the press got in its fine work. When the opposition sheets were through +with me not a shred of character had I left. I shivered in my moral +nakedness, one enterprising journal said, and that is just about what I +did. My public appearances—on the stump, and on the rostrum—afforded +rare fun for the other side. I was not an orator—never claimed to be +one—and of course they made the most of it. I spoke my little piece as +well as I could, but my opponent was known as 'The Silver-tongued +Demosthenes of Illinois'—or something like that—so where did I come +in? And how those newspaper fellows did enjoy it all! God bless them! +They have proven good friends of mine since, but their sharpened quills +were fiery darts to me in those days!</p> + +<p>"And I was otherwise discouraged. My encounter with big Bill Such of +Sangamon left him, as before, the undisputed rough and tumble champion +of middle Illinois. My people at home, too, were solidly against me. +Life-long Republicans, as they had always been, they felt that I had +disgraced them, and showed it very plainly. As the standard-bearer of a +party upon whose banners Victory had never perched, at least so far as +my district was concerned, I was indeed the leader of a forlorn and +ragged hope; but my blood was up, and I was determined at least to make +a better showing than any other Democrat had done.</p> + +<p>"But it was an expensive ambition.</p> + +<p>"Election day rolled around, and I spent the greater part of the time +driving to and from the polling places in my own county. I was +particularly anxious to carry H——, even though all the other counties +failed me. That would soften the blow to the family pride, I thought. +Not a morsel of food passed my lips during the whole of that trying +fifth of November. From sunrise to sunset I never left my buggy, except +once to vote, and at nightfall I was fairly done up. When all was over I +was too tired-out to await returns at headquarters, so I turned in quite +early, only venturing to hope that the fate of Judkins would not be +mine. For Judkins, a recent victim, had been so overwhelmingly defeated +in the spring elections that he had retired from the political arena in +disgust; anathematizing politics in general and the politics of the —th +district in particular. Then, in his weak and shattered condition, he +fell into the arms of the eldest Parsons girl, who had been stalking him +for, lo, these many years!</p> + +<p>"I slept as soundly as though trouble, sorrow, and Congressional +elections had never been; and in the morning came the surprise.</p> + +<p>"I was elected by an enormous majority!</p> + +<p>"I can not explain this phenomenon; they are still trying to do that out +my way. It was an upheaval, with the great Democratic party and its +astonished candidate very much on top. Its like will never occur again +in my State; not in my district, anyhow. A recent Republican gerrymander +will prevent that. Andrew Sale says he did it. Maybe he did; I don't +know."</p> + +<p>"It was Fate—f-a-t-e—Fate!" said Colonel Manysnifters, solemnly. +"There's no avoiding it. My sainted parents, both good Presbyterians in +their day, would doubtless have urged predestination. That may be it. +Your election to Congress was something you couldn't side-step. Nor, by +the same token, can I. Only when I am nominated, I don't worry any more. +There <i>is</i> a general election, I believe, but that doesn't fret me much. +We have eliminated the opposition down our way—perfectly legal and +statutory. Oh, yes. There <i>are</i> a few 'lily-white' votes cast on the +other side, they tell me,—sort of a registered kick for conscience's +sake, I suppose,—but it is just a matter of form, and nobody gets +excited over it. They are trifles lighter than air, yet—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Small things should not unheeded be,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor atoms due attention lack,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We all know well the miseree<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Occasioned by an unseen tack!'<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"And again:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Little drops of water,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Little grains of sand<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Make contractors' mortar<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That is used throughout the land.'"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Well," said Sammy Ridley, drawing a deep breath when the Colonel was +through, "I may be a damn fool, but I am no poet!"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII</h2> + +<h3>REPRESENTATIVE VAN RENSSELAER UNFOLDS A STRANGE TALE</h3> + + +<p>"And now, Van Rensselaer," said Colonel Manysnifters, "it's around to +you. I reckon you have something up your sleeve that will surprise us, +eh?" The debonair Congressman from the Empire State was quite equal to +the occasion. He seemed primed and ready, and needed no further urging. +There was another hiss of soda, the clink of glasses, and with a +prolonged sigh of satisfaction he began.</p> + +<p>"This is a true tale, and unfolded now for the first time. Harken unto +the evidence.</p> + +<p>"It was a lovely afternoon in early spring, and 'The Avenue' was alive +with a leisurely moving throng—for no one hurries in Washington. I +strolled along, thoroughly enjoying the balmy weather, the crowds, and +the charm of it all. About four o'clock hundreds of government clerks +streamed out sluggishly from the side streets. At the crossings fakirs +were busy, their customers good-naturedly elbowing each other in their +eagerness to be swindled. And violets everywhere! The air was filled +with the scent of them. Men, women, and children with trays piled high +with the tiny purple and white flowers were doing a tremendous business; +their customers ranging from dignified statesmen to the loudly dressed +Afro-American gayly swinging along. Out of the fashionable Northwest +came many carriages, passing from the grim shadow of the Treasury into +the sunlit way beyond. The trend of movement was eastward—always +eastward—toward the great white dome on the hill. Congress was in +session, and history was making there. The war debate was on in all its +fury, with the whole world listening breathlessly. Pictures of the +ill-fated <i>Maine</i> were much in evidence, and maps of Cuba in the shop +windows were closely scanned. The probability of war with Spain was +loudly and boastfully discussed by seedy looking men in front of the +cheaper hotels and restaurants. Extra editions of the New York papers +with huge scare headlines were eagerly bought up. The latest news from +the Capitol—<i>via</i> New York—was seized upon with avidity. The papers +were filled with the rumored departure of the American Consul-General +from Havana. 'Twas said that he was coming direct to Washington. His +portrait and the <i>Maine</i> lithographs were hung side by side, and the +people spoke of 'Our Fitz' with enthusiastic affection. The President +and his Cabinet were roundly censured for their policy of moderation. +Much whiskey and beer was consumed by thirsty patriots. The pent-up +feeling of the people found relief here and there by loud +cheering—especially at the bulletin boards. Tiny Cuban flags were worn. +Crossed American and Cuban flags were everywhere displayed.</p> + +<p>"The De Lome incident—the intercepted letter of the imprudent Spanish +Minister, and his subsequent disgrace and recall—was another +much-discussed topic. It was an open secret, especially among the +newspaper fraternity and others in the know, that the former minister +had dispensed with lavish hand a corruption fund to influence writers on +the American press. A little clique of journalists in and around the +Capitol had profited greatly. Information about alleged filibuster +movements found a ready market at the Spanish legation. These, and a +dozen other subjects relative to the momentous events then impending, +occupied the thoughts of a highly excited public.</p> + +<p>"That walk down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Treasury to the Capitol +opened my eyes wider than ever to the fact that the popular clamor was +for war, war, the sooner the better. The sentiment in Washington voiced +that of the entire country. Similar scenes were occurring in all the +large cities, and I could fancy the crowd at the home post-office +waiting for the latest Buffalo papers, hear the warm debate at Steve +Warner's, and see Major Kirkpatrick haranguing the boys from the steps +of the city hall; which, in fact, he did. (See the Hiram <i>Intelligencer</i> +of that date.)</p> + +<p>"Henley of Iowa had the floor when I took my seat in the House. The +galleries were filled. It was warm in the chamber, and fans, bright bits +of color, waved briskly. In the Diplomatic gallery the representatives +of many nations seemed anxious and absorbed. Subdued murmurs of +applause, like the hum of a mighty hive, arose at the telling points of +the speech, which was for war! war! war! The galleries reeked with +enthusiasm, and quailed not before the stern eye of the Speaker.</p> + +<p>"Notwithstanding Henley's fiery eloquence, I was desperately sleepy, +having been up late the night before; indeed, there were streaks of rosy +light in the eastern sky when I reached my hotel. I found myself nodding +at my desk, and it was with an effort that I turned to the work which +had accumulated before me. An enormous mail had arrived. The usual +place-hunting letters from constituents, a petition from the Women's +Christian Temperance Union of Hiram Center protesting against the sale +of liquor at the Capitol, invitations to dine, a tempting mining +prospectus, circulars without number, and at the bottom of the pile a +square blue affair with the Washington postmark. I gave it my immediate +attention. The letter began abruptly, and ran as follows:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"'Ah, senor, have you forgotten Saratoga, and the little Mercedes? +Have you forgotten your promise to the Cuban girl? Surely not! The +pain in my heart you must well understand, for I know that <i>you</i> +love <i>your</i> country very dearly. I read your speeches—all of +them—I read them in the papers, but not a word for Cuba—my poor, +bleeding Cuba! And yet you swore to me that night on the veranda, +with the moon shining so softly through the vines, that your voice +would ever be raised for Cuba—Cuba Libre! Would I have kissed you +else? Now, dear friend, when you make one of your beautiful +speeches again, think of Cuba, my gasping, dying Cuba, and</p> + +<p>"'<span class="smcap">Mercedes.</span></p> + +<p>"'P. S.—I am in Washington, at the Arlington.—M.'</p></div> + +<p>"This was interesting, to say the least. Of course, I remembered +Mercedes, and old Villasante, her fat papa, and Manuel the brother, and +Alejandro the cousin. Yes, I remembered them all very well and the night +on the veranda, with the moon shining softly through the vines, the +music floating out to us from the ballroom, the innumerable bumpers with +Manuel Villasante, Carlos Amezaga, Alejandro Menendez, and others of the +Cuban colony at the hotel. Also the promise made to my lovely partner as +to the voice for Cuba—Cuba Libre!—when I took my seat in Congress; the +warm pressure of her arms around my neck—and the kiss! How could I +forget it? But that was two summers ago, and my views now and then were +vastly different. Whatever I may have said under the combined witchery +of Mercedes, the moonlight, and the champagne was not to be seriously +considered now. Like all Americans and lovers of liberty, I thought of +course that Cuba should be free, that she should make every effort +toward that much-to-be-desired end, but the idea of my own country +stepping in to aid her did not strongly appeal to me. While Cuban +affairs elicited the warmest interest in the States, those of our people +who had actively assisted the patriots had become involved in endless +trouble both with the home government and that of Spain. Filibustering +was severely frowned upon, and many recent attempts had proven most +disastrous, jeopardizing both the lives of the 'patriots' and the +<i>entente cordiale</i> between two great and friendly nations. The blowing +up of the <i>Maine</i>, undoubtedly the work of Cuban insurgents in order to +hasten hostilities with Spain, had rendered the situation most acute. +Pledged to the Administration, I was a conservative of conservatives. I +was therefore opposed to any interference in Cuban affairs, and I +regarded a conflict with Spain as the height of folly. I was determined +to fight to the bitter end any measure for war.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs098" id="gs098"></a> +<img src="images/gs098.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>The Kiss!</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"With all this in mind, I tore up the fair Cuban's letter and threw it +into the waste-basket. At that very moment a page hurried to my side and +handed me a card.</p> + +<p>"Manuel Villasante was waiting to see me!</p> + +<p>"I went out to him most reluctantly. He greeted me with enthusiasm; his +delight amounting almost to rapture. I am afraid I did not meet him half +way, nor anywhere near it. He did not appear to notice it.</p> + +<p>"'My dear, dear friend,' said he, 'this is a sublime moment! To see +<i>you</i>, the gay companion, the good fellow, the butterfly, I may say, of +other days, a member of this great body is certainly soul-stirring! So +you have realized your ambition? What next? The Senate? And then—then?' +he pointed upward, 'higher yet? and still higher? Ha! The White House? +Who knows?' he whispered prophetically.</p> + +<p>"I cast my eyes modestly to the floor.</p> + +<p>"'This is quite enough for me, or any other good American; but, Senor, +tell me about your father and the Senorita, your sister; are they well? +And how long have you been in Washington? It is certainly good to see +you again.'</p> + +<p>"'We are all here for a few days—my father, my sister, and I. You know +we are living in New York this winter?'</p> + +<p>"'In New York, eh? Fine! It is strange,' I continued, 'but I was +thinking of you and your family the very moment your card was brought +in.'</p> + +<p>"'Ah, my friend,' he said mysteriously, 'you know what it is, do you +not? It is the mental telepathy. I have known of things most wonderful +to happen by the mental telepathy. Only yesterday my sister +Mercedes——'</p> + +<p>"'Quite right,' said I, heading him off, and remembering something I had +read not long before, 'it is indeed a wonderful, subtle thing. We live +in the midst of the unknown. Unseen forces drag us hither and thither. +At times we are brought face to face with the occult, the eerie, the +gruesome. Charcot says in his superb work on the subject +that—er—that—well, we will hardly go into it now. Some other time. +The matter is a profound one, and not to be touched upon lightly. How is +my old friend Alejandro Menendez?'</p> + +<p>"'He is well, but—sh! Caution! Are we quite safe here? Yes? It is a +great secret, but I tell <i>you</i>—you, a trusted friend. I tell you all! +Alejandro Menendez is at this very moment approaching the shores of our +beloved isle! I can see it now—the beautiful yacht, the calm blue sea, +the brave patriots, and our glorious flag floating in the breeze! And a +more magnificent body of men never set forth in a grander cause; with +hearts full of courage and high purpose to fight, aye, to die, in the +sacred cause of Liberty!'</p> + +<p>"'That's great!' said I, with a burst of false enthusiasm, 'great! never +heard anything better in my life! Villasante, old fellow, put it there! +I admire your ner—feeling!' And we clasped hands.</p> + +<p>"'And you will join them?' I added.</p> + +<p>"'No, not yet,' he said, with an expressive shrug; 'I am more needed +elsewhere; here—in New York. There is money to be raised, arms and +ammunition to be procured, sympathies to enlist, influence to gain. +Later, I will see Alejandro, and the beautiful <i>Sylph</i>.'</p> + +<p>"'The what?' I asked, rising excitedly.</p> + +<p>"'The <i>Sylph</i>—the <i>Sylph</i>—queen of vessels! Senor Robson's yacht. +Senor Robson—the tall handsome fellow who was with us at the Spa. You +know him.'</p> + +<p>"'Know him? Of course I know him! Robson? Robson a filibuster? +Impossible!'</p> + +<p>"'Why so?' asked the Cuban coldly.</p> + +<p>"'Hell, man!' I said, 'don't you realize what it all means?—certain +failure, disgrace, death! My God, what folly!'</p> + +<p>"'Never, never!' shouted Villasante, waving his arms. 'Glory awaits +them! The plaudits of the world! The embraces and blessings of a freed +people! Laurel wreaths shall crown their brows! Poets shall chant their +praises! History will render them immortal! Oh, what an opportunity is +theirs! And everything has been most carefully planned. 'Twas Robson's +own idea. A picked lot of men, with rifles and ammunition. He to command +the vessel; Menendez to assume the lead on landing. Their destination, +co-operation with the patriots on shore, supplies—everything has been +arranged for. As to their success, I have no fear whatsoever!'</p> + +<p>"I was aghast! The thought that my hare-brained cousin was engaged in +such a foolhardy expedition was maddening. I loved the boy as a +brother—indeed he <i>was</i> my foster-brother, brought up in my own family, +and regarded as one of us. The Cuban studied my face curiously.</p> + +<p>"'Senor,' said he gravely, 'knowing your sentiments, I came here to-day +for advice. There is much more to be told. Every moment is precious. +To-morrow in New York——'</p> + +<p>"'Stop!' I thundered, 'you have gone too far already! There is some +mistake. You are laboring under a delusion. I will tell you frankly, +Villasante, that you misjudge me. Many things have happened since I saw +you at Saratoga two years ago. My views upon public questions have +changed, as a more intimate acquaintance with any subject is apt to +effect. I should like to see your country self-governed, the Spanish +yoke overthrown, and liberty in its best sense gained; but the United +States must keep her hands off! It would mean war with a friendly +nation, an ancient ally. In other words, there would be the Devil to +pay! Can't you see our position in the matter?'</p> + +<p>"'Caramba!' (or something like that) exclaimed Villasante excitedly, +walking up and down, and clenching his fists. 'Your country <i>must</i> aid +us! We can not free ourselves—quite impossible! We are weak; Spain is +mighty! For centuries she has held us in her torturing grasp! It has +been a continual drain of our blood, our pride, our gold, and all that +goes to make for the self-respect and prosperity of a nation! Cuba is +desolated! She cries for aid—first to you; if unheeded, then to the +whole world! Shall the Pearl of the Antilles fall to Germany, France, or +England?'</p> + +<p>"'Not while the Monroe Doctrine is respected and enforced, as it will +be!' said I spread-eagle-ly.</p> + +<p>"'Your Monroe Doctrine, bah, I care not <i>that</i> for it!' said he, +snapping his fingers. 'Let the United States look to herself if she +refuses to help us! As for you, Senor,' he continued in milder tones, +but with a threatening note, 'if, as you tell me, you are no longer our +friend, as a gentleman you will at least respect the secret that I have +so ill-advisedly betrayed to you. My kinsman's life, as well as that of +the Captain Robson, depend upon your silence. I rather think you will do +us no harm, eh?' And there he had me. If I was ever disposed to violate +his confidence, the fact that I would thereby jeopardize my young cousin +would effectually deter me. I assured the tempestuous fellow that his +secret was safe with me, and after a few moments we parted, with a great +show of politeness on both sides. I was glad to have him go.</p> + +<p>"Again back in my seat my reflections were anything but pleasing. It was +harrowing to think of Charlie Robson so completely in the power of these +desperadoes, his probable fate, and the grief of his family and friends. +And what could I do to save him? My hands were completely tied.</p> + +<p>"The Villasante family and I were under the same roof, all of us being +at the Arlington, but I hoped to avoid seeing them. Certainly, after my +talk with Manuel, a meeting would be anything but agreeable. With these +and a thousand other perplexing thoughts I left the House, hailed a cab, +and was hurried to my hotel.</p> + +<p>"While dressing for dinner there came a discreet knock at the door, and +Manuel Villasante glided in.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs107" id="gs107"></a> +<img src="images/gs107.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>Manuel Villasante.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"I was distinctly annoyed.</p> + +<p>"'Pardon this intrusion, Senor,' he said courteously, 'also what I may +have said to you this afternoon. I was excited—distressed—wounded to +the heart! Perhaps I forgot myself. Let us forget it all, and be good +friends once more,' and he held out his hand with a smile. I took it. +There was something very winning about the fellow, and he made me feel +sorry and ashamed. Somehow all the blame shifted over to me. We shook +hands warmly.</p> + +<p>"'Now,' he said, 'you are the bon comrade I knew at Saratoga. Let it +always be so. My father and sister are waiting below and long to see +you. Perhaps you will dine with us? We will consider ourselves +fortunate.'</p> + +<p>"We went down to the parlors and found Mercedes and her father. She was +as beautiful as ever, and the old fellow was the same courtly, polished +man of the world as of yore; a little grayer and more rat-like, perhaps, +but showing no other signs of advancing age. Mercedes was a trifle more +plump than when I last saw her, but not unbecomingly so. What a +magnificent creature she was!</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs108" id="gs108"></a> +<img src="images/gs108.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>Papa Villasante.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"My Cuban friends had much to say about their life in New York, the many +flattering attentions received from friends and acquaintances, the +opera, the shops, and other delights of metropolitan life. The Senorita +said she preferred New York to Paris; so did her papa and brother. They +loved America and everything American.</p> + +<p>"The dinner was a delight. Afterward we went to the theatre. The +excitement in the streets did not escape the notice of the Cubans. Nor +did the flag of Cuba Libre picked out in electric lights over the +entrance of a restaurant near the theatre, nor other significant sights +and sounds. But they warily held their peace. I looked for some show of +feeling, but there was none. A téte-â-téte with Mercedes was out of the +question, and for this I fervently thanked the gods! There was no +telling the havoc that bewitching face might have wrought. Principles, +opinions, and theories might have withered and fallen utterly consumed +beneath the fire of those ardent glances and the magic of that caressing +voice! So it was all for the best.</p> + +<p>"After the play there was supper, and then we returned to the hotel. +Parting with the Senorita at the elevator, not without a tender pressure +of her jeweled fingers,—ah me!—I proposed to the father and son that +we go to my club, a few staggers away. They consented and we ambled +leisurely along, the streets now quite deserted. The night was fine; +clear, and unusually warm for the season. We moved along silently, +enjoying our cigars; at peace with ourselves and all the world. As we +approached H Street I was roughly seized by the collar, a gag thrust +into my mouth, and turning in amazement was felled by a terrible blow +from a cane—Papa Villasante's cane! While on the pavement, stunned and +bleeding, blows and kicks were rained upon my face and shoulders by the +pair, who were evidently bent upon killing me. Then Manuel drew a long, +deadly looking knife! I caught its hideous gleam in the semi-light as it +was about to descend, and then I lost consciousness!</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"An interested and amused group surrounded me when I opened my eyes and +realized that the end was not yet. Hillis, of Kentucky, Campbell, of +Ohio, Reyburn, of Texas, and many others were grouped about my desk in +mock solemnity. A loud laugh arose as I staggered to my feet; for I +alone, of a vast gathering, had slept soundly through one of the most +exciting debates in parliamentary history! Through it all—the battle +raging around me, and the House swept as by a great storm. Through it +all, yea, even unto the adjournment!"</p> + +<p>"A very pretty tale, and one to be remembered," observed Colonel +Manysnifters thoughtfully. "<i>I</i> never had an adventure like that, +because I am awfully careful about what I eat and drink, and I roost at +chicken-time. There's no telling what will happen to a man when he +violates Nature's laws. Night is made for sleep, and the three hours +before midnight count for more than all the rest."</p> + +<p>"And yet, Colonel," remonstrated Van Rensselaer, "by your own admission +just now——"</p> + +<p>"You mean my outing with the 'Jewels,' I suppose. That, my friend, is +the solitary exception that proves the rule. That little adventure +simply confirmed yours truly in his belief of the old maxim learned at +Mammy's knee, that</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Early to bed and early to rise,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!'<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"I may misquote, but it will do. Old Sol has scarce seemed to illumine +the Western heavens ere I seek my humble couch. And yet I do not pose as +a saint. But stop! If I do not greatly err, the junior Senator from +Massachusetts seems restless and eager-eyed. I think he would like to +take the floor. I know the signs, having often observed just such a +readiness in many a good man before."</p> + +<p>Senator Wendell, blushing, denied the charge, but when urged by all +present responded gamely.</p> + +<p>"I really think I have no story to tell that would interest you. My life +has been cast upon very hum-drum matter-of-fact lines, and I can recall +no startling incident. In my native town there is a shop-keeper who, +when he is out of any article called for, tells his customers to wait a +moment while he sends the boy over to the warehouse,—the 'warehouse' +being the larger and more prosperous establishment of a rival just +around the corner,—and the boy never returns empty-handed. I shall have +to imitate my worthy friend; so pardon me just a moment." And the +Senator left us and went to his room. He soon returned with some papers.</p> + +<p>"I am, as perhaps you know, connected with the —— Magazine, and this +is one of the many manuscripts that reach our office every day. These +things, with a very few exceptions, are promptly returned to their +authors—provided, of course, that sufficient postage for that purpose +is enclosed. This particular effort is as yet under advisement. Perhaps +the tale will interest you. It is called 'The Creaking of the Stairs,' +and is rather out of the ordinary. You may fancy it."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII</h2> + +<h3>SENATOR WENDELL READS "THE CREAKING OF THE STAIRS"</h3> + + +<p>"After four years of luxury at the Capital there came a most disastrous +change in the Administration and I lost my rather exalted position under +the government. This was all the greater shock, for I had cherished the +comforting idea that I was protected to some extent by the Civil Service +law. However, when I recovered from the first effects of the blow I +looked the situation squarely in the face, and was content with a stray +crumb which fell from the opposition table. I had still some influence +to command, and after superhuman exertion managed to secure a +twelve-hundred-dollar clerkship.</p> + +<p>"My wife, always cheerful under the most trying circumstances, was fully +equal to this occasion.</p> + +<p>"'Well, my love,' said she, 'of course we must give up everything here, +and that will be a little trying for a while, I'll admit, but we should +be thankful that you are not thrown out altogether,' adding with a tinge +of melancholy, 'I don't think, though, that I could bear to live in +Washington after the change. Suppose we try A—— for a while.'</p> + +<p>"A—— is over in Maryland, about six miles from town, and very +convenient trains are run between the two places. One can live quite +comfortably there for very little, so my wife's suggestion was quickly +adopted.</p> + +<p>"'It reminds me of dear, dear Salem,' she said some weeks later, 'and +rents are so cheap. Think of the ridiculously small price we pay for +this house.'</p> + +<p>"'Suspiciously small, you mean,' said I gloomily, not at all reconciled +to my wife's choice of abode. But as my feeble protest was treated with +silence I held my peace. 'Anything for a quiet life' has ever been a +favorite conceit with me.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Ploat had taken an old-fashioned house in Queen Anne Street, large +enough for a family of twenty persons. Now, as my household consisted of +only my wife, her unmarried sister, and myself, I could not understand +what was wanted with such capacious quarters. But I had no say in the +matter. My wife fancied the house, it seemed to me, on account of its +colonial air, wide halls, huge high-ceilinged rooms, and general lack of +modern improvements.</p> + +<p>"I never liked the house in Queen Anne Street, though this aversion was +apparently unreasonable, for we were cosy enough after the throes of +moving in and settling down were over. But it struck me from the start +that there was something decidedly uncanny about the place, and a vague +feeling of uneasiness became very keenly defined in me whenever I heard +the creaking of the stairs.</p> + +<p>"The stairs throughout the house had an infernal habit of creaking—one +after another—as if somebody was coming up or down. At first I thought +it was the rats that infested the old mansion in legions; but I +abandoned this idea after a few experiments which proved conclusively +that the creaking sounds could only be made by a person or thing quite +as heavy, if not heavier, than myself—then tipping the beam at one +hundred and eighty pounds.</p> + +<p>"In the course of time I became personally acquainted with each stair in +the Queen Anne Street house, and especially with those in the main +flight. Business, or pleasure, often compelled me to keep late hours, +and on such occasions, on arriving home, I would naturally try to reach +my room as quietly as possible. With my shoes in my hand, and by a +series of agile leaps from one less noisy stair to another, I usually +succeeded in attaining the upper part of the house without much +disturbance.</p> + +<p>"The annoying sounds occurred at all hours, but were of course more +noticeable at night. I am a light sleeper, and was invariably awakened +by them, and this, with the loud ticking of a grandfather's clock on the +first landing, usually banished further slumber, and I would arise at +daybreak, weary and unrefreshed. The clock was finally stopped, after a +heated discussion with my wife and sister-in-law, who regarded it with +something akin to reverence. It was indeed a venerable affair. I hated +the thing even when it was quiet, for it reminded me of a coffin set on +end, and I would pass it in the dark hurriedly, and with averted face.</p> + +<p>"I do not think that either my wife or sister-in-law ever heard the +creaking of the stairs. If they did they never said anything about it to +me. For my part, I was silent, because I did not want to be laughed at +by my womenkind, and I knew also that if the matter reached the ear of +our only servant she would immediately take her departure. Help is not +easy to obtain in A——, and if it were known that our home was haunted +we would be obliged to do all our own drudgery in future.</p> + +<p>"This state of things continued nearly a year. Occasionally, for a week +or two at a time, the creaking stopped altogether. In these intervals I +slept well and improved in every way, but when the disturbances returned +I became more depressed and gloomy than ever. My health was wretched at +the time, and I felt that I was gradually breaking down.</p> + +<p>"At last I determined to call upon my landlord, Doctor Matthai, and lay +the trouble before him. He was born and raised in the house, and I +thought it probable that he could solve the mystery, or at least suggest +a remedy. Doctor Matthai lived just across the way in a quaint cottage +covered with great climbing roses and set well back in a prim garden, +with hollyhocks and hedges of box, and an ancient sun-dial which was my +wife's never-ending delight.</p> + +<p>"The doctor was a short, thick-set, heavily whiskered gentleman, and +looked more like a retired man of affairs than the prosy recluse that he +was; but he had long since ceased to take any active interest in life, +and gave himself up entirely to scientific study and research of a more +or less abstruse nature. A useless sort of existence, it seemed to me, +as mankind was never destined, nor intended, to reap the benefits of his +labor. His sister kept house for him, and had full charge of all his +business matters. The doctor owned considerable property, and Miss +Regina proved a capable manager; as a collector of rents she certainly +had no equal—to that I can cheerfully testify. She was not popular in +A——, nor was her eccentric brother. Unpleasant tales were told about +Matthai. I never knew all the particulars, but they had something to do +with the murder of a slave in antebellum days. The townsfolk were +extremely reticent on the subject, and very mercifully so, for, as I +have since learned, the tragedy occurred in our house in Queen Anne +Street.</p> + +<p>"I found Doctor Matthai in his library, immersed in study as usual; +quite out of the world so far as every-day happenings were concerned. He +greeted me rather coldly.</p> + +<p>"'I beg your pardon,' said I, 'but I have come to see you about the +house.'</p> + +<p>"'My sister, Regina——' he interrupted.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, I know,' said I, 'but this visit is to <i>you</i>, though I fear you +will look upon what I have to say as very nonsensical and farfetched. To +me, though, it is a very serious matter.'</p> + +<p>"I dwelt at length upon the grievance; putting it as strongly as +possible. The doctor listened attentively, and when I concluded, laughed +and said, 'I believe you fully as to the creaking of the stairs, but you +attach entirely too much importance to it. The noise results, I have no +doubt, from perfectly natural causes. You must remember, sir, that the +stairways are very old indeed, any jar from the movement of persons in +other parts of the house, the action of the wind against the walls, or +the rotting or shrinking of wood from age will produce just such sounds +as you have heard. I quite fail, therefore, to see any mystery about +it.'</p> + +<p>"'However,' he continued, 'I will send a carpenter around who will +probably set things to rights; that is, if the expense be not too great. +I am not prepared to put a large sum of money on the house; and +stairways, you know, are costly arrangements at best.' I fully agreed +with him.</p> + +<p>"'By the way,' said he, blinking at me through his thick glasses, 'there +is just a bit of nervousness in your make-up, isn't there? "A little off +your feed," as Regina says; liver out of shape—something of that sort, +eh?' I confessed that that was just it. I frankly told him that I was +not only a nervous man, but a miserably sick and frightened one to boot. +He did not offer to prescribe for me, and after some moments of silence +I judged that he considered our interview at an end. I arose to go, but +on leaving the room fired a parting shot, which, to my surprise, proved +a telling one.</p> + +<p>"'Doctor,' said I, 'before you send the man to make repairs I would like +you to hear the creaking of the stairs for yourself—just as a matter of +curiosity. My wife and sister-in-law are going up to the old home in a +few days. Suppose you come over and spend a night with me while they are +away.'</p> + +<p>"The doctor chuckled, 'You are a queer fellow, Mr. Ploat; a queer +fellow, and no mistake. You say you are run down, played out, can't +sleep. Take more exercise, sir; give up late suppers, drink less, stop +smoking. A man leading the sedentary life you do should take more care +of himself. I am older than you are, and a physician. My advice may be +worth something. As to coming over and staying with you, I don't see +that there is anything in that. It seems absurd, quite so; but +nevertheless, I will humor you. Let me know when to come, but on no +account say anything of this to my sister. My absence would greatly +alarm her. I have not been out of this house after dark for over forty +years!'</p> + +<p>"With this strange assertion our conversation closed.</p> + +<p>"The following Monday my wife and sister-in-law left for Salem, and +Doctor Matthai promised to be with me on Wednesday night. When I found +myself alone in the house I resolved to put into execution an idea which +struck me with much force. I thought it very likely that I would find +out whether the creaking of the stairs was of human or supernatural +origin; and this I hoped would be made plain before the doctor came +over. That the noise was due to natural causes, as he so adroitly +suggested, I, in my heart of hearts, could not bring myself to believe. +Poe is my favorite author, and he perhaps could have suggested a +solution of the perplexities that beset me; but no inspiration came to +me from the oft-read pages which I turned over and over in despair.</p> + +<p>"My plan was a simple one, and it was odd that I had not thought of it +before; but after all, it would have been impracticable as long as my +wife and sister-in-law were in the house.</p> + +<p>"On Tuesday night I sprinkled a thin layer of flour over each stair, +from basement to attic. This was a task of an hour or so, but I felt +that I did not labor in vain. Then I turned in and slept soundly until +midnight, when I was awakened as usual by the creaking of the stairs. It +is hardly necessary to say that I remained in bed, making no attempt +whatever to investigate, but valiantly drew up the covers over my head, +fully expecting every moment to feel the weight of a dreadful hand upon +some portion of my body.</p> + +<p>"In the morning, my bravery having returned, I found upon each stair the +clear impression of a naked human foot! The footprints were very large, +and were made in ascent. There was no trace of them beyond the third +floor, for the flour on the stairway to the attic above had been +partially brushed off as by a trailing garment. The attic was perfectly +bare, affording no hiding-place for man or beast, as there were no +closets, presses or means of concealment of any kind. My visitor may +have gone out by way of the trap door in the loft which opened upon the +roof, but it was securely bolted on the inside, and the bolts, which +were caked with rust in their fastenings, had evidently not been pulled +out for years. I made a thorough search of the attic, the loft, and the +upper floors of the house, but failed utterly to discover any further +trace of the prowler.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs124" id="gs124"></a> +<img src="images/gs124.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>—Upon each stair the clear impression of a naked human +Foot!"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<p>"I hardly knew whether to feel relieved or not when I learned that the +unknown was no ghost after all. Certainly not the vapory, unsubstantial +kind that flit through mansions such as mine. Here was a being of solid, +nay, gigantic proportions, as the creakings and huge footprints fully +attested. I knew, though, that I would assuredly have the best of Dr. +Matthai should he (or she) of the massive feet see fit to appear on the +coming night.</p> + +<p>"After carefully sweeping up the floor I shut up the house, and resolved +to keep my own counsel. I breakfasted in Washington that morning, +having, for obvious reasons, given our servant a holiday, and returned +to A—— about five in the afternoon; dining later with Doctor Matthai, +who met me at the station and very hospitably insisted upon my going +home with him. Shortly after dinner I bade my host and his sister +good-evening and went over to my own deserted dwelling. An hour or so +after, Doctor Matthai came in. Both of us were armed, and I thought it +singular that the doctor, who appeared to treat the whole affair as a +joke, should have taken that precaution. We sat by the open fire in my +dining-room, smoking; the doctor lingering somewhat mournfully upon the +departed greatness of A—— which, it seems, had once been a town of +considerable social and commercial importance. With reminiscence and +ancedote the hours sped by, and it was nearly midnight when we retired.</p> + +<p>"The doctor, sharing my bed, asked me to arouse him if I heard anything +during the night. I slept fairly well until the clock on the mantel +struck two, when I awoke with a start. Complete silence reigned, and I +rolled over again for another nap. As I did so I heard a faint creaking +sound on the upper stair!</p> + +<p>"'Ah,' thought I, 'it is coming down.' And so it proved. I gave the +doctor a violent nudge. He opened his eyes and looked at me stupidly.</p> + +<p>"'Hush,' I whispered, 'don't you hear it? Don't you hear it?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, I do,' replied he, sitting up and peering into the darkness.</p> + +<p>"Creak! Creak! Creak! Nearer 'It' came, and our floor was reached. +Clutching his revolver, Doctor Matthai sprang out of bed and ran to the +door. Then a horrible scream of terror and anguish rang through the +house. An invisible hand seemed to drag the unfortunate man out of the +room. There was a brief, desperate struggle on the landing, the creature +went heavily down the stairs, and the street door shut with a bang!</p> + +<p>"When I recovered to some extent from the panic of fear and trembling +into which I was thrown by this awful and inexplicable occurrence, I +hurriedly dressed, and seeing nothing of the doctor, went over at once +to his cottage. Remembering his caution about Miss Regina, and not +wishing to otherwise frighten her, I ran around to the alley at the rear +of the grounds and climbed over the fence. The doctor's library and +bedroom were adjoining apartments on the ground floor, and the long, low +windows of each opened upon a porch at the side of the house. All the +blinds were closed and securely fastened. I knocked on them several +times, but there was no response, though a dim light was burning in the +library. I heard some one moving inside, and for a moment I thought I +heard the sound of voices in angry argument or expostulation. But of +this I cannot be positive. I remained on the porch at least ten minutes, +vainly trying to get into the rooms, then I gave it up and left the +premises.</p> + +<p>"My state of mind after the harrowing events of the night was indeed +distressing. I did not—could not—return home. I have an indistinct +recollection of walking swiftly up and down the deserted streets and far +out into the country. Daylight found me several miles from the town; +hatless, wild-eyed, a sorry spectacle, at whom one or two farmers, on +their way to early market, gazed in amazement. When I turned back, the +sun was high in the heavens. I went again to Doctor Matthai's. A crowd +stood about the door. I was rudely seized and placed under arrest, +charged—oh, my God!—with the murder of Doctor Matthai! The shockingly +mutilated body had just been found in the hallway of the old house in +Queen Anne Street! * * * I am innocent, innocent! Weeks—they seem +centuries—pass, and I yet await trial. * * *</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"George Delwyn Ploat, the writer of the above remarkable story, was +hanged in the jailyard at A—— for the wilful and brutal murder of +Doctor Ambrose Matthai, a retired practitioner of that place. The plea +of insanity, so strongly urged by the prisoner's counsel, proved +unavailing, and the condemned man paid the penalty for his crime on +Friday morning last."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"You know what a story like that demands, I suppose," said Colonel +Manysnifters, reaching for the button; "and as I seem to be the +self-appointed chairman here, I will now call upon the gentleman from +Michigan for a few remarks. I am sure that he will not disappoint us. +Senator, we are waiting for you, sir."</p> + +<p>"Very well," said Senator Hammond, "since there seems to be no escape, I +will do the best I can."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX</h2> + +<h3>SENATOR HAMMOND'S EXPERIENCE</h3> + + +<p>"The facts that I am about to relate occurred many years ago while I was +on a visit to relatives in Charleston, South Carolina. The old house +where I was a guest stands on the Battery, and with its beautiful +gardens is still one of the show places of the city.</p> + +<p>"It was on a warm Sunday afternoon, and I found myself alone in the +house, the family and servants at church, and a brooding stillness that +presaged the approach of a storm, settling over all. At that time I was +a dreamy, romantic, long-haired youth with all sorts of notions about +the artistic temperament, carelessness in dress, and painting miniatures +for a living. They told me I had some talent, and I believed them +thoroughly.</p> + +<p>"I had wandered in from the garden, my hands full of flowers for the +vases in the library, when a sudden gust of wind tore through the wide +hall, the door shut with a bang, and I found myself face to face with my +ancestors. Grim gentlemen with somber faces, simpering almond-eyed +beauties in cobwebby laces; and in the place of honor a frowning hag, +whose wrinkles even the flattering painter dare not hide. Time had added +to the sallowness of her complexion, and certain cracks in the canvas +but intensified her ugliness. Artistic cracks they were, too, for they +fell in just the right places, and heightened the general effect +amazingly.</p> + +<p>"Doubtless it was from this person, thought I, that I inherited my +rather nasty temper and other moral and mental infirmities. I gazed at +the lady long and earnestly, for as an ardent believer in heredity I +felt that here I had the key to a problem which often worried me. I +resolved to look her up at once in the family records.</p> + +<p>"But I was saved that trouble.</p> + +<p>"'Young man,' piped a high, thin voice close at hand, 'in my day it was +considered boorish in the extreme to stare at any one as you are now +doing. No gentleman, I am sure, would have been guilty of such a thing. +But these modern manners, and modern ways are quite beyond me. Perhaps +it is the mode nowadays to ape the rude youths who hung about the London +playhouses in my time. N'est'ce pas?'</p> + +<p>"I felt decidedly uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>"'Pardon me, I——'</p> + +<p>"'Stop!' said the voice, which came from the ugly one in the corner, +'stop, if you please! Don't attempt to apologize or explain; it takes +too much time, and time with me is very precious just now. You see,' she +added in milder tones, 'when one is allowed to have a say only once in a +century, and but fifteen minutes at that, one naturally wants to do all +the talking. That's perfectly reasonable, is it not? So keep quiet, my +dear, and listen to me. No interruptions, if you please.</p> + +<p>"'I am Margaret Holmead, your blood relation. You have the Holmead +figure, and coloring, and I knew you were one of us as soon as you came +into the room. Well.</p> + +<p>"'Do you see that hussy in the ruff over there? That is Mary Darragh, +Lady Benneville, my bitterest, bitterest enemy! See how she smiles at +me! Deceitful minx! When I tell you all you will surely take her out of +the room and fling her into the fire! For sixty years she has hung there +taunting me. They brought her down from the hall above just to spite me, +I do believe. 'Twas done in your grandfather's time. He was a Benneville +all over, and of course had no use for me. So for sixty long years I +have had to face Mary Darragh and submit to her impertinence, and I tell +you I am sick of it! Why do I hate her? For a very good reason, sir. Let +me tell you about it.</p> + +<p>"'My troubles began at the Duchess of Bolton's ball, long before I came +to this dreadful America. The King was there, and Lady Morley-Frere. If +my voice trembles as I mention their names, it is with rage I assure +you, and no wonder—for God knows that between them they played me a +scurvy trick! Yes, these two were there, and Lord Benneville, my cousin, +the handsomest man in all England—indeed, in all the world, I thought. +He was tall and slight, with wavy hair, light brown, almost golden, in +the sunlight. His eyes were gray, a lovely shade, though those who hated +him swore 'twas green. A clever supple swordsman, and to the fore in all +the rough games that men delight in. His face was very winsome, yet +often swept by varying moods. I have seen it hard and stern, and again +alight with the keenest appreciation of one of my Lord Kenneth's +witticisms. And, too, I have seen it tender, pleading, and melancholy +almost unto tears. Ah me!</p> + +<p>"'Lord Kenneth, older by several years; taller, darker, soured by a +great disappointment—so 'twas said—loved my Lord Benneville with all +the affection his selfish nature allowed. And Benneville returned it +frankly, in his open boyish fashion. They were ever together, and their +adventures and daring escapades more than once nearly threw them into +serious trouble. But what cared they, crack-brained as they were? Why, +on one pitch dark night, masked and mounted, my Lords Kenneth and +Benneville held up the Royal Mail, frightened the passengers almost to +death, and alarmed the whole countryside; sober folk who thought the +Devil himself was abroad! But the King only smiled indulgently, and +nothing came of it save much gossip at court. They were merry days for +all of us; balls and routs, and parties on the river, the King so +handsome and debonair, and the world so bright with sunshine and +happiness. Youth, my dear, is a great thing; what is there to compare +with it?</p> + +<p>"'But I am losing time. I must hasten to the ball at the Duchess's. 'Tis +hardly fair, this terrible silence they have imposed upon me. A century +at a stretch—think of it!</p> + +<p>"'I looked my best that night, at least every one said I did, and I had +my mirror to tell me so too. My gown was a wondrous figured thing from +the Indies—a soft, clinging, silken stuff that became me well. Royalty +sent an armful of great purple blossoms, strange in shape and smelling +ravishingly. My clever Prue spent hours on my hair, with the little +Lafitte for the finishing touches. My father was waiting below, and his +eyes shone with joy when he saw me; for he was proud, very proud of his +only daughter.</p> + +<p>"'The King patted my cheek and said such pretty things, and kissed me. +Little did I know what was to follow! Child, beware of Princes and +princely favor, for therein lies destruction!</p> + +<p>"'The night wore on, and the affair became gayer and more crowded. I had +been much with my Lord Benneville, who seemed quiet and preoccupied, yet +very tender and sweet withal. At that time there existed an +understanding between Arthur and me. Nothing announced as yet, for my +lover feared the King. His Majesty, of late, had been singularly +attentive to me. In fact, so marked had this been that the Queen's +manner toward me became more distant every day; thanks to Lady +Morley-Frere, Mary Darragh, and the other busybodies who had the royal +ear, and hated me. If I coquetted with the King 'twas but to see my +heart's real master frown, and his face grow wan and sad, for by those +very tokens I knew that he loved me.</p> + +<p>"'As I say, something was wrong with my dear Lord that night, and after +I had danced twice with the King, and once with the old Duke, Benneville +came to claim me. He took me away from the throng into a little gilded +room with scattered tables for cards, and there we were quite to +ourselves.</p> + +<p>"'"My darling," said he, "the King has honored me with a very special +mission. His Majesty deems that of all his loving subjects I am the best +fitted for this most important business," and my lover's voice +hoarsened, and there was hatred in his face. "I start at once for that +far city where the Grand Turk holds court. It is a long journey, and a +hard; and who can say when I will return? I have feared this all along, +sweetest one, and I have tried in vain to put off the evil day; and yet, +by Heaven, I will thwart him! You shall be Lady Benneville before +sunrise! And you will, dearest?"</p> + +<p>"'He took me in his arms. I was trembling from head to foot; fearful, +yet joyous. Mine is an emotional nature. But his next words sent a chill +through me.</p> + +<p>"'"Lady Morley-Frere has promised to help me. You must leave the palace +with her, and drive straight to St. Stephens-in-the-Fields. She has +arranged it all, like the dear, clever woman she is. As for me, I am in +Kenneth's hands."</p> + +<p>"'"No! No!" I cried out suddenly, quite aghast. "Not Lord Kenneth! O +God; not that man!" I feared and hated Robert, Lord Kenneth, and knew +well that he had no liking for me. "Not Lord Kenneth," I urged.</p> + +<p>"'"He is my friend," said Lord Benneville gravely.</p> + +<p>"'So what more could I say?</p> + +<p>"'"Your father has gone home, tired out," he said, by all this +frivolity, but Lady Morley-Frere will keep you to the end; and then to +Morley House with her. That at least is what she told him, and he seemed +well content."</p> + +<p>"'I nodded passively, but wondered, knowing as I did my father's +especial detestation for Lady Morley-Frere. Why, they scarcely spoke! +But of course my Arthur knew. There was no further time for parley, +however, as several of the guests, upon gaming bent, invaded our +retreat, and we returned to the ballroom.</p> + +<p>"'Old Lady Morley-Frere gave me a meaning look when we met at supper, +but had only the opportunity to whisper in passing, "At two o'clock; the +little door under the green lanthorn." I knew the place well, having +often taken chair there when the crowd pressed in front. Two o'clock +came, and we succeeded in leaving the palace quite unobserved, thanks to +the private door. It was bitterly cold and snowing hard, and we had +scarce left the court-yard when I fell to shivering, my teeth clicking +like castanets. Lady Morley-Frere, seeing my plight, held out a silver +flask, and from the depths of her cloak growled out, "Drink, drink! +'Twill set you right in a trice. 'Tis hot and spiced, and good for you." +I obeyed her. I had hardly swallowed it before a delicious warmth stole +over me, and every nerve tingled with pleasure. I sank back into the +cushions revived—exalted! Then I fell asleep. Oh, the shame of it! The +shame of it! A thousand curses upon a tipple that caused such woe! May +eternal perdition be the portion of the giver!</p> + +<p>"'Strong arms enfolded me when I came to my senses. My Benneville, I was +sure of it!</p> + +<p>"Darling," I murmured, still feeling strangely, "I have come to you. +Yes, out of the storm have I come to you! Like a weary, drenched bird, I +seek rest in thy dear arms! Kiss me, my dearest, kiss me!"</p> + +<p>"'He kissed me again and again ... How can I go on?... There was a sound +of smothered laughter—the irritating laugh of a woman I hated.... His +face was close to mine.... I opened my eyes.... Oh, God! It was the +King!</p> + +<p>"'In my rage and confusion I flung him from me, and fell, half-fainting, +to the floor. Then I heard my Lord Benneville say brokenly, as one +crushed by awful trouble, "Your Majesty is right. I pray you forgive my +harsh words of yesterday. Fool, fool that I am to have been so tricked! +O my Liege, my Liege, death would have been far preferable to this!" And +then my dear Lord, sobbing, went out into the gray dawn, and out of my +life forever!</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"'They took me from the King's chamber, and revived by the sharp air in +the street I managed to grope my way to my father's house. To <i>him</i> I +told nothing, for he was proud of me, and should I have killed him? Yet +he was much perplexed at my determination, for I never showed my face at +court again!'</p> + +<p>"My relative's voice, growing weaker every moment, flickered and died +out in a hissing whisper just as the silver chime over the mantel +proclaimed that her time was up. Then I must have awakened.</p> + +<p>"It may have been a dream, but so impressed was I by the old lady's +story that all the rest of the week I searched for further light upon +it. Into old carven chests I dived, opening package after package of +mouldy papers. In the attic trunks and boxes were rifled, until at last, +about to give up in despair, I found in an old desk a letter. It was in +French with the Benneville crest and seal, brown with age, and by no +means easy to decipher. The place of writing, and the date, quite beyond +human ken, so frayed and stained was the upper margin. Freely +translated, the letter read:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"'My Dear Old Bobby:</p> + +<p>"'Here we are, safe and sound. And what can I say to you, friend of +friends? This last scrape was the worst of all; was it not? Worse +by far than the affairs with the little Italian, or the fat +Princess, eh, Bobby, my boy? Our heartfelt thanks to his Majesty, +God bless him! and to Lady Morley-Frere, and to your dear self—our +eternal love! Oh, Bobby, the thought of marrying that sour-visaged +cousin of mine makes me ill, even now! And yet—at the time, before +I told you—I felt myself slowly drifting into it. The ground +seemed to be slipping from under my feet, as it were. I felt wholly +lost—trapped, by Jove! She was very determined. We are here with +the Ambassador until the affair blows over. My sweetest Mary joins +me in love.</p> + +<p>"'Ever your affectionate friend,</p> + +<p>"'<span class="smcap">Benneville</span>.'"</p></div> + +<p>"A dirty low trick of that fellow Benneville, I must say," said Colonel +Manysnifters disgustedly. "That sort of thing could never have happened +in these days. Did they ever move the Darragh woman's picture out of the +room?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"I believe so—some years later," replied Senator Hammond dryly; "in +fact, they were <i>all</i> moved out, and hurried into the up-country for +safe-keeping. That was about the time that we boys in blue were making +it particularly unpleasant for the residents of that part of the State. +I never knew the fate of the collection. I have not been South since +'64."</p> + +<p>"Well, anyway, Senator," said the Colonel, "I see you have got a line on +your ancestors, and that's more than many of us can say. I've never +bothered about mine. Descendants are bad enough. My forebears came over +to America years ago as ballast—didn't have any names, just numbers, +mostly thirteen and twenty-three! That old lady you were telling us +about certainly got it in the neck, and I hope that she will even +matters up in the other world. If she hasn't, by the time I get there I +will do all I can to help her out—always assuming, of course, that I am +going to the same place.</p> + +<p>"Now, if you gentlemen of the press will kindly step to the front and +favor us with your yarns we will all be mightily obliged to you. I have +heard nothing from any of you since 'way back in the dining-car. Some +observation about the moon, I believe."</p> + +<p>Mr. Callahan, the dean of the corps, blushed slightly.</p> + +<p>"It was O'Brien who got off the spiel about the moon. <i>I</i> have outgrown +that sort of thing. In my younger days I might have—well, we won't be +hard on O'Brien. He is not a bad fellow at heart, and I believe he will +try to do better in future. Now, as it seems to be my turn at +word-painting, I am going to tell you of an affair that occurred in +Washington a few years ago. It has to do with a well-known society girl, +an irascible father, a bad Chinaman, and a high collar—seemingly +irreconcilable elements, I'll admit, but I will do my best to mix 'em +in. I had the story in sections from most of the parties concerned; a +wide acquaintance with the police and an intimate knowledge of the +Chinese quarter helping out considerably. The odds and ends, pieced +together, make, I hope, a hearable tale."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>X</h2> + +<h3>MR. CALLAHAN'S STORY</h3> + + +<p>"My story begins, then, on a bright Sabbath afternoon in mid-autumn when +Miss Janet Cragiemuir left her home in K Street and set out leisurely +upon her walk to Bethany Church, where she revelled in her latest fad. +She had recently taken a class in the Chinese Sunday-school. The good +work began at three o'clock, and as it was nearly that hour, groups of +Chinamen stood out on the sidewalk chattering as only Celestials can. +They greeted Miss Cragiemuir with grave courtesy when she approached, +and shuffled lazily out of her way as she swept past. She was followed +into the building by her three scholars, one of whom presented her with +a small package which was accepted with some reluctance. Then a brief +whispered argument took place between the two, the Chinaman appearing to +have decidedly the best of it, for he displayed his broken, yellow teeth +in a hideous grin when his teacher turned from him to the other members +of the class.</p> + +<p>"Miss Cragiemuir was attached to her scholars, an intelligent lot of +men, speaking English fairly well, and at times quite electrifying her +by their naïve observations on men and things. But Ah Moy, the ugly +fellow at the end of the form, was her especial pride. That gorgeously +clad individual was considered the star scholar of the school, and as a +shining example of what Christian training can do for the heathen was +often pointed out to visitors. Well, Ah Moy <i>was</i> undeniably clever, but +not in just the way the good people of Bethany imagined. As a matter of +fact, a more corrupt Chinaman had never been smuggled into America. +Ostensibly in the laundry business, and really a master workman in that +line, the astute Chink had long since relinquished the labor over the +tubs and ironing-board to Hop Wah, his silent partner. Ah Moy's chief +interest in the establishment lay in its cavernous sub-cellar, where he +conducted gaming tables and a smoking-'parlor' with flattering success. +The gods evidently smiled upon him, for his den seemed to be unknown to +the police, though they had ferreted out all other resorts of the kind +in the city. As there is no 'graft' in Washington, and 'the Finest' are +above reproach, the idea that Ah Moy enjoyed police protection should be +dismissed with indignation.</p> + +<p>"Ah Moy's place bore an unsavory reputation even among the saffron-hued +residents of Four-and-a-half Street, but its bland proprietor was +regarded by the authorities as a particularly inoffensive and +law-abiding specimen—his high standing at Bethany proving a very strong +card. He was also the head of a powerful secret society, or 'tong,' and +wielded a tremendous influence in the Washington settlement, so his +countrymen dared not betray him. There was another, and in its way an +equally potent reason why the Chinaman played so well the rôle of +convert. He had fallen desperately in love with Miss Cragiemuir, and to +the unconscious girl his antics were puzzling, to say the least. He +annoyed her, too, with presents—trifles which she could not well refuse +without a scene, for after much surly mumbling he would sulk in his +corner like a spoiled child unless she instantly accepted his offerings. +So jars of preserved ginger, hideous ivory images, and trinkets of every +description were showered upon her, much to her discomfiture.</p> + +<p>"On the afternoon I speak of, Ah Moy, who had eclipsed all previous +records for brilliant recitations, became decidedly uneasy as the +benediction was being pronounced, and when he arose from his knees +tapped Miss Cragiemuir gently with his fan.</p> + +<p>"'Can Ah Moy walk home with pletty lady?' he asked in dove-like tones.</p> + +<p>"Now Miss Cragiemuir's fads were invariably carried through to the last +extremity, and Ah Moy's request, instead of embarrassing her, afforded a +thrill of gratification. She felt sure that he yearned for a fuller +knowledge of the great truths that had been unfolded in the afternoon's +lesson, and she also felt, with some exaltation of spirit, that her +influence over the man was being exerted for much good. So she nodded a +pleasant assent to the delighted Celestial, who blushed and trembled +with joy; and a blushing, trembling Chinaman is a sight for the gods!</p> + +<p>"'Well, Ah Moy,' she said in her best manner, 'I hope you will think +over what you have learned to-day, ponder it in your heart, and let it +be a subject of prayer. I see a great change in you—a change for the +better. The good seed has taken root, and my puny efforts will yet bear +fruit in due season. Now next Sunday we will take up the wonderful story +of "Daniel in the Lion's Den." That will interest you, I am sure.'</p> + +<p>"'Ah Moy takee up anysing that Missee want,' said the Chinaman +gallantly. 'Ah Moy velly, velly fond of Missee. He no come to +Slunday-school at all if teacher no come too! Slunday-school is a great +big bluff most allee time—it seem to me. Humbug, eh?'</p> + +<p>"This was a staggerer.</p> + +<p>"'Why, Ah Moy, how perfectly shocking! "Bluff!" "Humbug!" Where did you +learn such words? Oh, Ah Moy, you don't know how much you distress me! I +thought better of you than that; I did indeed! What do you come to the +school for? Isn't it because you want to be a better man, and to lead a +good and useful life? I certainly thought so. I am disappointed in you, +Ah Moy, more than I can say. This is dreadful!'</p> + +<p>"'Ah Moy rich,' he continued, unnoticing; 'got plenty money, habee heap +house—one in 'Flisco, one in San Looey, one here in this city. He want +get mallied; lovee gal, 'flaid tell her. 'Flaid makee mad. Ah Moy +bashful!'</p> + +<p>"'Really?' said Miss Cragiemuir with interest, wondering which of the +two or three women at the Mission he meant, 'In love! Oh, Ah Moy, how +romantic! Who is she? Perhaps I can help you.'</p> + +<p>"'I don't likee say,' replied he coyly.</p> + +<p>"'How foolish, Ah Moy. Tell me—I will promise not to mention it—not to +say a word to any one. Understand?'</p> + +<p>"'Plomise?' asked he craftily.</p> + +<p>"'Certainly I will promise. Don't you think I can keep a secret? Lots of +people tell me things—that's because they trust me. Who do you want to +marry? Ah, I believe I know. Isn't it Hoi Kee?'</p> + +<p>"'No-o.'</p> + +<p>"'Oo-Chow?'</p> + +<p>"'No-o.'</p> + +<p>"'Hoi Sing?'</p> + +<p>"'No-o.'</p> + +<p>"'Well, I declare! Who on earth is it then?'</p> + +<p>"'Ah Moy want mallie <i>you</i>!'</p> + +<p>"'What?'</p> + +<p>"Miss Cragiemuir, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, giggled +hysterically. A flush of rage darkened the Chinaman's sallow features, +and his eyes glittered with anger. Had the street been deserted he would +have strangled her, then and there, after the pleasing Oriental fashion. +But the time and place were unpropitious.</p> + +<p>"'Mellican gal makee fun of Ah Moy,' he said gruffly. 'She think he +joke, when allee time he mean velly much what he say!'</p> + +<p>"Then the teacher lost her temper.</p> + +<p>"'How dare you say such a thing to me? Are you crazy? You must be! Don't +you ever talk to me again like that. Do you hear? Leave me—go away! I +don't want you to walk a step further with me! Go home! I hope I will +never, never see you again!' and she turned her back on him indignantly. +Ah Moy made no response, but still stuck gamely at her side. She walked +faster; so did he, keeping right in line. For a square or so they +hurried along. Then she gave it up, slowed down, and said mildly, 'I am +glad, of course, that you are fond of me, Ah Moy. I want all the members +of my class to like me. I am trying to do a good part by you, and I hope +some day to see you back in your native land leading your people to the +light; but you have a great deal to learn yet. Besides,' she added +thoughtfully, reverting to his unlucky remark, 'haven't you a wife in +China?'</p> + +<p>"'I have <i>two</i> wifee in old countly,' replied Ah Moy proudly, 'but I +have none in 'Mellica—not a single wifee—no, not one! Ah Moy want +'Mellican wifee, so ba-ad, so ba-ad!' he said plaintively.</p> + +<p>"Miss Cragiemuir was seized with a wild desire to shriek with laughter, +but she wisely suppressed it. She felt that with the frank avowal of her +scholar the end of her usefulness at Bethany was drawing near. It +sobered and saddened her.</p> + +<p>"Ah Moy accompanied her in sullen silence to the door of the house in K +Street. Well-dressed church-goers gazed curiously at the pair, and many +facetious remarks were bandied about. Fragments of this found their way +to the ear of Major Cragiemuir as he was taking his afternoon airing in +the park, and filled him with wrath. The Major is a testy, pompous +specimen of the retired army officer, and takes himself very seriously. +His sense of dignity and propriety is never for a moment in abeyance, +and covers himself and all his belongings like a pall.</p> + +<p>"'This thing shall be stopped,' he declared, fuming with rage. 'I have +put up with Janet's infernal nonsense long enough! I won't have her the +laughing stock of the town! She shall give up this Chinese Sunday-school +business at once! But what next, what next?' he groaned 'Really, Janet +is getting quite beyond me—something decisive will have to be done. +Each new fad is more damnable than the other! Will there never be any +let up? God knows I have been a good father, and let her have her own +way in everything—nearly everything; but this is going a little too +far! If her mother had lived things would have been so different. Ah, +me!' And muttering angrily to himself, he whacked the inoffending +shrubbery with his cane.</p> + +<p>"The old gentleman's walk was quite spoiled.</p> + +<p>"When Miss Cragiemuir and Ah Moy reached the house in K Street the young +woman thanked her pupil for his escort, and politely wished him a good +afternoon. As she was about to leave him he madly seized her around the +waist, exclaiming, 'Ah Moy kissee you good-bye!' and tried his best to +do so. Miss Cragiemuir screamed, and nearly fainted with fright. +Luckily, the Major turned the corner just at this moment, and speedily +took in the situation. He rushed at the Chinaman, hurling him to the +pavement, and beat him soundly with his ever-ready stick. Then he +bestowed several well-directed kicks upon the prostrate form. Ah Moy +scrambled to his feet and fled, closely pursued by the enraged Major; +but the nimble-footed Chink managed to make good his escape, darting +into a friendly alley, and disappearing.</p> + +<p>"The terrified girl hurried into the house, and received shortly +afterward from her father a brief, but spirited lecture, which she will +long remember. He sternly declared, after touching upon all of her +hobbies,—he called them by a stronger name,—that if she continued to +give him trouble he would close up the Washington house and live in +future at The Oaks, the Cragiemuir place down in Maryland. This dire +threat proved most effectual, for Janet hated The Oaks, and she recalled +with disagreeable vividness one never-to-be-forgotten year spent there +as a child. So she went to her room and wrote to the superintendent at +Bethany that a sudden change in her plans would force her to give up her +class. The letter, a masterpiece in its way, closed with expressions of +the deepest regret, and was duly received by the excellent Mr. Bagby, +who felt that both Bethany and himself had sustained an irreparable +loss.</p> + +<p>"But the affair of the Chinaman by no means ended here.</p> + +<p>"Ten minutes after his unpleasant encounter with Major Cragiemuir, Ah +Moy arrived at his place of business in Four-and-a-half Street, a mass +of bruises, and with a heart full of hatred for his assailant. Perhaps, +after all, the fellow had meant no harm. In his guileless, imitative way +he had simply tried to do what he had often seen American young men do. +Had he not frequently observed big Policeman Ryan kiss the red-haired +widow who kept the lodging-house around on Missouri Avenue? Did not +Muggsy Walker—across the street—salute his sweetheart in the same +manner? Ah Moy had many times witnessed what struck him as a most absurd +ceremony on the part of the foreign devils; but he had watched them +closely, though, and flattered himself that he too could do the proper +thing when occasion called for it. He had, in fact, done so, and was +beaten for his pains! This was a h—l of a country, anyhow, thought he; +after this he would stick to the good old ways of his native land, and +have a whole skin to his credit. The teachings of a long line of +philosophical ancestors were by no means lost upon this their up-to-date +descendant. No more monkey tricks for him!</p> + +<p>"On the night of the beating, Ah Moy did not feel equal to presiding +over the tables, so the resort was closed for the first time in many +months. Down in the dark sub-cellar he soothed his ruffled feelings with +a long, quiet smoke, and meditated upon elaborate though somewhat +impracticable schemes of revenge as he lay in his bunk.</p> + +<p>"Several days later the Chinaman, still sore and in a bad humor, swung +himself on a car for Sam Yen's, whose laundry was some distance up town. +Yen was a quiet, easygoing fellow, and Ah Moy thought it great fun to +badger and worry him whenever there was nothing more promising in view. +On this particular morning Ah Moy found Yen shaking with a chill, and +almost too weak to drag himself across the room. Sam scarcely replied to +his tormentor's teasing, and the latter was about to leave the place in +disgust, when a well-known countenance appeared in the doorway, and +Dennis Coogan came in.</p> + +<p>"Coogan was Major Cragiemuir's factotum, and Ah Moy, who had spent many +a weary hour opposite the house in K Street waiting to catch a glance of +Janet Cragiemuir, knew him by sight. Coogan presented a ticket and +demanded his 'wash.' Sam Yen reached feebly for the pink slip of paper, +peered up and down the rows of bundles on the shelves, and finally +announced that the garments were not ready, but would be later in the +day. Coogan then stalked out, stating that he would call again at five +o'clock, sternly warning Sam not to disappoint him. Coogan aped the +Major to the life, and Ah Moy, recognizing the caricature, hated him +heartily for it. Yet, the Chinaman, sitting behind the counter, with his +eyes nearly closed, paid but scanty attention to the customer; but when +Coogan left, a look of supreme cunning flitted over his wooden face. He +was silent for a few moments, and then, to the surprise and delight of +Yen, volunteered to remain and complete the day's work, urging the sick +man to turn in until he felt better. Sam Yen gladly accepted the offer +of his kindly disposed countryman, and Ah Moy hurriedly left for his own +laundry to get, he said, a very superior polishing iron, promising to +return in a few moments. When he found himself on Pennsylvania Avenue +near Four-and-a-half Street he entered the tea, spice, and curio +emporium of Quong Lee.</p> + +<p>"Quong Lee was not only a shrewd merchant, but a skilful chemist as +well, and was regarded with deep reverence and esteem by his fellows. +The eminent man, had he been a trifle taller, would have readily been +taken for the great Li Hung Chang, spectacles and all; and it was owing +as much to this wonderful resemblance as to his wisdom and learning that +Chinatown groveled at his feet. He received Ah Moy effusively when the +latter, breathless and excited, burst into the stuffy little room at the +rear of the shop.</p> + +<p>"'Welcome, thrice welcome, oh, Beautiful One,' said Quong Lee (not in +English, but in the liquid dialect of the Shansi region). 'It fills my +heart with joy to see you. Why have you thus deserted the lifelong +friend of your father?'</p> + +<p>"Ah Moy smiled sardonically, for he had parted from Quong Lee but at +sunrise that morning, after a warm discussion over some of the nicer +points of the game, and the old man's query appealed very strongly to +his by no means undeveloped sense of humor.</p> + +<p>"'Most excellent and revered sage,' replied Ah Moy dryly, 'pardon the +unheard-of negligence, and generously deign to overlook the +thoughtlessness of your sorrowing servant—do that; and, Quong Lee, you +must help me! Quickly! Quickly! I want a poison such as you can easily +distil. A mixture so deadly that the slightest contact with it is fatal! +Give me that, I pray you, and let me go. Hurry! Hurry! I am in haste!'</p> + +<p>"'You ask much of me, Ah Moy, after your harsh, ill-timed words of the +morning,' remarked Quong Lee coldly.</p> + +<p>"'Forget them, O Munificent; forget them,' said Ah Moy, deeply +contrite. 'Carried away by excitement, your abject slave considered +but lightly what he then so foolishly said, and now so fervently +regrets—and—and—let's drop this powwow, Quong Lee. I have no time for +it! I tell you, man, I am in a hurry!'</p> + +<p>"Now, Quong Lee, while wholly in Ah Moy's power, and quite well aware of +it, exacted from all of his countrymen a certain amount of deference, +and was loath that his visitor should prove an exception to this +gratifying rule. Ah Moy knew this, but the little farce was becoming +very irksome to him; it took up too much of his always valuable time, +and he intended to forego it in future. Quong Lee, thought he, was a +tiresome old goat who badly needed his whiskers trimmed and his horns +sawed off; and he, Ah Moy, was the man for the job.</p> + +<p>"'I am indeed fortunate,' said Quong Lee, ignoring Ah Moy's concluding +remark, 'tremendously lucky, in fact, for I think I have in my +laboratory just what you desire. Yes, I am sure of it. I will get it +without further delay.' He took down a lighted lantern from the wall, +and lifting a trap door at the end of the room, plunged into the +darkness. From the opening nasty, suffocating smells arose, and Ah Moy +was driven out to the shop, where he impatiently awaited his learned +friend. That worthy soon reappeared, and paying no attention whatever to +the odors, beckoned Ah Moy into the room. Ah Moy approached gingerly.</p> + +<p>"'My beloved child,' said Quong Lee, exhibiting the regulation tiny +phial of romance containing a few drops of a white liquid, 'here is a +poison ten-fold more subtle and deadly than that ejected from the fangs +of the cruel serpent of the plain. The merest scratch from a weapon +dipped in it will effect instant death. The victim curls up as a tender +leaf in the midday sun. Yet it may be taken into the stomach with +impunity. Strange, is it not? The minute quantity that you see here is +all that I possess, and I shall feel honored if you will accept it. +But,' he added, clutching Ah Moy by the wrist, 'should trouble come, +remember that I—Quong Lee——'</p> + +<p>"'Trust me for that, venerable Uncle of the Moon; your name shall not be +breathed in the matter, whatever happens. Ah Moy is not the man to bring +misfortune upon the lifelong friend of his father,' and the fiendish +chuckle which accompanied this remark filled the merchant-chemist with +alarm.</p> + +<p>"'A million thanks, O Illustrious,' continued Ah Moy, pocketing the +phial. 'I shall never forget your generosity. In good time I shall +repay. Ah Moy will not prove ungrateful. Pardon this brief visit, O +revered wearer of the crimson blouse. We meet again to-night. Bathed in +the glow of thy approving smile, I leave thee. We meet again to-night, +to-night. For the present, farewell. And I say, old 'un, you were dead +wrong about that last game. You get a little dippy toward morning, don't +you? Most old folks do. Ta, ta.' He glided out, slamming the door behind +him.</p> + +<p>"Quong Lee followed his guest to the street, and watched his retreating +figure until lost to sight.</p> + +<p>"'Curse him! Curse him!' hissed the old man vindictively. 'May the gods +destroy him! And Quong Lee will aid them! Give me but the chance; oh, +give me but the chance!' And he crossed his fingers.</p> + +<p>"The subject of this cheerful soliloquy returned without delay to Sam +Yen's, who welcomed him with a wan smile, and after explaining some +minor details of the work, crept off to his cot. Ah Moy immediately +began his self-imposed task, and worked with a will, crooning the while +a quaint Celestial air. It was ironing day at Sam Yen's, and the new +hand did not object particularly to that part of the process. By a +quarter after four he had completed the job, and surveyed with much +satisfaction the neat bundles, duly ranged on the shelves.</p> + +<p>"Dennis Coogan arrived at dusk, and throwing down his ticket and some +small change on the counter, walked off with his parcel, mumbling +something uncomplimentary about the dirty haythin' who kept honest folks +waitin' for their clothin'. Later in the evening Sam Yen appeared, much +refreshed, and relieved his kind assistant. Ah Moy then left, cutting +short the thanks of his countryman.</p> + +<p>"Honesty is the best policy, and it is to be regretted that this astute +maxim had not been more thoroughly kneaded into the moral make-up of Mr. +Dennis Coogan. Arriving at the house in K Street, Coogan, sneaking +through a side entrance and across the yard at the rear, took his +master's clothing up to his own little room over the stables, where he +carefully selected such articles as seemed to strike his fancy. It was +the night of the coachmen's ball, and Dennis did not propose to be +eclipsed at that event by any Jehu who ever handled the ribbons. So +there in readiness lay the hired dress-suit, the Major's gleaming linen, +and the other necessaries of evening attire. Coogan leisurely donned the +unaccustomed plumage, paying as much attention to his toilet as a +debutante when arraying herself for her first cotillion. After +struggling into a remarkably obstinate shirt he selected the highest +collar he could find, put it on, and admiringly surveyed the general +effect in a cracked mirror, turning his head this way and that as he did +so. Suddenly, with a gasping cry, he lurched forward, and fell heavily +to the floor.</p> + +<p>"Great was the horror and distress in the Cragiemuir household the next +morning when the shockingly discolored body of the ill-fated Coogan was +found. Major Cragiemuir, who was attached to the man, was sorely grieved +by his death; and as there were no relatives to claim the body had the +poor fellow buried from the K Street house, which was closed until after +the funeral. The family physician and his confreres who examined the +corpse were puzzled for some time as to the cause of Coogan's death. +Cases of this sort, they solemnly declared, while not unknown to the +profession, were yet extremely rare; and the long scientific name which +was inscribed on the register at the health office as the disease that +carried off Dennis Coogan had certainly never been seen there before. +The slight scratch under the chin made by one of the sharp points of the +collar was quite unnoticed in the rigid inspection to which the body was +subjected.</p> + +<p>"On the evening following the untimely death of Dennis Coogan, impelled +by a curiosity which he could not resist, Ah Moy sought out the +fashionable neighborhood where the Cragiemuirs resided, and found, as he +had scarcely dared hope, the mansion closed and the badge of mourning on +the door. He saw a dim light burning in the front parlor, and in his +excited fancy could see the still form of the hated Major reposing in +the satin-lined casket beneath the flickering gas jets. The Chinaman +laughed aloud, and then a look of supreme terror came into his face, for +he thought he saw a menacing figure leave the house, and with clenched +fists start over to him.</p> + +<p>"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs165" id="gs165"></a> +<img src="images/gs165.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"He finally took refuge from his imaginary pursuer at Wo Hong's. Here he +drank repeatedly a fiery liquor which the proprietor, serenely +untroubled by the revenue laws, dispensed to his pals for a trifle. When +Ah Moy staggered into his den several hours later, Quong Lee, who had +arrived on the scene, noted with much satisfaction the ghastly +appearance of his friend.</p> + +<p>"'If he keeps this up for any length of time,' thought the learned man, +'I shall be spared the performance of a very unpleasant act. Murder is +not in my line—now—anyway. It is trying work for an old man like +me—and the police forever at one's heels!'</p> + +<p>"Leaving his associates in charge of the tables, Ah Moy wearily sought +the adjoining room, a filthy, ill-lighted apartment, with rows of bunks +along its sides. Opening a cupboard he drew forth a pipe and a small jar +of opium. His stained fingers trembled violently as he rolled a much +larger pill than usual and placed it in the bowl of his pipe. He had +consumed a frightful quantity of the stuff in the past few days, and his +nerves were in just the condition that required a larger amount than +ever to quiet them.</p> + +<p>"He stretched himself at full length in the nearest bunk and proceeded +to lull the awful fantasies which threatened his reason. With a moan he +buried his face in his pillow; for at the end of the room he saw a grim +phantom whom, he felt sure, the doubly accursed Quong Lee had +maliciously admitted. The old man should pay dearly for this on the +morrow! Ah Moy felt his fingers tightening convulsively around the +throat of the dying Quong Lee; he could hear the croaking in his +victim's wind-pipe, and the gruesome death-rattle! The sounds were all +well known to the Chinaman, and recalled a chain of lurid experiences.</p> + +<p>"'I should have done it before,' he muttered, as in his fancy he kicked +the body aside.</p> + +<p>"He grew calmer. There was a bright gleam of hope in the thought that +with the death of Major Cragiemuir his wooing would be far less +difficult. As to the girl returning his love—bah! Women were not +consulted upon such matters—in China. He smiled, for he felt that his +triumph was assured.</p> + +<p>"Radiant visions came to him. He was floating in space, wafted by +perfumed breezes. Around him were lovely faces dimly outlined in circles +of roseate clouds. Each face was Janet Cragiemuir's, and all smiled most +bewitchingly at him. Showers of white and yellow blossoms fell at +intervals, and the orchestra from the Imperial theatre at Pekin boomed +lazily in the distance.</p> + +<p>"Happy, happy Ah Moy!</p> + +<p>"But the Chinaman, though a hardened smoker, had badly miscalculated +matters, for when Quong Lee came in at daybreak to awaken him the +'Beautiful One' had been dead many hours!"</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Now, Mr. Denmead," said Colonel Manysnifters, turning to another +representative of the press, "it's your turn. Let us have it good and +strong. I have read your East Side Sketches, and like 'em immensely. +Can't you give us a touch of New York in yours?"</p> + +<p>"I'll try," said Denmead modestly, "though it isn't exactly a story. It +was just a passing incident, but it was something that I will not soon +forget. An affair of that kind is apt to make more or less of an +impression on a fellow. Maybe you will agree with me."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI</h2> + +<h3>WHAT HAPPENED TO DENMEAD</h3> + + +<p>"Several years ago I found myself in New York; penniless, weary, and +heartsick. I wandered one morning into a tiny park, mouldering in the +shadow of the huge skyscrapers with which Manhattan is everywhere +defaced. I sank upon a bench, pulled a soiled newspaper from my pocket, +and scanned for the fiftieth time the 'Help Wanted' columns. Work I +wanted of any kind, and work of any kind had eluded my tireless search +for days—ever since my arrival in New York. The benches about me were +filled with bleary, unshaven men; some asleep, others trying hard to +keep awake; each clutching a paper which presently it seemed they might +devour, goat-like, in sheer hunger. The stamp of cruel want convulsed +each hopeless face, and crowsfeet lines of despair lay as a delta +beneath each fishy eye. About us in all directions towered huge +monuments of apoplectic wealth—teeming hives, draining the honey from +each bee, tearing from thousands their best years, their finest +endeavors, their very hearts' blood—all to swell the wealth of a +bloated few! And we, the drones, sat mildewing in the little open space +below!</p> + +<p>"The man next to me, his head hanging over the back of the bench in +ghastly jointlessness, awoke with a snort, stared about him stupidly, +and something like a sob bubbled up from his Adam-appled throat. He +wiped his eyes with the back of a grimy paw, and diving into a greasy +pocket pulled out a short black pipe. Between consoling puffs he jerked +out, 'A man's a damn fool—a damn fool, I say, to come to New York to +look for a job! That's why <i>you</i> are here. Oh, I know. I can tell. +You're a stranger all right; that's easy to see. You look the part.'</p> + +<p>"'That's so,' said I, 'and worse. I am about down and out. Financially, +I stand exactly twenty-one—no—twenty-three cents to the good.'</p> + +<p>"'I am right with you, friend—only more so. I have nothing, absolutely +nothing! You've twenty-three cents, hey? A bad number, that +twenty-three. Give me the odd penny, and perhaps luck'll change for both +of us.' I put the copper into his hand, and in chucking it into his +pocket he dropped it. It rolled out to the center of the walk, and in an +instant not less than a dozen men made a determined rush for it. There +was a desperate struggle; others joined; it became a mad, screaming, +tumbling, sweating mob. Instantly a crowd from outside gathered, and a +free-for-all fight began. Hundreds flocked in from the adjacent streets. +The affair quickly assumed the proportions of a riot. Knives and +revolvers were brought into play. It was every man against his neighbor, +and an unreasoning wave of frenzy and blood seemed to sweep over the +crowd. The police rushed in from all quarters, but their efforts seemed +powerless. My new acquaintance and myself, the innocent cause of all the +trouble, managed to escape from the thick of the fray—he with the loss +of a hat and a bleeding face; and I in much worse shape—physically +sound, but—I had lost my twenty-two cents! We hurriedly entered a dark +canyon which led to wider paths where quiet reigned. The tumult in the +park, sharply accentuated by pistol shots, came to us like the roar of +falling water.</p> + +<p>"'What an astonishing thing!' said my companion. 'And all for a penny—a +bloomin' penny! And to think of the fabulous wealth stored in the midst +of all these tigers! Do you suppose that mere walls of steel and granite +could withstand the fury of such a mob as this great city now holds, +straining at its leash? Horrible things will happen in New York one of +these days, and we will not have long to wait for it either. Discipline +of the crudest sort, and a leader, is all that is needed to start a +great army of destruction in motion!'</p> + +<p>"'But how about the police, the Federal and State troops, supposed to be +in instant readiness?' I urged.</p> + +<p>"'They would count as nothing before the fury of an organized mob. A +portion of the monstrous mountain of wealth stored here in New York City +should be moved to a central, safer point; say St. Louis, Omaha, or even +further west to Denver. It's piling up here is an ever-present menace +and danger. It is a serious problem.'</p> + +<p>"'Quite so,' agreed I; 'but there is a much more serious problem +confronting you and me just at present, and that is a certain sickening +emptiness which makes one weak and giddy. My few coppers stood between +us and—and—well, serious thoughts of the future. I have never begged +nor stolen, and yet——'</p> + +<p>"'Oh, don't bother about that. The thing's easy,' said my friend; 'just +watch me.'</p> + +<p>"A fat, prosperous-looking man approached. His sleek face, garlanded +with mutton-chop whiskers, was creased in smiles. Evidently a broker who +had just 'done' some one, was my sour thought. There were but few on the +street, and the outlook for business was favorable.</p> + +<p>"'Pardon me, friend,' whined my companion, stepping out in front of him, +'but can't you give a fellow a lift? I'm a mechanic by trade, and——'</p> + +<p>"'Oh, cut it out!' said the fat man, leering knowingly. 'I'm on to what +you're going to say. Why don't you fellows vary your song and +dance—just for luck? G'wan. Get out of the way!' And he tried to +side-step us. With a quick glance over his shoulder, my new acquaintance +shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous one. Skyward +the podgy, bejeweled hands, and we deftly went through him, securing his +wallet, watch, scarf-pin, and then stripped his fingers of their +adornment. It was over in a flash, and the fat man on his back by a +dexterous push and go-down which the Japs might add with advantage to +their much-vaunted jiu-jitsu.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs174" id="gs174"></a> +<img src="images/gs174.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"—Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the +prosperous one!"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<p>"'Beat it!' urged my companion, and 'beat it' we did; dropping casually +but hurriedly into a corner saloon, then through a side entrance out +into another street. I looked at my friend admiringly.</p> + +<p>"'I suppose there's hell to pay around the corner just now,' said he +coolly; 'but we are as safe here as if we were in Jersey City—and +safer. Still, it won't do to linger. Come this way,' and he led me into +a lunch-room of the baser sort.</p> + +<p>"'Sit here, at this table, and I will eat at the counter. We had best +not be seen together, though they would never look for us here.' I gazed +at him in amazement. My bearded friend had become smooth-shaven! His +neck, but a moment before collarless, was now surrounded by a high +white-washed wall; he flashed a crimson tie, and somehow his clothes +looked newer and sprucer. Of all the lightning-change acts I have ever +seen, this was certainly the extreme tip of the limit!</p> + +<p>"'What do you think of it?' he asked, grinning, jamming his whiskers +still further into his pocket.</p> + +<p>"'Wonderful!' said I.</p> + +<p>"'Now,' said he confidently, '<i>I</i> am absolutely safe, and I don't think +the stout party saw <i>you</i>. Don't worry. I caught only my reflection in +the little swinish eyes. I saw nothing in the background. What'll you +have to eat? There seems to be enough in the pocket-book—which I ought +to empty and chuck—to buy up several lunch-rooms, with the Waldorf +thrown in for good measure.'</p> + +<p>"'How much?' I asked.</p> + +<p>"'Not now,' he whispered, 'not now. Wait until we get out. The +proprietor is looking at us. Here's coffee, and pie, and sandwiches—ice +cream—oh, anything you like!'</p> + +<p>"We munched in silence and he pushed up a twenty-dollar bill in payment, +much to the surprise of the man behind the counter. The change pocketed, +we strolled out leisurely, picking our teeth with easy nonchalance.</p> + +<p>"'I hated to give that fellow the double cross, but really, old cock, +that is the smallest denomination in the bundle. Wander down to the +Battery with me and we will investigate further.'</p> + +<p>"'You're an Englishman,' I essayed knowingly. 'I am on to the lingo.'</p> + +<p>"'Not on your life!' said he. Born in Newark, New Jersey, deah boy, I +assure you—right back of the gas-house; what? These togs o' mine were +handed out to me by an old pal—a cockney valet—and the accent goes +with 'em, don't ye know?'</p> + +<p>"'I'm on,' said I, sadder but wiser, and then relapsed into reverie.</p> + +<p>"The Battery was thronged as usual, but we found a bench away from +prying eyes.</p> + +<p>"'Gee whiz! Jumping Jerusalem! Julius Caesar! Joe Cannon!' murmured my +friend as he emptied the stuffing of the wallet into his hat. 'Am I +dreaming again? I've often dreamt that I have found a bunch of +money—picking it out of the gutter, usually—dimes, quarters, +halves—bushels of 'em! But this is different—oh, so different! Can it +be real? Am I on the boards again? Can it be only stage mon——? Look +here; isn't this a windfall? Isn't this a monumental rake-off for a +non-profesh? Heaven knows I'm but an amateur in this line—normally an +honest man, with but slightly way-ward tendencies. Whooping +O'Shaughnessy! Just look! Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty +one-hundreds—that's eleven thousand! A sheaf of fifties and twenties, +swelling the total to something like twelve thousand! Hoo-ray! Again I +ask, am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn +over, dearie, and go to sleep again! Twelve thousand plunks! Wouldn't +that everlastingly unsettle you? Well, well, well! Not so bad for a +moment's effort before breakfast, eh? Ain't it simply grand, Mag? I +wonder who and what our friend is, anyway. He wasn't dressed just for +the part of bank messenger, though he had the inside lining, all right! +A pursy old broker, I guess. Might have been a book-maker—you never can +tell. Anyhow, I am sort o' sorry for the chap. It would break <i>me</i> all +up if I lost a wad of that size! Who is he? Hell, what a fool I am! Here +is the name on the flap of the wallet.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>ABNER MCNAMEE,</p> + +<p>24 Broadway, New York.</p></div> + +<p>"'Abner McNamee! Abner McNamee!! Abner Mac——! Ain't this the limit! +Abner McNamee! We can't take this money! Just my damned, hydra-headed +luck! You hear me? It has always been that way with me—all my life! We +can't take this money, pardner! It's got to be returned! This money's +all got to go back—every cent of it! Ain't it a shame? Abner McNamee! I +oughter have known him at the time, but I only saw him once, and that +was years ago. He has taken on a lot of flesh since then. Abner McNamee! +Who'd 'a' thought it?'</p> + +<p>"'Who the devil is Abner McNamee?' I asked, scenting treachery. This was +a share and share alike affair, and no crooked work, and—I needed the +money! 'What's the game—this McNamee business? Do you think I am a +fool?'</p> + +<p>"'Look here, pal,' said my companion quietly, 'say bye-bye to your +dirigible and drop to the ground. You're all up in the air. Of course we +are together in this thing. I've no thought of doing you. I know you can +make trouble if you want to. You could turn me over to the first cop +that heaves in sight, and there's one over there now—why don't you do +it? Of course <i>I</i> would have something to say in that event, and then +there would be <i>two</i> of us in trouble; and with Abner confronting the +pair, the odds would be all in my favor. He'd never recognize <i>me</i>! No, +sir! But what's the use of hot-airing like this? Be good, now, and +listen to me. We can't, can't, can't keep this money! Do you hear? Now +let it filter through your make-up—slowly at first, and then as fast as +you like. Honest, pal, we've got to give it back!'</p> + +<p>"'Why?' I asked, still skeptical.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, what's the use of your going on like that? You worry me with your +fool questions! Here, take it all and accept the responsibility, and I +will leave you! Here—take it! Take it, you idiot!'</p> + +<p>"Somehow, I hesitated—held back by Heaven knows what.</p> + +<p>"'No,' said he, returning the wallet to his pocket, 'I thought not! You +know a thing or two after all. You haven't lost your mind. Looks are +deceptive sometimes.' I instantly regretted my indecision.</p> + +<p>"'What's the matter with the money?' I asked. 'I was just kidding you. +Give it to me. Hand it over. I will take it.'</p> + +<p>"'Never-r-r! Never-r-r!' he whispered mysteriously. 'This money belongs +to THE CAUSE!'</p> + +<p>"'Oh, come off!' said I with a foxy wink. Don't you think because I am a +countryman I gambol exclusively on the green. I am not altogether to the +emerald by a pailful! I've got you where I want you, and you know it! +Quit your fooling and hand over the wallet! There's a cop over there +now,' I added meaningly.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, over there—I see him,' said my companion slowly. 'A cop—a very +necessary evil, highly ornamental cops are, and occasionally useful. Now +kindly look over <i>this</i> way, deah boy, and you'll see two more of 'em.'</p> + +<p>"I looked, and then——WOW! (The Milky Way.)</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"They took me to Bellevue, and three days later I found myself echoing, +'Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty one-hundreds—that's eleven +thousand. A sheaf of fifties and twenties, swelling the total to +something like twelve thousand! Hooray! Am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll +stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn over, dearie, and go to sleep +again! Twelve thousand plunks. Well, well, well! Not so bad for a +moment's effort before breakfast, eh?'</p> + +<p>"And my nurse smiled wearily."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"That New York is a fearful and wonderful place," said Colonel +Manysnifters gravely. "I will never forget the first time I went there +as a young man. Why, I didn't get any sleep at all! The first night I +was there I turned in about two-thirty, took off my clothes, and got in +bed; but it seemed sort of foolish and wasteful. Sleep in New York? +Well, hardly. I argued that I could do that at home—and me paying three +dollars a day! So I got right up, dressed, and started out to see the +sights. It was about three o'clock then, and there wasn't any one around +but the night clerk and myself. I asked him if he couldn't lock up the +house and go out with me for a little while. He smiled, and said that he +would like to do it, but he was afraid the boss might kick; so we had a +drink together, and I went by myself. I was a green boy then and didn't +know any better, but I am on to the little old town now, all right! They +all know me up there. As soon as I get off the ferry, perfect strangers +come up, call me by name, shake hands, and slip me a card. I don't mean +to brag, but I know the location of every poolroom in the city! I have a +friend in New York who writes the dramatic criticisms for the +moving-picture shows; he puts me in touch with the theatrical and +newspaper element, and I have seen some high old times up there, I tell +you! One night—but, hold on—I've had my inning, Mr. O'Brien is at the +bat, I think."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs183" id="gs183"></a> +<img src="images/gs183.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"—Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving picture +shows."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<p>Mr. O'Brien blushingly admitted the charge.</p> + +<p>"This is the first time I ever spoke in public," said the young man +modestly, "and I crave your indulgence. If you don't mind, I will tell +you about Judge Waddington and myself at Atlantic City last summer. +Every one in Washington knows the Judge, and hopes that some day +Congress will take up his claim and adjust it satisfactorily. The old +gentleman is about all in, but we are doing what we can for him."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>XII</h2> + +<h3>O'BRIEN'S NARRATIVE</h3> + + +<p>"I met him on the Boardwalk, and asked him where he was stopping.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, a nice, home-like place—right over there,' indicating its +position by a careless wave of the hand; 'nice place, quiet, no music at +meals, or that sort of thing. Good cooking, no dogs or children. I came +down here to rest. None of the glare and glitter of the Boardwalk hotels +for me; no, sir!'</p> + +<p>"'What's the name of your place?' I asked.</p> + +<p>"'Hasn't any name—just a private cottage; old Southern family, one or +two paying guests, you know. They have been coming here for years; never +took boarders before, but the head of the house was caught in the +Knicknack Trust affair last fall. Funny how many were hurt by that +bust-up. Nearly all the boys down in Washington say they were stung. As +I remarked, old man Montgomery is rather hard up just now; but proud, +dev'lish proud, sir. I consider it a privilege to be taken in. They have +rented the cottage next door for their guests. Every convenience.'</p> + +<p>"All very fine, but the Judge avoided my direct gaze. Seaward he turned +a shifty eye, and I knew that he was lying. He looked depressed and down +at the heel, and bore the signs of recent illness. I led him, +unresisting to the nearest café, and properly stimulated, he told me +that the Washington summer had proven too much for him, that the boys +had kindly advanced the wherewithal for a two weeks' stay at the shore, +and that he had been very sick, but already felt like a new man.</p> + +<p>"I ordered another.</p> + +<p>"'While I am very snugly fixed down here, Patsy,' said he +confidentially, 'I must confess I was a little disappointed in the +location of the cottage. From the picture on the letter-head the waves +seemed to be curling under the Boardwalk onto the lower steps of the +front porch. Every room with a sea view, and no mosquitos, the circular +said. But the printer evidently got hold of the wrong form. We are a +durn sight nearer Atlantic Avenue than the Atlantic Ocean!'</p> + +<p>"'Regularly buncoed, eh?' I ventured.</p> + +<p>"'As a matter of proximity to the sea, yes. But I am sure the +Montgomerys are not a party to the deceit. They took the printed matter +along with the new cottage, I reckon. How long will you be down, Patsy?'</p> + +<p>"'Just the week-end, sir. My, but look over there!' Our eyes were glued +on the entrance. Framed in the doorway, with the glare of the white +street as a background, stood one of the finest examples of the early +Gothic I have ever seen. She gazed haughtily about the room, and at the +waiters who rushed to her side. She selected the table next to ours, and +dropped into a seat, her attenuated form sharply at right angles, like a +half-closed jack-knife. With long bony fingers glistening with rings she +raised her veil, and opening a chatelaine bag, pulled out a +handkerchief, smelling salts, and a gold-meshed purse. Then, with a +murmured order to the waiter, she settled herself comfortably, and with +an imperial uplift of the pointed chin the foxy face swung slowly around +to us and settled with a grimace of recognition upon the Judge. My old +friend reddened, and moved about uneasily.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs187" id="gs187"></a> +<img src="images/gs187.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Framed in the doorway ... stood one of the finest +examples of the early Gothic I have ever seen."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<p>"'Pardon me a moment,' said he, rising and starting over to her.</p> + +<p>"'Why, Judge Waddington, what a delightful thurprise,' shrilled the lady +of peroxide in a voice that carried all over the room and back as far as +the bar.</p> + +<p>"'When did you come down? Thith ith thertainly fine.' The judge mumbled +something which I did not catch—it sounded like 'Oh, hell!'</p> + +<p>"'Here, Patrick,' he said, without enthusiasm, 'I want you to meet a +friend of mine.'</p> + +<p>"An introduction to Miss Clarice de Dear, who had appeared in the +original Black Crook company with Lydia Thompson, was no every-day +occurrence in my hum-drum existence, and I was perhaps visibly affected. +She overlooked it, and greeted me with girlish enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"'Tho glad,' she lisped, 'to meet any friend of the dear Judge's, and +ethpethially you. I have heard tho much about you.' I wondered what in +the devil she had heard. 'I've known Judge Waddington ever since I was a +little tot.'</p> + +<p>"'And not so long, either,' said the Judge gallantly—and grimly. The +fair one shot a curious glance at him, and smiled a smile, sour in its +exceeding sweetness.</p> + +<p>"'I have often heard the Judge mention your name. 'Twath only the other +night he thaid——What will I have? nothing, thanks, I have just +ordered.' But she joined us later, and still later, when the +conversation became general; that is, we all tried to talk at once.</p> + +<p>"From the Judge's attitude I gathered that he was commencing to +celebrate the birthday of some famous man or the anniversary of a great +battle. He never drank otherwise. To-day, he informed me, he was tanking +up in honor of Bolivar, the great South American Liberator.</p> + +<p>"'Ah, Bolivar! Great man, Bolivar! Waiter!'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, sir!'</p> + +<p>"'The same!'</p> + +<p>"From Miss de Dear, 'midst smiles and tears, I gleaned that she had once +adorned the stage, pursued always by the jealousy of her less-talented +sisters. Heaven knows she couldn't help the gifts of Nature which had +come to her through no effort of her own—her birthright. The de Dears +were all that way, as far back as Sir Something-or-the-other de Dear who +came over with the Conqueror—and her mother's first cousin went to the +Philadelphia Assembly—how could she help it? <i>Noblesse Oblige!</i> All the +girls were jealous—the cats! Anyhow, she had quit the scene of her +early triumphs, lured by the attractive offer of a vaudeville manager. +In this new field she appeared for a short time; but when on the roof +they put her on the programme sandwiched between a troup of performing +dogs and a bunch of bum acrobats—she kicked! Any self-respecting +artiste would have done the same! I agreed with her. She, too, like the +Montgomerys, and other noble families, had been caught in the Knicknack +disaster, and her savings swept away; and rather than be dependent upon +the bounty of an immensely wealthy English aunt, she had consented to +represent a great New York publishing house.</p> + +<p>"'The World's Famous Fat Men,' twenty volumes; cloth, levant, or +half-calf; ten dollars down, and a dollar a month far into the hazy +future. Of course this was hardly the place to talk business, she said, +but I had her card and knew where to find her. Every one should have the +work. All the best people in New York, Philadelphia, Sioux City, and +other places were putting it into their libraries, and so on, and so on.</p> + +<p>"This flotsam and jetsam of her talk came to me from time to time as +confidential asides from the main flow of palaver which rolled along +steadily toward the Judge. The Judge, poor fellow, showed plainly the +effects of the struggle; so much so, that I suggested a stroll up the +Boardwalk.</p> + +<p>"We arose with an effort, and went out to meet the bracing air.</p> + +<p>"'Ah, the thea, the thea; the dear, dear thea! Always tho—er—wet and +rethleth. I inherit a love for the water from my father's great uncle +who was an Admiral in the British Navy.' As this was the first +intimation Miss de Dear had given as to a fondness for water, except on +the side, I felt that living and learning were synonymous terms. So, +perhaps, did the Judge, who said, apropos of nothing in particular, +'When I was in California in fifty-nine, I saw a snake over forty-seven +feet long. The onery rascal wouldn't coil up, and they had to carry him +from place to place on flat cars. Now what do you think of <i>that</i>?' Miss +de Dear gazed dreamily out at the tossing waves, and said nothing, while +I caught hold of the Judge's elbow to steady him. Plainly the +celebration was on.</p> + +<p>"'My dear, dear Patsy,' he said affectionately.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, I tell you what let'h do,' said the maiden impulsively; 'let'h go +and have our fortunes told. I am dying to have mine told. Last night I +dreamt for the third time that Aunt Genevieve had died and left me all +her money. Maybe there is something in it. The palm of my left hand has +been itching all day.'</p> + +<p>"So to the fortune-teller's we went.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs193" id="gs193"></a> +<img src="images/gs193.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>Professor Habib.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + +<p>"Professor Habib was a Parsee, with features Irish in their intensity. +As I gazed at him I thought of the far-reaching kinship of man. Here was +a Fire-worshipper out of Persia, who for all the world looked like my +brother Mick; and God knows Mick's no Parsee! Habib wore his native +costume with a little red fez on top.</p> + +<p>"'Be seated,' he said courteously; again reminding me of Mick.</p> + +<p>"'Which one first?' he asked, pointing to a little inner room curtained +from view. The Judge suggested genially that we all go in together, but +the professor explained that one at a time was his invariable rule.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, all right, all right,' said the judge, somewhat miffed; 'far be it +from me to—to——'</p> + +<p>"'Ladies first,' said I.</p> + +<p>"''Tis well,' said the professor, with a salaam; and the pair +disappeared behind the draperies.</p> + +<p>"'I wonder how long they are going to stay,' said the Judge, after we +had waited some fifteen minutes. The conversation behind the arras, at +first low and murmuring, was becoming animated. I distinctly heard the +Parsee say, 'Who are the blaggards ye've brought here wid ye?' followed +by an unintelligible reply.</p> + +<p>"'What did he say?' queried the Judge, looking up sharply.</p> + +<p>"'I don't understand Parsee, sir,' said I.</p> + +<p>"'That was no foreign tongue; that was American—with a brogue. I don't +like that. Let's hurry them up. I say, what time is it?'</p> + +<p>"We reached for our watches. They were gone! Instinctively I felt for my +wallet. Gone! My scarf-pin. Gone!</p> + +<p>"We made a wild rush for the little inner room.</p> + +<p>"Miss de Dear? Gone! And the Parsee? Gone!</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Later, when we had made our report to the police, and I was guiding the +Judge home, I asked:</p> + +<p>"Who is this de Dear? Where did you know her?"</p> + +<p>"'Never laid eyes on her before!' growled the Judge."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Another 'Jewel'!" said Colonel Manysnifters. "You find them +everywhere."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a>XIII</h2> + +<h3>AN UNINVITED GUEST</h3> + + +<p>In the lull following Mr. O'Brien's story the conductor and porter went +hurriedly through the car out to the rear platform; where, it seems, +they had been summoned by the brakeman. They quickly reappeared with as +bedraggled and woebegone a specimen of humanity as it has ever been my +misfortune to see. An unwashed, evil-smelling, half-frozen Hobo was +dragged into the car, to our utter amazement!</p> + +<p>"Hold on a minute, conductor," said Colonel Manysnifters, as they were +rushing the captive through. "What have you here? Where did you get him? +Who are you, sir?" asked he of the tramp. "Who are you, I say, and what +are you doing on this strictly private outfit?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs197" id="gs197"></a> +<img src="images/gs197.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>An uninvited guest.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<p>The tramp, quite unabashed, blew upon his fingers to warm them, picked +up a cigar stump from the floor, lighted it, and looking around the +group said courteously, though with a bored expression:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, I got on your train about the time you did, though hardly in +the same way. A ride on the trucks and brakebeams, while exhilarating in +the extreme at the outset, soon becomes wearying and nerve-racking, so +at the last water tank I made bold to take up my quarters on the rear +platform, with an occasional climb to the roof for observation and +change. But, my, it is cold out there! If it hadn't been for my friend +here," exhibiting a flask, "I would have frozen to death. Alas, poor +fellow, he is empty now!" and he held it up to the light.</p> + +<p>"It grew very dark and bitter as the night wore on; then the blizzard +caught us; but even in spite of that, I fell into a doze, to be rudely +awakened by this fellow—but what can you expect from a person of that +kind?" Here the brakeman gave a scornful grunt, and the conductor smiled +broadly.</p> + +<p>"After all," the tramp continued affably, between cigar puffs, "their +lot is a hard one, and it is not for me to cast the first stone. So here +I am, gentlemen, right with you, and my fate is quite in your hands." +This with a magnificent wave of a grimy paw, and something approaching a +curtsy.</p> + +<p>"You should get down on your knees, fellow, and thank this brakeman. He +undoubtedly saved your life. It would have been your last sleep if he +had not come along! Where is your gratitude?" asked Senator Pennypacker +severely.</p> + +<p>"You may be right, sir," said the tramp politely. "I don't dispute your +word. I <i>ought</i> to be friendly with that fellow, as I see he is a +brother of mine. He belongs to my order. I can tell by his +watch-charm—that square bit of enamel with the rising sun in the +middle, and the letters 'I. O. U.' in red, white, and blue, around it. +Yes, he is O. K. I have been a member of many fraternities, and in +better days I was the keeper of the 'Hoot Mon' in our local Caledonian +club. Brother, accept my thanks. Perhaps some of these days I may be +able to repay you with something more substantial." The brakeman +laughed, and by this time we were all in a melting mood. Senator Bull +reached instinctively into his trousers pocket, and Mr. Ridley did the +same.</p> + +<p>"Just a moment, gentlemen, just a moment," said Colonel Manysnifters. +"Now, sir," said he to the tramp, "we have been telling stories here +to-night—some of them fair, some pretty bad. Let us hear what you can +do in that line. We will give you a chance. If you don't make good we +will put you off at the next station and turn you over to the +authorities. Captain," to the conductor, "and you, President Madison, +take our friend into the next car, give him something to eat and drink, +wash him up a bit—several bits—and let him come back here and do his +best."</p> + +<p>"Sir, I thank you," said the tramp with dignity. "Your idea is a great +and noble one. My stomach is so empty that it hangs about me in folds. +You have all doubtless seen a balloon awaiting the kindly offices of the +gas-man—that's me. But it will soon be remedied. Adieu for the +present." He left us, with the conductor in the lead and the grinning +darky at his heels.</p> + +<p>"The nerve of those hoboes is something astonishing," said Colonel +Manysnifters, walking up and down, and filling the car with smoke in +order to cover up all traces of our visitor. I'll bet a thousand dollars +that that fellow had as good a chance at the start as any of us,—just +threw himself away,—whiskey, I suppose, or women, or the platers—the +combination more likely. Did you ever see such eyes?—like two burnt +holes in a blanket!"</p> + +<p>"Yet he has the manners of a gentleman, and seems to have had some +education," said Van Rensselaer. "Did you notice his small hands and +rather classic profile? Bathed, shaven, manicured, and properly clothed, +he would be much like the rest of us—externally so, at least."</p> + +<p>"May have been born a gentleman," observed the Colonel, "but he seems to +have outgrown it. A college man, too, no doubt; but what does that +signify? I have a friend who spent about six thousand simoleons on his +son's education, and at the end of three years all the boy had learned +was to wear baggy pants, sport a cane, and yell 'Raw! Raw! Raw!'—very +appropriately—upon the slightest provocation. The kind of chap you will +find dashing through the streets in a forty horse-power automobile with +a hundred fool-power chauffeur in charge. As to the modern young woman, +all the education <i>she</i> wants is to be able to write love-letters!</p> + +<p>"But our visitor is certainly an individual of strong personality!" +grunted Colonel Manysnifters, continuing to blow smoke into all parts of +the car. "Whew! Open the window back of you, Ridley. It is hard to +realize that he has left us! He was certainly not 'born to blush unseen, +nor waste his sweetness on the desert air,' eh?"</p> + +<p>"The tramp problem is becoming a serious one," said Senator Pennypacker +ponderously. "The great army of the unemployed is steadily increasing. +In New York City alone, on October the first of last year, there were no +less than—just a second. I have the data in my bag. I will read you +some figures that will astonish you."</p> + +<p>The Senator arose to get his bag. Faint groans were heard as he left us. +Senators Bull, Wendell, Baker, several Representatives, and the +gentlemen of the press arose as one man and rushed to the button. +President Madison appeared and took the orders. Then Pennypacker +returned with a look of determination on his face, and for fifteen +minutes or more we were regaled with facts, figures, and statistics, all +tending to prove that crime and wretchedness were on the increase +throughout the country; that we were a degenerate people; and other +equally cheerful information.</p> + +<p>The hobo's return was hailed with joy. He was vastly improved in +appearance, and fairly radiated contentment. He sank into the seat that +Colonel Manysnifters had thoughtfully placed for him,—somewhat apart +from the rest,—with a murmur of satisfaction not unlike the loud +purring of a cat. Senator Bull pushed the cigars in his direction, and +Van Rensselaer was equally assiduous with the whiskey and soda. Our +visitor seemed perfectly at home. He drank,—drank deeply,—and wiping +his mouth on his sleeve, drank again.</p> + +<p>"The hair of the goat is certainly good for the butt," said he, smiling, +and displaying a set of marvellously white and regular teeth. "Now, +gentlemen, I am quite ready to fulfil my part of the agreement. If my +little story interests you, you are welcome to it. It was this way.</p> + +<p>"I was a doctor by profession, carpenter by trade, stevedore by +occupation; then came harder times—booze—more booze—despair, illness, +and I found myself discharged from the hospital, down and out—a hobo! +Yet tramp life is not so bad after all. I like it. I like the open-air +existence, the freedom from care and responsibility, and—the hours. I +am much alone, and genius, you know, grows corpulent in solitude.</p> + +<p>"My name is Tippett—Livingstone Tippett. Age, of no special moment. You +know," he said pleasantly, "there are two things all of us lie +about—our ages and our incomes. As this is a true story I will drop the +<i>age</i> question. It is better so.</p> + +<p>"My early life was uneventful. I was brought up by a pious mother in a +quiet, deeply religious home; every influence uplifting and +good-instilling. I was taught, among other things, to regard liquor in +any form with abhorrence, and that drunkenness was the sin of sins. I +was surrounded with every safeguard a loving mother could devise, and it +was not until after her death and my wife's that I took to drink. My +father and grandfather both died drunkards. Heredity, in my case, +overcame both training and environment, and my troubles hurried on the +inevitable.</p> + +<p>"I passed through college unscathed, studied medicine, walked the +hospitals, and began the practice of my profession under the most +favorable auspices. I fell in love with a charming girl, and blessed +with my good mother's approval we were married. Our future seemed +singularly bright and untroubled. Life is a game and I was considerably +ahead of the game. I was certainly playing on velvet.</p> + +<p>"When my Elizabeth and I announced that instead of going abroad we would +spend our honeymoon at 'Raven Hill' our little world thought it quite +absurd. They were charitably inclined, however, and made excuses for us +upon the ground that we were too much absorbed in each other to know +what we were doing. But we did know, nevertheless. Our plans had been +fully matured long before we saw fit to reveal them. To spend a month or +so at Neville Mason's, down in Virginia, appealed very pleasantly to +both of us, and I accepted my old chum's offer with avidity. We were to +have everything to ourselves, with just as many servants as we wanted.</p> + +<p>"We were married. There was a wedding breakfast, flowers, weeping +relatives, old shoes, and a profusion of rice; nothing, in short, was +omitted. A few hours later we left Jersey City on the southbound flyer. +Breaking the journey at Washington, and remaining over night there, we +arrived at the tiny depot near our ultimate destination late on the +evening of the following day. An ancient but still serviceable family +carriage was in waiting, and we were conveyed in state to the mansion.</p> + +<p>"The house at Raven Hill is a huge affair of the Revolutionary period, +with numerous modern additions, which fail entirely to harmonize with +the quaint architecture of the original. The stables and servants' +quarters give the place the appearance of quite a settlement—a survival +of slavery days one sees here and there in the South.</p> + +<p>"We were shown to a suite of sunny rooms in the east wing which had been +especially prepared for us, and soon made ourselves thoroughly at home. +From this agreeable vantage-ground we set out upon many pleasant +expeditions into the countryside, returned the visits of our neighbors, +and attended the chapel at the Crossways in truly rural style. Nothing +amused us as much, though, as the negro servants. To them Elizabeth was +'Honey,' and I, 'Marse Livingstone'; and over at the quarters the little +darkies gave rare exhibitions of dancing for our benefit, while solemn, +gray-haired Uncle Ashby picked a greasy banjo. The men sang in nasal, +but not unmelodious tones, weird, crooning songs, with occasionally an +up-to-date composition which found its way, no doubt, from nearby +Richmond. I shall never forget those happy evenings at Raven Hill; and +in my dreams I often see and hear the negroes as they danced and sang in +the moonlight.</p> + +<p>"There were some good horses in the stables, and we did not spare them. +Our cross-country dashes were most exciting, and the total absence of +fences in the region gave us an apparently limitless expanse over which +to wander. And that reminds me of a never-to-be-forgotten fox hunt which +was attended by riders from all over that section of the country. Half a +dozen foxes were corralled at the 'round-up,' and I could not help +thinking how tame our alleged 'chases' at home appeared by the contrast.</p> + +<p>"One day while roaming about the lower portion of the Raven Hill estate +we stumbled quite by accident into Dark Forest, vaguely hinted at by the +negroes as a place to be avoided. This Dark Forest is a large tract of +scrub oak, birch and holly, with dense undergrowths of briar; the haunt +of innumerable small birds that dart in and out, chirping faintly. In +its depressed portions the 'forest' has degenerated into a marsh through +which a sluggish stream wends it way to the distant river. Slimy +reptiles bask in the warm sun and glide lazily over the black, oozy +soil. At intervals the stillness is broken by the splash of a gigantic +bullfrog returning to his favorite pool. This acrobatic feat is usually +accompanied by a deep-throated cry of satisfaction, not unlike the +twanging of an ill-tuned guitar. On the edges of the marsh mud-covered +terrapins drag themselves through the weeds and disappear with +surprising swiftness when they see an intruder.</p> + +<p>"Through this singular region, and overgrown with rank, sedgy grass, is +a wagon trail, here and there along its winding course several inches +under water; and into this wretched road we turned our horses. After a +half a mile or so we left the marsh and struck into firmer ground. Then +came a sharp bend in the undergrowth, and a clearing, several acres in +extent, burst into view. Here stood a white-washed cabin in the midst of +a little garden enclosed by a paling fence, and tall sunflowers, swaying +to and fro in the breeze, brushed the low-hanging eaves. Flowers grew +everywhere in profusion, and the rude porch at the front of the dwelling +was half buried in a mass of fragrant honey-suckle. White curtains, +gracefully looped, hung at the windows, and there was a charming air of +femininity and comfort about the place. We dismounted, and tied our +horses at the gate. As we approached the cabin an immense cat dozing on +the stoop sprang up hurriedly and darted into the vines. We knocked +repeatedly at the door without response. Finally, some one was heard +approaching, so we walked to the lean-to at the rear, and there saw, +coming up from the spring at the foot of the enclosure, a young and +astonishingly pretty girl. She was not at all startled by seeing us; in +fact, led us to believe from her manner that we were rather expected +than otherwise.</p> + +<p>"'Walk right in,' said the little beauty. 'I reckon you folks must be +pretty well beat out after your long ride in the hot sun. It's a goodish +bit from here to the Hill, ain't it?'</p> + +<p>"'How do you know that we are from the Hill?' I asked in surprise.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, I know,' she replied. 'I saw ye both at the station when ye first +come, and then again at meetin' on Sunday. And you air a bride?' she +added, turning to my wife.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, and a very happy one,' said Elizabeth, placing her hand upon my +shoulder in loving fashion. The child, for she was hardly more than +that, gave an odd little sigh, but quickly brightened up again.</p> + +<p>"'I'm downright glad ye came,' she said heartily. 'I do so like folks to +be neighborly and sociable. Ye ain't stuck up, nuther, like most city +folks; no airs, nor the like o' that. Pap'll be home soon, and he'll be +glad to see ye too!'</p> + +<p>"Then she prepared a nice luncheon in the living-room. The lightest +bread, delicious butter, preserved peaches, and some slices of +marvellous old ham; this, with a stone pitcher of cool, foamy milk, made +life very pleasant to the weary travelers. The girl declined to join us, +but sat near at hand, gazing intently at my wife. No detail of +Elizabeth's attire seemed to escape her.</p> + +<p>"'Oh,' said she, partly to herself, 'what beautiful, beautiful clothes!' +And I registered a vow that she should have just such an outfit as soon +as we went back to New York.</p> + +<p>"'That child, properly dressed, would attract attention anywhere; she +does not look at all bourgeois,' said my wife; and this from Elizabeth, +whose grandmother was a Boston Higglesworth, was a concession indeed.</p> + +<p>"'Do not tell her so,' said I; 'it would certainly spoil her. She <i>is</i> +uncommonly pretty, I'll admit; but unless something unforeseen happens +she will probably marry within her own sphere of life, toil unceasingly, +rear a brood of uncouth bumpkins—a hag at thirty, and thus fulfil her +destiny.'</p> + +<p>"Elizabeth looked exceeding wise, but said nothing.</p> + +<p>"Ailsee came to us at that moment, and I looked at her closely as she +stood in the sunlight, her bonnet dangling from her arm. She was +undeniably beautiful—a dainty little head, crowned with a wealth of +golden-brown hair, sweet hazel eyes, a lovely mouth, and the most +bewitching dimples. There was nothing of the milkmaid style about her, +for she lacked the vivid coloring and tendency to embonpoint of the +typical rustic beauty. I pictured her to myself entering the room at one +of the Bachelors' on the arm of the leader of the cotillion, and the +subsequent sensation and heart-burnings.</p> + +<p>"My reverie was interrupted by a hoarse voice calling, 'Ailsee! +Ailsee!'—seemingly just over in the forest.</p> + +<p>"'Dad wants me,' she said with a smile. 'I'll go and fetch him back with +me. Please you folks wait a moment.' And she tripped lightly down the +garden and out into the wilderness beyond.</p> + +<p>"Ten or fifteen minutes slipped by without the return of either Ailsee +or her father. The footfalls in the forest died away, and the stillness +was becoming oppressive.</p> + +<p>"'Remarkable, truly,' said my wife, with a puzzled expression. 'Where +could she have gone? Do you think her father is keeping her? Dearest,' +she added gravely, 'don't laugh, I feel—I feel—that something dreadful +is going to happen. I don't know exactly what, but——'</p> + +<p>"'Of course you don't know exactly what,' I interrupted. 'Come now, be a +sensible little woman. You surely don't believe in presentiments. It is +the heat; this sticky, Southern heat! I feel a little queer myself.'</p> + +<p>"But nothing I could say quite banished the singular fancy which had +taken possession of my young wife. Womenkind cling tenaciously to absurd +ideas, especially when they are of the worrying kind; and Elizabeth +looked so troubled and sad that I soon caught the feeling and became +melancholy too.</p> + +<p>"It was long past noon and intensely sultry, and we were sitting on the +porch where occasionally the faintest shadow of a breeze made life more +endurable. Our horses, maddened by the flies and heat, chafed and +stamped restlessly out at the gate. Elizabeth tried to amuse herself +with a huge album of daguerreotypes which occupied the place of honor in +the cabin parlor, and I smoked and lounged about, wondering what had +become of Ailsee.</p> + +<p>"'Well,' said I at last, 'we can not wait here forever. If I am not +greatly mistaken there will be a storm before night, and we had better +get out of this at once. We can come down here some other day and renew +our acquaintance with the mysterious child of the forest.' So back +through the marsh we splashed our way, and arrived at Raven Hill barely +in time to escape the storm, which broke with fury just as Uncle Ashby +came around for our mud-bespattered steeds.</p> + +<p>"Elizabeth went upstairs to change her dress and rest before dinner, and +I settled down in the library with the <i>Country Gentleman</i>. There was a +knock at the door, and Uncle Ashby came in.</p> + +<p>"'Marse Livingstone,' he asked huskily, 'whar has you been wif de +horses?'</p> + +<p>"I told him; and during the brief account of our adventures his face +grew ashen and his eyes seemed about to start out of his head. When I +was through he tottered over to the window, muttering, 'Gawd help us! +Gawd help us!'</p> + +<p>"'What's the matter, Uncle Ashby?' I asked curiously. 'What on earth are +you so excited about?'</p> + +<p>"'Boss,' said he entreatingly, 'doan' make me tell you—you'll be sorry +ef you do. 'Deed, Marster, I really mus' go now, sah; dey's waitin' fer +me at de stables. And youse been down dar an' seen it! Oh, Lordy, +Lordy!'</p> + +<p>"'Come back here,' said I, my curiosity getting the better of me. 'Don't +be a fool, old man; brace up. What's the trouble? You are not afraid to +speak out, eh?'</p> + +<p>"'Well, Marse Livingstone, ef I mus' tell you, I 'spose I mus'—thar +doan' 'pear to be no help fer it. But I'd ruther not, boss; 'deed, I'd +ruther not.'</p> + +<p>"'Go on; tell your story,' said I impatiently. 'I guess I can stand it. +Just try me, anyhow.' So in the semi-darkness a marvellous tale was +unfolded to my ears.</p> + +<p>"In the first place, Uncle Ashby solemnly assured me that I had that day +seen a ghost. The flesh-and-blood Ailsee, he declared, had been dead +many years. Her father, Coot Harris, was a rough customer who took up +his abode in the marsh—'mash,' Uncle Tucker called it—at the close of +the Civil War. Here he gained a precarious livelihood by 'pot-hunting'; +for Harris and others of his ilk paid but little attention to the poorly +enforced game laws of the section. Coot Harris, the marshman, had a +daughter, who, as Uncle Ashby contemptuously remarked, 'was peart enuff, +as pore white trash folkses go.'</p> + +<p>"This daughter was named Ailsee. Thwarted by her father in some love +affair with a swain of the neighborhood, she had drowned herself in a +gloomy pool in the very darkest part of the forest. The body was found +shortly afterward and buried in the cottage garden. Harris then left the +country and has never since been heard of. All this, according to Uncle +Ashby, happened twenty years ago. The ghost of the ill-starred Ailsee +had occasionally been seen by the country folk, but always with dire +results. Bad luck, disease, and in some cases death, had been the fate +of those who saw the 'ha'nt.' One man lost his house by fire within +forty-eight hours after the shadowy form crossed his path. The body of +another unfortunate was found floating in the creek; his eyes wide open, +staring horribly. The drowned man had but the day before made known the +fact that he had seen the wraith of the marshman's daughter. Still +another poor fellow had been taken, raving and violent, to the asylum. +Numerous additional instances, equally as harrowing, were cited by Uncle +Ashby, whose fervent belief in all that he said was rather impressive +than otherwise.</p> + +<p>"I listened patiently to the old man until he finished. By that time the +storm had ceased and the sky, suddenly clearing in the west, revealed +the last rays of the setting sun, which brightened the room for a few +moments. I laughed softly when Uncle Ashby went out, and all that I had +heard of the ignorance, credulity, and superstition of the Southern +negro came into my mind. I sat for a while, musing in the gathering +dusk, and then went up to my room.</p> + +<p>"The lamps had not been lighted in that portion of the house, and it was +quite dark. The atmosphere was stifling, as all the windows had been +closed at the approach of the storm. I raised them, and the cool, damp +air, heavy with the odor of jessamine, floated into the room. Elizabeth, +evidently greatly fatigued by the day's exertions, had thrown herself +upon a lounge at the foot of the bed. She was in her dressing-gown, and +her face was framed in masses of wavy brown hair which had become +uncoiled in her restless movements. I hesitated to awaken her, but as +sounds from below indicated the near approach of dinner I called her—at +first softly, and then in louder tones, an indefinable fear stealing +over me as I did so. I approached the couch, and tremblingly placed my +hand upon her forehead.... Ah, God, I cannot tell the rest!</p> + +<p>"Seven years have dragged their weary length along since I lost my dear +young wife and the light of my life was extinguished forever! Now, all +is darkness! darkness!</p> + +<p>"Subsequent investigation, supported by the testimony of well-known and +thoroughly reliable residents of the country, confirmed in every +particular the truth of Uncle Ashby's story. A visit to the marshman's +cottage some days after my wife's death revealed a ruinous mouldering +habitation, in the midst of a wilderness of weeds and vines. A mournful, +desolate spot, shunned and avoided by all for the past twenty years, and +yet had I not seen——" Tippett paused abruptly, with bowed head and +eyes tear-dimmed.</p> + +<p>"Here, old chap, take this," said Colonel Manysnifters, hastily pouring +out and handing him a stiff drink. Tippett, obeying, was somewhat +revived, and continued.</p> + +<p>"I returned to Brooklyn with the body of my wife. My mother followed her +to the grave a few months later. All in the world that was dear to me +was now lost. I took to drink; I sunk lower and lower, dissipated my +little fortune, friends forsook me; and by quick stages in the +descending scale I found myself, as I said before—an outcast! Yet, +through all my troubles I have never entertained the thought of +self-destruction. I have no desire whatever to seek—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No traveler returns,—puzzles the will,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And makes us rather bear those ills we have<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Than to fly to others we know not of.'"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>It was long after midnight when Tippett concluded his story and the +gathering broke up; not, however, before sleeping-quarters had been +found for the unfortunate man, and a promise given by Senator Bull to +put him on his feet again in the far West—an offer gladly accepted in +all sincerity, and a venture which proved highly successful, as most of +the long-headed Senator's usually did.</p> + +<p>Morning brought relief, the track was cleared, and our train proceeded +on its way, arriving at Washington many hours behind schedule; its +occupants but little the worse for their experience—Colonel +Manysnifters, I believe, with a slight headache.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Statesmen Snowbound, by Robert Fitzgerald + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND *** + +***** This file should be named 19966-h.htm or 19966-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/9/6/19966/ + +Produced by Brian Janes, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Statesmen Snowbound + +Author: Robert Fitzgerald + +Illustrator: Wad el Ward + +Release Date: November 30, 2006 [EBook #19966] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND *** + + + + +Produced by Brian Janes, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND + +_By_ ROBERT FITZGERALD + +_Illustrated by Wad-el-Ward_ + +New York and Washington +THE NEALE PUBLISHING COMPANY +1909 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER + + I. The Funeral + + II. Senator Bull and Mr. Ridley--Trials and Tribulations of the + Newly Fledged Member + + III. Colonel Manysnifters--An Outing with the "Jewels" + + IV. An Accident--Dinner + + V. Senator Bull's Story + + VI. Representative Holloway Has the Floor + + VII. Representative Van Rensselaer Unfolds a Strange Tale + + VIII. Senator Wendell Reads "The Creaking of the Stairs" + + IX. Senator Hammond's Experience + + X. Mr. Callahan's Story + + XI. What Happened to Denmead + + XII. O'Brien's Narrative + + XIII. An Uninvited Guest + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +Senator Bull and Sammy Ridley + +President Madison + +Senator Pennypacker + +Colonel Ross Addressing the Jury + +"Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!" + +The Kiss + +Manuel Villasante + +Papa Villasante + +"Upon each stair the clear impression of a naked human foot!" + +"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!" + +"Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous +one!" + +"Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving-picture shows" + +"Framed in the doorway stood one of the finest examples of the early +Gothic I have ever seen" + +Professor Habib + +An Uninvited Guest + + + + +The Statesmen Snowbound + + + + +I + +THE FUNERAL + + +Toward the close of the --th Congress I was designated a member of a +committee on the part of the House to accompany the remains of the late +Senator Thurlow to their last resting-place at the old home in Kentucky. +And it might be well to state here that I am quite aware that some of my +ungrateful countrymen apply the spiteful term "junket" to a journey of +this description. When one considers the sacrifices we Congressmen make +in order to serve the nation, it is hard to believe that unthinking +persons begrudge us a little pleasure. In many cases we give up all home +life, business interests, and personal comfort, and take up our abode in +second-rate hotels and boarding-houses. We are continually pestered and +annoyed by office-seekers, book-agents, cranks, and reporters; and, +alas, we form habits that cling like barnacles, try as hard as we may to +shake them off. A taste of public life is fatal to most men, and the +desire to feed from the public crib goes right to the bone. It is like a +cancer, and it is removed only with grave danger to the afflicted. +Everything, therefore, which may lighten our burdens and tend to relieve +the situation should be the aim and study of our constituents. But this +may be digression. + +The trip out was necessarily a quiet one, though a well-stocked buffet +kept the delegation from absolute depression. Leaving Washington early +in the afternoon we arrived at the little Kentucky town the next morning +about eleven o'clock, and found that we had yet some five miles to go +over bad roads to the homestead. We were met by two nephews of the +deceased, with a host of relatives and friends. The son, Albert Thurlow, +came on with us from Washington. There was ample accommodation in the +way of conveyances, and we proceeded slowly up into the higher country. +In something more than an hour the house was reached--a big home-like +structure, large enough for us all, and the entertainment most lavish. +The estate was an extensive one, and the innumerable outbuildings and +well-stocked barns gave evidence of wealth and thrift. A long drive +between rows of lofty poplars led to the main entrance, and the view +from the front of the house down to the river was superb. There were +servants in abundance, and nothing had been overlooked to insure our +comfort. The stables were the attraction for most of our party, and +several kings of the turf were brought out for inspection. We were taken +all over the place, and many things of interest were shown us. A Bible +and powder-horn, once the property of Daniel Boone, books with the +autograph of Henry Clay, duelling pistols, quaint and almost priceless +silver and china, and a rare collection of old prints and family +portraits. The walls in one room were fairly lined with cups, the +trophies of many a famous meet. + +And such whiskey! There is nothing like it in Washington, or in the +whole world, perhaps. A volume might be written in praise of that +mellow, golden fluid. There were many in our party who would gladly add +to this glowing testimony, and wax eloquent over the virtues of that +noble life-saver and panacea, referred to by our good hosts as "a little +something." Accustomed, as most of us were, to the stuff served over the +Washington bars, this was indeed well worth the trip out. + +Late February is not the time to see rural Kentucky at its best, and but +few signs of spring were visible. The day of the funeral dawned with +leaden skies, and a piercing wind from the north groaned in the +chimneys, and whistled through the leafless trees on the lawn. The +branches of a huge maple scraped and fretted against my windows and woke +me several times during the night. At an early hour a servant was piling +high the fire, and the room was soon bathed in a cheerful glow, the logs +cracking and sputtering merrily. I parted the curtains of my large +old-fashioned bed, slipped to the floor feeling very well and fit, and +glanced curiously about me. Every appointment of the room was long out +of date, but nevertheless made for snugness and comfort. The lover of +antique furniture would surely revel here. I do not know what would +delight him most; the high-post bed, the dressing-table, the chest of +drawers, or the old clock on the mantel. The sheets and hangings smelled +faintly of lavender, the walls were papered with landscapes in which +pretty shepherdesses, impossible sheep, and garlands of roses +predominated,--a style much in vogue in the early forties,--indeed the +room seemed as if it had been closed and laid away by a tidy housewife +years before, and opened and aired for my reception but yesterday. An +illumined text,--a "Jonah under his Gourd," elaborately worked in +colored silks,--a smirking likeness of "The Father of his Country," and +an equally self-satisfied looking portrait of Mrs. W. hung in prominent +places. + +There was a gentle tap on the door, and an ancient darky entered, with a +tall glass of whipped-cream punch, light as a feather, and as delicate +as thought. Then, breakfast, in a long, low-ceilinged room on the ground +floor, with a blazing fire at each end, a pickaninny gravely watchful +over both. Only the male members of the family were at the meal, which +was a solemn festival as befitting a house of mourning. + +At ten o'clock the funeral procession left the mansion and slowly wound +its way along a rough road to a little weather-beaten church a mile or +so distant. It was set well back from the highway in the shadow of tall +pines, and looked lonely and uncared-for. In the churchyard were a few +scattered tombstones, moss-grown, and very much awry. The graves were +unkempt and sunken, and weeds and poison ivy struggled for the mastery. +The day was bitterly cold, with an occasional flurry of snow; but, in +spite of that, an immense crowd had gathered. The church and churchyard +were filled to overflowing. It was the largest collection of queer +looking people, horses, and "fixes" I have ever seen. The services were +brief, but most impressive, and it must have been a trying ordeal for +the aged clergyman, an old friend of the deceased. Several times his +voice faltered, and he seemed about to break down. The coffin was borne +to the grave by six stalwart negroes, laborers on the estate. A lad +followed, leading poor Thurlow's favorite horse. Then the widow and her +son, the relatives, friends, and family servants. A fine male quartet +sang "Nearer, my God, to Thee," and a soul-stirring contralto, "Asleep +in Jesus." Tears stood in the eyes of all, the negroes weeping openly +and uncontrollably. As the grave was filled in, the snow began to fall +in real earnest, gusts of wind lashing the pines into fury. It was the +beginning of a three days' blizzard long to be remembered in that +country. + +Returning to the warmth and comfort of the homestead, we found a vast +array of eatables and drinkables; every one was welcomed, but +notwithstanding the unusual number of guests, all was well-ordered and +decorous. The Thurlows and their numerous clan are a fine-looking folk; +the men, sturdy, well set-up--a fighting people, yet generous, kindly +and hospitable. The women--gracious, lovely, and altogether charming. +Beyond the universally cherished idea of beautiful women, blooded +horses, and blue grass, my knowledge of Kentucky had been rather vague. +My information had been derived chiefly from my experience on various +Election Committees, where moonshiners, mountain feuds, and +double-barrelled shot guns played prominent parts. Commonwealths, like +communities, are advertised most widely by the _evils_ in their midst; a +fact which jolts the reformer and drives the optimist to drink. The +lordly manner of living, the immense estates, and the magnificent +hospitality of our hosts, was a revelation to me; and an occasional +reference by one of the older servants to the grandeur of antebellum +days indicated a condition of even greater splendor and luxury. But the +cruel hand of war had devastated and impoverished the country, the +slaves were freed, and the land for years lay untilled and neglected. +Marse Henry, the head of the house, was killed in almost the first +battle of the war. Marse Breckinridge died, a prisoner in Fort Warren, +and now Marse Preston had followed them to the land of shadows. Uncle +Eph'm, himself, was getting very feeble and helpless, and it would not +be long before he joined his loved ones on the other shore. De good ole +times were gone forever! + +It was with regret that I left this attractive home, and I gladly +accepted an invitation to return in the fall for the shooting. For the +shooting, indeed! Why, _that_ was all over! Dan Cupid never aimed truer! +My wife--a Kentuckian--says that I will never shine as a Nimrod, but it +seems to me that I have had pretty fair success in that role. + + + + +II + +SENATOR BULL AND MR. RIDLEY--TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE NEWLY +FLEDGED MEMBER. + + +Again on the train, our troubles were over, and we pulled out of the +station amid cheers and yells from hundreds of throats--an odd contrast +to the mournful silence of the throng upon our arrival. + +In our party were Senators Baker, of Kentucky; Bull, of Montana; +Wendell, of Massachusetts; Hammond, of Michigan; Pennypacker, of West +Virginia; and Congressmen Holloway, of Illinois; Manysnifters, of +Georgia; Van Rensselaer, of New York; a majority of the Kentucky +delegation, Mr. Ridley, Senator Bull's private secretary, and several +newspaper men. + +Senator Bull is seventy, tall and massive. His features are striking--a +big nose, heavy, grizzled mustache, bushy brows emphasizing eyes blue +and kindly, a wide mouth, tobacco-stained, with a constant movement of +the jaws--bovine, but shrewdly ruminative. A leonine head of shaggy +white hair crowns the whole. Ridley, the private secretary, is about the +same age. He is a ruddy-cheeked, round-paunched little fellow, scarcely +measuring up to the Senator's shoulder. The thin fringe of hair around +his shining pate gives him the appearance of a jolly friar. He peers at +you through gold-rimmed spectacles, and is quite helpless without them. +He has been with Senator Bull for years, serving him faithfully in +various capacities, and is now a partner in the enterprises which have +made the Senator many times a millionaire. The title of "private +secretary" is one of courtesy merely, and seems to highly amuse the two +friends. + +[Illustration: Senator Bull and Sammy Ridley.] + +At nightfall we had left the storm behind us, and were speeding over the +mountains. The sunlight, lingering on the higher peaks, cast great +shadows into the depths beyond. There had been much snow all winter, and +the summits sparkled and shone out dazzlingly, then went pink and +crimson and purple as the radiance slowly faded. The lamps had not been +lighted in the car, and most of us had gathered at the observation end, +impressed by the grandeur of it all, when the silence was broken by Mr. +Ridley. + +"That's a pretty sight, sure! It gives me a kind of solemn feeling all +over. The glory up there makes me think of dying, and heaven, and +angels, and all that," he said gravely. "That patch of light calls to +mind the fellows I know who climb the heights, and when they get near +the top the sunshine of prosperity, or fame, or notoriety, or whatever +you call it, strikes them and it wilts them, and they can't stand it for +long, so they fall back, and you don't hear of them any more. There're +others, though, who get up there and fairly bask in it all, walk around, +lie down, eat and sleep in it. _They_ can stand it, and, my, what big +shadows they throw!" + +"Well, well, well, Sammy Ridley, I never heard you talk like that +before," said Senator Bull; "it must have been that funeral to-day. Got +on your nerves, eh? Some folks are affected like that. Come away from +that window, boy, and get back to earth again." Thus urged, Mr. Ridley +got back to earth again, and took a drink of generous size. Several of +the delegation joined him. The movement seemed a popular one. + +The conversation then turned to the deceased, his many good qualities, +his probable successor in the Senate, and the bearing his death would +have upon the political situation in Kentucky. + +"We will miss him in the Senate," said Senator Wendell; "we will miss +his wise counsel, the broad statesmanlike views, and the kindly +personality that endeared him to us all. Thurlow was a great man, and +the State of Kentucky will no doubt erect a fitting memorial." + +"Yes," said Mr. Ridley, "I suppose they will. They ought to. It may be +some consolation to the family anyhow. But it is an empty sort of thing, +after all, when you come to think of it. A man's life and actions are +his best monument; those who loved him will never forget him, his +enemies will be sorry they spoke, and there will be something _more_ +than appropriate cut on his tombstone--that's certainly all a man should +want. What's the use of waiting for a fellow to die before immortalizing +him in marble or bronze? It is small satisfaction to him personally. Why +not put up a statue while he is living, and let him have the pleasure of +walking past it with his wife and children on a fine Sunday afternoon +when all the folks are out?" + +"There is a rich vein of truth in what you say, Sammy," said Senator +Bull; "but you are alive and well, and it is almost impossible for you +to take a dead man's view of the situation." + +"I don't know but what you are right, Senator," observed Mr. Ridley +thoughtfully, and the group relapsed into silence. + +"You are a Southern man, I believe, Mr. Ridley," said Representative Van +Rensselaer a few minutes later, as they touched glasses. + +"I _was_ one, sir, very much of one; that's why I am limping around now. +I was in the Confederate Army, up to the fall of sixty-three, and then I +was taken prisoner." + +"So you have had a taste of Union prisons, eh?" asked Senator Baker, who +spoke feelingly--his "Recollections of Johnson's Island" had just made +its appearance. + +"Just a leetle might of a taste, Senator; nothing like your experience, +though. You see, it was this way with me. I was captured by a pretty +good sort of a fellow--a big, husky, soft-hearted chap who wouldn't hurt +a flea. That's him over there," pointing to Senator Bull, "and he has +held me prisoner ever since. He ran up against me at Chickamauga." + +"Well?" said Senator Baker expectantly. + +"Tell them the whole story, Sammy," said Senator Bull, as several of the +party drew their chairs up closer to the private secretary; "tell them +the whole story; it will kill time, anyway." + +"Yes," continued Mr. Ridley, "I was taken prisoner, and it all came of +my foolishness and scorn for the enemy. We boys of the --th Arkansas +thought any Johnny Reb could whip five Yanks, and it made us kind of +careless-like, I reckon. I was a raw country lad when the war broke out, +as tough a specimen as ever Jefferson County turned loose on the +unsuspecting public, but I wasn't much worse than the rest of the boys +who loafed around Todd's livery stable swapping lies, chawing tobacco, +and setting the nation to rights. We were all full of fight when the +Sumter news came, and anxious to get in it; and I saw a heap of it, too, +before I made the acquaintance of Nathan Bull. + +"There was some lively skirmishing on the morning of September +twentieth, sixty-three, before the armies got together in earnest. It +was real comical to see the boys tearing up their love-letters and +playing-cards just before going into battle. The roads and fields were +speckled with the scraps just like a snowfall on the stage, as I reckon +all of you have seen in plays like 'Alone in London,' and the 'Banker's +Daughter.' It was in one of those preliminary set-tos that somehow my +company strayed away, and left me up in the woods with a bullet in my +leg. I was looking around for some place where I could lie down and +nurse myself a bit, and at the same time keep clear of the shells and +other things flying around. The air was full of them--making a noise +like 'Whar-izz-yer?' 'Whar-izz-yer?' Haven't you often heard that sound, +Senator? Some poor devil hears it once _too_ often, every now and then, +doesn't he? + +"It was very hot and dusty, and I was plumb crazy for water. Somehow I +managed to work my way out to a big clear space on the side of the hill. +The brush and weeds were up to your neck. At the foot of the hill was a +piece of marshy land where there had once been a spring. It had long +since dried up, but there were patches of greenish water here and there. +I threw myself on the ground, and my, how good that nasty-looking water +tasted! Then I bathed my face and hands in it. I heard a man over to my +right shout out that General Hood had been killed; and in a minute or so +two of our officers dashed out of the timber, coming my way, riding for +dear life, and nearly trampling me. Meanwhile, the battle seemed to be +raging all around me. Most of the heavy fighting that day was done in +the woods, and the losses were big on both sides. Well, I dragged myself +to a little clump of sassafras, not caring much whether I lived or died, +I was that played out, and my leg burning and stinging just as though it +was being touched up with a red-hot poker. I had been there about +fifteen minutes when a blue-coat rose up in front of me--right out of +the ground it seemed--and says, very fierce, 'You're my prisoner!' He +was a young fellow, about my age, and didn't look at all dangerous. I +just wished that leg of mine had been all right, I would have given him +his money's worth, I tell you! But it wasn't any use. I couldn't stir +for the misery. + +"'You're my prisoner,' he says again, louder'n before. + +"'All right,' says I, 'I'm willing,' seeing there wasn't anything else +to say, and putting a free and easy face on it. + +"'Get up, then, and come along with me,' says he. I pointed to my leg, +and tried to grin. He saw the curious way it was lying--all twisted +up--and the big red splotch on my trousers, and says, as if imparting +information, 'You're hurt, man, badly hurt. Keep perfectly still,' which +seemed to be unnecessary, as that was the onliest thing I could do +anyhow. 'I'll get you out of this. Now, brace up,' and he knelt down, +and held out his canteen. I tried to take it, but the effort was too +much for me. 'Poor chap, he's gone,' I heard him say, and then I faded +away. When I came to--a minute later it seemed to me--I was in a Yankee +hospital; a big tent full of men groaning and dying, and doctors running +this way and that with bottles, and bandages, and knives; and the +cussing, and the screaming, and the smells! It makes me sick to think of +it, even now. It was hell! I know you don't want to hear about the time +I spent there, and in another place like it, tossing and groaning +through the long days and nights; and when I got nearly well again, +about my life in prison, and my parole. Nathan fixed that, and I walked +out a free man, limping a little, just as I've done ever since. Nathan +hadn't forgotten the Reb he had taken prisoner, and when I went back to +Pine Bluff, poorer'n a rat, and no prospects to speak of, he gave me my +start in life. He sent me with a letter to his folks in Illinois, and +when I got there they gave me work to do, and treated me like one of +their own. They certainly were white to me. When Nathan came home after +the war, he cal'lated that Illinois was too far east for him, so after a +few years we packed up our duds, and 'migrated out to Montana. There +we've been ever since. That's my story, and it ain't a very startling +one after all, is it?" + +"And it is true--every word of it," said Senator Bull warmly. "Sammy has +stuck by me through thick and thin. I don't believe I could have made +out without him. As a mine boss, store keeper, deputy sheriff, and +Indian fighter, we swear by him out our way. There is a fellow, +gentlemen, who calls a spade a spade, and oftener than not a _damned_ +spade!" + +"Don't take my character away, Nathan," expostulated Mr. Ridley humbly; +"give me a show. I'm an old man now, and all I've got left is my good +name, and a little something in the savings bank. Don't be hard on me." + +"Sammy," continued the Senator, unnoticing, "could have gone to Congress +if he had cared to. The Democrats were after him only year before last. +Their man won out hands down. Sammy declined the nomination. And that's +the only thing I have against Sammy Ridley. He is a Democrat. It's born +in him, just as some folks inherit a taste for liquor, and others come +into the world plumb crazy, and are satisfied to stay that way all their +lives. However, it is not as bad as it seems. They do say out in our +country that the firm of 'Bull and Ridley' is bound to get there, +because when the Republican party is in the saddle, and there's anything +to be had, it's 'Bull and Ridley,' and when the Democrats are on top, +it's 'Ridley and Bull,' and when the Populists come in we are going out +of business. So there may be some truth in it after all. What say you, +Sammy boy?" Mr. Ridley nodded gravely. "In Washington Sammy is invited +everywhere, but society is not his strong point. He won't get in the +swim." + +"I'd rather not be 'in the swim' than swim in dirty water," said the +private secretary brusquely. "But speaking of the Senator; _there_, +friends, is certainly an all-around heavy-weight." + +"Sammy, Sammy," said the Senator reproachfully. "I see you are getting +back at me. I didn't think it of you. No bouquets, if you please. As a +matter of fact, gentlemen, I feel that I am growing beautifully less +every day; I have noticed it ever since I came to Washington. I haven't +been in the Senate long enough to amount to anything, if I ever do. We +new people are only in demand when there is a vote to be taken. We are +put on minor committees, and are thankful for any crumbs that fall from +the great man's table. I am a very small spar in the ship of state. It +takes all the conceit out of a fellow when he finds how little he +amounts to in Washington. He leaves his own part of the world a giant, +puffed up with pride and importance; but the shrinking process begins as +soon as the train rolls out of the home depot. It comes on like an +attack of the ague--you are first hot, then cold, then colder still. You +shiver and shake----" + +"For drinks?" murmured one of the newspaper men absently. + +"Well--yes," replied the Senator, smiling. "I hadn't thought of that. +Very neatly put. Quite true. And, as I say, he shivers and shakes--for +drinks--loses, and loses--pays for them, and by the time he reaches +Washington he and his pocket-book are several sizes below normal." + +The humble attitude of this, one of America's wealthiest and most +influential men, was edifying but scarcely convincing. The newspaper men +looked at one another dubiously. Perhaps, they thought, when the +Senator's magnificent house in the West End was completed, and his wife +and daughters came over from Paris, the poor fellow would not be so +lonely and neglected. He was a fine man, and it seemed too bad that he +should be so side-tracked. + +"Quite true, Senator," agreed Representative Holloway, "and matters are +even worse in the House. There are more of us there, and the mere +individual is more dwarf-like than over in the Senate. We are treated +like a lot of naughty school-boys, and when we meekly beg leave 'to +speak out in meetin'' we are practically told to shut up and sit down. +The new comer is the victim of much quiet hazing on the part of his +colleagues,--ably aided and abetted by the Speaker,--but he soon learns +the ropes, and quickly effaces himself. He reserves his babble for the +cloak-room and hotel lobby; yet, to many of his constituents, he is +still a great man. There is no sadder sight in the world than the +newly-fledged Congressman in the throes of his maiden speech, delivered +to a half-filled House, busily reading the papers, talking, writing, or +absorbed in thought. An official stenographer, right under his nose, +wearily jots down the effort, and the real audience consists of a few +bored friends in the galleries who smile uneasily now and then, and +wonder what it is all about, and how long the blamed thing is going to +last. Anyway, he gets it in the Record for free distribution to +thousands of constituents, who read it, perhaps, and try to imagine why +'Applause' is tagged on to the finish." + +"A gloomy picture, but not overdrawn," sighed one of the Kentucky +delegation. "Here's looking at you, Holloway," he added, more +cheerfully, "here's looking at you." + + + + +III + +COLONEL MANYSNIFTERS--AN OUTING WITH THE "JEWELS" + + +Colonel Manysnifters, who had been quietly smoking a little apart from +the group, now drew up and joined us. He had been imbibing rather freely +since we left the station, but with the exception of a somewhat +suspicious silence, had shown no further effects of his efforts in +behalf of the Whiskey Trust. The Colonel's resemblance to Uncle Sam (as +popularly portrayed) was so striking that children taken to the Capitol +for the first time would shout with glee when he was pointed out to +them. Rural visitors went home satisfied that the country was safe--they +had seen Uncle Sam on hand, sober, and 'tending to business!' A friend +once said to him, "Manysnifters, you look so much like Uncle Sam that +whenever I see you on a jag I feel like this great nation of ours is +going to hell!" + +Georgia is the Colonel's native State, and he is proud of it, but I +imagine that some recent legislation down there has greatly upset him. +He looked rather downcast when I last saw him, and refused nourishment +either in solid or liquid form. And then he said, eyeing me solemnly, +"'Times is right porely down our way, boss. Things don't lap. De +chinquapin crap done gin out 'fore de simmons is ripe!' Now, boy, don't +ask me how things are going in my State. You know as much about it as I +do. Let the old man alone, won't you?" and so I left him. + +"Well, Colonel, how do you feel now?" asked Senator Bull solicitously. + +"Oh, I'm all right," replied the Colonel, suspicion lurking in his +tones. "I know what you think, Senator, but I am not. No, siree! I +_have_ had three or four small ones, but I am not 'lit' by a jugful! The +idea! Drunk on four high-balls! Why, they just clear my brain--drive the +fog out. Maybe it's the Scotch, maybe the soda. A fine combination, the +high-ball. I am as stupid as an owl when I am cold sober, but when I +drink, I soar! I feel like a lark with nothing between myself and the +sun except a little fresh air and exercise. Oh, there's nothing the +matter with me; any one can see that. + +"It's funny how small this world is, and how time flies. I supposed you +all noticed the tall, bald-headed man with the spectacles who ran up and +hugged me to-day. Ain't he the ugly one? His ma certainly did hand his +pa a lemon when he was born. Why, if I had been a long-lost brother he +could not have been gladder to see me. Well, I was glad to see him, too, +but the sight of him called up memories at once humiliating and +smile-provoking. Senator, may I trouble you to depress the business end +of that syphon? Thank you. Now, that fellow's name is Seymour--that's +why he wears specs, I suppose--and he rattles around in the chair of +Applied Science at Jay College, this State. Not much of an institution, +and still less of a job, I imagine, and poor Seymour's salary quite in +keeping. If there ever was any one deserving a Carnegie medal, Seymour +is the chap. He studied medicine once, and graduated high up, but he +never practised his profession! That's saving lives for you. Can you +beat it? + +"Well, Harry was a protege, or something of the sort, of our late friend +Thurlow. And, as I said, I beheld his honest, glowing countenance with +mixed feelings. But it is a long story--a long story----" and the +Colonel paused as if seeking encouragement to proceed. + +It was forthcoming. + +"We would like very much to hear it," said Senator Wendell gravely; +"that is, of course, if it involves no sacrifice of your feelings. We +are all friends here, and will go at once into executive session. Let +all who have a story to tell, an anecdote to relate, or a joke to +perpetrate, feel free to do so. The galleries shall be cleared, and +reporters and the public excluded--metaphorically speaking," he added +hastily, turning to the newspaper men, who wore a pained expression, +"metaphorically speaking, of course." The skies journalistic cleared at +once, and then Colonel Manysnifters, a born diplomat, whispered to the +waiting porter, who nodded knowingly, and disappeared. + +"Senator, I thank you. You relieve the situation. I am a modest man, +sir, and hesitate to talk about myself even among friends; but since you +all insist, there is nothing for me to do but yield as gracefully as I +may--and as a yielder I glitter in the front rank. My experience, +gentlemen, was a peculiar one, and I think it will hold you for a while. + +"It was during that never-to-be-forgotten session of Congress which +lasted almost up to the time for getting together again. Cleveland was +on the thro--in the White House, I mean--and I was looking after things +up at the big building on Capitol Hill. + +"One day in the latter part of June, when the sun was firing up for a +real old-fashioned Washington summer, and the thermometer about four +degrees below Jackson City, a number of my constituents came on to see +me, and after we had transacted certain important business I undertook +to show the boys the town; and in the party was this fellow, Professor +Seymour. + +"We started out one broiling afternoon upon our giddy round of pleasure, +and, after keeping up the festivities all night and a portion of the +next day, I became separated from my friends in some unaccountable way, +and toward evening found myself wandering down town near the wharves. It +was very dusty and close, and the temperature a slice of Hades served up +on a hot plate. There was no need for matches, all you had to do was to +put your unlighted cigar in your mouth and puff away. I was trying hard +to remember why I had on glasses,--they were of no use in the world to +me,--and I was also much astonished to find that I was wearing Seymour's +coat and hat, the latter a typical western slouch, broad-brimmed and +generous. I also sported a tie loud enough to frighten an automobile. +After pondering awhile upon this remarkable state of affairs, the +thought arose so far as I knew I might be Seymour myself! I was +strangely befuddled by the adventures of the past twenty-four hours, and +it was not long before I began to seriously argue with myself that I +_was_ Seymour,--undoubtedly Seymour,--indeed, why should I not be +Seymour as well as any one else? This masterly line of reason settled +it. I _was_ Seymour, and as an instructor and guide of youth I felt that +I ought to be thoroughly ashamed of myself for flocking with the +dissipated crowd I had just left. Acting upon this elevating thought, I +braced up considerably, assumed an air of virtue, and not knowing +exactly what to do next, joined a throng of people who were jostling one +another in their efforts to get on a steamboat. A sail, I fancied, would +do me no end of good, and as the ticket seller assured me with a smile +that the boat was perfectly safe and would return in a few hours, I went +aboard with the rest of the fools, children, and old folks. This I +accomplished after barely escaping a plunge into the river from what +struck me as being an exceedingly narrow gang-plank. + +"The band struck up one of Sousa's lively marches, a hoarse whistle +sounded, the boat trembled all over, and we were off. As the _Charles +Auchester_ glided out into the stream, two young women with camp stools +in their hands pushed through the crowd at the entrance to the hurricane +deck--an elevation I had succeeded in attaining--and took their seats +near a life-raft upon which I reclined, Cleopatra-like. + +"'Oh, aren't these excursions perfectly lovely, Ruby?' said the taller +of the pair, taking off her hat and dropping it in her lap. + +"'Yes, and so cheap. All the way to Indian Head and back for a quarter. +It's a godsend for us poor tired folks who have to stay in town all +summer. And you know what that means, don't you, Pearl?' + +"'Oh, yes, but don't let's talk about it,' said the other fretfully. 'I +try not even to think of what we will have to go through. What good does +it do to fuss over things we can't help?' + +"'That's right, dear,' said her companion, 'and it doesn't pay to look +far ahead, either, if one wants to be happy. I never do.' + +"They were pretty and quite well dressed, these two maidens. As to their +being without a male escort, I rather admired their sturdy independence. +Everything about them bespoke refinement, and yet the very next remark +from the girl called Ruby sent a shiver through my sensitive frame, and +caused my hastily formed but favorable opinion of the pair to change +color. + +"'I'd give anything, Pearl, if Will and the other fellows were here. +They always buy, and I've got an awful thirst on me.' + +"'We might have some beer, anyway,' mildly suggested Pearl, and a flying +waiter took the order. + +"'I guess we can pick up something on the boat,' remarked Ruby; who, by +the way, was good to look at--a black-eyed lass with regular features +and lots of pink and white complexion. Pearl, languidly sipping her +beer, nodded in the affirmative. This person, evidently the younger of +the two, had a babyish face, big innocent blue eyes, and a profusion of +fluffy yellow hair. She did not appeal as much to my sense of the +beautiful as the dark one did; but I have always been partial to +brunettes. She told me later that she was twenty--which figure was +enough for me to know, I suppose. Oh, I understand women. They are an +open book to me. + +"About eight o'clock the moon, immense and crimson, came up from behind +the Maryland hills, and cast a lurid path upon the wavelets. The girls, +or rather the 'Jewels,' as I have since learned to think of them, +huddled closer together, with a not too capacious shawl around them, for +the wind was freshening considerably. For a while I stopped looking at +them, being interested in the little stunts that are done on the boat as +it passes Mount Vernon. The tolling of the bell and the dirge by the +band absorbed all my attention. + +"It was not long, though, before I began to feel that I was the object +of very earnest scrutiny on the part of an individual or individuals +nearby. Turning suddenly, I met the basilisk gaze of Pearl and Ruby. +Their dreadful remark came to me with crushing force. They had begun, as +they coarsely put it, 'to pick up something.' Lobster-like, finding +myself in hot water, I turned several beautiful shades of red +immediately. I became terror-stricken--I, the dignified Professor of +Applied Science at Jay College, Kentucky! All my innate modesty began to +assert itself; and is not this the surest protection of the innocent? I +arose and fled. + +"Unfortunately, while retreating, I looked back, simply to see how the +shameless creatures were affected by my departure. Oh, fatal curiosity! +They must have considered my backward glance an invitation to follow, +for they did so with alacrity. That accursed backward glance! Lot's +wife--you know the story. + +"However, I saw that I was in for it, so just before reaching the steps +leading to the bar, I resolutely faced my pursuers and stood at bay. +They bore down upon me like ships that pass--no, I won't say that. + +"'You sweet thing,' chirped Ruby, 'it knew how thirsty we were, didn't +it? I don't care if it isn't the youngest baby at the christening, it's +just all skeeky; so there!' This speech was delivered in gentle tones, +but loud enough to be heard by several bystanders, who snickered +disagreeably. + +"'Yes, popper,' joined in Pearl warmly, 'do buy us a drink.' + +"'Yes, popper!' I could have slapped her! Heavens! Did I look as old as +that? I was aghast, for I have always prided myself upon my youthful +appearance. + +"'If you call me "popper" again,' said I in a savage undertone, 'I will +throw you overboard! Do you hear? How dare you speak to me anyway? I +have a great mind to call an officer! Come now, girls,' I added in a +milder strain, aware of the helplessness of the situation, 'let's go +below; and keep quiet, do. I will buy the drinks.' + +"Then in sheer self-defense I ordered beer, then more beer, then +cocktails, then I don't know what--Pearl asked the waiter to bring it--a +queer greenish-yellow stuff which quickly overpowered me. When the vile +mixture had gotten in its handiwork the Jewels seemed highly satisfied, +and laughed gleefully. A few moments later I was introduced to a +'gentleman friend' of theirs whom they fished out of the crowd. He was a +flashily dressed youth who insisted upon another drink--and another--at +my expense. After that I have a faint recollection of getting off the +boat upon its return to Washington, and of being hustled into a +night-liner, the Jewels and their pal nobly standing by me. We jogged +along for miles, Ruby singing at the top of her voice and the gentleman +friend joining in at the chorus. Pearl's head was bent over, wobbly +fashion. She was either asleep, or lost in deep thought. I have also a +dim recollection of the vehicle coming to an abrupt halt, and a head +thrust in at the window, saying pointedly that if we did not make less +noise he would run the whole blanketty-blank gang in. This made me mad, +and I wanted to fight the stranger then and there; but my warlike +purpose was frustrated by the Jewels and their friend, who flung +themselves upon me, wisely detaining me. The end of our journey was +reached soon afterwards and our little party rolled out. + +"I was then dragged up an apparently endless flight of steps, and into +the vestibule of a large old-fashioned house, once the stately residence +of a famous man, but now given over to the undesirable class of persons +into whose clutches I had fallen. An aged negress tugged at an immense +paneled door, and let us into a wide hall, at the end of which a lamp +burned feebly. Then we struggled up more stairs, and after many turnings +drew up before a shabbily furnished room. Into this I was rudely pushed, +and the door closed and locked upon me. I rocked about in the darkness, +grabbed the bed as it swung around for the third time, got a strangle +hold, and went right to sleep. From this I was awakened some hours later +by voices in the hall just outside. The transom over the door was open, +so I could hear pretty well all that was said. + +"'That's a good sort of haul you made to-night--nit!' growled a deep +bass. 'Ain't you afraid you'll get into trouble? That fellow in there is +Colonel Manysnifters. You've all heard of him--haven't yer? Why, he is +the biggest man in the House--a great swell--money to throw at the +birds; and he's been a throwin' it, hey?' said he of the voice, with a +chuckle; 'but he ain't no greenhorn, I can tell yer! The old sport can +make it powerful warm for us when he gets out of here!' + +"'Suppose he never gets out--not for a long time, anyway; and the +ransom--just think of the ransom!' joyously urged one of the Jewels, +whose voice I recognized. + +"'Oh, that sorter thing don't go now,' said the man; 'besides, the cop +who stopped yer awhile ago knows a thing or two. You can't work any +Turkish brigand racket here in Washington--the town's too small. Could +do it in New York, I suppose, but not down here. The game ain't worth +the candle, anyhow. The chap's blown in all he had about him. We've got +his scarf-pin and alarm clock, and that's all there is to it.' + +"'I guess you're right,' remarked the Jewel; 'but wait until Lola comes, +and see what she says.' + +"'So they think I am old Manysnifters,' thought I, trying to smile. +'That's real funny, ain't it? Oh, if he were only here now, wouldn't he +get me out of this?' And in my fancy I could see my husky friend +grappling with the gang outside, pitching them down the stairs, and +carrying me off in triumph--the way they do it in the best sellers. My +captors then went below, their voices trailing away into silence. They +left me with some nasty thoughts. + +"'What would the faculty of Jay think of their Seymour, could they but +gaze upon him now? What would my pupils say? The World, the great World +at large, the Press, the Pulpit?' (My brother is an Atlanta clergyman.) +'What would these great social forces say?' Confused ideas of my +identity and importance arose like fumes to further befuddle me. I sat +on the side, and in the middle of the bed, in despair--longing for +something to smoke! + +"The hours dragged slowly by, and yet Lola, Lola the mysterious, upon +whose decision so much depended, came not. + +"'Something must be done, and quickly,' thought I, and I started to get +up. But hark! I heard some one in the hall softly slip a key in the lock +of my door, and turn it with a creaking sound. The next moment a very +odd figure came into the room. 'Twas a little old woman, and as she +glided toward me I sank back on the couch quivering with terror! On, on, +she came, and lightly touched my forehead. + +"My first impulse was to shriek with affright; the impulse was all +right, but I just couldn't do it. I must have been paralyzed. I blew +first hot and then cold, and then stopped blowing altogether. + +"So there I lay, stark with fear. But my visitor seemed to be very +harmless. She drew up a chair by the side of the bed and took her seat, +muttering something I couldn't catch. Then she bent over me and I felt +her warm breath on my cheek!... + +"The situation had changed but slightly when I came to a little later. +She was talking. + +"'Marse Edwin, Marse Edwin, don't yer know yer ole black mammy? +Hush-sh-sh, chile, doan' answer me, 'cept in a whisper! I'se done come +fer to save yer! I nussed yer when yer was a little baby, and I promised +ole Missus always to look arter yer. De sojers is a huntin' fer yer, +Marse Edwin; dey's all eround us! Hush-sh-sh!' said she, as I attempted +to rise; 'lie still, honey, dey'll sartainly cotch yer if yer goes out +now! Dey's sentinils posted everywhar, and dey'll shoot you down like a +dog! My poor Marse Edwin,' she wailed, 'why did yer do it? Why did yer +do it? Why did yer kill him? He nebber done yer no harm. Why, Gawd bless +him, he done sot ole Mammy free! But dar ain't no use talkin' 'bout it +now!' She walked up and down the room several times, still muttering, +and then peered out of the window. Something in the street attracted +her. + +"'Hush-sh-sh, chile, now's de time! Git up quick, deary, but fer de +Lawd's sake doan' make no noise! Follow de ole woman--dis way.' I got up +at once and obeyed her. It was a ghastly sort of thing, this Marse Edwin +business, but I saw a chance of escape at the bottom of it. We went to +the lower part of the house on tip-toe, and the negress, opening the +street door, pushed me out into the cool dawn, saying with a shaking +voice, 'Run, Marse Edwin, run fer yer life! Watch out for de sojers! +Good-bye, Gawd bress you, my lam'!' And I ran, you bet. + +"Day was breaking when I found myself in the street, and as I emerged +from the slightly disreputable neighborhood where I had passed the night +I felt sure that a glance in the mirror would show me up a haggard, +white-haired wreck. The air was wonderfully reviving, though, and I felt +a subtle change stealing over me. An odd, pricking sensation, like one's +foot awakening from sleep, gradually took possession of me, and to my +horror I appeared to be separating from myself. Any one who has had that +feeling knows what it is. At one moment I was the Professor; the next, I +was undoubtedly Manysnifters! I found myself walking by the side of one; +then, in the twinkling of an eye, with the other. It was not long, +however, before I began to get tired of it, so just before I reached the +hotel I determined to decide once for all who I was. I felt that it was +important I should know. The decision was arrived at by a simple +expedient to which I invariably resort whenever I find my judgment +wavering. There is no patent on the thing, and I don't mind letting you +all into it. Fortunately, I still had my luck-piece--an ancient Roman +coin--with me. + +"'Now,' thought I, 'let the antique beer check decide it. I will cinch +this question by tossing up. If it falls heads, I am Manysnifters, and +if the reverse appears, I am the Professor. I will abide by the decree +of Fate.' + +"Up went the Denarius, striking the asphalt with a merry ring in its +fall. I bent eagerly over it, and lo, the image and superscription of +Caesar stared me in the face! + +"So I was Manysnifters after all, and this fact was further impressed +upon me an hour or so later by an enterprising office-seeker, to whom, +in my enfeebled state, I fell an easy prey--I endorsed his application +for the Nova Zembla consulship." + + + + +IV + +AN ACCIDENT--DINNER + + +Colonel Manysnifters's story was very thirst-provoking, and President +Madison, our grinning drink-mixer, had a busy half-hour of it. It was +now about seven o'clock and we were again overtaken by the storm, which +hurled itself upon us, fairly rocking the car in its violence. The +train, which had been proceeding slowly and jerkily, now came to a full +stop. An avalanche of snow, earth, and loose stones had fallen at the +end of a deep cut. Had we been going at any speed an awful catastrophe +would have resulted. As it was we were barely moving when we ran into +the obstruction. It would be hours before the track could be cleared, +and there was no relief in sight. Fortunately, we were well provisioned, +and could stand a siege of a day or so in any event. The brakeman set +out on his long, hard journey to the nearest telegraph station, swinging +his lantern, and swearing picturesquely. Every precaution was taken to +guard the train against further accident. Our party accepted the +inevitable philosophically. Dinner was announced, and amid the good +things provided by our chef we soon forgot our mishap. + +[Illustration: President Madison.] + +"Now, gentlemen," said Colonel Manysnifters genially, between the soup +and fish, "let's cut out golf, religion, baseball, and politics, and get +down to serious subjects. Senator, what is the best poker hand you ever +held?" + +Senator Wendell, thus addressed, said, with a far-away look in his eyes, +"Let me see, let me see. Oh, I remember now; it happened twice--three +times--or was it three times? Twice I will swear to." + +"How's that?" + +"I say it happened twice; I am positive of it--and before the draw, +too." + +"Who was dealing?" asked the Colonel eagerly. + +"Poker stories barred," said Senator Baker sternly. "Remember, +gentlemen, that this is a non-partisan gathering; not only that, but +some of us know absolutely nothing about the game. And yet, and yet," +said he thoughtfully, as if to himself, "it _is_ a fascinating subject. +Why, on one occasion,--I will never forget it,--being right under the +guns, I passed without looking at my hand. The man next to me opened the +pot, and all the rest stayed. I picked up my cards carelessly, and +imagine my delight when I found that I had----" + +"Senator, Senator," said Van Rensselaer reproachfully, "I am surprised. +I didn't think you would go back on the sentiments you so warmly +espoused a few moments ago. Let us avoid so agitating a topic. +Personally," continued he, slowly and dreamily, as if going into a +trance, "I have no objection to the game. I have played it myself, +though I do not pose as an expert. Coming over on the steamer last +summer--'twas the night before we landed--the game was steep, painfully +steep, and nothing friendly about it, with the lid off finally. I was +about two thousand to the bad,--it was the consolation round, ending +with and up to me,--my deal, and the fellows counting and stacking their +chips preparatory to cashing in. I doled the papes with deliberation, +and a saddened soul, and skinned my hand carefully. They were +hearts--all but one. A seven, four, six, five and a trey of clubs. +That's the way they came to me. A nice little straight, but apparently +not nice enough. All the fellows stayed, and there was considerable +hoisting before the draw. Then the man next to me took one card; the +Englishman with the monocle, two; General Thomas, one; the fat man from +Cincinnati, three (to his aces), and Doctor McNab stood pat; and then +discarding the trey of clubs--foolhardy, very foolhardy, but I did it--I +dealt myself one--the eight of hearts! My, how good I felt! The battle +was on! Backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, until one by one +the players dropped out, leaving the Doctor and myself to settle it. +Doctor McNab saw my three thousand and raised me five. + +"Five better," said I. + +"Back at you," said he; the others in the meanwhile keeping tab in their +notebooks. + +"Once again," said I. + +"And again," said he. + +"That was about all I could stand, and I called him. With a leer of +triumph he threw his hand on the table, face-up, displaying----" + +"Stop him, stop him!" shouted Mr. Ridley, rising excitedly. "Don't let +him take the money! If I'd a knowed you at the time, brother, it never +would a happened! I'd a put you wise to that McNab. He ain't no more +doctor than I am, and his name ain't McNab either! The scar-faced son of +a gun! I've been up against him, and so has Bull; ain't you, Nathan?" + +"Poker stories are barred, I believe," said the Senator coldly. + +Mr. Ridley's face was a study. + +"Well, I'll be damned!" he muttered, with his mouth full of potatoes. +"Let's change the subject; there are lots of other things to talk about. +I like war stories, myself. Senator," said he, turning to Senator +Hammond, "the first time I ever saw you--and then it was some distance +off--you were in the biggest kind of a hurry; I never saw a man so +anxious to get from here, say, to over there." + +"When was it? I do not recollect," said the old veteran pleasantly. + +"Why, at Bull Run; don't you remember Bull Run?" + +"Do I? Well, I should say I did. You fellows certainly had us going that +day, and if you had been smart you would have pushed matters, captured +Washington, and thus ended the war, or at least have been in a position +to dictate your own terms. As to our retreat, I remember so well the +disgusted tones of a staunch Union lady living in Washington, speaking +to one of the boys on the night of our return. + +"'You coward!' she said bitterly, 'to run away at the first fire! Don't +you know that the finger of scorn will be pointed at you all the rest of +your life?' + +"'That may be so, lady,' said the soldier doggedly, 'but I'd ruther hev +the finger o' scorn pinted at me any time than one o' them damned Rebel +cannon!' + +"And another of the boys limping by, foot-sore and weary, was accosted +by this same angry dame, 'You ran, did you? You ran! Shame! Shame! A big +fellow like you! Why did you run?' + +"'I run, mum, 'cause I couldn't _fly_, that's why I run!'" + +"Yes, quite true; and yet, after all, how like the moon we are," +muttered one of the newspaper men disconnectedly. + +"How so?" inquired Senator Hammond acidly. + +"Why, here we are, full--gloriously full--on the twentieth of the month, +and eight days later, down to our last quarter." + +"That's bad, very bad, O'Brien," said another scribe mournfully. +"Forgive him, Senator. I will have something to say to him later." +Withering glances were cast at the unlucky one, who seemed about to sink +under the table, and the wind outside howled dismally, and rattled the +windows in its rage. + +[Illustration: Senator Pennypacker.] + +The situation was steadied somewhat by Senator Pennypacker. The Senator, +who entered public life five years ago a poor man, and who, by living +economically, saving his pay, and borrowing his chewing tobacco, is at +present worth considerably over a million dollars, now favored the +company with some sage remarks as to the tendency of the times toward +extravagance, the high cost of living in Washington, the iniquity of the +boarding-house keepers, and the difficulty he had to make both ends +meet. The Senator is a tall, lank, ungainly looking man; thin lipped, +with mean, cunning eyes, strained ever for the main chance. A few tufts +of reddish hair are flattened on either side of his cranium, and his +nose and chin were sharpened on the grindstone of necessity and early +hardship into twin beaks. Verily a vulture, battening now on the Trusts, +and feared and hated by other birds of smaller body and weaker wing. +With him, Selfishness is indeed the main-spring of Ambition! His +features are well-known to the public through the medium of those +extensive advertisements in the papers heralding the great vegetable +remedy "Gee-Soo-Na." + +His remarks were received in silence, though a careful observer might +have noticed an exchange of solemn winks between Colonel Manysnifters +and Sammy Ridley. + +"Oh, he is the stingy one, all right," Colonel Manysnifters confided +later to Mr. Ridley. "He is the kind of fellow who would send his best +girl a box of candy Saturday morning, and call around Sunday night and +eat it all up." + +When the Senator had fully delivered himself, some one brought up the +negro question. + +"They certainly are the limit in Washington," said Colonel Manysnifters. +"The sassy black rascals seem to think they own the town. And nigger +policemen, too! Think of a white man being arrested by a nigger +policeman!" + +"I do not see why lawbreakers should object to the color of the man who +gathers them in," said Van Rensselaer sarcastically. + +"We Southerners do, anyway," retorted the Colonel hotly. + +"You Southerners should behave yourselves, then there would be no +trouble," observed Senator Hammond dryly. + +"Well, that's all right, now," said Colonel Manysnifters, flaring up, +"we don't expect you Northerners to feel as we do about it! We----" + +"Come, come, Manysnifters," said Senator Bull pacifically, "don't get +excited. Don't let the 'nigger in the wood-pile' spoil this occasion. +Calm yourself." + +"Oh, I'm not excited. It takes a lot to excite me," said the Colonel; +"but just to give you an idea of how things are going in Washington, a +cousin of mine from Atlanta, a kindly disposed chap as ever lived, +meeting an old negress on the street there the other day, said to her, +'Well, Auntie, how are you this bright morning?' + +"'Huh!' exclaimed the old woman angrily, 'Auntie! Don't you call me no +Auntie! I ain't yoh aunt, and I ain't yoh uncle; I'se yoh ekal!' Now +wouldn't that jar you? That's the way the niggers feel about it in +Washington." + +"Forget it, Manysnifters," urged Senator Bull, "forget it. Give the +colored brother a show. He will work out his own salvation." + +"At the end of a rope," growled the Colonel. + +"Be charitable, sir, be charitable," said Senator Pennypacker +ponderously. "The negro problem lies with the white people of the South. +They will solve it. Give them time. Perhaps they may find + + "'With keen, discriminating sight, + Black's not so black, + Nor white's so very white!'" + +"Oh, we will solve it all right," said Colonel Manysnifters knowingly, +"trust us for that. Only--you Northern folks keep your hands off. That's +all we ask!" + +Mr. Ridley, to soothe the fiery Southerner, poured out a generous +libation, and the dark cloud rolled over. + + + + +V + +SENATOR BULL'S STORY + + +When we returned to the observation car Senator Bull was unanimously +called to the chair. + +"I shall hark back to my boyhood days," said he, "and relate an incident +in my early life, and its sequel when I attained man's estate. I suppose +all of us have had experiences which have more than once brought home +the weight of that bewhiskered old maxim--'Truth is stranger than +fiction.' + +"There were twelve of us--Bert Martin, Joey Scott, Tom Hyland, Georgie +Morris, Jake Milburn, Bob Hardee, Lannie Sudduth, Owen Prouty, Alf Rush, +Ed Ross, Dolph Levy, and myself. The Forestburg Rifles we called +ourselves. Ed Ross was captain, and Lannie Sudduth and Bob Hardee, +lieutenants. There were no other officers, for that would have left too +few privates; but, as it was, our nine men marching single file and wide +apart made a fine showing. Owen Prouty limping bravely along, brought up +the rear. 'That lame Prouty boy' was the gamest fellow in the command +and it nearly broke his heart when we marched away in earnest in +sixty-one, and left him behind--the leader of the home-guard. + +"The Rifles were armed with wooden guns, and drilled twice a week in +Bert Martin's barn--drilled with almost the same precision and attention +to the manual as we _had_ to do in later years. Ed Ross was a strict +disciplinarian even then, and awfully in earnest. Indeed, we all were +for that matter. When the notion is strong upon them, young folks beat +their elders all hollow at that sort of thing. Every Saturday afternoon +at three o'clock, weather permitting, we met at our armory, and after +some preliminary maneuvers marched down High Street. Old Cush Woodberry +and the other loafers at Horton's would come out on the platform in +front of the store and review the troops. The interest those lazy +fellows took in us was astonishing. Old Cush even volunteered one day to +give us some instructions in tactics, but our gallant captain +courteously declined. There were others, though, who did not admire us +so much. The green-eyed monster reigned supreme over on Liberty Street, +and around by the court-house lot. There the country lads in town for +Saturday market were entrenched, and they jeered at us enviously from +the line of wagons drawn up in battle array. Occasionally a rotten apple +or potato would sail through the air in our direction, but we marched +past our tormentors stiffly erect, and apparently unconscious. Had our +numbers been stronger we would have joyfully stormed the enemy's works, +but the country boys were bigger than we, and vastly more numerous; so +with us discretion was indeed the better part of valor. + +"The Rifles were organized just after school broke up, and flourished +all that summer; a remarkable thing for Forestburg boys, for we were a +squabbling lot, prone to quarrel and fight upon the slightest +provocation. But in some way our captain held us together--just as he +did afterward at Antietam and Gettysburg. Dear old chap, he holds us +still! + +"In early September we received our colors. Up to that time Owen Prouty +had carried a small flag on his musket, but it had never been dignified +as the company's colors. Our real flag was given to us by the little +McDermott girl, and the giving was done so prettily and sweetly that our +boyish hearts were touched--and this is saying a good deal. Not, indeed, +that the Forestburg boys were rougher than other boys, for I guess they +are all pretty much alike; but we had been taught to hate and shun the +McDermotts. They were newcomers, and Danny McDermott had been a Young +Irelander, or something else equally as dreadful. Then, too, Forestburg +was a Knownothing stronghold, and we fell naturally into our daddies' +way of thinking. So we roundly snubbed the pleasant-faced Danny and his +family whenever we had a chance, and the fellows at school used to bully +Terence, the son, most atrociously. Yet as we marched by the McDermotts' +on Saturday afternoons little Katie would always run out to the gate +delightedly and wave a large flag, and after a while we came to look +upon the little golden-haired child and her flag as quite a feature of +our parade. Finally, one day she stepped into the street, and with a +quaint curtsy presented the flag, garlanded with roses and buttercups, +to our captain. The command was at once ordered to halt, and all eyes +were fixed upon Ed and the blushing child. + +"'Attention!' shouted Captain Ross. We obeyed and looked straight ahead +as good soldiers should, with a sly glance out of the corners of our +eyes at our leader. But Ed knew just what to do. He faced about sharply, +and made a low bow to the lady, took the flag held out to him, and then +made a speech. Ed Ross was always a fine talker, and had won the +elocution prize at school the year before. On this occasion he fairly +surpassed himself. I have often thought of it since. At our next meeting +we unanimously elected Miss Katherine Burke McDermott an honorary member +of the Rifles. Tom Ryland's sister drew up the resolutions, and they +were very beautiful. + + * * * * * + +"It was a sultry afternoon, and the little jury-room was suffocating. +The fight for a life which had raged out in the gloomy court-room for +two weeks or more was now transferred to the ten by twelve cubby-hole +where we had been cooped up since noon. The evidence against the +prisoner was overwhelming, but some of the jurors still wavered as to +their clear duty. Eight of us were for murder in the first degree; the +others were in the same frame of mind, I am sure, but tantalizingly slow +about saying so. It looked like an all-night struggle. + +"Thrice since midday had Sheriff Watkins popped in his red head and +asked if we had agreed upon a verdict, and as often had he angrily +withdrawn. Watkins had a profound contempt for juries in general, and +our jury in particular. According to the sheriff, the case of +Commonwealth against Hardy was decided, and decided fully, when +Dillingham finished his speech. Dillingham was the prosecuting attorney, +and Watkins worshipped him down to the ground. Watkins was therefore +clearly prejudiced, but in this instance his views were undeniably +sound. + +"The court, despairing and thirsty, had adjourned to meet at seven +o'clock. In the jury-room all arguments for and against the stand taken +by the unshaken eight seemed exhausted. The hours dragged wearily by. At +half-past five o'clock, to our great surprise, three of the obstinate +crowd came over to our way of thinking. Whether stern duty, our mutual +discomfort, or the prospect of another night away from their families +wrought this, I know not. So then, with the single exception of Colonel +Ross, we were all for stringing up the prisoner. + +"Colonel Ross still stuck out doggedly for a milder punishment--anything +to save the poor devil's life, he said. For the first time in my career +I rebelled against the judgment of my old friend, and for the first time +found myself arrayed against him, and the novelty of the situation was +far from agreeable. The clock in the town hall struck six, and the +whistles down at Thayer's mill blew furiously. The Colonel was biting +the ends of his mustache and gazing moodily into the crowded street +below. I went up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. + +"'Now, Colonel,' said I, in my most persuasive tones, 'can't you make up +your mind to join us in this thing? We are all agreed except yourself. +God knows we have no personal feeling against Hardy. We are simply doing +what we think is our duty, and a mighty nasty one it is, too! You know +that. But we owe something to society--society, whose structure was +shaken to its very foundation by the perpetration of this crime! +(Dillingham's own words.) The prisoner is clearly guilty. Why, the +fellow practically confesses it. We ought to put some stop to the +killing and general rascality up there in the settlement. Our section is +fast becoming a monstrous blot on the fair name of the Commonwealth! +(Dillingham again.) What is there left for us to do but carry out the +law? What is there left for----' My voice died away weakly. Something in +the Colonel's face effectually blasted my budding eloquence. At that +moment I felt myself a greater criminal than Hardy or any of his gang. + +"Colonel Ross tapped the floor impatiently with his crutch. He was a +testy man, but much was borne from him. + +[Illustration: Colonel Ross addressing the jury.] + +"'Gentlemen,' said he, his eyes flashing, 'I verily think that the good +God above in His great wisdom and mercy picked out this jury Himself. I +am sure He did. Now, listen to me. It will not take long. + +"'We have all had a tedious two weeks of it, haven't we? The weather has +been warm; our business neglected; some of us have sick ones at home we +are anxious to see; and we are all losing our health and temper in this +close confinement. And I by no means omit the dreadful meals at the +Darby House. But, gentlemen, rather than come over to you and hang Eph +Hardy, I would stay here forever! Not, indeed, that there is any danger +of that, for the Judge will discharge us pretty soon if we do not come +to terms. But I can at least go to my home with nothing to haunt me the +rest of my life. I can at least close my eyes at night without fear of +troubled dreams or hours of unrest. And I thank God for it. + +"'Now, my friends, while all that we've gone through has been wearing on +a fellow, it has not been without interest. You have doubtless heard and +gazed in wonder at "the cloud of witnesses" the defense and prosecution +have summoned for this case. You have listened open-mouthed to the fine +eloquence of the lawyers. You have seen, day after day, the fashionable +city folk, who have come down to our little town, troop in and take +their seats--and the reporters, and the men with the cameras, and the +hungry-looking "poor whites." Now, gentlemen, of course you have seen +and heard all this, and of course you have been duly impressed. _I_ have +been, I grant you; but of late there has been but one thing in that +court-room I could see; but one thing that interested me, and held my +attention to the exclusion of all else. I don't suppose you know what I +mean. It is this--back, 'way back by the door a little woman has been in +torture, such torture as I hope you will never know. I cannot keep my +eyes from that shabbily dressed figure; from that white, tear-stained +face. Again and again I have seen her veil drawn down, and the poor +creature shaking with grief. At first I did not know her, though I +guessed. Watkins told me about her. She is the prisoner's mother. + +"'When Dillingham was putting in his finishing touches this morning I +thought of _my_ mother. _She_ was like that when they brought my brother +Archie home. You remember Archie--and the day he was drowned? We were +all in swimming that Sunday, you know, and Parson Moore said it was a +judgment, but my poor mother could not bring herself to think so. + +"'Well, the Hardy woman called to mind mother when they told her about +Archie. That same awful, awful look of despair. + +"'As I said before, I see the hand of God in the choosing of this jury.' +The Colonel eyed us almost exultingly. + +"'Boys! Attention!' Mechanically we old soldiers arose and faced about, +obeying our Colonel as of yore. The order was electrical, and set us +tingling with expectation. Something else was surely coming. + +"The Colonel bowed profoundly to an imaginary person at his side. + +"'Boys, listen! I accept this flag from your fair hands in behalf of my +men and myself. Mere words fail to express our thanks, but in deeds most +glorious will we attest our love for you, and the Stars and +Stripes!'--or something like that--all very childish and grandiloquent, +but we kept our word, didn't we? And again--picture it to yourselves, +now--Bob Hardee's barn; your captain in the chair; Private Ryland rises, +and offers the following: "Be it Resolved, that Miss Katherine Burke +McDermott be, and hereby is, elected an honorary member for life in the +Forestburg Rifles, and that we swear to cherish and protect her +forever." That was the gist of it, I believe, and there were other +resolutions regarding the same young lady, which have unfortunately +escaped my memory. But, boys, need I remind you that these resolutions +were adopted unanimously? O, let them bind us still! That broken-hearted +woman in there was once the little golden-haired lass to whom we were so +loyal in the long ago. Shall we not be loyal to-day? It isn't justice, +and it isn't law; but, boys, we've got to save that fellow's life--now, +haven't we?' + +"An hour later we entered the court-room. The woman over by the door +looked up with a faint flush on her face. Hope had made it radiant. She +knew that 'The Rifles' would never vote to take her boy's life! + +"And she was right. + +"We acquitted him. + +"The verdict was heard in absolute silence. Then there was a slight stir +in the rear of the room. Nothing, after all; only--a woman had fainted. +It was hot in the court-room that night, and no place for women, anyhow, +as Colonel Ross gruffly remarked at the time. + +"But there were tears in his eyes." + + + + +VI + +REPRESENTATIVE HOLLOWAY HAS THE FLOOR + + +At the conclusion of Senator Bull's story President Madison was again +requisitioned, and a crap game which was in lively progress in the +dining-car was thus rudely disturbed. + +"Tell us, Holloway, about your nomination and election to Congress. Was +it not somewhat in the nature of a surprise?" asked Congressman Van +Rensselaer. + +"Very much so. It will hardly make a story, but if you would like to +hear how it happens that the --th District of Illinois is represented in +Congress by a Democrat for the first time in its history, here goes--but +mind you, now, I don't pretend to be in Senator Bull's class as a story +teller. + +"It was a piping hot day in August, and Harrisville at its worst. +Whenever a vehicle passed, clouds of dust floated in at the windows and +settled upon my books, my papers, and covered my green baize table with +an infinitesimal section of H---- County real estate. Even the slumberer +on the sofa was not exempt. His usually ruddy face had become ashen, and +his snoring was developing into a series of choking gasps. It was +fearful, this dust,--alkaline, penetrating, stifling,--and from such +soil the raw-boned, hard-featured men of H---- wrung a living. And I, +sharing their narrow lives, began to understand the true significance of +the word 'onery' as applied to us by our more prosperous and ofttimes +just exasperated neighbors. + +"It was court day, and I had just come in after a stiff tussle with a +pig-headed judge, an irritating opposing counsel, and a H---- County +jury. I thought of old Uncle Peter Whitehead, 'The onriest critters in +the whole State of Illinoy come out o' H----! Thar ain't no tellin' +which way an H---- County jury's a goin' to jump. The law and the facts +ain't nothin' ter them, it's jest the way they are feelin' that +particler day and minnit. If so happen they got outer bed the wrong foot +furrard that mornin', then it's good-by ter the pris'ner, and hell fer +the lawyer that's defendin' him!' + +"Court had adjourned until two o'clock, leaving the fate of my client +undecided, and I came into my office, tired-out, warm, and exceedingly +anxious. Clearing Thad Hawley meant a great deal to me just then. It was +my first important case, and I felt that my future would be decided in a +great measure by its outcome. If the twelve stolid farmers upon whom I +had showered my eloquence went Fraley-ward in their verdict, I knew that +my professional goose would be cooked, and visions of a move to some +distant bailiwick rose up before me. Fraley and Hicks would then +monopolize the Harrisville practice, and perhaps in a year or so some +other fledgling would rise up in his ignorance and be as ruthlessly cut +down as I had been. + +"Yes, I was worried, and the sight of Andrew Sale asleep on my sofa did +not tend to soothe that feeling. At any time a visit from the county +chairman would have been most unwelcome, but now it was an exhibition of +unmitigated gall! Another contribution, I supposed, angrily eyeing the +sleeper. I had been the 'good thing' for Sale and his crowd for some +years past, and had pretty well resolved to cut loose from them--and +politics. I thought of the many ambitious young fellows I knew who had +been permanently injured while hovering around the political flame. +Some, indeed, were burned to death, others are floundering through life +on crippled wings; all were more or less singed, both morally and +financially. My experience thus far had been a financial singe, and the +last scorching was still fresh and quivering. Only the week before I had +given Sale my check for quite a tolerable sum, and then as soon as he +had left my office, kicked myself for doing so. The money, he said, was +to go toward defraying the expenses of the nominating convention, which +was to meet at Shawnee on the twenty-first, and as a good man and true I +had to 'cough up' with the rest of them. + +"And here he was again! + +"As I glared at him the chairman turned over uneasily, sputtered, +sneezed, opened his eyes, and sat up, staring stupidly. + +"'How're you? How're you?' he roared, wiping his face with a grimy +handkerchief. 'Ain't this dust awful? There ain't no doing anything with +it. If you put the winders down you'll smother with the heat, and if you +leave 'em up, you'll choke to death. Hobson's choice, eh? Ha, ha! And +all that prayin' for rain on Sunday, too. Providence's ways is certainly +beyond us--ain't they? Well, I rather guess _this_ visit 'll surprise +ye.' + +"'It does, Mr. Sale, it does!' said I warmly. 'You know I told you when +you were here the other day that I could not--you know damn well +that----' + +"'Now, now, now,' said he soothingly, holding up his hand, 'don't do +that! You're on the wrong tack, Mister, 'deed you are. There's another +guess a comin' to you. It ain't money we want this time, no, siree! +Money don't cut no ice this trip, though it _is_ a mighty handy thing to +have a jinglin' in your jeans--ain't it? No, it ain't the "sinews," as +Jim McGubbin calls it; it's _you_, Mr. Holloway; it's _you_, sir!' + +"'Me, Mr. Sale?' + +"'Yes, sir; you. Why it's as plain as the nose on your face, Mr. +Holloway, and that is--the Democratic party of the --th deestric' is +pretty unanimous on _one_ thing anyhow, this year. I'll admit we ain't +come to no final decision on our platform, but we air pretty generally +agreed on our candi_date_, and that's the Honrubble Andrew Jackson +Holloway--yourself, sir! That's why I am here to-day. When I heerd you +speakin' in court just now, I turned and says to Jim McGubbin, says I, +"That there's the voice that'll wake 'em up in Congress." I felt just +like the old feller in the Bible. The sperrit of prophecy was on me. And +Jim he agreed with me. Jim's got the Shawnee organization right under +his thumb, same as--'tween you and me--I've got H----. McGubbin's out +and out for Holloway. "Holloway and Reform!" That's our cry this year. I +seen Potter James and old Pete Whitehead over to Andrewville yesterday, +and they'll fetch their people in line for you all right. If you'll make +the run, we'll elect you sure; and that ain't no lie.' + +"Sale, a big man with a loud voice, impressive tones, and masterful +ways, overpowered me. + +"'Sit down, Mr. Sale,' I said weakly, 'sit down. Let us talk it over. +This nomination--it is a great honor, I am sure--I can scarcely tell you +how flattered--how----' + +"'Oh, that's all right, that's all right,' said he, beaming. 'I know'd +you'd be a little, well--flustered, eh?--when I fust broke the news to +you, and I don't say but what it isn't perfectly natural, too. These +things don't happen to a man every day, and especially to--beggin' your +pardon--to a man as young as yourself, sir. But the Democratic party of +the --th deestric' of Illinoy knows a good thing when they sees it.' +Sale's unconscious sarcasm hurt me. 'I have sounded them to the bottom,' +he went on, 'and it's Holloway, Holloway, Holloway, everywhere. Now +you'll let us put you up, won't you? There ain't no earthly doubt 'bout +your gettin' the nomination. Harrison may give old Colonel Harrison its +vote on the first ballot, just as a compliment, you know; and I'll admit +that down Hall City way there's some talk of Sile Munyon, but there +ain't nothin' to it. We'll prick the Munyon boom before it's bigger'n a +pea. We'll fix things, you bet. And we'll elect you, too! It's a good +job to hold down--that of being a Congressman; it ain't the office so +much as it is the purgatives that go with it. I'd like to go to Congress +myself. Maybe I will some day. Well, as I was goin' to say, I driv over +to the Courthouse Sunday, and saw the boys there, and I talked them into +the right way o' thinkin'. They are all O. K. + +"'There's a deal of grumblin' and dissatisfaction 'mongst the +Republicans just now. Sam Thorne ain't done the square thing by the gang +that 'lected him, and they are mighty sore over it. Washington's kinder +turned his head. He's got awful stuck up of late, and wears a +long-tailed coat and beaver hat all the time. And that 'pointment of Ben +McConnell postmaster of Liberty has hurt Thorne and the Republican party +a heap all over the deestric'. Ben McConnell never voted the Republican +ticket but twicst in his life. Up to two years ago he was a red-hot +Democrat, and no one down in their hearts, Republican or Democrat, has +any use for a turncoat. I take it all in all, he is the most onpopular +man in Illinoy to-day. His conduct is as hard to swaller as a dose of +them old Greek twins, Castor Oil and Politics, we use to wrastle with at +school. Of course in political life, like in ordinary life, you have to +eat a peck o' dirt before you die, but you don't have to eat it all at +oncst like he's a doin'! Why, old war-horses, Republicans all their +lives, were turned down for this here upstart! It's done the party a +deal of harm. And then, as I said before, Sam Thorne's confounded airs +is making everybody sick. No one ever thought anything of the Thornes +when I fust grew up. They wasn't no better'n any one else. Sam Thorne's +father was the clerk of the court at Liberty, and a darned poor one at +that, as I have often heard my father say. I went to school with Sam, +and many's the thrashin' I have given him, but that's neither here nor +there. + +"'Oh, we've got 'em this time, sure! Yes, they're going to run Thorne +again. He's got hold of a wad there in Washington, and can buy up the +whole convention if need be. I wouldn't trust any of them Republicans. +The Democratic party is above sech doin's. We stand for purity, +patriotism--the whole bag o' tricks! Ha, ha! And politics, I guess, is +like everything else. So long as you stick to the Thirteenth +Commandment, you'll get there without any trouble.' + +"'The Thirteenth Commandment'? + +[Illustration: "--Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!"] + +"'Yes, the Thirteenth--"Thou shalt not be found out," you know. Oh, +we'll fix the Thorne gang as sure's you're born to die! My luck'll carry +you through. It sure will! A chiropodist in Chicago once told me that +there was a terribul commotion in the heavens when I was born. Venus was +bit by the Dog Star--or some sech foolishness--all of which went to show +that I come on the earth at jest the right diabolical moment. And I +guess the fellow knew what he was a talkin' about, with his maps, and +charts, and things. Anyway, I've got no kick comin'. I have always had +the best o' good luck, and I'll pass it on to you.' + +"Sale was a good talker, and carried everything before him. Now and then +I managed to slip in a word or two in feeble protest, but he swept away +all my objections with the same easy movement that he chased off the +flies from his face. + +"When I looked at my watch it was ten minutes before two o'clock. Sale +was going out into the hot street, jubilant, and I was the more than +probable nominee of the Democratic party of the --th district for +Congress! I knew that Sale would make good his word; and, having given +it, I would stick to mine. But my tempter out of the way, I writhed and +groaned under my folly and weakness. I grabbed up my hat, and hurried +back to court as in a nightmare. The Hawley case went against me, but it +paled into insignificance by the side of my newer and greater +misfortune. + +"For Sale had hypnotized me! + +"Of course I was nominated. Nominated with shouts, and cat-calls, and +much unearthly clamor. Nominated on the second ballot to the eternal +confusion of the Munyon crowd, who afterward, I have been told, bolted +the ticket and voted solidly for my Republican opponent. I made a +speech, and was wildly cheered, then dragged in Lum Atkins's buggy to my +hotel by an army of yelling partisans. I was interviewed by reporters, +photographed by an enthusiastic young woman on the _Argus_ staff, and +made in every way to feel that I was one of the truly great. But I knew +otherwise. + +"In the months following I hobnobbed lovingly with every heeler, +ward-worker, and thug in that part of the State. My bar'l was tapped, +and well tapped. The stubs in my check-book are mutely eloquent. Then +the press got in its fine work. When the opposition sheets were through +with me not a shred of character had I left. I shivered in my moral +nakedness, one enterprising journal said, and that is just about what I +did. My public appearances--on the stump, and on the rostrum--afforded +rare fun for the other side. I was not an orator--never claimed to be +one--and of course they made the most of it. I spoke my little piece as +well as I could, but my opponent was known as 'The Silver-tongued +Demosthenes of Illinois'--or something like that--so where did I come +in? And how those newspaper fellows did enjoy it all! God bless them! +They have proven good friends of mine since, but their sharpened quills +were fiery darts to me in those days! + +"And I was otherwise discouraged. My encounter with big Bill Such of +Sangamon left him, as before, the undisputed rough and tumble champion +of middle Illinois. My people at home, too, were solidly against me. +Life-long Republicans, as they had always been, they felt that I had +disgraced them, and showed it very plainly. As the standard-bearer of a +party upon whose banners Victory had never perched, at least so far as +my district was concerned, I was indeed the leader of a forlorn and +ragged hope; but my blood was up, and I was determined at least to make +a better showing than any other Democrat had done. + +"But it was an expensive ambition. + +"Election day rolled around, and I spent the greater part of the time +driving to and from the polling places in my own county. I was +particularly anxious to carry H----, even though all the other counties +failed me. That would soften the blow to the family pride, I thought. +Not a morsel of food passed my lips during the whole of that trying +fifth of November. From sunrise to sunset I never left my buggy, except +once to vote, and at nightfall I was fairly done up. When all was over I +was too tired-out to await returns at headquarters, so I turned in quite +early, only venturing to hope that the fate of Judkins would not be +mine. For Judkins, a recent victim, had been so overwhelmingly defeated +in the spring elections that he had retired from the political arena in +disgust; anathematizing politics in general and the politics of the --th +district in particular. Then, in his weak and shattered condition, he +fell into the arms of the eldest Parsons girl, who had been stalking him +for, lo, these many years! + +"I slept as soundly as though trouble, sorrow, and Congressional +elections had never been; and in the morning came the surprise. + +"I was elected by an enormous majority! + +"I can not explain this phenomenon; they are still trying to do that out +my way. It was an upheaval, with the great Democratic party and its +astonished candidate very much on top. Its like will never occur again +in my State; not in my district, anyhow. A recent Republican gerrymander +will prevent that. Andrew Sale says he did it. Maybe he did; I don't +know." + +"It was Fate--f-a-t-e--Fate!" said Colonel Manysnifters, solemnly. +"There's no avoiding it. My sainted parents, both good Presbyterians in +their day, would doubtless have urged predestination. That may be it. +Your election to Congress was something you couldn't side-step. Nor, by +the same token, can I. Only when I am nominated, I don't worry any more. +There _is_ a general election, I believe, but that doesn't fret me much. +We have eliminated the opposition down our way--perfectly legal and +statutory. Oh, yes. There _are_ a few 'lily-white' votes cast on the +other side, they tell me,--sort of a registered kick for conscience's +sake, I suppose,--but it is just a matter of form, and nobody gets +excited over it. They are trifles lighter than air, yet-- + + "'Small things should not unheeded be, + Nor atoms due attention lack, + We all know well the miseree + Occasioned by an unseen tack!' + +"And again: + + "'Little drops of water, + Little grains of sand + Make contractors' mortar + That is used throughout the land.'" + +"Well," said Sammy Ridley, drawing a deep breath when the Colonel was +through, "I may be a damn fool, but I am no poet!" + + + + +VII + +REPRESENTATIVE VAN RENSSELAER UNFOLDS A STRANGE TALE + + +"And now, Van Rensselaer," said Colonel Manysnifters, "it's around to +you. I reckon you have something up your sleeve that will surprise us, +eh?" The debonair Congressman from the Empire State was quite equal to +the occasion. He seemed primed and ready, and needed no further urging. +There was another hiss of soda, the clink of glasses, and with a +prolonged sigh of satisfaction he began. + +"This is a true tale, and unfolded now for the first time. Harken unto +the evidence. + +"It was a lovely afternoon in early spring, and 'The Avenue' was alive +with a leisurely moving throng--for no one hurries in Washington. I +strolled along, thoroughly enjoying the balmy weather, the crowds, and +the charm of it all. About four o'clock hundreds of government clerks +streamed out sluggishly from the side streets. At the crossings fakirs +were busy, their customers good-naturedly elbowing each other in their +eagerness to be swindled. And violets everywhere! The air was filled +with the scent of them. Men, women, and children with trays piled high +with the tiny purple and white flowers were doing a tremendous business; +their customers ranging from dignified statesmen to the loudly dressed +Afro-American gayly swinging along. Out of the fashionable Northwest +came many carriages, passing from the grim shadow of the Treasury into +the sunlit way beyond. The trend of movement was eastward--always +eastward--toward the great white dome on the hill. Congress was in +session, and history was making there. The war debate was on in all its +fury, with the whole world listening breathlessly. Pictures of the +ill-fated _Maine_ were much in evidence, and maps of Cuba in the shop +windows were closely scanned. The probability of war with Spain was +loudly and boastfully discussed by seedy looking men in front of the +cheaper hotels and restaurants. Extra editions of the New York papers +with huge scare headlines were eagerly bought up. The latest news from +the Capitol--_via_ New York--was seized upon with avidity. The papers +were filled with the rumored departure of the American Consul-General +from Havana. 'Twas said that he was coming direct to Washington. His +portrait and the _Maine_ lithographs were hung side by side, and the +people spoke of 'Our Fitz' with enthusiastic affection. The President +and his Cabinet were roundly censured for their policy of moderation. +Much whiskey and beer was consumed by thirsty patriots. The pent-up +feeling of the people found relief here and there by loud +cheering--especially at the bulletin boards. Tiny Cuban flags were worn. +Crossed American and Cuban flags were everywhere displayed. + +"The De Lome incident--the intercepted letter of the imprudent Spanish +Minister, and his subsequent disgrace and recall--was another +much-discussed topic. It was an open secret, especially among the +newspaper fraternity and others in the know, that the former minister +had dispensed with lavish hand a corruption fund to influence writers on +the American press. A little clique of journalists in and around the +Capitol had profited greatly. Information about alleged filibuster +movements found a ready market at the Spanish legation. These, and a +dozen other subjects relative to the momentous events then impending, +occupied the thoughts of a highly excited public. + +"That walk down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Treasury to the Capitol +opened my eyes wider than ever to the fact that the popular clamor was +for war, war, the sooner the better. The sentiment in Washington voiced +that of the entire country. Similar scenes were occurring in all the +large cities, and I could fancy the crowd at the home post-office +waiting for the latest Buffalo papers, hear the warm debate at Steve +Warner's, and see Major Kirkpatrick haranguing the boys from the steps +of the city hall; which, in fact, he did. (See the Hiram _Intelligencer_ +of that date.) + +"Henley of Iowa had the floor when I took my seat in the House. The +galleries were filled. It was warm in the chamber, and fans, bright bits +of color, waved briskly. In the Diplomatic gallery the representatives +of many nations seemed anxious and absorbed. Subdued murmurs of +applause, like the hum of a mighty hive, arose at the telling points of +the speech, which was for war! war! war! The galleries reeked with +enthusiasm, and quailed not before the stern eye of the Speaker. + +"Notwithstanding Henley's fiery eloquence, I was desperately sleepy, +having been up late the night before; indeed, there were streaks of rosy +light in the eastern sky when I reached my hotel. I found myself nodding +at my desk, and it was with an effort that I turned to the work which +had accumulated before me. An enormous mail had arrived. The usual +place-hunting letters from constituents, a petition from the Women's +Christian Temperance Union of Hiram Center protesting against the sale +of liquor at the Capitol, invitations to dine, a tempting mining +prospectus, circulars without number, and at the bottom of the pile a +square blue affair with the Washington postmark. I gave it my immediate +attention. The letter began abruptly, and ran as follows: + + "'Ah, senor, have you forgotten Saratoga, and the little Mercedes? + Have you forgotten your promise to the Cuban girl? Surely not! The + pain in my heart you must well understand, for I know that _you_ + love _your_ country very dearly. I read your speeches--all of + them--I read them in the papers, but not a word for Cuba--my poor, + bleeding Cuba! And yet you swore to me that night on the veranda, + with the moon shining so softly through the vines, that your voice + would ever be raised for Cuba--Cuba Libre! Would I have kissed you + else? Now, dear friend, when you make one of your beautiful + speeches again, think of Cuba, my gasping, dying Cuba, and + + "'MERCEDES. + + "'P. S.--I am in Washington, at the Arlington.--M.' + +"This was interesting, to say the least. Of course, I remembered +Mercedes, and old Villasante, her fat papa, and Manuel the brother, and +Alejandro the cousin. Yes, I remembered them all very well and the night +on the veranda, with the moon shining softly through the vines, the +music floating out to us from the ballroom, the innumerable bumpers with +Manuel Villasante, Carlos Amezaga, Alejandro Menendez, and others of the +Cuban colony at the hotel. Also the promise made to my lovely partner as +to the voice for Cuba--Cuba Libre!--when I took my seat in Congress; the +warm pressure of her arms around my neck--and the kiss! How could I +forget it? But that was two summers ago, and my views now and then were +vastly different. Whatever I may have said under the combined witchery +of Mercedes, the moonlight, and the champagne was not to be seriously +considered now. Like all Americans and lovers of liberty, I thought of +course that Cuba should be free, that she should make every effort +toward that much-to-be-desired end, but the idea of my own country +stepping in to aid her did not strongly appeal to me. While Cuban +affairs elicited the warmest interest in the States, those of our people +who had actively assisted the patriots had become involved in endless +trouble both with the home government and that of Spain. Filibustering +was severely frowned upon, and many recent attempts had proven most +disastrous, jeopardizing both the lives of the 'patriots' and the +_entente cordiale_ between two great and friendly nations. The blowing +up of the _Maine_, undoubtedly the work of Cuban insurgents in order to +hasten hostilities with Spain, had rendered the situation most acute. +Pledged to the Administration, I was a conservative of conservatives. I +was therefore opposed to any interference in Cuban affairs, and I +regarded a conflict with Spain as the height of folly. I was determined +to fight to the bitter end any measure for war. + +[Illustration: The Kiss!] + +"With all this in mind, I tore up the fair Cuban's letter and threw it +into the waste-basket. At that very moment a page hurried to my side and +handed me a card. + +"Manuel Villasante was waiting to see me! + +"I went out to him most reluctantly. He greeted me with enthusiasm; his +delight amounting almost to rapture. I am afraid I did not meet him half +way, nor anywhere near it. He did not appear to notice it. + +"'My dear, dear friend,' said he, 'this is a sublime moment! To see +_you_, the gay companion, the good fellow, the butterfly, I may say, of +other days, a member of this great body is certainly soul-stirring! So +you have realized your ambition? What next? The Senate? And then--then?' +he pointed upward, 'higher yet? and still higher? Ha! The White House? +Who knows?' he whispered prophetically. + +"I cast my eyes modestly to the floor. + +"'This is quite enough for me, or any other good American; but, Senor, +tell me about your father and the Senorita, your sister; are they well? +And how long have you been in Washington? It is certainly good to see +you again.' + +"'We are all here for a few days--my father, my sister, and I. You know +we are living in New York this winter?' + +"'In New York, eh? Fine! It is strange,' I continued, 'but I was +thinking of you and your family the very moment your card was brought +in.' + +"'Ah, my friend,' he said mysteriously, 'you know what it is, do you +not? It is the mental telepathy. I have known of things most wonderful +to happen by the mental telepathy. Only yesterday my sister +Mercedes----' + +"'Quite right,' said I, heading him off, and remembering something I had +read not long before, 'it is indeed a wonderful, subtle thing. We live +in the midst of the unknown. Unseen forces drag us hither and thither. +At times we are brought face to face with the occult, the eerie, the +gruesome. Charcot says in his superb work on the subject +that--er--that--well, we will hardly go into it now. Some other time. +The matter is a profound one, and not to be touched upon lightly. How is +my old friend Alejandro Menendez?' + +"'He is well, but--sh! Caution! Are we quite safe here? Yes? It is a +great secret, but I tell _you_--you, a trusted friend. I tell you all! +Alejandro Menendez is at this very moment approaching the shores of our +beloved isle! I can see it now--the beautiful yacht, the calm blue sea, +the brave patriots, and our glorious flag floating in the breeze! And a +more magnificent body of men never set forth in a grander cause; with +hearts full of courage and high purpose to fight, aye, to die, in the +sacred cause of Liberty!' + +"'That's great!' said I, with a burst of false enthusiasm, 'great! never +heard anything better in my life! Villasante, old fellow, put it there! +I admire your ner--feeling!' And we clasped hands. + +"'And you will join them?' I added. + +"'No, not yet,' he said, with an expressive shrug; 'I am more needed +elsewhere; here--in New York. There is money to be raised, arms and +ammunition to be procured, sympathies to enlist, influence to gain. +Later, I will see Alejandro, and the beautiful _Sylph_.' + +"'The what?' I asked, rising excitedly. + +"'The _Sylph_--the _Sylph_--queen of vessels! Senor Robson's yacht. +Senor Robson--the tall handsome fellow who was with us at the Spa. You +know him.' + +"'Know him? Of course I know him! Robson? Robson a filibuster? +Impossible!' + +"'Why so?' asked the Cuban coldly. + +"'Hell, man!' I said, 'don't you realize what it all means?--certain +failure, disgrace, death! My God, what folly!' + +"'Never, never!' shouted Villasante, waving his arms. 'Glory awaits +them! The plaudits of the world! The embraces and blessings of a freed +people! Laurel wreaths shall crown their brows! Poets shall chant their +praises! History will render them immortal! Oh, what an opportunity is +theirs! And everything has been most carefully planned. 'Twas Robson's +own idea. A picked lot of men, with rifles and ammunition. He to command +the vessel; Menendez to assume the lead on landing. Their destination, +co-operation with the patriots on shore, supplies--everything has been +arranged for. As to their success, I have no fear whatsoever!' + +"I was aghast! The thought that my hare-brained cousin was engaged in +such a foolhardy expedition was maddening. I loved the boy as a +brother--indeed he _was_ my foster-brother, brought up in my own family, +and regarded as one of us. The Cuban studied my face curiously. + +"'Senor,' said he gravely, 'knowing your sentiments, I came here to-day +for advice. There is much more to be told. Every moment is precious. +To-morrow in New York----' + +"'Stop!' I thundered, 'you have gone too far already! There is some +mistake. You are laboring under a delusion. I will tell you frankly, +Villasante, that you misjudge me. Many things have happened since I saw +you at Saratoga two years ago. My views upon public questions have +changed, as a more intimate acquaintance with any subject is apt to +effect. I should like to see your country self-governed, the Spanish +yoke overthrown, and liberty in its best sense gained; but the United +States must keep her hands off! It would mean war with a friendly +nation, an ancient ally. In other words, there would be the Devil to +pay! Can't you see our position in the matter?' + +"'Caramba!' (or something like that) exclaimed Villasante excitedly, +walking up and down, and clenching his fists. 'Your country _must_ aid +us! We can not free ourselves--quite impossible! We are weak; Spain is +mighty! For centuries she has held us in her torturing grasp! It has +been a continual drain of our blood, our pride, our gold, and all that +goes to make for the self-respect and prosperity of a nation! Cuba is +desolated! She cries for aid--first to you; if unheeded, then to the +whole world! Shall the Pearl of the Antilles fall to Germany, France, or +England?' + +"'Not while the Monroe Doctrine is respected and enforced, as it will +be!' said I spread-eagle-ly. + +"'Your Monroe Doctrine, bah, I care not _that_ for it!' said he, +snapping his fingers. 'Let the United States look to herself if she +refuses to help us! As for you, Senor,' he continued in milder tones, +but with a threatening note, 'if, as you tell me, you are no longer our +friend, as a gentleman you will at least respect the secret that I have +so ill-advisedly betrayed to you. My kinsman's life, as well as that of +the Captain Robson, depend upon your silence. I rather think you will do +us no harm, eh?' And there he had me. If I was ever disposed to violate +his confidence, the fact that I would thereby jeopardize my young cousin +would effectually deter me. I assured the tempestuous fellow that his +secret was safe with me, and after a few moments we parted, with a great +show of politeness on both sides. I was glad to have him go. + +"Again back in my seat my reflections were anything but pleasing. It was +harrowing to think of Charlie Robson so completely in the power of these +desperadoes, his probable fate, and the grief of his family and friends. +And what could I do to save him? My hands were completely tied. + +"The Villasante family and I were under the same roof, all of us being +at the Arlington, but I hoped to avoid seeing them. Certainly, after my +talk with Manuel, a meeting would be anything but agreeable. With these +and a thousand other perplexing thoughts I left the House, hailed a cab, +and was hurried to my hotel. + +"While dressing for dinner there came a discreet knock at the door, and +Manuel Villasante glided in. + +[Illustration: Manuel Villasante.] + +"I was distinctly annoyed. + +"'Pardon this intrusion, Senor,' he said courteously, 'also what I may +have said to you this afternoon. I was excited--distressed--wounded to +the heart! Perhaps I forgot myself. Let us forget it all, and be good +friends once more,' and he held out his hand with a smile. I took it. +There was something very winning about the fellow, and he made me feel +sorry and ashamed. Somehow all the blame shifted over to me. We shook +hands warmly. + +"'Now,' he said, 'you are the bon comrade I knew at Saratoga. Let it +always be so. My father and sister are waiting below and long to see +you. Perhaps you will dine with us? We will consider ourselves +fortunate.' + +"We went down to the parlors and found Mercedes and her father. She was +as beautiful as ever, and the old fellow was the same courtly, polished +man of the world as of yore; a little grayer and more rat-like, perhaps, +but showing no other signs of advancing age. Mercedes was a trifle more +plump than when I last saw her, but not unbecomingly so. What a +magnificent creature she was! + +[Illustration: Papa Villasante.] + +"My Cuban friends had much to say about their life in New York, the many +flattering attentions received from friends and acquaintances, the +opera, the shops, and other delights of metropolitan life. The Senorita +said she preferred New York to Paris; so did her papa and brother. They +loved America and everything American. + +"The dinner was a delight. Afterward we went to the theatre. The +excitement in the streets did not escape the notice of the Cubans. Nor +did the flag of Cuba Libre picked out in electric lights over the +entrance of a restaurant near the theatre, nor other significant sights +and sounds. But they warily held their peace. I looked for some show of +feeling, but there was none. A tete-a-tete with Mercedes was out of the +question, and for this I fervently thanked the gods! There was no +telling the havoc that bewitching face might have wrought. Principles, +opinions, and theories might have withered and fallen utterly consumed +beneath the fire of those ardent glances and the magic of that caressing +voice! So it was all for the best. + +"After the play there was supper, and then we returned to the hotel. +Parting with the Senorita at the elevator, not without a tender pressure +of her jeweled fingers,--ah me!--I proposed to the father and son that +we go to my club, a few staggers away. They consented and we ambled +leisurely along, the streets now quite deserted. The night was fine; +clear, and unusually warm for the season. We moved along silently, +enjoying our cigars; at peace with ourselves and all the world. As we +approached H Street I was roughly seized by the collar, a gag thrust +into my mouth, and turning in amazement was felled by a terrible blow +from a cane--Papa Villasante's cane! While on the pavement, stunned and +bleeding, blows and kicks were rained upon my face and shoulders by the +pair, who were evidently bent upon killing me. Then Manuel drew a long, +deadly looking knife! I caught its hideous gleam in the semi-light as it +was about to descend, and then I lost consciousness! + + * * * * * + +"An interested and amused group surrounded me when I opened my eyes and +realized that the end was not yet. Hillis, of Kentucky, Campbell, of +Ohio, Reyburn, of Texas, and many others were grouped about my desk in +mock solemnity. A loud laugh arose as I staggered to my feet; for I +alone, of a vast gathering, had slept soundly through one of the most +exciting debates in parliamentary history! Through it all--the battle +raging around me, and the House swept as by a great storm. Through it +all, yea, even unto the adjournment!" + +"A very pretty tale, and one to be remembered," observed Colonel +Manysnifters thoughtfully. "_I_ never had an adventure like that, +because I am awfully careful about what I eat and drink, and I roost at +chicken-time. There's no telling what will happen to a man when he +violates Nature's laws. Night is made for sleep, and the three hours +before midnight count for more than all the rest." + +"And yet, Colonel," remonstrated Van Rensselaer, "by your own admission +just now----" + +"You mean my outing with the 'Jewels,' I suppose. That, my friend, is +the solitary exception that proves the rule. That little adventure +simply confirmed yours truly in his belief of the old maxim learned at +Mammy's knee, that + + "'Early to bed and early to rise, + Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!' + +"I may misquote, but it will do. Old Sol has scarce seemed to illumine +the Western heavens ere I seek my humble couch. And yet I do not pose as +a saint. But stop! If I do not greatly err, the junior Senator from +Massachusetts seems restless and eager-eyed. I think he would like to +take the floor. I know the signs, having often observed just such a +readiness in many a good man before." + +Senator Wendell, blushing, denied the charge, but when urged by all +present responded gamely. + +"I really think I have no story to tell that would interest you. My life +has been cast upon very hum-drum matter-of-fact lines, and I can recall +no startling incident. In my native town there is a shop-keeper who, +when he is out of any article called for, tells his customers to wait a +moment while he sends the boy over to the warehouse,--the 'warehouse' +being the larger and more prosperous establishment of a rival just +around the corner,--and the boy never returns empty-handed. I shall have +to imitate my worthy friend; so pardon me just a moment." And the +Senator left us and went to his room. He soon returned with some papers. + +"I am, as perhaps you know, connected with the ---- Magazine, and this +is one of the many manuscripts that reach our office every day. These +things, with a very few exceptions, are promptly returned to their +authors--provided, of course, that sufficient postage for that purpose +is enclosed. This particular effort is as yet under advisement. Perhaps +the tale will interest you. It is called 'The Creaking of the Stairs,' +and is rather out of the ordinary. You may fancy it." + + + + +VIII + +SENATOR WENDELL READS "THE CREAKING OF THE STAIRS" + + +"After four years of luxury at the Capital there came a most disastrous +change in the Administration and I lost my rather exalted position under +the government. This was all the greater shock, for I had cherished the +comforting idea that I was protected to some extent by the Civil Service +law. However, when I recovered from the first effects of the blow I +looked the situation squarely in the face, and was content with a stray +crumb which fell from the opposition table. I had still some influence +to command, and after superhuman exertion managed to secure a +twelve-hundred-dollar clerkship. + +"My wife, always cheerful under the most trying circumstances, was fully +equal to this occasion. + +"'Well, my love,' said she, 'of course we must give up everything here, +and that will be a little trying for a while, I'll admit, but we should +be thankful that you are not thrown out altogether,' adding with a tinge +of melancholy, 'I don't think, though, that I could bear to live in +Washington after the change. Suppose we try A---- for a while.' + +"A---- is over in Maryland, about six miles from town, and very +convenient trains are run between the two places. One can live quite +comfortably there for very little, so my wife's suggestion was quickly +adopted. + +"'It reminds me of dear, dear Salem,' she said some weeks later, 'and +rents are so cheap. Think of the ridiculously small price we pay for +this house.' + +"'Suspiciously small, you mean,' said I gloomily, not at all reconciled +to my wife's choice of abode. But as my feeble protest was treated with +silence I held my peace. 'Anything for a quiet life' has ever been a +favorite conceit with me. + +"Mrs. Ploat had taken an old-fashioned house in Queen Anne Street, large +enough for a family of twenty persons. Now, as my household consisted of +only my wife, her unmarried sister, and myself, I could not understand +what was wanted with such capacious quarters. But I had no say in the +matter. My wife fancied the house, it seemed to me, on account of its +colonial air, wide halls, huge high-ceilinged rooms, and general lack of +modern improvements. + +"I never liked the house in Queen Anne Street, though this aversion was +apparently unreasonable, for we were cosy enough after the throes of +moving in and settling down were over. But it struck me from the start +that there was something decidedly uncanny about the place, and a vague +feeling of uneasiness became very keenly defined in me whenever I heard +the creaking of the stairs. + +"The stairs throughout the house had an infernal habit of creaking--one +after another--as if somebody was coming up or down. At first I thought +it was the rats that infested the old mansion in legions; but I +abandoned this idea after a few experiments which proved conclusively +that the creaking sounds could only be made by a person or thing quite +as heavy, if not heavier, than myself--then tipping the beam at one +hundred and eighty pounds. + +"In the course of time I became personally acquainted with each stair in +the Queen Anne Street house, and especially with those in the main +flight. Business, or pleasure, often compelled me to keep late hours, +and on such occasions, on arriving home, I would naturally try to reach +my room as quietly as possible. With my shoes in my hand, and by a +series of agile leaps from one less noisy stair to another, I usually +succeeded in attaining the upper part of the house without much +disturbance. + +"The annoying sounds occurred at all hours, but were of course more +noticeable at night. I am a light sleeper, and was invariably awakened +by them, and this, with the loud ticking of a grandfather's clock on the +first landing, usually banished further slumber, and I would arise at +daybreak, weary and unrefreshed. The clock was finally stopped, after a +heated discussion with my wife and sister-in-law, who regarded it with +something akin to reverence. It was indeed a venerable affair. I hated +the thing even when it was quiet, for it reminded me of a coffin set on +end, and I would pass it in the dark hurriedly, and with averted face. + +"I do not think that either my wife or sister-in-law ever heard the +creaking of the stairs. If they did they never said anything about it to +me. For my part, I was silent, because I did not want to be laughed at +by my womenkind, and I knew also that if the matter reached the ear of +our only servant she would immediately take her departure. Help is not +easy to obtain in A----, and if it were known that our home was haunted +we would be obliged to do all our own drudgery in future. + +"This state of things continued nearly a year. Occasionally, for a week +or two at a time, the creaking stopped altogether. In these intervals I +slept well and improved in every way, but when the disturbances returned +I became more depressed and gloomy than ever. My health was wretched at +the time, and I felt that I was gradually breaking down. + +"At last I determined to call upon my landlord, Doctor Matthai, and lay +the trouble before him. He was born and raised in the house, and I +thought it probable that he could solve the mystery, or at least suggest +a remedy. Doctor Matthai lived just across the way in a quaint cottage +covered with great climbing roses and set well back in a prim garden, +with hollyhocks and hedges of box, and an ancient sun-dial which was my +wife's never-ending delight. + +"The doctor was a short, thick-set, heavily whiskered gentleman, and +looked more like a retired man of affairs than the prosy recluse that he +was; but he had long since ceased to take any active interest in life, +and gave himself up entirely to scientific study and research of a more +or less abstruse nature. A useless sort of existence, it seemed to me, +as mankind was never destined, nor intended, to reap the benefits of his +labor. His sister kept house for him, and had full charge of all his +business matters. The doctor owned considerable property, and Miss +Regina proved a capable manager; as a collector of rents she certainly +had no equal--to that I can cheerfully testify. She was not popular in +A----, nor was her eccentric brother. Unpleasant tales were told about +Matthai. I never knew all the particulars, but they had something to do +with the murder of a slave in antebellum days. The townsfolk were +extremely reticent on the subject, and very mercifully so, for, as I +have since learned, the tragedy occurred in our house in Queen Anne +Street. + +"I found Doctor Matthai in his library, immersed in study as usual; +quite out of the world so far as every-day happenings were concerned. He +greeted me rather coldly. + +"'I beg your pardon,' said I, 'but I have come to see you about the +house.' + +"'My sister, Regina----' he interrupted. + +"'Yes, I know,' said I, 'but this visit is to _you_, though I fear you +will look upon what I have to say as very nonsensical and farfetched. To +me, though, it is a very serious matter.' + +"I dwelt at length upon the grievance; putting it as strongly as +possible. The doctor listened attentively, and when I concluded, laughed +and said, 'I believe you fully as to the creaking of the stairs, but you +attach entirely too much importance to it. The noise results, I have no +doubt, from perfectly natural causes. You must remember, sir, that the +stairways are very old indeed, any jar from the movement of persons in +other parts of the house, the action of the wind against the walls, or +the rotting or shrinking of wood from age will produce just such sounds +as you have heard. I quite fail, therefore, to see any mystery about +it.' + +"'However,' he continued, 'I will send a carpenter around who will +probably set things to rights; that is, if the expense be not too great. +I am not prepared to put a large sum of money on the house; and +stairways, you know, are costly arrangements at best.' I fully agreed +with him. + +"'By the way,' said he, blinking at me through his thick glasses, 'there +is just a bit of nervousness in your make-up, isn't there? "A little off +your feed," as Regina says; liver out of shape--something of that sort, +eh?' I confessed that that was just it. I frankly told him that I was +not only a nervous man, but a miserably sick and frightened one to boot. +He did not offer to prescribe for me, and after some moments of silence +I judged that he considered our interview at an end. I arose to go, but +on leaving the room fired a parting shot, which, to my surprise, proved +a telling one. + +"'Doctor,' said I, 'before you send the man to make repairs I would like +you to hear the creaking of the stairs for yourself--just as a matter of +curiosity. My wife and sister-in-law are going up to the old home in a +few days. Suppose you come over and spend a night with me while they are +away.' + +"The doctor chuckled, 'You are a queer fellow, Mr. Ploat; a queer +fellow, and no mistake. You say you are run down, played out, can't +sleep. Take more exercise, sir; give up late suppers, drink less, stop +smoking. A man leading the sedentary life you do should take more care +of himself. I am older than you are, and a physician. My advice may be +worth something. As to coming over and staying with you, I don't see +that there is anything in that. It seems absurd, quite so; but +nevertheless, I will humor you. Let me know when to come, but on no +account say anything of this to my sister. My absence would greatly +alarm her. I have not been out of this house after dark for over forty +years!' + +"With this strange assertion our conversation closed. + +"The following Monday my wife and sister-in-law left for Salem, and +Doctor Matthai promised to be with me on Wednesday night. When I found +myself alone in the house I resolved to put into execution an idea which +struck me with much force. I thought it very likely that I would find +out whether the creaking of the stairs was of human or supernatural +origin; and this I hoped would be made plain before the doctor came +over. That the noise was due to natural causes, as he so adroitly +suggested, I, in my heart of hearts, could not bring myself to believe. +Poe is my favorite author, and he perhaps could have suggested a +solution of the perplexities that beset me; but no inspiration came to +me from the oft-read pages which I turned over and over in despair. + +"My plan was a simple one, and it was odd that I had not thought of it +before; but after all, it would have been impracticable as long as my +wife and sister-in-law were in the house. + +"On Tuesday night I sprinkled a thin layer of flour over each stair, +from basement to attic. This was a task of an hour or so, but I felt +that I did not labor in vain. Then I turned in and slept soundly until +midnight, when I was awakened as usual by the creaking of the stairs. It +is hardly necessary to say that I remained in bed, making no attempt +whatever to investigate, but valiantly drew up the covers over my head, +fully expecting every moment to feel the weight of a dreadful hand upon +some portion of my body. + +"In the morning, my bravery having returned, I found upon each stair the +clear impression of a naked human foot! The footprints were very large, +and were made in ascent. There was no trace of them beyond the third +floor, for the flour on the stairway to the attic above had been +partially brushed off as by a trailing garment. The attic was perfectly +bare, affording no hiding-place for man or beast, as there were no +closets, presses or means of concealment of any kind. My visitor may +have gone out by way of the trap door in the loft which opened upon the +roof, but it was securely bolted on the inside, and the bolts, which +were caked with rust in their fastenings, had evidently not been pulled +out for years. I made a thorough search of the attic, the loft, and the +upper floors of the house, but failed utterly to discover any further +trace of the prowler. + +[Illustration: "--Upon each stair the clear impression of a naked human +Foot!"] + +"I hardly knew whether to feel relieved or not when I learned that the +unknown was no ghost after all. Certainly not the vapory, unsubstantial +kind that flit through mansions such as mine. Here was a being of solid, +nay, gigantic proportions, as the creakings and huge footprints fully +attested. I knew, though, that I would assuredly have the best of Dr. +Matthai should he (or she) of the massive feet see fit to appear on the +coming night. + +"After carefully sweeping up the floor I shut up the house, and resolved +to keep my own counsel. I breakfasted in Washington that morning, +having, for obvious reasons, given our servant a holiday, and returned +to A---- about five in the afternoon; dining later with Doctor Matthai, +who met me at the station and very hospitably insisted upon my going +home with him. Shortly after dinner I bade my host and his sister +good-evening and went over to my own deserted dwelling. An hour or so +after, Doctor Matthai came in. Both of us were armed, and I thought it +singular that the doctor, who appeared to treat the whole affair as a +joke, should have taken that precaution. We sat by the open fire in my +dining-room, smoking; the doctor lingering somewhat mournfully upon the +departed greatness of A---- which, it seems, had once been a town of +considerable social and commercial importance. With reminiscence and +ancedote the hours sped by, and it was nearly midnight when we retired. + +"The doctor, sharing my bed, asked me to arouse him if I heard anything +during the night. I slept fairly well until the clock on the mantel +struck two, when I awoke with a start. Complete silence reigned, and I +rolled over again for another nap. As I did so I heard a faint creaking +sound on the upper stair! + +"'Ah,' thought I, 'it is coming down.' And so it proved. I gave the +doctor a violent nudge. He opened his eyes and looked at me stupidly. + +"'Hush,' I whispered, 'don't you hear it? Don't you hear it?' + +"'Yes, I do,' replied he, sitting up and peering into the darkness. + +"Creak! Creak! Creak! Nearer 'It' came, and our floor was reached. +Clutching his revolver, Doctor Matthai sprang out of bed and ran to the +door. Then a horrible scream of terror and anguish rang through the +house. An invisible hand seemed to drag the unfortunate man out of the +room. There was a brief, desperate struggle on the landing, the creature +went heavily down the stairs, and the street door shut with a bang! + +"When I recovered to some extent from the panic of fear and trembling +into which I was thrown by this awful and inexplicable occurrence, I +hurriedly dressed, and seeing nothing of the doctor, went over at once +to his cottage. Remembering his caution about Miss Regina, and not +wishing to otherwise frighten her, I ran around to the alley at the rear +of the grounds and climbed over the fence. The doctor's library and +bedroom were adjoining apartments on the ground floor, and the long, low +windows of each opened upon a porch at the side of the house. All the +blinds were closed and securely fastened. I knocked on them several +times, but there was no response, though a dim light was burning in the +library. I heard some one moving inside, and for a moment I thought I +heard the sound of voices in angry argument or expostulation. But of +this I cannot be positive. I remained on the porch at least ten minutes, +vainly trying to get into the rooms, then I gave it up and left the +premises. + +"My state of mind after the harrowing events of the night was indeed +distressing. I did not--could not--return home. I have an indistinct +recollection of walking swiftly up and down the deserted streets and far +out into the country. Daylight found me several miles from the town; +hatless, wild-eyed, a sorry spectacle, at whom one or two farmers, on +their way to early market, gazed in amazement. When I turned back, the +sun was high in the heavens. I went again to Doctor Matthai's. A crowd +stood about the door. I was rudely seized and placed under arrest, +charged--oh, my God!--with the murder of Doctor Matthai! The shockingly +mutilated body had just been found in the hallway of the old house in +Queen Anne Street! * * * I am innocent, innocent! Weeks--they seem +centuries--pass, and I yet await trial. * * * + + * * * * * + +"George Delwyn Ploat, the writer of the above remarkable story, was +hanged in the jailyard at A---- for the wilful and brutal murder of +Doctor Ambrose Matthai, a retired practitioner of that place. The plea +of insanity, so strongly urged by the prisoner's counsel, proved +unavailing, and the condemned man paid the penalty for his crime on +Friday morning last." + + * * * * * + +"You know what a story like that demands, I suppose," said Colonel +Manysnifters, reaching for the button; "and as I seem to be the +self-appointed chairman here, I will now call upon the gentleman from +Michigan for a few remarks. I am sure that he will not disappoint us. +Senator, we are waiting for you, sir." + +"Very well," said Senator Hammond, "since there seems to be no escape, I +will do the best I can." + + + + +IX + +SENATOR HAMMOND'S EXPERIENCE + + +"The facts that I am about to relate occurred many years ago while I was +on a visit to relatives in Charleston, South Carolina. The old house +where I was a guest stands on the Battery, and with its beautiful +gardens is still one of the show places of the city. + +"It was on a warm Sunday afternoon, and I found myself alone in the +house, the family and servants at church, and a brooding stillness that +presaged the approach of a storm, settling over all. At that time I was +a dreamy, romantic, long-haired youth with all sorts of notions about +the artistic temperament, carelessness in dress, and painting miniatures +for a living. They told me I had some talent, and I believed them +thoroughly. + +"I had wandered in from the garden, my hands full of flowers for the +vases in the library, when a sudden gust of wind tore through the wide +hall, the door shut with a bang, and I found myself face to face with my +ancestors. Grim gentlemen with somber faces, simpering almond-eyed +beauties in cobwebby laces; and in the place of honor a frowning hag, +whose wrinkles even the flattering painter dare not hide. Time had added +to the sallowness of her complexion, and certain cracks in the canvas +but intensified her ugliness. Artistic cracks they were, too, for they +fell in just the right places, and heightened the general effect +amazingly. + +"Doubtless it was from this person, thought I, that I inherited my +rather nasty temper and other moral and mental infirmities. I gazed at +the lady long and earnestly, for as an ardent believer in heredity I +felt that here I had the key to a problem which often worried me. I +resolved to look her up at once in the family records. + +"But I was saved that trouble. + +"'Young man,' piped a high, thin voice close at hand, 'in my day it was +considered boorish in the extreme to stare at any one as you are now +doing. No gentleman, I am sure, would have been guilty of such a thing. +But these modern manners, and modern ways are quite beyond me. Perhaps +it is the mode nowadays to ape the rude youths who hung about the London +playhouses in my time. N'est'ce pas?' + +"I felt decidedly uncomfortable. + +"'Pardon me, I----' + +"'Stop!' said the voice, which came from the ugly one in the corner, +'stop, if you please! Don't attempt to apologize or explain; it takes +too much time, and time with me is very precious just now. You see,' she +added in milder tones, 'when one is allowed to have a say only once in a +century, and but fifteen minutes at that, one naturally wants to do all +the talking. That's perfectly reasonable, is it not? So keep quiet, my +dear, and listen to me. No interruptions, if you please. + +"'I am Margaret Holmead, your blood relation. You have the Holmead +figure, and coloring, and I knew you were one of us as soon as you came +into the room. Well. + +"'Do you see that hussy in the ruff over there? That is Mary Darragh, +Lady Benneville, my bitterest, bitterest enemy! See how she smiles at +me! Deceitful minx! When I tell you all you will surely take her out of +the room and fling her into the fire! For sixty years she has hung there +taunting me. They brought her down from the hall above just to spite me, +I do believe. 'Twas done in your grandfather's time. He was a Benneville +all over, and of course had no use for me. So for sixty long years I +have had to face Mary Darragh and submit to her impertinence, and I tell +you I am sick of it! Why do I hate her? For a very good reason, sir. Let +me tell you about it. + +"'My troubles began at the Duchess of Bolton's ball, long before I came +to this dreadful America. The King was there, and Lady Morley-Frere. If +my voice trembles as I mention their names, it is with rage I assure +you, and no wonder--for God knows that between them they played me a +scurvy trick! Yes, these two were there, and Lord Benneville, my cousin, +the handsomest man in all England--indeed, in all the world, I thought. +He was tall and slight, with wavy hair, light brown, almost golden, in +the sunlight. His eyes were gray, a lovely shade, though those who hated +him swore 'twas green. A clever supple swordsman, and to the fore in all +the rough games that men delight in. His face was very winsome, yet +often swept by varying moods. I have seen it hard and stern, and again +alight with the keenest appreciation of one of my Lord Kenneth's +witticisms. And, too, I have seen it tender, pleading, and melancholy +almost unto tears. Ah me! + +"'Lord Kenneth, older by several years; taller, darker, soured by a +great disappointment--so 'twas said--loved my Lord Benneville with all +the affection his selfish nature allowed. And Benneville returned it +frankly, in his open boyish fashion. They were ever together, and their +adventures and daring escapades more than once nearly threw them into +serious trouble. But what cared they, crack-brained as they were? Why, +on one pitch dark night, masked and mounted, my Lords Kenneth and +Benneville held up the Royal Mail, frightened the passengers almost to +death, and alarmed the whole countryside; sober folk who thought the +Devil himself was abroad! But the King only smiled indulgently, and +nothing came of it save much gossip at court. They were merry days for +all of us; balls and routs, and parties on the river, the King so +handsome and debonair, and the world so bright with sunshine and +happiness. Youth, my dear, is a great thing; what is there to compare +with it? + +"'But I am losing time. I must hasten to the ball at the Duchess's. 'Tis +hardly fair, this terrible silence they have imposed upon me. A century +at a stretch--think of it! + +"'I looked my best that night, at least every one said I did, and I had +my mirror to tell me so too. My gown was a wondrous figured thing from +the Indies--a soft, clinging, silken stuff that became me well. Royalty +sent an armful of great purple blossoms, strange in shape and smelling +ravishingly. My clever Prue spent hours on my hair, with the little +Lafitte for the finishing touches. My father was waiting below, and his +eyes shone with joy when he saw me; for he was proud, very proud of his +only daughter. + +"'The King patted my cheek and said such pretty things, and kissed me. +Little did I know what was to follow! Child, beware of Princes and +princely favor, for therein lies destruction! + +"'The night wore on, and the affair became gayer and more crowded. I had +been much with my Lord Benneville, who seemed quiet and preoccupied, yet +very tender and sweet withal. At that time there existed an +understanding between Arthur and me. Nothing announced as yet, for my +lover feared the King. His Majesty, of late, had been singularly +attentive to me. In fact, so marked had this been that the Queen's +manner toward me became more distant every day; thanks to Lady +Morley-Frere, Mary Darragh, and the other busybodies who had the royal +ear, and hated me. If I coquetted with the King 'twas but to see my +heart's real master frown, and his face grow wan and sad, for by those +very tokens I knew that he loved me. + +"'As I say, something was wrong with my dear Lord that night, and after +I had danced twice with the King, and once with the old Duke, Benneville +came to claim me. He took me away from the throng into a little gilded +room with scattered tables for cards, and there we were quite to +ourselves. + +"'"My darling," said he, "the King has honored me with a very special +mission. His Majesty deems that of all his loving subjects I am the best +fitted for this most important business," and my lover's voice +hoarsened, and there was hatred in his face. "I start at once for that +far city where the Grand Turk holds court. It is a long journey, and a +hard; and who can say when I will return? I have feared this all along, +sweetest one, and I have tried in vain to put off the evil day; and yet, +by Heaven, I will thwart him! You shall be Lady Benneville before +sunrise! And you will, dearest?" + +"'He took me in his arms. I was trembling from head to foot; fearful, +yet joyous. Mine is an emotional nature. But his next words sent a chill +through me. + +"'"Lady Morley-Frere has promised to help me. You must leave the palace +with her, and drive straight to St. Stephens-in-the-Fields. She has +arranged it all, like the dear, clever woman she is. As for me, I am in +Kenneth's hands." + +"'"No! No!" I cried out suddenly, quite aghast. "Not Lord Kenneth! O +God; not that man!" I feared and hated Robert, Lord Kenneth, and knew +well that he had no liking for me. "Not Lord Kenneth," I urged. + +"'"He is my friend," said Lord Benneville gravely. + +"'So what more could I say? + +"'"Your father has gone home, tired out," he said, by all this +frivolity, but Lady Morley-Frere will keep you to the end; and then to +Morley House with her. That at least is what she told him, and he seemed +well content." + +"'I nodded passively, but wondered, knowing as I did my father's +especial detestation for Lady Morley-Frere. Why, they scarcely spoke! +But of course my Arthur knew. There was no further time for parley, +however, as several of the guests, upon gaming bent, invaded our +retreat, and we returned to the ballroom. + +"'Old Lady Morley-Frere gave me a meaning look when we met at supper, +but had only the opportunity to whisper in passing, "At two o'clock; the +little door under the green lanthorn." I knew the place well, having +often taken chair there when the crowd pressed in front. Two o'clock +came, and we succeeded in leaving the palace quite unobserved, thanks to +the private door. It was bitterly cold and snowing hard, and we had +scarce left the court-yard when I fell to shivering, my teeth clicking +like castanets. Lady Morley-Frere, seeing my plight, held out a silver +flask, and from the depths of her cloak growled out, "Drink, drink! +'Twill set you right in a trice. 'Tis hot and spiced, and good for you." +I obeyed her. I had hardly swallowed it before a delicious warmth stole +over me, and every nerve tingled with pleasure. I sank back into the +cushions revived--exalted! Then I fell asleep. Oh, the shame of it! The +shame of it! A thousand curses upon a tipple that caused such woe! May +eternal perdition be the portion of the giver! + +"'Strong arms enfolded me when I came to my senses. My Benneville, I was +sure of it! + +"Darling," I murmured, still feeling strangely, "I have come to you. +Yes, out of the storm have I come to you! Like a weary, drenched bird, I +seek rest in thy dear arms! Kiss me, my dearest, kiss me!" + +"'He kissed me again and again ... How can I go on?... There was a sound +of smothered laughter--the irritating laugh of a woman I hated.... His +face was close to mine.... I opened my eyes.... Oh, God! It was the +King! + +"'In my rage and confusion I flung him from me, and fell, half-fainting, +to the floor. Then I heard my Lord Benneville say brokenly, as one +crushed by awful trouble, "Your Majesty is right. I pray you forgive my +harsh words of yesterday. Fool, fool that I am to have been so tricked! +O my Liege, my Liege, death would have been far preferable to this!" And +then my dear Lord, sobbing, went out into the gray dawn, and out of my +life forever! + + * * * * * + +"'They took me from the King's chamber, and revived by the sharp air in +the street I managed to grope my way to my father's house. To _him_ I +told nothing, for he was proud of me, and should I have killed him? Yet +he was much perplexed at my determination, for I never showed my face at +court again!' + +"My relative's voice, growing weaker every moment, flickered and died +out in a hissing whisper just as the silver chime over the mantel +proclaimed that her time was up. Then I must have awakened. + +"It may have been a dream, but so impressed was I by the old lady's +story that all the rest of the week I searched for further light upon +it. Into old carven chests I dived, opening package after package of +mouldy papers. In the attic trunks and boxes were rifled, until at last, +about to give up in despair, I found in an old desk a letter. It was in +French with the Benneville crest and seal, brown with age, and by no +means easy to decipher. The place of writing, and the date, quite beyond +human ken, so frayed and stained was the upper margin. Freely +translated, the letter read: + + "'My Dear Old Bobby: + + "'Here we are, safe and sound. And what can I say to you, friend of + friends? This last scrape was the worst of all; was it not? Worse + by far than the affairs with the little Italian, or the fat + Princess, eh, Bobby, my boy? Our heartfelt thanks to his Majesty, + God bless him! and to Lady Morley-Frere, and to your dear self--our + eternal love! Oh, Bobby, the thought of marrying that sour-visaged + cousin of mine makes me ill, even now! And yet--at the time, before + I told you--I felt myself slowly drifting into it. The ground + seemed to be slipping from under my feet, as it were. I felt wholly + lost--trapped, by Jove! She was very determined. We are here with + the Ambassador until the affair blows over. My sweetest Mary joins + me in love. + + "'Ever your affectionate friend, + + "'BENNEVILLE.'" + +"A dirty low trick of that fellow Benneville, I must say," said Colonel +Manysnifters disgustedly. "That sort of thing could never have happened +in these days. Did they ever move the Darragh woman's picture out of the +room?" he asked. + +"I believe so--some years later," replied Senator Hammond dryly; "in +fact, they were _all_ moved out, and hurried into the up-country for +safe-keeping. That was about the time that we boys in blue were making +it particularly unpleasant for the residents of that part of the State. +I never knew the fate of the collection. I have not been South since +'64." + +"Well, anyway, Senator," said the Colonel, "I see you have got a line on +your ancestors, and that's more than many of us can say. I've never +bothered about mine. Descendants are bad enough. My forebears came over +to America years ago as ballast--didn't have any names, just numbers, +mostly thirteen and twenty-three! That old lady you were telling us +about certainly got it in the neck, and I hope that she will even +matters up in the other world. If she hasn't, by the time I get there I +will do all I can to help her out--always assuming, of course, that I am +going to the same place. + +"Now, if you gentlemen of the press will kindly step to the front and +favor us with your yarns we will all be mightily obliged to you. I have +heard nothing from any of you since 'way back in the dining-car. Some +observation about the moon, I believe." + +Mr. Callahan, the dean of the corps, blushed slightly. + +"It was O'Brien who got off the spiel about the moon. _I_ have outgrown +that sort of thing. In my younger days I might have--well, we won't be +hard on O'Brien. He is not a bad fellow at heart, and I believe he will +try to do better in future. Now, as it seems to be my turn at +word-painting, I am going to tell you of an affair that occurred in +Washington a few years ago. It has to do with a well-known society girl, +an irascible father, a bad Chinaman, and a high collar--seemingly +irreconcilable elements, I'll admit, but I will do my best to mix 'em +in. I had the story in sections from most of the parties concerned; a +wide acquaintance with the police and an intimate knowledge of the +Chinese quarter helping out considerably. The odds and ends, pieced +together, make, I hope, a hearable tale." + + + + +X + +MR. CALLAHAN'S STORY + + +"My story begins, then, on a bright Sabbath afternoon in mid-autumn when +Miss Janet Cragiemuir left her home in K Street and set out leisurely +upon her walk to Bethany Church, where she revelled in her latest fad. +She had recently taken a class in the Chinese Sunday-school. The good +work began at three o'clock, and as it was nearly that hour, groups of +Chinamen stood out on the sidewalk chattering as only Celestials can. +They greeted Miss Cragiemuir with grave courtesy when she approached, +and shuffled lazily out of her way as she swept past. She was followed +into the building by her three scholars, one of whom presented her with +a small package which was accepted with some reluctance. Then a brief +whispered argument took place between the two, the Chinaman appearing to +have decidedly the best of it, for he displayed his broken, yellow teeth +in a hideous grin when his teacher turned from him to the other members +of the class. + +"Miss Cragiemuir was attached to her scholars, an intelligent lot of +men, speaking English fairly well, and at times quite electrifying her +by their naive observations on men and things. But Ah Moy, the ugly +fellow at the end of the form, was her especial pride. That gorgeously +clad individual was considered the star scholar of the school, and as a +shining example of what Christian training can do for the heathen was +often pointed out to visitors. Well, Ah Moy _was_ undeniably clever, but +not in just the way the good people of Bethany imagined. As a matter of +fact, a more corrupt Chinaman had never been smuggled into America. +Ostensibly in the laundry business, and really a master workman in that +line, the astute Chink had long since relinquished the labor over the +tubs and ironing-board to Hop Wah, his silent partner. Ah Moy's chief +interest in the establishment lay in its cavernous sub-cellar, where he +conducted gaming tables and a smoking-'parlor' with flattering success. +The gods evidently smiled upon him, for his den seemed to be unknown to +the police, though they had ferreted out all other resorts of the kind +in the city. As there is no 'graft' in Washington, and 'the Finest' are +above reproach, the idea that Ah Moy enjoyed police protection should be +dismissed with indignation. + +"Ah Moy's place bore an unsavory reputation even among the saffron-hued +residents of Four-and-a-half Street, but its bland proprietor was +regarded by the authorities as a particularly inoffensive and +law-abiding specimen--his high standing at Bethany proving a very strong +card. He was also the head of a powerful secret society, or 'tong,' and +wielded a tremendous influence in the Washington settlement, so his +countrymen dared not betray him. There was another, and in its way an +equally potent reason why the Chinaman played so well the role of +convert. He had fallen desperately in love with Miss Cragiemuir, and to +the unconscious girl his antics were puzzling, to say the least. He +annoyed her, too, with presents--trifles which she could not well refuse +without a scene, for after much surly mumbling he would sulk in his +corner like a spoiled child unless she instantly accepted his offerings. +So jars of preserved ginger, hideous ivory images, and trinkets of every +description were showered upon her, much to her discomfiture. + +"On the afternoon I speak of, Ah Moy, who had eclipsed all previous +records for brilliant recitations, became decidedly uneasy as the +benediction was being pronounced, and when he arose from his knees +tapped Miss Cragiemuir gently with his fan. + +"'Can Ah Moy walk home with pletty lady?' he asked in dove-like tones. + +"Now Miss Cragiemuir's fads were invariably carried through to the last +extremity, and Ah Moy's request, instead of embarrassing her, afforded a +thrill of gratification. She felt sure that he yearned for a fuller +knowledge of the great truths that had been unfolded in the afternoon's +lesson, and she also felt, with some exaltation of spirit, that her +influence over the man was being exerted for much good. So she nodded a +pleasant assent to the delighted Celestial, who blushed and trembled +with joy; and a blushing, trembling Chinaman is a sight for the gods! + +"'Well, Ah Moy,' she said in her best manner, 'I hope you will think +over what you have learned to-day, ponder it in your heart, and let it +be a subject of prayer. I see a great change in you--a change for the +better. The good seed has taken root, and my puny efforts will yet bear +fruit in due season. Now next Sunday we will take up the wonderful story +of "Daniel in the Lion's Den." That will interest you, I am sure.' + +"'Ah Moy takee up anysing that Missee want,' said the Chinaman +gallantly. 'Ah Moy velly, velly fond of Missee. He no come to +Slunday-school at all if teacher no come too! Slunday-school is a great +big bluff most allee time--it seem to me. Humbug, eh?' + +"This was a staggerer. + +"'Why, Ah Moy, how perfectly shocking! "Bluff!" "Humbug!" Where did you +learn such words? Oh, Ah Moy, you don't know how much you distress me! I +thought better of you than that; I did indeed! What do you come to the +school for? Isn't it because you want to be a better man, and to lead a +good and useful life? I certainly thought so. I am disappointed in you, +Ah Moy, more than I can say. This is dreadful!' + +"'Ah Moy rich,' he continued, unnoticing; 'got plenty money, habee heap +house--one in 'Flisco, one in San Looey, one here in this city. He want +get mallied; lovee gal, 'flaid tell her. 'Flaid makee mad. Ah Moy +bashful!' + +"'Really?' said Miss Cragiemuir with interest, wondering which of the +two or three women at the Mission he meant, 'In love! Oh, Ah Moy, how +romantic! Who is she? Perhaps I can help you.' + +"'I don't likee say,' replied he coyly. + +"'How foolish, Ah Moy. Tell me--I will promise not to mention it--not to +say a word to any one. Understand?' + +"'Plomise?' asked he craftily. + +"'Certainly I will promise. Don't you think I can keep a secret? Lots of +people tell me things--that's because they trust me. Who do you want to +marry? Ah, I believe I know. Isn't it Hoi Kee?' + +"'No-o.' + +"'Oo-Chow?' + +"'No-o.' + +"'Hoi Sing?' + +"'No-o.' + +"'Well, I declare! Who on earth is it then?' + +"'Ah Moy want mallie _you_!' + +"'What?' + +"Miss Cragiemuir, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, giggled +hysterically. A flush of rage darkened the Chinaman's sallow features, +and his eyes glittered with anger. Had the street been deserted he would +have strangled her, then and there, after the pleasing Oriental fashion. +But the time and place were unpropitious. + +"'Mellican gal makee fun of Ah Moy,' he said gruffly. 'She think he +joke, when allee time he mean velly much what he say!' + +"Then the teacher lost her temper. + +"'How dare you say such a thing to me? Are you crazy? You must be! Don't +you ever talk to me again like that. Do you hear? Leave me--go away! I +don't want you to walk a step further with me! Go home! I hope I will +never, never see you again!' and she turned her back on him indignantly. +Ah Moy made no response, but still stuck gamely at her side. She walked +faster; so did he, keeping right in line. For a square or so they +hurried along. Then she gave it up, slowed down, and said mildly, 'I am +glad, of course, that you are fond of me, Ah Moy. I want all the members +of my class to like me. I am trying to do a good part by you, and I hope +some day to see you back in your native land leading your people to the +light; but you have a great deal to learn yet. Besides,' she added +thoughtfully, reverting to his unlucky remark, 'haven't you a wife in +China?' + +"'I have _two_ wifee in old countly,' replied Ah Moy proudly, 'but I +have none in 'Mellica--not a single wifee--no, not one! Ah Moy want +'Mellican wifee, so ba-ad, so ba-ad!' he said plaintively. + +"Miss Cragiemuir was seized with a wild desire to shriek with laughter, +but she wisely suppressed it. She felt that with the frank avowal of her +scholar the end of her usefulness at Bethany was drawing near. It +sobered and saddened her. + +"Ah Moy accompanied her in sullen silence to the door of the house in K +Street. Well-dressed church-goers gazed curiously at the pair, and many +facetious remarks were bandied about. Fragments of this found their way +to the ear of Major Cragiemuir as he was taking his afternoon airing in +the park, and filled him with wrath. The Major is a testy, pompous +specimen of the retired army officer, and takes himself very seriously. +His sense of dignity and propriety is never for a moment in abeyance, +and covers himself and all his belongings like a pall. + +"'This thing shall be stopped,' he declared, fuming with rage. 'I have +put up with Janet's infernal nonsense long enough! I won't have her the +laughing stock of the town! She shall give up this Chinese Sunday-school +business at once! But what next, what next?' he groaned 'Really, Janet +is getting quite beyond me--something decisive will have to be done. +Each new fad is more damnable than the other! Will there never be any +let up? God knows I have been a good father, and let her have her own +way in everything--nearly everything; but this is going a little too +far! If her mother had lived things would have been so different. Ah, +me!' And muttering angrily to himself, he whacked the inoffending +shrubbery with his cane. + +"The old gentleman's walk was quite spoiled. + +"When Miss Cragiemuir and Ah Moy reached the house in K Street the young +woman thanked her pupil for his escort, and politely wished him a good +afternoon. As she was about to leave him he madly seized her around the +waist, exclaiming, 'Ah Moy kissee you good-bye!' and tried his best to +do so. Miss Cragiemuir screamed, and nearly fainted with fright. +Luckily, the Major turned the corner just at this moment, and speedily +took in the situation. He rushed at the Chinaman, hurling him to the +pavement, and beat him soundly with his ever-ready stick. Then he +bestowed several well-directed kicks upon the prostrate form. Ah Moy +scrambled to his feet and fled, closely pursued by the enraged Major; +but the nimble-footed Chink managed to make good his escape, darting +into a friendly alley, and disappearing. + +"The terrified girl hurried into the house, and received shortly +afterward from her father a brief, but spirited lecture, which she will +long remember. He sternly declared, after touching upon all of her +hobbies,--he called them by a stronger name,--that if she continued to +give him trouble he would close up the Washington house and live in +future at The Oaks, the Cragiemuir place down in Maryland. This dire +threat proved most effectual, for Janet hated The Oaks, and she recalled +with disagreeable vividness one never-to-be-forgotten year spent there +as a child. So she went to her room and wrote to the superintendent at +Bethany that a sudden change in her plans would force her to give up her +class. The letter, a masterpiece in its way, closed with expressions of +the deepest regret, and was duly received by the excellent Mr. Bagby, +who felt that both Bethany and himself had sustained an irreparable +loss. + +"But the affair of the Chinaman by no means ended here. + +"Ten minutes after his unpleasant encounter with Major Cragiemuir, Ah +Moy arrived at his place of business in Four-and-a-half Street, a mass +of bruises, and with a heart full of hatred for his assailant. Perhaps, +after all, the fellow had meant no harm. In his guileless, imitative way +he had simply tried to do what he had often seen American young men do. +Had he not frequently observed big Policeman Ryan kiss the red-haired +widow who kept the lodging-house around on Missouri Avenue? Did not +Muggsy Walker--across the street--salute his sweetheart in the same +manner? Ah Moy had many times witnessed what struck him as a most absurd +ceremony on the part of the foreign devils; but he had watched them +closely, though, and flattered himself that he too could do the proper +thing when occasion called for it. He had, in fact, done so, and was +beaten for his pains! This was a h--l of a country, anyhow, thought he; +after this he would stick to the good old ways of his native land, and +have a whole skin to his credit. The teachings of a long line of +philosophical ancestors were by no means lost upon this their up-to-date +descendant. No more monkey tricks for him! + +"On the night of the beating, Ah Moy did not feel equal to presiding +over the tables, so the resort was closed for the first time in many +months. Down in the dark sub-cellar he soothed his ruffled feelings with +a long, quiet smoke, and meditated upon elaborate though somewhat +impracticable schemes of revenge as he lay in his bunk. + +"Several days later the Chinaman, still sore and in a bad humor, swung +himself on a car for Sam Yen's, whose laundry was some distance up town. +Yen was a quiet, easygoing fellow, and Ah Moy thought it great fun to +badger and worry him whenever there was nothing more promising in view. +On this particular morning Ah Moy found Yen shaking with a chill, and +almost too weak to drag himself across the room. Sam scarcely replied to +his tormentor's teasing, and the latter was about to leave the place in +disgust, when a well-known countenance appeared in the doorway, and +Dennis Coogan came in. + +"Coogan was Major Cragiemuir's factotum, and Ah Moy, who had spent many +a weary hour opposite the house in K Street waiting to catch a glance of +Janet Cragiemuir, knew him by sight. Coogan presented a ticket and +demanded his 'wash.' Sam Yen reached feebly for the pink slip of paper, +peered up and down the rows of bundles on the shelves, and finally +announced that the garments were not ready, but would be later in the +day. Coogan then stalked out, stating that he would call again at five +o'clock, sternly warning Sam not to disappoint him. Coogan aped the +Major to the life, and Ah Moy, recognizing the caricature, hated him +heartily for it. Yet, the Chinaman, sitting behind the counter, with his +eyes nearly closed, paid but scanty attention to the customer; but when +Coogan left, a look of supreme cunning flitted over his wooden face. He +was silent for a few moments, and then, to the surprise and delight of +Yen, volunteered to remain and complete the day's work, urging the sick +man to turn in until he felt better. Sam Yen gladly accepted the offer +of his kindly disposed countryman, and Ah Moy hurriedly left for his own +laundry to get, he said, a very superior polishing iron, promising to +return in a few moments. When he found himself on Pennsylvania Avenue +near Four-and-a-half Street he entered the tea, spice, and curio +emporium of Quong Lee. + +"Quong Lee was not only a shrewd merchant, but a skilful chemist as +well, and was regarded with deep reverence and esteem by his fellows. +The eminent man, had he been a trifle taller, would have readily been +taken for the great Li Hung Chang, spectacles and all; and it was owing +as much to this wonderful resemblance as to his wisdom and learning that +Chinatown groveled at his feet. He received Ah Moy effusively when the +latter, breathless and excited, burst into the stuffy little room at the +rear of the shop. + +"'Welcome, thrice welcome, oh, Beautiful One,' said Quong Lee (not in +English, but in the liquid dialect of the Shansi region). 'It fills my +heart with joy to see you. Why have you thus deserted the lifelong +friend of your father?' + +"Ah Moy smiled sardonically, for he had parted from Quong Lee but at +sunrise that morning, after a warm discussion over some of the nicer +points of the game, and the old man's query appealed very strongly to +his by no means undeveloped sense of humor. + +"'Most excellent and revered sage,' replied Ah Moy dryly, 'pardon the +unheard-of negligence, and generously deign to overlook the +thoughtlessness of your sorrowing servant--do that; and, Quong Lee, you +must help me! Quickly! Quickly! I want a poison such as you can easily +distil. A mixture so deadly that the slightest contact with it is fatal! +Give me that, I pray you, and let me go. Hurry! Hurry! I am in haste!' + +"'You ask much of me, Ah Moy, after your harsh, ill-timed words of the +morning,' remarked Quong Lee coldly. + +"'Forget them, O Munificent; forget them,' said Ah Moy, deeply +contrite. 'Carried away by excitement, your abject slave considered +but lightly what he then so foolishly said, and now so fervently +regrets--and--and--let's drop this powwow, Quong Lee. I have no time for +it! I tell you, man, I am in a hurry!' + +"Now, Quong Lee, while wholly in Ah Moy's power, and quite well aware of +it, exacted from all of his countrymen a certain amount of deference, +and was loath that his visitor should prove an exception to this +gratifying rule. Ah Moy knew this, but the little farce was becoming +very irksome to him; it took up too much of his always valuable time, +and he intended to forego it in future. Quong Lee, thought he, was a +tiresome old goat who badly needed his whiskers trimmed and his horns +sawed off; and he, Ah Moy, was the man for the job. + +"'I am indeed fortunate,' said Quong Lee, ignoring Ah Moy's concluding +remark, 'tremendously lucky, in fact, for I think I have in my +laboratory just what you desire. Yes, I am sure of it. I will get it +without further delay.' He took down a lighted lantern from the wall, +and lifting a trap door at the end of the room, plunged into the +darkness. From the opening nasty, suffocating smells arose, and Ah Moy +was driven out to the shop, where he impatiently awaited his learned +friend. That worthy soon reappeared, and paying no attention whatever to +the odors, beckoned Ah Moy into the room. Ah Moy approached gingerly. + +"'My beloved child,' said Quong Lee, exhibiting the regulation tiny +phial of romance containing a few drops of a white liquid, 'here is a +poison ten-fold more subtle and deadly than that ejected from the fangs +of the cruel serpent of the plain. The merest scratch from a weapon +dipped in it will effect instant death. The victim curls up as a tender +leaf in the midday sun. Yet it may be taken into the stomach with +impunity. Strange, is it not? The minute quantity that you see here is +all that I possess, and I shall feel honored if you will accept it. +But,' he added, clutching Ah Moy by the wrist, 'should trouble come, +remember that I--Quong Lee----' + +"'Trust me for that, venerable Uncle of the Moon; your name shall not be +breathed in the matter, whatever happens. Ah Moy is not the man to bring +misfortune upon the lifelong friend of his father,' and the fiendish +chuckle which accompanied this remark filled the merchant-chemist with +alarm. + +"'A million thanks, O Illustrious,' continued Ah Moy, pocketing the +phial. 'I shall never forget your generosity. In good time I shall +repay. Ah Moy will not prove ungrateful. Pardon this brief visit, O +revered wearer of the crimson blouse. We meet again to-night. Bathed in +the glow of thy approving smile, I leave thee. We meet again to-night, +to-night. For the present, farewell. And I say, old 'un, you were dead +wrong about that last game. You get a little dippy toward morning, don't +you? Most old folks do. Ta, ta.' He glided out, slamming the door behind +him. + +"Quong Lee followed his guest to the street, and watched his retreating +figure until lost to sight. + +"'Curse him! Curse him!' hissed the old man vindictively. 'May the gods +destroy him! And Quong Lee will aid them! Give me but the chance; oh, +give me but the chance!' And he crossed his fingers. + +"The subject of this cheerful soliloquy returned without delay to Sam +Yen's, who welcomed him with a wan smile, and after explaining some +minor details of the work, crept off to his cot. Ah Moy immediately +began his self-imposed task, and worked with a will, crooning the while +a quaint Celestial air. It was ironing day at Sam Yen's, and the new +hand did not object particularly to that part of the process. By a +quarter after four he had completed the job, and surveyed with much +satisfaction the neat bundles, duly ranged on the shelves. + +"Dennis Coogan arrived at dusk, and throwing down his ticket and some +small change on the counter, walked off with his parcel, mumbling +something uncomplimentary about the dirty haythin' who kept honest folks +waitin' for their clothin'. Later in the evening Sam Yen appeared, much +refreshed, and relieved his kind assistant. Ah Moy then left, cutting +short the thanks of his countryman. + +"Honesty is the best policy, and it is to be regretted that this astute +maxim had not been more thoroughly kneaded into the moral make-up of Mr. +Dennis Coogan. Arriving at the house in K Street, Coogan, sneaking +through a side entrance and across the yard at the rear, took his +master's clothing up to his own little room over the stables, where he +carefully selected such articles as seemed to strike his fancy. It was +the night of the coachmen's ball, and Dennis did not propose to be +eclipsed at that event by any Jehu who ever handled the ribbons. So +there in readiness lay the hired dress-suit, the Major's gleaming linen, +and the other necessaries of evening attire. Coogan leisurely donned the +unaccustomed plumage, paying as much attention to his toilet as a +debutante when arraying herself for her first cotillion. After +struggling into a remarkably obstinate shirt he selected the highest +collar he could find, put it on, and admiringly surveyed the general +effect in a cracked mirror, turning his head this way and that as he did +so. Suddenly, with a gasping cry, he lurched forward, and fell heavily +to the floor. + +"Great was the horror and distress in the Cragiemuir household the next +morning when the shockingly discolored body of the ill-fated Coogan was +found. Major Cragiemuir, who was attached to the man, was sorely grieved +by his death; and as there were no relatives to claim the body had the +poor fellow buried from the K Street house, which was closed until after +the funeral. The family physician and his confreres who examined the +corpse were puzzled for some time as to the cause of Coogan's death. +Cases of this sort, they solemnly declared, while not unknown to the +profession, were yet extremely rare; and the long scientific name which +was inscribed on the register at the health office as the disease that +carried off Dennis Coogan had certainly never been seen there before. +The slight scratch under the chin made by one of the sharp points of the +collar was quite unnoticed in the rigid inspection to which the body was +subjected. + +"On the evening following the untimely death of Dennis Coogan, impelled +by a curiosity which he could not resist, Ah Moy sought out the +fashionable neighborhood where the Cragiemuirs resided, and found, as he +had scarcely dared hope, the mansion closed and the badge of mourning on +the door. He saw a dim light burning in the front parlor, and in his +excited fancy could see the still form of the hated Major reposing in +the satin-lined casket beneath the flickering gas jets. The Chinaman +laughed aloud, and then a look of supreme terror came into his face, for +he thought he saw a menacing figure leave the house, and with clenched +fists start over to him. + +"Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled. + +[Illustration: "Ah Moy, shrieking, turned and fled!"] + +"He finally took refuge from his imaginary pursuer at Wo Hong's. Here he +drank repeatedly a fiery liquor which the proprietor, serenely +untroubled by the revenue laws, dispensed to his pals for a trifle. When +Ah Moy staggered into his den several hours later, Quong Lee, who had +arrived on the scene, noted with much satisfaction the ghastly +appearance of his friend. + +"'If he keeps this up for any length of time,' thought the learned man, +'I shall be spared the performance of a very unpleasant act. Murder is +not in my line--now--anyway. It is trying work for an old man like +me--and the police forever at one's heels!' + +"Leaving his associates in charge of the tables, Ah Moy wearily sought +the adjoining room, a filthy, ill-lighted apartment, with rows of bunks +along its sides. Opening a cupboard he drew forth a pipe and a small jar +of opium. His stained fingers trembled violently as he rolled a much +larger pill than usual and placed it in the bowl of his pipe. He had +consumed a frightful quantity of the stuff in the past few days, and his +nerves were in just the condition that required a larger amount than +ever to quiet them. + +"He stretched himself at full length in the nearest bunk and proceeded +to lull the awful fantasies which threatened his reason. With a moan he +buried his face in his pillow; for at the end of the room he saw a grim +phantom whom, he felt sure, the doubly accursed Quong Lee had +maliciously admitted. The old man should pay dearly for this on the +morrow! Ah Moy felt his fingers tightening convulsively around the +throat of the dying Quong Lee; he could hear the croaking in his +victim's wind-pipe, and the gruesome death-rattle! The sounds were all +well known to the Chinaman, and recalled a chain of lurid experiences. + +"'I should have done it before,' he muttered, as in his fancy he kicked +the body aside. + +"He grew calmer. There was a bright gleam of hope in the thought that +with the death of Major Cragiemuir his wooing would be far less +difficult. As to the girl returning his love--bah! Women were not +consulted upon such matters--in China. He smiled, for he felt that his +triumph was assured. + +"Radiant visions came to him. He was floating in space, wafted by +perfumed breezes. Around him were lovely faces dimly outlined in circles +of roseate clouds. Each face was Janet Cragiemuir's, and all smiled most +bewitchingly at him. Showers of white and yellow blossoms fell at +intervals, and the orchestra from the Imperial theatre at Pekin boomed +lazily in the distance. + +"Happy, happy Ah Moy! + +"But the Chinaman, though a hardened smoker, had badly miscalculated +matters, for when Quong Lee came in at daybreak to awaken him the +'Beautiful One' had been dead many hours!" + + * * * * * + +"Now, Mr. Denmead," said Colonel Manysnifters, turning to another +representative of the press, "it's your turn. Let us have it good and +strong. I have read your East Side Sketches, and like 'em immensely. +Can't you give us a touch of New York in yours?" + +"I'll try," said Denmead modestly, "though it isn't exactly a story. It +was just a passing incident, but it was something that I will not soon +forget. An affair of that kind is apt to make more or less of an +impression on a fellow. Maybe you will agree with me." + + + + +XI + +WHAT HAPPENED TO DENMEAD + + +"Several years ago I found myself in New York; penniless, weary, and +heartsick. I wandered one morning into a tiny park, mouldering in the +shadow of the huge skyscrapers with which Manhattan is everywhere +defaced. I sank upon a bench, pulled a soiled newspaper from my pocket, +and scanned for the fiftieth time the 'Help Wanted' columns. Work I +wanted of any kind, and work of any kind had eluded my tireless search +for days--ever since my arrival in New York. The benches about me were +filled with bleary, unshaven men; some asleep, others trying hard to +keep awake; each clutching a paper which presently it seemed they might +devour, goat-like, in sheer hunger. The stamp of cruel want convulsed +each hopeless face, and crowsfeet lines of despair lay as a delta +beneath each fishy eye. About us in all directions towered huge +monuments of apoplectic wealth--teeming hives, draining the honey from +each bee, tearing from thousands their best years, their finest +endeavors, their very hearts' blood--all to swell the wealth of a +bloated few! And we, the drones, sat mildewing in the little open space +below! + +"The man next to me, his head hanging over the back of the bench in +ghastly jointlessness, awoke with a snort, stared about him stupidly, +and something like a sob bubbled up from his Adam-appled throat. He +wiped his eyes with the back of a grimy paw, and diving into a greasy +pocket pulled out a short black pipe. Between consoling puffs he jerked +out, 'A man's a damn fool--a damn fool, I say, to come to New York to +look for a job! That's why _you_ are here. Oh, I know. I can tell. +You're a stranger all right; that's easy to see. You look the part.' + +"'That's so,' said I, 'and worse. I am about down and out. Financially, +I stand exactly twenty-one--no--twenty-three cents to the good.' + +"'I am right with you, friend--only more so. I have nothing, absolutely +nothing! You've twenty-three cents, hey? A bad number, that +twenty-three. Give me the odd penny, and perhaps luck'll change for both +of us.' I put the copper into his hand, and in chucking it into his +pocket he dropped it. It rolled out to the center of the walk, and in an +instant not less than a dozen men made a determined rush for it. There +was a desperate struggle; others joined; it became a mad, screaming, +tumbling, sweating mob. Instantly a crowd from outside gathered, and a +free-for-all fight began. Hundreds flocked in from the adjacent streets. +The affair quickly assumed the proportions of a riot. Knives and +revolvers were brought into play. It was every man against his neighbor, +and an unreasoning wave of frenzy and blood seemed to sweep over the +crowd. The police rushed in from all quarters, but their efforts seemed +powerless. My new acquaintance and myself, the innocent cause of all the +trouble, managed to escape from the thick of the fray--he with the loss +of a hat and a bleeding face; and I in much worse shape--physically +sound, but--I had lost my twenty-two cents! We hurriedly entered a dark +canyon which led to wider paths where quiet reigned. The tumult in the +park, sharply accentuated by pistol shots, came to us like the roar of +falling water. + +"'What an astonishing thing!' said my companion. 'And all for a penny--a +bloomin' penny! And to think of the fabulous wealth stored in the midst +of all these tigers! Do you suppose that mere walls of steel and granite +could withstand the fury of such a mob as this great city now holds, +straining at its leash? Horrible things will happen in New York one of +these days, and we will not have long to wait for it either. Discipline +of the crudest sort, and a leader, is all that is needed to start a +great army of destruction in motion!' + +"'But how about the police, the Federal and State troops, supposed to be +in instant readiness?' I urged. + +"'They would count as nothing before the fury of an organized mob. A +portion of the monstrous mountain of wealth stored here in New York City +should be moved to a central, safer point; say St. Louis, Omaha, or even +further west to Denver. It's piling up here is an ever-present menace +and danger. It is a serious problem.' + +"'Quite so,' agreed I; 'but there is a much more serious problem +confronting you and me just at present, and that is a certain sickening +emptiness which makes one weak and giddy. My few coppers stood between +us and--and--well, serious thoughts of the future. I have never begged +nor stolen, and yet----' + +"'Oh, don't bother about that. The thing's easy,' said my friend; 'just +watch me.' + +"A fat, prosperous-looking man approached. His sleek face, garlanded +with mutton-chop whiskers, was creased in smiles. Evidently a broker who +had just 'done' some one, was my sour thought. There were but few on the +street, and the outlook for business was favorable. + +"'Pardon me, friend,' whined my companion, stepping out in front of him, +'but can't you give a fellow a lift? I'm a mechanic by trade, and----' + +"'Oh, cut it out!' said the fat man, leering knowingly. 'I'm on to what +you're going to say. Why don't you fellows vary your song and +dance--just for luck? G'wan. Get out of the way!' And he tried to +side-step us. With a quick glance over his shoulder, my new acquaintance +shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous one. Skyward +the podgy, bejeweled hands, and we deftly went through him, securing his +wallet, watch, scarf-pin, and then stripped his fingers of their +adornment. It was over in a flash, and the fat man on his back by a +dexterous push and go-down which the Japs might add with advantage to +their much-vaunted jiu-jitsu. + +[Illustration: "--Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the +prosperous one!"] + +"'Beat it!' urged my companion, and 'beat it' we did; dropping casually +but hurriedly into a corner saloon, then through a side entrance out +into another street. I looked at my friend admiringly. + +"'I suppose there's hell to pay around the corner just now,' said he +coolly; 'but we are as safe here as if we were in Jersey City--and +safer. Still, it won't do to linger. Come this way,' and he led me into +a lunch-room of the baser sort. + +"'Sit here, at this table, and I will eat at the counter. We had best +not be seen together, though they would never look for us here.' I gazed +at him in amazement. My bearded friend had become smooth-shaven! His +neck, but a moment before collarless, was now surrounded by a high +white-washed wall; he flashed a crimson tie, and somehow his clothes +looked newer and sprucer. Of all the lightning-change acts I have ever +seen, this was certainly the extreme tip of the limit! + +"'What do you think of it?' he asked, grinning, jamming his whiskers +still further into his pocket. + +"'Wonderful!' said I. + +"'Now,' said he confidently, '_I_ am absolutely safe, and I don't think +the stout party saw _you_. Don't worry. I caught only my reflection in +the little swinish eyes. I saw nothing in the background. What'll you +have to eat? There seems to be enough in the pocket-book--which I ought +to empty and chuck--to buy up several lunch-rooms, with the Waldorf +thrown in for good measure.' + +"'How much?' I asked. + +"'Not now,' he whispered, 'not now. Wait until we get out. The +proprietor is looking at us. Here's coffee, and pie, and sandwiches--ice +cream--oh, anything you like!' + +"We munched in silence and he pushed up a twenty-dollar bill in payment, +much to the surprise of the man behind the counter. The change pocketed, +we strolled out leisurely, picking our teeth with easy nonchalance. + +"'I hated to give that fellow the double cross, but really, old cock, +that is the smallest denomination in the bundle. Wander down to the +Battery with me and we will investigate further.' + +"'You're an Englishman,' I essayed knowingly. 'I am on to the lingo.' + +"'Not on your life!' said he. Born in Newark, New Jersey, deah boy, I +assure you--right back of the gas-house; what? These togs o' mine were +handed out to me by an old pal--a cockney valet--and the accent goes +with 'em, don't ye know?' + +"'I'm on,' said I, sadder but wiser, and then relapsed into reverie. + +"The Battery was thronged as usual, but we found a bench away from +prying eyes. + +"'Gee whiz! Jumping Jerusalem! Julius Caesar! Joe Cannon!' murmured my +friend as he emptied the stuffing of the wallet into his hat. 'Am I +dreaming again? I've often dreamt that I have found a bunch of +money--picking it out of the gutter, usually--dimes, quarters, +halves--bushels of 'em! But this is different--oh, so different! Can it +be real? Am I on the boards again? Can it be only stage mon----? Look +here; isn't this a windfall? Isn't this a monumental rake-off for a +non-profesh? Heaven knows I'm but an amateur in this line--normally an +honest man, with but slightly way-ward tendencies. Whooping +O'Shaughnessy! Just look! Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty +one-hundreds--that's eleven thousand! A sheaf of fifties and twenties, +swelling the total to something like twelve thousand! Hoo-ray! Again I +ask, am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn +over, dearie, and go to sleep again! Twelve thousand plunks! Wouldn't +that everlastingly unsettle you? Well, well, well! Not so bad for a +moment's effort before breakfast, eh? Ain't it simply grand, Mag? I +wonder who and what our friend is, anyway. He wasn't dressed just for +the part of bank messenger, though he had the inside lining, all right! +A pursy old broker, I guess. Might have been a book-maker--you never can +tell. Anyhow, I am sort o' sorry for the chap. It would break _me_ all +up if I lost a wad of that size! Who is he? Hell, what a fool I am! Here +is the name on the flap of the wallet. + + ABNER MCNAMEE, + 24 Broadway, New York. + +"'Abner McNamee! Abner McNamee!! Abner Mac----! Ain't this the limit! +Abner McNamee! We can't take this money! Just my damned, hydra-headed +luck! You hear me? It has always been that way with me--all my life! We +can't take this money, pardner! It's got to be returned! This money's +all got to go back--every cent of it! Ain't it a shame? Abner McNamee! I +oughter have known him at the time, but I only saw him once, and that +was years ago. He has taken on a lot of flesh since then. Abner McNamee! +Who'd 'a' thought it?' + +"'Who the devil is Abner McNamee?' I asked, scenting treachery. This was +a share and share alike affair, and no crooked work, and--I needed the +money! 'What's the game--this McNamee business? Do you think I am a +fool?' + +"'Look here, pal,' said my companion quietly, 'say bye-bye to your +dirigible and drop to the ground. You're all up in the air. Of course we +are together in this thing. I've no thought of doing you. I know you can +make trouble if you want to. You could turn me over to the first cop +that heaves in sight, and there's one over there now--why don't you do +it? Of course _I_ would have something to say in that event, and then +there would be _two_ of us in trouble; and with Abner confronting the +pair, the odds would be all in my favor. He'd never recognize _me_! No, +sir! But what's the use of hot-airing like this? Be good, now, and +listen to me. We can't, can't, can't keep this money! Do you hear? Now +let it filter through your make-up--slowly at first, and then as fast as +you like. Honest, pal, we've got to give it back!' + +"'Why?' I asked, still skeptical. + +"'Oh, what's the use of your going on like that? You worry me with your +fool questions! Here, take it all and accept the responsibility, and I +will leave you! Here--take it! Take it, you idiot!' + +"Somehow, I hesitated--held back by Heaven knows what. + +"'No,' said he, returning the wallet to his pocket, 'I thought not! You +know a thing or two after all. You haven't lost your mind. Looks are +deceptive sometimes.' I instantly regretted my indecision. + +"'What's the matter with the money?' I asked. 'I was just kidding you. +Give it to me. Hand it over. I will take it.' + +"'Never-r-r! Never-r-r!' he whispered mysteriously. 'This money belongs +to THE CAUSE!' + +"'Oh, come off!' said I with a foxy wink. Don't you think because I am a +countryman I gambol exclusively on the green. I am not altogether to the +emerald by a pailful! I've got you where I want you, and you know it! +Quit your fooling and hand over the wallet! There's a cop over there +now,' I added meaningly. + +"'Yes, over there--I see him,' said my companion slowly. 'A cop--a very +necessary evil, highly ornamental cops are, and occasionally useful. Now +kindly look over _this_ way, deah boy, and you'll see two more of 'em.' + +"I looked, and then----WOW! (The Milky Way.) + + * * * * * + +"They took me to Bellevue, and three days later I found myself echoing, +'Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty one-hundreds--that's eleven +thousand. A sheaf of fifties and twenties, swelling the total to +something like twelve thousand! Hooray! Am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll +stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn over, dearie, and go to sleep +again! Twelve thousand plunks. Well, well, well! Not so bad for a +moment's effort before breakfast, eh?' + +"And my nurse smiled wearily." + + * * * * * + +"That New York is a fearful and wonderful place," said Colonel +Manysnifters gravely. "I will never forget the first time I went there +as a young man. Why, I didn't get any sleep at all! The first night I +was there I turned in about two-thirty, took off my clothes, and got in +bed; but it seemed sort of foolish and wasteful. Sleep in New York? +Well, hardly. I argued that I could do that at home--and me paying three +dollars a day! So I got right up, dressed, and started out to see the +sights. It was about three o'clock then, and there wasn't any one around +but the night clerk and myself. I asked him if he couldn't lock up the +house and go out with me for a little while. He smiled, and said that he +would like to do it, but he was afraid the boss might kick; so we had a +drink together, and I went by myself. I was a green boy then and didn't +know any better, but I am on to the little old town now, all right! They +all know me up there. As soon as I get off the ferry, perfect strangers +come up, call me by name, shake hands, and slip me a card. I don't mean +to brag, but I know the location of every poolroom in the city! I have a +friend in New York who writes the dramatic criticisms for the +moving-picture shows; he puts me in touch with the theatrical and +newspaper element, and I have seen some high old times up there, I tell +you! One night--but, hold on--I've had my inning, Mr. O'Brien is at the +bat, I think." + +[Illustration: "--Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving picture +shows."] + +Mr. O'Brien blushingly admitted the charge. + +"This is the first time I ever spoke in public," said the young man +modestly, "and I crave your indulgence. If you don't mind, I will tell +you about Judge Waddington and myself at Atlantic City last summer. +Every one in Washington knows the Judge, and hopes that some day +Congress will take up his claim and adjust it satisfactorily. The old +gentleman is about all in, but we are doing what we can for him." + + + + +XII + +O'BRIEN'S NARRATIVE + + +"I met him on the Boardwalk, and asked him where he was stopping. + +"'Oh, a nice, home-like place--right over there,' indicating its +position by a careless wave of the hand; 'nice place, quiet, no music at +meals, or that sort of thing. Good cooking, no dogs or children. I came +down here to rest. None of the glare and glitter of the Boardwalk hotels +for me; no, sir!' + +"'What's the name of your place?' I asked. + +"'Hasn't any name--just a private cottage; old Southern family, one or +two paying guests, you know. They have been coming here for years; never +took boarders before, but the head of the house was caught in the +Knicknack Trust affair last fall. Funny how many were hurt by that +bust-up. Nearly all the boys down in Washington say they were stung. As +I remarked, old man Montgomery is rather hard up just now; but proud, +dev'lish proud, sir. I consider it a privilege to be taken in. They have +rented the cottage next door for their guests. Every convenience.' + +"All very fine, but the Judge avoided my direct gaze. Seaward he turned +a shifty eye, and I knew that he was lying. He looked depressed and down +at the heel, and bore the signs of recent illness. I led him, +unresisting to the nearest cafe, and properly stimulated, he told me +that the Washington summer had proven too much for him, that the boys +had kindly advanced the wherewithal for a two weeks' stay at the shore, +and that he had been very sick, but already felt like a new man. + +"I ordered another. + +"'While I am very snugly fixed down here, Patsy,' said he +confidentially, 'I must confess I was a little disappointed in the +location of the cottage. From the picture on the letter-head the waves +seemed to be curling under the Boardwalk onto the lower steps of the +front porch. Every room with a sea view, and no mosquitos, the circular +said. But the printer evidently got hold of the wrong form. We are a +durn sight nearer Atlantic Avenue than the Atlantic Ocean!' + +"'Regularly buncoed, eh?' I ventured. + +"'As a matter of proximity to the sea, yes. But I am sure the +Montgomerys are not a party to the deceit. They took the printed matter +along with the new cottage, I reckon. How long will you be down, Patsy?' + +"'Just the week-end, sir. My, but look over there!' Our eyes were glued +on the entrance. Framed in the doorway, with the glare of the white +street as a background, stood one of the finest examples of the early +Gothic I have ever seen. She gazed haughtily about the room, and at the +waiters who rushed to her side. She selected the table next to ours, and +dropped into a seat, her attenuated form sharply at right angles, like a +half-closed jack-knife. With long bony fingers glistening with rings she +raised her veil, and opening a chatelaine bag, pulled out a +handkerchief, smelling salts, and a gold-meshed purse. Then, with a +murmured order to the waiter, she settled herself comfortably, and with +an imperial uplift of the pointed chin the foxy face swung slowly around +to us and settled with a grimace of recognition upon the Judge. My old +friend reddened, and moved about uneasily. + +[Illustration: "Framed in the doorway ... stood one of the finest +examples of the early Gothic I have ever seen."] + +"'Pardon me a moment,' said he, rising and starting over to her. + +"'Why, Judge Waddington, what a delightful thurprise,' shrilled the lady +of peroxide in a voice that carried all over the room and back as far as +the bar. + +"'When did you come down? Thith ith thertainly fine.' The judge mumbled +something which I did not catch--it sounded like 'Oh, hell!' + +"'Here, Patrick,' he said, without enthusiasm, 'I want you to meet a +friend of mine.' + +"An introduction to Miss Clarice de Dear, who had appeared in the +original Black Crook company with Lydia Thompson, was no every-day +occurrence in my hum-drum existence, and I was perhaps visibly affected. +She overlooked it, and greeted me with girlish enthusiasm. + +"'Tho glad,' she lisped, 'to meet any friend of the dear Judge's, and +ethpethially you. I have heard tho much about you.' I wondered what in +the devil she had heard. 'I've known Judge Waddington ever since I was a +little tot.' + +"'And not so long, either,' said the Judge gallantly--and grimly. The +fair one shot a curious glance at him, and smiled a smile, sour in its +exceeding sweetness. + +"'I have often heard the Judge mention your name. 'Twath only the other +night he thaid----What will I have? nothing, thanks, I have just +ordered.' But she joined us later, and still later, when the +conversation became general; that is, we all tried to talk at once. + +"From the Judge's attitude I gathered that he was commencing to +celebrate the birthday of some famous man or the anniversary of a great +battle. He never drank otherwise. To-day, he informed me, he was tanking +up in honor of Bolivar, the great South American Liberator. + +"'Ah, Bolivar! Great man, Bolivar! Waiter!' + +"'Yes, sir!' + +"'The same!' + +"From Miss de Dear, 'midst smiles and tears, I gleaned that she had once +adorned the stage, pursued always by the jealousy of her less-talented +sisters. Heaven knows she couldn't help the gifts of Nature which had +come to her through no effort of her own--her birthright. The de Dears +were all that way, as far back as Sir Something-or-the-other de Dear who +came over with the Conqueror--and her mother's first cousin went to the +Philadelphia Assembly--how could she help it? _Noblesse Oblige!_ All the +girls were jealous--the cats! Anyhow, she had quit the scene of her +early triumphs, lured by the attractive offer of a vaudeville manager. +In this new field she appeared for a short time; but when on the roof +they put her on the programme sandwiched between a troup of performing +dogs and a bunch of bum acrobats--she kicked! Any self-respecting +artiste would have done the same! I agreed with her. She, too, like the +Montgomerys, and other noble families, had been caught in the Knicknack +disaster, and her savings swept away; and rather than be dependent upon +the bounty of an immensely wealthy English aunt, she had consented to +represent a great New York publishing house. + +"'The World's Famous Fat Men,' twenty volumes; cloth, levant, or +half-calf; ten dollars down, and a dollar a month far into the hazy +future. Of course this was hardly the place to talk business, she said, +but I had her card and knew where to find her. Every one should have the +work. All the best people in New York, Philadelphia, Sioux City, and +other places were putting it into their libraries, and so on, and so on. + +"This flotsam and jetsam of her talk came to me from time to time as +confidential asides from the main flow of palaver which rolled along +steadily toward the Judge. The Judge, poor fellow, showed plainly the +effects of the struggle; so much so, that I suggested a stroll up the +Boardwalk. + +"We arose with an effort, and went out to meet the bracing air. + +"'Ah, the thea, the thea; the dear, dear thea! Always tho--er--wet and +rethleth. I inherit a love for the water from my father's great uncle +who was an Admiral in the British Navy.' As this was the first +intimation Miss de Dear had given as to a fondness for water, except on +the side, I felt that living and learning were synonymous terms. So, +perhaps, did the Judge, who said, apropos of nothing in particular, +'When I was in California in fifty-nine, I saw a snake over forty-seven +feet long. The onery rascal wouldn't coil up, and they had to carry him +from place to place on flat cars. Now what do you think of _that_?' Miss +de Dear gazed dreamily out at the tossing waves, and said nothing, while +I caught hold of the Judge's elbow to steady him. Plainly the +celebration was on. + +"'My dear, dear Patsy,' he said affectionately. + +"'Oh, I tell you what let'h do,' said the maiden impulsively; 'let'h go +and have our fortunes told. I am dying to have mine told. Last night I +dreamt for the third time that Aunt Genevieve had died and left me all +her money. Maybe there is something in it. The palm of my left hand has +been itching all day.' + +"So to the fortune-teller's we went. + +[Illustration: Professor Habib.] + +"Professor Habib was a Parsee, with features Irish in their intensity. +As I gazed at him I thought of the far-reaching kinship of man. Here was +a Fire-worshipper out of Persia, who for all the world looked like my +brother Mick; and God knows Mick's no Parsee! Habib wore his native +costume with a little red fez on top. + +"'Be seated,' he said courteously; again reminding me of Mick. + +"'Which one first?' he asked, pointing to a little inner room curtained +from view. The Judge suggested genially that we all go in together, but +the professor explained that one at a time was his invariable rule. + +"'Oh, all right, all right,' said the judge, somewhat miffed; 'far be it +from me to--to----' + +"'Ladies first,' said I. + +"''Tis well,' said the professor, with a salaam; and the pair +disappeared behind the draperies. + +"'I wonder how long they are going to stay,' said the Judge, after we +had waited some fifteen minutes. The conversation behind the arras, at +first low and murmuring, was becoming animated. I distinctly heard the +Parsee say, 'Who are the blaggards ye've brought here wid ye?' followed +by an unintelligible reply. + +"'What did he say?' queried the Judge, looking up sharply. + +"'I don't understand Parsee, sir,' said I. + +"'That was no foreign tongue; that was American--with a brogue. I don't +like that. Let's hurry them up. I say, what time is it?' + +"We reached for our watches. They were gone! Instinctively I felt for my +wallet. Gone! My scarf-pin. Gone! + +"We made a wild rush for the little inner room. + +"Miss de Dear? Gone! And the Parsee? Gone! + + * * * * * + +"Later, when we had made our report to the police, and I was guiding the +Judge home, I asked: + +"Who is this de Dear? Where did you know her?" + +"'Never laid eyes on her before!' growled the Judge." + + * * * * * + +"Another 'Jewel'!" said Colonel Manysnifters. "You find them +everywhere." + + + + +XIII + +AN UNINVITED GUEST + + +In the lull following Mr. O'Brien's story the conductor and porter went +hurriedly through the car out to the rear platform; where, it seems, +they had been summoned by the brakeman. They quickly reappeared with as +bedraggled and woebegone a specimen of humanity as it has ever been my +misfortune to see. An unwashed, evil-smelling, half-frozen Hobo was +dragged into the car, to our utter amazement! + +"Hold on a minute, conductor," said Colonel Manysnifters, as they were +rushing the captive through. "What have you here? Where did you get him? +Who are you, sir?" asked he of the tramp. "Who are you, I say, and what +are you doing on this strictly private outfit?" + +[Illustration: An uninvited guest.] + +The tramp, quite unabashed, blew upon his fingers to warm them, picked +up a cigar stump from the floor, lighted it, and looking around the +group said courteously, though with a bored expression: + +"Gentlemen, I got on your train about the time you did, though hardly in +the same way. A ride on the trucks and brakebeams, while exhilarating in +the extreme at the outset, soon becomes wearying and nerve-racking, so +at the last water tank I made bold to take up my quarters on the rear +platform, with an occasional climb to the roof for observation and +change. But, my, it is cold out there! If it hadn't been for my friend +here," exhibiting a flask, "I would have frozen to death. Alas, poor +fellow, he is empty now!" and he held it up to the light. + +"It grew very dark and bitter as the night wore on; then the blizzard +caught us; but even in spite of that, I fell into a doze, to be rudely +awakened by this fellow--but what can you expect from a person of that +kind?" Here the brakeman gave a scornful grunt, and the conductor smiled +broadly. + +"After all," the tramp continued affably, between cigar puffs, "their +lot is a hard one, and it is not for me to cast the first stone. So here +I am, gentlemen, right with you, and my fate is quite in your hands." +This with a magnificent wave of a grimy paw, and something approaching a +curtsy. + +"You should get down on your knees, fellow, and thank this brakeman. He +undoubtedly saved your life. It would have been your last sleep if he +had not come along! Where is your gratitude?" asked Senator Pennypacker +severely. + +"You may be right, sir," said the tramp politely. "I don't dispute your +word. I _ought_ to be friendly with that fellow, as I see he is a +brother of mine. He belongs to my order. I can tell by his +watch-charm--that square bit of enamel with the rising sun in the +middle, and the letters 'I. O. U.' in red, white, and blue, around it. +Yes, he is O. K. I have been a member of many fraternities, and in +better days I was the keeper of the 'Hoot Mon' in our local Caledonian +club. Brother, accept my thanks. Perhaps some of these days I may be +able to repay you with something more substantial." The brakeman +laughed, and by this time we were all in a melting mood. Senator Bull +reached instinctively into his trousers pocket, and Mr. Ridley did the +same. + +"Just a moment, gentlemen, just a moment," said Colonel Manysnifters. +"Now, sir," said he to the tramp, "we have been telling stories here +to-night--some of them fair, some pretty bad. Let us hear what you can +do in that line. We will give you a chance. If you don't make good we +will put you off at the next station and turn you over to the +authorities. Captain," to the conductor, "and you, President Madison, +take our friend into the next car, give him something to eat and drink, +wash him up a bit--several bits--and let him come back here and do his +best." + +"Sir, I thank you," said the tramp with dignity. "Your idea is a great +and noble one. My stomach is so empty that it hangs about me in folds. +You have all doubtless seen a balloon awaiting the kindly offices of the +gas-man--that's me. But it will soon be remedied. Adieu for the +present." He left us, with the conductor in the lead and the grinning +darky at his heels. + +"The nerve of those hoboes is something astonishing," said Colonel +Manysnifters, walking up and down, and filling the car with smoke in +order to cover up all traces of our visitor. I'll bet a thousand dollars +that that fellow had as good a chance at the start as any of us,--just +threw himself away,--whiskey, I suppose, or women, or the platers--the +combination more likely. Did you ever see such eyes?--like two burnt +holes in a blanket!" + +"Yet he has the manners of a gentleman, and seems to have had some +education," said Van Rensselaer. "Did you notice his small hands and +rather classic profile? Bathed, shaven, manicured, and properly clothed, +he would be much like the rest of us--externally so, at least." + +"May have been born a gentleman," observed the Colonel, "but he seems to +have outgrown it. A college man, too, no doubt; but what does that +signify? I have a friend who spent about six thousand simoleons on his +son's education, and at the end of three years all the boy had learned +was to wear baggy pants, sport a cane, and yell 'Raw! Raw! Raw!'--very +appropriately--upon the slightest provocation. The kind of chap you will +find dashing through the streets in a forty horse-power automobile with +a hundred fool-power chauffeur in charge. As to the modern young woman, +all the education _she_ wants is to be able to write love-letters! + +"But our visitor is certainly an individual of strong personality!" +grunted Colonel Manysnifters, continuing to blow smoke into all parts of +the car. "Whew! Open the window back of you, Ridley. It is hard to +realize that he has left us! He was certainly not 'born to blush unseen, +nor waste his sweetness on the desert air,' eh?" + +"The tramp problem is becoming a serious one," said Senator Pennypacker +ponderously. "The great army of the unemployed is steadily increasing. +In New York City alone, on October the first of last year, there were no +less than--just a second. I have the data in my bag. I will read you +some figures that will astonish you." + +The Senator arose to get his bag. Faint groans were heard as he left us. +Senators Bull, Wendell, Baker, several Representatives, and the +gentlemen of the press arose as one man and rushed to the button. +President Madison appeared and took the orders. Then Pennypacker +returned with a look of determination on his face, and for fifteen +minutes or more we were regaled with facts, figures, and statistics, all +tending to prove that crime and wretchedness were on the increase +throughout the country; that we were a degenerate people; and other +equally cheerful information. + +The hobo's return was hailed with joy. He was vastly improved in +appearance, and fairly radiated contentment. He sank into the seat that +Colonel Manysnifters had thoughtfully placed for him,--somewhat apart +from the rest,--with a murmur of satisfaction not unlike the loud +purring of a cat. Senator Bull pushed the cigars in his direction, and +Van Rensselaer was equally assiduous with the whiskey and soda. Our +visitor seemed perfectly at home. He drank,--drank deeply,--and wiping +his mouth on his sleeve, drank again. + +"The hair of the goat is certainly good for the butt," said he, smiling, +and displaying a set of marvellously white and regular teeth. "Now, +gentlemen, I am quite ready to fulfil my part of the agreement. If my +little story interests you, you are welcome to it. It was this way. + +"I was a doctor by profession, carpenter by trade, stevedore by +occupation; then came harder times--booze--more booze--despair, illness, +and I found myself discharged from the hospital, down and out--a hobo! +Yet tramp life is not so bad after all. I like it. I like the open-air +existence, the freedom from care and responsibility, and--the hours. I +am much alone, and genius, you know, grows corpulent in solitude. + +"My name is Tippett--Livingstone Tippett. Age, of no special moment. You +know," he said pleasantly, "there are two things all of us lie +about--our ages and our incomes. As this is a true story I will drop the +_age_ question. It is better so. + +"My early life was uneventful. I was brought up by a pious mother in a +quiet, deeply religious home; every influence uplifting and +good-instilling. I was taught, among other things, to regard liquor in +any form with abhorrence, and that drunkenness was the sin of sins. I +was surrounded with every safeguard a loving mother could devise, and it +was not until after her death and my wife's that I took to drink. My +father and grandfather both died drunkards. Heredity, in my case, +overcame both training and environment, and my troubles hurried on the +inevitable. + +"I passed through college unscathed, studied medicine, walked the +hospitals, and began the practice of my profession under the most +favorable auspices. I fell in love with a charming girl, and blessed +with my good mother's approval we were married. Our future seemed +singularly bright and untroubled. Life is a game and I was considerably +ahead of the game. I was certainly playing on velvet. + +"When my Elizabeth and I announced that instead of going abroad we would +spend our honeymoon at 'Raven Hill' our little world thought it quite +absurd. They were charitably inclined, however, and made excuses for us +upon the ground that we were too much absorbed in each other to know +what we were doing. But we did know, nevertheless. Our plans had been +fully matured long before we saw fit to reveal them. To spend a month or +so at Neville Mason's, down in Virginia, appealed very pleasantly to +both of us, and I accepted my old chum's offer with avidity. We were to +have everything to ourselves, with just as many servants as we wanted. + +"We were married. There was a wedding breakfast, flowers, weeping +relatives, old shoes, and a profusion of rice; nothing, in short, was +omitted. A few hours later we left Jersey City on the southbound flyer. +Breaking the journey at Washington, and remaining over night there, we +arrived at the tiny depot near our ultimate destination late on the +evening of the following day. An ancient but still serviceable family +carriage was in waiting, and we were conveyed in state to the mansion. + +"The house at Raven Hill is a huge affair of the Revolutionary period, +with numerous modern additions, which fail entirely to harmonize with +the quaint architecture of the original. The stables and servants' +quarters give the place the appearance of quite a settlement--a survival +of slavery days one sees here and there in the South. + +"We were shown to a suite of sunny rooms in the east wing which had been +especially prepared for us, and soon made ourselves thoroughly at home. +From this agreeable vantage-ground we set out upon many pleasant +expeditions into the countryside, returned the visits of our neighbors, +and attended the chapel at the Crossways in truly rural style. Nothing +amused us as much, though, as the negro servants. To them Elizabeth was +'Honey,' and I, 'Marse Livingstone'; and over at the quarters the little +darkies gave rare exhibitions of dancing for our benefit, while solemn, +gray-haired Uncle Ashby picked a greasy banjo. The men sang in nasal, +but not unmelodious tones, weird, crooning songs, with occasionally an +up-to-date composition which found its way, no doubt, from nearby +Richmond. I shall never forget those happy evenings at Raven Hill; and +in my dreams I often see and hear the negroes as they danced and sang in +the moonlight. + +"There were some good horses in the stables, and we did not spare them. +Our cross-country dashes were most exciting, and the total absence of +fences in the region gave us an apparently limitless expanse over which +to wander. And that reminds me of a never-to-be-forgotten fox hunt which +was attended by riders from all over that section of the country. Half a +dozen foxes were corralled at the 'round-up,' and I could not help +thinking how tame our alleged 'chases' at home appeared by the contrast. + +"One day while roaming about the lower portion of the Raven Hill estate +we stumbled quite by accident into Dark Forest, vaguely hinted at by the +negroes as a place to be avoided. This Dark Forest is a large tract of +scrub oak, birch and holly, with dense undergrowths of briar; the haunt +of innumerable small birds that dart in and out, chirping faintly. In +its depressed portions the 'forest' has degenerated into a marsh through +which a sluggish stream wends it way to the distant river. Slimy +reptiles bask in the warm sun and glide lazily over the black, oozy +soil. At intervals the stillness is broken by the splash of a gigantic +bullfrog returning to his favorite pool. This acrobatic feat is usually +accompanied by a deep-throated cry of satisfaction, not unlike the +twanging of an ill-tuned guitar. On the edges of the marsh mud-covered +terrapins drag themselves through the weeds and disappear with +surprising swiftness when they see an intruder. + +"Through this singular region, and overgrown with rank, sedgy grass, is +a wagon trail, here and there along its winding course several inches +under water; and into this wretched road we turned our horses. After a +half a mile or so we left the marsh and struck into firmer ground. Then +came a sharp bend in the undergrowth, and a clearing, several acres in +extent, burst into view. Here stood a white-washed cabin in the midst of +a little garden enclosed by a paling fence, and tall sunflowers, swaying +to and fro in the breeze, brushed the low-hanging eaves. Flowers grew +everywhere in profusion, and the rude porch at the front of the dwelling +was half buried in a mass of fragrant honey-suckle. White curtains, +gracefully looped, hung at the windows, and there was a charming air of +femininity and comfort about the place. We dismounted, and tied our +horses at the gate. As we approached the cabin an immense cat dozing on +the stoop sprang up hurriedly and darted into the vines. We knocked +repeatedly at the door without response. Finally, some one was heard +approaching, so we walked to the lean-to at the rear, and there saw, +coming up from the spring at the foot of the enclosure, a young and +astonishingly pretty girl. She was not at all startled by seeing us; in +fact, led us to believe from her manner that we were rather expected +than otherwise. + +"'Walk right in,' said the little beauty. 'I reckon you folks must be +pretty well beat out after your long ride in the hot sun. It's a goodish +bit from here to the Hill, ain't it?' + +"'How do you know that we are from the Hill?' I asked in surprise. + +"'Oh, I know,' she replied. 'I saw ye both at the station when ye first +come, and then again at meetin' on Sunday. And you air a bride?' she +added, turning to my wife. + +"'Yes, and a very happy one,' said Elizabeth, placing her hand upon my +shoulder in loving fashion. The child, for she was hardly more than +that, gave an odd little sigh, but quickly brightened up again. + +"'I'm downright glad ye came,' she said heartily. 'I do so like folks to +be neighborly and sociable. Ye ain't stuck up, nuther, like most city +folks; no airs, nor the like o' that. Pap'll be home soon, and he'll be +glad to see ye too!' + +"Then she prepared a nice luncheon in the living-room. The lightest +bread, delicious butter, preserved peaches, and some slices of +marvellous old ham; this, with a stone pitcher of cool, foamy milk, made +life very pleasant to the weary travelers. The girl declined to join us, +but sat near at hand, gazing intently at my wife. No detail of +Elizabeth's attire seemed to escape her. + +"'Oh,' said she, partly to herself, 'what beautiful, beautiful clothes!' +And I registered a vow that she should have just such an outfit as soon +as we went back to New York. + +"'That child, properly dressed, would attract attention anywhere; she +does not look at all bourgeois,' said my wife; and this from Elizabeth, +whose grandmother was a Boston Higglesworth, was a concession indeed. + +"'Do not tell her so,' said I; 'it would certainly spoil her. She _is_ +uncommonly pretty, I'll admit; but unless something unforeseen happens +she will probably marry within her own sphere of life, toil unceasingly, +rear a brood of uncouth bumpkins--a hag at thirty, and thus fulfil her +destiny.' + +"Elizabeth looked exceeding wise, but said nothing. + +"Ailsee came to us at that moment, and I looked at her closely as she +stood in the sunlight, her bonnet dangling from her arm. She was +undeniably beautiful--a dainty little head, crowned with a wealth of +golden-brown hair, sweet hazel eyes, a lovely mouth, and the most +bewitching dimples. There was nothing of the milkmaid style about her, +for she lacked the vivid coloring and tendency to embonpoint of the +typical rustic beauty. I pictured her to myself entering the room at one +of the Bachelors' on the arm of the leader of the cotillion, and the +subsequent sensation and heart-burnings. + +"My reverie was interrupted by a hoarse voice calling, 'Ailsee! +Ailsee!'--seemingly just over in the forest. + +"'Dad wants me,' she said with a smile. 'I'll go and fetch him back with +me. Please you folks wait a moment.' And she tripped lightly down the +garden and out into the wilderness beyond. + +"Ten or fifteen minutes slipped by without the return of either Ailsee +or her father. The footfalls in the forest died away, and the stillness +was becoming oppressive. + +"'Remarkable, truly,' said my wife, with a puzzled expression. 'Where +could she have gone? Do you think her father is keeping her? Dearest,' +she added gravely, 'don't laugh, I feel--I feel--that something dreadful +is going to happen. I don't know exactly what, but----' + +"'Of course you don't know exactly what,' I interrupted. 'Come now, be a +sensible little woman. You surely don't believe in presentiments. It is +the heat; this sticky, Southern heat! I feel a little queer myself.' + +"But nothing I could say quite banished the singular fancy which had +taken possession of my young wife. Womenkind cling tenaciously to absurd +ideas, especially when they are of the worrying kind; and Elizabeth +looked so troubled and sad that I soon caught the feeling and became +melancholy too. + +"It was long past noon and intensely sultry, and we were sitting on the +porch where occasionally the faintest shadow of a breeze made life more +endurable. Our horses, maddened by the flies and heat, chafed and +stamped restlessly out at the gate. Elizabeth tried to amuse herself +with a huge album of daguerreotypes which occupied the place of honor in +the cabin parlor, and I smoked and lounged about, wondering what had +become of Ailsee. + +"'Well,' said I at last, 'we can not wait here forever. If I am not +greatly mistaken there will be a storm before night, and we had better +get out of this at once. We can come down here some other day and renew +our acquaintance with the mysterious child of the forest.' So back +through the marsh we splashed our way, and arrived at Raven Hill barely +in time to escape the storm, which broke with fury just as Uncle Ashby +came around for our mud-bespattered steeds. + +"Elizabeth went upstairs to change her dress and rest before dinner, and +I settled down in the library with the _Country Gentleman_. There was a +knock at the door, and Uncle Ashby came in. + +"'Marse Livingstone,' he asked huskily, 'whar has you been wif de +horses?' + +"I told him; and during the brief account of our adventures his face +grew ashen and his eyes seemed about to start out of his head. When I +was through he tottered over to the window, muttering, 'Gawd help us! +Gawd help us!' + +"'What's the matter, Uncle Ashby?' I asked curiously. 'What on earth are +you so excited about?' + +"'Boss,' said he entreatingly, 'doan' make me tell you--you'll be sorry +ef you do. 'Deed, Marster, I really mus' go now, sah; dey's waitin' fer +me at de stables. And youse been down dar an' seen it! Oh, Lordy, +Lordy!' + +"'Come back here,' said I, my curiosity getting the better of me. 'Don't +be a fool, old man; brace up. What's the trouble? You are not afraid to +speak out, eh?' + +"'Well, Marse Livingstone, ef I mus' tell you, I 'spose I mus'--thar +doan' 'pear to be no help fer it. But I'd ruther not, boss; 'deed, I'd +ruther not.' + +"'Go on; tell your story,' said I impatiently. 'I guess I can stand it. +Just try me, anyhow.' So in the semi-darkness a marvellous tale was +unfolded to my ears. + +"In the first place, Uncle Ashby solemnly assured me that I had that day +seen a ghost. The flesh-and-blood Ailsee, he declared, had been dead +many years. Her father, Coot Harris, was a rough customer who took up +his abode in the marsh--'mash,' Uncle Tucker called it--at the close of +the Civil War. Here he gained a precarious livelihood by 'pot-hunting'; +for Harris and others of his ilk paid but little attention to the poorly +enforced game laws of the section. Coot Harris, the marshman, had a +daughter, who, as Uncle Ashby contemptuously remarked, 'was peart enuff, +as pore white trash folkses go.' + +"This daughter was named Ailsee. Thwarted by her father in some love +affair with a swain of the neighborhood, she had drowned herself in a +gloomy pool in the very darkest part of the forest. The body was found +shortly afterward and buried in the cottage garden. Harris then left the +country and has never since been heard of. All this, according to Uncle +Ashby, happened twenty years ago. The ghost of the ill-starred Ailsee +had occasionally been seen by the country folk, but always with dire +results. Bad luck, disease, and in some cases death, had been the fate +of those who saw the 'ha'nt.' One man lost his house by fire within +forty-eight hours after the shadowy form crossed his path. The body of +another unfortunate was found floating in the creek; his eyes wide open, +staring horribly. The drowned man had but the day before made known the +fact that he had seen the wraith of the marshman's daughter. Still +another poor fellow had been taken, raving and violent, to the asylum. +Numerous additional instances, equally as harrowing, were cited by Uncle +Ashby, whose fervent belief in all that he said was rather impressive +than otherwise. + +"I listened patiently to the old man until he finished. By that time the +storm had ceased and the sky, suddenly clearing in the west, revealed +the last rays of the setting sun, which brightened the room for a few +moments. I laughed softly when Uncle Ashby went out, and all that I had +heard of the ignorance, credulity, and superstition of the Southern +negro came into my mind. I sat for a while, musing in the gathering +dusk, and then went up to my room. + +"The lamps had not been lighted in that portion of the house, and it was +quite dark. The atmosphere was stifling, as all the windows had been +closed at the approach of the storm. I raised them, and the cool, damp +air, heavy with the odor of jessamine, floated into the room. Elizabeth, +evidently greatly fatigued by the day's exertions, had thrown herself +upon a lounge at the foot of the bed. She was in her dressing-gown, and +her face was framed in masses of wavy brown hair which had become +uncoiled in her restless movements. I hesitated to awaken her, but as +sounds from below indicated the near approach of dinner I called her--at +first softly, and then in louder tones, an indefinable fear stealing +over me as I did so. I approached the couch, and tremblingly placed my +hand upon her forehead.... Ah, God, I cannot tell the rest! + +"Seven years have dragged their weary length along since I lost my dear +young wife and the light of my life was extinguished forever! Now, all +is darkness! darkness! + +"Subsequent investigation, supported by the testimony of well-known and +thoroughly reliable residents of the country, confirmed in every +particular the truth of Uncle Ashby's story. A visit to the marshman's +cottage some days after my wife's death revealed a ruinous mouldering +habitation, in the midst of a wilderness of weeds and vines. A mournful, +desolate spot, shunned and avoided by all for the past twenty years, and +yet had I not seen----" Tippett paused abruptly, with bowed head and +eyes tear-dimmed. + +"Here, old chap, take this," said Colonel Manysnifters, hastily pouring +out and handing him a stiff drink. Tippett, obeying, was somewhat +revived, and continued. + +"I returned to Brooklyn with the body of my wife. My mother followed her +to the grave a few months later. All in the world that was dear to me +was now lost. I took to drink; I sunk lower and lower, dissipated my +little fortune, friends forsook me; and by quick stages in the +descending scale I found myself, as I said before--an outcast! Yet, +through all my troubles I have never entertained the thought of +self-destruction. I have no desire whatever to seek-- + + "'The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn + No traveler returns,--puzzles the will, + And makes us rather bear those ills we have + Than to fly to others we know not of.'" + +It was long after midnight when Tippett concluded his story and the +gathering broke up; not, however, before sleeping-quarters had been +found for the unfortunate man, and a promise given by Senator Bull to +put him on his feet again in the far West--an offer gladly accepted in +all sincerity, and a venture which proved highly successful, as most of +the long-headed Senator's usually did. + +Morning brought relief, the track was cleared, and our train proceeded +on its way, arriving at Washington many hours behind schedule; its +occupants but little the worse for their experience--Colonel +Manysnifters, I believe, with a slight headache. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Statesmen Snowbound, by Robert Fitzgerald + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STATESMEN SNOWBOUND *** + +***** This file should be named 19966.txt or 19966.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/9/6/19966/ + +Produced by Brian Janes, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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