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diff --git a/19987-8.txt b/19987-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e72e556 --- /dev/null +++ b/19987-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11350 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Chapters from My Autobiography, by Mark Twain + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Chapters from My Autobiography + +Author: Mark Twain + +Release Date: December 1, 2006 [EBook #19987] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY *** + + + + +Produced by Betsie Bush, Chuck Greif, Martin Pettit, John +Greenman, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DXCVIII. + +SEPTEMBER 7, 1906 + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--I.[1] + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + + PREFATORY NOTE.--Mr. Clemens began to write his autobiography many + years ago, and he continues to add to it day by day. It was his + original intention to permit no publication of his memoirs until + after his death; but, after leaving "Pier No. 70," he concluded + that a considerable portion might now suitably be given to the + public. It is that portion, garnered from the quarter-million of + words already written, which will appear in this REVIEW during the + coming year. No part of the autobiography will be published in book + form during the lifetime of the author.--EDITOR N. A. R. + + +INTRODUCTION. + +I intend that this autobiography shall become a model for all future +autobiographies when it is published, after my death, and I also intend +that it shall be read and admired a good many centuries because of its +form and method--a form and method whereby the past and the present are +constantly brought face to face, resulting in contrasts which newly fire +up the interest all along, like contact of flint with steel. Moreover, +this autobiography of mine does not select from my life its showy +episodes, but deals mainly in the common experiences which go to make up +the life of the average human being, because these episodes are of a +sort which he is familiar with in his own life, and in which he sees his +own life reflected and set down in print. The usual, conventional +autobiographer seems to particularly hunt out those occasions in his +career when he came into contact with celebrated persons, whereas his +contacts with the uncelebrated were just as interesting to him, and +would be to his reader, and were vastly more numerous than his +collisions with the famous. + +Howells was here yesterday afternoon, and I told him the whole scheme of +this autobiography and its apparently systemless system--only apparently +systemless, for it is not really that. It is a deliberate system, and +the law of the system is that I shall talk about the matter which for +the moment interests me, and cast it aside and talk about something else +the moment its interest for me is exhausted. It is a system which +follows no charted course and is not going to follow any such course. It +is a system which is a complete and purposed jumble--a course which +begins nowhere, follows no specified route, and can never reach an end +while I am alive, for the reason that, if I should talk to the +stenographer two hours a day for a hundred years, I should still never +be able to set down a tenth part of the things which have interested me +in my lifetime. I told Howells that this autobiography of mine would +live a couple of thousand years, without any effort, and would then take +a fresh start and live the rest of the time. + +He said he believed it would, and asked me if I meant to make a library +of it. + +I said that that was my design; but that, if I should live long enough, +the set of volumes could not be contained merely in a city, it would +require a State, and that there would not be any multi-billionaire +alive, perhaps, at any time during its existence who would be able to +buy a full set, except on the instalment plan. + +Howells applauded, and was full of praises and endorsement, which was +wise in him and judicious. If he had manifested a different spirit, I +would have thrown him out of the window. I like criticism, but it must +be my way. + + +I. + +Back of the Virginia Clemenses is a dim procession of ancestors +stretching back to Noah's time. According to tradition, some of them +were pirates and slavers in Elizabeth's time. But this is no discredit +to them, for so were Drake and Hawkins and the others. It was a +respectable trade, then, and monarchs were partners in it. In my time I +have had desires to be a pirate myself. The reader--if he will look deep +down in his secret heart, will find--but never mind what he will find +there; I am not writing his Autobiography, but mine. Later, according to +tradition, one of the procession was Ambassador to Spain in the time of +James I, or of Charles I, and married there and sent down a strain of +Spanish blood to warm us up. Also, according to tradition, this one or +another--Geoffrey Clement, by name--helped to sentence Charles to death. + +I have not examined into these traditions myself, partly because I was +indolent, and partly because I was so busy polishing up this end of the +line and trying to make it showy; but the other Clemenses claim that +they have made the examination and that it stood the test. Therefore I +have always taken for granted that I did help Charles out of his +troubles, by ancestral proxy. My instincts have persuaded me, too. +Whenever we have a strong and persistent and ineradicable instinct, we +may be sure that it is not original with us, but inherited--inherited +from away back, and hardened and perfected by the petrifying influence +of time. Now I have been always and unchangingly bitter against Charles, +and I am quite certain that this feeling trickled down to me through the +veins of my forebears from the heart of that judge; for it is not my +disposition to be bitter against people on my own personal account I am +not bitter against Jeffreys. I ought to be, but I am not. It indicates +that my ancestors of James II's time were indifferent to him; I do not +know why; I never could make it out; but that is what it indicates. And +I have always felt friendly toward Satan. Of course that is ancestral; +it must be in the blood, for I could not have originated it. + +... And so, by the testimony of instinct, backed by the assertions of +Clemenses who said they had examined the records, I have always been +obliged to believe that Geoffrey Clement the martyr-maker was an +ancestor of mine, and to regard him with favor, and in fact pride. This +has not had a good effect upon me, for it has made me vain, and that is +a fault. It has made me set myself above people who were less fortunate +in their ancestry than I, and has moved me to take them down a peg, upon +occasion, and say things to them which hurt them before company. + +A case of the kind happened in Berlin several years ago. William Walter +Phelps was our Minister at the Emperor's Court, then, and one evening he +had me to dinner to meet Count S., a cabinet minister. This nobleman was +of long and illustrious descent. Of course I wanted to let out the fact +that I had some ancestors, too; but I did not want to pull them out of +their graves by the ears, and I never could seem to get the chance to +work them in in a way that would look sufficiently casual. I suppose +Phelps was in the same difficulty. In fact he looked distraught, now and +then--just as a person looks who wants to uncover an ancestor purely by +accident, and cannot think of a way that will seem accidental enough. +But at last, after dinner, he made a try. He took us about his +drawing-room, showing us the pictures, and finally stopped before a rude +and ancient engraving. It was a picture of the court that tried Charles +I. There was a pyramid of judges in Puritan slouch hats, and below them +three bare-headed secretaries seated at a table. Mr. Phelps put his +finger upon one of the three, and said with exulting indifference-- + +"An ancestor of mine." + +I put my finger on a judge, and retorted with scathing languidness-- + +"Ancestor of mine. But it is a small matter. I have others." + +It was not noble in me to do it. I have always regretted it since. But +it landed him. I wonder how he felt? However, it made no difference in +our friendship, which shows that he was fine and high, notwithstanding +the humbleness of his origin. And it was also creditable in me, too, +that I could overlook it. I made no change in my bearing toward him, but +always treated him as an equal. + +But it was a hard night for me in one way. Mr. Phelps thought I was the +guest of honor, and so did Count S.; but I didn't, for there was nothing +in my invitation to indicate it. It was just a friendly offhand note, on +a card. By the time dinner was announced Phelps was himself in a state +of doubt. Something had to be done; and it was not a handy time for +explanations. He tried to get me to go out with him, but I held back; +then he tried S., and he also declined. There was another guest, but +there was no trouble about him. We finally went out in a pile. There was +a decorous plunge for seats, and I got the one at Mr. Phelps's left, the +Count captured the one facing Phelps, and the other guest had to take +the place of honor, since he could not help himself. We returned to the +drawing-room in the original disorder. I had new shoes on, and they were +tight. At eleven I was privately crying; I couldn't help it, the pain +was so cruel. Conversation had been dead for an hour. S. had been due at +the bedside of a dying official ever since half past nine. At last we +all rose by one blessed impulse and went down to the street door without +explanations--in a pile, and no precedence; and so, parted. + +The evening had its defects; still, I got my ancestor in, and was +satisfied. + +Among the Virginian Clemenses were Jere. (already mentioned), and +Sherrard. Jere. Clemens had a wide reputation as a good pistol-shot, and +once it enabled him to get on the friendly side of some drummers when +they wouldn't have paid any attention to mere smooth words and +arguments. He was out stumping the State at the time. The drummers were +grouped in front of the stand, and had been hired by the opposition to +drum while he made his speech. When he was ready to begin, he got out +his revolver and laid it before him, and said in his soft, silky way-- + +"I do not wish to hurt anybody, and shall try not to; but I have got +just a bullet apiece for those six drums, and if you should want to play +on them, don't stand behind them." + +Sherrard Clemens was a Republican Congressman from West Virginia in the +war days, and then went out to St. Louis, where the James Clemens branch +lived, and still lives, and there he became a warm rebel. This was after +the war. At the time that he was a Republican I was a rebel; but by the +time he had become a rebel I was become (temporarily) a Republican. The +Clemenses have always done the best they could to keep the political +balances level, no matter how much it might inconvenience them. I did +not know what had become of Sherrard Clemens; but once I introduced +Senator Hawley to a Republican mass meeting in New England, and then I +got a bitter letter from Sherrard from St. Louis. He said that the +Republicans of the North--no, the "mudsills of the North"--had swept +away the old aristocracy of the South with fire and sword, and it ill +became me, an aristocrat by blood, to train with that kind of swine. Did +I forget that I was a Lambton? + +That was a reference to my mother's side of the house. As I have already +said, she was a Lambton--Lambton with a p, for some of the American +Lamptons could not spell very well in early times, and so the name +suffered at their hands. She was a native of Kentucky, and married my +father in Lexington in 1823, when she was twenty years old and he +twenty-four. Neither of them had an overplus of property. She brought +him two or three negroes, but nothing else, I think. They removed to the +remote and secluded village of Jamestown, in the mountain solitudes of +east Tennessee. There their first crop of children was born, but as I +was of a later vintage I do not remember anything about it. I was +postponed--postponed to Missouri. Missouri was an unknown new State and +needed attractions. + +I think that my eldest brother, Orion, my sisters Pamela and Margaret, +and my brother Benjamin were born in Jamestown. There may have been +others, but as to that I am not sure. It was a great lift for that +little village to have my parents come there. It was hoped that they +would stay, so that it would become a city. It was supposed that they +would stay. And so there was a boom; but by and by they went away, and +prices went down, and it was many years before Jamestown got another +start. I have written about Jamestown in the "Gilded Age," a book of +mine, but it was from hearsay, not from personal knowledge. My father +left a fine estate behind him in the region round about +Jamestown--75,000 acres.[2] When he died in 1847 he had owned it about +twenty years. The taxes were almost nothing (five dollars a year for the +whole), and he had always paid them regularly and kept his title +perfect. He had always said that the land would not become valuable in +his time, but that it would be a commodious provision for his children +some day. It contained coal, copper, iron and timber, and he said that +in the course of time railways would pierce to that region, and then the +property would be property in fact as well as in name. It also produced +a wild grape of a promising sort. He had sent some samples to Nicholas +Longworth, of Cincinnati, to get his judgment upon them, and Mr. +Longworth had said that they would make as good wine as his Catawbas. +The land contained all these riches; and also oil, but my father did not +know that, and of course in those early days he would have cared nothing +about it if he had known it. The oil was not discovered until about +1895. I wish I owned a couple of acres of the land now. In which case I +would not be writing Autobiographies for a living. My father's dying +charge was, "Cling to the land and wait; let nothing beguile it away +from you." My mother's favorite cousin, James Lampton, who figures in +the "Gilded Age" as "Colonel Sellers," always said of that land--and +said it with blazing enthusiasm, too,--"There's millions in +it--millions!" It is true that he always said that about everything--and +was always mistaken, too; but this time he was right; which shows that a +man who goes around with a prophecy-gun ought never to get discouraged; +if he will keep up his heart and fire at everything he sees, he is bound +to hit something by and by. + +Many persons regarded "Colonel Sellers" as a fiction, an invention, an +extravagant impossibility, and did me the honor to call him a +"creation"; but they were mistaken. I merely put him on paper as he was; +he was not a person who could be exaggerated. The incidents which looked +most extravagant, both in the book and on the stage, were not inventions +of mine but were facts of his life; and I was present when they were +developed. John T. Raymond's audiences used to come near to dying with +laughter over the turnip-eating scene; but, extravagant as the scene +was, it was faithful to the facts, in all its absurd details. The thing +happened in Lampton's own house, and I was present. In fact I was myself +the guest who ate the turnips. In the hands of a great actor that +piteous scene would have dimmed any manly spectator's eyes with tears, +and racked his ribs apart with laughter at the same time. But Raymond +was great in humorous portrayal only. In that he was superb, he was +wonderful--in a word, great; in all things else he was a pigmy of the +pigmies. + +The real Colonel Sellers, as I knew him in James Lampton, was a pathetic +and beautiful spirit, a manly man, a straight and honorable man, a man +with a big, foolish, unselfish heart in his bosom, a man born to be +loved; and he was loved by all his friends, and by his family +worshipped. It is the right word. To them he was but little less than a +god. The real Colonel Sellers was never on the stage. Only half of him +was there. Raymond could not play the other half of him; it was above +his level. That half was made up of qualities of which Raymond was +wholly destitute. For Raymond was not a manly man, he was not an +honorable man nor an honest one, he was empty and selfish and vulgar and +ignorant and silly, and there was a vacancy in him where his heart +should have been. There was only one man who could have played the whole +of Colonel Sellers, and that was Frank Mayo.[3] + +It is a world of surprises. They fall, too, where one is least expecting +them. When I introduced Sellers into the book, Charles Dudley Warner, +who was writing the story with me, proposed a change of Seller's +Christian name. Ten years before, in a remote corner of the West, he had +come across a man named Eschol Sellers, and he thought that Eschol was +just the right and fitting name for our Sellers, since it was odd and +quaint and all that. I liked the idea, but I said that that man might +turn up and object. But Warner said it couldn't happen; that he was +doubtless dead by this time, a man with a name like that couldn't live +long; and be he dead or alive we must have the name, it was exactly the +right one and we couldn't do without it. So the change was made. +Warner's man was a farmer in a cheap and humble way. When the book had +been out a week, a college-bred gentleman of courtly manners and ducal +upholstery arrived in Hartford in a sultry state of mind and with a +libel suit in his eye, and _his_ name was Eschol Sellers! He had never +heard of the other one, and had never been within a thousand miles of +him. This damaged aristocrat's programme was quite definite and +businesslike: the American Publishing Company must suppress the edition +as far as printed, and change the name in the plates, or stand a suit +for $10,000. He carried away the Company's promise and many apologies, +and we changed the name back to Colonel Mulberry Sellers, in the plates. +Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen. Even the existence of +two unrelated men wearing the impossible name of Eschol Sellers is a +possible thing. + +James Lampton floated, all his days, in a tinted mist of magnificent +dreams, and died at last without seeing one of them realized. I saw him +last in 1884, when it had been twenty-six years since I ate the basin of +raw turnips and washed them down with a bucket of water in his house. He +was become old and white-headed, but he entered to me in the same old +breezy way of his earlier life, and he was all there, yet--not a detail +wanting: the happy light in his eye, the abounding hope in his heart, +the persuasive tongue, the miracle-breeding imagination--they were all +there; and before I could turn around he was polishing up his Aladdin's +lamp and flashing the secret riches of the world before me. I said to +myself, "I did not overdraw him by a shade, I set him down as he was; +and he is the same man to-day. Cable will recognize him." I asked him to +excuse me a moment, and ran into the next room, which was Cable's; Cable +and I were stumping the Union on a reading tour. I said-- + +"I am going to leave your door open, so that you can listen. There is a +man in there who is interesting." + +I went back and asked Lampton what he was doing now. He began to tell me +of a "small venture" he had begun in New Mexico through his son; "only a +little thing--a mere trifle--partly to amuse my leisure, partly to keep +my capital from lying idle, but mainly to develop the boy--develop the +boy; fortune's wheel is ever revolving, he may have to work for his +living some day--as strange things have happened in this world. But it's +only a little thing--a mere trifle, as I said." + +And so it was--as he began it. But under his deft hands it grew, and +blossomed, and spread--oh, beyond imagination. At the end of half an +hour he finished; finished with the remark, uttered in an adorably +languid manner: + +"Yes, it is but a trifle, as things go nowadays--a bagatelle--but +amusing. It passes the time. The boy thinks great things of it, but he +is young, you know, and imaginative; lacks the experience which comes of +handling large affairs, and which tempers the fancy and perfects the +judgment. I suppose there's a couple of millions in it, possibly three, +but not more, I think; still, for a boy, you know, just starting in +life, it is not bad. I should not want him to make a fortune--let that +come later. It could turn his head, at his time of life, and in many +ways be a damage to him." + +Then he said something about his having left his pocketbook lying on the +table in the main drawing-room at home, and about its being after +banking hours, now, and-- + +I stopped him, there, and begged him to honor Cable and me by being our +guest at the lecture--with as many friends as might be willing to do us +the like honor. He accepted. And he thanked me as a prince might who +had granted us a grace. The reason I stopped his speech about the +tickets was because I saw that he was going to ask me to furnish them to +him and let him pay next day; and I knew that if he made the debt he +would pay it if he had to pawn his clothes. After a little further chat +he shook hands heartily and affectionately, and took his leave. Cable +put his head in at the door, and said-- + +"That was Colonel Sellers." + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] Copyright, 1906, by Harper & Brothers. All Rights Reserved. + +[2] Correction. 1906: it was above 100,000, it appears. + +[3] Raymond was playing "Colonel Sellers" in 1876 and along there. About +twenty years later Mayo dramatized "Pudd'nhead Wilson" and played the +title role delightfully. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DXCIX. + +SEPTEMBER 21, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--II. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +II. + +My experiences as an author began early in 1867. I came to New York from +San Francisco in the first month of that year and presently Charles H. +Webb, whom I had known in San Francisco as a reporter on _The Bulletin_, +and afterward editor of _The Californian_, suggested that I publish a +volume of sketches. I had but a slender reputation to publish it on, but +I was charmed and excited by the suggestion and quite willing to venture +it if some industrious person would save me the trouble of gathering the +sketches together. I was loath to do it myself, for from the beginning +of my sojourn in this world there was a persistent vacancy in me where +the industry ought to be. ("Ought to was" is better, perhaps, though +the most of the authorities differ as to this.) + +Webb said I had some reputation in the Atlantic States, but I knew quite +well that it must be of a very attenuated sort. What there was of it +rested upon the story of "The Jumping Frog." When Artemus Ward passed +through California on a lecturing tour, in 1865 or '66, I told him the +"Jumping Frog" story, in San Francisco, and he asked me to write it out +and send it to his publisher, Carleton, in New York, to be used in +padding out a small book which Artemus had prepared for the press and +which needed some more stuffing to make it big enough for the price +which was to be charged for it. + +It reached Carleton in time, but he didn't think much of it, and was not +willing to go to the typesetting expense of adding it to the book. He +did not put it in the waste-basket, but made Henry Clapp a present of +it, and Clapp used it to help out the funeral of his dying literary +journal, _The Saturday Press_. "The Jumping Frog" appeared in the last +number of that paper, was the most joyous feature of the obsequies, and +was at once copied in the newspapers of America and England. It +certainly had a wide celebrity, and it still had it at the time that I +am speaking of--but I was aware that it was only the frog that was +celebrated. It wasn't I. I was still an obscurity. + +Webb undertook to collate the sketches. He performed this office, then +handed the result to me, and I went to Carleton's establishment with it. +I approached a clerk and he bent eagerly over the counter to inquire +into my needs; but when he found that I had come to sell a book and not +to buy one, his temperature fell sixty degrees, and the old-gold +intrenchments in the roof of my mouth contracted three-quarters of an +inch and my teeth fell out. I meekly asked the privilege of a word with +Mr. Carleton, and was coldly informed that he was in his private office. +Discouragements and difficulties followed, but after a while I got by +the frontier and entered the holy of holies. Ah, now I remember how I +managed it! Webb had made an appointment for me with Carleton; otherwise +I never should have gotten over that frontier. Carleton rose and said +brusquely and aggressively, + +"Well, what can I do for you?" + +I reminded him that I was there by appointment to offer him my book for +publication. He began to swell, and went on swelling and swelling and +swelling until he had reached the dimensions of a god of about the +second or third degree. Then the fountains of his great deep were broken +up, and for two or three minutes I couldn't see him for the rain. It was +words, only words, but they fell so densely that they darkened the +atmosphere. Finally he made an imposing sweep with his right hand, which +comprehended the whole room and said, + +"Books--look at those shelves! Every one of them is loaded with books +that are waiting for publication. Do I want any more? Excuse me, I +don't. Good morning." + +Twenty-one years elapsed before I saw Carleton again. I was then +sojourning with my family at the Schweitzerhof, in Luzerne. He called on +me, shook hands cordially, and said at once, without any preliminaries, + +"I am substantially an obscure person, but I have at least one +distinction to my credit of such colossal dimensions that it entitles me +to immortality--to wit: I refused a book of yours, and for this I stand +without competitor as the prize ass of the nineteenth century." + +It was a most handsome apology, and I told him so, and said it was a +long-delayed revenge but was sweeter to me than any other that could be +devised; that during the lapsed twenty-one years I had in fancy taken +his life several times every year, and always in new and increasingly +cruel and inhuman ways, but that now I was pacified, appeased, happy, +even jubilant; and that thenceforth I should hold him my true and valued +friend and never kill him again. + +I reported my adventure to Webb, and he bravely said that not all the +Carletons in the universe should defeat that book; he would publish it +himself on a ten per cent. royalty. And so he did. He brought it out in +blue and gold, and made a very pretty little book of it, I think he +named it "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other +Sketches," price $1.25. He made the plates and printed and bound the +book through a job-printing house, and published it through the American +News Company. + +In June I sailed in the _Quaker City_ Excursion. I returned in November, +and in Washington found a letter from Elisha Bliss, of the American +Publishing Company of Hartford, offering me five per cent. royalty on a +book which should recount the adventures of the Excursion. In lieu of +the royalty, I was offered the alternative of ten thousand dollars cash +upon delivery of the manuscript. I consulted A. D. Richardson and he +said "take the royalty." I followed his advice and closed with Bliss. By +my contract I was to deliver the manuscript in July of 1868. I wrote the +book in San Francisco and delivered the manuscript within contract time. +Bliss provided a multitude of illustrations for the book, and then +stopped work on it. The contract date for the issue went by, and there +was no explanation of this. Time drifted along and still there was no +explanation. I was lecturing all over the country; and about thirty +times a day, on an average, I was trying to answer this conundrum: + +"When is your book coming out?" + +I got tired of inventing new answers to that question, and by and by I +got horribly tired of the question itself. Whoever asked it became my +enemy at once, and I was usually almost eager to make that appear. + +As soon as I was free of the lecture-field I hastened to Hartford to +make inquiries. Bliss said that the fault was not his; that he wanted to +publish the book but the directors of his Company were staid old fossils +and were afraid of it. They had examined the book, and the majority of +them were of the opinion that there were places in it of a humorous +character. Bliss said the house had never published a book that had a +suspicion like that attaching to it, and that the directors were afraid +that a departure of this kind would seriously injure the house's +reputation; that he was tied hand and foot, and was not permitted to +carry out his contract. One of the directors, a Mr. Drake--at least he +was the remains of what had once been a Mr. Drake--invited me to take a +ride with him in his buggy, and I went along. He was a pathetic old +relic, and his ways and his talk were also pathetic. He had a delicate +purpose in view and it took him some time to hearten himself +sufficiently to carry it out, but at last he accomplished it. He +explained the house's difficulty and distress, as Bliss had already +explained it. Then he frankly threw himself and the house upon my mercy +and begged me to take away "The Innocents Abroad" and release the +concern from the contract. I said I wouldn't--and so ended the interview +and the buggy excursion. Then I warned Bliss that he must get to work or +I should make trouble. He acted upon the warning, and set up the book +and I read the proofs. Then there was another long wait and no +explanation. At last toward the end of July (1869, I think), I lost +patience and telegraphed Bliss that if the book was not on sale in +twenty-four hours I should bring suit for damages. + +That ended the trouble. Half a dozen copies were bound and placed on +sale within the required time. Then the canvassing began, and went +briskly forward. In nine months the book took the publishing house out +of debt, advanced its stock from twenty-five to two hundred, and left +seventy thousand dollars profit to the good. It was Bliss that told me +this--but if it was true, it was the first time that he had told the +truth in sixty-five years. He was born in 1804. + + +III. + +... This was in 1849. I was fourteen years old, then. We were still +living in Hannibal, Missouri, on the banks of the Mississippi, in the +new "frame" house built by my father five years before. That is, some of +us lived in the new part, the rest in the old part back of it--the "L." +In the autumn my sister gave a party, and invited all the marriageable +young people of the village. I was too young for this society, and was +too bashful to mingle with young ladies, anyway, therefore I was not +invited--at least not for the whole evening. Ten minutes of it was to be +my whole share. I was to do the part of a bear in a small fairy play. I +was to be disguised all over in a close-fitting brown hairy stuff proper +for a bear. About half past ten I was told to go to my room and put on +this disguise, and be ready in half an hour. I started, but changed my +mind; for I wanted to practise a little, and that room was very small. I +crossed over to the large unoccupied house on the corner of Main and +Hill streets,[4] unaware that a dozen of the young people were also +going there to dress for their parts. I took the little black slave boy, +Sandy, with me, and we selected a roomy and empty chamber on the second +floor. We entered it talking, and this gave a couple of half-dressed +young ladies an opportunity to take refuge behind a screen undiscovered. +Their gowns and things were hanging on hooks behind the door, but I did +not see them; it was Sandy that shut the door, but all his heart was in +the theatricals, and he was as unlikely to notice them as I was myself. + +That was a rickety screen, with many holes in it, but as I did not know +there were girls behind it, I was not disturbed by that detail. If I had +known, I could not have undressed in the flood of cruel moonlight that +was pouring in at the curtainless windows; I should have died of shame. +Untroubled by apprehensions, I stripped to the skin and began my +practice. I was full of ambition; I was determined to make a hit; I was +burning to establish a reputation as a bear and get further engagements; +so I threw myself into my work with an abandon that promised great +things. I capered back and forth from one end of the room to the other +on all fours, Sandy applauding with enthusiasm; I walked upright and +growled and snapped and snarled; I stood on my head, I flung +handsprings, I danced a lubberly dance with my paws bent and my +imaginary snout sniffing from side to side; I did everything a bear +could do, and many things which no bear could ever do and no bear with +any dignity would want to do, anyway; and of course I never suspected +that I was making a spectacle of myself to any one but Sandy. At last, +standing on my head, I paused in that attitude to take a minute's rest. +There was a moment's silence, then Sandy spoke up with excited interest +and said-- + +"Marse Sam, has you ever seen a smoked herring?" + +"No. What is that?" + +"It's a fish." + +"Well, what of it? Anything peculiar about it?" + +"Yes, suh, you bet you dey is. _Dey eats 'em guts and all!_" + +There was a smothered burst of feminine snickers from behind the screen! +All the strength went out of me and I toppled forward like an undermined +tower and brought the screen down with my weight, burying the young +ladies under it. In their fright they discharged a couple of piercing +screams--and possibly others, but I did not wait to count. I snatched my +clothes and fled to the dark hall below, Sandy following. I was dressed +in half a minute, and out the back way. I swore Sandy to eternal +silence, then we went away and hid until the party was over. The +ambition was all out of me. I could not have faced that giddy company +after my adventure, for there would be two performers there who knew my +secret, and would be privately laughing at me all the time. I was +searched for but not found, and the bear had to be played by a young +gentleman in his civilized clothes. The house was still and everybody +asleep when I finally ventured home. I was very heavy-hearted, and full +of a sense of disgrace. Pinned to my pillow I found a slip of paper +which bore a line that did not lighten my heart, but only made my face +burn. It was written in a laboriously disguised hand, and these were its +mocking terms: + +"You probably couldn't have played _bear_, but you played _bare_ very +well--oh, very very well!" + +We think boys are rude, unsensitive animals, but it is not so in all +cases. Each boy has one or two sensitive spots, and if you can find out +where they are located you have only to touch them and you can scorch +him as with fire. I suffered miserably over that episode. I expected +that the facts would be all over the village in the morning, but it was +not so. The secret remained confined to the two girls and Sandy and me. +That was some appeasement of my pain, but it was far from +sufficient--the main trouble remained: I was under four mocking eyes, +and it might as well have been a thousand, for I suspected all girls' +eyes of being the ones I so dreaded. During several weeks I could not +look any young lady in the face; I dropped my eyes in confusion when any +one of them smiled upon me and gave me greeting; and I said to myself, +"_That is one of them_," and got quickly away. Of course I was meeting +the right girls everywhere, but if they ever let slip any betraying sign +I was not bright enough to catch it. When I left Hannibal four years +later, the secret was still a secret; I had never guessed those girls +out, and was no longer expecting to do it. Nor wanting to, either. + +One of the dearest and prettiest girls in the village at the time of my +mishap was one whom I will call Mary Wilson, because that was not her +name. She was twenty years old; she was dainty and sweet, peach-bloomy +and exquisite, gracious and lovely in character, and I stood in awe of +her, for she seemed to me to be made out of angel-clay and rightfully +unapproachable by an unholy ordinary kind of a boy like me. I probably +never suspected her. But-- + +The scene changes. To Calcutta--forty-seven years later. It was in 1896. +I arrived there on my lecturing trip. As I entered the hotel a divine +vision passed out of it, clothed in the glory of the Indian +sunshine--the Mary Wilson of my long-vanished boyhood! It was a +startling thing. Before I could recover from the bewildering shock and +speak to her she was gone. I thought maybe I had seen an apparition, but +it was not so, she was flesh. She was the granddaughter of the other +Mary, the original Mary. That Mary, now a widow, was up-stairs, and +presently sent for me. She was old and gray-haired, but she looked young +and was very handsome. We sat down and talked. We steeped our thirsty +souls in the reviving wine of the past, the beautiful past, the dear and +lamented past; we uttered the names that had been silent upon our lips +for fifty years, and it was as if they were made of music; with reverent +hands we unburied our dead, the mates of our youth, and caressed them +with our speech; we searched the dusty chambers of our memories and +dragged forth incident after incident, episode after episode, folly +after folly, and laughed such good laughs over them, with the tears +running down; and finally Mary said suddenly, and without any leading +up-- + +"Tell me! What is the special peculiarity of smoked herrings?" + +It seemed a strange question at such a hallowed time as this. And so +inconsequential, too. I was a little shocked. And yet I was aware of a +stir of some kind away back in the deeps of my memory somewhere. It set +me to musing--thinking--searching. Smoked herrings. Smoked herrings. The +peculiarity of smo.... I glanced up. Her face was grave, but there was a +dim and shadowy twinkle in her eye which--All of a sudden I knew! and +far away down in the hoary past I heard a remembered voice murmur, "Dey +eats 'em guts and all!" + +"At--last! I've found one of you, anyway! Who was the other girl?" + +But she drew the line there. She wouldn't tell me. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[4] That house still stands. + + +IV. + +... But it was on a bench in Washington Square that I saw the most of +Louis Stevenson. It was an outing that lasted an hour or more, and was +very pleasant and sociable. I had come with him from his house, where I +had been paying my respects to his family. His business in the Square +was to absorb the sunshine. He was most scantily furnished with flesh, +his clothes seemed to fall into hollows as if there might be nothing +inside but the frame for a sculptor's statue. His long face and lank +hair and dark complexion and musing and melancholy expression seemed to +fit these details justly and harmoniously, and the altogether of it +seemed especially planned to gather the rays of your observation and +focalize them upon Stevenson's special distinction and commanding +feature, his splendid eyes. They burned with a smouldering rich fire +under the penthouse of his brows, and they made him beautiful. + + * * * * * + +I said I thought he was right about the others, but mistaken as to Bret +Harte; in substance I said that Harte was good company and a thin but +pleasant talker; that he was always bright, but never brilliant; that in +this matter he must not be classed with Thomas Bailey Aldrich, nor must +any other man, ancient or modern; that Aldrich was always witty, always +brilliant, if there was anybody present capable of striking his flint at +the right angle; that Aldrich was as sure and prompt and unfailing as +the red-hot iron on the blacksmith's anvil--you had only to hit it +competently to make it deliver an explosion of sparks. I added-- + +"Aldrich has never had his peer for prompt and pithy and witty and +humorous sayings. None has equalled him, certainly none has surpassed +him, in the felicity of phrasing with which he clothed these children of +his fancy. Aldrich was always brilliant, he couldn't help it, he is a +fire-opal set round with rose diamonds; when he is not speaking, you +know that his dainty fancies are twinkling and glimmering around in him; +when he speaks the diamonds flash. Yes, he was always brilliant, he will +always be brilliant; he will be brilliant in hell--you will see." + +Stevenson, smiling a chuckly smile, "I hope not." + +"Well, you will, and he will dim even those ruddy fires and look like a +transfigured Adonis backed against a pink sunset." + + * * * * * + +There on that bench we struck out a new phrase--one or the other of us, +I don't remember which--"submerged renown." Variations were discussed: +"submerged fame," "submerged reputation," and so on, and a choice was +made; "submerged renown" was elected, I believe. This important matter +rose out of an incident which had been happening to Stevenson in Albany. +While in a book-shop or book-stall there he had noticed a long rank of +small books, cheaply but neatly gotten up, and bearing such titles as +"Davis's Selected Speeches," "Davis's Selected Poetry," Davis's this and +Davis's that and Davis's the other thing; compilations, every one of +them, each with a brief, compact, intelligent and useful introductory +chapter by this same Davis, whose first name I have forgotten. Stevenson +had begun the matter with this question: + +"Can you name the American author whose fame and acceptance stretch +widest in the States?" + +I thought I could, but it did not seem to me that it would be modest to +speak out, in the circumstances. So I diffidently said nothing. +Stevenson noticed, and said-- + +"Save your delicacy for another time--you are not the one. For a +shilling you can't name the American author of widest note and +popularity in the States. But I can." + +Then he went on and told about that Albany incident. He had inquired of +the shopman-- + +"Who is this Davis?" + +The answer was-- + +"An author whose books have to have freight-trains to carry them, not +baskets. Apparently you have not heard of him?" + +Stevenson said no, this was the first time. The man said-- + +"Nobody has heard of Davis: you may ask all around and you will see. You +never see his name mentioned in print, not even in advertisement; these +things are of no use to Davis, not any more than they are to the wind +and the sea. You never see one of Davis's books floating on top of the +United States, but put on your diving armor and get yourself lowered +away down and down and down till you strike the dense region, the +sunless region of eternal drudgery and starvation wages--there you'll +find them by the million. The man that gets that market, his fortune is +made, his bread and butter are safe, for those people will never go back +on him. An author may have a reputation which is confined to the +surface, and lose it and become pitied, then despised, then forgotten, +entirely forgotten--the frequent steps in a surface reputation. At +surface reputation, however great, is always mortal, and always killable +if you go at it right--with pins and needles, and quiet slow poison, not +with the club and tomahawk. But it is a different matter with the +submerged reputation--down in the deep water; once a favorite there, +always a favorite; once beloved, always beloved; once respected, always +respected, honored, and believed in. For, what the reviewer says never +finds its way down into those placid deeps; nor the newspaper sneers, +nor any breath of the winds of slander blowing above. Down there they +never hear of these things. Their idol may be painted clay, up then at +the surface, and fade and waste and crumble and blow away, there being +much weather there; but down below he is gold and adamant and +indestructible." + + +V. + +This is from this morning's paper: + + + MARK TWAIN LETTER SOLD. + + _Written to Thomas Nast, it Proposed a Joint Tour._ + + A Mark Twain autograph letter brought $43 yesterday at the auction + by the Merwin-Clayton Company of the library and correspondence of + the late Thomas Nast, cartoonist. The letter is nine pages + note-paper, is dated Hartford, Nov. 12, 1877, and it addressed to + Nast. It reads in part as follows: + + + Hartford, _Nov. 12_. + + MY DEAR NAST: I did not think I should ever stand on a platform + again until the time was come for me to say I die innocent. But the + same old offers keep arriving that have arriven every year, and + been every year declined--$500 for Louisville, $500 for St. Louis, + $1,000 gold for two nights in Toronto, half gross proceeds for New + York, Boston, Brooklyn, &c. I have declined them all just as usual, + though sorely tempted as usual. + + Now, I do not decline because I mind talking to an audience, but + because (1) travelling alone is so heart-breakingly dreary, and (2) + shouldering the whole show is such cheer-killing responsibility. + + Therefore I now propose to you what you proposed to me in November, + 1867--ten years ago, (when I was unknown,) viz.; That you should + stand on the platform and make pictures, and I stand by you and + blackguard the audience. I should enormously enjoy meandering + around (to big towns--don't want to go to little ones) with you for + company. + + The letter includes a schedule of cities and the number of + appearances planned for each. + + +This is as it should be. This is worthy of all praise. I say it myself +lest other competent persons should forget to do it. It appears that +four of my ancient letters were sold at auction, three of them at +twenty-seven dollars, twenty-eight dollars, and twenty-nine dollars +respectively, and the one above mentioned at forty-three dollars. There +is one very gratifying circumstance about this, to wit: that my +literature has more than held its own as regards money value through +this stretch of thirty-six years. I judge that the forty-three-dollar +letter must have gone at about ten cents a word, whereas if I had +written it to-day its market rate would be thirty cents--so I have +increased in value two or three hundred per cent. I note another +gratifying circumstance--that a letter of General Grant's sold at +something short of eighteen dollars. I can't rise to General Grant's +lofty place in the estimation of this nation, but it is a deep happiness +to me to know that when it comes to epistolary literature he can't sit +in the front seat along with me. + +This reminds me--nine years ago, when we were living in Tedworth Square, +London, a report was cabled to the American journals that I was dying. I +was not the one. It was another Clemens, a cousin of mine,--Dr. J. Ross +Clemens, now of St. Louis--who was due to die but presently escaped, by +some chicanery or other characteristic of the tribe of Clemens. The +London representatives of the American papers began to flock in, with +American cables in their hands, to inquire into my condition. There was +nothing the matter with me, and each in his turn was astonished, and +disappointed, to find me reading and smoking in my study and worth next +to nothing as a text for transatlantic news. One of these men was a +gentle and kindly and grave and sympathetic Irishman, who hid his sorrow +the best he could, and tried to look glad, and told me that his paper, +the _Evening Sun_, had cabled him that it was reported in New York that +I was dead. What should he cable in reply? I said-- + +"Say the report is greatly exaggerated." + +He never smiled, but went solemnly away and sent the cable in those +words. The remark hit the world pleasantly, and to this day it keeps +turning up, now and then, in the newspapers when people have occasion to +discount exaggerations. + +The next man was also an Irishman. He had his New York cablegram in his +hand--from the New York _World_--and he was so evidently trying to get +around that cable with invented softnesses and palliations that my +curiosity was aroused and I wanted to see what it did really say. So +when occasion offered I slipped it out of his hand. It said, + +"If Mark Twain dying send five hundred words. If dead send a thousand." + +Now that old letter of mine sold yesterday for forty-three dollars. When +I am dead it will be worth eighty-six. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DC. + +OCTOBER 5, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--III. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +VI. + +To-morrow will be the thirty-sixth anniversary of our marriage. My wife +passed from this life one year and eight months ago, in Florence, Italy, +after an unbroken illness of twenty-two months' duration. + +I saw her first in the form of an ivory miniature in her brother +Charley's stateroom in the steamer "Quaker City," in the Bay of Smyrna, +in the summer of 1867, when she was in her twenty-second year. I saw her +in the flesh for the first time in New York in the following December. +She was slender and beautiful and girlish--and she was both girl and +woman. She remained both girl and woman to the last day of her life. +Under a grave and gentle exterior burned inextinguishable fires of +sympathy, energy, devotion, enthusiasm, and absolutely limitless +affection. She was _always_ frail in body, and she lived upon her +spirit, whose hopefulness and courage were indestructible. Perfect +truth, perfect honesty, perfect candor, were qualities of her character +which were born with her. Her judgments of people and things were sure +and accurate. Her intuitions almost never deceived her. In her judgments +of the characters and acts of both friends and strangers, there was +always room for charity, and this charity never failed. I have compared +and contrasted her with hundreds of persons, and my conviction remains +that hers was the most perfect character I have ever met. And I may add +that she was the most winningly dignified person I have ever known. Her +character and disposition were of the sort that not only invites +worship, but commands it. No servant ever left her service who deserved +to remain in it. And, as she could choose with a glance of her eye, the +servants she selected did in almost all cases deserve to remain, and +they _did_ remain. She was always cheerful; and she was always able to +communicate her cheerfulness to others. During the nine years that we +spent in poverty and debt, she was always able to reason me out of my +despairs, and find a bright side to the clouds, and make me see it. In +all that time, I never knew her to utter a word of regret concerning our +altered circumstances, nor did I ever know her children to do the like. +For she had taught them, and they drew their fortitude from her. The +love which she bestowed upon those whom she loved took the form of +worship, and in that form it was returned--returned by relatives, +friends and the servants of her household. It was a strange combination +which wrought into one individual, so to speak, by marriage--her +disposition and character and mine. She poured out her prodigal +affections in kisses and caresses, and in a vocabulary of endearments +whose profusion was always an astonishment to me. I was born _reserved_ +as to endearments of speech and caresses, and hers broke upon me as the +summer waves break upon Gibraltar. I was reared in that atmosphere of +reserve. As I have already said, in another chapter, I never knew a +member of my father's family to kiss another member of it except once, +and that at a death-bed. And our village was not a kissing community. +The kissing and caressing ended with courtship--along with the deadly +piano-playing of that day. + +She had the heart-free laugh of a girl. It came seldom, but when it +broke upon the ear it was as inspiring as music. I heard it for the last +time when she had been occupying her sickbed for more than a year, and I +made a written note of it at the time--a note not to be repeated. + +To-morrow will be the thirty-sixth anniversary. We were married in her +father's house in Elmira, New York, and went next day, by special train, +to Buffalo, along with the whole Langdon family, and with the Beechers +and the Twichells, who had solemnized the marriage. We were to live in +Buffalo, where I was to be one of the editors of the Buffalo "Express," +and a part owner of the paper. I knew nothing about Buffalo, but I had +made my household arrangements there through a friend, by letter. I had +instructed him to find a boarding-house of as respectable a character as +my light salary as editor would command. We were received at about nine +o'clock at the station in Buffalo, and were put into several sleighs and +driven all over America, as it seemed to me--for, apparently, we turned +all the corners in the town and followed all the streets there were--I +scolding freely, and characterizing that friend of mine in very +uncomplimentary words for securing a boarding-house that apparently had +no definite locality. But there was a conspiracy--and my bride knew of +it, but I was in ignorance. Her father, Jervis Langdon, had bought and +furnished a new house for us in the fashionable street, Delaware Avenue, +and had laid in a cook and housemaids, and a brisk and electric young +coachman, an Irishman, Patrick McAleer--and we were being driven all +over that city in order that one sleighful of those people could have +time to go to the house, and see that the gas was lighted all over it, +and a hot supper prepared for the crowd. We arrived at last, and when I +entered that fairy place my indignation reached high-water mark, and +without any reserve I delivered my opinion to that friend of mine for +being so stupid as to put us into a boarding-house whose terms would be +far out of my reach. Then Mr. Langdon brought forward a very pretty box +and opened it, and took from it a deed of the house. So the comedy ended +very pleasantly, and we sat down to supper. + +The company departed about midnight, and left us alone in our new +quarters. Then Ellen, the cook, came in to get orders for the morning's +marketing--and neither of us knew whether beefsteak was sold by the +barrel or by the yard. We exposed our ignorance, and Ellen was fall of +Irish delight over it. Patrick McAleer, that brisk young Irishman, came +in to get his orders for next day--and that was our first glimpse of +him.... + +Our first child, Langdon Clemens, was born the 7th of November, 1870, +and lived twenty-two months. Susy was born the 19th of March, 1872, and +passed from life in the Hartford home, the 18th of August, 1896. With +her, when the end came, were Jean and Katy Leary, and John and Ellen +(the gardener and his wife). Clara and her mother and I arrived in +England from around the world on the 31st of July, and took a house in +Guildford. A week later, when Susy, Katy and Jean should have been +arriving from America, we got a letter instead. + +It explained that Susy was slightly ill--nothing of consequence. But we +were disquieted, and began to cable for later news. This was Friday. All +day no answer--and the ship to leave Southampton next day, at noon. +Clara and her mother began packing, to be ready in case the news should +be bad. Finally came a cablegram saying, "Wait for cablegram in the +morning." This was not satisfactory--not reassuring. I cabled again, +asking that the answer be sent to Southampton, for the day was now +closing. I waited in the post-office that night till the doors were +closed, toward midnight, in the hope that good news might still come, +but there was no message. We sat silent at home till one in the morning, +waiting--waiting for we knew not what. Then we took the earliest morning +train, and when we reached Southampton the message was there. It said +the recovery would be long, but certain. This was a great relief to me, +but not to my wife. She was frightened. She and Clara went aboard the +steamer at once and sailed for America, to nurse Susy. I remained behind +to search for a larger house in Guildford. + +That was the 15th of August, 1896. Three days later, when my wife and +Clara were about half-way across the ocean, I was standing in our +dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put +into my hand. It said, "Susy was peacefully released to-day." + +It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can +receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. There is but one reasonable +explanation of it. The intellect is stunned by the shock, and but +gropingly gathers the meaning of the words. The power to realize their +fall import is mercifully wanting. The mind has a dumb sense of vast +loss--that is all. It will take mind and memory months, and possibly +years, to gather together the details, and thus learn and know the whole +extent of the loss. A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage +represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and +pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he +misses this, then that, then the other thing. And, when he casts about +for it, he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an +_essential_--there was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It +was in that house. It is irrevocably lost. He did not realize that it +was an essential when he had it; he only discovers it now when he finds +himself balked, hampered, by its absence. It will be years before the +tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know +the magnitude of his disaster. + +The 18th of August brought me the awful tidings. The mother and the +sister were out there in mid-Atlantic, ignorant of what was happening; +flying to meet this incredible calamity. All that could be done to +protect them from the full force of the shock was done by relatives and +good friends. They went down the Bay and met the ship at night, but did +not show themselves until morning, and then only to Clara. When she +returned to the stateroom she did not speak, and did not need to. Her +mother looked at her and said: + +"Susy is dead." + +At half past ten o'clock that night, Clara and her mother completed +their circuit of the globe, and drew up at Elmira by the same train and +in the same car which had borne them and me Westward from it one year, +one month, and one week before. And again Susy was there--not waving her +welcome in the glare of the lights, as she had waved her farewell to us +thirteen months before, but lying white and fair in her coffin, in the +house where she was born. + +The last thirteen days of Susy's life were spent in our own house in +Hartford, the home of her childhood, and always the dearest place in the +earth to her. About her she had faithful old friends--her pastor, Mr. +Twichell, who had known her from the cradle, and who had come a long +journey to be with her; her uncle and aunt, Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Crane; +Patrick, the coachman; Katy, who had begun to serve us when Susy was a +child of eight years; John and Ellen, who had been with us many years. +Also Jean was there. + +At the hour when my wife and Clara set sail for America, Susy was in no +danger. Three hours later there came a sudden change for the worse. +Meningitis set in, and it was immediately apparent that she was +death-struck. That was Saturday, the 15th of August. + +"That evening she took food for the last time," (Jean's letter to me). +The next morning the brain-fever was raging. She walked the floor a +little in her pain and delirium, then succumbed to weakness and returned +to her bed. Previously she had found hanging in a closet a gown which +she had seen her mother wear. She thought it was her mother, dead, and +she kissed it, and cried. About noon she became blind (an effect of the +disease) and bewailed it to her uncle. + +From Jean's letter I take this sentence, which needs no comment: + +"About one in the afternoon Susy spoke for the last time." + +It was only one word that she said when she spoke that last time, and it +told of her longing. She groped with her hands and found Katy, and +caressed her face, and said "Mamma." + +How gracious it was that, in that forlorn hour of wreck and ruin, with +the night of death closing around her, she should have been granted that +beautiful illusion--that the latest vision which rested upon the clouded +mirror of her mind should have been the vision of her mother, and the +latest emotion she should know in life the joy and peace of that dear +imagined presence. + +About two o'clock she composed herself as if for sleep, and never moved +again. She fell into unconsciousness and so remained two days and five +hours, until Tuesday evening at seven minutes past seven, when the +release came. She was twenty-four years and five months old. + +On the 23d, her mother and her sisters saw her laid to rest--she that +had been our wonder and our worship. + +In one of her own books I find some verses which I will copy here. +Apparently, she always put borrowed matter in quotation marks. These +verses lack those marks, and therefore I take them to be her own: + + + Love came at dawn, when all the world was fair, + When crimson glories' bloom and sun were rife; + Love came at dawn, when hope's wings fanned the air, + And murmured, "I am life." + + Love came at eve, and when the day was done, + When heart and brain were tired, and slumber pressed; + Love came at eve, shut out the sinking sun, + And whispered, "I am rest." + + +The summer seasons of Susy's childhood were spent at Quarry Farm, on the +hills east of Elmira, New York; the other seasons of the year at the +home in Hartford. Like other children, she was blithe and happy, fond of +play; unlike the average of children, she was at times much given to +retiring within herself, and trying to search out the hidden meanings of +the deep things that make the puzzle and pathos of human existence, and +in all the ages have baffled the inquirer and mocked him. As a little +child aged seven, she was oppressed and perplexed by the maddening +repetition of the stock incidents of our race's fleeting sojourn here, +just as the same thing has oppressed and perplexed maturer minds from +the beginning of time. A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat +and struggle for bread; they squabble and scold and fight; they scramble +for little mean advantages over each other; age creeps upon them; +infirmities follow; shames and humiliations bring down their prides and +their vanities; those they love are taken from them, and the joy of life +is turned to aching grief. The burden of pain, care, misery, grows +heavier year by year; at length, ambition is dead, pride is dead; vanity +is dead; longing for release is in their place. It comes at last--the +only unpoisoned gift earth ever had for them--and they vanish from a +world where they were of no consequence; where they achieved nothing; +where they were a mistake and a failure and a foolishness; there they +have left no sign that they have existed--a world which will lament them +a day and forget them forever. Then another myriad takes their place, +and copies all they did, and goes along the same profitless road, and +vanishes as they vanished--to make room for another, and another, and a +million other myriads, to follow the same arid path through the same +desert, and accomplish what the first myriad, and all the myriads that +came after it, accomplished--nothing! + +"Mamma, what is it all for?" asked Susy, preliminarily stating the +above details in her own halting language, after long brooding over them +alone in the privacy of the nursery. + +A year later, she was groping her way alone through another sunless bog, +but this time she reached a rest for her feet. For a week, her mother +had not been able to go to the nursery, evenings, at the child's prayer +hour. She spoke of it--was sorry for it, and said she would come +to-night, and hoped she could continue to come every night and hear Susy +pray, as before. Noticing that the child wished to respond, but was +evidently troubled as to how to word her answer, she asked what the +difficulty was. Susy explained that Miss Foote (the governess) had been +teaching her about the Indians and their religious beliefs, whereby it +appeared that they had not only a God, but several. This had set Susy to +thinking. As a result of this thinking, she had stopped praying. She +qualified this statement--that is, she modified it--saying she did not +now pray "in the same way" as she had formerly done. Her mother said: + +"Tell me about it, dear." + +"Well, mamma, the Indians believed they knew, but now we know they were +wrong. By and by, it can turn out that we are wrong. So now I only pray +that there may be a God and a Heaven--or something better." + +I wrote down this pathetic prayer in its precise wording, at the time, +in a record which we kept of the children's sayings, and my reverence +for it has grown with the years that have passed over my head since +then. Its untaught grace and simplicity are a child's, but the wisdom +and the pathos of it are of all the ages that have come and gone since +the race of man has lived, and longed, and hoped, and feared, and +doubted. + +To go back a year--Susy aged seven. Several times her mother said to +her: + +"There, there, Susy, you mustn't cry over little things." + +This furnished Susy a text for thought She had been breaking her heart +over what had seemed vast disasters--a broken toy; a picnic cancelled by +thunder and lightning and rain; the mouse that was growing tame and +friendly in the nursery caught and killed by the cat--and now came this +strange revelation. For some unaccountable reason, these were not vast +calamities. Why? How is the size of calamities measured? What is the +rule? There must be some way to tell the great ones from the small +ones; what is the law of these proportions? She examined the problem +earnestly and long. She gave it her best thought from time to time, for +two or three days--but it baffled her--defeated her. And at last she +gave up and went to her mother for help. + +"Mamma, what is '_little_ things'?" + +It seemed a simple question--at first. And yet, before the answer could +be put into words, unsuspected and unforeseen difficulties began to +appear. They increased; they multiplied; they brought about another +defeat. The effort to explain came to a standstill. Then Susy tried to +help her mother out--with an instance, an example, an illustration. The +mother was getting ready to go down-town, and one of her errands was to +buy a long-promised toy-watch for Susy. + +"If you forgot the watch, mamma, would that be a little thing?" + +She was not concerned about the watch, for she knew it would not be +forgotten. What she was hoping for was that the answer would unriddle +the riddle, and bring rest and peace to her perplexed little mind. + +The hope was disappointed, of course--for the reason that the size of a +misfortune is not determinate by an outsider's measurement of it, but +only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected +by it. The king's lost crown is a vast matter to the king, but of no +consequence to the child. The lost toy is a great matter to the child, +but in the king's eyes it is not a thing to break the heart about. A +verdict was reached, but it was based upon the above model, and Susy was +granted leave to measure her disasters thereafter with her own +tape-line. + +As a child, Susy had a passionate temper; and it cost her much remorse +and many tears before she learned to govern it, but after that it was a +wholesome salt, and her character was the stronger and healthier for its +presence. It enabled her to be good with dignity; it preserved her not +only from being good for vanity's sake, but from even the appearance of +it. In looking back over the long vanished years, it seems but natural +and excusable that I should dwell with longing affection and preference +upon incidents of her young life which made it beautiful to us, and that +I should let its few small offences go unsummoned and unreproached. + +In the summer of 1880, when Susy was just eight years of age, the +family were at Quarry Farm, as usual at that season of the year. +Hay-cutting time was approaching, and Susy and Clara were counting the +hours, for the time was big with a great event for them; they had been +promised that they might mount the wagon and ride home from the fields +on the summit of the hay mountain. This perilous privilege, so dear to +their age and species, had never been granted them before. Their +excitement had no bounds. They could talk of nothing but this +epoch-making adventure, now. But misfortune overtook Susy on the very +morning of the important day. In a sudden outbreak of passion, she +corrected Clara--with a shovel, or stick, or something of the sort. At +any rate, the offence committed was of a gravity clearly beyond the +limit allowed in the nursery. In accordance with the rule and custom of +the house, Susy went to her mother to confess, and to help decide upon +the size and character of the punishment due. It was quite understood +that, as a punishment could have but one rational object and +function--to act as a reminder, and warn the transgressor against +transgressing in the same way again--the children would know about as +well as any how to choose a penalty which would be rememberable and +effective. Susy and her mother discussed various punishments, but none +of them seemed adequate. This fault was an unusually serious one, and +required the setting up of a danger-signal in the memory that would not +blow out nor burn out, but remain a fixture there and furnish its saving +warning indefinitely. Among the punishments mentioned was deprivation of +the hay-wagon ride. It was noticeable that this one hit Susy hard. +Finally, in the summing up, the mother named over the list and asked: + +"Which one do you think it ought to be, Susy?" + +Susy studied, shrank from her duty, and asked: + +"Which do you think, mamma?" + +"Well, Susy, I would rather leave it to you. _You_ make the choice +yourself." + +It cost Susy a struggle, and much and deep thinking and weighing--but +she came out where any one who knew her could have foretold she would. + +"Well, mamma, I'll make it the hay-wagon, because you know the other +things might not make me remember not to do it again, but if I don't get +to ride on the hay-wagon I can remember it easily." + +In this world the real penalty, the sharp one, the lasting one, never +falls otherwise than on the wrong person. It was not _I_ that corrected +Clara, but the remembrance of poor Susy's lost hay-ride still brings +_me_ a pang--after twenty-six years. + +Apparently, Susy was born with humane feelings for the animals, and +compassion for their troubles. This enabled her to see a new point in an +old story, once, when she was only six years old--a point which had been +overlooked by older, and perhaps duller, people for many ages. Her +mother told her the moving story of the sale of Joseph by his brethren, +the staining of his coat with the blood of the slaughtered kid, and the +rest of it. She dwelt upon the inhumanity of the brothers; their cruelty +toward their helpless young brother; and the unbrotherly treachery which +they practised upon him; for she hoped to teach the child a lesson in +gentle pity and mercifulness which she would remember. Apparently, her +desire was accomplished, for the tears came into Susy's eyes and she was +deeply moved. Then she said: + +"Poor little kid!" + +A child's frank envy of the privileges and distinctions of its elders is +often a delicately flattering attention and the reverse of unwelcome, +but sometimes the envy is not placed where the beneficiary is expecting +it to be placed. Once, when Susy was seven, she sat breathlessly +absorbed in watching a guest of ours adorn herself for a ball. The lady +was charmed by this homage; this mute and gentle admiration; and was +happy in it. And when her pretty labors were finished, and she stood at +last perfect, unimprovable, clothed like Solomon in all his glory, she +paused, confident and expectant, to receive from Susy's tongue the +tribute that was burning in her eyes. Susy drew an envious little sigh +and said: + +"I wish _I_ could have crooked teeth and spectacles!" + +Once, when Susy was six months along in her eighth year, she did +something one day in the presence of company, which subjected her to +criticism and reproof. Afterward, when she was alone with her mother, as +was her custom she reflected a little while over the matter. Then she +set up what I think--and what the shade of Burns would think--was a +quite good philosophical defence. + +"Well, mamma, you know I didn't see myself, and so I couldn't know how +it looked." + +In homes where the near friends and visitors are mainly literary +people--lawyers, judges, professors and clergymen--the children's ears +become early familiarized with wide vocabularies. It is natural for them +to pick up any words that fall in their way; it is natural for them to +pick up big and little ones indiscriminately; it is natural for them to +use without fear any word that comes to their net, no matter how +formidable it may be as to size. As a result, their talk is a curious +and funny musketry clatter of little words, interrupted at intervals by +the heavy artillery crash of a word of such imposing sound and size that +it seems to shake the ground and rattle the windows. Sometimes the child +gets a wrong idea of a word which it has picked up by chance, and +attaches to it a meaning which impairs its usefulness--but this does not +happen as often as one might expect it would. Indeed, it happens with an +infrequency which may be regarded as remarkable. As a child, Susy had +good fortune with her large words, and she employed many of them. She +made no more than her fair share of mistakes. Once when she thought +something very funny was going to happen (but it didn't), she was racked +and torn with laughter, by anticipation. But, apparently, she still felt +sure of her position, for she said, "If it had happened, I should have +been transformed [transported] with glee." + +And earlier, when she was a little maid of five years, she informed a +visitor that she had been in a church only once, and that was the time +when Clara was "crucified" [christened].... + +In Heidelberg, when Susy was six, she noticed that the Schloss gardens +were populous with snails creeping all about everywhere. One day she +found a new dish on her table and inquired concerning it, and learned +that it was made of snails. She was awed and impressed, and said: + +"Wild ones, mamma?" + +She was thoughtful and considerate of others--an acquired quality, no +doubt. No one seems to be born with it. One hot day, at home in +Hartford, when she was a little child, her mother borrowed her fan +several times (a Japanese one, value five cents), refreshed herself with +it a moment or two, then handed it back with a word of thanks. Susy knew +her mother would use the fan all the time if she could do it without +putting a deprivation upon its owner. She also knew that her mother +could not be persuaded to do that. A relief most be devised somehow; +Susy devised it. She got five cents out of her money-box and carried it +to Patrick, and asked him to take it down-town (a mile and a half) and +buy a Japanese fan and bring it home. He did it--and thus thoughtfully +and delicately was the exigency met and the mother's comfort secured. It +is to the child's credit that she did not save herself expense by +bringing down another and more costly kind of fan from up-stairs, but +was content to act upon the impression that her mother desired the +Japanese kind--content to accomplish the desire and stop with that, +without troubling about the wisdom or unwisdom of it. + +Sometimes, while she was still a child, her speech fell into quaint and +strikingly expressive forms. Once--aged nine or ten--she came to her +mother's room, when her sister Jean was a baby, and said Jean was crying +in the nursery, and asked if she might ring for the nurse. Her mother +asked: + +"Is she crying hard?"--meaning cross, ugly. + +"Well, no, mamma. It is a weary, lonesome cry." + +It is a pleasure to me to recall various incidents which reveal the +delicacies of feeling that were so considerable a part of her budding +character. Such a revelation came once in a way which, while creditable +to her heart, was defective in another direction. She was in her +eleventh year then. Her mother had been making the Christmas purchases, +and she allowed Susy to see the presents which were for Patrick's +children. Among these was a handsome sled for Jimmy, on which a stag was +painted; also, in gilt capitals, the word "Deer." Susy was excited and +joyous over everything, until she came to this sled. Then she became +sober and silent--yet the sled was the choicest of all the gifts. Her +mother was surprised, and also disappointed, and said: + +"Why, Susy, doesn't it please you? Isn't it fine?" + +Susy hesitated, and it was plain that she did not want to say the thing +that was in her mind. However, being urged, she brought it haltingly +out: + +"Well, mamma, it _is_ fine, and of course it _did_ cost a good +deal--but--but--why should that be mentioned?" + +Seeing that she was not understood, she reluctantly pointed to that word +"Deer." It was her orthography that was at fault, not her heart. She had +inherited both from her mother. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCI. + +OCTOBER 19, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--IV. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +When Susy was thirteen, and was a slender little maid with plaited tails +of copper-tinged brown hair down her back, and was perhaps the busiest +bee in the household hive, by reason of the manifold studies, health +exercises and recreations she had to attend to, she secretly, and of her +own motion, and out of love, added another task to her labors--the +writing of a biography of me. She did this work in her bedroom at night, +and kept her record hidden. After a little, the mother discovered it and +filched it, and let me see it; then told Susy what she had done, and how +pleased I was, and how proud. I remember that time with a deep +pleasure. I had had compliments before, but none that touched me like +this; none that could approach it for value in my eyes. It has kept that +place always since. I have had no compliment, no praise, no tribute from +any source, that was so precious to me as this one was and still is. As +I read it _now_, after all these many years, it is still a king's +message to me, and brings me the same dear surprise it brought me +then--with the pathos added, of the thought that the eager and hasty +hand that sketched it and scrawled it will not touch mine again--and I +feel as the humble and unexpectant must feel when their eyes fall upon +the edict that raises them to the ranks of the noble. + +Yesterday while I was rummaging in a pile of ancient note-books of mine +which I had not seen for years, I came across a reference to that +biography. It is quite evident that several times, at breakfast and +dinner, in those long-past days, I was posing for the biography. In +fact, I clearly remember that I _was_ doing that--and I also remember +that Susy detected it. I remember saying a very smart thing, with a good +deal of an air, at the breakfast-table one morning, and that Susy +observed to her mother privately, a little later, that papa was doing +that for the biography. + +I cannot bring myself to change any line or word in Susy's sketch of me, +but will introduce passages from it now and then just as they came in +their quaint simplicity out of her honest heart, which was the beautiful +heart of a child. What comes from that source has a charm and grace of +its own which may transgress all the recognized laws of literature, if +it choose, and yet be literature still, and worthy of hospitality. I +shall print the whole of this little biography, before I have done with +it--every word, every sentence. + +The spelling is frequently desperate, but it was Susy's, and it shall +stand. I love it, and cannot profane it. To me, it is gold. To correct +it would alloy it, not refine it. It would spoil it. It would take from +it its freedom and flexibility and make it stiff and formal. Even when +it is most extravagant I am not shocked. It is Susy's spelling, and she +was doing the best she could--and nothing could better it for me.... + +Susy began the biography in 1885, when I was in the fiftieth year of my +age, and she just entering the fourteenth of hers. She begins in this +way: + + + We are a very happy family. We consist of Papa, Mamma, Jean, Clara + and me. It is papa I am writing about, and I shall have no trouble + in not knowing what to say about him, as he is a _very_ striking + character. + + +But wait a minute--I will return to Susy presently. + +In the matter of slavish imitation, man is the monkey's superior all the +time. The average man is destitute of independence of opinion. He is not +interested in contriving an opinion of his own, by study and reflection, +but is only anxious to find out what his neighbor's opinion is and +slavishly adopt it. A generation ago, I found out that the latest review +of a book was pretty sure to be just a reflection of the _earliest_ +review of it; that whatever the first reviewer found to praise or +censure in the book would be repeated in the latest reviewer's report, +with nothing fresh added. Therefore more than once I took the precaution +of sending my book, in manuscript, to Mr. Howells, when he was editor of +the "Atlantic Monthly," so that he could prepare a review of it at +leisure. I knew he would say the truth about the book--I also knew that +he would find more merit than demerit in it, because I already knew that +that was the condition of the book. I allowed no copy of it to go out to +the press until after Mr. Howells's notice of it had appeared. That book +was always safe. There wasn't a man behind a pen in all America that had +the courage to find anything in the book which Mr. Howells had not +found--there wasn't a man behind a pen in America that had spirit enough +to say a brave and original thing about the book on his own +responsibility. + +I believe that the trade of critic, in literature, music, and the drama, +is the most degraded of all trades, and that it has no real +value--certainly no large value. When Charles Dudley Warner and I were +about to bring out "The Gilded Age," the editor of the "Daily Graphic" +persuaded me to let him have an advance copy, he giving me his word of +honor that no notice of it would appear in his paper until after the +"Atlantic Monthly" notice should have appeared. This reptile published a +review of the book within three days afterward. I could not really +complain, because he had only given me his word of honor as security; I +ought to have required of him something substantial. I believe his +notice did not deal mainly with the merit of the book, or the lack of +it, but with my moral attitude toward the public. It was charged that I +had used my reputation to play a swindle upon the public; that Mr. +Warner had written as much as half of the book, and that I had used my +name to float it and give it currency; a currency--so the critic +averred--which it could not have acquired without my name, and that this +conduct of mine was a grave fraud upon the people. The "Graphic" was not +an authority upon any subject whatever. It had a sort of distinction, in +that it was the first and only illustrated daily newspaper that the +world had seen; but it was without character; it was poorly and cheaply +edited; its opinion of a book or of any other work of art was of no +consequence. Everybody knew this, yet all the critics in America, one +after the other, copied the "Graphic's" criticism, merely changing the +phraseology, and left me under that charge of dishonest conduct. Even +the great Chicago "Tribune," the most important journal in the Middle +West, was not able to invent anything fresh, but adopted the view of the +humble "Daily Graphic," dishonesty-charge and all. + +However, let it go. It is the will of God that we must have critics, and +missionaries, and Congressmen, and humorists, and we must bear the +burden. Meantime, I seem to have been drifting into criticism myself. +But that is nothing. At the worst, criticism is nothing more than a +crime, and I am not unused to that. + +What I have been travelling toward all this time is this: the first +critic that ever had occasion to describe my personal appearance +littered his description with foolish and inexcusable errors whose +aggregate furnished the result that I was distinctly and distressingly +unhandsome. That description floated around the country in the papers, +and was in constant use and wear for a quarter of a century. It seems +strange to me that apparently no critic in the country could be found +who could look at me and have the courage to take up his pen and destroy +that lie. That lie began its course on the Pacific coast, in 1864, and +it likened me in personal appearance to Petroleum V. Nasby, who had been +out there lecturing. For twenty-five years afterward, no critic could +furnish a description of me without fetching in Nasby to help out my +portrait. I knew Nasby well, and he was a good fellow, but in my life I +have not felt malignant enough about any more than three persons to +charge those persons with resembling Nasby. It hurts me to the heart. I +was always handsome. Anybody but a critic could have seen it. And it +had long been a distress to my family--including Susy--that the critics +should go on making this wearisome mistake, year after year, when there +was no foundation for it. Even when a critic wanted to be particularly +friendly and complimentary to me, he didn't dare to go beyond my +clothes. He never ventured beyond that old safe frontier. When he had +finished with my clothes he had said all the kind things, the pleasant +things, the complimentary things he could risk. Then he dropped back on +Nasby. + +Yesterday I found this clipping in the pocket of one of those ancient +memorandum-books of mine. It is of the date of thirty-nine years ago, +and both the paper and the ink are yellow with the bitterness that I +felt in that old day when I clipped it out to preserve it and brood over +it, and grieve about it. I will copy it here, to wit: + + + A correspondent of the Philadelphia "Press," writing of one of + Schuyler Colfax's receptions, says of our Washington correspondent: + "Mark Twain, the delicate humorist, was present: quite a lion, as + he deserves to be. Mark is a bachelor, faultless in taste, whose + snowy vest is suggestive of endless quarrels with Washington + washerwomen; but the heroism of Mark is settled for all time, for + such purity and smoothness were never seen before. His lavender + gloves might have been stolen from some Turkish harem, so delicate + were they in size; but more likely--anything else were more likely + than that. In form and feature he bears some resemblance to the + immortal Nasby; but whilst Petroleum is brunette to the core, Twain + is golden, amber-hued, melting, blonde." + + +Let us return to Susy's biography now, and get the opinion of one who is +unbiassed: + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa's appearance has been described many times, but very + incorrectly. He has beautiful gray hair, not any too thick or any + too long, but just right; a Roman nose, which greatly improves the + beauty of his features; kind blue eyes and a small mustache. He has + a wonderfully shaped head and profile. He has a very good + figure--in short, he is an extrodinarily fine looking man. All his + features are perfect, except that he hasn't extrodinary teeth. His + complexion is very fair, and he doesn't ware a beard. He is a very + good man and a very funny one. He _has_ got a temper, but we all of + us have in this family. He is the loveliest man I ever saw or ever + hope to see--and oh, so absent-minded. He does tell perfectly + delightful stories. Clara and I used to sit on each arm of his + chair and listen while he told us stories about the pictures on the + wall. + + +I remember the story-telling days vividly. They were a difficult and +exacting audience--those little creatures. + +Along one side of the library, in the Hartford home, the bookshelves +joined the mantelpiece--in fact there were shelves on both sides of the +mantelpiece. On these shelves, and on the mantelpiece, stood various +ornaments. At one end of the procession was a framed oil-painting of a +cat's head, at the other end was a head of a beautiful young girl, +life-size--called Emmeline, because she looked just about like that--an +impressionist water-color. Between the one picture and the other there +were twelve or fifteen of the bric-à-brac things already mentioned; also +an oil-painting by Elihu Vedder, "The Young Medusa." Every now and then +the children required me to construct a romance--always impromptu--not a +moment's preparation permitted--and into that romance I had to get all +that bric-à-brac and the three pictures. I had to start always with the +cat and finish with Emmeline. I was never allowed the refreshment of a +change, end-for-end. It was not permissible to introduce a bric-à-brac +ornament into the story out of its place in the procession. + +These bric-à-bracs were never allowed a peaceful day, a reposeful day, a +restful Sabbath. In their lives there was no Sabbath, in their lives +there was no peace; they knew no existence but a monotonous career of +violence and bloodshed. In the course of time, the bric-à-brac and the +pictures showed wear. It was because they had had so many and such +tumultuous adventures in their romantic careers. + +As romancer to the children I had a hard time, even from the beginning. +If they brought me a picture, in a magazine, and required me to build a +story to it, they would cover the rest of the page with their pudgy +hands to keep me from stealing an idea from it. The stories had to come +hot from the bat, always. They had to be absolutely original and fresh. +Sometimes the children furnished me simply a character or two, or a +dozen, and required me to start out at once on that slim basis and +deliver those characters up to a vigorous and entertaining life of +crime. If they heard of a new trade, or an unfamiliar animal, or +anything like that, I was pretty sure to have to deal with those things +in the next romance. Once Clara required me to build a sudden tale out +of a plumber and a "bawgunstrictor," and I had to do it. She didn't +know what a boa-constrictor was, until he developed in the tale--then +she was better satisfied with it than ever. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa's favorite game is billiards, and when he is tired and wishes + to rest himself he stays up all night and plays billiards, it seems + to rest his head. He smokes a great deal almost incessantly. He has + the mind of an author exactly, some of the simplest things he cant + understand. Our burglar-alarm is often out of order, and papa had + been obliged to take the mahogany-room off from the alarm + altogether for a time, because the burglar-alarm had been in the + habit of ringing even when the mahogany-room was closed. At length + he thought that perhaps the burglar-alarm might be in order, and he + decided to try and see; accordingly he put it on and then went down + and opened the window; consequently the alarm bell rang, it would + even if the alarm had been in order. Papa went despairingly + upstairs and said to mamma, "Livy the mahogany-room won't go on. I + have just opened the window to see." + + "Why, Youth," mamma replied "if you've opened the window, why of + coarse the alarm will ring!" + + "That's what I've opened it for, why I just went down to see if it + would ring!" + + Mamma tried to explain to papa that when he wanted to go and see + whether the alarm would ring while the window was closed he + _mustn't_ go and open the window--but in vain, papa couldn't + understand, and got very impatient with mamma for trying to make + him believe an impossible thing true. + + +This is a frank biographer, and an honest one; she uses no sand-paper on +me. I have, to this day, the same dull head in the matter of conundrums +and perplexities which Susy had discovered in those long-gone days. +Complexities annoy me; they irritate me; then this progressive feeling +presently warms into anger. I cannot get far in the reading of the +commonest and simplest contract--with its "parties of the first part," +and "parties of the second part," and "parties of the third +part,"--before my temper is all gone. Ashcroft comes up here every day +and pathetically tries to make me understand the points of the lawsuit +which we are conducting against Henry Butters, Harold Wheeler, and the +rest of those Plasmon buccaneers, but daily he has to give it up. It is +pitiful to see, when he bends his earnest and appealing eyes upon me and +says, after one of his efforts, "Now you _do_ understand _that_, don't +you?" + +I am always obliged to say, "I _don't_, Ashcroft. I wish I could +understand it, but I don't. Send for the cat." + +In the days which Susy is talking about, a perplexity fell to my lot one +day. F. G. Whitmore was my business agent, and he brought me out from +town in his buggy. We drove by the _porte-cochère_ and toward the +stable. Now this was a _single_ road, and was like a spoon whose handle +stretched from the gate to a great round flower-bed in the neighborhood +of the stable. At the approach to the flower-bed the road divided and +circumnavigated it, making a loop, which I have likened to the bowl of +the spoon. As we neared the loop, I saw that Whitmore was laying his +course to port, (I was sitting on the starboard side--the side the house +was on), and was going to start around that spoon-bowl on that left-hand +side. I said, + +"Don't do that, Whitmore; take the right-hand side. Then I shall be next +to the house when we get to the door." + +He said, "_That_ will not happen in _any case_, it doesn't make any +difference which way I go around this flower-bed." + +I explained to him that he was an ass, but he stuck to his proposition, +and I said, + +"Go on and try it, and see." + +He went on and tried it, and sure enough he fetched me up at the door on +the very side that he had said I would be. I was not able to believe it +then, and I don't believe it yet. + +I said, "Whitmore, that is merely an accident. You can't do it again." + +He said he could--and he drove down into the street, fetched around, +came back, and actually did it again. I was stupefied, paralyzed, +petrified, with these strange results, but they did not convince me. I +didn't believe he could do it another time, but he did. He said he could +do it all day, and fetch up the same way every time. By that time my +temper was gone, and I asked him to go home and apply to the Asylum and +I would pay the expenses; I didn't want to see him any more for a week. + +I went up-stairs in a rage and started to tell Livy about it, expecting +to get her sympathy for me and to breed aversion in her for Whitmore; +but she merely burst into peal after peal of laughter, as the tale of my +adventure went on, for her head was like Susy's: riddles and +complexities had no terrors for it. Her mind and Susy's were analytical; +I have tried to make it appear that mine was different. Many and many a +time I have told that buggy experiment, hoping against hope that I would +some time or other find somebody who would be on my side, but it has +never happened. And I am never able to go glibly forward and state the +circumstances of that buggy's progress without having to halt and +consider, and call up in my mind the spoon-handle, the bowl of the +spoon, the buggy and the horse, and my position in the buggy: and the +minute I have got that far and try to turn it to the left it goes to +ruin; I can't see how it is ever going to fetch me out right when we get +to the door. Susy is right in her estimate. I can't understand things. + +That burglar-alarm which Susy mentions led a gay and careless life, and +had no principles. It was generally out of order at one point or +another; and there was plenty of opportunity, because all the windows +and doors in the house, from the cellar up to the top floor, were +connected with it. However, in its seasons of being out of order it +could trouble us for only a very little while: we quickly found out that +it was fooling us, and that it was buzzing its blood-curdling alarm +merely for its own amusement. Then we would shut it off, and send to New +York for the electrician--there not being one in all Hartford in those +days. When the repairs were finished we would set the alarm again and +reestablish our confidence in it. It never did any real business except +upon one single occasion. All the rest of its expensive career was +frivolous and without purpose. Just that one time it performed its duty, +and its whole duty--gravely, seriously, admirably. It let fly about two +o'clock one black and dreary March morning, and I turned out promptly, +because I knew that it was not fooling, this time. The bath-room door +was on my side of the bed. I stepped in there, turned up the gas, looked +at the annunciator, and turned off the alarm--so far as the door +indicated was concerned--thus stopping the racket. Then I came back to +bed. Mrs. Clemens opened the debate: + +"What was it?" + +"It was the cellar door." + +"Was it a burglar, do you think?" + +"Yes," I said, "of course it was. Did you suppose it was a Sunday-school +superintendent?" + +"No. What do you suppose he wants?" + +"I suppose he wants jewelry, but he is not acquainted with the house and +he thinks it is in the cellar. I don't like to disappoint a burglar whom +I am not acquainted with, and who has done me no harm, but if he had +had common sagacity enough to inquire, I could have told him we kept +nothing down there but coal and vegetables. Still it may be that he is +acquainted with the place, and that what he really wants is coal and +vegetables. On the whole, I think it is vegetables he is after." + +"Are you going down to see?" + +"No; I could not be of any assistance. Let him select for himself; I +don't know where the things are." + +Then she said, "But suppose he comes up to the ground floor!" + +"That's all right. We shall know it the minute he opens a door on that +floor. It will set off the alarm." + +Just then the terrific buzzing broke out again. I said, + +"He has arrived. I told you he would. I know all about burglars and +their ways. They are systematic people." + +I went into the bath-room to see if I was right, and I was. I shut off +the dining-room and stopped the buzzing, and came back to bed. My wife +said, + +"What do you suppose he is after now?" + +I said, "I think he has got all the vegetables he wants and is coming up +for napkin-rings and odds and ends for the wife and children. They all +have families--burglars have--and they are always thoughtful of them, +always take a few necessaries of life for themselves, and fill out with +tokens of remembrance for the family. In taking them they do not forget +us: those very things represent tokens of his remembrance of us, and +also of our remembrance of him. We never get them again; the memory of +the attention remains embalmed in our hearts." + +"Are you going down to see what it is he wants now?" + +"No," I said, "I am no more interested than I was before. They are +experienced people,--burglars; _they_ know what they want; I should be +no help to him. I _think_ he is after ceramics and bric-à-brac and such +things. If he knows the house he knows that that is all that he can find +on the dining-room floor." + +She said, with a strong interest perceptible in her tone, "Suppose he +comes up here!" + +I said, "It is all right. He will give us notice." + +"What shall we do then then?" + +"Climb out of the window." + +She said, a little restively, "Well, what is the use of a burglar-alarm +for us?" + +"You have seen, dear heart, that it has been useful up to the present +moment, and I have explained to you how it will be continuously useful +after he gets up here." + +That was the end of it. He didn't ring any more alarms. Presently I +said, + +"He is disappointed, I think. He has gone off with the vegetables and +the bric-à-brac, and I think he is dissatisfied." + +We went to sleep, and at a quarter before eight in the morning I was +out, and hurrying, for I was to take the 8.29 train for New York. I +found the gas burning brightly--full head--all over the first floor. My +new overcoat was gone; my old umbrella was gone; my new patent-leather +shoes, which I had never worn, were gone. The large window which opened +into the _ombra_ at the rear of the house was standing wide. I passed +out through it and tracked the burglar down the hill through the trees; +tracked him without difficulty, because he had blazed his progress with +imitation silver napkin-rings, and my umbrella, and various other things +which he had disapproved of; and I went back in triumph and proved to my +wife that he _was_ a disappointed burglar. I had suspected he would be, +from the start, and from his not coming up to our floor to get human +beings. + +Things happened to me that day in New York. I will tell about them +another time. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa has a peculiar gait we like, it seems just to sute him, but + most people do not; he always walks up and down the room while + thinking and between each coarse at meals. + + +A lady distantly related to us came to visit us once in those days. She +came to stay a week, but all our efforts to make her happy failed, we +could not imagine why, and she got up her anchor and sailed the next +morning. We did much guessing, but could not solve the mystery. Later we +found out what the trouble was. It was my tramping up and down between +the courses. She conceived the idea that I could not stand her society. + +That word "Youth," as the reader has perhaps already guessed, was my +wife's pet name for me. It was gently satirical, but also affectionate. +I had certain mental and material peculiarities and customs proper to a +much younger person than I was. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa is very fond of animals particularly of cats, we had a dear + little gray kitten once that he named "Lazy" (papa always wears + gray to match his hair and eyes) and he would carry him around on + his shoulder, it was a mighty pretty sight! the gray cat sound + asleep against papa's gray coat and hair. The names that he has + given our different cats, are realy remarkably funny, they are + namely Stray Kit, Abner, Motley, Fraeulein, Lazy, Bufalo Bill, + Cleveland, Sour Mash, and Pestilence and Famine. + + +At one time when the children were small, we had a very black mother-cat +named Satan, and Satan had a small black offspring named Sin. Pronouns +were a difficulty for the children. Little Clara came in one day, her +black eyes snapping with indignation, and said, + +"Papa, Satan ought to be punished. She is out there at the greenhouse +and there she stays and stays, and his kitten is down-stairs crying." + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa uses very strong language, but I have an idea not nearly so + strong as when he first maried mamma. A lady acquaintance of his is + rather apt to interupt what one is saying, and papa told mamma that + he thought he should say to the lady's husband "I am glad your wife + wasn't present when the Deity said 'Let there be light.'" + + +It is as I have said before. This is a frank historian. She doesn't +cover up one's deficiencies, but gives them an equal showing with one's +handsomer qualities. Of course I made the remark which she has +quoted--and even at this distant day I am still as much as half +persuaded that if that lady had been present when the Creator said, "Let +there be light," she would have interrupted Him and we shouldn't ever +have got it. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa said the other day, "I am a mugwump and a mugwump is pure from + the marrow out." (Papa knows that I am writing this biography of + him, and he said this for it.) He doesn't like to go to church at + all, why I never understood, until just now, he told us the other + day that he couldn't bear to hear any one talk but himself, but + that he could listen to himself talk for hours without getting + tired, of course he said this in joke, but I've no dought it was + founded on truth. + + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCII. + +NOVEMBER 2, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--V. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +Susy's remark about my strong language troubles me, and I must go back +to it. All through the first ten years of my married life I kept a +constant and discreet watch upon my tongue while in the house, and went +outside and to a distance when circumstances were too much for me and I +was obliged to seek relief. I prized my wife's respect and approval +above all the rest of the human race's respect and approval. I dreaded +the day when she should discover that I was but a whited sepulchre +partly freighted with suppressed language. I was so careful, during ten +years, that I had not a doubt that my suppressions had been successful. +Therefore I was quite as happy in my guilt as I could have been if I had +been innocent. + +But at last an accident exposed me. I went into the bath-room one +morning to make my toilet, and carelessly left the door two or three +inches ajar. It was the first time that I had ever failed to take the +precaution of closing it tightly. I knew the necessity of being +particular about this, because shaving was always a trying ordeal for +me, and I could seldom carry it through to a finish without verbal +helps. Now this time I was unprotected, but did not suspect it. I had no +extraordinary trouble with my razor on this occasion, and was able to +worry through with mere mutterings and growlings of an improper sort, +but with nothing noisy or emphatic about them--no snapping and barking. +Then I put on a shirt. My shirts are an invention of my own. They open +in the back, and are buttoned there--when there are buttons. This time +the button was missing. My temper jumped up several degrees in a moment, +and my remarks rose accordingly, both in loudness and vigor of +expression. But I was not troubled, for the bath-room door was a solid +one and I supposed it was firmly closed. I flung up the window and threw +the shirt out. It fell upon the shrubbery where the people on their way +to church could admire it if they wanted to; there was merely fifty feet +of grass between the shirt and the passer-by. Still rumbling and +thundering distantly, I put on another shirt. Again the button was +absent. I augmented my language to meet the emergency, and threw that +shirt out of the window. I was too angry--too insane--to examine the +third shirt, but put it furiously on. Again the button was absent, and +that shirt followed its comrades out of the window. Then I straightened +up, gathered my reserves, and let myself go like a cavalry charge. In +the midst of that great assault, my eye fell upon that gaping door, and +I was paralyzed. + +It took me a good while to finish my toilet. I extended the time +unnecessarily in trying to make up my mind as to what I would best do in +the circumstances. I tried to hope that Mrs. Clemens was asleep, but I +knew better. I could not escape by the window. It was narrow, and suited +only to shirts. At last I made up my mind to boldly loaf through the +bedroom with the air of a person who had not been doing anything. I made +half the journey successfully. I did not turn my eyes in her direction, +because that would not be safe. It is very difficult to look as if you +have not been doing anything when the facts are the other way, and my +confidence in my performance oozed steadily out of me as I went along. I +was aiming for the left-hand door because it was furthest from my wife. +It had never been opened from the day that the house was built, but it +seemed a blessed refuge for me now. The bed was this one, wherein I am +lying now, and dictating these histories morning after morning with so +much serenity. It was this same old elaborately carved black Venetian +bedstead--the most comfortable bedstead that ever was, with space enough +in it for a family, and carved angels enough surmounting its twisted +columns and its headboard and footboard to bring peace to the sleepers, +and pleasant dreams. I had to stop in the middle of the room. I hadn't +the strength to go on. I believed that I was under accusing eyes--that +even the carved angels were inspecting me with an unfriendly gaze. You +know how it is when you are convinced that somebody behind you is +looking steadily at you. You _have_ to turn your face--you can't help +it. I turned mine. The bed was placed as it is now, with the foot where +the head ought to be. If it had been placed as it should have been, the +high headboard would have sheltered me. But the footboard was no +sufficient protection, for I could be seen over it. I was exposed. I was +wholly without protection. I turned, because I couldn't help it--and my +memory of what I saw is still vivid, after all these years. + +Against the white pillows I saw the black head--I saw that young and +beautiful face; and I saw the gracious eyes with a something in them +which I had never seen there before. They were snapping and flashing +with indignation. I felt myself crumbling; I felt myself shrinking away +to nothing under that accusing gaze. I stood silent under that +desolating fire for as much as a minute, I should say--it seemed a very, +very long time. Then my wife's lips parted, and from them issued--_my +latest bath-room remark_. The language perfect, but the expression +velvety, unpractical, apprenticelike, ignorant, inexperienced, comically +inadequate, absurdly weak and unsuited to the great language. In my +lifetime I had never heard anything so out of tune, so inharmonious, so +incongruous, so ill-suited to each other as were those mighty words set +to that feeble music. I tried to keep from laughing, for I was a guilty +person in deep need of charity and mercy. I tried to keep from +bursting, and I succeeded--until she gravely said, "There, now you know +how it sounds." + +Then I exploded; the air was filled with my fragments, and you could +hear them whiz. I said, "Oh Livy, if it sounds like _that_ I will never +do it again!" + +Then she had to laugh herself. Both of us broke into convulsions, and +went on laughing until we were physically exhausted and spiritually +reconciled. + +The children were present at breakfast--Clara aged six and Susy +eight--and the mother made a guarded remark about strong language; +guarded because she did not wish the children to suspect anything--a +guarded remark which censured strong language. Both children broke out +in one voice with this comment, "Why, mamma, papa uses it!" + +I was astonished. I had supposed that that secret was safe in my own +breast, and that its presence had never been suspected. I asked, + +"How did you know, you little rascals?" + +"Oh," they said, "we often listen over the balusters when you are in the +hall explaining things to George." + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + One of papa's latest books is "The Prince and the Pauper" and it is + unquestionably the best book he has ever written, some people want + him to keep to his old style, some gentleman wrote him, "I enjoyed + Huckleberry Finn immensely and am glad to see that you have + returned to your old style." That enoyed me that enoyed me greatly, + because it trobles me [Susy was troubled by that word, and + uncertain; she wrote a u above it in the proper place, but + reconsidered the matter and struck it out] to have so few people + know papa, I mean realy know him, they think of Mark Twain as a + humorist joking at everything; "And with a mop of reddish brown + hair which sorely needs the barbars brush a roman nose, short + stubby mustache, a sad care-worn face, with maney crow's feet" etc. + That is the way people picture papa, I have wanted papa to write a + book that would reveal something of his kind sympathetic nature, + and "The Prince and the Pauper" partly does it. The book is full of + lovely charming ideas, and oh the language! It is _perfect_. I + think that one of the most touching scenes in it, is where the + pauper is riding on horseback with his nobles in the "recognition + procession" and he sees his mother oh and then what followed! How + she runs to his side, when she sees him throw up his hand palm + outward, and is rudely pushed off by one of the King's officers, + and then how the little pauper's consceince troubles him when he + remembers the shameful words that were falling from his lips, when + she was turned from his side "I know you not woman" and how his + grandeurs were stricken valueless, and his pride consumed to ashes. + It is a wonderfully beautiful and touching little scene, and papa + has described it so wonderfully. I never saw a man with so much + variety of feeling as papa has; now the "Prince and the Pauper" is + full of touching places; but there is most always a streak of humor + in them somewhere. Now in the coronation--in the stirring + coronation, just after the little king has got his crown back again + papa brings that in about the Seal, where the pauper says he used + the Seal "to crack nuts with." Oh it is so funny and nice! Papa + very seldom writes a passage without some humor in it somewhere, + and I dont think he ever will. + + +The children always helped their mother to edit my books in manuscript. +She would sit on the porch at the farm and read aloud, with her pencil +in her hand, and the children would keep an alert and suspicious eye +upon her right along, for the belief was well grounded in them that +whenever she came across a particularly satisfactory passage she would +strike it out. Their suspicions were well founded. The passages which +were so satisfactory to them always had an element of strength in them +which sorely needed modification or expurgation, and were always sure to +get it at their mother's hand. For my own entertainment, and to enjoy +the protests of the children, I often abused my editor's innocent +confidence. I often interlarded remarks of a studied and felicitously +atrocious character purposely to achieve the children's brief delight, +and then see the remorseless pencil do its fatal work. I often joined my +supplications to the children's for mercy, and strung the argument out +and pretended to be in earnest. They were deceived, and so was their +mother. It was three against one, and most unfair. But it was very +delightful, and I could not resist the temptation. Now and then we +gained the victory and there was much rejoicing. Then I privately struck +the passage out myself. It had served its purpose. It had furnished +three of us with good entertainment, and in being removed from the book +by me it was only suffering the fate originally intended for it. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa was born in Missouri. His mother is Grandma Clemens (Jane + Lampton Clemens) of Kentucky. Grandpa Clemens was of the F.F.V's of + Virginia. + + +Without doubt it was I that gave Susy that impression. I cannot imagine +why, because I was never in my life much impressed by grandeurs which +proceed from the accident of birth. I did not get this indifference from +my mother. She was always strongly interested in the ancestry of the +house. She traced her own line back to the Lambtons of Durham, +England--a family which had been occupying broad lands there since Saxon +times. I am not sure, but I think that those Lambtons got along without +titles of nobility for eight or nine hundred years, then produced a +great man, three-quarters of a century ago, and broke into the peerage. +My mother knew all about the Clemenses of Virginia, and loved to +aggrandize them to me, but she has long been dead. There has been no one +to keep those details fresh in my memory, and they have grown dim. + +There was a Jere. Clemens who was a United States Senator, and in his +day enjoyed the usual Senatorial fame--a fame which perishes whether it +spring from four years' service or forty. After Jere. Clemens's fame as +a Senator passed away, he was still remembered for many years on account +of another service which he performed. He shot old John Brown's Governor +Wise in the hind leg in a duel. However, I am not very clear about this. +It may be that Governor Wise shot _him_ in the hind leg. However, I +don't think it is important. I think that the only thing that is really +important is that one of them got shot in the hind leg. It would have +been better and nobler and more historical and satisfactory if both of +them had got shot in the hind leg--but it is of no use for me to try to +recollect history. I never had a historical mind. Let it go. Whichever +way it happened I am glad of it, and that is as much enthusiasm as I can +get up for a person bearing my name. But I am forgetting the first +Clemens--the one that stands furthest back toward the really original +_first_ Clemens, which was Adam. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Clara and I are sure that papa played the trick on Grandma, about + the whipping, that is related in "The Adventures of Tom Sayer": + "Hand me that switch." The switch hovered in the air, the peril was + desperate--"My, look behind you Aunt!" The old lady whirled around + and snatched her skirts out of danger. The lad fled on the instant, + scrambling up the high board fence and dissapeared over it. + + +Susy and Clara were quite right about that. + +Then Susy says: + + + And we know papa played "Hookey" all the time. And how readily + would papa pretend to be dying so as not to have to go to school! + + +These revelations and exposures are searching, but they are just If I am +as transparent to other people as I was to Susy, I have wasted much +effort in this life. + + + Grandma couldn't make papa go to school, no she let him go into a + printing-office to learn the trade. He did so, and gradually picked + up enough education to enable him to do about as well as those who + were more studious in early life. + + +It is noticeable that Susy does not get overheated when she is +complimenting me, but maintains a proper judicial and biographical calm. +It is noticeable, also, and it is to her credit as a biographer, that +she distributes compliment and criticism with a fair and even hand. + +My mother had a good deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed +it. She had none at all with my brother Henry, who was two years younger +than I, and I think that the unbroken monotony of his goodness and +truthfulness and obedience would have been a burden to her but for the +relief and variety which I furnished in the other direction. I was a +tonic. I was valuable to her. I never thought of it before, but now I +see it. I never knew Henry to do a vicious thing toward me, or toward +any one else--but he frequently did righteous ones that cost me as +heavily. It was his duty to report me, when I needed reporting and +neglected to do it myself, and he was very faithful in discharging that +duty. He is "Sid" in "Tom Sawyer." But Sid was not Henry. Henry was a +very much finer and better boy than ever Sid was. + +It was Henry who called my mother's attention to the fact that the +thread with which she had sewed my collar together to keep me from going +in swimming, had changed color. My mother would not have discovered it +but for that, and she was manifestly piqued when she recognized that +that prominent bit of circumstantial evidence had escaped her sharp eye. +That detail probably added a detail to my punishment. It is human. We +generally visit our shortcomings on somebody else when there is a +possible excuse for it--but no matter, I took it out of Henry. There is +always compensation for such as are unjustly used. I often took it out +of him--sometimes as an advance payment for something which I hadn't yet +done. These were occasions when the opportunity was too strong a +temptation, and I had to draw on the future. I did not need to copy this +idea from my mother, and probably didn't. Still she wrought upon that +principle upon occasion. + +If the incident of the broken sugar-bowl is in "Tom Sawyer"--I don't +remember whether it is or not--that is an example of it. Henry never +stole sugar. He took it openly from the bowl. His mother knew he +wouldn't take sugar when she wasn't looking, but she had her doubts +about me. Not exactly doubts, either. She knew very well I _would._ One +day when she was not present, Henry took sugar from her prized and +precious old English sugar-bowl, which was an heirloom in the +family--and he managed to break the bowl. It was the first time I had +ever had a chance to tell anything on him, and I was inexpressibly glad. +I told him I was going to tell on him, but he was not disturbed. When my +mother came in and saw the bowl lying on the floor in fragments, she was +speechless for a minute. I allowed that silence to work; I judged it +would increase the effect. I was waiting for her to ask "Who did +that?"--so that I could fetch out my news. But it was an error of +calculation. When she got through with her silence she didn't ask +anything about it--she merely gave me a crack on the skull with her +thimble that I felt all the way down to my heels. Then I broke out with +my injured innocence, expecting to make her very sorry that she had +punished the wrong one. I expected her to do something remorseful and +pathetic. I told her that I was not the one--it was Henry. But there was +no upheaval. She said, without emotion, "It's all right. It isn't any +matter. You deserve it for something you've done that I didn't know +about; and if you haven't done it, why then you deserve it for something +that you are going to do, that I sha'n't hear about." + +There was a stairway outside the house, which led up to the rear part of +the second story. One day Henry was sent on an errand, and he took a tin +bucket along. I knew he would have to ascend those stairs, so I went up +and locked the door on the inside, and came down into the garden, which +had been newly ploughed and was rich in choice firm clods of black mold. +I gathered a generous equipment of these, and ambushed him. I waited +till he had climbed the stairs and was near the landing and couldn't +escape. Then I bombarded him with clods, which he warded off with his +tin bucket the best he could, but without much success, for I was a good +marksman. The clods smashing against the weather-boarding fetched my +mother out to see what was the matter, and I tried to explain that I was +amusing Henry. Both of them were after me in a minute, but I knew the +way over that high board fence and escaped for that time. After an hour +or two, when I ventured back, there was no one around and I thought the +incident was closed. But it was not. Henry was ambushing me. With an +unusually competent aim for him, he landed a stone on the side of my +head which raised a bump there that felt like the Matterhorn. I carried +it to my mother straightway for sympathy, but she was not strongly +moved. It seemed to be her idea that incidents like this would +eventually reform me if I harvested enough of them. So the matter was +only educational. I had had a sterner view of it than that, before. + +It was not right to give the cat the "Pain-Killer"; I realize it now. I +would not repeat it in these days. But in those "Tom Sawyer" days it was +a great and sincere satisfaction to me to see Peter perform under its +influence--and if actions _do_ speak as loud as words, he took as much +interest in it as I did. It was a most detestable medicine, Perry +Davis's Pain-Killer. Mr. Pavey's negro man, who was a person of good +judgment and considerable curiosity, wanted to sample it, and I let him. +It was his opinion that it was made of hell-fire. + +Those were the cholera days of '49. The people along the Mississippi +were paralyzed with fright. Those who could run away, did it. And many +died of fright in the flight. Fright killed three persons where the +cholera killed one. Those who couldn't flee kept themselves drenched +with cholera preventives, and my mother chose Perry Davis's Pain-Killer +for me. She was not distressed about herself. She avoided that kind of +preventive. But she made me promise to take a teaspoonful of Pain-Killer +every day. Originally it was my intention to keep the promise, but at +that time I didn't know as much about Pain-Killer as I knew after my +first experiment with it. She didn't watch Henry's bottle--she could +trust Henry. But she marked my bottle with a pencil, on the label, every +day, and examined it to see if the teaspoonful had been removed. The +floor was not carpeted. It had cracks in it, and I fed the Pain-Killer +to the cracks with very good results--no cholera occurred down below. + +It was upon one of these occasions that that friendly cat came waving +his tail and supplicating for Pain-Killer--which he got--and then went +into those hysterics which ended with his colliding with all the +furniture in the room and finally going out of the open window and +carrying the flower-pots with him, just in time for my mother to arrive +and look over her glasses in petrified astonishment and say, "What in +the world is the matter with Peter?" + +I don't remember what my explanation was, but if it is recorded in that +book it may not be the right one. + +Whenever my conduct was of such exaggerated impropriety that my mother's +extemporary punishments were inadequate, she saved the matter up for +Sunday, and made me go to church Sunday night--which was a penalty +sometimes bearable, perhaps, but as a rule it was not, and I avoided it +for the sake of my constitution. She would never believe that I had been +to church until she had applied her test: she made me tell her what the +text was. That was a simple matter, and caused me no trouble. I didn't +have to go to church to get a text. I selected one for myself. This +worked very well until one time when my text and the one furnished by a +neighbor, who had been to church, didn't tally. After that my mother +took other methods. I don't know what they were now. + +In those days men and boys wore rather long cloaks in the winter-time. +They were black, and were lined with very bright and showy Scotch +plaids. One winter's night when I was starting to church to square a +crime of some kind committed during the week, I hid my cloak near the +gate and went off and played with the other boys until church was over. +Then I returned home. But in the dark I put the cloak on wrong side out, +entered the room, threw the cloak aside, and then stood the usual +examination. I got along very well until the temperature of the church +was mentioned. My mother said, + +"It must have been impossible to keep warm there on such a night." + +I didn't see the art of that remark, and was foolish enough to explain +that I wore my cloak all the time that I was in church. She asked if I +kept it on from church home, too. I didn't see the bearing of that +remark. I said that that was what I had done. She said, + +"You wore it in church with that red Scotch plaid outside and glaring? +Didn't that attract any attention?" + +Of course to continue such a dialogue would have been tedious and +unprofitable, and I let it go, and took the consequences. + +That was about 1849. Tom Nash was a boy of my own age--the postmaster's +son. The Mississippi was frozen across, and he and I went skating one +night, probably without permission. I cannot see why we should go +skating in the night unless without permission, for there could be no +considerable amusement to be gotten out of skating at night if nobody +was going to object to it. About midnight, when we were more than half a +mile out toward the Illinois shore, we heard some ominous rumbling and +grinding and crashing going on between us and the home side of the +river, and we knew what it meant--the ice was breaking up. We started +for home, pretty badly scared. We flew along at full speed whenever the +moonlight sifting down between the clouds enabled us to tell which was +ice and which was water. In the pauses we waited; started again whenever +there was a good bridge of ice; paused again when we came to naked water +and waited in distress until a floating vast cake should bridge that +place. It took us an hour to make the trip--a trip which we made in a +misery of apprehension all the time. But at last we arrived within a +very brief distance of the shore. We waited again; there was another +place that needed bridging. All about us the ice was plunging and +grinding along and piling itself up in mountains on the shore, and the +dangers were increasing, not diminishing. We grew very impatient to get +to solid ground, so we started too early and went springing from cake to +cake. Tom made a miscalculation, and fell short. He got a bitter bath, +but he was so close to shore that he only had to swim a stroke or +two--then his feet struck hard bottom and he crawled out. I arrived a +little later, without accident. We had been in a drenching perspiration, +and Tom's bath was a disaster for him. He took to his bed sick, and had +a procession of diseases. The closing one was scarlet-fever, and he came +out of it stone deaf. Within a year or two speech departed, of course. +But some years later he was taught to talk, after a fashion--one +couldn't always make out what it was he was trying to say. Of course he +could not modulate his voice, since he couldn't hear himself talk. When +he supposed he was talking low and confidentially, you could hear him in +Illinois. + +Four years ago (1902) I was invited by the University of Missouri to +come out there and receive the honorary degree of LL.D. I took that +opportunity to spend a week in Hannibal--a city now, a village in my +day. It had been fifty-three years since Tom Nash and I had had that +adventure. When I was at the railway station ready to leave Hannibal, +there was a crowd of citizens there. I saw Tom Nash approaching me +across a vacant space, and I walked toward him, for I recognized him at +once. He was old and white-headed, but the boy of fifteen was still +visible in him. He came up to me, made a trumpet of his hands at my ear, +nodded his head toward the citizens and said confidentially--in a yell +like a fog-horn-- + +"Same damned fools, Sam!" + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Papa was about twenty years old when he went on the Mississippi as + a pilot. Just before he started on his tripp Grandma Clemens asked + him to promise her on the Bible not to touch intoxicating liquors + or swear, and he said "Yes, mother, I will," and he kept that + promise seven years when Grandma released him from it. + + +Under the inspiring influence of that remark, what a garden of forgotten +reforms rises upon my sight! + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCIII. + +NOVEMBER 16, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--VI. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +_From Susy's Biography_. + + + Papa made arrangements to read at Vassar College the 1st of May, + and I went with him. We went by way of New York City. Mamma went + with us to New York and stayed two days to do some shopping. We + started Tuesday, at 1/2 past two o'clock in the afternoon, and + reached New York about 1/4 past six. Papa went right up to General + Grants from the station and mamma and I went to the Everett House. + Aunt Clara came to supper with us up in our room.... + + We and Aunt Clara were going were going to the theatre right after + supper, and we expected papa to take us there and to come home as + early as he could. But we got through dinner and he didn't come, + and didn't come, and mamma got more perplexed and worried, but at + last we thought we would have to go without him. So we put on our + things and started down stairs but before we'd goten half down we + met papa coming up with a great bunch of roses in his hand. He + explained that the reason he was so late was that his watch stopped + and he didn't notice and kept thinking it an hour earlier than it + really was. The roses he carried were some Col. Fred Grant sent to + mamma. We went to the theatre and enjoyed "Adonis" [word illegible] + acted very much. We reached home about 1/2 past eleven o'clock and + went right to bed. Wednesday morning we got up rather late and had + breakfast about 1/2 past nine o'clock. After breakfast mamma went + out shopping and papa and I went to see papa's agent about some + business matters. After papa had gotten through talking to Cousin + Charlie, [Webster] papa's agent, we went to get a friend of papa's, + Major Pond, to go and see a Dog Show with us. Then we went to see + the dogs with Major Pond and we had a delightful time seeing so + many dogs together; when we got through seeing the dogs papa + thought he would go and see General Grant and I went with him--this + was April 29, 1885. Papa went up into General Grant's room and he + took me with him, I felt greatly honored and delighted when papa + took me into General Grant's room and let me see the General and + Col. Grant, for General Grant is a man I shall be glad all my life + that I have seen. Papa and General Grant had a long talk together + and papa has written an account of his talk and visit with General + Grant for me to put into this biography. + + +Susy has inserted in this place that account of mine--as follows: + + + April 29, 1885. + + I called on General Grant and took Susy with me. The General was + looking and feeling far better than he had looked or felt for some + months. He had ventured to work again on his book that morning--the + first time he had done any work for perhaps a month. This morning's + work was his first attempt at dictating, and it was a thorough + success, to his great delight. He had always said that it would be + impossible for him to dictate anything, but I had said that he was + noted for clearness of statement, and as a narrative was simply a + statement of consecutive facts, he was consequently peculiarly + qualified and equipped for dictation. This turned out to be true. + For he had dictated two hours that morning to a shorthand writer, + had never hesitated for words, had not repeated himself, and the + manuscript when finished needed no revision. The two hours' work + was an account of Appomattox--and this was such an extremely + important feature that his book would necessarily have been + severely lame without it. Therefore I had taken a shorthand writer + there before, to see if I could not get him to write at least a few + lines about Appomattox.[5] But he was at that time not well enough + to undertake it. I was aware that of all the hundred versions of + Appomattox, not one was really correct. Therefore I was extremely + anxious that he should leave behind him the truth. His throat was + not distressing him, and his voice was much better and stronger + than usual. He was so delighted to have gotten Appomattox + accomplished once more in his life--to have gotten the matter off + his mind--that he was as talkative as his old self. He received + Susy very pleasantly, and then fell to talking about certain + matters which he hoped to be able to dictate next day; and he said + in substance that, among other things, he wanted to settle once for + all a question that had been bandied about from mouth to mouth and + from newspaper to newspaper. That question was, "With whom + originated the idea of the march to the sea? Was it Grant's, or was + it Sherman's idea?" Whether I, or some one else (being anxious to + get the important fact settled) asked him with whom the idea + originated, I don't remember. But I remember his answer. I shall + always remember his answer. General Grant said: + + "Neither of us originated the idea of Sherman's march to the sea. + The enemy did it." + + He went on to say that the enemy, however, necessarily originated a + great many of the plans that the general on the opposite side gets + the credit for; at the same time that the enemy is doing that, he + is laying open other moves which the opposing general sees and + takes advantage of. In this case, Sherman had a plan all thought + out, of course. He meant to destroy the two remaining railroads in + that part of the country, and that would finish up that region. But + General Hood did not play the military part that he was expected to + play. On the contrary, General Hood made a dive at Chattanooga. + This left the march to the sea open to Sherman, and so after + sending part of his army to defend and hold what he had acquired in + the Chattanooga region, he was perfectly free to proceed, with the + rest of it, through Georgia. He saw the opportunity, and he would + not have been fit for his place if he had not seized it. + + "He wrote me" (the General is speaking) "what his plan was, and I + sent him word to go ahead. My staff were opposed to the movement." + (I think the General said they tried to persuade him to stop + Sherman. The chief of his staff, the General said, even went so far + as to go to Washington without the General's knowledge and get the + ear of the authorities, and he succeeded in arousing their fears to + such an extent that they telegraphed General Grant to stop + Sherman.) + + Then General Grant said, "Out of deference to the Government, I + telegraphed Sherman and stopped him twenty-four hours; and then + considering that that was deference enough to the Government, I + telegraphed him to go ahead again." + + I have not tried to give the General's language, but only the + general idea of what he said. The thing that mainly struck me was + his terse remark that the enemy originated the idea of the march to + the sea. It struck me because it was so suggestive of the General's + epigrammatic fashion--saying a great deal in a single crisp + sentence. (This is my account, and signed "Mark Twain.") + + +_Susy Resumes._ + + + After papa and General Grant had had their talk, we went back to + the hotel where mamma was, and papa told mamma all about his + interview with General Grant. Mamma and I had a nice quiet + afternoon together. + + +That pair of devoted comrades were always shutting themselves up +together when there was opportunity to have what Susy called "a cozy +time." From Susy's nursery days to the end of her life, she and her +mother were close friends; intimate friends, passionate adorers of each +other. Susy's was a beautiful mind, and it made her an interesting +comrade. And with the fine mind she had a heart like her mother's. Susy +never had an interest or an occupation which she was not glad to put +aside for that something which was in all cases more precious to her--a +visit with her mother. Susy died at the right time, the fortunate time +of life; the happy age--twenty-four years. At twenty-four, such a girl +has seen the best of life--life as a happy dream. After that age the +risks begin; responsibility comes, and with it the cares, the sorrows, +and the inevitable tragedy. For her mother's sake I would have brought +her back from the grave if I could, but I would not have done it for my +own. + +_From Susy's Biography_. + + + Then papa went to read in public; there were a great many authors + that read, that Thursday afternoon, beside papa; I would have liked + to have gone and heard papa read, but papa said he was going to + read in Vassar just what he was planning to read in New York, so I + stayed at home with mamma. + + The next day mamma planned to take the four o'clock car back to + Hartford. We rose quite early that morning and went to the Vienna + Bakery and took breakfast there. From there we went to a German + bookstore and bought some German books for Clara's birthday. + + +Dear me, the power of association to snatch mouldy dead memories out of +their graves and make them walk! That remark about buying foreign books +throws a sudden white glare upon the distant past; and I see the long +stretch of a New York street with an unearthly vividness, and John Hay +walking down it, grave and remorseful. I was walking down it too, that +morning, and I overtook Hay and asked him what the trouble was. He +turned a lustreless eye upon me and said: + +"My case is beyond cure. In the most innocent way in the world I have +committed a crime which will never be forgiven by the sufferers, for +they will never believe--oh, well, no, I was going to say they would +never believe that I did the thing innocently. The truth is they will +know that I acted innocently, because they are rational people; but what +of that? I never can look them in the face again--nor they me, perhaps." + +Hay was a young bachelor, and at that time was on the "Tribune" staff. +He explained his trouble in these words, substantially: + +"When I was passing along here yesterday morning on my way down-town to +the office, I stepped into a bookstore where I am acquainted, and asked +if they had anything new from the other side. They handed me a French +novel, in the usual yellow paper cover, and I carried it away. I didn't +even look at the title of it. It was for recreation reading, and I was +on my way to my work. I went mooning and dreaming along, and I think I +hadn't gone more than fifty yards when I heard my name called. I +stopped, and a private carriage drew up at the sidewalk and I shook +hands with the inmates--mother and young daughter, excellent people. +They were on their way to the steamer to sail for Paris. The mother +said, + +"'I saw that book in your hand and I judged by the look of it that it +was a French novel. Is it?' + +"I said it was. + +"She said, 'Do let me have it, so that my daughter can practise her +French on it on the way over.' + +"Of course I handed her the book, and we parted. Ten minutes ago I was +passing that bookstore again, and I stepped in and fetched away another +copy of that book. Here it is. Read the first page of it. That is +enough. You will know what the rest is like. I think it must be the +foulest book in the French language--one of the foulest, anyway. I would +be ashamed to offer it to a harlot--but, oh dear, I gave it to that +sweet young girl without shame. Take my advice; don't give away a book +until you have examined it." + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + Then mamma and I went to do some shopping and papa went to see + General Grant. After we had finnished doing our shopping we went + home to the hotel together. When we entered our rooms in the hotel + we saw on the table a vase full of exquisett red roses. Mamma who + is very fond of flowers exclaimed "Oh I wonder who could have sent + them." We both looked at the card in the midst of the roses and saw + that it was written on in papa's handwriting, it was written in + German. 'Liebes Geshchenk on die mamma.' [I am sure I didn't say + "on"--that is Susy's spelling, not mine; also I am sure I didn't + spell Geschenk so liberally as all that.--S. L. C.] Mamma was + delighted. Papa came home and gave mamma her ticket; and after + visiting a while with her went to see Major Pond and mamma and I + sat down to our lunch. After lunch most of our time was taken up + with packing, and at about three o'clock we went to escort mamma to + the train. We got on board the train with her and stayed with her + about five minutes and then we said good-bye to her and the train + started for Hartford. It was the first time I had ever beene away + from home without mamma in my life, although I was 13 yrs. old. + Papa and I drove back to the hotel and got Major Pond and then went + to see the Brooklyn Bridge we went across it to Brooklyn on the + cars and then walked back across it from Brooklyn to New York. We + enjoyed looking at the beautiful scenery and we could see the + bridge moove under the intense heat of the sun. We had a perfectly + delightful time, but weer pretty tired when we got back to the + hotel. + + The next morning we rose early, took our breakfast and took an + early train to Poughkeepsie. We had a very pleasant journey to + Poughkeepsie. The Hudson was magnificent--shrouded with beautiful + mist. When we arived at Poughkeepsie it was raining quite hard; + which fact greatly dissapointed me because I very much wanted to + see the outside of the buildings of Vassar College and as it rained + that would be impossible. It was quite a long drive from the + station to Vasser College and papa and I had a nice long time to + discuss and laugh over German profanity. One of the German phrases + papa particularly enjoys is "O heilige maria Mutter Jesus!" Jean + has a German nurse, and this was one of her phrases, there was a + time when Jean exclaimed "Ach Gott!" to every trifle, but when + mamma found it out she was shocked and instantly put a stop to it. + + +It brings that pretty little German girl vividly before me--a sweet and +innocent and plump little creature with peachy cheeks; a clear-souled +little maiden and without offence, notwithstanding her profanities, and +she was loaded to the eyebrows with them. She was a mere child. She was +not fifteen yet. She was just from Germany, and knew no English. She was +always scattering her profanities around, and they were such a +satisfaction to me that I never dreamed of such a thing as modifying +her. For my own sake, I had no disposition to tell on her. Indeed I took +pains to keep her from being found out. I told her to confine her +religious exercises to the children's quarters, and urged her to +remember that Mrs. Clemens was prejudiced against pieties on week-days. +To the children, the little maid's profanities sounded natural and +proper and right, because they had been used to that kind of talk in +Germany, and they attached no evil importance to it. It grieves me that +I have forgotten those vigorous remarks. I long hoarded them in my +memory as a treasure. But I remember one of them still, because I heard +it so many times. The trial of that little creature's life was the +children's hair. She would tug and strain with her comb, accompanying +her work with her misplaced pieties. And when finally she was through +with her triple job she always fired up and exploded her thanks toward +the sky, where they belonged, in this form: "_Gott sei Dank ich bin +fertig mit'm Gott verdammtes Haar!_" (I believe I am not quite brave +enough to translate it.) + +_From Susy's Biography_. + + + We at length reached Vassar College and she looked very finely, her + buildings and her grounds being very beautiful. We went to the + front doore and range the bell. The young girl who came to the + doore wished to know who we wanted to see. Evidently we were not + expected. Papa told her who we wanted to see and she showed us to + the parlor. We waited, no one came; and waited, no one came, still + no one came. It was beginning to seem pretty awkward, "Oh well this + is a pretty piece of business," papa exclaimed. At length we heard + footsteps coming down the long corridor and Miss C, (the lady who + had invited papa) came into the room. She greeted papa very + pleasantly and they had a nice little chatt together. Soon the lady + principal also entered and she was very pleasant and agreable. She + showed us to our rooms and said she would send for us when dinner + was ready. We went into our rooms, but we had nothing to do for + half an hour exept to watch the rain drops as they fell upon the + window panes. At last we were called to dinner, and I went down + without papa as he never eats anything in the middle of the day. I + sat at the table with the lady principal and enjoyed very much + seeing all the young girls trooping into the dining-room. After + dinner I went around the College with the young ladies and papa + stayed in his room and smoked. When it was supper time papa went + down and ate supper with us and we had a very delightful supper. + After supper the young ladies went to their rooms to dress for the + evening. Papa went to his room and I went with the lady principal. + At length the guests began to arive, but papa still remained in his + room until called for. Papa read in the chapell. It was the first + time I had ever heard him read in my life--that is in public. When + he came out on to the stage I remember the people behind me + exclaimed "Oh how queer he is! Isn't he funny!" I thought papa was + very funny, although I did not think him queer. He read "A Trying + Situation" and "The Golden Arm," a ghost story that he heard down + South when he was a little boy. "The Golden Arm" papa had told me + before, but he had startled me so that I did not much wish to hear + it again. But I had resolved this time to be prepared and not to + let myself be startled, but still papa did, and very very much; he + startled the whole roomful of people and they jumped as one man. + The other story was also very funny and interesting and I enjoyed + the evening inexpressibly much. After papa had finished reading we + all went down to the collation in the dining-room and after that + there was dancing and singing. Then the guests went away and papa + and I went to bed. The next morning we rose early, took an early + train for Hartford and reached Hartford at 1/2 past 2 o'clock. We + were very glad to get back. + + +How charitably she treats that ghastly experience! It is a dear and +lovely disposition, and a most valuable one, that can brush away +indignities and discourtesies and seek and find the pleasanter features +of an experience. Susy had that disposition, and it was one of the +jewels of her character that had come to her straight from her mother. +It is a feature that was left out of me at birth. And, at seventy, I +have not yet acquired it. I did not go to Vassar College professionally, +but as a guest--as a guest, and gratis. Aunt Clara (now Mrs. John B. +Stanchfield) was a graduate of Vassar and it was to please her that I +inflicted that journey upon Susy and myself. The invitation had come to +me from both the lady mentioned by Susy and the President of the +College--a sour old saint who has probably been gathered to his fathers +long ago; and I hope they enjoy him; I hope they value his society. I +think I can get along without it, in either end of the next world. + +We arrived at the College in that soaking rain, and Susy has described, +with just a suggestion of dissatisfaction, the sort of reception we got. +Susy had to sit in her damp clothes half an hour while we waited in the +parlor; then she was taken to a fireless room and left to wait there +again, as she has stated. I do not remember that President's name, and I +am sorry. He did not put in an appearance until it was time for me to +step upon the platform in front of that great garden of young and lovely +blossoms. He caught up with me and advanced upon the platform with me +and was going to introduce me. I said in substance: + +"You have allowed me to get along without your help thus far, and if you +will retire from the platform I will try to do the rest without it." + +I did not see him any more, but I detest his memory. Of course my +resentment did not extend to the students, and so I had an unforgettable +good time talking to them. And I think they had a good time too, for +they responded "as one man," to use Susy's unimprovable phrase. + +Girls are charming creatures. I shall have to be twice seventy years old +before I change my mind as to that. I am to talk to a crowd of them this +afternoon, students of Barnard College (the sex's annex to Columbia +University), and I think I shall have as pleasant a time with those +lasses as I had with the Vassar girls twenty-one years ago. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + I stopped in the middle of mamma's early history to tell about our + tripp to Vassar because I was afraid I would forget about it, now I + will go on where I left off. Some time after Miss Emma Nigh died + papa took mamma and little Langdon to Elmira for the summer. When + in Elmira Langdon began to fail but I think mamma did not know just + what was the matter with him. + + +I was the cause of the child's illness. His mother trusted him to my +care and I took him a long drive in an open barouche for an airing. It +was a raw, cold morning, but he was well wrapped about with furs and, in +the hands of a careful person, no harm would have come to him. But I +soon dropped into a reverie and forgot all about my charge. The furs +fell away and exposed his bare legs. By and by the coachman noticed +this, and I arranged the wraps again, but it was too late. The child was +almost frozen. I hurried home with him. I was aghast at what I had done, +and I feared the consequences. I have always felt shame for that +treacherous morning's work and have not allowed myself to think of it +when I could help it. I doubt if I had the courage to make confession at +that time. I think it most likely that I have never confessed until now. + +_From Susy's Biography._ + + + At last it was time for papa to return to Hartford, and Langdon was + real sick at that time, but still mamma decided to go with him, + thinking the journey might do him good. But after they reached + Hartford he became very sick, and his trouble prooved to be + diptheeria. He died about a week after mamma and papa reached + Hartford. He was burried by the side of grandpa at Elmira, New + York. [Susy rests there with them.--S. L. C.] After that, mamma + became very very ill, so ill that there seemed great danger of + death, but with a great deal of good care she recovered. Some + months afterward mamma and papa [and Susy, who was perhaps fourteen + or fifteen months old at the time.--S. L. C.] went to Europe and + stayed for a time in Scotland and England. In Scotland mamma and + papa became very well equanted with Dr. John Brown, the author of + "Rab and His Friends," and he mett, but was not so well equanted + with, Mr. Charles Kingsley, Mr. Henry M. Stanley, Sir Thomas Hardy + grandson of the Captain Hardy to whom Nellson said "Kiss me Hardy," + when dying on shipboard, Mr. Henry Irving, Robert Browning, Sir + Charles Dilke, Mr. Charles Reade, Mr. William Black, Lord Houghton, + Frank Buckland, Mr. Tom Hughes, Anthony Trollope, Tom Hood, son of + the poet--and mamma and papa were quite well equanted with Dr. + Macdonald and family, and papa met Harrison Ainsworth. + + +I remember all these men very well indeed, except the last one. I do not +recall Ainsworth. By my count, Susy mentions fourteen men. They are all +dead except Sir Charles Dilke. + +We met a great many other interesting people, among them Lewis Carroll, +author of the immortal "Alice"--but he was only interesting to look at, +for he was the stillest and shyest full-grown man I have ever met except +"Uncle Remus." Dr. Macdonald and several other lively talkers were +present, and the talk went briskly on for a couple of hours, but Carroll +sat still all the while except that now and then he answered a question. +His answers were brief. I do not remember that he elaborated any of +them. + +At a dinner at Smalley's we met Herbert Spencer. At a large luncheon +party at Lord Houghton's we met Sir Arthur Helps, who was a celebrity of +world-wide fame at the time, but is quite forgotten now. Lord Elcho, a +large vigorous man, sat at some distance down the table. He was talking +earnestly about Godalming. It was a deep and flowing and unarticulated +rumble, but I got the Godalming pretty clearly every time it broke free +of the rumble, and as all the strength was on the first end of the word +it startled me every time, because it sounded so like swearing. In the +middle of the luncheon Lady Houghton rose, remarked to the guests on her +right and on her left in a matter-of-fact way, "Excuse me, I have an +engagement," and without further ceremony she went off to meet it. This +would have been doubtful etiquette in America. Lord Houghton told a +number of delightful stories. He told them in French, and I lost nothing +of them but the nubs. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[5] I was his publisher. I was putting his "Personal Memoirs" to press +at the time.--S. L. C. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCIV. + +DECEMBER 7, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--VII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +I was always heedless. I was born heedless; and therefore I was +constantly, and quite unconsciously, committing breaches of the minor +proprieties, which brought upon me humiliations which ought to have +humiliated me but didn't, because I didn't know anything had happened. +But Livy knew; and so the humiliations fell to her share, poor child, +who had not earned them and did not deserve them. She always said I was +the most difficult child she had. She was very sensitive about me. It +distressed her to see me do heedless things which could bring me under +criticism, and so she was always watchful and alert to protect me from +the kind of transgressions which I have been speaking of. + +When I was leaving Hartford for Washington, upon the occasion referred +to, she said: "I have written a small warning and put it in a pocket of +your dress-vest. When you are dressing to go to the Authors' Reception +at the White House you will naturally put your fingers in your vest +pockets, according to your custom, and you will find that little note +there. Read it carefully, and do as it tells you. I cannot be with you, +and so I delegate my sentry duties to this little note. If I should give +you the warning by word of mouth, now, it would pass from your head and +be forgotten in a few minutes." + +It was President Cleveland's first term. I had never seen his wife--the +young, the beautiful, the good-hearted, the sympathetic, the +fascinating. Sure enough, just as I had finished dressing to go to the +White House I found that little note, which I had long ago forgotten. It +was a grave little note, a serious little note, like its writer, but it +made me laugh. Livy's gentle gravities often produced that effect upon +me, where the expert humorist's best joke would have failed, for I do +not laugh easily. + +When we reached the White House and I was shaking hands with the +President, he started to say something, but I interrupted him and said: + +"If your Excellency will excuse me, I will come back in a moment; but +now I have a very important matter to attend to, and it must be attended +to at once." + +I turned to Mrs. Cleveland, the young, the beautiful, the fascinating, +and gave her my card, on the back of which I had written "_He +didn't_"--and I asked her to sign her name below those words. + +She said: "He didn't? He didn't what?" + +"Oh," I said, "never mind. We cannot stop to discuss that now. This is +urgent. Won't you please sign your name?" (I handed her a fountain-pen.) + +"Why," she said, "I cannot commit myself in that way. Who is it that +didn't?--and what is it that he didn't?" + +"Oh," I said, "time is flying, flying, flying. Won't you take me out of +my distress and sign your name to it? It's all right. I give you my word +it's all right." + +She looked nonplussed; but hesitatingly and mechanically she took the +pen and said: + +"I will sign it. I will take the risk. But you must tell me all about +it, right afterward, so that you can be arrested before you get out of +the house in case there should be anything criminal about this." + +Then she signed; and I handed her Mrs. Clements's note, which was very +brief, very simple, and to the point. It said: "_Don't wear your arctics +in the White House._" It made her shout; and at my request she summoned +a messenger and we sent that card at once to the mail on its way to Mrs. +Clemens in Hartford. + +When the little Ruth was about a year or a year and a half old, Mason, +an old and valued friend of mine, was consul-general at +Frankfort-on-the-Main. I had known him well in 1867, '68 and '69, in +America, and I and mine had spent a good deal of time with him and his +family in Frankfort in '78. He was a thoroughly competent, diligent, and +conscientious official. Indeed he possessed these qualities in so large +a degree that among American consuls he might fairly be said to be +monumental, for at that time our consular service was largely--and I +think I may say mainly--in the hands of ignorant, vulgar, and incapable +men who had been political heelers in America, and had been taken care +of by transference to consulates where they could be supported at the +Government's expense instead of being transferred to the poor house, +which would have been cheaper and more patriotic. Mason, in '78, had +been consul-general in Frankfort several years--four, I think. He had +come from Marseilles with a great record. He had been consul there +during thirteen years, and one part of his record was heroic. There had +been a desolating cholera epidemic, and Mason was the only +representative of any foreign country who stayed at his post and saw it +through. And during that time he not only represented his own country, +but he represented all the other countries in Christendom and did their +work, and did it well and was praised for it by them in words of no +uncertain sound. This great record of Mason's had saved him from +official decapitation straight along while Republican Presidents +occupied the chair, but now it was occupied by a Democrat. Mr. Cleveland +was not seated in it--he was not yet inaugurated--before he was deluged +with applications from Democratic politicians desiring the appointment +of a thousand or so politically useful Democrats to Mason's place. A +year or two later Mason wrote me and asked me if I couldn't do something +to save him from destruction. + +I was very anxious to keep him in his place, but at first I could not +think of any way to help him, for I was a mugwump. We, the mugwumps, a +little company made up of the unenslaved of both parties, the very best +men to be found in the two great parties--that was our idea of it--voted +sixty thousand strong for Mr. Cleveland in New York and elected him. Our +principles were high, and very definite. We were not a party; we had no +candidates; we had no axes to grind. Our vote laid upon the man we cast +it for no obligation of any kind. By our rule we could not ask for +office; we could not accept office. When voting, it was our duty to vote +for the best man, regardless of his party name. We had no other creed. +Vote for the best man--that was creed enough. + +Such being my situation, I was puzzled to know how to try to help Mason, +and, at the same time, save my mugwump purity undefiled. It was a +delicate place. But presently, out of the ruck of confusions in my mind, +rose a sane thought, clear and bright--to wit: since it was a mugwump's +duty to do his best to put the beet man in office, necessarily it must +be a mugwump's duty to try to _keep_ the best man in when he was already +there. My course was easy now. It might not be quite delicate for a +mugwump to approach the President directly, but I could approach him +indirectly, with all delicacy, since in that case not even courtesy +would require him to take notice of an application which no one could +prove had ever reached him. + +Yes, it was easy and simple sailing now. I could lay the matter before +Ruth, in her cradle, and wait for results. I wrote the little child, and +said to her all that I have just been saying about mugwump principles +and the limitations which they put upon me. I explained that it would +not be proper for me to apply to her father in Mr. Mason's behalf, but I +detailed to her Mr. Mason's high and honorable record and suggested that +she take the matter in her own hands and do a patriotic work which I +felt some delicacy about venturing upon myself. I asked her to forget +that her father was only President of the United States, and her subject +and servant; I asked her not to put her application in the form of a +command, but to modify it, and give it the fictitious and pleasanter +form of a mere request--that it would be no harm to let him gratify +himself with the superstition that he was independent and could do as he +pleased in the matter. I begged her to put stress, and plenty of it, +upon the proposition that to keep Mason in his place would be a +benefaction to the nation; to enlarge upon that, and keep still about +all other considerations. + +In due time I received a letter from the President, written with his own +hand, signed by his own hand, acknowledging Ruth's intervention and +thanking me for enabling him to save to the country the services of so +good and well-tried a servant as Mason, and thanking me, also, for the +detailed fulness of Mason's record, which could leave no doubt in any +one's mind that Mason was in his right place and ought to be kept there. +Mason has remained in the service ever since, and is now consul-general +at Paris. + +During the time that we were living in Buffalo in '70-'71, Mr. Cleveland +was sheriff, but I never happened to make his acquaintance, or even see +him. In fact, I suppose I was not even aware of his existence. Fourteen +years later, he was become the greatest man in the State. I was not +living in the State at the time. He was Governor, and was about to step +into the post of President of the United States. At that time I was on +the public highway in company with another bandit, George W. Cable. We +were robbing the public with readings from our works during four +months--and in the course of time we went to Albany to levy tribute, and +I said, "We ought to go and pay our respects to the Governor." + +So Cable and I went to that majestic Capitol building and stated our +errand. We were shown into the Governor's private office, and I saw Mr. +Cleveland for the first time. We three stood chatting together. I was +born lazy, and I comforted myself by turning the corner of a table into +a sort of seat. Presently the Governor said: + +"Mr. Clemens, I was a fellow citizen of yours in Buffalo a good many +months, a good while ago, and during those months you burst suddenly +into a mighty fame, out of a previous long-continued and no doubt proper +obscurity--but I was a nobody, and you wouldn't notice me nor have +anything to do with me. But now that I have become somebody, you have +changed your style, and you come here to shake hands with me and be +sociable. How do you explain this kind of conduct?" + +"Oh," I said, "it is very simple, your Excellency. In Buffalo you were +nothing but a sheriff. I was in society. I couldn't afford to associate +with sheriffs. But you are a Governor now, and you are on your way to +the Presidency. It is a great difference, and it makes you worth while." + +There appeared to be about sixteen doors to that spacious room. From +each door a young man now emerged, and the sixteen lined up and moved +forward and stood in front of the Governor with an aspect of respectful +expectancy in their attitude. No one spoke for a moment. Then the +Governor said: + +"You are dismissed, gentlemen. Your services are not required. Mr. +Clemens is sitting on the bells." + +There was a cluster of sixteen bell buttons on the corner of the table; +my proportions at that end of me were just right to enable me to cover +the whole of that nest, and that is how I came to hatch out those +sixteen clerks. + +In accordance with the suggestion made in Gilder's letter recently +received I have written the following note to ex-President Cleveland +upon his sixty-ninth birthday: + + + HONORED SIR:-- + + Your patriotic virtues have won for you the homage of half the + nation and the enmity of the other half. This places your character + as a citizen upon a summit as high as Washington's. The verdict is + unanimous and unassailable. The votes of both sides are necessary + in cases like these, and the votes of the one side are quite as + valuable as are the votes of the other. Where the votes are all in + a man's favor the verdict is against him. It is sand, and history + will wash it away. But the verdict for you is rock, and will stand. + + S. L. CLEMENS. + + As of date March 18, 1906.... + + +In a diary which Mrs. Clemens kept for a little while, a great many +years ago, I find various mentions of Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe, who +was a near neighbor of ours in Hartford, with no fences between. And in +those days she made as much use of our grounds as of her own, in +pleasant weather. Her mind had decayed, and she was a pathetic figure. +She wandered about all the day long in the care of a muscular +Irishwoman. Among the colonists of our neighborhood the doors always +stood open in pleasant weather. Mrs. Stowe entered them at her own free +will, and as she was always softly slippered and generally full of +animal spirits, she was able to deal in surprises, and she liked to do +it. She would slip up behind a person who was deep in dreams and +musings and fetch a war-whoop that would jump that person out of his +clothes. And she had other moods. Sometimes we would hear gentle music +in the drawing-room and would find her there at the piano singing +ancient and melancholy songs with infinitely touching effect. + +Her husband, old Professor Stowe, was a picturesque figure. He wore a +broad slouch hat. He was a large man, and solemn. His beard was white +and thick and hung far down on his breast. The first time our little +Susy ever saw him she encountered him on the street near our house and +came flying wide-eyed to her mother and said, "Santa Claus has got +loose!" + +Which reminds me of Rev. Charley Stowe's little boy--a little boy of +seven years. I met Rev. Charley crossing his mother's grounds one +morning and he told me this little tale. He had been out to Chicago to +attend a Convention of Congregational clergymen, and had taken his +little boy with him. During the trip he reminded the little chap, every +now and then, that he must be on his very best behavior there in +Chicago. He said: "We shall be the guests of a clergyman, there will be +other guests--clergymen and their wives--and you must be careful to let +those people see by your walk and conversation that you are of a godly +household. Be very careful about this." The admonition bore fruit. At +the first breakfast which they ate in the Chicago clergyman's house he +heard his little son say in the meekest and most reverent way to the +lady opposite him, + +"Please, won't you, for Christ's sake, pass the butter?" + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCV. + +DECEMBER 21, 1906. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--VIII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1864.)] + +[_Dictated in 1906._] In those early days duelling suddenly became a +fashion in the new Territory of Nevada, and by 1864 everybody was +anxious to have a chance in the new sport, mainly for the reason that he +was not able to thoroughly respect himself so long as he had not killed +or crippled somebody in a duel or been killed or crippled in one +himself. + +At that time I had been serving as city editor on Mr. Goodman's Virginia +City "Enterprise" for a matter of two years. I was twenty-nine years +old. I was ambitious in several ways, but I had entirely escaped the +seductions of that particular craze. I had had no desire to fight a +duel; I had no intention of provoking one. I did not feel respectable, +but I got a certain amount of satisfaction out of feeling safe. I was +ashamed of myself; the rest of the staff were ashamed of me--but I got +along well enough. I had always been accustomed to feeling ashamed of +myself, for one thing or another, so there was no novelty for me in the +situation. I bore it very well. Plunkett was on the staff; R. M. Daggett +was on the staff. These had tried to get into duels, but for the present +had failed, and were waiting. Goodman was the only one of us who had +done anything to shed credit upon the paper. The rival paper was the +Virginia "Union." Its editor for a little while was Tom Fitch, called +the "silver-tongued orator of Wisconsin"--that was where he came from. +He tuned up his oratory in the editorial columns of the "Union," and Mr. +Goodman invited him out and modified him with a bullet. I remember the +joy of the staff when Goodman's challenge was accepted by Fitch. We ran +late that night, and made much of Joe Goodman. He was only twenty-four +years old; he lacked the wisdom which a person has at twenty-nine, and +he was as glad of being _it_ as I was that I wasn't. He chose Major +Graves for his second (that name is not right, but it's close enough; I +don't remember the Major's name). Graves came over to instruct Joe in +the duelling art. He had been a Major under Walker, the "gray-eyed man +of destiny," and had fought all through that remarkable man's +filibustering campaign in Central America. That fact gauges the Major. +To say that a man was a Major under Walker, and came out of that +struggle ennobled by Walker's praise, is to say that the Major was not +merely a brave man but that he was brave to the very utmost limit of +that word. All of Walker's men were like that. I knew the Gillis family +intimately. The father made the campaign under Walker, and with him one +son. They were in the memorable Plaza fight, and stood it out to the +last against overwhelming odds, as did also all of the Walker men. The +son was killed at the father's side. The father received a bullet +through the eye. The old man--for he was an old man at the time--wore +spectacles, and the bullet and one of the glasses went into his skull +and remained there. There were some other sons: Steve, George, and Jim, +very young chaps--the merest lads--who wanted to be in the Walker +expedition, for they had their father's dauntless spirit. But Walker +wouldn't have them; he said it was a serious expedition, and no place +for children. + +The Major was a majestic creature, with a most stately and dignified and +impressive military bearing, and he was by nature and training +courteous, polite, graceful, winning; and he had that quality which I +think I have encountered in only one other man--Bob Howland--a +mysterious quality which resides in the eye; and when that eye is turned +upon an individual or a squad, in warning, that is enough. The man that +has that eye doesn't need to go armed; he can move upon an armed +desperado and quell him and take him prisoner without saying a single +word. I saw Bob Howland do that, once--a slender, good-natured, amiable, +gentle, kindly little skeleton of a man, with a sweet blue eye that +would win your heart when it smiled upon you, or turn cold and freeze +it, according to the nature of the occasion. + +The Major stood Joe up straight; stood Steve Gillis up fifteen paces +away; made Joe turn right side towards Steve, cock his navy +six-shooter--that prodigious weapon--and hold it straight down against +his leg; told him that _that_ was the correct position for the gun--that +the position ordinarily in use at Virginia City (that is to say, the gun +straight up in the air, then brought slowly down to your man) was all +wrong. At the word "_One_," you must raise the gun slowly and steadily +to the place on the other man's body that you desire to convince. Then, +after a pause, "_two, three--fire--Stop!_" At the word "stop," you may +fire--but not earlier. You may give yourself as much time as you please +_after_ that word. Then, when you fire, you may advance and go on firing +at your leisure and pleasure, if you can get any pleasure out of it. +And, in the meantime, the other man, if he has been properly instructed +and is alive to his privileges, is advancing on _you_, and firing--and +it is always likely that more or less trouble will result. + +Naturally, when Joe's revolver had risen to a level it was pointing at +Steve's breast, but the Major said "No, that is not wise. Take all the +risks of getting murdered yourself, but don't run any risk of murdering +the other man. If you survive a duel you want to survive it in such a +way that the memory of it will not linger along with you through the +rest of your life and interfere with your sleep. Aim at your man's leg; +not at the knee, not above the knee; for those are dangerous spots. Aim +below the knee; cripple him, but leave the rest of him to his mother." + +By grace of these truly wise and excellent instructions, Joe tumbled +Fitch down next morning with a bullet through his lower leg, which +furnished him a permanent limp. And Joe lost nothing but a lock of hair, +which he could spare better then than he could now. For when I saw him +here in New York a year ago, his crop was gone: he had nothing much left +but a fringe, with a dome rising above. + +[Sidenote: (1864.)] + +About a year later I got _my_ chance. But I was not hunting for it. +Goodman went off to San Francisco for a week's holiday, and left me to +be chief editor. I had supposed that that was an easy berth, there being +nothing to do but write one editorial per day; but I was disappointed in +that superstition. I couldn't find anything to write an article about, +the first day. Then it occurred to me that inasmuch as it was the 22nd +of April, 1864, the next morning would be the three-hundredth +anniversary of Shakespeare's birthday--and what better theme could I +want than that? I got the Cyclopædia and examined it, and found out who +Shakespeare was and what he had done, and I borrowed all that and laid +it before a community that couldn't have been better prepared for +instruction about Shakespeare than if they had been prepared by art. +There wasn't enough of what Shakespeare had done to make an editorial of +the necessary length, but I filled it out with what he hadn't +done--which in many respects was more important and striking and +readable than the handsomest things he had really accomplished. But next +day I was in trouble again. There were no more Shakespeares to work up. +There was nothing in past history, or in the world's future +possibilities, to make an editorial out of, suitable to that community; +so there was but one theme left. That theme was Mr. Laird, proprietor of +the Virginia "Union." _His_ editor had gone off to San Francisco too, +and Laird was trying his hand at editing. I woke up Mr. Laird with some +courtesies of the kind that were fashionable among newspaper editors in +that region, and he came back at me the next day in a most vitriolic +way. He was hurt by something I had said about him--some little thing--I +don't remember what it was now--probably called him a horse-thief, or +one of those little phrases customarily used to describe another +editor. They were no doubt just, and accurate, but Laird was a very +sensitive creature, and he didn't like it. So we expected a challenge +from Mr. Laird, because according to the rules--according to the +etiquette of duelling as reconstructed and reorganized and improved by +the duellists of that region--whenever you said a thing about another +person that he didn't like, it wasn't sufficient for him to talk back in +the same offensive spirit: etiquette required him to send a challenge; +so we waited for a challenge--waited all day. It didn't come. And as the +day wore along, hour after hour, and no challenge came, the boys grew +depressed. They lost heart. But I was cheerful; I felt better and better +all the time. They couldn't understand it, but _I_ could understand it. +It was my _make_ that enabled me to be cheerful when other people were +despondent. So then it became necessary for us to waive etiquette and +challenge Mr. Laird. When we reached that decision, they began to cheer +up, but I began to lose some of my animation. However, in enterprises of +this kind you are in the hands of your friends; there is nothing for you +to do but to abide by what they consider to be the best course. Daggett +wrote a challenge for me, for Daggett had the language--the right +language--the convincing language--and I lacked it. Daggett poured out a +stream of unsavory epithets upon Mr. Laird, charged with a vigor and +venom of a strength calculated to persuade him; and Steve Gillis, my +second, carried the challenge and came back to wait for the return. It +didn't come. The boys were exasperated, but I kept my temper. Steve +carried another challenge, hotter than the other, and we waited again. +Nothing came of it. I began to feel quite comfortable. I began to take +an interest in the challenges myself. I had not felt any before; but it +seemed to me that I was accumulating a great and valuable reputation at +no expense, and my delight in this grew and grew, as challenge after +challenge was declined, until by midnight I was beginning to think that +there was nothing in the world so much to be desired as a chance to +fight a duel. So I hurried Daggett up; made him keep on sending +challenge after challenge. Oh, well, I overdid it; Laird accepted. I +might have known that that would happen--Laird was a man you couldn't +depend on. + +The boys were jubilant beyond expression. They helped me make my will, +which was another discomfort--and I already had enough. Then they took +me home. I didn't sleep any--didn't want to sleep. I had plenty of +things to think about, and less than four hours to do it in,--because +five o'clock was the hour appointed for the tragedy, and I should have +to use up one hour--beginning at four--in practising with the revolver +and finding out which end of it to level at the adversary. At four we +went down into a little gorge, about a mile from town, and borrowed a +barn door for a mark--borrowed it of a man who was over in California on +a visit--and we set the barn door up and stood a fence-rail up against +the middle of it, to represent Mr. Laird. But the rail was no proper +representative of him, for he was longer than a rail and thinner. +Nothing would ever fetch him but a line shot, and then as like as not he +would split the bullet--the worst material for duelling purposes that +could be imagined. I began on the rail. I couldn't hit the rail; then I +tried the barn door; but I couldn't hit the barn door. There was nobody +in danger except stragglers around on the flanks of that mark. I was +thoroughly discouraged, and I didn't cheer up any when we presently +heard pistol-shots over in the next little ravine. I knew what that +was--that was Laird's gang out practising him. They would hear my shots, +and of course they would come up over the ridge to see what kind of a +record I was making--see what their chances were against me. Well, I +hadn't any record; and I knew that if Laird came over that ridge and saw +my barn door without a scratch on it, he would be as anxious to fight as +I was--or as I had been at midnight, before that disastrous acceptance +came. + +Now just at this moment, a little bird, no bigger than a sparrow, flew +along by and lit on a sage-bush about thirty yards away. Steve whipped +out his revolver and shot its head off. Oh, he was a marksman--much +better than I was. We ran down there to pick up the bird, and just then, +sure enough, Mr. Laird and his people came over the ridge, and they +joined us. And when Laird's second saw that bird, with its head shot +off, he lost color, he faded, and you could see that he was interested. +He said: + +"Who did that?" + +Before I could answer, Steve spoke up and said quite calmly, and in a +matter-of-fact way, + +"Clemens did it." + +The second said, "Why, that is wonderful. How far off was that bird?" + +Steve said, "Oh, not far--about thirty yards." + +The second said, "Well, that is astonishing shooting. How often can he +do that?" + +Steve said languidly, "Oh, about four times out of five." + +I knew the little rascal was lying, but I didn't say anything. The +second said, "Why, that is _amazing_ shooting; I supposed he couldn't +hit a church." + +He was supposing very sagaciously, but I didn't say anything. Well, they +said good morning. The second took Mr. Laird home, a little tottery on +his legs, and Laird sent back a note in his own hand declining to fight +a duel with me on any terms whatever. + +Well, my life was saved--saved by that accident. I don't know what the +bird thought about that interposition of Providence, but I felt very, +very comfortable over it--satisfied and content. Now, we found out, +later, that Laird had _hit_ his mark four times out of six, right along. +If the duel had come off, he would have so filled my skin with +bullet-holes that it wouldn't have held my principles. + +By breakfast-time the news was all over town that I had sent a challenge +and Steve Gillis had carried it. Now that would entitle us to two years +apiece in the penitentiary, according to the brand-new law. Judge North +sent us no message as coming from himself, but a message _came_ from a +close friend of his. He said it would be a good idea for us to leave the +territory by the first stage-coach. This would sail next morning, at +four o'clock--and in the meantime we would be searched for, but not with +avidity; and if we were in the Territory after that stage-coach left, we +would be the first victims of the new law. Judge North was anxious to +have some object-lessons for that law, and he would absolutely keep us +in the prison the full two years. + +Well, it seemed to me that our society was no longer desirable in +Nevada; so we stayed in our quarters and observed proper caution all +day--except that once Steve went over to the hotel to attend to another +customer of mine. That was a Mr. Cutler. You see Laird was not the only +person whom I had tried to reform during my occupancy of the editorial +chair. I had looked around and selected several other people, and +delivered a new zest of life into them through warm criticism and +disapproval--so that when I laid down my editorial pen I had four +horse-whippings and two duels owing to me. We didn't care for the +horse-whippings; there was no glory in them; they were not worth the +trouble of collecting. But honor required that some notice should be +taken of that other duel. Mr. Cutler had come up from Carson City, and +had sent a man over with a challenge from the hotel. Steve went over to +pacify him. Steve weighed only ninety-five pounds, but it was well known +throughout the territory that with his fists he could whip anybody that +walked on two legs, let his weight and science be what they might. Steve +was a Gillis, and when a Gillis confronted a man and had a proposition +to make, the proposition always contained business. When Cutler found +that Steve was my second he cooled down; he became calm and rational, +and was ready to listen. Steve gave him fifteen minutes to get out of +the hotel, and half an hour to get out of town or there would be +results. So _that_ duel went off successfully, because Mr. Cutler +immediately left for Carson a convinced and reformed man. + +I have never had anything to do with duels since. I thoroughly +disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise, and I know they are +dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now, I would go to +that man and take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to +a quiet retired spot, and _kill_ him. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCVI. + +JANUARY 4, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--IX. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[_Dictated December 13, 1906._] As regards the coming American monarchy. +It was before the Secretary of State had been heard from that the +chairman of the banquet said: + +"In this time of unrest it is of great satisfaction that such a man as +you, Mr. Root, is chief adviser of the President." + +Mr. Root then got up and in the most quiet and orderly manner touched +off the successor to the San Francisco earthquake. As a result, the +several State governments were well shaken up and considerably weakened. +Mr. Root was prophesying. He was prophesying, and it seems to me that no +shrewder and surer forecasting has been done in this country for a good +many years. + +He did not say, in so many words, that we are proceeding, in a steady +march, toward eventual and unavoidable replacement of the republic by +monarchy; but I suppose he was aware that that is the case. He notes the +several steps, the customary steps, which in all the ages have led to +the consolidation of loose and scattered governmental forces into +formidable centralizations of authority; but he stops there, and doesn't +add up the sum. He is not unaware that heretofore the sum has been +ultimate monarchy, and that the same figures can fairly be depended upon +to furnish the same sum whenever and wherever they can be produced, so +long as human nature shall remain as it is; but it was not needful that +he do the adding, since any one can do it; neither would it have been +gracious in him to do it. + +In observing the changed conditions which in the course of time have +made certain and sure the eventual seizure by the Washington government +of a number of State duties and prerogatives which have been betrayed +and neglected by the several States, he does not attribute those changes +and the vast results which are to flow from them to any thought-out +policy of any party or of any body of dreamers or schemers, but properly +and rightly attributes them to that stupendous power--_Circumstance_-- +which moves by laws of its own, regardless of parties and policies, and +whose decrees are final, and must be obeyed by all--and will be. The +railway is a Circumstance, the steamship is a Circumstance, the +telegraph is a Circumstance. They were mere happenings; and to the whole +world, the wise and the foolish alike, they were entirely trivial, +wholly inconsequential; indeed silly, comical, grotesque. No man, and no +party, and no thought-out policy said, "Behold, we will build railways +and steamships and telegraphs, and presently you will see the condition +and way of life of every man and woman and child in the nation totally +changed; unimaginable changes of law and custom will follow, in spite of +anything that anybody can do to prevent it." + +The changed conditions have come, and Circumstance knows what is +following, and will follow. So does Mr. Root. His language is not +unclear, it is crystal: + + + "Our whole life has swung away from the old State centres, and is + crystallizing about national centres." + + " ... The old barriers which kept the States as separate + communities are completely lost from sight." + + " ... That [State] power of regulation and control is gradually + passing into the hands of the national government." + + "Sometimes by an assertion of the inter-State commerce power, + sometimes by an assertion of the taxing power, the national + government is taking up the performance of duties which under the + changed conditions the separate States are no longer capable of + adequately performing." + + "We are urging forward in a development of business and social life + which tends more and more to the obliteration of State lines and + the decrease of State power as compared with national power." + + "It is useless for the advocates of State rights to inveigh against + ... the extension of national authority in the fields of necessary + control where the States themselves fail in the performance of + their duty." + + +He is not announcing a policy; he is not forecasting what a party of +planners will bring about; he is merely telling what the people will +require and compel. And he could have added--which would be perfectly +true--that the people will not be moved to it by speculation and +cogitation and planning, but by _Circumstance_--that power which +arbitrarily compels all their actions, and over which they have not the +slightest control. + +_"The end is not yet."_ + +It is a true word. We are on the march, but at present we are only just +getting started. + +If the States continue to fail to do their duty as required by the +people-- + +" ... _constructions of the Constitution will be found_ to vest the +power where it will be exercised--in the national government." + +I do not know whether that has a sinister meaning or not, and so I will +not enlarge upon it lest I should chance to be in the wrong. It sounds +like ship-money come again, but it may not be so intended. + + +Human nature being what it is, I suppose we must expect to drift into +monarchy by and by. It is a saddening thought, but we cannot change our +nature: we are all alike, we human beings; and in our blood and bone, +and ineradicable, we carry the seeds out of which monarchies and +aristocracies are grown: worship of gauds, titles, distinctions, power. +We have to worship these things and their possessors, we are all born +so, and we cannot help it. We have to be despised by somebody whom we +regard as above us, or we are not happy; we have to have somebody to +worship and envy, or we cannot be content. In America we manifest this +in all the ancient and customary ways. In public we scoff at titles and +hereditary privilege, but privately we hanker after them, and when we +get a chance we buy them for cash and a daughter. Sometimes we get a +good man and worth the price, but we are ready to take him anyway, +whether he be ripe or rotten, whether he be clean and decent, or merely +a basket of noble and sacred and long-descended offal. And when we get +him the whole nation publicly chaffs and scoffs--and privately envies; +and also is proud of the honor which has been conferred upon us. We run +over our list of titled purchases every now and then, in the newspapers, +and discuss them and caress them, and are thankful and happy. + +Like all the other nations, we worship money and the possessors of +it--they being our aristocracy, and we have to have one. We like to read +about rich people in the papers; the papers know it, and they do their +best to keep this appetite liberally fed. They even leave out a football +bull-fight now and then to get room for all the particulars of +how--according to the display heading--"Rich Woman Fell Down Cellar--Not +Hurt." The falling down the cellar is of no interest to us when the +woman is not rich, but no rich woman can fall down cellar and we not +yearn to know all about it and wish it was us. + +In a monarchy the people willingly and rejoicingly revere and take pride +in their nobilities, and are not humiliated by the reflection that this +humble and hearty homage gets no return but contempt. Contempt does not +shame them, they are used to it, and they recognize that it is their +proper due. We are all made like that. In Europe we easily and quickly +learn to take that attitude toward the sovereigns and the aristocracies; +moreover, it has been observed that when we get the attitude we go on +and exaggerate it, presently becoming more servile than the natives, and +vainer of it. The next step is to rail and scoff at republics and +democracies. All of which is natural, for we have not ceased to be human +beings by becoming Americans, and the human race was always intended to +be governed by kingship, not by popular vote. + +I suppose we must expect that unavoidable and irresistible Circumstances +will gradually take away the powers of the States and concentrate them +in the central government, and that the republic will then repeat the +history of all time and become a monarchy; but I believe that if we +obstruct these encroachments and steadily resist them the monarchy can +be postponed for a good while yet. + +[Sidenote: (1849-'51.)] + +[_Dictated December 1, 1906._] An exciting event in our village +(Hannibal) was the arrival of the mesmerizer. I think the year was 1850. +As to that I am not sure, but I know the month--it was May; that detail +has survived the wear of fifty-five years. A pair of connected little +incidents of that month have served to keep the memory of it green for +me all this time; incidents of no consequence, and not worth embalming, +yet my memory has preserved them carefully and flung away things of real +value to give them space and make them comfortable. The truth is, a +person's memory has no more sense than his conscience, and no +appreciation whatever of values and proportions. However, never mind +those trifling incidents; my subject is the mesmerizer, now. + +He advertised his show, and promised marvels. Admission as usual: 25 +cents, children and negroes half price. The village had heard of +mesmerism, in a general way, but had not encountered it yet. Not many +people attended, the first night, but next day they had so many wonders +to tell that everybody's curiosity was fired, and after that for a +fortnight the magician had prosperous times. I was fourteen or fifteen +years old--the age at which a boy is willing to endure all things, +suffer all things, short of death by fire, if thereby he may be +conspicuous and show off before the public; and so, when I saw the +"subjects" perform their foolish antics on the platform and make the +people laugh and shout and admire, I had a burning desire to be a +subject myself. Every night, for three nights, I sat in the row of +candidates on the platform, and held the magic disk in the palm of my +hand, and gazed at it and tried to get sleepy, but it was a failure; I +remained wide awake, and had to retire defeated, like the majority. +Also, I had to sit there and be gnawed with envy of Hicks, our +journeyman; I had to sit there and see him scamper and jump when Simmons +the enchanter exclaimed, "See the snake! see the snake!" and hear him +say, "My, how beautiful!" in response to the suggestion that he was +observing a splendid sunset; and so on--the whole insane business. I +couldn't laugh, I couldn't applaud; it filled me with bitterness to have +others do it, and to have people make a hero of Hicks, and crowd around +him when the show was over, and ask him for more and more particulars of +the wonders he had seen in his visions, and manifest in many ways that +they were proud to be acquainted with him. Hicks--the idea! I couldn't +stand it; I was getting boiled to death in my own bile. + +On the fourth night temptation came, and I was not strong enough to +resist. When I had gazed at the disk awhile I pretended to be sleepy, +and began to nod. Straightway came the professor and made passes over my +head and down my body and legs and arms, finishing each pass with a snap +of his fingers in the air, to discharge the surplus electricity; then he +began to "draw" me with the disk, holding it in his fingers and telling +me I could not take my eyes off it, try as I might; so I rose slowly, +bent and gazing, and followed that disk all over the place, just as I +had seen the others do. Then I was put through the other paces. Upon +suggestion I fled from snakes; passed buckets at a fire; became excited +over hot steamboat-races; made love to imaginary girls and kissed them; +fished from the platform and landed mud-cats that outweighed me--and so +on, all the customary marvels. But not in the customary way. I was +cautious at first, and watchful, being afraid the professor would +discover that I was an impostor and drive me from the platform in +disgrace; but as soon as I realized that I was not in danger, I set +myself the task of terminating Hicks's usefulness as a subject, and of +usurping his place. + +It was a sufficiently easy task. Hicks was born honest; I, without that +incumbrance--so some people said. Hicks saw what he saw, and reported +accordingly; I saw more than was visible, and added to it such details +as could help. Hicks had no imagination, I had a double supply. He was +born calm, I was born excited. No vision could start a rapture in him, +and he was constipated as to language, anyway; but if I saw a vision I +emptied the dictionary onto it and lost the remnant of my mind into the +bargain. + +At the end of my first half-hour Hicks was a thing of the past, a fallen +hero, a broken idol, and I knew it and was glad, and said in my heart, +Success to crime! Hicks could never have been mesmerized to the point +where he could kiss an imaginary girl in public, or a real one either, +but I was competent. Whatever Hicks had failed in, I made it a point to +succeed in, let the cost be what it might, physically or morally. He +had shown several bad defects, and I had made a note of them. For +instance, if the magician asked, "What do you see?" and left him to +invent a vision for himself, Hicks was dumb and blind, he couldn't see a +thing nor say a word, whereas the magician soon found that when it came +to seeing visions of a stunning and marketable sort I could get along +better without his help than with it. Then there was another thing: +Hicks wasn't worth a tallow dip on mute mental suggestion. Whenever +Simmons stood behind him and gazed at the back of his skull and tried to +drive a mental suggestion into it, Hicks sat with vacant face, and never +suspected. If he had been noticing, he could have seen by the rapt faces +of the audience that something was going on behind his back that +required a response. Inasmuch as I was an impostor I dreaded to have +this test put upon me, for I knew the professor would be "willing" me to +do something, and as I couldn't know what it was, I should be exposed +and denounced. However, when my time came, I took my chance. I perceived +by the tense and expectant faces of the people that Simmons was behind +me willing me with all his might. I tried my best to imagine what he +wanted, but nothing suggested itself. I felt ashamed and miserable, +then. I believed that the hour of my disgrace was come, and that in +another moment I should go out of that place disgraced. I ought to be +ashamed to confess it, but my next thought was, not how I could win the +compassion of kindly hearts by going out humbly and in sorrow for my +misdoings, but how I could go out most sensationally and spectacularly. + +There was a rusty and empty old revolver lying on the table, among the +"properties" employed in the performances. On May-day, two or three +weeks before, there had been a celebration by the schools, and I had had +a quarrel with a big boy who was the school-bully, and I had not come +out of it with credit. That boy was now seated in the middle of the +house, half-way down the main aisle. I crept stealthily and impressively +toward the table, with a dark and murderous scowl on my face, copied +from a popular romance, seized the revolver suddenly, flourished it, +shouted the bully's name, jumped off the platform, and made a rush for +him and chased him out of the house before the paralyzed people could +interfere to save him. There was a storm of applause, and the magician, +addressing the house, said, most impressively-- + +"That you may know how really remarkable this is, and how wonderfully +developed a subject we have in this boy, I assure you that without a +single spoken word to guide him he has carried out what I mentally +commanded him to do, to the minutest detail. I could have stopped him at +a moment in his vengeful career by a mere exertion of my will, therefore +the poor fellow who has escaped was at no time in danger." + +So I was not in disgrace. I returned to the platform a hero, and happier +than I have ever been in this world since. As regards mental suggestion, +my fears of it were gone. I judged that in case I failed to guess what +the professor might be willing me to do, I could count on putting up +something that would answer just as well. I was right, and exhibitions +of unspoken suggestion became a favorite with the public. Whenever I +perceived that I was being willed to do something I got up and did +something--anything that occurred to me--and the magician, not being a +fool, always ratified it. When people asked me, "How _can_ you tell what +he is willing you to do?" I said, "It's just as easy," and they always +said, admiringly, "Well it beats _me_ how you can do it." + +Hicks was weak in another detail. When the professor made passes over +him and said "his whole body is without sensation now--come forward and +test him, ladies and gentlemen," the ladies and gentlemen always +complied eagerly, and stuck pins into Hicks, and if they went deep Hicks +was sure to wince, then that poor professor would have to explain that +Hicks "wasn't sufficiently under the influence." But I didn't wince; I +only suffered, and shed tears on the inside. The miseries that a +conceited boy will endure to keep up his "reputation"! And so will a +conceited man; I know it in my own person, and have seen it in a hundred +thousand others. That professor ought to have protected me, and I often +hoped he would, when the tests were unusually severe, but he didn't. It +may be that he was deceived as well as the others, though I did not +believe it nor think it possible. Those were dear good people, but they +must have carried simplicity and credulity to the limit. They would +stick a pin in my arm and bear on it until they drove it a third of its +length in, and then be lost in wonder that by a mere exercise of +will-power the professor could turn my arm to iron and make it +insensible to pain. Whereas it was not insensible at all; I was +suffering agonies of pain. + +After that fourth night, that proud night, that triumphant night, I was +the only subject. Simmons invited no more candidates to the platform. I +performed alone, every night, the rest of the fortnight. In the +beginning of the second week I conquered the last doubters. Up to that +time a dozen wise old heads, the intellectual aristocracy of the town, +had held out, as implacable unbelievers. I was as hurt by this as if I +were engaged in some honest occupation. There is nothing surprising +about this. Human beings feel dishonor the most, sometimes, when they +most deserve it. That handful of overwise old gentlemen kept on shaking +their heads all the first week, and saying they had seen no marvels +there that could not have been produced by collusion; and they were +pretty vain of their unbelief, too, and liked to show it and air it, and +be superior to the ignorant and the gullible. Particularly old Dr. +Peake, who was the ringleader of the irreconcilables, and very +formidable; for he was an F.F.V., he was learned, white-haired and +venerable, nobly and richly clad in the fashions of an earlier and a +courtlier day, he was large and stately, and he not only seemed wise, +but was what he seemed, in that regard. He had great influence, and his +opinion upon any matter was worth much more than that of any other +person in the community. When I conquered him, at last, I knew I was +undisputed master of the field; and now, after more than fifty years, I +acknowledge, with a few dry old tears, that I rejoiced without shame. + + +[Sidenote: (1847.)] + +[_Dictated December 2, 1906._] In 1847 we were living in a large white +house on the corner of Hill and Main Streets--a house that still stands, +but isn't large now, although it hasn't lost a plank; I saw it a year +ago and noticed that shrinkage. My father died in it in March of the +year mentioned, but our family did not move out of it until some months +afterward. Ours was not the only family in the house, there was +another--Dr. Grant's. One day Dr. Grant and Dr. Reyburn argued a matter +on the street with sword-canes, and Grant was brought home +multifariously punctured. Old Dr. Peake calked the leaks, and came every +day for a while, to look after him. The Grants were Virginians, like +Peake, and one day when Grant was getting well enough to be on his feet +and sit around in the parlor and talk, the conversation fell upon +Virginia and old times. I was present, but the group were probably quite +unconscious of me, I being only a lad and a negligible quantity. Two of +the group--Dr. Peake and Mrs. Crawford, Mrs. Grant's mother--had been of +the audience when the Richmond theatre burned down, thirty-six years +before, and they talked over the frightful details of that memorable +tragedy. These were eye-witnesses, and with their eyes I saw it all with +an intolerable vividness: I saw the black smoke rolling and tumbling +toward the sky, I saw the flames burst through it and turn red, I heard +the shrieks of the despairing, I glimpsed their faces at the windows, +caught fitfully through the veiling smoke, I saw them jump to their +death, or to mutilation worse than death. The picture is before me yet, +and can never fade. + +In due course they talked of the colonial mansion of the Peakes, with +its stately columns and its spacious grounds, and by odds and ends I +picked up a clearly defined idea of the place. I was strongly +interested, for I had not before heard of such palatial things from the +lips of people who had seen them with their own eyes. One detail, +casually dropped, hit my imagination hard. In the wall, by the great +front door, there was a round hole as big as a saucer--a British +cannon-ball had made it, in the war of the Revolution. It was +breath-taking; it made history real; history had never been real to me +before. + +Very well, three or four years later, as already mentioned, I was +king-bee and sole "subject" in the mesmeric show; it was the beginning +of the second week; the performance was half over; just then the +majestic Dr. Peake, with his ruffled bosom and wristbands and his +gold-headed cane, entered, and a deferential citizen vacated his seat +beside the Grants and made the great chief take it. This happened while +I was trying to invent something fresh in the way of a vision, in +response to the professor's remark-- + +"Concentrate your powers. Look--look attentively. There--don't you see +something? Concentrate--concentrate. Now then--describe it." + +Without suspecting it, Dr. Peake, by entering the place, had reminded me +of the talk of three years before. He had also furnished me capital and +was become my confederate, an accomplice in my frauds. I began on a +vision, a vague and dim one (that was part of the game at the beginning +of a vision; it isn't best to see it too clearly at first, it might look +as if you had come loaded with it). The vision developed, by degrees, +and gathered swing, momentum, energy. It was the Richmond fire. Dr. +Peake was cold, at first, and his fine face had a trace of polite scorn +in it; but when he began to recognize that fire, that expression +changed, and his eyes began to light up. As soon as I saw that, I threw +the valves wide open and turned on all the steam, and gave those people +a supper of fire and horrors that was calculated to last them one while! +They couldn't gasp, when I got through--they were petrified. Dr. Peake +had risen, and was standing,--and breathing hard. He said, in a great +voice-- + +"My doubts are ended. No collusion could produce that miracle. It was +totally impossible for him to know those details, yet he has described +them with the clarity of an eye-witness--and with what unassailable +truthfulness God knows I know!" + +I saved the colonial mansion for the last night, and solidified and +perpetuated Dr. Peake's conversion with the cannon-ball hole. He +explained to the house that I could never have heard of that small +detail, which differentiated this mansion from all other Virginian +mansions and perfectly identified it, therefore the fact stood proven +that I had _seen_ it in my vision. Lawks! + +It is curious. When the magician's engagement closed there was but one +person in the village who did not believe in mesmerism, and I was the +one. All the others were converted, but I was to remain an implacable +and unpersuadable disbeliever in mesmerism and hypnotism for close upon +fifty years. This was because I never would examine them, in after life. +I couldn't. The subject revolted me. Perhaps because it brought back to +me a passage in my life which for pride's sake I wished to forget; +though I thought--or persuaded myself I thought--I should never come +across a "proof" which wasn't thin and cheap, and probably had a fraud +like me behind it. + +The truth is, I did not have to wait long to get tired of my triumphs. +Not thirty days, I think. The glory which is built upon a lie soon +becomes a most unpleasant incumbrance. No doubt for a while I enjoyed +having my exploits told and retold and told again in my presence and +wondered over and exclaimed about, but I quite distinctly remember that +there presently came a time when the subject was wearisome and odious to +me and I could not endure the disgusting discomfort of it. I am well +aware that the world-glorified doer of a deed of great and real splendor +has just my experience; I know that he deliciously enjoys hearing about +it for three or four weeks, and that pretty soon after that he begins to +dread the mention of it, and by and by wishes he had been with the +damned before he ever thought of doing that deed; I remember how General +Sherman used to rage and swear over "When we were Marching through +Georgia," which was played at him and sung at him everywhere he went; +still, I think I suffered a shade more than the legitimate hero does, he +being privileged to soften his misery with the reflection that his glory +was at any rate golden and reproachless in its origin, whereas I had no +such privilege, there being no possible way to make mine respectable. + +How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and how hard it is to undo +that work again! Thirty-five years after those evil exploits of mine I +visited my old mother, whom I had not seen for ten years; and being +moved by what seemed to me a rather noble and perhaps heroic impulse, I +thought I would humble myself and confess my ancient fault. It cost me a +great effort to make up my mind; I dreaded the sorrow that would rise in +her face, and the shame that would look out of her eyes; but after long +and troubled reflection, the sacrifice seemed due and right, and I +gathered my resolution together and made the confession. + +To my astonishment there were no sentimentalities, no dramatics, no +George Washington effects; she was not moved in the least degree; she +simply did not believe me, and said so! I was not merely disappointed, I +was nettled, to have my costly truthfulness flung out of the market in +this placid and confident way when I was expecting to get a profit out +of it. I asserted, and reasserted, with rising heat, my statement that +every single thing I had done on those long-vanished nights was a lie +and a swindle; and when she shook her head tranquilly and said she knew +better, I put up my hand and _swore_ to it--adding a triumphant "_Now_ +what do you say?" + +It did not affect her at all; it did not budge her the fraction of an +inch from her position. If this was hard for me to endure, it did not +begin with the blister she put upon the raw when she began to put my +sworn oath out of court with _arguments_ to prove that I was under a +delusion and did not know what I was talking about. Arguments! Arguments +to show that a person on a man's outside can know better what is on his +inside than he does himself! I had cherished some contempt for arguments +before, I have not enlarged my respect for them since. She refused to +believe that I had invented my visions myself; she said it was folly: +that I was only a child at the time and could not have done it. She +cited the Richmond fire and the colonial mansion and said they were +quite beyond my capacities. Then I saw my chance! I said she was +right--I didn't invent those, I got them from Dr. Peake. Even this great +shot did no damage. She said Dr. Peake's evidence was better than mine, +and he had said in plain words that it was impossible for me to have +heard about those things. Dear, dear, what a grotesque and unthinkable +situation: a confessed swindler convicted of honesty and condemned to +acquittal by circumstantial evidence furnished by the swindled! + +I realised, with shame and with impotent vexation, that I was defeated +all along the line. I had but one card left, but it was a formidable +one. I played it--and stood from under. It seemed ignoble to demolish +her fortress, after she had defended it so valiantly; but the defeated +know not mercy. I played that matter card. It was the pin-sticking. I +said, solemnly-- + +"I give you my honor, a pin was never stuck into me without causing me +cruel pain." + +She only said-- + +"It is thirty-five years. I believe you do think that, _now_, but I was +there, and I know better. You never winced." + +She was so calm! and I was so far from it, so nearly frantic. + +"Oh, my goodness!" I said, "let me _show_ you that I am speaking the +truth. Here is my arm; drive a pin into it--drive it to the head--I +shall not wince." + +She only shook her gray head and said, with simplicity and conviction-- + +"You are a man, now, and could dissemble the hurt; but you were only a +child then, and could not have done it." + +And so the lie which I played upon her in my youth remained with her as +an unchallengeable truth to the day of her death. Carlyle said "a lie +cannot live." It shows that he did not know how to tell them. If I had +taken out a life policy on this one the premiums would have bankrupted +me ages ago. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCVII. + +JANUARY 18, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--X. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1825.)] + +[Sidenote: (1837.)] + +[_Dictated March 28, 1906._] Orion Clemens was born in Jamestown, +Fentress County, Tennessee, in 1825. He was the family's first-born, and +antedated me ten years. Between him and me came a sister, Margaret, who +died, aged ten, in 1837, in that village of Florida, Missouri, where I +was born; and Pamela, mother of Samuel E. Moffett, who was an invalid +all her life and died in the neighborhood of New York a year ago, aged +about seventy-five. Her character was without blemish, and she was of a +most kindly and gentle disposition. Also there was a brother, Benjamin, +who died in 1848 aged ten or twelve. + +[Sidenote: (1843.)] + +Orion's boyhood was spent in that wee little log hamlet of Jamestown up +there among the "knobs"--so called--of East Tennessee. The family +migrated to Florida, Missouri, then moved to Hannibal, Missouri, when +Orion was twelve and a half years old. When he was fifteen or sixteen he +was sent to St. Louis and there he learned the printer's trade. One of +his characteristics was eagerness. He woke with an eagerness about some +matter or other every morning; it consumed him all day; it perished in +the night and he was on fire with a fresh new interest next morning +before he could get his clothes on. He exploited in this way three +hundred and sixty-five red-hot new eagernesses every year of his life. +But I am forgetting another characteristic, a very pronounced one. That +was his deep glooms, his despondencies, his despairs; these had their +place in each and every day along with the eagernesses. Thus his day was +divided--no, not divided, mottled--from sunrise to midnight with +alternating brilliant sunshine and black cloud. Every day he was the +most joyous and hopeful man that ever was, I think, and also every day +he was the most miserable man that ever was. + +While he was in his apprenticeship in St. Louis, he got well acquainted +with Edward Bates, who was afterwards in Mr. Lincoln's first cabinet. +Bates was a very fine man, an honorable and upright man, and a +distinguished lawyer. He patiently allowed Orion to bring to him each +new project; he discussed it with him and extinguished it by argument +and irresistible logic--at first. But after a few weeks he found that +this labor was not necessary; that he could leave the new project alone +and it would extinguish itself the same night. Orion thought he would +like to become a lawyer. Mr. Bates encouraged him, and he studied law +nearly a week, then of course laid it aside to try something new. He +wanted to become an orator. Mr. Bates gave him lessons. Mr. Bates walked +the floor reading from an English book aloud and rapidly turning the +English into French, and he recommended this exercise to Orion. But as +Orion knew no French, he took up that study and wrought at it like a +volcano for two or three days; then gave it up. During his +apprenticeship in St. Louis he joined a number of churches, one after +another, and taught in their Sunday-schools--changing his Sunday-school +every time he changed his religion. He was correspondingly erratic in +his politics--Whig to-day, Democrat next week, and anything fresh that +he could find in the political market the week after. I may remark here +that throughout his long life he was always trading religions and +enjoying the change of scenery. I will also remark that his sincerity +was never doubted; his truthfulness was never doubted; and in matters of +business and money his honesty was never questioned. Notwithstanding his +forever-recurring caprices and changes, his principles were high, always +high, and absolutely unshakable. He was the strangest compound that ever +got mixed in a human mould. Such a person as that is given to acting +upon impulse and without reflection; that was Orion's way. Everything he +did he did with conviction and enthusiasm and with a vainglorious pride +in the thing he was doing--and no matter what that thing was, whether +good, bad or indifferent, he repented of it every time in sackcloth and +ashes before twenty-four hours had sped. Pessimists are born, not made. +Optimists are born, not made. But I think he was the only person I have +ever known in whom pessimism and optimism were lodged in exactly equal +proportions. Except in the matter of grounded principle, he was as +unstable as water. You could dash his spirits with a single word; you +could raise them into the sky again with another one. You could break +his heart with a word of disapproval; you could make him as happy as an +angel with a word of approval. And there was no occasion to put any +sense or any vestige of mentality of any kind into these miracles; +anything you might say would answer. + +He had another conspicuous characteristic, and it was the father of +those which I have just spoken of. This was an intense lust for +approval. He was so eager to be approved, so girlishly anxious to be +approved by anybody and everybody, without discrimination, that he was +commonly ready to forsake his notions, opinions and convictions at a +moment's notice in order to get the approval of any person who disagreed +with them. I wish to be understood as reserving his fundamental +principles all the time. He never forsook those to please anybody. Born +and reared among slaves and slaveholders, he was yet an abolitionist +from his boyhood to his death. He was always truthful; he was always +sincere; he was always honest and honorable. But in light +matters--matters of small consequence, like religion and politics and +such things--he never acquired a conviction that could survive a +disapproving remark from a cat. + +He was always dreaming; he was a dreamer from birth, and this +characteristic got him into trouble now and then. + +Once when he was twenty-three or twenty-four years old, and was become a +journeyman, he conceived the romantic idea of coming to Hannibal without +giving us notice, in order that he might furnish to the family a +pleasant surprise. If he had given notice, he would have been informed +that we had changed our residence and that that gruff old bass-voiced +sailorman, Dr. G., our family physician, was living in the house which +we had formerly occupied and that Orion's former room in that house was +now occupied by Dr. G.'s two middle-aged maiden sisters. Orion arrived +at Hannibal per steamboat in the middle of the night, and started with +his customary eagerness on his excursion, his mind all on fire with his +romantic project and building and enjoying his surprise in advance. He +was always enjoying things in advance; it was the make of him. He never +could wait for the event, but must build it out of dream-stuff and enjoy +it beforehand--consequently sometimes when the event happened he saw +that it was not as good as the one he had invented in his imagination, +and so he had lost profit by not keeping the imaginary one and letting +the reality go. + +When he arrived at the house he went around to the back door and slipped +off his boots and crept up-stairs and arrived at the room of those +elderly ladies without having wakened any sleepers. He undressed in the +dark and got into bed and snuggled up against somebody. He was a little +surprised, but not much--for he thought it was our brother Ben. It was +winter, and the bed was comfortable, and the supposed Ben added to the +comfort--and so he was dropping off to sleep very well satisfied with +his progress so far and full of happy dreams of what was going to happen +in the morning. But something else was going to happen sooner than that, +and it happened now. The maid that was being crowded fumed and fretted +and struggled and presently came to a half-waking condition and +protested against the crowding. That voice paralyzed Orion. He couldn't +move a limb; he couldn't get his breath; and the crowded one discovered +his new whiskers and began to scream. This removed the paralysis, and +Orion was out of bed and clawing round in the dark for his clothes in a +fraction of a second. Both maids began to scream then, so Orion did not +wait to get his whole wardrobe. He started with such parts of it as he +could grab. He flew to the head of the stairs and started down, and was +paralyzed again at that point, because he saw the faint yellow flame of +a candle soaring up the stairs from below and he judged that Dr. G. was +behind it, and he was. He had no clothes on to speak of, but no matter, +he was well enough fixed for an occasion like this, because he had a +butcher-knife in his hand. Orion shouted to him, and this saved his +life, for the Doctor recognized his voice. Then in those deep-sea-going +bass tones of his that I used to admire so much when I was a little boy, +he explained to Orion the change that had been made, told him where to +find the Clemens family, and closed with some quite unnecessary advice +about posting himself before he undertook another adventure like +that--advice which Orion probably never needed again as long as he +lived. + +One bitter December night, Orion sat up reading until three o'clock in +the morning and then, without looking at a clock, sallied forth to call +on a young lady. He hammered and hammered at the door; couldn't get any +response; didn't understand it. Anybody else would have regarded that as +an indication of some kind or other and would have drawn inferences and +gone home. But Orion didn't draw inferences, he merely hammered and +hammered, and finally the father of the girl appeared at the door in a +dressing-gown. He had a candle in his hand and the dressing-gown was all +the clothing he had on--except an expression of unwelcome which was so +thick and so large that it extended all down his front to his instep and +nearly obliterated the dressing-gown. But Orion didn't notice that this +was an unpleasant expression. He merely walked in. The old gentleman +took him into the parlor, set the candle on a table, and stood. Orion +made the usual remarks about the weather, and sat down--sat down and +talked and talked and went on talking--that old man looking at him +vindictively and waiting for his chance--waiting treacherously and +malignantly for his chance. Orion had not asked for the young lady. It +was not customary. It was understood that a young fellow came to see the +girl of the house, not the founder of it. At last Orion got up and made +some remark to the effect that probably the young lady was busy and he +would go now and call again. That was the old man's chance, and he said +with fervency "Why good land, aren't you going to stop to breakfast?" + + +Orion did not come to Hannibal until two or three years after my +father's death. Meantime he remained in St Louis. He was a journeyman +printer and earning wages. Out of his wage he supported my mother and my +brother Henry, who was two years younger than I. My sister Pamela helped +in this support by taking piano pupils. Thus we got along, but it was +pretty hard sledding. I was not one of the burdens, because I was taken +from school at once, upon my father's death, and placed in the office of +the Hannibal "Courier," as printer's apprentice, and Mr. S., the editor +and proprietor of the paper, allowed me the usual emolument of the +office of apprentice--that is to say board and clothes, but no money. +The clothes consisted of two suits a year, but one of the suits always +failed to materialize and the other suit was not purchased so long as +Mr. S.'s old clothes held out. I was only about half as big as Mr. S., +consequently his shirts gave me the uncomfortable sense of living in a +circus tent, and I had to turn up his pants to my ears to make them +short enough. + +There were two other apprentices. One was Steve Wilkins, seventeen or +eighteen years old and a giant. When he was in Mr. S.'s clothes they +fitted him as the candle-mould fits the candle--thus he was generally in +a suffocated condition, particularly in the summer-time. He was a +reckless, hilarious, admirable creature; he had no principles, and was +delightful company. At first we three apprentices had to feed in the +kitchen with the old slave cook and her very handsome and bright and +well-behaved young mulatto daughter. For his own amusement--for he was +not generally laboring for other people's amusement--Steve was +constantly and persistently and loudly and elaborately making love to +that mulatto girl and distressing the life out of her and worrying the +old mother to death. She would say, "Now, Marse Steve, Marse Steve, +can't you behave yourself?" With encouragement like that, Steve would +naturally renew his attentions and emphasize them. It was killingly +funny to Ralph and me. And, to speak truly, the old mother's distress +about it was merely a pretence. She quite well understood that by the +customs of slaveholding communities it was Steve's right to make love to +that girl if he wanted to. But the girl's distress was very real. She +had a refined nature, and she took all Steve's extravagant love-making +in resentful earnest. + +We got but little variety in the way of food at that kitchen table, and +there wasn't enough of it anyway. So we apprentices used to keep alive +by arts of our own--that is to say, we crept into the cellar nearly +every night, by a private entrance which we had discovered, and we +robbed the cellar of potatoes and onions and such things, and carried +them down-town to the printing-office, where we slept on pallets on the +floor, and cooked them at the stove and had very good times. + +As I have indicated, Mr. S.'s economies were of a pretty close and rigid +kind. By and by, when we apprentices were promoted from the basement to +the ground floor and allowed to sit at the family table, along with the +one journeyman, Harry H., the economies continued. Mrs. S. was a bride. +She had attained to that distinction very recently, after waiting a good +part of a lifetime for it, and she was the right woman in the right +place, according to the economics of the place, for she did not trust +the sugar-bowl to us, but sweetened our coffee herself. That is, she +went through the motions. She didn't really sweeten it. She seemed to +put one heaping teaspoonful of brown sugar into each cup, but, according +to Steve, that was a deceit. He said she dipped the spoon in the coffee +first to make the sugar stick, and then scooped the sugar out of the +bowl with the spoon upside down, so that the effect to the eye was a +heaped-up spoon, whereas the sugar on it was nothing but a layer. This +all seems perfectly true to me, and yet that thing would be so difficult +to perform that I suppose it really didn't happen, but was one of +Steve's lies. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCVIII. + +FEBRUARY 1, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XI. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1850.)] + +[_Dictated March 28th, 1906._] About 1849 or 1850 Orion severed his +connection with the printing-house in St. Louis and came up to Hannibal, +and bought a weekly paper called the Hannibal "Journal," together with +its plant and its good-will, for the sum of five hundred dollars cash. +He borrowed the cash at ten per cent. interest, from an old farmer named +Johnson who lived five miles out of town. Then he reduced the +subscription price of the paper from two dollars to one dollar. He +reduced the rates for advertising in about the same proportion, and +thus he created one absolute and unassailable certainty--to wit: that +the business would never pay him a single cent of profit. He took me out +of the "Courier" office and engaged my services in his own at three +dollars and a half a week, which was an extravagant wage, but Orion was +always generous, always liberal with everybody except himself. It cost +him nothing in my case, for he never was able to pay me a penny as long +as I was with him. By the end of the first year he found he must make +some economies. The office rent was cheap, but it was not cheap enough. +He could not afford to pay rent of any kind, so he moved the whole plant +into the house we lived in, and it cramped the dwelling-place cruelly. +He kept that paper alive during four years, but I have at this time no +idea how he accomplished it. Toward the end of each year he had to turn +out and scrape and scratch for the fifty dollars of interest due Mr. +Johnson, and that fifty dollars was about the only cash he ever received +or paid out, I suppose, while he was proprietor of that newspaper, +except for ink and printing-paper. The paper was a dead failure. It had +to be that from the start. Finally he handed it over to Mr. Johnson, and +went up to Muscatine, Iowa, and acquired a small interest in a weekly +newspaper there. It was not a sort of property to marry on--but no +matter. He came across a winning and pretty girl who lived in Quincy, +Illinois, a few miles below Keokuk, and they became engaged. He was +always falling in love with girls, but by some accident or other he had +never gone so far as engagement before. And now he achieved nothing but +misfortune by it, because he straightway fell in love with a Keokuk +girl. He married the Keokuk girl and they began a struggle for life +which turned out to be a difficult enterprise, and very unpromising. + +To gain a living in Muscatine was plainly impossible, so Orion and his +new wife went to Keokuk to live, for she wanted to be near her +relatives. He bought a little bit of a job-printing plant--on credit, of +course--and at once put prices down to where not even the apprentices +could get a living out of it, and this sort of thing went on. + +[Sidenote: (1853.)] + +I had not joined the Muscatine migration. Just before that happened +(which I think was in 1853) I disappeared one night and fled to St. +Louis. There I worked in the composing-room of the "Evening News" for a +time, and then started on my travels to see the world. The world was New +York City, and there was a little World's Fair there. It had just been +opened where the great reservoir afterward was, and where the sumptuous +public library is now being built--Fifth Avenue and Forty-second Street. +I arrived in New York with two or three dollars in pocket change and a +ten-dollar bank-bill concealed in the lining of my coat. I got work at +villainous wages in the establishment of John A. Gray and Green in Cliff +Street, and I found board in a sufficiently villainous mechanics' +boarding-house in Duane Street. The firm paid my wages in wildcat money +at its face value, and my week's wage merely sufficed to pay board and +lodging. By and by I went to Philadelphia and worked there some months +as a "sub" on the "Inquirer" and the "Public Ledger." Finally I made a +flying trip to Washington to see the sights there, and in 1854 I went +back to the Mississippi Valley, sitting upright in the smoking-car two +or three days and nights. When I reached St. Louis I was exhausted. I +went to bed on board a steamboat that was bound for Muscatine. I fell +asleep at once, with my clothes on, and didn't wake again for thirty-six +hours. + +[Sidenote: (1854.)] + +... I worked in that little job-office in Keokuk as much as two years, I +should say, without ever collecting a cent of wages, for Orion was never +able to pay anything--but Dick Higham and I had good times. I don't know +what Dick got, but it was probably only uncashable promises. + +[Sidenote: (1856.)] + +One day in the midwinter of 1856 or 1857--I think it was 1856--I was +coming along the main street of Keokuk in the middle of the forenoon. It +was bitter weather--so bitter that that street was deserted, almost. A +light dry snow was blowing here and there on the ground and on the +pavement, swirling this way and that way and making all sorts of +beautiful figures, but very chilly to look at. The wind blew a piece of +paper past me and it lodged against a wall of a house. Something about +the look of it attracted my attention and I gathered it in. It was a +fifty-dollar bill, the only one I had ever seen, and the largest +assemblage of money I had ever encountered in one spot. I advertised it +in the papers and suffered more than a thousand dollars' worth of +solicitude and fear and distress during the next few days lest the owner +should see the advertisement and come and take my fortune away. As many +as four days went by without an applicant; then I could endure this kind +of misery no longer. I felt sure that another four could not go by in +this safe and secure way. I felt that I must take that money out of +danger. So I bought a ticket for Cincinnati and went to that city. I +worked there several months in the printing-office of Wrightson and +Company. I had been reading Lieutenant Herndon's account of his +explorations of the Amazon and had been mightily attracted by what he +said of coca. I made up my mind that I would go to the head waters of +the Amazon and collect coca and trade in it and make a fortune. I left +for New Orleans in the steamer "Paul Jones" with this great idea filling +my mind. One of the pilots of that boat was Horace Bixby. Little by +little I got acquainted with him, and pretty soon I was doing a lot of +steering for him in his daylight watches. When I got to New Orleans I +inquired about ships leaving for Pará and discovered that there weren't +any, and learned that there probably wouldn't be any during that +century. It had not occurred to me to inquire about those particulars +before leaving Cincinnati, so there I was. I couldn't get to the Amazon. +I had no friends in New Orleans and no money to speak of. I went to +Horace Bixby and asked him to make a pilot out of me. He said he would +do it for a hundred dollars cash in advance. So I steered for him up to +St. Louis, borrowed the money from my brother-in-law and closed the +bargain. I had acquired this brother-in-law several years before. This +was Mr. William A. Moffett, a merchant, a Virginian--a fine man in every +way. He had married my sister Pamela, and the Samuel E. Moffett of whom +I have been speaking was their son. Within eighteen months I became a +competent pilot, and I served that office until the Mississippi River +traffic was brought to a standstill by the breaking out of the civil +war. + +... Meantime Orion had gone down the river and established his little +job-printing-office in Keokuk. On account of charging next to nothing +for the work done in his job-office, he had almost nothing to do there. +He was never able to comprehend that work done on a profitless basis +deteriorates and is presently not worth anything, and that customers are +then obliged to go where they can get better work, even if they must pay +better prices for it. He had plenty of time, and he took up Blackstone +again. He also put up a sign which offered his services to the public +as a lawyer. He never got a case, in those days, nor even an applicant, +although he was quite willing to transact law business for nothing and +furnish the stationery himself. He was always liberal that way. + +[Sidenote: (1861.)] + +Presently he moved to a wee little hamlet called Alexandria, two or +three miles down the river, and he put up that sign there. He got no +custom. He was by this time very hard aground. But by this time I was +beginning to earn a wage of two hundred and fifty dollars a month as +pilot, and so I supported him thenceforth until 1861, when his ancient +friend, Edward Bates, then a member of Mr. Lincoln's first cabinet, got +him the place of Secretary of the new Territory of Nevada, and Orion and +I cleared for that country in the overland stage-coach, I paying the +fares, which were pretty heavy, and carrying with me what money I had +been able to save--this was eight hundred dollars, I should say--and it +was all in silver coin and a good deal of a nuisance because of its +weight. And we had another nuisance, which was an Unabridged Dictionary. +It weighed about a thousand pounds, and was a ruinous expense, because +the stage-coach Company charged for extra baggage by the ounce. We could +have kept a family for a time on what that dictionary cost in the way of +extra freight--and it wasn't a good dictionary anyway--didn't have any +modern words in it--only had obsolete ones that they used to use when +Noah Webster was a child. + +The Government of the new Territory of Nevada was an interesting +menagerie. Governor Nye was an old and seasoned politician from New +York--politician, not statesman. He had white hair; he was in fine +physical condition; he had a winningly friendly face and deep lustrous +brown eyes that could talk as a native language the tongue of every +feeling, every passion, every emotion. His eyes could outtalk his +tongue, and this is saying a good deal, for he was a very remarkable +talker, both in private and on the stump. He was a shrewd man; he +generally saw through surfaces and perceived what was going on inside +without being suspected of having an eye on the matter. + +When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. +They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood +they still retain and cherish a job-lot of left-over standards and +ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had +then moved out into the world and a broader life. There were many +practical jokers in the new Territory. I do not take pleasure in +exposing this fact, for I liked those people; but what I am saying is +true. I wish I could say a kindlier thing about them instead--that they +were burglars, or hat-rack thieves, or something like that, that +wouldn't be utterly uncomplimentary. I would prefer it, but I can't say +those things, they would not be true. These people were practical +jokers, and I will not try to disguise it. In other respects they were +plenty good-enough people; honest people; reputable and likable. They +played practical jokes upon each other with success, and got the +admiration and applause and also the envy of the rest of the community. +Naturally they were eager to try their arts on big game, and that was +what the Governor was. But they were not able to score. They made +several efforts, but the Governor defeated these efforts without any +trouble and went on smiling his pleasant smile as if nothing had +happened. Finally the joker chiefs of Carson City and Virginia City +conspired together to see if their combined talent couldn't win a +victory, for the jokers were getting into a very uncomfortable place: +the people were laughing at them, instead of at their proposed victim. +They banded themselves together to the number of ten and invited the +Governor to what was a most extraordinary attention in those +days--pickled oyster stew and champagne--luxuries very seldom seen in +that region, and existing rather as fabrics of the imagination than as +facts. + +The Governor took me with him. He said disparagingly, + +"It's a poor invention. It doesn't deceive. Their idea is to get me +drunk and leave me under the table, and from their standpoint this will +be very funny. But they don't know me. I am familiar with champagne and +have no prejudices against it." + +The fate of the joke was not decided until two o'clock in the morning. +At that hour the Governor was serene, genial, comfortable, contented, +happy and sober, although he was so full that he couldn't laugh without +shedding champagne tears. Also, at that hour the last joker joined his +comrades under the table, drunk to the last perfection. The Governor +remarked, + +"This is a dry place, Sam, let's go and get something to drink and go to +bed." + +The Governor's official menagerie had been drawn from the humblest +ranks of his constituents at home--harmless good fellows who had helped +in his campaigns, and now they had their reward in petty salaries +payable in greenbacks that were worth next to nothing. Those boys had a +hard time to make both ends meet. Orion's salary was eighteen hundred +dollars a year, and he wouldn't even support his dictionary on it. But +the Irishwoman who had come out on the Governor's staff charged the +menagerie only ten dollars a week apiece for board and lodging. Orion +and I were of her boarders and lodgers; and so, on these cheap terms the +silver I had brought from home held out very well. + +[Sidenote: ('62 or '63)] + +At first I roamed about the country seeking silver, but at the end of +'62 or the beginning of '63 when I came up from Aurora to begin a +journalistic life on the Virginia City "Enterprise," I was presently +sent down to Carson City to report the legislative session. Orion was +soon very popular with the members of the legislature, because they +found that whereas they couldn't usually trust each other, nor anybody +else, they could trust him. He easily held the belt for honesty in that +country, but it didn't do him any good in a pecuniary way, because he +had no talent for either persuading or scaring legislators. But I was +differently situated. I was there every day in the legislature to +distribute compliment and censure with evenly balanced justice and +spread the same over half a page of the "Enterprise" every morning, +consequently I was an influence. I got the legislature to pass a wise +and very necessary law requiring every corporation doing business in the +Territory to record its charter in full, without skipping a word, in a +record to be kept by the Secretary of the Territory--my brother. All the +charters were framed in exactly the same words. For this record-service +he was authorized to charge forty cents a folio of one hundred words for +making the record; also five dollars for furnishing a certificate of +each record, and so on. Everybody had a toll-road franchise, but no +toll-road. But the franchise had to be recorded and paid for. Everybody +was a mining corporation, and had to have himself recorded and pay for +it. Very well, we prospered. The record-service paid an average of a +thousand dollars a month, in gold. + +Governor Nye was often absent from the Territory. He liked to run down +to San Francisco every little while and enjoy a rest from Territorial +civilization. Nobody complained, for he was prodigiously popular, he +had been a stage-driver in his early days in New York or New England, +and had acquired the habit of remembering names and faces, and of making +himself agreeable to his passengers. As a politician this had been +valuable to him, and he kept his arts in good condition by practice. By +the time he had been Governor a year, he had shaken hands with every +human being in the Territory of Nevada, and after that he always knew +these people instantly at sight and could call them by name. The whole +population, of 20,000 persons, were his personal friends, and he could +do anything he chose to do and count upon their being contented with it. +Whenever he was absent from the Territory--which was generally--Orion +served his office in his place, as Acting Governor, a title which was +soon and easily shortened to "Governor." He recklessly built and +furnished a house at a cost of twelve thousand dollars, and there was no +other house in the sage-brush capital that could approach this property +for style and cost. + +When Governor Nye's four-year term was drawing to a close, the mystery +of why he had ever consented to leave the great State of New York and +help inhabit that jack-rabbit desert was solved: he had gone out there +in order to become a United States Senator. All that was now necessary +was to turn the Territory into a State. He did it without any +difficulty. That undeveloped country and that sparse population were not +well fitted for the heavy burden of a State Government, but no matter, +the people were willing to have the change, and so the Governor's game +was made. + +Orion's game was made too, apparently, for he was as popular because of +his honesty as the Governor was for more substantial reasons; but at the +critical moment the inborn capriciousness of his character rose up +without warning, and disaster followed. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCIX. + +FEBRUARY 15, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1864-5.)] + +_Orion Clemens--resumed._ + +[_Dictated April 5, 1906._] There were several candidates for all the +offices in the gift of the new State of Nevada save two--United States +Senator, and Secretary of State. Nye was certain to get a Senatorship, +and Orion was so sure to get the Secretaryship that no one but him was +named for that office. But he was hit with one of his spasms of virtue +on the very day that the Republican party was to make its nominations in +the Convention, and refused to go near the Convention. He was urged, but +all persuasions failed. He said his presence there would be an unfair +and improper influence and that if he was to be nominated the compliment +must come to him as a free and unspotted gift. This attitude would have +settled his case for him without further effort, but he had another +attack of virtue on the same day, that made it absolutely sure. It had +been his habit for a great many years to change his religion with his +shirt, and his ideas about temperance at the same time. He would be a +teetotaler for a while and the champion of the cause; then he would +change to the other side for a time. On nomination day he suddenly +changed from a friendly attitude toward whiskey--which was the popular +attitude--to uncompromising teetotalism, and went absolutely dry. His +friends besought and implored, but all in vain. He could not be +persuaded to cross the threshold of a saloon. The paper next morning +contained the list of chosen nominees. His name was not in it. He had +not received a vote. + +His rich income ceased when the State government came into power. He was +without an occupation. Something had to be done. He put up his sign as +attorney-at-law, but he got no clients. It was strange. It was difficult +to account for. I cannot account for it--but if I were going to guess at +a solution I should guess that by the make of him he would examine both +sides of a case so diligently and so conscientiously that when he got +through with his argument neither he nor a jury would know which side he +was on. I think that his client would find out his make in laying his +case before him, and would take warning and withdraw it in time to save +himself from probable disaster. + +I had taken up my residence in San Francisco about a year before the +time I have just been speaking of. One day I got a tip from Mr. Camp, a +bold man who was always making big fortunes in ingenious speculations +and losing them again in the course of six months by other speculative +ingenuities. Camp told me to buy some shares in the Hale and Norcross. I +bought fifty shares at three hundred dollars a share. I bought on a +margin, and put up twenty per cent. It exhausted my funds. I wrote Orion +and offered him half, and asked him to send his share of the money. I +waited and waited. He wrote and said he was going to attend to it. The +stock went along up pretty briskly. It went higher and higher. It +reached a thousand dollars a share. It climbed to two thousand, then to +three thousand; then to twice that figure. The money did not come, but I +was not disturbed. By and by that stock took a turn and began to gallop +down. Then I wrote urgently. Orion answered that he had sent the money +long ago--said he had sent it to the Occidental Hotel. I inquired for +it. They said it was not there. To cut a long story short, that stock +went on down until it fell below the price I had paid for it. Then it +began to eat up the margin, and when at last I got out I was very badly +crippled. + +When it was too late, I found out what had become of Orion's money. Any +other human being would have sent a check, but he sent gold. The hotel +clerk put it in the safe and went on vacation, and there it had reposed +all this time enjoying its fatal work, no doubt. Another man might have +thought to tell me that the money was not in a letter, but was in an +express package, but it never occurred to Orion to do that. + +Later, Mr. Camp gave me another chance. He agreed to buy our Tennessee +land for two hundred thousand dollars, pay a part of the amount in cash +and give long notes for the rest. His scheme was to import foreigners +from grape-growing and wine-making districts in Europe, settle them on +the land, and turn it into a wine-growing country. He knew what Mr. +Longworth thought of those Tennessee grapes, and was satisfied. I sent +the contracts and things to Orion for his signature, he being one of the +three heirs. But they arrived at a bad time--in a doubly bad time, in +fact. The temperance virtue was temporarily upon him in strong force, +and he wrote and said that he would not be a party to debauching the +country with wine. Also he said how could he know whether Mr. Camp was +going to deal fairly and honestly with those poor people from Europe or +not?--and so, without waiting to find out, he quashed the whole trade, +and there it fell, never to be brought to life again. The land, from +being suddenly worth two hundred thousand dollars, became as suddenly +worth what it was before--nothing, and taxes to pay. I had paid the +taxes and the other expenses for some years, but I dropped the Tennessee +land there, and have never taken any interest in it since, pecuniarily +or otherwise, until yesterday. + +I had supposed, until yesterday, that Orion had frittered away the last +acre, and indeed that was his own impression. But a gentleman arrived +yesterday from Tennessee and brought a map showing that by a correction +of the ancient surveys we still own a thousand acres, in a coal +district, out of the hundred thousand acres which my father left us when +he died in 1847. The gentleman brought a proposition; also he brought a +reputable and well-to-do citizen of New York. The proposition was that +the Tennesseean gentleman should sell that land; that the New York +gentleman should pay all the expenses and fight all the lawsuits, in +case any should turn up, and that of such profit as might eventuate the +Tennesseean gentleman should take a third, the New-Yorker a third, and +Sam Moffett and his sister and I--who are surviving heirs--the remaining +third. + +This time I hope we shall get rid of the Tennessee land for good and all +and never hear of it again. + +[Sidenote: (1867.)] + +[Sidenote: (1871.)] + +I came East in January, 1867. Orion remained in Carson City perhaps a +year longer. Then he sold his twelve-thousand-dollar house and its +furniture for thirty-five hundred in greenbacks at about sixty per cent. +discount. He and his wife took passage in the steamer for home in +Keokuk. About 1871 or '72 they came to New York. Orion had been trying +to make a living in the law ever since he had arrived from the Pacific +Coast, but he had secured only two cases. Those he was to try free of +charge--but the possible result will never be known, because the parties +settled the cases out of court without his help. + +Orion got a job as proof-reader on the New York "Evening Post" at ten +dollars a week. By and by he came to Hartford and wanted me to get him a +place as reporter on a Hartford paper. Here was a chance to try my +scheme again, and I did it. I made him go to the Hartford "Evening +Post," without any letter of introduction, and propose to scrub and +sweep and do all sorts of things for nothing, on the plea that he didn't +need money but only needed work, and that that was what he was pining +for. Within six weeks he was on the editorial staff of that paper at +twenty dollars a week, and he was worth the money. He was presently +called for by some other paper at better wages, but I made him go to the +"Post" people and tell them about it. They stood the raise and kept him. +It was the pleasantest berth he had ever had in his life. It was an easy +berth. He was in every way comfortable. But ill-luck came. It was bound +to come. + +A new Republican daily was to be started in a New England city by a +stock company of well-to-do politicians, and they offered him the chief +editorship at three thousand a year. He was eager to accept. My +beseechings and reasonings went for nothing. I said, + +"You are as weak as water. Those people will find it out right away. +They will easily see that you have no backbone; that they can deal with +you as they would deal with a slave. You may last six months, but not +longer. Then they will not dismiss you as they would dismiss a +gentleman: they will fling you out as they would fling out an intruding +tramp." + +It happened just so. Then he and his wife migrated to Keokuk once more. +Orion wrote from there that he was not resuming the law; that he thought +that what his health needed was the open air, in some sort of outdoor +occupation; that his father-in-law had a strip of ground on the river +border a mile above Keokuk with some sort of a house on it, and his idea +was to buy that place and start a chicken-farm and provide Keokuk with +chickens and eggs, and perhaps butter--but I don't know whether you can +raise butter on a chicken-farm or not. He said the place could be had +for three thousand dollars cash, and I sent the money. He began to raise +chickens, and he made a detailed monthly report to me, whereby it +appeared that he was able to work off his chickens on the Keokuk people +at a dollar and a quarter a pair. But it also appeared that it cost a +dollar and sixty cents to raise the pair. This did not seem to +discourage Orion, and so I let it go. Meantime he was borrowing a +hundred dollars per month of me regularly, month by month. Now to show +Orion's stern and rigid business ways--and he really prided himself on +his large business capacities--the moment he received the advance of a +hundred dollars at the beginning of each month, he always sent me his +note for the amount, and with it he sent, _out of that money, three +months' interest_ on the hundred dollars at six per cent. per annum, +these notes being always for three months. + +As I say, he always sent a detailed statement of the month's profit and +loss on the chickens--at least the month's loss on the chickens--and +this detailed statement included the various items of expense--corn for +the chickens, boots for himself, and so on; even car fares, and the +weekly contribution of ten cents to help out the missionaries who were +trying to damn the Chinese after a plan not satisfactory to those +people. + +I think the poultry experiment lasted about a year, possibly two years. +It had then cost me six thousand dollars. + +Orion returned to the law business, and I suppose he remained in that +harness off and on for the succeeding quarter of a century, but so far +as my knowledge goes he was only a lawyer in name, and had no clients. + +[Sidenote: (1890.)] + +My mother died, in her eighty-eighth year, in the summer of 1890. She +had saved some money, and she left it to me, because it had come from +me. I gave it to Orion and he said, with thanks, that I had supported +him long enough and now he was going to relieve me of that burden, and +would also hope to pay back some of that expense, and maybe the whole of +it. Accordingly, he proceeded to use up that money in building a +considerable addition to the house, with the idea of taking boarders and +getting rich. We need not dwell upon this venture. It was another of his +failures. His wife tried hard to make the scheme succeed, and if anybody +could have made it succeed she would have done it. She was a good woman, +and was greatly liked. She had a practical side, and she would have made +that boarding-house lucrative if circumstances had not been against her. + +Orion had other projects for recouping me, but as they always required +capital I stayed out of them, and they did not materialize. Once he +wanted to start a newspaper. It was a ghastly idea, and I squelched it +with a promptness that was almost rude. Then he invented a wood-sawing +machine and patched it together himself, and he really sawed wood with +it. It was ingenious; it was capable; and it would have made a +comfortable little fortune for him; but just at the wrong time +Providence interfered again. Orion applied for a patent and found that +the same machine had already been patented and had gone into business +and was thriving. + +Presently the State of New York offered a fifty-thousand-dollar prize +for a practical method of navigating the Erie Canal with steam +canal-boats. Orion worked at that thing for two or three years, invented +and completed a method, and was once more ready to reach out and seize +upon imminent wealth when somebody pointed out a defect: his steam +canal-boat could not be used in the winter-time; and in the summer-time +the commotion its wheels would make in the water would wash away the +State of New York on both sides. + +Innumerable were Orion's projects for acquiring the means to pay off +the debt to me. These projects extended straight through the succeeding +thirty years, but in every case they failed. During all those thirty +years his well-established honesty kept him in offices of trust where +other people's money had to be taken care of, but where no salary was +paid. He was treasurer of all the benevolent institutions; he took care +of the money and other property of widows and orphans; he never lost a +cent for anybody, and never made one for himself. Every time he changed +his religion the church of his new faith was glad to get him; made him +treasurer at once, and at once he stopped the graft and the leaks in +that church. He exhibited a facility in changing his political +complexion that was a marvel to the whole community. Once the following +curious thing happened, and he wrote me all about it himself. + +One morning he was a Republican, and upon invitation he agreed to make a +campaign speech at the Republican mass-meeting that night. He prepared +the speech. After luncheon he became a Democrat and agreed to write a +score of exciting mottoes to be painted upon the transparencies which +the Democrats would carry in their torchlight procession that night. He +wrote these shouting Democratic mottoes during the afternoon, and they +occupied so much of his time that it was night before he had a chance to +change his politics again; so he actually made a rousing Republican +campaign speech in the open air while his Democratic transparencies +passed by in front of him, to the joy of every witness present. + +He was a most strange creature--but in spite of his eccentricities he +was beloved, all his life, in whatsoever community he lived. And he was +also held in high esteem, for at bottom he was a sterling man. + +About twenty-five years ago--along there somewhere--I suggested to Orion +that he write an autobiography. I asked him to try to tell the straight +truth in it; to refrain from exhibiting himself in creditable attitudes +exclusively, and to honorably set down all the incidents of his life +which he had found interesting to him, including those which were burned +into his memory because he was ashamed of them. I said that this had +never been done, and that if he could do it his autobiography would be a +most valuable piece of literature. I said I was offering him a job which +I could not duplicate in my own case, but I would cherish the hope that +he might succeed with it. I recognise now that I was trying to saddle +upon him an impossibility. I have been dictating this autobiography of +mine daily for three months; I have thought of fifteen hundred or two +thousand incidents in my life which I am ashamed of, but I have not +gotten one of them to consent to go on paper yet. I think that that +stock will still be complete and unimpaired when I finish these memoirs, +if I ever finish them. I believe that if I should put in all or any of +those incidents I should be sure to strike them out when I came to +revise this book. + +Orion wrote his autobiography and sent it to me. But great was my +disappointment; and my vexation, too. In it he was constantly making a +hero of himself, exactly as I should have done and am doing now, and he +was constantly forgetting to put in the episodes which placed him in an +unheroic light. I knew several incidents of his life which were +distinctly and painfully unheroic, but when I came across them in his +autobiography they had changed color. They had turned themselves inside +out, and were things to be intemperately proud of. In my dissatisfaction +I destroyed a considerable part of that autobiography. But in what +remains there are passages which are interesting, and I shall quote from +them here and there and now and then, as I go along. + +[Sidenote: (1898.)] + +While we were living in Vienna in 1898 a cablegram came from Keokuk +announcing Orion's death. He was seventy-two years old. He had gone down +to the kitchen in the early hours of a bitter December morning; he had +built the fire, and had then sat down at a table to write something; and +there he died, with the pencil in his hand and resting against the paper +in the middle of an unfinished word--an indication that his release from +the captivity of a long and troubled and pathetic and unprofitable life +was mercifully swift and painless. + +[_Dictated in 1904._] A quarter of a century ago I was visiting John Hay +at Whitelaw Reid's house in New York, which Hay was occupying for a few +months while Reid was absent on a holiday in Europe. Temporarily also, +Hay was editing Reid's paper, the New York "Tribune." I remember two +incidents of that Sunday visit particularly well. I had known John Hay a +good many years, I had known him when he was an obscure young editorial +writer on the "Tribune" in Horace Greely's time, earning three or four +times the salary he got, considering the high character of the work +which came from his pen. In those earlier days he was a picture to look +at, for beauty of feature, perfection of form and grace of carriage and +movement. He had a charm about him of a sort quite unusual to my Western +ignorance and inexperience--a charm of manner, intonation, apparently +native and unstudied elocution, and all that--the groundwork of it +native, the ease of it, the polish of it, the winning naturalness of it, +acquired in Europe where he had been Chargé d'Affaires some time at the +Court of Vienna. He was joyous and cordial, a most pleasant comrade. One +of the two incidents above referred to as marking that visit was this: + +In trading remarks concerning our ages I confessed to forty-two and Hay +to forty. Then he asked if I had begun to write my autobiography, and I +said I hadn't. He said that I ought to begin at once, and that I had +already lost two years. Then he said in substance this: + +"At forty a man reaches the top of the hill of life and starts down on +the sunset side. The ordinary man, the average man, not to particularize +too closely and say the commonplace man, has at that age succeeded or +failed; in either case he has lived all of his life that is likely to be +worth recording; also in either case the life lived is worth setting +down, and cannot fail to be interesting if he comes as near to telling +the truth about himself as he can. And he _will_ tell the truth in spite +of himself, for his facts and his fictions will work loyally together +for the protection of the reader; each fact and each fiction will be a +dab of paint, each will fall in its right place, and together they will +paint his portrait; not the portrait _he_ thinks they are painting, but +his real portrait, the inside of him, the soul of him, his character. +Without intending to lie he will lie all the time; not bluntly, +consciously, not dully unconsciously, but half-consciously-- +consciousness in twilight; a soft and gentle and merciful twilight which +makes his general form comely, with his virtuous prominences and +projections discernible and his ungracious ones in shadow. His truths +will be recognizable as truths, his modifications of facts which would +tell against him will go for nothing, the reader will see the fact +through the film and know his man. + +"There is a subtle devilish something or other about autobiographical +composition that defeats all the writer's attempts to paint his portrait +_his_ way." + +Hay meant that he and I were ordinary average commonplace people, and I +did not resent my share of the verdict, but nursed my wound in silence. +His idea that we had finished our work in life, passed the summit and +were westward bound down-hill, with me two years ahead of him and +neither of us with anything further to do as benefactors to mankind, was +all a mistake. I had written four books then, possibly five. I have been +drowning the world in literary wisdom ever since, volume after volume; +since that day's sun went down he has been the historian of Mr. Lincoln, +and his book will never perish; he has been ambassador, brilliant +orator, competent and admirable Secretary of State. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCX. + +MARCH 1, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XIII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1847.)] + +... As I have said, that vast plot of Tennessee land[6] was held by my +father twenty years--intact. When he died in 1847, we began to manage it +ourselves. Forty years afterward, we had managed it all away except +10,000 acres, and gotten nothing to remember the sales by. About +1887--possibly it was earlier--the 10,000 went. My brother found a +chance to trade it for a house and lot in the town of Corry, in the oil +regions of Pennsylvania. About 1894 he sold this property for $250. That +ended the Tennessee Land. + +If any penny of cash ever came out of my father's wise investment but +that, I have no recollection of it. No, I am overlooking a detail. It +furnished me a field for Sellers and a book. Out of my half of the book +I got $15,000 or $20,000; out of the play I got $75,000 or $80,000--just +about a dollar an acre. It is curious: I was not alive when my father +made the investment, therefore he was not intending any partiality; yet +I was the only member of the family that ever profited by it. I shall +have occasion to mention this land again, now and then, as I go along, +for it influenced our life in one way or another during more than a +generation. Whenever things grew dark it rose and put out its hopeful +Sellers hand and cheered us up, and said "Do not be afraid--trust in +me--wait." It kept us hoping and hoping, during forty years, and forsook +us at last. It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of +us--dreamers and indolent. We were always going to be rich next year--no +occasion to work. It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin +life rich--these are wholesome; but to begin it _prospectively_ rich! +The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. + +My parents removed to Missouri in the early thirties; I do not remember +just when, for I was not born then, and cared nothing for such things. +It was a long journey in those days, and must have been a rough and +tiresome one. The home was made in the wee village of Florida, in Monroe +county, and I was born there in 1835. The village contained a hundred +people and I increased the population by one per cent. It is more than +the best man in history ever did for any other town. It may not be +modest in me to refer to this, but it is true. There is no record of a +person doing as much--not even Shakespeare. But I did it for Florida, +and it shows that I could have done it for any place--even London, I +suppose. + +Recently some one in Missouri has sent me a picture of the house I was +born in. Heretofore I have always stated that it was a palace, but I +shall be more guarded, now. + +I remember only one circumstance connected with my life in it. I +remember it very well, though I was but two and a half years old at the +time. The family packed up everything and started in wagons for +Hannibal, on the Mississippi, thirty miles away. Toward night, when they +camped and counted up the children, one was missing. I was the one. I +had been left behind. Parents ought always to count the children before +they start. I was having a good enough time playing by myself until I +found that the doors were fastened and that there was a grisly deep +silence brooding over the place. I knew, then, that the family were +gone, and that they had forgotten me. I was well frightened, and I made +all the noise I could, but no one was near and it did no good. I spent +the afternoon in captivity and was not rescued until the gloaming had +fallen and the place was alive with ghosts. + +My brother Henry was six months old at that time. I used to remember his +walking into a fire outdoors when he was a week old. It was remarkable +in me to remember a thing like that, which occurred when I was so young. +And it was still more remarkable that I should cling to the delusion, +for thirty years, that I _did_ remember it--for of course it never +happened; he would not have been able to walk at that age. If I had +stopped to reflect, I should not have burdened my memory with that +impossible rubbish so long. It is believed by many people that an +impression deposited in a child's memory within the first two years of +its life cannot remain there five years, but that is an error. The +incident of Benvenuto Cellini and the salamander must be accepted as +authentic and trustworthy; and then that remarkable and indisputable +instance in the experience of Helen Keller--however, I will speak of +that at another time. For many years I believed that I remembered +helping my grandfather drink his whiskey toddy when I was six weeks old, +but I do not tell about that any more, now; I am grown old, and my +memory is not as active as it used to be. When I was younger I could +remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are +decaying, now, and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the +things that happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all +have to do it. + +My uncle, John A. Quarles, was a farmer, and his place was in the +country four miles from Florida. He had eight children, and fifteen or +twenty negroes, and was also fortunate in other ways. Particularly in +his character. I have not come across a better man than he was. I was +his guest for two or three months every year, from the fourth year after +we removed to Hannibal till I was eleven or twelve years old. I have +never consciously used him or his wife in a book, but his farm has come +very handy to me in literature, once or twice. In "Huck Finn" and in +"Tom Sawyer Detective" I moved it down to Arkansas. It was all of six +hundred miles, but it was no trouble, it was not a very large farm; +five hundred acres, perhaps, but I could have done it if it had been +twice as large. And as for the morality of it, I cared nothing for that; +I would move a State if the exigencies of literature required it. + +It was a heavenly place for a boy, that farm of my uncle John's. The +house was a double log one, with a spacious floor (roofed in) connecting +it with the kitchen. In the summer the table was set in the middle of +that shady and breezy floor, and the sumptuous meals--well, it makes me +cry to think of them. Fried chicken, roast pig, wild and tame turkeys, +ducks and geese; venison just killed; squirrels, rabbits, pheasants, +partridges, prairie-chickens; biscuits, hot batter cakes, hot buckwheat +cakes, hot "wheat bread," hot rolls, hot corn pone; fresh corn boiled on +the ear, succotash, butter-beans, string-beans, tomatoes, pease, Irish +potatoes, sweet-potatoes; buttermilk, sweet milk, "clabber"; +watermelons, musk-melons, cantaloups--all fresh from the garden--apple +pie, peach pie, pumpkin pie, apple dumplings, peach cobbler--I can't +remember the rest. The way that the things were cooked was perhaps the +main splendor--particularly a certain few of the dishes. For instance, +the corn bread, the hot biscuits and wheat bread, and the fried chicken. +These things have never been properly cooked in the North--in fact, no +one there is able to learn the art, so far as my experience goes. The +North thinks it knows how to make corn bread, but this is gross +superstition. Perhaps no bread in the world is quite as good as Southern +corn bread, and perhaps no bread in the world is quite so bad as the +Northern imitation of it. The North seldom tries to fry chicken, and +this is well; the art cannot be learned north of the line of Mason and +Dixon, nor anywhere in Europe. This is not hearsay; it is experience +that is speaking. In Europe it is imagined that the custom of serving +various kinds of bread blazing hot is "American," but that is too broad +a spread; it is custom in the South, but is much less than that in the +North. In the North and in Europe hot bread is considered unhealthy. +This is probably another fussy superstition, like the European +superstition that ice-water is unhealthy. Europe does not need +ice-water, and does not drink it; and yet, notwithstanding this, its +word for it is better than ours, because it describes it, whereas ours +doesn't. Europe calls it "iced" water. Our word describes water made +from melted ice--a drink which we have but little acquaintance with. + +It seem a pity that the world should throw away so many good things +merely because they are unwholesome. I doubt if God has given us any +refreshment which, taken in moderation, is unwholesome, except microbes. +Yet there are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every +eatable, drinkable and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady +reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get +for it. How strange it is; it is like paying out your whole fortune for +a cow that has gone dry. + +The farmhouse stood in the middle of a very large yard, and the yard was +fenced on three sides with rails and on the rear side with high palings; +against these stood the smokehouse; beyond the palings was the orchard; +beyond the orchard were the negro quarter and the tobacco-fields. The +front yard was entered over a stile, made of sawed-off logs of graduated +heights; I do not remember any gate. In a corner of the front yard were +a dozen lofty hickory-trees and a dozen black-walnuts, and in the +nutting season riches were to be gathered there. + +Down a piece, abreast the house, stood a little log cabin against the +rail fence; and there the woody hill fell sharply away, past the barns, +the corn-crib, the stables and the tobacco-curing house, to a limpid +brook which sang along over its gravelly bed and curved and frisked in +and out and here and there and yonder in the deep shade of overhanging +foliage and vines--a divine place for wading, and it had swimming-pools, +too, which were forbidden to us and therefore much frequented by us. For +we were little Christian children, and had early been taught the value +of forbidden fruit. + +In the little log cabin lived a bedridden white-headed slave woman whom +we visited daily, and looked upon with awe, for we believed she was +upwards of a thousand years old and had talked with Moses. The younger +negroes credited these statistics, and had furnished them to us in good +faith. We accommodated all the details which came to us about her; and +so we believed that she had lost her health in the long desert trip +coming out of Egypt, and had never been able to get it back again. She +had a round bald place on the crown of her head, and we used to creep +around and gaze at it in reverent silence, and reflect that it was +caused by fright through seeing Pharaoh drowned. We called her "Aunt" +Hannah, Southern fashion. She was superstitious like the other negroes; +also, like them, she was deeply religious. Like them, she had great +faith in prayer, and employed it in all ordinary exigencies, but not in +cases where a dead certainty of result was urgent. Whenever witches were +around she tied up the remnant of her wool in little tufts, with white +thread, and this promptly made the witches impotent. + +All the negroes were friends of ours, and with those of our own age we +were in effect comrades. I say in effect, using the phrase as a +modification. We were comrades, and yet not comrades; color and +condition interposed a subtle line which both parties were conscious of, +and which rendered complete fusion impossible. We had a faithful and +affectionate good friend, ally and adviser in "Uncle Dan'l," a +middle-aged slave whose head was the best one in the negro quarter, +whose sympathies were wide and warm, and whose heart was honest and +simple and knew no guile. He has served me well, these many, many years. +I have not seen him for more than half a century, and yet spiritually I +have had his welcome company a good part of that time, and have staged +him in books under his own name and as "Jim," and carted him all +around--to Hannibal, down the Mississippi on a raft, and even across the +Desert of Sahara in a balloon--and he has endured it all with the +patience and friendliness and loyalty which were his birthright. It was +on the farm that I got my strong liking for his race and my appreciation +of certain of its fine qualities. This feeling and this estimate have +stood the test of sixty years and more and have suffered no impairment. +The black face is as welcome to me now as it was then. + +In my schoolboy days I had no aversion to slavery. I was not aware that +there was anything wrong about it. No one arraigned it in my hearing; +the local papers said nothing against it; the local pulpit taught us +that God approved it, that it was a holy thing, and that the doubter +need only look in the Bible if he wished to settle his mind--and then +the texts were read aloud to us to make the matter sure; if the slaves +themselves had an aversion to slavery they were wise and said nothing. +In Hannibal we seldom saw a slave misused; on the farm, never. + +There was, however, one small incident of my boyhood days which touched +this matter, and it must have meant a good deal to me or it would not +have stayed in my memory, clear and sharp, vivid and shadowless, all +these slow-drifting years. We had a little slave boy whom we had hired +from some one, there in Hannibal. He was from the Eastern Shore of +Maryland, and had been brought away from his family and his friends, +half-way across the American continent, and sold. He was a cheery +spirit, innocent and gentle, and the noisiest creature that ever was, +perhaps. All day long he was singing, whistling, yelling, whooping, +laughing--it was maddening, devastating, unendurable. At last, one day, +I lost all my temper, and went raging to my mother, and said Sandy had +been singing for an hour without a single break, and I couldn't stand +it, and _wouldn't_ she please shut him up. The tears came into her eyes, +and her lip trembled, and she said something like this-- + +"Poor thing, when he sings, it shows that he is not remembering, and +that comforts me; but when he is still, I am afraid he is thinking, and +I cannot bear it. He will never see his mother again; if he can sing, I +must not hinder it, but be thankful for it. If you were older, you would +understand me; then that friendless child's noise would make you glad." + +It was a simple speech, and made up of small words, but it went home, +and Sandy's noise was not a trouble to me any more. She never used large +words, but she had a natural gift for making small ones do effective +work. She lived to reach the neighborhood of ninety years, and was +capable with her tongue to the last--especially when a meanness or an +injustice roused her spirit. She has come handy to me several times in +my books, where she figures as Tom Sawyer's "Aunt Polly." I fitted her +out with a dialect, and tried to think up other improvements for her, +but did not find any. I used Sandy once, also; it was in "Tom Sawyer"; I +tried to get him to whitewash the fence, but it did not work. I do not +remember what name I called him by in the book. + +I can see the farm yet, with perfect clearness. I can see all its +belongings, all its details; the family room of the house, with a +"trundle" bed in one corner and a spinning-wheel in another--a wheel +whose rising and falling wail, heard from a distance, was the +mournfulest of all sounds to me, and made me homesick and low-spirited, +and filled my atmosphere with the wandering spirits of the dead: the +vast fireplace, piled high, on winter nights, with flaming hickory logs +from whose ends a sugary sap bubbled out but did not go to waste, for we +scraped it off and ate it; the lazy cat spread out on the rough +hearthstones, the drowsy dogs braced against the jambs and blinking; my +aunt in one chimney-corner knitting, my uncle in the other smoking his +corn-cob pipe; the slick and carpetless oak floor faintly mirroring the +dancing flame-tongues and freckled with black indentations where +fire-coals had popped out and died a leisurely death; half a dozen +children romping in the background twilight; "split"-bottomed chairs +here and there, some with rockers; a cradle--out of service, but +waiting, with confidence; in the early cold mornings a snuggle of +children, in shirts and chemises, occupying the hearthstone and +procrastinating--they could not bear to leave that comfortable place and +go out on the wind-swept floor-space between the house and kitchen where +the general tin basin stood, and wash. + +Along outside of the front fence ran the country road; dusty in the +summer-time, and a good place for snakes--they liked to lie in it and +sun themselves; when they were rattlesnakes or puff adders, we killed +them: when they were black snakes, or racers, or belonged to the fabled +"hoop" breed, we fled, without shame; when they were "house snakes" or +"garters" we carried them home and put them in Aunt Patsy's work-basket +for a surprise; for she was prejudiced against snakes, and always when +she took the basket in her lap and they began to climb out of it it +disordered her mind. She never could seem to get used to them; her +opportunities went for nothing. And she was always cold toward bats, +too, and could not bear them; and yet I think a bat is as friendly a +bird as there is. My mother was Aunt Patsy's sister, and had the same +wild superstitions. A bat is beautifully soft and silky: I do not know +any creature that is pleasanter to the touch, or is more grateful for +caressings, if offered in the right spirit. I know all about these +coleoptera, because our great cave, three miles below Hannibal, was +multitudinously stocked with them, and often I brought them home to +amuse my mother with. It was easy to manage if it was a school day, +because then I had ostensibly been to school and hadn't any bats. She +was not a suspicious person, but full of trust and confidence; and when +I said "There's something in my coat pocket for you," she would put her +hand in. But she always took it out again, herself; I didn't have to +tell her. It was remarkable, the way she couldn't learn to like private +bats. + +I think she was never in the cave in her life; but everybody else went +there. Many excursion parties came from considerable distances up and +down the river to visit the cave. It was miles in extent, and was a +tangled wilderness of narrow and lofty clefts and passages. It was an +easy place to get lost in; anybody could do it--including the bats. I +got lost in it myself, along with a lady, and our last candle burned +down to almost nothing before we glimpsed the search-party's lights +winding about in the distance. + +"Injun Joe" the half-breed got lost in there once, and would have +starved to death if the bats had run short. But there was no chance of +that; there were myriads of them. He told me all his story. In the book +called "Tom Sawyer" I starved him entirely to death in the cave, but +that was in the interest of art; it never happened. "General" Gaines, +who was our first town drunkard before Jimmy Finn got the place, was +lost in there for the space of a week, and finally pushed his +handkerchief out of a hole in a hilltop near Saverton, several miles +down the river from the cave's mouth, and somebody saw it and dug him +out. There is nothing the matter with his statistics except the +handkerchief. I knew him for years, and he hadn't any. But it could have +been his nose. That would attract attention. + +Beyond the road where the snakes sunned themselves was a dense young +thicket, and through it a dim-lighted path led a quarter of a mile; then +out of the dimness one emerged abruptly upon a level great prairie which +was covered with wild strawberry-plants, vividly starred with prairie +pinks, and walled in on all sides by forests. The strawberries were +fragrant and fine, and in the season we were generally there in the +crisp freshness of the early morning, while the dew-beads still sparkled +upon the grass and the woods were ringing with the first songs of the +birds. + +Down the forest slopes to the left were the swings. They were made of +bark stripped from hickory saplings. When they became dry they were +dangerous. They usually broke when a child was forty feet in the air, +and this was why so many bones had to be mended every year. I had no +ill-luck myself, but none of my cousins escaped. There were eight of +them, and at one time and another they broke fourteen arms among them. +But it cost next to nothing, for the doctor worked by the year--$25 for +the whole family. I remember two of the Florida doctors, Chowning and +Meredith. They not only tended an entire family for $25 a year, but +furnished the medicines themselves. Good measure, too. Only the largest +persons could hold a whole dose. Castor-oil was the principal beverage. +The dose was half a dipperful, with half a dipperful of New Orleans +molasses added to help it down and make it taste good, which it never +did. The next standby was calomel; the next, rhubarb; and the next, +jalap. Then they bled the patient, and put mustard-plasters on him. It +was a dreadful system, and yet the death-rate was not heavy. The calomel +was nearly sure to salivate the patient and cost him some of his teeth. +There were no dentists. When teeth became touched with decay or were +otherwise ailing, the doctor knew of but one thing to do: he fetched his +tongs and dragged them out. If the jaw remained, it was not his fault. + +Doctors were not called, in cases of ordinary illness; the family's +grandmother attended to those. Every old woman was a doctor, and +gathered her own medicines in the woods, and knew how to compound doses +that would stir the vitals of a cast-iron dog. And then there was the +"Indian doctor"; a grave savage, remnant of his tribe, deeply read in +the mysteries of nature and the secret properties of herbs; and most +backwoodsmen had high faith in his powers and could tell of wonderful +cures achieved by him. In Mauritius, away off yonder in the solitudes of +the Indian Ocean, there is a person who answers to our Indian doctor of +the old times. He is a negro, and has had no teaching as a doctor, yet +there is one disease which he is master of and can cure, and the doctors +can't. They send for him when they have a case. It is a child's disease +of a strange and deadly sort, and the negro cures it with a herb +medicine which he makes, himself, from a prescription which has come +down to him from his father and grandfather. He will not let any one see +it. He keeps the secret of its components to himself, and it is feared +that he will die without divulging it; then there will be consternation +in Mauritius. I was told these things by the people there, in 1896. + +We had the "faith doctor," too, in those early days--a woman. Her +specialty was toothache. She was a farmer's old wife, and lived five +miles from Hannibal. She would lay her hand on the patient's jaw and say +"Believe!" and the cure was prompt. Mrs. Utterback. I remember her very +well. Twice I rode out there behind my mother, horseback, and saw the +cure performed. My mother was the patient. + +Dr. Meredith removed to Hannibal, by and by, and was our family +physician there, and saved my life several times. Still, he was a good +man and meant well. Let it go. + +I was always told that I was a sickly and precarious and tiresome and +uncertain child, and lived mainly on allopathic medicines during the +first seven years of my life. I asked my mother about this, in her old +age--she was in her 88th year--and said: + +"I suppose that during all that time you were uneasy about me?" + +"Yes, the whole time." + +"Afraid I wouldn't live?" + +After a reflective pause--ostensibly to think out the facts-- + +"No--afraid you would." + +It sounds like a plagiarism, but it probably wasn't. The country +schoolhouse was three miles from my uncle's farm. It stood in a clearing +in the woods, and would hold about twenty-five boys and girls. We +attended the school with more or less regularity once or twice a week, +in summer, walking to it in the cool of the morning by the forest paths, +and back in the gloaming at the end of the day. All the pupils brought +their dinners in baskets--corn-dodger, buttermilk and other good +things--and sat in the shade of the trees at noon and ate them. It is +the part of my education which I look back upon with the most +satisfaction. My first visit to the school was when I was seven. A +strapping girl of fifteen, in the customary sunbonnet and calico dress, +asked me if I "used tobacco"--meaning did I chew it. I said, no. It +roused her scorn. She reported me to all the crowd, and said-- + +"Here is a boy seven years old who can't chaw tobacco." + +By the looks and comments which this produced, I realized that I was a +degraded object; I was cruelly ashamed of myself. I determined to +reform. But I only made myself sick; I was not able to learn to chew +tobacco. I learned to smoke fairly well, but that did not conciliate +anybody, and I remained a poor thing, and characterless. I longed to be +respected, but I never was able to rise. Children have but little +charity for each other's defects. + +As I have said, I spent some part of every year at the farm until I was +twelve or thirteen years old. The life which I led there with my cousins +was full of charm, and so is the memory of it yet. I can call back the +solemn twilight and mystery of the deep woods, the earthy smells, the +faint odors of the wild flowers, the sheen of rain-washed foliage, the +rattling clatter of drops when the wind shook the trees, the far-off +hammering of woodpeckers and the muffled drumming of wood-pheasants in +the remoteness of the forest, the snap-shot glimpses of disturbed wild +creatures skurrying through the grass,--I can call it all back and make +it as real as it ever was, and as blessed. I can call back the prairie, +and its loneliness and peace, and a vast hawk hanging motionless in the +sky, with his wings spread wide and the blue of the vault showing +through the fringe of their end-feathers. I can see the woods in their +autumn dress, the oaks purple, the hickories washed with gold, the +maples and the sumacs luminous with crimson fires, and I can hear the +rustle made by the fallen leaves as we ploughed through them. I can see +the blue clusters of wild grapes hanging amongst the foliage of the +saplings, and I remember the taste of them and the smell. I know how the +wild blackberries looked, and how they tasted; and the same with the +pawpaws, the hazelnuts and the persimmons; and I can feel the thumping +rain, upon my head, of hickory-nuts and walnuts when we were out in the +frosty dawn to scramble for them with the pigs, and the gusts of wind +loosed them and sent them down. I know the stain of blackberries, and +how pretty it is; and I know the stain of walnut hulls, and how little +it minds soap and water; also what grudged experience it had of either +of them. I know the taste of maple sap, and when to gather it, and how +to arrange the troughs and the delivery tubes, and how to boil down the +juice, and how to hook the sugar after it is made; also how much better +hooked sugar tastes than any that is honestly come by, let bigots say +what they will. I know how a prize watermelon looks when it is sunning +its fat rotundity among pumpkin-vines and "simblins"; I know how to tell +when it is ripe without "plugging" it; I know how inviting it looks when +it is cooling itself in a tub of water under the bed, waiting; I know +how it looks when it lies on the table in the sheltered great +floor-space between house and kitchen, and the children gathered for the +sacrifice and their mouths watering; I know the crackling sound it makes +when the carving-knife enters its end, and I can see the split fly along +in front of the blade as the knife cleaves its way to the other end; I +can see its halves fall apart and display the rich red meat and the +black seeds, and the heart standing up, a luxury fit for the elect; I +know how a boy looks, behind a yard-long slice of that melon, and I know +how he feels; for I have been there. I know the taste of the watermelon +which has been honestly come by, and I know the taste of the watermelon +which has been acquired by art. Both taste good, but the experienced +know which tastes best. I know the look of green apples and peaches and +pears on the trees, and I know how entertaining they are when they are +inside of a person. I know how ripe ones look when they are piled in +pyramids under the trees, and how pretty they are and how vivid their +colors. I know how a frozen apple looks, in a barrel down cellar in the +winter-time, and how hard it is to bite, and how the frost makes the +teeth ache, and yet how good it is, notwithstanding. I know the +disposition of elderly people to select the specked apples for the +children, and I once knew ways to beat the game. I know the look of an +apple that is roasting and sizzling on a hearth on a winter's evening, +and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some +sugar and a drench of cream. I know the delicate art and mystery of so +cracking hickory-nuts and walnuts on a flatiron with a hammer that the +kernels will be delivered whole, and I know how the nuts, taken in +conjunction with winter apples, cider and doughnuts, make old people's +tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting, and juggle an +evening away before you know what went with the time. I know the look of +Uncle Dan'l's kitchen as it was on privileged nights when I was a child, +and I can see the white and black children grouped on the hearth, with +the firelight playing on their faces and the shadows flickering upon the +walls, clear back toward the cavernous gloom of the rear, and I can hear +Uncle Dan'l telling the immortal tales which Uncle Remus Harris was to +gather into his books and charm the world with, by and by; and I can +feel again the creepy joy which quivered through me when the time for +the ghost-story of the "Golden Arm" was reached--and the sense of +regret, too, which came over me, for it was always the last story of the +evening, and there was nothing between it and the unwelcome bed. + +I can remember the bare wooden stairway in my uncle's house, and the +turn to the left above the landing, and the rafters and the slanting +roof over my bed, and the squares of moonlight on the floor, and the +white cold world of snow outside, seen through the curtainless window. +I can remember the howling of the wind and the quaking of the house on +stormy nights, and how snug and cozy one felt, under the blankets, +listening, and how the powdery snow used to sift in, around the sashes, +and lie in little ridges on the floor, and make the place look chilly in +the morning, and curb the wild desire to get up--in case there was any. +I can remember how very dark that room was, in the dark of the moon, and +how packed it was with ghostly stillness when one woke up by accident +away in the night, and forgotten sins came flocking out of the secret +chambers of the memory and wanted a hearing; and how ill chosen the time +seemed for this kind of business; and how dismal was the hoo-hooing of +the owl and the wailing of the wolf, sent mourning by on the night wind. + +I remember the raging of the rain on that roof, summer nights, and how +pleasant it was to lie and listen to it, and enjoy the white splendor of +the lightning and the majestic booming and crashing of the thunder. It +was a very satisfactory room; and there was a lightning-rod which was +reachable from the window, an adorable and skittish thing to climb up +and down, summer nights, when there were duties on hand of a sort to +make privacy desirable. + +I remember the 'coon and 'possum hunts, nights, with the negroes, and +the long marches through the black gloom of the woods, and the +excitement which fired everybody when the distant bay of an experienced +dog announced that the game was treed; then the wild scramblings and +stumblings through briars and bushes and over roots to get to the spot; +then the lighting of a fire and the felling of the tree, the joyful +frenzy of the dogs and the negroes, and the weird picture it all made in +the red glare--I remember it all well, and the delight that every one +got out of it, except the 'coon. + +I remember the pigeon seasons, when the birds would come in millions, +and cover the trees, and by their weight break down the branches. They +were clubbed to death with sticks; guns were not necessary, and were not +used. I remember the squirrel hunts, and the prairie-chicken hunts, and +the wild-turkey hunts, and all that; and how we turned out, mornings, +while it was still dark, to go on these expeditions, and how chilly and +dismal it was, and how often I regretted that I was well enough to go. A +toot on a tin horn brought twice as many dogs as were needed, and in +their happiness they raced and scampered about, and knocked small people +down, and made no end of unnecessary noise. At the word, they vanished +away toward the woods, and we drifted silently after them in the +melancholy gloom. But presently the gray dawn stole over the world, the +birds piped up, then the sun rose and poured light and comfort all +around, everything was fresh and dewy and fragrant, and life was a boon +again. After three hours of tramping we arrived back wholesomely tired, +overladen with game, very hungry, and just in time for breakfast. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[6] 100,000 acres. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXI. + +MARCH 15, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XIV. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[_Dictated Thursday, December 6, 1906._] + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + _Feb. 27, Sunday._ + + Clara's reputation as a baby was always a fine one, mine exactly + the contrary. One often related story concerning her braveness as a + baby and her own opinion of this quality of hers is this. Clara and + I often got slivers in our hands and when mama took them out with a + much dreaded needle, Clara was always very brave, and I very + cowardly. One day Clara got one of these slivers in her hand, a + very bad one, and while mama was taking it out, Clara stood + perfectly still without even wincing: I saw how brave she was and + turning to mamma said "Mamma isn't she a brave little thing!" + presently mamma had to give the little hand quite a dig with the + needle and noticing how perfectly quiet Clara was about it she + exclaimed, Why Clara! you are a brave little thing! Clara responded + "No bodys braver but God!"-- + + +Clara's pious remark is the main detail, and Susy has accurately +remembered its phrasing. The three-year-older's wound was of a +formidable sort, and not one which the mother's surgery would have been +equal to. The flesh of the finger had been burst by a cruel accident. It +was the doctor that sewed it up, and to all appearances it was he, and +the other independent witnesses, that did the main part of the +suffering; each stitch that he took made Clara wince slightly, but it +shrivelled the others. + +I take pride in Clara's remark, because it shows that although she was +only three years old, her fireside teachings were already making her a +thinker--a thinker and also an observer of proportions. I am not +claiming any credit for this. I furnished to the children worldly +knowledge and wisdom, but was not competent to go higher, and so I left +their spiritual education in the hands of the mother. A result of this +modesty of mine was made manifest to me in a very striking way, some +years afterward, when Jean was nine years old. We had recently arrived +in Berlin, at the time, and had begun housekeeping in a furnished +apartment. One morning at breakfast a vast card arrived--an invitation. +To be precise, it was a command from the Emperor of Germany to come to +dinner. During several months I had encountered socially, on the +Continent, men bearing lofty titles; and all this while Jean was +becoming more and more impressed, and awed, and subdued, by these +imposing events, for she had not been abroad before, and they were new +to her--wonders out of dreamland turned into realities. The imperial +card was passed from hand to hand, around the table, and examined with +interest; when it reached Jean she exhibited excitement and emotion, but +for a time was quite speechless; then she said, + +"Why, papa, if it keeps going on like this, pretty soon there won't be +anybody left for you to get acquainted with but God." + +It was not complimentary to think I was not acquainted in that quarter, +but she was young, and the young jump to conclusions without reflection. + +Necessarily, I did myself the honor to obey the command of the Emperor +Wilhelm II. Prince Heinrich, and six or eight other guests were +present. The Emperor did most of the talking, and he talked well, and in +faultless English. In both of these conspicuousnesses I was gratified to +recognize a resemblance to myself--a very exact resemblance; no, almost +exact, but not quite that--a modified exactness, with the advantage in +favor of the Emperor. My English, like his, is nearly faultless; like +him I talk well; and when I have guests at dinner I prefer to do all the +talking myself. It is the best way, and the pleasantest. Also the most +profitable for the others. + +I was greatly pleased to perceive that his Majesty was familiar with my +books, and that his attitude toward them was not uncomplimentary. In the +course of his talk he said that my best and most valuable book was "Old +Times on the Mississippi." I will refer to that remark again, presently. + +An official who was well up in the Foreign Office at that time, and had +served under Bismarck for fourteen years, was still occupying his old +place under Chancellor Caprivi. Smith, I will call him of whom I am +speaking, though that is not his name. He was a special friend of mine, +and I greatly enjoyed his society, although in order to have it it was +necessary for me to seek it as late as midnight, and not earlier. This +was because Government officials of his rank had to work all day, after +nine in the morning, and then attend official banquets in the evening; +wherefore they were usually unable to get life-restoring fresh air and +exercise for their jaded minds and bodies earlier than midnight; then +they turned out, in groups of two or three, and gratefully and violently +tramped the deserted streets until two in the morning. Smith had been in +the Government service, at home and abroad, for more than thirty years, +and he was now sixty years old, or close upon it. He could not remember +a year in which he had had a vacation of more than a fortnight's length; +he was weary all through to the bones and the marrow, now, and was +yearning for a holiday of a whole three months--yearning so longingly +and so poignantly that he had at last made up his mind to make a +desperate cast for it and stand the consequences, whatever they might +be. It was against all rules to _ask_ for a vacation--quite against all +etiquette; the shock of it would paralyze the Chancellery; stem +etiquette and usage required another form: the applicant was not +privileged to ask for a vacation, he must send in his _resignation_. The +chancellor would know that the applicant was not really trying to +resign, and didn't want to resign, but was merely trying in this +left-handed way to get a vacation. + +The night before the Emperor's dinner I helped Smith take his exercise, +after midnight, and he was full of his project. He had sent in his +resignation that day, and was trembling for the result; and naturally, +because it might possibly be that the chancellor would be happy to fill +his place with somebody else, in which case he could accept the +resignation without comment and without offence. Smith was in a very +anxious frame of mind; not that he feared that Caprivi was dissatisfied +with him, for he had no such fear; it was the Emperor that he was afraid +of; he did not know how he stood with the Emperor. He said that while +apparently it was Caprivi who would decide his case, it was in reality +the Emperor who would perform that service; that the Emperor kept +personal watch upon everything, and that no official sparrow could fall +to the ground without his privity and consent; that the resignation +would be laid before his Majesty, who would accept it or decline to +accept it, according to his pleasure, and that then his pleasure in the +matter would be communicated by Caprivi. Smith said he would know his +fate the next evening, after the imperial dinner; that when I should +escort his Majesty into the large salon contiguous to the dining-room, I +would find there about thirty men--Cabinet ministers, admirals, generals +and other great officials of the Empire--and that these men would be +standing talking together in little separate groups of two or three +persons; that the Emperor would move from group to group and say a word +to each, sometimes two words, sometimes ten words; and that the length +of his speech, whether brief or not so brief, would indicate the exact +standing in the Emperor's regard, of the man accosted; and that by +observing this thermometer an expert could tell, to half a degree, the +state of the imperial weather in each case; that in Berlin, as in the +imperial days of Rome, the Emperor was the sun, and that his smile or +his frown meant good fortune or disaster to the man upon whom it should +fall. Smith suggested that I watch the thermometer while the Emperor +went his rounds of the groups; and added that if his Majesty talked four +minutes with any person there present, it meant high favor, and that the +sun was in the zenith, and cloudless, for that man. + +I mentally recorded that four-minute altitude, and resolved to see if +any man there on that night stood in sufficient favor to achieve it. + +Very well. After the dinner I watched the Emperor while he passed from +group to group, and privately I timed him with a watch. Two or three +times he came near to reaching the four-minute altitude, but always he +fell short a little. The last man he came to was Smith. He put his hand +on Smith's shoulder and began to talk to him; and when he finished, the +thermometer had scored seven minutes! The company then moved toward the +smoking-room, where cigars, beer and anecdotes would be in brisk service +until midnight, and as Smith passed me he whispered, + +"That settles it. The chancellor will ask me how much of a vacation I +want, and I sha'n't be afraid to raise the limit. I shall call for six +months." + +[Sidenote: (1891)] + +[Sidenote: (1899)] + +Smith's dream had been to spend his three months' vacation--in case he +got a vacation instead of the other thing--in one of the great capitals +of the Continent--a capital whose name I shall suppress, at present. The +next day the chancellor asked him how much of a vacation he wanted, and +where he desired to spend it. Smith told him. His prayer was granted, +and rather more than granted. The chancellor augmented his salary and +attached him to the German Embassy of that selected capital, giving him +a place of high dignity bearing an imposing title, and with nothing to +do except attend banquets of an extraordinary character at the Embassy, +once or twice a year. The term of his vacation was not specified; he was +to continue it until requested to come back to his work in the Foreign +Office. This was in 1891. Eight years later Smith was passing through +Vienna, and he called upon me. There had been no interruption of his +vacation, as yet, and there was no likelihood that an interruption of it +would occur while he should still be among the living. + +[_Dictated Monday, December 17, 1906._] As I have already remarked, "Old +Times on the Mississippi" got the Kaiser's best praise. It was after +midnight when I reached home; I was usually out until toward midnight, +and the pleasure of being out late was poisoned, every night, by the +dread of what I must meet at my front door--an indignant face, a +resentful face, the face of the _portier_. The _portier_ was a +tow-headed young German, twenty-two or three years old; and it had been +for some time apparent to me that he did not enjoy being hammered out of +his sleep, nights, to let me in. He never had a kind word for me, nor a +pleasant look. I couldn't understand it, since it was his business to be +on watch and let the occupants of the several flats in at any and all +hours of the night. I could not see why he so distinctly failed to get +reconciled to it. + +The fact is, I was ignorantly violating, every night, a custom in which +he was commercially interested. I did not suspect this. No one had told +me of the custom, and if I had been left to guess it, it would have +taken me a very long time to make a success of it. It was a custom which +was so well established and so universally recognized, that it had all +the force and dignity of law. By authority of this custom, whosoever +entered a Berlin house after ten at night must pay a trifling toll to +the _portier_ for breaking his sleep to let him in. This tax was either +two and a half cents or five cents, I don't remember which; but I had +never paid it, and didn't know I owed it, and as I had been residing in +Berlin several weeks, I was so far in arrears that my presence in the +German capital was getting to be a serious disaster to that young +fellow. + +I arrived from the imperial dinner sorrowful and anxious, made my +presence known and prepared myself to wait in patience the tedious +minute or two which the _portier_ usually allowed himself to keep me +tarrying--as a punishment. But this time there was no stage-wait; the +door was instantly unlocked, unbolted, unchained and flung wide; and in +it appeared the strange and welcome apparition of the _portier's_ round +face all sunshine and smiles and welcome, in place of the black frowns +and hostility that I was expecting. Plainly he had not come out of his +bed: he had been waiting for me, watching for me. He began to pour out +upon me in the most enthusiastic and energetic way a generous stream of +German welcome and homage, meanwhile dragging me excitedly to his small +bedroom beside the front door; there he made me bend down over a row of +German translations of my books and said, + +"There--you wrote them! I have found it out! By God, I did not know it +before, and I ask a million pardons! That one there, the 'Old Times on +the Mississippi,' is the best book you ever wrote!" + +The usual number of those curious accidents which we call coincidences +have fallen to my share in this life, but for picturesqueness this one +puts all the others in the shade: that a crowned head and a _portier_, +the very top of an empire and the very bottom of it, should pass the +very same criticism and deliver the very same verdict upon a book of +mine--and almost in the same hour and the same breath--is a coincidence +which out-coincidences any coincidence which I could have imagined with +such powers of imagination as I have been favored with; and I have not +been accustomed to regard them as being small or of an inferior quality. +It is always a satisfaction to me to remember that whereas I do not +know, for sure, what any other nation thinks of any one of my +twenty-three volumes, I do at least know for a certainty what one nation +of fifty millions thinks of one of them, at any rate; for if the mutual +verdict of the top of an empire and the bottom of it does not establish +for good and all the judgment of the entire nation concerning that book, +then the axiom that we can get a sure estimate of a thing by arriving at +a general average of all the opinions involved, is a fallacy. + +[_Dictated Monday, February 10, 1907._] Two months ago (December 6) I +was dictating a brief account of a private dinner in Berlin, where the +Emperor of Germany was host and I the chief guest. Something happened +day before yesterday which moves me to take up that matter again. + +At the dinner his Majesty chatted briskly and entertainingly along in +easy and flowing English, and now and then he interrupted himself to +address a remark to me, or to some other individual of the guests. When +the reply had been delivered, he resumed his talk. I noticed that the +table etiquette tallied with that which was the law of my house at home +when we had guests: that is to say, the guests answered when the host +favored them with a remark, and then quieted down and behaved themselves +until they got another chance. If I had been in the Emperor's chair and +he in mine, I should have felt infinitely comfortable and at home, and +should have done a world of talking, and done it well; but I was guest +now, and consequently I felt less at home. From old experience, I was +familiar with the rules of the game, and familiar with their exercise +from the high place of host; but I was not familiar with the trammelled +and less satisfactory position of guest, therefore I felt a little +strange and out of place. But there was no animosity--no, the Emperor +was host, therefore according to my own rule he had a right to do the +talking, and it was my honorable duty to intrude no interruptions or +other improvements, except upon invitation; and of course it could be +_my_ turn some day: some day, on some friendly visit of inspection to +America, it might be my pleasure and distinction to have him as guest at +my table; then I would give him a rest, and a remarkably quiet time. + +In one way there was a difference between his table and mine--for +instance, atmosphere; the guests stood in awe of him, and naturally they +conferred that feeling upon me, for, after all, I am only human, +although I regret it. When a guest answered a question he did it with +deferential voice and manner; he did not put any emotion into it, and he +did not spin it out, but got it out of his system as quickly as he +could, and then looked relieved. The Emperor was used to this +atmosphere, and it did not chill his blood; maybe it was an inspiration +to him, for he was alert, brilliant and full of animation; also he was +most gracefully and felicitously complimentary to my books,--and I will +remark here that the happy phrasing of a compliment is one of the rarest +of human gifts, and the happy delivery of it another. In that other +chapter I mentioned the high compliment which he paid to the book, "Old +Times on the Mississippi," but there were others; among them some +gratifying praise of my description in "A Tramp Abroad" of certain +striking phases of German student life. I mention these things here +because I shall have occasion to hark back to them presently. + +[_Dictated Tuesday, February 12, 1907._] + + * * * * * + +Those stars indicate the long chapter which I dictated yesterday, a +chapter which is much too long for magazine purposes, and therefore must +wait until this Autobiography shall appear in book form, five years +hence, when I am dead: five years according to my calculation, +twenty-seven years according to the prediction furnished me a week ago +by the latest and most confident of all the palmists who have ever read +my future in my hand. The Emperor's dinner, and its beer-and-anecdote +appendix, covered six hours of diligent industry, and this accounts for +the extraordinary length of that chapter. + +A couple of days ago a gentleman called upon me with a message. He had +just arrived from Berlin, where he had been acting for our Government in +a matter concerning tariff revision, he being a member of the commission +appointed by our Government to conduct our share of the affair. Upon the +completion of the commission's labors, the Emperor invited the members +of it to an audience, and in the course of the conversation he made a +reference to me; continuing, he spoke of my chapter on the German +language in "A Tramp Abroad," and characterized it by an adjective which +is too complimentary for me to repeat here without bringing my modesty +under suspicion. Then he paid some compliments to "The Innocents +Abroad," and followed these with the remark that my account in one of my +books of certain striking phases of German student life was the best and +truest that had ever been written. By this I perceive that he remembers +that dinner of sixteen years ago, for he said the same thing to me about +the student-chapter at that time. Next he said he wished this gentleman +to convey two messages to America from him and deliver them--one to the +President, the other to me. The wording of the message to me was: + +"Convey to Mr. Clemens my kindest regards. Ask him if he remembers that +dinner, and ask him why he didn't do any talking." + +Why, how could I talk when he was talking? He "held the age," as the +poker-clergy say, and two can't talk at the same time with good effect. +It reminds me of the man who was reproached by a friend, who said, + +"I think it a shame that you have not spoken to your wife for fifteen +years. How do you explain it? How do you justify it?" + +That poor man said, + +"I didn't want to interrupt her." + +If the Emperor had been at my table, he would not have suffered from my +silence, he would only have suffered from the sorrows of his own +solitude. If I were not too old to travel, I would go to Berlin and +introduce the etiquette of my own table, which tallies with the +etiquette observable at other royal tables. I would say, "Invite me +again, your Majesty, and give me a chance"; then I would courteously +waive rank and do all the talking myself. I thank his Majesty for his +kind message, and am proud to have it and glad to express my sincere +reciprocation of its sentiments. + +[_Dictated January 17, 1906._] ... Rev. Joseph T. Harris and I have been +visiting General Sickles. Once, twenty or twenty-five years ago, just as +Harris was coming out of his gate Sunday morning to walk to his church +and preach, a telegram was put into his hand. He read it immediately, +and then, in a manner, collapsed. It said: "General Sickles died last +night at midnight." [He had been a chaplain under Sickles through the +war.] + +[Sidenote: (1880.)] + +It wasn't so. But no matter--it was so to Harris at the time. He walked +along--walked to the church--but his mind was far away. All his +affection and homage and worship of his General had come to the fore. +His heart was full of these emotions. He hardly knew where he was. In +his pulpit, he stood up and began the service, but with a voice over +which he had almost no command. The congregation had never seen him thus +moved, before, in his pulpit. They sat there and gazed at him and +wondered what was the matter; because he was now reading, in this broken +voice and with occasional tears trickling down his face, what to them +seemed a quite unemotional chapter--that one about Moses begat Aaron, +and Aaron begat Deuteronomy, and Deuteronomy begat St. Peter, and St. +Peter begat Cain, and Cain begat Abel--and he was going along with this, +and half crying--his voice continually breaking. The congregation left +the church that morning without being able to account for this most +extraordinary thing--as it seemed to them. That a man who had been a +soldier for more than four years, and who had preached in that pulpit so +many, many times on really moving subjects, without even the quiver of a +lip, should break all down over the Begats, they couldn't understand. +But there it is--any one can see how such a mystery as that would arouse +the curiosity of those people to the boiling-point. + +Harris has had many adventures. He has more adventures in a year than +anybody else has in five. One Saturday night he noticed a bottle on his +uncle's dressing-bureau. He thought the label said "Hair Restorer," and +he took it in his room and gave his head a good drenching and sousing +with it and carried it back and thought no more about it. Next morning +when he got up his head was a bright green! He sent around everywhere +and couldn't get a substitute preacher, so he had to go to his church +himself and preach--and he did it. He hadn't a sermon in his barrel--as +it happened--of any lightsome character, so he had to preach a very +grave one--a very serious one--and it made the matter worse. The gravity +of the sermon did not harmonize with the gayety of his head, and the +people sat all through it with handkerchiefs stuffed in their mouths to +try to keep down their joy. And Harris told me that he was sure he never +had seen his congregation--the whole body of his congregation--the +_entire_ body of his congregation--absorbed in interest in his sermon, +from beginning to end, before. Always there had been an aspect of +indifference, here and there, or wandering, somewhere; but this time +there was nothing of the kind. Those people sat there as if they +thought, "Good for this day and train only: we must have all there is of +this show, not waste any of it." And he said that when he came down out +of the pulpit more people waited to shake him by the hand and tell him +what a good sermon it was, than ever before. And it seemed a pity that +these people should do these fictions in such a place--right in the +church--when it was quite plain they were not interested in the sermon +at all; they only wanted to get a near view of his head. + +Well, Harris said--no, Harris didn't say, _I_ say, that as the days went +on and Sunday followed Sunday, the interest in Harris's hair grew and +grew; because it didn't stay merely and monotonously green, it took on +deeper and deeper shades of green; and then it would change and become +reddish, and would go from that to some other color--purplish, +yellowish, bluish, and so on--but it was never a solid color. It was +always mottled. And each Sunday it was a little more interesting than it +was the Sunday before--and Harris's head became famous, and people came +from New York, and Boston, and South Carolina, and Japan, and so on, to +look. There wasn't seating-capacity for all the people that came while +his head was undergoing these various and fascinating mottlings. And it +was a good thing in several ways, because the business had been +languishing a little, and now a lot of people joined the church so that +they could have the show, and it was the beginning of a prosperity for +that church which has never diminished in all these years. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXII. + +APRIL 5, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XV. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + +[_Dictated October 8, 1906._] + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + Papa says that if the collera comes here he will take Sour Mash to + the mountains. + + +[Sidenote: (1885.)] + +This remark about the cat is followed by various entries, covering a +month, in which Jean, General Grant, the sculptor Gerhardt, Mrs. Candace +Wheeler, Miss Dora Wheeler, Mr. Frank Stockton, Mrs. Mary Mapes Dodge, +and the widow of General Custer appear and drift in procession across +the page, then vanish forever from the Biography; then Susy drops this +remark in the wake of the vanished procession: + + + Sour Mash is a constant source of anxiety, care, and pleasure to + papa. + + +I did, in truth, think a great deal of that old tortoise-shell harlot; +but I haven't a doubt that in order to impress Susy I was pretending +agonies of solicitude which I didn't honestly feel. Sour Mash never gave +me any real anxiety; she was always able to take care of herself, and +she was ostentatiously vain of the fact; vain of it to a degree which +often made me ashamed of her, much as I esteemed her. + +Many persons would like to have the society of cats during the summer +vacation in the country, but they deny themselves this pleasure because +they think they must either take the cats along when they return to the +city, where they would be a trouble and an encumbrance, or leave them in +the country, houseless and homeless. These people have no ingenuity, no +invention, no wisdom; or it would occur to them to do as I do: rent cats +by the month for the summer and return them to their good homes at the +end of it. Early last May I rented a kitten of a farmer's wife, by the +month; then I got a discount by taking three. They have been good +company for about five months now, and are still kittens--at least they +have not grown much, and to all intents and purposes are still kittens, +and as full of romping energy and enthusiasm as they were in the +beginning. This is remarkable. I am an expert in cats, but I have not +seen a kitten keep its kittenhood nearly so long before. + +These are beautiful creatures--these triplets. Two of them wear the +blackest and shiniest and thickest of sealskin vestments all over their +bodies except the lower half of their faces and the terminations of +their paws. The black masks reach down below the eyes, therefore when +the eyes are closed they are not visible; the rest of the face, and the +gloves and stockings, are snow white. These markings are just the same +on both cats--so exactly the same that when you call one the other is +likely to answer, because they cannot tell each other apart. Since the +cats are precisely alike, and can't be told apart by any of us, they do +not need two names, so they have but one between them. We call both of +them Sackcloth, and we call the gray one Ashes. I believe I have never +seen such intelligent cats as these before. They are full of the nicest +discriminations. When I read German aloud they weep; you can see the +tears run down. It shows what pathos there is in the German tongue. I +had not noticed before that all German is pathetic, no matter what the +subject is nor how it is treated. It was these humble observers that +brought the knowledge to me. I have tried all kinds of German on these +cats; romance, poetry, philosophy, theology, market reports; and the +result has always been the same--the cats sob, and let the tears run +down, which shows that all German is pathetic. French is not a familiar +tongue to me, and the pronunciation is difficult, and comes out of me +encumbered with a Missouri accent; but the cats like it, and when I make +impassioned speeches in that language they sit in a row and put up their +paws, palm to palm, and frantically give thanks. Hardly any cats are +affected by music, but these are; when I sing they go reverently away, +showing how deeply they feel it. Sour Mash never cared for these things. +She had many noble qualities, but at bottom she was not refined, and +cared little or nothing for theology and the arts. + +It is a pity to say it, but these cats are not above the grade of human +beings, for I know by certain signs that they are not sincere in their +exhibitions of emotion, but exhibit them merely to show off and attract +attention--conduct which is distinctly human, yet with a difference: +they do not know enough to conceal their desire to show off, but the +grown human being does. What is ambition? It is only the desire to be +conspicuous. The desire for fame is only the desire to be continuously +conspicuous and attract attention and be talked about. + +These cats are like human beings in another way: when Ashes began to +work his fictitious emotions, and show off, the other members of the +firm followed suit, in order to be in the fashion. That is the way with +human beings; they are afraid to be outside; whatever the fashion +happens to be, they conform to it, whether it be a pleasant fashion or +the reverse, they lacking the courage to ignore it and go their own way. +All human beings would like to dress in loose and comfortable and highly +colored and showy garments, and they had their desire until a century +ago, when a king, or some other influential ass, introduced sombre hues +and discomfort and ugly designs into masculine clothing. The meek public +surrendered to the outrage, and by consequence we are in that odious +captivity to-day, and are likely to remain in it for a long time to +come. + +Fortunately the women were not included in the disaster, and so their +graces and their beauty still have the enhancing help of delicate +fabrics and varied and beautiful colors. Their clothing makes a great +opera audience an enchanting spectacle, a delight to the eye and the +spirit, a Garden of Eden for charm and color. The men, clothed in dismal +black, are scattered here and there and everywhere over the Garden, like +so many charred stumps, and they damage the effect, but cannot +annihilate it. + +In summer we poor creatures have a respite, and may clothe ourselves in +white garments; loose, soft, and in some degree shapely; but in the +winter--the sombre winter, the depressing winter, the cheerless winter, +when white clothes and bright colors are especially needed to brighten +our spirits and lift them up--we all conform to the prevailing insanity, +and go about in dreary black, each man doing it because the others do +it, and not because he wants to. They are really no sincerer than +Sackcloth and Ashes. At bottom the Sackcloths do not care to exhibit +their emotions when I am performing before them, they only do it because +Ashes started it. + +I would like to dress in a loose and flowing costume made all of silks +and velvets, resplendent with all the stunning dyes of the rainbow, and +so would every sane man I have ever known; but none of us dares to +venture it. There is such a thing as carrying conspicuousness to the +point of discomfort; and if I should appear on Fifth Avenue on a Sunday +morning, at church-time, clothed as I would like to be clothed, the +churches would be vacant, and I should have all the congregations +tagging after me, to look, and secretly envy, and publicly scoff. It is +the way human beings are made; they are always keeping their real +feelings shut up inside, and publicly exploiting their fictitious ones. + +Next after fine colors, I like plain white. One of my sorrows, when the +summer ends, is that I must put off my cheery and comfortable white +clothes and enter for the winter into the depressing captivity of the +shapeless and degrading black ones. It is mid-October now, and the +weather is growing cold up here in the New Hampshire hills, but it will +not succeed in freezing me out of these white garments, for here the +neighbors are few, and it is only of crowds that I am afraid. I made a +brave experiment, the other night, to see how it would feel to shock a +crowd with these unseasonable clothes, and also to see how long it might +take the crowd to reconcile itself to them and stop looking astonished +and outraged. On a stormy evening I made a talk before a full house, in +the village, clothed like a ghost, and looking as conspicuously, all +solitary and alone on that platform, as any ghost could have looked; and +I found, to my gratification, that it took the house less than ten +minutes to forget about the ghost and give its attention to the tidings +I had brought. + +I am nearly seventy-one, and I recognize that my age has given me a good +many privileges; valuable privileges; privileges which are not granted +to younger persons. Little by little I hope to get together courage +enough to wear white clothes all through the winter, in New York. It +will be a great satisfaction to me to show off in this way; and perhaps +the largest of all the satisfactions will be the knowledge that every +scoffer, of my sex, will secretly envy me and wish he dared to follow my +lead. + +That mention that I have acquired new and great privileges by grace of +my age, is not an uncalculated remark. When I passed the seventieth +mile-stone, ten months ago, I instantly realized that I had entered a +new country and a new atmosphere. To all the public I was become +recognizably old, undeniably old; and from that moment everybody assumed +a new attitude toward me--the reverent attitude granted by custom to +age--and straightway the stream of generous new privileges began to flow +in upon me and refresh my life. Since then, I have lived an ideal +existence; and I now believe what Choate said last March, and which at +the time I didn't credit: that the best of life begins at seventy; for +then your work is done; you know that you have done your best, let the +quality of the work be what it may; that you have earned your holiday--a +holiday of peace and contentment--and that thenceforth, to the setting +of your sun, nothing will break it, nothing interrupt it. + +[_Dictated January 22, 1907._] In an earlier chapter I inserted some +verses beginning "Love Came at Dawn" which had been found among Susy's +papers after her death. I was not able to say that they were hers, but I +judged that they might be, for the reason that she had not enclosed them +in quotation marks according to her habit when storing up treasures +gathered from other people. Stedman was not able to determine the +authorship for me, as the verses were new to him, but the authorship has +now been traced. The verses were written by William Wilfred Campbell, a +Canadian poet, and they form a part of the contents of his book called +"Beyond the Hills of Dream." + +The authorship of the beautiful lines which my wife and I inscribed upon +Susy's gravestone was untraceable for a time. We had found them in a +book in India, but had lost the book and with it the author's name. But +in time an application to the editor of "Notes and Queries" furnished me +the author's name,[7] and it has been added to the verses upon the +gravestone. + +Last night, at a dinner-party where I was present, Mr. Peter Dunne +Dooley handed to the host several dollars, in satisfaction of a lost +bet. I seemed to see an opportunity to better my condition, and I +invited Dooley, apparently disinterestedly, to come to my house Friday +and play billiards. He accepted, and I judge that there is going to be a +deficit in the Dooley treasury as a result. In great qualities of the +heart and brain, Dooley is gifted beyond all propriety. He is brilliant; +he is an expert with his pen, and he easily stands at the head of all +the satirists of this generation--but he is going to walk in darkness +Friday afternoon. It will be a fraternal kindness to teach him that with +all his light and culture, he does not know all the valuable things; and +it will also be a fraternal kindness to him to complete his education +for him--and I shall do this on Friday, and send him home in that +perfected condition. + +I possess a billiard secret which can be valuable to the Dooley sept, +after I shall have conferred it upon Dooley--for a consideration. It is +a discovery which I made by accident, thirty-eight years ago, in my +father-in-law's house in Elmira. There was a scarred and battered and +ancient billiard-table in the garret, and along with it a peck of +checked and chipped balls, and a rackful of crooked and headless cues. I +played solitaire up there every day with that difficult outfit. The +table was not level, but slanted sharply to the southeast; there wasn't +a ball that was round, or would complete the journey you started it on, +but would always get tired and stop half-way and settle, with a jolty +wabble, to a standstill on its chipped side. I tried making counts with +four balls, but found it difficult and discouraging, so I added a fifth +ball, then a sixth, then a seventh, and kept on adding until at last I +had twelve balls on the table and a thirteenth to play with. My game was +caroms--caroms solely--caroms plain, or caroms with cushion to +help--anything that could furnish a count. In the course of time I found +to my astonishment that I was never able to run fifteen, under any +circumstances. By huddling the balls advantageously in the beginning, I +could now and then coax fourteen out of them, but I couldn't reach +fifteen by either luck or skill. Sometimes the balls would get scattered +into difficult positions and defeat me in that way; sometimes if I +managed to keep them together, I would freeze; and always when I froze, +and had to play away from the contact, there was sure to be nothing to +play at but a wide and uninhabited vacancy. + +One day Mr. Dalton called on my brother-in-law, on a matter of business, +and I was asked if I could entertain him awhile, until my brother-in-law +should finish an engagement with another gentleman. I said I could, and +took him up to the billiard-table. I had played with him many times at +the club, and knew that he could play billiards tolerably well--only +tolerably well--but not any better than I could. He and I were just a +match. He didn't know our table; he didn't know those balls; he didn't +know those warped and headless cues; he didn't know the southeastern +slant of the table, and how to allow for it. I judged it would be safe +and profitable to offer him a bet on my scheme. I emptied the avalanche +of thirteen balls on the table and said: + +"Take a ball and begin, Mr. Dalton. How many can you run with an outlay +like that?" + +He said, with the half-affronted air of a mathematician who has been +asked how much of the multiplication table he can recite without a +break: + +"I suppose a million--eight hundred thousand, anyway." + +I said "You shall hove the privilege of placing the balls to suit +yourself, and I want to bet you a dollar that you can't run fifteen." + +I will not dwell upon the sequel. At the end of an hour his face was +red, and wet with perspiration; his outer garments lay scattered here +and there over the place; he was the angriest man in the State, and +there wasn't a rag or remnant of an injurious adjective left in him +anywhere--and I had all his small change. + +When the summer was over, we went home to Hartford, and one day Mr. +George Robertson arrived from Boston with two or three hours to spare +between then and the return train, and as he was a young gentleman to +whom we were in debt for much social pleasure, it was my duty, and a +welcome duty, to make his two or three hours interesting for him. So I +took him up-stairs and set up my billiard scheme for his comfort. Mine +was a good table, in perfect repair; the cues were in perfect condition; +the balls were ivory, and flawless--but I knew that Mr. Robertson was my +prey, just the same, for by exhaustive tests with this outfit I had +found that my limit was thirty-one. I had proved to my satisfaction that +whereas I could not fairly expect to get more than six or eight or a +dozen caroms out of a run, I could now and then reach twenty and +twenty-five, and after a long procession of failures finally achieve a +run of thirty-one; but in no case had I ever got beyond thirty-one. +Robertson's game, as I knew, was a little better than mine, so I +resolved to require him to make thirty-two. I believed it would +entertain him. He was one of these brisk and hearty and cheery and +self-satisfied young fellows who are brimful of confidence, and who +plunge with grateful eagerness into any enterprise that offers a showy +test of their abilities. I emptied the balls on the table and said, + +"Take a cue and a ball, George, and begin. How many caroms do you think +you can make out of that layout?" + +He laughed the laugh of the gay and the care-free, as became his youth +and inexperience, and said, + +"I can punch caroms out of that bunch a week without a break." + +I said "Place the balls to suit yourself, and begin." + +Confidence is a necessary thing in billiards, but overconfidence is bad. +George went at his task with much too much lightsomeness of spirit and +disrespect for the situation. On his first shot he scored three caroms; +on his second shot he scored four caroms; and on his third shot he +missed as simple a carom as could be devised. He was very much +astonished, and said he would not have supposed that careful play could +be needed with an acre of bunched balls in front of a person. + +He began again, and played more carefully, but still with too much +lightsomeness; he couldn't seem to learn to take the situation +seriously. He made about a dozen caroms and broke down. He was irritated +with himself now, and he thought he caught me laughing. He didn't. I do +not laugh publicly at my client when this game is going on; I only do it +inside--or save it for after the exhibition is over. But he thought he +had caught me laughing, and it increased his irritation. Of course I +knew he thought I was laughing privately--for I was experienced; they +all think that, and it has a good effect; it sharpens their annoyance +and debilitates their play. + +He made another trial and failed. Once more he was astonished; once more +he was humiliated--and as for his anger, it rose to summer-heat. He +arranged the balls again, grouping them carefully, and said he would win +this time, or die. When a client reaches this condition, it is a good +time to damage his nerve further, and this can always be done by saying +some little mocking thing or other that has the outside appearance of a +friendly remark--so I employed this art. I suggested that a bet might +tauten his nerves, and that I would offer one, but that as I did not +want it to be an expense to him, but only a help, I would make it +small--a cigar, if he were willing--a cigar that he would fail again; +not an expensive one, but a cheap native one, of the Crown Jewel breed, +such as is manufactured in Hartford for the clergy. It set him afire all +over! I could see the blue flame issue from his eyes. He said, + +"Make it a hundred!--and no Connecticut cabbage-leaf product, but +Havana, $25 the box!" + +I took him up, but said I was sorry to see him do this, because it did +not seem to me right or fair for me to rob him under our own roof, when +he had been so kind to us. He said, with energy and acrimony: + +"You take care of your own pocket, if you'll be so good, and leave me to +take care of mine." + +And he plunged at the congress of balls with a vindictiveness which was +infinitely contenting to me. He scored a failure--and began to undress. +I knew it would come to that, for he was in the condition now that Mr. +Dooley will be in at about that stage of the contest on Friday +afternoon. A clothes-rack will be provided for Mr. Dooley to hang his +things on as fast as he shall from time to time shed them. George raised +his voice four degrees and flung out the challenge-- + +"Double or quits!" + +"Done," I responded, in the gentle and compassionate voice of one who is +apparently getting sorrier and sorrier. + +There was an hour and a half of straight disaster after that, and if it +was a sin to enjoy it, it is no matter--I did enjoy it. It is half a +lifetime ago, but I enjoy it yet, every time I think of it George made +failure after failure. His fury increased with each failure as he +scored it. With each defeat he flung off one or another rag of his +raiment, and every time he started on a fresh inning he made it "double +or quits" once more. Twice he reached thirty and broke down; once he +reached thirty-one and broke down. These "nears" made him frantic, and I +believe I was never so happy in my life, except the time, a few years +later, when the Rev. J. H. Twichell and I walked to Boston and he had +the celebrated conversation with the hostler at the Inn at Ashford, +Connecticut. + +At last, when we were notified that Patrick was at the door to drive him +to his train, George owed me five thousand cigars at twenty-five cents +apiece, and I was so sorry I could have hugged him. But he shouted, + +"Give me ten minutes more!" and added stormily, "it's double or quits +again, and I'll win out free of debt or owe you ten thousand cigars, and +you'll pay the funeral expenses." + +He began on his final effort, and I believe that in all my experience +among both amateurs and experts, I have never seen a cue so carefully +handled in my lifetime as George handled his upon this intensely +interesting occasion. He got safely up to twenty-five, and then ceased +to breathe. So did I. He labored along, and added a point, another +point, still another point, and finally reached thirty-one. He stopped +there, and we took a breath. By this time the balls were scattered all +down the cushions, about a foot or two apart, and there wasn't a shot in +sight anywhere that any man might hope to make. In a burst of anger and +confessed defeat, he sent his ball flying around the table at random, +and it crotched a ball that was packed against the cushion and sprang +across to a ball against the bank on the opposite side, and counted! + +His luck had set him free, and he didn't owe me anything. He had used up +all his spare time, but we carried his clothes to the carriage, and he +dressed on his way to the station, greatly wondered at and admired by +the ladies, as he drove along--but he got his train. + +I am very fond of Mr. Dooley, and shall await his coming with +affectionate and pecuniary interest. + +_P.S. Saturday._ He has been here. Let us not talk about it. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[7] Robert Richardson, deceased, of Australia. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXIII. + +APRIL 19, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XVI. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[_Dictated January 12th, 1905._] ... But I am used to having my +statements discounted. My mother began it before I was seven years old. +Yet all through my life my facts have had a substratum of truth, and +therefore they were not without preciousness. Any person who is familiar +with me knows how to strike my average, and therefore knows how to get +at the jewel of any fact of mine and dig it out of its blue-clay matrix. +My mother knew that art. When I was seven or eight, or ten, or twelve +years old--along there--a neighbor said to her, + +"Do you ever believe anything that that boy says?" + +My mother said, + +"He is the well-spring of truth, but you can't bring up the whole well +with one bucket"--and she added, "I know his average, therefore he never +deceives me. I discount him thirty per cent. for embroidery, and what is +left is perfect and priceless truth, without a flaw in it anywhere." + +Now to make a jump of forty years, without breaking the connection: that +word "embroidery" was used again in my presence and concerning me, when +I was fifty years old, one night at Rev. Frank Goodwin's house in +Hartford, at a meeting of the Monday Evening Club. The Monday Evening +Club still exists. It was founded about forty-five years ago by that +theological giant, Rev. Dr. Bushnell, and some comrades of his, men of +large intellectual calibre and more or less distinction, local or +national. I was admitted to membership in it in the fall of 1871 and was +an active member thenceforth until I left Hartford in the summer of +1891. The membership was restricted, in those days, to eighteen-- +possibly twenty. The meetings began about the 1st of October and were +held in the private houses of the members every fortnight thereafter +throughout the cold months until the 1st of May. Usually there were a +dozen members present--sometimes as many as fifteen. There was an essay +and a discussion. The essayists followed each other in alphabetical +order through the season. The essayist could choose his own subject and +talk twenty minutes on it, from MS. or orally, according to his +preference. Then the discussion followed, and each member present was +allowed ten minutes in which to express his views. The wives of these +people were always present. It was their privilege. It was also their +privilege to keep still; they were not allowed to throw any light upon +the discussion. After the discussion there was a supper, and talk, and +cigars. This supper began at ten o'clock promptly, and the company broke +up and went away at midnight. At least they did except upon one +occasion. In my recent Birthday speech I remarked upon the fact that I +have always bought cheap cigars, and that is true. I have never bought +costly ones. + +Well, that night at the Club meeting--as I was saying--George, our +colored butler, came to me when the supper was nearly over, and I +noticed that he was pale. Normally his complexion was a clear black, and +very handsome, but now it had modified to old amber. He said: + +"Mr. Clemens, what are we going to do? There is not a cigar in the house +but those old Wheeling long nines. Can't nobody smoke them but you. They +kill at thirty yards. It is too late to telephone--we couldn't get any +cigars out from town--what can we do? Ain't it best to say nothing, and +let on that we didn't think?" + +"No," I said, "that would not be honest. Fetch out the long +nines"--which he did. + +I had just come across those "long nines" a few days or a week before. I +hadn't seen a long nine for years. When I was a cub pilot on the +Mississippi in the late '50's, I had had a great affection for them, +because they were not only--to my mind--perfect, but you could get a +basketful of them for a cent--or a dime, they didn't use cents out there +in those days. So when I saw them advertised in Hartford I sent for a +thousand at once. They came out to me in badly battered and +disreputable-looking old square pasteboard boxes, two hundred in a box. +George brought a box, which was caved in on all sides, looking the worst +it could, and began to pass them around. The conversation had been +brilliantly animated up to that moment--but now a frost fell upon the +company. That is to say, not all of a sudden, but the frost fell upon +each man as he took up a cigar and held it poised in the air--and there, +in the middle, his sentence broke off. That kind of thing went on all +around the table, until when George had completed his crime the whole +place was full of a thick solemnity and silence. + +Those men began to light the cigars. Rev. Dr. Parker was the first man +to light. He took three or four heroic whiffs--then gave it up. He got +up with the remark that he had to go to the bedside of a sick +parishioner. He started out. Rev. Dr. Burton was the next man. He took +only one whiff, and followed Parker. He furnished a pretext, and you +could see by the sound of his voice that he didn't think much of the +pretext, and was vexed with Parker for getting in ahead with a +fictitious ailing client. Rev. Mr. Twichell followed, and said he had to +go now because he must take the midnight train for Boston. Boston was +the first place that occurred to him, I suppose. + +It was only a quarter to eleven when they began to distribute pretexts. +At ten minutes to eleven all those people were out of the house. When +nobody was left but George and me I was cheerful--I had no compunctions +of conscience, no griefs of any kind. But George was beyond speech, +because he held the honor and credit of the family above his own, and he +was ashamed that this smirch had been put upon it. I told him to go to +bed and try to sleep it off. I went to bed myself. At breakfast in the +morning when George was passing a cup of coffee, I saw it tremble in his +hand. I knew by that sign that there was something on his mind. He +brought the cup to me and asked impressively, + +"Mr. Clemens, how far is it from the front door to the upper gate?" + +I said, "It is a hundred and twenty-five steps." + +He said, "Mr. Clemens, you can start at the front door and you can go +plumb to the upper gate and tread on one of them cigars every time." + +It wasn't true in detail, but in essentials it was. + +The subject under discussion on the night in question was Dreams. The +talk passed from mouth to mouth in the usual serene way. + +I do not now remember what form my views concerning dreams took at the +time. I don't remember now what my notion about dreams was then, but I +do remember telling a dream by way of illustrating some detail of my +speech, and I also remember that when I had finished it Rev. Dr. Burton +made that doubting remark which contained that word I have already +spoken of as having been uttered by my mother, in some such connection, +forty or fifty years before. I was probably engaged in trying to make +those people believe that now and then, by some accident, or otherwise, +a dream which was prophetic turned up in the dreamer's mind. The date of +my memorable dream was about the beginning of May, 1858. It was a +remarkable dream, and I had been telling it several times every year for +more than fifteen years--and now I was telling it again, here in the +club. + +In 1858 I was a steersman on board the swift and popular New Orleans and +St. Louis packet, "Pennsylvania," Captain Kleinfelter. I had been lent +to Mr. Brown, one of the pilots of the "Pennsylvania," by my owner, Mr. +Horace E. Bixby, and I had been steering for Brown about eighteen +months, I think. Then in the early days of May, 1858, came a tragic +trip--the last trip of that fleet and famous steamboat. I have told all +about it in one of my books called "Old Times on the Mississippi." But +it is not likely that I told the dream in that book. It is impossible +that I can ever have published it, I think, because I never wanted my +mother to know about the dream, and she lived several years after I +published that volume. + +I had found a place on the "Pennsylvania" for my brother Henry, who was +two years my junior. It was not a place of profit, it was only a place +of promise. He was "mud" clerk. Mud clerks received no salary, but they +were in the line of promotion. They could become, presently, third clerk +and second clerk, then chief clerk--that is to say, purser. The dream +begins when Henry had been mud clerk about three months. We were lying +in port at St. Louis. Pilots and steersmen had nothing to do during the +three days that the boat lay in port in St. Louis and New Orleans, but +the mud clerk had to begin his labors at dawn and continue them into the +night, by the light of pine-knot torches. Henry and I, moneyless and +unsalaried, had billeted ourselves upon our brother-in-law, Mr. Moffet, +as night lodgers while in port. We took our meals on board the boat. No, +I mean _I_ lodged at the house, not Henry. He spent the _evenings_ at +the house, from nine until eleven, then went to the boat to be ready for +his early duties. On the night of the dream he started away at eleven, +shaking hands with the family, and said good-by according to custom. I +may mention that hand-shaking as a good-by was not merely the custom of +that family, but the custom of the region--the custom of Missouri, I may +say. In all my life, up to that time, I had never seen one member of the +Clemens family kiss another one--except once. When my father lay dying +in our home in Hannibal--the 24th of March, 1847--he put his arm around +my sister's neck and drew her down and kissed her, saying "Let me die." +I remember that, and I remember the death rattle which swiftly followed +those words, which were his last. These good-bys of Henry's were always +executed in the family sitting-room on the second floor, and Henry went +from that room and down-stairs without further ceremony. But this time +my mother went with him to the head of the stairs and said good-by +_again_. As I remember it she was moved to this by something in Henry's +manner, and she remained at the head of the stairs while he descended. +When he reached the door he hesitated, and climbed the stairs and shook +hands good-by once more. + +In the morning, when I awoke I had been dreaming, and the dream was so +vivid, so like reality, that it deceived me, and I thought it was real. +In the dream I had seen Henry a corpse. He lay in a metallic +burial-case. He was dressed in a suit of my clothing, and on his breast +lay a great bouquet of flowers, mainly white roses, with a red rose in +the centre. The casket stood upon a couple of chairs. I dressed, and +moved toward that door, thinking I would go in there and look at it, but +I changed my mind. I thought I could not yet bear to meet my mother. I +thought I would wait awhile and make some preparation for that ordeal. +The house was in Locust Street, a little above 13th, and I walked to +14th, and to the middle of the block beyond, before it suddenly flashed +upon me that there was nothing real about this--it was only a dream. I +can still feel something of the grateful upheaval of joy of that moment, +and I can also still feel the remnant of doubt, the suspicion that maybe +it _was_ real, after all. I returned to the house almost on a run, flew +up the stairs two or three steps at a jump, and rushed into that +sitting-room--and was made glad again, for there was no casket there. + +We made the usual eventless trip to New Orleans--no, it was not +eventless, for it was on the way down that I had the fight with Mr. +Brown[8] which resulted in his requiring that I be left ashore at New +Orleans. In New Orleans I always had a job. It was my privilege to watch +the freight-piles from seven in the evening until seven in the morning, +and get three dollars for it. It was a three-night job and occurred +every thirty-five days. Henry always joined my watch about nine in the +evening, when his own duties were ended, and we often walked my rounds +and chatted together until midnight. This time we were to part, and so +the night before the boat sailed I gave Henry some advice. I said, "In +case of disaster to the boat, don't lose your head--leave that unwisdom +to the passengers--they are competent--they'll attend to it. But you +rush for the hurricane-deck, and astern to one of the life-boats lashed +aft the wheel-house, and obey the mate's orders--thus you will be +useful. When the boat is launched, give such help as you can in getting +the women and children into it, and be sure you don't try to get into it +yourself. It is summer weather, the river is only a mile wide, as a +rule, and you can swim that without any trouble." Two or three days +afterward the boat's boilers exploded at Ship Island, below Memphis, +early one morning--and what happened afterward I have already told in +"Old Times on the Mississippi." As related there, I followed the +"Pennsylvania" about a day later, on another boat, and we began to get +news of the disaster at every port we touched at, and so by the time we +reached Memphis we knew all about it. + +I found Henry stretched upon a mattress on the floor of a great +building, along with thirty or forty other scalded and wounded persons, +and was promptly informed, by some indiscreet person, that he had +inhaled steam; that his body was badly scalded, and that he would live +but a little while; also, I was told that the physicians and nurses were +giving their whole attention to persons who had a chance of being saved. +They were short-handed in the matter of physicians and nurses; and Henry +and such others as were considered to be fatally hurt were receiving +only such attention as could be spared, from time to time, from the more +urgent cases. But Dr. Peyton, a fine and large-hearted old physician of +great reputation in the community, gave me his sympathy and took +vigorous hold of the case, and in about a week he had brought Henry +around. Dr. Peyton never committed himself with prognostications which +might not materialize, but at eleven o'clock one night he told me that +Henry was out of danger, and would get well. Then he said, "At midnight +these poor fellows lying here and there all over this place will begin +to mourn and mutter and lament and make outcries, and if this commotion +should disturb Henry it will be bad for him; therefore ask the physician +on watch to give him an eighth of a grain of morphine, but this is not +to be done unless Henry shall show signs that he is being disturbed." + +Oh well, never mind the rest of it. The physicians on watch were young +fellows hardly out of the medical college, and they made a mistake--they +had no way of measuring the eighth of a grain of morphine, so they +guessed at it and gave him a vast quantity heaped on the end of a +knife-blade, and the fatal effects were soon apparent. I think he died +about dawn, I don't remember as to that. He was carried to the dead-room +and I went away for a while to a citizen's house and slept off some of +my accumulated fatigue--and meantime something was happening. The +coffins provided for the dead were of unpainted white pine, but in this +instance some of the ladies of Memphis had made up a fund of sixty +dollars and bought a metallic case, and when I came back and entered the +dead-room Henry lay in that open case, and he was dressed in a suit of +my clothing. He had borrowed it without my knowledge during our last +sojourn in St. Louis; and I recognized instantly that my dream of +several weeks before was here exactly reproduced, so far as these +details went--and I think I missed one detail; but that one was +immediately supplied, for just then an elderly lady entered the place +with a large bouquet consisting mainly of white roses, and in the centre +of it was a red rose, and she laid it on his breast. + +I told the dream there in the Club that night just as I have told it +here. + +Rev. Dr. Burton swung his leonine head around, focussed me with his eye, +and said: + +"When was it that this happened?" + +"In June, '58." + +"It is a good many years ago. Have you told it several times since?" + +"Yes, I have, a good many times." + +"How many?" + +"Why, I don't know how many." + +"Well, strike an average. How many times a year do you think you have +told it?" + +"Well, I have told it as many as six times a year, possibly oftener." + +"Very well, then you've told it, we'll say, seventy or eighty times +since it happened?" + +"Yes," I said, "that's a conservative estimate." + +"Now then, Mark, a very extraordinary thing happened to me a great many +years ago, and I used to tell it a number of times--a good many +times--every year, for it was so wonderful that it always astonished the +hearer, and that astonishment gave me a distinct pleasure every time. I +never suspected that that tale was acquiring any auxiliary advantages +through repetition until one day after I had been telling it ten or +fifteen years it struck me that either I was getting old, and slow in +delivery, or that the tale was longer than it was when it was born. +Mark, I diligently and prayerfully examined that tale with this result: +that I found that its proportions were now, as nearly as I could make +oat, one part fact, straight fact, fact pure and undiluted, golden fact, +and twenty-four parts embroidery. I never told that tale afterwards--I +was never able to tell it again, for I had lost confidence in it, and so +the pleasure of telling it was gone, and gone permanently. How much of +this tale of yours is embroidery?" + +"Well," I said, "I don't know. I don't think any of it is embroidery. I +think it is all just as I have stated it, detail by detail." + +"Very well," he said, "then it is all right, but I wouldn't tell it any +more; because if you keep on, it will begin to collect embroidery sure. +The safest thing is to stop now." + +That was a great many years ago. And to-day is the first time that I +have told that dream since Dr. Burton scared me into fatal doubts about +it. No, I don't believe I can say that. I don't believe that I ever +really had any doubts whatever concerning the salient points of the +dream, for those points are of such a nature that they are _pictures_, +and pictures can be remembered, when they are vivid, much better than +one can remember remarks and unconcreted facts. Although it has been so +many years since I have told that dream, I can see those pictures now +just as clearly defined as if they were before me in this room. I have +not told the entire dream. There was a good deal more of it. I mean I +have not told all that happened in the dream's fulfilment. After the +incident in the death-room I may mention one detail, and that is this. +When I arrived in St. Louis with the casket it was about eight o'clock +in the morning, and I ran to my brother-in-law's place of business, +hoping to find him there, but I missed him, for while I was on the way +to his office he was on his way from the house to the boat. When I got +back to the boat the casket was gone. He had conveyed it out to his +house. I hastened thither, and when I arrived the men were just removing +the casket from the vehicle to carry it up-stairs. I stopped that +procedure, for I did not want my mother to see the dead face, because +one side of it was drawn and distorted by the effects of the opium. When +I went up-stairs, there stood the two chairs--placed to receive the +coffin--just as I had seen them in my dream; and if I had arrived two or +three minutes later, the casket would have been resting upon them, +precisely as in my dream of several weeks before. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[8] See "Old Times on the Mississippi." + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXIV. + +MAY 3, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XVII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + _Sept. 9, '85._--Mamma is teaching Jean a little natural history + and is making a little collection of insects for her. But mamma + does not allow Jean to kill any insects she only collects those + insects that are found dead. Mamma has told us all, perticularly + Jean, to bring her all the little dead insects that she finds. The + other day as we were all sitting at supper Jean broke into the room + and ran triumfantly up to Mamma and presented her with a plate full + of dead flies. Mamma thanked Jean vary enthusiastically although + she with difficulty concealed her amusement. Just then Soar Mash + entered the room and Jean believing her hungry asked Mamma for + permission to give her the flies. Mamma laughingly consented and + the flies almost immediately dissapeared. + + +[_Monday, October 15, 1906._] Sour Hash's presence indicates that this +adventure occurred at Quarry Farm. Susy's Biography interests itself +pretty exclusively with historical facts; where they happen is not a +matter of much concern to her. When other historians refer to the Bunker +Hill Monument they know it is not necessary to mention that that +monument is in Boston. Susy recognizes that when she mentions Sour Mash +it is not necessary to localize her. To Susy, Sour Mash is the Bunker +Hill Monument of Quarry Farm. + +Ordinary cats have some partiality for living flies, but none for dead +ones; but Susy does not trouble herself to apologize for Sour Mash's +eccentricities of taste. This Biography was for _us_, and Susy knew that +nothing that Sour Mash might do could startle us or need explanation, we +being aware that she was not an ordinary cat, but moving upon a plane +far above the prejudices and superstitions which are law to common +catdom. + +Once in Hartford the flies were so numerous for a time, and so +troublesome, that Mrs. Clemens conceived the idea of paying George[9] a +bounty on all the flies he might kill. The children saw an opportunity +here for the acquisition of sudden wealth. They supposed that their +mother merely wanted to accumulate dead flies, for some æsthetic or +scientific reason or other, and they judged that the more flies she +could get the happier she would be; so they went into business with +George on a commission. Straightway the dead flies began to arrive in +such quantities that Mrs. Clemens was pleased beyond words with the +success of her idea. Next, she was astonished that one house could +furnish so many. She was paying an extravagantly high bounty, and it +presently began to look as if by this addition to our expenses we were +now probably living beyond our income. After a few days there was peace +and comfort; not a fly was discoverable in the house: there wasn't a +straggler left. Still, to Mrs. Clement's surprise, the dead flies +continued to arrive by the plateful, and the bounty expense was as +crushing as ever. Then she made inquiry, and found that our innocent +little rascals had established a Fly Trust, and had hired all the +children in the neighborhood to collect flies on a cheap and +unburdensome commission. + +Mrs. Clemens's experience in this matter was a new one for her, but the +governments of the world had tried it, and wept over it, and discarded +it, every half-century since man was created. Any Government could have +told her that the best way to increase wolves in America, rabbits in +Australia, and snakes in India, is to pay a bounty on their scalps. Then +every patriot goes to raising them. + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + _Sept. 10, '85._--The other evening Clara and I brought down our + new soap bubble water and we all blew soap bubles. Papa blew his + soap bubles and filled them with tobacco smoke and as the light + shone on then they took very beautiful opaline colors. Papa would + hold them and then let us catch them in our hand and they felt + delightful to the touch the mixture of the smoke and water had a + singularly pleasant effect. + + +It is human life. We are blown upon the world; we float buoyantly upon +the summer air a little while, complacently showing off our grace of +form and our dainty iridescent colors; then we vanish with a little +puff, leaving nothing behind but a memory--and sometimes not even that. +I suppose that at those solemn times when we wake in the deeps of the +night and reflect, there is not one of us who is not willing to confess +that he is really only a soap-bubble, and as little worth the making. + +I remember those days of twenty-one years ago, and a certain pathos +clings about them. Susy, with her manifold young charms and her +iridescent mind, was as lovely a bubble as any we made that day--and as +transitory. She passed, as they passed, in her youth and beauty, and +nothing of her is left but a heartbreak and a memory. That long-vanished +day came vividly back to me a few weeks ago when, for the first time in +twenty-one years, I found myself again amusing a child with +smoke-charged soap-bubbles. + +[Sidenote: (1885.)] + +Susy's next date is November 29th, 1885, the eve of my fiftieth +birthday. It seems a good while ago. I must have been rather young for +my age then, for I was trying to tame an old-fashioned bicycle nine feet +high. It is to me almost unbelievable, at my present stage of life, that +there have really been people willing to trust themselves upon a dizzy +and unstable altitude like that, and that I was one of them. Twichell +and I took lessons every day. He succeeded, and became a master of the +art of riding that wild vehicle, but I had no gift in that direction and +was never able to stay on mine long enough to get any satisfactory view +of the planet. Every time I tried to steal a look at a pretty girl, or +any other kind of scenery, that single moment of inattention gave the +bicycle the chance it had been waiting for, and I went over the front of +it and struck the ground on my head or my back before I had time to +realise that something was happening. I didn't always go over the front +way; I had other ways, and practised them all; but no matter which way +was chosen for me there was always one monotonous result--the bicycle +skinned my leg and leaped up into the air and came down on top of me. +Sometimes its wires were so sprung by this violent performance that it +had the collapsed look of an umbrella that had had a misunderstanding +with a cyclone. After each day's practice I arrived at home with my skin +hanging in ribbons, from my knees down. I plastered the ribbons on where +they belonged, and bound them there with handkerchiefs steeped in Pond's +Extract, and was ready for more adventures next day. It was always a +surprise to me that I had so much skin, and that it held out so well. +There was always plenty, and I soon came to understand that the supply +was going to remain sufficient for all my needs. It turned out that I +had nine skins, in layers, one on top of the other like the leaves of a +book, and some of the doctors said it was quite remarkable. + +I was full of enthusiasm over this insane amusement. My teacher was a +young German from the bicycle factory, a gentle, kindly, patient +creature, with a pathetically grave face. He never smiled; he never made +a remark; he always gathered me tenderly up when I plunged off, and +helped me on again without a word. When he had been teaching me twice a +day for three weeks I introduced a new gymnastic--one that he had never +seen before--and so at last a compliment was wrung from him, a thing +which I had been risking my life for days to achieve. He gathered me up +and said mournfully: "Mr. Clemens, you can fall off a bicycle in more +different ways than any person I ever saw before." + +[Sidenote: (1849.)] + +A boy's life is not all comedy; much of the tragic enters into it. The +drunken tramp--mentioned in "Tom Sawyer" or "Huck Finn"--who was burned +up in the village jail, lay upon my conscience a hundred nights +afterward and filled them with hideous dreams--dreams in which I saw his +appealing face as I had seen it in the pathetic reality, pressed against +the window-bars, with the red hell glowing behind him--a face which +seemed to say to me, "If you had not give me the matches, this would not +have happened; you are responsible for my death." I was _not_ +responsible for it, for I had meant him no harm, but only good, when I +let him have the matches; but no matter, mine was a trained Presbyterian +conscience, and knew but the one duty--to hunt and harry its slave upon +all pretexts and on all occasions; particularly when there was no sense +or reason in it. The tramp--who was to blame--suffered ten minutes; I, +who was not to blame, suffered three months. + +The shooting down of poor old Smarr in the main street[10] at noonday +supplied me with some more dreams; and in them I always saw again the +grotesque closing picture--the great family Bible spread open on the +profane old man's breast by some thoughtful idiot, and rising and +sinking to the labored breathings, and adding the torture of its leaden +weight to the dying struggles. We are curiously made. In all the throng +of gaping and sympathetic onlookers there was not one with common sense +enough to perceive that an anvil would have been in better taste there +than the Bible, less open to sarcastic criticism, and swifter in its +atrocious work. In my nightmares I gasped and struggled for breath under +the crush of that vast book for many a night. + +All within the space of a couple of years we had two or three other +tragedies, and I had the ill-luck to be too near by on each occasion. +There was the slave man who was struck down with a chunk of slag for +some small offence; I saw him die. And the young California emigrant who +was stabbed with a bowie knife by a drunken comrade: I saw the red life +gush from his breast. And the case of the rowdy young Hyde brothers and +their harmless old uncle: one of them held the old man down with his +knees on his breast while the other one tried repeatedly to kill him +with an Allen revolver which wouldn't go off. I happened along just +then, of course. + +Then there was the case of the young California emigrant who got drunk +and proposed to raid the "Welshman's house" all alone one dark and +threatening night.[11] This house stood half-way up Holliday's Hill +("Cardiff" Hill), and its sole occupants were a poor but quite +respectable widow and her young and blameless daughter. The invading +ruffian woke the whole village with his ribald yells and coarse +challenges and obscenities. I went up there with a comrade--John Briggs, +I think--to look and listen. The figure of the man was dimly risible; +the women were on their porch, but not visible in the deep shadow of its +roof, but we heard the elder woman's voice. She had loaded an old musket +with slugs, and she warned the man that if he stayed where he was while +she counted ten it would cost him his life. She began to count, slowly: +he began to laugh. He stopped laughing at "six"; then through the deep +stillness, in a steady voice, followed the rest of the tale: "seven ... +eight ... nine"--a long pause, we holding our breath--"ten!" A red spout +of flame gushed out into the night, and the man dropped, with his breast +riddled to rags. Then the rain and the thunder burst loose and the +waiting town swarmed up the hill in the glare of the lightning like an +invasion of ants. Those people saw the rest; I had had my share and was +satisfied. I went home to dream, and was not disappointed. + +My teaching and training enabled me to see deeper into these tragedies +than an ignorant person could have done. I knew what they were for. I +tried to disguise it from myself, but down in the secret deeps of my +heart I knew--and I _knew_ that I knew. They were inventions of +Providence to beguile me to a better life. It sounds curiously innocent +and conceited, now, but to me there was nothing strange about it; it was +quite in accordance with the thoughtful and judicious ways of Providence +as I understood them. It would not have surprised me, nor even +over-flattered me, if Providence had killed off that whole community in +trying to save an asset like me. Educated as I had been, it would have +seemed just the thing, and well worth the expense. _Why_ Providence +should take such an anxious interest in such a property--that idea never +entered my head, and there was no one in that simple hamlet who would +have dreamed of putting it there. For one thing, no one was equipped +with it. + +It is quite true I took all the tragedies to myself; and tallied them +off, in turn as they happened, saying to myself in each case, with a +sigh, "Another one gone--and on my account; this ought to bring me to +repentance; His patience will not always endure." And yet privately I +believed it would. That is, I believed it in the daytime; but not in the +night. With the going down of the sun my faith failed, and the clammy +fears gathered about my heart. It was then that I repented. Those were +awful nights, nights of despair, nights charged with the bitterness of +death. After each tragedy I recognized the warning and repented; +repented and begged; begged like a coward, begged like a dog; and not in +the interest of those poor people who had been extinguished for my sake, +but only in my own interest. It seems selfish, when I look back on it +now. + +My repentances were very real, very earnest; and after each tragedy they +happened every night for a long time. But as a rule they could not stand +the daylight. They faded out and shredded away and disappeared in the +glad splendor of the sun. They were the creatures of fear and darkness, +and they could not live out of their own place. The day gave me cheer +and peace, and at night I repented again. In all my boyhood life I am +not sure that I ever tried to lead a better life in the daytime--or +wanted to. In my age I should never think of wishing to do such a thing. +But in my age, as in my youth, night brings me many a deep remorse. I +realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the +race--never quite sane in the night. When "Injun Joe" died.[12] ... But +never mind: in another chapter I have already described what a raging +hell of repentance I passed through then. I believe that for months I +was as pure as the driven snow. After dark. + +It was back in those far-distant days--1848 or '9--that Jim Wolf came to +us. He was from Shelbyville, a hamlet thirty or forty miles back in the +country, and he brought all his native sweetnesses and gentlenesses and +simplicities with him. He was approaching seventeen, a grave and slender +lad, trustful, honest, a creature to love and cling to. And he was +incredibly bashful. + +It is to this kind that untoward things happen. My sister gave a +"candy-pull" on a winter's night. I was too young to be of the company, +and Jim was too diffident. I was sent up to bed early, and Jim followed +of his own motion. His room was in the new part of the house, and his +window looked out on the roof of the L annex. That roof was six inches +deep in snow, and the snow had an ice-crust upon it which was as slick +as glass. Out of the comb of the roof projected a short chimney, a +common resort for sentimental cats on moonlight nights--and this was a +moonlight night. Down at the eaves, below the chimney, a canopy of dead +vines spread away to some posts, making a cozy shelter, and after an +hour or two the rollicking crowd of young ladies and gentlemen grouped +themselves in its shade, with their saucers of liquid and piping-hot +candy disposed about them on the frozen ground to cool. There was joyous +chaffing and joking and laughter--peal upon peal of it. + +About this time a couple of old disreputable tom-cats got up on the +chimney and started a heated argument about something; also about this +time I gave up trying to get to sleep, and went visiting to Jim's room. +He was awake and fuming about the cats and their intolerable yowling. I +asked him, mockingly, why he didn't climb out and drive them away. He +was nettled, and said over-boldly that for two cents he _would_. + +It was a rash remark, and was probably repented of before it was fairly +out of his mouth. But it was too late--he was committed. I knew him; and +I knew he would rather break his neck than back down, if I egged him on +judiciously. + +"Oh, of course you would! Who's doubting it?" + +It galled him, and he burst out, with sharp irritation-- + +"Maybe _you_ doubt it!" + +"I? Oh no, I shouldn't think of such a thing. You are always doing +wonderful things. With your mouth." + +He was in a passion, now. He snatched on his yarn socks and began to +raise the window, saying in a voice unsteady with anger-- + +"_You_ think I dasn't--_you_ do! Think what you blame please--_I_ don't +care what you think. I'll show you!" + +The window made him rage; it wouldn't stay up. I said-- + +"Never mind, I'll hold it." + +Indeed, I would have done anything to help. I was only a boy, and was +already in a radiant heaven of anticipation. He climbed carefully out, +clung to the window-sill until his feet were safely placed, then began +to pick his perilous way on all fours along the glassy comb, a foot and +a hand on each side of it. I believe I enjoy it now as much as I did +then: yet it is a good deal over fifty years ago. The frosty breeze +flapped his short shirt about his lean legs; the crystal roof shone like +polished marble in the intense glory of the moon; the unconscious cats +sat erect upon the chimney, alertly watching each other, lashing their +tails and pouring out their hollow grievances; and slowly and +cautiously Jim crept on, flapping as he went, the gay and frolicsome +young creatures under the vine-canopy unaware, and outraging these +solemnities with their misplaced laughter. Every time Jim slipped I had +a hope; but always on he crept and disappointed it. At last he was +within reaching distance. He paused, raised himself carefully up, +measured his distance deliberately, then made a frantic grab at the +nearest cat--and missed. Of course he lost his balance. His heels flew +up, he struck on his back, and like a rocket he darted down the roof +feet first, crashed through the dead vines and landed in a sitting +posture in fourteen saucers of red-hot candy, in the midst of all that +party--and dressed as _he_ was: this lad who could not look a girl in +the face with his clothes on. There was a wild scramble and a storm of +shrieks, and Jim fled up the stairs, dripping broken crockery all the +way. + +[Sidenote: (1867.)] + +The incident was ended. But I was not done with it yet, though I +supposed I was. Eighteen or twenty years later I arrived in New York +from California, and by that time I had failed in all my other +undertakings and had stumbled into literature without intending it. This +was early in 1867. I was offered a large sum to write something for the +"Sunday Mercury," and I answered with the tale of "Jim Wolf and the +Cats." I also collected the money for it--twenty-five dollars. It seemed +over-pay, but I did not say anything about that, for I was not so +scrupulous then as I am now. + +A year or two later "Jim Wolf and the Cats" appeared in a Tennessee +paper in a new dress--as to spelling; spelling borrowed from Artemus +Ward. The appropriator of the tale had a wide reputation in the West, +and was exceedingly popular. Deservedly so, I think. He wrote some of +the breeziest and funniest things I have ever read, and did his work +with distinguished ease and fluency. His name has passed out of my +memory. + +A couple of years went by; then the original story--my own +version--cropped up again and went floating around in the spelling, and +with my name to it. Soon first one paper and then another fell upon me +rigorously for "stealing" Jim Wolf and the Cats from the Tennessee man. +I got a merciless beating, but I did not mind it. It's all in the game. +Besides, I had learned, a good while before that, that it is not wise to +keep the fire going under a slander unless you can get some large +advantage out of keeping it alive. Few slanders can stand the wear of +silence. + +[Sidenote: (1873.)] + +[Sidenote: (1900.)] + +But I was not done with Jim and the Cats yet. In 1873 I was lecturing in +London, in the Queen's Concert Rooms, Hanover Square, and was living at +the Langham Hotel, Portland place. I had no domestic household, and no +official household except George Dolby, lecture-agent, and Charles +Warren Stoddard, the California poet, now (1900) Professor of English +Literature in the Roman Catholic University, Washington. Ostensibly +Stoddard was my private secretary; in reality he was merely my +comrade--I hired him in order to have his company. As secretary there +was nothing for him to do except to scrap-book the daily reports of the +great trial of the Tichborne Claimant for perjury. But he made a +sufficient job out of that, for the reports filled six columns a day and +he usually postponed the scrap-booking until Sunday; then he had 36 +columns to cut out and paste in--a proper labor for Hercules. He did his +work well, but if he had been older and feebler it would have killed him +once a week. Without doubt he does his literary lectures well, but also +without doubt he prepares them fifteen minutes before he is due on his +platform and thus gets into them a freshness and sparkle which they +might lack if they underwent the staling process of overstudy. + +He was good company when he was awake. He was refined, sensitive, +charming, gentle, generous, honest himself and unsuspicious of other +people's honesty, and I think he was the purest male I have known, in +mind and speech. George Dolby was something of a contrast to him, but +the two were very friendly and sociable together, nevertheless. Dolby +was large and ruddy, full of life and strength and spirits, a tireless +and energetic talker, and always overflowing with good-nature and +bursting with jollity. It was a choice and satisfactory menagerie, this +pensive poet and this gladsome gorilla. An indelicate story was a sharp +distress to Stoddard; Dolby told him twenty-five a day. Dolby always +came home with us after the lecture, and entertained Stoddard till +midnight. Me too. After he left, I walked the floor and talked, and +Stoddard went to sleep on the sofa. I hired him for company. + +Dolby had been agent for concerts, and theatres, and Charles Dickens and +all sorts of shows and "attractions" for many years; he had known the +human being in many aspects, and he didn't much believe in him. But the +poet did. The waifs and estrays found a friend in Stoddard: Dolby tried +to persuade him that he was dispensing his charities unworthily, but he +was never able to succeed. + +One night a young American got access to Stoddard at the Concert Rooms +and told him a moving tale. He said he was living on the Surrey side, +and for some strange reason his remittances had failed to arrive from +home; he had no money, he was out of employment, and friendless; his +girl-wife and his new baby were actually suffering for food; for the +love of heaven could he lend him a sovereign until his remittances +should resume? Stoddard was deeply touched, and gave him a sovereign on +my account. Dolby scoffed, but Stoddard stood his ground. Each told me +his story later in the evening, and I backed Stoddard's judgment. Dolby +said we were women in disguise, and not a sane kind of women, either. + +The next week the young man came again. His wife was ill with the +pleurisy, the baby had the bots, or something, I am not sure of the name +of the disease; the doctor and the drugs had eaten up the money, the +poor little family was starving. If Stoddard "in the kindness of his +heart could only spare him another sovereign," etc., etc. Stoddard was +much moved, and spared him a sovereign for me. Dolby was outraged. He +spoke up and said to the customer-- + +"Now, young man, you are going to the hotel with us and state your case +to the other member of the family. If you don't make him believe in you +I sha'n't honor this poet's drafts in your interest any longer, for I +don't believe in you myself." + +The young man was quite willing. I found no fault in him. On the +contrary, I believed in him at once, and was solicitous to heal the +wounds inflicted by Dolby's too frank incredulity; therefore I did +everything I could think of to cheer him up and entertain him and make +him feel at home and comfortable. I spun many yarns; among others the +tale of Jim Wolf and the Cats. Learning that he had done something in a +small way in literature, I offered to try to find a market for him in +that line. His face lighted joyfully at that, and he said that if I +could only sell a small manuscript to Tom Hood's Annual for him it would +be the happiest event of his sad life and he would hold me in grateful +remembrance always. That was a most pleasant night for three of us, but +Dolby was disgusted and sarcastic. + +Next week the baby died. Meantime I had spoken to Tom Hood and gained +his sympathy. The young man had sent his manuscript to him, and the very +day the child died the money for the MS. came--three guineas. The young +man came with a poor little strip of crape around his arm and thanked +me, and said that nothing could have been more timely than that money, +and that his poor little wife was grateful beyond words for the service +I had rendered. He wept, and in fact Stoddard and I wept with him, which +was but natural. Also Dolby wept. At least he wiped his eyes and wrung +out his handkerchief, and sobbed stertorously and made other exaggerated +shows of grief. Stoddard and I were ashamed of Dolby, and tried to make +the young man understand that he meant no harm, it was only his way. The +young man said sadly that he was not minding it, his grief was too deep +for other hurts; that he was only thinking of the funeral, and the heavy +expenses which-- + +We cut that short and told him not to trouble about it, leave it all to +us; send the bills to Mr. Dolby and-- + +"Yes," said Dolby, with a mock tremor in his voice, "send them to me, +and I will pay them. What, are you going? You must not go alone in your +worn and broken condition; Mr. Stoddard and I will go with you. Come, +Stoddard. We will comfort the bereaved mamma and get a lock of the +baby's hair." + +It was shocking. We were ashamed of him again, and said so. But he was +not disturbed. He said-- + +"Oh, I know this kind, the woods are full of them. I'll make this offer: +if he will show me his family I will give him twenty pounds. Come!" The +young man said he would not remain to be insulted; and he said +good-night and took his hat. But Dolby said he would go with him, and +stay by him until he found the family. Stoddard went along to soothe the +young man and modify Dolby. They drove across the river and all over +Southwark, but did not find the family. At last the young man confessed +there wasn't any. + +The thing he sold to Tom Hood's Annual was "Jim and the Cats." And he +did not put my name to it. + +So that small tale was sold three times. I am selling it again, now. It +is one of the best properties I have come across. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTES: + +[9] The colored butler. + +[10] See "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn." + +[11] Used in "Huck Finn," I think. + +[12] Used in "Tom Sawyer." + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXV. + +MAY 17, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XVIII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[_Dictated December 21, 1906._] I wish to insert here some pages of +Susy's Biography of me in which the biographer does not scatter, +according to her custom, but sticks pretty steadily to a single subject +until she has fought it to a finish: + + + _Feb. 27, '86._--Last summer while we were in Elmira an article + came out in the "Christian Union" by name "What ought he to have + done" treating of the government of children, or rather giving an + account of a fathers battle with his little baby boy, by the mother + of the child and put in the form of a question as to whether the + father disciplined the child corectly or not, different people + wrote their opinions of the fathers behavior, and told what they + thought he should have done. Mamma had long known how to disciplin + children, for in fact the bringing up of children had been one of + her specialties for many years. She had a great many theories, but + one of them was, that if a child was big enough to be nauty, it was + big enough to be whipped and here we all agreed with her. I + remember one morning when Dr. ---- came up to the farm he had a + long discussion with mamma, upon the following topic. Mamma gave + _this_ as illustrative of one important rule for punishing a child. + She said we will suppose the boy has thrown a handkerchief onto the + floor, I tell him to pick it up, he refuses. I tell him again, he + refuses. Then I say you must either pick up the handkerchief or + have a whipping. My theory is never to make a child have a whipping + and pick up the handkerchief too. I say "If you do not pick it up, + I must punish you," if he doesn't he gets the whipping, but _I_ + pick up the handkerchief, if he does he gets no punishment. I tell + him to do a thing if he disobeys me he is punished for so doing, + but not forced to obey me afterwards. + + When Clara and I had been very nauty or were being very nauty, the + nurse would go and call Mamma and she would appear suddenly and + look at us (she had a way of looking at us when she was displeased + as if she could see right through us) till we were ready to sink + through the floor from embarasment, and total absence of knowing + what to say. This look was usually followed with "Clara" or "Susy + what do you mean by this? do you want to come to the bath-room with + me?" Then followed the climax for Clara and I both new only too + well what going to the bath-room meant. + + But mamma's first and foremost object was to make the child + understand that he is being punished for _his_ sake, and because + the mother so loves him that she cannot allow him to do wrong; also + that it is as hard for her to punish him as for him to be punished + and even harder. Mamma never allowed herself to punish us when she + was angry with us she never struck us because she was enoyed at us + and felt like striking us if we had been nauty and had enoyed her, + so that she thought she felt or would show the least bit of temper + toward us while punnishing us, she always postponed the punishment + until _she_ was no more chafed by our behavior. She never humored + herself by striking or punishing us because or while she was the + least bit enoyed with us. + + Our very worst nautinesses were punished by being taken to the + bath-room and being whipped by the paper cutter. But after the + whipping was over, mamma did not allow us to leave her until we + were perfectly happy, and perfectly understood why we had been + whipped. I never remember having felt the least bit bitterly toward + mamma for punishing me. I always felt I had deserved my punishment, + and was much happier for having received it. For after mamma had + punished us and shown her displeasure, she showed no signs of + further displeasure, but acted as if we had not displeased her in + any way. + + +Ordinary punishments answered very well for Susy. She was a thinker, and +would reason out the purpose of them, apply the lesson, and achieve the +reform required. But it was much less easy to devise punishments that +would reform Clara. This was because she was a philosopher who was +always turning her attention to finding something good and satisfactory +and entertaining in everything that came her way; consequently it was +sometimes pretty discouraging to the troubled mother to find that after +all her pains and thought in inventing what she meant to be a severe and +reform-compelling punishment, the child had entirely missed the +severities through her native disposition to get interest and pleasure +out of them as novelties. The mother, in her anxiety to find a penalty +that would take sharp hold and do its work effectively, at last +resorted, with a sore heart, and with a reproachful conscience, to that +punishment which the incorrigible criminal in the penitentiary dreads +above all the other punitive miseries which the warden inflicts upon him +for his good--solitary confinement in the dark chamber. The grieved and +worried mother shut Clara up in a very small clothes-closet and went +away and left her there--for fifteen minutes--it was all that the +mother-heart could endure. Then she came softly back and +listened--listened for the sobs, but there weren't any; there were +muffled and inarticulate sounds, but they could not be construed into +sobs. The mother waited half an hour longer; by that time she was +suffering so intensely with sorrow and compassion for the little +prisoner that she was not able to wait any longer for the distressed +sounds which she had counted upon to inform her when there had been +punishment enough and the reform accomplished. She opened the closet to +set the prisoner free and take her back into her loving favor and +forgiveness, but the result was not the one expected. The captive had +manufactured a fairy cavern out of the closet, and friendly fairies out +of the clothes hanging from the hooks, and was having a most sinful and +unrepentant good time, and requested permission to spend the rest of the +day there! + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + But Mamma's oppinions and ideas upon the subject of bringing up + children has always been more or less of a joke in our family, + perticularly since Papa's article in the "Christian Union," and I + am sure Clara and I have related the history of our old family + paper-cutter, our punishments and privations with rather more pride + and triumph than any other sentiment, because of Mamma's way of + rearing us. + + When the article "What ought he to have done?" came out Mamma read + it, and was very much interested in it. And when papa heard that + she had read it he went to work and secretly wrote his opinion of + what the father ought to have done. He told Aunt Susy, Clara and I, + about it but mamma was not to see it or hear any thing about it + till it came out. He gave it to Aunt Susy to read, and after Clara + and I had gone up to get ready for bed he brought it up for us to + read. He told what he thought the father ought to have done by + telling what mamma would have done. The article was a beautiful + tribute to mamma and every word in it true. But still in writing + about mamma he partly forgot that the article was going to be + published, I think, and expressed himself more fully than he would + do the second time he wrote it; I think the article has done and + will do a great deal of good, and I think it would have been + perfect for the family and friend's enjoyment, but a little bit too + private to have been published as it was. And Papa felt so too, + because the very next day or a few days after, he went down to New + York to see if he couldn't get it back before it was published but + it was too late, and he had to return without it. When the + Christian Union reached the farm and papa's article in it all ready + and waiting to be read to mamma papa hadn't the courage to show it + to her (for he knew she wouldn't like it at all) at first, and he + didn't but he might have let it go and never let her see it, but + finally he gave his consent to her seeing it, and told Clara and I + we could take it to her, which we did, with tardiness, and we all + stood around mamma while she read it, all wondering what she would + say and think about it. + + She was too much surprised, (and pleased privately, too) to say + much at first, but as we all expected publicly, (or rather when she + remembered that this article was to be read by every one that took + the Christian Union) she was rather shocked and a little + displeased. + + Clara and I had great fun the night papa gave it to us to read and + then hide, so mamma couldn't see it, for just as we were in the + midst of reading it mamma appeared, papa following anxiously and + asked why we were not in bed? then a scuffle ensued for we told her + it was a secret and tried to hide it; but she chased us wherever we + went, till she thought it was time for us to go to bed, then she + surendered and left us to tuck it under Clara's matress. + + A little while after the article was published letters began to + come in to papa crittisizing it, there were some very pleasant ones + but a few very disagreable. One of these, the very worst, mamma got + hold of and read, to papa's great regret, it was full of the most + disagreble things, and so very enoying to papa that he for a time + felt he must do something to show the author of it his great + displeasure at being so insulted. But he finally decided not to, + because he felt the man had some cause for feeling enoyed at, for + papa had spoken of him, (he was the baby's father) rather + slightingly in his Christian Union Article. + + After all this, papa and mamma both wished I think they might never + hear or be spoken to on the subject of the Christian Union article, + and whenever any has spoken to me and told me "How much they did + enjoy my father's article in the Christian Union" I almost laughed + in their faces when I remembered what a great variety of oppinions + had been expressed upon the subject of the Christian Union article + of papa's. + + The article was written in July or August and just the other day + papa received quite a bright letter from a gentleman who has read + the C. U. article and gave his opinion of it in these words. + + +It is missing. She probably put the letter between the leaves of the +Biography and it got lost out. She threw away the hostile letters, but +tried to keep the pleasantest one for her book; surely there has been no +kindlier biographer than this one. Yet to a quite creditable degree she +is loyal to the responsibilities of her position as historian--not +eulogist--and honorably gives me a quiet prod now and then. But how +many, many, many she has withheld that I deserved! I could prize them +now; there would be no acid in her words, and it is loss to me that she +did not set them all down. Oh, Susy, you sweet little biographer, you +break my old heart with your gentle charities! + +I think a great deal of her work. Her canvases are on their easels, and +her brush flies about in a care-free and random way, delivering a dash +here, a dash there and another yonder, and one might suppose that there +would be no definite result; on the contrary I think that an intelligent +reader of her little book must find that by the time he has finished it +he has somehow accumulated a pretty clear and nicely shaded idea of the +several members of this family--including Susy herself--and that the +random dashes on the canvases have developed into portraits. I feel that +my own portrait, with some of the defects fined down and others left +out, is here; and I am sure that any who knew the mother will recognize +her without difficulty, and will say that the lines are drawn with a +just judgment and a sure hand. Little creature though Susy was, the +penetration which was born in her finds its way to the surface more than +once in these pages. + +Before Susy began the Biography she let fall a remark now and then +concerning my character which showed that she had it under observation. +In the Record which we kept of the children's sayings there is an +instance of this. She was twelve years old at the time. We had +established a rule that each member of the family must bring a fact to +breakfast--a fact drawn from a book or from any other source; any fact +would answer. Susy's first contribution was in substance as follows. Two +great exiles and former opponents in war met in Ephesus--Scipio and +Hannibal. Scipio asked Hannibal to name the greatest general the world +had produced. + +"Alexander"--and he explained why. + +"And the next greatest?" + +"Pyrrhus"--and he explained why. + +"But where do you place yourself, then?" + +"If I had conquered you I would place myself before the others." + +Susy's grave comment was-- + +"That _attracted_ me, it was just like papa--he is so frank about his +books." + +So frank in admiring them, she meant. + + +[_Thursday, March 28, 1907._] Some months ago I commented upon a chapter +of Susy's Biography wherein she very elaborately discussed an article +about the training and disciplining of children, which I had published +in the "Christian Union" (this was twenty-one years ago), an article +which was full of worshipful praises of Mrs. Clemens as a mother, and +which little Clara, and Susy, and I had been hiding from this lovely and +admirable mother because we knew she would disapprove of public and +printed praises of herself. At the time that I was dictating these +comments, several months ago, I was trying to call back to my memory +some of the details of that article, but I was not able to do it, and I +wished I had a copy of the article so that I could see what there was +about it which gave it such large interest for Susy. + +Yesterday afternoon I elected to walk home from the luncheon at the St. +Regis, which is in 56th Street and Fifth Avenue, for it was a fine +spring day and I hadn't had a walk for a year or two, and felt the need +of exercise. As I walked along down Fifth Avenue the desire to see that +"Christian Union" article came into my head again. I had just reached +the corner of 42nd Street then, and there was the usual jam of wagons, +carriages, and automobiles there. I stopped to let it thin out before +trying to cross the street, but a stranger, who didn't require as much +room as I do, came racing by and darted into a crack among the vehicles +and made the crossing. But on his way past me he thrust a couple of +ancient newspaper clippings into my hand, and said, + +"There, you don't know me, but I have saved them in my scrap-book for +twenty years, and it occurred to me this morning that perhaps you would +like to see them, so I was carrying them down-town to mail them, I not +expecting to run across you in this accidental way, of course; but I +will give them into your own hands now. Good-by!"--and he disappeared +among the wagons. + +Those scraps which he had put into my hand were ancient newspaper copies +of that "Christian Union" article! It is a handsome instance of mental +telegraphy--or if it isn't that, it is a handsome case of coincidence. + +_From the Biography._ + + + _March 14th, '86._--Mr. Laurence Barrette and Mr. and Mrs. Hutton + were here a little while ago, and we had a very interesting visit + from them. Papa said Mr. Barette never had acted so well before + when he had seen him, as he did the first night he was staying with + us. And Mrs. ---- said she never had seen an actor on the stage, + whom she more wanted to speak with. + + Papa has been very much interested of late, in the "Mind Cure" + theory. And in fact so have we all. A young lady in town has worked + wonders by using the "Mind Cure" upon people; she is constantly + busy now curing peoples deseases in this way--and curing her own + even, which to me seems the most remarkable of all. + + A little while past, papa was delighted with the knowledge of what + he thought the best way of curing a cold, which was by starving it. + This starving did work beautifully, and freed him from a great many + severe colds. Now he says it wasn't the starving that helped his + colds, but the trust in the starving, the mind cure connected with + the starving. + + I shouldn't wonder if we finally became firm believers in Mind + Cure. The next time papa has a cold, I haven't a doubt, he will + send for Miss H---- the young lady who is doctoring in the "Mind + Cure" theory, to cure him of it. + + Mamma was over at Mrs. George Warners to lunch the other day, and + Miss H---- was there too. Mamma asked if anything as natural as + near sightedness could be cured she said oh yes just as well as + other deseases. + + When mamma came home, she took me into her room, and told me that + perhaps my near-sightedness could be cured by the "Mind Cure" and + that she was going to have me try the treatment any way, there + could be no harm in it, and there might be great good. If her plan + succeeds there certainly will be a great deal in "Mind Cure" to my + oppinion, for I am very near sighted and so is mamma, and I never + expected there could be any more cure for it than for blindness, + but now I dont know but what theres a cure for _that_. + + +It was a disappointment; her near-sightedness remained with her to the +end. She was born with it, no doubt; yet, strangely enough, she must +have been four years old, and possibly five, before we knew of its +existence. It is not easy to understand how that could have happened. I +discovered the defect by accident. I was half-way up the hall stairs one +day at home, and was leading her by the hand, when I glanced back +through the open door of the dining-room and saw what I thought she +would recognise as a pretty picture. It was "Stray Kit," the slender, +the graceful, the sociable, the beautiful, the incomparable, the cat of +cats, the tortoise-shell, curled up as round as a wheel and sound asleep +on the fire-red cover of the dining-table, with a brilliant stream of +sunlight falling across her. I exclaimed about it, but Susy said she +could see nothing there, neither cat nor table-cloth. The distance was +so slight--not more than twenty feet, perhaps--that if it had been any +other child I should not have credited the statement. + +_From the Biography._ + + + _March 14th, '86._--Clara sprained her ankle, a little while ago, + by running into a tree, when coasting, and while she was unable to + walk with it she played solotaire with cards a great deal. While + Clara was sick and papa saw her play solotaire so much, he got very + much interested in the game, and finally began to play it himself a + little, then Jean took it up, and at last _mamma_, even played it + ocasionally; Jean's and papa's love for it rapidly increased, and + now Jean brings the cards every night to the table and papa and + mamma help her play, and before dinner is at an end, papa has + gotten a separate pack of cards, and is playing alone, with great + interest. Mamma and Clara next are made subject to the contagious + solatair, and there are four solotaireans at the table; while you + hear nothing but "Fill up the place" etc. It is dreadful! after + supper Clara goes into the library, and gets a little red mahogany + table, and placing it under the gas fixture seats herself and + begins to play again, then papa follows with another table of the + same discription, and they play solatair till bedtime. + + We have just had our Prince and Pauper pictures taken; two groups + and some little single ones. The groups (the Interview and Lady + Jane Grey scene) were pretty good, the lady Jane scene was perfect, + just as pretty as it could be, the Interview was not so good; and + two of the little single pictures were very good indeed, but one + was very bad. Yet on the whole we think they were a success. + + Papa has done a great deal in his life I think, that is good, and + very remarkable, but I think if he had had the advantages with + which he could have developed the gifts which he has made no use of + in writing his books, or in any other way for other peoples + pleasure and benefit outside of his own family and intimate + friends, he could have done _more_ than he has and a great deal + more even. He is known to the public as a humorist, but he has much + more in him that is earnest than that is humorous. He has a keen + sense of the ludicrous, notices funny stories and incidents knows + how to tell them, to improve upon them, and does not forget them. + He has been through a great many of the funny adventures related in + "Tom Sawyer" and in "Huckleberry Finn," _himself_ and he lived among + just such boys, and in just such villages all the days of his early + life. His "Prince and Pauper" is his most orriginal, and best + production; it shows the most of any of his books what kind of + pictures are in his mind, usually. Not that the pictures of England + in the 16th Century and the adventures of a little prince and + pauper are the kind of things he mainly thinks about; but that + _that_ book, and those pictures represent the train of thought and + imagination he would be likely to be thinking of to-day, to-morrow, + or next day, more nearly than those given in "Tom Sawyer" or + "Huckleberry Finn."[13] + + Papa can make exceedingly bright jokes, and he enjoys funny things, + and when he is with people he jokes and laughs a great deal, but + still he is more interested in earnest books and earnest subjects + to talk upon, than in humorous ones.[14] + + When we are all alone at home, nine times out of ten, he talks + about some very earnest subjects, (with an ocasional joke thrown + in) and he a good deal more often talks upon such subjects than + upon the other kind. + + He is as much of a Pholosopher as anything I think. I think he + could have done a great deal in this direction if he had studied + while young, for he seems to enjoy reasoning out things, no matter + what; in a great many such directions he has greater ability than + in the gifts which have made him famous. + + +Thus at fourteen she had made up her mind about me, and in no timorous +or uncertain terms had set down her reasons for her opinion. Fifteen +years were to pass before any other critic--except Mr. Howells, I +think--was to reutter that daring opinion and print it. Right or wrong, +it was a brave position for that little analyser to take. She never +withdrew it afterward, nor modified it. She has spoken of herself as +lacking physical courage, and has evinced her admiration of Clara's; but +she had moral courage, which is the rarest of human qualities, and she +kept it functionable by exercising it. I think that in questions of +morals and politics she was usually on my side; but when she was not +she had her reasons and maintained her ground. Two years after she +passed out of my life I wrote a Philosophy. Of the three persons who +have seen the manuscript only one understood it, and all three condemned +it. If she could have read it, she also would have condemned it, +possibly,--probably, in fact--but she would have understood it. It would +have had no difficulties for her on that score; also she would have +found a tireless pleasure in analyzing and discussing its problems. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTES: + +[13] It is so yet--M. T. + +[14] She has said it well and correctly. Humor is a subject which has +never had much interest for me. This is why I have never examined it, +nor written about it nor used it as a topic for a speech. A hundred +times it has been offered me as a topic in these past forty years, but +in no case has it attracted me.--M. T. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXVI. + +JUNE 7, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XIX. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + _March 23, '86._--The other day was my birthday, and I had a little + birthday party in the evening and papa acted some very funny + charades with Mr. Gherhardt, Mr. Jesse Grant (who had come up from + New York and was spending the evening with us) and Mr. Frank + Warner. One of them was "on his knees" honys-sneeze. There were a + good many other funny ones, all of which I dont remember. Mr. Grant + was very pleasant, and began playing the charades in the most + delightful way. + + +Susy's spelling has defeated me, this time. I cannot make out what +"honys-sneeze" stands for. Impromptu charades were almost a nightly +pastime of ours, from the children's earliest days--they played in them +with me when they were only five or six years old. As they increased in +years and practice their love for the sport almost amounted to a +passion, and they acted their parts with a steadily increasing ability. +At first they required much drilling; but later they were generally +ready as soon as the parts were assigned, and they acted them according +to their own devices. Their stage facility and absence of constraint and +self-consciousness in the "Prince and Pauper" was a result of their +charading practice. + +At ten and twelve Susy wrote plays, and she and Daisy Warner and Clara +played them in the library or up-stairs in the school-room, with only +themselves and the servants for audience. They were of a tragic and +tremendous sort, and were performed with great energy and earnestness. +They were dramatized (freely) from English history, and in them Mary +Queen of Scots and Elizabeth had few holidays. The clothes were borrowed +from the mother's wardrobe and the gowns were longer than necessary, but +that was not regarded as a defect. In one of these plays Jean (three +years old, perhaps) was Sir Francis Bacon. She was not dressed for the +part, and did not have to say anything, but sat silent and decorous at a +tiny table and was kept busy signing death-warrants. It was a really +important office, for few entered those plays and got out of them alive. + + + _March 26._--Mamma and Papa have been in New York for two or three + days, and Miss Corey has been staying with us. They are coming home + to-day at two o'clock. + + Papa has just begun to play chess, and he is very fond of it, so he + has engaged to play with Mrs. Charles Warner every morning from 10 + to 12, he came down to supper last night, full of this pleasant + prospect, but evidently with something on his mind. Finally he said + to mamma in an appologetical tone, Susy Warner and I have a plan. + + "Well" mamma said "what now, I wonder?" + + Papa said that Susy Warner and he were going to name the chess + after some of the old bible heroes, and then play chess on Sunday. + + + _April 18, '86._--Mamma and papa Clara and Daisy have gone to New + York to see the "Mikado." They are coming home to-night at half + past seven. + + Last winter when Mr. Cable was lecturing with papa, he wrote this + letter to him just before he came to visit us. + + + DEAR UNCLE,--That's one nice thing about me, I never bother any + one, to offer me a good thing twice. You dont ask me to stay over + Sunday, but then you dont ask me to leave Saturday night, and + knowing the nobility of your nature as I do--thank you, I'll stay + till Monday morning.[15] + + Your's and the dear familie's + GEORGE W. CABLE. + + +[_December 22, 1906._] It seems a prodigious while ago! Two or three +nights ago I dined at a friend's house with a score of other men, and at +my side was Cable--actually almost an old man, really almost an old man, +that once so young chap! 62 years old, frost on his head, seven +grandchildren in stock, and a brand-new wife to re-begin life with! + +[_Dictated Nov. 19, 1906._] + + + Ever since papa and mamma were married, papa has written his books + and then taken them to mamma in manuscript and she has expergated + them. Papa read "Huckleberry Finn" to us in manuscript just before + it came out, and then he would leave parts of it with mamma to + expergate, while he went off up to the study to work, and sometimes + Clara and I would be sitting with mamma while she was looking the + manuscript over, and I remember so well, with what pangs of regret + we used to see her turn down the leaves of the pages, which meant + that some delightfully dreadful part must be scratched out. And I + remember one part pertickularly which was perfectly fascinating it + was dreadful, that Clara and I used to delight in, and oh with what + dispair we saw mamma turn down the leaf on which it was written, we + thought the book would be almost ruined without it. But we + gradually came to feel as mamma did. + + +It would be a pity to replace the vivacity and quaintness and felicity +of Susy's innocent free spelling with the dull and petrified +uniformities of the spelling-book. Nearly all the grimness it taken out +of the "expergating" of my books by the subtle mollification +accidentally infused into the word by Susy's modification of the +spelling of it. + +I remember the special case mentioned by Susy, and can see the group +yet--two-thirds of it pleading for the life of the culprit sentence that +was so fascinatingly dreadful and the other third of it patiently +explaining why the court could not grant the prayer of the pleaders; but +I do not remember what the condemned phrase was. It had much company, +and they all went to the gallows; but it is possible that that specially +dreadful one which gave those little people so much delight was +cunningly devised and put into the book for just that function, and not +with any hope or expectation that it would get by the "exper-gator" +alive. It is possible, for I had that custom. + +Susy's quaint and effective spelling falls quite opportunely into +to-day's atmosphere, which is heavy with the rumblings and grumblings +and mutterings of the Simplified Spelling Reform. Andrew Carnegie +started this storm, a couple of years ago, by moving a simplifying of +English orthography, and establishing a fund for the prosecution and +maintenance of the crusade. He began gently. He addressed a circular to +some hundreds of his friends, asking them to simplify the spelling of a +dozen of our badly spelt words--I think they were only words which end +with the superfluous _ugh_. He asked that these friends use the +suggested spellings in their private correspondence. + +By this, one perceives that the beginning was sufficiently quiet and +unaggressive. + +Next stage: a small committee was appointed, with Brander Matthews for +managing director and spokesman. It issued a list of three hundred +words, of average silliness as to spelling, and proposed new and sane +spellings for these words. The President of the United States, +unsolicited, adopted these simplified three hundred officially, and +ordered that they be used in the official documents of the Government. +It was now remarked, by all the educated and the thoughtful except the +clergy that Sheol was to pay. This was most justly and comprehensively +descriptive. The indignant British lion rose, with a roar that was heard +across the Atlantic, and stood there on his little isle, gazing, +red-eyed, out over the glooming seas, snow-flecked with driving +spindrift, and lathing his tail--a most scary spectacle to see. + +The lion was outraged because we, a nation of children, without any +grown-up people among us, with no property in the language, but using it +merely by courtesy of its owner the English nation, were trying to +defile the sacredness of it by removing from it peculiarities which had +been its ornament and which had made it holy and beautiful for ages. + +In truth there is a certain sardonic propriety in preserving our +orthography, since ours is a mongrel language which started with a +child's vocabulary of three hundred words, and now consists of two +hundred and twenty-five thousand; the whole lot, with the exception of +the original and legitimate three hundred, borrowed, stolen, smouched +from every unwatched language under the sun, the spelling of each +individual word of the lot locating the source of the theft and +preserving the memory of the revered crime. + +Why is it that I have intruded into this turmoil and manifested a desire +to get our orthography purged of its asininities? Indeed I do not know +why I should manifest any interest in the matter, for at bottom I +disrespect our orthography most heartily, and as heartily disrespect +everything that has been said by anybody in defence of it. Nothing +professing to be a defence of our ludicrous spellings has had any basis, +so far as my observation goes, except sentimentality. In these +"arguments" the term venerable is used instead of mouldy, and hallowed +instead of devilish; whereas there is nothing properly venerable or +antique about a language which is not yet four hundred years old, and +about a jumble of imbecile spellings which were grotesque in the +beginning, and which grow more and more grotesque with the flight of the +years. + +[_Dictated Monday, November 30, 1906._] + + + Jean and Papa were walking out past the barn the other day when + Jean saw some little newly born baby ducks, she exclaimed as she + perceived them "I dont see why God gives us so much ducks when + Patrick kills them so." + + +Susy is mistaken as to the origin of the ducks. They were not a gift, I +bought them. I am not finding fault with her, for that would be most +unfair. She is remarkably accurate in her statements as a historian, as +a rule, and it would not be just to make much of this small slip of +hers; besides I think it was a quite natural slip, for by heredity and +habit ours was a religious household, and it was a common thing with us +whenever anybody did a handsome thing, to give the credit of it to +Providence, without examining into the matter. This may be called +automatic religion--in fact that is what it is; it is so used to its +work that it can do it without your help or even your privity; out of +all the facts and statistics that may be placed before it, it will +always get the one result, since it has never been taught to seek any +other. It is thus the unreflecting cause of much injustice. As we have +seen, it betrayed Susy into an injustice toward me. It had to be +automatic, for she would have been far from doing me an injustice when +in her right mind. It was a dear little biographer, and she meant me no +harm, and I am not censuring her now, but am only desirous of correcting +in advance an erroneous impression which her words would be sure to +convey to a reader's mind. No elaboration of this matter is necessary; +it is sufficient to say _I_ provided the ducks. + +It was in Hartford. The greensward sloped down-hill from the house to +the sluggish little river that flowed through the grounds, and Patrick, +who was fertile in good ideas, had early conceived the idea of having +home-made ducks for our table. Every morning he drove them from the +stable down to the river, and the children were always there to see and +admire the waddling white procession; they were there again at sunset to +see Patrick conduct the procession back to its lodgings in the stable. +But this was not always a gay and happy holiday show, with joy in it for +the witnesses; no, too frequently there was a tragedy connected with it, +and then there were tears and pain for the children. There was a +stranded log or two in the river, and on these certain families of +snapping-turtles used to congregate and drowse in the sun and give +thanks, in their dumb way, to Providence for benevolence extended to +them. It was but another instance of misplaced credit; it was the young +ducks that those pious reptiles were so thankful for--whereas they were +_my_ ducks. I bought the ducks. + +When a crop of young ducks, not yet quite old enough for the table but +approaching that age, began to join the procession, and paddle around in +the sluggish water, and give thanks--not to me--for that privilege, the +snapping-turtles would suspend their songs of praise and slide off the +logs and paddle along under the water and chew the feet of the young +ducks. Presently Patrick would notice that two or three of those little +creatures were not moving about, but were apparently at anchor, and were +not looking as thankful as they had been looking a short time before. He +early found out what that sign meant--a submerged snapping-turtle was +taking his breakfast, and silently singing his gratitude. Every day or +two Patrick would rescue and fetch up a little duck with incomplete legs +to stand upon--nothing left of their extremities but gnawed and bleeding +stumps. Then the children said pitying things and wept--and at dinner we +finished the tragedy which the turtles had begun. Thus, as will be +seen--out of season, at least--it was really the turtles that gave us +so much ducks. At my expense. + + + Papa has written a new version of "There is a happy land" it is-- + + + "There is a boarding-house + Far, far away, + Where they have ham and eggs, + Three times a day. + Oh dont those boarders yell + When they hear the dinner-bell, + They give that land-lord rats + Three times a day." + + +Again Susy has made a small error. It was not I that wrote the song. I +heard Billy Rice sing it in the negro minstrel show, and I brought it +home and sang it--with great spirit--for the elevation of the household. +The children admired it to the limit, and made me sing it with +burdensome frequency. To their minds it was superior to the Battle Hymn +of the Republic. + +How many years ago that was! Where now is Billy Rice? He was a joy to +me, and so were the other stars of the nigger-show--Billy Birch, David +Wambold, Backus, and a delightful dozen of their brethren, who made life +a pleasure to me forty years ago, and later. Birch, Wambold, and Backus +are gone years ago; and with them departed to return no more forever, I +suppose, the real nigger-show--the genuine nigger-show, the extravagant +nigger-show,--the show which to me had no peer and whose peer has not +yet arrived, in my experience. We have the grand opera; and I have +witnessed, and greatly enjoyed, the first act of everything which Wagner +created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act +was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone +away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera +the result has been the next thing to suicide. But if I could have the +nigger-show back again, in its pristine purity and perfection, I should +have but little further use for opera. It seems to me that to the +elevated mind and the sensitive spirit the hand-organ and the +nigger-show are a standard and a summit to whose rarefied altitude the +other forms of musical art may not hope to reach. + +[_Dictated September 5, 1906._] It is years since I have examined "The +Children's Record." I have turned over a few of its pages this morning. +This book is a record in which Mrs. Clemens and I registered some of +the sayings and doings of the children, in the long ago, when they were +little chaps. Of course, we wrote these things down at the time because +they were of momentary interest--things of the passing hour, and of no +permanent value--but at this distant day I find that they still possess +an interest for me and also a value, because it turns out that they were +_registrations of character_. The qualities then revealed by fitful +glimpses, in childish acts and speeches, remained as a permanency in the +children's characters in the drift of the years, and were always +afterwards clearly and definitely recognizable. + +There is a masterful streak in Jean that now and then moves her to set +my authority aside for a moment and end a losing argument in that prompt +and effective fashion. And here in this old book I find evidence that +she was just like that before she was quite four years old. + + + _From The Children's Record. Quarry Farm, July 7, 1884._--Yesterday + evening our cows (after being inspected and worshipped by Jean from + the shed for an hour,) wandered off down into the pasture, and left + her bereft. I thought I was going to get back home, now, but that + was an error. Jean knew of some more cows, in a field somewhere, + and took my hand and led me thitherward. When we turned the corner + and took the right-hand road, I saw that we should presently be out + of range of call and sight; so I began to argue against continuing + the expedition, and Jean began to argue in favor of it--she using + English for light skirmishing, and German for "business." I kept up + my end with vigor, and demolished her arguments in detail, one + after the other, till I judged I had her about cornered. She + hesitated a moment, then answered up sharply: + + "_Wir werden nichts mehr darüber sprechen!_" (We won't talk any + more about it!) + + It nearly took my breath away; though I thought I might possibly + have misunderstood. I said: + + "Why, you little rascal! _Was hast du gesagt?_" + + But she said the same words over again, and in the same decided + way. I suppose I ought to have been outraged; but I wasn't, I was + charmed. And I suppose I ought to have spanked her; but I didn't, I + fraternized with the enemy, and we went on and spent half an hour + with the cows. + + +That incident is followed in the "Record" by the following paragraph, +which is another instance of a juvenile characteristic maintaining +itself into mature age. Susy was persistently and conscientiously +truthful throughout her life with the exception of one interruption +covering several months, and perhaps a year. This was while she was +still a little child. Suddenly--not gradually--she began to lie; not +furtively, but frankly, openly, and on a scale quite disproportioned to +her size. Her mother was so stunned, so nearly paralyzed for a day or +two, that she did not know what to do with the emergency. Reasonings, +persuasions, beseechings, all went for nothing; they produced no effect; +the lying went tranquilly on. Other remedies were tried, but they +failed. There is a tradition that success was finally accomplished by +whipping. I think the Record says so, but if it does it is because the +Record is incomplete. Whipping was indeed tried, and was faithfully kept +up during two or three weeks, but the results were merely temporary; the +reforms achieved were discouragingly brief. + +Fortunately for Susy, an incident presently occurred which put a +complete stop to all the mother's efforts in the direction of reform. +This incident was the chance discovery in Darwin of a passage which said +that when a child exhibits a sudden and unaccountable disposition to +forsake the truth and restrict itself to lying, the explanation must be +sought away back in the past; that an ancestor of the child had had the +same disease, at the same tender age; that it was irremovable by +persuasion or punishment, and that it had ceased as suddenly and as +mysteriously as it had come, when it had run its appointed course. I +think Mr. Darwin said that nothing was necessary but to leave the matter +alone and let the malady have its way and perish by the statute of +limitations. + +We had confidence in Darwin, and after that day Susy was relieved of our +reformatory persecutions. She went on lying without let or hindrance +during several months, or a year; then the lying suddenly ceased, and +she became as conscientiously and exactingly truthful as she had been +before the attack, and she remained so to the end of her life. + +The paragraph in the Record to which I have been leading up is in my +handwriting, and is of a date so long posterior to the time of the lying +malady that she had evidently forgotten that truth-speaking had ever had +any difficulties for her. + + + Mama was speaking of a servant who had been pretty unveracious, but + was now "trying to tell the truth." Susy was a good deal surprised, + and said she shouldn't think anybody would have to _try_ to tell + the truth. + + +In the Record the children's acts and speeches quite definitely define +their characters. Susy's indicated the presence of mentality-- +thought--and they were generally marked by gravity. She was timid, on +her physical side, but had an abundance of moral courage. Clara was +sturdy, independent, orderly, practical, persistent, plucky--just a +little animal, and very satisfactory. Charles Dudley Warner said Susy +was made of mind, and Clara of matter. + +When Motley, the kitten, died, some one said that the thoughts of the +two children need not be inquired into, they could be divined: that Susy +was wondering if this was the _end_ of Motley, and had his life been +worth while; whereas Clara was merely interested in seeing to it that +there should be a creditable funeral. + +In those days Susy was a dreamer, a thinker, a poet and philosopher, and +Clara--well, Clara wasn't. In after-years a passion for music developed +the latent spirituality and intellectuality in Clara, and her +practicality took second and, in fact, even third place. Jean was from +the beginning orderly, steady, diligent, persistent; and remains so. She +picked up languages easily, and kept them. + + + _Susy aged eleven, Jean three._--Susy said the other day when she + saw Jean bringing a cat to me of her own motion, "Jean has found + out already that mamma loves morals and papa loves cats." + + +It is another of Susy's remorselessly sound verdicts. + +As a child, Jean neglected my books. When she was nine years old Will +Gillette invited her and the rest of us to a dinner at the Murray Hill +Hotel in New York, in order that we might get acquainted with Mrs. +Leslie and her daughters. Elsie Leslie was nine years old, and was a +great celebrity on the stage. Jean was astonished and awed to see that +little slip of a thing sit up at table and take part in the conversation +of the grown people, capably and with ease and tranquillity. Poor Jean +was obliged to keep still, for the subjects discussed never happened to +hit her level, but at last the talk fell within her limit and she had +her chance to contribute to it. "Tom Sawyer" was mentioned. Jean spoke +gratefully up and said, + +"I know who wrote that book--Harriet Beecher Stowe!" + + + One evening Susy had prayed, Clara was curled up for sleep; she was + reminded that it was her turn to pray now. She laid "Oh! one's + enough," and dropped off to slumber. + + _Clara five years old._--We were in Germany. The nurse, Rosa, was + not allowed to speak to the children otherwise than in German. + Clara grew very tired of it; by and by the little creature's + patience was exhausted, and she said "Aunt Clara, I wish God had + made Rosa in English." + + _Clara four years old, Susy six._--This morning when Clara + discovered that this is my birthday, she was greatly troubled + because she had provided no gift for me, and repeated her sorrow + several times. Finally she went musing to the nursery and presently + returned with her newest and dearest treasure, a large toy horse, + and said, "You shall have this horse for your birthday, papa." + + I accepted it with many thanks. After an hour she was racing up and + down the room with the horse, when Susy said, + + "Why Clara, you gave that horse to papa, and now you've tooken it + again." + + _Clara._--"I never give it to him for always; I give it to him for + his birthday." + + + In Geneva, in September, I lay abed late one morning, and as Clara + was passing through the room I took her on my bed a moment. Then + the child went to Clara Spaulding and said, + + "Aunt Clara, papa is a good deal of trouble to me." + + "Is he? Why?" + + "Well, he wants me to get in bed with him, and I can't do that with + jelmuls [gentlemen]--I don't like jelmuls anyway." + + "What, you don't like gentlemen! Don't you like Uncle Theodore + Crane?" + + "Oh yes, but he's not a jelmul, he's a friend." + + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[15] Cable never travelled Sundays. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXVIII. + +JULY 5, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XX. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1868.)] + +[_Notes on "Innocents Abroad." Dictated in Florence, Italy, April, +1904._]--I will begin with a note upon the dedication. I wrote the book +in the months of March and April, 1868, in San Francisco. It was +published in August, 1869. Three years afterward Mr. Goodman, of +Virginia City, Nevada, on whose newspaper I had served ten years before, +came East, and we were walking down Broadway one day when he said: "How +did you come to steal Oliver Wendell Holmes's dedication and put it in +your book?" + +I made a careless and inconsequential answer, for I supposed he was +joking. But he assured me that he was in earnest. He said: "I'm not +discussing the question of whether you stole it or didn't--for that is a +question that can be settled in the first bookstore we come to--I am +only asking you _how_ you came to steal it, for that is where my +curiosity is focalized." + +I couldn't accommodate him with this information, as I hadn't it in +stock. I could have made oath that I had not stolen anything, therefore +my vanity was not hurt nor my spirit troubled. At bottom I supposed that +he had mistaken another book for mine, and was now getting himself into +an untenable place and preparing sorrow for himself and triumph for me. +We entered a bookstore and he asked for "The Innocents Abroad" and for +the dainty little blue and gold edition of Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes's +poems. He opened the books, exposed their dedications and said: "Read +them. It is plain that the author of the second one stole the first one, +isn't it?" + +I was very much ashamed, and unspeakably astonished. We continued our +walk, but I was not able to throw any gleam of light upon that original +question of his. I could not remember ever having seen Dr. Holmes's +dedication. I knew the poems, but the dedication was new to me. + +I did not get hold of the key to that secret until months afterward, +then it came in a curious way, and yet it was a natural way; for the +natural way provided by nature and the construction of the human mind +for the discovery of a forgotten event is to employ another forgotten +event for its resurrection. + +[Sidenote: (1866.)] + +I received a letter from the Rev. Dr. Rising, who had been rector of the +Episcopal church in Virginia City in my time, in which letter Dr. Rising +made reference to certain things which had happened to us in the +Sandwich Islands six years before; among things he made casual mention +of the Honolulu Hotel's poverty in the matter of literature. At first I +did not see the bearing of the remark, it called nothing to my mind. But +presently it did--with a flash! There was but one book in Mr. Kirchhof's +hotel, and that was the first volume of Dr. Holmes's blue and gold +series. I had had a fortnight's chance to get well acquainted with its +contents, for I had ridden around the big island (Hawaii) on horseback +and had brought back so many saddle boils that if there had been a duty +on them it would have bankrupted me to pay it. They kept me in my room, +unclothed, and in persistent pain for two weeks, with no company but +cigars and the little volume of poems. Of course I read them almost +constantly; I read them from beginning to end, then read them backwards, +then began in the middle and read them both ways, then read them wrong +end first and upside down. In a word, I read the book to rags, and was +infinitely grateful to the hand that wrote it. + +Here we have an exhibition of what repetition can do, when persisted in +daily and hourly over a considerable stretch of time, where one is +merely reading for entertainment, without thought or intention of +preserving in the memory that which is read. It is a process which in +the course of years dries all the juice out of a familiar verse of +Scripture, leaving nothing but a sapless husk behind. In that case you +at least know the origin of the husk, but in the case in point I +apparently preserved the husk but presently forgot whence it came. It +lay lost in some dim corner of my memory a year or two, then came +forward when I needed a dedication, and was promptly mistaken by me as a +child of my own happy fancy. + +I was new, I was ignorant, the mysteries of the human mind were a sealed +book to me as yet, and I stupidly looked upon myself as a tough and +unforgivable criminal. I wrote to Dr. Holmes and told him the whole +disgraceful affair, implored him in impassioned language to believe that +I had never intended to commit this crime, and was unaware that I had +committed it until I was confronted with the awful evidence. I have lost +his answer, I could better have afforded to lose an uncle. Of these I +had a surplus, many of them of no real value to me, but that letter was +beyond price, beyond uncledom, and unsparable. In it Dr. Holmes laughed +the kindest and healingest laugh over the whole matter, and at +considerable length and in happy phrase assured me that there was no +crime in unconscious plagiarism; that I committed it every day, that he +committed it every day, that every man alive on the earth who writes or +speaks commits it every day and not merely once or twice but every time +he opens his mouth; that all our phrasings are spiritualized shadows +cast multitudinously from our readings; that no happy phrase of ours is +ever quite original with us, there is nothing of our own in it except +some slight change born of our temperament, character, environment, +teachings and associations; that this slight change differentiates it +from another man's manner of saying it, stamps it with our special +style, and makes it our own for the time being; all the rest of it being +old, moldy, antique, and smelling of the breath of a thousand +generations of them that have passed it over their teeth before! + +In the thirty-odd years which have come and gone since then, I have +satisfied myself that what Dr. Holmes said was true. + +I wish to make a note upon the preface of the "Innocents." In the last +paragraph of that brief preface, I speak of the proprietors of the +"Daily Alta California" having "waived their rights" in certain letters +which I wrote for that journal while absent on the "Quaker City" trip. I +was young then, I am white-headed now, but the insult of that word +rankles yet, now that I am reading that paragraph for the first time in +many years, reading it for the first time since it was written, perhaps. +There were rights, it is true--such rights as the strong are able to +acquire over the weak and the absent. Early in '66 George Barnes invited +me to resign my reportership on his paper, the San Francisco "Morning +Call," and for some months thereafter I was without money or work; then +I had a pleasant turn of fortune. The proprietors of the "Sacramento +Union," a great and influential daily journal, sent me to the Sandwich +Islands to write four letters a month at twenty dollars apiece. I was +there four or five months, and returned to find myself about the best +known honest man on the Pacific Coast. Thomas McGuire, proprietor of +several theatres, said that now was the time to make my fortune--strike +while the iron was hot!--break into the lecture field! I did it. I +announced a lecture on the Sandwich Islands, closing the advertisement +with the remark, "Admission one dollar; doors open at half-past 7, the +trouble begins at 8." A true prophecy. The trouble certainly did begin +at 8, when I found myself in front of the only audience I had ever +faced, for the fright which pervaded me from head to foot was +paralyzing. It lasted two minutes and was as bitter as death, the memory +of it is indestructible, but it had its compensations, for it made me +immune from timidity before audiences for all time to come. I lectured +in all the principal Californian towns and in Nevada, then lectured once +or twice more in San Francisco, then retired from the field rich--for +me--and laid out a plan to sail Westward from San Francisco, and go +around the world. The proprietors of the "Alta" engaged me to write an +account of the trip for that paper--fifty letters of a column and a half +each, which would be about two thousand words per letter, and the pay to +be twenty dollars per letter. + +I went East to St. Louis to say good-bye to my mother, and then I was +bitten by the prospectus of Captain Duncan of the "Quaker City" +excursion, and I ended by joining it. During the trip I wrote and sent +the fifty letters; six of them miscarried, and I wrote six new ones to +complete my contract. Then I put together a lecture on the trip and +delivered it in San Francisco at great and satisfactory pecuniary +profit, then I branched out into the country and was aghast at the +result: I had been entirely forgotten, I never had people enough in my +houses to sit as a jury of inquest on my lost reputation! I inquired +into this curious condition of things and found that the thrifty owners +of that prodigiously rich "Alta" newspaper had _copyrighted_ all those +poor little twenty-dollar letters, and had threatened with prosecution +any journal which should venture to copy a paragraph from them! + +And there I was! I had contracted to furnish a large book, concerning +the excursion, to the American Publishing Co. of Hartford, and I +supposed I should need all those letters to fill it out with. I was in +an uncomfortable situation--that is, if the proprietors of this +stealthily acquired copyright should refuse to let me use the letters. +That is just what they did; Mr. Mac--something--I have forgotten the +rest of his name--said his firm were going to make a book out of the +letters in order to get back the thousand dollars which they had paid +for them. I said that if they had acted fairly and honorably, and had +allowed the country press to use the letters or portions of them, my +lecture-skirmish on the coast would have paid me ten thousand dollars, +whereas the "Alta" had lost me that amount. Then he offered a +compromise: he would publish the book and allow me ten per cent. royalty +on it. The compromise did not appeal to me, and I said so. I was now +quite unknown outside of San Francisco, the book's sale would be +confined to that city, and my royalty would not pay me enough to board +me three months; whereas my Eastern contract, if carried out, could be +profitable to me, for I had a sort of reputation on the Atlantic +seaboard acquired through the publication of six excursion-letters in +the New York "Tribune" and one or two in the "Herald." + +In the end Mr. Mac agreed to suppress his book, on certain conditions: +in my preface I must thank the "Alta" for waiving "rights" and granting +me permission. I objected to the thanks. I could not with any large +degree of sincerity thank the "Alta" for bankrupting my lecture-raid. +After considerable debate my point was conceded and the thanks left out. + +[Sidenote: (1902.)] + +[Sidenote: (1904.)] + +[Sidenote: (1897.)] + +Noah Brooks was the editor of the "Alta" at the time, a man of sterling +character and equipped with a right heart, also a good historian where +facts were not essential. In biographical sketches of me written many +years afterward (1902), he was quite eloquent in praises of the +generosity of the "Alta" people in giving to me without compensation a +book which, as history had afterward shown, was worth a fortune. After +all the fuss, I did not levy heavily upon the "Alta" letters. I found +that they were newspaper matter, not book matter. They had been written +here and there and yonder, as opportunity had given me a chance +working-moment or two during our feverish flight around about Europe or +in the furnace-heat of my stateroom on board the "Quaker City," +therefore they were loosely constructed, and needed to have some of the +wind and water squeezed out of them. I used several of them--ten or +twelve, perhaps. I wrote the rest of "The Innocents Abroad" in sixty +days, and I could have added a fortnight's labor with the pen and gotten +along without the letters altogether. I was very young in those days, +exceedingly young, marvellously young, younger than I am now, younger +than I shall ever be again, by hundreds of years. I worked every night +from eleven or twelve until broad day in the morning, and as I did two +hundred thousand words in the sixty days, the average was more than +three thousand words a day--nothing for Sir Walter Scott, nothing for +Louis Stevenson, nothing for plenty of other people, but quite handsome +for me. In 1897, when we were living in Tedworth Square, London, and I +was writing the book called "Following the Equator" my average was +eighteen hundred words a day; here in Florence (1904), my average seems +to be fourteen hundred words per sitting of four or five hours.[16] + +I was deducing from the above that I have been slowing down steadily in +these thirty-six years, but I perceive that my statistics have a +defect: three thousand words in the spring of 1868 when I was working +seven or eight or nine hours at a sitting has little or no advantage +over the sitting of to-day, covering half the time and producing half +the output. Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the +arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to +Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: + +"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." + +[_Dictated, January 23, 1907._]--The proverb says that Providence +protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know it because I +have tested it. It did not protect George through the most of his +campaign, but it saved him in his last inning, and the veracity of the +proverb stood confirmed. + +[Sidenote: (1865.)] + +I have several times been saved by this mysterious interposition, when I +was manifestly in extreme peril. It has been common, all my life, for +smart people to perceive in me an easy prey for selfish designs, and I +have walked without suspicion into the trap set for me, yet have often +come out unscathed, against all the likelihoods. More than forty years +ago, in San Francisco, the office staff adjourned, upon conclusion of +its work at two o'clock in the morning, to a great bowling establishment +where there were twelve alleys. I was invited, rather perfunctorily, and +as a matter of etiquette--by which I mean that I was invited politely, +but not urgently. But when I diffidently declined, with thanks, and +explained that I knew nothing about the game, those lively young fellows +became at once eager and anxious and urgent to have my society. This +flattered me, for I perceived no trap, and I innocently and gratefully +accepted their invitation. I was given an alley all to myself. The boys +explained the game to me, and they also explained to me that there would +be an hour's play, and that the player who scored the fewest ten-strikes +in the hour would have to provide oysters and beer for the combination. +This disturbed me very seriously, since it promised me bankruptcy, and I +was sorry that this detail had been overlooked in the beginning. But my +pride would not allow me to back out now, so I stayed in, and did what I +could to look satisfied and glad I had come. It is not likely that I +looked as contented as I wanted to, but the others looked glad enough to +make up for it, for they were quite unable to hide their evil joy. They +showed me how to stand, and how to stoop, and how to aim the ball, and +how to let fly; and then the game began. The results were astonishing. +In my ignorance I delivered the balls in apparently every way except the +right one; but no matter--during half an hour I never started a ball +down the alley that didn't score a ten-strike, every time, at the other +end. The others lost their grip early, and their joy along with it. Now +and then one of them got a ten-strike, but the occurrence was so rare +that it made no show alongside of my giant score. The boys surrendered +at the end of the half-hour, and put on their coats and gathered around +me and in courteous, but sufficiently definite, language expressed their +opinion of an experience-worn and seasoned expert who would stoop to +lying and deception in order to rob kind and well-meaning friends who +had put their trust in him under the delusion that he was an honest and +honorable person. I was not able to convince them that I had not lied, +for now my character was gone, and they refused to attach any value to +anything I said. The proprietor of the place stood by for a while saying +nothing, then he came to my defence. He said: "It looks like a mystery, +gentlemen, but it isn't a mystery after it's explained. That is a +_grooved_ alley; you've only to start a ball down it any way you please +and the groove will do the rest; it will slam the ball against the +northeast curve of the head pin every time, and nothing can save the ten +from going down." + +It was true. The boys made the experiment and they found that there was +no art that could send a ball down that alley and fail to score a +ten-strike with it. When I had told those boys that I knew nothing about +that game I was speaking only the truth; but it was ever thus, all +through my life: whenever I have diverged from custom and principle and +uttered a truth, the rule has been that the hearer hadn't strength of +mind enough to believe it. + +[Sidenote: (1873.)] + +A quarter of a century ago I arrived in London to lecture a few weeks +under the management of George Dolby, who had conducted the Dickens +readings in America five or six years before. He took me to the +Albemarle and fed me, and in the course of the dinner he enlarged a good +deal, and with great satisfaction, upon his reputation as a player of +fifteen-ball pool, and when he learned by my testimony that I had never +seen the game played, and knew nothing of the art of pocketing balls, +he enlarged more and more, and still more, and kept on enlarging, until +I recognized that I was either in the presence of the very father of +fifteen-ball pool or in the presence of his most immediate descendant. +At the end of the dinner Dolby was eager to introduce me to the game and +show me what he could do. We adjourned to the billiard-room and he +framed the balls in a flat pyramid and told me to fire at the apex ball +and then go on and do what I could toward pocketing the fifteen, after +which he would take the cue and show me what a past-master of the game +could do with those balls. I did as required. I began with the +diffidence proper to my ignorant estate, and when I had finished my +inning all the balls were in the pockets and Dolby was burying me under +a volcanic irruption of acid sarcasms. + +So I was a liar in Dolby's belief. He thought he had been sold, and at a +cheap rate; but he divided his sarcasms quite fairly and quite equally +between the two of us. He was full of ironical admiration of his +childishness and innocence in letting a wandering and characterless and +scandalous American load him up with deceptions of so transparent a +character that they ought not to have deceived the house cat. On the +other hand, he was remorselessly severe upon me for beguiling him, by +studied and discreditable artifice, into bragging and boasting about his +poor game in the presence of a professional expert disguised in lies and +frauds, who could empty more balls in billiard pockets in an hour than +he could empty into a basket in a day. + +In the matter of fifteen-ball pool I never got Dolby's confidence wholly +back, though I got it in other ways, and kept it until his death. I have +played that game a number of times since, but that first time was the +only time in my life that I have ever pocketed all the fifteen in a +single inning. + +[Sidenote: (1876.)] + +My unsuspicious nature has made it necessary for Providence to save me +from traps a number of times. Thirty years ago, a couple of Elmira +bankers invited me to play the game of "Quaker" with them. I had never +heard of the game before, and said that if it required intellect, I +should not be able to entertain them. But they said it was merely a game +of chance, and required no mentality--so I agreed to make a trial of it. +They appointed four in the afternoon for the sacrifice. As the place, +they chose a ground-floor room with a large window in it. Then they +went treacherously around and advertised the "sell" which they were +going to play upon me. + +I arrived on time, and we began the game--with a large and eager +free-list to superintend it. These superintendents were outside, with +their noses pressed against the window-pane. The bankers described the +game to me. So far as I recollect, the pattern of it was this: they had +a pile of Mexican dollars on the table; twelve of them were of even +date, fifty of them were of odd dates. The bankers were to separate a +coin from the pile and hide it under a hand, and I must guess "odd" or +"even." If I guessed correctly, the coin would be mine; if incorrectly, +I lost a dollar. The first guess I made was "even," and was right. I +guessed again, "even," and took the money. They fed me another one and I +guessed "even" again, and took the money. I guessed "even" the fourth +time, and took the money. It seemed to me that "even" was a good guess, +and I might as well stay by it, which I did. I guessed "even" twelve +times, and took the twelve dollars. I was doing as they secretly +desired. Their experience of human nature had convinced them that any +human being as innocent as my face proclaimed me to be, would repeat his +first guess if it won, and would go on repeating it if it should +continue to win. It was their belief that an innocent would be almost +sure at the beginning to guess "even," and not "odd," and that if an +innocent should guess "even" twelve times in succession and win every +time, he would go on guessing "even" to the end--so it was their purpose +to let me win those twelve even dates and then advance the odd dates, +one by one, until I should lose fifty dollars, and furnish those +superintendents something to laugh about for a week to come. + +But it did not come out in that way; for by the time I had won the +twelfth dollar and last even date, I withdrew from the game because it +was so one-sided that it was monotonous, and did not entertain me. There +was a burst of laughter from the superintendents at the window when I +came out of the place, but I did not know what they were laughing at nor +whom they were laughing at, and it was a matter of no interest to me +anyway. Through that incident I acquired an enviable reputation for +smartness and penetration, but it was not my due, for I had not +penetrated anything that the cow could not have penetrated. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[16] With the pen, I mean. This Autobiography is dictated, not written. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXX. + +AUGUST 2, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XXI. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +_From Susy's Biography of Me._ + + + _Feb. 12, '86._ + + Mamma and I have both been very much troubled of late because papa + since he has been publishing Gen. Grant's book has seemed to forget + his own books and work entirely, and the other evening as papa and + I were promonading up and down the library he told me that he + didn't expect to write but one more book, and then he was ready to + give up work altogether, die, or do anything, he said that he had + written more than he had ever expected to, and the only book that + he had been pertickularly anxious to write was one locked up in the + safe down stairs, not yet published.[17] + + But this intended future of course will never do, and although papa + usually holds to his own opinions and intents with outsiders, when + mamma realy desires anything and says that it must be, papa allways + gives up his plans (at least so far) and does as she says is right + (and she is usually right, if she dissagrees with him at all). It + was because he knew his great tendency to being convinced by her, + that he published without her knowledge that article in the + "Christian Union" concerning the government of children. So judging + by the proofs of past years, I think that we will be able to + persuade papa to go back to work as before, and not leave off + writing with the end of his next story. Mamma says that she + sometimes feels, and I do too, that she would rather have papa + depend on his writing for a living than to have him think of giving + it up. + + +[_Dictated, November 8, 1906._] I have a defect of a sort which I think +is not common; certainly I hope it isn't: it is rare that I can call +before my mind's eye the form and face of either friend or enemy. If I +should make a list, now, of persons whom I know in America and +abroad--say to the number of even an entire thousand--it is quite +unlikely that I could reproduce five of them in my mind's eye. Of my +dearest and most intimate friends, I could name eight whom I have seen +and talked with four days ago, but when I try to call them before me +they are formless shadows. Jean has been absent, this past eight or ten +days, in the country, and I wish I could reproduce her in the mirror of +my mind, but I can't do it. + +It may be that this defect is not constitutional, but a result of +lifelong absence of mind and indolent and inadequate observation. Once +or twice in my life it has been an embarrassment to me. Twenty years +ago, in the days of Susy's Biography of Me, there was a dispute one +morning at the breakfast-table about the color of a neighbor's eyes. I +was asked for a verdict, but had to confess that if that valued neighbor +and old friend had eyes I was not sure that I had ever seen them. It was +then mockingly suggested that perhaps I didn't even know the color of +the eyes of my own family, and I was required to shut my own at once and +testify. I was able to name the color of Mrs. Clemens's eyes, but was +not able to even suggest a color for Jean's, or Clara's, or Susy's. + +All this talk is suggested by Susy's remark: "The other evening as papa +and I were promenading up and down the library." Down to the bottom of +my heart I am thankful that I can see _that_ picture! And it is not dim, +but stands out clear in the unfaded light of twenty-one years ago. In +those days Susy and I used to "promonade" daily up and down the +library, with our arms about each other's waists, and deal in intimate +communion concerning affairs of State, or the deep questions of human +life, or our small personal affairs. + +It was quite natural that I should think I had written myself out when I +was only fifty years old, for everybody who has ever written has been +smitten with that superstition at about that age. Not even yet have I +really written myself out. I have merely stopped writing because +dictating is pleasanter work, and because dictating has given me a +strong aversion to the pen, and because two hours of talking per day is +enough, and because--But I am only damaging my mind with this digging +around in it for pretexts where no pretext is needed, and where the +simple truth is for this one time better than any invention, in this +small emergency. I shall never finish my five or six unfinished books, +for the reason that by forty years of slavery to the pen I have earned +my freedom. I detest the pen and I wouldn't use it again to sign the +death warrant of my dearest enemy. + +[_Dictated, March 8, 1906._] For thirty years, I have received an +average of a dozen letters a year from strangers who remember me, or +whose fathers remember me as boy and young man. But these letters are +almost always disappointing. I have not known these strangers nor their +fathers. I have not heard of the names they mention; the reminiscences +to which they call attention have had no part in my experience; all of +which means that these strangers have been mistaking me for somebody +else. But at last I have the refreshment, this morning, of a letter from +a man who deals in names that were familiar to me in my boyhood. The +writer encloses a newspaper clipping which has been wandering through +the press for four or five weeks, and he wants to know if Capt Tonkray, +lately deceased, was (as stated in the clipping) the original of +"Huckleberry Finn." + +I have replied that "Huckleberry Finn" was Frank F. As this inquirer +evidently knew the Hannibal of the forties, he will easily recall Frank. +Frank's father was at one time Town Drunkard, an exceedingly +well-defined and unofficial office of those days. He succeeded "General" +Gaines, and for a time he was sole and only incumbent of the office; but +afterward Jimmy Finn proved competency and disputed the place with him, +so we had two town drunkards at one time--and it made as much trouble in +that village as Christendom experienced in the fourteenth century when +there were two Popes at the same time. + +In "Huckleberry Finn" I have drawn Frank exactly as he was. He was +ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as +ever any boy had. His liberties were totally unrestricted. He was the +only really independent person--boy or man--in the community, and by +consequence he was tranquilly and continuously happy, and was envied by +all the rest of us. We liked him; we enjoyed his society. And as his +society was forbidden us by our parents, the prohibition trebled and +quadrupled its value, and therefore we sought and got more of his +society than of any other boy's. I heard, four years ago, that he was +Justice of the Peace in a remote village in the State of ----, and was a +good citizen and was greatly respected. + +During Jimmy Finn's term he (Jimmy) was not exclusive; he was not +finical; he was not hypercritical; he was largely and handsomely +democratic--and slept in the deserted tan-yard with the hogs. My father +tried to reform him once, but did not succeed. My father was not a +professional reformer. In him the spirit of reform was spasmodic. It +only broke out now and then, with considerable intervals between. Once +he tried to reform Injun Joe. That also was a failure. It was a failure, +and we boys were glad. For Injun Joe, drunk, was interesting and a +benefaction to us, but Injun Joe, sober, was a dreary spectacle. We +watched my father's experiments upon him with a good deal of anxiety, +but it came out all right and we were satisfied. Injun Joe got drunk +oftener than before, and became intolerably interesting. + +I think that in "Tom Sawyer" I starved Injun Joe to death in the cave. +But that may have been to meet the exigencies of romantic literature. I +can't remember now whether the real Injun Joe died in the cave or out of +it, but I do remember that the news of his death reached me at a most +unhappy time--that is to say, just at bedtime on a summer night when a +prodigious storm of thunder and lightning accompanied by a deluging rain +that turned the streets and lanes into rivers, caused me to repent and +resolve to lead a better life. I can remember those awful thunder-bursts +and the white glare of the lightning yet, and the wild lashing of the +rain against the window-panes. By my teachings I perfectly well knew +what all that wild riot was for--Satan had come to get Injun Joe. I had +no shadow of doubt about it. It was the proper thing when a person like +Injun Joe was required in the under world, and I should have thought it +strange and unaccountable if Satan had come for him in a less impressive +way. With every glare of lightning I shrivelled and shrunk together in +mortal terror, and in the interval of black darkness that followed I +poured out my lamentings over my lost condition, and my supplications +for just one more chance, with an energy and feeling and sincerity quite +foreign to my nature. + +But in the morning I saw that it was a false alarm and concluded to +resume business at the old stand and wait for another reminder. + +The axiom says "History repeats itself." A week or two ago Mr. +Blank-Blank dined with us. At dinner he mentioned a circumstance which +flashed me back over about sixty years and landed me in that little +bedroom on that tempestuous night, and brought to my mind how creditable +to me was my conduct through the whole night, and how barren it was of +moral spot or fleck during that entire period: he said Mr. X was sexton, +or something, of the Episcopal church in his town, and had been for many +years the competent superintendent of all the church's worldly affairs, +and was regarded by the whole congregation as a stay, a blessing, a +priceless treasure. But he had a couple of defects--not large defects, +but they seemed large when flung against the background of his +profoundly religious character: he drank a good deal, and he could +outswear a brakeman. A movement arose to persuade him to lay aside these +vices, and after consulting with his pal, who occupied the same position +as himself in the other Episcopal church, and whose defects were +duplicates of his own and had inspired regret in the congregation he was +serving, they concluded to try for reform--not wholesale, but half at a +time. They took the liquor pledge and waited for results. During nine +days the results were entirely satisfactory, and they were recipients of +many compliments and much congratulation. Then on New-year's eve they +had business a mile and a half out of town, just beyond the State line. +Everything went well with them that evening in the barroom of the +inn--but at last the celebration of the occasion by those villagers +came to be of a burdensome nature. It was a bitter cold night and the +multitudinous hot toddies that were circulating began by and by to exert +a powerful influence upon the new prohibitionists. At last X's friend +remarked, + +"X, does it occur to you that we are _outside the diocese_?" + +That ended reform No. 1. Then they took a chance in reform No. 2. For a +while that one prospered, and they got much applause. I now reach the +incident which sent me back a matter of sixty years, as I have remarked +a while ago. + +One morning Mr. Blank-Blank met X on the street and said, + +"You have made a gallant struggle against those defects of yours. I am +aware that you failed on No. 1, but I am also aware that you are having +better luck with No. 2." + +"Yes," X said; "No. 2 is all right and sound up to date, and we are full +of hope." + +Blank-Blank said, "X, of course you have your troubles like other +people, but they never show on the outside. I have never seen you when +you were not cheerful. Are you always cheerful? Really always cheerful?" + +"Well, no," he said, "no, I can't say that I am always cheerful, +but--well, you know that kind of a night that comes: _say_--you wake up +'way in the night and the whole world is sunk in gloom and there are +storms and earthquakes and all sorts of disasters in the air +threatening, and you get cold and clammy; and when that happens to me I +recognize how sinful I am and it all goes clear to my heart and wrings +it and I have such terrors and terrors!--oh, they are indescribable, +those terrors that assail me, and I slip out of bed and get on my knees +and pray and pray and promise that I will be good, if I can only have +another chance. And then, you know, in the morning the sun shines out so +lovely, and the birds sing and the whole world is so beautiful, and--_b' +God, I rally!_" + +Now I will quote a brief paragraph from this letter which I have a +minute ago spoken of. The writer says: + + + You no doubt are at a loss to know who I am. I will tell you. In my + younger days I was a resident of Hannibal, Mo., and you and I were + schoolmates attending Mr. Dawson's school along with Sam and Will + Bowen and Andy Fuqua and others whose names I have forgotten. I was + then about the smallest boy in school, for my age, and they called + me little Aleck for short. + + +I only dimly remember him, but I knew those other people as well as I +knew the town drunkards. I remember Dawson's schoolhouse perfectly. If I +wanted to describe it I could save myself the trouble by conveying the +description of it to these pages from "Tom Sawyer." I can remember the +drowsy and inviting summer sounds that used to float in through the open +windows from that distant boy-Paradise, Cardiff Hill (Holliday's Hill), +and mingle with the murmurs of the studying pupils and make them the +more dreary by the contrast. I remember Andy Fuqua, the oldest pupil--a +man of twenty-five. I remember the youngest pupil, Nannie Owsley, a +child of seven. I remember George Robards, eighteen or twenty years old, +the only pupil who studied Latin. I remember--in some cases vividly, in +others vaguely--the rest of the twenty-five boys and girls. I remember +Mr. Dawson very well. I remember his boy, Theodore, who was as good as +he could be. In fact, he was inordinately good, extravagantly good, +offensively good, detestably good--and he had pop-eyes--and I would have +drowned him if I had had a chance. In that school we were all about on +an equality, and, so far as I remember, the passion of envy had no place +in our hearts, except in the case of Arch Fuqua--the other one's +brother. Of course we all went barefoot in the summer-time. Arch Fuqua +was about my own age--ten or eleven. In the winter we could stand him, +because he wore shoes then, and his great gift was hidden from our sight +and we were enabled to forget it. But in the summer-time he was a +bitterness to us. He was our envy, for he could double back his big toe +and let it fly and you could hear it snap thirty yards. There was not +another boy in the school that could approach this feat. He had not a +rival as regards a physical distinction--except in Theodore Eddy, who +could work his ears like a horse. But he was no real rival, because you +couldn't hear him work his ears; so all the advantage lay with Arch +Fuqua. + +I am not done with Dawson's school; I will return to it in a later +chapter. + +[_Dictated at Hamilton, Bermuda, January 6, 1907._] "That reminds me." +In conversation we are always using that phrase, and seldom or never +noticing how large a significance it bears. It stands for a curious and +interesting fact, to wit: that sleeping or waking, dreaming or talking, +the thoughts which swarm through our heads are almost constantly, +almost continuously, accompanied by a like swarm of reminders of +incidents and episodes of our past. A man can never know what a large +traffic this commerce of association carries on in our minds until he +sets out to write his autobiography; he then finds that a thought is +seldom born to him that does not immediately remind him of some event, +large or small, in his past experience. Quite naturally these remarks +remind me of various things, among others this: that sometimes a +thought, by the power of association, will bring back to your mind a +lost word or a lost name which you have not been able to recover by any +other process known to your mental equipment. Yesterday we had an +instance of this. Rev. Joseph H. Twichell is with me on this flying trip +to Bermuda. He was with me on my last visit to Bermuda, and to-day we +were trying to remember when it was. We thought it was somewhere in the +neighborhood of thirty years ago, but that was as near as we could get +at the date. Twichell said that the landlady in whose boarding-house we +sojourned in that ancient time could doubtless furnish us the date, and +we must look her up. We wanted to see her, anyway, because she and her +blooming daughter of eighteen were the only persons whose acquaintance +we had made at that time, for we were travelling under fictitious names, +and people who wear aliases are not given to seeking society and +bringing themselves under suspicion. But at this point in our talk we +encountered an obstruction: we could not recall the landlady's name. We +hunted all around through our minds for that name, using all the +customary methods of research, but without success; the name was gone +from us, apparently permanently. We finally gave the matter up, and fell +to talking about something else. The talk wandered from one subject to +another, and finally arrived at Twichell's school-days in Hartford--the +Hartford of something more than half a century ago--and he mentioned +several of his schoolmasters, dwelling with special interest upon the +peculiarities of an aged one named Olney. He remarked that Olney, humble +village schoolmaster as he was, was yet a man of superior parts, and had +published text-books which had enjoyed a wide currency in America in +their day. I said I remembered those books, and had studied Olney's +Geography in school when I was a boy. Then Twichell said, + +"That reminds me--our landlady's name was a name that was associated +with school-books of some kind or other fifty or sixty years ago. I +wonder what it was. I believe it began with K." + +Association did the rest, and did it instantly. I said, + +"Kirkham's Grammar!" + +That settled it. Kirkham was the name; and we went out to seek for the +owner of it. There was no trouble about that, for Bermuda is not large, +and is like the earlier Garden of Eden, in that everybody in it knows +everybody else, just as it was in the serpent's headquarters in Adam's +time. We easily found Miss Kirkham--she that had been the blooming girl +of a generation before--and she was still keeping boarders; but her +mother had passed from this life. She settled the date for us, and did +it with certainty, by help of a couple of uncommon circumstances, events +of that ancient time. She said we had sailed from Bermuda on the 24th of +May, 1877, which was the day on which her only nephew was born--and he +is now thirty years of age. The other unusual circumstance--she called +it an unusual circumstance, and I didn't say anything--was that on that +day the Rev. Mr. Twichell (bearing the assumed name of Peters) had made +a statement to her which she regarded as a fiction. I remembered the +circumstance very well. We had bidden the young girl good-by and had +gone fifty yards, perhaps, when Twichell said he had forgotten something +(I doubted it) and must go back. When he rejoined me he was silent, and +this alarmed me, because I had not seen an example of it before. He +seemed quite uncomfortable, and I asked him what the trouble was. He +said he had been inspired to give the girl a pleasant surprise, and so +had gone back and said to her-- + +"That young fellow's name is not Wilkinson--that's Mark Twain." + +She did not lose her mind; she did not exhibit any excitement at all, +but said quite simply, quite tranquilly, + +"Tell it to the marines, Mr. Peters--if that should happen to be _your_ +name." + +It was very pleasant to meet her again. We were white-headed, but she +was not; in the sweet and unvexed spiritual atmosphere of the Bermudas +one does not achieve gray hairs at forty-eight. + +I had a dream last night, and of course it was born of association, like +nearly everything else that drifts into a person's head, asleep or +awake. On board ship, on the passage down, Twichell was talking about +the swiftly developing possibilities of aerial navigation, and he quoted +those striking verses of Tennyson's which forecast a future when +air-borne vessels of war shall meet and fight above the clouds and +redden the earth below with a rain of blood. This picture of carnage and +blood and death reminded me of something which I had read a fortnight +ago--statistics of railway accidents compiled by the United States +Government, wherein the appalling fact was set forth that on our 200,000 +miles of railway we annually kill 10,000 persons outright and injure +80,000. The war-ships in the air suggested the railway horrors, and +three nights afterward the railway horrors suggested my dream. The work +of association was going on in my head, unconsciously, all that time. It +was an admirable dream, what there was of it. + +In it I saw a funeral procession; I saw it from a mountain peak; I saw +it crawling along and curving here and there, serpentlike, through a +level vast plain. I seemed to see a hundred miles of the procession, but +neither the beginning of it nor the end of it was within the limits of +my vision. The procession was in ten divisions, each division marked by +a sombre flag, and the whole represented ten years of our railway +activities in the accident line; each division was composed of 80,000 +cripples, and was bearing its own year's 10,000 mutilated corpses to the +grave: in the aggregate 800,000 cripples and 100,000 dead, drenched in +blood! + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTE: + +[17] It isn't yet. Title of it, "Captain Stormfield's Visit to +Heaven."--S. L. C. + + + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XXII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1890.)] + +[_Dictated, October 10, 1906._] Susy has named a number of the friends +who were assembled at Onteora at the time of our visit, but there were +others--among them Laurence Hutton, Charles Dudley Warner, and Carroll +Beckwith, and their wives. It was a bright and jolly company. Some of +those choice spirits are still with us; the others have passed from this +life: Mrs. Clemens, Susy, Mr. Warner, Mary Mapes Dodge, Laurence Hutton, +Dean Sage--peace to their ashes! Susy is in error in thinking Mrs. Dodge +was not there at that time; we were her guests. + +We arrived at nightfall, dreary from a tiresome journey; but the +dreariness did not last. Mrs. Dodge had provided a home-made banquet, +and the happy company sat down to it, twenty strong, or more. Then the +thing happened which always happens at large dinners, and is always +exasperating: everybody talked to his elbow-mates and all talked at +once, and gradually raised their voices higher, and higher, and higher, +in the desperate effort to be heard. It was like a riot, an +insurrection; it was an intolerable volume of noise. Presently I said to +the lady next me-- + +"I will subdue this riot, I will silence this racket. There is only one +way to do it, but I know the art. You must tilt your head toward mine +and seem to be deeply interested in what I am saying; I will talk in a +low voice; then, just because our neighbors won't be able to hear me, +they will _want_ to hear me. If I mumble long enough--say two +minutes--you will see that the dialogues will one after another come to +a standstill, and there will be silence, not a sound anywhere but my +mumbling." + +Then in a very low voice I began: + +"When I went out to Chicago, eleven years ago, to witness the Grant +festivities, there was a great banquet on the first night, with six +hundred ex-soldiers present. The gentleman who sat next me was Mr. X. X. +He was very hard of hearing, and he had a habit common to deaf people of +shouting his remarks instead of delivering them in an ordinary voice. He +would handle his knife and fork in reflective silence for five or six +minutes at a time and then suddenly fetch out a shout that would make +you jump out of the United States." + +By this time the insurrection at Mrs. Dodge's table--at least that part +of it in my immediate neighborhood--had died down, and the silence was +spreading, couple by couple, down the long table. I went on in a lower +and still lower mumble, and most impressively-- + +"During one of Mr. X. X.'s mute intervals, a man opposite us approached +the end of a story which he had been telling his elbow-neighbor. He was +speaking in a low voice--there was much noise--I was deeply interested, +and straining my ears to catch his words, stretching my neck, holding my +breath, to hear, unconscious of everything but the fascinating tale. I +heard him say, 'At this point he seized her by her long hair--she +shrieking and begging--bent her neck across his knee, and with one awful +sweep of the razor--' + +"HOW DO YOU LIKE CHICA-A-AGO?!!!" + +That was X. X.'s interruption, hearable at thirty miles. By the time I +had reached that place in my mumblings Mrs. Dodge's dining-room was so +silent, so breathlessly still, that if you had dropped a thought +anywhere in it you could have heard it smack the floor.[18] When I +delivered that yell the entire dinner company jumped as one person, and +punched their heads through the ceiling, damaging it, for it was only +lath and plaster, and it all came down on us, and much of it went into +the victuals and made them gritty, but no one was hurt. Then I explained +why it was that I had played that game, and begged them to take the +moral of it home to their hearts and be rational and merciful +thenceforth, and cease from screaming in mass, and agree to let one +person talk at a time and the rest listen in grateful and unvexed peace. +They granted my prayer, and we had a happy time all the rest of the +evening; I do not think I have ever had a better time in my life. This +was largely because the new terms enabled me to keep the floor--now that +I had it--and do all the talking myself. I do like to hear myself talk. +Susy has exposed this in her Biography of me. + +Dean Sage was a delightful man, yet in one way a terror to his friends, +for he loved them so well that he could not refrain from playing +practical jokes on them. We have to be pretty deeply in love with a +person before we can do him the honor of joking familiarly with him. +Dean Sage was the best citizen I have known in America. It takes courage +to be a good citizen, and he had plenty of it. He allowed no individual +and no corporation to infringe his smallest right and escape unpunished. +He was very rich, and very generous, and benevolent, and he gave away +his money with a prodigal hand; but if an individual or corporation +infringed a right of his, to the value of ten cents, he would spend +thousands of dollars' worth of time and labor and money and persistence +on the matter, and would not lower his flag until he had won his battle +or lost it. + +He and Rev. Mr. Harris had been classmates in college, and to the day of +Sage's death they were as fond of each other as an engaged pair. It +follows, without saying, that whenever Sage found an opportunity to play +a joke upon Harris, Harris was sure to suffer. + +Along about 1873 Sage fell a victim to an illness which reduced him to a +skeleton, and defied all the efforts of the physicians to cure it. He +went to the Adirondacks and took Harris with him. Sage had always been +an active man, and he couldn't idle any day wholly away in inanition, +but walked every day to the limit of his strength. One day, toward +nightfall, the pair came upon a humble log cabin which bore these words +painted upon a shingle: "Entertainment for Man and Beast." They were +obliged to stop there for the night, Sage's strength being exhausted. +They entered the cabin and found its owner and sole occupant there, a +rugged and sturdy and simple-hearted man of middle age. He cooked supper +and placed it before the travellers--salt junk, boiled beans, corn bread +and black coffee. Sage's stomach could abide nothing but the most +delicate food, therefore this banquet revolted him, and he sat at the +table unemployed, while Harris fed ravenously, limitlessly, gratefully; +for he had been chaplain in a fighting regiment all through the war, and +had kept in perfection the grand and uncritical appetite and splendid +physical vigor which those four years of tough fare and activity had +furnished him. Sage went supperless to bed, and tossed and writhed all +night upon a shuck mattress that was full of attentive and interested +corn-cobs. In the morning Harris was ravenous again, and devoured the +odious breakfast as contentedly and as delightedly as he had devoured +its twin the night before. Sage sat upon the porch, empty, and +contemplated the performance and meditated revenge. Presently he +beckoned to the landlord and took him aside and had a confidential talk +with him. He said, + +"I am the paymaster. What is the bill?" + +"Two suppers, fifty cents; two beds, thirty cents; two breakfasts, fifty +cents--total, a dollar and thirty cents." + +Sage said, "Go back and make out the bill and fetch it to me here on the +porch. Make it thirteen dollars." + +"Thirteen dollars! Why, it's impossible! I am no robber. I am charging +you what I charge everybody. It's a dollar and thirty cents, and that's +all it is." + +"My man, I've got something to say about this as well as you. It's +thirteen dollars. You'll make out your bill for that, and you'll _take_ +it, too, or you'll not get a cent." + +The man was troubled, and said, "I don't understand this. I can't make +it out." + +"Well, I understand it. I know what I am about. It's thirteen dollars, +and I want the bill made out for that. There's no other terms. Get it +ready and bring it out here. I will examine it and be outraged. You +understand? I will dispute the bill. You must stand to it. You must +refuse to take less. I will begin to lose my temper; you must begin to +lose yours. I will call you hard names; you must answer with harder +ones. I will raise my voice; you must raise yours. You must go into a +rage--foam at the mouth, if you can; insert some soap to help it along. +Now go along and follow your instructions." + +The man played his assigned part, and played it well. He brought the +bill and stood waiting for results. Sage's face began to cloud up, his +eyes to snap, and his nostrils to inflate like a horse's; then he broke +out with-- + +"_Thirteen dollars!_ You mean to say that you charge thirteen dollars +for these damned inhuman hospitalities of yours? Are you a professional +buccaneer? Is it your custom to--" + +The man burst in with spirit: "Now, I don't want any more out of +you--that's a plenty. The bill is thirteen dollars and you'll _pay_ +it--that's all; a couple of characterless adventurers bilking their way +through this country and attempting to dictate terms to a gentleman! a +gentleman who received you supposing you were gentlemen yourselves, +whereas in my opinion hell's full of--" + +Sage broke in-- + +"Not another word of that!--I won't have it. I regard you as the +lowest-down thief that ever--" + +"Don't you use that word again! By ----, I'll take you by the neck +and--" + +Harris came rushing out, and just as the two were about to grapple he +pushed himself between them and began to implore-- + +"Oh, Dean, don't, _don't_--now, Mr. Smith, control yourself! Oh, think +of your family, Dean!--think what a scandal--" + +But they burst out with maledictions, imprecations and all the hard +names they could dig out of the rich accumulations of their educated +memories, and in the midst of it the man shouted-- + +"When _gentlemen_ come to this house, I treat them _as_ gentlemen. When +people come to this house with the ordinary appetites of gentlemen, I +charge them a dollar and thirty cents for what I furnished you; but when +a man brings a hell-fired Famine here that gorges a barrel of pork and +four barrels of beans at two sittings--" + +Sage broke in, in a voice that was eloquent with remorse and +self-reproach, "I never thought of that, and I ask your pardon; I am +ashamed of myself and of my friend. Here's your thirteen dollars, and my +apologies along with it." + + +[_Dictated March 12, 1906._] I have always taken a great interest in +other people's duels. One always feels an abiding interest in any heroic +thing which has entered into his own experience. + +[Sidenote: (1878.)] + +In 1878, fourteen years after my unmaterialized duel, Messieurs Fortu +and Gambetta fought a duel which made heroes of both of them in France, +but made them rather ridiculous throughout the rest of the world. I was +living in Munich that fall and winter, and I was so interested in that +funny tragedy that I wrote a long account of it, and it is in one of my +books, somewhere--an account which had some inaccuracies in it, but as +an exhibition of the _spirit_ of that duel, I think it was correct and +trustworthy. And when I was living in Vienna, thirty-four years after my +ineffectual duel, my interest in that kind of incident was still strong; +and I find here among my Autobiographical manuscripts of that day a +chapter which I began concerning it, but did not finish. I wanted to +finish it, but held it open in the hope that the Italian ambassador, M. +Nigra, would find time to furnish me the _full_ history of Señor +Cavalotti's adventures in that line. But he was a busy man; there was +always an interruption before he could get well started; so my hope was +never fulfilled. The following is the unfinished chapter: + + +[Sidenote: (1898.)] + + As concerns duelling. This pastime is as common in Austria to-day + as it is in France. But with this difference, that here in the + Austrian States the duel is dangerous, while in France it is not. + Here it is tragedy, in France it in comedy; here it is a solemnity, + there it is monkey-shines; here the duellist risks his life, there + he does not even risk his shirt. Here he fights with pistol or + sabre, in France with a hairpin--a blunt one. Here the desperately + wounded man tries to walk to the hospital; there they paint the + scratch so that they can find it again, lay the sufferer on a + stretcher, and conduct him off the field with a band of music. + + At the end of a French duel the pair hug and kiss and cry, and + praise each other's valor; then the surgeons make an examination + and pick out the scratched one, and the other one helps him on to + the litter and pays his fare; and in return the scratched one + treats to champagne and oysters in the evening, and then "the + incident is closed," as the French say. It is all polite, and + gracious, and pretty, and impressive. At the end of an Austrian + duel the antagonist that is alive gravely offers his hand to the + other man, utters some phrases of courteous regret, then bids him + good-by and goes his way, and that incident also is closed. The + French duellist is painstakingly protected from danger, by the + rules of the game. His antagonist's weapon cannot reach so far as + his body; if he get a scratch it will not be above his elbow. But + in Austria the rules of the game do not provide against danger, + they carefully provide _for_ it, usually. Commonly the combat must + be kept up until one of the men is disabled; a non-disabling slash + or stab does not retire him. + + For a matter of three months I watched the Viennese journals, and + whenever a duel was reported in their telegraphic columns I + scrap-booked it. By this record I find that duelling in Austria is + not confined to journalists and old maids, as in France, but is + indulged in by military men, journalists, students, physicians, + lawyers, members of the legislature, and even the Cabinet, the + Bench and the police. Duelling is forbidden by law; and so it seems + odd to see the makers and administrators of the laws dancing on + their work in this way. Some months ago Count Bodeni, at that time + Chief of the Government, fought a pistol-duel here in the capital + city of the Empire with representative Wolf, and both of those + distinguished Christians came near getting turned out of the + Church--for the Church as well as the State forbids duelling. + + In one case, lately, in Hungary, the police interfered and stopped + a duel after the first innings. This was a sabre-duel between the + chief of police and the city attorney. Unkind things were said + about it by the newspapers. They said the police remembered their + duty uncommonly well when their own officials were the parties + concerned in duels. But I think the underlings showed good + bread-and-butter judgment. If their superiors had carved each other + well, the public would have asked, Where were the police? and their + places would have been endangered; but custom does not require them + to be around where mere unofficial citizens are explaining a thing + with sabres. + + There was another duel--a double duel--going on in the immediate + neighborhood at the time, and in this case the police obeyed custom + and did not disturb it. Their bread and butter was not at stake + there. In this duel a physician fought a couple of surgeons, and + wounded both--one of them lightly, the other seriously. An + undertaker wanted to keep people from interfering, but that was + quite natural again. + + Selecting at random from my record, I next find a duel at Tarnopol + between military men. An officer of the Tenth Dragoons charged an + officer of the Ninth Dragoons with an offence against the laws of + the card-table. There was a defect or a doubt somewhere in the + matter, and this had to be examined and passed upon by a Court of + Honor. So the case was sent up to Lemberg for this purpose. One + would like to know what the defect was, but the newspaper does not + say. A man here who has fought many duels and has a graveyard, says + that probably the matter in question was as to whether the + accusation was true or not; that if the charge was a very grave + one--cheating, for instance--proof of its truth would rule the + guilty officer out of the field of honor; the Court would not allow + a gentleman to fight with such a person. You see what a solemn + thing it is; you see how particular they are; any little careless + act can lose you your privilege of getting yourself shot, here. The + Court seems to have gone into the matter in a searching and careful + fashion, for several months elapsed before it reached a decision. + It then sanctioned a duel and the accused killed his accuser. + + Next I find a duel between a prince and a major; first with + pistols--no result satisfactory to either party; then with sabres, + and the major badly hurt. + + Next, a sabre-duel between journalists--the one a strong man, the + other feeble and in poor health. It was brief; the strong one drove + his sword through the weak one, and death was immediate. + + Next, a duel between a lieutenant and a student of medicine. + According to the newspaper report these are the details. The + student was in a restaurant one evening: passing along, he halted + at a table to speak with some friends; near by sat a dozen military + men; the student conceived that one of these was "staring" at him; + he asked the officer to step outside and explain. This officer and + another one gathered up their caps and sabres and went out with the + student. Outside--this is the student's account--the student + introduced himself to the offending officer and said, "You seemed + to stare at me"; for answer, the officer struck at the student with + his fist; the student parried the blow; both officers drew their + sabres and attacked the young fellow, and one of them gave him a + wound on the left arm; then they withdrew. This was Saturday night. + The duel followed on Monday, in the military riding-school--the + customary duelling-ground all over Austria, apparently. The weapons + were pistols. The duelling terms were somewhat beyond custom in the + matter of severity, if I may gather that from the statement that + the combat was fought "_unter sehr schweren Bedingungen_"--to wit, + "Distance, 15 steps--with 3 steps advance." There was but one + exchange of shots. The student was hit. "He put his hand on his + breast, his body began to bend slowly forward, then collapsed in + death and sank to the ground." + + It is pathetic. There are other duels in my list, but I find in + each and all of them one and the same ever-recurring defect--the + _principals_ are never present, but only their sham + representatives. The _real_ principals in any duel are not the + duellists themselves, but their families. They do the mourning, the + suffering, theirs is the loss and theirs the misery. They stake all + that, the duellist stakes nothing but his life, and that is a + trivial thing compared with what his death must cost those whom he + leaves behind him. Challenges should not mention the duellist; he + has nothing much at stake, and the real vengeance cannot reach him. + The challenge should summon the offender's old gray mother, and his + young wife and his little children,--these, or any to whom he is a + dear and worshipped possession--and should say, "You have done me + no harm, but I am the meek slave of a custom which requires me to + crush the happiness out of your hearts and condemn you to years of + pain and grief, in order that I may wash clean with your tears a + stain which has been put upon me by another person." + + The logic of it is admirable: a person has robbed me of a penny; I + must beggar ten innocent persons to make good my loss. Surely + nobody's "honor" is worth all that. + + Since the duellist's family are the real principals in a duel, the + State ought to compel them to be present at it. Custom, also, ought + to be so amended as to require it; and without it no duel ought to + be allowed to go on. If that student's unoffending mother had been + present and watching the officer through her tears as he raised his + pistol, he--why, he would have fired in the air. We know that. For + we know how we are all made. Laws ought to be based upon the + ascertained facts of our nature. It would be a simple thing to make + a duelling law which would stop duelling. + + As things are now, the mother is never invited. She submits to + this; and without outward complaint, for she, too, is the vassal of + custom, and custom requires her to conceal her pain when she learns + the disastrous news that her son must go to the duelling-field, and + by the powerful force that is lodged in habit and custom she is + enabled to obey this trying requirement--a requirement which exacts + a miracle of her, and gets it. Last January a neighbor of ours who + has a young son in the army was wakened by this youth at three + o'clock one morning, and she sat up in bed and listened to his + message: + + "I have come to tell you something, mother, which will distress + you, but you must be good and brave, and bear it. I have been + affronted by a fellow officer, and we fight at three this + afternoon. Lie down and sleep, now, and think no more about it." + + She kissed him good night and lay down paralyzed with grief and + fear, but said nothing. But she did not sleep; she prayed and + mourned till the first streak of dawn, then fled to the nearest + church and implored the Virgin for help; and from that church she + went to another and another and another; church after church, and + still church after church, and so spent all the day until three + o'clock on her knees in agony and tears; then dragged herself home + and sat down comfortless and desolate, to count the minutes, and + wait, with an outward show of calm, for what had been ordained for + her--happiness, or endless misery. Presently she heard the clank of + a sabre--she had not known before what music was in that + sound!--and her son put his head in and said: + + "X was in the wrong, and he apologized." + + So that incident was closed; and for the rest of her life the + mother will always find something pleasant about the clank of a + sabre, no doubt. + + In one of my listed duels--however, let it go, there is nothing + particularly striking about it except that the seconds interfered. + And prematurely, too, for neither man was dead. This was certainly + irregular. Neither of the men liked it. It was a duel with cavalry + sabres, between an editor and a lieutenant. The editor walked to + the hospital, the lieutenant was carried. In this country an editor + who can write well is valuable, but he is not likely to remain so + unless he can handle a sabre with charm. + + The following very recent telegram shows that also in France duels + are humanely stopped as soon as they approach the (French) + danger-point: + + "_Reuter's Telegram._--PARIS, _March 5_.--The duel between Colonels + Henry and Picquart took place this morning in the Riding School of + the Ecole Militaire, the doors of which were strictly guarded in + order to prevent intrusion. The combatants, who fought with swords, + were in position at ten o'clock. + + "At the first reengagement Lieutenant-Colonel Henry was slightly + scratched in the fore arm, and just at the same moment his own + blade appeared to touch his adversary's neck. Senator Ranc, who was + Colonel Picquart's second, stopped the fight, but as it was found + that his principal had not been touched, the combat continued. A + very sharp encounter ensued, in which Colonel Henry was wounded in + the elbow, and the duel terminated." + + After which, the stretcher and the band. In lurid contrast with + this delicate flirtation, we have this fatal duel of day before + yesterday in Italy, where the earnest Austrian duel is in vogue. I + knew Cavalotti slightly, and this gives me a sort of personal + interest in his duel. I first saw him in Rome several years ago. He + was sitting on a block of stone in the Forum, and was writing + something in his note-book--a poem or a challenge, or something + like that--and the friend who pointed him out to me said, "That is + Cavalotti--he has fought thirty duels; do not disturb him." I did + not disturb him. + + +[_May 13, 1907._] It is a long time ago. Cavalotti--poet, orator, +satirist, statesman, patriot--was a great man, and his death was deeply +lamented by his countrymen: many monuments to his memory testify to +this. In his duels he killed several of his antagonists and disabled the +rest. By nature he was a little irascible. Once when the officials of +the library of Bologna threw out his books the gentle poet went up there +and challenged the whole fifteen! His parliamentary duties were +exacting, but he proposed to keep coming up and fighting duels between +trains until all those officials had been retired from the activities of +life. Although he always chose the sword to fight with, he had never had +a lesson with that weapon. When game was called he waited for nothing, +but always plunged at his opponent and rained such a storm of wild and +original thrusts and whacks upon him that the man was dead or crippled +before he could bring his science to bear. But his latest antagonist +discarded science, and won. He held his sword straight forward like a +lance when Cavalotti made his plunge--with the result that he impaled +himself upon it. It entered his mouth and passed out at the back of his +neck. Death was instantaneous. + + +[_Dictated December 20, 1906._] Six months ago, when I was recalling +early days in San Francisco, I broke off at a place where I was about +to tell about Captain Osborn's odd adventure at the "What Cheer," or +perhaps it was at another cheap feeding-place--the "Miners' Restaurant." +It was a place where one could get good food on the cheapest possible +terms, and its popularity was great among the multitudes whose purses +were light It was a good place to go to, to observe mixed humanity. +Captain Osborn and Bret Harte went there one day and took a meal, and in +the course of it Osborn fished up an interesting reminiscence of a dozen +years before and told about it. It was to this effect: + +He was a midshipman in the navy when the Californian gold craze burst +upon the world and set it wild with excitement. His ship made the long +journey around the Horn and was approaching her goal, the Golden Gate, +when an accident happened. + +"It happened to me," said Osborn. "I fell overboard. There was a heavy +sea running, but no one was much alarmed about me, because we had on +board a newly patented life-saving device which was believed to be +competent to rescue anything that could fall overboard, from a +midshipman to an anchor. Ours was the only ship that had this device; we +were very proud of it, and had been anxious to give its powers a +practical test. This thing was lashed to the garboard-strake of the +main-to'gallant mizzen-yard amidships,[19] and there was nothing to do +but cut the lashings and heave it over; it would do the rest. One day +the cry of 'Man overboard!' brought all hands on deck. Instantly the +lashings were cut and the machine flung joyously over. Damnation, it +went to the bottom like an anvil! By the time that the ship was brought +to and a boat manned, I was become but a bobbing speck on the waves half +a mile astern and losing my strength very fast; but by good luck there +was a common seaman on board who had practical ideas in his head and +hadn't waited to see what the patent machine was going to do, but had +run aft and sprung over after me the moment the alarm was cried through +the ship. I had a good deal of a start of him, and the seas made his +progress slow and difficult, but he stuck to his work and fought his way +to me, and just in the nick of time he put his saving arms about me when +I was about to go down. He held me up until the boat reached us and +rescued us. By that time I was unconscious, and I was still unconscious +when we arrived at the ship. A dangerous fever followed, and I was +delirious for three days; then I come to myself and at once inquired +for my benefactor, of course. He was gone. We were lying at anchor in +the Bay and every man had deserted to the gold-mines except the +commissioned officers. I found out nothing about my benefactor but his +name--Burton Sanders--a name which I have held in grateful memory ever +since. Every time I have been on the Coast, these twelve or thirteen +years, I have tried to get track of him, but have never succeeded. I +wish I could find him and make him understand that his brave act has +never been forgotten by me. Harte, I would rather see him and take him +by the hand than any other man on the planet." + +At this stage or a little later there was an interruption. A waiter near +by said to another waiter, pointing, + +"Take a look at that tramp that's coming in. Ain't that the one that +bilked the house, last week, out of ten cents?" + +"I believe it is. Let him alone--don't pay any attention to him; wait +till we can get a good look at him." + +The tramp approached timidly and hesitatingly, with the air of one +unsure and apprehensive. The waiters watched him furtively. When he was +passing behind Harte's chair one of them said, + +"He's the one!"--and they pounced upon him and proposed to turn him over +to the police as a bilk. He begged piteously. He confessed his guilt, +but said he had been driven to his crime by necessity--that when he had +eaten the plate of beans and flipped out without paying for it, it was +because he was starving, and hadn't the ten cents to pay for it with. +But the waiters would listen to no explanations, no palliations; he must +be placed in custody. He brushed his hand across his eyes and said +meekly that he would submit, being friendless. Each waiter took him by +an arm and faced him about to conduct him away. Then his melancholy eyes +fell upon Captain Osborn, and a light of glad and eager recognition +flashed from them. He said, + +"Weren't you a midshipman once, sir, in the old 'Lancaster'?" + +"Yes," said Osborn. "Why?" + +"Didn't you fall overboard?" + +"Yes, I did. How do you come to know about it?" + +"Wasn't there a new patent machine aboard, and didn't they throw it over +to save you?" + +"Why, yes," said Osborn, laughing gently, "but it didn't do it." + +"No, sir, it was a sailor that done it." + +"It certainly was. Look here, my man, you are getting distinctly +interesting. Were you of our crew?" + +"Yes, sir, I was." + +"I reckon you may be right. You do certainly know a good deal about that +incident. What is your name?" + +"Burton Sanders." + +The Captain sprang up, excited, and said, + +"Give me your hand! Give me both your hands! I'd rather shake them than +inherit a fortune!"--and then he cried to the waiters, "Let him +go!--take your hands off! He is my guest, and can have anything and +everything this house is able to furnish. I am responsible." + +There was a love-feast, then. Captain Osborn ordered it regardless of +expense, and he and Harte sat there and listened while the man told +stirring adventures of his life and fed himself up to the eyebrows. Then +Osborn wanted to be benefactor in his turn, and pay back some of his +debt. The man said it could all be paid with ten dollars--that it had +been so long since he had owned that amount of money that it would seem +a fortune to him, and he should be grateful beyond words if the Captain +could spare him that amount. The Captain spared him ten broad +twenty-dollar gold pieces, and made him take them in spite of his modest +protestations, and gave him his address and said he must never fail to +give him notice when he needed grateful service. + +Several months later Harte stumbled upon the man in the street. He was +most comfortably drunk, and pleasant and chatty. Harte remarked upon the +splendidly and movingly dramatic incident of the restaurant, and said, + +"How curious and fortunate and happy and interesting it was that you two +should come together, after that long separation, and at exactly the +right moment to save you from disaster and turn your defeat by the +waiters into a victory. A preacher could make a great sermon out of +that, for it does look as if the hand of Providence was in it." + +The hero's face assumed a sweetly genial expression, and he said, + +"Well now, it wasn't Providence this time. I was running the +arrangements myself." + +"How do you mean?" + +"Oh, I hadn't ever seen the gentleman before. I was at the next table, +with my back to you the whole time he was telling about it. I saw my +chance, and slipped out and fetched the two waiters with me and offered +to give them a commission out of what I could get out of the Captain if +they would do a quarrel act with me and give me an opening. So, then, +after a minute or two I straggled back, and you know the rest of it as +well as I do." + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + +FOOTNOTES: + +[18] This was tried. I well remember it.--M. T., _October, '06_. + +[19] Can this be correct? I think there must be some mistake.--M. T. + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXXIII. + +OCTOBER, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XXIII. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +[Sidenote: (1845.)] + +[_Dictated March 9, 1906._] ... I am talking of a time sixty years ago, +and upwards. I remember the names of some of those schoolmates, and, by +fitful glimpses, even their faces rise dimly before me for a +moment--only just long enough to be recognized; then they vanish. I +catch glimpses of George Robards, the Latin pupil--slender, pale, +studious, bending over his book and absorbed in it, his long straight +black hair hanging down below his jaws like a pair of curtains on the +sides of his face. I can see him give his head a toss and flirt one of +the curtains back around his head--to get it out of his way, apparently; +really to show off. In that day it was a great thing among the boys to +have hair of so flexible a sort that it could be flung back in that way, +with a flirt of the head. George Robards was the envy of us all. For +there was no hair among us that was so competent for this exhibition as +his--except, perhaps, the yellow locks of Will Bowen and John Robards. +My hair was a dense ruck of short curls, and so was my brother Henry's. +We tried all kinds of devices to get these crooks straightened out so +that they would flirt, but we never succeeded. Sometimes, by soaking our +heads and then combing and brushing our hair down tight and flat to our +skulls, we could get it straight, temporarily, and this gave us a +comforting moment of joy; but the first time we gave it a flirt it all +shrivelled into curls again and our happiness was gone. + +John Robards was the little brother of George; he was a wee chap with +silky golden curtains to his face which dangled to his shoulders and +below, and could be flung back ravishingly. When he was twelve years old +he crossed the plains with his father amidst the rush of the +gold-seekers of '49; and I remember the departure of the cavalcade when +it spurred westward. We were all there to see and to envy. And I can +still see that proud little chap sailing by on a great horse, with his +long locks streaming out behind. We were all on hand to gaze and envy +when he returned, two years later, in unimaginable glory--_for he had +travelled_! None of us had ever been forty miles from home. But he had +crossed the Continent. He had been in the gold-mines, that fairyland of +our imagination. And he had done a still more wonderful thing. He had +been in ships--in ships on the actual ocean; in ships on three actual +oceans. For he had sailed down the Pacific and around the Horn among +icebergs and through snow-storms and wild wintry gales, and had sailed +on and turned the corner and flown northward in the trades and up +through the blistering equatorial waters--and there in his brown face +were the proofs of what he had been through. We would have sold our +souls to Satan for the privilege of trading places with him. + +I saw him when I was out on that Missouri trip four years ago. He was +old then--though not quite so old as I--and the burden of life was upon +him. He said his granddaughter, twelve years old, had read my books and +would like to see me. It was a pathetic time, for she was a prisoner in +her room and marked for death. And John knew that she was passing +swiftly away. Twelve years old--just her grandfather's age when he rode +away on that great journey with his yellow hair flapping behind him. In +her I seemed to see that boy again. It was as if he had come back out of +that remote past and was present before me in his golden youth. Her +malady was heart disease, and her brief life came to a close a few days +later. + +Another of those schoolboys was John Garth. He became a prosperous +banker and a prominent and valued citizen; and a few years ago he died, +rich and honored. _He died._ It is what I have to say about so many of +those boys and girls. The widow still lives, and there are +grandchildren. In her pantalette days and my barefoot days she was a +schoolmate of mine. I saw John's tomb when I made that Missouri visit. + +Her father, Mr. Kercheval, had an apprentice in the early days when I +was nine years old, and he had also a slave woman who had many merits. +But I can't feel very kindly or forgivingly toward either that good +apprentice boy or that good slave woman, for they saved my life. One day +when I was playing on a loose log which I supposed was attached to a +raft--but it wasn't--it tilted me into Bear Creek. And when I had been +under water twice and was coming up to make the third and fatal descent +my fingers appeared above the water and that slave woman seized them and +pulled me out. Within a week I was in again, and that apprentice had to +come along just at the wrong time, and he plunged in and dived, pawed +around on the bottom and found me, and dragged me out and emptied the +water out of me, and I was saved again. I was drowned seven times after +that before I learned to swim--once in Bear Creek and six times in the +Mississippi. I do not now know who the people were who interfered with +the intentions of a Providence wiser than themselves, but I hold a +grudge against them yet. When I told the tale of these remarkable +happenings to Rev. Dr. Burton of Hartford, he said he did not believe +it. _He slipped on the ice the very next year and sprained his ankle._ + +Will Bowen was another schoolmate, and so was his brother, Sam, who was +his junior by a couple of years. Before the Civil War broke out, both +became St. Louis and New Orleans pilots. Both are dead, long ago. + +[Sidenote: (1845.)] + +[_Dictated March 16, 1906._] We will return to those schoolchildren of +sixty years ago. I recall Mary Miller. She was not my first sweetheart, +but I think she was the first one that furnished me a broken heart. I +fell in love with her when she was eighteen and I was nine, but she +scorned me, and I recognized that this was a cold world. I had not +noticed that temperature before. I believe I was as miserable as even a +grown man could be. But I think that this sorrow did not remain with me +long. As I remember it, I soon transferred my worship to Artimisia +Briggs, who was a year older than Mary Miller. When I revealed my +passion to her she did not scoff at it. She did not make fun of it. She +was very kind and gentle about it. But she was also firm, and said she +did not want to be pestered by children. + +And there was Mary Lacy. She was a schoolmate. But she also was out of +my class because of her advanced age. She was pretty wild and determined +and independent. But she married, and at once settled down and became in +all ways a model matron and was as highly respected as any matron in the +town. Four years ago she was still living, and had been married fifty +years. + +Jimmie McDaniel was another schoolmate. His age and mine about tallied. +His father kept the candy-shop and he was the most envied little chap in +the town--after Tom Blankenship ("Huck Finn")--for although we never saw +him eating candy, we supposed that it was, nevertheless, his ordinary +diet. He pretended that he never ate it, and didn't care for it because +there was nothing forbidden about it--there was plenty of it and he +could have as much of it as he wanted. He was the first human being to +whom I ever told a humorous story, so far as I can remember. This was +about Jim Wolfe and the cats; and I gave him that tale the morning after +that memorable episode. I thought he would laugh his teeth out. I had +never been so proud and happy before, and have seldom been so proud and +happy since. I saw him four years ago when I was out there. He wore a +beard, gray and venerable, that came half-way down to his knees, and yet +it was not difficult for me to recognize him. He had been married +fifty-four years. He had many children and grandchildren and +great-grandchildren, and also even posterity, they all said-- +thousands--yet the boy to whom I had told the cat story when we were +callow juveniles was still present in that cheerful little old man. + +Artimisia Briggs got married not long after refusing me. She married +Richmond, the stone mason, who was my Methodist Sunday-school teacher in +the earliest days, and he had one distinction which I envied him: at +some time or other he had hit his thumb with his hammer and the result +was a thumb nail which remained permanently twisted and distorted and +curved and pointed, like a parrot's beak. I should not consider it an +ornament now, I suppose, but it had a fascination for me then, and a +vast value, because it was the only one in the town. He was a very +kindly and considerate Sunday-school teacher, and patient and +compassionate, so he was the favorite teacher with us little chaps. In +that school they had slender oblong pasteboard blue tickets, each with a +verse from the Testament printed on it, and you could get a blue ticket +by reciting two verses. By reciting five verses you could get three blue +tickets, and you could trade these at the bookcase and borrow a book for +a week. I was under Mr. Richmond's spiritual care every now and then for +two or three years, and he was never hard upon me. I always recited the +same five verses every Sunday. He was always satisfied with the +performance. He never seemed to notice that these were the same five +foolish virgins that he had been hearing about every Sunday for months. +I always got my tickets and exchanged them for a book. They were pretty +dreary books, for there was not a bad boy in the entire bookcase. They +were _all_ good boys and good girls and drearily uninteresting, but they +were better society than none, and I was glad to have their company and +disapprove of it. + +[Sidenote: (1849.)] + +Twenty years ago Mr. Richmond had become possessed of Tom Sawyer's cave +in the hills three miles from town, and had made a tourist-resort of it. +In 1849 when the gold-seekers were streaming through our little town of +Hannibal, many of our grown men got the gold fever, and I think that all +the boys had it. On the Saturday holidays in summer-time we used to +borrow skiffs whose owners were not present and go down the river three +miles to the cave hollow (Missourian for "valley"), and there we staked +out claims and pretended to dig gold, panning out half a dollar a day at +first; two or three times as much, later, and by and by whole fortunes, +as our imaginations became inured to the work. Stupid and unprophetic +lads! We were doing this in play and never suspecting. Why, that cave +hollow and all the adjacent hills were made of gold! But we did not know +it. We took it for dirt. We left its rich secret in its own peaceful +possession and grew up in poverty and went wandering about the world +struggling for bread--and this because we had not the gift of prophecy. +That region was all dirt and rocks to us, yet all it needed was to be +ground up and scientifically handled and it was gold. That is to say, +the whole region was a cement-mine--and they make the finest kind of +Portland cement there now, five thousand barrels a day, with a plant +that cost $2,000,000. + +For a little while Reuel Gridley attended that school of ours. He was an +elderly pupil; he was perhaps twenty-two or twenty-three years old. Then +came the Mexican War and he volunteered. A company of infantry was +raised in our town and Mr. Hickman, a tall, straight, handsome athlete +of twenty-five, was made captain of it and had a sword by his side and a +broad yellow stripe down the leg of his gray pants. And when that +company marched back and forth through the streets in its smart +uniform--which it did several times a day for drill--its evolutions were +attended by all the boys whenever the school hours permitted. I can see +that marching company yet, and I can almost feel again the consuming +desire that I had to join it. But they had no use for boys of twelve and +thirteen, and before I had a chance in another war the desire to kill +people to whom I had not been introduced had passed away. + +I saw the splendid Hickman in his old age. He seemed about the oldest +man I had ever seen--an amazing and melancholy contrast with the showy +young captain I had seen preparing his warriors for carnage so many, +many years before. Hickman is dead--it is the old story. As Susy said, +"What is it all for?" + +Reuel Gridley went away to the wars and we heard of him no more for +fifteen or sixteen years. Then one day in Carson City while I was having +a difficulty with an editor on the sidewalk--an editor better built for +war than I was--I heard a voice say, "Give him the best you've got, Sam, +I'm at your back." It was Reuel Gridley. He said he had not recognized +me by my face but by my drawling style of speech. + +He went down to the Reese River mines about that time and presently he +lost an election bet in his mining camp, and by the terms of it he was +obliged to buy a fifty-pound sack of self-raising flour and carry it +through the town, preceded by music, and deliver it to the winner of the +bet. Of course the whole camp was present and full of fluid and +enthusiasm. The winner of the bet put up the sack at auction for the +benefit of the United States Sanitary Fund, and sold it. The excitement +grew and grew. The sack was sold over and over again for the benefit of +the Fund. The news of it came to Virginia City by telegraph. It produced +great enthusiasm, and Reuel Gridley was begged by telegraph to bring the +sack and have an auction in Virginia City. He brought it. An open +barouche was provided, also a brass band. The sack was sold over and +over again at Gold Hill, then was brought up to Virginia City toward +night and sold--and sold again, and again, and still again, netting +twenty or thirty thousand dollars for the Sanitary Fund. Gridley carried +it across California and sold it at various towns. He sold it for large +sums in Sacramento and in San Francisco. He brought it East, sold it in +New York and in various other cities, then carried it out to a great +Fair at St. Louis, and went on selling it; and finally made it up into +small cakes and sold those at a dollar apiece. First and last, the sack +of flour which had originally cost ten dollars, perhaps, netted more +than two hundred thousand dollars for the Sanitary Fund. Reuel Gridley +has been dead these many, many years--it is the old story. + +In that school were the first Jews I had ever seen. It took me a good +while to get over the awe of it. To my fancy they were clothed invisibly +in the damp and cobwebby mould of antiquity. They carried me back to +Egypt, and in imagination I moved among the Pharaohs and all the shadowy +celebrities of that remote age. The name of the boys was Levin. We had a +collective name for them which was the only really large and handsome +witticism that was ever born in that Congressional district. We called +them "Twenty-two"--and even when the joke was old and had been worn +threadbare we always followed it with the explanation, to make sure that +it would be understood, "Twice Levin--twenty-two." + +There were other boys whose names remain with me. Irving Ayres--but no +matter, he is dead. Then there was George Butler, whom I remember as a +child of seven wearing a blue leather belt with a brass buckle, and +hated and envied by all the boys on account of it. He was a nephew of +General Ben Butler and fought gallantly at Ball's Bluff and in several +other actions of the Civil War. He is dead, long and long ago. + +Will Bowen (dead long ago), Ed Stevens (dead long ago) and John Briggs +were special mates of mine. John is still living. + +[Sidenote: (1845.)] + +In 1845, when I was ten years old, there was an epidemic of measles in +the town and it made a most alarming slaughter among the little people. +There was a funeral almost daily, and the mothers of the town were +nearly demented with fright. My mother was greatly troubled. She worried +over Pamela and Henry and me, and took constant and extraordinary pains +to keep us from coming into contact with the contagion. But upon +reflection I believed that her judgment was at fault. It seemed to me +that I could improve upon it if left to my own devices. I cannot +remember now whether I was frightened about the measles or not, but I +clearly remember that I grew very tired of the suspense I suffered on +account of being continually under the threat of death. I remember that +I got so weary of it and so anxious to have the matter settled one way +or the other, and promptly, that this anxiety spoiled my days and my +nights. I had no pleasure in them. I made up my mind to end this +suspense and be done with it. Will Bowen was dangerously ill with the +measles and I thought I would go down there and catch them. I entered +the house by the front way and slipped along through rooms and halls, +keeping sharp watch against discovery, and at last I reached Will's +bed-chamber in the rear of the house on the second floor and got into it +uncaptured. But that was as far as my victory reached. His mother caught +me there a moment later and snatched me out of the house and gave me a +most competent scolding and drove me away. She was so scared that she +could hardly get her words out, and her face was white. I saw that I +must manage better next time, and I did. I hung about the lane at the +rear of the house and watched through cracks in the fence until I was +convinced that the conditions were favorable; then I slipped through the +back yard and up the back way and got into the room and into the bed +with Will Bowen without being observed. I don't know how long I was in +the bed. I only remember that Will Bowen, as society, had no value for +me, for he was too sick to even notice that I was there. When I heard +his mother coming I covered up my head, but that device was a failure. +It was dead summer-time--the cover was nothing more than a limp blanket +or sheet, and anybody could see that there were two of us under it. It +didn't remain two very long. Mrs. Bowen snatched me out of the bed and +conducted me home herself, with a grip on my collar which she never +loosened until she delivered me into my mother's hands along with her +opinion of that kind of a boy. + +It was a good case of measles that resulted. It brought me within a +shade of death's door. It brought me to where I no longer took any +interest in anything, but, on the contrary, felt a total absence of +interest--which was most placid and enchanting. I have never enjoyed +anything in my life any more than I enjoyed dying that time. I _was_, in +effect, dying. The word had been passed and the family notified to +assemble around the bed and see me off. I knew them all. There was no +doubtfulness in my vision. They were all crying, but that did not affect +me. I took but the vaguest interest in it, and that merely because I was +the centre of all this emotional attention and was gratified by it and +vain of it. + +When Dr. Cunningham had made up his mind that nothing more could be done +for me he put bags of hot ashes all over me. He put them on my breast, +on my wrists, on my ankles; and so, very much to his astonishment--and +doubtless to my regret--he dragged me back into this world and set me +going again. + +[_Dictated July 26, 1907._] In an article entitled "England's Ovation to +Mark Twain," Sydney Brooks--but never mind that, now. + +I was in Oxford by seven o'clock that evening (June 25, 1907), and +trying on the scarlet gown which the tailor had been constructing, and +found it right--right and surpassingly becoming. At half past ten the +next morning we assembled at All Souls College and marched thence, +gowned, mortar-boarded and in double file, down a long street to the +Sheldonian Theatre, between solid walls of the populace, very much +hurrah'd and limitlessly kodak'd. We made a procession of considerable +length and distinction and picturesqueness, with the Chancellor, Lord +Curzon, late Viceroy of India, in his rich robe of black and gold, in +the lead, followed by a pair of trim little boy train-bearers, and the +train-bearers followed by the young Prince Arthur of Connaught, who was +to be made a D.C.L. The detachment of D.C.L.'s were followed by the +Doctors of Science, and these by the Doctors of Literature, and these +in turn by the Doctors of Music. Sidney Colvin marched in front of me; I +was coupled with Sidney Lee, and Kipling followed us; General Booth, of +the Salvation Army, was in the squadron of D.C.L.'s. + +Our journey ended, we were halted in a fine old hall whence we could +see, through a corridor of some length, the massed audience in the +theatre. Here for a little time we moved about and chatted and made +acquaintanceships; then the D.C.L.'s were summoned, and they marched +through that corridor and the shouting began in the theatre. It would be +some time before the Doctors of Literature and of Science would be +called for, because each of those D.C.L.'s had to have a couple of Latin +speeches made over him before his promotion would be complete--one by +the Regius Professor of Civil Law, the other by the Chancellor. After a +while I asked Sir William Ramsay if a person might smoke here and not +get shot. He said, "Yes," but that whoever did it and got caught would +be fined a guinea, and perhaps hanged later. He said he knew of a place +where we could accomplish at least as much as half of a smoke before any +informers would be likely to chance upon us, and he was ready to show +the way to any who might be willing to risk the guinea and the hanging. +By request he led the way, and Kipling, Sir Norman Lockyer and I +followed. We crossed an unpopulated quadrangle and stood under one of +its exits--an archway of massive masonry--and there we lit up and began +to take comfort. The photographers soon arrived, but they were courteous +and friendly and gave us no trouble, and we gave them none. They grouped +us in all sorts of ways and photographed us at their diligent leisure, +while we smoked and talked. We were there more than an hour; then we +returned to headquarters, happy, content, and greatly refreshed. +Presently we filed into the theatre, under a very satisfactory hurrah, +and waited in a crimson column, dividing the crowded pit through the +middle, until each of us in his turn should be called to stand before +the Chancellor and hear our merits set forth in sonorous Latin. +Meantime, Kipling and I wrote autographs until some good kind soul +interfered in our behalf and procured for us a rest. + +I will now save what is left of my modesty by quoting a paragraph from +Sydney Brooks's "Ovation." + + * * * * * + +Let those stars take the place of it for the present. Sydney Brooks has +done it well. It makes me proud to read it; as proud as I was in that +old day, sixty-two years ago, when I lay dying, the centre of +attraction, with one eye piously closed upon the fleeting vanities of +this life--an excellent effect--and the other open a crack to observe +the tears, the sorrow, the admiration--all for me--all for me! + +Ah, that was the proudest moment of my long life--until Oxford! + + * * * * * + +Most Americans have been to Oxford and will remember what a dream of the +Middle Ages it is, with its crooked lanes, its gray and stately piles of +ancient architecture and its meditation-breeding air of repose and +dignity and unkinship with the noise and fret and hurry and bustle of +these modern days. As a dream of the Middle Ages Oxford was not perfect +until Pageant day arrived and furnished certain details which had been +for generations lacking. These details began to appear at mid-afternoon +on the 27th. At that time singles, couples, groups and squadrons of the +three thousand five hundred costumed characters who were to take part in +the Pageant began to ooze and drip and stream through house doors, all +over the old town, and wend toward the meadows outside the walls. Soon +the lanes were thronged with costumes which Oxford had from time to time +seen and been familiar with in bygone centuries--fashions of dress which +marked off centuries as by dates, and mile-stoned them back, and back, +and back, until history faded into legend and tradition, when Arthur was +a fact and the Round Table a reality. In this rich commingling of quaint +and strange and brilliantly colored fashions in dress the dress-changes +of Oxford for twelve centuries stood livid and realized to the eye; +Oxford as a dream of the Middle Ages was complete now as it had never, +in our day, before been complete; at last there was no discord; the +mouldering old buildings, and the picturesque throngs drifting past +them, were in harmony; soon--astonishingly soon!--the only persons that +seemed out of place, and grotesquely and offensively and criminally out +of place were such persons as came intruding along clothed in the ugly +and odious fashions of the twentieth century; they were a bitterness to +the feelings, an insult to the eye. + +The make-ups of illustrious historic personages seemed perfect, both as +to portraiture and costume; one had no trouble in recognizing them. +Also, I was apparently quite easily recognizable myself. The first +corner I turned brought me suddenly face to face with Henry VIII, a +person whom I had been implacably disliking for sixty years; but when he +put out his hand with royal courtliness and grace and said, "Welcome, +well-beloved stranger, to my century and to the hospitalities of my +realm," my old prejudices vanished away and I forgave him. I think now +that Henry the Eighth has been over-abused, and that most of us, if we +had been situated as he was, domestically, would not have been able to +get along with as limited a graveyard as he forced himself to put up +with. I feel now that he was one of the nicest men in history. Personal +contact with a king is more effective in removing baleful prejudices +than is any amount of argument drawn from tales and histories. If I had +a child I would name it Henry the Eighth, regardless of sex. + +Do you remember Charles the First?--and his broad slouch with the plume +in it? and his slender, tall figure? and his body clothed in velvet +doublet with lace sleeves, and his legs in leather, with long rapier at +his side and his spurs on his heels? I encountered him at the next +corner, and knew him in a moment--knew him as perfectly and as vividly +as I should know the Grand Chain in the Mississippi if I should see it +from the pilot-house after all these years. He bent his body and gave +his hat a sweep that fetched its plume within an inch of the ground, and +gave me a welcome that went to my heart. This king has been much +maligned; I shall understand him better hereafter, and shall regret him +more than I have been in the habit of doing these fifty or sixty years. +He did some things in his time, which might better have been left +undone, and which cast a shadow upon his name--we all know that, we all +concede it--but our error has been in regarding them as crimes and in +calling them by that name, whereas I perceive now that they were only +indiscretions. At every few steps I met persons of deathless name whom I +had never encountered before outside of pictures and statuary and +history, and these were most thrilling and charming encounters. I had +hand-shakes with Henry the Second, who had not been seen in the Oxford +streets for nearly eight hundred years; and with the Fair Rosamond, whom +I now believe to have been chaste and blameless, although I had thought +differently about it before; and with Shakespeare, one of the +pleasantest foreigners I have ever gotten acquainted with; and with +Roger Bacon; and with Queen Elizabeth, who talked five minutes and never +swore once--a fact which gave me a new and good opinion of her and moved +me to forgive her for beheading the Scottish Mary, if she really did it, +which I now doubt; and with the quaintly and anciently clad young King +Harold Harefoot, of near nine hundred years ago, who came flying by on a +bicycle and smoking a pipe, but at once checked up and got off to shake +with me; and also I met a bishop who had lost his way because this was +the first time he had been inside the walls of Oxford for as much as +twelve hundred years or thereabouts. By this time I had grown so used to +the obliterated ages and their best-known people that if I had met Adam +I should not have been either surprised or embarrassed; and if he had +come in a racing automobile and a cloud of dust, with nothing on but his +fig-leaf, it would have seemed to me all right and harmonious. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XXIV. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + +_From Susy's Biography of Me_ [1885-6]. + + + Mamma and papa have returned from Onteora and they have had a + delightful visit. Mr. Frank Stockton was down in Virginia and could + not reach Onteora in time, so they did not see him, and Mrs. Mary + Mapes Dodge was ill and couldn't go to Onteora, but Mrs. General + Custer was there, and mamma said that she was a very attractive, + sweet appearing woman. + + +[_Dictated October 9, 1906._] Onteora was situated high up in the +Catskill Mountains, in the centre of a far-reaching solitude. I do not +mean that the region was wholly uninhabited; there were farmhouses here +and there, at generous distances apart. Their occupants were descendants +of ancestors who had built the houses in Rip Van Winkle's time, or +earlier; and those ancestors were not more primitive than were this +posterity of theirs. The city people were as foreign and unfamiliar and +strange to them as monkeys would have been, and they would have +respected the monkeys as much as they respected these elegant +summer-resorters. The resorters were a puzzle to them, their ways were +so strange and their interests so trivial. They drove the resorters over +the mountain roads and listened in shamed surprise at their bursts of +enthusiasm over the scenery. The farmers had had that scenery on +exhibition from their mountain roosts all their lives, and had never +noticed anything remarkable about it. By way of an incident: a pair of +these primitives were overheard chatting about the resorters, one day, +and in the course of their talk this remark was dropped: + +"I was a-drivin' a passel of 'em round about yisterday evenin', quiet +ones, you know, still and solemn, and all to wunst they busted out to +make your hair lift and I judged hell was to pay. Now what do you reckon +it was? It wa'n't anything but jest one of them common damned yaller +sunsets." + +In those days-- + +[_Tuesday, October 16, 1906._] ... Warner is gone. Stockton is gone. I +attended both funerals. Warner was a near neighbor, from the autumn of +'71 until his death, nineteen years afterward. It is not the privilege +of the most of us to have many intimate friends--a dozen is our +aggregate--but I think he could count his by the score. It is seldom +that a man is so beloved by both sexes and all ages as Warner was. There +was a charm about his spirit, and his ways, and his words, that won all +that came within the sphere of its influence. Our children adopted him +while they were little creatures, and thenceforth, to the end, he was +"Cousin Charley" to them. He was "Uncle Charley" to the children of more +than one other friend. Mrs. Clemens was very fond of him, and he always +called her by her first name--shortened. Warner died, as she died, and +as I would die--without premonition, without a moment's warning. + +Uncle Remus still lives, and must be over a thousand years old. Indeed, +I know that this must be so, because I have seen a new photograph of him +in the public prints within the last month or so, and in that picture +his aspects are distinctly and strikingly geological, and one can see he +is thinking about the mastodons and plesiosaurians that he used to play +with when he was young. + +It is just a quarter of a century since I have seen Uncle Remus. He +visited us in our home in Hartford and was reverently devoured by the +big eyes of Susy and Clara, for I made a deep and awful impression upon +the little creatures--who knew his book by heart through my nightly +declamation of its tales to them--by revealing to them privately that he +was the real Uncle Remus whitewashed so that he could come into people's +houses the front way. + +He was the bashfulest grown person I have ever met. When there were +people about he stayed silent, and seemed to suffer until they were +gone. But he was lovely, nevertheless; for the sweetness and benignity +of the immortal Remus looked out from his eyes, and the graces and +sincerities of his character shone in his face. + +It may be that Jim Wolf was as bashful as Harris. It hardly seems +possible, yet as I look back fifty-six years and consider Jim Wolf, I am +almost persuaded that he was. He was our long slim apprentice in my +brother's printing-office in Hannibal. He was seventeen, and yet he was +as much as four times as bashful as I was, though I was only fourteen. +He boarded and slept in the house, but he was always tongue-tied in the +presence of my sister, and when even my gentle mother spoke to him he +could not answer save in frightened monosyllables. He would not enter a +room where a girl was; nothing could persuade him to do such a thing. +Once when he was in our small parlor alone, two majestic old maids +entered and seated themselves in such a way that Jim could not escape +without passing by them. He would as soon have thought of passing by one +of Harris's plesiosaurians ninety feet long. I came in presently, was +charmed with the situation, and sat down in a corner to watch Jim +suffer, and enjoy it. My mother followed a minute later and sat down +with the visitors and began to talk. Jim sat upright in his chair, and +during a quarter of an hour he did not change his position by a +shade--neither General Grant nor a bronze image could have maintained +that immovable pose more successfully. I mean as to body and limbs; with +the face there was a difference. By fleeting revealments of the face I +saw that something was happening--something out of the common. There +would be a sudden twitch of the muscles of the face, an instant +distortion, which in the next instant had passed and left no trace. +These twitches gradually grew in frequency, but no muscle outside of the +face lost any of its rigidity, or betrayed any interest in what was +happening to Jim. I mean if something _was_ happening to him, and I knew +perfectly well that that was the case. At last a pair of tears began to +swim slowly down his cheeks amongst the twitchings, but Jim sat still +and let them run; then I saw his right hand steal along his thigh until +half-way to his knee, then take a vigorous grip upon the cloth. + +That was a _wasp_ that he was grabbing! A colony of them were climbing +up his legs and prospecting around, and every time he winced they +stabbed him to the hilt--so for a quarter of an hour one group of +excursionists after another climbed up Jim's legs and resented even the +slightest wince or squirm that he indulged himself with, in his misery. +When the entertainment had become nearly unbearable, he conceived the +idea of gripping them between his fingers and putting them out of +commission. He succeeded with many of them, but at great cost, for, as +he couldn't see the wasp, he was as likely to take hold of the wrong end +of him as he was the right; then the dying wasp gave him a punch to +remember the incident by. + +If those ladies had stayed all day, and if all the wasps in Missouri had +come and climbed up Jim's legs, nobody there would ever have known it +but Jim and the wasps and me. There he would have sat until the ladies +left. + +When they finally went away we went up-stairs and he took his clothes +off, and his legs were a picture to look at. They looked as if they were +mailed all over with shirt buttons, each with a single red hole in the +centre. The pain was intolerable--no, would have been intolerable, but +the pain of the presence of those ladies had been so much harder to bear +that the pain of the wasps' stings was quite pleasant and enjoyable by +comparison. + +Jim never could enjoy wasps. I remember once-- + + + _From Susy's Biography of Me_ [1885-6]. + + Mamma has given me a very pleasant little newspaper scrap about + papa, to copy. I will put it in here. + + +[_Thursday, October 11, 1906._] It was a rather strong compliment; I +think I will leave it out. It was from James Redpath. + +The chief ingredients of Redpath's make-up were honesty, sincerity, +kindliness, and pluck. He wasn't afraid. He was one of Ossawatomie +Brown's right-hand men in the bleeding Kansas days; he was all through +that struggle. He carried his life in his hands, and from one day to +another it wasn't worth the price of a night's lodging. He had a small +body of daring men under him, and they were constantly being hunted by +the "jayhawkers," who were proslavery Missourians, guerillas, modern +free lances. + +[_Friday, October 12, 1906._] ... I can't think of the name of that +daredevil guerilla who led the jayhawkers and chased Redpath up and +down the country, and, in turn, was chased by Redpath. By grace of the +chances of war, the two men never met in the field, though they several +times came within an ace of it. + +Ten or twelve years later, Redpath was earning his living in Boston as +chief of the lecture business in the United States. Fifteen or sixteen +years after his Kansas adventures I became a public lecturer, and he was +my agent. Along there somewhere was a press dinner, one November night, +at the Tremont Hotel in Boston, and I attended it. I sat near the head +of the table, with Redpath between me and the chairman; a stranger sat +on my other side. I tried several times to talk with the stranger, but +he seemed to be out of words and I presently ceased from troubling him. +He was manifestly a very shy man, and, moreover, he might have been +losing sleep the night before. + +The first man called up was Redpath. At the mention of the name the +stranger started, and showed interest. He fixed a fascinated eye on +Redpath, and lost not a word of his speech. Redpath told some stirring +incidents of his career in Kansas, and said, among other things: + +"Three times I came near capturing the gallant jayhawker chief, and once +he actually captured _me_, but didn't know me and let me go, because he +said he was hot on Redpath's trail and couldn't afford to waste time and +rope on inconsequential small fry." + +My stranger was called up next, and when Redpath heard his name he, in +turn, showed a startled interest. The stranger said, bending a caressing +glance upon Redpath and speaking gently--I may even say sweetly: + +"You realize that I was that jayhawker chief. I am glad to know you now +and take you to my heart and call you friend"--then he added, in a voice +that was pathetic with regret, "but if I had only known you then, what +tumultuous happiness I should have had in your society!--while it +lasted." + +The last quarter of a century of my life has been pretty constantly and +faithfully devoted to the study of the human race--that is to say, the +study of myself, for, in my individual person, I am the entire human +race compacted together. I have found that then is no ingredient of the +race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way. When +it is small, as compared with the same ingredient in somebody else, +there is still enough of it for all the purposes of examination. In my +contacts with the species I find no one who possesses a quality which I +do not possess. The shades of difference between other people and me +serve to make variety and prevent monotony, but that is all; broadly +speaking, we are all alike; and so by studying myself carefully and +comparing myself with other people, and noting the divergences, I have +been enabled to acquire a knowledge of the human race which I perceive +is more accurate and more comprehensive than that which has been +acquired and revealed by any other member of our species. As a result, +my private and concealed opinion of myself is not of a complimentary +sort. It follows that my estimate of the human race is the duplicate of +my estimate of myself. + +I am not proposing to discuss all of the peculiarities of the human +race, at this time; I only wish to touch lightly upon one or two of +them. To begin with, I wonder why a man should prefer a good +billiard-table to a poor one; and why he should prefer straight cues to +crooked ones; and why he should prefer round balls to chipped ones; and +why he should prefer a level table to one that slants; and why he should +prefer responsive cushions to the dull and unresponsive kind. I wonder +at these things, because when we examine the matter we find that the +essentials involved in billiards are as competently and exhaustively +furnished by a bad billiard outfit as they are by the best one. One of +the essentials is amusement. Very well, if there is any more amusement +to be gotten out of the one outfit than out of the other, the facts are +in favor of the bad outfit. The bad outfit will always furnish thirty +per cent. more fun for the players and for the spectators than will the +good outfit. Another essential of the game is that the outfit shall give +the players full opportunity to exercise their best skill, and display +it in a way to compel the admiration of the spectators. Very well, the +bad outfit is nothing behind the good one in this regard. It is a +difficult matter to estimate correctly the eccentricities of chipped +balls and a slanting table, and make the right allowance for them and +secure a count; the finest kind of skill is required to accomplish the +satisfactory result. Another essential of the game is that it shall add +to the interest of the game by furnishing opportunities to bet. Very +well, in this regard no good outfit can claim any advantage over a bad +one. I know, by experience, that a bad outfit is as valuable as the +best one; that an outfit that couldn't be sold at auction for seven +dollars is just as valuable for all the essentials of the game as an +outfit that is worth a thousand. + +I acquired some of this learning in Jackass Gulch, California, more than +forty years ago. Jackass Gulch had once been a rich and thriving +surface-mining camp. By and by its gold deposits were exhausted; then +the people began to go away, and the town began to decay, and rapidly; +in my time it had disappeared. Where the bank, and the city hall, and +the church, and the gambling-dens, and the newspaper office, and the +streets of brick blocks had been, was nothing now but a wide and +beautiful expanse of green grass, a peaceful and charming solitude. Half +a dozen scattered dwellings were still inhabited, and there was still +one saloon of a ruined and rickety character struggling for life, but +doomed. In its bar was a billiard outfit that was the counterpart of the +one in my father-in-law's garret. The balls were chipped, the cloth was +darned and patched, the table's surface was undulating, and the cues +were headless and had the curve of a parenthesis--but the forlorn +remnant of marooned miners played games there, and those games were more +entertaining to look at than a circus and a grand opera combined. +Nothing but a quite extraordinary skill could score a carom on that +table--a skill that required the nicest estimate of force, distance, and +how much to allow for the various slants of the table and the other +formidable peculiarities and idiosyncrasies furnished by the +contradictions of the outfit. Last winter, here in New York, I saw Hoppe +and Schaefer and Sutton and the three or four other billiard champions +of world-wide fame contend against each other, and certainly the art and +science displayed were a wonder to see; yet I saw nothing there in the +way of science and art that was more wonderful than shots which I had +seen Texas Tom make on the wavy surface of that poor old wreck in the +perishing saloon at Jackass Gulch forty years before. Once I saw Texas +Tom make a string of seven points on a single inning!--all calculated +shots, and not a fluke or a scratch among them. I often saw him make +runs of four, but when he made his great string of seven, the boys went +wild with enthusiasm and admiration. The joy and the noise exceeded that +which the great gathering at Madison Square produced when Sutton scored +five hundred points at the eighteen-inch game, on a world-famous night +last winter. With practice, that champion could score nineteen or +twenty on the Jackass Gulch table; but to start with, Texas Tom would +show him miracles that would astonish him; also it might have another +handsome result: it might persuade the great experts to discard their +own trifling game and bring the Jackass Gulch outfit here and exhibit +their skill in a game worth a hundred of the discarded one, for profound +and breathless interest, and for displays of almost superhuman skill. + +In my experience, games played with a fiendish outfit furnish ecstasies +of delight which games played with the other kind cannot match. +Twenty-seven years ago my budding little family spent the summer at +Bateman's Point, near Newport, Rhode Island. It was a comfortable +boarding-place, well stocked with sweet mothers and little children, but +the male sex was scarce; however, there was another young fellow besides +myself, and he and I had good times--Higgins was his name, but that was +not his fault. He was a very pleasant and companionable person. On the +premises there was what had once been a bowling-alley. It was a single +alley, and it was estimated that it had been out of repair for sixty +years--but not the balls, the balls were in good condition; there were +forty-one of them, and they ranged in size from a grapefruit up to a +lignum-vitæ sphere that you could hardly lift. Higgins and I played on +that alley day after day. At first, one of us located himself at the +bottom end to set up the pins in case anything should happen to them, +but nothing happened. The surface of that alley consisted of a rolling +stretch of elevations and depressions, and neither of us could, by any +art known to us, persuade a ball to stay on the alley until it should +accomplish something. Little balls and big, the same thing always +happened--the ball left the alley before it was half-way home and went +thundering down alongside of it the rest of the way and made the +gamekeeper climb out and take care of himself. No matter, we persevered, +and were rewarded. We examined the alley, noted and located a lot of its +peculiarities, and little by little we learned how to deliver a ball in +such a way that it would travel home and knock down a pin or two. By and +by we succeeded in improving our game to a point where we were able to +get all of the pins with thirty-five balls--so we made it a +thirty-five-ball game. If the player did not succeed with thirty-five, +he had lost the game. I suppose that all the balls, taken together, +weighed five hundred pounds, or maybe a ton--or along there +somewhere--but anyway it was hot weather, and by the time that a player +had sent thirty-five of them home he was in a drench of perspiration, +and physically exhausted. + +Next, we started cocked hat--that is to say, a triangle of three pins, +the other seven being discarded. In this game we used the three smallest +balls and kept on delivering them until we got the three pins down. +After a day or two of practice we were able to get the chief pin with an +output of four balls, but it cost us a great many deliveries to get the +other two; but by and by we succeeded in perfecting our art--at least we +perfected it to our limit. We reached a scientific excellence where we +could get the three pins down with twelve deliveries of the three small +balls, making thirty-six shots to conquer the cocked hat. + +Having reached our limit for daylight work, we set up a couple of +candles and played at night. As the alley was fifty or sixty feet long, +we couldn't see the pins, but the candles indicated their locality. We +continued this game until we were able to knock down the invisible pins +with thirty-six shots. Having now reached the limit of the candle game, +we changed and played it left-handed. We continued the left-handed game +until we conquered its limit, which was fifty-four shots. Sometimes we +sent down a succession of fifteen balls without getting anything at all. +We easily got out of that old alley five times the fun that anybody +could have gotten out of the best alley in New York. + +One blazing hot day, a modest and courteous officer of the regular army +appeared in our den and introduced himself. He was about thirty-five +years old, well built and militarily erect and straight, and he was +hermetically sealed up in the uniform of that ignorant old day--a +uniform made of heavy material, and much properer for January than July. +When he saw the venerable alley, and glanced from that to the long +procession of shining balls in the trough, his eye lit with desire, and +we judged that he was our meat. We politely invited him to take a hand, +and he could not conceal his gratitude; though his breeding, and the +etiquette of his profession, made him try. We explained the game to him, +and said that there were forty-one balls, and that the player was +privileged to extend his inning and keep on playing until he had used +them all up--repeatedly--and that for every ten-strike he got a prize. +We didn't name the prize--it wasn't necessary, as no prize would ever be +needed or called for. He started a sarcastic smile, but quenched it, +according to the etiquette of his profession. He merely remarked that he +would like to select a couple of medium balls and one small one, adding +that he didn't think he would need the rest. + +Then he began, and he was an astonished man. He couldn't get a ball to +stay on the alley. When he had fired about fifteen balls and hadn't yet +reached the cluster of pins, his annoyance began to show out through his +clothes. He wouldn't let it show in his face; but after another fifteen +balls he was not able to control his face; he didn't utter a word, but +he exuded mute blasphemy from every pore. He asked permission to take +off his coat, which was granted; then he turned himself loose, with +bitter determination, and although he was only an infantry officer he +could have been mistaken for a battery, he got up such a volleying +thunder with those balls. Presently he removed his cravat; after a +little he took off his vest; and still he went bravely on. Higgins was +suffocating. My condition was the same, but it would not be courteous to +laugh; it would be better to burst, and we came near it. That officer +was good pluck. He stood to his work without uttering a word, and kept +the balls going until he had expended the outfit four times, making four +times forty-one shots; then he had to give it up, and he did; for he was +no longer able to stand without wobbling. He put on his clothes, bade us +a courteous good-by, invited us to call at the Fort, and started away. +Then he came back, and said, + +"What is the prize for the ten-strike?" + +We had to confess that we had not selected it yet. + +He said, gravely, that he thought there was no occasion for hurry about +it. + +I believe Bateman's alley was a better one than any other in America, in +the matter of the essentials of the game. It compelled skill; it +provided opportunity for bets; and if you could get a stranger to do the +bowling for you, there was more and wholesomer and delightfuler +entertainment to be gotten out of his industries than out of the finest +game by the best expert, and played upon the best alley elsewhere in +existence. + + MARK TWAIN. + + (_To be Continued._) + + + + +NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW + +No. DCXXV. + +DECEMBER, 1907. + + +CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--XXV. + +BY MARK TWAIN. + + +_January 11, 1906._ Answer to a letter received this morning: + + + DEAR MRS. H.,--I am forever your debtor for reminding me of that + curious passage in my life. During the first year or two after it + happened, I could not bear to think of it. My pain and shame were + so intense, and my sense of having been an imbecile so settled, + established and confirmed, that I drove the episode entirely from + my mind--and so all these twenty-eight or twenty-nine years I have + lived in the conviction that my performance of that time was + coarse, vulgar and destitute of humor. But your suggestion that you + and your family found humor in it twenty-eight years ago moved me + to look into the matter. So I commissioned a Boston typewriter to + delve among the Boston papers of that bygone time and send me a + copy of it. + + It came this morning, and if there is any vulgarity about it I am + not able to discover it. If it isn't innocently and ridiculously + funny, I am no judge. I will see to it that you get a copy. + + + Address of Samuel L. Clemens ("Mark Twain") + From a report of the dinner given by the Publishers + of the Atlantic Monthly in honor of the + Seventieth Anniversary of the + Birth of John Greenleaf Whittier, at the Hotel Brunswick, + Boston, December 17, 1877, + as published in the + BOSTON EVENING TRANSCRIPT, + December 18, 1877 + + + Mr. Chairman--This is an occasion peculiarly meet for the digging + up of pleasant reminiscences concerning literary folk; therefore I + will drop lightly into history myself. Standing here on the shore + of the Atlantic and contemplating certain of its largest literary + billows, I am reminded of a thing which happened to me thirteen + years ago, when I had just succeeded in stirring up a little + Nevadian literary puddle myself, whose spume-flakes were beginning + to blow thinly Californiawards. I started an inspection tramp + through the southern mines of California. I was callow and + conceited, and I resolved to try the virtue of my _nom de guerre._ + I very soon had an opportunity. I knocked at a miner's lonely log + cabin in the foothills of the Sierras just at nightfall. It was + snowing at the time. A jaded, melancholy man of fifty, barefooted, + opened the door to me. When he heard my _nom de guerre_ he looked + more dejected than before. He let me in--pretty reluctantly, I + thought--and after the customary bacon and beans, black coffee and + hot whiskey, I took a pipe. This sorrowful man had not said three + words up to this time. Now he spoke up and said, in the voice of + one who is secretly suffering, "You're the fourth--I'm going to + move." "The fourth what!" said I. "The fourth littery man that has + been here in twenty-four hours--I'm going to move." "You don't tell + me!" said I; "who were the others!" "Mr. Longfellow, Mr. Emerson + and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes--consound the lot!" + + You can easily believe I was interested. I supplicated--three hot + whiskeys did the rest--and finally the melancholy miner began. Said + he-- + + "They came here just at dark yesterday evening, and I let them in + of course. Said they were going to the Yosemite. They were a rough + lot, but that's nothing; everybody looks rough that travels afoot. + Mr. Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chap, red-headed. Mr. + Holmes as fat as a balloon; he weighed as much as three hundred, + and double chins all the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow + built like a prize-fighter. His head was cropped and bristly, like + as if he had a wig made of hair-brushes. His nose lay straight down + his face, like a finger with the end joint tilted up. They had been + drinking, I could see that. And what queer talk they used! Mr. + Holmes inspected this cabin, then he took me by the buttonhole, and + says he-- + + + "'Through the deep cares of thought + I hear a voice that sings, + Build thee more stately mansions, + O my soul!' + + + "Says I, 'I can't afford it, Mr. Holmes, and moreover I don't want + to.' Blamed if I liked it pretty well, either, coming from a + stranger, that way. However, I started to get out my bacon and + beans, when Mr. Emerson came and looked on awhile, and then he + takes me aside by the buttonhole and says-- + + + "'Give me agates for my meat; + Give me cantharids to eat; + From air and ocean bring me foods, + From all zones and altitudes.' + + + "Says I, 'Mr. Emerson, if you'll excuse me, this ain't no hotel.' + You see it sort of riled me--I warn't used to the ways of littery + swells. But I went on a-sweating over my work, and next comes Mr. + Longfellow and buttonholes me, and interrupts me. Says he, + + + "'Honor be to Mudjekeewis! + You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis--' + + + "But I broke in, and says I, 'Beg your pardon, Mr. Longfellow, if + you'll be so kind as to hold your yawp for about five minutes and + let me get this grub ready, you'll do me proud.' Well, sir, after + they'd filled up I set out the jug. Mr. Holmes looks at it and then + he fires up all of a sudden and yells-- + + + "'Flash out a stream of blood-red wine! + For I would drink to other days.' + + + "By George, I was getting kind of worked up. I don't deny it, I was + getting kind of worked up. I turns to Mr. Holmes, and says I, + 'Looky here, my fat friend, I'm a-running this shanty, and if the + court knows herself, you'll take whiskey straight or you'll go + dry.' Them's the very words I said to him. Now I don't want to sass + such famous littery people, but you see they kind of forced me. + There ain't nothing onreasonable 'bout me; I don't mind a passel of + guests a-treadin' on my tail three or four times, but when it comes + to _standing_ on it it's different, 'and if the court knows + herself,' I says, 'you'll take whiskey straight or you'll go dry.' + Well, between drinks they'd swell around the cabin and strike + attitudes and spout; and pretty soon they got out a greasy old deck + and went to playing euchre at ten cents a corner--on trust. I began + to notice some pretty suspicious things. Mr. Emerson dealt, looked + at his hand, shook his head, says-- + + + "'I am the doubter and the doubt--' + + + and ca'mly bunched the hands and went to shuffling for a new + layout. Says he-- + + + "'They reckon ill who leave me out; + They know not well the subtle ways I keep. + I pass and deal _again_!' + + + Hang'd if he didn't go ahead and do it, too! O, he was a cool one! + Well, in about a minute, things were running pretty tight, but all + of a sudden I see by Mr. Emerson's eye he judged he had 'em. He had + already corralled two tricks and each of the others one. So now he + kind of lifts a little in his chair and says-- + + + "'I tire of globes and aces!-- + Too long the game is played!' + + + --and down he fetched a right bower. Mr. Longfellow smiles as sweet + as pie and says-- + + + "'Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friend, + For the lesson thou hast taught,' + + + --and blamed if he didn't down with _another_ right bower! Emerson + claps his hand on his bowie, Longfellow claps his on his revolver, + and I went under a bunk. There was going to be trouble; but that + monstrous Holmes rose up, wobbling his double chins, and says he, + 'Order, gentlemen; the first man that draws, I'll lay down on him + and smother him!' All quiet on the Potomac, you bet! + + "They were pretty how-come-you-so, by now, and they begun to blow. + Emerson says, 'The nobbiest thing I ever wrote was Barbara + Frietchie.' Says Longfellow, 'It don't begin with my Biglow + Papers.' Says Holmes, 'My Thanatopsis lays over 'em both.' They + mighty near ended in a fight. Then they wished they had some more + company--and Mr. Emerson pointed to me and says-- + + + "'Is yonder squalid peasant all + That this proud nursery could breed?' + + + He was a-whetting his bowie on his boot--so I let it pass. Well, + sir, next they took it into their heads that they would like some + music; so they made me stand up and sing 'When Johnny Comes + Marching Home' till I dropped--at thirteen minutes past four this + morning. That's what I've been through, my friend. When I woke at + seven, they were leaving, thank goodness, and Mr. Longfellow had my + only boots on, and his'n under his arm. Says I, 'Hold on, there, + Evangeline, what are you going to do with _them_! He says, 'Going + to make tracks with 'em; because-- + + + "'Lives of great men all remind us + We can make our lives sublime; + And, departing, leave behind us + Footprints on the sands of time.' + + + As I said, Mr. Twain, you are the fourth in twenty-four hours--and + I'm going to move; I ain't suited to a littery atmosphere." + + I said to the miner, "Why, my dear sir, _these_ were not the + gracious singers to whom we and the world pay loving reverence and + homage; these were impostors." + + The miner investigated me with a calm eye for a while; then said + he, "Ah! impostors, were they? Are _you_? + + I did not pursue the subject, and since then I have not travelled + on my _nom de guerre_ enough to hurt. Such was the reminiscence I + was moved to contribute, Mr. Chairman. In my enthusiasm I may have + exaggerated the details a little, but you will easily forgive me + that fault, since I believe it is the first time I have ever + deflected from perpendicular fact on an occasion like this. + + +What I have said to Mrs. H. is true. I did suffer during a year or two +from the deep humiliations of that episode. But at last, in 1888, in +Venice, my wife and I came across Mr. and Mrs. A. P. C., of Concord, +Massachusetts, and a friendship began then of the sort which nothing but +death terminates. The C.'s were very bright people and in every way +charming and companionable. We were together a month or two in Venice +and several months in Rome, afterwards, and one day that lamented break +of mine was mentioned. And when I was on the point of lathering those +people for bringing it to my mind when I had gotten the memory of it +almost squelched, I perceived with joy that the C.'s were indignant +about the way that my performance had been received in Boston. They +poured out their opinions most freely and frankly about the frosty +attitude of the people who were present at that performance, and about +the Boston newspapers for the position they had taken in regard to the +matter. That position was that I had been irreverent beyond belief, +beyond imagination. Very well, I had accepted that as a fact for a year +or two, and had been thoroughly miserable about it whenever I thought of +it--which was not frequently, if I could help it. Whenever I thought of +it I wondered how I ever could have been inspired to do so unholy a +thing. Well, the C.'s comforted me, but they did not persuade me to +continue to think about the unhappy episode. I resisted that. I tried to +get it out of my mind, and let it die, and I succeeded. Until Mrs. H.'s +letter came, it had been a good twenty-five years since I had thought of +that matter; and when she said that the thing was funny I wondered if +possibly she might be right. At any rate, my curiosity was aroused, and +I wrote to Boston and got the whole thing copied, as above set forth. + +I vaguely remember some of the details of that gathering--dimly I can +see a hundred people--no, perhaps fifty--shadowy figures sitting at +tables feeding, ghosts now to me, and nameless forever more. I don't +know who they were, but I can very distinctly see, seated at the grand +table and facing the rest of us, Mr. Emerson, supernaturally grave, +unsmiling; Mr. Whittier, grave, lovely, his beautiful spirit shining out +of his face; Mr. Longfellow, with his silken white hair and his +benignant face; Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, flashing smiles and affection +and all good-fellowship everywhere like a rose-diamond whose facets are +being turned toward the light first one way and then another--a charming +man, and always fascinating, whether he was talking or whether he was +sitting still (what _he_ would call still, but what would be more or +lees motion to other people). I can see those figures with entire +distinctness across this abyss of time. + +One other feature is clear--Willie Winter (for these past thousand years +dramatic editor of the "New York Tribune," and still occupying that high +post in his old age) was there. He was much younger then than he is now, +and he showed it. It was always a pleasure to me to see Willie Winter at +a banquet. During a matter of twenty years I was seldom at a banquet +where Willie Winter was not also present, and where he did not read a +charming poem written for the occasion. He did it this time, and it was +up to standard: dainty, happy, choicely phrased, and as good to listen +to as music, and sounding exactly as if it was pouring unprepared out of +heart and brain. + +Now at that point ends all that was pleasurable about that notable +celebration of Mr. Whittier's seventieth birthday--because I got up at +that point and followed Winter, with what I have no doubt I supposed +would be the gem of the evening--the gay oration above quoted from the +Boston paper. I had written it all out the day before and had perfectly +memorized it, and I stood up there at my genial and happy and +self-satisfied ease, and began to deliver it. Those majestic guests, +that row of venerable and still active volcanoes, listened, as did +everybody else in the house, with attentive interest. Well, I delivered +myself of--we'll say the first two hundred words of my speech. I was +expecting no returns from that part of the speech, but this was not the +case as regarded the rest of it. I arrived now at the dialogue: 'The old +miner said, "You are the fourth, I'm going to move." "The fourth what?" +said I. He answered, "The fourth littery man that has been here in +twenty-four hours. I am going to move." "Why, you don't tell me," said +I. "Who were the others?" "Mr. Longfellow, Mr. Emerson, Mr. Oliver +Wendell Holmes, consound the lot--"' + +Now then the house's _attention_ continued, but the expression of +interest in the faces turned to a sort of black frost. I wondered what +the trouble was. I didn't know. I went on, but with difficulty--I +struggled along, and entered upon that miner's fearful description of +the bogus Emerson, the bogus Holmes, the bogus Longfellow, always +hoping--but with a gradually perishing hope--that somebody would laugh, +or that somebody would at least smile, but nobody did. I didn't know +enough to give it up and sit down, I was too new to public speaking, and +so I went on with this awful performance, and carried it clear through +to the end, in front of a body of people who seemed turned to stone with +horror. It was the sort of expression their faces would have worn if I +had been making these remarks about the Deity and the rest of the +Trinity; there is no milder way in which to describe the petrified +condition and the ghastly expression of those people. + +When I sat down it was with a heart which had long ceased to beat. I +shall never be as dead again as I was then. I shall never be as +miserable again as I was then. I speak now as one who doesn't know what +the condition of things may be in the next world, but in this one I +shall never be as wretched again as I was then. Howells, who was near +me, tried to say a comforting word, but couldn't get beyond a gasp. +There was no use--he understood the whole size of the disaster. He had +good intentions, but the words froze before they could get out. It was +an atmosphere that would freeze anything. If Benvenuto Cellini's +salamander had been in that place he would not have survived to be put +into Cellini's autobiography. There was a frightful pause. There was an +awful silence, a desolating silence. Then the next man on the list had +to get up--there was no help for it. That was Bishop--Bishop had just +burst handsomely upon the world with a most acceptable novel, which had +appeared in the "Atlantic Monthly," a place which would make any novel +respectable and any author noteworthy. In this case the novel itself was +recognized as being, without extraneous help, respectable. Bishop was +away up in the public favor, and he was an object of high interest, +consequently there was a sort of national expectancy in the air; we may +say our American millions were standing, from Maine to Texas and from +Alaska to Florida, holding their breath, their lips parted, their hands +ready to applaud when Bishop should get up on that occasion, and for the +first time in his life speak in public. It was under these damaging +conditions that he got up to "make good," as the vulgar say. I had +spoken several times before, and that in the reason why I was able to go +on without dying in my tracks, as I ought to have done--but Bishop had +had no experience. He was up facing those awful deities--facing those +other people, those strangers--facing human beings for the first time in +his life, with a speech to utter. No doubt it was well packed away in +his memory, no doubt it was fresh and usable, until I had been heard +from. I suppose that after that, and under the smothering pall of that +dreary silence, it began to waste away and disappear out of his head +like the rags breaking from the edge of a fog, and presently there +wasn't any fog left. He didn't go on--he didn't last long. It was not +many sentences after his first before he began to hesitate, and break, +and lose his grip, and totter, and wobble, and at last he slumped down +in a limp and mushy pile. + +Well, the programme for the occasion was probably not more than +one-third finished, but it ended there. Nobody rose. The next man hadn't +strength enough to get up, and everybody looked so dazed, so stupefied, +paralyzed, it was impossible for anybody to do anything, or even try. +Nothing could go on in that strange atmosphere. Howells mournfully, and +without words, hitched himself to Bishop and me and supported us out of +the room. It was very kind--he was most generous. He towed us tottering +away into some room in that building, and we sat down there. I don't +know what my remark was now, but I know the nature of it. It was the +kind of remark you make when you know that nothing in the world can help +your case. But Howells was honest--he had to say the heart-breaking +things he did say: that there was no help for this calamity, this +shipwreck, this cataclysm; that this was the most disastrous thing that +had ever happened in anybody's history--and then he added, "That is, for +_you_--and consider what you have done for Bishop. It is bad enough in +your case, you deserve to suffer. You have committed this crime, and you +deserve to have all you are going to get. But here is an innocent man. +Bishop had never done you any harm, and see what you have done to him. +He can never hold his head up again. The world can never look upon +Bishop as being a live person. He is a corpse." + +That is the history of that episode of twenty-eight years ago, which +pretty nearly killed me with shame during that first year or two +whenever it forced its way into my mind. + +Now, then, I take that speech up and examine it. As I said, it arrived +this morning, from Boston. I have read it twice, and unless I am an +idiot, it hasn't a single defect in it from the first word to the last. +It is just as good as good can be. It is smart; it is saturated with +humor. There isn't a suggestion of coarseness or vulgarity in it +anywhere. What could have been the matter with that house? It is +amazing, it is incredible, that they didn't shout with laughter, and +those deities the loudest of them all. Could the fault have been with +me? Did I lose courage when I saw those great men up there whom I was +going to describe in such a strange fashion? If that happened, if I +showed doubt, that can account for it, for you can't be successfully +funny if you show that you are afraid of it. Well, I can't account for +it, but if I had those beloved and revered old literary immortals back +here now on the platform at Carnegie Hall I would take that same old +speech, deliver it, word for word, and melt them till they'd run all +over that stage. Oh, the fault must have been with _me_, it is not in +the speech at all. + +[_Dictated October 3, 1907._] In some ways, I was always honest; even +from my earliest years I could never bring myself to use money which I +had acquired in questionable ways; many a time I tried, but principle +was always stronger than desire. Six or eight months ago, +Lieutenant-General Nelson A. Miles was given a great dinner-party in New +York, and when he and I were chatting together in the drawing-room +before going out to dinner he said, + +"I've known you as much as thirty years, isn't it?" + +I said, "Yes, that's about it, I think." + +He mused a moment or two and then said, + +"I wonder we didn't meet in Washington in 1867; you were there at that +time, weren't you?" + +I said, "Yes, but there was a difference; I was not known then; I had +not begun to bud--I was an obscurity; but you had been adding to your +fine Civil War record; you had just come back from your brilliant +Indian campaign in the Far West, and had been rewarded with a +brigadier-generalship in the regular army, and everybody was talking +about you and praising you. If you had met me, you wouldn't be able to +remember it now--unless some unusual circumstance of the meeting had +burnt it into your memory. It is forty years ago, and people don't +remember nobodies over a stretch of time like that." + +I didn't wish to continue the conversation along that line, so I changed +the subject. I could have proven to him, without any trouble, that we +did meet in Washington in 1867, but I thought it might embarrass one or +the other of us, so I didn't do it. I remember the incident very well. +This was the way of it: + +I had just come back from the Quaker City Excursion, and had made a +contract with Bliss of Hartford to write "The Innocents Abroad." I was +out of money, and I went down to Washington to see if I could earn +enough there to keep me in bread and butter while I should write the +book. I came across William Clinton, brother of the astronomer, and +together we invented a scheme for our mutual sustenance; we became the +fathers and originators of what is a common feature in the newspaper +world now--the syndicate. We became the old original first Newspaper +Syndicate on the planet; it was on a small scale, but that is usual with +untried new enterprises. We had twelve journals on our list; they were +all weeklies, all obscure and poor, and all scattered far away among the +back settlements. It was a proud thing for those little newspapers to +have a Washington correspondence, and a fortunate thing for us that they +felt in that way about it. Each of the twelve took two letters a week +from us, at a dollar per letter; each of us wrote one letter per week +and sent off six duplicates of it to these benefactors, thus acquiring +twenty-four dollars a week to live on--which was all we needed, in our +cheap and humble quarters. + +Clinton was one of the dearest and loveliest human beings I have ever +known, and we led a charmed existence together, in a contentment which +knew no bounds. Clinton was refined by nature and breeding; he was a +gentleman by nature and breeding; he was highly educated; he was of a +beautiful spirit; he was pure in heart and speech. He was a Scotchman, +and a Presbyterian; a Presbyterian of the old and genuine school, being +honest and sincere in his religion, and loving it, and finding serenity +and peace in it. He hadn't a vice--unless a large and grateful sympathy +with Scotch whiskey may be called by that name. I didn't regard it as a +vice, because he was a Scotchman, and Scotch whiskey to a Scotchman is +as innocent as milk is to the rest of the human race. In Clinton's case +it was a virtue, and not an economical one. Twenty-four dollars a week +would really have been riches to us if we hadn't had to support that +jug; because of the jug we were always sailing pretty close to the wind, +and any tardiness in the arrival of any part of our income was sure to +cause us some inconvenience. + +I remember a time when a shortage occurred; we had to have three +dollars, and we had to have it before the close of the day. I don't know +now how we happened to want all that money at one time; I only know we +had to have it. Clinton told me to go out and find it--and he said he +would also go out and see what he could do. He didn't seem to have any +doubt that we would succeed, but I knew that that was his religion +working in him; I hadn't the same confidence; I hadn't any idea where to +turn to raise all that bullion, and I said so. I think he was ashamed of +me, privately, because of my weak faith. He told me to give myself no +uneasiness, no concern; and said in a simple, confident, and +unquestioning way, "the Lord will provide." I saw that he fully believed +the Lord would provide, but it seemed to me that if he had had my +experience-- + +But never mind that; before he was done with me his strong faith had had +its influence, and I went forth from the place almost convinced that the +Lord really would provide. + +I wandered around the streets for an hour, trying to think up some way +to get that money, but nothing suggested itself. At last I lounged into +the big lobby of the Ebbitt House, which was then a new hotel, and sat +down. Presently a dog came loafing along. He paused, glanced up at me +and said, with his eyes, "Are you friendly?" I answered, with my eyes, +that I was. He gave his tail a grateful little wag and came forward and +rested his jaw on my knee and lifted his brown eyes to my face in a +winningly affectionate way. He was a lovely creature--as beautiful as a +girl, and he was made all of silk and velvet. I stroked his smooth brown +head and fondled his drooping ears, and we were a pair of lovers right +away. Pretty soon Brigadier-General Miles, the hero of the land, came +strolling by in his blue and gold splendors, with everybody's admiring +gaze upon him. He saw the dog and stopped, and there was a light in his +eye which showed that he had a warm place in his heart for dogs like +this gracious creature; then he came forward and patted the dog and +said, + +"He is very fine--he is a wonder; would you sell him?" + +I was greatly moved; it seemed a marvellous thing to me, the way +Clinton's prediction had come true. I said, + +"Yes." + +The General said, + +"What do you ask for him?" + +"Three dollars." + +The General was manifestly surprised. He said, + +"Three dollars? Only three dollars? Why, that dog is a most uncommon +dog; he can't possibly be worth leas than fifty. If he were mine, I +wouldn't take a hundred for him. I'm afraid you are not aware of his +value. Reconsider your price if you like, I don't wish to wrong you." + +But if he had known me he would have known that I was no more capable of +wronging him than he was of wronging me. I responded with the same quiet +decision as before, + +"No--three dollars. That is his price." + +"Very well, since you insist upon it," said the General, and he gave me +three dollars and led the dog away, and disappeared up-stairs. + +In about ten minutes a gentle-faced middle-aged gentleman came along, +and began to look around here and there and under tables and everywhere, +and I said to him, + +"Is it a dog you are looking for?" + +His face was sad, before, and troubled; but it lit up gladly now, and he +answered, + +"Yes--have you seen him?" + +"Yes," I said, "he was here a minute ago, and I saw him follow a +gentleman away. I think I could find him for you if you would like me to +try." + +I have seldom seen a person look so grateful--and there was gratitude in +his voice, too, when he conceded that he would like me to try. I said I +would do it with great pleasure, but that as it might take a little time +I hoped he would not mind paying me something for my trouble. He said he +would do it most gladly--repeating that phrase "most gladly"--and asked +me how much. I said-- + +"Three dollars." + +He looked surprised, and said, + +"Dear me, it is nothing! I will pay you ten, quite willingly." + +But I said, + +"No, three is the price"--and I started for the stairs without waiting +for any further argument, for Clinton had said that that was the amount +that the Lord would provide, and it seemed to me that it would be +sacrilegious to take a penny more than was promised. + +I got the number of the General's room from the office-clerk, as I +passed by his wicket, and when I reached the room I found the General +there caressing his dog, and quite happy. I said, + +"I am sorry, but I have to take the dog again." + +He seemed very much surprised, and said, + +"Take him again? Why, he is my dog; you sold him to me, and at your own +price." + +"Yes," I said, "it is true--but I have to have him, because the man +wants him again." + +"What man?" + +"The man that owns him; he wasn't my dog." + +The General looked even more surprised than before, and for a moment he +couldn't seem to find his voice; then he said, + +"Do you mean to tell me that you were selling another man's dog--and +knew it?" + +"Yes, I knew it wasn't my dog." + +"Then why did you sell him?" + +I said, + +"Well, that is a curious question to ask. I sold him because you wanted +him. You offered to buy the dog; you can't deny that I was not anxious +to sell him--I had not even thought of selling him, but it seemed to me +that if it could be any accommodation to you--" + +He broke me off in the middle, and said, + +"_Accommodation_ to me? It is the most extraordinary spirit of +accommodation I have ever heard of--the idea of your selling a dog that +didn't belong to you--" + +I broke him off there, and said, + +"There is no relevancy about this kind of argument; you said yourself +that the dog was probably worth a hundred dollars, I only asked you +three; was there anything unfair about that? You offered to pay more, +you know you did. I only asked you three; you can't deny it." + +"Oh, what in the world has that to do with it! The crux of the matter is +that you didn't own the dog--can't you see that? You seem to think that +there is no impropriety in selling property that isn't yours provided +you sell it cheap. Now, then--" + +I said, + +"Please don't argue about it any more. You can't get around the fact +that the price was perfectly fair, perfectly reasonable--considering +that I didn't own the dog--and so arguing about it is only a waste of +words. I have to have him back again because the man wants him; don't +you see that I haven't any choice in the matter? Put yourself in my +place. Suppose you had sold a dog that didn't belong to you; suppose +you--" + +"Oh," he said, "don't muddle my brains any more with your idiotic +reasonings! Take him along, and give me a rest." + +So I paid back the three dollars and led the dog down-stairs and passed +him over to his owner, and collected three for my trouble. + +I went away then with a good conscience, because I had acted honorably; +I never could have used the three that I sold the dog for, because it +was not rightly my own, but the three I got for restoring him to his +rightful owner was righteously and properly mine, because I had earned +it. That man might never have gotten that dog back at all, if it hadn't +been for me. My principles have remained to this day what they were +then. I was always honest; I know I can never be otherwise. It is as I +said in the beginning--I was never able to persuade myself to use money +which I had acquired in questionable ways. + +Now, then, that is the tale. Some of it is true. + + MARK TWAIN. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Chapters from My Autobiography, by Mark Twain + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CHAPTERS FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY *** + +***** This file should be named 19987-8.txt or 19987-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/9/8/19987/ + +Produced by Betsie Bush, Chuck Greif, Martin Pettit, John +Greenman, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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