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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20177-8.txt b/20177-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..29a2836 --- /dev/null +++ b/20177-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4621 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, John Bull, by George Colman, et al + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: John Bull + The Englishman's Fireside: A Comedy, in Five Acts + + +Author: George Colman + + + +Release Date: December 23, 2006 [eBook #20177] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL*** + + +E-text prepared by Steven desJardins and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 20177-h.htm or 20177-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177/20177-h/20177-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177/20177-h.zip) + + +Transcriber's note: + + Typographical errors in the original 1807 edition + have been left uncorrected. + + + + + +JOHN BULL; + +Or, + +The Englishman's Fireside: +A Comedy, in Five Acts; + +by + +GEORGE COLMAN, THE YOUNGER. + +As Performed at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden. + +Printed Under the Authority of the Managers +from the Prompt Book. + +With Remarks by Mrs. Inchbald. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: JOHN BULL + +JOB THORNBERRY.--THERE--'TIS FIT IT SHOULD BE FILLED BY SOMEBODY. + +ACT V, SCENE II. + +PAINTED BY SINGLETON +PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN & CO. +ENGRAVED BY FITTLER] + + + + +London: +Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme, +Paternoster Row. + +William Savage, Printer, +London. + + + + +REMARKS. + + + "Yet be not blindly guided by the throng; + "The multitude is always in the wrong." + +Roscommon surely meets with a bold contradiction in this comedy--for +it was not only admired by the multitude, but the discerning few +approved of that admiration. + +The irresistible broad humour, which is the predominant quality of +this drama, is so exquisitely interspersed with touches of nature +more refined, with occasional flashes of wit, and with events so +interesting, that, if the production is not of that perfect kind +which the most rigid critic demands, he must still acknowledge it as +a bond, given under the author's own hand, that he can, if he +pleases, produce, in all its various branches, a complete comedy. + +The introduction of farces into the entertainments of the theatre +has been one cause of destroying that legitimate comedy, which such +critics require. The eye, which has been accustomed to delight in +paintings of caricature, regards a picture from real life as an +insipid work. The extravagance of farce has given to the Town a +taste for the pleasant convulsion of hearty laughter, and smiles are +contemned, as the tokens of insipid amusement. + +To know the temper of the times with accuracy, is one of the first +talents requisite to a dramatic author. The works of other authors +may be reconsidered a week, a month, or a year after a first +perusal, and regain their credit by an increase of judgment bestowed +upon their reader; but the dramatist, once brought before the +public, must please at first sight, or never be seen more. There is +no reconsideration in _his_ case--no judgment to expect beyond the +decree of the moment: and he must direct his force against the +weakness, as well as the strength, of his jury. He must address +their habits, passions, and prejudices, as the only means to gain +this sudden conquest of their minds and hearts. Such was the +author's success on the representation of "John Bull." The hearts +and minds of his auditors were captivated, and proved, to +demonstration, his skilful insight into human kind. + +Were other witnesses necessary to confirm this truth, the whole +dramatis personę might be summoned as evidence, in whose characters +human nature is powerfully described; and if, at times, too boldly +for a reader's sober fancy, most judiciously adapted to that spirit +which guides an audience. + +It would be tedious to enumerate the beauties of this play, for it +abounds with them. Its faults, in a moment, are numbered. + +The prudence and good sense of Job Thornberry are so palpably +deficient, in his having given to a little run-away, story-telling +boy (as it is proved, and he might have suspected) ten guineas, the +first earnings of his industry--that no one can wonder he becomes a +bankrupt, or pity him when he does. In the common course of +occurrences, ten guineas would redeem many a father of a family from +bitter misery, and plunge many a youth into utter ruin. Yet nothing +pleases an audience so much as a gift, let who will be the receiver. +They should be broken of this vague propensity to give; and be +taught, that charity without discrimination is a sensual enjoyment, +and, like all sensuality, ought to be restrained: but that charity +with discretion, is foremost amongst the virtues, and must not be +contaminated with heedless profusion.--Still the author has shown +such ingenuity in the event which arises from this incident, that +those persons, who despise the silly generosity of Thornberry, are +yet highly affected by the gratitude of Peregrine. + +This comedy would read much better, but not act half so well, if it +were all written in good English. It seems unreasonable to forbid an +author to take advantage of any actor's peculiar abilities that may +suit his convenience; and both Johnstone and Emery displayed +abilities of the very first rate in the two characters they +represented in "John Bull."--But to the author of "John Bull," whose +genius may be animated to still higher exertions in the pursuit of +fame, it may be said--Leave the distortion of language to men who +cannot embellish it like yourself--and to women. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONĘ. + + +PEREGRINE _Mr. Cooke._ +SIR SIMON ROCHDALE] _Mr. Blanchard._ +FRANK ROCHDALE _Mr. H. Johnston._ +WILLIAMS _Mr. Klanert._ +LORD FITZ-BALAAM _Mr. Waddy._ +HON. TOM SHUFFLETON _Mr. Lewis_ +JOB THORNBERRY _Mr. Fawcett._ +JOHN BUR _Mr. Atkins._ +DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY _Mr. Johnstone._ +DAN _Mr. Emery._ +MR. PENNYMAN _Mr. Davenport._ +JOHN _Mr. Abbot._ +ROBERT _Mr. Truman._ +SIMON _Mr. Beverly._ + +LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE _Mrs. H. Johnston._ +MRS. BRULGRUDDERY _Mrs. Davenport._ +MARY THORNBERRY _Mrs. Gibbs._ + + _SCENE,--Cornwall._ + + + + +JOHN BULL. + +ACT THE FIRST. + +SCENE I. + + + _A Public House on a Heath: over the Door the Sign of the Red + Cow;----and the Name of "DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY."_ + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY and DAN, from the House. DAN opening + the outward Shutters of the House._ + +_Dennis._ A pretty blustratious night we have had! and the sun peeps +through the fog this morning, like the copper pot in my +kitchen.--Devil a traveller do I see coming to the Red Cow. + +_Dan._ Na, measter!--nowt do pass by here, I do think, but the +carrion crows. + +_Dennis._ Dan;--think you, will I be ruin'd? + +_Dan._ Ees; past all condemption. We be the undonestest family in +all Cornwall. Your ale be as dead as my grandmother; mistress do set +by the fire, and sputter like an apple a-roasting; the pigs ha' +gotten the measles; I be grown thinner nor an old sixpence; and thee +hast drank up all the spirity liquors. + +_Dennis._ By my soul, I believe my setting up the Red Cow, a week +ago, was a bit of a Bull!--but that's no odds. Haven't I been +married these three months?--and who did I marry? + +_Dan._ Why, a waddling woman, wi' a mulberry feace. + +_Dennis._ Have done with your blarney, Mr. Dan. Think of the high +blood in her veins, you bog trotter. + +_Dan._ Ees; I always do, when I do look at her nose. + +_Dennis._ Never you mind Mrs. Brulgruddery's nose. Was'nt she fat +widow to Mr. Skinnygauge, the lean exciseman of Lestweithel? and +did'nt her uncle, who is fifteenth cousin to a Cornish Baronet, say +he'd leave her no money, if he ever happen'd to have any, because +she had disgraced her parentage, by marrying herself to a taxman? +Bathershan, man, and don't you think he'll help us out of the mud, +now her second husband is an Irish jontleman, bred and born? + +_Dan._ He, he! Thee be'st a rum gentleman. + +_Dennis._ Troth, and myself, Mr. Dennis Brulgruddery, was brought up +to the church. + +_Dan._ Why, zure! + +_Dennis._ You may say that, I open'd the pew doors, in Belfast. + +_Dan._ And what made 'em to turn thee out o'the treade? + +_Dennis._ I snored in sermon time. Dr. Snufflebags, the preacher, +said I woke the rest of the congregation. Arrah, Dan, don't I see a +tall customer stretching out his arms in the fog? + +_Dan._ Na; that be the road-post. + +_Dennis._ 'Faith, and so it is. Och! when I was turn'd out of my +snug birth at Belfast, the tears ran down my eighteen year old +cheeks, like buttermilk. + +_Dan._ Pshaw, man! nonsense! Thee'dst never get another livelihood +by crying. + +_Dennis._ Yes, I did; I cried oysters. Then I pluck'd up----what's +that? a customer! + +_Dan._ [_Looking out._] Na, a donkey. + +_Dennis._ Well, then I pluck'd up a parcel of my courage, and I +carried arms. + +_Dan._ Waunds! what, a musket? + +_Dennis._ No; a reaping hook. I cut my way half through England: +till a German learn'd me physic, at a fair in Devonshire. + +_Dan._ What, poticary's stuff? + +_Dennis._ I studied it in Doctor Von Quolchigronck's booth, at +Plympton. He cured the yellow glanders, and restored prolification +to families who wanted an heir. I was of mighty use to him as an +assistant. + +_Dan._ Were you indeed! + +_Dennis._ But, somehow, the doctor and I had a quarrel; so I gave +him something, and parted. + +_Dan._ And what didst thee give him, pray? + +_Dennis._ I gave him a black-eye; and set up for myself at +Lestweithel; where Mr. Skinnygauge, the exciseman, was in his +honeymoon.--Poor soul! he was my patient, and died one day: but his +widow had such a neat notion of my subscriptions, that in three +weeks, she was Mrs. Brulgruddery. + +_Dan._ He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money? + +_Dennis._ Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad +luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth +chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague. + +_Dan._ Why, that be this very house. + +_Dennis._ Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the +remainder of the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery: +laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the +goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption; +took a sarvingman---- + +_Dan._ That's I.--I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired +me. + +_Dennis._ And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer +since I have been a publican. + +_Dan._ See!--See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!--and a +coming this road. + +_Dennis._ Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he +may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him +there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow. + +_Dan._ I will--Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie. + +_Dennis._ And harkye:--say there's an accomplish'd landlord. + +_Dan._ Ees--and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that. + +_Dennis._ And, Dan;--sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that +has sour'd all the beer, you know. + +_Dan._ What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used +to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant +un! [_Exit._ + +_Dennis._ Wife!--I must tell her the joyful news--Mrs. Brulgruddery! +my dear!--Devil choak my dear!--she's as deaf as a trunk-maker--Mrs. +Brulgruddery! + + _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery? +What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd +like to know? + +_Dennis._ Mighty like a mile-stone--standing still, at this present +writing. + +_Mrs. Brul._ A pretty situation we are in truly! + +_Dennis._ Yes;--upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it. + +_Mrs. Brul._ And, where is the fortune I brought you? + +_Dennis._ All swallow'd up by the Red Cow. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have +been in such a quandary. + +_Dennis._ Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this +public house? + +_Mrs. Brul._ No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept +it. But, who advised you to drink out all the brandy? + +_Dennis._ No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears +into my eyes, as you do! [_Crying._ + +_Dennis._ I know that--I saw you at his funeral. + +_Mrs. Brul._ You're a monster! + +_Dennis._ Am I?--Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin. + +_Mrs. Brul._ You'll be the death of me; you know you will. + +_Dennis._ Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a +small morsel of consolation. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Consolation indeed! + +_Dennis._ Yes--There's a customer coming. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Brightening._] What! + +_Dennis._ A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath, +yonder. Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into +a fish basket. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I +knew how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it +was all by my advice you took the Red Cow. + +_Dennis._ Och ho! it was, was it? + +_Mrs. Brul._ I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I +hav'n't prophesied a customer to-day for nothing. + [_Goes into the House._ + +_Dennis._ Troth, and it's prophesying on the sure side, to foretell +a thing when it has happen'd. + + _Enter DAN, conducting PEREGRINE--PEREGRINE carrying a small + Trunk under his Arm._ + +_Pereg._ I am indifferent about accommodations. + +_Dan._ Our'n be a comfortable parlour, zur: you'll find it clean: +for I wash'd un down mysen, wringing wet, five minutes ago. + +_Pereg._ You have told me so, twenty times. + +_Dan._ This be the Red Cow, zur, as you may see by the pictur; and +here be measter--he'll treat ye in a hospital manner, zur, and show +you a deal o' contention. + +_Dennis._ I'll be bound, sir, you'll get good entertainment, whether +you are a man or a horse. + +_Pereg._ You may lodge me as either, friend. I can sleep as well in +a stable as a bedchamber; for travel has season'd me.--Since I have +preserved this [_Half aside, and pointing to the Trunk under his +Arm_], I can lay my head upon it with tranquility, and repose any +where. + +_Dennis._ 'Faith, it seems a mighty decent, hard bolster. What is it +stuff'd with, I wonder? + +_Pereg._ That which keeps the miser awake--money. + +_Dan._ Wauns! all that money! + +_Dennis._ I'd be proud, sir, to know your upholsterer--he should +make me a feather bed gratis of the same pretty materials. If that +was all my own, I'd sleep like a pig, though I'm married to Mrs. +Brulgruddery. + +_Pereg._ I shall sleep better, because it is not my own. + +_Dennis._ Your own's in a snugger place, then? safe from the sharks +of this dirty world, and be hang'd to 'em! + +_Pereg._ Except the purse in my pocket, 'tis, now, I fancy, in a +place most frequented by the sharks of this world. + +_Dennis._ London, I suppose? + +_Pereg._ The bottom of the sea. + +_Dennis._ By my soul, that's a watering place--and you'll find +sharks there, sure enough in all conscience. + + _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ What would you chuse to take, sir, after your walk this +raw morning? We have any thing you desire. + +_Dennis._ Yes, we have any thing. Any thing's nothing, they say. + [_Aside._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ Dan, bustle about; and see the room ready, and all +tidy; do you hear? + +_Dan._ I wull. + +_Mrs. Brul._ What would you like to drink, sir? + +_Pereg._ O, mine is an accommodating palate, hostess. I have +swallowed burgundy with the French, hollands with the Dutch, sherbet +with a Turk, sloe juice with an Englishman, and water with a simple +Gentoo. + +_Dan._ [_Going._] Dang me, but he's a rum customer! It's my opinion, +he'll take a fancy to our sour beer. [_Exit into the House_ + +_Pereg._ Is your house far from the sea-shore? + +_Mrs. Brul._ About three miles, sir. + +_Pereg._ So!--And I have wandered upon the heath four hours, before +day-break. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Lackaday! has any thing happened to you, sir? + +_Pereg._ Shipwreck--that's all. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Mercy on us! cast away? + +_Pereg._ On your coast, here. + +_Dennis._ Then, compliment apart, sir, you take a ducking as if you +had been used to it. + +_Pereg._ Life's a lottery, friend; and man should make up his mind +to the blanks. On what part of Cornwall am I thrown? + +_Mrs. Brul._ We are two miles from Penzance, sir. + +_Pereg._ Ha!--from Penzance!--that's lucky! + +_Mrs. Brul_ [_Aside to DENNIS._] Lucky!--Then he'll go on, without +drinking at our house. + +_Dennis._ A hem!--Sir, there has been a great big thunder storm at +Penzance, and all the beer in the town's as thick as mustard. + +_Pereg._ I feel chill'd--get me a glass of brandy. + +_Dennis._ Och, the devil! [_Aside._] Bring the brandy bottle for the +jontleman, my jewel. [_Aloud to his Wife._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart._] Dont you know you've emptied it, you sot, +you! + +_Dennis._ [_Apart._] Draw a mug of beer--I'll palaver him. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart, and going._] Ah! if you would but follow my +advice! [_Exit into the House._ + +_Dennis._ You see that woman that's gone sir,--she's my wife, poor +soul! She has but one misfortune, and that's a wapper. + +_Pereg._ What's that? + +_Dennis._ We had as a neat a big bottle of brandy, a week ago--and +damn the drop's left. But I say nothing--she's my wife, poor +creature! and she can tell who drank it. Would'nt you like a sup of +sour--I mean, of our strong beer? + +_Pereg._ Pshaw! no matter what. Tell me, is a person of the name of +Thornberry still living in Penzance? + +_Dennis._ Is it one Mr. Thornberry you are asking after? + +_Pereg._ Yes. When I first saw him (indeed, it was the first time +and the last), he had just begun to adventure humbly in trade. His +stock was very slender, but his neighbours accounted him a kindly +man--and I know they spoke the truth. Thirty years ago, after half +an hour's intercourse, which proved to me his benevolent nature, I +squeezed his hand, and parted. + +_Dennis._ Thirty years! 'Faith, after half an hour's dish of talk, +that's a reasonable long time to remember! + +_Pereg._ Not at all; for he did me a genuine service; and gratitude +writes the records in the heart, that, till it ceases to beat, they +may live in the memory. + + _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY, with a Mug of Beer._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart to DENNIS._] What have you said about the +brandy bottle? + +_Dennis._ [_Apart._] I told him you broke it, one day. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart._] Ah! I am always the shelter for your sins. + +_Dennis._ Hush!--[_To PERG._] You know, sir, I--hem!--I mention'd to +you poor Mrs. Brulgruddery's misfortune. + +_Pereg._ Ha, ha! you did indeed, friend. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I am very sorry, sir, but-- + +_Dennis._ Be asy, my lambkin! the jontleman excuses it. You are not +the first that has crack'd a bottle, you know.--Here's your beer, +sir. [_Taking it from his Wife._] I'm not of a blushing nation, or +I'd be shame-faced to give it him.--[_Aside._] My jewel, the +jontleman was asking after one Mr. Thornberry. + [_Delaying to give the Beer._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ What! old Job Thornberry of Penzance, sir? + +_Pereg._ The very same. You know him, then? + +_Mrs. Brul._ Very well, by hearsay, sir. He has lived there upwards +of thirty years. A very thriving man now, and well to do in the +world;--as others might be, too, if they would but follow my advice. + [_To DENNIS._ + +_Pereg._ I rejoice to hear it. Give me the beer, Landlord; I'll +drink his health in humble malt, then hasten to visit him. + +_Dennis. [Aside._] By St. Patrick, then, you'll make wry faces on +the road. [_Gives him the mug._ + + [_As PEREGRINE is about to drink, a Shriek + is heard at a small Distance._ + +_Pereg._ Ha! the voice of a female in distress? Then 'tis a man's +business to fly to her protection. + [_Dashes the Mug on the Ground. Exit._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ Wheugh! what a whirligigg! Why, Dennis, the man's mad! + +_Dennis._ I think that thing. + +_Mrs. Brul._ He has thrown down all the beer, before he tasted a +drop. + +_Dennis._ That's it: if he had chuck'd it away afterwards, I +shou'dn't have wonder'd. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Here he comes again;--and, I declare, with a young +woman leaning on his shoulder. + +_Dennis._ A young woman! let me have a bit of a peep. [_Looking +out._] Och, the crater! Och, the-- + +_Mrs. Brul._ Heyday! I should'n't have thought of your peeping after +a young woman, indeed! + +_Dennis._ Be asy, Mrs. Brulgruddery! it's a way we have in +Ireland.--There's a face! + +_Mrs. Brul._ Well, and hav'n't I a face, pray? + +_Dennis._ That you have, my lambkin! You have had one these fifty +years, I'll bound for you. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Fifty years! you are the greatest brute that ever dug +potatoes. + + _Re-enter PEREGRINE, supporting MARY._ + +_Pereg._ This way. Cheer your spirits; the ruffian with whom I saw +you struggling, has fled across the Heath; but his speed prevented +my saving your property. Was your money, too, in the parcel with +your clothes? + +_Mary._ All I possessed in the world, sir;--and he has so +frighten'd me!--Indeed. I thank you, sir; indeed I do! + +_Pereg._ Come, come, compose yourself. Whither are you going, pretty +one? + +_Mary._ I must not tell, sir. + +_Pereg._ Then whither do you come from? + +_Mary._ No body must know, sir. + +_Pereg._ Umph! Then your proceedings, child, are a secret? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Pereg._ Yet you appear to need a friend to direct them. A heath is +a rare place to find one: in the absence of a better, confide in me. + +_Mary._ You forget that you are a stranger, sir. + +_Pereg._ I always do--when the defenceless want my assistance. + +_Mary._ But, perhaps you might betray me, sir. + +_Pereg._ Never--by the honour of a man! + +_Mary._ Pray don't swear by that, sir! for, then, you'll betray me, +I'm certain. + +_Pereg._ Have you ever suffered from treachery, then, poor +innocence? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Pereg._ And may not one of your own sex have been treacherous to +you? + +_Mary._ No, sir; I'm very sure he was a man. + +_Dennis._ Oh, the blackguard! + +_Mrs. Brul._ Hold your tongue, do! + +_Pereg._ Listen to me, child. I would proffer you friendship, for +your own sake--for the sake of benevolence. When ages, indeed, are +nearly equal, nature is prone to breathe so warmly on the blossoms +of a friendship between the sexes, that the fruit is desire; but +time, fair one, is scattering snow on my temples, while Hebe waves +her freshest ringlets over yours. Rely, then, on one who has +numbered years sufficient to correct his passions; who has +encountered difficulties enough to teach him sympathy; and who would +stretch forth his hand to a wandering female, and shelter her like a +father. + +_Mary._ Oh, sir! I do want protection sadly indeed! I am very +miserable! [_Weeping._ + +_Pereg._ Come, do not droop. The cause of your distress, perhaps, is +trifling; but, light gales of adversity will make women weep. A +woman's tear falls like the dew that zephyrs shake from roses.--Nay, +confide in me. + +_Mary._ I will, sir; but---- [_Looking round._ + +_Pereg._ Leave us a little, honest friends. + +_Dennis._ A hem!--Come, Mrs. Brulgruddery! let you and I pair off, +my lambkin! + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Going._] Ah! she's no better than she should be, I'll +warrant her. + +_Dennis._ By the powers, she's well enough though, for all that. + [_Exeunt DENNIS and MRS. BRUL. into the House._ + +_Pereg._ Now, sweet one, your name? + +_Mary._ Mary, sir. + +_Pereg._ What else? + +_Mary._ Don't ask me that, sir: my poor father might be sorry it was +mentioned, now. + +_Pereg._ Have you quitted your father, then? + +_Mary._ I left his house at day-break, this morning, sir. + +_Pereg._ What is he? + +_Mary._ A tradesman in the neighbouring town, sir. + +_Pereg._ Is he aware of your departure? + +_Mary._ No, sir, + +_Pereg._ And your mother--? + +_Mary._ I was very little, when she died, sir. + +_Pereg._ Has your father, since her death, treated you with cruelty? + +_Mary._ He? Oh, bless him! no! he is the kindest father that ever +breathed, sir. + +_Pereg._ How must such a father be agonized by the loss of his +child! + +_Mary._ Pray, sir, don't talk of that! + +_Pereg._ Why did you fly from him? + +_Mary._ Sir, I----I----but that's my story, sir. + +_Pereg._ Relate it, then. + +_Mary._ Yes, sir.--You must know, then, sir, that--there was a young +gentleman in this neighbourhood, that--O dear, sir, I'm quite +ashamed! + +_Pereg._ Come, child, I will relieve you from the embarrassment of +narration, and sum up your history in one word;--love. + +_Mary._ That's the beginning of it, sir; but a great deal happen'd +afterwards. + +_Pereg._ And who is the hero of your story, my poor girl? + +_Mary._ The hero of----? O, I understand--he is much above me in +fortune, sir. To be sure, I should have thought of that, before he +got such power over my heart, to make me so wretched, now he has +deserted me. + +_Pereg._ He would have thought of that, had his own heart been +generous. + +_Mary._ He is reckon'd very generous, sir; he can afford to be so. +When the old gentleman dies, he will have all the great family +estate. I am going to the house, now, sir. + +_Pereg._ For what purpose? + +_Mary._ To try if I can see him for the last time, sir: to tell him +I shall always pray for his happiness, when I am far away from a +place which he has made it misery for me to abide in;--and to beg +him to give me a little supply of money, now I am pennyless, and +from home, to help me to London; where I may get into service, and +nobody will know me. + +_Pereg._ And what are his reasons, child, for thus deserting you? + +_Mary._ He sent me his reasons, by letter, yesterday, sir. He is to +be married next week, to a lady of high fortune. His father, he +says, insists upon it. I know I am born below him; but after the +oaths we plighted, Heaven knows, the news was a sad, sad shock to +me! I did not close my eyes last night; my poor brain was burning; +and, as soon as day broke, I left the house of my dear father, whom +I should tremble to look at, when he discover'd my story;--which I +could not long conceal from him. + +_Pereg._ Poor, lovely, heart-bruised wanderer! O wealthy despoilers +of humble innocence! splendid murderers of virtue; who make your +vice your boast, and fancy female ruin a feather in your caps of +vanity--single out a victim you have abandoned, and, in your hours +of death, contemplate her!--view her, care-worn, friendless, +pennyless;--hear her tale of sorrows, fraught with her remorse,--her +want,--a hard world's scoffs, her parents' anguish;--then, if ye +dare, look inward upon your own bosoms; and if they be not +conscience proof what must be your compunctions!--Who is his father, +child? + +_Mary._ Sir Simon Rochdale, sir, of the Manor-house, hard by. + +_Pereg._ [_Surprised._] Indeed! + +_Mary._ Perhaps you know him, sir? + +_Pereg._ I have heard of him;--and, on your account, shall visit +him. + +_Mary._ Oh, pray, sir, take care what you do! if you should bring +his son into trouble, by mentioning me, I should never, never +forgive myself. + +_Pereg._ Trust to my caution.--Promise only to remain at this house, +till I return from a business which calls me, immediately, two miles +hence; I will hurry back to pursue measures for your welfare, with +more hope of success, than your own weak means, poor simplicity, +are likely to effect. What say you? + +_Mary._ I hardly know what to say, sir--you seem good,--and I am +little able to help myself. + +_Pereg._ You consent, then? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Pereg._ [_Calling._] Landlord! + + _Enter DENNIS, from the Door of the House--MRS. + BRULGRUDDERY following._ + +_Dennis._ Did you call, sir?--Arrah, now, Mrs. Brulgruddery, you are +peeping after the young woman yourself. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I chuse it. + +_Pereg._ Prepare your room, good folks; and get the best +accommodation you can for this young person. + +_Dennis._ That I will, with all my heart and soul, sir. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Sulkily._] I don't know that we have any room at all, +for my part. + +_Dennis._ Whew! She's in her tantrums. + +_Mrs. Brul._ People of repute can't let in young women (found upon a +heath, forsooth), without knowing who's who. I have learn'd the ways +of the world, sir. + +_Pereg._ So it seems:--which too often teach you to over-rate the +little good you can do in it: and to shut the door when the +distressed entreat you to throw it open. But I have learnt the ways +of the world too. [_Taking out his Purse._] I shall return in a few +hours. Provide all the comforts you can; and here are a couple of +guineas, to send for any refreshments you have not in the house. + [_Giving Money._ + +_Dennis._ Mighty pretty handsel for the Red Cow, my lambkin! + +_Mrs. Brul._ A couple of guineas! Lord, sir! if I thought you had +been such a gentleman!--Pray, miss, walk in! your poor dear, little +feet must be quite wet with our nasty roads. I beg pardon, sir; but +character's every thing in our business; and I never lose sight of +my own credit. + +_Dennis._ That you don't--till you see other people's ready money. + +_Pereg._ Go in, child. I shall soon be with you again. + +_Mary._ You _will_ return, then, sir? + +_Pereg._ Speedily. Rely on me. + +_Mary._ I shall, sir;--I am sure I may. Heaven bless you, sir! + +_Mrs. Brul._ This way, miss; this way! [_Courtesying._ + [_Exeunt MARY and LANDLADY, into the House._ + +_Dennis._ Long life to your honour, for protecting the petticoats! +sweet creatures! I'd like to protect them myself, by bushels. + +_Pereg._ Can you get me a guide, friend, to conduct me to Penzance? + +_Dennis._ Get you a guide! There's Dan, my servant, shall skip +before you over the bogs, like a grasshopper. Oh, by the powers! my +heart's full to see your generosity, and I owe you a favour in +return:--never you call for any of my beer, till I get a fresh tap. + [_Exit into the House._ + +_Pereg._ Now for my friend, Thornberry; then hither again, to +interest myself in the cause of this unfortunate: for which many +would call me Quixote; many would cant out "shame!" but I care not +for the stoics, nor the puritans. Genuine nature and unsophisticated +morality, that turn disgusted from the rooted adepts in vice, have +ever a reclaiming tear to shed on the children of error. Then, let +the sterner virtues, that allow no plea for human frailty, stalk on +to paradise without me! The mild associate of my journey thither +shall be charity:--and my pilgrimage to the shrine of mercy will +not, I trust, be worse performed for having aided the weak, on my +way, who have stumbled in their progress. + + _Enter DAN, from the House._ + +_Dan._ I be ready, zur. + +_Pereg._ For what, friend? + +_Dan._ Measter says you be a-going to Penzance; if you be agreeable, +I'll keep you company. + +_Pereg._ Oh--the guide. You belong to the house? + +_Dan._ Ees, zur; Ise enow to do: I be head waiter and hostler:--only +we never have no horses, nor customers. + +_Pereg._ The path I fancy, is difficult to find. Do you never +deviate? + +_Dan._ Na, zur,--I always whistles. + +_Pereg._ Come on, friend.--It seems a dreary rout: but how cheerily +the eye glances over a sterile tract, when the habitation of a +benefactor, whom we are approaching to requite, lies in the +perspective! [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE SECOND. + +SCENE I. + + + _A Library in the House of SIR SIMON ROCHDALE; Books + scattered on a Writing Table._ + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._ + +_Shuff._ No body up yet? I thought so. + + _Enter SERVANT._ + +Ah, John, is it you? How d'ye do, John? + +_John._ Thank your honour, I---- + +_Shuff._ Yes, you look so. Sir Simon Rochdale in bed? Mr. Rochdale +not risen? Well! no matter; I have travelled all night, though, to +be with them. How are they? + +_John._ Sir, they are both---- + +_Shuff._ I'm glad to hear it. Pay the postboy for me. + +_John._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, sir; but when your honour last left +us---- + +_Shuff._ Owed you three pound five. I remember: have you down in my +memorandums--Honourable Tom Shuffleton debtor to---- What's your +name? + +_John._ My christian name, sir, is---- + +_Shuff._ Muggins--I recollect. Pay the postboy, Muggins. And, +harkye, take particular care of the chaise: I borrowed it of my +friend, Bobby Fungus, who sprang up a peer, in the last bundle of +Barons: if a single knob is knocked out of his new coronets, he'll +make me a sharper speech than ever he'll produce in parliament. And, +John! + +_John._ Sir! + +_Shuff._ What was I going to say? + +_John._ Indeed, sir, I can't tell. + +_Shuff._ No more can I. 'Tis the fashion to be absent--that's the +way I forgot your little bill. There, run along. [_Exit JOHN._] I've +the whirl of Bobby's chaise in my head still. Cursed fatiguing, +posting all night, through Cornish roads, to obey the summons of +friendship! Convenient, in some respects, for all that. If all +loungers, of slender revenues, like mine, could command a constant +succession of invitations, from men of estates in the country, how +amazingly it would tend to the thinning of Bond Street! [_Throws +himself into a Chair near the Writing Table._] Let me see--what has +Sir Simon been reading?--"Burn's Justice"--true; the old man's +reckoned the ablest magistrate in the county. he hasn't cut open the +leaves, I see. "Chesterfield's Letters"--pooh! his system of +education is extinct: Belcher and the Butcher have superseded it. +"Clarendon's History of----." + + _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE._ + +_Sir Simon._ Ah, my dear Tom Shuffleton! + +_Shuff._ Baronet! how are you? + +_Sir Simon._ Such expedition is kind now! You got my letter at Bath, +and---- + +_Shuff._ Saw it was pressing:--here I am. Cut all my engagements for +you, and came off like a shot. + +_Sir Simon._ Thank you: thank you, heartily! + +_Shuff._ Left every thing at sixes and sevens. + +_Sir Simon._ Gad, I'm sorry if---- + +_Shuff._ Don't apologize;--nobody does, now. Left all my bills, in +the place, unpaid. + +_Sir Simon._ Bless me! I've made it monstrous inconvenient! + +_Shuff._ Not a bit--I give you my honour, I did'nt find it +inconvenient at all. How is Frank Rochdale? + +_Sir Simon._ Why, my son is'nt up yet; and before he's stirring, do +let me talk to you, my dear Tom Shuffleton! I have something near my +heart, that-- + +_Shuff._ Don't talk about your heart, Baronet;--feeling's quite out +of fashion. + +_Sir Simon._ Well, then, I'm interested in---- + +_Shuff._ Aye, stick to that. We make a joke of the heart, +now-a-days; but when a man mentions his interest, we know he's in +earnest. + +_Sir Simon._ Zounds! I am in earnest. Let me speak, and call my +motives what you will. + +_Shuff._ Speak--but don't be in a passion. We are always cool at the +clubs: the constant habit of ruining one another, teaches us temper. +Explain. + +_Sir Simon._ Well, I will. You know, my dear Tom, how much I admire +your proficiency in the New school of breeding;--you are, what I +call, one of the highest finished fellows of the present day. + +_Shuff._ Psha! Baronet; you flatter. + +_Sir Simon._ No, I don't; only in extolling the merits of the newest +fashion'd manners and morals, I am sometimes puzzled, by the plain +gentlemen, who listen to me, here in the country, most consumedly. + +_Shuff._ I don't doubt it. + +_Sir Simon._ Why, 'twas but t'other morning, I was haranguing old +Sir Noah Starchington, in my library, and explaining to him the +shining qualities of a dasher, of the year eighteen hundred and +three; and what do you think he did? + +_Shuff._ Fell asleep. + +_Sir Simon._ No; he pull'd down an English dictionary; when (if +you'll believe me! he found my definition of stylish living, under +the word "insolvency;" a fighting crop turn'd out a "dock'd bull +dog;" and modern gallantry, "adultery and seduction." + +_Shuff._ Noah Starchington is a damn'd old twaddler.--But the fact +is, Baronet, we improve. We have voted many qualities to be virtues, +now, that they never thought of calling virtues formerly. The rising +generation wants a new dictionary, damnably. + +_Sir Simon._ Deplorably, indeed! You can't think, my dear Tom, what +a scurvy figure you, and the dashing fellows of your kidney, make in +the old ones. But you have great influence over my son Frank; and +want you to exert it. You are his intimate--you come here, and pass +two or three months at a time, you know. + +_Shuff._ Yes--this is a pleasant house. + +_Sir Simon._ You ride his horses, as if they were your own. + +_Shuff._ Yes--he keeps a good stable. + +_Sir Simon._ You drink our claret with him, till his head aches. + +_Shuff._ Your's is famous claret, Baronet. + +_Sir Simon._ You worm out his secrets: you win his money; you----. +In short, you are---- + +_Shuff._ His friend, according to the next new dictionary. That's +what you mean, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Exactly.--But, let me explain. Frank, if he doesn't +play the fool, and spoil all, is going to be married. + +_Shuff._ To how much? + +_Sir Simon._ Damn it, now, how like a modern man of the world that +is! Formerly they would have asked to who. + +_Shuff._ We never do, now;--fortune's every thing. We say, "a good +match," at the west end of the town, as they say "a good man," in +the city;--the phrase refers merely to money. Is she rich? + +_Sir Simon._ Four thousand a-year. + +_Shuff._ What a devilish desirable woman! Frank's a happy dog! + +_Sir Simon._ He's a miserable puppy. He has no more notion, my dear +Tom, of a modern "good match," than Eve had of pin money. + +_Shuff._ What are his objections to it? + +_Sir Simon._ I have smoked him; but he doesn't know that;--a silly, +sly amour, in another quarter. + +_Shuff._ An amour! That's a very unfashionable reason for declining +matrimony. + +_Sir Simon._ You know his romantic flights. The blockhead, I +believe, is so attach'd, I shou'dn't wonder if he flew off at a +tangent, and married the girl that has bewitch'd him. + +_Shuff._ Who is she? + +_Sir Simon._ She--hem!--she lives with her father, in Penzance. + +_Shuff._ And who is he? + +_Sir Simon._ He----upon my soul I'm asham'd to tell you. + +_Shuff._ Don't be asham'd; we never blush at any thing, in the New +School. + +_Sir Simon._ Damn me, my dear Tom, if he isn't a brazier! + +_Shuff._ The devil! + +_Sir Simon._ A dealer in kitchen candlesticks, coal skuttles, +coppers, and cauldrons. + +_Shuff._ And is the girl pretty? + +_Sir Simon._ So they tell me;--a plump little devil, as round as a +tea kettle. + +_Shuff._ I'll be after the brazier's daughter, to-morrow. + +_Sir Simon._ But you have weight with him. Talk to him, my dear +Tom--reason with him; try your power, Tom, do! + +_Shuff._ I don't much like plotting with the father against the +son--that's reversing the New School, Baronet. + +_Sir Simon._ But it will serve Frank: it will serve me, who wish to +serve you. And to prove that I do wish it, I have been keeping +something in embryo for you, my dear Tom Shuffleton, against your +arrival. + +_Shuff._ For me? + +_Sir Simon._ When you were last leaving us, if you recollect, you +mention'd, in a kind of a way, a--a sort of an intention of a loan, +of an odd five hundred pounds. + +_Shuff._ Did I? I believe I might.--When I intend to raise money, I +always give my friends the preference. + +_Sir Simon._ I told you I was out of cash then, I remember. + +_Shuff._ Yes: that's just what I told you, I remember. + +_Sir Simon._ I have the sum floating by me, now, and much at your +service. [_Presenting it._ + +_Shuff._ Why, as it's lying idle, Baronet, I--I--don't much care if +I employ it. [_Taking it._ + +_Sir Simon._ Use your interest with Frank, now. + +_Shuff._ Rely on me.--Shall I give you my note? + +_Sir Simon._ No, my dear Tom, that's an unnecessary trouble. + +_Shuff._ Why that's true--with one who knows me so well as you. + +_Sir Simon._ Your verbal promise to pay, is quite as good. + +_Shuff._ I'll see if Frank's stirring. [_Going._ + +_Sir Simon._ And I must talk to my steward. [_Going._ + +_Shuff._ Baronet! + +_Sir Simon._ [_Returning._] Eh? + +_Shuff._ Pray, do you employ the phrase, "verbal promise to pay," +according to the reading of old dictionaries, or as it's the fashion +to use it at present. + +_Sir Simon._ Oh, damn it, chuse your own reading, and I'm content. + [_Exeunt severally._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _A Dressing Room._ + + _FRANK ROCHDALE writing; WILLIAMS attending._ + +_Frank._ [_Throwing down the Pen._] It don't signify--I cannot +write. I blot, and tear; and tear, and blot; and----. Come here, +Williams. Do let me hear you, once more. Why the devil don't you +come here? + +_Williams._ I am here, sir. + +_Frank._ Well, well; my good fellow, tell me. You found means to +deliver her the letter yesterday? + +_Williams._ Yes, sir. + +_Frank._ And, she read it----and----did you say, she--she was very +much affected, when she read it? + +_Williams._ I told you last night, sir;--she look'd quite death +struck, as I may say. + +_Frank._ [_Much affected._] Did----did she weep, Williams? + +_Williams._ No, sir; but I did afterwards--I don't know what ail'd +me; but, when I got out of the house, into the street, I'll be +hang'd if I did'nt cry like a child. + +_Frank._ You are an honest fellow, Williams. [_A Knock at the Door +of the Room._] See who is at the door. [_WILLIAMS opens the Door._ + + _Enter JOHN._ + +_Williams._ Well, what's the matter? + +_John._ There's a man in the porter's lodge, says he won't go away +without speaking to Mr. Francis. + +_Frank._ See who it is, Williams. Send him to me, if necessary; but +don't let me be teased, without occasion. + +_Williams._ I'll take care, sir. [_Exeunt WILLIAMS and JOHN._ + +_Frank._ Must I marry this woman, whom my father has chosen for me; +whom I expect here to-morrow? And must I, then, be told 'tis +criminal to love my poor, deserted Mary, because our hearts are +illicitly attach'd? Illicit for the heart? fine phraseology! Nature +disowns the restriction; I cannot smother her dictates with the +polity of governments, and fall in, or out of love, as the law +directs. + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY._ + +Well, friend, who do you come from? + +_Dennis._ I come from the Red Cow, sir. + +_Frank._ The Red Cow? + +_Dennis._ Yes, sir!--upon Muckslush Heath--hard by your honour's +father's house, here. I'd be proud of your custom, sir, and all the +good looking family's. + +_Frank._ [_Impatiently._] Well, well, your business? + +_Dennis._ That's what the porter ax'd me, "Tell me your business, +honest man," says he--"I'll see you damn'd first, sir," says +I:--"I'll tell it your betters;--and that's Mr. Francis Rochdale, +Esquire." + +_Frank._ Zounds! then, why don't you tell it? I am Mr. Francis +Rochdale.--Who the devil sent you here? + +_Dennis._ Troth, sir, it was good nature whisper'd me to come to +your honour: but I believe I've disremembered her directions, for +damn the bit do you seem acquainted with her. + +_Frank._ Well, my good friend, I don't mean to be violent; only be +so good as to explain your business. + +_Dennis._ Oh, with all the pleasure in life.--Give me good words, +and I'm as aisy as an ould glove: but bite my nose off with mustard, +and have at you with pepper,--that's my way.--There's a little +crature at my house;--she's crying her eyes out;--and she won't get +such another pair at the Red Cow; for I've left nobody with her but +Mrs. Brulgruddery. + +_Frank._ With her? with who? Who are you talking off? + +_Dennis._ I'd like to know her name myself, sir;--but I have heard +but half of it;--and that's Mary. + +_Frank._ Mary!--Can it be she?--Wandering on a heath! seeking refuge +in a wretched hovel! + +_Dennis._ A hovel! O fie for shame of yourself, to misbecall a +genteel tavern! I'd have you to know my parlour is clean sanded once +a week. + +_Frank._ Tell me, directly--what brought her to your house? + +_Dennis._ By my soul, it was Adam's own carriage: a ten-toed machine +the haymakers keep in Ireland. + +_Frank._ Damn it, fellow, don't trifle, but tell your story; and, if +you can, intelligibly. + +_Dennis._ Don't be bothering my brains, then, or you'll get it as +clear as mud. Sure the young crature can't fly away from the Red +Cow, while I'm explaining to you the rights on't--Didn't she +promise the gentleman to stay till he came back? + +_Frank._ Promised a gentleman!--Who?--who is the gentleman? + +_Dennis._ Arrah, now, where did you larn manners? Would you ax a +customer his birth, parentage, and education? "Heaven bless you, +sir, you'll come back again?" says she--"That's what I will, before +you can say, parsnips, my darling," says he. + +_Frank._ Damnation! what does this mean?--explain your errand, +clearly, you scoundrel, or-- + +_Dennis._ Scoundrel!--Don't be after affronting a housekeeper. +Havn't I a sign at my door, three pigs, a wife, and a man sarvant? + +_Frank._ Well, go on. + +_Dennis._ Damn the word more will I tell you. + +_Frank._ Why, you infernal---- + +_Dennis._ Oh, be asy!--see what you get, now, by affronting Mr. +Dennis Brulgruddery. [_Searching his Pockets._] I'd have talk'd for +an hour, if you had kept a civil tongue in your head!--but now, you +may read the letter. [_Giving it._ + +_Frank._ A letter!--stupid booby!--why didn't you give it to me at +first?--Yes, it is her hand. [_Opens the Letter._ + +_Dennis._ Stupid!--If you're so fond of letters, you might larn to +behave yourself to the postman. + +_Frank._ [_Reading and agitated._]--_Not going to upbraid +you--Couldn't rest at my father's--Trifling assistance_--Oh, Heaven! +does she then want assistance?--_The gentleman who has befriended +me_--damnation!--the gentleman!--_Your unhappy Mary._--Scoundrel +that I am!--what is she suffering!--but who, who is this +gentleman?--no matter--she is distress'd, heart breaking! and I, who +have been the cause;--I, who----here----[_Running to a Writing +Table, and opening a Drawer_] Run--fly--despatch!-- + +_Dennis._ He's mad! + +_Frank._ Say, I will be at your house, myself--remember, positively +come, or send, in the course of the day.--In the mean time, take +this, and give it to the person who sent you. + + _Giving a Purse, which he has taken from the Drawer._ + +_Dennis._ A purse!--'faith, and I'll take it.--Do you know how much +is in the inside? + +_Frank._ Psha! no.--No matter. + +_Dennis._ Troth, now, if I'd trusted a great big purse to a +stranger, they'd have call'd it a bit of a bull:--but let you and I +count it out between us, [_Pouring the Money on the Table._] for, +damn him, say I, who would cheat a poor girl in distress, of the +value of a rap.--One, two, three, &c. [_Counting._ + +_Frank._ Worthy, honest fellow! + +_Dennis._ Eleven, twelve, thirteen-- + +_Frank._ I'll be the making of your house, my good fellow. + +_Dennis._ Damn the Red Cow, sir,--you put me out.--Seventeen, +eighteen, nineteen.--Nineteen fat yellow boys, and a seven shilling +piece.--Tell them yourself, sir; then chalk them up over the +chimney-piece, else you'll forget, you know. + +_Frank._ O, friend, when honesty, so palpably natural as yours, +keeps the account, I care not for my arithmetic.--Fly now,--bid the +servants give you any refreshment you chuse; then hasten to execute +your commission. + +_Dennis._ Thank your honour!--good luck to you! I'll taste the +beer;--but, by my soul, if the butler comes the Red Cow over me, +I'll tell him, I know sweet from sour. _Exit DENNIS._ + +_Frank._ Let me read her letter once more. [_Reads._ + +_I am not going to upbraid you; but after I got your letter, I could +not rest at my father's, where I once knew happiness and +innocence.--I wish'd to have taken a last leave of you, and to beg a +trifling assistance;--but the gentleman who has befriended me in my +wanderings, would not suffer me to do so; yet I could not help +writing, to tell you, I am quitting this neighbourhood for +ever!--That you may never know a moment's sorrow, will always be the +prayer of_ + _Your unhappy_ + MARY. + +My mind is hell to me! love, sorrow, remorse, and--yes--and +jealousy, all distract me:--and no counsellor to advise with; no +friend to whom I may-- + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._ + +_Frank._ Tom Shuffleton! you never arrived more apropos in your +life. + +_Shuff._ That's what the women always say to me. I've rumbled on the +road, all night, Frank. My bones ache, my head's muzzy--and we'll +drink two bottles of claret a-piece, after dinner, to enliven us. + +_Frank._ You seem in spirits, Tom, I think, now. + +_Shuff._ Yes;--I have had a windfall--Five hundred pounds. + +_Frank._ A legacy? + +_Shuff._ No.--The patient survives who was sick of his money. 'Tis a +loan from a friend. + +_Frank._ 'Twould be a pity, then, Tom, if the patient experienced +improper treatment. + +_Shuff._ Why, that's true:--but his case is so rare, that it isn't +well understood, I believe. Curse me, my dear Frank, if the disease +of lending is epidemic. + +_Frank._ But the disease of trying to borrow, my dear Tom, I am +afraid, is. + +_Shuff._ Very prevalent, indeed, at the west end of the town. + +_Frank._ And as dangerous, Tom, as the small-pox. They should +inoculate for it. + +_Shuff._ That wouldn't be a bad scheme; but I took it naturally. +Psha! damn it, don't shake your head. Mine's but a mere _faēon de +parler_: just as we talk to one another about our coats:--we never +say, "Who's your tailor?" We always ask, "Who suffers?" Your father +tells me you are going to be married; I give you joy. + +_Frank._ Joy! I have known nothing but torment, and misery, since +this cursed marriage has been in agitation. + +_Shuff._ Umph! Marriage was a weighty affair, formerly; so was a +family coach;--but domestic duties, now, are like town +chariots;--they must be made light, to be fashionable. + +_Frank._ Oh, do not trifle. By acceding to this match, in obedience +to my father, I leave to all the pangs of remorse, and disappointed +love, a helpless, humble girl, and rend the fibres of a generous, +but too credulous heart, by cancelling like a villain, the oaths +with which I won it. + +_Shuff._ I understand:--A snug thing in the country.--Your wife, +they tell me, will have four thousand a year. + +_Frank._ What has that to do with sentiment? + +_Shuff._ I don't know what you may think; but, if a man said to me, +plump, "Sir, I am very fond of four thousand a year;" I should +say,--"Sir, I applaud your sentiment very highly." + +_Frank._ But how does he act, who offers his hand to one woman, at +the very moment his heart is engaged to another? + +_Shuff._ He offers a great sacrifice. + +_Frank._ And where is the reparation to the unfortunate he has +deserted? + +_Shuff._ An annuity.--A great many unfortunates sport a stylish +carriage, up and down St. James's street, upon such a provision. + +_Frank._ An annuity, flowing from the fortune, I suppose, of the +woman I marry! is that delicate? + +_Shuff._ 'Tis convenient. We liquidate debts of play, and usury, +from the same resources. + +_Frank._ And call a crowd of jews and gentlemen gamesters together, +to be settled with, during the debtor's honeymoon! + +_Shuff._ No, damn it, it wouldn't be fair to jumble the jews into +the same room with our gaming acquaintance. + +_Frank._ Why so? + +_Shuff._ Because, twenty to one, the first half of the creditors +would begin dunning the other. + +_Frank._ Nay, far once in your life be serious. Read this, which has +wrung my heart, and repose it, as a secret, in your own. + [_Giving the Letter._ + +_Shuff._ [_Glancing over it._] A pretty, little, crowquill kind of a +hand.--_"Happiness,--innocence,--trifling assistance--gentleman +befriended me--unhappy Mary."_--Yes, I see--[_Returning it._]--She +wants money, but has got a new friend.--The style's neat, but the +subject isn't original. + +_Frank._ Will you serve me at this crisis? + +_Shuff._ Certainly. + +_Frank._ I wish you to see my poor Mary in the course of the day. +Will you talk to her? + +_Shuff._ O yes--I'll talk to her. Where is she to be seen? + +_Frank._ She writes, you see, that she has abruptly left her +father--and I learn, by the messenger, that she is now in a +miserable, retired house, on the neighbouring heath.--That mustn't +deter you from going. + +_Shuff._ Me? Oh, dear no--I'm used to it. I don't care how retired +the house is. + +_Frank._ Come down to my father to breakfast. I will tell you +afterwards all I wish you to execute.--Oh, Tom! this business has +unhinged me for society. Rigid morality, after all, is the best coat +of mail for the conscience. + +_Shuff._ Our ancestors, who wore mail, admired it amazingly; but to +mix in the gay world, with their rigid morality, would be as +singular as stalking into a drawing-room in their armour:--for +dissipation is now the fashionable habit, with which, like a brown +coat, a man goes into company, to avoid being stared at. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE III. + + + _An Apartment in JOB THORNBERRY'S House._ + + _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, in a Night Gown, and BUR._ + +_Bur._ Don't take on so--don't you, now! pray, listen to reason. + +_Job._ I won't. + +_Bur._ Pray do! + +_Job._ I won't. Reason bid me love my child, and help my +friend:--what's the consequence? my friend has run one way, and +broke up my trade; my daughter has run another, and broke my----No, +she shall never have it to say she broke my heart. If I hang myself +for grief, she shan't know she made me. + +_Bur._ Well, but, master-- + +_Job._ And reason told me to take you into my shop, when the fat +church wardens starved you at the workhouse,--damn their want of +feeling for it!--and you were thump'd about, a poor, unoffending, +ragged-rump'd boy, as you were--I wonder you hav'n't run away from +me too. + +_Bur._ That's the first real unkind word you ever said to me. I've +sprinkled your shop two-and-twenty years, and never miss'd a +morning. + +_Job._ The bailiffs are below, clearing the goods: you won't have +the trouble any longer. + +_Bur._ Trouble! Lookye, old Job Thornberry-- + +_Job._ Well! What, you are going to be saucy to me, now I'm ruin'd? + +_Bur._ Don't say one cutting thing after another.--You have been as +noted, all round our town, for being a kind man, as being a blunt +one. + +_Job._ Blunt or sharp, I've been honest. Let them look at my +ledger--they'll find it right. I began upon a little; I made that +little great, by industry; I never cringed to a customer, to get him +into my books, that I might hamper him with an overcharged bill, for +long credit; I earn'd my fair profits; I paid my fair way; I break +by the treachery of a friend, and my first dividend will be +seventeen shillings in the pound. I wish every tradesman in England +may clap his hand on his heart, and say as much, when he asks a +creditor to sign his certificate. + +_Bur._ 'Twas I kept your ledger, all the time. + +_Job._ I know you did. + +_Bur._ From the time you took me out of the workhouse. + +_Job._ Psha! rot the workhouse! + +_Bur._ You never mention'd it to me yourself till to-day. + +_Job._ I said it in a hurry. + +_Bur._ And I've always remember'd it at leisure. I don't want to +brag, but I hope I've been found faithful. It's rather hard to tell +poor John Bur, the workhouse boy, after clothing, feeding, and +making him your man of trust, for two and twenty years, that you +wonder he don't run away from you, now you're in trouble. + +_Job._ [_Affected._] John--I beg your pardon. + [_Stretching out his Hand._ + +_Bur._ [_Taking his Hand._] Don't say a word more about it. + +_Job._ I-- + +_Bur._ Pray, now, master, don't say any more!--Come, be a man! get +on your things; and face the bailiffs that are rummaging the goods. + +_Job._ I can't, John; I can't. My heart's heavier than all the iron +and brass in my shop. + +_Bur._ Nay, consider what confusion!--pluck up a courage; do, now! + +_Job._ Well, I'll try. + +_Bur._ Aye, that's right: here's your clothes. [_Taking them from +the Back of a Chair._] They'll play the devil with all the pots and +pans, if you aren't by.--Why, I warrant you'll do! Bless you, what +should ail you? + +_Job._ Ail me? do you go and get a daughter, John Bur; then let her +run away from you, and you'll know what ails me. + +_Bur._ Come, here's your coat and waistcoat. [_Going to help him on +with his Clothes_] This is the waistcoat young mistress work'd with +her own hands, for your birth-day, five years ago. Come, get into +it, as quick as you can. + +_Job._ [_Throwing it on the Floor violently._] I'd as lieve get into +my coffin. She'll have me there soon. Psha! rot it! I'm going to +snivel. Bur, go, and get me another. + +_Bur._ Are you sure you won't put it on? + +_Job._ No, I won't. [_BUR pauses._] No, I tell you.-- [_Exit BUR._ + +How proud I was of that waistcoat five years ago!--I little thought +what would happen now, when I sat in it, at the top of my table, +with all my neighbours to celebrate the day;--there was Collop on +one side of me, and his wife on the other; and my daughter Mary sat +at the farther end;--smiling so sweetly;--like an artful, good for +nothing----I shou'dn't like to throw away a waistcoat neither.--I +may as well put it on.--Yes--it would be poor spite not to put it +on. [_Putting his Arms into it._]--She's breaking my heart; but, +I'll wear it, I'll wear it. [_Buttoning it as he speaks, and crying +involuntarily._] It's my child's--She's undutiful,--ungrateful, +--barbarous,--but she's my child,--and she'll never work me another. + + _Enter BUR._ + +_Bur._ Here's another waistcoat, but it has laid by so long, I think +it's damp. + +_Job._ I was thinking so myself, Bur; and so---- + +_Bur._ Eh--what, you've got on the old one? Well, now, I declare, +I'm glad of that. Here's your coat. [_Putting it on him._]--'Sbobs! +this waistcoat feels a little damp, about the top of the bosom. + +_Job._ [_Confused._] Never mind, Bur, never mind.--A little water +has dropt on it; but it won't give me cold, I believe. + [_A noise without._ + +_Bur._ Heigh! they are playing up old Harry below! I'll run, and see +what's the matter. Make haste after me, do, now! [_Exit BUR._ + +_Job._ I don't care for the bankruptcy now. I can face my creditors, +like an honest man; and I can crawl to my grave, afterwards, as poor +as a church-mouse. What does it signify? Job Thornberry has no +reason now to wish himself worth a groat:--the old ironmonger and +brazier has nobody to board his money for now! I was only saving for +my daughter; and she has run away from her doating, foolish +father,--and struck down my heart--flat--flat.-- + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +Well, who are you? + +_Pereg._ A friend. + +_Job._ Then, I'm sorry to see you. I have just been ruin'd by a +friend; and never wish to have another friend again, as long as I +live.--No, nor any ungrateful, undutiful--Poh!--I don't recollect +your face. + +_Pereg._ Climate, and years, have been at work on it. While +Europeans are scorching under an Indian sun, Time is doubly busy in +fanning their features with his wings. But, do you remember no trace +of me? + +_Job._ No, I tell you. If you have any thing to say, say it. I have +something to settle below with my daughter--I mean, with the people +in the shop;--they are impatient; and the morning has half run away, +before she knew I should be up--I mean, before I have had time to +get on my coat and waistcoat, she gave me--I mean--I mean, if you +have any business, tell it, at once. + +_Pereg._ I _will_ tell it at once. You seem agitated. The harpies, +whom I pass'd in your shop, inform'd me of your sudden misfortune, +but do not despair yet. + +_Job._ Aye, I'm going to be a bankrupt--but that don't signify. Go +on: it isn't that;--they'll find all fair;--but, go on. + +_Pereg._ I will. 'Tis just thirty years ago, since I left England. + +_Job._ That's a little after the time I set up in the hardware +business. + +_Pereg._ About that time, a lad of fifteen years entered your shop: +he had the appearance of a gentleman's son; and told you he had +heard, by accident, as he was wandering through the streets of +Penzance, some of your neighbours speak of Job Thornberry's goodness +to persons in distress. + +_Job._ I believe he told a lie there. + +_Pereg._ Not in that instance, though he did in another. + +_Job._ I remember him. He was a fine, bluff, boy! + +_Pereg._ He had lost his parents, he said; and, destitute of +friends, money, and food, was making his way to the next port, to +offer himself to any vessel that would take him on board, that he +might work his way abroad, and seek a livelihood. + +_Job._ Yes, yes; he did. I remember it. + +_Pereg._ You may remember, too, when the boy had finished his tale +of distress, you put ten guineas in his hand. They were the first +earnings of your trade, you told him, and could not be laid out to +better advantage than in relieving a helpless orphan;--and, giving +him a letter of recommendation to a sea captain at Falmouth, you +wished him good spirits, and prosperity. He left you with a promise, +that, if fortune ever smil'd upon him, you should, one day, hear +news of Peregrine. + +_Job._ Ah, poor fellow! poor Peregrine! he was a pretty boy. I +should like to hear news of him, I own. + +_Pereg._ I am that Peregrine. + +_Job._ Eh? what--you are--? No: let me look at you again. Are you +the pretty boy, that------bless us, how you are alter'd! + +_Pereg._ I have endur'd many hardships since I saw you; many turns +of fortune;--but I deceived you (it was the cunning of a truant lad) +when I told you I had lost my parents. From a romantic folly, the +growth of boyish brains, I had fix'd my fancy on being a sailor, and +had run away from my father. + +_Job._ [_With great Emotion._] Run away from your father! If I had +known that, I'd have horse-whipp'd you, within an inch of your life! + +_Pereg._ Had you known it, you had done right, perhaps. + +_Job._ Right? Ah! you don't know what it is for a child to run away +from a father! Rot me, if I wou'dn't have sent you back to him, +tied, neck and heels, in the basket of the stage coach. + +_Pereg._ I have had my compunctions;--have express'd them by letter +to my father: but I fear my penitence had no effect. + +_Job._ Served you right. + +_Pereg._ Having no answers from him, he died, I fear, without +forgiving me. [_Sighing._ + +_Job._ [_Starting._] What! died! without forgiving his child!--Come, +that's too much. I cou'dn't have done that, neither.--But, go on: I +hope you've been prosperous. But you shou'dn't--you shou'dn't have +quitted your father. + +_Pereg._ I acknowledge it;--yet, I have seen prosperity; though I +traversed many countries, on my outset, in pain and poverty. Chance, +at length, raised me a friend in India; by whose interest, and my +own industry, I amass'd considerable wealth, in the Factory at +Calcutta. + +_Job._ And have just landed it, I suppose, in England. + +_Pereg._ I landed one hundred pounds, last night, in my purse, as I +swam from the Indiaman, which was splitting on a rock, half a league +from the neighbouring shore. As for the rest of my property--bills, +bonds, cash, jewels--the whole amount of my toil and application, +are, by this time, I doubt not, gone to the bottom; and Peregrine is +returned, after thirty years, to pay his debt to you, almost as poor +as he left you. + +_Job._ I won't touch a penny of your hundred pounds--not a penny. + +_Pereg._ I do not desire you: I only desire you to take your own. + +_Job._ My own? + +_Pereg._ Yes; I plunged with this box, last night, into the waves. +You see, it has your name on it. + +_Job._ "Job Thornberry," sure enough. And what's in it? + +_Pereg._ The harvest of a kind man's charity!--the produce of your +bounty to one, whom you thought an orphan. I have traded, these +twenty years, on ten guineas (which, from the first, I had set apart +as yours), till they have become ten thousand: take it; it could +not, I find, come more opportunely. Your honest heart gratified +itself in administering to my need; and I experience that burst of +pleasure, a grateful man enjoys, in relieving my reliever. + [_Giving him the Box._ + +_Job._ [_Squeezes PEREGRINE'S Hand, returns the Box, and seems +almost unable to utter._] Take it again. + +_Pereg._ Why do you reject it? + +_Job._ I'll tell you, as soon as I'm able. T'other day, I lent a +friend----Pshaw, rot it! I'm an old fool! [_Wiping his Eyes._]--I +lent a friend, t'other day, the whole profits of my trade, to save +him from sinking. He walk'd off with them, and made me a bankrupt. +Don't you think he is a rascal? + +_Pereg._ Decidedly so. + +_Job._ And what should I be, if I took all you have saved in the +world, and left you to shift for yourself? + +_Pereg._ But the case is different. This money is, in fact, your +own. I am inur'd to hardships; better able to bear them, and am +younger than you. Perhaps, too, I still have prospects of---- + +_Job._ I won't take it. I'm as thankful to you, as if I left you to +starve: but I won't take it. + +_Pereg._ Remember, too, you have claims upon you, which I have not. +My guide, as I came hither, said, you had married in my absence: +'tis true, he told me you were now a widower; but, it seems, you +have a daughter to provide for. + +_Job._ I have no daughter to provide for now! + +_Pereg._ Then he misinform'd me. + +_Job._ No, he didn't. I had one last night; but she's gone. + +_Pereg._ Gone! + +_Job._ Yes; gone to sea, for what I know, as you did. Run away from +a good father, as you did.--This is a morning to remember;--my +daughter has run out, and the bailiffs have run in;--I shan't soon +forget the day of the month. + +_Pereg._ This morning, did you say? + +_Job._ Aye, before day-break;--a hard-hearted, base---- + +_Pereg._ And could she leave you, during the derangement of your +affairs? + +_Job._ She did'nt know what was going to happen, poor soul! I wish +she had now. I don't think my Mary would have left her old father in +the midst of his misfortunes. + +_Pereg._ [_Aside._] Mary! it must be she! What is the amount of the +demands upon you? + +_Job._ Six thousand. But I don't mind that: the goods can nearly +cover it--let 'em take 'em--damn the gridirons and warming-pans!--I +could begin again--but, now, my Mary's gone, I hav'n't the heart; +but I shall hit upon something. + +_Pereg._ Let me make a proposal to you, my old friend. Permit me to +settle with the officers, and to clear all demands upon you. Make it +a debt, if you please. I will have a hold, if it must be so, on your +future profits in trade; but do this, and I promise to restore your +daughter to you. + +_Job._ What? bring back my child! Do you know where she is? Is she +safe? Is she far off? Is---- + +_Pereg._ Will you receive the money? + +_Job._ Yes, yes; on those terms--on those conditions. But where is +Mary? + +_Pereg._ Patience. I must not tell you yet; but, in four-and-twenty +hours, I pledge myself to bring her back to you. + +_Job._ What, here? to her father's house? and safe? Oh, 'sbud! when +I see her safe, what a thundering passion I'll be in with her! But +you are not deceiving me? You know, the first time you came into my +shop, what a bouncer you told me, when you were a boy. + +_Pereg._ Believe me, I would not trifle with you now. Come, come +down to your shop, that we may rid it of its present visitants. + +_Job._ I believe you dropt from the clouds, all on a sudden, to +comfort an old, broken-hearted brazier. + +_Pereg._ I rejoice, my honest friend, that I arrived at so critical +a juncture; and, if the hand of Providence be in it, 'tis because +Heaven ordains, that benevolent actions, like yours, sooner or +later, must ever meet their recompense. [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE THIRD. + +SCENE I. + + + _SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S Library._ + + _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and the EARL OF FITZ BALAAM._ + +_Sir Simon._ Believe me, my lord, the man I wish'd most to meet in +my library this morning, was the Earl of Fitz Balaam. + +_Lord Fitz._ Thank you, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Your arrival, a day before your promise, gives us such +convenient leisure to talk over the arrangements, relative to the +marriage of Lady Caroline Braymore, your lordship's daughter, with +my son. + +_Lord Fitz._ True, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Then, while Lady Caroline is at her toilet, we'll dash +into business at once; for I know your lordship is a man of few +words. They tell me, my lord, you have sat in the Upper House, and +said nothing but aye and no, there, for these thirty years. + +_Lord Fitz._ I spoke, for more than a minute, in the year of the +influenza. + +_Sir Simon._ Bless me! the epidemic, perhaps, raging among the +members, at the moment. + +_Lord Fitz._ Yes;--they cough'd so loud, I left off in the middle. + +_Sir Simon._ And you never attempted again. + +_Lord Fitz._ I hate to talk much, Sir Simon;--'tis my way; though +several don't like it. + +_Sir Simon._ I do. I consider it as a mark of your lordship's +discretion. The less you say, my lord, in my mind, the wiser you +are; and I have often thought it a pity, that some noble orators +hav'n't follow'd your lordship's example.--But, here are the +writings. [_Sitting down with LORD FITZ BALAAM, and taking them +from the Table._] We must wave ceremony now, my lord; for all this +pile of parchment is built on the independent four thousand a year +of your daughter, Lady Caroline, on one hand, and your lordship's +incumbrances, on the other. + +_Lord Fitz._ I have saddles on my property, Sir Simon. + +_Sir. Simon._ Which saddles, your lordship's property being +uncommonly small, look something like sixteen stone upon a poney. +The Fitz Balaam estate, for an earl, is deplorably narrow. + +_Lord Fitz._ Yet, it has given security for a large debt. + +_Sir Simon._ Large, indeed! I can't think how you have contriv'd it. +'Tis the Archbishop of Brobdignag, squeez'd into Tom Thumb's +pantaloons. + +_Lord Fitz._ Mine is the oldest estate in England, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ If we may judge of age by decay, my lord, it must be +very ancient, indeed!--But this goes to something in the shape of +supplies. [_Untying the Papers._] "Covenant between Augustus Julius +Braymore, Earl of Fitz Balaam, of Cullender Castle, in the county of +Cumberland, and Simon Rochdale, Baronet, of Hollyhock House, in the +county of Cornwall."----By the by, my lord, considering what an +expense attends that castle, which is at your own disposal, and +that, if the auctioneer don't soon knock it down, the weather will, +I wonder what has prevented your lordship's bringing it to the +hammer. + +_Lord Fitz._ The dignity of my ancestors. I have blood in my family, +Sir Simon---- [_Proudly._ + +_Sir Simon._ A deal of excellent blood, my lord; but from the butler +down to the house-dog, curse me if ever I saw so little flesh in a +family before--But by this covenant---- + +_Lord Fitz._ You clear off the largest mortgage. + +_Sir Simon._ Right;--for which purpose, on the day of the young +folks' marriage---- + +_Lord Fitz._ You must pay me forty thousand pounds. + +_Sir Simon._ Right, again. Your lordship says little; but 'tis +terribly plump to the point, indeed, my lord. Here is the +covenant;--and, now, will your lordship look over the marriage +articles? + +_Lord Fitz._ My attorney will be here to-morrow, Sir Simon. I prefer +reading by deputy. [_Both rise._ + +_Sir Simon._ Many people of rank read in the same way, my lord. And +your lordship will receive the forty thousand pounds, I am to pay +you, by deputy also, I suppose. + +_Lord Fitz._ I seldom swear, Sir Simon; but, damn me if I will. + +_Sir Simon._ I believe you are right. Yet there are but two reasons +for not trusting an attorney with your money:--one is, when you +don't know him very well; and the other is, when you do.--And now, +since the marriage is concluded, as I may say, in the families, may +I take the liberty to ask, my lord, what sort of a wife my son +Frank may expect in Lady Caroline? Frank is rather of a grave, +domestic turn: Lady Caroline, it seems, has passed the three last +winters in London. Did her ladyship enter into _all_ the spirit of +the first circles? + +_Lord Fitz._ She was as gay as a lark, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Was she like the lark in her hours, my lord? + +_Lord Fitz._ A great deal more like the owl, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ I thought so. Frank's mornings in London will begin +where her ladyship's nights finish. But his case won't be very +singular. Many couples make the marriage bed a kind of cold +matrimonial well; and the two family buckets dip into it +alternately. + + _Enter LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._ + +_Lady Car._ Do I interrupt business? + +_Sir Simon._ Not in the least. Pray, Lady Caroline, come in. His +lordship and I have just concluded. + +_Lord Fitz._ And I must go and walk my three miles, this morning. + +_Sir Simon._ Must you, my lord? + +_Lord Fitz._ My physician prescribed it, when I told him I was apt +to be dull, after dinner. + +_Sir Simon._ I would attend your lordship;--but since Lady Caroline +favours me with-- + +_Lady Car._ No, no--don't mind me. I assure you, I had much rather +you would go. + +_Sir Simon._ Had you?--hum!--but the petticoats have their new +school of good breeding, too, they tell me. [_Aside._] Well, we are +gone--we have been glancing over the writings, Lady Caroline, that +form the basis of my son's happiness:--though his lordship isn't +much inclined to read. + +_Lady Car._ But I am.--I came here to study very deeply, before +dinner. + +_Sir Simon._ What, would your ladyship, then, wish to-- + [_Showing the Writings._ + +_Lady Car._ To read that? My dear Sir Simon! all that Hebrew, upon +parchment as thick as a board!--I came to see if you had any of the +last novels in your book room. + +_Sir Simon._ The last novels!--most of the female new school are +ghost bitten, they tell me. [_Aside._] There's Fielding's Works; and +you'll find Tom Jones, you know. + +_Lady Car._ Psha! that's such a hack! + +_Sir Simon._ A hack, Lady Caroline, that the knowing ones have +warranted sound. + +_Lady Car._ But what do you think of those that have had such a run +lately? + +_Sir Simon._ Why, I think most of them have run too much, and want +firing. + [_Exeunt SIR SIMON, and LORD FITZ BALAAM._ + +_Lady Car._ I shall die of ennui, in this moping manor house!--Shall +I read to-day?--no, I'll walk.--No, I'll----Yes, I'll read first, +and walk afterwards. [_Rings the Bell, and takes a +Book._]--Pope.--Come, as there are no novels, this may be tolerable. +This is the most triste house I ever saw! [_Sits down and reads._ + + "In these deep solitudes, and awful cells, + Where heavenly-pensive--" + + _Enter ROBERT._ + + +_Rob._ Did you ring, my lady? + +_Lady Car._ ----"Contemplation dwells--" Sir? Oh, yes;--I should +like to walk. Is it damp under foot, sir?--"And ever musing--" + +_Rob._ There has been a good deal of rain to-day my lady. + +_Lady Car._ "Melancholy reigns--" + +_Rob._ My lady-- + +_Lady Car._ Pray, sir, look out, and bring me word if it is clean +or dirty. + +_Rob._ Yes, my lady. [_Exit._ + +_Lady Car._ This settling a marriage is a strange business!--"What +means this tumult in a vestal's veins?--" + +_Shuff._ [_Without._] Bid the groom lead the horse into the avenue, +and I'll come to him. + +_Lady Car._ Company in the house?--some Cornish squire, I suppose. + [_Resumes her reading._ + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON, speaking while entering, JOHN + following._ + +_Lady Car._ [_Still reading, and seated with her Back to +SHUFFLETON._]----"Soon as thy letters, trembling, I unclose----" + +_John._ What horse will you have saddled, sir? + +_Shuff._ Slyboots. [_Exit JOHN._ + +_Lady Car._ ----"That well known name awakens all my woes--" + +_Shuff._ Lady Caroline Braymore! + +_Lady Car._ Mr. Shuffleton! Lard! what can bring you into Cornwall? + +_Shuff._ Sympathy:--which has generally brought me near your +ladyship, in London at least, for these three winters. + +_Lady Car._ Psha! but seriously? + +_Shuff._ I was summoned by friendship. I am consulted on all +essential points, in this family;--and Frank Rochdale is going to be +married. + +_Lady Car._ Then, you know to whom? + +_Shuff._ No;--not thinking that an essential point, I forgot to ask. +He kneels at the pedestal of a rich shrine, and I didn't inquire +about the statue. But, dear Lady Caroline, what has brought you into +Cornwall? + +_Lady Car._ Me? I'm the statue. + +_Shuff._ You! + +_Lady Car._ Yes; I've walk'd off my pedestal, to be worshipp'd at +the Land's End. + +_Shuff._ You to be married to Frank Rochdale! O, Lady Caroline! what +then is to become of _me_? + +_Lady Car._ Oh, Mr. Shuffleton! not thinking that an essential +point, I forgot to ask. + +_Shuff._ Psha! now you're laughing at me! but upon my soul, I shall +turn traitor; take advantage of the confidence reposed in me, by my +friend, and endeavour to supplant him. + +_Lady Car._ What do you think the world would call such duplicity of +conduct? + + _Enter ROBERT._ + +_Rob._ Very dirty, indeed, my lady. [_Exit._ + +_Shuff._ That infernal footman has been listening!--I'll kick him +round his master's park. + +_Lady Car._ 'Tis lucky, then, you are booted; for, you hear, he says +it is very dirty there. + +_Shuff._ Was that the meaning of----Pooh!--but, you see, the--the +surprise--the--the agitation has made me ridiculous. + +_Lady Car._ I see something has made you ridiculous; but you never +told me what it was before. + +_Shuff._ Lady Caroline; this is a crisis, that--my attentions,--that +is, the----In short, the world, you know, my dear Lady Caroline, has +given me to you. + +_Lady Car._ Why, what a shabby world it is! + +_Shuff._ How so? + +_Lady Car._ To make me a present of something, it sets no value on +itself. + +_Shuff._ I flattered myself I might not be altogether invaluable to +your ladyship. + +_Lady Car._ To me! Now, I can't conceive any use I could make of +you. No, positively, you are neither useful nor ornamental. + +_Shuff._ Yet, you were never at an opera, without me at your +elbow;--never in Kensington Gardens, that my horse--the crop, by +the bye, given me by Lord Collarbone,--wasn't constantly in leading +at the gate:--hav'n't you danc'd with me at every ball?--And hav'nt +I, unkind, forgetful, Lady Caroline, even cut the Newmarket +meetings, when you were in London? + +_Lady Car._ Bless me!--these charges are brought in like a bill. "To +attending your ladyship at such a time; to dancing down twenty +couple with your ladyship, at another,"--and, pray, to what do they +all amount? + +_Shuff._ The fullest declaration. + +_Lady Car._ Lard, Mr. Shuffleton! why, it has, to be sure, looked +a--a--a little foolish--but you--you never spoke any thing +to----that is--to justify such a---- + +_Shuff._ That's as much as to say, speak now. [_Aside._]--To be +plain, Lady Caroline, my friend does not know your value. He has an +excellent heart--but that heart is--[_Coughs._] damn the word, it's +so out of fashion, it chokes me! [_Aside._] is irrevocably given to +another.--But mine--by this sweet hand, I swear---- + [_Kneeling and kissing her Hand._ + + _Enter JOHN._ + +Well, sir?-- [_Rising hastily._ + +_John._ Slyboots, sir, has been down on his knees;--and the groom +says he can't go out. + +_Shuff._ Let him saddle another. + +_John._ What horse, sir, will you---- + +_Shuff._ Psha!--any.--What do you call Mr. Rochdale's favourite, +now. + +_John._ Traitor, sir. + +_Shuff._ When Traitor's in the avenue, I shall be there. + [_Exit JOHN._ + +_Lady Car._ Answer me one question, candidly, and, perhaps, I may +entrust you with a secret.--Is Mr. Rochdale seriously attached? + +_Shuff._ Very seriously. + +_Lady Car._ Then I won't marry him. + +_Shuff._ That's spirited.--Now, your secret. + +_Lady Car._ Why--perhaps you may have heard, that my father, Lord +Fitz Balaam, is, somehow, so--so much in debt, that--but, no matter. + +_Shuff._ Oh, not at all;--the case is fashionable, with both lords +and commoners. + +_Lady Car._ But an old maiden aunt, whom, rest her soul! I never +saw, for family pride's sake, bequeathed me an independence. To +obviate his lordship's difficulties, I mean to--to marry into this +humdrum Cornish family. + +_Shuff._ I see--a sacrifice!--filial piety, and all that--to +disembarrass his lordship. But hadn't your ladyship better-- + +_Lady Car._ Marry to disembarrass you? + +_Shuff._ By my honour, I'm disinterested. + +_Lady Car._ By my honour, I'm monstrously piqued--and so vex'd, that +I can't read this morning,--nor talk,--nor----I'll walk. + +_Shuff._ Shall I attend you? + +_Lady Car._ No;--don't fidget at my elbow, as you do at the opera. +But you shall tell me more of this by and by. + +_Shuff._ When?--Where? [_Taking her Hand._ + +_Lady Car._ Don't torment me.--This evening, or--to-morrow, +perhaps;--in the park,--or----psha! we shall meet at dinner.--Do, +let me go now, for I shall be very bad company. + +_Shuff._ [_Kissing her Hand._] Adieu, Lady Caroline!-- + +_Lady Car._ Adieu! [_Exit._ + +_Shuff._ My friend Frank, here, I think, is very much obliged to +me!--I am putting matters pretty well _en train_ to disencumber him +of a wife;--and now I'll canter over the heath, and see what I can +do for him with the brazier's daughter. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _A mean Parlour at the Red Cow._ + + _A Table--Pen, Ink, and Paper on it.--Chairs._ + + _MARY and MRS. BRULGRUDDERY discovered._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ Aye, he might have been there, and back, over and over +again;--but my husband's slow enough in his motions, as I tell him, +till I'm tir'd on't. + +_Mary._ I hope he'll be here soon. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Ods, my little heart! Miss, why so impatient? Hav'n't +you as genteel a parlour as any lady in the land could wish to sit +down in?--The bed's turn'd up in a chest of drawers that's stain'd +to look like mahogany:--there's two poets, and a poll parrot, the +best images the jew had on his head, over the mantlepiece; and was I +to leave you all alone by yourself, isn't there an eight day clock +in the corner, that when one's waiting, lonesome like, for any body, +keeps going tick-tack, and is quite company? + +_Mary._ Indeed, I did not mean to complain. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Complain?--No, I think not, indeed!--When, besides +having a handsome house over your head, the strange gentleman has +left two guineas--though one seems light, and t'other looks a little +brummish--to be laid out for you, as I see occasion. I don't say it +for the lucre of any thing I'm to make out of the money, but, I'm +sure you can't want to eat yet. + +_Mary._ Not if it gives any trouble;--but I was up before sunrise, +and have tasted nothing to-day. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Eh! why, bless me, young woman! ar'n't you well? + +_Mary._ I feel very faint. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Aye, this is a faintish time o'year; but I must give +you a little something, I suppose:--I'll open the window, and give +you a little air. [_DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY, singing, without._ + + _They handed the whiskey about,_ + _'Till it smoked thro' the jaws of the piper;_ + _The bride got a fine copper snout,_ + _And the clergyman's pimples grew riper._ + _Whack doodlety bob,_ + _Sing pip._ + +_Mary._ There's your husband! + +_Mrs. Brul._ There's a hog;--for he's as drunk as one, I know, by +his beastly bawling. + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY, singing._ + + _Whack doodlety bob,_ + _Sing pip._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ "Sing pip," indeed! sing sot! and that's to your old +tune. + +_Mary._ Hav'n't you got an answer? + +_Mrs. Brul._ Hav'n't you got drunk? + +_Dennis._ Be aisy, and you'll see what I've got in a minute. + [_Pulls a Bottle from his Pocket._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ What's that? + +_Dennis._ Good Madeira, it was, when the butler at the big house +gave it me. It jolts so over the heath, if I hadn't held it to my +mouth, I'd have wasted half. [_Puts it on the Table._]--There, Miss, +I brought it for you; and I'll get a glass from the cupboard, and a +plate for this paper of sweet cakes, that the gentlefolks eat, after +dinner in the desert. + +_Mary._ But, tell me if-- + +_Dennis._ [_Running to the Cupboard._] Eat and drink, my jewel; and +my discourse shall serve for the seasoning. Drink now, my pretty +one! [_Fills a Glass._] for you have had nothing, I'll be +bound.--Och, by the powers! I know the ways of ould mother +Brulgruddery. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Old mother Brulgruddery! + +_Dennis._ Don't mind her;--take your prog;--she'd starve a saint. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I starve a saint! + +_Dennis._ Let him stop at the Red Cow, as plump as a porker, and +you'd send him away, in a week, like a weasel.--Bite maccaroony, my +darling! [_Offering the Plate to MARY._ + +_Mary._ I thank you. + +_Dennis._ 'Faith, no merit of mine; 'twas the butler that stole +it:--take some. [_Lets the Plate fall._] Slips by St. Patrick! + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Screaming._] Our best china plate broke all to +shivers! + +_Dennis._ Delf, you deceiver; delf. The cat's dining dish, rivetted. + +_Mary._ Pray now, let me hear your news. + +_Dennis._ That I will.--Mrs. Brulgruddery, I take the small liberty +of begging you to get out, my lambkin. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I shan't budge an inch. She needn't be asham'd of any +thing that's to be told, if she's what she should be. + +_Mary._ I know what I should be, if I were in your place. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Marry come up! And what should you be then? + +_Mary._ More compassionate to one of my own sex, or to any one in +misfortune. Had you come to me, almost broken hearted, and not +looking like one quite abandoned to wickedness, I should have +thought on your misery, and forgot that it might have been brought +on by your faults. + +_Dennis._ At her, my little crature! By my soul, she'll bother the +ould one!--'Faith, the Madeira has done her a deal of service! + +_Mrs. Brul._ What's to be said, is said before _me_; and that's +flat. + +_Mary._ Do tell it, then, [_To DENNIS._] but, for others' sakes, +don't mention names. I wish to hide nothing now, on my own account; +though the money that was put down for me, before you would afford +me shelter, I thought might have given me a little more title to +hear a private message. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I've a character, for virtue, to lose, young woman. + +_Dennis._ When that's gone, you'll get another--that's of a damn'd +impertinent landlady. Sure, she has a right to her parlour; and +hav'n't I brought her cash enough to swallow up the Red Cow's rent +for these two years? + +_Mrs. Brul._ Have you!--Well, though the young lady misunderstands +me, it's always my endeavour to be respectful to gentlefolks. + +_Dennis._ Och, botheration to the respect that's bought, by knocking +one shilling against another, at an inn! Let the heart keep open +house, I say; and if charity is not seated inside of it, like a +beautiful barmaid, it's all a humbug to stick up the sign of the +christian. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I'm sure Miss shall have any thing she likes, poor dear +thing! There's one chicken-- + +_Dennis._ A chicken!--Fie on your double barbarity! Would you murder +the tough dunghill cock, to choke a customer?--A certain person, +that shall be nameless, will come to you in the course of this day, +either by himself, or by friend, or by handwriting. + +_Mary._ And not one word--not one, by letter, now? + +_Dennis._ Be asey--won't he be here soon? In the mean time, here's +nineteen guineas, and a seven shilling piece, as a bit of a +postscript. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Nineteen guineas and---- + +_Dennis._ Hold your gab, woman.--Count them, darling!-- + [_Putting them on the Table--MARY counts the Money._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Drawing DENNIS aside._] What have you done with the +rest? + +_Dennis._ The rest! + +_Mrs. Brul._ Why, have you given her all? + +_Dennis._ I'll tell you what, Mrs. Brulgruddery; it's my notion, in +summing up your last accounts, that, when you begin to dot, ould +Nick will carry one; and that's yourself, my lambkin. + +_Shuff._ [_Without._] Holo? Red Cow! + +_Dennis._ You are call'd, Mrs. Brulgruddery. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I, you Irish bear!--Go, and [_Looking towards the +window._]--Jimminy! a traveller on horseback! and the handsomest +gentleman I ever saw in my life. [_Runs out._ + +_Mary._ Oh, then it must be he! + +_Dennis._ No, 'faith, it isn't the young squire. + +_Mary._ [_Mournfully._] No! + +_Dennis._ There--he's got off the outside of his horse: it's that +flashy spark I saw crossing the court yard, at the big house.--Here +he is. + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._ + +_Shuff._ [_Looking at MARY._] Devilish good-looking girl, upon my +soul! [_Sees DENNIS._] Who's that fellow? + +_Dennis._ Welcome to Muckslush Heath, sir. + +_Shuff._ Pray, sir, have you any business, here? + +_Dennis._ Very little this last week, your honour. + +_Shuff._ O, the landlord. Leave the room. + +_Dennis._ [_Aside._] Manners! but he's my customer. If he don't +behave himself to the young cratur, I'll bounce in, and thump him +blue. [_Exit._ + +_Shuff._ [_Looking at MARY._] Shy, but stylish--much elegance, and +no brass: the most extraordinary article that ever belonged to a +brazier.--[_Addressing her._] Don't be alarmed, my dear. Perhaps you +didn't expect a stranger? + +_Mary._ No, sir. + +_Shuff._ But you expected somebody, I believe, didn't you? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Shuff._ I come from him: here are my credentials. Read that, my +dear little girl, and you'll see how far I am authorized. + [_Gives her a Letter._ + +_Mary._ 'Tis his hand. [_Kissing the Superscription._ + +_Shuff._ [_As she is opening the Letter._] Fine blue eyes, faith, +and very like my Fanny's. Yes, I see how it will end;--she'll be the +fifteenth Mrs. Shuffleton. + +_Mary._ [Reading.] _When the conflicts of my mind have subsided, and +opportunity will permit, I will write to you fully. My friend is +instructed from me to make every arrangement for your welfare. With +heartfelt grief I add, family circumstances have torn me from you +for ever!----_ + [_Drops the Letter, and is falling, SHUFFLETON + supports her._ + +_Shuff._ Ha! damn it, this looks like earnest! They do it very +differently in London. + +_Mary._ [_Recovering._] I beg pardon, sir--I expected this; but +I----I---- [_Bursts into Tears._ + +_Shuff._ [_Aside._] O, come, we are getting into the old train; +after the shower, it will clear.--My dear girl, don't flurry +yourself;--these are things of course, you know. To be sure, you +must feel a little resentment at first, but---- + +_Mary._ Resentment! When I am never, never to see him again! +Morning and night, my voice will be raised to Heaven, in anguish, +for his prosperity!--And tell him,--pray, sir, tell him, I think the +many, many bitter tears I shall shed, will atone for my faults; then +you know, as it isn't himself, but his station, that sunders us, if +news should reach him that I have died, it can't bring any trouble +to his conscience. + +_Shuff._ Mr. Rochdale, my love, you'll find will be very handsome. + +_Mary._ I always found him so, sir. + +_Shuff._ He has sent you a hundred pound bank note [_Giving it to +her._] till matters can be arranged, just to set you a-going. + +_Mary._ I was going, sir, out of this country, for ever. Sure he +couldn't think it necessary to send me this, for fear I should +trouble him! + +_Shuff._ Pshaw! my love, you mistake: the intention is to give you a +settlement. + +_Mary._ I intended to get one for myself, sir. + +_Shuff._ Did you? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir, in London. I shall take a place in the coach +to-morrow morning; and I hope the people of the inn where it puts +up, at the end of the journey, will have the charity to recommend me +to an honest service. + +_Shuff._ Service? Nonsense! You----you must think differently. I'll +put you into a situation in town. + +_Mary._ Will you be so humane, sir? + +_Shuff._ Should you like Marybone parish, my love? + +_Mary._ All parishes are the same to me, now I must quit my own, +sir. + +_Shuff._ I'll write a line for you, to a lady in that quarter, +and--Oh, here's pen and ink. [_Writes, and talks as he is writing._] +I shall be in London myself, in about ten days, and then I'll visit +you, to see how you go on. + +_Mary._ O sir! you are, indeed a friend! + +_Shuff._ I mean to be your friend, my love. There, [_Giving her the +Letter._] Mrs. Brown, Howland-Street; an old acquaintance of mine; a +very goodnatured, discreet, elderly lady, I assure you. + +_Mary._ You are very good, sir, but I shall be ashamed to look such +a discreet person in the face, if she hears my story. + +_Shuff._ No, you needn't;--she has a large stock of charity for the +indiscretions of others, believe me. + +_Mary._ I don't know how to thank you, sir. The unfortunate must +look up to such a lady, sure, as a mother. + +_Shuff._ She has acquired that appellation.----You'll be very +comfortable;--and, when I arrive in town, I'll-- + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +Who have we here?--Oh!--ha!--ha!--This must be the gentleman she +mentioned to Frank in her letter.--rather an ancient ami. [_Aside._ + +_Pereg._ So! I suspected this might be the case. [_Aside._] You are +Mr. Rochdale, I presume sir? + +_Shuff._ Yes, sir, you do presume;--but I am not Mr. Rochdale. + +_Pereg._ I beg your pardon, sir, for mistaking you for so bad a +person. + +_Shuff._ Mr. Rochdale, sir, is my intimate friend. If you mean to +recommend yourself in this quarter, [_Pointing to Mary._] good +breeding will suggest to you, that it mustn't be done by abusing +him, before me. + +_Pereg._ I have not acquired that sort of good breeding, sir, which +isn't founded on good sense;--and when I call the betrayer of female +innocence a bad character, the term, I think, is too true to be +abusive. + +_Shuff._ 'Tis a pity, then, you hav'n't been taught a little better, +what is due to polished society. + +_Pereg._ I am always willing to improve. + +_Shuff._ I hope, sir, you won't urge me to become your instructor. + +_Pereg._ You are unequal to the task: if you quarrel with me in the +cause of a seducer, you are unfit to teach me the duties of a +citizen. + +_Shuff._ You may make, sir, a very good citizen; but, curse me, if +you'll do for the west end of the town. + +_Pereg._ I make no distinctions in the ends of towns, sir:--the ends +of integrity are always uniform: and 'tis only where those ends are +most promoted, that the inhabitants of a town, let them live east or +west, most preponderate in rational estimation. + +_Shuff._ Pray, sir, are you a methodist preacher, in want of a +congregation? + +_Pereg._ Perhaps I'm a quack doctor, in want of a Jack +Pudding.--Will you engage with me? + +_Shuff._ Damn me if this is to be borne.--Sir, the correction I must +give you, will-- + +_Pereg._ [_With Coolness._] Desist, young man, in time, or you may +repent your petulance. + +_Mary._ [_Coming between them._] Oh, gentlemen! pray, pray don't--I +am so frightened! Indeed, sir, you mistake. [_To PEREGRINE._] This +gentleman has been so good to me! [_Pointing to SHUFFLETON._ + +_Pereg._ Prove it, child, and I shall honour him. + +_Mary._ Indeed, indeed he has.--Pray, pray don't quarrel! when two +such generous people meet, it would be a sad pity. See, sir, [_To +PEREGRINE._] he has recommended me to a place in London;--here's the +letter to the good lady, an elderly lady, in Marybone parish! and so +kind, sir, every body, that knows her, calls her mother. + +_Pereg._ [_Looking at the superscription._] Infamous! sit down, and +compose yourself, my love;--the gentleman and I shall soon come to +an understanding. One word, sir: [_Mary sits at the back of the +Scene, the Men advance._] I have lived long in India;--but the +flies, who gad thither, buzz in our ears, till we learn what they +have blown upon in England. I have heard of the wretch, in whose +house you meant to place that unfortunate. + +_Shuff._ Well! and you meant to place her in snugger lodgings, I +suppose? + +_Pereg._ I mean to place her where---- + +_Shuff._ No, my dear fellow, you don't;----unless you answer it to +me. + +_Pereg._ I understand you.--In an hour, then, I shall be at the +Manor-house, whence I suppose, you come. Here we are both unarmed; +and there is one waiting at the door, who, perhaps, might interrupt +us. + +_Shuff._ Who is he? + +_Pereg._ Her father;--her agonized father;----to whose entreaties I +have yielded; and brought him here, prematurely.--He is a +tradesman;--beneath your notice:--a vulgar brazier;--but he has some +sort of feeling for his child! whom, now your friend has lured her +to the precipice of despair, you would hurry down the gulf of +infamy.--For your own convenience, sir, I would advise you to avoid +him. + +_Shuff._ Your advice, now, begins to be a little sensible; and if +you turn out a gentleman, though I suspect you to be one of the +brazier's company, I shall talk to you at Sir Simon's. [_Exit._ + +_Mary._ Is the gentleman gone, sir? + +_Pereg._ Let him go, child; and be thankful that you have escaped +from a villain. + +_Mary._ A villain, sir! + +_Pereg._ The basest; for nothing can be baser than manly strength, +in the specious form of protection, injuring an unhappy woman. When +we should be props to the lily in the storm, 'tis damnable to spring +up like vigorous weeds, and twine about the drooping flower, till +we destroy it. + +_Mary._ Then, where are friends to be found, sir? He seemed honest; +so do you; but, perhaps, you may be as bad. + +_Pereg._ Do not trust me. I have brought you a friend, child, in +whom, Nature tells us, we ever should confide. + +_Mary._ What, here, sir? + +_Pereg._ Yes;--when he hurts you, he must wound himself;--and so +suspicious is the human heart become, from the treachery of society, +that it wants that security. I will send him to you. [_Exit._ + +_Mary._ Who can he mean? I know nobody but Mr. Rochdale, that, I +think, would come to me. For my poor dear father, when he knows all +my crime, will abandon me, as I deserve. + + _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, at the Door PEREGRINE has gone out at._ + +_Job._ Mary! [_MARY shrieks and falls, her Father runs to her._] My +dear Mary!--Speak to me! + +_Mary._ [_Recovering._] Don't look kindly on me, my dear father! +Leave me; I left you:--but I was almost mad. + +_Job._ I'll never leave you, till I drop down dead by your side. How +could you run away from me, Mary? [_She shrieks._] Come, come, kiss +me, and we'll talk of that another time. + +_Mary._ You hav'n't heard half the story, or I'm sure you'd never +forgive me. + +_Job._ Never mind the story now, Mary;--'tis a true story that +you're my child, and that's enough for the present. I hear you have +met with a rascal. I hav'n't been told who, yet. Some folks don't +always forgive; braziers do. Kiss me again, and we'll talk on't by +and by. But, why would you run away, Mary? + +_Mary._ I could'nt stay and be deceitful; and it has often cut me +to the heart, to see you show me that affection, which I knew I +didn't deserve. + +_Job._ Ah! you jade! I ought to be angry; but I can't. Look +here--don't you remember this waistcoat? you worked it for me, you +know. + +_Mary._ I know I did. [_Kissing him._ + +_Job._ I had a hard struggle to put it on, this morning; but I +squeezed myself into it, a few hours after you ran away.--If I could +do that, you might have told me the worst, without much fear of my +anger. How have they behaved to you, Mary? + +_Mary._ The landlord is very humane, but the landlady------ + +_Job._ Cruel to you? I'll blow her up like gunpowder in a copper. We +must stay here to-night;--for there's Peregrine, that king of good +fellows, we must stay here till he comes back, from a little way +off, he says. + +_Mary._ He that brought you here? + +_Job._ Ay, he. I don't know what he intends--but I trust all to +him;--and when he returns, we'll have such a merry-making! Hollo! +house! Oh, damn it, I'll be good to the landlord; but I'll play hell +with his wife! Come with me, and let us call about us a bit. +Hollo!--house! Come, Mary! odsbobs, I'm so happy to have you again! +House!--Come, Mary, [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + + _The Outside of the Red Cow._ + + _DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY before the Door._ + +_Dennis._ I've stretched my neck half a yard longer, looking out +after that rapscallion, Dan. Och! and is it yourself I see, at last? +There he comes, in a snail's trot, with a basket behind him, like a +stage coach. + + _Enter DAN, with a Basket at his Back._ + +Dan, you devil! aren't you a beast of a waiter? + +_Dan._ What for? + +_Dennis._ To stay out so, the first day of company. + +_Dan._ Come, that be a good un! I ha' waited for the company a week, +and I defy you to say I ever left the house till they comed. + +_Dennis._ Well, and that's true. Pacify me with a good reason, and +you'll find me a dutiful master. Arrah, Dan, what's that hump grown +out at your back, on the road? + +_Dan._ Plenty o' meat and drink. I ha'n't had such a hump o' late, +at my stomach. [_Puts the Basket on the Ground._ + +_Dennis._ And who harnessed you, Dan, with all that kitchen stuff? + +_Dan._ He as ware rack'd, and took I wi' un to Penzance, for a +companion. He order'd I, as I said things were a little famish'd +like, here, to buy this for the young woman, and the old man he ha' +brought back wi' un. + +_Dennis._ Then you have been gabbling your ill looking stories +about my larder, you stone eater! + +_Dan._ Larder! I told un you had three live pigs as ware dying. + +_Dennis._ Oh fie! Think you, won't any master discharge a man +sarvant that shames him? Thank your luck, I can't blush. But is the +old fellow, our customer has brought, his intimate friend, he never +saw but once, thirty years ago? + +_Dan._ Ees; that be old Job Thornberry, the brazier; and, as sure as +you stand there, when we got to his shop, they were going to make +him a banker. + +_Dennis._ A banker! I never saw one made. How do they do it? + +_Dan._ Why, the bum baileys do come into his house, and claw away +all his goods and furniture. + +_Dennis._ By the powers, but that's one way of setting a man going +in business! + +_Dan._ When we got into the shop, there they were, as grum as +thunder.--You ha' seen a bum bailey? + +_Dennis._ I'm not curious that way. I might have seen one, once or +twice; but I was walking mighty fast, and had no time to look behind +me. + +_Dan._ My companion--our customer--he went up stairs, and I bided +below;--and then they began a knocking about the goods and +chapels.--That ware no business o' mine. + +_Dennis._ Sure it was not. + +_Dan._ Na, for sartin; so I ax'd 'em what they were a doing;--and +they told I, wi' a broad grin, taking an invention of the +misfortunate man's defects. + +_Dennis._ Choke their grinning! The law of the land's a good doctor; +but, bad luck to those that gorge upon such a fine physician's poor +patients! Sure, we know, now and then, it's mighty wholesome to +bleed; but nobody falls in love with the leech. + +_Dan._ They comed down stairs--our customer and the brazier; and +the head baily he began a bullocking at the old man, in my mind, +just as one christian shou'dn't do to another. I had nothing to do +wi' that. + +_Dennis._ Damn the bit. + +_Dan._ No, nothing at all; and so my blood began to rise. He made +the poor old man almost fit to cry. + +_Dennis._ That wasn't your concern, you know. + +_Dan._ Bless you, mun! 'twould ha' look'd busy like, in me, to say a +word; so I took up a warming pan, and I bang'd bum bailey, wi' the +broad end on't, 'till he fell o' the floor as fat as twopence. + +_Dennis._ Oh, hubaboo! lodge in my heart, and I'll never ax you for +rent--you're a friend in need. Remember, I've a warmingpan--you know +where it hangs, and that's enough. + +_Dan._ They had like to ha' warm'd I, finely, I do know. I ware nigh +being haul'd to prison; 'cause, as well as I could make out their +cant, it do seem I had rescued myself, and broke a statue. + +_Dennis._ Och, the Philistines! + +_Dan._ But our traveller--I do think he be the devil--he settled all +in a jiffy; for he paid the old man's debts, and the bailey's broken +head ware chuck'd into the bargain. + +_Dennis._ And what did he pay? + +_Dan._ Guess now. + +_Dennis._ A hundred pounds? + +_Dan._ Six thousand, by gum! + +_Dennis._ What! on the nail? + +_Dan._ Na; on the counter. + +_Dennis._ Whew!--six thousand pou----! Oh, by the powers, this man +must be the philosopher's stone! Dan---- + +_Dan._ Hush! here he be. + + _Enter PEREGRINE, from the House._ + +_Per._ [_To DAN._] So, friend, you have brought provision, I +perceive. + +_Dan._ Ees, sir;--three boil'd fowls, three roast, two chicken +pies, and a capon. + +_Per._ You have considered abundance, more than variety. And the +wine? + +_Dan._ A dozen o' capital red port, sir: I ax'd for the newest they +had i' the cellar. + +_Dennis._ [_To himself._] Six thousand pounds upon a counter! + +_Per._ [_To DAN._] Carry the hamper in doors; then return to me +instantly. You must accompany me in another excursion. + +_Dan._ What, now? + +_Per._ Yes; to Sir Simon Rochdale's. You are not tired, my honest +fellow? + +_Dan._ Na, not a walking wi' you;--but, dang me, when you die, if +all the shoemakers shouldn't go into mourning. + [_DAN takes the Hamper into the House._ + +_Dennis._ [_Ruminating._] Six thousand pounds! by St. Patrick, it's +a sum! + +_Per._ How many miles from here to the Manor house? + +_Dennis._ Six thousand! + +_Per._ Six thousand!--yards you mean, I suppose, friend. + +_Dennis._ Sir!--Eh? Yes, sir, I--I mean yards--all upon a counter! + +_Per._ Six thousand yards upon a counter! Mine host, here, seems a +little bewildered;--but he has been anxious, I find, for poor Mary, +and 'tis national in him to blend eccentricity with kindness. John +Bull exhibits a plain, undecorated dish of solid benevolence; but +Pat has a gay garnish of whim around his good nature; and if, now +and then, 'tis sprinkled in a little confusion, they must have +vitiated stomachs, who are not pleased with the embellishment. + + _Enter DAN, booted._ + +_Dan._ Now, sir, you and I'll stump it. + +_Per._ Is the way we are to go now, so much worse, that you have +cased yourself in those boots? + +_Dan._ Quite clean--that's why I put 'em on: I should ha' dirted 'em +in t' other job. + +_Per._ Set forward, then. + +_Dan._ Na, sir, axing your pardon; I be but the guide, and 'tisn't +for I to go first. + +_Per._ Ha! ha! Then we must march abreast, boy, like lusty soldiers, +and I shall be side by side with honesty: 'tis the best way of +travelling through life's journey, and why not over a heath? Come, +my lad. + +_Dan._ Cheek by jowl, by gum! [_Exeunt PEREGRINE and DAN._ + +_Dennis._ That walking philosopher--perhaps he'll give me a big bag +of money. Then, to be sure, I won't lay out some of it to make me +easy for life: for I'll settle a separate maintenance upon ould +mother Brulgruddery. + + _JOB THORNBERRY peeps out of the Door of the Public House._ + +_Job._ Landlord! + +_Dennis._ Coming, your honour. + +_Job._ [_Coming forward._] Hush! don't bawl;--Mary has fallen +asleep. You have behaved like an emperor to her, she says. Give me +your hand, landlord. + +_Dennis._ Behaved!--Arrah, now, get away with your blarney. + [_Refusing his Hand._ + +_Job._ Well, let it alone. I'm an old fool, perhaps; but, as you +comforted my poor girl in her trouble, I thought a squeeze from her +father's hand--as much as to say, "Thank you, for my child."--might +not have come amiss to you. + +_Dennis._ And is it yourself who are that creature's father? + +_Job._ Her mother said so, and I always believed her. You have heard +some'at of what has happen'd, I suppose. It's all over our town, I +take it, by this time. Scandal is an ugly, trumpeting devil. Let +'em talk;--a man loses little by parting with a herd of neighbours, +who are busiest in publishing his family misfortunes; for they are +just the sort of cattle who would never stir over the threshold to +prevent 'em. + +_Dennis._ Troth, and that's true;--and some will only sarve you, +because you're convenient to 'em, for the time present; just as my +customers come to the Red Cow. + +_Job._ I'll come to the Red Cow, hail, rain, or shine, to help the +house, as long as you are Landlord. Though I must say that your +wife---- + +_Dennis._ [_Putting his Hand before JOB'S Mouth._] Decency! +Remember your own honour, and my feelings. I mustn't hear any thing +bad, you know, of Mrs. Brulgruddery; and you'll say nothing good of +her, without telling damn'd lies; so be asy. + +_Job._ Well, I've done;--but we mustn't be speaking ill of all the +world, neither: there are always some sound hearts to be found among +the hollow ones. Now he that is just gone over the heath---- + +_Dennis._ What, the walking philosopher? + +_Job._ I don't know any thing of his philosophy; but, if I live +these thousand years, I shall never forget his goodness. Then, +there's another;--I was thinking, just now, if I had tried him, I +might have found a friend in my need, this morning. + +_Dennis._ Who is he? + +_Job._ A monstrous good young man; and as modest and affable, as if +he had been bred up a 'prentice, instead of a gentleman. + +_Dennis._ And what's his name? + +_Job._ Oh, every body knows him, in this neighbourhood; he lives +hard by--Mr. Francis Rochdale, the young 'squire, at the +Manor-house. + +_Dennis._ Mr. Francis Rochdale! + +_Job._ Yes!--he's as condescending! and took quite a friendship for +me, and mine. He told me, t'other day, he'd recommend me in trade to +all the great families twenty miles round;--and said he'd do, I +don't know what all, for my Mary. + +_Dennis._ He did!--Well, 'faith, you may'nt know what; but, by my +soul, he has kept his word! + +_Job._ Kept his word!--What do you mean? + +_Dennis._ Harkye--If Scandal is blowing about your little fireside +accident, 'twas Mr. Francis Rochdale recommended him to your shop, +to buy his brass trumpet. + +_Job._ Eh! What? no!--yes--I see it at once!--young Rochdale's a +rascal!--Mary! [_Bawling._ + +_Dennis._ Hush--you'll wake her, you know. + +_Job._ I intend it. I'll--a glossy, oily, smooth rascal!--warming me +in his favour, like an unwholesome February sun! shining upon my +poor cottage, and drawing forth my child,--my tender blossom,--to +suffer blight, and mildew!--Mary! I'll go directly to the +Manor-house--his father's in the commission.--I may'nt find justice, +but I shall find a justice of peace. + +_Dennis._ Fie, now! and can't you listen to reason? + +_Job._ Reason!----tell me a reason why a father shouldn't be almost +mad, when his patron has ruin'd his child.--Damn his +protection!--tell me a reason why a man of birth's seducing my +daughter doesn't almost double the rascality? yes, double it: for my +fine gentleman, at the very time he is laying his plans to make her +infamous, would think himself disgraced in making her the honest +reparation she might find from one of her equals. + +_Dennis._ Arrah, be asy, now, Mr. Thornberry. + +_Job._ And, this spark, forsooth, is now canvassing the +county!--but, if I don't give him his own at the hustings!--How dare +a man set himself up for a guardian of his neighbour's rights, who +has robbed his neighbour of his dearest comforts? How dare a +seducer come into freeholders' houses, and have the impudence to +say, send me up to London as your representative? Mary! [_Calling._ + +_Dennis._ That's all very true.--But if the voters are under +petticoat government, he has a mighty good chance of his election. + + _Enter MARY._ + +_Mary._ Did you call, my dear father? + +_Job._ Yes, I did call. [_Passionately._ + +_Dennis._ Don't you frighten that poor young crature! + +_Mary._ Oh, dear! what has happened?--You are angry; very angry. I +hope it isn't with me!--if it is, I have no reason to complain. + +_Job._ [_Softened, and folding her in his Arms._] My poor, dear +child! I forgive you twenty times more, now, than I did before. + +_Mary._ Do you, my dear father? + +_Job._ Yes; for there's twenty times more excuse for you, when rank +and education have helped a scoundrel to dazzle you. Come! + [_Taking her Hand._ + +_Mary._ Come! where? + +_Job._ [_Impatiently._] To the Manor-house with me, directly. + +_Mary._ To the Manor-house! Oh, my dear father, think of what you +are doing! think of me! + +_Job._ Of you!--I think of nothing else. I'll see you righted. Don't +be terrified, child--damn it, you know I doat on you: but we are all +equals in the eye of the law; and rot me, if I won't make a +baronet's son shake in his shoes, for betraying a brazier's +daughter. Come, love, come! _Exeunt JOB and MARY._ + +_Dennis._ There'll be a big boderation at the Manor-house! My +customers are all gone, that I was to entertain:--nobody's left but +my lambkin, who don't entertain me: Sir Simon's butler gives good +Madeira:--so, I'm off, after the rest; and the Red Cow and mother +Brulgruddery may take care of one another. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Frank._ Shuffleton's intelligence astonishes me!--So soon to throw +herself into the arms of another!----and what could effect, even if +time for perseverance had favoured him, such a person's success with +her! + + _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE._ + +_Sir Simon._ Why, Frank! I thought you were walking with Lady +Caroline. + +_Frank._ No, sir. + +_Sir Simon._ Ha! I wish you would learn some of the gallantries of +the present day from your friend, Tom Shuffleton:--but from being +careless of coming up to the fashion, damn it, you go beyond it? for +you neglect a woman three days before marriage, as much as half the +Tom Shuffletons three months after it. + +_Frank._ As by entering into this marriage, sir, I shall perform the +duties of a son, I hope you will do me the justice to suppose I +shall not be basely negligent as a husband, + +_Sir Simon._ Frank, you're a fool; and---- + + _Enter a SERVANT._ + +Well, sir? + +_Serv._ A person, Sir Simon, says he wishes to see you on very +urgent business. + +_Sir Simon._ And I have very urgent business, just now, with my +steward. Who is the person? How did he come? + +_Serv._ On foot, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Oh, let him wait. [_Exit SERVANT._ + +At all events, I can't see this person for these two hours.--I wish +you would see him for me. + +_Frank._ Certainly, sir,--any thing is refuge to me, now, from the +subject of matrimony. [_Aside, and going._ + +_Sir Simon._ But a word before you go. Damn it, my dear lad, why +can't you perceive I am labouring this marriage for your good? We +shall ennoble the Rochdales:--for, though my father,--your +grandfather,--did some service in elections (_that_ made him a +baronet), amassed property, and bought lands, and so on, yet, your +great grandfather--Come here----your great grandfather was a miller. + [_Half whispering._ + +_Frank._ [_Smiling._] I shall not respect his memory less, sir, for +knowing his occupation. + +_Sir Simon._ But the world will, you blockhead: and, for your sake, +for the sake of our posterity, I would cross the cart breed, as much +as possible, by blood. + +_Frank._ Is that of consequence, sir? + +_Sir Simon._ Isn't it the common policy? and the necessities of your +boasters of pedigree produce a thousand intermarriages with people +of no pedigree at all;--till, at last, we so jumble a genealogy, +that, if the devil himself would pluck knowledge from the family +tree, he could hardly find out the original fruit. + [_Exeunt severally._ + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON, from the Park, following LADY CAROLINE + BRAYMORE._ + +_Shuff._ "The time is come for Iphigene to find, + "The miracle she wrought upon my mind;" + +_Lady Car._ Don't talk to me. + +_Shuff._ "For, now, by love, by force she shall be mine, + "Or death, if force should fail, shall finish my design." + +_Lady Car._ I wish you would finish your nonsense. + +_Shuff._ Nonsense:--'tis poetry; somebody told me 'twas written by +Dryden. + +_Lady Car._ Perhaps so;----but all poetry is nonsense. + +_Shuff._ Hear me, then, in prose. + +_Lady Car._ Psha!--that's worse. + +_Shuff._ Then I must express my meaning in pantomime. Shall I ogle +you? + +_Lady Car._ You are a teasing wretch;--I have subjected myself, I +find, to very ill treatment, in this petty family;--and begin to +perceive I am a very weak woman. + +_Shuff._ [_Aside._] Pretty well for that matter. + +_Lady Car._ To find myself absolutely avoided by the gentleman I +meant to honour with my hand,--so pointedly neglected!---- + +_Shuff._ I must confess it looks a little like a complete cut. + +_Lady Car._ And what you told me of the low attachment that---- + +_Shuff._ Nay, my dear Lady Caroline, don't say that I told you more +than---- + +_Lady Car._ I won't have it denied:--and I'm sure 'tis all true. See +here--here's an odious parchment Lord Fitz Balaam put into my hand +in the park.--A marriage license, I think he calls it--but if I +don't scatter it in a thousand pieces---- + +_Shuff._ [_Preventing her._] Softly, my dear Lady Caroline; that's a +license of marriage, you know. The names are inserted of +course.--Some of them may be rubbed a little in the carriage; but +they may be filled up at pleasure, you know.----Frank's my +friend,----and if he has been negligent, I say nothing; but the +parson of the parish is as blind as a beetle. + +_Lady Car._ Now, don't you think, Mr. Shuffleton, I am a very ill +used person? + +_Shuff._ I feel inwardly for you, Lady Caroline; but my friend makes +the subject delicate. Let us change it. Did you observe the steeple +upon the hill, at the end of the park pales? + +_Lady Car._ Psha?--No. + +_Shuff._ It belongs to one of the prettiest little village churches +you ever saw in your life. Let me show you the inside of the church, +Lady Caroline. + +_Lady Car._ I am almost afraid: for, if I should make a rash vow +there, what is to become of my Lord Fitz Balaam? + +_Shuff._ Oh, that's true; I had forgot his lordship:--but as the +exigencies of the times demand it, let us hurry the question through +the Commons, and when it has passed, with such strong independent +interest on our sides, it will hardly be thrown out by the Peerage. + [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE III. + + + _Another Apartment in SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S House._ + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +_Pereg._ Sir Simon does not hurry himself; but 'tis a custom with +the great, to make the little, and the unknown, dance attendance. +When I left Cornwall, as a boy, this house, I remember, was tenanted +by strangers, and the Rochdales inhabited another on the estate, +seven miles off.--I have lived to see some changes in the family, +and may live, perhaps, to see more. + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Frank._ You expected, I believe, Sir Simon Rochdale, sir;--but he +will be occupied with particular business, for some time. Can I +receive your commands, sir? + +_Pereg._ Are you Sir Simon Rochdale's son, sir? + +_Frank._ I am. + +_Pereg._ It was my wish, sir, to have seen your father. I come +unintroduced, and scurvily enough accoutred; but, as I have urgent +matters to communicate, and have suffered shipwreck, upon your +coast, this morning, business will excuse my obtrusion, and the sea +must apologize for my wardrobe. + +_Frank._ Shipwreck! That calamity is a sufficient introduction to +every roof, I trust, in a civilized country. What can we do +immediately to serve you? + +_Pereg._ Nothing, sir--I am here to perform service, not to require +it. I come from a wretched hut on the heath, within the ken of this +affluent mansion, where I have witnessed calamity in the extreme. + +_Frank._ I do not understand you. + +_Pereg._ Mary!-- + +_Frank._ Ha.!--Now you _have_ made me understand you. I perceive, +now, on what object you have presented yourself here, to harangue. +'Tis a subject on which my own remorse would have taught me to bend +to a just man's castigation; but the reproof retorts on the +reprover, when he is known to be a hypocrite. My friend, sir, has +taught me to know you. + +_Pereg._ He, whom I encountered at the house on the heath? + +_Frank._ The same. + +_Pereg._ And what may he have taught you? + +_Frank._ To discover, that your aim is to torture me, for +relinquishing a beloved object, whom you are, at this moment, +attaching to yourself;--to know, that a diabolical disposition, for +which I cannot account, prompts you to come here, without the +probability of benefiting any party, to injure me, and throw a +whole family into confusion, on the eve of a marriage. But, in +tearing myself from the poor, wronged, Mary, I almost tear my very +heart by its fibres from the seat;----but 'tis a sacrifice to a +father's repose; and-- + +_Pereg._ Hold, sir! When you betrayed the poor, wronged, Mary, how +came you to forget, that every father's repose may be broken for +ever by his child's conduct? + +_Frank._ By my honour! by my soul! it was my intention to have +placed her far, far above the reach of want; but you, my hollow +monitor, are frustrating that intention. You, who come here to +preach virtue, are tempting her to be a confirmed votary of vice, +whom I in penitence would rescue, as the victim of unguarded +sensibility. + +_Pereg._ Are you, then, jealous of me? + +_Frank._ Jealous! + +_Pereg._ Aye: if so, I can give you ease. Return with me, to the +injured innocent on the heath: marry her, and I will give her away. + +_Frank._ Marry her! I am bound in honour to another. + +_Pereg._ Modern honour is a coercive argument; but when you have +seduced virtue, whose injuries you will not solidly repair, you must +be slightly bound in old-fashion'd honesty. + +_Frank._ I------I know not what to say to you. Your manner almost +awes me; and there is a mystery in---- + +_Pereg._ I am mysterious, sir. I may have other business, perhaps, +with your father; and, I will tell you, the very fate of your family +may hang on my conference with him. Come, come, Mr. Rochdale, bring +me to Sir Simon. + +_Frank._ My father cannot be seen yet. Will you, for a short time, +remain in my apartment? + +_Pereg._ Willingly;--and depend on this, sir--I have seen enough of +the world's weakness, to forgive the casual faults of youthful +indiscretion;--but I have a detestation for systematic vice; and +though, as a general censor, my lash may be feeble, circumstances +have put a scourge in my hand, which may fall heavily on this +family, should any of its branches force me to wield it.--I attend +you. [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + + _A Hall in the Manor-house._ + + _Voices wrangling without._ + +_Job._ I will see Sir Simon. + +_Simon._ You can't see Sir Simon, &c. &c. &c. + + _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, MARY, and SIMON._ + +_Job._ Don't tell me;--I come upon justice business. + +_Simon._ Sir Simon be a gentleman justice. + +_Job._ If the justice allows all his servants to be as saucy as you, +I can't say much for the gentleman. + +_Simon._ But these ben't his hours. + +_Job._ Hours for justice! I thought one of the blessings of an +Englishman, was to find justice at any time. + +_Mary._ Pray don't be so---- + +_Job._ Hold your tongue, child. What _are_ his hours? + +_Simon._ Why, from twelve to two. + +_Job._ Two hours out of four and twenty! I hope all that belong to +law, are a little quicker than his worship; if not, when a case +wants immediate remedy, it's just eleven to one against us. Don't +you know me? + +_Simon._ Na. + +_Job._ I'm sure I have seen you in Penzance. + +_Simon._ My wife has got a chandler's shop there. + +_Job._ Haven't you heard we've a fire engine in the church? + +_Simon._ What o' that? + +_Job._ Suppose your wife's shop was in flames, and all her bacon and +farthing candles frying? + +_Simon._ And what then? + +_Job._ Why then, while the house was burning, you'd run to the +church for the engine. Shou'dn't you think it plaguy hard if the +sexton said, "Call for it to-morrow, between twelve and two?" + +_Simon._ That be neither here nor there. + +_Job._ Isn't it! Then, do you see this stick? [_Menacing._ + +_Simon._ Pshaw! you be a foolish old fellow. + +_Job._ Why, that's true. Every now and then a jack-in-office, like +you, provokes a man to forget his years. The cudgel is a stout one, +and som'at like your master's justice;--'tis a good weapon in weak +hands; and that's the way many a rogue escapes a dressing.--What! +you are laughing at it? + +_Simon._ Ees. + +_Job._ Ees! you Cornish baboon, in a laced livery!--Here's something +to make you grin more--here's half a crown. + [_Holding it up between his Finger and Thumb._ + +_Simon._ Hee! hee! + +_Job._ Hee, hee!--Damn your Land'send chops! 'tis to get me to your +master:--but, before you have it, though he keeps a +gentleman-justice-shop, I shall make free to ring it on his counter. +[_Throws it on the Floor._] There! pick it up. [_SIMON picks up the +money._] I am afraid you are not the first underling that has +stoop'd to pocket a bribe, before he'd do his duty.--Now, tell the +gentleman-justice, I want to see him. + +_Simon._ I'll try what I can do for you. [_Exit._ + +_Job._ What makes you tremble so, Mary? + +_Mary._ I can't help it:--I wish I could persuade you to go back +again. + +_Job._ I'll stay till the roof falls, but I'll see some of 'em. + +_Mary._ Indeed, you don't know how you terrify me. But, if you go to +Sir Simon, you'll leave me here in the hall;--you won't make me go +with you, father? + +_Job._ Not take you with me.--I'll go with my wrongs in my hand, and +make him blush for his son. + +_Mary._ I hope you'll think better of it. + +_Job._ Why? + +_Mary._ Because, when you came to talk, I should sink with shame, if +he said any thing to you that might----that---- + +_Job._ Might what? + +_Mary._ [_Sighing, and hanging down her Head._] Make you blush for +your daughter. + +_Job._ I won't have you waiting, like a petitioner, in this hall, +when you come to be righted. No, no! + +_Mary._ You wouldn't have refused me any thing once;--but I know I +have lost your esteem, now. + +_Job._ Lost!--forgive is forgive, all the world over. You know, +Mary, I have forgiven you: and, making it up by halves, is making +myself a brass teakettle--warm one minute, cold the next; smooth +without, and hollow within. + +_Mary._ Then, pray, don't deny me!--I'm sure you wouldn't, if you +knew half I am suffering. + +_Job._ Do as you like, Mary; only never tell me again you have lost +my esteem. It looks like suspicion o' both sides.--Never say that, +and I can deny you nothing in reason,--or, perhaps, a little beyond +it.-- + + _Enter SIMON._ + +Well, will the justice do a man the favour to do his duty? Will he +see me? + +_Simon._ Come into the room next his libery. A stranger, who's with +young master, ha' been waiting for un, longer nor you; but I'll get +you in first. + +_Job._ I don't know, that that's quite fair to the other. + +_Simon._ Ees, it be; for t'other didn't give I half a crown. + +_Job._ Then, stay till I come back, Mary.--I see, my man, when you +take a bribe, you are scrupulous enough to do your work for it; for +which, I hope, somebody may duck you with one hand, and rub you dry +with the other. Kindness and honesty, for kindness and honesty's +sake, is the true coin; but many a one, like you, is content to be a +passable Birmingham halfpenny. [_Exeunt JOB THORNBERRY and SIMON._ + +_Mary._ I wished to come to this house in the morning, and now I +would give the world to be out of it. Hark! here's somebody! Oh, +mercy on me, 'tis he himself! What will become of me! + [_Retires towards the Back of the Scene._ + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Frank._ My father, then, shall see this visitor, whatever be the +event. I will prepare him for the interview, and---- [_Sees MARY._] +Good Heaven! why--why are you here? + +_Mary._ [_Advancing to him eagerly._] I don't come willingly to +trouble you; I don't, indeed! + +_Frank._ What motive, Mary, has brought you to this house? and who +is the stranger under whose protection you have placed yourself, at +the house on the heath? Surely you cannot love him! + +_Mary._ I hope I do. + +_Frank._ You hope you do! + +_Mary._ Yes; for I think he saved my life this morning, when I was +struggling with the robber, who threatened to kill me. + +_Frank._ And had you taken no guide with you, Mary?--no protector? + +_Mary._ I was thinking too much of one, who promised to be my +protector always, to think of any other. + +_Frank._ Mary----I----I----'twas I, then, it seems who brought your +life into such hazard. + +_Mary._ I hope I haven't said any thing to make you unhappy. + +_Frank._ Nothing, my dearest Mary, nothing. I know it is not in your +nature even to whisper a reproof. Yet, I sent a friend, with full +power from me, to give you the amplest protection. + +_Mary._ I know you did:--and he gave me a letter, that I might be +protected, when I got to London. + +_Frank._ Why, then, commit yourself to the care of a stranger? + +_Mary._ Because the stranger read the direction of the letter--here +it is, [_Taking it from her Pocket._] and said your friend was +treacherous. + +_Frank._ [_Looking at the Letter._] Villain! + +_Mary._ Did he intend to lead me into a snare then? + +_Frank._ Let me keep this letter.--I may have been deceived in the +person I sent to you, but--damn his rascality! [_Aside._] But, could +you think me base enough to leave you, unsheltered? I had torn you +from your home,--with anguish I confess it--but I would have +provided you another home, which want should not have assailed. +Would this stranger bring you better comfort? + +_Mary._ Oh, yes; he has; he has brought me my father. + +_Frank._ Your father!--from whom I made you fly! + +_Mary._ Yes; he has brought a father to his child,--that she might +kiss off the tears her disobedience had forced down his aged cheeks, +and restored me to the only home, which could give me any comfort, +now.--And my father is here. + +_Frank._ Here! + +_Mary._ Indeed, I cou'dn't help his coming; and he made me come with +him. + +_Frank._ I--I am almost glad, Mary, that it has happened. + +_Mary._ Are you? + +_Frank._ Yes--when a weight of concealment is on the mind, remorse +is relieved by the very discovery which it has dreaded. But you must +not be waiting here, Mary. There is one in the house, to whose care +I will entrust you. + +_Mary._ I hope it isn't the person you sent to me to-day. + +_Frank._ He! I would sooner cradle infancy with serpents.--Yet this +is my friend! I will, now, confide in a stranger:--the stranger, +Mary, who saved your life. + +_Mary._ Is he here! + +_Frank._ He is:--Oh, Mary, how painful, if, performing the duty of a +son, I must abandon, at last, the expiation of a penitent! but so +dependent on each other are the delicate combinations of probity, +that one broken link perplexes the whole chain, and an abstracted +virtue becomes a relative iniquity. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _The Library._ + + _SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and his STEWARD, who appears to be + quitting the Room. JOB THORNBERRY standing at a little + Distance from them._ + +_Sir Simon._ Remember the money must be ready to-morrow, Mr. +Pennyman. + +_Steward._ It shall, Sir Simon. [_Going._ + +_Sir Simon._ [_To JOB._] So, friend, your business, you say, +is--and, Mr. Pennyman, [_STEWARD turns back._] give Robin Ruddy +notice to quit his cottage, directly. + +_Steward._ I am afraid, Sir Simon, if he's turned out, it will be +his ruin. + +_Sir Simon._ He should have recollected that, before he ruin'd his +neighbour's daughter. + +_Job._ [_Starting._] Eh! + +_Sir Simon._ What's the matter with the man? His offence is attended +with great aggravation.--Why doesn't he marry her? + +_Job._ Aye! [_Emphatically._ + +_Sir Simon._ Pray, friend, be quiet. + +_Steward._ He says it would make her more unfortunate still; he's +too necessitous to provide even for the living consequence of his +indiscretion. + +_Sir Simon._ That doubles his crime to the girl.--He must quit. I'm +a magistrate, you know, Mr. Pennyman, and 'tis my duty to discourage +all such immorality. + +_Steward._ Your orders must be obeyed, Sir Simon. [_Exit STEWARD._ + +_Sir Simon._ Now, yours is justice-business, you say. You come at an +irregular time, and I have somebody else waiting for me; so be +quick. What brings you here? + +_Job._ My daughter's seduction, Sir Simon;--and it has done my +heart good to hear your worship say, 'tis your duty to discourage +all such immorality. + +_Sir Simon._ To be sure it is;--but men, like you, shou'dn't be too +apt to lay hold of every sentiment justice drops, lest you misapply +it. 'Tis like an officious footman snatching up his mistress's +periwig, and clapping it on again, hind part before. What are you? + +_Job._ A tradesman, Sir Simon. I have been a freeholder, in this +district, for many a year. + +_Sir Simon._ A freeholder!--Zounds! one of Frank's voters, perhaps, +and of consequence at his election. [_Aside._] Won't you, my good +friend, take a chair? + +_Job._ Thank you, Sir Simon, I know my proper place. I didn't come +here to sit down with Sir Simon Rochdale, because I am a freeholder; +I come to demand my right, because you are a justice. + +_Sir Simon._ A man of respectability, a tradesman, and a freeholder, +in such a serious case as yours, had better have recourse to a court +of law. + +_Job._ I am not rich, now, Sir Simon, whatever I may have been. + +_Sir Simon._ A magistrate, honest, friend, can't give you +damages:--you must fee counsel. + +_Job._ I can't afford an expensive lawsuit, Sir Simon:--and, begging +your pardon, I think the law never intended that an injured man, in +middling circumstances, should either go without redress, or starve +himself to obtain it. + +_Sir Simon._ Whatever advice I can give you, you shall have it for +nothing; but I can't jump over justice's hedges and ditches. Courts +of law are broad high roads, made for national convenience; if your +way lie through them, 'tis but fair you should pay the turnpikes. +Who is the offender? + +_Job._ He lives on your estate, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Oho! a tenant!--Then I may carry you through your +journey by a short cut. Let him marry your daughter, my honest +friend. + +_Job._ He won't. + +_Sir Simon._ Why not? + +_Job._ He's going to marry another. + +_Sir Simon._ Then he turns out. The rascal sha'n't disgrace my +estate four and twenty hours longer.--Injure a reputable tradesman, +my neighbour!----a freeholder!--and refuse to----did you say he was +poor? + +_Job._ No, Sir Simon; and, by and by, if you don't stand in his way, +he may be very rich. + +_Sir Simon._ Rich! eh!--Why, zounds! is he a gentleman? + +_Job._ I have answer'd that question already, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Not that I remember. + +_Job._ I thought I had been telling you his behaviour. + +_Sir Simon._ Umph! + +_Job._ I reckon many of my neighbours honest men, though I can't +call them gentlemen;--but I reckon no man a gentleman, that I can't +call honest. + +_Sir Simon._ Harkye, neighbour;--if he's a gentleman (and I have +several giddy young tenants, with more money than thought), let him +give you a good round sum, and there's an end. + +_Job._ A good round sum!--Damn me, I shall choke! [_Aside._] A +ruffian, with a crape, puts a pistol to my breast, and robs me of +forty shillings;--a scoundrel, with a smiling face, creeps to my +fireside, and robs my daughter of her innocence. The judge can't +allow restitution to spare the highwayman;--then, pray, Sir +Simon,--I wish to speak humbly--pray don't insult the father, by +calling money a reparation from the seducer. + +_Sir Simon._ This fellow must be dealt with quietly I see--Justice, +my honest friend, is----justice.--As a magistrate, I make no +distinction of persons.--Seduction is a heinous offence: and, +whatever is in my power, I---- + +_Job._ The offender is in your power, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Well, well; don't be hasty, and I'll take cognizance of +him.--We must do things in form:--but you mustn't be passionate. +[_Goes to the Table, and takes up a Pen._] Come, give me his +christian and surname, and I'll see what's to be done for you.--Now, +what name must I write? + +_Job._ Francis Rochdale. + +_Sir Simon._ [_Drops the Pen, looks at JOB, and starts up._] Damn me! +if it isn't the brazier! + +_Job._ Justice is justice, Sir Simon. I am a respectable tradesman, +your neighbour, and a freeholder.--Seduction is a heinous offence; a +magistrate knows no distinction of persons; and a rascal musn't +disgrace your estate four and twenty hours longer. + +_Sir Simon._ [_Sheepishly._] I believe your name is Thornberry? + +_Job._ It is, Sir Simon. I never blush'd at my name, till your son +made me blush for yours. + +_Sir Simon._ Mr. Thornberry--I--I heard something of my +son's--a--little indiscretion, some mornings ago. + +_Job._ Did you, Sir Simon? you never sent to me about it; so, I +suppose, the news reach'd you at one of the hours you don't set +apart for justice. + +_Sir Simon._ This is a----a very awkward business, Mr. Thornberry. +Something like a hump back;--we can never set it quite straight, so +we must bolster it. + +_Job._ How do you mean, Sir Simon? + +_Sir Simon._ Why--'tis a--a disagreeable affair, and--we--must hush +it up. + +_Job._ Hush it up! a justice compound with a father, to wink at his +child's injuries! if you and I hush it up so, Sir Simon, how shall +we hush it up here? [_Striking his Breast._] In one word, will your +son marry my daughter? + +_Sir Simon._ What! my son marry the daughter of a brazier! + +_Job._ He has ruined the daughter of a brazier.--If the best lord in +the land degrades himself by a crime, you can't call his atonement +for it a condescension. + +_Sir Simon._ Honest friend--I don't know in what quantities you may +sell brass at your shop; but when you come abroad, and ask a baronet +to marry his son to your daughter, damn me, if you ar'n't a +wholesale dealer! + +_Job._ And I can't tell, Sir Simon, how you may please to retail +justice; but when a customer comes to deal largely with you, damn me +if you don't shut up the shop windows! + +_Sir Simon._ You are growing saucy. Leave the room, or I shall +commit you. + +_Job._ Commit me! you will please to observe, Sir Simon, I +remember'd my duty, till you forgot yours. You asked me, at first, +to sit down in your presence. I knew better than to do so, before a +baronet and a justice of peace. But I lose my respect for my +superior in rank, when he's so much below my equals in fair +dealing:--and, since the magistrate has left the chair [_Slams the +Chair into the middle of the Room._] I'll sit down on it. [_Sits +down._] There!--'Tis fit it should be fill'd by somebody--and, +dam'me if I leave the house till you redress my daughter, or I shame +you all over the county! + +_Sir Simon._ Why, you impudent mechanic! I shou'dn't wonder if the +scoundrel call'd for my clerk, and sign'd my mittimus. [_Rings the +Bell._] Fellow, get out of that chair. + +_Job._ I sha'n't stir. If you want to sit down, take another. This +is the chair of justice: it's the most uneasy for you of any in the +room. + + _Enter SERVANT._ + +_Sir Simon._ Tell Mr. Rochdale to come to me directly. + +_Serv._ Yes, Sir Simon. [_Sees JOB._] Hee! hee! + +_Sir Simon._ Don't stand grinning, you booby! but go. + +_Serv._ Yes, Sir Simon. Hee! he! [_Exit._ + +_Job._ [_Reaching a Book from the Table._] "Burn's Justice!" + +_Sir Simon._ And how dare you take it up? + +_Job._ Because you have laid it down. Read it a little better, and, +then, I may respect you more.--There it is. + [_Throws it on the Floor._ + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Sir Simon._ So, sir! prettily I am insulted on your account! + +_Frank._ Good Heaven, sir! what is the matter? + +_Sir Simon._ The matter! [_Points to JOB._] Lug that old bundle of +brass out of my chair, directly. + [_FRANK casts his Eyes on THORNBERRY, then + on the Ground, and stands abashed._ + +_Job._ He dare as soon jump into one of your tin-mines. +Brass!--there is no baser metal than hypocrisy: he came with that +false coin to my shop, and it pass'd; but see how conscience nails +him to the spot, now! + +_Frank._ [_To SIR SIMON._] Sir, I came to explain all. + +_Sir Simon._ Sir, you must be aware that all is explained already. +You provoke a brazier almost to knock me down; and bring me news of +it, when he is fix'd as tight in my study, as a copper in my +kitchen. + +_Frank._ [_Advancing to JOB._] Mr. Thornberry, I---- + +_Job._ Keep your distance! I'm an old fellow; but if my daughter's +seducer comes near me, I'll beat him as flat as a stewpan. + +_Frank._ [_Still advancing._] Suffer me to speak, and-- + +_Job._ [_Rising from the Chair, and holding up his Cane._] Come an +inch nearer, and I'll be as good as my word. + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +_Pereg._ Hold! + +_Job._ Eh! you here? then I have some chance, perhaps, of getting +righted, at last. + +_Pereg._ Do not permit passion to weaken that chance. + +_Job._ Oh, plague! you don't know;--I wasn't violent till---- + +_Pereg._ Nay, nay; cease to grasp that cane.--While we are so +conspicuously bless'd with laws to chastise a culprit, the mace of +justice is the only proper weapon for the injured.--Let me talk with +you. [_Takes THORNBERRY aside._ + +_Sir Simon._ [_To FRANK ROCHDALE._] Well, sir; who may this last +person be, whom you have thought proper should visit me? + +_Frank._ A stranger in this country, sir, and---- + +_Sir Simon._ And a friend, I perceive, of that old ruffian. + +_Frank._ I have reason to think, sir, he is a friend to Mr. +Thornberry. + +_Sir Simon._ Sir, I am very much obliged to you.--You send a brazier +to challenge me, and now, I suppose, you have brought a travelling +tinker for his second. Where does he come from? + +_Frank._ India, sir. He leap'd from the vessel that was foundering +on the rocks, this morning, and swam to shore. + +_Sir Simon._ Did he? I wish he had taken the jump with the brazier +tied to his neck. + [_PEREGRINE and JOB come forward._ + +_Pereg._ [_Apart to JOB._] I can discuss it better in your absence. +Be near with Mary: should the issue be favourable, I will call you. + +_Job._ [_Apart to PEREG._] Well, well! I will. You have a better +head at it than I.----Justice! Oh, if I was Lord Chancellor, I'd +knock all the family down with the mace, in a minute. [_Exit._ + +_Pereg._ Suffer me to say a few words, Sir Simon Rochdale, in behalf +of that unhappy man. [_Pointing to where JOB was gone out._ + +_Sir Simon._ And pray, sir, what privilege have you to interfere in +my domestic concerns? + +_Pereg._ None, as it appears abstractedly. Old Thornberry has just +deputed me to accommodate his domestic concerns with you: I would, +willingly, not touch upon yours. + +_Sir Simon._ Poh! poh! You can't touch upon one, Without being +impertinent about the other. + +_Pereg._ Have the candour to suppose, Sir Simon, that I mean no +disrespect to your house. Although I may stickle, lustily, with you, +in the cause of an aggrieved man, believe me, early habits have +taught me to be anxious for the prosperity of the Rochdales. + +_Sir Simon._ Early habits! + +_Pereg._ I happened to be born on your estate, Sir Simon; and have +obligations to some part of your family. + +_Sir Simon._ Then, upon my soul, you have chosen a pretty way to +repay them! + +_Pereg._ I know no better way of repaying them, than by consulting +your family honour. In my boyhood, it seem'd as if nature had +dropp'd me a kind of infant subject on your father's Cornish +territory; and the whole pedigree of your house is familiar to me. + +_Sir Simon._ Is it? Confound him, he has heard of the miller! +[_Aside._] Sir, you may talk this tolerably well; but 'tis my +hope--my opinion, I mean, you can't tell who was my grandfather. + +_Pereg._ Whisper the secret to yourself, Sir Simon; and let reason +also whisper to you, that, when honest industry raises a family to +opulence and honours, its very original lowness sheds lustre on its +elevation;--but all its glory fades, when it has given a wound, and +denies a balsam, to a man, as humble, and as honest, as your own +ancestor. + +_Sir Simon._ But I haven't given the wound.--And why, good sir, +won't you be pleased to speak your sentiments! + [_To FRANK, who has retired, during the above + Conversation, to the Back of the Room._ + +_Frank._ The first are, obedience to my father, sir; and, if I must +proceed, I own that nothing, in my mind, but the amplest atonement, +can extinguish true remorse for a cruelty. + +_Sir Simon._ Ha! in other words, you can't clap an extinguisher upon +your feelings, without a father-in-law who can sell you one. But +Lady Caroline Braymore is your wife, or I am no longer your father. + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON and LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._ + +_Shuff._ How d'ye do, good folks? How d'ye do? + +_Sir Simon._ Ha! Lady Caroline!--Tom, I have had a little +business.--The last dinner-bell has rung, Lady Caroline; but I'll +attend you directly. + +_Shuff._ Baronet, I'm afraid we sha'n't be able to dine with you +to-day. + +_Sir Simon._ Not dine with me! + +_Lady Car._ No;--we are just married! + +_Sir Simon._ Hell and the devil! married! + +_Shuff._ Yes; we are married, and can't come. + +_Pereg._ [_Aside._] Then 'tis time to speak to old Thornberry. + [_Exit._ + +_Sir Simon._ Lady Caroline! + +_Lady Car._ I lost my appetite in your family this morning, Sir +Simon; and have no relish for any thing you can have the goodness to +offer me. + +_Shuff._ Don't press us, baronet;--that's quite out, in the New +School. + +_Sir Simon._ Oh, damn the New School!--who will explain all this +mystery? + +_Frank._ Mr. Shuffleton shall explain it, sir; and other mysteries +too. + +_Shuff._ My dear Frank, I have something to say to you. But here +comes my papa; I've been talking to him, Sir Simon, and he'll talk +to you. He does very well to explain, for the benefit of a country +gentleman. + + _Enter LORD FITZ BALAAM._ + +_Sir Simon._ My Lord, it is painful to be referred to you, when so +much is to be said. What is it all? + +_Lord Fitz._ You are disappointed, Sir Simon, and I am ruin'd. + +_Sir Simon._ But, my lord---- [_They go up the Stage._ + + [_LADY CAROLINE throws herself carelessly into a + Chair. SHUFFLETON advances to FRANK._ + +_Shuff._ My dear Frank, I----I have had a devilish deal of trouble +in getting this business off your hands. But you see, I have done my +best for you. + +_Frank._ For yourself, you mean. + +_Shuff._ Come, damn it, my good fellow, don't be ungrateful to a +friend. + +_Frank._ Take back this letter of recommendation, you wrote for +Mary, as a friend. When you assume that name with me, Mr. +Shuffleton, for myself I laugh; for you I blush; but for sacred +friendship's profanation I grieve. [_Turns from him._ + +_Shuff._ That all happens from living so much out of town. + + _Enter PEREGRINE, JOB THORNBERRY, and MARY._ + +_Pereg._ Now, Sir Simon, as accident seems to have thwarted a +design, which probity could never applaud, you may, perhaps, be +inclined to do justice here. + +_Job._ Justice is all I come for--damn their favours! Cheer up, +Mary! + +_Sir Simon._ [_To PEREG._] I was in hopes I had got rid of you. You +are an orator from the sea-shore; but you must put more pebbles in +your mouth before you harangue me into a tea-kettle connexion. + +_Shuff._ That's my friend at the Red Cow. He is the new-old _cher +ami_ to honest tea-kettle's daughter. + +_Frank._ Your insinuation is false, sir. + +_Shuff._ False! [_Stepping forward._ + +_Lady Car._ Hush! don't quarrel;--we are only married to-day. + +_Shuff._ That's true; I won't do any thing to make you unhappy for +these three weeks. + +_Pereg._ Sir Simon Rochdale, if my oratory fail, and which, indeed, +is weak, may interest prevail with you? + +_Sir Simon._ No; rather than consent, I'd give up every acre of my +estate. + +_Pereg._ Your conduct proves you unworthy of your estate; and, +unluckily for you, you have roused the indignation of an elder +brother, who now stands before you, and claims it. + +_Sir Simon._ Eh!--Zounds!--Peregrine! + +_Pereg._ I can make my title too good, in an instant, for you to +dispute it. My agent in London has long had documents on the secret +he has kept; and several old inhabitants here, I know, are prepared +to identify me. + +_Sir Simon._ I had a run-away brother--a boy that every body +thought dead. How came he not to claim till now? + +_Pereg._ Because, knowing he had given deep cause of offence, he +never would have asserted his abandon'd right, had he not found a +brother neglecting, what no Englishman should neglect--justice and +humanity to his inferiors. + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY._ + +_Dennis._ Stand asy, all of you; for I've big news for my +half-drown'd customer. Och! bless your mug! and is it there you are? + +_Sir Simon._ What's the matter now? + +_Dennis._ Hould your tongue, you little man!--There's a great post +just come to your Manor-house, and the Indiaman's work'd into port. + +_Job._ What, the vessel with all your property? [_To PEREG._ + +_Dennis._ By all that's amazing, they say you have a hundred +thousand pounds in that ship. + +_Pereg._ My losses might have been somewhat more without this +recovery. I have entered into a sort of partnership with you, my +friend, this morning. How can we dissolve it? + +_Job._ You are an honest man; so am I; so settle that account as you +like. + +_Pereg._ Come forth, then, injured simplicity;--of your own cause +you shall be now the arbitress. + +_Mary._ Do not make me speak, sir, I am so humbled--so abash'd---- + +_Job._ Nonsense! we are sticking up for right. + +_Pereg._ Will you then speak, Mr. Rochdale? + +_Frank._ My father is bereft of a fortune, sir; but I must hesitate +till his fiat is obtained, as much as if he possess'd it. + +_Sir Simon._ Nay, nay; follow your own inclinations now + +_Frank._ May I, sir? Oh, then, let the libertine now make +reparation, and claim a wife. + [_Running to MARY, and embracing her._ + +_Dennis._ His wife! Och! what a big dinner we'll have at the Red +Cow! + +_Pereg._ What am I to say, sir? [_To SIR SIMON._ + +_Sir Simon._ Oh! you are to say what you please. + +_Pereg._ Then, bless you both! And, tho' I have passed so much of my +life abroad, brother, English equity is dear to my heart. Respect +the rights of honest John Bull, and our family concerns may be +easily arranged. + +_Job._ That's upright. I forgive you, young man, for what has +passed; but no one deserves forgiveness, who refuses to make amends, +when he has disturb'd the happiness of an Englishman's fireside. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL*** + + +******* This file should be named 20177-8.txt or 20177-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: John Bull</p> +<p> The Englishman's Fireside: A Comedy, in Five Acts</p> +<p>Author: George Colman</p> +<p>Release Date: December 23, 2006 [eBook #20177]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Steven desJardins<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3> +<p> </p> +<p>Transcriber's note:</p> +<p>Typographical errors in the original 1807 +edition have been left uncorrected.</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/johnbull.jpg" width="437" height="700" alt="JOB THORNBERRY.—THERE—'TIS FIT IT SHOULD BE FILLED BY SOMEBODY.PAINTED BY SINGLETON PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN & CO. ENGRAVED BY FITTLER 1807" +title="JOB THORNBERRY.—THERE—'TIS FIT IT SHOULD BE FILLED BY SOMEBODY.PAINTED BY SINGLETON PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN & CO. ENGRAVED BY FITTLER 1807" /> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="JOHN_BULL" id="JOHN_BULL" ></a>JOHN BULL;</h1> + +<h4>OR,</h4> + +<h2>THE ENGLISHMAN'S FIRESIDE:</h2> + +<h3>A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS;</h3> + +<h2>BY GEORGE COLMAN, THE YOUNGER.</h2> + +<h3>AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, COVENT GARDEN.</h3> + +<h4>PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS +FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.</h4> + +<h3>WITH REMARKS BY MRS. INCHBALD.</h3> + +<h4>LONDON:</h4> + +<h5>PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME, +PATERNOSTER ROW.</h5> + +<h5>WILLIAM SAVAGE, PRINTER, +LONDON.</h5> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="REMARKS" id="REMARKS" ></a>REMARKS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>"Yet be not blindly guided by the throng;<br /></span> +<span>"The multitude is always in the wrong."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Roscommon surely meets with a bold contradiction in this comedy—for +it was not only admired by the multitude, but the discerning few +approved of that admiration.</p> + +<p>The irresistible broad humour, which is the predominant quality of +this drama, is so exquisitely interspersed with touches of nature +more refined, with occasional flashes of wit, and with events so +interesting, that, if the production is not of that perfect kind +which the most rigid critic demands, he must still acknowledge it as +a bond, given under the author's own hand, that he can, if he +pleases, produce, in all its various branches, a complete comedy.</p> + +<p>The introduction of farces into the entertainments of the theatre +has been one cause of destroying that legitimate comedy, which such +critics require. The eye, which has been accustomed to delight in +paintings of caricature, regards a picture from real life as an +insipid work. The extravagance of farce has given to the Town a +taste for the pleasant convulsion of hearty laughter, and smiles are +contemned, as the tokens of insipid amusement.</p> + +<p>To know the temper of the times with accuracy, is one of the first +talents requisite to a dramatic author. The works of other authors +may be reconsidered a week, a month, or a year after a first +perusal, and regain their credit by an increase of judgment bestowed +upon their reader; but the dramatist, once brought before the +public, must please at first sight, or never be seen more. There is +no reconsideration in <i>his</i> case—no judgment to expect beyond the +decree of the moment: and he must direct his force against the +weakness, as well as the strength, of his jury. He must address +their habits, passions, and prejudices, as the only means to gain +this sudden conquest of their minds and hearts. Such was the +author's success on the representation of "John Bull." The hearts +and minds of his auditors were captivated, and proved, to +demonstration, his skilful insight into human kind.</p> + +<p>Were other witnesses necessary to confirm this truth, the whole +dramatis personæ might be summoned as evidence, in whose characters +human nature is powerfully described; and if, at times, too boldly +for a reader's sober fancy, most judiciously adapted to that spirit +which guides an audience.</p> + +<p>It would be tedious to enumerate the beauties of this play, for it +abounds with them. Its faults, in a moment, are numbered.</p> + +<p>The prudence and good sense of Job Thornberry are so palpably +deficient, in his having given to a little run-away, story-telling +boy (as it is proved, and he might have suspected) ten guineas, the +first earnings of his industry—that no one can wonder he becomes a +bankrupt, or pity him when he does. In the common course of +occurrences, ten guineas would redeem many a father of a family from +bitter misery, and plunge many a youth into utter ruin. Yet nothing +pleases an audience so much as a gift, let who will be the receiver. +They should be broken of this vague propensity to give; and be +taught, that charity without discrimination is a sensual enjoyment, +and, like all sensuality, ought to be restrained: but that charity +with discretion, is foremost amongst the virtues, and must not be +contaminated with heedless profusion.—Still the author has shown +such ingenuity in the event which arises from this incident, that +those persons, who despise the silly generosity of Thornberry, are +yet highly affected by the gratitude of Peregrine.</p> + +<p>This comedy would read much better, but not act half so well, if it +were all written in good English. It seems unreasonable to forbid an +author to take advantage of any actor's peculiar abilities that may +suit his convenience; and both Johnstone and Emery displayed +abilities of the very first rate in the two characters they +represented in "John Bull."—But to the author of "John Bull," whose +genius may be animated to still higher exertions in the pursuit of +fame, it may be said—Leave the distortion of language to men who +cannot embellish it like yourself—and to women.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE" id="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE" ></a>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</h2> + +<table border="0" cellspacing="0"> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Peregrine</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Cooke.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale</span>]</td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Blanchard.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. H. Johnston.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Williams</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Klanert.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Lord Fitz-Balaam</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Waddy.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Hon. Tom Shuffleton</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Lewis</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Fawcett.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">John Bur</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Atkins.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Johnstone.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Dan</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Emery.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mr. Pennyman</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Davenport.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">John</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Abbot.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Robert</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Truman.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Simon</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mr. Beverly.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td> </td><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Lady Caroline Braymore</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mrs. H. Johnston.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Brulgruddery</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mrs. Davenport.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mary Thornberry</span></td><td> </td><td><i>Mrs. Gibbs.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td> </td><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td><i>SCENE,—Cornwall.</i></td><td> </td><td> </td></tr> +</table> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<h1>JOHN BULL.</h1> + +<h2>ACT THE FIRST.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.</h3> + + +<p class="stage-center"><i>A Public House on a Heath: over the Door the Sign of the Red + Cow;——and the Name of</i> "<span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span>."</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>, <i>from the House.</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span> + <i>opening the outward Shutters of the House.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A pretty blustratious night we have had! and the sun peeps +through the fog this morning, like the copper pot in my +kitchen.—Devil a traveller do I see coming to the Red Cow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na, measter!—nowt do pass by here, I do think, but the +carrion crows.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Dan;—think you, will I be ruin'd?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Ees; past all condemption. We be the undonestest family in +all Cornwall. Your ale be as dead as my grandmother; mistress do set +by the fire, and sputter like an apple a-roasting; the pigs ha' +gotten the measles; I be grown thinner nor an old sixpence; and thee +hast drank up all the spirity liquors.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> By my soul, I believe my setting up the Red Cow, a week +ago, was a bit of a Bull!—but that's no odds. Haven't I been +married these three months?—and who did I marry?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Why, a waddling woman, wi' a mulberry feace.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Have done with your blarney, Mr. Dan. Think of the high +blood in her veins, you bog trotter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Ees; I always do, when I do look at her nose.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Never you mind Mrs. Brulgruddery's nose. Was'nt she fat +widow to Mr. Skinnygauge, the lean exciseman of Lestweithel? and +did'nt her uncle, who is fifteenth cousin to a Cornish Baronet, say +he'd leave her no money, if he ever happen'd to have any, because +she had disgraced her parentage, by marrying herself to a taxman? +Bathershan, man, and don't you think he'll help us out of the mud, +now her second husband is an Irish jontleman, bred and born?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> He, he! Thee be'st a rum gentleman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Troth, and myself, Mr. Dennis Brulgruddery, was brought up +to the church.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Why, zure!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> You may say that, I open'd the pew doors, in Belfast.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> And what made 'em to turn thee out o'the treade?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I snored in sermon time. Dr. Snufflebags, the preacher, +said I woke the rest of the congregation. Arrah, Dan, don't I see a +tall customer stretching out his arms in the fog?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na; that be the road-post.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> 'Faith, and so it is. Och! when I was turn'd out of my +snug birth at Belfast, the tears ran down my eighteen year old +cheeks, like buttermilk.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Pshaw, man! nonsense! Thee'dst never get another livelihood +by crying.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Yes, I did; I cried oysters. Then I pluck'd up——what's +that? a customer!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> [<i>Looking out.</i>] Na, a donkey.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Well, then I pluck'd up a parcel of my courage, and I +carried arms.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Waunds! what, a musket?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> No; a reaping hook. I cut my way half through England: +till a German learn'd me physic, at a fair in Devonshire.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> What, poticary's stuff?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I studied it in Doctor Von Quolchigronck's booth, at +Plympton. He cured the yellow glanders, and restored prolification +to families who wanted an heir. I was of mighty use to him as an +assistant.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Were you indeed!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> But, somehow, the doctor and I had a quarrel; so I gave +him something, and parted.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> And what didst thee give him, pray?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I gave him a black-eye; and set up for myself at +Lestweithel; where Mr. Skinnygauge, the exciseman, was in his +honeymoon.—Poor soul! he was my patient, and died one day: but his +widow had such a neat notion of my subscriptions, that in three +weeks, she was Mrs. Brulgruddery.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad +luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth +chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Why, that be this very house.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the +remainder of the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery: +laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the +goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption; +took a sarvingman——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> That's I.—I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired +me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer +since I have been a publican.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> See!—See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!—and a +coming this road.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he +may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him +there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> I will—Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And harkye:—say there's an accomplish'd landlord.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Ees—and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And, Dan;—sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that +has sour'd all the beer, you know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used +to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant +un!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Wife!—I must tell her the joyful news—Mrs. Brulgruddery! +my dear!—Devil choak my dear!—she's as deaf as a trunk-maker—Mrs. +Brulgruddery!</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Brulgruddery</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery? +What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd +like to know?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Mighty like a mile-stone—standing still, at this present +writing.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> A pretty situation we are in truly!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Yes;—upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> And, where is the fortune I brought you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> All swallow'd up by the Red Cow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have +been in such a quandary.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this +public house?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept +it. But, who advised you to drink out all the brandy?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears +into my eyes, as you do!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Crying.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I know that—I saw you at his funeral.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> You're a monster!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Am I?—Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> You'll be the death of me; you know you will.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a +small morsel of consolation.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Consolation indeed!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Yes—There's a customer coming.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Brightening.</i>] What!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath, +yonder. Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into +a fish basket.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I +knew how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it +was all by my advice you took the Red Cow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Och ho! it was, was it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I +hav'n't prophesied a customer to-day for nothing.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Goes into the House.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Troth, and it's prophesying on the sure side, to foretell +a thing when it has happen'd.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>, <i>conducting</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>—<span class="smcap">Peregrine</span> <i>carrying a + small Trunk under his Arm.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I am indifferent about accommodations.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Our'n be a comfortable parlour, zur: you'll find it clean: +for I wash'd un down mysen, wringing wet, five minutes ago.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> You have told me so, twenty times.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> This be the Red Cow, zur, as you may see by the pictur; and +here be measter—he'll treat ye in a hospital manner, zur, and show +you a deal o' contention.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I'll be bound, sir, you'll get good entertainment, whether +you are a man or a horse.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> You may lodge me as either, friend. I can sleep as well in +a stable as a bedchamber; for travel has season'd me.—Since I have +preserved this [<i>Half aside, and pointing to the Trunk under his +Arm</i>], I can lay my head upon it with tranquility, and repose any +where.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> 'Faith, it seems a mighty decent, hard bolster. What is it +stuff'd with, I wonder?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> That which keeps the miser awake—money.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Wauns! all that money!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I'd be proud, sir, to know your upholsterer—he should +make me a feather bed gratis of the same pretty materials. If that +was all my own, I'd sleep like a pig, though I'm married to Mrs. +Brulgruddery.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I shall sleep better, because it is not my own.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Your own's in a snugger place, then? safe from the sharks +of this dirty world, and be hang'd to 'em!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Except the purse in my pocket, 'tis, now, I fancy, in a +place most frequented by the sharks of this world.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> London, I suppose?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> The bottom of the sea.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> By my soul, that's a watering place—and you'll find +sharks there, sure enough in all conscience.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Brulgruddery</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> What would you chuse to take, sir, after your walk this +raw morning? We have any thing you desire.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Yes, we have any thing. Any thing's nothing, they say.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Dan, bustle about; and see the room ready, and all +tidy; do you hear?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> I wull.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> What would you like to drink, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> O, mine is an accommodating palate, hostess. I have +swallowed burgundy with the French, hollands with the Dutch, sherbet +with a Turk, sloe juice with an Englishman, and water with a simple +Gentoo.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> [<i>Going.</i>] Dang me, but he's a rum customer! It's my opinion, +he'll take a fancy to our sour beer.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit into the House</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Is your house far from the sea-shore?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> About three miles, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> So!—And I have wandered upon the heath four hours, before +day-break.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Lackaday! has any thing happened to you, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Shipwreck—that's all.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Mercy on us! cast away?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> On your coast, here.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Then, compliment apart, sir, you take a ducking as if you +had been used to it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Life's a lottery, friend; and man should make up his mind +to the blanks. On what part of Cornwall am I thrown?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> We are two miles from Penzance, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Ha!—from Penzance!—that's lucky!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul</i> [<i>Aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>.] Lucky!—Then he'll go on, without +drinking at our house.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A hem!—Sir, there has been a great big thunder storm at +Penzance, and all the beer in the town's as thick as mustard.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I feel chill'd—get me a glass of brandy.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Och, the devil! [<i>Aside.</i>] Bring the brandy bottle for the +jontleman, my jewel.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Aloud to his Wife.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Apart.</i>] Dont you know you've emptied it, you sot, +you!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>Apart.</i>] Draw a mug of beer—I'll palaver him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Apart, and going.</i>] Ah! if you would but follow my +advice!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit into the House.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> You see that woman that's gone sir,—she's my wife, poor +soul! She has but one misfortune, and that's a wapper.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> What's that?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> We had as a neat a big bottle of brandy, a week ago—and +damn the drop's left. But I say nothing—she's my wife, poor +creature! and she can tell who drank it. Would'nt you like a sup of +sour—I mean, of our strong beer?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Pshaw! no matter what. Tell me, is a person of the name of +Thornberry still living in Penzance?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Is it one Mr. Thornberry you are asking after?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Yes. When I first saw him (indeed, it was the first time +and the last), he had just begun to adventure humbly in trade. His +stock was very slender, but his neighbours accounted him a kindly +man—and I know they spoke the truth. Thirty years ago, after half +an hour's intercourse, which proved to me his benevolent nature, I +squeezed his hand, and parted.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Thirty years! 'Faith, after half an hour's dish of talk, +that's a reasonable long time to remember!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Not at all; for he did me a genuine service; and gratitude +writes the records in the heart, that, till it ceases to beat, they +may live in the memory.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Brulgruddery</span>, <i>with a Mug of Beer.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Apart to</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>.] What have you said about the +brandy bottle?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>Apart.</i>] I told him you broke it, one day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Apart.</i>] Ah! I am always the shelter for your sins.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Hush!—[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Perg</span>.] You know, sir, I—hem!—I mention'd to +you poor Mrs. Brulgruddery's misfortune.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Ha, ha! you did indeed, friend.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I am very sorry, sir, but—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Be asy, my lambkin! the jontleman excuses it. You are not +the first that has crack'd a bottle, you know.—Here's your beer, +sir. [<i>Taking it from his Wife.</i>] I'm not of a blushing nation, or +I'd be shame-faced to give it him.—[<i>Aside.</i>] My jewel, the +jontleman was asking after one Mr. Thornberry.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Delaying to give the Beer.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> What! old Job Thornberry of Penzance, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> The very same. You know him, then?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Very well, by hearsay, sir. He has lived there upwards +of thirty years. A very thriving man now, and well to do in the +world;—as others might be, too, if they would but follow my advice.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I rejoice to hear it. Give me the beer, Landlord; I'll +drink his health in humble malt, then hasten to visit him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis. [Aside.</i>] By St. Patrick, then, you'll make wry faces on +the road.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Gives him the mug.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>As</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span> <i>is about to drink, a Shriek is heard at a + small Distance.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Ha! the voice of a female in distress? Then 'tis a man's +business to fly to her protection.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Dashes the Mug on the Ground. Exit.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Wheugh! what a whirligigg! Why, Dennis, the man's mad!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I think that thing.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> He has thrown down all the beer, before he tasted a +drop.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That's it: if he had chuck'd it away afterwards, I +shou'dn't have wonder'd.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Here he comes again;—and, I declare, with a young +woman leaning on his shoulder.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A young woman! let me have a bit of a peep. [<i>Looking +out.</i>] Och, the crater! Och, the—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Heyday! I should'n't have thought of your peeping after +a young woman, indeed!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Be asy, Mrs. Brulgruddery! it's a way we have in +Ireland.—There's a face!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Well, and hav'n't I a face, pray?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That you have, my lambkin! You have had one these fifty +years, I'll bound for you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Fifty years! you are the greatest brute that ever dug +potatoes.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>, <i>supporting</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> This way. Cheer your spirits; the ruffian with whom I saw +you struggling, has fled across the Heath; but his speed prevented +my saving your property. Was your money, too, in the parcel with +your clothes?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> All I possessed in the world, sir;—and he has so +frighten'd me!—Indeed. I thank you, sir; indeed I do!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Come, come, compose yourself. Whither are you going, pretty +one?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I must not tell, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Then whither do you come from?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> No body must know, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Umph! Then your proceedings, child, are a secret?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Yet you appear to need a friend to direct them. A heath is +a rare place to find one: in the absence of a better, confide in me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> You forget that you are a stranger, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I always do—when the defenceless want my assistance.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> But, perhaps you might betray me, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Never—by the honour of a man!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Pray don't swear by that, sir! for, then, you'll betray me, +I'm certain.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Have you ever suffered from treachery, then, poor +innocence?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> And may not one of your own sex have been treacherous to +you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> No, sir; I'm very sure he was a man.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Oh, the blackguard!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Hold your tongue, do!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Listen to me, child. I would proffer you friendship, for +your own sake—for the sake of benevolence. When ages, indeed, are +nearly equal, nature is prone to breathe so warmly on the blossoms +of a friendship between the sexes, that the fruit is desire; but +time, fair one, is scattering snow on my temples, while Hebe waves +her freshest ringlets over yours. Rely, then, on one who has +numbered years sufficient to correct his passions; who has +encountered difficulties enough to teach him sympathy; and who would +stretch forth his hand to a wandering female, and shelter her like a +father.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Oh, sir! I do want protection sadly indeed! I am very +miserable!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Weeping.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Come, do not droop. The cause of your distress, perhaps, is +trifling; but, light gales of adversity will make women weep. A +woman's tear falls like the dew that zephyrs shake from roses.—Nay, +confide in me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I will, sir; but——</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Looking round.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Leave us a little, honest friends.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A hem!—Come, Mrs. Brulgruddery! let you and I pair off, +my lambkin!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Going.</i>] Ah! she's no better than she should be, I'll +warrant her.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> By the powers, she's well enough though, for all that.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Brul</span>. <i>into the House.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Now, sweet one, your name?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Mary, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> What else?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Don't ask me that, sir: my poor father might be sorry it was +mentioned, now.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Have you quitted your father, then?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I left his house at day-break, this morning, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> What is he?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> A tradesman in the neighbouring town, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Is he aware of your departure?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> No, sir,</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> And your mother—?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I was very little, when she died, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Has your father, since her death, treated you with cruelty?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> He? Oh, bless him! no! he is the kindest father that ever +breathed, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> How must such a father be agonized by the loss of his +child!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Pray, sir, don't talk of that!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Why did you fly from him?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Sir, I——I——but that's my story, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Relate it, then.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes, sir.—You must know, then, sir, that—there was a young +gentleman in this neighbourhood, that—O dear, sir, I'm quite +ashamed!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Come, child, I will relieve you from the embarrassment of +narration, and sum up your history in one word;—love.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> That's the beginning of it, sir; but a great deal happen'd +afterwards.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> And who is the hero of your story, my poor girl?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> The hero of——? O, I understand—he is much above me in +fortune, sir. To be sure, I should have thought of that, before he +got such power over my heart, to make me so wretched, now he has +deserted me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> He would have thought of that, had his own heart been +generous.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> He is reckon'd very generous, sir; he can afford to be so. +When the old gentleman dies, he will have all the great family +estate. I am going to the house, now, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> For what purpose?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> To try if I can see him for the last time, sir: to tell him +I shall always pray for his happiness, when I am far away from a +place which he has made it misery for me to abide in;—and to beg +him to give me a little supply of money, now I am pennyless, and +from home, to help me to London; where I may get into service, and +nobody will know me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> And what are his reasons, child, for thus deserting you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> He sent me his reasons, by letter, yesterday, sir. He is to +be married next week, to a lady of high fortune. His father, he +says, insists upon it. I know I am born below him; but after the +oaths we plighted, Heaven knows, the news was a sad, sad shock to +me! I did not close my eyes last night; my poor brain was burning; +and, as soon as day broke, I left the house of my dear father, whom +I should tremble to look at, when he discover'd my story;—which I +could not long conceal from him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Poor, lovely, heart-bruised wanderer! O wealthy despoilers +of humble innocence! splendid murderers of virtue; who make your +vice your boast, and fancy female ruin a feather in your caps of +vanity—single out a victim you have abandoned, and, in your hours +of death, contemplate her!—view her, care-worn, friendless, +pennyless;—hear her tale of sorrows, fraught with her remorse,—her +want,—a hard world's scoffs, her parents' anguish;—then, if ye +dare, look inward upon your own bosoms; and if they be not +conscience proof what must be your compunctions!—Who is his father, +child?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Sir Simon Rochdale, sir, of the Manor-house, hard by.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>Surprised.</i>] Indeed!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Perhaps you know him, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I have heard of him;—and, on your account, shall visit +him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Oh, pray, sir, take care what you do! if you should bring +his son into trouble, by mentioning me, I should never, never +forgive myself.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Trust to my caution.—Promise only to remain at this house, +till I return from a business which calls me, immediately, two miles +hence; I will hurry back to pursue measures for your welfare, with +more hope of success, than your own weak means, poor simplicity, +are likely to effect. What say you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I hardly know what to say, sir—you seem good,—and I am +little able to help myself.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> You consent, then?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>Calling.</i>] Landlord!</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>, <i>from the Door of the House</i>—<span class="smcap">Mrs. + Brulgruddery</span> <i>following.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Did you call, sir?—Arrah, now, Mrs. Brulgruddery, you are +peeping after the young woman yourself.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I chuse it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Prepare your room, good folks; and get the best +accommodation you can for this young person.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That I will, with all my heart and soul, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Sulkily.</i>] I don't know that we have any room at all, +for my part.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Whew! She's in her tantrums.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> People of repute can't let in young women (found upon a +heath, forsooth), without knowing who's who. I have learn'd the ways +of the world, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> So it seems:—which too often teach you to over-rate the +little good you can do in it: and to shut the door when the +distressed entreat you to throw it open. But I have learnt the ways +of the world too. [<i>Taking out his Purse.</i>] I shall return in a few +hours. Provide all the comforts you can; and here are a couple of +guineas, to send for any refreshments you have not in the house.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Giving Money.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Mighty pretty handsel for the Red Cow, my lambkin!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> A couple of guineas! Lord, sir! if I thought you had +been such a gentleman!—Pray, miss, walk in! your poor dear, little +feet must be quite wet with our nasty roads. I beg pardon, sir; but +character's every thing in our business; and I never lose sight of +my own credit.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That you don't—till you see other people's ready money.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Go in, child. I shall soon be with you again.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> You <i>will</i> return, then, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Speedily. Rely on me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I shall, sir;—I am sure I may. Heaven bless you, sir!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> This way, miss; this way!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Courtesying.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Landlady</span>, <i>into the House.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Long life to your honour, for protecting the petticoats! +sweet creatures! I'd like to protect them myself, by bushels.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Can you get me a guide, friend, to conduct me to Penzance?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Get you a guide! There's Dan, my servant, shall skip +before you over the bogs, like a grasshopper. Oh, by the powers! my +heart's full to see your generosity, and I owe you a favour in +return:—never you call for any of my beer, till I get a fresh tap.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit into the House.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Now for my friend, Thornberry; then hither again, to +interest myself in the cause of this unfortunate: for which many +would call me Quixote; many would cant out "shame!" but I care not +for the stoics, nor the puritans. Genuine nature and unsophisticated +morality, that turn disgusted from the rooted adepts in vice, have +ever a reclaiming tear to shed on the children of error. Then, let +the sterner virtues, that allow no plea for human frailty, stalk on +to paradise without me! The mild associate of my journey thither +shall be charity:—and my pilgrimage to the shrine of mercy will +not, I trust, be worse performed for having aided the weak, on my +way, who have stumbled in their progress.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>, <i>from the House.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> I be ready, zur.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> For what, friend?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Measter says you be a-going to Penzance; if you be agreeable, +I'll keep you company.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Oh—the guide. You belong to the house?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Ees, zur; Ise enow to do: I be head waiter and hostler:—only +we never have no horses, nor customers.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> The path I fancy, is difficult to find. Do you never +deviate?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na, zur,—I always whistles.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Come on, friend.—It seems a dreary rout: but how cheerily +the eye glances over a sterile tract, when the habitation of a +benefactor, whom we are approaching to requite, lies in the +perspective!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + + +<h2>ACT THE SECOND.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>A Library in the House of</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale</span>; <i>Books + scattered on a Writing Table.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Shuffleton</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No body up yet? I thought so.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Servant</span>. </p> + +<p>Ah, John, is it you? How d'ye do, John?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Thank your honour, I——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes, you look so. Sir Simon Rochdale in bed? Mr. Rochdale +not risen? Well! no matter; I have travelled all night, though, to +be with them. How are they?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Sir, they are both——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I'm glad to hear it. Pay the postboy for me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Yes, sir. I beg pardon, sir; but when your honour last left +us——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Owed you three pound five. I remember: have you down in my +memorandums—Honourable Tom Shuffleton debtor to—— What's your +name?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> My christian name, sir, is——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Muggins—I recollect. Pay the postboy, Muggins. And, +harkye, take particular care of the chaise: I borrowed it of my +friend, Bobby Fungus, who sprang up a peer, in the last bundle of +Barons: if a single knob is knocked out of his new coronets, he'll +make me a sharper speech than ever he'll produce in parliament. And, +John!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Sir!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> What was I going to say?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Indeed, sir, I can't tell.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No more can I. 'Tis the fashion to be absent—that's the +way I forgot your little bill. There, run along. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>.] I've +the whirl of Bobby's chaise in my head still. Cursed fatiguing, +posting all night, through Cornish roads, to obey the summons of +friendship! Convenient, in some respects, for all that. If all +loungers, of slender revenues, like mine, could command a constant +succession of invitations, from men of estates in the country, how +amazingly it would tend to the thinning of Bond Street! [<i>Throws +himself into a Chair near the Writing Table.</i>] Let me see—what has +Sir Simon been reading?—"Burn's Justice"—true; the old man's +reckoned the ablest magistrate in the county. he hasn't cut open the +leaves, I see. "Chesterfield's Letters"—pooh! his system of +education is extinct: Belcher and the Butcher have superseded it. +"Clarendon's History of——."</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Ah, my dear Tom Shuffleton!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Baronet! how are you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Such expedition is kind now! You got my letter at Bath, +and——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Saw it was pressing:—here I am. Cut all my engagements for +you, and came off like a shot.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Thank you: thank you, heartily!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Left every thing at sixes and sevens.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Gad, I'm sorry if——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Don't apologize;—nobody does, now. Left all my bills, in +the place, unpaid.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Bless me! I've made it monstrous inconvenient!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Not a bit—I give you my honour, I did'nt find it +inconvenient at all. How is Frank Rochdale?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why, my son is'nt up yet; and before he's stirring, do +let me talk to you, my dear Tom Shuffleton! I have something near my +heart, that—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Don't talk about your heart, Baronet;—feeling's quite out +of fashion.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Well, then, I'm interested in——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Aye, stick to that. We make a joke of the heart, +now-a-days; but when a man mentions his interest, we know he's in +earnest.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Zounds! I am in earnest. Let me speak, and call my +motives what you will.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Speak—but don't be in a passion. We are always cool at the +clubs: the constant habit of ruining one another, teaches us temper. +Explain.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Well, I will. You know, my dear Tom, how much I admire +your proficiency in the New school of breeding;—you are, what I +call, one of the highest finished fellows of the present day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Psha! Baronet; you flatter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> No, I don't; only in extolling the merits of the newest +fashion'd manners and morals, I am sometimes puzzled, by the plain +gentlemen, who listen to me, here in the country, most consumedly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I don't doubt it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why, 'twas but t'other morning, I was haranguing old +Sir Noah Starchington, in my library, and explaining to him the +shining qualities of a dasher, of the year eighteen hundred and +three; and what do you think he did?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Fell asleep.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> No; he pull'd down an English dictionary; when (if +you'll believe me! he found my definition of stylish living, under +the word "insolvency;" a fighting crop turn'd out a "dock'd bull +dog;" and modern gallantry, "adultery and seduction."</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Noah Starchington is a damn'd old twaddler.—But the fact +is, Baronet, we improve. We have voted many qualities to be virtues, +now, that they never thought of calling virtues formerly. The rising +generation wants a new dictionary, damnably.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Deplorably, indeed! You can't think, my dear Tom, what +a scurvy figure you, and the dashing fellows of your kidney, make in +the old ones. But you have great influence over my son Frank; and +want you to exert it. You are his intimate—you come here, and pass +two or three months at a time, you know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes—this is a pleasant house.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> You ride his horses, as if they were your own.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes—he keeps a good stable.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> You drink our claret with him, till his head aches.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Your's is famous claret, Baronet.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> You worm out his secrets: you win his money; you——. +In short, you are——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> His friend, according to the next new dictionary. That's +what you mean, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Exactly.—But, let me explain. Frank, if he doesn't +play the fool, and spoil all, is going to be married.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> To how much?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Damn it, now, how like a modern man of the world that +is! Formerly they would have asked to who.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> We never do, now;—fortune's every thing. We say, "a good +match," at the west end of the town, as they say "a good man," in +the city;—the phrase refers merely to money. Is she rich?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Four thousand a-year.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> What a devilish desirable woman! Frank's a happy dog!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> He's a miserable puppy. He has no more notion, my dear +Tom, of a modern "good match," than Eve had of pin money.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> What are his objections to it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I have smoked him; but he doesn't know that;—a silly, +sly amour, in another quarter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> An amour! That's a very unfashionable reason for declining +matrimony.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> You know his romantic flights. The blockhead, I +believe, is so attach'd, I shou'dn't wonder if he flew off at a +tangent, and married the girl that has bewitch'd him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Who is she?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> She—hem!—she lives with her father, in Penzance.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> And who is he?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> He——upon my soul I'm asham'd to tell you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Don't be asham'd; we never blush at any thing, in the New +School.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Damn me, my dear Tom, if he isn't a brazier!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> The devil!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> A dealer in kitchen candlesticks, coal skuttles, +coppers, and cauldrons.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> And is the girl pretty?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> So they tell me;—a plump little devil, as round as a +tea kettle.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I'll be after the brazier's daughter, to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> But you have weight with him. Talk to him, my dear +Tom—reason with him; try your power, Tom, do!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I don't much like plotting with the father against the +son—that's reversing the New School, Baronet.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> But it will serve Frank: it will serve me, who wish to +serve you. And to prove that I do wish it, I have been keeping +something in embryo for you, my dear Tom Shuffleton, against your +arrival.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> For me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> When you were last leaving us, if you recollect, you +mention'd, in a kind of a way, a—a sort of an intention of a loan, +of an odd five hundred pounds.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Did I? I believe I might.—When I intend to raise money, I +always give my friends the preference.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I told you I was out of cash then, I remember.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes: that's just what I told you, I remember.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I have the sum floating by me, now, and much at your +service.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Presenting it.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Why, as it's lying idle, Baronet, I—I—don't much care if +I employ it.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Taking it.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Use your interest with Frank, now.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Rely on me.—Shall I give you my note?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> No, my dear Tom, that's an unnecessary trouble.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Why that's true—with one who knows me so well as you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Your verbal promise to pay, is quite as good.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I'll see if Frank's stirring.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> And I must talk to my steward.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Baronet!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> [<i>Returning.</i>] Eh?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Pray, do you employ the phrase, "verbal promise to pay," +according to the reading of old dictionaries, or as it's the fashion +to use it at present.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Oh, damn it, chuse your own reading, and I'm content. +</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SCENE II.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>A Dressing Room.</i></p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span> <i>writing;</i> <span class="smcap">Williams</span> <i>attending.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Throwing down the Pen.</i>] It don't signify—I cannot +write. I blot, and tear; and tear, and blot; and——. Come here, +Williams. Do let me hear you, once more. Why the devil don't you +come here?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Williams.</i> I am here, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Well, well; my good fellow, tell me. You found means to +deliver her the letter yesterday?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Williams.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> And, she read it——and——did you say, she—she was very +much affected, when she read it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Williams.</i> I told you last night, sir;—she look'd quite death +struck, as I may say.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Much affected.</i>] Did——did she weep, Williams?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Williams.</i> No, sir; but I did afterwards—I don't know what ail'd +me; but, when I got out of the house, into the street, I'll be +hang'd if I did'nt cry like a child.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> You are an honest fellow, Williams. [<i>A Knock at the Door +of the Room.</i>] See who is at the door.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<span class="smcap">Williams</span> <i>opens the Door.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Williams.</i> Well, what's the matter?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> There's a man in the porter's lodge, says he won't go away +without speaking to Mr. Francis.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> See who it is, Williams. Send him to me, if necessary; but +don't let me be teased, without occasion.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Williams.</i> I'll take care, sir.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Williams</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Must I marry this woman, whom my father has chosen for me; +whom I expect here to-morrow? And must I, then, be told 'tis +criminal to love my poor, deserted Mary, because our hearts are +illicitly attach'd? Illicit for the heart? fine phraseology! Nature +disowns the restriction; I cannot smother her dictates with the +polity of governments, and fall in, or out of love, as the law +directs.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span>. </p> + +<p>Well, friend, who do you come from?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I come from the Red Cow, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> The Red Cow?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Yes, sir!—upon Muckslush Heath—hard by your honour's +father's house, here. I'd be proud of your custom, sir, and all the +good looking family's.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Impatiently.</i>] Well, well, your business?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That's what the porter ax'd me, "Tell me your business, +honest man," says he—"I'll see you damn'd first, sir," says +I:—"I'll tell it your betters;—and that's Mr. Francis Rochdale, +Esquire."</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Zounds! then, why don't you tell it? I am Mr. Francis +Rochdale.—Who the devil sent you here?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Troth, sir, it was good nature whisper'd me to come to +your honour: but I believe I've disremembered her directions, for +damn the bit do you seem acquainted with her.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Well, my good friend, I don't mean to be violent; only be +so good as to explain your business.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Oh, with all the pleasure in life.—Give me good words, +and I'm as aisy as an ould glove: but bite my nose off with mustard, +and have at you with pepper,—that's my way.—There's a little +crature at my house;—she's crying her eyes out;—and she won't get +such another pair at the Red Cow; for I've left nobody with her but +Mrs. Brulgruddery.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> With her? with who? Who are you talking off?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I'd like to know her name myself, sir;—but I have heard +but half of it;—and that's Mary.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Mary!—Can it be she?—Wandering on a heath! seeking refuge +in a wretched hovel!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A hovel! O fie for shame of yourself, to misbecall a +genteel tavern! I'd have you to know my parlour is clean sanded once +a week.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Tell me, directly—what brought her to your house?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> By my soul, it was Adam's own carriage: a ten-toed machine +the haymakers keep in Ireland.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Damn it, fellow, don't trifle, but tell your story; and, if +you can, intelligibly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Don't be bothering my brains, then, or you'll get it as +clear as mud. Sure the young crature can't fly away from the Red +Cow, while I'm explaining to you the rights on't—Didn't she +promise the gentleman to stay till he came back?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Promised a gentleman!—Who?—who is the gentleman?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Arrah, now, where did you larn manners? Would you ax a +customer his birth, parentage, and education? "Heaven bless you, +sir, you'll come back again?" says she—"That's what I will, before +you can say, parsnips, my darling," says he.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Damnation! what does this mean?—explain your errand, +clearly, you scoundrel, or—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Scoundrel!—Don't be after affronting a housekeeper. +Havn't I a sign at my door, three pigs, a wife, and a man sarvant?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Well, go on.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Damn the word more will I tell you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Why, you infernal——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Oh, be asy!—see what you get, now, by affronting Mr. +Dennis Brulgruddery. [<i>Searching his Pockets.</i>] I'd have talk'd for +an hour, if you had kept a civil tongue in your head!—but now, you +may read the letter.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Giving it.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> A letter!—stupid booby!—why didn't you give it to me at +first?—Yes, it is her hand.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Opens the Letter.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Stupid!—If you're so fond of letters, you might larn to +behave yourself to the postman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Reading and agitated.</i>]—<i>Not going to upbraid +you—Couldn't rest at my father's—Trifling assistance</i>—Oh, Heaven! +does she then want assistance?—<i>The gentleman who has befriended +me</i>—damnation!—the gentleman!—<i>Your unhappy Mary.</i>—Scoundrel +that I am!—what is she suffering!—but who, who is this +gentleman?—no matter—she is distress'd, heart breaking! and I, who +have been the cause;—I, who——here——[<i>Running to a Writing +Table, and opening a Drawer</i>] Run—fly—despatch!—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> He's mad!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Say, I will be at your house, myself—remember, positively +come, or send, in the course of the day.—In the mean time, take +this, and give it to the person who sent you.</p> + +<p class="stage-right"><i>Giving a Purse, which he has taken from the Drawer.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A purse!—'faith, and I'll take it.—Do you know how much +is in the inside?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Psha! no.—No matter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Troth, now, if I'd trusted a great big purse to a +stranger, they'd have call'd it a bit of a bull:—but let you and I +count it out between us, [<i>Pouring the Money on the Table.</i>] for, +damn him, say I, who would cheat a poor girl in distress, of the +value of a rap.—One, two, three, &c.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Counting.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Worthy, honest fellow!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Eleven, twelve, thirteen—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I'll be the making of your house, my good fellow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Damn the Red Cow, sir,—you put me out.—Seventeen, +eighteen, nineteen.—Nineteen fat yellow boys, and a seven shilling +piece.—Tell them yourself, sir; then chalk them up over the +chimney-piece, else you'll forget, you know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> O, friend, when honesty, so palpably natural as yours, +keeps the account, I care not for my arithmetic.—Fly now,—bid the +servants give you any refreshment you chuse; then hasten to execute +your commission.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Thank your honour!—good luck to you! I'll taste the +beer;—but, by my soul, if the butler comes the Red Cow over me, +I'll tell him, I know sweet from sour.</p> + +<p class="stage-right"><i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Let me read her letter once more.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Reads.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue-2"><i>I am not going to upbraid you; but after I got your letter, I could +not rest at my father's, where I once knew happiness and +innocence.—I wish'd to have taken a last leave of you, and to beg a +trifling assistance;—but the gentleman who has befriended me in my +wanderings, would not suffer me to do so; yet I could not help +writing, to tell you, I am quitting this neighbourhood for +ever!—That you may never know a moment's sorrow, will always be the +prayer of</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue-2"><i>Your unhappy</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue-2"><span class="smcap">Mary</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue-2">My mind is hell to me! love, sorrow, remorse, and—yes—and +jealousy, all distract me:—and no counsellor to advise with; no +friend to whom I may—</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Shuffleton</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Tom Shuffleton! you never arrived more apropos in your +life.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That's what the women always say to me. I've rumbled on the +road, all night, Frank. My bones ache, my head's muzzy—and we'll +drink two bottles of claret a-piece, after dinner, to enliven us.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> You seem in spirits, Tom, I think, now.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes;—I have had a windfall—Five hundred pounds.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> A legacy?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No.—The patient survives who was sick of his money. 'Tis a +loan from a friend.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> 'Twould be a pity, then, Tom, if the patient experienced +improper treatment.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Why, that's true:—but his case is so rare, that it isn't +well understood, I believe. Curse me, my dear Frank, if the disease +of lending is epidemic.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> But the disease of trying to borrow, my dear Tom, I am +afraid, is.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Very prevalent, indeed, at the west end of the town.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> And as dangerous, Tom, as the small-pox. They should +inoculate for it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That wouldn't be a bad scheme; but I took it naturally. +Psha! damn it, don't shake your head. Mine's but a mere <i>façon de +parler</i>: just as we talk to one another about our coats:—we never +say, "Who's your tailor?" We always ask, "Who suffers?" Your father +tells me you are going to be married; I give you joy.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Joy! I have known nothing but torment, and misery, since +this cursed marriage has been in agitation.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Umph! Marriage was a weighty affair, formerly; so was a +family coach;—but domestic duties, now, are like town +chariots;—they must be made light, to be fashionable.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Oh, do not trifle. By acceding to this match, in obedience +to my father, I leave to all the pangs of remorse, and disappointed +love, a helpless, humble girl, and rend the fibres of a generous, +but too credulous heart, by cancelling like a villain, the oaths +with which I won it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I understand:—A snug thing in the country.—Your wife, +they tell me, will have four thousand a year.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> What has that to do with sentiment?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I don't know what you may think; but, if a man said to me, +plump, "Sir, I am very fond of four thousand a year;" I should +say,—"Sir, I applaud your sentiment very highly."</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> But how does he act, who offers his hand to one woman, at +the very moment his heart is engaged to another?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> He offers a great sacrifice.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> And where is the reparation to the unfortunate he has +deserted?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> An annuity.—A great many unfortunates sport a stylish +carriage, up and down St. James's street, upon such a provision.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> An annuity, flowing from the fortune, I suppose, of the +woman I marry! is that delicate?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> 'Tis convenient. We liquidate debts of play, and usury, +from the same resources.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> And call a crowd of jews and gentlemen gamesters together, +to be settled with, during the debtor's honeymoon!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No, damn it, it wouldn't be fair to jumble the jews into +the same room with our gaming acquaintance.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Why so?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Because, twenty to one, the first half of the creditors +would begin dunning the other.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Nay, far once in your life be serious. Read this, which has +wrung my heart, and repose it, as a secret, in your own.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Giving the Letter.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Glancing over it.</i>] A pretty, little, crowquill kind of a +hand.—<i>"Happiness,—innocence,—trifling assistance—gentleman +befriended me—unhappy Mary."</i>—Yes, I see—[<i>Returning it.</i>]—She +wants money, but has got a new friend.—The style's neat, but the +subject isn't original.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Will you serve me at this crisis?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Certainly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I wish you to see my poor Mary in the course of the day. +Will you talk to her?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> O yes—I'll talk to her. Where is she to be seen?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> She writes, you see, that she has abruptly left her +father—and I learn, by the messenger, that she is now in a +miserable, retired house, on the neighbouring heath.—That mustn't +deter you from going.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Me? Oh, dear no—I'm used to it. I don't care how retired +the house is.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Come down to my father to breakfast. I will tell you +afterwards all I wish you to execute.—Oh, Tom! this business has +unhinged me for society. Rigid morality, after all, is the best coat +of mail for the conscience.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Our ancestors, who wore mail, admired it amazingly; but to +mix in the gay world, with their rigid morality, would be as +singular as stalking into a drawing-room in their armour:—for +dissipation is now the fashionable habit, with which, like a brown +coat, a man goes into company, to avoid being stared at.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SCENE III.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>An Apartment in</i> <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry's</span> <i>House.</i></p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span>, <i>in a Night Gown, and</i> <span class="smcap">Bur</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Don't take on so—don't you, now! pray, listen to reason.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I won't.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Pray do!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I won't. Reason bid me love my child, and help my +friend:—what's the consequence? my friend has run one way, and +broke up my trade; my daughter has run another, and broke my——No, +she shall never have it to say she broke my heart. If I hang myself +for grief, she shan't know she made me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Well, but, master—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> And reason told me to take you into my shop, when the fat +church wardens starved you at the workhouse,—damn their want of +feeling for it!—and you were thump'd about, a poor, unoffending, +ragged-rump'd boy, as you were—I wonder you hav'n't run away from +me too.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> That's the first real unkind word you ever said to me. I've +sprinkled your shop two-and-twenty years, and never miss'd a +morning.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> The bailiffs are below, clearing the goods: you won't have +the trouble any longer.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Trouble! Lookye, old Job Thornberry—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Well! What, you are going to be saucy to me, now I'm ruin'd?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Don't say one cutting thing after another.—You have been as +noted, all round our town, for being a kind man, as being a blunt +one.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Blunt or sharp, I've been honest. Let them look at my +ledger—they'll find it right. I began upon a little; I made that +little great, by industry; I never cringed to a customer, to get him +into my books, that I might hamper him with an overcharged bill, for +long credit; I earn'd my fair profits; I paid my fair way; I break +by the treachery of a friend, and my first dividend will be +seventeen shillings in the pound. I wish every tradesman in England +may clap his hand on his heart, and say as much, when he asks a +creditor to sign his certificate.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> 'Twas I kept your ledger, all the time.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I know you did.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> From the time you took me out of the workhouse.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Psha! rot the workhouse!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> You never mention'd it to me yourself till to-day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I said it in a hurry.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> And I've always remember'd it at leisure. I don't want to +brag, but I hope I've been found faithful. It's rather hard to tell +poor John Bur, the workhouse boy, after clothing, feeding, and +making him your man of trust, for two and twenty years, that you +wonder he don't run away from you, now you're in trouble.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Affected.</i>] John—I beg your pardon.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Stretching out his Hand.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> [<i>Taking his Hand.</i>] Don't say a word more about it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Pray, now, master, don't say any more!—Come, be a man! get +on your things; and face the bailiffs that are rummaging the goods.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I can't, John; I can't. My heart's heavier than all the iron +and brass in my shop.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Nay, consider what confusion!—pluck up a courage; do, now!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Well, I'll try.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Aye, that's right: here's your clothes. [<i>Taking them from +the Back of a Chair.</i>] They'll play the devil with all the pots and +pans, if you aren't by.—Why, I warrant you'll do! Bless you, what +should ail you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Ail me? do you go and get a daughter, John Bur; then let her +run away from you, and you'll know what ails me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Come, here's your coat and waistcoat. [<i>Going to help him on +with his Clothes</i>] This is the waistcoat young mistress work'd with +her own hands, for your birth-day, five years ago. Come, get into +it, as quick as you can.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Throwing it on the Floor violently.</i>] I'd as lieve get into +my coffin. She'll have me there soon. Psha! rot it! I'm going to +snivel. Bur, go, and get me another.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Are you sure you won't put it on?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> No, I won't. [<span class="smcap">Bur</span> <i>pauses.</i>] No, I tell you.—</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Bur</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue-2">How proud I was of that waistcoat five years ago!—I little thought +what would happen now, when I sat in it, at the top of my table, +with all my neighbours to celebrate the day;—there was Collop on +one side of me, and his wife on the other; and my daughter Mary sat +at the farther end;—smiling so sweetly;—like an artful, good for +nothing——I shou'dn't like to throw away a waistcoat neither.—I +may as well put it on.—Yes—it would be poor spite not to put it +on. [<i>Putting his Arms into it.</i>]—She's breaking my heart; but, +I'll wear it, I'll wear it. [<i>Buttoning it as he speaks, and crying +involuntarily.</i>] It's my child's—She's +undutiful,—ungrateful,—barbarous,—but she's my child,—and +she'll never work me another.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bur</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Here's another waistcoat, but it has laid by so long, I think +it's damp.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I was thinking so myself, Bur; and so——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Eh—what, you've got on the old one? Well, now, I declare, +I'm glad of that. Here's your coat. [<i>Putting it on him.</i>]—'Sbobs! +this waistcoat feels a little damp, about the top of the bosom.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Confused.</i>] Never mind, Bur, never mind.—A little water +has dropt on it; but it won't give me cold, I believe.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>A noise without.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Bur.</i> Heigh! they are playing up old Harry below! I'll run, and see +what's the matter. Make haste after me, do, now!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Bur</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I don't care for the bankruptcy now. I can face my creditors, +like an honest man; and I can crawl to my grave, afterwards, as poor +as a church-mouse. What does it signify? Job Thornberry has no +reason now to wish himself worth a groat:—the old ironmonger and +brazier has nobody to board his money for now! I was only saving for +my daughter; and she has run away from her doating, foolish +father,—and struck down my heart—flat—flat.—</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue-2">Well, who are you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> A friend.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Then, I'm sorry to see you. I have just been ruin'd by a +friend; and never wish to have another friend again, as long as I +live.—No, nor any ungrateful, undutiful—Poh!—I don't recollect +your face.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Climate, and years, have been at work on it. While +Europeans are scorching under an Indian sun, Time is doubly busy in +fanning their features with his wings. But, do you remember no trace +of me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> No, I tell you. If you have any thing to say, say it. I have +something to settle below with my daughter—I mean, with the people +in the shop;—they are impatient; and the morning has half run away, +before she knew I should be up—I mean, before I have had time to +get on my coat and waistcoat, she gave me—I mean—I mean, if you +have any business, tell it, at once.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I <i>will</i> tell it at once. You seem agitated. The harpies, +whom I pass'd in your shop, inform'd me of your sudden misfortune, +but do not despair yet.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Aye, I'm going to be a bankrupt—but that don't signify. Go +on: it isn't that;—they'll find all fair;—but, go on.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I will. 'Tis just thirty years ago, since I left England.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> That's a little after the time I set up in the hardware +business.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> About that time, a lad of fifteen years entered your shop: +he had the appearance of a gentleman's son; and told you he had +heard, by accident, as he was wandering through the streets of +Penzance, some of your neighbours speak of Job Thornberry's goodness +to persons in distress.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I believe he told a lie there.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Not in that instance, though he did in another.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I remember him. He was a fine, bluff, boy!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> He had lost his parents, he said; and, destitute of +friends, money, and food, was making his way to the next port, to +offer himself to any vessel that would take him on board, that he +might work his way abroad, and seek a livelihood.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Yes, yes; he did. I remember it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> You may remember, too, when the boy had finished his tale +of distress, you put ten guineas in his hand. They were the first +earnings of your trade, you told him, and could not be laid out to +better advantage than in relieving a helpless orphan;—and, giving +him a letter of recommendation to a sea captain at Falmouth, you +wished him good spirits, and prosperity. He left you with a promise, +that, if fortune ever smil'd upon him, you should, one day, hear +news of Peregrine.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Ah, poor fellow! poor Peregrine! he was a pretty boy. I +should like to hear news of him, I own.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I am that Peregrine.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Eh? what—you are—? No: let me look at you again. Are you +the pretty boy, that———bless us, how you are alter'd!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I have endur'd many hardships since I saw you; many turns +of fortune;—but I deceived you (it was the cunning of a truant lad) +when I told you I had lost my parents. From a romantic folly, the +growth of boyish brains, I had fix'd my fancy on being a sailor, and +had run away from my father.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>With great Emotion.</i>] Run away from your father! If I had +known that, I'd have horse-whipp'd you, within an inch of your life!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Had you known it, you had done right, perhaps.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Right? Ah! you don't know what it is for a child to run away +from a father! Rot me, if I wou'dn't have sent you back to him, +tied, neck and heels, in the basket of the stage coach.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I have had my compunctions;—have express'd them by letter +to my father: but I fear my penitence had no effect.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Served you right.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Having no answers from him, he died, I fear, without +forgiving me.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Sighing.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Starting.</i>] What! died! without forgiving his child!—Come, +that's too much. I cou'dn't have done that, neither.—But, go on: I +hope you've been prosperous. But you shou'dn't—you shou'dn't have +quitted your father.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I acknowledge it;—yet, I have seen prosperity; though I +traversed many countries, on my outset, in pain and poverty. Chance, +at length, raised me a friend in India; by whose interest, and my +own industry, I amass'd considerable wealth, in the Factory at +Calcutta.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> And have just landed it, I suppose, in England.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I landed one hundred pounds, last night, in my purse, as I +swam from the Indiaman, which was splitting on a rock, half a league +from the neighbouring shore. As for the rest of my property—bills, +bonds, cash, jewels—the whole amount of my toil and application, +are, by this time, I doubt not, gone to the bottom; and Peregrine is +returned, after thirty years, to pay his debt to you, almost as poor +as he left you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I won't touch a penny of your hundred pounds—not a penny.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I do not desire you: I only desire you to take your own.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> My own?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Yes; I plunged with this box, last night, into the waves. +You see, it has your name on it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> "Job Thornberry," sure enough. And what's in it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> The harvest of a kind man's charity!—the produce of your +bounty to one, whom you thought an orphan. I have traded, these +twenty years, on ten guineas (which, from the first, I had set apart +as yours), till they have become ten thousand: take it; it could +not, I find, come more opportunely. Your honest heart gratified +itself in administering to my need; and I experience that burst of +pleasure, a grateful man enjoys, in relieving my reliever.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Giving him the Box.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Squeezes</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine's</span> <i>Hand, returns the Box, and seems +almost unable to utter.</i>] Take it again.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Why do you reject it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I'll tell you, as soon as I'm able. T'other day, I lent a +friend——Pshaw, rot it! I'm an old fool! [<i>Wiping his Eyes.</i>]—I +lent a friend, t'other day, the whole profits of my trade, to save +him from sinking. He walk'd off with them, and made me a bankrupt. +Don't you think he is a rascal?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Decidedly so.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> And what should I be, if I took all you have saved in the +world, and left you to shift for yourself?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> But the case is different. This money is, in fact, your +own. I am inur'd to hardships; better able to bear them, and am +younger than you. Perhaps, too, I still have prospects of——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I won't take it. I'm as thankful to you, as if I left you to +starve: but I won't take it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Remember, too, you have claims upon you, which I have not. +My guide, as I came hither, said, you had married in my absence: +'tis true, he told me you were now a widower; but, it seems, you +have a daughter to provide for.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I have no daughter to provide for now!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Then he misinform'd me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> No, he didn't. I had one last night; but she's gone.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Gone!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Yes; gone to sea, for what I know, as you did. Run away from +a good father, as you did.—This is a morning to remember;—my +daughter has run out, and the bailiffs have run in;—I shan't soon +forget the day of the month.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> This morning, did you say?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Aye, before day-break;—a hard-hearted, base——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> And could she leave you, during the derangement of your +affairs?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> She did'nt know what was going to happen, poor soul! I wish +she had now. I don't think my Mary would have left her old father in +the midst of his misfortunes.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] Mary! it must be she! What is the amount of the +demands upon you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Six thousand. But I don't mind that: the goods can nearly +cover it—let 'em take 'em—damn the gridirons and warming-pans!—I +could begin again—but, now, my Mary's gone, I hav'n't the heart; +but I shall hit upon something.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Let me make a proposal to you, my old friend. Permit me to +settle with the officers, and to clear all demands upon you. Make it +a debt, if you please. I will have a hold, if it must be so, on your +future profits in trade; but do this, and I promise to restore your +daughter to you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> What? bring back my child! Do you know where she is? Is she +safe? Is she far off? Is——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Will you receive the money?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Yes, yes; on those terms—on those conditions. But where is +Mary?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Patience. I must not tell you yet; but, in four-and-twenty +hours, I pledge myself to bring her back to you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> What, here? to her father's house? and safe? Oh, 'sbud! when +I see her safe, what a thundering passion I'll be in with her! But +you are not deceiving me? You know, the first time you came into my +shop, what a bouncer you told me, when you were a boy.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Believe me, I would not trifle with you now. Come, come +down to your shop, that we may rid it of its present visitants.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I believe you dropt from the clouds, all on a sudden, to +comfort an old, broken-hearted brazier.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I rejoice, my honest friend, that I arrived at so critical +a juncture; and, if the hand of Providence be in it, 'tis because +Heaven ordains, that benevolent actions, like yours, sooner or +later, must ever meet their recompense.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + + +<h2>ACT THE THIRD.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.</h3> + + +<p class="stage-center"><span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale's</span> <i>Library.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale</span> <i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Earl of Fitz Balaam</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Believe me, my lord, the man I wish'd most to meet in +my library this morning, was the Earl of Fitz Balaam.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> Thank you, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Your arrival, a day before your promise, gives us such +convenient leisure to talk over the arrangements, relative to the +marriage of Lady Caroline Braymore, your lordship's daughter, with +my son.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> True, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Then, while Lady Caroline is at her toilet, we'll dash +into business at once; for I know your lordship is a man of few +words. They tell me, my lord, you have sat in the Upper House, and +said nothing but aye and no, there, for these thirty years.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> I spoke, for more than a minute, in the year of the +influenza.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Bless me! the epidemic, perhaps, raging among the +members, at the moment.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> Yes;—they cough'd so loud, I left off in the middle.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> And you never attempted again.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> I hate to talk much, Sir Simon;—'tis my way; though +several don't like it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I do. I consider it as a mark of your lordship's +discretion. The less you say, my lord, in my mind, the wiser you +are; and I have often thought it a pity, that some noble orators +hav'n't follow'd your lordship's example.—But, here are the +writings. [<i>Sitting down with</i> <span class="smcap">Lord Fitz Balaam</span>, <i>and taking them +from the Table.</i>] We must wave ceremony now, my lord; for all this +pile of parchment is built on the independent four thousand a year +of your daughter, Lady Caroline, on one hand, and your lordship's +incumbrances, on the other.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> I have saddles on my property, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir. Simon.</i> Which saddles, your lordship's property being +uncommonly small, look something like sixteen stone upon a poney. +The Fitz Balaam estate, for an earl, is deplorably narrow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> Yet, it has given security for a large debt.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Large, indeed! I can't think how you have contriv'd it. +'Tis the Archbishop of Brobdignag, squeez'd into Tom Thumb's +pantaloons.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> Mine is the oldest estate in England, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> If we may judge of age by decay, my lord, it must be +very ancient, indeed!—But this goes to something in the shape of +supplies. [<i>Untying the Papers.</i>] "Covenant between Augustus Julius +Braymore, Earl of Fitz Balaam, of Cullender Castle, in the county of +Cumberland, and Simon Rochdale, Baronet, of Hollyhock House, in the +county of Cornwall."——By the by, my lord, considering what an +expense attends that castle, which is at your own disposal, and +that, if the auctioneer don't soon knock it down, the weather will, +I wonder what has prevented your lordship's bringing it to the +hammer.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> The dignity of my ancestors. I have blood in my family, +Sir Simon——</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Proudly.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> A deal of excellent blood, my lord; but from the butler +down to the house-dog, curse me if ever I saw so little flesh in a +family before—But by this covenant——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> You clear off the largest mortgage.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Right;—for which purpose, on the day of the young +folks' marriage——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> You must pay me forty thousand pounds.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Right, again. Your lordship says little; but 'tis +terribly plump to the point, indeed, my lord. Here is the +covenant;—and, now, will your lordship look over the marriage +articles?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> My attorney will be here to-morrow, Sir Simon. I prefer +reading by deputy.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Both rise.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Many people of rank read in the same way, my lord. And +your lordship will receive the forty thousand pounds, I am to pay +you, by deputy also, I suppose.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> I seldom swear, Sir Simon; but, damn me if I will.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I believe you are right. Yet there are but two reasons +for not trusting an attorney with your money:—one is, when you +don't know him very well; and the other is, when you do.—And now, +since the marriage is concluded, as I may say, in the families, may +I take the liberty to ask, my lord, what sort of a wife my son +Frank may expect in Lady Caroline? Frank is rather of a grave, +domestic turn: Lady Caroline, it seems, has passed the three last +winters in London. Did her ladyship enter into <i>all</i> the spirit of +the first circles?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> She was as gay as a lark, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Was she like the lark in her hours, my lord?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> A great deal more like the owl, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I thought so. Frank's mornings in London will begin +where her ladyship's nights finish. But his case won't be very +singular. Many couples make the marriage bed a kind of cold +matrimonial well; and the two family buckets dip into it +alternately.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Caroline Braymore</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Do I interrupt business?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Not in the least. Pray, Lady Caroline, come in. His +lordship and I have just concluded.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> And I must go and walk my three miles, this morning.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Must you, my lord?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> My physician prescribed it, when I told him I was apt +to be dull, after dinner.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I would attend your lordship;—but since Lady Caroline +favours me with—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> No, no—don't mind me. I assure you, I had much rather +you would go.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Had you?—hum!—but the petticoats have their new +school of good breeding, too, they tell me. [<i>Aside.</i>] Well, we are +gone—we have been glancing over the writings, Lady Caroline, that +form the basis of my son's happiness:—though his lordship isn't +much inclined to read.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> But I am.—I came here to study very deeply, before +dinner.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> What, would your ladyship, then, wish to—</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Showing the Writings.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> To read that? My dear Sir Simon! all that Hebrew, upon +parchment as thick as a board!—I came to see if you had any of the +last novels in your book room.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> The last novels!—most of the female new school are +ghost bitten, they tell me. [<i>Aside.</i>] There's Fielding's Works; and +you'll find Tom Jones, you know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Psha! that's such a hack!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> A hack, Lady Caroline, that the knowing ones have +warranted sound.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> But what do you think of those that have had such a run +lately?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why, I think most of them have run too much, and want +firing.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lord Fitz Balaam</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> I shall die of ennui, in this moping manor house!—Shall +I read to-day?—no, I'll walk.—No, I'll——Yes, I'll read first, +and walk afterwards. [<i>Rings the Bell, and takes a +Book.</i>]—Pope.—Come, as there are no novels, this may be tolerable. +This is the most triste house I ever saw!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Sits down and reads.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span>"In these deep solitudes, and awful cells,<br /></span> +<span>Where heavenly-pensive—"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Robert</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Rob.</i> Did you ring, my lady?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> ——"Contemplation dwells—" Sir? Oh, yes;—I should +like to walk. Is it damp under foot, sir?—"And ever musing—"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Rob.</i> There has been a good deal of rain to-day my lady.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> "Melancholy reigns—"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Rob.</i> My lady—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Pray, sir, look out, and bring me word if it is clean +or dirty.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Rob.</i> Yes, my lady.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> This settling a marriage is a strange business!—"What +means this tumult in a vestal's veins?—"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Without.</i>] Bid the groom lead the horse into the avenue, +and I'll come to him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Company in the house?—some Cornish squire, I suppose.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Resumes her reading.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Shuffleton</span>, <i>speaking while entering,</i> <span class="smcap">John</span> + <i>following.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> [<i>Still reading, and seated with her Back to</i> +<span class="smcap">Shuffleton</span>.]——"Soon as thy letters, trembling, I unclose——"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> What horse will you have saddled, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Slyboots.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> ——"That well known name awakens all my woes—"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Lady Caroline Braymore!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Mr. Shuffleton! Lard! what can bring you into Cornwall?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Sympathy:—which has generally brought me near your +ladyship, in London at least, for these three winters.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Psha! but seriously?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I was summoned by friendship. I am consulted on all +essential points, in this family;—and Frank Rochdale is going to be +married.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Then, you know to whom?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No;—not thinking that an essential point, I forgot to ask. +He kneels at the pedestal of a rich shrine, and I didn't inquire +about the statue. But, dear Lady Caroline, what has brought you into +Cornwall?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Me? I'm the statue.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> You!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Yes; I've walk'd off my pedestal, to be worshipp'd at +the Land's End.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> You to be married to Frank Rochdale! O, Lady Caroline! what +then is to become of <i>me</i>?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Oh, Mr. Shuffleton! not thinking that an essential +point, I forgot to ask.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Psha! now you're laughing at me! but upon my soul, I shall +turn traitor; take advantage of the confidence reposed in me, by my +friend, and endeavour to supplant him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> What do you think the world would call such duplicity of +conduct?</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Robert</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Rob.</i> Very dirty, indeed, my lady.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That infernal footman has been listening!—I'll kick him +round his master's park.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> 'Tis lucky, then, you are booted; for, you hear, he says +it is very dirty there.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Was that the meaning of——Pooh!—but, you see, the—the +surprise—the—the agitation has made me ridiculous.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> I see something has made you ridiculous; but you never +told me what it was before.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Lady Caroline; this is a crisis, that—my attentions,—that +is, the——In short, the world, you know, my dear Lady Caroline, has +given me to you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Why, what a shabby world it is!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> How so?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> To make me a present of something, it sets no value on +itself.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I flattered myself I might not be altogether invaluable to +your ladyship.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> To me! Now, I can't conceive any use I could make of +you. No, positively, you are neither useful nor ornamental.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yet, you were never at an opera, without me at your +elbow;—never in Kensington Gardens, that my horse—the crop, by +the bye, given me by Lord Collarbone,—wasn't constantly in leading +at the gate:—hav'n't you danc'd with me at every ball?—And hav'nt +I, unkind, forgetful, Lady Caroline, even cut the Newmarket +meetings, when you were in London?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Bless me!—these charges are brought in like a bill. "To +attending your ladyship at such a time; to dancing down twenty +couple with your ladyship, at another,"—and, pray, to what do they +all amount?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> The fullest declaration.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Lard, Mr. Shuffleton! why, it has, to be sure, looked +a—a—a little foolish—but you—you never spoke any thing +to——that is—to justify such a——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That's as much as to say, speak now. [<i>Aside.</i>]—To be +plain, Lady Caroline, my friend does not know your value. He has an +excellent heart—but that heart is—[<i>Coughs.</i>] damn the word, it's +so out of fashion, it chokes me! [<i>Aside.</i>] is irrevocably given to +another.—But mine—by this sweet hand, I swear——</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Kneeling and kissing her Hand.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>. </p> + +<p>Well, sir?—</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Rising hastily.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Slyboots, sir, has been down on his knees;—and the groom +says he can't go out.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Let him saddle another.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> What horse, sir, will you——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Psha!—any.—What do you call Mr. Rochdale's favourite, +now.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>John.</i> Traitor, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> When Traitor's in the avenue, I shall be there.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Answer me one question, candidly, and, perhaps, I may +entrust you with a secret.—Is Mr. Rochdale seriously attached?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Very seriously.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Then I won't marry him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That's spirited.—Now, your secret.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Why—perhaps you may have heard, that my father, Lord +Fitz Balaam, is, somehow, so—so much in debt, that—but, no matter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Oh, not at all;—the case is fashionable, with both lords +and commoners.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> But an old maiden aunt, whom, rest her soul! I never +saw, for family pride's sake, bequeathed me an independence. To +obviate his lordship's difficulties, I mean to—to marry into this +humdrum Cornish family.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I see—a sacrifice!—filial piety, and all that—to +disembarrass his lordship. But hadn't your ladyship better—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Marry to disembarrass you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> By my honour, I'm disinterested.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> By my honour, I'm monstrously piqued—and so vex'd, that +I can't read this morning,—nor talk,—nor——I'll walk.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Shall I attend you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> No;—don't fidget at my elbow, as you do at the opera. +But you shall tell me more of this by and by.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> When?—Where?</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Taking her Hand.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Don't torment me.—This evening, or—to-morrow, +perhaps;—in the park,—or——psha! we shall meet at dinner.—Do, +let me go now, for I shall be very bad company.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Kissing her Hand.</i>] Adieu, Lady Caroline!—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Adieu!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> My friend Frank, here, I think, is very much obliged to +me!—I am putting matters pretty well <i>en train</i> to disencumber him +of a wife;—and now I'll canter over the heath, and see what I can +do for him with the brazier's daughter.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SCENE II.</h3> + + +<p class="stage-center"><i>A mean Parlour at the Red Cow.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>A Table—Pen, Ink, and Paper on it.—Chairs.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mary</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Brulgruddery</span> <i>discovered.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Aye, he might have been there, and back, over and over +again;—but my husband's slow enough in his motions, as I tell him, +till I'm tir'd on't.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I hope he'll be here soon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Ods, my little heart! Miss, why so impatient? Hav'n't +you as genteel a parlour as any lady in the land could wish to sit +down in?—The bed's turn'd up in a chest of drawers that's stain'd +to look like mahogany:—there's two poets, and a poll parrot, the +best images the jew had on his head, over the mantlepiece; and was I +to leave you all alone by yourself, isn't there an eight day clock +in the corner, that when one's waiting, lonesome like, for any body, +keeps going tick-tack, and is quite company?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Indeed, I did not mean to complain.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Complain?—No, I think not, indeed!—When, besides +having a handsome house over your head, the strange gentleman has +left two guineas—though one seems light, and t'other looks a little +brummish—to be laid out for you, as I see occasion. I don't say it +for the lucre of any thing I'm to make out of the money, but, I'm +sure you can't want to eat yet.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Not if it gives any trouble;—but I was up before sunrise, +and have tasted nothing to-day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Eh! why, bless me, young woman! ar'n't you well?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I feel very faint.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Aye, this is a faintish time o'year; but I must give +you a little something, I suppose:—I'll open the window, and give +you a little air.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span>, <i>singing, without.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span><i>They handed the whiskey about,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>'Till it smoked thro' the jaws of the piper;</i><br /></span> +<span><i>The bride got a fine copper snout,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>And the clergyman's pimples grew riper.</i><br /></span> +<span class="i6"><i>Whack doodlety bob,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i8"><i>Sing pip.</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> There's your husband!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> There's a hog;—for he's as drunk as one, I know, by +his beastly bawling.</p> + +<p class="stage-right"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span>, <i>singing.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"><i>Whack doodlety bob,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i6"><i>Sing pip.</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> "Sing pip," indeed! sing sot! and that's to your old +tune.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Hav'n't you got an answer?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Hav'n't you got drunk?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Be aisy, and you'll see what I've got in a minute.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Pulls a Bottle from his Pocket.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> What's that?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Good Madeira, it was, when the butler at the big house +gave it me. It jolts so over the heath, if I hadn't held it to my +mouth, I'd have wasted half. [<i>Puts it on the Table.</i>]—There, Miss, +I brought it for you; and I'll get a glass from the cupboard, and a +plate for this paper of sweet cakes, that the gentlefolks eat, after +dinner in the desert.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> But, tell me if—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>Running to the Cupboard.</i>] Eat and drink, my jewel; and +my discourse shall serve for the seasoning. Drink now, my pretty +one! [<i>Fills a Glass.</i>] for you have had nothing, I'll be +bound.—Och, by the powers! I know the ways of ould mother +Brulgruddery.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Old mother Brulgruddery!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Don't mind her;—take your prog;—she'd starve a saint.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I starve a saint!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Let him stop at the Red Cow, as plump as a porker, and +you'd send him away, in a week, like a weasel.—Bite maccaroony, my +darling!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Offering the Plate to</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I thank you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> 'Faith, no merit of mine; 'twas the butler that stole +it:—take some. [<i>Lets the Plate fall.</i>] Slips by St. Patrick!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Screaming.</i>] Our best china plate broke all to +shivers!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Delf, you deceiver; delf. The cat's dining dish, rivetted.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Pray now, let me hear your news.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That I will.—Mrs. Brulgruddery, I take the small liberty +of begging you to get out, my lambkin.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I shan't budge an inch. She needn't be asham'd of any +thing that's to be told, if she's what she should be.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I know what I should be, if I were in your place.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Marry come up! And what should you be then?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> More compassionate to one of my own sex, or to any one in +misfortune. Had you come to me, almost broken hearted, and not +looking like one quite abandoned to wickedness, I should have +thought on your misery, and forgot that it might have been brought +on by your faults.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> At her, my little crature! By my soul, she'll bother the +ould one!—'Faith, the Madeira has done her a deal of service!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> What's to be said, is said before <i>me</i>; and that's +flat.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Do tell it, then, [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>.] but, for others' sakes, +don't mention names. I wish to hide nothing now, on my own account; +though the money that was put down for me, before you would afford +me shelter, I thought might have given me a little more title to +hear a private message.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I've a character, for virtue, to lose, young woman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> When that's gone, you'll get another—that's of a damn'd +impertinent landlady. Sure, she has a right to her parlour; and +hav'n't I brought her cash enough to swallow up the Red Cow's rent +for these two years?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Have you!—Well, though the young lady misunderstands +me, it's always my endeavour to be respectful to gentlefolks.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Och, botheration to the respect that's bought, by knocking +one shilling against another, at an inn! Let the heart keep open +house, I say; and if charity is not seated inside of it, like a +beautiful barmaid, it's all a humbug to stick up the sign of the +christian.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I'm sure Miss shall have any thing she likes, poor dear +thing! There's one chicken—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A chicken!—Fie on your double barbarity! Would you murder +the tough dunghill cock, to choke a customer?—A certain person, +that shall be nameless, will come to you in the course of this day, +either by himself, or by friend, or by handwriting.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> And not one word—not one, by letter, now?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Be asey—won't he be here soon? In the mean time, here's +nineteen guineas, and a seven shilling piece, as a bit of a +postscript.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Nineteen guineas and——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Hold your gab, woman.—Count them, darling!—</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Putting them on the Table</i>—<span class="smcap">Mary</span> <i>counts the Money.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> [<i>Drawing</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span> <i>aside.</i>] What have you done with the +rest?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> The rest!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> Why, have you given her all?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I'll tell you what, Mrs. Brulgruddery; it's my notion, in +summing up your last accounts, that, when you begin to dot, ould +Nick will carry one; and that's yourself, my lambkin.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Without.</i>] Holo? Red Cow!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> You are call'd, Mrs. Brulgruddery.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mrs. Brul.</i> I, you Irish bear!—Go, and [<i>Looking towards the +window.</i>]—Jimminy! a traveller on horseback! and the handsomest +gentleman I ever saw in my life.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Runs out.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Oh, then it must be he!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> No, 'faith, it isn't the young squire.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [<i>Mournfully.</i>] No!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> There—he's got off the outside of his horse: it's that +flashy spark I saw crossing the court yard, at the big house.—Here +he is.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Shuffleton</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>.] Devilish good-looking girl, upon my +soul! [<i>Sees</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>.] Who's that fellow?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Welcome to Muckslush Heath, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Pray, sir, have you any business, here?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Very little this last week, your honour.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> O, the landlord. Leave the room.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] Manners! but he's my customer. If he don't +behave himself to the young cratur, I'll bounce in, and thump him +blue.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>.] Shy, but stylish—much elegance, and +no brass: the most extraordinary article that ever belonged to a +brazier.—[<i>Addressing her.</i>] Don't be alarmed, my dear. Perhaps you +didn't expect a stranger?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> No, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> But you expected somebody, I believe, didn't you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I come from him: here are my credentials. Read that, my +dear little girl, and you'll see how far I am authorized.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Gives her a Letter.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> 'Tis his hand.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Kissing the Superscription.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>As she is opening the Letter.</i>] Fine blue eyes, faith, +and very like my Fanny's. Yes, I see how it will end;—she'll be the +fifteenth Mrs. Shuffleton.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [Reading.] <i>When the conflicts of my mind have subsided, and +opportunity will permit, I will write to you fully. My friend is +instructed from me to make every arrangement for your welfare. With +heartfelt grief I add, family circumstances have torn me from you +for ever!——</i></p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Drops the Letter, and is falling</i>, <span class="smcap">Shuffleton</span> <i>supports + her.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Ha! damn it, this looks like earnest! They do it very +differently in London.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [<i>Recovering.</i>] I beg pardon, sir—I expected this; but +I——I——</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Bursts into Tears.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] O, come, we are getting into the old train; +after the shower, it will clear.—My dear girl, don't flurry +yourself;—these are things of course, you know. To be sure, you +must feel a little resentment at first, but——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Resentment! When I am never, never to see him again! +Morning and night, my voice will be raised to Heaven, in anguish, +for his prosperity!—And tell him,—pray, sir, tell him, I think the +many, many bitter tears I shall shed, will atone for my faults; then +you know, as it isn't himself, but his station, that sunders us, if +news should reach him that I have died, it can't bring any trouble +to his conscience.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Mr. Rochdale, my love, you'll find will be very handsome.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I always found him so, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> He has sent you a hundred pound bank note [<i>Giving it to +her.</i>] till matters can be arranged, just to set you a-going.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I was going, sir, out of this country, for ever. Sure he +couldn't think it necessary to send me this, for fear I should +trouble him!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Pshaw! my love, you mistake: the intention is to give you a +settlement.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I intended to get one for myself, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Did you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes, sir, in London. I shall take a place in the coach +to-morrow morning; and I hope the people of the inn where it puts +up, at the end of the journey, will have the charity to recommend me +to an honest service.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Service? Nonsense! You——you must think differently. I'll +put you into a situation in town.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Will you be so humane, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Should you like Marybone parish, my love?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> All parishes are the same to me, now I must quit my own, +sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I'll write a line for you, to a lady in that quarter, +and—Oh, here's pen and ink. [<i>Writes, and talks as he is writing.</i>] +I shall be in London myself, in about ten days, and then I'll visit +you, to see how you go on.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> O sir! you are, indeed a friend!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I mean to be your friend, my love. There, [<i>Giving her the +Letter.</i>] Mrs. Brown, Howland-Street; an old acquaintance of mine; a +very goodnatured, discreet, elderly lady, I assure you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> You are very good, sir, but I shall be ashamed to look such +a discreet person in the face, if she hears my story.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No, you needn't;—she has a large stock of charity for the +indiscretions of others, believe me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I don't know how to thank you, sir. The unfortunate must +look up to such a lady, sure, as a mother.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> She has acquired that appellation.——You'll be very +comfortable;—and, when I arrive in town, I'll—</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue-2">Who have we here?—Oh!—ha!—ha!—This must be the gentleman she +mentioned to Frank in her letter.—rather an ancient ami.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> So! I suspected this might be the case. [<i>Aside.</i>] You are +Mr. Rochdale, I presume sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes, sir, you do presume;—but I am not Mr. Rochdale.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I beg your pardon, sir, for mistaking you for so bad a +person.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Mr. Rochdale, sir, is my intimate friend. If you mean to +recommend yourself in this quarter, [<i>Pointing to Mary.</i>] good +breeding will suggest to you, that it mustn't be done by abusing +him, before me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I have not acquired that sort of good breeding, sir, which +isn't founded on good sense;—and when I call the betrayer of female +innocence a bad character, the term, I think, is too true to be +abusive.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> 'Tis a pity, then, you hav'n't been taught a little better, +what is due to polished society.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I am always willing to improve.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I hope, sir, you won't urge me to become your instructor.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> You are unequal to the task: if you quarrel with me in the +cause of a seducer, you are unfit to teach me the duties of a +citizen.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> You may make, sir, a very good citizen; but, curse me, if +you'll do for the west end of the town.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I make no distinctions in the ends of towns, sir:—the ends +of integrity are always uniform: and 'tis only where those ends are +most promoted, that the inhabitants of a town, let them live east or +west, most preponderate in rational estimation.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Pray, sir, are you a methodist preacher, in want of a +congregation?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Perhaps I'm a quack doctor, in want of a Jack +Pudding.—Will you engage with me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Damn me if this is to be borne.—Sir, the correction I must +give you, will—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>With Coolness.</i>] Desist, young man, in time, or you may +repent your petulance.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [<i>Coming between them.</i>] Oh, gentlemen! pray, pray don't—I +am so frightened! Indeed, sir, you mistake. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>.] This +gentleman has been so good to me!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Pointing to</i> <span class="smcap">Shuffleton</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Prove it, child, and I shall honour him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Indeed, indeed he has.—Pray, pray don't quarrel! when two +such generous people meet, it would be a sad pity. See, sir, [<i>To</i> +<span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>.] he has recommended me to a place in London;—here's the +letter to the good lady, an elderly lady, in Marybone parish! and so +kind, sir, every body, that knows her, calls her mother.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>Looking at the superscription.</i>] Infamous! sit down, and +compose yourself, my love;—the gentleman and I shall soon come to +an understanding. One word, sir: [<i>Mary sits at the back of the +Scene, the Men advance.</i>] I have lived long in India;—but the +flies, who gad thither, buzz in our ears, till we learn what they +have blown upon in England. I have heard of the wretch, in whose +house you meant to place that unfortunate.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Well! and you meant to place her in snugger lodgings, I +suppose?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I mean to place her where——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> No, my dear fellow, you don't;——unless you answer it to +me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I understand you.—In an hour, then, I shall be at the +Manor-house, whence I suppose, you come. Here we are both unarmed; +and there is one waiting at the door, who, perhaps, might interrupt +us.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Who is he?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Her father;—her agonized father;——to whose entreaties I +have yielded; and brought him here, prematurely.—He is a +tradesman;—beneath your notice:—a vulgar brazier;—but he has some +sort of feeling for his child! whom, now your friend has lured her +to the precipice of despair, you would hurry down the gulf of +infamy.—For your own convenience, sir, I would advise you to avoid +him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Your advice, now, begins to be a little sensible; and if +you turn out a gentleman, though I suspect you to be one of the +brazier's company, I shall talk to you at Sir Simon's.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Is the gentleman gone, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Let him go, child; and be thankful that you have escaped +from a villain.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> A villain, sir!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> The basest; for nothing can be baser than manly strength, +in the specious form of protection, injuring an unhappy woman. When +we should be props to the lily in the storm, 'tis damnable to spring +up like vigorous weeds, and twine about the drooping flower, till +we destroy it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Then, where are friends to be found, sir? He seemed honest; +so do you; but, perhaps, you may be as bad.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Do not trust me. I have brought you a friend, child, in +whom, Nature tells us, we ever should confide.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> What, here, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Yes;—when he hurts you, he must wound himself;—and so +suspicious is the human heart become, from the treachery of society, +that it wants that security. I will send him to you.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Who can he mean? I know nobody but Mr. Rochdale, that, I +think, would come to me. For my poor dear father, when he knows all +my crime, will abandon me, as I deserve.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span>, <i>at the Door</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span> <i>has gone out + at.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Mary! [<span class="smcap">Mary</span> <i>shrieks and falls, her Father runs to her.</i>] My +dear Mary!—Speak to me!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [<i>Recovering.</i>] Don't look kindly on me, my dear father! +Leave me; I left you:—but I was almost mad.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I'll never leave you, till I drop down dead by your side. How +could you run away from me, Mary? [<i>She shrieks.</i>] Come, come, kiss +me, and we'll talk of that another time.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> You hav'n't heard half the story, or I'm sure you'd never +forgive me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Never mind the story now, Mary;—'tis a true story that +you're my child, and that's enough for the present. I hear you have +met with a rascal. I hav'n't been told who, yet. Some folks don't +always forgive; braziers do. Kiss me again, and we'll talk on't by +and by. But, why would you run away, Mary?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I could'nt stay and be deceitful; and it has often cut me +to the heart, to see you show me that affection, which I knew I +didn't deserve.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Ah! you jade! I ought to be angry; but I can't. Look +here—don't you remember this waistcoat? you worked it for me, you +know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I know I did.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Kissing him.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I had a hard struggle to put it on, this morning; but I +squeezed myself into it, a few hours after you ran away.—If I could +do that, you might have told me the worst, without much fear of my +anger. How have they behaved to you, Mary?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> The landlord is very humane, but the landlady———</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Cruel to you? I'll blow her up like gunpowder in a copper. We +must stay here to-night;—for there's Peregrine, that king of good +fellows, we must stay here till he comes back, from a little way +off, he says.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> He that brought you here?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Ay, he. I don't know what he intends—but I trust all to +him;—and when he returns, we'll have such a merry-making! Hollo! +house! Oh, damn it, I'll be good to the landlord; but I'll play hell +with his wife! Come with me, and let us call about us a bit. +Hollo!—house! Come, Mary! odsbobs, I'm so happy to have you again! +House!—Come, Mary,</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + + +<h2>ACT THE FOURTH.</h2> + + +<h3>SCENE I.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>The Outside of the Red Cow.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span> <i>before the Door.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I've stretched my neck half a yard longer, looking out +after that rapscallion, Dan. Och! and is it yourself I see, at last? +There he comes, in a snail's trot, with a basket behind him, like a +stage coach.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>, <i>with a Basket at his Back.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue-2">Dan, you devil! aren't you a beast of a waiter?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> What for?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> To stay out so, the first day of company.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Come, that be a good un! I ha' waited for the company a week, +and I defy you to say I ever left the house till they comed.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Well, and that's true. Pacify me with a good reason, and +you'll find me a dutiful master. Arrah, Dan, what's that hump grown +out at your back, on the road?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Plenty o' meat and drink. I ha'n't had such a hump o' late, +at my stomach.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Puts the Basket on the Ground.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And who harnessed you, Dan, with all that kitchen stuff?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> He as ware rack'd, and took I wi' un to Penzance, for a +companion. He order'd I, as I said things were a little famish'd +like, here, to buy this for the young woman, and the old man he ha' +brought back wi' un.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Then you have been gabbling your ill looking stories +about my larder, you stone eater!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Larder! I told un you had three live pigs as ware dying.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Oh fie! Think you, won't any master discharge a man +sarvant that shames him? Thank your luck, I can't blush. But is the +old fellow, our customer has brought, his intimate friend, he never +saw but once, thirty years ago?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Ees; that be old Job Thornberry, the brazier; and, as sure as +you stand there, when we got to his shop, they were going to make +him a banker.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A banker! I never saw one made. How do they do it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Why, the bum baileys do come into his house, and claw away +all his goods and furniture.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> By the powers, but that's one way of setting a man going +in business!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> When we got into the shop, there they were, as grum as +thunder.—You ha' seen a bum bailey?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> I'm not curious that way. I might have seen one, once or +twice; but I was walking mighty fast, and had no time to look behind +me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> My companion—our customer—he went up stairs, and I bided +below;—and then they began a knocking about the goods and +chapels.—That ware no business o' mine.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Sure it was not.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na, for sartin; so I ax'd 'em what they were a doing;—and +they told I, wi' a broad grin, taking an invention of the +misfortunate man's defects.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Choke their grinning! The law of the land's a good doctor; +but, bad luck to those that gorge upon such a fine physician's poor +patients! Sure, we know, now and then, it's mighty wholesome to +bleed; but nobody falls in love with the leech.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> They comed down stairs—our customer and the brazier; and +the head baily he began a bullocking at the old man, in my mind, +just as one christian shou'dn't do to another. I had nothing to do +wi' that.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Damn the bit.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> No, nothing at all; and so my blood began to rise. He made +the poor old man almost fit to cry.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That wasn't your concern, you know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Bless you, mun! 'twould ha' look'd busy like, in me, to say a +word; so I took up a warming pan, and I bang'd bum bailey, wi' the +broad end on't, 'till he fell o' the floor as fat as twopence.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Oh, hubaboo! lodge in my heart, and I'll never ax you for +rent—you're a friend in need. Remember, I've a warmingpan—you know +where it hangs, and that's enough.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> They had like to ha' warm'd I, finely, I do know. I ware nigh +being haul'd to prison; 'cause, as well as I could make out their +cant, it do seem I had rescued myself, and broke a statue.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Och, the Philistines!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> But our traveller—I do think he be the devil—he settled all +in a jiffy; for he paid the old man's debts, and the bailey's broken +head ware chuck'd into the bargain.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And what did he pay?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Guess now.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> A hundred pounds?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Six thousand, by gum!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> What! on the nail?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na; on the counter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Whew!—six thousand pou——! Oh, by the powers, this man +must be the philosopher's stone! Dan——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Hush! here he be.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>, <i>from the House.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>.] So, friend, you have brought provision, I +perceive.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Ees, sir;—three boil'd fowls, three roast, two chicken +pies, and a capon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> You have considered abundance, more than variety. And the +wine?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> A dozen o' capital red port, sir: I ax'd for the newest they +had i' the cellar.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>To himself.</i>] Six thousand pounds upon a counter!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>.] Carry the hamper in doors; then return to me +instantly. You must accompany me in another excursion.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> What, now?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> Yes; to Sir Simon Rochdale's. You are not tired, my honest +fellow?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na, not a walking wi' you;—but, dang me, when you die, if +all the shoemakers shouldn't go into mourning.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<span class="smcap">Dan</span> <i>takes the Hamper into the House.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>Ruminating.</i>] Six thousand pounds! by St. Patrick, it's +a sum!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> How many miles from here to the Manor house?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Six thousand!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> Six thousand!—yards you mean, I suppose, friend.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Sir!—Eh? Yes, sir, I—I mean yards—all upon a counter!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> Six thousand yards upon a counter! Mine host, here, seems a +little bewildered;—but he has been anxious, I find, for poor Mary, +and 'tis national in him to blend eccentricity with kindness. John +Bull exhibits a plain, undecorated dish of solid benevolence; but +Pat has a gay garnish of whim around his good nature; and if, now +and then, 'tis sprinkled in a little confusion, they must have +vitiated stomachs, who are not pleased with the embellishment.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>, <i>booted.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Now, sir, you and I'll stump it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> Is the way we are to go now, so much worse, that you have +cased yourself in those boots?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Quite clean—that's why I put 'em on: I should ha' dirted 'em +in t' other job.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> Set forward, then.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Na, sir, axing your pardon; I be but the guide, and 'tisn't +for I to go first.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Per.</i> Ha! ha! Then we must march abreast, boy, like lusty soldiers, +and I shall be side by side with honesty: 'tis the best way of +travelling through life's journey, and why not over a heath? Come, +my lad.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dan.</i> Cheek by jowl, by gum!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dan</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That walking philosopher—perhaps he'll give me a big bag +of money. Then, to be sure, I won't lay out some of it to make me +easy for life: for I'll settle a separate maintenance upon ould +mother Brulgruddery.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span> <i>peeps out of the Door of the Public House.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Landlord!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Coming, your honour.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Coming forward.</i>] Hush! don't bawl;—Mary has fallen +asleep. You have behaved like an emperor to her, she says. Give me +your hand, landlord.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Behaved!—Arrah, now, get away with your blarney.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Refusing his Hand.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Well, let it alone. I'm an old fool, perhaps; but, as you +comforted my poor girl in her trouble, I thought a squeeze from her +father's hand—as much as to say, "Thank you, for my child."—might +not have come amiss to you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And is it yourself who are that creature's father?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Her mother said so, and I always believed her. You have heard +some'at of what has happen'd, I suppose. It's all over our town, I +take it, by this time. Scandal is an ugly, trumpeting devil. Let +'em talk;—a man loses little by parting with a herd of neighbours, +who are busiest in publishing his family misfortunes; for they are +just the sort of cattle who would never stir over the threshold to +prevent 'em.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Troth, and that's true;—and some will only sarve you, +because you're convenient to 'em, for the time present; just as my +customers come to the Red Cow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I'll come to the Red Cow, hail, rain, or shine, to help the +house, as long as you are Landlord. Though I must say that your +wife——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> [<i>Putting his Hand before</i> <span class="smcap">Job's</span> <i>Mouth.</i>] Decency! +Remember your own honour, and my feelings. I mustn't hear any thing +bad, you know, of Mrs. Brulgruddery; and you'll say nothing good of +her, without telling damn'd lies; so be asy.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Well, I've done;—but we mustn't be speaking ill of all the +world, neither: there are always some sound hearts to be found among +the hollow ones. Now he that is just gone over the heath——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> What, the walking philosopher?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I don't know any thing of his philosophy; but, if I live +these thousand years, I shall never forget his goodness. Then, +there's another;—I was thinking, just now, if I had tried him, I +might have found a friend in my need, this morning.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Who is he?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> A monstrous good young man; and as modest and affable, as if +he had been bred up a 'prentice, instead of a gentleman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> And what's his name?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Oh, every body knows him, in this neighbourhood; he lives +hard by—Mr. Francis Rochdale, the young 'squire, at the +Manor-house.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Mr. Francis Rochdale!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Yes!—he's as condescending! and took quite a friendship for +me, and mine. He told me, t'other day, he'd recommend me in trade to +all the great families twenty miles round;—and said he'd do, I +don't know what all, for my Mary.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> He did!—Well, 'faith, you may'nt know what; but, by my +soul, he has kept his word!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Kept his word!—What do you mean?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Harkye—If Scandal is blowing about your little fireside +accident, 'twas Mr. Francis Rochdale recommended him to your shop, +to buy his brass trumpet.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Eh! What? no!—yes—I see it at once!—young Rochdale's a +rascal!—Mary!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Bawling.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Hush—you'll wake her, you know.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I intend it. I'll—a glossy, oily, smooth rascal!—warming me +in his favour, like an unwholesome February sun! shining upon my +poor cottage, and drawing forth my child,—my tender blossom,—to +suffer blight, and mildew!—Mary! I'll go directly to the +Manor-house—his father's in the commission.—I may'nt find justice, +but I shall find a justice of peace.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Fie, now! and can't you listen to reason?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Reason!——tell me a reason why a father shouldn't be almost +mad, when his patron has ruin'd his child.—Damn his +protection!—tell me a reason why a man of birth's seducing my +daughter doesn't almost double the rascality? yes, double it: for my +fine gentleman, at the very time he is laying his plans to make her +infamous, would think himself disgraced in making her the honest +reparation she might find from one of her equals.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Arrah, be asy, now, Mr. Thornberry.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> And, this spark, forsooth, is now canvassing the +county!—but, if I don't give him his own at the hustings!—How dare +a man set himself up for a guardian of his neighbour's rights, who +has robbed his neighbour of his dearest comforts? How dare a +seducer come into freeholders' houses, and have the impudence to +say, send me up to London as your representative? Mary!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Calling.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> That's all very true.—But if the voters are under +petticoat government, he has a mighty good chance of his election.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Did you call, my dear father?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Yes, I did call.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Passionately.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Don't you frighten that poor young crature!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Oh, dear! what has happened?—You are angry; very angry. I +hope it isn't with me!—if it is, I have no reason to complain.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Softened, and folding her in his Arms.</i>] My poor, dear +child! I forgive you twenty times more, now, than I did before.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Do you, my dear father?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Yes; for there's twenty times more excuse for you, when rank +and education have helped a scoundrel to dazzle you. Come!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Taking her Hand.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Come! where?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Impatiently.</i>] To the Manor-house with me, directly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> To the Manor-house! Oh, my dear father, think of what you +are doing! think of me!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Of you!—I think of nothing else. I'll see you righted. Don't +be terrified, child—damn it, you know I doat on you: but we are all +equals in the eye of the law; and rot me, if I won't make a +baronet's son shake in his shoes, for betraying a brazier's +daughter. Come, love, come!</p> + +<p class="stage-right"><i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> There'll be a big boderation at the Manor-house! My +customers are all gone, that I was to entertain:—nobody's left but +my lambkin, who don't entertain me: Sir Simon's butler gives good +Madeira:—so, I'm off, after the rest; and the Red Cow and mother +Brulgruddery may take care of one another.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SCENE II.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Shuffleton's intelligence astonishes me!—So soon to throw +herself into the arms of another!——and what could effect, even if +time for perseverance had favoured him, such a person's success with +her!</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why, Frank! I thought you were walking with Lady +Caroline.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> No, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Ha! I wish you would learn some of the gallantries of +the present day from your friend, Tom Shuffleton:—but from being +careless of coming up to the fashion, damn it, you go beyond it? for +you neglect a woman three days before marriage, as much as half the +Tom Shuffletons three months after it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> As by entering into this marriage, sir, I shall perform the +duties of a son, I hope you will do me the justice to suppose I +shall not be basely negligent as a husband,</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Frank, you're a fool; and——</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Servant</span>. </p> + +<p>Well, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Serv.</i> A person, Sir Simon, says he wishes to see you on very +urgent business.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> And I have very urgent business, just now, with my +steward. Who is the person? How did he come?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Serv.</i> On foot, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Oh, let him wait.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue-2">At all events, I can't see this person for these two hours.—I wish +you would see him for me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Certainly, sir,—any thing is refuge to me, now, from the +subject of matrimony.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Aside, and going.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> But a word before you go. Damn it, my dear lad, why +can't you perceive I am labouring this marriage for your good? We +shall ennoble the Rochdales:—for, though my father,—your +grandfather,—did some service in elections (<i>that</i> made him a +baronet), amassed property, and bought lands, and so on, yet, your +great grandfather—Come here——your great grandfather was a miller.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Half whispering.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Smiling.</i>] I shall not respect his memory less, sir, for +knowing his occupation.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> But the world will, you blockhead: and, for your sake, +for the sake of our posterity, I would cross the cart breed, as much +as possible, by blood.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Is that of consequence, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Isn't it the common policy? and the necessities of your +boasters of pedigree produce a thousand intermarriages with people +of no pedigree at all;—till, at last, we so jumble a genealogy, +that, if the devil himself would pluck knowledge from the family +tree, he could hardly find out the original fruit.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Shuffleton</span>, <i>from the Park, following</i> <span class="smcap">Lady + Caroline Braymore</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> "The time is come for Iphigene to find,<br /> +"The miracle she wrought upon my mind;"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Don't talk to me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> "For, now, by love, by force she shall be mine,<br /> +"Or death, if force should fail, shall finish my design."</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> I wish you would finish your nonsense.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Nonsense:—'tis poetry; somebody told me 'twas written by +Dryden.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Perhaps so;——but all poetry is nonsense.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Hear me, then, in prose.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Psha!—that's worse.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Then I must express my meaning in pantomime. Shall I ogle +you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> You are a teasing wretch;—I have subjected myself, I +find, to very ill treatment, in this petty family;—and begin to +perceive I am a very weak woman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] Pretty well for that matter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> To find myself absolutely avoided by the gentleman I +meant to honour with my hand,—so pointedly neglected!——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I must confess it looks a little like a complete cut.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> And what you told me of the low attachment that——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Nay, my dear Lady Caroline, don't say that I told you more +than——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> I won't have it denied:—and I'm sure 'tis all true. See +here—here's an odious parchment Lord Fitz Balaam put into my hand +in the park.—A marriage license, I think he calls it—but if I +don't scatter it in a thousand pieces——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> [<i>Preventing her.</i>] Softly, my dear Lady Caroline; that's a +license of marriage, you know. The names are inserted of +course.—Some of them may be rubbed a little in the carriage; but +they may be filled up at pleasure, you know.——Frank's my +friend,——and if he has been negligent, I say nothing; but the +parson of the parish is as blind as a beetle.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Now, don't you think, Mr. Shuffleton, I am a very ill +used person?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> I feel inwardly for you, Lady Caroline; but my friend makes +the subject delicate. Let us change it. Did you observe the steeple +upon the hill, at the end of the park pales?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Psha?—No.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> It belongs to one of the prettiest little village churches +you ever saw in your life. Let me show you the inside of the church, +Lady Caroline.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> I am almost afraid: for, if I should make a rash vow +there, what is to become of my Lord Fitz Balaam?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Oh, that's true; I had forgot his lordship:—but as the +exigencies of the times demand it, let us hurry the question through +the Commons, and when it has passed, with such strong independent +interest on our sides, it will hardly be thrown out by the Peerage.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SCENE III.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Another Apartment in</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale's</span> <i>House.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Sir Simon does not hurry himself; but 'tis a custom with +the great, to make the little, and the unknown, dance attendance. +When I left Cornwall, as a boy, this house, I remember, was tenanted +by strangers, and the Rochdales inhabited another on the estate, +seven miles off.—I have lived to see some changes in the family, +and may live, perhaps, to see more.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> You expected, I believe, Sir Simon Rochdale, sir;—but he +will be occupied with particular business, for some time. Can I +receive your commands, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Are you Sir Simon Rochdale's son, sir?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I am.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> It was my wish, sir, to have seen your father. I come +unintroduced, and scurvily enough accoutred; but, as I have urgent +matters to communicate, and have suffered shipwreck, upon your +coast, this morning, business will excuse my obtrusion, and the sea +must apologize for my wardrobe.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Shipwreck! That calamity is a sufficient introduction to +every roof, I trust, in a civilized country. What can we do +immediately to serve you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Nothing, sir—I am here to perform service, not to require +it. I come from a wretched hut on the heath, within the ken of this +affluent mansion, where I have witnessed calamity in the extreme.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I do not understand you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Mary!—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Ha.!—Now you <i>have</i> made me understand you. I perceive, +now, on what object you have presented yourself here, to harangue. +'Tis a subject on which my own remorse would have taught me to bend +to a just man's castigation; but the reproof retorts on the +reprover, when he is known to be a hypocrite. My friend, sir, has +taught me to know you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> He, whom I encountered at the house on the heath?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> The same.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> And what may he have taught you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> To discover, that your aim is to torture me, for +relinquishing a beloved object, whom you are, at this moment, +attaching to yourself;—to know, that a diabolical disposition, for +which I cannot account, prompts you to come here, without the +probability of benefiting any party, to injure me, and throw a +whole family into confusion, on the eve of a marriage. But, in +tearing myself from the poor, wronged, Mary, I almost tear my very +heart by its fibres from the seat;——but 'tis a sacrifice to a +father's repose; and—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Hold, sir! When you betrayed the poor, wronged, Mary, how +came you to forget, that every father's repose may be broken for +ever by his child's conduct?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> By my honour! by my soul! it was my intention to have +placed her far, far above the reach of want; but you, my hollow +monitor, are frustrating that intention. You, who come here to +preach virtue, are tempting her to be a confirmed votary of vice, +whom I in penitence would rescue, as the victim of unguarded +sensibility.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Are you, then, jealous of me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Jealous!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Aye: if so, I can give you ease. Return with me, to the +injured innocent on the heath: marry her, and I will give her away.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Marry her! I am bound in honour to another.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Modern honour is a coercive argument; but when you have +seduced virtue, whose injuries you will not solidly repair, you must +be slightly bound in old-fashion'd honesty.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I———I know not what to say to you. Your manner almost +awes me; and there is a mystery in——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I am mysterious, sir. I may have other business, perhaps, +with your father; and, I will tell you, the very fate of your family +may hang on my conference with him. Come, come, Mr. Rochdale, bring +me to Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> My father cannot be seen yet. Will you, for a short time, +remain in my apartment?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Willingly;—and depend on this, sir—I have seen enough of +the world's weakness, to forgive the casual faults of youthful +indiscretion;—but I have a detestation for systematic vice; and +though, as a general censor, my lash may be feeble, circumstances +have put a scourge in my hand, which may fall heavily on this +family, should any of its branches force me to wield it.—I attend +you.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + + +<h2>ACT THE FIFTH.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>A Hall in the Manor-house.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Voices wrangling without.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I will see Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> You can't see Sir Simon, &c. &c. &c.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span>, <span class="smcap">Mary</span>, and <span class="smcap">Simon</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Don't tell me;—I come upon justice business.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Sir Simon be a gentleman justice.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> If the justice allows all his servants to be as saucy as you, +I can't say much for the gentleman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> But these ben't his hours.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Hours for justice! I thought one of the blessings of an +Englishman, was to find justice at any time.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Pray don't be so——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Hold your tongue, child. What <i>are</i> his hours?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Why, from twelve to two.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Two hours out of four and twenty! I hope all that belong to +law, are a little quicker than his worship; if not, when a case +wants immediate remedy, it's just eleven to one against us. Don't +you know me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Na.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I'm sure I have seen you in Penzance.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> My wife has got a chandler's shop there.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Haven't you heard we've a fire engine in the church?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> What o' that?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Suppose your wife's shop was in flames, and all her bacon and +farthing candles frying?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> And what then?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Why then, while the house was burning, you'd run to the +church for the engine. Shou'dn't you think it plaguy hard if the +sexton said, "Call for it to-morrow, between twelve and two?"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> That be neither here nor there.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Isn't it! Then, do you see this stick?</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Menacing.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Pshaw! you be a foolish old fellow.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Why, that's true. Every now and then a jack-in-office, like +you, provokes a man to forget his years. The cudgel is a stout one, +and som'at like your master's justice;—'tis a good weapon in weak +hands; and that's the way many a rogue escapes a dressing.—What! +you are laughing at it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Ees.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Ees! you Cornish baboon, in a laced livery!—Here's something +to make you grin more—here's half a crown.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Holding it up between his Finger and Thumb.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Hee! hee!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Hee, hee!—Damn your Land'send chops! 'tis to get me to your +master:—but, before you have it, though he keeps a +gentleman-justice-shop, I shall make free to ring it on his counter. +[<i>Throws it on the Floor.</i>] There! pick it up. [<span class="smcap">Simon</span> <i>picks up the +money.</i>] I am afraid you are not the first underling that has +stoop'd to pocket a bribe, before he'd do his duty.—Now, tell the +gentleman-justice, I want to see him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> I'll try what I can do for you.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> What makes you tremble so, Mary?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I can't help it:—I wish I could persuade you to go back +again.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I'll stay till the roof falls, but I'll see some of 'em.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Indeed, you don't know how you terrify me. But, if you go to +Sir Simon, you'll leave me here in the hall;—you won't make me go +with you, father?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Not take you with me.—I'll go with my wrongs in my hand, and +make him blush for his son.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I hope you'll think better of it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Why?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Because, when you came to talk, I should sink with shame, if +he said any thing to you that might——that——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Might what?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [<i>Sighing, and hanging down her Head.</i>] Make you blush for +your daughter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I won't have you waiting, like a petitioner, in this hall, +when you come to be righted. No, no!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> You wouldn't have refused me any thing once;—but I know I +have lost your esteem, now.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Lost!—forgive is forgive, all the world over. You know, +Mary, I have forgiven you: and, making it up by halves, is making +myself a brass teakettle—warm one minute, cold the next; smooth +without, and hollow within.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Then, pray, don't deny me!—I'm sure you wouldn't, if you +knew half I am suffering.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Do as you like, Mary; only never tell me again you have lost +my esteem. It looks like suspicion o' both sides.—Never say that, +and I can deny you nothing in reason,—or, perhaps, a little beyond +it.—</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Simon</span>. </p> + +<p>Well, will the justice do a man the favour to do his duty? Will he +see me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Come into the room next his libery. A stranger, who's with +young master, ha' been waiting for un, longer nor you; but I'll get +you in first.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I don't know, that that's quite fair to the other.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Simon.</i> Ees, it be; for t'other didn't give I half a crown.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Then, stay till I come back, Mary.—I see, my man, when you +take a bribe, you are scrupulous enough to do your work for it; for +which, I hope, somebody may duck you with one hand, and rub you dry +with the other. Kindness and honesty, for kindness and honesty's +sake, is the true coin; but many a one, like you, is content to be a +passable Birmingham halfpenny.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Simon</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I wished to come to this house in the morning, and now I +would give the world to be out of it. Hark! here's somebody! Oh, +mercy on me, 'tis he himself! What will become of me!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Retires towards the Back of the Scene.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> My father, then, shall see this visitor, whatever be the +event. I will prepare him for the interview, and—— [<i>Sees</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>.] +Good Heaven! why—why are you here?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> [<i>Advancing to him eagerly.</i>] I don't come willingly to +trouble you; I don't, indeed!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> What motive, Mary, has brought you to this house? and who +is the stranger under whose protection you have placed yourself, at +the house on the heath? Surely you cannot love him!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I hope I do.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> You hope you do!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes; for I think he saved my life this morning, when I was +struggling with the robber, who threatened to kill me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> And had you taken no guide with you, Mary?—no protector?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I was thinking too much of one, who promised to be my +protector always, to think of any other.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Mary——I——I——'twas I, then, it seems who brought your +life into such hazard.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I hope I haven't said any thing to make you unhappy.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Nothing, my dearest Mary, nothing. I know it is not in your +nature even to whisper a reproof. Yet, I sent a friend, with full +power from me, to give you the amplest protection.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I know you did:—and he gave me a letter, that I might be +protected, when I got to London.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Why, then, commit yourself to the care of a stranger?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Because the stranger read the direction of the letter—here +it is, [<i>Taking it from her Pocket.</i>] and said your friend was +treacherous.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Looking at the Letter.</i>] Villain!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Did he intend to lead me into a snare then?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Let me keep this letter.—I may have been deceived in the +person I sent to you, but—damn his rascality! [<i>Aside.</i>] But, could +you think me base enough to leave you, unsheltered? I had torn you +from your home,—with anguish I confess it—but I would have +provided you another home, which want should not have assailed. +Would this stranger bring you better comfort?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Oh, yes; he has; he has brought me my father.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Your father!—from whom I made you fly!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Yes; he has brought a father to his child,—that she might +kiss off the tears her disobedience had forced down his aged cheeks, +and restored me to the only home, which could give me any comfort, +now.—And my father is here.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Here!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Indeed, I cou'dn't help his coming; and he made me come with +him.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I—I am almost glad, Mary, that it has happened.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Are you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Yes—when a weight of concealment is on the mind, remorse +is relieved by the very discovery which it has dreaded. But you must +not be waiting here, Mary. There is one in the house, to whose care +I will entrust you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> I hope it isn't the person you sent to me to-day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> He! I would sooner cradle infancy with serpents.—Yet this +is my friend! I will, now, confide in a stranger:—the stranger, +Mary, who saved your life.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Is he here!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> He is:—Oh, Mary, how painful, if, performing the duty of a +son, I must abandon, at last, the expiation of a penitent! but so +dependent on each other are the delicate combinations of probity, +that one broken link perplexes the whole chain, and an abstracted +virtue becomes a relative iniquity.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SCENE II.</h3> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>The Library.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><span class="smcap">Sir Simon Rochdale</span> <i>and his</i> <span class="smcap">Steward</span>, <i>who appears to be + quitting the Room.</i> <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span> <i>standing at a little + Distance from them.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Remember the money must be ready to-morrow, Mr. +Pennyman.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Steward.</i> It shall, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span>.] So, friend, your business, you say, +is—and, Mr. Pennyman, [<span class="smcap">Steward</span> <i>turns back.</i>] give Robin Ruddy +notice to quit his cottage, directly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Steward.</i> I am afraid, Sir Simon, if he's turned out, it will be +his ruin.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> He should have recollected that, before he ruin'd his +neighbour's daughter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Starting.</i>] Eh!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> What's the matter with the man? His offence is attended +with great aggravation.—Why doesn't he marry her?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Aye!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Emphatically.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Pray, friend, be quiet.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Steward.</i> He says it would make her more unfortunate still; he's +too necessitous to provide even for the living consequence of his +indiscretion.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> That doubles his crime to the girl.—He must quit. I'm +a magistrate, you know, Mr. Pennyman, and 'tis my duty to discourage +all such immorality.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Steward.</i> Your orders must be obeyed, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Steward</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Now, yours is justice-business, you say. You come at an +irregular time, and I have somebody else waiting for me; so be +quick. What brings you here?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> My daughter's seduction, Sir Simon;—and it has done my +heart good to hear your worship say, 'tis your duty to discourage +all such immorality.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> To be sure it is;—but men, like you, shou'dn't be too +apt to lay hold of every sentiment justice drops, lest you misapply +it. 'Tis like an officious footman snatching up his mistress's +periwig, and clapping it on again, hind part before. What are you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> A tradesman, Sir Simon. I have been a freeholder, in this +district, for many a year.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> A freeholder!—Zounds! one of Frank's voters, perhaps, +and of consequence at his election. [<i>Aside.</i>] Won't you, my good +friend, take a chair?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Thank you, Sir Simon, I know my proper place. I didn't come +here to sit down with Sir Simon Rochdale, because I am a freeholder; +I come to demand my right, because you are a justice.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> A man of respectability, a tradesman, and a freeholder, +in such a serious case as yours, had better have recourse to a court +of law.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I am not rich, now, Sir Simon, whatever I may have been.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> A magistrate, honest, friend, can't give you +damages:—you must fee counsel.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I can't afford an expensive lawsuit, Sir Simon:—and, begging +your pardon, I think the law never intended that an injured man, in +middling circumstances, should either go without redress, or starve +himself to obtain it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Whatever advice I can give you, you shall have it for +nothing; but I can't jump over justice's hedges and ditches. Courts +of law are broad high roads, made for national convenience; if your +way lie through them, 'tis but fair you should pay the turnpikes. +Who is the offender?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> He lives on your estate, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Oho! a tenant!—Then I may carry you through your +journey by a short cut. Let him marry your daughter, my honest +friend.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> He won't.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why not?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> He's going to marry another.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Then he turns out. The rascal sha'n't disgrace my +estate four and twenty hours longer.—Injure a reputable tradesman, +my neighbour!——a freeholder!—and refuse to——did you say he was +poor?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> No, Sir Simon; and, by and by, if you don't stand in his way, +he may be very rich.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Rich! eh!—Why, zounds! is he a gentleman?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I have answer'd that question already, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Not that I remember.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I thought I had been telling you his behaviour.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Umph!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I reckon many of my neighbours honest men, though I can't +call them gentlemen;—but I reckon no man a gentleman, that I can't +call honest.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Harkye, neighbour;—if he's a gentleman (and I have +several giddy young tenants, with more money than thought), let him +give you a good round sum, and there's an end.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> A good round sum!—Damn me, I shall choke! [<i>Aside.</i>] A +ruffian, with a crape, puts a pistol to my breast, and robs me of +forty shillings;—a scoundrel, with a smiling face, creeps to my +fireside, and robs my daughter of her innocence. The judge can't +allow restitution to spare the highwayman;—then, pray, Sir +Simon,—I wish to speak humbly—pray don't insult the father, by +calling money a reparation from the seducer.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> This fellow must be dealt with quietly I see—Justice, +my honest friend, is——justice.—As a magistrate, I make no +distinction of persons.—Seduction is a heinous offence: and, +whatever is in my power, I——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> The offender is in your power, Sir Simon.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Well, well; don't be hasty, and I'll take cognizance of +him.—We must do things in form:—but you mustn't be passionate. +[<i>Goes to the Table, and takes up a Pen.</i>] Come, give me his +christian and surname, and I'll see what's to be done for you.—Now, +what name must I write?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Francis Rochdale.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> [<i>Drops the Pen, looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span>, <i>and starts up.</i>] Damn +me! if it isn't the brazier!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Justice is justice, Sir Simon. I am a respectable tradesman, +your neighbour, and a freeholder.—Seduction is a heinous offence; a +magistrate knows no distinction of persons; and a rascal musn't +disgrace your estate four and twenty hours longer.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> [<i>Sheepishly.</i>] I believe your name is Thornberry?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> It is, Sir Simon. I never blush'd at my name, till your son +made me blush for yours.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Mr. Thornberry—I—I heard something of my +son's—a—little indiscretion, some mornings ago.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Did you, Sir Simon? you never sent to me about it; so, I +suppose, the news reach'd you at one of the hours you don't set +apart for justice.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> This is a——a very awkward business, Mr. Thornberry. +Something like a hump back;—we can never set it quite straight, so +we must bolster it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> How do you mean, Sir Simon?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why—'tis a—a disagreeable affair, and—we—must hush +it up.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Hush it up! a justice compound with a father, to wink at his +child's injuries! if you and I hush it up so, Sir Simon, how shall +we hush it up here? [<i>Striking his Breast.</i>] In one word, will your +son marry my daughter?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> What! my son marry the daughter of a brazier!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> He has ruined the daughter of a brazier.—If the best lord in +the land degrades himself by a crime, you can't call his atonement +for it a condescension.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Honest friend—I don't know in what quantities you may +sell brass at your shop; but when you come abroad, and ask a baronet +to marry his son to your daughter, damn me, if you ar'n't a +wholesale dealer!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> And I can't tell, Sir Simon, how you may please to retail +justice; but when a customer comes to deal largely with you, damn me +if you don't shut up the shop windows!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> You are growing saucy. Leave the room, or I shall +commit you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Commit me! you will please to observe, Sir Simon, I +remember'd my duty, till you forgot yours. You asked me, at first, +to sit down in your presence. I knew better than to do so, before a +baronet and a justice of peace. But I lose my respect for my +superior in rank, when he's so much below my equals in fair +dealing:—and, since the magistrate has left the chair [<i>Slams the +Chair into the middle of the Room.</i>] I'll sit down on it. [<i>Sits +down.</i>] There!—'Tis fit it should be fill'd by somebody—and, +dam'me if I leave the house till you redress my daughter, or I shame +you all over the county!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Why, you impudent mechanic! I shou'dn't wonder if the +scoundrel call'd for my clerk, and sign'd my mittimus. [<i>Rings the +Bell.</i>] Fellow, get out of that chair.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> I sha'n't stir. If you want to sit down, take another. This +is the chair of justice: it's the most uneasy for you of any in the +room.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Servant</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Tell Mr. Rochdale to come to me directly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Serv.</i> Yes, Sir Simon. [<i>Sees</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span>.] Hee! hee!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Don't stand grinning, you booby! but go.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Serv.</i> Yes, Sir Simon. Hee! he!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Reaching a Book from the Table.</i>] "Burn's Justice!"</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> And how dare you take it up?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Because you have laid it down. Read it a little better, and, +then, I may respect you more.—There it is.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Throws it on the Floor.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> So, sir! prettily I am insulted on your account!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Good Heaven, sir! what is the matter?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> The matter! [<i>Points to</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span>.] Lug that old bundle of +brass out of my chair, directly.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<span class="smcap">Frank</span> <i>casts his Eyes on</i> <span class="smcap">Thornberry</span>, <i>then on the Ground, + and stands abashed.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> He dare as soon jump into one of your tin-mines. +Brass!—there is no baser metal than hypocrisy: he came with that +false coin to my shop, and it pass'd; but see how conscience nails +him to the spot, now!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon</span>.] Sir, I came to explain all.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Sir, you must be aware that all is explained already. +You provoke a brazier almost to knock me down; and bring me news of +it, when he is fix'd as tight in my study, as a copper in my +kitchen.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Advancing to</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span>.] Mr. Thornberry, I——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Keep your distance! I'm an old fellow; but if my daughter's +seducer comes near me, I'll beat him as flat as a stewpan.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> [<i>Still advancing.</i>] Suffer me to speak, and—</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Rising from the Chair, and holding up his Cane.</i>] Come an +inch nearer, and I'll be as good as my word.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Hold!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Eh! you here? then I have some chance, perhaps, of getting +righted, at last.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Do not permit passion to weaken that chance.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Oh, plague! you don't know;—I wasn't violent till——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Nay, nay; cease to grasp that cane.—While we are so +conspicuously bless'd with laws to chastise a culprit, the mace of +justice is the only proper weapon for the injured.—Let me talk with +you.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Takes</i> <span class="smcap">Thornberry</span> <i>aside.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Frank Rochdale</span>.] Well, sir; who may this last +person be, whom you have thought proper should visit me?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> A stranger in this country, sir, and——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> And a friend, I perceive, of that old ruffian.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> I have reason to think, sir, he is a friend to Mr. +Thornberry.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Sir, I am very much obliged to you.—You send a brazier +to challenge me, and now, I suppose, you have brought a travelling +tinker for his second. Where does he come from?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> India, sir. He leap'd from the vessel that was foundering +on the rocks, this morning, and swam to shore.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Did he? I wish he had taken the jump with the brazier +tied to his neck.</p> + +<p class="stage-center">[<span class="smcap">Peregrine</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span> <i>come forward.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>Apart to</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span>.] I can discuss it better in your absence. +Be near with Mary: should the issue be favourable, I will call you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> [<i>Apart to</i> <span class="smcap">Pereg</span>.] Well, well! I will. You have a better +head at it than I.——Justice! Oh, if I was Lord Chancellor, I'd +knock all the family down with the mace, in a minute.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Suffer me to say a few words, Sir Simon Rochdale, in behalf +of that unhappy man.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Pointing to where</i> <span class="smcap">Job</span> <i>was gone out.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> And pray, sir, what privilege have you to interfere in +my domestic concerns?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> None, as it appears abstractedly. Old Thornberry has just +deputed me to accommodate his domestic concerns with you: I would, +willingly, not touch upon yours.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Poh! poh! You can't touch upon one, Without being +impertinent about the other.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Have the candour to suppose, Sir Simon, that I mean no +disrespect to your house. Although I may stickle, lustily, with you, +in the cause of an aggrieved man, believe me, early habits have +taught me to be anxious for the prosperity of the Rochdales.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Early habits!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I happened to be born on your estate, Sir Simon; and have +obligations to some part of your family.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Then, upon my soul, you have chosen a pretty way to +repay them!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I know no better way of repaying them, than by consulting +your family honour. In my boyhood, it seem'd as if nature had +dropp'd me a kind of infant subject on your father's Cornish +territory; and the whole pedigree of your house is familiar to me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Is it? Confound him, he has heard of the miller! +[<i>Aside.</i>] Sir, you may talk this tolerably well; but 'tis my +hope—my opinion, I mean, you can't tell who was my grandfather.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Whisper the secret to yourself, Sir Simon; and let reason +also whisper to you, that, when honest industry raises a family to +opulence and honours, its very original lowness sheds lustre on its +elevation;—but all its glory fades, when it has given a wound, and +denies a balsam, to a man, as humble, and as honest, as your own +ancestor.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> But I haven't given the wound.—And why, good sir, +won't you be pleased to speak your sentiments!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Frank</span>, <i>who has retired, during the above Conversation, + to the Back of the Room.</i> </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> The first are, obedience to my father, sir; and, if I must +proceed, I own that nothing, in my mind, but the amplest atonement, +can extinguish true remorse for a cruelty.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Ha! in other words, you can't clap an extinguisher upon +your feelings, without a father-in-law who can sell you one. But +Lady Caroline Braymore is your wife, or I am no longer your father.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Shuffleton</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Caroline Braymore</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> How d'ye do, good folks? How d'ye do?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Ha! Lady Caroline!—Tom, I have had a little +business.—The last dinner-bell has rung, Lady Caroline; but I'll +attend you directly.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Baronet, I'm afraid we sha'n't be able to dine with you +to-day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Not dine with me!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> No;—we are just married!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Hell and the devil! married!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Yes; we are married, and can't come.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] Then 'tis time to speak to old Thornberry.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Lady Caroline!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> I lost my appetite in your family this morning, Sir +Simon; and have no relish for any thing you can have the goodness to +offer me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Don't press us, baronet;—that's quite out, in the New +School.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Oh, damn the New School!—who will explain all this +mystery?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Mr. Shuffleton shall explain it, sir; and other mysteries +too.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> My dear Frank, I have something to say to you. But here +comes my papa; I've been talking to him, Sir Simon, and he'll talk +to you. He does very well to explain, for the benefit of a country +gentleman.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Lord Fitz Balaam</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> My Lord, it is painful to be referred to you, when so +much is to be said. What is it all?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lord Fitz.</i> You are disappointed, Sir Simon, and I am ruin'd.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> But, my lord——</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>They go up the Stage.</i></p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<span class="smcap">Lady Caroline</span> <i>throws herself carelessly into a Chair.</i> + <span class="smcap">Shuffleton</span> <i>advances to</i> <span class="smcap">Frank</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> My dear Frank, I——I have had a devilish deal of trouble +in getting this business off your hands. But you see, I have done my +best for you.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> For yourself, you mean.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> Come, damn it, my good fellow, don't be ungrateful to a +friend.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Take back this letter of recommendation, you wrote for +Mary, as a friend. When you assume that name with me, Mr. +Shuffleton, for myself I laugh; for you I blush; but for sacred +friendship's profanation I grieve.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Turns from him.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That all happens from living so much out of town.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Peregrine</span>, <span class="smcap">Job Thornberry</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Now, Sir Simon, as accident seems to have thwarted a +design, which probity could never applaud, you may, perhaps, be +inclined to do justice here.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Justice is all I come for—damn their favours! Cheer up, +Mary!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Pereg</span>.] I was in hopes I had got rid of you. You +are an orator from the sea-shore; but you must put more pebbles in +your mouth before you harangue me into a tea-kettle connexion.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That's my friend at the Red Cow. He is the new-old <i>cher +ami</i> to honest tea-kettle's daughter.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> Your insinuation is false, sir.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> False!</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Stepping forward.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Lady Car.</i> Hush! don't quarrel;—we are only married to-day.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Shuff.</i> That's true; I won't do any thing to make you unhappy for +these three weeks.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Sir Simon Rochdale, if my oratory fail, and which, indeed, +is weak, may interest prevail with you?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> No; rather than consent, I'd give up every acre of my +estate.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Your conduct proves you unworthy of your estate; and, +unluckily for you, you have roused the indignation of an elder +brother, who now stands before you, and claims it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Eh!—Zounds!—Peregrine!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> I can make my title too good, in an instant, for you to +dispute it. My agent in London has long had documents on the secret +he has kept; and several old inhabitants here, I know, are prepared +to identify me.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> I had a run-away brother—a boy that every body +thought dead. How came he not to claim till now?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Because, knowing he had given deep cause of offence, he +never would have asserted his abandon'd right, had he not found a +brother neglecting, what no Englishman should neglect—justice and +humanity to his inferiors.</p> + +<p class="stage-center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dennis Brulgruddery</span>. </p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Stand asy, all of you; for I've big news for my +half-drown'd customer. Och! bless your mug! and is it there you are?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> What's the matter now?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> Hould your tongue, you little man!—There's a great post +just come to your Manor-house, and the Indiaman's work'd into port.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> What, the vessel with all your property?</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Pereg</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> By all that's amazing, they say you have a hundred +thousand pounds in that ship.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> My losses might have been somewhat more without this +recovery. I have entered into a sort of partnership with you, my +friend, this morning. How can we dissolve it?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> You are an honest man; so am I; so settle that account as you +like.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Come forth, then, injured simplicity;—of your own cause +you shall be now the arbitress.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Mary.</i> Do not make me speak, sir, I am so humbled—so abash'd——</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> Nonsense! we are sticking up for right.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Will you then speak, Mr. Rochdale?</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> My father is bereft of a fortune, sir; but I must hesitate +till his fiat is obtained, as much as if he possess'd it.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Nay, nay; follow your own inclinations now</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Frank.</i> May I, sir? Oh, then, let the libertine now make +reparation, and claim a wife.</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>Running to</i> <span class="smcap">Mary</span>, <i>and embracing +her.</i></p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Dennis.</i> His wife! Och! what a big dinner we'll have at the Red +Cow!</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> What am I to say, sir?</p> + +<p class="stage-right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Simon</span>.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Sir Simon.</i> Oh! you are to say what you please.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Pereg.</i> Then, bless you both! And, tho' I have passed so much of my +life abroad, brother, English equity is dear to my heart. Respect +the rights of honest John Bull, and our family concerns may be +easily arranged.</p> + +<p class="dialogue"><i>Job.</i> That's upright. I forgive you, young man, for what has +passed; but no one deserves forgiveness, who refuses to make amends, +when he has disturb'd the happiness of an Englishman's fireside.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_END" id="THE_END" ></a>THE END.</h2> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 20177-h.txt or 20177-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/1/7/20177</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: John Bull + The Englishman's Fireside: A Comedy, in Five Acts + + +Author: George Colman + + + +Release Date: December 23, 2006 [eBook #20177] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL*** + + +E-text prepared by Steven desJardins and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 20177-h.htm or 20177-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177/20177-h/20177-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177/20177-h.zip) + + +Transcriber's note: + + Typographical errors in the original 1807 edition + have been left uncorrected. + + + + + +JOHN BULL; + +Or, + +The Englishman's Fireside: +A Comedy, in Five Acts; + +by + +GEORGE COLMAN, THE YOUNGER. + +As Performed at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden. + +Printed Under the Authority of the Managers +from the Prompt Book. + +With Remarks by Mrs. Inchbald. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: JOHN BULL + +JOB THORNBERRY.--THERE--'TIS FIT IT SHOULD BE FILLED BY SOMEBODY. + +ACT V, SCENE II. + +PAINTED BY SINGLETON +PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN & CO. +ENGRAVED BY FITTLER] + + + + +London: +Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme, +Paternoster Row. + +William Savage, Printer, +London. + + + + +REMARKS. + + + "Yet be not blindly guided by the throng; + "The multitude is always in the wrong." + +Roscommon surely meets with a bold contradiction in this comedy--for +it was not only admired by the multitude, but the discerning few +approved of that admiration. + +The irresistible broad humour, which is the predominant quality of +this drama, is so exquisitely interspersed with touches of nature +more refined, with occasional flashes of wit, and with events so +interesting, that, if the production is not of that perfect kind +which the most rigid critic demands, he must still acknowledge it as +a bond, given under the author's own hand, that he can, if he +pleases, produce, in all its various branches, a complete comedy. + +The introduction of farces into the entertainments of the theatre +has been one cause of destroying that legitimate comedy, which such +critics require. The eye, which has been accustomed to delight in +paintings of caricature, regards a picture from real life as an +insipid work. The extravagance of farce has given to the Town a +taste for the pleasant convulsion of hearty laughter, and smiles are +contemned, as the tokens of insipid amusement. + +To know the temper of the times with accuracy, is one of the first +talents requisite to a dramatic author. The works of other authors +may be reconsidered a week, a month, or a year after a first +perusal, and regain their credit by an increase of judgment bestowed +upon their reader; but the dramatist, once brought before the +public, must please at first sight, or never be seen more. There is +no reconsideration in _his_ case--no judgment to expect beyond the +decree of the moment: and he must direct his force against the +weakness, as well as the strength, of his jury. He must address +their habits, passions, and prejudices, as the only means to gain +this sudden conquest of their minds and hearts. Such was the +author's success on the representation of "John Bull." The hearts +and minds of his auditors were captivated, and proved, to +demonstration, his skilful insight into human kind. + +Were other witnesses necessary to confirm this truth, the whole +dramatis personae might be summoned as evidence, in whose characters +human nature is powerfully described; and if, at times, too boldly +for a reader's sober fancy, most judiciously adapted to that spirit +which guides an audience. + +It would be tedious to enumerate the beauties of this play, for it +abounds with them. Its faults, in a moment, are numbered. + +The prudence and good sense of Job Thornberry are so palpably +deficient, in his having given to a little run-away, story-telling +boy (as it is proved, and he might have suspected) ten guineas, the +first earnings of his industry--that no one can wonder he becomes a +bankrupt, or pity him when he does. In the common course of +occurrences, ten guineas would redeem many a father of a family from +bitter misery, and plunge many a youth into utter ruin. Yet nothing +pleases an audience so much as a gift, let who will be the receiver. +They should be broken of this vague propensity to give; and be +taught, that charity without discrimination is a sensual enjoyment, +and, like all sensuality, ought to be restrained: but that charity +with discretion, is foremost amongst the virtues, and must not be +contaminated with heedless profusion.--Still the author has shown +such ingenuity in the event which arises from this incident, that +those persons, who despise the silly generosity of Thornberry, are +yet highly affected by the gratitude of Peregrine. + +This comedy would read much better, but not act half so well, if it +were all written in good English. It seems unreasonable to forbid an +author to take advantage of any actor's peculiar abilities that may +suit his convenience; and both Johnstone and Emery displayed +abilities of the very first rate in the two characters they +represented in "John Bull."--But to the author of "John Bull," whose +genius may be animated to still higher exertions in the pursuit of +fame, it may be said--Leave the distortion of language to men who +cannot embellish it like yourself--and to women. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + + +PEREGRINE _Mr. Cooke._ +SIR SIMON ROCHDALE] _Mr. Blanchard._ +FRANK ROCHDALE _Mr. H. Johnston._ +WILLIAMS _Mr. Klanert._ +LORD FITZ-BALAAM _Mr. Waddy._ +HON. TOM SHUFFLETON _Mr. Lewis_ +JOB THORNBERRY _Mr. Fawcett._ +JOHN BUR _Mr. Atkins._ +DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY _Mr. Johnstone._ +DAN _Mr. Emery._ +MR. PENNYMAN _Mr. Davenport._ +JOHN _Mr. Abbot._ +ROBERT _Mr. Truman._ +SIMON _Mr. Beverly._ + +LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE _Mrs. H. Johnston._ +MRS. BRULGRUDDERY _Mrs. Davenport._ +MARY THORNBERRY _Mrs. Gibbs._ + + _SCENE,--Cornwall._ + + + + +JOHN BULL. + +ACT THE FIRST. + +SCENE I. + + + _A Public House on a Heath: over the Door the Sign of the Red + Cow;----and the Name of "DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY."_ + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY and DAN, from the House. DAN opening + the outward Shutters of the House._ + +_Dennis._ A pretty blustratious night we have had! and the sun peeps +through the fog this morning, like the copper pot in my +kitchen.--Devil a traveller do I see coming to the Red Cow. + +_Dan._ Na, measter!--nowt do pass by here, I do think, but the +carrion crows. + +_Dennis._ Dan;--think you, will I be ruin'd? + +_Dan._ Ees; past all condemption. We be the undonestest family in +all Cornwall. Your ale be as dead as my grandmother; mistress do set +by the fire, and sputter like an apple a-roasting; the pigs ha' +gotten the measles; I be grown thinner nor an old sixpence; and thee +hast drank up all the spirity liquors. + +_Dennis._ By my soul, I believe my setting up the Red Cow, a week +ago, was a bit of a Bull!--but that's no odds. Haven't I been +married these three months?--and who did I marry? + +_Dan._ Why, a waddling woman, wi' a mulberry feace. + +_Dennis._ Have done with your blarney, Mr. Dan. Think of the high +blood in her veins, you bog trotter. + +_Dan._ Ees; I always do, when I do look at her nose. + +_Dennis._ Never you mind Mrs. Brulgruddery's nose. Was'nt she fat +widow to Mr. Skinnygauge, the lean exciseman of Lestweithel? and +did'nt her uncle, who is fifteenth cousin to a Cornish Baronet, say +he'd leave her no money, if he ever happen'd to have any, because +she had disgraced her parentage, by marrying herself to a taxman? +Bathershan, man, and don't you think he'll help us out of the mud, +now her second husband is an Irish jontleman, bred and born? + +_Dan._ He, he! Thee be'st a rum gentleman. + +_Dennis._ Troth, and myself, Mr. Dennis Brulgruddery, was brought up +to the church. + +_Dan._ Why, zure! + +_Dennis._ You may say that, I open'd the pew doors, in Belfast. + +_Dan._ And what made 'em to turn thee out o'the treade? + +_Dennis._ I snored in sermon time. Dr. Snufflebags, the preacher, +said I woke the rest of the congregation. Arrah, Dan, don't I see a +tall customer stretching out his arms in the fog? + +_Dan._ Na; that be the road-post. + +_Dennis._ 'Faith, and so it is. Och! when I was turn'd out of my +snug birth at Belfast, the tears ran down my eighteen year old +cheeks, like buttermilk. + +_Dan._ Pshaw, man! nonsense! Thee'dst never get another livelihood +by crying. + +_Dennis._ Yes, I did; I cried oysters. Then I pluck'd up----what's +that? a customer! + +_Dan._ [_Looking out._] Na, a donkey. + +_Dennis._ Well, then I pluck'd up a parcel of my courage, and I +carried arms. + +_Dan._ Waunds! what, a musket? + +_Dennis._ No; a reaping hook. I cut my way half through England: +till a German learn'd me physic, at a fair in Devonshire. + +_Dan._ What, poticary's stuff? + +_Dennis._ I studied it in Doctor Von Quolchigronck's booth, at +Plympton. He cured the yellow glanders, and restored prolification +to families who wanted an heir. I was of mighty use to him as an +assistant. + +_Dan._ Were you indeed! + +_Dennis._ But, somehow, the doctor and I had a quarrel; so I gave +him something, and parted. + +_Dan._ And what didst thee give him, pray? + +_Dennis._ I gave him a black-eye; and set up for myself at +Lestweithel; where Mr. Skinnygauge, the exciseman, was in his +honeymoon.--Poor soul! he was my patient, and died one day: but his +widow had such a neat notion of my subscriptions, that in three +weeks, she was Mrs. Brulgruddery. + +_Dan._ He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money? + +_Dennis._ Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad +luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth +chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague. + +_Dan._ Why, that be this very house. + +_Dennis._ Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the +remainder of the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery: +laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the +goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption; +took a sarvingman---- + +_Dan._ That's I.--I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired +me. + +_Dennis._ And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer +since I have been a publican. + +_Dan._ See!--See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!--and a +coming this road. + +_Dennis._ Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he +may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him +there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow. + +_Dan._ I will--Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie. + +_Dennis._ And harkye:--say there's an accomplish'd landlord. + +_Dan._ Ees--and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that. + +_Dennis._ And, Dan;--sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that +has sour'd all the beer, you know. + +_Dan._ What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used +to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant +un! [_Exit._ + +_Dennis._ Wife!--I must tell her the joyful news--Mrs. Brulgruddery! +my dear!--Devil choak my dear!--she's as deaf as a trunk-maker--Mrs. +Brulgruddery! + + _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery? +What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd +like to know? + +_Dennis._ Mighty like a mile-stone--standing still, at this present +writing. + +_Mrs. Brul._ A pretty situation we are in truly! + +_Dennis._ Yes;--upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it. + +_Mrs. Brul._ And, where is the fortune I brought you? + +_Dennis._ All swallow'd up by the Red Cow. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have +been in such a quandary. + +_Dennis._ Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this +public house? + +_Mrs. Brul._ No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept +it. But, who advised you to drink out all the brandy? + +_Dennis._ No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears +into my eyes, as you do! [_Crying._ + +_Dennis._ I know that--I saw you at his funeral. + +_Mrs. Brul._ You're a monster! + +_Dennis._ Am I?--Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin. + +_Mrs. Brul._ You'll be the death of me; you know you will. + +_Dennis._ Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a +small morsel of consolation. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Consolation indeed! + +_Dennis._ Yes--There's a customer coming. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Brightening._] What! + +_Dennis._ A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath, +yonder. Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into +a fish basket. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I +knew how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it +was all by my advice you took the Red Cow. + +_Dennis._ Och ho! it was, was it? + +_Mrs. Brul._ I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I +hav'n't prophesied a customer to-day for nothing. + [_Goes into the House._ + +_Dennis._ Troth, and it's prophesying on the sure side, to foretell +a thing when it has happen'd. + + _Enter DAN, conducting PEREGRINE--PEREGRINE carrying a small + Trunk under his Arm._ + +_Pereg._ I am indifferent about accommodations. + +_Dan._ Our'n be a comfortable parlour, zur: you'll find it clean: +for I wash'd un down mysen, wringing wet, five minutes ago. + +_Pereg._ You have told me so, twenty times. + +_Dan._ This be the Red Cow, zur, as you may see by the pictur; and +here be measter--he'll treat ye in a hospital manner, zur, and show +you a deal o' contention. + +_Dennis._ I'll be bound, sir, you'll get good entertainment, whether +you are a man or a horse. + +_Pereg._ You may lodge me as either, friend. I can sleep as well in +a stable as a bedchamber; for travel has season'd me.--Since I have +preserved this [_Half aside, and pointing to the Trunk under his +Arm_], I can lay my head upon it with tranquility, and repose any +where. + +_Dennis._ 'Faith, it seems a mighty decent, hard bolster. What is it +stuff'd with, I wonder? + +_Pereg._ That which keeps the miser awake--money. + +_Dan._ Wauns! all that money! + +_Dennis._ I'd be proud, sir, to know your upholsterer--he should +make me a feather bed gratis of the same pretty materials. If that +was all my own, I'd sleep like a pig, though I'm married to Mrs. +Brulgruddery. + +_Pereg._ I shall sleep better, because it is not my own. + +_Dennis._ Your own's in a snugger place, then? safe from the sharks +of this dirty world, and be hang'd to 'em! + +_Pereg._ Except the purse in my pocket, 'tis, now, I fancy, in a +place most frequented by the sharks of this world. + +_Dennis._ London, I suppose? + +_Pereg._ The bottom of the sea. + +_Dennis._ By my soul, that's a watering place--and you'll find +sharks there, sure enough in all conscience. + + _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ What would you chuse to take, sir, after your walk this +raw morning? We have any thing you desire. + +_Dennis._ Yes, we have any thing. Any thing's nothing, they say. + [_Aside._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ Dan, bustle about; and see the room ready, and all +tidy; do you hear? + +_Dan._ I wull. + +_Mrs. Brul._ What would you like to drink, sir? + +_Pereg._ O, mine is an accommodating palate, hostess. I have +swallowed burgundy with the French, hollands with the Dutch, sherbet +with a Turk, sloe juice with an Englishman, and water with a simple +Gentoo. + +_Dan._ [_Going._] Dang me, but he's a rum customer! It's my opinion, +he'll take a fancy to our sour beer. [_Exit into the House_ + +_Pereg._ Is your house far from the sea-shore? + +_Mrs. Brul._ About three miles, sir. + +_Pereg._ So!--And I have wandered upon the heath four hours, before +day-break. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Lackaday! has any thing happened to you, sir? + +_Pereg._ Shipwreck--that's all. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Mercy on us! cast away? + +_Pereg._ On your coast, here. + +_Dennis._ Then, compliment apart, sir, you take a ducking as if you +had been used to it. + +_Pereg._ Life's a lottery, friend; and man should make up his mind +to the blanks. On what part of Cornwall am I thrown? + +_Mrs. Brul._ We are two miles from Penzance, sir. + +_Pereg._ Ha!--from Penzance!--that's lucky! + +_Mrs. Brul_ [_Aside to DENNIS._] Lucky!--Then he'll go on, without +drinking at our house. + +_Dennis._ A hem!--Sir, there has been a great big thunder storm at +Penzance, and all the beer in the town's as thick as mustard. + +_Pereg._ I feel chill'd--get me a glass of brandy. + +_Dennis._ Och, the devil! [_Aside._] Bring the brandy bottle for the +jontleman, my jewel. [_Aloud to his Wife._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart._] Dont you know you've emptied it, you sot, +you! + +_Dennis._ [_Apart._] Draw a mug of beer--I'll palaver him. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart, and going._] Ah! if you would but follow my +advice! [_Exit into the House._ + +_Dennis._ You see that woman that's gone sir,--she's my wife, poor +soul! She has but one misfortune, and that's a wapper. + +_Pereg._ What's that? + +_Dennis._ We had as a neat a big bottle of brandy, a week ago--and +damn the drop's left. But I say nothing--she's my wife, poor +creature! and she can tell who drank it. Would'nt you like a sup of +sour--I mean, of our strong beer? + +_Pereg._ Pshaw! no matter what. Tell me, is a person of the name of +Thornberry still living in Penzance? + +_Dennis._ Is it one Mr. Thornberry you are asking after? + +_Pereg._ Yes. When I first saw him (indeed, it was the first time +and the last), he had just begun to adventure humbly in trade. His +stock was very slender, but his neighbours accounted him a kindly +man--and I know they spoke the truth. Thirty years ago, after half +an hour's intercourse, which proved to me his benevolent nature, I +squeezed his hand, and parted. + +_Dennis._ Thirty years! 'Faith, after half an hour's dish of talk, +that's a reasonable long time to remember! + +_Pereg._ Not at all; for he did me a genuine service; and gratitude +writes the records in the heart, that, till it ceases to beat, they +may live in the memory. + + _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY, with a Mug of Beer._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart to DENNIS._] What have you said about the +brandy bottle? + +_Dennis._ [_Apart._] I told him you broke it, one day. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart._] Ah! I am always the shelter for your sins. + +_Dennis._ Hush!--[_To PERG._] You know, sir, I--hem!--I mention'd to +you poor Mrs. Brulgruddery's misfortune. + +_Pereg._ Ha, ha! you did indeed, friend. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I am very sorry, sir, but-- + +_Dennis._ Be asy, my lambkin! the jontleman excuses it. You are not +the first that has crack'd a bottle, you know.--Here's your beer, +sir. [_Taking it from his Wife._] I'm not of a blushing nation, or +I'd be shame-faced to give it him.--[_Aside._] My jewel, the +jontleman was asking after one Mr. Thornberry. + [_Delaying to give the Beer._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ What! old Job Thornberry of Penzance, sir? + +_Pereg._ The very same. You know him, then? + +_Mrs. Brul._ Very well, by hearsay, sir. He has lived there upwards +of thirty years. A very thriving man now, and well to do in the +world;--as others might be, too, if they would but follow my advice. + [_To DENNIS._ + +_Pereg._ I rejoice to hear it. Give me the beer, Landlord; I'll +drink his health in humble malt, then hasten to visit him. + +_Dennis. [Aside._] By St. Patrick, then, you'll make wry faces on +the road. [_Gives him the mug._ + + [_As PEREGRINE is about to drink, a Shriek + is heard at a small Distance._ + +_Pereg._ Ha! the voice of a female in distress? Then 'tis a man's +business to fly to her protection. + [_Dashes the Mug on the Ground. Exit._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ Wheugh! what a whirligigg! Why, Dennis, the man's mad! + +_Dennis._ I think that thing. + +_Mrs. Brul._ He has thrown down all the beer, before he tasted a +drop. + +_Dennis._ That's it: if he had chuck'd it away afterwards, I +shou'dn't have wonder'd. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Here he comes again;--and, I declare, with a young +woman leaning on his shoulder. + +_Dennis._ A young woman! let me have a bit of a peep. [_Looking +out._] Och, the crater! Och, the-- + +_Mrs. Brul._ Heyday! I should'n't have thought of your peeping after +a young woman, indeed! + +_Dennis._ Be asy, Mrs. Brulgruddery! it's a way we have in +Ireland.--There's a face! + +_Mrs. Brul._ Well, and hav'n't I a face, pray? + +_Dennis._ That you have, my lambkin! You have had one these fifty +years, I'll bound for you. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Fifty years! you are the greatest brute that ever dug +potatoes. + + _Re-enter PEREGRINE, supporting MARY._ + +_Pereg._ This way. Cheer your spirits; the ruffian with whom I saw +you struggling, has fled across the Heath; but his speed prevented +my saving your property. Was your money, too, in the parcel with +your clothes? + +_Mary._ All I possessed in the world, sir;--and he has so +frighten'd me!--Indeed. I thank you, sir; indeed I do! + +_Pereg._ Come, come, compose yourself. Whither are you going, pretty +one? + +_Mary._ I must not tell, sir. + +_Pereg._ Then whither do you come from? + +_Mary._ No body must know, sir. + +_Pereg._ Umph! Then your proceedings, child, are a secret? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Pereg._ Yet you appear to need a friend to direct them. A heath is +a rare place to find one: in the absence of a better, confide in me. + +_Mary._ You forget that you are a stranger, sir. + +_Pereg._ I always do--when the defenceless want my assistance. + +_Mary._ But, perhaps you might betray me, sir. + +_Pereg._ Never--by the honour of a man! + +_Mary._ Pray don't swear by that, sir! for, then, you'll betray me, +I'm certain. + +_Pereg._ Have you ever suffered from treachery, then, poor +innocence? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Pereg._ And may not one of your own sex have been treacherous to +you? + +_Mary._ No, sir; I'm very sure he was a man. + +_Dennis._ Oh, the blackguard! + +_Mrs. Brul._ Hold your tongue, do! + +_Pereg._ Listen to me, child. I would proffer you friendship, for +your own sake--for the sake of benevolence. When ages, indeed, are +nearly equal, nature is prone to breathe so warmly on the blossoms +of a friendship between the sexes, that the fruit is desire; but +time, fair one, is scattering snow on my temples, while Hebe waves +her freshest ringlets over yours. Rely, then, on one who has +numbered years sufficient to correct his passions; who has +encountered difficulties enough to teach him sympathy; and who would +stretch forth his hand to a wandering female, and shelter her like a +father. + +_Mary._ Oh, sir! I do want protection sadly indeed! I am very +miserable! [_Weeping._ + +_Pereg._ Come, do not droop. The cause of your distress, perhaps, is +trifling; but, light gales of adversity will make women weep. A +woman's tear falls like the dew that zephyrs shake from roses.--Nay, +confide in me. + +_Mary._ I will, sir; but---- [_Looking round._ + +_Pereg._ Leave us a little, honest friends. + +_Dennis._ A hem!--Come, Mrs. Brulgruddery! let you and I pair off, +my lambkin! + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Going._] Ah! she's no better than she should be, I'll +warrant her. + +_Dennis._ By the powers, she's well enough though, for all that. + [_Exeunt DENNIS and MRS. BRUL. into the House._ + +_Pereg._ Now, sweet one, your name? + +_Mary._ Mary, sir. + +_Pereg._ What else? + +_Mary._ Don't ask me that, sir: my poor father might be sorry it was +mentioned, now. + +_Pereg._ Have you quitted your father, then? + +_Mary._ I left his house at day-break, this morning, sir. + +_Pereg._ What is he? + +_Mary._ A tradesman in the neighbouring town, sir. + +_Pereg._ Is he aware of your departure? + +_Mary._ No, sir, + +_Pereg._ And your mother--? + +_Mary._ I was very little, when she died, sir. + +_Pereg._ Has your father, since her death, treated you with cruelty? + +_Mary._ He? Oh, bless him! no! he is the kindest father that ever +breathed, sir. + +_Pereg._ How must such a father be agonized by the loss of his +child! + +_Mary._ Pray, sir, don't talk of that! + +_Pereg._ Why did you fly from him? + +_Mary._ Sir, I----I----but that's my story, sir. + +_Pereg._ Relate it, then. + +_Mary._ Yes, sir.--You must know, then, sir, that--there was a young +gentleman in this neighbourhood, that--O dear, sir, I'm quite +ashamed! + +_Pereg._ Come, child, I will relieve you from the embarrassment of +narration, and sum up your history in one word;--love. + +_Mary._ That's the beginning of it, sir; but a great deal happen'd +afterwards. + +_Pereg._ And who is the hero of your story, my poor girl? + +_Mary._ The hero of----? O, I understand--he is much above me in +fortune, sir. To be sure, I should have thought of that, before he +got such power over my heart, to make me so wretched, now he has +deserted me. + +_Pereg._ He would have thought of that, had his own heart been +generous. + +_Mary._ He is reckon'd very generous, sir; he can afford to be so. +When the old gentleman dies, he will have all the great family +estate. I am going to the house, now, sir. + +_Pereg._ For what purpose? + +_Mary._ To try if I can see him for the last time, sir: to tell him +I shall always pray for his happiness, when I am far away from a +place which he has made it misery for me to abide in;--and to beg +him to give me a little supply of money, now I am pennyless, and +from home, to help me to London; where I may get into service, and +nobody will know me. + +_Pereg._ And what are his reasons, child, for thus deserting you? + +_Mary._ He sent me his reasons, by letter, yesterday, sir. He is to +be married next week, to a lady of high fortune. His father, he +says, insists upon it. I know I am born below him; but after the +oaths we plighted, Heaven knows, the news was a sad, sad shock to +me! I did not close my eyes last night; my poor brain was burning; +and, as soon as day broke, I left the house of my dear father, whom +I should tremble to look at, when he discover'd my story;--which I +could not long conceal from him. + +_Pereg._ Poor, lovely, heart-bruised wanderer! O wealthy despoilers +of humble innocence! splendid murderers of virtue; who make your +vice your boast, and fancy female ruin a feather in your caps of +vanity--single out a victim you have abandoned, and, in your hours +of death, contemplate her!--view her, care-worn, friendless, +pennyless;--hear her tale of sorrows, fraught with her remorse,--her +want,--a hard world's scoffs, her parents' anguish;--then, if ye +dare, look inward upon your own bosoms; and if they be not +conscience proof what must be your compunctions!--Who is his father, +child? + +_Mary._ Sir Simon Rochdale, sir, of the Manor-house, hard by. + +_Pereg._ [_Surprised._] Indeed! + +_Mary._ Perhaps you know him, sir? + +_Pereg._ I have heard of him;--and, on your account, shall visit +him. + +_Mary._ Oh, pray, sir, take care what you do! if you should bring +his son into trouble, by mentioning me, I should never, never +forgive myself. + +_Pereg._ Trust to my caution.--Promise only to remain at this house, +till I return from a business which calls me, immediately, two miles +hence; I will hurry back to pursue measures for your welfare, with +more hope of success, than your own weak means, poor simplicity, +are likely to effect. What say you? + +_Mary._ I hardly know what to say, sir--you seem good,--and I am +little able to help myself. + +_Pereg._ You consent, then? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Pereg._ [_Calling._] Landlord! + + _Enter DENNIS, from the Door of the House--MRS. + BRULGRUDDERY following._ + +_Dennis._ Did you call, sir?--Arrah, now, Mrs. Brulgruddery, you are +peeping after the young woman yourself. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I chuse it. + +_Pereg._ Prepare your room, good folks; and get the best +accommodation you can for this young person. + +_Dennis._ That I will, with all my heart and soul, sir. + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Sulkily._] I don't know that we have any room at all, +for my part. + +_Dennis._ Whew! She's in her tantrums. + +_Mrs. Brul._ People of repute can't let in young women (found upon a +heath, forsooth), without knowing who's who. I have learn'd the ways +of the world, sir. + +_Pereg._ So it seems:--which too often teach you to over-rate the +little good you can do in it: and to shut the door when the +distressed entreat you to throw it open. But I have learnt the ways +of the world too. [_Taking out his Purse._] I shall return in a few +hours. Provide all the comforts you can; and here are a couple of +guineas, to send for any refreshments you have not in the house. + [_Giving Money._ + +_Dennis._ Mighty pretty handsel for the Red Cow, my lambkin! + +_Mrs. Brul._ A couple of guineas! Lord, sir! if I thought you had +been such a gentleman!--Pray, miss, walk in! your poor dear, little +feet must be quite wet with our nasty roads. I beg pardon, sir; but +character's every thing in our business; and I never lose sight of +my own credit. + +_Dennis._ That you don't--till you see other people's ready money. + +_Pereg._ Go in, child. I shall soon be with you again. + +_Mary._ You _will_ return, then, sir? + +_Pereg._ Speedily. Rely on me. + +_Mary._ I shall, sir;--I am sure I may. Heaven bless you, sir! + +_Mrs. Brul._ This way, miss; this way! [_Courtesying._ + [_Exeunt MARY and LANDLADY, into the House._ + +_Dennis._ Long life to your honour, for protecting the petticoats! +sweet creatures! I'd like to protect them myself, by bushels. + +_Pereg._ Can you get me a guide, friend, to conduct me to Penzance? + +_Dennis._ Get you a guide! There's Dan, my servant, shall skip +before you over the bogs, like a grasshopper. Oh, by the powers! my +heart's full to see your generosity, and I owe you a favour in +return:--never you call for any of my beer, till I get a fresh tap. + [_Exit into the House._ + +_Pereg._ Now for my friend, Thornberry; then hither again, to +interest myself in the cause of this unfortunate: for which many +would call me Quixote; many would cant out "shame!" but I care not +for the stoics, nor the puritans. Genuine nature and unsophisticated +morality, that turn disgusted from the rooted adepts in vice, have +ever a reclaiming tear to shed on the children of error. Then, let +the sterner virtues, that allow no plea for human frailty, stalk on +to paradise without me! The mild associate of my journey thither +shall be charity:--and my pilgrimage to the shrine of mercy will +not, I trust, be worse performed for having aided the weak, on my +way, who have stumbled in their progress. + + _Enter DAN, from the House._ + +_Dan._ I be ready, zur. + +_Pereg._ For what, friend? + +_Dan._ Measter says you be a-going to Penzance; if you be agreeable, +I'll keep you company. + +_Pereg._ Oh--the guide. You belong to the house? + +_Dan._ Ees, zur; Ise enow to do: I be head waiter and hostler:--only +we never have no horses, nor customers. + +_Pereg._ The path I fancy, is difficult to find. Do you never +deviate? + +_Dan._ Na, zur,--I always whistles. + +_Pereg._ Come on, friend.--It seems a dreary rout: but how cheerily +the eye glances over a sterile tract, when the habitation of a +benefactor, whom we are approaching to requite, lies in the +perspective! [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE SECOND. + +SCENE I. + + + _A Library in the House of SIR SIMON ROCHDALE; Books + scattered on a Writing Table._ + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._ + +_Shuff._ No body up yet? I thought so. + + _Enter SERVANT._ + +Ah, John, is it you? How d'ye do, John? + +_John._ Thank your honour, I---- + +_Shuff._ Yes, you look so. Sir Simon Rochdale in bed? Mr. Rochdale +not risen? Well! no matter; I have travelled all night, though, to +be with them. How are they? + +_John._ Sir, they are both---- + +_Shuff._ I'm glad to hear it. Pay the postboy for me. + +_John._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, sir; but when your honour last left +us---- + +_Shuff._ Owed you three pound five. I remember: have you down in my +memorandums--Honourable Tom Shuffleton debtor to---- What's your +name? + +_John._ My christian name, sir, is---- + +_Shuff._ Muggins--I recollect. Pay the postboy, Muggins. And, +harkye, take particular care of the chaise: I borrowed it of my +friend, Bobby Fungus, who sprang up a peer, in the last bundle of +Barons: if a single knob is knocked out of his new coronets, he'll +make me a sharper speech than ever he'll produce in parliament. And, +John! + +_John._ Sir! + +_Shuff._ What was I going to say? + +_John._ Indeed, sir, I can't tell. + +_Shuff._ No more can I. 'Tis the fashion to be absent--that's the +way I forgot your little bill. There, run along. [_Exit JOHN._] I've +the whirl of Bobby's chaise in my head still. Cursed fatiguing, +posting all night, through Cornish roads, to obey the summons of +friendship! Convenient, in some respects, for all that. If all +loungers, of slender revenues, like mine, could command a constant +succession of invitations, from men of estates in the country, how +amazingly it would tend to the thinning of Bond Street! [_Throws +himself into a Chair near the Writing Table._] Let me see--what has +Sir Simon been reading?--"Burn's Justice"--true; the old man's +reckoned the ablest magistrate in the county. he hasn't cut open the +leaves, I see. "Chesterfield's Letters"--pooh! his system of +education is extinct: Belcher and the Butcher have superseded it. +"Clarendon's History of----." + + _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE._ + +_Sir Simon._ Ah, my dear Tom Shuffleton! + +_Shuff._ Baronet! how are you? + +_Sir Simon._ Such expedition is kind now! You got my letter at Bath, +and---- + +_Shuff._ Saw it was pressing:--here I am. Cut all my engagements for +you, and came off like a shot. + +_Sir Simon._ Thank you: thank you, heartily! + +_Shuff._ Left every thing at sixes and sevens. + +_Sir Simon._ Gad, I'm sorry if---- + +_Shuff._ Don't apologize;--nobody does, now. Left all my bills, in +the place, unpaid. + +_Sir Simon._ Bless me! I've made it monstrous inconvenient! + +_Shuff._ Not a bit--I give you my honour, I did'nt find it +inconvenient at all. How is Frank Rochdale? + +_Sir Simon._ Why, my son is'nt up yet; and before he's stirring, do +let me talk to you, my dear Tom Shuffleton! I have something near my +heart, that-- + +_Shuff._ Don't talk about your heart, Baronet;--feeling's quite out +of fashion. + +_Sir Simon._ Well, then, I'm interested in---- + +_Shuff._ Aye, stick to that. We make a joke of the heart, +now-a-days; but when a man mentions his interest, we know he's in +earnest. + +_Sir Simon._ Zounds! I am in earnest. Let me speak, and call my +motives what you will. + +_Shuff._ Speak--but don't be in a passion. We are always cool at the +clubs: the constant habit of ruining one another, teaches us temper. +Explain. + +_Sir Simon._ Well, I will. You know, my dear Tom, how much I admire +your proficiency in the New school of breeding;--you are, what I +call, one of the highest finished fellows of the present day. + +_Shuff._ Psha! Baronet; you flatter. + +_Sir Simon._ No, I don't; only in extolling the merits of the newest +fashion'd manners and morals, I am sometimes puzzled, by the plain +gentlemen, who listen to me, here in the country, most consumedly. + +_Shuff._ I don't doubt it. + +_Sir Simon._ Why, 'twas but t'other morning, I was haranguing old +Sir Noah Starchington, in my library, and explaining to him the +shining qualities of a dasher, of the year eighteen hundred and +three; and what do you think he did? + +_Shuff._ Fell asleep. + +_Sir Simon._ No; he pull'd down an English dictionary; when (if +you'll believe me! he found my definition of stylish living, under +the word "insolvency;" a fighting crop turn'd out a "dock'd bull +dog;" and modern gallantry, "adultery and seduction." + +_Shuff._ Noah Starchington is a damn'd old twaddler.--But the fact +is, Baronet, we improve. We have voted many qualities to be virtues, +now, that they never thought of calling virtues formerly. The rising +generation wants a new dictionary, damnably. + +_Sir Simon._ Deplorably, indeed! You can't think, my dear Tom, what +a scurvy figure you, and the dashing fellows of your kidney, make in +the old ones. But you have great influence over my son Frank; and +want you to exert it. You are his intimate--you come here, and pass +two or three months at a time, you know. + +_Shuff._ Yes--this is a pleasant house. + +_Sir Simon._ You ride his horses, as if they were your own. + +_Shuff._ Yes--he keeps a good stable. + +_Sir Simon._ You drink our claret with him, till his head aches. + +_Shuff._ Your's is famous claret, Baronet. + +_Sir Simon._ You worm out his secrets: you win his money; you----. +In short, you are---- + +_Shuff._ His friend, according to the next new dictionary. That's +what you mean, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Exactly.--But, let me explain. Frank, if he doesn't +play the fool, and spoil all, is going to be married. + +_Shuff._ To how much? + +_Sir Simon._ Damn it, now, how like a modern man of the world that +is! Formerly they would have asked to who. + +_Shuff._ We never do, now;--fortune's every thing. We say, "a good +match," at the west end of the town, as they say "a good man," in +the city;--the phrase refers merely to money. Is she rich? + +_Sir Simon._ Four thousand a-year. + +_Shuff._ What a devilish desirable woman! Frank's a happy dog! + +_Sir Simon._ He's a miserable puppy. He has no more notion, my dear +Tom, of a modern "good match," than Eve had of pin money. + +_Shuff._ What are his objections to it? + +_Sir Simon._ I have smoked him; but he doesn't know that;--a silly, +sly amour, in another quarter. + +_Shuff._ An amour! That's a very unfashionable reason for declining +matrimony. + +_Sir Simon._ You know his romantic flights. The blockhead, I +believe, is so attach'd, I shou'dn't wonder if he flew off at a +tangent, and married the girl that has bewitch'd him. + +_Shuff._ Who is she? + +_Sir Simon._ She--hem!--she lives with her father, in Penzance. + +_Shuff._ And who is he? + +_Sir Simon._ He----upon my soul I'm asham'd to tell you. + +_Shuff._ Don't be asham'd; we never blush at any thing, in the New +School. + +_Sir Simon._ Damn me, my dear Tom, if he isn't a brazier! + +_Shuff._ The devil! + +_Sir Simon._ A dealer in kitchen candlesticks, coal skuttles, +coppers, and cauldrons. + +_Shuff._ And is the girl pretty? + +_Sir Simon._ So they tell me;--a plump little devil, as round as a +tea kettle. + +_Shuff._ I'll be after the brazier's daughter, to-morrow. + +_Sir Simon._ But you have weight with him. Talk to him, my dear +Tom--reason with him; try your power, Tom, do! + +_Shuff._ I don't much like plotting with the father against the +son--that's reversing the New School, Baronet. + +_Sir Simon._ But it will serve Frank: it will serve me, who wish to +serve you. And to prove that I do wish it, I have been keeping +something in embryo for you, my dear Tom Shuffleton, against your +arrival. + +_Shuff._ For me? + +_Sir Simon._ When you were last leaving us, if you recollect, you +mention'd, in a kind of a way, a--a sort of an intention of a loan, +of an odd five hundred pounds. + +_Shuff._ Did I? I believe I might.--When I intend to raise money, I +always give my friends the preference. + +_Sir Simon._ I told you I was out of cash then, I remember. + +_Shuff._ Yes: that's just what I told you, I remember. + +_Sir Simon._ I have the sum floating by me, now, and much at your +service. [_Presenting it._ + +_Shuff._ Why, as it's lying idle, Baronet, I--I--don't much care if +I employ it. [_Taking it._ + +_Sir Simon._ Use your interest with Frank, now. + +_Shuff._ Rely on me.--Shall I give you my note? + +_Sir Simon._ No, my dear Tom, that's an unnecessary trouble. + +_Shuff._ Why that's true--with one who knows me so well as you. + +_Sir Simon._ Your verbal promise to pay, is quite as good. + +_Shuff._ I'll see if Frank's stirring. [_Going._ + +_Sir Simon._ And I must talk to my steward. [_Going._ + +_Shuff._ Baronet! + +_Sir Simon._ [_Returning._] Eh? + +_Shuff._ Pray, do you employ the phrase, "verbal promise to pay," +according to the reading of old dictionaries, or as it's the fashion +to use it at present. + +_Sir Simon._ Oh, damn it, chuse your own reading, and I'm content. + [_Exeunt severally._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _A Dressing Room._ + + _FRANK ROCHDALE writing; WILLIAMS attending._ + +_Frank._ [_Throwing down the Pen._] It don't signify--I cannot +write. I blot, and tear; and tear, and blot; and----. Come here, +Williams. Do let me hear you, once more. Why the devil don't you +come here? + +_Williams._ I am here, sir. + +_Frank._ Well, well; my good fellow, tell me. You found means to +deliver her the letter yesterday? + +_Williams._ Yes, sir. + +_Frank._ And, she read it----and----did you say, she--she was very +much affected, when she read it? + +_Williams._ I told you last night, sir;--she look'd quite death +struck, as I may say. + +_Frank._ [_Much affected._] Did----did she weep, Williams? + +_Williams._ No, sir; but I did afterwards--I don't know what ail'd +me; but, when I got out of the house, into the street, I'll be +hang'd if I did'nt cry like a child. + +_Frank._ You are an honest fellow, Williams. [_A Knock at the Door +of the Room._] See who is at the door. [_WILLIAMS opens the Door._ + + _Enter JOHN._ + +_Williams._ Well, what's the matter? + +_John._ There's a man in the porter's lodge, says he won't go away +without speaking to Mr. Francis. + +_Frank._ See who it is, Williams. Send him to me, if necessary; but +don't let me be teased, without occasion. + +_Williams._ I'll take care, sir. [_Exeunt WILLIAMS and JOHN._ + +_Frank._ Must I marry this woman, whom my father has chosen for me; +whom I expect here to-morrow? And must I, then, be told 'tis +criminal to love my poor, deserted Mary, because our hearts are +illicitly attach'd? Illicit for the heart? fine phraseology! Nature +disowns the restriction; I cannot smother her dictates with the +polity of governments, and fall in, or out of love, as the law +directs. + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY._ + +Well, friend, who do you come from? + +_Dennis._ I come from the Red Cow, sir. + +_Frank._ The Red Cow? + +_Dennis._ Yes, sir!--upon Muckslush Heath--hard by your honour's +father's house, here. I'd be proud of your custom, sir, and all the +good looking family's. + +_Frank._ [_Impatiently._] Well, well, your business? + +_Dennis._ That's what the porter ax'd me, "Tell me your business, +honest man," says he--"I'll see you damn'd first, sir," says +I:--"I'll tell it your betters;--and that's Mr. Francis Rochdale, +Esquire." + +_Frank._ Zounds! then, why don't you tell it? I am Mr. Francis +Rochdale.--Who the devil sent you here? + +_Dennis._ Troth, sir, it was good nature whisper'd me to come to +your honour: but I believe I've disremembered her directions, for +damn the bit do you seem acquainted with her. + +_Frank._ Well, my good friend, I don't mean to be violent; only be +so good as to explain your business. + +_Dennis._ Oh, with all the pleasure in life.--Give me good words, +and I'm as aisy as an ould glove: but bite my nose off with mustard, +and have at you with pepper,--that's my way.--There's a little +crature at my house;--she's crying her eyes out;--and she won't get +such another pair at the Red Cow; for I've left nobody with her but +Mrs. Brulgruddery. + +_Frank._ With her? with who? Who are you talking off? + +_Dennis._ I'd like to know her name myself, sir;--but I have heard +but half of it;--and that's Mary. + +_Frank._ Mary!--Can it be she?--Wandering on a heath! seeking refuge +in a wretched hovel! + +_Dennis._ A hovel! O fie for shame of yourself, to misbecall a +genteel tavern! I'd have you to know my parlour is clean sanded once +a week. + +_Frank._ Tell me, directly--what brought her to your house? + +_Dennis._ By my soul, it was Adam's own carriage: a ten-toed machine +the haymakers keep in Ireland. + +_Frank._ Damn it, fellow, don't trifle, but tell your story; and, if +you can, intelligibly. + +_Dennis._ Don't be bothering my brains, then, or you'll get it as +clear as mud. Sure the young crature can't fly away from the Red +Cow, while I'm explaining to you the rights on't--Didn't she +promise the gentleman to stay till he came back? + +_Frank._ Promised a gentleman!--Who?--who is the gentleman? + +_Dennis._ Arrah, now, where did you larn manners? Would you ax a +customer his birth, parentage, and education? "Heaven bless you, +sir, you'll come back again?" says she--"That's what I will, before +you can say, parsnips, my darling," says he. + +_Frank._ Damnation! what does this mean?--explain your errand, +clearly, you scoundrel, or-- + +_Dennis._ Scoundrel!--Don't be after affronting a housekeeper. +Havn't I a sign at my door, three pigs, a wife, and a man sarvant? + +_Frank._ Well, go on. + +_Dennis._ Damn the word more will I tell you. + +_Frank._ Why, you infernal---- + +_Dennis._ Oh, be asy!--see what you get, now, by affronting Mr. +Dennis Brulgruddery. [_Searching his Pockets._] I'd have talk'd for +an hour, if you had kept a civil tongue in your head!--but now, you +may read the letter. [_Giving it._ + +_Frank._ A letter!--stupid booby!--why didn't you give it to me at +first?--Yes, it is her hand. [_Opens the Letter._ + +_Dennis._ Stupid!--If you're so fond of letters, you might larn to +behave yourself to the postman. + +_Frank._ [_Reading and agitated._]--_Not going to upbraid +you--Couldn't rest at my father's--Trifling assistance_--Oh, Heaven! +does she then want assistance?--_The gentleman who has befriended +me_--damnation!--the gentleman!--_Your unhappy Mary._--Scoundrel +that I am!--what is she suffering!--but who, who is this +gentleman?--no matter--she is distress'd, heart breaking! and I, who +have been the cause;--I, who----here----[_Running to a Writing +Table, and opening a Drawer_] Run--fly--despatch!-- + +_Dennis._ He's mad! + +_Frank._ Say, I will be at your house, myself--remember, positively +come, or send, in the course of the day.--In the mean time, take +this, and give it to the person who sent you. + + _Giving a Purse, which he has taken from the Drawer._ + +_Dennis._ A purse!--'faith, and I'll take it.--Do you know how much +is in the inside? + +_Frank._ Psha! no.--No matter. + +_Dennis._ Troth, now, if I'd trusted a great big purse to a +stranger, they'd have call'd it a bit of a bull:--but let you and I +count it out between us, [_Pouring the Money on the Table._] for, +damn him, say I, who would cheat a poor girl in distress, of the +value of a rap.--One, two, three, &c. [_Counting._ + +_Frank._ Worthy, honest fellow! + +_Dennis._ Eleven, twelve, thirteen-- + +_Frank._ I'll be the making of your house, my good fellow. + +_Dennis._ Damn the Red Cow, sir,--you put me out.--Seventeen, +eighteen, nineteen.--Nineteen fat yellow boys, and a seven shilling +piece.--Tell them yourself, sir; then chalk them up over the +chimney-piece, else you'll forget, you know. + +_Frank._ O, friend, when honesty, so palpably natural as yours, +keeps the account, I care not for my arithmetic.--Fly now,--bid the +servants give you any refreshment you chuse; then hasten to execute +your commission. + +_Dennis._ Thank your honour!--good luck to you! I'll taste the +beer;--but, by my soul, if the butler comes the Red Cow over me, +I'll tell him, I know sweet from sour. _Exit DENNIS._ + +_Frank._ Let me read her letter once more. [_Reads._ + +_I am not going to upbraid you; but after I got your letter, I could +not rest at my father's, where I once knew happiness and +innocence.--I wish'd to have taken a last leave of you, and to beg a +trifling assistance;--but the gentleman who has befriended me in my +wanderings, would not suffer me to do so; yet I could not help +writing, to tell you, I am quitting this neighbourhood for +ever!--That you may never know a moment's sorrow, will always be the +prayer of_ + _Your unhappy_ + MARY. + +My mind is hell to me! love, sorrow, remorse, and--yes--and +jealousy, all distract me:--and no counsellor to advise with; no +friend to whom I may-- + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._ + +_Frank._ Tom Shuffleton! you never arrived more apropos in your +life. + +_Shuff._ That's what the women always say to me. I've rumbled on the +road, all night, Frank. My bones ache, my head's muzzy--and we'll +drink two bottles of claret a-piece, after dinner, to enliven us. + +_Frank._ You seem in spirits, Tom, I think, now. + +_Shuff._ Yes;--I have had a windfall--Five hundred pounds. + +_Frank._ A legacy? + +_Shuff._ No.--The patient survives who was sick of his money. 'Tis a +loan from a friend. + +_Frank._ 'Twould be a pity, then, Tom, if the patient experienced +improper treatment. + +_Shuff._ Why, that's true:--but his case is so rare, that it isn't +well understood, I believe. Curse me, my dear Frank, if the disease +of lending is epidemic. + +_Frank._ But the disease of trying to borrow, my dear Tom, I am +afraid, is. + +_Shuff._ Very prevalent, indeed, at the west end of the town. + +_Frank._ And as dangerous, Tom, as the small-pox. They should +inoculate for it. + +_Shuff._ That wouldn't be a bad scheme; but I took it naturally. +Psha! damn it, don't shake your head. Mine's but a mere _facon de +parler_: just as we talk to one another about our coats:--we never +say, "Who's your tailor?" We always ask, "Who suffers?" Your father +tells me you are going to be married; I give you joy. + +_Frank._ Joy! I have known nothing but torment, and misery, since +this cursed marriage has been in agitation. + +_Shuff._ Umph! Marriage was a weighty affair, formerly; so was a +family coach;--but domestic duties, now, are like town +chariots;--they must be made light, to be fashionable. + +_Frank._ Oh, do not trifle. By acceding to this match, in obedience +to my father, I leave to all the pangs of remorse, and disappointed +love, a helpless, humble girl, and rend the fibres of a generous, +but too credulous heart, by cancelling like a villain, the oaths +with which I won it. + +_Shuff._ I understand:--A snug thing in the country.--Your wife, +they tell me, will have four thousand a year. + +_Frank._ What has that to do with sentiment? + +_Shuff._ I don't know what you may think; but, if a man said to me, +plump, "Sir, I am very fond of four thousand a year;" I should +say,--"Sir, I applaud your sentiment very highly." + +_Frank._ But how does he act, who offers his hand to one woman, at +the very moment his heart is engaged to another? + +_Shuff._ He offers a great sacrifice. + +_Frank._ And where is the reparation to the unfortunate he has +deserted? + +_Shuff._ An annuity.--A great many unfortunates sport a stylish +carriage, up and down St. James's street, upon such a provision. + +_Frank._ An annuity, flowing from the fortune, I suppose, of the +woman I marry! is that delicate? + +_Shuff._ 'Tis convenient. We liquidate debts of play, and usury, +from the same resources. + +_Frank._ And call a crowd of jews and gentlemen gamesters together, +to be settled with, during the debtor's honeymoon! + +_Shuff._ No, damn it, it wouldn't be fair to jumble the jews into +the same room with our gaming acquaintance. + +_Frank._ Why so? + +_Shuff._ Because, twenty to one, the first half of the creditors +would begin dunning the other. + +_Frank._ Nay, far once in your life be serious. Read this, which has +wrung my heart, and repose it, as a secret, in your own. + [_Giving the Letter._ + +_Shuff._ [_Glancing over it._] A pretty, little, crowquill kind of a +hand.--_"Happiness,--innocence,--trifling assistance--gentleman +befriended me--unhappy Mary."_--Yes, I see--[_Returning it._]--She +wants money, but has got a new friend.--The style's neat, but the +subject isn't original. + +_Frank._ Will you serve me at this crisis? + +_Shuff._ Certainly. + +_Frank._ I wish you to see my poor Mary in the course of the day. +Will you talk to her? + +_Shuff._ O yes--I'll talk to her. Where is she to be seen? + +_Frank._ She writes, you see, that she has abruptly left her +father--and I learn, by the messenger, that she is now in a +miserable, retired house, on the neighbouring heath.--That mustn't +deter you from going. + +_Shuff._ Me? Oh, dear no--I'm used to it. I don't care how retired +the house is. + +_Frank._ Come down to my father to breakfast. I will tell you +afterwards all I wish you to execute.--Oh, Tom! this business has +unhinged me for society. Rigid morality, after all, is the best coat +of mail for the conscience. + +_Shuff._ Our ancestors, who wore mail, admired it amazingly; but to +mix in the gay world, with their rigid morality, would be as +singular as stalking into a drawing-room in their armour:--for +dissipation is now the fashionable habit, with which, like a brown +coat, a man goes into company, to avoid being stared at. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE III. + + + _An Apartment in JOB THORNBERRY'S House._ + + _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, in a Night Gown, and BUR._ + +_Bur._ Don't take on so--don't you, now! pray, listen to reason. + +_Job._ I won't. + +_Bur._ Pray do! + +_Job._ I won't. Reason bid me love my child, and help my +friend:--what's the consequence? my friend has run one way, and +broke up my trade; my daughter has run another, and broke my----No, +she shall never have it to say she broke my heart. If I hang myself +for grief, she shan't know she made me. + +_Bur._ Well, but, master-- + +_Job._ And reason told me to take you into my shop, when the fat +church wardens starved you at the workhouse,--damn their want of +feeling for it!--and you were thump'd about, a poor, unoffending, +ragged-rump'd boy, as you were--I wonder you hav'n't run away from +me too. + +_Bur._ That's the first real unkind word you ever said to me. I've +sprinkled your shop two-and-twenty years, and never miss'd a +morning. + +_Job._ The bailiffs are below, clearing the goods: you won't have +the trouble any longer. + +_Bur._ Trouble! Lookye, old Job Thornberry-- + +_Job._ Well! What, you are going to be saucy to me, now I'm ruin'd? + +_Bur._ Don't say one cutting thing after another.--You have been as +noted, all round our town, for being a kind man, as being a blunt +one. + +_Job._ Blunt or sharp, I've been honest. Let them look at my +ledger--they'll find it right. I began upon a little; I made that +little great, by industry; I never cringed to a customer, to get him +into my books, that I might hamper him with an overcharged bill, for +long credit; I earn'd my fair profits; I paid my fair way; I break +by the treachery of a friend, and my first dividend will be +seventeen shillings in the pound. I wish every tradesman in England +may clap his hand on his heart, and say as much, when he asks a +creditor to sign his certificate. + +_Bur._ 'Twas I kept your ledger, all the time. + +_Job._ I know you did. + +_Bur._ From the time you took me out of the workhouse. + +_Job._ Psha! rot the workhouse! + +_Bur._ You never mention'd it to me yourself till to-day. + +_Job._ I said it in a hurry. + +_Bur._ And I've always remember'd it at leisure. I don't want to +brag, but I hope I've been found faithful. It's rather hard to tell +poor John Bur, the workhouse boy, after clothing, feeding, and +making him your man of trust, for two and twenty years, that you +wonder he don't run away from you, now you're in trouble. + +_Job._ [_Affected._] John--I beg your pardon. + [_Stretching out his Hand._ + +_Bur._ [_Taking his Hand._] Don't say a word more about it. + +_Job._ I-- + +_Bur._ Pray, now, master, don't say any more!--Come, be a man! get +on your things; and face the bailiffs that are rummaging the goods. + +_Job._ I can't, John; I can't. My heart's heavier than all the iron +and brass in my shop. + +_Bur._ Nay, consider what confusion!--pluck up a courage; do, now! + +_Job._ Well, I'll try. + +_Bur._ Aye, that's right: here's your clothes. [_Taking them from +the Back of a Chair._] They'll play the devil with all the pots and +pans, if you aren't by.--Why, I warrant you'll do! Bless you, what +should ail you? + +_Job._ Ail me? do you go and get a daughter, John Bur; then let her +run away from you, and you'll know what ails me. + +_Bur._ Come, here's your coat and waistcoat. [_Going to help him on +with his Clothes_] This is the waistcoat young mistress work'd with +her own hands, for your birth-day, five years ago. Come, get into +it, as quick as you can. + +_Job._ [_Throwing it on the Floor violently._] I'd as lieve get into +my coffin. She'll have me there soon. Psha! rot it! I'm going to +snivel. Bur, go, and get me another. + +_Bur._ Are you sure you won't put it on? + +_Job._ No, I won't. [_BUR pauses._] No, I tell you.-- [_Exit BUR._ + +How proud I was of that waistcoat five years ago!--I little thought +what would happen now, when I sat in it, at the top of my table, +with all my neighbours to celebrate the day;--there was Collop on +one side of me, and his wife on the other; and my daughter Mary sat +at the farther end;--smiling so sweetly;--like an artful, good for +nothing----I shou'dn't like to throw away a waistcoat neither.--I +may as well put it on.--Yes--it would be poor spite not to put it +on. [_Putting his Arms into it._]--She's breaking my heart; but, +I'll wear it, I'll wear it. [_Buttoning it as he speaks, and crying +involuntarily._] It's my child's--She's undutiful,--ungrateful, +--barbarous,--but she's my child,--and she'll never work me another. + + _Enter BUR._ + +_Bur._ Here's another waistcoat, but it has laid by so long, I think +it's damp. + +_Job._ I was thinking so myself, Bur; and so---- + +_Bur._ Eh--what, you've got on the old one? Well, now, I declare, +I'm glad of that. Here's your coat. [_Putting it on him._]--'Sbobs! +this waistcoat feels a little damp, about the top of the bosom. + +_Job._ [_Confused._] Never mind, Bur, never mind.--A little water +has dropt on it; but it won't give me cold, I believe. + [_A noise without._ + +_Bur._ Heigh! they are playing up old Harry below! I'll run, and see +what's the matter. Make haste after me, do, now! [_Exit BUR._ + +_Job._ I don't care for the bankruptcy now. I can face my creditors, +like an honest man; and I can crawl to my grave, afterwards, as poor +as a church-mouse. What does it signify? Job Thornberry has no +reason now to wish himself worth a groat:--the old ironmonger and +brazier has nobody to board his money for now! I was only saving for +my daughter; and she has run away from her doating, foolish +father,--and struck down my heart--flat--flat.-- + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +Well, who are you? + +_Pereg._ A friend. + +_Job._ Then, I'm sorry to see you. I have just been ruin'd by a +friend; and never wish to have another friend again, as long as I +live.--No, nor any ungrateful, undutiful--Poh!--I don't recollect +your face. + +_Pereg._ Climate, and years, have been at work on it. While +Europeans are scorching under an Indian sun, Time is doubly busy in +fanning their features with his wings. But, do you remember no trace +of me? + +_Job._ No, I tell you. If you have any thing to say, say it. I have +something to settle below with my daughter--I mean, with the people +in the shop;--they are impatient; and the morning has half run away, +before she knew I should be up--I mean, before I have had time to +get on my coat and waistcoat, she gave me--I mean--I mean, if you +have any business, tell it, at once. + +_Pereg._ I _will_ tell it at once. You seem agitated. The harpies, +whom I pass'd in your shop, inform'd me of your sudden misfortune, +but do not despair yet. + +_Job._ Aye, I'm going to be a bankrupt--but that don't signify. Go +on: it isn't that;--they'll find all fair;--but, go on. + +_Pereg._ I will. 'Tis just thirty years ago, since I left England. + +_Job._ That's a little after the time I set up in the hardware +business. + +_Pereg._ About that time, a lad of fifteen years entered your shop: +he had the appearance of a gentleman's son; and told you he had +heard, by accident, as he was wandering through the streets of +Penzance, some of your neighbours speak of Job Thornberry's goodness +to persons in distress. + +_Job._ I believe he told a lie there. + +_Pereg._ Not in that instance, though he did in another. + +_Job._ I remember him. He was a fine, bluff, boy! + +_Pereg._ He had lost his parents, he said; and, destitute of +friends, money, and food, was making his way to the next port, to +offer himself to any vessel that would take him on board, that he +might work his way abroad, and seek a livelihood. + +_Job._ Yes, yes; he did. I remember it. + +_Pereg._ You may remember, too, when the boy had finished his tale +of distress, you put ten guineas in his hand. They were the first +earnings of your trade, you told him, and could not be laid out to +better advantage than in relieving a helpless orphan;--and, giving +him a letter of recommendation to a sea captain at Falmouth, you +wished him good spirits, and prosperity. He left you with a promise, +that, if fortune ever smil'd upon him, you should, one day, hear +news of Peregrine. + +_Job._ Ah, poor fellow! poor Peregrine! he was a pretty boy. I +should like to hear news of him, I own. + +_Pereg._ I am that Peregrine. + +_Job._ Eh? what--you are--? No: let me look at you again. Are you +the pretty boy, that------bless us, how you are alter'd! + +_Pereg._ I have endur'd many hardships since I saw you; many turns +of fortune;--but I deceived you (it was the cunning of a truant lad) +when I told you I had lost my parents. From a romantic folly, the +growth of boyish brains, I had fix'd my fancy on being a sailor, and +had run away from my father. + +_Job._ [_With great Emotion._] Run away from your father! If I had +known that, I'd have horse-whipp'd you, within an inch of your life! + +_Pereg._ Had you known it, you had done right, perhaps. + +_Job._ Right? Ah! you don't know what it is for a child to run away +from a father! Rot me, if I wou'dn't have sent you back to him, +tied, neck and heels, in the basket of the stage coach. + +_Pereg._ I have had my compunctions;--have express'd them by letter +to my father: but I fear my penitence had no effect. + +_Job._ Served you right. + +_Pereg._ Having no answers from him, he died, I fear, without +forgiving me. [_Sighing._ + +_Job._ [_Starting._] What! died! without forgiving his child!--Come, +that's too much. I cou'dn't have done that, neither.--But, go on: I +hope you've been prosperous. But you shou'dn't--you shou'dn't have +quitted your father. + +_Pereg._ I acknowledge it;--yet, I have seen prosperity; though I +traversed many countries, on my outset, in pain and poverty. Chance, +at length, raised me a friend in India; by whose interest, and my +own industry, I amass'd considerable wealth, in the Factory at +Calcutta. + +_Job._ And have just landed it, I suppose, in England. + +_Pereg._ I landed one hundred pounds, last night, in my purse, as I +swam from the Indiaman, which was splitting on a rock, half a league +from the neighbouring shore. As for the rest of my property--bills, +bonds, cash, jewels--the whole amount of my toil and application, +are, by this time, I doubt not, gone to the bottom; and Peregrine is +returned, after thirty years, to pay his debt to you, almost as poor +as he left you. + +_Job._ I won't touch a penny of your hundred pounds--not a penny. + +_Pereg._ I do not desire you: I only desire you to take your own. + +_Job._ My own? + +_Pereg._ Yes; I plunged with this box, last night, into the waves. +You see, it has your name on it. + +_Job._ "Job Thornberry," sure enough. And what's in it? + +_Pereg._ The harvest of a kind man's charity!--the produce of your +bounty to one, whom you thought an orphan. I have traded, these +twenty years, on ten guineas (which, from the first, I had set apart +as yours), till they have become ten thousand: take it; it could +not, I find, come more opportunely. Your honest heart gratified +itself in administering to my need; and I experience that burst of +pleasure, a grateful man enjoys, in relieving my reliever. + [_Giving him the Box._ + +_Job._ [_Squeezes PEREGRINE'S Hand, returns the Box, and seems +almost unable to utter._] Take it again. + +_Pereg._ Why do you reject it? + +_Job._ I'll tell you, as soon as I'm able. T'other day, I lent a +friend----Pshaw, rot it! I'm an old fool! [_Wiping his Eyes._]--I +lent a friend, t'other day, the whole profits of my trade, to save +him from sinking. He walk'd off with them, and made me a bankrupt. +Don't you think he is a rascal? + +_Pereg._ Decidedly so. + +_Job._ And what should I be, if I took all you have saved in the +world, and left you to shift for yourself? + +_Pereg._ But the case is different. This money is, in fact, your +own. I am inur'd to hardships; better able to bear them, and am +younger than you. Perhaps, too, I still have prospects of---- + +_Job._ I won't take it. I'm as thankful to you, as if I left you to +starve: but I won't take it. + +_Pereg._ Remember, too, you have claims upon you, which I have not. +My guide, as I came hither, said, you had married in my absence: +'tis true, he told me you were now a widower; but, it seems, you +have a daughter to provide for. + +_Job._ I have no daughter to provide for now! + +_Pereg._ Then he misinform'd me. + +_Job._ No, he didn't. I had one last night; but she's gone. + +_Pereg._ Gone! + +_Job._ Yes; gone to sea, for what I know, as you did. Run away from +a good father, as you did.--This is a morning to remember;--my +daughter has run out, and the bailiffs have run in;--I shan't soon +forget the day of the month. + +_Pereg._ This morning, did you say? + +_Job._ Aye, before day-break;--a hard-hearted, base---- + +_Pereg._ And could she leave you, during the derangement of your +affairs? + +_Job._ She did'nt know what was going to happen, poor soul! I wish +she had now. I don't think my Mary would have left her old father in +the midst of his misfortunes. + +_Pereg._ [_Aside._] Mary! it must be she! What is the amount of the +demands upon you? + +_Job._ Six thousand. But I don't mind that: the goods can nearly +cover it--let 'em take 'em--damn the gridirons and warming-pans!--I +could begin again--but, now, my Mary's gone, I hav'n't the heart; +but I shall hit upon something. + +_Pereg._ Let me make a proposal to you, my old friend. Permit me to +settle with the officers, and to clear all demands upon you. Make it +a debt, if you please. I will have a hold, if it must be so, on your +future profits in trade; but do this, and I promise to restore your +daughter to you. + +_Job._ What? bring back my child! Do you know where she is? Is she +safe? Is she far off? Is---- + +_Pereg._ Will you receive the money? + +_Job._ Yes, yes; on those terms--on those conditions. But where is +Mary? + +_Pereg._ Patience. I must not tell you yet; but, in four-and-twenty +hours, I pledge myself to bring her back to you. + +_Job._ What, here? to her father's house? and safe? Oh, 'sbud! when +I see her safe, what a thundering passion I'll be in with her! But +you are not deceiving me? You know, the first time you came into my +shop, what a bouncer you told me, when you were a boy. + +_Pereg._ Believe me, I would not trifle with you now. Come, come +down to your shop, that we may rid it of its present visitants. + +_Job._ I believe you dropt from the clouds, all on a sudden, to +comfort an old, broken-hearted brazier. + +_Pereg._ I rejoice, my honest friend, that I arrived at so critical +a juncture; and, if the hand of Providence be in it, 'tis because +Heaven ordains, that benevolent actions, like yours, sooner or +later, must ever meet their recompense. [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE THIRD. + +SCENE I. + + + _SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S Library._ + + _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and the EARL OF FITZ BALAAM._ + +_Sir Simon._ Believe me, my lord, the man I wish'd most to meet in +my library this morning, was the Earl of Fitz Balaam. + +_Lord Fitz._ Thank you, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Your arrival, a day before your promise, gives us such +convenient leisure to talk over the arrangements, relative to the +marriage of Lady Caroline Braymore, your lordship's daughter, with +my son. + +_Lord Fitz._ True, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Then, while Lady Caroline is at her toilet, we'll dash +into business at once; for I know your lordship is a man of few +words. They tell me, my lord, you have sat in the Upper House, and +said nothing but aye and no, there, for these thirty years. + +_Lord Fitz._ I spoke, for more than a minute, in the year of the +influenza. + +_Sir Simon._ Bless me! the epidemic, perhaps, raging among the +members, at the moment. + +_Lord Fitz._ Yes;--they cough'd so loud, I left off in the middle. + +_Sir Simon._ And you never attempted again. + +_Lord Fitz._ I hate to talk much, Sir Simon;--'tis my way; though +several don't like it. + +_Sir Simon._ I do. I consider it as a mark of your lordship's +discretion. The less you say, my lord, in my mind, the wiser you +are; and I have often thought it a pity, that some noble orators +hav'n't follow'd your lordship's example.--But, here are the +writings. [_Sitting down with LORD FITZ BALAAM, and taking them +from the Table._] We must wave ceremony now, my lord; for all this +pile of parchment is built on the independent four thousand a year +of your daughter, Lady Caroline, on one hand, and your lordship's +incumbrances, on the other. + +_Lord Fitz._ I have saddles on my property, Sir Simon. + +_Sir. Simon._ Which saddles, your lordship's property being +uncommonly small, look something like sixteen stone upon a poney. +The Fitz Balaam estate, for an earl, is deplorably narrow. + +_Lord Fitz._ Yet, it has given security for a large debt. + +_Sir Simon._ Large, indeed! I can't think how you have contriv'd it. +'Tis the Archbishop of Brobdignag, squeez'd into Tom Thumb's +pantaloons. + +_Lord Fitz._ Mine is the oldest estate in England, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ If we may judge of age by decay, my lord, it must be +very ancient, indeed!--But this goes to something in the shape of +supplies. [_Untying the Papers._] "Covenant between Augustus Julius +Braymore, Earl of Fitz Balaam, of Cullender Castle, in the county of +Cumberland, and Simon Rochdale, Baronet, of Hollyhock House, in the +county of Cornwall."----By the by, my lord, considering what an +expense attends that castle, which is at your own disposal, and +that, if the auctioneer don't soon knock it down, the weather will, +I wonder what has prevented your lordship's bringing it to the +hammer. + +_Lord Fitz._ The dignity of my ancestors. I have blood in my family, +Sir Simon---- [_Proudly._ + +_Sir Simon._ A deal of excellent blood, my lord; but from the butler +down to the house-dog, curse me if ever I saw so little flesh in a +family before--But by this covenant---- + +_Lord Fitz._ You clear off the largest mortgage. + +_Sir Simon._ Right;--for which purpose, on the day of the young +folks' marriage---- + +_Lord Fitz._ You must pay me forty thousand pounds. + +_Sir Simon._ Right, again. Your lordship says little; but 'tis +terribly plump to the point, indeed, my lord. Here is the +covenant;--and, now, will your lordship look over the marriage +articles? + +_Lord Fitz._ My attorney will be here to-morrow, Sir Simon. I prefer +reading by deputy. [_Both rise._ + +_Sir Simon._ Many people of rank read in the same way, my lord. And +your lordship will receive the forty thousand pounds, I am to pay +you, by deputy also, I suppose. + +_Lord Fitz._ I seldom swear, Sir Simon; but, damn me if I will. + +_Sir Simon._ I believe you are right. Yet there are but two reasons +for not trusting an attorney with your money:--one is, when you +don't know him very well; and the other is, when you do.--And now, +since the marriage is concluded, as I may say, in the families, may +I take the liberty to ask, my lord, what sort of a wife my son +Frank may expect in Lady Caroline? Frank is rather of a grave, +domestic turn: Lady Caroline, it seems, has passed the three last +winters in London. Did her ladyship enter into _all_ the spirit of +the first circles? + +_Lord Fitz._ She was as gay as a lark, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Was she like the lark in her hours, my lord? + +_Lord Fitz._ A great deal more like the owl, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ I thought so. Frank's mornings in London will begin +where her ladyship's nights finish. But his case won't be very +singular. Many couples make the marriage bed a kind of cold +matrimonial well; and the two family buckets dip into it +alternately. + + _Enter LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._ + +_Lady Car._ Do I interrupt business? + +_Sir Simon._ Not in the least. Pray, Lady Caroline, come in. His +lordship and I have just concluded. + +_Lord Fitz._ And I must go and walk my three miles, this morning. + +_Sir Simon._ Must you, my lord? + +_Lord Fitz._ My physician prescribed it, when I told him I was apt +to be dull, after dinner. + +_Sir Simon._ I would attend your lordship;--but since Lady Caroline +favours me with-- + +_Lady Car._ No, no--don't mind me. I assure you, I had much rather +you would go. + +_Sir Simon._ Had you?--hum!--but the petticoats have their new +school of good breeding, too, they tell me. [_Aside._] Well, we are +gone--we have been glancing over the writings, Lady Caroline, that +form the basis of my son's happiness:--though his lordship isn't +much inclined to read. + +_Lady Car._ But I am.--I came here to study very deeply, before +dinner. + +_Sir Simon._ What, would your ladyship, then, wish to-- + [_Showing the Writings._ + +_Lady Car._ To read that? My dear Sir Simon! all that Hebrew, upon +parchment as thick as a board!--I came to see if you had any of the +last novels in your book room. + +_Sir Simon._ The last novels!--most of the female new school are +ghost bitten, they tell me. [_Aside._] There's Fielding's Works; and +you'll find Tom Jones, you know. + +_Lady Car._ Psha! that's such a hack! + +_Sir Simon._ A hack, Lady Caroline, that the knowing ones have +warranted sound. + +_Lady Car._ But what do you think of those that have had such a run +lately? + +_Sir Simon._ Why, I think most of them have run too much, and want +firing. + [_Exeunt SIR SIMON, and LORD FITZ BALAAM._ + +_Lady Car._ I shall die of ennui, in this moping manor house!--Shall +I read to-day?--no, I'll walk.--No, I'll----Yes, I'll read first, +and walk afterwards. [_Rings the Bell, and takes a +Book._]--Pope.--Come, as there are no novels, this may be tolerable. +This is the most triste house I ever saw! [_Sits down and reads._ + + "In these deep solitudes, and awful cells, + Where heavenly-pensive--" + + _Enter ROBERT._ + + +_Rob._ Did you ring, my lady? + +_Lady Car._ ----"Contemplation dwells--" Sir? Oh, yes;--I should +like to walk. Is it damp under foot, sir?--"And ever musing--" + +_Rob._ There has been a good deal of rain to-day my lady. + +_Lady Car._ "Melancholy reigns--" + +_Rob._ My lady-- + +_Lady Car._ Pray, sir, look out, and bring me word if it is clean +or dirty. + +_Rob._ Yes, my lady. [_Exit._ + +_Lady Car._ This settling a marriage is a strange business!--"What +means this tumult in a vestal's veins?--" + +_Shuff._ [_Without._] Bid the groom lead the horse into the avenue, +and I'll come to him. + +_Lady Car._ Company in the house?--some Cornish squire, I suppose. + [_Resumes her reading._ + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON, speaking while entering, JOHN + following._ + +_Lady Car._ [_Still reading, and seated with her Back to +SHUFFLETON._]----"Soon as thy letters, trembling, I unclose----" + +_John._ What horse will you have saddled, sir? + +_Shuff._ Slyboots. [_Exit JOHN._ + +_Lady Car._ ----"That well known name awakens all my woes--" + +_Shuff._ Lady Caroline Braymore! + +_Lady Car._ Mr. Shuffleton! Lard! what can bring you into Cornwall? + +_Shuff._ Sympathy:--which has generally brought me near your +ladyship, in London at least, for these three winters. + +_Lady Car._ Psha! but seriously? + +_Shuff._ I was summoned by friendship. I am consulted on all +essential points, in this family;--and Frank Rochdale is going to be +married. + +_Lady Car._ Then, you know to whom? + +_Shuff._ No;--not thinking that an essential point, I forgot to ask. +He kneels at the pedestal of a rich shrine, and I didn't inquire +about the statue. But, dear Lady Caroline, what has brought you into +Cornwall? + +_Lady Car._ Me? I'm the statue. + +_Shuff._ You! + +_Lady Car._ Yes; I've walk'd off my pedestal, to be worshipp'd at +the Land's End. + +_Shuff._ You to be married to Frank Rochdale! O, Lady Caroline! what +then is to become of _me_? + +_Lady Car._ Oh, Mr. Shuffleton! not thinking that an essential +point, I forgot to ask. + +_Shuff._ Psha! now you're laughing at me! but upon my soul, I shall +turn traitor; take advantage of the confidence reposed in me, by my +friend, and endeavour to supplant him. + +_Lady Car._ What do you think the world would call such duplicity of +conduct? + + _Enter ROBERT._ + +_Rob._ Very dirty, indeed, my lady. [_Exit._ + +_Shuff._ That infernal footman has been listening!--I'll kick him +round his master's park. + +_Lady Car._ 'Tis lucky, then, you are booted; for, you hear, he says +it is very dirty there. + +_Shuff._ Was that the meaning of----Pooh!--but, you see, the--the +surprise--the--the agitation has made me ridiculous. + +_Lady Car._ I see something has made you ridiculous; but you never +told me what it was before. + +_Shuff._ Lady Caroline; this is a crisis, that--my attentions,--that +is, the----In short, the world, you know, my dear Lady Caroline, has +given me to you. + +_Lady Car._ Why, what a shabby world it is! + +_Shuff._ How so? + +_Lady Car._ To make me a present of something, it sets no value on +itself. + +_Shuff._ I flattered myself I might not be altogether invaluable to +your ladyship. + +_Lady Car._ To me! Now, I can't conceive any use I could make of +you. No, positively, you are neither useful nor ornamental. + +_Shuff._ Yet, you were never at an opera, without me at your +elbow;--never in Kensington Gardens, that my horse--the crop, by +the bye, given me by Lord Collarbone,--wasn't constantly in leading +at the gate:--hav'n't you danc'd with me at every ball?--And hav'nt +I, unkind, forgetful, Lady Caroline, even cut the Newmarket +meetings, when you were in London? + +_Lady Car._ Bless me!--these charges are brought in like a bill. "To +attending your ladyship at such a time; to dancing down twenty +couple with your ladyship, at another,"--and, pray, to what do they +all amount? + +_Shuff._ The fullest declaration. + +_Lady Car._ Lard, Mr. Shuffleton! why, it has, to be sure, looked +a--a--a little foolish--but you--you never spoke any thing +to----that is--to justify such a---- + +_Shuff._ That's as much as to say, speak now. [_Aside._]--To be +plain, Lady Caroline, my friend does not know your value. He has an +excellent heart--but that heart is--[_Coughs._] damn the word, it's +so out of fashion, it chokes me! [_Aside._] is irrevocably given to +another.--But mine--by this sweet hand, I swear---- + [_Kneeling and kissing her Hand._ + + _Enter JOHN._ + +Well, sir?-- [_Rising hastily._ + +_John._ Slyboots, sir, has been down on his knees;--and the groom +says he can't go out. + +_Shuff._ Let him saddle another. + +_John._ What horse, sir, will you---- + +_Shuff._ Psha!--any.--What do you call Mr. Rochdale's favourite, +now. + +_John._ Traitor, sir. + +_Shuff._ When Traitor's in the avenue, I shall be there. + [_Exit JOHN._ + +_Lady Car._ Answer me one question, candidly, and, perhaps, I may +entrust you with a secret.--Is Mr. Rochdale seriously attached? + +_Shuff._ Very seriously. + +_Lady Car._ Then I won't marry him. + +_Shuff._ That's spirited.--Now, your secret. + +_Lady Car._ Why--perhaps you may have heard, that my father, Lord +Fitz Balaam, is, somehow, so--so much in debt, that--but, no matter. + +_Shuff._ Oh, not at all;--the case is fashionable, with both lords +and commoners. + +_Lady Car._ But an old maiden aunt, whom, rest her soul! I never +saw, for family pride's sake, bequeathed me an independence. To +obviate his lordship's difficulties, I mean to--to marry into this +humdrum Cornish family. + +_Shuff._ I see--a sacrifice!--filial piety, and all that--to +disembarrass his lordship. But hadn't your ladyship better-- + +_Lady Car._ Marry to disembarrass you? + +_Shuff._ By my honour, I'm disinterested. + +_Lady Car._ By my honour, I'm monstrously piqued--and so vex'd, that +I can't read this morning,--nor talk,--nor----I'll walk. + +_Shuff._ Shall I attend you? + +_Lady Car._ No;--don't fidget at my elbow, as you do at the opera. +But you shall tell me more of this by and by. + +_Shuff._ When?--Where? [_Taking her Hand._ + +_Lady Car._ Don't torment me.--This evening, or--to-morrow, +perhaps;--in the park,--or----psha! we shall meet at dinner.--Do, +let me go now, for I shall be very bad company. + +_Shuff._ [_Kissing her Hand._] Adieu, Lady Caroline!-- + +_Lady Car._ Adieu! [_Exit._ + +_Shuff._ My friend Frank, here, I think, is very much obliged to +me!--I am putting matters pretty well _en train_ to disencumber him +of a wife;--and now I'll canter over the heath, and see what I can +do for him with the brazier's daughter. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _A mean Parlour at the Red Cow._ + + _A Table--Pen, Ink, and Paper on it.--Chairs._ + + _MARY and MRS. BRULGRUDDERY discovered._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ Aye, he might have been there, and back, over and over +again;--but my husband's slow enough in his motions, as I tell him, +till I'm tir'd on't. + +_Mary._ I hope he'll be here soon. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Ods, my little heart! Miss, why so impatient? Hav'n't +you as genteel a parlour as any lady in the land could wish to sit +down in?--The bed's turn'd up in a chest of drawers that's stain'd +to look like mahogany:--there's two poets, and a poll parrot, the +best images the jew had on his head, over the mantlepiece; and was I +to leave you all alone by yourself, isn't there an eight day clock +in the corner, that when one's waiting, lonesome like, for any body, +keeps going tick-tack, and is quite company? + +_Mary._ Indeed, I did not mean to complain. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Complain?--No, I think not, indeed!--When, besides +having a handsome house over your head, the strange gentleman has +left two guineas--though one seems light, and t'other looks a little +brummish--to be laid out for you, as I see occasion. I don't say it +for the lucre of any thing I'm to make out of the money, but, I'm +sure you can't want to eat yet. + +_Mary._ Not if it gives any trouble;--but I was up before sunrise, +and have tasted nothing to-day. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Eh! why, bless me, young woman! ar'n't you well? + +_Mary._ I feel very faint. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Aye, this is a faintish time o'year; but I must give +you a little something, I suppose:--I'll open the window, and give +you a little air. [_DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY, singing, without._ + + _They handed the whiskey about,_ + _'Till it smoked thro' the jaws of the piper;_ + _The bride got a fine copper snout,_ + _And the clergyman's pimples grew riper._ + _Whack doodlety bob,_ + _Sing pip._ + +_Mary._ There's your husband! + +_Mrs. Brul._ There's a hog;--for he's as drunk as one, I know, by +his beastly bawling. + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY, singing._ + + _Whack doodlety bob,_ + _Sing pip._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ "Sing pip," indeed! sing sot! and that's to your old +tune. + +_Mary._ Hav'n't you got an answer? + +_Mrs. Brul._ Hav'n't you got drunk? + +_Dennis._ Be aisy, and you'll see what I've got in a minute. + [_Pulls a Bottle from his Pocket._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ What's that? + +_Dennis._ Good Madeira, it was, when the butler at the big house +gave it me. It jolts so over the heath, if I hadn't held it to my +mouth, I'd have wasted half. [_Puts it on the Table._]--There, Miss, +I brought it for you; and I'll get a glass from the cupboard, and a +plate for this paper of sweet cakes, that the gentlefolks eat, after +dinner in the desert. + +_Mary._ But, tell me if-- + +_Dennis._ [_Running to the Cupboard._] Eat and drink, my jewel; and +my discourse shall serve for the seasoning. Drink now, my pretty +one! [_Fills a Glass._] for you have had nothing, I'll be +bound.--Och, by the powers! I know the ways of ould mother +Brulgruddery. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Old mother Brulgruddery! + +_Dennis._ Don't mind her;--take your prog;--she'd starve a saint. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I starve a saint! + +_Dennis._ Let him stop at the Red Cow, as plump as a porker, and +you'd send him away, in a week, like a weasel.--Bite maccaroony, my +darling! [_Offering the Plate to MARY._ + +_Mary._ I thank you. + +_Dennis._ 'Faith, no merit of mine; 'twas the butler that stole +it:--take some. [_Lets the Plate fall._] Slips by St. Patrick! + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Screaming._] Our best china plate broke all to +shivers! + +_Dennis._ Delf, you deceiver; delf. The cat's dining dish, rivetted. + +_Mary._ Pray now, let me hear your news. + +_Dennis._ That I will.--Mrs. Brulgruddery, I take the small liberty +of begging you to get out, my lambkin. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I shan't budge an inch. She needn't be asham'd of any +thing that's to be told, if she's what she should be. + +_Mary._ I know what I should be, if I were in your place. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Marry come up! And what should you be then? + +_Mary._ More compassionate to one of my own sex, or to any one in +misfortune. Had you come to me, almost broken hearted, and not +looking like one quite abandoned to wickedness, I should have +thought on your misery, and forgot that it might have been brought +on by your faults. + +_Dennis._ At her, my little crature! By my soul, she'll bother the +ould one!--'Faith, the Madeira has done her a deal of service! + +_Mrs. Brul._ What's to be said, is said before _me_; and that's +flat. + +_Mary._ Do tell it, then, [_To DENNIS._] but, for others' sakes, +don't mention names. I wish to hide nothing now, on my own account; +though the money that was put down for me, before you would afford +me shelter, I thought might have given me a little more title to +hear a private message. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I've a character, for virtue, to lose, young woman. + +_Dennis._ When that's gone, you'll get another--that's of a damn'd +impertinent landlady. Sure, she has a right to her parlour; and +hav'n't I brought her cash enough to swallow up the Red Cow's rent +for these two years? + +_Mrs. Brul._ Have you!--Well, though the young lady misunderstands +me, it's always my endeavour to be respectful to gentlefolks. + +_Dennis._ Och, botheration to the respect that's bought, by knocking +one shilling against another, at an inn! Let the heart keep open +house, I say; and if charity is not seated inside of it, like a +beautiful barmaid, it's all a humbug to stick up the sign of the +christian. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I'm sure Miss shall have any thing she likes, poor dear +thing! There's one chicken-- + +_Dennis._ A chicken!--Fie on your double barbarity! Would you murder +the tough dunghill cock, to choke a customer?--A certain person, +that shall be nameless, will come to you in the course of this day, +either by himself, or by friend, or by handwriting. + +_Mary._ And not one word--not one, by letter, now? + +_Dennis._ Be asey--won't he be here soon? In the mean time, here's +nineteen guineas, and a seven shilling piece, as a bit of a +postscript. + +_Mrs. Brul._ Nineteen guineas and---- + +_Dennis._ Hold your gab, woman.--Count them, darling!-- + [_Putting them on the Table--MARY counts the Money._ + +_Mrs. Brul._ [_Drawing DENNIS aside._] What have you done with the +rest? + +_Dennis._ The rest! + +_Mrs. Brul._ Why, have you given her all? + +_Dennis._ I'll tell you what, Mrs. Brulgruddery; it's my notion, in +summing up your last accounts, that, when you begin to dot, ould +Nick will carry one; and that's yourself, my lambkin. + +_Shuff._ [_Without._] Holo? Red Cow! + +_Dennis._ You are call'd, Mrs. Brulgruddery. + +_Mrs. Brul._ I, you Irish bear!--Go, and [_Looking towards the +window._]--Jimminy! a traveller on horseback! and the handsomest +gentleman I ever saw in my life. [_Runs out._ + +_Mary._ Oh, then it must be he! + +_Dennis._ No, 'faith, it isn't the young squire. + +_Mary._ [_Mournfully._] No! + +_Dennis._ There--he's got off the outside of his horse: it's that +flashy spark I saw crossing the court yard, at the big house.--Here +he is. + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._ + +_Shuff._ [_Looking at MARY._] Devilish good-looking girl, upon my +soul! [_Sees DENNIS._] Who's that fellow? + +_Dennis._ Welcome to Muckslush Heath, sir. + +_Shuff._ Pray, sir, have you any business, here? + +_Dennis._ Very little this last week, your honour. + +_Shuff._ O, the landlord. Leave the room. + +_Dennis._ [_Aside._] Manners! but he's my customer. If he don't +behave himself to the young cratur, I'll bounce in, and thump him +blue. [_Exit._ + +_Shuff._ [_Looking at MARY._] Shy, but stylish--much elegance, and +no brass: the most extraordinary article that ever belonged to a +brazier.--[_Addressing her._] Don't be alarmed, my dear. Perhaps you +didn't expect a stranger? + +_Mary._ No, sir. + +_Shuff._ But you expected somebody, I believe, didn't you? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir. + +_Shuff._ I come from him: here are my credentials. Read that, my +dear little girl, and you'll see how far I am authorized. + [_Gives her a Letter._ + +_Mary._ 'Tis his hand. [_Kissing the Superscription._ + +_Shuff._ [_As she is opening the Letter._] Fine blue eyes, faith, +and very like my Fanny's. Yes, I see how it will end;--she'll be the +fifteenth Mrs. Shuffleton. + +_Mary._ [Reading.] _When the conflicts of my mind have subsided, and +opportunity will permit, I will write to you fully. My friend is +instructed from me to make every arrangement for your welfare. With +heartfelt grief I add, family circumstances have torn me from you +for ever!----_ + [_Drops the Letter, and is falling, SHUFFLETON + supports her._ + +_Shuff._ Ha! damn it, this looks like earnest! They do it very +differently in London. + +_Mary._ [_Recovering._] I beg pardon, sir--I expected this; but +I----I---- [_Bursts into Tears._ + +_Shuff._ [_Aside._] O, come, we are getting into the old train; +after the shower, it will clear.--My dear girl, don't flurry +yourself;--these are things of course, you know. To be sure, you +must feel a little resentment at first, but---- + +_Mary._ Resentment! When I am never, never to see him again! +Morning and night, my voice will be raised to Heaven, in anguish, +for his prosperity!--And tell him,--pray, sir, tell him, I think the +many, many bitter tears I shall shed, will atone for my faults; then +you know, as it isn't himself, but his station, that sunders us, if +news should reach him that I have died, it can't bring any trouble +to his conscience. + +_Shuff._ Mr. Rochdale, my love, you'll find will be very handsome. + +_Mary._ I always found him so, sir. + +_Shuff._ He has sent you a hundred pound bank note [_Giving it to +her._] till matters can be arranged, just to set you a-going. + +_Mary._ I was going, sir, out of this country, for ever. Sure he +couldn't think it necessary to send me this, for fear I should +trouble him! + +_Shuff._ Pshaw! my love, you mistake: the intention is to give you a +settlement. + +_Mary._ I intended to get one for myself, sir. + +_Shuff._ Did you? + +_Mary._ Yes, sir, in London. I shall take a place in the coach +to-morrow morning; and I hope the people of the inn where it puts +up, at the end of the journey, will have the charity to recommend me +to an honest service. + +_Shuff._ Service? Nonsense! You----you must think differently. I'll +put you into a situation in town. + +_Mary._ Will you be so humane, sir? + +_Shuff._ Should you like Marybone parish, my love? + +_Mary._ All parishes are the same to me, now I must quit my own, +sir. + +_Shuff._ I'll write a line for you, to a lady in that quarter, +and--Oh, here's pen and ink. [_Writes, and talks as he is writing._] +I shall be in London myself, in about ten days, and then I'll visit +you, to see how you go on. + +_Mary._ O sir! you are, indeed a friend! + +_Shuff._ I mean to be your friend, my love. There, [_Giving her the +Letter._] Mrs. Brown, Howland-Street; an old acquaintance of mine; a +very goodnatured, discreet, elderly lady, I assure you. + +_Mary._ You are very good, sir, but I shall be ashamed to look such +a discreet person in the face, if she hears my story. + +_Shuff._ No, you needn't;--she has a large stock of charity for the +indiscretions of others, believe me. + +_Mary._ I don't know how to thank you, sir. The unfortunate must +look up to such a lady, sure, as a mother. + +_Shuff._ She has acquired that appellation.----You'll be very +comfortable;--and, when I arrive in town, I'll-- + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +Who have we here?--Oh!--ha!--ha!--This must be the gentleman she +mentioned to Frank in her letter.--rather an ancient ami. [_Aside._ + +_Pereg._ So! I suspected this might be the case. [_Aside._] You are +Mr. Rochdale, I presume sir? + +_Shuff._ Yes, sir, you do presume;--but I am not Mr. Rochdale. + +_Pereg._ I beg your pardon, sir, for mistaking you for so bad a +person. + +_Shuff._ Mr. Rochdale, sir, is my intimate friend. If you mean to +recommend yourself in this quarter, [_Pointing to Mary._] good +breeding will suggest to you, that it mustn't be done by abusing +him, before me. + +_Pereg._ I have not acquired that sort of good breeding, sir, which +isn't founded on good sense;--and when I call the betrayer of female +innocence a bad character, the term, I think, is too true to be +abusive. + +_Shuff._ 'Tis a pity, then, you hav'n't been taught a little better, +what is due to polished society. + +_Pereg._ I am always willing to improve. + +_Shuff._ I hope, sir, you won't urge me to become your instructor. + +_Pereg._ You are unequal to the task: if you quarrel with me in the +cause of a seducer, you are unfit to teach me the duties of a +citizen. + +_Shuff._ You may make, sir, a very good citizen; but, curse me, if +you'll do for the west end of the town. + +_Pereg._ I make no distinctions in the ends of towns, sir:--the ends +of integrity are always uniform: and 'tis only where those ends are +most promoted, that the inhabitants of a town, let them live east or +west, most preponderate in rational estimation. + +_Shuff._ Pray, sir, are you a methodist preacher, in want of a +congregation? + +_Pereg._ Perhaps I'm a quack doctor, in want of a Jack +Pudding.--Will you engage with me? + +_Shuff._ Damn me if this is to be borne.--Sir, the correction I must +give you, will-- + +_Pereg._ [_With Coolness._] Desist, young man, in time, or you may +repent your petulance. + +_Mary._ [_Coming between them._] Oh, gentlemen! pray, pray don't--I +am so frightened! Indeed, sir, you mistake. [_To PEREGRINE._] This +gentleman has been so good to me! [_Pointing to SHUFFLETON._ + +_Pereg._ Prove it, child, and I shall honour him. + +_Mary._ Indeed, indeed he has.--Pray, pray don't quarrel! when two +such generous people meet, it would be a sad pity. See, sir, [_To +PEREGRINE._] he has recommended me to a place in London;--here's the +letter to the good lady, an elderly lady, in Marybone parish! and so +kind, sir, every body, that knows her, calls her mother. + +_Pereg._ [_Looking at the superscription._] Infamous! sit down, and +compose yourself, my love;--the gentleman and I shall soon come to +an understanding. One word, sir: [_Mary sits at the back of the +Scene, the Men advance._] I have lived long in India;--but the +flies, who gad thither, buzz in our ears, till we learn what they +have blown upon in England. I have heard of the wretch, in whose +house you meant to place that unfortunate. + +_Shuff._ Well! and you meant to place her in snugger lodgings, I +suppose? + +_Pereg._ I mean to place her where---- + +_Shuff._ No, my dear fellow, you don't;----unless you answer it to +me. + +_Pereg._ I understand you.--In an hour, then, I shall be at the +Manor-house, whence I suppose, you come. Here we are both unarmed; +and there is one waiting at the door, who, perhaps, might interrupt +us. + +_Shuff._ Who is he? + +_Pereg._ Her father;--her agonized father;----to whose entreaties I +have yielded; and brought him here, prematurely.--He is a +tradesman;--beneath your notice:--a vulgar brazier;--but he has some +sort of feeling for his child! whom, now your friend has lured her +to the precipice of despair, you would hurry down the gulf of +infamy.--For your own convenience, sir, I would advise you to avoid +him. + +_Shuff._ Your advice, now, begins to be a little sensible; and if +you turn out a gentleman, though I suspect you to be one of the +brazier's company, I shall talk to you at Sir Simon's. [_Exit._ + +_Mary._ Is the gentleman gone, sir? + +_Pereg._ Let him go, child; and be thankful that you have escaped +from a villain. + +_Mary._ A villain, sir! + +_Pereg._ The basest; for nothing can be baser than manly strength, +in the specious form of protection, injuring an unhappy woman. When +we should be props to the lily in the storm, 'tis damnable to spring +up like vigorous weeds, and twine about the drooping flower, till +we destroy it. + +_Mary._ Then, where are friends to be found, sir? He seemed honest; +so do you; but, perhaps, you may be as bad. + +_Pereg._ Do not trust me. I have brought you a friend, child, in +whom, Nature tells us, we ever should confide. + +_Mary._ What, here, sir? + +_Pereg._ Yes;--when he hurts you, he must wound himself;--and so +suspicious is the human heart become, from the treachery of society, +that it wants that security. I will send him to you. [_Exit._ + +_Mary._ Who can he mean? I know nobody but Mr. Rochdale, that, I +think, would come to me. For my poor dear father, when he knows all +my crime, will abandon me, as I deserve. + + _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, at the Door PEREGRINE has gone out at._ + +_Job._ Mary! [_MARY shrieks and falls, her Father runs to her._] My +dear Mary!--Speak to me! + +_Mary._ [_Recovering._] Don't look kindly on me, my dear father! +Leave me; I left you:--but I was almost mad. + +_Job._ I'll never leave you, till I drop down dead by your side. How +could you run away from me, Mary? [_She shrieks._] Come, come, kiss +me, and we'll talk of that another time. + +_Mary._ You hav'n't heard half the story, or I'm sure you'd never +forgive me. + +_Job._ Never mind the story now, Mary;--'tis a true story that +you're my child, and that's enough for the present. I hear you have +met with a rascal. I hav'n't been told who, yet. Some folks don't +always forgive; braziers do. Kiss me again, and we'll talk on't by +and by. But, why would you run away, Mary? + +_Mary._ I could'nt stay and be deceitful; and it has often cut me +to the heart, to see you show me that affection, which I knew I +didn't deserve. + +_Job._ Ah! you jade! I ought to be angry; but I can't. Look +here--don't you remember this waistcoat? you worked it for me, you +know. + +_Mary._ I know I did. [_Kissing him._ + +_Job._ I had a hard struggle to put it on, this morning; but I +squeezed myself into it, a few hours after you ran away.--If I could +do that, you might have told me the worst, without much fear of my +anger. How have they behaved to you, Mary? + +_Mary._ The landlord is very humane, but the landlady------ + +_Job._ Cruel to you? I'll blow her up like gunpowder in a copper. We +must stay here to-night;--for there's Peregrine, that king of good +fellows, we must stay here till he comes back, from a little way +off, he says. + +_Mary._ He that brought you here? + +_Job._ Ay, he. I don't know what he intends--but I trust all to +him;--and when he returns, we'll have such a merry-making! Hollo! +house! Oh, damn it, I'll be good to the landlord; but I'll play hell +with his wife! Come with me, and let us call about us a bit. +Hollo!--house! Come, Mary! odsbobs, I'm so happy to have you again! +House!--Come, Mary, [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + + _The Outside of the Red Cow._ + + _DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY before the Door._ + +_Dennis._ I've stretched my neck half a yard longer, looking out +after that rapscallion, Dan. Och! and is it yourself I see, at last? +There he comes, in a snail's trot, with a basket behind him, like a +stage coach. + + _Enter DAN, with a Basket at his Back._ + +Dan, you devil! aren't you a beast of a waiter? + +_Dan._ What for? + +_Dennis._ To stay out so, the first day of company. + +_Dan._ Come, that be a good un! I ha' waited for the company a week, +and I defy you to say I ever left the house till they comed. + +_Dennis._ Well, and that's true. Pacify me with a good reason, and +you'll find me a dutiful master. Arrah, Dan, what's that hump grown +out at your back, on the road? + +_Dan._ Plenty o' meat and drink. I ha'n't had such a hump o' late, +at my stomach. [_Puts the Basket on the Ground._ + +_Dennis._ And who harnessed you, Dan, with all that kitchen stuff? + +_Dan._ He as ware rack'd, and took I wi' un to Penzance, for a +companion. He order'd I, as I said things were a little famish'd +like, here, to buy this for the young woman, and the old man he ha' +brought back wi' un. + +_Dennis._ Then you have been gabbling your ill looking stories +about my larder, you stone eater! + +_Dan._ Larder! I told un you had three live pigs as ware dying. + +_Dennis._ Oh fie! Think you, won't any master discharge a man +sarvant that shames him? Thank your luck, I can't blush. But is the +old fellow, our customer has brought, his intimate friend, he never +saw but once, thirty years ago? + +_Dan._ Ees; that be old Job Thornberry, the brazier; and, as sure as +you stand there, when we got to his shop, they were going to make +him a banker. + +_Dennis._ A banker! I never saw one made. How do they do it? + +_Dan._ Why, the bum baileys do come into his house, and claw away +all his goods and furniture. + +_Dennis._ By the powers, but that's one way of setting a man going +in business! + +_Dan._ When we got into the shop, there they were, as grum as +thunder.--You ha' seen a bum bailey? + +_Dennis._ I'm not curious that way. I might have seen one, once or +twice; but I was walking mighty fast, and had no time to look behind +me. + +_Dan._ My companion--our customer--he went up stairs, and I bided +below;--and then they began a knocking about the goods and +chapels.--That ware no business o' mine. + +_Dennis._ Sure it was not. + +_Dan._ Na, for sartin; so I ax'd 'em what they were a doing;--and +they told I, wi' a broad grin, taking an invention of the +misfortunate man's defects. + +_Dennis._ Choke their grinning! The law of the land's a good doctor; +but, bad luck to those that gorge upon such a fine physician's poor +patients! Sure, we know, now and then, it's mighty wholesome to +bleed; but nobody falls in love with the leech. + +_Dan._ They comed down stairs--our customer and the brazier; and +the head baily he began a bullocking at the old man, in my mind, +just as one christian shou'dn't do to another. I had nothing to do +wi' that. + +_Dennis._ Damn the bit. + +_Dan._ No, nothing at all; and so my blood began to rise. He made +the poor old man almost fit to cry. + +_Dennis._ That wasn't your concern, you know. + +_Dan._ Bless you, mun! 'twould ha' look'd busy like, in me, to say a +word; so I took up a warming pan, and I bang'd bum bailey, wi' the +broad end on't, 'till he fell o' the floor as fat as twopence. + +_Dennis._ Oh, hubaboo! lodge in my heart, and I'll never ax you for +rent--you're a friend in need. Remember, I've a warmingpan--you know +where it hangs, and that's enough. + +_Dan._ They had like to ha' warm'd I, finely, I do know. I ware nigh +being haul'd to prison; 'cause, as well as I could make out their +cant, it do seem I had rescued myself, and broke a statue. + +_Dennis._ Och, the Philistines! + +_Dan._ But our traveller--I do think he be the devil--he settled all +in a jiffy; for he paid the old man's debts, and the bailey's broken +head ware chuck'd into the bargain. + +_Dennis._ And what did he pay? + +_Dan._ Guess now. + +_Dennis._ A hundred pounds? + +_Dan._ Six thousand, by gum! + +_Dennis._ What! on the nail? + +_Dan._ Na; on the counter. + +_Dennis._ Whew!--six thousand pou----! Oh, by the powers, this man +must be the philosopher's stone! Dan---- + +_Dan._ Hush! here he be. + + _Enter PEREGRINE, from the House._ + +_Per._ [_To DAN._] So, friend, you have brought provision, I +perceive. + +_Dan._ Ees, sir;--three boil'd fowls, three roast, two chicken +pies, and a capon. + +_Per._ You have considered abundance, more than variety. And the +wine? + +_Dan._ A dozen o' capital red port, sir: I ax'd for the newest they +had i' the cellar. + +_Dennis._ [_To himself._] Six thousand pounds upon a counter! + +_Per._ [_To DAN._] Carry the hamper in doors; then return to me +instantly. You must accompany me in another excursion. + +_Dan._ What, now? + +_Per._ Yes; to Sir Simon Rochdale's. You are not tired, my honest +fellow? + +_Dan._ Na, not a walking wi' you;--but, dang me, when you die, if +all the shoemakers shouldn't go into mourning. + [_DAN takes the Hamper into the House._ + +_Dennis._ [_Ruminating._] Six thousand pounds! by St. Patrick, it's +a sum! + +_Per._ How many miles from here to the Manor house? + +_Dennis._ Six thousand! + +_Per._ Six thousand!--yards you mean, I suppose, friend. + +_Dennis._ Sir!--Eh? Yes, sir, I--I mean yards--all upon a counter! + +_Per._ Six thousand yards upon a counter! Mine host, here, seems a +little bewildered;--but he has been anxious, I find, for poor Mary, +and 'tis national in him to blend eccentricity with kindness. John +Bull exhibits a plain, undecorated dish of solid benevolence; but +Pat has a gay garnish of whim around his good nature; and if, now +and then, 'tis sprinkled in a little confusion, they must have +vitiated stomachs, who are not pleased with the embellishment. + + _Enter DAN, booted._ + +_Dan._ Now, sir, you and I'll stump it. + +_Per._ Is the way we are to go now, so much worse, that you have +cased yourself in those boots? + +_Dan._ Quite clean--that's why I put 'em on: I should ha' dirted 'em +in t' other job. + +_Per._ Set forward, then. + +_Dan._ Na, sir, axing your pardon; I be but the guide, and 'tisn't +for I to go first. + +_Per._ Ha! ha! Then we must march abreast, boy, like lusty soldiers, +and I shall be side by side with honesty: 'tis the best way of +travelling through life's journey, and why not over a heath? Come, +my lad. + +_Dan._ Cheek by jowl, by gum! [_Exeunt PEREGRINE and DAN._ + +_Dennis._ That walking philosopher--perhaps he'll give me a big bag +of money. Then, to be sure, I won't lay out some of it to make me +easy for life: for I'll settle a separate maintenance upon ould +mother Brulgruddery. + + _JOB THORNBERRY peeps out of the Door of the Public House._ + +_Job._ Landlord! + +_Dennis._ Coming, your honour. + +_Job._ [_Coming forward._] Hush! don't bawl;--Mary has fallen +asleep. You have behaved like an emperor to her, she says. Give me +your hand, landlord. + +_Dennis._ Behaved!--Arrah, now, get away with your blarney. + [_Refusing his Hand._ + +_Job._ Well, let it alone. I'm an old fool, perhaps; but, as you +comforted my poor girl in her trouble, I thought a squeeze from her +father's hand--as much as to say, "Thank you, for my child."--might +not have come amiss to you. + +_Dennis._ And is it yourself who are that creature's father? + +_Job._ Her mother said so, and I always believed her. You have heard +some'at of what has happen'd, I suppose. It's all over our town, I +take it, by this time. Scandal is an ugly, trumpeting devil. Let +'em talk;--a man loses little by parting with a herd of neighbours, +who are busiest in publishing his family misfortunes; for they are +just the sort of cattle who would never stir over the threshold to +prevent 'em. + +_Dennis._ Troth, and that's true;--and some will only sarve you, +because you're convenient to 'em, for the time present; just as my +customers come to the Red Cow. + +_Job._ I'll come to the Red Cow, hail, rain, or shine, to help the +house, as long as you are Landlord. Though I must say that your +wife---- + +_Dennis._ [_Putting his Hand before JOB'S Mouth._] Decency! +Remember your own honour, and my feelings. I mustn't hear any thing +bad, you know, of Mrs. Brulgruddery; and you'll say nothing good of +her, without telling damn'd lies; so be asy. + +_Job._ Well, I've done;--but we mustn't be speaking ill of all the +world, neither: there are always some sound hearts to be found among +the hollow ones. Now he that is just gone over the heath---- + +_Dennis._ What, the walking philosopher? + +_Job._ I don't know any thing of his philosophy; but, if I live +these thousand years, I shall never forget his goodness. Then, +there's another;--I was thinking, just now, if I had tried him, I +might have found a friend in my need, this morning. + +_Dennis._ Who is he? + +_Job._ A monstrous good young man; and as modest and affable, as if +he had been bred up a 'prentice, instead of a gentleman. + +_Dennis._ And what's his name? + +_Job._ Oh, every body knows him, in this neighbourhood; he lives +hard by--Mr. Francis Rochdale, the young 'squire, at the +Manor-house. + +_Dennis._ Mr. Francis Rochdale! + +_Job._ Yes!--he's as condescending! and took quite a friendship for +me, and mine. He told me, t'other day, he'd recommend me in trade to +all the great families twenty miles round;--and said he'd do, I +don't know what all, for my Mary. + +_Dennis._ He did!--Well, 'faith, you may'nt know what; but, by my +soul, he has kept his word! + +_Job._ Kept his word!--What do you mean? + +_Dennis._ Harkye--If Scandal is blowing about your little fireside +accident, 'twas Mr. Francis Rochdale recommended him to your shop, +to buy his brass trumpet. + +_Job._ Eh! What? no!--yes--I see it at once!--young Rochdale's a +rascal!--Mary! [_Bawling._ + +_Dennis._ Hush--you'll wake her, you know. + +_Job._ I intend it. I'll--a glossy, oily, smooth rascal!--warming me +in his favour, like an unwholesome February sun! shining upon my +poor cottage, and drawing forth my child,--my tender blossom,--to +suffer blight, and mildew!--Mary! I'll go directly to the +Manor-house--his father's in the commission.--I may'nt find justice, +but I shall find a justice of peace. + +_Dennis._ Fie, now! and can't you listen to reason? + +_Job._ Reason!----tell me a reason why a father shouldn't be almost +mad, when his patron has ruin'd his child.--Damn his +protection!--tell me a reason why a man of birth's seducing my +daughter doesn't almost double the rascality? yes, double it: for my +fine gentleman, at the very time he is laying his plans to make her +infamous, would think himself disgraced in making her the honest +reparation she might find from one of her equals. + +_Dennis._ Arrah, be asy, now, Mr. Thornberry. + +_Job._ And, this spark, forsooth, is now canvassing the +county!--but, if I don't give him his own at the hustings!--How dare +a man set himself up for a guardian of his neighbour's rights, who +has robbed his neighbour of his dearest comforts? How dare a +seducer come into freeholders' houses, and have the impudence to +say, send me up to London as your representative? Mary! [_Calling._ + +_Dennis._ That's all very true.--But if the voters are under +petticoat government, he has a mighty good chance of his election. + + _Enter MARY._ + +_Mary._ Did you call, my dear father? + +_Job._ Yes, I did call. [_Passionately._ + +_Dennis._ Don't you frighten that poor young crature! + +_Mary._ Oh, dear! what has happened?--You are angry; very angry. I +hope it isn't with me!--if it is, I have no reason to complain. + +_Job._ [_Softened, and folding her in his Arms._] My poor, dear +child! I forgive you twenty times more, now, than I did before. + +_Mary._ Do you, my dear father? + +_Job._ Yes; for there's twenty times more excuse for you, when rank +and education have helped a scoundrel to dazzle you. Come! + [_Taking her Hand._ + +_Mary._ Come! where? + +_Job._ [_Impatiently._] To the Manor-house with me, directly. + +_Mary._ To the Manor-house! Oh, my dear father, think of what you +are doing! think of me! + +_Job._ Of you!--I think of nothing else. I'll see you righted. Don't +be terrified, child--damn it, you know I doat on you: but we are all +equals in the eye of the law; and rot me, if I won't make a +baronet's son shake in his shoes, for betraying a brazier's +daughter. Come, love, come! _Exeunt JOB and MARY._ + +_Dennis._ There'll be a big boderation at the Manor-house! My +customers are all gone, that I was to entertain:--nobody's left but +my lambkin, who don't entertain me: Sir Simon's butler gives good +Madeira:--so, I'm off, after the rest; and the Red Cow and mother +Brulgruddery may take care of one another. [_Exit._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Frank._ Shuffleton's intelligence astonishes me!--So soon to throw +herself into the arms of another!----and what could effect, even if +time for perseverance had favoured him, such a person's success with +her! + + _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE._ + +_Sir Simon._ Why, Frank! I thought you were walking with Lady +Caroline. + +_Frank._ No, sir. + +_Sir Simon._ Ha! I wish you would learn some of the gallantries of +the present day from your friend, Tom Shuffleton:--but from being +careless of coming up to the fashion, damn it, you go beyond it? for +you neglect a woman three days before marriage, as much as half the +Tom Shuffletons three months after it. + +_Frank._ As by entering into this marriage, sir, I shall perform the +duties of a son, I hope you will do me the justice to suppose I +shall not be basely negligent as a husband, + +_Sir Simon._ Frank, you're a fool; and---- + + _Enter a SERVANT._ + +Well, sir? + +_Serv._ A person, Sir Simon, says he wishes to see you on very +urgent business. + +_Sir Simon._ And I have very urgent business, just now, with my +steward. Who is the person? How did he come? + +_Serv._ On foot, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Oh, let him wait. [_Exit SERVANT._ + +At all events, I can't see this person for these two hours.--I wish +you would see him for me. + +_Frank._ Certainly, sir,--any thing is refuge to me, now, from the +subject of matrimony. [_Aside, and going._ + +_Sir Simon._ But a word before you go. Damn it, my dear lad, why +can't you perceive I am labouring this marriage for your good? We +shall ennoble the Rochdales:--for, though my father,--your +grandfather,--did some service in elections (_that_ made him a +baronet), amassed property, and bought lands, and so on, yet, your +great grandfather--Come here----your great grandfather was a miller. + [_Half whispering._ + +_Frank._ [_Smiling._] I shall not respect his memory less, sir, for +knowing his occupation. + +_Sir Simon._ But the world will, you blockhead: and, for your sake, +for the sake of our posterity, I would cross the cart breed, as much +as possible, by blood. + +_Frank._ Is that of consequence, sir? + +_Sir Simon._ Isn't it the common policy? and the necessities of your +boasters of pedigree produce a thousand intermarriages with people +of no pedigree at all;--till, at last, we so jumble a genealogy, +that, if the devil himself would pluck knowledge from the family +tree, he could hardly find out the original fruit. + [_Exeunt severally._ + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON, from the Park, following LADY CAROLINE + BRAYMORE._ + +_Shuff._ "The time is come for Iphigene to find, + "The miracle she wrought upon my mind;" + +_Lady Car._ Don't talk to me. + +_Shuff._ "For, now, by love, by force she shall be mine, + "Or death, if force should fail, shall finish my design." + +_Lady Car._ I wish you would finish your nonsense. + +_Shuff._ Nonsense:--'tis poetry; somebody told me 'twas written by +Dryden. + +_Lady Car._ Perhaps so;----but all poetry is nonsense. + +_Shuff._ Hear me, then, in prose. + +_Lady Car._ Psha!--that's worse. + +_Shuff._ Then I must express my meaning in pantomime. Shall I ogle +you? + +_Lady Car._ You are a teasing wretch;--I have subjected myself, I +find, to very ill treatment, in this petty family;--and begin to +perceive I am a very weak woman. + +_Shuff._ [_Aside._] Pretty well for that matter. + +_Lady Car._ To find myself absolutely avoided by the gentleman I +meant to honour with my hand,--so pointedly neglected!---- + +_Shuff._ I must confess it looks a little like a complete cut. + +_Lady Car._ And what you told me of the low attachment that---- + +_Shuff._ Nay, my dear Lady Caroline, don't say that I told you more +than---- + +_Lady Car._ I won't have it denied:--and I'm sure 'tis all true. See +here--here's an odious parchment Lord Fitz Balaam put into my hand +in the park.--A marriage license, I think he calls it--but if I +don't scatter it in a thousand pieces---- + +_Shuff._ [_Preventing her._] Softly, my dear Lady Caroline; that's a +license of marriage, you know. The names are inserted of +course.--Some of them may be rubbed a little in the carriage; but +they may be filled up at pleasure, you know.----Frank's my +friend,----and if he has been negligent, I say nothing; but the +parson of the parish is as blind as a beetle. + +_Lady Car._ Now, don't you think, Mr. Shuffleton, I am a very ill +used person? + +_Shuff._ I feel inwardly for you, Lady Caroline; but my friend makes +the subject delicate. Let us change it. Did you observe the steeple +upon the hill, at the end of the park pales? + +_Lady Car._ Psha?--No. + +_Shuff._ It belongs to one of the prettiest little village churches +you ever saw in your life. Let me show you the inside of the church, +Lady Caroline. + +_Lady Car._ I am almost afraid: for, if I should make a rash vow +there, what is to become of my Lord Fitz Balaam? + +_Shuff._ Oh, that's true; I had forgot his lordship:--but as the +exigencies of the times demand it, let us hurry the question through +the Commons, and when it has passed, with such strong independent +interest on our sides, it will hardly be thrown out by the Peerage. + [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE III. + + + _Another Apartment in SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S House._ + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +_Pereg._ Sir Simon does not hurry himself; but 'tis a custom with +the great, to make the little, and the unknown, dance attendance. +When I left Cornwall, as a boy, this house, I remember, was tenanted +by strangers, and the Rochdales inhabited another on the estate, +seven miles off.--I have lived to see some changes in the family, +and may live, perhaps, to see more. + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Frank._ You expected, I believe, Sir Simon Rochdale, sir;--but he +will be occupied with particular business, for some time. Can I +receive your commands, sir? + +_Pereg._ Are you Sir Simon Rochdale's son, sir? + +_Frank._ I am. + +_Pereg._ It was my wish, sir, to have seen your father. I come +unintroduced, and scurvily enough accoutred; but, as I have urgent +matters to communicate, and have suffered shipwreck, upon your +coast, this morning, business will excuse my obtrusion, and the sea +must apologize for my wardrobe. + +_Frank._ Shipwreck! That calamity is a sufficient introduction to +every roof, I trust, in a civilized country. What can we do +immediately to serve you? + +_Pereg._ Nothing, sir--I am here to perform service, not to require +it. I come from a wretched hut on the heath, within the ken of this +affluent mansion, where I have witnessed calamity in the extreme. + +_Frank._ I do not understand you. + +_Pereg._ Mary!-- + +_Frank._ Ha.!--Now you _have_ made me understand you. I perceive, +now, on what object you have presented yourself here, to harangue. +'Tis a subject on which my own remorse would have taught me to bend +to a just man's castigation; but the reproof retorts on the +reprover, when he is known to be a hypocrite. My friend, sir, has +taught me to know you. + +_Pereg._ He, whom I encountered at the house on the heath? + +_Frank._ The same. + +_Pereg._ And what may he have taught you? + +_Frank._ To discover, that your aim is to torture me, for +relinquishing a beloved object, whom you are, at this moment, +attaching to yourself;--to know, that a diabolical disposition, for +which I cannot account, prompts you to come here, without the +probability of benefiting any party, to injure me, and throw a +whole family into confusion, on the eve of a marriage. But, in +tearing myself from the poor, wronged, Mary, I almost tear my very +heart by its fibres from the seat;----but 'tis a sacrifice to a +father's repose; and-- + +_Pereg._ Hold, sir! When you betrayed the poor, wronged, Mary, how +came you to forget, that every father's repose may be broken for +ever by his child's conduct? + +_Frank._ By my honour! by my soul! it was my intention to have +placed her far, far above the reach of want; but you, my hollow +monitor, are frustrating that intention. You, who come here to +preach virtue, are tempting her to be a confirmed votary of vice, +whom I in penitence would rescue, as the victim of unguarded +sensibility. + +_Pereg._ Are you, then, jealous of me? + +_Frank._ Jealous! + +_Pereg._ Aye: if so, I can give you ease. Return with me, to the +injured innocent on the heath: marry her, and I will give her away. + +_Frank._ Marry her! I am bound in honour to another. + +_Pereg._ Modern honour is a coercive argument; but when you have +seduced virtue, whose injuries you will not solidly repair, you must +be slightly bound in old-fashion'd honesty. + +_Frank._ I------I know not what to say to you. Your manner almost +awes me; and there is a mystery in---- + +_Pereg._ I am mysterious, sir. I may have other business, perhaps, +with your father; and, I will tell you, the very fate of your family +may hang on my conference with him. Come, come, Mr. Rochdale, bring +me to Sir Simon. + +_Frank._ My father cannot be seen yet. Will you, for a short time, +remain in my apartment? + +_Pereg._ Willingly;--and depend on this, sir--I have seen enough of +the world's weakness, to forgive the casual faults of youthful +indiscretion;--but I have a detestation for systematic vice; and +though, as a general censor, my lash may be feeble, circumstances +have put a scourge in my hand, which may fall heavily on this +family, should any of its branches force me to wield it.--I attend +you. [_Exeunt._ + + + * * * * * + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + + _A Hall in the Manor-house._ + + _Voices wrangling without._ + +_Job._ I will see Sir Simon. + +_Simon._ You can't see Sir Simon, &c. &c. &c. + + _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, MARY, and SIMON._ + +_Job._ Don't tell me;--I come upon justice business. + +_Simon._ Sir Simon be a gentleman justice. + +_Job._ If the justice allows all his servants to be as saucy as you, +I can't say much for the gentleman. + +_Simon._ But these ben't his hours. + +_Job._ Hours for justice! I thought one of the blessings of an +Englishman, was to find justice at any time. + +_Mary._ Pray don't be so---- + +_Job._ Hold your tongue, child. What _are_ his hours? + +_Simon._ Why, from twelve to two. + +_Job._ Two hours out of four and twenty! I hope all that belong to +law, are a little quicker than his worship; if not, when a case +wants immediate remedy, it's just eleven to one against us. Don't +you know me? + +_Simon._ Na. + +_Job._ I'm sure I have seen you in Penzance. + +_Simon._ My wife has got a chandler's shop there. + +_Job._ Haven't you heard we've a fire engine in the church? + +_Simon._ What o' that? + +_Job._ Suppose your wife's shop was in flames, and all her bacon and +farthing candles frying? + +_Simon._ And what then? + +_Job._ Why then, while the house was burning, you'd run to the +church for the engine. Shou'dn't you think it plaguy hard if the +sexton said, "Call for it to-morrow, between twelve and two?" + +_Simon._ That be neither here nor there. + +_Job._ Isn't it! Then, do you see this stick? [_Menacing._ + +_Simon._ Pshaw! you be a foolish old fellow. + +_Job._ Why, that's true. Every now and then a jack-in-office, like +you, provokes a man to forget his years. The cudgel is a stout one, +and som'at like your master's justice;--'tis a good weapon in weak +hands; and that's the way many a rogue escapes a dressing.--What! +you are laughing at it? + +_Simon._ Ees. + +_Job._ Ees! you Cornish baboon, in a laced livery!--Here's something +to make you grin more--here's half a crown. + [_Holding it up between his Finger and Thumb._ + +_Simon._ Hee! hee! + +_Job._ Hee, hee!--Damn your Land'send chops! 'tis to get me to your +master:--but, before you have it, though he keeps a +gentleman-justice-shop, I shall make free to ring it on his counter. +[_Throws it on the Floor._] There! pick it up. [_SIMON picks up the +money._] I am afraid you are not the first underling that has +stoop'd to pocket a bribe, before he'd do his duty.--Now, tell the +gentleman-justice, I want to see him. + +_Simon._ I'll try what I can do for you. [_Exit._ + +_Job._ What makes you tremble so, Mary? + +_Mary._ I can't help it:--I wish I could persuade you to go back +again. + +_Job._ I'll stay till the roof falls, but I'll see some of 'em. + +_Mary._ Indeed, you don't know how you terrify me. But, if you go to +Sir Simon, you'll leave me here in the hall;--you won't make me go +with you, father? + +_Job._ Not take you with me.--I'll go with my wrongs in my hand, and +make him blush for his son. + +_Mary._ I hope you'll think better of it. + +_Job._ Why? + +_Mary._ Because, when you came to talk, I should sink with shame, if +he said any thing to you that might----that---- + +_Job._ Might what? + +_Mary._ [_Sighing, and hanging down her Head._] Make you blush for +your daughter. + +_Job._ I won't have you waiting, like a petitioner, in this hall, +when you come to be righted. No, no! + +_Mary._ You wouldn't have refused me any thing once;--but I know I +have lost your esteem, now. + +_Job._ Lost!--forgive is forgive, all the world over. You know, +Mary, I have forgiven you: and, making it up by halves, is making +myself a brass teakettle--warm one minute, cold the next; smooth +without, and hollow within. + +_Mary._ Then, pray, don't deny me!--I'm sure you wouldn't, if you +knew half I am suffering. + +_Job._ Do as you like, Mary; only never tell me again you have lost +my esteem. It looks like suspicion o' both sides.--Never say that, +and I can deny you nothing in reason,--or, perhaps, a little beyond +it.-- + + _Enter SIMON._ + +Well, will the justice do a man the favour to do his duty? Will he +see me? + +_Simon._ Come into the room next his libery. A stranger, who's with +young master, ha' been waiting for un, longer nor you; but I'll get +you in first. + +_Job._ I don't know, that that's quite fair to the other. + +_Simon._ Ees, it be; for t'other didn't give I half a crown. + +_Job._ Then, stay till I come back, Mary.--I see, my man, when you +take a bribe, you are scrupulous enough to do your work for it; for +which, I hope, somebody may duck you with one hand, and rub you dry +with the other. Kindness and honesty, for kindness and honesty's +sake, is the true coin; but many a one, like you, is content to be a +passable Birmingham halfpenny. [_Exeunt JOB THORNBERRY and SIMON._ + +_Mary._ I wished to come to this house in the morning, and now I +would give the world to be out of it. Hark! here's somebody! Oh, +mercy on me, 'tis he himself! What will become of me! + [_Retires towards the Back of the Scene._ + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Frank._ My father, then, shall see this visitor, whatever be the +event. I will prepare him for the interview, and---- [_Sees MARY._] +Good Heaven! why--why are you here? + +_Mary._ [_Advancing to him eagerly._] I don't come willingly to +trouble you; I don't, indeed! + +_Frank._ What motive, Mary, has brought you to this house? and who +is the stranger under whose protection you have placed yourself, at +the house on the heath? Surely you cannot love him! + +_Mary._ I hope I do. + +_Frank._ You hope you do! + +_Mary._ Yes; for I think he saved my life this morning, when I was +struggling with the robber, who threatened to kill me. + +_Frank._ And had you taken no guide with you, Mary?--no protector? + +_Mary._ I was thinking too much of one, who promised to be my +protector always, to think of any other. + +_Frank._ Mary----I----I----'twas I, then, it seems who brought your +life into such hazard. + +_Mary._ I hope I haven't said any thing to make you unhappy. + +_Frank._ Nothing, my dearest Mary, nothing. I know it is not in your +nature even to whisper a reproof. Yet, I sent a friend, with full +power from me, to give you the amplest protection. + +_Mary._ I know you did:--and he gave me a letter, that I might be +protected, when I got to London. + +_Frank._ Why, then, commit yourself to the care of a stranger? + +_Mary._ Because the stranger read the direction of the letter--here +it is, [_Taking it from her Pocket._] and said your friend was +treacherous. + +_Frank._ [_Looking at the Letter._] Villain! + +_Mary._ Did he intend to lead me into a snare then? + +_Frank._ Let me keep this letter.--I may have been deceived in the +person I sent to you, but--damn his rascality! [_Aside._] But, could +you think me base enough to leave you, unsheltered? I had torn you +from your home,--with anguish I confess it--but I would have +provided you another home, which want should not have assailed. +Would this stranger bring you better comfort? + +_Mary._ Oh, yes; he has; he has brought me my father. + +_Frank._ Your father!--from whom I made you fly! + +_Mary._ Yes; he has brought a father to his child,--that she might +kiss off the tears her disobedience had forced down his aged cheeks, +and restored me to the only home, which could give me any comfort, +now.--And my father is here. + +_Frank._ Here! + +_Mary._ Indeed, I cou'dn't help his coming; and he made me come with +him. + +_Frank._ I--I am almost glad, Mary, that it has happened. + +_Mary._ Are you? + +_Frank._ Yes--when a weight of concealment is on the mind, remorse +is relieved by the very discovery which it has dreaded. But you must +not be waiting here, Mary. There is one in the house, to whose care +I will entrust you. + +_Mary._ I hope it isn't the person you sent to me to-day. + +_Frank._ He! I would sooner cradle infancy with serpents.--Yet this +is my friend! I will, now, confide in a stranger:--the stranger, +Mary, who saved your life. + +_Mary._ Is he here! + +_Frank._ He is:--Oh, Mary, how painful, if, performing the duty of a +son, I must abandon, at last, the expiation of a penitent! but so +dependent on each other are the delicate combinations of probity, +that one broken link perplexes the whole chain, and an abstracted +virtue becomes a relative iniquity. [_Exeunt._ + + + +SCENE II. + + + _The Library._ + + _SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and his STEWARD, who appears to be + quitting the Room. JOB THORNBERRY standing at a little + Distance from them._ + +_Sir Simon._ Remember the money must be ready to-morrow, Mr. +Pennyman. + +_Steward._ It shall, Sir Simon. [_Going._ + +_Sir Simon._ [_To JOB._] So, friend, your business, you say, +is--and, Mr. Pennyman, [_STEWARD turns back._] give Robin Ruddy +notice to quit his cottage, directly. + +_Steward._ I am afraid, Sir Simon, if he's turned out, it will be +his ruin. + +_Sir Simon._ He should have recollected that, before he ruin'd his +neighbour's daughter. + +_Job._ [_Starting._] Eh! + +_Sir Simon._ What's the matter with the man? His offence is attended +with great aggravation.--Why doesn't he marry her? + +_Job._ Aye! [_Emphatically._ + +_Sir Simon._ Pray, friend, be quiet. + +_Steward._ He says it would make her more unfortunate still; he's +too necessitous to provide even for the living consequence of his +indiscretion. + +_Sir Simon._ That doubles his crime to the girl.--He must quit. I'm +a magistrate, you know, Mr. Pennyman, and 'tis my duty to discourage +all such immorality. + +_Steward._ Your orders must be obeyed, Sir Simon. [_Exit STEWARD._ + +_Sir Simon._ Now, yours is justice-business, you say. You come at an +irregular time, and I have somebody else waiting for me; so be +quick. What brings you here? + +_Job._ My daughter's seduction, Sir Simon;--and it has done my +heart good to hear your worship say, 'tis your duty to discourage +all such immorality. + +_Sir Simon._ To be sure it is;--but men, like you, shou'dn't be too +apt to lay hold of every sentiment justice drops, lest you misapply +it. 'Tis like an officious footman snatching up his mistress's +periwig, and clapping it on again, hind part before. What are you? + +_Job._ A tradesman, Sir Simon. I have been a freeholder, in this +district, for many a year. + +_Sir Simon._ A freeholder!--Zounds! one of Frank's voters, perhaps, +and of consequence at his election. [_Aside._] Won't you, my good +friend, take a chair? + +_Job._ Thank you, Sir Simon, I know my proper place. I didn't come +here to sit down with Sir Simon Rochdale, because I am a freeholder; +I come to demand my right, because you are a justice. + +_Sir Simon._ A man of respectability, a tradesman, and a freeholder, +in such a serious case as yours, had better have recourse to a court +of law. + +_Job._ I am not rich, now, Sir Simon, whatever I may have been. + +_Sir Simon._ A magistrate, honest, friend, can't give you +damages:--you must fee counsel. + +_Job._ I can't afford an expensive lawsuit, Sir Simon:--and, begging +your pardon, I think the law never intended that an injured man, in +middling circumstances, should either go without redress, or starve +himself to obtain it. + +_Sir Simon._ Whatever advice I can give you, you shall have it for +nothing; but I can't jump over justice's hedges and ditches. Courts +of law are broad high roads, made for national convenience; if your +way lie through them, 'tis but fair you should pay the turnpikes. +Who is the offender? + +_Job._ He lives on your estate, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Oho! a tenant!--Then I may carry you through your +journey by a short cut. Let him marry your daughter, my honest +friend. + +_Job._ He won't. + +_Sir Simon._ Why not? + +_Job._ He's going to marry another. + +_Sir Simon._ Then he turns out. The rascal sha'n't disgrace my +estate four and twenty hours longer.--Injure a reputable tradesman, +my neighbour!----a freeholder!--and refuse to----did you say he was +poor? + +_Job._ No, Sir Simon; and, by and by, if you don't stand in his way, +he may be very rich. + +_Sir Simon._ Rich! eh!--Why, zounds! is he a gentleman? + +_Job._ I have answer'd that question already, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Not that I remember. + +_Job._ I thought I had been telling you his behaviour. + +_Sir Simon._ Umph! + +_Job._ I reckon many of my neighbours honest men, though I can't +call them gentlemen;--but I reckon no man a gentleman, that I can't +call honest. + +_Sir Simon._ Harkye, neighbour;--if he's a gentleman (and I have +several giddy young tenants, with more money than thought), let him +give you a good round sum, and there's an end. + +_Job._ A good round sum!--Damn me, I shall choke! [_Aside._] A +ruffian, with a crape, puts a pistol to my breast, and robs me of +forty shillings;--a scoundrel, with a smiling face, creeps to my +fireside, and robs my daughter of her innocence. The judge can't +allow restitution to spare the highwayman;--then, pray, Sir +Simon,--I wish to speak humbly--pray don't insult the father, by +calling money a reparation from the seducer. + +_Sir Simon._ This fellow must be dealt with quietly I see--Justice, +my honest friend, is----justice.--As a magistrate, I make no +distinction of persons.--Seduction is a heinous offence: and, +whatever is in my power, I---- + +_Job._ The offender is in your power, Sir Simon. + +_Sir Simon._ Well, well; don't be hasty, and I'll take cognizance of +him.--We must do things in form:--but you mustn't be passionate. +[_Goes to the Table, and takes up a Pen._] Come, give me his +christian and surname, and I'll see what's to be done for you.--Now, +what name must I write? + +_Job._ Francis Rochdale. + +_Sir Simon._ [_Drops the Pen, looks at JOB, and starts up._] Damn me! +if it isn't the brazier! + +_Job._ Justice is justice, Sir Simon. I am a respectable tradesman, +your neighbour, and a freeholder.--Seduction is a heinous offence; a +magistrate knows no distinction of persons; and a rascal musn't +disgrace your estate four and twenty hours longer. + +_Sir Simon._ [_Sheepishly._] I believe your name is Thornberry? + +_Job._ It is, Sir Simon. I never blush'd at my name, till your son +made me blush for yours. + +_Sir Simon._ Mr. Thornberry--I--I heard something of my +son's--a--little indiscretion, some mornings ago. + +_Job._ Did you, Sir Simon? you never sent to me about it; so, I +suppose, the news reach'd you at one of the hours you don't set +apart for justice. + +_Sir Simon._ This is a----a very awkward business, Mr. Thornberry. +Something like a hump back;--we can never set it quite straight, so +we must bolster it. + +_Job._ How do you mean, Sir Simon? + +_Sir Simon._ Why--'tis a--a disagreeable affair, and--we--must hush +it up. + +_Job._ Hush it up! a justice compound with a father, to wink at his +child's injuries! if you and I hush it up so, Sir Simon, how shall +we hush it up here? [_Striking his Breast._] In one word, will your +son marry my daughter? + +_Sir Simon._ What! my son marry the daughter of a brazier! + +_Job._ He has ruined the daughter of a brazier.--If the best lord in +the land degrades himself by a crime, you can't call his atonement +for it a condescension. + +_Sir Simon._ Honest friend--I don't know in what quantities you may +sell brass at your shop; but when you come abroad, and ask a baronet +to marry his son to your daughter, damn me, if you ar'n't a +wholesale dealer! + +_Job._ And I can't tell, Sir Simon, how you may please to retail +justice; but when a customer comes to deal largely with you, damn me +if you don't shut up the shop windows! + +_Sir Simon._ You are growing saucy. Leave the room, or I shall +commit you. + +_Job._ Commit me! you will please to observe, Sir Simon, I +remember'd my duty, till you forgot yours. You asked me, at first, +to sit down in your presence. I knew better than to do so, before a +baronet and a justice of peace. But I lose my respect for my +superior in rank, when he's so much below my equals in fair +dealing:--and, since the magistrate has left the chair [_Slams the +Chair into the middle of the Room._] I'll sit down on it. [_Sits +down._] There!--'Tis fit it should be fill'd by somebody--and, +dam'me if I leave the house till you redress my daughter, or I shame +you all over the county! + +_Sir Simon._ Why, you impudent mechanic! I shou'dn't wonder if the +scoundrel call'd for my clerk, and sign'd my mittimus. [_Rings the +Bell._] Fellow, get out of that chair. + +_Job._ I sha'n't stir. If you want to sit down, take another. This +is the chair of justice: it's the most uneasy for you of any in the +room. + + _Enter SERVANT._ + +_Sir Simon._ Tell Mr. Rochdale to come to me directly. + +_Serv._ Yes, Sir Simon. [_Sees JOB._] Hee! hee! + +_Sir Simon._ Don't stand grinning, you booby! but go. + +_Serv._ Yes, Sir Simon. Hee! he! [_Exit._ + +_Job._ [_Reaching a Book from the Table._] "Burn's Justice!" + +_Sir Simon._ And how dare you take it up? + +_Job._ Because you have laid it down. Read it a little better, and, +then, I may respect you more.--There it is. + [_Throws it on the Floor._ + + _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._ + +_Sir Simon._ So, sir! prettily I am insulted on your account! + +_Frank._ Good Heaven, sir! what is the matter? + +_Sir Simon._ The matter! [_Points to JOB._] Lug that old bundle of +brass out of my chair, directly. + [_FRANK casts his Eyes on THORNBERRY, then + on the Ground, and stands abashed._ + +_Job._ He dare as soon jump into one of your tin-mines. +Brass!--there is no baser metal than hypocrisy: he came with that +false coin to my shop, and it pass'd; but see how conscience nails +him to the spot, now! + +_Frank._ [_To SIR SIMON._] Sir, I came to explain all. + +_Sir Simon._ Sir, you must be aware that all is explained already. +You provoke a brazier almost to knock me down; and bring me news of +it, when he is fix'd as tight in my study, as a copper in my +kitchen. + +_Frank._ [_Advancing to JOB._] Mr. Thornberry, I---- + +_Job._ Keep your distance! I'm an old fellow; but if my daughter's +seducer comes near me, I'll beat him as flat as a stewpan. + +_Frank._ [_Still advancing._] Suffer me to speak, and-- + +_Job._ [_Rising from the Chair, and holding up his Cane._] Come an +inch nearer, and I'll be as good as my word. + + _Enter PEREGRINE._ + +_Pereg._ Hold! + +_Job._ Eh! you here? then I have some chance, perhaps, of getting +righted, at last. + +_Pereg._ Do not permit passion to weaken that chance. + +_Job._ Oh, plague! you don't know;--I wasn't violent till---- + +_Pereg._ Nay, nay; cease to grasp that cane.--While we are so +conspicuously bless'd with laws to chastise a culprit, the mace of +justice is the only proper weapon for the injured.--Let me talk with +you. [_Takes THORNBERRY aside._ + +_Sir Simon._ [_To FRANK ROCHDALE._] Well, sir; who may this last +person be, whom you have thought proper should visit me? + +_Frank._ A stranger in this country, sir, and---- + +_Sir Simon._ And a friend, I perceive, of that old ruffian. + +_Frank._ I have reason to think, sir, he is a friend to Mr. +Thornberry. + +_Sir Simon._ Sir, I am very much obliged to you.--You send a brazier +to challenge me, and now, I suppose, you have brought a travelling +tinker for his second. Where does he come from? + +_Frank._ India, sir. He leap'd from the vessel that was foundering +on the rocks, this morning, and swam to shore. + +_Sir Simon._ Did he? I wish he had taken the jump with the brazier +tied to his neck. + [_PEREGRINE and JOB come forward._ + +_Pereg._ [_Apart to JOB._] I can discuss it better in your absence. +Be near with Mary: should the issue be favourable, I will call you. + +_Job._ [_Apart to PEREG._] Well, well! I will. You have a better +head at it than I.----Justice! Oh, if I was Lord Chancellor, I'd +knock all the family down with the mace, in a minute. [_Exit._ + +_Pereg._ Suffer me to say a few words, Sir Simon Rochdale, in behalf +of that unhappy man. [_Pointing to where JOB was gone out._ + +_Sir Simon._ And pray, sir, what privilege have you to interfere in +my domestic concerns? + +_Pereg._ None, as it appears abstractedly. Old Thornberry has just +deputed me to accommodate his domestic concerns with you: I would, +willingly, not touch upon yours. + +_Sir Simon._ Poh! poh! You can't touch upon one, Without being +impertinent about the other. + +_Pereg._ Have the candour to suppose, Sir Simon, that I mean no +disrespect to your house. Although I may stickle, lustily, with you, +in the cause of an aggrieved man, believe me, early habits have +taught me to be anxious for the prosperity of the Rochdales. + +_Sir Simon._ Early habits! + +_Pereg._ I happened to be born on your estate, Sir Simon; and have +obligations to some part of your family. + +_Sir Simon._ Then, upon my soul, you have chosen a pretty way to +repay them! + +_Pereg._ I know no better way of repaying them, than by consulting +your family honour. In my boyhood, it seem'd as if nature had +dropp'd me a kind of infant subject on your father's Cornish +territory; and the whole pedigree of your house is familiar to me. + +_Sir Simon._ Is it? Confound him, he has heard of the miller! +[_Aside._] Sir, you may talk this tolerably well; but 'tis my +hope--my opinion, I mean, you can't tell who was my grandfather. + +_Pereg._ Whisper the secret to yourself, Sir Simon; and let reason +also whisper to you, that, when honest industry raises a family to +opulence and honours, its very original lowness sheds lustre on its +elevation;--but all its glory fades, when it has given a wound, and +denies a balsam, to a man, as humble, and as honest, as your own +ancestor. + +_Sir Simon._ But I haven't given the wound.--And why, good sir, +won't you be pleased to speak your sentiments! + [_To FRANK, who has retired, during the above + Conversation, to the Back of the Room._ + +_Frank._ The first are, obedience to my father, sir; and, if I must +proceed, I own that nothing, in my mind, but the amplest atonement, +can extinguish true remorse for a cruelty. + +_Sir Simon._ Ha! in other words, you can't clap an extinguisher upon +your feelings, without a father-in-law who can sell you one. But +Lady Caroline Braymore is your wife, or I am no longer your father. + + _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON and LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._ + +_Shuff._ How d'ye do, good folks? How d'ye do? + +_Sir Simon._ Ha! Lady Caroline!--Tom, I have had a little +business.--The last dinner-bell has rung, Lady Caroline; but I'll +attend you directly. + +_Shuff._ Baronet, I'm afraid we sha'n't be able to dine with you +to-day. + +_Sir Simon._ Not dine with me! + +_Lady Car._ No;--we are just married! + +_Sir Simon._ Hell and the devil! married! + +_Shuff._ Yes; we are married, and can't come. + +_Pereg._ [_Aside._] Then 'tis time to speak to old Thornberry. + [_Exit._ + +_Sir Simon._ Lady Caroline! + +_Lady Car._ I lost my appetite in your family this morning, Sir +Simon; and have no relish for any thing you can have the goodness to +offer me. + +_Shuff._ Don't press us, baronet;--that's quite out, in the New +School. + +_Sir Simon._ Oh, damn the New School!--who will explain all this +mystery? + +_Frank._ Mr. Shuffleton shall explain it, sir; and other mysteries +too. + +_Shuff._ My dear Frank, I have something to say to you. But here +comes my papa; I've been talking to him, Sir Simon, and he'll talk +to you. He does very well to explain, for the benefit of a country +gentleman. + + _Enter LORD FITZ BALAAM._ + +_Sir Simon._ My Lord, it is painful to be referred to you, when so +much is to be said. What is it all? + +_Lord Fitz._ You are disappointed, Sir Simon, and I am ruin'd. + +_Sir Simon._ But, my lord---- [_They go up the Stage._ + + [_LADY CAROLINE throws herself carelessly into a + Chair. SHUFFLETON advances to FRANK._ + +_Shuff._ My dear Frank, I----I have had a devilish deal of trouble +in getting this business off your hands. But you see, I have done my +best for you. + +_Frank._ For yourself, you mean. + +_Shuff._ Come, damn it, my good fellow, don't be ungrateful to a +friend. + +_Frank._ Take back this letter of recommendation, you wrote for +Mary, as a friend. When you assume that name with me, Mr. +Shuffleton, for myself I laugh; for you I blush; but for sacred +friendship's profanation I grieve. [_Turns from him._ + +_Shuff._ That all happens from living so much out of town. + + _Enter PEREGRINE, JOB THORNBERRY, and MARY._ + +_Pereg._ Now, Sir Simon, as accident seems to have thwarted a +design, which probity could never applaud, you may, perhaps, be +inclined to do justice here. + +_Job._ Justice is all I come for--damn their favours! Cheer up, +Mary! + +_Sir Simon._ [_To PEREG._] I was in hopes I had got rid of you. You +are an orator from the sea-shore; but you must put more pebbles in +your mouth before you harangue me into a tea-kettle connexion. + +_Shuff._ That's my friend at the Red Cow. He is the new-old _cher +ami_ to honest tea-kettle's daughter. + +_Frank._ Your insinuation is false, sir. + +_Shuff._ False! [_Stepping forward._ + +_Lady Car._ Hush! don't quarrel;--we are only married to-day. + +_Shuff._ That's true; I won't do any thing to make you unhappy for +these three weeks. + +_Pereg._ Sir Simon Rochdale, if my oratory fail, and which, indeed, +is weak, may interest prevail with you? + +_Sir Simon._ No; rather than consent, I'd give up every acre of my +estate. + +_Pereg._ Your conduct proves you unworthy of your estate; and, +unluckily for you, you have roused the indignation of an elder +brother, who now stands before you, and claims it. + +_Sir Simon._ Eh!--Zounds!--Peregrine! + +_Pereg._ I can make my title too good, in an instant, for you to +dispute it. My agent in London has long had documents on the secret +he has kept; and several old inhabitants here, I know, are prepared +to identify me. + +_Sir Simon._ I had a run-away brother--a boy that every body +thought dead. How came he not to claim till now? + +_Pereg._ Because, knowing he had given deep cause of offence, he +never would have asserted his abandon'd right, had he not found a +brother neglecting, what no Englishman should neglect--justice and +humanity to his inferiors. + + _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY._ + +_Dennis._ Stand asy, all of you; for I've big news for my +half-drown'd customer. Och! bless your mug! and is it there you are? + +_Sir Simon._ What's the matter now? + +_Dennis._ Hould your tongue, you little man!--There's a great post +just come to your Manor-house, and the Indiaman's work'd into port. + +_Job._ What, the vessel with all your property? [_To PEREG._ + +_Dennis._ By all that's amazing, they say you have a hundred +thousand pounds in that ship. + +_Pereg._ My losses might have been somewhat more without this +recovery. I have entered into a sort of partnership with you, my +friend, this morning. How can we dissolve it? + +_Job._ You are an honest man; so am I; so settle that account as you +like. + +_Pereg._ Come forth, then, injured simplicity;--of your own cause +you shall be now the arbitress. + +_Mary._ Do not make me speak, sir, I am so humbled--so abash'd---- + +_Job._ Nonsense! we are sticking up for right. + +_Pereg._ Will you then speak, Mr. Rochdale? + +_Frank._ My father is bereft of a fortune, sir; but I must hesitate +till his fiat is obtained, as much as if he possess'd it. + +_Sir Simon._ Nay, nay; follow your own inclinations now + +_Frank._ May I, sir? Oh, then, let the libertine now make +reparation, and claim a wife. + [_Running to MARY, and embracing her._ + +_Dennis._ His wife! Och! what a big dinner we'll have at the Red +Cow! + +_Pereg._ What am I to say, sir? [_To SIR SIMON._ + +_Sir Simon._ Oh! you are to say what you please. + +_Pereg._ Then, bless you both! And, tho' I have passed so much of my +life abroad, brother, English equity is dear to my heart. Respect +the rights of honest John Bull, and our family concerns may be +easily arranged. + +_Job._ That's upright. I forgive you, young man, for what has +passed; but no one deserves forgiveness, who refuses to make amends, +when he has disturb'd the happiness of an Englishman's fireside. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL*** + + +******* This file should be named 20177.txt or 20177.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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