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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, John Bull, by George Colman, et al
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: John Bull
+ The Englishman's Fireside: A Comedy, in Five Acts
+
+
+Author: George Colman
+
+
+
+Release Date: December 23, 2006 [eBook #20177]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Steven desJardins and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+ file which includes the original illustrations.
+ See 20177-h.htm or 20177-h.zip:
+ (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177/20177-h/20177-h.htm)
+ or
+ (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/0/1/7/20177/20177-h.zip)
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+ Typographical errors in the original 1807 edition
+ have been left uncorrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+JOHN BULL;
+
+Or,
+
+The Englishman's Fireside:
+A Comedy, in Five Acts;
+
+by
+
+GEORGE COLMAN, THE YOUNGER.
+
+As Performed at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden.
+
+Printed Under the Authority of the Managers
+from the Prompt Book.
+
+With Remarks by Mrs. Inchbald.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: JOHN BULL
+
+JOB THORNBERRY.--THERE--'TIS FIT IT SHOULD BE FILLED BY SOMEBODY.
+
+ACT V, SCENE II.
+
+PAINTED BY SINGLETON
+PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN & CO.
+ENGRAVED BY FITTLER]
+
+
+
+
+London:
+Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme,
+Paternoster Row.
+
+William Savage, Printer,
+London.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ "Yet be not blindly guided by the throng;
+ "The multitude is always in the wrong."
+
+Roscommon surely meets with a bold contradiction in this comedy--for
+it was not only admired by the multitude, but the discerning few
+approved of that admiration.
+
+The irresistible broad humour, which is the predominant quality of
+this drama, is so exquisitely interspersed with touches of nature
+more refined, with occasional flashes of wit, and with events so
+interesting, that, if the production is not of that perfect kind
+which the most rigid critic demands, he must still acknowledge it as
+a bond, given under the author's own hand, that he can, if he
+pleases, produce, in all its various branches, a complete comedy.
+
+The introduction of farces into the entertainments of the theatre
+has been one cause of destroying that legitimate comedy, which such
+critics require. The eye, which has been accustomed to delight in
+paintings of caricature, regards a picture from real life as an
+insipid work. The extravagance of farce has given to the Town a
+taste for the pleasant convulsion of hearty laughter, and smiles are
+contemned, as the tokens of insipid amusement.
+
+To know the temper of the times with accuracy, is one of the first
+talents requisite to a dramatic author. The works of other authors
+may be reconsidered a week, a month, or a year after a first
+perusal, and regain their credit by an increase of judgment bestowed
+upon their reader; but the dramatist, once brought before the
+public, must please at first sight, or never be seen more. There is
+no reconsideration in _his_ case--no judgment to expect beyond the
+decree of the moment: and he must direct his force against the
+weakness, as well as the strength, of his jury. He must address
+their habits, passions, and prejudices, as the only means to gain
+this sudden conquest of their minds and hearts. Such was the
+author's success on the representation of "John Bull." The hearts
+and minds of his auditors were captivated, and proved, to
+demonstration, his skilful insight into human kind.
+
+Were other witnesses necessary to confirm this truth, the whole
+dramatis personae might be summoned as evidence, in whose characters
+human nature is powerfully described; and if, at times, too boldly
+for a reader's sober fancy, most judiciously adapted to that spirit
+which guides an audience.
+
+It would be tedious to enumerate the beauties of this play, for it
+abounds with them. Its faults, in a moment, are numbered.
+
+The prudence and good sense of Job Thornberry are so palpably
+deficient, in his having given to a little run-away, story-telling
+boy (as it is proved, and he might have suspected) ten guineas, the
+first earnings of his industry--that no one can wonder he becomes a
+bankrupt, or pity him when he does. In the common course of
+occurrences, ten guineas would redeem many a father of a family from
+bitter misery, and plunge many a youth into utter ruin. Yet nothing
+pleases an audience so much as a gift, let who will be the receiver.
+They should be broken of this vague propensity to give; and be
+taught, that charity without discrimination is a sensual enjoyment,
+and, like all sensuality, ought to be restrained: but that charity
+with discretion, is foremost amongst the virtues, and must not be
+contaminated with heedless profusion.--Still the author has shown
+such ingenuity in the event which arises from this incident, that
+those persons, who despise the silly generosity of Thornberry, are
+yet highly affected by the gratitude of Peregrine.
+
+This comedy would read much better, but not act half so well, if it
+were all written in good English. It seems unreasonable to forbid an
+author to take advantage of any actor's peculiar abilities that may
+suit his convenience; and both Johnstone and Emery displayed
+abilities of the very first rate in the two characters they
+represented in "John Bull."--But to the author of "John Bull," whose
+genius may be animated to still higher exertions in the pursuit of
+fame, it may be said--Leave the distortion of language to men who
+cannot embellish it like yourself--and to women.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
+
+
+PEREGRINE _Mr. Cooke._
+SIR SIMON ROCHDALE] _Mr. Blanchard._
+FRANK ROCHDALE _Mr. H. Johnston._
+WILLIAMS _Mr. Klanert._
+LORD FITZ-BALAAM _Mr. Waddy._
+HON. TOM SHUFFLETON _Mr. Lewis_
+JOB THORNBERRY _Mr. Fawcett._
+JOHN BUR _Mr. Atkins._
+DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY _Mr. Johnstone._
+DAN _Mr. Emery._
+MR. PENNYMAN _Mr. Davenport._
+JOHN _Mr. Abbot._
+ROBERT _Mr. Truman._
+SIMON _Mr. Beverly._
+
+LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE _Mrs. H. Johnston._
+MRS. BRULGRUDDERY _Mrs. Davenport._
+MARY THORNBERRY _Mrs. Gibbs._
+
+ _SCENE,--Cornwall._
+
+
+
+
+JOHN BULL.
+
+ACT THE FIRST.
+
+SCENE I.
+
+
+ _A Public House on a Heath: over the Door the Sign of the Red
+ Cow;----and the Name of "DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY."_
+
+ _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY and DAN, from the House. DAN opening
+ the outward Shutters of the House._
+
+_Dennis._ A pretty blustratious night we have had! and the sun peeps
+through the fog this morning, like the copper pot in my
+kitchen.--Devil a traveller do I see coming to the Red Cow.
+
+_Dan._ Na, measter!--nowt do pass by here, I do think, but the
+carrion crows.
+
+_Dennis._ Dan;--think you, will I be ruin'd?
+
+_Dan._ Ees; past all condemption. We be the undonestest family in
+all Cornwall. Your ale be as dead as my grandmother; mistress do set
+by the fire, and sputter like an apple a-roasting; the pigs ha'
+gotten the measles; I be grown thinner nor an old sixpence; and thee
+hast drank up all the spirity liquors.
+
+_Dennis._ By my soul, I believe my setting up the Red Cow, a week
+ago, was a bit of a Bull!--but that's no odds. Haven't I been
+married these three months?--and who did I marry?
+
+_Dan._ Why, a waddling woman, wi' a mulberry feace.
+
+_Dennis._ Have done with your blarney, Mr. Dan. Think of the high
+blood in her veins, you bog trotter.
+
+_Dan._ Ees; I always do, when I do look at her nose.
+
+_Dennis._ Never you mind Mrs. Brulgruddery's nose. Was'nt she fat
+widow to Mr. Skinnygauge, the lean exciseman of Lestweithel? and
+did'nt her uncle, who is fifteenth cousin to a Cornish Baronet, say
+he'd leave her no money, if he ever happen'd to have any, because
+she had disgraced her parentage, by marrying herself to a taxman?
+Bathershan, man, and don't you think he'll help us out of the mud,
+now her second husband is an Irish jontleman, bred and born?
+
+_Dan._ He, he! Thee be'st a rum gentleman.
+
+_Dennis._ Troth, and myself, Mr. Dennis Brulgruddery, was brought up
+to the church.
+
+_Dan._ Why, zure!
+
+_Dennis._ You may say that, I open'd the pew doors, in Belfast.
+
+_Dan._ And what made 'em to turn thee out o'the treade?
+
+_Dennis._ I snored in sermon time. Dr. Snufflebags, the preacher,
+said I woke the rest of the congregation. Arrah, Dan, don't I see a
+tall customer stretching out his arms in the fog?
+
+_Dan._ Na; that be the road-post.
+
+_Dennis._ 'Faith, and so it is. Och! when I was turn'd out of my
+snug birth at Belfast, the tears ran down my eighteen year old
+cheeks, like buttermilk.
+
+_Dan._ Pshaw, man! nonsense! Thee'dst never get another livelihood
+by crying.
+
+_Dennis._ Yes, I did; I cried oysters. Then I pluck'd up----what's
+that? a customer!
+
+_Dan._ [_Looking out._] Na, a donkey.
+
+_Dennis._ Well, then I pluck'd up a parcel of my courage, and I
+carried arms.
+
+_Dan._ Waunds! what, a musket?
+
+_Dennis._ No; a reaping hook. I cut my way half through England:
+till a German learn'd me physic, at a fair in Devonshire.
+
+_Dan._ What, poticary's stuff?
+
+_Dennis._ I studied it in Doctor Von Quolchigronck's booth, at
+Plympton. He cured the yellow glanders, and restored prolification
+to families who wanted an heir. I was of mighty use to him as an
+assistant.
+
+_Dan._ Were you indeed!
+
+_Dennis._ But, somehow, the doctor and I had a quarrel; so I gave
+him something, and parted.
+
+_Dan._ And what didst thee give him, pray?
+
+_Dennis._ I gave him a black-eye; and set up for myself at
+Lestweithel; where Mr. Skinnygauge, the exciseman, was in his
+honeymoon.--Poor soul! he was my patient, and died one day: but his
+widow had such a neat notion of my subscriptions, that in three
+weeks, she was Mrs. Brulgruddery.
+
+_Dan._ He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money?
+
+_Dennis._ Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad
+luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth
+chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague.
+
+_Dan._ Why, that be this very house.
+
+_Dennis._ Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the
+remainder of the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery:
+laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the
+goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption;
+took a sarvingman----
+
+_Dan._ That's I.--I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired
+me.
+
+_Dennis._ And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer
+since I have been a publican.
+
+_Dan._ See!--See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!--and a
+coming this road.
+
+_Dennis._ Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he
+may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him
+there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow.
+
+_Dan._ I will--Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie.
+
+_Dennis._ And harkye:--say there's an accomplish'd landlord.
+
+_Dan._ Ees--and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that.
+
+_Dennis._ And, Dan;--sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that
+has sour'd all the beer, you know.
+
+_Dan._ What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used
+to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant
+un! [_Exit._
+
+_Dennis._ Wife!--I must tell her the joyful news--Mrs. Brulgruddery!
+my dear!--Devil choak my dear!--she's as deaf as a trunk-maker--Mrs.
+Brulgruddery!
+
+ _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery?
+What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd
+like to know?
+
+_Dennis._ Mighty like a mile-stone--standing still, at this present
+writing.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ A pretty situation we are in truly!
+
+_Dennis._ Yes;--upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ And, where is the fortune I brought you?
+
+_Dennis._ All swallow'd up by the Red Cow.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have
+been in such a quandary.
+
+_Dennis._ Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this
+public house?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept
+it. But, who advised you to drink out all the brandy?
+
+_Dennis._ No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears
+into my eyes, as you do! [_Crying._
+
+_Dennis._ I know that--I saw you at his funeral.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ You're a monster!
+
+_Dennis._ Am I?--Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ You'll be the death of me; you know you will.
+
+_Dennis._ Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a
+small morsel of consolation.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Consolation indeed!
+
+_Dennis._ Yes--There's a customer coming.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Brightening._] What!
+
+_Dennis._ A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath,
+yonder. Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into
+a fish basket.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I
+knew how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it
+was all by my advice you took the Red Cow.
+
+_Dennis._ Och ho! it was, was it?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I
+hav'n't prophesied a customer to-day for nothing.
+ [_Goes into the House._
+
+_Dennis._ Troth, and it's prophesying on the sure side, to foretell
+a thing when it has happen'd.
+
+ _Enter DAN, conducting PEREGRINE--PEREGRINE carrying a small
+ Trunk under his Arm._
+
+_Pereg._ I am indifferent about accommodations.
+
+_Dan._ Our'n be a comfortable parlour, zur: you'll find it clean:
+for I wash'd un down mysen, wringing wet, five minutes ago.
+
+_Pereg._ You have told me so, twenty times.
+
+_Dan._ This be the Red Cow, zur, as you may see by the pictur; and
+here be measter--he'll treat ye in a hospital manner, zur, and show
+you a deal o' contention.
+
+_Dennis._ I'll be bound, sir, you'll get good entertainment, whether
+you are a man or a horse.
+
+_Pereg._ You may lodge me as either, friend. I can sleep as well in
+a stable as a bedchamber; for travel has season'd me.--Since I have
+preserved this [_Half aside, and pointing to the Trunk under his
+Arm_], I can lay my head upon it with tranquility, and repose any
+where.
+
+_Dennis._ 'Faith, it seems a mighty decent, hard bolster. What is it
+stuff'd with, I wonder?
+
+_Pereg._ That which keeps the miser awake--money.
+
+_Dan._ Wauns! all that money!
+
+_Dennis._ I'd be proud, sir, to know your upholsterer--he should
+make me a feather bed gratis of the same pretty materials. If that
+was all my own, I'd sleep like a pig, though I'm married to Mrs.
+Brulgruddery.
+
+_Pereg._ I shall sleep better, because it is not my own.
+
+_Dennis._ Your own's in a snugger place, then? safe from the sharks
+of this dirty world, and be hang'd to 'em!
+
+_Pereg._ Except the purse in my pocket, 'tis, now, I fancy, in a
+place most frequented by the sharks of this world.
+
+_Dennis._ London, I suppose?
+
+_Pereg._ The bottom of the sea.
+
+_Dennis._ By my soul, that's a watering place--and you'll find
+sharks there, sure enough in all conscience.
+
+ _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ What would you chuse to take, sir, after your walk this
+raw morning? We have any thing you desire.
+
+_Dennis._ Yes, we have any thing. Any thing's nothing, they say.
+ [_Aside._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Dan, bustle about; and see the room ready, and all
+tidy; do you hear?
+
+_Dan._ I wull.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ What would you like to drink, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ O, mine is an accommodating palate, hostess. I have
+swallowed burgundy with the French, hollands with the Dutch, sherbet
+with a Turk, sloe juice with an Englishman, and water with a simple
+Gentoo.
+
+_Dan._ [_Going._] Dang me, but he's a rum customer! It's my opinion,
+he'll take a fancy to our sour beer. [_Exit into the House_
+
+_Pereg._ Is your house far from the sea-shore?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ About three miles, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ So!--And I have wandered upon the heath four hours, before
+day-break.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Lackaday! has any thing happened to you, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ Shipwreck--that's all.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Mercy on us! cast away?
+
+_Pereg._ On your coast, here.
+
+_Dennis._ Then, compliment apart, sir, you take a ducking as if you
+had been used to it.
+
+_Pereg._ Life's a lottery, friend; and man should make up his mind
+to the blanks. On what part of Cornwall am I thrown?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ We are two miles from Penzance, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Ha!--from Penzance!--that's lucky!
+
+_Mrs. Brul_ [_Aside to DENNIS._] Lucky!--Then he'll go on, without
+drinking at our house.
+
+_Dennis._ A hem!--Sir, there has been a great big thunder storm at
+Penzance, and all the beer in the town's as thick as mustard.
+
+_Pereg._ I feel chill'd--get me a glass of brandy.
+
+_Dennis._ Och, the devil! [_Aside._] Bring the brandy bottle for the
+jontleman, my jewel. [_Aloud to his Wife._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart._] Dont you know you've emptied it, you sot,
+you!
+
+_Dennis._ [_Apart._] Draw a mug of beer--I'll palaver him.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart, and going._] Ah! if you would but follow my
+advice! [_Exit into the House._
+
+_Dennis._ You see that woman that's gone sir,--she's my wife, poor
+soul! She has but one misfortune, and that's a wapper.
+
+_Pereg._ What's that?
+
+_Dennis._ We had as a neat a big bottle of brandy, a week ago--and
+damn the drop's left. But I say nothing--she's my wife, poor
+creature! and she can tell who drank it. Would'nt you like a sup of
+sour--I mean, of our strong beer?
+
+_Pereg._ Pshaw! no matter what. Tell me, is a person of the name of
+Thornberry still living in Penzance?
+
+_Dennis._ Is it one Mr. Thornberry you are asking after?
+
+_Pereg._ Yes. When I first saw him (indeed, it was the first time
+and the last), he had just begun to adventure humbly in trade. His
+stock was very slender, but his neighbours accounted him a kindly
+man--and I know they spoke the truth. Thirty years ago, after half
+an hour's intercourse, which proved to me his benevolent nature, I
+squeezed his hand, and parted.
+
+_Dennis._ Thirty years! 'Faith, after half an hour's dish of talk,
+that's a reasonable long time to remember!
+
+_Pereg._ Not at all; for he did me a genuine service; and gratitude
+writes the records in the heart, that, till it ceases to beat, they
+may live in the memory.
+
+ _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY, with a Mug of Beer._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart to DENNIS._] What have you said about the
+brandy bottle?
+
+_Dennis._ [_Apart._] I told him you broke it, one day.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Apart._] Ah! I am always the shelter for your sins.
+
+_Dennis._ Hush!--[_To PERG._] You know, sir, I--hem!--I mention'd to
+you poor Mrs. Brulgruddery's misfortune.
+
+_Pereg._ Ha, ha! you did indeed, friend.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I am very sorry, sir, but--
+
+_Dennis._ Be asy, my lambkin! the jontleman excuses it. You are not
+the first that has crack'd a bottle, you know.--Here's your beer,
+sir. [_Taking it from his Wife._] I'm not of a blushing nation, or
+I'd be shame-faced to give it him.--[_Aside._] My jewel, the
+jontleman was asking after one Mr. Thornberry.
+ [_Delaying to give the Beer._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ What! old Job Thornberry of Penzance, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ The very same. You know him, then?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Very well, by hearsay, sir. He has lived there upwards
+of thirty years. A very thriving man now, and well to do in the
+world;--as others might be, too, if they would but follow my advice.
+ [_To DENNIS._
+
+_Pereg._ I rejoice to hear it. Give me the beer, Landlord; I'll
+drink his health in humble malt, then hasten to visit him.
+
+_Dennis. [Aside._] By St. Patrick, then, you'll make wry faces on
+the road. [_Gives him the mug._
+
+ [_As PEREGRINE is about to drink, a Shriek
+ is heard at a small Distance._
+
+_Pereg._ Ha! the voice of a female in distress? Then 'tis a man's
+business to fly to her protection.
+ [_Dashes the Mug on the Ground. Exit._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Wheugh! what a whirligigg! Why, Dennis, the man's mad!
+
+_Dennis._ I think that thing.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ He has thrown down all the beer, before he tasted a
+drop.
+
+_Dennis._ That's it: if he had chuck'd it away afterwards, I
+shou'dn't have wonder'd.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Here he comes again;--and, I declare, with a young
+woman leaning on his shoulder.
+
+_Dennis._ A young woman! let me have a bit of a peep. [_Looking
+out._] Och, the crater! Och, the--
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Heyday! I should'n't have thought of your peeping after
+a young woman, indeed!
+
+_Dennis._ Be asy, Mrs. Brulgruddery! it's a way we have in
+Ireland.--There's a face!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Well, and hav'n't I a face, pray?
+
+_Dennis._ That you have, my lambkin! You have had one these fifty
+years, I'll bound for you.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Fifty years! you are the greatest brute that ever dug
+potatoes.
+
+ _Re-enter PEREGRINE, supporting MARY._
+
+_Pereg._ This way. Cheer your spirits; the ruffian with whom I saw
+you struggling, has fled across the Heath; but his speed prevented
+my saving your property. Was your money, too, in the parcel with
+your clothes?
+
+_Mary._ All I possessed in the world, sir;--and he has so
+frighten'd me!--Indeed. I thank you, sir; indeed I do!
+
+_Pereg._ Come, come, compose yourself. Whither are you going, pretty
+one?
+
+_Mary._ I must not tell, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Then whither do you come from?
+
+_Mary._ No body must know, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Umph! Then your proceedings, child, are a secret?
+
+_Mary._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Yet you appear to need a friend to direct them. A heath is
+a rare place to find one: in the absence of a better, confide in me.
+
+_Mary._ You forget that you are a stranger, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ I always do--when the defenceless want my assistance.
+
+_Mary._ But, perhaps you might betray me, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Never--by the honour of a man!
+
+_Mary._ Pray don't swear by that, sir! for, then, you'll betray me,
+I'm certain.
+
+_Pereg._ Have you ever suffered from treachery, then, poor
+innocence?
+
+_Mary._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ And may not one of your own sex have been treacherous to
+you?
+
+_Mary._ No, sir; I'm very sure he was a man.
+
+_Dennis._ Oh, the blackguard!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Hold your tongue, do!
+
+_Pereg._ Listen to me, child. I would proffer you friendship, for
+your own sake--for the sake of benevolence. When ages, indeed, are
+nearly equal, nature is prone to breathe so warmly on the blossoms
+of a friendship between the sexes, that the fruit is desire; but
+time, fair one, is scattering snow on my temples, while Hebe waves
+her freshest ringlets over yours. Rely, then, on one who has
+numbered years sufficient to correct his passions; who has
+encountered difficulties enough to teach him sympathy; and who would
+stretch forth his hand to a wandering female, and shelter her like a
+father.
+
+_Mary._ Oh, sir! I do want protection sadly indeed! I am very
+miserable! [_Weeping._
+
+_Pereg._ Come, do not droop. The cause of your distress, perhaps, is
+trifling; but, light gales of adversity will make women weep. A
+woman's tear falls like the dew that zephyrs shake from roses.--Nay,
+confide in me.
+
+_Mary._ I will, sir; but---- [_Looking round._
+
+_Pereg._ Leave us a little, honest friends.
+
+_Dennis._ A hem!--Come, Mrs. Brulgruddery! let you and I pair off,
+my lambkin!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Going._] Ah! she's no better than she should be, I'll
+warrant her.
+
+_Dennis._ By the powers, she's well enough though, for all that.
+ [_Exeunt DENNIS and MRS. BRUL. into the House._
+
+_Pereg._ Now, sweet one, your name?
+
+_Mary._ Mary, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ What else?
+
+_Mary._ Don't ask me that, sir: my poor father might be sorry it was
+mentioned, now.
+
+_Pereg._ Have you quitted your father, then?
+
+_Mary._ I left his house at day-break, this morning, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ What is he?
+
+_Mary._ A tradesman in the neighbouring town, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Is he aware of your departure?
+
+_Mary._ No, sir,
+
+_Pereg._ And your mother--?
+
+_Mary._ I was very little, when she died, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Has your father, since her death, treated you with cruelty?
+
+_Mary._ He? Oh, bless him! no! he is the kindest father that ever
+breathed, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ How must such a father be agonized by the loss of his
+child!
+
+_Mary._ Pray, sir, don't talk of that!
+
+_Pereg._ Why did you fly from him?
+
+_Mary._ Sir, I----I----but that's my story, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ Relate it, then.
+
+_Mary._ Yes, sir.--You must know, then, sir, that--there was a young
+gentleman in this neighbourhood, that--O dear, sir, I'm quite
+ashamed!
+
+_Pereg._ Come, child, I will relieve you from the embarrassment of
+narration, and sum up your history in one word;--love.
+
+_Mary._ That's the beginning of it, sir; but a great deal happen'd
+afterwards.
+
+_Pereg._ And who is the hero of your story, my poor girl?
+
+_Mary._ The hero of----? O, I understand--he is much above me in
+fortune, sir. To be sure, I should have thought of that, before he
+got such power over my heart, to make me so wretched, now he has
+deserted me.
+
+_Pereg._ He would have thought of that, had his own heart been
+generous.
+
+_Mary._ He is reckon'd very generous, sir; he can afford to be so.
+When the old gentleman dies, he will have all the great family
+estate. I am going to the house, now, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ For what purpose?
+
+_Mary._ To try if I can see him for the last time, sir: to tell him
+I shall always pray for his happiness, when I am far away from a
+place which he has made it misery for me to abide in;--and to beg
+him to give me a little supply of money, now I am pennyless, and
+from home, to help me to London; where I may get into service, and
+nobody will know me.
+
+_Pereg._ And what are his reasons, child, for thus deserting you?
+
+_Mary._ He sent me his reasons, by letter, yesterday, sir. He is to
+be married next week, to a lady of high fortune. His father, he
+says, insists upon it. I know I am born below him; but after the
+oaths we plighted, Heaven knows, the news was a sad, sad shock to
+me! I did not close my eyes last night; my poor brain was burning;
+and, as soon as day broke, I left the house of my dear father, whom
+I should tremble to look at, when he discover'd my story;--which I
+could not long conceal from him.
+
+_Pereg._ Poor, lovely, heart-bruised wanderer! O wealthy despoilers
+of humble innocence! splendid murderers of virtue; who make your
+vice your boast, and fancy female ruin a feather in your caps of
+vanity--single out a victim you have abandoned, and, in your hours
+of death, contemplate her!--view her, care-worn, friendless,
+pennyless;--hear her tale of sorrows, fraught with her remorse,--her
+want,--a hard world's scoffs, her parents' anguish;--then, if ye
+dare, look inward upon your own bosoms; and if they be not
+conscience proof what must be your compunctions!--Who is his father,
+child?
+
+_Mary._ Sir Simon Rochdale, sir, of the Manor-house, hard by.
+
+_Pereg._ [_Surprised._] Indeed!
+
+_Mary._ Perhaps you know him, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ I have heard of him;--and, on your account, shall visit
+him.
+
+_Mary._ Oh, pray, sir, take care what you do! if you should bring
+his son into trouble, by mentioning me, I should never, never
+forgive myself.
+
+_Pereg._ Trust to my caution.--Promise only to remain at this house,
+till I return from a business which calls me, immediately, two miles
+hence; I will hurry back to pursue measures for your welfare, with
+more hope of success, than your own weak means, poor simplicity,
+are likely to effect. What say you?
+
+_Mary._ I hardly know what to say, sir--you seem good,--and I am
+little able to help myself.
+
+_Pereg._ You consent, then?
+
+_Mary._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ [_Calling._] Landlord!
+
+ _Enter DENNIS, from the Door of the House--MRS.
+ BRULGRUDDERY following._
+
+_Dennis._ Did you call, sir?--Arrah, now, Mrs. Brulgruddery, you are
+peeping after the young woman yourself.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I chuse it.
+
+_Pereg._ Prepare your room, good folks; and get the best
+accommodation you can for this young person.
+
+_Dennis._ That I will, with all my heart and soul, sir.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Sulkily._] I don't know that we have any room at all,
+for my part.
+
+_Dennis._ Whew! She's in her tantrums.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ People of repute can't let in young women (found upon a
+heath, forsooth), without knowing who's who. I have learn'd the ways
+of the world, sir.
+
+_Pereg._ So it seems:--which too often teach you to over-rate the
+little good you can do in it: and to shut the door when the
+distressed entreat you to throw it open. But I have learnt the ways
+of the world too. [_Taking out his Purse._] I shall return in a few
+hours. Provide all the comforts you can; and here are a couple of
+guineas, to send for any refreshments you have not in the house.
+ [_Giving Money._
+
+_Dennis._ Mighty pretty handsel for the Red Cow, my lambkin!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ A couple of guineas! Lord, sir! if I thought you had
+been such a gentleman!--Pray, miss, walk in! your poor dear, little
+feet must be quite wet with our nasty roads. I beg pardon, sir; but
+character's every thing in our business; and I never lose sight of
+my own credit.
+
+_Dennis._ That you don't--till you see other people's ready money.
+
+_Pereg._ Go in, child. I shall soon be with you again.
+
+_Mary._ You _will_ return, then, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ Speedily. Rely on me.
+
+_Mary._ I shall, sir;--I am sure I may. Heaven bless you, sir!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ This way, miss; this way! [_Courtesying._
+ [_Exeunt MARY and LANDLADY, into the House._
+
+_Dennis._ Long life to your honour, for protecting the petticoats!
+sweet creatures! I'd like to protect them myself, by bushels.
+
+_Pereg._ Can you get me a guide, friend, to conduct me to Penzance?
+
+_Dennis._ Get you a guide! There's Dan, my servant, shall skip
+before you over the bogs, like a grasshopper. Oh, by the powers! my
+heart's full to see your generosity, and I owe you a favour in
+return:--never you call for any of my beer, till I get a fresh tap.
+ [_Exit into the House._
+
+_Pereg._ Now for my friend, Thornberry; then hither again, to
+interest myself in the cause of this unfortunate: for which many
+would call me Quixote; many would cant out "shame!" but I care not
+for the stoics, nor the puritans. Genuine nature and unsophisticated
+morality, that turn disgusted from the rooted adepts in vice, have
+ever a reclaiming tear to shed on the children of error. Then, let
+the sterner virtues, that allow no plea for human frailty, stalk on
+to paradise without me! The mild associate of my journey thither
+shall be charity:--and my pilgrimage to the shrine of mercy will
+not, I trust, be worse performed for having aided the weak, on my
+way, who have stumbled in their progress.
+
+ _Enter DAN, from the House._
+
+_Dan._ I be ready, zur.
+
+_Pereg._ For what, friend?
+
+_Dan._ Measter says you be a-going to Penzance; if you be agreeable,
+I'll keep you company.
+
+_Pereg._ Oh--the guide. You belong to the house?
+
+_Dan._ Ees, zur; Ise enow to do: I be head waiter and hostler:--only
+we never have no horses, nor customers.
+
+_Pereg._ The path I fancy, is difficult to find. Do you never
+deviate?
+
+_Dan._ Na, zur,--I always whistles.
+
+_Pereg._ Come on, friend.--It seems a dreary rout: but how cheerily
+the eye glances over a sterile tract, when the habitation of a
+benefactor, whom we are approaching to requite, lies in the
+perspective! [_Exeunt._
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+ACT THE SECOND.
+
+SCENE I.
+
+
+ _A Library in the House of SIR SIMON ROCHDALE; Books
+ scattered on a Writing Table._
+
+ _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._
+
+_Shuff._ No body up yet? I thought so.
+
+ _Enter SERVANT._
+
+Ah, John, is it you? How d'ye do, John?
+
+_John._ Thank your honour, I----
+
+_Shuff._ Yes, you look so. Sir Simon Rochdale in bed? Mr. Rochdale
+not risen? Well! no matter; I have travelled all night, though, to
+be with them. How are they?
+
+_John._ Sir, they are both----
+
+_Shuff._ I'm glad to hear it. Pay the postboy for me.
+
+_John._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, sir; but when your honour last left
+us----
+
+_Shuff._ Owed you three pound five. I remember: have you down in my
+memorandums--Honourable Tom Shuffleton debtor to---- What's your
+name?
+
+_John._ My christian name, sir, is----
+
+_Shuff._ Muggins--I recollect. Pay the postboy, Muggins. And,
+harkye, take particular care of the chaise: I borrowed it of my
+friend, Bobby Fungus, who sprang up a peer, in the last bundle of
+Barons: if a single knob is knocked out of his new coronets, he'll
+make me a sharper speech than ever he'll produce in parliament. And,
+John!
+
+_John._ Sir!
+
+_Shuff._ What was I going to say?
+
+_John._ Indeed, sir, I can't tell.
+
+_Shuff._ No more can I. 'Tis the fashion to be absent--that's the
+way I forgot your little bill. There, run along. [_Exit JOHN._] I've
+the whirl of Bobby's chaise in my head still. Cursed fatiguing,
+posting all night, through Cornish roads, to obey the summons of
+friendship! Convenient, in some respects, for all that. If all
+loungers, of slender revenues, like mine, could command a constant
+succession of invitations, from men of estates in the country, how
+amazingly it would tend to the thinning of Bond Street! [_Throws
+himself into a Chair near the Writing Table._] Let me see--what has
+Sir Simon been reading?--"Burn's Justice"--true; the old man's
+reckoned the ablest magistrate in the county. he hasn't cut open the
+leaves, I see. "Chesterfield's Letters"--pooh! his system of
+education is extinct: Belcher and the Butcher have superseded it.
+"Clarendon's History of----."
+
+ _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Ah, my dear Tom Shuffleton!
+
+_Shuff._ Baronet! how are you?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Such expedition is kind now! You got my letter at Bath,
+and----
+
+_Shuff._ Saw it was pressing:--here I am. Cut all my engagements for
+you, and came off like a shot.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Thank you: thank you, heartily!
+
+_Shuff._ Left every thing at sixes and sevens.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Gad, I'm sorry if----
+
+_Shuff._ Don't apologize;--nobody does, now. Left all my bills, in
+the place, unpaid.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Bless me! I've made it monstrous inconvenient!
+
+_Shuff._ Not a bit--I give you my honour, I did'nt find it
+inconvenient at all. How is Frank Rochdale?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why, my son is'nt up yet; and before he's stirring, do
+let me talk to you, my dear Tom Shuffleton! I have something near my
+heart, that--
+
+_Shuff._ Don't talk about your heart, Baronet;--feeling's quite out
+of fashion.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Well, then, I'm interested in----
+
+_Shuff._ Aye, stick to that. We make a joke of the heart,
+now-a-days; but when a man mentions his interest, we know he's in
+earnest.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Zounds! I am in earnest. Let me speak, and call my
+motives what you will.
+
+_Shuff._ Speak--but don't be in a passion. We are always cool at the
+clubs: the constant habit of ruining one another, teaches us temper.
+Explain.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Well, I will. You know, my dear Tom, how much I admire
+your proficiency in the New school of breeding;--you are, what I
+call, one of the highest finished fellows of the present day.
+
+_Shuff._ Psha! Baronet; you flatter.
+
+_Sir Simon._ No, I don't; only in extolling the merits of the newest
+fashion'd manners and morals, I am sometimes puzzled, by the plain
+gentlemen, who listen to me, here in the country, most consumedly.
+
+_Shuff._ I don't doubt it.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why, 'twas but t'other morning, I was haranguing old
+Sir Noah Starchington, in my library, and explaining to him the
+shining qualities of a dasher, of the year eighteen hundred and
+three; and what do you think he did?
+
+_Shuff._ Fell asleep.
+
+_Sir Simon._ No; he pull'd down an English dictionary; when (if
+you'll believe me! he found my definition of stylish living, under
+the word "insolvency;" a fighting crop turn'd out a "dock'd bull
+dog;" and modern gallantry, "adultery and seduction."
+
+_Shuff._ Noah Starchington is a damn'd old twaddler.--But the fact
+is, Baronet, we improve. We have voted many qualities to be virtues,
+now, that they never thought of calling virtues formerly. The rising
+generation wants a new dictionary, damnably.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Deplorably, indeed! You can't think, my dear Tom, what
+a scurvy figure you, and the dashing fellows of your kidney, make in
+the old ones. But you have great influence over my son Frank; and
+want you to exert it. You are his intimate--you come here, and pass
+two or three months at a time, you know.
+
+_Shuff._ Yes--this is a pleasant house.
+
+_Sir Simon._ You ride his horses, as if they were your own.
+
+_Shuff._ Yes--he keeps a good stable.
+
+_Sir Simon._ You drink our claret with him, till his head aches.
+
+_Shuff._ Your's is famous claret, Baronet.
+
+_Sir Simon._ You worm out his secrets: you win his money; you----.
+In short, you are----
+
+_Shuff._ His friend, according to the next new dictionary. That's
+what you mean, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Exactly.--But, let me explain. Frank, if he doesn't
+play the fool, and spoil all, is going to be married.
+
+_Shuff._ To how much?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Damn it, now, how like a modern man of the world that
+is! Formerly they would have asked to who.
+
+_Shuff._ We never do, now;--fortune's every thing. We say, "a good
+match," at the west end of the town, as they say "a good man," in
+the city;--the phrase refers merely to money. Is she rich?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Four thousand a-year.
+
+_Shuff._ What a devilish desirable woman! Frank's a happy dog!
+
+_Sir Simon._ He's a miserable puppy. He has no more notion, my dear
+Tom, of a modern "good match," than Eve had of pin money.
+
+_Shuff._ What are his objections to it?
+
+_Sir Simon._ I have smoked him; but he doesn't know that;--a silly,
+sly amour, in another quarter.
+
+_Shuff._ An amour! That's a very unfashionable reason for declining
+matrimony.
+
+_Sir Simon._ You know his romantic flights. The blockhead, I
+believe, is so attach'd, I shou'dn't wonder if he flew off at a
+tangent, and married the girl that has bewitch'd him.
+
+_Shuff._ Who is she?
+
+_Sir Simon._ She--hem!--she lives with her father, in Penzance.
+
+_Shuff._ And who is he?
+
+_Sir Simon._ He----upon my soul I'm asham'd to tell you.
+
+_Shuff._ Don't be asham'd; we never blush at any thing, in the New
+School.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Damn me, my dear Tom, if he isn't a brazier!
+
+_Shuff._ The devil!
+
+_Sir Simon._ A dealer in kitchen candlesticks, coal skuttles,
+coppers, and cauldrons.
+
+_Shuff._ And is the girl pretty?
+
+_Sir Simon._ So they tell me;--a plump little devil, as round as a
+tea kettle.
+
+_Shuff._ I'll be after the brazier's daughter, to-morrow.
+
+_Sir Simon._ But you have weight with him. Talk to him, my dear
+Tom--reason with him; try your power, Tom, do!
+
+_Shuff._ I don't much like plotting with the father against the
+son--that's reversing the New School, Baronet.
+
+_Sir Simon._ But it will serve Frank: it will serve me, who wish to
+serve you. And to prove that I do wish it, I have been keeping
+something in embryo for you, my dear Tom Shuffleton, against your
+arrival.
+
+_Shuff._ For me?
+
+_Sir Simon._ When you were last leaving us, if you recollect, you
+mention'd, in a kind of a way, a--a sort of an intention of a loan,
+of an odd five hundred pounds.
+
+_Shuff._ Did I? I believe I might.--When I intend to raise money, I
+always give my friends the preference.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I told you I was out of cash then, I remember.
+
+_Shuff._ Yes: that's just what I told you, I remember.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I have the sum floating by me, now, and much at your
+service. [_Presenting it._
+
+_Shuff._ Why, as it's lying idle, Baronet, I--I--don't much care if
+I employ it. [_Taking it._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Use your interest with Frank, now.
+
+_Shuff._ Rely on me.--Shall I give you my note?
+
+_Sir Simon._ No, my dear Tom, that's an unnecessary trouble.
+
+_Shuff._ Why that's true--with one who knows me so well as you.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Your verbal promise to pay, is quite as good.
+
+_Shuff._ I'll see if Frank's stirring. [_Going._
+
+_Sir Simon._ And I must talk to my steward. [_Going._
+
+_Shuff._ Baronet!
+
+_Sir Simon._ [_Returning._] Eh?
+
+_Shuff._ Pray, do you employ the phrase, "verbal promise to pay,"
+according to the reading of old dictionaries, or as it's the fashion
+to use it at present.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Oh, damn it, chuse your own reading, and I'm content.
+ [_Exeunt severally._
+
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+
+ _A Dressing Room._
+
+ _FRANK ROCHDALE writing; WILLIAMS attending._
+
+_Frank._ [_Throwing down the Pen._] It don't signify--I cannot
+write. I blot, and tear; and tear, and blot; and----. Come here,
+Williams. Do let me hear you, once more. Why the devil don't you
+come here?
+
+_Williams._ I am here, sir.
+
+_Frank._ Well, well; my good fellow, tell me. You found means to
+deliver her the letter yesterday?
+
+_Williams._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Frank._ And, she read it----and----did you say, she--she was very
+much affected, when she read it?
+
+_Williams._ I told you last night, sir;--she look'd quite death
+struck, as I may say.
+
+_Frank._ [_Much affected._] Did----did she weep, Williams?
+
+_Williams._ No, sir; but I did afterwards--I don't know what ail'd
+me; but, when I got out of the house, into the street, I'll be
+hang'd if I did'nt cry like a child.
+
+_Frank._ You are an honest fellow, Williams. [_A Knock at the Door
+of the Room._] See who is at the door. [_WILLIAMS opens the Door._
+
+ _Enter JOHN._
+
+_Williams._ Well, what's the matter?
+
+_John._ There's a man in the porter's lodge, says he won't go away
+without speaking to Mr. Francis.
+
+_Frank._ See who it is, Williams. Send him to me, if necessary; but
+don't let me be teased, without occasion.
+
+_Williams._ I'll take care, sir. [_Exeunt WILLIAMS and JOHN._
+
+_Frank._ Must I marry this woman, whom my father has chosen for me;
+whom I expect here to-morrow? And must I, then, be told 'tis
+criminal to love my poor, deserted Mary, because our hearts are
+illicitly attach'd? Illicit for the heart? fine phraseology! Nature
+disowns the restriction; I cannot smother her dictates with the
+polity of governments, and fall in, or out of love, as the law
+directs.
+
+ _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY._
+
+Well, friend, who do you come from?
+
+_Dennis._ I come from the Red Cow, sir.
+
+_Frank._ The Red Cow?
+
+_Dennis._ Yes, sir!--upon Muckslush Heath--hard by your honour's
+father's house, here. I'd be proud of your custom, sir, and all the
+good looking family's.
+
+_Frank._ [_Impatiently._] Well, well, your business?
+
+_Dennis._ That's what the porter ax'd me, "Tell me your business,
+honest man," says he--"I'll see you damn'd first, sir," says
+I:--"I'll tell it your betters;--and that's Mr. Francis Rochdale,
+Esquire."
+
+_Frank._ Zounds! then, why don't you tell it? I am Mr. Francis
+Rochdale.--Who the devil sent you here?
+
+_Dennis._ Troth, sir, it was good nature whisper'd me to come to
+your honour: but I believe I've disremembered her directions, for
+damn the bit do you seem acquainted with her.
+
+_Frank._ Well, my good friend, I don't mean to be violent; only be
+so good as to explain your business.
+
+_Dennis._ Oh, with all the pleasure in life.--Give me good words,
+and I'm as aisy as an ould glove: but bite my nose off with mustard,
+and have at you with pepper,--that's my way.--There's a little
+crature at my house;--she's crying her eyes out;--and she won't get
+such another pair at the Red Cow; for I've left nobody with her but
+Mrs. Brulgruddery.
+
+_Frank._ With her? with who? Who are you talking off?
+
+_Dennis._ I'd like to know her name myself, sir;--but I have heard
+but half of it;--and that's Mary.
+
+_Frank._ Mary!--Can it be she?--Wandering on a heath! seeking refuge
+in a wretched hovel!
+
+_Dennis._ A hovel! O fie for shame of yourself, to misbecall a
+genteel tavern! I'd have you to know my parlour is clean sanded once
+a week.
+
+_Frank._ Tell me, directly--what brought her to your house?
+
+_Dennis._ By my soul, it was Adam's own carriage: a ten-toed machine
+the haymakers keep in Ireland.
+
+_Frank._ Damn it, fellow, don't trifle, but tell your story; and, if
+you can, intelligibly.
+
+_Dennis._ Don't be bothering my brains, then, or you'll get it as
+clear as mud. Sure the young crature can't fly away from the Red
+Cow, while I'm explaining to you the rights on't--Didn't she
+promise the gentleman to stay till he came back?
+
+_Frank._ Promised a gentleman!--Who?--who is the gentleman?
+
+_Dennis._ Arrah, now, where did you larn manners? Would you ax a
+customer his birth, parentage, and education? "Heaven bless you,
+sir, you'll come back again?" says she--"That's what I will, before
+you can say, parsnips, my darling," says he.
+
+_Frank._ Damnation! what does this mean?--explain your errand,
+clearly, you scoundrel, or--
+
+_Dennis._ Scoundrel!--Don't be after affronting a housekeeper.
+Havn't I a sign at my door, three pigs, a wife, and a man sarvant?
+
+_Frank._ Well, go on.
+
+_Dennis._ Damn the word more will I tell you.
+
+_Frank._ Why, you infernal----
+
+_Dennis._ Oh, be asy!--see what you get, now, by affronting Mr.
+Dennis Brulgruddery. [_Searching his Pockets._] I'd have talk'd for
+an hour, if you had kept a civil tongue in your head!--but now, you
+may read the letter. [_Giving it._
+
+_Frank._ A letter!--stupid booby!--why didn't you give it to me at
+first?--Yes, it is her hand. [_Opens the Letter._
+
+_Dennis._ Stupid!--If you're so fond of letters, you might larn to
+behave yourself to the postman.
+
+_Frank._ [_Reading and agitated._]--_Not going to upbraid
+you--Couldn't rest at my father's--Trifling assistance_--Oh, Heaven!
+does she then want assistance?--_The gentleman who has befriended
+me_--damnation!--the gentleman!--_Your unhappy Mary._--Scoundrel
+that I am!--what is she suffering!--but who, who is this
+gentleman?--no matter--she is distress'd, heart breaking! and I, who
+have been the cause;--I, who----here----[_Running to a Writing
+Table, and opening a Drawer_] Run--fly--despatch!--
+
+_Dennis._ He's mad!
+
+_Frank._ Say, I will be at your house, myself--remember, positively
+come, or send, in the course of the day.--In the mean time, take
+this, and give it to the person who sent you.
+
+ _Giving a Purse, which he has taken from the Drawer._
+
+_Dennis._ A purse!--'faith, and I'll take it.--Do you know how much
+is in the inside?
+
+_Frank._ Psha! no.--No matter.
+
+_Dennis._ Troth, now, if I'd trusted a great big purse to a
+stranger, they'd have call'd it a bit of a bull:--but let you and I
+count it out between us, [_Pouring the Money on the Table._] for,
+damn him, say I, who would cheat a poor girl in distress, of the
+value of a rap.--One, two, three, &c. [_Counting._
+
+_Frank._ Worthy, honest fellow!
+
+_Dennis._ Eleven, twelve, thirteen--
+
+_Frank._ I'll be the making of your house, my good fellow.
+
+_Dennis._ Damn the Red Cow, sir,--you put me out.--Seventeen,
+eighteen, nineteen.--Nineteen fat yellow boys, and a seven shilling
+piece.--Tell them yourself, sir; then chalk them up over the
+chimney-piece, else you'll forget, you know.
+
+_Frank._ O, friend, when honesty, so palpably natural as yours,
+keeps the account, I care not for my arithmetic.--Fly now,--bid the
+servants give you any refreshment you chuse; then hasten to execute
+your commission.
+
+_Dennis._ Thank your honour!--good luck to you! I'll taste the
+beer;--but, by my soul, if the butler comes the Red Cow over me,
+I'll tell him, I know sweet from sour. _Exit DENNIS._
+
+_Frank._ Let me read her letter once more. [_Reads._
+
+_I am not going to upbraid you; but after I got your letter, I could
+not rest at my father's, where I once knew happiness and
+innocence.--I wish'd to have taken a last leave of you, and to beg a
+trifling assistance;--but the gentleman who has befriended me in my
+wanderings, would not suffer me to do so; yet I could not help
+writing, to tell you, I am quitting this neighbourhood for
+ever!--That you may never know a moment's sorrow, will always be the
+prayer of_
+ _Your unhappy_
+ MARY.
+
+My mind is hell to me! love, sorrow, remorse, and--yes--and
+jealousy, all distract me:--and no counsellor to advise with; no
+friend to whom I may--
+
+ _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._
+
+_Frank._ Tom Shuffleton! you never arrived more apropos in your
+life.
+
+_Shuff._ That's what the women always say to me. I've rumbled on the
+road, all night, Frank. My bones ache, my head's muzzy--and we'll
+drink two bottles of claret a-piece, after dinner, to enliven us.
+
+_Frank._ You seem in spirits, Tom, I think, now.
+
+_Shuff._ Yes;--I have had a windfall--Five hundred pounds.
+
+_Frank._ A legacy?
+
+_Shuff._ No.--The patient survives who was sick of his money. 'Tis a
+loan from a friend.
+
+_Frank._ 'Twould be a pity, then, Tom, if the patient experienced
+improper treatment.
+
+_Shuff._ Why, that's true:--but his case is so rare, that it isn't
+well understood, I believe. Curse me, my dear Frank, if the disease
+of lending is epidemic.
+
+_Frank._ But the disease of trying to borrow, my dear Tom, I am
+afraid, is.
+
+_Shuff._ Very prevalent, indeed, at the west end of the town.
+
+_Frank._ And as dangerous, Tom, as the small-pox. They should
+inoculate for it.
+
+_Shuff._ That wouldn't be a bad scheme; but I took it naturally.
+Psha! damn it, don't shake your head. Mine's but a mere _facon de
+parler_: just as we talk to one another about our coats:--we never
+say, "Who's your tailor?" We always ask, "Who suffers?" Your father
+tells me you are going to be married; I give you joy.
+
+_Frank._ Joy! I have known nothing but torment, and misery, since
+this cursed marriage has been in agitation.
+
+_Shuff._ Umph! Marriage was a weighty affair, formerly; so was a
+family coach;--but domestic duties, now, are like town
+chariots;--they must be made light, to be fashionable.
+
+_Frank._ Oh, do not trifle. By acceding to this match, in obedience
+to my father, I leave to all the pangs of remorse, and disappointed
+love, a helpless, humble girl, and rend the fibres of a generous,
+but too credulous heart, by cancelling like a villain, the oaths
+with which I won it.
+
+_Shuff._ I understand:--A snug thing in the country.--Your wife,
+they tell me, will have four thousand a year.
+
+_Frank._ What has that to do with sentiment?
+
+_Shuff._ I don't know what you may think; but, if a man said to me,
+plump, "Sir, I am very fond of four thousand a year;" I should
+say,--"Sir, I applaud your sentiment very highly."
+
+_Frank._ But how does he act, who offers his hand to one woman, at
+the very moment his heart is engaged to another?
+
+_Shuff._ He offers a great sacrifice.
+
+_Frank._ And where is the reparation to the unfortunate he has
+deserted?
+
+_Shuff._ An annuity.--A great many unfortunates sport a stylish
+carriage, up and down St. James's street, upon such a provision.
+
+_Frank._ An annuity, flowing from the fortune, I suppose, of the
+woman I marry! is that delicate?
+
+_Shuff._ 'Tis convenient. We liquidate debts of play, and usury,
+from the same resources.
+
+_Frank._ And call a crowd of jews and gentlemen gamesters together,
+to be settled with, during the debtor's honeymoon!
+
+_Shuff._ No, damn it, it wouldn't be fair to jumble the jews into
+the same room with our gaming acquaintance.
+
+_Frank._ Why so?
+
+_Shuff._ Because, twenty to one, the first half of the creditors
+would begin dunning the other.
+
+_Frank._ Nay, far once in your life be serious. Read this, which has
+wrung my heart, and repose it, as a secret, in your own.
+ [_Giving the Letter._
+
+_Shuff._ [_Glancing over it._] A pretty, little, crowquill kind of a
+hand.--_"Happiness,--innocence,--trifling assistance--gentleman
+befriended me--unhappy Mary."_--Yes, I see--[_Returning it._]--She
+wants money, but has got a new friend.--The style's neat, but the
+subject isn't original.
+
+_Frank._ Will you serve me at this crisis?
+
+_Shuff._ Certainly.
+
+_Frank._ I wish you to see my poor Mary in the course of the day.
+Will you talk to her?
+
+_Shuff._ O yes--I'll talk to her. Where is she to be seen?
+
+_Frank._ She writes, you see, that she has abruptly left her
+father--and I learn, by the messenger, that she is now in a
+miserable, retired house, on the neighbouring heath.--That mustn't
+deter you from going.
+
+_Shuff._ Me? Oh, dear no--I'm used to it. I don't care how retired
+the house is.
+
+_Frank._ Come down to my father to breakfast. I will tell you
+afterwards all I wish you to execute.--Oh, Tom! this business has
+unhinged me for society. Rigid morality, after all, is the best coat
+of mail for the conscience.
+
+_Shuff._ Our ancestors, who wore mail, admired it amazingly; but to
+mix in the gay world, with their rigid morality, would be as
+singular as stalking into a drawing-room in their armour:--for
+dissipation is now the fashionable habit, with which, like a brown
+coat, a man goes into company, to avoid being stared at. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+
+ _An Apartment in JOB THORNBERRY'S House._
+
+ _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, in a Night Gown, and BUR._
+
+_Bur._ Don't take on so--don't you, now! pray, listen to reason.
+
+_Job._ I won't.
+
+_Bur._ Pray do!
+
+_Job._ I won't. Reason bid me love my child, and help my
+friend:--what's the consequence? my friend has run one way, and
+broke up my trade; my daughter has run another, and broke my----No,
+she shall never have it to say she broke my heart. If I hang myself
+for grief, she shan't know she made me.
+
+_Bur._ Well, but, master--
+
+_Job._ And reason told me to take you into my shop, when the fat
+church wardens starved you at the workhouse,--damn their want of
+feeling for it!--and you were thump'd about, a poor, unoffending,
+ragged-rump'd boy, as you were--I wonder you hav'n't run away from
+me too.
+
+_Bur._ That's the first real unkind word you ever said to me. I've
+sprinkled your shop two-and-twenty years, and never miss'd a
+morning.
+
+_Job._ The bailiffs are below, clearing the goods: you won't have
+the trouble any longer.
+
+_Bur._ Trouble! Lookye, old Job Thornberry--
+
+_Job._ Well! What, you are going to be saucy to me, now I'm ruin'd?
+
+_Bur._ Don't say one cutting thing after another.--You have been as
+noted, all round our town, for being a kind man, as being a blunt
+one.
+
+_Job._ Blunt or sharp, I've been honest. Let them look at my
+ledger--they'll find it right. I began upon a little; I made that
+little great, by industry; I never cringed to a customer, to get him
+into my books, that I might hamper him with an overcharged bill, for
+long credit; I earn'd my fair profits; I paid my fair way; I break
+by the treachery of a friend, and my first dividend will be
+seventeen shillings in the pound. I wish every tradesman in England
+may clap his hand on his heart, and say as much, when he asks a
+creditor to sign his certificate.
+
+_Bur._ 'Twas I kept your ledger, all the time.
+
+_Job._ I know you did.
+
+_Bur._ From the time you took me out of the workhouse.
+
+_Job._ Psha! rot the workhouse!
+
+_Bur._ You never mention'd it to me yourself till to-day.
+
+_Job._ I said it in a hurry.
+
+_Bur._ And I've always remember'd it at leisure. I don't want to
+brag, but I hope I've been found faithful. It's rather hard to tell
+poor John Bur, the workhouse boy, after clothing, feeding, and
+making him your man of trust, for two and twenty years, that you
+wonder he don't run away from you, now you're in trouble.
+
+_Job._ [_Affected._] John--I beg your pardon.
+ [_Stretching out his Hand._
+
+_Bur._ [_Taking his Hand._] Don't say a word more about it.
+
+_Job._ I--
+
+_Bur._ Pray, now, master, don't say any more!--Come, be a man! get
+on your things; and face the bailiffs that are rummaging the goods.
+
+_Job._ I can't, John; I can't. My heart's heavier than all the iron
+and brass in my shop.
+
+_Bur._ Nay, consider what confusion!--pluck up a courage; do, now!
+
+_Job._ Well, I'll try.
+
+_Bur._ Aye, that's right: here's your clothes. [_Taking them from
+the Back of a Chair._] They'll play the devil with all the pots and
+pans, if you aren't by.--Why, I warrant you'll do! Bless you, what
+should ail you?
+
+_Job._ Ail me? do you go and get a daughter, John Bur; then let her
+run away from you, and you'll know what ails me.
+
+_Bur._ Come, here's your coat and waistcoat. [_Going to help him on
+with his Clothes_] This is the waistcoat young mistress work'd with
+her own hands, for your birth-day, five years ago. Come, get into
+it, as quick as you can.
+
+_Job._ [_Throwing it on the Floor violently._] I'd as lieve get into
+my coffin. She'll have me there soon. Psha! rot it! I'm going to
+snivel. Bur, go, and get me another.
+
+_Bur._ Are you sure you won't put it on?
+
+_Job._ No, I won't. [_BUR pauses._] No, I tell you.-- [_Exit BUR._
+
+How proud I was of that waistcoat five years ago!--I little thought
+what would happen now, when I sat in it, at the top of my table,
+with all my neighbours to celebrate the day;--there was Collop on
+one side of me, and his wife on the other; and my daughter Mary sat
+at the farther end;--smiling so sweetly;--like an artful, good for
+nothing----I shou'dn't like to throw away a waistcoat neither.--I
+may as well put it on.--Yes--it would be poor spite not to put it
+on. [_Putting his Arms into it._]--She's breaking my heart; but,
+I'll wear it, I'll wear it. [_Buttoning it as he speaks, and crying
+involuntarily._] It's my child's--She's undutiful,--ungrateful,
+--barbarous,--but she's my child,--and she'll never work me another.
+
+ _Enter BUR._
+
+_Bur._ Here's another waistcoat, but it has laid by so long, I think
+it's damp.
+
+_Job._ I was thinking so myself, Bur; and so----
+
+_Bur._ Eh--what, you've got on the old one? Well, now, I declare,
+I'm glad of that. Here's your coat. [_Putting it on him._]--'Sbobs!
+this waistcoat feels a little damp, about the top of the bosom.
+
+_Job._ [_Confused._] Never mind, Bur, never mind.--A little water
+has dropt on it; but it won't give me cold, I believe.
+ [_A noise without._
+
+_Bur._ Heigh! they are playing up old Harry below! I'll run, and see
+what's the matter. Make haste after me, do, now! [_Exit BUR._
+
+_Job._ I don't care for the bankruptcy now. I can face my creditors,
+like an honest man; and I can crawl to my grave, afterwards, as poor
+as a church-mouse. What does it signify? Job Thornberry has no
+reason now to wish himself worth a groat:--the old ironmonger and
+brazier has nobody to board his money for now! I was only saving for
+my daughter; and she has run away from her doating, foolish
+father,--and struck down my heart--flat--flat.--
+
+ _Enter PEREGRINE._
+
+Well, who are you?
+
+_Pereg._ A friend.
+
+_Job._ Then, I'm sorry to see you. I have just been ruin'd by a
+friend; and never wish to have another friend again, as long as I
+live.--No, nor any ungrateful, undutiful--Poh!--I don't recollect
+your face.
+
+_Pereg._ Climate, and years, have been at work on it. While
+Europeans are scorching under an Indian sun, Time is doubly busy in
+fanning their features with his wings. But, do you remember no trace
+of me?
+
+_Job._ No, I tell you. If you have any thing to say, say it. I have
+something to settle below with my daughter--I mean, with the people
+in the shop;--they are impatient; and the morning has half run away,
+before she knew I should be up--I mean, before I have had time to
+get on my coat and waistcoat, she gave me--I mean--I mean, if you
+have any business, tell it, at once.
+
+_Pereg._ I _will_ tell it at once. You seem agitated. The harpies,
+whom I pass'd in your shop, inform'd me of your sudden misfortune,
+but do not despair yet.
+
+_Job._ Aye, I'm going to be a bankrupt--but that don't signify. Go
+on: it isn't that;--they'll find all fair;--but, go on.
+
+_Pereg._ I will. 'Tis just thirty years ago, since I left England.
+
+_Job._ That's a little after the time I set up in the hardware
+business.
+
+_Pereg._ About that time, a lad of fifteen years entered your shop:
+he had the appearance of a gentleman's son; and told you he had
+heard, by accident, as he was wandering through the streets of
+Penzance, some of your neighbours speak of Job Thornberry's goodness
+to persons in distress.
+
+_Job._ I believe he told a lie there.
+
+_Pereg._ Not in that instance, though he did in another.
+
+_Job._ I remember him. He was a fine, bluff, boy!
+
+_Pereg._ He had lost his parents, he said; and, destitute of
+friends, money, and food, was making his way to the next port, to
+offer himself to any vessel that would take him on board, that he
+might work his way abroad, and seek a livelihood.
+
+_Job._ Yes, yes; he did. I remember it.
+
+_Pereg._ You may remember, too, when the boy had finished his tale
+of distress, you put ten guineas in his hand. They were the first
+earnings of your trade, you told him, and could not be laid out to
+better advantage than in relieving a helpless orphan;--and, giving
+him a letter of recommendation to a sea captain at Falmouth, you
+wished him good spirits, and prosperity. He left you with a promise,
+that, if fortune ever smil'd upon him, you should, one day, hear
+news of Peregrine.
+
+_Job._ Ah, poor fellow! poor Peregrine! he was a pretty boy. I
+should like to hear news of him, I own.
+
+_Pereg._ I am that Peregrine.
+
+_Job._ Eh? what--you are--? No: let me look at you again. Are you
+the pretty boy, that------bless us, how you are alter'd!
+
+_Pereg._ I have endur'd many hardships since I saw you; many turns
+of fortune;--but I deceived you (it was the cunning of a truant lad)
+when I told you I had lost my parents. From a romantic folly, the
+growth of boyish brains, I had fix'd my fancy on being a sailor, and
+had run away from my father.
+
+_Job._ [_With great Emotion._] Run away from your father! If I had
+known that, I'd have horse-whipp'd you, within an inch of your life!
+
+_Pereg._ Had you known it, you had done right, perhaps.
+
+_Job._ Right? Ah! you don't know what it is for a child to run away
+from a father! Rot me, if I wou'dn't have sent you back to him,
+tied, neck and heels, in the basket of the stage coach.
+
+_Pereg._ I have had my compunctions;--have express'd them by letter
+to my father: but I fear my penitence had no effect.
+
+_Job._ Served you right.
+
+_Pereg._ Having no answers from him, he died, I fear, without
+forgiving me. [_Sighing._
+
+_Job._ [_Starting._] What! died! without forgiving his child!--Come,
+that's too much. I cou'dn't have done that, neither.--But, go on: I
+hope you've been prosperous. But you shou'dn't--you shou'dn't have
+quitted your father.
+
+_Pereg._ I acknowledge it;--yet, I have seen prosperity; though I
+traversed many countries, on my outset, in pain and poverty. Chance,
+at length, raised me a friend in India; by whose interest, and my
+own industry, I amass'd considerable wealth, in the Factory at
+Calcutta.
+
+_Job._ And have just landed it, I suppose, in England.
+
+_Pereg._ I landed one hundred pounds, last night, in my purse, as I
+swam from the Indiaman, which was splitting on a rock, half a league
+from the neighbouring shore. As for the rest of my property--bills,
+bonds, cash, jewels--the whole amount of my toil and application,
+are, by this time, I doubt not, gone to the bottom; and Peregrine is
+returned, after thirty years, to pay his debt to you, almost as poor
+as he left you.
+
+_Job._ I won't touch a penny of your hundred pounds--not a penny.
+
+_Pereg._ I do not desire you: I only desire you to take your own.
+
+_Job._ My own?
+
+_Pereg._ Yes; I plunged with this box, last night, into the waves.
+You see, it has your name on it.
+
+_Job._ "Job Thornberry," sure enough. And what's in it?
+
+_Pereg._ The harvest of a kind man's charity!--the produce of your
+bounty to one, whom you thought an orphan. I have traded, these
+twenty years, on ten guineas (which, from the first, I had set apart
+as yours), till they have become ten thousand: take it; it could
+not, I find, come more opportunely. Your honest heart gratified
+itself in administering to my need; and I experience that burst of
+pleasure, a grateful man enjoys, in relieving my reliever.
+ [_Giving him the Box._
+
+_Job._ [_Squeezes PEREGRINE'S Hand, returns the Box, and seems
+almost unable to utter._] Take it again.
+
+_Pereg._ Why do you reject it?
+
+_Job._ I'll tell you, as soon as I'm able. T'other day, I lent a
+friend----Pshaw, rot it! I'm an old fool! [_Wiping his Eyes._]--I
+lent a friend, t'other day, the whole profits of my trade, to save
+him from sinking. He walk'd off with them, and made me a bankrupt.
+Don't you think he is a rascal?
+
+_Pereg._ Decidedly so.
+
+_Job._ And what should I be, if I took all you have saved in the
+world, and left you to shift for yourself?
+
+_Pereg._ But the case is different. This money is, in fact, your
+own. I am inur'd to hardships; better able to bear them, and am
+younger than you. Perhaps, too, I still have prospects of----
+
+_Job._ I won't take it. I'm as thankful to you, as if I left you to
+starve: but I won't take it.
+
+_Pereg._ Remember, too, you have claims upon you, which I have not.
+My guide, as I came hither, said, you had married in my absence:
+'tis true, he told me you were now a widower; but, it seems, you
+have a daughter to provide for.
+
+_Job._ I have no daughter to provide for now!
+
+_Pereg._ Then he misinform'd me.
+
+_Job._ No, he didn't. I had one last night; but she's gone.
+
+_Pereg._ Gone!
+
+_Job._ Yes; gone to sea, for what I know, as you did. Run away from
+a good father, as you did.--This is a morning to remember;--my
+daughter has run out, and the bailiffs have run in;--I shan't soon
+forget the day of the month.
+
+_Pereg._ This morning, did you say?
+
+_Job._ Aye, before day-break;--a hard-hearted, base----
+
+_Pereg._ And could she leave you, during the derangement of your
+affairs?
+
+_Job._ She did'nt know what was going to happen, poor soul! I wish
+she had now. I don't think my Mary would have left her old father in
+the midst of his misfortunes.
+
+_Pereg._ [_Aside._] Mary! it must be she! What is the amount of the
+demands upon you?
+
+_Job._ Six thousand. But I don't mind that: the goods can nearly
+cover it--let 'em take 'em--damn the gridirons and warming-pans!--I
+could begin again--but, now, my Mary's gone, I hav'n't the heart;
+but I shall hit upon something.
+
+_Pereg._ Let me make a proposal to you, my old friend. Permit me to
+settle with the officers, and to clear all demands upon you. Make it
+a debt, if you please. I will have a hold, if it must be so, on your
+future profits in trade; but do this, and I promise to restore your
+daughter to you.
+
+_Job._ What? bring back my child! Do you know where she is? Is she
+safe? Is she far off? Is----
+
+_Pereg._ Will you receive the money?
+
+_Job._ Yes, yes; on those terms--on those conditions. But where is
+Mary?
+
+_Pereg._ Patience. I must not tell you yet; but, in four-and-twenty
+hours, I pledge myself to bring her back to you.
+
+_Job._ What, here? to her father's house? and safe? Oh, 'sbud! when
+I see her safe, what a thundering passion I'll be in with her! But
+you are not deceiving me? You know, the first time you came into my
+shop, what a bouncer you told me, when you were a boy.
+
+_Pereg._ Believe me, I would not trifle with you now. Come, come
+down to your shop, that we may rid it of its present visitants.
+
+_Job._ I believe you dropt from the clouds, all on a sudden, to
+comfort an old, broken-hearted brazier.
+
+_Pereg._ I rejoice, my honest friend, that I arrived at so critical
+a juncture; and, if the hand of Providence be in it, 'tis because
+Heaven ordains, that benevolent actions, like yours, sooner or
+later, must ever meet their recompense. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+ACT THE THIRD.
+
+SCENE I.
+
+
+ _SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S Library._
+
+ _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and the EARL OF FITZ BALAAM._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Believe me, my lord, the man I wish'd most to meet in
+my library this morning, was the Earl of Fitz Balaam.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ Thank you, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Your arrival, a day before your promise, gives us such
+convenient leisure to talk over the arrangements, relative to the
+marriage of Lady Caroline Braymore, your lordship's daughter, with
+my son.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ True, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Then, while Lady Caroline is at her toilet, we'll dash
+into business at once; for I know your lordship is a man of few
+words. They tell me, my lord, you have sat in the Upper House, and
+said nothing but aye and no, there, for these thirty years.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ I spoke, for more than a minute, in the year of the
+influenza.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Bless me! the epidemic, perhaps, raging among the
+members, at the moment.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ Yes;--they cough'd so loud, I left off in the middle.
+
+_Sir Simon._ And you never attempted again.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ I hate to talk much, Sir Simon;--'tis my way; though
+several don't like it.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I do. I consider it as a mark of your lordship's
+discretion. The less you say, my lord, in my mind, the wiser you
+are; and I have often thought it a pity, that some noble orators
+hav'n't follow'd your lordship's example.--But, here are the
+writings. [_Sitting down with LORD FITZ BALAAM, and taking them
+from the Table._] We must wave ceremony now, my lord; for all this
+pile of parchment is built on the independent four thousand a year
+of your daughter, Lady Caroline, on one hand, and your lordship's
+incumbrances, on the other.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ I have saddles on my property, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir. Simon._ Which saddles, your lordship's property being
+uncommonly small, look something like sixteen stone upon a poney.
+The Fitz Balaam estate, for an earl, is deplorably narrow.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ Yet, it has given security for a large debt.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Large, indeed! I can't think how you have contriv'd it.
+'Tis the Archbishop of Brobdignag, squeez'd into Tom Thumb's
+pantaloons.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ Mine is the oldest estate in England, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ If we may judge of age by decay, my lord, it must be
+very ancient, indeed!--But this goes to something in the shape of
+supplies. [_Untying the Papers._] "Covenant between Augustus Julius
+Braymore, Earl of Fitz Balaam, of Cullender Castle, in the county of
+Cumberland, and Simon Rochdale, Baronet, of Hollyhock House, in the
+county of Cornwall."----By the by, my lord, considering what an
+expense attends that castle, which is at your own disposal, and
+that, if the auctioneer don't soon knock it down, the weather will,
+I wonder what has prevented your lordship's bringing it to the
+hammer.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ The dignity of my ancestors. I have blood in my family,
+Sir Simon---- [_Proudly._
+
+_Sir Simon._ A deal of excellent blood, my lord; but from the butler
+down to the house-dog, curse me if ever I saw so little flesh in a
+family before--But by this covenant----
+
+_Lord Fitz._ You clear off the largest mortgage.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Right;--for which purpose, on the day of the young
+folks' marriage----
+
+_Lord Fitz._ You must pay me forty thousand pounds.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Right, again. Your lordship says little; but 'tis
+terribly plump to the point, indeed, my lord. Here is the
+covenant;--and, now, will your lordship look over the marriage
+articles?
+
+_Lord Fitz._ My attorney will be here to-morrow, Sir Simon. I prefer
+reading by deputy. [_Both rise._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Many people of rank read in the same way, my lord. And
+your lordship will receive the forty thousand pounds, I am to pay
+you, by deputy also, I suppose.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ I seldom swear, Sir Simon; but, damn me if I will.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I believe you are right. Yet there are but two reasons
+for not trusting an attorney with your money:--one is, when you
+don't know him very well; and the other is, when you do.--And now,
+since the marriage is concluded, as I may say, in the families, may
+I take the liberty to ask, my lord, what sort of a wife my son
+Frank may expect in Lady Caroline? Frank is rather of a grave,
+domestic turn: Lady Caroline, it seems, has passed the three last
+winters in London. Did her ladyship enter into _all_ the spirit of
+the first circles?
+
+_Lord Fitz._ She was as gay as a lark, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Was she like the lark in her hours, my lord?
+
+_Lord Fitz._ A great deal more like the owl, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I thought so. Frank's mornings in London will begin
+where her ladyship's nights finish. But his case won't be very
+singular. Many couples make the marriage bed a kind of cold
+matrimonial well; and the two family buckets dip into it
+alternately.
+
+ _Enter LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._
+
+_Lady Car._ Do I interrupt business?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Not in the least. Pray, Lady Caroline, come in. His
+lordship and I have just concluded.
+
+_Lord Fitz._ And I must go and walk my three miles, this morning.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Must you, my lord?
+
+_Lord Fitz._ My physician prescribed it, when I told him I was apt
+to be dull, after dinner.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I would attend your lordship;--but since Lady Caroline
+favours me with--
+
+_Lady Car._ No, no--don't mind me. I assure you, I had much rather
+you would go.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Had you?--hum!--but the petticoats have their new
+school of good breeding, too, they tell me. [_Aside._] Well, we are
+gone--we have been glancing over the writings, Lady Caroline, that
+form the basis of my son's happiness:--though his lordship isn't
+much inclined to read.
+
+_Lady Car._ But I am.--I came here to study very deeply, before
+dinner.
+
+_Sir Simon._ What, would your ladyship, then, wish to--
+ [_Showing the Writings._
+
+_Lady Car._ To read that? My dear Sir Simon! all that Hebrew, upon
+parchment as thick as a board!--I came to see if you had any of the
+last novels in your book room.
+
+_Sir Simon._ The last novels!--most of the female new school are
+ghost bitten, they tell me. [_Aside._] There's Fielding's Works; and
+you'll find Tom Jones, you know.
+
+_Lady Car._ Psha! that's such a hack!
+
+_Sir Simon._ A hack, Lady Caroline, that the knowing ones have
+warranted sound.
+
+_Lady Car._ But what do you think of those that have had such a run
+lately?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why, I think most of them have run too much, and want
+firing.
+ [_Exeunt SIR SIMON, and LORD FITZ BALAAM._
+
+_Lady Car._ I shall die of ennui, in this moping manor house!--Shall
+I read to-day?--no, I'll walk.--No, I'll----Yes, I'll read first,
+and walk afterwards. [_Rings the Bell, and takes a
+Book._]--Pope.--Come, as there are no novels, this may be tolerable.
+This is the most triste house I ever saw! [_Sits down and reads._
+
+ "In these deep solitudes, and awful cells,
+ Where heavenly-pensive--"
+
+ _Enter ROBERT._
+
+
+_Rob._ Did you ring, my lady?
+
+_Lady Car._ ----"Contemplation dwells--" Sir? Oh, yes;--I should
+like to walk. Is it damp under foot, sir?--"And ever musing--"
+
+_Rob._ There has been a good deal of rain to-day my lady.
+
+_Lady Car._ "Melancholy reigns--"
+
+_Rob._ My lady--
+
+_Lady Car._ Pray, sir, look out, and bring me word if it is clean
+or dirty.
+
+_Rob._ Yes, my lady. [_Exit._
+
+_Lady Car._ This settling a marriage is a strange business!--"What
+means this tumult in a vestal's veins?--"
+
+_Shuff._ [_Without._] Bid the groom lead the horse into the avenue,
+and I'll come to him.
+
+_Lady Car._ Company in the house?--some Cornish squire, I suppose.
+ [_Resumes her reading._
+
+ _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON, speaking while entering, JOHN
+ following._
+
+_Lady Car._ [_Still reading, and seated with her Back to
+SHUFFLETON._]----"Soon as thy letters, trembling, I unclose----"
+
+_John._ What horse will you have saddled, sir?
+
+_Shuff._ Slyboots. [_Exit JOHN._
+
+_Lady Car._ ----"That well known name awakens all my woes--"
+
+_Shuff._ Lady Caroline Braymore!
+
+_Lady Car._ Mr. Shuffleton! Lard! what can bring you into Cornwall?
+
+_Shuff._ Sympathy:--which has generally brought me near your
+ladyship, in London at least, for these three winters.
+
+_Lady Car._ Psha! but seriously?
+
+_Shuff._ I was summoned by friendship. I am consulted on all
+essential points, in this family;--and Frank Rochdale is going to be
+married.
+
+_Lady Car._ Then, you know to whom?
+
+_Shuff._ No;--not thinking that an essential point, I forgot to ask.
+He kneels at the pedestal of a rich shrine, and I didn't inquire
+about the statue. But, dear Lady Caroline, what has brought you into
+Cornwall?
+
+_Lady Car._ Me? I'm the statue.
+
+_Shuff._ You!
+
+_Lady Car._ Yes; I've walk'd off my pedestal, to be worshipp'd at
+the Land's End.
+
+_Shuff._ You to be married to Frank Rochdale! O, Lady Caroline! what
+then is to become of _me_?
+
+_Lady Car._ Oh, Mr. Shuffleton! not thinking that an essential
+point, I forgot to ask.
+
+_Shuff._ Psha! now you're laughing at me! but upon my soul, I shall
+turn traitor; take advantage of the confidence reposed in me, by my
+friend, and endeavour to supplant him.
+
+_Lady Car._ What do you think the world would call such duplicity of
+conduct?
+
+ _Enter ROBERT._
+
+_Rob._ Very dirty, indeed, my lady. [_Exit._
+
+_Shuff._ That infernal footman has been listening!--I'll kick him
+round his master's park.
+
+_Lady Car._ 'Tis lucky, then, you are booted; for, you hear, he says
+it is very dirty there.
+
+_Shuff._ Was that the meaning of----Pooh!--but, you see, the--the
+surprise--the--the agitation has made me ridiculous.
+
+_Lady Car._ I see something has made you ridiculous; but you never
+told me what it was before.
+
+_Shuff._ Lady Caroline; this is a crisis, that--my attentions,--that
+is, the----In short, the world, you know, my dear Lady Caroline, has
+given me to you.
+
+_Lady Car._ Why, what a shabby world it is!
+
+_Shuff._ How so?
+
+_Lady Car._ To make me a present of something, it sets no value on
+itself.
+
+_Shuff._ I flattered myself I might not be altogether invaluable to
+your ladyship.
+
+_Lady Car._ To me! Now, I can't conceive any use I could make of
+you. No, positively, you are neither useful nor ornamental.
+
+_Shuff._ Yet, you were never at an opera, without me at your
+elbow;--never in Kensington Gardens, that my horse--the crop, by
+the bye, given me by Lord Collarbone,--wasn't constantly in leading
+at the gate:--hav'n't you danc'd with me at every ball?--And hav'nt
+I, unkind, forgetful, Lady Caroline, even cut the Newmarket
+meetings, when you were in London?
+
+_Lady Car._ Bless me!--these charges are brought in like a bill. "To
+attending your ladyship at such a time; to dancing down twenty
+couple with your ladyship, at another,"--and, pray, to what do they
+all amount?
+
+_Shuff._ The fullest declaration.
+
+_Lady Car._ Lard, Mr. Shuffleton! why, it has, to be sure, looked
+a--a--a little foolish--but you--you never spoke any thing
+to----that is--to justify such a----
+
+_Shuff._ That's as much as to say, speak now. [_Aside._]--To be
+plain, Lady Caroline, my friend does not know your value. He has an
+excellent heart--but that heart is--[_Coughs._] damn the word, it's
+so out of fashion, it chokes me! [_Aside._] is irrevocably given to
+another.--But mine--by this sweet hand, I swear----
+ [_Kneeling and kissing her Hand._
+
+ _Enter JOHN._
+
+Well, sir?-- [_Rising hastily._
+
+_John._ Slyboots, sir, has been down on his knees;--and the groom
+says he can't go out.
+
+_Shuff._ Let him saddle another.
+
+_John._ What horse, sir, will you----
+
+_Shuff._ Psha!--any.--What do you call Mr. Rochdale's favourite,
+now.
+
+_John._ Traitor, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ When Traitor's in the avenue, I shall be there.
+ [_Exit JOHN._
+
+_Lady Car._ Answer me one question, candidly, and, perhaps, I may
+entrust you with a secret.--Is Mr. Rochdale seriously attached?
+
+_Shuff._ Very seriously.
+
+_Lady Car._ Then I won't marry him.
+
+_Shuff._ That's spirited.--Now, your secret.
+
+_Lady Car._ Why--perhaps you may have heard, that my father, Lord
+Fitz Balaam, is, somehow, so--so much in debt, that--but, no matter.
+
+_Shuff._ Oh, not at all;--the case is fashionable, with both lords
+and commoners.
+
+_Lady Car._ But an old maiden aunt, whom, rest her soul! I never
+saw, for family pride's sake, bequeathed me an independence. To
+obviate his lordship's difficulties, I mean to--to marry into this
+humdrum Cornish family.
+
+_Shuff._ I see--a sacrifice!--filial piety, and all that--to
+disembarrass his lordship. But hadn't your ladyship better--
+
+_Lady Car._ Marry to disembarrass you?
+
+_Shuff._ By my honour, I'm disinterested.
+
+_Lady Car._ By my honour, I'm monstrously piqued--and so vex'd, that
+I can't read this morning,--nor talk,--nor----I'll walk.
+
+_Shuff._ Shall I attend you?
+
+_Lady Car._ No;--don't fidget at my elbow, as you do at the opera.
+But you shall tell me more of this by and by.
+
+_Shuff._ When?--Where? [_Taking her Hand._
+
+_Lady Car._ Don't torment me.--This evening, or--to-morrow,
+perhaps;--in the park,--or----psha! we shall meet at dinner.--Do,
+let me go now, for I shall be very bad company.
+
+_Shuff._ [_Kissing her Hand._] Adieu, Lady Caroline!--
+
+_Lady Car._ Adieu! [_Exit._
+
+_Shuff._ My friend Frank, here, I think, is very much obliged to
+me!--I am putting matters pretty well _en train_ to disencumber him
+of a wife;--and now I'll canter over the heath, and see what I can
+do for him with the brazier's daughter. [_Exit._
+
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+
+ _A mean Parlour at the Red Cow._
+
+ _A Table--Pen, Ink, and Paper on it.--Chairs._
+
+ _MARY and MRS. BRULGRUDDERY discovered._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Aye, he might have been there, and back, over and over
+again;--but my husband's slow enough in his motions, as I tell him,
+till I'm tir'd on't.
+
+_Mary._ I hope he'll be here soon.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Ods, my little heart! Miss, why so impatient? Hav'n't
+you as genteel a parlour as any lady in the land could wish to sit
+down in?--The bed's turn'd up in a chest of drawers that's stain'd
+to look like mahogany:--there's two poets, and a poll parrot, the
+best images the jew had on his head, over the mantlepiece; and was I
+to leave you all alone by yourself, isn't there an eight day clock
+in the corner, that when one's waiting, lonesome like, for any body,
+keeps going tick-tack, and is quite company?
+
+_Mary._ Indeed, I did not mean to complain.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Complain?--No, I think not, indeed!--When, besides
+having a handsome house over your head, the strange gentleman has
+left two guineas--though one seems light, and t'other looks a little
+brummish--to be laid out for you, as I see occasion. I don't say it
+for the lucre of any thing I'm to make out of the money, but, I'm
+sure you can't want to eat yet.
+
+_Mary._ Not if it gives any trouble;--but I was up before sunrise,
+and have tasted nothing to-day.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Eh! why, bless me, young woman! ar'n't you well?
+
+_Mary._ I feel very faint.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Aye, this is a faintish time o'year; but I must give
+you a little something, I suppose:--I'll open the window, and give
+you a little air. [_DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY, singing, without._
+
+ _They handed the whiskey about,_
+ _'Till it smoked thro' the jaws of the piper;_
+ _The bride got a fine copper snout,_
+ _And the clergyman's pimples grew riper._
+ _Whack doodlety bob,_
+ _Sing pip._
+
+_Mary._ There's your husband!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ There's a hog;--for he's as drunk as one, I know, by
+his beastly bawling.
+
+ _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY, singing._
+
+ _Whack doodlety bob,_
+ _Sing pip._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ "Sing pip," indeed! sing sot! and that's to your old
+tune.
+
+_Mary._ Hav'n't you got an answer?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Hav'n't you got drunk?
+
+_Dennis._ Be aisy, and you'll see what I've got in a minute.
+ [_Pulls a Bottle from his Pocket._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ What's that?
+
+_Dennis._ Good Madeira, it was, when the butler at the big house
+gave it me. It jolts so over the heath, if I hadn't held it to my
+mouth, I'd have wasted half. [_Puts it on the Table._]--There, Miss,
+I brought it for you; and I'll get a glass from the cupboard, and a
+plate for this paper of sweet cakes, that the gentlefolks eat, after
+dinner in the desert.
+
+_Mary._ But, tell me if--
+
+_Dennis._ [_Running to the Cupboard._] Eat and drink, my jewel; and
+my discourse shall serve for the seasoning. Drink now, my pretty
+one! [_Fills a Glass._] for you have had nothing, I'll be
+bound.--Och, by the powers! I know the ways of ould mother
+Brulgruddery.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Old mother Brulgruddery!
+
+_Dennis._ Don't mind her;--take your prog;--she'd starve a saint.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I starve a saint!
+
+_Dennis._ Let him stop at the Red Cow, as plump as a porker, and
+you'd send him away, in a week, like a weasel.--Bite maccaroony, my
+darling! [_Offering the Plate to MARY._
+
+_Mary._ I thank you.
+
+_Dennis._ 'Faith, no merit of mine; 'twas the butler that stole
+it:--take some. [_Lets the Plate fall._] Slips by St. Patrick!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Screaming._] Our best china plate broke all to
+shivers!
+
+_Dennis._ Delf, you deceiver; delf. The cat's dining dish, rivetted.
+
+_Mary._ Pray now, let me hear your news.
+
+_Dennis._ That I will.--Mrs. Brulgruddery, I take the small liberty
+of begging you to get out, my lambkin.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I shan't budge an inch. She needn't be asham'd of any
+thing that's to be told, if she's what she should be.
+
+_Mary._ I know what I should be, if I were in your place.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Marry come up! And what should you be then?
+
+_Mary._ More compassionate to one of my own sex, or to any one in
+misfortune. Had you come to me, almost broken hearted, and not
+looking like one quite abandoned to wickedness, I should have
+thought on your misery, and forgot that it might have been brought
+on by your faults.
+
+_Dennis._ At her, my little crature! By my soul, she'll bother the
+ould one!--'Faith, the Madeira has done her a deal of service!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ What's to be said, is said before _me_; and that's
+flat.
+
+_Mary._ Do tell it, then, [_To DENNIS._] but, for others' sakes,
+don't mention names. I wish to hide nothing now, on my own account;
+though the money that was put down for me, before you would afford
+me shelter, I thought might have given me a little more title to
+hear a private message.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I've a character, for virtue, to lose, young woman.
+
+_Dennis._ When that's gone, you'll get another--that's of a damn'd
+impertinent landlady. Sure, she has a right to her parlour; and
+hav'n't I brought her cash enough to swallow up the Red Cow's rent
+for these two years?
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Have you!--Well, though the young lady misunderstands
+me, it's always my endeavour to be respectful to gentlefolks.
+
+_Dennis._ Och, botheration to the respect that's bought, by knocking
+one shilling against another, at an inn! Let the heart keep open
+house, I say; and if charity is not seated inside of it, like a
+beautiful barmaid, it's all a humbug to stick up the sign of the
+christian.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I'm sure Miss shall have any thing she likes, poor dear
+thing! There's one chicken--
+
+_Dennis._ A chicken!--Fie on your double barbarity! Would you murder
+the tough dunghill cock, to choke a customer?--A certain person,
+that shall be nameless, will come to you in the course of this day,
+either by himself, or by friend, or by handwriting.
+
+_Mary._ And not one word--not one, by letter, now?
+
+_Dennis._ Be asey--won't he be here soon? In the mean time, here's
+nineteen guineas, and a seven shilling piece, as a bit of a
+postscript.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Nineteen guineas and----
+
+_Dennis._ Hold your gab, woman.--Count them, darling!--
+ [_Putting them on the Table--MARY counts the Money._
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ [_Drawing DENNIS aside._] What have you done with the
+rest?
+
+_Dennis._ The rest!
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ Why, have you given her all?
+
+_Dennis._ I'll tell you what, Mrs. Brulgruddery; it's my notion, in
+summing up your last accounts, that, when you begin to dot, ould
+Nick will carry one; and that's yourself, my lambkin.
+
+_Shuff._ [_Without._] Holo? Red Cow!
+
+_Dennis._ You are call'd, Mrs. Brulgruddery.
+
+_Mrs. Brul._ I, you Irish bear!--Go, and [_Looking towards the
+window._]--Jimminy! a traveller on horseback! and the handsomest
+gentleman I ever saw in my life. [_Runs out._
+
+_Mary._ Oh, then it must be he!
+
+_Dennis._ No, 'faith, it isn't the young squire.
+
+_Mary._ [_Mournfully._] No!
+
+_Dennis._ There--he's got off the outside of his horse: it's that
+flashy spark I saw crossing the court yard, at the big house.--Here
+he is.
+
+ _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON._
+
+_Shuff._ [_Looking at MARY._] Devilish good-looking girl, upon my
+soul! [_Sees DENNIS._] Who's that fellow?
+
+_Dennis._ Welcome to Muckslush Heath, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ Pray, sir, have you any business, here?
+
+_Dennis._ Very little this last week, your honour.
+
+_Shuff._ O, the landlord. Leave the room.
+
+_Dennis._ [_Aside._] Manners! but he's my customer. If he don't
+behave himself to the young cratur, I'll bounce in, and thump him
+blue. [_Exit._
+
+_Shuff._ [_Looking at MARY._] Shy, but stylish--much elegance, and
+no brass: the most extraordinary article that ever belonged to a
+brazier.--[_Addressing her._] Don't be alarmed, my dear. Perhaps you
+didn't expect a stranger?
+
+_Mary._ No, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ But you expected somebody, I believe, didn't you?
+
+_Mary._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ I come from him: here are my credentials. Read that, my
+dear little girl, and you'll see how far I am authorized.
+ [_Gives her a Letter._
+
+_Mary._ 'Tis his hand. [_Kissing the Superscription._
+
+_Shuff._ [_As she is opening the Letter._] Fine blue eyes, faith,
+and very like my Fanny's. Yes, I see how it will end;--she'll be the
+fifteenth Mrs. Shuffleton.
+
+_Mary._ [Reading.] _When the conflicts of my mind have subsided, and
+opportunity will permit, I will write to you fully. My friend is
+instructed from me to make every arrangement for your welfare. With
+heartfelt grief I add, family circumstances have torn me from you
+for ever!----_
+ [_Drops the Letter, and is falling, SHUFFLETON
+ supports her._
+
+_Shuff._ Ha! damn it, this looks like earnest! They do it very
+differently in London.
+
+_Mary._ [_Recovering._] I beg pardon, sir--I expected this; but
+I----I---- [_Bursts into Tears._
+
+_Shuff._ [_Aside._] O, come, we are getting into the old train;
+after the shower, it will clear.--My dear girl, don't flurry
+yourself;--these are things of course, you know. To be sure, you
+must feel a little resentment at first, but----
+
+_Mary._ Resentment! When I am never, never to see him again!
+Morning and night, my voice will be raised to Heaven, in anguish,
+for his prosperity!--And tell him,--pray, sir, tell him, I think the
+many, many bitter tears I shall shed, will atone for my faults; then
+you know, as it isn't himself, but his station, that sunders us, if
+news should reach him that I have died, it can't bring any trouble
+to his conscience.
+
+_Shuff._ Mr. Rochdale, my love, you'll find will be very handsome.
+
+_Mary._ I always found him so, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ He has sent you a hundred pound bank note [_Giving it to
+her._] till matters can be arranged, just to set you a-going.
+
+_Mary._ I was going, sir, out of this country, for ever. Sure he
+couldn't think it necessary to send me this, for fear I should
+trouble him!
+
+_Shuff._ Pshaw! my love, you mistake: the intention is to give you a
+settlement.
+
+_Mary._ I intended to get one for myself, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ Did you?
+
+_Mary._ Yes, sir, in London. I shall take a place in the coach
+to-morrow morning; and I hope the people of the inn where it puts
+up, at the end of the journey, will have the charity to recommend me
+to an honest service.
+
+_Shuff._ Service? Nonsense! You----you must think differently. I'll
+put you into a situation in town.
+
+_Mary._ Will you be so humane, sir?
+
+_Shuff._ Should you like Marybone parish, my love?
+
+_Mary._ All parishes are the same to me, now I must quit my own,
+sir.
+
+_Shuff._ I'll write a line for you, to a lady in that quarter,
+and--Oh, here's pen and ink. [_Writes, and talks as he is writing._]
+I shall be in London myself, in about ten days, and then I'll visit
+you, to see how you go on.
+
+_Mary._ O sir! you are, indeed a friend!
+
+_Shuff._ I mean to be your friend, my love. There, [_Giving her the
+Letter._] Mrs. Brown, Howland-Street; an old acquaintance of mine; a
+very goodnatured, discreet, elderly lady, I assure you.
+
+_Mary._ You are very good, sir, but I shall be ashamed to look such
+a discreet person in the face, if she hears my story.
+
+_Shuff._ No, you needn't;--she has a large stock of charity for the
+indiscretions of others, believe me.
+
+_Mary._ I don't know how to thank you, sir. The unfortunate must
+look up to such a lady, sure, as a mother.
+
+_Shuff._ She has acquired that appellation.----You'll be very
+comfortable;--and, when I arrive in town, I'll--
+
+ _Enter PEREGRINE._
+
+Who have we here?--Oh!--ha!--ha!--This must be the gentleman she
+mentioned to Frank in her letter.--rather an ancient ami. [_Aside._
+
+_Pereg._ So! I suspected this might be the case. [_Aside._] You are
+Mr. Rochdale, I presume sir?
+
+_Shuff._ Yes, sir, you do presume;--but I am not Mr. Rochdale.
+
+_Pereg._ I beg your pardon, sir, for mistaking you for so bad a
+person.
+
+_Shuff._ Mr. Rochdale, sir, is my intimate friend. If you mean to
+recommend yourself in this quarter, [_Pointing to Mary._] good
+breeding will suggest to you, that it mustn't be done by abusing
+him, before me.
+
+_Pereg._ I have not acquired that sort of good breeding, sir, which
+isn't founded on good sense;--and when I call the betrayer of female
+innocence a bad character, the term, I think, is too true to be
+abusive.
+
+_Shuff._ 'Tis a pity, then, you hav'n't been taught a little better,
+what is due to polished society.
+
+_Pereg._ I am always willing to improve.
+
+_Shuff._ I hope, sir, you won't urge me to become your instructor.
+
+_Pereg._ You are unequal to the task: if you quarrel with me in the
+cause of a seducer, you are unfit to teach me the duties of a
+citizen.
+
+_Shuff._ You may make, sir, a very good citizen; but, curse me, if
+you'll do for the west end of the town.
+
+_Pereg._ I make no distinctions in the ends of towns, sir:--the ends
+of integrity are always uniform: and 'tis only where those ends are
+most promoted, that the inhabitants of a town, let them live east or
+west, most preponderate in rational estimation.
+
+_Shuff._ Pray, sir, are you a methodist preacher, in want of a
+congregation?
+
+_Pereg._ Perhaps I'm a quack doctor, in want of a Jack
+Pudding.--Will you engage with me?
+
+_Shuff._ Damn me if this is to be borne.--Sir, the correction I must
+give you, will--
+
+_Pereg._ [_With Coolness._] Desist, young man, in time, or you may
+repent your petulance.
+
+_Mary._ [_Coming between them._] Oh, gentlemen! pray, pray don't--I
+am so frightened! Indeed, sir, you mistake. [_To PEREGRINE._] This
+gentleman has been so good to me! [_Pointing to SHUFFLETON._
+
+_Pereg._ Prove it, child, and I shall honour him.
+
+_Mary._ Indeed, indeed he has.--Pray, pray don't quarrel! when two
+such generous people meet, it would be a sad pity. See, sir, [_To
+PEREGRINE._] he has recommended me to a place in London;--here's the
+letter to the good lady, an elderly lady, in Marybone parish! and so
+kind, sir, every body, that knows her, calls her mother.
+
+_Pereg._ [_Looking at the superscription._] Infamous! sit down, and
+compose yourself, my love;--the gentleman and I shall soon come to
+an understanding. One word, sir: [_Mary sits at the back of the
+Scene, the Men advance._] I have lived long in India;--but the
+flies, who gad thither, buzz in our ears, till we learn what they
+have blown upon in England. I have heard of the wretch, in whose
+house you meant to place that unfortunate.
+
+_Shuff._ Well! and you meant to place her in snugger lodgings, I
+suppose?
+
+_Pereg._ I mean to place her where----
+
+_Shuff._ No, my dear fellow, you don't;----unless you answer it to
+me.
+
+_Pereg._ I understand you.--In an hour, then, I shall be at the
+Manor-house, whence I suppose, you come. Here we are both unarmed;
+and there is one waiting at the door, who, perhaps, might interrupt
+us.
+
+_Shuff._ Who is he?
+
+_Pereg._ Her father;--her agonized father;----to whose entreaties I
+have yielded; and brought him here, prematurely.--He is a
+tradesman;--beneath your notice:--a vulgar brazier;--but he has some
+sort of feeling for his child! whom, now your friend has lured her
+to the precipice of despair, you would hurry down the gulf of
+infamy.--For your own convenience, sir, I would advise you to avoid
+him.
+
+_Shuff._ Your advice, now, begins to be a little sensible; and if
+you turn out a gentleman, though I suspect you to be one of the
+brazier's company, I shall talk to you at Sir Simon's. [_Exit._
+
+_Mary._ Is the gentleman gone, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ Let him go, child; and be thankful that you have escaped
+from a villain.
+
+_Mary._ A villain, sir!
+
+_Pereg._ The basest; for nothing can be baser than manly strength,
+in the specious form of protection, injuring an unhappy woman. When
+we should be props to the lily in the storm, 'tis damnable to spring
+up like vigorous weeds, and twine about the drooping flower, till
+we destroy it.
+
+_Mary._ Then, where are friends to be found, sir? He seemed honest;
+so do you; but, perhaps, you may be as bad.
+
+_Pereg._ Do not trust me. I have brought you a friend, child, in
+whom, Nature tells us, we ever should confide.
+
+_Mary._ What, here, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ Yes;--when he hurts you, he must wound himself;--and so
+suspicious is the human heart become, from the treachery of society,
+that it wants that security. I will send him to you. [_Exit._
+
+_Mary._ Who can he mean? I know nobody but Mr. Rochdale, that, I
+think, would come to me. For my poor dear father, when he knows all
+my crime, will abandon me, as I deserve.
+
+ _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, at the Door PEREGRINE has gone out at._
+
+_Job._ Mary! [_MARY shrieks and falls, her Father runs to her._] My
+dear Mary!--Speak to me!
+
+_Mary._ [_Recovering._] Don't look kindly on me, my dear father!
+Leave me; I left you:--but I was almost mad.
+
+_Job._ I'll never leave you, till I drop down dead by your side. How
+could you run away from me, Mary? [_She shrieks._] Come, come, kiss
+me, and we'll talk of that another time.
+
+_Mary._ You hav'n't heard half the story, or I'm sure you'd never
+forgive me.
+
+_Job._ Never mind the story now, Mary;--'tis a true story that
+you're my child, and that's enough for the present. I hear you have
+met with a rascal. I hav'n't been told who, yet. Some folks don't
+always forgive; braziers do. Kiss me again, and we'll talk on't by
+and by. But, why would you run away, Mary?
+
+_Mary._ I could'nt stay and be deceitful; and it has often cut me
+to the heart, to see you show me that affection, which I knew I
+didn't deserve.
+
+_Job._ Ah! you jade! I ought to be angry; but I can't. Look
+here--don't you remember this waistcoat? you worked it for me, you
+know.
+
+_Mary._ I know I did. [_Kissing him._
+
+_Job._ I had a hard struggle to put it on, this morning; but I
+squeezed myself into it, a few hours after you ran away.--If I could
+do that, you might have told me the worst, without much fear of my
+anger. How have they behaved to you, Mary?
+
+_Mary._ The landlord is very humane, but the landlady------
+
+_Job._ Cruel to you? I'll blow her up like gunpowder in a copper. We
+must stay here to-night;--for there's Peregrine, that king of good
+fellows, we must stay here till he comes back, from a little way
+off, he says.
+
+_Mary._ He that brought you here?
+
+_Job._ Ay, he. I don't know what he intends--but I trust all to
+him;--and when he returns, we'll have such a merry-making! Hollo!
+house! Oh, damn it, I'll be good to the landlord; but I'll play hell
+with his wife! Come with me, and let us call about us a bit.
+Hollo!--house! Come, Mary! odsbobs, I'm so happy to have you again!
+House!--Come, Mary, [_Exeunt._
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+ACT THE FOURTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+
+ _The Outside of the Red Cow._
+
+ _DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY before the Door._
+
+_Dennis._ I've stretched my neck half a yard longer, looking out
+after that rapscallion, Dan. Och! and is it yourself I see, at last?
+There he comes, in a snail's trot, with a basket behind him, like a
+stage coach.
+
+ _Enter DAN, with a Basket at his Back._
+
+Dan, you devil! aren't you a beast of a waiter?
+
+_Dan._ What for?
+
+_Dennis._ To stay out so, the first day of company.
+
+_Dan._ Come, that be a good un! I ha' waited for the company a week,
+and I defy you to say I ever left the house till they comed.
+
+_Dennis._ Well, and that's true. Pacify me with a good reason, and
+you'll find me a dutiful master. Arrah, Dan, what's that hump grown
+out at your back, on the road?
+
+_Dan._ Plenty o' meat and drink. I ha'n't had such a hump o' late,
+at my stomach. [_Puts the Basket on the Ground._
+
+_Dennis._ And who harnessed you, Dan, with all that kitchen stuff?
+
+_Dan._ He as ware rack'd, and took I wi' un to Penzance, for a
+companion. He order'd I, as I said things were a little famish'd
+like, here, to buy this for the young woman, and the old man he ha'
+brought back wi' un.
+
+_Dennis._ Then you have been gabbling your ill looking stories
+about my larder, you stone eater!
+
+_Dan._ Larder! I told un you had three live pigs as ware dying.
+
+_Dennis._ Oh fie! Think you, won't any master discharge a man
+sarvant that shames him? Thank your luck, I can't blush. But is the
+old fellow, our customer has brought, his intimate friend, he never
+saw but once, thirty years ago?
+
+_Dan._ Ees; that be old Job Thornberry, the brazier; and, as sure as
+you stand there, when we got to his shop, they were going to make
+him a banker.
+
+_Dennis._ A banker! I never saw one made. How do they do it?
+
+_Dan._ Why, the bum baileys do come into his house, and claw away
+all his goods and furniture.
+
+_Dennis._ By the powers, but that's one way of setting a man going
+in business!
+
+_Dan._ When we got into the shop, there they were, as grum as
+thunder.--You ha' seen a bum bailey?
+
+_Dennis._ I'm not curious that way. I might have seen one, once or
+twice; but I was walking mighty fast, and had no time to look behind
+me.
+
+_Dan._ My companion--our customer--he went up stairs, and I bided
+below;--and then they began a knocking about the goods and
+chapels.--That ware no business o' mine.
+
+_Dennis._ Sure it was not.
+
+_Dan._ Na, for sartin; so I ax'd 'em what they were a doing;--and
+they told I, wi' a broad grin, taking an invention of the
+misfortunate man's defects.
+
+_Dennis._ Choke their grinning! The law of the land's a good doctor;
+but, bad luck to those that gorge upon such a fine physician's poor
+patients! Sure, we know, now and then, it's mighty wholesome to
+bleed; but nobody falls in love with the leech.
+
+_Dan._ They comed down stairs--our customer and the brazier; and
+the head baily he began a bullocking at the old man, in my mind,
+just as one christian shou'dn't do to another. I had nothing to do
+wi' that.
+
+_Dennis._ Damn the bit.
+
+_Dan._ No, nothing at all; and so my blood began to rise. He made
+the poor old man almost fit to cry.
+
+_Dennis._ That wasn't your concern, you know.
+
+_Dan._ Bless you, mun! 'twould ha' look'd busy like, in me, to say a
+word; so I took up a warming pan, and I bang'd bum bailey, wi' the
+broad end on't, 'till he fell o' the floor as fat as twopence.
+
+_Dennis._ Oh, hubaboo! lodge in my heart, and I'll never ax you for
+rent--you're a friend in need. Remember, I've a warmingpan--you know
+where it hangs, and that's enough.
+
+_Dan._ They had like to ha' warm'd I, finely, I do know. I ware nigh
+being haul'd to prison; 'cause, as well as I could make out their
+cant, it do seem I had rescued myself, and broke a statue.
+
+_Dennis._ Och, the Philistines!
+
+_Dan._ But our traveller--I do think he be the devil--he settled all
+in a jiffy; for he paid the old man's debts, and the bailey's broken
+head ware chuck'd into the bargain.
+
+_Dennis._ And what did he pay?
+
+_Dan._ Guess now.
+
+_Dennis._ A hundred pounds?
+
+_Dan._ Six thousand, by gum!
+
+_Dennis._ What! on the nail?
+
+_Dan._ Na; on the counter.
+
+_Dennis._ Whew!--six thousand pou----! Oh, by the powers, this man
+must be the philosopher's stone! Dan----
+
+_Dan._ Hush! here he be.
+
+ _Enter PEREGRINE, from the House._
+
+_Per._ [_To DAN._] So, friend, you have brought provision, I
+perceive.
+
+_Dan._ Ees, sir;--three boil'd fowls, three roast, two chicken
+pies, and a capon.
+
+_Per._ You have considered abundance, more than variety. And the
+wine?
+
+_Dan._ A dozen o' capital red port, sir: I ax'd for the newest they
+had i' the cellar.
+
+_Dennis._ [_To himself._] Six thousand pounds upon a counter!
+
+_Per._ [_To DAN._] Carry the hamper in doors; then return to me
+instantly. You must accompany me in another excursion.
+
+_Dan._ What, now?
+
+_Per._ Yes; to Sir Simon Rochdale's. You are not tired, my honest
+fellow?
+
+_Dan._ Na, not a walking wi' you;--but, dang me, when you die, if
+all the shoemakers shouldn't go into mourning.
+ [_DAN takes the Hamper into the House._
+
+_Dennis._ [_Ruminating._] Six thousand pounds! by St. Patrick, it's
+a sum!
+
+_Per._ How many miles from here to the Manor house?
+
+_Dennis._ Six thousand!
+
+_Per._ Six thousand!--yards you mean, I suppose, friend.
+
+_Dennis._ Sir!--Eh? Yes, sir, I--I mean yards--all upon a counter!
+
+_Per._ Six thousand yards upon a counter! Mine host, here, seems a
+little bewildered;--but he has been anxious, I find, for poor Mary,
+and 'tis national in him to blend eccentricity with kindness. John
+Bull exhibits a plain, undecorated dish of solid benevolence; but
+Pat has a gay garnish of whim around his good nature; and if, now
+and then, 'tis sprinkled in a little confusion, they must have
+vitiated stomachs, who are not pleased with the embellishment.
+
+ _Enter DAN, booted._
+
+_Dan._ Now, sir, you and I'll stump it.
+
+_Per._ Is the way we are to go now, so much worse, that you have
+cased yourself in those boots?
+
+_Dan._ Quite clean--that's why I put 'em on: I should ha' dirted 'em
+in t' other job.
+
+_Per._ Set forward, then.
+
+_Dan._ Na, sir, axing your pardon; I be but the guide, and 'tisn't
+for I to go first.
+
+_Per._ Ha! ha! Then we must march abreast, boy, like lusty soldiers,
+and I shall be side by side with honesty: 'tis the best way of
+travelling through life's journey, and why not over a heath? Come,
+my lad.
+
+_Dan._ Cheek by jowl, by gum! [_Exeunt PEREGRINE and DAN._
+
+_Dennis._ That walking philosopher--perhaps he'll give me a big bag
+of money. Then, to be sure, I won't lay out some of it to make me
+easy for life: for I'll settle a separate maintenance upon ould
+mother Brulgruddery.
+
+ _JOB THORNBERRY peeps out of the Door of the Public House._
+
+_Job._ Landlord!
+
+_Dennis._ Coming, your honour.
+
+_Job._ [_Coming forward._] Hush! don't bawl;--Mary has fallen
+asleep. You have behaved like an emperor to her, she says. Give me
+your hand, landlord.
+
+_Dennis._ Behaved!--Arrah, now, get away with your blarney.
+ [_Refusing his Hand._
+
+_Job._ Well, let it alone. I'm an old fool, perhaps; but, as you
+comforted my poor girl in her trouble, I thought a squeeze from her
+father's hand--as much as to say, "Thank you, for my child."--might
+not have come amiss to you.
+
+_Dennis._ And is it yourself who are that creature's father?
+
+_Job._ Her mother said so, and I always believed her. You have heard
+some'at of what has happen'd, I suppose. It's all over our town, I
+take it, by this time. Scandal is an ugly, trumpeting devil. Let
+'em talk;--a man loses little by parting with a herd of neighbours,
+who are busiest in publishing his family misfortunes; for they are
+just the sort of cattle who would never stir over the threshold to
+prevent 'em.
+
+_Dennis._ Troth, and that's true;--and some will only sarve you,
+because you're convenient to 'em, for the time present; just as my
+customers come to the Red Cow.
+
+_Job._ I'll come to the Red Cow, hail, rain, or shine, to help the
+house, as long as you are Landlord. Though I must say that your
+wife----
+
+_Dennis._ [_Putting his Hand before JOB'S Mouth._] Decency!
+Remember your own honour, and my feelings. I mustn't hear any thing
+bad, you know, of Mrs. Brulgruddery; and you'll say nothing good of
+her, without telling damn'd lies; so be asy.
+
+_Job._ Well, I've done;--but we mustn't be speaking ill of all the
+world, neither: there are always some sound hearts to be found among
+the hollow ones. Now he that is just gone over the heath----
+
+_Dennis._ What, the walking philosopher?
+
+_Job._ I don't know any thing of his philosophy; but, if I live
+these thousand years, I shall never forget his goodness. Then,
+there's another;--I was thinking, just now, if I had tried him, I
+might have found a friend in my need, this morning.
+
+_Dennis._ Who is he?
+
+_Job._ A monstrous good young man; and as modest and affable, as if
+he had been bred up a 'prentice, instead of a gentleman.
+
+_Dennis._ And what's his name?
+
+_Job._ Oh, every body knows him, in this neighbourhood; he lives
+hard by--Mr. Francis Rochdale, the young 'squire, at the
+Manor-house.
+
+_Dennis._ Mr. Francis Rochdale!
+
+_Job._ Yes!--he's as condescending! and took quite a friendship for
+me, and mine. He told me, t'other day, he'd recommend me in trade to
+all the great families twenty miles round;--and said he'd do, I
+don't know what all, for my Mary.
+
+_Dennis._ He did!--Well, 'faith, you may'nt know what; but, by my
+soul, he has kept his word!
+
+_Job._ Kept his word!--What do you mean?
+
+_Dennis._ Harkye--If Scandal is blowing about your little fireside
+accident, 'twas Mr. Francis Rochdale recommended him to your shop,
+to buy his brass trumpet.
+
+_Job._ Eh! What? no!--yes--I see it at once!--young Rochdale's a
+rascal!--Mary! [_Bawling._
+
+_Dennis._ Hush--you'll wake her, you know.
+
+_Job._ I intend it. I'll--a glossy, oily, smooth rascal!--warming me
+in his favour, like an unwholesome February sun! shining upon my
+poor cottage, and drawing forth my child,--my tender blossom,--to
+suffer blight, and mildew!--Mary! I'll go directly to the
+Manor-house--his father's in the commission.--I may'nt find justice,
+but I shall find a justice of peace.
+
+_Dennis._ Fie, now! and can't you listen to reason?
+
+_Job._ Reason!----tell me a reason why a father shouldn't be almost
+mad, when his patron has ruin'd his child.--Damn his
+protection!--tell me a reason why a man of birth's seducing my
+daughter doesn't almost double the rascality? yes, double it: for my
+fine gentleman, at the very time he is laying his plans to make her
+infamous, would think himself disgraced in making her the honest
+reparation she might find from one of her equals.
+
+_Dennis._ Arrah, be asy, now, Mr. Thornberry.
+
+_Job._ And, this spark, forsooth, is now canvassing the
+county!--but, if I don't give him his own at the hustings!--How dare
+a man set himself up for a guardian of his neighbour's rights, who
+has robbed his neighbour of his dearest comforts? How dare a
+seducer come into freeholders' houses, and have the impudence to
+say, send me up to London as your representative? Mary! [_Calling._
+
+_Dennis._ That's all very true.--But if the voters are under
+petticoat government, he has a mighty good chance of his election.
+
+ _Enter MARY._
+
+_Mary._ Did you call, my dear father?
+
+_Job._ Yes, I did call. [_Passionately._
+
+_Dennis._ Don't you frighten that poor young crature!
+
+_Mary._ Oh, dear! what has happened?--You are angry; very angry. I
+hope it isn't with me!--if it is, I have no reason to complain.
+
+_Job._ [_Softened, and folding her in his Arms._] My poor, dear
+child! I forgive you twenty times more, now, than I did before.
+
+_Mary._ Do you, my dear father?
+
+_Job._ Yes; for there's twenty times more excuse for you, when rank
+and education have helped a scoundrel to dazzle you. Come!
+ [_Taking her Hand._
+
+_Mary._ Come! where?
+
+_Job._ [_Impatiently._] To the Manor-house with me, directly.
+
+_Mary._ To the Manor-house! Oh, my dear father, think of what you
+are doing! think of me!
+
+_Job._ Of you!--I think of nothing else. I'll see you righted. Don't
+be terrified, child--damn it, you know I doat on you: but we are all
+equals in the eye of the law; and rot me, if I won't make a
+baronet's son shake in his shoes, for betraying a brazier's
+daughter. Come, love, come! _Exeunt JOB and MARY._
+
+_Dennis._ There'll be a big boderation at the Manor-house! My
+customers are all gone, that I was to entertain:--nobody's left but
+my lambkin, who don't entertain me: Sir Simon's butler gives good
+Madeira:--so, I'm off, after the rest; and the Red Cow and mother
+Brulgruddery may take care of one another. [_Exit._
+
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+
+ _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._
+
+_Frank._ Shuffleton's intelligence astonishes me!--So soon to throw
+herself into the arms of another!----and what could effect, even if
+time for perseverance had favoured him, such a person's success with
+her!
+
+ _Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why, Frank! I thought you were walking with Lady
+Caroline.
+
+_Frank._ No, sir.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Ha! I wish you would learn some of the gallantries of
+the present day from your friend, Tom Shuffleton:--but from being
+careless of coming up to the fashion, damn it, you go beyond it? for
+you neglect a woman three days before marriage, as much as half the
+Tom Shuffletons three months after it.
+
+_Frank._ As by entering into this marriage, sir, I shall perform the
+duties of a son, I hope you will do me the justice to suppose I
+shall not be basely negligent as a husband,
+
+_Sir Simon._ Frank, you're a fool; and----
+
+ _Enter a SERVANT._
+
+Well, sir?
+
+_Serv._ A person, Sir Simon, says he wishes to see you on very
+urgent business.
+
+_Sir Simon._ And I have very urgent business, just now, with my
+steward. Who is the person? How did he come?
+
+_Serv._ On foot, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Oh, let him wait. [_Exit SERVANT._
+
+At all events, I can't see this person for these two hours.--I wish
+you would see him for me.
+
+_Frank._ Certainly, sir,--any thing is refuge to me, now, from the
+subject of matrimony. [_Aside, and going._
+
+_Sir Simon._ But a word before you go. Damn it, my dear lad, why
+can't you perceive I am labouring this marriage for your good? We
+shall ennoble the Rochdales:--for, though my father,--your
+grandfather,--did some service in elections (_that_ made him a
+baronet), amassed property, and bought lands, and so on, yet, your
+great grandfather--Come here----your great grandfather was a miller.
+ [_Half whispering._
+
+_Frank._ [_Smiling._] I shall not respect his memory less, sir, for
+knowing his occupation.
+
+_Sir Simon._ But the world will, you blockhead: and, for your sake,
+for the sake of our posterity, I would cross the cart breed, as much
+as possible, by blood.
+
+_Frank._ Is that of consequence, sir?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Isn't it the common policy? and the necessities of your
+boasters of pedigree produce a thousand intermarriages with people
+of no pedigree at all;--till, at last, we so jumble a genealogy,
+that, if the devil himself would pluck knowledge from the family
+tree, he could hardly find out the original fruit.
+ [_Exeunt severally._
+
+ _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON, from the Park, following LADY CAROLINE
+ BRAYMORE._
+
+_Shuff._ "The time is come for Iphigene to find,
+ "The miracle she wrought upon my mind;"
+
+_Lady Car._ Don't talk to me.
+
+_Shuff._ "For, now, by love, by force she shall be mine,
+ "Or death, if force should fail, shall finish my design."
+
+_Lady Car._ I wish you would finish your nonsense.
+
+_Shuff._ Nonsense:--'tis poetry; somebody told me 'twas written by
+Dryden.
+
+_Lady Car._ Perhaps so;----but all poetry is nonsense.
+
+_Shuff._ Hear me, then, in prose.
+
+_Lady Car._ Psha!--that's worse.
+
+_Shuff._ Then I must express my meaning in pantomime. Shall I ogle
+you?
+
+_Lady Car._ You are a teasing wretch;--I have subjected myself, I
+find, to very ill treatment, in this petty family;--and begin to
+perceive I am a very weak woman.
+
+_Shuff._ [_Aside._] Pretty well for that matter.
+
+_Lady Car._ To find myself absolutely avoided by the gentleman I
+meant to honour with my hand,--so pointedly neglected!----
+
+_Shuff._ I must confess it looks a little like a complete cut.
+
+_Lady Car._ And what you told me of the low attachment that----
+
+_Shuff._ Nay, my dear Lady Caroline, don't say that I told you more
+than----
+
+_Lady Car._ I won't have it denied:--and I'm sure 'tis all true. See
+here--here's an odious parchment Lord Fitz Balaam put into my hand
+in the park.--A marriage license, I think he calls it--but if I
+don't scatter it in a thousand pieces----
+
+_Shuff._ [_Preventing her._] Softly, my dear Lady Caroline; that's a
+license of marriage, you know. The names are inserted of
+course.--Some of them may be rubbed a little in the carriage; but
+they may be filled up at pleasure, you know.----Frank's my
+friend,----and if he has been negligent, I say nothing; but the
+parson of the parish is as blind as a beetle.
+
+_Lady Car._ Now, don't you think, Mr. Shuffleton, I am a very ill
+used person?
+
+_Shuff._ I feel inwardly for you, Lady Caroline; but my friend makes
+the subject delicate. Let us change it. Did you observe the steeple
+upon the hill, at the end of the park pales?
+
+_Lady Car._ Psha?--No.
+
+_Shuff._ It belongs to one of the prettiest little village churches
+you ever saw in your life. Let me show you the inside of the church,
+Lady Caroline.
+
+_Lady Car._ I am almost afraid: for, if I should make a rash vow
+there, what is to become of my Lord Fitz Balaam?
+
+_Shuff._ Oh, that's true; I had forgot his lordship:--but as the
+exigencies of the times demand it, let us hurry the question through
+the Commons, and when it has passed, with such strong independent
+interest on our sides, it will hardly be thrown out by the Peerage.
+ [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+
+ _Another Apartment in SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S House._
+
+ _Enter PEREGRINE._
+
+_Pereg._ Sir Simon does not hurry himself; but 'tis a custom with
+the great, to make the little, and the unknown, dance attendance.
+When I left Cornwall, as a boy, this house, I remember, was tenanted
+by strangers, and the Rochdales inhabited another on the estate,
+seven miles off.--I have lived to see some changes in the family,
+and may live, perhaps, to see more.
+
+ _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._
+
+_Frank._ You expected, I believe, Sir Simon Rochdale, sir;--but he
+will be occupied with particular business, for some time. Can I
+receive your commands, sir?
+
+_Pereg._ Are you Sir Simon Rochdale's son, sir?
+
+_Frank._ I am.
+
+_Pereg._ It was my wish, sir, to have seen your father. I come
+unintroduced, and scurvily enough accoutred; but, as I have urgent
+matters to communicate, and have suffered shipwreck, upon your
+coast, this morning, business will excuse my obtrusion, and the sea
+must apologize for my wardrobe.
+
+_Frank._ Shipwreck! That calamity is a sufficient introduction to
+every roof, I trust, in a civilized country. What can we do
+immediately to serve you?
+
+_Pereg._ Nothing, sir--I am here to perform service, not to require
+it. I come from a wretched hut on the heath, within the ken of this
+affluent mansion, where I have witnessed calamity in the extreme.
+
+_Frank._ I do not understand you.
+
+_Pereg._ Mary!--
+
+_Frank._ Ha.!--Now you _have_ made me understand you. I perceive,
+now, on what object you have presented yourself here, to harangue.
+'Tis a subject on which my own remorse would have taught me to bend
+to a just man's castigation; but the reproof retorts on the
+reprover, when he is known to be a hypocrite. My friend, sir, has
+taught me to know you.
+
+_Pereg._ He, whom I encountered at the house on the heath?
+
+_Frank._ The same.
+
+_Pereg._ And what may he have taught you?
+
+_Frank._ To discover, that your aim is to torture me, for
+relinquishing a beloved object, whom you are, at this moment,
+attaching to yourself;--to know, that a diabolical disposition, for
+which I cannot account, prompts you to come here, without the
+probability of benefiting any party, to injure me, and throw a
+whole family into confusion, on the eve of a marriage. But, in
+tearing myself from the poor, wronged, Mary, I almost tear my very
+heart by its fibres from the seat;----but 'tis a sacrifice to a
+father's repose; and--
+
+_Pereg._ Hold, sir! When you betrayed the poor, wronged, Mary, how
+came you to forget, that every father's repose may be broken for
+ever by his child's conduct?
+
+_Frank._ By my honour! by my soul! it was my intention to have
+placed her far, far above the reach of want; but you, my hollow
+monitor, are frustrating that intention. You, who come here to
+preach virtue, are tempting her to be a confirmed votary of vice,
+whom I in penitence would rescue, as the victim of unguarded
+sensibility.
+
+_Pereg._ Are you, then, jealous of me?
+
+_Frank._ Jealous!
+
+_Pereg._ Aye: if so, I can give you ease. Return with me, to the
+injured innocent on the heath: marry her, and I will give her away.
+
+_Frank._ Marry her! I am bound in honour to another.
+
+_Pereg._ Modern honour is a coercive argument; but when you have
+seduced virtue, whose injuries you will not solidly repair, you must
+be slightly bound in old-fashion'd honesty.
+
+_Frank._ I------I know not what to say to you. Your manner almost
+awes me; and there is a mystery in----
+
+_Pereg._ I am mysterious, sir. I may have other business, perhaps,
+with your father; and, I will tell you, the very fate of your family
+may hang on my conference with him. Come, come, Mr. Rochdale, bring
+me to Sir Simon.
+
+_Frank._ My father cannot be seen yet. Will you, for a short time,
+remain in my apartment?
+
+_Pereg._ Willingly;--and depend on this, sir--I have seen enough of
+the world's weakness, to forgive the casual faults of youthful
+indiscretion;--but I have a detestation for systematic vice; and
+though, as a general censor, my lash may be feeble, circumstances
+have put a scourge in my hand, which may fall heavily on this
+family, should any of its branches force me to wield it.--I attend
+you. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+ACT THE FIFTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+
+ _A Hall in the Manor-house._
+
+ _Voices wrangling without._
+
+_Job._ I will see Sir Simon.
+
+_Simon._ You can't see Sir Simon, &c. &c. &c.
+
+ _Enter JOB THORNBERRY, MARY, and SIMON._
+
+_Job._ Don't tell me;--I come upon justice business.
+
+_Simon._ Sir Simon be a gentleman justice.
+
+_Job._ If the justice allows all his servants to be as saucy as you,
+I can't say much for the gentleman.
+
+_Simon._ But these ben't his hours.
+
+_Job._ Hours for justice! I thought one of the blessings of an
+Englishman, was to find justice at any time.
+
+_Mary._ Pray don't be so----
+
+_Job._ Hold your tongue, child. What _are_ his hours?
+
+_Simon._ Why, from twelve to two.
+
+_Job._ Two hours out of four and twenty! I hope all that belong to
+law, are a little quicker than his worship; if not, when a case
+wants immediate remedy, it's just eleven to one against us. Don't
+you know me?
+
+_Simon._ Na.
+
+_Job._ I'm sure I have seen you in Penzance.
+
+_Simon._ My wife has got a chandler's shop there.
+
+_Job._ Haven't you heard we've a fire engine in the church?
+
+_Simon._ What o' that?
+
+_Job._ Suppose your wife's shop was in flames, and all her bacon and
+farthing candles frying?
+
+_Simon._ And what then?
+
+_Job._ Why then, while the house was burning, you'd run to the
+church for the engine. Shou'dn't you think it plaguy hard if the
+sexton said, "Call for it to-morrow, between twelve and two?"
+
+_Simon._ That be neither here nor there.
+
+_Job._ Isn't it! Then, do you see this stick? [_Menacing._
+
+_Simon._ Pshaw! you be a foolish old fellow.
+
+_Job._ Why, that's true. Every now and then a jack-in-office, like
+you, provokes a man to forget his years. The cudgel is a stout one,
+and som'at like your master's justice;--'tis a good weapon in weak
+hands; and that's the way many a rogue escapes a dressing.--What!
+you are laughing at it?
+
+_Simon._ Ees.
+
+_Job._ Ees! you Cornish baboon, in a laced livery!--Here's something
+to make you grin more--here's half a crown.
+ [_Holding it up between his Finger and Thumb._
+
+_Simon._ Hee! hee!
+
+_Job._ Hee, hee!--Damn your Land'send chops! 'tis to get me to your
+master:--but, before you have it, though he keeps a
+gentleman-justice-shop, I shall make free to ring it on his counter.
+[_Throws it on the Floor._] There! pick it up. [_SIMON picks up the
+money._] I am afraid you are not the first underling that has
+stoop'd to pocket a bribe, before he'd do his duty.--Now, tell the
+gentleman-justice, I want to see him.
+
+_Simon._ I'll try what I can do for you. [_Exit._
+
+_Job._ What makes you tremble so, Mary?
+
+_Mary._ I can't help it:--I wish I could persuade you to go back
+again.
+
+_Job._ I'll stay till the roof falls, but I'll see some of 'em.
+
+_Mary._ Indeed, you don't know how you terrify me. But, if you go to
+Sir Simon, you'll leave me here in the hall;--you won't make me go
+with you, father?
+
+_Job._ Not take you with me.--I'll go with my wrongs in my hand, and
+make him blush for his son.
+
+_Mary._ I hope you'll think better of it.
+
+_Job._ Why?
+
+_Mary._ Because, when you came to talk, I should sink with shame, if
+he said any thing to you that might----that----
+
+_Job._ Might what?
+
+_Mary._ [_Sighing, and hanging down her Head._] Make you blush for
+your daughter.
+
+_Job._ I won't have you waiting, like a petitioner, in this hall,
+when you come to be righted. No, no!
+
+_Mary._ You wouldn't have refused me any thing once;--but I know I
+have lost your esteem, now.
+
+_Job._ Lost!--forgive is forgive, all the world over. You know,
+Mary, I have forgiven you: and, making it up by halves, is making
+myself a brass teakettle--warm one minute, cold the next; smooth
+without, and hollow within.
+
+_Mary._ Then, pray, don't deny me!--I'm sure you wouldn't, if you
+knew half I am suffering.
+
+_Job._ Do as you like, Mary; only never tell me again you have lost
+my esteem. It looks like suspicion o' both sides.--Never say that,
+and I can deny you nothing in reason,--or, perhaps, a little beyond
+it.--
+
+ _Enter SIMON._
+
+Well, will the justice do a man the favour to do his duty? Will he
+see me?
+
+_Simon._ Come into the room next his libery. A stranger, who's with
+young master, ha' been waiting for un, longer nor you; but I'll get
+you in first.
+
+_Job._ I don't know, that that's quite fair to the other.
+
+_Simon._ Ees, it be; for t'other didn't give I half a crown.
+
+_Job._ Then, stay till I come back, Mary.--I see, my man, when you
+take a bribe, you are scrupulous enough to do your work for it; for
+which, I hope, somebody may duck you with one hand, and rub you dry
+with the other. Kindness and honesty, for kindness and honesty's
+sake, is the true coin; but many a one, like you, is content to be a
+passable Birmingham halfpenny. [_Exeunt JOB THORNBERRY and SIMON._
+
+_Mary._ I wished to come to this house in the morning, and now I
+would give the world to be out of it. Hark! here's somebody! Oh,
+mercy on me, 'tis he himself! What will become of me!
+ [_Retires towards the Back of the Scene._
+
+ _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._
+
+_Frank._ My father, then, shall see this visitor, whatever be the
+event. I will prepare him for the interview, and---- [_Sees MARY._]
+Good Heaven! why--why are you here?
+
+_Mary._ [_Advancing to him eagerly._] I don't come willingly to
+trouble you; I don't, indeed!
+
+_Frank._ What motive, Mary, has brought you to this house? and who
+is the stranger under whose protection you have placed yourself, at
+the house on the heath? Surely you cannot love him!
+
+_Mary._ I hope I do.
+
+_Frank._ You hope you do!
+
+_Mary._ Yes; for I think he saved my life this morning, when I was
+struggling with the robber, who threatened to kill me.
+
+_Frank._ And had you taken no guide with you, Mary?--no protector?
+
+_Mary._ I was thinking too much of one, who promised to be my
+protector always, to think of any other.
+
+_Frank._ Mary----I----I----'twas I, then, it seems who brought your
+life into such hazard.
+
+_Mary._ I hope I haven't said any thing to make you unhappy.
+
+_Frank._ Nothing, my dearest Mary, nothing. I know it is not in your
+nature even to whisper a reproof. Yet, I sent a friend, with full
+power from me, to give you the amplest protection.
+
+_Mary._ I know you did:--and he gave me a letter, that I might be
+protected, when I got to London.
+
+_Frank._ Why, then, commit yourself to the care of a stranger?
+
+_Mary._ Because the stranger read the direction of the letter--here
+it is, [_Taking it from her Pocket._] and said your friend was
+treacherous.
+
+_Frank._ [_Looking at the Letter._] Villain!
+
+_Mary._ Did he intend to lead me into a snare then?
+
+_Frank._ Let me keep this letter.--I may have been deceived in the
+person I sent to you, but--damn his rascality! [_Aside._] But, could
+you think me base enough to leave you, unsheltered? I had torn you
+from your home,--with anguish I confess it--but I would have
+provided you another home, which want should not have assailed.
+Would this stranger bring you better comfort?
+
+_Mary._ Oh, yes; he has; he has brought me my father.
+
+_Frank._ Your father!--from whom I made you fly!
+
+_Mary._ Yes; he has brought a father to his child,--that she might
+kiss off the tears her disobedience had forced down his aged cheeks,
+and restored me to the only home, which could give me any comfort,
+now.--And my father is here.
+
+_Frank._ Here!
+
+_Mary._ Indeed, I cou'dn't help his coming; and he made me come with
+him.
+
+_Frank._ I--I am almost glad, Mary, that it has happened.
+
+_Mary._ Are you?
+
+_Frank._ Yes--when a weight of concealment is on the mind, remorse
+is relieved by the very discovery which it has dreaded. But you must
+not be waiting here, Mary. There is one in the house, to whose care
+I will entrust you.
+
+_Mary._ I hope it isn't the person you sent to me to-day.
+
+_Frank._ He! I would sooner cradle infancy with serpents.--Yet this
+is my friend! I will, now, confide in a stranger:--the stranger,
+Mary, who saved your life.
+
+_Mary._ Is he here!
+
+_Frank._ He is:--Oh, Mary, how painful, if, performing the duty of a
+son, I must abandon, at last, the expiation of a penitent! but so
+dependent on each other are the delicate combinations of probity,
+that one broken link perplexes the whole chain, and an abstracted
+virtue becomes a relative iniquity. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+
+ _The Library._
+
+ _SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and his STEWARD, who appears to be
+ quitting the Room. JOB THORNBERRY standing at a little
+ Distance from them._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Remember the money must be ready to-morrow, Mr.
+Pennyman.
+
+_Steward._ It shall, Sir Simon. [_Going._
+
+_Sir Simon._ [_To JOB._] So, friend, your business, you say,
+is--and, Mr. Pennyman, [_STEWARD turns back._] give Robin Ruddy
+notice to quit his cottage, directly.
+
+_Steward._ I am afraid, Sir Simon, if he's turned out, it will be
+his ruin.
+
+_Sir Simon._ He should have recollected that, before he ruin'd his
+neighbour's daughter.
+
+_Job._ [_Starting._] Eh!
+
+_Sir Simon._ What's the matter with the man? His offence is attended
+with great aggravation.--Why doesn't he marry her?
+
+_Job._ Aye! [_Emphatically._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Pray, friend, be quiet.
+
+_Steward._ He says it would make her more unfortunate still; he's
+too necessitous to provide even for the living consequence of his
+indiscretion.
+
+_Sir Simon._ That doubles his crime to the girl.--He must quit. I'm
+a magistrate, you know, Mr. Pennyman, and 'tis my duty to discourage
+all such immorality.
+
+_Steward._ Your orders must be obeyed, Sir Simon. [_Exit STEWARD._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Now, yours is justice-business, you say. You come at an
+irregular time, and I have somebody else waiting for me; so be
+quick. What brings you here?
+
+_Job._ My daughter's seduction, Sir Simon;--and it has done my
+heart good to hear your worship say, 'tis your duty to discourage
+all such immorality.
+
+_Sir Simon._ To be sure it is;--but men, like you, shou'dn't be too
+apt to lay hold of every sentiment justice drops, lest you misapply
+it. 'Tis like an officious footman snatching up his mistress's
+periwig, and clapping it on again, hind part before. What are you?
+
+_Job._ A tradesman, Sir Simon. I have been a freeholder, in this
+district, for many a year.
+
+_Sir Simon._ A freeholder!--Zounds! one of Frank's voters, perhaps,
+and of consequence at his election. [_Aside._] Won't you, my good
+friend, take a chair?
+
+_Job._ Thank you, Sir Simon, I know my proper place. I didn't come
+here to sit down with Sir Simon Rochdale, because I am a freeholder;
+I come to demand my right, because you are a justice.
+
+_Sir Simon._ A man of respectability, a tradesman, and a freeholder,
+in such a serious case as yours, had better have recourse to a court
+of law.
+
+_Job._ I am not rich, now, Sir Simon, whatever I may have been.
+
+_Sir Simon._ A magistrate, honest, friend, can't give you
+damages:--you must fee counsel.
+
+_Job._ I can't afford an expensive lawsuit, Sir Simon:--and, begging
+your pardon, I think the law never intended that an injured man, in
+middling circumstances, should either go without redress, or starve
+himself to obtain it.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Whatever advice I can give you, you shall have it for
+nothing; but I can't jump over justice's hedges and ditches. Courts
+of law are broad high roads, made for national convenience; if your
+way lie through them, 'tis but fair you should pay the turnpikes.
+Who is the offender?
+
+_Job._ He lives on your estate, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Oho! a tenant!--Then I may carry you through your
+journey by a short cut. Let him marry your daughter, my honest
+friend.
+
+_Job._ He won't.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why not?
+
+_Job._ He's going to marry another.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Then he turns out. The rascal sha'n't disgrace my
+estate four and twenty hours longer.--Injure a reputable tradesman,
+my neighbour!----a freeholder!--and refuse to----did you say he was
+poor?
+
+_Job._ No, Sir Simon; and, by and by, if you don't stand in his way,
+he may be very rich.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Rich! eh!--Why, zounds! is he a gentleman?
+
+_Job._ I have answer'd that question already, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Not that I remember.
+
+_Job._ I thought I had been telling you his behaviour.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Umph!
+
+_Job._ I reckon many of my neighbours honest men, though I can't
+call them gentlemen;--but I reckon no man a gentleman, that I can't
+call honest.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Harkye, neighbour;--if he's a gentleman (and I have
+several giddy young tenants, with more money than thought), let him
+give you a good round sum, and there's an end.
+
+_Job._ A good round sum!--Damn me, I shall choke! [_Aside._] A
+ruffian, with a crape, puts a pistol to my breast, and robs me of
+forty shillings;--a scoundrel, with a smiling face, creeps to my
+fireside, and robs my daughter of her innocence. The judge can't
+allow restitution to spare the highwayman;--then, pray, Sir
+Simon,--I wish to speak humbly--pray don't insult the father, by
+calling money a reparation from the seducer.
+
+_Sir Simon._ This fellow must be dealt with quietly I see--Justice,
+my honest friend, is----justice.--As a magistrate, I make no
+distinction of persons.--Seduction is a heinous offence: and,
+whatever is in my power, I----
+
+_Job._ The offender is in your power, Sir Simon.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Well, well; don't be hasty, and I'll take cognizance of
+him.--We must do things in form:--but you mustn't be passionate.
+[_Goes to the Table, and takes up a Pen._] Come, give me his
+christian and surname, and I'll see what's to be done for you.--Now,
+what name must I write?
+
+_Job._ Francis Rochdale.
+
+_Sir Simon._ [_Drops the Pen, looks at JOB, and starts up._] Damn me!
+if it isn't the brazier!
+
+_Job._ Justice is justice, Sir Simon. I am a respectable tradesman,
+your neighbour, and a freeholder.--Seduction is a heinous offence; a
+magistrate knows no distinction of persons; and a rascal musn't
+disgrace your estate four and twenty hours longer.
+
+_Sir Simon._ [_Sheepishly._] I believe your name is Thornberry?
+
+_Job._ It is, Sir Simon. I never blush'd at my name, till your son
+made me blush for yours.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Mr. Thornberry--I--I heard something of my
+son's--a--little indiscretion, some mornings ago.
+
+_Job._ Did you, Sir Simon? you never sent to me about it; so, I
+suppose, the news reach'd you at one of the hours you don't set
+apart for justice.
+
+_Sir Simon._ This is a----a very awkward business, Mr. Thornberry.
+Something like a hump back;--we can never set it quite straight, so
+we must bolster it.
+
+_Job._ How do you mean, Sir Simon?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why--'tis a--a disagreeable affair, and--we--must hush
+it up.
+
+_Job._ Hush it up! a justice compound with a father, to wink at his
+child's injuries! if you and I hush it up so, Sir Simon, how shall
+we hush it up here? [_Striking his Breast._] In one word, will your
+son marry my daughter?
+
+_Sir Simon._ What! my son marry the daughter of a brazier!
+
+_Job._ He has ruined the daughter of a brazier.--If the best lord in
+the land degrades himself by a crime, you can't call his atonement
+for it a condescension.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Honest friend--I don't know in what quantities you may
+sell brass at your shop; but when you come abroad, and ask a baronet
+to marry his son to your daughter, damn me, if you ar'n't a
+wholesale dealer!
+
+_Job._ And I can't tell, Sir Simon, how you may please to retail
+justice; but when a customer comes to deal largely with you, damn me
+if you don't shut up the shop windows!
+
+_Sir Simon._ You are growing saucy. Leave the room, or I shall
+commit you.
+
+_Job._ Commit me! you will please to observe, Sir Simon, I
+remember'd my duty, till you forgot yours. You asked me, at first,
+to sit down in your presence. I knew better than to do so, before a
+baronet and a justice of peace. But I lose my respect for my
+superior in rank, when he's so much below my equals in fair
+dealing:--and, since the magistrate has left the chair [_Slams the
+Chair into the middle of the Room._] I'll sit down on it. [_Sits
+down._] There!--'Tis fit it should be fill'd by somebody--and,
+dam'me if I leave the house till you redress my daughter, or I shame
+you all over the county!
+
+_Sir Simon._ Why, you impudent mechanic! I shou'dn't wonder if the
+scoundrel call'd for my clerk, and sign'd my mittimus. [_Rings the
+Bell._] Fellow, get out of that chair.
+
+_Job._ I sha'n't stir. If you want to sit down, take another. This
+is the chair of justice: it's the most uneasy for you of any in the
+room.
+
+ _Enter SERVANT._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Tell Mr. Rochdale to come to me directly.
+
+_Serv._ Yes, Sir Simon. [_Sees JOB._] Hee! hee!
+
+_Sir Simon._ Don't stand grinning, you booby! but go.
+
+_Serv._ Yes, Sir Simon. Hee! he! [_Exit._
+
+_Job._ [_Reaching a Book from the Table._] "Burn's Justice!"
+
+_Sir Simon._ And how dare you take it up?
+
+_Job._ Because you have laid it down. Read it a little better, and,
+then, I may respect you more.--There it is.
+ [_Throws it on the Floor._
+
+ _Enter FRANK ROCHDALE._
+
+_Sir Simon._ So, sir! prettily I am insulted on your account!
+
+_Frank._ Good Heaven, sir! what is the matter?
+
+_Sir Simon._ The matter! [_Points to JOB._] Lug that old bundle of
+brass out of my chair, directly.
+ [_FRANK casts his Eyes on THORNBERRY, then
+ on the Ground, and stands abashed._
+
+_Job._ He dare as soon jump into one of your tin-mines.
+Brass!--there is no baser metal than hypocrisy: he came with that
+false coin to my shop, and it pass'd; but see how conscience nails
+him to the spot, now!
+
+_Frank._ [_To SIR SIMON._] Sir, I came to explain all.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Sir, you must be aware that all is explained already.
+You provoke a brazier almost to knock me down; and bring me news of
+it, when he is fix'd as tight in my study, as a copper in my
+kitchen.
+
+_Frank._ [_Advancing to JOB._] Mr. Thornberry, I----
+
+_Job._ Keep your distance! I'm an old fellow; but if my daughter's
+seducer comes near me, I'll beat him as flat as a stewpan.
+
+_Frank._ [_Still advancing._] Suffer me to speak, and--
+
+_Job._ [_Rising from the Chair, and holding up his Cane._] Come an
+inch nearer, and I'll be as good as my word.
+
+ _Enter PEREGRINE._
+
+_Pereg._ Hold!
+
+_Job._ Eh! you here? then I have some chance, perhaps, of getting
+righted, at last.
+
+_Pereg._ Do not permit passion to weaken that chance.
+
+_Job._ Oh, plague! you don't know;--I wasn't violent till----
+
+_Pereg._ Nay, nay; cease to grasp that cane.--While we are so
+conspicuously bless'd with laws to chastise a culprit, the mace of
+justice is the only proper weapon for the injured.--Let me talk with
+you. [_Takes THORNBERRY aside._
+
+_Sir Simon._ [_To FRANK ROCHDALE._] Well, sir; who may this last
+person be, whom you have thought proper should visit me?
+
+_Frank._ A stranger in this country, sir, and----
+
+_Sir Simon._ And a friend, I perceive, of that old ruffian.
+
+_Frank._ I have reason to think, sir, he is a friend to Mr.
+Thornberry.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Sir, I am very much obliged to you.--You send a brazier
+to challenge me, and now, I suppose, you have brought a travelling
+tinker for his second. Where does he come from?
+
+_Frank._ India, sir. He leap'd from the vessel that was foundering
+on the rocks, this morning, and swam to shore.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Did he? I wish he had taken the jump with the brazier
+tied to his neck.
+ [_PEREGRINE and JOB come forward._
+
+_Pereg._ [_Apart to JOB._] I can discuss it better in your absence.
+Be near with Mary: should the issue be favourable, I will call you.
+
+_Job._ [_Apart to PEREG._] Well, well! I will. You have a better
+head at it than I.----Justice! Oh, if I was Lord Chancellor, I'd
+knock all the family down with the mace, in a minute. [_Exit._
+
+_Pereg._ Suffer me to say a few words, Sir Simon Rochdale, in behalf
+of that unhappy man. [_Pointing to where JOB was gone out._
+
+_Sir Simon._ And pray, sir, what privilege have you to interfere in
+my domestic concerns?
+
+_Pereg._ None, as it appears abstractedly. Old Thornberry has just
+deputed me to accommodate his domestic concerns with you: I would,
+willingly, not touch upon yours.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Poh! poh! You can't touch upon one, Without being
+impertinent about the other.
+
+_Pereg._ Have the candour to suppose, Sir Simon, that I mean no
+disrespect to your house. Although I may stickle, lustily, with you,
+in the cause of an aggrieved man, believe me, early habits have
+taught me to be anxious for the prosperity of the Rochdales.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Early habits!
+
+_Pereg._ I happened to be born on your estate, Sir Simon; and have
+obligations to some part of your family.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Then, upon my soul, you have chosen a pretty way to
+repay them!
+
+_Pereg._ I know no better way of repaying them, than by consulting
+your family honour. In my boyhood, it seem'd as if nature had
+dropp'd me a kind of infant subject on your father's Cornish
+territory; and the whole pedigree of your house is familiar to me.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Is it? Confound him, he has heard of the miller!
+[_Aside._] Sir, you may talk this tolerably well; but 'tis my
+hope--my opinion, I mean, you can't tell who was my grandfather.
+
+_Pereg._ Whisper the secret to yourself, Sir Simon; and let reason
+also whisper to you, that, when honest industry raises a family to
+opulence and honours, its very original lowness sheds lustre on its
+elevation;--but all its glory fades, when it has given a wound, and
+denies a balsam, to a man, as humble, and as honest, as your own
+ancestor.
+
+_Sir Simon._ But I haven't given the wound.--And why, good sir,
+won't you be pleased to speak your sentiments!
+ [_To FRANK, who has retired, during the above
+ Conversation, to the Back of the Room._
+
+_Frank._ The first are, obedience to my father, sir; and, if I must
+proceed, I own that nothing, in my mind, but the amplest atonement,
+can extinguish true remorse for a cruelty.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Ha! in other words, you can't clap an extinguisher upon
+your feelings, without a father-in-law who can sell you one. But
+Lady Caroline Braymore is your wife, or I am no longer your father.
+
+ _Enter TOM SHUFFLETON and LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._
+
+_Shuff._ How d'ye do, good folks? How d'ye do?
+
+_Sir Simon._ Ha! Lady Caroline!--Tom, I have had a little
+business.--The last dinner-bell has rung, Lady Caroline; but I'll
+attend you directly.
+
+_Shuff._ Baronet, I'm afraid we sha'n't be able to dine with you
+to-day.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Not dine with me!
+
+_Lady Car._ No;--we are just married!
+
+_Sir Simon._ Hell and the devil! married!
+
+_Shuff._ Yes; we are married, and can't come.
+
+_Pereg._ [_Aside._] Then 'tis time to speak to old Thornberry.
+ [_Exit._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Lady Caroline!
+
+_Lady Car._ I lost my appetite in your family this morning, Sir
+Simon; and have no relish for any thing you can have the goodness to
+offer me.
+
+_Shuff._ Don't press us, baronet;--that's quite out, in the New
+School.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Oh, damn the New School!--who will explain all this
+mystery?
+
+_Frank._ Mr. Shuffleton shall explain it, sir; and other mysteries
+too.
+
+_Shuff._ My dear Frank, I have something to say to you. But here
+comes my papa; I've been talking to him, Sir Simon, and he'll talk
+to you. He does very well to explain, for the benefit of a country
+gentleman.
+
+ _Enter LORD FITZ BALAAM._
+
+_Sir Simon._ My Lord, it is painful to be referred to you, when so
+much is to be said. What is it all?
+
+_Lord Fitz._ You are disappointed, Sir Simon, and I am ruin'd.
+
+_Sir Simon._ But, my lord---- [_They go up the Stage._
+
+ [_LADY CAROLINE throws herself carelessly into a
+ Chair. SHUFFLETON advances to FRANK._
+
+_Shuff._ My dear Frank, I----I have had a devilish deal of trouble
+in getting this business off your hands. But you see, I have done my
+best for you.
+
+_Frank._ For yourself, you mean.
+
+_Shuff._ Come, damn it, my good fellow, don't be ungrateful to a
+friend.
+
+_Frank._ Take back this letter of recommendation, you wrote for
+Mary, as a friend. When you assume that name with me, Mr.
+Shuffleton, for myself I laugh; for you I blush; but for sacred
+friendship's profanation I grieve. [_Turns from him._
+
+_Shuff._ That all happens from living so much out of town.
+
+ _Enter PEREGRINE, JOB THORNBERRY, and MARY._
+
+_Pereg._ Now, Sir Simon, as accident seems to have thwarted a
+design, which probity could never applaud, you may, perhaps, be
+inclined to do justice here.
+
+_Job._ Justice is all I come for--damn their favours! Cheer up,
+Mary!
+
+_Sir Simon._ [_To PEREG._] I was in hopes I had got rid of you. You
+are an orator from the sea-shore; but you must put more pebbles in
+your mouth before you harangue me into a tea-kettle connexion.
+
+_Shuff._ That's my friend at the Red Cow. He is the new-old _cher
+ami_ to honest tea-kettle's daughter.
+
+_Frank._ Your insinuation is false, sir.
+
+_Shuff._ False! [_Stepping forward._
+
+_Lady Car._ Hush! don't quarrel;--we are only married to-day.
+
+_Shuff._ That's true; I won't do any thing to make you unhappy for
+these three weeks.
+
+_Pereg._ Sir Simon Rochdale, if my oratory fail, and which, indeed,
+is weak, may interest prevail with you?
+
+_Sir Simon._ No; rather than consent, I'd give up every acre of my
+estate.
+
+_Pereg._ Your conduct proves you unworthy of your estate; and,
+unluckily for you, you have roused the indignation of an elder
+brother, who now stands before you, and claims it.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Eh!--Zounds!--Peregrine!
+
+_Pereg._ I can make my title too good, in an instant, for you to
+dispute it. My agent in London has long had documents on the secret
+he has kept; and several old inhabitants here, I know, are prepared
+to identify me.
+
+_Sir Simon._ I had a run-away brother--a boy that every body
+thought dead. How came he not to claim till now?
+
+_Pereg._ Because, knowing he had given deep cause of offence, he
+never would have asserted his abandon'd right, had he not found a
+brother neglecting, what no Englishman should neglect--justice and
+humanity to his inferiors.
+
+ _Enter DENNIS BRULGRUDDERY._
+
+_Dennis._ Stand asy, all of you; for I've big news for my
+half-drown'd customer. Och! bless your mug! and is it there you are?
+
+_Sir Simon._ What's the matter now?
+
+_Dennis._ Hould your tongue, you little man!--There's a great post
+just come to your Manor-house, and the Indiaman's work'd into port.
+
+_Job._ What, the vessel with all your property? [_To PEREG._
+
+_Dennis._ By all that's amazing, they say you have a hundred
+thousand pounds in that ship.
+
+_Pereg._ My losses might have been somewhat more without this
+recovery. I have entered into a sort of partnership with you, my
+friend, this morning. How can we dissolve it?
+
+_Job._ You are an honest man; so am I; so settle that account as you
+like.
+
+_Pereg._ Come forth, then, injured simplicity;--of your own cause
+you shall be now the arbitress.
+
+_Mary._ Do not make me speak, sir, I am so humbled--so abash'd----
+
+_Job._ Nonsense! we are sticking up for right.
+
+_Pereg._ Will you then speak, Mr. Rochdale?
+
+_Frank._ My father is bereft of a fortune, sir; but I must hesitate
+till his fiat is obtained, as much as if he possess'd it.
+
+_Sir Simon._ Nay, nay; follow your own inclinations now
+
+_Frank._ May I, sir? Oh, then, let the libertine now make
+reparation, and claim a wife.
+ [_Running to MARY, and embracing her._
+
+_Dennis._ His wife! Och! what a big dinner we'll have at the Red
+Cow!
+
+_Pereg._ What am I to say, sir? [_To SIR SIMON._
+
+_Sir Simon._ Oh! you are to say what you please.
+
+_Pereg._ Then, bless you both! And, tho' I have passed so much of my
+life abroad, brother, English equity is dear to my heart. Respect
+the rights of honest John Bull, and our family concerns may be
+easily arranged.
+
+_Job._ That's upright. I forgive you, young man, for what has
+passed; but no one deserves forgiveness, who refuses to make amends,
+when he has disturb'd the happiness of an Englishman's fireside.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL***
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