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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20451-8.txt b/20451-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..47edb2b --- /dev/null +++ b/20451-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5724 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Confessions of Artemas Quibble, by Arthur Train + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of Artemas Quibble + +Author: Arthur Train + +Release Date: January 26, 2007 [EBook #20451] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF ARTEMAS QUIBBLE *** + + + + +Produced by an anonymous volunteer + + + + +Transcriber's note: + + Quotation marks have been added to block quotes set in smaller type. + + The text of signs and business cards was set in box rules, which have + been omitted. + + Typographical errors have been corrected; 19th-century spellings + have been retained. + + LoC call number: PS3539.R15C7 + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF +ARTEMAS QUIBBLE + +BEING THE INGENUOUS AND UNVARNISHED HISTORY OF ARTEMAS QUIBBLE, +ESQUIRE, ONE-TIME PRACTITIONER IN THE NEW YORK CRIMINAL COURTS, +TOGETHER WITH AN ACCOUNT OF THE DIVERS WILES, TRICKS, SOPHISTRIES, +TECHNICALITIES, AND SUNDRY ARTIFICES OF HIMSELF AND OTHERS OF THE +FRATERNITY, COMMONLY YCLEPT "SHYSTERS" OR "SHYSTER LAWYERS," AS +EDITED +BY +ARTHUR TRAIN +FORMERLY ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY +NEW YORK COUNTY + +ILLUSTRATED + +NEW YORK +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS +1922 + + +COPYRIGHT, 1911, BY +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS + +PRINTED AT +THE SCRIBNER PRESS +NEW YORK, U.S.A. + + +ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted] + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF +ARTEMAS QUIBBLE + +CHAPTER I + +I was born in the town in Lynn, Massachusetts, upon the twenty- +second day of February, in the year 1855. Unlike most writers of +similar memoirs, I shall cast no aspersions upon the indigent by +stating that my parents were poor but honest. They were poor _and_ +honest, as indeed, so far as I have been able to ascertain, have +been all the Quibbles since the founder of the family came over on +the good ship _Susan and Ellen_ in 1635, and, after marrying a +lady's maid who had been his fellow passenger, settled in the +township of Weston, built a mill, and divided his time equally +between selling rum to the Indians and rearing a numerous progeny. + +My father, the Reverend Ezra Quibble, was, to be sure, poor enough. +The salary that he received as pastor of his church was meagre to +the degree of necessitating my wearing his over-worn and discarded +clerical vestments, which to some extent may account for my otherwise +inexplicable distaste for things ecclesiastical. My mother was +poor, after wedlock, owing to the eccentricity of a parent who was +so inexorably opposed to religion that he cut her off with a shilling +upon her marriage to my father. Before this she had had and done +what she chose, as was fitting for a daughter of a substantial +citizen who had made a fortune in shoe leather. + +I remember that one of my first experiments upon taking up the +study of law was to investigate my grandfather's will in the probate +office, with a view to determining whether or not, in his fury +against the church, he had violated any of the canons of the law +in regard to perpetuities or restraints upon alienation; or whether +in his enthusiasm for the Society for the Propagation of Free +Thinking, which he had established and intended to perpetuate, he +had not been guilty of some technical slip or blunder that would +enable me to seize upon its endowment for my own benefit. But the +will, alas! had been drawn by that most careful of draughtsmen, +old Tuckerman Toddleham, of 14 Barristers' Hall, Boston, and was +as solid as the granite blocks of the court-house and as impregnable +of legal attack as the Constitution. + +We lived in a frame house, painted a disconsolate yellow. It +abutted close upon the sidewalk and permitted the passer-by to view +the family as we sat at meat or enjoyed the moderate delights of +social intercourse with our neighbors, most of whom were likewise +parishioners of my father. + +My early instruction was received in the public schools of my native +town, supplemented by tortured hours at home with "Greenleaf's +Mental Arithmetic" and an exhaustive study of the major and minor +prophets. The former stood me in good stead, but the latter I fear +had small effect. At any rate, the impression made upon me bore +little fruit, and after three years of them I found myself in about +the same frame of mind as the Oxford student who, on being asked +at his examination to distinguish between the major and minor +prophets, wrote in answer: "God forbid that I should discriminate +between such holy men!" + +But for all that I was naturally of a studious and even scholarly +disposition, and much preferred browsing among the miscellaneous +books piled in a corner of the attic to playing the rough-and-tumble +games in which my school-mates indulged. + +My father was a stern, black-bearded man of the ante-bellum type, +such as you may see in any old volume of daguerreotypes, and entirely +unblessed with a sense of humor. I can even now recall with a +sinking of the heart the manner in which, if I abjured my food, he +would grasp me firmly by the back of the neck and force my nose +toward the plate of Indian mush--which was the family staple at +supper--with the command, "Eat, boy!" Sometimes he was kind to a +degree which, by a yawning of the imagination, might be regarded +as affectionate, but this was only from a sense of religious duty. +At such times I was prone to distrust him even more than at others. +He believed in a personal devil with horns, a tail, and, I suspect, +red tights; and up to the age of ten I shared implicitly in this +belief. The day began and ended with family prayers of a particularly +long-drawn-out and dolorous character. + +My mother, on the other hand, was a pale young woman of an undecided +turn of mind with a distinct taste for the lighter pleasures that +she was never allowed to gratify. I think she secretly longed for +the freedom that had been hers under the broader roof of her father's +stately mansion on High Street. But she had, I suspect, neither +the courage nor the force of mind to raise an issue, and from sheer +inertia remained faithful to the life that she had elected. + +My grandfather never had anything to do with either of them and +did not, so far as I am aware, know me by sight, which may account +for the fact that when he died he bequeathed a moderate sum in +trust, "the proceeds to be devoted to the support and maintenance +of the child of my daughter Sarah, at some suitable educational +institution where he may be removed from the influences of his +father." + +Thus it was that at the age of nine I was sent away from home and +began an independent career at the boarding-school kept by the +Reverend Mr. Quirk, at Methuen, Massachusetts. Here I remained +for seven years, in the course of which both my parents died, +victims of typhoid. I was cast upon the world utterly alone, save +for the rather uncompromising and saturnine regard in which I was +held by old Mr. Toddleham, my trustee. This antique gentleman +inhabited a musty little office, the only furniture in which +consisted of a worn red carpet, a large engraving of the Hon. +Jeremiah Mason, and a table covered with green baize. I recall +also a little bronze horse which he used as a paper weight. He +had a shrewd wrinkled face of the color of parchment, a thick yellow +wig, and a blue cape coat. His practice consisted almost entirely +in drawing wills and executing them after the decease of their +respective testators, whom he invariably outlived, and I think he +regarded me somewhat in the light of a legal joke. He used to send +for me twice a year, for the sole purpose, I believe, of ascertaining +whether or not I was sufficiently nourished at Quirk's establishment. +On these occasions he would take me to lunch with him at the Parker +House, where he invariably ordered scallops and pumpkin pie for me +and a pint of port for himself. + +On my departure he would hand me solemnly two of the pieces of +paper currency known as "shin plasters," and bid me always hold my +grandfather's memory in reverence. On one of these occasions, when +he had laid me under a similar adjuration, I asked him whether he +had ever heard of the man who made his son take off his hat whenever +he met a pig--on the ground that his father had made his money in +pork. He stared at me very hard for a moment with his little +twinkling eyes and then suddenly and without any preliminary symptoms +exploded in a cackle of laughter. + +"Goddamme," he squeaked, "I wish your gran'ther could a' heard y' +say that!" + +Then without further explanation he turned and made his way down +School Street and I did not see him for another six months. + +My life at Quirk's was a great improvement over the life I had led +at home in Lynn. In the first place I was in the real country, +and in the second I had the companionship of good-natured, light- +hearted people. The master himself was of the happy-go-lucky sort +who, with a real taste for the finer things of literature and life, +take no thought for the morrow or indeed even for the day. He was +entirely incapable of earning a living and had been successively +an actor, a lecturer, a preacher, and a pedagogue. He was a fine +scholar of Latin and could quote Terence, Horace, and Plautus in +a way that could stir the somnolent soul even of a school-boy. +His chief enemy, next to laziness, was drink. He would disappear +for days at a time into his study, and afterward explain that he +had been engaged in the preparation of his _magnum opus_, which +periodically was just on the point of going to press. + +During these interludes the school was run by Mrs. Quirk, a robust, +capable, and rosy Englishwoman, who had almost as much learning as +her husband and ten times as much practical ability. There were +twelve boys in the school, for each of whom the Quirks received +the modest sum of two hundred and seventy-five dollars a year. In +exchange for this they gave board, lodging, and tuition. Each of +us received separate instruction--or as Quirk expressed it "individual +attention"--and excellent instruction it was. We arose at six, +breakfasted at six-thirty, and helped around the house until eight, +when our studies began. These continued until twelve, at which +time we had dinner. After that we were free until two-thirty, when +we resumed our labors until four. + +Quirk was a tall, lank, loose-jointed man, with long black hair +that lay well over his Byronic collar. He had a humorous eye and +a cavernous mouth that was always twisting itself into grimaces, +alternately side-splitting and terrifying. On occasions he would +use the birch--and very thoroughly, too, as I have reason to remember +--but he ruled us by fear of authority. For though he dressed like +a clergyman, he always smelled strongly of stale cigar smoke, and +his language at times was more forcible than is generally expected +of a wearer of the cloth. + +I dwelt with the Quirks, winter and summer, until I was able to +pass my examinations for Harvard, which I did in the summer of +1871. My allowance had been gradually increased to meet my new +expenses, and I entered the freshman class with an income sufficient +to permit me to dress suitably and enjoy myself in such simple ways +as were in vogue among the collegians. But coming as I did, alone, +from a small boarding-school, proved to be a great disadvantage, +for I had all my friends to make after my arrival and I had neither +the means nor the address to acquire ready-made social distinction. +Thus it happened that I was very lonely during my first years in +Cambridge; missed the genial companionship of my old friends, the +Quirks, and seized every opportunity that offered for going back +to Methuen. + +I had grown into a tall, narrow-shouldered youth, with a high-arched +nose between rather pale cheeks, and prominent ears. Though I +could hardly flatter myself into the belief that I was handsome, +I felt that my appearance had something of distinction and that I +looked like a gentleman. I affected coats with long tails and a +somewhat dandified style of waistcoat and neck-cloth, as well as +a white beaver, much in favor among the "bloods" of those days. +But this took most of my available cash, and left me little to +expend in treating my fellow students at the tavern or in enjoying +the more substantial culinary delights of the Boston hotels. Thus +though I made no shabby friends I acquired few genteel ones, and +I began to feel keenly the disadvantages of a lean purse. I was +elected into none of the clubs, nor did I receive any invitations +to the numerous balls given in Boston or even to those in Cambridge. +This piqued my pride, to be sure, but only intensified my resolution +to become a man of fashion on my own account. If my classmates +could get on without me I felt that I could get on without them, +and I resolutely declined to appreciate any social distinction that +might artificially exist between a man born in Salem and one born +in Lynn, although I now understand that such distinction exists, +at least so far as Boston society is concerned. Consequently as +time went on and I could achieve prominence in no other way, I +sought consolation for the social joys denied by my betters in +acquiring the reputation of a sport. I held myself coldly aloof +from the fashionable men of my class and devoted myself to a few +cronies who found themselves in much the same position as my own. +In a short time we became known as the fastest set in college, and +our escapades were by no means confined to Cambridge, but were +carried on with great impartiality in Boston and the neighboring +towns. + +We organized a club, which we called the Cock and Spur, and had a +rat-pit and cock-fights in the cellar, on which occasions we invited +out young actors from the Boston Museum and Howard Athenaeum stock +companies. These in turn pressed us with invitations to similar +festivities of their own, and we thus became acquainted with the +half-world of the modern Athens, which was much worse for us, I +trow, than would have been the most desperate society of our college +contemporaries. There was a club of young actors that we used to +frequent, where light comedy sketches and scenes from famous plays +were given by the members, and in due time several of us were +admitted to membership. Of these I was one and learned to do a +turn very acceptably. On one occasion I took a small part upon +the Boston Museum stage to fill the place made vacant by the illness +of a regular member of the cast--an illness due in part to a carousal +at the Cock and Spur the night before, in which he had come out +second best. + +We were a clever crew, however, and never gave the faculty reason +to complain of any failure on our part to keep up in our studies. +When examination time came we hired an impecunious coach and, +retiring from the world, acquired in five days knowledge that our +fellows had taken eight months to imbibe. It is true that the +college at large viewed us with some disgust, but we chose to regard +this as mere envy. That we were really objectionable must, however, +be admitted, for we smoked cigars in the Yard, wore sky-blue +pantaloons and green waistcoats, and cultivated little side whiskers +of the mutton-chop variety; while our gigs and trotters were +constantly to be seen standing in Harvard Square, waiting for the +owners to claim them and take the road. + +On Sundays, when the decorous youths of Boston had retired to Beacon +Street for their midday family feast of roast beef and baked beans, +the members of the Cock and Spur might be observed in their white +beaver hats driving countryward in chaises from the local livery +stables, seated beside various fair ladies from the Boston stage +or the less distinguished purlieus of the Cambridge chop-houses. +At noon these parties would foregather at some country tavern and +spend long afternoons singing, drinking, and playing draw poker +and other games of chance; and occasionally we would fight a main +of cocks in some convenient pig-pen. + +But this sort of life took money, and I soon found myself borrowing +freely from my associates, most of whom were young fellows from +other States who had already come into their inheritances and had +gone to Harvard to get rid of them under the most approved conditions. +For these I came to stand as a sort of sponsor, and was looked up +to by them as a devil of a fellow, for I swore picturesquely and +had a belligerently unpleasant manner that was regarded as something +quite out of the ordinary and distinguished. These youthful +spendthrifts I patronized and taught the mysteries of a sporting +life, and for a time it became quite smart for a fellow to have +gone on one of "Quib's" notes. These notes, however, increased +rapidly in number, and before long amounted to such a prodigious +sum that they gave me great uneasiness. + +My habits had become extravagant and careless. Having no money at +all I took no heed of what I did with that of others, for I hardly +believed that I could ever repay any of it. But I continued on in +my luxurious ways, well knowing that any change in my mode of life +would precipitate a deluge. The safety of my position lay in owing +everybody, and in inducing each to believe that he would be the +one person ultimately or immediately to be paid. Moreover, I was +now completely spoiled and craved so ardently the enjoyments in +which I had indulged that I would never of myself have had the will +to abjure them. I had gained that which I sought--reputation. I +was accounted the leader of the fast set--the "All Knights" as we +were known--and I was the envy and admiration of my followers. +But this bred in me an arrogance that proved my undoing. It was +necessary for me to be masterful in order to carry off the pose of +leadership, but I had not yet learned when to conciliate. + +It so happened that in the spring of my junior year my creditors +became more than usually pressing, and at the same time a Jew by +the name of Poco Abrahams began to threaten suit on a note of mine +for two thousand dollars, which I had discounted with him for seven +hundred and fifty. I made my usual demands upon my friends and +offered to do them the favor of letting them go on some more of my +paper, but without the usual result. I then discovered to my +annoyance that a wealthy young fellow know as "Buck" de Vries, who +had considered himself insulted by something that I had said or +done, had been quietly spreading the rumor that I was a sort of +hocus-pocus fellow and practically bankrupt, that my pretensions +to fashion were ridiculous, and that I made a business of living +off other people. Incidentally he had gone the rounds, and, owing +to the rumors that he himself had spread, had succeeded in buying +up most of my notes at a tremendous discount. These he lost no +time in presenting for payment, and as they amounted to several +thousand dollars my hope of reaching a settlement with him was +small. In point of fact I was quite sure that he wanted no settlement +and desired only revenge, and I realized what a fool I had been to +make an enemy out of one who might have been an ally. + +In this embarrassing situation I bethought me of old Mr. Toddleham, +and accordingly paid him an unexpected visit at Barristers' Hall. +It was a humid spring day, and I recall that the birds were twittering +loudly in the maples back of the Probate Office. As befitted my +station at the time of year, I was arrayed in a new beaver and a +particularly fanciful pair of rather tight trousers. + +"Come in," squeaked Mr. Toddleham, and I entered easily. + +The old lawyer peered quizzically at me from behind his square- +boned spectacles. + +"Oh," said he, "it's you, Master Quibble." + +"The same, and your most obedient," I replied, letting myself fall +gracefully into a chair and crossing my legs. + +"You want money, I suppose?" he continued, after a few minutes, +during which he inspected by get-up with some interest. + +"Well," I commenced lightly, "the fact is I am rather pressed. I +thought if you could make me a small advance out of my grandfather's +legacy--" + +"Legacy! What legacy?" he inquired. + +"The legacy my grandfather left me." + +"He left you no legacy," retorted the old gentleman. "Your +grandfather, to whom you were once so considerate as to refer in +my presence as a pig, left you no legacy. He directed that as long +as you seemed to deserve it I should spend a certain sum on your +maintenance and education." + +"Gad!" I cried. "That puts me in a nice position!" + +The old lawyer looked at me whimsically. + +"My gay young man," he remarked finally, "the only position you +occupy is one into which you have deliberately walked yourself. +You come here in your fine clothes and your beaver hat and--excuse +me--your whiskers, and you are surprised that there is no money +forthcoming to pay your debts. Do not look astonished. I know +and have known for a long time of your debts. I have followed your +career with attention if not with edification. Even for the son +of a Baptist minister you have done pretty well. However, life is +life and everybody is not the same. I sha'n't judge you. I was +a bit of a dog myself, although I don't look it now. But I can +give you no more money for game-cocks and cigars. It is time for +you to start in and earn your own living--if you can. At the end +of the term I will give you fifty dollars and a ticket to New York, +or one hundred dollars and no ticket to anywhere. You will have +to kick out for yourself. So fine a fellow," he added, "ought not +to find it hard to get along. No doubt you could find some rich +girl to marry you and support you in idleness." + +I flushed with anger and sprang to my feet. + +"I did not come here to be insulted!" I cried furiously. + +Old Mr. Toddleham chuckled apologetically. + +"Tut, tut! No offence. You won't find earning your living such +an easy matter. Have you thought anything about what you'll do?" + +"No," I answered, still indignant. + +"How much do you owe?" + +"About forty-eight hundred dollars." + +"Damme!" muttered Mr. Tuckerman Toddleham. "More than you could +earn in the first five years at the law!" + +"See here," I interrupted, "do you seriously mean that except for +fifty dollars or so there is nothing coming to me out of my +grandfather's estate? Why, he was worth over a million!" + +"That is exactly what I mean," he returned. "He left you nothing +except an allowance for your education during your good behavior. +He made me the judge. I'm your trustee and I can't conscientiously +let you have any more money to drink up and gamble with. It's over +and done with." He rapped with an air of finality on his desk with +the little bronze horse. + +"Who gets all the money?" I asked ruefully. + +"The Society for the Propagation of Free Thinking," he answered, +eyeing me sharply. + +"I should think anything like that ought to be contrary to law!" +I retorted. "It ought to be a crime to encourage atheism." + +"It's a good devise under our statutes!" he answered dryly. "I +suppose your own faith is beautiful enough, eh?" + +I did not respond, but sat twisting my hat in my hands. Through +the open window the soft damp odors of spring came in and mingled +with the dusty smell of law books. So this was law! It suddenly +struck me that I was taking the loss of over a million dollars very +resignedly. How did I know whether the old boy was telling me the +truth or not? He had drawn the will and got a good fee for it. +Certainly he was not going to admit that there was anything invalid +about it. Why not study law--I might as well do that as anything +--and find out for myself? It was a game worth playing. The stakes +were a million dollars and the forfeit nothing. As I looked around +the little office and at the weazened old barrister before me, +something of the fascination of the law took hold of me. + +"I rather think I should like to study law myself," I remarked. + +He looked at me out of the corners of his bead-like little eyes. + +"And break your gran'ther's will, mebbe?" he inquired slyly. + +"If I can," I retorted defiantly. + +"That would be better than fighting cocks and frittering your time +away with play actors," said he. + +"Mr. Toddleham," I returned, "if I will agree to turn over a new +leaf and give up my present associates, will you continue my +allowance and let me stay on in Cambridge and study law?" + +"If you will agree to enter my office and study under my supervision +--yes." + +Once more I glanced around the little room. Somehow the smell of +decaying leather did not have the same fascination that it had +exercised a few moments before. The setting sun sinking over the +Probate Office entered the window and lingered on the stern old +face of the Hon. Jeremiah Mason over the fireplace. The birds +twittered gayly amid the branches by the window. Spring called me +to the open air, to the world outside, to the future. + +"Give me fifty dollars and my ticket to New York," said I. + + +It had so happened that at the time of my visit to Mr. Toddleham +my credit, and consequently my ready funds, had become so reduced +that I had only a dollar or two in my pocket. Therefore the check +for fifty dollars that the old gentleman had carefully drawn for +me with his quill pen and then had as carefully sanded over was by +no means inopportune. I took the shore-car back over the Warren +Avenue Bridge, depressed at the thought of leaving the scene of my +first acquaintance with the world and at the same time somewhat +relieved, in spite of myself, by the consoling thought that I should +no longer be worried by the omnipresent anxiety of trying to escape +from duns and Jews. + +Resolved to terminate my collegiate career in a blaze of glory, I +went the rounds of the college buildings and bade all my friends +to a grand celebration at the Tavern, where, owing to the large +amount of trade that I had been able to swing to it, my credit was +still good. Even "Buck" de Vries was not forgotten, and without +a suggestion of my contemplated departure I entertained my colleagues +royally with a bowl of punch brewed after a celebrated Cambridge +recipe, which in a decadent age spoke eloquently of the glories of +the past. I was in the midst of a highly colored speech--during +which I must confess de Vries had eyed me in a somewhat saturnine +manner--when the proprietor tapped me on the shoulder and said that +I was wanted outside. Excusing myself I stepped to the door only +to be unexpectedly confronted by the local sheriff, who apologetically +informed me that he held a warrant of attachment for my worldly +goods and another for the arrest of my very worldly person. With +admirable presence of mind I requested his patience until I should +find my coat, and returning via the buttery made my escape from +the premises by means of the rear exit. _Sic gloria transit!_ +That night I slept under the roof of the amiable Quirk in Methuen, +and the day after reached New York, the city of my future career. + + +CHAPTER II + +My arrival in the metropolis was unaccompanied by any newspaper +comment or by any particular excitement on the part of the inhabitants. +I simply landed, after a seven hours' journey from Boston, with a +considerable quantity of fine raiment--rather too fine, as I soon +discovered, for the ordinary uses of a serious-minded, working +youth--some fifty odd dollars, and a well-developed bump of self- +confidence that was supported by a strong reserve resolution not +to let anybody get ahead of me. I had all the assurance of a man +double my years and an easy way of making acquaintances that was +destined to stand me in good stead, but I do not wish to be understood +as admitting that my manners were offensive or that I was in any +degree supercilious. I was simply a good fellow who had always +enjoyed the comradeship of other good fellows, and as a result felt +reasonably sure that the rest of the world would treat him kindly. +Moreover, I could dissemble without difficulty and, if occasion +arose, could give the impression of being a diffident and modest +young man, ready and anxious to order himself "lowly and humbly +before his betters." + +Yet I had seen enough of the world to know that unless a man puts +a high appraisal upon his attainments and ability no one else is +likely to do so, and that the public takes one, nine times out of +ten, at his own valuation. Coming on the clay itself: I wore my +hair rather long, with an appreciable modicum of bear's grease well +rubbed in, side whiskers and white beaver, and carried a carpet +bag on which was embroidered a stag's head in yellow on a background +of green worsted. And the principal fact to be observed in this +connection is that, instead of creating a smile as I passed out of +the Grand Central Station, I was probably regarded as a rather +smart and stylishly dressed young man. + +I had a card to some young actors in the city, given me by my +Thespian friends in Boston, and it proved but a short trip on the +horse-cars down Fourth Avenue to the locality, near the Academy of +Music, then as now frequented by the fraternity. I began my +professional career, then, by taking lodgings in an actors' boarding- +house, and I am free to confess that at the time I was undecided +whether to follow the bar or the boards. I have since frequently +observed that the same qualities make for success in both, and had +it not been for the fact that I found my new friends somewhat down +at the heels and their rate of emolument exceedingly low, as well +as for a certain little incident to be recounted shortly, I might +well have joined the group of future Booths and Forrests that +loitered along the near-by Rialto, looking for jobs as Roman soldiers +or footmen in some coming production. + +But the change from my well-appointed lodgings in Cambridge and my +luxurious surroundings at the Cock and Spur to a distinctly shabby +theatrical boarding-house, where the guests plainly exhibited traces +of the lack of proper ablutional facilities and the hallways smelt +of cabbage and onions, was a distinct shock to my highly sensitive +tastes. However, my new acquaintances proved warm-hearted and +hospitable and did everything in their power to make me feel at my +ease, with the result that in spite of the cabbage and the wooden +slats that served as springs in my bed--which nearly filled the +rear hall bed-room I had hired for one week at four dollars and +twenty-five cents--I resolved to postpone entering upon an active +career until I should know the city better and have made a few +friends. + +Those of my new comrades who were lucky enough to have employment +did not rise in the morning until the neighborhood of twelve o'clock, +and those who had no employment at all followed their example. I +thus found myself adopting of necessity, as it were, the pleasant +practice of sauntering out on Broadway after a one o'clock breakfast, +and of spending most of the afternoon, evening, and following +morning in or about the same locality. We usually went to some +theatrical show on what was known as "paper," and I afterward joined +my actor friends at a restaurant, where we sang songs and told +stories until the gas-lamps were extinguished and gray dawn crept +over the house-tops. Downtown--into the mysterious district of +Wall Street--I did not, as yet, go, and I might still be haunting +the stage entrances of the theatres had it not been for an adventure +in which I was an involuntary participant. + +It so happened that among my new acquaintances was a careless, +rattle-brained youth known as Toby Robinson, who in spite of some +histrionic ability was constantly losing his job and always in +debt. He was a smooth-faced, rather stout, good-natured-looking +person, of the sort who is never supposed to have done harm to +anybody. Not long before he had enjoyed a salary of fourteen +dollars per week, but having overslept several times running he +had been discharged for absence from rehearsals. He had reached +the limit of his resources about the time of my arrival in the city +and had been in a most lugubrious frame of mind when I first had +the honor of his acquaintance. Suddenly, however, he appeared one +day with a large roll of bills and entered upon a period of +lubrication and open-handed hospitality, in which we all participated. +During this season of good cheer, as Toby and I were strolling down +Broadway one afternoon, an ugly looking man who had been following +us stepped forward and, touching my friend on the shoulder, said +gruffly: + +"The captain wants to see you." + +The uttering of these cryptic syllables produced a most extraordinary +effect upon my companion, for he turned deadly pale and the +perspiration collected in beads upon his temples, while he commenced +to wring his hands and bemoan his ill fortune. + +"What is the trouble?" I inquired in great solicitude. + +The belligerent stranger, however, pushing between us, grasped Toby +firmly by the arm and marched him across the street, while I trailed +behind in the nature of a rear guard. I had already begun to +suspect that the ugly man was none other than an officer of the +law, and visions of myself locked up in jail as a possible accomplice, +although innocent of wrong-doing, hovered in my mind. Toby, giving +every indication of guilt, slouched along beside his captor, +occasionally glancing shamefacedly over his shoulder. + +We were now nearing a police station, and our companion, for the +first time showing any sign of personal interest, inquired if we +had a lawyer. On receiving a negative reply, the officer strongly +recommended our immediately retaining counsel in the person of one +Gottlieb, who could be found across the street from the police +station and whose precise whereabout were made obvious by means of +a large sign about six feet by three and one-half in size, reading +as follows: + + ABRAHAM GOTTLIEB'S + LAW OFFICE + NOTARY DEEDS + RENTS COLLECTED BAIL BONDS + INSURANCE GENERAL ADVICE + +Without giving Toby time for consideration the officer led us across +the street and into the stuffy little den occupied by the lawyer. + +"Here's the gent I told you of," said he, nodding in the direction +of a hawk-faced little man smoking a vile cigar, who was sitting +with his feet upon a table. "I'll leave you alone," he added, and +sauntering across the threshold, took his stand in front of the +window outside. + +"Howdy," remarked Gottlieb, without arising or removing his cigar. +"Mike tells me you're charged with obtaining money by false +pretences." + +"What!" gasped Toby, grasping the table for support. "False +pretences!" + +"Flying a bit of bad paper, eh? Come now, didn't you cash a check +on the Cotton Exchange Bank for about six hundred dollars when +there was only fifteen on deposit? Don't try to bluff me. I know +your sort. Lucky if you don't get ten years." + +"Save me!" wailed Toby. "Yes, I did cash a check, come to think +of it, for that amount, but I had no idea my account had run so +low." + +Mr. Gottlieb spat into a sawdust box under the table and winked +with great deliberation. + +"How much have you got left?" he inquired indifferently. + +Tony delved into his breeches and with trembling hands produced a +roll of bills still of some dignity. Gottlieb stretched forth a +claw, took them, placed them in his own pocket, and then swung his +feet to the floor with alacrity. + +"Come on, my lads," he exclaimed, "and I'll show you how we get +the sinners off! All right, Mike." And he led the way across the +street and into the station-house, where poor Toby was searched +and his pedigree taken down by the clerk. It being at this time +only about eleven in the morning we were then conducted to the +nearest police court, where we found in attendance the unfortunate +hotel keeper who had so unwisely honored Toby's check. + +"You rascal!" he shouted, struggling to reach my unfortunate friend. +"I'll show you how to take other people's money! I'll put you +where you belong!" But the officers haled him back and he was +forced to restrain himself until the could tell his story to the +judge. This, it so happened, was not to be for several hours, and +during this interval Gottlieb mysteriously vanished and as mysteriously +reappeared. It was half after three before the judge announced +that he would take up Toby's case. Now, the judge looked even more +of a rascal than did Gottlieb, which was paying his Honor a high +compliment, and I suspect that it was for this reason that the +complainant had in the meantime sent round for his own lawyer to +represent him. We were now pushed forward and huddled into a small +space in front of the rail, while the lawyers took their places +upon the platform before us. + +"Your Honor," began the lawyer for the hotel man, "this fellow here +has swindled my client out of six hundred dollars by inducing him +to cash a worthless check." + +"What have you to say, Mr. Gottlieb?" asked the judge. + +"Confession and avoidance, your Honor," replied the attorney, with +what appeared to me to be the slightest possible drawing down of +his right eyelid. "Confession and avoidance. We admit the fact, +but we deny the imputation of guilt. My client, Mr. Robinson, +whose abilities as an actor have no doubt hitherto given your Honor +much pleasure, was so careless as to forget the precise amount of +his bank account and happened to draw a check for too large an +amount. No one was more surprised and horrified at the discovery +than he. And his intention is at once to reimburse in full the +complainant, whose action in having him arrested seems most +extraordinary and reprehensible." + +"Your Honor," interrupted the other lawyer, "were there the slightest +possibility of any such outcome I should be glad to withdraw the +charge; but, as a matter of fact, this person is a worthless, lazy +fellow who has not a cent to his name, and who induced my client +to cash his check by leading him to believe that he was a man of +substance and position. No doubt he has spent the money, and if +not we might as well try to squeeze it out of a stone. This fellow +is guilty of a crime and he ought to be punished. I ask your Honor +to hold him for the grand jury." + +"Well, Mr. Gottlieb," remarked the judge, "tell me, if you can, +why I should not lock your client up. Did he not falsely pretend, +by requesting the complainant to cash the check, that he had money +in the bank to meet it?" + +"By no means, your Honor," answered Gottlieb. "The proffering of +a check with a request for money thereon is merely asking that the +money be advanced on the faith that the bank will honor the demand +made upon it. One who cashes a check does so at his own risk. He +has a full remedy at civil law, and if the bank refuses to pay no +crime has been committed. This is not a case for the penal law." + +"That seems reasonable," said the judge, turning to the other. +"How do you make this out a crime? What false pretence is there +in merely inviting another to cash a check?" + +"Why," answered the attorney, "if I ask you to cash a check for +me, do I not represent that I have a right to draw upon the bank +for the amount set forth? If not, no one would ever cash a check. +The innocent person who advances the money has the right to assume +that the borrower is not offering him a bad check. There is a +tacit representation that the check is good or that the maker has +funds in the bank to meet it." + +"True--true!" nodded his Honor. "There is something in what you +say. What answer can you make to that, Brother Gottlieb?" + +"I have a hundred good arguments," replied the lawyer in a low +tone. Then he added briskly: "But the intent, your Honor! There +can be no crime without a wrongful intent; and how can there have +been any such when my client honestly believed that he had the +money in the bank to meet the check?" + +"But," cried the other, "he knew very well he had not!" + +"What evidence have you to that effect?" queried Gottlieb. "You +say so, to be sure, but I, on the contrary, assert that he was +perfectly honest in the matter. Now, there is absolutely nothing +in this case to prove that he had any guilty knowledge to the effect +that his account was too low to meet the draft in question. You +have proven no scienter whatever." + +"Ah!" exclaimed the judge. "That is it! You have shown no +scienter!" + +"Exactly!" cried Gottlieb--"no scienter at all." + +"But how in the world could I have proved a scienter?" wrathfully +demanded the lawyer. "I can't pry open the prisoner's skull and +exhibit his evil intent." + +"No, but you could have shown that he knew he had only a few dollars +in the bank by the fact that he had previously tried to cash a +similar check and that it had been returned. In any event, my own +mind is clear on the subject. You have shown no scienter. The +prisoner is discharged." + +Poor Toby was so overcome by his unexpected release that he began +to stammer out incoherent expressions of gratitude to the judge, +such as "Oh, thank you, your Honor! God bless your Honor! Thank +you, your Honor! I am an innocent man, your Honor!" until Gottlieb, +grasping him by the arm, dragged him away from the rail and pushed +him into the street. The complainant and his attorney indignantly +followed us, the former loudly deploring the way modern justice +was administered. Once outside Gottlieb shook hands with Toby and +told him if he were ever in trouble again to look him up without +fail. Toby promised gratefully to do so, and the lawyer was about +to leave us and enter his office when it occurred to me that he +still had my friend's roll of bills. + +"But, Mr. Gottlieb," said I, "you are going to return Mr. Robinson's +money to him, are you not?" + +"What!" he exclaimed, growing frightfully angry. "Give him back +his money! I have no money of his. It is he owes me money for +keeping him out of jail." + +"But how about the roll of bills?" I protested. "You certainly do +not intend to keep all of that?" + +"Certainly--that is my fee," he retorted calmly; "and small enough +it is too!" + +"How much was there in that roll, Toby?" I asked. + +"About five hundred dollars," answered my friend. "But let him +keep it, by all means!" + +"Why," I exclaimed, "he has done nothing to earn such a fee. He +merely got up and said that you had no scienter--whatever that is. +It is not worth more than ten dollars." + +"Ten dollars!" shouted Gottlieb. "Ten dollars! Why scienter is +one of the most complicated and technical defences known to the +law. Ten dollars! Scienter is worth a thousand! Your rascally +friend got his money for nothing, didn't he? He's lucky to be +outside the bars--for if I ever saw a guilty man he's one. Get +along, both of you, or I'll call an officer!" + +And with that Gottlieb slipped inside his office and banged the +door. + +"Come along, Quib!" urged Tony; "there's a great deal of truth in +what he says. I don't begrudge it to him. It was well worth it +to me." + +"Lord!" I groaned. "Five hundred dollars just for scienter. If +that is the law, then I'll turn lawyer." + +And with that idea growing more firmly each moment in my mind I +returned to the boarding-house with my friend. + + +CHAPTER III + +I am free to confess that the ease with which Counsellor Gottlieb +had deprived my friend Toby of the ill-gotten proceeds of his check +--or, for his sake putting it more politely, had earned his fee-- +was the chief and inducing cause that led me to adopt the law as +a career. I shall not pretend that I had any lofty aims or ambitions, +felt any regard for its dignity or fascination for the mysteries +of its science when I selected it for my profession. My objects +were practical--my ambition to get the largest financial return +consonant with the least amount of work. My one concrete experience +of the law had opened my eyes to its possibilities in a way that +I had never dreamed of, and I resolved to lose no time in placing +myself in a position to rescue others from harm on the same pecuniary +basis as did Mr. Gottlieb. + +Of course I realized that I must serve an apprenticeship, and indeed +the law required that were I not a graduate of a law school that +I must have worked as a clerk for two years before I could be +admitted to the bar. Accordingly I began to make inquiries as to +what were the best law firms in the city, and before long had +acquired pretty definite information as to who were and who were +not in high standing. Now, I had no letters of introduction and +nothing to recommend me except a certain degree of maturity and a +cultivated manner of speaking, and I might and probably should have +been trying to this day to break into some sedate and high-toned +old-fogy office had it not been for one of those accidents with +which my career has been replete. + +I had visited all the firms on my list without finding any who +wanted to take in a student. Indeed all the offices seemed filled +if not crowded with studious-looking young men whose noses were +buried in law books. In one or two, to be sure, I might have +secured admittance and been given desk room in exchange for the +services of my legs as a runner of errands and a server of papers, +but none had any idea of paying anything. The profession at the +bottom was more overcrowded than the gallery of the Academy of +Music when they ran Rosedale. Each night as I returned to my +lodgings I felt more and more discouraged. Its smell of cabbage +came to have for me an inexpressible sensation of relief, of +protection, even of luxury. Here, at any rate, even in an actors' +boarding-house, I was independent, as good as anybody, and not +regarded as if I were a beggar on the one hand or a questionable +character on the other. + +How long this might have continued I have no means of knowing, but +one afternoon as I was trudging uptown, still holding in my hand +a copy of a legal journal, the advertisements in which I had been +engaged in sedulously running down, my attention was attracted by +a crowd gathered in the street around a young man who had been so +unfortunate as to be run over by a stage. There was nothing external +to indicate the extent of his injuries, and as I drew nearer two +persons assisted him to his feet and began to lead him toward the +nearest store. Having nothing better to do I walked along with +them, and after they had gone inside remained looking curiously +through the window. While I was thus engaged a stout, bustling +man of about forty years of age came hurrying down the sidewalk +and turned to enter the store. As he did he observed me apparently +waiting there and his eye with a quick glance took in the title of +the paper in my hand. Instantly he stepped up beside me and tapping +me on the arm said in a low tone: + +"Whom do you represent?" + +I was somewhat taken aback by this inquiry, not seeing at the moment +its immediate relation to the business at hand, but for want of a +better answer I replied in the same spirit: + +"Artemas Quibble." + +"Oh! Quibble, eh! I've heard of him. But look here, my young +friend, there is no reason why honest men should cut one another's +throats. Tell my friend Quibble I was here before ye and keep this +for yourself." + +And with that he peeled a twenty-dollar bill from the top of a +heavy roll that he produced from his pocket and placed it within +my palm. + +"Very good," said I. "It may cost me dear if Quibble hears of it, +but a man must live, and I work at starvation wages." + +I placed the bill in my breast pocket and made way for him to enter +the store, which he did without more ado. Why this busy gentleman +should gratuitously present me with twenty dollars did not at the +moment occur to me. I continued on my way northward, pondering +upon the question, and passed the street upon which the police +court was located and Counsellor Gottlieb had his office. The +thought came into my mind that here was the very person to shed +light upon the subject and I turned the corner and opened the door. +Gottlieb was in his customary position with his feet elevated upon +the table before him. + +"Well," he said, "I didn't expect you back so soon." + +"I've come for free advice this time," I answered. + +"Oh," he grunted. "Well, in that case perhaps you won't get it." + +Somehow I had taken a shine to the fellow, for all his robbery of +poor Toby, and I admired his quickness of perception and readiness +of speech. Perhaps he too felt not unkindly toward me. At any +rate I told him my story. + +"Now," says I, "what d'ye make of it?" + +Gottlieb laughed. + +"Was he a fat little turkey with gray eyes?" he inquired. + +"The same," I replied. + +"Then it was Tom Kelly," he answered. "On his daily still hunt +for the maimed, the halt and the blind. You say the chap had been +run over by the stage? Well, Tom'll take his case on a contingent +fee--fifty per cent. to Tom and fifty per cent. to the client of +all that comes of it--bring an action against the stage line and +recover heavy damages. Oh, it's terrible to think what that poor +injured young man will suffer. To-day he may feel quite well, but +to-morrow he will have all kinds of pains in his head and eyes, +his spine will ache, he will experience symptoms of a nervous +breakdown. He will retire to bed and not emerge for six months, +and when he does he'll be a hopeless and helpless cripple for life. +Tom is an artist, he is, in his own line. They tell me he made +sixty thousand last year out of his accident practice alone. Why, +the case he gave you twenty to keep out of may net him five thousand +dollars." + +"If I'd known that it would have cost him fifty!" I said, feeling +that an unjust advantage had been taken of me. + +"Twenty is the regular rate," answered Gottlieb. "There are too +many chances to make it worth much more merely to get the other +fellow out of the way. Sometimes, though, I've paid as high as +fifteen hundred for a case." + +"Fifteen hundred!" exclaimed I. + +"Yes, and got a verdict of nineteen thousand, of which I pocketed +ninety-five hundred and four hundred dollars costs besides." + +"Whew!" I whistled. + +"Oh, there's pretty good pickin's on occasion even for a police- +court lawyer," he continued; "but it's nothin' to the return from +what I might call legitimate practice. Now, there's old Haight, +of Haight & Foster, for instance. He gets half a dozen twenty- +thousand-dollar fees every year, and all he has is strictly old- +fashioned probate and real-estate practice and a little of this +new-fangled railroad business. My great regret is that I didn't +stick to regular trade instead of going after easy money. Who's +Gottlieb now? Just a police-court lawyer, when he might be arguing +before the Supreme Court of the United States! My brain's just as +good as Haight's. I've licked him many a time in my young days. +And then I get tired of all this hogwash! I tell you it's dirty +business, most of it!" + +"Well," I answered, remembering "scienter," "I've no doubt that +you could beat them all. But I fancy you have nothing to complain +of in the way of returns, yourself. What worries me is how to get +any start at all. I've tried half the law offices in town." + +Gottlieb listened with some interest as I outlined my experiences. + +"But," he exclaimed, "you didn't go to the right person. You should +have tackled the head of the firm himself. Find some sort of +introduction. Flatter him. Offer to work for nothing--and, trust +me, he'll have you. Now, my advice is to go straight to old Haight +and make up your mind to get into his office willy-nilly. It'll +be worth three thousand a year to you to graduate from there. +It'll give you the tone you need in the profession. There are two +qualities that make for the highest success in the law--honesty +and dishonesty. To get ahead you must have one or the other. You +must either be so irreproachable in your conduct and elevated in +your ideals that your reputation for virtue becomes your chief +asset, or, on the other hand, so crooked that your very dishonesty +makes you invaluable to your clients. Both kinds of lawyers are +equally in demand. Some cases require respectability and some +dirty work. But the crooked lawyer has got to be so crooked that +everybody is afraid of him, even the judge. Now, the trouble with +me is that I'm too honest. Sometimes I wish I were a crook like +the rest of them!" + +He sighed deeply and slowly drew down his left eyelid. + +"Thank you, Mr. Gottlieb," said I, suppressing an inclination to +smile. "I'll take your advice. Perhaps you'll let me talk to +you again later on." + +"Come as often as you like," he replied. "And look you, young- +feller-me-lad, I'll give you half of all the profits I make out of +any business you bring me. You don't have to be a lawyer to get +clients. Hustle around among your friends and drum up some trade +and you'll do almost as well as if you could try cases yourself. +For every dollar I earn you get another. Is it a go?" + +"Surely!" I cried. "And if I'm not very much mistaken I'll not be +long about it, for I have an idea or two in my head already." + +The next day I again presented myself at the office of Haight & +Foster, where I had already applied for a position to the chief +clerk. This time I asked for the head of the firm himself, and I +was amused to see that whereas before I had been almost kicked out +of the office, I was now treated with the respect due to a possible +client. After a wait of some twenty minutes I was ushered into a +large sunny office lined with books and overlooking the lower East +River. Mr. Haight was a wrinkled old man with a bald scalp covered +with numerous brown patches about the size of ten-cent pieces. A +fringe of white hair hung about his ears, over one of which was +stuck a goose-quill pen. He looked up from his desk as I entered +and eyed me sharply. + +"Well, Mr. Quibble," he began gruffly, as if he were about to add, +"out with what you have to say, young man, and be gone as soon as +possible!" + +"Mr. Haight," said I with great defence, "I have called on you at +the suggestion of my guardian and trustee, Mr. Tuckerman Toddleham, +of Barristers' Hall, Boston, to inquire whether I may not be allowed +the great privilege of a desk in your office. I am a Harvard man, +born in Salem, and of an old Massachusetts family. Ever since I +made up my mind as a boy to enter the law it has been my ambition +to study in your office; and, I may add, it is also the earnest +hope of my guardian, Mr. Toddleham." + +"Do you refer to the Mr. Toddleham of 'Toddleham on Perpetuities'?" +he asked with some interest. + +"The same," I answered, for although I had never heard of the work +in question, it seemed just the sort for old Toddleham's production. + +"I am glad to know you, Mr. Quibble," he exclaimed, extending his +hand. "I have often wished that I could meet your guardian and +ask the great Mr. Toddleham face to face what he really thinks of +the Rule in Shelley's Case--what do you think of it? What _was_ +the Rule in Shelley's Case, may I ask?" + +Now, I had never heard of the rule in question, so for want of a +better answer I replied: + +"The law is no respecter of person. I suppose the rule was _the +same in his case as in any other_." + +Mr. Haight looked at me strangely for a moment and suddenly began +to chuckle. Then he eyed me again and chuckled still more. Finally +he laid aside all modestly and hugged himself with delight. + +"I see that you are a man of _esprit!_" he remarked between spasms. +"I shall be glad to take you into my office. You may go and +introduce yourself to Mr. Spruggins, the chief clerk." + +Thus it was that I secured my first slender foothold at the bar of +New York, and it was not for several years that I discovered that +the Toddleham who had written the book on Perpetuities was an +entirely different person, belonging to another branch of the +family. + +Of course I received no compensation for my services at Haight & +Foster's, but that was the customary rule with all students. As +a result we were not strictly tied down in our attendance at the +office. I really believe it would have been cheaper for the firm +to have paid a small salary to their clerks, for it would then have +been in a position to demand much more of them in return. As it +was I found myself able to come and go about as I chose, and being +obliged to support myself in some way my attendance at the office +was quite irregular. But I was started at last and belonged +somewhere. No longer was it necessary for me to wander about the +streets looking for a place to hang my hat, and I already had +schemes in mind whereby I was soon to become rich. + +My associates in the office were all scholarly, respectable young +men, most of them law-school graduates and scions of well-known +families, and I was not insensible to the advantage to me that my +connection with them might be later on. It was essential that I +should impress them and the firm with my seriousness of purpose, +and so I made it a point, unpleasant as I found it, to be on hand +at the office every morning promptly at eight-thirty o'clock, ready +to arrange papers or serve them, and to be of any assistance, no +matter how menial, to Mr. Spruggins, whose sense of dignity I took +pains to flatter in every way possible. In the afternoon, however, +I slipped away on the pretext of having to go uptown to study, but +in point of fact in order to earn enough money to pay for my board +and lodging. + +I had been cogitating several ideas since I had visited Gottlieb, +and the one that appealed to me the most was that of procuring of +business for other lawyers upon a percentage basis. I reasoned +that there must be several hundred thousand people in the city who +had no acquaintance with lawyers and would be as ready to consult +one as another. Reputable lawyers did not advertise, to be sure, +but I was not yet a lawyer, and hence many courses were open to me +at this stage in my career that would be closed later on. I had +considerable confidence in my own persuasive ability and felt that +it was only a question of time before I could drum up a substantial +amount of business. Accordingly I had a few cards neatly printed +on glossed board reading: + + MR. ARTEMAS QUIBBLE + BROADWAY + OF + HAIGHT & FOSTER Contracts + ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW Mortgages + 10 WALL STREET Tax Matters + NEW YORK CITY General Advice + +The Haight & Foster end of the card was done in very heavy type, +while my own name was comparatively inconspicuous. Further to +assist my plans I rented a tiny office not far from Madison Square +for the sum of two dollars per week and furnished it with a table, +two chairs, and an inkpot. The door bore the inscription: + + OFFICE OF + ARTEMAS QUIBBLE, ESQ. + COUNSELLOR + +The reader will observe that not being authorized as yet to practice +as an attorney I was scrupulous not to hold myself out as one. +"Counsellor" might mean anything. Certainly I had the right to +give counsel to such as desired it. Here I might be found at and +after half-past one of every day, having already done five hours' +work at the office of Haight & Foster. I still had enough funds +to carry me for some three weeks and so felt no immediate anxiety +as to the future, but I realized that I must lose no time in getting +out my tentacles if I were to drag in any business. Accordingly +I made myself acquainted with the managers and clerks of the +neighboring hotels, giving them the impression, so far as I could, +that Haight & Foster had opened an uptown office and that I was in +charge of it. I made friends also with the proprietors and barkeepers +of the adjacent saloons, of which there were not a few, and left +plenty of my cards with them for distribution to such of their +customers as might need legal assistance, in each case promising +that any business which they secured would be liberally rewarded. +In short, I made myself generally known in the locality and planted +the seed of cupidity in the hearts of several hundreds of impecunious +persons. It was very necessary for me to net ten dollars per week +to live, and under the circumstances it seemed reasonable to believe +that I could do so. + +Almost at the outset I had a piece of luck, for a guest at a Fifth +Avenue hotel was suddenly stricken with a severe illness and desired +to make a will. It was but a few days after I had called upon the +manager, and, having me fresh in his mind, he sent for me. The +sick man proved to be a wealthy Californian who was too far gone +to care who drew his will so long as it was drawn at all, and I +jotted down his bequests and desires by his bedside. I had originally +intended to go at once to Mr. Haight and turn the matter over to +him, but my client seemed so ill that it appeared hardly necessary. +I persuaded myself with the argument that the affair required a +more immediate attention than the office could give, and accordingly +decided to draw the will myself and incidentally to earn the whole +fee. The proceeding seemed honest enough, since, although I had +been introduced as representing Haight & Foster, the sick man had +never heard of them before and obviously did not care one way or +the other. + +I had never drawn a will or any other legal paper, but I lost no +time in slipping around to Gottlieb's office and borrowing a work +on surrogates' practice, including forms, with which under my arm +I hurried back to my office. Here after a good many unsuccessful +attempts I produced a document sufficiently technical to satisfy +almost any layman and probably calculated to defeat every wish of +the testator. Of this, however, I was quite ignorant, and do myself +the justice to say that, had not that been the case, I would not +have attempted what I now know to have been an impossible task for +one of my lack of legal education. I carefully engrossed the will +in long hand on fresh foolscap, ornamented it with seals and ribbons +and, returning to the hotel, superintended its execution. My client +asked my how much was my fee and I modestly replied--as I never +expected to see him again this side of the grave--that my charge +would be one hundred and fifty dollars. He nodded, and indicating +his pocketbook, told me to help myself, which I did, regretting +not having asked for more. That night he died, and my impromptu +will was forwarded to California and became the subject of a +litigation lasting over eleven years and costing several hundred +thousand dollars. + +It thus happened that my eagerness to begin to build up my material +fortunes, coupled with the necessity of having a technical connection +with a regular firm of lawyers, resulted in my leading a sort of +double legal existence. In the morning I was a mere drudge or +office devil, in the afternoon I was Counsellor Quibble, head of +his own office and my own master. Having now a capital of one +hundred and fifty dollars I was in a position to put one of my +schemes into practice, and accordingly I drew up with great care +the following instrument, copies of which I had struck off by a +theatrical job printer near by: + +====================================================================== +THIS AGREEMENT made this . . . . day of . . . . . . . . , 1878, +between . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , of the City and County +of New York, party of the first part, and Artemas Quibble, Esquire, +of the same, party of the second part, WITNESSETH: + +That the said party of the first part in consideration of one dollar +to him in hand paid upon the first day of each month by the party +of the second part, hereby covenants and agrees to employ at a +reduced rate the said party of the second part to look after all +the legal matters that my arise in his business and to recommend +said party of the second part to his friends and acquaintances as +a suitable person to perform the like services for them; in the +latter event the said party of the first part to receive as a +further consideration a commission of one-third of the fees of the +party of the second part procured therefrom. + +IN WITNESS WHEREOF we have hereunto set our hands and seals the +day and year above named. + +...................................(*) +...................................(*) +====================================================================== + +Armed with these insinuating documents I procured a fresh roll of +one hundred one-dollar bills and set forth to interview all whose +acquaintance I had made in the course of my brief residence in the +city. My argument ran thus: Almost anybody would be willing to +receive a dollar every month in return for a service that would +cost him nothing. With an outlay of one hundred dollars I could +have a hundred persons virtually in my employ trying to get me +business. After the first month I could discontinue with those +who seemed likely to prove unremunerative. Almost any case would +return in fees as much as my original disbursement. On the whole +it seemed a pretty safe investment and the formal-looking contract +would tend to increase the sense of obligation upon the contracting +party of the first part. Nor did my forecast of the probabilities +prove at all wide of the mark. Practically every one to whom I +put the proposition readily accepted my dollar and signed the +agreement, and at the end of a week my one hundred dollars had been +distributed among all the cab drivers, conductors, waiters, elevator +men, clerks, bartenders, actors, hall boys, and storekeepers that +I knew or with whom I could scrape an acquaintance. None of them +expected to have any business of their own and all welcomed with +delight the idea of profiting by the misfortunes of their friends. + +I had often lost or won at a single sitting at cards a much larger +sum than the one I was now risking in what seemed an excellent +business proposition, so that the money involved caused me no +uneasiness. Besides, I had fifty dollars left in my pocket. +Meantime I spent my evening in my office reading Blackstone and +such text-books as I cared to borrow from the well-equipped library +of my employers. + +Business came, however, with unexpected promptitude. At the end +of the first week I had received calls from two actors who desired +to sue their managers for damages for breach of contract, five +waiters who wished to bring actions for wages due, and actress who +wanted a separation from her husband, a bartender who was charged +with assault for knocking the teeth of an unruly customer down his +throat, and a boy whose leg had been caught under an elevator and +crushed. Each of these I made sign an agreement that I should +receive half of any sum recovered in consideration of seeing that +they received proper legal advice and service, and each of them I +sent over to Counsellor Gottlieb, with whom I executed a mutual +contract to divide evenly the fees received. + +The reader will notice that I did not technically hold myself out +as a lawyer in these contracts, and merely agreed to furnish counsel. +Thus I flattered myself I was keeping on the lee side of the law. +Gottlieb settled the case of the boy for twelve hundred dollars, +and we divided six hundred between us, and the other cases that +came in the first month netted us three hundred dollars apiece +more. The future began to look bright enough, as I had to distribute +as commissions only two hundred dollars, which left me a gross +profit of four hundred dollars. With this I secured fifty new +contracts, and after paying the second installments upon all the +first I pocketed as a net result two hundred and fifty dollars +cash. I now had a growing business at my back, finding it necessary +to employ an office assistant, and accordingly selected for that +purpose an old actor who was no longer able to walk the boards, +but who still retained the ability to speak his part. For a weekly +wage of ten dollars this elderly gentleman agreed to sit in my +office and hold forth upon my ability, shrewdness, and learning to +all such as called in my absence. In the afternoons I assumed +charge myself and sent him forth armed with contracts to secure +new allies. + +My business soon increased to such an extent that it bid fair to +take up all my time, and the bookkeeping end of it, with its +complicated division of receipts, proved not a little difficult. +The amazement of my friend Gottlieb knew no bounds, but as it was +a profitable arrangement for him he asked no questions and remained +in ignorance as to the source of my stream of clients, until one +of his friends, to whom my assistant had made application, showed +him one of the contracts. That night he sent for me to come to +his office, and after offering me a very large and exceedingly good +Havana cigar delivered himself as follows: + +"Harkee, Quib, you are more of a fellow than I took you for. You +have more cleverness than any man of your years in my acquaintance +at the bar. This scheme of yours, now, it's a veritable gold mine. +Not but that anybody could make use of it. It can't be patented, +you know. But it's excellently devised; no one will deny that. +What do you say to a partnership, eh? On the same terms?" + +Now, I had more than once thought of the same thing myself, but +the idea of associating myself in business with an out-and-out +criminal attorney had to my mind serious drawbacks. We discussed +the matter at length, however, and Gottlieb pointed out very wisely +that I was running a great risk in distributing broadcast cards +upon which appeared the unauthorized name of Haight & Foster, as +well as in conducting an office under my own name, when in fact I +was but an attorney's clerk downtown. My connection and association +with such a reputable firm was an asset not to be jeopardized +lightly, and he advised my withdrawing so far as I could all my +cards from circulation and conducting my business _sub rosa_. In +the end we came to an understanding which we reduced to writing. +I was to become a silent partner in Gottlieb's business and my +office was to become a branch of his, my own name being entirely +in abeyance. On the whole, this arrangement pleased me very well, +as under it I ran practically no risk of having my activities +discovered by my employers. + +It is somewhat difficult to know just in what order to present +these memoirs to the reader, for from this time on my life became +a very varied one. Had I the time I should like nothing better +than to paint for my own satisfaction an old-fashioned law office +as it was conducted in the 'seventies--its insistent note of +established respectability, the suppressed voices of its young men, +their obvious politeness to each other and defence to clients, +their horror at anything vulgar, the quiet, the irritating quiet, +Mr. Wigger's red wig--he was the engrossing clerk--the lifelessness +of the atmosphere of the place, as if nothing real ever happened +there, and as if the cases we prepared and tried were of interest +only on account of the legal points involved. When I was there, +filing papers in their dusty packages, I used to feel as though I +was fumbling among the dust of clients long since dead and gone. +The place stifled and depressed me. I longed for red blood and +real life. There I was, acting as a clerk on nothing a year, when +uptown I was in the centre of the whirlpool of existence. It was +with ill-concealed gratification that I used daily at one o'clock +to enter the library, bow to whatever member of the firm happened +to be there, remove a book from the shelves and slip out of the +door. A horse-car dropped me in half an hour at a hotel near my +office. After I had snatched a sandwich and a cup of coffee in +the café I would dash up to my office--the door of which now bore +the lettering: + + ABRAHAM GOTTLIEB + ATTORNEY & COUNSELLOR-AT-LAW + BRANCH OFFICE + SIDDONS KELLY, MANAGER + +Siddons Kelly was the superannuated actor of whom I have already +spoken, and when he was not, so to speak, in drink he was an +invaluable person. He had followed the stage all his life, but he +was of the sort that tear passion to tatters and he had never risen +above third-rate parts. In every respect save declamation he had +all the elegances and charm of manner that the stage can give, and +he would receive and bow out a scrubwoman who had fallen down a +flight of back stairs and wanted to make the landlord pay for her +broken head with a grace truly Chesterfieldian. This was all very +fine until he had taken a drop too much, when his vocabulary would +swell to such dimensions that the confused and embarrassed client +would flee in self-protection unless fortunate enough to be rescued +by Gottlieb or myself. Poor Kelly! He was a fine old type. And +many a client then and later was attracted to my office by his +refined and intellectual old face with its locks of silky gray. +An old bachelor, he died alone one night in his little boarding- +house with a peaceful smile on his wrinkled face. He lies in +Greenwood Cemetery. Over him is a simple stone--for which I paid +--bearing, as he had requested, only the words: + + SIDDONS KELLEY + AN ACTOR + +As may well be supposed, my professional career uptown was vastly +more entertaining than my experiences at Haight & Foster's. My +afternoons were filled with a constant procession of clients of +all ages, sexes, colors, and conditions. As the business grew and +greater numbers of persons signed our contracts and received their +honorarium of a dollar a month, a constantly increasing percentage +of criminal or semi-criminal cases came to the office. Of course +there was no better criminal lawyer than Gottlieb in the city, and +before long the criminals outnumbered our civil clients. At the +same time I noticed a tendency on the part of the civil business +to fall off, the reason for this probably being that my partner +was known only as a criminal attorney. Now, I began to dislike +the idea of paying a dollar a month to induce people to refer +business to us, and indeed I found that the disbursement of five +or six hundred dollars every four weeks for this purpose was no +trifling matter. Accordingly I decided to try letting them go for +a month or so, but business fell off to such an alarming extent +that I almost immediately resumed the contract system, merely +reducing its proportions. + +In addition to our "dollar-a-monthers," as we called them, Gottlieb +employed half a dozen professional "runners," whose sole occupation +it was to hunt down unfortunate persons injured accidentally and +secure their cases. These employees made a business of joining as +many social clubs, labor and other organizations as possible and +swinging the business in Gottlieb's direction. At one time the +competition for accident cases became so fierce that if a man were +run over on Broadway the rival runners would almost tear him limb +from limb in their eagerness to get his case; and they would follow +a dying man to the hospital and force their way on one pretext or +another to his bedside. There used to be a story, which went the +rounds of the clubs and barrooms, of a very swell old buck who owed +an enormous amount of money and who happened to be knocked down +and rendered insensible by a butcher's wagon. He was taken to the +hospital and did not regain consciousness for several hours. When +at last he opened his eyes he saw several dozen cards plastered +upon the ceiling directly over his head, reading: + + GO TO + LEVY & FINKLESTEIN + ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW + WE GET YOU MONEY! + + TRY + EINSTEIN & GOLDBERG + IN THE BUSINESS 30 YEARS + + SOLOMONS & MEYER + ATTORNEYS + CAN GET YOU + $5000 FOR A LEG + $10,000 FOR A LIVER + + MOSES BLOOM + THE HONEST LAWYER + + SAMUEL SHARP + COUNSELLOR-AT-LAW + +"Ah!" he murmured, rubbing his eyes and turning to the nurse; "I +thought I was in some strange place, but I see that all my friends +have been to call already!" + +Our criminal business, however, was so extensive that it took +practically all of Gottlieb's time, and he found it necessary to +hire a couple of clerks to attend to the civil cases that came to +us. My partner was obliged to spend the whole of almost every day +in attendance at the criminal courts. Frequently he remarked +jestingly that under the circumstances, as he had to give all his +time to it anyway, he could as easily attend to _all_ the criminal +business of the city as to the small part of it that came to him. + +"Well," I said to him one day, "why don't you?" + +"Why don't I what?" he retorted. + +"Get all the criminal business there is," I answered. + +"Quib," he exclaimed excitedly, "have you got another of your +ideas?" + +"I think so," I returned. "How does this strike you? Why not +issue a policy, like life or accident insurance, in which for a +moderate sum you agree to defend _free of charge_ any man accused +of crime? You know that every criminal is always trying to save +up money against the time when he shall be caught and have to hire +a lawyer. Now, it is true that these fellows pay very well, but +there are not many that can pay a large fee. If you could get +enough crooks to take out a policy at ten dollars per year you +might make a good thing of it." + +"But how would we get our scheme going?" inquired my partner, with +a gleam in his eye. "It certainly is a gold mine, if it will work." + +"Leave the thing to me," I admonished him. + +That evening I drew up with great care a policy of insurance against +the loss occasioned by having to employ counsel if arrested for +crime. On its back was indorsed the following insidious philosophy: + +"Innocent men, as well as guilty, are frequently arrested for +violating the law. This costs money. Lawyers are notorious +extortioners. For ten dollars a year we guarantee to defend you +_for nothing_ if charged with crime. Twenty-five dollars insures +entire family. We make no distinction between ex-convicts and +others. + +"ABRAHAM GOTTLIEB, +"Of Counsel." + +My next task was to boom my scheme by successful advertising, and +with this in view I persuaded Gottlieb to issue free policies to +a dozen or so of the worst rascals that he knew. Naturally it was +not long before one of them was arrested for some offence, and +Gottlieb as naturally succeeded in getting him off, with the natural +result that the fellow went all over town telling how one could be +a burglar with impunity for ten dollars a year. At about the same +time I heard of a man who was in the Tombs charged with murder, +but who was almost certain to get off on account of the weakness +of the case against him. I, therefore, visited the defendant and +offered to give him a policy for ten dollars, in spite of the fact +that he was already in jail. He snatched readily enough at the +chance of getting as good a lawyer as Gottlieb to defend him for +ten dollars, and when he was acquitted made so much of it that +there was hardly a prisoner in the Tombs who did not send for one +of our policies to guard against future legal difficulties. To +all of these we offered free advice and a free trial upon the +charges pending against them, as a sort of premium or inducement +to become policy-holders, and in six months had over two hundred +subscribers. This meant in cash about two thousand dollars, but +it necessitated defending any or all of them whenever they were so +unfortunate as to run foul of the police, and as luck would have +it out of the two hundred policy-holders forty-seven of them were +arrested within the first six months--fifteen for burglary, eleven +for robbery and assault, sixteen for theft, and five for murder. +These latter cases took all of Gottlieb's working hours for some +seven and a half weeks, at the end of which time he threw up his +hands and vowed never to insure anybody against anything again. +It was impossible for me to try any of the cases myself, as I was +not as yet admitted to the bar, and the end of the matter was that +we returned the premiums and cancelled the policies of the remaining +one hundred and fifty-three insured. This done, Gottlieb and I +heaved sighs of mutual relief. + +"You are a clever fellow, Quib," he acknowledged good-naturedly, +"but in some ways you are ahead of your time. You ought to have +gone into life insurance or railroading. Your genius is wasted on +anything that ain't done wholesale. Let's you and me just stick +to such clients as come our way in the natural course of events. +There isn't any one born yet big enough to do all the criminal law +business in this little old town by himself." + +And in this I with some regret agreed with him. + + +CHAPTER IV + +As I have already taken some pains to indicate, I was fully persuaded +of the practical value of a professional connection with a legal +firm of so eminent a standing as that of Messrs. Haight & Foster, +and for this reason the reader may easily appreciate the shock with +which I received the information that my presence was no longer +desired in the office. + +Mr. Haight had unexpectedly sent for me word that I was wanted in +the library and I had obeyed his summons without a suspicion that +my career as a civil attorney was to be abruptly terminated. As +I closed the door behind me I saw the old lawyer standing near the +window, his spectacles poked above his eyebrows and his forehead +red with indignation. Between the thumb and forefinger of his left +hand he held a card. + +"So," he exclaimed, vainly trying to appear collected, "I find that +my firm has been conducting an uptown office for criminal business! +This is one of your cards, I believe?" + +He tossed it from him as if it were infected with some virulent +legal disease, and I saw that it was one of the unfortunate cards +that I had had printed before forming my partnership with Gottlieb. +It was no use denying anything. + +"Yes," I answered, as quietly as I could, "it is one of my cards." + +"I am also informed," he continued, his voice trembling with +suppressed wrath, "that while you have been masquerading as a +student in this office you have been doing a police-court law +business in association with a person named Gottlieb." + +I turned white, yet made no traverse of his indictment. I was +going to be kicked out, but I felt that I could at least make my +exit with a dignified composure. + +"Young man, you are no longer wanted here," continued Mr. Haight +with acerbity. "You have found your own level without assistance +and you will no doubt remain there. You obtained your position in +this office by means of false pretences. I do not know who you +really are or whence you really come, but I have no doubt as to +where you will eventually go. This office does not lead in the +right direction. You ought to be locked up! Get out!" + +I went. + +Glib as I was in the defence of others I found it difficult to +argue in my own behalf. At any rate, it would have availed nothing. +I had been tried, convicted, and sentenced in my absence, and it +was vain to hope for pardon. There is something in righteous +indignation that inevitably carries respect with it. I fully +sympathized with Mr. Haight. I had cheated and outraged his firm +and I knew it. I had no excuse to offer and he was entitled to +his burst of excoriation. Morally I felt sure that the worm that +had worked deepest into his bone was the fact that my guardian, +whose name, as the reader may recall, I had made use of as an +introduction, had not in fact written "Tottenham on Perpetuities" +at all. + +Thus I passed out of the office of Haight & Foster much as I had +slipped in--quite unostentatiously. All hope of success along the +slow and difficult lines of legitimate practice faded from my mind. +Whether I willed it or not, as a criminal attorney I was destined +to make my bread. + +There was now no reason why Gottlieb and I should any longer conceal +our partnership, and we decided, therefore, to go into things on +a much larger scale than theretofore, and hired a suite of offices +on Centre Street, near the Tombs, where we could be within easy +reach of the majority of our clients. A sign some forty feet long +and three feet wide ran along the entire front of the building, +bearing the names Gottlieb & Quibble. Our own offices were in the +rear, the front rooms being given over to clerks, runners, and +process servers. A huge safe bought for a few dollars at an auction +stood in the entrance chamber, but we used it only as a receptacle +for coal, its real purpose being simply to impress our clients. +We kept but few papers and needed practically no books; what we +had were thrown around indiscriminately, upon chairs, tables--even +on the floor. I do not recall any particular attempt to keep the +place clean, and I am sure that the windows were never washed. +But we made money, and that was what we were out for--and we made +it every day--every hour; and as we made it we divided it up and +put it in our pockets. Our success from the start seemed in some +miraculous way to be assured, for my partner had, even before I +knew him, established a reputation as one of the keenest men at +the criminal bar. + +As time went on our offices were thronged with clients of all sexes, +ages, conditions, and nationalities. The pickpocket on his way +out elbowed the gentlewoman who had an erring son and sought our +aid to restore him to grace. The politician and the actress, the +polite burglar and the Wall Street schemer, the aggrieved wife and +stout old clubman who was "being annoyed," each awaited his or her +turn to receive our opinion as to their respective needs. Good or +bad they got it. Usually it had little to do with law. Rather it +was sound, practical advice as to the best thing to be done under +the circumstances. These circumstances, as may be imagined, varied +widely. Whatever they were and however little they justified +apprehension on the part of the client we always made it a point +at the very outset to scare the latter thoroughly. "Conscience +doth make cowards of us all." But a lawyer is a close second to +conscience when it comes to coward-making; in fact, frightening +people, innocent or guilty, became to a very large extent our +regular business. + +The sinners most of them live in daily terror of being found out +and the virtuous are equally fearful of being unjustly accused. +Every one knows how a breath of scandal originating out of nothing +can wither a family and drive strong men to desperation. The press +is always ready to print interesting stories about people, without +inquiring too closely into their authenticity. Curiously enough +we found that an invitation to call at our office usually availed +to bring the most exemplary citizens without delay. I can remember +not more than three who had the courage to refuse. Most came, as +it were, on the run. Others made a bluff at righteous indignation. +All, in the end, paid up--and paid well. Our reputation grew, and +in the course of a few years the terror of us stalked abroad through +the city. + +Our staff was well organized, however disordered may have been the +physical appearance of our office. In the first place we had an +agent in every police court who instantly informed us whenever any +person was arrested who had sufficient means to make it worth our +while to come to his assistance. This agent was usually the clerk +or some other official who could delay the proceedings in such a +way as to give us time to appear upon the scene. We also had many +of the police in our pay and made it a practice to reward liberally +any officer who succeeded in throwing us any business. In this +way defendants sometimes acquired the erroneous idea that if they +followed the suggestion of the officer arresting them and employed +us as their attorneys, they would be let off through some collusion +between the officer and ourselves. Of course this idea was without +foundation, but it was the source of considerable financial profit +to us, and we did little to counteract the general impression that +had gone abroad that we "stood in" with the minions of the law and +were _personae gratae_ to the judges of the police courts. + +After the telephone came into general use Gottlieb employed it in +many ingenious ways. He even had an unconnected set of apparatus +hanging on the wall of the office, through which he used to hold +imaginary conversations with judges and city officers for the +benefit of clients who were in search of "inflooence." It is a +common weakness of the layman to believe that more can be accomplished +through pull than through the merit of one's cause. Even litigants +who have the right on their side are quite as apt to desire an +attorney who is supposed to be "next" to the judge as are those +whose only hope is through judicial favor. Gottlieb's relations +to the lower magistrates were in many instances close, but he +professed to be on the most intimate terms with all who wore the +ermine, whether in the police courts or on the supreme bench. Time +after time I have overheard some such colloquy as the following. +A client would enter the office and after recounting his difficulties +or wrongs would cautiously ask Gottlieb if he knew the judge before +whom the matter would come. + +"Do I _know_ him?" my partner would cry. "I lunch with him almost +every day! Wait a minute, and I'll call him up." + +Vigorously ringing the bell attached to the unconnected instrument +upon the wall Gottlieb would indulge his fancy in some such dialogue +as: + +"Hello--hello! Is this Judge Nemo? Oh, hello, Jack, is it you? +Yes, it's me--Abe. Say, I want to talk over a little matter with +you before I go into court. How about lunch? Sure--any time will +suit me. One o'clock? I'll be there. Thanks. So long, old man. +See you later!" + +The client by virtue of this auricular demonstration of our friendly +relations with the bench would be instantly convinced that his +success was assured and that Gottlieb & Quibble were cheap at any +retainer they might choose to name. + +For the most part the routine office work fell to me and Gottlieb +attended to the court end of the business. For there was no more +adroit or experienced trial attorney in the courts than my little +hook-nosed partner. Even down-town attorneys with almost national +reputations as corporation lawyers would call him in as associate +counsel in important cases in which a criminal element was involved. +Thus we frequently secured big fees in what Gottlieb was pleased +to call legitimate practice, although I am inclined to believe that +our share was small compared with that of the civil lawyers who +had retained us. On one occasion where Gottlieb had been thus +called in, the regular attorney of record, who happened to be a +prominent churchman, came to our office to discuss the fee that +should be charged. The client was a rich man who had sued successfully +for a divorce. + +"How much, Mr. Gottlieb," inquired the attorney, stroking his chin, +"do you think would be a fair amount to ask for our services?" + +My partner hesitated for a moment and mentally reviewed the length +of time of the case--a very simple one--had occupied. + +"Do you think five thousand dollars would be too much?" he finally +asked with some hesitation. + +"Five!" cried the lawyer in astonishment. "It should be twenty +thousand--at the least!" + +It is not my intention to give a history of the firm of Gottlieb +& Quibble, but rather a general description of the work of any +criminal law office. Its object is precisely the same as that of +the best offices where civil law is practised--that is, to make +money out of the client. But inasmuch as the client who seeks the +aid of a criminal attorney is usually in dread of losing not merely +money but liberty, reputation, and perhaps life as well, he is +correspondingly ready to pay generously for any real or fancied +service on the part of the lawyers. Thus the fees of a criminal +practitioner--when the client has any money--are ridiculously high, +and he usually gets sooner or later all that the client has. +Indeed, there are three golden rules in the profession, of which +the first has already been hinted at--namely, thoroughly terrify +your client. Second, find out how much money he has and where it +is. Third, get it. The merest duffer can usually succeed in +following out the first two of these precepts, but to accomplish +the third requires often a master's art. The ability actually to +get one's hands on the coin is what differentiates the really great +criminal lawyer from his inconspicuous brethren. + +The criminal attorney, therefore, whether he be called to see his +client at the Tombs or in the police station, or is consulted in +his own office, at once informs the latter that he is indeed in a +parlous state. He demonstrates to him conclusively that there +exist but a few steps between him and the gallows, or at least the +State's prison, and that his only hope lies in his procuring at +once sufficient money to--first, get out on bail; second, buy off +the witnesses; third, "fix" the police; fourth, "square" the judge; +and lastly, pay the lawyer. Even where the prisoner has no money +himself, his family are usually ready to do what they can to get +him off, in order to save themselves from the disgrace of being +related to a convict. It is not what may actually happen to your +client, but what he thinks may happen, that makes him ready and +anxious to give up his money. Thus, the more artistic the practitioner +in painting the dire consequences which will result if the family +of the offender does not come to his rescue the quicker and larger +will be the response. Time also is necessary to enable the ancestral +stocking to be grudgingly withdrawn from its hiding-place and its +contents disgorged, or to allow the pathetic representations of +his nearer relatives to work upon the callous heart of old Uncle +John, who once held a city office and has thus plenty of money. +The object of the lawyer being to hang on to the client until he +has got his money, it follows that if the latter is locked up in +jail it is all the better for the lawyer, unless it be expedient +to let him out to raise funds. Thus criminal attorneys are not, +as a rule, particularly anxious to secure the release of a client +from jail. Solitary confinement increases his apprehension and +discomfort and renders him more complacent about paying well for +liberty. The English king who locked up the money-lender and had +one of his teeth drawn out each day until he made the desired loan +knew his business. Once the fellow is out of jail--pfft! He is +gone, and neither the place nor you know him more. Very likely +also he will jump his bail and you will have to make good your +bond. One client in jail is worth two at large. + +Lawyers exercise much invention in keeping their clients under +control. I recall one recent case where a French chauffeur who +had but just arrived in this country was arrested for speeding. +The most that could happen to him would, in the natural course of +events, be a fine of fifteen or twenty dollars. But an imaginative +criminal practitioner got hold of him in the police court and drew +such a highly colored picture of what might happen to him that the +Frenchman stayed in jail without bail under an assumed name, raised +some three hundred dollars by means of a draft on Paris, handed it +over to his counsel, and finally after a delay of two weeks was +tried in Special Sessions, found guilty, and let go on a suspended +sentence. He is now looking for the lawyer with a view to doing +something to him that will inevitably result in his own permanent +incarceration. + +Another practical distinction between civil and criminal practitioners +is that while the first are concerned for the most part with the +law, the second are chiefly occupied with the facts. In civil +cases the lawyers spend most of their time in trying to demonstrate +that, even assuming their opponents' contentions as to the facts +to be true, the law is nevertheless in their own favor. Now, this +is a comparatively easy thing, since no one knows what the law in +most civil cases is--and it truth it might as well be one way as +the other. A noted member of the supreme bench of the United States +is reported to have said that when he was chief justice of one of +the State courts, and he and his confrères found themselves in a +quandary over the law, they were accustomed to send the sergeant- +at-arms for what they called the "implements of decision"--a brace +of dice and a copper cent. Thus the weightiest matters were decided +without difficulty. + +Now, the taking of a purse out of a lady's reticule does not present +much confusion as a legal proposition. It would be somewhat +difficult to persuade a judge or a jury that picking a pocket is +not a crime. It is far easier to demonstrate that the pocket was +not picked at all. This is generally only a question of money. +Witnesses can easily be secured to swear either that the lady had +no reticule, or that if she had a reticule it contained no purse, +or that some person other than the defendant took the purse, or +that she herself dropped it, or that even if the prisoner took it +he had no criminal intent in so doing, since he observed that it +was about to slip from the receptacle in which it was contained +and intended but to return it to her. Lastly, if put to it, that +in fact the owner was _no lady_, and therefore unworthy of credence. + +Few persons realize how difficult it is for an outsider, such as +an ordinary juryman, to decide an issue of fact. A flat denial is +worth a hundred ingenious defences in which the act is admitted +but the attempt is made to explain it away. It is this that gives +the jury so much trouble in criminal cases. For example, in the +case of the pickpocket the lawyers and the judge may know that the +complaining witness is a worthy woman, the respectable mother of +a family, and that the defendant is a rascal. But each comes before +the jury presumably of equal innocence. She says he did, he says +he didn't. The case must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. +Generally the defendant's word, so far as the jury can see, is as +good as his accuser's. If there are other witnesses it is usually +not difficult, and certainly not impossible, to show that they have +poor eyesight, bad memories, or are undesirable citizens in general. +The criminal lawyer learns in his cradle never to admit anything. +By getting constant adjournments he wears out the People's witnesses, +induces others to stay away, and when the case finally comes to +trial has only the naked accusation of the complainant to disprove. +Or, to put it in more technically correct fashion, the complainant +has only his own word wherewith to establish his case beyond a +reasonable doubt. A bold contradiction is often so startling that +it throws confusion into the enemy's camp. + +I once defended a worthy gentleman named Cohen on a charge of +perjury, alleged to have been committed by him in a civil case in +which he, as defendant, denied that he had ever ordered a set of +stable plans from a certain architect. The latter was a young man +of very small practice who had an office but no clerks or draughtsmen. +He certainly believed with the utmost honesty that my client had +come to his office, engaged him to design a stable, and approved +an elaborate set of plans that he had drawn. When it came to paying +for them Mr. Cohen declined. The architect brought suit, and at +the trial swore to the dates and places of the interviews between +Cohen and himself, and to all the surrounding circumstances and +details connected with the execution of the plans in question. +His lawyer expected that the defendant would interpose the defense +that the plans were inferior, defective, or worthless. Not at all! +Mr. Cohen swore that he had never ordered the plans and, in fact, +had _never seen the architect in his life!_ He alleged that until +the suit was brought he had never even _heard_ of him, and that +either the architect was demented or a liar, or else some other +Cohen had given the order. The architect and his lawyer were +thunderstruck, but they had no witnesses to corroborate their +contentions, since no one had ever seen Cohen in the other's office. +The jury disagreed and the architect in some way secured Cohen's +indictment for perjury. But during the criminal trial, at which +I defended him, Mr. Cohen calmly persisted in his denial that he +had ever enjoyed the honor of the architect's acquaintance, and +after two prosecutions, in each of which the jury hopelessly +disagreed, the indictments against him were dismissed. From this +it may easily be inferred that no fact is too patent to be denied. +Frequently the more heroic the denial the greater its verisimilitude +to truth. The jury feel that no prisoner would _deny_ a fact that +it would be much easier to _explain away_--and believe him. + +I once represented an Italian called the King of Mulberry Street, +who was charged with having deliberately shot in the head and killed +a respectable dealer in olive-oil against whom he held no grudge +whatsoever. The King was just an egotistic little man who liked +notoriety and admiration. He was wont to refer to himself simply +as "The Bravest Man," without reference to time or place--just "The +Bravest Man." He was accustomed to demonstrate his bravery by +shooting inoffensive people whenever the idea seized him. He never +killed anybody save quiet and law-abiding fellow citizens who made +no resistance, and the method he selected was to shoot them through +the head. He seemed to feel that it was essential to his dignity +thus to execute at least one human being every six months, and the +extraordinary feature of his history was that he had never been +convicted. + +The case that I was called upon to defend was this: Not having +killed anybody for nearly a year and fearing to jeopardize his dual +title of King of Mulberry Street and The Bravest Man, he put a +forty-four calibre pistol in his pocket, donned his Sunday clothes +and took a walk. The thoroughfare was crowded, the day bright and +fair, the time twelve o'clock noon. Presently the oil merchant +approached and The King, first glancing about him to make sure that +he had a "gallery," went up to him, placed the pistol at his head +and fired. He was immediately arrested and indicted for murder. + +Now, twenty witnesses had seen him fire the fatal shot. Yet there +was not the slightest reason in the world why he should have done +such a thing. Upon the trial my client insisted on simply denying +that he had done anything of the kind. I had naturally assumed +that he would either claim that the shooting had been accidental +or that he had fired in self-defense, after he had first been +attacked by the deceased. But no--he had had no pistol, did not +know the man, and had not killed him. Why should he have killed +him? he inquired. No one could answer the question, least of all +the jury. The twenty witnesses were positive that he had done so, +but he was equally positive that he had not. No one could offer +the slightest explanation of the deed--if it had in fact taken +place. The jury puzzled over the case for hours, at one time, I +am informed, being on the point of acquitting the prisoner for lack +of proof of any motive. They reasoned, with perfect logic, that +it was almost if not quite as improbable that the defendant should +in broad daylight on a public street have shot down a man against +whom he had not the slightest grudge as that twenty commonplace +citizens should be mistaken as to what they had seen. Whether they +were aided in reaching a verdict by "the implements of decision" +I do not know, but in the end they found my client guilty and in +due course he paid the penalty, as many another king has done, upon +the scaffold. The plain fact was that The King was a "bravo," who +took a childish and vain pride in killing people. He killed for +the love of killing, or rather for the egotistic satisfaction of +being talked of as a killer. At any rate, there are many like him. +While his defence was unsuccessful, he came near enough to escaping +to point out the value of a bold denial in a criminal case. + +Our clients consisted, for the most part, of three clearly defined +classes of persons: Criminals, their victims, and persons involved +in marital or quasi-marital difficulties. These last furnished by +far the most interesting quota of our business, and, did not +professional confidence seal my lips, I could recount numerous +entertaining anecdotes concerning some of what are usually regarded +as New York's most respectable, not to say straight-laced, households. +A family skeleton is the criminal lawyer's strongest ally. Once +you can locate him and drag him forth you have but to rattle his +bones ever so little and the paternal bank account is at your mercy. +New York is prolific of skeletons of this generic character, and +Gottlieb had a magnificent collection. When naught else was doing +we used to stir them up and revive business. Over this feature of +the firm's activities I feel obliged, however, from a natural +feeling of delicacy, to draw a veil. Our function usually consisted +in offering to see to it that a certain proposed action, based on +certain injudicious letters, should be discontinued upon the payment +of a certain specified sum of money. These sums ranged in amount +from five to twenty thousand dollars, of which we retained only +one-half. I understand that some lawyers make more than this +percentage, but for such I have only contempt. A member of a +learned and honorable profession should be scrupulous in his conduct, +and to keep for one's self more than half the money recovered for +a client seems to me to be bordering on the unethical. But perhaps +I am hypersqueamish. + +Of course we had a great deal of the ordinary "knock-down-and-drag- +out" variety of assault, robbery, theft, and homicide cases. Most +of these our clerks attended to, but the murder cases Gottlieb +defended in person, and in this he was so singularly successful +that there was hardly a celebrated trial in which he was not retained +in some capacity or other. For he was an adept in all those little +arts that make a jury feel well disposed toward a lawyer, and as +a word artist he was unsurpassed. Gottlieb could, I believe, have +wrung tears from a lump of pig iron, and his own capacity to open +the floodgates of emotion was phenomenal. He had that rare and +priceless gift shared by some members of the theatrical profession +of being able to shed real tears at will. His sobs and groans were +truly heart-rending. This, as might be expected, rendered him +peculiarly telling in his appeals to the jury, and he could frequently +set the entire panel snivelling and wiping their eyes as he pictured +the deserted home, the grief-stricken wife, and the starving children +of the man whom they were asked to convict. These unfortunate +wives and children were an important scenic feature in our defence, +and if the prisoner was unmarried Gottlieb had little difficulty +in supplying the omission due to such improvidence. Some buxom +young woman with a child at the breast and another toddling by her +side could generally be induced to come to court for a few hours +for as many dollars. They were always seated beside the prisoner, +but Gottlieb was scrupulous to avoid any statement that they +_belonged_ to the client. If the jury chose to _infer_ as much +that was not our fault. It was magnificent to hear (from the wings) +Gottlieb sum up a case, his hand, in which was concealed a pin, +caressing the youngest little one. + +"Think, gentlemen, of the responsibility that rests upon you in +rendering this woman a widow and depriving this poor innocent babe +of a father's protecting love!" + +Here Gottlieb would hiccough out a sob, sprinkle a few tears upon +the counsel table, and gently thrust the pin into the infant's +anatomy. Sob from Gottlieb--opportune wail from the baby. Verdict +--not guilty. + +There was a certain class of confidence men for whom we soon became +the regular attorneys. They were a perennial source of delight as +well as profit, and much of my time was given up to the drafting +of circulars and advertisements for the sale of stock in such form +that, whereas they contained no actual misstatement of an existing +fact, they nevertheless were calculated to stimulate in the most +casual reader an irresistible desire to sell all that he had and +invest therein. + +Originally the dealers in valueless securities did not take the +trouble to purchase any properties but merely sold their stock and +decamped with the proceeds. Of course such conduct was most ill- +advised and unnecessary. It was obviously criminal to sell stock +in a concern that has no existence, and several of my clients having +been convicted of grand larceny, for this reason I took it upon +myself to advise the others actually to purchase lands, mines, or +other property and issue their stock against it. In this way their +business became absolutely legitimate--as strictly honest and within +the law as any of the stock-jobbing concerns of the financial +district. To be sure, the mine need not be more than the mere +beginning of a shaft, if even that; the oil-well might have ceased +to flow; the timber land might be only an acre or so in extent; +but at any rate they existed. Their value was immaterial, since +the intending purchaser was not informed in the advertisement as +to the amount of gold, silver, or copper mined in any specific +period, the number of gallons of oil per minute that flowed from +the well, or the precise locality of the timber forests, but merely +as to the glorious future in store for all who subscribed for the +stock. + +This vital distinction has always existed in civil as well as +criminal law between what is fraud and what is legitimate encouragement +to the buyer. To tell the prospective vendee of your old gray mare +that she is the finest horse in the county is not fraud even if +she is the veriest scarecrow, for it merely represents your opinion +--perhaps colored in part by your desire to sell--and is not a +matter of demonstrable fact. To assure him, however, that she has +never run away, had blind staggers, or spring halt, when these +assertions are not true, is "a false statement as to a past or +existing fact," and as such constitutes a fraud--if he buys your +horse. + +Now, it frequently has happened in my experience that gentlemen +desiring to find purchasers for securities or property of little +value have so carelessly mingled statements of fact with opinions, +laudations, and prophecies as to their goods, that juries have said +that they were guilty of fraud in so doing. Thus the lawyer becomes +at every turn indispensable to the business man. The following +circular was drawn up for one of our clients and is an excellent +example of a perfectly harmless and legal advertisement that might +easily become fraudulent. We will suppose that the corporation +owned one-quarter of an acre of wood lot about ten miles from a +region where copper was being mined. + +"SAWHIDE COPPERS +"YOUR LAST CHANCE TO BUY THIS STOCK AT PRESENT FIGURES! +"The company's lands are located near the heart of the copper +district, not far from properties now paying from forty to sixty +per cent. a year. There is no reason in the world why Sawhide +should not do as well if not better. With immense quantities of +ore just beneath the surface, when our new smelter is completed +Sawhide will undoubtedly prove one of the best dividend payers in +the country! As the Buggenheims and other well-known financiers +are largely interested in the stock, it is only a question of time +before it will be marked up out of sight. The properties have +great surface value and are rolling in timber and mineral wealth." + +This is a fair example of a perfectly safe variety of advertisement +that does not commit the author to anything. As long as there is +a piece of land somewhere and an actual incorporated company the +stock of which, however valueless, is being offered for sale, the +mere fact that the writer indulges himself in rosy prophecies does +not endanger him so far as the criminal law is concerned. It is +only when he foolishly--and usually quite as unconsciously--makes +some definite allegation, such as, for instance, that the company +"owns six hundred acres of fully developed mining property," or +has "a smelter in actual operation on the ground," or "has earned +sixty-five per cent. on its capital in the past year," that the +financier runs the slightest risk. It may be that a purchaser +would find it so difficult to prove the falsity of any of the +statements upon which he had relied in purchasing the stock that +the vendor would practically be immune, but in these days of muck- +raking and of an hysterical public conscience prosecutors sometimes +go to the most absurd lengths and spend ridiculous sums of money +out of the county treasuries to send promoters to jail. + +They are apt to have a hard time of it, however. I recall one +scheme in which a client of mine was interested, involving the +floatation of about a hundred thousand dollars' worth of railroad +stock. The circulars, printed by a famous engraver and stationer, +were twenty pages in length and contained the minutest description +of the company's board of directors, rolling stock, capitalization, +bond issues, interests in other railroads, government grants of +land, and the like. They were embellished with beautiful photographs +of deep cuts, suspension-bridges, snow-sheds, railroad-yards, and +round-houses. The promoter did a mail-order business and sold the +stock by the bagful to elevator men, trained nurses, policemen, +porters, clerks, and servant girls. + +After he had salted away about forty thousand dollars some of the +purchasers began to get anxious about their dividends. None were +forthcoming, and as the promoter was inclined to be indefinite as +to future prospects he was presently arrested. But when the case +came to trial I pointed out a fact that, strange as it may seem, +practically no one of the multitude of stockholders had previously +noticed, namely, that the circulars made no actual statement _as +to where the railroad was located_. By inference it might well +have been supposed to be somewhere in Canada, but there was no such +fact clearly alleged. Of course it was impossible for the prosecutor +to prove that my client did not own a railroad _somewhere_ in the +world and the indictment had to be dismissed. Negations are +extremely hard to establish, and therein lies the promoter's safety. +If he sticks to generalizations, no matter how they glitter, he is +immune. Had my railroad promoter inserted a single word descriptive +of the location of his franchise or his terminals he would now be +in Sing Sing instead of owning a steam yacht and spending his +winters in Florida. + +From the foregoing the reader will observe that the first-class +criminal lawyer by no means devotes his time to defending mere +burglars and "strong-arm" men. The élite of the profession do as +gilt-edged an office practice as the most dignified corporation +attorneys. Indeed, in many respects their work is strictly +identical. + + +CHAPTER V + +The firm of Gottlieb & Quibble had not been long established before +--quite by chance--a new vista of opportunity opened before us. +My partner had a wretched client who, not unlike many others, would +go to more pains and trouble to steal a dollar than it would have +taken him to earn twenty. This, I have noticed, is a general +peculiarity of lawbreakers. The man's name was McDuff and my +partner had defended him on several occasions and had got him off, +with the result that he was always hanging about the office and +asking if this and that were "within the law." One fine day he +was arrested on the charge of having obtained money by false premises +in an unique manner. + +It appeared that he had learned through a certain bar-tender that +one Jones, a patron of the place, had but recently come into a +legacy of a couple of hundred dollars and, in connection therewith, +had imbibed so freely that he had become involved in a fist fight +with a gentleman by the name of Holahan and had done the latter +considerable facial damage. McDuff pondered upon these facts for +some time over his beer and then set out to find Jones--not a +difficult task, as the legatee was making a round of all the near- +by saloons and endeavoring to drink up his good fortune as rapidly +as possible. Overtaking him in a side street McDuff grasped him +roughly by the shoulder. + +"Look here, Jones," says he, pretending to be an officer; "I have +a warrant for your arrest for committing a battery upon Thomas +Holahan. You must come along with me to the station-house." + +"What! For me!" cries Jones in an agony of dismay. "Sure, I did +nothing to the man. You're not going to lock me up for that!" + +"It's my unpleasant duty," answers McDuff. "An officer has no +choice in the matter. You must step along." + +"Come, come!" replies Jones, pulling his money from his pocket. +"Here's a hundred and fifty dollars. Say you couldn't find me!" + +"I would be taking a great risk," responds the supposed officer. +"Have you no more than that?" + +"I have my gold watch and chain," returned Jones. "You can have +them and welcome--only let me go!" + +The bargain was struck then and there and the transfer from Jones' +pockets to those of McDuff effected. Unfortunately, however, Jones +next day discovered that Holahan harbored no ill-will against him +and that the supposed officer was nothing of the kind. Rising in +his wrath, he in turn procured a warrant for McDuff and caused his +arrest and indictment. The trial came off and despite Gottlieb's +best efforts his client was convicted by the jury of stealing Jones' +watch, chain, and money by falsely representing himself to be an +officer of the law. The case went on appeal to the Supreme Court, +which affirmed the conviction, and there seemed no escape for McDuff +from a term in prison. + +One evening Gottlieb and I got talking about the case among other +things. + +"How is it," said I, "that the criminal law will step in and give +a man back his money when, under precisely the same circumstances, +the civil law will let him whistle?" + +"What mean you by that?" asked my partner. + +"Why," answered I, "the civil law will not settle disputes between +thieves, it will not enforce an equitable division of stolen +property, and it will not compel rogues to keep a dishonest contract +between themselves. Now this fellow, Jones, it seems to me, was +almost as bad as your friend McDuff. He tried to induce a man he +thought was a sworn officer of the law to violate his oath and +disregard his duty. Why should the criminal law do anything for +him? Why should it hand him back his money as if he were an innocent +and honest man?" + +"It is an ingenious argument," replied Gottlieb, scratching his +ear; "and yet it is poppycock for all that. The criminal law is +to punish criminals. According to your reasoning, two wrongs would +make a right and two thieves one honest man. Would you let McDuff +go unpunished simply because he was clever enough to induce Jones +to try to break the law as well as himself? Why, any judge would +laugh you out of court on such a proposition." + +"But," I retorted, "surely, if I gave you a hundred dollars for +the purpose of bribing a judge and you failed to accomplish your +purpose, no court would assist me to recover the money. 'Twould +be against public policy and _contra bonos mores_." + +"Even so," answered my partner, "would it not be more _contra bonos +mores_ to let a thief go unpunished, once he had been arrested? +Take my word, Quib, there's nothing in it," insisted Gottlieb +warmly. "For instance, there is the crime against usury--a very +foolish law to be sure, but there it is. No one can commit usury +unless some one else participates in the offense by paying the +unlawful interest; but the usurer does not escape on that account. +Why, then, should the false pretender in our case?" + +"I admit the force of your analogy," said I, "and I could easily +suggest others myself. Bribery, for instance; extortion and many +other offences, where the law does not refrain from punishing the +one because the other is equally guilty. But the cases differ in +that, in bribery, the briber is seeking to influence the acts of +an official; and, in extortion, the law imputes an element of force +which is supposed to overcome the will of the person paying the +money. I am not so clear on your usury. Still, I believe there +is a fighting chance to win the case on my theory." + +"If you think so," grumbled Gottlieb, "you had better argue it +yourself before the Court of Appeals." + +"Very well," said I. "Nothing will give me greater pleasure." + +It was with some trepidation, however, that I went to Albany to +argue, before so august a body of judges, a proposition of law that +had in reality so little to commend it; particularly as I was +opposed in person by the district attorney of New York County--a +man of great learning and power of sarcasm. However, I found the +Court of Appeals much interested in my argument and had the pleasure +of hearing them put many puzzling questions to my opponent, in +answering which he was not always altogether successful. + +Pending the opinion of the Court, which was not handed down for +several months, an incident occurred in our practice that may serve +to amuse the reader if not to illustrate the dangers of ignorance. +We were engaged in a litigation in the United States District Court, +where the subpoenas for the witnesses are issued by the clerk to +the deputy marshals for service. Our opponent in the case was a +testy old member of the bar over sixty years of age and of the very +highest respectability and standing, who had several times refused +elevation to the bench and was regarded as the personification of +dignity and learning. Unfortunately his appearance belied his +position, for he was almost totally bald and his face was as weazened +and wrinkled as that of a monkey. + +It so happened that we desired to have in court the following day +certain papers that were in his possession; and, in order that we +might be in a position to introduce copies of them in case he failed +to produce the originals, we secured what is called a _duces tecum_ +subpoena for him--that is to say, a subpoena directing him to bring +with him--_duces tecum_--"bring with you"--the papers in question. +There had recently been appointed as a deputy marshal a very honest +and enthusiastic, but exceedingly ignorant Irishman named Hennessey, +who, prior to his advent into officialdom, had been employed at +heaving coal at a dollar and eighty cents a day. The clerk called +him into his office and handed to him our subpoena. + +"Mike," he said, "here is a subpoena for Winthrop Van Rennsellaer" +--our worthy opponent. "It is a _duces tecum_. Understand?" + +"Shure, I do!" answered Mike, wiping his mouth with the back of +his hand and taking the paper; for, though he had no idea of what +_duces tecum_ meant, he had no intention of disclosing the fact. + +"It's important," continued the clerk. "Be sure and attend to the +matter at once." + +"Lave that to me!" Mike assured him. + +"Don't forget that it's a _duces tecum_," admonished the clerk as +Mike passed out of the door. + +"Not on yer life!" replied the newly appointed deputy. + +Outside, he found a fellow deputy, also newly appointed. + +"Pat," said Mike, holding out the subpoena, "phat is the meanin' +o' thim two wurrds?" + +His friend carefully examined the paper. + +"'_Duces tecum_'," he repeated thoughtfully. "'_Dooces taycum_.' +They be Latin words meanin' 'take him alive or dead.'" + +"Thanks," said Mike. "Trust me!" + +And he started forthwith for Wall Street, where Mr. Winthrop Van +Rennsellaer's office was located. Having ascertained by inquiry +that his quarry was in, Mike pushed by the clerks and scriveners +in the outer offices and armed with the majesty of the law, boldly +forced his way into the lawyer's sanctum. Marching up to him, he +demanded in a loud voice: + +"Are you Van Rennsellaer?" + +The lawyer, exceedingly astonished, replied, with what dignity he +was able to assume under the circumstances; + +"I am Mister Winthrop Van Rennsellaer." + +"Come wid me!" ordered Mike. + +"I shall do nothing of the kind!" retorted the lawyer, getting red +in the face. + +"Y' won't, eh?" exclaimed the deputy; and, grasping Mr. Winthrop +Van Rennsellaer by his linen collar, he yanked him out of his chair +and, to the horror of the servile supernumeraries in the lawyer's +employ, dragged that eminent member of the bar through his own +offices, down the stairs, and into the street. + +The lawyer protested loudly at the indignities to which he was +being subjected and a large crowd gathered, which for the time +being blocked Broadway. Mike, confident that he had the authority +of the United States Government behind him, exhibited his badge, +called upon the police to assist him in the exercise of his duty +and proceeded triumphantly to march Mr. Winthrop Van Rennsellaer, +hatless, up the street at the head of a large and enthusiastic +procession of interested citizens. From time to time Mike would +turn and call upon the crowd to disperse, at the same time announcing +in a loud voice that he had arrested his prisoner by an order of +the Government to take him alive or dead. + +By this time the lawyer's little round head was glowing a bright +red and his legs almost refused to carry him. Once they had arrived +at the Post-office Building the mistake was quickly discovered and +Mr. Van Rennsellaer was set at liberty; but each and every United +States judge had to descend in his robes from the bench and implore +his pardon before the furious little lawyer would consent to call +a cab and return to his office. + +I understand that he always believed that the whole thing was a +trick of Gottlieb's to humiliate him; and, indeed, some members of +the bar have suspected me of the same thing--entirely without +justification, of course. During the rest of his exceedingly +distinguished career one had only to mention the words _duces tecum_ +in the presence of Mr. Winthrop Van Rennsellaer to deprive him instantly +of his composure; in fact, for a long time he abandoned appearing +in court and contented himself with nursing his dignity in his +office. I should add that the incident so affected his confidence +the next day in court that we won our case without difficulty. + +But to return to the unfortunate McDuff. To my great astonishment +and still more so to that of my partner the Court of Appeals handed +down an opinion sustaining my contention and holding his client's +conviction to be illegal. That night Gottlieb and I, sitting in +his office, shook our sides with laughter at the idea of having +hoodwinked the greatest court in the State into a solemn opinion +that a rogue should not be punished if at the same time he could +persuade his victim to try to be a rogue also! But there it was +in cold print. They had followed my reasoning absolutely and even +adopted as their own some of the language used in my brief. Does +any one of my readers doubt me, let him read the report of a like +case in the forty-sixth volume of the reports of the Court of +Appeals of New York, at page four hundred and seventy. + +Said the Court: "The prosecutor"--Jones--"parted with his property +as an inducement to a supposed officer to violate the law and his +duties; and if in attempting to do this he has been defrauded the +law will not punish his confederate, although such confederate may +have been instrumental in inducing the commission of the offence. +Neither the law nor public policy designs the protection of rogues +in their dealings with each other, or to insure fair dealing and +truthfulness, as between each other, in their dishonest practices." +(This sentence had been in my brief.) "The design of the law is +to protect those who, for some _honest_ purpose, are induced upon +false and fraudulent representations to give credit or part with +their property to another, and not to protect those who, for +_unworthy_ or illegal purposes, part with their goods." + +"Why, Quib," quoth Gottlieb, "you are the discoverer of a new legal +principle. You will inaugurate a new field of human activity. +Generations yet unborn will profit by your ingenuity. From now on +every rascal in the land will set his wits to work trying to bring +his schemes within the scope of this beneficent opinion." + +"Indeed," I replied, "however fine it may be for McDuff, I can +easily see that I have unloosed as many troubles as ever flew out +of Pandora's Box." + +"Yes--but to our profit," he retorted, with a grin. "Don't forget +that. The inventors will all come flocking straight to us to get +them out of their difficulties--you may be sure of it!" + +"'Tis extraordinary," I said, "what a multitude of opportunities +this new principle enunciated by the Court of Appeals affords to +a man of an inventive turn of mind. As I take it, all one has to +do is to induce another man to part with his money in the belief +that he is going to take a sharp advantage of some one else. For +example, let us suppose that I go to some person and falsely tell +him that I have a client serving a term in Sing Sing for burglary +who has confided to me the whereabouts of the secret hiding-place +of his loot. All that is necessary is some one to put up sufficient +money to cover the expense of transportation and excavation--and +it can be divided between us. For this purpose he intrusts me with +several hundred dollars, with which I make off. I have stolen the +money fast enough, but I can never be punished for it." + +"Exactly!" exclaimed my partner. "And here is another idea that +is well calculated to appeal to almost anybody. It has just occurred +to me quite involuntarily while you were speaking. Many of our +clients want to know if they cannot send the judge, who is trying +the case, a present of some sort, or maybe loan him a little money; +and it is always distressing to be obliged to tell them--usually-- +that it is quite out of the question; that it would only get them +into trouble. Of course, occasionally we let them send the judge +a box of cigars, _but always with the compliments of our adversary +--never our own_. Now this shows how readily persons who are mixed +up in lawsuits or other difficulties would be ready to put up their +money if they supposed the judge were going to get it. All you +need is some unscrupulous fellow to go up to one of our clients +and mention the fact that he is the judge's brother-in-law and is +in dearth of ready money. Can't you see the client digging up the +needful? He'd be stuffing it down our friend's pockets before he +got through speaking; and the whole thing could be done quite +openly, you observe, because, even if the client found out later +that he had made a mistake, the law would not help him." + +"An excellent illustration," I answered, "of the uses to which a +legal decision may be put." + +"Indeed, though," continued Gottlieb, "the scheme need by no means +by as raw as all that. It is enough if there be merely an _immoral_ +or _improper_ motive that induces the victim to part with his money. +For example, if he but thinks that he can do a sharp trick to some +one else. Let us suppose that I pretend to have secret information +to the effect that certain property is really much more valuable +than the owner supposes it to be. I propose to another that--if +he will put up the money for that purpose--we shall buy the property, +leading the owner to suppose he is getting full value for it. Now, +if, to induce the latter to make the sale, it is agreed between us +that we make false or misleading statements as to the real value +of the property I do not see but that I would be perfectly safe." + +"Safe?" I queried. "I don't understand. You would have bought +the property, that is all." + +"My dear Quib," returned my partner, "you seem singularly dull this +evening for one of your brilliant parts. The point is that the +property really isn't worth anything. I am in cahoots with the +man who sells it; and we divide even!" + +"Yes," I answered; "a dozen similar schemes could be worked like +that." + +"A dozen!" cried Gottlieb, bounding enthusiastically out of his +chair and commencing to stalk up and down the room. "A hundred! +Why, there are endless ways in which it can be worked--and I know +the man to work them too!" + +"Eh!" I exclaimed. + +"I mean, who will undoubtedly avail himself of some of them," he +corrected himself. "Take this case: It is a crime under the law +to give back or rebate part of the premium on a life insurance +policy. Now many a man could be induced to insure his life if he +could get back the first year's premium. All you have got to do +is to tell him that you are an insurance agent and will give it +back--and then put the money in your own pocket, for he will have +given you the premium for an illegal purpose--that is to say, with +the idea of having it paid back to him contrary to law. Under the +decision he will have no chance to get you arrested." + +"Never say that you are not a man of ingenuity yourself," said I. + +I bade my partner good-night and walked slowly homeward meditating +upon the wonders of the law, but totally unconscious of what a +harvest was to be reaped from the seed I had sown so innocently. + +It was but a short time after this that, happening to enter the +office somewhat unexpectedly one evening, I discovered Gottlieb in +animated conversation with a stockily built man of about forty +years of age, whose coal-black hair--by far his most conspicuous +feature--had been suffered to grow quite long and was parted evenly +in the middle, so that it gave him somewhat the appearance of the +hooded seal that was then on exhibition at P. T. Barnum's museum. +He had a good-humored face, jet-black eyes, and a familiar, easy +way with him that put one on a friendly footing at once. + +"Hello! Quib!" exclaimed my partner. "I want you to meet my +friend, Charlie Billington." + +"Delighted to meet you, Mister Quibble," cried the stranger, grasping +my hand. "Our friend Gottlieb knows me almost better than I know +myself--eh, Gottie? Between us we have turned many a trick." + +"You mean that I have pulled you out of many a bad hole," retorted +Gottlieb. + +"As you please," answered Billington good-temperedly. "But in any +event you are a splendid fellow at all times--and especially in +times of need." + +"May I inquire your business, Mr. Billington?" I asked, curious to +identify my new acquaintance. + +Billington winked at Gottlieb. + +"How would you describe it, Mr. Lawyer?" said he. + +Gottlieb laughed and shifted his cigar. + +"Our friend Charlie lives by his brains," he replied. "He is an +inventor, a promoter, an artist. He has earned many a small fortune +by the simple use of a postage stamp. He can extract gold from +seawater or silver from pineapples. Incidentally, he is of a +scientific turn of mind and can rattle off the Morse alphabet as +deftly as any operator in the business. Occasionally he has, in +the interest of finance, tapped a wire." + +"Tapped a wire!" Instantly I regarded Billington with a new +interest. So at last I had met one of those famous gentry of whom +I had so often heard! + +"Never again, I fancy!" laughed Charlie. "My friend, you have +saved a lot of poor devils a deal of trouble. From this time on +none of us will ever need to tap wires. After this we shall only +_pretend_ to tap 'em." + +"How so?" I inquired, dropping into a near-by chair. + +"Why, under the new law," responded Billington--"the law of which, +I may say, you are the creator--we shall only have to induce some +innocent countryman to believe that he has heard the result of a +horse-race being sent over the wire in advance of the pool rooms, +and persuade him to turn over his roll for the purpose of betting +it on a horse that is presumably already cooling off in the paddock +and we can keep his money, for he has parted with it for an illegal +or an inimical purpose--to wit, cheating the bookies." + +"Not with my sanction!" I retorted, somewhat aghast at the idea of +having paved a broad and easy path for the way of criminals. + +"Tut, tut, Quib!" said Gottlieb. "You have nothing to do with what +use our friend here sees fit to put your law to. I have never yet +advised any man how to do an illegal thing. The most I have ever +done has been to show some of my clients how to do in a perfectly +legal manner that which had heretofore been unlawful." + +"Yea, Gottlieb," remarked Billington. "And many things that before +were accounted faults have now, thanks to you, become virtues." + +After Billington bade us good-night, Gottlieb said to me: + +"Quib, the more I think of it, the more astonishing is the result +of this new doctrine of yours that has been sanctified by the Court +of Appeals. I do not for the life of me see how a seller of 'green +goods' can be prosecuted. The countryman comes to the city for +the purpose of buying counterfeit money at a ridiculously low +figure. He puts up his money and gets a package of blank paper +with a genuine one-dollar bill on top of it. What good will it do +him to appeal to the police? Has he not parted with his money +avowedly for a most wicked purpose--that of uttering counterfeit +bills?" + +"I quite agree with you," I answered. "There seems to be no escape +from your result; and I, for one, do not see what is to prevent +New York from becoming the Mecca of all the thieves and rogues in +the country." + +And such, indeed, it became. From this time on, until very recently, +the metropolis was the stamping ground of all the rogues who could +not earn a dishonest living elsewhere. With our friend Charles as +their sponsor, there sprang into being herds of "sick engineers," +fake "wire-tappers," "green-goods" swindlers, and confidence men +of all sorts, who flourished safely under the protection of the +decision of the Court of Appeals in McDuff's case. + +It was but shortly after this that one of Billington's friends +found himself in the toils of the police for having pretended to +sell a package of "green goods" to a yokel from the rural part of +the State. Charlie at once engaged me to defend him, asserting +that as I was responsible for the law it was my duty to apply it +for the benefit of our clients. So once again I entered the arena +in behalf of a principle that at heart I believed to be vicious +and even absurd, and once again, to my surprise and the delight of +my new clients, I triumphed. The Appellate Division reversed the +conviction that had followed the arrest and discharged the prisoner, +asserting that there was no longer any authority for holding him +if the McDuff case was to be taken as law. + +Thus it was, by such unconscious steps, that I, the only son of a +clergyman, found myself--willy-nilly--a leader of the criminal bar. +Yet at no time during my career would I have exchanged places with +my honored parent or even with Mr. Tuckerman Toddleham, of Barristers' +Hall, Boston. + + +CHAPTER VI + +As I jot down these random reminiscences I am impressed in a singular +fashion with the fact that my career consisted entirely in the +making, or rather getting, of money and the spending of it. I had +no particular professional ambitions and never but once sought +distinction as a constitutional lawyer; and, however unworthy of +an officer of the court such a confession may be, I am quite ready +to admit that a seat upon the bench would have afforded me neither +amusement nor sufficient compensation to satisfy my desires. Let +other men find their gratification and emolument in the supposed +honor of wearing the ermine! I have never found that a judge became +any the less an erring human being after his elevation to the dais, +and I could rake out of one good semi-criminal case twice the salary +of any judge on the supreme bench. What is popularly regarded as +respectability is oft-times in reality--if the truth were known-- +merely stodginess and stupidity. + +I am compelled to admit that in my early days, before I had formed +my affiliation with Gottlieb, I had different ambitions, although +they were none the less worldly. Then I wanted to be a judge +because I supposed a judge was the king-pin of the profession. +Now, as Pat Flanagan says, "I know different." The judge is apt +to be no less a tool of the boss than any other public officer +elected by the suffrages of a political party. He is merely less +obviously so. There are a few men in Wall Street who can press a +button and call for almost any judge they want--and he will come-- +and adjourn court if necessary to do so--with his silk hat in his +hands. And if any young aspirant for legal honors who reads these +fugitive memoirs believes that the road to the supreme bench leads +_via_ Blackstone, and is lighted by the midnight oil of study, let +him disabuse himself of that idea, but seek rather the district +leader; and let him make himself useful in getting the boys that +are in trouble out of it. Under our elective system there is no +more honor in being a judge than in being a sheriff or a hog-reeve; +but, when one is young--and perhaps starving--it may seem otherwise. + +If any of my lay readers believe that the practice of the law is +a path of dalliance, let him but hazard his fortunes for a brief +space on the good ship Jurisprudence--he will find the voyage +tedious beyond endurance, the ship's company but indifferent in +character and the rations scanty. I make no doubt but that it is +harder to earn an honest living at the law than by any other means +of livelihood. Once one discovers this he must perforce choose +whether he will remain a galley slave for life or hoist the Jolly +Roger and turn freebooter, with a chance of dangling betimes from +his own yard-arm. + +Many a man has literally starved at the law. And most of the +profession nearly do so; while some, by merest luck, have managed +to struggle on until they stumbled upon some professional gold +mine. I have heard many stories of how some young men managed to +pull success out of disaster when the odds seemed overwhelming. +One which has particularly appealed to me I shall call the anecdote +of The Most Capable Young Lawyer in New York. + +Some years ago there came to the great city a young fellow who had +always lived in a country town where the neighbors were all such +good friends that they never went to law. He was able and industrious, +but in his native place found it almost impossible to earn a living; +and when by chance he met a well-known and prosperous attorney from +New York who advised him to seek his fortune in the whirlpool rather +than in the back eddies of life, he decided to follow the +suggestion. + +"I will endeavor to throw you something from time to time," said +the prosperous lawyer, for it made him feel his own success to see +such a poor young man and it tickled his vitals into benignity. + +The country boy sold all his possessions for a few hundred dollars +and came to New York. His friend was very kind in his manner and +prolific of advice, but, unfortunately, he had no room in his own +office for a junior or even an errand-boy. So Peters, for that +was the young man's name, dragged himself up and down the city +trying to find an opening, no matter how small. He was too old to +begin as a clerk and too much of a bumpkin for anything else, and +he found that nobody had any use for a young man of his particular +type and training. At last, in despair, he hired desk-room in an +office, shared jointly by half a dozen young men like himself, and +waited for something to turn up; but nothing came. His bank account +fell lower and lower, and he became more and more shabby. Moreover, +he was eating his heart out with disappointment, for he could not +return to his native town and confess himself a failure. + +From time to time he would drop into his prosperous friend's offices, +but the latter never had anything to turn over to him and he would +return dejectedly to his own solitary desk. At last he was forced +to give up lunch and get along as best he could on two scanty meals +a day; he grew thin and haggard, his Adam's apple projected redly +above a frayed collar, his trousers grew wrinkled and shiny, and +he looked ready to take his place in the "bread line." Finally he +spent his last cent on a pretzel and made ready to "turn in his +checks." + +At this point Peters paid a last visit to his friend, who was +visibly shocked at his emaciated appearance, for his eyes burned +with the fever of starvation and his jaw was set in a pitiful +determination to keep going until he dropped. + +"Mr. Banks," said he grimly, "unless you give me something to do +I'll go under. The fact is, I'm starving!" + +Mr. Banks look at him critically. + +"Pretty near ready to give up, eh?" he remarked. "Better chuck it +and go back! I guess I was wrong when I told you to come down +here." + +"Not yet," answered Peters doggedly. "When I go back it'll be in +a wooden box." + +"Well," replied Mr. Banks, "I'm sorry; but there isn't a thing in +the office I can give you." He pondered a minute. "I've got a +lot of old judgments against a fellow named Rosenheim--in the cigar +business, but he's no good--judgment proof--and they aren't worth +the paper they're written on." + +"Give them to me!" almost shouted Peters. + +Mr. Banks laughed. + +"You can have ninety per cent. of all you collect," said he as he +bent over and, pulling out a lower drawer, removed a bundle of +soiled documents. "Here they are. My blessing to you!" + +Peters grabbed the transcripts and staggered down the stairs. It +took him less than ten minutes to find Mr. Simon Rosenheim, who +was sitting inside a brass fence at a mahogany desk, smoking one +of the best of his own cigars. + +"Mr. Rosenheim," said Peters, "I have some judgments here against +you, amounting to about three thousand dollars." + +"Yes?" remarked Rosenheim politely. + +"Can you let me have the money?" inquired Peters. + +"My dear fellow," retorted Rosenheim, with an oily sneer, "I owe +the money all right, but I don't own a thing in the world. Everything +in this room belongs to my wife. The amount of money I owe is +really something shocking. Even what is in the safe"--he nodded +to a large affair on the other side of the room--"belongs to somebody +else." + +Rosenheim had been through this same performance hundreds of times +before, but not with the same dénouement. + +Suddenly he saw a lean young man, with hollow cheeks and blazing +eyes, leap over the brass railing. In another instant horny hands +grasped him firmly by the windpipe and a voice hissed in his ear: + +"Pay me those judgments or I'll strangle you here and now!" + +With bursting veins and protruding tongue he struggled helplessly +to escape as his assailant dragged him toward the safe. + +"I mean what I say!" half shrieked Peters. "I'm starving! I'd as +lief die one way as another; but before I die you'll pay up those +judgments--every cent!" + +Rosenheim was on his knees now before the safe, his eyes starting +from his head. + +"Open the safe!" commanded Peters. + +Rosenheim, the sweat of death on his brow, fumbled with the +combination; the tumbler caught, the door swung open. Peters lifted +his captive enough to permit him to reach in and take out the bills. + +"Count 'em out!" he ordered. + +Rosenheim did as he was told, shaking with fear. Peters stuffed +the money into his pocket. + +"Now do your damdest!" he shouted. "I've had one piece of law +business before I died. Good afternoon!" + +Rosenheim crawled back to his desk, relit his cigar and endeavored +to pull himself together. He had a half-scared, half-puzzled look +on his face and once in awhile he scratched his head. + +Meantime Peters repaired to the nearest hotel and ordered a dinner +of steak and fried potatoes, washed down with a pint of champagne. +He then purchased a new suit of clothes, a box of collars, a few +shirts, and a hat. When he entered Mr. Banks' office an hour later +the latter with difficulty recognized his visitor. + +"I owe you three hundred dollars, I believe," remarked Peters, +laying down the bills. + +"Owe--me--What? You didn't get that money out of Rosenheim?" +stammered Banks. + +"Why not?" asked Peters casually. "Of course I did. Every cent +of it." + +Banks looked at him in utter amazement. He, too, scratched his +head. + +"Say," he suddenly exploded, "you must be quite a feller! Now, +look here, I've got a claim against the Pennsylvania and Susquehanna +Terminal Company for two million dollars that I wish you'd come in +and give me a little help on. What do you say?" + +Peters hesitated and pursed his lips. + +"Oh, I don't mind if I do," said he carelessly. + +You may have heard of the celebrated law firm of Banks & Peters-- +who do a business of about four hundred thousand a year? Well, +that is Peters. Banks says he's "the ablest young lawyer in New +York." + +Peters, however, does not deserve the same credit as another young +fellow of my acquaintance, since in Peters' case necessity was the +parent of his invention; whereas in the other the scheme that led +to success was the offspring of an ingenuity that needed no starvation +to stimulate it into activity. + +Baldwin was a youth of about thirty, who had done pretty well at +the bar without giving any evidence of brilliancy and only moderate +financial success. He perceived the obvious fact that the way to +make money at the law is to have money-makers for clients, but he +had no acquaintances with financiers and had no reason to advance +to himself why he should ever hope to receive any business from +such. Reading one day that a certain young attorney he knew had +received a large retainer for bringing an injunction in an important +railroad matter, it occurred to him that, after all, it was merely +chance and nothing else that had sent the business to the other +instead of to himself. "If I'd only known Morgan H. Rogers I might +have had the job myself," thought he. + +So he pondered deeply over how he could get to know Mr. Morgan H. +Rogers and at last conceived the idea of pretending that he had +a client who--without disclosing his name for the time being-- +desired to create a trust for the benefit of a charity in which +the railroad magnate was much interested. With this excuse he +found no difficulty in securing an interview and making an agreeable +impression. The next step was more difficult. + +Finally, having learned through a clerk in the banker's office with +whom he had cultivated an acquaintance that Mr. Morgan H. Rogers +was going to Boston at a certain hour that very afternoon, he donned +his best funeral suit and boarded the same train himself. As he +passed through the drawing-room car he bowed to the great man, who +returned his greeting with the shortness characteristic of him, +and passed on to the smoker, where he ensconced himself in a chair +near the door, depositing on the seat next to him a pile of magazines +and his coat. Half an hour passed and the car filled up, save for +the seat next the young lawyer. Presently the bulky form of Morgan +H. Rogers filled the door-way. He already had a black unlit cigar +in his mouth and he scanned the rows of seats with ill-concealed +disappointment. Then his eye caught the one occupied by our friend's +coat. + +"Let me have this seat!" said he abruptly. + +"Oh, how are you, Mr. Rogers!" exclaimed the young lawyer. +"Certainly! Let me give you a light." + +"Your name's Baldwin, isn't it?" inquired the banker as he took up +a magazine. "Saw you about that trust matter last week, didn't I?" + +"Yes," answered Baldwin. "Nothing has occurred in connection with +it since then." + +And he returned to his paper without paying any further attention +to his companion. At Bridgeport a telegraph boy rushed into the +car and yelled: "Baldwin! Mr. Baldwin!" + +Mr. Baldwin held out his hand, in which lay half a dollar, and +without much apparent interest opened the envelope and scanned its +contents. + +"H'm!" he remarked, half inwardly, and thrust the paper into his +pocket. + +At New Haven another boy boarded the train, calling anxiously for +Everitt P. Baldwin--this time there were two telegrams; and just +as the train pulled out a third arrived. + +Mr. Baldwin read them all with the keenest interest and could hardly +conceal an exclamation of satisfaction; but the magnate gave no +sign. At New London there was another flurry and, in spite of +himself, Mr. Baldwin slapped his knee and muttered: "Good enough!" + +As the train started again Morgan H. Rogers let fall his magazine +and growled half-facetiously: + +"What the devil are all those telegrams about?" + +"Just a little injunction suit," the young man answered modestly, +"in which my firm has been quite successful." And, without giving +any names--for, indeed, there were none--he sketched rapidly a +hypothetical situation of the greatest legal delicacy, in which he +had tied up an imaginary railroad system with an injunction, +supposedly just made permanent. Morgan H. Rogers became interested +and offered Mr. Baldwin a remarkably big cigar. He had been having +a few troubles of his own of a similar character. In a few moments +the two were deep in the problems of one of the financier's own +transcontinental lines and a week later Baldwin was on Rogers' +regular staff of railroad attorneys. + +It is pleasant to reflect upon such happy incidents in the history +of a profession that probably offers more difficulties to the +beginner than any other. Yet the very obstacles to success in it +are apt to develop an intellectual agility and a flexibility of +morals which, in the long run, may well lead not only to fortune, +but to fame--of one sort or another. I recall an incident in my +own career, upon my ingenuity in which, for a time, I looked back +with considerable professional pride, until I found it a common +practice among my elders and contemporaries of the criminal and +even of the civil bar. + +It so happened that I had an elderly client of such an exceedingly +irascible disposition that he was always taking offence at imaginary +insults and was ready to enter into litigation of the fiercest +character at the slightest excuse. Now, though he was often in +the right, he was nevertheless frequently in the wrong--and equally +unreasonable in either case. He was turned over to me in despair +by another and older attorney, who could do nothing with him and +wished me joy in my undertaking. I soon found that the old +gentleman's guiding principle was "Millions for defence, but not +one cent for tribute." In other words, as he always believed +himself to have been imposed upon, he litigated almost every bill +that was presented to him, with the result that three times out of +five judgment was given against him. He had himself studied for +the bar and had a natural fondness for technicalities; and he was +quite ready to pay handsomely any one he believed to be zealously +guarding his interests. + +He was, at the time I became acquainted with him, nearly seventy +years of age and his chief diversion was to sit in my office and +harangue me upon his grievances. Being a sort of sea-lawyer himself +he was forever devising quaint defences and strange reasons why he +should not pay his creditors; and he was ever ready to spend a +hundred dollars in lawyers' fees in order to save fifty. This is +the most desirable variety of client a lawyer can have. + +One trifling weakness, common to mankind in general, gave him much +encouragement; for he soon discovered that, rather than incur the +trouble of hiring lawyers and going to court, his creditors would +usually compound with him for considerably less than their just +claims. This happened so frequently that he almost never paid a +bill in the first instance, with the natural result that those who +had sent him honest bills before, after one or two experiences with +him, made it a practice to add thirty per cent. or so to the total, +in order that they might later on gracefully reduce their demands +without loss. Thus my client, by his peevishness, actually created +the very condition regarding which, out of an overactive imagination, +he had complained originally without just cause. + +It so happened that the first matter in which he required my services +was a dispute over a tailor's bill that he regarded as excessive. +He had ordered a pair of trousers without inquiring the price and +was shocked to discover that he had been charged three dollars more +than for his last pair. The tailor explained at great length that +the first had been summer weight and that these were winter weight; +but to no purpose. + +"You think you can take advantage of me because I'm an old man!" +he shrieked in rage. "But you'll find out. Just wait until I see +my lawyer!" + +So down he came to my office and fumed and chattered for an hour +or more about the extra three dollars on his trousers. If he had +been less abusive the tailor might have overlooked the matter; but +even a tailor has a soul, and this time the man swore to have the +law on his cantankerous customer. + +"Fight to the last ditch!" shouted the old man. "Don't yield an +inch!" + +A day or two later the tailor served my client, whose name was +Wimbleton, with a summons and complaint; and I was forced to put +in an answer, in which I took issue upon the reasonable value of +the trousers. By the time I had drawn the papers and listened to +my client's detailed history of the transaction, as well as his +picturesque denunciation of his opponent, I had already put in +about a hundred dollars' worth of my time without any prospect of +a return. I knew that if the case were tried it would mean a day +lost for myself and a judgment against my client. The old fellow +had a large amount of property, however, and I was willing to take +a loss if it meant future business. Yet the time involved and the +trifling character of the suit annoyed me and I resolved to take +it upon myself to settle the matter over my client's head. + +On my way home I stopped in at the tailor's and told him to take +his three dollars and discontinue his action, which he was glad +enough to do. The next day I wrote Mr. Wimbleton that I had forced +his enemy to capitulate--horse, foot, and dragoons--and that the +suit had been withdrawn. My embarrassment may be imagined when my +client arrived at the office in a state of delirious excitement +and insisted not only on inviting me to dinner, but on paying me +fifty dollars for services in giving him the satisfaction of beating +the tailor. Instantly I saw a means of entirely satisfying the +old man and earning some good fees without the slightest exertion. + +The same method--although for another purpose--will be recalled by +my readers as having been invoked by the unjust steward who called +his lord's debtors to him and inquired how much they owed. One, +if I remember correctly, said a hundred measures of oil. + +"Take thy bill," said the steward, "and sit down quickly, and write +fifty." + +Another, who confessed to owing a hundred measures of wheat, the +steward let off with eighty. On discovering what he had done his +lord commended him for having done wisely, on the ground that the +children of this world were wiser than the children of light. + +Thus, it will be observed, my early Biblical training stood me in +practical stead; and the only difference between the unjust steward +and myself lay in the manner in which we were each eventually +treated by our respective masters. Indeed, I found this Scriptural +scheme so profitable and effective that soon my client swore I was +the cleverest lawyer he had ever employed. + +Some one would commence a suit against him for damages for breach +of contract amounting to a couple of thousand dollars, where he +thought he ought to pay only fifteen hundred, but where he really +had no defense. I would file an elaborate answer setting up all +sorts of defences, move for an examination of the plaintiff and of +his books and papers, secure a bill of particulars and go through +all sorts of legal hocus-pocus to show how bitterly I was contesting +the case as a matter of principle. Before the action came to trial, +however, I would settle it for one thousand seven hundred and fifty +dollars, telling my client that we had brought the other side to +his terms, and charge him seven hundred and fifty dollars for my +services--thus netting five hundred dollars in fees. + +Often, when the amount sued for was small--say, fifty or one hundred +dollars--and where my client had absolutely declined to pay anything, +I paid the claim in full, simply for the satisfaction of leading +him to believe that he had been successful in resisting what he +regarded as an unjust or excessive demand. + +This went on for several years, until, quite by chance, one of his +creditors, with whom I had settled over his head, either out of +forgetfulness or an evil wish to do me a bad turn, wrote him a +letter thanking him for his generosity. The next day he appeared, +purple with rage, and for some unaccountable reason, instead of +"commending" me, denounced me for a shyster. And this in spite of +the undoubted fact that my pacific methods had probably saved him +hundreds of dollars! + +It was about this time that Gottlieb devised a truly brilliant +scheme, which had to commend it the highly desirable quality of +being absolutely safe. + +There is a very wise provision of our law to the effect that, where +a wife desires to bring an action against her husband for divorce +and is without means for the purpose, the courts will allow her a +counsel fee and alimony _pendente lite_. The counsel fee is to +enable her to pay a lawyer and prepare for trial, and the amount +usually varies from one hundred to one thousand dollars. + +One morning my partner came grinning into my office and showed me +a very soiled and wrinkled paper. + +"What d'ye think of that?" he laughed. + +The document, which turned out to be an affidavit executed in +Chicago, read as follows: + +"STATE OF ILLINOIS ) +"COOK COUNTY, CITY OF CHICAGO ) ss. + +"LIZZIE YARNOWSKI, being duly sworn, deposes and says that she is +over twenty-one years of age and engaged in the employment of making +artificial flowers; that in the year 1881 the defendant induced +her to leave her home in New York and journey with him in the West +under a promise of marriage, representing himself to be a traveling +salesman employed by a manufacturer of soda fountains; that they +were married on July 5, 1881, in the town of Piqua, Ohio, by a +justice of the peace under the names of Sadie Bings and Joshua +Blank, and by a rabbi in Chicago on August 17, 1881; that two weeks +thereafter defendant deserted plaintiff and has never since +contributed toward her support, and that she has since learned that +the defendant is a banker and a broker, doing business on Wall +Street in the city of New York." + +The affidavit then went on to state that the defendant had given +the plaintiff good grounds for seeking for a divorce and that she +was without means to engage counsel or prepare for trial. The +contents of the paper was skilfully worded so as to convey the +impression that the deponent was a woman of somewhat doubtful +character herself, but that on the other hand she had been tricked +by the defendant into a secret--and what he intended to be a +temporary--marriage. Attached thereto was another affidavit from +the justice of the peace to the effect that on the date in question +he had united in the holy bonds of matrimony a man and a woman who +had given the names of Sadie Bings and Joshua Blank. + +"Well, Gottlieb," said I, "this is interesting reading, whether it +be fact or fiction; but what is its significance to us?" + +"Why," answered my associate, "these are the papers I propose to +use on a motion for counsel fee and alimony in a divorce action +brought against Mr. Chester Gates, a broker downtown--and, I may +add, a very rich and respectable young gentleman. Of course, I +have no personal knowledge of the matter, as the case has been sent +to us by one of our legal friends in Chicago; but I am quite sure +that the court will grant me a counsel fee in order to enable the +poor woman to prepare her case and bring it to trial." + +"But," I replied, "we have made just such applications a thousand +times before, have we not?" + +Gottlieb gave me one of his long, slow winks. + +"Not just like this," said he, and went back into his room, while +I pondered on what I had read. + +A few days later Gottlieb served the complaint in an action for +absolute divorce upon Mr. Chester Gates, to the young man's great +indignation and annoyance; and shortly thereafter a very respectable +and prosperous old family lawyer called upon us to explain that +the whole matter was a mistake and that his client had never, never +been married, and knew no Miss Lizzie Yarnowski, either as Sadie +Bings or under any other name. + +Gottlieb and I treated him with the greatest deference, explaining +that we had no option but to go on with the matter, as we were only +acting for our Chicago correspondent. At this the old lawyer grew +very indignant and muttered something under his breath about perjury +and blackmail, to which, however, neither Gottlieb nor I paid any +attention. A week or so later we made our motion for alimony and +counsel fee _pendente lite_, and in spite of the vehement affidavit +of Chester Gates, Esquire, that he had never seen or heard of the +plaintiff nor been married to anybody in his life, the court granted +us two hundred and fifty dollars as counsel fee. + +This was made payable at our office, as the attorneys for plaintiff; +and a day or two later Mr. Gates himself called and asked to see +us. He was a rosy-cheeked, athletic young fellow, who could, I +fancy, have knocked both our heads together had he chosen to do so. + +"Good afternoon, gentlemen," said he, closing the door and seating +himself at Gottlieb's invitation. This is a very interesting +experience you are putting me through. I am made the defendant in +a divorce action and ordered to pay you two hundred and fifty +dollars on affidavits that I know are perjured from start to finish. +Well, if that's law I have nothing to say. Of course, you can't +win your case, because you can't prove that I ever married anybody +--which latter fact, of course, you very well know. I would never +pay you a cent to settle this or any other unfounded suit, and I +never did anything for which you or any other scoun--beg pardon, I +mean lawyer--could blackmail me. But this is a new one on me. +You have got a court order that I am to pay you two hundred and +fifty dollars to bring a bogus action against myself. Well, here's +my check for it. I congratulate you. Now, I'm amused to see what +you're going to do next. I want to get something for my money." + +Gottlieb took the check and rang a bell for the office boy. + +"Take this over to the bank and cash it," he directed. "That's +the first thing I'm going to do," turning to Gates. "The next is +this." He opened the top drawer of his desk and took out a legal +paper. "Here," said he, "is a discontinuance of the action, which +I received this morning from Chicago. I suppose you have no +objection to having the matter disposed of in that way? You'll +take it?" + +Mr. Gates looked at him for a moment and then burst out laughing. + +"By George!" he exclaimed. "Take it? Of course I'll take it. I +have no particular desire to go on with the litigation, I assure +you. I fully expected to be adjudged the father of a large family +of little Yarnowskis. But, now that the matter is settled, would +you mind telling me who the lady really is?" + +Gottlieb looked at him very solemnly and, to my horror, gave an +imperceptible wink. + +"All I can tell you, sir," he replied, "is that her name is Lizzie +Yarnowski, and that you married her under the name of Sadie Bings +before a justice of the peace at Piqua, Ohio." + +At one time Gottlieb and I represented a very objectionable old +party who ran a scurrilous "society" paper, chiefly for the +opportunity it gave him to blackmail people. His method was the +very simple one of publishing some unfounded scandal without using +any names, and then to print a paragraph immediately following in +which the real names of the parties appeared, ostensibly with +relation to some other item of news: + +"It is a well-known fact that a certain young society couple, both +of whom have, to say the least, led rather lurid lives, are no +longer on good terms and are carrying on--_sub rosa_--independent +establishments. Mr. ---- prefers the upper West Side, while Mrs. +---- has a tidy little Louis XVI flat on Eleventh Street. Incidentally +the family mansion remains at ---- Fifth Avenue. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Kopeck Louis d'Or Jones are not going to Newport this +summer. There is a persistent rumor that Mrs. Jones will remain +with her mother on the Hudson, while her husband's plans are quite +indefinite." + +In point of fact it was Gottlieb who had invented this neat method +of publishing scandal without any of the usual attendant risks. +Generally what would happen would be that the day after the issuing +of the number in which the objectionable article had appeared, Mr. +Kopeck Louis d'Or Jones would call up the white-haired editor of +_Social Sifting_ on the telephone and tell him that he proposed to +sue him for libel unless he printed an immediate retraction. Our +client would thereupon refer him to Gottlieb, who would explain to +Mr. Jones that the libel in question had no reference to him +whatsoever; that he could hardly expect _favorable_ items to appear +about him unless he took a financial interest in the paper; and +end by offering to negotiate a purchase for him of some of the +stock. In many instances the injured parties would instantly take +this means of insuring that no further publications of such a +character should appear. The stock usually cost about ten thousand +dollars, which went into the pocket of the "General," as he was +called; and from that time on none but the most pleasing reflections +could be found in the columns of his paper in regard to its new +stockholder. + +Unfortunately for all parties, however, the "General" took exception +to the size of one of our bills and we parted with mutual +recriminations, although he had paid us many thousands of dollars +in fees and we had saved him many more in judgments. He still owed +us a large sum of money, but Gottlieb had tied up his property in +such a fashion that the old fellow was judgment-proof. He was thus +able to snap his fingers in our faces, a fact that naturally +intensified our hard feelings against him. We cherished our anger +until an appropriate occasion should present itself for getting +even with him, which occurred sooner than any of us, least of all +the "General," expected. + +It so happened that one of the victims, having failed to "come +across" substantially enough, discovered very shortly another +libelous paragraph, which reflected very seriously upon his young +and attractive wife; and as it was pretty generally known at the +time that the "General" and ourselves had parted company, the +husband forthwith came to us for advice. + +"Of course," said he ruefully, "I can't thrash a white-haired +villain who is old enough to be my grandfather, even if I could +get to him, which is unlikely. You know he has an inner office +'way off from the rest and sneaks in and out, up and down the back +stairs. A suit for libel wouldn't do any good and the publicity +would hurt more than the satisfaction I might get out of a verdict. +But vengeance I'll have--at any cost. How can I get it?" + +Gottlieb pondered the matter for several days and at last sent for +his new client, at the same time making an appointment at our office +with a well-known feather-weight prize-fighter. + +"If you will leave this matter to me I'll guarantee--for a thousand +dollars--that the 'General' shall receive as severe a pounding as +his old carcass can stand." + +The client joyfully wrote out a check to our order and an hour +later Hennessey, the celebrated bantam, arrayed in the uniform of +an overgrown messenger boy, called with a letter at the "General's" +office and asked to see him. He had, he insisted, orders to deliver +the letter into nobody's hands but those of the "General" himself, +and on this pretext in due course found himself, after being led +through a labyrinth of passages and stairs, in the presence of our +ex-client. + +"Are you General ----?" he inquired. + +"That's my name," answered the "General." + +"I've got a letter for yous," continued the bantam, fumbling in +his cap and producing two letters, one of which he handed over. + +The "General" took it and his eye glinted for he perceived that it +was addressed to a very well-known member of society whose escapades +were notorious. Quickly he ran his penknife through the tongue of +the envelope. + +"Hold on, there!" suddenly cried Hennessey. "I've give yous the +wrong letter. Here's yours. That one is for Mr. ----. Gimme it +back!" + +"One moment, my boy!" replied the "General," hastily tearing open +the envelope. "Just one moment." + +"Don't you take out dat letter! It ain't fer yous!" expostulated +the messenger. "Here's your letter." + +But the "General," with watering mouth, was already feverishly +devouring a violet-colored note beginning, "Darling Guy," his +bulbous nose close to the paper and scenting scandal in every line +--that is, he devoured it until, quite unexpectedly, the bantam +squared off and proceeded to hand him a few "upper cuts," "hooks," +and straight leads from the shoulder, until the scandalmonger howled +for mercy. But the bantam had his instructions. + +"No!" says he. Bing! "I'll teach you to read other people's +letters!" Bing! "I'll show yous what yous'll get if yous violates +de United States mail--see?" Bing! "Read Mr. ----'s letter, will +yous?" Bing! "Not wit' me here--see?" Bing! Bing! "You white- +haired old son of a printing-press!" + +Hennessey's description, on his return to the office, of the +"General's" appearance at the conclusion of his drubbing was +eminently satisfactory; and he forthwith exchanged his messenger's +uniform for his Broadway regalia and a crisp one-hundred dollar +bill. That is the only time, so far as I ever learned, that the +"General" ever got his real deserts; but I am glad that he did, +for once. And the sight of his red nose--somehow it looks redder +now than it used to--invariably fills me with satisfaction. + +Quite naturally our firm attracted a number of strange wastrels in +the way of clients, all of whom were picturesque and many of them +profitable. Among these was a gentleman known as the "Human Dog," +who frequented the main thoroughfares during the crowded hours and +simulated the performances of a starving animal with a verisimilitude +that I believe to have been unsurpassed in the annals of beggary. +He would go on all fours snuffling along the gutters for food and +when he came to a morsel of offal he would fall upon it and devour +it ravenously. If he found nothing he would whine and sit on his +hind legs--so to speak--on the curb, with an imploring look on his +hairy face. If a police officer approached the "Human Dog" would +immediately roll over on his back, with his legs in the air, and +yelp piteously; in fact, he combined the "lay" of insanity with +that of starvation in a most ingenious and skilful manner. He was +a familiar sight and a bugbear to the police, who were constantly +arresting him; but, as he never asked for money, they had great +difficulty in doing anything with him. Usually the magistrate sent +him to the "Island," for thirty days and then Gottlieb would get +him out on a writ of habeas corpus. Some of these writs attracted +the attention of the bar and several appear in the reports. I am +under the impression that we secured his release some twenty-nine +separate times. At last he died in a fit of apoplexy caused by +overeating; and when we administered his estate we found that he +had already laid by, in a comparatively brief career, the very +creditable sum of forty-one thousand dollars. + +The "Human Dog" was but a clever variation of the "Crust-Thrower" +--the beggar who tosses a dirty crust of bread into the gutter when +no one is looking and then falls upon it with a cry of fierce joy. +These "crust-throwers" have plied their trade for over six hundred +years and were known in England and Flanders long before the +discovery of America. Gottlieb was very shrewd at devising schemes +that came just within the law and used to amuse himself by so doing +in his leisure moments. One of the best--the idea which he sold +for three hundred dollars and which is still being used in New +York, Chicago, and elsewhere--is the following: + +An old man, with a square of plate glass in a newspaper and a bundle +of glass-cutter's tools by his side is seen sitting dejectedly on +a curb with his head in his hands. He has no coat and the icy wind +blows through his straggling locks of gray hair--a pathetic picture. +He seems utterly discouraged, but no word of complaint passes his +lips. Presently a well-dressed woman approaches and her pity is +instantly aroused. She accosts him, and the aged one informs her +in a faint voice that he works in Harlem and has been sent by his +boss to set a pane of glass on Varick Street; but not knowing +exactly where Varick Street is, he has got off the elevated at +Fifty-ninth Street and finds that he is still several miles from +his destination. What woman, unless she had a heart of granite, +would not be moved by such a tale! She opens her purse and pours +its contents into his lap; for it is a psychological truth that, +if you can once get a woman up to the point of giving anything, +she will give all that she has. How often have I seen these old +men--the children of Gottlieb's brain--sitting patiently and silently +on the streets! And how often have they paid us handsome fees to +get them out of the "jug"! + +In this catalogue of clients I must not forget "Banana Anna," who +recently, I am sad to say, met her Waterloo. Anna was a lady so +peculiarly gifted by the Almighty that she was able at will to +simulate a very severe physical mishap. I shall not describe with +any greater degree of particularity what her precise affliction +was, save to say that if genuine it would have entitled her to the +sympathy and generosity of mankind. It was the kind of thing that +might easily result from a fall; but which, in fact, under ordinary +circumstances gave her no inconvenience whatever. + +Anna would conceal a bit of banana peel in her muff and, dropping +in upon a station platform, would put her heel upon it and fall +prostrate, uttering a groan of pain. The guard would come hastily +to her assistance and find, to his horror, a woman with every mark +of respectability suffering terrible agony from a condition obviously +the result of a fall caused by a bit of banana skin carelessly left +lying upon the premises. An ambulance would be summoned, but she +would insist upon being taken to her own home--an imposing mansion +--and calling her own physician. In due course the railroad would +send its doctor, who would report that her condition was serious; +and, as the leaving of a banana peel upon a public platform is in +its very nature "negligent," the company's lawyer would recommend +settlement. Thus "Banana Anna" was able to live in comfort if not +in luxury; and an infirmity that might under other circumstances +have been a curse became, in fact, a blessing. Of course she took +a new name and hired--temporarily--a new residence for each accident; +but, as she moved from city to city, she was able to keep up the +same old ruse for years. + +Perhaps our most interesting client was the one who made his living +by supplying "to the trade" all kinds of corporate bonds and +certificates of stock. Some of these bonds had originally been +issued by corporations in good standing, but had been exchanged, +cancelled, outlawed, or in some other way had become valueless. +How our client secured them I never discovered. He also dealt in +the repudiated bonds of Southern cities and States, which can be +purchased for practically nothing almost everywhere. + +His principal line of goods, however, was the bonds of companies +that he incorporated himself and disposed of at cut rates to a +clientele all his own. These companies all bore impressive names, +such as Tennessee Gas, Heat, and Power Company, the Mercedes-Panard- +Charon Motor Vehicle Supply Company, the Nevada Coal, Coke, Iron, +and Bi-product Company, the Chicago Banking and Securities Company, +the Southern Georgia Land and Fruit Company, and so on. He had an +impressive office in a marble-fronted building on Wall Street, +doors covered with green baize inside and gold lettering outside, +and he wore a tall hat and patent-leather shoes. He also had a +force of several young lady stenographers and clerks, who acted as +the officers and directors of his various concerns, all of which +were legally incorporated under the laws of West Virginia and New +Jersey. His clients were the gilt-edged "con" men of Wall and +Nassau Streets, who, when they needed them, could purchase a couple +of hundred engraved one-thousand-dollar bonds of imposing appearance, +in a real corporation, for a few hundred dollars in cash. + +Our client did not act as an officer of these himself, but merely +took a power of attorney from the president, secretary, and treasurer, +authorizing him to sign their names to these bond issues. Yet no +one ever saw these officers, all of whom had names connotative of +wealth and financial responsibility. The Gates, Morgan, Rogers, +and other families multiplied and brought forth at the mere wave +of his pen. If you wished a half-million bond issue you simply +called him up on the telephone and some "Light and Power Company" +would hold a directors' meeting and vote a fifty-year debenture +gold seven-per-cent security that you could peddle around at fifty- +eight and one-eighth to unsuspecting investors, so as to net them +merely thirteen per cent. on their money--when they got it. You +could buy a million in these bonds for about three hundred and +seventy-five dollars and fifty cents; but they were real bonds in +real companies and legally issued against some form of property, +even if it had no market value. Sometimes, I am told, these +securities paid interest for a year or so, and the suckers got +their friends in while there were a few left--bonds, I mean--there +are always suckers. + +Like other egoists, our client became careless as time went on and +one day took it upon himself to issue a few hundred bonds in a +company without holding a directors' meeting. He should not be +severely blamed for neglecting a detail of this sort when he was +so well aware of its purely formal if not farcical character. +Still, it was one of those little slips that even the most careful +of us will sometimes make, and the district-attorney took an +underhand advantage of our friend and indicted him for forging the +names of the officers of the company to an unauthorized issue of +bonds. Gottlieb and I had, perforce, to defend him; but, unfortunately, +his real defence would have been even worse than the charge. He +could not say that there was no real company and that there were +no such human beings as the persons whose names he had written +across the back of the bonds in question. + +Poor fellow! He was an absolutely innocent man. Yet he went to +Sing Sing for seven years for committing no crime at all. How +could he forge the names of persons who did not exist? However, +he had invented these financial Frankensteins and they finally +overwhelmed him. Somewhere lying around I have my share of the +fee in this case--I forget just where. It consists of fourteen +millions in the securities of the National Mortgage and Security +Company of Jampole, Mississippi. + + +CHAPTER VII + +The fear that most people have of the criminal law has its origin +in their ignorance of it. They are, luckily, most of them unfamiliar +with bailiffs and constables, except at a distance. The gruff +voice of authority has echoed but dimly for them. They have heard +of the "third degree," "the cooler," "the sweat-box," and "the +bracelets," yet they have never seen the inside of a station-house; +and their knowledge of jails, if they have any at all, is derived +from reading in their childhood of the miraculous escapes of Baron +Trenck or the Fall of the Bastille. They picture officers of the +law as human bulldogs, with undershot, foam-dripping jaws and +bloodshot eyes. The bourne--from which so many travellers never +return--bounded by the criminal statutes, is a _terra incognita_ +to the average citizen. A bailiff with a warrant for his arrest +would cause his instant collapse and a message that "all was +discovered" would--exactly as in the popular saw--lead him to flee +at once. + +Upon this dread of the unknown the criminal attorney plays whenever +possible. It is his strongest asset, his stock in trade. The +civil lawyer, vaguely believing that there must be a criminal law +to cover every obvious wrong, retains him to put the screws on the +evil-doer and bring him to terms. The man who has done a dirty +business trick--in reality a hundred miles from being a crime-- +engages the shyster to keep him out of jail. The practical weapon +of the criminal lawyer is the warrant of arrest. Just as at civil +law any one can bring a groundless suit and subject his enemy to +much annoyance and expense, so almost anybody can get almost anybody +else arrested. Of course if there is no justification for it a +suit for malicious prosecution and false arrest may arise; but most +persons who resort to such tactics are "judgment proof" and the +civil law has no terrors for them at all. At least fifty persons +out of every hundred would gladly pay an unrighteous claim rather +than be subjected to the humiliation of arrest, even if their +confinement were of the most temporary character. + +In New York the right of having the defendant arrested in certain +classes of civil cases is a matter of statute. It is a preliminary +remedy not half as much availed of as it might be. The young lady +who brings a breach-of-promise suit against her faithless follower +has the right to put him under arrest and make him give bail; and +the young gentleman who would laugh ordinarily at the mere service +of papers may well settle her claim if a sheriff whispers in his +ear that he has a warrant for his person. + +In the early days, before Gottlieb and I practised at the criminal +bar, a judgment creditor could arrest and lock up his delinquent +debtor. This was a most ancient and honorable form of redress; +and the reader has undoubtedly read dozens of novels in which some +of the scenes are laid in "Fleet Street." This locking up of people +who owed other people money but could not meet their just obligations +was sanctified by tradition and deeply rooted in our jurisprudence; +but the law governing the procedure in such cases was highly +technical and the wind of destiny was somewhat tempered to the +shorn lamb of the creditor. Thus, a warrant for the arrest of a +debtor could not be executed on the Sabbath, and, of course, had +no value outside of the State. Accordingly the neighboring cities +of New Jersey harbored thousands of bankrupt New Yorkers who could +not pay their bills and suffered a voluntary exile until they should +be in funds again. Indeed, there were certain hostelries entirely +given over to their accommodation. The man who had defied his +creditors simply converted his available property into ready cash +and slipped across the river to Jersey City or Hoboken, where he +remained six days in every week and returned to the bosom of his +adoring family on the seventh. + +Later on civil orders of arrest were limited by statute to certain +classes of cases, such as, for instance, the conversion of money. + +Among our clients there was a certain exceedingly attractive young +lady of French extraction, named Mademoiselle Valerie Carrell, who +was a popular favorite upon the light-opera stage when light opera +was in swaddling-clothes. Our fair client, like many another +histrionic genius, had more charm than business ability and was +persuaded by an unscrupulous manager to intrust to him a large sum +of money for investment in his various enterprises. Time went on, +and, although he seemed to be successful in his ventures, he insisted +that he had no money and was absolutely unable to repay her. In +utter desperation she came to Gottlieb and myself for assistance +and we speedily secured judgment for the full amount--fifteen +thousand dollars--after a hotly contested trial, in which the +defendant perjured himself very unlike a gentleman. The only result +was that Mr. Brown, the manager, gayly offered to settle for fifteen +hundred, and, on receiving a curt refusal, transferred his residence +to Hoboken, from which place he managed his business and paid +furtive visits to the metropolis in the night-time. On Sundays, +however, he always appeared in full regalia on Broadway and could +invariably be seen entertaining his friends lavishly in the +restaurants. + +Gottlieb suffered this course of conduct to become a habit and then +informed me that he proposed to collect the full amount of Mademoiselle +Carrell's judgment upon the following Monday. I expressed some +incredulity at the idea, but later events proved that my partner +was well justified in his prophecy. We had long before procured +a warrant for Brown's arrest and the only difficulty lay in executing +it upon a week-day. Sunday came and as usual Brother Brown, with +his customary bravado, made his appearance in the city. That +evening Gottlieb invited me to dine with him at the resort ordinarily +frequented by our quarry. True to his invariable custom, Brown +turned up there with a party of his cronies and spent the evening +in merry feasting, presumably upon the money of our client. It +was a clear, moonlight night and when the glowworm showed the matin +to be near--or, more correctly, when it neared twelve o'clock-- +Brown beckoned to the waiter, paid his bill out of a fat roll of +greenbacks, winked good-naturedly at us, and bade his friends good- +night. A moment or two later Gottlieb whispered to me to follow +him and we stepped forth upon the street. Brown was strolling +quietly down Broadway toward Twenty-third Street. A short distance +behind followed a thick-set man with a square-cut jaw whom I had +frequently noticed in Gottlieb's office. + +On the corner of the cross-town thoroughfare Brown paused, looked +first at the moon and then at his watch, and proceeded on his +constitutional toward the ferry. The street, save for a distant +and presumably somnolent policeman, was deserted. The thick-set +man crossed to the other side of the way, quickened his steps, +overtook and passed Brown, recrossed and sauntered toward him. A +moment later there was a collision between them, voices were raised +in angry altercation and presently Brown was rolling undignifiedly +on the pavement, his calls for the police rending the stillness of +the night. The officer hastily approached, whistling wildly for +aid. Gottlieb and I took refuge in an adjacent doorway. Abruptly, +however, Brown's outcries ceased. It is probably that a sudden +vision of the consequences of an appeal to police protection came +to him as he lay like an overturned June-bug upon the sidewalk. +But the law had been invoked. The car of Juggernaut had started +upon its course. + +"What's the trouble here?" cried the policeman, as he arrived +panting upon the scene. + +"This fellow here assaulted me!" instantly answered the man with +the bulldog jaw. + +"It's a lie!" bellowed Brown, climbing to his feet. + +"Well, what have you got to say?" inquired the officer. + +Brown hesitated. If he made a counter charge he realized that he +would have to go to the police station to make the complaint. This +would keep him in the city until after midnight. + +"Well?" continued the policeman. + +Still Brown paused, rapidly taking account of stock. If he did +not deny the charge in terms he would be locked up, which was just +as bad. But the bull-jawed chap spoke first. + +"I want this man arrested!" he insisted. "He deliberately attacked +me!" + +"I did no such thing!" shouted Brown. "He came at me without +provocation and knocked me down." + +"It took you long enough to say so," commented the officer. "I'll +have to take you along to the house. Come on, both of you." + +Grasping Brown by the arm, he marched him down the street. Suddenly +the unfortunate manager began to pour forth a long explanation, +quite incoherent so far as the policeman was concerned. He was +the victim of a frame-up--it was a job to get him arrested. The +officer remarked unsympathetically that he had heard that sort of +thing many times before. Gottlieb and I skulked in the rear. When +the police station was at last reached the thick-set man made a +charge of assault against the manager and Brown was compelled +perforce to make a similar charge against his adversary. Then both +were locked up to await a hearing the next morning in the magistrate's +court, when, after a prolonged examination, Brown was discharged +with an admonition against a too free indulgence in alcoholic +liquors. + +"Don't be hard on him, judge," said the bull-jawed man. "I had no +trouble in defending myself. I think he has had lesson enough." + +Much the worse for wear, Mr. Brown passed out of the court-room, +only to be confronted on the sidewalk by a marshal with a warrant +for his arrest. It was Monday morning. His period of immunity +was over. His eye caught Gottlieb and myself standing on the +corner. + +"Well, boys," he exclaimed ruefully, "I'm caught. How much is it +going to cost?" + +"Fifteen thousand dollars," answered Gottlieb, adding, after a +moment's pause--"and disbursements." + +I need hardly add that Mr. Brown lost no time in raising the +necessary ransom and within the hour had paid his judgment in full +and secured his discharge. The days are long since over, however, +when judgment defaulters had anything to fear; and now a beneficent +bankruptcy law, merely for the asking, washes all their debts away. +But the power to secure another's arrest is even more easily +available now than in the days of my early practice owing to the +great number of new crimes created by the statutes. + +One of the most ingenious devices for extorting money that ever +came to my attention was invented by a client of mine named Levine +--a poor sort of character, to be sure, but cleverer than many a +better man. In detail his method was as follows: He first bought +at wholesale a large quantity of cheap watches covered with gold +plate. To the inexperienced they looked as if they might possibly +be worth forty or fifty dollars apiece. They cost Levine about +two dollars and twenty-five cents each. His next step was to select +some small shop belonging to a plumber, grocer, or electrician +which was ordinarily left in the charge of a clerk while the owner +was out attending to his work or securing orders. Levine would +find some excuse for entering the shop, engage the clerk in +conversation, and having secured his attention would produce one +of his watches and extol its merits at length, explaining what a +great bargain it was and how--only owing to an exceptional +concatenation of circumstances--he was able to offer it for the +ridiculously low figure of thirty dollars. + +Now it never made any difference to Levine whether the clerk wanted +the watch or not. His procedure remained the same in all cases. +He would first offer to let the fellow have it by paying one dollar +a week on the installment plan. If this did not appeal to the +clerk Levine would persuade him to keep it for a short time on +approval, paying down a dollar "as security." Almost all of his +victims would agree to this if only to be rid of him. In default +of aught else he would lay the watch on the counter and run away. + +Nothing more would occur for a couple of weeks, during which the +clerk would hold the watch pending its owner's return, little +suspecting what was going on meantime. Levine, having "landed" +his watch, immediately swore to a verified complaint in an action +at law for "goods sold and delivered," setting forth on the date +in question he had sold--not to the clerk, but to his _employer_-- +a gold watch for the sum of fifty dollars, which the latter had +then and there promised to pay for at once. The complaint further +recited that the money had been duly demanded and payment refused, +and asked judgment for fifty dollars and the costs and disbursements +of the action. Levine would then procure from some irresponsible +person an affidavit that the latter had personally served a copy +of the complaint in question, together with a summons, upon the +defendant, and place the case on the calendar for trial. Of course +no papers were in fact served upon anybody and Levine would in due +course secure judgment by default for sixty-odd dollars. Armed +with a certified copy of the judgment and a writ of attachment, +and accompanied by a burly deputy marshal selected for the ferocity +of his appearance, Levine would wait until some opportune time when +the owner of the shop was again absent and the shop had been left +in charge of the same clerk or a member of the family. Bursting +roughly in, he would demand whether or not it was the intention of +the owner to pay the judgment, while at the same moment the deputy +would levy on the stock in trade. + +The owner of the shop, having been hastily summoned, would return +to demand angrily what the rumpus was all about. By this time the +clerk would have recovered his wits sufficiently to denounce the +proceeding as an outrage and the suit as baseless. But his master, +who saw judgment against himself for sixty dollars and his goods +actually under attachment, was usually in no mood to listen to, +much less believe, his clerk's explanations. At all events, they +availed naught, when Levine, with an expression of horror at such +deliberate mendacity on the part of the clerk, was wont to say: + +"Ask him, pray, whether he has not got the watch in his pocket at +this very moment!" + +Usually this was indeed the fact, as the clerk had no idea what +else to do with it until Levine should return. + +"So-ho!" his master would shout wrathfully. "What do you mean by +saying that you did not agree to buy the watch? Why, you have kept +it all the time! What's more, you've pretended to buy it in my +name! And now my shop is turned into a bear garden and there is +a judgment against me and my goods are attached! A fine result of +your extravagance!" + +"But I never agreed to buy it!" insists the clerk. "This man left +it here on approval!" + +"Pish!" answers the employer. "That is all very well; but what +have you to say to the judgment of the court? Now, my fine fellow, +you will either pay up this money that you owe or I'll advance it +myself and take it out of your wages." + +In every case, despite the protests of the clerk, the money would +be handed over and the shop released from levy. Unfortunately, +after working the game for several years, Levine came a cropper by +carelessly trying it on one of the same clerks that he had victimized +some time before. The clerk, being of an unusually vindictive +disposition, followed the matter up. Having first arrested the +man who made the false affidavit of service, he induced him to turn +State's evidence against my client and landed the latter in jail. +Being a great reader, however, Levine did not find his incarceration +particularly unpleasant; and, hearing of the Court of Appeals +decision in the McDuff case, he spent his time in devising new +schemes to take the place of his now antiquated specialty. On his +release he immediately became a famous "sick engineer" and for a +long time enjoyed the greatest prosperity, until one of his friends +victimized him at his own game by inducing him to bet ten thousand +dollars on the outcome of a prize-fight that he was simple-minded +enough to believe had already been fought and won. + +This was an elaborate variation of the ordinary wire-tapping game, +where the sucker or lamb is introduced to a person alleged to be +an inside official of a large telegraph company, who is ready to +sell advance information of the results of sporting events in return +for a share in the profits. The victim is taken to a supposed +"branch office" of the company and actually hears the results of +the races coming in over the wires and being telephoned to the pool- +rooms. Of course the whole place is merely a plant fitted up for +his benefit. He is then taken to a supposed pool-room and gives +up his money for the purpose of having it placed as a wager on a +horse-race already won. Under the McDuff case, it had been held +by the courts that he had parted with his money for an illegal and +dishonest purpose--to wit, in an attempt to win money from another +who was wagering his own money in good faith--and the rogue who +had seduced his conscience and slit his purse went free. This was +Levine's favorite field of operations. + +But his friend went him one better. Knowing that Levine had salted +away a lot of money, he organized a gang of "cappers" and boosters, +who made a great talk about the relative merits of two well-known +pugilists. It was given out that a fight was to be "pulled off" +up the Hudson and a party was made up to attend it. A private car +was taken by the friend in question and Levine was the guest of +honor. Champagne flowed freely. The fight came off in a deserted +barn near a siding above Poughkeepsie; and Levine wagered all of +his money, with other prosperous-looking guests in the car, under +the assumption that a bargain had been made between the "pugs" that +his man should win. But the supposed sports were all "boosters" +in his friend's pay and the other man won after a spirited exhibition, +which, although exciting, hardly consoled Levine for the loss of +his money. + +It is a curious fact that those of my clients who made great sums +from time to time in ways similar to these rarely had any money; +most of them died in abject poverty. Sooner or later all ran foul +of the law and had to give up to the lawyers all they had managed +to lay by. + +When at last John Holliday, a dealer in automatic musical instruments, +was "trimmed" out of sixty-five thousand dollars by various schemes +of this character, the tardy Legislature finally amended the penal +code in such a way as to do away with the farcical doctrine of the +McDuff case and drove all our erstwhile clients out of business. + + +CHAPTER VIII + +"Shake hands with Mr. Dillingham, Quib," said Gottlieb as I one +day unexpectedly entered the latter's office. "We have a matter +on hand in which he is interested." + +"Glad to know you, Mr. Quibble," quoth the client, extending a +rather soft hand. "Your name is well known to me, although I have +never personally had the pleasure of your acquaintance." + +"The future will, I trust, remedy that," I replied, not particularly +impressed with the stranger's features or expression, but conscious +somehow of the smell of money about him. For he was short and fat +and wore a brown surtout and a black stovepipe hat, and his little +gray eyes peeped out of full, round, red cheeks. On his lower lip +he wore a tiny goatee. + +"As I was saying," he continued, turning again to my partner, "we +all of us make mistakes and I made the biggest one when I annexed +the present Mrs. D. I was a young fool hardly out of my teens, +and the sight of a pretty face and a tearful story of woe were too +much for me. She was an actress. _Comprenez?_ A sort of Lydia +Languish, la-de-da kind of a girl. Oh, she caught me fast enough, +and it was only after I had swallowed the hook, sinker and all, +that I found out she was married." + +"Ho-ho!" remarked Gottlieb. "The old story." + +"The same little old story," assented Dillingham. "Take a cigar?" +He produced a well-filled case. + +I dropped into a chair and hitched it toward them. + +"Now, the fact of the matter is," continued he, "she wouldn't look +at me as long as she was tied to her husband, miserable rat though +he was; and he was and is a rat! I could call and take her out to +dinner, and all that, but--pst! nothing more! and she was always +telling me how I was her good angel and inspired her to higher +things! Gad! even then it bored me! But I could see nothing but +her face. You know how it is. I was twenty-six and a clerk in a +hardware house." + +He laughed grimly. + +"Well, as luck would have it, my Uncle John died just about that +time and left me ten thousand dollars and I started in to make her +my own by getting her a divorce. Now, this husband of hers was a +wretched fellow--the son of a neighbor--who never got beyond being +a waiter in a railroad station. Say, it is rather rough, eh? To +think of me, Dillingham, of Dillingham, Hodges & Flynn, the biggest +independent steel man in the State, tied up to a pale-faced woman +who can't speak the King's English properly and whose first husband +is a waiter--yes, a waiter to-day, understand, in a railroad +restaurant at Baltimore! It makes me sick every time I go to +Washington. I can't eat--fact! So I hired a lawyer for her--you +know him, I guess--Bunce. Oscar Willoughby Bunce! And he prepared +divorce papers--Oh, we had cause enough! And the next time Hawkins +--that was the husband's name, Arthur P. Hawkins--came over to New +York, to borrow some money from his wife, Bunce slapped a summons +on him. It makes me squirm to think how delighted I was to know +we had actually begun our case. Hawkins hired a lawyer, I believe, +and pretended he was going to put up a defence, but I bought him +off and we got our decree by default. Then, gentlemen"--Dillingham +paused with a wry face--"I had the inestimable privilege of marrying +my present wife!" + +He sucked meditatively on his cigar for a few moments before resuming +his narrative. + +"Curious, isn't it--the fascination of the stage? You, gentlemen, +probably have observed it even more than I have; but when he sees +a slim girl with yellow curls capering around in tights behind the +footlights, a young man's imagination runs riot and he fancies her +the incarnation of coquetry and the personification of vivacious +loveliness. I admit it--the present Mrs. Dillingham was a dancer. +On the stage she used to ogle me out of my shoes and off it she'd +help me spend my money and drink my wine and jolly me up to beat +the cars; but once I'd married her she changed completely. Instead +of a dashing, snappy, tantalizing sort of a little Yum-Yum, she +turned religious and settled down so you wouldn't have known her. +There was nothing in it. Instead of a peach I had acquired a lemon. +I expected champagne and found I was drinking buttermilk. Get me? +You would never have guessed she'd been inside a theatre in her +life. Well, we got along the best we could and she made a hit at +the church, as a brand plucked from the burning. Used to tell her +experiences Friday nights and have all the parsons up to five- +o'clock tea. Meanwhile I forgot my romantic dreams of flashing +eyes and twinkling feet and began to get interested in business. +To-day I'm worth real money and am on top of the heap downtown; +but socially--Good Lord! the woman's a millstone! She's grown fat +and talks through her nose, and--" + +"You want to get rid of her," finished Gottlieb. + +"Exactly!" answered Dillingham. "How much will it cost?" + +"I think you had better give me your check for ten thousand dollars +to begin with," replied my partner. "Such a case presents great +difficulties--almost insuperable without money. I am not even sure +that what you want can be accomplished without running grave personal +risks--not on your part, but on ours. Such risks must be compensated +for. What you desire, I take it, is to have your marriage annulled. +To do that it will be necessary to prove that the divorce procured +by Mrs. Dillingham from her former husband, Hawkins, was improperly +and illegally granted. We must knock out the decree in Hawkins +_versus_ Hawkins somehow or other. To be frank with you, it may +cost you a large sum." + +"It is worth it," answered Dillingham. "Free me from this woman +and I'll give you twenty-five thousand dollars." + +"Make it thirty-five thousand dollars," coaxed Gottlieb. + +"Well, then, thirty-five thousand dollars," said Dillingham after +a pause. + +"But you must promise to do exactly what we tell you!" continued +my partner. + +"I expect to," replied the other. + +"Very good, then," said Gottlieb. "In the first place, the original +decree is no good unless the summons actually was served on Hawkins +and the suit properly commenced. Now, perhaps Bunce served the +wrong man. He didn't know Hawkins. The latter was merely pointed +out to him. Already I begin to feel that there is grave doubt as +to whether the proceedings in Hawkins _versus_ Hawkins were ever +legally initiated." + +"Hold on, Mr. Gottlieb!" remonstrated Dillingham. "You want to go +easy there. After Hawkins was served he retained a lawyer. I know +that, dammit, because it cost me twenty-five hundred dollars to +get rid of him." + +"What was his name?" asked Gottlieb sharply. + +"Crookshank--Walter E. Crookshank--down on Nassau Street." + +Gottlieb gave a short, dry laugh. + +"Luck's with you, Dillingham. Crookshank died three years ago." + +None of us broke silence for the space of about two minutes. + +"You see now why this sort of thing costs money?" finally remarked +my partner. + +Dillingham wiped his forehead with his handkerchief nervously. + +"Say," he began, "isn't that taking a pretty long chance? I--" + +"It is taking no chance at all," retorted Gottlieb, his little eyes +glistening like a snake's. "You have simply retained us to see if +your wife's original divorce was regular--not to see if it was +irregular--catch on? You tell us nothing. We ask you nothing. +We make our investigation. Much to our surprise and horror, we +discover that the defendant never was served--perhaps that he never +even knew of the proceeding until years afterward. We don't know +what you know. We simply advise you the divorce is N. G. and you +ask no questions. We'll attend to all that--for our thirty-five +thousand dollars." + +"Well, you know your business," responded Dillingham hesitantly, +"and I leave the matter in your hands. How long will it take?" + +"Everything now depends on our friend Hawkins," replied Gottlieb. +"We may be able to hand you your manumission papers in three +months." + +When Dillingham had written out his check and bade us good day I +no longer made any pretence of concealing from my partner my +perturbation. I had, of course, known that from time to time we +had skated on thin ice; but this was the first occasion upon which +Gottlieb had deliberately acknowledged to a client that he would +resort to perjury to accomplish his ends. + +"Don't you think we're running entirely too close to the wind?" I +asked, pacing up and down the office. + +"My dear Quib," answered Gottlieb soothingly, "don't agitate yourself +over so trifling a matter. The only living man who can prove that +Hawkins was served is Bunce--and Bunce is a fool. At best it would +simply be one swearing against the other. We have a perfect right +to believe Hawkins in preference to Bunce if we choose. Anyhow, +we're not the judge. All we have to do is to present the evidence +at our command--if we can get it. And, by God! we will get it if +it costs us ten thousand dollars! Why, Quib, the thing is a +windfall. Thirty-five thousand! Why, thirty-five _hundred_ for +such a case would be a big fee!" + +"I don't know!" I answered, for I felt a curious premonition in +the matter. "Something tells me that we ought to take no chances." + +"Come, come!" quoth Gottlieb, with a light show of irritation. +"Don't lose your nerve. You've done many a worse thing than this, +to my own knowledge!" + +I do not pretend to any virtue in the matter and yet I must admit +to some feelings of compunction about Mrs. Dillingham. Truth to +tell, I had taken a strong dislike to her husband, with his sleek +confidence and cold-blooded selfishness. In addition, I was quite +sure that there was some other fell reason why he wished to divorce +her--probably he had another marriage in contemplation, even if he +had not admitted it. + +"I wish we could make the beggar do his own dirty work," I +exclaimed. + +"But what does he pay us for?" inquired Gottlieb innocently. "Quib, +just think of the money!" + +I had, in fact, been thinking of the money, and it looked very good +to me. Since my days in Haight & Foster's law office, a great, +great change had come in my manner of life; and, though my friends +to a great extent remained among the theatrical and sporting class +to which I had received my first introduction on coming to New +York, I now occupied a large brick house with stone trimmings in +Washington Square, where I entertained in truly luxurious fashion. +I had a French cook and an English butler, and drove a pair of +trotters that were second to none except those of William H. +Vanderbilt, with whom I had many a fast brush on the speedways. + +Though I had never allowed myself to be caught in the net of +matrimony, I had many friends among the fair sex, particularly +among those who graced the footlights; and some of my evening +parties did not break up until dawn was glinting over the roofs of +the respectable mansions round about me. It was a gay life, but +it cost money--almost more money than I could make; and my share +in the thirty-five thousand dollars offered by our friend Dillingham +would go a long way to keeping up my establishment for another +year. So I allowed my qualms to give me no further uneasiness and +told myself that Gottlieb was clever enough to manage the business +in such a fashion that there would be no "come-back." + +A week or so later I encountered in our office a narrow-shouldered, +watery-eyed, reddish-nosed party that I instantly recognized for +Hawkins. There could be no doubt about the matter, for he had a +way of standing at attention and thrusting his head forward when +addressed that were unmistakable. He was waiting, it turned out, +for Gottlieb, who had sent for him to come on from Baltimore; and +the readiness with which he had responded could be better accounted +for by the five hundred dollars which he had received at the hands +of our emissary for travelling expenses than by any desire on his +part to regain the society of the present Mrs. Dillingham. + +"I suppose," began Gottlieb when he had retired to the seclusion +of his inner office, "that you fully understand that the divorce +secured by your wife is inoperative--Tut! Tut! Don't interrupt +me!"--for Hawkins had opened his mouth in protest--"for the reason +--for the very good reason, I repeat--that you were never served +with any summons or notified that the proceeding had been commenced. +Am I correct?" + +Hawkins grinned and turned his watery eyes from one of us to the +other. + +"Quite so, sir!" he stuttered. "Exactly, sir!" + +"Now, on the contrary, if any one says you were served with such +a paper, it was quite impossible for the reason--by the way, what +_was_ the reason?" + +Hawkins dropped one eyelid to a narrow slit and pursed his lips. + +"Quite impossible, sir! The fact is, sir, I was waitin' on a dinin'- +car that ran at the time between San Antonio and New Orleans, sir." + +"You see, Quib?" exclaimed Gottlieb. "My suspicions in the matter +were quite correct. This gentleman has been most outrageously +treated! If you will kindly retire for a moment--as I have a matter +which I wish to discuss with him privately--I will turn him over +to you for the purpose of taking his affidavit." + +A few moments thereafter Hawkins appeared in my office, apparently +in the act of stuffing something into his pocket, and announced +that he was ready to sign his "davy." Although I had no taste for +the business, there was nothing for it but to do my part; so I +called in a stenographer and dictated the following: + +"SUPREME COURT--COUNTY OF NEW YORK + +"RUFUS P. DILLINGHAM, Plaintiff ) + _against_ ) _Action for Annulment of Marriage_ + LILIAN DILLINGHAM, Defendant ) + +"CITY AND COUNTY OF NEW YORK, _ss_.: + +"ARTHUR P. HAWKINS, being duly sworn, deposes and says: That he +is forty-three years old, a waiter by occupation, and resides in +the city of Baltimore, Maryland; that he was married to the defendant +herein on the eighteenth day of June, 187-, and thereafter lived +with her as man and wife until the month of December, 1882, when +for some reason unknown to deponent the defendant left his house +and did not thereafter return; that he has recently learned that +said defendant, in July, 1887, procured a decree of divorce against +him in the county and State of New York, upon grounds of which +deponent is totally ignorant, and that thereafter said defendant +contracted a marriage with one Rufus P. Dillingham, the plaintiff +therein; that deponent was never served with any summons or complaint +in said action of divorce and had no knowledge or information that +any such proceeding was pending against him; that he never appeared +in such proceeding and until recently always supposed that the +defendant was his lawful wife. + +"Sworn to before me this fourteenth ) + day of September, 1894 ) ARTHUR P. HAWKINS +"ISAAC M. COHEN, +"Notary Public, New York County." + +There was something about this seedy rascal that filled me with +disgust and suspicion, and he looked at me out of the corners of +his evil eyes as if he knew that by some trick of fate he had me +in his power and was gloating over it. Even while he was swearing +to the paper he had a sickly sneer on his pimply face that sickened +me, and when Cohen, my clerk, administered the oath to him he had +the audacity to wink in his face and answer: + +"It's the truth--_not!_" + +Cohen, who knew a thing or two and had taken affidavits before, +merely laughed, but the words sent a shiver down my spine and I +snarled out: + +"Be careful what you're saying! Do you swear that this affidavit +of yours is true?" + +"Yes, sir! Yes, sir!" he hastened to answer, somewhat chagrined +at my not taking as a joke what he had intended for one. + +"Very well," I said to Cohen. "Show the gentleman out. I'm very +busy. Good-day." + +Afterward I would have given all the money I possessed to undo what +I had done. + + +The case of Dillingham _versus_ Dillingham duly came on for trial, +with Oscar Willoughby Bunce as the chief witness for defendant. +He had visited our office several times in an attempt to convince +us that we were entirely misinformed in regard to the service of +the papers in the original action and had insisted vehemently that +he had personally delivered them to Hawkins in the office of the +Astor House. Gottlieb had gently assured him that he must be +mistaken and bowed him out, but Bunce for once in his little toy +career was "all up in the air." He felt that his own integrity +was, in some mysterious way, at stake, since it was upon his own +testimony to the effect that he had made the service of the papers +in question that the original decree had in part been granted. +The case was sent to a referee for hearing, and on the morning of +the day set Gottlieb called me into his office and said: + +"Harkee, Quib! I've a plan that will put our little friend Bunce's +nose out of joint for good. It is nearly seven years now since he +has seen Hawkins and it was then only for a moment." + +"Well," said I, "what is your game?" + +"Come along to the hearing and you'll find out, my lad," answered +Gottlieb. "Don't fail if you want to see some fun." + +Curious to discover what trick Gottlieb would be able to play, I +accordingly arranged my work so as to attend the hearing, which +was to be held in the referee's office in an old wooden building +on Broadway. As I climbed the stairs I caught sight of Hawkins +skulking on one of the landings, but he laid a finger on his lips +and I passed on and up to the attorney's office. The room, like +most old-fashioned lawyers' offices, was but dimly lighted, and on +entering I found the other side, with the exception of Mrs. +Dillingham, already there. The referee sat at one end of a large +table, surrounded by his books, with his stenographer beside him; +and to his left sat Bunce and a lawyer named Stires, the present +"attorney of record" for the defendant. I took my seat opposite +them, introduced myself to the referee and waited. In a few moments +the door opened noisily and Gottlieb entered with much bustle, +accompanied by a clerk carrying books and papers and by a perfectly +strange man, arrayed in very new clothes, who seemed much embarrassed +and doubtful as to what he should do. + +"Good afternoon, gentlemen!" exclaimed Gottlieb breezily. "I regret +to have kept you waiting, but I was unavoidably detained. Shall +I sit down here? Yes? Very good. Please take your seat beside +me, Mr. Hawkins." + +The stranger blushed, fumbled his hat, and sat down bashfully in +the place designated. + +"Are you ready to proceed, gentlemen?" inquired the referee over +his spectacles. "Call your first witness." + +Bunce, who had been fidgeting in his eagerness to tell what he +knew, instantly bobbed up and asked to be sworn. + +After giving his name, age, and profession, he detailed how he had +prepared the papers in the original case of Hawkins _versus_ Hawkins +and served them upon the defendant personally at the Astor House. + +"I handed them to Mr. Hawkins myself and explained them to him. +He was dressed very much as he is now," cried Bunce. + +"Do you positively identify this gentleman on your oath as the +person you served with the summons and complaint?" inquired Gottlieb +as if the matter were merely one of routine. + +"Absolutely!" retorted Bunce hotly. "I could identify him anywhere +by the shape of his nose. I took especial pains to remark his +appearance in case the service should ever be disputed." + +"Thank you. That is all," said Gottlieb. Then turning to the +stranger he directed him to take the stand. + +"What is your name?" he asked sternly. + +"Aaron Finkelstein--as you know very well, Mr. Gottlieb," answered +the stranger. + +"Do you recognize this gentleman who has just testified?" indicating +Bunce. + +"As far as I know I never saw him in my life," answered Finkelstein. + +"Did he ever serve you with any papers--in the Astor House or +anywhere else?" + +"Never." + +"What is your business?" + +"I am an undertaker." + +In an instant the room was in a turmoil, Bunce screaming out that +he had been tricked by a parcel of shysters, Gottlieb indignantly +defending his ruse as a perfectly proper method of discrediting +Bunce, and the referee vainly endeavoring to restore order. As +for myself, in spite of my anxiety over the whole affair, I could +not do otherwise than laugh heartily over Bunce's ludicrous mistake. +When Hawkins was brought in from outside, and, after proclaiming +his identity, denied ever being served in the original action, the +referee was but little inclined to listen to Lawyer Bunce, who now +corrected his testimony and swore just as insistently that the real +Hawkins was the person to whom he had given the papers in the case. + +Here, then, was as pretty a trick as had ever been played upon an +unsuspecting and well-meaning lawyer; and by it Gottlieb had so +strengthened our position that, very likely, the referee would have +found for our side even had not Hawkins taken it upon himself to +swear the matter through. Moreover, the only person who could have +disproved the latter's testimony or given evidence that might have +militated against its probability--to wit, Crookshank, his former +attorney--was dead and buried, and it seemed as if truth were buried +with him. On the way back to our office I congratulated my partner +on the Napoleonic strategy which he had displayed and a few days +later a more substantial compliment followed, in the shape of an +unqualified finding in our favor on the part of the referee. + +"Was ever thirty-five thousand dollars earned so easily!" laughed +Gottlieb over his cigar as we were dining at Delmonico's. + +"So long as Hawkins stays bought--yes," I answered. + +"Don't be a death's head, Quib!" he retorted. "Why, even if he +turned State's evidence, no one would believe him! Have another +glass of this vintage--we can drink it every night now for a year +at Dillingham's expense!" + +"Well, here's to you, Gottlieb!" I answered, filling my goblet with +creaming wine; "and here's to crime--whereby we live and move and +have our being!" + +And we clinked our glasses and drained them with a laugh. + +I had now been a resident of New York for upward of twenty years +and had acquired, as the junior member of the firm of Gottlieb & +Quibble, an international reputation. It is true that my partner +and I felt it to be beneath our dignity to advertise in the newspapers +--and, indeed, advertising in New York City was for us entirely +unnecessary--but we carried a card regularly in the English journals +and received many retainers from across the water; in fact, we +controlled practically all the theatrical business in the city, +drawing the contracts for the managers and being constantly engaged +in litigations on their behalf. We had long since abandoned as +trivial all my various profit-sharing schemes, and, with the +exception of carrying on our pay-rolls many of the attendants +attached to the police and other criminal courts, had practically +no "runners." We did not need any. There was no big criminal case +in which we were not retained for the defence and rarely a divorce +action of any notoriety where we did not appear for one of the +parties. + +This matter of Hawkins's was the first in twenty years in which he +had ever deliberately faked an entire case! Yet, if ever there +was a safe opportunity to do so, this seemed the one, and I cannot +even now charge Gottlieb with recklessness in taking the chances +that he did; but, as luck would have it, there were two facts +connected with the Dillingham annulment the significance of which +we totally overlooked--one, that Bunce was not so much of a fool +as he looked, and the other, that Mrs. Dillingham was a mother. + +Once, however, judgment had been entered to the effect that Mrs. +Dillingham had never lawfully ceased to be Mrs. Hawkins, then the +real reason of our client's anxiety to be rid of his wife and her +child, a girl of six years, became apparent; for he instantly +announced his engagement to a fashionable widow, who lacked money +if not experience, and who needed the one as much as he had a super- +abundance of the other. He made a fairly liberal allowance for +his child and its mother, and since this was paid monthly through +our office, I had an opportunity of making their acquaintance; and +I confess that I had no sooner done so than I began to have a sort +of regret for my own part in the transaction. For Mrs. Dillingham +--Hawkins, or whatever she was--proved to be a rather sweet-faced +young woman, with great, sad blue eyes and a winsomely childish +innocence of expression that concealed, as I afterward found out, +a will of iron and a heart full of courage. + +She used to come and wait for Gottlieb or me to pay over her money, +and while she waited she would sit there so helplessly, looking +withal so lovely, that the clerks cannot be blamed for having talked +to her. Incidentally she extracted from the susceptible Cohen +various trifles in the way of information which later proved highly +inconvenient. Yet she never asked me or my partner any questions +or showed the slightest resentment at the part we had played as +her husband's attorneys in ruining her life. Sometimes she brought +the little girl with her and I marvelled that Dillingham could have +sacrificed such a charming little daughter so easily. + +Six months passed and the Dillingham scandal ceased to be a matter +of public or even of private interest. Other affairs, equally +profitable, engaged our attention, and the waiter, Hawkins, having +received a substantial honorarium from the firm's bank account, +had passed completely out of our minds. I had that winter been +giving a series of dinners at my house to actor clients and their +managers, and these had proved conspicuously successful for the +reason that my guests were of the sort who, after the wine had +begun to flow, had no hesitation in entertaining the rest of the +company by an exhibition of their talents. Occasionally, as part +of the fun, I would do a bit of a turn myself by way of reviving +old memories of the Cock and Spur and my Athenaeum days in Boston. + +It was on one of these festive occasions--not unlike, my readers +may recall, my famous translation from college during my banquet +at the Cambridge Tavern--that Fate struck me my first severe blow. +My guests were still sitting at table while one of the ladies +executed a fantastic dance amid the wine-glasses, when my butler +touched me upon the arm and whispered that Mr. Gottlieb was outside +and desired to see me on urgent business. Excusing myself, I +hurried out, greeting my partner rather impatiently, as I disliked +to be interrupted by business details in my hours of relaxation; +but one sight of his weazened little hawk face sufficed to tell me +that no trifling matter was at stake. He was in his day clothes, +which were even more than ordinarily dishevelled, and his face, +usually pale, was chalklike. + +"Quibble," he cried in a rasping voice as soon as my man had gone, +"our luck's turned! That woman has tricked us. She and Bunce went +down to Crookshank's office and, under the pretext of looking for +some deed or release, went through his papers and turned up some +letters from Hawkins in regard to the original divorce proceedings. +They've got one in which he admits being served by Bunce in the +Astor House and asks Crookshank to appear for him. They've got +another, written after Dillingham had fixed him, telling Crookshank +to put in no defence. Yesterday she and Bunce went before the +grand jury, who returned an indictment against Hawkins for perjury. +Then she telegraphed him to come on to New York and meet her to +arrange some money matters; and when he stepped off the train this +afternoon he was arrested and taken to police head-quarters." + +"My God!" I cried, turning quite faint. "What's to be done?" + +"Get him out of the way as soon as possible!" answered Gottlieb, +his lips trembling. "To-morrow morning he will be arraigned in +the General Sessions. They are going to ask for fifty thousand +dollars bail. We've got to have it. It's the only thing that +stands between us and State prison, for they've got the goods on +Hawkins and unless we see him safe he'll turn on us and help them +send us up!" + +"Have you seen him?" I gasped. + +"I've just come from head-quarters," he answered. "The fool had +been drinking and had given up a lot of information already. So +I frightened him until he agreed to shut up. They trouble is we +gave him too much money. He says now that unless we protect him +and keep him out of State prison he will give up the whole game to +the district attorney. That would be fun, wouldn't it? The district +attorney wouldn't waste much time on Arthur P. Hawkins if he could +land Gottlieb & Quibble in jail for subornation of perjury, would +he--eh? We've got to scratch gravel--and quick too!" + +"But where can we raise fifty thousand dollars?" I groaned +helplessly. + +"Dillingham," he retorted without hesitation. "He's our only hope. +He's in as bad as the rest of us. If we go we can pull him along +too. I understand that the woman is prepared to swear not only +that Hawkins admitted to her that he was properly served, but that +she told this to Dillingham, and that he and Hawkins talked the +thing over in her presence. Besides, Cohen confessed to me to-day +that she had pumped him all about Hawkins's coming over to New York +and signing papers; and, although he swears he didn't tell her +anything in particular, yet I don't trust the idiot. No, Quib; +it's bad business and we've got to get Hawkins out of the way at +any cost." + +It was not until nearly three o'clock in the morning that I discovered +Dillingham's whereabouts, which happened to be at the Fifth Avenue +house of a fashionable friend, where he was playing draw poker. +He greeted me in much the same inhospitable fashion that I had +accorded to Gottlieb, but only a few words were needed to convince +him of the gravity of the case. I had never loathed the man more +than I did at that instant when, with a cigar stuffed in his fat +face, he came out of the card-room, dressed in his white waistcoat +and pearl studs, and with a half-drunken leer asked what I wanted. + +"I want fifty thousand dollars to keep you and me out of State +prison!" I cried. + +He turned a sickly yellow and gave a sort of choking gasp. + +"Hawkins!" he muttered. "Damn him!" + +Then Dillingham had a sort of fit, due no doubt partly to the fact +that he had drunk more champagne than was good for him; for he +trembled with a kind of ague and then broke out in a sweat and +blubbered, and uttered incoherent oaths, until I was half beside +myself lest he should keep it up all night and I should not get +the money from him. But at last he regained control of himself +and promised to borrow the fifty thousand dollars the first thing +in the morning and to have it at my office at ten o'clock. Yet, +as I bade him good night, he had another turn of terror and his +teeth chattered in his head as he stammered out that he was a ruined +man, that he had cast off a good wife for a deceitful hussy who +only wanted his money, that he had lost his child, that now his +career was over, and that, unless I stood by him, he would end his +days in prison. This was hardly the sort of encouragement I wanted; +and though his words brought the cold sweat out upon my back, I +told him pretty sharply that he had better pull himself together +and not be any more of a fool than he could help, that all we needed +was enough money to whip Hawkins out of the way, and that if he +would "come up" with the needful we would look out for him. I left +him a disgusting sight, sitting in a red plush armchair, with his +face in his hands, his hair streaking down across his forehead, +moaning and mumbling to himself. + +Outside, the city slept the prenatal sleep of dawn. A pale greenish +veil hung over the roofs, through which day must peer before +awakening those who slept beneath. I had often noticed this greenish +color in the sky, made doubtless by the flare of gas and electricity +against the blue-black zenith, yet never before had I felt its +depressing character. It was the green of jealousy, of disappointment, +of envy, hatred, and malice and all uncharitableness! The city +trembled in its sleep and the throbbing of its mighty pulse beat +evilly upon my ears with distant hostile rumblings. I was alone +in it and in danger. Disaster and ruin were looking for me around +the corner. I was like a child, helpless and homeless. I could +not call upon God, for I did not believe in Him. + +It came home to me, as I stood there in the night upon the open +street, that there was not one soul among all the city's sleeping +millions who owed me aught but harm, and that even those who had +drunk the wine of my hospitality had done so more in fear than in +friendship. I had no friends but those who were bound to me in +some devil's bargain--no kith, no kin, nor the memory of a mother's +love. As I lingered there, like some outcast beast waiting for +day to drive me to my lair, I envied, with a fierce hatred and with +a bitter and passionate pity for myself, those to whom Fate had +been more kind and given home and wife and children, or at least +the affection of their fellow men, and I envied the lads I had +known in college who led clean lives and who had shunned me--they +knew not why--and the happy-go-lucky Quirk and his busy wife; and +even old Tuckerman Toddleham, in his dingy office in Barristers' +Hall. + + +CHAPTER IX + +Daybreak found me still wandering in the streets, haunted by the +fear that the police might already be upon my track and furious at +the thought that one foolish step should have changed me from a +prosperous and powerful member of the bar into a fugitive. Often +in earlier days I had pitied the wretches who would come slinking +into our office after nightfall, empty their pockets of gold and +notes--taken often, no doubt, by force or fraud from others--and +pour it out before us, begging for our aid to save them from +punishment. It seemed incredible to me that human beings should +have staked their liberty and often their lives for a few wretched +dollars. Outcasts, they skulked through existence, forced, once +they had begun, to go on and on committing crimes--on the one hand +to live, and on the other to pay tribute to Gottlieb and myself, +who alone stood between them and jail. How they had cringed to +us. We were their masters, cracking the lash of blackmail across +their shoulders and sharing equally, if invisibly, in their crimes! +And how I had scorned them--fools, as they seemed to me, to take +such desperate chances! Yet, as the sun rose, I now saw myself as +one of the beings whom I had so despised. We were no longer their +masters--they were our masters! Hawkins had us in his power. He +alone could prevent us from donning prison stripes. + +Already the streets were beginning to stir. Wagons rumbled along +the pavements. Streams of people emerged from the caverns of the +east and trudged westward across the city. I circled the square +and entered it from the lower side. My big brick mansion, with +its stone trimmings--the home where I had held my revels and +entertained my friends, where I had worked and slept--was but a +stone's throw away. I strained my eyes to detect any signs of the +police; but the street was empty. Then, pulling my hat down upon +my head, I turned up my coat-collar and, glancing from side to +side, hurried across the square and let myself in. + +The household still slept. The air was close and heavy with the +perfume of roses and the reek of dead cigars. On the floor of the +entrance hall lay a pair of woman's white gloves, palms upward. +Beyond, through the open doors of the dining-room, I could see the +uncleared table, littered over with half-empty bottles and glasses. +An upset chair reclined as it had fallen. Last night I had been +an envied host; to-day I was an outcast. + +As I stood there, a shadow darkened the doorway and with a leap of +the heart I jumped behind a portière. Then, as the shadow remained +and knowing that in any event I was trapped, I threw open the door. +Gottlieb, with wild eyes peering out of a haggard face, stood before +me. Without a moment's hesitation, he dodged inside. + +"Did you get it?" he almost shrieked. + +"Yes," I answered faintly. "What are we to do?" + +"For God's sake give me something to drink!" he cried. "I need it!" + +I led him to the sideboard and filled two glasses with whiskey. + +"Here's to crime!" I muttered, with a bitter laugh. + +Gottlieb shot a fierce look at me and his hand shook so that I +thought he would drop the tumbler; but he poured the liquor down +his throat and threw himself into a chair. + +"That fellow has us by the throat!" he groaned. + +"We should have thought of that--" I began. + +"Stop!" he gasped. "You can hold a post-mortem later on. They +haven't got us yet--and, by God! we've a long start. Once let us +whip Hawkins out of the way and they're helpless! I must stay here +to fight the case, but you, Quib, must take this fellow where +they'll never find him--Africa, Alaska, Europe--anywhere! If you +could drop him over a precipice or off an ocean liner--so much the +better!" + +For an instant we eyed each other keenly. Then I shook my head. + +"No," said I. "If it came to that I'd rather go to jail." + +It was now nearly seven o'clock and I felt faint for something to +eat; so I stumbled upstairs and awakened my butler, who stared at +me stupidly when he saw me beside his bed in evening dress. When +I rejoined Gottlieb I found him examining the morning paper, which +a boy had just brought to the front door. Across the front page +in double-leaded type was printed: + +THE DILLINGHAM DIVORCE AGAIN + +Arthur P. Hawkins Indicted for Perjury + +Extraordinary Disclosures Expected + +Two Prominent Criminal Attorneys Said to be Involved + +"They've raised the hue and cry already!" muttered my partner, +pointing to the paper. "Damn them! How ready they are to turn on +a man! Think of all the stories I've given to these very papers! +Stories worth thousands of dollars to 'em! And now--they're after +our hearts' blood!" + +While we were waiting for our breakfast he outlined his plan. We +were to get Hawkins out of town as soon as we had given bail for +him. Of course the railroads and ferries would be watched, but we +could manage somehow. I must take the fellow where nobody would +find him and keep him there. If he ever were brought back and +convicted he would turn on us like a snake. Only while he still +hoped to escape prison could we count on his co-operation. Meanwhile +my partner would remain in the city and try to upset the indictment. +Anyhow, some one must stand guard over Dillingham; for, if he lost +his nerve and endeavored to save himself by confessing his part in +the affair, we would be lost! + +Gloomily we ate a few pieces of toast and swallowed our coffee. +Then I hastily changed my clothes and accompanied Gottlieb to the +Tombs, to which Hawkins had been transferred the night before. He +was brought down to us in the counsel-room, looking like a scared +and sickly ghost. What little spirit he had before had already +vanished. I have never seen a more wretched human creature. His +one dread was of going to prison; and together we hastened to +convince him that his only avenue of escape lay through us. We +pointed out to him that so long as he stuck to the story we should +prepare for him he had nothing to fear; and, as evidence of our +power to protect him, we instanced the fact that we had already +secured fifty thousand dollars' cash bail for him. At this he took +much heart, and even whistled a bit and begged us for a drink, but +we slapped him on the back and told him that he could have anything +he wanted once he was outside the Tombs--not before; so he gave us +a cold, slimy hand and promised to do precisely as we wished. + +Ten-thirty came and we both walked across to Part One of the General +Sessions, where for so many years we had been monarchs of all we +surveyed. A great throng filled the room and many reporters +clustered around the tables by the rail, while at the head of a +long line of waiting prisoners stood the bedraggled Hawkins. +Presently the judge came in and took his seat and the spectators +surged forward so that the officers had difficulty in preserving +order. Somehow, it seemed almost as if we were being arraigned +ourselves--not appearing as counsel for another; but Gottlieb +preserved his composure admirably and, when Hawkins's name was +called, stepped forward, entered a plea of not guilty for him and +gave bail. We had already deposited the money with the city +chamberlain and Hawkins was immediately discharged, pending his +trial for perjury; but the tremendous sum demanded as security and +the fact that it was immediately forthcoming for a prisoner who +looked as if he had not a cent in the world of his own, and who +was known to be a mere waiter in a restaurant, caused a sensation +throughout the court-room; and as we forced our way to the street +we were accompanied by a multitude, who jeered at the defendant +and occasionally took a fling at Gottlieb and myself. We still, +however, were persons to be feared, and few dared venture beyond +making suggestive allusions to our obvious desire to secure the +immediate liberty of our client. + +So far we had no reason to believe that the district attorney--a +man of high integrity and unrelenting zeal in the discharge of his +official duties--had sought to tamper with Hawkins; but I instinctively +felt that, once he had an opportunity to offer the latter personal +immunity in return for a confession which would implicate Gottlieb +and myself all would be over. As my partner had said, there was +only one thing to do--and that was to put it out of our client's +power to do us harm. The first step in this direction was to get +him hopelessly drunk, and this we successfully did in a back room +of our office. + +Both of us knew that a dozen pairs of eyes were watching the entrance +of the old-fashioned building in which our rooms were located, and +that any attempt on our part to get Hawkins out of the city would +result in his immediate arrest. Once he were sent back to the +Tombs he would be out of our control. So, for three days, we kept +him--a foul, unwashed, maudlin thing--a practical prisoner, although +from his condition quite unconscious of it. Day and night, turn +and turn about, Gottlieb and I watched while he snored and gibbered, +cursed and giggled; but the strain was getting too much for both +of us and we set ourselves at work to devise a way to spirit him +away. + +Our offices were situated in a block the other side of which +consisted of tenement-houses. Investigation showed that it would +be possible to get over the roofs, walk nearly the length of the +block and gain access to one of the more distant tenements through +a skylight. For the sum of fifty dollars we found an Italian fruit- +dealer who was willing to hire himself, his rickety wagon, and his +spavined horse for our enterprise; and he agreed to carry Hawkins +concealed under piles of produce to a point on Long Island, where +we could take a ferry across to one of the Connecticut towns. + +The following night we arranged that a hack should be drawn up +early in the evening in front of the entrance to the office, and +bags and boxes were brought out and piled upon the seat beside the +driver. We then half dragged, half lifted Hawkins up the stairs +and on the roof by means of a shaky ladder and conducted him across +the leads to the scuttle of the tenement-house. At this juncture, +by prearrangement, three of our clerks, one of whom somewhat +resembled Hawkins in size and who was arrayed in the latter's coat +and hat, rushed out of the office and climbed into the hack, which +at once set off at a furious gallop up Centre Street. Coincidentally +Gottlieb and I escorted our still maudlin prisoner down the narrow +stairs at the other end of the block and cajoled him into getting +into a sack, which the Italian placed in the bottom of the cart +and covered with greens. I now put on a disguise, consisting of +a laborer's overalls and tattered cap, while Gottlieb wheeled out +a safety bicycle which had been carefully concealed in the basement. + +I had ten thousand dollars in the pocket of my ragged trousers and +a forty-four-calibre revolver at my hip. Gottlieb drew me back +into the shadow and whispered harshly in my ear. + +"Quib," said he, "this fellow must never come back!--do you +understand? Once the district attorney gets hold of him, it's all +up with us! It's Sing Sing for each of us--ten years of it! For +God's sake, hire somebody to put him out of the way!--quietly. +Many a man would take him off our hands for a thousand or so." + +I shuddered at the cold-blooded suggestion, yet I did not utter +one word of refusal, and must have led Gottlieb to believe that I +was of a mind with him, for he slapped me on the shoulder and bade +me good luck. Good luck! Was ever a man of decent birth and +education forced upon such an errand? The convoying of a drunken +criminal to--where? I knew not--somewhere whence he could not +return. + +Thus I set forth into the night upon my bicycle, my money bulging +in my pocket, my pistol knocking against the seat at every turn of +the wheel, my trousers catching and tearing in the pedals. At last +I crossed the bridge and turned into the wastes of Queens. Gas- +houses, factories, and rotting buildings loomed black and weird +against the sky. I pedaled on and at last found myself upon a +country road. I dared not ask my way, but luckily I had stumbled +upon the highway to Port Washington, whence there was a ferry to +the Connecticut shore. As I stole along in the darkness, my ear +caught far ahead a voice roaring out a ribald song--and I knew that +the time had come to take personal charge of my wretched client-- +the "old man of the sea" that my own stupidity had seated upon my +shoulders. Soon I overtook them, the Italian stolidly driving his +weary horse and Hawkins sitting beside him with the sack wrapped +around his shoulders. I halted them, threw my bicycle in among +the vegetables, and climbed up to where they sat. Hawkins gave a +great shout of laughter when he saw who it was and threw his arm +around my neck, but I pushed him away and he nearly fell under the +wheels. My gorge rose at him! Yet to him I was shackled as tightly +as ever a criminal was to his keeper! + +The thought of the remainder of that night and of the ensuing three +days and nights sickens me even now. In the early dawn we crossed +the ferry with dozens of other produce-laden wagons and landed on +the opposite side of the Sound, where we caught a local train for +Hartford. I had made no arrangements for communicating with +Gottlieb, and was in utter ignorance of whether or not our escape +had been discovered. We sat in the smoking-car, Hawkins by this +time ill and peevish. The air was stifling, yet I could not, +arrayed as I was or in the company of my client, go into the regular +passenger coach. At Hartford we changed for Springfield and I +purchased a New York paper. There was nothing in it relating to +the case and I breathed more easily; but, once in Springfield, I +knew not which way to turn, and Hawkins by this time was crazy for +drink and refusing to go farther. I gave him enough liquor to keep +him quiet and thrust him on a way train for Worcester. Already I +had exhausted my small bills and when I tried to cash one for a +hundred dollars the ticket agent in the station eyed me with +suspicion. + +That night we slept in a single bed, Hawkins and I, in a cheap +lodging-house--that is, _he_ slept a sordid, drunken sleep, while +I lay tossing and cursing my fate until, burning with fever, I rose +and drained part of the water in the pitcher. Yet, in the early +morning hours there came to me the first ray of hope throughout +that dreary space since I had left New York--the Quirks! The +Quirks! Twenty years had passed since I had heard from them. They +might be dead and gone long ago without my knowing it; yet, were +they alive, I felt that one or other of them would hold out a +friendly hand for auld lang syne. Before daybreak, I stole forth, +hired a horse and buggy, asked the way to Methuen and, rousing +Hawkins, bundled him, whining and fretting, into it. + +Slowly we drove in the growing light through the country lanes I +had known and loved so well as a lad--the farmland which was the +only friendly thing in my disconsolate boyhood. It was in the +early spring and the apple-trees along the stone walls by the +roadside were showered with clustering blossoms. Dandelions +sprinkled the fields. The cloud shadows slowly moved across rich +pastures of delicate green. A sun-warmed, perfume-laden breeze +blew from the east, tinged with a keen edge that sent the blood +leaping in my temples. Tiny pools stood in the ruts glinting blue +toward the sky. The old horse plodded slowly on and the robins +called among the elms that stood arching over white farm-houses +with blinds, some blue, some green. + +With a harrowing sense of helplessness, the realization of what I +had thrown away of life swept over me. I turned from the sodden +creature beside me in disgust. Hawkins had slumped back in his +seat, so that his head rested upon the hood, and had fallen sound +asleep, with his mouth wide open. How I wished that I had the +courage to strangle him--and then it came to me that, after all, +it was not he who had ruined me, but I who had ruined him! + +About noontime we came to a landscape that seemed familiar to me, +although more heavily wooded and with many more farms than I +remembered; and at a turn in the road I recognized a couple of huge +elms that marked the site of the homestead occupied in my boyhood +by the Quirks. There was the brook, the maple grove upon the hill, +the old stile by the pasture, and the long stone wall beside the +apple orchard, radiant with white. Yet the house seemed to have +vanished. My heart sank, for somehow I had assumed that the Quirks +must still be living, just as they had always lived. And now, as +we drew near the turn, I saw that the place where the homestead +had stood was empty, and all that remained was a heap of blackened +stone and brick thickly overgrown with brambles. + +Fifty yards farther down the road we came upon an old man sitting +on the fence, smoking a pipe. He wore a tattered old brown felt +hat and overalls, and his long gray hair and beard were tangled +and unkempt. I passed the time of day and he answered me civilly +enough, although vacantly; and I saw that his eye had the red film +of the drunkard. When I asked him for Quirk, the schoolmaster, +who used to live thereabout he gave a mirthless chuckle. + +"My name's Quirk," said he; "but it's fifteen years since I taught +school. How did you come to know of me?" + +Could this be Quirk--this aged and decrepit old man! Somewhere +beneath that mat of hair and beard, did there remain traces of +those good-natured lineaments that were wont to set the boys in a +roar? I scanned his face closely. The man was a stranger to my +recollection. + +"Do you remember me, Mr. Quirk?" I asked. + +He peered out at me under his bushy brows and slowly removed his +pipe. + +"Not to my knowledge," he answered. "What might be your name?" + +"Quibble," I returned--"Artemas Quibble." + +"Artemas Quibble!" he exclaimed in a faltering voice and feebly +crawled over to the buggy. + +I climbed down to meet him and extended my hand. + +"What has happened to you?" he stammered. "I thought you were a +great lawyer in New York." + +"I'm in a peck of trouble," I answered. "I need all the friends +I've got. I hope you're still one of them?" + +"Well, well!" he muttered. "And to think that you're Artie Quibble! +And who may this be?" pointing to Hawkins. + +"I'll tell you all," said I, "later on. For the present, he's a +friend of mine who's travelling with me--more on business than on +pleasure." + +Quirk's story was soon told. As I already expected, drink had +become his master. The school had fallen away, his wife had died, +and in a fit of despondency he had--he said accidentally, but I +believe intentionally--overturned a lamp and set fire to the house. +Now he lodged in a small hotel farther down the road, living from +hand to mouth, and doing a day's work here and there when chance +offered. I gave him fifty dollars and bade him good-bye, for he +had no accommodations to offer us even had I been able to induce +Hawkins to remain there. Thus I realized that the only refuge I +ever had from the outside world, the only real home I had ever +known, was gone. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to deposit my evil +load. + +We drove on for a space, and now Hawkins awoke and began to clamor +for food. Where was I taking him? he demanded to know. And why +was I togged out like a bricklayer? He announced that he had had +enough of this kind of travelling and insisted on going to a hotel +and having a decent meal. I tried to reason with him and explained +that it was only for a day or so, and that presumably we would go +to Boston or some other city, where he should have everything that +money could buy. But he leered at me and said he had plenty of +promises already; that we had promised him that he would get into +no trouble if he signed his original affidavit, and that, unless +he were treated like a gentleman, he would go back to New York and +get other lawyers. He must have seen me turn white at his threat, +for from that moment he held it over me, constantly repeating it +and insinuating that I was not so anxious to save him as to save +myself, which, alas! I could not gainsay. + +Soon we came to a small town and here Hawkins flatly refused to go +any farther. There was a hotel on the main street, and the fellow +clambered out of the buggy and staggered into the bar and called +loudly for whiskey. There was nothing for it but to put up the +horse in the stable and do as my prisoner demanded. So we had +dinner together, Hawkins talking in a loud, thick voice that made +the waitresses and other guests stare at him and me as if we were +some sort of outlandish folk; and after the meal was over he dragged +me to the nearest clothier and ordered new ready-made suits for +both of us. He had now imbibed much more than was good for him; +and when I took out my roll of bills to pay for what we had bought +he snatched it out of my hand and refused to give it back. For a +moment I almost surrendered myself to despair. I had had no sleep +for two nights, I was overwhelmed with mortification and disgust, +and here I was in a country store pranked out like a popinjay, the +keeper of a half-crazy wretch who made me dance to any tune he +chose to pipe; but I pulled myself together and cajoled Hawkins +into leaving the place and giving me back a small part of the money. + +There was a train just leaving for Boston and my companion insisted +upon taking it, saying that he proposed to spend the money that +Dillingham had so kindly furnished him with. I never knew how he +discovered the part Dillingham was playing in this strange drama; +but if no one told him, he at any rate divined it somehow, and from +this moment he assumed the lead and directed all our movements. +It is true that I persuaded him to go to one of the smaller and +less conspicuous hotels, but he at once sent for another tailor, +ordered an elaborate meal for supper, with champagne, and procured +a box at one of the theatres, whither I was obliged to escort him. +Neither would he longer permit me to occupy the same room with him +--precious privilege!--but engaged a palatial suite for himself, +with a parlor, while I had a small and modest room farther down +the hall. In some respects this suited me well, however, since I +was now able to induce him to have his meals served upstairs. Yet +I began to see the foolishness of thinking that we could elude the +police should they set out to seek seriously for us, since, apart +from changing our names, we were making no effort at disguising +ourselves. + +The day after our arrival, Hawkins slept late and I slipped out +about ten o'clock and wandering aimlessly came to Barristers' Hall, +where twenty years before old Tuckerman Toddleham had his office. +The day was warm and humid, like that upon which so long ago I had +visited the old lawyer when a student at Harvard and had received +from him my sentence. Even as then, some birds were twittering +around the stone window-ledges. An impulse that at the moment was +beyond my control led me up the narrow, dingy stairs to the landing +where the lawyer's office had been. A green-baize door, likely +enough the same one, still hung there--where the lawyer's office +had been. Naught about the room was altered. There were the +bookcases, with their glass doors and green-silk curtains; the +threadbare carpet, the portrait of the Honorable Jeremiah Mason +over the fireplace; the old mahogany desk; the little bronze paper- +weight in the shape of a horse; the books, brown and faded with +years; and at the desk--I brushed my hand across my eyes--at the +desk sat old Tuckerman Toddleham himself! + +For the first time in my entire existence, so far as I can now +remember, I was totally nonplussed and abashed. I could not have +been more astonished had I walked into the family lot in the Salem +cemetery and found my grandfather sitting on his own tombstone; +but there the old lawyer surely was, as certainly as he had been +there twenty years before; and the same sensations that I had always +experienced as a child while in his presence now swept over me and +made me feel like a whipped school-boy. Not for the world would +I have had him see me and be forced to answer his questions as to +my business in the city of Boston; so, holding my breath, I tiptoed +out of the door, and the last vision I ever had of him was as he +sat there absorbed in some legal problem, bending over his books, +the sunlight flooding the mote-filled air of the dusty office, the +little bronze horse standing before him on the desk and the branches +of the trees outside casting flickering shadows upon the walls and +bookcases. Canny old man! He had never put his neck in a noose! +I envied him his quiet life among his books and the well-deserved +respect and honor that the world accorded him. + +Ruminating in this strain, I threaded my way through the crowd in +Court Street, and was about to return to my hotel, when to my utter +horror I beheld Hawkins, in all his regalia, being marched down +the hill between two business-like-looking persons, who were +unmistakably officers of police. He walked dejectedly and had lost +all his bravado. There was no blinking the fact that in my absence +he had managed somehow to stumble into the hands of the guardians +of the law and was now in process of being transported back to New +York. + +For a moment my circulation stopped abruptly and a clammy moisture +broke out upon my back and forehead. Unostentatiously I slipped +into a cigar store and allowed the trio to pass me by. So the jig +was up! Back I must go, after my fruitless nightmare with the +wretch, to consult with my partner as to what was now to be done. +I reached the city late that evening, but not before I had read in +the evening papers a full account of the apprehension of the +fugitive, including my own part in the escape; and it now appeared +that the police had been fully cognizant of all our doings, including +the manner of our abduction of Hawkins from our office. They had, +under the instructions of the district attorney, simply permitted +us to carry out our plan in order to use the same as evidence +against us at the proper time, and had followed us every step of +the way to Worcester and on our drive to Methuen. + +My heart almost failed me as I thought of how foolish I had been +to undertake this desperate journey myself, instead of sending some +one in my place for by so doing I had stamped myself as vitally +interested in my client's escape. Fearful to go to my own home, +lest I should find myself in the hands of the police, I spent the +night in a lodging-house on the water-front, wondering whether +Hawkins had already made his confession to the district attorney +in return for a promise of immunity; for I well knew that such a +promise would be forthcoming and that Hawkins was the last man in +the world to neglect the opportunity to save himself at our expense. + +Next morning I telephoned Gottlieb and met him by appointment at +a hotel, where we had a heated colloquy, in which he seemed to +think that I was totally to blame for the failure of our attempt. +He was hardly himself, so worn out was he with anxiety, not having +heard from me until he had read of Hawkins's apprehension in Boston; +but, now that I was able to talk things over with him, we agreed +that any effort to spirit our client away would have been equally +unsuccessful, and that the one course remaining for us to pursue +was to put on as bold a front as possible and let the law take its +course. It was equally useless for us to try to conceal our own +whereabouts, for all our movements were undoubtedly watched; and +the best thing to do, it seemed to us, was to go as usual to our +office and to act as nearly as possible as if nothing had happened. + +We were not mistaken as to the intended course of the district +attorney; for, when we visited the Tombs for the purpose of +interviewing Hawkins, we were informed by the warden that he had +obtained other counsel and that our services were no longer required. +This was an indisputable indication that he had gone over to the +enemy; and we at once began to take such steps as lay in our power +to prepare for our defence in case an indictment was found against +us. And now we were treated to a dose of the medicine we had +customarily administered to our own clients; for, when we tried to +secure counsel, we found that one and all insisted upon our paying +over in advance even greater fees as retainers than those which we +had demanded in like cases. I had never taken the trouble to lay +by anything, since I had always had all the ready cash I needed. +Gottlieb was in the same predicament, and in our distress we called +upon Dillingham to furnish us with the necessary amount; but, to +our amazement and horror, our erstwhile client refused to see us +or come to our office, and we definitely realized that he, too, +had sought safety in confession and would be used by the prosecution +in its effort to place the crime of perjury at our door. + +From the moment of Hawkins's arrest the tide turned against us. +There seemed to be a general understanding throughout the city that +the district attorney intended to make an example in our case, and +to show that it was quite as possible to convict a member of the +bar as any one else. He certainly gave us no loophole of escape, +for he secured every witness that by any possibility we might have +called to our aid, and even descended upon our office with a search- +warrant in his effort to secure evidence against us. Luckily, +however, Gottlieb and I had made a practice of keeping no papers +and had carefully burned everything relating to the Dillingham case +before I had left the city. + +The press preserved a singular and ominous silence in regard to +us, which lasted until one morning when a couple of officers appeared +with bench-warrants for our arrest. We had already made arrangements +for bail in the largest amount and had secured the services of the +ablest criminal attorneys we knew, so that we were speedily released; +but, with the return of our indictments charging us with suborning +the testimony of Hawkins, the papers began a regular crusade against +us. The evening edition carried spectacular front-page stories +recounting my flight to Boston, the entire history of the Dillingham +divorce, biographies of both Gottlieb and myself, and anecdotes of +cases in which we had appeared and notorious criminals whom we had +defended. And in all this storm of abuse and incrimination which +now burst over our heads not a single world appeared in mitigation +of our alleged offence. + +It seemed as if the entire city had determined to wreak vengeance +upon us for all the misdeeds of the entire criminal bar. Even our +old clients, and the police and court officers who had drawn pay +from us, seemed to rejoice in our downfall. Every man's hand was +against us. The hue and cry had been raised and we were to be +harried out of town and into prison. At every turn we were forced +to pay out large sums to secure the slightest assistance; our clerks +and employees refused longer to work for us, and groups of loiterers +gathered about the office and pointed to the windows. Our lives +became a veritable hell, and I longed for the time when the anxiety +should be over and I should know whether the public clamor for a +victim were to be satisfied. + +Gottlieb and the lawyers fought stubbornly every inch of the defence. +First, they attacked the validity of the proceedings, entered +demurrers, and made motions to dismiss the indictments. These +matters took a month or two to decide. Then came motions for a +change of venue, appeals from the decisions against us to the +Appellate Division, and other technical delays; so that four months +passed before, at last, we were forced to go to trial. By this +time my health had suffered; and when I looked at myself in the +glass I was shocked to find how gaunt and hollow-cheeked I had +grown. My hair, which had up to this time been dark brown, had in +a brief space turned quite gray over my ears, and whatever of good +looks I had ever possessed had vanished utterly. Gottlieb, too, +had altered from a jovial, sleek-looking fellow into a nervous, +worried, ratlike little man. My creditors pressed me for their +money and I was forced to close my house and live at a small hotel. +The misery of those days is something I do not care to recall. We +were both of us stripped, as it were, of everything at once--money, +friends, health, and position; for we were the jest and laughing- +stock of the very criminals who had before our downfall been our +clients and crowded our office in their eagerness to secure our +erstwhile powerful assistance. Our day was over! + +It was useless to try to escape from the meshes of the net drawn +so tightly around us. Even if we could have forfeited our heavy +bail--which would have been an impossibility, owing to the watchfulness +of our bondsman--we could never have eluded the detectives who now +dogged our footsteps. We were marked men. Everywhere we were +pointed out and made the objects of comment and half-concealed +abuse. The final straw was when the district attorney, in his +anxiety lest we should slip through his fingers, caused our re- +arrest on a trumped-up charge that we were planning to leave the +city, and we were thrown into the Tombs, being unable to secure +the increased bail which he demanded. Here we had the pleasure of +having Hawkins leer down at us from the tier of cells above, and +here we suffered the torments of the damned at the hands of our +fellow prisoners, who, to a man, made it their daily business and +pleasure to render our lives miserable. Gottlieb wasted away to +a mere shadow and I became seriously ill from the suffocating heat +and loathsome food, for it was now midsummer and the Tombs was +crowded with prisoners waiting until the courts should open in the +autumn to be tried. + +We were called to the bar together--Gottlieb and I--to answer to +the charge against us in the very court-room where my partner had +won so many forensic victories and secured the acquittal of so many +clients more fortunate than he. From the outset of the case +everything went against us; and it seemed as if judge, prosecutor, +and jury were united in a conspiracy to deprive us of our rights +and to railroad us to prison. Even when impaneling the jury, I +was amazed to find the prejudice against criminal lawyers in general +and ourselves in particular; for almost every other talesman swore +that he was so fixed in his opinion as to our guilt that it would +be impossible to give us a fair trial. + +At last, however, after several days a jury of twelve hard-faced +citizens was sworn who asserted that they had no bias against us +and could give us a fair trial and the benefit of every reasonable +doubt. Fair trial, indeed! We were convicted before the first +witness was sworn! Convicted by the press, the public, and the +atmosphere that had been stirred up against us during the preceding +months. And yet, one satisfaction remained to me, and that was +the sight of Hawkins and Dillingham on the grill under the cross- +examination of our attorneys. Dillingham particularly was a pitiable +object, shaking and sweating upon the witness chair, and forced to +admit that he had paid Gottlieb and me thirty-five thousand dollars +to get him an annulment so that he could marry the woman with whom +he was now living. The court-room was jammed to the doors with a +curious crowd, anxious to see Gottlieb and me on trial and to learn +the nature of the evidence against us; and when our client left +the stand--a pitiful, wilted human creature--and crawled out of +the room, a jeering throng followed him downstairs and out into +the street. + +The actual giving of evidence occupied but two days, the chief +witness next to Hawkins being the clerk who swore the latter to +his affidavit in my office. This treacherous rascal not only +testified that Hawkins took his oath to the contents of the paper, +but at the same time had told me that it was false. The farce went +on, a mere formal giving of testimony, until at length the district +attorney announced that he had no more evidence to offer. + +"You may proceed with the defence," said the judge, turning to our +counsel. + +I looked at Gottlieb and Gottlieb looked at me. The trial had +closed so suddenly that we were taken quite unawares and left wholly +undetermined what to do. We had practically no evidence to offer +on our behalf except our own denials of the testimony against us; +and if once either of us took the stand we should open the door to +a cross-examination at the hands of the district attorney of our +entire lives. For this cross-examination he had been preparing +for months; and I well knew that there was not a single shady +transaction in which we had participated, not one attempt at +blackmail, not a crooked defence that we had interposed that he +had not investigated and stood prepared to question us about in +detail. + +"What shall we do?" whispered Gottlieb nervously. "Do you want to +take the stand?" + +"How can we?" I asked petulantly. "If we did we should be convicted +--not for this but for every other thing we ever did in our lives. +Let's take a chance and go to the jury on the case as it stands." + +After consulting with our counsel, the latter agreed that this was +the best course to pursue; and so, rising, he informed the court +that in his opinion no case had been made out against us and that +we should, therefore, interpose no defence. This announcement +caused a great stir in the court-room, and I could see by the faces +of the jury that it was all up with us. I had already surrendered +all hope of an acquittal and I looked upon the verdict of the jury +as a mere formality. + +"Proceed, then, with the summing up," ordered the judge. "I wish +the jury to take this case and finish it to-night." + +So, with that, our counsel began his argument in our behalf--a lame +and halting effort it seemed to me, for all that we had paid him +twenty-five thousand dollars for his services--pointing out how +neither Dillingham nor Hawkins was worthy of belief, and how the +case against us rested entirely upon their testimony and upon that +of the clerk, who was an insignificant and unimportant witness +injected simply for the sake of apparent corroboration. Faugh! +I have heard Gottlieb make a better address to the jury a thousand +times, and yet this man was supposed to be one of the best! Somehow +throughout the trial he had seemed to me to be ill at ease and sick +of his job, a mere puppet in the mummery going on about us; yet we +had no choice but to let him continue his ill-concealed plea for +mercy and his wretched rhetoric, until the judge stopped him and +said that his time was up. + +When the district attorney arose and the jury turned to him with +uplifted faces, then, for the first time, I realized the real +attitude of the community toward us; for in scathing terms he +denounced us both as men not merely who defended criminals but who, +in fact, created them; as plotters against the administration of +justice; as arch-crooks, who lived off the proceeds of crimes which +we devised and planned for others to execute. It was false and +unfair; but the jury believed him--I could well see that. + +"These men have made a fat living for nearly a generation in this +city by blackmail, bribery, and perjury. They have made a business +of ruining homes, reputations, and the lives of others. They have +directed the operations of organized bands of criminals. They are +the Fagins of the city of New York. Once the poor and defenceless +have fallen into their power, they have extorted tribute from them +and turned them into the paths of crime. Better that one of them +should be convicted than a thousand of the miserable wretches +ordinarily brought to the bar of justice!" + +And in this strain he went on until he had bared Gottlieb and myself +to our very souls. When he concluded there was a ripple of applause +from the spectators that the court officers made little attempt to +subdue; and the judge began his charge, which lasted but a few +minutes. What he said was fair enough, and I had no mind to quarrel +with him, although our counsel took many exceptions. The jury +retired and my partner and I were led downstairs into the prison +pen. It was crowded with miserable creatures waiting to be tried +--negroes and Sicilians, thieves and burglars--who took keen delight +in jostling us and foretelling what long sentences we were to +receive. One negro kicked me in the shins and cursed me for being +a shyster, and when I protested to the keeper he only laughed at me. + +About half an hour later an officer came to the head of the stairs +and shouted down: + +"Bring up Gottlieb and Quibble!" + +Our keeper unlocked the pen and, followed by the execrations of +our associates, we stumbled up the stairs and into the court-room. +Slowly we marched around to the bar, while every eye was fixed upon +us. The jury was already back in the box and standing to render +their decision. The clerk rapped for order and turned to the +foreman. + +"Gentlemen of the jury, have you agreed upon a verdict?" he intoned. + +"We have," answered the foreman unhesitatingly. + +"How say you, do you find the defendants guilty or not guilty?" + +"We find both of them guilty!" replied the foreman. + +A slight shiver passed through Gottlieb's little body and for a +moment the blood sang in my ears. No man can receive a verdict of +guilty unperturbed, no matter how confidently expected. The crowd +murmured their approval and the judge rapped for silence. + +"Are you ready for sentence?" asked the judge. + +We nodded. It was useless to prolong the agony. + +"I have nothing to say to you," remarked the judge, "in addition +to what the district attorney has said. He has fully expressed my +own sentiments in this case. I regard you as vampires, sucking +the blood of the weak, helpless, and criminal. Mercy would be out +of place if extended toward you. I sentence you both to the full +limit which the law allows--ten years in State's prison at hard +labor." + +An officer clapped us upon the back, faced us round toward the rear +of the court-room, and pushed us toward the door leading to the +prison pen, while another slipped a handcuff on my right wrist and +snapped its mate on Gottlieb's left. + +"Get on there," he growled, "where you belong!" + +The crowds strained to get a look at us as, with averted faces, we +trudged toward the door leading to the prison pen. Our lawyers +had already hastened away to avoid any reflected ignominy that +might attach to them. The jurymen were shaking hands with the +district attorney. + +"Adjourn court!" I heard the judge remark. + +With a whoop, the spectators in the court-room crowded upon our +heels and surged up to the grating before the door. + +"There's Gottlieb!" cried one. "The little fellow!" + +"And that's Quibble--the pale chap with the thin face!" said +another. + +"Damn you! Get out of the way!" I shouted threateningly. + +"There go the shysters!" retorted the crowd. "Sing Sing's the best +place for them!" + +The keeper opened the door and motioned back the spectators. I +staggered through, shackled to my partner and dragging him along +with me. As the door clanged to I heard some one say: + +"There goes the last of the firm of Gottlieb & Quibble!" + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Confessions of Artemas Quibble, by Arthur Train + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF ARTEMAS QUIBBLE *** + +***** This file should be named 20451-8.txt or 20451-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/4/5/20451/ + +Produced by an anonymous volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of Artemas Quibble + +Author: Arthur Train + +Release Date: January 26, 2007 [EBook #20451] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF ARTEMAS QUIBBLE *** + + + + +Produced by an anonymous volunteer + + + + +Transcriber's note: + + Quotation marks have been added to block quotes set in smaller type. + + The text of signs and business cards was set in box rules, which have + been omitted. + + Typographical errors have been corrected; 19th-century spellings + have been retained. + + LoC call number: PS3539.R15C7 + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF +ARTEMAS QUIBBLE + +BEING THE INGENUOUS AND UNVARNISHED HISTORY OF ARTEMAS QUIBBLE, +ESQUIRE, ONE-TIME PRACTITIONER IN THE NEW YORK CRIMINAL COURTS, +TOGETHER WITH AN ACCOUNT OF THE DIVERS WILES, TRICKS, SOPHISTRIES, +TECHNICALITIES, AND SUNDRY ARTIFICES OF HIMSELF AND OTHERS OF THE +FRATERNITY, COMMONLY YCLEPT "SHYSTERS" OR "SHYSTER LAWYERS," AS +EDITED +BY +ARTHUR TRAIN +FORMERLY ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY +NEW YORK COUNTY + +ILLUSTRATED + +NEW YORK +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS +1922 + + +COPYRIGHT, 1911, BY +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS + +PRINTED AT +THE SCRIBNER PRESS +NEW YORK, U.S.A. + + +ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted] + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF +ARTEMAS QUIBBLE + +CHAPTER I + +I was born in the town in Lynn, Massachusetts, upon the twenty- +second day of February, in the year 1855. Unlike most writers of +similar memoirs, I shall cast no aspersions upon the indigent by +stating that my parents were poor but honest. They were poor _and_ +honest, as indeed, so far as I have been able to ascertain, have +been all the Quibbles since the founder of the family came over on +the good ship _Susan and Ellen_ in 1635, and, after marrying a +lady's maid who had been his fellow passenger, settled in the +township of Weston, built a mill, and divided his time equally +between selling rum to the Indians and rearing a numerous progeny. + +My father, the Reverend Ezra Quibble, was, to be sure, poor enough. +The salary that he received as pastor of his church was meagre to +the degree of necessitating my wearing his over-worn and discarded +clerical vestments, which to some extent may account for my otherwise +inexplicable distaste for things ecclesiastical. My mother was +poor, after wedlock, owing to the eccentricity of a parent who was +so inexorably opposed to religion that he cut her off with a shilling +upon her marriage to my father. Before this she had had and done +what she chose, as was fitting for a daughter of a substantial +citizen who had made a fortune in shoe leather. + +I remember that one of my first experiments upon taking up the +study of law was to investigate my grandfather's will in the probate +office, with a view to determining whether or not, in his fury +against the church, he had violated any of the canons of the law +in regard to perpetuities or restraints upon alienation; or whether +in his enthusiasm for the Society for the Propagation of Free +Thinking, which he had established and intended to perpetuate, he +had not been guilty of some technical slip or blunder that would +enable me to seize upon its endowment for my own benefit. But the +will, alas! had been drawn by that most careful of draughtsmen, +old Tuckerman Toddleham, of 14 Barristers' Hall, Boston, and was +as solid as the granite blocks of the court-house and as impregnable +of legal attack as the Constitution. + +We lived in a frame house, painted a disconsolate yellow. It +abutted close upon the sidewalk and permitted the passer-by to view +the family as we sat at meat or enjoyed the moderate delights of +social intercourse with our neighbors, most of whom were likewise +parishioners of my father. + +My early instruction was received in the public schools of my native +town, supplemented by tortured hours at home with "Greenleaf's +Mental Arithmetic" and an exhaustive study of the major and minor +prophets. The former stood me in good stead, but the latter I fear +had small effect. At any rate, the impression made upon me bore +little fruit, and after three years of them I found myself in about +the same frame of mind as the Oxford student who, on being asked +at his examination to distinguish between the major and minor +prophets, wrote in answer: "God forbid that I should discriminate +between such holy men!" + +But for all that I was naturally of a studious and even scholarly +disposition, and much preferred browsing among the miscellaneous +books piled in a corner of the attic to playing the rough-and-tumble +games in which my school-mates indulged. + +My father was a stern, black-bearded man of the ante-bellum type, +such as you may see in any old volume of daguerreotypes, and entirely +unblessed with a sense of humor. I can even now recall with a +sinking of the heart the manner in which, if I abjured my food, he +would grasp me firmly by the back of the neck and force my nose +toward the plate of Indian mush--which was the family staple at +supper--with the command, "Eat, boy!" Sometimes he was kind to a +degree which, by a yawning of the imagination, might be regarded +as affectionate, but this was only from a sense of religious duty. +At such times I was prone to distrust him even more than at others. +He believed in a personal devil with horns, a tail, and, I suspect, +red tights; and up to the age of ten I shared implicitly in this +belief. The day began and ended with family prayers of a particularly +long-drawn-out and dolorous character. + +My mother, on the other hand, was a pale young woman of an undecided +turn of mind with a distinct taste for the lighter pleasures that +she was never allowed to gratify. I think she secretly longed for +the freedom that had been hers under the broader roof of her father's +stately mansion on High Street. But she had, I suspect, neither +the courage nor the force of mind to raise an issue, and from sheer +inertia remained faithful to the life that she had elected. + +My grandfather never had anything to do with either of them and +did not, so far as I am aware, know me by sight, which may account +for the fact that when he died he bequeathed a moderate sum in +trust, "the proceeds to be devoted to the support and maintenance +of the child of my daughter Sarah, at some suitable educational +institution where he may be removed from the influences of his +father." + +Thus it was that at the age of nine I was sent away from home and +began an independent career at the boarding-school kept by the +Reverend Mr. Quirk, at Methuen, Massachusetts. Here I remained +for seven years, in the course of which both my parents died, +victims of typhoid. I was cast upon the world utterly alone, save +for the rather uncompromising and saturnine regard in which I was +held by old Mr. Toddleham, my trustee. This antique gentleman +inhabited a musty little office, the only furniture in which +consisted of a worn red carpet, a large engraving of the Hon. +Jeremiah Mason, and a table covered with green baize. I recall +also a little bronze horse which he used as a paper weight. He +had a shrewd wrinkled face of the color of parchment, a thick yellow +wig, and a blue cape coat. His practice consisted almost entirely +in drawing wills and executing them after the decease of their +respective testators, whom he invariably outlived, and I think he +regarded me somewhat in the light of a legal joke. He used to send +for me twice a year, for the sole purpose, I believe, of ascertaining +whether or not I was sufficiently nourished at Quirk's establishment. +On these occasions he would take me to lunch with him at the Parker +House, where he invariably ordered scallops and pumpkin pie for me +and a pint of port for himself. + +On my departure he would hand me solemnly two of the pieces of +paper currency known as "shin plasters," and bid me always hold my +grandfather's memory in reverence. On one of these occasions, when +he had laid me under a similar adjuration, I asked him whether he +had ever heard of the man who made his son take off his hat whenever +he met a pig--on the ground that his father had made his money in +pork. He stared at me very hard for a moment with his little +twinkling eyes and then suddenly and without any preliminary symptoms +exploded in a cackle of laughter. + +"Goddamme," he squeaked, "I wish your gran'ther could a' heard y' +say that!" + +Then without further explanation he turned and made his way down +School Street and I did not see him for another six months. + +My life at Quirk's was a great improvement over the life I had led +at home in Lynn. In the first place I was in the real country, +and in the second I had the companionship of good-natured, light- +hearted people. The master himself was of the happy-go-lucky sort +who, with a real taste for the finer things of literature and life, +take no thought for the morrow or indeed even for the day. He was +entirely incapable of earning a living and had been successively +an actor, a lecturer, a preacher, and a pedagogue. He was a fine +scholar of Latin and could quote Terence, Horace, and Plautus in +a way that could stir the somnolent soul even of a school-boy. +His chief enemy, next to laziness, was drink. He would disappear +for days at a time into his study, and afterward explain that he +had been engaged in the preparation of his _magnum opus_, which +periodically was just on the point of going to press. + +During these interludes the school was run by Mrs. Quirk, a robust, +capable, and rosy Englishwoman, who had almost as much learning as +her husband and ten times as much practical ability. There were +twelve boys in the school, for each of whom the Quirks received +the modest sum of two hundred and seventy-five dollars a year. In +exchange for this they gave board, lodging, and tuition. Each of +us received separate instruction--or as Quirk expressed it "individual +attention"--and excellent instruction it was. We arose at six, +breakfasted at six-thirty, and helped around the house until eight, +when our studies began. These continued until twelve, at which +time we had dinner. After that we were free until two-thirty, when +we resumed our labors until four. + +Quirk was a tall, lank, loose-jointed man, with long black hair +that lay well over his Byronic collar. He had a humorous eye and +a cavernous mouth that was always twisting itself into grimaces, +alternately side-splitting and terrifying. On occasions he would +use the birch--and very thoroughly, too, as I have reason to remember +--but he ruled us by fear of authority. For though he dressed like +a clergyman, he always smelled strongly of stale cigar smoke, and +his language at times was more forcible than is generally expected +of a wearer of the cloth. + +I dwelt with the Quirks, winter and summer, until I was able to +pass my examinations for Harvard, which I did in the summer of +1871. My allowance had been gradually increased to meet my new +expenses, and I entered the freshman class with an income sufficient +to permit me to dress suitably and enjoy myself in such simple ways +as were in vogue among the collegians. But coming as I did, alone, +from a small boarding-school, proved to be a great disadvantage, +for I had all my friends to make after my arrival and I had neither +the means nor the address to acquire ready-made social distinction. +Thus it happened that I was very lonely during my first years in +Cambridge; missed the genial companionship of my old friends, the +Quirks, and seized every opportunity that offered for going back +to Methuen. + +I had grown into a tall, narrow-shouldered youth, with a high-arched +nose between rather pale cheeks, and prominent ears. Though I +could hardly flatter myself into the belief that I was handsome, +I felt that my appearance had something of distinction and that I +looked like a gentleman. I affected coats with long tails and a +somewhat dandified style of waistcoat and neck-cloth, as well as +a white beaver, much in favor among the "bloods" of those days. +But this took most of my available cash, and left me little to +expend in treating my fellow students at the tavern or in enjoying +the more substantial culinary delights of the Boston hotels. Thus +though I made no shabby friends I acquired few genteel ones, and +I began to feel keenly the disadvantages of a lean purse. I was +elected into none of the clubs, nor did I receive any invitations +to the numerous balls given in Boston or even to those in Cambridge. +This piqued my pride, to be sure, but only intensified my resolution +to become a man of fashion on my own account. If my classmates +could get on without me I felt that I could get on without them, +and I resolutely declined to appreciate any social distinction that +might artificially exist between a man born in Salem and one born +in Lynn, although I now understand that such distinction exists, +at least so far as Boston society is concerned. Consequently as +time went on and I could achieve prominence in no other way, I +sought consolation for the social joys denied by my betters in +acquiring the reputation of a sport. I held myself coldly aloof +from the fashionable men of my class and devoted myself to a few +cronies who found themselves in much the same position as my own. +In a short time we became known as the fastest set in college, and +our escapades were by no means confined to Cambridge, but were +carried on with great impartiality in Boston and the neighboring +towns. + +We organized a club, which we called the Cock and Spur, and had a +rat-pit and cock-fights in the cellar, on which occasions we invited +out young actors from the Boston Museum and Howard Athenaeum stock +companies. These in turn pressed us with invitations to similar +festivities of their own, and we thus became acquainted with the +half-world of the modern Athens, which was much worse for us, I +trow, than would have been the most desperate society of our college +contemporaries. There was a club of young actors that we used to +frequent, where light comedy sketches and scenes from famous plays +were given by the members, and in due time several of us were +admitted to membership. Of these I was one and learned to do a +turn very acceptably. On one occasion I took a small part upon +the Boston Museum stage to fill the place made vacant by the illness +of a regular member of the cast--an illness due in part to a carousal +at the Cock and Spur the night before, in which he had come out +second best. + +We were a clever crew, however, and never gave the faculty reason +to complain of any failure on our part to keep up in our studies. +When examination time came we hired an impecunious coach and, +retiring from the world, acquired in five days knowledge that our +fellows had taken eight months to imbibe. It is true that the +college at large viewed us with some disgust, but we chose to regard +this as mere envy. That we were really objectionable must, however, +be admitted, for we smoked cigars in the Yard, wore sky-blue +pantaloons and green waistcoats, and cultivated little side whiskers +of the mutton-chop variety; while our gigs and trotters were +constantly to be seen standing in Harvard Square, waiting for the +owners to claim them and take the road. + +On Sundays, when the decorous youths of Boston had retired to Beacon +Street for their midday family feast of roast beef and baked beans, +the members of the Cock and Spur might be observed in their white +beaver hats driving countryward in chaises from the local livery +stables, seated beside various fair ladies from the Boston stage +or the less distinguished purlieus of the Cambridge chop-houses. +At noon these parties would foregather at some country tavern and +spend long afternoons singing, drinking, and playing draw poker +and other games of chance; and occasionally we would fight a main +of cocks in some convenient pig-pen. + +But this sort of life took money, and I soon found myself borrowing +freely from my associates, most of whom were young fellows from +other States who had already come into their inheritances and had +gone to Harvard to get rid of them under the most approved conditions. +For these I came to stand as a sort of sponsor, and was looked up +to by them as a devil of a fellow, for I swore picturesquely and +had a belligerently unpleasant manner that was regarded as something +quite out of the ordinary and distinguished. These youthful +spendthrifts I patronized and taught the mysteries of a sporting +life, and for a time it became quite smart for a fellow to have +gone on one of "Quib's" notes. These notes, however, increased +rapidly in number, and before long amounted to such a prodigious +sum that they gave me great uneasiness. + +My habits had become extravagant and careless. Having no money at +all I took no heed of what I did with that of others, for I hardly +believed that I could ever repay any of it. But I continued on in +my luxurious ways, well knowing that any change in my mode of life +would precipitate a deluge. The safety of my position lay in owing +everybody, and in inducing each to believe that he would be the +one person ultimately or immediately to be paid. Moreover, I was +now completely spoiled and craved so ardently the enjoyments in +which I had indulged that I would never of myself have had the will +to abjure them. I had gained that which I sought--reputation. I +was accounted the leader of the fast set--the "All Knights" as we +were known--and I was the envy and admiration of my followers. +But this bred in me an arrogance that proved my undoing. It was +necessary for me to be masterful in order to carry off the pose of +leadership, but I had not yet learned when to conciliate. + +It so happened that in the spring of my junior year my creditors +became more than usually pressing, and at the same time a Jew by +the name of Poco Abrahams began to threaten suit on a note of mine +for two thousand dollars, which I had discounted with him for seven +hundred and fifty. I made my usual demands upon my friends and +offered to do them the favor of letting them go on some more of my +paper, but without the usual result. I then discovered to my +annoyance that a wealthy young fellow know as "Buck" de Vries, who +had considered himself insulted by something that I had said or +done, had been quietly spreading the rumor that I was a sort of +hocus-pocus fellow and practically bankrupt, that my pretensions +to fashion were ridiculous, and that I made a business of living +off other people. Incidentally he had gone the rounds, and, owing +to the rumors that he himself had spread, had succeeded in buying +up most of my notes at a tremendous discount. These he lost no +time in presenting for payment, and as they amounted to several +thousand dollars my hope of reaching a settlement with him was +small. In point of fact I was quite sure that he wanted no settlement +and desired only revenge, and I realized what a fool I had been to +make an enemy out of one who might have been an ally. + +In this embarrassing situation I bethought me of old Mr. Toddleham, +and accordingly paid him an unexpected visit at Barristers' Hall. +It was a humid spring day, and I recall that the birds were twittering +loudly in the maples back of the Probate Office. As befitted my +station at the time of year, I was arrayed in a new beaver and a +particularly fanciful pair of rather tight trousers. + +"Come in," squeaked Mr. Toddleham, and I entered easily. + +The old lawyer peered quizzically at me from behind his square- +boned spectacles. + +"Oh," said he, "it's you, Master Quibble." + +"The same, and your most obedient," I replied, letting myself fall +gracefully into a chair and crossing my legs. + +"You want money, I suppose?" he continued, after a few minutes, +during which he inspected by get-up with some interest. + +"Well," I commenced lightly, "the fact is I am rather pressed. I +thought if you could make me a small advance out of my grandfather's +legacy--" + +"Legacy! What legacy?" he inquired. + +"The legacy my grandfather left me." + +"He left you no legacy," retorted the old gentleman. "Your +grandfather, to whom you were once so considerate as to refer in +my presence as a pig, left you no legacy. He directed that as long +as you seemed to deserve it I should spend a certain sum on your +maintenance and education." + +"Gad!" I cried. "That puts me in a nice position!" + +The old lawyer looked at me whimsically. + +"My gay young man," he remarked finally, "the only position you +occupy is one into which you have deliberately walked yourself. +You come here in your fine clothes and your beaver hat and--excuse +me--your whiskers, and you are surprised that there is no money +forthcoming to pay your debts. Do not look astonished. I know +and have known for a long time of your debts. I have followed your +career with attention if not with edification. Even for the son +of a Baptist minister you have done pretty well. However, life is +life and everybody is not the same. I sha'n't judge you. I was +a bit of a dog myself, although I don't look it now. But I can +give you no more money for game-cocks and cigars. It is time for +you to start in and earn your own living--if you can. At the end +of the term I will give you fifty dollars and a ticket to New York, +or one hundred dollars and no ticket to anywhere. You will have +to kick out for yourself. So fine a fellow," he added, "ought not +to find it hard to get along. No doubt you could find some rich +girl to marry you and support you in idleness." + +I flushed with anger and sprang to my feet. + +"I did not come here to be insulted!" I cried furiously. + +Old Mr. Toddleham chuckled apologetically. + +"Tut, tut! No offence. You won't find earning your living such +an easy matter. Have you thought anything about what you'll do?" + +"No," I answered, still indignant. + +"How much do you owe?" + +"About forty-eight hundred dollars." + +"Damme!" muttered Mr. Tuckerman Toddleham. "More than you could +earn in the first five years at the law!" + +"See here," I interrupted, "do you seriously mean that except for +fifty dollars or so there is nothing coming to me out of my +grandfather's estate? Why, he was worth over a million!" + +"That is exactly what I mean," he returned. "He left you nothing +except an allowance for your education during your good behavior. +He made me the judge. I'm your trustee and I can't conscientiously +let you have any more money to drink up and gamble with. It's over +and done with." He rapped with an air of finality on his desk with +the little bronze horse. + +"Who gets all the money?" I asked ruefully. + +"The Society for the Propagation of Free Thinking," he answered, +eyeing me sharply. + +"I should think anything like that ought to be contrary to law!" +I retorted. "It ought to be a crime to encourage atheism." + +"It's a good devise under our statutes!" he answered dryly. "I +suppose your own faith is beautiful enough, eh?" + +I did not respond, but sat twisting my hat in my hands. Through +the open window the soft damp odors of spring came in and mingled +with the dusty smell of law books. So this was law! It suddenly +struck me that I was taking the loss of over a million dollars very +resignedly. How did I know whether the old boy was telling me the +truth or not? He had drawn the will and got a good fee for it. +Certainly he was not going to admit that there was anything invalid +about it. Why not study law--I might as well do that as anything +--and find out for myself? It was a game worth playing. The stakes +were a million dollars and the forfeit nothing. As I looked around +the little office and at the weazened old barrister before me, +something of the fascination of the law took hold of me. + +"I rather think I should like to study law myself," I remarked. + +He looked at me out of the corners of his bead-like little eyes. + +"And break your gran'ther's will, mebbe?" he inquired slyly. + +"If I can," I retorted defiantly. + +"That would be better than fighting cocks and frittering your time +away with play actors," said he. + +"Mr. Toddleham," I returned, "if I will agree to turn over a new +leaf and give up my present associates, will you continue my +allowance and let me stay on in Cambridge and study law?" + +"If you will agree to enter my office and study under my supervision +--yes." + +Once more I glanced around the little room. Somehow the smell of +decaying leather did not have the same fascination that it had +exercised a few moments before. The setting sun sinking over the +Probate Office entered the window and lingered on the stern old +face of the Hon. Jeremiah Mason over the fireplace. The birds +twittered gayly amid the branches by the window. Spring called me +to the open air, to the world outside, to the future. + +"Give me fifty dollars and my ticket to New York," said I. + + +It had so happened that at the time of my visit to Mr. Toddleham +my credit, and consequently my ready funds, had become so reduced +that I had only a dollar or two in my pocket. Therefore the check +for fifty dollars that the old gentleman had carefully drawn for +me with his quill pen and then had as carefully sanded over was by +no means inopportune. I took the shore-car back over the Warren +Avenue Bridge, depressed at the thought of leaving the scene of my +first acquaintance with the world and at the same time somewhat +relieved, in spite of myself, by the consoling thought that I should +no longer be worried by the omnipresent anxiety of trying to escape +from duns and Jews. + +Resolved to terminate my collegiate career in a blaze of glory, I +went the rounds of the college buildings and bade all my friends +to a grand celebration at the Tavern, where, owing to the large +amount of trade that I had been able to swing to it, my credit was +still good. Even "Buck" de Vries was not forgotten, and without +a suggestion of my contemplated departure I entertained my colleagues +royally with a bowl of punch brewed after a celebrated Cambridge +recipe, which in a decadent age spoke eloquently of the glories of +the past. I was in the midst of a highly colored speech--during +which I must confess de Vries had eyed me in a somewhat saturnine +manner--when the proprietor tapped me on the shoulder and said that +I was wanted outside. Excusing myself I stepped to the door only +to be unexpectedly confronted by the local sheriff, who apologetically +informed me that he held a warrant of attachment for my worldly +goods and another for the arrest of my very worldly person. With +admirable presence of mind I requested his patience until I should +find my coat, and returning via the buttery made my escape from +the premises by means of the rear exit. _Sic gloria transit!_ +That night I slept under the roof of the amiable Quirk in Methuen, +and the day after reached New York, the city of my future career. + + +CHAPTER II + +My arrival in the metropolis was unaccompanied by any newspaper +comment or by any particular excitement on the part of the inhabitants. +I simply landed, after a seven hours' journey from Boston, with a +considerable quantity of fine raiment--rather too fine, as I soon +discovered, for the ordinary uses of a serious-minded, working +youth--some fifty odd dollars, and a well-developed bump of self- +confidence that was supported by a strong reserve resolution not +to let anybody get ahead of me. I had all the assurance of a man +double my years and an easy way of making acquaintances that was +destined to stand me in good stead, but I do not wish to be understood +as admitting that my manners were offensive or that I was in any +degree supercilious. I was simply a good fellow who had always +enjoyed the comradeship of other good fellows, and as a result felt +reasonably sure that the rest of the world would treat him kindly. +Moreover, I could dissemble without difficulty and, if occasion +arose, could give the impression of being a diffident and modest +young man, ready and anxious to order himself "lowly and humbly +before his betters." + +Yet I had seen enough of the world to know that unless a man puts +a high appraisal upon his attainments and ability no one else is +likely to do so, and that the public takes one, nine times out of +ten, at his own valuation. Coming on the clay itself: I wore my +hair rather long, with an appreciable modicum of bear's grease well +rubbed in, side whiskers and white beaver, and carried a carpet +bag on which was embroidered a stag's head in yellow on a background +of green worsted. And the principal fact to be observed in this +connection is that, instead of creating a smile as I passed out of +the Grand Central Station, I was probably regarded as a rather +smart and stylishly dressed young man. + +I had a card to some young actors in the city, given me by my +Thespian friends in Boston, and it proved but a short trip on the +horse-cars down Fourth Avenue to the locality, near the Academy of +Music, then as now frequented by the fraternity. I began my +professional career, then, by taking lodgings in an actors' boarding- +house, and I am free to confess that at the time I was undecided +whether to follow the bar or the boards. I have since frequently +observed that the same qualities make for success in both, and had +it not been for the fact that I found my new friends somewhat down +at the heels and their rate of emolument exceedingly low, as well +as for a certain little incident to be recounted shortly, I might +well have joined the group of future Booths and Forrests that +loitered along the near-by Rialto, looking for jobs as Roman soldiers +or footmen in some coming production. + +But the change from my well-appointed lodgings in Cambridge and my +luxurious surroundings at the Cock and Spur to a distinctly shabby +theatrical boarding-house, where the guests plainly exhibited traces +of the lack of proper ablutional facilities and the hallways smelt +of cabbage and onions, was a distinct shock to my highly sensitive +tastes. However, my new acquaintances proved warm-hearted and +hospitable and did everything in their power to make me feel at my +ease, with the result that in spite of the cabbage and the wooden +slats that served as springs in my bed--which nearly filled the +rear hall bed-room I had hired for one week at four dollars and +twenty-five cents--I resolved to postpone entering upon an active +career until I should know the city better and have made a few +friends. + +Those of my new comrades who were lucky enough to have employment +did not rise in the morning until the neighborhood of twelve o'clock, +and those who had no employment at all followed their example. I +thus found myself adopting of necessity, as it were, the pleasant +practice of sauntering out on Broadway after a one o'clock breakfast, +and of spending most of the afternoon, evening, and following +morning in or about the same locality. We usually went to some +theatrical show on what was known as "paper," and I afterward joined +my actor friends at a restaurant, where we sang songs and told +stories until the gas-lamps were extinguished and gray dawn crept +over the house-tops. Downtown--into the mysterious district of +Wall Street--I did not, as yet, go, and I might still be haunting +the stage entrances of the theatres had it not been for an adventure +in which I was an involuntary participant. + +It so happened that among my new acquaintances was a careless, +rattle-brained youth known as Toby Robinson, who in spite of some +histrionic ability was constantly losing his job and always in +debt. He was a smooth-faced, rather stout, good-natured-looking +person, of the sort who is never supposed to have done harm to +anybody. Not long before he had enjoyed a salary of fourteen +dollars per week, but having overslept several times running he +had been discharged for absence from rehearsals. He had reached +the limit of his resources about the time of my arrival in the city +and had been in a most lugubrious frame of mind when I first had +the honor of his acquaintance. Suddenly, however, he appeared one +day with a large roll of bills and entered upon a period of +lubrication and open-handed hospitality, in which we all participated. +During this season of good cheer, as Toby and I were strolling down +Broadway one afternoon, an ugly looking man who had been following +us stepped forward and, touching my friend on the shoulder, said +gruffly: + +"The captain wants to see you." + +The uttering of these cryptic syllables produced a most extraordinary +effect upon my companion, for he turned deadly pale and the +perspiration collected in beads upon his temples, while he commenced +to wring his hands and bemoan his ill fortune. + +"What is the trouble?" I inquired in great solicitude. + +The belligerent stranger, however, pushing between us, grasped Toby +firmly by the arm and marched him across the street, while I trailed +behind in the nature of a rear guard. I had already begun to +suspect that the ugly man was none other than an officer of the +law, and visions of myself locked up in jail as a possible accomplice, +although innocent of wrong-doing, hovered in my mind. Toby, giving +every indication of guilt, slouched along beside his captor, +occasionally glancing shamefacedly over his shoulder. + +We were now nearing a police station, and our companion, for the +first time showing any sign of personal interest, inquired if we +had a lawyer. On receiving a negative reply, the officer strongly +recommended our immediately retaining counsel in the person of one +Gottlieb, who could be found across the street from the police +station and whose precise whereabout were made obvious by means of +a large sign about six feet by three and one-half in size, reading +as follows: + + ABRAHAM GOTTLIEB'S + LAW OFFICE + NOTARY DEEDS + RENTS COLLECTED BAIL BONDS + INSURANCE GENERAL ADVICE + +Without giving Toby time for consideration the officer led us across +the street and into the stuffy little den occupied by the lawyer. + +"Here's the gent I told you of," said he, nodding in the direction +of a hawk-faced little man smoking a vile cigar, who was sitting +with his feet upon a table. "I'll leave you alone," he added, and +sauntering across the threshold, took his stand in front of the +window outside. + +"Howdy," remarked Gottlieb, without arising or removing his cigar. +"Mike tells me you're charged with obtaining money by false +pretences." + +"What!" gasped Toby, grasping the table for support. "False +pretences!" + +"Flying a bit of bad paper, eh? Come now, didn't you cash a check +on the Cotton Exchange Bank for about six hundred dollars when +there was only fifteen on deposit? Don't try to bluff me. I know +your sort. Lucky if you don't get ten years." + +"Save me!" wailed Toby. "Yes, I did cash a check, come to think +of it, for that amount, but I had no idea my account had run so +low." + +Mr. Gottlieb spat into a sawdust box under the table and winked +with great deliberation. + +"How much have you got left?" he inquired indifferently. + +Tony delved into his breeches and with trembling hands produced a +roll of bills still of some dignity. Gottlieb stretched forth a +claw, took them, placed them in his own pocket, and then swung his +feet to the floor with alacrity. + +"Come on, my lads," he exclaimed, "and I'll show you how we get +the sinners off! All right, Mike." And he led the way across the +street and into the station-house, where poor Toby was searched +and his pedigree taken down by the clerk. It being at this time +only about eleven in the morning we were then conducted to the +nearest police court, where we found in attendance the unfortunate +hotel keeper who had so unwisely honored Toby's check. + +"You rascal!" he shouted, struggling to reach my unfortunate friend. +"I'll show you how to take other people's money! I'll put you +where you belong!" But the officers haled him back and he was +forced to restrain himself until the could tell his story to the +judge. This, it so happened, was not to be for several hours, and +during this interval Gottlieb mysteriously vanished and as mysteriously +reappeared. It was half after three before the judge announced +that he would take up Toby's case. Now, the judge looked even more +of a rascal than did Gottlieb, which was paying his Honor a high +compliment, and I suspect that it was for this reason that the +complainant had in the meantime sent round for his own lawyer to +represent him. We were now pushed forward and huddled into a small +space in front of the rail, while the lawyers took their places +upon the platform before us. + +"Your Honor," began the lawyer for the hotel man, "this fellow here +has swindled my client out of six hundred dollars by inducing him +to cash a worthless check." + +"What have you to say, Mr. Gottlieb?" asked the judge. + +"Confession and avoidance, your Honor," replied the attorney, with +what appeared to me to be the slightest possible drawing down of +his right eyelid. "Confession and avoidance. We admit the fact, +but we deny the imputation of guilt. My client, Mr. Robinson, +whose abilities as an actor have no doubt hitherto given your Honor +much pleasure, was so careless as to forget the precise amount of +his bank account and happened to draw a check for too large an +amount. No one was more surprised and horrified at the discovery +than he. And his intention is at once to reimburse in full the +complainant, whose action in having him arrested seems most +extraordinary and reprehensible." + +"Your Honor," interrupted the other lawyer, "were there the slightest +possibility of any such outcome I should be glad to withdraw the +charge; but, as a matter of fact, this person is a worthless, lazy +fellow who has not a cent to his name, and who induced my client +to cash his check by leading him to believe that he was a man of +substance and position. No doubt he has spent the money, and if +not we might as well try to squeeze it out of a stone. This fellow +is guilty of a crime and he ought to be punished. I ask your Honor +to hold him for the grand jury." + +"Well, Mr. Gottlieb," remarked the judge, "tell me, if you can, +why I should not lock your client up. Did he not falsely pretend, +by requesting the complainant to cash the check, that he had money +in the bank to meet it?" + +"By no means, your Honor," answered Gottlieb. "The proffering of +a check with a request for money thereon is merely asking that the +money be advanced on the faith that the bank will honor the demand +made upon it. One who cashes a check does so at his own risk. He +has a full remedy at civil law, and if the bank refuses to pay no +crime has been committed. This is not a case for the penal law." + +"That seems reasonable," said the judge, turning to the other. +"How do you make this out a crime? What false pretence is there +in merely inviting another to cash a check?" + +"Why," answered the attorney, "if I ask you to cash a check for +me, do I not represent that I have a right to draw upon the bank +for the amount set forth? If not, no one would ever cash a check. +The innocent person who advances the money has the right to assume +that the borrower is not offering him a bad check. There is a +tacit representation that the check is good or that the maker has +funds in the bank to meet it." + +"True--true!" nodded his Honor. "There is something in what you +say. What answer can you make to that, Brother Gottlieb?" + +"I have a hundred good arguments," replied the lawyer in a low +tone. Then he added briskly: "But the intent, your Honor! There +can be no crime without a wrongful intent; and how can there have +been any such when my client honestly believed that he had the +money in the bank to meet the check?" + +"But," cried the other, "he knew very well he had not!" + +"What evidence have you to that effect?" queried Gottlieb. "You +say so, to be sure, but I, on the contrary, assert that he was +perfectly honest in the matter. Now, there is absolutely nothing +in this case to prove that he had any guilty knowledge to the effect +that his account was too low to meet the draft in question. You +have proven no scienter whatever." + +"Ah!" exclaimed the judge. "That is it! You have shown no +scienter!" + +"Exactly!" cried Gottlieb--"no scienter at all." + +"But how in the world could I have proved a scienter?" wrathfully +demanded the lawyer. "I can't pry open the prisoner's skull and +exhibit his evil intent." + +"No, but you could have shown that he knew he had only a few dollars +in the bank by the fact that he had previously tried to cash a +similar check and that it had been returned. In any event, my own +mind is clear on the subject. You have shown no scienter. The +prisoner is discharged." + +Poor Toby was so overcome by his unexpected release that he began +to stammer out incoherent expressions of gratitude to the judge, +such as "Oh, thank you, your Honor! God bless your Honor! Thank +you, your Honor! I am an innocent man, your Honor!" until Gottlieb, +grasping him by the arm, dragged him away from the rail and pushed +him into the street. The complainant and his attorney indignantly +followed us, the former loudly deploring the way modern justice +was administered. Once outside Gottlieb shook hands with Toby and +told him if he were ever in trouble again to look him up without +fail. Toby promised gratefully to do so, and the lawyer was about +to leave us and enter his office when it occurred to me that he +still had my friend's roll of bills. + +"But, Mr. Gottlieb," said I, "you are going to return Mr. Robinson's +money to him, are you not?" + +"What!" he exclaimed, growing frightfully angry. "Give him back +his money! I have no money of his. It is he owes me money for +keeping him out of jail." + +"But how about the roll of bills?" I protested. "You certainly do +not intend to keep all of that?" + +"Certainly--that is my fee," he retorted calmly; "and small enough +it is too!" + +"How much was there in that roll, Toby?" I asked. + +"About five hundred dollars," answered my friend. "But let him +keep it, by all means!" + +"Why," I exclaimed, "he has done nothing to earn such a fee. He +merely got up and said that you had no scienter--whatever that is. +It is not worth more than ten dollars." + +"Ten dollars!" shouted Gottlieb. "Ten dollars! Why scienter is +one of the most complicated and technical defences known to the +law. Ten dollars! Scienter is worth a thousand! Your rascally +friend got his money for nothing, didn't he? He's lucky to be +outside the bars--for if I ever saw a guilty man he's one. Get +along, both of you, or I'll call an officer!" + +And with that Gottlieb slipped inside his office and banged the +door. + +"Come along, Quib!" urged Tony; "there's a great deal of truth in +what he says. I don't begrudge it to him. It was well worth it +to me." + +"Lord!" I groaned. "Five hundred dollars just for scienter. If +that is the law, then I'll turn lawyer." + +And with that idea growing more firmly each moment in my mind I +returned to the boarding-house with my friend. + + +CHAPTER III + +I am free to confess that the ease with which Counsellor Gottlieb +had deprived my friend Toby of the ill-gotten proceeds of his check +--or, for his sake putting it more politely, had earned his fee-- +was the chief and inducing cause that led me to adopt the law as +a career. I shall not pretend that I had any lofty aims or ambitions, +felt any regard for its dignity or fascination for the mysteries +of its science when I selected it for my profession. My objects +were practical--my ambition to get the largest financial return +consonant with the least amount of work. My one concrete experience +of the law had opened my eyes to its possibilities in a way that +I had never dreamed of, and I resolved to lose no time in placing +myself in a position to rescue others from harm on the same pecuniary +basis as did Mr. Gottlieb. + +Of course I realized that I must serve an apprenticeship, and indeed +the law required that were I not a graduate of a law school that +I must have worked as a clerk for two years before I could be +admitted to the bar. Accordingly I began to make inquiries as to +what were the best law firms in the city, and before long had +acquired pretty definite information as to who were and who were +not in high standing. Now, I had no letters of introduction and +nothing to recommend me except a certain degree of maturity and a +cultivated manner of speaking, and I might and probably should have +been trying to this day to break into some sedate and high-toned +old-fogy office had it not been for one of those accidents with +which my career has been replete. + +I had visited all the firms on my list without finding any who +wanted to take in a student. Indeed all the offices seemed filled +if not crowded with studious-looking young men whose noses were +buried in law books. In one or two, to be sure, I might have +secured admittance and been given desk room in exchange for the +services of my legs as a runner of errands and a server of papers, +but none had any idea of paying anything. The profession at the +bottom was more overcrowded than the gallery of the Academy of +Music when they ran Rosedale. Each night as I returned to my +lodgings I felt more and more discouraged. Its smell of cabbage +came to have for me an inexpressible sensation of relief, of +protection, even of luxury. Here, at any rate, even in an actors' +boarding-house, I was independent, as good as anybody, and not +regarded as if I were a beggar on the one hand or a questionable +character on the other. + +How long this might have continued I have no means of knowing, but +one afternoon as I was trudging uptown, still holding in my hand +a copy of a legal journal, the advertisements in which I had been +engaged in sedulously running down, my attention was attracted by +a crowd gathered in the street around a young man who had been so +unfortunate as to be run over by a stage. There was nothing external +to indicate the extent of his injuries, and as I drew nearer two +persons assisted him to his feet and began to lead him toward the +nearest store. Having nothing better to do I walked along with +them, and after they had gone inside remained looking curiously +through the window. While I was thus engaged a stout, bustling +man of about forty years of age came hurrying down the sidewalk +and turned to enter the store. As he did he observed me apparently +waiting there and his eye with a quick glance took in the title of +the paper in my hand. Instantly he stepped up beside me and tapping +me on the arm said in a low tone: + +"Whom do you represent?" + +I was somewhat taken aback by this inquiry, not seeing at the moment +its immediate relation to the business at hand, but for want of a +better answer I replied in the same spirit: + +"Artemas Quibble." + +"Oh! Quibble, eh! I've heard of him. But look here, my young +friend, there is no reason why honest men should cut one another's +throats. Tell my friend Quibble I was here before ye and keep this +for yourself." + +And with that he peeled a twenty-dollar bill from the top of a +heavy roll that he produced from his pocket and placed it within +my palm. + +"Very good," said I. "It may cost me dear if Quibble hears of it, +but a man must live, and I work at starvation wages." + +I placed the bill in my breast pocket and made way for him to enter +the store, which he did without more ado. Why this busy gentleman +should gratuitously present me with twenty dollars did not at the +moment occur to me. I continued on my way northward, pondering +upon the question, and passed the street upon which the police +court was located and Counsellor Gottlieb had his office. The +thought came into my mind that here was the very person to shed +light upon the subject and I turned the corner and opened the door. +Gottlieb was in his customary position with his feet elevated upon +the table before him. + +"Well," he said, "I didn't expect you back so soon." + +"I've come for free advice this time," I answered. + +"Oh," he grunted. "Well, in that case perhaps you won't get it." + +Somehow I had taken a shine to the fellow, for all his robbery of +poor Toby, and I admired his quickness of perception and readiness +of speech. Perhaps he too felt not unkindly toward me. At any +rate I told him my story. + +"Now," says I, "what d'ye make of it?" + +Gottlieb laughed. + +"Was he a fat little turkey with gray eyes?" he inquired. + +"The same," I replied. + +"Then it was Tom Kelly," he answered. "On his daily still hunt +for the maimed, the halt and the blind. You say the chap had been +run over by the stage? Well, Tom'll take his case on a contingent +fee--fifty per cent. to Tom and fifty per cent. to the client of +all that comes of it--bring an action against the stage line and +recover heavy damages. Oh, it's terrible to think what that poor +injured young man will suffer. To-day he may feel quite well, but +to-morrow he will have all kinds of pains in his head and eyes, +his spine will ache, he will experience symptoms of a nervous +breakdown. He will retire to bed and not emerge for six months, +and when he does he'll be a hopeless and helpless cripple for life. +Tom is an artist, he is, in his own line. They tell me he made +sixty thousand last year out of his accident practice alone. Why, +the case he gave you twenty to keep out of may net him five thousand +dollars." + +"If I'd known that it would have cost him fifty!" I said, feeling +that an unjust advantage had been taken of me. + +"Twenty is the regular rate," answered Gottlieb. "There are too +many chances to make it worth much more merely to get the other +fellow out of the way. Sometimes, though, I've paid as high as +fifteen hundred for a case." + +"Fifteen hundred!" exclaimed I. + +"Yes, and got a verdict of nineteen thousand, of which I pocketed +ninety-five hundred and four hundred dollars costs besides." + +"Whew!" I whistled. + +"Oh, there's pretty good pickin's on occasion even for a police- +court lawyer," he continued; "but it's nothin' to the return from +what I might call legitimate practice. Now, there's old Haight, +of Haight & Foster, for instance. He gets half a dozen twenty- +thousand-dollar fees every year, and all he has is strictly old- +fashioned probate and real-estate practice and a little of this +new-fangled railroad business. My great regret is that I didn't +stick to regular trade instead of going after easy money. Who's +Gottlieb now? Just a police-court lawyer, when he might be arguing +before the Supreme Court of the United States! My brain's just as +good as Haight's. I've licked him many a time in my young days. +And then I get tired of all this hogwash! I tell you it's dirty +business, most of it!" + +"Well," I answered, remembering "scienter," "I've no doubt that +you could beat them all. But I fancy you have nothing to complain +of in the way of returns, yourself. What worries me is how to get +any start at all. I've tried half the law offices in town." + +Gottlieb listened with some interest as I outlined my experiences. + +"But," he exclaimed, "you didn't go to the right person. You should +have tackled the head of the firm himself. Find some sort of +introduction. Flatter him. Offer to work for nothing--and, trust +me, he'll have you. Now, my advice is to go straight to old Haight +and make up your mind to get into his office willy-nilly. It'll +be worth three thousand a year to you to graduate from there. +It'll give you the tone you need in the profession. There are two +qualities that make for the highest success in the law--honesty +and dishonesty. To get ahead you must have one or the other. You +must either be so irreproachable in your conduct and elevated in +your ideals that your reputation for virtue becomes your chief +asset, or, on the other hand, so crooked that your very dishonesty +makes you invaluable to your clients. Both kinds of lawyers are +equally in demand. Some cases require respectability and some +dirty work. But the crooked lawyer has got to be so crooked that +everybody is afraid of him, even the judge. Now, the trouble with +me is that I'm too honest. Sometimes I wish I were a crook like +the rest of them!" + +He sighed deeply and slowly drew down his left eyelid. + +"Thank you, Mr. Gottlieb," said I, suppressing an inclination to +smile. "I'll take your advice. Perhaps you'll let me talk to +you again later on." + +"Come as often as you like," he replied. "And look you, young- +feller-me-lad, I'll give you half of all the profits I make out of +any business you bring me. You don't have to be a lawyer to get +clients. Hustle around among your friends and drum up some trade +and you'll do almost as well as if you could try cases yourself. +For every dollar I earn you get another. Is it a go?" + +"Surely!" I cried. "And if I'm not very much mistaken I'll not be +long about it, for I have an idea or two in my head already." + +The next day I again presented myself at the office of Haight & +Foster, where I had already applied for a position to the chief +clerk. This time I asked for the head of the firm himself, and I +was amused to see that whereas before I had been almost kicked out +of the office, I was now treated with the respect due to a possible +client. After a wait of some twenty minutes I was ushered into a +large sunny office lined with books and overlooking the lower East +River. Mr. Haight was a wrinkled old man with a bald scalp covered +with numerous brown patches about the size of ten-cent pieces. A +fringe of white hair hung about his ears, over one of which was +stuck a goose-quill pen. He looked up from his desk as I entered +and eyed me sharply. + +"Well, Mr. Quibble," he began gruffly, as if he were about to add, +"out with what you have to say, young man, and be gone as soon as +possible!" + +"Mr. Haight," said I with great defence, "I have called on you at +the suggestion of my guardian and trustee, Mr. Tuckerman Toddleham, +of Barristers' Hall, Boston, to inquire whether I may not be allowed +the great privilege of a desk in your office. I am a Harvard man, +born in Salem, and of an old Massachusetts family. Ever since I +made up my mind as a boy to enter the law it has been my ambition +to study in your office; and, I may add, it is also the earnest +hope of my guardian, Mr. Toddleham." + +"Do you refer to the Mr. Toddleham of 'Toddleham on Perpetuities'?" +he asked with some interest. + +"The same," I answered, for although I had never heard of the work +in question, it seemed just the sort for old Toddleham's production. + +"I am glad to know you, Mr. Quibble," he exclaimed, extending his +hand. "I have often wished that I could meet your guardian and +ask the great Mr. Toddleham face to face what he really thinks of +the Rule in Shelley's Case--what do you think of it? What _was_ +the Rule in Shelley's Case, may I ask?" + +Now, I had never heard of the rule in question, so for want of a +better answer I replied: + +"The law is no respecter of person. I suppose the rule was _the +same in his case as in any other_." + +Mr. Haight looked at me strangely for a moment and suddenly began +to chuckle. Then he eyed me again and chuckled still more. Finally +he laid aside all modestly and hugged himself with delight. + +"I see that you are a man of _esprit!_" he remarked between spasms. +"I shall be glad to take you into my office. You may go and +introduce yourself to Mr. Spruggins, the chief clerk." + +Thus it was that I secured my first slender foothold at the bar of +New York, and it was not for several years that I discovered that +the Toddleham who had written the book on Perpetuities was an +entirely different person, belonging to another branch of the +family. + +Of course I received no compensation for my services at Haight & +Foster's, but that was the customary rule with all students. As +a result we were not strictly tied down in our attendance at the +office. I really believe it would have been cheaper for the firm +to have paid a small salary to their clerks, for it would then have +been in a position to demand much more of them in return. As it +was I found myself able to come and go about as I chose, and being +obliged to support myself in some way my attendance at the office +was quite irregular. But I was started at last and belonged +somewhere. No longer was it necessary for me to wander about the +streets looking for a place to hang my hat, and I already had +schemes in mind whereby I was soon to become rich. + +My associates in the office were all scholarly, respectable young +men, most of them law-school graduates and scions of well-known +families, and I was not insensible to the advantage to me that my +connection with them might be later on. It was essential that I +should impress them and the firm with my seriousness of purpose, +and so I made it a point, unpleasant as I found it, to be on hand +at the office every morning promptly at eight-thirty o'clock, ready +to arrange papers or serve them, and to be of any assistance, no +matter how menial, to Mr. Spruggins, whose sense of dignity I took +pains to flatter in every way possible. In the afternoon, however, +I slipped away on the pretext of having to go uptown to study, but +in point of fact in order to earn enough money to pay for my board +and lodging. + +I had been cogitating several ideas since I had visited Gottlieb, +and the one that appealed to me the most was that of procuring of +business for other lawyers upon a percentage basis. I reasoned +that there must be several hundred thousand people in the city who +had no acquaintance with lawyers and would be as ready to consult +one as another. Reputable lawyers did not advertise, to be sure, +but I was not yet a lawyer, and hence many courses were open to me +at this stage in my career that would be closed later on. I had +considerable confidence in my own persuasive ability and felt that +it was only a question of time before I could drum up a substantial +amount of business. Accordingly I had a few cards neatly printed +on glossed board reading: + + MR. ARTEMAS QUIBBLE + BROADWAY + OF + HAIGHT & FOSTER Contracts + ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW Mortgages + 10 WALL STREET Tax Matters + NEW YORK CITY General Advice + +The Haight & Foster end of the card was done in very heavy type, +while my own name was comparatively inconspicuous. Further to +assist my plans I rented a tiny office not far from Madison Square +for the sum of two dollars per week and furnished it with a table, +two chairs, and an inkpot. The door bore the inscription: + + OFFICE OF + ARTEMAS QUIBBLE, ESQ. + COUNSELLOR + +The reader will observe that not being authorized as yet to practice +as an attorney I was scrupulous not to hold myself out as one. +"Counsellor" might mean anything. Certainly I had the right to +give counsel to such as desired it. Here I might be found at and +after half-past one of every day, having already done five hours' +work at the office of Haight & Foster. I still had enough funds +to carry me for some three weeks and so felt no immediate anxiety +as to the future, but I realized that I must lose no time in getting +out my tentacles if I were to drag in any business. Accordingly +I made myself acquainted with the managers and clerks of the +neighboring hotels, giving them the impression, so far as I could, +that Haight & Foster had opened an uptown office and that I was in +charge of it. I made friends also with the proprietors and barkeepers +of the adjacent saloons, of which there were not a few, and left +plenty of my cards with them for distribution to such of their +customers as might need legal assistance, in each case promising +that any business which they secured would be liberally rewarded. +In short, I made myself generally known in the locality and planted +the seed of cupidity in the hearts of several hundreds of impecunious +persons. It was very necessary for me to net ten dollars per week +to live, and under the circumstances it seemed reasonable to believe +that I could do so. + +Almost at the outset I had a piece of luck, for a guest at a Fifth +Avenue hotel was suddenly stricken with a severe illness and desired +to make a will. It was but a few days after I had called upon the +manager, and, having me fresh in his mind, he sent for me. The +sick man proved to be a wealthy Californian who was too far gone +to care who drew his will so long as it was drawn at all, and I +jotted down his bequests and desires by his bedside. I had originally +intended to go at once to Mr. Haight and turn the matter over to +him, but my client seemed so ill that it appeared hardly necessary. +I persuaded myself with the argument that the affair required a +more immediate attention than the office could give, and accordingly +decided to draw the will myself and incidentally to earn the whole +fee. The proceeding seemed honest enough, since, although I had +been introduced as representing Haight & Foster, the sick man had +never heard of them before and obviously did not care one way or +the other. + +I had never drawn a will or any other legal paper, but I lost no +time in slipping around to Gottlieb's office and borrowing a work +on surrogates' practice, including forms, with which under my arm +I hurried back to my office. Here after a good many unsuccessful +attempts I produced a document sufficiently technical to satisfy +almost any layman and probably calculated to defeat every wish of +the testator. Of this, however, I was quite ignorant, and do myself +the justice to say that, had not that been the case, I would not +have attempted what I now know to have been an impossible task for +one of my lack of legal education. I carefully engrossed the will +in long hand on fresh foolscap, ornamented it with seals and ribbons +and, returning to the hotel, superintended its execution. My client +asked my how much was my fee and I modestly replied--as I never +expected to see him again this side of the grave--that my charge +would be one hundred and fifty dollars. He nodded, and indicating +his pocketbook, told me to help myself, which I did, regretting +not having asked for more. That night he died, and my impromptu +will was forwarded to California and became the subject of a +litigation lasting over eleven years and costing several hundred +thousand dollars. + +It thus happened that my eagerness to begin to build up my material +fortunes, coupled with the necessity of having a technical connection +with a regular firm of lawyers, resulted in my leading a sort of +double legal existence. In the morning I was a mere drudge or +office devil, in the afternoon I was Counsellor Quibble, head of +his own office and my own master. Having now a capital of one +hundred and fifty dollars I was in a position to put one of my +schemes into practice, and accordingly I drew up with great care +the following instrument, copies of which I had struck off by a +theatrical job printer near by: + +====================================================================== +THIS AGREEMENT made this . . . . day of . . . . . . . . , 1878, +between . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , of the City and County +of New York, party of the first part, and Artemas Quibble, Esquire, +of the same, party of the second part, WITNESSETH: + +That the said party of the first part in consideration of one dollar +to him in hand paid upon the first day of each month by the party +of the second part, hereby covenants and agrees to employ at a +reduced rate the said party of the second part to look after all +the legal matters that my arise in his business and to recommend +said party of the second part to his friends and acquaintances as +a suitable person to perform the like services for them; in the +latter event the said party of the first part to receive as a +further consideration a commission of one-third of the fees of the +party of the second part procured therefrom. + +IN WITNESS WHEREOF we have hereunto set our hands and seals the +day and year above named. + +...................................(*) +...................................(*) +====================================================================== + +Armed with these insinuating documents I procured a fresh roll of +one hundred one-dollar bills and set forth to interview all whose +acquaintance I had made in the course of my brief residence in the +city. My argument ran thus: Almost anybody would be willing to +receive a dollar every month in return for a service that would +cost him nothing. With an outlay of one hundred dollars I could +have a hundred persons virtually in my employ trying to get me +business. After the first month I could discontinue with those +who seemed likely to prove unremunerative. Almost any case would +return in fees as much as my original disbursement. On the whole +it seemed a pretty safe investment and the formal-looking contract +would tend to increase the sense of obligation upon the contracting +party of the first part. Nor did my forecast of the probabilities +prove at all wide of the mark. Practically every one to whom I +put the proposition readily accepted my dollar and signed the +agreement, and at the end of a week my one hundred dollars had been +distributed among all the cab drivers, conductors, waiters, elevator +men, clerks, bartenders, actors, hall boys, and storekeepers that +I knew or with whom I could scrape an acquaintance. None of them +expected to have any business of their own and all welcomed with +delight the idea of profiting by the misfortunes of their friends. + +I had often lost or won at a single sitting at cards a much larger +sum than the one I was now risking in what seemed an excellent +business proposition, so that the money involved caused me no +uneasiness. Besides, I had fifty dollars left in my pocket. +Meantime I spent my evening in my office reading Blackstone and +such text-books as I cared to borrow from the well-equipped library +of my employers. + +Business came, however, with unexpected promptitude. At the end +of the first week I had received calls from two actors who desired +to sue their managers for damages for breach of contract, five +waiters who wished to bring actions for wages due, and actress who +wanted a separation from her husband, a bartender who was charged +with assault for knocking the teeth of an unruly customer down his +throat, and a boy whose leg had been caught under an elevator and +crushed. Each of these I made sign an agreement that I should +receive half of any sum recovered in consideration of seeing that +they received proper legal advice and service, and each of them I +sent over to Counsellor Gottlieb, with whom I executed a mutual +contract to divide evenly the fees received. + +The reader will notice that I did not technically hold myself out +as a lawyer in these contracts, and merely agreed to furnish counsel. +Thus I flattered myself I was keeping on the lee side of the law. +Gottlieb settled the case of the boy for twelve hundred dollars, +and we divided six hundred between us, and the other cases that +came in the first month netted us three hundred dollars apiece +more. The future began to look bright enough, as I had to distribute +as commissions only two hundred dollars, which left me a gross +profit of four hundred dollars. With this I secured fifty new +contracts, and after paying the second installments upon all the +first I pocketed as a net result two hundred and fifty dollars +cash. I now had a growing business at my back, finding it necessary +to employ an office assistant, and accordingly selected for that +purpose an old actor who was no longer able to walk the boards, +but who still retained the ability to speak his part. For a weekly +wage of ten dollars this elderly gentleman agreed to sit in my +office and hold forth upon my ability, shrewdness, and learning to +all such as called in my absence. In the afternoons I assumed +charge myself and sent him forth armed with contracts to secure +new allies. + +My business soon increased to such an extent that it bid fair to +take up all my time, and the bookkeeping end of it, with its +complicated division of receipts, proved not a little difficult. +The amazement of my friend Gottlieb knew no bounds, but as it was +a profitable arrangement for him he asked no questions and remained +in ignorance as to the source of my stream of clients, until one +of his friends, to whom my assistant had made application, showed +him one of the contracts. That night he sent for me to come to +his office, and after offering me a very large and exceedingly good +Havana cigar delivered himself as follows: + +"Harkee, Quib, you are more of a fellow than I took you for. You +have more cleverness than any man of your years in my acquaintance +at the bar. This scheme of yours, now, it's a veritable gold mine. +Not but that anybody could make use of it. It can't be patented, +you know. But it's excellently devised; no one will deny that. +What do you say to a partnership, eh? On the same terms?" + +Now, I had more than once thought of the same thing myself, but +the idea of associating myself in business with an out-and-out +criminal attorney had to my mind serious drawbacks. We discussed +the matter at length, however, and Gottlieb pointed out very wisely +that I was running a great risk in distributing broadcast cards +upon which appeared the unauthorized name of Haight & Foster, as +well as in conducting an office under my own name, when in fact I +was but an attorney's clerk downtown. My connection and association +with such a reputable firm was an asset not to be jeopardized +lightly, and he advised my withdrawing so far as I could all my +cards from circulation and conducting my business _sub rosa_. In +the end we came to an understanding which we reduced to writing. +I was to become a silent partner in Gottlieb's business and my +office was to become a branch of his, my own name being entirely +in abeyance. On the whole, this arrangement pleased me very well, +as under it I ran practically no risk of having my activities +discovered by my employers. + +It is somewhat difficult to know just in what order to present +these memoirs to the reader, for from this time on my life became +a very varied one. Had I the time I should like nothing better +than to paint for my own satisfaction an old-fashioned law office +as it was conducted in the 'seventies--its insistent note of +established respectability, the suppressed voices of its young men, +their obvious politeness to each other and defence to clients, +their horror at anything vulgar, the quiet, the irritating quiet, +Mr. Wigger's red wig--he was the engrossing clerk--the lifelessness +of the atmosphere of the place, as if nothing real ever happened +there, and as if the cases we prepared and tried were of interest +only on account of the legal points involved. When I was there, +filing papers in their dusty packages, I used to feel as though I +was fumbling among the dust of clients long since dead and gone. +The place stifled and depressed me. I longed for red blood and +real life. There I was, acting as a clerk on nothing a year, when +uptown I was in the centre of the whirlpool of existence. It was +with ill-concealed gratification that I used daily at one o'clock +to enter the library, bow to whatever member of the firm happened +to be there, remove a book from the shelves and slip out of the +door. A horse-car dropped me in half an hour at a hotel near my +office. After I had snatched a sandwich and a cup of coffee in +the cafe I would dash up to my office--the door of which now bore +the lettering: + + ABRAHAM GOTTLIEB + ATTORNEY & COUNSELLOR-AT-LAW + BRANCH OFFICE + SIDDONS KELLY, MANAGER + +Siddons Kelly was the superannuated actor of whom I have already +spoken, and when he was not, so to speak, in drink he was an +invaluable person. He had followed the stage all his life, but he +was of the sort that tear passion to tatters and he had never risen +above third-rate parts. In every respect save declamation he had +all the elegances and charm of manner that the stage can give, and +he would receive and bow out a scrubwoman who had fallen down a +flight of back stairs and wanted to make the landlord pay for her +broken head with a grace truly Chesterfieldian. This was all very +fine until he had taken a drop too much, when his vocabulary would +swell to such dimensions that the confused and embarrassed client +would flee in self-protection unless fortunate enough to be rescued +by Gottlieb or myself. Poor Kelly! He was a fine old type. And +many a client then and later was attracted to my office by his +refined and intellectual old face with its locks of silky gray. +An old bachelor, he died alone one night in his little boarding- +house with a peaceful smile on his wrinkled face. He lies in +Greenwood Cemetery. Over him is a simple stone--for which I paid +--bearing, as he had requested, only the words: + + SIDDONS KELLEY + AN ACTOR + +As may well be supposed, my professional career uptown was vastly +more entertaining than my experiences at Haight & Foster's. My +afternoons were filled with a constant procession of clients of +all ages, sexes, colors, and conditions. As the business grew and +greater numbers of persons signed our contracts and received their +honorarium of a dollar a month, a constantly increasing percentage +of criminal or semi-criminal cases came to the office. Of course +there was no better criminal lawyer than Gottlieb in the city, and +before long the criminals outnumbered our civil clients. At the +same time I noticed a tendency on the part of the civil business +to fall off, the reason for this probably being that my partner +was known only as a criminal attorney. Now, I began to dislike +the idea of paying a dollar a month to induce people to refer +business to us, and indeed I found that the disbursement of five +or six hundred dollars every four weeks for this purpose was no +trifling matter. Accordingly I decided to try letting them go for +a month or so, but business fell off to such an alarming extent +that I almost immediately resumed the contract system, merely +reducing its proportions. + +In addition to our "dollar-a-monthers," as we called them, Gottlieb +employed half a dozen professional "runners," whose sole occupation +it was to hunt down unfortunate persons injured accidentally and +secure their cases. These employees made a business of joining as +many social clubs, labor and other organizations as possible and +swinging the business in Gottlieb's direction. At one time the +competition for accident cases became so fierce that if a man were +run over on Broadway the rival runners would almost tear him limb +from limb in their eagerness to get his case; and they would follow +a dying man to the hospital and force their way on one pretext or +another to his bedside. There used to be a story, which went the +rounds of the clubs and barrooms, of a very swell old buck who owed +an enormous amount of money and who happened to be knocked down +and rendered insensible by a butcher's wagon. He was taken to the +hospital and did not regain consciousness for several hours. When +at last he opened his eyes he saw several dozen cards plastered +upon the ceiling directly over his head, reading: + + GO TO + LEVY & FINKLESTEIN + ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW + WE GET YOU MONEY! + + TRY + EINSTEIN & GOLDBERG + IN THE BUSINESS 30 YEARS + + SOLOMONS & MEYER + ATTORNEYS + CAN GET YOU + $5000 FOR A LEG + $10,000 FOR A LIVER + + MOSES BLOOM + THE HONEST LAWYER + + SAMUEL SHARP + COUNSELLOR-AT-LAW + +"Ah!" he murmured, rubbing his eyes and turning to the nurse; "I +thought I was in some strange place, but I see that all my friends +have been to call already!" + +Our criminal business, however, was so extensive that it took +practically all of Gottlieb's time, and he found it necessary to +hire a couple of clerks to attend to the civil cases that came to +us. My partner was obliged to spend the whole of almost every day +in attendance at the criminal courts. Frequently he remarked +jestingly that under the circumstances, as he had to give all his +time to it anyway, he could as easily attend to _all_ the criminal +business of the city as to the small part of it that came to him. + +"Well," I said to him one day, "why don't you?" + +"Why don't I what?" he retorted. + +"Get all the criminal business there is," I answered. + +"Quib," he exclaimed excitedly, "have you got another of your +ideas?" + +"I think so," I returned. "How does this strike you? Why not +issue a policy, like life or accident insurance, in which for a +moderate sum you agree to defend _free of charge_ any man accused +of crime? You know that every criminal is always trying to save +up money against the time when he shall be caught and have to hire +a lawyer. Now, it is true that these fellows pay very well, but +there are not many that can pay a large fee. If you could get +enough crooks to take out a policy at ten dollars per year you +might make a good thing of it." + +"But how would we get our scheme going?" inquired my partner, with +a gleam in his eye. "It certainly is a gold mine, if it will work." + +"Leave the thing to me," I admonished him. + +That evening I drew up with great care a policy of insurance against +the loss occasioned by having to employ counsel if arrested for +crime. On its back was indorsed the following insidious philosophy: + +"Innocent men, as well as guilty, are frequently arrested for +violating the law. This costs money. Lawyers are notorious +extortioners. For ten dollars a year we guarantee to defend you +_for nothing_ if charged with crime. Twenty-five dollars insures +entire family. We make no distinction between ex-convicts and +others. + +"ABRAHAM GOTTLIEB, +"Of Counsel." + +My next task was to boom my scheme by successful advertising, and +with this in view I persuaded Gottlieb to issue free policies to +a dozen or so of the worst rascals that he knew. Naturally it was +not long before one of them was arrested for some offence, and +Gottlieb as naturally succeeded in getting him off, with the natural +result that the fellow went all over town telling how one could be +a burglar with impunity for ten dollars a year. At about the same +time I heard of a man who was in the Tombs charged with murder, +but who was almost certain to get off on account of the weakness +of the case against him. I, therefore, visited the defendant and +offered to give him a policy for ten dollars, in spite of the fact +that he was already in jail. He snatched readily enough at the +chance of getting as good a lawyer as Gottlieb to defend him for +ten dollars, and when he was acquitted made so much of it that +there was hardly a prisoner in the Tombs who did not send for one +of our policies to guard against future legal difficulties. To +all of these we offered free advice and a free trial upon the +charges pending against them, as a sort of premium or inducement +to become policy-holders, and in six months had over two hundred +subscribers. This meant in cash about two thousand dollars, but +it necessitated defending any or all of them whenever they were so +unfortunate as to run foul of the police, and as luck would have +it out of the two hundred policy-holders forty-seven of them were +arrested within the first six months--fifteen for burglary, eleven +for robbery and assault, sixteen for theft, and five for murder. +These latter cases took all of Gottlieb's working hours for some +seven and a half weeks, at the end of which time he threw up his +hands and vowed never to insure anybody against anything again. +It was impossible for me to try any of the cases myself, as I was +not as yet admitted to the bar, and the end of the matter was that +we returned the premiums and cancelled the policies of the remaining +one hundred and fifty-three insured. This done, Gottlieb and I +heaved sighs of mutual relief. + +"You are a clever fellow, Quib," he acknowledged good-naturedly, +"but in some ways you are ahead of your time. You ought to have +gone into life insurance or railroading. Your genius is wasted on +anything that ain't done wholesale. Let's you and me just stick +to such clients as come our way in the natural course of events. +There isn't any one born yet big enough to do all the criminal law +business in this little old town by himself." + +And in this I with some regret agreed with him. + + +CHAPTER IV + +As I have already taken some pains to indicate, I was fully persuaded +of the practical value of a professional connection with a legal +firm of so eminent a standing as that of Messrs. Haight & Foster, +and for this reason the reader may easily appreciate the shock with +which I received the information that my presence was no longer +desired in the office. + +Mr. Haight had unexpectedly sent for me word that I was wanted in +the library and I had obeyed his summons without a suspicion that +my career as a civil attorney was to be abruptly terminated. As +I closed the door behind me I saw the old lawyer standing near the +window, his spectacles poked above his eyebrows and his forehead +red with indignation. Between the thumb and forefinger of his left +hand he held a card. + +"So," he exclaimed, vainly trying to appear collected, "I find that +my firm has been conducting an uptown office for criminal business! +This is one of your cards, I believe?" + +He tossed it from him as if it were infected with some virulent +legal disease, and I saw that it was one of the unfortunate cards +that I had had printed before forming my partnership with Gottlieb. +It was no use denying anything. + +"Yes," I answered, as quietly as I could, "it is one of my cards." + +"I am also informed," he continued, his voice trembling with +suppressed wrath, "that while you have been masquerading as a +student in this office you have been doing a police-court law +business in association with a person named Gottlieb." + +I turned white, yet made no traverse of his indictment. I was +going to be kicked out, but I felt that I could at least make my +exit with a dignified composure. + +"Young man, you are no longer wanted here," continued Mr. Haight +with acerbity. "You have found your own level without assistance +and you will no doubt remain there. You obtained your position in +this office by means of false pretences. I do not know who you +really are or whence you really come, but I have no doubt as to +where you will eventually go. This office does not lead in the +right direction. You ought to be locked up! Get out!" + +I went. + +Glib as I was in the defence of others I found it difficult to +argue in my own behalf. At any rate, it would have availed nothing. +I had been tried, convicted, and sentenced in my absence, and it +was vain to hope for pardon. There is something in righteous +indignation that inevitably carries respect with it. I fully +sympathized with Mr. Haight. I had cheated and outraged his firm +and I knew it. I had no excuse to offer and he was entitled to +his burst of excoriation. Morally I felt sure that the worm that +had worked deepest into his bone was the fact that my guardian, +whose name, as the reader may recall, I had made use of as an +introduction, had not in fact written "Tottenham on Perpetuities" +at all. + +Thus I passed out of the office of Haight & Foster much as I had +slipped in--quite unostentatiously. All hope of success along the +slow and difficult lines of legitimate practice faded from my mind. +Whether I willed it or not, as a criminal attorney I was destined +to make my bread. + +There was now no reason why Gottlieb and I should any longer conceal +our partnership, and we decided, therefore, to go into things on +a much larger scale than theretofore, and hired a suite of offices +on Centre Street, near the Tombs, where we could be within easy +reach of the majority of our clients. A sign some forty feet long +and three feet wide ran along the entire front of the building, +bearing the names Gottlieb & Quibble. Our own offices were in the +rear, the front rooms being given over to clerks, runners, and +process servers. A huge safe bought for a few dollars at an auction +stood in the entrance chamber, but we used it only as a receptacle +for coal, its real purpose being simply to impress our clients. +We kept but few papers and needed practically no books; what we +had were thrown around indiscriminately, upon chairs, tables--even +on the floor. I do not recall any particular attempt to keep the +place clean, and I am sure that the windows were never washed. +But we made money, and that was what we were out for--and we made +it every day--every hour; and as we made it we divided it up and +put it in our pockets. Our success from the start seemed in some +miraculous way to be assured, for my partner had, even before I +knew him, established a reputation as one of the keenest men at +the criminal bar. + +As time went on our offices were thronged with clients of all sexes, +ages, conditions, and nationalities. The pickpocket on his way +out elbowed the gentlewoman who had an erring son and sought our +aid to restore him to grace. The politician and the actress, the +polite burglar and the Wall Street schemer, the aggrieved wife and +stout old clubman who was "being annoyed," each awaited his or her +turn to receive our opinion as to their respective needs. Good or +bad they got it. Usually it had little to do with law. Rather it +was sound, practical advice as to the best thing to be done under +the circumstances. These circumstances, as may be imagined, varied +widely. Whatever they were and however little they justified +apprehension on the part of the client we always made it a point +at the very outset to scare the latter thoroughly. "Conscience +doth make cowards of us all." But a lawyer is a close second to +conscience when it comes to coward-making; in fact, frightening +people, innocent or guilty, became to a very large extent our +regular business. + +The sinners most of them live in daily terror of being found out +and the virtuous are equally fearful of being unjustly accused. +Every one knows how a breath of scandal originating out of nothing +can wither a family and drive strong men to desperation. The press +is always ready to print interesting stories about people, without +inquiring too closely into their authenticity. Curiously enough +we found that an invitation to call at our office usually availed +to bring the most exemplary citizens without delay. I can remember +not more than three who had the courage to refuse. Most came, as +it were, on the run. Others made a bluff at righteous indignation. +All, in the end, paid up--and paid well. Our reputation grew, and +in the course of a few years the terror of us stalked abroad through +the city. + +Our staff was well organized, however disordered may have been the +physical appearance of our office. In the first place we had an +agent in every police court who instantly informed us whenever any +person was arrested who had sufficient means to make it worth our +while to come to his assistance. This agent was usually the clerk +or some other official who could delay the proceedings in such a +way as to give us time to appear upon the scene. We also had many +of the police in our pay and made it a practice to reward liberally +any officer who succeeded in throwing us any business. In this +way defendants sometimes acquired the erroneous idea that if they +followed the suggestion of the officer arresting them and employed +us as their attorneys, they would be let off through some collusion +between the officer and ourselves. Of course this idea was without +foundation, but it was the source of considerable financial profit +to us, and we did little to counteract the general impression that +had gone abroad that we "stood in" with the minions of the law and +were _personae gratae_ to the judges of the police courts. + +After the telephone came into general use Gottlieb employed it in +many ingenious ways. He even had an unconnected set of apparatus +hanging on the wall of the office, through which he used to hold +imaginary conversations with judges and city officers for the +benefit of clients who were in search of "inflooence." It is a +common weakness of the layman to believe that more can be accomplished +through pull than through the merit of one's cause. Even litigants +who have the right on their side are quite as apt to desire an +attorney who is supposed to be "next" to the judge as are those +whose only hope is through judicial favor. Gottlieb's relations +to the lower magistrates were in many instances close, but he +professed to be on the most intimate terms with all who wore the +ermine, whether in the police courts or on the supreme bench. Time +after time I have overheard some such colloquy as the following. +A client would enter the office and after recounting his difficulties +or wrongs would cautiously ask Gottlieb if he knew the judge before +whom the matter would come. + +"Do I _know_ him?" my partner would cry. "I lunch with him almost +every day! Wait a minute, and I'll call him up." + +Vigorously ringing the bell attached to the unconnected instrument +upon the wall Gottlieb would indulge his fancy in some such dialogue +as: + +"Hello--hello! Is this Judge Nemo? Oh, hello, Jack, is it you? +Yes, it's me--Abe. Say, I want to talk over a little matter with +you before I go into court. How about lunch? Sure--any time will +suit me. One o'clock? I'll be there. Thanks. So long, old man. +See you later!" + +The client by virtue of this auricular demonstration of our friendly +relations with the bench would be instantly convinced that his +success was assured and that Gottlieb & Quibble were cheap at any +retainer they might choose to name. + +For the most part the routine office work fell to me and Gottlieb +attended to the court end of the business. For there was no more +adroit or experienced trial attorney in the courts than my little +hook-nosed partner. Even down-town attorneys with almost national +reputations as corporation lawyers would call him in as associate +counsel in important cases in which a criminal element was involved. +Thus we frequently secured big fees in what Gottlieb was pleased +to call legitimate practice, although I am inclined to believe that +our share was small compared with that of the civil lawyers who +had retained us. On one occasion where Gottlieb had been thus +called in, the regular attorney of record, who happened to be a +prominent churchman, came to our office to discuss the fee that +should be charged. The client was a rich man who had sued successfully +for a divorce. + +"How much, Mr. Gottlieb," inquired the attorney, stroking his chin, +"do you think would be a fair amount to ask for our services?" + +My partner hesitated for a moment and mentally reviewed the length +of time of the case--a very simple one--had occupied. + +"Do you think five thousand dollars would be too much?" he finally +asked with some hesitation. + +"Five!" cried the lawyer in astonishment. "It should be twenty +thousand--at the least!" + +It is not my intention to give a history of the firm of Gottlieb +& Quibble, but rather a general description of the work of any +criminal law office. Its object is precisely the same as that of +the best offices where civil law is practised--that is, to make +money out of the client. But inasmuch as the client who seeks the +aid of a criminal attorney is usually in dread of losing not merely +money but liberty, reputation, and perhaps life as well, he is +correspondingly ready to pay generously for any real or fancied +service on the part of the lawyers. Thus the fees of a criminal +practitioner--when the client has any money--are ridiculously high, +and he usually gets sooner or later all that the client has. +Indeed, there are three golden rules in the profession, of which +the first has already been hinted at--namely, thoroughly terrify +your client. Second, find out how much money he has and where it +is. Third, get it. The merest duffer can usually succeed in +following out the first two of these precepts, but to accomplish +the third requires often a master's art. The ability actually to +get one's hands on the coin is what differentiates the really great +criminal lawyer from his inconspicuous brethren. + +The criminal attorney, therefore, whether he be called to see his +client at the Tombs or in the police station, or is consulted in +his own office, at once informs the latter that he is indeed in a +parlous state. He demonstrates to him conclusively that there +exist but a few steps between him and the gallows, or at least the +State's prison, and that his only hope lies in his procuring at +once sufficient money to--first, get out on bail; second, buy off +the witnesses; third, "fix" the police; fourth, "square" the judge; +and lastly, pay the lawyer. Even where the prisoner has no money +himself, his family are usually ready to do what they can to get +him off, in order to save themselves from the disgrace of being +related to a convict. It is not what may actually happen to your +client, but what he thinks may happen, that makes him ready and +anxious to give up his money. Thus, the more artistic the practitioner +in painting the dire consequences which will result if the family +of the offender does not come to his rescue the quicker and larger +will be the response. Time also is necessary to enable the ancestral +stocking to be grudgingly withdrawn from its hiding-place and its +contents disgorged, or to allow the pathetic representations of +his nearer relatives to work upon the callous heart of old Uncle +John, who once held a city office and has thus plenty of money. +The object of the lawyer being to hang on to the client until he +has got his money, it follows that if the latter is locked up in +jail it is all the better for the lawyer, unless it be expedient +to let him out to raise funds. Thus criminal attorneys are not, +as a rule, particularly anxious to secure the release of a client +from jail. Solitary confinement increases his apprehension and +discomfort and renders him more complacent about paying well for +liberty. The English king who locked up the money-lender and had +one of his teeth drawn out each day until he made the desired loan +knew his business. Once the fellow is out of jail--pfft! He is +gone, and neither the place nor you know him more. Very likely +also he will jump his bail and you will have to make good your +bond. One client in jail is worth two at large. + +Lawyers exercise much invention in keeping their clients under +control. I recall one recent case where a French chauffeur who +had but just arrived in this country was arrested for speeding. +The most that could happen to him would, in the natural course of +events, be a fine of fifteen or twenty dollars. But an imaginative +criminal practitioner got hold of him in the police court and drew +such a highly colored picture of what might happen to him that the +Frenchman stayed in jail without bail under an assumed name, raised +some three hundred dollars by means of a draft on Paris, handed it +over to his counsel, and finally after a delay of two weeks was +tried in Special Sessions, found guilty, and let go on a suspended +sentence. He is now looking for the lawyer with a view to doing +something to him that will inevitably result in his own permanent +incarceration. + +Another practical distinction between civil and criminal practitioners +is that while the first are concerned for the most part with the +law, the second are chiefly occupied with the facts. In civil +cases the lawyers spend most of their time in trying to demonstrate +that, even assuming their opponents' contentions as to the facts +to be true, the law is nevertheless in their own favor. Now, this +is a comparatively easy thing, since no one knows what the law in +most civil cases is--and it truth it might as well be one way as +the other. A noted member of the supreme bench of the United States +is reported to have said that when he was chief justice of one of +the State courts, and he and his confreres found themselves in a +quandary over the law, they were accustomed to send the sergeant- +at-arms for what they called the "implements of decision"--a brace +of dice and a copper cent. Thus the weightiest matters were decided +without difficulty. + +Now, the taking of a purse out of a lady's reticule does not present +much confusion as a legal proposition. It would be somewhat +difficult to persuade a judge or a jury that picking a pocket is +not a crime. It is far easier to demonstrate that the pocket was +not picked at all. This is generally only a question of money. +Witnesses can easily be secured to swear either that the lady had +no reticule, or that if she had a reticule it contained no purse, +or that some person other than the defendant took the purse, or +that she herself dropped it, or that even if the prisoner took it +he had no criminal intent in so doing, since he observed that it +was about to slip from the receptacle in which it was contained +and intended but to return it to her. Lastly, if put to it, that +in fact the owner was _no lady_, and therefore unworthy of credence. + +Few persons realize how difficult it is for an outsider, such as +an ordinary juryman, to decide an issue of fact. A flat denial is +worth a hundred ingenious defences in which the act is admitted +but the attempt is made to explain it away. It is this that gives +the jury so much trouble in criminal cases. For example, in the +case of the pickpocket the lawyers and the judge may know that the +complaining witness is a worthy woman, the respectable mother of +a family, and that the defendant is a rascal. But each comes before +the jury presumably of equal innocence. She says he did, he says +he didn't. The case must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. +Generally the defendant's word, so far as the jury can see, is as +good as his accuser's. If there are other witnesses it is usually +not difficult, and certainly not impossible, to show that they have +poor eyesight, bad memories, or are undesirable citizens in general. +The criminal lawyer learns in his cradle never to admit anything. +By getting constant adjournments he wears out the People's witnesses, +induces others to stay away, and when the case finally comes to +trial has only the naked accusation of the complainant to disprove. +Or, to put it in more technically correct fashion, the complainant +has only his own word wherewith to establish his case beyond a +reasonable doubt. A bold contradiction is often so startling that +it throws confusion into the enemy's camp. + +I once defended a worthy gentleman named Cohen on a charge of +perjury, alleged to have been committed by him in a civil case in +which he, as defendant, denied that he had ever ordered a set of +stable plans from a certain architect. The latter was a young man +of very small practice who had an office but no clerks or draughtsmen. +He certainly believed with the utmost honesty that my client had +come to his office, engaged him to design a stable, and approved +an elaborate set of plans that he had drawn. When it came to paying +for them Mr. Cohen declined. The architect brought suit, and at +the trial swore to the dates and places of the interviews between +Cohen and himself, and to all the surrounding circumstances and +details connected with the execution of the plans in question. +His lawyer expected that the defendant would interpose the defense +that the plans were inferior, defective, or worthless. Not at all! +Mr. Cohen swore that he had never ordered the plans and, in fact, +had _never seen the architect in his life!_ He alleged that until +the suit was brought he had never even _heard_ of him, and that +either the architect was demented or a liar, or else some other +Cohen had given the order. The architect and his lawyer were +thunderstruck, but they had no witnesses to corroborate their +contentions, since no one had ever seen Cohen in the other's office. +The jury disagreed and the architect in some way secured Cohen's +indictment for perjury. But during the criminal trial, at which +I defended him, Mr. Cohen calmly persisted in his denial that he +had ever enjoyed the honor of the architect's acquaintance, and +after two prosecutions, in each of which the jury hopelessly +disagreed, the indictments against him were dismissed. From this +it may easily be inferred that no fact is too patent to be denied. +Frequently the more heroic the denial the greater its verisimilitude +to truth. The jury feel that no prisoner would _deny_ a fact that +it would be much easier to _explain away_--and believe him. + +I once represented an Italian called the King of Mulberry Street, +who was charged with having deliberately shot in the head and killed +a respectable dealer in olive-oil against whom he held no grudge +whatsoever. The King was just an egotistic little man who liked +notoriety and admiration. He was wont to refer to himself simply +as "The Bravest Man," without reference to time or place--just "The +Bravest Man." He was accustomed to demonstrate his bravery by +shooting inoffensive people whenever the idea seized him. He never +killed anybody save quiet and law-abiding fellow citizens who made +no resistance, and the method he selected was to shoot them through +the head. He seemed to feel that it was essential to his dignity +thus to execute at least one human being every six months, and the +extraordinary feature of his history was that he had never been +convicted. + +The case that I was called upon to defend was this: Not having +killed anybody for nearly a year and fearing to jeopardize his dual +title of King of Mulberry Street and The Bravest Man, he put a +forty-four calibre pistol in his pocket, donned his Sunday clothes +and took a walk. The thoroughfare was crowded, the day bright and +fair, the time twelve o'clock noon. Presently the oil merchant +approached and The King, first glancing about him to make sure that +he had a "gallery," went up to him, placed the pistol at his head +and fired. He was immediately arrested and indicted for murder. + +Now, twenty witnesses had seen him fire the fatal shot. Yet there +was not the slightest reason in the world why he should have done +such a thing. Upon the trial my client insisted on simply denying +that he had done anything of the kind. I had naturally assumed +that he would either claim that the shooting had been accidental +or that he had fired in self-defense, after he had first been +attacked by the deceased. But no--he had had no pistol, did not +know the man, and had not killed him. Why should he have killed +him? he inquired. No one could answer the question, least of all +the jury. The twenty witnesses were positive that he had done so, +but he was equally positive that he had not. No one could offer +the slightest explanation of the deed--if it had in fact taken +place. The jury puzzled over the case for hours, at one time, I +am informed, being on the point of acquitting the prisoner for lack +of proof of any motive. They reasoned, with perfect logic, that +it was almost if not quite as improbable that the defendant should +in broad daylight on a public street have shot down a man against +whom he had not the slightest grudge as that twenty commonplace +citizens should be mistaken as to what they had seen. Whether they +were aided in reaching a verdict by "the implements of decision" +I do not know, but in the end they found my client guilty and in +due course he paid the penalty, as many another king has done, upon +the scaffold. The plain fact was that The King was a "bravo," who +took a childish and vain pride in killing people. He killed for +the love of killing, or rather for the egotistic satisfaction of +being talked of as a killer. At any rate, there are many like him. +While his defence was unsuccessful, he came near enough to escaping +to point out the value of a bold denial in a criminal case. + +Our clients consisted, for the most part, of three clearly defined +classes of persons: Criminals, their victims, and persons involved +in marital or quasi-marital difficulties. These last furnished by +far the most interesting quota of our business, and, did not +professional confidence seal my lips, I could recount numerous +entertaining anecdotes concerning some of what are usually regarded +as New York's most respectable, not to say straight-laced, households. +A family skeleton is the criminal lawyer's strongest ally. Once +you can locate him and drag him forth you have but to rattle his +bones ever so little and the paternal bank account is at your mercy. +New York is prolific of skeletons of this generic character, and +Gottlieb had a magnificent collection. When naught else was doing +we used to stir them up and revive business. Over this feature of +the firm's activities I feel obliged, however, from a natural +feeling of delicacy, to draw a veil. Our function usually consisted +in offering to see to it that a certain proposed action, based on +certain injudicious letters, should be discontinued upon the payment +of a certain specified sum of money. These sums ranged in amount +from five to twenty thousand dollars, of which we retained only +one-half. I understand that some lawyers make more than this +percentage, but for such I have only contempt. A member of a +learned and honorable profession should be scrupulous in his conduct, +and to keep for one's self more than half the money recovered for +a client seems to me to be bordering on the unethical. But perhaps +I am hypersqueamish. + +Of course we had a great deal of the ordinary "knock-down-and-drag- +out" variety of assault, robbery, theft, and homicide cases. Most +of these our clerks attended to, but the murder cases Gottlieb +defended in person, and in this he was so singularly successful +that there was hardly a celebrated trial in which he was not retained +in some capacity or other. For he was an adept in all those little +arts that make a jury feel well disposed toward a lawyer, and as +a word artist he was unsurpassed. Gottlieb could, I believe, have +wrung tears from a lump of pig iron, and his own capacity to open +the floodgates of emotion was phenomenal. He had that rare and +priceless gift shared by some members of the theatrical profession +of being able to shed real tears at will. His sobs and groans were +truly heart-rending. This, as might be expected, rendered him +peculiarly telling in his appeals to the jury, and he could frequently +set the entire panel snivelling and wiping their eyes as he pictured +the deserted home, the grief-stricken wife, and the starving children +of the man whom they were asked to convict. These unfortunate +wives and children were an important scenic feature in our defence, +and if the prisoner was unmarried Gottlieb had little difficulty +in supplying the omission due to such improvidence. Some buxom +young woman with a child at the breast and another toddling by her +side could generally be induced to come to court for a few hours +for as many dollars. They were always seated beside the prisoner, +but Gottlieb was scrupulous to avoid any statement that they +_belonged_ to the client. If the jury chose to _infer_ as much +that was not our fault. It was magnificent to hear (from the wings) +Gottlieb sum up a case, his hand, in which was concealed a pin, +caressing the youngest little one. + +"Think, gentlemen, of the responsibility that rests upon you in +rendering this woman a widow and depriving this poor innocent babe +of a father's protecting love!" + +Here Gottlieb would hiccough out a sob, sprinkle a few tears upon +the counsel table, and gently thrust the pin into the infant's +anatomy. Sob from Gottlieb--opportune wail from the baby. Verdict +--not guilty. + +There was a certain class of confidence men for whom we soon became +the regular attorneys. They were a perennial source of delight as +well as profit, and much of my time was given up to the drafting +of circulars and advertisements for the sale of stock in such form +that, whereas they contained no actual misstatement of an existing +fact, they nevertheless were calculated to stimulate in the most +casual reader an irresistible desire to sell all that he had and +invest therein. + +Originally the dealers in valueless securities did not take the +trouble to purchase any properties but merely sold their stock and +decamped with the proceeds. Of course such conduct was most ill- +advised and unnecessary. It was obviously criminal to sell stock +in a concern that has no existence, and several of my clients having +been convicted of grand larceny, for this reason I took it upon +myself to advise the others actually to purchase lands, mines, or +other property and issue their stock against it. In this way their +business became absolutely legitimate--as strictly honest and within +the law as any of the stock-jobbing concerns of the financial +district. To be sure, the mine need not be more than the mere +beginning of a shaft, if even that; the oil-well might have ceased +to flow; the timber land might be only an acre or so in extent; +but at any rate they existed. Their value was immaterial, since +the intending purchaser was not informed in the advertisement as +to the amount of gold, silver, or copper mined in any specific +period, the number of gallons of oil per minute that flowed from +the well, or the precise locality of the timber forests, but merely +as to the glorious future in store for all who subscribed for the +stock. + +This vital distinction has always existed in civil as well as +criminal law between what is fraud and what is legitimate encouragement +to the buyer. To tell the prospective vendee of your old gray mare +that she is the finest horse in the county is not fraud even if +she is the veriest scarecrow, for it merely represents your opinion +--perhaps colored in part by your desire to sell--and is not a +matter of demonstrable fact. To assure him, however, that she has +never run away, had blind staggers, or spring halt, when these +assertions are not true, is "a false statement as to a past or +existing fact," and as such constitutes a fraud--if he buys your +horse. + +Now, it frequently has happened in my experience that gentlemen +desiring to find purchasers for securities or property of little +value have so carelessly mingled statements of fact with opinions, +laudations, and prophecies as to their goods, that juries have said +that they were guilty of fraud in so doing. Thus the lawyer becomes +at every turn indispensable to the business man. The following +circular was drawn up for one of our clients and is an excellent +example of a perfectly harmless and legal advertisement that might +easily become fraudulent. We will suppose that the corporation +owned one-quarter of an acre of wood lot about ten miles from a +region where copper was being mined. + +"SAWHIDE COPPERS +"YOUR LAST CHANCE TO BUY THIS STOCK AT PRESENT FIGURES! +"The company's lands are located near the heart of the copper +district, not far from properties now paying from forty to sixty +per cent. a year. There is no reason in the world why Sawhide +should not do as well if not better. With immense quantities of +ore just beneath the surface, when our new smelter is completed +Sawhide will undoubtedly prove one of the best dividend payers in +the country! As the Buggenheims and other well-known financiers +are largely interested in the stock, it is only a question of time +before it will be marked up out of sight. The properties have +great surface value and are rolling in timber and mineral wealth." + +This is a fair example of a perfectly safe variety of advertisement +that does not commit the author to anything. As long as there is +a piece of land somewhere and an actual incorporated company the +stock of which, however valueless, is being offered for sale, the +mere fact that the writer indulges himself in rosy prophecies does +not endanger him so far as the criminal law is concerned. It is +only when he foolishly--and usually quite as unconsciously--makes +some definite allegation, such as, for instance, that the company +"owns six hundred acres of fully developed mining property," or +has "a smelter in actual operation on the ground," or "has earned +sixty-five per cent. on its capital in the past year," that the +financier runs the slightest risk. It may be that a purchaser +would find it so difficult to prove the falsity of any of the +statements upon which he had relied in purchasing the stock that +the vendor would practically be immune, but in these days of muck- +raking and of an hysterical public conscience prosecutors sometimes +go to the most absurd lengths and spend ridiculous sums of money +out of the county treasuries to send promoters to jail. + +They are apt to have a hard time of it, however. I recall one +scheme in which a client of mine was interested, involving the +floatation of about a hundred thousand dollars' worth of railroad +stock. The circulars, printed by a famous engraver and stationer, +were twenty pages in length and contained the minutest description +of the company's board of directors, rolling stock, capitalization, +bond issues, interests in other railroads, government grants of +land, and the like. They were embellished with beautiful photographs +of deep cuts, suspension-bridges, snow-sheds, railroad-yards, and +round-houses. The promoter did a mail-order business and sold the +stock by the bagful to elevator men, trained nurses, policemen, +porters, clerks, and servant girls. + +After he had salted away about forty thousand dollars some of the +purchasers began to get anxious about their dividends. None were +forthcoming, and as the promoter was inclined to be indefinite as +to future prospects he was presently arrested. But when the case +came to trial I pointed out a fact that, strange as it may seem, +practically no one of the multitude of stockholders had previously +noticed, namely, that the circulars made no actual statement _as +to where the railroad was located_. By inference it might well +have been supposed to be somewhere in Canada, but there was no such +fact clearly alleged. Of course it was impossible for the prosecutor +to prove that my client did not own a railroad _somewhere_ in the +world and the indictment had to be dismissed. Negations are +extremely hard to establish, and therein lies the promoter's safety. +If he sticks to generalizations, no matter how they glitter, he is +immune. Had my railroad promoter inserted a single word descriptive +of the location of his franchise or his terminals he would now be +in Sing Sing instead of owning a steam yacht and spending his +winters in Florida. + +From the foregoing the reader will observe that the first-class +criminal lawyer by no means devotes his time to defending mere +burglars and "strong-arm" men. The elite of the profession do as +gilt-edged an office practice as the most dignified corporation +attorneys. Indeed, in many respects their work is strictly +identical. + + +CHAPTER V + +The firm of Gottlieb & Quibble had not been long established before +--quite by chance--a new vista of opportunity opened before us. +My partner had a wretched client who, not unlike many others, would +go to more pains and trouble to steal a dollar than it would have +taken him to earn twenty. This, I have noticed, is a general +peculiarity of lawbreakers. The man's name was McDuff and my +partner had defended him on several occasions and had got him off, +with the result that he was always hanging about the office and +asking if this and that were "within the law." One fine day he +was arrested on the charge of having obtained money by false premises +in an unique manner. + +It appeared that he had learned through a certain bar-tender that +one Jones, a patron of the place, had but recently come into a +legacy of a couple of hundred dollars and, in connection therewith, +had imbibed so freely that he had become involved in a fist fight +with a gentleman by the name of Holahan and had done the latter +considerable facial damage. McDuff pondered upon these facts for +some time over his beer and then set out to find Jones--not a +difficult task, as the legatee was making a round of all the near- +by saloons and endeavoring to drink up his good fortune as rapidly +as possible. Overtaking him in a side street McDuff grasped him +roughly by the shoulder. + +"Look here, Jones," says he, pretending to be an officer; "I have +a warrant for your arrest for committing a battery upon Thomas +Holahan. You must come along with me to the station-house." + +"What! For me!" cries Jones in an agony of dismay. "Sure, I did +nothing to the man. You're not going to lock me up for that!" + +"It's my unpleasant duty," answers McDuff. "An officer has no +choice in the matter. You must step along." + +"Come, come!" replies Jones, pulling his money from his pocket. +"Here's a hundred and fifty dollars. Say you couldn't find me!" + +"I would be taking a great risk," responds the supposed officer. +"Have you no more than that?" + +"I have my gold watch and chain," returned Jones. "You can have +them and welcome--only let me go!" + +The bargain was struck then and there and the transfer from Jones' +pockets to those of McDuff effected. Unfortunately, however, Jones +next day discovered that Holahan harbored no ill-will against him +and that the supposed officer was nothing of the kind. Rising in +his wrath, he in turn procured a warrant for McDuff and caused his +arrest and indictment. The trial came off and despite Gottlieb's +best efforts his client was convicted by the jury of stealing Jones' +watch, chain, and money by falsely representing himself to be an +officer of the law. The case went on appeal to the Supreme Court, +which affirmed the conviction, and there seemed no escape for McDuff +from a term in prison. + +One evening Gottlieb and I got talking about the case among other +things. + +"How is it," said I, "that the criminal law will step in and give +a man back his money when, under precisely the same circumstances, +the civil law will let him whistle?" + +"What mean you by that?" asked my partner. + +"Why," answered I, "the civil law will not settle disputes between +thieves, it will not enforce an equitable division of stolen +property, and it will not compel rogues to keep a dishonest contract +between themselves. Now this fellow, Jones, it seems to me, was +almost as bad as your friend McDuff. He tried to induce a man he +thought was a sworn officer of the law to violate his oath and +disregard his duty. Why should the criminal law do anything for +him? Why should it hand him back his money as if he were an innocent +and honest man?" + +"It is an ingenious argument," replied Gottlieb, scratching his +ear; "and yet it is poppycock for all that. The criminal law is +to punish criminals. According to your reasoning, two wrongs would +make a right and two thieves one honest man. Would you let McDuff +go unpunished simply because he was clever enough to induce Jones +to try to break the law as well as himself? Why, any judge would +laugh you out of court on such a proposition." + +"But," I retorted, "surely, if I gave you a hundred dollars for +the purpose of bribing a judge and you failed to accomplish your +purpose, no court would assist me to recover the money. 'Twould +be against public policy and _contra bonos mores_." + +"Even so," answered my partner, "would it not be more _contra bonos +mores_ to let a thief go unpunished, once he had been arrested? +Take my word, Quib, there's nothing in it," insisted Gottlieb +warmly. "For instance, there is the crime against usury--a very +foolish law to be sure, but there it is. No one can commit usury +unless some one else participates in the offense by paying the +unlawful interest; but the usurer does not escape on that account. +Why, then, should the false pretender in our case?" + +"I admit the force of your analogy," said I, "and I could easily +suggest others myself. Bribery, for instance; extortion and many +other offences, where the law does not refrain from punishing the +one because the other is equally guilty. But the cases differ in +that, in bribery, the briber is seeking to influence the acts of +an official; and, in extortion, the law imputes an element of force +which is supposed to overcome the will of the person paying the +money. I am not so clear on your usury. Still, I believe there +is a fighting chance to win the case on my theory." + +"If you think so," grumbled Gottlieb, "you had better argue it +yourself before the Court of Appeals." + +"Very well," said I. "Nothing will give me greater pleasure." + +It was with some trepidation, however, that I went to Albany to +argue, before so august a body of judges, a proposition of law that +had in reality so little to commend it; particularly as I was +opposed in person by the district attorney of New York County--a +man of great learning and power of sarcasm. However, I found the +Court of Appeals much interested in my argument and had the pleasure +of hearing them put many puzzling questions to my opponent, in +answering which he was not always altogether successful. + +Pending the opinion of the Court, which was not handed down for +several months, an incident occurred in our practice that may serve +to amuse the reader if not to illustrate the dangers of ignorance. +We were engaged in a litigation in the United States District Court, +where the subpoenas for the witnesses are issued by the clerk to +the deputy marshals for service. Our opponent in the case was a +testy old member of the bar over sixty years of age and of the very +highest respectability and standing, who had several times refused +elevation to the bench and was regarded as the personification of +dignity and learning. Unfortunately his appearance belied his +position, for he was almost totally bald and his face was as weazened +and wrinkled as that of a monkey. + +It so happened that we desired to have in court the following day +certain papers that were in his possession; and, in order that we +might be in a position to introduce copies of them in case he failed +to produce the originals, we secured what is called a _duces tecum_ +subpoena for him--that is to say, a subpoena directing him to bring +with him--_duces tecum_--"bring with you"--the papers in question. +There had recently been appointed as a deputy marshal a very honest +and enthusiastic, but exceedingly ignorant Irishman named Hennessey, +who, prior to his advent into officialdom, had been employed at +heaving coal at a dollar and eighty cents a day. The clerk called +him into his office and handed to him our subpoena. + +"Mike," he said, "here is a subpoena for Winthrop Van Rennsellaer" +--our worthy opponent. "It is a _duces tecum_. Understand?" + +"Shure, I do!" answered Mike, wiping his mouth with the back of +his hand and taking the paper; for, though he had no idea of what +_duces tecum_ meant, he had no intention of disclosing the fact. + +"It's important," continued the clerk. "Be sure and attend to the +matter at once." + +"Lave that to me!" Mike assured him. + +"Don't forget that it's a _duces tecum_," admonished the clerk as +Mike passed out of the door. + +"Not on yer life!" replied the newly appointed deputy. + +Outside, he found a fellow deputy, also newly appointed. + +"Pat," said Mike, holding out the subpoena, "phat is the meanin' +o' thim two wurrds?" + +His friend carefully examined the paper. + +"'_Duces tecum_'," he repeated thoughtfully. "'_Dooces taycum_.' +They be Latin words meanin' 'take him alive or dead.'" + +"Thanks," said Mike. "Trust me!" + +And he started forthwith for Wall Street, where Mr. Winthrop Van +Rennsellaer's office was located. Having ascertained by inquiry +that his quarry was in, Mike pushed by the clerks and scriveners +in the outer offices and armed with the majesty of the law, boldly +forced his way into the lawyer's sanctum. Marching up to him, he +demanded in a loud voice: + +"Are you Van Rennsellaer?" + +The lawyer, exceedingly astonished, replied, with what dignity he +was able to assume under the circumstances; + +"I am Mister Winthrop Van Rennsellaer." + +"Come wid me!" ordered Mike. + +"I shall do nothing of the kind!" retorted the lawyer, getting red +in the face. + +"Y' won't, eh?" exclaimed the deputy; and, grasping Mr. Winthrop +Van Rennsellaer by his linen collar, he yanked him out of his chair +and, to the horror of the servile supernumeraries in the lawyer's +employ, dragged that eminent member of the bar through his own +offices, down the stairs, and into the street. + +The lawyer protested loudly at the indignities to which he was +being subjected and a large crowd gathered, which for the time +being blocked Broadway. Mike, confident that he had the authority +of the United States Government behind him, exhibited his badge, +called upon the police to assist him in the exercise of his duty +and proceeded triumphantly to march Mr. Winthrop Van Rennsellaer, +hatless, up the street at the head of a large and enthusiastic +procession of interested citizens. From time to time Mike would +turn and call upon the crowd to disperse, at the same time announcing +in a loud voice that he had arrested his prisoner by an order of +the Government to take him alive or dead. + +By this time the lawyer's little round head was glowing a bright +red and his legs almost refused to carry him. Once they had arrived +at the Post-office Building the mistake was quickly discovered and +Mr. Van Rennsellaer was set at liberty; but each and every United +States judge had to descend in his robes from the bench and implore +his pardon before the furious little lawyer would consent to call +a cab and return to his office. + +I understand that he always believed that the whole thing was a +trick of Gottlieb's to humiliate him; and, indeed, some members of +the bar have suspected me of the same thing--entirely without +justification, of course. During the rest of his exceedingly +distinguished career one had only to mention the words _duces tecum_ +in the presence of Mr. Winthrop Van Rennsellaer to deprive him instantly +of his composure; in fact, for a long time he abandoned appearing +in court and contented himself with nursing his dignity in his +office. I should add that the incident so affected his confidence +the next day in court that we won our case without difficulty. + +But to return to the unfortunate McDuff. To my great astonishment +and still more so to that of my partner the Court of Appeals handed +down an opinion sustaining my contention and holding his client's +conviction to be illegal. That night Gottlieb and I, sitting in +his office, shook our sides with laughter at the idea of having +hoodwinked the greatest court in the State into a solemn opinion +that a rogue should not be punished if at the same time he could +persuade his victim to try to be a rogue also! But there it was +in cold print. They had followed my reasoning absolutely and even +adopted as their own some of the language used in my brief. Does +any one of my readers doubt me, let him read the report of a like +case in the forty-sixth volume of the reports of the Court of +Appeals of New York, at page four hundred and seventy. + +Said the Court: "The prosecutor"--Jones--"parted with his property +as an inducement to a supposed officer to violate the law and his +duties; and if in attempting to do this he has been defrauded the +law will not punish his confederate, although such confederate may +have been instrumental in inducing the commission of the offence. +Neither the law nor public policy designs the protection of rogues +in their dealings with each other, or to insure fair dealing and +truthfulness, as between each other, in their dishonest practices." +(This sentence had been in my brief.) "The design of the law is +to protect those who, for some _honest_ purpose, are induced upon +false and fraudulent representations to give credit or part with +their property to another, and not to protect those who, for +_unworthy_ or illegal purposes, part with their goods." + +"Why, Quib," quoth Gottlieb, "you are the discoverer of a new legal +principle. You will inaugurate a new field of human activity. +Generations yet unborn will profit by your ingenuity. From now on +every rascal in the land will set his wits to work trying to bring +his schemes within the scope of this beneficent opinion." + +"Indeed," I replied, "however fine it may be for McDuff, I can +easily see that I have unloosed as many troubles as ever flew out +of Pandora's Box." + +"Yes--but to our profit," he retorted, with a grin. "Don't forget +that. The inventors will all come flocking straight to us to get +them out of their difficulties--you may be sure of it!" + +"'Tis extraordinary," I said, "what a multitude of opportunities +this new principle enunciated by the Court of Appeals affords to +a man of an inventive turn of mind. As I take it, all one has to +do is to induce another man to part with his money in the belief +that he is going to take a sharp advantage of some one else. For +example, let us suppose that I go to some person and falsely tell +him that I have a client serving a term in Sing Sing for burglary +who has confided to me the whereabouts of the secret hiding-place +of his loot. All that is necessary is some one to put up sufficient +money to cover the expense of transportation and excavation--and +it can be divided between us. For this purpose he intrusts me with +several hundred dollars, with which I make off. I have stolen the +money fast enough, but I can never be punished for it." + +"Exactly!" exclaimed my partner. "And here is another idea that +is well calculated to appeal to almost anybody. It has just occurred +to me quite involuntarily while you were speaking. Many of our +clients want to know if they cannot send the judge, who is trying +the case, a present of some sort, or maybe loan him a little money; +and it is always distressing to be obliged to tell them--usually-- +that it is quite out of the question; that it would only get them +into trouble. Of course, occasionally we let them send the judge +a box of cigars, _but always with the compliments of our adversary +--never our own_. Now this shows how readily persons who are mixed +up in lawsuits or other difficulties would be ready to put up their +money if they supposed the judge were going to get it. All you +need is some unscrupulous fellow to go up to one of our clients +and mention the fact that he is the judge's brother-in-law and is +in dearth of ready money. Can't you see the client digging up the +needful? He'd be stuffing it down our friend's pockets before he +got through speaking; and the whole thing could be done quite +openly, you observe, because, even if the client found out later +that he had made a mistake, the law would not help him." + +"An excellent illustration," I answered, "of the uses to which a +legal decision may be put." + +"Indeed, though," continued Gottlieb, "the scheme need by no means +by as raw as all that. It is enough if there be merely an _immoral_ +or _improper_ motive that induces the victim to part with his money. +For example, if he but thinks that he can do a sharp trick to some +one else. Let us suppose that I pretend to have secret information +to the effect that certain property is really much more valuable +than the owner supposes it to be. I propose to another that--if +he will put up the money for that purpose--we shall buy the property, +leading the owner to suppose he is getting full value for it. Now, +if, to induce the latter to make the sale, it is agreed between us +that we make false or misleading statements as to the real value +of the property I do not see but that I would be perfectly safe." + +"Safe?" I queried. "I don't understand. You would have bought +the property, that is all." + +"My dear Quib," returned my partner, "you seem singularly dull this +evening for one of your brilliant parts. The point is that the +property really isn't worth anything. I am in cahoots with the +man who sells it; and we divide even!" + +"Yes," I answered; "a dozen similar schemes could be worked like +that." + +"A dozen!" cried Gottlieb, bounding enthusiastically out of his +chair and commencing to stalk up and down the room. "A hundred! +Why, there are endless ways in which it can be worked--and I know +the man to work them too!" + +"Eh!" I exclaimed. + +"I mean, who will undoubtedly avail himself of some of them," he +corrected himself. "Take this case: It is a crime under the law +to give back or rebate part of the premium on a life insurance +policy. Now many a man could be induced to insure his life if he +could get back the first year's premium. All you have got to do +is to tell him that you are an insurance agent and will give it +back--and then put the money in your own pocket, for he will have +given you the premium for an illegal purpose--that is to say, with +the idea of having it paid back to him contrary to law. Under the +decision he will have no chance to get you arrested." + +"Never say that you are not a man of ingenuity yourself," said I. + +I bade my partner good-night and walked slowly homeward meditating +upon the wonders of the law, but totally unconscious of what a +harvest was to be reaped from the seed I had sown so innocently. + +It was but a short time after this that, happening to enter the +office somewhat unexpectedly one evening, I discovered Gottlieb in +animated conversation with a stockily built man of about forty +years of age, whose coal-black hair--by far his most conspicuous +feature--had been suffered to grow quite long and was parted evenly +in the middle, so that it gave him somewhat the appearance of the +hooded seal that was then on exhibition at P. T. Barnum's museum. +He had a good-humored face, jet-black eyes, and a familiar, easy +way with him that put one on a friendly footing at once. + +"Hello! Quib!" exclaimed my partner. "I want you to meet my +friend, Charlie Billington." + +"Delighted to meet you, Mister Quibble," cried the stranger, grasping +my hand. "Our friend Gottlieb knows me almost better than I know +myself--eh, Gottie? Between us we have turned many a trick." + +"You mean that I have pulled you out of many a bad hole," retorted +Gottlieb. + +"As you please," answered Billington good-temperedly. "But in any +event you are a splendid fellow at all times--and especially in +times of need." + +"May I inquire your business, Mr. Billington?" I asked, curious to +identify my new acquaintance. + +Billington winked at Gottlieb. + +"How would you describe it, Mr. Lawyer?" said he. + +Gottlieb laughed and shifted his cigar. + +"Our friend Charlie lives by his brains," he replied. "He is an +inventor, a promoter, an artist. He has earned many a small fortune +by the simple use of a postage stamp. He can extract gold from +seawater or silver from pineapples. Incidentally, he is of a +scientific turn of mind and can rattle off the Morse alphabet as +deftly as any operator in the business. Occasionally he has, in +the interest of finance, tapped a wire." + +"Tapped a wire!" Instantly I regarded Billington with a new +interest. So at last I had met one of those famous gentry of whom +I had so often heard! + +"Never again, I fancy!" laughed Charlie. "My friend, you have +saved a lot of poor devils a deal of trouble. From this time on +none of us will ever need to tap wires. After this we shall only +_pretend_ to tap 'em." + +"How so?" I inquired, dropping into a near-by chair. + +"Why, under the new law," responded Billington--"the law of which, +I may say, you are the creator--we shall only have to induce some +innocent countryman to believe that he has heard the result of a +horse-race being sent over the wire in advance of the pool rooms, +and persuade him to turn over his roll for the purpose of betting +it on a horse that is presumably already cooling off in the paddock +and we can keep his money, for he has parted with it for an illegal +or an inimical purpose--to wit, cheating the bookies." + +"Not with my sanction!" I retorted, somewhat aghast at the idea of +having paved a broad and easy path for the way of criminals. + +"Tut, tut, Quib!" said Gottlieb. "You have nothing to do with what +use our friend here sees fit to put your law to. I have never yet +advised any man how to do an illegal thing. The most I have ever +done has been to show some of my clients how to do in a perfectly +legal manner that which had heretofore been unlawful." + +"Yea, Gottlieb," remarked Billington. "And many things that before +were accounted faults have now, thanks to you, become virtues." + +After Billington bade us good-night, Gottlieb said to me: + +"Quib, the more I think of it, the more astonishing is the result +of this new doctrine of yours that has been sanctified by the Court +of Appeals. I do not for the life of me see how a seller of 'green +goods' can be prosecuted. The countryman comes to the city for +the purpose of buying counterfeit money at a ridiculously low +figure. He puts up his money and gets a package of blank paper +with a genuine one-dollar bill on top of it. What good will it do +him to appeal to the police? Has he not parted with his money +avowedly for a most wicked purpose--that of uttering counterfeit +bills?" + +"I quite agree with you," I answered. "There seems to be no escape +from your result; and I, for one, do not see what is to prevent +New York from becoming the Mecca of all the thieves and rogues in +the country." + +And such, indeed, it became. From this time on, until very recently, +the metropolis was the stamping ground of all the rogues who could +not earn a dishonest living elsewhere. With our friend Charles as +their sponsor, there sprang into being herds of "sick engineers," +fake "wire-tappers," "green-goods" swindlers, and confidence men +of all sorts, who flourished safely under the protection of the +decision of the Court of Appeals in McDuff's case. + +It was but shortly after this that one of Billington's friends +found himself in the toils of the police for having pretended to +sell a package of "green goods" to a yokel from the rural part of +the State. Charlie at once engaged me to defend him, asserting +that as I was responsible for the law it was my duty to apply it +for the benefit of our clients. So once again I entered the arena +in behalf of a principle that at heart I believed to be vicious +and even absurd, and once again, to my surprise and the delight of +my new clients, I triumphed. The Appellate Division reversed the +conviction that had followed the arrest and discharged the prisoner, +asserting that there was no longer any authority for holding him +if the McDuff case was to be taken as law. + +Thus it was, by such unconscious steps, that I, the only son of a +clergyman, found myself--willy-nilly--a leader of the criminal bar. +Yet at no time during my career would I have exchanged places with +my honored parent or even with Mr. Tuckerman Toddleham, of Barristers' +Hall, Boston. + + +CHAPTER VI + +As I jot down these random reminiscences I am impressed in a singular +fashion with the fact that my career consisted entirely in the +making, or rather getting, of money and the spending of it. I had +no particular professional ambitions and never but once sought +distinction as a constitutional lawyer; and, however unworthy of +an officer of the court such a confession may be, I am quite ready +to admit that a seat upon the bench would have afforded me neither +amusement nor sufficient compensation to satisfy my desires. Let +other men find their gratification and emolument in the supposed +honor of wearing the ermine! I have never found that a judge became +any the less an erring human being after his elevation to the dais, +and I could rake out of one good semi-criminal case twice the salary +of any judge on the supreme bench. What is popularly regarded as +respectability is oft-times in reality--if the truth were known-- +merely stodginess and stupidity. + +I am compelled to admit that in my early days, before I had formed +my affiliation with Gottlieb, I had different ambitions, although +they were none the less worldly. Then I wanted to be a judge +because I supposed a judge was the king-pin of the profession. +Now, as Pat Flanagan says, "I know different." The judge is apt +to be no less a tool of the boss than any other public officer +elected by the suffrages of a political party. He is merely less +obviously so. There are a few men in Wall Street who can press a +button and call for almost any judge they want--and he will come-- +and adjourn court if necessary to do so--with his silk hat in his +hands. And if any young aspirant for legal honors who reads these +fugitive memoirs believes that the road to the supreme bench leads +_via_ Blackstone, and is lighted by the midnight oil of study, let +him disabuse himself of that idea, but seek rather the district +leader; and let him make himself useful in getting the boys that +are in trouble out of it. Under our elective system there is no +more honor in being a judge than in being a sheriff or a hog-reeve; +but, when one is young--and perhaps starving--it may seem otherwise. + +If any of my lay readers believe that the practice of the law is +a path of dalliance, let him but hazard his fortunes for a brief +space on the good ship Jurisprudence--he will find the voyage +tedious beyond endurance, the ship's company but indifferent in +character and the rations scanty. I make no doubt but that it is +harder to earn an honest living at the law than by any other means +of livelihood. Once one discovers this he must perforce choose +whether he will remain a galley slave for life or hoist the Jolly +Roger and turn freebooter, with a chance of dangling betimes from +his own yard-arm. + +Many a man has literally starved at the law. And most of the +profession nearly do so; while some, by merest luck, have managed +to struggle on until they stumbled upon some professional gold +mine. I have heard many stories of how some young men managed to +pull success out of disaster when the odds seemed overwhelming. +One which has particularly appealed to me I shall call the anecdote +of The Most Capable Young Lawyer in New York. + +Some years ago there came to the great city a young fellow who had +always lived in a country town where the neighbors were all such +good friends that they never went to law. He was able and industrious, +but in his native place found it almost impossible to earn a living; +and when by chance he met a well-known and prosperous attorney from +New York who advised him to seek his fortune in the whirlpool rather +than in the back eddies of life, he decided to follow the +suggestion. + +"I will endeavor to throw you something from time to time," said +the prosperous lawyer, for it made him feel his own success to see +such a poor young man and it tickled his vitals into benignity. + +The country boy sold all his possessions for a few hundred dollars +and came to New York. His friend was very kind in his manner and +prolific of advice, but, unfortunately, he had no room in his own +office for a junior or even an errand-boy. So Peters, for that +was the young man's name, dragged himself up and down the city +trying to find an opening, no matter how small. He was too old to +begin as a clerk and too much of a bumpkin for anything else, and +he found that nobody had any use for a young man of his particular +type and training. At last, in despair, he hired desk-room in an +office, shared jointly by half a dozen young men like himself, and +waited for something to turn up; but nothing came. His bank account +fell lower and lower, and he became more and more shabby. Moreover, +he was eating his heart out with disappointment, for he could not +return to his native town and confess himself a failure. + +From time to time he would drop into his prosperous friend's offices, +but the latter never had anything to turn over to him and he would +return dejectedly to his own solitary desk. At last he was forced +to give up lunch and get along as best he could on two scanty meals +a day; he grew thin and haggard, his Adam's apple projected redly +above a frayed collar, his trousers grew wrinkled and shiny, and +he looked ready to take his place in the "bread line." Finally he +spent his last cent on a pretzel and made ready to "turn in his +checks." + +At this point Peters paid a last visit to his friend, who was +visibly shocked at his emaciated appearance, for his eyes burned +with the fever of starvation and his jaw was set in a pitiful +determination to keep going until he dropped. + +"Mr. Banks," said he grimly, "unless you give me something to do +I'll go under. The fact is, I'm starving!" + +Mr. Banks look at him critically. + +"Pretty near ready to give up, eh?" he remarked. "Better chuck it +and go back! I guess I was wrong when I told you to come down +here." + +"Not yet," answered Peters doggedly. "When I go back it'll be in +a wooden box." + +"Well," replied Mr. Banks, "I'm sorry; but there isn't a thing in +the office I can give you." He pondered a minute. "I've got a +lot of old judgments against a fellow named Rosenheim--in the cigar +business, but he's no good--judgment proof--and they aren't worth +the paper they're written on." + +"Give them to me!" almost shouted Peters. + +Mr. Banks laughed. + +"You can have ninety per cent. of all you collect," said he as he +bent over and, pulling out a lower drawer, removed a bundle of +soiled documents. "Here they are. My blessing to you!" + +Peters grabbed the transcripts and staggered down the stairs. It +took him less than ten minutes to find Mr. Simon Rosenheim, who +was sitting inside a brass fence at a mahogany desk, smoking one +of the best of his own cigars. + +"Mr. Rosenheim," said Peters, "I have some judgments here against +you, amounting to about three thousand dollars." + +"Yes?" remarked Rosenheim politely. + +"Can you let me have the money?" inquired Peters. + +"My dear fellow," retorted Rosenheim, with an oily sneer, "I owe +the money all right, but I don't own a thing in the world. Everything +in this room belongs to my wife. The amount of money I owe is +really something shocking. Even what is in the safe"--he nodded +to a large affair on the other side of the room--"belongs to somebody +else." + +Rosenheim had been through this same performance hundreds of times +before, but not with the same denouement. + +Suddenly he saw a lean young man, with hollow cheeks and blazing +eyes, leap over the brass railing. In another instant horny hands +grasped him firmly by the windpipe and a voice hissed in his ear: + +"Pay me those judgments or I'll strangle you here and now!" + +With bursting veins and protruding tongue he struggled helplessly +to escape as his assailant dragged him toward the safe. + +"I mean what I say!" half shrieked Peters. "I'm starving! I'd as +lief die one way as another; but before I die you'll pay up those +judgments--every cent!" + +Rosenheim was on his knees now before the safe, his eyes starting +from his head. + +"Open the safe!" commanded Peters. + +Rosenheim, the sweat of death on his brow, fumbled with the +combination; the tumbler caught, the door swung open. Peters lifted +his captive enough to permit him to reach in and take out the bills. + +"Count 'em out!" he ordered. + +Rosenheim did as he was told, shaking with fear. Peters stuffed +the money into his pocket. + +"Now do your damdest!" he shouted. "I've had one piece of law +business before I died. Good afternoon!" + +Rosenheim crawled back to his desk, relit his cigar and endeavored +to pull himself together. He had a half-scared, half-puzzled look +on his face and once in awhile he scratched his head. + +Meantime Peters repaired to the nearest hotel and ordered a dinner +of steak and fried potatoes, washed down with a pint of champagne. +He then purchased a new suit of clothes, a box of collars, a few +shirts, and a hat. When he entered Mr. Banks' office an hour later +the latter with difficulty recognized his visitor. + +"I owe you three hundred dollars, I believe," remarked Peters, +laying down the bills. + +"Owe--me--What? You didn't get that money out of Rosenheim?" +stammered Banks. + +"Why not?" asked Peters casually. "Of course I did. Every cent +of it." + +Banks looked at him in utter amazement. He, too, scratched his +head. + +"Say," he suddenly exploded, "you must be quite a feller! Now, +look here, I've got a claim against the Pennsylvania and Susquehanna +Terminal Company for two million dollars that I wish you'd come in +and give me a little help on. What do you say?" + +Peters hesitated and pursed his lips. + +"Oh, I don't mind if I do," said he carelessly. + +You may have heard of the celebrated law firm of Banks & Peters-- +who do a business of about four hundred thousand a year? Well, +that is Peters. Banks says he's "the ablest young lawyer in New +York." + +Peters, however, does not deserve the same credit as another young +fellow of my acquaintance, since in Peters' case necessity was the +parent of his invention; whereas in the other the scheme that led +to success was the offspring of an ingenuity that needed no starvation +to stimulate it into activity. + +Baldwin was a youth of about thirty, who had done pretty well at +the bar without giving any evidence of brilliancy and only moderate +financial success. He perceived the obvious fact that the way to +make money at the law is to have money-makers for clients, but he +had no acquaintances with financiers and had no reason to advance +to himself why he should ever hope to receive any business from +such. Reading one day that a certain young attorney he knew had +received a large retainer for bringing an injunction in an important +railroad matter, it occurred to him that, after all, it was merely +chance and nothing else that had sent the business to the other +instead of to himself. "If I'd only known Morgan H. Rogers I might +have had the job myself," thought he. + +So he pondered deeply over how he could get to know Mr. Morgan H. +Rogers and at last conceived the idea of pretending that he had +a client who--without disclosing his name for the time being-- +desired to create a trust for the benefit of a charity in which +the railroad magnate was much interested. With this excuse he +found no difficulty in securing an interview and making an agreeable +impression. The next step was more difficult. + +Finally, having learned through a clerk in the banker's office with +whom he had cultivated an acquaintance that Mr. Morgan H. Rogers +was going to Boston at a certain hour that very afternoon, he donned +his best funeral suit and boarded the same train himself. As he +passed through the drawing-room car he bowed to the great man, who +returned his greeting with the shortness characteristic of him, +and passed on to the smoker, where he ensconced himself in a chair +near the door, depositing on the seat next to him a pile of magazines +and his coat. Half an hour passed and the car filled up, save for +the seat next the young lawyer. Presently the bulky form of Morgan +H. Rogers filled the door-way. He already had a black unlit cigar +in his mouth and he scanned the rows of seats with ill-concealed +disappointment. Then his eye caught the one occupied by our friend's +coat. + +"Let me have this seat!" said he abruptly. + +"Oh, how are you, Mr. Rogers!" exclaimed the young lawyer. +"Certainly! Let me give you a light." + +"Your name's Baldwin, isn't it?" inquired the banker as he took up +a magazine. "Saw you about that trust matter last week, didn't I?" + +"Yes," answered Baldwin. "Nothing has occurred in connection with +it since then." + +And he returned to his paper without paying any further attention +to his companion. At Bridgeport a telegraph boy rushed into the +car and yelled: "Baldwin! Mr. Baldwin!" + +Mr. Baldwin held out his hand, in which lay half a dollar, and +without much apparent interest opened the envelope and scanned its +contents. + +"H'm!" he remarked, half inwardly, and thrust the paper into his +pocket. + +At New Haven another boy boarded the train, calling anxiously for +Everitt P. Baldwin--this time there were two telegrams; and just +as the train pulled out a third arrived. + +Mr. Baldwin read them all with the keenest interest and could hardly +conceal an exclamation of satisfaction; but the magnate gave no +sign. At New London there was another flurry and, in spite of +himself, Mr. Baldwin slapped his knee and muttered: "Good enough!" + +As the train started again Morgan H. Rogers let fall his magazine +and growled half-facetiously: + +"What the devil are all those telegrams about?" + +"Just a little injunction suit," the young man answered modestly, +"in which my firm has been quite successful." And, without giving +any names--for, indeed, there were none--he sketched rapidly a +hypothetical situation of the greatest legal delicacy, in which he +had tied up an imaginary railroad system with an injunction, +supposedly just made permanent. Morgan H. Rogers became interested +and offered Mr. Baldwin a remarkably big cigar. He had been having +a few troubles of his own of a similar character. In a few moments +the two were deep in the problems of one of the financier's own +transcontinental lines and a week later Baldwin was on Rogers' +regular staff of railroad attorneys. + +It is pleasant to reflect upon such happy incidents in the history +of a profession that probably offers more difficulties to the +beginner than any other. Yet the very obstacles to success in it +are apt to develop an intellectual agility and a flexibility of +morals which, in the long run, may well lead not only to fortune, +but to fame--of one sort or another. I recall an incident in my +own career, upon my ingenuity in which, for a time, I looked back +with considerable professional pride, until I found it a common +practice among my elders and contemporaries of the criminal and +even of the civil bar. + +It so happened that I had an elderly client of such an exceedingly +irascible disposition that he was always taking offence at imaginary +insults and was ready to enter into litigation of the fiercest +character at the slightest excuse. Now, though he was often in +the right, he was nevertheless frequently in the wrong--and equally +unreasonable in either case. He was turned over to me in despair +by another and older attorney, who could do nothing with him and +wished me joy in my undertaking. I soon found that the old +gentleman's guiding principle was "Millions for defence, but not +one cent for tribute." In other words, as he always believed +himself to have been imposed upon, he litigated almost every bill +that was presented to him, with the result that three times out of +five judgment was given against him. He had himself studied for +the bar and had a natural fondness for technicalities; and he was +quite ready to pay handsomely any one he believed to be zealously +guarding his interests. + +He was, at the time I became acquainted with him, nearly seventy +years of age and his chief diversion was to sit in my office and +harangue me upon his grievances. Being a sort of sea-lawyer himself +he was forever devising quaint defences and strange reasons why he +should not pay his creditors; and he was ever ready to spend a +hundred dollars in lawyers' fees in order to save fifty. This is +the most desirable variety of client a lawyer can have. + +One trifling weakness, common to mankind in general, gave him much +encouragement; for he soon discovered that, rather than incur the +trouble of hiring lawyers and going to court, his creditors would +usually compound with him for considerably less than their just +claims. This happened so frequently that he almost never paid a +bill in the first instance, with the natural result that those who +had sent him honest bills before, after one or two experiences with +him, made it a practice to add thirty per cent. or so to the total, +in order that they might later on gracefully reduce their demands +without loss. Thus my client, by his peevishness, actually created +the very condition regarding which, out of an overactive imagination, +he had complained originally without just cause. + +It so happened that the first matter in which he required my services +was a dispute over a tailor's bill that he regarded as excessive. +He had ordered a pair of trousers without inquiring the price and +was shocked to discover that he had been charged three dollars more +than for his last pair. The tailor explained at great length that +the first had been summer weight and that these were winter weight; +but to no purpose. + +"You think you can take advantage of me because I'm an old man!" +he shrieked in rage. "But you'll find out. Just wait until I see +my lawyer!" + +So down he came to my office and fumed and chattered for an hour +or more about the extra three dollars on his trousers. If he had +been less abusive the tailor might have overlooked the matter; but +even a tailor has a soul, and this time the man swore to have the +law on his cantankerous customer. + +"Fight to the last ditch!" shouted the old man. "Don't yield an +inch!" + +A day or two later the tailor served my client, whose name was +Wimbleton, with a summons and complaint; and I was forced to put +in an answer, in which I took issue upon the reasonable value of +the trousers. By the time I had drawn the papers and listened to +my client's detailed history of the transaction, as well as his +picturesque denunciation of his opponent, I had already put in +about a hundred dollars' worth of my time without any prospect of +a return. I knew that if the case were tried it would mean a day +lost for myself and a judgment against my client. The old fellow +had a large amount of property, however, and I was willing to take +a loss if it meant future business. Yet the time involved and the +trifling character of the suit annoyed me and I resolved to take +it upon myself to settle the matter over my client's head. + +On my way home I stopped in at the tailor's and told him to take +his three dollars and discontinue his action, which he was glad +enough to do. The next day I wrote Mr. Wimbleton that I had forced +his enemy to capitulate--horse, foot, and dragoons--and that the +suit had been withdrawn. My embarrassment may be imagined when my +client arrived at the office in a state of delirious excitement +and insisted not only on inviting me to dinner, but on paying me +fifty dollars for services in giving him the satisfaction of beating +the tailor. Instantly I saw a means of entirely satisfying the +old man and earning some good fees without the slightest exertion. + +The same method--although for another purpose--will be recalled by +my readers as having been invoked by the unjust steward who called +his lord's debtors to him and inquired how much they owed. One, +if I remember correctly, said a hundred measures of oil. + +"Take thy bill," said the steward, "and sit down quickly, and write +fifty." + +Another, who confessed to owing a hundred measures of wheat, the +steward let off with eighty. On discovering what he had done his +lord commended him for having done wisely, on the ground that the +children of this world were wiser than the children of light. + +Thus, it will be observed, my early Biblical training stood me in +practical stead; and the only difference between the unjust steward +and myself lay in the manner in which we were each eventually +treated by our respective masters. Indeed, I found this Scriptural +scheme so profitable and effective that soon my client swore I was +the cleverest lawyer he had ever employed. + +Some one would commence a suit against him for damages for breach +of contract amounting to a couple of thousand dollars, where he +thought he ought to pay only fifteen hundred, but where he really +had no defense. I would file an elaborate answer setting up all +sorts of defences, move for an examination of the plaintiff and of +his books and papers, secure a bill of particulars and go through +all sorts of legal hocus-pocus to show how bitterly I was contesting +the case as a matter of principle. Before the action came to trial, +however, I would settle it for one thousand seven hundred and fifty +dollars, telling my client that we had brought the other side to +his terms, and charge him seven hundred and fifty dollars for my +services--thus netting five hundred dollars in fees. + +Often, when the amount sued for was small--say, fifty or one hundred +dollars--and where my client had absolutely declined to pay anything, +I paid the claim in full, simply for the satisfaction of leading +him to believe that he had been successful in resisting what he +regarded as an unjust or excessive demand. + +This went on for several years, until, quite by chance, one of his +creditors, with whom I had settled over his head, either out of +forgetfulness or an evil wish to do me a bad turn, wrote him a +letter thanking him for his generosity. The next day he appeared, +purple with rage, and for some unaccountable reason, instead of +"commending" me, denounced me for a shyster. And this in spite of +the undoubted fact that my pacific methods had probably saved him +hundreds of dollars! + +It was about this time that Gottlieb devised a truly brilliant +scheme, which had to commend it the highly desirable quality of +being absolutely safe. + +There is a very wise provision of our law to the effect that, where +a wife desires to bring an action against her husband for divorce +and is without means for the purpose, the courts will allow her a +counsel fee and alimony _pendente lite_. The counsel fee is to +enable her to pay a lawyer and prepare for trial, and the amount +usually varies from one hundred to one thousand dollars. + +One morning my partner came grinning into my office and showed me +a very soiled and wrinkled paper. + +"What d'ye think of that?" he laughed. + +The document, which turned out to be an affidavit executed in +Chicago, read as follows: + +"STATE OF ILLINOIS ) +"COOK COUNTY, CITY OF CHICAGO ) ss. + +"LIZZIE YARNOWSKI, being duly sworn, deposes and says that she is +over twenty-one years of age and engaged in the employment of making +artificial flowers; that in the year 1881 the defendant induced +her to leave her home in New York and journey with him in the West +under a promise of marriage, representing himself to be a traveling +salesman employed by a manufacturer of soda fountains; that they +were married on July 5, 1881, in the town of Piqua, Ohio, by a +justice of the peace under the names of Sadie Bings and Joshua +Blank, and by a rabbi in Chicago on August 17, 1881; that two weeks +thereafter defendant deserted plaintiff and has never since +contributed toward her support, and that she has since learned that +the defendant is a banker and a broker, doing business on Wall +Street in the city of New York." + +The affidavit then went on to state that the defendant had given +the plaintiff good grounds for seeking for a divorce and that she +was without means to engage counsel or prepare for trial. The +contents of the paper was skilfully worded so as to convey the +impression that the deponent was a woman of somewhat doubtful +character herself, but that on the other hand she had been tricked +by the defendant into a secret--and what he intended to be a +temporary--marriage. Attached thereto was another affidavit from +the justice of the peace to the effect that on the date in question +he had united in the holy bonds of matrimony a man and a woman who +had given the names of Sadie Bings and Joshua Blank. + +"Well, Gottlieb," said I, "this is interesting reading, whether it +be fact or fiction; but what is its significance to us?" + +"Why," answered my associate, "these are the papers I propose to +use on a motion for counsel fee and alimony in a divorce action +brought against Mr. Chester Gates, a broker downtown--and, I may +add, a very rich and respectable young gentleman. Of course, I +have no personal knowledge of the matter, as the case has been sent +to us by one of our legal friends in Chicago; but I am quite sure +that the court will grant me a counsel fee in order to enable the +poor woman to prepare her case and bring it to trial." + +"But," I replied, "we have made just such applications a thousand +times before, have we not?" + +Gottlieb gave me one of his long, slow winks. + +"Not just like this," said he, and went back into his room, while +I pondered on what I had read. + +A few days later Gottlieb served the complaint in an action for +absolute divorce upon Mr. Chester Gates, to the young man's great +indignation and annoyance; and shortly thereafter a very respectable +and prosperous old family lawyer called upon us to explain that +the whole matter was a mistake and that his client had never, never +been married, and knew no Miss Lizzie Yarnowski, either as Sadie +Bings or under any other name. + +Gottlieb and I treated him with the greatest deference, explaining +that we had no option but to go on with the matter, as we were only +acting for our Chicago correspondent. At this the old lawyer grew +very indignant and muttered something under his breath about perjury +and blackmail, to which, however, neither Gottlieb nor I paid any +attention. A week or so later we made our motion for alimony and +counsel fee _pendente lite_, and in spite of the vehement affidavit +of Chester Gates, Esquire, that he had never seen or heard of the +plaintiff nor been married to anybody in his life, the court granted +us two hundred and fifty dollars as counsel fee. + +This was made payable at our office, as the attorneys for plaintiff; +and a day or two later Mr. Gates himself called and asked to see +us. He was a rosy-cheeked, athletic young fellow, who could, I +fancy, have knocked both our heads together had he chosen to do so. + +"Good afternoon, gentlemen," said he, closing the door and seating +himself at Gottlieb's invitation. This is a very interesting +experience you are putting me through. I am made the defendant in +a divorce action and ordered to pay you two hundred and fifty +dollars on affidavits that I know are perjured from start to finish. +Well, if that's law I have nothing to say. Of course, you can't +win your case, because you can't prove that I ever married anybody +--which latter fact, of course, you very well know. I would never +pay you a cent to settle this or any other unfounded suit, and I +never did anything for which you or any other scoun--beg pardon, I +mean lawyer--could blackmail me. But this is a new one on me. +You have got a court order that I am to pay you two hundred and +fifty dollars to bring a bogus action against myself. Well, here's +my check for it. I congratulate you. Now, I'm amused to see what +you're going to do next. I want to get something for my money." + +Gottlieb took the check and rang a bell for the office boy. + +"Take this over to the bank and cash it," he directed. "That's +the first thing I'm going to do," turning to Gates. "The next is +this." He opened the top drawer of his desk and took out a legal +paper. "Here," said he, "is a discontinuance of the action, which +I received this morning from Chicago. I suppose you have no +objection to having the matter disposed of in that way? You'll +take it?" + +Mr. Gates looked at him for a moment and then burst out laughing. + +"By George!" he exclaimed. "Take it? Of course I'll take it. I +have no particular desire to go on with the litigation, I assure +you. I fully expected to be adjudged the father of a large family +of little Yarnowskis. But, now that the matter is settled, would +you mind telling me who the lady really is?" + +Gottlieb looked at him very solemnly and, to my horror, gave an +imperceptible wink. + +"All I can tell you, sir," he replied, "is that her name is Lizzie +Yarnowski, and that you married her under the name of Sadie Bings +before a justice of the peace at Piqua, Ohio." + +At one time Gottlieb and I represented a very objectionable old +party who ran a scurrilous "society" paper, chiefly for the +opportunity it gave him to blackmail people. His method was the +very simple one of publishing some unfounded scandal without using +any names, and then to print a paragraph immediately following in +which the real names of the parties appeared, ostensibly with +relation to some other item of news: + +"It is a well-known fact that a certain young society couple, both +of whom have, to say the least, led rather lurid lives, are no +longer on good terms and are carrying on--_sub rosa_--independent +establishments. Mr. ---- prefers the upper West Side, while Mrs. +---- has a tidy little Louis XVI flat on Eleventh Street. Incidentally +the family mansion remains at ---- Fifth Avenue. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Kopeck Louis d'Or Jones are not going to Newport this +summer. There is a persistent rumor that Mrs. Jones will remain +with her mother on the Hudson, while her husband's plans are quite +indefinite." + +In point of fact it was Gottlieb who had invented this neat method +of publishing scandal without any of the usual attendant risks. +Generally what would happen would be that the day after the issuing +of the number in which the objectionable article had appeared, Mr. +Kopeck Louis d'Or Jones would call up the white-haired editor of +_Social Sifting_ on the telephone and tell him that he proposed to +sue him for libel unless he printed an immediate retraction. Our +client would thereupon refer him to Gottlieb, who would explain to +Mr. Jones that the libel in question had no reference to him +whatsoever; that he could hardly expect _favorable_ items to appear +about him unless he took a financial interest in the paper; and +end by offering to negotiate a purchase for him of some of the +stock. In many instances the injured parties would instantly take +this means of insuring that no further publications of such a +character should appear. The stock usually cost about ten thousand +dollars, which went into the pocket of the "General," as he was +called; and from that time on none but the most pleasing reflections +could be found in the columns of his paper in regard to its new +stockholder. + +Unfortunately for all parties, however, the "General" took exception +to the size of one of our bills and we parted with mutual +recriminations, although he had paid us many thousands of dollars +in fees and we had saved him many more in judgments. He still owed +us a large sum of money, but Gottlieb had tied up his property in +such a fashion that the old fellow was judgment-proof. He was thus +able to snap his fingers in our faces, a fact that naturally +intensified our hard feelings against him. We cherished our anger +until an appropriate occasion should present itself for getting +even with him, which occurred sooner than any of us, least of all +the "General," expected. + +It so happened that one of the victims, having failed to "come +across" substantially enough, discovered very shortly another +libelous paragraph, which reflected very seriously upon his young +and attractive wife; and as it was pretty generally known at the +time that the "General" and ourselves had parted company, the +husband forthwith came to us for advice. + +"Of course," said he ruefully, "I can't thrash a white-haired +villain who is old enough to be my grandfather, even if I could +get to him, which is unlikely. You know he has an inner office +'way off from the rest and sneaks in and out, up and down the back +stairs. A suit for libel wouldn't do any good and the publicity +would hurt more than the satisfaction I might get out of a verdict. +But vengeance I'll have--at any cost. How can I get it?" + +Gottlieb pondered the matter for several days and at last sent for +his new client, at the same time making an appointment at our office +with a well-known feather-weight prize-fighter. + +"If you will leave this matter to me I'll guarantee--for a thousand +dollars--that the 'General' shall receive as severe a pounding as +his old carcass can stand." + +The client joyfully wrote out a check to our order and an hour +later Hennessey, the celebrated bantam, arrayed in the uniform of +an overgrown messenger boy, called with a letter at the "General's" +office and asked to see him. He had, he insisted, orders to deliver +the letter into nobody's hands but those of the "General" himself, +and on this pretext in due course found himself, after being led +through a labyrinth of passages and stairs, in the presence of our +ex-client. + +"Are you General ----?" he inquired. + +"That's my name," answered the "General." + +"I've got a letter for yous," continued the bantam, fumbling in +his cap and producing two letters, one of which he handed over. + +The "General" took it and his eye glinted for he perceived that it +was addressed to a very well-known member of society whose escapades +were notorious. Quickly he ran his penknife through the tongue of +the envelope. + +"Hold on, there!" suddenly cried Hennessey. "I've give yous the +wrong letter. Here's yours. That one is for Mr. ----. Gimme it +back!" + +"One moment, my boy!" replied the "General," hastily tearing open +the envelope. "Just one moment." + +"Don't you take out dat letter! It ain't fer yous!" expostulated +the messenger. "Here's your letter." + +But the "General," with watering mouth, was already feverishly +devouring a violet-colored note beginning, "Darling Guy," his +bulbous nose close to the paper and scenting scandal in every line +--that is, he devoured it until, quite unexpectedly, the bantam +squared off and proceeded to hand him a few "upper cuts," "hooks," +and straight leads from the shoulder, until the scandalmonger howled +for mercy. But the bantam had his instructions. + +"No!" says he. Bing! "I'll teach you to read other people's +letters!" Bing! "I'll show yous what yous'll get if yous violates +de United States mail--see?" Bing! "Read Mr. ----'s letter, will +yous?" Bing! "Not wit' me here--see?" Bing! Bing! "You white- +haired old son of a printing-press!" + +Hennessey's description, on his return to the office, of the +"General's" appearance at the conclusion of his drubbing was +eminently satisfactory; and he forthwith exchanged his messenger's +uniform for his Broadway regalia and a crisp one-hundred dollar +bill. That is the only time, so far as I ever learned, that the +"General" ever got his real deserts; but I am glad that he did, +for once. And the sight of his red nose--somehow it looks redder +now than it used to--invariably fills me with satisfaction. + +Quite naturally our firm attracted a number of strange wastrels in +the way of clients, all of whom were picturesque and many of them +profitable. Among these was a gentleman known as the "Human Dog," +who frequented the main thoroughfares during the crowded hours and +simulated the performances of a starving animal with a verisimilitude +that I believe to have been unsurpassed in the annals of beggary. +He would go on all fours snuffling along the gutters for food and +when he came to a morsel of offal he would fall upon it and devour +it ravenously. If he found nothing he would whine and sit on his +hind legs--so to speak--on the curb, with an imploring look on his +hairy face. If a police officer approached the "Human Dog" would +immediately roll over on his back, with his legs in the air, and +yelp piteously; in fact, he combined the "lay" of insanity with +that of starvation in a most ingenious and skilful manner. He was +a familiar sight and a bugbear to the police, who were constantly +arresting him; but, as he never asked for money, they had great +difficulty in doing anything with him. Usually the magistrate sent +him to the "Island," for thirty days and then Gottlieb would get +him out on a writ of habeas corpus. Some of these writs attracted +the attention of the bar and several appear in the reports. I am +under the impression that we secured his release some twenty-nine +separate times. At last he died in a fit of apoplexy caused by +overeating; and when we administered his estate we found that he +had already laid by, in a comparatively brief career, the very +creditable sum of forty-one thousand dollars. + +The "Human Dog" was but a clever variation of the "Crust-Thrower" +--the beggar who tosses a dirty crust of bread into the gutter when +no one is looking and then falls upon it with a cry of fierce joy. +These "crust-throwers" have plied their trade for over six hundred +years and were known in England and Flanders long before the +discovery of America. Gottlieb was very shrewd at devising schemes +that came just within the law and used to amuse himself by so doing +in his leisure moments. One of the best--the idea which he sold +for three hundred dollars and which is still being used in New +York, Chicago, and elsewhere--is the following: + +An old man, with a square of plate glass in a newspaper and a bundle +of glass-cutter's tools by his side is seen sitting dejectedly on +a curb with his head in his hands. He has no coat and the icy wind +blows through his straggling locks of gray hair--a pathetic picture. +He seems utterly discouraged, but no word of complaint passes his +lips. Presently a well-dressed woman approaches and her pity is +instantly aroused. She accosts him, and the aged one informs her +in a faint voice that he works in Harlem and has been sent by his +boss to set a pane of glass on Varick Street; but not knowing +exactly where Varick Street is, he has got off the elevated at +Fifty-ninth Street and finds that he is still several miles from +his destination. What woman, unless she had a heart of granite, +would not be moved by such a tale! She opens her purse and pours +its contents into his lap; for it is a psychological truth that, +if you can once get a woman up to the point of giving anything, +she will give all that she has. How often have I seen these old +men--the children of Gottlieb's brain--sitting patiently and silently +on the streets! And how often have they paid us handsome fees to +get them out of the "jug"! + +In this catalogue of clients I must not forget "Banana Anna," who +recently, I am sad to say, met her Waterloo. Anna was a lady so +peculiarly gifted by the Almighty that she was able at will to +simulate a very severe physical mishap. I shall not describe with +any greater degree of particularity what her precise affliction +was, save to say that if genuine it would have entitled her to the +sympathy and generosity of mankind. It was the kind of thing that +might easily result from a fall; but which, in fact, under ordinary +circumstances gave her no inconvenience whatever. + +Anna would conceal a bit of banana peel in her muff and, dropping +in upon a station platform, would put her heel upon it and fall +prostrate, uttering a groan of pain. The guard would come hastily +to her assistance and find, to his horror, a woman with every mark +of respectability suffering terrible agony from a condition obviously +the result of a fall caused by a bit of banana skin carelessly left +lying upon the premises. An ambulance would be summoned, but she +would insist upon being taken to her own home--an imposing mansion +--and calling her own physician. In due course the railroad would +send its doctor, who would report that her condition was serious; +and, as the leaving of a banana peel upon a public platform is in +its very nature "negligent," the company's lawyer would recommend +settlement. Thus "Banana Anna" was able to live in comfort if not +in luxury; and an infirmity that might under other circumstances +have been a curse became, in fact, a blessing. Of course she took +a new name and hired--temporarily--a new residence for each accident; +but, as she moved from city to city, she was able to keep up the +same old ruse for years. + +Perhaps our most interesting client was the one who made his living +by supplying "to the trade" all kinds of corporate bonds and +certificates of stock. Some of these bonds had originally been +issued by corporations in good standing, but had been exchanged, +cancelled, outlawed, or in some other way had become valueless. +How our client secured them I never discovered. He also dealt in +the repudiated bonds of Southern cities and States, which can be +purchased for practically nothing almost everywhere. + +His principal line of goods, however, was the bonds of companies +that he incorporated himself and disposed of at cut rates to a +clientele all his own. These companies all bore impressive names, +such as Tennessee Gas, Heat, and Power Company, the Mercedes-Panard- +Charon Motor Vehicle Supply Company, the Nevada Coal, Coke, Iron, +and Bi-product Company, the Chicago Banking and Securities Company, +the Southern Georgia Land and Fruit Company, and so on. He had an +impressive office in a marble-fronted building on Wall Street, +doors covered with green baize inside and gold lettering outside, +and he wore a tall hat and patent-leather shoes. He also had a +force of several young lady stenographers and clerks, who acted as +the officers and directors of his various concerns, all of which +were legally incorporated under the laws of West Virginia and New +Jersey. His clients were the gilt-edged "con" men of Wall and +Nassau Streets, who, when they needed them, could purchase a couple +of hundred engraved one-thousand-dollar bonds of imposing appearance, +in a real corporation, for a few hundred dollars in cash. + +Our client did not act as an officer of these himself, but merely +took a power of attorney from the president, secretary, and treasurer, +authorizing him to sign their names to these bond issues. Yet no +one ever saw these officers, all of whom had names connotative of +wealth and financial responsibility. The Gates, Morgan, Rogers, +and other families multiplied and brought forth at the mere wave +of his pen. If you wished a half-million bond issue you simply +called him up on the telephone and some "Light and Power Company" +would hold a directors' meeting and vote a fifty-year debenture +gold seven-per-cent security that you could peddle around at fifty- +eight and one-eighth to unsuspecting investors, so as to net them +merely thirteen per cent. on their money--when they got it. You +could buy a million in these bonds for about three hundred and +seventy-five dollars and fifty cents; but they were real bonds in +real companies and legally issued against some form of property, +even if it had no market value. Sometimes, I am told, these +securities paid interest for a year or so, and the suckers got +their friends in while there were a few left--bonds, I mean--there +are always suckers. + +Like other egoists, our client became careless as time went on and +one day took it upon himself to issue a few hundred bonds in a +company without holding a directors' meeting. He should not be +severely blamed for neglecting a detail of this sort when he was +so well aware of its purely formal if not farcical character. +Still, it was one of those little slips that even the most careful +of us will sometimes make, and the district-attorney took an +underhand advantage of our friend and indicted him for forging the +names of the officers of the company to an unauthorized issue of +bonds. Gottlieb and I had, perforce, to defend him; but, unfortunately, +his real defence would have been even worse than the charge. He +could not say that there was no real company and that there were +no such human beings as the persons whose names he had written +across the back of the bonds in question. + +Poor fellow! He was an absolutely innocent man. Yet he went to +Sing Sing for seven years for committing no crime at all. How +could he forge the names of persons who did not exist? However, +he had invented these financial Frankensteins and they finally +overwhelmed him. Somewhere lying around I have my share of the +fee in this case--I forget just where. It consists of fourteen +millions in the securities of the National Mortgage and Security +Company of Jampole, Mississippi. + + +CHAPTER VII + +The fear that most people have of the criminal law has its origin +in their ignorance of it. They are, luckily, most of them unfamiliar +with bailiffs and constables, except at a distance. The gruff +voice of authority has echoed but dimly for them. They have heard +of the "third degree," "the cooler," "the sweat-box," and "the +bracelets," yet they have never seen the inside of a station-house; +and their knowledge of jails, if they have any at all, is derived +from reading in their childhood of the miraculous escapes of Baron +Trenck or the Fall of the Bastille. They picture officers of the +law as human bulldogs, with undershot, foam-dripping jaws and +bloodshot eyes. The bourne--from which so many travellers never +return--bounded by the criminal statutes, is a _terra incognita_ +to the average citizen. A bailiff with a warrant for his arrest +would cause his instant collapse and a message that "all was +discovered" would--exactly as in the popular saw--lead him to flee +at once. + +Upon this dread of the unknown the criminal attorney plays whenever +possible. It is his strongest asset, his stock in trade. The +civil lawyer, vaguely believing that there must be a criminal law +to cover every obvious wrong, retains him to put the screws on the +evil-doer and bring him to terms. The man who has done a dirty +business trick--in reality a hundred miles from being a crime-- +engages the shyster to keep him out of jail. The practical weapon +of the criminal lawyer is the warrant of arrest. Just as at civil +law any one can bring a groundless suit and subject his enemy to +much annoyance and expense, so almost anybody can get almost anybody +else arrested. Of course if there is no justification for it a +suit for malicious prosecution and false arrest may arise; but most +persons who resort to such tactics are "judgment proof" and the +civil law has no terrors for them at all. At least fifty persons +out of every hundred would gladly pay an unrighteous claim rather +than be subjected to the humiliation of arrest, even if their +confinement were of the most temporary character. + +In New York the right of having the defendant arrested in certain +classes of civil cases is a matter of statute. It is a preliminary +remedy not half as much availed of as it might be. The young lady +who brings a breach-of-promise suit against her faithless follower +has the right to put him under arrest and make him give bail; and +the young gentleman who would laugh ordinarily at the mere service +of papers may well settle her claim if a sheriff whispers in his +ear that he has a warrant for his person. + +In the early days, before Gottlieb and I practised at the criminal +bar, a judgment creditor could arrest and lock up his delinquent +debtor. This was a most ancient and honorable form of redress; +and the reader has undoubtedly read dozens of novels in which some +of the scenes are laid in "Fleet Street." This locking up of people +who owed other people money but could not meet their just obligations +was sanctified by tradition and deeply rooted in our jurisprudence; +but the law governing the procedure in such cases was highly +technical and the wind of destiny was somewhat tempered to the +shorn lamb of the creditor. Thus, a warrant for the arrest of a +debtor could not be executed on the Sabbath, and, of course, had +no value outside of the State. Accordingly the neighboring cities +of New Jersey harbored thousands of bankrupt New Yorkers who could +not pay their bills and suffered a voluntary exile until they should +be in funds again. Indeed, there were certain hostelries entirely +given over to their accommodation. The man who had defied his +creditors simply converted his available property into ready cash +and slipped across the river to Jersey City or Hoboken, where he +remained six days in every week and returned to the bosom of his +adoring family on the seventh. + +Later on civil orders of arrest were limited by statute to certain +classes of cases, such as, for instance, the conversion of money. + +Among our clients there was a certain exceedingly attractive young +lady of French extraction, named Mademoiselle Valerie Carrell, who +was a popular favorite upon the light-opera stage when light opera +was in swaddling-clothes. Our fair client, like many another +histrionic genius, had more charm than business ability and was +persuaded by an unscrupulous manager to intrust to him a large sum +of money for investment in his various enterprises. Time went on, +and, although he seemed to be successful in his ventures, he insisted +that he had no money and was absolutely unable to repay her. In +utter desperation she came to Gottlieb and myself for assistance +and we speedily secured judgment for the full amount--fifteen +thousand dollars--after a hotly contested trial, in which the +defendant perjured himself very unlike a gentleman. The only result +was that Mr. Brown, the manager, gayly offered to settle for fifteen +hundred, and, on receiving a curt refusal, transferred his residence +to Hoboken, from which place he managed his business and paid +furtive visits to the metropolis in the night-time. On Sundays, +however, he always appeared in full regalia on Broadway and could +invariably be seen entertaining his friends lavishly in the +restaurants. + +Gottlieb suffered this course of conduct to become a habit and then +informed me that he proposed to collect the full amount of Mademoiselle +Carrell's judgment upon the following Monday. I expressed some +incredulity at the idea, but later events proved that my partner +was well justified in his prophecy. We had long before procured +a warrant for Brown's arrest and the only difficulty lay in executing +it upon a week-day. Sunday came and as usual Brother Brown, with +his customary bravado, made his appearance in the city. That +evening Gottlieb invited me to dine with him at the resort ordinarily +frequented by our quarry. True to his invariable custom, Brown +turned up there with a party of his cronies and spent the evening +in merry feasting, presumably upon the money of our client. It +was a clear, moonlight night and when the glowworm showed the matin +to be near--or, more correctly, when it neared twelve o'clock-- +Brown beckoned to the waiter, paid his bill out of a fat roll of +greenbacks, winked good-naturedly at us, and bade his friends good- +night. A moment or two later Gottlieb whispered to me to follow +him and we stepped forth upon the street. Brown was strolling +quietly down Broadway toward Twenty-third Street. A short distance +behind followed a thick-set man with a square-cut jaw whom I had +frequently noticed in Gottlieb's office. + +On the corner of the cross-town thoroughfare Brown paused, looked +first at the moon and then at his watch, and proceeded on his +constitutional toward the ferry. The street, save for a distant +and presumably somnolent policeman, was deserted. The thick-set +man crossed to the other side of the way, quickened his steps, +overtook and passed Brown, recrossed and sauntered toward him. A +moment later there was a collision between them, voices were raised +in angry altercation and presently Brown was rolling undignifiedly +on the pavement, his calls for the police rending the stillness of +the night. The officer hastily approached, whistling wildly for +aid. Gottlieb and I took refuge in an adjacent doorway. Abruptly, +however, Brown's outcries ceased. It is probably that a sudden +vision of the consequences of an appeal to police protection came +to him as he lay like an overturned June-bug upon the sidewalk. +But the law had been invoked. The car of Juggernaut had started +upon its course. + +"What's the trouble here?" cried the policeman, as he arrived +panting upon the scene. + +"This fellow here assaulted me!" instantly answered the man with +the bulldog jaw. + +"It's a lie!" bellowed Brown, climbing to his feet. + +"Well, what have you got to say?" inquired the officer. + +Brown hesitated. If he made a counter charge he realized that he +would have to go to the police station to make the complaint. This +would keep him in the city until after midnight. + +"Well?" continued the policeman. + +Still Brown paused, rapidly taking account of stock. If he did +not deny the charge in terms he would be locked up, which was just +as bad. But the bull-jawed chap spoke first. + +"I want this man arrested!" he insisted. "He deliberately attacked +me!" + +"I did no such thing!" shouted Brown. "He came at me without +provocation and knocked me down." + +"It took you long enough to say so," commented the officer. "I'll +have to take you along to the house. Come on, both of you." + +Grasping Brown by the arm, he marched him down the street. Suddenly +the unfortunate manager began to pour forth a long explanation, +quite incoherent so far as the policeman was concerned. He was +the victim of a frame-up--it was a job to get him arrested. The +officer remarked unsympathetically that he had heard that sort of +thing many times before. Gottlieb and I skulked in the rear. When +the police station was at last reached the thick-set man made a +charge of assault against the manager and Brown was compelled +perforce to make a similar charge against his adversary. Then both +were locked up to await a hearing the next morning in the magistrate's +court, when, after a prolonged examination, Brown was discharged +with an admonition against a too free indulgence in alcoholic +liquors. + +"Don't be hard on him, judge," said the bull-jawed man. "I had no +trouble in defending myself. I think he has had lesson enough." + +Much the worse for wear, Mr. Brown passed out of the court-room, +only to be confronted on the sidewalk by a marshal with a warrant +for his arrest. It was Monday morning. His period of immunity +was over. His eye caught Gottlieb and myself standing on the +corner. + +"Well, boys," he exclaimed ruefully, "I'm caught. How much is it +going to cost?" + +"Fifteen thousand dollars," answered Gottlieb, adding, after a +moment's pause--"and disbursements." + +I need hardly add that Mr. Brown lost no time in raising the +necessary ransom and within the hour had paid his judgment in full +and secured his discharge. The days are long since over, however, +when judgment defaulters had anything to fear; and now a beneficent +bankruptcy law, merely for the asking, washes all their debts away. +But the power to secure another's arrest is even more easily +available now than in the days of my early practice owing to the +great number of new crimes created by the statutes. + +One of the most ingenious devices for extorting money that ever +came to my attention was invented by a client of mine named Levine +--a poor sort of character, to be sure, but cleverer than many a +better man. In detail his method was as follows: He first bought +at wholesale a large quantity of cheap watches covered with gold +plate. To the inexperienced they looked as if they might possibly +be worth forty or fifty dollars apiece. They cost Levine about +two dollars and twenty-five cents each. His next step was to select +some small shop belonging to a plumber, grocer, or electrician +which was ordinarily left in the charge of a clerk while the owner +was out attending to his work or securing orders. Levine would +find some excuse for entering the shop, engage the clerk in +conversation, and having secured his attention would produce one +of his watches and extol its merits at length, explaining what a +great bargain it was and how--only owing to an exceptional +concatenation of circumstances--he was able to offer it for the +ridiculously low figure of thirty dollars. + +Now it never made any difference to Levine whether the clerk wanted +the watch or not. His procedure remained the same in all cases. +He would first offer to let the fellow have it by paying one dollar +a week on the installment plan. If this did not appeal to the +clerk Levine would persuade him to keep it for a short time on +approval, paying down a dollar "as security." Almost all of his +victims would agree to this if only to be rid of him. In default +of aught else he would lay the watch on the counter and run away. + +Nothing more would occur for a couple of weeks, during which the +clerk would hold the watch pending its owner's return, little +suspecting what was going on meantime. Levine, having "landed" +his watch, immediately swore to a verified complaint in an action +at law for "goods sold and delivered," setting forth on the date +in question he had sold--not to the clerk, but to his _employer_-- +a gold watch for the sum of fifty dollars, which the latter had +then and there promised to pay for at once. The complaint further +recited that the money had been duly demanded and payment refused, +and asked judgment for fifty dollars and the costs and disbursements +of the action. Levine would then procure from some irresponsible +person an affidavit that the latter had personally served a copy +of the complaint in question, together with a summons, upon the +defendant, and place the case on the calendar for trial. Of course +no papers were in fact served upon anybody and Levine would in due +course secure judgment by default for sixty-odd dollars. Armed +with a certified copy of the judgment and a writ of attachment, +and accompanied by a burly deputy marshal selected for the ferocity +of his appearance, Levine would wait until some opportune time when +the owner of the shop was again absent and the shop had been left +in charge of the same clerk or a member of the family. Bursting +roughly in, he would demand whether or not it was the intention of +the owner to pay the judgment, while at the same moment the deputy +would levy on the stock in trade. + +The owner of the shop, having been hastily summoned, would return +to demand angrily what the rumpus was all about. By this time the +clerk would have recovered his wits sufficiently to denounce the +proceeding as an outrage and the suit as baseless. But his master, +who saw judgment against himself for sixty dollars and his goods +actually under attachment, was usually in no mood to listen to, +much less believe, his clerk's explanations. At all events, they +availed naught, when Levine, with an expression of horror at such +deliberate mendacity on the part of the clerk, was wont to say: + +"Ask him, pray, whether he has not got the watch in his pocket at +this very moment!" + +Usually this was indeed the fact, as the clerk had no idea what +else to do with it until Levine should return. + +"So-ho!" his master would shout wrathfully. "What do you mean by +saying that you did not agree to buy the watch? Why, you have kept +it all the time! What's more, you've pretended to buy it in my +name! And now my shop is turned into a bear garden and there is +a judgment against me and my goods are attached! A fine result of +your extravagance!" + +"But I never agreed to buy it!" insists the clerk. "This man left +it here on approval!" + +"Pish!" answers the employer. "That is all very well; but what +have you to say to the judgment of the court? Now, my fine fellow, +you will either pay up this money that you owe or I'll advance it +myself and take it out of your wages." + +In every case, despite the protests of the clerk, the money would +be handed over and the shop released from levy. Unfortunately, +after working the game for several years, Levine came a cropper by +carelessly trying it on one of the same clerks that he had victimized +some time before. The clerk, being of an unusually vindictive +disposition, followed the matter up. Having first arrested the +man who made the false affidavit of service, he induced him to turn +State's evidence against my client and landed the latter in jail. +Being a great reader, however, Levine did not find his incarceration +particularly unpleasant; and, hearing of the Court of Appeals +decision in the McDuff case, he spent his time in devising new +schemes to take the place of his now antiquated specialty. On his +release he immediately became a famous "sick engineer" and for a +long time enjoyed the greatest prosperity, until one of his friends +victimized him at his own game by inducing him to bet ten thousand +dollars on the outcome of a prize-fight that he was simple-minded +enough to believe had already been fought and won. + +This was an elaborate variation of the ordinary wire-tapping game, +where the sucker or lamb is introduced to a person alleged to be +an inside official of a large telegraph company, who is ready to +sell advance information of the results of sporting events in return +for a share in the profits. The victim is taken to a supposed +"branch office" of the company and actually hears the results of +the races coming in over the wires and being telephoned to the pool- +rooms. Of course the whole place is merely a plant fitted up for +his benefit. He is then taken to a supposed pool-room and gives +up his money for the purpose of having it placed as a wager on a +horse-race already won. Under the McDuff case, it had been held +by the courts that he had parted with his money for an illegal and +dishonest purpose--to wit, in an attempt to win money from another +who was wagering his own money in good faith--and the rogue who +had seduced his conscience and slit his purse went free. This was +Levine's favorite field of operations. + +But his friend went him one better. Knowing that Levine had salted +away a lot of money, he organized a gang of "cappers" and boosters, +who made a great talk about the relative merits of two well-known +pugilists. It was given out that a fight was to be "pulled off" +up the Hudson and a party was made up to attend it. A private car +was taken by the friend in question and Levine was the guest of +honor. Champagne flowed freely. The fight came off in a deserted +barn near a siding above Poughkeepsie; and Levine wagered all of +his money, with other prosperous-looking guests in the car, under +the assumption that a bargain had been made between the "pugs" that +his man should win. But the supposed sports were all "boosters" +in his friend's pay and the other man won after a spirited exhibition, +which, although exciting, hardly consoled Levine for the loss of +his money. + +It is a curious fact that those of my clients who made great sums +from time to time in ways similar to these rarely had any money; +most of them died in abject poverty. Sooner or later all ran foul +of the law and had to give up to the lawyers all they had managed +to lay by. + +When at last John Holliday, a dealer in automatic musical instruments, +was "trimmed" out of sixty-five thousand dollars by various schemes +of this character, the tardy Legislature finally amended the penal +code in such a way as to do away with the farcical doctrine of the +McDuff case and drove all our erstwhile clients out of business. + + +CHAPTER VIII + +"Shake hands with Mr. Dillingham, Quib," said Gottlieb as I one +day unexpectedly entered the latter's office. "We have a matter +on hand in which he is interested." + +"Glad to know you, Mr. Quibble," quoth the client, extending a +rather soft hand. "Your name is well known to me, although I have +never personally had the pleasure of your acquaintance." + +"The future will, I trust, remedy that," I replied, not particularly +impressed with the stranger's features or expression, but conscious +somehow of the smell of money about him. For he was short and fat +and wore a brown surtout and a black stovepipe hat, and his little +gray eyes peeped out of full, round, red cheeks. On his lower lip +he wore a tiny goatee. + +"As I was saying," he continued, turning again to my partner, "we +all of us make mistakes and I made the biggest one when I annexed +the present Mrs. D. I was a young fool hardly out of my teens, +and the sight of a pretty face and a tearful story of woe were too +much for me. She was an actress. _Comprenez?_ A sort of Lydia +Languish, la-de-da kind of a girl. Oh, she caught me fast enough, +and it was only after I had swallowed the hook, sinker and all, +that I found out she was married." + +"Ho-ho!" remarked Gottlieb. "The old story." + +"The same little old story," assented Dillingham. "Take a cigar?" +He produced a well-filled case. + +I dropped into a chair and hitched it toward them. + +"Now, the fact of the matter is," continued he, "she wouldn't look +at me as long as she was tied to her husband, miserable rat though +he was; and he was and is a rat! I could call and take her out to +dinner, and all that, but--pst! nothing more! and she was always +telling me how I was her good angel and inspired her to higher +things! Gad! even then it bored me! But I could see nothing but +her face. You know how it is. I was twenty-six and a clerk in a +hardware house." + +He laughed grimly. + +"Well, as luck would have it, my Uncle John died just about that +time and left me ten thousand dollars and I started in to make her +my own by getting her a divorce. Now, this husband of hers was a +wretched fellow--the son of a neighbor--who never got beyond being +a waiter in a railroad station. Say, it is rather rough, eh? To +think of me, Dillingham, of Dillingham, Hodges & Flynn, the biggest +independent steel man in the State, tied up to a pale-faced woman +who can't speak the King's English properly and whose first husband +is a waiter--yes, a waiter to-day, understand, in a railroad +restaurant at Baltimore! It makes me sick every time I go to +Washington. I can't eat--fact! So I hired a lawyer for her--you +know him, I guess--Bunce. Oscar Willoughby Bunce! And he prepared +divorce papers--Oh, we had cause enough! And the next time Hawkins +--that was the husband's name, Arthur P. Hawkins--came over to New +York, to borrow some money from his wife, Bunce slapped a summons +on him. It makes me squirm to think how delighted I was to know +we had actually begun our case. Hawkins hired a lawyer, I believe, +and pretended he was going to put up a defence, but I bought him +off and we got our decree by default. Then, gentlemen"--Dillingham +paused with a wry face--"I had the inestimable privilege of marrying +my present wife!" + +He sucked meditatively on his cigar for a few moments before resuming +his narrative. + +"Curious, isn't it--the fascination of the stage? You, gentlemen, +probably have observed it even more than I have; but when he sees +a slim girl with yellow curls capering around in tights behind the +footlights, a young man's imagination runs riot and he fancies her +the incarnation of coquetry and the personification of vivacious +loveliness. I admit it--the present Mrs. Dillingham was a dancer. +On the stage she used to ogle me out of my shoes and off it she'd +help me spend my money and drink my wine and jolly me up to beat +the cars; but once I'd married her she changed completely. Instead +of a dashing, snappy, tantalizing sort of a little Yum-Yum, she +turned religious and settled down so you wouldn't have known her. +There was nothing in it. Instead of a peach I had acquired a lemon. +I expected champagne and found I was drinking buttermilk. Get me? +You would never have guessed she'd been inside a theatre in her +life. Well, we got along the best we could and she made a hit at +the church, as a brand plucked from the burning. Used to tell her +experiences Friday nights and have all the parsons up to five- +o'clock tea. Meanwhile I forgot my romantic dreams of flashing +eyes and twinkling feet and began to get interested in business. +To-day I'm worth real money and am on top of the heap downtown; +but socially--Good Lord! the woman's a millstone! She's grown fat +and talks through her nose, and--" + +"You want to get rid of her," finished Gottlieb. + +"Exactly!" answered Dillingham. "How much will it cost?" + +"I think you had better give me your check for ten thousand dollars +to begin with," replied my partner. "Such a case presents great +difficulties--almost insuperable without money. I am not even sure +that what you want can be accomplished without running grave personal +risks--not on your part, but on ours. Such risks must be compensated +for. What you desire, I take it, is to have your marriage annulled. +To do that it will be necessary to prove that the divorce procured +by Mrs. Dillingham from her former husband, Hawkins, was improperly +and illegally granted. We must knock out the decree in Hawkins +_versus_ Hawkins somehow or other. To be frank with you, it may +cost you a large sum." + +"It is worth it," answered Dillingham. "Free me from this woman +and I'll give you twenty-five thousand dollars." + +"Make it thirty-five thousand dollars," coaxed Gottlieb. + +"Well, then, thirty-five thousand dollars," said Dillingham after +a pause. + +"But you must promise to do exactly what we tell you!" continued +my partner. + +"I expect to," replied the other. + +"Very good, then," said Gottlieb. "In the first place, the original +decree is no good unless the summons actually was served on Hawkins +and the suit properly commenced. Now, perhaps Bunce served the +wrong man. He didn't know Hawkins. The latter was merely pointed +out to him. Already I begin to feel that there is grave doubt as +to whether the proceedings in Hawkins _versus_ Hawkins were ever +legally initiated." + +"Hold on, Mr. Gottlieb!" remonstrated Dillingham. "You want to go +easy there. After Hawkins was served he retained a lawyer. I know +that, dammit, because it cost me twenty-five hundred dollars to +get rid of him." + +"What was his name?" asked Gottlieb sharply. + +"Crookshank--Walter E. Crookshank--down on Nassau Street." + +Gottlieb gave a short, dry laugh. + +"Luck's with you, Dillingham. Crookshank died three years ago." + +None of us broke silence for the space of about two minutes. + +"You see now why this sort of thing costs money?" finally remarked +my partner. + +Dillingham wiped his forehead with his handkerchief nervously. + +"Say," he began, "isn't that taking a pretty long chance? I--" + +"It is taking no chance at all," retorted Gottlieb, his little eyes +glistening like a snake's. "You have simply retained us to see if +your wife's original divorce was regular--not to see if it was +irregular--catch on? You tell us nothing. We ask you nothing. +We make our investigation. Much to our surprise and horror, we +discover that the defendant never was served--perhaps that he never +even knew of the proceeding until years afterward. We don't know +what you know. We simply advise you the divorce is N. G. and you +ask no questions. We'll attend to all that--for our thirty-five +thousand dollars." + +"Well, you know your business," responded Dillingham hesitantly, +"and I leave the matter in your hands. How long will it take?" + +"Everything now depends on our friend Hawkins," replied Gottlieb. +"We may be able to hand you your manumission papers in three +months." + +When Dillingham had written out his check and bade us good day I +no longer made any pretence of concealing from my partner my +perturbation. I had, of course, known that from time to time we +had skated on thin ice; but this was the first occasion upon which +Gottlieb had deliberately acknowledged to a client that he would +resort to perjury to accomplish his ends. + +"Don't you think we're running entirely too close to the wind?" I +asked, pacing up and down the office. + +"My dear Quib," answered Gottlieb soothingly, "don't agitate yourself +over so trifling a matter. The only living man who can prove that +Hawkins was served is Bunce--and Bunce is a fool. At best it would +simply be one swearing against the other. We have a perfect right +to believe Hawkins in preference to Bunce if we choose. Anyhow, +we're not the judge. All we have to do is to present the evidence +at our command--if we can get it. And, by God! we will get it if +it costs us ten thousand dollars! Why, Quib, the thing is a +windfall. Thirty-five thousand! Why, thirty-five _hundred_ for +such a case would be a big fee!" + +"I don't know!" I answered, for I felt a curious premonition in +the matter. "Something tells me that we ought to take no chances." + +"Come, come!" quoth Gottlieb, with a light show of irritation. +"Don't lose your nerve. You've done many a worse thing than this, +to my own knowledge!" + +I do not pretend to any virtue in the matter and yet I must admit +to some feelings of compunction about Mrs. Dillingham. Truth to +tell, I had taken a strong dislike to her husband, with his sleek +confidence and cold-blooded selfishness. In addition, I was quite +sure that there was some other fell reason why he wished to divorce +her--probably he had another marriage in contemplation, even if he +had not admitted it. + +"I wish we could make the beggar do his own dirty work," I +exclaimed. + +"But what does he pay us for?" inquired Gottlieb innocently. "Quib, +just think of the money!" + +I had, in fact, been thinking of the money, and it looked very good +to me. Since my days in Haight & Foster's law office, a great, +great change had come in my manner of life; and, though my friends +to a great extent remained among the theatrical and sporting class +to which I had received my first introduction on coming to New +York, I now occupied a large brick house with stone trimmings in +Washington Square, where I entertained in truly luxurious fashion. +I had a French cook and an English butler, and drove a pair of +trotters that were second to none except those of William H. +Vanderbilt, with whom I had many a fast brush on the speedways. + +Though I had never allowed myself to be caught in the net of +matrimony, I had many friends among the fair sex, particularly +among those who graced the footlights; and some of my evening +parties did not break up until dawn was glinting over the roofs of +the respectable mansions round about me. It was a gay life, but +it cost money--almost more money than I could make; and my share +in the thirty-five thousand dollars offered by our friend Dillingham +would go a long way to keeping up my establishment for another +year. So I allowed my qualms to give me no further uneasiness and +told myself that Gottlieb was clever enough to manage the business +in such a fashion that there would be no "come-back." + +A week or so later I encountered in our office a narrow-shouldered, +watery-eyed, reddish-nosed party that I instantly recognized for +Hawkins. There could be no doubt about the matter, for he had a +way of standing at attention and thrusting his head forward when +addressed that were unmistakable. He was waiting, it turned out, +for Gottlieb, who had sent for him to come on from Baltimore; and +the readiness with which he had responded could be better accounted +for by the five hundred dollars which he had received at the hands +of our emissary for travelling expenses than by any desire on his +part to regain the society of the present Mrs. Dillingham. + +"I suppose," began Gottlieb when he had retired to the seclusion +of his inner office, "that you fully understand that the divorce +secured by your wife is inoperative--Tut! Tut! Don't interrupt +me!"--for Hawkins had opened his mouth in protest--"for the reason +--for the very good reason, I repeat--that you were never served +with any summons or notified that the proceeding had been commenced. +Am I correct?" + +Hawkins grinned and turned his watery eyes from one of us to the +other. + +"Quite so, sir!" he stuttered. "Exactly, sir!" + +"Now, on the contrary, if any one says you were served with such +a paper, it was quite impossible for the reason--by the way, what +_was_ the reason?" + +Hawkins dropped one eyelid to a narrow slit and pursed his lips. + +"Quite impossible, sir! The fact is, sir, I was waitin' on a dinin'- +car that ran at the time between San Antonio and New Orleans, sir." + +"You see, Quib?" exclaimed Gottlieb. "My suspicions in the matter +were quite correct. This gentleman has been most outrageously +treated! If you will kindly retire for a moment--as I have a matter +which I wish to discuss with him privately--I will turn him over +to you for the purpose of taking his affidavit." + +A few moments thereafter Hawkins appeared in my office, apparently +in the act of stuffing something into his pocket, and announced +that he was ready to sign his "davy." Although I had no taste for +the business, there was nothing for it but to do my part; so I +called in a stenographer and dictated the following: + +"SUPREME COURT--COUNTY OF NEW YORK + +"RUFUS P. DILLINGHAM, Plaintiff ) + _against_ ) _Action for Annulment of Marriage_ + LILIAN DILLINGHAM, Defendant ) + +"CITY AND COUNTY OF NEW YORK, _ss_.: + +"ARTHUR P. HAWKINS, being duly sworn, deposes and says: That he +is forty-three years old, a waiter by occupation, and resides in +the city of Baltimore, Maryland; that he was married to the defendant +herein on the eighteenth day of June, 187-, and thereafter lived +with her as man and wife until the month of December, 1882, when +for some reason unknown to deponent the defendant left his house +and did not thereafter return; that he has recently learned that +said defendant, in July, 1887, procured a decree of divorce against +him in the county and State of New York, upon grounds of which +deponent is totally ignorant, and that thereafter said defendant +contracted a marriage with one Rufus P. Dillingham, the plaintiff +therein; that deponent was never served with any summons or complaint +in said action of divorce and had no knowledge or information that +any such proceeding was pending against him; that he never appeared +in such proceeding and until recently always supposed that the +defendant was his lawful wife. + +"Sworn to before me this fourteenth ) + day of September, 1894 ) ARTHUR P. HAWKINS +"ISAAC M. COHEN, +"Notary Public, New York County." + +There was something about this seedy rascal that filled me with +disgust and suspicion, and he looked at me out of the corners of +his evil eyes as if he knew that by some trick of fate he had me +in his power and was gloating over it. Even while he was swearing +to the paper he had a sickly sneer on his pimply face that sickened +me, and when Cohen, my clerk, administered the oath to him he had +the audacity to wink in his face and answer: + +"It's the truth--_not!_" + +Cohen, who knew a thing or two and had taken affidavits before, +merely laughed, but the words sent a shiver down my spine and I +snarled out: + +"Be careful what you're saying! Do you swear that this affidavit +of yours is true?" + +"Yes, sir! Yes, sir!" he hastened to answer, somewhat chagrined +at my not taking as a joke what he had intended for one. + +"Very well," I said to Cohen. "Show the gentleman out. I'm very +busy. Good-day." + +Afterward I would have given all the money I possessed to undo what +I had done. + + +The case of Dillingham _versus_ Dillingham duly came on for trial, +with Oscar Willoughby Bunce as the chief witness for defendant. +He had visited our office several times in an attempt to convince +us that we were entirely misinformed in regard to the service of +the papers in the original action and had insisted vehemently that +he had personally delivered them to Hawkins in the office of the +Astor House. Gottlieb had gently assured him that he must be +mistaken and bowed him out, but Bunce for once in his little toy +career was "all up in the air." He felt that his own integrity +was, in some mysterious way, at stake, since it was upon his own +testimony to the effect that he had made the service of the papers +in question that the original decree had in part been granted. +The case was sent to a referee for hearing, and on the morning of +the day set Gottlieb called me into his office and said: + +"Harkee, Quib! I've a plan that will put our little friend Bunce's +nose out of joint for good. It is nearly seven years now since he +has seen Hawkins and it was then only for a moment." + +"Well," said I, "what is your game?" + +"Come along to the hearing and you'll find out, my lad," answered +Gottlieb. "Don't fail if you want to see some fun." + +Curious to discover what trick Gottlieb would be able to play, I +accordingly arranged my work so as to attend the hearing, which +was to be held in the referee's office in an old wooden building +on Broadway. As I climbed the stairs I caught sight of Hawkins +skulking on one of the landings, but he laid a finger on his lips +and I passed on and up to the attorney's office. The room, like +most old-fashioned lawyers' offices, was but dimly lighted, and on +entering I found the other side, with the exception of Mrs. +Dillingham, already there. The referee sat at one end of a large +table, surrounded by his books, with his stenographer beside him; +and to his left sat Bunce and a lawyer named Stires, the present +"attorney of record" for the defendant. I took my seat opposite +them, introduced myself to the referee and waited. In a few moments +the door opened noisily and Gottlieb entered with much bustle, +accompanied by a clerk carrying books and papers and by a perfectly +strange man, arrayed in very new clothes, who seemed much embarrassed +and doubtful as to what he should do. + +"Good afternoon, gentlemen!" exclaimed Gottlieb breezily. "I regret +to have kept you waiting, but I was unavoidably detained. Shall +I sit down here? Yes? Very good. Please take your seat beside +me, Mr. Hawkins." + +The stranger blushed, fumbled his hat, and sat down bashfully in +the place designated. + +"Are you ready to proceed, gentlemen?" inquired the referee over +his spectacles. "Call your first witness." + +Bunce, who had been fidgeting in his eagerness to tell what he +knew, instantly bobbed up and asked to be sworn. + +After giving his name, age, and profession, he detailed how he had +prepared the papers in the original case of Hawkins _versus_ Hawkins +and served them upon the defendant personally at the Astor House. + +"I handed them to Mr. Hawkins myself and explained them to him. +He was dressed very much as he is now," cried Bunce. + +"Do you positively identify this gentleman on your oath as the +person you served with the summons and complaint?" inquired Gottlieb +as if the matter were merely one of routine. + +"Absolutely!" retorted Bunce hotly. "I could identify him anywhere +by the shape of his nose. I took especial pains to remark his +appearance in case the service should ever be disputed." + +"Thank you. That is all," said Gottlieb. Then turning to the +stranger he directed him to take the stand. + +"What is your name?" he asked sternly. + +"Aaron Finkelstein--as you know very well, Mr. Gottlieb," answered +the stranger. + +"Do you recognize this gentleman who has just testified?" indicating +Bunce. + +"As far as I know I never saw him in my life," answered Finkelstein. + +"Did he ever serve you with any papers--in the Astor House or +anywhere else?" + +"Never." + +"What is your business?" + +"I am an undertaker." + +In an instant the room was in a turmoil, Bunce screaming out that +he had been tricked by a parcel of shysters, Gottlieb indignantly +defending his ruse as a perfectly proper method of discrediting +Bunce, and the referee vainly endeavoring to restore order. As +for myself, in spite of my anxiety over the whole affair, I could +not do otherwise than laugh heartily over Bunce's ludicrous mistake. +When Hawkins was brought in from outside, and, after proclaiming +his identity, denied ever being served in the original action, the +referee was but little inclined to listen to Lawyer Bunce, who now +corrected his testimony and swore just as insistently that the real +Hawkins was the person to whom he had given the papers in the case. + +Here, then, was as pretty a trick as had ever been played upon an +unsuspecting and well-meaning lawyer; and by it Gottlieb had so +strengthened our position that, very likely, the referee would have +found for our side even had not Hawkins taken it upon himself to +swear the matter through. Moreover, the only person who could have +disproved the latter's testimony or given evidence that might have +militated against its probability--to wit, Crookshank, his former +attorney--was dead and buried, and it seemed as if truth were buried +with him. On the way back to our office I congratulated my partner +on the Napoleonic strategy which he had displayed and a few days +later a more substantial compliment followed, in the shape of an +unqualified finding in our favor on the part of the referee. + +"Was ever thirty-five thousand dollars earned so easily!" laughed +Gottlieb over his cigar as we were dining at Delmonico's. + +"So long as Hawkins stays bought--yes," I answered. + +"Don't be a death's head, Quib!" he retorted. "Why, even if he +turned State's evidence, no one would believe him! Have another +glass of this vintage--we can drink it every night now for a year +at Dillingham's expense!" + +"Well, here's to you, Gottlieb!" I answered, filling my goblet with +creaming wine; "and here's to crime--whereby we live and move and +have our being!" + +And we clinked our glasses and drained them with a laugh. + +I had now been a resident of New York for upward of twenty years +and had acquired, as the junior member of the firm of Gottlieb & +Quibble, an international reputation. It is true that my partner +and I felt it to be beneath our dignity to advertise in the newspapers +--and, indeed, advertising in New York City was for us entirely +unnecessary--but we carried a card regularly in the English journals +and received many retainers from across the water; in fact, we +controlled practically all the theatrical business in the city, +drawing the contracts for the managers and being constantly engaged +in litigations on their behalf. We had long since abandoned as +trivial all my various profit-sharing schemes, and, with the +exception of carrying on our pay-rolls many of the attendants +attached to the police and other criminal courts, had practically +no "runners." We did not need any. There was no big criminal case +in which we were not retained for the defence and rarely a divorce +action of any notoriety where we did not appear for one of the +parties. + +This matter of Hawkins's was the first in twenty years in which he +had ever deliberately faked an entire case! Yet, if ever there +was a safe opportunity to do so, this seemed the one, and I cannot +even now charge Gottlieb with recklessness in taking the chances +that he did; but, as luck would have it, there were two facts +connected with the Dillingham annulment the significance of which +we totally overlooked--one, that Bunce was not so much of a fool +as he looked, and the other, that Mrs. Dillingham was a mother. + +Once, however, judgment had been entered to the effect that Mrs. +Dillingham had never lawfully ceased to be Mrs. Hawkins, then the +real reason of our client's anxiety to be rid of his wife and her +child, a girl of six years, became apparent; for he instantly +announced his engagement to a fashionable widow, who lacked money +if not experience, and who needed the one as much as he had a super- +abundance of the other. He made a fairly liberal allowance for +his child and its mother, and since this was paid monthly through +our office, I had an opportunity of making their acquaintance; and +I confess that I had no sooner done so than I began to have a sort +of regret for my own part in the transaction. For Mrs. Dillingham +--Hawkins, or whatever she was--proved to be a rather sweet-faced +young woman, with great, sad blue eyes and a winsomely childish +innocence of expression that concealed, as I afterward found out, +a will of iron and a heart full of courage. + +She used to come and wait for Gottlieb or me to pay over her money, +and while she waited she would sit there so helplessly, looking +withal so lovely, that the clerks cannot be blamed for having talked +to her. Incidentally she extracted from the susceptible Cohen +various trifles in the way of information which later proved highly +inconvenient. Yet she never asked me or my partner any questions +or showed the slightest resentment at the part we had played as +her husband's attorneys in ruining her life. Sometimes she brought +the little girl with her and I marvelled that Dillingham could have +sacrificed such a charming little daughter so easily. + +Six months passed and the Dillingham scandal ceased to be a matter +of public or even of private interest. Other affairs, equally +profitable, engaged our attention, and the waiter, Hawkins, having +received a substantial honorarium from the firm's bank account, +had passed completely out of our minds. I had that winter been +giving a series of dinners at my house to actor clients and their +managers, and these had proved conspicuously successful for the +reason that my guests were of the sort who, after the wine had +begun to flow, had no hesitation in entertaining the rest of the +company by an exhibition of their talents. Occasionally, as part +of the fun, I would do a bit of a turn myself by way of reviving +old memories of the Cock and Spur and my Athenaeum days in Boston. + +It was on one of these festive occasions--not unlike, my readers +may recall, my famous translation from college during my banquet +at the Cambridge Tavern--that Fate struck me my first severe blow. +My guests were still sitting at table while one of the ladies +executed a fantastic dance amid the wine-glasses, when my butler +touched me upon the arm and whispered that Mr. Gottlieb was outside +and desired to see me on urgent business. Excusing myself, I +hurried out, greeting my partner rather impatiently, as I disliked +to be interrupted by business details in my hours of relaxation; +but one sight of his weazened little hawk face sufficed to tell me +that no trifling matter was at stake. He was in his day clothes, +which were even more than ordinarily dishevelled, and his face, +usually pale, was chalklike. + +"Quibble," he cried in a rasping voice as soon as my man had gone, +"our luck's turned! That woman has tricked us. She and Bunce went +down to Crookshank's office and, under the pretext of looking for +some deed or release, went through his papers and turned up some +letters from Hawkins in regard to the original divorce proceedings. +They've got one in which he admits being served by Bunce in the +Astor House and asks Crookshank to appear for him. They've got +another, written after Dillingham had fixed him, telling Crookshank +to put in no defence. Yesterday she and Bunce went before the +grand jury, who returned an indictment against Hawkins for perjury. +Then she telegraphed him to come on to New York and meet her to +arrange some money matters; and when he stepped off the train this +afternoon he was arrested and taken to police head-quarters." + +"My God!" I cried, turning quite faint. "What's to be done?" + +"Get him out of the way as soon as possible!" answered Gottlieb, +his lips trembling. "To-morrow morning he will be arraigned in +the General Sessions. They are going to ask for fifty thousand +dollars bail. We've got to have it. It's the only thing that +stands between us and State prison, for they've got the goods on +Hawkins and unless we see him safe he'll turn on us and help them +send us up!" + +"Have you seen him?" I gasped. + +"I've just come from head-quarters," he answered. "The fool had +been drinking and had given up a lot of information already. So +I frightened him until he agreed to shut up. They trouble is we +gave him too much money. He says now that unless we protect him +and keep him out of State prison he will give up the whole game to +the district attorney. That would be fun, wouldn't it? The district +attorney wouldn't waste much time on Arthur P. Hawkins if he could +land Gottlieb & Quibble in jail for subornation of perjury, would +he--eh? We've got to scratch gravel--and quick too!" + +"But where can we raise fifty thousand dollars?" I groaned +helplessly. + +"Dillingham," he retorted without hesitation. "He's our only hope. +He's in as bad as the rest of us. If we go we can pull him along +too. I understand that the woman is prepared to swear not only +that Hawkins admitted to her that he was properly served, but that +she told this to Dillingham, and that he and Hawkins talked the +thing over in her presence. Besides, Cohen confessed to me to-day +that she had pumped him all about Hawkins's coming over to New York +and signing papers; and, although he swears he didn't tell her +anything in particular, yet I don't trust the idiot. No, Quib; +it's bad business and we've got to get Hawkins out of the way at +any cost." + +It was not until nearly three o'clock in the morning that I discovered +Dillingham's whereabouts, which happened to be at the Fifth Avenue +house of a fashionable friend, where he was playing draw poker. +He greeted me in much the same inhospitable fashion that I had +accorded to Gottlieb, but only a few words were needed to convince +him of the gravity of the case. I had never loathed the man more +than I did at that instant when, with a cigar stuffed in his fat +face, he came out of the card-room, dressed in his white waistcoat +and pearl studs, and with a half-drunken leer asked what I wanted. + +"I want fifty thousand dollars to keep you and me out of State +prison!" I cried. + +He turned a sickly yellow and gave a sort of choking gasp. + +"Hawkins!" he muttered. "Damn him!" + +Then Dillingham had a sort of fit, due no doubt partly to the fact +that he had drunk more champagne than was good for him; for he +trembled with a kind of ague and then broke out in a sweat and +blubbered, and uttered incoherent oaths, until I was half beside +myself lest he should keep it up all night and I should not get +the money from him. But at last he regained control of himself +and promised to borrow the fifty thousand dollars the first thing +in the morning and to have it at my office at ten o'clock. Yet, +as I bade him good night, he had another turn of terror and his +teeth chattered in his head as he stammered out that he was a ruined +man, that he had cast off a good wife for a deceitful hussy who +only wanted his money, that he had lost his child, that now his +career was over, and that, unless I stood by him, he would end his +days in prison. This was hardly the sort of encouragement I wanted; +and though his words brought the cold sweat out upon my back, I +told him pretty sharply that he had better pull himself together +and not be any more of a fool than he could help, that all we needed +was enough money to whip Hawkins out of the way, and that if he +would "come up" with the needful we would look out for him. I left +him a disgusting sight, sitting in a red plush armchair, with his +face in his hands, his hair streaking down across his forehead, +moaning and mumbling to himself. + +Outside, the city slept the prenatal sleep of dawn. A pale greenish +veil hung over the roofs, through which day must peer before +awakening those who slept beneath. I had often noticed this greenish +color in the sky, made doubtless by the flare of gas and electricity +against the blue-black zenith, yet never before had I felt its +depressing character. It was the green of jealousy, of disappointment, +of envy, hatred, and malice and all uncharitableness! The city +trembled in its sleep and the throbbing of its mighty pulse beat +evilly upon my ears with distant hostile rumblings. I was alone +in it and in danger. Disaster and ruin were looking for me around +the corner. I was like a child, helpless and homeless. I could +not call upon God, for I did not believe in Him. + +It came home to me, as I stood there in the night upon the open +street, that there was not one soul among all the city's sleeping +millions who owed me aught but harm, and that even those who had +drunk the wine of my hospitality had done so more in fear than in +friendship. I had no friends but those who were bound to me in +some devil's bargain--no kith, no kin, nor the memory of a mother's +love. As I lingered there, like some outcast beast waiting for +day to drive me to my lair, I envied, with a fierce hatred and with +a bitter and passionate pity for myself, those to whom Fate had +been more kind and given home and wife and children, or at least +the affection of their fellow men, and I envied the lads I had +known in college who led clean lives and who had shunned me--they +knew not why--and the happy-go-lucky Quirk and his busy wife; and +even old Tuckerman Toddleham, in his dingy office in Barristers' +Hall. + + +CHAPTER IX + +Daybreak found me still wandering in the streets, haunted by the +fear that the police might already be upon my track and furious at +the thought that one foolish step should have changed me from a +prosperous and powerful member of the bar into a fugitive. Often +in earlier days I had pitied the wretches who would come slinking +into our office after nightfall, empty their pockets of gold and +notes--taken often, no doubt, by force or fraud from others--and +pour it out before us, begging for our aid to save them from +punishment. It seemed incredible to me that human beings should +have staked their liberty and often their lives for a few wretched +dollars. Outcasts, they skulked through existence, forced, once +they had begun, to go on and on committing crimes--on the one hand +to live, and on the other to pay tribute to Gottlieb and myself, +who alone stood between them and jail. How they had cringed to +us. We were their masters, cracking the lash of blackmail across +their shoulders and sharing equally, if invisibly, in their crimes! +And how I had scorned them--fools, as they seemed to me, to take +such desperate chances! Yet, as the sun rose, I now saw myself as +one of the beings whom I had so despised. We were no longer their +masters--they were our masters! Hawkins had us in his power. He +alone could prevent us from donning prison stripes. + +Already the streets were beginning to stir. Wagons rumbled along +the pavements. Streams of people emerged from the caverns of the +east and trudged westward across the city. I circled the square +and entered it from the lower side. My big brick mansion, with +its stone trimmings--the home where I had held my revels and +entertained my friends, where I had worked and slept--was but a +stone's throw away. I strained my eyes to detect any signs of the +police; but the street was empty. Then, pulling my hat down upon +my head, I turned up my coat-collar and, glancing from side to +side, hurried across the square and let myself in. + +The household still slept. The air was close and heavy with the +perfume of roses and the reek of dead cigars. On the floor of the +entrance hall lay a pair of woman's white gloves, palms upward. +Beyond, through the open doors of the dining-room, I could see the +uncleared table, littered over with half-empty bottles and glasses. +An upset chair reclined as it had fallen. Last night I had been +an envied host; to-day I was an outcast. + +As I stood there, a shadow darkened the doorway and with a leap of +the heart I jumped behind a portiere. Then, as the shadow remained +and knowing that in any event I was trapped, I threw open the door. +Gottlieb, with wild eyes peering out of a haggard face, stood before +me. Without a moment's hesitation, he dodged inside. + +"Did you get it?" he almost shrieked. + +"Yes," I answered faintly. "What are we to do?" + +"For God's sake give me something to drink!" he cried. "I need it!" + +I led him to the sideboard and filled two glasses with whiskey. + +"Here's to crime!" I muttered, with a bitter laugh. + +Gottlieb shot a fierce look at me and his hand shook so that I +thought he would drop the tumbler; but he poured the liquor down +his throat and threw himself into a chair. + +"That fellow has us by the throat!" he groaned. + +"We should have thought of that--" I began. + +"Stop!" he gasped. "You can hold a post-mortem later on. They +haven't got us yet--and, by God! we've a long start. Once let us +whip Hawkins out of the way and they're helpless! I must stay here +to fight the case, but you, Quib, must take this fellow where +they'll never find him--Africa, Alaska, Europe--anywhere! If you +could drop him over a precipice or off an ocean liner--so much the +better!" + +For an instant we eyed each other keenly. Then I shook my head. + +"No," said I. "If it came to that I'd rather go to jail." + +It was now nearly seven o'clock and I felt faint for something to +eat; so I stumbled upstairs and awakened my butler, who stared at +me stupidly when he saw me beside his bed in evening dress. When +I rejoined Gottlieb I found him examining the morning paper, which +a boy had just brought to the front door. Across the front page +in double-leaded type was printed: + +THE DILLINGHAM DIVORCE AGAIN + +Arthur P. Hawkins Indicted for Perjury + +Extraordinary Disclosures Expected + +Two Prominent Criminal Attorneys Said to be Involved + +"They've raised the hue and cry already!" muttered my partner, +pointing to the paper. "Damn them! How ready they are to turn on +a man! Think of all the stories I've given to these very papers! +Stories worth thousands of dollars to 'em! And now--they're after +our hearts' blood!" + +While we were waiting for our breakfast he outlined his plan. We +were to get Hawkins out of town as soon as we had given bail for +him. Of course the railroads and ferries would be watched, but we +could manage somehow. I must take the fellow where nobody would +find him and keep him there. If he ever were brought back and +convicted he would turn on us like a snake. Only while he still +hoped to escape prison could we count on his co-operation. Meanwhile +my partner would remain in the city and try to upset the indictment. +Anyhow, some one must stand guard over Dillingham; for, if he lost +his nerve and endeavored to save himself by confessing his part in +the affair, we would be lost! + +Gloomily we ate a few pieces of toast and swallowed our coffee. +Then I hastily changed my clothes and accompanied Gottlieb to the +Tombs, to which Hawkins had been transferred the night before. He +was brought down to us in the counsel-room, looking like a scared +and sickly ghost. What little spirit he had before had already +vanished. I have never seen a more wretched human creature. His +one dread was of going to prison; and together we hastened to +convince him that his only avenue of escape lay through us. We +pointed out to him that so long as he stuck to the story we should +prepare for him he had nothing to fear; and, as evidence of our +power to protect him, we instanced the fact that we had already +secured fifty thousand dollars' cash bail for him. At this he took +much heart, and even whistled a bit and begged us for a drink, but +we slapped him on the back and told him that he could have anything +he wanted once he was outside the Tombs--not before; so he gave us +a cold, slimy hand and promised to do precisely as we wished. + +Ten-thirty came and we both walked across to Part One of the General +Sessions, where for so many years we had been monarchs of all we +surveyed. A great throng filled the room and many reporters +clustered around the tables by the rail, while at the head of a +long line of waiting prisoners stood the bedraggled Hawkins. +Presently the judge came in and took his seat and the spectators +surged forward so that the officers had difficulty in preserving +order. Somehow, it seemed almost as if we were being arraigned +ourselves--not appearing as counsel for another; but Gottlieb +preserved his composure admirably and, when Hawkins's name was +called, stepped forward, entered a plea of not guilty for him and +gave bail. We had already deposited the money with the city +chamberlain and Hawkins was immediately discharged, pending his +trial for perjury; but the tremendous sum demanded as security and +the fact that it was immediately forthcoming for a prisoner who +looked as if he had not a cent in the world of his own, and who +was known to be a mere waiter in a restaurant, caused a sensation +throughout the court-room; and as we forced our way to the street +we were accompanied by a multitude, who jeered at the defendant +and occasionally took a fling at Gottlieb and myself. We still, +however, were persons to be feared, and few dared venture beyond +making suggestive allusions to our obvious desire to secure the +immediate liberty of our client. + +So far we had no reason to believe that the district attorney--a +man of high integrity and unrelenting zeal in the discharge of his +official duties--had sought to tamper with Hawkins; but I instinctively +felt that, once he had an opportunity to offer the latter personal +immunity in return for a confession which would implicate Gottlieb +and myself all would be over. As my partner had said, there was +only one thing to do--and that was to put it out of our client's +power to do us harm. The first step in this direction was to get +him hopelessly drunk, and this we successfully did in a back room +of our office. + +Both of us knew that a dozen pairs of eyes were watching the entrance +of the old-fashioned building in which our rooms were located, and +that any attempt on our part to get Hawkins out of the city would +result in his immediate arrest. Once he were sent back to the +Tombs he would be out of our control. So, for three days, we kept +him--a foul, unwashed, maudlin thing--a practical prisoner, although +from his condition quite unconscious of it. Day and night, turn +and turn about, Gottlieb and I watched while he snored and gibbered, +cursed and giggled; but the strain was getting too much for both +of us and we set ourselves at work to devise a way to spirit him +away. + +Our offices were situated in a block the other side of which +consisted of tenement-houses. Investigation showed that it would +be possible to get over the roofs, walk nearly the length of the +block and gain access to one of the more distant tenements through +a skylight. For the sum of fifty dollars we found an Italian fruit- +dealer who was willing to hire himself, his rickety wagon, and his +spavined horse for our enterprise; and he agreed to carry Hawkins +concealed under piles of produce to a point on Long Island, where +we could take a ferry across to one of the Connecticut towns. + +The following night we arranged that a hack should be drawn up +early in the evening in front of the entrance to the office, and +bags and boxes were brought out and piled upon the seat beside the +driver. We then half dragged, half lifted Hawkins up the stairs +and on the roof by means of a shaky ladder and conducted him across +the leads to the scuttle of the tenement-house. At this juncture, +by prearrangement, three of our clerks, one of whom somewhat +resembled Hawkins in size and who was arrayed in the latter's coat +and hat, rushed out of the office and climbed into the hack, which +at once set off at a furious gallop up Centre Street. Coincidentally +Gottlieb and I escorted our still maudlin prisoner down the narrow +stairs at the other end of the block and cajoled him into getting +into a sack, which the Italian placed in the bottom of the cart +and covered with greens. I now put on a disguise, consisting of +a laborer's overalls and tattered cap, while Gottlieb wheeled out +a safety bicycle which had been carefully concealed in the basement. + +I had ten thousand dollars in the pocket of my ragged trousers and +a forty-four-calibre revolver at my hip. Gottlieb drew me back +into the shadow and whispered harshly in my ear. + +"Quib," said he, "this fellow must never come back!--do you +understand? Once the district attorney gets hold of him, it's all +up with us! It's Sing Sing for each of us--ten years of it! For +God's sake, hire somebody to put him out of the way!--quietly. +Many a man would take him off our hands for a thousand or so." + +I shuddered at the cold-blooded suggestion, yet I did not utter +one word of refusal, and must have led Gottlieb to believe that I +was of a mind with him, for he slapped me on the shoulder and bade +me good luck. Good luck! Was ever a man of decent birth and +education forced upon such an errand? The convoying of a drunken +criminal to--where? I knew not--somewhere whence he could not +return. + +Thus I set forth into the night upon my bicycle, my money bulging +in my pocket, my pistol knocking against the seat at every turn of +the wheel, my trousers catching and tearing in the pedals. At last +I crossed the bridge and turned into the wastes of Queens. Gas- +houses, factories, and rotting buildings loomed black and weird +against the sky. I pedaled on and at last found myself upon a +country road. I dared not ask my way, but luckily I had stumbled +upon the highway to Port Washington, whence there was a ferry to +the Connecticut shore. As I stole along in the darkness, my ear +caught far ahead a voice roaring out a ribald song--and I knew that +the time had come to take personal charge of my wretched client-- +the "old man of the sea" that my own stupidity had seated upon my +shoulders. Soon I overtook them, the Italian stolidly driving his +weary horse and Hawkins sitting beside him with the sack wrapped +around his shoulders. I halted them, threw my bicycle in among +the vegetables, and climbed up to where they sat. Hawkins gave a +great shout of laughter when he saw who it was and threw his arm +around my neck, but I pushed him away and he nearly fell under the +wheels. My gorge rose at him! Yet to him I was shackled as tightly +as ever a criminal was to his keeper! + +The thought of the remainder of that night and of the ensuing three +days and nights sickens me even now. In the early dawn we crossed +the ferry with dozens of other produce-laden wagons and landed on +the opposite side of the Sound, where we caught a local train for +Hartford. I had made no arrangements for communicating with +Gottlieb, and was in utter ignorance of whether or not our escape +had been discovered. We sat in the smoking-car, Hawkins by this +time ill and peevish. The air was stifling, yet I could not, +arrayed as I was or in the company of my client, go into the regular +passenger coach. At Hartford we changed for Springfield and I +purchased a New York paper. There was nothing in it relating to +the case and I breathed more easily; but, once in Springfield, I +knew not which way to turn, and Hawkins by this time was crazy for +drink and refusing to go farther. I gave him enough liquor to keep +him quiet and thrust him on a way train for Worcester. Already I +had exhausted my small bills and when I tried to cash one for a +hundred dollars the ticket agent in the station eyed me with +suspicion. + +That night we slept in a single bed, Hawkins and I, in a cheap +lodging-house--that is, _he_ slept a sordid, drunken sleep, while +I lay tossing and cursing my fate until, burning with fever, I rose +and drained part of the water in the pitcher. Yet, in the early +morning hours there came to me the first ray of hope throughout +that dreary space since I had left New York--the Quirks! The +Quirks! Twenty years had passed since I had heard from them. They +might be dead and gone long ago without my knowing it; yet, were +they alive, I felt that one or other of them would hold out a +friendly hand for auld lang syne. Before daybreak, I stole forth, +hired a horse and buggy, asked the way to Methuen and, rousing +Hawkins, bundled him, whining and fretting, into it. + +Slowly we drove in the growing light through the country lanes I +had known and loved so well as a lad--the farmland which was the +only friendly thing in my disconsolate boyhood. It was in the +early spring and the apple-trees along the stone walls by the +roadside were showered with clustering blossoms. Dandelions +sprinkled the fields. The cloud shadows slowly moved across rich +pastures of delicate green. A sun-warmed, perfume-laden breeze +blew from the east, tinged with a keen edge that sent the blood +leaping in my temples. Tiny pools stood in the ruts glinting blue +toward the sky. The old horse plodded slowly on and the robins +called among the elms that stood arching over white farm-houses +with blinds, some blue, some green. + +With a harrowing sense of helplessness, the realization of what I +had thrown away of life swept over me. I turned from the sodden +creature beside me in disgust. Hawkins had slumped back in his +seat, so that his head rested upon the hood, and had fallen sound +asleep, with his mouth wide open. How I wished that I had the +courage to strangle him--and then it came to me that, after all, +it was not he who had ruined me, but I who had ruined him! + +About noontime we came to a landscape that seemed familiar to me, +although more heavily wooded and with many more farms than I +remembered; and at a turn in the road I recognized a couple of huge +elms that marked the site of the homestead occupied in my boyhood +by the Quirks. There was the brook, the maple grove upon the hill, +the old stile by the pasture, and the long stone wall beside the +apple orchard, radiant with white. Yet the house seemed to have +vanished. My heart sank, for somehow I had assumed that the Quirks +must still be living, just as they had always lived. And now, as +we drew near the turn, I saw that the place where the homestead +had stood was empty, and all that remained was a heap of blackened +stone and brick thickly overgrown with brambles. + +Fifty yards farther down the road we came upon an old man sitting +on the fence, smoking a pipe. He wore a tattered old brown felt +hat and overalls, and his long gray hair and beard were tangled +and unkempt. I passed the time of day and he answered me civilly +enough, although vacantly; and I saw that his eye had the red film +of the drunkard. When I asked him for Quirk, the schoolmaster, +who used to live thereabout he gave a mirthless chuckle. + +"My name's Quirk," said he; "but it's fifteen years since I taught +school. How did you come to know of me?" + +Could this be Quirk--this aged and decrepit old man! Somewhere +beneath that mat of hair and beard, did there remain traces of +those good-natured lineaments that were wont to set the boys in a +roar? I scanned his face closely. The man was a stranger to my +recollection. + +"Do you remember me, Mr. Quirk?" I asked. + +He peered out at me under his bushy brows and slowly removed his +pipe. + +"Not to my knowledge," he answered. "What might be your name?" + +"Quibble," I returned--"Artemas Quibble." + +"Artemas Quibble!" he exclaimed in a faltering voice and feebly +crawled over to the buggy. + +I climbed down to meet him and extended my hand. + +"What has happened to you?" he stammered. "I thought you were a +great lawyer in New York." + +"I'm in a peck of trouble," I answered. "I need all the friends +I've got. I hope you're still one of them?" + +"Well, well!" he muttered. "And to think that you're Artie Quibble! +And who may this be?" pointing to Hawkins. + +"I'll tell you all," said I, "later on. For the present, he's a +friend of mine who's travelling with me--more on business than on +pleasure." + +Quirk's story was soon told. As I already expected, drink had +become his master. The school had fallen away, his wife had died, +and in a fit of despondency he had--he said accidentally, but I +believe intentionally--overturned a lamp and set fire to the house. +Now he lodged in a small hotel farther down the road, living from +hand to mouth, and doing a day's work here and there when chance +offered. I gave him fifty dollars and bade him good-bye, for he +had no accommodations to offer us even had I been able to induce +Hawkins to remain there. Thus I realized that the only refuge I +ever had from the outside world, the only real home I had ever +known, was gone. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to deposit my evil +load. + +We drove on for a space, and now Hawkins awoke and began to clamor +for food. Where was I taking him? he demanded to know. And why +was I togged out like a bricklayer? He announced that he had had +enough of this kind of travelling and insisted on going to a hotel +and having a decent meal. I tried to reason with him and explained +that it was only for a day or so, and that presumably we would go +to Boston or some other city, where he should have everything that +money could buy. But he leered at me and said he had plenty of +promises already; that we had promised him that he would get into +no trouble if he signed his original affidavit, and that, unless +he were treated like a gentleman, he would go back to New York and +get other lawyers. He must have seen me turn white at his threat, +for from that moment he held it over me, constantly repeating it +and insinuating that I was not so anxious to save him as to save +myself, which, alas! I could not gainsay. + +Soon we came to a small town and here Hawkins flatly refused to go +any farther. There was a hotel on the main street, and the fellow +clambered out of the buggy and staggered into the bar and called +loudly for whiskey. There was nothing for it but to put up the +horse in the stable and do as my prisoner demanded. So we had +dinner together, Hawkins talking in a loud, thick voice that made +the waitresses and other guests stare at him and me as if we were +some sort of outlandish folk; and after the meal was over he dragged +me to the nearest clothier and ordered new ready-made suits for +both of us. He had now imbibed much more than was good for him; +and when I took out my roll of bills to pay for what we had bought +he snatched it out of my hand and refused to give it back. For a +moment I almost surrendered myself to despair. I had had no sleep +for two nights, I was overwhelmed with mortification and disgust, +and here I was in a country store pranked out like a popinjay, the +keeper of a half-crazy wretch who made me dance to any tune he +chose to pipe; but I pulled myself together and cajoled Hawkins +into leaving the place and giving me back a small part of the money. + +There was a train just leaving for Boston and my companion insisted +upon taking it, saying that he proposed to spend the money that +Dillingham had so kindly furnished him with. I never knew how he +discovered the part Dillingham was playing in this strange drama; +but if no one told him, he at any rate divined it somehow, and from +this moment he assumed the lead and directed all our movements. +It is true that I persuaded him to go to one of the smaller and +less conspicuous hotels, but he at once sent for another tailor, +ordered an elaborate meal for supper, with champagne, and procured +a box at one of the theatres, whither I was obliged to escort him. +Neither would he longer permit me to occupy the same room with him +--precious privilege!--but engaged a palatial suite for himself, +with a parlor, while I had a small and modest room farther down +the hall. In some respects this suited me well, however, since I +was now able to induce him to have his meals served upstairs. Yet +I began to see the foolishness of thinking that we could elude the +police should they set out to seek seriously for us, since, apart +from changing our names, we were making no effort at disguising +ourselves. + +The day after our arrival, Hawkins slept late and I slipped out +about ten o'clock and wandering aimlessly came to Barristers' Hall, +where twenty years before old Tuckerman Toddleham had his office. +The day was warm and humid, like that upon which so long ago I had +visited the old lawyer when a student at Harvard and had received +from him my sentence. Even as then, some birds were twittering +around the stone window-ledges. An impulse that at the moment was +beyond my control led me up the narrow, dingy stairs to the landing +where the lawyer's office had been. A green-baize door, likely +enough the same one, still hung there--where the lawyer's office +had been. Naught about the room was altered. There were the +bookcases, with their glass doors and green-silk curtains; the +threadbare carpet, the portrait of the Honorable Jeremiah Mason +over the fireplace; the old mahogany desk; the little bronze paper- +weight in the shape of a horse; the books, brown and faded with +years; and at the desk--I brushed my hand across my eyes--at the +desk sat old Tuckerman Toddleham himself! + +For the first time in my entire existence, so far as I can now +remember, I was totally nonplussed and abashed. I could not have +been more astonished had I walked into the family lot in the Salem +cemetery and found my grandfather sitting on his own tombstone; +but there the old lawyer surely was, as certainly as he had been +there twenty years before; and the same sensations that I had always +experienced as a child while in his presence now swept over me and +made me feel like a whipped school-boy. Not for the world would +I have had him see me and be forced to answer his questions as to +my business in the city of Boston; so, holding my breath, I tiptoed +out of the door, and the last vision I ever had of him was as he +sat there absorbed in some legal problem, bending over his books, +the sunlight flooding the mote-filled air of the dusty office, the +little bronze horse standing before him on the desk and the branches +of the trees outside casting flickering shadows upon the walls and +bookcases. Canny old man! He had never put his neck in a noose! +I envied him his quiet life among his books and the well-deserved +respect and honor that the world accorded him. + +Ruminating in this strain, I threaded my way through the crowd in +Court Street, and was about to return to my hotel, when to my utter +horror I beheld Hawkins, in all his regalia, being marched down +the hill between two business-like-looking persons, who were +unmistakably officers of police. He walked dejectedly and had lost +all his bravado. There was no blinking the fact that in my absence +he had managed somehow to stumble into the hands of the guardians +of the law and was now in process of being transported back to New +York. + +For a moment my circulation stopped abruptly and a clammy moisture +broke out upon my back and forehead. Unostentatiously I slipped +into a cigar store and allowed the trio to pass me by. So the jig +was up! Back I must go, after my fruitless nightmare with the +wretch, to consult with my partner as to what was now to be done. +I reached the city late that evening, but not before I had read in +the evening papers a full account of the apprehension of the +fugitive, including my own part in the escape; and it now appeared +that the police had been fully cognizant of all our doings, including +the manner of our abduction of Hawkins from our office. They had, +under the instructions of the district attorney, simply permitted +us to carry out our plan in order to use the same as evidence +against us at the proper time, and had followed us every step of +the way to Worcester and on our drive to Methuen. + +My heart almost failed me as I thought of how foolish I had been +to undertake this desperate journey myself, instead of sending some +one in my place for by so doing I had stamped myself as vitally +interested in my client's escape. Fearful to go to my own home, +lest I should find myself in the hands of the police, I spent the +night in a lodging-house on the water-front, wondering whether +Hawkins had already made his confession to the district attorney +in return for a promise of immunity; for I well knew that such a +promise would be forthcoming and that Hawkins was the last man in +the world to neglect the opportunity to save himself at our expense. + +Next morning I telephoned Gottlieb and met him by appointment at +a hotel, where we had a heated colloquy, in which he seemed to +think that I was totally to blame for the failure of our attempt. +He was hardly himself, so worn out was he with anxiety, not having +heard from me until he had read of Hawkins's apprehension in Boston; +but, now that I was able to talk things over with him, we agreed +that any effort to spirit our client away would have been equally +unsuccessful, and that the one course remaining for us to pursue +was to put on as bold a front as possible and let the law take its +course. It was equally useless for us to try to conceal our own +whereabouts, for all our movements were undoubtedly watched; and +the best thing to do, it seemed to us, was to go as usual to our +office and to act as nearly as possible as if nothing had happened. + +We were not mistaken as to the intended course of the district +attorney; for, when we visited the Tombs for the purpose of +interviewing Hawkins, we were informed by the warden that he had +obtained other counsel and that our services were no longer required. +This was an indisputable indication that he had gone over to the +enemy; and we at once began to take such steps as lay in our power +to prepare for our defence in case an indictment was found against +us. And now we were treated to a dose of the medicine we had +customarily administered to our own clients; for, when we tried to +secure counsel, we found that one and all insisted upon our paying +over in advance even greater fees as retainers than those which we +had demanded in like cases. I had never taken the trouble to lay +by anything, since I had always had all the ready cash I needed. +Gottlieb was in the same predicament, and in our distress we called +upon Dillingham to furnish us with the necessary amount; but, to +our amazement and horror, our erstwhile client refused to see us +or come to our office, and we definitely realized that he, too, +had sought safety in confession and would be used by the prosecution +in its effort to place the crime of perjury at our door. + +From the moment of Hawkins's arrest the tide turned against us. +There seemed to be a general understanding throughout the city that +the district attorney intended to make an example in our case, and +to show that it was quite as possible to convict a member of the +bar as any one else. He certainly gave us no loophole of escape, +for he secured every witness that by any possibility we might have +called to our aid, and even descended upon our office with a search- +warrant in his effort to secure evidence against us. Luckily, +however, Gottlieb and I had made a practice of keeping no papers +and had carefully burned everything relating to the Dillingham case +before I had left the city. + +The press preserved a singular and ominous silence in regard to +us, which lasted until one morning when a couple of officers appeared +with bench-warrants for our arrest. We had already made arrangements +for bail in the largest amount and had secured the services of the +ablest criminal attorneys we knew, so that we were speedily released; +but, with the return of our indictments charging us with suborning +the testimony of Hawkins, the papers began a regular crusade against +us. The evening edition carried spectacular front-page stories +recounting my flight to Boston, the entire history of the Dillingham +divorce, biographies of both Gottlieb and myself, and anecdotes of +cases in which we had appeared and notorious criminals whom we had +defended. And in all this storm of abuse and incrimination which +now burst over our heads not a single world appeared in mitigation +of our alleged offence. + +It seemed as if the entire city had determined to wreak vengeance +upon us for all the misdeeds of the entire criminal bar. Even our +old clients, and the police and court officers who had drawn pay +from us, seemed to rejoice in our downfall. Every man's hand was +against us. The hue and cry had been raised and we were to be +harried out of town and into prison. At every turn we were forced +to pay out large sums to secure the slightest assistance; our clerks +and employees refused longer to work for us, and groups of loiterers +gathered about the office and pointed to the windows. Our lives +became a veritable hell, and I longed for the time when the anxiety +should be over and I should know whether the public clamor for a +victim were to be satisfied. + +Gottlieb and the lawyers fought stubbornly every inch of the defence. +First, they attacked the validity of the proceedings, entered +demurrers, and made motions to dismiss the indictments. These +matters took a month or two to decide. Then came motions for a +change of venue, appeals from the decisions against us to the +Appellate Division, and other technical delays; so that four months +passed before, at last, we were forced to go to trial. By this +time my health had suffered; and when I looked at myself in the +glass I was shocked to find how gaunt and hollow-cheeked I had +grown. My hair, which had up to this time been dark brown, had in +a brief space turned quite gray over my ears, and whatever of good +looks I had ever possessed had vanished utterly. Gottlieb, too, +had altered from a jovial, sleek-looking fellow into a nervous, +worried, ratlike little man. My creditors pressed me for their +money and I was forced to close my house and live at a small hotel. +The misery of those days is something I do not care to recall. We +were both of us stripped, as it were, of everything at once--money, +friends, health, and position; for we were the jest and laughing- +stock of the very criminals who had before our downfall been our +clients and crowded our office in their eagerness to secure our +erstwhile powerful assistance. Our day was over! + +It was useless to try to escape from the meshes of the net drawn +so tightly around us. Even if we could have forfeited our heavy +bail--which would have been an impossibility, owing to the watchfulness +of our bondsman--we could never have eluded the detectives who now +dogged our footsteps. We were marked men. Everywhere we were +pointed out and made the objects of comment and half-concealed +abuse. The final straw was when the district attorney, in his +anxiety lest we should slip through his fingers, caused our re- +arrest on a trumped-up charge that we were planning to leave the +city, and we were thrown into the Tombs, being unable to secure +the increased bail which he demanded. Here we had the pleasure of +having Hawkins leer down at us from the tier of cells above, and +here we suffered the torments of the damned at the hands of our +fellow prisoners, who, to a man, made it their daily business and +pleasure to render our lives miserable. Gottlieb wasted away to +a mere shadow and I became seriously ill from the suffocating heat +and loathsome food, for it was now midsummer and the Tombs was +crowded with prisoners waiting until the courts should open in the +autumn to be tried. + +We were called to the bar together--Gottlieb and I--to answer to +the charge against us in the very court-room where my partner had +won so many forensic victories and secured the acquittal of so many +clients more fortunate than he. From the outset of the case +everything went against us; and it seemed as if judge, prosecutor, +and jury were united in a conspiracy to deprive us of our rights +and to railroad us to prison. Even when impaneling the jury, I +was amazed to find the prejudice against criminal lawyers in general +and ourselves in particular; for almost every other talesman swore +that he was so fixed in his opinion as to our guilt that it would +be impossible to give us a fair trial. + +At last, however, after several days a jury of twelve hard-faced +citizens was sworn who asserted that they had no bias against us +and could give us a fair trial and the benefit of every reasonable +doubt. Fair trial, indeed! We were convicted before the first +witness was sworn! Convicted by the press, the public, and the +atmosphere that had been stirred up against us during the preceding +months. And yet, one satisfaction remained to me, and that was +the sight of Hawkins and Dillingham on the grill under the cross- +examination of our attorneys. Dillingham particularly was a pitiable +object, shaking and sweating upon the witness chair, and forced to +admit that he had paid Gottlieb and me thirty-five thousand dollars +to get him an annulment so that he could marry the woman with whom +he was now living. The court-room was jammed to the doors with a +curious crowd, anxious to see Gottlieb and me on trial and to learn +the nature of the evidence against us; and when our client left +the stand--a pitiful, wilted human creature--and crawled out of +the room, a jeering throng followed him downstairs and out into +the street. + +The actual giving of evidence occupied but two days, the chief +witness next to Hawkins being the clerk who swore the latter to +his affidavit in my office. This treacherous rascal not only +testified that Hawkins took his oath to the contents of the paper, +but at the same time had told me that it was false. The farce went +on, a mere formal giving of testimony, until at length the district +attorney announced that he had no more evidence to offer. + +"You may proceed with the defence," said the judge, turning to our +counsel. + +I looked at Gottlieb and Gottlieb looked at me. The trial had +closed so suddenly that we were taken quite unawares and left wholly +undetermined what to do. We had practically no evidence to offer +on our behalf except our own denials of the testimony against us; +and if once either of us took the stand we should open the door to +a cross-examination at the hands of the district attorney of our +entire lives. For this cross-examination he had been preparing +for months; and I well knew that there was not a single shady +transaction in which we had participated, not one attempt at +blackmail, not a crooked defence that we had interposed that he +had not investigated and stood prepared to question us about in +detail. + +"What shall we do?" whispered Gottlieb nervously. "Do you want to +take the stand?" + +"How can we?" I asked petulantly. "If we did we should be convicted +--not for this but for every other thing we ever did in our lives. +Let's take a chance and go to the jury on the case as it stands." + +After consulting with our counsel, the latter agreed that this was +the best course to pursue; and so, rising, he informed the court +that in his opinion no case had been made out against us and that +we should, therefore, interpose no defence. This announcement +caused a great stir in the court-room, and I could see by the faces +of the jury that it was all up with us. I had already surrendered +all hope of an acquittal and I looked upon the verdict of the jury +as a mere formality. + +"Proceed, then, with the summing up," ordered the judge. "I wish +the jury to take this case and finish it to-night." + +So, with that, our counsel began his argument in our behalf--a lame +and halting effort it seemed to me, for all that we had paid him +twenty-five thousand dollars for his services--pointing out how +neither Dillingham nor Hawkins was worthy of belief, and how the +case against us rested entirely upon their testimony and upon that +of the clerk, who was an insignificant and unimportant witness +injected simply for the sake of apparent corroboration. Faugh! +I have heard Gottlieb make a better address to the jury a thousand +times, and yet this man was supposed to be one of the best! Somehow +throughout the trial he had seemed to me to be ill at ease and sick +of his job, a mere puppet in the mummery going on about us; yet we +had no choice but to let him continue his ill-concealed plea for +mercy and his wretched rhetoric, until the judge stopped him and +said that his time was up. + +When the district attorney arose and the jury turned to him with +uplifted faces, then, for the first time, I realized the real +attitude of the community toward us; for in scathing terms he +denounced us both as men not merely who defended criminals but who, +in fact, created them; as plotters against the administration of +justice; as arch-crooks, who lived off the proceeds of crimes which +we devised and planned for others to execute. It was false and +unfair; but the jury believed him--I could well see that. + +"These men have made a fat living for nearly a generation in this +city by blackmail, bribery, and perjury. They have made a business +of ruining homes, reputations, and the lives of others. They have +directed the operations of organized bands of criminals. They are +the Fagins of the city of New York. Once the poor and defenceless +have fallen into their power, they have extorted tribute from them +and turned them into the paths of crime. Better that one of them +should be convicted than a thousand of the miserable wretches +ordinarily brought to the bar of justice!" + +And in this strain he went on until he had bared Gottlieb and myself +to our very souls. When he concluded there was a ripple of applause +from the spectators that the court officers made little attempt to +subdue; and the judge began his charge, which lasted but a few +minutes. What he said was fair enough, and I had no mind to quarrel +with him, although our counsel took many exceptions. The jury +retired and my partner and I were led downstairs into the prison +pen. It was crowded with miserable creatures waiting to be tried +--negroes and Sicilians, thieves and burglars--who took keen delight +in jostling us and foretelling what long sentences we were to +receive. One negro kicked me in the shins and cursed me for being +a shyster, and when I protested to the keeper he only laughed at me. + +About half an hour later an officer came to the head of the stairs +and shouted down: + +"Bring up Gottlieb and Quibble!" + +Our keeper unlocked the pen and, followed by the execrations of +our associates, we stumbled up the stairs and into the court-room. +Slowly we marched around to the bar, while every eye was fixed upon +us. The jury was already back in the box and standing to render +their decision. The clerk rapped for order and turned to the +foreman. + +"Gentlemen of the jury, have you agreed upon a verdict?" he intoned. + +"We have," answered the foreman unhesitatingly. + +"How say you, do you find the defendants guilty or not guilty?" + +"We find both of them guilty!" replied the foreman. + +A slight shiver passed through Gottlieb's little body and for a +moment the blood sang in my ears. No man can receive a verdict of +guilty unperturbed, no matter how confidently expected. The crowd +murmured their approval and the judge rapped for silence. + +"Are you ready for sentence?" asked the judge. + +We nodded. It was useless to prolong the agony. + +"I have nothing to say to you," remarked the judge, "in addition +to what the district attorney has said. He has fully expressed my +own sentiments in this case. I regard you as vampires, sucking +the blood of the weak, helpless, and criminal. Mercy would be out +of place if extended toward you. I sentence you both to the full +limit which the law allows--ten years in State's prison at hard +labor." + +An officer clapped us upon the back, faced us round toward the rear +of the court-room, and pushed us toward the door leading to the +prison pen, while another slipped a handcuff on my right wrist and +snapped its mate on Gottlieb's left. + +"Get on there," he growled, "where you belong!" + +The crowds strained to get a look at us as, with averted faces, we +trudged toward the door leading to the prison pen. Our lawyers +had already hastened away to avoid any reflected ignominy that +might attach to them. The jurymen were shaking hands with the +district attorney. + +"Adjourn court!" I heard the judge remark. + +With a whoop, the spectators in the court-room crowded upon our +heels and surged up to the grating before the door. + +"There's Gottlieb!" cried one. "The little fellow!" + +"And that's Quibble--the pale chap with the thin face!" said +another. + +"Damn you! Get out of the way!" I shouted threateningly. + +"There go the shysters!" retorted the crowd. "Sing Sing's the best +place for them!" + +The keeper opened the door and motioned back the spectators. I +staggered through, shackled to my partner and dragging him along +with me. As the door clanged to I heard some one say: + +"There goes the last of the firm of Gottlieb & Quibble!" + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Confessions of Artemas Quibble, by Arthur Train + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF ARTEMAS QUIBBLE *** + +***** This file should be named 20451.txt or 20451.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/4/5/20451/ + +Produced by an anonymous volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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