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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:28:00 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20704-8.txt b/20704-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4daa33e --- /dev/null +++ b/20704-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1423 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +January 21, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 21, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: February 27, 2007 [EBook #20704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 104. + + + + +January 21, 1893. + + + + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +THE KEEPER. + +(_With an Excursus on Beaters._) + +Of the many varieties of keeper, I propose, at present, to consider only +the average sort of keeper, who looks after a shooting, comprising +partridges, pheasants, hares, and rabbits, in an English county. Now it is +to be observed that your ordinary keeper is not a conversational animal. He +has, as a rule, too much to do to waste time in unnecessary talk. To begin +with, he has to control his staff, the men and boys who walk in line with +you through the root-fields, or beat the coverts for pheasants. That might +seem at first sight to be an easy business, but it is actually one of the +most difficult in the world. For thorough perverse stupidity, you will not +easily match the autochthonous beater. Watch him as he trudges along, slow, +expressionless, clod-resembling, lethargic, and say how you would like to +be the chief of such an army. He is always getting out of line, pressing +forward unduly, or hanging back too much, and the loud voice of the keeper +makes the woods resound with remonstrance, entreaty, and blame, hurled at +his bovine head. After lunch, it is true, the beater wakes up for a little. +Then shall you hear WILLIAM exchanging confidences from one end of the line +to the other with JARGE, while the startled pheasant rises too soon and +goes back, to the despair of the keeper and the guns. Then, too, are heard +the shouts of laughter which greet the appearance of a rabbit, and the air +is thick with the sticks that the joyous, beery beaters fling at the +scurrying form of their hereditary foe. It is marvellous to note with what +a venomous hatred the beater regards the bunny. Pheasant or partridge he is +careless of; even the hare is, in comparison, a thing of nought, but let +him once set eyes on a rabbit, and his whole being seems to change. His eye +absolutely flashes, his chest heaves with excitement beneath the ancient +piece of sacking that protects his form from thorns. If the rabbit falls to +the shot, he yells with exultation; if it be missed, an expression of +morose and gloomy disappointment settles on his face, as who should say, +"Things are played out; the world is worthless!" + +[Illustration: On their Beat.] + +All these characteristics are the keeper's despair; though, to be sure, he +has staunch lieutenants in his under-keepers; and towards the end of the +day he can always count on two sympathising allies in the postman and the +policeman. These two never fail to come out in the afternoon to join the +beaters. It is amusing to watch the demeanour of the beaters in the +policeman's presence. Some of them, it is possible, have been immeshed by +the law, and have made the constable's acquaintance in his professional +capacity. Others are conscious of undiscovered peccadilloes, or they feel +that on some future day they may be led to transgress rules, of which the +policeman is the sturdy embodiment. None of them is, therefore, quite at +his best in the policeman's presence. Their attitude may be described +as one of uneasy familiarity, bursting here and there into jocular +nervousness, but never quite attaining the rollicking point. You may +sometimes take advantage of this feeling to let off a joke on a beater. +Select a stout, plethoric one, and say to him, "Mind you keep your eye on +the policeman, or he'll poach a rabbit before you can say knife." This +simple inversion of probabilities and positions is quite certain to "go." A +hesitating smile will first creep into the corners of the beater's eye. +After an interval spent in grappling with the jest, he will become purple, +and finally he will explode. + +During the rest of the day you will hear him repeating your little +pleasantry either to himself or to his companions. You can keep it up by +saying now and then, "How many did the constable pocket that last beat?" +(_Shouts of laughter._) Thus shall your reputation as a humorist be +established amongst the beating fraternity--("that 'ere Muster JACKSON, 'e +do make a chap laugh, that 'e do," is the formula)--and if you revisit the +same shooting next year, a beater is sure to take an opportunity of saying +to you, with a grin on his face, "Policeman's a comin' out to-day, Sir; I'm +a goin' to hev my eye tight on 'im, so as 'e don't pocket no rabbits," to +which you will reply, "That's right, GEORGE, you stick to it, and you'll be +a policeman yourself some day," at which impossible anticipation there will +be fresh explosions of mirth. So easily pleased is the rustic mind, so +tenacious is the rustic memory. + +But the head-keeper recks not of these things. All the anxiety of the day +is his. If, for one reason or another, he fails to show as good a head of +game as had been expected, he knows his master will be displeased. If the +beaters prove intractable, the birds go wrong, but the burden of the host's +disappointment falls on the keeper's shoulders. His are all the petty +worries, the little failures of the day. The keeper is, therefore, not +given to conversation. How should he be, with all these responsibilities +weighing upon him? Few of those who shoot realise what the keeper has gone +through to provide the sport. Inclement nights spent in the open, untiring +vigilance by day and by night, a constant and patient care of his birds +during the worst seasons, short hours of sleep, and long hours of tramping, +such is the keeper's life. And, after all, what a fine fellow is a good +keeper. In what other race of men can you find in a higher degree the best +and manliest qualities, unswerving fidelity, dauntless courage, unflinching +endurance of hardship and fatigue, and an upright honesty of conduct and +demeanour? I protest that if ever the sport of game-shooting is attacked, +one powerful argument in its favour may be found in the fact that it +produces such men as these, and fosters their staunch virtues. Think well +of all this, my young friend, and do not vex the harassed keeper with idle +and frivolous remarks. But you may permit yourself to say to him, during +the day, "That's a nice dog of yours; works capitally." + +"Yes, Sir," the keeper will say, "he's not a bad 'un for a young 'un. +Plenty of good blood in him. His mother's old _Dido_. I've had to leave her +at home to-day, because she's got a sore foot; but her nose is something +wonderful." + +"Did you have much trouble breaking him?" + +"Lor' bless you, Sir, no. He took to it like a duck to the water. Nothing +comes amiss to him. You stand there, Sir, and you'll get some nice birds +over you. They mostly breaks this way." + +That kind of conversation establishes good relations, always an important +thing. Or you may hint to him that he knows his business better than the +host, as thus:-- + +"I must have been in the wrong place that last beat. Not a single bird came +near me." + +"Of course you were, Sir. I knew how it would be. I wanted you fifty yards +higher up, but Mr. CHALMERS, he would have you here. Lor, I've never known +birds break here. Now then, you boys, stop that chattering, or I sends you +all home. Seem to think they're out here to enjoy theirselves, instead of +doing as I tells 'em. Come, rattle your sticks!" + +Thus are the little beaters and the stops admonished. + + * * * * * + +FROM A MODERN ENGLISH EXAMINATION-PAPER + +_Which young Mr. D. Brown went in to floor, but which floored him._ + +_Question._ What is the meaning of "to deodorise." Give the derivation. + +_Answer._ "To deodorise" is to gild the statue of a heathen deity. +Literally "to gild a god." This compound verb is derived from "_Deus_," +dative "_Deo_," and the Greek verb "[Greek: dôrixô], _i.e._ to gild." + +_Q._ What is a "Manicure"? Give its derivation. + +_A._ It is another term for a Mad Doctor. Its derivation is +obvious--"Maniac Cure." The last syllable of the first word being omitted +for the sake of convenience in pronunciation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS. + +(_Mr. Punch's Dreadful New Year's Dream after a Surfeit of Mince Pies and +"Times" Correspondence._)] + + * * * * * + +THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS. + + I had a Dream, which was not all a Dream. + (By Somnus and old Nox I fear 'twas _not_!) + Common-sense was extinguished, and Good Taste + Did wonder darkling on the verge of doom. + I saw a Monster, a malign, marine, + Mysterious, many-whorled, mug-lumbering Bogey, + Stretched (like Miltonian angels on the marl) + In league-long loops upon the billowy brine. + Beshrew thee, old familiar ocean Bogey, + Thou spectral spook of many Silly Seasons, + Beshrew thee, and avaunt! Which being put + In post-Shakspearian vernacular, means + Confound, you, and Get out!!! The monstrous worm + Wriggling its corkscrew periwinkly twists + Of trunk and tail alternate, winked huge goggles + Derisively and gurgled. "_Me_ get out, + The Science-vouched, and Literature-upheld, + And Reason-rehabilitated butt + Of many years of misdirected mockery? + You ask omniscient HUXLEY, cocksure oracle + On all from protoplasm to Home Rule, + From Scripture to Sea Serpents; go consult + Belligerent, brave, beloved BILLY RUSSELL! + Verisimilitude incarnate, I + Scorn your vain sceptic mirth! + Besides, behold + The portent riding me, as Thetis rode + The lolloping, wolloping sea-horse of old! + Is it less likely that _I_ should remain + Than _she_ return?" + Then, horror-thrilled, I gazed + At her, the Abominable, the Ogreish Thing; + The soul-revolting, sense-degrading She, + Who swayed and sickened, scourged and scarified + The unwilling slaves of fashion and discomfort + A quarter of a century since! + She sat, + A spectral, scraggy, beet-nosed, ankle-less, + Obtrusive-panted, splay-foot, slattern-shape, + Of grim Medusa-faced Immodesty, + Caged cumbrously in a stiff, swaying, swollen, + Shin-scarifying, hose-revealing frame + Of wide-meshed metal, like a monster mousetrap-- + Hideous, indecent, awkward! + Oh, I knew her-- + This loathly _revenant_, revisiting + The glimpses of the moon. She shamed my sight, + And blocked my way, and marred my young men's art, + Twenty years syne and more. 'Twas CRINOLINA, + The long-abiding, happily banished horror + We hoped to see no more. _Shall_ she return + To vex our souls, unsex our wives and daughters, + And spoil our pictures as she did of old? + Forbid it, womanhood and modesty! + And if _they_ won't, let manhood and sound sense + Arise in wrath and warn the horror off, + Ere she effect a lodgment on the limbs + Of pretty girls, or clothe our matron's shapes + With shame as with a garment. + "Get thee gone!" + Cries _Punch_, and shakes his gingham in her face. + "The Silly Season's Nemesis we may stand, + But thou, the loathlier Bogey? _Garn away!_ + (As 'LIZA said to amorous 'ARRY 'AWKINS) + Avaunt, skedaddle, slope, absquatulate, + Go, gruesome ghoul--go quickly--and for ever!!!" + + * * * * * + +MRS. R.'S nephew read out an announcement to the effect that Messrs. +MACMILLAN were about to publish Lord CARNARVON'S "Prometheus Bound." +"Indeed!" exclaimed Mr. R.'s excellent aunt. "That's very vague. Doesn't it +say how it's to be bound?--whether in calf or vellum?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE." + +_Hostess._ "ER--ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE--ER--MR. CORNELIUS P. VAN DUNK, FROM +CHICAGO--MR. KEMBLE MACREADY KEAN, THE GREAT TRAGEDIAN, AND MANAGER OF THE +PARTHENON." + +_Mr. Van Dunk._ "MR. KEMBLE MACREADY KEAN! SIR, YOUR NAME'S VERY FAMILIAR +TO ME, AND I'M PROUD TO KNOW YOU!--AND I SHALL TAKE AN EARLY OPPORTUNITY OF +ASKING YOU FOR SOME ORDERS FOR YOUR THEATRE!"] + + * * * * * + +LAPSUS LINGUÆ. + + ["There is scarcely one of us who does not violate some rule of + English grammar in every sentence which he speaks."--_Daily + News._] + + + Never we dreamt of this horrible blundering! + Up to the present, we cheerfully spoke + Quite unaware of our errors, nor wondering + How many rules in each sentence we broke. + + Now we can scarcely pronounce the admission that + Grammar and parsing we freely neglect, + Scarcely can dare to make humble petition that + Someone or other will cure this defect! + + Often we err in the use of each particle, + Seldom observe where our adverbs belong, + Wholly misplace the indefinite article, + In our subjunctives go hopelessly wrong! + + What can we do? Will the _Daily News_ qualify + As an instructor in matters like these? + How can we quickest successfully mollify + Those whom our errors must sadly displease? + + Scarce can we venture the veriest platitude, + May not its grammar be shamefully weak? + You, _Mr. Punch_, can rely on our gratitude, + If you will tell us--how _ought_ we to speak? + + * * * * * + +A DARK SAYING.--Had HILDA DAWSON--who, as reported in the _D. T._ one day +last week, was haled before Sir PETER EDLIN--been a character in some play +of SHAKSPEARE'S, to whom the Bard had given these words to utter--"And this +is what you call trial by Jury! Why they are not fit to try shoemakers!" +what voluminous suggestions and explanations of the meaning of this phrase +would not the learned Commentators have written! What emendations, +alterations, or amendments of the text would not have been proposed! +Perhaps, some hundreds of years hence, this dark saying of HILDA DAWSON'S +will engage the close attention of some among the then existing learned +body of Antiquaries. + + * * * * * + +"SOUNDS RATHER LIKE IT."--In France the Ministry of Foreign Affairs has +gone to the DEVELLE. + + * * * * * + +THE HAYMARKET HYPATIA. + +That I never could struggle through CHARLES KINGSLEY'S novel _Hypatia_, is, +as far as I am personally concerned, very much in favour of my pronouncing +an unbiassed opinion on the "_new classical play_" ("Historical," if you +like, but not "classical," and there is not the slightest chance of its +becoming a "classic") written by G. STUART OGILVIE, entitled _Hypatia_, and +"_founded on_ KINGSLEY'S _celebrated Novel_," which "celebrated Novel" is, +for me at least, not only "celebrated," but "remarkable," as being one of +the very few works of fiction (excepting always the majority of KINGSLEY'S +works) completely baffling my powers of endurance. + +[Illustration: The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting. "_Heraclian_ must +win." Notice the _Rara Nativa Oysteriana Shrub_ in the background.] + +[Illustration: Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus.] + +Mr. STUART OGILVIE'S Drama may be a clever adaptation of a story difficult +to adapt; but that his play is powerfully dramatic, even when it arrives at +what, as I conceive, was intended to be its strongest dramatic situation in +the Second Scene of the Third Act, no one but an _Umbra_ (to be +"classical"), a sycophant, a "creature," or a contentious noodle, could +possibly assert. Yet, as a series of _tableaux vivants_, illustrating +scenes in the public and private life of _Issachar_ the Jew,--and that +Jew Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, so artistically made up as to be absolutely +unrecognisable by those who know him best,--the action is decidedly +interesting up to the end of the Third Act. After that, all is tumult. The +gay and seductive _Orestes_, Prefect of Alexandria (carefully played by Mr. +LEWIS WALLER) is slain, anyhow, all higgledy-piggledy, by the Jew, +_Issachar_, whose seductive daughter _Ruth_ (sweetly and gently represented +by Miss OLGA BRANDON) this gay LOTHARIO of a Prefect has contrived, not, +apparently, with any great difficulty, to lead astray, or, to put it +"classically," to seduce from the narrow path of such virtue as is common +alike to Pagan, Jew, and Christian. As for handsome _Hypatia_ herself, +magnificent though Miss JULIA NEILSON be as a classic model for a painter, +she is nowhere, dramatically, in the piece, when contrasted with the +unhappy Jewish Family of two. It is the story of _Issachar_, his daughter +and _Orestes_, that absorbs the interest; and, as to what becomes of +_Cyril_ and his Merry Monks, of _Philammon_ (which, when pronounced, sounds +like a modern Cockney-rendering of PHILIP HAMMOND, with the aspirate +omitted and the final "d" dropped), of old _Theon_ (who never appears but +he is immediately sent away again, and therefore might be termed +"_The-on-and-off-'un_"), and, finally, of even that charming specimen of a +Girton Girl-Lecturer on Philosophy _Hypatia_ herself, well--to adopt HOOD'S +couplet about the Poor in London,-- + + "Where they goes, or how they fares, Nobody knows and nobody + cares." + +The entire interest is centred in _Issachar_, and had the author devised +some strong dramatic climax (such as occurs in that play of SARDOU'S where +SARAH B. stabs PAUL BERTON) with which to finish the piece, when the +Prefect should have been killed either by _Issachar_ or by _Miriam_ (SARDOU +would have made _Issachar's_ daughter the heroine--the SARA BERNHARDT of +the piece) then, in the penultimate Act, anything tragic, or otherwise, +might picturesquely and appropriately have happened to the classic Girton +girl, _Hypatia_, and Master _Phil 'Ammon_, the good young Monk so inclined +to go wrong, to the great contentment of the audience. + +Mr. TREE makes a thoroughly oriental type of _Issachar_, and it is within +an ace of being a grand impersonation. What that ace exactly is, it is +somewhat difficult to say, but what _is_ wanting is wanting in his great +scene with his daughter. If the dramatist had given him such another final +chance as I have already suggested, the character might have been +dramatically perfected in Mr. TREE'S hands. As it is, both by author and +actor it is left "to be finished in our next." + +Mr. TERRY is good as the amatory Monk, and Miss JULIA NEILSON is +statuesquely graceful as _Hypatia_. If I say "she is making strides in her +profession," I must be taken to allude not to her vast improvement +histrionically, but to the long steps which she takes across the stage. + +The costumes are admirable, especially that of _Issachar_, on whose attire +the Messrs. NATHAN as Israel-lights-and-leaders must be considered high +authorities. + +[Illustration: From an Ancient Vase found in the Haymarket.] + +Mr. ALMA TADEMA, R.A., is responsible for the designs of the scenery by +Messrs. JOHNSTONE, HANN, HALL, and HARKER. [Great chance for 'ARRY 'ere! +"Scenery by 'ANN--a lady artist of course--then 'ALL and then 'ARKER, from +designs by HALMA TADEMA." "I s'pose HALMA'S a artistic shemale," 'ARRY +would say: "cos I know as there's another HALMA on the stage, leastways on +the Music 'All stage, and she's HALMA STANLEY."] Whatever the designing +ALMA may have done, I cannot say much for the reproduction of his favourite +game of marbles. The "marble halls" lack polish; but the Market Place, The +Court of _Hypatia's_ House, _Issachar's_ snuggery, and a Street in +Alexandria, are highly effective pictures. But I should like to know if in +Mr. ALMA TADEMA'S design for the Monk's dress, Mr. FRED TERRY found a small +black and silver crucifix of very modern workmanship suspended from the +girdle, as this religious emblem did not come into use until a much later +date. By the way, ecclesiastical ornaments must have been cheap in those +days to warrant _Bishop Cyril_ (strongly rendered by Mr. FERNANDEZ) +flaunting about the streets of Alexandria in such rainbow robes as, in a +later age, would have led people to imagine that he had just broken out of +the stained glass window of a Gothic Cathedral. Two thousand years hence +the New Zealand dramatist may represent the Archbishop of CANTERBURY as +walking about London in his lawn sleeves with coronation cope and mitre, or +Cardinal HERBERT VAUGHAN as wearing his scarlet hat and robes, and riding +in a Hansom cab, having been unable to pick up his own Cardinal's train. +All this were hypercriticism, but that the name of ALMA TADEMA, R.A., is a +public guarantee for academical accuracy. + +Anyhow, _Hypatia_, if not "a famous victory"--is at least a fine spectacle, +with some fine acting in it, but this is mainly confined to Mr. BEERBOHM +TREE. As the very heavy father, Mr. KEMBLE has not been allowed half a +chance. Why should he not alternate characters with Mr. FERNANDEZ, and for +three nights a week appear as _Cyril_ the Bishop, while FERNANDEZ would be +_Hypatia's_ parent who has to grovel on the steps while his highly educated +child is lecturing, who has to comfort her in her terror, and be turned out +neck and crop whenever nobody on the scene wants him, which by the way, +happens rather frequently. + +The music to a Drama is generally a minor affair, but, in this instance, it +is both major and minor, and has been specially written for the piece by +Dr. HUBERT PARRY. As this play is not an "adaptation from the French," the +music of this Composer is the only _article de Parry_ about the piece, and, +being strikingly appropriate, it proves an attraction of itself. It is +conducted by the Wagnerian ARMBRUSTER, who, with his Merry Men, is hidden +away under the stage, much as was the Ghost of _Hamlet's_ father whom +_Hamlet_ irreverently styled "Old Truepenny." Altogether a notable piece. +_Prosit!_ + +THE B IN A BOX. + + * * * * * + +CHEAP LAW IN THE CITY. + +_Probable Development of the new "London Chamber of Arbitration," for the +economical Settlement of Disputes without recourse to Litigation_ + +[Illustration: "'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand murder defence, +Guv'nor?" + +"Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise Department?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The one volume entitled _My Flirtations_, written by MARGARET WYNMAN (so +like a real name!), and published by Messrs. CHATTO AND WINDUS, consists of +short stories setting forth the varied experiences of an uncommonly 'cute +young lady. It is a literary portfolio of lively sketches of men and women, +"their tricks and their manners," all most amusing, and told in a naturally +easy and epigrammatic style. Some of the characters are evidently +intended for portraits, which anyone living in the London world could +easily label--(which by changing "a" into "i" would be the probable +consequence)--were he not baffled by the art of the skilful writer, and by +the equally skilful illustrator--our Mr. PARTRIDGE--who have, the pair +of them, combined to throw the reader off the right scent. The one +mistake--not a fatal error, however,--which this authoress has made, +is that of getting herself engaged in the last story. Not married, +fortunately; only engaged. Consequently the match can be broken off. Let +her be "engaged" on another volume. She can be married at the end of +volume three, and may give us her experiences as the wife of Mr. +Whoever-it-may-be. Will the clever authoress accept this well-meant hint +from her literary and critical admirer, THE GALLANT BARON DE B.-W.? + + * * * * * + +ROBERT WITH THE CHILDREN AT GILDHALL. + +Well, I don't quite kno as I quite hunderstans what's bin a goin on in our +old Sacred Gildall, or weather it's all xactly what sum of our werry +sollemest Holldermen, or ewen our werry anshent Depputys, might admire; but +I must say, for myself, that too thowsand more owdashus boys, and larfing +gals, I never seed nor herd than I did on Toosday larst, for about fore +hours, in old Gildall aforesaid! + +Jest to show how the werry best, aye and the werry wisest on us, gets +carried away by the site of swarms of appy children a enjoying thereselves, +as praps they never did afore, I feels myself compelled to state, that our +good kind Lord MARE was so delighted to see sich swarms of appy children +all round him and looking up to him so appy and so grateful, that, jest +afore it was time to go, he acshally told 'em a most wunderful story all +about two great Giants as lived in the rain of King LUD, on Ludgate Hill. I +was that estonished when he begun, as to amost think that GOG and MAGOG, as +stood on both sides of him, would begin to grin, but that was, of course, +only a passing delushun. But didn't all the children lissen with open +mouths when the Lord MARE told 'em that one of the Giants had too heads, +and the other three! and that a very good boy named JACK managed to kill +'em both! + +And so all was ended but the cheering, and that the pore delited children +kept up till they all marched out, smiling and appy, and wishing as such +glorious heavenings was in store for them in grand old Gildall for many, +many years to come, and with sitch a Lord Mare to see as everything was +done as it had been done that jolly heavening. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +DWARFS.--Of course there are dwarfs. Lots of 'em all over the world. At +least no experienced traveller ever yet made a stay in any country without +becoming acquainted with plenty of people who were "uncommonly 'short' just +at that moment,"--"that moment" being when the impecunious traveller wanted +to obtain a slight loan. The author of _Borrow in Spain_ would have been an +authority on such a subject. + + * * * * * + +TRANSFORMATION SCENE.--Dear Sir, I see by the paper that "Mr. EDMUND YATES +has been made a J. P." Odd! What does "J. P." stand for? Oh, of course, +"JOE PARKINSON." But does "E. Y." on becoming "J. P." cease to be +"MOI-MÊME"?--Yours, M. MUDDLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TOO INQUIRING MIND. + +"HOW WAS _I_ MADE, MAMMIE DARLING? WAS I _KNITTED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST TRADE OUTRAGE! + +(_Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster +and the Maid Forlorn."_) + + ["A large number of complaints have reached the Board of Trade + with regard to increase in the new rates adopted by Railway + Companies as from January 1 ... among other complaints of increase + of rates for the conveyance of milk, grain, hay and other + agricultural produce, firewood, live stock, coal and coke, iron + and hardware."--Sir COURTENAY BOYLE _to the Secretary of the + Railway Companies Association_.] + + Oh! who'll bring a rescue or two to the help of a much-injured Maid, + Thus cruelly bound hand and foot, and by miscreants ruthlessly laid + On the lines, in the Pathway of Peril? The Monster snorts nearer! Bohoo! + 'Tis a Melodrame-crisis of danger!--and _who'll_ bring a rescue or two? + + The Maid (British Trade), has been harried and hunted by villains and + robbers, + By bold, bad, black-masked foreign foes, and by home-bred monopolist + jobbers. + In town or in country alike the poor dear has been chevied and chased. + By rivals deceitful and dark, and by kindred deboshed and debased. + + She once was a proud reigning beauty, who now is a maid all forlorn, + As hopeless and helpless, and tearful as RUTH midst the alien corn. + Or poor Proserpine snatched by dark Pluto afar from the day and the + light; + Torn away--like this maiden--from Ceres, and wrapt--like this maiden--in + night. + + Perchance she was just a bit haughty in virginal safety and pride; + No rival too near her high throne, Prince FORTUNIO aye at her side; + But now a poor PERDITA, prone at the feet of her foes she lies bound, + And that melodramatic thud-thud draweth near--a most menacing sound! + + Ah! sure 'twas enough to deprive the Maid of Protection, her trust! + But this is the last straw of burden that bows her poor back to the dust. + That Monster _should_ be her sworn henchman, and now she lies bound in + his path! + Oh! where is the hero who'll rush to her rescue, in chivalrous wrath? + + Such champion always turns up--on the stage! CHAPLIN, WINCHILSEA, BOYLE, + HOWARD-VINCENT & Co., here's your chance. Shall she be that big Monster's + mere spoil? + Ah! Surely the Maid is too lovely to leave to the murderous crew + Of the Monster Monopoly's myrmidons! _Who_'ll bring a rescue or two? + + * * * * * + +Her First Appearance. + + + "What! a new Magazine!" just so, + First number, January, "Oh! + So far? yet farther sure will go + _The Mother._" + + * * * * * + +"SCHOOL ATTENDANCE IN BAD WEATHER."--"SANDFORD" writes of this to the +_Times_. Why doesn't MERTON--our TOMMY MERTON--speak? And what has the +venerated Mr. BARLOW got to say? + + * * * * * + +"THE SITUATION IN EUROPE."--Monte Carlo (_i.e._, for the winter months). + + * * * * * + +ETHNOGRAPHICAL ALPHABET. + + A is an Afghan, whose knife bids one quail; + B is a Boer, who made England turn pale; + C is a Chinaman, proud of his tail; + D is a Dutchman, who loves pipe and ale; + E is an Eskimo, packed like a bale; + F is a Frenchman, _à Paris fidèle_; + G is a German, he fought tooth and nail; + H is a Highlander, otherwise Gael; + I is an Irishman, just out of gaol; + J is a Jew at a furniture sale; + K is a Kalmuck, not high in the scale; + L is a Lowlander, swallowing kale; + M a Malay, a most murderous male; + N a Norwegian, who dwells near the whale; + O is an Ojibway, brave on the trail; + P is a Pole with a past to bewail; + Q is a Queenslander, sunburnt and hale; + R is a Russian, against whom we rail; + S is a Spaniard, as slow as a snail; + T is a Turk with his wife in a veil; + U a United States' Student at Yale; + V a Venetian in gondola frail; + W Welshman, with coal, slate,--and shale; + X is a Xanthian--or is he too stale?-- + Y is a Yorkshireman, bred by the Swale; + Z is a Zulu;--and now letters fail. + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST PARADOX.--JOHN STRANGE WINTER is taking Summer-y proceedings +against the Coming Crinoline. Henceforth she will be always known as "the +WINTER of our Discontent." + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BUS."--From the _Times_ money article we learn that PARR'S Banking +Co., Limited, is paying 19 per cent. The price of the shares, therefore, +must be considerably "_above par_." Capital this, for _Ma'_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE! + +(_Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster +and the Maid Forlorn."_) + + "OH! WHO'LL BRING A RESCUE OR TWO TO THE HELP OF A MUCH-INJURED MAID, + THUS CRUELLY BOUND HAND AND FOOT, AND BY MISCREANTS RUTHLESSLY LAID + ON THE LINES, IN THE PATHWAY OF PERIL? THE MONSTER SNORTS NEARER! BOHOO! + 'TIS A MELODRAME-CRISIS OF DANGER!--AND _WHO'LL_ BRING A RESCUE OR TWO?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBACIDITIES. + +_Gladys._ "OH, MURIEL DEAR, THAT HEAVENLY FROCK!--I THINK IT LOOKS LOVELIER +EVERY YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF THE (MUSIC-HALL) LAUREATE. + + Ah! Who talks of the reversion of the Laurel, + Of your MORRISSES, and SWINBURNES, and that gang? + _I_ could lick them in a canter--that's a moral! + I'm the most prolific bard who ever sang. + Of the modern Music Hall I'm chosen Laureate, + My cackle and my patter fill the Town; + I'm more popular than BURNS, a thing to glory at; + My name is PINDAR BOANERGES BROWN. + + You have never heard it mentioned? Highly probable + A hundred duffers flourish on _my_ fame; + But the Muse is _so_ peculiarly rob-able, + And I am very little known--by name? + But ask the Big BONASSUS--on the Q. T.-- + Or ask the Sisters SQUORKS, of P. B. B. + And they'll tell you Titan Talent, Siren Beauty, + Would be both the frostiest fizzles but for Me! + + Gracious Heavens! When I think of all the cackle + I have turned out for the heroes of the Halls!!! + No wonder that the task I've now to tackle-- + Something new and smart for TRICKSY TRIP!--appals. + I have tried three several songs--and had to "stock 'em," + She's imperative; her last Great Hit's played out, + And she wants "a new big thing that's bound to knock 'em." + And "she'd like it by return of post!"--No doubt!!! + + She does four turns a night, and rakes the shekels; + She sports a suit of sables and a brougham. + Five years ago a lanky girl, with freckles, + First fetched 'em with my hit, "_The Masher Groom_." + And now her limbs spread pink on all the posters, + And now she drives her pony-chaise--and Me! + Poet-Laureate? I should like to set the boasters + The tasks I have to try for "TRICKSY T." + + I am vivid, I am various, I am versatile; + I did "_Up to the Nines_" for DANDY DOBBS, + And "_Smacky-Smack_" for "TIDDLUMS,"--Isn't _hers_ a tile?-- + "_Salvation Sue_"--the stiffest of stiff jobs-- + For roopy-raspy-voiced and vain "OEOLIA," + Who dubs herself the SCHNEIDER-PATTI BLEND; + And now, a prey to stone-broke melancholia, + I sit and rack my fancy, to no end! + + My ink runs dry, my wits seem gone wool-gathering; + And yet I know that over half the town + _My_ "stuff" the Stars are blaring, bleating, blathering, + Sacking a tenner where I pouch a crown. + I know that my--anonymous--smart verses, + Are piling oof for middlemen in sacks, + My verse brings pros. seal-coats and well-stuffed purses + My back care bows, whilst profits lade _their_ backs. + + If you'll show me any "Poet" more prolific, + If you'll point to any "patterer" more smart, + One whose "patriotic" zeal is more terrific, + Who can give me at snide slang the slightest start, + Who can fit a swell, a toff, a cad, a coster, + At the very shortest notice, as _I_ can, + Why, unless he is a swaggering impostor, + I will gladly hail him as the Coming Man! + + But he'll have to be a dab at drunken drivel, + And he'll have to be a daisy at sick gush, + To turn on the taps of swagger and of snivel, + Raise the row-de-dow heel-chorus and hot flush. + He must know the taste of sensual young masher, + As well as that of aitch-omitting snob; + And then--well, I'll admit he _is_ a dasher, + Who, as Laureate (of the Halls) is "on the job!" + + [_Left lamenting._ + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S. + +A STORY IN SCENES + + SCENE I.--_Breakfast-room at No. 92a, Porchester Square, + Bayswater. Rhubarb-green and gilt paper, with dark olive dado: + curtains of a nondescript brown. Black marble clock on grey + granite mantelpiece; Landseer engravings; tall book-case, + containing volumes of "The Quiver," "Mission-Work in Mesopotamia," + a cheap Encyclopedia, and the "Popular History of Europe." Time, + about 9:45._ Mr. MONTAGUE TIDMARSH _is leaving to catch his + omnibus_. Mrs. T. _is at her Davenport in the window_. + +_Mr. T._ (_from the door_). Anything else you want me to do, MARIA? + +_Mrs. T._ Don't forget the turbot--and mind you choose it yourself--and the +lobster for the sauce--oh, and look in at SEAKALE'S as you pass, and remind +him to be here punctually at seven, to help JANE with the table, and say I +insist on his waiting in _clean_ white gloves; and be home early yourself, +and--there, if he hasn't rushed off before I remembered half----(Mr. T. +_re-appears at the door_.) What is it _now_, MONTAGUE? I do wish you'd +start, and have done with it, instead of keeping JANE at the front door, +when she ought to be clearing away breakfast! + +_Mr. T._ Very sorry, my love--I was just going, when I met a Telegraph-boy +with this, for you, I hope there's nothing wrong with Uncle GABRIEL, I'm +sure. + +_Mrs. T._ Don't stand there holding it--give it to me. (_She opens it._) +"Regret impossible dine to-night--lost Great Aunt very suddenly.--BUCKRAM." +How provoking of the man! And I particularly wished him to meet Uncle +GABRIEL, because he is such a good listener, and they would be sure to get +on together. As if he hadn't all the rest of the year to lose his Aunt in! + +_Mr. T._ That's BUCKRAM all over. Never can depend upon that fellow. +(_Gloomily._) Now we shall be thirteen at table! + +_Mrs. T._ Nonsense, MONTAGUE--we _can't_ be! Let me see--Uncle GABRIEL and +Aunt JOANNA, two; the DITCHWATERS, four; BODFISHES, six; TOOMERS, eight; +Miss BUGLE, nine; Mr. POFFLEY, ten; CECILIA FLINDERS, eleven, ourselves--we +_are_ thirteen! And I know Uncle will refuse to sit down at all if he +notices it; and, anyway, it is sure to cast a gloom over the whole thing. +We _must_ get somebody! + +_Mr. T._ Couldn't that Miss--what's her name? SEATON--dine, for once? + +_Mrs. T._ The idea, MONTAGUE! Then there would be one Lady too many--if you +can _call_ a Governess a Lady, that is. And I do so disapprove of taking +people out of their proper station. + +[Illustration: "Montague, _don't_ say you went and ordered him."] + +_Mr. T._ I might wire to FILLETER or MAKEWAYT--but I rather think they're +both away, and it won't do to run any risk. Shall I bring home STERNSTUHL +or FEDERFUCHS? Very quiet, respectable young fellows, and I could let one +of 'em go off early to dress. + +_Mrs. T._ Thank you, MONTAGUE--but I won't have one of your German clerks +at _my_ table--everyone would see what he was in a minute. And he mightn't +even have a dress-suit! Let me think ... _I_ know what we can do. BLANKLEY +supplies extra guests for parties and things. I remember seeing it in the +paper. We must hire a man there. Go there at once, MONTAGUE, it's very +little out of your way, and tell them to be sure and send a gentlemanly +person--he needn't talk much, and he won't be required to tell any +anecdotes. Make haste, say they can put him down to my deposit account. + +_Mr. T._ I don't half like the idea, MARIA, but I suppose it's the only +thing left. I'll go and see what they can do for us. + + [_He goes out._ + +_Mrs. T._ I _know_ he'll make some muddle--I'd better do it myself! (_She +rushes out into the passage._) JANE, is your Master gone? Call him +back--there, I'll do it. (_She calls after Mr. T.'s retreating form from +the doorstep._) MONTAGUE! never mind about BLANKLEY'S. _I_'ll see to it. Do +you hear? + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from the corner_). All right, my love, all right! I +hear. + +_Mrs. T._ I must go round before lunch. JANE, send Miss SEATON to me in the +breakfast-room. (_She goes back to her desk; presently_ Miss MARJORY SEATON +_enters the room; she is young and extremely pretty, with an air of +dejected endurance_.) Oh, Miss SEATON, just copy out these _menus_ for me, +in your neatest writing, and see that the French is all right. You will +have plenty of time for it, as I shall take Miss GWENDOLEN out myself this +morning. By the way, I shall expect you to appear in the drawing-room this +evening before dinner. I hope you have a suitable frock? + +_Miss Seaton._ I have a black one with lace sleeves and heliotrope +_chiffon_, if that will do--it was made in Paris. + +_Mrs. T._ You are fortunate to be able to command such luxuries. All _my_ +dresses are made in the Grove. + +_Miss Seat._ (_biting her lip_). Mine was made when we--before I---- [_She +checks herself._ + +_Mrs. T._ You need not remind me _quite_ so often that your circumstances +were formerly different, Miss SEATON, for I am perfectly aware of the fact. +Otherwise, I should not feel justified in bringing you in contact, even for +so short a time, with my relations and friends, who are _most_ particular. +I think that is all I wanted you for at present. Stop, you are forgetting +the _menus_. + + [Miss SEATON _collects the cards and goes out with compressed lips + as_ JANE _enters_. + +_Jane._ Another telegram, if you please, M'm, and Cook would like to speak +to you about the pheasants. + +[Illustration: THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY. [_See p. 33._ + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, dear me, JANE! I wish you wouldn't come and startle me with +your horrid telegrams--there, give it to me. (_Reading._) "Wife down, +violent influenza. Must come without her, TOOMER." (_Resentfully._) Again! +and I _know_ she's had it twice since the spring--it's too tiresomely +inconsid--no, it isn't--it's the very best thing she could do. Now we shall +be only twelve, and I needn't order that man from BLANKLEY'S, after all. +Poor dear woman, I must really write her a nice sympathetic little note--so +_fortunate_! + + + SCENE II.--Mrs. TIDMARSH'S _Bedroom--Time 7:15._ Mrs. T. _has just + had her hair dressed by her Maid_. + +_Mrs. T._ You might have given me more of a fringe than that, PINNIFER. You +don't make nearly so much of my hair as you used to! (PINNIFER _discreetly +suppress the obvious retort_.) Well, I suppose that must do. I shan't +require you any more. Go down and see if the lamps in the drawing-room are +smelling. (PINNIFER _goes; sounds of ablutions are heard from_ Mr. T.'s +_dressing-room_.) MONTAGUE, is that you? I never heard you come in. + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_indistinctly._) Only just this moment come up, my dear. +Been putting out the wine. + +_Mrs. T._ You always _will_ leave everything to the last. No, don't come +in. What? How can I hear what you say when you keep on splashing and +spluttering like that? + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from beneath a towel._) That dozen of Champagne Uncle +GABRIEL sent has run lower than I thought--only two bottles and a pint +left. And he can't drink that _Saumur_. + +_Mrs. T._ Two bottles and a half ought to be ample, if SEAKALE manages +properly--among twelve. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve, my love? you mean _fourteen_! + +_Mrs. T._ I mean nothing of the sort. Mrs. TOOMER'S got influenza +again--luckily, so of course we shall be just twelve. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ MARIA, why didn't you tell me that before? Because I say, +look here!---- + + [_He half opens the door._ + +_Mrs. T._ I won't have you coming in here all over soap, there's nothing to +get excited about. Twelve's a very convenient number. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve! Yes--but how about that fellow you told me to order +from BLANKLEY'S? He'll be the thirteenth! + +_Mrs. T._ MONTAGUE, _don't_ say you went and ordered him, after I expressly +said you were not to mind, and that I would see about it myself! You heard +me call after you from the front door? + +_Mr. T.'s V._ I--I understood you to say that I was to mind and see to it +myself; and so I went there the very first thing. The Manager assured me he +would send us a person accustomed to the best society, who would give every +satisfaction. _I_ couldn't be expected to know you had changed your mind! + +_Mrs. T._ How _could_ you be so idiotic! We simply can't sit down thirteen. +Uncle will think we did it on purpose to shorten his life, MONTAGUE, do +something--write, and put him off, quick--do you hear? + +_Mr. T.'s V._ (_plaintively_). My love, I _can't_ write while I'm like +this--and I've no pen and ink in here, either! + +_Jane_ (_outside_). Please, Sir, SEAKALE would like a word with you about +the Sherry you put out--it don't seem to ta--smell quite right to him. + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, never mind Sherry _now_. (_She scribbles on a leaf +from her pocket-book._) Here, JANE, tell SEAKALE to run with this to +BLANKLEY'S--quick.... There, MONTAGUE I've written to BLANKLEY'S not to +send the man--they're sure to keep that sort of person on the premises; so, +if SEAKALE gets there before they close, it will be all right.... Oh, don't +worry so.... What? White ties! How should _I_ know where they are? You +should speak to JANE. And do, for goodness sake, make haste! _I'm_ going +down. + +_Mr. T._ (_alone_). MARIA! hi.... She's gone--and she never told me what +I'm to do if this confounded fellow turns up, after all! Hang it, I must +have a tie somewhere! + + [_He pulls out drawer after drawer of his wardrobe, in a violent + flurry._ + + * * * * * + +THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM. + +(_For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been +established._) + +_Question._ What are the duties of a Porter? + +_Answer._ To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible +expedition. + +_Q._ Is there any exception to that general rule? + +_A._ Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the +bestowal of a tip. + +_Q._ How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, +say, Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough. + +_A._ By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!" + +[Illustration] + +_Q._ If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a +military-looking Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first +claim his attention? + +_A._ Why, of course, the Captain. + +_Q._ What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment? + +_A._ A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking +both. + +_Q._ What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk? + +_A._ If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole +to the other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take +some time in finding the required amount of change. If the passenger is +irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk can stop to explain, and remonstrate. +In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the trains, a busy +Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging +outside the station. + +_Q._ When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy? + +_A._ When he happens to be in a bad temper. + +_Q._ Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his +superiors have any effect upon a Booking-Clerk? + +_A._ Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either +for Melbourne, Australia, or Timbuctoo. + +_Q._ What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such +circumstances? + +_A._ To bear it either with or without a grin. + +_Q._ Is there much point about a Pointsman? + +_A._ Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours. + +_Q._ And does his application of the break suggest anything? + +_A._ Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion. + + * * * * * + +A SUGGESTION FOR PANTOMIME.--The good Fairy, Sir DRURIOLANUS, triumphing +over Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, +the obstructionists. Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as +_Kate Nickleby's_ lunatic lover observed, "All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. +DAN LENO and CAMPBELL are doing great business just now. _Vive_ DRURIOLANUS +PANTOMIMICUS IMPERATOR! + + * * * * * + +A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. GLADSTONE." What a contrast! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, January 21, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20704-8.txt or 20704-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/0/20704/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 21, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: February 27, 2007 [EBook #20704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 104.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>January 21, 1893.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + +<h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + +<p class="center">THE KEEPER.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>With an Excursus on Beaters.</i>)</p> + +<p>Of the many varieties of keeper, I propose, at present, to consider +only the average sort of keeper, who looks after a shooting, comprising +partridges, pheasants, hares, and rabbits, in an English county. Now +it is to be observed that your ordinary keeper is not a conversational +animal. He has, as a rule, too much to do to waste time in unnecessary +talk. To begin with, he has to control his staff, the men +and boys who walk in line with you through the root-fields, or beat +the coverts for pheasants. That might seem at first sight to be an +easy business, but it is actually one of the most difficult in the world. +For thorough perverse stupidity, you will not easily match the +autochthonous beater. Watch him as he trudges along, slow, expressionless, +clod-resembling, lethargic, and say how you would like +to be the chief of such an army. He is always getting out of line, +pressing forward unduly, or hanging back too much, and the loud +voice of the keeper makes the woods resound with remonstrance, +entreaty, and blame, hurled at +his bovine head. After lunch, it +is true, the beater wakes up for +a little. Then shall you hear +<span class="sc">William</span> exchanging confidences +from one end of the line to the +other with <span class="sc">Jarge</span>, while the startled +pheasant rises too soon and goes +back, to the despair of the keeper +and the guns. Then, too, are heard +the shouts of laughter which greet +the appearance of a rabbit, and the +air is thick with the sticks that +the joyous, beery beaters fling at +the scurrying form of their hereditary +foe. It is marvellous to note +with what a venomous hatred the +beater regards the bunny. Pheasant +or partridge he is careless of; +even the hare is, in comparison, a +thing of nought, but let him once +set eyes on a rabbit, and his whole +being seems to change. His eye +absolutely flashes, his chest heaves +with excitement beneath the ancient +piece of sacking that protects +his form from thorns. If the rabbit +falls to the shot, he yells with +exultation; if it be missed, an expression +of morose and gloomy disappointment +settles on his face, as +who should say, "Things are played +out; the world is worthless!"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/025.png"><img width="100%" src="images/025.png" alt="On their Beat." /></a><h3>On their Beat.</h3></div> + +<p>All these characteristics are the +keeper's despair; though, to be +sure, he has staunch lieutenants in +his under-keepers; and towards +the end of the day he can always +count on two sympathising allies in +the postman and the policeman. +These two never fail to come out +in the afternoon to join the beaters. +It is amusing to watch the +demeanour of the beaters in the policeman's presence. Some of them, +it is possible, have been immeshed by the law, and have made the +constable's acquaintance in his professional capacity. Others are +conscious of undiscovered peccadilloes, or they feel that on some +future day they may be led to transgress rules, of which the policeman +is the sturdy embodiment. None of them is, therefore, quite at +his best in the policeman's presence. Their attitude may be +described as one of uneasy familiarity, bursting here and there into +jocular nervousness, but never quite attaining the rollicking point. +You may sometimes take advantage of this feeling to let off a joke +on a beater. Select a stout, plethoric one, and say to him, "Mind +you keep your eye on the policeman, or he'll poach a rabbit before +you can say knife." This simple inversion of probabilities and +positions is quite certain to "go." A hesitating smile will first +creep into the corners of the beater's eye. After an interval spent +in grappling with the jest, he will become purple, and finally he will +explode.</p> + +<p>During the rest of the day you will hear him repeating your little +pleasantry either to himself or to his companions. You can keep it +up by saying now and then, "How many did the constable pocket +that last beat?" (<i>Shouts of laughter.</i>) Thus shall your reputation +as a humorist be established amongst the beating fraternity—("that +'ere Muster <span class="sc">Jackson</span>, 'e do make a chap laugh, that 'e do," is the +formula)—and if you revisit the same shooting next year, a beater is +sure to take an opportunity of saying to you, with a grin on his face, +"Policeman's a comin' out to-day, Sir; I'm a goin' to hev my eye +tight on 'im, so as 'e don't pocket no rabbits," to which you will +reply, "That's right, <span class="sc">George</span>, you stick to it, and you'll be a policeman +yourself some day," at which impossible anticipation there will +be fresh explosions of mirth. So easily pleased is the rustic mind, +so tenacious is the rustic memory.</p> + +<p>But the head-keeper recks not of these things. All the anxiety +of the day is his. If, for one reason or another, he fails to show as +good a head of game as had been expected, he knows his master will +be displeased. If the beaters prove intractable, the birds go wrong, +but the burden of the host's disappointment falls on the keeper's +shoulders. His are all the petty worries, the little failures of the +day. The keeper is, therefore, not given to conversation. How +should he be, with all these responsibilities weighing upon him? +Few of those who shoot realise what the keeper has gone through to +provide the sport. Inclement nights spent in the open, untiring +vigilance by day and by night, a constant and patient care of his +birds during the worst seasons, short hours of sleep, and long hours +of tramping, such is the keeper's +life. And, after all, what a fine +fellow is a good keeper. In what +other race of men can you find in +a higher degree the best and manliest +qualities, unswerving fidelity, +dauntless courage, unflinching endurance +of hardship and fatigue, +and an upright honesty of conduct +and demeanour? I protest that +if ever the sport of game-shooting +is attacked, one powerful argument +in its favour may be found +in the fact that it produces such +men as these, and fosters their +staunch virtues. Think well of +all this, my young friend, and do +not vex the harassed keeper with +idle and frivolous remarks. But +you may permit yourself to say to +him, during the day, "That's a +nice dog of yours; works capitally."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir," the keeper will say, +"he's not a bad 'un for a young +'un. Plenty of good blood in him. +His mother's old <i>Dido</i>. I've had +to leave her at home to-day, because +she's got a sore foot; but +her nose is something wonderful."</p> + +<p>"Did you have much trouble +breaking him?"</p> + +<p>"Lor' bless you, Sir, no. He +took to it like a duck to the water. +Nothing comes amiss to him. You +stand there, Sir, and you'll get +some nice birds over you. They +mostly breaks this way."</p> + +<p>That kind of conversation establishes +good relations, always an +important thing. Or you may +hint to him that he knows his +business better than the host, as +thus:—</p> + +<p>"I must have been in the wrong place that last beat. Not a +single bird came near me."</p> + +<p>"Of course you were, Sir. I knew how it would be. I wanted +you fifty yards higher up, but Mr. <span class="sc">Chalmers</span>, he would have you +here. Lor, I've never known birds break here. Now then, you boys, +stop that chattering, or I sends you all home. Seem to think they're +out here to enjoy theirselves, instead of doing as I tells 'em. Come, +rattle your sticks!"</p> + +<p>Thus are the little beaters and the stops admonished.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FROM A MODERN ENGLISH EXAMINATION-PAPER</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Which young Mr. D. Brown went in to floor, but which floored him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What is the meaning of "to deodorise." Give the +derivation.</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> "To deodorise" is to gild the statue of a heathen deity. +Literally "to gild a god." This compound verb is derived from +"<i>Deus</i>," dative "<i>Deo</i>," and the Greek verb "δωριξω, <i>i.e.</i> to gild."</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is a "Manicure"? Give its derivation.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> It is another term for a Mad Doctor. Its derivation is obvious—"Maniac +Cure." The last syllable of the first word being omitted +for the sake of convenience in pronunciation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/026.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026.png" alt="THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS." /></a><h3>THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Mr. Punch's Dreadful New Year's Dream after a Surfeit of Mince Pies and "Times" Correspondence.</i>)</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/027.png"><img width="100%" src="images/027.png" alt="AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE." /></a><h3>"AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE."</h3> + +<p><i>Hostess.</i> "<span class="sc">Er—allow me to introduce—er—Mr. Cornelius P. van Dunk, from +Chicago—Mr. Kemble Macready Kean, the great Tragedian, and Manager of the +Parthenon</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Van Dunk.</i> "<span class="sc">Mr. Kemble Macready Kean! Sir, your Name's very familiar +to me, and I'm proud to know you!—and I shall take an Early Opportunity of +asking you for some Orders for Your Theatre</span>!"</p></div> + +<h2>THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I had a Dream, which was not all a Dream.</p> +<p>(By Somnus and old Nox I fear 'twas <i>not</i>!)</p> +<p>Common-sense was extinguished, and Good Taste</p> +<p>Did wonder darkling on the verge of doom.</p> +<p>I saw a Monster, a malign, marine, </p> +<p>Mysterious, many-whorled, mug-lumbering Bogey,</p> +<p>Stretched (like Miltonian angels on the marl)</p> +<p>In league-long loops upon the billowy brine.</p> +<p>Beshrew thee, old familiar ocean Bogey,</p> +<p>Thou spectral spook of many Silly Seasons,</p> +<p>Beshrew thee, and avaunt! Which being put</p> +<p>In post-Shakspearian vernacular, means</p> +<p>Confound, you, and Get out!!! The monstrous worm</p> +<p>Wriggling its corkscrew periwinkly twists</p> +<p>Of trunk and tail alternate, winked huge goggles</p> +<p>Derisively and gurgled. "<i>Me</i> get out,</p> +<p>The Science-vouched, and Literature-upheld,</p> +<p>And Reason-rehabilitated butt</p> +<p>Of many years of misdirected mockery?</p> +<p>You ask omniscient <span class="sc">Huxley</span>, cocksure oracle</p> +<p>On all from protoplasm to Home Rule,</p> +<p>From Scripture to Sea Serpents; go consult</p> +<p>Belligerent, brave, beloved <span class="sc">Billy Russell</span>!</p> +<p>Verisimilitude incarnate, I</p> +<p>Scorn your vain sceptic mirth!</p> +<p><span class="i8">Besides, behold</span></p> +<p>The portent riding me, as Thetis rode</p> +<p>The lolloping, wolloping sea-horse of old!</p> +<p>Is it less likely that <i>I</i> should remain</p> +<p>Than <i>she</i> return?"</p> +<p><span class="i8">Then, horror-thrilled, I gazed</span></p> +<p>At her, the Abominable, the Ogreish Thing;</p> +<p>The soul-revolting, sense-degrading She,</p> +<p>Who swayed and sickened, scourged and scarified</p> +<p>The unwilling slaves of fashion and discomfort</p> +<p>A quarter of a century since!</p> +<p><span class="i8">She sat,</span></p> +<p>A spectral, scraggy, beet-nosed, ankle-less,</p> +<p>Obtrusive-panted, splay-foot, slattern-shape,</p> +<p>Of grim Medusa-faced Immodesty,</p> +<p>Caged cumbrously in a stiff, swaying, swollen,</p> +<p>Shin-scarifying, hose-revealing frame</p> +<p>Of wide-meshed metal, like a monster mousetrap—</p> +<p>Hideous, indecent, awkward!</p> +<p><span class="i8">Oh, I knew her—</span></p> +<p>This loathly <i>revenant</i>, revisiting</p> +<p>The glimpses of the moon. She shamed my sight,</p> +<p>And blocked my way, and marred my young men's art,</p> +<p>Twenty years syne and more. 'Twas CRINOLINA,</p> +<p>The long-abiding, happily banished horror</p> +<p>We hoped to see no more. <i>Shall</i> she return</p> +<p>To vex our souls, unsex our wives and daughters,</p> +<p>And spoil our pictures as she did of old?</p> +<p>Forbid it, womanhood and modesty!</p> +<p>And if <i>they</i> won't, let manhood and sound sense</p> +<p>Arise in wrath and warn the horror off,</p> +<p>Ere she effect a lodgment on the limbs</p> +<p>Of pretty girls, or clothe our matron's shapes</p> +<p>With shame as with a garment.</p> +<p><span class="i8">"Get thee gone!"</span></p> +<p>Cries <i>Punch</i>, and shakes his gingham in her face.</p> +<p>"The Silly Season's Nemesis we may stand,</p> +<p>But thou, the loathlier Bogey? <i>Garn away!</i></p> +<p>(As '<span class="sc">Liza</span> said to amorous <span class="sc">'Arry 'Awkins</span>)</p> +<p>Avaunt, skedaddle, slope, absquatulate,</p> +<p>Go, gruesome ghoul—go quickly—and for ever!!!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. R.'s</span> nephew read out an announcement +to the effect that Messrs. <span class="sc">Macmillan</span> +were about to publish Lord <span class="sc">Carnarvon's</span> +"Prometheus Bound." "Indeed!" exclaimed +Mr. R.'s excellent aunt. "That's very +vague. Doesn't it say how it's to be bound?—whether +in calf or vellum?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LAPSUS LINGUÆ.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>["There is scarcely one of us who does not +violate some rule of English grammar in every +sentence which he speaks."—<i>Daily News.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Never we dreamt of this horrible blundering!</p> +<p class="i2">Up to the present, we cheerfully spoke</p> +<p>Quite unaware of our errors, nor wondering</p> +<p class="i2">How many rules in each sentence we broke.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Now we can scarcely pronounce the admission that</p> +<p class="i2">Grammar and parsing we freely neglect,</p> +<p>Scarcely can dare to make humble petition that</p> +<p class="i2">Someone or other will cure this defect!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Often we err in the use of each particle,</p> +<p class="i2">Seldom observe where our adverbs belong,</p> +<p>Wholly misplace the indefinite article,</p> +<p class="i2">In our subjunctives go hopelessly wrong!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>What can we do? Will the <i>Daily News</i> qualify</p> +<p class="i2">As an instructor in matters like these?</p> +<p>How can we quickest successfully mollify</p> +<p class="i2">Those whom our errors must sadly displease?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Scarce can we venture the veriest platitude,</p> +<p class="i2">May not its grammar be shamefully weak?</p> +<p>You, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, can rely on our gratitude,</p> +<p class="i2">If you will tell us—how <i>ought</i> we to speak?</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">A Dark Saying</span>.—Had <span class="sc">Hilda Dawson</span>—who, +as reported in the <i>D. T.</i> one day last week, +was haled before Sir <span class="sc">Peter Edlin</span>—been a +character in some play of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span>, to +whom the Bard had given these words to utter—"And +this is what you call trial by Jury! +Why they are not fit to try shoemakers!" +what voluminous suggestions and explanations +of the meaning of this phrase would not +the learned Commentators have written! +What emendations, alterations, or amendments +of the text would not have been proposed! +Perhaps, some hundreds of years +hence, this dark saying of <span class="sc">Hilda Dawson's</span> +will engage the close attention of some among +the then existing learned body of Antiquaries.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Sounds Rather Like It</span>."—In France +the Ministry of Foreign Affairs has gone to +the <span class="sc">Develle</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/028a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028a.png" alt="The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting." /></a><p class="center">The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting. "<i>Heraclian</i> must win." +Notice the <i>Rara Nativa Oysteriana Shrub</i> in the background.</p></div> + +<h2>THE HAYMARKET HYPATIA.</h2> + +<p>That I never could struggle through <span class="sc">Charles Kingsley's</span> novel +<i>Hypatia</i>, is, as far as I am personally concerned, very much in +favour of my pronouncing an unbiassed opinion on the "<i>new +classical play</i>" ("Historical," if +you like, but not "classical," and +there is not the slightest chance of +its becoming a "classic") written +by <span class="sc">G. Stuart Ogilvie</span>, entitled +<i>Hypatia</i>, and "<i>founded on</i> <span class="sc">Kingsley's</span> +<i>celebrated Novel</i>," which +"celebrated Novel" is, for me at +least, not only "celebrated," but +"remarkable," as being one of the +very few works of fiction (excepting +always the majority of +<span class="sc">Kingsley's</span> works) completely baffling +my powers of endurance.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/028b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028b.png" alt="Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus." /></a><p class="center">Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus.</p></div> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Stuart Ogilvie's</span> Drama +may be a clever adaptation of a +story difficult to adapt; but that +his play is powerfully dramatic, +even when it arrives at what, as I +conceive, was intended to be its +strongest dramatic situation in +the Second Scene of the Third +Act, no one but an <i>Umbra</i> (to be +"classical"), a sycophant, a +"creature," or a contentious noodle, +could possibly assert. Yet, as a +series of <i>tableaux vivants</i>, illustrating +scenes in the public and private +life of <i>Issachar</i> the Jew,—and +that Jew Mr. <span class="sc">Beerbohm Tree</span>, so +artistically made up as to be absolutely +unrecognisable by those +who know him best,—the action is +decidedly interesting up to the end +of the Third Act. After that, all +is tumult. The gay and seductive +<i>Orestes</i>, Prefect of Alexandria +(carefully played by Mr. +<span class="sc">Lewis Waller</span>) is slain, anyhow, +all higgledy-piggledy, by the Jew, +<i>Issachar</i>, whose seductive daughter <i>Ruth</i> (sweetly and gently +represented by Miss <span class="sc">Olga Brandon</span>) this gay <span class="sc">Lothario</span> of a +Prefect has contrived, not, apparently, with any great difficulty, to +lead astray, or, to put it +"classically," to seduce +from the narrow path of +such virtue as is common +alike to Pagan, Jew, and +Christian. As for handsome +<i>Hypatia</i> herself, +magnificent though Miss +<span class="sc">Julia Neilson</span> be as a +classic model for a painter, +she is nowhere, dramatically, +in the piece, when +contrasted with the unhappy +Jewish Family of +two. It is the story of +<i>Issachar</i>, his daughter and +<i>Orestes</i>, that absorbs the +interest; and, as to what +becomes of <i>Cyril</i> and his +Merry Monks, of <i>Philammon</i> +(which, when pronounced, +sounds like a +modern Cockney-rendering +of <span class="sc">Philip Hammond</span>, with +the aspirate omitted and +the final "d" dropped), of +old <i>Theon</i> (who never +appears but he is immediately +sent away again, and +therefore might be termed +"<i>The-on-and-off-'un</i>"), +and, finally, of even that +charming specimen of a Girton +Girl-Lecturer on Philosophy +<i>Hypatia</i> herself, well—to +adopt <span class="sc">Hood's</span> couplet +about the Poor in London,—</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/028c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028c.png" alt="Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus." /></a><p class="center">From an Ancient Vase found in the Haymarket.]</p></div> + + +<blockquote><p>"Where they goes, or how they fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares."</p></blockquote> + +<p>The entire interest is centred in <i>Issachar</i>, and had the author +devised some strong dramatic climax (such as occurs in that play of +<span class="sc">Sardou's</span> where <span class="sc">Sarah B</span>. stabs <span class="sc">Paul Berton</span>) with which to finish +the piece, when the Prefect should have been killed either by +<i>Issachar</i> or by <i>Miriam</i> (<span class="sc">Sardou</span> would have made <i>Issachar's</i> +daughter the heroine—the <span class="sc">Sara Bernhardt</span> +of the piece) then, in the penultimate +Act, anything tragic, or otherwise, might +picturesquely and appropriately have happened +to the classic Girton girl, <i>Hypatia</i>, and +Master <i>Phil 'Ammon</i>, +the good young +Monk so inclined to +go wrong, to the +great contentment +of the audience.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Tree</span> makes +a thoroughly oriental type of +<i>Issachar</i>, and it is within an +ace of being a grand impersonation. +What that ace exactly is, it +is somewhat difficult to say, but +what <i>is</i> wanting is wanting in his +great scene with his daughter. If +the dramatist had given him such +another final chance as I have +already suggested, the character +might have been dramatically +perfected in Mr. <span class="sc">Tree's</span> hands. +As it is, both by author and actor it +is left "to be finished in our next."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Terry</span> is good as the amatory +Monk, and Miss <span class="sc">Julia Neilson</span> +is statuesquely graceful as +<i>Hypatia</i>. If I say "she is making +strides in her profession," I must +be taken to allude not to her vast +improvement histrionically, but to +the long steps which she takes +across the stage.</p> + +<p>The costumes are admirable, +especially that of <i>Issachar</i>, on +whose attire the Messrs. <span class="sc">Nathan</span> +as Israel-lights-and-leaders must +be considered high authorities.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Alma Tadema, R.A.</span>, is responsible for the designs of the +scenery by Messrs. <span class="sc">Johnstone, Hann, Hall</span>, and <span class="sc">Harker</span>. [Great +chance for '<span class="sc">Arry</span> 'ere! "Scenery by '<span class="sc">Ann</span>—a lady artist of course—then +'<span class="sc">All</span> and then '<span class="sc">Arker</span>, from designs by <span class="sc">Halma Tadema</span>." "I +s'pose <span class="sc">Halma's</span> a artistic shemale," '<span class="sc">Arry</span> would say: "cos I know +as there's another <span class="sc">Halma</span> on the stage, leastways on the Music 'All +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> +stage, and she's <span class="sc">Halma Stanley</span>."] +Whatever the designing <span class="sc">Alma</span> +may have done, I cannot say +much for the reproduction of his +favourite game of marbles. The +"marble halls" lack polish; but +the Market Place, The Court of +<i>Hypatia's</i> House, <i>Issachar's</i> +snuggery, and a Street in Alexandria, +are highly effective pictures. +But I should like to know +if in Mr. <span class="sc">Alma Tadema</span>'s design +for the Monk's dress, Mr. <span class="sc">Fred +Terry</span> found a small black and +silver crucifix of very modern +workmanship suspended from the +girdle, as this religious emblem +did not come into use until a +much later date. By the way, +ecclesiastical ornaments must +have been cheap in those days to +warrant <i>Bishop Cyril</i> (strongly +rendered by Mr. <span class="sc">Fernandez</span>) +flaunting about the streets of +Alexandria in such rainbow +robes as, in a later age, would +have led people to imagine that +he had just broken out of the +stained glass window of a Gothic +Cathedral. Two thousand years +hence the New Zealand dramatist +may represent the Archbishop of +<span class="sc">Canterbury</span> as walking about +London in his lawn sleeves with +coronation cope and mitre, or +Cardinal <span class="sc">Herbert Vaughan</span> +as wearing his scarlet hat and +robes, and riding in a Hansom +cab, having been unable to pick +up his own Cardinal's train. All +this were hypercriticism, but that +the name of <span class="sc">Alma Tadema, R.A.</span>, is a public guarantee for +academical accuracy.</p> + +<p>Anyhow, <i>Hypatia</i>, if not "a famous victory"—is at least a fine +spectacle, with some fine acting in it, but this is mainly confined +to Mr. <span class="sc">Beerbohm Tree</span>. As the very heavy father, Mr. <span class="sc">Kemble</span> +has not been allowed half a chance. Why should he not alternate +characters with Mr. <span class="sc">Fernandez</span>, and for three nights a week +appear as <i>Cyril</i> the Bishop, while <span class="sc">Fernandez</span> would be <i>Hypatia's</i> +parent who has to grovel on the steps while his highly educated +child is lecturing, who has to comfort her in her terror, and be +turned out neck and crop whenever nobody on the scene wants him, +which by the way, happens rather frequently.</p> + +<p>The music to a Drama is generally a minor affair, but, in this +instance, it is both major and minor, and has been specially written +for the piece by Dr. <span class="sc">Hubert Parry</span>. As this play is not an "adaptation +from the French," the music of this Composer is the only <i>article +de Parry</i> about the piece, and, being strikingly appropriate, it +proves an attraction of itself. It is conducted by the Wagnerian +<span class="sc">Armbruster</span>, who, with his Merry Men, is hidden away under the +stage, much as was the Ghost of <i>Hamlet's</i> father whom <i>Hamlet</i> +irreverently styled "Old Truepenny." Altogether a notable piece. +<i>Prosit!</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The B in a Box</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CHEAP LAW IN THE CITY.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Probable Development of the new "London Chamber of Arbitration," for the economical Settlement of +Disputes without recourse to Litigation</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:83%;"><a href="images/029.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029.png" alt="'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand +murder defence, Guv'nor? Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise +Department?" /></a><p class="center">"'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand +murder defence, Guv'nor?" + +"Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise +Department?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>The one volume entitled <i>My Flirtations</i>, written by <span class="sc">Margaret +Wynman</span> (so like a real name!), and published by Messrs. <span class="sc">Chatto +and Windus</span>, consists of short stories setting forth the varied +experiences of an uncommonly 'cute young lady. It is a literary +portfolio of lively sketches of men and women, "their tricks and +their manners," all most amusing, and told in a naturally easy and +epigrammatic style. Some of the characters are evidently intended +for portraits, which anyone living in the London world could +easily label—(which by changing "a" into "i" would be the probable +consequence)—were he not baffled by the art of the skilful +writer, and by the equally skilful illustrator—our Mr. <span class="sc">Partridge</span>—who +have, the pair of them, combined to throw the reader off the +right scent. The one mistake—not a fatal error, however,—which +this authoress has made, is that of getting herself engaged in the +last story. Not married, fortunately; only engaged. Consequently +the match can be broken off. Let her be "engaged" on another +volume. She can be married at the end of volume three, and may +give us her experiences as the wife of Mr. Whoever-it-may-be. +Will the clever authoress accept this well-meant hint from her +literary and critical admirer, <span class="sc">The Gallant Baron de B.-W.</span>?</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT WITH THE CHILDREN AT GILDHALL.</h2> + +<p>Well, I don't quite kno as I quite hunderstans what's bin a +goin on in our old Sacred Gildall, or weather it's all xactly what +sum of our werry sollemest Holldermen, or ewen our werry anshent +Depputys, might admire; but I must say, for myself, that too +thowsand more owdashus boys, and larfing gals, I never seed nor +herd than I did on Toosday larst, for about fore hours, in old +Gildall aforesaid!</p> + +<p>Jest to show how the werry best, aye and the werry wisest on +us, gets carried away by the site of swarms of appy children +a enjoying thereselves, as praps they never did afore, I feels +myself compelled to state, that our good kind Lord <span class="sc">Mare</span> was so +delighted to see sich swarms of appy children all round him and +looking up to him so appy and so grateful, that, jest afore it was +time to go, he acshally told 'em a most wunderful story all about +two great Giants as lived in the rain of King <span class="sc">Lud</span>, on Ludgate Hill. +I was that estonished when he begun, as to amost think that <span class="sc">Gog</span> +and <span class="sc">Magog</span>, as stood on both sides of him, would begin to grin, but +that was, of course, only a passing delushun. But didn't all the +children lissen with open mouths when the Lord <span class="sc">Mare</span> told 'em that +one of the Giants had too heads, and the other three! and that a +very good boy named <span class="sc">Jack</span> managed to kill 'em both!</p> + +<p>And so all was ended but the cheering, and that the pore delited +children kept up till they all marched out, smiling and +appy, and wishing as such glorious heavenings was in store for +them in grand old Gildall for many, many years to come, and +with sitch a Lord Mare to see as everything was done as it had been +done that jolly heavening.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Robert</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dwarfs</span>.—Of course there are dwarfs. Lots of 'em all over the +world. At least no experienced traveller ever yet made a stay in +any country without becoming acquainted with plenty of people who +were "uncommonly 'short' just at that moment,"—"that +moment" being when the impecunious traveller wanted to obtain a +slight loan. The author of <i>Borrow in Spain</i> would have been an +authority on such a subject.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Transformation Scene</span>.—Dear Sir, I see by the paper that "Mr. +<span class="sc">Edmund Yates</span> has been made a J. P." Odd! What does "J. P." +stand for? Oh, of course, "<span class="sc">Joe Parkinson</span>." But does "E. Y." +on becoming "J. P." cease to be "<span class="sc">Moi-Même</span>"?—Yours, M. <span class="sc">Muddle</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/030.png"><img width="100%" src="images/030.png" alt="A TOO INQUIRING MIND." /></a><h3>A TOO INQUIRING MIND.</h3> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">How was <i>I</i> made, Mammie darling? Was I <i>Knitted</i></span>?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE LATEST TRADE OUTRAGE!</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation +Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster and +the Maid Forlorn."</i>)</p> + +<blockquote><p>["A large number of complaints have reached +the Board of Trade with regard to increase in the +new rates adopted by Railway Companies as from +January 1 ... among other complaints of increase +of rates for the conveyance of milk, grain, +hay and other agricultural produce, firewood, live +stock, coal and coke, iron and hardware."—Sir +<span class="sc">Courtenay Boyle</span> <i>to the Secretary of the Railway +Companies Association</i>.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! who'll bring a rescue or two to the help of a much-injured Maid,</p> +<p>Thus cruelly bound hand and foot, and by miscreants ruthlessly laid</p> +<p>On the lines, in the Pathway of Peril? The Monster snorts nearer! Bohoo!</p> +<p>'Tis a Melodrame-crisis of danger!—and <i>who'll</i> bring a rescue or two?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Maid (British Trade), has been harried and hunted by villains and robbers,</p> +<p>By bold, bad, black-masked foreign foes, and by home-bred monopolist jobbers.</p> +<p>In town or in country alike the poor dear has been chevied and chased.</p> +<p>By rivals deceitful and dark, and by kindred deboshed and debased.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>She once was a proud reigning beauty, who now is a maid all forlorn,</p> +<p>As hopeless and helpless, and tearful as <span class="sc">Ruth</span> midst the alien corn.</p> +<p>Or poor Proserpine snatched by dark Pluto afar from the day and the light;</p> +<p>Torn away—like this maiden—from Ceres, and wrapt—like this maiden—in night.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Perchance she was just a bit haughty in virginal safety and pride;</p> +<p>No rival too near her high throne, Prince <span class="sc">Fortunio</span> aye at her side;</p> +<p>But now a poor <span class="sc">Perdita</span>, prone at the feet of her foes she lies bound,</p> +<p>And that melodramatic thud-thud draweth near—a most menacing sound!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah! sure 'twas enough to deprive the Maid of Protection, her trust!</p> +<p>But this is the last straw of burden that bows her poor back to the dust.</p> +<p>That Monster <i>should</i> be her sworn henchman, and now she lies bound in his path!</p> +<p>Oh! where is the hero who'll rush to her rescue, in chivalrous wrath?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Such champion always turns up—on the stage! <span class="sc">Chaplin, Winchilsea, Boyle,</span></p> +<p><span class="sc">Howard-Vincent</span> & Co., here's your chance. Shall she be that big Monster's mere spoil?</p> +<p>Ah! Surely the Maid is too lovely to leave to the murderous crew</p> +<p>Of the Monster Monopoly's myrmidons! <i>Who</i>'ll bring a rescue or two?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Her First Appearance.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"What! a new Magazine!" just so,</p> +<p>First number, January, "Oh!</p> +<p>So far? yet farther sure will go</p> +<p class="i10"><i>The Mother.</i>"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">School Attendance in Bad Weather.</span>"—"<span class="sc">Sandford</span>" +writes of this to the <i>Times</i>. +Why doesn't <span class="sc">Merton</span>—our <span class="sc">Tommy Merton</span>—speak? +And what has the venerated +Mr. <span class="sc">Barlow</span> got to say?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">The Situation in Europe</span>."—Monte +Carlo (<i>i.e.</i>, for the winter months).</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ETHNOGRAPHICAL ALPHABET.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A is an Afghan, whose knife bids one quail;</p> +<p>B is a Boer, who made England turn pale;</p> +<p>C is a Chinaman, proud of his tail;</p> +<p>D is a Dutchman, who loves pipe and ale;</p> +<p>E is an Eskimo, packed like a bale;</p> +<p>F is a Frenchman, <i>à Paris fidèle</i>;</p> +<p>G is a German, he fought tooth and nail;</p> +<p>H is a Highlander, otherwise Gael;</p> +<p>I is an Irishman, just out of gaol;</p> +<p>J is a Jew at a furniture sale;</p> +<p>K is a Kalmuck, not high in the scale;</p> +<p>L is a Lowlander, swallowing kale;</p> +<p>M a Malay, a most murderous male;</p> +<p>N a Norwegian, who dwells near the whale;</p> +<p>O is an Ojibway, brave on the trail;</p> +<p>P is a Pole with a past to bewail;</p> +<p>Q is a Queenslander, sunburnt and hale;</p> +<p>R is a Russian, against whom we rail;</p> +<p>S is a Spaniard, as slow as a snail;</p> +<p>T is a Turk with his wife in a veil;</p> +<p>U a United States' Student at Yale;</p> +<p>V a Venetian in gondola frail;</p> +<p>W Welshman, with coal, slate,—and shale;</p> +<p>X is a Xanthian—or is he too stale?—</p> +<p>Y is a Yorkshireman, bred by the Swale;</p> +<p>Z is a Zulu;—and now letters fail.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Latest Paradox.—John Strange +Winter</span> is taking Summer-y proceedings +against the Coming Crinoline. Henceforth +she will be always known as "the <span class="sc">Winter</span> +of our Discontent."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Good Bus</span>."—From the <i>Times</i> money +article we learn that <span class="sc">Parr's</span> Banking Co., +Limited, is paying 19 per cent. The price of +the shares, therefore, must be considerably +"<i>above par</i>." Capital this, for <i>Ma'</i>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/031.png"><img width="100%" src="images/031.png" alt="SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE!" /></a><h3>SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE!</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster and the Maid Forlorn."</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"OH! WHO'LL BRING A RESCUE OR TWO TO THE HELP OF A MUCH-INJURED MAID,</p> +<p>THUS CRUELLY BOUND HAND AND FOOT, AND BY MISCREANTS RUTHLESSLY LAID</p> +<p>ON THE LINES, IN THE PATHWAY OF PERIL? THE MONSTER SNORTS NEARER! BOHOO!</p> +<p>'TIS A MELODRAME-CRISIS OF DANGER!—AND <i>WHO'LL</i> BRING A RESCUE OR TWO?"</p> +</div></div></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page32" id="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/033.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033.png" alt="SUBACIDITIES." /></a><h3>SUBACIDITIES.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>Gladys.</i> <span class="sc">"Oh, Muriel dear, that heavenly Frock!—I think it looks lovelier every Year</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE LAY OF THE (MUSIC-HALL) LAUREATE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah! Who talks of the reversion of the Laurel,</p> +<p class="i2">Of your <span class="sc">Morrisses</span>, and <span class="sc">Swinburnes</span>, and that gang?</p> +<p><i>I</i> could lick them in a canter—that's a moral!</p> +<p class="i2">I'm the most prolific bard who ever sang.</p> +<p>Of the modern Music Hall I'm chosen Laureate,</p> +<p class="i2">My cackle and my patter fill the Town;</p> +<p>I'm more popular than <span class="sc">Burns</span>, a thing to glory at;</p> +<p class="i2">My name is <span class="sc">Pindar Boanerges Brown</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You have never heard it mentioned? Highly probable</p> +<p class="i2">A hundred duffers flourish on <i>my</i> fame;</p> +<p>But the Muse is <i>so</i> peculiarly rob-able,</p> +<p class="i2">And I am very little known—by name?</p> +<p>But ask the Big <span class="sc">Bonassus</span>—on the Q. T.—</p> +<p class="i2">Or ask the Sisters <span class="sc">Squorks</span>, of P. B. B.</p> +<p>And they'll tell you Titan Talent, Siren Beauty,</p> +<p class="i2">Would be both the frostiest fizzles but for Me!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Gracious Heavens! When I think of all the cackle</p> +<p class="i2">I have turned out for the heroes of the Halls!!!</p> +<p>No wonder that the task I've now to tackle—</p> +<p class="i2">Something new and smart for <span class="sc">Tricksy Trip</span>!—appals.</p> +<p>I have tried three several songs—and had to "stock 'em,"</p> +<p class="i2">She's imperative; her last Great Hit's played out,</p> +<p>And she wants "a new big thing that's bound to knock 'em."</p> +<p class="i2">And "she'd like it by return of post!"—No doubt!!!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>She does four turns a night, and rakes the shekels;</p> +<p class="i2">She sports a suit of sables and a brougham.</p> +<p>Five years ago a lanky girl, with freckles,</p> +<p class="i2">First fetched 'em with my hit, "<i>The Masher Groom</i>."</p> +<p>And now her limbs spread pink on all the posters,</p> +<p class="i2">And now she drives her pony-chaise—and Me!</p> +<p>Poet-Laureate? I should like to set the boasters</p> +<p class="i2">The tasks I have to try for "<span class="sc">Tricksy T</span>."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I am vivid, I am various, I am versatile;</p> +<p class="i2">I did "<i>Up to the Nines</i>" for <span class="sc">Dandy Dobbs</span>,</p> +<p>And "<i>Smacky-Smack</i>" for "<span class="sc">Tiddlums</span>,"—Isn't <i>hers</i> a tile?—</p> +<p class="i2">"<i>Salvation Sue</i>"—the stiffest of stiff jobs—</p> +<p>For roopy-raspy-voiced and vain "<span class="sc">Œolia</span>,"</p> +<p class="i2">Who dubs herself the <span class="sc">Schneider-Patti Blend</span>;</p> +<p>And now, a prey to stone-broke melancholia,</p> +<p class="i2">I sit and rack my fancy, to no end!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>My ink runs dry, my wits seem gone wool-gathering;</p> +<p class="i2">And yet I know that over half the town</p> +<p><i>My</i> "stuff" the Stars are blaring, bleating, blathering,</p> +<p class="i2">Sacking a tenner where I pouch a crown.</p> +<p>I know that my—anonymous—smart verses,</p> +<p class="i2">Are piling oof for middlemen in sacks,</p> +<p>My verse brings pros. seal-coats and well-stuffed purses</p> +<p class="i2">My back care bows, whilst profits lade <i>their</i> backs.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>If you'll show me any "Poet" more prolific,</p> +<p class="i2">If you'll point to any "patterer" more smart,</p> +<p>One whose "patriotic" zeal is more terrific,</p> +<p class="i2">Who can give me at snide slang the slightest start,</p> +<p>Who can fit a swell, a toff, a cad, a coster,</p> +<p class="i2">At the very shortest notice, as <i>I</i> can,</p> +<p>Why, unless he is a swaggering impostor,</p> +<p class="i2">I will gladly hail him as the Coming Man!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>But he'll have to be a dab at drunken drivel,</p> +<p class="i2">And he'll have to be a daisy at sick gush,</p> +<p>To turn on the taps of swagger and of snivel,</p> +<p class="i2">Raise the row-de-dow heel-chorus and hot flush.</p> +<p>He must know the taste of sensual young masher,</p> +<p class="i2">As well as that of aitch-omitting snob;</p> +<p>And then—well, I'll admit he <i>is</i> a dasher,</p> +<p class="i2">Who, as Laureate (of the Halls) is "on the job!"</p> +</div></div> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Left lamenting.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + +<h2>THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Story in Scenes</span></p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span> I.—<i>Breakfast-room at No. 92a, Porchester Square, Bayswater. +Rhubarb-green and gilt paper, with dark olive dado: +curtains of a nondescript brown. Black marble clock on +grey granite mantelpiece; Landseer engravings; tall book-case, +containing volumes of "The Quiver," "Mission-Work in +Mesopotamia," a cheap Encyclopedia, and the "Popular +History of Europe." +Time, about 9:45.</i> +Mr. <span class="sc">Montague Tidmarsh</span> +<i>is leaving to +catch his omnibus</i>. +Mrs. T. <i>is at her +Davenport in the +window</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>from the door</i>). +Anything else you want +me to do, <span class="sc">Maria</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Don't forget +the turbot—and mind you +choose it yourself—and +the lobster for the sauce—oh, +and look in at <span class="sc">Seakale's</span> +as you pass, and +remind him to be here +punctually at seven, to +help <span class="sc">Jane</span> with the table, +and say I insist on his +waiting in <i>clean</i> white +gloves; and be home early +yourself, and—there, if he +hasn't rushed off before I +remembered half——(Mr. +T. <i>re-appears at the door</i>.) +What is it <i>now</i>, <span class="sc">Montague</span>? +I do wish you'd +start, and have done with +it, instead of keeping <span class="sc">Jane</span> +at the front door, when +she ought to be clearing +away breakfast!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> Very sorry, my +love—I was just going, +when I met a Telegraph-boy +with this, for you, I +hope there's nothing +wrong with Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span>, +I'm sure.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Don't stand +there holding it—give it +to me. (<i>She opens it.</i>) +"Regret impossible dine +to-night—lost Great Aunt +very suddenly.—<span class="sc">Buckram</span>." +How provoking of +the man! And I particularly +wished him to +meet Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span>, because +he is such a good +listener, and they would +be sure to get on together. +As if he hadn't all the +rest of the year to lose his +Aunt in!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> That's <span class="sc">Buckram</span> +all over. Never can +depend upon that fellow. +(<i>Gloomily.</i>) Now we shall +be thirteen at table!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Nonsense, +<span class="sc">Montague</span>—we <i>can't</i> be! +Let me see—Uncle +<span class="sc">Gabriel</span> and Aunt <span class="sc">Joanna</span>, two; the <span class="sc">Ditchwaters</span>, four; <span class="sc">Bodfishes</span>, +six; <span class="sc">Toomers</span>, eight; Miss <span class="sc">Bugle</span>, nine; Mr. <span class="sc">Poffley</span>, +ten; <span class="sc">Cecilia Flinders</span>, eleven, ourselves—we <i>are</i> thirteen! +And I know Uncle will refuse to sit down at all if he notices it; +and, anyway, it is sure to cast a gloom over the whole thing. We +<i>must</i> get somebody!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> Couldn't that Miss—what's her name? <span class="sc">Seaton</span>—dine, +for once?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> The idea, <span class="sc">Montague</span>! Then there would be one Lady +too many—if you can <i>call</i> a Governess a Lady, that is. And I do so +disapprove of taking people out of their proper station.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/034.png"><img width="100%" src="images/034.png" alt="Montague, don't say you went and ordered him." /></a><h3>"Montague, <i>don't</i> say you went and ordered him."</h3></div> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> I might wire to <span class="sc">Filleter</span> or <span class="sc">Makewayt</span>—but I rather +think they're both away, and it won't do to run any risk. Shall I +bring home <span class="sc">Sternstuhl</span> or <span class="sc">Federfuchs</span>? Very quiet, respectable +young fellows, and I could let one of 'em go off early to dress.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Thank you, <span class="sc">Montague</span>—but I won't have one of your +German clerks at <i>my</i> table—everyone would see what he was in a +minute. And he mightn't even have a dress-suit! Let me think ... <i>I</i> +know what we can do. <span class="sc">Blankley</span> supplies extra guests for parties +and things. I remember seeing it in the paper. We must hire a man +there. Go there at once, <span class="sc">Montague</span>, it's very little out of your way, +and tell them to be sure +and send a gentlemanly +person—he needn't talk +much, and he won't be +required to tell any anecdotes. +Make haste, say +they can put him down to +my deposit account.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> I don't half like +the idea, <span class="sc">Maria</span>, but I +suppose it's the only thing +left. I'll go and see what +they can do for us.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He goes out.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I <i>know</i> he'll +make some muddle—I'd +better do it myself! (<i>She +rushes out into the passage.</i>) +<span class="sc">Jane</span>, is your +Master gone? Call him +back—there, I'll do it. +(<i>She calls after Mr. T.'s +retreating form from the +doorstep.</i>) <span class="sc">Montague</span>! +never mind about <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>. +<i>I</i>'ll see to it. Do +you hear?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s Voice</i> (<i>from +the corner</i>). All right, my +love, all right! I hear.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I must go +round before lunch. <span class="sc">Jane</span>, +send Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> to me +in the breakfast-room. +(<i>She goes back to her desk; +presently</i> Miss <span class="sc">Marjory +Seaton</span> <i>enters the room; +she is young and extremely +pretty, with an air of +dejected endurance</i>.) Oh, +Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span>, just copy +out these <i>menus</i> for me, in +your neatest writing, and +see that the French is all +right. You will have +plenty of time for it, as I +shall take Miss <span class="sc">Gwendolen</span> +out myself this morning. +By the way, I shall +expect you to appear in +the drawing-room this +evening before dinner. I +hope you have a suitable +frock?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton.</i> I have a +black one with lace sleeves +and heliotrope <i>chiffon</i>, if +that will do—it was made +in Paris.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You are fortunate +to be able to command +such luxuries. All +<i>my</i> dresses are made in +the Grove.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seat.</i> (<i>biting her +lip</i>). Mine was made when we—before I—— [<i>She checks herself.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You need not remind me <i>quite</i> so often that your circumstances +were formerly different, Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span>, for I am perfectly +aware of the fact. Otherwise, I should not feel justified in bringing +you in contact, even for so short a time, with my relations and +friends, who are <i>most</i> particular. I think that is all I wanted you +for at present. Stop, you are forgetting the <i>menus</i>.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> <i>collects the cards and goes out with compressed lips +as</i> <span class="sc">Jane</span> <i>enters</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Jane.</i> Another telegram, if you please, M'm, and Cook would like +to speak to you about the pheasants. +</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + +<div class="figright" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/035.png"><img width="100%" src="images/035.png" alt="THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY." /></a><h3>THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY. [<i>See <a href="#page33">p. 33.</a></i></h3></div> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Oh, dear me, <span class="sc">Jane</span>! I wish you +wouldn't come and startle me with your +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> +horrid telegrams—there, give it to me. +(<i>Reading.</i>) "Wife down, violent influenza. +Must come without her, <span class="sc">Toomer</span>." (<i>Resentfully.</i>) +Again! and I <i>know</i> she's had it twice +since the spring—it's too tiresomely inconsid—no, +it isn't—it's the very best thing +she could do. Now we shall be only twelve, +and I needn't order that man from <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>, +after all. Poor dear woman, I must +really write her a nice sympathetic little note—so +<i>fortunate</i>!</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span> II.—Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh's</span> <i>Bedroom—Time +7:15.</i> Mrs. T. <i>has just had her +hair dressed by her Maid</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You might have given me more +of a fringe than that, <span class="sc">Pinnifer</span>. You don't +make nearly so much of my hair as you used +to! (<span class="sc">Pinnifer</span> <i>discreetly suppress the obvious +retort</i>.) Well, I suppose that must do. +I shan't require you any more. Go down and +see if the lamps in the drawing-room are +smelling. (<span class="sc">Pinnifer</span> <i>goes; sounds of ablutions +are heard from</i> Mr. T.'s <i>dressing-room</i>.) +<span class="sc">Montague</span>, is that you? I never heard you +come in.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s Voice</i> (<i>indistinctly.</i>) Only just +this moment come up, my dear. Been putting +out the wine.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You always <i>will</i> leave everything +to the last. No, don't come in. What? +How can I hear what you say when you keep +on splashing and spluttering like that?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s Voice</i> (<i>from beneath a towel.</i>) +That dozen of Champagne Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span> +sent has run lower than I thought—only two +bottles and a pint left. And he can't drink +that <i>Saumur</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Two bottles and a half ought to +be ample, if <span class="sc">Seakale</span> manages properly—among +twelve.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> Twelve, my love? you mean +<i>fourteen</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I mean nothing of the sort. +Mrs. <span class="sc">Toomer's</span> got influenza again—luckily, +so of course we shall be just twelve.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> <span class="sc">Maria</span>, why didn't you tell +me that before? Because I say, look here!——</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He half opens the door.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I won't have you coming in here +all over soap, there's nothing to get excited +about. Twelve's a very convenient number.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> Twelve! Yes—but how about +that fellow you told me to order from <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>? +He'll be the thirteenth!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> <span class="sc">Montague</span>, <i>don't</i> say you went +and ordered him, after I expressly said you +were not to mind, and that I would see about +it myself! You heard me call after you from +the front door?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> I—I understood you to say +that I was to mind and see to it myself; and +so I went there the very first thing. The +Manager assured me he would send us a +person accustomed to the best society, who +would give every satisfaction. <i>I</i> couldn't +be expected to know you had changed your +mind!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> How <i>could</i> you be so idiotic! We +simply can't sit down thirteen. Uncle will +think we did it on purpose to shorten his life, +<span class="sc">Montague</span>, do something—write, and put +him off, quick—do you hear?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> (<i>plaintively</i>). My love, I <i>can't</i> +write while I'm like this—and I've no pen +and ink in here, either!</p> + +<p><i>Jane</i> (<i>outside</i>). Please, Sir, <span class="sc">Seakale</span> would +like a word with you about the Sherry you +put out—it don't seem to ta—smell quite +right to him.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Oh, never mind Sherry <i>now</i>. +(<i>She scribbles on a leaf from her pocket-book.</i>) +Here, <span class="sc">Jane</span>, tell <span class="sc">Seakale</span> to run with this to +<span class="sc">Blankley's</span>—quick.... There, <span class="sc">Montague</span> +I've written to <span class="sc">Blankley's</span> not to send the man—they're sure to keep that sort of person +on the premises; so, if <span class="sc">Seakale</span> gets there before they close, it will be all right.... Oh, +don't worry so.... What? White ties! How should <i>I</i> know where they are? You +should speak to <span class="sc">Jane</span>. And do, for goodness sake, make haste! <i>I'm</i> going down.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>alone</i>). <span class="sc">Maria</span>! hi.... She's gone—and she never told me what I'm to do if +this confounded fellow turns up, after all! Hang it, I must have a tie somewhere!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He pulls out drawer after drawer of his wardrobe, in a violent flurry.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figright" style="width:67%;"><a href="images/036.png"><img width="100%" src="images/036.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<h2>THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been established.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What are the duties of a Porter?</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible expedition.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Is there any exception to that general rule?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the bestowal of a tip.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, say, +Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!"</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a military-looking +Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first claim his attention?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Why, of course, the Captain.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking both.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole to the +other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take some time in finding +the required amount of change. If the passenger is irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk +can stop to explain, and remonstrate. In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the +trains, a busy Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging +outside the station.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> When he happens to be in a bad temper.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his superiors have +any effect upon a Booking-Clerk?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either for Melbourne, +Australia, or Timbuctoo.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such circumstances?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> To bear it either with or without a grin.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Is there much point about a Pointsman?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> And does his application of the break suggest anything?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">A Suggestion for Pantomime.</span>—The good Fairy, Sir <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span>, triumphing over +Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, the obstructionists. +Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as <i>Kate Nickleby's</i> lunatic lover observed, +"All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. <span class="sc">Dan Leno</span> and <span class="sc">Campbell</span> are doing great business just +now. <i>Vive</i> <span class="sc">Druriolanus Pantomimicus Imperator</span>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>." What a contrast!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><font size="+1">☞</font>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, January 21, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20704-h.htm or 20704-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/0/20704/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 21, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: February 27, 2007 [EBook #20704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 104. + + + + +January 21, 1893. + + + + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +THE KEEPER. + +(_With an Excursus on Beaters._) + +Of the many varieties of keeper, I propose, at present, to consider only +the average sort of keeper, who looks after a shooting, comprising +partridges, pheasants, hares, and rabbits, in an English county. Now it is +to be observed that your ordinary keeper is not a conversational animal. He +has, as a rule, too much to do to waste time in unnecessary talk. To begin +with, he has to control his staff, the men and boys who walk in line with +you through the root-fields, or beat the coverts for pheasants. That might +seem at first sight to be an easy business, but it is actually one of the +most difficult in the world. For thorough perverse stupidity, you will not +easily match the autochthonous beater. Watch him as he trudges along, slow, +expressionless, clod-resembling, lethargic, and say how you would like to +be the chief of such an army. He is always getting out of line, pressing +forward unduly, or hanging back too much, and the loud voice of the keeper +makes the woods resound with remonstrance, entreaty, and blame, hurled at +his bovine head. After lunch, it is true, the beater wakes up for a little. +Then shall you hear WILLIAM exchanging confidences from one end of the line +to the other with JARGE, while the startled pheasant rises too soon and +goes back, to the despair of the keeper and the guns. Then, too, are heard +the shouts of laughter which greet the appearance of a rabbit, and the air +is thick with the sticks that the joyous, beery beaters fling at the +scurrying form of their hereditary foe. It is marvellous to note with what +a venomous hatred the beater regards the bunny. Pheasant or partridge he is +careless of; even the hare is, in comparison, a thing of nought, but let +him once set eyes on a rabbit, and his whole being seems to change. His eye +absolutely flashes, his chest heaves with excitement beneath the ancient +piece of sacking that protects his form from thorns. If the rabbit falls to +the shot, he yells with exultation; if it be missed, an expression of +morose and gloomy disappointment settles on his face, as who should say, +"Things are played out; the world is worthless!" + +[Illustration: On their Beat.] + +All these characteristics are the keeper's despair; though, to be sure, he +has staunch lieutenants in his under-keepers; and towards the end of the +day he can always count on two sympathising allies in the postman and the +policeman. These two never fail to come out in the afternoon to join the +beaters. It is amusing to watch the demeanour of the beaters in the +policeman's presence. Some of them, it is possible, have been immeshed by +the law, and have made the constable's acquaintance in his professional +capacity. Others are conscious of undiscovered peccadilloes, or they feel +that on some future day they may be led to transgress rules, of which the +policeman is the sturdy embodiment. None of them is, therefore, quite at +his best in the policeman's presence. Their attitude may be described +as one of uneasy familiarity, bursting here and there into jocular +nervousness, but never quite attaining the rollicking point. You may +sometimes take advantage of this feeling to let off a joke on a beater. +Select a stout, plethoric one, and say to him, "Mind you keep your eye on +the policeman, or he'll poach a rabbit before you can say knife." This +simple inversion of probabilities and positions is quite certain to "go." A +hesitating smile will first creep into the corners of the beater's eye. +After an interval spent in grappling with the jest, he will become purple, +and finally he will explode. + +During the rest of the day you will hear him repeating your little +pleasantry either to himself or to his companions. You can keep it up by +saying now and then, "How many did the constable pocket that last beat?" +(_Shouts of laughter._) Thus shall your reputation as a humorist be +established amongst the beating fraternity--("that 'ere Muster JACKSON, 'e +do make a chap laugh, that 'e do," is the formula)--and if you revisit the +same shooting next year, a beater is sure to take an opportunity of saying +to you, with a grin on his face, "Policeman's a comin' out to-day, Sir; I'm +a goin' to hev my eye tight on 'im, so as 'e don't pocket no rabbits," to +which you will reply, "That's right, GEORGE, you stick to it, and you'll be +a policeman yourself some day," at which impossible anticipation there will +be fresh explosions of mirth. So easily pleased is the rustic mind, so +tenacious is the rustic memory. + +But the head-keeper recks not of these things. All the anxiety of the day +is his. If, for one reason or another, he fails to show as good a head of +game as had been expected, he knows his master will be displeased. If the +beaters prove intractable, the birds go wrong, but the burden of the host's +disappointment falls on the keeper's shoulders. His are all the petty +worries, the little failures of the day. The keeper is, therefore, not +given to conversation. How should he be, with all these responsibilities +weighing upon him? Few of those who shoot realise what the keeper has gone +through to provide the sport. Inclement nights spent in the open, untiring +vigilance by day and by night, a constant and patient care of his birds +during the worst seasons, short hours of sleep, and long hours of tramping, +such is the keeper's life. And, after all, what a fine fellow is a good +keeper. In what other race of men can you find in a higher degree the best +and manliest qualities, unswerving fidelity, dauntless courage, unflinching +endurance of hardship and fatigue, and an upright honesty of conduct and +demeanour? I protest that if ever the sport of game-shooting is attacked, +one powerful argument in its favour may be found in the fact that it +produces such men as these, and fosters their staunch virtues. Think well +of all this, my young friend, and do not vex the harassed keeper with idle +and frivolous remarks. But you may permit yourself to say to him, during +the day, "That's a nice dog of yours; works capitally." + +"Yes, Sir," the keeper will say, "he's not a bad 'un for a young 'un. +Plenty of good blood in him. His mother's old _Dido_. I've had to leave her +at home to-day, because she's got a sore foot; but her nose is something +wonderful." + +"Did you have much trouble breaking him?" + +"Lor' bless you, Sir, no. He took to it like a duck to the water. Nothing +comes amiss to him. You stand there, Sir, and you'll get some nice birds +over you. They mostly breaks this way." + +That kind of conversation establishes good relations, always an important +thing. Or you may hint to him that he knows his business better than the +host, as thus:-- + +"I must have been in the wrong place that last beat. Not a single bird came +near me." + +"Of course you were, Sir. I knew how it would be. I wanted you fifty yards +higher up, but Mr. CHALMERS, he would have you here. Lor, I've never known +birds break here. Now then, you boys, stop that chattering, or I sends you +all home. Seem to think they're out here to enjoy theirselves, instead of +doing as I tells 'em. Come, rattle your sticks!" + +Thus are the little beaters and the stops admonished. + + * * * * * + +FROM A MODERN ENGLISH EXAMINATION-PAPER + +_Which young Mr. D. Brown went in to floor, but which floored him._ + +_Question._ What is the meaning of "to deodorise." Give the derivation. + +_Answer._ "To deodorise" is to gild the statue of a heathen deity. +Literally "to gild a god." This compound verb is derived from "_Deus_," +dative "_Deo_," and the Greek verb "[Greek: dorixo], _i.e._ to gild." + +_Q._ What is a "Manicure"? Give its derivation. + +_A._ It is another term for a Mad Doctor. Its derivation is +obvious--"Maniac Cure." The last syllable of the first word being omitted +for the sake of convenience in pronunciation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS. + +(_Mr. Punch's Dreadful New Year's Dream after a Surfeit of Mince Pies and +"Times" Correspondence._)] + + * * * * * + +THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS. + + I had a Dream, which was not all a Dream. + (By Somnus and old Nox I fear 'twas _not_!) + Common-sense was extinguished, and Good Taste + Did wonder darkling on the verge of doom. + I saw a Monster, a malign, marine, + Mysterious, many-whorled, mug-lumbering Bogey, + Stretched (like Miltonian angels on the marl) + In league-long loops upon the billowy brine. + Beshrew thee, old familiar ocean Bogey, + Thou spectral spook of many Silly Seasons, + Beshrew thee, and avaunt! Which being put + In post-Shakspearian vernacular, means + Confound, you, and Get out!!! The monstrous worm + Wriggling its corkscrew periwinkly twists + Of trunk and tail alternate, winked huge goggles + Derisively and gurgled. "_Me_ get out, + The Science-vouched, and Literature-upheld, + And Reason-rehabilitated butt + Of many years of misdirected mockery? + You ask omniscient HUXLEY, cocksure oracle + On all from protoplasm to Home Rule, + From Scripture to Sea Serpents; go consult + Belligerent, brave, beloved BILLY RUSSELL! + Verisimilitude incarnate, I + Scorn your vain sceptic mirth! + Besides, behold + The portent riding me, as Thetis rode + The lolloping, wolloping sea-horse of old! + Is it less likely that _I_ should remain + Than _she_ return?" + Then, horror-thrilled, I gazed + At her, the Abominable, the Ogreish Thing; + The soul-revolting, sense-degrading She, + Who swayed and sickened, scourged and scarified + The unwilling slaves of fashion and discomfort + A quarter of a century since! + She sat, + A spectral, scraggy, beet-nosed, ankle-less, + Obtrusive-panted, splay-foot, slattern-shape, + Of grim Medusa-faced Immodesty, + Caged cumbrously in a stiff, swaying, swollen, + Shin-scarifying, hose-revealing frame + Of wide-meshed metal, like a monster mousetrap-- + Hideous, indecent, awkward! + Oh, I knew her-- + This loathly _revenant_, revisiting + The glimpses of the moon. She shamed my sight, + And blocked my way, and marred my young men's art, + Twenty years syne and more. 'Twas CRINOLINA, + The long-abiding, happily banished horror + We hoped to see no more. _Shall_ she return + To vex our souls, unsex our wives and daughters, + And spoil our pictures as she did of old? + Forbid it, womanhood and modesty! + And if _they_ won't, let manhood and sound sense + Arise in wrath and warn the horror off, + Ere she effect a lodgment on the limbs + Of pretty girls, or clothe our matron's shapes + With shame as with a garment. + "Get thee gone!" + Cries _Punch_, and shakes his gingham in her face. + "The Silly Season's Nemesis we may stand, + But thou, the loathlier Bogey? _Garn away!_ + (As 'LIZA said to amorous 'ARRY 'AWKINS) + Avaunt, skedaddle, slope, absquatulate, + Go, gruesome ghoul--go quickly--and for ever!!!" + + * * * * * + +MRS. R.'S nephew read out an announcement to the effect that Messrs. +MACMILLAN were about to publish Lord CARNARVON'S "Prometheus Bound." +"Indeed!" exclaimed Mr. R.'s excellent aunt. "That's very vague. Doesn't it +say how it's to be bound?--whether in calf or vellum?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE." + +_Hostess._ "ER--ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE--ER--MR. CORNELIUS P. VAN DUNK, FROM +CHICAGO--MR. KEMBLE MACREADY KEAN, THE GREAT TRAGEDIAN, AND MANAGER OF THE +PARTHENON." + +_Mr. Van Dunk._ "MR. KEMBLE MACREADY KEAN! SIR, YOUR NAME'S VERY FAMILIAR +TO ME, AND I'M PROUD TO KNOW YOU!--AND I SHALL TAKE AN EARLY OPPORTUNITY OF +ASKING YOU FOR SOME ORDERS FOR YOUR THEATRE!"] + + * * * * * + +LAPSUS LINGUAE. + + ["There is scarcely one of us who does not violate some rule of + English grammar in every sentence which he speaks."--_Daily + News._] + + + Never we dreamt of this horrible blundering! + Up to the present, we cheerfully spoke + Quite unaware of our errors, nor wondering + How many rules in each sentence we broke. + + Now we can scarcely pronounce the admission that + Grammar and parsing we freely neglect, + Scarcely can dare to make humble petition that + Someone or other will cure this defect! + + Often we err in the use of each particle, + Seldom observe where our adverbs belong, + Wholly misplace the indefinite article, + In our subjunctives go hopelessly wrong! + + What can we do? Will the _Daily News_ qualify + As an instructor in matters like these? + How can we quickest successfully mollify + Those whom our errors must sadly displease? + + Scarce can we venture the veriest platitude, + May not its grammar be shamefully weak? + You, _Mr. Punch_, can rely on our gratitude, + If you will tell us--how _ought_ we to speak? + + * * * * * + +A DARK SAYING.--Had HILDA DAWSON--who, as reported in the _D. T._ one day +last week, was haled before Sir PETER EDLIN--been a character in some play +of SHAKSPEARE'S, to whom the Bard had given these words to utter--"And this +is what you call trial by Jury! Why they are not fit to try shoemakers!" +what voluminous suggestions and explanations of the meaning of this phrase +would not the learned Commentators have written! What emendations, +alterations, or amendments of the text would not have been proposed! +Perhaps, some hundreds of years hence, this dark saying of HILDA DAWSON'S +will engage the close attention of some among the then existing learned +body of Antiquaries. + + * * * * * + +"SOUNDS RATHER LIKE IT."--In France the Ministry of Foreign Affairs has +gone to the DEVELLE. + + * * * * * + +THE HAYMARKET HYPATIA. + +That I never could struggle through CHARLES KINGSLEY'S novel _Hypatia_, is, +as far as I am personally concerned, very much in favour of my pronouncing +an unbiassed opinion on the "_new classical play_" ("Historical," if you +like, but not "classical," and there is not the slightest chance of its +becoming a "classic") written by G. STUART OGILVIE, entitled _Hypatia_, and +"_founded on_ KINGSLEY'S _celebrated Novel_," which "celebrated Novel" is, +for me at least, not only "celebrated," but "remarkable," as being one of +the very few works of fiction (excepting always the majority of KINGSLEY'S +works) completely baffling my powers of endurance. + +[Illustration: The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting. "_Heraclian_ must +win." Notice the _Rara Nativa Oysteriana Shrub_ in the background.] + +[Illustration: Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus.] + +Mr. STUART OGILVIE'S Drama may be a clever adaptation of a story difficult +to adapt; but that his play is powerfully dramatic, even when it arrives at +what, as I conceive, was intended to be its strongest dramatic situation in +the Second Scene of the Third Act, no one but an _Umbra_ (to be +"classical"), a sycophant, a "creature," or a contentious noodle, could +possibly assert. Yet, as a series of _tableaux vivants_, illustrating +scenes in the public and private life of _Issachar_ the Jew,--and that +Jew Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, so artistically made up as to be absolutely +unrecognisable by those who know him best,--the action is decidedly +interesting up to the end of the Third Act. After that, all is tumult. The +gay and seductive _Orestes_, Prefect of Alexandria (carefully played by Mr. +LEWIS WALLER) is slain, anyhow, all higgledy-piggledy, by the Jew, +_Issachar_, whose seductive daughter _Ruth_ (sweetly and gently represented +by Miss OLGA BRANDON) this gay LOTHARIO of a Prefect has contrived, not, +apparently, with any great difficulty, to lead astray, or, to put it +"classically," to seduce from the narrow path of such virtue as is common +alike to Pagan, Jew, and Christian. As for handsome _Hypatia_ herself, +magnificent though Miss JULIA NEILSON be as a classic model for a painter, +she is nowhere, dramatically, in the piece, when contrasted with the +unhappy Jewish Family of two. It is the story of _Issachar_, his daughter +and _Orestes_, that absorbs the interest; and, as to what becomes of +_Cyril_ and his Merry Monks, of _Philammon_ (which, when pronounced, sounds +like a modern Cockney-rendering of PHILIP HAMMOND, with the aspirate +omitted and the final "d" dropped), of old _Theon_ (who never appears but +he is immediately sent away again, and therefore might be termed +"_The-on-and-off-'un_"), and, finally, of even that charming specimen of a +Girton Girl-Lecturer on Philosophy _Hypatia_ herself, well--to adopt HOOD'S +couplet about the Poor in London,-- + + "Where they goes, or how they fares, Nobody knows and nobody + cares." + +The entire interest is centred in _Issachar_, and had the author devised +some strong dramatic climax (such as occurs in that play of SARDOU'S where +SARAH B. stabs PAUL BERTON) with which to finish the piece, when the +Prefect should have been killed either by _Issachar_ or by _Miriam_ (SARDOU +would have made _Issachar's_ daughter the heroine--the SARA BERNHARDT of +the piece) then, in the penultimate Act, anything tragic, or otherwise, +might picturesquely and appropriately have happened to the classic Girton +girl, _Hypatia_, and Master _Phil 'Ammon_, the good young Monk so inclined +to go wrong, to the great contentment of the audience. + +Mr. TREE makes a thoroughly oriental type of _Issachar_, and it is within +an ace of being a grand impersonation. What that ace exactly is, it is +somewhat difficult to say, but what _is_ wanting is wanting in his great +scene with his daughter. If the dramatist had given him such another final +chance as I have already suggested, the character might have been +dramatically perfected in Mr. TREE'S hands. As it is, both by author and +actor it is left "to be finished in our next." + +Mr. TERRY is good as the amatory Monk, and Miss JULIA NEILSON is +statuesquely graceful as _Hypatia_. If I say "she is making strides in her +profession," I must be taken to allude not to her vast improvement +histrionically, but to the long steps which she takes across the stage. + +The costumes are admirable, especially that of _Issachar_, on whose attire +the Messrs. NATHAN as Israel-lights-and-leaders must be considered high +authorities. + +[Illustration: From an Ancient Vase found in the Haymarket.] + +Mr. ALMA TADEMA, R.A., is responsible for the designs of the scenery by +Messrs. JOHNSTONE, HANN, HALL, and HARKER. [Great chance for 'ARRY 'ere! +"Scenery by 'ANN--a lady artist of course--then 'ALL and then 'ARKER, from +designs by HALMA TADEMA." "I s'pose HALMA'S a artistic shemale," 'ARRY +would say: "cos I know as there's another HALMA on the stage, leastways on +the Music 'All stage, and she's HALMA STANLEY."] Whatever the designing +ALMA may have done, I cannot say much for the reproduction of his favourite +game of marbles. The "marble halls" lack polish; but the Market Place, The +Court of _Hypatia's_ House, _Issachar's_ snuggery, and a Street in +Alexandria, are highly effective pictures. But I should like to know if in +Mr. ALMA TADEMA'S design for the Monk's dress, Mr. FRED TERRY found a small +black and silver crucifix of very modern workmanship suspended from the +girdle, as this religious emblem did not come into use until a much later +date. By the way, ecclesiastical ornaments must have been cheap in those +days to warrant _Bishop Cyril_ (strongly rendered by Mr. FERNANDEZ) +flaunting about the streets of Alexandria in such rainbow robes as, in a +later age, would have led people to imagine that he had just broken out of +the stained glass window of a Gothic Cathedral. Two thousand years hence +the New Zealand dramatist may represent the Archbishop of CANTERBURY as +walking about London in his lawn sleeves with coronation cope and mitre, or +Cardinal HERBERT VAUGHAN as wearing his scarlet hat and robes, and riding +in a Hansom cab, having been unable to pick up his own Cardinal's train. +All this were hypercriticism, but that the name of ALMA TADEMA, R.A., is a +public guarantee for academical accuracy. + +Anyhow, _Hypatia_, if not "a famous victory"--is at least a fine spectacle, +with some fine acting in it, but this is mainly confined to Mr. BEERBOHM +TREE. As the very heavy father, Mr. KEMBLE has not been allowed half a +chance. Why should he not alternate characters with Mr. FERNANDEZ, and for +three nights a week appear as _Cyril_ the Bishop, while FERNANDEZ would be +_Hypatia's_ parent who has to grovel on the steps while his highly educated +child is lecturing, who has to comfort her in her terror, and be turned out +neck and crop whenever nobody on the scene wants him, which by the way, +happens rather frequently. + +The music to a Drama is generally a minor affair, but, in this instance, it +is both major and minor, and has been specially written for the piece by +Dr. HUBERT PARRY. As this play is not an "adaptation from the French," the +music of this Composer is the only _article de Parry_ about the piece, and, +being strikingly appropriate, it proves an attraction of itself. It is +conducted by the Wagnerian ARMBRUSTER, who, with his Merry Men, is hidden +away under the stage, much as was the Ghost of _Hamlet's_ father whom +_Hamlet_ irreverently styled "Old Truepenny." Altogether a notable piece. +_Prosit!_ + +THE B IN A BOX. + + * * * * * + +CHEAP LAW IN THE CITY. + +_Probable Development of the new "London Chamber of Arbitration," for the +economical Settlement of Disputes without recourse to Litigation_ + +[Illustration: "'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand murder defence, +Guv'nor?" + +"Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise Department?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The one volume entitled _My Flirtations_, written by MARGARET WYNMAN (so +like a real name!), and published by Messrs. CHATTO AND WINDUS, consists of +short stories setting forth the varied experiences of an uncommonly 'cute +young lady. It is a literary portfolio of lively sketches of men and women, +"their tricks and their manners," all most amusing, and told in a naturally +easy and epigrammatic style. Some of the characters are evidently +intended for portraits, which anyone living in the London world could +easily label--(which by changing "a" into "i" would be the probable +consequence)--were he not baffled by the art of the skilful writer, and by +the equally skilful illustrator--our Mr. PARTRIDGE--who have, the pair +of them, combined to throw the reader off the right scent. The one +mistake--not a fatal error, however,--which this authoress has made, +is that of getting herself engaged in the last story. Not married, +fortunately; only engaged. Consequently the match can be broken off. Let +her be "engaged" on another volume. She can be married at the end of +volume three, and may give us her experiences as the wife of Mr. +Whoever-it-may-be. Will the clever authoress accept this well-meant hint +from her literary and critical admirer, THE GALLANT BARON DE B.-W.? + + * * * * * + +ROBERT WITH THE CHILDREN AT GILDHALL. + +Well, I don't quite kno as I quite hunderstans what's bin a goin on in our +old Sacred Gildall, or weather it's all xactly what sum of our werry +sollemest Holldermen, or ewen our werry anshent Depputys, might admire; but +I must say, for myself, that too thowsand more owdashus boys, and larfing +gals, I never seed nor herd than I did on Toosday larst, for about fore +hours, in old Gildall aforesaid! + +Jest to show how the werry best, aye and the werry wisest on us, gets +carried away by the site of swarms of appy children a enjoying thereselves, +as praps they never did afore, I feels myself compelled to state, that our +good kind Lord MARE was so delighted to see sich swarms of appy children +all round him and looking up to him so appy and so grateful, that, jest +afore it was time to go, he acshally told 'em a most wunderful story all +about two great Giants as lived in the rain of King LUD, on Ludgate Hill. I +was that estonished when he begun, as to amost think that GOG and MAGOG, as +stood on both sides of him, would begin to grin, but that was, of course, +only a passing delushun. But didn't all the children lissen with open +mouths when the Lord MARE told 'em that one of the Giants had too heads, +and the other three! and that a very good boy named JACK managed to kill +'em both! + +And so all was ended but the cheering, and that the pore delited children +kept up till they all marched out, smiling and appy, and wishing as such +glorious heavenings was in store for them in grand old Gildall for many, +many years to come, and with sitch a Lord Mare to see as everything was +done as it had been done that jolly heavening. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +DWARFS.--Of course there are dwarfs. Lots of 'em all over the world. At +least no experienced traveller ever yet made a stay in any country without +becoming acquainted with plenty of people who were "uncommonly 'short' just +at that moment,"--"that moment" being when the impecunious traveller wanted +to obtain a slight loan. The author of _Borrow in Spain_ would have been an +authority on such a subject. + + * * * * * + +TRANSFORMATION SCENE.--Dear Sir, I see by the paper that "Mr. EDMUND YATES +has been made a J. P." Odd! What does "J. P." stand for? Oh, of course, +"JOE PARKINSON." But does "E. Y." on becoming "J. P." cease to be +"MOI-MEME"?--Yours, M. MUDDLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TOO INQUIRING MIND. + +"HOW WAS _I_ MADE, MAMMIE DARLING? WAS I _KNITTED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST TRADE OUTRAGE! + +(_Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster +and the Maid Forlorn."_) + + ["A large number of complaints have reached the Board of Trade + with regard to increase in the new rates adopted by Railway + Companies as from January 1 ... among other complaints of increase + of rates for the conveyance of milk, grain, hay and other + agricultural produce, firewood, live stock, coal and coke, iron + and hardware."--Sir COURTENAY BOYLE _to the Secretary of the + Railway Companies Association_.] + + Oh! who'll bring a rescue or two to the help of a much-injured Maid, + Thus cruelly bound hand and foot, and by miscreants ruthlessly laid + On the lines, in the Pathway of Peril? The Monster snorts nearer! Bohoo! + 'Tis a Melodrame-crisis of danger!--and _who'll_ bring a rescue or two? + + The Maid (British Trade), has been harried and hunted by villains and + robbers, + By bold, bad, black-masked foreign foes, and by home-bred monopolist + jobbers. + In town or in country alike the poor dear has been chevied and chased. + By rivals deceitful and dark, and by kindred deboshed and debased. + + She once was a proud reigning beauty, who now is a maid all forlorn, + As hopeless and helpless, and tearful as RUTH midst the alien corn. + Or poor Proserpine snatched by dark Pluto afar from the day and the + light; + Torn away--like this maiden--from Ceres, and wrapt--like this maiden--in + night. + + Perchance she was just a bit haughty in virginal safety and pride; + No rival too near her high throne, Prince FORTUNIO aye at her side; + But now a poor PERDITA, prone at the feet of her foes she lies bound, + And that melodramatic thud-thud draweth near--a most menacing sound! + + Ah! sure 'twas enough to deprive the Maid of Protection, her trust! + But this is the last straw of burden that bows her poor back to the dust. + That Monster _should_ be her sworn henchman, and now she lies bound in + his path! + Oh! where is the hero who'll rush to her rescue, in chivalrous wrath? + + Such champion always turns up--on the stage! CHAPLIN, WINCHILSEA, BOYLE, + HOWARD-VINCENT & Co., here's your chance. Shall she be that big Monster's + mere spoil? + Ah! Surely the Maid is too lovely to leave to the murderous crew + Of the Monster Monopoly's myrmidons! _Who_'ll bring a rescue or two? + + * * * * * + +Her First Appearance. + + + "What! a new Magazine!" just so, + First number, January, "Oh! + So far? yet farther sure will go + _The Mother._" + + * * * * * + +"SCHOOL ATTENDANCE IN BAD WEATHER."--"SANDFORD" writes of this to the +_Times_. Why doesn't MERTON--our TOMMY MERTON--speak? And what has the +venerated Mr. BARLOW got to say? + + * * * * * + +"THE SITUATION IN EUROPE."--Monte Carlo (_i.e._, for the winter months). + + * * * * * + +ETHNOGRAPHICAL ALPHABET. + + A is an Afghan, whose knife bids one quail; + B is a Boer, who made England turn pale; + C is a Chinaman, proud of his tail; + D is a Dutchman, who loves pipe and ale; + E is an Eskimo, packed like a bale; + F is a Frenchman, _a Paris fidele_; + G is a German, he fought tooth and nail; + H is a Highlander, otherwise Gael; + I is an Irishman, just out of gaol; + J is a Jew at a furniture sale; + K is a Kalmuck, not high in the scale; + L is a Lowlander, swallowing kale; + M a Malay, a most murderous male; + N a Norwegian, who dwells near the whale; + O is an Ojibway, brave on the trail; + P is a Pole with a past to bewail; + Q is a Queenslander, sunburnt and hale; + R is a Russian, against whom we rail; + S is a Spaniard, as slow as a snail; + T is a Turk with his wife in a veil; + U a United States' Student at Yale; + V a Venetian in gondola frail; + W Welshman, with coal, slate,--and shale; + X is a Xanthian--or is he too stale?-- + Y is a Yorkshireman, bred by the Swale; + Z is a Zulu;--and now letters fail. + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST PARADOX.--JOHN STRANGE WINTER is taking Summer-y proceedings +against the Coming Crinoline. Henceforth she will be always known as "the +WINTER of our Discontent." + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BUS."--From the _Times_ money article we learn that PARR'S Banking +Co., Limited, is paying 19 per cent. The price of the shares, therefore, +must be considerably "_above par_." Capital this, for _Ma'_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE! + +(_Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster +and the Maid Forlorn."_) + + "OH! WHO'LL BRING A RESCUE OR TWO TO THE HELP OF A MUCH-INJURED MAID, + THUS CRUELLY BOUND HAND AND FOOT, AND BY MISCREANTS RUTHLESSLY LAID + ON THE LINES, IN THE PATHWAY OF PERIL? THE MONSTER SNORTS NEARER! BOHOO! + 'TIS A MELODRAME-CRISIS OF DANGER!--AND _WHO'LL_ BRING A RESCUE OR TWO?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBACIDITIES. + +_Gladys._ "OH, MURIEL DEAR, THAT HEAVENLY FROCK!--I THINK IT LOOKS LOVELIER +EVERY YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF THE (MUSIC-HALL) LAUREATE. + + Ah! Who talks of the reversion of the Laurel, + Of your MORRISSES, and SWINBURNES, and that gang? + _I_ could lick them in a canter--that's a moral! + I'm the most prolific bard who ever sang. + Of the modern Music Hall I'm chosen Laureate, + My cackle and my patter fill the Town; + I'm more popular than BURNS, a thing to glory at; + My name is PINDAR BOANERGES BROWN. + + You have never heard it mentioned? Highly probable + A hundred duffers flourish on _my_ fame; + But the Muse is _so_ peculiarly rob-able, + And I am very little known--by name? + But ask the Big BONASSUS--on the Q. T.-- + Or ask the Sisters SQUORKS, of P. B. B. + And they'll tell you Titan Talent, Siren Beauty, + Would be both the frostiest fizzles but for Me! + + Gracious Heavens! When I think of all the cackle + I have turned out for the heroes of the Halls!!! + No wonder that the task I've now to tackle-- + Something new and smart for TRICKSY TRIP!--appals. + I have tried three several songs--and had to "stock 'em," + She's imperative; her last Great Hit's played out, + And she wants "a new big thing that's bound to knock 'em." + And "she'd like it by return of post!"--No doubt!!! + + She does four turns a night, and rakes the shekels; + She sports a suit of sables and a brougham. + Five years ago a lanky girl, with freckles, + First fetched 'em with my hit, "_The Masher Groom_." + And now her limbs spread pink on all the posters, + And now she drives her pony-chaise--and Me! + Poet-Laureate? I should like to set the boasters + The tasks I have to try for "TRICKSY T." + + I am vivid, I am various, I am versatile; + I did "_Up to the Nines_" for DANDY DOBBS, + And "_Smacky-Smack_" for "TIDDLUMS,"--Isn't _hers_ a tile?-- + "_Salvation Sue_"--the stiffest of stiff jobs-- + For roopy-raspy-voiced and vain "OEOLIA," + Who dubs herself the SCHNEIDER-PATTI BLEND; + And now, a prey to stone-broke melancholia, + I sit and rack my fancy, to no end! + + My ink runs dry, my wits seem gone wool-gathering; + And yet I know that over half the town + _My_ "stuff" the Stars are blaring, bleating, blathering, + Sacking a tenner where I pouch a crown. + I know that my--anonymous--smart verses, + Are piling oof for middlemen in sacks, + My verse brings pros. seal-coats and well-stuffed purses + My back care bows, whilst profits lade _their_ backs. + + If you'll show me any "Poet" more prolific, + If you'll point to any "patterer" more smart, + One whose "patriotic" zeal is more terrific, + Who can give me at snide slang the slightest start, + Who can fit a swell, a toff, a cad, a coster, + At the very shortest notice, as _I_ can, + Why, unless he is a swaggering impostor, + I will gladly hail him as the Coming Man! + + But he'll have to be a dab at drunken drivel, + And he'll have to be a daisy at sick gush, + To turn on the taps of swagger and of snivel, + Raise the row-de-dow heel-chorus and hot flush. + He must know the taste of sensual young masher, + As well as that of aitch-omitting snob; + And then--well, I'll admit he _is_ a dasher, + Who, as Laureate (of the Halls) is "on the job!" + + [_Left lamenting._ + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S. + +A STORY IN SCENES + + SCENE I.--_Breakfast-room at No. 92a, Porchester Square, + Bayswater. Rhubarb-green and gilt paper, with dark olive dado: + curtains of a nondescript brown. Black marble clock on grey + granite mantelpiece; Landseer engravings; tall book-case, + containing volumes of "The Quiver," "Mission-Work in Mesopotamia," + a cheap Encyclopedia, and the "Popular History of Europe." Time, + about 9:45._ Mr. MONTAGUE TIDMARSH _is leaving to catch his + omnibus_. Mrs. T. _is at her Davenport in the window_. + +_Mr. T._ (_from the door_). Anything else you want me to do, MARIA? + +_Mrs. T._ Don't forget the turbot--and mind you choose it yourself--and the +lobster for the sauce--oh, and look in at SEAKALE'S as you pass, and remind +him to be here punctually at seven, to help JANE with the table, and say I +insist on his waiting in _clean_ white gloves; and be home early yourself, +and--there, if he hasn't rushed off before I remembered half----(Mr. T. +_re-appears at the door_.) What is it _now_, MONTAGUE? I do wish you'd +start, and have done with it, instead of keeping JANE at the front door, +when she ought to be clearing away breakfast! + +_Mr. T._ Very sorry, my love--I was just going, when I met a Telegraph-boy +with this, for you, I hope there's nothing wrong with Uncle GABRIEL, I'm +sure. + +_Mrs. T._ Don't stand there holding it--give it to me. (_She opens it._) +"Regret impossible dine to-night--lost Great Aunt very suddenly.--BUCKRAM." +How provoking of the man! And I particularly wished him to meet Uncle +GABRIEL, because he is such a good listener, and they would be sure to get +on together. As if he hadn't all the rest of the year to lose his Aunt in! + +_Mr. T._ That's BUCKRAM all over. Never can depend upon that fellow. +(_Gloomily._) Now we shall be thirteen at table! + +_Mrs. T._ Nonsense, MONTAGUE--we _can't_ be! Let me see--Uncle GABRIEL and +Aunt JOANNA, two; the DITCHWATERS, four; BODFISHES, six; TOOMERS, eight; +Miss BUGLE, nine; Mr. POFFLEY, ten; CECILIA FLINDERS, eleven, ourselves--we +_are_ thirteen! And I know Uncle will refuse to sit down at all if he +notices it; and, anyway, it is sure to cast a gloom over the whole thing. +We _must_ get somebody! + +_Mr. T._ Couldn't that Miss--what's her name? SEATON--dine, for once? + +_Mrs. T._ The idea, MONTAGUE! Then there would be one Lady too many--if you +can _call_ a Governess a Lady, that is. And I do so disapprove of taking +people out of their proper station. + +[Illustration: "Montague, _don't_ say you went and ordered him."] + +_Mr. T._ I might wire to FILLETER or MAKEWAYT--but I rather think they're +both away, and it won't do to run any risk. Shall I bring home STERNSTUHL +or FEDERFUCHS? Very quiet, respectable young fellows, and I could let one +of 'em go off early to dress. + +_Mrs. T._ Thank you, MONTAGUE--but I won't have one of your German clerks +at _my_ table--everyone would see what he was in a minute. And he mightn't +even have a dress-suit! Let me think ... _I_ know what we can do. BLANKLEY +supplies extra guests for parties and things. I remember seeing it in the +paper. We must hire a man there. Go there at once, MONTAGUE, it's very +little out of your way, and tell them to be sure and send a gentlemanly +person--he needn't talk much, and he won't be required to tell any +anecdotes. Make haste, say they can put him down to my deposit account. + +_Mr. T._ I don't half like the idea, MARIA, but I suppose it's the only +thing left. I'll go and see what they can do for us. + + [_He goes out._ + +_Mrs. T._ I _know_ he'll make some muddle--I'd better do it myself! (_She +rushes out into the passage._) JANE, is your Master gone? Call him +back--there, I'll do it. (_She calls after Mr. T.'s retreating form from +the doorstep._) MONTAGUE! never mind about BLANKLEY'S. _I_'ll see to it. Do +you hear? + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from the corner_). All right, my love, all right! I +hear. + +_Mrs. T._ I must go round before lunch. JANE, send Miss SEATON to me in the +breakfast-room. (_She goes back to her desk; presently_ Miss MARJORY SEATON +_enters the room; she is young and extremely pretty, with an air of +dejected endurance_.) Oh, Miss SEATON, just copy out these _menus_ for me, +in your neatest writing, and see that the French is all right. You will +have plenty of time for it, as I shall take Miss GWENDOLEN out myself this +morning. By the way, I shall expect you to appear in the drawing-room this +evening before dinner. I hope you have a suitable frock? + +_Miss Seaton._ I have a black one with lace sleeves and heliotrope +_chiffon_, if that will do--it was made in Paris. + +_Mrs. T._ You are fortunate to be able to command such luxuries. All _my_ +dresses are made in the Grove. + +_Miss Seat._ (_biting her lip_). Mine was made when we--before I---- [_She +checks herself._ + +_Mrs. T._ You need not remind me _quite_ so often that your circumstances +were formerly different, Miss SEATON, for I am perfectly aware of the fact. +Otherwise, I should not feel justified in bringing you in contact, even for +so short a time, with my relations and friends, who are _most_ particular. +I think that is all I wanted you for at present. Stop, you are forgetting +the _menus_. + + [Miss SEATON _collects the cards and goes out with compressed lips + as_ JANE _enters_. + +_Jane._ Another telegram, if you please, M'm, and Cook would like to speak +to you about the pheasants. + +[Illustration: THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY. [_See p. 33._ + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, dear me, JANE! I wish you wouldn't come and startle me with +your horrid telegrams--there, give it to me. (_Reading._) "Wife down, +violent influenza. Must come without her, TOOMER." (_Resentfully._) Again! +and I _know_ she's had it twice since the spring--it's too tiresomely +inconsid--no, it isn't--it's the very best thing she could do. Now we shall +be only twelve, and I needn't order that man from BLANKLEY'S, after all. +Poor dear woman, I must really write her a nice sympathetic little note--so +_fortunate_! + + + SCENE II.--Mrs. TIDMARSH'S _Bedroom--Time 7:15._ Mrs. T. _has just + had her hair dressed by her Maid_. + +_Mrs. T._ You might have given me more of a fringe than that, PINNIFER. You +don't make nearly so much of my hair as you used to! (PINNIFER _discreetly +suppress the obvious retort_.) Well, I suppose that must do. I shan't +require you any more. Go down and see if the lamps in the drawing-room are +smelling. (PINNIFER _goes; sounds of ablutions are heard from_ Mr. T.'s +_dressing-room_.) MONTAGUE, is that you? I never heard you come in. + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_indistinctly._) Only just this moment come up, my dear. +Been putting out the wine. + +_Mrs. T._ You always _will_ leave everything to the last. No, don't come +in. What? How can I hear what you say when you keep on splashing and +spluttering like that? + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from beneath a towel._) That dozen of Champagne Uncle +GABRIEL sent has run lower than I thought--only two bottles and a pint +left. And he can't drink that _Saumur_. + +_Mrs. T._ Two bottles and a half ought to be ample, if SEAKALE manages +properly--among twelve. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve, my love? you mean _fourteen_! + +_Mrs. T._ I mean nothing of the sort. Mrs. TOOMER'S got influenza +again--luckily, so of course we shall be just twelve. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ MARIA, why didn't you tell me that before? Because I say, +look here!---- + + [_He half opens the door._ + +_Mrs. T._ I won't have you coming in here all over soap, there's nothing to +get excited about. Twelve's a very convenient number. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve! Yes--but how about that fellow you told me to order +from BLANKLEY'S? He'll be the thirteenth! + +_Mrs. T._ MONTAGUE, _don't_ say you went and ordered him, after I expressly +said you were not to mind, and that I would see about it myself! You heard +me call after you from the front door? + +_Mr. T.'s V._ I--I understood you to say that I was to mind and see to it +myself; and so I went there the very first thing. The Manager assured me he +would send us a person accustomed to the best society, who would give every +satisfaction. _I_ couldn't be expected to know you had changed your mind! + +_Mrs. T._ How _could_ you be so idiotic! We simply can't sit down thirteen. +Uncle will think we did it on purpose to shorten his life, MONTAGUE, do +something--write, and put him off, quick--do you hear? + +_Mr. T.'s V._ (_plaintively_). My love, I _can't_ write while I'm like +this--and I've no pen and ink in here, either! + +_Jane_ (_outside_). Please, Sir, SEAKALE would like a word with you about +the Sherry you put out--it don't seem to ta--smell quite right to him. + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, never mind Sherry _now_. (_She scribbles on a leaf +from her pocket-book._) Here, JANE, tell SEAKALE to run with this to +BLANKLEY'S--quick.... There, MONTAGUE I've written to BLANKLEY'S not to +send the man--they're sure to keep that sort of person on the premises; so, +if SEAKALE gets there before they close, it will be all right.... Oh, don't +worry so.... What? White ties! How should _I_ know where they are? You +should speak to JANE. And do, for goodness sake, make haste! _I'm_ going +down. + +_Mr. T._ (_alone_). MARIA! hi.... She's gone--and she never told me what +I'm to do if this confounded fellow turns up, after all! Hang it, I must +have a tie somewhere! + + [_He pulls out drawer after drawer of his wardrobe, in a violent + flurry._ + + * * * * * + +THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM. + +(_For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been +established._) + +_Question._ What are the duties of a Porter? + +_Answer._ To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible +expedition. + +_Q._ Is there any exception to that general rule? + +_A._ Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the +bestowal of a tip. + +_Q._ How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, +say, Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough. + +_A._ By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!" + +[Illustration] + +_Q._ If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a +military-looking Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first +claim his attention? + +_A._ Why, of course, the Captain. + +_Q._ What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment? + +_A._ A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking +both. + +_Q._ What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk? + +_A._ If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole +to the other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take +some time in finding the required amount of change. If the passenger is +irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk can stop to explain, and remonstrate. +In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the trains, a busy +Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging +outside the station. + +_Q._ When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy? + +_A._ When he happens to be in a bad temper. + +_Q._ Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his +superiors have any effect upon a Booking-Clerk? + +_A._ Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either +for Melbourne, Australia, or Timbuctoo. + +_Q._ What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such +circumstances? + +_A._ To bear it either with or without a grin. + +_Q._ Is there much point about a Pointsman? + +_A._ Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours. + +_Q._ And does his application of the break suggest anything? + +_A._ Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion. + + * * * * * + +A SUGGESTION FOR PANTOMIME.--The good Fairy, Sir DRURIOLANUS, triumphing +over Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, +the obstructionists. Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as +_Kate Nickleby's_ lunatic lover observed, "All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. +DAN LENO and CAMPBELL are doing great business just now. _Vive_ DRURIOLANUS +PANTOMIMICUS IMPERATOR! + + * * * * * + +A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. GLADSTONE." What a contrast! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, January 21, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20704.txt or 20704.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/0/20704/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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