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diff --git a/20704.txt b/20704.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bce0843 --- /dev/null +++ b/20704.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1423 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +January 21, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 21, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: February 27, 2007 [EBook #20704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 104. + + + + +January 21, 1893. + + + + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +THE KEEPER. + +(_With an Excursus on Beaters._) + +Of the many varieties of keeper, I propose, at present, to consider only +the average sort of keeper, who looks after a shooting, comprising +partridges, pheasants, hares, and rabbits, in an English county. Now it is +to be observed that your ordinary keeper is not a conversational animal. He +has, as a rule, too much to do to waste time in unnecessary talk. To begin +with, he has to control his staff, the men and boys who walk in line with +you through the root-fields, or beat the coverts for pheasants. That might +seem at first sight to be an easy business, but it is actually one of the +most difficult in the world. For thorough perverse stupidity, you will not +easily match the autochthonous beater. Watch him as he trudges along, slow, +expressionless, clod-resembling, lethargic, and say how you would like to +be the chief of such an army. He is always getting out of line, pressing +forward unduly, or hanging back too much, and the loud voice of the keeper +makes the woods resound with remonstrance, entreaty, and blame, hurled at +his bovine head. After lunch, it is true, the beater wakes up for a little. +Then shall you hear WILLIAM exchanging confidences from one end of the line +to the other with JARGE, while the startled pheasant rises too soon and +goes back, to the despair of the keeper and the guns. Then, too, are heard +the shouts of laughter which greet the appearance of a rabbit, and the air +is thick with the sticks that the joyous, beery beaters fling at the +scurrying form of their hereditary foe. It is marvellous to note with what +a venomous hatred the beater regards the bunny. Pheasant or partridge he is +careless of; even the hare is, in comparison, a thing of nought, but let +him once set eyes on a rabbit, and his whole being seems to change. His eye +absolutely flashes, his chest heaves with excitement beneath the ancient +piece of sacking that protects his form from thorns. If the rabbit falls to +the shot, he yells with exultation; if it be missed, an expression of +morose and gloomy disappointment settles on his face, as who should say, +"Things are played out; the world is worthless!" + +[Illustration: On their Beat.] + +All these characteristics are the keeper's despair; though, to be sure, he +has staunch lieutenants in his under-keepers; and towards the end of the +day he can always count on two sympathising allies in the postman and the +policeman. These two never fail to come out in the afternoon to join the +beaters. It is amusing to watch the demeanour of the beaters in the +policeman's presence. Some of them, it is possible, have been immeshed by +the law, and have made the constable's acquaintance in his professional +capacity. Others are conscious of undiscovered peccadilloes, or they feel +that on some future day they may be led to transgress rules, of which the +policeman is the sturdy embodiment. None of them is, therefore, quite at +his best in the policeman's presence. Their attitude may be described +as one of uneasy familiarity, bursting here and there into jocular +nervousness, but never quite attaining the rollicking point. You may +sometimes take advantage of this feeling to let off a joke on a beater. +Select a stout, plethoric one, and say to him, "Mind you keep your eye on +the policeman, or he'll poach a rabbit before you can say knife." This +simple inversion of probabilities and positions is quite certain to "go." A +hesitating smile will first creep into the corners of the beater's eye. +After an interval spent in grappling with the jest, he will become purple, +and finally he will explode. + +During the rest of the day you will hear him repeating your little +pleasantry either to himself or to his companions. You can keep it up by +saying now and then, "How many did the constable pocket that last beat?" +(_Shouts of laughter._) Thus shall your reputation as a humorist be +established amongst the beating fraternity--("that 'ere Muster JACKSON, 'e +do make a chap laugh, that 'e do," is the formula)--and if you revisit the +same shooting next year, a beater is sure to take an opportunity of saying +to you, with a grin on his face, "Policeman's a comin' out to-day, Sir; I'm +a goin' to hev my eye tight on 'im, so as 'e don't pocket no rabbits," to +which you will reply, "That's right, GEORGE, you stick to it, and you'll be +a policeman yourself some day," at which impossible anticipation there will +be fresh explosions of mirth. So easily pleased is the rustic mind, so +tenacious is the rustic memory. + +But the head-keeper recks not of these things. All the anxiety of the day +is his. If, for one reason or another, he fails to show as good a head of +game as had been expected, he knows his master will be displeased. If the +beaters prove intractable, the birds go wrong, but the burden of the host's +disappointment falls on the keeper's shoulders. His are all the petty +worries, the little failures of the day. The keeper is, therefore, not +given to conversation. How should he be, with all these responsibilities +weighing upon him? Few of those who shoot realise what the keeper has gone +through to provide the sport. Inclement nights spent in the open, untiring +vigilance by day and by night, a constant and patient care of his birds +during the worst seasons, short hours of sleep, and long hours of tramping, +such is the keeper's life. And, after all, what a fine fellow is a good +keeper. In what other race of men can you find in a higher degree the best +and manliest qualities, unswerving fidelity, dauntless courage, unflinching +endurance of hardship and fatigue, and an upright honesty of conduct and +demeanour? I protest that if ever the sport of game-shooting is attacked, +one powerful argument in its favour may be found in the fact that it +produces such men as these, and fosters their staunch virtues. Think well +of all this, my young friend, and do not vex the harassed keeper with idle +and frivolous remarks. But you may permit yourself to say to him, during +the day, "That's a nice dog of yours; works capitally." + +"Yes, Sir," the keeper will say, "he's not a bad 'un for a young 'un. +Plenty of good blood in him. His mother's old _Dido_. I've had to leave her +at home to-day, because she's got a sore foot; but her nose is something +wonderful." + +"Did you have much trouble breaking him?" + +"Lor' bless you, Sir, no. He took to it like a duck to the water. Nothing +comes amiss to him. You stand there, Sir, and you'll get some nice birds +over you. They mostly breaks this way." + +That kind of conversation establishes good relations, always an important +thing. Or you may hint to him that he knows his business better than the +host, as thus:-- + +"I must have been in the wrong place that last beat. Not a single bird came +near me." + +"Of course you were, Sir. I knew how it would be. I wanted you fifty yards +higher up, but Mr. CHALMERS, he would have you here. Lor, I've never known +birds break here. Now then, you boys, stop that chattering, or I sends you +all home. Seem to think they're out here to enjoy theirselves, instead of +doing as I tells 'em. Come, rattle your sticks!" + +Thus are the little beaters and the stops admonished. + + * * * * * + +FROM A MODERN ENGLISH EXAMINATION-PAPER + +_Which young Mr. D. Brown went in to floor, but which floored him._ + +_Question._ What is the meaning of "to deodorise." Give the derivation. + +_Answer._ "To deodorise" is to gild the statue of a heathen deity. +Literally "to gild a god." This compound verb is derived from "_Deus_," +dative "_Deo_," and the Greek verb "[Greek: dorixo], _i.e._ to gild." + +_Q._ What is a "Manicure"? Give its derivation. + +_A._ It is another term for a Mad Doctor. Its derivation is +obvious--"Maniac Cure." The last syllable of the first word being omitted +for the sake of convenience in pronunciation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS. + +(_Mr. Punch's Dreadful New Year's Dream after a Surfeit of Mince Pies and +"Times" Correspondence._)] + + * * * * * + +THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS. + + I had a Dream, which was not all a Dream. + (By Somnus and old Nox I fear 'twas _not_!) + Common-sense was extinguished, and Good Taste + Did wonder darkling on the verge of doom. + I saw a Monster, a malign, marine, + Mysterious, many-whorled, mug-lumbering Bogey, + Stretched (like Miltonian angels on the marl) + In league-long loops upon the billowy brine. + Beshrew thee, old familiar ocean Bogey, + Thou spectral spook of many Silly Seasons, + Beshrew thee, and avaunt! Which being put + In post-Shakspearian vernacular, means + Confound, you, and Get out!!! The monstrous worm + Wriggling its corkscrew periwinkly twists + Of trunk and tail alternate, winked huge goggles + Derisively and gurgled. "_Me_ get out, + The Science-vouched, and Literature-upheld, + And Reason-rehabilitated butt + Of many years of misdirected mockery? + You ask omniscient HUXLEY, cocksure oracle + On all from protoplasm to Home Rule, + From Scripture to Sea Serpents; go consult + Belligerent, brave, beloved BILLY RUSSELL! + Verisimilitude incarnate, I + Scorn your vain sceptic mirth! + Besides, behold + The portent riding me, as Thetis rode + The lolloping, wolloping sea-horse of old! + Is it less likely that _I_ should remain + Than _she_ return?" + Then, horror-thrilled, I gazed + At her, the Abominable, the Ogreish Thing; + The soul-revolting, sense-degrading She, + Who swayed and sickened, scourged and scarified + The unwilling slaves of fashion and discomfort + A quarter of a century since! + She sat, + A spectral, scraggy, beet-nosed, ankle-less, + Obtrusive-panted, splay-foot, slattern-shape, + Of grim Medusa-faced Immodesty, + Caged cumbrously in a stiff, swaying, swollen, + Shin-scarifying, hose-revealing frame + Of wide-meshed metal, like a monster mousetrap-- + Hideous, indecent, awkward! + Oh, I knew her-- + This loathly _revenant_, revisiting + The glimpses of the moon. She shamed my sight, + And blocked my way, and marred my young men's art, + Twenty years syne and more. 'Twas CRINOLINA, + The long-abiding, happily banished horror + We hoped to see no more. _Shall_ she return + To vex our souls, unsex our wives and daughters, + And spoil our pictures as she did of old? + Forbid it, womanhood and modesty! + And if _they_ won't, let manhood and sound sense + Arise in wrath and warn the horror off, + Ere she effect a lodgment on the limbs + Of pretty girls, or clothe our matron's shapes + With shame as with a garment. + "Get thee gone!" + Cries _Punch_, and shakes his gingham in her face. + "The Silly Season's Nemesis we may stand, + But thou, the loathlier Bogey? _Garn away!_ + (As 'LIZA said to amorous 'ARRY 'AWKINS) + Avaunt, skedaddle, slope, absquatulate, + Go, gruesome ghoul--go quickly--and for ever!!!" + + * * * * * + +MRS. R.'S nephew read out an announcement to the effect that Messrs. +MACMILLAN were about to publish Lord CARNARVON'S "Prometheus Bound." +"Indeed!" exclaimed Mr. R.'s excellent aunt. "That's very vague. Doesn't it +say how it's to be bound?--whether in calf or vellum?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE." + +_Hostess._ "ER--ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE--ER--MR. CORNELIUS P. VAN DUNK, FROM +CHICAGO--MR. KEMBLE MACREADY KEAN, THE GREAT TRAGEDIAN, AND MANAGER OF THE +PARTHENON." + +_Mr. Van Dunk._ "MR. KEMBLE MACREADY KEAN! SIR, YOUR NAME'S VERY FAMILIAR +TO ME, AND I'M PROUD TO KNOW YOU!--AND I SHALL TAKE AN EARLY OPPORTUNITY OF +ASKING YOU FOR SOME ORDERS FOR YOUR THEATRE!"] + + * * * * * + +LAPSUS LINGUAE. + + ["There is scarcely one of us who does not violate some rule of + English grammar in every sentence which he speaks."--_Daily + News._] + + + Never we dreamt of this horrible blundering! + Up to the present, we cheerfully spoke + Quite unaware of our errors, nor wondering + How many rules in each sentence we broke. + + Now we can scarcely pronounce the admission that + Grammar and parsing we freely neglect, + Scarcely can dare to make humble petition that + Someone or other will cure this defect! + + Often we err in the use of each particle, + Seldom observe where our adverbs belong, + Wholly misplace the indefinite article, + In our subjunctives go hopelessly wrong! + + What can we do? Will the _Daily News_ qualify + As an instructor in matters like these? + How can we quickest successfully mollify + Those whom our errors must sadly displease? + + Scarce can we venture the veriest platitude, + May not its grammar be shamefully weak? + You, _Mr. Punch_, can rely on our gratitude, + If you will tell us--how _ought_ we to speak? + + * * * * * + +A DARK SAYING.--Had HILDA DAWSON--who, as reported in the _D. T._ one day +last week, was haled before Sir PETER EDLIN--been a character in some play +of SHAKSPEARE'S, to whom the Bard had given these words to utter--"And this +is what you call trial by Jury! Why they are not fit to try shoemakers!" +what voluminous suggestions and explanations of the meaning of this phrase +would not the learned Commentators have written! What emendations, +alterations, or amendments of the text would not have been proposed! +Perhaps, some hundreds of years hence, this dark saying of HILDA DAWSON'S +will engage the close attention of some among the then existing learned +body of Antiquaries. + + * * * * * + +"SOUNDS RATHER LIKE IT."--In France the Ministry of Foreign Affairs has +gone to the DEVELLE. + + * * * * * + +THE HAYMARKET HYPATIA. + +That I never could struggle through CHARLES KINGSLEY'S novel _Hypatia_, is, +as far as I am personally concerned, very much in favour of my pronouncing +an unbiassed opinion on the "_new classical play_" ("Historical," if you +like, but not "classical," and there is not the slightest chance of its +becoming a "classic") written by G. STUART OGILVIE, entitled _Hypatia_, and +"_founded on_ KINGSLEY'S _celebrated Novel_," which "celebrated Novel" is, +for me at least, not only "celebrated," but "remarkable," as being one of +the very few works of fiction (excepting always the majority of KINGSLEY'S +works) completely baffling my powers of endurance. + +[Illustration: The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting. "_Heraclian_ must +win." Notice the _Rara Nativa Oysteriana Shrub_ in the background.] + +[Illustration: Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus.] + +Mr. STUART OGILVIE'S Drama may be a clever adaptation of a story difficult +to adapt; but that his play is powerfully dramatic, even when it arrives at +what, as I conceive, was intended to be its strongest dramatic situation in +the Second Scene of the Third Act, no one but an _Umbra_ (to be +"classical"), a sycophant, a "creature," or a contentious noodle, could +possibly assert. Yet, as a series of _tableaux vivants_, illustrating +scenes in the public and private life of _Issachar_ the Jew,--and that +Jew Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, so artistically made up as to be absolutely +unrecognisable by those who know him best,--the action is decidedly +interesting up to the end of the Third Act. After that, all is tumult. The +gay and seductive _Orestes_, Prefect of Alexandria (carefully played by Mr. +LEWIS WALLER) is slain, anyhow, all higgledy-piggledy, by the Jew, +_Issachar_, whose seductive daughter _Ruth_ (sweetly and gently represented +by Miss OLGA BRANDON) this gay LOTHARIO of a Prefect has contrived, not, +apparently, with any great difficulty, to lead astray, or, to put it +"classically," to seduce from the narrow path of such virtue as is common +alike to Pagan, Jew, and Christian. As for handsome _Hypatia_ herself, +magnificent though Miss JULIA NEILSON be as a classic model for a painter, +she is nowhere, dramatically, in the piece, when contrasted with the +unhappy Jewish Family of two. It is the story of _Issachar_, his daughter +and _Orestes_, that absorbs the interest; and, as to what becomes of +_Cyril_ and his Merry Monks, of _Philammon_ (which, when pronounced, sounds +like a modern Cockney-rendering of PHILIP HAMMOND, with the aspirate +omitted and the final "d" dropped), of old _Theon_ (who never appears but +he is immediately sent away again, and therefore might be termed +"_The-on-and-off-'un_"), and, finally, of even that charming specimen of a +Girton Girl-Lecturer on Philosophy _Hypatia_ herself, well--to adopt HOOD'S +couplet about the Poor in London,-- + + "Where they goes, or how they fares, Nobody knows and nobody + cares." + +The entire interest is centred in _Issachar_, and had the author devised +some strong dramatic climax (such as occurs in that play of SARDOU'S where +SARAH B. stabs PAUL BERTON) with which to finish the piece, when the +Prefect should have been killed either by _Issachar_ or by _Miriam_ (SARDOU +would have made _Issachar's_ daughter the heroine--the SARA BERNHARDT of +the piece) then, in the penultimate Act, anything tragic, or otherwise, +might picturesquely and appropriately have happened to the classic Girton +girl, _Hypatia_, and Master _Phil 'Ammon_, the good young Monk so inclined +to go wrong, to the great contentment of the audience. + +Mr. TREE makes a thoroughly oriental type of _Issachar_, and it is within +an ace of being a grand impersonation. What that ace exactly is, it is +somewhat difficult to say, but what _is_ wanting is wanting in his great +scene with his daughter. If the dramatist had given him such another final +chance as I have already suggested, the character might have been +dramatically perfected in Mr. TREE'S hands. As it is, both by author and +actor it is left "to be finished in our next." + +Mr. TERRY is good as the amatory Monk, and Miss JULIA NEILSON is +statuesquely graceful as _Hypatia_. If I say "she is making strides in her +profession," I must be taken to allude not to her vast improvement +histrionically, but to the long steps which she takes across the stage. + +The costumes are admirable, especially that of _Issachar_, on whose attire +the Messrs. NATHAN as Israel-lights-and-leaders must be considered high +authorities. + +[Illustration: From an Ancient Vase found in the Haymarket.] + +Mr. ALMA TADEMA, R.A., is responsible for the designs of the scenery by +Messrs. JOHNSTONE, HANN, HALL, and HARKER. [Great chance for 'ARRY 'ere! +"Scenery by 'ANN--a lady artist of course--then 'ALL and then 'ARKER, from +designs by HALMA TADEMA." "I s'pose HALMA'S a artistic shemale," 'ARRY +would say: "cos I know as there's another HALMA on the stage, leastways on +the Music 'All stage, and she's HALMA STANLEY."] Whatever the designing +ALMA may have done, I cannot say much for the reproduction of his favourite +game of marbles. The "marble halls" lack polish; but the Market Place, The +Court of _Hypatia's_ House, _Issachar's_ snuggery, and a Street in +Alexandria, are highly effective pictures. But I should like to know if in +Mr. ALMA TADEMA'S design for the Monk's dress, Mr. FRED TERRY found a small +black and silver crucifix of very modern workmanship suspended from the +girdle, as this religious emblem did not come into use until a much later +date. By the way, ecclesiastical ornaments must have been cheap in those +days to warrant _Bishop Cyril_ (strongly rendered by Mr. FERNANDEZ) +flaunting about the streets of Alexandria in such rainbow robes as, in a +later age, would have led people to imagine that he had just broken out of +the stained glass window of a Gothic Cathedral. Two thousand years hence +the New Zealand dramatist may represent the Archbishop of CANTERBURY as +walking about London in his lawn sleeves with coronation cope and mitre, or +Cardinal HERBERT VAUGHAN as wearing his scarlet hat and robes, and riding +in a Hansom cab, having been unable to pick up his own Cardinal's train. +All this were hypercriticism, but that the name of ALMA TADEMA, R.A., is a +public guarantee for academical accuracy. + +Anyhow, _Hypatia_, if not "a famous victory"--is at least a fine spectacle, +with some fine acting in it, but this is mainly confined to Mr. BEERBOHM +TREE. As the very heavy father, Mr. KEMBLE has not been allowed half a +chance. Why should he not alternate characters with Mr. FERNANDEZ, and for +three nights a week appear as _Cyril_ the Bishop, while FERNANDEZ would be +_Hypatia's_ parent who has to grovel on the steps while his highly educated +child is lecturing, who has to comfort her in her terror, and be turned out +neck and crop whenever nobody on the scene wants him, which by the way, +happens rather frequently. + +The music to a Drama is generally a minor affair, but, in this instance, it +is both major and minor, and has been specially written for the piece by +Dr. HUBERT PARRY. As this play is not an "adaptation from the French," the +music of this Composer is the only _article de Parry_ about the piece, and, +being strikingly appropriate, it proves an attraction of itself. It is +conducted by the Wagnerian ARMBRUSTER, who, with his Merry Men, is hidden +away under the stage, much as was the Ghost of _Hamlet's_ father whom +_Hamlet_ irreverently styled "Old Truepenny." Altogether a notable piece. +_Prosit!_ + +THE B IN A BOX. + + * * * * * + +CHEAP LAW IN THE CITY. + +_Probable Development of the new "London Chamber of Arbitration," for the +economical Settlement of Disputes without recourse to Litigation_ + +[Illustration: "'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand murder defence, +Guv'nor?" + +"Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise Department?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The one volume entitled _My Flirtations_, written by MARGARET WYNMAN (so +like a real name!), and published by Messrs. CHATTO AND WINDUS, consists of +short stories setting forth the varied experiences of an uncommonly 'cute +young lady. It is a literary portfolio of lively sketches of men and women, +"their tricks and their manners," all most amusing, and told in a naturally +easy and epigrammatic style. Some of the characters are evidently +intended for portraits, which anyone living in the London world could +easily label--(which by changing "a" into "i" would be the probable +consequence)--were he not baffled by the art of the skilful writer, and by +the equally skilful illustrator--our Mr. PARTRIDGE--who have, the pair +of them, combined to throw the reader off the right scent. The one +mistake--not a fatal error, however,--which this authoress has made, +is that of getting herself engaged in the last story. Not married, +fortunately; only engaged. Consequently the match can be broken off. Let +her be "engaged" on another volume. She can be married at the end of +volume three, and may give us her experiences as the wife of Mr. +Whoever-it-may-be. Will the clever authoress accept this well-meant hint +from her literary and critical admirer, THE GALLANT BARON DE B.-W.? + + * * * * * + +ROBERT WITH THE CHILDREN AT GILDHALL. + +Well, I don't quite kno as I quite hunderstans what's bin a goin on in our +old Sacred Gildall, or weather it's all xactly what sum of our werry +sollemest Holldermen, or ewen our werry anshent Depputys, might admire; but +I must say, for myself, that too thowsand more owdashus boys, and larfing +gals, I never seed nor herd than I did on Toosday larst, for about fore +hours, in old Gildall aforesaid! + +Jest to show how the werry best, aye and the werry wisest on us, gets +carried away by the site of swarms of appy children a enjoying thereselves, +as praps they never did afore, I feels myself compelled to state, that our +good kind Lord MARE was so delighted to see sich swarms of appy children +all round him and looking up to him so appy and so grateful, that, jest +afore it was time to go, he acshally told 'em a most wunderful story all +about two great Giants as lived in the rain of King LUD, on Ludgate Hill. I +was that estonished when he begun, as to amost think that GOG and MAGOG, as +stood on both sides of him, would begin to grin, but that was, of course, +only a passing delushun. But didn't all the children lissen with open +mouths when the Lord MARE told 'em that one of the Giants had too heads, +and the other three! and that a very good boy named JACK managed to kill +'em both! + +And so all was ended but the cheering, and that the pore delited children +kept up till they all marched out, smiling and appy, and wishing as such +glorious heavenings was in store for them in grand old Gildall for many, +many years to come, and with sitch a Lord Mare to see as everything was +done as it had been done that jolly heavening. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +DWARFS.--Of course there are dwarfs. Lots of 'em all over the world. At +least no experienced traveller ever yet made a stay in any country without +becoming acquainted with plenty of people who were "uncommonly 'short' just +at that moment,"--"that moment" being when the impecunious traveller wanted +to obtain a slight loan. The author of _Borrow in Spain_ would have been an +authority on such a subject. + + * * * * * + +TRANSFORMATION SCENE.--Dear Sir, I see by the paper that "Mr. EDMUND YATES +has been made a J. P." Odd! What does "J. P." stand for? Oh, of course, +"JOE PARKINSON." But does "E. Y." on becoming "J. P." cease to be +"MOI-MEME"?--Yours, M. MUDDLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TOO INQUIRING MIND. + +"HOW WAS _I_ MADE, MAMMIE DARLING? WAS I _KNITTED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST TRADE OUTRAGE! + +(_Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster +and the Maid Forlorn."_) + + ["A large number of complaints have reached the Board of Trade + with regard to increase in the new rates adopted by Railway + Companies as from January 1 ... among other complaints of increase + of rates for the conveyance of milk, grain, hay and other + agricultural produce, firewood, live stock, coal and coke, iron + and hardware."--Sir COURTENAY BOYLE _to the Secretary of the + Railway Companies Association_.] + + Oh! who'll bring a rescue or two to the help of a much-injured Maid, + Thus cruelly bound hand and foot, and by miscreants ruthlessly laid + On the lines, in the Pathway of Peril? The Monster snorts nearer! Bohoo! + 'Tis a Melodrame-crisis of danger!--and _who'll_ bring a rescue or two? + + The Maid (British Trade), has been harried and hunted by villains and + robbers, + By bold, bad, black-masked foreign foes, and by home-bred monopolist + jobbers. + In town or in country alike the poor dear has been chevied and chased. + By rivals deceitful and dark, and by kindred deboshed and debased. + + She once was a proud reigning beauty, who now is a maid all forlorn, + As hopeless and helpless, and tearful as RUTH midst the alien corn. + Or poor Proserpine snatched by dark Pluto afar from the day and the + light; + Torn away--like this maiden--from Ceres, and wrapt--like this maiden--in + night. + + Perchance she was just a bit haughty in virginal safety and pride; + No rival too near her high throne, Prince FORTUNIO aye at her side; + But now a poor PERDITA, prone at the feet of her foes she lies bound, + And that melodramatic thud-thud draweth near--a most menacing sound! + + Ah! sure 'twas enough to deprive the Maid of Protection, her trust! + But this is the last straw of burden that bows her poor back to the dust. + That Monster _should_ be her sworn henchman, and now she lies bound in + his path! + Oh! where is the hero who'll rush to her rescue, in chivalrous wrath? + + Such champion always turns up--on the stage! CHAPLIN, WINCHILSEA, BOYLE, + HOWARD-VINCENT & Co., here's your chance. Shall she be that big Monster's + mere spoil? + Ah! Surely the Maid is too lovely to leave to the murderous crew + Of the Monster Monopoly's myrmidons! _Who_'ll bring a rescue or two? + + * * * * * + +Her First Appearance. + + + "What! a new Magazine!" just so, + First number, January, "Oh! + So far? yet farther sure will go + _The Mother._" + + * * * * * + +"SCHOOL ATTENDANCE IN BAD WEATHER."--"SANDFORD" writes of this to the +_Times_. Why doesn't MERTON--our TOMMY MERTON--speak? And what has the +venerated Mr. BARLOW got to say? + + * * * * * + +"THE SITUATION IN EUROPE."--Monte Carlo (_i.e._, for the winter months). + + * * * * * + +ETHNOGRAPHICAL ALPHABET. + + A is an Afghan, whose knife bids one quail; + B is a Boer, who made England turn pale; + C is a Chinaman, proud of his tail; + D is a Dutchman, who loves pipe and ale; + E is an Eskimo, packed like a bale; + F is a Frenchman, _a Paris fidele_; + G is a German, he fought tooth and nail; + H is a Highlander, otherwise Gael; + I is an Irishman, just out of gaol; + J is a Jew at a furniture sale; + K is a Kalmuck, not high in the scale; + L is a Lowlander, swallowing kale; + M a Malay, a most murderous male; + N a Norwegian, who dwells near the whale; + O is an Ojibway, brave on the trail; + P is a Pole with a past to bewail; + Q is a Queenslander, sunburnt and hale; + R is a Russian, against whom we rail; + S is a Spaniard, as slow as a snail; + T is a Turk with his wife in a veil; + U a United States' Student at Yale; + V a Venetian in gondola frail; + W Welshman, with coal, slate,--and shale; + X is a Xanthian--or is he too stale?-- + Y is a Yorkshireman, bred by the Swale; + Z is a Zulu;--and now letters fail. + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST PARADOX.--JOHN STRANGE WINTER is taking Summer-y proceedings +against the Coming Crinoline. Henceforth she will be always known as "the +WINTER of our Discontent." + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BUS."--From the _Times_ money article we learn that PARR'S Banking +Co., Limited, is paying 19 per cent. The price of the shares, therefore, +must be considerably "_above par_." Capital this, for _Ma'_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE! + +(_Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster +and the Maid Forlorn."_) + + "OH! WHO'LL BRING A RESCUE OR TWO TO THE HELP OF A MUCH-INJURED MAID, + THUS CRUELLY BOUND HAND AND FOOT, AND BY MISCREANTS RUTHLESSLY LAID + ON THE LINES, IN THE PATHWAY OF PERIL? THE MONSTER SNORTS NEARER! BOHOO! + 'TIS A MELODRAME-CRISIS OF DANGER!--AND _WHO'LL_ BRING A RESCUE OR TWO?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBACIDITIES. + +_Gladys._ "OH, MURIEL DEAR, THAT HEAVENLY FROCK!--I THINK IT LOOKS LOVELIER +EVERY YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF THE (MUSIC-HALL) LAUREATE. + + Ah! Who talks of the reversion of the Laurel, + Of your MORRISSES, and SWINBURNES, and that gang? + _I_ could lick them in a canter--that's a moral! + I'm the most prolific bard who ever sang. + Of the modern Music Hall I'm chosen Laureate, + My cackle and my patter fill the Town; + I'm more popular than BURNS, a thing to glory at; + My name is PINDAR BOANERGES BROWN. + + You have never heard it mentioned? Highly probable + A hundred duffers flourish on _my_ fame; + But the Muse is _so_ peculiarly rob-able, + And I am very little known--by name? + But ask the Big BONASSUS--on the Q. T.-- + Or ask the Sisters SQUORKS, of P. B. B. + And they'll tell you Titan Talent, Siren Beauty, + Would be both the frostiest fizzles but for Me! + + Gracious Heavens! When I think of all the cackle + I have turned out for the heroes of the Halls!!! + No wonder that the task I've now to tackle-- + Something new and smart for TRICKSY TRIP!--appals. + I have tried three several songs--and had to "stock 'em," + She's imperative; her last Great Hit's played out, + And she wants "a new big thing that's bound to knock 'em." + And "she'd like it by return of post!"--No doubt!!! + + She does four turns a night, and rakes the shekels; + She sports a suit of sables and a brougham. + Five years ago a lanky girl, with freckles, + First fetched 'em with my hit, "_The Masher Groom_." + And now her limbs spread pink on all the posters, + And now she drives her pony-chaise--and Me! + Poet-Laureate? I should like to set the boasters + The tasks I have to try for "TRICKSY T." + + I am vivid, I am various, I am versatile; + I did "_Up to the Nines_" for DANDY DOBBS, + And "_Smacky-Smack_" for "TIDDLUMS,"--Isn't _hers_ a tile?-- + "_Salvation Sue_"--the stiffest of stiff jobs-- + For roopy-raspy-voiced and vain "OEOLIA," + Who dubs herself the SCHNEIDER-PATTI BLEND; + And now, a prey to stone-broke melancholia, + I sit and rack my fancy, to no end! + + My ink runs dry, my wits seem gone wool-gathering; + And yet I know that over half the town + _My_ "stuff" the Stars are blaring, bleating, blathering, + Sacking a tenner where I pouch a crown. + I know that my--anonymous--smart verses, + Are piling oof for middlemen in sacks, + My verse brings pros. seal-coats and well-stuffed purses + My back care bows, whilst profits lade _their_ backs. + + If you'll show me any "Poet" more prolific, + If you'll point to any "patterer" more smart, + One whose "patriotic" zeal is more terrific, + Who can give me at snide slang the slightest start, + Who can fit a swell, a toff, a cad, a coster, + At the very shortest notice, as _I_ can, + Why, unless he is a swaggering impostor, + I will gladly hail him as the Coming Man! + + But he'll have to be a dab at drunken drivel, + And he'll have to be a daisy at sick gush, + To turn on the taps of swagger and of snivel, + Raise the row-de-dow heel-chorus and hot flush. + He must know the taste of sensual young masher, + As well as that of aitch-omitting snob; + And then--well, I'll admit he _is_ a dasher, + Who, as Laureate (of the Halls) is "on the job!" + + [_Left lamenting._ + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S. + +A STORY IN SCENES + + SCENE I.--_Breakfast-room at No. 92a, Porchester Square, + Bayswater. Rhubarb-green and gilt paper, with dark olive dado: + curtains of a nondescript brown. Black marble clock on grey + granite mantelpiece; Landseer engravings; tall book-case, + containing volumes of "The Quiver," "Mission-Work in Mesopotamia," + a cheap Encyclopedia, and the "Popular History of Europe." Time, + about 9:45._ Mr. MONTAGUE TIDMARSH _is leaving to catch his + omnibus_. Mrs. T. _is at her Davenport in the window_. + +_Mr. T._ (_from the door_). Anything else you want me to do, MARIA? + +_Mrs. T._ Don't forget the turbot--and mind you choose it yourself--and the +lobster for the sauce--oh, and look in at SEAKALE'S as you pass, and remind +him to be here punctually at seven, to help JANE with the table, and say I +insist on his waiting in _clean_ white gloves; and be home early yourself, +and--there, if he hasn't rushed off before I remembered half----(Mr. T. +_re-appears at the door_.) What is it _now_, MONTAGUE? I do wish you'd +start, and have done with it, instead of keeping JANE at the front door, +when she ought to be clearing away breakfast! + +_Mr. T._ Very sorry, my love--I was just going, when I met a Telegraph-boy +with this, for you, I hope there's nothing wrong with Uncle GABRIEL, I'm +sure. + +_Mrs. T._ Don't stand there holding it--give it to me. (_She opens it._) +"Regret impossible dine to-night--lost Great Aunt very suddenly.--BUCKRAM." +How provoking of the man! And I particularly wished him to meet Uncle +GABRIEL, because he is such a good listener, and they would be sure to get +on together. As if he hadn't all the rest of the year to lose his Aunt in! + +_Mr. T._ That's BUCKRAM all over. Never can depend upon that fellow. +(_Gloomily._) Now we shall be thirteen at table! + +_Mrs. T._ Nonsense, MONTAGUE--we _can't_ be! Let me see--Uncle GABRIEL and +Aunt JOANNA, two; the DITCHWATERS, four; BODFISHES, six; TOOMERS, eight; +Miss BUGLE, nine; Mr. POFFLEY, ten; CECILIA FLINDERS, eleven, ourselves--we +_are_ thirteen! And I know Uncle will refuse to sit down at all if he +notices it; and, anyway, it is sure to cast a gloom over the whole thing. +We _must_ get somebody! + +_Mr. T._ Couldn't that Miss--what's her name? SEATON--dine, for once? + +_Mrs. T._ The idea, MONTAGUE! Then there would be one Lady too many--if you +can _call_ a Governess a Lady, that is. And I do so disapprove of taking +people out of their proper station. + +[Illustration: "Montague, _don't_ say you went and ordered him."] + +_Mr. T._ I might wire to FILLETER or MAKEWAYT--but I rather think they're +both away, and it won't do to run any risk. Shall I bring home STERNSTUHL +or FEDERFUCHS? Very quiet, respectable young fellows, and I could let one +of 'em go off early to dress. + +_Mrs. T._ Thank you, MONTAGUE--but I won't have one of your German clerks +at _my_ table--everyone would see what he was in a minute. And he mightn't +even have a dress-suit! Let me think ... _I_ know what we can do. BLANKLEY +supplies extra guests for parties and things. I remember seeing it in the +paper. We must hire a man there. Go there at once, MONTAGUE, it's very +little out of your way, and tell them to be sure and send a gentlemanly +person--he needn't talk much, and he won't be required to tell any +anecdotes. Make haste, say they can put him down to my deposit account. + +_Mr. T._ I don't half like the idea, MARIA, but I suppose it's the only +thing left. I'll go and see what they can do for us. + + [_He goes out._ + +_Mrs. T._ I _know_ he'll make some muddle--I'd better do it myself! (_She +rushes out into the passage._) JANE, is your Master gone? Call him +back--there, I'll do it. (_She calls after Mr. T.'s retreating form from +the doorstep._) MONTAGUE! never mind about BLANKLEY'S. _I_'ll see to it. Do +you hear? + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from the corner_). All right, my love, all right! I +hear. + +_Mrs. T._ I must go round before lunch. JANE, send Miss SEATON to me in the +breakfast-room. (_She goes back to her desk; presently_ Miss MARJORY SEATON +_enters the room; she is young and extremely pretty, with an air of +dejected endurance_.) Oh, Miss SEATON, just copy out these _menus_ for me, +in your neatest writing, and see that the French is all right. You will +have plenty of time for it, as I shall take Miss GWENDOLEN out myself this +morning. By the way, I shall expect you to appear in the drawing-room this +evening before dinner. I hope you have a suitable frock? + +_Miss Seaton._ I have a black one with lace sleeves and heliotrope +_chiffon_, if that will do--it was made in Paris. + +_Mrs. T._ You are fortunate to be able to command such luxuries. All _my_ +dresses are made in the Grove. + +_Miss Seat._ (_biting her lip_). Mine was made when we--before I---- [_She +checks herself._ + +_Mrs. T._ You need not remind me _quite_ so often that your circumstances +were formerly different, Miss SEATON, for I am perfectly aware of the fact. +Otherwise, I should not feel justified in bringing you in contact, even for +so short a time, with my relations and friends, who are _most_ particular. +I think that is all I wanted you for at present. Stop, you are forgetting +the _menus_. + + [Miss SEATON _collects the cards and goes out with compressed lips + as_ JANE _enters_. + +_Jane._ Another telegram, if you please, M'm, and Cook would like to speak +to you about the pheasants. + +[Illustration: THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY. [_See p. 33._ + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, dear me, JANE! I wish you wouldn't come and startle me with +your horrid telegrams--there, give it to me. (_Reading._) "Wife down, +violent influenza. Must come without her, TOOMER." (_Resentfully._) Again! +and I _know_ she's had it twice since the spring--it's too tiresomely +inconsid--no, it isn't--it's the very best thing she could do. Now we shall +be only twelve, and I needn't order that man from BLANKLEY'S, after all. +Poor dear woman, I must really write her a nice sympathetic little note--so +_fortunate_! + + + SCENE II.--Mrs. TIDMARSH'S _Bedroom--Time 7:15._ Mrs. T. _has just + had her hair dressed by her Maid_. + +_Mrs. T._ You might have given me more of a fringe than that, PINNIFER. You +don't make nearly so much of my hair as you used to! (PINNIFER _discreetly +suppress the obvious retort_.) Well, I suppose that must do. I shan't +require you any more. Go down and see if the lamps in the drawing-room are +smelling. (PINNIFER _goes; sounds of ablutions are heard from_ Mr. T.'s +_dressing-room_.) MONTAGUE, is that you? I never heard you come in. + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_indistinctly._) Only just this moment come up, my dear. +Been putting out the wine. + +_Mrs. T._ You always _will_ leave everything to the last. No, don't come +in. What? How can I hear what you say when you keep on splashing and +spluttering like that? + +_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from beneath a towel._) That dozen of Champagne Uncle +GABRIEL sent has run lower than I thought--only two bottles and a pint +left. And he can't drink that _Saumur_. + +_Mrs. T._ Two bottles and a half ought to be ample, if SEAKALE manages +properly--among twelve. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve, my love? you mean _fourteen_! + +_Mrs. T._ I mean nothing of the sort. Mrs. TOOMER'S got influenza +again--luckily, so of course we shall be just twelve. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ MARIA, why didn't you tell me that before? Because I say, +look here!---- + + [_He half opens the door._ + +_Mrs. T._ I won't have you coming in here all over soap, there's nothing to +get excited about. Twelve's a very convenient number. + +_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve! Yes--but how about that fellow you told me to order +from BLANKLEY'S? He'll be the thirteenth! + +_Mrs. T._ MONTAGUE, _don't_ say you went and ordered him, after I expressly +said you were not to mind, and that I would see about it myself! You heard +me call after you from the front door? + +_Mr. T.'s V._ I--I understood you to say that I was to mind and see to it +myself; and so I went there the very first thing. The Manager assured me he +would send us a person accustomed to the best society, who would give every +satisfaction. _I_ couldn't be expected to know you had changed your mind! + +_Mrs. T._ How _could_ you be so idiotic! We simply can't sit down thirteen. +Uncle will think we did it on purpose to shorten his life, MONTAGUE, do +something--write, and put him off, quick--do you hear? + +_Mr. T.'s V._ (_plaintively_). My love, I _can't_ write while I'm like +this--and I've no pen and ink in here, either! + +_Jane_ (_outside_). Please, Sir, SEAKALE would like a word with you about +the Sherry you put out--it don't seem to ta--smell quite right to him. + +_Mrs. T._ Oh, never mind Sherry _now_. (_She scribbles on a leaf +from her pocket-book._) Here, JANE, tell SEAKALE to run with this to +BLANKLEY'S--quick.... There, MONTAGUE I've written to BLANKLEY'S not to +send the man--they're sure to keep that sort of person on the premises; so, +if SEAKALE gets there before they close, it will be all right.... Oh, don't +worry so.... What? White ties! How should _I_ know where they are? You +should speak to JANE. And do, for goodness sake, make haste! _I'm_ going +down. + +_Mr. T._ (_alone_). MARIA! hi.... She's gone--and she never told me what +I'm to do if this confounded fellow turns up, after all! Hang it, I must +have a tie somewhere! + + [_He pulls out drawer after drawer of his wardrobe, in a violent + flurry._ + + * * * * * + +THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM. + +(_For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been +established._) + +_Question._ What are the duties of a Porter? + +_Answer._ To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible +expedition. + +_Q._ Is there any exception to that general rule? + +_A._ Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the +bestowal of a tip. + +_Q._ How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, +say, Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough. + +_A._ By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!" + +[Illustration] + +_Q._ If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a +military-looking Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first +claim his attention? + +_A._ Why, of course, the Captain. + +_Q._ What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment? + +_A._ A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking +both. + +_Q._ What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk? + +_A._ If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole +to the other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take +some time in finding the required amount of change. If the passenger is +irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk can stop to explain, and remonstrate. +In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the trains, a busy +Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging +outside the station. + +_Q._ When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy? + +_A._ When he happens to be in a bad temper. + +_Q._ Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his +superiors have any effect upon a Booking-Clerk? + +_A._ Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either +for Melbourne, Australia, or Timbuctoo. + +_Q._ What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such +circumstances? + +_A._ To bear it either with or without a grin. + +_Q._ Is there much point about a Pointsman? + +_A._ Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours. + +_Q._ And does his application of the break suggest anything? + +_A._ Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion. + + * * * * * + +A SUGGESTION FOR PANTOMIME.--The good Fairy, Sir DRURIOLANUS, triumphing +over Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, +the obstructionists. Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as +_Kate Nickleby's_ lunatic lover observed, "All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. +DAN LENO and CAMPBELL are doing great business just now. _Vive_ DRURIOLANUS +PANTOMIMICUS IMPERATOR! + + * * * * * + +A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. GLADSTONE." What a contrast! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, January 21, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20704.txt or 20704.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/0/20704/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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