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diff --git a/20704-h/20704-h.htm b/20704-h/20704-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f643157 --- /dev/null +++ b/20704-h/20704-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1798 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, January 21, 1893.</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" /> +<style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem span.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +January 21, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 21, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: February 27, 2007 [EBook #20704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 104.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>January 21, 1893.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + +<h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + +<p class="center">THE KEEPER.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>With an Excursus on Beaters.</i>)</p> + +<p>Of the many varieties of keeper, I propose, at present, to consider +only the average sort of keeper, who looks after a shooting, comprising +partridges, pheasants, hares, and rabbits, in an English county. Now +it is to be observed that your ordinary keeper is not a conversational +animal. He has, as a rule, too much to do to waste time in unnecessary +talk. To begin with, he has to control his staff, the men +and boys who walk in line with you through the root-fields, or beat +the coverts for pheasants. That might seem at first sight to be an +easy business, but it is actually one of the most difficult in the world. +For thorough perverse stupidity, you will not easily match the +autochthonous beater. Watch him as he trudges along, slow, expressionless, +clod-resembling, lethargic, and say how you would like +to be the chief of such an army. He is always getting out of line, +pressing forward unduly, or hanging back too much, and the loud +voice of the keeper makes the woods resound with remonstrance, +entreaty, and blame, hurled at +his bovine head. After lunch, it +is true, the beater wakes up for +a little. Then shall you hear +<span class="sc">William</span> exchanging confidences +from one end of the line to the +other with <span class="sc">Jarge</span>, while the startled +pheasant rises too soon and goes +back, to the despair of the keeper +and the guns. Then, too, are heard +the shouts of laughter which greet +the appearance of a rabbit, and the +air is thick with the sticks that +the joyous, beery beaters fling at +the scurrying form of their hereditary +foe. It is marvellous to note +with what a venomous hatred the +beater regards the bunny. Pheasant +or partridge he is careless of; +even the hare is, in comparison, a +thing of nought, but let him once +set eyes on a rabbit, and his whole +being seems to change. His eye +absolutely flashes, his chest heaves +with excitement beneath the ancient +piece of sacking that protects +his form from thorns. If the rabbit +falls to the shot, he yells with +exultation; if it be missed, an expression +of morose and gloomy disappointment +settles on his face, as +who should say, "Things are played +out; the world is worthless!"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/025.png"><img width="100%" src="images/025.png" alt="On their Beat." /></a><h3>On their Beat.</h3></div> + +<p>All these characteristics are the +keeper's despair; though, to be +sure, he has staunch lieutenants in +his under-keepers; and towards +the end of the day he can always +count on two sympathising allies in +the postman and the policeman. +These two never fail to come out +in the afternoon to join the beaters. +It is amusing to watch the +demeanour of the beaters in the policeman's presence. Some of them, +it is possible, have been immeshed by the law, and have made the +constable's acquaintance in his professional capacity. Others are +conscious of undiscovered peccadilloes, or they feel that on some +future day they may be led to transgress rules, of which the policeman +is the sturdy embodiment. None of them is, therefore, quite at +his best in the policeman's presence. Their attitude may be +described as one of uneasy familiarity, bursting here and there into +jocular nervousness, but never quite attaining the rollicking point. +You may sometimes take advantage of this feeling to let off a joke +on a beater. Select a stout, plethoric one, and say to him, "Mind +you keep your eye on the policeman, or he'll poach a rabbit before +you can say knife." This simple inversion of probabilities and +positions is quite certain to "go." A hesitating smile will first +creep into the corners of the beater's eye. After an interval spent +in grappling with the jest, he will become purple, and finally he will +explode.</p> + +<p>During the rest of the day you will hear him repeating your little +pleasantry either to himself or to his companions. You can keep it +up by saying now and then, "How many did the constable pocket +that last beat?" (<i>Shouts of laughter.</i>) Thus shall your reputation +as a humorist be established amongst the beating fraternity—("that +'ere Muster <span class="sc">Jackson</span>, 'e do make a chap laugh, that 'e do," is the +formula)—and if you revisit the same shooting next year, a beater is +sure to take an opportunity of saying to you, with a grin on his face, +"Policeman's a comin' out to-day, Sir; I'm a goin' to hev my eye +tight on 'im, so as 'e don't pocket no rabbits," to which you will +reply, "That's right, <span class="sc">George</span>, you stick to it, and you'll be a policeman +yourself some day," at which impossible anticipation there will +be fresh explosions of mirth. So easily pleased is the rustic mind, +so tenacious is the rustic memory.</p> + +<p>But the head-keeper recks not of these things. All the anxiety +of the day is his. If, for one reason or another, he fails to show as +good a head of game as had been expected, he knows his master will +be displeased. If the beaters prove intractable, the birds go wrong, +but the burden of the host's disappointment falls on the keeper's +shoulders. His are all the petty worries, the little failures of the +day. The keeper is, therefore, not given to conversation. How +should he be, with all these responsibilities weighing upon him? +Few of those who shoot realise what the keeper has gone through to +provide the sport. Inclement nights spent in the open, untiring +vigilance by day and by night, a constant and patient care of his +birds during the worst seasons, short hours of sleep, and long hours +of tramping, such is the keeper's +life. And, after all, what a fine +fellow is a good keeper. In what +other race of men can you find in +a higher degree the best and manliest +qualities, unswerving fidelity, +dauntless courage, unflinching endurance +of hardship and fatigue, +and an upright honesty of conduct +and demeanour? I protest that +if ever the sport of game-shooting +is attacked, one powerful argument +in its favour may be found +in the fact that it produces such +men as these, and fosters their +staunch virtues. Think well of +all this, my young friend, and do +not vex the harassed keeper with +idle and frivolous remarks. But +you may permit yourself to say to +him, during the day, "That's a +nice dog of yours; works capitally."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir," the keeper will say, +"he's not a bad 'un for a young +'un. Plenty of good blood in him. +His mother's old <i>Dido</i>. I've had +to leave her at home to-day, because +she's got a sore foot; but +her nose is something wonderful."</p> + +<p>"Did you have much trouble +breaking him?"</p> + +<p>"Lor' bless you, Sir, no. He +took to it like a duck to the water. +Nothing comes amiss to him. You +stand there, Sir, and you'll get +some nice birds over you. They +mostly breaks this way."</p> + +<p>That kind of conversation establishes +good relations, always an +important thing. Or you may +hint to him that he knows his +business better than the host, as +thus:—</p> + +<p>"I must have been in the wrong place that last beat. Not a +single bird came near me."</p> + +<p>"Of course you were, Sir. I knew how it would be. I wanted +you fifty yards higher up, but Mr. <span class="sc">Chalmers</span>, he would have you +here. Lor, I've never known birds break here. Now then, you boys, +stop that chattering, or I sends you all home. Seem to think they're +out here to enjoy theirselves, instead of doing as I tells 'em. Come, +rattle your sticks!"</p> + +<p>Thus are the little beaters and the stops admonished.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FROM A MODERN ENGLISH EXAMINATION-PAPER</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Which young Mr. D. Brown went in to floor, but which floored him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What is the meaning of "to deodorise." Give the +derivation.</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> "To deodorise" is to gild the statue of a heathen deity. +Literally "to gild a god." This compound verb is derived from +"<i>Deus</i>," dative "<i>Deo</i>," and the Greek verb "δωριξω, <i>i.e.</i> to gild."</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is a "Manicure"? Give its derivation.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> It is another term for a Mad Doctor. Its derivation is obvious—"Maniac +Cure." The last syllable of the first word being omitted +for the sake of convenience in pronunciation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/026.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026.png" alt="THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS." /></a><h3>THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Mr. Punch's Dreadful New Year's Dream after a Surfeit of Mince Pies and "Times" Correspondence.</i>)</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/027.png"><img width="100%" src="images/027.png" alt="AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE." /></a><h3>"AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE."</h3> + +<p><i>Hostess.</i> "<span class="sc">Er—allow me to introduce—er—Mr. Cornelius P. van Dunk, from +Chicago—Mr. Kemble Macready Kean, the great Tragedian, and Manager of the +Parthenon</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Van Dunk.</i> "<span class="sc">Mr. Kemble Macready Kean! Sir, your Name's very familiar +to me, and I'm proud to know you!—and I shall take an Early Opportunity of +asking you for some Orders for Your Theatre</span>!"</p></div> + +<h2>THE COMING OF THE BOGEYS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I had a Dream, which was not all a Dream.</p> +<p>(By Somnus and old Nox I fear 'twas <i>not</i>!)</p> +<p>Common-sense was extinguished, and Good Taste</p> +<p>Did wonder darkling on the verge of doom.</p> +<p>I saw a Monster, a malign, marine, </p> +<p>Mysterious, many-whorled, mug-lumbering Bogey,</p> +<p>Stretched (like Miltonian angels on the marl)</p> +<p>In league-long loops upon the billowy brine.</p> +<p>Beshrew thee, old familiar ocean Bogey,</p> +<p>Thou spectral spook of many Silly Seasons,</p> +<p>Beshrew thee, and avaunt! Which being put</p> +<p>In post-Shakspearian vernacular, means</p> +<p>Confound, you, and Get out!!! The monstrous worm</p> +<p>Wriggling its corkscrew periwinkly twists</p> +<p>Of trunk and tail alternate, winked huge goggles</p> +<p>Derisively and gurgled. "<i>Me</i> get out,</p> +<p>The Science-vouched, and Literature-upheld,</p> +<p>And Reason-rehabilitated butt</p> +<p>Of many years of misdirected mockery?</p> +<p>You ask omniscient <span class="sc">Huxley</span>, cocksure oracle</p> +<p>On all from protoplasm to Home Rule,</p> +<p>From Scripture to Sea Serpents; go consult</p> +<p>Belligerent, brave, beloved <span class="sc">Billy Russell</span>!</p> +<p>Verisimilitude incarnate, I</p> +<p>Scorn your vain sceptic mirth!</p> +<p><span class="i8">Besides, behold</span></p> +<p>The portent riding me, as Thetis rode</p> +<p>The lolloping, wolloping sea-horse of old!</p> +<p>Is it less likely that <i>I</i> should remain</p> +<p>Than <i>she</i> return?"</p> +<p><span class="i8">Then, horror-thrilled, I gazed</span></p> +<p>At her, the Abominable, the Ogreish Thing;</p> +<p>The soul-revolting, sense-degrading She,</p> +<p>Who swayed and sickened, scourged and scarified</p> +<p>The unwilling slaves of fashion and discomfort</p> +<p>A quarter of a century since!</p> +<p><span class="i8">She sat,</span></p> +<p>A spectral, scraggy, beet-nosed, ankle-less,</p> +<p>Obtrusive-panted, splay-foot, slattern-shape,</p> +<p>Of grim Medusa-faced Immodesty,</p> +<p>Caged cumbrously in a stiff, swaying, swollen,</p> +<p>Shin-scarifying, hose-revealing frame</p> +<p>Of wide-meshed metal, like a monster mousetrap—</p> +<p>Hideous, indecent, awkward!</p> +<p><span class="i8">Oh, I knew her—</span></p> +<p>This loathly <i>revenant</i>, revisiting</p> +<p>The glimpses of the moon. She shamed my sight,</p> +<p>And blocked my way, and marred my young men's art,</p> +<p>Twenty years syne and more. 'Twas CRINOLINA,</p> +<p>The long-abiding, happily banished horror</p> +<p>We hoped to see no more. <i>Shall</i> she return</p> +<p>To vex our souls, unsex our wives and daughters,</p> +<p>And spoil our pictures as she did of old?</p> +<p>Forbid it, womanhood and modesty!</p> +<p>And if <i>they</i> won't, let manhood and sound sense</p> +<p>Arise in wrath and warn the horror off,</p> +<p>Ere she effect a lodgment on the limbs</p> +<p>Of pretty girls, or clothe our matron's shapes</p> +<p>With shame as with a garment.</p> +<p><span class="i8">"Get thee gone!"</span></p> +<p>Cries <i>Punch</i>, and shakes his gingham in her face.</p> +<p>"The Silly Season's Nemesis we may stand,</p> +<p>But thou, the loathlier Bogey? <i>Garn away!</i></p> +<p>(As '<span class="sc">Liza</span> said to amorous <span class="sc">'Arry 'Awkins</span>)</p> +<p>Avaunt, skedaddle, slope, absquatulate,</p> +<p>Go, gruesome ghoul—go quickly—and for ever!!!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. R.'s</span> nephew read out an announcement +to the effect that Messrs. <span class="sc">Macmillan</span> +were about to publish Lord <span class="sc">Carnarvon's</span> +"Prometheus Bound." "Indeed!" exclaimed +Mr. R.'s excellent aunt. "That's very +vague. Doesn't it say how it's to be bound?—whether +in calf or vellum?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LAPSUS LINGUÆ.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>["There is scarcely one of us who does not +violate some rule of English grammar in every +sentence which he speaks."—<i>Daily News.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Never we dreamt of this horrible blundering!</p> +<p class="i2">Up to the present, we cheerfully spoke</p> +<p>Quite unaware of our errors, nor wondering</p> +<p class="i2">How many rules in each sentence we broke.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Now we can scarcely pronounce the admission that</p> +<p class="i2">Grammar and parsing we freely neglect,</p> +<p>Scarcely can dare to make humble petition that</p> +<p class="i2">Someone or other will cure this defect!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Often we err in the use of each particle,</p> +<p class="i2">Seldom observe where our adverbs belong,</p> +<p>Wholly misplace the indefinite article,</p> +<p class="i2">In our subjunctives go hopelessly wrong!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>What can we do? Will the <i>Daily News</i> qualify</p> +<p class="i2">As an instructor in matters like these?</p> +<p>How can we quickest successfully mollify</p> +<p class="i2">Those whom our errors must sadly displease?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Scarce can we venture the veriest platitude,</p> +<p class="i2">May not its grammar be shamefully weak?</p> +<p>You, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, can rely on our gratitude,</p> +<p class="i2">If you will tell us—how <i>ought</i> we to speak?</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">A Dark Saying</span>.—Had <span class="sc">Hilda Dawson</span>—who, +as reported in the <i>D. T.</i> one day last week, +was haled before Sir <span class="sc">Peter Edlin</span>—been a +character in some play of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span>, to +whom the Bard had given these words to utter—"And +this is what you call trial by Jury! +Why they are not fit to try shoemakers!" +what voluminous suggestions and explanations +of the meaning of this phrase would not +the learned Commentators have written! +What emendations, alterations, or amendments +of the text would not have been proposed! +Perhaps, some hundreds of years +hence, this dark saying of <span class="sc">Hilda Dawson's</span> +will engage the close attention of some among +the then existing learned body of Antiquaries.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Sounds Rather Like It</span>."—In France +the Ministry of Foreign Affairs has gone to +the <span class="sc">Develle</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/028a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028a.png" alt="The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting." /></a><p class="center">The Tip for the Alexandr(i)a Park Meeting. "<i>Heraclian</i> must win." +Notice the <i>Rara Nativa Oysteriana Shrub</i> in the background.</p></div> + +<h2>THE HAYMARKET HYPATIA.</h2> + +<p>That I never could struggle through <span class="sc">Charles Kingsley's</span> novel +<i>Hypatia</i>, is, as far as I am personally concerned, very much in +favour of my pronouncing an unbiassed opinion on the "<i>new +classical play</i>" ("Historical," if +you like, but not "classical," and +there is not the slightest chance of +its becoming a "classic") written +by <span class="sc">G. Stuart Ogilvie</span>, entitled +<i>Hypatia</i>, and "<i>founded on</i> <span class="sc">Kingsley's</span> +<i>celebrated Novel</i>," which +"celebrated Novel" is, for me at +least, not only "celebrated," but +"remarkable," as being one of the +very few works of fiction (excepting +always the majority of +<span class="sc">Kingsley's</span> works) completely baffling +my powers of endurance.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/028b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028b.png" alt="Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus." /></a><p class="center">Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus.</p></div> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Stuart Ogilvie's</span> Drama +may be a clever adaptation of a +story difficult to adapt; but that +his play is powerfully dramatic, +even when it arrives at what, as I +conceive, was intended to be its +strongest dramatic situation in +the Second Scene of the Third +Act, no one but an <i>Umbra</i> (to be +"classical"), a sycophant, a +"creature," or a contentious noodle, +could possibly assert. Yet, as a +series of <i>tableaux vivants</i>, illustrating +scenes in the public and private +life of <i>Issachar</i> the Jew,—and +that Jew Mr. <span class="sc">Beerbohm Tree</span>, so +artistically made up as to be absolutely +unrecognisable by those +who know him best,—the action is +decidedly interesting up to the end +of the Third Act. After that, all +is tumult. The gay and seductive +<i>Orestes</i>, Prefect of Alexandria +(carefully played by Mr. +<span class="sc">Lewis Waller</span>) is slain, anyhow, +all higgledy-piggledy, by the Jew, +<i>Issachar</i>, whose seductive daughter <i>Ruth</i> (sweetly and gently +represented by Miss <span class="sc">Olga Brandon</span>) this gay <span class="sc">Lothario</span> of a +Prefect has contrived, not, apparently, with any great difficulty, to +lead astray, or, to put it +"classically," to seduce +from the narrow path of +such virtue as is common +alike to Pagan, Jew, and +Christian. As for handsome +<i>Hypatia</i> herself, +magnificent though Miss +<span class="sc">Julia Neilson</span> be as a +classic model for a painter, +she is nowhere, dramatically, +in the piece, when +contrasted with the unhappy +Jewish Family of +two. It is the story of +<i>Issachar</i>, his daughter and +<i>Orestes</i>, that absorbs the +interest; and, as to what +becomes of <i>Cyril</i> and his +Merry Monks, of <i>Philammon</i> +(which, when pronounced, +sounds like a +modern Cockney-rendering +of <span class="sc">Philip Hammond</span>, with +the aspirate omitted and +the final "d" dropped), of +old <i>Theon</i> (who never +appears but he is immediately +sent away again, and +therefore might be termed +"<i>The-on-and-off-'un</i>"), +and, finally, of even that +charming specimen of a Girton +Girl-Lecturer on Philosophy +<i>Hypatia</i> herself, well—to +adopt <span class="sc">Hood's</span> couplet +about the Poor in London,—</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/028c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028c.png" alt="Cyrillus Fernandez Gladstonius Episcopus." /></a><p class="center">From an Ancient Vase found in the Haymarket.]</p></div> + + +<blockquote><p>"Where they goes, or how they fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares."</p></blockquote> + +<p>The entire interest is centred in <i>Issachar</i>, and had the author +devised some strong dramatic climax (such as occurs in that play of +<span class="sc">Sardou's</span> where <span class="sc">Sarah B</span>. stabs <span class="sc">Paul Berton</span>) with which to finish +the piece, when the Prefect should have been killed either by +<i>Issachar</i> or by <i>Miriam</i> (<span class="sc">Sardou</span> would have made <i>Issachar's</i> +daughter the heroine—the <span class="sc">Sara Bernhardt</span> +of the piece) then, in the penultimate +Act, anything tragic, or otherwise, might +picturesquely and appropriately have happened +to the classic Girton girl, <i>Hypatia</i>, and +Master <i>Phil 'Ammon</i>, +the good young +Monk so inclined to +go wrong, to the +great contentment +of the audience.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Tree</span> makes +a thoroughly oriental type of +<i>Issachar</i>, and it is within an +ace of being a grand impersonation. +What that ace exactly is, it +is somewhat difficult to say, but +what <i>is</i> wanting is wanting in his +great scene with his daughter. If +the dramatist had given him such +another final chance as I have +already suggested, the character +might have been dramatically +perfected in Mr. <span class="sc">Tree's</span> hands. +As it is, both by author and actor it +is left "to be finished in our next."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Terry</span> is good as the amatory +Monk, and Miss <span class="sc">Julia Neilson</span> +is statuesquely graceful as +<i>Hypatia</i>. If I say "she is making +strides in her profession," I must +be taken to allude not to her vast +improvement histrionically, but to +the long steps which she takes +across the stage.</p> + +<p>The costumes are admirable, +especially that of <i>Issachar</i>, on +whose attire the Messrs. <span class="sc">Nathan</span> +as Israel-lights-and-leaders must +be considered high authorities.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Alma Tadema, R.A.</span>, is responsible for the designs of the +scenery by Messrs. <span class="sc">Johnstone, Hann, Hall</span>, and <span class="sc">Harker</span>. [Great +chance for '<span class="sc">Arry</span> 'ere! "Scenery by '<span class="sc">Ann</span>—a lady artist of course—then +'<span class="sc">All</span> and then '<span class="sc">Arker</span>, from designs by <span class="sc">Halma Tadema</span>." "I +s'pose <span class="sc">Halma's</span> a artistic shemale," '<span class="sc">Arry</span> would say: "cos I know +as there's another <span class="sc">Halma</span> on the stage, leastways on the Music 'All +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> +stage, and she's <span class="sc">Halma Stanley</span>."] +Whatever the designing <span class="sc">Alma</span> +may have done, I cannot say +much for the reproduction of his +favourite game of marbles. The +"marble halls" lack polish; but +the Market Place, The Court of +<i>Hypatia's</i> House, <i>Issachar's</i> +snuggery, and a Street in Alexandria, +are highly effective pictures. +But I should like to know +if in Mr. <span class="sc">Alma Tadema</span>'s design +for the Monk's dress, Mr. <span class="sc">Fred +Terry</span> found a small black and +silver crucifix of very modern +workmanship suspended from the +girdle, as this religious emblem +did not come into use until a +much later date. By the way, +ecclesiastical ornaments must +have been cheap in those days to +warrant <i>Bishop Cyril</i> (strongly +rendered by Mr. <span class="sc">Fernandez</span>) +flaunting about the streets of +Alexandria in such rainbow +robes as, in a later age, would +have led people to imagine that +he had just broken out of the +stained glass window of a Gothic +Cathedral. Two thousand years +hence the New Zealand dramatist +may represent the Archbishop of +<span class="sc">Canterbury</span> as walking about +London in his lawn sleeves with +coronation cope and mitre, or +Cardinal <span class="sc">Herbert Vaughan</span> +as wearing his scarlet hat and +robes, and riding in a Hansom +cab, having been unable to pick +up his own Cardinal's train. All +this were hypercriticism, but that +the name of <span class="sc">Alma Tadema, R.A.</span>, is a public guarantee for +academical accuracy.</p> + +<p>Anyhow, <i>Hypatia</i>, if not "a famous victory"—is at least a fine +spectacle, with some fine acting in it, but this is mainly confined +to Mr. <span class="sc">Beerbohm Tree</span>. As the very heavy father, Mr. <span class="sc">Kemble</span> +has not been allowed half a chance. Why should he not alternate +characters with Mr. <span class="sc">Fernandez</span>, and for three nights a week +appear as <i>Cyril</i> the Bishop, while <span class="sc">Fernandez</span> would be <i>Hypatia's</i> +parent who has to grovel on the steps while his highly educated +child is lecturing, who has to comfort her in her terror, and be +turned out neck and crop whenever nobody on the scene wants him, +which by the way, happens rather frequently.</p> + +<p>The music to a Drama is generally a minor affair, but, in this +instance, it is both major and minor, and has been specially written +for the piece by Dr. <span class="sc">Hubert Parry</span>. As this play is not an "adaptation +from the French," the music of this Composer is the only <i>article +de Parry</i> about the piece, and, being strikingly appropriate, it +proves an attraction of itself. It is conducted by the Wagnerian +<span class="sc">Armbruster</span>, who, with his Merry Men, is hidden away under the +stage, much as was the Ghost of <i>Hamlet's</i> father whom <i>Hamlet</i> +irreverently styled "Old Truepenny." Altogether a notable piece. +<i>Prosit!</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The B in a Box</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CHEAP LAW IN THE CITY.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Probable Development of the new "London Chamber of Arbitration," for the economical Settlement of +Disputes without recourse to Litigation</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:83%;"><a href="images/029.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029.png" alt="'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand +murder defence, Guv'nor? Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise +Department?" /></a><p class="center">"'Ave yer got sich a thing as a second-hand +murder defence, Guv'nor?" + +"Could you direct me to the Breach of Promise +Department?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>The one volume entitled <i>My Flirtations</i>, written by <span class="sc">Margaret +Wynman</span> (so like a real name!), and published by Messrs. <span class="sc">Chatto +and Windus</span>, consists of short stories setting forth the varied +experiences of an uncommonly 'cute young lady. It is a literary +portfolio of lively sketches of men and women, "their tricks and +their manners," all most amusing, and told in a naturally easy and +epigrammatic style. Some of the characters are evidently intended +for portraits, which anyone living in the London world could +easily label—(which by changing "a" into "i" would be the probable +consequence)—were he not baffled by the art of the skilful +writer, and by the equally skilful illustrator—our Mr. <span class="sc">Partridge</span>—who +have, the pair of them, combined to throw the reader off the +right scent. The one mistake—not a fatal error, however,—which +this authoress has made, is that of getting herself engaged in the +last story. Not married, fortunately; only engaged. Consequently +the match can be broken off. Let her be "engaged" on another +volume. She can be married at the end of volume three, and may +give us her experiences as the wife of Mr. Whoever-it-may-be. +Will the clever authoress accept this well-meant hint from her +literary and critical admirer, <span class="sc">The Gallant Baron de B.-W.</span>?</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT WITH THE CHILDREN AT GILDHALL.</h2> + +<p>Well, I don't quite kno as I quite hunderstans what's bin a +goin on in our old Sacred Gildall, or weather it's all xactly what +sum of our werry sollemest Holldermen, or ewen our werry anshent +Depputys, might admire; but I must say, for myself, that too +thowsand more owdashus boys, and larfing gals, I never seed nor +herd than I did on Toosday larst, for about fore hours, in old +Gildall aforesaid!</p> + +<p>Jest to show how the werry best, aye and the werry wisest on +us, gets carried away by the site of swarms of appy children +a enjoying thereselves, as praps they never did afore, I feels +myself compelled to state, that our good kind Lord <span class="sc">Mare</span> was so +delighted to see sich swarms of appy children all round him and +looking up to him so appy and so grateful, that, jest afore it was +time to go, he acshally told 'em a most wunderful story all about +two great Giants as lived in the rain of King <span class="sc">Lud</span>, on Ludgate Hill. +I was that estonished when he begun, as to amost think that <span class="sc">Gog</span> +and <span class="sc">Magog</span>, as stood on both sides of him, would begin to grin, but +that was, of course, only a passing delushun. But didn't all the +children lissen with open mouths when the Lord <span class="sc">Mare</span> told 'em that +one of the Giants had too heads, and the other three! and that a +very good boy named <span class="sc">Jack</span> managed to kill 'em both!</p> + +<p>And so all was ended but the cheering, and that the pore delited +children kept up till they all marched out, smiling and +appy, and wishing as such glorious heavenings was in store for +them in grand old Gildall for many, many years to come, and +with sitch a Lord Mare to see as everything was done as it had been +done that jolly heavening.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Robert</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dwarfs</span>.—Of course there are dwarfs. Lots of 'em all over the +world. At least no experienced traveller ever yet made a stay in +any country without becoming acquainted with plenty of people who +were "uncommonly 'short' just at that moment,"—"that +moment" being when the impecunious traveller wanted to obtain a +slight loan. The author of <i>Borrow in Spain</i> would have been an +authority on such a subject.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Transformation Scene</span>.—Dear Sir, I see by the paper that "Mr. +<span class="sc">Edmund Yates</span> has been made a J. P." Odd! What does "J. P." +stand for? Oh, of course, "<span class="sc">Joe Parkinson</span>." But does "E. Y." +on becoming "J. P." cease to be "<span class="sc">Moi-Même</span>"?—Yours, M. <span class="sc">Muddle</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/030.png"><img width="100%" src="images/030.png" alt="A TOO INQUIRING MIND." /></a><h3>A TOO INQUIRING MIND.</h3> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">How was <i>I</i> made, Mammie darling? Was I <i>Knitted</i></span>?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE LATEST TRADE OUTRAGE!</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation +Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster and +the Maid Forlorn."</i>)</p> + +<blockquote><p>["A large number of complaints have reached +the Board of Trade with regard to increase in the +new rates adopted by Railway Companies as from +January 1 ... among other complaints of increase +of rates for the conveyance of milk, grain, +hay and other agricultural produce, firewood, live +stock, coal and coke, iron and hardware."—Sir +<span class="sc">Courtenay Boyle</span> <i>to the Secretary of the Railway +Companies Association</i>.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! who'll bring a rescue or two to the help of a much-injured Maid,</p> +<p>Thus cruelly bound hand and foot, and by miscreants ruthlessly laid</p> +<p>On the lines, in the Pathway of Peril? The Monster snorts nearer! Bohoo!</p> +<p>'Tis a Melodrame-crisis of danger!—and <i>who'll</i> bring a rescue or two?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Maid (British Trade), has been harried and hunted by villains and robbers,</p> +<p>By bold, bad, black-masked foreign foes, and by home-bred monopolist jobbers.</p> +<p>In town or in country alike the poor dear has been chevied and chased.</p> +<p>By rivals deceitful and dark, and by kindred deboshed and debased.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>She once was a proud reigning beauty, who now is a maid all forlorn,</p> +<p>As hopeless and helpless, and tearful as <span class="sc">Ruth</span> midst the alien corn.</p> +<p>Or poor Proserpine snatched by dark Pluto afar from the day and the light;</p> +<p>Torn away—like this maiden—from Ceres, and wrapt—like this maiden—in night.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Perchance she was just a bit haughty in virginal safety and pride;</p> +<p>No rival too near her high throne, Prince <span class="sc">Fortunio</span> aye at her side;</p> +<p>But now a poor <span class="sc">Perdita</span>, prone at the feet of her foes she lies bound,</p> +<p>And that melodramatic thud-thud draweth near—a most menacing sound!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah! sure 'twas enough to deprive the Maid of Protection, her trust!</p> +<p>But this is the last straw of burden that bows her poor back to the dust.</p> +<p>That Monster <i>should</i> be her sworn henchman, and now she lies bound in his path!</p> +<p>Oh! where is the hero who'll rush to her rescue, in chivalrous wrath?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Such champion always turns up—on the stage! <span class="sc">Chaplin, Winchilsea, Boyle,</span></p> +<p><span class="sc">Howard-Vincent</span> & Co., here's your chance. Shall she be that big Monster's mere spoil?</p> +<p>Ah! Surely the Maid is too lovely to leave to the murderous crew</p> +<p>Of the Monster Monopoly's myrmidons! <i>Who</i>'ll bring a rescue or two?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Her First Appearance.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"What! a new Magazine!" just so,</p> +<p>First number, January, "Oh!</p> +<p>So far? yet farther sure will go</p> +<p class="i10"><i>The Mother.</i>"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">School Attendance in Bad Weather.</span>"—"<span class="sc">Sandford</span>" +writes of this to the <i>Times</i>. +Why doesn't <span class="sc">Merton</span>—our <span class="sc">Tommy Merton</span>—speak? +And what has the venerated +Mr. <span class="sc">Barlow</span> got to say?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">The Situation in Europe</span>."—Monte +Carlo (<i>i.e.</i>, for the winter months).</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ETHNOGRAPHICAL ALPHABET.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A is an Afghan, whose knife bids one quail;</p> +<p>B is a Boer, who made England turn pale;</p> +<p>C is a Chinaman, proud of his tail;</p> +<p>D is a Dutchman, who loves pipe and ale;</p> +<p>E is an Eskimo, packed like a bale;</p> +<p>F is a Frenchman, <i>à Paris fidèle</i>;</p> +<p>G is a German, he fought tooth and nail;</p> +<p>H is a Highlander, otherwise Gael;</p> +<p>I is an Irishman, just out of gaol;</p> +<p>J is a Jew at a furniture sale;</p> +<p>K is a Kalmuck, not high in the scale;</p> +<p>L is a Lowlander, swallowing kale;</p> +<p>M a Malay, a most murderous male;</p> +<p>N a Norwegian, who dwells near the whale;</p> +<p>O is an Ojibway, brave on the trail;</p> +<p>P is a Pole with a past to bewail;</p> +<p>Q is a Queenslander, sunburnt and hale;</p> +<p>R is a Russian, against whom we rail;</p> +<p>S is a Spaniard, as slow as a snail;</p> +<p>T is a Turk with his wife in a veil;</p> +<p>U a United States' Student at Yale;</p> +<p>V a Venetian in gondola frail;</p> +<p>W Welshman, with coal, slate,—and shale;</p> +<p>X is a Xanthian—or is he too stale?—</p> +<p>Y is a Yorkshireman, bred by the Swale;</p> +<p>Z is a Zulu;—and now letters fail.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Latest Paradox.—John Strange +Winter</span> is taking Summer-y proceedings +against the Coming Crinoline. Henceforth +she will be always known as "the <span class="sc">Winter</span> +of our Discontent."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Good Bus</span>."—From the <i>Times</i> money +article we learn that <span class="sc">Parr's</span> Banking Co., +Limited, is paying 19 per cent. The price of +the shares, therefore, must be considerably +"<i>above par</i>." Capital this, for <i>Ma'</i>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/031.png"><img width="100%" src="images/031.png" alt="SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE!" /></a><h3>SHOCKING TRADE OUTRAGE!</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The Monopoly-Monster and the Maid Forlorn."</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"OH! WHO'LL BRING A RESCUE OR TWO TO THE HELP OF A MUCH-INJURED MAID,</p> +<p>THUS CRUELLY BOUND HAND AND FOOT, AND BY MISCREANTS RUTHLESSLY LAID</p> +<p>ON THE LINES, IN THE PATHWAY OF PERIL? THE MONSTER SNORTS NEARER! BOHOO!</p> +<p>'TIS A MELODRAME-CRISIS OF DANGER!—AND <i>WHO'LL</i> BRING A RESCUE OR TWO?"</p> +</div></div></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page32" id="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span><br /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/033.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033.png" alt="SUBACIDITIES." /></a><h3>SUBACIDITIES.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>Gladys.</i> <span class="sc">"Oh, Muriel dear, that heavenly Frock!—I think it looks lovelier every Year</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE LAY OF THE (MUSIC-HALL) LAUREATE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah! Who talks of the reversion of the Laurel,</p> +<p class="i2">Of your <span class="sc">Morrisses</span>, and <span class="sc">Swinburnes</span>, and that gang?</p> +<p><i>I</i> could lick them in a canter—that's a moral!</p> +<p class="i2">I'm the most prolific bard who ever sang.</p> +<p>Of the modern Music Hall I'm chosen Laureate,</p> +<p class="i2">My cackle and my patter fill the Town;</p> +<p>I'm more popular than <span class="sc">Burns</span>, a thing to glory at;</p> +<p class="i2">My name is <span class="sc">Pindar Boanerges Brown</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You have never heard it mentioned? Highly probable</p> +<p class="i2">A hundred duffers flourish on <i>my</i> fame;</p> +<p>But the Muse is <i>so</i> peculiarly rob-able,</p> +<p class="i2">And I am very little known—by name?</p> +<p>But ask the Big <span class="sc">Bonassus</span>—on the Q. T.—</p> +<p class="i2">Or ask the Sisters <span class="sc">Squorks</span>, of P. B. B.</p> +<p>And they'll tell you Titan Talent, Siren Beauty,</p> +<p class="i2">Would be both the frostiest fizzles but for Me!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Gracious Heavens! When I think of all the cackle</p> +<p class="i2">I have turned out for the heroes of the Halls!!!</p> +<p>No wonder that the task I've now to tackle—</p> +<p class="i2">Something new and smart for <span class="sc">Tricksy Trip</span>!—appals.</p> +<p>I have tried three several songs—and had to "stock 'em,"</p> +<p class="i2">She's imperative; her last Great Hit's played out,</p> +<p>And she wants "a new big thing that's bound to knock 'em."</p> +<p class="i2">And "she'd like it by return of post!"—No doubt!!!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>She does four turns a night, and rakes the shekels;</p> +<p class="i2">She sports a suit of sables and a brougham.</p> +<p>Five years ago a lanky girl, with freckles,</p> +<p class="i2">First fetched 'em with my hit, "<i>The Masher Groom</i>."</p> +<p>And now her limbs spread pink on all the posters,</p> +<p class="i2">And now she drives her pony-chaise—and Me!</p> +<p>Poet-Laureate? I should like to set the boasters</p> +<p class="i2">The tasks I have to try for "<span class="sc">Tricksy T</span>."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I am vivid, I am various, I am versatile;</p> +<p class="i2">I did "<i>Up to the Nines</i>" for <span class="sc">Dandy Dobbs</span>,</p> +<p>And "<i>Smacky-Smack</i>" for "<span class="sc">Tiddlums</span>,"—Isn't <i>hers</i> a tile?—</p> +<p class="i2">"<i>Salvation Sue</i>"—the stiffest of stiff jobs—</p> +<p>For roopy-raspy-voiced and vain "<span class="sc">Œolia</span>,"</p> +<p class="i2">Who dubs herself the <span class="sc">Schneider-Patti Blend</span>;</p> +<p>And now, a prey to stone-broke melancholia,</p> +<p class="i2">I sit and rack my fancy, to no end!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>My ink runs dry, my wits seem gone wool-gathering;</p> +<p class="i2">And yet I know that over half the town</p> +<p><i>My</i> "stuff" the Stars are blaring, bleating, blathering,</p> +<p class="i2">Sacking a tenner where I pouch a crown.</p> +<p>I know that my—anonymous—smart verses,</p> +<p class="i2">Are piling oof for middlemen in sacks,</p> +<p>My verse brings pros. seal-coats and well-stuffed purses</p> +<p class="i2">My back care bows, whilst profits lade <i>their</i> backs.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>If you'll show me any "Poet" more prolific,</p> +<p class="i2">If you'll point to any "patterer" more smart,</p> +<p>One whose "patriotic" zeal is more terrific,</p> +<p class="i2">Who can give me at snide slang the slightest start,</p> +<p>Who can fit a swell, a toff, a cad, a coster,</p> +<p class="i2">At the very shortest notice, as <i>I</i> can,</p> +<p>Why, unless he is a swaggering impostor,</p> +<p class="i2">I will gladly hail him as the Coming Man!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>But he'll have to be a dab at drunken drivel,</p> +<p class="i2">And he'll have to be a daisy at sick gush,</p> +<p>To turn on the taps of swagger and of snivel,</p> +<p class="i2">Raise the row-de-dow heel-chorus and hot flush.</p> +<p>He must know the taste of sensual young masher,</p> +<p class="i2">As well as that of aitch-omitting snob;</p> +<p>And then—well, I'll admit he <i>is</i> a dasher,</p> +<p class="i2">Who, as Laureate (of the Halls) is "on the job!"</p> +</div></div> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Left lamenting.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + +<h2>THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Story in Scenes</span></p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span> I.—<i>Breakfast-room at No. 92a, Porchester Square, Bayswater. +Rhubarb-green and gilt paper, with dark olive dado: +curtains of a nondescript brown. Black marble clock on +grey granite mantelpiece; Landseer engravings; tall book-case, +containing volumes of "The Quiver," "Mission-Work in +Mesopotamia," a cheap Encyclopedia, and the "Popular +History of Europe." +Time, about 9:45.</i> +Mr. <span class="sc">Montague Tidmarsh</span> +<i>is leaving to +catch his omnibus</i>. +Mrs. T. <i>is at her +Davenport in the +window</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>from the door</i>). +Anything else you want +me to do, <span class="sc">Maria</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Don't forget +the turbot—and mind you +choose it yourself—and +the lobster for the sauce—oh, +and look in at <span class="sc">Seakale's</span> +as you pass, and +remind him to be here +punctually at seven, to +help <span class="sc">Jane</span> with the table, +and say I insist on his +waiting in <i>clean</i> white +gloves; and be home early +yourself, and—there, if he +hasn't rushed off before I +remembered half——(Mr. +T. <i>re-appears at the door</i>.) +What is it <i>now</i>, <span class="sc">Montague</span>? +I do wish you'd +start, and have done with +it, instead of keeping <span class="sc">Jane</span> +at the front door, when +she ought to be clearing +away breakfast!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> Very sorry, my +love—I was just going, +when I met a Telegraph-boy +with this, for you, I +hope there's nothing +wrong with Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span>, +I'm sure.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Don't stand +there holding it—give it +to me. (<i>She opens it.</i>) +"Regret impossible dine +to-night—lost Great Aunt +very suddenly.—<span class="sc">Buckram</span>." +How provoking of +the man! And I particularly +wished him to +meet Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span>, because +he is such a good +listener, and they would +be sure to get on together. +As if he hadn't all the +rest of the year to lose his +Aunt in!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> That's <span class="sc">Buckram</span> +all over. Never can +depend upon that fellow. +(<i>Gloomily.</i>) Now we shall +be thirteen at table!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Nonsense, +<span class="sc">Montague</span>—we <i>can't</i> be! +Let me see—Uncle +<span class="sc">Gabriel</span> and Aunt <span class="sc">Joanna</span>, two; the <span class="sc">Ditchwaters</span>, four; <span class="sc">Bodfishes</span>, +six; <span class="sc">Toomers</span>, eight; Miss <span class="sc">Bugle</span>, nine; Mr. <span class="sc">Poffley</span>, +ten; <span class="sc">Cecilia Flinders</span>, eleven, ourselves—we <i>are</i> thirteen! +And I know Uncle will refuse to sit down at all if he notices it; +and, anyway, it is sure to cast a gloom over the whole thing. We +<i>must</i> get somebody!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> Couldn't that Miss—what's her name? <span class="sc">Seaton</span>—dine, +for once?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> The idea, <span class="sc">Montague</span>! Then there would be one Lady +too many—if you can <i>call</i> a Governess a Lady, that is. And I do so +disapprove of taking people out of their proper station.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/034.png"><img width="100%" src="images/034.png" alt="Montague, don't say you went and ordered him." /></a><h3>"Montague, <i>don't</i> say you went and ordered him."</h3></div> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> I might wire to <span class="sc">Filleter</span> or <span class="sc">Makewayt</span>—but I rather +think they're both away, and it won't do to run any risk. Shall I +bring home <span class="sc">Sternstuhl</span> or <span class="sc">Federfuchs</span>? Very quiet, respectable +young fellows, and I could let one of 'em go off early to dress.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Thank you, <span class="sc">Montague</span>—but I won't have one of your +German clerks at <i>my</i> table—everyone would see what he was in a +minute. And he mightn't even have a dress-suit! Let me think ... <i>I</i> +know what we can do. <span class="sc">Blankley</span> supplies extra guests for parties +and things. I remember seeing it in the paper. We must hire a man +there. Go there at once, <span class="sc">Montague</span>, it's very little out of your way, +and tell them to be sure +and send a gentlemanly +person—he needn't talk +much, and he won't be +required to tell any anecdotes. +Make haste, say +they can put him down to +my deposit account.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> I don't half like +the idea, <span class="sc">Maria</span>, but I +suppose it's the only thing +left. I'll go and see what +they can do for us.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He goes out.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I <i>know</i> he'll +make some muddle—I'd +better do it myself! (<i>She +rushes out into the passage.</i>) +<span class="sc">Jane</span>, is your +Master gone? Call him +back—there, I'll do it. +(<i>She calls after Mr. T.'s +retreating form from the +doorstep.</i>) <span class="sc">Montague</span>! +never mind about <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>. +<i>I</i>'ll see to it. Do +you hear?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s Voice</i> (<i>from +the corner</i>). All right, my +love, all right! I hear.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I must go +round before lunch. <span class="sc">Jane</span>, +send Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> to me +in the breakfast-room. +(<i>She goes back to her desk; +presently</i> Miss <span class="sc">Marjory +Seaton</span> <i>enters the room; +she is young and extremely +pretty, with an air of +dejected endurance</i>.) Oh, +Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span>, just copy +out these <i>menus</i> for me, in +your neatest writing, and +see that the French is all +right. You will have +plenty of time for it, as I +shall take Miss <span class="sc">Gwendolen</span> +out myself this morning. +By the way, I shall +expect you to appear in +the drawing-room this +evening before dinner. I +hope you have a suitable +frock?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton.</i> I have a +black one with lace sleeves +and heliotrope <i>chiffon</i>, if +that will do—it was made +in Paris.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You are fortunate +to be able to command +such luxuries. All +<i>my</i> dresses are made in +the Grove.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seat.</i> (<i>biting her +lip</i>). Mine was made when we—before I—— [<i>She checks herself.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You need not remind me <i>quite</i> so often that your circumstances +were formerly different, Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span>, for I am perfectly +aware of the fact. Otherwise, I should not feel justified in bringing +you in contact, even for so short a time, with my relations and +friends, who are <i>most</i> particular. I think that is all I wanted you +for at present. Stop, you are forgetting the <i>menus</i>.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> <i>collects the cards and goes out with compressed lips +as</i> <span class="sc">Jane</span> <i>enters</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Jane.</i> Another telegram, if you please, M'm, and Cook would like +to speak to you about the pheasants. +</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + +<div class="figright" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/035.png"><img width="100%" src="images/035.png" alt="THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY." /></a><h3>THE POET LAUREATE OF THE MUSIC HALLS. A STUDY. [<i>See <a href="#page33">p. 33.</a></i></h3></div> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Oh, dear me, <span class="sc">Jane</span>! I wish you +wouldn't come and startle me with your +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> +horrid telegrams—there, give it to me. +(<i>Reading.</i>) "Wife down, violent influenza. +Must come without her, <span class="sc">Toomer</span>." (<i>Resentfully.</i>) +Again! and I <i>know</i> she's had it twice +since the spring—it's too tiresomely inconsid—no, +it isn't—it's the very best thing +she could do. Now we shall be only twelve, +and I needn't order that man from <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>, +after all. Poor dear woman, I must +really write her a nice sympathetic little note—so +<i>fortunate</i>!</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span> II.—Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh's</span> <i>Bedroom—Time +7:15.</i> Mrs. T. <i>has just had her +hair dressed by her Maid</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You might have given me more +of a fringe than that, <span class="sc">Pinnifer</span>. You don't +make nearly so much of my hair as you used +to! (<span class="sc">Pinnifer</span> <i>discreetly suppress the obvious +retort</i>.) Well, I suppose that must do. +I shan't require you any more. Go down and +see if the lamps in the drawing-room are +smelling. (<span class="sc">Pinnifer</span> <i>goes; sounds of ablutions +are heard from</i> Mr. T.'s <i>dressing-room</i>.) +<span class="sc">Montague</span>, is that you? I never heard you +come in.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s Voice</i> (<i>indistinctly.</i>) Only just +this moment come up, my dear. Been putting +out the wine.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> You always <i>will</i> leave everything +to the last. No, don't come in. What? +How can I hear what you say when you keep +on splashing and spluttering like that?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s Voice</i> (<i>from beneath a towel.</i>) +That dozen of Champagne Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span> +sent has run lower than I thought—only two +bottles and a pint left. And he can't drink +that <i>Saumur</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Two bottles and a half ought to +be ample, if <span class="sc">Seakale</span> manages properly—among +twelve.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> Twelve, my love? you mean +<i>fourteen</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I mean nothing of the sort. +Mrs. <span class="sc">Toomer's</span> got influenza again—luckily, +so of course we shall be just twelve.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> <span class="sc">Maria</span>, why didn't you tell +me that before? Because I say, look here!——</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He half opens the door.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> I won't have you coming in here +all over soap, there's nothing to get excited +about. Twelve's a very convenient number.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> Twelve! Yes—but how about +that fellow you told me to order from <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>? +He'll be the thirteenth!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> <span class="sc">Montague</span>, <i>don't</i> say you went +and ordered him, after I expressly said you +were not to mind, and that I would see about +it myself! You heard me call after you from +the front door?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> I—I understood you to say +that I was to mind and see to it myself; and +so I went there the very first thing. The +Manager assured me he would send us a +person accustomed to the best society, who +would give every satisfaction. <i>I</i> couldn't +be expected to know you had changed your +mind!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> How <i>could</i> you be so idiotic! We +simply can't sit down thirteen. Uncle will +think we did it on purpose to shorten his life, +<span class="sc">Montague</span>, do something—write, and put +him off, quick—do you hear?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.'s V.</i> (<i>plaintively</i>). My love, I <i>can't</i> +write while I'm like this—and I've no pen +and ink in here, either!</p> + +<p><i>Jane</i> (<i>outside</i>). Please, Sir, <span class="sc">Seakale</span> would +like a word with you about the Sherry you +put out—it don't seem to ta—smell quite +right to him.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> Oh, never mind Sherry <i>now</i>. +(<i>She scribbles on a leaf from her pocket-book.</i>) +Here, <span class="sc">Jane</span>, tell <span class="sc">Seakale</span> to run with this to +<span class="sc">Blankley's</span>—quick.... There, <span class="sc">Montague</span> +I've written to <span class="sc">Blankley's</span> not to send the man—they're sure to keep that sort of person +on the premises; so, if <span class="sc">Seakale</span> gets there before they close, it will be all right.... Oh, +don't worry so.... What? White ties! How should <i>I</i> know where they are? You +should speak to <span class="sc">Jane</span>. And do, for goodness sake, make haste! <i>I'm</i> going down.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>alone</i>). <span class="sc">Maria</span>! hi.... She's gone—and she never told me what I'm to do if +this confounded fellow turns up, after all! Hang it, I must have a tie somewhere!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He pulls out drawer after drawer of his wardrobe, in a violent flurry.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figright" style="width:67%;"><a href="images/036.png"><img width="100%" src="images/036.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<h2>THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been established.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What are the duties of a Porter?</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible expedition.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Is there any exception to that general rule?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the bestowal of a tip.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, say, +Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!"</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a military-looking +Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first claim his attention?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Why, of course, the Captain.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking both.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole to the +other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take some time in finding +the required amount of change. If the passenger is irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk +can stop to explain, and remonstrate. In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the +trains, a busy Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging +outside the station.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> When he happens to be in a bad temper.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his superiors have +any effect upon a Booking-Clerk?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either for Melbourne, +Australia, or Timbuctoo.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such circumstances?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> To bear it either with or without a grin.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Is there much point about a Pointsman?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> And does his application of the break suggest anything?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">A Suggestion for Pantomime.</span>—The good Fairy, Sir <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span>, triumphing over +Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, the obstructionists. +Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as <i>Kate Nickleby's</i> lunatic lover observed, +"All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. <span class="sc">Dan Leno</span> and <span class="sc">Campbell</span> are doing great business just +now. <i>Vive</i> <span class="sc">Druriolanus Pantomimicus Imperator</span>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>." What a contrast!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><font size="+1">☞</font>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, January 21, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20704-h.htm or 20704-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/0/20704/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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