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diff --git a/old/ccstl10.txt b/old/ccstl10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24a0600 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ccstl10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4929 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext Crotchet Castle, by Thomas Love Peacock +#2 in our series by Thomas Love Peacock + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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His first poem, +"The Genius of the Thames," was in its second edition when he +became one of the friends of Shelley. That was in 1812, when +Shelley's age was twenty, Peacock's twenty-seven. The acquaintance +strengthened, until Peacock became the friend in whose judgment +Shelley put especial trust. There were many points of agreement. +Peacock, at that time, shared, in a more practical way, Shelley's +desire for root and branch reform; both wore poets, although not +equally gifted, and both loved Plato and the Greek tragedians. In +"Crotchet Castle" Peacock has expressed his own delight in Greek +literature through the talk of the Reverend Dr. Folliott. + +But Shelley's friendship for Peacock included a trust in him that +was maintained by points of unlikeness. Peacock was shrewd and +witty. He delighted in extravagance of a satire which usually said +more than it meant, but always rested upon a foundation of good +sense. Then also there was a touch of the poet to give grace to +the utterances of a clear-headed man of the world. It was Peacock +who gave its name to Shelley's poem of "Alastor, or the Spirit of +Solitude," published in 1816. The "Spirit of Solitude" being +treated as a spirit of evil, Peacock suggested calling it +"Alastor," since the Greek [Greek text] means an evil genius. + +Peacock's novels are unlike those of other men: they are the +genuine expressions of an original and independent mind. His +reading and his thinking ran together; there is free quotation, +free play of wit and satire, grace of invention too, but always +unconventional. The story is always pleasant, although always +secondary to the play of thought for which it gives occasion. He +quarrelled with verse, whimsically but in all seriousness, in an +article on "The Four Ages of Poetry," contributed in 1820 to a +short-lived journal, "Ollier's Literary Miscellany." The four ages +were, he said, the iron age, the Bardic; the golden, the Homeric; +the silver, the Virgilian; and the brass, in which he himself +lived. "A poet in our time," he said, "is a semi-barbarian in a +civilised community . . . The highest inspirations of poetry are +resolvable into three ingredients: the rant of unregulated +passion, the whining of exaggerated feeling, and the cant of +factitious sentiment; and can, therefore, serve only to ripen a +splendid lunatic like Alexander, a puling driveller like Werter, or +a morbid dreamer like Wordsworth." In another part of this essay +he says: "While the historian and the philosopher are advancing in +and accelerating the progress of knowledge, the poet is wallowing +in the rubbish of departed ignorance, and raking up the ashes of +dead savages to find gewgaws and rattles for the grown babies of +the age. Mr. Scott digs up the poacher and cattle-stealers of the +ancient Border. Lord Byron cruises for thieves and pirates on the +shores of the Morea and among the Greek islands. Mr. Southey wades +through ponderous volumes of travels and old chronicles, from which +he carefully selects all that is false, useless, and absurd, as +being essentially poetical; and when he has a commonplace book full +of monstrosities, strings them into an epic." And so forth; +Peacock going on to characterise, in further illustration of his +argument, Wordsworth, Coleridge, Moore, and Campbell. He did not +refer to Shelley; and Shelley read his friend's whimsical attack on +poetry with all good humour, proceeding to reply to it with a +"Defence of Poetry," which would have appeared in the same journal, +if the journal had survived. In this novel of "Crotchet Castle" +there is the same good-humoured exaggeration in the treatment of +"our learned friend"--Lord Brougham--to whom and to whose labours +for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge there are repeated allusions. +In one case Peacock associates the labours of "our learned friend" +for the general instruction of the masses with encouragement of +robbery (page 172), and in another with body-snatching, or, worse,- +-murder for dissection (page 99). "The Lord deliver me from the +learned friend!" says Dr. Folliott. Brougham's elevation to a +peerage in November, 1830, as Lord Brougham and Vaux, is referred +to on page 177, where he is called Sir Guy do Vaux. It is not to +be forgotten, in the reading, that this story was written in 1831, +the year before the passing of the Reform Bill. It ends with a +scene suggested by the agricultural riots of that time. In the +ninth chapter, again, there is a passage dealing with Sir Walter +Scott after the fashion of the criticisms in the "Four Ages of +Poetry." But this critical satire gave nobody pain. Always there +was a ground-work of good sense, and the broad sweep of the satire +was utterly unlike the nibbling censure of the men whose wit is +tainted with ill-humour. We may see also that the poet's nature +cannot be expelled. In this volume we should find the touch of a +poet's hand in the tale itself when dealing with the adventures of +Mr. Chainmail, while he stays at the Welsh mountain inn, if the +story did not again and again break out into actual song, for it +includes half-a-dozen little poems. + +When Peacock wrote his attack on Poetry, he had, only two years +before, produced a poem of his own--"Rhododaphne"--with a Greek +fancy of the true and the false love daintily worked out. It was +his chief work in verse, and gave much pleasure to a few, among +them his friend Shelley. But he felt that, as the world went, he +was not strong enough to help it by his singing, so he confined his +writing to the novels, in which he could speak his mind in his own +way, while doing his duty by his country in the East India House, +where he obtained a post in 1818. From 1836 to 1856, when he +retired on a pension, he was Examiner of India Correspondence. +Peacock died in 1866, aged eighty-one. + +H. M. + +NOTE that in this tale Mac Quedy is Mac Q. E. D., son of a +demonstration; Mr. Skionar, the transcendentalist, is named from +Ski(as) onar, the dream of a shadow; and Mr. Philpot,--who loves +rivers, is Phil(o)pot(amos). + + + + +CROTCHET CASTLE + +by Thomas Love Peacock + + + + +CHAPTER I: THE VILLA + + + +Captain Jamy. I wad full fain hear some question 'tween you tway. +HENRY V. + + +In one of those beautiful valleys, through which the Thames (not +yet polluted by the tide, the scouring of cities, or even the minor +defilement of the sandy streams of Surrey) rolls a clear flood +through flowery meadows, under the shade of old beech woods, and +the smooth mossy greensward of the chalk hills (which pour into it +their tributary rivulets, as pure and pellucid as the fountain of +Bandusium, or the wells of Scamander, by which the wives and +daughters of the Trojans washed their splendid garments in the days +of peace, before the coming of the Greeks); in one of those +beautiful valleys, on a bold round-surfaced lawn, spotted with +juniper, that opened itself in the bosom of an old wood, which rose +with a steep, but not precipitous ascent, from the river to the +summit of the hill, stood the castellated villa of a retired +citizen. Ebenezer Mac Crotchet, Esquire, was the London-born +offspring of a worthy native of the "north countrie," who had +walked up to London on a commercial adventure, with all his surplus +capital, not very neatly tied up in a not very clean handkerchief, +suspended over his shoulder from the end of a hooked stick, +extracted from the first hedge on his pilgrimage; and who, after +having worked himself a step or two up the ladder of life, had won +the virgin heart of the only daughter of a highly respectable +merchant of Duke's Place, with whom he inherited the honest fruits +of a long series of ingenuous dealings. + +Mr. Mac Crotchet had derived from his mother the instinct, and from +his father the rational principle, of enriching himself at the +expense of the rest of mankind, by all the recognised modes of +accumulation on the windy side of the law. After passing many +years in the Alley, watching the turn of the market, and playing +many games almost as desperate as that of the soldier of Lucullus, +the fear of losing what he had so righteously gained predominated +over the sacred thirst of paper-money; his caution got the better +of his instinct, or rather transferred it from the department of +acquisition to that of conservation. His friend, Mr. Ramsbottom, +the zodiacal mythologist, told him that he had done well to +withdraw from the region of Uranus or Brahma, the Maker, to that of +Saturn or Veeshnu, the Preserver, before he fell under the eye of +Jupiter or Seva, the Destroyer, who might have struck him down at a +blow. + +It is said that a Scotchman, returning home after some years' +residence in England, being asked what he thought of the English, +answered: "They hanna ower muckle sense, but they are an unco braw +people to live amang;" which would be a very good story, if it were +not rendered apocryphal by the incredible circumstance of the +Scotchman going back. + +Mr. Mac Crotchet's experience had given him a just title to make, +in his own person, the last-quoted observation, but he would have +known better than to go back, even if himself, and not his father, +had been the first comer of his line from the north. He had +married an English Christian, and, having none of the Scotch +accent, was ungracious enough to be ashamed of his blood. He was +desirous to obliterate alike the Hebrew and Caledonian vestiges in +his name, and signed himself E. M. Crotchet, which by degrees +induced the majority of his neighbours to think that his name was +Edward Matthew. The more effectually to sink the Mac, he +christened his villa "Crotchet Castle," and determined to hand down +to posterity the honours of Crotchet of Crotchet. He found it +essential to his dignity to furnish himself with a coat of arms, +which, after the proper ceremonies (payment being the principal), +he obtained, videlicet: Crest, a crotchet rampant, in A sharp; +Arms, three empty bladders, turgescent, to show how opinions are +formed; three bags of gold, pendent, to show why they are +maintained; three naked swords, tranchant, to show how they are +administered; and three barbers' blocks, gaspant, to show how they +are swallowed. + +Mr. Crotchet was left a widower, with two children; and, after the +death of his wife, so strong was his sense of the blessed comfort +she had been to him, that he determined never to give any other +woman an opportunity of obliterating the happy recollection. + +He was not without a plausible pretence for styling his villa a +castle, for, in its immediate vicinity, and within his own enclosed +domain, were the manifest traces, on the brow of the hill, of a +Roman station, or castellum, which was still called the "Castle" by +the country people. The primitive mounds and trenches, merely +overgrown with greensward, with a few patches of juniper and box on +the vallum, and a solitary ancient beech surmounting the place of +the praetorium, presented nearly the same depths, heights, slopes, +and forms, which the Roman soldiers had originally given them. +From this cartel Mr. Crotchet christened his villa. With his +rustic neighbours he was, of course, immediately and necessarily a +squire: Squire Crotchet of the Castle; and he seemed to himself to +settle down as naturally into an English country gentleman, as if +his parentage had been as innocent of both Scotland and Jerusalem, +as his education was of Rome and Athens. + +But as, though you expel nature with a pitch-fork, she will yet +always come back; he could not become, like a true-born English +squire, part and parcel of the barley-giving earth; he could not +find in game-bagging, poacher-shooting, trespasser-pounding, +footpath-stopping, common-enclosing, rack-renting, and all the +other liberal pursuits and pastimes which make a country gentleman +an ornament to the world and a blessing to the poor: he could not +find in these valuable and amiable occupations, and in a +corresponding range of ideas, nearly commensurate with that of the +great King Nebuchadnezzar when he was turned out to grass; he could +not find in this great variety of useful action, and vast field of +comprehensive thought, modes of filling up his time that accorded +with his Caledonian instinct. The inborn love of disputation, +which the excitements and engagements of a life of business had +smothered, burst forth through the calmer surface of a rural life. +He grew as fain as Captain Jamy, "to hear some argument betwixt ony +tway," and being very hospitable in his establishment, and liberal +in his invitations, a numerous detachment from the advanced guard +of the "march of intellect," often marched down to Crotchet Castle. + +When the fashionable season filled London with exhibitors of all +descriptions, lecturers and else, Mr. Crotchet was in his glory; +for, in addition to the perennial literati of the metropolis, he +had the advantage of the visits of a number of hardy annuals, +chiefly from the north, who, as the interval of their metropolitan +flowering allowed, occasionally accompanied their London brethren +in excursions to Crotchet Castle. + +Amongst other things, he took very naturally to political economy, +read all the books on the subject which were put forth by his own +countrymen, attended all lectures thereon, and boxed the technology +of the sublime science as expertly as an able seaman boxes the +compass. + +With this agreeable mania he had the satisfaction of biting his +son, the hope of his name and race, who had borne off from Oxford +the highest academical honours; and who, treading in his father's +footsteps to honour and fortune, had, by means of a portion of the +old gentleman's surplus capital, made himself a junior partner in +the eminent loan-jobbing firm of Catchflat and Company. Here, in +the days of paper prosperity, he applied his science-illumined +genius to the blowing of bubbles, the bursting of which sent many a +poor devil to the gaol, the workhouse, or the bottom of the river, +but left young Crotchet rolling in riches. + +These riches he had been on the point of doubling, by a marriage +with the daughter of Mr. Touchandgo, the great banker, when, one +foggy morning, Mr. Touchandgo and the contents of his till were +suddenly reported absent; and as the fortune which the young +gentleman had intended to marry was not forthcoming, this tender +affair of the heart was nipped in the bud. + +Miss Touchandgo did not meet the shock of separation quite so +complacently as the young gentleman: for he lost only the lady, +whereas she lost a fortune as well as a lover. Some jewels, which +had glittered on her beautiful person as brilliantly as the bubble +of her father's wealth had done in the eyes of his gudgeons, +furnished her with a small portion of paper-currency; and this, +added to the contents of a fairy purse of gold, which she found in +her shoe on the eventful morning when Mr. Touchandgo melted into +thin air, enabled her to retreat into North Wales, where she took +up her lodging in a farm-house in Merionethshire, and boarded very +comfortably for a trifling payment, and the additional +consideration of teaching English, French, and music, to the little +Ap-Llymrys. In the course of this occupation she acquired +sufficient knowledge of Welsh to converse with the country people. + +She climbed the mountains, and descended the dingles, with a foot +which daily habit made by degrees almost as steady as a native's. +She became the nymph of the scene; and if she sometimes pined in +thought for her faithless Strephon, her melancholy was anything but +green and yellow: it was as genuine white and red as occupation, +mountain air, thyme-fed mutton, thick cream, and fat bacon could +make it: to say nothing of an occasional glass of double X, which +Ap-Llymry, who yielded to no man west of the Wrekin in brewage, +never failed to press upon her at dinner and supper. He was also +earnest, and sometimes successful, in the recommendation of his +mead, and most pertinacious on winter nights in enforcing a trial +of the virtues of his elder wine. The young lady's personal +appearance, consequently, formed a very advantageous contrast to +that of her quondam lover, whose physiognomy the intense anxieties +of his bubble-blowing days, notwithstanding their triumphant +result, had left blighted, sallowed, and crow's-footed, to a degree +not far below that of the fallen spirit who, in the expressive +language of German romance, is described as "scathed by the +ineradicable traces of the thunderbolts of Heaven;" so that, +contemplating their relative geological positions, the poor +deserted damsel was flourishing on slate, while her rich and false +young knight was pining on chalk. + +Squire Crotchet had also one daughter, whom he had christened +Lemma, and who, as likely to be endowed with a very ample fortune +was, of course, an object very tempting to many young soldiers of +fortune, who were marching with the march of mind, in a good +condition for taking castles, as far as not having a groat is a +qualification for such exploits. She was also a glittering bait to +divers young squires expectant (whose fathers were too well +acquainted with the occult signification of mortgage), and even to +one or two sprigs of nobility, who thought that the lining of a +civic purse would superinduce a very passable factitious nap upon a +thread-bare title. The young lady had received an expensive and +complicated education, complete in all the elements of superficial +display. She was thus eminently qualified to be the companion of +any masculine luminary who had kept due pace with the "astounding +progress" of intelligence. It must be confessed, that a man who +has not kept due pace with it, is not very easily found: this +march being one of that "astounding" character in which it seems +impossible that the rear can be behind the van. The young lady was +also tolerably good looking: north of Tweed, or in Palestine, she +would probable have been a beauty; but for the valleys of the +Thames she was perhaps a little too much to the taste of Solomon, +and had a nose which rather too prominently suggested the idea of +the tower of Lebanon, which looked towards Damascus. + +In a village in the vicinity of the Castle was the vicarage of the +Reverend Doctor Folliott, a gentleman endowed with a tolerable +stock of learning, an interminable swallow, and an indefatigable +pair of lungs. His pre-eminence in the latter faculty gave +occasion to some etymologists to ring changes on his name, and to +decide that it was derived from Follis Optimus, softened through an +Italian medium into Folle Ottimo, contracted poetically into +Folleotto, and elided Anglice into Folliott, signifying a first- +rate pair of bellows. He claimed to be descended lineally from the +illustrious Gilbert Folliott, the eminent theologian, who was a +Bishop of London in the twelfth century, whose studies were +interrupted in the dead of night by the Devil, when a couple of +epigrams passed between them, and the Devil, of course, proved the +smaller wit of the two. + +This reverend gentleman, being both learned and jolly, became by +degrees an indispensable ornament to the new squire's table. Mr. +Crotchet himself was eminently jolly, though by no means eminently +learned. In the latter respect he took after the great majority of +the sons of his father's land; had a smattering of many things, and +a knowledge of none; but possessed the true northern art of making +the most of his intellectual harlequin's jacket, by keeping the +best patches always bright and prominent. + + + +CHAPTER II: THE MARCH OF MIND + + + +Quoth Ralpho: nothing but the abuse +Of human learning you produce.--BUTLER + +"God bless my soul, sir!" exclaimed the Reverend Doctor Folliott, +bursting, one fine May morning, into the breakfast-room at Crotchet +Castle, "I am out of all patience with this march of mind. Here +has my house been nearly burned down by my cook taking it into her +head to study hydrostatics in a sixpenny tract, published by the +Steam Intellect Society, and written by a learned friend who is for +doing all the world's business as well as his own, and is equally +well qualified to handle every branch of human knowledge. I have a +great abomination of this learned friend; as author, lawyer, and +politician, he is triformis, like Hecate; and in every one of his +three forms he is bifrons, like Janus; the true Mr. Facing-both- +ways of Vanity Fair. My cook must read his rubbish in bed; and, as +might naturally be expected, she dropped suddenly fast asleep, +overturned the candle, and set the curtains in a blaze. Luckily, +the footman went into the room at the moment, in time to tear down +the curtains and throw them into the chimney, and a pitcher of +water on her nightcap extinguished her wick; she is a greasy +subject, and would have burned like a short mould." + +The reverend gentleman exhaled his grievance without looking to the +right or to the left; at length, turning on his pivot, he perceived +that the room was full of company, consisting of young Crotchet, +and some visitors whom he had brought from London. The Reverend +Doctor Folliott was introduced to Mr. Mac Quedy, the economist; Mr. +Skionar, the transcendental poet; Mr. Firedamp, the meteorologist; +and Lord Bossnowl, son of the Earl of Foolincourt, and member for +the borough of Rogueingrain. + +The divine took his seat at the breakfast-table, and began to +compose his spirits by the gentle sedative of a large cup of tea, +the demulcent of a well-buttered muffin, and the tonic of a small +lobster. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. You are a man of taste, Mr. Crotchet. A man of +taste is seen at once in the array of his breakfast-table. It is +the foot of Hercules, the far-shining face of the great work, +according to Pindar's doctrine: [Greek text]. The breakfast is +the [Greek text] of the great work of the day. Chocolate, coffee, +tea, cream, eggs, ham, tongue, cold fowl, all these are good, and +bespeak good knowledge in him who sets them forth: but the +touchstone is fish: anchovy is the first step, prawns and shrimps +the second; and I laud him who reaches even to these: potted char +and lampreys are the third, and a fine stretch of progression; but +lobster is, indeed, matter for a May morning, and demands a rare +combination of knowledge and virtue in him who sets it forth. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, and what say you to a fine fresh trout, +hot and dry, in a napkin? or a herring out of the water into the +frying-pan, on the shore of Loch Fyne? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, I say every nation has some eximious +virtue; and your country is pre-eminent in the glory of fish for +breakfast. We have much to learn from you in that line at any +rate. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. And in many others, sir, I believe. Morals and +metaphysics, politics and political economy, the way to make the +most of all the modifications of smoke; steam, gas, and paper +currency; you have all these to learn from us; in short, all the +arts and sciences. We are the modern Athenians. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I, for one, sir, am content to learn nothing +from you but the art and science of fish for breakfast. Be +content, sir, to rival the Boeotians, whose redeeming virtue was in +fish, touching which point you may consult Aristophanes and his +scholiast in the passage of Lysistrata, [Greek text], and leave the +name of Athenians to those who have a sense of the beautiful, and a +perception of metrical quantity. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Then, sir, I presume you set no value on the right +principles of rent, profit, wages, and currency? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. My principles, sir, in these things are, to +take as much as I can get, and pay no more than I can help. These +are every man's principles, whether they be the right principles or +no. There, sir, is political economy in a nutshell. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. The principles, sir, which regulate production and +consumption are independent of the will of any individual as to +giving or taking, and do not lie in a nutshell by any means. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, I will thank you for a leg of that capon. + +LORD BOSSNOWL. But, sir, by-the-bye, how came your footman to be +going into your cook's room? It was very providential to be sure, +but - + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, as good came of it, I shut my eyes, and +ask no questions. I suppose he was going to study hydrostatics, +and he found himself under the necessity of practising hydraulics. + +MR. FIREDAMP. Sir, you seem to make very light of science. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Yes, sir, such science as the learned friend +deals in: everything for everybody, science for all, schools for +all, rhetoric for all, law for all, physic for all, words for all, +and sense for none. I say, sir, law for lawyers, and cookery for +cooks: and I wish the learned friend, for all his life, a cook +that will pass her time in studying his works; then every dinner he +sits down to at home, he will sit on the stool of repentance. + +LORD BOSSNOWL. Now really that would be too severe: my cook +should read nothing but Ude. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir! let Ude and the learned friend singe +fowls together; let both avaunt from my kitchen. [Greek text]. +Ude says an elegant supper may be given with sandwiches. Horresco +referens. An elegant supper. Di meliora piis. No Ude for me. +Conviviality went out with punch and suppers. I cherish their +memory. I sup when I can, but not upon sandwiches. To offer me a +sandwich, when I am looking for a supper, is to add insult to +injury. Let the learned friend, and the modern Athenians, sup upon +sandwiches. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Nay, sir; the modern Athenians know better than +that. A literary supper in sweet Edinbro' would cure you of the +prejudice you seem to cherish against us. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, well; there is cogency in a good +supper; a good supper in these degenerate days bespeaks a good man; +but much more is wanted to make up an Athenian. Athenians, indeed! +where is your theatre? who among you has written a comedy? where is +your Attic salt? which of you can tell who was Jupiter's great- +grandfather? or what metres will successively remain, if you take +off the three first syllables, one by one, from a pure antispastic +acatalectic tetrameter? Now, sir, there are three questions for +you: theatrical, mythological, and metrical; to every one of which +an Athenian would give an answer that would lay me prostrate in my +own nothingness. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, as to your metre and your mythology, +they may e'en wait a wee. For your comedy there is the "Gentle +Shepherd" of the divine Allan Ramsay. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. The "Gentle Shepherd"! It is just as much a +comedy as the Book of Job. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, if none of us have written a comedy, I +cannot see that it is any such great matter, any more than I can +conjecture what business a man can have at this time of day with +Jupiter's great-grandfather. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. The great business is, sir, that you call +yourselves Athenians, while you know nothing that the Athenians +thought worth knowing, and dare not show your noses before the +civilised world in the practice of any one art in which they were +excellent. Modern Athens, sir! the assumption is a personal +affront to every man who has a Sophocles in his library. I will +thank you for an anchovy. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Metaphysics, sir; metaphysics. Logic and moral +philosophy. There we are at home. The Athenians only sought the +way, and we have found it; and to all this we have added political +economy, the science of sciences. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. A hyperbarbarous technology, that no Athenian +ear could have borne. Premises assumed without evidence, or in +spite of it; and conclusions drawn from them so logically, that +they must necessarily be erroneous. + +MR. SKIONAR. I cannot agree with you, Mr. Mac Quedy, that you have +found the true road of metaphysics, which the Athenians only +sought. The Germans have found it, sir: the sublime Kant and his +disciples. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I have read the sublime Kant, sir, with an anxious +desire to understand him, and I confess I have not succeeded. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. He wants the two great requisites of head and +tail. + +MR. SKIONAR. Transcendentalism is the philosophy of intuition, the +development of universal convictions; truths which are inherent in +the organisation of mind, which cannot be obliterated, though they +may be obscured, by superstitious prejudice on the one hand, and by +the Aristotelian logic on the other. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, I have no notion of logic obscuring a +question. + +MR. SKIONAR. There is only one true logic, which is the +transcendental; and this can prove only the one true philosophy, +which is also the transcendental. The logic of your Modern Athens +can prove everything equally; and that is, in my opinion, +tantamount to proving nothing at all. + +MR. CROTCHET. The sentimental against the rational, the intuitive +against the inductive, the ornamental against the useful, the +intense against the tranquil, the romantic against the classical; +these are great and interesting controversies, which I should like, +before I die, to see satisfactorily settled. + +MR. FIREDAMP. There is another great question, greater than all +these, seeing that it is necessary to be alive in order to settle +any question; and this is the question of water against human life. +Wherever there is water, there is malaria, and wherever there is +malaria, there are the elements of death. The great object of a +wise man should be to live on a gravelly hill, without so much as a +duck-pond within ten miles of him, eschewing cisterns and +waterbutts, and taking care that there be no gravel-pits for +lodging the rain. The sun sucks up infection from water, wherever +it exists on the face of the earth. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, you have for you the authority of +the ancient mystagogue, who said: [Greek text]. For my part I +care not a rush (or any other aquatic and inesculent vegetable) who +or what sucks up either the water or the infection. I think the +proximity of wine a matter of much more importance than the +longinquity of water. You are here within a quarter of a mile of +the Thames, but in the cellar of my friend, Mr. Crotchet, there is +the talismanic antidote of a thousand dozen of old wine; a +beautiful spectacle, I assure you, and a model of arrangement. + +MR. FIREDAMP. Sir, I feel the malignant influence of the river in +every part of my system. Nothing but my great friendship for Mr. +Crotchet would have brought me so nearly within the jaws of the +lion. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. After dinner, sir, after dinner, I will meet +you on this question. I shall then be armed for the strife. You +may fight like Hercules against Achelous, but I shall flourish the +Bacchic thyrsus, which changed rivers into wine: as Nonnus sweetly +sings, [Greek text]. + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. I hope, Mr. Firedamp, you will let your +friendship carry you a little closer into the jaws of the lion. I +am fitting up a flotilla of pleasure-boats, with spacious cabins, +and a good cellar, to carry a choice philosophical party up the +Thames and Severn, into the Ellesmere canal, where we shall be +among the mountains of North Wales; which we may climb or not, as +we think proper; but we will, at any rate, keep our floating hotel +well provisioned, and we will try to settle all the questions over +which a shadow of doubt yet hangs in the world of philosophy. + +MR. FIREDAMP. Out of my great friendship for you, I will certainly +go; but I do not expect to survive the experiment. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Alter erit tum Tiphys, et altera quae vehat +Argo Delectos Heroas. I will be of the party, though I must hire +an officiating curate, and deprive poor dear Mrs. Folliott, for +several weeks, of the pleasure of combing my wig. + +LORD BOSSNOWL. I hope, if I am to be of the party, our ship is not +to be the ship of fools: He! he! + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. If you are one of the party, sir, it most +assuredly will not: Ha! ha! + +LORD BOSSNOWL. Pray sir, what do you mean by Ha! ha!? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Precisely, sir, what you mean by He! he! + +MR. MAC QUEDY. You need not dispute about terms; they are two +modes of expressing merriment, with or without reason; reason being +in no way essential to mirth. No man should ask another why he +laughs, or at what, seeing that he does not always know, and that, +if he does, he is not a responsible agent. Laughter is an +involuntary action of certain muscles, developed in the human +species by the progress of civilisation. The savage never laughs. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir, he has nothing to laugh at. Give him +Modern Athens, the "learned friend," and the Steam Intellect +Society. They will develop his muscles. + + + +CHAPTER III: THE ROMAN CAMP + + + +He loved her more then seven yere, +Yet was he of her love never the nere; +He was not ryche of golde and fe, +A gentyll man forsoth was he. +The Squyr of Lowe Degre. + +The Reverend Doctor Folliott having promised to return to dinner, +walked back to his vicarage, meditating whether he should pass the +morning in writing his next sermon, or in angling for trout, and +had nearly decided in favour of the latter proposition, repeating +to himself, with great unction, the lines of Chaucer: + +And as for me, though that I can but lite, +On bokis for to read I me delite, +And to 'hem yeve I faithe and full credence, +And in mine herte have 'hem in reverence, +So hertily, that there is game none, +That fro my bokis makith me to gone, +But it be seldome, on the holie daie; +Save certainly whan that the month of Maie +Is cousin, and I here the foulis sing, +And that the flouris ginnin for to spring, +Farwell my boke and my devocion: + + +when his attention was attracted by a young gentleman who was +sitting on a camp stool with a portfolio on his knee, taking a +sketch of the Roman Camp, which, as has been already said, was +within the enclosed domain of Mr. Crotchet. The young stranger, +who had climbed over the fence, espying the portly divine, rose up, +and hoped that he was not trespassing. "By no means, sir," said +the divine, "all the arts and sciences are welcome here; music, +painting, and poetry; hydrostatics and political economy; +meteorology, transcendentalism, and fish for breakfast." + +THE STRANGER. A pleasant association, sir, and a liberal and +discriminating hospitality. This is an old British camp, I +believe, sir? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Roman, sir; Roman; undeniably Roman. The +vallum is past controversy. It was not a camp, sir, a castrum, but +a castellum, a little camp, or watch-station, to which was +attached, on the peak of the adjacent hill, a beacon for +transmitting alarms. You will find such here and there, all along +the range of chalk hills, which traverses the country from north- +east to south-west, and along the base of which runs the ancient +Iknield road, whereof you may descry a portion in that long +straight white line. + +THE STRANGER. I beg your pardon, sir; do I understand this place +to be your property? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. It is not mine, sir: the more is the pity; yet +is it so far well, that the owner is my good friend, and a highly +respectable gentleman. + +THE STRANGER. Good and respectable, sir, I take it, means rich? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. That is their meaning, sir. + +THE STRANGER. I understand the owner to be a Mr. Crotchet. He has +a handsome daughter, I am told. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. He has, sir. Her eyes are like the fish-pools +of Heshbon, by the gate of Bethrabbim; and she is to have a +handsome fortune, to which divers disinterested gentlemen are +paying their addresses. Perhaps you design to be one of them? + +THE STRANGER. No, sir; I beg pardon if my questions seem +impertinent; I have no such design. There is a son too, I believe, +sir, a great and successful blower of bubbles? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. A hero, sir, in his line. Never did angler in +September hook more gudgeons. + +THE STRANGER. To say the truth, two very amiable young people, +with whom I have some little acquaintance, Lord Bossnowl, and his +sister, Lady Clarinda, are reported to be on the point of +concluding a double marriage with Miss Crotchet and her brother; by +way of putting a new varnish on old nobility. Lord Foolincourt, +their father, is terribly poor for a lord who owns a borough. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, the Crotchets have plenty of money, +and the old gentleman's weak point is a hankering after high blood. +I saw your acquaintance, Lord Bossnowl, this morning, but I did not +see his sister. She may be there, nevertheless, and doing +fashionable justice to this fine May morning, by lying in bed till +noon. + +THE STRANGER. Young Mr. Crotchet, sir, has been, like his father, +the architect of his own fortune, has he not? An illustrious +example of the reward of honesty and industry? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. As to honesty, sir, he made his fortune in the +city of London, and if that commodity be of any value there, you +will find it in the price current. I believe it is below par, like +the shares of young Crotchet's fifty companies. But his progress +has not been exactly like his father's. It has been more rapid, +and he started with more advantages. He began with a fine capital +from his father. The old gentleman divided his fortune into three +not exactly equal portions; one for himself, one for his daughter, +and one for his son, which he handed over to him, saying, "Take it +once for all, and make the most of it; if you lose it where I won +it, not another stiver do you get from me during my life." But, +sir, young Crotchet doubled, and trebled, and quadrupled it, and +is, as you say, a striking example of the reward of industry; not +that I think his labour has been so great as his luck. + +THE STRANGER. But, sir, is all this solid? is there no danger of +reaction? no day of reckoning to cut down in an hour prosperity +that has grown up like a mushroom? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Nay, sir, I know not. I do not pry into these +matters. I am, for my own part, very well satisfied with the young +gentleman. Let those who are not so look to themselves. It is +quite enough for me that he came down last night from London, and +that he had the good sense to bring with him a basket of lobsters. +Sir, I wish you a good morning. + +The stranger having returned the reverend gentleman's good morning, +resumed his sketch, and was intently employed on it when Mr. +Crotchet made his appearance with Mr. Mac Quedy and Mr. Skionar, +whom he was escorting round his grounds, according to his custom +with new visitors; the principal pleasure of possessing an +extensive domain being that of showing it to other people. Mr. Mac +Quedy, according also to the laudable custom of his countrymen, had +been appraising everything that fell under his observation; but, on +arriving at the Roman camp, of which the value was purely +imaginary, he contented himself with exclaiming: "Eh! this is just +a curiosity, and very pleasant to sit in on a summer day." + +MR. SKIONAR. And call up the days of old, when the Roman eagle +spread its wings in the place of that beechen foliage. It gives a +fine idea of duration, to think that that fine old tree must have +sprung from the earth ages after this camp was formed. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. How old, think you, may the tree be? + +MR. CROTCHET. I have records which show it to be three hundred +years old. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. That is a great age for a beech in good condition. +But you see the camp is some fifteen hundred years, or so, older; +and three times six being eighteen, I think you get a clearer idea +of duration out of the simple arithmetic, than out of your eagle +and foliage. + +MR. SKIONAR. That is a very unpoetical, if not unphilosophical, +mode of viewing antiquities. Your philosophy is too literal for +our imperfect vision. We cannot look directly into the nature of +things; we can only catch glimpses of the mighty shadow in the +camera obscura of transcendental intelligence. These six and +eighteen are only words to which we give conventional meanings. We +can reason, but we cannot feel, by help of them. The tree and the +eagle, contemplated in the ideality of space and time, become +subjective realities, that rise up as landmarks in the mystery of +the past. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, if you understand that, I wish you joy. +But I must be excused for holding that my proposition, three times +six are eighteen, is more intelligible than yours. A worthy friend +of mine, who is a sort of amateur in philosophy, criticism, +politics, and a wee bit of many things more, says: "Men never +begin to study antiquities till they are saturated with +civilisation." + +MR. SKIONAR. What is civilisation? + +MR. MAC QUEDY. It is just respect for property. A state in which +no man takes wrongfully what belongs to another, is a perfectly +civilised state. + +MR. SKIONAR. Your friend's antiquaries must have lived in El +Dorado, to have had an opportunity of being saturated with such a +state. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. It is a question of degree. There is more respect +for property here than in Angola. + +MR. SKIONAR. That depends on the light in which things are viewed. + +Mr. Crotchet was rubbing his hands, in hopes of a fine discussion, +when they came round to the side of the camp where the picturesque +gentleman was sketching. The stranger was rising up, when Mr. +Crotchet begged him not to disturb himself, and presently walked +away with his two guests. + +Shortly after, Miss Crotchet and Lady Clarinda, who had breakfasted +by themselves, made their appearance at the same spot, hanging each +on an arm of Lord Bossnowl, who very much preferred their company +to that of the philosophers, though he would have preferred the +company of the latter, or any company to his own. He thought it +very singular that so agreeable a person as he held himself to be +to others, should be so exceedingly tiresome to himself: he did +not attempt to investigate the cause of this phenomenon, but was +contented with acting on his knowledge of the fact, and giving +himself as little of his own private society as possible. + +The stranger rose as they approached, and was immediately +recognised by the Bossnowls as an old acquaintance, and saluted +with the exclamation of "Captain Fitzchrome!" The interchange of +salutations between Lady Clarinda and the Captain was accompanied +with an amiable confusion on both sides, in which the observant +eyes of Miss Crotchet seemed to read the recollection of an affair +of the heart. + +Lord Bossnowl was either unconscious of any such affair, or +indifferent to its existence. He introduced the Captain very +cordially to Miss Crotchet; and the young lady invited him, as the +friend of their guests, to partake of her father's hospitality, an +offer which was readily accepted. + +The Captain took his portfolio under his right arm, his camp stool +in his right hand, offered his left arm to Lady Clarinda, and +followed at a reasonable distance behind Miss Crotchet and Lord +Bossnowl, contriving, in the most natural manner possible, to drop +more and more into the rear. + +LADY CLARINDA. I am glad to see you can make yourself so happy +with drawing old trees and mounds of grass. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Happy, Lady Clarinda! oh, no! How can I be +happy when I see the idol of my heart about to be sacrificed on the +shrine of Mammon? + +LADY CLARINDA. Do you know, though Mammon has a sort of ill name, +I really think he is a very popular character; there must be at the +bottom something amiable about him. He is certainly one of those +pleasant creatures whom everybody abuses, but without whom no +evening party is endurable. I dare say, love in a cottage is very +pleasant; but then it positively must be a cottage ornee: but +would not the same love be a great deal safer in a castle, even if +Mammon furnished the fortification? + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Oh, Lady Clarinda! there is a heartlessness in +that language that chills me to the soul. + +LADY CLARINDA. Heartlessness! No: my heart is on my lips. I +speak just what I think. You used to like it, and say it was as +delightful as it was rare. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. True, but you did not then talk as you do now, +of love in a castle. + +LADY CLARINDA. Well, but only consider: a dun is a horridly +vulgar creature; it is a creature I cannot endure the thought of: +and a cottage lets him in so easily. Now a castle keeps him at +bay. You are a half-pay officer, and are at leisure to command the +garrison: but where is the castle? and who is to furnish the +commissariat? + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Is it come to this, that you make a jest of my +poverty? Yet is my poverty only comparative. Many decent families +are maintained on smaller means. + +LADY CLARINDA. Decent families: ay, decent is the distinction +from respectable. Respectable means rich, and decent means poor. +I should die if I heard my family called decent. And then your +decent family always lives in a snug little place: I hate a little +place; I like large rooms and large looking-glasses, and large +parties, and a fine large butler, with a tinge of smooth red in his +face; an outward and visible sign that the family he serves is +respectable; if not noble, highly respectable. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I cannot believe that you say all this in +earnest. No man is less disposed than I am to deny the importance +of the substantial comforts of life. I once flattered myself that +in our estimate of these things we were nearly of a mind. + +LADY CLARINDA. Do you know, I think an opera-box a very +substantial comfort, and a carriage. You will tell me that many +decent people walk arm-in-arm through the snow, and sit in clogs +and bonnets in the pit at the English theatre. No doubt it is very +pleasant to those who are used to it; but it is not to my taste. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. You always delighted in trying to provoke me; +but I cannot believe that you have not a heart. + +LADY CLARINDA. You do not like to believe that I have a heart, you +mean. You wish to think I have lost it, and you know to whom; and +when I tell you that it is still safe in my own keeping, and that I +do not mean to give it away, the unreasonable creature grows angry. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Angry! far from it; I am perfectly cool. + +LADY CLARINDA. Why, you are pursing your brows, biting your lips, +and lifting up your foot as if you would stamp it into the earth. +I must say anger becomes you; you would make a charming Hotspur. +Your every-day-dining-out face is rather insipid: but I assure you +my heart is in danger when you are in the heroics. It is so rare, +too, in these days of smooth manners, to see anything like natural +expression in a man's face. There is one set form for every man's +face in female society: a sort of serious comedy walking +gentleman's face: but the moment the creature falls in love he +begins to give himself airs, and plays off all the varieties of his +physiognomy from the Master Slender to the Petruchio; and then he +is actually very amusing. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Well, Lady Clarinda, I will not be angry, +amusing as it may be to you: I listen more in sorrow than in +anger. I half believe you in earnest: and mourn as over a fallen +angel. + +LADY CLARINDA. What, because I have made up my mind not to give +away my heart when I can sell it? I will introduce you to my new +acquaintance, Mr. Mac Quedy: he will talk to you by the hour about +exchangeable value, and show you that no rational being will part +with anything, except to the highest bidder. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Now, I am sure you are not in earnest. You +cannot adopt such sentiments in their naked deformity. + +LADY CLARINDA. Naked deformity! Why, Mr. Mac Quedy will prove to +you that they are the cream of the most refined philosophy. You +live a very pleasant life as a bachelor, roving about the country +with your portfolio under your arm. I am not fit to be a poor +man's wife. I cannot take any kind of trouble, or do any one thing +that is of any use. Many decent families roast a bit of mutton on +a string; but if I displease my father I shall not have as much as +will buy the string, to say nothing of the meat; and the bare idea +of such cookery gives me the horrors. + + +By this time they were near the Castle, and met Miss Crotchet and +her companion, who had turned back to meet them. Captain +Fitzchrome was shortly after heartily welcomed by Mr. Crotchet, and +the party separated to dress for dinner, the Captain being by no +means in an enviable state of mind, and full of misgivings as to +the extent of belief that he was bound to accord to the words of +the lady of his heart. + + + +CHAPTER IV: THE PARTY + + + +En quoi cognoissez-vous la folie anticque? En quoi cognoissez-vous +la sagesse presente?--RABELAIS. + +"If I were sketching a bandit who had just shot his last pursuer, +having outrun all the rest, that is the very face I would give +him," soliloquised the Captain, as he studied the features of his +rival in the drawing-room, during the miserable half-hour before +dinner, when dulness reigns predominant over expectant company, +especially when they are waiting for some one last comer, whom they +all heartily curse in their hearts, and whom, nevertheless, or +indeed therefore-the-more, they welcome as a sinner, more heartily +than all the just persons who had been punctual to their +engagement. Some new visitors had arrived in the morning, and, as +the company dropped in one by one, the Captain anxiously watched +the unclosing door for the form of his beloved: but she was the +last to make her appearance, and on her entry gave him a malicious +glance, which he construed into a telegraphic communication that +she had stayed away to torment him. Young Crotchet escorted her +with marked attention to the upper end of the drawing-room, where a +great portion of the company was congregated around Miss Crotchet. +These being the only ladies in the company, it was evident that old +Mr. Crotchet would give his arm to Lady Clarinda, an arrangement +with which the Captain could not interfere. He therefore took his +station near the door, studying his rival from a distance, and +determined to take advantage of his present position, to secure the +seat next to his charmer. He was meditating on the best mode of +operation for securing this important post with due regard to bien- +seance, when he was twitched by the button by Mr. Mac Quedy, who +said to him: "Lady Clarinda tells me, sir, that you are anxious to +talk with me on the subject of exchangeable value, from which I +infer that you have studied political economy, and as a great deal +depends on the definition of value, I shall be glad to set you +right on that point." "I am much obliged to you, sir," said the +Captain, and was about to express his utter disqualification for +the proposed instruction, when Mr. Skionar walked up and said: +"Lady Clarinda informs me that you wish to talk over with me the +question of subjective reality. I am delighted to fall in with a +gentleman who daily appreciates the transcendental philosophy." +"Lady Clarinda is too good," said the Captain; and was about to +protest that he had never heard the word "transcendental" before, +when the butler announced dinner. Mr. Crotchet led the way with +Lady Clarinda: Lord Bossnowl followed with Miss Crotchet: the +economist and transcendentalist pinned in the Captain, and held +him, one by each arm, as he impatiently descended the stairs in the +rear of several others of the company, whom they had forced him to +let pass; but the moment he entered the dining-room he broke loose +from them, and at the expense of a little brusquerie, secured his +position. + +"Well, Captain," said Lady Clarinda, "I perceive you can still +manoeuvre." + +"What could possess you," said the Captain, "to send two +unendurable and inconceivable bores to intercept me with rubbish +about which I neither know nor care any more than the man in the +moon?" + +"Perhaps," said Lady Clarinda, "I saw your design, and wished to +put your generalship to the test. But do not contradict anything I +have said about you, and see if the learned will find you out." + +"There is fine music, as Rabelais observes, in the cliquetis +d'asssiettes, a refreshing shade in the ombre de salle a manger, +and an elegant fragrance in the fumee de roti," said a voice at the +Captain's elbow. The Captain turning round, recognised his +clerical friend of the morning, who knew him again immediately, and +said he was extremely glad to meet him there; more especially as +Lady Clarinda had assured him that he was an enthusiastic lover of +Greek poetry. + +"Lady Clarinda," said the Captain, "is a very pleasant young lady." + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. So she is, sir: and I understand she has all +the wit of the family to herself, whatever that totum may be. But +a glass of wine after soup is, as the French say, the verre de +sante. The current of opinion sets in favour of Hock: but I am +for Madeira; I do not fancy Hock till I have laid a substratum of +Madeira. Will you join me? + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. With pleasure. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Here is a very fine salmon before me: and May +is the very point nomme to have salmon in perfection. There is a +fine turbot close by, and there is much to be said in his behalf: +but salmon in May is the king of fish. + +MR. CROTCHET. That salmon before you, doctor, was caught in the +Thames, this morning. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. [Greek text]. Rarity of rarities! A Thames +salmon caught this morning. Now, Mr. Mac Quedy, even in fish your +Modern Athens must yield. Cedite Graii. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Eh! sir, on its own around, your Thames salmon has +two virtues over all others; first, that it is fresh; and, second, +that it is rare; for I understand you do not take half a dozen in a +year. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. In some years, sir, not one. Mud, filth, gas- +dregs, lock-weirs, and the march of mind, developed in the form of +poaching, have ruined the fishery. But, when we do catch a salmon, +happy the man to whom he falls. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I confess, sir, this is excellent: but I cannot +see why it should be better than a Tweed salmon at Kelso. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, I will take a glass of Hock with you. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. With all my heart, sir. There are several +varieties of the salmon genus: but the common salmon, the salmo +salar, is only one species, one and the same everywhere, just like +the human mind. Locality and education make all the difference. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Education! Well, sir, I have no doubt schools +for all are just as fit for the species salmo salar as for the +genus homo. But you must allow that the specimen before us has +finished his education in a manner that does honour to his college. +However, I doubt that the salmo salar is only one species, that is +to say, precisely alike in all localities. I hold that every river +has its own breed, with essential differences; in flavour +especially. And as for the human mind, I deny that it is the same +in all men. I hold that there is every variety of natural capacity +from the idiot to Newton and Shakespeare; the mass of mankind, +midway between these extremes, being blockheads of different +degrees; education leaving them pretty nearly as it found them, +with this single difference, that it gives a fixed direction to +their stupidity, a sort of incurable wry neck to the thing they +call their understanding. So one nose points always east, and +another always west, and each is ready to swear that it points due +north. + +MR. CROTCHET. If that be the point of truth, very few intellectual +noses point due north. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Only those that point to the Modern Athens. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Where all native noses point southward. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Eh, sir, northward for wisdom, and southward for +profit. + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. Champagne, doctor? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Most willingly. But you will permit my +drinking it while it sparkles. I hold it a heresy to let it deaden +in my hand, while the glass of my compotator is being filled on the +opposite side of the table. By-the-bye, Captain, you remember a +passage in Athenaeus, where he cites Menander on the subject of +fish-sauce: [Greek text]. (The Captain was aghast for an answer +that would satisfy both his neighbours, when he was relieved by the +divine continuing.) The science of fish-sauce, Mr. Mac Quedy, is +by no means brought to perfection; a fine field of discovery still +lies open in that line. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Nay, sir, beyond lobster-sauce, I take it, ye +cannot go. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. In their line, I grant you, oyster and lobster- +sauce are the pillars of Hercules. But I speak of the cruet +sauces, where the quintessence of the sapid is condensed in a +phial. I can taste in my mind's palate a combination, which, if I +could give it reality, I would christen with the name of my +college, and hand it down to posterity as a seat of learning +indeed. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, I wish you success, but I cannot let +slip the question we started just now. I say, cutting off idiots, +who have no minds at all, all minds are by nature alike. Education +(which begins from their birth) makes them what they are. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir, it makes their tendencies, not their +power. Caesar would have been the first wrestler on the village +common. Education might have made him a Nadir Shah; it might also +have made him a Washington; it could not have made him a merry- +andrew, for our newspapers to extol as a model of eloquence. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Now, sir, I think education would have made him +just anything, and fit for any station, from the throne to the +stocks; saint or sinner, aristocrat or democrat, judge, counsel, or +prisoner at the bar. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I will thank you for a slice of lamb, with +lemon and pepper. Before I proceed with this discussion,--Vin de +Grave, Mr. Skionar,--I must interpose one remark. There is a set +of persons in your city, Mr. Mac Quedy, who concoct, every three or +four months, a thing, which they call a review: a sort of sugar- +plum manufacturers to the Whig aristocracy. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I cannot tell, sir, exactly, what you mean by that; +but I hope you will speak of those gentlemen with respect, seeing +that I am one of them. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, I must drown my inadvertence in a glass of +Sauterne with you. There is a set of gentlemen in your city - + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Not in our city, exactly; neither are they a set. +There is an editor, who forages for articles in all quarters, from +John o' Groat's house to the Land's End. It is not a board, or a +society: it is a mere intellectual bazaar, where A, B, and C, +bring their wares to market. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, these gentlemen among them, the +present company excepted, have practised as much dishonesty as, in +any other department than literature, would have brought the +practitioner under the cognisance of the police. In politics, they +have ran with the hare and hunted with the hound. In criticism, +they have, knowingly and unblushingly, given false characters, both +for good and for evil; sticking at no art of misrepresentation, to +clear out of the field of literature all who stood in the way of +the interests of their own clique. They have never allowed their +own profound ignorance of anything (Greek for instance) to throw +even an air of hesitation into their oracular decision on the +matter. They set an example of profligate contempt for truth, of +which the success was in proportion to the effrontery; and when +their prosperity had filled the market with competitors, they cried +out against their own reflected sin, as if they had never committed +it, or were entitled to a monopoly of it. The latter, I rather +think, was what they wanted. + +MR. CROTCHET. Hermitage, doctor? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Nothing better, sir. The father who first +chose the solitude of that vineyard, knew well how to cultivate his +spirit in retirement. Now, Mr. Mac Quedy, Achilles was +distinguished above all the Greeks for his inflexible love of +truth; could education have made Achilles one of your reviewers? + +MR. MAC QUEDY. No doubt of it, even if your character of them were +true to the letter. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. And I say, sir--chicken and asparagus--Titan +had made him of better clay. I hold with Pindar, "All that is most +excellent is so by nature." [Greek text]. Education can give +purposes, but not powers; and whatever purposes had been given him, +he would have gone straight forward to them; straight forward, Mr. +Mac Quedy. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. No, sir, education makes the man, powers, purposes, +and all. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. There is the point, sir, on which we join +issue. + +Several others of the company now chimed in with their opinions, +which gave the divine an opportunity to degustate one or two side +dishes, and to take a glass of wine with each of the young ladies. + + + +CHAPTER V: CHARACTERS + + + +Ay impute a honte plus que mediocre etre vu spectateur ocieux de +tant vaillans, disertz, et chevalereux personnaiges. +RABELAIS. + +LADY CLARINDA (to the Captain). I declare the creature has been +listening to all this rigmarole, instead of attending to me. Do +you ever expect forgiveness? But now that they are all talking +together, and you cannot make out a word they say, nor they hear a +word that we say, I will describe the company to you. First, there +is the old gentleman on my left hand, at the head of the table, who +is now leaning the other way to talk to my brother. He is a good- +tempered, half-informed person, very unreasonably fond of +reasoning, and of reasoning people; people that talk nonsense +logically: he is fond of disputation himself, when there are only +one or two, but seldom does more than listen in a large company of +illumines. He made a great fortune in the city, and has the +comfort of a good conscience. He is very hospitable, and is +generous in dinners; though nothing would induce him to give +sixpence to the poor, because he holds that all misfortune is from +imprudence, that none but the rich ought to marry, and that all +ought to thrive by honest industry, as he did. He is ambitious of +founding a family, and of allying himself with nobility; and is +thus as willing as other grown children to throw away thousands for +a gew-gaw, though he would not part with a penny for charity. Next +to him is my brother, whom you know as well as I do. He has +finished his education with credit, and as he never ventures to +oppose me in anything, I have no doubt he is very sensible. He has +good manners, is a model of dress, and is reckoned ornamental in +all societies. Next to him is Miss Crotchet, my sister-in-law that +is to be. You see she is rather pretty, and very genteel. She is +tolerably accomplished, has her table always covered with new +novels, thinks Mr. Mac Quedy an oracle, and is extremely desirous +to be called "my lady." Next to her is Mr. Firedamp, a very absurd +person, who thinks that water is the evil principle. Next to him +is Mr. Eavesdrop, a man who, by dint of a certain something like +smartness, has got into good society. He is a sort of bookseller's +tool, and coins all his acquaintance in reminiscences and sketches +of character. I am very shy of him, for fear he should print me. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. If he print you in your own likeness, which is +that of an angel, you need not fear him. If he print you in any +other, I will cut his throat. But proceed - + +LADY CLARINDA. Next to him is Mr. Henbane, the toxicologist, I +think he calls himself. He has passed half his life in studying +poisons and antidotes. The first thing he did on his arrival here +was to kill the cat; and while Miss Crotchet was crying over her, +he brought her to life again. I am more shy of him than the other. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. They are two very dangerous fellows, and I +shall take care to keep them both at a respectful distance. Let us +hope that Eavesdrop will sketch off Henbane, and that Henbane will +poison him for his trouble. + +LADY CLARINDA. Well, next to him sits Mr. Mac Quedy, the Modern +Athenian, who lays down the law about everything, and therefore may +be taken to understand everything. He turns all the affairs of +this world into questions of buying and selling. He is the Spirit +of the Frozen Ocean to everything like romance and sentiment. He +condenses their volume of steam into a drop of cold water in a +moment. He has satisfied me that I am a commodity in the market, +and that I ought to set myself at a high price. So you see, he who +would have me must bid for me. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I shall discuss that point with Mr. Mac Quedy. + +LADY CLARINDA. Not a word for your life. Our flirtation is our +own secret. Let it remain so. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Flirtation, Clarinda! Is that all that the +most ardent - + +LADY CLARINDA. Now, don't be rhapsodical here. Next to Mr. Mac +Quedy is Mr. Skionar, a sort of poetical philosopher, a curious +compound of the intense and the mystical. He abominates all the +ideas of Mr. Mac Quedy, and settles everything by sentiment and +intuition. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Then, I say, he is the wiser man. + +LADY CLARINDA. They are two oddities, but a little of them is +amusing, and I like to hear them dispute. So you see I am in +training for a philosopher myself. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Any philosophy, for Heaven's sake, but the +pound-shilling-and-pence philosophy of Mr. Mac Quedy. + +LADY CLARINDA. Why, they say that even Mr. Skionar, though he is a +great dreamer, always dreams with his eyes open, or with one eye at +any rate, which is an eye to his gain: but I believe that in this +respect the poor man has got an ill name by keeping bad company. +He has two dear friends, Mr. Wilful Wontsee, and Mr. Rumblesack +Shantsee, poets of some note, who used to see visions of Utopia, +and pure republics beyond the Western deep: but, finding that +these El Dorados brought them no revenue, they turned their vision- +seeing faculty into the more profitable channel of espying all +sorts of virtues in the high and the mighty, who were able and +willing to pay for the discovery. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I do not fancy these virtue-spyers. + +LADY CLARINDA. Next to Mr. Skionar sits Mr. Chainmail, a good- +looking young gentleman, as you see, with very antiquated tastes. +He is fond of old poetry, and is something of a poet himself. He +is deep in monkish literature, and holds that the best state of +society was that of the twelfth century, when nothing was going +forward but fighting, feasting, and praying, which he says are the +three great purposes for which man was made. He laments bitterly +over the inventions of gunpowder, steam, and gas, which he says +have ruined the world. He lives within two or three miles, and has +a large hall, adorned with rusty pikes, shields, helmets, swords, +and tattered banners, and furnished with yew-tree chairs, and two +long old worm-eaten oak tables, where he dines with all his +household, after the fashion of his favourite age. He wants us all +to dine with him, and I believe we shall go. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. That will be something new, at any rate. + +LADY CLARINDA. Next to him is Mr. Toogood, the co-operationist, +who will have neither fighting nor praying; but wants to parcel out +the world into squares like a chess-board, with a community on +each, raising everything for one another, with a great steam-engine +to serve them in common for tailor and hosier, kitchen and cook. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. He is the strangest of the set, so far. + +LADY CLARINDA. This brings us to the bottom of the table, where +sits my humble servant, Mr. Crotchet the younger. I ought not to +describe him. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I entreat you do. + +LADY CLARINDA. Well, I really have very little to say in his +favour. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I do not wish to hear anything in his favour; +and I rejoice to hear you say so, because - + +LADY CLARINDA. Do not flatter yourself. If I take him, it will be +to please my father, and to have a town and country house, and +plenty of servants and a carriage and an opera-box, and make some +of my acquaintance who have married for love, or for rank, or for +anything but money, die for envy of my jewels. You do not think I +would take him for himself. Why, he is very smooth and spruce as +far as his dress goes; but as to his face, he looks as if he had +tumbled headlong into a volcano, and been thrown up again among the +cinders. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I cannot believe, that, speaking thus of him, +you mean to take him at all. + +LADY CLARINDA. Oh! I am out of my teens. I have been very much in +love; but now I am come to years of discretion, and must think, +like other people, of settling myself advantageously. He was in +love with a banker's daughter, and cast her off at her father's +bankruptcy, and the poor girl has gone to hide herself in some wild +place. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. She must have a strange taste, if she pines +for the loss of him. + +LADY CLARINDA. They say he was good-looking, till his bubble +schemes, as they call them, stamped him with the physiognomy of a +desperate gambler. I suspect he has still a penchant towards his +first flame. If he takes me, it will be for my rank and +connection, and the second seat of the borough of Rogueingrain. So +we shall meet on equal terms, and shall enjoy all the blessedness +of expecting nothing from each other. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. You can expect no security with such an +adventurer. + +LADY CLARINDA. I shall have the security of a good settlement, and +then if andare al diavolo be his destiny, he may go, you know, by +himself. He is almost always dreaming and distrait. It is very +likely that some great reverse is in store for him: but that will +not concern me, you perceive. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. You torture me, Clarinda, with the bare +possibility. + +LADY CLARINDA. Hush! Here is music to soothe your troubled +spirit. Next to him, on this side, sits the dilettante composer, +Mr. Trillo; they say his name was O'Trill, and he has taken the O +from the beginning, and put it at the end. I do not know how this +may be. He plays well on the violoncello, and better on the piano; +sings agreeably; has a talent at versemaking, and improvises a song +with some felicity. He is very agreeable company in the evening, +with his instruments and music-books. He maintains that the sole +end of all enlightened society is to get up a good opera, and +laments that wealth, genius, and energy are squandered upon other +pursuits, to the neglect of this one great matter. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. That is a very pleasant fancy at any rate. + +LADY CLARINDA. I assure you he has a great deal to say for it. +Well, next to him, again, is Dr. Morbific, who has been all over +the world to prove that there is no such thing as contagion; and +has inoculated himself with plague, yellow fever, and every variety +of pestilence, and is still alive to tell the story. I am very shy +of him, too; for I look on him as a walking phial of wrath, corked +full of all infections, and not to be touched without extreme +hazard. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. This is the strangest fellow of all. + +LADY CLARINDA. Next to him sits Mr. Philpot, the geographer, who +thinks of nothing but the heads and tails of rivers, and lays down +the streams of Terra Incognita as accurately as if he had been +there. He is a person of pleasant fancy, and makes a sort of fairy +land of every country he touches, from the Frozen Ocean to the +Deserts of Sahara. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. How does he settle matters with Mr. Firedamp? + +LADY CLARINDA. You see Mr. Firedamp has got as far as possible out +of his way. Next to him is Sir Simon Steeltrap, of Steeltrap +Lodge, Member for Crouching-Curtown, Justice of Peace for the +county, and Lord of the United Manors of Spring-gun-and-Treadmill; +a great preserver of game and public morals. By administering the +laws which he assists in making, he disposes, at his pleasure, of +the land and its live stock, including all the two-legged +varieties, with and without feathers, in a circumference of several +miles round Steeltrap Lodge. He has enclosed commons and +woodlands; abolished cottage gardens; taken the village cricket- +ground into his own park, out of pure regard to the sanctity of +Sunday; shut up footpaths and alehouses (all but those which belong +to his electioneering friend, Mr. Quassia, the brewer); put down +fairs and fiddlers; committed many poachers; shot a few; convicted +one-third of the peasantry; suspected the rest; and passed nearly +the whole of them through a wholesome course of prison discipline, +which has finished their education at the expense of the county. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. He is somewhat out of his element here: among +such a diversity of opinions he will hear some he will not like. + +LADY CLARINDA. It was rather ill-judged in Mr. Crotchet to invite +him to-day. But the art of assorting company is above these +parvenus. They invite a certain number of persons without +considering how they harmonise with each other. Between Sir Simon +and you is the Reverend Doctor Folliott. He is said to be an +excellent scholar, and is fonder of books than the majority of his +cloth; he is very fond, also, of the good things of this world. He +is of an admirable temper, and says rude things in a pleasant half- +earnest manner, that nobody can take offence with. And next to him +again is one Captain Fitzchrome, who is very much in love with a +certain person that does not mean to have anything to say to him, +because she can better her fortune by taking somebody else. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. And next to him again is the beautiful, the +accomplished, the witty, the fascinating, the tormenting, Lady +Clarinda, who traduces herself to the said Captain by assertions +which it would drive him crazy to believe. + +LADY CLARINDA. Time will show, sir. And now we have gone the +round of the table. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. But I must say, though I know you had always a +turn for sketching characters, you surprise me by your observation, +and especially by your attention to opinions. + +LADY CLARINDA. Well, I will tell you a secret: I am writing a +novel. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. A novel! + +LADY CLARINDA. Yes, a novel. And I shall get a little finery by +it: trinkets and fal-lals, which I cannot get from papa. You must +know I have been reading several fashionable novels, the +fashionable this, and the fashionable that; and I thought to +myself, why I can do better than any of these myself. So I wrote a +chapter or two, and sent them as a specimen to Mr. Puffall, the +book-seller, telling him they were to be a part of the fashionable +something or other, and he offered me, I will not say how much, to +finish it in three volumes, and let him pay all the newspapers for +recommending it as the work of a lady of quality, who had made very +free with the characters of her acquaintance. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Surely you have not done so? + +LADY CLARINDA. Oh, no! I leave that to Mr. Eavesdrop. But Mr. +Puffall made it a condition that I should let him say so. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. A strange recommendation. + +LADY CLARINDA. Oh, nothing else will do. And it seems you may +give yourself any character you like, and the newspapers will print +it as if it came from themselves. I have commended you to three of +our friends here as an economist, a transcendentalist, and a +classical scholar; and if you wish to be renowned through the world +for these, or any other accomplishments, the newspapers will +confirm you in their possession for half-a-guinea a piece. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Truly, the praise of such gentry must be a +feather in any one's cap. + +LADY CLARINDA. So you will see, some morning, that my novel is +"the most popular production of the day." This is Mr. Puffall's +favourite phrase. He makes the newspapers say it of everything he +publishes. But "the day," you know, is a very convenient phrase; +it allows of three hundred and sixty-five "most popular +productions" in a year. And in leap-year one more. + + + +CHAPTER VI: THEORIES + + + +But when they came to shape the model, +Not one could fit the other's noddle.--BUTLER. + +Meanwhile, the last course, and the dessert, passed by. When the +ladies had withdrawn, young Crotchet addressed the company. + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. There is one point in which philosophers of all +classes seem to be agreed: that they only want money to regenerate +the world. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. No doubt of it. Nothing is so easy as to lay down +the outlines of perfect society. There wants nothing but money to +set it going. I will explain myself clearly and fully by reading a +paper. (Producing a large scroll.) "In the infancy of society--" + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Pray, Mr. Mac Quedy, how is it that all +gentlemen of your nation begin everything they write with the +"infancy of society?" + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Eh, sir, it is the simplest way to begin at the +beginning. "In the infancy of society, when government was +invented to save a percentage; say two and a half per cent.--" + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I will not say any such thing. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, say any percentage you please. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I will not say any percentage at all. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. "On the principle of the division of labour--" + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Government was invented to spend a percentage. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. To save a percentage. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir, to spend a percentage; and a good deal +more than two and a half percent. Two hundred and fifty per cent.: +that is intelligible. + +MR. MAC QUEDY.--"In the infancy of society--" + +MR. TOOGOOD.--Never mind the infancy of society. The question is +of society in its maturity. Here is what it should be. (Producing +a paper.) I have laid it down in a diagram. + +MR. SKIONAR. Before we proceed to the question of government, we +must nicely discriminate the boundaries of sense, understanding, +and reason. Sense is a receptivity - + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. We are proceeding too fast. Money being all +that is wanted to regenerate society, I will put into the hands of +this company a large sum for the purpose. Now let us see how to +dispose of it. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. We will begin by taking a committee-room in London, +where we will dine together once a week, to deliberate. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. If the money is to go in deliberative dinners, +you may set me down for a committee man and honorary caterer. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Next, you must all learn political economy, which I +will teach you, very compendiously, in lectures over the bottle. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I hate lectures over the bottle. But pray, +sir, what is political economy? + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Political economy is to the state what domestic +economy is to the family. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No such thing, sir. In the family there is a +paterfamilias, who regulates the distribution, and takes care that +there shall be no such thing in the household as one dying of +hunger, while another dies of surfeit. In the state it is all +hunger at one end, and all surfeit at the other. Matchless claret, +Mr. Crotchet. + +MR. CROTCHET. Vintage of fifteen, Doctor. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. The family consumes, and so does the state. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Consumes, air! Yes: but the mode, the +proportions: there is the essential difference between the state +and the family. Sir, I hate false analogies. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, the analogy is not essential. +Distribution will come under its proper head. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Come where it will, the distribution of the +state is in no respect analogous to the distribution of the family. +The paterfamilias, sir: the paterfamilias. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, let that pass. The family consumes, and +in order to consume, it must have supply. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, Adam and Eve knew that, when they +delved and span. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Very true, sir (reproducing his scroll). "In the +infancy of society--" + +MR. TOOGOOD. The reverend gentleman has hit the nail on the head. +It is the distribution that must be looked to; it is the +paterfamilias that is wanting in the State. Now here I have +provided him. (Reproducing his diagram.) + +MR. TRILLO. Apply the money, sir, to building and endowing an +opera house, where the ancient altar of Bacchus may flourish, and +justice may be done to sublime compositions. (Producing a part of +a manuscript opera.) + +MR. SKIONAR. No, sir, build sacella for transcendental oracles to +teach the world how to see through a glass darkly. (Producing a +scroll.) + +MR. TRILLO. See through an opera-glass brightly. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. See through a wine-glass full of claret; then +you see both darkly and brightly. But, gentlemen, if you are all +in the humour for reading papers, I will read you the first half of +my next Sunday's sermon. (Producing a paper.) + +OMNES. No sermon! No sermon! + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Then I move that our respective papers be +committed to our respective pockets. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Political economy is divided into two great +branches, production and consumption. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Yes, sir; there are two great classes of men: +those who produce much and consume little; and those who consume +much and produce nothing. The fruges consumere nati have the best +of it. Eh, Captain! You remember the characteristics of a great +man according to Aristophanes: [Greek text]. Ha! ha! ha! Well, +Captain, even in these tight-laced days, the obscurity of a learned +language allows a little pleasantry. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Very true, sir; the pleasantry and the +obscurity go together; they are all one, as it were--to me at any +rate (aside). + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Now, sir - + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Pray, sir, let your science alone, or you will +put me under the painful necessity of demolishing it bit by bit, as +I have done your exordium. I will undertake it any morning; but it +is too hard exercise after dinner. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Well, sir, in the meantime I hold my science +established. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. And I hold it demolished. + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. Pray, gentlemen, pocket your manuscripts, fill +your glasses, and consider what we shall do with our money. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Build lecture-rooms, and schools for all. + +MR. TRILLO. Revive the Athenian theatre; regenerate the lyrical +drama. + +MR. TOOGOOD. Build a grand co-operative parallelogram, with a +steam-engine in the middle for a maid of all work. + +MR. FIREDAMP. Drain the country, and get rid of malaria, by +abolishing duck-ponds. + +DR. MORBIFIC. Found a philanthropic college of anticontagionists, +where all the members shall be inoculated with the virus of all +known diseases. Try the experiment on a grand scale. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Build a great dining-hall; endow it with beef and +ale, and hang the hall round with arms to defend the provisions. + +MR. HENBANE. Found a toxicological institution for trying all +poisons and antidotes. I myself have killed a frog twelve times, +and brought him to life eleven; but the twelfth time he died. I +have a phial of the drug, which killed him, in my pocket, and shall +not rest till I have discovered its antidote. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I move that the last speaker be dispossessed of +his phial, and that it be forthwith thrown into the Thames. + +MR. HENBANE. How, sir? my invaluable, and, in the present state of +human knowledge, infallible poison? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Let the frogs have all the advantage of it. + +MR. CROTCHET. Consider, Doctor, the fish might participate. Think +of the salmon. + +REV DR. FOLLIOTT. Then let the owner's right-hand neighbour +swallow it. + +MR. EAVESDROP. Me, sir! What have I done, sir, that I am to be +poisoned, sir? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, you have published a character of your +facetious friend, the Reverend Doctor F., wherein you have sketched +off me; me, sir, even to my nose and wig. What business have the +public with my nose and wig? + +MR. EAVESDROP. Sir, it is all good-humoured; all in bonhomie: all +friendly and complimentary. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, the bottle, la Dive Bouteille, is a +recondite oracle, which makes an Eleusinian temple of the circle in +which it moves. He who reveals its mysteries must die. Therefore, +let the dose be administered. Fiat experimentum in anima vili. + +MR. EAVESDROP. Sir, you are very facetious at my expense. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, you have been very unfacetious, very +inficete at mine. You have dished me up, like a savoury omelette, +to gratify the appetite of the reading rabble for gossip. The next +time, sir, I will respond with the argumentum baculinum. Print +that, sir: put it on record as a promise of the Reverend Doctor +F., which shall be most faithfully kept, with an exemplary bamboo. + +MR. EAVESDROP. Your cloth protects you, sir. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. My bamboo shall protect me, sir. + +MR. CROTCHET. Doctor, Doctor, you are growing too polemical. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, my blood boils. What business have the +public with my nose and wig? + +MR. CROTCHET. Doctor! Doctor! + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. Pray, gentlemen, return to the point. How +shall we employ our fund? + +MR. PHILPOT. Surely in no way so beneficially as in exploring +rivers. Send a fleet of steamboats down the Niger, and another up +the Nile. So shall you civilise Africa, and establish stocking +factories in Abyssinia and Bambo. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. With all submission, breeches and petticoats +must precede stockings. Send out a crew of tailors. Try if the +King of Bambo will invest in inexpressibles. + +MR. CROTCHET, JUN. Gentlemen, it is not for partial, but for +general benefit, that this fund is proposed: a grand and +universally applicable scheme for the amelioration of the condition +of man. + +SEVERAL VOICES. That is my scheme. I have not heard a scheme but +my own that has a grain of common sense. + +MR. TRILLO. Gentlemen, you inspire me. Your last exclamation runs +itself into a chorus, and sets itself to music. Allow me to lead, +and to hope for your voices in harmony. + + +After careful meditation, +And profound deliberation, +On the various pretty projects which have just been shown, +Not a scheme in agitation, +For the world's amelioration, +Has a grain of common sense in it, except my own. + + +SEVERAL VOICES. We are not disposed to join in any such chorus. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, of all these schemes, I am for Mr. +Trillo's. Regenerate the Athenian theatre. My classical friend +here, the Captain, will vote with, me. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I, sir? oh! of course, sir. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Surely, Captain, I rely on you to uphold political +economy. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Me, sir! oh, to be sure, sir. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Pray, sir, will political economy uphold the +Athenian theatre? + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Surely not. It would be a very unproductive +investment. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Then the Captain votes against you. What, sir, +did not the Athenians, the wisest of nations, appropriate to their +theatre their most sacred and intangible fund? Did not they give +to melopoeia, choregraphy, and the sundry forms of didascalics, the +precedence of all other matters, civil and military? Was it not +their law, that even the proposal to divert this fund to any other +purpose should be punished with death? But, sir, I further propose +that the Athenian theatre being resuscitated, the admission shall +be free to all who can expound the Greek choruses, constructively, +mythologically, and metrically, and to none others. So shall all +the world learn Greek: Greek, the Alpha and Omega of all +knowledge. At him who sits not in the theatre shall be pointed the +finger of scorn: he shall be called in the highway of the city, "a +fellow without Greek." + +MR. TRILLO. But the ladies, sir, the ladies. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Every man may take in a lady: and she who can +construe and metricise a chorus, shall, if she so please, pass in +by herself. + +MR. TRILLO. But, sir, you will shut me out of my own theatre. Let +there at least be a double passport, Greek and Italian. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir; I am inexorable. No Greek, no +theatre. + +MR. TRILLO. Sir, I cannot consent to be shut out from my own +theatre. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. You see how it is, Squire Crotchet the younger; +you can scarcely find two to agree on a scheme, and no two of those +can agree on the details. Keep your money in your pocket. And so +ends the fund for regenerating the world. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Nay, by no means. We are all agreed on +deliberative dinners. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Very true; we will dine and discuss. We will +sing with Robin Hood, "If I drink water while this doth last;" and +while it lasts we will have no adjournment, if not to the Athenian +theatre. + +MR. TRILLO. Well, gentlemen, I hope this chorus at least will +please you:- + + +If I drink water while this doth last, +May I never again drink wine: +For how can a man, in his life of a span, +Do anything better than dine? +Well dine and drink, and say if we think +That anything better can be, +And when we have dined, wish all mankind +May dine as well as we. +And though a good wish will fill no dish +And brim no cup with sack, +Yet thoughts will spring as the glasses ring, +To illume our studious track. +On the brilliant dreams of our hopeful schemes +The light of the flask shall shine; +And we'll sit till day, but we'll find the way +To drench the world with wine. + + +The schemes for the world's regeneration evaporated in a tumult of +voices. + + + +CHAPTER VII: THE SLEEPING VENUS + + + +Quoth he: In all my life till now, +I ne'er saw so profane a show.--BUTLER. + +The library of Crotchet Castle was a large and well-furnished +apartment, opening on one side into an ante-room, on the other into +a music-room. It had several tables stationed at convenient +distances; one consecrated to the novelties of literature, another +to the novelties of embellishment; others unoccupied, and at the +disposal of the company. The walls were covered with a copious +collection of ancient and modern books; the ancient having been +selected and arranged by the Reverend Doctor Folliott. In the +ante-room were card-tables; in the music-room were various +instruments, all popular operas, and all fashionable music. In +this suite of apartments, and not in the drawing-room, were the +evenings of Crotchet Castle usually passed. + +The young ladies were in the music-room; Miss Crotchet at the +piano, Lady Clarinda at the harp, playing and occasionally singing, +at the suggestion of Mr. Trillo, portions of Matilde di Shabran. +Lord Bossnowl was turning over the leaves for Miss Crotchet; the +Captain was performing the same office for Lady Clarinda, but with +so much more attention to the lady than the book, that he often +made sad work with the harmony, by turnover two leaves together. +On these occasions Miss Crotchet paused, Lady Clarinda laughed, Mr. +Trillo scolded, Lord Bossnowl yawned, the Captain apologised, and +the performance proceeded. + +In the library Mr. Mac Quedy was expounding political economy to +the Reverend Doctor Folliott, who was pro more demolishing its +doctrines seriatim. + +Mr. Chainmail was in hot dispute with Mr. Skionar, touching the +physical and moral well-being of man. Mr. Skionar was enforcing +his friend Mr. Shantsee's views of moral discipline; maintaining +that the sole thing needful for man in this world was loyal and +pious education; the giving men good books to read, and enough of +the hornbook to read them; with a judicious interspersion of the +lessons of Old Restraint, which was his poetic name for the parish +stocks. Mr. Chainmail, on the other hand, stood up for the +exclusive necessity of beef and ale, lodging and raiment, wife and +children, courage to fight for them all, and armour wherewith to do +so. + +Mr. Henbane had got his face scratched, and his finger bitten, by +the cat, in trying to catch her for a second experiment in killing +and bringing to life; and Doctor Morbific was comforting him with a +disquisition to prove that there were only four animals having the +power to communicate hydrophobia, of which the cat was one; and +that it was not necessary that the animal should be in a rabid +state, the nature of the wound being everything, and the idea of +contagion a delusion. Mr. Henbane was listening very lugubriously +to this dissertation. + +Mr. Philpot had seized on Mr. Firedamp, and pinned him down to a +map of Africa, on which he was tracing imaginary courses of mighty +inland rivers, terminating in lakes and marshes, where they were +finally evaporated by the heat of the sun; and Mr. Firedamp's hair +was standing on end at the bare imagination of the mass of malaria +that must be engendered by the operation. Mr. Toogood had begun +explaining his diagrams to Sir Simon Steeltrap; but Sir Simon grew +testy, and told Mr. Toogood that the promulgators of such doctrines +ought to be consigned to the treadmill. The philanthropist walked +off from the country gentleman, and proceeded to hold forth to +young Crotchet, who stood silent, as one who listens, but in +reality without hearing a syllable. Mr. Crotchet, senior, as the +master of the house, was left to entertain himself with his own +meditations, till the Reverend Doctor Folliott tore himself from +Mr. Mac Quedy, and proceeded to expostulate with Mr. Crotchet on a +delicate topic. + +There was an Italian painter, who obtained the name of Il +Bragatore, by the superinduction of inexpressibles on the naked +Apollos and Bacchuses of his betters. The fame of this worthy +remained one and indivisible, till a set of heads, which had been, +by a too common mistake of Nature's journeymen, stuck upon +magisterial shoulders, as the Corinthian capitals of "fair round +bellies with fat capon lined," but which Nature herself had +intended for the noddles of porcelain mandarins, promulgated +simultaneously from the east and the west of London, an order that +no plaster-of-Paris Venus should appear in the streets without +petticoats. Mr. Crotchet, on reading this order in the evening +paper, which, by the postman's early arrival, was always laid on +his breakfast-table, determined to fill his house with Venuses of +all sizes and kinds. In pursuance of this resolution, came +packages by water-carriage, containing an infinite variety of +Venuses. There were the Medicean Venus, and the Bathing Venus; the +Uranian Venus, and the Pandemian Venus; the Crouching Venus, and +the Sleeping Venus; the Venus rising from the sea, the Venus with +the apple of Paris, and the Venus with the armour of Mars. + +The Reverend Doctor Folliott had been very much astonished at this +unexpected display. Disposed, as he was, to hold, that whatever +had been in Greece, was right; he was more than doubtful of the +propriety of throwing open the classical adytum to the illiterate +profane. Whether, in his interior mind, he was at all influenced, +either by the consideration that it would be for the credit of his +cloth, with some of his vice-suppressing neighbours, to be able to +say that he had expostulated; or by curiosity, to try what sort of +defence his city-bred friend, who knew the classics only by +translations, and whose reason was always a little ahead of his +knowledge, would make for his somewhat ostentatious display of +liberality in matters of taste; is a question on which the learned +may differ: but, after having duly deliberated on two full-sized +casts of the Uranian and Pandemian Venus, in niches on each side of +the chimney, and on three alabaster figures, in glass cases, on the +mantelpiece, he proceeded, peirastically, to open his fire. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. These little alabaster figures on the +mantelpiece, Mr. Crotchet, and those large figures in the niches-- +may I take the liberty to ask you what they are intended to +represent? + +MR. CROTCHET. Venus, sir; nothing more, sir; just Venus. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. May I ask you, sir, why they are there? + +MR. CROTCHET. To be looked at, sir; just to be looked at: the +reasons for most things in a gentleman's house being in it at all; +from the paper on the walls, and the drapery of the curtains, even +to the books in the library, of which the most essential part is +the appearance of the back. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Very true, sir. As great philosophers hold +that the esse of things is percipi, so a gentleman's furniture +exists to be looked at. Nevertheless, sir, there are some things +more fit to be looked at than others; for instance, there is +nothing more fit to be looked at than the outside of a book. It +is, as I may say, from repeated experience, a pure and unmixed +pleasure to have a goodly volume lying before you, and to know that +you may open it if you please, and need not open it unless you +please. It is a resource against ennui, if ennui should come upon +you. To have the resource and not to feel the ennui, to enjoy your +bottle in the present, and your book in the indefinite future, is a +delightful condition of human existence. There is no place, in +which a man can move or sit, in which the outside of a book can be +otherwise than an innocent and becoming spectacle. Touching this +matter, there cannot, I think, be two opinions. But with respect +to your Venuses there can be, and indeed there are, two very +distinct opinions. Now, Sir, that little figure in the centre of +the mantelpiece--as a grave paterfamilias, Mr. Crotchet, with a +fair nubile daughter, whose eyes are like the fish-pools of +Heshbon--I would ask you if you hold that figure to be altogether +delicate? + +MR. CROTCHET. The sleeping Venus, sir? Nothing can be more +delicate than the entire contour of the figure, the flow of the +hair on the shoulders and neck, the form of the feet and fingers. +It is altogether a most delicate morsel. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Why, in that sense, perhaps, it is as delicate +as whitebait in July. But the attitude, sir, the attitude. + +MR. CROTCHET. Nothing can be more natural, sir. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. That is the very thing, sir. It is too +natural: too natural, sir: it lies for all the world like--I make +no doubt, the pious cheesemonger, who recently broke its plaster +facsimile over the head of the itinerant vendor, was struck by a +certain similitude to the position of his own sleeping beauty, and +felt his noble wrath thereby justly aroused. + +MR. CROTCHET. Very likely, sir. In my opinion, the cheesemonger +was a fool, and the justice who sided with him was a greater. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Fool, sir, is a harsh term: call not thy +brother a fool. + +MR. CROTCHET. Sir, neither the cheesemonger nor the justice is a +brother of mine. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, we are all brethren. + +MR. CROTCHET. Yes, sir, as the hangman is of the thief; the squire +of the poacher; the judge of the libeller; the lawyer of his +client; the statesman of his colleague; the bubble-blower of the +bubble-buyer; the slave-driver of the negro; as these are brethren, +so am I and the worthies in question + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. To be sure, sir, in these instances, and in +many others, the term brother must be taken in its utmost latitude +of interpretation: we are all brothers, nevertheless. But to +return to the point. Now these two large figures, one with drapery +on the lower half of the body, and the other with no drapery at +all; upon my word, sir, it matters not what godfathers and +godmothers may have promised and vowed for the children of this +world, touching the devil and other things to be renounced, if such +figures as those are to be put before their eyes. + +MR. CROTCHET. Sir, the naked figure is the Pandemian Venus, and +the half-draped figure is the Uranian Venus; and I say, sir, that +figure realises the finest imaginings of Plato, and is the +personification of the most refined and exalted feeling of which +the human mind is susceptible; the love of pure, ideal, +intellectual beauty. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I am aware, sir, that Plato, in his Symposium, +discourseth very eloquently touching the Uranian and Pandemian +Venus: but you must remember that, in our universities, Plato is +held to be little better than a misleader of youth; and they have +shown their contempt for him, not only by never reading him (a mode +of contempt in which they deal very largely), but even by never +printing a complete edition of him; although they have printed many +ancient books, which nobody suspects to have been ever read on the +spot, except by a person attached to the press, who is, therefore, +emphatically called "the reader." + +MR. CROTCHET. Well, sir? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Why, sir, to "the reader" aforesaid (supposing +either of our universities to have printed an edition of Plato), or +to any one else who can be supposed to have read Plato, or, indeed, +to be ever likely to do so, I would very willingly show these +figures; because to such they would, I grant you, be the outward +and visible signs of poetical and philosophical ideas: but, to the +multitude, the gross, carnal multitude, they are but two beautiful +women, one half undressed, and the other quite so. + +MR. CROTCHET. Then, sir, let the multitude look upon them and +learn modesty. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I must say that, if I wished my footman to +learn modesty, I should not dream of sending him to school to a +naked Venus. + +MR. CROTCHET. Sir, ancient sculpture is the true school of +modesty. But where the Greeks had modesty, we have cant; where +they had poetry, we have cant; where they had patriotism, we have +cant; where they had anything that exalts, delights, or adorns +humanity, we have nothing but cant, cant, cant. And, sir, to show +my contempt for cant in all its shapes, I have adorned my house +with the Greek Venus, in all her shapes, and am ready to fight her +battle against all the societies that ever were instituted for the +suppression of truth and beauty. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. My dear sir, I am afraid you are growing warm. +Pray be cool. Nothing contributes so much to good digestion as to +be perfectly cool after dinner. + +MR. CROTCHET. Sir, the Lacedaemonian virgins wrestled naked with +young men; and they grew up, as the wise Lycurgus had foreseen, +into the most modest of women, and the most exemplary of wives and +mothers. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Very likely, sir; but the Athenian virgins did +no such thing, and they grew up into wives who stayed at home-- +stayed at home, sir; and looked after their husbands' dinner--his +dinner, sir, you will please to observe. + +MR. CROTCHET. And what was the consequence of that, sir? that they +were such very insipid persons that the husband would not go home +to eat his dinner, but preferred the company of some Aspasia, or +Lais. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Two very different persons, sir, give me leave +to remark. + +MR. CROTCHET. Very likely, sir; but both too good to be married in +Athens. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, Lais was a Corinthian. + +MR. CROTCHET. Od's vengeance, sir, some Aspasia and any other +Athenian name of the same sort of person you like - + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I do not like the sort of person at all: the +sort of person I like, as I have already implied, is a modest +woman, who stays at home and looks after her husband's dinner. + +MR. CROTCHET. Well, sir, that was not the taste of the Athenians. +They preferred the society of women who would not have made any +scruple about sitting as models to Praxiteles; as you know, sir, +very modest women in Italy did to Canova; one of whom, an Italian +countess, being asked by an English lady, "how she could bear it?" +answered, "Very well; there was a good fire in the room." + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, the English lady should have asked how the +Italian lady's husband could bear it. The phials of my wrath would +overflow if poor dear Mrs. Folliott -: sir, in return for your +story, I will tell you a story of my ancestor, Gilbert Folliott. +The devil haunted him, as he did Saint Francis, in the likeness of +a beautiful damsel; but all he could get from the exemplary Gilbert +was an admonition to wear a stomacher and longer petticoats. + +MR. CROTCHET. Sir, your story makes for my side of the question. +It proves that the devil, in the likeness of a fair damsel, with +short petticoats and no stomacher, was almost too much for Gilbert +Folliott. The force of the spell was in the drapery. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Bless my soul, sir! + +MR. CROTCHET. Give me leave, sir. Diderot - + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Who was he, sir? + +MR. CROTCHET. Who was he, sir? the sublime philosopher, the father +of the Encyclopaedia, of all the encyclopaedias that have ever been +printed. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Bless me, sir, a terrible progeny: they belong +to the tribe of Incubi. + +MR. CROTCHET. The great philosopher, Diderot - + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, Diderot is not a man after my heart. Keep +to the Greeks, if you please; albeit this Sleeping Venus is not an +antique. + +MR. CROTCHET. Well, sir, the Greeks: why do we call the Elgin +marbles inestimable? Simply because they are true to nature. And +why are they so superior in that point to all modern works, with +all our greater knowledge of anatomy? Why, sir, but because the +Greeks, having no cant, had better opportunities of studying +models? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, I deny our greater knowledge of anatomy. +But I shall take the liberty to employ, on this occasion, the +argumentum ad hominem. Would you have allowed Miss Crotchet to sit +for a model to Canova? + +MR. CROTCHET. Yes, sir. + +"God bless my soul, sir!" exclaimed the Reverend Doctor Folliott, +throwing himself back into a chair, and flinging up his heels, with +the premeditated design of giving emphasis to his exclamation; but +by miscalculating his impetus, he overbalanced his chair, and laid +himself on the carpet in a right angle, of which his back was the +base. + + + +CHAPTER VIII: SCIENCE AND CHARITY + + + +Chi sta nel mondo un par d'ore contento, +Ne gli vien tolta, ovver contaminata, +Quella sua pace in veruno momento, +Puo dir che Giove drittamente il guata. +FORTEGUERRI. + +The Reverend Doctor Folliott took his departure about ten o'clock, +to walk home to his vicarage. There was no moon, but the night was +bright and clear, and afforded him as much light as he needed. He +paused a moment by the Roman camp to listen to the nightingale; +repeated to himself a passage of Sophocles; proceeded through the +park gate, and entered the narrow lane that led to the village. He +walked on in a very pleasant mood of the state called reverie; in +which fish and wine, Greek and political economy, the Sleeping +Venus he had left behind, and poor dear Mrs. Folliott, to whose +fond arms he was returning, passed, as in a camera obscura, over +the tablets of his imagination. Presently the image of Mr. +Eavesdrop, with a printed sketch of the Reverend Doctor F., +presented itself before him, and he began mechanically to flourish +his bamboo. The movement was prompted by his good genius, for the +uplifted bamboo received the blow of a ponderous cudgel, which was +intended for his head. The reverend gentleman recoiled two or +three paces, and saw before him a couple of ruffians, who were +preparing to renew the attack, but whom, with two swings of his +bamboo, he laid with cracked sconces on the earth, where he +proceeded to deal with them like corn beneath the flail of the +thresher. One of them drew a pistol, which went off in the very +act of being struck aside by the bamboo, and lodged a bullet in the +brain of the other. There was then only one enemy, who vainly +struggled to rise, every effort being attended with a new and more +signal prostration. The fellow roared for mercy. "Mercy, rascal!" +cried the divine; "what mercy were you going to show me, villain? +What! I warrant me, you thought it would be an easy matter, and no +sin, to rob and murder a parson on his way home from dinner. You +said to yourself, doubtless, "We'll waylay the fat parson (you +irreverent knave), as he waddles home (you disparaging ruffian), +half-seas-over, (you calumnious vagabond)." And with every +dyslogistic term, which he supposed had been applied to himself, he +inflicted a new bruise on his rolling and roaring antagonist. "Ah, +rogue!" he proceeded, "you can roar now, marauder; you were silent +enough when you devoted my brains to dispersion under your cudgel. +But seeing that I cannot bind you, and that I intend you not to +escape, and that it would be dangerous to let you rise, I will +disable you in all your members. I will contund you as Thestylis +did strong smelling herbs, in the quality whereof you do most +gravely partake, as my nose beareth testimony, ill weed that you +are. I will beat you to a jelly, and I will then roll you into the +ditch, to lie till the constable comes for you, thief." + +"Hold! hold! reverend sir," exclaimed the penitent culprit, "I am +disabled already in every finger, and in every joint. I will roll +myself into the ditch, reverend sir." + +"Stir not, rascal," returned the divine, "stir not so much as the +quietest leaf above you, or my bamboo rebounds on your body, like +hail in a thunder-storm. Confess, speedily, villain; are you a +simple thief, or would you have manufactured me into a subject for +the benefit of science? Ay, miscreant caitiff, you would have made +me a subject for science, would you? You are a school-master +abroad, are you? You are marching with a detachment of the march +of mind, are you? You are a member of the Steam Intellect Society, +are you? You swear by the learned friend, do you?" + +"Oh, no! reverend sir," answered the criminal, "I am innocent of +all these offences, whatever they are, reverend sir. The only +friend I had in the world is lying dead beside me, reverend sir." + +The reverend gentleman paused a moment, and leaned on his bamboo. +The culprit, bruised as he was, sprang on his legs, and went off in +double quick time. The Doctor gave him chase, and had nearly +brought him within arm's length, when the fellow turned at right +angles, and sprang clean over a deep dry ditch. The divine, +following with equal ardour, and less dexterity, went down over +head and ears into a thicket of nettles. Emerging with much +discomposure, he proceeded to the village, and roused the +constable; but the constable found, on reaching the scene of +action, that the dead man was gone, as well as his living +accomplice. + +"Oh, the monster!" exclaimed the Reverend Doctor Folliott, "he has +made a subject for science of the only friend he had in the world." +"Ay, my dear," he resumed, the next morning at breakfast, "if my +old reading, and my early gymnastics (for, as the great Hermann +says, before I was demulced by the Muses, I was ferocis ingenii +puer, et ad arma quam ad literas paratior), had not imbued me +indelibly with some of the holy rage of Frere Jean des Entommeures, +I should be, at this moment, lying on the table of some flinty- +hearted anatomist, who would have sliced and disjointed me as +unscrupulously as I do these remnants of the capon and chine, +wherewith you consoled yourself yesterday for my absence at dinner. +Phew! I have a noble thirst upon me, which I will quench with +floods of tea." + +The reverend gentleman was interrupted by a messenger, who informed +him that the Charity Commissioners requested his presence at the +inn, where they were holding a sitting. + +"The Charity Commissioners!" exclaimed the reverend gentleman, "who +on earth are they?" + +The messenger could not inform him, and the reverend gentleman took +his hat and stick, and proceeded to the inn. + +On entering the best parlour, he saw three well-dressed and bulky +gentlemen sitting at a table, and a fourth officiating as clerk, +with an open book before him, and a pen in his hand. The church- +wardens, who had been also summoned, were already in attendance. + +The chief commissioner politely requested the Reverend Doctor +Folliott to be seated, and after the usual meteorological +preliminaries had been settled by a resolution, nem. con., that it +was a fine day but very hot, the chief commissioner stated, that in +virtue of the commission of Parliament, which they had the honour +to hold, they were now to inquire into the state of the public +charities of this village. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. The state of the public charities, sir, is +exceedingly simple. There are none. The charities here are all +private, and so private, that I for one know nothing of them. + +FIRST COMMISSIONER. We have been informed, sir, that there is an +annual rent charged on the land of Hautbois, for the endowment and +repair of an almshouse. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Hautbois! Hautbois! + +FIRST COMMISSIONER. The manorial farm of Hautbois, now occupied by +Farmer Seedling, is charged with the endowment and maintenance of +an almshouse. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT (to the Churchwarden). How is this, Mr. +Bluenose? + +FIRST CHURCHWARDEN. I really do not know, sir. What say you, Mr. +Appletwig? + +MR. APPLETWIG (parish clerk and schoolmaster; an old man). I do +remember, gentlemen, to have been informed, that there did stand, +at the end of the village, a ruined cottage, which had once been an +almshouse, which was endowed and maintained, by an annual revenue +of a mark and a half, or one pound sterling, charged some centuries +ago on the farm of Hautbois; but the means, by the progress of +time, having become inadequate to the end, the almshouse tumbled to +pieces. + +FIRST COMMISSIONER. But this is a right which cannot be abrogated +by desuetude, and the sum of one pound per annum is still +chargeable for charitable purposes on the manorial farm of +Hautbois. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Very well, sir. + +MR. APPLETWIG. But, sir, the one pound per annum is still received +by the parish, but was long ago, by an unanimous vote in open +vestry, given to the minister. + +THE THREE COMMISSIONERS (una voce). The minister! + +FIRST COMMISSIONER. This is an unjustifiable proceeding. + +SECOND COMMISSIONER. A misappropriation of a public fund. + +THIRD COMMISSIONER. A flagrant perversion of a charitable +donation. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. God bless my soul, gentlemen! I know nothing +of this matter. How is this, Mr. Bluenose? Do I receive this one +pound per annum? + +FIRST CHURCHWARDEN. Really, sir, I know no more about it than you +do. + +MR. APPLETWIG. You certainly receive it, sir. It was voted to one +of your predecessors. Farmer Seedling lumps it in with his tithes. + +FIRST COMMISSIONER. Lumps it in, sir! Lump in a charitable +donation! + +SECOND AND THIRD COMMISSIONER. Oh-oh-oh-h-h! + +FIRST COMMISSIONER. Reverend sir, and gentlemen, officers of this +parish, we are under the necessity of admonishing you that this is +a most improper proceeding: and you are hereby duly admonished +accordingly. Make a record, Mr. Milky. + +MR. MILKY (writing). The clergyman and church-wardens of the +village of Hm-ra-m-m- gravely admonished. Hm-m-m-m. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Is that all, gentlemen? + +THE COMMISSIONERS. That is all, sir; and we wish you a good +morning. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. A very good morning to you, gentlemen. + +"What in the name of all that is wonderful, Mr. Bluenose," said the +Reverend Doctor Folliott, as he walked out of the inn, "what in the +name of all that is wonderful, can those fellows mean? They have +come here in a chaise and four, to make a fuss about a pound per +annum, which, after all, they leave as it was: I wonder who pays +them for their trouble, and how much." + +MR. APPLETWIG. The public pay for it, sir. It is a job of the +learned friend whom you admire so much. It makes away with public +money in salaries, and private money in lawsuits, and does no +particle of good to any living soul. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Ay, ay, Mr. Appletwig; that is just the sort of +public service to be looked for from the learned friend. Oh, the +learned friend! the learned friend! He is the evil genius of +everything that falls in his way. + +The Reverend Doctor walked off to Crotchet Castle, to narrate his +misadventures, and exhale his budget of grievances on Mr. Mac +Quedy, whom he considered a ringleader of the march of mind. + + + +CHAPTER IX: THE VOYAGE + + + +[Greek text] +Mounting the bark, they cleft the watery ways.--Homer. + +Four beautiful cabined pinnaces, one for the ladies, one for the +gentlemen, one for kitchen and servants, one for a dining-room and +band of music, weighed anchor, on a fine July morning, from below +Crotchet Castle, and were towed merrily, by strong trotting horses, +against the stream of the Thames. They passed from the district of +chalk, successively into the districts of clay, of sand-rock, of +oolite, and so forth. Sometimes they dined in their floating +dining-room, sometimes in tents, which they pitched on the dry, +smooth-shaven green of a newly-mown meadow: sometimes they left +their vessels to see sights in the vicinity; sometimes they passed +a day or two in a comfortable inn. + +At Oxford, they walked about to see the curiosities of +architecture, painted windows, and undisturbed libraries. The +Reverend Doctor Folliott laid a wager with Mr. Crotchet "that in +all their perlustrations they would not find a man reading," and +won it. "Ay," said the reverend gentleman, "this is still a seat +of learning, on the principle of--once a captain, always a captain. +We may well ask, in these great reservoirs of books whereof no man +ever draws a sluice, Quorsum pertinuit stipere Platona Menandro? +What is done here for the classics? Reprinting German editions on +better paper. A great boast, verily! What for mathematics? What +for metaphysics? What for history? What for anything worth +knowing? This was a seat of learning in the days of Friar Bacon. +But the Friar is gone, and his learning with him. Nothing of him +is left but the immortal nose, which, when his brazen head had +tumbled to pieces, crying "Time's Past," was the only palpable +fragment among its minutely pulverised atoms, and which is still +resplendent over the portals of its cognominal college. That nose, +sir, is the only thing to which I shall take off my hat, in all +this Babylon of buried literature. + +MR. CROTCHET. But, doctor, it is something to have a great +reservoir of learning, at which some may draw if they please. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. But, here, good care is taken that nobody shall +please. If even a small drop from the sacred fountain, [Greek +text], as Callimachus has it, were carried off by any one, it would +be evidence of something to hope for. But the system of dissuasion +from all good learning is brought here to a pitch of perfection +that baffles the keenest aspirant. I run over to myself the names +of the scholars of Germany, a glorious catalogue: but ask for +those of Oxford,--Where are they? The echoes of their courts, as +vacant as their heads, will answer, Where are they? The tree shall +be known by its fruit: and seeing that this great tree, with all +its specious seeming, brings forth no fruit, I do denounce it as a +barren fig. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I shall set you right on this point. We do nothing +without motives. If learning get nothing but honour, and very +little of that; and if the good things of this world, which ought +to be the rewards of learning, become the mere gifts of self- +interested patronage; you must not wonder if, in the finishing of +education, the science which takes precedence of all others, should +be the science of currying favour. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Very true, sir. Education is well finished, +for all worldly purposes, when the head is brought into the state +whereinto I am accustomed to bring a marrow-bone, when it has been +set before me on a toast, with a white napkin wrapped round it. +Nothing trundles along the high road of preferment so trimly as a +well-biassed sconce, picked clean within and polished without; +totus teres atque rotundus. The perfection of the finishing lies +in the bias, which keeps it trundling in the given direction. +There is good and sufficient reason for the fig being barren, but +it is not therefore the less a barren fig. + +At Godstow, they gathered hazel on the grave of Rosamond; and, +proceeding on their voyage, fell into a discussion on legendary +histories. + +LADY CLARINDA. History is but a tiresome thing in itself: it +becomes more agreeable the more romance is mixed up with it. The +great enchanter has made me learn many things which I should never +have dreamed of studying, if they had not come to me in the form of +amusement. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. What enchanter is that? There are two +enchanters: he of the north, and he of the south. + +MR. TRILLO. Rossini! + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Ay, there is another enchanter. But I mean the +great enchanter of Covent Garden: he who, for more than a quarter +of a century, has produced two pantomimes a year, to the delight of +children of all ages; including myself at all ages. That is the +enchanter for me. I am for the pantomimes. All the northern +enchanter's romances put together would not furnish materials for +half the Southern enchanter's pantomimes. + +LADY CLARINDA. Surely you do not class literature with pantomime? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. In these cases, I do. They are both one, with +a slight difference. The one is the literature of pantomime, the +other is the pantomime of literature. There is the same variety of +character, the same diversity of story, the same copiousness of +incident, the same research into costume, the same display of +heraldry, falconry, minstrelsy, scenery, monkery, witchery, +devilry, robbery, poachery, piracy, fishery, gipsy-astrology, +demonology, architecture, fortification, castrametation, +navigation; the same running base of love and battle. The main +difference is, that the one set of amusing fictions is told in +music and action; the other in all the worst dialects of the +English language. As to any sentence worth remembering, any moral +or political truth, anything having a tendency, however remote, to +make men wiser or better, to make them think, to make them ever +think of thinking; they are both precisely alike nuspiam, +nequaquam, nullibi, nullimodis. + +LADY CLARINDA. Very amusing, however. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Very amusing, very amusing. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. My quarrel with the northern enchanter is, that he +has grossly misrepresented the twelfth century. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. He has misrepresented everything, or he would +not have been very amusing. Sober truth is but dull matter to the +reading rabble. The angler, who puts not on his hook the bait that +best pleases the fish, may sit all day on the bank without catching +a gudgeon. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. But how do you mean that he has misrepresented the +twelfth century? By exhibiting some of its knights and ladies in +the colours of refinement and virtue, seeing that they were all no +better than ruffians, and something else that shall be nameless? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. By no means. By depicting them as much worse than +they were, not, as you suppose, much better. No one would infer +from his pictures that theirs was a much better state of society +than this which we live in. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. No, nor was it. It was a period of brutality, +ignorance, fanaticism, and tyranny; when the land was covered with +castles, and every castle contained a gang of banditti, headed by a +titled robber, who levied contributions with fire and sword; +plundering, torturing, ravishing, burying his captives in loathsome +dungeons, and broiling them on gridirons, to force from them the +surrender of every particle of treasure which he suspected them of +possessing; and fighting every now and then with the neighbouring +lords, his conterminal bandits, for the right of marauding on the +boundaries. This was the twelfth century, as depicted by all +contemporary historians and poets. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. No, sir. Weigh the evidence of specific facts; you +will find more good than evil. Who was England's greatest hero-- +the mirror of chivalry, the pattern of honour, the fountain of +generosity, the model to all succeeding ages of military glory? +Richard the First. There is a king of the twelfth century. What +was the first step of liberty? Magna Charta. That was the best +thing ever done by lords. There are lords of the twelfth century. +You must remember, too, that these lords were petty princes, and +made war on each other as legitimately as the heads of larger +communities did or do. For their system of revenue, it was, to be +sure, more rough and summary than that which has succeeded it, but +it was certainly less searching and less productive. And as to the +people, I content myself with these great points: that every man +was armed, every man was a good archer, every man could and would +fight effectively, with sword or pike, or even with oaken cudgel; +no man would live quietly without beef and ale if he had them not; +he fought till he either got them, or was put out of condition to +want them. They were not, and could not be, subjected to that +powerful pressure of all the other classes of society, combined by +gunpowder, steam, and fiscality, which has brought them to that +dismal degradation in which we see them now. And there are the +people of the twelfth century. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. As to your king, the enchanter has done him ample +justice, even in your own view. As to your lords and their ladies, +he has drawn them too favourably, given them too many of the false +colours of chivalry, thrown too attractive a light on their +abominable doings. As to the people, he keeps them so much in the +background, that he can hardly be said to have represented them at +all, much less misrepresented them, which indeed he could scarcely +do, seeing that, by your own showing, they were all thieves, ready +to knock down any man for what they could not come by honestly. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. No, sir. They could come honestly by beef and ale, +while they were left to their simple industry. When oppression +interfered with them in that, then they stood on the defensive, and +fought for what they were not permitted to come by quietly. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. If A., being aggrieved by B., knocks down C., do +you call that standing on the defensive? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. That depends on who or what C. is. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Gentlemen, you will never settle this +controversy till you have first settled what is good for man in +this world; the great question, de finibus, which has puzzled all +philosophers. If the enchanter has represented the twelfth century +too brightly for one, and too darkly for the other of you, I should +say, as an impartial man, he has represented it fairly. My quarrel +with him is, that his works contain nothing worth quoting; and a +book that furnishes no quotations, is me judice, no book--it is a +plaything. There is no question about the amusement,--amusement of +multitudes; but if he who amuses us most is to be our enchanter +[Greek text], then my enchanter is the enchanter of Covent Garden. + + + +CHAPTER X: THE VOYAGE, CONTINUED + + + +Continuant nostre routte, navigasmes par trois jours sans rien +descouvrir.--RABELAIS. + +"There is a beautiful structure," said Mr. Chainmail, as they +glided by Lechlade church; "a subject for the pencil, Captain. It +is a question worth asking, Mr. Mac Quedy, whether the religious +spirit which reared these edifices, and connected with them +everywhere an asylum for misfortune, and a provision for poverty, +was not better than the commercial spirit, which has turned all the +business of modern life into schemes of profit and processes of +fraud and extortion. I do not see, in all your boasted +improvements, any compensation for the religious charity of the +twelfth century. I do not see any compensation for that kindly +feeling which, within their own little communities, bound the +several classes of society together, while full scope was left for +the development of natural character, wherein individuals differed +as conspicuously as in costume. Now, we all wear one conventional +dress, one conventional face; we have no bond of union but +pecuniary interest; we talk anything that comes uppermost for +talking's sake, and without expecting to be believed; we have no +nature, no simplicity, no picturesqueness: everything about us is +as artificial and as complicated as our steam-machinery: our +poetry is a kaleidoscope of false imagery, expressing no real +feeling, portraying no real existence. I do not see any +compensation for the poetry of the twelfth century." + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I wonder to hear you, Mr. Chainmail, talking of the +religious charity of a set of lazy monks and beggarly friars, who +were much more occupied with taking than giving; of whom those who +were in earnest did nothing but make themselves and everybody about +them miserable with fastings and penances, and other such trash; +and those who were not, did nothing but guzzle and royster, and, +having no wives of their own, took very unbecoming liberties with +those of honester men. And as to your poetry of the twelfth +century, it is not good for much. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. It has, at any rate, what ours wants, truth to +nature and simplicity of diction. + +The poetry, which was addressed to the people of the dark ages, +pleased in proportion to the truth with which it depicted familiar +images, and to their natural connection with the time and place to +which they were assigned. In the poetry of our enlightened times, +the characteristics of all seasons, soils, and climates may be +blended together with much benefit to the author's fame as an +original genius. The cowslip of a civic poet is always in blossom, +his fern is always in full feather; he gathers the celandine, the +primrose, the heath-flower, the jasmine, and the chrysanthemum all +on the same day and from the same spot; his nightingale sings all +the year round, his moon is always full, his cygnet is as white as +his swan, his cedar is as tremulous as his aspen, and his poplar as +embowering as his beech. Thus all nature marches with the march of +mind; but among barbarians, instead of mead and wine, and the best +seat by the fire, the reward of such a genius would have been to be +summarily turned out of doors in the snow, to meditate on the +difference between day and night and between December and July. It +is an age of liberality, indeed, when not to know an oak from a +burdock is no disqualification for sylvan minstrelsy. I am for +truth and simplicity. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT.--Let him who loves them read Greek: Greek, +Greek, Greek. + +MR. MAC QUEDY.--If he can, sir. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT.--Very true, sir; if he can. Here is the Captain +who can. But I think he must have finished his education at some +very rigid college, where a quotation or any other overt act +showing acquaintance with classical literature was visited with a +severe penalty. For my part, I make it my boast that I was not to +be so subdued. I could not be abated of a single quotation by all +the bumpers in which I was fined. + +In this manner they glided over the face of the waters, discussing +everything and settling nothing. Mr. Mac Quedy and the Reverend +Doctor Folliott had many digladiations on political economy: +wherein, each in his own view, Doctor Folliott demolished Mr. Mac +Quedy's science, and Mr. Mac Quedy demolished Dr. Folliott's +objections. + +We would print these dialogues if we thought anyone would read +them; but the world is not yet ripe for this haute sagesse +Pantagrueline. We must therefore content ourselves with an +echantillon of one of the Reverend Doctor's perorations. + +"You have given the name of a science to what is yet an imperfect +inquiry, and the upshot of your so-called science is this: that +you increase the wealth of a nation by increasing in it the +quantity of things which are produced by labour: no matter what +they are, no matter how produced, no matter how distributed. The +greater the quantity of labour that has gone to the production of +the quantity of things in a community, the richer is the community. +That is your doctrine. Now, I say, if this be so, riches are not +the object for a community to aim at. I say the nation is best +off, in relation to other nations, which has the greatest quantity +of the common necessaries of life distributed among the greatest +number of persons; which has the greatest number of honest hearts +and stout arms united in a common interest, willing to offend no +one, but ready to fight in defence of their own community against +all the rest of the world, because they have something in it worth +fighting for. The moment you admit that one class of things, +without any reference to what they respectively cost, is better +worth having than another; that a smaller commercial value, with +one mode of distribution, is better than a greater commercial +value, with another mode of distribution; the whole of that curious +fabric of postulates and dogmas, which you call the science of +political economy, and which I call politicae aeconomiae +inscientia, tumbles to pieces." + +Mr. Toogood agreed with Mr. Chainmail against Mr. Mac Quedy, that +the existing state of society was worse than that of the twelfth +century; but he agreed with Mr. Mac Quedy against Mr. Chainmail, +that it was in progress to something much better than either--to +which "something much better" Mr. Toogood and Mr. Mac Quedy +attached two very different meanings. + +Mr. Chainmail fought with Doctor Folliott, the battle of the +romantic against the classical in poetry; and Mr. Skionar contended +with Mr. Mac Quedy for intuition and synthesis, against analysis +and induction in philosophy. + +Mr. Philpot would lie along for hours, listening to the gurgling of +the water round the prow, and would occasionally edify the company +with speculations on the great changes that would be effected in +the world by the steam-navigation of rivers: sketching the course +of a steamboat up and down some mighty stream which civilisation +had either never visited, or long since deserted; the Missouri and +the Columbia, the Oroonoko and the Amazon, the Nile and the Niger, +the Euphrates and the Tigris, the Oxus and the Indus, the Ganges +and the Hoangho; under the over canopying forests of the new, or by +the long-silent ruins of the ancient, world; through the shapeless +mounds of Babylon, or the gigantic temples of Thebes. + +Mr. Trillo went on with the composition of his opera, and took the +opinions of the young ladies on every step in its progress; +occasionally regaling the company with specimens; and wondering at +the blindness of Mr. Mac Quedy, who could not, or would not, see +that an opera in perfection, being the union of all the beautiful +arts--music, painting, dancing, poetry--exhibiting female beauty in +its most attractive aspects, and in its most becoming costume--was, +according to the well-known precept, Ingenuas didicisse, etc., the +most efficient instrument of civilisation, and ought to take +precedence of all other pursuits in the minds of true +philanthropists. The Reverend Doctor Folliott, on these occasions, +never failed to say a word or two on Mr. Trillo's side, derived +from the practice of the Athenians, and from the combination, in +their theatre, of all the beautiful arts, in a degree of perfection +unknown to the modern world. + +Leaving Lechlade, they entered the canal that connects the Thames +with the Severn; ascended by many locks; passed by a tunnel, three +miles long, through the bowels of Sapperton Hill; agreed +unanimously that the greatest pleasure derivable from visiting a +cavern of any sort was that of getting out of it; descended by many +locks again through the valley of Stroud into the Severn; continued +their navigation into the Ellesmere canal; moored their pinnaces in +the Vale of Llangollen by the aqueduct of Pontycysyllty; and +determined to pass some days in inspecting the scenery, before +commencing their homeward voyage. + +The Captain omitted no opportunity of pressing his suit on Lady +Clarinda, but could never draw from her any reply but the same +doctrines of worldly wisdom, delivered in a tone of badinage, mixed +with a certain kindness of manner that induced him to hope she was +not in earnest. + +But the morning after they had anchored under the hills of the Dee- +-whether the lady had reflected more seriously than usual, or was +somewhat less in good humour than usual, or the Captain was more +pressing than usual--she said to him: "It must not be, Captain +Fitzchrome; 'the course of true love never did run smooth:' my +father must keep his borough, and I must have a town house and a +country house, and an opera box, and a carriage. It is not well +for either of us that we should flirt any longer: 'I must be cruel +only to be kind.' Be satisfied with the assurance that you alone, +of all men, have ever broken my rest. To be sure, it was only for +about three nights in all; but that is too much." + +The Captain had le coeur navre. He took his portfolio under his +arm, made up the little valise of a pedestrian, and, without saying +a word to anyone, wandered off at random among the mountains. + +After the lapse of a day or two, the Captain was missed, and +everyone marvelled what was become of him. Mr. Philpot thought he +must have been exploring a river, and fallen in and got drowned in +the process. Mr. Firedamp had no doubt he had been crossing a +mountain bog, and had been suddenly deprived of life by the +exhalations of marsh miasmata. Mr. Henbane deemed it probable that +he had been tempted in some wood by the large black brilliant +berries of the Atropa Belladonna, or Deadly Nightshade; and +lamented that he had not been by, to administer an infallible +antidote. Mr. Eavesdrop hoped the particulars of his fate would be +ascertained; and asked if anyone present could help him to any +authentic anecdotes of their departed friend. The Reverend Doctor +Folliott proposed that an inquiry should be instituted as to +whether the march of intellect had reached that neighbourhood, as, +if so, the Captain had probably been made a subject for science. +Mr. Mac Quedy said it was no such great matter to ascertain the +precise mode in which the surplus population was diminished by one. +Mr. Toogood asseverated that there was no such thing as surplus +population, and that the land, properly managed, would maintain +twenty times its present inhabitants; and hereupon they fell into a +disputation. + +Lady Clarinda did not doubt that the Captain had gone away +designedly; she missed him more than she could have anticipated, +and wished she had at least postponed her last piece of cruelty +till the completion of their homeward voyage. + + + +CHAPTER XI: CORRESPONDENCE + + + +"Base is the slave that pays."--ANCIENT PISTOL. + +The Captain was neither drowned nor poisoned, neither miasmatised +nor anatomised. But, before we proceed to account for him, we must +look back to a young lady, of whom some little notice was taken in +the first chapter; and who, though she has since been out of sight, +has never with us been out of mind: Miss Susannah Touchandgo, the +forsaken of the junior Crotchet, whom we left an inmate of a +solitary farm, in one of the deep valleys under the cloud-capt +summits of Meirion, comforting her wounded spirit with air and +exercise, rustic cheer, music, painting, and poetry, and the +prattle of the little Ap Llymrys. + +One evening, after an interval of anxious expectation, the farmer, +returning from market brought for her two letters, of which the +contents were these: + + +"Dotandcarryonetown, State of Apodidraskiana. +"April 1, 18.. + +My Dear Child, + +"I am anxious to learn what are your present position, intention, +and prospects. The fairies who dropped gold in your shoe, on the +morning when I ceased to be a respectable man in London, will soon +find a talismanic channel for transmitting you a stocking full of +dollars, which will fit the shoe as well as the foot of Cinderella +fitted her slipper. I am happy to say I am again become a +respectable man. It was always my ambition to be a respectable +man, and I am a very respectable man here, in this new township of +a new state, where I have purchased five thousand acres of land, at +two dollars an acre, hard cash, and established a very flourishing +bank. The notes of Touchandgo and Company, soft cash, are now the +exclusive currency of all this vicinity. This is the land in which +all men flourish; but there are three classes of men who flourish +especially,--methodist preachers, slave-drivers, and paper-money +manufacturers; and as one of the latter, I have just painted the +word BANK on a fine slab of maple, which was green and growing when +I arrived, and have discounted for the settlers, in my own +currency, sundry bills, which are to be paid when the proceeds of +the crop they have just sown shall return from New Orleans; so that +my notes are the representatives of vegetation that is to be, and I +am accordingly a capitalist of the first magnitude. The people +here know very well that I ran away from London; but the most of +them have run away from some place or other; and they have a great +respect for me, because they think I ran away with something worth +taking, which few of them had the luck or the wit to do. This +gives them confidence in my resources, at the same time that, as +there is nothing portable in the settlement except my own notes, +they have no fear that I shall run away with them. They know I am +thoroughly conversant with the principles of banking, and as they +have plenty of industry, no lack of sharpness, and abundance of +land, they wanted nothing but capital to organise a flourishing +settlement; and this capital I have manufactured to the extent +required, at the expense of a small importation of pens, ink, and +paper, and two or three inimitable copper plates. I have abundance +here of all good things, a good conscience included; for I really +cannot see that I have done any wrong. This was my position: I +owed half a million of money; and I had a trifle in my pocket. It +was clear that this trifle could never find its way to the right +owner. The question was, whether I should keep it, and live like a +gentleman; or hand it over to lawyers and commissioners of +bankruptcy, and die like a dog on a dunghill. If I could have +thought that the said lawyers, etc., had a better title to it than +myself, I might have hesitated; but, as such title was not apparent +to my satisfaction, I decided the question in my own favour, the +right owners, as I have already said, being out of the question +altogether. I have always taken scientific views of morals and +politics, a habit from which I derive much comfort under existing +circumstances. + +"I hope you adhere to your music, though I cannot hope again to +accompany your harp with my flute. My last andante movement was +too forte for those whom it took by surprise. Let not your allegro +vivace be damped by young Crotchet's desertion, which, though I +have not heard it, I take for granted. He is, like myself, a +scientific politician, and has an eye as keen as a needle to his +own interest. He has had good luck so far, and is gorgeous in the +spoils of many gulls; but I think the Polar Basin and Walrus +Company will be too much for him yet. There has been a splendid +outlay on credit, and he is the only man, of the original parties +concerned, of whom his Majesty's sheriffs could give any account. + +"I will not ask you to come here. There is no husband for you. +The men smoke, drink, and fight, and break more of their own heads +than of girls' hearts. Those among them who are musical, sing +nothing but psalms. They are excellent fellows in their way, but +you would not like them. + +"Au reste, here are no rents, no taxes, no poor-rates, no tithes, +no church establishment, no routs, no clubs, no rotten boroughs, no +operas, no concerts, no theatres, no beggars, no thieves, no king, +no lords, no ladies, and only one gentleman, videlicet, your loving +father, + +Timothy Touchandgo." + +P.S.--I send you one of my notes; I can afford to part with it. If +you are accused of receiving money from me, you may pay it over to +my assignees. Robthetill continues to be my factotum; I say no +more of him in this place: he will give you an account of +himself." + +"Dotandcarryonetown, etc. + + +"Dear Miss, + +"Mr. Touchandgo will have told you of our arrival here, of our +setting up a bank, and so forth. We came here in a tilted waggon, +which served us for parlour, kitchen, and all. We soon got up a +log-house; and, unluckily, we as soon got it down again, for the +first fire we made in it burned down house and all. However, our +second experiment was more fortunate; and we are pretty well lodged +in a house of three rooms on a floor; I should say the floor, for +there is but one. + +"This new state is free to hold slaves; all the new states have not +this privilege: Mr. Touchandgo has bought some, and they are +building him a villa. Mr. Touchandgo is in a thriving way, but he +is not happy here: he longs for parties and concerts, and a seat +in Congress. He thinks it very hard that he cannot buy one with +his own coinage, as he used to do in England. Besides, he is +afraid of the Regulators, who, if they do not like a man's +character, wait upon him and flog him, doubling the dose at stated +intervals, till he takes himself off. He does not like this system +of administering justice: though I think he has nothing to fear +from it. He has the character of having money, which is the best +of all characters here, as at home. He lets his old English +prejudices influence his opinions of his new neighbours; but, I +assure you, they have many virtues. Though they do keep slaves, +they are all ready to fight for their own liberty; and I should not +like to be an enemy within reach of one of their rifles. When I +say enemy, I include bailiff in the term. One was shot not long +ago. There was a trial; the jury gave two dollars damages; the +judge said they must find guilty or not guilty; but the counsel for +the defendant (they would not call him prisoner) offered to fight +the judge upon the point: and as this was said literally, not +metaphorically, and the counsel was a stout fellow, the judge gave +in. The two dollars damages were not paid after all; for the +defendant challenged the foreman to box for double or quits, and +the foreman was beaten. The folks in New York made a great outcry +about it, but here it was considered all as it should be. So you +see, Miss, justice, liberty, and everything else of that kind, are +different in different places, just as suits the convenience of +those who have the sword in their own hands. Hoping to hear of +your health and happiness, I remain, + +"Dear Miss, your dutiful servant, + +"Roderick Robthetill." + + +Miss Touchandgo replied as follows to the first of these letters: + + +"My Dear Father, + +"I am sure you have the best of hearts, and I have no doubt you +have acted with the best intentions. My lover, or, I should rather +say, my fortune's lover, has indeed forsaken me. I cannot say I +did not feel it; indeed, I cried very much; and the altered looks +of people who used to be so delighted to see me, really annoyed me +so, that I determined to change the scene altogether. I have come +into Wales, and am boarding with a farmer and his wife. Their +stock of English is very small; but I managed to agree with them, +and they have four of the sweetest children I ever saw, to whom I +teach all I know, and I manage to pick up some Welsh. I have +puzzled out a little song, which I think very pretty; I have +translated it into English, and I send it you, with the original +air. You shall play it on your flute at eight o'clock every +Saturday evening, and I will play and sing it at the same time, and +I will fancy that I hear my dear papa accompanying me. + +"The people in London said very unkind things of you: they hurt me +very much at the time; but now I am out of their way, I do not seem +to think their opinion of much consequence. I am sure, when I +recollect, at leisure, everything I have seen and heard among them, +I cannot make out what they do that is so virtuous, as to set them +up for judges of morals. And I am sure they never speak the truth +about anything, and there is no sincerity in either their love or +their friendship. An old Welsh bard here, who wears a waistcoat +embroidered with leeks, and is called the Green Bard of Cadeir +Idris, says the Scotch would be the best people in the world, if +there was nobody but themselves to give them a character: and so I +think would the Londoners. I hate the very thought of them, for I +do believe they would have broken my heart, if I had not got out of +their way. Now I shall write you another letter very soon, and +describe to you the country, and the people, and the children, and +how I amuse myself, and everything that I think you will like to +hear about: and when I seal this letter, I shall drop a kiss on +the cover. + +"Your loving daughter, + +"Susannah Touchandgo. + +P.S.--Tell Mr. Robthetill I will write to him in a day or two. +This is the little song I spoke of: + +"Beyond the sea, beyond the sea, +My heart is gone, far, far from me; +And ever on its track will flee +My thoughts, my dreams, beyond the sea. + +"Beyond the sea, beyond the sea, +The swallow wanders fast and free; +Oh, happy bird! were I like thee, +I, too, would fly beyond the sea. + +"Beyond the sea, beyond the sea, +Are kindly hearts and social glee: +But here for me they may not be; +My heart is gone beyond the sea." + + + +CHAPTER XII: THE MOUNTAIN INN + + + +[Greek text] +How sweet to minds that love not sordid ways +Is solitude!--MENANDER. + +The Captain wandered despondingly up and down hill for several +days, passing many hours of each in sitting on rocks; making, +almost mechanically, sketches of waterfalls, and mountain pools; +taking care, nevertheless, to be always before nightfall in a +comfortable inn, where, being a temperate man, he whiled away the +evening with making a bottle of sherry into negus. His rambles +brought him at length into the interior of Merionethshire, the land +of all that is beautiful in nature, and all that is lovely in +woman. + +Here, in a secluded village, he found a little inn, of small +pretension and much comfort. He felt so satisfied with his +quarters, and discovered every day so much variety in the scenes of +the surrounding mountains, that his inclination to proceed farther +diminished progressively. + +It is one thing to follow the high road through a country, with +every principally remarkable object carefully noted down in a book, +taking, as therein directed, a guide, at particular points, to the +more recondite sights: it is another to sit down on one chosen +spot, especially when the choice is unpremeditated, and from +thence, by a series of explorations, to come day by day on +unanticipated scenes. The latter process has many advantages over +the former; it is free from the disappointment which attends +excited expectation, when imagination has outstripped reality, and +from the accidents that mar the scheme of the tourist's single day, +when the valleys may be drenched with rain, or the mountains +shrouded with mist. + +The Captain was one morning preparing to sally forth on his usual +exploration, when he heard a voice without, inquiring for a guide +to the ruined castle. The voice seemed familiar to him, and going +forth into the gateway, he recognised Mr. Chainmail. After +greetings and inquiries for the absent: "You vanished very +abruptly, Captain," said Mr. Chainmail, "from our party on the +canal." + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. To tell you the truth, I had a particular +reason for trying the effect of absence from a part of that party. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. I surmised as much: at the same time, the unusual +melancholy of an in general most vivacious young lady made me +wonder at your having acted so precipitately. The lady's heart is +yours, if there be truth in signs. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Hearts are not now what they were in the days +of the old song: "Will love be controlled by advice?" + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Very true; hearts, heads, and arms have all +degenerated, most sadly. We can no more feel the high impassioned +love of the ages, which some people have the impudence to call +dark, than we can wield King Richard's battleaxe, bend Robin Hood's +bow, or flourish the oaken graft of the Pindar of Wakefield. Still +we have our tastes and feelings, though they deserve not the name +of passions; and some of us may pluck up spirit to try to carry a +point, when we reflect that we have to contend with men no better +than ourselves. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. We do not now break lances for ladies. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. No; nor even bulrushes. We jingle purses for them, +flourish paper-money banners, and tilt with scrolls of parchment. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. In which sort of tilting I have been thrown +from the saddle. I presume it was not love that led you from the +flotilla? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. By no means. I was tempted by the sight of an old +tower, not to leave this land of ruined castles, without having +collected a few hints for the adornment of my baronial hall. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I understand you live en famille with your +domestics. You will have more difficulty in finding a lady who +would adopt your fashion of living, than one who would prefer you +to a richer man. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Very true. I have tried the experiment on several +as guests; but once was enough for them: so, I suppose, I shall +die a bachelor. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. I see, like some others of my friends, you +will give up anything except your hobby. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. I will give up anything but my baronial hall. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. You will never find a wife for your purpose, +unless in the daughter of some old-fashioned farmer. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. No, I thank you. I must have a lady of gentle +blood; I shall not marry below my own condition: I am too much of +a herald; I have too much of the twelfth century in me for that. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Why, then your chance is not much better than +mine. A well-born beauty would scarcely be better pleased with +your baronial hall than with my more humble offer of love in a +cottage. She must have a town-house, and an opera-box, and roll +about the streets in a carriage; especially if her father has a +rotten borough, for the sake of which he sells his daughter, that +he may continue to sell his country. But you were inquiring for a +guide to the ruined castle in this vicinity; I know the way and +will conduct you. + +The proposal pleased Mr. Chainmail, and they set forth on their +expedition + + + +CHAPTER XIII: THE LAKE--THE RUIN + + + +Or vieni, Amore, e qua meco t'assetta. +ORLANDO INNAMORATO. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Would it not be a fine thing, Captain, you being +picturesque, and I poetical; you being for the lights and shadows +of the present, and I for those of the past; if we were to go +together over the ground which was travelled in the twelfth century +by Giraldus de Barri, when he accompanied Archbishop Baldwin to +preach the crusade? + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Nothing, in my present frame of mind, could be +more agreeable to me. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. We would provide ourselves with his Itinerarium; +compare what has been, with what is; contemplate in their decay the +castles and abbeys, which he saw in their strength and splendour; +and, while you were sketching their remains, I would +dispassionately inquire what has been gained by the change. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Be it so. + +But the scheme was no sooner arranged, than the Captain was +summoned to London by a letter on business, which he did not expect +to detain him long. Mr. Chainmail, who, like the Captain, was +fascinated with the inn and the scenery, determined to await his +companion's return; and, having furnished him with a list of books, +which he was to bring with him from London, took leave of him, and +began to pass his days like the heroes of Ariosto, who + + +- tutto il giorno, al bel oprar intenti, +Saliron balze, e traversar torrenti. + + +One day Mr. Chainmail traced upwards the course of a mountain +stream to a spot where a small waterfall threw itself over a slab +of perpendicular rock, which seemed to bar his farther progress. +On a nearer view, he discovered a flight of steps, roughly hewn in +the rock, on one side of the fall. Ascending these steps, he +entered a narrow winding pass, between high and naked rocks, that +afforded only space for a rough footpath, carved on one side, at +some height above the torrent. + +The pass opened on a lake, from which the stream issued, and which +lay like a dark mirror, set in a gigantic frame of mountain +precipices. Fragments of rock lay scattered on the edge of the +lake, some half-buried in the water: Mr. Chainmail scrambled some +way over these fragments, till the base of a rock sinking abruptly +in the water, effectually barred his progress. He sat down on a +large smooth stone; the faint murmur of the stream he had quitted, +the occasional flapping of the wings of the heron, and at long +intervals, the solitary springing of a trout, were the only sounds +that came to his ear. The sun shone brightly half-way down the +opposite rocks, presenting, on their irregular faces, strong masses +of light and shade. Suddenly he heard the dash of a paddle, and, +turning his eyes, saw a solitary and beautiful girl gliding over +the lake in a coracle: she was proceeding from the vicinity of the +point he had quitted, towards the upper end of the lake. Her +apparel was rustic, but there was in its style something more +recherchee, in its arrangement something more of elegance and +precision, than was common to the mountain peasant girl. It had +more of the contadina of the opera, than of the genuine +mountaineer; so at least thought Mr. Chainmail; but she passed so +rapidly, and took him so much by surprise, that he had little +opportunity for accurate observation. He saw her land, at the +farther extremity, and disappear among the rocks: he rose from his +seat, returned to the mouth of the pass, stepped from stone to +stone across the stream, and attempted to pass round by the other +side of the lake; but there again the abruptly sinking precipice +closed his way. + +Day after day he haunted the spot, but never saw again either the +damsel or the coracle. At length, marvelling at himself for being +so solicitous about the apparition of a peasant girl in a coracle, +who could not, by any possibility, be anything to him, he resumed +his explorations in another direction. + +One day he wandered to the ruined castle, on the sea-shore, which +was not very distant from his inn; and sitting on the rock, near +the base of the ruin, was calling up the forms of past ages on the +wall of an ivied tower, when on its summit appeared a female +figure, whom he recognised in an instant for his nymph of the +coracle. The folds of the blue gown pressed by the sea-breeze +against one of the most symmetrical of figures, the black feather +of the black hat, and the ringleted hair beneath it fluttering in +the wind; the apparent peril of her position, on the edge of the +mouldering wall, from whose immediate base the rock went down +perpendicularly to the sea, presented a singularly interesting +combination to the eye of the young antiquary. + +Mr. Chainmail had to pass half round the castle, on the land side, +before he could reach the entrance: he coasted the dry and +bramble-grown moat, crossed the unguarded bridge, passed the +unportcullised arch of the gateway, entered the castle court, +ascertained the tower, ascended the broken stairs, and stood on the +ivied wall. But the nymph of the place was gone. He searched the +ruins within and without, but he found not what he sought: he +haunted the castle day after day, as he had done the lake, but the +damsel appeared no more. + + + +CHAPTER XIV: THE DINGLE + + + +The stars of midnight shall be dear +To her, and she shall lean her ear +In many a secret place, +Where rivulets dance their wayward round, +And beauty, born of murmuring sound, +Shall pass into her face.--WORDSWORTH. + +Miss Susannah Touchandgo had read the four great poets of Italy, +and many of the best writers of France. About the time of her +father's downfall, accident threw into her way Les Reveries du +Promeneur Solitaire; and from the impression which these made on +her, she carried with her into retirement all the works of +Rousseau. In the midst of that startling light, which the conduct +of old friends on a sudden reverse of fortune throws on a young and +inexperienced mind, the doctrines of the philosopher of Geneva +struck with double force upon her sympathies: she imbibed the +sweet poison, as somebody calls it, of his writings, even to a love +of truth; which, every wise man knows, ought to be left to those +who can get anything by it. The society of children, the beauties +of nature, the solitude of the mountains, became her consolation, +and, by degrees, her delight. The gay society from which she had +been excluded, remained on her memory only as a disagreeable dream. +She imbibed her new monitor's ideas of simplicity of dress, +assimilating her own with that of the peasant-girls in the +neighbourhood: the black hat, the blue gown, the black stockings, +the shoes, tied on the instep. + +Pride was, perhaps, at the bottom of the change: she was willing +to impose in some measure on herself, by marking a contemptuous +indifference to the characteristics of the class of society from +which she had fallen. + + +And with the food of pride sustained her soul +In solitude. + + +It is true that she somewhat modified the forms of her rustic +dress: to the black hat she added a black feather, to the blue +gown she added a tippet, and a waistband fastened in front with a +silver buckle; she wore her black stockings very smooth and tight +on her ankles, and tied her shoes in tasteful bows, with the nicest +possible ribbon. In this apparel, to which, in winter, she added a +scarlet cloak, she made dreadful havoc among the rustic +mountaineers, many of whom proposed to "keep company" with her in +the Cambrian fashion, an honour which, to their great surprise, she +always declined. Among these, Harry Ap-Heather, whose father +rented an extensive sheepwalk, and had a thousand she-lambs +wandering in the mountains, was the most strenuous in his suit, and +the most pathetic in his lamentations for her cruelty. + +Miss Susannah often wandered among the mountains alone, even to +some distance from the farmhouse. Sometimes she descended into the +bottom of the dingles, to the black rocky beds of the torrents, and +dreamed away hours at the feet of the cataracts. One spot in +particular, from which she had at first shrunk with terror, became +by degrees her favourite haunt. A path turning and returning at +acute angles, led down a steep wood-covered slope to the edge of a +chasm, where a pool, or resting-place of a torrent, lay far below. +A cataract fell in a single sheet into the pool; the pool boiled +and bubbled at the base of the fall, but through the greater part +of its extent, lay calm, deep, and black, as if the cataract had +plunged through it to an unimaginable depth, without disturbing its +eternal repose. At the opposite extremity of the pool, the rocks +almost met at their summits, the trees of the opposite banks +intermingled their leaves, and another cataract plunged from the +pool into a chasm, on which the sunbeams never gleamed. High +above, on both sides, the steep woody slopes of the dingle soared +into the sky; and from a fissure in the rock, on which the little +path terminated, a single gnarled and twisted oak stretched itself +over the pool, forming a fork with its boughs at a short distance +from the rock. Miss Susannah often sat on the rock, with her feet +resting on this tree; in time, she made her seat on the tree +itself, with her feet hanging over the abyss; and at length, she +accustomed herself to lie along upon its trunk, with her side on +the mossy bole of the fork, and an arm round one of the branches. +From this position a portion of the sky and the woods was reflected +in the pool, which, from its bank, was but a mass of darkness. The +first time she reclined in this manner, her heart beat audibly; in +time she lay down as calmly as on the mountain heather; the +perception of the sublime was probably heightened by an +intermingled sense of danger; and perhaps that indifference to +life, which early disappointment forces upon sensitive minds, was +necessary to the first experiment. There was, in the novelty and +strangeness of the position, an excitement which never wholly +passed away, but which became gradually subordinate to the +influence, at once tranquillising and elevating, of the mingled +eternity of motion, sound, and solitude. + +One sultry noon, she descended into this retreat with a mind more +than usually disturbed by reflections on the past. She lay in her +favourite position, sometimes gazing on the cataract; looking +sometimes up the steep sylvan acclivities, into the narrow space of +the cloudless ether; sometimes down into the abyss of the pool, and +the deep bright-blue reflections that opened another immensity +below her. The distressing recollections of the morning, the world +and all its littlenesses, faded from her thoughts like a dream; but +her wounded and wearied spirit drank in too deeply the +tranquillising power of the place, and she dropped asleep upon the +tree like a ship-boy on the mast. + +At this moment Mr. Chainmail emerged into daylight, on a projection +of the opposite rock, having struck down through the woods in +search of unsophisticated scenery. The scene he discovered filled +him with delight: he seated himself on the rock, and fell into one +of his romantic reveries; when suddenly the semblance of a black +hat and feather caught his eye among the foliage of the projecting +oak. He started up, shifted his position, and got a glimpse of a +blue gown. It was his lady of the lake, his enchantress of the +ruined castle, divided from him by a barrier which, at a few yards +below, he could almost overleap, yet unapproachable but by a +circuit perhaps of many hours. He watched with intense anxiety. +To listen if she breathed was out of the question: the noses of a +dean and chapter would have been soundless in the roar of the +torrent. From her extreme stillness, she appeared to sleep: yet +what creature, not desperate, would go wilfully to sleep in such a +place? Was she asleep, then? Nay, was she alive? She was as +motionless as death. Had she been murdered, thrown from above, and +caught in the tree? She lay too regularly and too composedly for +such a supposition. She was asleep, then, and, in all probability, +her waking would be fatal. He shifted his position. Below the +pool two beetle-browed rocks nearly overarched the chasm, leaving +just such a space at the summit as was within the possibility of a +leap; the torrent roared below in a fearful gulf. He paused some +time on the brink, measuring the practicability and the danger, and +casting every now and then an anxious glance to his sleeping +beauty. In one of these glances he saw a slight movement of the +blue gown, and, in a moment after, the black hat and feather +dropped into the pool. Reflection was lost for a moment, and, by a +sudden impulse, he bounded over the chasm. + +He stood above the projecting oak; the unknown beauty lay like the +nymph of the scene; her long black hair, which the fall of her hat +had disengaged from its fastenings, drooping through the boughs: +he saw that the first thing to be done, was to prevent her throwing +her feet off the trunk, in the first movements of waking. He sat +down on the rock, and placed his feet on the stem, securing her +ankles between his own: one of her arms was round a branch of the +fork, the other lay loosely on her side. The hand of this arm he +endeavoured to reach, by leaning forward from his seat; he +approximated, but could not touch it: after several tantalising +efforts, he gave up the point in despair. He did not attempt to +wake her, because he feared it might have bad consequences, and he +resigned himself to expect the moment of her natural waking, +determined not to stir from his post, if she should sleep till +midnight. + +In this period of forced inaction, he could contemplate at leisure +the features and form of his charmer. She was not one of the +slender beauties of romance; she was as plump as a partridge; her +cheeks were two roses, not absolutely damask, yet verging +thereupon; her lips twin-cherries, of equal size; her nose regular, +and almost Grecian; her forehead high, and delicately fair; her +eyebrows symmetrically arched; her eyelashes, long, black, and +silky, fitly corresponding with the beautiful tresses that hung +among the leaves of the oak, like clusters of wandering grapes. +Her eyes were yet to be seen; but how could he doubt that their +opening would be the rising of the sun, when all that surrounded +their fringy portals was radiant as "the forehead of the morning +sky?" + + + +CHAPTER XV: THE FARM + + + +Da ydyw'r gwaith, rhaid d'we'yd y gwir, +Ar fryniau Sir Meirionydd; +Golwg oer o'r gwaela gawn +Mae hi etto yn llawn llawenydd. + +Though Meirion's rocks, and hills of heath, +Repel the distant sight, +Yet where, than those bleak hills beneath, +Is found more true delight? + +At length the young lady awoke. She was startled at the sudden +sight of the stranger, and somewhat terrified at the first +perception of her position. But she soon recovered her self- +possession, and, extending her hand to the offered hand of Mr. +Chainmail, she raised herself up on the tree, and stepped on the +rocky bank. + +Mr. Chainmail solicited permission to attend her to her home, which +the young lady graciously conceded. They emerged from the woody +dingle, traversed an open heath, wound along a mountain road by the +shore of a lake, descended to the deep bed of another stream, +crossed it by a series of stepping-stones, ascended to some height +on the opposite side, and followed upwards the line of the stream, +till the banks opened into a spacious amphitheatre, where stood, in +its fields and meadows, the farmhouse of Ap-Llymry. + +During this walk, they had kept up a pretty animated conversation. +The lady had lost her hat, and, as she turned towards Mr. +Chainmail, in speaking to him, there was no envious projection of +brim to intercept the beams of those radiant eyes he had been so +anxious to see unclosed. There was in them a mixture of softness +and brilliancy, the perfection of the beauty of female eyes, such +as some men have passed through life without seeing, and such as no +man ever saw, in any pair of eyes, but once; such as can never be +seen and forgotten. Young Crotchet had seen it; he had not +forgotten it; but he had trampled on its memory, as the renegade +tramples on the emblems of a faith which his interest only, and not +his heart or his reason, has rejected. + +Her hair streamed over her shoulders; the loss of the black feather +had left nothing but the rustic costume, the blue gown, the black +stockings, and the ribbon-tied shoes. Her voice had that full soft +volume of melody which gives to common speech the fascination of +music. Mr. Chainmail could not reconcile the dress of the damsel +with her conversation and manners. He threw out a remote question +or two, with the hope of solving the riddle, but, receiving no +reply, he became satisfied that she was not disposed to be +communicative respecting herself, and, fearing to offend her, fell +upon other topics. They talked of the scenes of the mountains, of +the dingle, the ruined castle, the solitary lake. She told him, +that lake lay under the mountains behind her home, and the coracle +and the pass at the extremity, saved a long circuit to the nearest +village, whither she sometimes went to inquire for letters. + +Mr. Chainmail felt curious to know from whom these letters might +be; and he again threw out two or three fishing questions, to +which, as before, he obtained no answer. + +The only living biped they met in their walk was the unfortunate +Harry Ap-Heather, with whom they fell in by the stepping-stones, +who, seeing the girl of his heart hanging on another man's arm, +and, concluding at once that they were "keeping company," fixed on +her a mingled look of surprise, reproach, and tribulation; and, +unable to control his feelings under the sudden shock, burst into a +flood of tears, and blubbered till the rocks re-echoed. + +They left him mingling his tears with the stream, and his +lamentations with its murmurs. Mr. Chainmail inquired who that +strange creature might be, and what was the matter with him. The +young lady answered, that he was a very worthy young man, to whom +she had been the innocent cause of much unhappiness. + +"I pity him sincerely," said Mr. Chainmail and, nevertheless, he +could scarcely restrain his laughter at the exceedingly original +figure which the unfortunate rustic lover had presented by the +stepping-stones. + +The children ran out to meet their dear Miss Susan, jumped all +round her, and asked what was become of her hat. Ap-Llymry came +out in great haste, and invited Mr. Chainmail to walk in and dine: +Mr. Chainmail did not wait to be asked twice. In a few minutes the +whole party, Miss Susan and Mr. Chainmail, Mr. and Mrs. Ap-Llymry, +and progeny, were seated over a clean homespun table cloth, +ornamented with fowls and bacon, a pyramid of potatoes, another of +cabbage, which Ap-Llymry said "was poiled with the pacon, and as +coot as marrow," a bowl of milk for the children, and an immense +brown jug of foaming ale, with which Ap-Llymry seemed to delight in +filling the horn of his new guest. + +Shall we describe the spacious apartment, which was at once +kitchen, hall, and dining-room,--the large dark rafters, the +pendent bacon and onions, the strong old oaken furniture, the +bright and trimly-arranged utensils? Shall we describe the cut of +Ap-Llymry's coat, the colour and tie of his neckcloth, the number +of buttons at his knees,--the structure of Mrs. Ap-Llymry's cap, +having lappets over the ears, which were united under the chin, +setting forth especially whether the bond of union were a pin or a +ribbon? We shall leave this tempting field of interesting +expatiation to those whose brains are high-pressure steam-engines +for spinning prose by the furlong, to be trumpeted in paid-for +paragraphs in the quack's corner of newspapers: modern literature +having attained the honourable distinction of sharing, with +blacking and Macassar oil, the space which used to be monopolised +by razor-strops and the lottery; whereby that very enlightened +community, the reading public, is tricked into the perusal of much +exemplary nonsense; though the few who see through the trickery +have no reason to complain, since as "good wine needs no bush," so, +ex vi oppositi, these bushes of venal panegyric point out very +clearly that the things they celebrate are not worth reading. + +The party dined very comfortably in a corner most remote from the +fire: and Mr. Chainmail very soon found his head swimming with two +or three horns of ale, of a potency to which even he was +unaccustomed. After dinner Ap-Llymry made him finish a bottle of +mead, which he willingly accepted, both as an excuse to remain and +as a drink of the dark ages, which he had no doubt was a genuine +brewage from uncorrupted tradition. + +In the meantime, as soon as the cloth was removed, the children had +brought out Miss Susannah's harp. She began, without affectation, +to play and sing to the children, as was her custom of an +afternoon, first in their own language, and their national +melodies, then in English; but she was soon interrupted by a +general call of little voices for "Ouf! di giorno." She complied +with the request, and sang the ballad from Paer's Camilla: "Un di +carco il mulinaro." The children were very familiar with every +syllable of this ballad, which had been often fully explained to +them. They danced in a circle with the burden of every verse, +shouting out the chorus with good articulation and joyous energy; +and at the end of the second stanza, where the traveller has his +nose pinched by his grandmother's ghost, every nose in the party +was nipped by a pair of little fingers. Mr. Chainmail, who was not +prepared for the process, came in for a very energetic tweak from a +chubby girl that sprang suddenly on his knees for the purpose, and +made the roof ring with her laughter. + +So passed the time till evening, when Mr. Chainmail moved to +depart. But it turned out on inquiry that he was some miles from +his inn, that the way was intricate, and that he must not make any +difficulty about accepting the farmer's hospitality till morning. +The evening set in with rain: the fire was found agreeable; they +drew around it. The young lady made tea; and afterwards, from time +to time, at Mr. Chainmail's special request, delighted his ear with +passages of ancient music. Then came a supper of lake trout, fried +on the spot, and thrown, smoking hot, from the pan to the plate. +Then came a brewage, which the farmer called his nightcap, of which +he insisted on Mr. Chainmail's taking his full share. After which +the gentleman remembered nothing till he awoke, the next morning, +to the pleasant consciousness that he was under the same roof with +one of the most fascinating creatures under the canopy of heaven. + + + +CHAPTER XVI: THE NEWSPAPER + + + +[Greek text] +Sprung from what line, adorns the maid +These, valleys deep in mountain-shade? +PIND. Pyth. IX + +Mr. Chainmail forgot the Captain and the route of Giraldus de +Barri. He became suddenly satisfied that the ruined castle in his +present neighbourhood was the best possible specimen of its class, +and that it was needless to carry his researches further. + +He visited the farm daily: found himself always welcome; flattered +himself that the young lady saw him with pleasure, and dragged a +heavier chain at every new parting from Miss Susan, as the children +called his nymph of the mountains. What might be her second name, +he had vainly endeavoured to discover. + +Mr. Chainmail was in love: but the determination he had long +before formed and fixed in his mind, to marry only a lady of gentle +blood, without a blot in her escutcheon, repressed the declarations +of passion which were often rising to his lips. In the meantime he +left no means untried to pluck out the heart of her mystery. + +The young lady soon divined his passion, and penetrated his +prejudices. She began to look on him with favourable eyes; but she +feared her name and parentage would present an insuperable barrier +to his feudal pride. + +Things were in this state when the Captain returned, and unpacked +his maps and books in the parlour of the inn. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Really, Captain, I find so many objects of +attraction in this neighbourhood, that I would gladly postpone our +purpose. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Undoubtedly this neighbourhood has many +attractions; but there is something very inviting in the scheme you +laid down. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. No doubt there is something very tempting in the +route of Giraldus de Barri. But there are better things in this +vicinity even than that. To tell you the truth, Captain, I have +fallen in love. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. What! while I have been away? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Even so. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. The plunge must have been very sudden, if you +are already over head and ears. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. As deep as Llyn-y-dreiddiad-vrawd. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. And what may that be? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. A pool not far off: a resting-place of a mountain +stream which is said to have no bottom. There is a tradition +connected with it; and here is a ballad on it, at your service. + + +LLYN-Y-DREIDDIAD-VRAWD. +THE POOL OF THE DIVING FRIAR. + +Gwenwynwyn withdrew from the feasts of his hall: +He slept very little, he prayed not at all: +He pondered, and wandered, and studied alone; +And sought, night and day, the philosopher's stone. + +He found it at length, and he made its first proof +By turning to gold all the lead of his roof: +Then he bought some magnanimous heroes, all fire, +Who lived but to smite and be smitten for hire. + +With these on the plains like a torrent he broke; +He filled the whole country with flame and with smoke; +He killed all the swine, and he broached all the wine; +He drove off the sheep, and the beeves, and the kine; + +He took castles and towns; he cut short limbs and lives; +He made orphans and widows of children and wives: +This course many years he triumphantly ran, +And did mischief enough to be called a great man. + +When, at last, he had gained all for which he held striven, +He bethought him of buying a passport to heaven; +Good and great as he was, yet he did not well know, +How soon, or which way, his great spirit might go. + +He sought the grey friars, who beside a wild stream, +Refected their frames on a primitive scheme; +The gravest and wisest Gwenwynwyn found out, +All lonely and ghostly, and angling for trout. + +Below the white dash of a mighty cascade, +Where a pool of the stream a deep resting-place made, +And rock-rooted oaks stretched their branches on high, +The friar stood musing, and throwing his fly. + +To him said Gwenwynwyn, "Hold, father, here's store, +For the good of the church, and the good of the poor;" +Then he gave him the stone; but, ere more he could speak, +Wrath came on the friar, so holy and meek. + +He had stretched forth his hand to receive the red gold, +And he thought himself mocked by Gwenwynwyn the Bold; +And in scorn of the gift, and in rage at the giver, +He jerked it immediately into the river. + +Gwenwynwyn, aghast, not a syllable spake; +The philosopher's stone made a duck and a drake; +Two systems of circles a moment were seen, +And the stream smoothed them off, as they never had been. + +Gwenwynwyn regained, and uplifted his voice, +"Oh friar, grey friar, full rash was thy choice; +The stone, the good stone, which away thou hast thrown, +Was the stone of all stones, the philosopher's stone." + +The friar looked pale, when his error he knew; +The friar looked red, and the friar looked blue; +And heels over head, from the point of a rock, +He plunged, without stopping to pull off his frock. + +He dived very deep, but he dived all in vain, +The prize he had slighted he found not again; +Many times did the friar his diving renew, +And deeper and deeper the river still grew. + +Gwenwynwyn gazed long, of his senses in doubt, +To see the grey friar a diver so stout; +Then sadly and slowly his castle he sought, +And left the friar diving, like dabchick distraught. + +Gwenwynwyn fell sick with alarm and despite, +Died, and went to the devil, the very same night; +The magnanimous heroes he held in his pay +Sacked his castle, and marched with the plunder away. + +No knell on the silence of midnight was rolled +For the flight of the soul of Gwenwynwyn the Bold. +The brethren, unfeed, let the mighty ghost pass, +Without praying a prayer, or intoning a mass. + +The friar haunted ever beside the dark stream; +The philosopher's stone was his thought and his dream: +And day after day, ever head under heels +He dived all the time he could spare from his meals. + +He dived, and he dived, to the end of his days, +As the peasants oft witnessed with fear and amaze. +The mad friar's diving-place long was their theme, +And no plummet can fathom that pool of the stream. + +And still, when light clouds on the midnight winds ride, +If by moonlight you stray on the lone river-side, +The ghost of the friar may be seen diving there, +With head in the water, and heels in the air. + + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Well, your ballad is very pleasant: you shall +show me the scene, and I will sketch it; but just now I am more +interested about your love. What heroine of the twelfth century +has risen from the ruins of the old castle, and looked down on you +from the ivied battlements? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. You are nearer the mark than you suppose. Even +from those battlements a heroine of the twelfth century has looked +down on me. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Oh! some vision of an ideal beauty. I suppose +the whole will end in another tradition and a ballad. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Genuine flesh and blood; as genuine as Lady +Clarinda. I will tell you the story. + +Mr. Chainmail narrated his adventures. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Then you seem to have found what you wished. +Chance has thrown in your way what none of the gods would have +ventured to promise you. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Yes, but I know nothing of her birth and parentage. +She tells me nothing of herself, and I have no right to question +her directly. + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. She appears to be expressly destined for the +light of your baronial hall. Introduce me in this case, two heads +are better than one. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. No, I thank you. Leave me to manage my chance of a +prize, and keep you to your own chance of a - + +CAPTAIN FITZCHROME. Blank. As you please. Well, I will pitch my +tent here, till I have filled my portfolio, and shall be glad of as +much of your company as you can spare from more attractive society. + +Matters went on pretty smoothly for several days, when an unlucky +newspaper threw all into confusion. Mr. Chainmail received +newspapers by the post, which came in three times a week. One +morning, over their half-finished breakfast, the Captain had read +half a newspaper very complacently, when suddenly he started up in +a frenzy, hurled over the breakfast table, and, bouncing from the +apartment, knocked down Harry Ap Heather, who was coming in at the +door to challenge his supposed rival to a boxing-match. + +Harry sprang up, in a double rage, and intercepted Mr. Chainmail's +pursuit of the Captain, placing himself in the doorway, in a +pugilistic attitude. Mr. Chainmail, not being disposed for this +mode of combat, stepped back into the parlour, took the poker in +his right hand, and displacing the loose bottom of a large elbow +chair, threw it over his left arm as a shield. Harry, not liking +the aspect of the enemy in this imposing attitude, retreated with +backward steps into the kitchen, and tumbled over a cur, which +immediately fastened on his rear. + +Mr. Chainmail, half-laughing, half-vexed, anxious to overtake the +Captain, and curious to know what was the matter with him, pocketed +the newspaper, and sallied forth, leaving Harry roaring for a +doctor and tailor, to repair the lacerations of his outward man. + +Mr. Chainmail could find no trace of the Captain. Indeed, he +sought him but in one direction, which was that leading to the +farm; where he arrived in due time, and found Miss Susan alone. He +laid the newspaper on the table, as was his custom, and proceeded +to converse with the young lady: a conversation of many pauses, as +much of signs as of words. The young lady took up the paper, and +turned it over and over, while she listened to Mr. Chainmail, whom +she found every day more and more agreeable, when suddenly her eye +glanced on something which made her change colour, and dropping the +paper on the ground, she rose from her seat, exclaiming: +"Miserable must she be who trusts any of your faithless sex! never, +never, never, will I endure such misery twice." And she vanished +up the stairs. Mr. Chainmail was petrified. At length, he cried +aloud: "Cornelius Agrippa must have laid a spell on this accursed +newspaper;" and was turning it over, to look for the source of the +mischief, when Mrs. Ap Llymry made her appearance. + +MRS. AP LLYMRY. What have you done to poor dear Miss Susan? she is +crying ready to break her heart. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. So help me the memory of Richard Coeur-de-Lion, I +have not the most distant notion of what is the matter. + +MRS. AP LLYMRY. Oh, don't tell me, sir; you must have ill-used +her. I know how it is. You have been keeping company with her, as +if you wanted to marry her; and now, all at once, you have been +insulting her. I have seen such tricks more than once, and you +ought to be ashamed of yourself. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. My dear madam, you wrong me utterly. I have none +but the kindest feelings and the most honourable purposes towards +her. She has been disturbed by something she has seen in this +rascally paper. + +MRS. AP LLYMRY. Why, then, the best thing you can do is to go +away, and come again tomorrow. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Not I, indeed, madam. Out of this house I stir +not, till I have seen the young lady, and obtained a full +explanation. + +MRS. AP LLYMRY. I will tell Miss Susan what you say. Perhaps she +will come down. + +Mr. Chainmail sat with as much patience as he could command, +running over the paper, from column to column. At length he +lighted on an announcement of the approaching marriage of Lady +Clarinda Bossnowl with Mr. Crotchet the younger. This explained +the Captain's discomposure, but the cause of Miss Susan's was still +to be sought: he could not know that it was one and the same. + +Presently, the sound of the longed-for step was heard on the +stairs; the young lady reappeared, and resumed her seat: her eyes +showed that she had been weeping. The gentleman was now +exceedingly puzzled how to begin, but the young lady relieved him +by asking, with great simplicity: "What do you wish to have +explained, sir?" + +MR. CHAINMAIL. I wish, if I may be permitted, to explain myself to +you. Yet could I first wish to know what it was that disturbed you +in this unlucky paper. Happy should I be if I could remove the +cause of your inquietude! + +MISS SUSANNAH. The cause is already removed. I saw something that +excited painful recollections; nothing that I could now wish +otherwise than as it is. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Yet, may I ask why it is that I find one so +accomplished living in this obscurity, and passing only by the name +of Miss Susan? + +MISS SUSANNAH. The world and my name are not friends. I have left +the world, and wish to remain for ever a stranger to all whom I +once knew in it. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. You can have done nothing to dishonour your name. + +MISS SUSANNAH. No, sir. My father has done that of which the +world disapproves, in matters of which I pretend not to judge. I +have suffered for it as I will never suffer again. My name is my +own secret: I have no other, and that is one not worth knowing. +You see what I am, and all I am. I live according to the condition +of my present fortune, and here, so living, I have found +tranquillity. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Yet, I entreat you, tell me your name. + +MISS SUSANNAH. Why, sir? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Why, but to throw my hand, my heart, my fortune, at +your feet, if -. + +MISS SUSANNAH. If my name be worthy of them. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Nay, nay, not so; if your hand and heart are free. + +MISS SUSANNAH. My hand and heart are free; but they must be sought +from myself, and not from my name. + +She fixed her eyes on him, with a mingled expression of mistrust, +of kindness, and of fixed resolution, which the far-gone inamorato +found irresistible. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Then from yourself alone I seek them. + +MISS SUSANNAH. Reflect. You have prejudices on the score of +parentage. I have not conversed with you so often without knowing +what they are. Choose between them and me. I too have my own +prejudices on the score of personal pride. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. I would choose you from all the world, were you +even the daughter of the executeur des hautes oeuvres, as the +heroine of a romantic story I once read turned out to be. + +MISS SUSANNAH. I am satisfied. You have now a right to know my +history, and if you repent, I absolve you from all obligations. + +She told him her history; but he was out of the reach of +repentance. "It is true," as at a subsequent period he said to the +captain, "she is the daughter of a money-changer: one who, in the +days of Richard the First, would have been plucked by the beard in +the streets: but she is, according to modern notions, a lady of +gentle blood. As to her father's running away, that is a minor +consideration: I have always understood, from Mr. Mac Quedy, who +is a great oracle in this way, that promises to pay ought not to be +kept; the essence of a safe and economical currency being an +interminable series of broken promises. There seems to be a +difference among the learned as to the way in which the promises +ought to be broken; but I am not deep enough in this casuistry to +enter into such nice distinctions." + +In a few days there was a wedding, a pathetic leave-taking of the +farmer's family, a hundred kisses from the bride to the children, +and promises twenty times reclaimed and renewed, to visit them in +the ensuing year. + + + +CHAPTER XVII: THE INVITATION + + + +A cup of wine, that's brisk and fine, +And drink unto the lemon mine. +Master Silence. + +This veridicous history began in May, and the occurrences already +narrated have carried it on to the middle of autumn. Stepping over +the interval to Christmas, we find ourselves in our first locality, +among the chalk hills of the Thames; and we discover our old +friend, Mr. Crotchet, in the act of accepting an invitation, for +himself, and any friends who might be with him, to pass their +Christmas Day at Chainmail Hall, after the fashion of the twelfth +century. Mr. Crochet had assembled about him, for his own +Christmas festivities, nearly the same party which was introduced +to the reader in the spring. Three of that party were wanting. +Dr. Morbific, by inoculating himself once too often with non- +contagious matter, had explained himself out of the world. Mr. +Henbane had also departed, on the wings of an infallible antidote. +Mr. Eavesdrop, having printed in a magazine some of the after- +dinner conversations of the castle, had had sentence of exclusion +passed upon him, on the motion of the Reverend Doctor Folliott, as +a flagitious violator of the confidences of private life. + +Miss Crotchet had become Lady Bossnowl, but Lady Clarinda had not +yet changed her name to Crotchet. She had, on one pretence and +another, procrastinated the happy event, and the gentleman had not +been very pressing; she had, however, accompanied her brother and +sister-in-law, to pass Christmas at Crotchet Castle. With these, +Mr. Mac Quedy, Mr. Philpot, Mr. Trillo, Mr. Skionar, Mr. Toogood, +and Mr. Firedamp were sitting at breakfast, when the Reverend +Doctor Folliott entered and took his seat at the table. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, Mr. Mac Quedy, it is now some weeks since +we have met: how goes on the march of mind? + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Nay, sir; I think you may see that with your own +eyes. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Sir, I have seen it, much to my discomfiture. +It has marched into my rickyard, and set my stacks on fire, with +chemical materials, most scientifically compounded. It has marched +up to the door of my vicarage, a hundred and fifty strong; ordered +me to surrender half my tithes; consumed all the provisions I had +provided for my audit feast, and drunk up my old October. It has +marched in through my back-parlour shutters, and out again with my +silver spoons, in the dead of the night. The policeman who has +been down to examine says my house has been broken open on the most +scientific principles. All this comes of education. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I rather think it comes of poverty. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir. Robbery, perhaps, comes of poverty, +but scientific principles of robbery come of education. I suppose +the learned friend has written a sixpenny treatise on mechanics, +and the rascals who robbed me have been reading it. + +MR. CROTCHET. Your house would have been very safe, Doctor, if +they had had no better science than the learned friend's to work +with. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, that may be. Excellent potted char. +The Lord deliver me from the learned friend. + +MR. CROTCHET. Well, Doctor, for your comfort, here is a +declaration of the learned friend's that he will never take office. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Then, sir, he will be in office next week. +Peace be with him. Sugar and cream. + +MR. CROTCHET. But, Doctor, are you for Chainmail Hall on Christmas +Day? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. That am I, for there will be an excellent +dinner, though, peradventure, grotesquely served. + +MR. CROTCHET. I have not seen my neighbour since he left us on the +canal. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. He has married a wife, and brought her home. + +LADY CLARINDA. Indeed! If she suits him, she must be an oddity: +it will be amusing to see them together. + +LORD BOSSNOWL. Very amusing. He! He! Mr. Firedamp. Is there any +water about Chainmail Hall? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. An old moat. + +MR. FIREDAMP. I shall die of malaria. + +MR. TRILLO. Shall we have any music? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. An old harper. + +MR. TRILLO. Those fellows are always horridly out of tune. What +will he play? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Old songs and marches. + +MR. SKIONAR. Among so many old things, I hope we shall find Old +Philosophy. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. An old woman. + +MR. PHILPOT. Perhaps an old map of the river in the twelfth +century. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No doubt. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. How many more old things? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Old hospitality; old wine; old ale; all the +images of old England; an old butler. + +MR. TOOGOOD. Shall we all be welcome? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Heartily; you will be slapped on the shoulder, +and called Old Boy. + +LORD BOSSNOWL. I think we should all go in our old clothes. He! +He! + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. You will sit on old chairs, round an old table, +by the light of old lamps, suspended from pointed arches, which, +Mr. Chainmail says, first came into use in the twelfth century, +with old armour on the pillars and old banners in the roof. + +LADY CLARINDA. And what curious piece of antiquity is the lady of +the mansion? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No antiquity there; none. + +LADY CLARINDA. Who was she? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. That I know not. + +LADY CLARINDA. Have you seen her? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I have. + +LADY CLARINDA. Is she pretty? + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. More,--beautiful. A subject for the pen of +Nonnus or the pencil of Zeuxis. Features of all loveliness, +radiant with all virtue and intelligence. A face for Antigone. A +form at once plump and symmetrical, that, if it be decorous to +divine it by externals, would have been a model for the Venus of +Cnidos. Never was anything so goodly to look on, the present +company excepted; and poor dear Mrs. Folliott. She reads moral +philosophy, Mr. Mac Quedy, which indeed she might as well let +alone; she reads Italian poetry, Mr. Skionar; she sings Italian +music, Mr. Trillo; but, with all this, she has the greatest of +female virtues, for she superintends the household and looks after +her husband's dinner. I believe she was a mountaineer: [Greek +text] {1} as Nonnus sweetly sings. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII: CHAINMAIL HALL + + + +Vous autres dictes que ignorance est mere de tous maulx, et dictes +vray: mais toutesfoys vous ne la bannissez mye de vos entendemens, +et vivez en elle, avecques elle, et par elle. C'est pourquoy tant +de maulx vous meshaignent de jour en jour.--RABELIAS, 1. 5. c. 7. + +The party which was assembled on Christmas Day in Chainmail Hall +comprised all the guests of Crotchet Castle, some of Mr. +Chainmail's other neighbours, all his tenants and domestics, and +Captain Fitzchrome. The hall was spacious and lofty; and with its +tall fluted pillars and pointed arches, its windows of stained +glass, its display of arms and banners intermingled with holly and +mistletoe, its blazing cressets and torches, and a stupendous fire +in the centre, on which blocks of pine were flaming and crackling, +had a striking effect on eyes unaccustomed to such a dining-room. +The fire was open on all sides, and the smoke was caught and +carried back under a funnel-formed canopy into a hollow central +pillar. This fire was the line of demarcation between gentle and +simple on days of high festival. Tables extended from it on two +sides to nearly the end of the hall. + +Mrs. Chainmail was introduced to the company. Young Crotchet felt +some revulsion of feeling at the unexpected sight of one whom he +had forsaken, but not forgotten, in a condition apparently so much +happier than his own. The lady held out her hand to him with a +cordial look of more than forgiveness; it seemed to say that she +had much to thank him for. She was the picture of a happy bride, +rayonnante de joie et d'amour. + +Mr. Crotchet told the Reverend Doctor Folliott the news of the +morning. "As you predicted," he said, "your friend, the learned +friend, is in office; he has also a title; he is now Sir Guy de +Vaux." + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Thank heaven for that! he is disarmed from +further mischief. It is something, at any rate, to have that +hollow and wind-shaken reed rooted up for ever from the field of +public delusion. + +MR. CROTCHET. I suppose, Doctor, you do not like to see a great +reformer in office; you are afraid for your vested interests. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Not I, indeed, sir; my vested interests are +very safe from all such reformers as the learned friend. I +vaticinate what will be the upshot of all his schemes of reform. +He will make a speech of seven hours' duration, and this will be +its quintessence: that, seeing the exceeding difficulty of putting +salt on the bird's tail, it will be expedient to consider the best +method of throwing dust in the bird's eyes. All the rest will be + + +[Greek text in verse] + + +as Aristophanes has it; and so I leave him, in Nephelococcygia. + +Mr. Mac Quedy came up to the divine as Mr. Crotchet left him, and +said: "There is one piece of news which the old gentleman has not +told you. The great firm of Catchflat and Company, in which young +Crotchet is a partner, has stopped payment." + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Bless me! that accounts for the young +gentleman's melancholy. I thought they would overreach themselves +with their own tricks. The day of reckoning, Mr. Mac Quedy, is the +point which your paper-money science always leaves out of view. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. I do not see, sir, that the failure of Catchflat +and Company has anything to do with my science. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. It has this to do with it, sir, that you would +turn the whole nation into a great paper-money shop, and take no +thought of the day of reckoning. But the dinner is coming. I +think you, who are so fond of paper promises, should dine on the +bill of fare. + +The harper at the head of the hall struck up an ancient march, and +the dishes were brought in, in grand procession. + +The boar's head, garnished with rosemary, with a citron in its +mouth, led the van. Then came tureens of plum-porridge; then a +series of turkeys, and in the midst of them an enormous sausage, +which it required two men to carry. Then came geese and capons, +tongues and hams, the ancient glory of the Christmas pie, a +gigantic plum pudding, a pyramid of mince pies, and a baron of beef +bringing up the rear. + +"It is something new under the sun," said the divine, as he sat +down, "to see a great dinner without fish." + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Fish was for fasts in the twelfth century. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Well, sir, I prefer our reformed system of +putting fasts and feasts together. Not but here is ample +indemnity. + +Ale and wine flowed in abundance. The dinner passed off merrily: +the old harper playing all the while the oldest music in his +repertory. The tables being cleared, he indemnified himself for +lost time at the lower end of the hall, in company with the old +butler and the other domestics, whose attendance on the banquet had +been indispensable. + +The scheme of Christmas gambols, which Mr. Chainmail had laid for +the evening, was interrupted by a tremendous clamour without. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. What have we here? Mummers? + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Nay, I know not. I expect none. + +"Who is there?" he added, approaching the door of the hall. + +"Who is there?" vociferated the divine, with the voice of Stentor. + +"Captain Swing," replied a chorus of discordant voices. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Ho, ho! here is a piece of the dark ages we did +not bargain for. Here is the Jacquerie. Here is the march of mind +with a witness. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Do you not see that you have brought disparates +together? the Jacquerie and the march of mind. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Not at all, sir. They are the same thing, +under different names. [Greek text]. What was Jacquerie in the +dark ages is the march of mind in this very enlightened one--very +enlightened one. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. The cause is the same in both; poverty in despair. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Very likely; but the effect is extremely +disagreeable. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. It is the natural result, Mr. Mac Quedy, of +that system of state seamanship which your science upholds. +Putting the crew on short allowance, and doubling the rations of +the officers, is the sure way to make a mutiny on board a ship in +distress, Mr. Mac Quedy. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Eh! sir, I uphold no such system as that. I shall +set you right as to cause and effect. Discontent arises with the +increase of information. That is all. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I said it was the march of mind. But we have +not time for discussing cause and effect now. Let us get rid of +the enemy. + +And he vociferated at the top of his voice, "What do you want +here?" "Arms, arms," replied a hundred voices, "Give us the arms." + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. You see, Mr. Chainmail, this is the +inconvenience of keeping an armoury not fortified with sand bags, +green bags, and old bags of all kinds. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Just give them the old spits and toasting irons, +and they will go away quietly. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. My spears and swords! not without my life. These +assailants are all aliens to my land and house. My men will fight +for me, one and all. This is the fortress of beef and ale. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Eh! sir, when the rabble is up, it is very +indiscriminating. You are e'en suffering for the sins of Sir Simon +Steeltrap and the like, who have pushed the principle of +accumulation a little too far. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. The way to keep the people down is kind and liberal +usage. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. That is very well (where it can be afforded) in the +way of prevention; but in the way of cure the operation must be +more drastic. (Taking down a battle-axe.) I would fain have a +good blunderbuss charged with slugs. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. When I suspended these arms for ornament, I never +dreamed of their being called into use. + +MR. SKIONAR. Let me address them. I never failed to convince an +audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Eh! sir, I can bring them to that conclusion in +less time than you. + +MR. CROTCHET. I have no fancy for fighting. It is a very hard +case upon a guest, when the latter end of a feast is the beginning +of a fray. + +MR. MAC QUEDY. Give them the old iron. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Give them the weapons! Pessimo, medius fidius, +exemplo. Forbid it the spirit of Frere Jean des Entommeures! No! +let us see what the church militant, in the armour of the twelfth +century, will do against the march of mind. Follow me who will, +and stay who list. Here goes: Pro aris et focis! that is, for +tithe pigs and fires to roast them. + +He clapped a helmet on his head, seized a long lance, threw open +the gates, and tilted out on the rabble, side by side with Mr. +Chainmail, followed by the greater portion of the male inmates of +the hall, who had armed themselves at random. + +The rabble-rout, being unprepared for such a sortie, fled in all +directions, over hedge and ditch. + +Mr. Trillo stayed in the hall, playing a march on the harp, to +inspirit the rest to sally out. The water-loving Mr. Philpot had +diluted himself with so much wine as to be quite hors de combat. +Mr. Toogood, intending to equip himself in purely defensive armour, +contrived to slip a ponderous coat of mail over his shoulders, +which pinioned his arms to his sides; and in this condition, like a +chicken trussed for roasting, he was thrown down behind a pillar in +the first rush of the sortie. Mr. Crotchet seized the occurrence +as a pretext for staying with him, and passed the whole time of the +action in picking him out of his shell. + +"Phew!" said the divine, returning; "an inglorious victory; but it +deserves a devil and a bowl of punch." + +MR. CHAINMAIL. A wassail-bowl. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No, sir. No more of the twelfth century for +me. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Nay, Doctor. The twelfth century has backed you +well. Its manners and habits, its community of kind feelings +between master and man, are the true remedy for these ebullitions. + +MR. TOOGOOD. Something like it: improved by my diagram: arts for +arms. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. No wassail-bowl for me. Give me an +unsophisticated bowl of punch, which belongs to that blissful +middle period, after the Jacquerie was down, and before the march +of mind was up. But, see, who is floundering in the water? + +Proceeding to the edge of the moat, they fished up Mr. Firedamp, +who had missed his way back, and tumbled in. He was drawn out, +exclaiming, "that he had taken his last dose of malaria in this +world." + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Tut, man; dry clothes, a turkey's leg and rump, +well devilled, and a quart of strong punch, will set all to rights. + +"Wood embers," said Mr. Firedamp, when he had been accommodated +with a change of clothes, "there is no antidote to malaria like the +smoke of wood embers; pine embers." And he placed himself, with +his mouth open, close by the fire. + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. Punch, sir, punch: there is no antidote like +punch. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. Well, Doctor, you shall be indulged. But I shall +have my wassail-bowl, nevertheless. + +An immense bowl of spiced wine, with roasted apples hissing on its +surface, was borne into the hall by four men, followed by an empty +bowl of the same dimensions, with all the materials of arrack +punch, for the divine's especial brewage. He accinged himself to +the task with his usual heroism, and having finished it to his +entire satisfaction, reminded his host to order in the devil + +REV. DR. FOLLIOTT. I think, Mr. Chainmail, we can amuse ourselves +very well here all night. The enemy may be still excubant: and we +had better not disperse till daylight. I am perfectly satisfied +with my quarters. Let the young folk go on with their gambols; let +them dance to your old harper's minstrelsy; and if they please to +kiss under the mistletoe, whereof I espy a goodly bunch suspended +at the end of the hall, let those who like it not leave it to those +who do. Moreover, if among the more sedate portion of the +assembly, which, I foresee, will keep me company, there were any to +revive the good old custom of singing after supper, so to fill up +the intervals of the dances, the steps of night would move more +lightly. + +MR. CHAINMAIL. My Susan will set the example, after she has set +that of joining in the rustic dance, according to good customs long +departed. + +After the first dance, in which all classes of the company mingled, +the young lady of the mansion took her harp, and following the +reverend gentleman's suggestion, sang a song of the twelfth +century. + + +FLORENCE AND BLANCHFLOR. + +Florence and Blanchflor, loveliest maids, +Within a summer grove, +Amid the flower-enamelled shades +Together talked of love. + +A clerk sweet Blanchflor's heart had gain'd; +Fair Florence loved a knight: +And each with ardent voice maintained +She loved the worthiest wight. + +Sweet Blanchflor praised her scholar dear, +As courteous, kind, and true! +Fair Florence said her chevalier +Could every foe subdue. + +And Florence scorned the bookworm vain, +Who sword nor spear could raise; +And Blanchflor scorned the unlettered brain +Could sing no lady's praise. + +From dearest love, the maidens bright +To deadly hatred fell, +Each turned to shun the other's sight, +And neither said farewell. + +The king of birds, who held his court +Within that flowery grove, +Sang loudly: "'Twill be rare disport +To judge this suit of love." + +Before him came the maidens bright, +With all his birds around, +To judge the cause, if clerk or knight +In love be worthiest found. + +The falcon and the sparrow-hawk +Stood forward for the fight: +Ready to do, and not to talk, +They voted for the knight. + +And Blanchflor's heart began to fail, +Till rose the strong-voiced lark, +And, after him, the nightingale, +And pleaded for the clerk. + +The nightingale prevailed at length, +Her pleading had such charms; +So eloquence can conquer strength, +And arts can conquer arms. + +The lovely Florence tore her hair, +And died upon the place; +And all the birds assembled there +Bewailed the mournful case. + +They piled up leaves and flowerets rare +Above the maiden bright, +And sang: "Farewell to Florence fair, +Who too well loved her knight." + + +Several others of the party sang in the intervals of the dances. +Mr. Chainmail handed to Mr. Trillo another ballad of the twelfth +century, of a merrier character than the former. Mr. Trillo +readily accommodated it with an air, and sang: + + +THE PRIEST AND THE MULBERRY TREE. + +Did you hear of the curate who mounted his mare, +And merrily trotted along to the fair? +Of creature more tractable none ever heard; +In the height of her speed she would stop at a word, +And again with a word, when the curate said Hey, +She put forth her mettle, and galloped away. + +As near to the gates of the city he rode, +While the sun of September all brilliantly glowed, +The good priest discovered, with eyes of desire, +A mulberry tree in a hedge of wild briar, +On boughs long and lofty, in many a green shoot, +Hung large, black, and glossy, the beautiful fruit. + +The curate was hungry, and thirsty to boot; +He shrunk from the thorns, though he longed for the fruit; +With a word he arrested his courser's keen speed, +And he stood up erect on the back of his steed; +On the saddle he stood, while the creature stood still, +And he gathered the fruit, till he took his good fill. + +"Sure never," he thought, "was a creature so rare, +So docile, so true, as my excellent mare. +Lo, here, how I stand" (and he gazed all around), +"As safe and as steady as if on the ground, +Yet how had it been, if some traveller this way, +Had, dreaming no mischief, but chanced to cry Hey?" + +He stood with his head in the mulberry tree, +And he spoke out aloud in his fond reverie. +At the sound of the word, the good mare made a push, +And down went the priest in the wild-briar bush. +He remembered too late, on his thorny green bed, +Much that well may be thought cannot wisely be said. + + +Lady Clarinda, being prevailed on to take the harp in her turn, +sang the following stanzas. + + +In the days of old, +Lovers felt true passion, +Deeming years of sorrow +By a smile repaid. +Now the charms of gold, +Spells of pride and fashion, +Bid them say good morrow +To the best-loved maid. + +Through the forests wild, +O'er the mountains lonely, +They were never weary +Honour to pursue. +If the damsel smiled +Once in seven years only, +All their wanderings dreary +Ample guerdon knew. + +Now one day's caprice +Weighs down years of smiling, +Youthful hearts are rovers, +Love is bought and sold: +Fortune's gifts may cease, +Love is less beguiling; +Wisest were the lovers +In the days of old. + + +The glance which she threw at the captain, as she sang the last +verse, awakened his dormant hopes. Looking round for his rival, he +saw that he was not in the hall; and, approaching the lady of his +heart, he received one of the sweetest smiles of their earlier +days. + +After a time, the ladies, and all the females of the party, +retired. The males remained on duty with punch and wassail, and +dropped off one by one into sweet forgetfulness; so that when the +rising sun of December looked through the painted windows on +mouldering embers and flickering lamps, the vaulted roof was +echoing to a mellifluous concert of noses, from the clarionet of +the waiting-boy at one end of the hall, to the double bass of the +Reverend Doctor, ringing over the empty punch-bowl, at the other. + + + +CONCLUSION + + + +From this eventful night, young Crotchet was seen no more on +English mould. Whither he had vanished was a question that could +no more be answered in his case than in that of King Arthur after +the battle of Camlan. The great firm of Catchflat and Company +figured in the Gazette, and paid sixpence in the pound; and it was +clear that he had shrunk from exhibiting himself on the scene of +his former greatness, shorn of the beams of his paper prosperity. +Some supposed him to be sleeping among the undiscoverable secrets +of some barbel-pool in the Thames; but those who knew him best were +more inclined to the opinion that he had gone across the Atlantic, +with his pockets full of surplus capital, to join his old +acquaintance, Mr. Touchandgo, in the bank of Dotandcarryonetown. + +Lady Clarinda was more sorry for her father's disappointment than +her own; but she had too much pride to allow herself to be put up a +second time in the money-market; and when the Captain renewed his +assiduities, her old partiality for him, combining with a sense of +gratitude for a degree of constancy which she knew she scarcely +deserved, induced her, with Lord Foolincourt's hard-wrung consent, +to share with him a more humble, but less precarious fortune, than +that to which she had been destined as the price of a rotten +borough. + + + +Footnotes: + +{1} A mountain-wandering maid, +Twin-nourished with the solitary wood. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Crotchet Castle, by Thomas Love Peacock + diff --git a/old/ccstl10.zip b/old/ccstl10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e43879d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ccstl10.zip |