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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103,
+December 10, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 10, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: March 7, 2007 [EBook #20759]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103
+
+
+
+December 10, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.
+
+The Smoking-Room (_continued_).
+
+I MAY assume, that after the terrible example given in my last chapter,
+you have firmly made up your mind never on any account to take service
+in the great army of bores. But this determination is not all that is
+necessary. A man must constantly keep a strict guard on himself, lest he
+should unconsciously deviate even for a few minutes into the regions of
+boredom. Whatever you do, let nothing tempt you to relate more than once
+any grievance you may have. Nothing of course is more poisonous to the
+aggrieved one than to stifle his grievance absolutely. Once, and once
+only, he may produce it to his friends. I shall be blamed, perhaps, for
+making even this slight concession. Please be careful, therefore, not to
+abuse it. Is there in the whole world a more ridiculous sight than a
+strong, healthy, well-fed sportsman who wearies his companions one after
+another with the depressing recital of his ill-luck, or of the dastardly
+behaviour of the head-keeper in not stopping the whole party for half an
+hour to search for an imaginary bird, which is supposed to have fallen
+stone-dead somewhere or other; or of the iniquities of the man from whom
+he bought his cartridges in not loading them with the right charge; or
+any of the hundred inconveniences and injuries to which sportsmen are
+liable. All these things may be as he says they are. He may be the most
+unfortunate, the most unjustly treated of mankind. But why insist upon
+it? Why check the current of sympathy by the dam of constant repetition?
+And, after all, how trivial and absurd the whole thing is! Even a man
+whose career has been ruined by malicious persecution will be avoided
+like a pest if it is known that he dins the account of his wrongs into
+everyone's ears. How, then, shall the sufferer by the petty injuries of
+ordinary sport be listened to with patience? Of all bores, the
+grievancemonger is the fiercest and worst. Lay this great truth by in
+your memory, and be mindful of it in more important matters than sport
+when the occasion arises.
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+I have been asked to say, whether a man may abuse his gun? I reply
+emphatically, no. A gun is not a mere ordinary machine. Its beautiful
+arrangement of locks, and springs, and catches, and bolts, and pins, and
+screws, its unaccountable perversities, its occasional fits of
+sulkiness, its lovely brown complexion, and its capacity both for
+kicking and for smoking, all prove that a gun is in reality a sentient
+being of a very high order of intelligence. You may be quite certain
+that if you abuse your gun, even when you may imagine it to be far out
+of earshot, comfortably cleaned and put to roost on its rack, your gun
+will resent it. Why are most sportsmen so silent, so _distraits_ at
+breakfast? Why do they dally with a scrap of fish, and linger over the
+consumption of a small kidney, and drink great draughts of tea to
+restore their equilibrium? If you ask them, they will tell you that it's
+because they're "just a bit chippy," owing to sitting up late, or
+smoking too much, or forgetting to drink a whiskey and soda before they
+went to bed. I know better. It is because they incautiously spoke evil
+of their guns, and their guns retaliated by haunting their sleep. I
+_know_ guns have this power of projecting horrible emanations of
+themselves into the slumbers of sportsmen who have not treated them as
+they deserved. I have suffered from it myself. It was only last week
+that, having said something derogatory to the dignity of my second gun,
+I woke with a start at two o'clock in the morning, and found its wraith
+going through the most horrible antics in a patch of moonlight on my
+bed-room floor. I shot with that gun on the following day, and missed
+nearly everything I shot at. Could there be a more convincing proof?
+Take my advice, therefore, and abstain from abusing your gun.
+
+Now your typical smoking-room conversation ought always to include the
+following subjects:--(1) The wrong-headed, unpopular man, whom every
+district possesses, and who is always at loggerheads with somebody; (2)
+"The best shot in England," who is to be found in every country-side,
+and in whose achievements all the sportsmen of his particular district
+take a patriotic pride; (3) the folly and wickedness of those who talk
+or write ignorantly against any kind of sport; (4) the deficiency of
+hares due to the rascally provisions of the Hares and Rabbits Act; (5) a
+few reminiscences, slightly glorified, of the particular day's sport;
+and (6) a prolonged argument on the relative merits of the old plan of
+shooting birds over dogs, and the modern methods of walking them up or
+driving. These are not the only, but certainly the chief ingredients.
+Let me give you an example, drawn from my note-book.
+
+SCENE--_The Smoking-room of a Country-house in December. Six Sportsmen
+in Smoking-coats. Time_, 11.15 P.M.
+
+_First Sportsman_ (_concluding a harangue_). All I can say is, I never
+read such rot in all my life. Why, the fellow doesn't know a gun from a
+cartridge-bag. I'm perfectly sick of reading that everlasting rubbish
+about "pampered minions of the aristocracy slaughtering the unresisting
+pheasant in his thousands at battues." I wonder what the beggars imagine
+a rocketing pheasant is like? I should like to have seen one of 'em
+outside Chivy Wood to-day. I never saw taller birds in my life. Talk of
+_them_ being easy! Why, a pheasant gets ever so much more show for his
+money when he's beaten over the guns. If they simply walk him up, he
+hasn't got a thousand to one chance. Bah!
+
+                                            [_Drinks from a long glass._
+
+_Second Sportsman._ I saw in some paper the other day what the President
+of the United States thought about English battue-shooting. Seemed to
+think we shot pheasants perched in the trees, and went on to say that
+wasn't the sport for _him; he_ liked to go after his game, and find it
+for himself. Who the deuce cares if he does? If he can't talk better
+sense than that, no wonder CLEVELAND beat him in the election.
+
+_Third Sp._ Pure rubbish, of course. Still I must say, apart from
+pheasants, I like the old plan of letting your dogs work. It's far more
+sport than walking up partridges in line, or getting them driven at you.
+
+_First Sp._ My dear fellow, I don't agree with you a bit. In the first
+place, as to driving--driven birds are fifty times more difficult; and
+what's the use of wasting time with setters or pointers in ordinary
+root-fields. It's all sentiment.
+
+    [A long and animated discussion ensues. This particular
+     subject never fails to provoke a tremendous argument.
+
+    (_A few minutes later._)
+
+_Second Sp._ (_to the host_). What was the bag to-day, CHALMERS?
+
+_Chalmers._ A hundred and forty-five pheasants, fifty-six rabbits,
+eleven hares, three pigeons, and a woodcock. We should have got a
+hundred and eighty pheasants if they hadn't dodged us in the big wood. I
+can't make out where they went.
+
+_Second Sp._ It's a deuced difficult wood to beat, that is. I thought we
+should have got more hares, all the same.
+
+_Chalmers._ Hares! I think I'm precious lucky to get so many nowadays.
+There won't be a hare left in a year or two.
+
+    (_The discussion proceeds._)
+
+_Third Sp._ How's old JOHNNY RAIKES shooting this year? I never saw such
+a chap for rocketers. They can't escape him.
+
+_Chalmers._ I asked him to-day, but he couldn't come. I think for
+pheasants he's quite the best shot in England. Nobody can beat him at
+that game.
+
+_Fourth Sp._ Hasn't he got some row or other on with =Crackside=?
+
+_Chalmers._ Yes. That makes fourteen rows =Crackside= has got going on
+all at once. He seems to revel in them. His latest move was to refuse to
+pay tithe, and when the parson levied a distress, he made all his
+tenants drunk and walked at their head blowing a post-horn. He's as mad
+as a hatter.
+
+So there you have a sample conversation, sketched in outline. You will
+find it accurate enough. All you have to do is to select for yourself
+the part you mean to play in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Something to Live For.
+
+(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._)
+
+    _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in
+     order to write My Reminiscences?
+
+    _Amicus._ Ah, but remember, "_De mortuis nil nisi
+     bonum._"
+
+    _Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but
+    exceedingly good stories about them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    SO LIKE HER!--"I can never trust him," said Mrs. R.,
+    alluding to a friend of hers, who considered himself
+    well up in SHAKSPEARE, "because I've found out before
+    now that he gargles his quotations."
+
+    NOTE.--"The Man who Would," _will_ appear next week. No. IV.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+      =THE RHODES COLOSSUS=
+
+      STRIDING FROM CAPE TOWN TO CAIRO.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RHODES COLOSSUS.
+
+    ["Mr. RHODES announced that it was his intention, either
+    with the help of his friends or by himself, to continue
+    the telegraph northwards, across the Zambesi, through
+    Nyassaland, and along Lake Tanganyika to Uganda. Nor is
+    this all.... This colossal _Monte Cristo_ means to cross
+    the Soudan ... and to complete the overland telegraph
+    line from Cape Town to Cairo; that is, from England to
+    the whole of her possessions or colonies, or 'spheres of
+    influence' in Africa."--_The Times._]
+
+
+  THE World's Seven Wonders are surely outshone!
+    On Marvel World's billows 'twill toss us--'twill toss us,
+  To watch him, Director and Statesman in one,
+    This Seven-League-Booted Colossus--Colossus!
+  Combining in one supernatural blend
+    Plain Commerce and Imagination--gination;
+  O'er Africa striding from dark end to end,
+    To forward black emancipation--cipation.
+
+  Brobdingnagian Bagman, big Dreamer of Dreams.
+    A Titan of tact and shrewd trader--shrewd trader!
+  A diplomat full of _finesse_ and sharp schemes,
+    With a touch of the pious Crusader--Crusader!
+  A "Dealer" with despots, a "Squarer" of Kings,
+    A jumper of mountain, lake, wilderness, wady,
+  And manager 'cute of such troublesome things
+    As LOBENGULA or the MAHDI--the MAHDI.
+
+  Well may ABERCORN wonder and FIFE tootle praise,
+    His two thousand hearers raise cheering--raise cheering.
+  Of wild would-be Scuttlers he proves the mad craze,
+    And of Governments prone to small-beering--small-beering.
+  Sullen Boers may prove bores to a man of less tact,
+    A duffer funk wiles Portuguesy--tuguesy;
+  But Dutchmen, black potentates, all sorts, in fact,
+    To RHODES the astute come quite easy--quite easy.
+
+  The British South-African Company's shares
+    _May_ be at a discount--(Trade-martyrs!--trade-martyrs!)--
+  But he, our Colossus, strides on, he declares,
+    Whether with or without chums or charters--or charters.
+  Hooray! We brave Britons are still to the front--
+    Provided we've someone to boss us--to boss us;
+  And Scuttlers will have their work cut out to shunt
+    This stalwart, far-striding Colossus--Colossus!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+     =A HEARTY WELCOME.=
+
+     _Local Flyman_ (_who also officiates at Funerals_).
+     "Mornin', Sir. Glad to see you out again! Really thought
+     I should 'a' had the honor of drivin' you to the
+     cemetery, Sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAXES. A HOARDING AND SAVING CLAUSE.--_A propos_ of an article in the
+_Times_ on this subject, and a paragraph of _Mr. Punch's_, last week,
+anent "Hoardings," we may now put a supplementary question in this form,
+"As Government taxes _Savings_, would it not be quite consistent to tax
+_Hoardings_?" Since the answer must, logically, be in the affirmative,
+let Government begin at once with all the Hoardings displaying any kind
+of hideous pictorial advertisement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HE rumbles so in his conversation," observed Mrs. R. of an orator whose
+sentences were considerably involved, "that I can seldom catch the grist
+of what he says."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRACTICAL THEOSOPHY.
+
+MRS. BESANT is said to have told a representative of a daily paper, that
+"an adept in Theosophy uses his supernatural powers solely for his own
+convenience, just as ordinary people avail themselves of a messenger, or
+the telephone or telegraph."
+
+We have it on the very best of authority that the discharge of handbills
+from aerial bombs is to be entirely surpassed as a method for
+advertising a commodity, by a new and protected process.
+
+"A Company is being formed," so runs the prospectus, "for the express
+purpose of importing Mahatmas of the very best vintage (guaranteed
+_extra sec_), direct from Thibet, where an exceptionally luxuriant crop
+has been produced during past years.
+
+"They will be shipped to any port in the United Kingdom, and delivered
+to any address, carriage free, at prices which will compare most
+favourably with those quoted by foreign firms for inferior articles.
+
+"The trade supplied by special contract.
+
+"They will prove invaluable to advertisers and others.
+
+"No family should be without one. Order early.
+
+"They can be used for a variety of purposes; but they will be found most
+particularly serviceable for distributing handbills and posters,
+especially in inaccessible places.
+
+"_Domestic servants entirely superseded by them._
+
+"Prompt and accurate delivery of any object may be effected by their
+agency, owing to their marvellous powers of precipitation.
+
+"Full instructions for working, and instruments for repairing, supplied
+with each specimen.
+
+"Not liable to get out of order.
+
+"Safe in the hands of a child. Yet they are not toys.
+
+"Procurable of any respectable Lunatic Asylum.
+
+"Ask for Our Brand, and see that you get none other.
+
+"Beware of worthless foreign imitations, which dishonest dealers will
+try to foist upon you.
+
+
+  "Of Mahatmas young, and Mahatmas old,
+  Of Mahatmas meek, and Mahatmas bold,
+  Of Mahatmas gentle, and Mahatmas rough,
+  We lay long odds that we'll sell enough."
+
+
+The financial column of the Journal of the Future, we may expect, will
+read somewhat as follows:--"Mahatmas opened weak, but slowly advanced a
+third. Later they became stronger, and closed firm at 8-1/4.
+Latest--Mahatmas fell rapidly."
+
+_Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARITY BEGINS ABROAD.--The following advertisement (which recently
+appeared in the _Times_) has been sent for solution:--
+
+    GENTLEMAN, with knowledge of business and disposing of
+    100,000 francs, is desirous of REPRESENTING, either in
+    Europe, Africa, America, or elsewhere, a serious FIRM,
+    capable of giving important profits. Offers to be
+    addressed, &c.
+
+In reply to this appeal, _Mr. Punch_ begs to say that "the gentleman
+with knowledge of business" seems to be anxious to act as an _alter ego_
+to a serious (not a jocular) firm "capable of giving profits."
+"GENTLEMAN" does not specify whose profits the serious firm is capable
+of giving, and thus it may be presumed that the 100,000 francs would
+form the capital with which the charitable transaction would be
+conducted. This is the more probable as "GENTLEMAN" says he knows how to
+dispose of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL ROUND THE FAIR.
+
+No. IV.
+
+The Irish Giant Baby "At Home."
+
+    The exterior of the Show is painted to represent a
+    Cottage, and bears the highly improbable name of "Polly
+    O'Gracious," with an even less credible announcement
+    that this is the identical "little cot where she was
+    born." Inside is an ordinary tent, with a rough platform
+    at the further end, whereon is an empty chair, at which
+    a group of small Boys, two or three young Women, and
+    some middle-aged Farm-labourers, have been solemnly and
+    patiently staring for the last quarter of an hour.
+
+_First Farm Labourer_ (_to Second_). I bin in 'ere 'bout erf an hour, I
+hev, and ain't seed nowt so fur!
+
+_Second F. L._ Same 'ere! Seems to take 'em a proper good time a-gittin'
+o' this 'ere baby claned up!
+
+_First F. L._ Ah, it do. But look at the _size_ on her!
+
+_Second F. L._ Size! They cudn't be no slower not with a hellyphant!
+
+    [The tedium is relieved by a very audible dispute
+    outside between the Driver of the Baby's Caravan and the
+    Wife of the Conjuror next door, who appears to have
+    excited the Driver's displeasure by consenting to take
+    the money in the absence of the Baby's proprietress.
+
+_The Driver_ (_with dignity_). I consider it a bloomin' liberty, and a
+downright piece of himpertinence, you comin' 'ere interferin' with with
+my business--and so I tell yer!
+
+_The Lady_ (_with more dignity_). I'm not taking no liberties with
+nobody--she ast me to it, or I shoudn't _be_ 'ere--_I_ don't want to
+take the money, not without bein' ast to do so. She come and ast me to
+take her place while she was away, and in course _I_ wasn't goin' to say
+no.
+
+_Driver._ Don't you tork to me. I know what _you_ are, puttin' yerself
+forward whenever yer can--a goin' tellin' the people on the road as you
+was the Baby's mother!
+
+_The Lady._ I never said no such thing! Why should I want to tell sech a
+story for?
+
+_Driver._ Arsk yourself--not me. And p'raps you never said you 'ad
+valuable property in our waggin' neither.
+
+_Lady_ (_apparently cut to the heart by this accusation_). It's a
+false'ood! I never 'ad no valuable property in your waggin', nor yet
+nobody else's; and I'll thank you to keep your distance, and not go
+raggin' me.
+
+_Driver_ (_edging nearer_), I'll keep _my_ distance. But don't you make
+no mistake--I'm not to be _played_ with! I'm sick o' your goin's on. And
+then(_reviving a rankling and mysterious grievance_) to think o' you a
+comin' mincin' up on the road with yer(_mimicking_), "Oh, yus, Mrs.
+FAIRCHILD, there's a blacksmith jest across the way!" What call 'ad you
+got to shove _your_ nose in like that, eh? you're a interferin' cat,
+that's what _you_ are!
+
+    [The Conjuror's Lady is moved to the verge of tears and
+    assault, and her wrath is only assuaged by the arrival
+    of the missing Proprietress, who patches up a temporary
+    peace; presently the hangings at the back are parted,
+    and an immensely stout child, dressed in an infant's
+    frock, waddles in, hoists herself on the platform and
+    into the chair, from which she regards the Spectators
+    with stolid composure; the small boys edge back, nudge
+    one another and snigger furtively; the girls say "Oh,
+    lor!" in a whisper, and a painful silence follows.
+
+_A Middle-aged Labourer_ (_feeling the awkwardness of the situation_).
+'Ow old may you be, Missy?
+
+_The Giant Baby_ (_with a snap_). Ten!
+
+    [She gazes all round with the hauteur peculiar to a
+    phenomenon, and her visitors are only relieved from the
+    strain by the timely appearance of the Exhibitor, a
+    Mulatto lady, who gives a brief biographical sketch of
+    the Infant's career, with details of her weight and
+    measurements. Then Miss POLLY sings a stanza
+    of "Little Annie Rooney" in a phonographic manner,
+    dances a few ponderous steps, and identifies the most
+    sheepish youth in the audience--much to his
+    embarrassment--as her sweetheart, after which her
+    audience is permitted to shake hands with her and
+    depart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Prize Lottery.
+
+    A Young Man in a light suit, and a paste pin in a dirty
+    white necktie, has arrived with a chest, from which he
+    extracts a quantity of small parcels in coloured
+    tissue-paper.
+
+_The Young Man_ (_as a group collects around him_). Now, I'm 'ere to
+orfer those among yer who 'ave the courage to embark in speckilation an
+unrivalled opportunity of enriching themselves at next to no expense.
+Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' more or less
+value, amongst them bein', I may tell yer, two 'undred threepenny
+pieces, not to mention 'igher coins up to 'arf a sov'rin. Mind, I
+promise nothing--I only say this: that those who show confidence in me
+I'll reward beyond their utmost expectations.( _To an_ Agricultural
+Labourer _in the circle._) 'Ere, you Sir, 'ave you ever seen me before
+in all your life?
+
+    [Illustration:
+     "Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o'
+     more or less value."]
+
+_The Agricultural Labourer_ (_with a conscientious fear of committing
+himself_). I _may_ 'ave.
+
+_The Young Man._ You _may_ 'ave! '_Ave_ you? 'Ave _I_ ever seen _you_?
+Come now!
+
+_The Agr. L._ (_cautiously_). I carn't answer fur what you've _seen_,
+Sir.
+
+_The Y. M._ Well, are you a friend o' mine?
+
+_The A. L._ (_after inward searchings_). Not as I'm aweer on.
+
+_The Y. M._ Then take this packet.(_The_ A. L. _grins and hesitates._)
+Give me a penny for it.(_The_ A. L. _hangs back._) Do as I _say_! (_His
+tone is so peremptory that the_ A. L. _hastens to obey._) Now don't open
+that till I tell you, and don't go away--or I shall throw the money
+after yer. (_The_ A. L. _remains in meek expectation;_ Old Billy
+Fairplay, _and a_ Spotty-faced Man, _happen to pass; and join the group
+out of innocent curiosity._) Will _you_ give me a penny for this, Sir?
+(_To the Spotty-faced One, who shakes his head._) To oblige Me! (_This
+is said in such an insinuating tone, that it is impossible to resist
+him._) Now you've shown your confidence in me, will you open that packet
+and show the company what it contains.
+
+_The Spotty-faced Man_ (_undoing the packet_). There's nothink inside o'
+mine--it's a reg'lar do!
+
+    [_Roars of laughter._
+
+_The Y. M._ Quite right--there _was_ nothink inside o' thet partickler
+packet. I put it there a-purpose, as a test. But I don't want nobody to
+go away dissatisfied with my manner o' doin' business, and, though I
+ain't promised yer nothing, I'll show yer I'm better than my word, and
+them as trusts me'll find no reason to repent of 'aving done so. 'Ere's
+your original penny back, Sir, and one, two, _three_ more atop of
+that--wait, I ain't done with yer yet--'ere's sixpence more, because
+I've took a fancy to yer face--and _now_ I 'ope you're satisfied!
+
+_The Sp.-F. M._ (_in an explanatory undertone to his neighbours_). I
+knew it's on'y them as comes last thet gits left, d' yer see!
+
+    [_Several bystanders hasten to purchase._
+
+_Old Billy Fairplay_ (_in an injured tone_). There ain't on'y a
+three-penny-bit in mine!
+
+_The Y. M._ 'Ark at 'im--there's a discontented ole josser for yer! I
+carn't put 'arf a sov'rin' in _all_ o' the packets, not and make my
+expenses. P'raps you'll 'ave better luck next time.
+
+    [_The packets are in more demand than ever._
+
+_The Agr. L._ May I open this 'ere packet now, Master?
+
+_The Y. M._ If you don't tell nobody what's in it, you may. I've sold as
+many as I keer to a' ready.
+
+_The Agr. L._ (_opening the parcel, and finding a toy-watch of the value
+of one farthing sterling_). 'Ere, I'll give yer this back--'tain't no
+good to me!
+
+_The Y. M._ (_with concern_). I'm reelly very sorry, Sir, I've given you
+a wrong 'un by mistake. I _quite_ fancied as----Allow me to apologise,
+and, as a proof I 'aven't lost your good opinion, give me a penny for
+this one.
+
+    [_He selects a packet with great care from the heap._
+
+_The A. L._ You don't take me in no moor--I'd sooner make ye a _present_
+o' the penny!
+
+_The Y. M._ (_wounded_). Don't talk like that, Sir--you'll be sorry for
+it afterwards! (_In a whisper._) It's all right _this_ time, s'elp me!
+
+_The A. L._ I know as it's a kitch o' some sort ... --hows'ever, jest
+this once. (_He purchases another packet, and is rewarded by an
+eyeglass, constructed of cardboard and coloured gelatine, which he
+flings into the circle in a fury._) 'Tis nobbut a darned swindle--and
+I've done wi' ye! Ye're all a pack o' rogues together!
+
+    [Exit, amidst laughter from the rest, whose confidence,
+    however, has been rewarded by very similar results.
+
+_The Y. M._ He don't know what he's lost by givin' way to his narsty
+temper--but there, _I_ forgive 'im! (_He begins to replace the remaining
+parcels in the chest; one packet escapes his notice, and is instantly
+pounced upon by a sharp, but penniless urchin._) Now, Gentlemen, I'm
+'ere reppersentin' two Charitable Institootions--the Blind Asylum, and
+the Idjut Orfins--but I'm bloomin' sorry to say that, _this_ time, arter
+I've deducted my little trifling commission, there'll be a bloomin'
+little to 'and over to either o' them deservin' Sercieties; so, thenkin'
+you all, and wishin' you bloomin' good luck, and 'appiness and
+prosperity through life, I'll say good-bye to yer.
+
+_The Sharp Urchin_ (_after retiring to a safe distance with his booty._)
+Theer's _summat_ inside of 'un--I can 'ear un a-rartlin' ... 'ow many
+_moor_ wrops! 'Tis money, fur sartin!... (_Removes the last wrapping._)
+Nawthen but a silly owld cough-drop! (_He calls after the_ Young Man,
+_who is retreating with_ Mr. Fairplay, _and his spotty friend._) I've a
+blamed good mind to 'ave th' Lar on ye fur that, I hev--a chatin' foaks
+i' sech a way! Why don't ye act honest?
+
+    [_Is left masticating the cough-lozenge in speechless
+    indignation._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE SINS OF SOCIETY."
+
+READ yesterday, in the _Fortnightly_, this article by OUIDA. Resolved to
+follow her teachings at once. Changed my "frightful, grotesque, and
+disgraceful male costume" for the most picturesque garments I had--a
+kilt, a blue blazer, and a yellow turban, which I once wore at a fancy
+dress ball. Then strolled along Piccadilly to the Club. Rather cool.
+Having abandoned "the most vulgar form of salutation, the shake-hands,"
+bowed distantly to several men I had known for years--but they looked
+another way. Met a policeman. "Hullo!" he said. "Come out o' that! Your
+place is in the road." He mistook me for a sandwich-man! Explained that
+I was advocating a new style of dress. "Where's yer trousers?" he asked.
+"Trousers!" I cried. "Why, OUIDA"--but it was useless to explain to such
+a fool--so I left him.
+
+At the Club, immense astonishment. Again explained. Members tapped their
+foreheads, and said I had better see the Doctor. Why? Then they all
+avoided me. Grand chance to show my ability "to support solitude, and to
+endure silence." Deuced dull, but it saved me from "the poisoned
+atmosphere of crowded rooms." Began to feel hungry about lunch-time, but
+happily remembered that "it is not luxury which is enervating, it is
+over-eating." Exhausted, but virtuous. Remembered that I had to dine at
+my aunt's. Awkward! Could I go in that dress? She is so prim, and so
+prejudiced in favour of trousers. Also she is so rich, and I was her
+heir. It needs money to obtain the luxury which the great teacher
+advocates. Hurried home, and put on hateful evening dress. Avoided
+hansoms, they being too much connected with one "ugly hurry-skurry," and
+drove to my aunt's in a damp, dirty four-wheeler. Even the new moralist
+herself would have been satisfied with the slowness of that.
+
+At dinner sat between two charming women, evidently as clever as they
+were beautiful. Suddenly remembered that we "lose the subtle and fine
+flavours of our best dishes, because we consider ourselves obliged to
+converse with somebody," and after that did not speak a word. Charming
+women stared, and then each turned towards me a beautiful shoulder, and
+I saw her face no more. Was just enjoying the flavours when I
+recollected that nothing "can make even tolerable, artistically
+speaking, the sight of men and women sitting bolt upright close together
+taking their soup." We were long past the soup, but it was not too late.
+I left the table at once, and reclined elegantly on the floor, with my
+plate by my side. "AUGUSTUS," said my Aunt, "are you ill?" I shook my
+head; I could not speak, for I was just enjoying an unusually subtle
+flavour. Then one of the guests, a member of my Club, whispered to my
+aunt, and tapped his forehead. Then she tapped her forehead, and all the
+guests tapped their foreheads. I had finished that flavour, so I said,
+"My dear Aunt, I am not mad, I----" "Then," said she, "you must be
+intoxicated. Leave the house!" And, with the butler and the footmen
+escorting me to the street-door, I was obliged to do so.
+
+It is all over. I know that my Aunt will bequeath her fortune to the
+Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ancient Buildings among the
+Jews, but I am consoled by the thought that I, at least, have followed
+the noble teachings of the New Morality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHEN FOUND MAKE A NOTE OF."--By Captain SCUTTLE, to
+    British East African Co.:--"Your Room is better than
+    your Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+THE title of Mr. CONAN DOYLE'S new book, _Adventures of Sherlock
+Holmes_, is incomplete without the addition of, "And the D.D., or Dummy
+Doctor," who plays a part in the narratives analogous to that of
+"Charles, his Friend," on the stage. The book is, in many respects, a
+thriller, reminding one somewhat of _The Diary of a Late Physician_, by
+SAMUEL WARREN. This volume is handsomely got up--too handsomely--and
+profusely, too profusely, illustrated. For both romancer and reader,
+such stories are better un-illustrated. A sensational picture attracts,
+and distracts. In this collection the Baron can recommend _The Beryl
+Coronet_, _The Red-Headed League_, _The Copper Beeches_, and _The
+Speckled Band_. The best time for reading any one of these stories is
+the last thing at night, before turning in. "At such an hour, try _The
+Speckled Band_, and see how you like it," says the Bold Baron.
+
+The Baron's assistant dives into the Christmas Card Basket, and produces
+RAPHAEL TUCK AND SONS,--"Tuck," a schoolword dear to "our boys,"--who
+lead off the Christmas dance. Daintily and picturesquely got up, their
+Cards are quite full. Their Watteau Screens will serve as small
+ornaments afterwards. These "Correct Cards," with few exceptions, are
+not particularly for Christmas, but for all time. Here's Luck To RAPHAEL
+TUCK!
+
+"Todgers's could do it when it liked," and so can Messrs. HUTCHINSON &
+Co. at this Fairy Tale time, when they bring out three capital books,
+edited by ALFRED H. MILES; _i.e._, _Fifty-two Fairy Tales_, _Fifty-two
+other Stories for Boys_, and _Fifty-two other Stories for Girls_. Why
+not Fairy Tales for a holiday task, and an examination in Fairy Lore,
+with a Fairy Lore Degree for the successful candidate?
+
+Then come BLACKIE AND SONS with Plenty from HENTY--Mr. G. A. HENTY--who
+at Christmas-time is anything but a "Non-Henty-ty." _Beric the Briton_,
+_In Greek Waters_, _Condemned as a Nihilist!_--"Go it, HENTY!" The Baron
+cheers you onward.
+
+    [Illustration:
+     A NORSE TALE.]
+
+_The Thirsty Sword_, by ROBERT LEIGHTON. It's a killing story.
+
+_An Old-Time Yarn_, by EDGAR PICKERING, about the adventures of DRAKE
+and HAWKINS. HAWKINS, mariner, not Sir 'ENRY, the Judge. New yarn.
+Strong old salts--very refreshing.
+
+_The Bull Calf_, brought out for JOHN BULL JUNIOR'S amusement at
+Christmas, and seasonably illustrated by FROST, is a queer sort of
+animal of the Two Macs Donkey breed. Right for NIMMO to have some fun at
+Christmas, according to old example, "_Nimmo mortalium omnibus horis
+sapit._"
+
+What's in a name? not the first time this question has been asked and
+answered--but 'tis impossible for the Baron to avoid quoting it now,
+when in consequence of its title, he was within an ace of putting aside
+_The Germ Growers_, under the impression that it was a scientific work
+on Bacillus and Phylloxera. On taking it up, however, the Baron soon
+became deeply interested, but was subsequently annoyed to find how the
+artful author had beguiled him by leading up to a kind of imitation of
+the _In hoc Signo vinces_ legend, and had somewhat adroitly adapted to
+his purpose the imagery of one of the most poetic and sublime of ancient
+Scripture narratives; _i.e._, where the prophet sees the chariots of
+Israel in the air. One remarkable thing about the romance is the absence
+of "love-motive," and, indeed, the absence of all female interest. Here
+and there the Canon writes carelessly, as instance the following
+paragraph:--
+
+    "Then he got a little glass-tube into which he put
+    something out of a very small bottle, which he took from
+    a number of others which lay side by side in a little
+    case which he took out of a pocket in the side of the
+    car."
+
+Apart from other faults, there are too many "whiches" here, and unlike
+his malignant hero, _Davoli_, the Canon doesn't seem to be well up in
+his "which-craft." Clever Canon POTTER must turn out from his Potteries
+some ware superior to this for the public and
+
+                                                              THE BARON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    REFLECTION IN THE MIST.--You could have "cut the fog, it
+    was so thick," is a common expression. But the fog,
+    unwelcome as it always is, is not like an unwelcome
+    acquaintance, who can be "cut" or avoided by turning
+    down a street, or by pretending unconsciousness of his
+    proximity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    QUESTION FOR A LEGAL EXAM.--If a farmer purchased a good
+    milch cow reared at Dorking, what would be its (old
+    style) legal produce? _Answer or Rejoinder._--Why, of
+    course, some sort of Surrey-butter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+     CULTCHAH!
+
+     _Suburban Belle_ (_to her Dressmaker_). "And I should
+     like a Medici Collar to my Tea-gown. Do you understand?
+     A Medici Collar--like that of the Venus de Medici!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DAVY JONES'S LOCKER."
+
+  DAVY JONES, _loquitur:_--
+
+  "_Fifteen men on the dead man's chest. Hey! ho! and a bottle of rum!"_
+  Faith, that's a chorus I can rattle off with zest. Gratefully it
+          clatters upon DAVY'S tym-pa-num,
+  Like a devil's tattoo from Death's drum! Fi! Fo! Fum! These be very
+          parlous times for old legends of the sea.
+  VANDERDECKEN is taboo'd, the Sea Sarpint is pooh-pooh'd, but 'tis plain
+          as any pikestaff they can't disestablish Me!
+  DADDY NEPTUNE may delight in the Island trim and tight, where his
+          sea-dogs breed and fight, as in days of yore,
+  When old CHARLIE DIBDIN'S fancy piped free songs of JACK and NANCY, of
+          Jolly Salts at sea, and Old Tarry-Breeks ashore;
+  But if Britons rule the waves, as the grog-fired sailor raves, when he
+          dreams of glorious graves in the deep dark main,
+  DADDY NEPTUNE must allow DAVY shares his empire now, or the _Sultan_
+          and the _Howe_ have gone down in vain.
+
+  DADDY NEPTUNE loves me not. Plumped by storm or by shot, my Locker held
+          a lot in the days gone by,
+  But 'tis daily growing fuller. Is the British Tar off colour, are the
+          sea-dogs slower, duller, though as game to die?
+  Has Science spoilt their skill, that their iron pots so fill my old
+          Locker? How I thrill at the lumbering crash,
+  When a-crunch upon a rock, with a thundering Titan shock, goes some
+          shapeless metal block, to immortal smash?
+
+  Oh! it's real, rasping fun! Mighty hull, monster gun, all are mine ere
+          all's done; and the millions madly spent
+  On a lollopping wolloping kettle, with ten thousand tons of metal sink
+          as the Titans settle, turtle-turned, or wrenched and rent,
+  To my rocks and my ooze. I seem little like to lose by the "Progress"
+          some abuse, and the many crack up.
+  Ah! NEPTUNE, sour old lad, DAVY JONES may well look glad at the modern
+          Iron-clad, and thank ARMSTRONG and KRUPP!
+
+  Science and Salvage? Fudge! If _I_ am any judge, my sea-depths and salt
+          sludge will not lose by _them_.
+  NEP calls me callous mocker, but, according to _my_ Cocker, I may laugh,
+          with a full Locker, whilst the fools condemn.
+  Think of daring the blue brine with a chart of the Eighty-Nine, and "a
+          regular goldmine" in one huge black hulk!
+  Whilst the lubbers stick to that, I shall flourish and grow fat like a
+          shark or ocean-rat, though old NEP may sulk.
+
+  Demon-Sexton of the Deep! Ha! ha! Ho! ho! I keep my old office. Wives
+          may weep, and the taxpayers moan;
+  Let the grumblers make appeal to King Science! Lords of Steel, Iron
+          Chieftains, do ye feel when your victims groan?
+  DAVY JONES is well content with that tribute ye have sent, with the
+          millions ye have spent just to glut his gorge;
+  He had seldom such a fill in the days of wood--and skill--constant
+          sea-fights, or the spill of the _Royal George_.
+
+  Good old false last-century Chart! Though the conning may be smart,
+          and the steersman play his part, Palinurus-like,
+  Whilst they trust to your vain vellum, which is almost sure to sell
+          'em, even DAVY JONES can tell 'em, they may sink or strike.
+  Hooray, King Death, hooray! Who says we've had our day! Pass the rum and
+          let's be gay. Not that "dead man's chest,"
+  ROBERT LOUIS grimly sings, like my "Locker Chorus" rings--mingling
+          weirdly wedded things--grisly doom and jest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On an Irish Landlord.
+
+    "Love thou thy Land!" So sang the Laureate.
+      Were that sole Landlord duty, you'd fulfil it!
+    But land makes not a Land, nor soil a State.
+      Loving your land, how sullenly you hate--
+        The People--who've to till it!
+  Of the earth, earthy is that love of soil
+  Which for wide-acred wealth will sap and spoil
+  The souls and sinews of the thralls of Toil.
+  Churl! Bear a human heart, a liberal hand!
+  _Then_ thou may'st say that thou dost "love thy Land."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    WHEN a Stag has once been uncarted, and has been given
+    so many minutes law to get away, the Huntsman may correctly
+    allude to him as "The Deer Departed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+     "DAVY JONES'S LOCKER."
+
+     Davy Jones. "AHA! SO LONG AS THEY STICK TO THEM OLD
+     CHARTS, NO FEAR O' MY LOCKER BEIN' EMPTY!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECONCILIATION.
+
+    (_Scene from that new Screaming Farce "The Political Box and Cox."_)
+
+    ["Mr. GLADSTONE (says the _Daily Chronicle_) has
+    effected a formal reconciliation with the Member for
+    Northampton. He visited Mr. and Mrs. LABOUCHERE, took
+    tea with them, and had a long and very cordial
+    interview. So far, indeed, as Mr. LABOUCHERE ever had
+    any personal feeling in reference to his exclusion from
+    the Ministry, it may be regarded as dead."]
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+_Box._ Although we are not destined to occupy the same--ahem!--Cabinet
+Council Chamber--at present, I don't see any necessity for our cutting
+each other's political throat, Sir.
+
+_Cox._ Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to.
+
+_Box._ And, after all, I've no violent animosity against _you_, Sir.
+
+_Cox._ Nor have I any rooted antipathy to _you_. Sir.
+
+_Box._ Besides, it was all--ahem!--Mrs.--ahem's fault, Sir!
+
+_Cox_ (_embarrassed_). Well--ahem!--my--er--loyalty--as a man of
+honour--to--er--that lady, Sir, forbids, Sir, my saying,
+or--er--permitting to be said----
+
+    [_Gradually approaching chairs._
+
+_Box._ Ah, exactly, I _quite_ understand that. The truth is----
+
+_Cox_ (_quickly_). A most excellent thing, in its way. I always see it.
+
+_Box._ Very well, Sir!
+
+_Cox._ Very well, Sir!    [_Pause._
+
+_Box._ Take a little jam, Sir!
+
+_Cox._ Thank you, Sir!
+
+    [_Taking a spoonful. Pause._
+
+_Box._ Do you sing, Sir?
+
+_Cox_ (_modestly_). I have, in days gone by, done a little Negro
+Minstrelsy.
+
+_Box._ Then give us a breakdown. _(Pause.)_ Well, well, perhaps the
+suggestion's a little inopportune. What is your opinion of smoking, Sir?
+
+    [_Produces cigarette._
+
+_Cox_ (_tartly_). I think it is a pestilent practice, Sir!
+
+_Box_ (_puffing_). So do some other singular people, Sir. To be sure,
+they may not so much object to it if the pipes are not loaded.
+
+_Cox._ No--I daresay that _does_ make some difference.
+
+_Box._ And yet, Sir, on the other hand, doesn't it strike you, as rather
+a waste of time, for people to keep puffing away at pipes (or
+Programmes) with nothing in 'em?
+
+_Cox_ (_drily_). No, Sir--not more than any other harmless
+recreation--such, for instance, as posing as a Party leader, without any
+Party.
+
+_Box_ (_aside_). Some of his own Party may be found a bit shaky. Next
+time I invite him, it may be to tea--and turn-out!
+
+_Cox_ (_aside_). Let him put _that_ in his pipe (or cigarette) and smoke
+it!
+
+_Box_ (_aloud_). Well, well, now we so thoroughly understand each other,
+what--even Programmes--shall part us?
+
+_Cox._ Who--even--ahem! a certain Party, shall tear us asunder?
+
+_Box._ COX!
+
+_Cox._ BOX!
+
+
+    [_About to embrace._ BOX _stops, seizes_ COX's _hand,
+     and looks eagerly in his face._
+
+_Box._ You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the remark, but the more I
+gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced that you'd never be such a
+suicidal idiot as to--seek another Chamber?
+
+_Cox_ (_winking_). Walker!
+
+_Box._ Ah--tell me--in mercy tell me--have you such a thing as the
+"Strawberry Leaves" in your eye?
+
+_Cox._ No!
+
+_Box._ Then we _are_ brothers!
+
+    [_They rush into each other's arms._
+
+_Cox._ Of course, we stop where we are?
+
+_Box._ Of course!
+
+_Cox._ For between you and me, I'm rather partial to the House.
+
+_Box._ So am I--I feel quite at home in it.
+
+_Cox._ Everything so clean and comfortable!
+
+_Box._ And I'm sure its Mistress, Mrs.--ahem!--from what little
+_I've_ seen of her, is very anxious to do her best.
+
+_Cox._ So she is--and I vote, Box, that we stand by her!
+
+_Box._ Agreed! (_winks._) There's my hand upon it--join but yours--agree
+that the House is big enough to hold us both, then Box----
+
+_Cox._ And Cox----
+
+_Both._ Are satisfied!    [_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FACT, OR FUNK?
+
+SIR,--Will you permit me to protest against the shocking insecurity of
+life and property in London? What are the Police doing? Only yesterday I
+was walking, _in the middle of the day_, in a rather quiet road in this
+suburb, when a _highway robber_, disguised as an ordinary beggar, asked
+me for a copper! His look was _most forbidding_, and he put his hand
+under his coat in a way that convinced me he was about to _draw a
+revolver_! I at once gave him my purse, with half-a-crown in it, which
+seemed to pacify him, and I am convinced that I owe my life to my
+_presence of mind_. The shock, however, has quite prostrated me, and my
+medical adviser has already paid me _three visits_, on the strength of
+it, and says I need "careful watching for some time." He has very kindly
+put off a holiday, in order to watch me, which is sufficient to prove
+what a _diabolical outrage_ I have been the victim of!
+                                                     Yours, indignantly,
+                                   _Cozynook, Sydenham._ TABITHA GRUNDY.
+
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--We are coming to a really awful state of things in the
+Strand! A friend of mine (who does not wish his name mentioned) assures
+me that he was proceeding from the Gaiety Restaurant, where he had been
+lunching, towards Charing Cross, when he was "attacked by VERTIGO" in
+broad day-light! Comment is needless. If dangerous foreign bandits like
+this VERTIGO--who from his name must be an Italian--are permitted to
+plunder innocent pedestrians with impunity, the sooner we abolish our
+Police Force and save the expense, the better.
+                                                            NO ALARMIST.
+
+
+
+DEAR ED'TOR,--I write you a line to say I've jus' been 'sulted--grossly
+'sulted--on Thames 'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long--quite shober--sud'ly
+'costed by man dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters
+about"--took hold of my arm--wanted see me into cab. _I saw through him
+at once._ It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch--forshately lef' watch
+home. Angry at not findin' watch--bundled me into cab anyhow--feel
+'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull citizens to be
+'sulted by pleece--by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? It's all true 'bout
+Lunn' bein' _most_ unsafe. Norra word' of 'xagg'ration! _Cre' 'xperto._
+Thash Latin!--_Shows_ I'm spekbull. No more now! He'ache.
+                                                       Yours, RUM PUNCH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir Gerald Portal.
+
+  OF Afric's districts C. and E.,
+    'Tis clear to any mortal,
+  We've but to keep our Afric key,
+    And enter by our PORTAL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE following mysterious advertisement is cut from the _Grantham
+Journal:_--
+
+    WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years
+    old, suitable for Building work, about 16
+    hands.--Address, &c.
+
+Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the
+sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT ELECTION PIC-NIC.
+
+    (_By Our Own Prophetic Reporter._)
+
+
+A FEW days since a "Grand Intellectual _Fete_" was given by the Flower
+League in advancement of the Patriotic Cause, in the grounds of the Duke
+of DITCHWATER. The Railway Companies afforded unusual facilities for
+securing a large gathering, and there was much enthusiasm amongst those
+who were present. To meet the requirements of decisions arrived at
+during the trial of recent Election Petitions, it was arranged that some
+one competent to undertake the task should introduce and explain the
+various distractions afforded for the entertainment of the very numerous
+company. Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR, Barrister, of London, kindly
+consented to act as lecturer, his professional engagements fortunately
+allowing him leisure to assume such a responsibility.
+
+The Lecturer said that he was delighted to see so large a gathering.
+(_Cheers._) They quite reminded him of the clients who thronged his
+passage on the first day of Term, waiting for his chamber doors to open.
+(_Laughter._) There was nothing in the remark he had just made to
+provoke merriment. He wished it to be clearly understood that he
+appealed to their reason. (_Cheers._) It had been objected that some of
+the entertainments given at what had been called political pic-nics had
+nothing to do with the reasoning faculties of the spectators. This he
+emphatically denied. (_Applause._) Without wasting further of their
+time--(_"No, no!" "Go on."_)--he would come to his first
+illustration--the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia. (_Great cheering._) It
+was advisable that the bodies as well as the minds of children educated
+by the School-Boards should receive attention. Their bodies should be
+brought to as near perfection as possible; every muscle should be
+brought into play. To explain his meaning, he called upon the Bounding
+Brothers of Bohemia to illustrate the poetry of motion.
+
+Upon this, five gentlemen in tights (understood to be the athletic
+kindred to whom the Lecturer had referred) performed a series of feats
+of strength, which included standing on one another's heads, jumping
+through hoops, and turning quadruple somersaults.
+
+After their performances were over Mr. BRIEFLESS resumed.
+
+The Lecturer said: He next wished to appeal to their reason--to
+challenge, so to speak, their senses on the power of foreign opinion. It
+was asserted that an Englishman cared only for his native land and the
+Press appertaining thereto. Now he (the Lecturer) had the greatest
+respect for the English Press--(_cheers_)--still he found that some of
+our foreign contemporaries were nearly as good. (_"Hear, hear!"_) He
+wished to introduce the Signora MANTILLA from Spain--(_applause_)--who
+had consented to sing a political song in Spanish, emphasizing her
+opinions by a dance after each verse. (_Great cheering._) The Signora
+MANTILLA then gave a demonstration, which was much appreciated.
+
+The Lecturer resumed. He said he had not insulted their intelligence by
+asking them if they understood Spanish. Of course, they did. (_Loud
+laughter._) He was quite sure that the Signora's third verse and
+accompanying dance must have convinced everyone of the advantages of
+Fair Trade. (_Laughter._) He saw no reason for merriment. (_Renewed
+laughter._) He had now come to that important subject Bi-metallism.
+(_Cheers._) They had been told that whereas speech was silver, silence
+was golden. (_"Hear, hear!"_) To show the advantage of silver
+(represented by speech), the Blue-eyed Nigger would give a native song
+accompanied on his own banjo. (_Loud applause._)
+
+The Blue-eyed Nigger then favoured the company with one of his
+characteristic ditties.
+
+The Lecturer said he had now to thank his audience for their kind
+attention, and to inform them that the display of fireworks with
+set-pieces containing political sentiments appealing to their reason,
+would take place immediately.
+
+Shortly afterwards the company separated, greatly pleased with the
+rational entertainment they had been invited to enjoy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+     =MILITARY EDUCATION.=
+
+     _General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of
+     Cavalry in modern warfare?"
+
+     _Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give Tone to what
+     would otherwise be a mere Vulgar Brawl!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH.
+
+  (Being a Parisian Parliamentary Procedure as "She Might be
+   Spoke in England.")
+
+SCENE--The House of Commons at question-time. Ministers in attendance,
+excited Members regarding them with derision.
+
+_First Member._ I claim the word, Mr. Speaker. I would ask Esquire
+Harcourt, does he propose to make his Budget popular?
+
+    [_"Very well! very well!" from the Conservatives._
+
+_Esquire Harcourt._ I tell the Hon. Gentleman that by such a question he
+insults the world! (_Cheers._) Nay, he insults England!
+
+    [_Loud applause, in which all join._
+
+_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). Still, you have not answered my
+question. Is your Budget to be popular?
+
+    [_Murmurs._
+
+_Esquire Har._ (_with spirit_). I consider such a question twice
+repeated an infamy!
+
+    [_Enthusiastic cheering._
+
+_Second Mem._ Then it is you who are infamous!
+
+    [_Uproar._
+
+_The Speaker._ Gentlemen, Ministers, do not force me to put on my
+hat--do not cause me to suspend the sitting.
+
+_First Mem._ Surely a civil question deserves a civil answer?
+
+_Esquire Harcourt._ Not in a nation that has bled on the field of
+battle.    [_Roars of applause._
+
+_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). And yet what I required to know was
+reasonable. I wished to know whether Esquire Harcourt proposed to name a
+popular Budget?
+
+_Esquire Harcourt._ He repeats the calumny!    [_Uproar._
+
+_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). But is there no reply? I would ask Sir
+Gladstone--is there no reply?
+
+_Sir Gladstone_ (_springing to his feet_). It is for the honour of
+England! (_Immense enthusiasm._) And now, Sir, you are answered!
+
+    [Roars of applause. Scene closes in upon Ministers receiving
+    the hand-shakes of supporters and opponents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+     SPORT AS A MATTER OF COURSE-ING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration:
+     LADIES IN THE HUNTING FIELD.
+
+     It is The Opinion of Mr. Phunkie "that the Fair Sex is all
+     very well at the Covert Side, and he has no objection to a
+     little quiet Flirtation there; but if a Man is expected to
+     go hanging round a Girl when Hounds are running, the thing
+     is apt to become a dooce of a Nuisance!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE.
+
+    ["A deputation of Seamstresses stated at Westminster Police
+    Court, that they make soldiers' clothing, receiving for each
+    pair of trousers 8-1/4_d._, and for each flannel-belt,
+    rather less than one penny."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+  O England, you boast of your warrior sons,
+    Your history tells of them, fearless in strife,
+  How they faced the French horse, how they charged Russian guns,
+    So thoughtful of duty, so careless of life!
+
+  You honour them rightly, but do not forget
+    That economy pleases the voters as well;
+  Each penny reduces the National Debt;
+    Old Ships, as you know, are the best things to sell.
+
+  You could not escape paying pounds to the men
+    Who fought, wearing soles of brown paper, supplied
+  In your wise, frugal way. Follow precedent then!
+    Remember pence saved, not your children who died!
+
+  Though the men must be paid, such expense need not vex
+    A skilful economist. This can be met.
+  You can always grind pence from the poor, weaker sex;
+    If the clothes are ill-made, think what bargains you get!
+
+  Then lavish your honours, your wealth, on the brave,
+    If you did not, perhaps, scarce a man would enlist;
+  But forget not the gain of each penny you save,
+    And starve these poor Women--they cannot resist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    _Pears' Christmas Number_--what it ought to be:--A new
+    edition of "_His Soap's Fables_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    The Real Enemy to "The Big Loaf" (According to John
+    Burns).--The Big Loafer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+NATIONAL ART-TREASURES.--I see that objections are being made to
+Millbank as a suitable site for the Picture Gallery which Mr. Tate has
+so generously offered to the nation. May I ask whether the advantages of
+the Isle of Dogs have ever been considered? The position being right out
+of the way of anybody who cares a rush for Art, and in the centre of the
+river-fog district, so as to ensure a maximum of injury to the pictures
+by damp, its offer to the generous donor would convincingly demonstrate
+our Government's appreciation of such patriotic munificence. Failing the
+Isle of Dogs, would there be any objection to Barking, in the
+neighbourhood of the Sewage Outfall? They are quite accustomed there to
+dealing with the precipitation of sludge. Perhaps some Art-lover would
+reply.
+                                          Citizen of a Rather Mean City.
+
+
+HOUSEHOLDER'S DIFFICULTIES.--Could some practical Correspondent advise
+us as to what would be the best course to pursue under the following
+awkward circumstances? I live in a house in a newly-constructed terrace,
+with very thin party-walls. The tenant on one side has just set up a
+private establishment for the reception of the most thoroughly incurable
+class of maniacs, while on the other side is a family who make their
+living by piano, violin, and cornet performances, at private houses. I
+have asked the landlord to abate the nuisance by adding another brick to
+the thickness of the walls on each side; but he writes to me, giving his
+address at the Bankruptcy Court, to explain that the houses are not so
+constructed as to bear the extra weight, which I think very probable. I
+would apply for an injunction against the Maniacs, were it not that
+their howlings are sometimes useful in drowning the sound of the
+constant practising on the piano. Would it be wise to retaliate by
+dropping bricks at midnight down my neighbours' chimneys? What is the
+least term of Penal Servitude that I could get if I hired some of the
+Unemployed to break into the musical house and smash up the instruments?
+If I went as a Deputation on the subject to Mr. Asquith, should I be
+likely to be cordially received?
+                                                        Tortured Tenant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+    MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+103, December 10, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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