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diff --git a/20767.txt b/20767.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b9a330 --- /dev/null +++ b/20767.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9101 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Life of Mansie Wauch, by David Macbeth +Moir + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Life of Mansie Wauch + Tailor in Dalkeith, written by himself + + +Author: David Macbeth Moir + + + +Release Date: December 10, 2007 [eBook #20767] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF MANSIE WAUCH*** + + +Transcribed from the 1845 William Blackwood and Sons edition by David +Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + +THE LIFE +OF +MANSIE WAUCH +TAILOR IN DALKEITH +WRITTEN BY HIMSELF + + +A NEW EDITION + +WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS +EDINBURGH AND LONDON +M.DCCC.XLV + +TO +JOHN GALT, ESQ. +AUTHOR OF "THE ANNALS OF THE PARISH," "THE PROVOST," "THE AYRSHIRE +LEGATEES," &c. &c. &c. +THE FOLLOWING SKETCHES, +PRINCIPALLY OF HUMBLE SCOTTISH CHARACTER, +ARE DEDICATED, +BY HIS SINCERE FRIEND AND ADMIRER, +THE EDITOR. + + + + +ADVERTISEMENT. + + +Between the first and last genuine Editions of the following biography, +it has been repeatedly reprinted both in America and France; and portions +of it, pirated in the shape of cheap pamphlets, have, for two or three +years bypast, formed a staple article of commerce with the Peripatetic +Bibliopoles in this country. Popularity to an author must be always +gratifying; but it were well that it came through the proper channels. + +* * * * * + +The present Edition has been carefully revised, and it embodies all the +additions made to the book since its first appearance. Sixteen years +have now passed over since Mr Wauch joined his name to those of Rousseau +and Franklin as an autobiographer; and it must be pleasing to him in his +venerable old age to learn, that he is still a favourite with the Public. +Nay, more, it is to be hoped that the accommodating moderation in the +rates of charges anent his present fashions and furnishings, may be the +means of yet further enlarging the circle of his literary acquaintances. + + + + +PRELIMINARIES. + + +Having, within myself, made observation of late years, that all notable +characters, whatsoever line of life they may have pursued, and to +whatever business they might belong, have made a trade of committing to +paper all the surprising occurrences and remarkable events that chanced +to happen to them in the course of Providence, during their journey +through life--that such as come after them might take warning and be +benefited--I have found it incumbent on me, following a right example, to +do the same thing; and have set down, in black and white, a good few +uncos, that I should reckon will not soon be forgotten, provided they +make as deep an impression on the world as they have done on me. To this +decision I have been urged by the elbowing on of not a few judicious +friends; among whom I would particularly remark James Batter, who has +been most earnest in his request, and than whom a truer judge on any +thing connected with book-lear, or a better neighbour, does not breathe +the breath of life: both of which positions will, I doubt not, appear as +clear as daylight to the reader, in the course of the work: to say +nothing of the approval the scheme met with from the pious Maister +Wiggie, who has now gone to his account, and divers other advisers, that +wished either the general good of the world, or studied their own +particular profit. + +Had the course of my pilgrimage lain just on the beaten track, I would +not--at least I think so--have been o'ercome by ony perswasions to do +what I have done; but as will be seen, in the twinkling of half-an-eye, +by the judicious reader, I am a man that has witnessed much, and come +through a great deal, both in regard to the times wherein I have lived, +and the out-o'-the-way adventures in which it has been my fortune to be +engaged. Indeed, though I say it myself, who might as well be silent, I +that have never stirred, in a manner so to speak, from home, have +witnessed more of the world we live in, and the doings of men, than many +who have sailed the salt seas from the East Indies to the West; or, in +the course of nature, visited Greenland, Jamaica, or Van Diemen's Land. +The cream of the matter, and to which we would solicit the attention of +old and young, rich and poor, is just this, that, unless unco doure +indeed to learn, the inexperienced may gleam from my pages sundry grand +lessons, concerning what they have a chance to expect in the course of an +active life; and the unsteady may take a hint concerning what it is +possible for one of a clear head and a stout heart to go through with. + +Notwithstanding, however, these plain and evident conclusions, even after +writing the whole out, I thought I felt a kind of a qualm of conscience +about submitting an account of my actions and transactions to the world +during my lifetime; and I had almost determined, for decency's sake, not +to let the papers be printed till after I had been gathered to my +fathers; but I took into consideration the duty that one man owes to +another; and that my keeping back, and withholding these curious +documents, would be in a great measure hindering the improvement of +society, so far as I was myself personally concerned. Now this is a +business, which James Batter agrees with me in thinking is carried on, +furthered, and brought about, by every one furnishing his share of +experience to the general stock. Let-a-be this plain truth, another +point of argument for my bringing out my bit book at the present time is, +that I am here to the fore bodily, with the use of my seven senses, to +give day and date to all such as venture to put on the misbelieving front +of Sadducees, with regard to any of the accidents, mischances, marvellous +escapes, and extraordinary businesses therein related; and to show them, +as plain as the bool of a pint stoup, that each and every thing set down +by me within its boards is just as true, as that a blind man needs not +spectacles, or that my name is Mansie Wauch. + +Perhaps, as a person willing and anxious to give every man his due, it is +necessary for me explicitly to mention, that, in the course of this book, +I am indebted to my friend James Batter, for his able help in assisting +me to spell the kittle words, and in rummaging out scraps of poem-books +for headpieces to my different chapters. + + + + +CHAPTER I.--OUR OLD GRANFATHER. + + + The sun rises bright in France, + And fair sets he; + But he has tint the blithe blink he had + In my ain countree. + + ALLAN CUNNINGHAM. + +Some of the rich houses and great folk pretend to have histories of the +auncientness of their families, which they can count back on their +fingers almost to the days of Noah's ark, and King Fergus the First; but +whatever may spunk out after on this point, I am free to confess, with a +safe conscience, in the mean time, that it is not in my power to come up +within sight of them; having never seen or heard tell of any body in our +connexion, further back than auld granfaither, that I mind of when a +laddie; and who it behoves to have belonged by birthright to some parish +or other; but where-away, gude kens. James Batter mostly blinded both +his eyes, looking all last winter for one of our name in the Book of +Martyrs, to make us proud of; but his search, I am free to confess, worse +than failed--as the only man of the name he could find out was a Sergeant +Jacob Wauch, that lost his lug and his left arm, fighting like a Russian +Turk against the godly, at the bloody battle of the Pentland Hills. + +Auld granfaither died when I was a growing callant, some seven or eight +years old; yet I mind him full well; it being a curious thing how early +such matters take hold of one's memory. He was a straught, tall, old +man, with a shining bellpow, and reverend white locks hanging down about +his haffets; a Roman nose, and two cheeks blooming through the winter of +his long age like roses, when, poor body, he was sand-blind with +infirmity. In his latter days he was hardly able to crawl about alone; +but used to sit resting himself on the truff seat before our door, +leaning forward his head on his staff, and finding a kind of pleasure in +feeling the beams of God's own sun beaking on him. A blackbird, that he +had tamed, hung above his head in a whand-cage of my father's making; and +he had taken a pride in learning it to whistle two three turns of his own +favourite sang, "Oure the water to Charlie." + +I recollect, as well as yesterday, that, on the Sundays, he wore a braid +bannet with a red worsted cherry on the top of it; and had a +single-breasted coat, square in the tails, of light Gilmerton blue, with +plaited white buttons, bigger than crown-pieces. His waistcoat was low +in the neck, and had flap pouches, wherein he kept his mull for rappee, +and his tobacco-box. To look at him, with his rig-and-fur Shetland hose +pulled up over his knees, and his big glancing buckles in his shoon, +sitting at our door-cheek, clean and tidy as he was kept, was just as if +one of the ancient patriarchs had been left on earth, to let succeeding +survivors witness a picture of hoary and venerable eld. Poor body, many +a bit Gibraltar-rock and gingerbread did he give to me, as he would pat +me on the head, and prophesy I would be a great man yet; and sing me bits +of old songs about the bloody times of the Rebellion, and Prince Charlie. +There was nothing that I liked so well as to hear him set a going with +his auld-warld stories and lilts; though my mother used sometimes to say, +"Wheest, granfaither, ye ken it's no canny to let out a word of thae +things; let byganes be byganes, and forgotten." He never liked to give +trouble, so a rebuke of this kind would put a tether to his tongue for a +wee; but, when we were left by ourselves, I used aye to egg him on to +tell me what he had come through in his far-away travels beyond the broad +seas; and of the famous battles he had seen and shed his precious blood +in; for his pinkie was hacked off by a dragoon of Cornel Gardener's, down +by at Prestonpans, and he had catched a bullet with his ankle over in the +north at Culloden. So it was no wonder that he liked to crack about +these times, though they had brought him muckle and no little mischief, +having obliged him to skulk like another Cain among the Highland hills +and heather, for many a long month and day, homeless and hungry. Not +dauring to be seen in his own country, where his head would have been +chacked off like a sybo, he took leg-bail in a ship over the sea, among +the Dutch folk; where he followed out his lawful trade of a cooper, +making girrs for the herring barrels and so on; and sending, when he +could find time and opportunity, such savings from his wages as he could +afford, for the maintenance of his wife and small family of three +helpless weans, that he had been obligated to leave, dowie and destitute, +at their native home of pleasant Dalkeith. + +At long and last, when the breeze had blown over, and the feverish pulse +of the country began to grow calm and cool, auld granfaither took a +longing to see his native land; and though not free of jeopardy from +king's cutters on the sea, and from spies on shore, he risked his neck +over in a sloop from Rotterdam to Aberlady, that came across with a +valuable cargo of smuggled gin. When granfaither had been obliged to +take the wings of flight for the preservation of his life and liberty, my +father was a wean at grannie's breast: so, by her fending--for she was a +canny industrious body, and kept a bit shop, in the which she sold +oatmeal and red herrings, needles and prins, potatoes and tape, and +cabbage, and what not--he had grown a strapping laddie of eleven or +twelve, helping his two sisters, one of whom perished of the measles in +the dear year, to go errands, chap sand, carry water, and keep the housie +clean. I have heard him say, when auld granfaither came to their door at +the dead of night, tirling, like a thief of darkness, at the window-brod +to get in, that he was so altered in his voice and lingo that no living +soul kenned him, not even the wife of his bosom; so he had to put grannie +in mind of things that had happened between them, before she would allow +my father to lift the sneck, or draw the bar. Many and many a year, for +gude kens how long after, I have heard tell, that his speech was so +Dutchified as to be scarcely kenspeckle to a Scotch European; but Nature +is powerful, and, in the course of time, he came in the upshot to gather +his words together like a Christian. + +Of my auntie Bell, that, as I have just said, died of the measles in the +dear year, at the age of fourteen, I have no story to tell but one, and +that a short one, though not without a sprinkling of interest. + +Among her other ways of doing, grannie kept a cow, and sold the milk +round about to the neighbours in a pitcher, whiles carried by my father, +and whiles by my aunties, at the ransom of a halfpenny the mutchkin. +Well, ye observe, that the cow ran yeild, and it was as plain as pease +that she was with calf:--Geordie Drouth, the horse-doctor, could have +made solemn affidavy on that head. So they waited on, and better waited +on for the prowie's calfing, keeping it upon draff and oat-strae in the +byre; till one morning every thing seemed in a fair way, and my auntie +Bell was set out to keep watch and ward. + +Some of her companions, howsoever, chancing to come by, took her out to +the back of the house to have a game at the pallall; and, in the interim, +Donald Bogie, the tinkler from Yetholm, came and left his little jackass +in the byre, while he was selling about his crockery of cups and saucers, +and brown plates, on the old one, through the town, in two creels. + +In the middle of auntie Bell's game, she heard an unco noise in the byre; +and, knowing that she had neglected her charge, she ran round the gable, +and opened the door in a great hurry; when, seeing the beastie, she +pulled it to again, and fleeing, half out of breath, into the kitchen, +cried--"Come away, come away, mother, as fast as ye can. Eh, lyst, the +cow's cauffed,--and it's a cuddie!" + + + + +CHAPTER II.--MY OWN FATHER. + + + The weaver he gied up the stair, + Dancing and singing; + A bunch o' bobbins at his back, + Rattling and ringing. + + _Old Song_. + +My own father, that is to say, auld Mansie Wauch with regard to myself, +but young Mansie with reference to my granfather, after having run the +errands, and done his best to grannie during his early years, was, at the +age of thirteen, as I have heard him tell, bound a prentice to the weaver +trade, which from that day and date, for better for worse, he prosecuted +to the hour of his death:--I should rather have said to within a +fortnight of it, for he lay for that time in the mortal fever, that cut +through the thread of his existence. Alas! as Job says, "How time flies +like a weaver's shuttle!" + +He was a tall, thin, lowering man, blackaviced, and something in the +physog like myself, though scarcely so weel-faured; with a kind of +blueness about his chin, as if his beard grew of that colour--which I +scarcely think it would do--but might arise either from the dust of the +blue cloth, constantly flying about the shop, taking a rest there, or +from his having a custom of giving it a rub now and then with his finger +and thumb, both of which were dyed of that colour, as well as his apron, +from rubbing against, and handling the webs of checkit claith in the +loom. + +Ill would it become me, I trust a dutiful son, to say that my father was +any thing but a decent, industrious, hard-working man, doing every thing +for the good of his family, and winning the respect of all that knew the +value of his worth. As to his decency, few--very few indeed--laid +beneath the mools of Dalkeith kirk-yard, made their beds there, leaving a +better name behind them; and as to industry, it is but little to say that +he toiled the very flesh off his bones, driving the shuttle from Monday +morning till Saturday night, from the rising up of the sun, even to the +going down thereof; and whiles, when opportunity led him, or occasion +required, digging and delving away at the bit kail-yard, till moon and +stars were in the lift, and the dews of heaven that fell on his head, +were like the oil that flowed from Aaron's beard, even to the skirts of +his garment. But what will ye say there? Some are born with a silver +spoon in their mouths, and others with a parritch-stick. Of the latter +was my father; for, with all his fechting, he never was able much more +than to keep our heads above the ocean of debt. Whatever was denied him, +a kind Providence, howsoever, enabled him to do that; and so he departed +this life contented, leaving to my mother and me, the two survivors, the +prideful remembrance of being, respectively, she the widow, and me the +son, of an honest man. Some left with twenty thousand cannot boast as +much; so every one has their comforts. + +Having never entered much into public life, further than attending the +kirk twice every Sabbath--and thrice when there was evening service--the +days of my father glided over like the waters of a deep river that make +little noise in their course; so I do not know whether to lament or to +rejoice at having almost nothing to record of him. Had Buonaparte as +little ill to account for, it would be well this day for him:--but, losh +me! I had almost skipped over his wedding. + +In the five-and-twentieth year of his age, he had fallen in love with my +mother, Marion Laverock, at the christening of a neighbour's bairn, where +they both happened to forgather; little, I daresay, jealousing, at the +time their eyes first met, that fate had destined them for a pair, and to +be the honoured parents of me, their only bairn. Seeing my father's +heart was catched as in the net of the fowler, she took every lawful +means, such as adding another knot to her cockernony, putting up her hair +in screw curls, and so on, to follow up her advantage; the result of all +which was, that, after three months' courtship, she wrote a letter out to +her friends at Loanhead, telling them of what was more than likely to +happen, and giving a kind invitation to such of them as might think it +worth their whiles to come in and be spectators of the ceremony.--And a +prime day I am told they had of it, having, by advice of more than one, +consented to make it a penny wedding; and hiring Deacon Laurie's maltbarn +at five shillings, for the express purpose. + +Many yet living, among whom James Batter, who was the best-man, and +Duncan Imrie, the heelcutter in the Flesh-Market Close, are still above +board to bear solemn testimony to the grandness of the occasion, and the +uncountable numerousness of the company, with such a display of mutton- +broth, swimming thick with raisins,--and roasted jiggets of lamb,--to say +nothing of mashed turnips and champed potatoes,--as had not been seen in +the wide parish of Dalkeith in the memory of man. It was not only my +father's bridal day, but it brought many a lad and lass together by way +of partners at foursome reels and Hieland jigs, whose courtship did not +end in smoke, couple above couple dating the day of their happiness from +that famous forgathering. There were no less than three fiddlers, two of +them blind with the small-pox, and one naturally; and a piper with his +drone and chanter, playing as many pibrochs as would have deaved a mill- +happer,--all skirling, scraping, and bumming away throughither, the whole +afternoon and night, and keeping half the countryside dancing, capering, +and cutting, in strathspey step and quick time, as if they were without a +weary, or had not a bone in their bodies. In the days of darkness, the +whole concern would have been imputed to magic and glamour; and douce +folk, finding how they were transgressing over their usual bounds, would +have looked about them for the wooden pin that auld Michael Scott the +warlock drave in behind the door, leaving the family to dance themselves +to death at their leisure. + +Had the business ended in dancing, so far well, for a sound sleep would +have brought a blithe wakening, and all be tight and right again; but, +alas and alackaday! the violent heat and fume of foment they were all +thrown into, caused the emptying of so many ale-tankers, and the +swallowing of so muckle toddy, by way of cooling and refreshing the +company, that they all got as fou as the Baltic; and many ploys, that +shall be nameless, were the result of a sober ceremony, whereby two douce +and decent people, Mansie Wauch, my honoured father, and Marion Laverock, +my respected mother, were linked thegither, for better for worse, in the +lawful bonds of honest wedlock. + +It seems as if Providence, reserving every thing famous and remarkable +for me, allowed little or nothing of consequence to happen to my father, +who had few cruiks in his lot; at least I never learned, either from him +or any other body, of any adventures likely seriously to interest the +world at large. I have heard tell, indeed, that he once got a terrible +fright by taking the bounty, during the American war, from an Eirish +corporal, of the name of Dochart O'Flaucherty, at Dalkeith Fair, when he +was at his prenticeship: he, not being accustomed to malt-liquor, having +got fouish and frisky--which was not his natural disposition--over a half +a bottle of porter. From this it will easily be seen, in the first +place, that it would be with a fight that his master would get him off, +by obliging the corporal to take back the trepan money; in the second +place, how long a date back it is since the Eirish began to be the death +of us; and, in conclusion, that my honoured faither got such a fleg, as +to spain him effectually, for the space of ten years, from every +drinkable stronger than good spring-well water. Let the unwary take +caution; and may this be a wholesome lesson to all whom it may concern. + +In this family history it becomes me, as an honest man, to make passing +mention of my father's sister, auntie Mysie, that married a carpenter and +undertaker in the town of Jedburgh; and who, in the course of nature and +industry, came to be in a prosperous and thriving way; indeed, so much +so, as to be raised from the rank of a private head of a family; and at +last elected, by a majority of two votes over a famous cow-doctor, a +member of the town-council itself. + +There is a good story, howsoever, connected with this business, with +which I shall make myself free to wind up this somewhat fusty and +fushionless chapter. + +Well, ye see, some great lord,--I forget his name, but no matter,--that +had made a most tremendous sum of money, either by foul or fair means, +among the blacks in the East Indies, had returned, before he died, to lay +his bones at home, as yellow as a Limerick glove, and as rich as Dives in +the New Testament. He kept flunkies with plush small-clothes and sky- +blue coats with scarlet-velvet cuffs and collars,--lived like a princie, +and settled, as I said before, in the neighbourhood of Jedburgh. + +The body, though as brown as a toad's back, was as prideful and full of +power as old King Nebuchadneisher; and how to exhibit all his purple and +fine linen, he aye thought and better thought, till at last the happy +determination came over his mind like a flash of lightning, to invite the +bailies, deacons, and town-council, all in a body, to come and dine with +him. + +Save us! what a brushing of coats, such a switching of stoury trowsers, +and bleaching of white cotton stockings, as took place before the +catastrophe of the feast, never before happened since Jeddert was a +burgh. Some of them that were forward and geyan bold in the spirit, +crowed aloud for joy, at being able to boast that they had received an +invitation letter to dine with a great lord; while others as proud as +peacocks of the honour, yet not very sure as to their being up to the +trade of behaving themselves at the tables of the great, were mostly dung +stupid with not knowing what to think. A council meeting or two was held +in the gloamings, to take such a serious business into consideration; +some expressing their fears and inward down-sinking, while others cheered +them up with a fillip of pleasant consolation. Scarcely a word of the +matter, for which they were summoned together by the town-officer--and +which was about the mending of the old bell-rope--was discussed by any of +them. So after a sowd of toddy was swallowed, with the hopes of making +them brave men, and good soldiers of the magistracy, they all plucked up +a proud spirit, and do or die, determined to march in a body up to the +gate, and forward to the table of his lordship. + +My uncle, who had been one of the ringleaders of the chicken-hearted, +crap away up among the rest, with his new blue coat on, shining fresh +from the ironing of the goose, but keeping well among the thick, to be as +little kenspeckle as possible; for all the folk of the town were at their +doors and windows to witness the great occasion of the town-council going +away up like gentlemen of rank to take their dinner with his lordship. +That it was a terrible trial to all cannot be for a moment denied; yet +some of them behaved themselves decently; and, if we confess that others +trembled in the knees, as if they were marching to a field of battle, it +was all in the course of human nature. + +Yet ye would wonder how they came on by degrees; and, to cut a long tale +short, at length found themselves in a great big room, like a palace in a +fairy tale, full of grand pictures with gold frames, and looking-glasses +like the side of a house, where they could see down to their very shoes. +For a while they were like men in a dream, perfectly dazzled and +dumfoundered; and it was five minutes before they could either see a +seat, or think of sitting down. With the reflection of the +looking-glasses, one of the bailies was so possessed within himself, that +he tried to chair himself where chair was none, and landed, not very +softly, on the carpet; while another of the deacons, a fat and dumpy man, +as he was trying to make a bow, and throw out his leg behind him, +stramped on a favourite Newfoundland dog's tail, that, wakening out of +its slumbers with a yell that made the roof ring, played drive against my +uncle, who was standing abaft, and wheeled him like a butterfly, side +foremost, against a table with a heap of flowers on it, where, in trying +to kep himself, he drove his head, like a battering-ram, through a +looking-glass, and bleached back on his hands and feet on the carpet. + +Seeing what had happened, they were all frightened; but his lordship, +after laughing heartily, was politer, and knew better about manners than +all that; so, bidding the flunkies hurry away with the fragments of the +china jugs and jars, they found themselves, sweating with terror and +vexation, ranged along silk settees, cracking about the weather and other +wonderfuls. + +Such a dinner! the fume of it went round about their hearts like myrrh +and frankincense. The landlord took the head of the table, the bailies +the right and left of him; the deacons and councillors were ranged along +the sides, like files of soldiers; and the chaplain at the foot said +grace. It is entirely out of the power of man to set down on paper all +that they got to eat and drink; and such was the effect of French +cookery, that they did not know fish from flesh. Howsoever, for all +that, they laid their lugs in every thing that lay before them, and what +they could not eat with forks they supped with spoons; so it was all to +one purpose. + +When the dishes were removing, each had a large blue glass bowl full of +water, and a clean calendered damask towel, put down by a smart flunkie +before him; and many of them that had not helped themselves well to the +wine, while they were eating their steaks and French frigassees, were now +vexed to death on that score, imagining that nothing remained for them, +but to dight their nebs and flee up. + +Ignorant folk should not judge rashly, and the worthy town-council were +here in error; for their surmises, however feasible, did the landlord +wrong. In a minute they had fresh wine decanters ranged down before +them, filled with liquors of all variety of colours, red, green, and +blue; and the table was covered with dishes full of jargonelles and +pippins, raisins and almonds, shell-walnuts and plumdamases, with nut- +crackers, and every thing else they could think of eating; so that, after +drinking "The King, and long life to him," and "The constitution of the +country at home and abroad," and "Success to trade," and "A good +harvest," and "May ne'er waur be among us," and "Botheration to the +French," and "Corny toes and short shoes to the foes of old Scotland," +and so on, their tongues began at length not to be so tacked; and the +weight of their own dignity, that had taken flight before his lordship, +came back and rested on their shoulders. + +In the course of the evening, his lordship whispered to one of the +flunkies to bring in some things--they could not hear what--as the +company might like them. The wise ones thought within themselves that +the best aye comes hindmost; so in brushed a powdered valet, with three +dishes on his arm of twisted black things, just like sticks of Gibraltar- +rock, but different in the colour. + +Bailie Bowie helped himself to a jargonelle, and Deacon Purves to a wheen +raisins; and my uncle, to show that he was not frighted, and knew what he +was about, helped himself to one of the long black things, which, without +much ceremony, he shoved into his mouth and began to. Two or three more, +seeing that my uncle was up to trap, followed his example, and chewed +away like nine-year-olds. + +Instead of the curious-looking black thing being sweet as honey--for so +they expected--they soon found they had catched a Tartar; for it had a +confounded bitter tobacco-taste. Manners, however, forbade them laying +it down again, more especially as his lordship, like a man dumfoundered, +was aye keeping his eye on them. So away they chewed, and better chewed, +and whammelled them round in their mouths, first in one cheek, and then +in the other, taking now and then a mouthful of drink to wash the trash +down, then chewing away again, and syne another whammel from one cheek to +the other, and syne another mouthful, while the whole time their eyes +were staring in their heads like mad, and the faces they made may be +imagined, but cannot be described. His lordship gave his eyes a rub, and +thought he was dreaming; but no--there they were bodily, chewing, and +whammelling, and making faces; so no wonder that, in keeping in his +laugh, he sprung a button from his waistcoat, and was like to drop down +from his chair, through the floor, in an ecstacy of astonishment, seeing +they were all growing seasick, and pale as stucco images. + +Frightened out of his wits at last that he would be the death of the +whole council, and that more of them would poison themselves, he took up +one of the segars--every one knows segars now, for they are fashionable +among the very sweeps--which he lighted at the candle, and commenced +puffing like a tobacco-pipe. + +My uncle and the rest, if they were ill before, were worse now; so when +they got to the open air, instead of growing better, they grew sicker and +sicker, till they were waggling from side to side like ships in a storm; +and, not knowing whether their heels or heads were uppermost, went +spinning round about like pieries. + +"A little spark may make muckle wark." It is perfectly wonderful what +great events spring out of trifles, or what seem to common eyes but +trifles. I do not allude to the nine days' deadly sickness, that was the +legacy of every one that ate his segar, but to the awful truth, that, at +the next election of councillors, my poor uncle Jamie was completely +blackballed--a general spite having been taken to him in the town-hall, +on account of having led the magistracy wrong, by doing what he ought to +have let alone, thereby making himself and the rest a topic of amusement +to the world at large, for many and many a month. + +Others, to be sure, it becomes me to make mention, have another version +of the story, and impute the cause of his having been turned out to the +implacable wrath of old Bailie Bogie, whose best black coat, square in +the tails, that he had worn only on the Sundays for nine years, was +totally spoiled, on their way home in the dark from his lordship's, by a +tremendous blash, that my unfortunate uncle happened, in the course of +nature, to let flee in the frenzy of a deadly upthrowing. + + + + +CHAPTER III.--COMING INTO THE WORLD. + + + --At first the babe + Was sickly; and a smile was seen to pass + Across the midwife's cheek, when, holding up + The feeble wretch, she to the father said, + "A fine man-child!" What else could they expect? + The father being, as I said before, + A weaver. + + HOGG'S _Poetic Mirror_. + +I have no distinct recollection of the thing myself, yet there is every +reason to believe that I was born on the 15th of October 1765, in that +little house standing by itself, not many yards from the eastmost side of +the Flesh-Market Gate, Dalkeith. My eyes opened on the light about two +o'clock in a dark and rainy morning. Long was it spoken about that +something great and mysterious would happen on that dreary night; as the +cat, after washing her face, went mewing about, with her tail sweeing +behind her like a ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbled +down Jamie Elder's lum, when he had set the little still a-going--giving +them a terrible fright, as they all took it first for the devil, and then +for an exciseman--and fell with a great cloud of soot, and a loud +skraigh, into the empty kail-pot. + +The first thing that I have any clear memory of, was my being carried out +on my auntie's shoulder, with a leather cap tied under my chin, to see +the Fair Race. Oh! but it was a grand sight! I have read since then the +story of Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks. There +was a long row of tables covered with carpets of bonny patterns, heaped +from one end to the other with shoes of every kind and size, some with +polished soles, and some glittering with sparribles and cuddy-heels; and +little red worsted boots for bairns, with blue and white edgings, hanging +like strings of flowers up the posts at each end;--and then what a +collection of luggies! the whole meal in the market-sacks on a Thursday +did not seem able to fill them;--and horn-spoons, green and black +freckled, with shanks clear as amber,--and timber caups,--and ivory egg- +cups of every pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeaton dairy +might have found resting-places for their doups in a row. As for the +gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description. Sixpenny and shilling +cakes, in paper, tied with skinie; and roundabouts, and snaps, brown and +white quality, and parliaments, on stands covered with calendered linen, +clean from the fold. To pass it was just impossible; it set my teeth a- +watering, and I skirled like mad, until I had a gilded lady thrust into +my little nieve; the which, after admiring for a minute, I applied my +teeth to, and of the head I made no bones; so that in less than no time +she had vanished, petticoats and all, no trace of her being to the fore, +save and except long treacly daubs, extending east and west from ear to +ear, and north and south from cape neb of the nose to the extremity of +beardy-land. + +But what, of all things, attracted my attention on that memorable day, +was the show of cows, sheep, and horses, mooing, baaing, and neighering; +and the race--that was best! Od, what a sight!--we were jammed in the +crowd of old wives, with their toys and shining ribands; and carter lads, +with their blue bonnets; and young wenches, carrying home their fairings +in napkins, as muckle as would hold their teeth going for a month;--there +scarcely could be much for love, when there was so much for the +stomach;--and men, with wooden legs, and brass virls at the end of them, +playing on the fiddle,--and a bear that roared, and danced on its hind +feet, with a muzzled mouth,--and Punch and Polly,--and puppie-shows, and +more than I can tell,--when up came the horses to the starting-post. I +shall never forget the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkin +tied round his head, with the flaps fleeing at his neck; and his coat- +tails were curled up into a big hump behind; it was so tight buttoned ye +would not think he could have breathed. His corduroy trowsers (such like +as I have often since made to growing callants) were tied round his +ankles with a string; and he had a rusty spur on one shoe, which I saw a +man take off to lend him. Save us! how he pulled the beast's head by the +bridle, and flapped up and down on the saddle when he tried a canter! The +second one had on a black velvet hunting-cap, and his coat stripped. I +wonder he was not feared of cold, his shirt being like a riddle, and his +nether nankeens but thin for such weather; but he was a brave lad; and +sorry were the folks for him, when he fell off in taking over sharp a +turn, by which old Pullen, the bell-ringer, who was holding the post, was +made to coup the creels, and got a bloody nose.--And but the last was a +wearyful one! He was all life, and as gleg as an eel. Up and down he +went; and up and down philandered the beast on its hind-legs and its fore- +legs, funking like mad; yet though he was not above thirteen, or fourteen +at most, he did not cry out for help more than five or six times, but +grippit at the mane with one hand, and at the back of the saddle with the +other, till daft Robie, the hostler at the stables, claught hold of the +beast by the head, and off they set. The young birkie had neither hat +nor shoon, but he did not spare the stick; round and round they flew like +mad. Ye would have thought their eyes would have loupen out; and loudly +all the crowd were hurraing, when young hatless came up foremost, +standing in the stirrups, the long stick between his teeth, and his white +hair fleeing behind him in the wind like streamers on a frosty night. + + + + +CHAPTER IV.--CALF-LOVE. + + + Bonny lassie, will ye go, will ye go, will ye go, + Bonny lassie, will ye go to the Birks of Aberfeldy? + + BURNS. + + For a tailor is a man, a man, a man, + And a tailor is a man. + + _Popular Heroic Song_. + +The long and the short is, that I was sent to school, where I learned to +read and spell, making great progress in the Single and Mother's +Carritch. No, what is more, few could fickle me in the Bible, being +mostly able to spell it all over, save the second of Ezra and the seventh +of Nehemiah, which the Dominie himself could never read through twice in +the same way, or without variations. + +My father, to whom I was born, like Isaac to Abraham, in his old age, was +an elder in the Relief Kirk, respected by all for his canny and douce +behaviour, and, as I have observed before, a weaver to his trade. The +cot and the kail-yard were his own, and had been auld granfaither's; but +still he had to ply the shuttle from Monday to Saturday, to keep all +right and tight. The thrums were a perquisite of my own, which I +niffered with the gundy-wife for Gibraltar-rock, cut-throat, gib, or +bull's-eyes. + +Having come into the world before my time, and being of a pale face and +delicate make, Nature never could have intended me for the naval or +military line, or for any robustious trade or profession whatsoever. No, +no, I never liked fighting in my life; peace was aye in my thoughts. When +there was any riot in the streets, I fled, and scougged myself at the +chimley-lug as quickly as I dowed; and, rather than double a nieve to a +schoolfellow, I pocketed many shabby epithets, got my paiks, and took the +coucher's blow from laddies that could hardly reach up to my waistband. + +Just after I was put to my prenticeship, having made free choice of the +tailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of calf-love. Never shall I +forget it. I was growing up, long and lank as a willow-wand. Brawns to +my legs there were none, as my trowsers of other years too visibly +effected to show. The long yellow hair hung down, like a flax-wig, the +length of my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding my yapness and +stiff appetite, as if eating and they had broken up acquaintanceship. My +blue jacket seemed in the sleeves to have picked a quarrel with the +wrists, and had retreated to a tait below the elbows. The +haunch-buttons, on the contrary, appeared to have taken a strong liking +to the shoulders, a little below which they showed their tarnished +brightness. At the middle of the back the tails terminated, leaving the +well-worn rear of my corduroys, like a full moon seen through a dark +haze. Oh! but I must have been a bonny lad. + +My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and forward +quean, two or three years older than myself. I used to sit looking at +her in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion when our eyes met. It dirled +through my heart like a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book sheepish +and blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would not do; my +courage aye failed me at the pinch, though she whiles gave me a smile +when she passed me. She used to go to the well every night with her two +stoups, to draw water after the manner of the Israelites at gloaming; so +I thought of watching to give her the two apples which I had carried in +my pocket for more than a week for that purpose. How she started when I +stappit them into her hand, and brushed by without speaking! I stood at +the bottom of the close listening, and heard her laughing till she was +like to split. My heart flap-flappit in my breast like a pair of +fanners. It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw Jamie Coom, the +blacksmith, who I aye jealoused was my rival, coming down to the well. I +saw her give him one of the apples; and hearing him say, with a loud +gaffaw, "Where is the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never stopped +till I found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the hamely +sound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my lug, like a gentle lullaby. + +Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time, though I went to +my bed without my supper. When I was driving out the gaislings to the +grass on the next morn, who was it my ill fate to meet but the +blacksmith. "Ou, Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for +your best-man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday?" + +"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring. + +"Yes!" said he; "Jess the minister's maid told me last night, that you +had been giving up your name at the manse. Ay, it's ower true--for she +showed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story, +Mansie, my man, and you only at your prenticeship yet." + +Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still and as stiff as +a web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and I could not contradict him. +Jamie folded his arms, and went away whistling, turning every now and +then his sooty face over his shoulder, and mostly sticking his tune, as +he could not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I not have +given to have laughed too! + +There was no time to be lost: this was the Saturday. The next rising sun +would shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what a case I was in! I could mostly +have drowned myself, had I not been frighted. What could I do? My love +had vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff! Instead +of gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs Walnut for a penny, with which I bought +at the counter a sheet of paper and a pen; so that in the afternoon I +wrote out a letter to the minister, telling him what I had been given to +hear, and begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to believe Jess's word, +as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a leeing gipsy. + + + + +CHAPTER V.--CURSECOWL. + + + From his red poll a redder cowl hung down; + His jacket, if through grease we guess, was brown; + A vigorous scamp, some forty summers old; + Rough Shetland stockings up his thighs were roll'd; + While at his side horn-handled steels and knives + Gleam'd from his pouch, and thirsted for sheeps' lives. + + ODOHERTY'S _Miscellanea Classica_. + +But, losh me! I have come on too far already, before mentioning a +wonderful thing that happened to me when I was only seven years old. Few +things in my eventful life have made a deeper impression on me than what +I am going to relate. + +It was the custom, in those times, for the different schools to have cock- +fighting on Fastern's E'en; and the victor, as he was called, treated the +other scholars to a football. Many a dust have I seen rise out of that +business--broken shins and broken heads, sore bones and sound +duckings--but this was none of these. + +Our next neighbour was a flesher; and right before the window was a large +stone, on which old wives with their weans would sometimes take a rest; +so what does I, when I saw the whole hobble-shaw coming fleeing down the +street, with the kick-ba' at their noses, but up I speels upon the stone, +(I was a wee chap with a daidley, a ruffled shirt, and leather cap edged +with rabbit fur,) that I might see all the fun. This one fell, and that +one fell, and a third was knocked over, and a fourth got a bloody nose: +and so on; and there was such a noise and din, as would have deaved the +workmen of Babel--when, lo! and behold! the ball played bounce mostly at +my feet, and the whole mob after it. I thought I should have been dung +to pieces; so I pressed myself back with all my might, and through went +my elbow into Cursecowl's kitchen. It did not stick long there. Before +you could say Jack Robison, out flew the flesher in his killing-clothes; +his face was as red as fire, and he had his pouch full of bloody knives +buckled to his side. I skreighed out in his face when I looked at him, +but he did not stop a moment for that. With a girn that was like to rive +his mouth, he twisted his nieve in the back of my hair, and off with me +hanging by the cuff of the neck, like a kittling. My eyes were like to +loup out of my head, but I had no breath to cry. I heard him thraw the +key, for I could not look down, the skin of my face was pulled so tight; +and in he flang me like a pair of old boots into his booth, where I +landed on my knees upon a raw bloody calf's skin. I thought I would have +gone out of my wits, when I heard the door locked upon me, and looked +round me in such an unearthly place. It had only one sparred window, and +there was a garden behind; but how was I to get out? I danced round and +round about, stamping my heels on the floor, and rubbing my begritten +face with my coat sleeve. To make matters worse, it was wearing to the +darkening. The floor was all covered with lappered blood, and sheep and +calf skins. The calves and the sheep themselves, with their cuttit +throats, and glazed een, and ghastly girning faces, were hanging about on +pins, heels uppermost. Losh me! I thought on Bluebeard and his wives in +the bloody chamber! + +And all the time it was growing darker and darker, and more dreary; and +all was as quiet as death itself. It looked, by all the world, like a +grave, and me buried alive within it; till the rottens came out of their +holes to lick the blood, and whisked about like wee evil spirits. I +thought on my father and my mother, and how I should never see them more; +for I was sure that Cursecowl would come in the dark, tie my hands and +feet thegither, and lay me across the killing-stool. I grew more and +more frightened; and it grew more and more dark. I thought all the sheep- +heads were looking at one another, and then girn-girning at me. At last +I grew desperate; and my hair was as stiff as wire, though it was as wet +as if I had been douking in the Esk. I began to bite through the wooden +spars with my teeth, and rugged at them with my nails, till they were +like to come off--but no, it would not do. At length, when I had greeted +myself mostly blind, and cried till I was as hoarse as a corbie, I saw +auld Janet Hogg taking in her bit washing from the bushes, and I reeled +and screamed till she heard me.--It was like being transported into +heaven; for, in less than no time, my mother, with her apron at her eyes, +was at the door; and Cursecowl, with a candle in the front of his hat, +had scarcely thrawn the key, when out I flew; and she lifted up her foot, +(I dare say it was the first and last time in her life, for she was a +douce woman,) and gave him such a kick and a push, that he played bleach +over, head foremost, without being able to recover himself; and, as we +ran down the close, we heard him cursing and swearing in the dark, like a +devil incarnate. + + + + +CHAPTER VI.--PUSHING MY FORTUNE. + + + Oh, love, love, lassie, + Love is like a dizziness, + It winna let a puir bodie + Gang about their business. + + JAMES HOGG. + +The days of the years of my prenticeship having glided cannily over on +the working-board of my respected maister, James Hosey, where I sat +sewing cross-legged like a busy bee, in the true spirit of industrious +contentment, I found myself, at the end of the seven year, so well +instructed in the tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sighted +attention, that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a proud +determination of at once cutting my mother's apron string, and venturing +to go without a hold. Thinks I to myself, "faint heart never won fair +lady;" so, taking my stick in my hand, I set out towards Edinburgh, as +brave as a Highlander, in search of a journeyman's place. When I think +how many have been out of bread, month after month, making vain +application at the house of call, I may set it down to an especial +Providence, that I found a place, on the very first day, to my heart's +content, in by at the Grassmarket, where I stayed for the space of six +calendar months. + +Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to my future +employers, whomsoever they might be, in making myself a first-rate hand +in the cutting, shaping, and sewing line, I would not have found courage +in my breast to have helped me out through such a long and dreary time. +The change from our own town, where every face was friendly, and where I +could ken every man I saw, by the cut of his coat, at half a mile's +distance, to the bum and bustle of the High Street, the tremendous +cannons of the Castle, packed full of soldiers ready for war, and the +filthy, ill-smelling abominations of the Cowgate, where I put up, was +almost more than could be tholed by man of woman born. My lodging was up +six pair of stairs, in a room of Widow Randie's, which I rented for half- +a-crown a-week, coals included; and many a time, after putting out my +candle, before stepping into my bed, I used to look out at the window, +where I could see thousands and thousands of lamps, spreading for miles +adown streets and through squares, where I did not know a living soul; +and dreeing the awful and insignificant sense of being a lonely stranger +in a foreign land. Then would the memory of past days return to me; yet +I had the same trust in Heaven as I had before, seeing that they were the +dividual stars above my head which I used to glour up at in wonder at +Dalkeith--pleasant Dalkeith! ay, how different, with its bonny river Esk, +its gardens full of gooseberry bushes and pear-trees, its grass parks +spotted with sheep, and its grand green woods, from the bullying +blackguards, the comfortless reek, and the nasty gutters of the +Netherbow. + +To those, nevertheless, that take the world as they find it, there are +pleasures in all situations; nor was mine, bad though I allow it to be, +entirely destitute of them; for our work-room being at the top of the +stairs, and the light of heaven coming down through skylights, three in +number, we could, by putting out our heads, have a vizzy of the grand +ancient building of George Heriot's Hospital, with the crowds of young +laddies playing through the grass parks, with their bit brown coaties, +and shining leather caps, like a wheen puddocks; and all the sweet +country out by Barrowmuirhead, and thereaway; together with the +Corstorphine Hills--and the Braid Hills--and the Pentland Hills--and all +the rest of the hills, covered here and there with tufts of blooming +whins, as yellow as the beaten gold--spotted round about their bottoms +with green trees, and growing corn, but with tops as bare as a +gaberlunzie's coat--kepping the rowling clouds on their awful shoulders +on cold and misty days; and freckled over with the flowers of the purple +heather, on which the shy moorfowl take a delight to fatten and fill +their craps, through the cosey months of the blythe summer time. + +Let nobody take it amiss, yet I must bear witness to the truth, though +the devil should have me. My heart was sea-sick of Edinburgh folk and +town manners, for the which I had no stomach. I could form no friendly +acquaintanceship with a living soul; so I abode by myself, like St John +in the Isle of Patmos, on spare allowance, making a sheep-head serve me +for three days' kitchen. I longed like a sailor that has been far at +sea, and wasted and weatherbeaten, to see once more my native home; and, +bundling up, flee from the noisy stramash to the loun dykeside of +domestic privacy. Every thing around me seemed to smell of sin and +pollution, like the garments of the Egyptians with the ten plagues; and +often, after I took off my clothes to lie down in my bed, when the +watchmen that guarded us through the night in blue dreadnoughts with red +necks, and battons, and horn-bouets, from thieves, murderers, and +pickpockets, were bawling, "Half-past ten o'clock," did I commune with my +own heart, and think within myself, that I would rather be a sober, poor, +honest man in the country, able to clear my day and way by the help of +Providence, than the Provost himself, my lord though he be, or even the +Mayor of London, with his velvet gown trailing for yards in the glaur +behind him--do what he likes to keep it up; or riding about the +streets--as Joey Smith the Yorkshire jockey, to whom I made a hunting- +cap, told me--in a coach made of clear crystal, and wheels of the beaten +gold. + +It was an awful business; dog on it, I ay wonder yet how I got through +with it. There was no rest for soul or body, by night or day, with +police-officers crying, "One o'clock, an' a frosty morning," knocking +Eirishmen's teeth down their throats with their battons, hauling limmers +by the lug and horn into the lock-up-house, or over by to Bridewell, +where they were set to beat hemp for a small wage, and got their heads +shaved; with carters bawling, "Ye yo, yellow sand, yellow sand," with +mouths as wide as a barn-door, and voices that made the drums of your +ears dirl, and ring again like mad; with fishwives from Newhaven, +Cockenzie, and Fisherrow, skirling, "Roug-a-rug, warstling herring," as +if every one was trying to drown out her neighbour, till the very +landladies, at the top of the seventeen story houses, could hear, if they +liked to be fashed, and might come down at their leisure to buy them at +three for a penny; men from Barnton, and thereaway on the Queensferry +Road, halloing "Sour douk, sour douk;" tinklers skirmishing the edges of +brown plates they were trying to make the old wives buy--and what not. To +me it was a real hell upon earth. + +Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is ordered for the +best. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found out their brother Joseph in +a foreign land, and where they least expected it; so it was here--even +here, where my heart was sickening unto death, from my daily and nightly +thoughts being as bitter as gall--that I fell in with the greatest +blessing of my life, Nanse Cromie! + +In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs Whitteraick, the wife of Mr +Whitteraick, a dealer in hens and hams in the poultry market, that had +been fallen in with, when her gudeman was riding out on his bit sheltie +in the Lauder direction, bargaining with the farmers for their ducks, +chickens, gaislings, geese, turkey-pouts, howtowdies, guinea-hens, and +other barn-door fowls; and, among his other calls, having happened to +make a transaction with her father, anent some Anchovy-ducks, he, by a +warm invitation, was kindly pressed to remain for the night. + +The upshot of the business was, that, on mounting his pony to make the +best of his way home, next morning after breakfast, Maister Whitteraick +found he was shot through the heart with a stound of love; and that, +unless a suitable remedy could be got, there was no hope for him on this +side of time, let alone blowing out his brains, or standing before the +minister. Right it was in him to run the risk of deciding on the last; +and so well did he play his game, that, in two months from that date, +after sending sundry presents on his part to the family, of smeaked hams +and salt tongues--acknowledged on theirs, by return of carrier, in the +shape of sucking pigs, jargonelle pears, skim-milk cheeses, and such +like--matters were soldered; and Miss Jeanie Learig, made into Mrs +Whitteraick by the blessing of Dr Blether, rode away into Edinburgh in a +post-chaise, with a brown and a black horse, one blind, and the other +lame, seated cheek-by-jowl with her loving spouse, who, doubtless, was +busked out in his best, with a Manchester superfine blue coat, and double +gilt buttons, a waterproof hat, silk stockings, with open-steek gushats, +and bright yellow shamoy gloves. + +A stranger among strangers, and not knowing how she might thole the +company and conversation of town-life, Mrs Whitteraick that was to be, +hired a bit wench of a lassie from the neighbourhood, that was to follow +her, come the term. And who think ye should this lassie be, but Nanse +Cromie--afterwards, in the course of a kind Providence, the honoured wife +of my bosom, and the mother of bonny Benjie. + +In going up and down the stairs--it being a common entry, ye observe--me +maybe going down with my everyday hat on to my dinner, and she coming up, +carrying a stoup of water, or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on a +plate, with a piece paper thrown over it--we frequently met half-way, and +had to stand still to let one another pass. Nothing came out of these +fore-gatherings, howsomever, for a month or two, she being as shy and +modest as she was bonny, with her clean demity short-gown, and snow-white +morning mutch, to say nothing of her cherry mouth, and her glancing eyes; +and me unco douffie in making up to strangers. We could not help, +nevertheless, to take aye a stolen look of each other in passing; and I +was a gone man, bewitched out of my seven senses, falling from my +clothes, losing my stomach, and over the lugs in love, three weeks and +some odd days before ever a single syllable passed between us. + +Gude kens how long this Quaker-meeting-like silence would have continued, +had we not chanced to foregather one gloaming; and I, having gotten a +dram from one of our customers with a hump-back, at the Crosscausey, +whose fashionable new coat I had been out fitting on, found myself as +brave as a Bengal tiger, and said to her, "This is a fine day, I say, my +dear Nancy." + +The ice being once broken, every thing went on as smoothly as ye like; +so, in the long run, we went like lightning from two-handed cracks on the +stair-head, to stown walks, after work-hours, out by the West Port, and +thereaway. + +If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me, Mansie Wauch--and I +take no shame in the confession; but, knowing it all in the course of +nature, declare it openly and courageously in the face of the wide world. +Let them laugh who like; honest folk, I pity them; such know not the +pleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful hearts +that the fire of true love can ever burn clear. Alas, and ohon orie! +they lose the sweetest, completest, dearest, truest pleasure that this +world has in store for its children. They know not the bliss to meet, +that makes the embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed the +dreams that make wakening to the morning light unpleasant. They never +felt the raptures that can dirl like darts through a man's soul from a +woman's eye. They never tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's lip, +sweeter than yellow marygolds to the bee; or fretted under the fever of +bliss that glows through the frame in pressing the hand of a suddenly +met, and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts--hech-how! my day has long +since passed; and this is stuff to drop from the lips of an auld fool. +Nevertheless, forgive me, friends: I cannot help all-powerful nature. + +Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another in abusing great +cities, which are all chokeful of the abominations of the Scarlet Woman; +and it is curious how soon I learned to be up to trap--I mean in an +honest way; for, when she said she was wearying the very heart out of her +to be home again to Lauder, which she said was her native, and the true +land of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer--"Nancy, my dear, +believe me that the real land of Goshen is out at Dalkeith; and if ye'll +take up with me, and enter into a way of doing, I daursay in a while +ye'll come to think so too." + +What will ye say there? Matters were by-and-bye settled full tosh +between us; and, though the means of both parties were small, we were +young, and able and willing to help one another. Nanse, out of her +wages, had hained a trifle; and I had safe lodged under lock-and-key in +the Bank of Scotland, against the time of my setting up, the siller which +was got by selling the bit house of granfaither's, on the death of my +ever-to-be-lamented mother, who survived her helpmate only six months, +leaving me an orphan lad in a wicked world, obliged to fend, forage, and +look out for myself. + +Taking matters into account, therefore, and considering that it is not +good for man to be alone, Nanse and me laid our heads together towards +the taking a bit house in the fore-street of Dalkeith; and at our leisure +kept a look-out about buying the plenishing--the expense of which, for +different littles and littles, amounted to more than we expected; yet, to +our hearts' content, we made some most famous second-hand bargains of +sprechery, amongst the old-furniture warehousemen of the Cowgate. I +might put down here the prices of the room-grate, the bachelor's oven, +the cheese-toaster, and the warming-pan especially, which, though it had +a wheen holes in it, kept a fine polish; but, somehow or other, have lost +the receipt, and cannot make true affidavy. + +Certain it is, whatever cadgers may say to the contrary, that the back is +aye made for the burden; and, were all to use the means, and be +industrious, many, that wyte bad harvests, and worse times, would have, +like the miller in the auld sang, "A penny in the purse for dinner and +for supper," or better to finish the verse, "Gin ye please a guid fat +cheese, and lumps of yellow butter." + +For two three days, I must confess, after Maister Wiggie had gone through +the ceremony of tying us together, and Nanse and me found ourselves in +the comfortable situation of man and wife, I was a wee dowie and +desponding, thinking that we were to have a numerous small family, and +where trade was to come from; but no sooner was my sign nailed up, with, +four iron hold-fasts, by Johnny Hammer, painted in black letters on a +blue ground, with a picture of a jacket on one side, and a pair of shears +on the other,--and my shop-door opened to the public, with a wheen ready- +made waistcoats, gallowses, leather-caps and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at +the window, than business flowed in upon us in a perfect torrent. First +one came in for his measure, and then another. A wife came in for a pair +of red worsted boots for her bairn, but would not take them for they had +not blue fringes. A bareheaded lassie, hoping to be handsel, threw down +twopence, and asked tape at three yards for a halfpenny. The minister +sent an old black coat beneath his maid's arm, pinned up in a towl, to +get docked in the tails down into a jacket; which I trust I did to his +entire satisfaction, making it fit to a hair. The Duke's butler himself +patronized me, by sending me a coat which was all hair-powder and pomate, +to get a new neck put to it. And James Batter, aye a staunch friend of +the family, dispatched a barefoot cripple lassie down the close to me, +with a brown paper parcel, tied with skinie, and having a memorandum +letter sewed on the top of it, and wafered with a wafer. It ran as +follows; "Maister Batter has sent down, per the bearer, with his +compliments to Mr Wauch, a cuttikin of corduroy, deficient in the instep, +which please let out, as required. Maister Wauch will also please be so +good as observe, that three of the buttons have sprung the thorls, which +he will be obliged to him to replace, at his earliest convenience. Please +send me a message what that may be; and have the account made out, +article for article, and duly discharged, that I may send down the bearer +with the change; and to bring me back the cuttikin and the account, to +save time and trouble. I am, dear sir, your most obedient friend, and +ever most sincerely, + +"JAMES BATTER." + +No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was the prettiest ye +ever saw, though the jacket was not just so neatly painted, as for some +sand-blind creatures not to take it for a goose. I daresay there were +fifty half-naked bairns glowring their eyes out of their heads at it, +from morning till night; and, after they all were gone to their beds, +both Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation in life, +that we slipped out in the dark by ourselves, and had a prime look at it +with a lantern. + + + + +CHAPTER VII.--THE FOREWARNING. + + + I had a dream which was not all a dream. + + BYRON. + + Coming events cast their shadows before. + + CAMPBELL. + +On first commencing business, I have freely confessed, I believe, that I +was unco solicitous of custom, though less from sinful, selfish motives, +than from the, I trust, laudable fear I had about becoming in a jiffy the +father of a small family, every one with a mouth to fill and a back to +cleid--helpless bairns, with nothing to look to or lean on, save and +except the proceeds of my daily handiwork. Nothing, however, is sure in +this world, as Maister Wiggie more than once took occasion to observe, +when lecturing on the house built by the foolish man on the sea-sands; +for months passed on, and better passed on; and these, added together by +simple addition, amounted to three years; and still neither word nor +wittens of a family, to perpetuate our name to future generations, +appeared to be forthcoming. + +Between friends, I make no secret of the matter, that this was a +catastrophe which vexed me not a little, for more reasons than one. In +the first place, youngsters being a bond of mutual affection between man +and wife, sweeter than honey from the comb, and stronger than the Roman +cement with which the old Picts built their bridges, that will last till +the day of doom. In the second place, bairns toddling round a bit ingle +make a house look like itself, especially in the winter time, when +hailstanes rattle on the window, and winds roar like the voices of mighty +giants at the lum-head; for then the maister of the dwelling finds +himself like an ancient patriarch, and the shepherd of a flock, tender as +young lambs, yet pleasant to his eye, and dear to his heart. And, in the +third place, (for I'll speak the truth and shame the deil,) as I could +not thole the gibes and idle tongues of a wheen fools, that, for their +diversion, would be asking me, "How the wife and bairns were; and if I +had sent my auldest laddie to the school yet?" + +I have swithered within myself for more than half-an-hour whether I +should relate a circumstance bordering a little on the supernatural line, +that happened to me, as connected with the business of the bairns of +which I have just been speaking; and, were it for no other reason, but +just to plague the scoffer that sits in his elbow-chair, I have +determined to jot down the whole miraculous paraphernally in black and +white. With folk that will not listen to the voice of reason, it is +needless to be wasterful of words; so them that like, may either prin +their faith to my coat-sleeve, about what I am going to relate, or +not--just as they choose. All that I can say in my defence, and as an +affidavy to my veracity, is, that I have been thirty year an elder of +Maister Wiggie's kirk--and that is no joke. The matter I make free to +consider is not a laughing concern, nor any thing belonging to the Merry- +Andrew line; and, if folk were but strong in the faith, there is no +saying what may come to pass for their good. One might as well hold up +their brazen face, and pretend not to believe any thing--neither the +Witch of Endor raising up Samuel; nor Cornel Gardener's vision; nor +Johnny Wilkes and the De'il; nor Peden's prophecies. + +Nanse and me aye made what they call an anniversary of our wedding-day, +which happened to be the fifth of November, the very same as that on +which the Gunpowder Plot chances to be occasionally held--Sundays +excepted. According to custom, this being the fourth year, we collected +a good few friends to a tea-drinking; and had our cracks and a glass or +two of toddy. Thomas Burlings, if I mind, was there, and his wife; and +Deacon Paunch, he was a bachelor; and likewise James Batter; and David +Sawdust and his wife, and their four bairns, good customers; and a wheen +more, that, without telling a lie, I could not venture to particularize +at this moment, though maybe I may mind them when I am not wanting--but +no matter.--Well, as I was saying, after they all went away, and Nanse +and me, after locking the door, slipped to our bed, I had one of the most +miraculous dreams recorded in the history of man; more especially if we +take into consideration where, when, and to whom it happened. + +At first I thought I was sitting by the fireside, where the cat and the +kittling were playing with a mouse they had catched in the meal-kit, +cracking with James Batter on check-reels for yarn, and the cleverest way +of winding pirns, when, all at once, I thought myself transplanted back +to the auld world--forgetting the tailoring trade; broad and narrow +cloth; worsted boots and Kilmarnock cowls; pleasant Dalkeith; our late +yearly ploy; my kith and kindred; the friends of the people; the Duke's +parks; and so on--and found myself walking beneath beautiful trees, from +the branches of which hung apples, and oranges, and cocky-nuts, and figs, +and raisins, and plumdamases, and corry-danders, and more than the tongue +of man can tell, while all the birds and beasts seemed as tame as our +bantings; in fact, just as they were in the days of Adam and Eve--Bengal +tigers passing by on this hand, and Russian bears on that, rowing +themselves on the grass, out of fun; while peacocks, and magpies, and +parrots, and cockytoos, and yorlins, and grey-linties, and all birds of +sweet voice and fair feather, sported among the woods, as if they had +nothing to do but sit and sing in the sweet sunshine, having dread +neither of the net of the fowler, the double-barrelled gun of the +gamekeeper, nor the laddies' girn set with moolings of bread. It was +real paradise; and I found myself fairly lifted off my feet and +transported out of my seven senses. + +While sauntering about at my leisure, with my Sunday hat on, and a pair +of clean white cotton stockings, in this heavenly mood, under the green +trees, and beside the still waters, out of which beautiful salmon trouts +were sporting and leaping, methought in a moment I fell down in a trance, +as flat as a flounder, and I heard a voice visibly saying to me, "Thou +shalt have a son; let him be christened Benjamin!" The joy that this +vision brought my spirit thrilled through my bones, like the sounds of a +blind man grinding "Rule Britannia" out of an organ, and my senses +vanished from me into a kind of slumber on rousing from which I thought I +found myself walking, all dressed, with powdered hair, and a long tye +behind, just like a grand gentleman, with a valuable bamboo walking-stick +in my hand, among green yerbs and flowers, like an auncient hermit far +away among the hills, at the back of beyont; as if broad cloth and +buckram had never been heard tell of, and serge, twist, pocket-linings, +and shamoy leather, were matters with which mortal man had no concern. + +Speak of auld-light or new-light as ye like, for my own part I am not +much taken up with any of your warlock and wizard tribe; I have no brew +of your auld Major Weir, or Tam o' Shanter, or Michael Scott, or Thomas +the Rhymer's kind, knocking in pins behind doors to make decent folk +dance, jig, cut, and shuffle themselves to death--splitting the hills as +ye would spelder a haddy, and playing all manner of evil pranks, and +sinful abominations, till their crafty maister, Auld Nick, puts them to +their mettle, by setting them to twine ropes out of sea-sand, and such +like. I like none of your paternosters, and saying of prayers backwards, +or drawing lines with chalk round ye, before crying, + + "Redcowl, redcowl, come if ye daur; + Lift the sneck, and draw the bar. + +I never, in the whole course of my life, was fond of lending the sanction +of my countenance to any thing that was not canny; and, even when I was a +wee smout of a callant, with my jacket and trowsers buttoned all in one, +I never would play, on Hallo'-e'en night, at any thing else but douking +for apples, burning nuts, pulling kail-runts, foul water and clean, +drapping the egg, or trying who was to be your sweetheart out of the +lucky-bag. + +As I have often thought, and sometimes taken occasion to observe, it +would be well for us all to profit by experience--"burned bairns should +dread the fire," as the proverb goes. After the miserable catastrophe of +the playhouse, for instance--which I shall afterwards have occasion to +commemorate in due time, and in a subsequent chapter of my eventful +life--I would have been worse than mad, had I persisted, night after +night, to pay my shilling for a veesy of vagrants in buckram, and limmers +in silk, parading away at no allowance--as kings and queens, with their +tale--speaking havers that only fools have throats wide enough to +swallow, and giving themselves airs to which they have no more earthly +title than the man in the moon. I say nothing, besides, of their +throwing glamour in honest folks een; but I'll not deny that I have been +told by them who would not lie, and were living witnesses of the +transaction, that, as true as death, they had seen the tane of these +ne'er-do-weels spit the other, through and through, with a +weel-sharpened, old, Highland, forty-second Andrew Ferrary, in single +combat; whereupon, as might reasonably be expected, he would, in the +twinkling of a farthing rushlight, fall down as dead as a bag of sand; +yet, by their rictum-ticktum, rise-up-Jack, slight-of-hand, hocus-pocus +way, would be on his legs, brushing the stour from his breeches knees, +before the green curtain was half-way down. James Batter himself once +told me, that, when he was a laddie, he saw one of these clanjamphrey go +in behind the scenes with nankeen trowsers, a blue coat out at the +elbows, and fair hair hanging over his ears, and in less than no time +come out a real negro, as black as Robinson Crusoe's man Friday, with a +jacket on his back of Macgregor tartan, and as good a pair of buckskin +breeches as jockey ever mounted horse in at a Newmarket race. Where the +silk stockings were wrought, and the Jerusalem sandals made, that he had +on his feet, James Batter used doucely to observe he would leave every +reasonable man to guess at a venture. + +A good story not being the worse of being twice told, I repeat it over +again, that I would have been worse than daft, after the precious warning +it was my fortune to get, to have sanctioned such places with my +presence, in spite of the remonstrances of my conscience--and of Maister +Wiggie--and of the kirk-session. Whenever any thing is carried on out of +the course of nature, especially when accompanied with dancing and +singing, toot-tooing of clarionets, and bumming of bass-fiddles, ye may +be as sure as you are born, that ye run a chance of being deluded out of +your right senses--that the sounds are by way of lulling the soul +asleep--and that, to the certainty of a without-a-doubt, you are in the +heat and heart of one of the devil's rendevooses. + +To say no more, I was once myself, for example, at one of our Dalkeith +fairs, present in a hay-loft--I think they charged threepence at the +door, but let me in with a grudge for twopence, but no matter--to see a +punch and puppie-show business, and other slight-of-hand work. Well, the +very moment I put my neb within the door, I was visibly convinced of the +smell of burnt roset, with which I understand they make lightning, and +knew, as well as maybe, what they had been trafficking about with their +black art; but, nevertheless, having a stout heart, I determined to sit +still, and see what they would make of it, knowing well enough, that, as +long as I had the Psalm-book in my pocket, they would be gay and clever +to throw any of their blasted cantrips over me. + +What do ye think they did? One of them, a wauf, drucken-looking +scoundrel, fired a gold ring over the window, and mostly set fire to the +thatch house opposite--which was not insured. Yet where think ye did the +ring go to? With my living een I saw it taken out of auld Willie +Turneep's waistcoat pouch, who was sitting blind fou, with his mouth +open, on one of the back seats; so, by no earthly possibility could it +have got there, except by whizzing round the gable, and in through the +steeked door by the key-hole. + +Folk may say what they chuse by way of apology, but I neither like nor +understand such on-going as changing sterling silver half-crowns into +copper penny-pieces, or mending a man's coat--as they did mine, after +cutting a blad out of one of the tails--by the black-art. + +But, hout-tout, one thing and another coming across me, had almost clean +made me forget explaining to the world, the upshot of my extraordinary +vision; but better late than never--and now for it. + +Nanse, on finding herself in a certain way, was a thought dumfoundered; +and instead of laughing, as she did at first, when I told her my dream, +she soon came to regard the matter as one of sober earnest. The very +prospect of what was to happen threw a gleam of comfort round our bit +fireside: and, long ere the day had come about which was to crown our +expectations, Nanse was prepared with her bit stock of baby's wearing +apparel, and all necessaries appertaining thereto--wee little mutches +with lace borders, and side-knots of blue three-ha'penny ribbon--long +muslin frockies, vandyked across the breast, drawn round the waist with +narrow nittings, and tucked five rows about the tail--Welsh-flannel +petticoaties--demity wrappers--a coral gum-stick, and other uncos, which +it does not befit the like of me to particularize. I trust, on my part, +as far as in me lay, I was not found wanting; having taken care to +provide a famous Dunlop cheese, at fivepence-halfpenny the pound--I +believe I paled fifteen, in Joseph Gowdy's shop, before I fixed on it;--to +say nothing of a bottle, or maybe two, of real peat-reek, Farintosh, +small-still Hieland whisky--Glenlivat, I think, is the name o't--half a +peck of shortbread, baken by Thomas Burlings, with three pounds of +butter, and two ounces of carvie-seeds in it, let alone orange-peel, and +a pennyworth of ground cinnamon--half a mutchkin of best cony brandy, by +way of change--and a Musselburgh ankerstoke, to slice down for +tea-drinkings and posset cups. + +Every one has reason to be thankful, and me among the rest; for many a +worse provided for, and less welcome down-lying has taken place, time out +of mind, throughout broad Scotland. I say this with a warm heart, as I +am grateful for all my mercies. To hundreds above hundreds such a +catastrophe brings scarcely any joy at all; but it was far different with +me, who had a Benjamin to look for. + +If the reader will be so kind as to look over the next chapter, he will +find whether or not I was disappointed in my expectations. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII.--LETTING LODGINGS. + + + Then first he ate the white puddings, + And syne he ate the black, O; + Though muckle thought the Gudewife to hersell, + Yet ne'er a word she spak, O. + But up then started our Gudeman, + And an angry man was he, O. + + _Old Song_. + +It would be curious if I passed over a remarkable incident, which at this +time fell out. Being but new beginners in the world, the wife and I put +our heads constantly together to contrive for our forward advancement, as +it is the bounden duty of all to do. So our housie being rather large, +(two rooms and a kitchen, not speaking of a coal-cellar and a hen-house,) +and having as yet only the expectation of a family, we thought we could +not do better than get John Varnish the painter, to do off a small +ticket, with "A Furnished Room to Let" on it, which we nailed out at the +window; having collected into it the choicest of our furniture, that it +might fit a genteeler lodger and produce a better rent--And a lodger soon +we got. + +Dog on it! I think I see him yet. He was a blackaviced Englishman, with +curled whiskers and a powdered pow, stout round the waistband, and fond +of good eating, let alone drinking, as we found to our cost. Well, he +was our first lodger. We sought a good price, that we might, on +bargaining, have the merit of coming down a tait; but no, no--go away wi' +ye; it was dog-cheap to him. The half-guinea a-week was judged perfectly +moderate; but if all his debts were--yet I must not cut before the cloth. + +Hang expenses! was the order of the day. Ham and eggs for breakfast, let +alone our currant jelly. Roast-mutton cold, and strong ale at twelve, by +way of check, to keep away wind from the stomach. Smoking roast-beef, +with scraped horse raddish, at four precisely; and toasted cheese, punch, +and porter, for supper. It would have been less, had all the things been +within ourselves. Nothing had we but the cauler new-laid eggs; then +there was Deacon Heukbane's butcher's account; and John Cony's spirit +account; and Thomas Burlings' bap account; and deevil kens how many more +accounts, that came all in upon us afterwards. But the crowning of all +was reserved for the end. It was no farce at the time, and kept our +heads down at the water edge for many a day. I was just driving the hot +goose along the seams of a Sunday jacket I was finishing for Thomas Clod +the ploughman, when the Englisher came in at the shop door, whistling +"Robert Adair," and "Scots wha ha'e wi' Wallace bled," and whiles, maybe, +churming to himself like a young blackbird;--but I have not patience to +go through with it. The long and the short of the matter, however, was, +that, after rummaging among my two or three webs of broadcloth on the +shelf, he pitched on a Manchester blue, five quarters wide, marked +CXD.XF, which is to say, three-and-twenty shillings the yard. I told him +it was impossible to make a pair of pantaloons to him in two hours; but +he insisted upon having them, alive or dead, as he had to go down the +same afternoon to dine with my Lord Duke, no less. I convinced him, that +if I was to sit up all night, he could get them by five next morning, if +that would do, as I would also keep my laddie, Tammy Bodkin, out of his +bed; but no--I thought he would have jumped out of his seven senses. +"Just look," he said, turning up the inside seam of the leg--"just +see--can any gentleman make a visit in such things as these? they are as +full of holes as a coal-sieve. I wonder the devil why my baggage has not +come forward. Can I get a horse and boy to ride express to Edinburgh for +a ready-made article?" + +A thought struck me; for I had heard of wonderful advancement in the +world, for those who had been so lucky as help the great at a pinch. "If +ye'll no take it amiss, sir," said I, making my obedience, "a notion has +just struck me." + +"Well, what is it?" said he briskly. + +"Well, sir, I have a pair of knee-breeches, of most famous velveteen, +double tweel, which have been only once on my legs, and that no farther +gone than last Sabbath. I'm pretty sure they would fit ye in the +meantime; and I would just take a pleasure in driving the needle all +night, to get your own ready." + +"A clever thought," said the Englisher. "Do you think they would fit +me?--Devilish clever thought, indeed." + +"To a hair," I answered; and cried to Nanse to bring the velveteens. + +I do not think he was ten minutes, when lo, and behold! out at the door +he went, and away past the shop-window like a lamplighter. The buttons +on the velveteens were glittering like gold at the knees. Alas! it was +like the flash of the setting sun; I never beheld them more. He was to +have been back in two or three hours, but the laddie, with the box on his +shoulder, was going through the street crying "Hot penny-pies" for +supper, and neither word nor wittens of him. I began to be a thought +uneasy, and fidgeted on the board like a hen on a hot girdle. No man +should do any thing when he is vexed, but I could not help giving Tammy +Bodkin, who was sewing away at the lining of the new pantaloons, a +terrible whisk in the lug for singing to himself. I say I was vexed for +it afterwards; especially as the laddie did not mean to give offence; and +as I saw the blae marks of my four fingers along his chaft-blade. + +The wife had been bothering me for a new gown, on strength of the payment +of our grand bill; and in came she, at this blessed moment of time, with +about twenty swatches from Simeon Calicoe's prinned on a screed of paper. + +"Which of these do you think bonniest?" said Nanse, in a flattering way; +"I ken, Mansie, you have a good taste." + +"Cut not before the cloth," answered I, "gudewife," with a wise shake of +my head. "It'll be time enough, I daresay, to make your choice +to-morrow." + +Nanse went out as if her nose had been blooding. I could thole it no +longer; so, buttoning my breeches-knees, I threw my cowl into a corner, +clapped my hat on my head, and away down in full birr to the Duke's gate. + +I speired at the porter, if the gentleman with the velveteen breeches and +powdered hair, that was dining with the Duke, had come up the avenue yet? + +"Velveteen breeches and powdered hair!" said auld Paul laughing, and +taking the pipe out of his cheek, "whose butler is't that ye're after?" + +"Well," said I to him, "I see it all as plain as a pikestaff. He is off +bodily; but may the meat and the drink he has taken off us be like drogs +to his inside; and may the velveteens play crack, and cast the steeks at +every step he takes!" It was no Christian wish; and Paul laughed till he +was like to burst, at my expense. "Gang your ways hame, Mansie," said he +to me, clapping me on the shoulder as if I had been a wean, "and give +over setting traps, for ye see you have catched a Tartar." + +This was too much; first to be cheated by a swindling loon, and then made +game of by a flunkie; and, in my desperation, I determined to do some +awful thing. + +Nanse followed me in from the door, and asked what news?--I was ower big, +and ower vexed to hear her; so, never letting on, I went to the little +looking-glass on the drawers' head, and set it down on the table. Then I +looked myself in it for a moment, and made a gruesome face. Syne I +pulled out the little drawer, and got the sharping strap, the which I +fastened to my button. Syne I took my razor from the box, and gave it +five or six turns along first one side and then the other, with great +precision. Syne I tried the edge of it along the flat of my hand. Syne +I loosed my neckcloth, and laid it over the back of the chair; and syne I +took out the button of my shirt-neck, and folded it back. Nanse, who +was, all the time, standing behind, looking what I was after, asked me, +"if I was going to shave without hot water?" when I said to her in a +fierce and brave manner, (which was very cruel, considering the way she +was in,) "I'll let you see that presently." The razor looked desperate +sharp; and I never liked the sight of blood; but oh, I was in a terrible +flurry and fermentation. A kind of cold trembling went through me; and I +thought it best to tell Nanse what I was going to do, that she might be +something prepared for it. "Fare ye well, my dear!" said I to her, "you +will be a widow in five minutes--for here goes!" I did not think she +could have mustered so much courage, but she sprang at me like a tiger; +and, throwing the razor into the ass-hole, took me round the neck, and +cried like a bairn. First she was seized with a fit of the hystericks, +and then with her pains. It was a serious time for us both, and no joke; +for my heart smote me for my sin and cruelty. But I did my best to make +up for it. I ran up and down like mad for the Howdie, and at last +brought her trotting along with me by the lug. I could not stand it. I +shut myself up in the shop with Tammy Bodkin, like Daniel in the lions' +den; and every now and then opened the door to speir what news. Oh, but +my heart was like to break with anxiety! I paced up and down, and to and +fro, with my Kilmarnock on my head and my hands in my breeches pockets, +like a man out of Bedlam. I thought it would never be over; but, at the +second hour of the morning, I heard a wee squeel, and knew that I was a +father; and so proud was I, that notwithstanding our loss, Lucky +Bringthereout and me whanged away at the cheese and bread, and drank so +briskly at the whisky and foot-yill, that, when she tried to rise and go +away, she could not stir a foot. So Tammy and I had to oxter her out +between us, and deliver the howdie herself--safe in at her own door. + + + + +CHAPTER IX.--BENJIE'S CHRISTENING. + + + We'll hap and row, hap and row, + We'll hap and row the feetie o't. + It is a wee bit weary thing, + I dinnie bide the greetie o't. + + PROVOST CREECH. + + An honest man, close button'd to the chin, + Broad-cloth without, and a warm heart within. + + COWPER. + + This great globe and all that it inherits shall dissolve, + And, like the baseless fabric of a vision, + Leave not a rack behind. + + SHAKSPEARE. + +At the christening of our only bairn, Benjie, two or three remarkable +circumstances occurred, which it behoves me to relate. + +It was on a cold November afternoon; and really when the bit room was all +redd up, the fire bleezing away, and the candles lighted, every thing +looked full tosh and comfortable. It was a real pleasure, after looking +out into the drift that was fleeing like mad from the east, to turn one's +neb inwards, and think that we had a civilized home to comfort us in the +dreary season. So, one after another, the bit party we had invited to +the ceremony came papping in; and the crack began to get loud and hearty; +for, to speak the truth, we were blessed with canny friends, and a good +neighbourhood. Notwithstanding, it was very curious, that I had no mind +of asking down James Batter, the weaver, honest man, though he was one of +our own elders; and in papped James, just when the company had haffins +met, with his stocking-sleeves on his arms, his nightcap on his head, and +his blue-stained apron hanging down before him, to light his pipe at our +fire. + +James, when he saw his mistake, was fain to make his retreat; but we +would not hear tell of it, till he came in, and took a dram out of the +bottle, as we told him the not doing so would spoil the wean's beauty, +which is an old freak, (the smallpox, however, afterwards did that;) so, +with much persuasion, he took a chair for a gliff, and began with some of +his drolls--for he is a clever, humoursome man, as ye ever met with. But +he had now got far on with his jests, when lo! a rap came to the door, +and Mysie whipped away the bottle under her apron, saying "Wheesht, +wheesht, for the sake of gudeness, there's the minister!" + +The room had only one door, and James mistook it, running his head, for +lack of knowledge, into the open closet, just as the minister lifted the +outer-door sneck. We were all now sitting on nettles, for we were +frighted that James would be seized with a cough, for he was a wee +asthmatic; or that some, knowing there was a thief in the pantry, might +hurt good manners by breaking out into a giggle. However, all for a +considerable time was quiet, and the ceremony was performed; little +Nancy, our niece, handing the bairn upon my arm to receive its name. So, +we thought, as the minister seldom made a long stay on similar occasions, +that all would pass off well enough--But wait a wee. + +There was but one of our company that had not cast up, to wit, Deacon +Paunch, the flesher, a most worthy man, but tremendously big, and grown +to the very heels; as was once seen on a wager, that his ankle was +greater than my brans. It was really a pain to all feeling Christians, +to see the worthy man waigling about, being, when weighed in his own +scales, two-and-twenty stone ten ounces, Dutch weight. Honest man, he +had had a sore fecht with the wind and the sleet, and he came in with a +shawl roppined round his neck, peching like a broken-winded horse; so +fain was he to find a rest for his weary carcass in our stuffed chintz +pattern elbow-chair by the fire cheek. + +From the soughing of wind at the window, and the rattling in the lum, it +was clear to all manner of comprehension, that the night was a dismal +one; so the minister, seeing so many of his own douce folk about him, +thought he might do worse than volunteer to sit still, and try our toddy: +indeed, we would have pressed him before this to do so; but what was to +come of James Batter, who was shut up in the closet, like the spies in +the house of Rahab the harlot, in the city of Jericho? + +James began to find it was a bad business; and having been driving the +shuttle about from before daylight, he was fain to cruik his hough, and +felt round about him quietly in the dark for a chair to sit down upon, +since better might not be. But, wae's me! the cat was soon out of the +pock. + +Me and the minister were just argle-bargling some few words on the +doctrine of the camel and the eye of the needle, when, in the midst of +our discourse, as all was wheesht and attentive, an awful thud was heard +in the closet, which gave the minister, who thought the house had fallen +down, such a start, that his very wig louped for a full three-eighths off +his crown. I say we were needcessitated to let the cat out of the pock +for two reasons; firstly, because we did not know what had happened; and, +secondly, to quiet the minister's fears, decent man, for he was a wee +nervous. So we made a hearty laugh of it, as well as we could, and +opened the door to bid James Batter come out, as we confessed all. Easier +said than done, howsoever. When we pulled open the door, and took +forward one of the candles, there was James doubled up, sticking twofold +like a rotten in a sneak-trap, in an old chair, the bottom of which had +gone down before him, and which, for some craize about it, had been put +out of the way by Nanse, that no accident might happen. Save us! if the +deacon had sate down upon it, pity on our brick-floor. + +Well, after some ado, we got James, who was more frighted than hurt, +hauled out of his hidy-hole; and after lifting off his cowl, and sleeking +down his front hair, he took a seat beside us, apologeezing for not being +in his Sunday's garb, the which the minister, who was a free and easy +man, declared there was no occasion for, and begged him to make himself +comfortable. + +Well, passing over that business, Mr Wiggie and me entered into our +humours, for the drappikie was beginning to tell on my noddle, and made +me somewhat venturesome--not to say that I was not a little proud to have +the minister in my bit housie; so, says I to him in a cosh way, "Ye may +believe me or no, Mr Wiggie, but mair than me think ye out of sight the +best preacher in the parish--nane of them, Mr Wiggie, can hold the candle +to ye, man." + +"Weesht, weesht," said the body, in rather a cold way that I did not +expect, knowing him to be as proud as a peacock--"I daresay I am just +like my neighbours." + +This was not quite so kind--so says I to him, "Maybe sae, for many a one +thinks ye could not hold a candle to Mr Blowster the Cameronian, that +whiles preaches at Lugton." + +This was a stramp on his corny toe. "Na, na," answered Mr Wiggie, rather +nettled; "let us drop that subject. I preach like my neighbours. Some +of them may be worse, and others better; just as some of your own trade +may make clothes worse, and some better, than yourself." + +My corruption was raised. "I deny that," said I, in a brisk manner, +which I was sorry for after--"I deny that, Mr Wiggie," says I to him; +"I'll make a pair of breeches with the face of clay." + +But this was only a passing breeze, during the which, howsoever, I +happened to swallow my thimble, which accidentally slipped off my middle +finger, causing both me and the company general alarm, as there were +great fears that it might mortify in the stomach; but it did not; and +neither word nor wittens of it have been seen or heard tell of from that +to this day. So, in two or three minutes, we had some few good songs, +and a round of Scotch proverbs, when the clock chapped eleven. We were +all getting, I must confess, a thought noisy; Johnny Soutter having +broken a dram-glass, and Willie Fegs couped a bottle on the bit table- +cloth; all noisy, I say, except Deacon Paunch, douce man, who had fallen +into a pleasant slumber; so, when the minister rose to take his hat, they +all rose except the Deacon, whom we shook by the arms for some time, but +in vain, to waken him. His round, oily face, good creature, was just as +if it had been cut out of a big turnip, it was so fat, fozy, and soft; +but at last, after some ado, we succeeded, and he looked about him with a +wild stare, opening his two red eyes, like Pandore oysters, asking what +had happened; and we got him hoized up on his legs, tying the blue shawl +round his bull-neck again. + +Our company had not got well out of the door, and I was priding myself in +my heart, about being landlord to such a goodly turn out, when Nanse took +me by the arm, and said, "Come, and see such an unearthly sight." This +startled me, and I hesitated; but, at long and last, I went in with her, +a thought alarmed at what had happened, and--my gracious!! there, on the +easy-chair, was our bonny tortoise-shell cat, Tommy, with the red morocco +collar about its neck, bruised as flat as a flounder, and as dead as a +mawk!!! + +The Deacon had sat down upon it without thinking; and the poor animal, +that our neighbours' bairns used to play with, and be so fond of, was +crushed out of life without a cheep. The thing, doubtless, was not +intended, but it gave Nanse and me a very sore heart. + + + + +CHAPTER X.--THE RESURRECTION MEN. + + + How then was the Devil drest! + He was in his Sunday's best; + His coat was red, and his breeches were blue, + With a hole behind where his tail came thro'. + Over the hill, and over the dale, + And he went over the plain: + And backward and forward he switch'd his tail, + As a gentleman switches his cane. + + COLERIDGE. + +About this time there arose a great sough and surmise, that some loons +were playing false with the kirkyard, howking up the bodies from their +damp graves, and harling them away to the College. Words cannot describe +the fear, and the dool, and the misery it caused. All flocked to the +kirk-yett; and the friends of the newly buried stood by the mools, which +were yet dark, and the brown newly cast divots, that had not yet taken +root, looking, with mournful faces, to descry any tokens of sinking in. + +I'll never forget it. I was standing by when three young lads took +shools, and, lifting up the truff, proceeded to houk down to the coffin, +wherein they had laid the grey hairs of their mother. They looked wild +and bewildered like, and the glance of their een was like that of folk +out of a mad-house; and none dared in the world to have spoken to them. +They did not even speak to one another; but wrought on with a great +hurry, till the spades struck on the coffin lid--which was broken. The +dead-clothes were there huddled together in a nook, but the dead was +gone. I took hold of Willie Walker's arm, and looked down. There was a +cold sweat all over me;--losh me! but I was terribly frighted and eerie. +Three more graves were opened, and all just alike; save and except that +of a wee unchristened wean, which was off bodily, coffin and all. + +There was a burst of righteous indignation throughout the parish; nor +without reason. Tell me that doctors and graduates must have the dead; +but tell it not to Mansie Wauch, that our hearts must be trampled in the +mire of scorn, and our best feelings laughed at, in order that a bruise +may be properly plaistered up, or a sore head cured. Verily, the remedy +is worse than the disease. + +But what remead? It was to watch in the session-house, with loaded guns, +night about, three at a time. I never liked to go into the kirkyard +after darkening, let-a-be to sit there through a long winter night, windy +and rainy it may be, with none but the dead around us. Save us! it was +an unco thought, and garred all my flesh creep; but the cause was good--my +corruption was raised--and I was determined not to be dauntened. + +I counted and counted, but the dread day at length came and I was +summoned. All the live-long afternoon, when ca'ing the needle upon the +board, I tried to whistle Jenny Nettles, Neil Gow, and other funny tunes, +and whiles crooned to myself between hands; but my consternation was +visible, and all would not do. + +It was in November; and the cold glimmering sun sank behind the +Pentlands. The trees had been shorn of their frail leaves, and the misty +night was closing fast in upon the dull and short day; but the candles +glittered at the shop windows, and leery-light-the-lamps was brushing +about with his ladder in his oxter, and bleezing flamboy sparking out +behind him. I felt a kind of qualm of faintness and down-sinking about +my heart and stomach, to the dispelling of which I took a thimbleful of +spirits, and, tying my red comforter about my neck, I marched briskly to +the session-house. A neighbour (Andrew Goldie, the pensioner) lent me +his piece, and loaded it to me. He took tent that it was only half-cock, +and I wrapped a napkin round the dog-head, for it was raining. Not being +well acquaint with guns, I kept the muzzle aye away from me; as it is +every man's duty not to throw his precious life into jeopardy. + +A furm was set before the session-house fire, which bleezed brightly, nor +had I any thought that such an unearthly place could have been made to +look half so comfortable either by coal or candle; so my spirits rose up +as if a weight had been taken off them, and I wondered, in my bravery, +that a man like me could be afraid of anything. Nobody was there but a +touzy, ragged, halflins callant of thirteen, (for I speired his age,) +with a desperate dirty face, and long carroty hair, tearing a speldrin +with his teeth, which looked long and sharp enough, and throwing the skin +and lugs into the fire. + +We sat for mostly an hour together, cracking the best way we could in +such a place; nor was anybody more likely to cast up. The night was now +pitmirk; the wind soughed amid the head-stones and railings of the +gentry, (for we must all die,) and the black corbies in the steeple-holes +cackled and crawed in a fearsome manner. All at once we heard a lonesome +sound; and my heart began to play pit-pat--my skin grew all rough, like a +pouked chicken--and I felt as if I did not know what was the matter with +me. It was only a false alarm, however, being the warning of the clock; +and, in a minute or two thereafter, the bell struck ten. Oh, but it was +a lonesome and dreary sound! Every chap went through my breast like the +dunt of a fore-hammer. + +Then up and spak the red-headed laddie:--"It's no fair; anither should +hae come by this time. I wad rin awa hame, only I am frighted to gang +out my lane.--Do ye think the doup of that candle wad carry i' my cap?" + +"Na, na, lad; we maun bide here, as we are here now.--Leave me alane? +Lord safe us! and the yett lockit, and the bethrel sleeping with the key +in his breek pouches!--We canna win out now though we would," answered I, +trying to look brave, though half frightened out of my seven senses:--"Sit +down, sit down; I've baith whisky and porter wi' me. Hae, man, there's a +cawker to keep your heart warm; and set down that bottle," quoth I, +wiping the saw-dust affn't with my hand, "to get a toast; I'se warrant it +for Deacon Jaffrey's best brown stout." + +The wind blew higher, and like a hurricane; the rain began to fall in +perfect spouts; the auld kirk rumbled and rowed, and made a sad soughing; +and the branches of the bourtree behind the house, where auld Cockburn +that cut his throat was buried creaked and crazed in a frightful manner; +but as to the roaring of the troubled waters, and the bumming in the lum- +head, they were past all power of description. To make bad worse, just +in the heart of the brattle, the grating sound of the yett turning on its +rusty hinges was but too plainly heard. What was to be done? I thought +of our both running away; and then of our locking ourselves in, and +firing through the door; but who was to pull the trigger? + +Gudeness watch over us! I tremble yet when I think on it. We were +perfectly between the de'il and the deep sea--either to stand still and +fire our gun, or run and be shot at. It was really a hang choice. As I +stood swithering and shaking, the laddie flew to the door, and, thrawing +round the key, clapped his back to it. Oh! how I looked at him, as he +stood for a gliff, like a magpie hearkening with his lug cocked up, or +rather like a terrier watching a rotten. "They're coming! they're +coming!" he cried out; "cock the piece, ye sumph;" while the red hair +rose up from his pow like feathers; "they're coming, I hear them tramping +on the gravel!" Out he stretched his arms against the wall, and brizzed +his back against the door like mad; as if he had been Samson pushing over +the pillars in the house of Dagon. "For the Lord's sake, prime the gun," +he cried out, "or our throats will be cut frae lug to lug before we can +cry Jack Robison! See that there's priming in the pan." + +I did the best I could; but my whole strength could hardly lift up the +piece, which waggled to and fro like a cock's tail on a rainy day; my +knees knocked against one another, and though I was resigned to die--I +trust I was resigned to die--'od, but it was a frightful thing to be out +of one's bed, and to be murdered in an old session-house, at the dead +hour of night, by unearthly resurrection men, or rather let me call them +deevils incarnate, wrapt up in dreadnoughts, with blacked faces, pistols, +big sticks, and other deadly weapons. + +A snuff-snuffing was heard; and, through below the door, I saw a pair of +glancing black een. 'Od, but my heart nearly louped off the bit--a +snouff, and a gur-gurring, and over all the plain tramp of a man's heavy +tackets and cuddy-heels among the gravel. Then came a great slap like +thunder on the wall; and the laddie, quitting his grip, fell down, +crying, "Fire, fire!--murder! holy murder!" + +"Wha's there?" growled a deep rough voice; "open, I'm a freend." + +I tried to speak, but could not; something like a halfpenny roll was +sticking in my throat, so I tried to cough it up, but it would not come. +"Gie the pass-word then," said the laddie, staring as if his eyes would +loup out; "gie the pass-word!" + +First came a loud whistle, and then "Copmahagen," answered the voice. Oh! +what a relief! The laddie started up, like one crazy with joy. "Ou! +ou!" cried he, thrawing round the key, and rubbing his hands; "by jingo, +it's the bethrel--it's the bethrel--it's auld Isaac himsell." + +First rushed in the dog, and then Isaac, with his glazed hat, slouched +over his brow, and his horn bowet glimmering by his knee. "Has the +French landed, do ye think? Losh keep us a'," said he, with a smile on +his half-idiot face, (for he was a kind of a sort of a natural, with an +infirmity in his leg,) "'od sauf us, man, put by your gun. Ye dinna mean +to shoot me, do ye? What are ye about here with the door lockit? I just +keppit four resurrectioners louping ower the wall." + +"Gude guide us!" I said, taking a long breath to drive the blood from my +heart, and something relieved by Isaac's company--"Come now, Isaac, ye're +just gieing us a fright. Isn't that true, Isaac?" + +"Yes, I'm joking--and what for no?--but they might have been, for +onything ye wad hae hindered them to the contrair, I'm thinking. Na, na, +ye maunna lock the door; that's no fair play." + +When the door was put ajee, and the furm set fornent the fire, I gave +Isaac a dram to keep his heart up on such a cold stormy night. 'Od, but +he was a droll fellow, Isaac. He sung and leuch as if he had been +boozing in Luckie Thamson's, with some of his drucken cronies. Feint a +hair cared he about auld kirks, or kirkyards, or vouts, or +through-stanes, or dead folk in their winding-sheets, with the wet grass +growing over them; and at last I began to brighten up a wee myself; so +when he had gone over a good few funny stories, I said to him, quoth I, +"Mony folk, I daresay, mak mair noise about their sitting up in a +kirkyard than it's a' worth. There's naething here to harm us?" + +"I beg to differ wi' ye there," answered Isaac, taking out his horn mull +from his coat pouch, and tapping on the lid in a queer style--"I could +gie anither version of that story. Did ye no ken of three young +doctors--Eirish students--alang with some resurrectioners, as waff and +wild as themsells, firing shottie for shottie with the guard at +Kirkmabreck, and lodging three slugs in ane of their backs, forbye firing +a ramrod through anither ane's hat?" + +This was a wee alarming--"No," quoth I; "no, Isaac, man; I never heard of +it." + +"But, let alane resurrectioners, do ye no think there is sic a thing as +ghaists? Guide ye, man, my grannie could hae telled as muckle about them +as would have filled a minister's sermons from June to January." + +"Kay--kay--that's all buff," I said. "Are there nae cutty-stool +businesses--are there nae marriages going on just now, Isaac?" for I was +keen to change the subject. + +"Ye may kay--kay, as ye like, though; I can just tell ye this:--Ye'll +mind auld Armstrong with the leather breeks, and the brown three-story +wig--him that was the grave-digger? Weel, he saw a ghaist wi' his +leeving een--aye, and what's better, in this very kirkyard too. It was a +cauld spring morning, and daylight just coming in, whan he cam to the +yett yonder, thinking to meet his man, paidling Jock--but Jock had +sleepit in, and wasna there. Weel, to the wast corner ower yonder he +gaed, and throwing his coat ower a headstane, and his hat on the tap o't, +he dug away with his spade, casting out the mools, and the coffin +handles, and the green banes and sic like, till he stoppit a wee to take +breath.--What! are ye whistling to yoursell?" quoth Isaac to me, "and no +hearing what's God's truth?" + +"Ou, ay," said I; "but ye didna tell me if onybody was cried last +Sunday?"--I would have given every farthing I had made by the needle, to +have been at that blessed time in my bed with my wife and wean. Ay, how +I was gruing! I mostly chacked off my tongue in chittering.--But all +would not do. + +"Weel, speaking of ghaists--when he was resting on his spade he looked up +to the steeple, to see what o'clock it was, wondering what way Jock hadna +come, when lo! and behold, in the lang diced window of the kirk yonder, +he saw a lady a' in white, with her hands clasped thegither, looking out +to the kirkyard at him. + +"He couldna believe his een, so he rubbit them with his sark sleeve, but +she was still there bodily; and, keeping ae ee on her, and anither on his +road to the yett, he drew his coat and hat to him below his arm, and aff +like mad, throwing the shool half a mile ahint him. Jock fand that; for +he was coming singing in at the yett, when his maister ran clean ower the +tap o' him, and capsized him like a toom barrel; never stopping till he +was in at his ain house, and the door baith bolted and barred at his +tail. + +"Did ye ever hear the like of that, Mansie? Weel, man, I'll explain the +hail history of it to ye. Ye see--'Od! how sound that callant's +sleeping," continued Isaac; "he's snoring like a nine-year-auld!" + +I was glad he had stopped, for I was like to sink through the ground with +fear; but no, it would not do. + +"Dinna ye ken--sauf us! what a fearsome night this is! The trees will be +all broken. What a noise in the lum! I daresay there's some auld hag of +a witch-wife gaun to come rumble doun't. It's no the first time, I'll +swear. Hae ye a silver sixpence? Wad ye like that?" he bawled up the +chimney. "Ye'll hae heard," said he, "lang ago, that a wee murdered wean +was buried--didna ye hear a voice?--was buried below that corner--the +hearth-stane there, where the laddie's lying on?" + +I had now lost my breath, so that I could not stop him. + +"Ye never heard tell o't, didna ye? Weel, I'se tell't ye--Sauf us, what +swurls of smoke coming doun the chimley--I could swear something no +canny's stopping up the lum head--Gang out, and see!" + +At that moment a clap like thunder was heard--the candle was driven +over--the sleeping laddie roared "Help!" and "Murder!" and "Thieves!" +and, as the furm on which we were sitting played flee backwards, cripple +Isaac bellowed out, "I'm dead!--I'm killed--shot through the head!--Oh! +oh! oh!" + +Surely I had fainted away; for, when I came to myself, I found my red +comforter loosed; my face all wet--Isaac rubbing down his waistcoat with +his sleeve--the laddie swigging ale out of a bicker--and the brisk brown +stout, which, by casting its cork, had caused all the alarm, +whizz--whizz--whizzing in the chimley lug. + + + + +CHAPTER XI.--TAFFY WITH THE PIGTAIL. + + + In the sweet shire of Cardigan, + Not far from pleasant Ivor-hall, + An old man dwells, a little man; + I've heard he once was tall. + A long blue livery coat has he, + That's fair behind and fair before; + Yet, meet him where you will, you see + At once that he is poor. + + WORDSWORTH. + +It was a clear starry night, in the blasty month of January, I mind it +well. The snow had fallen during the afternoon; or, as Benjie came in +crying, that "the auld wives o' the norlan sky were plucking their +geese;" and it continued dim and dowie till towards the gloaming, when, +as the road-side labourers were dandering home from their work, some with +pickaxes and others with shools, and just as our cocks and hens were +going into their beds, poor things, the lift cleared up to a sharp +freeze, and the well-ordered stars came forth glowing over the blue sky. +Between six and seven the moon rose; and I could not get my two prentices +in from the door, where they were bickering one another with snow-balls, +or maybe carhailling the folk on the street in their idle wantonness; so +I was obliged for that night to disappoint Edie Macfarlane of the pair of +black spatterdashes he was so anxious to get finished, for dancing in +next day, at Souple Jack the carpenter's grand penny-wedding. + +Seeing that little more good was to be expected till morning, I came to +the resolution of shutting-in half-an-hour earlier than usual; so, as I +was carrying out the shop-shutters, with my hat over my cowl, for it was +desperately sharp, I mostly in my hurry knocked down an old man, that was +coming up to ask me, "if I was Maister Wauch the tailor and furnisher." + +Having told him that I was myself, instead of a better; and having asked +him to step in, that I might have a glimpse of his face at the candle, I +saw that he was a stranger, dressed in a droll auld-farrant green livery- +coat, faced with white. His waistcoat was cut in the Parly-voo fashion, +with long lappels, and a double row of buttons down the breast; and round +his neck he had a black corded stock, such like, but not so broad, as I +afterwards wore in the volunteers, when drilling under Big Sam. He had a +well-worn scraper on his head, peaked before and behind, with a bit crape +knotted round it, which he politely took off, making a low bow; and +requesting me to bargain with him for a few articles of grand second-hand +apparel, which once belonged to his master that was deceased, and which +was now carried by himself, in a bundle under his left oxter. + +Happening never to make a trade of dealing in this line, and not very +sure like as to how the old man might have come by the bundle in these +riotous and knock-him-down times, I swithered a moment, giving my chin a +rub, before answering; and then advised him to take a step in at his +leisure to St Mary's Wynd, where he would meet in with merchants in +scores. But no; he seemed determined to strike a bargain with me; and I +heard from the man's sponsible and feasible manner of speech--for he was +an old weatherbeaten-looking body of a creature, with gleg een, a cock +nose, white locks, and a tye behind--that the clothes must have been left +him, as a kind of friendly keepsake, by his master, now beneath the +mools. Thinking by this, that if I got them at a wanworth, I might +boldly venture, I condescended to his loosing down the bundle, which was +in a blue silk napkin with yellow flowers. As he was doing this, he told +me that he was on his way home from the north to his own country, which +lay among the green Welsh hills, far away; and that he could not carry +much luggage with him, as he was obliged to travel with his baggage tied +up in a bundle, on the end of his walking-staff, over his right shoulder. + +Pity me! what a grand coat it was! I thought at first it must have been +worn on the King's own back, honest man; for it was made of green velvet, +and embroidered all round about--back seams, side seams, flaps, lappels, +button-holes, nape and cuffs, with gold lace and spangles, in a manner to +have dazzled the understanding of any Jew with a beard shorter than his +arm. So, no wonder that it imposed on the like of me; and I was mostly +ashamed to make him an offer for it of a crown-piece and a dram. The +waistcoat, which was of white satin, single-breasted, and done up with +silver tinsel in a most beautiful manner, I also bought from him for a +couple of shillings, and four hanks of black thread. Though I would on +no account or consideration give him a bode for the Hessian boots, which +having cuddy-heels and long silk tossels, were by far and away over grand +for the like of a tailor, such as me, and fit for the Sunday's wear of +some fashionable Don of the first water. However, not to part uncivilly, +and be as good as my word, I brought ben Nanse's bottle, and gave him a +cawker at the shop counter; and, after taking a thimbleful to myself, to +drink a good journey to him, I bade him take care of his feet, as the +causeway was frozen, and saw the auld flunkie safely over the strand with +a candle. + +Ye may easily conceive that Nanse got a surprise, when I paraded ben to +the room with the grand coat and waistcoat on, cocking up my head, +putting my hands into the haunch pockets, and strutting about more like a +peacock than a douce elder of Maister Wiggie's kirk; so just as, thinking +shame of myself, I was about to throw it off, I found something bulky at +the bottom of the side pocket, which I discovered to be a wheen papers +fastened together with green tape. Finding they were written in a real +neat hand, I put on my spectacles, and sending up the close for James +Batter, we sat round the fireside, and read away like nine-year-aulds. + +The next matter of consideration was, whether, in buying the coat as it +stood, the paper belonged to me, or the old flunkie waiting-servant with +the peaked hat. James and me, after an hour and a half's argle-bargleing +pro and con, in the way of Parliament-house lawyers, came at last to be +unanimously of opinion, that according to the auld Scotch proverb of + + "He that finds keeps, + And he that loses seeks," + +whatever was part or pendicle of the coat at the time of purchase, when +it hung exposed for sale over the white-headed Welshman's little finger, +became, according to the law of nature and nations, as James Batter +wisely observed, part and pendicle of the property of me, Mansie Wauch, +the legal purchaser. + +Notwithstanding all this, however, I was not sincerely convinced in my +own conscience; and I daresay if the creature had cast up, and come +seeking them back, I would have found myself bound to make restitution. +This is not now likely to happen; for twenty long years have come and +passed away, like the sunshine of yesterday, and neither word nor wittens +of the body have been seen or heard tell of; so, according to the course +of nature, being a white-headed old man, with a pigtail, when the bargain +was made, his dust and bones have, in all likelihood, long ago mouldered +down beneath the green turf of his own mountains, like his granfather's +before him. This being the case, I daresay it is the reader's opinion as +well as my own, that I am quite at liberty to make what use of them I +like. Concerning the poem things that came first in hand, I do not +pretend to be any judge; but James thinks he could scarcely write any +muckle better himself: so here goes; but I cannot tell you to what tune: + + + +SONG. + + +I. + +They say that other eyes are bright, + I see no eyes like thine; +So full of Heaven's serenest light, + Like midnight stars they shine. + +II. + +They say that other cheeks are fair-- + But fairer cannot glow +The rosebud in the morning air, + Or blood on mountain snow. + +III. + +Thy voice--Oh sweet it streams to me, + And charms my raptured breast; +Like music on the moonlight sea, + When waves are lull'd to rest. + +IV. + +The wealth of worlds were vain to give + Thy sinless heart to buy; +Oh I will bless thee while I live, + And love thee till I die! + +From this song it appears a matter beyond doubt--for I know human +nature--that the flunkie's master had, in his earlier years, been deeply +in love with some beautiful young lady, that loved him again, and that +maybe, with a bounding and bursting heart, durst not let her affection be +shown, from dread of her cruel relations, who insisted on her marrying +some lord or baronet that she did not care one button about. If so, +unhappy pair, I pity them! Were we to guess our way in the dark a wee +farther, I think it not altogether unlikely, that he must have fallen in +with his sweetheart abroad, when wandering about on his travels; for what +follows seems to come as it were from her, lamenting his being called to +leave her forlorn, and return home. This is all merely supposition on my +part, and in the antiquarian style, whereby much is made out of little; +but both me and James Batter are determined to be unanimously of this +opinion, until otherwise convinced to the contrary. Love is a fiery and +fierce passion everywhere; but I am told that we, who live in a more +favoured land, know very little of the terrible effects it sometimes +causes, and the bloody tragedies, which it has a thousand times produced, +where the heart of man is uncontrolled by reason or religion, and his +blood heated into a raging fever, by the burning sun that glows in the +heaven above his head. + +Here follows the poem of Taffy's master's foreign sweetheart; which, +considering it to be a woman's handiwork, is, I daresay, not that far +amiss. + + + +SONG OF THE SOUTH. + + +I. + +Of all the garden flowers + The fairest is the rose; +Of winds that stir the bowers, + Oh! there is none that blows +Like the south--the gentle south-- + For that balmy breeze is ours. + +II. + +Cold is the frozen north; + In its stern and savage mood, +'Mid gales, come drifting forth + Bleak snows and drenching flood: +But the south--the gentle south-- + Thaws to love the willing blood. + +III. + +Bethink thee of the vales, + With their birds and blossoms fair-- +Of the darkling nightingales, + That charm the starry air +In the south--the gentle south,-- + Ah! our own dear home is there. + +IV. + +Where doth Beauty brightest glow, + With each rich and radiant charm, +Eye of light, and brow of snow, + Cherry lip, and bosom warm; +In the south--the gentle south-- + There she waits, and works her harm + +V. + +Say, shines the Star of Love, + From the clear and cloudless sky, +The shadowy groves above, + Where the nestling ringdoves lie? +From the south--the gentle south-- +Gleams its lone and lucid eye. + +VI. + +Then turn ye to the home + Of your brethren and your bride; +Far astray your steps may roam, + But more joys for thee abide, +In the south--our gentle south-- + Than in all the world beside. + +After reading a lot of the unknown gentleman's compositions in prose and +verse, something like his private history, James Batter informs me, can +be made out, provided we are allowed to eke a little here and there. That +he was an Englisher we both think amounts to a probability; and, from +having an old "Taffy was a Welshman" for a flunkie, it would not be out +of the order of nature to jealouse, that he may have resided somewhere +among the hills, where he had picked him up and taken him into his +kitchen, promoting him thereafter, for sobriety and good conduct, to be +his body servant, and gentleman's gentleman. Where he was born, however, +is a matter of doubt, and also who were his folks; but of a surety, he +was either born with a silver spoon in his mouth, or rose from the ranks +like many another great man. That, however, is a matter of moonshine; we +are all descended in a direct line from Adam. Where he was educated does +not appear; but there can scarcely be a shadow of doubt, that he was for +a considerable while at some school or other, where he had a number of +cronies. In proof of this, and to show that we have good reasons for our +suppositions, James recommends me to print the following rigmarole +meditations, on the top of which is written in half-text, + + + +SCHOOL RECOLLECTIONS. + + + "--They who in the vale of years advance, + And the dark eve is closing on their way, + When on the mind the recollections glance + Of early joy, and Hope's delightful day, + Behold, in brighter hues than those of truth, + The light of morning on the fields of youth." + + SOUTHEY. + +The morning being clear and fine, full of Milton's "vernal delight and +joy," I determined on a saunter; the inclemency of the weather having, +for more than a week, kept me a prisoner at home. Although now advanced +into the heart of February, a great fall of snow had taken place; the +roads were blocked up; the mails obstructed; and, while the merchant +grumbled audibly for his letters, the politician, no less chagrined, +conned over and over again his dingy rumpled old newspaper, compelled "to +eat the leek of his disappointment." The wind, which had blown +inveterately steady from the surly north-east, had veered, however, +during the preceding night, to the west; and, as it were by the spell of +an enchanter, an instant thaw commenced. In the low grounds the snow +gleamed forth in patches of a pearly whiteness; but, on the banks of +southern exposure, the green grass and the black trodden pathway again +showed themselves. The vicissitudes of twenty-four hours were indeed +wonderful. Instead of the sharp frost, the pattering hail, and the +congealed streams, we had the blue sky, the vernal zephyr, and the genial +sunshine; the stream murmuring with a broader wave, as if making up for +the season spent in the fetters of congelation; and that luxurious flow +of the spirits, which irresistibly comes over the heart, at the +re-assertion of Nature's suspended vigour. + +As I passed on under the budding trees, how delightful it was to hear the +lark and the linnet again at their cheerful songs, to be aware that now +"the winter was over and gone;" and to feel that the prospect of summer, +with its lengthening days, and its rich variety of fruits and flowers, +lay fully before us. There is something within us that connects the +spring of the year with the childhood of our existence, and it is more +especially at that season, that the thrilling remembrances of long +departed pleasures are apt to steal into the thoughts; the re-awakening +of nature calling us, by a fearful contrast, to the contemplation of joys +that never can return, while all the time the heart is rendered more +susceptible by the beauteous renovation in the aspect of the external +world. + +This sensation pressed strongly on my mind, as I chanced to be passing +the door of the village school, momentarily opened for the admission of +one, creeping along somewhat tardily with satchel on back, and "shining +morning face." What a sudden burst of sound was emitted--what harmonious +discord--what a commixture of all the tones in the vocal gamut, from the +shrill treble to the deep under-hum! A chord was touched which vibrated +in unison; boyish days and school recollections crowded upon me; +pleasures long vanished; feelings long stifled; and friendships--aye, +everlasting friendships--cut asunder by the sharp stroke of death! + +A public school is a petty world within itself--a wheel within a wheel--in +so far as it is entirely occupied with its own concerns, affords its +peculiar catalogue of virtues and vices, its own cares, pleasures, +regrets, anticipations, and disappointments--in fact, a Lilliputian fac- +simile of the great one. By grown men, nothing is more common than the +assertion that childhood is a perfect Elysium; but it is a false +supposition that school-days are those of unalloyed carelessness and +enjoyment. It seems to be a great deal too much overlooked, that "little +things are great to little men;" and perhaps the mind of boyhood is more +active in its conceptions--more alive to the impulses of pleasure and +pain--in other words, has a more extended scope of sensations, than +during any other portion of our existence. Its days are not those of +lack-occupation; they are full of stir, animation, and activity, for it +is then we are in training for after life; and, when the hours of school +restraint glide slowly over, "like wounded snakes," the clock, that +chimes to liberty, sends forth the blood with a livelier flow; and +pleasure thus derives a double zest from the bridle that duty has +imposed, joy being generally measured according to the difficulty of its +attainment. What delight in life have we ever experienced more exquisite +than that, which flowed at once in upon us from the teacher's "_bene_, +_bene_," our own self-approbation, and release from the tasks of the +day?--the green fields around us wherein to ramble, the stream beside us +wherein to angle, the world of games and pastimes "before us where to +choose." Words are inadequate to express the thrill of transport, with +which, on the rush from the school-house door, the hat is waved in air, +and the shout sent forth! + +Then what a variety of amusements succeed each other. Every mouth has +its favourite ones. The sportsman does not more keenly scrutinize his +kalendar for the commencement of the trouting, grouse-shooting, or hare- +hunting season, than the younker for the time of flying kites, bowling at +cricket, football, spinning peg-tops, and playing at marbles. Pleasure +is the focus, which it is the common aim to approximate; and the mass is +guided by a sort of unpremeditated social compact, which draws them out +of doors as soon as meals are discussed, with a sincere thirst of +amusement, as certainly as rooks congregate in spring to discuss the +propriety of building nests, or swallows in autumn to deliberate in +conclave on the expediency of emigration. + +Then how perfectly glorious was the anticipation of a holiday--a long +summer day of liberty and ease! In anticipation it was a thing boundless +and endless, a foretaste of Elysium. It extended from the _prima luce_, +from the earliest dawn of radiance that streaked the "severing clouds in +yonder east," through the sun's matin, meridian, postmeridian, and vesper +circuit; from the disappearance of Lucifer in the re-illumined skies, to +his evening entree in the character of Hesperus. Complain not of the +brevity of life; 'tis _men_ that are idle; a thousand things could be +contrived and accomplished in that space, and a thousand schemes were +devised by us, when _boys_, to prevent any portion of it passing over +without improvement. We pursued the fleet angel of time through all his +movements till he blessed us. + +With these and similar thoughts in my mind, I strayed down to the banks +of the river, and came upon the very spot, which, in those long-vanished +years, had been a favourite scene of our boyish sports. The impression +was overpowering; and as I gazed silently around me, my mind was subdued +to that tone of feeling which Ossian so finely designates "the joy of +grief." The trees were the same, but older, like myself; seemingly +unscathed by the strife of years--and herein was a difference. Some of +the very bushes I recognised as our old lurking-places at "hunt the +hare;" and, on the old fantastic beech-tree, I discovered the very bough +from which we were accustomed to suspend our swings. What +alterations--what sad havoc had time, circumstances, the hand of fortune, +and the stroke of death, made among us since then! How were the thoughts +of the heart, the hopes, the pursuits, the feelings changed; and, in +almost every instance, it is to be feared, for the worse! As I gazed +around me, and paused, I could not help reciting aloud to myself the +lines of Charles Lamb, so touching in their simple beauty. + + "I have had playmates, I have had companions, + In my days of childhood, in my joyful school-days; + All, all are gone, the old familiar faces. + Some they have died, and some they have left me, + And some are taken from me, all are departed; + All, all are gone, the old familiar faces." + +The fresh green plat, by the brink of the stream, lay before me. It was +there that we played at leap-frog, or gathered dandelions for our tame +rabbits; and, at its western extremity, were still extant the reliques of +the deal-seat, at which we used to assemble on autumn evenings to have +our round of stories. Many a witching tale and wondrous tradition hath +there been told; many a marvel of "figures that visited the glimpses of +the moon;" many a recital of heroic and chivalrous enterprise, +accomplished ere warriors dwindled away to the mere puny-strength of +mortals. Sapped by the wind and rain, the planks lay in a sorely decayed +and rotten state, looking in their mossiness like a sign-post of +desolation, a memento of terrestrial instability. Traces of the knife +were still here and there visible upon the trunks of the supporting +trees; and with little difficulty I could decipher some well-remembered +initials. + + "Cold were the hands that carved them there." + +It is, no doubt, wonderful that the human mind can retain such a mass of +recollections; yet we seem to be, in general, little aware that for one +solitary incident in our lives, preserved by memory, hundreds have been +buried in the silent charnel-house of oblivion. We peruse the past, like +a map of pleasing or melancholy recollections, and observe lines crossing +and re-crossing each other in a thousand directions; some spots are +almost blank; others faintly traced; and the rest a confused and +perplexed labyrinth. A thousand feelings that, in their day and hour, +agitated our bosoms, are now forgotten; a thousand hopes, and joys, and +apprehensions, and fears, are vanished without a trace. Schemes, which +cost us much care in their formation, and much anxiety in their +fulfilment, have glided, like the clouds of yesterday, from our +remembrance. Many a sharer of our early friendships, and of our boyish +sports, we think of no more; they are as if they had never been, till +perhaps some accidental occurrence, some words in conversation, some +object by the wayside, or some passenger in the street, attract our +notice--and then, as if awaking from a perplexing trance, a light darts +in upon our darkness; and we discover that thus some one long ago spoke; +that there something long ago happened; or that the person, who just +passed us like a vision, shared smiles with us long, long years ago, and +added a double zest to the enjoyments of our childhood. + +Of our old class-fellows, of those whose days were of "a mingled yarn" +with ours, whose hearts blended in the warmest reciprocities of +friendship, whose joys, whose cares, almost whose wishes were in common, +how little do we know? how little will even the severest scrutiny enable +us to discover? Yet, at one time, we were inseparable "like Juno's +swans;" we were as brothers, nor dreamt we of ought else, in the +susceptibility of our youthful imagination, than that we were to pass +through all the future scenes of life, side by side; and, mutually +supporting and supported, lengthen out the endearments, the ties, and the +feelings of boyhood unto the extremities of existence. What a fine but a +fond dream--alas, how wide of the cruel reality! The casual relation of +a traveller may discover to us where one of them resided or resides. The +page of an obituary may accidentally inform us how long one of them +lingered on the bed of sickness, and by what death he died. Some we may +perhaps discover in elevated situations, from which worldly pride might +probably prevent their stooping down to recognise us. Others, immersed +in the labyrinths of business, have forgot all, in the selfish pursuits +of earthly accumulation. While the rest, the children of misfortune and +disappointment, we may occasionally find out amid the great multitude of +the streets, to whom life is but a desert of sorrow, and against whom +prosperity seems to have shut for ever her golden gates. + +Such are the diversities of condition, the varieties of fortune to which +man is exposed, while climbing the hill of probationary difficulty. And +how sublimely applicable are the words of Job, expatiating on the +uncertainty of human existence: "Man dieth and wasteth away; yea, man +giveth up the ghost, and where is he? As the waters fail from the sea, +and the flood decayeth and drieth up; so man lieth down and riseth not +till the heavens be no more." + +While standing on the same spot, where of yore the boyish multitude +congregated in pursuit of their eager sports, a silent awe steals over +the bosom, and the heart desponds at the thought, that all these once +smiling faces are scattered now! Some, mayhap, tossing on the waste and +perilous seas; some the merchants of distant lands; some fighting the +battles of their country; others dead--inhabitants of the dark and narrow +house, and hearing no more the billows of life, that thunder and break +above their low and lonely dwelling-place! + +* * * * * + +Nanse, who was sitting by the table, knitting a pair of light-blue +worsted stockings for Benjie, and myself, who was sewing on the buttons +of a velveteen jacket for a country lad, were, I must say, not a little +delighted, not only with the way in which the Welshman's late master had +spoken of his school-fellows, but with the manner in which James Batter, +with his specs on, had read it over to us. Upon my word--and that of an +elder--I do not believe that even Mr Wiggie himself could have done the +thing greater justice. It was just as if he had been a play-actor man, +spouting Douglas's tragedy. + +Having folded up that paper, and turned over not a few others, the +docketings of which he read out to us, James at last says, "Ou ay, here +it is. I think I can now prove to ye, that the gentleman's sweetheart +died abroad; and that, likely from her name--for it is here mentioned--she +must have been a Portugee or Spaniard." + +"Ay, let us hear it," cried Nanse. "Do, like a man, let us hear it, +James; for I delight above a' things to hear about love-stories. Do ye +mind, Maister," she said, "when ye was so deep in love aince yoursell?" + +"Foolish woman," I said, giving her a kind of severe look; "is that all +your manners to interrupt Mr Batter? If ye'll just keep a calm sough, +ye'll hear the long and the short o't, in good time." + +By this, James, who did not relish interruption, and was a thought +fidgety in his natural temper, had laid down the paper on the table, +snuffed the candle, and raised his spectacles on his brow. But I said to +him, "Excuse freedoms, James, and be so good as resume your discourse." +Then wishing to smooth him down, I added, by way of compliment--"Do go +on; for you really are a prime reader. Nature surely intended ye for a +minister." + +"Dinna flatter me," said James; looking, however, rather proudishly at +what I had said, and replacing his glasses on the brig of his nose, he +then read us a screed of metre to the following effect; part of which, I +am free to confess, is rather above my comprehension. But, never mind. + + + +ELEGIAC STANZAS. + + +I. + +'Tis midnight deep; the full round moon, +As 'twere a spectre, walks the sky; +The balmy breath of gentlest June +Just stirs the stream that murmurs by; +Above me frowns the solemn wood; +Nature, methinks, seems Solitude +Embodied to the eye. + +II. + +Yes, 'tis a season and a scene, +Inez, to think on thee; the day, +With stir and strife, may come between +Affection and thy beauty's ray, +But feeling here assumes control, +And mourns my desolated soul +That thou are rapt away! + +III. + +Thou wert a rainbow to my sight, +The storms of life before thee fled; +The glory and the guiding light, +That onward cheer'd and upward led; +From boyhood to this very hour, +For me, and only me, thy flower +Its fragrance seem'd to shed. + +IV. + +Dark though the world for me might show +Its sordid faith and selfish gloom, +Yet 'mid life's wilderness to know +For me that sweet flower shed its bloom, +Was joy, was solace:--thou art gone-- +And hope forsook me, when the stone +Sank darkly o'er thy tomb. + +V. + +And art thou dead? I dare not think +That thus the solemn truth can be; +And broken is the only link +That chain'd youth's pleasant thoughts to me! +Alas! that thou couldst know decay, +That, sighing, I should live to say +'The cold grave holdeth thee!' + +VI. + +For me thou shon'st, as shines a star, +Lonely, in clouds when Heaven is lost; +Thou wert my guiding light afar, +When on misfortune's billows tost: +Now darkness hath obscured that light, +And I am left in rayless night, +On Sorrow's lowering coast. + +VII. + +And art thou gone? I deem'd thee some +Immortal essence--art thou gone?-- +I saw thee laid within the tomb, +And turn'd away to mourn alone: +Once to have loved, is to have loved +Enough; and, what with thee I proved, +Again I'll seek in none. + +VIII. + +Earth in thy sight grew faery land;-- +Life was Elysium--thought was love,-- +When, long ago, hand clasp'd in hand, +We roam'd through Autumn's twilight grove; +Or watch'd the broad uprising moon +Shed, as it were, a wizard noon, +The blasted heath above. + +IX. + +Farewell!--and must I say farewell?-- +No--thou wilt ever be to me +A present thought; thy form shall dwell +In love's most holy sanctuary; +Thy voice shall mingle with my dreams, +And haunt me, when the shot-star gleams +Above the rippling sea. + +X. + +Never revives the past again; +But still thou art, in lonely hours, +To me earth's heaven,--the azure main,-- +Soft music,--and the breath of flowers; +My heart shall gain from thee its hues: +And Memory give, though Truth refuse, +The bliss that once was ours! + +After this, Mr Batter read over to us a great many other curiosities, +about foreign things wonderful to hear, and foreign places wonderful to +behold. Moreover, also, of divers adventures by sea and land. But the +time wearing late, and Tammie Bodkin having brought ben the shop-key, +after putting on the window-shutters, Nanse and I, out of +good-fellowship, thought we could not do less than ask the honest man, +whose cleverality had diverted us so much, to sit still and take a chack +of supper;--James being up in the air, from having been allowed to ride +on his hobby so briskly, made only a show of objection; so, after a +rizzard haddo, we had a jug of toddy, and sat round the fire with our +feet on the fender--Benjie having fallen asleep with his clothes on, and +been carried away to his bed. Poor bit mannikin! + +I never remember to have heard James so prime either on Boston or +Josephus; but as his heart warmed with the liquor and the good fire, for +it was a cold rawish night,--he returned to Taffy with the pigtail's +master; and insisted, that as we had heard about his foreign sweetheart's +death, which he appeared to have taken so much to heart, we should just +bear with him once more, as he read over what he called her dirgie, which +was written on a half-sheet of grey mouldy paper--as if handed down from +the days of the Covenanters. It jingles well; and both Nanse and me +thought it gey and pretty; but eh! if ye only had heard how James Batter +read it. It beat cock-fighting. + + + +DIRGE. + + +I. + +Weep not for her!--Oh she was far too fair, + Too pure to dwell on this guilt-tainted earth! +The sinless glory, and the golden air + Of Zion, seem'd to claim her from her birth; +A Spirit wander'd from its native Zone, +Which, soon discovering, took her for its own: + Weep not for Her! + +II. + +Weep not for her!--Her span was like the sky, + Whose thousand stars shine beautiful and bright; +Like flowers that know not what it is to die; + Like long-linked, shadeless months of Polar light; +Like music floating o'er a waveless lake, +While Echo answers from the flowery brake: + Weep not for Her! + +III. + +Weep not for her!--She died in early youth, + Ere hope had lost its rich romantic hues; +When human bosoms seem'd the homes of truth, + And earth still gleam'd with beauty's radiant dews. +Her summer prime waned not to days that freeze; +Her wine of life was run not to the lees: + Weep not for Her! + +IV. + +Weep not for her--By fleet or slow decay, + It never grieved her bosom's core to mark +The playmates of her childhood wane away, + Her prospects wither, or her hopes grow dark; +Translated by her God with spirit shriven, +She pass'd as 'twere in smiles from earth to heaven: + Weep not for Her! + +V. + +Weep not for her!--It was not hers to feel + The miseries that corrode amassing years, +'Gainst dreams of baffled bliss the heart to steel, + To wander sad down age's vale of tears, +As whirl the wither'd leaves from friendship's tree, +And on earth's wintry wold alone to be: + Weep not for Her! + +VI. + +Weep not for her!--She is an angel now, + And treads the sapphire floors of paradise: +All darkness wiped from her refulgent brow, + Sin, sorrow, suffering, banish'd from her eyes; +Victorious over death, to her appear +The vista'd joys of heaven's eternal year; + Weep not for Her! + +VII. + +Weep not for her!--Her memory is the shrine + Of pleasant thoughts, soft as the scent of flowers. +Calm as on windless eve the sun's decline, + Sweet as the song of birds among the bowers, +Rich as a rainbow with its hues of light, +Pure as the moonshine of an autumn night: + Weep not for Her. + +VIII. + +Weep not for her!--There is no cause for woe; + But rather nerve the spirit that it walk +Unshrinking o'er the thorny paths below, + And from earth's low defilements keep thee back: +So, when a few, fleet, severing years have flown, +She'll meet thee at heaven's gate--and lead thee on! + Weep not for Her. + +Having right and law on my side, as any man of judgment may perceive with +half an eye, nothing could hinder me, if I so liked, to print the whole +bundle; but, in the meantime, we must just be satisfied with the +foregoing curiosities, which we have picked out. All that I have set +down concerning myself, the reader may take on credit as open and even- +down truth; but as to whether Taffy's master's nick-nackets be true or +false, every one is at liberty, in this free country, to think for +himself. Old sparrows are not easily caught with chaff; and unless I saw +a proper affidavit, I would not, for my own part, pin my faith to a +single word of them. But every man his own opinion,--that's my motto. + +In the Yankee Almanack of Poor Richard, which, besides the Pilgrim's +Progress and the Book of Martyrs, I whiles read on the week-days for a +little diversion, I see it is set down with great rationality, that "we +should never buy for the bargain sake." Experience teaches all men, and +I found that to my cost in this matter; for, cheap as the coat and +waistcoat seemed which I had bought from the auld-farrant Welsh flunkie +with the peaked hat and the pigtail, I made no great shakes of them after +all. Neither the Lord Provost of Edinburgh, nor any other of the grand +public characters, ever made me an offer for them, as some had led me to +expect; and the playhouse people lay all as quiet as ducks in a storm. +After hanging at my window for two or three months, collecting all the +idle wives and weans of the parish to glour and gaze at them from morn +till night, during which time I got half of my lozens broken, by their +knocking one another's heads through, I was obliged to get quit of them +at last, by selling them to a man and his son, that kept dancing dogs, +Pan's pipes, and a tambourine; and that made a livelihood by tumbling on +a carpet in the middle of the street, the one playing "Carle now the +King's come," as the other whummled head over heels, and then jumped up +into the air, cutting capers, to show that not a bone of his body had +been broken. + +Knowing that the raiment was not for every body's wear, and that the like +of it was not to be found in a country side, I put a decent price on it, +"foreign birds with fair feathers" aye taking the top place of the +market. When I mentioned forty shillings to the dancing-dog man and his +son, they said nothing, but, putting their tongues in their cheeks, took +up their hats, wishing me a good day. Next forenoon, however, a slight- +of-hand character having arrived, together with a bass drum and a bugle +horn, that was likely to take the shine out of them, and maybe also +purchase my article--which was capital for his purpose, having famous +wide sleeves--they came back in less than no time, asking the liberty, +before finally concluding with me, of carrying them home to their +lodgings for ten minutes to see how they would fit; and, in that case, +offering me thirty-five shillings and an old flute. The old flute was +for next to no use at all, except for wee Benjie, poor thing, too-tooing +on, to keep him good, and I told them so, myself being no musicianer; but +would take their offer not to quarrel. It would not do unless some of us +were timber-tuned; men not being meant for blackbirds. + +Home went the man, and home went the son, and home went my grand coat and +waistcoat over his arm; and putting my hands into my breeches pockets, as +if I had satisfactorily concluded a great transaction, I marched ben to +the back shop, and took my needle into play, as if nothing in the world +had happened; but where their home lay, or whether the raiment fitted or +not, goodness knows, having never to this blessed hour heard word or +wittens of either of them. Such a pair of blacks! It just shows us how +simple we Scotch folk are. The London man swindled me out of my lawful +room-rent and my Sunday velveteens; the Eirishers, as will be but too +soon seen, made free with my hen-house, committing felonious robbery at +the dead hour of night; and here a decent-looking old Welshman, with a +pigtail tied with black tape, palmed a grand coat and waistcoat upon me, +that were made away with by a man and his son, a devilish deal too long +out of Botany Bay. + +Benjie, poor doggie, was vastly proud of the flute, which he fifed away +on morning, noon, and night; and, for more than a fortnight, would not go +to his bed unless it was laid under his pillow. But for me I could not +bide the sight of it, knowing whose hands it had been in, and reminding +me as it did of the depravity of human nature. + +Verily, verily, this is a wonderfully wicked world. To find out the two +vagabonds would have been hopeless; unless I could have followed them to +the Back of Beyond, where the mare foaled the fiddler. + + + + +CHAPTER XII.--VOLUNTEERING. + + + Come from the hills where your hirsels are grazing, + Come from the glen of the buck and the roe; + Come to the crag where the beacon is blazing, + Come with the buckler, the lance, and the bow: + Many a banner spread + Flutters above your herd, + Many a crest that is famous in story; + Mount and make ready then, + Sons of the mountain glen, + Fight for the _King_, and our old Scottish glory. + + SIR WALTER SCOTT'S _Monastery_. + +The sough of war and invasion flew over the face of the land, at this +time, like a great whirlwind; and the hearts of men died within their +persons with fear and trembling. The accounts that came from abroad were +just dreadful beyond all power of description. Death stalked about from +place to place, like a lawless tyrant, and human blood was spilt like +water; while the heads of crowned kings were cut off; and great dukes and +lords were thrown into dark dungeons, or obligated to flee for their +lives into foreign lands, and to seek out hiding-places of safety beyond +the waves of the sea. What was worst of all, our trouble seemed a +smittal one; the infection spread around; and even our own land, which +all thought hale and healthy, began to show symptoms of the plague-spot. +Losh me! that men, in their seven senses, could have ever shown +themselves so infatuated. Johnny Wilkes and liberty was but a joke to +what was hanging over the head of the nation, brewing like a dark tempest +which was to swallow it up. Bills were posted up through night, by hands +that durst not have been seen at the work through day; and the agents of +the Spirit of Darkness, calling themselves the Friends of the People, +held secret meetings, and hatched plots to blow up our blessed King and +Constitution. + +Yet the business, though fearsome in the main, was in some parts almost +laughable. Every thing was to be divided, and every one made alike: +houses and lands were to be distributed by lot; and the mighty man and +the beggar--the auld man and the hobble-de-hoy--the industrious man and +the spendthrift--the maimed, the cripple, and the blind, the clever man +of business and the haveril simpleton, made all just brethren, and alike. +Save us! but to think of such nonsense!!--At one of their meetings, held +at the sign of the Tappet Hen and the Tankard, there was a prime fight of +five rounds between Tammy Bowsie the snab, and auld Thrashem the dominie +with the boulie-back, about their drawing cuts which was to get Dalkeith +Palace, and which Newbottle Abbey. Oh, sic riff-raff!!! + +What was worst of all, it was an agreed and determined on thing among +them, these wise men of Gotham, to abolish all kings, clergy, and +religion, as havers. No, no--what need had such wise pows as theirs of +being taught or lectured to? What need had such feelosophers of having a +king to rule over, or a Parliament to direct them? There was not a +single one among their number, that did not think himself, in his own +conceit, as wise as Solomon or William Pitt, and as mighty as King +Nebuchadnezzar. + +It was full time to put a stop to all such nonsense. The newspapers told +us what it had done abroad; and what better could we expect from it at +home? Weeds will not grow into flowers anywhere, and no man can handle +tar without being defiled; the first of which comparisons is I daresay +true, and the latter must be--for we read of it in Scripture. Well, as I +was saying, it was a brave notion of the king to put the loyalty of his +land to the test, that the daft folk might be dismayed, and that the +clanjamphrey might be tumbled down before their betters, like +windle-straes in a hurricane:--and so they were. + +Such a crowd that day, when the names of the volunteers came to be taken +down! No house could have held them, even though many had not stepped +forward who thought to have got themselves enrolled. Losh me! did they +think the government was so far gone, as to take characters with deformed +legs, and thrawn necks, and blind eyes, and hashie lips, and grey hairs +on their pows? No, no, they were not put to such straits; though it +showed that the right spirit was in the creatures, and that, though their +bodies might be deformed, they had consciences to direct them, and souls +to be saved like their neighbours. + +I will never forget the first day that I got my regimentals on; and when +I looked myself in the bit glass, just to think I was a sodger, who never +in my life could thole the smell of powder, and had not fired any thing +but a penny cannon on a Fourth of June, when I was a haflins callant. I +thought my throat would have been cut with the black corded stock; for, +whenever I looked down, without thinking like, my chaff-blade played +clank against it, with such a dunt that I mostly chacked my tongue off. +And, as to the soaping of the hair, that beat cock-fighting. It was +really fearsome; but I could scarcely keep from laughing when I glee'd +round over my shoulder, and saw a glazed leather queue hanging for half +an ell down the braid of my back, and a pickle horse-hair curling out +like a rotten's tail at the far end of it. And then the worsted taissels +on the shoulders--and the lead buttons--and the yellow facings,--oh, but +it was grand! I sometimes fancied myself a general, and giving the word +of command. Then the pipeclayed breeches--but that was a sore job; many +a weary arm did they give me--beat-beating camstane into them. + +The pipeclaying of the breeches, I was saying, was the most fashious job, +let alone courtship, that ever mortal man put his hand to. Indeed, there +was no end to the rubbing, and scrubbing, and brushing, and fyling, and +cleaning; for to the like of me, who was not well accustomed to the +thing, the whitening was continually coming off and destroying my red +coat, or my black leggings. I had mostly forgot to speak of the birse +for cleaning out the pan, and the piker for clearing the motion-hole. But +time enough till we come to firing. + +Big Sam, who was a sergeant of the Fencibles, and enough to have put five +Frenchmen to flight any day of the year, whiles came to train us; and a +hard battle he had with more than me. I have already said, that nature +never intended me for the soldiering trade; and why should I hesitate +about confessing, that Sam never got me out of the awkward squad? But I +had two or three neighbours to keep me in countenance. A weary work we +made with the right, left--left, right,--right-wheel, left-wheel--to the +right about,--at ease,--attention,--by sections,--and all the rest of it. +But then there is nothing in the course of nature that is useless; and +what was to hinder me from acting as orderly, or being one of the camp- +colour-men on head days? + +We all cracked very crouse about fighting, when we heard of garments +rolled in blood only from abroad; but one dark night we got a fleg in +sober earnest. + +There were signal-posts on the hills, up and down all the country, to +make alarms in case of necessity; and I never went to my bed without +giving first a glee eastward to Falside-brae, and then another westward +to the Calton-hill, to see that all the country was quiet. I had just +papped in--it might be about nine o'clock--after being gey hard drilled, +and sore between the shoulders, with keeping my head back and playing the +dumb-bells; when, lo and behold! instead of getting my needful rest in my +own bed, with my wife and wean, jow went the bell, and row-de-dow gaed +the drums, and all in a minute was confusion and uproar. I was seized +with a severe shaking of the knees, and a flaffing at the heart; but I +hurried, with my nightcap on, up to the garret window, and there I too +plainly saw that the French had landed--for all the signal posts were in +a bleeze. This was in reality to be a soldier! I never got such a +fright since the day I was cleckit. Then such a noise and hullabaloo in +the streets--men, women, and weans, all hurrying through ither, and +crying with loud voices, amid the dark, as if the day of judgment had +come, to find us all unprepared; and still the bells ringing, and the +drums beating to arms. Poor Nanse was in a bad condition, and I was well +worse; she, at the fears of losing me, their bread-winner; and I, with +the grief of parting from her, the wife of my bosom, and going out to +scenes of blood, bayonets, and gunpowder, none of which I had the least +stomach for. Our little son, Benjie, mostly grat himself blind, pulling +me back by the cartridge-box; but there was no contending with fate, so +he was obliged at last to let go. + +Notwithstanding all that, we behaved ourselves like true-blue Scotsmen +called forth to fight the battles of our country; and if the French had +come, as they did not come, they would have found that to their cost, as +sure as my name is Mansie. However, it turned out as well, in the +meantime, that it was a false alarm, and that the thief Buonaparte had +not landed at Dunbar, as it was jealoused: so, after standing under arms +for half the night, with nineteen rounds of ball-cartridge in our boxes, +and the baggage carts all loaden, and ready to follow us to the field of +battle, we were sent home to our beds; and, notwithstanding the awful +state of alarm to which I had been put, never in the course of my life +did I enjoy six hours sounder sleep; for we were hippet the morning +parade, on account of our gallant men being kept so long without natural +rest. It is wise to pick a lesson even out of our adversities; and, at +all events, it was at this time fully shown to us the necessity of our +regiment being taught the art of firing--a tactic to the length of which +it had never yet come. + +Next day, out we were taken for the whilk purpose; and we went through +our motions bravely. Prime--load--handle cartridge--ram down +cartridge--return bayonets--and shoulder hoop--make ready--present--fire. +Such was the confusion, and the flurry, and the din of the report, that I +was so flustered and confused, thinking that half of us would have been +shot dead, that--will ye believe it?--I never yet had mind to pull the +tricker. Howsomever, I minded aye with the rest to ram down a fresh +cartridge at the word of command; and something told me I would repent +not doing like the rest, (for I had half a kind of notion that my piece +never went off;) so, when the firing was over, the sergeant of the +company ordered all that had loaded pieces to come to the front. I +swithered a little, not being very sure like what to do; but some five or +six stept out; and our corporal, on looking at my piece, ordered me with +the rest to the front. It was just by all the world like an execution; +we six, in the face of the regiment, in a little line, going through our +mauoeuvres at the word of command; and I could hardly stand upon my feet, +with a queer feeling of fear and trembling, till at length the terrible +moment came. I looked straight forward--for I durst not jee my head +about, and turned to the hills and green trees, as if I was never to see +nature more. + +Our pieces were cocked; and at the word--Fire!--off they went. It was an +act of desperation to draw the tricker, and I had hardly well shut my +blinkers, when I got such a thump in the shoulder, as knocked me +backwards head-over-heels on the grass. Before I came to my senses, I +could have sworn I was in another world; but, when I opened my eyes, +there were the men at ease, holding their sides, laughing like to spleet +them; and my gun lying on the ground, two or three ell before me. + +When I found myself not killed outright, I began to rise up. As I was +rubbing my breek-knees, I saw one of the men going forward to lift up the +fatal piece; and my care for the safety of others overcame the sense of +my own peril,--"Let alane--let alane!" cried I to him, "and take care of +yoursell, for it has to gang off five times yet." + +The laughing was now terrible, but being little of a soldier, I thought, +in my innocence, that we should hear as many reports as I had crammed +cartridges down her muzzle. This was a sore joke against me for a length +of time; but I tholed it patiently, considering cannily within myself, +that knowledge is only to be bought by experience, and that, if we can +credit the old song, even Johnny Cope himself did not learn the art of +war in a single morning. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII.--THE CHINCOUGH PILGRIMAGE. + + + Man hath a weary pilgrimage + As through the world he wends: + On every stage from youth to age + Still discontent attends. + With heaviness he casts his eye + Upon the road before, + And still remembers with a sigh + The days that are no more. + + SOUTHEY. + +Some folks having been bred up from their cradle to the writing of books, +of course naturally do the thing regularly and scientifically; but that's +not to be expected from the like of me, that have followed no other way +of life than the shaping and sewing line. It behoves me, therefore, to +beg pardon for not being able to carry my history aye regularly straight +forward, and for being forced whiles to zig-zag and vandyke. For +instance, I clean forgot to give, in its proper place, a history of one +of my travels, with Benjie in my bosom, in search of a cure for the +chincough. + +My son Benjie was, at this dividual time, between four and five years +old, when--poor wee chieldie!--he took the chincough, and in more +respects than one was not in a good way; so the doctor recommended his +mother and me, for the change of air, first to carry him down a coal-pit, +and syne to the limekilns at Cousland. + +The coal-pit I could not think of at all; to say nothing of the danger of +swinging down into the bowels of the earth in a creel, the thing aye put +me in mind of the awful place, where the wicked, after death and +judgment, howl, and hiss, and gnash their teeth; and where, unless Heaven +be more merciful than we are just--we may all be soon enough. So I could +not think of that, till other human means failed; and I determined, in +the first place, to hire Tammie Dobbie's cart, and try a smell of the +fresh air about the limekilns. + +It was a fine July forenoon, and the cart, filled with clean straw, was +at the door by eleven o'clock; so our wife handed us out a pair of +blankets to hap round me, and syne little Benjie into my arms, with his +big-coatie on, and his leather cappie tied below his chin, and a bit red +worsted comforterie round his neck; for, though the sun was warm and +pleasant withal, we dreaded cold, as the doctor bade us. Oh, he was a +fine old man, Doctor Hartshorn! + +We had not well got out of the town, when Tammie Dobbie louped up on the +fore-tram. He was a crouse, cantie auld cock, having seen much and not +little in his day; so he began a pleasant confab, pointing out all the +gentlemen's houses round the country, and the names of the farms on the +hill sides. To one like me, whose occupations tie him to the town-foot, +it really is a sweet and grateful thing to be let loose, as it were, for +a wee among the scenes of peace and quietness, where nature is in a way +wild and wanton--where the clouds above our heads seem to sail along more +grandly over the bosom of the sky, and the wee birds to cheep and churm, +from the hedges among the fields, with greater pleasure, feeling that +they are God's free creatures. + +I cannot tell how many thoughts came over my mind, one after another, +like the waves of the sea down on Musselburgh beach; but especially the +days when I was a wee callant with a daidly at Dominie Duncan's school, +were fresh in my mind as if the time had been but yesterday; though much, +much was I changed since then, being at that time a little, careless, +ragged laddie, and now the head of a family, earning bread to my wife and +wean by the sweat of my brow. I thought on the blythe summer days when I +dandered about the braes and bushes seeking birds'-nests with Alick +Bowsie and Samuel Search; and of the time when we stood upon one +another's backs, to speil up to the ripe cherries that hung over the +garden walls of Woodburn. Awful changes had taken place since then. I +had seen Sammy die of the black jaundice--an awful spectacle! and poor +Alick Bowsie married to a drucken randie, that wore the breeks, and did +not allow the misfortunate creature the life of a dog. + +When I was meditating thus, after the manner of the patriarch Isaac, +there was a pleasant sadness at my heart, though it was like to loup to +my mouth; but I could not get leave to enjoy it long for the tongue of +Tammie Dobbie. He bade me look over into a field, about the middle of +which were some wooden railings round the black gaping mouth of a coal- +pit. "Div ye see that dark bit owre yonder amang the green clover, wi' +the sticks about it?" asked Tammie. + +"Yes," said I; "and what for?" + +"Weel, do you ken," quo' Tammie, "that has been a weary place to mair +than ane. Twa-three year ago, some o' the collyer bodies were choked to +death down below wi' a blast of foul air; and a pour o' orphan weans they +left behint them on the cauldrife parish. But ye'll mind Hornem, the +sherry-officer wi' the thrawn shouther?" + +"Ou, bravely; I believe he came to some untimeous end hereaway about?" + +"Just in that spat," answered Tammie. "He was a drucken, blustering +chield, as ye mind; fearing neither man nor de'il, and living a wild, +wicked, regardless life; but, puir man, that couldna aye last. He had +been bousing about the countryside somehow--maybe harrying out of house +and hald some puir bodies that hadna the wherewith to pay their rents; +so, in riding hame fou--it was pitmirk, and the rain pouring down in +bucketfu's--he became dumfoundered wi' the darkness and the dramming +thegither; and, losing his way, wandered about the fields, hauling his +mare after him by the bridle. In the morning the beast was found +nibbling away at the grass owre by yonder, wi' the saddle upon its back, +and a broken bridle hinging down about its fore-legs, by the which the +folks round were putten upon the scent; for, on making search down yon +pit, he was fund at the bottom, wi' his brains smashed about him, and his +legs and arms broken to chitters!" + +"Save us!" said I, "it makes a' my flesh grue." + +"Weel it may," answered Tammie, "or the story's lost in the telling; for +the collyers that fand him shook as if they had been seized wi' the ague. +The dumb animal, ye observe, had far mair sense than him; for, when his +fitting gaed way, instead of following it had plunged back; and the bit +o' the bridle, that had broken, was still in his grup, when they spied +him wi' their lanterns." + +"It was an awful like way to leave the world," said I. + +"'Deed it was, and nae less," answered Tammie, "to gang to his lang +account in the middle of his mad thochtlessness, without a moment's +warning. But see, yonder's Cousland lying right forrit to the east +hand." + +At this very nick of time Benjie was seized with a severe kink; so Tammie +stopped his cart, and I held his head over the side of it till the cough +went by. I thought his inside would have jumped out; but he fell sound +asleep in two or three minutes; and we jogged on till we came to the yill- +house door, where, after louping out, we got a pickle pease-strae to +Tammie's horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV.--MY LORD'S RACES. + + + Aff they a' went galloping, galloping; + Legs and arms a' walloping, walloping; + De'il take the hindmost, quo' Duncan M'Calapin, + The Laird of Tillyben, joe. + + _Old Song_. + + He went a little further, + And turn'd his head aside, + And just by Goodman Whitfield's gate, + Oh there the mare he spied, + He ask'd her how she did, + She stared him in the face, + Then down she laid her head again-- + She was in wretched case. + + _Old Poulter's Mare_. + +It happened curiously that, of all the days of the year, this should have +been the one on which the Carters'-play was held; and, by good luck, we +were just in time to see that grand sight. The whole regiment of carters +were paraded up at my Lord's door, for so they call their box-master; and +a beautiful thing it was, I can assure ye. What a sight of ribands was +on the horses! Many a crame must have been emptied ere such a number of +manes and long tails could have been busked out. The beasts themselves, +poor things, I dare say, wondered much at their bravery, and no less I am +sure did the riders. They looked for all the world like living +haberdashery shops. Great bunches of wallflower, thyme, spearmint, +batchelor buttons, gardeners' gartens, peony roses, gillyflower, and +southernwood, were stuck in their button-holes; and broad belts of +stripped silk, of every colour in the rainbow, were flung across their +shoulders. As to their hats, the man would have had a clear ee that +could have kent what was their shape or colour. They were all rowed +round with ribands, and puffed about the rim with long green or white +feathers; and cockades were stuck on the off side, to say nothing of long +strips fleeing behind them in the wind like streamers. Save us! to see +men so proud of finery; if they had been peacocks one would have thought +less; but in decent sober men, the heads of small families, and with no +great wages, the thing was crazy-like. Was it not? + +At long and last we saw them all set in motion, like a regiment of +dragoons, two and two, with a drum and fife at their head, as if they had +been marching to the field of battle. By-the-bye, it was two of our own +volunteer lads that were playing that day before them, Rory Skirl the +snab, and Geordie Thump the dyer; so this, ye see, verified the old +proverb, that travel where ye like, to the world's end, ye'll aye meet +with kent faces; Tammie and me coming out to the yill-house door to see +them pass by. + +Behind the drum and fife came a big, half-crazy looking chield, with a +broad blue bonnet on his head, and a red worsted cherry sticking in the +crown of it. He was carrying a new car-saddle over his shoulder on a +well-cleaned pitchfork. Syne came three abreast, one on each side of my +lord, being the key-keepers; he keeping the box, and they keeping the +keys, in case like he should take any thing out. And syne came the auld +my lord--him that was my lord last year, ye observe; and syne came the +colours, as bright and bonny as mostly any thing ye ever saw. On one of +them was painted a plough and harrows, and a man sowing wheat; over the +top of which were gilded letters, the which I was able to read when I put +on my specs, being, if I mind well, "Speed the Plough." On the other +one, which was a mazarine blue with yellow fringes, was the picture of +two carters, with flat bonnets on their heads, the tane with a whip in +his hand, and the tither a rake, making hay like. Then came they all +passing by two and two, looking as if each one of them had been the Duke +of Buccleuch himself, every one rigged out in his best; the young +callants, such like as had just entered the box, coming hindmost, and +thinking themselves, I daresay, no small drink, and the day a great one +when they were first allowed to be art and part in such a grand +procession. + +But losh me! I had mostly forgot the piper, that played in the middle, +as proud as Hezekiah, that we read of in Second Kings, strutting about +from side to side with his bare legs and big buckles, and bit Macgregor +tartan jacket--his cheeks blown up with wind like a smith's bellows--the +feathers dirling with conceit in his bonnet--and the drone, below his +oxter, squeeling and skirling like an evil spirit tied up in a green bag. +Keep us all! what gleys he gied about him to observe that the folk were +looking at him! He put me in mind of the song that old Barny used to +sing about the streets-- + + Ilka ane his sword and dirk has, + Ilka ane as proud's a Turk is; + There's the Grants o' Tullochgorum, + Wi' their pipers gaun before 'em; + Proud the mithers are that bore 'em. + Feedle, faddle, fa, fum. + +But who do ye think should come up to us at this blessed moment, with a +staff in his hand, being old now, and not able to ride in the procession, +as he had many a time and often done before, but honest Saunders Tram, +that had been a staunch customer of mine since the day on which I opened +shop, and to whom I had made countless pairs of corduroy spatterdashes; +so we shook hands jocosely together, like old acquaintances, and the body +hodged and leuch as if he had found a fiddle, he was so glad to see me. + +Benjie having fallen asleep, Luckie Barm of the Change, a douce woman, +put him to his bed, and promised to take care of him till we came back; +Saunders Tram insisting on us to go forward along with him to see the +race. I had no great scruple to do this, as I thought Benjie would +likely sleep for an hour, being wearied with the joogling of the cart, +and having supped a mutchkin bowlful of Luckie Barm's broo and bread. + +By the time we had tramped on to the braehead, two or three had booked +for the race, and were busy pulling away the flowers that hung over about +their horses' lugs, to say little of the tapes and twine; and which made +them look, poor brutes, as if they were not very sure what was the matter +with them. Meanwhile, there was a terrible uproar between my lord and a +man from Edinburgh Grassmarket, leading a limping horse, covered with a +dirty sheet, with two holes for the beast's een looking out at. + +But, for all this outward care, the poor thing seemed very like as if +wind was more plenty in the land than corn, being thin and +starved-looking, and as lame as Vulcan in the off hind-leg. So ye see +the managers of the box insisted on its not running; and the man said "it +had a right to run as well as any other horse;" and my lord said "it had +no such thing, as it was not in the box;" and the man said "he would take +out a protest;" and my lord said "he didna gie a bawbee for a protest; +and that he would not allow him to run on any account whatsoever;" but +the man was throng all the time they were argle-bargling taking the cover +off the beast's back, that was ready saddled, and as accoutred for +running as our regiment of volunteers was for fighting on field-days. So +he swore like a trooper, that, notwithstanding all their debarring, he +would run in spite of their teeth--both my lord's teeth, ye observe, and +that of the two key-keepers;--maybe, too, of the man that carried the +saddle, for he aye lent in a word at my lord's back, egging him on to +stand out for the laws to the last drop of his blood. + +To cut a long tale short, the drum ruffed, and off set four of them, a +black one, and a white one, and a brown one, and the man's one, neck and +neck, as neat as you like. The race course was along the high-road; and, +dog on it, they made a noise like thunder, throwing out their big heavy +feet behind them, and whisking their tails from side to side as if they +would have dung out one another's een; till, not being used to gallop, +they at last began to funk and fling; syne first one stopping, and then +another, wheeling round and round about like peiries, in spite of the +riders whipping them, and pulling them by the heads. The man's mare, +however, from the Grassmarket, with the limping leg, carried on, followed +by the white one, an old tough brute, that had belonged in its youth to a +trumpeter of the Scots Greys; and, to tell the truth, it showed mettle +still, though far past its best; so back they came, neck and neck, all +the folk crying, and holloing, and clapping their hands--some "Weel dune +the lame ane--five shillings on the lame ane;"--and others, "Weel run +Bonaparte--at him, auld Bonaparte--two to one that Whitey beats him all +to sticks,"--when, dismal to relate, the limping-legged ane couped the +creels, and old white Bonaparte came in with his tail cocked amid loud +cheering, and no small clapping of hands. + +We all ran down the road to the place where the limping horse was lying, +for it was never like to rise up again any more than the bit rider, that +was thrown over its head like an arrow out of a bow; but on helping him +to his feet, save and except the fright, two wide screeds across his +trowser-knees, and a scratch along the brig of his nose, nothing visible +was to be perceived. It was different, however, with the limping horse. +Misfortunate brute! one of its fore-legs had folded below it, and snapped +through at the fetlock joint. There was it lying with a sad sorrowful +look, as if it longed for death to come quick and end its miseries; the +blood, all the while, gush-gushing out at the gaping wound. To all it +was as plain as the A, B, C, that the bones would never knit; and that, +considering the case it was in, it would be an act of Christian charity +to put the beast out of pain. The maister gloomed, stroked his chin, and +looked down, knowing, weel-a-wat, that he had lost his bread-winner, then +gave his head a nod, nod--thrusting both his hands down to the bottom +lining of the pockets of his long square-tailed jockey coat. He was a +wauf, hallanshaker-looking chield, with an old broad-snouted japanned +beaver hat pulled over his brow--one that seemed by his phisog to hold +the good word of the world as nothing--and that had, in the course of +circumstances, been reduced to a kind of wild desperation, either by +chance-misfortunes, cares and trials, or, what is more likely, by his own +sinful, regardless way of life. + +"It canna be helpit," he said, giving his head a bit shake; "it canna be +helpit, friends. Ay, Jess, ye were a gude ane in yere day, lass,--mony a +penny and pound have I made out of ye. Which o' ye can lend me a hand, +lads? Rin away for a gun some o' ye." + +Here Thomas Clod interfered with a small bit of advice--a thing that +Thomas was good at, being a Cameraman elder, and accustomed to giving a +word. "Wad ye no think it better," said Thomas, "to stick her with a +long gully-knife, or a sharp shoemaker's parer? It wad be an easier way, +I'm thinking." + +Dog on it! I could scarcely keep from shuddering when I heard them +speaking in this wild, heathenish, bloody sort of a manner. + +"'Deed no," quo' Saunders Tram, at whose side I was standing, "far +better send away for the smith's forehammer, and hit her a smack or twa +betwixt the e'en; so ye wad settle her in half a second." + +"No, no;" cried Tammie Dobbie, lending in his word, "a better plan than +a' that, wad be to make a strong kinch of ropes, and hang her." + +Lovey ding! such ways of showing how to be merciful!! But the old Jockey +himself interfered. "Haud yere tongues, fules," was his speech; +"yonder's the man coming wi' a gun. We'll shune put an end to her. She +would have won for a hunder pounds, if she hadna broken her leg.--Wha'll +wager me that she wadna hae won? But she's the last of my stable, puir +beast; and I havena ae plack to rub against anither, now that I have lost +her. Gi'e me the gun and the penny candle. Is she loaded?" speired he +at the man that carried the piece. + +"Troth is she," was the answer, "double charged." + +"Then stand back, lads," quod the old round-shouthered horse-couper, and +ramming down the candle he lifted up the piece, cocking it as he went +four or five yards in front of the poor bleeding brute, that seemed, +though she could not rise, to know what he was about with the weapon of +destruction; casting her black eye up at him, and looking pitifully in +his face. + +When I saw him taking his aim, and preparing to draw the trigger, I +turned round my back, not being able to stand it, and brizzed the flats +of my hands with all my pith against the opening of my ears; +nevertheless, I heard a faint boom; so, heeling round, I observed the +miserable bleeding creature lift her head, and pulling up her legs, give +them a plunge down again on the divots: after which she lay still, and we +all saw, to our satisfaction, that death had come to her relief. + +We are not commanded to be the judges of our fellow-creatures, but to +think charitably of all men, hoping every thing for the best; and, though +the horse-couper was a thought suspicious, both in look, speech, dress, +and outward behaviour, still, ever and anon, we were bound by the ten +commandments to consider him only in the light of a fellow-mortal in +distress of mind and poverty of pocket; so we made a superscription for +the poor man; and, though he did not look much like one that deserved our +charity, nevertheless and howsoever, maybe he was a bad halfpenny, and +maybe not; yet one thing was visibly certain, that he was as poor as +Job--misery being written in big-hand letters on his brow. So it behoved +each one to open his purse as he could afford it; and, though I say not +what I put into the hat, proud am I to tell that he collected two or +three shillings to help him home. + +This job being over to his mind as well as mine, and the money safely +stowed into his big hinder coat-pocket--would ye believe it? ere yet the +beast was scarcely cold, just as we were decamping from the place, and +buttoning up our breeches-pockets, we saw him casting his coat, and had +the curiosity to stand still for a jiffy, to observe what he was after, +in case, in the middle of his misfortunes, he was bent on some act of +desperation; when, lo and behold! he out with a gully knife, and began +skinning his old servant, as if he had been only peeling the bark off a +fallen tree! + +One cannot sit at their ingle-cheek and expect, without casting their +eyes about them, to grow experienced in the ways of men, or the on-goings +of the world. This spectacle gave me, I can assure you, much and no +little insight; and so dowie was I with the thoughts of what I had +witnessed of the selfishness, the sinfulness, and perversity of man, that +I grew more and more home-sick, thinking never so much in my life before +of my quiet hearthstone and cheerful ingle; and though Thomas Clod +insisted greatly on my staying to their head-meeting dinner, and taking a +reel with the lassies in the barn; and Tammie Dobbie, the bit body, had +got so much into the spirit of the thing, that little persuasion would +have made him stay all night and reel till the dawing--yet I was +determined to make the best of my way home; more-be-token, as Benjie +might take skaith from the night air, and our jaunt therefrom might, +instead of contributing to his welfare, do him more harm than good. So, +after getting some cheese and bread, to say nothing of a glass or two of +strong beer and a dram at Luckie Barm's, we waited in her parlour, which +was hung round with most beautiful pictures of Joseph and his Brethren, +besides two stucco parrots on the chimney-piece, amusing ourselves with +looking at them, as a pastime like, till Benjie wakened; on the which I +made Tammie yoke his beast, and rowing the bit callant in his mother's +shawl, took him into my arms in the cart, and, after shaking hands with +all and sundry twice or thrice over, we bade them a "good-night," and +drove away. + + + + +CHAPTER XV.--THE RETURN. + + + That sweet home is their delight, + And thither they repair + Communion with their own to hold! + Peaceful as, at the fall of night, + Two little lambkins gliding white + Return unto the gentle air, + That sleeps within the fold. + Or like two birds to their lonely nest, + Or wearied waves to their bay of rest, + Or fleecy clouds when their race is run, + That hang in their own beauty blest, + 'Mid the calm that sanctifies the west + Around the setting sun. + + WILSON. + +I may confess, without thinking shame, that I was glad when I found our +nebs turned homeward; and, when we got over the turn of the brae at the +old quarry-holes, to see the blue smoke of our own Dalkeith, hanging like +a thin cloud over the tops of the green trees, through which I perceived +the glittering weathercock on the old kirk steeple. Tammie, poor +creature, I observed, was a whit ree with the good cheer; and, as he sat +on the fore-tram, with his whip-hand thrown over the beast's haunches, he +sang, half to himself and half-aloud, a great many old Scotch songs, such +as "the Gaberlunzie," "Aiken Drum," "Tak' yere Auld Cloak about ye," and +"the Deuks dang ower my Daddie;" besides "The Mucking o' Geordie's Byre," +and "Ca' the Ewes to the Knowes," and so on; but, do what I liked, I +could not keep my spirits up, thinking of the woful end of the poor old +horse, and of the ne'er-do-weel loon its master. Many an excellent +instruction of Mr Wiggie's came to my mind, of how we misguided the good +things that were lent us for our use here, by a gracious Provider, who +would, however, bid us render a final account to him of our conduct and +conversation. I thought of how many were aye complaining and +complaining, myself whiles among the rest, of the hardships, the +miseries, and the misfortunes of their lot; putting all down to the score +of fate, and never once thinking of the plantations of sorrow, reared up +from the seeds of our own sinfulness; or how any thing, save punishment, +could come of the breaking of the ten commandments delivered to the +patriarch Moses. Perhaps, reckoned I with myself, perhaps in this, even +I myself may have in this day's transactions erred. Here am I wandering +about in a cart; exposing myself to the defilement of the world, to the +fear of robbers, and to the night air, in the search of health for a +dwining laddie; as if the hand that dealt that blessing out was not as +powerful at home as it is abroad. Had I remained at my own lapbroad, the +profits of my day's work would have been over and above for the +maintenance of my family, outside and inside; instead of which, I have +been at the expense of a cart-hire and a horse's up-putting, let alone +Tammie's debosh and my own, besides the trifle of threepence to the round- +shouldered old horse-couper with the slouched japan beaver hat. The +story was too true a one; but, alack-a-day, it was now over late to +repent! + +As I was thus musing, the bright red sun of summer sank down behind the +top of the Pentland Hills, and all looked bluish, dowie, and dreary, as +if the heart of the world had been seized with a sudden dwalm, and the +face of nature had at once withered from blooming youth into the +hoariness of old age. Now and then the birds gave a bit chitter; and +whiles a cow mooed from the fields; and the dew was falling like the +little tears of the fairies out of the blue lift, where the gloaming-star +soon began to glow and glitter bonnily. + +What I had seen and witnessed made my thoughts heavy and my heart sad; I +could not get the better of it. I looked round and round me, as we +jogged along over the height, down on the far distant country, that +spread out as if it had been a great big picture, with hills, and fields, +and woods; and I could still see to the norward the ships lying at their +anchors on the sea, and the shores of Fife far far beyond it. It was a +great and a grand sight; and made me turn from the looking at it into my +own heart, causing me to think more and more of the glory of the Maker's +handiworks, and less and less of the littleness of prideful man. But +Tammie had gotten his drappikie, and the tongue of the body would not lie +still a moment; so he blethered on from one thing to another, as we +jogged along, till I was forced at the last to give up thinking, and +begin a twa-handed crack with him. + +"Have you your snuff-box upon ye?"--said Tammie. "Gi'e me a pinch." + +Having given him the box, I observed to him, that "it was beginning to +grow dark and dowie." + +"'Deed is't," said Tammie; "but a body can now scarcely meet on the road +wi' ony think waur than themsell. Mony a witch, de'il, and bogle, +however, did my grannie see and hear tell of, that used to scud and +scamper hereaway langsyne like maukins." + +"Witches!" quo' I. "No, no Tammie, all these things are out of the land +now; and muckle luck to them. But we have other things to fear; what +think ye of highway robbers?" + +"Highway robbers!" said Tammie. "Kay, kay; I'll tell ye of something +that I met in wi' mysell. Ae dark winter night, as I was daundering hame +frae Pathhead--it was pitmirk, and about the twall--losh me, I couldna +see my finger afore me!--that a stupid thocht cam into my head that I wad +never wun hame, but be either killed, lost, murdered, or drowned, between +that and the dawing. All o' a sudden I sees a light coming dancing +forrit amang the trees; and my hair began to stand up on end. Then, in +the next moment--save us a'!--I sees anither light, and forrit, forrit +they baith cam, like the een of some great fiery monster, let loose frae +the pit o' darkness by its maister, to seek whom it might devour." + +"Stop, Tammie," said I to him, "yell wauken Benjie. How far are we from +Dalkeith?" + +"Twa mile and a bittock," answered Tammie. "But wait a wee.--Up cam the +two lights snoov-snooving, nearer and nearer; and I heard distinctly the +sound of feet that werena men's--cloven feet, maybe--but nae wheels. Sae +nearer it cam and nearer, till the sweat began to pour owre my een as +cauld as ice; and, at lang and last, I fand my knees beginning to gi'e +way; and, after tot-tottering for half a minute, I fell down, my staff +playing bleach out before me. When I cam to mysell, and opened my een, +there were the twa lights before me, bleez-bleezing, as if they wad blast +my sight out. And what did they turn out to be, think ye? The de'il or +spunkie, whilk o' them?" + +"I'm sure I canna tell," said I. + +"Naithing mair then," answered Tammie, "but twa bowets; ane tied to ilka +knee of auld Doofie, the half-crazy horse-doctor, mounted on his lang- +tailed naig, and away through the dark by himsell, at the dead hour o' +night, to the relief of a man's mare seized with the batts, somewhere +down about Oxenford." + +I was glad that Tammie's story had ended in this way, when out came +another tramping on its heels. + +"Do you see the top of yon black trees to the eastward there, on the +braehead?" + +"I think I do," was my reply. "But how far, think ye, are we from home +now?" + +"About a mile and a half," said Tammie.--"Weel, as to the trees, I'll +tell ye something about them. + +"There was an auld widow-leddy lived langsyne about the town-end of +Dalkeith. A sour, cankered, curious body--she's dead and rotten lang +ago. But what I was gaun to say, she had a bonny bit fair-haired, blue- +ee'd lassie of a servant-maid that lodged in the house wi' her, just by +all the world like a lamb wi' an wolf; a bonnier quean, I've heard tell, +never steppit in leather shoon; so all the young lads in the gate-end +were wooing at her, and fain to have her; but she wad only have ae joe +for a' that. He was a journeyman wright, a trades-lad, and they had +come, three or four year before, frae the same place thegither--maybe +having had a liking for ane anither since they were bairns; so they were +gaun to be married the week after Da'keith Fair, and a' was settled. But +what, think ye, happened? He got a drap drink, and a recruiting party +listed him in the king's name, wi' pitting a white shilling in his loof. + +"When the poor lassie heard what had come to pass, and how her sweetheart +had ta'en the bounty, she was like to gang distrackit, and took to her +bed. The doctor never took up her trouble; and some said it was a fever. +At last she was roused out o't, but naebody ever saw her laugh after; and +frae ane that was as cantie as a lintie, she became as douce as a Quaker, +though she aye gaed cannily about her wark, as if amaist naething had +happened. If she was ony way light-headed before, to be sure she wasna +that noo; but just what a decent quean should be, sitting for hours by +the kitchen fire her lane, reading the Bible, and thinking, wha kens, of +what wad become o' the wicked after they died; and so ye see"-- + +"What light is yon?" said I, interrupting him, wishing him like to break +off. + +"Ou, it's just the light on some of the coal-hills. The puir blackened +creatures will be gaun down to their wark. It's an unyearthly kind of +trade, turning night intil day, and working like moudiewarts in the dark, +when decent folks are in their beds sleeping.--And so, as I was saying, +ye see, it happened ae Sunday night that a chap cam to the back door; and +the mistress too heard it. She was sitting in the foreroom wi' her specs +on, reading some sermon book; but it was the maid that answered. + +"In a while thereafter, she rang her bell, being a curious body, and aye +anxious to ken a' thing of her ain affairs, let alane her neighbours; so, +after waiting a wee, she rang again,--and better rang; then lifting up +her stick, for she was stiff with the rheumaticks and decay of nature, +she hirpled into the kitchen,--but feint a hait saw she there, save the +open Bible lying on the table, the cat streekit out before the fire, and +the candle burning--the candle--na, I daur say I am wrang there, I +believe it was a lamp, for she was a near ane. As for her maiden, there +was no trace of her." + +"What do ye think came owre her then?" said I to him, liking to be at my +wits' end. "Naething uncanny, I daur say?" + +"Ye'll hear in a moment," answered Tammie, "a' that I ken o' the matter. +Ye see--as I asked ye before--yon trees on the hill-head to the eastward; +just below yon black cloud yonder?" + +"Preceesely," said I--"I see them well enough." + +"Weel, after a' thochts of finding her were gi'en up, and it was fairly +concluded, that it was the auld gudeman that had come and chappit her +out, she was fund in a pond among yon trees, floating on her back, wi' +her Sunday's claes on!!" + +"Drowned?" said I to him. + +"Drowned--and as stiff as a deal board," answered Tammie. "But when she +was drowned--or how she came to be drowned--or who it was drowned her--has +never been found out to this blessed moment." + +"Maybe," said I, lending in my word--"maybe she had grown demented, and +thrown herself in i' the dark." + +"Or maybe," said Tammie, "the de'il flew away wi' her in a flash o' fire; +and, soosing her down frae the lift, she landit in that hole, where she +was fund floating. But--wo!--wo!" cried he to his horse, coming across +its side with his whip--"We maun be canny; for this brig has a sharp +turn, (it was the Cow Brig, ye know,) and many a one, both horse and man, +have got their necks broken, by not being wary enough of that corner." + +This made me a thought timorous, having the bit laddie Benjie fast asleep +in my arms; and as I saw that Tammie's horse was a wee fidgety; and glad, +I dare say, poor thing, to find itself so near home. We heard the water, +far down below, roaring and hushing over the rocks, and thro' among the +Duke's woods--big, thick, black trees, that threw their branches, like +giant's arms, half across the Esk, making all below as gloomy as +midnight; while over the tops of them, high, high aboon, the bonnie wee +starries were twink-twinkling far amid the blue. But there was no end to +Tammie's tongue. + +"Weel," said he, "speaking o' the brig, I'll tell you a gude story about +that. Auld Jamie Bowie, the potato merchant, that lived at the Gate-end, +had a horse and cart that met wi' an accident just at the turn o' the +corner yonder; and up cam a chield sair forfaughten, and a' out of +breath, to Jamie's door, crying like the prophet Jeremiah to the auld +Jews, 'Rin, rin away doun to the Cow Brig; for your cart's dung to +shivers, and the driver's killed, as weel as the horse!' + +"James ran in for his hat; but, as he was coming out at the door, he met +another messenger, such as came running across the plain to David, to +acquaint him of the death of Absalom, crying, 'Rin away doun, Jamie, rin +away doun; your cart is standing yonder, without either horse or driver; +for they're baith killed!' + +"Jamie thanked Heaven that the cart was to the fore; then, rinning back +for his stick, which he had forgotten, he stopped a moment to bid his +wife not greet so loud, and was then rushing out in full birr, when he +ran foul of a third chield, that mostly knocked doun the door in his +hurry. 'Awfu' news, man, awfu' news,' was the way o't, with this second +Eliphaz the Temanite. 'Your cart and horse ran away--and threw the +driver, puir fellow, clean owre the brig into the water. No a crunch o' +him is to be seen or heard tell of; for he was a' smashed to pieces!! +It's an awfu' business!' + +"'But where's the horse? and where's the cart, then?' askit Jamie, a +thought brisker. 'Where's the horse and cart, then, my man? Can ye tell +me ought of that?' + +"'Ou,' said he, 'they're baith doun at the Toll yonder, no a hair the +waur.' + +"'That's the best news I've heard the nicht, my man.--Goodwife, I say, +Goodwife; are ye deaf or donnart? Give this lad a dram; and, as it +rather looks like a shower, I'll e'en no go out the night.--I'll easily +manage to find another driver, though half a hundred o' the blockheads +should get their brains knocked out.' + +"Is not that a gude ane noo?" quo' Tammie, laughing. "'Od Jamie Bowie +was a real ane. He wadna let them light a candle by his bedside to let +him see to dee; he gied them a curse, and said that was needless +extravagance." + +Dog on it, thought I to myself, the further in the deeper. This beats +the round-shouldered horse-couper with the Japan hat, skinning his +reeking horse, all to sticks; and so I again fell into a gloomy sort of a +musing; when, just as we came opposite the Duke's gate, with the deers on +each side of it, two men rushed out upon us, and one of them seized +Tammie's horse by the bridle, as the other one held his horse-pistol to +my nose, and bade me stop in the King's name! + +"Hold your hand, hold your hand, for the sake of mercy!" cried I. "Spare +the father of a small family that will starve on the street if ye take my +life!! Hae--hae--there's every coin and copper I have about me in the +world! Be merciful, be merciful; and do not shed blood that will not, +cannot be rubbed out of your conscience. Take all that we have--horse +and cart and all if ye like; only spare our lives, and let us away home!" + +"De'il's in the man," quo' Tammie, "horse and cart! that's a gude one! +Na, na, lads; fire away gin ye like; for as lang as I hae a drap o' bluid +in me, ye'll get neither. Better be killed than starve. Do your best, +ye thieves that ye are; and I'll hae baith of ye hanged neist week before +the Fifteen!" + +Every moment I expected my head to be shot off, till I got my hand +clapped on Tammie's mouth, and could get cried to them--"Shoot him then, +lads; shoot him then, lads, if he wants it; but take my siller like +Christians, and let me away with my poor deeing bairn!" + +The two men seemed a something dumfoundered with what they heard; and I +began to think them, if they were highway robbers, a wee slow at their +trade; when, what think ye did they turn out to be--only guess? Nothing +more nor less than two excise officers, that had got information of some +smuggled gin, coming up in a cart from Fisherrow Harbour, and were +lurking on the road-side, looking out for spuilzie!! + +When they quitted us giggling, I could not keep from laughing too; though +the sights I had seen, and the fright I had got, made me nervish and +eerie; so blithe was I when the cart rattled on our own street, and I +began to waken Benjie, as we were not above a hundred yards from our own +door. + +In this day's adventures, I saw the sin and folly of my conduct visibly, +as I jumped out of the cart at our close mouth. So I determined within +myself, with a strong determination, to behave more sensibly for the +future, and think no more about limekilns and coal-pits; but to trust, +for Benjie's recovery from the chincough, to a kind Providence, together +with Daffy's elixir, and warm blankets. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI.--THE BLOODY CARTRIDGE. + + + So stands the Thracian herdsman with his spear + Full in the gap, and hopes the hunted bear; + And hears him in the rustling wood, and sees + His course at distance by the bending trees; + And thinks--Here comes my mortal enemy, + And either he must fall in fight or I. + + DRYDEN'S _Palamon and Arcite_. + + Nay, never shake thy gory locks at me; + Thou canst not say I did it! + + _Macbeth_. + +It was on a fine summer morning, somewhere about four o'clock, when I +wakened from my night's rest, and was about thinking to bestir myself, +that I heard the sound of voices in the kail-yard stretching south from +our back windows. I listened--and I listened--and I better listened--and +still the sound of the argle-bargling became more distinct, now in a +fleeching way, and now in harsh angry tones, as if some quarrelsome +disagreement had taken place. I had not the comfort of my wife's company +in this dilemmy; she being away, three days before, on the top of Tammie +Trundle the carrier's cart, to Lauder, on a visit to her folks there; her +mother (my gudemother like) having been for some time ill with an income +in her leg, which threatened to make a lameter of her in her old age, the +two doctors there--not speaking of the blacksmith, and sundry skeely old +women--being able to make nothing of the business; so nobody happened to +be with me in the room saving wee Benjie, who was lying asleep at the +back of the bed, with his little Kilmarnock on his head, as sound as a +top. Nevertheless, I looked for my clothes; and, opening one half of the +window shutter, I saw four young birkies, well dressed--indeed three of +them customers of my own--all belonging to the town; two of them young +doctors, one of them a writer's clerk, and the other a grocer. The whole +appeared very fierce and fearsome, like turkey-cocks; swaggering about +with warlike arms as if they had been the king's dragoons; and priming a +pair of pistols, which one of the surgeons, a spirity, outspoken lad, +Maister Blister, was holding in his grip. + +I jealoused at once what they were after, being now a wee up to +fire-arms; so I saw that scaith was to come of it; and that I would be +wanting in my duty on four heads,--first, as a Christian; second, as a +man; third, as a subject; and fourth, as a father; if I withheld myself +from the scene; nor lifted up my voice, however fruitlessly, against such +crying iniquity as the wanton letting out of human blood; so forth I +hastened, half dressed, with my grey stockings rolled up my thighs over +my corduroys, and my old hat above my cowl, to the kail-yard of +contention. + +I was just in the nick of time; and my presence checked the effusion of +blood for a little--but wait a wee. So high and furious were at least +three of the party, that I saw it was catching water in a sieve to waste +words on them, knowing as clearly as the sun serves the world, that +interceding would be of no avail. Howsoever, I made a feint, and +threatened to bowl away for a magistrate, if they would not desist from +their barbarous and bloody purpose; but, i'fegs, I had better kept my +counsel till it was asked for. + +"Tailor Mansie," blustered out Maister Thomas Blister with a furious cock +of his eye--he was a queer Eirish birkie, come over for his +education--"since ye have ventured to thrust your nose, ma vourneen," +said he, "where nobody invited ye, you must just stay," added he, "and +abide by the consequences. This is an affair of honour, you take, don't +ye? and if ye venture to stir one foot from the spot, och then, ma +bouchal," said he, "by the poker of St Patrick, but whisk through ye goes +one of these leaden playthings, as sure as ye ever spoiled a coat, or +cabbaged broadcloth! Ye have now come out, ye observe,--hark ye," said +he, "and are art and part in the business; and if one, or both, of the +principals be killed, poor devils," said he, "we are all alike liable to +take our trial before the Justiciary Court, hark ye; and by the powers," +said he, "I doubt not but, on proper consideration, machree, that they +will allow us to get off mercifully, on this side of swinging, by a +verdict of manslaughter--and be hanged to them!" + +'Od, I found myself immediately in a scrape; but how to get out of it +baffled my gumption. It set me all a shivering; yet I thought that, come +the worst when it should, they surely would not hang the father of a +helpless small family, that had nothing but his needle for their support, +if I made a proper affidavy, about having tried to make peace between the +youths. So, conscience being a brave supporter, I abode in silence, +though not without many queer and qualmish thoughts, and a pit-patting of +the heart, not unco pleasant in the tholing. + +"Blood and wounds!" bawled Maister Thomas Blister, "it would be a +disgrace for ever on the honourable profession of physic," egging on poor +Maister Willy Magneezhy, whose face was as white as double-bleached +linen, "to make an apology for such an insult. Arrah, my honey! you not +fit to doctor a cat,--you not fit to bleed a calf,--you not fit to +poultice a pig,--after three years' apprenticeship," said he, "and a +winter with Doctor Monro? By the cupping-glasses of 'Pocrates," said he, +"and by the pistol of Gallon, but I would have caned him on the spot if +he had just let out half as much to me! Look ye, man," said he, "look +ye, man, he is all shaking," (this was a God's truth;) "he'll turn tail. +At him like fire, Willie." + +Magneezhy, though sadly frightened, looked a thought brighter; and made a +kind of half step forward. "Say that ye'll ask my pardon once more,--and +if not," whined the poor lad, with a voice broken and trembling, "then we +must just shoot one another." + +"Devil a bit," answered Maister Bloatsheet, "devil a bit. No, sir; you +must down on your bare knees, and beg ten thousand pardons for calling me +out here, in a raw morning; or I'll have a shot at you, whether you will +or not." + +"Will you stand that?" said Blister, with eyes like burning coals. "By +the living jingo, and the holy poker, Magneezhy, if you stand that,--if +you stand that, I say, I stand no longer your second, but leave you to +disgrace and a caning. If he likes to shoot you like a dog, and not as a +gentleman, then, cuishla machree,--let him do it, and be done!" + +"No, sir," replied Magneezhy with a quivering voice, which he tried in +vain, poor fellow, to render warlike, (he had never been in the +volunteers like me.) "Hand us the pistols, then; and let us do or die!" + +"Spoken like a hero, and brother of the lancet: as little afraid at the +sight of your own blood, as at that of your patients," said Blister. +"Hand over the pistols." + +It was an awful business. Gude save us, such goings on in a Christian +land! While Mr Bloatsheet, the young writer, was in the act of cocking +the bloody weapon, I again, but to no purpose, endeavoured to slip in a +word edgeways. Magneezhy was in an awful case; if he had been already +shot, he could not have looked more clay and corpse-like; so I took up a +douce earnest confabulation, while the stramash was drawing to a bloody +conclusion, with Mr Harry Molasses, the fourth in the spree, who was +standing behind Bloatsheet with a large mahogany box under his arm, +something in shape like that of a licensed packman, ganging about from +house to house, through the country-side, selling toys and trinkets; or +niffering plaited ear-rings, and suchlike, with young lasses, for old +silver coins or cracked teaspoons. + +"Oh!" answered he, very composedly, as if it had been a canister full of +black-rapee or black-guard, that he had just lifted down from his top- +shelf, "it's just Doctor Blister's saws, whittles, and big knives, in +case any of their legs or arms be blown away, that he may cut them off." +Little would have prevented me sinking down through the ground, had I not +remembered at the preceese moment, that I myself was a soldier, and +liable, when the hour of danger threatened, to be called out, in marching- +order, to the field of battle. But by this time the pistols were in the +hands of the two infatuated young men, Mr Bloatsheet, as fierce as a +hussar dragoon, and Magneezhy as supple in the knees as if he was all on +oiled hinges; so the next consideration was to get well out of the way, +the lookers-on running nearly as great a chance of being shot as the +principals, they not being accustomed, like me for instance, to the use +of arms; on which account, I scougged myself behind a big pear-tree; both +being to fire when Blister gave the word "Off!" + +I had scarcely jouked into my hidy-hole, when "crack--crack" played the +pistols like lightning; and as soon as I got my cowl taken from my eyes, +and looked about, woes me! I saw Magneezhy clap his hand to his brow, +wheel round like a peerie, or a sheep seized with the sturdie, and then +play flap down on his broadside, breaking the necks of half-a-dozen +cabbage-stocks--three of which were afterwards clean lost, as we could +not put them all into the pot at one time. The whole of us ran forward, +but foremost was Bloatsheet, who seizing Magneezhy by the hand, cried, +with a mournful face, "I hope you forgive me? Only say this as long as +you have breath; for I am off to Leith harbour in half a minute." + +The blood was running over poor Magneezhy's eyes, and drib-dribbling from +the neb of his nose, so he was truly in a pitiful state; but he said with +more strength than I thought he could have mustered,--"Yes, yes, fly for +your life. I am dying without much pain--fly for your life, for I am a +gone man!" + +Bloatsheet bounced through the kail-yard like a maukin, clamb over the +bit wall, and off like mad; while Blister was feeling Magneezhy's pulse +with one hand, and looking at his doctor's watch, which he had in the +other. "Do ye think that the poor lad will live, doctor?" said I to him. + +He gave his head a wise shake, and only observed, "I dare say, it will be +a hanging business among us. In what direction do you think, Mansie, we +should all take flight?" + +But I answered bravely, "Flee them that will, I'se flee nane. If I am +taken prisoner, the town-officers maun haul me from my own house; but, +nevertheless, I trust the visibility of my innocence will be as plain as +a pikestaff to the eyes of the Fifteen!" + +"What, then, Mansie, will we do with poor Magneezhy? Give us your advice +in need." + +"Let us carry him down to my own bed," answered I; "I would not desert a +fellow-creature in his dying hour! Help me down with him, and then flee +the country as fast as you are able!" + +We immediately proceeded, and lifted the poor lad, who had now dwalmed +away, upon our wife's hand-barrow--Blister taking the feet, and me the +oxters, whereby I got my waistcoat all japanned with blood; so, when we +got him laid right, we proceeded to carry him between us down the close, +just as if he had been a sticked sheep, and in at the back door, which +cost us some trouble, being narrow, and the barrow getting jammed in; +but, at long and last, we got him streeked out above the blankets, having +previously shooken Benjie, and wakened him out of his morning's nap. + +All this being accomplished and got over, Blister decamped, leaving me my +leeful lane, excepting Benjie, who was next to nobody, in the house with +the dying man. What a frightful face he had, all smeared over with blood +and powder--and I really jealoused, that if he died in that room it would +be haunted for evermair, he being in a manner a murdered man; so that, +even should I be acquitted of art and part, his ghost might still come to +bother us, making our house a hell upon earth, and frighting us out of +our seven senses. But in the midst of my dreadful surmises, when all was +still, so that you might have heard a pin fall, a knock-knock-knock, came +to the door, on which, recovering my senses, I dreaded first that it was +the death-chap, and syne that the affair had got wind, and that it was +the beagles come in search of me; so I kissed little Benjie, who was +sitting on his creepie, blubbering and greeting for his parritch, while a +tear stood in my own eye as I went forward to lift the sneck to let the +officers, as I thought, harrie our house, by carrying off me, its master; +but it was, thank Heaven, only Tammie Bodkin, coming in whistling to his +work, with some measuring papers hanging round his neck. + +"Ah, Tammie," said I to him, my heart warming at a kent face, and making +the laddie, although my bounden servant by a regular indenture of five +years, a friend in my need, "come in, my man. I fear yell hae to take +charge of the business for some time to come; mind what I tell'd ye about +the shaping and the cutting, and no making the goose ower warm; as I +doubt I am about to be harled away to the tolbooth." + +Tammie's heart swelled to his mouth. "Ah, maister," he said, "ye're +joking. What should ye have done that ye should be ta'en to sic an ill +place?" + +"Ay, Tammie, lad," answered I, "it is but ower true." + +"Weel, weel," quo' Tammie--I really thought it a great deal of the +laddie--"weel, weel, they canna prevent me coming to sew beside ye; and +if I can take the measure of customers without, ye can cut the claith +within. But what is't for, maister?" + +"Come in here," said I to him, "and believe your ain een, Tammie, my +man." + +"Losh me!" cried the poor laddie, glowring at the bloody face of the man +in the bed, and starting back on his tip-toes. "Ay--ay--ay! maister; +save us, maister; ay--ay--ay--you have na cloured his harnpan with the +guse? Ay, maister, maister! whaten an unearthly sight!! I doubt they'll +hang us a'; you for doing't--and me on suspicion--and Benjie as art and +part, puir thing! But I'll rin for a doctor. Will I, maister?" + +The thought had never struck me before, being in a sort of a manner dung +stupid; but catching up the word, I said with all my pith and birr, "Rin, +rin, Tammie, rin for life and death!" + +Tammie bolted like a nine-year-old, never looking behind his tail; so, in +less than ten minutes, he returned, hauling along old Doctor Peelbox, +whom he had waukened out of his bed, in a camblet morning-gown, and a +pair of red slippers, by the lug and horn, at the very time I was trying +to quiet young Benjie, who was following me up and down the house, as I +was pacing to and fro in distraction, girning and whingeing for his +breakfast. + +"Bad business, bad business; bless us, what is this?" said the old +Doctor, who was near-sighted, staring at Magneezhy's bloody face through +his silver spectacles--"what's the matter?" + +The poor patient knew at once his master's tongue, and lifting up one of +his eyes, the other being stiff and barkened down said in a melancholy +voice, "Ah, master, do you think I'll get better?" + +Doctor Peelbox, old man as he was, started back as if he had been a +French dancing-master, or had stramped on a hot bar of iron. "Tom, Tom, +is this you? what, in the name of wonder, has done this?" Then feeling +his wrist--"but your pulse is quite good. Have you fallen, boy? Where +is the blood coming from?" + +"Somewhere about the hairy scalp," answered Magneezhy, in their own queer +sort of lingo. "I doubt some artery's cut through!" + +The Doctor immediately bade him lie quiet and hush, as he was getting a +needle and silken thread ready to sew it up; ordering me to have a basin +and water ready, to wash the poor lad's physog. I did so as hard as I +was able, though I was not sure about the blood just; old Doctor Peelbox +watching over my shoulder with a lighted penny candle in one hand, and +the needle and thread in the other, to see where the blood spouted from. +But we were as daft as wise; so he bade me take my big shears, and cut +out all the hair on the fore part of the head as bare as my loof; and +syne we washed, and better washed; so Magneezhy got the other eye up, +when the barkened blood was loosed; looking, though as pale as a clean +shirt, more frighted than hurt; until it became plain to us all, first to +the Doctor, syne to me, and syne to Tammie Bodkin, and last of all to +Magneezhy himself, that his skin was not so much as peeled. So we helped +him out of the bed, and blithe was I to see the lad standing on the +floor, without a hold, on his own feet. + +I did my best to clean his neckcloth and shirt of the blood, making him +look as decentish as possible, considering circumstances; and lending +him, as the scripture commands, my tartan mantle to hide the infirmity of +his bloody trowsers and waistcoat. Home went he and his master together; +me standing at our close mouth, wishing them a good-morning, and blithe +to see their backs. Indeed, a condemned thief with the rope about his +neck, and the white cowl tied over his eyes, to say nothing of his hands +yerked together behind his back, and on the nick of being thrown over, +could not have been more thankful for a reprieve than I was, at the same +blessed moment. It was like Adam seeing the deil's rear marching out of +Paradise, if one may be allowed to think such a thing. + +The whole business, tag-rag and bob-tail, soon, however, spunked out, and +was the town talk for more than one day--But you'll hear. + +At the first I pitied the poor lads, that I thought had fled for ever and +aye from their native country, to Bengal, Seringapatam, Copenhagen, +Botany Bay, or Jamaica, leaving behind them all their friends and old +Scotland, as they might never hear of the goodness of Providence in their +behalf. But wait a wee. + +Would you believe it? As sure's death, the whole was but a wicked trick +played by that mischievous loon Blister and his cronies, upon one that +was a simple and soft-headed callant. De'il a hait was in the one pistol +but a pluff of powder; and in the other, a cartridge-paper, full of +blood, was rammed down upon the charge; the which, hitting Magneezhy on +the ee-bree, had caused a business that seemed to have put him out of +life, and nearly put me (though one of the volunteers) out of my seven +senses. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII.--MY FIRST AND LAST PLAY. + + + _Pla_. I' faith + I like the audience that frequenteth there + With much applause: a man shall not be chokt + With the stench of garlick, nor be pasted firm + To the barmy jacket of a beer-brewer. + _Bra_. 'Tis a good gentle audience, and I hope + The boys will come one day in great request. + + _Jack Drum's Entertainment_. 1601. + + Out cam the gudeman, and laigh he louted; + Out cam the gudewife, and heigh she shouted; + And a the toun-neibours gather'd about it; + And there he lay, I trow. + + _The Cauldrife Wooer_. + +The time of Tammie Bodkin's apprenticeship being nearly worn through, it +behoved me, as a man attentive to business, and the interests of my +family, to cast my eyes around me in search of a callant to fill his +place; as it is customary in our trade for young men, when their time is +out, taking a year's journeymanship in Edinburgh, to perfect them in the +more intricate branches of the business, and learn the newest manner of +the French and London fashions, by cutting cloth for the young advocates, +the college students, the banking-house clerks, the half-pay ensigns, and +the rest of the principal tip-top bucks. + +Having, though I say it myself, the word of being a canny maister, more +than one brought their callants to me, on reading the bill of "An +apprentice wanted," pasted on my shop-window. + +Offering to bind them for the regular time, yet not wishing to take but +one, I thought best not to fix in a hurry, and make choice of him that +seemed more exactly cut out for my purpose. In the course of a few weeks +three or four cast up, among whom was a laddie of Ben Aits the +mealmonger, and a son of William Burlings the baker; to say little of the +callant of Saunders Broom the sweep, that would fain have put his blackit- +looking bit creature with the one eye and the wooden leg under my wing; +but I aye looked to respectability in these matters; so glad was I when I +got the offer of Mungo Glen.--But more of this in half a minute. + +I must say I was glad of any feasible excuse to make to the sweep, to get +quit of him and his laddie, the father being a drucken ne'er-do weel, +that I wonder did not fall long ere this time of day from some chimney- +head, and get his neck broken. So I told him at long and last, when he +came papping into my shop, plaguing me every time he passed, that I had +fitted myself; and that there would be no need of his taking the trouble +to call again. Upon which he gave his blacked nieve a desperate thump on +the counter, making the observation, that out of respect for him I might +have given his son the preference. Though I was a wee puzzled for an +answer, I said to him for want of a better, that having a timber leg, he +could not well creuk his hough to the shop-board for our trade. + +"Hout, touts," said Saunders, giving his lips a smack--"Creuk his hough, +ye body you! Do you think his timber leg canna screw off?--That'll no +pass." + +I was a little dumfoundered at this cleverness. So I said, more on my +guard--"True, true, Saunders, but he's ower little." + +"Ower little, and be hanged to ye!" cried the disrespectful follow, +wheeling about on his heel, as he grasped the sneck of the shop-door, and +gave a girn that showed the only clean parts of his body--to wit the +whites of his eyes, and his sharp teeth:--"Ower little!--Pu, pu!--He's +like the blackamoor's pig, then, Maister Wauch--he's like the +blackamoor's pig--he may be ver' leetle, but he be tam ould;" and with +this he showed his back, clapping the door at his tail without wishing a +good-day; and I am scarcely sorry when I confess, that I never cut cloth +for either father or son from that hour to this one, the losing of such a +customer being no great matter at best, and almost clear gain compared +with saddling myself with a callant with only one eye and one leg; the +one having fallen a victim to the dregs of the measles, and the other +having been harled off by a farmer's threshing-mill. However, I got +myself properly suited;--but ye shall hear. + +Our neighbour Mrs Grassie, a widow woman, unco intimate with our wife, +and very attentive to Benjie when he had the chin-cough, had a far-away +cousin of the name of Glen, that held out among the howes of the +Lammermoor hills--a distant part of the country, ye observe. Auld Glen, +a decent-looking body of a creature, had come in with his sheltie about +some private matters of business--such as the buying of a horse, or +something to that effect, where he could best fall in with it, either at +our fair, or the Grassmarket, or such like; so he had uppitting, free of +expense, from Mrs Grassie, on account of his relationship; Glen being +second cousin to Mrs Grassie's brother's wife, which is deceased. I +might, indeed, have mentioned, that our neighbour herself had been twice +married, and had the misery of seeing out both her gudemen; but such was +the will of fate, and she bore up with perfect resignation. + +Having made a bit warm dinner ready, for she was a tidy body, and knew +what was what, she thought she could not do better than ask in a +reputable neighbour to help her friend to eat it, and take a cheerer with +him; as, maybe, being a stranger here, he would not like to use the +freedom of drinking by himself--a custom which is at the best an unsocial +one--especially with none but women-folk near him; so she did me the +honour to make choice of me--though I say it, who should not say it;--and +when we got our jug filled for the second time, and began to grow better +acquainted, ye would really wonder to see how we became merry, and +cracked away just like two pen-guns. I asked him, ye see, about sheep +and cows, and corn and hay, and ploughing and threshing, and horses and +carts, and fallow land, and lambing-time, and har'st, and making cheese +and butter, and selling eggs, and curing the sturdie, and the snifters, +and the batts, and such like;--and he, in his turn, made enquiry +regarding broad and narrow cloth, Kilmarnock cowls, worsted comforters, +Shetland hose, mittens, leather-caps, stuffing and padding, metal and +mule buttons, thorls, pocket-linings, serge, twist, buckram, shaping and +sewing, back-splaying, cloth-runds, goosing the labroad, botkins, black +thread, patent shears, measuring, and all the other particulars belonging +to our trade, which he said, at long and last after we had joked +together, was a power better one than the farming line. + +"Ye should make your son ane, then," said I, "if ye think so. Have ye +any bairns?" + +"Ye've hit the nail on the head.--'Od, man, if ye wasna so far away, I +would bind our auldest callant to yoursell, I'm sae weel pleased wi' your +gentlemanly manners. But I'm speaking havers." + +"Havers here or havers there, what," said I, "is to prevent ye boarding +him, at a cheap rate, either with our friend Mrs Grassie, or with the +wife? Either of the two would be a sort of mother to him." + +"'Deed I daur say would they," answered Maister Glen, stroking his chin, +which was gey rough, and had not got a clean since Sunday, having had +four days of sheer growth--our meeting, you will observe by this, being +on the Thursday afternoon--"'Deed would they.--'Od, I maun speak to the +mistress about it." + +On the head of this we had another jug, three being cannie, after which +we were both a wee tozy-mozy; and I daresay Mrs Grassie saw plainly that +we were getting into a state where we would not easily make a halt; so, +without letting on, she brought in the tea-things before us, and showed +us a playbill, to tell us that a company of strolling playactors had come +in a body in the morning, with a whole cartful of scenery and grand +dresses; and were to make an exhibition at seven o'clock, at the ransom +of a shilling a-head, in Laird Wheatley's barn. + +Many a time and often had I heard of playacting; and of players making +themselves kings and queens, and saying a great many wonderful things; +but I had never before an opportunity of making myself a witness to the +truth of these hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as full of nonsense, and +as fain to have his curiosity gratified as myself, we took upon us the +stout resolution to go out together, he offering to treat me; and I +determined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's rebuke, for +the transgression, hoping it would make no lasting impression on his +mind, being for the first and only time. Folks should not on all +occasions be over scrupulous. + +After paying our money at the door, never, while I live and breathe, will +I forget what we saw and heard that night; it just looks to me, by all +the world, when I think on it, like a fairy dream. The place was crowded +to the full; Maister Glen and me having nearly got our ribs dung in +before we found a seat, the folks behind being obliged to mount the back +benches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us was a large green +curtain, some five or six ells wide, a good deal the worse of the wear, +having seen service through two-three summers; and, just in the front of +it, were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the +ground, to let us see the players' feet like, when they came on the +stage--and even before they came on the stage--for the curtain being +scrimpit in length, we saw legs and sandals moving behind the scenes very +neatly; while two blind fiddlers they had brought with them played the +bonniest ye ever heard. 'Od, the very music was worth a sixpence of +itself. + +The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess; so that one +could scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw any part so crowded, not +even at a tent preaching, when the Rev. Mr Roarer was giving his +discourses on the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to +have the windows opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as +close as a baker's oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces with +our hats, to keep us cool; and, though all were half stewed, we certainly +had the worst of it, the toddy we had taken having fermented the blood of +our bodies into a perfect fever. + +Just at the time that the two blind fiddlers were playing the Downfall of +Paris, a handbell rang, and up goes the green curtain; being hauled to +the ceiling, as I observed with the tail of my eye, by a birkie at the +side, that had hold of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and all +becoming as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a +decent old gentleman at his leisure, well powdered, with an old-fashioned +coat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown breeches with buckles at the +knees, and silk stockings with red gushats on a blue ground. I never saw +a man in such distress; he stamped about, and better stamped about, +dadding the end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers +of heaven and earth to help him to find out his runaway daughter, that +had decamped with some ne'er-do-weel loon of a half-pay captain, that +keppit her in his arms from her bedroom-window, up two pair of stairs. + +Every father and head of a family must have felt for a man in his +situation, thus to be robbed of his dear bairn, and an only daughter too, +as he told us over and over again, as the salt, salt tears ran gushing +down his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered +pocket-napkin. But, ye know, the thing was absurd to suppose that we +should know any inkling about the matter, having never seen him or his +daughter between the een before, and not kenning them by headmark; so, +though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do with a +fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to hold our tongues, to +see what might cast up better than he expected. So out he went stumping +at the other side, determined, he said, to find them out, though he +should follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or something +to that effect. + +Hardly was his back turned, and almost before ye could cry Jack Robison, +in comes the birkie and the very young lady the old gentleman described, +arm-and-arm together, smoodging and laughing like daft. Dog on it! it +was a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before all the +crowd of folk, he put his arm round her waist, and called her his +sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and every thing that is +fine. If they had been courting in a close together on a Friday night, +they could not have said more to one another, or gone greater lengths. I +thought such shame to be an eyewitness to sic ongoings, that I was +obliged at last to hold up my hat before my face, and look down; though, +for all that, the young lad, to be such a blackguard as his conduct +showed, was well enough faured, and had a good coat to his back, with +double gilt buttons and fashionable lapells, to say little of a very well- +made pair of buckskins, a thought the worse of the wear to be sure, but +which, if they had been well cleaned, would have looked almost as good as +new. How they had come we never could learn, as we neither saw chaise +nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is more than likely +that they had lighted at the back-door of the barn from a horse, she +riding on a pad behind him, maybe, with her hand round his waist. + +The father looked to be a rich old bool, both from his manner of +speaking, and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of his +daughter; but to be sure, when so many of us were present that had an +equal right to the spuilzie, it would not be a great deal a thousand +pounds, when divided, still it was worth the looking after; so we just +bidit a wee. + +Things were brought to a bearing, howsoever, sooner than either +themselves, I daresay, or anybody else present, seemed to have the least +glimpse of; for, just in the middle of their fine goings-on, the sound of +a coming foot was heard, and the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out, +"Hide me, hide me, for the sake of goodness, for yonder comes my old +father!" + +No sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet; and, after +shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to be +asleep in the twinkling of a walking-stick. The old father came bouncing +in, and seeing the fellow as sound as a top, he ran forward and gave him +such a shake as if he would have shooken him all sundry; which soon made +him open his eyes as fast as he had steeked them. After blackguarding +the chield at no allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale, and +calling him every name but a gentleman, he held his staff over his crown, +and gripping him by the cuff of the neck, asked him, in a fierce tone, +what he had made of his daughter. Never since I was born did I ever see +such brazenfaced impudence! The rascal had the brass to say at once, +that he had not seen word or wittens of the lassie for a month, though +more than a hundred folk sitting in his company had beheld him dauting +her with his arm round her jimpy waist, not five minutes before. As a +man, as a father, as an elder of our kirk, my corruption was raised, for +I aye hated lying as a poor cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the ten +commandments; and I found my neighbour, Mr Glen, fidgeting on the seat as +well as me; so I thought, that whoever spoke first would have the best +right to be entitled to the reward; whereupon, just as he was in the act +of rising up, I took the word out of his mouth, saying, "Dinna believe +him, auld gentleman--dinna believe him, friend; he's telling a parcel of +lees. Never saw her for a month! It's no worth arguing, or calling +witnesses; just open that press-door, and ye'll see whether I'm speaking +truth or not!" + +The old man stared, and looked dumfoundered; and the young one, instead +of running forward with his double nieves to strike me, the only thing I +was feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had done him a good turn. But +never since I had a being, did I ever witness such an uproar and noise as +immediately took place. The whole house was so glad that the scoundrel +had been exposed, that they set up siccan a roar of laughter, and thumped +away at siccan a rate at the boards with their feet, that at long and +last, with pushing and fidgeting, clapping their hands, and holding their +sides, down fell the place they call the gallery; all the folk in't being +hurl'd topsy-turvy, head foremost among the saw-dust on the floor below; +their guffawing soon being turned to howling, each one crying louder than +another at the top note of their voices, "Murder! murder! hold off me; +murder! my ribs are in; murder! I'm killed--I'm speechless!" and other +lamentations to that effect; so that a rush to the door took place, in +the which every thing was overturned--the doorkeeper being wheeled away +like wildfire--the furms stramped to pieces--the lights knocked out--and +the two blind fiddlers dung head foremost over the stage, the bass fiddle +cracking like thunder at every bruise. Such tearing, and swearing, and +tumbling, and squealing, was never witnessed in the memory of man since +the building of Babel: legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, +eyes knocked out, and lives lost--there being only one door, and that a +small one; so that, when we had been carried off our feet that length, my +wind was fairly gone, and a sick dwalm came over me, lights of all manner +of colours, red, blue, green, and orange, dancing before me, that +entirely deprived me of common sense; till, on opening my eyes in the +dark, I found myself leaning with my broadside against the wall on the +opposite side of the close. It was some time before I minded what had +happened; so, dreading skaith, I found first the one arm, and then the +other, to see if they were broken--syne my head--and finally both of my +legs; but all, as well as I could discover, was skin-whole and +scart-free. On perceiving this, my joy was without bounds, having a +great notion that I had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my +hand, very thankfully, to take out my pocket-napkin, to give my brow a +wipe, when lo, and behold! the tail of my Sunday's coat was fairly off +and away, docked by the hainch buttons. + +So much for plays and playactors--the first and last, I trust in grace, +that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect no better, after the +warning that Maister Wiggie had more than once given us from the pulpit +on the subject. Instead, therefore, of getting my grand reward for +finding the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, no better than a +set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very night a moonlight +flitting, and Johnny Hammer, honest man, that had wrought from sunrise to +sunset for two days, fitting up their place by contract, instead of being +well paid for his trouble, as he deserved, got nothing left him but a +ruckle of his own good deals, all dung to shivers. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII.--THE BARLEY-FEVER--AND REBUKE. + + + Sages their solemn een may steek, + And raise a philosophic reek, + And, physically, causes seek, + In clime and season; + But tell me _Whisky's_ name in Greek, + I'll tell the reason. + + BURNS. + +On the morning after the business of the playhouse had happened, I had to +take my breakfast in my bed, a thing very uncommon to me, being generally +up by cock-craw, except on Sunday mornings whiles, when each one, +according to the bidding of the Fourth Commandment, has a license to do +as he likes; having a desperate sore head, and a squeamishness at the +stomach, occasioned, I jealouse in a great measure, from what Mr Glen and +me had discussed at Widow Grassie's, in the shape of warm toddy, over our +cracks concerning what is called the agricultural and manufacturing +interests. So our wife, poor body, put a thimbleful of brandy, Thomas +Mixem's real, into my first cup of tea, which had a wonderful virtue in +putting all things to rights; so that I was up and had shaped a pair of +lady's corsets, an article in which I sometimes dealt, before ten +o'clock, though, the morning being rather cold, I did not dispense with +my Kilmarnock. + +At eleven in the forenoon, or thereabouts, maybe five minutes before or +after, but no matter, in comes my crony Maister Glen, rather dazed-like +about the een; and with a large piece of white sticking-plaister, about +half a nail wide, across one of his cheeks, and over the bridge of his +nose; giving him a wauf, outlandish, and rather blackguard sort of +appearance; so that I was a thought uneasy at what neighbours might +surmise concerning our intimacy; but the honest man accounted for the +thing in a very feasible manner, from the falling down on that side of +his head of one of the brass candlesticks, while he was lying on his +broadside before one of the furms in the stramash. + +His purpose of calling was to tell me, that he could not leave the town +without looking in upon me to bid me farewell; more betoken, as he +intended sending in his son Mungo by the carrier for trial, to see how +the line of life pleased him, and how I thought he would answer--a thing +which I was glad came from his side of the house, being likely to be in +the upshot the best for both parties. Yet I thought he would find our +way of doing so canny and comfortable, that it was not very likely he +could ever start objections; and I must confess, that I looked forward +with no small degree of pride, seeing the probability of my soon having +the son of a Lammermoor farmer sitting crosslegged, cheek for jowl with +me on the board, and bound to serve me at all lawful times, by night and +day, by a regular indenture of five years. Maister Glen insisted on the +laddie having a three months' trial; and then, after a trifling show of +standing out, just to make him aware that I could be elsewhere fitted if +I had a mind, I agreed that the request was reasonable, and that I had no +earthly objections to conforming with it. So, after giving him his +meridian and a bite of shortbread, we shook hands, and parted in the +understanding that his son would arrive on the top of limping Jamie the +carrier's cart, in the course, say, of a fortnight. + +Through the whole of the forepart of the day, I remained rather queerish, +as if something was working about my inwards, and a droll pain between my +eyes. The wife saw the case I was in, and advised me, for the sake of +the fresh air, to take a step into the bit garden, and try a hand at the +spade, the smell of the new earth being likely to operate as a cordial; +but no--it would not do; and when I came in at one o'clock to my dinner, +the steam of the fresh broth, instead of making me feel, as usual, as +hungry as a hawk, was like to turn my stomach, while the sight of the +sheep's head, one of the primest ones I had seen the whole season, +looked, by all the world, like the head of a boiled blackamoor, and made +me as sick as a dog; so I could do nothing but take a turn out again, and +swig away at the small beer, that never seemed able to slocken my drouth. +At long and last, I minded having heard Andrew Redbeak, the +excise-officer, say, that nothing ever put him right after a debosh +except something they call a bottle of soda-water; so my wife dispatched +Benjie to the place where we knew it could be found, and he returned in a +jiffie with a thing like a blacking-bottle below his daidly, as he was +bidden. There being a wire over the cork for some purpose or other, or +maybe just to look neat, we had some fight to get it torn away, but at +last we succeeded. I had turned about for a jug, and the wife was +rummaging for the screw, while Benjie was fiddling away with his fingers +at the cork--Save us! all at once it gave a thud like thunder, driving +the cork over poor Benjie's head, while it squirted there-up in his eyes +like a fire-engine, and I had only just time to throw down the jug, and +up with the bottle to my mouth. Luckily, for the sixpence it cost, there +was a drop left, which tasted, by all the world, just like brisk dish- +washings; but for all that, it had a wonderful power of setting me to +rights; and my noddle in a while began to clear up, like a March-day +after a heavy shower. + +I mind very well too, on the afternoon of the dividual same day, that my +door-neighbour, Thomas Burlings, popped in; and, in our two-handed crack +over the counter, after asking me in a dry, curious way, if I had come by +no skaith in the business of the play, he said, the thing had now spread +far and wide, and was making a great noise in the world. I thought the +body a wee sharp in his observes; so I pretended to take it quite +lightly, proceeding in my shaping-out a pair of buckskin breeches, which +I was making for one of the Duke's huntsmen; so seeing he was off the +scent, he said in a more jocose way-- + +"Well, speaking about buckskins, I'll tell ye a good story about that." + +"Let us hear't," said I; for I was in that sort of queerish way, that I +did not care much about being very busy. + +"Ye'se get it as I heard it," quo' Thomas; "and it's no less worth +telling, that it bears a good moral application in its tail; after the +same fashion that a blister does good by sucking away the vicious humours +of the body, thereby making the very pain it gives precious." And +here--though maybe it was just my thought--the body stroked his chin, and +gave me a kind of half gley, as much as saying, "take that to ye, +neighbour." But I deserved it all, and could not take it ill off his +hand; being, like myself, one of the elders of our kirk, and an honest +enough, precise-speaking man. + +"Ye see, ye ken," said Thomas, "that the Breadalbane Fencibles, a wheen +Highland birkies, were put into camp at Fisherrow links, maybe for the +benefit of their douking, on account of the fiddle {120}--or maybe in +case the French should land at the water-mouth--or maybe to give the +regiment the benefit of the sea air--or maybe to make their bare houghs +hardier, for it was the winter time, frost and snaw being as plenty as ye +like, and no sae scarce as pantaloons among the core--or for some ither +reason, guid, bad, or indifferent, which disna muckle matter; but ye see +the lang and the short o' the story is, that there they were encamped, +man and mother's son of them, going through their dreels by day, and +sleeping by night--the privates in their tents, and the offishers in +their marquees, living in the course of nature on their usual rations of +beef, and tammies, and so on. So, ye understand me, there was nae such +smart ordering of things in the army in those days, the men not having +the beef served out to them by a butcher, supplying each company or +companies by a written contract, drawn up between him and the paymaster +before 'sponsible witnesses; but ilka ane bringing what pleased him, +either tripe, trotters, steaks, cow's-cheek, pluck, hough, spar-rib, +jigget, or so forth." + +"'Od!" said I, "Thomas, ye crack like a minister. Where did ye happen to +pick up all that knowledge?" + +"Where should I have got it, but from an auld half-pay sergeant-major, +that lived in our spare room, and had been out in the American war, +having seen a power of service, and been twice wounded, once in the aff- +cuit, and the other time in the cuff of the neck." + +"I thought as muckle," said I--"Weel, say on, man, it's unco +entertaining." + +"Weel," continued he, "let me see where I was at when ye stoppit me; for +maybe I'll hae to begin at the beginning again. For gif ye yinterrupt +me, or edge in a word, or put me out by asking questions, I lose the +thread of my discourse, and canna proceed." + +"Ou, let me see," said I, "ye was about the contract concerning the +beef." + +"Preceesely," quo' Thomas, stretching out his fore-finger--"ye've said it +to a hair. At that time, as I was observing, the butcher didna supply a +company or companies, according to the terms of a contract, drawn up +before 'sponsible witnesses, between him and the paymaster; but the +soldiers got beef-money along with their pay; with which said money, +given them, ye observe, for said purpose, they were bound and obligated, +in terms of the statute, to buy, purchase, and provide the said beef, +twice a-week or oftener, as it might happen; an orderly offisher making +inspection of the camp-kettles regularly every forenoon, at one o'clock +or thereabouts. + +"So, as ye'll pay attention to observe, there was a private in Captain +M'Tavish's company, the second to the left of the centre, of the name of +Duncan MacAlpine, a wee, hardy, blackaviced, in-knee'd creature, +remarkable for nothing that ever I heard tell of, except being reported +to have shotten a gauger in Badenough, or thereabouts; and for having a +desperate red nose, the effects, ye observe, of drinking spirituous +liquors; ye observe, I daur say, what I am saying--the effects of +drinking malt speerits. + +"Weel, week after week passed over, and better passed over, and Duncan +played aff his tricks, like anither Herman Boaz, the slight-o'-hand +juggler, him that's suspeckit to be in league and paction with the de'il. +But ye'll hear." + +"'Od, it's diverting, Thomas," said I to him; "gang on, man." + +"Weel, ye see, as I was observing--Let me see, where was I at?--Ou ay, +having a paction with the de'il. So, when all were watching beside the +camp-kettles, some stirring them with spurtles, or parritch-sticks, or +forks, or whatever was necessary, the orderly offisher made a point and +practice of regularly coming by, about the chap of one past meridian, as +I observed to ye before, to make inspection of what ilka ane had wared +his pay on, and what he had got simmering in the het water for his +dinner. + +"So, on the day concerning which I am about to speak, it fell out, as +usual, that he happened to be making his rounds, halting a moment, or twa +maybe, before ilka pot; the man that had the charge thereof, by the way +of stirring like, clapping down his lang fork, and bringing up the piece +of meat, or whatever he happened to be making kail of, to let the +inspector see whether it was lamb, pork, beef, mutton, or veal. For, ye +observe," continued Thomas, giving me, as I took it to myself, another +queer side-look, "the purpose of the offisher making the inspection, was +to see that they laid out their pay-money conform to military regulation; +and not to fyling their stamicks, and ruining baith sowl and body, by +throwing it away on whisky--as but ower mony, that aiblins should have +kenned better, have dune but too often." + +"'Tis but ower true," said I till him; "but the best will fa' intil a +faut sometimes. We have a' our failings, Thomas." + +"Just so," answered Thomas; "but where was I at?--Ou, about the whisky. +Weel, speaking about the whisky, ye see the offisher, Lovetenant Todrick +I b'lief they called him, had made an observe about Duncan's kettle; so, +when he came to him, Duncan was sitting in the lown side of a dyke, with +his red nose, and a pipe in his cheek, on a big stane, glowring frae him +anither way; and, as I was saying, when he came to him he said, + +"'Weel, Duncan MacAlpine, what have ye in your kettle the day, man?' + +"And Duncan, rinning down his lang fork, answered in his ain Highland +brogue way--'Please your honours, just my auld favourite, tripe.' + +"''Deed, Duncan,' said Lovetenant Todrick, or whatever they caa'd him, +'it is an auld favourite surely, for I have never seen ye have onything +else for your dinner, man.' + +"'Every man to his taste, please your honour,' answered Duncan MacAlpine; +'let ilka ane please her nain sell,'--hauling up a screed half a yard +lang. 'Ilka man to his taste, please your honour, Lovetenant Todrick.'" + +"'Od, man," said I to him, "'Od, man, ye're a deacon at telling a story. +Ye're a queer hand. Weel, what came next?" + +"What think ye should come next?" quo' Thomas drily. + +"I'm sure I dinna ken," answered I. + +"Weel," said he, "I'll tell--but where was I at?" + +"Ou, at the observe of Lovetenant Todrick, or what they caa'd him, about +the tripe; and the answer of Duncan MacAlpine on that head, 'That ilka +man has his ain taste.'" + +"'Vera true,' said Lovetenant Todrick, 'but lift it out a'thegither on +that dish, till I get my specs on; for never since I was born, did I ever +see before boiled tripe with buttons and button-holes intill't.'" + +At this I set up a loud laughing, which I could not help, though it was +like to split my sides; but Thomas Burlings bade me whisht till I heard +him out. + +"'Buttons and button-holes!' quo' Duncan MacAlpine. 'Look again, wi' yer +specs; for ye're surely wrang, Lovetenant Todrick.' + +"'Buttons and button-holes! and 'deed I am surely right, Duncan,' +answered the Lovetenant Todrick, taking his specs deliberately off the +brig o' his nose, and faulding them thegither, as he put them first into +his shagreen case, and syne into his pocket--'Howsomever, Duncan +MacAlpine, I'll pass ye ower for this time, gif ye take my warning, and +for the future ware your pay-money on wholesome butcher's meat, like a +Christian, and no be trying to delude your ain stamick, and your +offisher's een, by holding up, on a fork, such a heathenish mak-up for a +dish, as the leg of a pair o' buckskin breeches!'" + +"Buckskin breeches!" said I, "and did he really and actually boil siccan +trash to his dinner?" + +"Nae sae far south as that yet, friend," answered Thomas. "Duncan was +not so bowed in the intellect as ye imagine, and had some spice of +cleverality about his queer manoeuvres.--Eat siccan trash to his dinner! +Nae mair, Mansie, than ye intend to eat that iron guse ye're rinning +along that piece claith; but he wanted to make his offishers believe that +his pay gaed the right way: like the Pharisees of old that keepit +praying, in ell-lang faces, about the corners of the streets, and gaed +hame wi' hearts full of wickedness and a' manner of cheatrie." + +"And what way did his pay gang, then?" asked I; "and how did he live?" + +"I telled ye before, frien," answered Thomas, "that he was a deboshed +creature; and, like ower mony in the world, likit weel what didna do him +ony good. It's a wearyfu' thing that whisky. I wish it could be +banished to Botany Bay. + +"It is that," said I. "Muckle and nae little sin does it breed and +produce in this world." + +"I'm glad," quoth Thomas, stroking down his chin in a slee way, "I'm glad +the guilty should see the folly o' their ain ways; it's the first step, +ye ken, till amendment;--and indeed I tell't Maister Wiggie, when he sent +me here, that I could almost become guid for your being mair wary of your +conduct for the future time to come." + +This was like a thunder-clap to me, and I did not know for a jiffie what +to feel, think, or do, more than perceiving that it was a piece of +devilish cruelty on their parts, taking things on this strict. As for +myself, I could freely take sacred oath on the Book, that I had not had a +dram in my head for four months before; the knowledge of which made my +corruption rise like lightning, as a man is aye brave when he is +innocent; so, giving my pow a bit scart, I said briskly, "So ye're after +some session business in this visit, are ye?" + +"Ye've just guessed it," answered Thomas Burlings, sleeking down his +front hair with his fingers in a sober way; "we had a meeting this +forenoon; and it was resolved ye should stand a public rebuke in the +meeting-house on Sunday next." + +"Hang me, if I do!" answered I, thumping my nieve down with all my might +on the counter, and throwing back my cowl behind me into a corner. "No, +man!" added I, snapping with great pith my finger and thumb in Thomas's +eyes, "not for all the ministers and elders that ever were cleckit! They +may do their best; and ye may tell them so, if ye like. I was born a +free man; I live in a free country; I am the subject of a free king and +constitution; and I'll be shot before I submit to such rank, diabolical +papistry." + +"Hooly and fairly," quoth Thomas, staring a wee astonished like, and not +a little surprised to see my birse up in this manner; for, when he +thought upon shearing a lamb, he found he had catched a tartar; so, +calming down as fast as ye like, he said, "Hooly and fairly, Mansie," (or +Maister Wauch, I believe, he did me the honour to call me,) "they'll +maybe no be sae hard as they threaten. But ye ken, my friend, I'm +speaking to ye as a brither; it was an unco-like business for an elder, +not only to gang till a play, which is ane of the deevil's rendevouses, +but to gang there in a state of liquor: making yoursell a world's +wonder--and you an elder of our kirk!! I put the question to yourself +soberly." + +His threatening I could despise, and could have fought, cuffed, and +kicked with all the ministers and elders of the General Assembly, to say +nothing of the Relief Synod and the Burgher Union, before I would have +demeaned myself to yield to what my inward spirit plainly told me to be +rank cruelty and injustice; but ah! his calm, brotherly, flattering way I +could not thole with, and the tears came rapping into my eyes, faster +than it cared my manhood to let be seen; so I said till him, "Weel, weel, +Thomas, I ken I have done wrong; and I am sorry for't: they'll never find +me in siccan a scrape again." + +Thomas Burlings then came forward in a friendly way, and shook hands with +me; telling that he would go back and plead before them in my behalf. He +said this over again, as we parted, at my shop-door; and, to do him +justice, surely he had not been worse than his word, for I have aye +attended the kirk as usual, standing, when it came to my rotation, at the +plate, and nobody, gentle or semple, ever spoke to me on the subject of +the playhouse, or minted the matter of the Rebuke from that day to this. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX.--THE AWFUL NIGHT. + + + Ha!--'twas but a dream; + But then so terrible, it shakes my soul! + Cold drops of sweat hang on my trembling flesh; + My blood grows chilly, and I freeze with horror. + + _Richard the Third_. + + The Fire-king one day rather amorous felt; + He mounted his hot copper filly; + His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt + Was made of cast-iron, for fear it should melt + With the heat of the copper colt's belly. + + Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye, + For two living coals were the symbols; + His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry, + It rattled against them as though you should try + To play the piano on thimbles. + + _Rejected Addresses_. + +In the course of a fortnight from the time I parted with Maister Glen, +the Lauder carrier, limping Jamie, brought his callant to our shop-door +in his hand. He was a tall slender laddie, some fourteen years old, and +sore grown away from his clothes. There was something genty and delicate- +like about him, having a pale sharp face, blue eyes, a nose like a +hawk's, and long yellow hair hanging about his haffets, as if barbers +were unco scarce cattle among the howes of the Lammermoor hills. Having +a general experience of human nature, I saw that I would have something +to do towards bringing him into a state of rational civilization; but, +considering his opportunities, he had been well educated, and I liked his +appearance on the whole not that ill. + +To divert him a while, as I did not intend yoking him to work the first +day, I sent out Benjie with him, after giving him some refreshment of +bread and milk, to let him see the town and all the uncos about it. I +told Benjie first to take him to the auld kirk, which is one wonderful +building, steeple and aisle; and as for mason-work, far before any thing +to be seen or heard tell of in our day; syne to Lugton brig, which is one +grand affair, hanging over the river Esk and the flour-mills like a +rainbow--syne to the Tolbooth, which is a terror to evil-doers, and from +which the Lord preserve us all!--syne to the Market, where ye'll see +lamb, beef, mutton, and veal, hanging up on cleeks, in roasting and +boiling pieces--spar-rib, jigget, shoulder, and heuk-bane, in the +greatest prodigality of abundance;--and syne down to the Duke's gate, by +looking through the bonny white-painted iron-stanchels of which, ye'll +see the deer running beneath the green trees; and the palace itself, in +the inside of which dwells one that needs not be proud to call the king +his cousin. + +Brawly did I know, that it is a little after a laddie's being loosed from +his mother's apron-string, and hurried from home, till the mind can make +itself up to stay among fremit folk; or that the attention can be roused +to any thing said or done, however simple in the uptake. So, after +Benjie brought Mungo home again, gey forfaughten and wearied-out like, I +bade the wife gave him his four-hours, and told him he might go to his +bed as soon as he liked. Jealousing also, at the same time, that +creatures brought up in the country have strange notions about them with +respect to supernaturals--such as ghosts, brownies, fairies, and +bogles--to say nothing of witches, warlocks, and evil-spirits, I made +Benjie take off his clothes and lie down beside him, as I said, to keep +him warm; but, in plain matter of fact, (between friends,) that the +callant might sleep sounder, finding himself in a strange bed, and not +very sure as to how the house stood as to the matter of a good name. + +Knowing by my own common sense, and from long experience of the ways of a +wicked world, that there is nothing like industry, I went to Mungo's +bedside in the morning, and wakened him betimes. Indeed, I'm leeing +there--I need not call it wakening him--for Benjie told me, when he was +supping his parritch out of his luggie at breakfast-time, that he never +winked an eye all night, and that sometimes he heard him greeting to +himself in the dark--such and so powerful is our love of home and the +force of natural affection. Howsoever, as I was saying, I took him ben +the house with me down to the workshop, where I had begun to cut out a +pair of nankeen trowsers for a young lad that was to be married the week +after to a servant-maid of Maister Wiggie's,--a trig quean, that +afterwards made him a good wife, and the father of a numerous small +family. + +Speaking of nankeen, I would advise every one, as a friend, to buy the +Indian, and not the British kind--the expense of outlay being ill hained, +even at sixpence a-yard--the latter not standing the washing, but making +a man's legs, at a distance, look like a yellow yorline. + +It behoved me now as a maister, bent on the improvement of his prentice, +to commence learning Mungo some few of the mysteries of our trade; so +having showed him the way to crock his hough, (example is better than +precept, as James Batter observes,) I taught him the plan of holding the +needle; and having fitted his middle-finger with a bottomless thimble of +our own sort, I set him to sewing the cotton-lining into one leg, knowing +that it was a part not very particular, and not very likely to be seen; +so that the matter was not great, whether the stitching was exactly +regular, or rather in the zigzag line. As is customary with all new +beginners, he made a desperate awkward hand at it, and of which I would +of course have said nothing, but that he chanced to brog his thumb, and +completely soiled the whole piece of work with the stains of blood; +which, for one thing, could not wash out without being seen; and, for +another, was an unlucky omen to happen to a marriage garment. + +Every man should be on his guard: this was a lesson I learned when I was +in the volunteers, at the time Buonaparte was expected to land down at +Dunbar. Luckily for me in this case, I had, by some foolish mistake or +another, made an allowance of a half yard, over and above what I found I +could manage to shape on; so I boldly made up my mind to cut out the +piece altogether, it being in the back seam. In that business I trust I +showed the art of a good tradesman, having managed to do it so neatly +that it could not be noticed without the narrowest inspection; and having +the advantage of a covering by the coat-flaps, had indeed no chance of +being so, except on desperately windy days. + +In the week succeeding that on which this unlucky mischance happened, an +accident almost as bad befell, though not to me, further than that every +one is bound by the Ten Commandments, to say nothing of his own +conscience, to take a part in the afflictions that befall their +door-neighbours. + +When the voice of man was wheisht, and all was sunk in the sound sleep of +midnight, it chanced that I was busy dreaming that I was sitting one of +the spectators, looking at another play-acting piece of business. Before +coming this length, howsoever, I should by right have observed, that ere +going to bed I had eaten for my supper part of a black pudding, and two +sausages, that Widow Grassie had sent in a compliment to my wife, being a +genteel woman, and mindful of her friends--so that I must have had some +sort of nightmare, and not been exactly in my seven senses--else I could +not have been even dreaming of siccan a place. Well, as I was saying, in +the playhouse I thought I was; and all at once I heard Maister Wiggie, +like one crying in the wilderness, hallooing with a loud voice through +the window, bidding me flee from the snares, traps, and gin-nets of the +Evil One; and from the terrors of the wrath to come. I was in a terrible +funk; and just as I was trying to rise from the seat, that seemed somehow +glued to my body, and would not let me, to reach down my hat, which, with +its glazed cover, was hanging on a pin to one side, my face all red, and +glowing like a fiery furnace, for shame of being a second time caught in +deadly sin, I heard the kirk bell jow-jowing, as if it was the last trump +summoning sinners to their long and black account; and Maister Wiggie +thrust in his arm in his desperation, in a whirlwind of passion, +claughting hold of my hand like a vice, to drag me out head-foremost. +Even in my sleep, howsoever, it appears that I like free-will, and ken +that there are no slaves in our blessed country; so I tried with all my +might to pull against him, and gave his arm such a drive back, that he +seemed to bleach over on his side, and raised a hullaballoo of a yell, +that not only wakened me, but made me start upright in my bed. + +For all the world such a scene! My wife was roaring "Murder, +murder!--Mansie Wauch, will ye no wauken?--Murder, murder! ye've felled +me wi' your nieve,--ye've felled me outright,--I'm gone for evermair,--my +haill teeth are doun my throat. Will ye no wauken, Mansie Wauch?--will +ye no wauken?--Murder, murder!--I say murder, murder, murder, murder!!!" + +"Who's murdering us?" cried I, throwing my cowl back on the pillow, and +rubbing my eyes in the hurry of a tremendous fright.--"Who's murdering +us?--where's the robbers?--send for the town-officer!!" + +"O Mansie!--O Mansie!" said Nanse, in a kind of greeting tone, "I daursay +ye've felled me--but no matter, now I've gotten ye roused. Do ye no see +the haill street in a bleeze of flames? Bad is the best; we maun either +be burned to death, or out of house and hall, without a rag to cover our +nakedness. Where's my son?--where's my dear bairn Benjie?" + +In a most awful consternation, I jumped at this out to the middle of the +floor, hearing the causeway all in an uproar of voices; and seeing the +flichtering of the flames glancing on the houses in the opposite side of +the street, all the windows of which were filled with the heads of half- +naked folks, in round-eared mutches or Kilmarnocks; their mouths open, +and their eyes staring with fright; while the sound of the fire-engine, +rattling through the streets like thunder, seemed like the dead-cart of +the plague, come to hurry away the corpses of the deceased for interment +in the kirk-yard. + +Never such a spectacle was witnessed in this world of sin and sorrow +since the creation of Adam. I pulled up the window and looked out--and, +lo and behold! the very next house to our own was all in a low from +cellar to garret; the burning joists hissing and cracking like mad; and +the very wind that blew along, as warm as if it had been out of the mouth +of a baker's oven!! + +It was a most awful spectacle! more by token to me, who was likely to be +intimately concerned with it; and beating my brow with my clenched nieve, +like a distracted creature, I saw that the labour of my whole life was +likely to go for nought, and me to be a ruined man; all the earnings of +my industry being laid out on my stock in trade, and on the plenishing of +our bit house. The darkness of the latter days came over my spirit like +a vision before the prophet Isaiah; and I could see nothing in the years +to come but beggary and starvation; myself a fallen-back old man, with an +out-at-the-elbows coat, a greasy hat, and a bald pow, hirpling over a +staff, requeeshting an awmous--Nanse a broken-hearted beggar wife, torn +down to tatters, and weeping like Rachel when she thought on better +days--and poor wee Benjie going from door to door with a meal-pock on his +back. + +The thought first dung me stupid, and then drove me to desperation; and +not even minding the dear wife of my bosom, that had fainted away as dead +as a herring, I pulled on my trowsers like mad, and rushed out into the +street, bareheaded and barefoot as the day that Lucky Bringthereout +dragged me into the world. + +The crowd saw in the twinkling of an eyeball that I was a desperate man, +fierce as Sir William Wallace, and not to be withstood by gentle or +semple. So most of them made way for me; they that tried to stop me +finding it a bad job, being heeled over from right to left, on the broad +of their backs, like flounders, without respect of age or person; some +old women that were obstrapulous being gey sore hurt, and one of them +with a pain in her hainch even to this day. When I had got almost to the +door-cheek of the burning house, I found one grupping me by the back like +grim death; and, in looking over my shoulder, who was it but Nanse +herself, that, rising up from her faint, had pursued me like a whirlwind. +It was a heavy trial, but my duty to myself in the first place, and to my +neighbours in the second, roused me up to withstand it; so, making a +spend like a greyhound, I left the hindside of my shirt in her grasp, +like Joseph's garment in the nieve of Potiphar's wife, and up the stairs +headforemost among the flames. + +Mercy keep us all! what a sight for mortal man to glowr at with his +living eyes! The bells were tolling amid the dark, like a summons from +above for the parish of Dalkeith to pack off to another world; the drums +were beat-beating as if the French were coming, thousand on thousand, to +kill, slay, and devour every maid and mother's son of us; the fire-engine +pump-pump-pumping like daft, showering the water like rainbows, as if the +windows of heaven were opened, and the days of old Noah come back again; +and the rabble throwing the good furniture over the windows like onion +peelings, where it either felled the folk below, or was dung to a +thousand shivers on the causey. I cried to them, for the love of +goodness, to make search in the beds, in case there might be any weans +there, human life being still more precious than human means; but not a +living soul was seen but a cat, which, being raised and wild with the +din, would on no consideration allow itself to be catched. Jacob Dribble +found that to his cost; for, right or wrong, having a drappie in his +head, he swore like a trooper that he would catch her, and carry her down +beneath his oxter; so forward he weired her into a corner, crouching on +his hunkers. He had much better have let it alone; for it fuffed over +his shoulder like wildfire, and scarting his back all the way down, +jumped like a lamplighter head-foremost through the flames, where, in the +raging and roaring of the devouring element, its pitiful cries were soon +hushed to silence for ever and ever, Amen! + +At long and last, a woman's howl was heard on the street, lamenting, like +Hagar over young Ishmael in the wilderness of Beersheba, and crying that +her old grannie, that was a lameter, and had been bedridden for four +years come the Martinmas following, was burning to a cinder in the fore- +garret. My heart was like to burst within me when I heard this dismal +news, remembering that I myself had once an old mother, that was now in +the mools; so I brushed up the stair like a hatter, and burst open the +door of the fore-garret--for in the hurry I could not find the sneck, and +did not like to stand on ceremony. I could not see my finger before me, +and did not know my right hand from the left, for the smoke; but I groped +round and round, though the reek mostly cut my breath, and made me cough +at no allowance, till at last I catched hold of something cold and +clammy, which I gave a pull, not knowing what it was, but found out to be +the old wife's nose. I cried out as loud as I was able for the poor +creature to hoise herself up into my arms; but, receiving no answer, I +discovered in a moment that she was suffocated, the foul air having gone +down her wrong hause; and, though I had aye a terror at looking at, far +less handling a dead corpse, there was something brave within me at the +moment, my blood being up; so I caught hold of her by the shoulders, and +harling her with all my might out of her bed, got her lifted on my back +heads and thraws, in the manner of a boll of meal, and away as fast as my +legs could carry me. + +There was a providence in this haste; for, ere I was half-way down the +stair, the floor fell with a thud like thunder; and such a combustion of +soot, stour, and sparks arose, as was never seen or heard tell of in the +memory of man since the day that Samson pulled over the pillars in the +house of Dagon, and smoored all the mocking Philistines as flat as +flounders. For the space of a minute I was as blind as a beetle, and was +like to be choked for want of breath; however, as the dust began to clear +up, I saw an open window, and hallooed down to the crowd for the sake of +mercy to bring a ladder, to save the lives of two perishing +fellow-creatures, for now my own was also in imminent jeopardy. They +were long of coming, and I did not know what to do; so thinking that the +old wife, as she had not spoken, was maybe dead already, I was once +determined just to let her drop down upon the street; but I knew that the +so doing would have cracked every bone in her body, and the glory of my +bravery would thus have been worse than lost. I persevered, therefore, +though I was fit to fall down under the dead weight, she not being able +to help herself, and having a deal of beef in her skin for an old woman +of eighty; but I got a lean, by squeezing her a wee between me and the +wall. + +I thought they would never have come, for my shoeless feet were all +bruised, and bleeding from the crunched lime and the splinters of broken +stones; but, at long and last, a ladder was hoisted up, and having +fastened a kinch of ropes beneath her oxters, I let her slide down over +the upper step, by way of a pillyshee, having the satisfaction of seeing +her safely landed in the arms of seven old wives, that were waiting with +a cosey warm blanket below. Having accomplished this grand manoeuvre, +wherein I succeeded in saving the precious life of a woman of eighty, +that had been four long years bedridden, I tripped down the steps myself +like a nine-year-old, and had the pleasure, when the roof fell in, to +know that I for one had done my duty; and that, to the best of my +knowledge, no living creature except the poor cat had perished within the +jaws of the devouring element. + +But, bide a wee; the work was, as yet, only half done. The fire was +still roaring and raging, every puff of wind that blew through the black +firmament, driving the red sparks high into the air, where they died away +like the tail of a comet, or the train of a skyrocket; the joisting +crazing, cracking, and tumbling down; and now and then the bursting cans +playing flee in a hundred flinders from the chimney-heads. One would +have naturally enough thought that our engine could have drowned out a +fire of any kind whatsoever in half a second, scores of folks driving +about with pitcherfuls of water, and scaling half of it on one another +and the causey in their hurry; but, woe's me! it did not play puh on the +red-het stones, that whizzed like iron in a smiddy trough; so, as soon as +it was darkness and smoke in one place, it was fire and fury in another. + +My anxiety was great; seeing that I had done my best for my neighbours, +it behoved me now, in my turn, to try and see what I could do for myself; +so, notwithstanding the remonstrances of my friend James Batter--whom +Nanse, knowing I had bare feet, had sent out to seek me, with a pair of +shoon in his hand; and who, in scratching his head, mostly rugged out +every hair of his wig with sheer vexation--I ran off, and mounted the +ladder a second time, and succeeded, after muckle speeling, in getting +upon the top of the wall; where, having a bucket slung up to me by means +of a rope, I swashed down such showers on the top of the flames, that I +soon did more good, in the space of five minutes, than the engine and the +ten men, that were all in a broth of perspiration with pumping it, did +the whole night over; to say nothing of the multitude of drawers of +water, men, wives, and weans, with their cuddies, leglins, pitchers, +pails, and water-stoups; having the satisfaction, in a short time, to +observe every thing getting as black as the crown of my hat, and the +gable of my own house becoming as cool as a cucumber. + +Being a man of method, and acquainted with business, I could have liked +to have given a finishing stitch to my work before descending the ladder; +but, losh me! sic a whingeing, girning, greeting, and roaring, got up all +of a sudden, as was never seen or heard of since bowed Joseph raised the +meal-mob, and burned Johnnie Wilkes in effigy: and, looking down, I saw +Benjie, the bairn of my own heart, and the callant Glen, my apprentice on +trial, that had both been as sound as tops till this blessed moment, +standing in their nightgowns and their little red cowls, rubbing their +eyes, cowering with cold and fright, and making an awful uproar, crying +on me to come down and not be killed. The voice of Benjie especially +pierced through and through my heart, like a two-edged sword, and I could +on no manner of account suffer myself to bear it any longer, as I +jealoused the bairn would have gone into convulsion fits if I had not +heeded him; so, making a sign to them to be quiet, I came my ways down, +taking hold of one in ilka hand, which must have been a fatherly sight to +the spectators that saw us. After waiting on the crown of the causey for +half an hour, to make sure that the fire was extinguished, and all tight +and right, I saw the crowd scaling, and thought it best to go in too, +carrying the two youngsters along with me. When I began to move off, +however, siccan a cheering of the multitude got up as would have deafened +a cannon; and though I say it myself, who should not say it, they seemed +struck with a sore amazement at my heroic behaviour, following me with +loud cheers even to the threshold of my own door. + +From this folk should condescend to take a lesson, seeing that, though +the world is a bitter bad world, yet that good deeds are not only a +reward to themselves, but call forth the applause of Jew and Gentile; for +the sweet savour of my conduct on this memorable night remained in my +nostrils for goodness knows the length of time, many praising my brave +humanity in public companies and assemblies of the people, such as +strawberry ploys, council meetings, dinner parties, and so forth; and +many in private conversation at their own ingle-cheek, by way of +two-handed crack; in stage-coach confab, and in causey talk in the +forenoon, before going in to take their meridians. Indeed, between +friends, the business proved in the upshot of no small advantage to me, +bringing to me a sowd of strange faces, by way of customers, both gentle +and semple, that I verily believe had not so muckle as ever heard of my +name before, and giving me many a coat to cut, and cloth to shape, that, +but for my gallant behaviour on the fearsome night aforesaid, would +doubtless have been cut, sewed, and shaped by other hands. Indeed, +considering the great noise the thing made in the world, it is no wonder +that every one was anxious to have a garment of wearing apparel made by +the individual same hands that had succeeded, under Providence, in saving +the precious life of an old woman of eighty, that had been bedridden, +some say, four years come Yule, and others, come Martinmas. + +When we got to the ingle-side, and, barring the door, saw that all was +safe, it was now three in the morning; so we thought it by much the best +way of managing, not to think of sleeping any more, but to be on the look- +out--as we aye used to be when walking sentry in the volunteers--in case +the flames should, by ony mischancy accident or other, happen to break +out again. My wife blamed my hardihood muckle, and the rashness with +which I had ventured at once to places where even masons and sclaters +were afraid to put foot on; yet I saw, in the interim, that she looked on +me with a prouder eye--knowing herself the helpmate of one that had +courageously risked his neck, and every bone in his skin, in the cause of +humanity. I saw this as plain as a pikestaff, as, with one of her +kindest looks, she insisted on my putting on a better happing to screen +me from the cold, and on my taking something comfortable inwardly towards +the dispelling of bad consequences. So, after half a minute's stand-out, +by way of refusal like, I agreed to a cupful of het-pint, as I thought it +would be a thing Mungo Glen might never have had the good fortune to have +tasted; and as it might operate by way of a cordial on the callant +Benjie, who kept aye smally, and in a dwining way. No sooner said than +done--and off Nanse brushed in a couple of hurries to make the het-pint. + +After the small beer was put into the pan to boil, we found to our great +mortification, that there were no eggs in the house, and Benjie was sent +out with a candle to the hen-house, to see if any of the hens had laid +since gloaming, and fetch what he could get. In the middle of the mean +time, I was expatiating to Mungo on what taste it would have, and how he +had never seen any thing finer than it would be, when in ran Benjie, all +out of breath, and his face as pale as a dishclout. + +"What's the matter, Benjie, what's the matter?" said I to him rising up +from my chair in a great hurry of a fright--"Has onybody killed ye? or is +the fire broken out again? or has the French landed? or have ye seen a +ghost? or are"-- + +"Eh, crifty!" cried Benjie, coming till his speech, "they're a' aff--cock +and hens and a'--there's naething left but the rotten nest-egg in the +corner!" + +This was an awful dispensation, of which more hereafter. In the midst of +the desolation of the fire--such is the depravity of human nature--some +ne'er-do-weels had taken advantage of my absence to break open the hen- +house door; and our whole stock of poultry, the cock along with our seven +hens--two of them tappit, and one muffed--were carried away bodily, stoop +and roop. + +On this subject, howsoever, I shall say no more in this chapter, but +merely observe in conclusion, that, as to our het-pint, we were obligated +to make the best of a bad bargain, making up with whisky what it wanted +in eggs; though our banquet could not be called altogether a merry one, +the joys of our escape from the horrors of the fire being damped, as it +were by a wet blanket, on account of the nefarious pillaging of our hen- +house. + + + + +CHAPTER XX.--ADVENTURES IN THE SPORTING LINE. + + + A fig for them by law protected, + Liberty's a glorious feast; + Courts for cowards were erected, + Churches built to please the priest. + + _Jolly Beggars_. + + Wi' cauk and keel I'll win your bread, + And spindles and whorles for them wha need, + Whilk is a gentle trade indeed, + To carry the Gaberlunzie on. + I'll bow my leg and crook my knee, + And draw a black clout owre my ee, + A cripple or blind they will ca' me, + While we shall be merry and sing. + + KING JAMES V. + +The situation of me and my family at this time affords an example of the +truth of the old proverb, that "ae evil never comes its lane;" being no +sooner quit of our dread concerning the burning, than we were doomed by +Providence to undergo the disaster of the rookery of our hen-house. I +believe I have mentioned the number of our stock--to wit, a cock and +seven hens, eight in all; but I neglected, on account of their size, or +somehow overlooked, the two bantams, than which two more neat or +curiouser-looking creatures were not to be seen in the whole +country-side. The hennie was quite a conceit of a thing, and laid an egg +not muckle bigger than my thimble; while, for its size, the bit he-ane +was, for spirit in the fechting line, a perfect wee deevil incarnate. + +Most fortunately for my family in this matter, it so happened that, by +paying in half-a-crown a-year, I was a regular member of a society for +prosecuting all whom it might concern, that dabbled with foul fingers in +the sinful and lawless trade of thievery, breaking the eighth commandment +at no allowance, and drawing on their heads not only the passing +punishments of this world, by way of banishment to Botany Bay, or hanging +at the Luckenbooths, but the threatened vengeance of one that will last +for ever and ever. + +Accordingly, putting on my hat about nine o'clock, or thereabouts, when +the breakfast things were removing from the bit table, I poppit out, in +the first and foremost instance, to take a vizzy of the depredation the +flames had made in our neighbourhood. Losh keep us all, what a spectacle +of wreck and ruination! The roof was clean off and away, as if a +thunderbolt from heaven had knocked it down through the two floors, +carrying every thing before it like a perfect whirlwind. Nought were +standing but black, bare walls, a perfect picture of desolation; some +with the bit pictures on nails still hanging up where the rooms were +like; and others with old coats hanging on pins; and empty bottles in +boles, and so on. Indeed, Jacob Glowr, who was standing by my side with +his specs on, could see as plain as a pikestaff, a tea-kettle still on +the fire, in the hearth-place of one of the gable garrets, where Miss +Jenny Withershins lived, but happened luckily, at the era of the +conflagration, to be away to Prestonpans, on a visit to some of her far- +away cousins, providentially for her safety, grievously, at that very +time, smitten with the sciatics. + +Having satisfied my eyes with a daylight view of the terrible +devastation, I went away leisurely up the street with my hands in my +breeches-pockets, comparing the scene in my mind with the downfall of +Babylon the Great, and Sodom and Gomorrah, and Tyre and Sidon, and +Jerusalem, and all the lave of the great towns that had fallen to decay, +according to the foretelling of the sacred prophets, until I came to the +door of Donald Gleig, the head of the Thief Society, to whom I related, +from beginning to end, the whole business of the hen-stealing. 'Od he +was a mettle bodie of a creature; far north, Aberdeen-awa like, and +looking at two sides of a halfpenny; but, to give the devil his due, in +this instance he behaved to me like a gentleman. Not only did Donald +send through the drum in the course of half an hour, offering a reward +for the apprehension of the offenders of three guineas, names concealed, +but he got a warrant granted to Francie Deep, the sherry-officer, to make +search in the houses of several suspicious persons. + +The reward offered by tuck of drum failed, nobody making application to +the crier; but the search succeeded; as, after turning every thing topsy- +turvy, the feathers were found in a bag, in the house of an old woman of +vile character, who contrived to make out a way of living by hiring beds +at twopence a-night to Eirish travellers--South-country packmen--sturdy +beggars, men and women, and weans of them--Yetholm tinklers--wooden-legged +sailors without Chelsea pensions--dumb spaewomen--keepers of wild-beast +shows--dancing-dog folk--spunk-makers, and suchlike pickpockets. The +thing was as plain as the loof of my hand; for, besides great suspicion, +what was more, was the finding the head of the muffed hen, to which I +could have sworn, lying in a bye-corner; the body itself not being so +kenspeckle in its disjasket state--as it hung twirling in a string by its +legs before the fire, all buttered over with swine's seam, and half +roasted. + +After some little ado, and having called in two men that were passing to +help us to take them prisoners, in case of their being refractory, we +carried them by the lug and the horn before a justice of peace. + +Except the fact of the stolen goods being found in their possession, it +so chanced, ye observe, that we had no other sort of evidence whatsoever; +but we took care to examine them one at a time, the one not hearing what +the other said; so, by dint of cross-questioning by one who well knew how +to bring fire out of flint, we soon made the guilty convict themselves, +and brought the transaction home to two wauf-looking fellows that we had +got smoking in a corner. From the speerings that were put to them during +their examination, it was found that they tried to make a way of doing by +swindling folks at fairs by the game of the garter. Indeed, it was +stupid of me not to recognise their faces at first sight, having observed +both of them loitering about our back bounds the afternoon before; and +one of them, the tall one with the red head and fustian jacket, having +been in my shop in the fore part of the night, about the gloaming like, +asking me as a favour for a yard or two of spare runds, or selvages. + +I have aye heard that seeing is believing; and that youth might take a +warning from the punishment that sooner or later is ever tacked to the +tail of crime, I took Benjie and Mungo to hear the trial; and two more +rueful faces than they put on, when they looked at the culprits, were +never seen since Adam was a boy. It was far different with the two +Eirishers, who showed themselves so hardened by a long course of sin and +misery, that, instead of abasing themselves in the face of a magistrate, +they scarcely almost gave a civil answer to a single question which was +speered at them. Howsoever, they paid for that at a heavy ransom, as ye +shall hear by and by. + +Having been kept all night in the cold tolbooth on bread and water, +without either coal or candle to warm their toes, or let them see what +they were doing, they were harled out amid an immense crowd of young and +old, more especially wives and weans, at eleven o'clock on the next +forenoon, to the endurance of a punishment which ought to have afflicted +them almost as muckle as that of death itself. + +When the key of the jail door was thrawn, and the two loons brought out, +there was a bumming of wonder, and maybe sorrow, among the terrible +crowd, to see fellow-creatures so left alone to themselves as to have +robbed an honest man's hen-house at the dead hour of night, when a fire +was bleezing next door, and the howl of desolation soughing over the town +like a visible judgment. One of them, as I said before, had a red pow +and a foraging cap, with a black napkin roppined round his weasand; a +jean jacket with six pockets, and square tails; a velveteen waistcoat +with plated buttons; corduroy breeches buttoned at the knees; rig-and-fur +stockings; and heavy, clanking wooden clogs. The other, who was little +and round-shouldered, with a bull neck and bushy black whiskers, just +like a shoebrush stuck to each cheek of his head, as if he had been a +travelling agent for Macassar, had on a low-crowned, plated beaver hat, +with the end of a peacock's feather stuck in the band; a long-tailed old +black coat, as brown as a berry, and as bare as my loof, to say nothing +of being out at both elbows. His trowsers, I dare say, had once been +nankeen; but as they did not appear to have seen the washing-tub for a +season or two, it would be rash to give any decided opinion on that head. +In short, they were two awful-like raggamuffins. + +Women, however, are aye sympathizing and merciful; so, as I was standing +among the crowd, as they came down the tolbooth stair, chained together +by the cuffs of the coat, one said, "Wae's me! what a weel-faur'd fellow, +wi' the red head, to be found guilty of stealing folk's hen-houses."--And +another one said, "Hech, sirs! what a bonny blackaviced man that little +ane is, to be paraded through the strees for a warld's wonder!" But I +said nothing, knowing the thing was just, and a wholesome example; +holding Benjie on my shoulder to see the poukit hens tied about their +necks like keeking-glasses. But, puh! the fellows did not give one pinch +of snuff; so off they set, and in this manner were drummed through the +bounds of the parish, a constable walking at each side of them with +Lochaber axes, and the town-drummer row-de-dowing the thief's march at +their backs. It was a humbling sight. + +My heart was sorrowful, notwithstanding the ills they had done me and +mine, by the nefarious pillaging of our hen-house, to see two human +creatures, of the same flesh and blood as myself, undergoing the +righteous sentence of the law, in a manner so degrading to themselves, +and so pitiful to all that beheld them. But, nevertheless, considering +what they had done, they neither deserved, nor did they seem to care for +commiseration, holding up their brazen faces as if they had been taking a +pleasure walk for the benefit of their health, and the poukit hens, that +dangled before them, ornaments of their bravery. The whole crowd, young +and old, followed them from one end of the town to the other, liking to +ding one another over, so anxious were they to get a sight of what was +going on; but when they came to the gate-end, they stopped and gave the +ne'er-do-weels three cheers. What think you did the ne'er-do-weels do in +return? Fie shame! they took off their old scrapers and gave a huzza +too; clapping their hands behind them, in a manner as deplorable to +relate as it was shocking to behold. + +Their chains--the things, ye know, that held their cuffs together--were +by this time taken off, along with the poukit hens, which I fancy the +town-offishers took home and cooked for their dinner; so they shook hands +with the drummer, wishing him a good-day and a pleasant walk home, +brushing away on the road to Edinburgh, where their wives and weans, who +had no doubt made a good supper on the spuilzie of the hens, had gone +away before, maybe to have something comfortable for their arrival, their +walk being likely to give them an appetite. + +Had they taken away all the rest of the hens, and only left the bantams, +on which they must have found but desperate little eating, and the muffed +one, I would have cared less; it being from several circumstances a pet +one in the family, having been brought in a blackbird's cage by the +carrier from Lauder, from my wife's mother, in a present to Benjie on his +birth-day. The creature almost grat himself blind, when he heard of our +having seen it roasting in a string by the legs before the fire, and +found its bonny muffed head in a corner. + +But let alone likings, the callant was otherwise a loser in its death, +she having regularly laid a caller egg to him every morning, which he got +along with his tea and bread, to the no small benefit of his health, +being, as I have taken occasion to remark before, far from being +robusteous in the constitution. I am sure I know one thing, and that is, +that I would have willingly given the louns a crown-piece to have +preserved it alive, hen though it was of my own; but no--the bloody deed +was over and done, before we were aware that the poor thing's life was +sacrificed. + +The names of the two Eirishers were John Dochart and Dennis Flint, both, +according to their own deponement, from the county of Tipperary; and weel- +a-wat the place has no great credit in producing two such bairns. Often, +after that, did I look through that part of the Advertizer newspapers, +that has a list of all the accidents, and so on, just above the births, +marriages, and deaths, which I liked to read regularly. Howsoever, it +was two years before I discovered their names again, having it seems, +during a great part of that period, lived under the forged name of Alias; +and I saw that they were both shipped off at Leith, for transportation to +some country called the Hulks, for being habit and repute thieves, and +for having made a practice of coining bad silver. The thing, however, +that condemned them, was for having knocked down a drunk man, in a +beastly state of intoxication, on the King's highway in broad daylight; +and having robbed him of his hat, wig, and neckcloth, an upper and under +vest, a coat and great-coat, a pair of Hessian boots which he had on his +legs, a silver watch with four brass seals and a key, besides a snuff-box +made of box-wood, with an invisible hinge, one of the Lawrencekirk breed, +a pair of specs, some odd halfpennies, and a Camperdown pocket-napkin. + +But of all months of the year--or maybe, indeed, of my blessed +lifetime--this one was the most adventurous. It seemed, indeed, as if +some especial curse of Providence hung over the canny town of Dalkeith; +and that, like the great cities of the plain, we were at long and last to +be burnt up from the face of the earth with a shower of fire and +brimstone. + +Just three days after the drumming of the two Eirish ne'er-do-weels, a +deaf and dumb woman came in prophesying at our back door, offering to +spae fortunes. She was tall and thin, an unco witch-looking creature, +with a runkled brow, sunburnt haffits, and two sharp piercing eyes, like +a hawk's, whose glance went through ye like the cut and thrust of a two- +edged sword. On her head she had a tawdry brownish black bonnet, that +had not improved from two three years' tholing of sun and wind; a thin +rag of a grey duffle mantle was thrown over her shoulders, below which +was a checked shortgown of gingham stripe, and a green glazed manco +petticoat. Her shoon were terrible bauchles, and her grey worsted +stockings, to hide the holes in them, were all dragooned down about her +heels. On the whole, she was rather, I must confess, an out-of-the-way +creature; and though I had not muckle faith in these bodies that pretend +to see further through a millstone than their neighbours, I somehow or +other, taking pity on her miserable condition, being still a +fellow-creature, though plain in the lugs, had not the heart to huff her +out; more by token, as Nanse, Benjie, and the new prentice Mungo, had by +this time got round me, all dying to know what grand fortunes waited them +in the years of their after pilgrimage. Sinful creatures that we are! +not content with the insight into its ways that Providence affords us, +but diving beyond our deeps, only to flounder into the whirlpools of +error. Is it not clear, that had it been for our good, all things would +have been revealed to us; and is it not as clear, that not a wink of +sound sleep would we ever have got, had all the ills that have crossed +our paths been ranged up before our een, like great black towering +mountains of darkness? How could we have found contentment in our goods +and gear, if we saw them melting from us next year like snow from a dyke; +how could we sit down on the elbow-chair of ease, could we see the +misfortunes that may make next week a black one; or how could we look a +kind friend in the face without tears, could we see him, ere a month +maybe was gone, lying streiked beneath his winding-sheet, his eyes closed +for evermore, and his mirth hushed to an awful silence! No, no, let us +rest content that Heaven decrees what is best for us: let us do our duty +as men and Christians, and every thing, both here and hereafter, will +work together for our good. + +Having taken a piece of chalk out of her big, greasy, leather pouch, she +wrote down on the table, "Your wife, your son, and your prentice." This +was rather curious, and every one of them, a wee thunderstruck like, +cried out as they held up their hands, "Losh me! did onybody ever see or +hear tell of the like o' that? She's no canny!"--It was gey droll, I +thought; and I was aware from the Witch of Endor, and sundry mentions in +the Old Testament, that things out of the course of nature have more than +once been permitted to happen; so I reckoned it but right to give the +poor woman a fair hearing, as she deserved. + +"Oh!" said Nanse to me, "ye ken our Benjie's eight year auld; see if she +kens; ask her how old he is." + +I had scarcely written down the question, when she wrote beneath it, "The +bonny laddie, your only son, is eight year old: He'll be an admiral yet." + +"An admiral!" said his mother; "that's gey and extraordinar. I never +kenned he had ony inkling for the seafaring line; and I thought, Mansie, +you intended bringing him up to your ain trade. But, howsoever, ye're +wrong ye see. I tell't ye he wad either make a spoon or spoil a horn. I +tell't ye, ower and ower again, that he would be either something or +naething; what think ye o' that noo?--See if she kens that Mungo comes +from the country; and where the Lammermoor hills is." + +When I had put down the question, in a jiffie she wrote down beside it, +"That boy comes from the high green hills, and his name is Mungo." + +Dog on it! this astonished us more and more, and fairly bamboozled my +understanding; as I thought there surely must be some league and paction +with the Old One; but the further in the deeper. She then pointed to my +wife, writing down, "Your name is Nancy"--and turning to me, as she made +some dumbie signs, she chalked down, "Your name is Mansie Wauch, that +saved the precious life of an old bedridden woman from the fire; and will +soon get a lottery ticket of twenty thousand pounds." + +Knowing the truth of the rest of what she had said, I could not help +jumping on the floor with joy, and seeing that she was up to every thing, +as plain as if it had happened in her presence. The good news set us all +a skipping like young lambs, my wife and the laddies clapping their hands +as if they had found a fiddle; so, jealousing they might lose their +discretion in their mirth, I turned round to the three, holding up my +hand, and saying, "In the name o' Gudeness, dinna mention this to ony +leeving sowl; as, mind ye, I havena taken out the ticket yet. The doing +so might not only set them to the sinful envying of our good fortune, as +forbidden in the tenth commandment, but might lead away ourselves to be +gutting our fish before we get them." + +"Mind then," said Nanse, "about your promise to me, concerning the silk +gown, and the pair"-- + +"Wheesht, wheesht, gudewifie," answered I. "There's a braw time coming. +We must not be in ower great a hurry." + +I then bade the woman sit down by the ingle cheek, and our wife to give +her a piece of cold beef, and a shave of bread, besides twopence out of +my own pocket. Some, on hearing siccan sums mentioned, would have +immediately struck work, but, even in the height of my grand +expectations, I did not forget the old saying, that "a bird in the hand +is worth two in the bush;" and being thrang with a pair of leggins for +Eben Bowsie, I brushed away ben to the workshop, thinking the woman, or +witch, or whatever she was, would have more freedom and pleasure in +eating by herself.--That she had, I am now bound to say by experience. + +Two days after, when we were sitting at our comfortable four-hours, in +came little Benjie, running out of breath--just at the individual moment +of time my wife and me were jeering one another, about how we would +behave when we came to be grand ladies and gentlemen, keeping a flunkie +maybe--to tell us, that when he was playing at the bools, on the +plainstones before the old kirk, he had seen the deaf and dumb spaewife +harled away to the tolbooth, for stealing a pair of trowsers that were +hanging drying on a tow in Juden Elshinder's back close. I could +scarcely credit the callant, though I knew he would not tell a lie for +sixpence; and I said to him, "Now be sure, Benjie, before ye speak. The +tongue is a dangerous weapon, and apt to bring folk into trouble--it +might be another woman." + +It was real cleverality in the callant. He said, "Ay, faither, but it +was her; and she contrived to bring herself into trouble without a tongue +at a'." + +I could not help laughing at this, it showed Benjie to be such a genius; +so he said, + +"Ye needna laugh, faither; for it's as true's death it was her. Do you +think I didna ken in a minute our cheese-toaster, that used to hing +beside the kitchen fire; and that the sherry-offisher took out frae +beneath her grey cloak?" + +The smile went off Nanse's cheek like lightning, and she said it could +not be true; but she would go to the kitchen to see. I'fegs it was too +true; for she never came back to tell the contrary. + +This was really and truly a terrible business, but the truth for all +that; the cheese-toaster casting up not an hour after, in the hands of +Daniel Search, to whom I gave a dram. The loss of the tin cheese-toaster +would have been a trifle, especially as it was broken in the handle--but +this was an awful blow to the truth of the thieving dumbie's grand +prophecy. Nevertheless, it seemed at the time gey puzzling to me, to +think how a deaf and dumb woman, unless she had some wonderful gift, +could have told us what she did. + +On the next day, the Friday, I think, that story was also made as clear +as daylight to us; for being banished out of the town as a common thief +and vagabond, down on the Musselburgh road, by order of a justice of the +peace, it was the bounden duty of Daniel Search and Geordie Sharp to see +her safe past the kennel, the length of Smeaton. They then tried to make +her understand by writing on the wall, that if ever again she was seen or +heard tell of in the town, she would be banished to Botany Bay; but she +had a great fight, it seems, to make out Daniel's bad spelling, he having +been very ill yedicated, and no deacon at the pen. + +Howsoever, they got her to understand their meaning, by giving her a +shove forward by the shoulders, and aye pointing down to Inveresk. +Thinking she did not hear them, they then took upon themselves the +liberty of calling her some ill names, and bade her good-day as a bad +one. But she was upsides with them for acting, in that respect, above +their commission; for she wheeled round again to them, and, snapping her +fingers at their noses, gave a curse, and bade them go home for a couple +of dirty Scotch vermin. + +The two men were perfectly dumfoundered at hearing the tongue-tied wife +speaking as good English as themselves; and could not help stopping to +look after her for a long way on the road, as every now and then she +stuck one of her arms a-kimbo in her side, and gave a dance round in the +whirling-jig way, louping like daft, and lilting like a grey-lintie. From +her way of speaking, they also saw immediately that she too was an +Eirisher.--They must be a bonny family when they are all at home. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI.--ANENT MUNGO GLEN. + + + "Earth to earth," and "dust to dust," + The solemn priest hath said, + So we lay the turf above thee now, + And we seal thy narrow bed; + But thy spirit, brother, soars away + Among the faithful blest, + Where the wicked cease from troubling, + And the weary are at rest. + + MILMAN. + +Perhaps, since I was born, I do not remember such a string of casualties +as happened to me and mine, all within the period of one short fortnight. +To say nothing connected with the playacting business, which was +immediately before--first came Mungo Glen's misfortune with regard to the +blood-soiling of the new nankeen trowsers, the foremost of his +transactions, and a bad omen--next, the fire, and all its wonderfuls, the +saving of the old bedridden woman's precious life, and the destruction of +the poor cat--syne the robbery of the hen-house by the Eirish ne'er-do- +weels, who paid so sweetly for their pranks--and lastly, the hoax, the +thieving of the cheese-toaster without the handle, and the banishment of +the spaewife. + +These were awful signs of the times, and seemed to say that the world was +fast coming to a finis; the ends of the earth appearing to have combined +in a great Popish plot of villany. Every man that had a heart to feel, +must have trembled amid these threatening, judgment-like, and calamitous +events. As for my own part, the depravity of the nations, which most of +these scenes showed me, I must say, fell heavily upon my spirit; and I +could not help thinking of the old cities of the plain, over the house- +tops of which, for their heinous sins and iniquitous abominations, the +wrath of the Almighty showered down fire and brimstone from heaven, till +the very earth melted and swallowed them up for ever and ever. + +These added to the number, to be sure; but not that I had never before +seen signs and wonders in my time. I had seen the friends of the +people,--and the scarce years,--and the bloody gulleteening over-bye +among the French blackguards,--and the business of Watt and Downie nearer +home, at our own doors almost, in Edinburgh like,--and the calling out of +the volunteers,--and divers sea-fights at Camperdown and elsewhere,--and +land battles countless,--and the American war, part o't,--and awful +murders,--and mock fights in the Duke's Parks,--and highway +robberies,--and breakings of all the Ten Commandments, from the first to +the last; so that, allowing me to have had but a common spunk of +reflection, I must, like others, have cast a wistful eye on the ongoings +of men: and, if I had not strength to pour out my inward lamentations, I +could not help thinking, with fear and trembling, at the rebellion of +such a worm as man, against a Power whose smallest word could extinguish +his existence, and blot him out in a twinkling from the roll of living +things. + +But, if I was much affected, the callant Mungo was a great deal more. +From the days in which he had lain in his cradle, he had been brought up +in a remote and quiet part of the country, far from the bustling of +towns, and from man encountering man in the stramash of daily life; so +that his heart seemed to pine within him like a flower, for want of the +blessed morning dew; and, like a bird that has been catched in a girn +among the winter snows, his appetite failed him, and he fell away from +his meat and clothes. + +I was vexed exceedingly to see the callant in this dilemmy, for he was +growing very tall and thin, his chaft-blades being lank and white, and +his eyes of a hollow drumliness, as if he got no refreshment from the +slumbers of the night. Beholding all this work of destruction going on +in silence, I spoke to his friend Mrs Grassie about him, and she was so +motherly as to offer to have a glass of port-wine, stirred with best +jesuit's barks, ready for him every forenoon at twelve o'clock; for +really nobody could be but interested in the laddie, he was so gentle and +modest, making never a word of complaint, though melting like snow off a +dyke; and, though he must have suffered both in body and mind, enduring +all with a silent composure, worthy of a holy martyr. + +Perceiving things going on from bad to worse, I thought it as best to +break the matter to him, as he was never like to speak himself; and I +asked him in a friendly way, as we were sitting together on the board +finishing a pair of fustian overalls for Maister Bob Bustle--a riding +clerk for one of the Edinburgh spirit shops, but who liked aye to have +his clothes of the Dalkeith cut, having been born, bred, and educated in +our town, like his forbears before him--if there was any thing the matter +with him, that he was aye so dowie and heartless? Never shall I forget +the look he gave me as he lifted up his eyes, in which I could see +visible distress painted as plain as the figures of the saints on old +kirk windows; but he told me, with a faint smile, that he had nothing +particular to complain of, only that he would have liked to have died +among his friends, as he could not live from home, and away from the life +he had been accustomed to all his days. + +'Od, I was touched to the quick; and when I heard him speaking of death +in such a calm, quiet way, I found something, as if his words were words +of prophecy, and as if I had seen a sign that told me he was not to be +long for this world. Howsoever, I hope I had more sense than to let this +be seen, so I said to him, "Ou, if that be a', Mungo, ye'll soon come to +like us a' well enough. Ye should take a stout heart, man; and when your +prenticeship's done, ye'll gang hame and set up for a great man, making +coats for all the lords and lairds in broad Lammermoor." + +"Na, na," answered the callant with a trembling voice, which mostly made +my heart swell to my mouth, and brought the tear to my eye, "I'll never +see the end of my prenticeship, nor Lammermoor again." + +"Hout touts, man," quo' I, "never speak in that sort o' way; it's +distrustfu' and hurtful. Live in hope, though we should die in despair. +When ye go home again, ye'll be as happy as ever." + +"Eh, na--never, never, even though I was to gang hame the morn. I'll +never be as I was before. I lived and lived on, never thinking that such +days were to come to an end--but now I find it can, and must be +otherwise. The thoughts of my heart have been broken in upon, and +nothing can make whole what has been shivered to pieces." + +This was to the point, as Dannie Thummel said to his needle; so just for +speaking's sake, and to rouse him up a bit, I said, "Keh, man, what need +ye care sae muckle about the country?--It'll never be like our bonny +streets, with all the braw shop windows, and the auld kirk; and the +stands with the horn spoons and luggies; and all the carts on the market- +days; and the Duke's gate, and so on." + +"Ay, but, maister," answered Mungo, "ye was never brought up in the +country--ye never kent what it was to wander about in the simmer glens, +wi' naething but the warm sun looking down on ye, the blue waters +streaming ower the braes, the birds singing, and the air like to grow +sick wi' the breath of blooming birks, and flowers of all colours, and +wild-thyme sticking full of bees, humming in joy and thankfulness--Ye +never kent, maister, what it was to wake in the still morning, when, +looking out, ye saw the snaws lying for miles round about ye on the +hills, breast deep, shutting ye out from the world, as it were; the foot +of man never coming during the storm to your door, nor the voice of a +stranger heard from ae month's end till the ither. See, it is coming on +o' hail the now, and my mother with my sister--I have but ane--and my +four brithers, will be looking out into the drift, and missing me away +for the first time frae their fireside. They'll hae a dreary winter o't, +breaking their hearts for me--their ballants and their stories will never +be sae funny again--and my heart is breaking for them." + +With this, the tears prap-prapped down his cheeks, but his pride bade him +turn his head round to hide them from me. A heart of stone would have +felt for him. + +I saw it was in vain to persist long, as the laddie was falling out of +his clothes as fast as leaves from the November tree; so I wrote home by +limping Jamie the carrier, telling his father the state of things, and +advising him, as a matter of humanity, to take his son out to the free +air of the hills again, as the town smoke did not seem to agree with his +stomach; and, as he might be making a sticked tailor of one who was +capable of being bred a good farmer; no mortal being likely to make a +great progress in any thing, unless the heart goes with the handiwork. + +Some folks will think I acted right, and others wrong in this matter; if +I erred, it was on the side of mercy, and my conscience does not upbraid +me for the transaction. In due course of time, I had an answer from Mr +Glen; and we got every thing ready and packed up, against the hour that +Jamie was to set out again. + +Mungo got himself all dressed; and Benjie had taken such a liking to him, +that I thought he would have grutten himself senseless when he heard he +was going away back to his own home. One would not have imagined, that +such a sincere friendship could have taken root in such a short time; but +the bit creature Benjie was as warm-hearted a callant as ye ever saw. +Mungo told him, that if he would not cry he would send him in a present +of a wee ewe-milk cheese whenever he got home; which promise pacified +him, and he asked me if Benjie would come out for a month gin simmer, +when he would let him see all worthy observation along the country side. + +When we had shaken hands with Mungo, and, after fastening his comforter +about his neck, wished him a good journey, we saw him mounted on the +front of limping Jamie's cart; and, as he drove away, I must confess my +heart was grit. I could not help running up the stair, and pulling up +the fore-window to get a long look after him. Away, and away they wore; +in a short time, the cart took a turn and disappeared; and, when I drew +down the window, and sauntered, with my arms crossed, back to the +workshop, something seemed amissing, and the snug wee place, with its +shapings, and runds, and paper-measurings, and its bit fire, seemed in my +eyes to look douff and gousty. + +Whether in the jougging of the cart, or what else I cannot say, but it's +an unco story; for on the road, it turned out that poor Mungo was seized +with a terrible pain in his side; and, growing worse and worse, was +obliged to be left at Lauder, in the care of a decent widow woman that +had a blind eye, and a room to let furnished. + +It was not for two-three days that we learnt these awful tidings, which +greatly distressed us all; and I gave the driver of the Lauder coach +threepence to himself, to bring us word every morning, as he passed the +door, how the laddie was going on. + +I learned shortly, that his father and mother had arrived, which was one +comfort; but that matters with poor Mungo were striding on from bad to +worse, being pronounced, by a skeely doctor, to be in a galloping +consumption--and not able to be removed home, a thing that the laddie +freaked and pined for night and day. At length, hearing for certain that +he had not long to live, I thought myself bound to be at the expense of +taking a ride out on the top of the coach, though I was aware of the +danger of the machine's whiles couping, if it were for no more than to +bid him fare-ye-weel--and I did so. + +It was a cold cloudy day in February, and everything on the road looked +dowie and cheerless; the very cows and sheep, that crowded cowering +beneath the trees in the parks, seemed to be grieving for some disaster, +and hanging down their heads like mourners at a burial. The rain whiles +obliged me to put up my umbrella, and there was nobody on the top beside +me, save a deaf woman, that aye said "ay" to every question I speered, +and with whom I found it out of the power of man to carry on any rational +conversation; so I was obliged to sit glowering from side to side at the +bleak bare fields--and the plashing grass--and the gloomy dull woods--and +the gentlemen's houses, of which I knew not the names--and the fearful +rough hills, that put me in mind of the wilderness, and of the +abomination of desolation mentioned in scripture, I believe in Ezekiel. +The errand I was going on, to be sure, helped to make me more sorrowful; +and I could not think on human life without agreeing with Solomon, that +"all was vanity and vexation of spirit." + +At long and last, when we came to our journey's end, and I louped off the +top of the coach, Maister Glen came out to the door, and bad me haste me +if I wished to see Mungo breathing. Save us! to think that a poor young +thing was to be taken away from life and the cheerful sun, thus suddenly, +and be laid in the cold damp mools, among the moudiewarts and the green +banes, "where there is no work or device." But what will ye say there? +it was the will of Him, who knows best what is for his creatures, and to +whom we should--and must submit. I was just in time to see the last row +of his glazing een, that then stood still for ever, as he lay, with his +face as pale as clay, on the pillow, his mother holding his hand, and sob- +sobbing with her face leant on the bed, as if her hope was departed, and +her heart would break. I went round about, and took hold of the other +one for a moment; but it was clammy, and growing cold with the coldness +of grim death. I could hear my heart beating; but Mungo's heart stood +still, like a watch that has run itself down. Maister Glen sat in the +easy chair, with his hand before his eyes, saying nothing, and shedding +not a tear; for he was a strong, little, blackaviced man, with a feeling +heart, but with nerves of steel. The rain rattled on the window, and the +smoke gave a swurl as the wind rummelled in the lum. The hour spoke to +the soul, and the silence was worth twenty sermons. + +They who would wish to know the real value of what we are all over-apt to +prize in this world, should have been there too, and learnt a lesson not +soon to be forgotten. I put my hand in my coat-pocket for my napkin to +give my eyes a wipe, but found it was away, and feared much I had dropped +it on the road; though in this I was happily mistaken, having, before I +went to my bed, found that on my journey I had tied it over my neckcloth, +to keep away sore throats. + +It was a sad heart to us all, to see the lifeless creature in his white +nightcap and eyes closed, lying with his yellow hair spread on the +pillow; and we went out, that the women-folk might cover up the looking- +glass and the face of the clock, ere they proceeded to dress the body in +its last clothes--clothes that would never need changing; but, when we +were half down the stair, and I felt glad with the thoughts of getting to +the fresh air, we were obliged to turn up again for a little, to let the +man past that was bringing in the dead deal. + +But why weave a long story out of the materials of sorrow? or endeavour +to paint feelings that have no outward sign, lying shut up within the +sanctuary of the heart? The grief of a father and a mother can only be +conceived by them who, as fathers and mothers, have suffered the loss of +their bairns,--a treasure more precious to nature than silver or gold, +home to the land-sick sailor, or daylight to the blind man sitting +beaking in the heat of the morning sun. + +The coffin having been ordered to be got ready with all haste, two men +brought it on their shoulders betimes on the following morning; and it +was a sight that made my blood run cold to see the dead corpse of poor +Mungo, my own prentice, hoisted up from the bed, and laid in his black- +handled, narrow housie. All had taken their last looks, the lid was +screwed down by means of screw-drivers, and I read the plate, which said, +"Mungo Glen, aged 15." Alas! early was he cut off from among the +living--a flower snapped in its spring blossom--and an awful warning to +us all, sinful and heedless mortals, of the uncertainty of this state of +being. + +In the course of the forenoon, Maister Glen's cart was brought to the +door, drawn by two black horses with long tails and hairy feet, a tram +one and a leader. Though the job shook my nerves, I could not refuse to +give them a hand down the stair with the coffin, which had a fief-like +smell of death and sawdust; and we got it fairly landed in the cart, +among clean straw. I saw the clodhapper of a ploughman aye dighting his +een with the sleeve of his big-coat. + +The mother, Mistress Glen, a little fattish woman, and as fine a homely +body as ye ever met with, but sorely distracted at this time by sorrow, +sat at the head, with her bonnet drawn over her face, and her shawl +thrown across her shoulders, being a blue and red spot on a white ground. +It was a dismal-like-looking thing to see her sitting there, with the +dead body of her son at her feet; and, at the side of it, his kist with +his claes, on the top of which was tied--not being room for it in the +inside like, (for he had twelve shirts, and three pair of trowsers, and a +Sunday and everyday's coat, with stockings and other things)--his old +white beaver hat, turned up behind, which he used to wear when he was +with me. His Sunday's hat I did not see; but most likely it was in among +his claes, to keep it from the rain, and preserved, no doubt, for the use +of some of his little brothers, please God, when they grew up a wee +bigger. + +Seeing Maister Glen, who had cut his chin in shaving, in a worn-out +disjasket state, mounted on his sheltie, I shook hands with them both; +and, in my thoughtlessness, wished them "a good journey,"--knowing well +what a sorrowful home-going it would be to them, and what their bairns +would think when they saw what was lying in the cart beside their mother. +On this the big ploughman, that wore a broad blue bonnet and corduroy +cutikins, with a grey big-coat slit up behind in the manner I commonly +made for laddies, gave his long whip a crack, and drove off to the +eastward. + +It would be needless in me to waste precious time in relating how I +returned to my own country, especially as I may be thankful that nothing +particular happened, excepting the coach-wheels riding over an old dog +that was lying sleeping on the middle of the road, and, poor brute, +nearly got one of his fore-paws chacked off. The day was sharp and +frosty, and all the passengers took a loup off at a yill-house, with a +Highland-man on the sign of it, to get a dram, to gar them bear up +against the cold; yet knowing what had but so lately happened, and having +the fears of Maister Wiggie before my eyes, I had made a solemn vow +within myself, not to taste liquor for six months at least; nor would I +here break my word, tho' much made a fool of by an Englisher, and a fou +Eirisher, who sang all the road; contenting myself, in the best way I +could, with a tumbler of strong beer and two butter-bakes. + +It is an old proverb, and a true one, that there is no rest to the +wicked; so when I got home, I found business crying out for me loudly, +having been twice wanted to take the measure for suits of clothes. Of +course, knowing that my two customers would be wearying, I immediately +cut my stick to their houses, and promised without fail to have my work +done against the next Sabbath. Whether from my hurry, or my grief for +poor Mungo, or maybe from both, I found on the Saturday night, when the +clothes were sent home on the arm of Tammie Bodkin, whom I was obliged to +hire by way of foresman, that some awful mistake had occurred--the dress +of the one having been made for the back of the other, the one being long +and tall, the other thick and short; so that Maister Peter Pole's cuffs +did not reach above half-way down his arms, and the tails ended at the +small of the back, rendering him a perfect fright; while Maister Watty +Firkin's new coat hung on him like a dreadnought, the sleeves coming over +the nebs of his fingers, and the hainch buttons hanging down between his +heels, making him resemble a mouse below a firlot. With some persuasion, +however, there being but small difference in the value of the cloths, the +one being a west of England bottle-green, and the other a Manchester +blue, I caused them to niffer, and hushed up the business, which, had +they been obstreperous, would have made half the parish of Dalkeith stand +on end. + +After poor Mungo had been beneath the mools, I daresay a good month, +Benjie, as he was one forenoon diverting himself dozing his top in the +room where they sleeped, happened to drive it in below the bed, where, +scrambling in on his hands and feet, he found a half sheet of paper +written over in Mungo's hand-writing, the which he brought to me; and, on +looking over it, I found it jingled in metre like the Psalms of David. + +Having no skeel in these matters, I sent up the close for James Batter, +who, being a member of the fifteenpence a-quarter subscription book-club, +had read a power of all sorts of things, sacred and profane. James, as +he was humming it over with his specs on his beak, gave now and then a +thump on his thigh, "Prime, prime, man; fine, prime, good, capital!" and +so on, which astonished me much, kenning who had written it--a callant +that had sleeped with our Benjie, and could not have shaped a pair of +leggins though we had offered him the crown of the three kingdoms. + +Seeing what it was thought of by one who knew what was what, and could +distinguish the difference between a B and a bull's foot, I judged it +necessary for me to take a copy of it; which, for the benefit of them +that like poems, I do not scruple to tag to the tail of this chapter. + + Oh, wad that my time were ower but, + Wi' this wintry sleet and snaw, + That I might see our house again + I' the bonny birken shaw!-- + For this is no my ain life, + And I peak and pine away + Wi' the thochts o' hame, and the young flow'rs + I' the glad green month o' May. + + I used to wauk in the morning + Wi' the loud sang o' the lark, + And the whistling o' the ploughmen lads + As they gaed to their wark; + I used to weir in the young lambs + Frae the tod and the roaring stream; + But the warld is changed, and a' thing now + To me seems like a dream. + + There are busy crowds around me + On ilka lang dull street; + Yet, though sae mony surround me, + I kenna ane I meet. + And I think on kind, kent faces, + And o' blythe and cheery days, + When I wander'd out, wi' our ain folk, + Out-owre the simmer braes. + + Wae's me, for my heart is breaking! + I think on my brithers sma', + And on my sister greeting, + When I came frae hame awa; + And oh! how my mither sobbit, + As she shook me by the hand; + When I left the door o' our auld house, + To come to this stranger land; + + There's nae place like our ain hame; + Oh, I wish that I was there!-- + There's nae hame like our ain hame + To be met wi' ony where!-- + And oh! that I were back again + To our farm and fields so green; + And heard the tongues o' my ain folk, + And was what I hae been! + +That's poor Mungo's poem; which I and James Batter, and the rest, think +excellent, and not far short of Robert Burns himself, had he been spared. +Some may judge otherwise, out of bad taste or ill nature; but I would +just thank them to write a better at their leisure. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII.--THE JUNE JAUNT. + + + The lapwing lilteth o'er the lea, + With nimble wing she sporteth; + By vows she'll flee from tree to tree + Where Philomel resorteth: + By break of day, the lark can say, + I'll bid you a good-morrow, + I'll streik my wing, and mounting sing, + O'er Leader hauchs and Yarrow. + + NICOL BURN, _the Minstrel_. + +After Tammie Bodkin had been working with me on the board for more than +four years in the capacity of foresman, superintending the workshop +department, together with the conduct and conversation of Joe Breeky, +Walter Cuff, and Jack Thorl, my three bounden apprentices, I thought I +might lippen him awee to try his hand in the shaping line, especially +with the clothes of such of our customers as I knew were not very nice, +provided they got enough of cutting from the Manchester manufacture, and +room to shake themselves in. The upshot, however, proved to a moral +certainty, that such a length of tether is not chancey for youth, and +that a master cannot be too much on the head of his own business. + +It was in the pleasant month of June, sometime, maybe six or eight days, +after the birth-day of our good old King George the Third--for I +recollect the withering branches of lily-oak and flowers still sticking +up behind the signs, and over the lampposts,--that my respected +acquaintance and customer, Peter Farrel the baker, to whom I have made +many a good suit of pepper-and-salt clothes--which he preferred from +their not dirtying so easily with the bakehouse--called in upon me, +requesting me, in a very pressing manner, to take a pleasure ride up with +him the length of Roslin, in his good-brother's bit phieton, to eat a +wheen strawberries, and see how the forthcoming harvest was getting on. + +That the offer was friendly admitted not of doubt, but I did not like to +accept for two-three reasons; among which were, in the first place, my +awareness of the danger of riding in such vehicles--having read sundry +times in the newspapers of folk having been tumbled out of them, drunk or +sober, head-foremost, and having got eyes knocked ben, skulls cloured, +and collar-bones broken; and, in the second place, the expense of feeding +the horse, together with our finding ourselves in meat and drink during +the journey--let alone tolls, strawberries and cream, bawbees to the +waiter, the hostler, and what not. But let me speak the knock-him-down +truth, and shame the de'il,--above all, I was afraid of being seen by my +employers wheeling about, on a work-day, like a gentleman, dressed out in +my best, and leaving my business to mind itself as it best could. + +Peter Farrel, however, being a man of determination, stuck to his text +like a horse-leech; so, after a great to-do, and considerable +argle-bargling, he got me, by dint of powerful persuasion, to give him my +hand on the subject. Accordingly, at the hour appointed, I popped up the +back-loan with my stick in my hand--Peter having agreed to be waiting for +me on the roadside, a bit beyond the head of the town, near Gallows-hall +toll. The cat should be let out of the pock by my declaring, that Nanse, +the goodwife, had also a finger in the pie--as, do what ye like, women +will make their points good--she having overcome me in her wheedling way, +by telling me, that it was curious I had no ambition to speel the ladder +of gentility, and hold up my chin in imitation of my betters. + +That we had a most beautiful drive I cannot deny; for though I would not +allow Peter to touch the horse with the whip, in case it might run away, +fling, or trot ower fast--and so we made but slow progress--little more +even than walking; yet, as I told him, it gave a man leisure to use his +eyes, and make observation to the right and the left; and so we had a +prime look of Eskbank, and Newbottle Abbey, and Melville Castle, and +Dalhousie, and Polton, and Hawthornden, and Dryden woods--and the powder +mills, the paper mills, the bleachfield--and so on. The day was bright +and beautiful, and the feeling of summer came over our bosoms; the +flowers blossomed and the birds sang; and, as the sun looked from the +blue sky, the quiet of nature banished from our thoughts all the poor and +paltry cares that embitter life, and all the pitiful considerations which +are but too apt to be the only concerns of the busy and bustling, from +their awaking in the morning to their lying down on the pillow of evening +rest. Peter and myself felt this forcibly; he, as he confessed to me, +having entirely forgot the four pan-soled loaves that were, that morning, +left by his laddie, Peter Crust, in the oven, and burned to sticks; and +for my own part, do what I liked, I could not bring myself to mind what +piece of work I was employed on the evening before till, far on the road, +I recollected that it was a pair of mouse-brown spatterdashes for worthy +old Mr Mooleypouch the meal-monger. + +Oh, it is a pleasant thing, now and then, to get a peep of the country! +To them who live among shops and markets, and stone-walls, and butcher- +stalls, and fishwives--and the smell of ready-made tripe, red herring, +and Cheshire cheeses--the sights, and sounds, and smells of the country, +bring to mind the sinless days of the world before the fall of man, when +all was love, peace, and happiness. Peter Farrel and I were transported +out of our seven senses, as we feasted our eyes on the beauty of the +green fields. The bumbees were bizzing among the gowans and bluebells; +and a thousand wee birds among the green trees were churm-churming away, +filling earth and air with music, as it were a universal hymn of +gratitude to the Creator for his unbounded goodness to all his creatures. +We saw the trig country lasses bleaching their snow-white linen on the +grass by the waterside, and they too were lilting their favourite songs, +Logan Water, the Flowers of the Forest, and the Broom of the +Cowdenknowes. All the world seemed happy, and I could scarcely +believe--what I kent to be true for all that--that we were still walking +in the realms of sin and misery. The milk-cows were nipping the clovery +parks, and chewing their cuds at their leisure;--the wild partridges +whidding about in pairs, or birring their wings with fright over the +hedges;--and the blue-bonneted ploughmen on the road cracking their whips +in wantonness, and whistling along amid the clean straw in their carts. +And then the rows of snug cottages, with their kailyards and their +gooseberry bushes, with the fruit hanging from the branches like earrings +on the neck of a lady of fashion. How happy, thought we both--both Peter +Farrel and me--how happy might they be who, without worldly pride or +ambition, passed their days in such situations, in the society of their +wives and children. Ah! such were a blissful lot! + +During our ride, Peter Farrel and I had an immense deal of rational +conversation on a variety of matters, Peter having seen great part of the +world in his youth, from having made two voyages to Greenland, during one +of which he was very nearly frozen up--with his uncle, who was the mate +of a whale-vessel. To relate all that Peter told me he had seen and +witnessed in his far-away travels, among the white bears, and the frozen +seas, would take up a great deal of the reader's time, and of my paper; +but as to its being very diverting, there is no doubt of that. However, +when Peter came to the years of discretion, Peter had sense enough in his +noddle to discover, that "a rowing stane gathers no fog;" and, having got +an inkling of the penny-pie manufacture when he was a wee smout, he yoked +to the baking trade tooth and nail; and, in the course of years, thumped +butter-bakes with his elbows to some purpose; so that, at the time of our +colleaguing together, Peter was well to do in the world--had bought his +own bounds, and built new ones--could lay down the blunt for his article, +and take the measure of the markets, by laying up wheat in his granaries +against the day of trouble--to wit--rise of prices. + +"Well, Peter," said I to him, "seeing that ye read the newspapers, and +have a notion of things, what think ye, just at the present moment, of +affairs in general?" + +Peter cocked up his lugs at this appeal, and, looking as wise as if he +had been Solomon's nephew, gave a knowing smirk, and said-- + +"Is it foreign or domestic affairs that you are after, Maister Wauch? for +the question is a six-quarters wide one." + +I was determined not to be beat by man of woman born; so I answered with +almost as much cleverality as himself, "Oh, Mr Farrel, as to our foreign +concerns, I trust I am ower loyal a subject of George the Third to have +any doubt at all about them, as the Buonaparte is yet to be born that +will ever beat our regulars abroad--to say nothing of our volunteers at +home; but what think you of the paper specie--the national debt--borough +reform--the poor-rates--and the Catholic question?" + +I do not think Peter jealoused I ever had so much in my noddle; but when +he saw I had put him to his mettle, he did his best to give me +satisfactory answers to my queries, saying, that till gold came in +fashion, it would not be for my own interest or that of my family, to +refuse bank-notes, for which he would, any day of the year, give me as +many quarter loaves as I could carry, to say nothing of coarse flour for +the prentices' scones, and bran for the pigs--that the national debt +would take care of itself long after both him and I were gathered to our +fathers: and that individual debt was a much more hazardous, pressing, +and personal concern, far more likely to come home to our more immediate +bosoms and businesses--that the best species of reform was every one's +commencing to make amendment in their own lives and conversations--that +poor rates were likely to be worse before they were better; and that, as +to the Catholic question,--"But, Mansie," said he, "it would give me +great pleasure to hear your candid and judicious opinion of Popery and +the Papists." + +I saw, with half an e'e, that Peter was trying to put me to my mettle, +and I devoutly wished that I had had James Batter at my elbow to have +given him play for his money--James being the longest-headed man that +ever drove a shuttle between warp and woof; but most fortunately, just as +I was going to say, that "every honest man, who wished well to the good +of his country, could only have one opinion upon that subject,"--we came +to the by-road, that leads away off on the right-hand side down to +Hawthornden, and we observed, from the curious ringle, that one of the +naig's fore-shoon was loose; which consequently put an end to the +discussion of this important national question, before Peter and I had +time to get it comfortably settled to the world's satisfaction. + +The upshot was, that we were needcessitated to dismount, and lead the +animal by the head forward to Kittlerig, where Macturk Sparrible keeps +his smith's shop; in order that, with his hammer, he might make fast the +loose nails: and that him and his foresman did in a couple of hurries; me +and Peter looking over them with our hands in our big-coat pockets, while +they pelt-pelted away with the beast's foot between their knees, as if we +had been a couple of grand gentlemen incog.; and so we were to him. + +After getting ourselves again decently mounted, and giving Sparrible a +consideration for his trouble, Peter took occasion, from the horse +casting its shoe, to make a few apropos moral observations, in the manner +of the Rev. Mr Wiggie, on the uncertainties which it is every man's lot +to encounter in the weariful pilgrimage of human life. "There is many a +slip 'tween the cup and the lip," said Peter. + +"And, indeed, Mr Farrel, ye never spoke a truer word," said I. "We are +here to-day--yonder to-morrow; this moment we are shining like the mid- +day sun, and on the next, pugh! we go out like the snuff of a candle. +'Man's life,' as Job observes, 'is like a weaver's shuttle.'" + +"But, Maister Wauch," quo' Peter, who was a hearer of the Parish Church, +"you dissenting bodies aye take the black side of things; never +considering that the doubtful shadows of affairs sometimes brighten up +into the cloudless daylight. For instance, now, there was an old fellow- +apprentice of my father's, who, like myself, was a baker, his name was +Charlie Cheeper; and, both his father and mother dying when he was yet +hardly in trowsers, he would have been left without a hame in the world, +had not an old widow woman, who had long lived next door to them, and +whose only breadwinner was her spinning-wheel, taken the wee wretchie in +to share her morsel. For several years, as might naturally have been +expected, the callant was a perfect deadweight on the concern, and +perhaps, in her hours of greater distress, the widow regretted the +heedlessness of her Christian charity; but Charlie had a winning way with +him, and she could not find it in her heart to turn him to the door. By +the time he was seven--and a ragged coute he was as ever stepped without +shoes--he could fend for himself, by running messages--holding horses at +shop doors--winning bools and selling them--and so on; so that, when he +had collected half-a-crown in a penny pig, the widow sent him to the +school, where he got on like a hatter, and in a little while, could both +read and write. When he was ten, he was bound apprentice to Saunders +Snaps in the Back-row, whose grandson has yet, as you know, the sign of +the Wheat Sheaf; and for five years he behaved himself like his betters. + +"Well, sir, when his time was out, Charlie had an ambition to see the +world; and, by working for a month or two as a journeyman in the +Candlemaker-row at Edinburgh, he raked as much together as took him up to +London in the steerage of a Leith smack. For several years nothing was +heard of him, except an occasional present of a shawl, or so on, to the +widow, who had been so kind to him in his helpless years; and at length a +farewell present of some little money came to her, with his blessing for +past favours, saying that he was off for good and all to America. + +"In the course of time, Widow Amos became frail and sand-blind. She was +unable to work for herself, and the charity she had shown to others no +one seemed disposed to extend to her. Her only child, Jeanie Amos, was +obliged to leave her service, and come home to the house of poverty, to +guard her mother's grey hairs from accident, and to divide with her the +little she could make at the trade of mangling; for, with the money that +Charlie Cheeper had sent, before leaving the country, the old woman had +bought a calender, and let it out to the neighbours at so much an hour; +honest poverty having many shifts. + +"Matters had gone on in this way for two or three fitful years; and +Jeanie, who, when she had come home from service, was a buxom and +blooming lass, although yet but a wee advanced in her thirties, began to +show, like all earthly things, that she was wearing past her best. Some +said that she had lost hopes of Charlie's return; and others, that, come +hame when he liked, he would never look over his left shoulder after her. + +"Well, sir, as fact as death, I mind mysell, when a laddie, of the rumpus +the thing made in the town. One Saturday night, a whole washing of old +Mrs Pernickity's that had been sent to be calendered, vanished like +lightning, no one knew where: the old lady was neither to hold nor bind; +and nothing would serve her, but having both the old woman and her +daughter committed to the Tolbooth. So to the Tolbooth they went, +weeping and wailing; followed by a crowd, who cried loudly out at the sin +and iniquity of the proceeding; because the honesty of the prisoners, +although impeached, was unimpeachable; the mob were furious; and before +the Sunday sun arose, old Mrs Pernickity awakened with a sore throat, +every pane of her windows having been miraculously broken during the dead +hours. + +"The mother and the daughter were kept in custody until the Monday; when, +as they were standing making a declaration of their innocence before the +justices, who should come in but Francie Deep, the Sheriff-officer, with +an Irish vagrant and his wife--two tinklers who were lodging in the Back- +row, and in whose possession the bundle was found bodily, basket and all. +Such a cheering as the folk set up! it did all honest folk's hearts good +to hear it. Mrs Pernickity and her lass, to save their bacon, were +obliged to be let out by a back door; and, as the justices were about to +discharge the two prisoners, who had been so unjustly and injuriously +suspected, a stranger forced his way to the middle of the floor, and took +the old woman in his arms!" + +"Charlie Cheeper returned, for a gold guinea," said I. + +"And no other it was," said Peter, resuming his comical story. "The +world had flowed upon him to his heart's desire. Over in Virginia he had +given up the baking business, and commenced planter; and, after years of +industrious exertion, having made enough and to spare, he had returned to +spend the rest of his days in peace and plenty, in his native town." + +"Not to interrupt you," added I, "Mr Farrel, I think I could wager +something mair." + +"You are a witch of a guesser I know, Mansie," said Peter; "and I see +what you are at. Well, sir, you are right again. For, on the very day +week that Patrick Makillaguddy and his spouse got their heads shaved, and +were sent to beat hemp in the New Bridewell on the Caltonhill, Jeanie +Amos became Mrs Cheeper; the calender and the spinning-wheel were both +burned by a crowd of wicked weans before old Mrs Pernickity's door, +raising such a smoke as almost smeaked her to a rizzar'd haddock; and the +old widow under the snug roof of her ever grateful son-in-law, spent the +remainder of her Christian life in peace and prosperity." + +"That story ends as it ought," said I, "Mr Farrel; neither Jew nor Gentle +dare dispute that; and as to the telling of it, I do not think man of +woman born, except maybe James Batter, who is a nonsuch, could have +handled it more prettily. I like to hear virtue aye getting its ain +reward." + +As these dividual words were falling from my lips, we approached the end +of our journey, the Roslin Inn house heaving in sight, at the door of +which me and Peter louped out, an hostler with a yellow striped +waistcoat, and white calico sleeves, I meantime holding the naig's head, +in case it should spend off, and capsize the concern. After seeing the +horse and gig put into the stable, Peter and I pulled up our shirt necks, +and after looking at our watches, as if time was precious, oxtered away, +arm-in-arm, to see the Chapel, which surpasses all, and beats +cock-fighting. + +It is an unaccountable thing to me, how the auld folk could afford to +build such grand kirks and castles. If once gold was like slate stones, +there is a wearyful change now-a-days, I must confess; for, so to speak, +gold guineas seem to have taken flight from the land along with the +witches and warlocks, and posterity are left as toom in the pockets as +rookit gamblers. + +But if the mammon of precious metals be now totally altogether out of the +world, weel-a-wat we had a curiosity still, and that was a cleipy woman +with a long stick, that rhaemed away, and better rhaemed away, about the +Prentice's Pillar, who got a knock on the pow from his jealous blackguard +of a master--and about the dogs and the deer--and Sir Thomas this-thing +and my Lord tother-thing, who lay buried beneath the broad flag-stones in +their rusty coats of armour--and such a heap of havers, that no throat +was wide enough to swallow them for gospel, although gey an' entertaining +I allow. However, it was a real farce; that is certain. + +Oh, but the building was a grand and overpowering sight, making man to +dree the sense of his own insignificance, even in the midst of his own +handiwork! First, we looked over our shoulders to the grand carved +roofs, where the swallows swee-swee'd, as they darted through the open +windows, and the yattering sparrows fed their gorbals in the far boles; +and syne we looked shuddering down into the dark vaults, where nobody in +their senses could have ventured, though Peter Farrel, being a rash +courageous body, was keen on it, having heard less than I could tell him +of such places being haunted by the spirits of those who have died or +been murdered within them in the bloody days of the old times; or of +their being so full of foul air, as to extinguish man's breath in his +nostrils like the snuff of a candle. Though no man should throw his life +into jeopardy, yet I commend all for taking timeous recreation--the King +himself on the throne not being able to live without the comforts of +life; and even the fifteen Lords of Session, with as much powder on their +wigs as would keep a small family in loaves for a week, requiring air and +exercise, after sentencing vagabonds to be first hanged, and then their +clothes given to Jock Heich, and their bodies to Doctor Monro. + +Before going out to inspect the wonderfuls, we had taken the natural +precaution to tell the goodman of the inn, that we would be back to take +a chack of something from him, at such and such an hour; and, having had +our bellyful of the Chapel,--and the Prentice's Pillar,--and the +vaults,--and the cleipy auld wife with the lang stick,--we found that we +had still half an hour to spare; so took a stroll into the Kirkyard, to +see if we could find out if any of the martyrs had been buried there-away- +abouts. + +We saw a good few head-stones, you may make no doubt, both ancient and +modern; but nothing out of the course of nature; so, the day being +pleasant, Mr Farrel and me sat down on a throughstane, below an old +hawthorn, and commenced chatting on the Pentland Hills--the river +Esk--Penicuik--Glencorse--and all the rest of the beautiful country +within sight. A mooly auld skull was lying among the grass, and Peter, +as he spoke, was aye stirring it about with his stick. + +"I never touched a dead man's bones in my life," said I to Peter, "nor +would I for a sixpence. Who might that have belonged to, now, I wonder? +Maybe to a baker or a tailor, in his day and generation, like you and I, +Peter; or maybe to ane of the great Sinclairs with their coats-of-mail, +that the auld wife was cracking so crousely about?" + +"Deil may care," said Peter; "but are you really frighted to touch a +skull, Mansie? You would make a bad doctor, I'm doubting, then; to say +nothing of a resurrection man." + +"Doctor! I would not be a doctor for all the gold and silver on the +walls of Solomon's temple"-- + +"Yet you would think the young doctors suck in their trade with their +mother's milk, and could cut off one another's heads as fast as look at +you.--Speaking of skulls," added Peter, "I mind when my father lived in +the under-flat of the three-story house at the top of Dalkeith street, +that the Misses Skinflints occupied the middle story, and Doctor +Chickenweed had the one above, with the garrets, in which was the +laboratory. + +"Weel, ye observe, in getting to the shop, it was not necessary to knock +at the Doctor's door, but just proceed up the narrow wooden stair, facing +the top of which was the shop-door, which, for light to the customer's +feet, was generally allowed to stand open. + +"For a long time, the Doctor had heard the most unearthly noises in his +house--as if a thunderbolt was in the habit of coming in at one of the +sky-lights, and walking down stairs; and the Misses Skinflints had more +than once nearly got their door carried off the hinges; so they had not +the life of dogs, for constant startings and surprises. At first they +had no faith in ghosts; but, in the course of time, they came to be alike +doubtful on that point; but you shall hear. + +"The foundation of the mystery was this. The three mischievous +laddies--the apprentices--after getting their daily work over, of making +pills and potions for his Majesty's unfortunate subjects, took to the +trick of mounting a human skull, like that, upon springs, so that it +could open its mouth, and setting it on a stand at the end of the +counter, could make it gape, and turn from side to side, by pulling a +string. + +"The door being left purposely ajee--whenever the rascals saw a fit +subject, they set the skull a-moving and a-gaping; the consequence of +which was, that many a poor customer descended without counting the +number of steps, and after bouncing against Dr Chickenweed's panels, +played flee down to try the strength of Misses Skinflints'. One of the +three instantly darted down behind the evanished patient; and, after +assisting her or him--whichever it might chance to be--to gain their +feet, begged of them not to mention what they had seen, as the house was +haunted by the ghost of an old maiden aunt of their master's, who had +died abroad; and that the thing would hurt his feelings if ever it came +to his ears." + +"Dog on me," said I, "if ever I heard of such a trick since ever I was +born! What was the upshot?" + +"The upshot was, that the thing might have continued long enough, and the +laboratory been left as deserted as Tadmor in the Wilderness, had not a +fat old woman fallen one day perfectly through the doctor's door, and +dislocated her ankle--which unfortunately incapacitated her from making a +similar attack on that of the Misses Skinflints. The consequence was, +that the conspiracy was detected--the Doctor's aunt's ghost laid--and the +fat old woman carried down on a shutter to her bed, where she lay till +her ankle grew better in the course of nature." + +It being near the hour at which we had ordered our dinner to be ready, we +rose up from the tombstone; and, after taking a snuff out of Peter's box, +we returned arm-in-arm to the tavern, to lay in a stock of provisions. + +Peter Farrel was a warm-hearted, thorough-going fellow, and did not like +half-measures, such as swallowing the sheep and worrying on the tail; so, +after having ate as many strawberries as we could well stow away, he +began trying to fright me with stories of folk taking the elic +passion--the colic--the mulligrubs--and other deadly maladies, on account +of neglecting to swallow a drop of something warm to qualify the coldness +of the fruit; so, after we had discussed good part of a fore-quarter of +lamb and chopped cabbage--the latter a prime dish--we took first one jug, +and syne another, till Peter was growing tongue-tied, and as red in the +face as a bubbly-jock; and, to speak the truth, my own een began to reel +with the merligoes. In a jiffy, both of us found our hearts waxing so +brave as to kick and spur at all niggardly hesitation; and we leuch and +thumped on the good-man of the inn-house's mahogany table, as if it had +been warranted never to break. In fact, we were as furious and +obstrapulous as two unchristened Turks; and it was a mercy that we ever +thought of rising to come away at all. At the long and the last, +however, we found ourselves mounted and trotting home at no allowance, me +telling Peter, as far as I mind, to give the beast a good creish, and not +to be frighted. + +The evening was fine, and warmer than we could have wished our cheeks +glowing like dragoons' jackets; and as we passed like lightning through +among the trees, the sun was setting with a golden glory in the west, +between the Pentland and the Corstorphine Hills, and flashing in upon us +through the branches at every opening. About half-way on our road back, +we foregathered with Robbie Maut, drucken body, with his Shetland rig-and- +fur hose on, and his green umbrella in his hand, shug-shugging away home, +keeping the trot, with his tale, and his bit arm shake-shaking at his tae +side, on his grey sheltie; so, after carhailing him, we bragged him to a +race full gallop for better than a mile to the toll. The damage we did I +dare not pretend to recollect. First, we knocked over two drunk +Irishmen, that were singing "Erin-go-Bragh," arm-in-arm--syne we rode +over the top of an old woman with a wheelbarrow of cabbages--and when we +came to the toll, which was kept by a fat man with a red waistcoat, +Robbie's pony, being, like all Highlanders, a wilful creature, stopped +all at once; and though he won the half-mutchkin by getting through +first, after driving over the tollman, it was at the expense of poor +Robbie's being ejected from his stirrups like a battering-ram, and +disappearing headforemost through the toll-house window, which was open, +hat, wig, green umbrella, and all--the tollman's wife's bairn making a +providential escape from Robbie landing on all-fours, more than two yards +on the far-side of the cradle in which it was lying asleep, with its +little flannel nightgown on. + +At the time, all was war and rebellion with the tollman, assault and +battery, damages, broken panes, and what not; but with skilful +management, and a few words in the private ear of Mr Rory Sneckdrawer, +the penny-writer, we got matters southered up when we were in our sober +senses; though I shall not say how much it cost us both in preaching and +pocket, to make the man keep a calm sough as to bringing us in for the +penalty, which would have been deadly. I think black-burning shame of +myself to make mention of such ploys and pliskies; but, after all, it is +better to make a clean breast. + +Hame at last we got, making fire flee out of the Dalkeith causey stones +like mad; and we arrived at our own door between nine and ten at night, +still in a half-seas-overish state. I had, nevertheless, sense enough +about me remaining, to make me aware that the best place for me would be +my bed; so, after making Nanse bring the bottle and glass to the door on +a server, to give Peter Farrel a dram by way of "doch-an-dorris," as the +Gaelic folk say, we wished him a good-night, and left him to drive home +the bit gig, with the broken shaft spliced with ropes, to his own bounds; +little jealousing, as we heard next morning, that he would be thrown over +the back of it, without being hurt, by taking too sharp a turn at the +corner. + +After a tremendous sound sleep, I was up betimes in the morning, though a +wee drumly about the head, anxious to enquire at Tammie Bodkin, the head +of the business department, me being absent, if any extraordinars had +occurred on the yesterday; and found that the only particular customer +making enquiries anent me was our old friend Cursecowl, savage for the +measure of a killing-coat, which he wanted made as fast as directly. +Though dreadfully angry at finding me from home, and unco swithering at +first, he at length, after a volley of oaths enough to have opened a +stone wall, allowed Tammie Bodkin to take his inches; but, as he swore +and went on havering and speaking nonsense all the time, Tammie's hand +shook, partly through fear, and partly through anxiety; and if he went +wrong in making a nick in the paper here and there in a wrong place, it +was no more than might have been looked for, from his fright and +inexperience. + +In the twinkle of an eyelid, I saw that there was some mortal mistake in +the measurement; as, unless Cursecowl had lost beef at no allowance, I +knew, judging from the past, that it would not peep on his corpus by four +inches. The matter was, however, now past all earthly remede, and there +was nothing to be done but trusting to good fortune, and allowing the +killing-coat to take its chance in the world. How the thing happened, I +have bothered and beat my brains to no purpose to make out, and it +remains a wonderful mystery to me to this blessed day; but, by long +thought on the subject, both when awake and in my bed, and by +multifarious cross-questionings at Tammie's self concerning the paper +measurings, I am devoutly inclined to think, that he mistook the nicking +of the side-seams and the shoulder-strap for the girth of the belly-band. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII.--CATCHING A TARTAR. + + + _Fr. Sol._ O, prennez misericorde! ayez pitie de moy! + _Pist._ Moy shall not serve, I will have forty moys; + For I will fetch thy rim out at thy throat, + In drops of crimson blood. + + HENRY V. + +From the first moment I clapped eye on the caricature thing of a coat, +that Tammie Bodkin had, in my absence, shaped out for Cursecowl the +butcher, I foresaw, in my own mind, that a catastrophe was brewing for +us; and never did soldier gird himself to fight the French, or sailor +prepare for a sea-storm, with greater alacrity, than I did to cope with +the bull-dog anger, and buffet back the uproarious vengeance of our +heathenish customer. + +At first I thought of letting the thing take its natural course, and of +threaping down Cursecowl's throat that he must have been feloniously +keeping in his breath when Tammie took his measure; and, moreover, that +as it was the fashion to be straight-laced, Tammie had done his utmost +trying to make him look like his betters; till, my conscience checking me +for such a nefarious intention, I endeavoured, as became me in the +relations of man, merchant, and Christian, to solder the matter +peaceably, and show him, if there was a fault committed, that there was +no evil intention on my side of the house. To this end I dispatched the +bit servant wench, on the Friday afternoon, to deliver the coat, which +was neatly tied up in brown paper, and directed--"Mr Cursecowl, with +care," and to buy a sheep's head; bidding her, by way of being civil, +give my kind compliments, and enquire how Mr and Mrs Cursecowl, and the +five little Miss Cursecowls, were keeping their healths, and trusting to +his honour in sending me a good article. But have a moment's patience. + +Being busy at the time, turning a pair of kuttikins for old Mr +Mooleypouch the mealmonger, when the lassie came back, I had no mind of +asking a sight of the sheep's head, as I aye like the little blackfaced, +in preference to the white, fat, fozy Cheviot breed; but, most +providentially, I catched a gliskie of the wench passing the shop window, +on the road over to Jamie Coom the smith's, to get it singed, having been +dispatched there by her mistress. Running round the counter like +lightning, I opened the sneck, and halooed to her to wheel to the right +about, having, somehow or other, a superstitious longing to look at the +article. As I was saying, there was a Providence in this, which, at the +time, mortal man could never have thought of. + +James Batter had popped in with a newspaper in his hand, to read me a +curious account of a mermaid, that was seen singing a Gaelic song, and +combing its hair with a tortoise-shell comb, someway terrible far north +about Shetland, by a respectable minister of the district, riding home in +the gloaming after a presbytery dinner. So, as he was just taking off +his spectacles cannily, and saying to me--"And was not that droll?"--the +lassie spread down her towel on the counter, when, lo and behold! such an +abominable spectacle! James Batter observing me run back, and turn +white, put on his glasses again, cannily taking them out of his well-worn +shagreen case, and, giving a stare down at the towel, almost touched the +beast's nose with his own. + +"And what, in the name of goodness, is the matter?" quo' James Batter; +"ye seem in a wonderful quandary." + +"The matter!" answered I, in astonishment; looking to see if the man had +lost his sight or his senses--"the matter! who ever saw a sheep's head +with straight horns, and a visnomy all colours of the rainbow--red, blue, +orange, green, yellow, white, and black?" + +"'Deed it is," said James, after a nearer inspection; "it must be a lowsy- +naturay. I'm sure I have read most of Buffon's books, and I have never +heard tell of the like. It's gey an' queerish." + +"'Od, James," answered I, "ye take every thing very canny; you're a +philosopher, to be sure; but, I daresay, if the moon was to fall from the +lift, and knock down the old kirk, ye would say no more than 'it's gey +an' queerish!'" + +"Queerish, man! do ye not see that?" added I, shoving down his head +mostly on the top of it. "Do ye not see that? awful, most awful! +extonishing!! Do ye not see that long beard? Who, in the name of +goodness, ever was an eyewitness to a sheep's head, in a Christian land, +with a beard like an unshaven Jew crying 'owl clowes,' with a green bag +over his left shoulder!" + +"Dog on it," said James, giving a fidge with his hainches; "Dog on it, as +I am a living sinner, that is the head of a Willie-goat." + +"Willie or Nannie," answered I, "it's not meat for me; and never shall an +ounce of it cross the craig of my family:--that is as sure as ever James +Batter drave a shuttle. Give counsel in need, James: what is to be +done?" + +"That needs consideration," quo' James, giving a bit hoast. "Unless he +makes ample apology, and explains the mistake in a feasible way, it is my +humble opinion that he ought to be summoned before his betters. That is +the legal way to make him smart for his sins." + +At last a thought struck me, and I saw farther through my difficulties +than ever mortal man did through a millstone; but, like a politician, I +minted not the matter to James. Keeping my tongue cannily within my +teeth, I then laid the head, wrapped up in the bit towel, in a corner +behind the counter; and, turning my face round again to James, I put my +hands into my breeches-pockets, as if nothing in the world had happened, +and ventured back to the story of the mermaid. I asked him how she +looked--what kind of dress she wore--if she swam with her corsets--what +was the colour of her hair--where she would buy the tortoise-shell +comb--and so on; when, just as he was clearing his pipe to reply, who +should burst open the shop-door like a clap of thunder, with burning +cat's een, and a face as red as a soldier's jacket, but Cursecowl +himself, with the new killing-coat in his hand,--which, giving tremendous +curse, the words of which are not essentially necessary for me to repeat, +being an elder of our kirk, he made play flee at me with such a birr, +that it twisted round my neck, and mostly blinding me, made me doze like +a tottum. At the same time, to clear his way, and the better to enable +him to take a good mark, he gave James Batter a shove, that made him +stoiter against the wall, and snacked the good new farthing tobacco-pipe, +that James was taking his first whiff out of; crying, at the same blessed +moment--"Hold out o' my road, ye long withered wabster. Ye're a pair of +havering idiots; but I'll have pennyworths out of both your skins, as I'm +a sinner!" + +What was to be done? There was no time for speaking, for Cursecowl, +foaming like a mad dog with passion, seized hold of the ell-wand, which +he flourished round his head like a Highlander's broadsword, and stamping +about, with his stockings drawn up his thighs, threatened every moment to +commit bloody murder. + +If James Batter never saw service before, he learned a little of it that +day, being in a pickle of bodily terror not to be imagined by living man; +but his presence of mind did not forsake him, and he cowered for safety +and succour into a far corner, holding out a web of buckram before him--me +crying all the time, "Send for the town-officer! will ye not send for the +town-officer?" + +You may talk of your General Moores, and your Lord Wellingtons, as ye +like; but never, since I was born, did I ever see or hear tell of +anything braver than the way Tammie Bodkin behaved, in saving both our +precious lives, at that blessed nick of time, from touch-and-go jeopardy: +for, when Cursecowl was rampauging about, cursing and swearing like a +Russian bear, hurling out volleys of oaths that would have frighted John +Knox, forbye the like of us, Tammie stole in behind him like a wild-cat, +followed by Joseph Breekey, Walter Cuff, and Jack Thorl, the three +apprentices, on their stocking soles; and, having strong and dumpy arms, +pinned back his elbows like a flash of lightning, giving the other +callants time to jump on his back, and hold him like a vice; while, +having got time to draw my breath, and screw up my pluck, I ran forward +like a lion, and houghed the whole concern--Tammie Bodkin, the three +faithful apprentices, Cursecowl and all, coming to the ground like a +battered castle. + +It was now James Batter's time to come up in line; and though a douce +man, (being savage for the insulting way that Cursecowl had dared to use +him,) he dropped down like mad, with his knees on Cursecowl's breast, who +was yelling, roaring, and grinding his buck-teeth like a mad bull, +kicking right and spurring left with fire and fury; and, taking his +Kilmarnock off his head, thrust it, like a battering-ram, into +Cursecowl's mouth, to hinder him from alarming the neighbourhood, and +bringing the whole world about our ears. Such a stramash of tumbling, +roaring, tearing, swearing, kicking, pushing, cuffing, rugging and riving +about the floor!! I thought they would not have left one another with a +shirt on: it seemed a combat even to the death. Cursecowl's breath was +choked up within him like wind in an empty bladder, and when I got a +gliskie of his face, from beneath James's cowl, it was growing as black +as the crown of my hat. It feared me much that murder would be the +upshot, the webs being all heeled over, both of broad cloth, buckram, +cassimir, and Welsh flannel; and the paper shapings and worsted runds +coiled about their throats and bodies like fiery serpents. At long and +last, I thought it became me, being the head of the house, to sound a +parley, and bid them give the savage a mouthful of fresh air, to see if +he had anything to say in his defence. + +Cursecowl, by this time, had forcible assurance of our ability to +overpower him, and finding he had by far the worst of it, was obliged to +grow tamer, using the first breath he got to cry out, "A barley, ye +thieves! a barley! I tell ye, give me wind. There's not a man in nine +of ye!" + +Finding our own strength, we saw, by this time, that we were masters of +the field; nevertheless, we took care to make good terms when they were +in our power; nor would we allow Cursecowl to sit upright, till after he +had said, three times over, on his honour as a gentleman, that he would +behave as became one. + +After giving his breeches-knees a skuff with his loof, to dad off the +stoure, he came, right foot foremost, to the counter side, while the +laddies were dighting their brows, and stowing away the webs upon their +ends round about, saying, "Maister Wauch, how have ye the conscience to +send hame such a piece o' wark as that coat to ony decent man? Do ye +dare to imagine that I am a Jerusalem spider, that I could be crammed, +neck and heels, into such a thing as that? Fye, shame--it would not +button on yourself, man, scarecrow-looking mortal though ye be!" + +James Batter's blood was now up, and boiling like an old Roman's; so he +was determined to show Cursecowl that I had a friend in court, able and +willing to keep him at stave's-end. "Keep a calm sough," said James +Batter, interfering, "and not miscall the head of the house in his own +shop; or, to say nothing of present consequences, by way of showing ye +the road to the door, perhaps Maister Sneckdrawer, the penny-writer, 'll +give ye a caption-paper with a broad margin, to claw your elbow with at +your leisure, my good fellow." + +"Pugh, pugh," cried Cursecowl, snapping his finger and thumb at James's +beak, "I do not value your threatening an ill halfpenny. Come away out +your ways to the crown of the causey, and I'll box any three of ye, over +the bannys, for half-a-mutchkin. But 'odsake, Batter, my man, nobody's +speaking to you," added Cursecowl, giving a hack now and then, and a bit +spit down on the floor; "go hame, man, and get your cowl washed; I dare +say you have pushioned me, so I have no more to say to the like of you. +But now, Maister Wauch, just speaking hooly and fairly, do you not think +black burning shame of yourself, for putting such an article into any +decent Christian man's hand, like mine?" + +"Wait a wee--wait a wee, friend, and I'll give ye a lock salt to your +broth," answered I, in a calm and cool way; for, being a confidential +elder of Maister Wiggie's, I kept myself free from the sin of getting +into a passion, or fighting, except in self-defence, which is forbidden +neither by law nor gospel; and, stooping down, I took up the towel from +the corner, and, spreading it upon the counter, bade him look, and see if +he knew an auld acquaintance! + +Cursecowl, to be such a dragoon, had some rational points in his +character; so, seeing that he lent ear to me with a smirk on his rough +red face, I went on: "Take my advice as a friend and make the best of +your way home, killing-coat and all; for the most perfect will sometimes +fall into an innocent mistake, and, at any rate, it cannot be helped now. +But if ye show any symptom of obstrapulosity, I'll find myself under the +necessity of publishing you abroad to the world for what you are, and +show about that head in the towel for a wonder to broad Scotland, in a +manner that will make customers flee from your booth, as if it was +infected with the seven plagues of Egypt." + +At sight of the goat's-head, Cursecowl clapped his hand on his thigh two +or three times, and could scarcely muster good manners enough to keep +himself from bursting out a-laughing. + +"Ye seem to have found a fiddle, friend," said I; "but give me leave to +tell you, that ye'll may be find it liker a hanging-match than a musical +matter. Are you not aware that I could hand you over to the sheriff, on +two special indictments? In the first place, for an action of assault +and batterification, in cuffing me, an elder of our kirk, with a sticked +killing-coat, in my own shop; and, in the second place, as a swindler, +imposing on his Majesty's loyal subjects, taking the coin of the realm on +false pretences, and palming off goat's flesh upon Christians, as if they +were perfect Pagans." + +Heathen though Cursecowl was, this oration alarmed him in a jiffie, soon +showing him, in a couple of hurries, that it was necessary for him to be +our humble servant: so he said, still keeping the smirk on his face, +"Keh, keh, it's not worth making a noise about after all. Gie me the +jacket, Mansie, my man, and it'll maybe serve my nephew, young Killim, +who is as lingit in the waist as a wasp. Let us take a shake of your paw +over the counter, and be friends. Bye-ganes should be bye-ganes." + +Never let it be said that Mansie Wauch, though one of the king's +volunteers, ever thrust aside the olive branch of peace; so ill-used +though I had been, to say nothing of James Batter, who had got his pipe +smashed to crunches, and one of the eyes of his spectacles knocked out, I +gave him my fist frankly. + +James Batter's birse had been so fiercely put up, and no wonder, that it +was not so easily sleeked down; so, for a while, he looked unco glum, +till Cursecowl insisted that our meeting should not be a dry one; nor +would he hear a single word on me and James Batter not accepting his +treat of a mutchkin of Kilbagie. + +I did not think James would have been so doure and refractory--funking +and flinging like old Jeroboam; but at last, with the persuasion of the +treat, he came to, and, sleeking down his front hair, we all three took a +step down to the far end of the close, at the back street, where Widow +Thamson kept the sign of "The Tankard and the Tappit Hen;" Cursecowl, +when we got ourselves seated, ordering in the spirits with a loud rap on +the table with his knuckles, and a whistle on the landlady through his +fore-teeth, that made the roof ring. A bottle of beer was also brought; +so, after drinking one another's healths round, with a tasting out of the +dram glass, Cursecowl swashed the rest of the raw creature into the +tankard, saying,--"Now take your will o't; there's drink fit for a king; +that's real 'Pap-in.'" + +He was an awful body, Cursecowl, and had a power of queer stories, which, +weel-a-wat, did not lose in the telling. James Batter, beginning to +brighten up, hodged and leuch like a nine-year-old; and I freely confess, +for another, that I was so diverted, that, I dare say, had it not been +for his fearsome oaths, which made our very hair stand on end, and were +enough to open the stone-wall, we would have both sate from that time to +this. + +We got the whole story of the Willie-goat, out and out; it seeming to be, +with Cursecowl, a prime matter of diversion, especially that part of it +relating to the head, by which he had won a crown-piece from Deacon +Paunch, who wagered that the wife and me would eat it, without ever +finding out our mistake. But, aha, lad! + +The long and the short of the matter was this. The Willie-Goat had, for +eighteen year, belonged to a dragoon marching regiment, and, in its +better days, had seen a power of service abroad; till, being now old and +infirm, it had fallen off one of the baggage-carts, and got its leg +broken on the road to Piershill, where it was sold to Cursecowl, by a +corporal, for half-a-crown and a dram. The four quarters he had managed +to sell for mutton, like lightning--this one buying a jigget, that one a +back-ribs, and so on. However, he had to weather a gey brisk gale in +making his point good. One woman remarked that it had an unearthly, rank +smell; to which he said, "No, no--ye do not ken your blessings, +friend,--that's the smell of venison, for the beast was brought up along +with the deers in the Duke's parks." And to another wife, that, after +smell-smelling at it, thought it was a wee humphed, he replied, "Faith, +that's all the thanks folk gets for letting their sheep crop heather +among the Cheviot-Hills;" and such like lies. But as for the head, that +had been the doure business. Six times had it been sold and away, and +six times had it been brought back again. One bairn said, that her +"mother didna like a sheep's head with horns like these, and wanted it +changed for another one." A second one said, that "it had tup's een, and +her father liked wether mutton." A third customer found mortal fault +with the colours, which, she said, "were not canny, or in the course of +nature." What the fourth one said, and the fifth one took leave to +observe, I have stupidly forgotten, though, I am sure, I heard both; but +I mind one remarked, quite off-hand, as she sought back her money, that, +"unless sheep could do without beards, like their neighbours, she would +keep the pot boiling with a piece beef, in the mean time." After all +this, would any mortal man believe it, Deacon Paunch, the greasy Daniel +Lambert that he is, had taken the wager, as I before took opportunity to +remark, that our family would swallow the bait? But, aha, he was off his +eggs there! + +James and me were so tickled with Cursecowl's wild, outrageous, off-hand, +humoursome way of telling his crack, that, though sore with neighering, +none of the two of us ever thought of rising; Cursecowl chapping in first +one stoup, and then another, and birling the tankard round the table, as +if we had been drinking dub-water. I dare say I would never have got +away, had I not slipped out behind Lucky Thamson's back--for she was a +broad fat body, with a round-eared mutch, and a full-plaited check +apron--when she was drawing the sixth bottle of small beer, with her +corkscrew between her knees; Cursecowl lecturing away, at the dividual +moment, like a Glasgow professor, to James Batter, whose een were +gathering straws, on a pliskie he had once, in the course of trade, +played on a conceited body of a French sicknurse, by selling her a lump +of fat pork to make beef-tea of to her mistress, who was dwining in the +blue Beelzebubs. + +Ohone, and woes me, for old Father Adam and the fall of man! Poor, +sober, good, honest James Batter was not, by a thousand miles, a match +for such company. Every thing, however, has its moral, and the truth +will out. When Nanse and me were sitting at our breakfast next morning, +we heard from Benjie, who had been early up fishing for eels at the water- +side, that the whole town-talk was concerning the misfortunate James +Batter, who had been carried home, totally incapable, far in the night, +by Cursecowl and an Irish labourer--that sleeped in Widow Thamson's +garret--on a hand-barrow, borrowed from Maister Wiggie's servant-lass, +Jenny Jessamine. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV.--JAMES BATTER AND THE MAID OF DAMASCUS. + + + He chose a mournful muse + Soft pity to infuse; + He sung the Weaver wise and good, + By too severe a fate, + Fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen, + Fallen from his high estate, + And weltering in his blood. + + DRYDEN _Revised_. + +On the morning after the debosh with Mr Cursecowl, my respected friend, +James Batter, the pattern of steadiness and sobriety, awoke in a terrible +pliskie. The decent man came to the use of his senses as from a trance, +and scarcely knew either where he was, or whether his head or heels were +uppermost. He found himself lying without his Kilmarnock, from which he +might have received deadly damage, being subject to the rheumatics in the +cuff of the neck; and every thing about him was in a most fearful and +disjaskit state. It was a long time before he could, for the life of +him, bring his mind or memory to a sense of his condition, having still +on his corduroy trowsers, and his upper and under vest, besides one of +his stockings:--his hat, his wig, his neckcloth, his shoes, his coat, his +snuff-box, his spectacles, and the other stocking, all lying on the +floor, together with a table, a chair, a candlestick, with a broken +candle, which had been knocked over;--the snuffers standing upright, +being sharp in the point, and having stuck in the deal floor. + +It was a terrible business! and might have been a life-long lesson to +every one, of the truth of St Paul's maxim, that "evil communication +corrupts good manners;"--Cursecowl being the most incomprehensible fellow +that ever breathed the breath of life. To add to his calamities, James +found, on attempting to rise, that he had, in some way or other, of which +he had not a shadow of recollection, dismally sprained his left ankle, +which, to his consternation, was swelled like a door-post, and as blue as +his apron. There was also a black ugly lump on his brow, as big as a +pigeon's egg, which was horrible to look at in the bit glass. Many a +gallant soldier escaped from Waterloo with less scaith--and that they +did. Poor innocent sowl! I pitied him from the very bottom of my +heart--as who would not? + +Having got an inkling of the town-talk by breakfast-time, and knowing +also that many a one--such is the corruption of human nature--would like +to have a hair in the neck of James, by taking up an evil report, I +remembered within myself that a friend in need is a friend indeed, and +cannily papped up the close, after I had got myself shaved, to see how +the land lay. And a humbling spectacle it was! James could scarcely yet +be said to be himself, for his eyes were like scored collops, and his +stomach was so sick that his face was like ill-bleached linen--pale as a +dishclout. When he tried to speak, it was between a bock and a hiccup +with him, and my feeling for his situation was such--knowing, as I did, +all the ins and outs of the business--that I could not help being very +wae for him. It therefore behoved me to make Nanse send him a cup of +well-made tea, to see if it would act as a settler, but his heart stood +at it, as if it had been 'cacuana, and do as he liked, he could not let a +drop of it down his craig. When the wife informed me of this, I at last +luckily remembered the old saying about giving one a hair of the dog that +bit him; and I made poor James swallow a thimbleful of malt spirits--the +real unadulterated creatur, with wonderfully good effects. Though then +in his sixty-first year, James declares on his honour as a gentleman, +that this was the first time he ever had fallen a victim to the barley- +fever! + +How could we do otherwise! it afforded Nanse and I great pleasure--and no +mistake--in acting the part of good Samaritans, by pouring oil and wine +into his wounds; I having bound up his brow with a Sunday silk-napkin, +and she having fomented his unfortunate ankle with warm water and hog's +lard. The truth is, that I found myself in conscience bound and +obligated to take a deep interest in the decent man's distresses, he +having come to his catastrophe in a cause of mine, and having fallen a +victim to the snares and devices of Cursecowl, instead of myself, for +whom the vagabond's girn was set. Providence decided that, in this +particular case, I should escape; but a better man, James Batter, was +caught in it by the left ankle. What will a body say there? + +The web of Lucky Caird, which James had promised to carry home to her on +the Saturday night, was still in the loom, and had I been up to the +craft, I would not have hesitated to have driven the shuttle myself till +I had got it off hand for him; but every man to his trade; so afraid of +consequences, I let the batter and the bobbin-box lie still, trusting to +Lucky Caird's discretion, and my friend's speedy recovery. But the +distress of James Batter was not the business of a day. In the course of +the next night, to be sure, he had some natural sleep, which cleared his +brain from the effects of that dangerous and deluding drink, the "Pap- +in;" but his ankle left him a grievous lameter hirpling on a staff; and, +although his brown scratch and his Kilmarnock helped to hide the bump +upon his temple, the dregs of it fell down upon his e'e-bree, which, to +the consternation of everybody, became as green as a docken leaf. + +My friend, however, be it added to this, was not more a sufferer in body +than in estate; for the illness, being of his own bringing on, he could +not make application to the Weavers' Society--of which he had been a +regular member for forty odd years--for his lawful sick-money. But, +being a philosopher, James submitted to his bed of thorns without a +murmur; Nanse and I soothing his calamities, as we best could, by a bowl +of sheep-head broth; a rizzar'd haddock; a tankard of broo-and-bread; a +caller egg; a swine's trotter; and other circumstantialities needless to +repeat--as occasion required. + +As for Cursecowl, the invincible reprobate, so ashamed was he of his +infamous conduct, that he did not dare, for the life in his body, to show +himself before my shop-window--far less in my presence--for more than a +week; yet, would ye believe it! he made a perfect farce of the whole +business among his own wauf cronies; and, instead of repentance, I verily +believe, would not have cared twopence to have played me the same pliskie +that he did my douce and worthy friend. But away with him! he is not +worth speaking about; and ye'll get nothing from a sow but--grumph! + +Being betimes on the mending order, James sent down, one to request, with +his compliments, that I would hand him up by the bearer old Taffy with +the Pigtail's bundle of papers,--as having more leisure in his hands than +either he liked, or well knew how to dispose of, it might afford him some +diversion to take a reading of them, for the purpose of enquiring farther +into the particulars of the Welsh gentleman's history--which undoubtedly +was a wee mysterious; consisting of matters lying heads and thraws; and +of odds and ends, that no human skill could dovetail into a Christian +consistency. + +On the night of the next day--I mind it weel, for it was on that dividual +evening that Willie, the minister's man, married Mysie Clouts, the keeper +of the lodging-house called the Beggars' Opera--it struck me, seeing the +general joy of the weans on the street, and the laughing, daffing, and +hallabuloo that they were making, that poor James must be lonely at his +ingle side, and that a drink of porter and a crack would do his old heart +good. Accordingly, I made Nanse send the bit lassie, our servant, Jenny +Heggins, for a couple of bottles of Deacon Jaffrey's best brown stout, +asking if he could pawn his word anent its being genuine, as it was for a +gentleman in delicate health. So, brushing the sawdust off the doup of +one of them, and slipping it into my coat pocket, which was gey an' +large, I popped at leisure up the close to pay my neighbour a friendly +visit. + +'Od, but comfort is a grand thing. If ever ye saw an ancient patriarch, +there was one. James was seated in his snug old easy-chair by the +fireside, as if he had been an Edinburgh Parliament House lawyer, +studying his hornings, duplies, and fugie warrants, with his left leg +paraded out on a stool, with a pillow smoothed down over it, and all the +Welshman's papers docketed on the bit table before him. The cat was +lying streaked out on the hearth, pur-purring away to herself, and the +kettle by the fire cheek was singing along with her, as if to cheer the +heart of their mutual master. As for Mr Batter, he looked as prejinct as +a pikestaff, and so taken up was he with his papers, that, when I asked +him how he felt, his answer, to my wonderment, was, that "in the Song of +Songs, Solomon had likened the nose of his beloved to the tower of +Lebanon, which looketh towards Damascus." So brown was he in his +studies, that for a while, I feared the fall had produced some crack in +his pan, and that his seven senses had gone a wool-gathering; but the +story will out, as ye will hear, and being naturally a wee-camstairie, I +gave him time to gather the feet of his faculties before pressing him too +hard; but even the sight of the bottle of porter toasting by the cheek of +the fire, hardly brought him at once to his right mind. + +Mr Batter's noddle, however, after a little patience, clearing up, we +leisurely discussed between us the porter, which was in prime condition, +with a ream as yellow as a marigold; together with half a dozen of butter- +bakes, crimp and new-baked, it being batch-day with Thomas Burlings, who, +like his father and grandfather before him, have been notorious in the +biscuit department. It soon became clear to me, that the dialogue about +Lebanon and Damascus, which was followed up with a clishmaclaver anent +dirks, daggers, red cloaks, and other bloody weapons which made all my +flesh grue, had some connexion with Taffy's papers on the table--out of +which James had been diverting himself by reading bits here and there, at +random like. + +In the course of our confab, he told me a monstrous heap about them; but, +in general, the things were so out of the course of Providence, and so +queer and leeing-like, that I, for one, would not believe them without +solemn affidavy. Indeed, I began at length to question within myself--for +the subject naturally resolved itself into two heads; firstly, whether +Taffy's master might not have had a bee in his bonnet; or, secondly, +whether he was a person not over-scrupulous regarding the matter of +truth. As for James, he declared him a nonsuch, and said, that although +poor, he would not have hesitated to have given him sixpence for a lock +of his hair, just to keep beside him for a keepsake; (did any body ever +hear such nonsense?) Before parting, he insisted that I should bear with +him, till he read me over the story he had just finished as I came in, +and which had been running in his noddle. At such a late hour, for it +was now wearing on to wellnigh ten o'clock, I was not just clear about +listening to any thing bloody; but not to vex the old boy who, I am sure, +would not have sleeped a wink through the night for disappointment, had +he not got a free breast made of it, I at long and last +consented--provided his story was not too long. My chief particularity +on this point, as I should mention, was, that it was past Benjie's +bedtime, and the callant had a hoast, which required all his mother's as +well as my own good doctoring--having cost us two bottles of Dantzic +black beer with little effect; besides not a few other recommendations of +friends and skielly acquaintances. + +It was best, therefore, to consent with a good grace; so, after clearing +his windpipes, James wiped the eyes of his spectacles with the corner of +his red-check pocket-napkin; and thereafter fixing them on his beak, he +commenced preaching away in grand style at some queer outlandish stuff, +which fairly baffled my gumption. I must confess, however, both in +fairness to Taffy and to James, that, as I had been up since five in the +morning, (having pawned my word to send home Duncan Imrie, the +heel-cutter's new duffle great-coat by breakfast time, as he had to go +into the Edinburgh leather-market by eleven,) my een were gathering +straws; and it was only at the fearsome parts that I could for half a +moment keep them sundry. "Many men," however, "many minds," as the copy- +line book says; and as every one has a right to judge for himself, I +requested James to copy the concern out for me; and ye here have it, word +for word, without subtraction, multiplication, or addition. + + + +THE MAID OF DAMASCUS. + + + "All close they met, all eves, before the dusk + Had taken from the stars its pleasant veil, + Close in a bower of hyacinth and musk, + Unknown of any, free from whispering tale." + + KEATS. + +In the reign of the Greek Emperor Heraclius, when the beautiful city of +Damascus was at the height of its splendour and magnificence, dwelt +therein a young noble, named Demetrius, whose decayed fortunes did not +correspond with the general prosperity of the times. He was a youth of +ardent disposition, and very handsome in person: pride kept him from +bettering his estate by the profession of merchandise, yet more keenly +did he feel the obscurity to which adverse fates had reduced him, that in +his lot was involved the fortune of one dearer than himself. + +It so happened that, in that quarter of the city which faces the row of +palm-trees, within the gate Keisan, dwelt a wealthy old merchant, who had +a beautiful daughter. Demetrius had by chance seen her some time before, +and he was so struck with her loveliness, that, after pining for many +months in secret, he ventured on a disclosure, and, to his delighted +surprise, found that Isabelle had longed silently nursed a deep and +almost hopeless passion for him also; so, being now aware that their love +was mutual, they were as happy as the bird that, all day long, sings in +the sunshine from the summits of the cypress-trees. + +True is the adage of the poet, that "the course of true love never did +run smooth;" and, in the father of the maiden, they found that a +stumbling-block lay in the path of their happiness, for he was of an +avaricious disposition, and they knew that he valued gold more than +nobility of blood. Their fears grew more and more, as Isabelle, in her +private conversations, endeavoured to sound her father on this point; and +although the suspicions of affection are often more apparent than real, +in this they were not mistaken; for, without consulting his child--and as +if her soul had been in his hand--he promised her in marriage to a rich +old miser, ay, twice as rich, and nearly as old as himself. + +Isabelle knew not what to do; for, on being informed by her father of the +fate he had destined for her, her heart forsook her, and her spirit was +bowed to the dust. Nowhere could she rest, like the Thracian bird that +knoweth not to fold its wings in slumber--a cloud had fallen for her over +the fair face of nature--and, instead of retiring to her couch, she +wandered about weeping, under the midnight stars, on the terrace on the +house-top--wailing over her hapless fate, and calling on death to come +and take her from her sorrows. + +At morning she went forth alone into the garden; but neither could the +golden glow of the orange-trees, nor the perfumes of the rosiers, nor the +delicate fragrance of the clustering henna and jasmine, delight her; so +she wearied for the hour of noon, having privately sent to Demetrius, +inviting him to meet her by the fountain of the pillars at that time. + +Poor Demetrius had, for some time, observed a settled sorrow in the +conduct and countenance of his beautiful Isabelle--he felt that some +melancholy revelation was to be made to him; and, all eagerness, he came +at the appointed hour. He passed along the winding walks, unheeding of +the tulips streaked like the ruddy evening clouds--of the flower +betrothed to the nightingale--of the geranium blazing in scarlet +beauty,--till, on approaching the place of promise, he caught a glance of +the maid he loved--and, lo! she sate there in the sunlight, absorbed in +thought; a book was on her knee, and at her feet lay the harp whose +chords had been for his ear so often modulated to harmony. + +He laid his hand gently on her shoulder, as he seated himself beside her +on the steps; and seeing her sorrowful, he comforted her, and bade her be +of good cheer, saying, that Heaven would soon smile propitiously on their +fortunes, and that their present trials would but endear them the more to +each other in the days of after years. At length, with tears and sobs, +she told him of what she had learned; and, while they wept on each +other's bosoms, they vowed over the Bible, which Isabelle held in her +hand, to be faithful to each other to their dying day. + +Meantime the miser was making preparations for the marriage ceremony, and +the father of Isabelle had portioned out his daughter's dowery; when the +lovers, finding themselves driven to extremity, took the resolution of +escaping together from the city. + +Now, it so happened, in accordance with the proverb, which saith that +evils never come single, that, at this very time, the city of Damascus +was closely invested by a mighty army, commanded by the Caliph Abubeker +Alwakidi, the immediate successor of Mahomet; and, in leaving the walls, +the lovers were in imminent hazard of falling into their cruel hands; +yet, having no other resource left, they resolved to put their perilous +adventure to the risk. + +'Twas the Musselman hour of prayer Magrib: the sun had just disappeared, +and the purple haze of twilight rested on the hills, darkening all the +cedar forests, when the porter of the gate Keisan, having been bribed +with a largess, its folding leaves slowly opened, and forthwith issued a +horseman closely wrapt up in a mantle; and behind him, at a little space, +followed another similarly clad. Alas! for the unlucky fugitives it so +chanced that Derar, the captain of the night-guard, was at that moment +making his rounds, and observing what was going on, he detached a party +to throw themselves between the strangers and the town. The foremost +rider, however, discovered their intention, and he called back to his +follower to return. Isabelle--for it was she--instantly regained the +gate, which had not yet closed, but Demetrius fell into the hands of the +enemy. + +As wont in those bloody wars, the poor prisoner was immediately carried +by an escort into the presence of the Caliph, who put the alternative in +his power of either, on the instant, renouncing his religion, or +submitting to the axe of the headsman. Demetrius told his tale with a +noble simplicity; and his youth, his open countenance, and stately +bearing, so far gained on the heart of Abubeker, that, on his refusal to +embrace Mahomedism, he begged of him seriously to consider of his +situation, and ordered a delay of the sentence, which he must otherwise +pronounce, until the morrow. + +Heart-broken and miserable, Demetrius was loaded with chains, and carried +to a gloomy place of confinement. In the solitude of the night-hours he +cursed the hour of his birth--bewailed his miserable situation--and +feeling that all his schemes of happiness were thwarted, almost rejoiced +that he had only a few hours to live. + +The heavy hours lagged on towards daybreak, and, quite exhausted by the +intense agony of his feelings, he sank down upon the ground in a profound +sleep, from which a band, with crescented turbans and crooked +sword-blades, awoke him. Still persisting to reject the Prophet's faith, +he was led forth to die; but, in passing through the camp, the Soubachis +of the Caliph stopped the troop, as he had been commanded, and Demetrius +was ushered into the tent, where Abubeker, not yet risen lay stretched on +his sofa. For a while the captive remained resolute, preferring death to +the disgrace of turning a renegado; but the wily Caliph, who had taken a +deep and sudden interest in the fortunes of the youth, knew well the +spring, by the touch of which his heart was most likely to be affected. +He pointed out to Demetrius prospects of preferment and grandeur, while +he assured him that, in a few days, Damascus must to a certainty +surrender, in which case his mistress must fall into the power of a +fierce soldiery, and be left to a fate full of dishonour, and worse than +death itself; but, if he assumed the turban, he pledged his royal word +that especial care should be taken that no harm should alight on her he +loved. + +Demetrius paused, and Abubeker saw that the heart of his captive was +touched. He drew pictures of power, and affluence, and domestic love, +that dazzled the imagination of his hearer; and while the prisoner +thought of his Isabelle, instead of rejecting the impious proposal, as at +first he had done, with disdain and horror, his soul bent like iron in +the breath of the furnace flame, and he wavered and became irresolute. +The keen eye of the Caliph saw the working of his spirit within him, and +allowed him yet another day to form his resolution. When the second day +was expired, Demetrius craved a third; and on the fourth morning, +miserable man, he abjured the faith of his fathers, and became a +Mussulman. + +Abubeker loved the youth, assigning him a post of dignity, and all the +mighty host honoured him whom the Caliph delighted to honour. He was +clad in rich attire, and magnificently attended, and, to all eyes, +Demetrius seemed a person worthy of envy; yet, in the calm of thought, +his conscience upbraided him, and he was far less happy than he seemed to +be. + +Ere yet the glow of novelty had entirely ceased to bewilder the +understanding of the renegade, preparations were made for the assault; +and after a fierce but ineffectual resistance under their gallant leaders +Thomas and Herbis, the Damascenes were obliged to submit to their +imperious conqueror, on condition of being allowed, within three days, to +leave the city unmolested. + +When the gates were opened, Demetrius, with a heart over-flowing with +love and delight, was among the first to enter. He enquired of every one +he met of the fate of Isabelle; but all turned from him with disgust. At +length he found her out, but what was his grief and surprise--in a +nunnery! Firm to the troth she had so solemnly plighted, she had +rejected the proposition of her mercenary parent; and, having no idea but +that her lover had shared the fate of all Christian captives, she had +shut herself up from the world, and vowed to live the life of a vestal. + +The surprise, the anguish, the horror of Isabelle, when she beheld +Demetrius in his Moslem habiliments, cannot be described. Her first +impulse, on finding him yet alive, was to have fallen into his arms; but, +instantly collecting herself, she shrunk back from him with loathing, as +a mean and paltry dastard. "No, no," she cried, "you are no longer the +man I loved; our vows of fidelity were pledged over the Bible; that book +you have renounced as a fable; and he who has proved himself false to +Heaven, can never be true to me!" + +Demetrius was conscience-struck; too late he felt his crime, and foresaw +its consequences. The very object for whom he had dared to make the +tremendous sacrifice had deserted him, and his own soul told him with how +much justice; so, without uttering a syllable, he turned away, +heart-broken, from the holy and beautiful being whose affections he had +forfeited for ever. + +When the patriots left Damascus, Isabelle accompanied them. Retiring to +Antioch, she lived with the sisterhood for many years; and, as her time +was passed between acts of charity and devotion, her bier was watered +with many a tear, and the hands of the grateful duly strewed her grave +with flowers. To Demetrius was destined a briefer career. All-conscious +of his miserable degradation, loathing himself, and life, and mankind, he +rushed back from the city into the Mahomedan camp; and entering, with a +hurried step, the tent of the Caliph, he tore the turban from his brow, +and cried aloud--"Oh, Abubeker! behold a God-forsaken wretch. Think not +it was the fear of death that led me to abjure my religion--the religion +of my fathers--the only true faith. No; it was the idol of Love that +stood between my heart and heaven, darkening the latter with its shadow; +and had I remained as true to God as I did to the Maiden of my love, I +had not needed this." So saying, and ere the hand of Abubeker could +arrest him, he drew a poniard from his embroidered vest, and the heart- +blood of the renegade spouted on the royal robes of the successor of +Mahomet. + +* * * * * + +So grandly had James spooted this bloody story, that notwithstanding my +sleepiness, his words whiles dirled through my marrow like quicksilver, +and set all my flesh a grueing. In the middle of it, he was himself so +worked up, that twice he pulled his Kilmarnock from his head, +silk-napkin, bandage and all, and threw them down with a thump on the +table, which once wellnigh capsized the candlestick. + +The porter and the stabbing, also, very nearly put me beside myself; and +I felt so queerish and eerie when I took my hat to wish him a +good-night--knowing that baith Nanse and Benjie would be neither to hold +nor bind, it being now half-past ten o'clock--that, had it not been for +the shame of the thing, and that I remembered being one of the King's +gallant volunteers, I fear I would have asked James for the lend of his +lantern, to show me down the dark close. + +The reader will thus perceive that the adventure of the killing-coat, +stuck alike in the measurement and in the making by Tammie Bodkin, was +destined, in the great current of human events, to form a prominent +feature, not only in my own history, but in that of worthy James Batter. +To me it might be considered as a passing breeze--having been accustomed +to see and suffer a vast deal; but my friend, I fear much, will bear +marks of it to his grave. Yet I cannot blame myself with a safe +conscience for James having fallen the victim to Cursecowl. I had tried +every thing to solder up matters which the heart of man could suggest; +and knowing that it was a catastrophe which would bring down open war and +rebellion throughout the whole parish, my thoughts were all of peace, and +how to stave off the eruption of the bloody heathen. I had thought over +the thing seriously in my bed; and, reckoning plainly that Cursecowl was +not one likely soon to hold out a flag of truce, I had come to the +determination within myself to sound a parley--and offer either to take +back the coat or refund part of the purchase-money. I may add, that +having an unbounded regard for his judgment and discretion, I had, in my +own mind, selected James Batter to be sent as the ambassador. The same +day, however, brought round the extraordinary purchase of the +Willie-goat's head, and gave a new and unexpected turn to the whole +business. + +Folk, moreover, should never be so over-proud as not to confess when they +are in fault; and from what happened, I am free to admit, that James, +harmless as a sucking dove, was no match in such a matter for the like of +Cursecowl, who was a perfect incarnation, for devilry and cunning, of the +old Serpent himself. + +My intentions, however, were good, and those of a Christian; for, had +Cursecowl accepted the ten shillings by way of blood-money, which it was +thus my intention to have offered, this fearful and bloody stramash would +have been hushed up without the world having become a whit the wiser. But +"there is many a slip," as the proverb says, "between the cup and the +lip;" and the best intentions often fall to the ground, like the +beggarman between the two stools. + +The final conclusion of the whole tragedy was, as it behoves me to +mention, that Cursecowl, in consideration of a month's gratis work in the +slaughter-house, made a brotherly legacy of the coat to his nephew, young +Killim. The laddie was a perfect world's wonder every Sunday, and would +have been laughed at out of his seven senses, had he not at last rebelled +and fairly thrown it off. I make every allowance for the young man; and +am sorry to confess that it was indeed a perfect shame to be seen. At +Dalkeith, where one is well known, any thing may pass; but I was always +in bodily terror, that, had he gone to Edinburgh, he would have been +taken up by the police, on suspicion of being either a Spanish pawtriot +or a highway robber. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV.--A PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE. + + + They steeked doors, they steeked yetts, + Close to the cheek and chin; + They steeked them a' but a wee wicket, + And Lammikin crap in. + + _Ballad of the Lammikin_. + + Hame cam our gudeman at een, + And hame cam he; + And there he spied a man + Where a man shouldna be. + Hoo cam this man, kimmer, + And who can it be; + Hoo cam this carle here, + Without the leave o' me? + + _Old Song_. + +Years wore on after the departure and death of poor Mungo Glen, during +the which I had a sowd of prentices, good, bad, and indifferent, and who +afterwards cut, and are cutting, a variety of figures in the world. +Sometimes I had two or three at a time; for the increase of business that +flowed in upon me with a full stream was tremendous, enabling me--who say +it that should not say it--to lay by a wheen bawbees for a sore head, or +the frailties of old age. Somehow or other, the clothes made on my +shopboard came into great vogue through all Dalkeith, both for neatness +of shape and nicety of workmanship; and the young journeymen of other +masters did not think themselves perfected, or worthy a decent wage, till +they had crooked their houghs for three months in my service. With +regard to myself, some of my acquaintances told me, that if I had gone +into Edinburgh to push my fortune, I could have cut half the trade out of +bread, and maybe risen, in the course of nature, to be Lord Provost +himself; but I just heard them speak, and kept my wheisht. I never was +overly ambitious; and I remembered how proud Nebuchadnaazer ended with +eating grass on all-fours. Every man has a right to be the best judge of +his own private matters; though, to be sure, the advice of a true friend +is often more precious than rubies, and sweeter than the Balm of Gilead. + +It was about the month of March, in the year of grace _anno Domini_ +eighteen hundred, that the whole country trembled, like a giant ill of +the ague, under the consternation of Buonaparte, and all the French +vagabonds emigrating over, and landing in the Firth. Keep us all! the +folk, doitit bodies, put less confidence than became them in what our +volunteer regiments were able and willing to do; yet we had a remnant +among us of the true blood, that with loud laughter laughed the creatures +to scorn; and I, for one, kept up my pluck, like a true Highlander. Does +any living soul believe that Scotland--the land of the Tweed, and the +Clyde, and the Tay--could be conquered, and the like of us sold, like +Egyptian slaves, into captivity? Fie, fie--I despise such haivers. Are +we not descended, father and son, from Robert Bruce and Sir William +Wallace, having the bright blood of freemen in our veins, and the +Pentland Hills, as well as our own dear homes and firesides, to fight +for? The rascal that would not give cut-and-thrust for his country as +long as he had a breath to draw, or a leg to stand on, should be tied +neck and heels, without benefit of clergy, and thrown over Leith pier, to +swim for his life like a mangy dog! + +Hard doubtless it is--and I freely confess it--to be called by sound of +bugle, or tuck of drum, from the counter and the shop-board--men, that +have been born and bred to peaceful callings, to mount the red-jacket, +soap the hair, buckle on the buff-belt, load with ball-cartridge, and +screw bayonets; but it's no use talking. We were ever the free British; +and before we would say to Frenchmen that we were their humble servants, +we would either twist the very noses off their faces, or perish in the +glorious struggle. + +It was aye the opinion of the Political folk, the Whigs, the Black-nebs, +the Radicals, the Papists, and the Friends of the People, together with +the rest of the clan-jamphrey, that it was a done battle, and that +Buonaparte would lick us back and side. All this was in the heart and +heat of the great war, when we were struggling, like drowning men, for +our very life and existence, and when our colours--the true British +flag--were nailed to the mast-head. One would have thought these rips +were a set of prophets, they were all so busy prophesying, and never any +thing good. They kent (believe them) that we were to be smote hip and +thigh; and that to oppose the vile Corsican was like men with +strait-jackets out of Bedlam. They could see nothing brewing around them +but death, and disaster, and desolation, and pillage, and national +bankruptcy--our brave Highlanders, with their heads shot off, lying on +the bloody field of battle, all slaughtered to a man; our sailors, +handcuffed and shackled, musing in a French prison on the bypast days of +Camperdown, and of Lord Rodney breaking through the line; with all their +fleets sunk to the bottom of the salt sea, after being raked fore and aft +with chain-shot; and our timber, sugar, tea and treacle merchants, all +fleeing for safety and succour down to lodgings in the Abbey Strand, with +a yellow stocking on the ae leg and a black one on the other, like a +wheen mountebanks. Little could they foresee, with their spentacles of +prophecy, that a battle of Waterloo would ever be fought, to make the +confounded fugies draw in their horns, and steek up their scraighing gabs +for ever. Poor fushionless creatures! + +I do not pretend to be a politician,--having been bred to the tailoring +line syne ever I was a callant, and not seeing the Adverteezer +Newspapers, or the Edinburgh Evening Courant, save and except at an orra +time,--so I shall say no more, nor pretend to be one of the thousand-and- +one wise men, able and willing to direct his Majesty's Ministers on all +matters of importance regarding Church or State. One thing, howsoever, I +trust I ken, and that is, my duty to my King as his loyal subject, to old +Scotland as her unworthy son, and to my family as their prop, support, +and breadwinner;--so I shall stick to all three (under Heaven) as long as +I have a drop of blood in my precious veins. But the truth is--and I +will let it out and shame the de'il--that I could not help making these +general observations, (as Maister Wiggie calls the spiritualeezing of his +discourses,) as what I have to relate might well make my principles +suspected, were they not known to all the world to be as firm as the +foundations of the Bass Rock. Ye shall nevertheless judge for +yourselves. + +It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the weather being rawish +and rainy, with sharp frosty nights that left all the window-soles +whitewashed over with frost rind in the mornings, that as I was going out +in the dark, before lying down in my bed, to give a look into the hen- +house, and lock the coal-cellar, so that I might hang the bit key on the +nail behind our room window-shutter, I happened to give a keek in, and, +lo and behold! the awful apparition of a man with a yellow jacket, lying +sound asleep on a great lump of parrot-coal in a corner! + +In the first hurry of my terror and surprise, at seeing a man with a +yellow jacket and a green foraging cap in such a situation, I was like to +drop the good twopenny candle, and faint clean away; but, coming to +myself in a jiffie, I determined, in case it might be a highway robber, +to thraw about the key, and, running up for the firelock, shoot him +through the head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round the +key, the lock, being in want of a feather of oil, made a noise, and +wakened the poor wretch, who, jumping to the soles of his feet in +despair, cried out in a voice that was like to break my heart, though I +could not make out one word of his paraphernally. It minded me, by all +the world, of a wheen cats fuffing and fighting through ither, and whiles +something that sounded like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord," and "dabble +dabble." It was worse than the most outrageous Gaelic ever spoken in the +height of passion by a Hieland shearer. + +"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from your lingo, +that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence you're a Frenchy. Who +kens, keep us all, but ye may be Buonaparte himself in disguise, come +over in a flat-bottomed boat to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye may +just rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's morning." + +It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a man in the course +of his lifetime, to find Mounseer from Paris in his coal-neuk, and have +the enemy of his country snug under lock and key; so, while he kept +rampauging, fuffing, stamping, and _diabbling_ away, I went in and +brought out Benjie, with a blanket rowed round him, and my journeyman, +Tommy Staytape--who, being an orphan, I made a kind of parlour-boarder +of, he sleeping on a shake-down beyond the kitchen fire--to hold a +consultation, and be witness of the transaction. + +I got my musket, and Tommy Staytape armed himself with the goose--a +deadly weapon, whoever may get a clour with it--and Benjie took the poker +in one hand, and the tongs in the other; and out we all marched briskly, +to make the Frenchman, that was locked up from the light of day in the +coal-house, surrender. After hearkening at the door for a while, and +finding all quiet, we gave a knock to rouse him up, and see if we could +bring any thing out of him by speering cross-questions. Tommy and Benjie +trembled from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could we +make common sense of at all. I wonder who educates these foreign +creatures? it was in vain to follow him, for he just gab-gabbled away, +like one of the stone masons at the Tower of Babel. At first I was +completely bamboozled, and almost dung stupid, though I kent one word of +French which I wanted to put to him, so I cried through, "Canna you speak +Scotcha, Mounseer?" + +He had not the politeness to stop and make answer, but just went on with +his string of haivers, without either rhyme or reason, which we could +make neither top, tail, nor main of. + +It was a sore trial to us all, putting us to our wit's end, and how to +come on was past all visible comprehension; when Tommy Staytape, giving +his elbow a rub, said, "Od, maister, I wager something that he's broken +loose frae Penicuik. We have him like a rotten in a fa'." + +On Penicuik being mentioned, we heard the foreign creature in the coal- +house groaning out, "och," and "ochone," and "parbleu," and "Mysie +Rabble,"--that I fancy was his sweetheart at home, some bit French quean, +that wondered he was never like to come from the wars and marry her. I +thought on this, for his voice was mournful, though I could not +understand the words; and kenning he was a stranger in a far land, my +bowels yearned within me with compassion towards him. + +I would have given half-a-crown at that blessed moment to have been able +to wash my hands free of him; but I swithered, and was like the cuddie +between the two bundles of hay. At long and last a thought struck me, +which was to give the deluded simple creature a chance of escape; +reckoning that, if he found his way home, he would see the shame and +folly of fighting against us any more; and, marrying Mysie Rabble, live a +contented and peaceful life, under his own fig and bay tree. So wishing +him a sound sleep, I cried through the door, "Mounseer, gooda nighta;" +decoying away Benjie and Tommy Staytape into the house. Bidding them +depart to their beds, I said to them after shutting the door, "Now, +callants, we have the precious life of a fellow-creature in our hand, and +to account for. Though he has a yellow jacket on, and speaks nonsense, +yet, nevertheless, he is of the same flesh and blood as ourselves. Maybe +we may be all obliged to wear green foraging-caps before we die yet! +Mention what we have seen or heard to no living soul; for maybe, if he +were to escape, we would be all taken up on suspicion of being spies, and +hanged on a gallows as high as Haman."--After giving them this wholesome +advice, I dispatched them to their beds like lamplighters, binding them +to never fash their thumbs, but sleep like tops, as I would keep a sharp +look-out till morning. + +As soon, howsoever, as I heard them sleeping, and playing on the pipes +through their noses, I cried first "Tommy," and syne "Benjie," to be +sure; and, glad to receive no answer from either, I went to the aumrie +and took out a mutton-bone, gey sair pyked, but fleshy enough at the +mouse end; and, putting a penny row beside it, crap out to the coal-house +on my tiptaes. All was quiet as pussie,--so I shot them through the hole +at the corner made for letting the gaislings in by; and giving a tirl, +cried softly through, "Halloa, Mounseer, there's your suppera fora youa; +for I dara saya you are yauppa." + +The poor chiel commenced again to grunt and grane, and groan and yelp, +and cry ochone;--and make such woful lamentations, that heart of man +could not stand it; and I found the warm tears prap-prapping to my een. +Before being put to this trial of my strength, I thought that, if ever it +was my fortune to foregather with a Frenchman, either him or me should do +or die; but, i'fegs, one should not crack so crouse before they are put +to the test; and, though I had taken a prisoner without fighting at +all--though he had come into the coal-hole of the Philistines of his own +accord as it were, and was as safe as the spy in the house of Rahab at +Jericho--and though we had him like a mouse beneath a firlet, snug under +custody of lock and key, yet I considered within myself, with a pitiful +consideration, that, although he could not speak well, he might yet feel +deeply, that he might have a father and mother, and sisters and brothers, +in his ain country, weeping and wearying for his return; and that his +truelove Mysie Rabble might pine away like a snapped flower, and die of a +broken heart. + +Being a volunteer, and so one of his Majesty's confidential servants, I +swithered tremendously between my duty as a man and a soldier; but, do +what you like, nature will aye be uppermost. The scale weighed down to +the side of pity. I hearkened to the scripture that promises a blessing +to the merciful in heart; and determined, come of it what would, to let +the Frenchy take his chance of falling into other hands. + +Having given him a due allowance by looking at my watch, and thinking he +would have had enough of time to have taken his will of the mutton-bone +in the way of pyking, I went to the press and brought out a bottle of +swipes, which I also shoved through the hole; although, for lack of a +tanker, there being none at hand, he would be obliged to lift it to his +head, and do his best. To show the creature did not want sense, he +shoved, when he was done, the empty plate and the toom bottle through +beneath the door, mumbling some trash or other which no living creature +could comprehend, but which I dare say, from the way it was said, was the +telling me how much he was obliged for his supper and poor lodging. From +my kindness towards him, he grew more composed; but as he went back to +the corner to lie down, I heard him give two-three heavy sighs.--I could +not thole't, mortal foe though the man was of mine; so I gave the key a +canny thraw round in the lock, as it were by chance; and, wishing him a +good-night, went to my bed beside Nanse. + +At the dawn of day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tommy Staytape, keen of the +ploy, were up and astir, as anxious as if their life depended on it, to +see that all was safe and snug, and that the prisoner had not shot the +lock. They agreed to march sentry over him half an hour the piece, time +about, the one stretching himself out on a stool beside the kitchen fire, +by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other went to and fro +like the ticker of a clock. I dare say they saw themselves marching him +after breakfast time, with his yellow jacket, through a mob of weans with +glowering een and gaping mouths, up to the Tolbooth. + +The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing. "We'll draw +cuts," said Benjie, "which is to walk sentry first; see, here's two +straws, the longest gets the choice."--"I've won," cried Tommy; "so gang +you in a while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beat leather- +ty-patch wi' my buckles on the back-door. But we had better see first +what he is about, for he may be howking a hole through aneath the +foundations; thae fiefs can work like moudiwarts."--"I'll slip forret," +said Benjie, "and gie a peep."--"Keep to a side," cried Tommy Staytape, +"for, dog on it, Moosey'll maybe hae a pistol; and, if his birse be up, +he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a red herring, than I +would do of taking my breakfast." + +"I'll rin past, and gie a knock at the door wi' the poker to rouse him +up?" asked Benjie. + +"Come away then," answered Tommy, "and ye'll hear him gie a yowl, and +commence gabbling like a goose." + +As all this was going on, I rose and took a vizzy between the chinks of +the window-shutters; so, just as I got my neb to the hole, I saw Benjie, +as he flew past, give the door a drive. His consternation, on finding it +flee half open, may be easier imagined than described; especially, as on +the door dunting to again, it being soople in the hinges, they both +plainly heard a fistling within. Neither of them ever got such a fleg +since they were born; for expecting the Frenchman to bounce out like a +roaring lion, they hurried like mad into the house, couping the creels +over one another, Tommy spraining his thumb against the back-door, and +Benjie's foot going into Tommy's coat-pocket, which it carried away with +it, like a cloth-sandal. + +At the noise of this stramash, I took opportunity to come fleeing down +the stair, with the gun in my hand; in the first place, to show them I +was not frightened to handle fire-arms; and, in the second, making +pretence that I thought it was Mounseer with his green foraging-cap +making an attempt at housebreaking. Benjie was in a terrible pickle; +and, though his nose was blooding with the drive he had come against +Tommy's teeth, he took hold of my arm like grim death, crying, "Take +tent, faither, take tent; the door is open, and the Penicuiker hiding +himself behind it. He'll brain some of us with a lump of coal--and will +he!" + +I jealoused at once that this was nonsense; judging that, by all means of +rationality, the creature would be off and away like lightning to the sea- +shore, and over to France in some honest man's fishing-boat, down by at +Fisherrow; but, to throw stoure in the een of the two callants, I loaded +with a wheen draps in their presence; and, warily priming the pan, went +forward with the piece at full-cock. + +Tommy and Benjie came behind me, while, pushing the door wide open with +the muzzle, as I held my finger at the tricker, I cried, "Stand or be +shot;" when young Cursecowl's big ugly mastiff-dog, with the bare mutton +bone in its teeth, bolted through between my legs like a fury, and with +such a force as to heel me over on the braid of my back, while I went a +dunt on the causey that made the gun go off, and riddled Nanse's best +washing-tub in a manner that laid it on the superannuated list as to the +matter of holding in water. The goose that was sitting on her eggs, +among clean straw, in the inside of it, was also rendered a lameter for +life. + +What became of the French vagrant was never seen or heard tell of from +that day to this. Maybe he was catched, and, tied neck and heels, +hurried back to Penicuik as fast as he left it; or maybe--as one of the +Fisherrow oyster-boats was amissing next morning--he succeeded in giving +our brave fleets the slip, and rowing night and day against wind and +tide, got home in a safe skin: but this is all matter of surmise--nobody +kens. + +On making search in the coal-house at our leisure afterwards, we found a +boxful of things with black dots on them, some with one, some with two, +and four, and six, and so on, for playing at an outlandish game they call +the dominoes. It was the handiwork of the poor French creature, that had +no other Christian employment but making these and suchlike, out of sheep- +shanks and marrow-bones. I never liked gambling all my life, it being +contrary to the Ten Commandments; and mind of putting on the back of the +fire the old pack of cards, with the Jack of Trumps among them, that the +deboshed journeymen tailors, in the shop with me in the Grassmarket, used +to play birkie with when the maister's back was turned. This is the +first time I have acknowledged the transaction to a living soul; had they +found me out at the time, my life would not have been worth a pinch of +snuff. But as to the dominoes, considering that the Frenchy must have +left them as a token of gratitude, and as the only payment in his power +for a bit comfortable supper, it behoved me--for so I thought--not to +turn the wrong side of my face altogether on his present, as that would +be unmannerly towards a poor stranger. + +Nevertheless, and notwithstanding all these reasons, the dominoes, after +every thing that can be said of good anent them, were a black sight, and +for months and months produced a scene of riot and idleness after working +hours, that went far to render our housie, that was before a picture of +decorum and decency, a tabernacle of confusion, and a hell upon earth. +Whenever time for stopping work came about, down we regularly all sat, +night after night, the wife, Benjie, Tommy Staytape, and myself, playing +for a ha'penny the game, and growing as anxious, fierce, and keen about +it, as if we had been earning the bread of life. After two or three +months' trial, I saw that it would never do, for all subordination was +fast coming to an end in our bit house, and, for lack of looking after, a +great number of small accounts for clouting elbows, piecing waistcoats, +and mending leggins, remained unpaid; a great number of wauf customers +crowding about us, by way of giving us their change, but with no +intention of ever paying a single fraction. The wife, that used to keep +every thing bein and snug, behaving herself like the sober mother of a +family, began to funk on being taken through hands, and grew obstrapulous +with her tongue. Instead of following my directions--who was his born +maister in the cutting and shaping line--Tommy Staytape pretended to set +up a judgment of his own, and disfigured some ploughmen's jackets in a +manner most hideous to behold; while, to crown all, even Absalom, the +very callant Benjie, my only bairn, had the impudence to contradict me +more than once, and began to think himself as clever as his father. Save +us all! it was a terrible business, but I determined, come what would, to +give it the finishing stitch. + +Every night being worse than another, I did not wait long for an +opportunity of letting the whole of them ken my mind, and that, whenever +I chose, I could make them wheel to the right about. So it chanced, as +we were playing, that I was in prime luck, first rooking the one and syne +the other, and I saw them twisting and screwing their mouths about as if +they were chewing bitter aloes. Finding that they were on the point of +being beaten roop and stoop, they all three rose up from the chairs, +crying with one voice, that I was a cheat.--An elder of Maister Wiggie's +kirk to be called a cheat! Most awful!!! Flesh and blood could not +stand it, more especially when I thought on who had dared to presume to +call me such; so, in a whirlwind of fury, I swept up two nievefuls of +dominoes off the table, and made them flee into the bleezing fire; where, +after fizzing and cracking like a wheen squeebs, the whole tot, except +about half-a-dozen which fell into the porritch-pot, which was on boiling +at the time, were reduced to a heap of grey aizles. I soon showed them +who was the top of the tree, and what they were likely to make of +undutiful rebellion. + +So much for a Mounseer's legacy; being in a kind of doubt whether, +according to the Riot Act and the Articles of War, I had a clear +conscience in letting him away, I could not expect that any favour +granted at his hands was likely to prosper. In fighting, it is well kent +to themselves and all the world, that they have no earthly chance with +us; so they are reduced to the necessity of doing what they can, by +coming to our firesides in sheep's clothing, and throwing ram-pushion +among the family broth. They had better take care that they do not get +their fingers scadded. + +Having given the dominoes their due, and washed my hands free of gambling +I trust for evermore, I turned myself to a better business, which was the +going, leaf by leaf, back through our bit day-book, where I found a +tremendous sowd of wee outstanding debts. I daresay, not to tell a lee, +there were fifty of them, from a shilling to eighteenpence, and so on; +but small and small, reckoned up by simple addition, amount to a round +sum; while, to add to the misery of the matter, I found we were +entangling ourselves to work to a wheen ugly customers, skemps that had +not wherewithal to pay lawful debts, and downright rascals, raggamuffins, +and ne'er-do-weels. According to the articles of indenture drawn up +between me and Tommy Staytape, by Rory Sneckdrawer the penny-writer, when +he was bound a prentice to me for seven years, I had engaged myself to +bring him up to be a man of business. Though now a journeyman, I +reckoned the obligation still binding; so, tying up two dockets of +accounts with a piece of twine, I gave one parcel to Tommy, and the other +to Benjie, telling them, by way of encouragement, that I would give them +a penny the pound for what silver they could bring me in by hook or +crook. + +After three days' toil and trouble, wherein they mostly wore their shoon +off their feet, going first up one close and syne down another, up trap- +stairs to garrets and ben long trances that led into dirty holes--what +think ye did they collect? Not one bodle--not one coin of copper! This +one was out of work;--and that one had his house-rent to pay;--and a +third one had an income in his nose;--and a fourth was bedridden with +rheumatics;--and a fifth one's mother's auntie's cousin was dead;--and a +sixth one's good-brother's nevoy was going to be married come +Martymas;--and a seventh one was away to the back of beyond to see his +granny in the Hielands;--and so on. It was a terrible business, but what +wool can ye get by clipping swine? + +The only rational answers I got were two; one of them, Geggie Trotter, a +natural simpleton, told Tommy Staytape, "that, for part-payment, he would +give me a prime leg of mutton, as he had killed his sow last week."--And +what, said I to Benjie, did Jacob Truff the gravedigger tell ye by way of +news? "He just bad me tell ye, faither, that hoo could ye expect he +cou'd gie ye onything till the times grew better; as he hadna buried a +living soul in the kirkyard for mair nor a fortnight." + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI.--BENJIE ON THE CARPET. + + + It's no in titles, nor in rank-- + It's no in wealth, like Lon'on bank, + To purchase peace and rest; + It's no in making muckle _mair_-- + It's no in books--it's no in lear, + To make us truly blest. + + BURNS. + +It is a most wonderful thing to the eye of a philosopher, to make +observation how youth gets up, notwithstanding all the dunts and tumbles +of infancy--to say nothing of the spaining-brash and the teeth-cutting; +and to behold the visible changes that the course of a few years +produces. Keep us all! it seemed but yesterday to me, when Benjie, a wee +bit smout of a wean, with long linty locks and docked petticoats, toddled +but and ben, with a coral gumstick tied round his waist with a bit +knitten; and now, after he had been at Dominie Threshem's for four years, +he had learned to read Barrie's Collection almost as well as the master +could do for his lugs; and was up to all manner of accounts, from simple +addition and the multiplication-table, even to vulgar fractions, and all +the lave of them. + +At the yearly examination of the school-room by the Presbytery and +Maister Wiggie, he aye sat at the head of the form, and never failed +getting a clap on the head and a wheen carvies. They that are fathers +will not wonder that this made me as proud as a peacock; but when they +asked his name, and found whose son he was, then the matter seemed to +cease being a business of wonder, as nobody could suppose that an only +bairn, born to me in lawful wedlock, could be a dult. Folk's +cleverness--at least I should think so--lies in their pows; and, that +allowed, Benjie's was a gey droll one, being of the most remarkable sort +of a shape ye ever saw; but, what is more to the purpose both here and +hereafter, he was a real good-hearted callant, though as gleg as a hawk +and as sharp as a needle. Everybody that had the smallest gumption +prophesied that he would be a real clever one; nor could we grudge that +we took pains in his rearing--he having been like a sucking-turkey, or a +hot-house plant from far away, delicate in the constitution--when we saw +that the debt was likely to be paid with bank-interest, and that, by his +uncommon cleverality, the callant was to be a credit to our family. + +Many and long were the debates between his fond mother and me, what trade +we would breed him up to--for the matter now became serious, Benjie being +in his thirteenth year; and, though a wee bowed in the near leg, from a +suppleness about his knee-joint, nevertheless as active as a hatter, and +fit for any calling whatsoever under the sun. One thing I had determined +in my own mind, and that was, that he should never with my will go +abroad. The gentry are no doubt philosophers enough to bring up their +bairns like sheep to the slaughter, and dispatch them as cadies to Bengal +and the Cape of Good Hope, as soon as they are grown up; when, lo and +behold! the first news they hear of them is in a letter, sealed with +black wax, telling how they died of the liver complaint, and were buried +by six blacks two hours after. + +That was one thing settled and sealed, so no more need be said about it; +yet, notwithstanding of Nanse's being satisfied that the spaewife was a +deceitful gipsy, perfectly untrustworthy, she would aye have a finger in +the pie, and try to persuade me in a coaxing way. "I'm sure," she would +say, "ane with half an e'e may see that our son Benjie has just the +physog of an admiral. It's a great shame contradicting nature." + +"Po, po," answered I, "woman, ye dinna ken what ye're saying. Do ye +imagine that, if he were made a sea-admiral, we could ever live to have +any comfort in the son of our bosom? Would he not, think ye, be obliged +with his ship to sail the salt seas, through foul weather and fair; and, +when he met the French, to fight, hack, and hew them down, lith and limb, +with grape-shot and cutlass; till some unfortunate day or other, after +having lost a leg and an arm in the service, he is felled as dead as a +door-nail, with a cut and thrust over the crown, by some furious rascal +that saw he was off his guard, glowring with his blind e'e another +way?--Ye speak havers, Nanse; what are all the honours of this world +worth? No worth this pinch of snuff I have between my finger and +thumb--no worth a bodle, if we never saw our Benjie again, but he was aye +ranging and rampauging far abroad, shedding human blood; and when we +could only aye dream about him in our sleep, as one that was wandering +night and day blindfold, down the long, dark, lampless avenue of +destruction, and destined never more to visit Dalkeith again, except with +a wooden stump and a brass virl, or to have his head blown off his +shoulders, mast high, like ingan peelings, with some exploding earthquake +of combustible gunpowder.--Call in the laddie, I say, and see what he +would like to be himsell." + +Nanse ran but the house, and straightway brought Benjie, who was playing +at the bools, ben by the lug and horn. I had got a glass, so my spirit +was up. "Stand there," I said; "Benjie, look me in the face, and tell me +what trade ye would like to be." + +"Trade?" answered Benjie; "I would like to be a gentleman." + +Dog on it, it was more than I could thole, and I saw that his mother had +spoiled him; so, though I aye liked to give him wholesome reproof rather +than lift my fist, I broke through this rule in a couple of hurries, and +gave him such a yerk in the cheek with the loof of my hand, as made, I am +sure, his lugs ring, and sent him dozing to the door like a peerie. + +"Ye see that," said I, as the laddie went ben the house whingeing; "ye +see what a kettle of fish ye have made o't?" + +"Weel, weel," answered Nanse, a wee startled by my strong, decisive way +of managing, "ye ken best, and, I fancy, maun tak' the matter your ain +way. But ye can have no earthly objection to making him a lawer's +advocatt?" + +"I wad see him hanged first," answered I. "What! do you imagine I would +set a son of mine to be a sherry-offisher, ganging about rampauging +through the country, taking up fiefs and robbers, and suspicious +characters with wauf looks and waur claes; exposed to all manner of evil +communication from bad company, in the way of business; and rouping out +puir creatures that cannot find wherewithal to pay their lawful debts, at +the Cross, by warrant of the Sherry, with an auld chair in ae hand and an +eevery hammer in the ither? Siccan a sight wad be the death o' me." + +"What think ye then of the preaching line?" asked Nanse. + +"The preaching line!" quo' I--"No, no, that'll never do. Not that I want +respect for ministers, who are the servants of the Most High; but the +truth is, that unless ye have great friends and patronage of the like of +the Duke down by, or the Marquis of Lothian up by, or suchlike, ye may +preach yoursell as hoarse as a corbie, from June to January, before ony +body will say, 'Hae, puir man, there's a kirk.' And if no kirk casts +up--which is more nor likely--what can a young probationer turn his hand +to? He has learned no trade, so he can neither work nor want. He daurna +dig nor delve, even though he were able, or he would be hauled by the +cuff of the neck before his betters in the General Assembly, for having +the impudence to go for to be so bold as dishonour the cloth; and though +he may get his bit orra half-a-guinea whiles, for holding forth in some +bit country kirk, to a wheen shepherds and their dogs, when the minister +himself, staring with the fat of good living and little work, is lying +ill of a bile fever, or has the gout in his muckle toe, yet he has aye +the miseries of uncertainty to encounter; his coat grows bare in the +cuffs, greasy in the neck, and brown between the shouthers; his jawbones +get long and lank, his een sunk, and his head grey wi' vexation, and what +the wise Solomon calls 'hope deferred;' so at long and last, friendless +and penniless, he takes the incurable complaint of a broken heart, and is +buried out of the gate, in some bit strange corner of the kirkyard." + +"Stop, stop, gudeman," cried Nanse, half greeting, "that's an awfu' +business; but I daresay it's owre true. But mightna we breed him a +doctor? It seems they have unco profits; and, as he's sae clever, he +might come to be a graduit." + +"Doctor!" answered I--"Keh, keh, let that flee stick i' the wa'; it's a' +ye ken about it. If ye was only aware of what doctors had to do and see, +between dwining weans and crying wives, ye would have thought twice +before ye let that out. How do ye think our callant has a heart within +him to look at folk blooding like sheep, or to sew up cutted throats with +a silver needle and silk thread, as I would stitch a pair of trowsers; or +to trepan out pieces of cloured skulls, filling up the hole with an iron +plate; and pull teeth, maybe the only ones left, out of auld women's +heads, and so on, to say nothing of rampauging with dark lanterns and +double-tweel dreadnoughts, about gousty kirkyards, among humlock and long +nettles, the haill night over, like spunkie--shoving the dead corpses, +winding-sheets and all, into corn-sacks, and boiling their bones, after +they have dissected all the red flesh off them, into a big caudron, to +get out the marrow to make drogs of?" + +"Eh, stop, stop, Mansie!" cried Nanse holding up her hands. + +"Na," continued I, "but it's a true bill--it's as true as ye are sitting +there. And do ye think that any earthly compensation, either gowpins of +gowd by way of fees, or yellow chariots to ride in, with a black servant +sticking up behind, like a sign over a tobacconist's door, can ever make +up for the loss of a man's having all his feelings seared to iron, and +his soul made into whinstone, yea, into the nether-millstone, by being +art and part in sic dark and devilish abominations? Go away wi' siccan +downright nonsense. Hearken to my words, Nanse, my dear. The happiest +man is he that can live quietly and soberly on the earnings of his +industry, pays his day and way, works not only to win the bread of life +for his wife and weans, but because he kens that idle-set is sinful; +keeps a pure heart towards God and man; and, caring not for the fashion +of this world, departs from it in the hope of going, through the merits +of his Redeemer, to a better." + +"Ye are right, after a'," said Nanse, giving me a pat on the shouther; +and finding who was her master as well as spouse--"I'll wad it become me +to gang for to gie advice to my betters. Tak' your will of the business, +gudeman; and if ye dinna mak' him an admiral, just mak' him what ye +like." + +Now is the time, thought I to myself, to carry my point, finding the +drappikie I had taken with Donald M'Naughton, in settling his account for +the green jacket, still working in my noddle, and giving me a power of +words equal to Mr Blouster, the Cameronian preacher,--now is the time, +for I still saw the unleavened pride of womankind wambling within her, +like a serpent that has got a knock on the pow, and been cast down but +not destroyed; so, taking a hearty snuff out of my box, and drawing it up +first one nostril, then another, syne dighting my finger and thumb on my +breek-knees, "What think ye," said I, "of a sweep? Were it not for +getting their faces blacked like savages, a sweep is not such a bad trade +after a'; though, to be sure, going down lums six stories high, +head-foremost, and landing upon the soles of their feet upon the hearth- +stone, like a kittlin, is no just so pleasant." Ye observe, it was only +to throw cold water on the unthrifty flame of a mother's pride that I +said this, and to pull down uppishness from its heathenish temple in the +heart, head-foremost. So I looked to her, to hear how she would come on. + +"Haivers, haivers," said Nanse, birsing up like a cat before a colley. +"Sweep, say ye? I would sooner send him up wi' Lunardi to the man of the +moon; or see him banished, shackled neck and heels, to Botany Bay." + +"A weel, a weel," answered I, "what notion have ye of the packman line? +We could fill his box with needles, and prins, and tape, and hanks of +worsted, and penny thimbles, at a small expense; and, putting a stick in +his hand, send him abroad into the wide world to push his fortune." + +The wife looked dumfoundered. Howsoever--"Or breed him a rowley-powley +man," continued I, "to trail about the country frequenting fairs; and +dozing thro' the streets selling penny cakes to weans, out of a basket +slung round the neck with a leather strap; and parliaments, and quality, +brown and white, and snaps well peppered, and gingerbread nits, and so +on. The trade is no a bad ane, if creatures would only learn to be +careful." + +"Mansie Wauch, Mansie Wauch, hae ye gane out o' yere wuts?" cried +Nanse--"are ye really serious?" + +I saw what I was about, so went on without pretending to mind her. "Or +what say ye to a penny-pie-man? I'fegs, it's a cozy birth, and ane that +gars the cappers birl down. What's the expense of a bit daigh, half an +ounce weight, pirled round wi' the knuckles into a case, and filled half +full o' salt and water, wi' twa or three nips o' braxy floating about +in't? Just naething ava;--and consider on a winter night, when +iceshockles are hinging from the tiles, and stomachs relish what is warm +and tasty, what a sale they can get, if they go about jingling their +little bell, and keep the genuine article! Then ye ken in the afternoon, +he can show that he has two strings to his bow; and have a wheen cookies, +either new baked for ladies' tea-parties, or the yesterday's auld +shopkeepers' het up i' the oven again--which is all to ae purpose." + +"Are ye really in your seven natural senses--or can I believe my ain een? +I could almost believe some warlock had thrown glamour into them," said +Nanse staring me broad in the face. + +"Take a good look, gudewife, for seeing's believing," quo' I; and then +continued, without drawing breath or bridle, at full birr-- + +"Or if the baking line does not please ye, what say ye to binding him +regularly to a man-cook? There he'll see life in all its variorums. Losh +keep us a', what an insight into the secrets of roasting, brandering, +frying, boiling, baking, and brewing--nicking of geese's craigs--hacking +the necks of dead chickens, and cutting out the tongues of leeving +turkeys! Then what a steaming o' fat soup in the nostrils; and siccan a +collection o' fine smells, as would persuade a man that he could fill his +stomach through his nose! No weather can reach such cattle: it may be a +storm of snow twenty feet deep, or an even-down pour of rain, washing the +very cats off the house tops; when a weaver is shivering at his loom, +with not a drop of blood at his finger nails, and a tailor like myself, +so numb with cauld, that instead of driving the needle through the +claith, he brogs it through his ain thumb--then, fient a hair care they; +but, standing beside a ranting, roaring, parrot-coal fire, in a white +apron and a gingham jacket, they pour sauce out of ae pan into another, +to suit the taste of my Lord this, and my Lady that, turning, by their +legerdemain, fish into fowl, and fowl into flesh; till, in the long run, +man, woman, and wean, a' chew and champ away, without kenning more what +they are eating than ye ken the day ye'll dee, or whether the Witch of +Endor wore a demity falderal, or a manco petticoat." + +"Weel," cried Nanse, half rising to go ben the house, "I'll sit nae +langer to hear ye gabbling nonsense like a magpie. Mak' Benjie what ye +like; but ye'll mak' me greet the een out o' my head." + +"Hooly and fairly," said I; "Nanse, sit still like a woman, and hear me +out;" so, giving her a pat on the shouther, she sat her ways down, and I +resumed my discourse. + +"Ye've heard, gudewife, from Benjie's own mouth, that he has made up his +mind to follow out the trade of a gentleman;--who has put such outrageous +notions in his head I'm sure I'll not pretend to guess at. Having never +myself been above daily bread, and constant work--when I could get it--I +dare not presume to speak from experience; but this I can say, from +having some acquaintances in the line, that, of all easy lives, commend +me to that of a gentleman's gentleman. It's true he's caa'd a flunky, +which does not sound quite the thing; but what of that? what's in a name? +pugh! it does not signify a bawbee--no, nor that pinch of snuff: for, if +we descend to particulars, we're all flunkies together, except his +Majesty on the throne.--Then William Pitt is his flunky--and half the +house of Commons are his flunkies, doing what he bids them, right or +wrong, and no daring to disobey orders, not for the hair in their +heads--then the Earl waits on my Lord Duke--Sir Something waits on my +Lord Somebody--and his tenant, Mr So-and-so, waits on him--and Mr So-and- +so has his butler--and the butler has his flunky--and the shoeblack +brushes the flunky's jacket--and so on. We all hang at one another's +tails like a rope of ingans--so ye observe, that any such objection in +the sight of a philosopher like our Benjie, would not weigh a straw's +weight. + +"Then consider, for a moment--just consider, gudewife--what company a +flunky is every day taken up with, standing behind the chairs, and +helping to clean plates and porter; and the manners he cannot help +learning, if he is in the smallest gleg in the uptake, so that, when out +of livery, it is the toss up of a halfpenny whether ye find out the +difference between the man and the master. He learns, in fact, every +thing. He learns French--he learns dancing in all its branches--he +learns how to give boots the finishing polish--he learns how to play at +cards, as if he had been born and bred an Earl--he learns, from pouring +the bottles, the names of every wine brewed abroad--he learns how to +brush a coat, so that, after six months' tear and wear, one without +spectacles would imagine it had only gotten the finishing stitch on the +Saturday night before; and he learns to play on the flute, and the +spinnet, and the piano, and the fiddle, and the bagpipes; and to sing all +manner of songs, and to skirl, full gallop, with such a pith and birr, +that though he was to lose his precious eyesight with the small-pox, or a +flash of forked lightning, or fall down a three-story stair dead drunk, +smash his legs to such a degree that both of them required to be cut off, +above the knees, half an hour after, so far all right and well--for he +could just tear off his shoulder-knot, and make a perfect fortune--in the +one case, in being led from door to door by a ragged laddie, with a +string at the button-hole, playing 'Ower the Border,' 'The Hen's March,' +'Donald M'Donald,' 'Jenny Nettles,' and such like grand tunes, on the +clarinet; or in the other case, being drawn from town to town, and from +door to door, on a hurdle, like a lord, harnessed to four dogs of all +colours, at the rate of two miles in the hour, exclusive of +stoppages--What say ye, gudewife?" + +Nanse gave a mournful look, as if she was frighted I had grown demented, +and only said, "Tak' your ain way, gudeman; ye'se get your ain way for +me, I fancy." + +Seeing her in this Christian state of resignation, I determined at once +to hit the nail on the head, and put an end to the whole business as I +intended. "Now, Nanse," quo' I, "to come to close quarters with ye, tell +me candidly and seriously what ye think of a barber? Every one must +allow it's a canny and cozy trade." + +"A barber that shaves beards!" said Nanse. "'Od, Mansie, ye're surely +gaun gyte. Ye're surely joking me all the time?" + +"Joking!" answered I, smoothing down my chin, which was gey an' +rough--"Joking here or joking there, I should not think the settling of +an only bairn in an honourable way of doing for all the days of his +natural life, is any joking business. Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, +woman. Barbers! i'fegs, to turn up your nose at barbers! did ever living +hear such nonsense! But to be sure, one can blame nobody if they speak +to the best of their experience. I've heard tell of barbers, woman, +about London, that rode up this street, and down that other street, in +coaches and four, jumping out to every one that hallooed to them, +sharping razors both on stone and strap, at the ransom of a penny the +pair; and shaving off men's beards, whiskers and all, stoop and roop, for +a three-ha'pence. Speak of barbers! it's all ye ken about it. Commend +me to a safe employment, and a profitable. They may give others a nick, +and draw blood, but catch them hurting themselves. They are not exposed +to colds and rheumatics, from east winds and rainy weather; for they sit, +in white aprons, plaiting hair into wigs for auld folks that have bell- +pows, or making false curls for ladies that would fain like to look smart +in the course of nature. And then they go from house to house, like +gentlemen in the morning; cracking with Maister this or Madam that, as +they soap their chins with scented-soap, or put their hair up in marching +order either for kirk or playhouse. Then at their leisure, when they're +not thraug at home, they can pare corns to the gentry, or give +ploughmen's heads the bicker-cut for a penny, and the hair into the +bargain for stuffing chairs with; and between us, who knows--many +rottener ship has come to land--but that some genty Miss, fond of plays, +poems, and novels, may fancy our Benjie when he is giving her red hair a +twist with the torturing irons, and run away with him, almost whether he +will or not, in a stound of unbearable love!" + +Here making an end of my discourse, and halting to draw breath, I looked +Nanse broad in the face, as much as to say, "Contradict me if ye daur," +and, "What think ye of that now?"--The man is not worth his lugs, that +allows his wife to be maister; and being by all laws, divine and human, +the head of the house, I aye made a rule of keeping my putt good. To be +candid, howsoever, I must take leave to confess, that Nanse, being a +reasonable woman, gave me but few opportunities of exerting my authority +in this way. As in other matters, she soon came, on reflection, to see +the propriety of what I had been saying and setting forth. Besides, she +had such a motherly affection towards our bit callant, that sending him +abroad would have been the death of her. + +To be sure, since these days--which, alas, and woe's me! are not +yesterday now, as my grey hair and wrinkled brow but too visibly remind +me--such ups and downs have taken place in the commercial world, that the +barber line has been clipped of its profits and shaved close, from a +patriotic competition among its members, like all the rest. Among other +things, hair-powder, which was used from the sweep on the lum-head to the +king on the throne, is only now in fashion with the Lords of Session and +valy-deshambles; and pig-tails have been cut off from the face of the +earth, root and branch. Nevertheless, as I have taken occasion to make +observation, the foundations of the cutting and shaving line are as sure +as that of the everlasting rocks; beards being likely to roughen, and +heads to require polling, as long as wood grows and water runs. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII.--"PUGGIE, PUGGIE,"--A STORY WITHOUT A TAIL. + + + Saw ye Johnie coming? quo' she, + Saw ye Johnie coming? + Wi' his blue bonnet on his head, + And his doggie running. + + _Old Ballad_. + +The welfare of the human race and the improvement of society being my +chief aim, in this record of my sayings and doings through the pilgrimage +of life, I make bold at the instigation of Nanse, my worthy wife, to +record in black and white a remarkably curious thing, to which I was an +eyewitness in the course of nature. I have little reluctance to consent, +not only because the affair was not a little striking in itself--as the +reader will soon see--but because, like AEsop's Fables, it bears a good +moral at the end of it. + +Many a time have I thought of the business alluded to, which happened to +take place in our fore-shop one bonny summer afternoon, when I was +selling a coallier wife, from the Marquis of Lothian's upper hill, a yard +of serge at our counter-side. At the time she came in, although busied +in reading an account of one of Buonaparte's battles in the Courant +newspaper, I observed at her foot a bonny wee doggie, with a bushy black +tail, of the dancing breed--that could sit on its hind-legs like a +squirrel, cast biscuit from its nose, and play a thousand other most +diverting tricks. Well, as I was saying, I saw the woman had a pride in +the bit creature--it was just a curiosity like--and had belonged to a +neighbour's son that volunteered out of the Berwickshire militia, (the +Birses, as they were called,) into a regiment that was draughted away +into Egypt, Malta, or the East Indies, I believe--so, it seems, the lad's +father and mother thought much more about it, for the sake of him that +was off and away--being to their fond eyes a remembrancer, and to their +parental hearts a sort of living keepsake. + +After bargaining about the serge--and taking two or three other things, +such as a leather-cap edged with rabbit-fur for her little nevoy--a dozen +of plated buttons for her goodman's new waistcoat, which was making up at +Bonnyrig by Nicky Sharpshears, my old apprentice--and a spotted silk +napkin for her own Sunday neck wear--I tied up the soft articles with +grey paper and skinie, and was handing over the odd bawbees of change, +when, just as she was lifting the leather-cap from the counter, she said +with a terrible face, looking down to the ground as if she was +short-sighted--"Pity me! what's that?" + +I could not imagine, gleg as I generally am, what had happened; so came +round about the far end of the counter, with my spectacles on, to see +what it was, when, lo and behold! I perceived a dribbling of blood all +along the clean sanded floor, up and down, as if somebody had been +walking about with a cut finger; but, after looking around us for a +little, we soon found out the thief--and that we did. + +The bit doggie was sitting cowering and shivering, and pressing its back +against the counter, giving every now and then a mournful whine, so we +plainly saw that every thing was not right. On the which, the wife, +slipping a little back, snapped her finger and thumb before its nose, and +cried out--"Hiskie, poor fellow!" but no--it would not do. She then +tried it by its own name, and bade it rise, saying, "Puggie, Puggie!" +when--would ever mortal man of woman born believe it?--its bit black, +bushy, curly tail, was off by the rump--docked and away, as if it had +been for a wager. + +"Eh, megstie!" cried the woman, laying down the leather-cap and the tied- +up parcel, and holding out both her hands in astonishment. "Eh, my +goodness, what's come o' the brute's tail? Lovy ding! just see, it's +clean gane! Losh keep me! that's awfu'! Div ye keep rotten-fa's about +your premises, Maister Wauch? See, a bonny business as ever happened in +the days of ane's lifetime!" + +As a furnishing tailor, as a Christian, and as an inhabitant of Dalkeith, +my corruption was raised--was up like a flash of lightning, or a cat's +back. Such doings in an enlightened age and a civilized country!--in a +town where we have three kirks, a grammar school, a subscription library, +a ladies' benevolent society, a mechanics' institution, and a debating +club! My heart burned within me like dry tow; and I could mostly have +jumped up to the ceiling with vexation and anger--seeing as plain as a +pikestaff, though the simple woman did not, that it was the handiwork of +none other than our neighbour Reuben Cursecowl, the butcher. Dog on it, +it was too bad--it was a rascally transaction; so, come of it what would, +I could not find it in my heart to screen him. "I'll wager, however," +said I, in a kind of off-hand way, not wishing exactly, ye observe, to be +seen in the business, "that it will have been running away with +beef-steaks, mutton-chops, sheep feet, or something else out of the +booth; and some of his prentice laddies may have come across its hind- +quarters accidentally with the cleaver." + +"Mistake here, or mistake there," said the woman, her face growing as red +as the sleeve of a soldier's jacket, and her two eyes burning like live +coals--"'Od the butcher, but I'll butcher him, the nasty, ugly, +ill-faured vagabond; the thief-like, cruel, malicious, ill-hearted, down- +looking blackguard! He would go for to offer for to presume for to dare +to lay hands on an honest man's son's doug! It sets him weel, the +bloodthirsty Gehazi, the halinshaker ne'er-do-weel! I'll gie him sic a +redding up as he never had since the day his mother boor him!" Then +looting down to the poor bit beast, that was bleeding like a sheep--"Ay, +Puggie, man," she said in a doleful voice, "they've made ye an unco +fright; but I'll gie them up their fit for't; I'll show them, in a couple +of hurries, that they have catched a Tartar!"--and with that out went the +woman, paper parcel, leather-cap and all, randying like a tinkler from +Yetholm; the wee wretchie cowering behind her, with the mouse-wabs +sticking on the place I had put them to stop the bleeding; and looking, +by all the world, like a sight I once saw, when I was a boy, on a visit +to my father's half-cousin, Aunt Heatherwig, on the Castle-hill of +Edinburgh--to wit, a thief going down Leith Walk, on his road to be +shipped for transportation to Botany Bay, after having been pelted for a +couple of hours with rotten eggs in the pillory. + +Knowing the nature of the parties concerned, and that intimately on both +sides, I jealoused directly that there would be a stramash; so not +liking, for sundry reasons, to have my neb seen in the business, I shut +to the door, and drew the long bolt; while I hastened ben to the room, +and, softly pulling up a jink of the window, clapped the side of my head +to it; that, unobserved, I might have an opportunity of overhearing the +conversation between Reuben Cursecowl and the coallier wife; which, weel- +a-wat, was likely to become public property. + +"Hollo! you man, do ye ken onything about that?" cried the randy +woman;--but wait a moment, till I give a skiff of description of our +neighbour Reuben. + +By this time--it was ten years after James Batter's tragedy--Mr Cursecowl +was an oldish man--he is gathered to his fathers now--and was +considerably past his best, as his wife, douce, honest woman, used to +observe. His dress was a little in the Pagan style, and rendered him +kenspeckle to the eye of observation. Instead of a hat, he generally +wore a long red Kilmarnock nightcap, with a cherry on the top of it, +through foul weather and fair; and having a kind of trot in his walk, +from a bink forward in his knees, it dang-dangled behind him, like the +cap of Mr Merryman with the painted face, the show-folks' fool. On the +afternoon alluded to, he was in full killing-dress, having on an auld +blue short coatie, once long, but now docked in the tails, so that the +pocket-flaps and the hainch-buttons were not above three inches from the +place where his wife had snibbed it across by; and, from long use in his +bloodthirsty occupation, his sleeves flashed in the daylight as if they +had been double japanned. Tied round his beer-barrel-like waist was a +stripped apron, blue and white; and at his left side hung a bloody gaping +leather pouch, as if he had been an Israelite returned from the slaughter +of the Philistines, filled with steels and knives, straight and crooked, +that had done ample execution in their day, I'll warrant them. Up his +thighs were rolled his coarse rig-and-fur stockings, as if it were to +gird him for the battle, and his feet were slipped into a pair of +bauchles--that is, the under part of old boots cut from the legs. As to +his face, lo and behold! the moon shining in the Nor-west--yea, the sun +blazing in all his glory--had not a more crimson aspect than Reuben. Like +the pig-eyed Chinese folk on tea-cups, his peepers were diminutive and +twinkling; but his nose made up for them--and that it did--being portly +in all its dimensions broad and long, and as to colour, liker a radish +than any other production in nature. In short, he was as bonny a figure +as ever man of woman born clapped eye on; and was cleaving away, most +devoutly, at a side of black-faced mutton, when the woman, as I said +before, cried out, "Hollo! you man, do ye ken onything about that?" +pointing to the dumb animal that crawled and crouched behind her. + +"Aweel, what o't?" cried Cursecowl, still hacking and cleaving away at +the meat. + +"What o't? i' faith, billy, that's a gude ane," answered the wife. "But +ye'll no get aff that way; catch me, my man. My name's no Jenny +Mathieson an I haena ye afore your betters. I'll learn ye what +soommenses are." + +Looking at her with a look of lightning for a couple of seconds--"Aff wi' +ye, gin you're wise," quo' Cursecowl, still cleaving away--"or I'll maybe +bring ye in for the sheep's-head it was trying to make off with in its +teeth. Do ye understand that?" And he gave a girn, that stretched his +mouth from ear to ear. + +This was too much for the subterranean daughter of Eve; it was like +putting a red-hot poker among the coals of her own pit. "Oh, ye +incarnate cannibal!" she bawled out, doubling her nieve, and shaking it +in Reuben's face; "If ye have a conscience at a', think black-burning +shame o' yoursell! Just look, ye bluidy salvage; just take a look there, +my bonny man, o' your handiwark now. Isn't that very pretty?"--"Aff wi' +ye," continued Cursecowl, still cleaving away with the chopping-axe, and +muttering a volley of curses through the knife, which he held between his +teeth--"Aff wi' ye; and keep a calm sough." + +"The dog's no mine, or I wadna have cared sae muckle. Siccan a like +beast! Siccan a fright to be seen!!! I'faith I think shame to tak' it +hame again!! Ay, man, ye're a pretty fellow! Ye've run fast when the +noses were dealing; ye're a bonny man to hack off a poor dumb animal's +tail. If it had been a Christian like yoursell, it wad have mattered +less--but a puir bit dumb, harmless animal!" + +"Aff wi' ye there, and nane o' your chatter," thundered Reuben, stopping +in his cleaving, and turning the side of his red face round to the woman. +"Flee--vanish--and be cursed to ye--baith you and your doug thegither, ye +infernal limmer! It's weel for't, luckie, it was not its head instead of +its tail. Ye had better steik your gab--cut your stick--and pack off, +gin ye be wise." + +"Think shame--think shame--think black-burning shame o' yoursell, ye born +and bred ruffian!" roared out the wife at the top story of her +voice--shaking her doubled nieve before him--stamping her heels on the +causey--then, drawing herself up, and holding her hands on her +hainches--"Just look, I tell ye, you unhanged blackguard, at your +precious handywark! Just look, what think ye of that, now? Tak' another +look now, ower that fief-like fiery nose o' yours, ye regardless Pagan!" + +Flesh and blood could stand this no longer; and I saw Cursecowl's anger +boiling up within him, as in a red-hot fiery furnace. + +"Wait a wee, my woman," muttered Cursecowl to himself, as, swearing +between his teeth, he hurried into the killing-booth. + +Furious as the woman, however, was, she had yet enough of common sense +remaining within her to dread skaith; so, apprehending the bursting +storm, she had just taken to her heels, when out he came, rampauging +after her like a Greenland bear, with a large liver in each hand;--the +one of which, after describing a circle round his head, flashed after her +like lightning, and hearted her between the shoulders like a clap of +thunder; while the other, as he was repeating the volley, slipping +sideways from his fingers while he was driving it with all his force, +played drive directly through the window where I was standing, and gave +me such a yerk on the side of the head, that it could be compared to +nothing else but the lines written on the stucco image of Shakspeare, the +great playactor, on our parlour chimneypiece, + + "The great globe itself, + Yea, all that it inherits, shall dissolve;" + +and I lay speechless on the floor for goodness knows the length of time. +Even when I came to my recollection, it was partly to a sense of torment; +for Nanse, coming into the room, and not knowing the cause of my +disastrous overthrow, attributed it all to a fit of the apoplexy; and, in +her frenzy of affliction, had blistered all my nose with her Sunday scent- +bottle of aromatic vinegar. + +For some weeks after there was a bumming in my ears, as if all the bee- +skeps on the banks of the Esk had been pent up within my head; and though +Reuben Cursecowl paid, like a gentleman, for the four panes he had +broken, he drove into me, I can assure him, in a most forcible and +striking manner, the truth of the old proverb--which is the moral of this +chapter--that "listeners seldom hear any thing to their own advantage." + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII.--SERIOUS MUSINGS. + + + My eyes are dim with childish tears, + My heart is idly stirr'd, + For the same sound is in mine ears, + Which in those days I heard. + Thus fares it still in our decay; + And yet the wiser mind + Mourns less for what age takes away, + Than what it leaves behind. + + WORDSWORTH. + +After consultation with friends, and much serious consideration on such a +momentous subject, it having been finally settled on between the wife and +myself to educate Benjie to the barber and haircutting line, we looked +round about us in the world for a suitable master to whom we might +entrust our dear laddie, he having now finished his education, and +reached his fourteenth year. + +It was visible in a twinkling to us both, that his apprenticeship could +not be gone through with at home in that first-rate style which would +enable him to reach the top of the tree in his profession; yet it gave us +a sore heart to think of sending away, at so tender an age, one who was +so dear to his mother and me, and whom we had, as it were, in a manner +made a pet of; so we reckoned it best to article him for a twelvemonth +with Ebenezer Packwood at the corner, before finally sending him off to +Edinburgh, to get his finishing in the wig, false-curl, and hair-baking +department, under Urquhart, Maclachlan, or Connal. Accordingly, I sent +for Eben to come and eat an egg with me--matters were entered upon and +arranged--Benjie was sent on trial; and though at first he funked and +fought refractory, he came, to the astonishment of his master and the old +apprentice, in less than no time to cut hair without many visible shear- +marks; and, within the first quarter, succeeded, without so much as +drawing blood, to unbristle, for a wager of his master's, the Saturday +night's countenance of Daniel Shoebrush himself, who was as rough as a +badger. + +Having thus done for Benjie, it now behoved me to have an eye towards +myself; for, having turned the corner of manhood, I found that I was +beginning to be wearing away down the hillside of life. Customers, who +had as much faith in me as almost in their Bible with regard to every +thing connected with my own department, and who could depend on their +cloth being cut according to the newest and most approved fashions, began +now and then to return a coat upon my hand for alteration, as being quite +out of date; while my daily work, to which in the days of other years I +had got up blithe as the lark, instead of being a pleasure, came to be +looked forward to with trouble and anxiety, weighing on my heart as a +care, and on my shoulders as a burden. + +Finding but too severely that such was the case, and that there is no +contending with the course of nature, I took sweet counsel together with +James Batter over a cup of tea and a cookie, concerning what it was best +for a man placed in my circumstances to betake myself to. + +As industry ever has its own reward, let me without brag or boasting be +allowed to state, that, in my own case, it did not disappoint my +exertions. I had sat down a tenant, and I was now not only the landlord +of my own house and shop, but of all the back tenements to the head of +the garden, as also of the row of one-story houses behind, facing to the +loan, in the centre of which Lucky Thamson keeps up the sign of the +Tankard and Tappit Hen. It was also a relief to my mind, as the head of +my family, that we had cut Benjie loose from his mother's apron-string, +poor fellow, and set him adrift in an honest way of doing to buffet the +stormy ocean of life; so, every thing considered, it was found that +enough and to spare had been laid past by Nanse and me to spend the +evening of our days by the lound dykeside of domestic comfort. + +In Tammie Bodkin, to whom I trust I had been a dutiful, as I know I was +an honoured master, I found a faithful journeyman, he having served me in +that capacity for nine years; so, it is not miraculous, being constantly, +during that period, under my attentive eye, that he was now quite a +deacon in all the departments of the business. As an eident scholar he +had his reward; for customers, especially during the latter years, when +my sight was scarcely so good, came at length to be not very scrupulous +as to whether their cloth was cut by the man or his master. Never let +filial piety be overlooked:--when I first patronized Tammie, and promoted +him to the dignity of sitting crosslegged along with me on the working- +board, he was a hatless and shoeless ragamuffin, the orphan lad of a +widowed mother, whose husband had been killed by a chain-shot, which +carried off his head, at the bloody battle of the Nile, under Lord +Nelson. Tammie was the oldest of four, and the other three were lasses, +that knew not in the morning where the day's providing was to come from, +except by trust in Him who sent the ravens to Elijah. By allowing Tammie +a trifle for board-wages, I was enabled to add my mite to the comforts of +the family; for he was kind, frugal, and dutiful, and would willingly +share with them to the last morsel. In the course of a few years he +became his mother's bread-winner, the lasses being sent to service--I +myself having recommended one of them to Deacon Burlings, and another to +Springheel the dancing-master; retaining Katie, the youngest, for +ourselves, to manage the kitchen, and go messages when required. + +Providence having thus blessed Tammie's efforts in the paths of +industrious sobriety, what could I do better--James Batter being exactly +of the same opinion--than make him my successor; giving him the shop at a +cheap rent, the stock in trade at a moderate valuation, and the good-will +of the business as a gratis gift. + +Having recommended Tammie to public patronage and support, he is now, as +all the world knows, a thriving man; nor, from Berwick Bridge to Johnny +Groat's, is it in the power of any gentleman to have his coat cut in a +more fashionable way, or on more moderate terms, than at the sign of the +Goose and the Pair of Shears rampant. + +Leaving Tammie to take care of his own matters, as he is well able to do, +allow me to observe, that it is curious how habit becomes a second +nature, and how the breaking in upon the ways we have been long and long +accustomed to, through the days of the years that are past, is as the +cutting asunder of the joints and marrow. This I found bitterly, even +though I had the prospect before me of spending my old age in peace and +plenty. I could not think of leaving my auld house--every room, every +nook in it was familiar to my heart. The garden trees seemed to wave +their branches sorrowfully over my head, as bidding me a farewell; and +when I saw all the scraighing hens catched out of the hen-house I had +twenty years before built and tiled with my own hands, and tumbled into a +sack, to be carried on limping Jock Dalgleish's back up to our new abode +at Lugton, my heart swelled to my mouth, and the mist of gushing tears +bedimmed my eyesight. Four of Thomas Burlings' flour carts stood laden +before the door with our furniture, on the top of which were three of +Nanse's grand geraniums in flower-pots, with five of my walking-sticks +tied together with a string; and as I paced through the empty rooms, +where I had passed so many pleasant and happy hours, the sound of my feet +on the bare floor seemed in my ears like an echo from the grave. On our +road to Lugton I could scarcely muster common sense to answer a person +who wished us a good-day; and Nanse, as we daundered on arm-in-arm, never +once took her napkin from her een. Oh, but it was a weary business! + +Being in this sober frame of mind, allow me to wind up this chapter--the +last catastrophe of my eventful life that I mean at present to make +public--with a few serious reflections; as it fears me, that, in much of +what I have set down, ill-natured people may see a good deal scarcely +consistent with my character for douceness and circumspection; but if +many wonderfuls have befallen to my share, it would be well to remember +that a man's lot is not of his own making. + +Musing within myself on the chances and changes of time, the +uncertainties of life, the frail thread by which we are tacked to this +world, and how the place that now knows us shall soon know us no more, I +could not help, for two or three days previous to my quitting my dear old +house and shop, taking my stick into my hand, and wandering about all my +old haunts and houffs--and need I mention that among these were the road +down to the Duke's south gate with the deers on it, the waterside by +Woodburn, the Cow-brigg, up the back street, through the flesh-market, +and over to the auld kirk in among the headstones? For three walks, on +three different days, I set out in different directions; yet, strange to +say! I aye landed in the kirkyard:--and where is the man of woman born +proud enough to brag, that it shall not be his fate to land there at +last? + +Headstones and headstones around me! some newly put up, and others mossy +and grey; it was a humbling yet an edifying sight, preaching, as forcibly +as ever Maister Wiggie did in his best days, of the vanity and the +passingness of all human enjoyments. Mouldered to dust beneath the turfs +lay the blithe laddies with whom I have a hundred times played merry +games on moonlight nights; some were soon cut off; others grew up to +their full estate; and there stood I, a greyhaired man, among the weeds +and nettles, mourning over times never to return! + +The reader will no doubt be anxious to hear a few words regarding my son +Benjie, who has turned out just as his friends and the world expected. +After his time with Ebenezer Packwood in Dalkeith, he served for four +years in Edinburgh, where he cut a distinguished figure, having shaved +and shorn lots of the nobility and gentry; among whom was a French +Duchess, and many other foreigners of distinction. In short, nothing +went down at the principal hotels but the expertness of Mr Benjamin +Wauch; and, had he been so disposed, he could have commenced on his own +footing with every chance of success; but knowing himself fully young, +and being anxious to see more of the world before settling, he took out a +passage in one of the Leith smacks, and set sail for London, where he +arrived, after a safe and prosperous voyage, without a hair of his head +injured. The only thing that I am ashamed to let out about him is, that +he is now, and has been for some time past, principal shopman in a +Wallflower Hair-powder and Genuine Macassar Oil Warehouse, kept by three +Frenchmen, called Moosies Peroukey. + +But, though our natural enemies, he writes me that he has found them +agreeable and chatty masters, full of good manners and pleasant +discourse, first-rate in their articles, and, except in their language, +almost Christians. + +I aye thought Benjie was a genius; and he is beginning to show himself +his father's son, being in thoughts of taking out a patent for making +hair-oil from rancid butter. If he succeeds it will make the callant's +fortune. But he must not marry Madamoselle Peroukey without my especial +consent, as Nanse says, that her having a Frenchwoman for her daughter-in- +law would be the death of her. + + + + +CONCLUSION. + + + He prayeth well, who loveth well + Both man, and bird, and beast-- + He prayeth best, who loveth best + All things both great and small; + For the dear God who loveth us, + He made and loveth all. + + COLERIDGE. + +On first commencing this memoir of my life, I put pen to paper with the +laudable view of handing down to posterity--to our children, and to their +children's children--the accidents, adventures, and mischances that may +fall to the lot of a man placed by Providence even in the loundest +situation of life, where he seemed to lie sheltered in the bield of piece +and privacy;--and, at that time, it was my intention to have carried down +my various transactions to this dividual day and date. My materials, +however, have swelled on my hand like summer corn under sunny showers; +one thing has brought another to remembrance; sowds of bypast marvels +have come before my mind's eye in the silent watches of the night, +concerning the days when I sat working crosslegged on the board; and if I +do not stop at this critical juncture--to wit, my retiring from trade, +and the settlement of my dear and only son Benjie in an honourable way of +doing; as who dares to deny that the barber and haircutting line is a +safe and honourable employment?--I do not know when I might get to the +end of my tether; and the interest which every reasonable man must take +in the extraordinary adventures of my early years, might be grievously +marred and broken in upon through the garrulity of old age. + +Perhaps I am going a little too far when I say, that the whole world +cannot fail to be interested in the occurrences of my life; for since its +creation, which was not yesterday, I do not believe--and James Batter is +exactly of the same mind--that there ever was a subject concerning which +the bulk of mankind have not had two opinions. Knowing this to be the +case, I would be a great gomeril to expect that I should be the only +white swan that ever appeared; and that all parties in church and state, +who are for cutting each other's throats on every other great question, +should be unanimous only in what regards me. Englishmen, for instance, +will say that I am a bad speller, and that my language is kittle; and +such of the Irishers as can read, will be threaping that I have abused +their precious country; but, my certie, instead of blaming me for letting +out what I could not deny, they must just learn to behave themselves +better when they come to see us, or bide at home. + +Being by nature a Scotsman--being, I say, of the blood of Robert Bruce +and Sir William Wallace--and having in my day and generation buckled on +my sword to keep the battle from our gates in the hour of danger, ill +would it become me to speak but the plain truth, the whole truth, and any +thing but the truth. No; although bred to a peaceable occupation, I am +the subject of a free king and constitution, and, if I have written as I +speak, I have just spoken as I thought. The man of learning, that kens +no language saving Greek, and Gaelic, and Hebrew, will doubtless laugh at +the curiosity of my dialect; but I would just recommend him, as he is a +philosopher, to consider for a wee, that there are other things, in +mortal life and in human nature, worth a moment's consideration besides +old Pagan heathens--pot-hooks and hangers--the asses' bridge and the +weary walls of Troy; which last city, for all that has been said and sung +about it, would be found, I would stake my life upon it, could it be seen +at this moment, not worth half a thought when compared with the New Town +of Edinburgh. Of all towns in the world, however, Dalkeith for my money. +If the ignorant are dumfoundered at one of their own kidney--a tailor +laddie, that got the feck of his small education leathered into him at +Dominie Threshem's school--thinking himself an author, I would just +remind them that seeing is believing; and that they should keep up a good +heart, as it is impossible to say what may yet be their own fortune +before they die. The rich man's apology I would beg; if, in this humble +narrative, in this detail of manners almost hidden from the sphere of his +observation, I have in any instance tramped on the tender toes of good +breeding, or given just offence in breadth of expression, or vulgarity of +language. Let this, however, be my apology, that the only value of my +wonderful history consists in its being as true as death--a circumstance +which it could have slender pretensions to, had I coined stories, or +coloured them so as to please my own fancy and that of the world. In +that case it would have been very easy for me to have made a Sinbad the +Sailor's tale out of it--to have shown myself up a man such as the world +has never seen except on paper--to have made Cursecowl behave like a +gentleman, and the Frenchman from Penicuik crack like a Christian. And +to the poor man, him whom the wise Disposer of all events has seen fit to +place in a situation similar to that in which I have been placed, +ordaining him to earn daily bread by the labour of his hands and the +sweat of his brow, if my adventures shall afford an hour or two's +pleasant amusement, when, after working hours, he sits by his bleezing +ingle with a bairn on each knee, while his oldest daughter is sewing her +seam, and his goodwife with her right foot birls round the +spinning-wheel, then my purpose is gained, and more than gained; for it +is my firm belief that no man, who has by head or hand in any way +lightened an ounce weight of the load of human misery, can be truly said +to have been unprofitable in his day, or disappointed the purpose of his +creation. For what more can we do here below? The God who formed us, +breathing into our nostrils the breath of life, is, in his Almighty power +and wisdom, far removed beyond the sphere of our poor and paltry offices. +We are of the clay; and return to the elements from which we are formed. +He is a Spirit, without beginning of days or end of years. The extent of +our limited exertions reaches no further than our belief in, and our duty +towards Him; which, in my humble opinion, can be best shown by us in our +love and charity towards our fellow-creatures--the master-work of his +hands. + +I would not willingly close this record of my life, without expressing a +few words of heartfelt gratitude towards the multitude from whom, in the +intercourse of the world, I have experienced good offices; and towards +the few who, in the hour of my trials and adversities, remained with +faces towards me steadfast and unalterable, scorning the fickle who +scoffed, and the Levite who passed by on the other side. Of old hath it +been said, that a true friend is the medicine of life; and in the day of +darkness, when my heart was breaking, and the world with all its concerns +seemed shaded in a gloom never to pass away, how deeply have I +acknowledged the truth of the maxim! How shall I repay such kindness? +Alas! it is out of my power. But all I can do, I do. I think of it on +my pillow at the silent hour of midnight; my heart burns with the +gratitude it hath not--may never have an opportunity of showing to the +world; and I put up my prayer in faith to Him who seeth in secret, that +he may bless and reward them openly. + +Sorrows and pleasures are inseparably mixed up in the cup set for man's +drinking; and the sunniest day hath its cloud. But I have made this +observation, that if true happiness, or any thing like true happiness, is +to be found in this world, it is only to be purchased by the practice of +virtue. Things will fall out--so it hath been ordained in this scene of +trial--even to the best and purest of heart, which must carry sorrow to +the bosom, and bring tears to the eyelids; and then to the wayward and +the wicked, bitter is their misery as the waters of Marah. But never can +the good man be wholly unhappy; he has that within which passeth show; +the anchor of his faith is fixed on the Rock of Ages; and when the dark +cloud hath glided over--and it will glide--it leaves behind it the blue +and unclouded heaven. + +If, concerning religious matters, a tone of levity at any time seems to +infect these pages, I cry ye mercy; for nothing was further from my +intention; yet, though acknowledging this, I maintain that it is a vain +thing to look on religion as on a winter night, full of terror, and +darkness, and storms. No one, it strikes me, errs more widely than he +who supposes that man was made to mourn--that the sanctity of the heart +is shown by the length of the face--and that mirth, the pleasant mirth of +innocent hearts, is sinful in the sight of Heaven. I will never believe +that. The very sun may appear dim to such folks as choose only to look +at him through green spectacles; as by the poor wretch who is dwining in +the jaundice, the driven snow could be sworn to as a bright yellow. Such +opinions, however, lie between man and his Maker, and are not for the +like of us to judge of. For myself, I have enjoyed a pleasant run of +good health through life, reading my Bible more in hope than fear; our +salvation, and not our destruction, being I should suppose its purpose. +So, when I behold bright suns and blue skies, the trees in blossom, and +birds on the wing, the waters singing to the woods, and earth looking +like the abode of them who were at first formed but a little lower than +the angels, I trust that the overflowing of a grateful heart will not be +reckoned against me for unrighteousness. + +THE END. + +EDINBURGH: PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE AND HUGHES +PAUL'S WORK, CANONGATE. + +Footnotes: + +{120} See Dr Jamieson.--P. 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